 
Asp

By

Stephanie Daich on Smashwords

Text Copyright ©2012

Stephanie Daich

All Rights Reserved

Smashwords Edition

Cover Design:

Amber McNemar

www.ethinkgraphics.com

Dedication:

Natalie and Emily, thanks for helping me.

Christie Rich, thanks for your guidance and friendship.

Nathan, thanks for everything!

My biggest thanks goes to you, the reader!

Enjoy!

Table of Contents

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### CHAPTER 1

I tried to move my toes and fingers, but they wouldn't respond, completely frozen and numb. It was so cold the rest of my body contracted and convulsed, a chill seeped to my bones, penetrating every crevice inside. The cold was excruciating as it tightened my muscles, locking them in place. Why, why, why? Why was this happening? I closed my eyes, wanting it to all end. I didn't fear death at the moment, more like craved it. My reality hurt and I wanted to escape it. Vomit burned its way up my throat and out my nose and mouth. My head felt tingly and dark as I slipped back and forth between excruciating pain and nothingness. Let the nothingness take me.

Although I wanted to give in, I didn't like the feeling of nothingness. Something deep within gave me the courage to hold on. I was afraid if I fully succumbed to the void, I would remain there forever, never to return. I lifted my head and strained to look at my body, which I probably shouldn't have, for what I saw I could scarcely believe. Fright filled me.

Since my leg was shattered, a piece of femur tore through my trousers, and I could actually see it. The sight made me sicker than I already felt. Blood saturated the slashed fabric where the broken protrusion emerged, while crimson blood pooled on the pavement beneath me. The immense loss of blood must have caused my temperature to drop, because I was so cold. I never want to feel a cold like that again. While I fought to stay conscious, thick smoke billowed around my head, making breathing out of my bruised lungs increasingly difficult.

A powerful cough ripped through me, one seeming to tear open my lungs and sear my throat. As I recovered from the coughing episode, I thought about the accident. How swiftly everything had transpired. As I exhaustively kept myself from passing out, I wondered what we could have done different? How could we have avoided such a devastating situation?

Extending my head to the right, I peered down into the ditch. At the bottom, a pile of mangled bicycle and a severely disfigured body merged together. The body belonged to my lifelong best friend, Deidre Larson. That image made my stomach twist in knots. Devastation and helplessness exploded in me. How could everything have happened? I needed to help Deidre, for she was not moving. I attempted to drag my body towards the ditch, but to my every movement, an immobilizing throb in my femur and hip seized my efforts.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh," I screamed, while my lungs absorbed more of the burning rubber.

The smoke forced my whole body into another coughing fit. Each expulsion tortured me. I wanted to stop coughing for my delicate lungs could not handle any more smoke, and my contorted body burst into pain each time I coughed. I was pretty sure with my broken femur, I would not make it down the ditch. Realizing I was too pulverized to save Deidre, my eyes released enormous tears. I felt so feeble. The nothingness called to me. The cold paralyzed me.

"What am I going to do?" I bawled. My intense suffering racked not only my body, but my soul as well. I laid there cradling my chest, and as I did, I was taken by surprise, for I heard the door to the yellow truck open. It was the same truck that had creamed into us. Up to that point, no one had emerged from it. Because of my agony, I hadn't even thought about the driver. Had the driver been injured? As I watched it, I saw filthy work boots hit the ground. Because he was on the other side of the cab, I could not fully see him. Only being able to see the boots, I became desperate to know who they belonged to, who had put me in this pain?. I exerted my strength to look over the vehicle and see what devious creature drove it, as I did, the shooting pain shot from my femur and into the surrounding areas of my body.

The boots stood there for a while. What was the hesitation? Finally, they moved their way to the front of the truck. A colossal of a man appeared into my visual line. The mindless goon was probably about six foot three inches and over three hundred pounds. Indeed he was enormous. His beard was notably scraggly and filthy; looking as if it could be the home to several vermin. Standing there, he behaved confused as he dumbly assessed the damage he had caused. His left eye twitched and his hands shook. The smell of tobacco and alcohol momentarily drifted over and assaulted me. The idea he was drunk induced my hatred for him even more. How dare he drink and drive. His selfishness pissed me off. If my lungs weren't profusely burning, I would have slaughtered him with profanity. But I couldn't, so I spitefully observed him. Pausing, the goliath peeked over the roof of the truck and headed my way.

"I'm, I'm, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there," the man stuttered.

"Not me..." I said, still laboring to breathe, as I found it almost impossible to speak. I pointed toward the ditch. Oh how I hated sending the greasy drunk toward Deidre, but what choice did I have? I would have called 911 if I had brought a phone, but there had been nowhere to carry one in my bicycle shorts, so I had left it at home. Her fate to being rescued was left in the hands of the same man who had hit her. Someone had to save Deidre.

The boozer turned on his heels and peered into the ditch. Curiously, he bent forward, probably to get a better assessment of the pile of bicycle rubble and the marred body. The sudden shift in his weight threw off his equilibrium. He needed to compensate for his lack of balance, but his legs failed him and he tumbled down the ditch. Little rocks shot off of his feet and pelted Deidre's body. Because of his accelerated slide, the inebriate was unable to stop. In horror, I watched as the large numbskull's massive figure landed directly on top of Deidre. A sickening bang against metal and the thud of bodies colliding rang up to me. I cringed to the monstrosity and sound of three hundred pounds further assaulting Deidre.

"Get off her!" I choked out of my lungs. He didn't move as his density further crushed her. I desperately struggled again to crawl to my friend, while small rocks embedded into my open wounds, but it didn't matter, because I had to get the assailant off Deidre. Trying to move tortured me; and I found myself stuck, unable to do anything because of my broken bones. Anger filled me as I grasped how powerless I really was. Hatefully, I grabbed a rock and chucked it at the drunk's head. Because he had already passed out, there was no response when it hit him, bouncing off like it was rubber. Upset, I bawled again at my inability to rescue my friend. My fury raged while I watched the boozehound further mash Deidre.

Feeling entirely helpless only fueled my fire. Rage and scorn overwhelmed me. I had never felt such an intense hatred before in all my life. While I lay dying on the pavement, my mind replayed how earlier the truck had turned into me, clipping my back tire. The force slammed me flat onto the road, trapping my leg under the bike while it dragged me against the asphalt. Even though I hurt, in time I would recover. Deidre had not been so fortunate. The front grill of the truck had rammed into her body and destroyed her bike. Exerting to get away, Deidre peddled in a frenzy, but unfortunately there was nothing she could do to save herself. The truck continued to grind her and the bike until it had pushed them down the ditch. Deidre was dead before her body had finished tumbling.

As I lay there, I peered into the ditch at the two bodies. Both were terribly still. At the time, I wasn't sure if Deidre had survived the truck's impact. Her listless body appeared seriously distorted, then with the blimp of man on Deidre, I was sure she had died. Thrusting my fist into my mouth, I bit down. The stinging in my hand temporarily diverted the storm in my gut, and as I bit, I was sure my best friend was dead, or close to it, and there was nothing I could do. Viciously, I launched more rocks on the drunk's head. Even though he couldn't feel it, it gave me a small amount of satisfaction. I realized it could be a long time before someone stopped and rescued us because with the hefty pickup truck parallel to me, I was shielded from the passing car's view. It could be all day before I was spotted. Laying there in the rain, the drops splashed on my body, creating a mixture of muddy liquid bouncing off the dirt and onto me, and those icy pellets of water took away my last ounce of heat. My body violently shook as I experienced hypothermia.

My stomach muscles contracted before the puke rose upward. The acidic slush burned my throat and tongue. I aimed to spit the sludge out of my mouth, but without success. Vomit soaked my chin and neck, becoming trapped in all my folds. My abdominal muscles tightened, adding to my misery. My head felt funny and light headed. I swirled in and out of consciousness. Finally, mercifully, darkness took over. I passed out.

...

When I opened my eyes, I strained to make sense of the commotion. I had a vague notion I was in an ambulance. High pitch sirens pounded my eardrums. Attempting to sit up, I was gently pushed down by a young EMT who was in his twenties. I tried to look past him, for I was searching for her.

"Where is Deidre?" I asked. The words seared the back of my throat and became even more mumbled through my oxygen mask.

The EMT glanced away. He acted like he did not want to share the details of the accident. Because of his silence, I tried again, for maybe he hadn't understood me. "Where?" were all the words I could get out. My marred diaphragm and charred throat prevented me from any more speaking.

"Is your name Stacey Olson?" the EMT asked.

He tried to keep his back to me, even though I could still see the side of his face. I wondered if he was fairly new to his job, because tears streamed over his cheeks and it appeared there was no callousness to his emotions yet, not the apathy so many EMTs often develop. The image of Deidre's mutilated body flashed across my mind. Her body had been so intertwined with metal. The emergency team probably had a challenge as they struggled to separate her. I was glad I had passed out and had missed it, for the image of them separating her from the metal would have bothered me for years.

The ambulance sped down the road with the sirens screaming in my ears. I really had no idea how long I had been at the accident scene before the ambulance had picked us up. I wanted to know they had saved Deidre. If someone could just tell me Deidre was alive, then nothing else mattered.

I still needed an answer from him. There was the slight possibility Deidre had been rescued. I tried to demanded an answer, but the medication they had me on lifted my question away from me and floated it off to the side.

I twisted on my stretcher seeking a more comfortable position. Misery racked my soul, and despite the potent drugs I was told I was on, I could still feel the pain all over my body. I coughed a few times then closed my eyes. It was going to be a drawn-out recovery.

...

I couldn't get over the idea I had missed Deidre's funeral. They imprisoned me, refusing to give me clearance to leave the hospital. With a broken femur and compression on my spine, my body was stuck in traction. Traction was a very complicated machine that stretched my limbs in uncomfortable positions. The system involved lots of weights and manipulation. I was overcome with the sorrow of losing my best friend, and to add to it, I couldn't even properly mourn for her. My other friends were good enough to meet me at the hospital's chapel two months later where we held a vigil for Deidre. It helped ease the pain a little, but I felt ripped off in so many ways. I wanted the physical and emotional pain to stop.

I had to endure a lot of physical therapy because of my broken bones. I hardly felt the desire to do the things asked of me. Deidre and I had been so close, having her taken out of my life made me lack the desire to heal. Since I was an only child, Deidre was the sister I never had. I shared most of my childhood with her. The majority of my school age memories involved her. As we slept at one another's homes almost every weekend as kids, we both had been adopted into each other's families. I almost felt like we had a spiritual connection. No one understood me like Deidre had. Also, the thing I loved so much about our friendship was we rarely fought. I had many other friends besides Deidre, and so often we would end up in trivial fights. Never with Deidre.

When I got released from the hospital four months later, I returned to the apartment Deidre and I had shared. We had moved out of our homes and into our own place as soon as we graduated from high school. As I went into the apartment without her, the pain in my soul dropped me to the ground. All of her things were still everywhere in the apartment. The walls still had her decorations, and the front room still had her couch. Her room was left exactly the same as it had been the day we went for the bike ride, the ride that had claimed her life. There wasn't a place in the apartment that didn't have some type of remembrance tied to Deidre.

I eventually called her parents to pick her things up. It killed me to see her stuff go, but I was also glad, for their very presence tormented me. After her parents left, I looked through Deidre and my photo album. I took my finger and outlined every picture of Deidre. Desolation consumed me. I would never be able to replace her. We were soul sisters and when she died, I felt like she took a big part of me to the grave with her.

Deidre had always been fascinating to me. Boys loved her. I never thought she was the prettiest girl out there, but that didn't stop them from going crazy over her. She seemed to have a personality that drew everyone in. While growing up, we looked somewhat similar, both of us burnets with brown eyes. I was thinner than her, while she was slightly taller than me. She had a very large nose, but it didn't sour her face; somehow it complimented it. I always thought she was better looking than me, because I I was an ugly duckling.

The first picture in the album was of me and Deidre at our preschool graduation. We had met at preschool and had been soul sisters since. There had only been three grades we hadn't had the same teacher in; other than that, we had always been together. In high school, we had arranged all our classes to be synonymous. We were entirely inseparable.

We attended OSU and double dated all the hot college men together. Life was shared between us. No secret was kept; no boundaries forged. We shared a tender closeness. We had a myriad of plans. How could I possibly proceed through life without Deidre? I didn't know how to function without my confidant. Most of my major decisions had been guided by my best friend. Now, I would be left to navigate life alone.

I strongly wanted to burn the album. I wondered if I hardened my heart to her memories, then maybe I could move on. As I held the album, I knew I couldn't do it. If I burned them, then I was burning the best part of my life, her. I owed it to Deidre to keep her memory strong and to never let it die.

A pounding on the door snapped me back into reality. I lightly rested the photo album on the coffee table and pushed my walker to the door. It was Kevin, Deidre's widowed boyfriend. He was tall and lengthy, a bit on the skinny side. His hair looked greasier than usual. I had wondered if he had let himself go since Deidre's death. Seeing him there brought me relief and sorrow at the same time. I flung myself into his arms and bawled. We were both mourning Deidre.

### CHAPTER 2

The years moved forward without Deidre in them. Birthdays came and went until the day of my thirty first birthday.

"Happy birthday to you, cha cha cha. Happy birthday to you, cha cha cha. Happy birthday dear mommieeeeeeeee. Happy birthday to you!" I awoke to the off-pitched song with a tight cramp in my neck. I had fallen asleep in the tattered recliner chair. My chin was slimy and wet, so I wiped the drool away on my sleeve. My mind took a few minutes to wake up.

"We baked it and frost it ourselves," Lil' Dee said with a wide grin. She was such a cute little girl with chubby cheeks. I looked over at Ben who shot me a huge smile, a smile gaped open where two teeth had once been. He was proud of their handiwork, and I could see it in his eyes. Ben's whole countenance shone when he served others. I looked from my pride and joys to the cake they had made. It looked detestable. The frosting was mixed with the crumb, oozing around the sides and dripping to the floor. I noticed the kids both had frosting up and down their arms and all over their shirts. I had to bite my tongue to keep from reprimanding them for the mess. Instead, I smiled and kissed them both on their heads.

"Mommy is so proud of you two!" I praised.

"Blow the candles, mommy, blow the candles," the kids said, clapping their hands in anticipation.

I eyed the half hazard placement of ten candles. Sucking in a huge chest of air, I blew. The flames flickered out while a small wisp of smoke filled the small front room. My kids helped to blow, in case I had missed a candle.

"How old are you, mommy?" Lil' Dee asked.

I looked at my eight year old daughter. I had always wished Lil' Dee would have dark brown hair like my own. Instead, Lil' Dee had strawberry blond hair. Her face was dotted with freckles, making her adorable.

I slyly grinned and responded, "I am twenty-two."

Kevin loudly mocked coughing while his twiggy hand covered his face. "In your dreams. Honey, your mom is thirty one, just like me." I scowled at him, for I didn't like being in my thirties.

A big lightning bolt passed overhead followed by tympanic thunder. The little trailer house shook while the windows rattled. I hated that trailer.

"That was cool," Ben yelled out. He loved anything loud and boisterous. Even Lil' Dee found the storm exciting. Dropping the cake in my lap, they ran to the tiny window, not wanting to miss the next show. They weren't disappointed; a new rumble rang out and rocked the trailer even harder. I squirmed in my seat for I didn't trust the flimsy aluminum trailer we called home. Simultaneously, Kevin and I looked into the kitchen, three pans collected rain from the leaking roof.

"I am sorry I didn't get you a gift," Kevin said.

"I am not surprised, for you rarely think of me," I responded, hurt. I always did nice things for him on his special days. Why couldn't he remember me at least one time?

"I had something in mind. I just never found the time to get to it," he said, avoiding my eyes.

It was the same thing every birthday, every Christmas. He hardly put any thought into my special days. How would he feel if I forgot him?

Disappointed, I looked around at my dilapidated home. The walls were still sporting the original brown wood panel, and the small windows allowed only a sliver of light in. The combination kept the room always dark. It had a gloomy feel attached to it. The carpet was thick green shag. Adorned by the ratted furnishing, it was all shamefully disappointing. Sadly, it was all we could afford.

"Do you want me to go and get you something?" he asked, breaking the silence.

"Do you even have to ask? Of course I want to be remembered."

Another burst of thunder sent the trailer swaying. The kids shrieked in delight. Kevin reluctantly grabbed his coat from the closet, gave me a kiss, and headed out the door. He left his lingering odor of musky old man. It stunk, and I often wished Kevin would bathe more often.

I watched the kids enjoy the light show, for they were my one source of pure joy. As I observed them, I could feel myself become sticky from the cake. I needed to put it down and wash my hands. I looked at my shirt where the frosting had collected. It only took a few steps and I was in the kitchen. I put the sloppy mess of a cake on the card table then went to the sink and washed my hands. A new banging noise erupted in the house. There was someone at the door.

"Happy birthday," Mom called out as she swung open the broken screen. "I need some help here; your dad is getting soaked."

I dropped the dish towel on the floor and ran to the door. Dad remained in his wheelchair at the bottom of the steps, mutely sitting while the rain poured down his thin, white hair. Trying to be quick, I grab my jacket and ran outside. Mom's own emaciated body was drenched to the bone.

"Where is Kevin, we need his help?" Mom asked. Her dentures chattered in her mouth.

"He ran to the store. You are early." I shivered. Since my accident twelve years earlier, I hated being cold.

"We can't miss your birthday party. Do you think you are strong enough to get Dad up the steps?" Mom looked down at the four steps leading to the door. Kevin usually pulled Dad in. Even though he had very thin arms and didn't look like he could do it, he had always been stable enough to get Dad into the trailer. Mom had lost her strength years ago. She had been wasting away to a twig, a very fragile twig. Without Kevin there, what choice did we have? I couldn't keep Mom and Dad outside to catch pneumonia.

"Sure, if we work together," I said. If I had known my parents were going to be early, I would have never sent Kevin out. I bounded behind Dad's wheelchair and kissed him on his cold, chapped cheek as I slipped my arms under his armpits.

"Mom, get in front and pull Dad up by his arms. I will push him by his back, and we will lead him up the steps."

We got into position. Mom pulled, I pushed, and Dad stiffly rose. I realized the wheelchair was pinned between Dad and me. While I battled with the wheelchair and trying to hold Dad, Mom kept yanking Dad, trying to pull him up the first step. It was not working. The chair was a huge hindrance. I struggled to help keep Dad up and move the chair at the same time. Dad's leg shook violently as he tried to support his own weight. With one hand pushing against his back, I used my other hand to clumsily work on moving the wheelchair. Dad slipped from my hold, so Mom tugged harder on his weakened arms. He screamed out in pain. With the chair not entirely out of the way, I let go of it to further assist Dad. Just then, I tripped over the chair and my body plummeted into Dad's. The force shoved him against Mom and the two of them crumbled onto the steps, causing Mom to slam her head into the cement stair. Later, she would tell me who the pain had ricocheted inside her brain. Dad's dead weight trapped Mom to the stair. I was sure Mom had broken her hip.

"Get off, get off, get off!" Mom screamed. The two kids came running to the door to see the heap everyone was in. Dad moaned. Mom's dentures had fallen out and sat in a muddy puddle.

I jumped up and tried to lift Dad off Mom, but I wasn't strong enough. "Help me," I bellowed to the kids. Ben came to my side while Lil' Dee rescued Grandma's teeth. She put them in her pocket.

All three of us pulled, but still no luck. We pulled again, getting nowhere. We then tried rocking Dad's large body back and forth until we rolled him off Mom. Slowly Mom stood. Blood ran down her face. She gasped when she saw Dad still dumped on the stairs. Despite her pounding, bleeding head, she bent down and the four of us used every ounce of strength we had to drag Dad's immense weight into the trailer. Blood trickled in Mom's eyes, but she couldn't bother with that. She had to help Dad. Once inside, we dropped Dad on the sofa. Everyone was breathing hard. We were all pretty shaken up.

"I don't think we can come over here again unless you get a ramp," Mom said as she placed the ice pack on her bruised head. Inside I silently cried, for I was more shook up than my parents appeared to be. They had both gotten hurt, but it was I who had failed them.

"I'm sorry, I am so sorry," I said, begging for their forgiveness.

"Let it go, Honey. Let's not ruin your birthday. How about I get the lamb started?"

My eyes bulged out, "You brought lamb?"

"Only the best for my birthday girl." Mom had wanted to make the birthday special for me, for she knew I had very little in life, and I had been deeply depressed for way too long. Maybe a nice birthday celebration could raise my spirits.

Mom stood up, and I jumped up with her and tried to push her back down. "Mom, you are hurt. I can cook the lamb."

"Nonsense, it's your birthday. I've got it."

Respectfully I sat back down. "Remember to put the chair in front of the oven door. It doesn't close very well," I reminded her.

Mom busied herself in the kitchen while everyone else listlessly watched the TV. Soon, Kevin returned home and joined in the boring past time. His stinky smell took over the small trailer. Why didn't he bathe more? Once the food was cooking, Mom joined our dazed group of TV zombies.

While we all numbly watched the show, the trailer filled with a repulsive odor. Everyone instantly snapped out of their trance and beheld the stench together. It was a horrid smell of burnt hair. Thick smoke poured out of the oven. Dad coughed and coughed as the smoke became trapped in his lungs. His dentures fell into his lap while tears ran down his face. I wanted the day to end, for my birthday had fallen apart.

I hated seeing Dad coughing. I flew into the kitchen, hoping to stop whatever was burning. Everyone, but Dad followed behind. Together we saw Mom had forgotten to put the chair in front of the oven door, it was slightly ajar, with smoke billowing out. I tugged it open and was appalled by what I saw.

There sizzling atop the lamb was an enormous rat. Its arched back jammed into the cooking element. Fire scourged its flesh and dark smoke spread around the oven and out the door. The rat on the lamb was revolting. I couldn't control my weak stomach. I bounded to the sink and puked. The color in Mom's face drained. She had paid good money for the lamb, now it was utterly defiled. Lil' Dee shrieked in horror. Ben and Kevin reacted differently; they thought it was pretty cool. Kevin grabbed a large BBQ fork. With it, he pierced the rat and pulled it out to explore with Ben. When they were through dissecting it, they paraded it around the puny house like it was a trophy. I dropped into my chair and bawled.

...

I stared at my untouched pizza; my appetite had left when I had seen the rat, and it hadn't come back. The smell in the trailer had been too much for anyone to endure, even Kevin and Ben. I was sure the trailer would have to be fumigated. My party resumed over at Dad and Mom's house. They ordered pizza and tried to salvage what was left of my birthday.

"For your birthday I thought you might like to see Phantom of the Opera, it's playing in Portland," Mom said, as she handed me two tickets. Kevin rolled his brown eyes, knowing he would be expected to use the second ticket.

"The gift even comes with babysitting," Mom said beaming behind her glasses.

My mood lifted, for I loved the idea of the opera and free babysitting for the kids. I rarely went on dates with my husband because we were so poor.

Kevin knelt next to me and whispered in my ear, "I hope you aren't disappointed. I couldn't afford much of a gift this year. But, I still love you." His powerful breath made me sick. He handed me a shopping bag from the dollar store with a bottle of lotion in it. Was that really the best he could do for me?

All at once Mom stood up, her eyes were wild. She looked back and forth and began rambling. Her words were incoherent and slurred together. She stumbled around and fell to the floor. She was still rambling and shaking while on the ground.

"Mom, Mom, Mom... What is going on?" I shrieked as I tried to straighten her. She continued to babble. "Someone call 911. Please, someone help Mom!"

Mom stopped shaking and lethargically slumped in her spot on the floor. Her eyes stared off into space. She had no response.

...

As we sat in the waiting room of the hospital, I cried and cried. Kevin held me close. My birthday was a flop.

"I hate birthdays," I said as I snuggled into his chest.

"Don't say that."

"No, I really do. Everyone dies on my birthday. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them."

"Your mom isn't dead, nor is she going to be," he said as kindly as he could. "It was a pretty bad stroke, but with therapy, she will recover." He was trying to comfort me, but it wasn't working.

"I hate birthdays," I said again.

As Kevin held me, I thought back to my dreadful nineteenth birthday. I really never got over Deidre dying. I couldn't believe I was at the hospital again on yet another birthday.

Even though Deidre had been dead for twelve years, I couldn't let go of my friend. I didn't know how. It bothered Kevin a great deal I hadn't moved on. He had moved on easily.

"I realize Deidre had meant the world to you, but, at some point, one most move on. You can't live in the past forever," he always told me this when I would cry over Deidre. I hated his insensitivity, just because Deidre was gone didn't mean her memories and how much she meant to me needed to leave. If I held onto my love for her, then a part of her would never die. Whenever I thought of her, I knew life would have been entirely different if Deidre had not died. It was terrible how much I missed her.

Deidre's death had cascaded many events in my life. One of them was the union of Kevin and me. Things had been hard for the both of us when Deidre died. I lost my best friend, Kevin lost his girlfriend. Naturally, we had found solace in each other's arms. Maybe too much solace. We had both believed in being married before one was intimate. But one night, the sorrow was deep and the comfort was soothing.

I can still remember Kevin's twin brother's reaction when we announced we were pregnant.

"You got to be kidding me? What about your dreams, Kevin? What about your schooling? Are you just going to throw it away on this tramp? We are supposed to go to school together. We had dreams together. How could you do this? Couldn't you just control your hormones? What about your religion? How dare you tarnish the Caldwell name?" Doug pointed his spindly finger at me. "It's that whores fault, for she seduced you. She corrupted my virtuous twin."

Doug paced back and forth scratching his head full of brown hair, just like Kevin's, but it was richer and healthier than Kevin's, probably because Doug took daily showers and cared about hygiene, something Kevin lacked. Doug expected Kevin to become a big timer in a corporation somewhere; maybe even vice president. How could he do that with a new family to focus on? Would he be able to finish school? Those were all of Doug's worries. Doug acted more like a mom than a brother.

Doug and Kevin were identical twins, and although as adults they still looked much alike, Doug took better care of himself. He had a little more weight to his frame, but not much. Doug began perspiring as he continued to slander me. "Sex outside of marriage is against our religion. What will our fellow church members think? Maybe you have no values, Stacey, but Kevin does, or did, until he met you. This whole situation reflects poorly on me, for we are twins, and whenever one of us sins, the other one still pays the price."

I couldn't look at him, for he was so harsh and unforgiving. I had never liked Doug. He always seemed to be jealous of mine and Kevin's relationship. What did he want for his brother, to never marry, so they could stay best twin friends?

"How far along are you?" Doug quizzed me. I wished Kevin would have stuck up for me, but he left me to my own. I disliked how he always backed down to his brother.

I said nothing in return. He didn't deserve an answer from me, for if he wanted one, he should have talked to me nicer. It wasn't only me who had committed this sin, Kevin was as much to blame, if not more so.

Kevin finally piped in, "We are about six weeks along." He grabbed my hand. My chest warmed. I liked how he finally took credit in the due date, after all, this was as much his baby as it was mine.

Doug continued to pace. He was scheming something in his mind. His eyes widened and he turned to Kevin saying, "We can organize a nice marriage at the club in two weeks. If we do it any later then it will just be too hard to pull it off. Yeah, in two weeks you two will get married. People are always having early deliveries these days. We will tell everyone it was a honeymoon baby. And of course, you delivered early," Doug exclaimed as he planned my future. He rubbed his oval face and clicked his teeth. For some reason, his teeth were better aligned than Kevin's.

Before we told Doug, we had discussed many options; marriage being one of them. We weren't entirely sure it was the best route for us. At the time, I had seriously been contemplating about putting the baby up for adoption. I wasn't convinced either one of us were ready for a family. I really wanted to finish my degree. Would I be able to with a new baby? I doubted it.

"Barb will be able to print those invitations up for me by tomorrow. We don't want to send them out any later than that. She owes me a favor. We will have to make sure the club is available in two weeks. Wow, there is just so much to do."

Kevin hesitantly looked at me. We had only been officially dating for four months. Were we ready for marriage? After all, we were only nineteen. Who got married at such a young age? Kevin also had a long college career ahead of him. Would he be able to do it supporting a wife and a child?

I resisted Doug's marriage plans a little, but he was very forthright and pushed hard. He didn't want his brother to look like he knocked up some girl, for it would reflect poorly on himself. I think the marriage was more about what was good for Doug, than what was good for Kevin and me. Within two weeks, we found ourselves husband and wife, with a child on the way. Even though Doug pushed hard for our union, he was frigid and unpleasant toward me every step of the way. He had no mercy for his loose sister-in law.

...

"Caldwell's," the doctor said. My mind returned to the hospital waiting room. I stood and walked over to the doctor and formally we shook hands.

"We are going to put Julian into an intensive care unit for twenty four hours. Unfortunately at this time, she is unable to have visitors. You will be able to..."

"What do you mean she can't have visitors? I need to see Mom," I demanded. Kevin grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

"I am sorry. Hospital policy."

"What if she dies? I need to be with her. She can't be alone."

The doctor acted impatient. I knew he probably had many things to get to, but he could afford to give me three minutes. For the hundreds of thousands of dollars he made off of us, he could have given us more time. "I can call someone down to talk with you if you need it. I am sorry; you can't go on the unit. I do have to be getting back to my patients." The doctor turned around and began walking away.

"Can you at least tell me if she is going to be okay?"

"We are not aware to the extent of the damage. We will know in twenty four hours." The hurried doctor walked away.

"Some birthday.

### CHAPTER 3

Things transpired quickly. Within two months, Mom passed away. It was very hard to lose her. She had meant the world to me. I couldn't imagine going through life without her by my side. Mom's death reopened the emotional wounds I had when Deidre died. For a solid month, I had vivid nightmares. In them, I would either experience Deidre's death or Mom's death. Some of the dreams, they would be there alive and I would try to warn them to be careful. But ultimately, they would end up dying in every dream. I could feel my sanity slip a bit. I was constantly on edge and sharp with my family, and I began losing weight. I longed for Mom or Deidre to hold me. I needed them back.

I tried to care for Dad, but it was incredibly difficult. With his dementia and his care needs, we eventually had to place him in a nursing home. With me slipping emotionally, I couldn't care for Dad, and that further plummeted me more into the depths of disappear. The only upside to everything was, we were able to sell our junky trailer for five thousand and move into Dad and Mom's house. We used the money to renovate the retro interior of their home, for it was outdated. The kids loved having their own bedrooms for the first time in their lives.

Our trailer had been less than a mile away from my parent's home, so when we moved in, this allowed me to keep my position as PTA president. We were even able to go to the same church. Our normal, mundane life continued on. We were still poor, but now we could live in a better place.

One day, as I was painting my daughter's space room, I ran out of black paint. It was on a Sunday and I couldn't acquire more paint until Monday. I was so distraught over the inability to finish my project. I sat on the floor and bawled. Lil' Dee came into the room and tried to comfort her me.

"What's wrong, Mommy, why are you crying?" she tenderly asked as she placed her arm over my shoulder.

I should have taken in her sweetness, but I was too self-adsorbed, and I didn't want to be bothered. "Please leave me alone," I replied.

Lil' Dee put her face close to into my face, "Mommy, don't cry. What's wrong?" Regretfully, I was too overwhelmed, and I lost it. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" I screamed.

Lil' Dee's big eyes immediately filled with tears. She left my side and ran bawling from the room.

I felt horrible. I didn't want to yell at her, but I was too stressed out. I didn't have the ability to control my anger. The guilt intensified in me. I paced around the room stuttering and uttering things under my breath. My life felt broken. I missed Mom so bad. I wished I had a close friend to be with, one who could help ease the pain of Mom's death.

I thought about Deidre. Deidre could have been that friend. She could have carried me through Mom's death. Why did she have to be killed so early in life? It was so unfair. Deidre didn't have a chance to enjoy life. She didn't have a chance to get married or to be a mom. The drunk had stolen her from this world prematurely. He had stolen her from me. Oh, how I needed her.

I picked up my paint brushes and threw them against the wall. There was fresh paint still in the bristles, and it splattered against the mural I had been painting. That angered me even more.

"Aaaggh," I yelled. I wanted my best friend back. "Why did you take her? I need her. I need her!" I went over to the paint splotches and tried to rub them off the wall. They smeared into a bigger mess of white and red.

"First my best friend, and now Mom. I can't do it. I can't be without them."

I paced again. My head throbbed as a headache developed.

I looked up at the ceiling, as if I was making a deal with someone. "Please bring my friend back. Please, why did you have to take her? She was too young to die. I need her to help me get through Mom's death. I need Deidre in my life, please make it so she never died. I would give anything to have her back."

I looked at my hands; they were covered in different colors of paint. Since I couldn't paint anymore for the day, I decided to clean up. I went over to a pile and rags and reached down to pick them up. As I grabbed one, something fearful popped out from under them. It was a brown snake and it lurched at my hand with its fangs, being centimeters away from piercing through my skin. I screamed as I jumped back. My nerves stood up as my heart pounded. What in the world was a snake doing under the cloth?

I had never been afraid of snakes, but the unexpected presence of the Asp frightened me. As I examined my un-bitten hand, I kept a close eye on the Asp. It had recoiled back into the rags.

I ran to the corner of the room where I grabbed the long handle of the ceiling paint roller, picking it up by the sponge end, I cautiously walked toward the snake. Poking the long wooden handle into the pile, I searched for the intruder. Suddenly, the Asp shot up and struck the handle. I screamed and dropped the stick. My heart was racing. Seeing those fangs and the poison shoot out, I knew I had to be more cautious. The snake crawled over the handle. I picked up the sponge end again. The snake had wrapped around the bottom end. I carried it through the bedroom door and down the hall, shaking the whole time. I was ready to drop the stick if the snake moved closer to me.

"Open the front door, open the front door!" I yelled as I walked through the family room. Lil' Dee saw me coming and screamed in hysterics. She dashed behind the couch to hide. Ben was putting a puzzle together on the floor. He looked up.

"Cool, can I hold it?" he asked.

"No," I screamed, "It is poisonous. Please, open the front door now."

Ben just looked up at me.

"NOW!" I screamed.

The gravity of the situation set in. Ben jumped up fast and opened the door. As I got closer, the snake crawled up the stick ever so closer to my hand. Desperate, I ran as fast as I could toward the open door. The snake was centimeters away from my hand. As soon as I reached the door frame, I chucked the paint stick as far as I could across the yard. The Asp went flying off. I hurried and slammed the door closed before the snake could slither back in.

"Holy cow, Mom. What kind of snake was that?"

I shook while I breathed heavily. "An Asp I think, but it tried to bite me."

"Where did you find it?"

"In Lil' Dee's room."

Lil' Dee screamed and jumped up on top of the couch. "I don't want my room anymore," she said as she held her chest tight.

I went back inside and picked her up. My precious daughter wrapped her arms around me. "Don't worry, sweetheart, it will be okay. There aren't any more snakes in the house," I said trying to soothe her.

"How did it get in here?" Ben asked.

"It probably crawled inside when one of you left the door open," I replied.

Lil' Dee clung even tighter to me. "Do you mean there are even more outside?" she asked.

"No, I don't think those types of snakes live around here. It was probably someone's escaped pet."

Lil' Dee began to cry. I pulled her into the rocking chair where I held her close and sung to her. In the middle of my singing, I said, "I am sorry I yelled at you earlier. I didn't mean to. Mommy is going through a lot right now."

Lil' Dee smiled up at me, "It's okay Mommy. I still love you." Her innocence and forgiving nature melted my heart. I hugged her even tighter. She eased my sorrows.

...

After the incident with the Asp, I worked nonstop at remodeling my parent's home, almost three months straight. Keeping busy helped numb my mind to the loss I felt deep in my gut. Also, I strived to be a better mom, even if at times I didn't feel like it.

One day, shortly after the home was finished, I was sitting at the sofa when my kids carried in the mail. Ben tossed it into my face as he ran to his bedroom. I took another swig of my lemonade then picked up the scattered letters. Bill, bill, bill, most were bills. When I picked up the last letter, my heart leapt. It was written on a yellowed envelope. The handwriting looked very familiar, in fact, it looked identical to mine. I examined the letter. It was addressed to Stacey Olson. Olson was my maiden name. Was someone playing a trick on me? I was hesitant to open it. Was there something scary in there like Anthrax? I paused a moment longer when reality set in. Who would send me a poisoned letter? I didn't have any enemies. I was being silly. I ripped open the envelope and took out the letter.

...

Dear Stacey (me)

_Hey future me, how's things going? They are awesome here. Can you believe it is me, I am here right now in Mr. Rittle's 10_ th _grade English class talking to my future self. So self how are you doing? I am doing really good. Joe is my boyfriend. I love him I love him I love him! We are going to get married as soon as I turn eighteen. Deidre is still my best friend. She is going to marry Mike. He is Joe's best friend. We are going to buy a house in Newport and all live together forever!_

...

Ok in order to get full credit for this assignment I have to follow Mr. Rittle's rubric:

1. When I grow up I want to be a marine biologist.

2. I will never let drugs get in the way of my dreams

3. I live in Corvallis Oregon right now. When I grow up, I will live in Newport.

4. When I grow up, I am going to be a marine biologist and makes lots and lots of money.

5. Science is my favorite subject.

6. Social studies SUCKS!

Mr. Rittle says you will get this letter in 15 years. So when you read this, you will be either 31 or 32. I can't wait to see how you turn out.

Love,

Me, myself, and you.

_P.S Hi! Stacey this is Deidre, love you. See you in fifteen years._

...

I stared at the letter. The memory of its existence came flooding back to me. I could remember sitting in Mr. Rittle's tenth grade English class when he gave us the assignment to write our future self. He had promised in fifteen years he would send it to our current home address. He hoped most of our parents would still be there to pass the letter onto us. The kids in the class loved the assignment. I could remember how much commotion and excitement went on while we wrote to our future selves.

I read the letter again. When I got to the last line, a chill ran up my spine. There was Deidre's handwriting. I could remember Deidre reading my letter then signing it. I felt like Deidre's ghost was visiting me and saying hi.

I read the letter again. I thought about the dreams I had fifteen years ago. I was so bright and full of optimism. The world was laid out in front of me and I naively believed I could be anything I wanted to be. How wrong I had been. Not one of my wishes had turned out. I wasn't a marine biologist. I didn't marry Joe, thank goodness. He was the boyfriend I had for two weeks. I wasn't living in Newport. The worst part, Deidre was dead. The letter made me feel like a failure. The anger built up in me. I decided to go for a bike ride to release some of my pain.

As I peddled hard up and down the streets of Corvallis, a flood of emotions overtook me. I began to in-vision my life as if the letter had come true. I imagined myself in a successful career. I pictured being surrounded with fine things and a nice house. I would go to the ocean every day and love my life. I would be high in society and everyone would look up to me. But, best of all, Deidre would live right next door. I pushed harder on the pedals as the bitterness provided fuel from my rage. Tears streamed down my face.

"Why couldn't one thing go right for me? Why must my life be such a failure?" I screamed as I coasted downhill on my bike while the wind lashed at my face.

"I would trade everything to have the things in the letter come true. Please, why must my life be such a flop? I want the life I was meant to have," I howled as peddled on. The clouds gathered overhead and released their moisture. Big drops of rain poured down upon me. The faster I rode, the more the drops stung. After getting chilled, I changed directions and headed home.

By the time I reached home, I was drenched. I tossed my red bike on the lawn and ran to the door. I was about to throw it open, when I froze with fear. In front of me I saw a long brown snake. It was the Asp. I stepped a bit to the side. The snake lunged at my foot. I jumped back in fright while a yelp escaped my mouth. My nerves were tingling from almost being bit. No way was I going to get past the snake, so I turned my back to the snake and ran to the back of the house.

...

Summer ended way too fast. Before I knew it, the kids were back in school. The house was so quiet and lonely when the kids left each morning. I became increasingly melancholy with them gone, and I yearned to have a job to go to, something that could fill my boring days.

I wondered what my life would be like if I had become a marine biologist. Almost locking in an associate degree, I had stopped when I became pregnant with Ben. I had put my education on hold to assist Kevin in finishing his degree in accounting. I knew without a degree, I was unskilled and uneducated. I always regretted leaving school.

...

One morning, I rested out on the patio of my home. I was happy to have a patio to sit on, for I had gone without for so many years while in the trailer. I shivered at the cool air and thought about going inside, but I wanted to be out there when the kids got home. As I looked up the street, I finally saw them with Kara, the neighbor girl. All three of them skipped along the sidewalk, lost in their imaginations as they happily made their way home. It was always wonderful to watch children play. I was glad they were finally home. Excitedly, I jumped up from my chair. Going out to the middle of the sidewalk, I stretched out my arms. When my kids saw me, they ran straight into them. That was my favorite greeting.

"Can we go now?" Ben asked. He was fired up; scarcely able to concentrate at school. All he could think about was the promised festival.

"We are almost ready. Dad should be home any minute now." I turned to the neighbor girl, "Kara, will you tell your mom we will be ready to go in fifteen minutes?" I ruffled the top of Kara's head.

"Yippeeee!" Kara squealed as she ran next door. She couldn't wait to go to the fair with her new best friends Ben and Lil' Dee.

Twenty minutes later, Aleta, Kara's mom, picked us up in her suburban. Aleta was a childhood friend of mine. We weren't close, but we were friendly. She had lived in her house next to my parent's her whole life. Her husband moved in after they married, and the two of them never left. Her dad had died, and now it was just her mom there with them. Aleta had only had one child, Kara.

Aleta had bright blond hair, almost so blond it was white. Her eye brows were perfectly sculpted. Her makeup was always sensational. She was thin as could be and very athletic. I envied her, and I always felt fat and frumpy when I was around her. I wasn't fat, I was a size ten, but Aleta made me feel ugly. I know she didn't mean to.

...

At the fair, everyone wandered around smelling the wonderful aromas floating from the contemporary venues. My stomach grumbled as crispy Navajo tacos tempted me. Churros, funnel cakes, hamburgers, fries, and corn dogs beckoned to me as well. Not quite ready to commit to a food item, I kept gazing around. There were hordes of people everywhere. It was fun to watch how peculiar everyone dressed and acted. Some couples dressed to match one another. Others appeared to call as much attention as they could by wearing torn clothes and colored hair. There were the exasperated parents with their swarm of unruly kids. Always a delight to me, were the older couples who still acted utterly in love.

The kids rapidly grew tired of our slow and boring pace. They begged to go and participate at the children's stage. Kevin, bored as well, volunteered to go with them, leaving Aleta and I to venture off on our own. The arrangement satisfied everyone.

"Just look at those purses," Aleta announced as she picked through a variety of top fashion bags. Anything she picked would look perfect on her, for she had amazing taste. "Do I look important wearing this?" she asked me as she fashioned the bag dangling by her side. She loved accessories.

"Oh yes," I replied, secretly uninterested in the handbags. Fancy clothing wasn't my thing.

I strolled over to the next exhibit featuring homemade jams and breads. Now there was merchandise I could be interested in.

"Mmmm, so good," I said as I partook of a sample. The sticky jelly from the bread smeared on my fingers. After I licked them clean, I removed a sanitary wipe out of my own purse and cleaned my hands.

"This is the first year I have come to the fair without my parents." I told Aleta as I sneakily swiped a second sample of bread. I was glad no one noticed my greed. "Every year since I was a baby they took me here. I was almost tempted to bring Dad, but I didn't want to be bothered with pushing his wheelchair all day. Was that selfish of me?"

"No, that was fine. Didn't you say he has a poor memory anyway?"

"Dementia, yeah, you are probably right. He would most likely complain the whole time. Who needs that? However, I sure miss Mom, because she would have loved it."

"Your mom was a wonderful neighbor. We sure were sad when she had her stroke. I can't swallow how speedily she went. We were tickled when you guys moved in. Like I said, your parents were sure splendid neighbors."

After exploring more displays, we wandered silently, both lost in thought. As we meandered, we unknowingly found ourselves drawn to the enchanting strumming of a guitar. The music lured us in closer and closer, lulling us into a false feeling of euphoria. Tantalizing feelings of ecstasy delighted my senses. Unconsciously, we headed to a clearing of trees. There, the captivating music was coming from a lone maiden on a guitar. I began to lose my sense of judgment as the melody kept me spellbound.

My skin prickled as I gazed into the guitar player's eyes. Oh, how they were wild and magnificent. The hue of the iris was almost purple. An unnatural flare glimmered out of them. I couldn't tell what captivated me more, the guitar or the guitar player's appearance; they were both stunning. Not only was the guitarist intoxicating to look at, but her voice was incredibly addicting. It seized my very soul and wouldn't relinquish its grip. The guitarist had flowing black hair hanging past her waist. It was profoundly unusual because some sections resembled silk while other strands looked like they hadn't been brushed in years. The ratty pieces had formed into dreads. The maiden had a honey colored complexion with deep red lips. Her dress, a crimson sheer material, bellowed all around her body. Gold laced weaved back and forth in the translucent gown. Pointy magenta nails stretched off of her fingers. With her gorgeous soprano, the lady reminded me of the Sirens of Greek mythology. Their voices were so enchanting that the sailors would be hypnotized by the Sirens and dash their ships against the rocks. I found myself being lost in the bewitching melody. The guitar player held a Custom Rebels Precious Guitar. Every inch of it was covered in genuine Swarovski Austrian Crystals. Each crystal radiated within its majestic color spectrum. With each movement the artist created, the guitar would sparkle and shine. A rainbow of light twinkled off the gems. The sound resonated in an absolute brilliance pitch and tone.

The player glanced up and said, "Stacey and Aleta. Have a seat." Still strumming the strings, she produced challenging riffs.

I shot Aleta a strange look, for how did the guitar player know our names? Aleta quizzically looked back at me with her blue eyes. I suddenly felt weird. Maybe we had used our names with each other when we had first walked over to the music? If this lady worked for tips, she was slick. We both dropped to the damp grass in front of the mysterious woman. It was exciting to watch the artist strum out chords. Her fingers glided back and forth without a mistake.

"My name is Asp. Do you like my music?" she asked. I nodded.

Asp had several snake tattoos wrapping over her arms. Her name fit her incredibly well. As she plucked the guitar, she took up singing again. I could have spent the rest of the day listening to her. I comfortably stretched out on the grass while a cool breeze tickled my arms. I was so relaxed. I desired to close my eyes and concentrate on the music; but I couldn't. Asp had locked me in a gaze I couldn't break. My nerves vibrated along with the music. The felicity carried me away. After Asp finished her song, Aleta suddenly snapped out of her trance. She no longer looked pleased, but more forbearing, her perfect skin wrinkled in concern. She must have felt uneasy, because she hopped up and dropped a dollar in the Asp's black guitar case.

"Thank you," Aleta said as she swiftly reached for my hand. I was still spellbound and refused Aleta's outstretched offer, for I was fully drawn into Asp.

"Don't leave yet. I love playing for an audience," Asp said as she plucked at the strings.

"Thanks," said Aleta. "But, we really should go find our families now."

Determined, Aleta gripped my hand with her soft hand. She pulled me up. Before I could fully stand, Asp's hand snaked out and captured my other hand.

"I have a personal favorite of yours," Asp said. I sent Aleta a look of defeat and plopped back down. I was happy to stay, and kind of preferred Aleta to leave. I turned my back to Aleta and flashed a smile to Asp. Aleta stood behind me. I could feel her stare penetrate my back.

"Maybe you should walk home," Aleta curtly said. Deep inside, I had an urge to bid Aleta to get lost, but I held my tongue. I went to stand up.

Asp smirked at Aleta as she picked up her guitar.

When I met you the world was bright and sunny.

When you left, the curtain fell.

I'd like to laugh, but nothing strikes me funny.

Now my world's a faded pastel, oh well.

The song instantly tore at me, disrupting my emotions and sending huge tears down my cheeks. Aleta looked confused and uncomfortable as she watched my peculiar reaction. I couldn't stop the emotional assault. I yearned to leave but felt trapped in the lair of the Asp. Asp finished the song then she knelt beside me and ran her fingers through my hair. Her touch tantalized me, whereas her dress managed to wisp about the two of us. An electric charge powerfully generated around us.

Embarrassed, I whispered, "I am sorry. That song makes me think of my deceased friend. I played it over and over after she died. We were big fans of Steve Miller; we even went to the Steve Miller Band Concert when we were fourteen." I rubbed my eyes with my fingers. They became wet and salty. Asp picked up her guitar and returned to singing, pleased at the effect she was procuring on me.

I guess I am luckier than some folks.

I've known the thrill of lovin' you, lovin' you...

Aleta pulled me up. The loss of my emotions made it easy to be dragged away. I mouthed thank you and turned my back to Asp. As we were leaving, Asp called out.

"It doesn't have to be this way."

"Ignore her, Stace," Aleta said.

"You don't have to hurt anymore."

Aleta gripped my arm and moved me rapidly away from Asp.

"I can bring Deidre back."

I stopped cold. Had I heard Asp right? I turned and locked eyes with her. I felt numb.

"How do you know her name?"

Asp winked at me while she used her fingers to delicately caress her guitar.

"I asked you, how do you know her name?"

"I know everything, Stacey Olson Caldwell. I know all about your unquenchable, body aching woe; malaises I can make go away."

"What do you know about my heartache?" I asked, daring Asp to continue.

"I can behold it in your eyes, Stacey. You don't have to miss her anymore. I can bring her back."

Aleta yanked on my arm. "Stace, let's go now! This lady is a witch. You don't want to mess with her."

Angrily, I forced Aleta's arm off me. I was fixed. I couldn't pull away from Asp's words or her in-locking glare. Was it real or was I in a dream? Countless nights I had dreams where Deidre wasn't dead. Maybe this was one of them. I felt as if I was floating toward Asp, as if Asp was beguiling me and there was nothing I could do about it.

Aleta captured my arm again.

"You are in a trance Stacey, snap out of it. This lady works for the devil. She is lying to you. Walk away."

I pushed past Aleta for the second time and walked right up to Asp. "Bring her back then," I challenged.

"Sometimes the cost is not worth the price," Asp warned.

"If you can really make Deidra Larson alive again, then I am willing to pay the price."

Asp's face grew grey as her lips coiled into a grin. A dark aura penetrated the area. The wind picked up violently and tossed everything around. "Stacey Caldwell, I can bring Deidre back, but I will warn you one last time, the cost is not always worth the price." Asp's hair lifted and soared next to her face. Her vibrant eyes transformed into black stones.

Aleta was bawling now, her makeup smearing around her eyes. She resigned from using force as she pleaded with me to turn away. The evil had control over me. Fully possessed, I held out my hand to Asp. "Make my friend alive."

Asp's cold, clammy hand clutched mine and immediately a sonic boom went off. The blast launched me back on my bottom. The shocking jolt snapped me out of my trance. Aleta pulled me up. I rubbed my lobes that rang out from the explosive blare.

"Wow, that was loud," I yelled as I had a difficult time hearing my own voice. Aleta didn't seem fazed by the explosion, she smiled. I turned to see how Asp reacted to the blast. Asp was nowhere to be seen.

"Where did Asp go?" I asked Aleta.

"Who?" Aleta asked.

"You know; the guitar player."

Aleta truly appeared lost to what I was talking about. "Must have missed her," Aleta said.

### CHAPTER 4

Aleta headed toward the children's stage, not saying much. I stood there rather dumbfounded. What had just happened? Was any of it real? I wanted to talk to Aleta about it because everything had been weird, almost like a dream. Aleta had already moved quickly forward. I figured she must still be mad for the gruff way I acted toward her. I felt kind of foolish for my actions. I wanted to smooth things over, so I ran to catch up with her.

"Are you mad at me? I acted pretty stupid back there. I am sorry; I don't know what came over me," I apologized while out of breath.

Aleta was busy watching all the commotion, and she barely responded with an, It's okay." She briskly walked on. I perceived Aleta's silence meant she was angry with me. I resolved not to push the subject of Asp. On our way to the children's stage, I saw Kevin buying a snow cone.

"Kevin, where are the kids?" I asked as I casually bit his Tiger's Blood snow cone. The cold ice refreshed me. If he didn't watch me; I could have eaten the whole thing. For September, the day was particularly warm. A chunk of red ice dripped onto my shirt, instantaneously staining it. I rubbed at the stain, which only made it worse.

"I thought you had them," Kevin responded, reclaiming his snow cone. Another chunk of ice slipped off onto the ground.

"Kevin, how could you leave them at the theater alone?" I barked as I stomped off toward the stage. I was miffed Kevin would so casually leave three children unsupervised at such a busy place, granted Ben was eleven, but I still wasn't comfortable leaving him and Lil' Dee alone. I was also sure Aleta wouldn't want Kara unsupervised. Kevin and Aleta trailed behind me as I returned to the children's stage. There was no keeping up with the fury of a mother.

When we arrived at the children's stage, we found the doors locked. Heaviness took over inside me, and a panic built up from within. I could not see the children anywhere. Desperately, I scanned the area and viewed the dense wall of people everywhere. No sign of the kids. It felt impossible to spot three little bodies in a sea of people. They could be anywhere.

Kevin strived to stay composed. "It's okay guys. We can find them. Let's split up."

We split up and went in three different directions. I felt my stomach twisting and turning, the fear was so profound I ended up puking in a bush.

I always kept a close watch on my kids. How could Kevin let that happen? How was I ever going to find them? If I didn't find them, I wasn't sure I would ever be able to forgive Kevin. It could already be too late. What if something terrible had happened to them? I swallowed the left over acid in my mouth as it burned all the way back down my throat. I was so scared and didn't know what to do. My body was shaking. I was sure my kids had already been kidnapped. As I rose out of the bush, I saw Kevin coming toward me, his thin brown hair swaying in the breeze. He had Kara and a strange three-year old in his hand. I wiped my face on my sleeve.

"It turns out that Kara had brought money and was buying her and Hailey cotton candy." Kevin gave me a warm smile, flashing his crocked teeth. "You can forgive me now."

I did a wild 360°, scoping the area for Ben and Lil' Dee. Kevin peered at me with a puzzled expression. "Kevin, where are our kids?" I made my tone excessively loud and angry.

"Baby, slow down. Can't you see me holding Hailey?" Hailey was a pudgy toddler with rounded cheeks bright and pink.

My eyes became even wilder, and I flared my arms. "Don't screw with me Kevin, Where are our kids?" The panic was taking over.

Kevin let go of the two kids and positioned his hand on my shoulders. "Stacey, calm down. I don't understand you one bit. What has gotten into you?"

"No Kevin, what has gotten into you? I don't have time for your games. I have to find my kids, even if you don't care." I catapulted Kevin's scraggy hand off my shoulder and ran in the opposite direction from them. I had to find my kids.

Aleta had been off in the distance, and squealed in delight when she saw Kevin with Kara. While I ran away from Kevin, Aleta ran powerfully toward him.

Kevin chased after me, with his size eleven feet slapping the ground as he ran. He finally reached me, breathing incredibly hard. I know he had to push himself, because he was not a runner. Once close, he clutched my arm and spun me around. I acted wilder than ever, because I couldn't understand why he was trying to stop me. Each minute without our kids meant lost chances of finding them.

"Honey, please sit down. You are scaring me. Things are all right. We found the kids. Relax. I believe you need some water," he said as he labored to catch his breath. He wiped the sweat off of his brow onto his sleeve. He stooped over while he wheezed; he was used to sitting all day at his cushy accounting job. I'm sure his body wasn't acclimated to exercising.

I refused to sit. I could see Aleta off in the distance towing the two kids toward us. "Kevin, please don't stop me until I find our kids. I am heading to the security guard, we need an Amber Alert. We have to act soon before someone abducts them, or gets too far with them. The first few hours are always the most critical with missing kids," I said gasping for air. I felt myself becoming terribly light headed.

Kevin stuck himself directly in my face; striving to talk as calmly as he could. His breath annoyed me with his close proximity. "Listen, Stacey. We found the kids. Please, sit down. I will go and get you some water. I think you have had too much sun."

I glared at Aleta, Kara, and the unfamiliar three-year old then turned to Kevin. "Piss off, Kevin. I am going to find my kids." I returned to running again, and ran all the way to the brown security tent. I could scarcely breathe when I arrived at security.

"You have got to help me," I gulped in-between words. "I can't find my kids."

A guard went over to me and showed concern. "Let us help you, ma'am," he said. "Tell us their ages and some identifying features."

"Ben...Ben, he is the oldest, Benjamin Kevin Caldwell. He is eleven, he has sandy blond hair, he is about this tall, and I think he was wearing a Spider Man Tee shirt. Deidre Hailey Caldwell is about this tall, she is eight, she has curly strawberry blond hair, and she is wearing a pink shirt. Please, we are wasting time, we must find them."

Kevin piped in, "Officers, we are sorry to bother you. We found our children," he told them. The guards looked relieved. I am sure they did not wish to deal with a missing child profile.

"What?" I barked. I observed Kara and the strange three-year old still heading towards us. No sign of Ben or Lil' Dee.

"My children are still lost." With disdain, I glared at Kevin, unsure as to what he was up to.

Kevin pointed towards the kids, "Officers, that is Hailey our daughter, and Kara is our friend's daughter. I think Stacey is still a little shaken up from losing them for a moment." Kevin seemed composed.

The rage spilled out of me as I balled up my fists and repeatedly hit Kevin in his sparse arm. "Why are you doing this?" I roared at him as I turned to the security guards. My face had turned fiery red. "Don't listen to him. My children are gone!"

The Security guards looked so confused. I'm sure they had no idea what to do. The head guard gripped his phone and called the police. "This matter is way beyond the minimum wage training I have," he said.

As Aleta approached, the three year old was crying. The raised voices must have added to her fear and confusion. She ran over to me, pushing to climb up my legs. "Mommy..." She wailed.

I gazed into the eyes of the little girl. It baffled me to note her eyes were identical to Lil' Dee's. The toddler's hair was black and short. I extracted the strange child off of my leg and pushed her away. I didn't know whom the child belonged to, nor did I care. Dejected, the three year old ran bawling into the arms of Kevin. He scooped her up and held her tight. I went to the head guard and demanded assistance. "Why is no one helping me?"

The guard rubbed his hand back and forth across his leather brown skin as he smacked loudly on his chewing gum. "Lady, to tell you the truth, we are really confused. The police will be here soon, they will know what to do."

"Good, they better get here soon, because I am going to sue all of you. Every single one of you, even you Kevin," I said shoving my finger in Kevin's light colored face.

Shortly, the police arrived. I explained my side to them. I told them my son Benjamin Kevin Caldwell was missing along with my daughter Deidre Hailey Caldwell.

"I don't know why Kevin and Aleta are playing these sick games. Maybe they are engaged in an affair with each other," I said accusingly. Aleta looked uncomfortable as she swayed back and forth on her perfect body. I knew she was a devout Christian who followed the Ten Commandments and would never cheat on or with anyone, but I was hurt and was bewildered by her actions, so I used any slander I could muster up.

"Why would Kevin hide his own kids?" the police officer asked.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Maybe," I screamed back. "They are stashing them away so they can run off with them tonight."

Kevin acted real embarrassed by me. He shuffled around and held his arm tightly while he told his side. "Officers, I can't explain what is going on, but we only have one daughter. Her name is Hailey May Caldwell, and I am holding her in my arms." Hailey clung to him, looking genuinely frightened. Her brown eyes looked like a scared animal

"Hailey May Caldwell?" I yelled perplexed. "Our daughter's name is Deidre Hailey Caldwell and she is eight – not three." I became irate and swore, hollered, and hit Kevin. My life seemed to be whirling around in circles. I couldn't grasp what my husband was up to.

"Do you have any pictures of your kids? It would help us locate them in a timelier manner." The police asked me. I plunged my hand into my tiny black purse and removed my billfold. I was in such a hurry I didn't even notice the purse looked nothing like the one I had come with. Opening up the billfold, I brought out my pictures. There were oodles of pictures of me, Kevin, and Hailey May. There were no pictures of Deidre Hailey or Benjamin Kevin.

"You know what officer, this isn't even my purse. I came with a humongous purple leopard skin purse today. As you can see, this isn't my purse." My case didn't look good. Rattled, I thrust the purse down.

The police picked the purse off the ground. He brushed off several strands of grass that clung to it. Opening it, he investigated its contents.

"I am sorry, Stacey, this purse looks like it belongs to you. It has your credit cards in it, your id, and all these pictures of you and this darling little girl. Now, I suggest you sit while we get you a drink and we figure things out." The officer led me to a chair, but I refused to sit.

One of the officers silently leaned into Kevin's slim frame, and I heard him ask, "Has she been drinking or taking drugs?"

"No," Kevin firmly stated. He looked at my unorthodox behavior and replied with less conviction, "At least I don't think."

I went unglued. I slugged the officer in the belly. "My kids are dead because of all of your incompetence! Can you live with that on your conscience for the rest of your life?" I was screaming. "Just let me go, so I can find them myself." It hurt badly not knowing where they were.

Three police officers surrounded me and attempted to calm me. I couldn't control my actions, for the fear took over as I swung fiercely and scratched as many faces as I could. When the officers bounded my arms, I began kicking. My adrenalin was surging at full speed. My strength was unusually powerful as it took six people to constrain me. All the while, Hailey buried her head into her Kevin's bony shoulders. I fell apart and was so lost in my hysterics, and while this was going on, an ambulance pulled up. The driver, a huge man, quietly walked over to me and reached through the commotion and stuck a needle in my butt. The drugs surged through my veins, immediately crumbling me into an officer's arms.

### CHAPTER 5

I woke up with my head in a daze. I scanned the room, considerably confused to what had proceeded. Terror overcame me. Where was I? My head felt too fuzzy to figure things out. As I focused on my body nicely tucked into bed, I ran my fingers along the edges of the green blanket covering me. Deliriously, I scrutinized the room again. The decor looked like it could be a hospital room. There was a small bedside table, a chair in the corner, and industrial tile on the floor.

I flipped back the covers and examined myself. Had I been in a car accident? I swept my hands over my whole body. Everything was intact. No broken skin, no misplaced bones. As I stood up, the blankets coiled toward the floor. My head felt lost in a cloud, my mouth remarkably dry. An enormous thirst pulsated in me. I felt every cell in my body scream for hydration. Spotting a mug full of ice water, I snatched it. With uncontrollable shaking in my hand, the mug jerked around as I tried to bring it to my lips. Struggling to keep my nerves steady, I spilled a little water over the side, and it splashed on the floor. I tried again and got a small drink and mostly a wet lap. The icy water slid down my throat. It did little to dissipate the sensation of cotton in my mouth. Quickly I downed all thirty ounces of water. Letting out a large burp, it released the air I had swallowed. I put some water in my hand and rubbed it across my forehead. The coolness tingled my skin and refreshed me.

Curious, my feet carried me to the bathroom. Were there any scars on my face? I couldn't detect any on my body, so they must be on my face. I gazed into the glossy plexi-glass mirror. My green eyes questionably stared back at me. My round face appeared normal; no scars and no visual abnormalities. If my body was fine, then why was I in a hospital? The one odd thing I noticed was my brown hair use to be slightly above my shoulders. Surprisingly, it was quite a bit longer, reaching mid back. Maybe I had been in a coma for six months. My head hurt. I needed to lie down. Going back to the bed, I gathered the blanket over my head and fell back to sleep.

Disappointment met me when I awoke still at the hospital. It would have been nice to have come to in my bed at home. Where was Kevin? Maybe if I had been in a coma he had grown tired of me and left. Again, I observed the room, searching for clues. One suspicion stood out. There was no medical equipment in the room. If I had been in a coma, I would have an IV and all sorts of equipment attached to me. The small room reminded me of Dad's room at the nursing home.

I noticed someone hovering outside the room with their back to the doorway. I straightened up and cleared my throat. The figure turned toward me and bounded in.

"Hello, Stacey Caldwell, my name is Summer Johnston. How do you feel?"

"Confused," I weakly replied.

"Are you comfortable?"

"No, I'm not. I feel weird and thirsty, but most of all, I want to know why I am in a hospital bed?" I used my eyes to challenge the nurse, but gave up, for aggression was too much effort.

"Stacey, can I get you a soda or juice?" Summer asked.

I couldn't fathom it; the nurse was purposely evading my question. "Yes, I would like a Dr. Pepper, but even more than that, I want you to tell me why I am here," I demanded.

Summer came to my side and tucked the blankets enclosing my body in. "Hang tight Stacey, let me go get you that Dr. Pepper, and I will bring in Dr. Michael May."

I grabbed Summer's arm. I could feel my nails embed into her flesh. "I didn't ask for a doctor. I want you to tell me WHAT I AM DOING HERE?"

"Stacey, I believe Dr. May can explain things in a better degree than I can. I am just a tech." Summer tugged at my hand, struggling to remove my firm clasp. It took some doing to release my claws. Unfortunately, I ripped off a flap of her in the battle. Summer looked frightened as she dashed toward the door.

She stepped outside into the hall but never really left. She was communicating with someone. She kept peering back to keep tabs on me. Dragging myself out of bed, I went over to the chair in the corner. It matched the ugly pea green bedspread. I let my body plop into it. I watched as someone cleaned and bandaged Summer's arm. They whispered among their selves. Finally, someone gave her the Dr. Pepper. Summer palmed it and delivered the beverage to me. She carefully kept her distance from me. As I drank, the carbonation temporarily cleared my throat. The caffeine excited my nerves. Summer hastily went back to standing outside the door.

After ten minutes, a man in his fifties walked in. He had gray/white hair, a tad bit wispy. I liked his tremendous smile and kind eyes. He walked over to me and reached out his hand.

"Stacey, I am Dr. Michael May. I understand you are seeking answers. Can you tell me what you remember?"

"Doctor, I woke up in a hospital bed, and I have no idea why I am here."

"Do you remember yesterday you and your family attended the Benton County Fall Festival? Can you tell me anything about yesterday?"

I felt like my brain had promptly been snapped into place. The Fall Festival, everyone pretending my kids didn't exist! My stomach dropped. Was that all real? Maybe I had fallen off the marry-go-round and hit my head. During my coma, I could have dreamt all that crazy stuff about my kid's annihilation. I glanced over at Dr. May.

"I went to the Fall Festival with my family. Did I have an accident there?" I asked. Dr. May shook his head. Since I hadn't been in a coma, nervously I asked about my kids. "My kids disappeared; was that real? Did they disappear? Did anyone find them?" I could feel the alarm resurface in my gut. Yesterday had felt like a nightmare. I couldn't handle being hauled through it again.

"Hailey was found without harm. She is okay and safely home with your husband."

"I don't have a Hailey! What about Ben and Deidre? Is anyone looking for them?'

"Who are Ben and Deidre?"

"Ben is my eleven year old son. Ben is eleven and Deidre is eight." The room began to spin. I could feel my nervous system jump start. My stomach ached and the sweat poured out everywhere. My heart banged against my chest, and I fought not to hurl. I couldn't experience that nightmare again. I didn't hope for any more games. I yearned for my babies and I wanted them now! I thrust my hand up to my head and ran my fingers in my matted hair, hair that was somehow now long.

"Am I in the State Hospital? Someone steals my children, and I get locked up in a state hospital!" In my anger, I began yelling. It was apparent no one was going to search for my kids. Kevin must have convinced everyone I was loony, but why would he do that? It didn't make sense. I had birth certificates. I needed them to let me out and I could prove I had two kids.

"You are not in the state hospital. You are at Samaritan Mental Health. We are a short term facility to aid you in your relaxation while you figure things out."

"I don't need to relax. I need my children!" I picked up my empty water mug and hurled it across the room. "Aahhhhh!" I yelled as the mug cracked, hitting the rock solid industrial tile. "I need my kids! Get me out of here so I can find my kids." I spun around wildly, deciding the best way to get past the doctor.

Dr. May remained incredibly composed. "My job is to guide you in solving your dilemmas. I can't do that if you are throwing things. We can do this two ways. You can sit and we can talk and figure things out, or we will have to sedate you again. Our number one concern is our safety. We can't have you hurting yourself. I want you to find your kids. I want to help. Please, sit down and we will go over the events of yesterday. Maybe you will be able to remember what commenced with your kids."

Dr. May acted like he genuinely cared, regardless, I didn't want to waste my time talking. I needed to get out there and rescue my kids. How many hours had already passed since they went missing? Dejectedly, I figured being compliant may be my only way out. If they sedate me again, I would only lose more time. Again I allowed my body to fall into the chair. Dust puffed out as my weight sunk the cushion.

"Tell me about yesterday. What do you remember?"

"I remember my children disappearing and no one caring. I remember my husband lying to me, and I remember no one believing me."

"Why do you think your husband would lie to you?"

"I don't know. It sounds silly, but maybe he is having an affair with Aleta. Maybe they stashed the kids and are now running with them as we speak."

"Why do you think Kevin would run away with his own kids?"

"Sex makes people do stupid things." I was relaxing a little bit. I appreciated how Dr. May was not insinuating I was crazy. Maybe he believed me and would assist me in locating my kids.

"When did you last see Ben and Deidre?"

"I saw them last when Kevin took them toward the children's stage."

"Why did you leave them?"

"Kevin told me and Aleta to. Maybe so he could hide them somewhere."

"What was the time frame you were away from them?"

I sunk deeper into the chair while I formulated the time frame. Suddenly I bolted straight up.

"The devil lady!" I shrieked. "The devil lady... I can't believe it; it happened. No, it couldn't have happened. There is no way it could have happened. But, it did. But, there is no way it could." I frantically paced the edges of the cold room. My hands were flying widely. I was coming to a new hypothesis about my children. The strange direction was too incredible to be the right one, and yet it was the only thing that made sense.

"She did it. She forced my kids to disappear. She warned me. That's not fair; she never said anything about trading my children. Holy cow, how do I undo this? What did I do? What did I do?" Breathing heavily, I leaned over the corner of the bedside table.

"Stacey, you need to tell me what is going on? Did you figure out what resulted to your kids?"

I went over to the doctor and griped his blue dress shirt and jerked on it. I was scared and therefore I could not control the anxiety flooding my body.

"I think I made a deal with the devil."

### CHAPTER 6

I explained to Dr. May how Asp had held a magical powers over me. How she had promised to bring my dead friend Deidre back to life. At the time, I didn't heed Asp's caution; however, somewhere deep inside I had hoped Asp could really do it. I told him how I had unwisely agreed to any cost to bring Deidre back.

"I didn't believe that she could. I didn't yield her warning as serious."

"You think that this guitar player changed your past?"

I sat. I hadn't thought about it like that. Had my past really changed? Did Asp stick me on a different time line? In the new timeline were my children not born? Did I have an entirely different daughter? I mused about Hailey May. How could she be my daughter? I had no emotions or attachment to her. Did little Hailey replace my own perfect children? Were they the cost to bring Deidre back? I flew out of my chair and peered out the window. Was Deidre alive? The very thought electrified me. Was Deidre living like she had been in numerous dreams? Amidst the torture, an unimaginable thrill forced my heart to pound. Could my best friend really be alive? The joy swiftly turned sour as I recollected my angelic children.

"Doctor, what do I do? I can't sell my children to the devil. I need them back. How do I undo what I did?"

"The reality is, you are married to Kevin, and you have one daughter. You have to decide what you will do with this information. You can make the most of it and live your life loving a family that clearly loves you. Or, you can hold on to the idea of having non-living children and lose the family you have."

"You want me to pretend Ben and Deidre don't exist?"

"I never said that. I told you, you can choose to live in reality, or you can hold on to Ben and Deidre and close out life."

"Same thing."

"No, it's not. It's entirely unrelated."

Carefully listening, I tried to understand the Doctor's advice, but it only angered me. I paced again madly. I had to fix it; I had to scare up the devil lady. I couldn't lay over and accept my kids didn't exist.

"I want to give you some medicine that will calm you down."

"I don't want a sedative."

"It's not, it's an anti-psychotic medication."

"I am not psychotic! This is real. My children are real. The devil lady is real. This is real, and no pill you give me will change my Hell."

"I am not here to change your Hell. I believe your situation is highly tangible to you. All _Geodon_ will do is to open things up so you will think more clearly. You could use that to guide your decisions on what you want to do next."

...

Alone in my room, I could smell the rich aroma of broccoli hover in the air. The smell often resided in Dad's nursing home. Broccoli must be a staple to institution meals. My stomach growled in its hunger. Starved, I decided to head to the cafeteria and try a bite to eat. Noticing a suitcase stuffed in one of the wardrobes, I opened it and hauled out an unrecognizable pink robe which I draped over my clothes. The shaggy robe was hideous, but if I was at a crazy home, who did I have to impress?

I wandered into the cafeteria. It resembled the lunch room in my children's school; pretty small. The serving area offered a few choices and a huge salad bar. The tables had elongated benches attached to them. I almost expected the principal to come and direct me where to sit. I ventured my way to the serving area where I ordered Hawaiian chicken, broccoli, a dinner roll, and Jell-O.

Taking my meal, I glanced around. I wasn't inclined to sit by any of the 'crazies.' It bugged me to be grouped on a parallel level as them. I didn't identify myself as mental. Gazing at the various people sharing the cafeteria with me, I did however, find myself get sympathetic. Maybe they weren't lunatics either. Never in my life had I placed any credit in voodoo, black magic, or witchcraft. Now I knew all those dark powers were real. Maybe everyone was in there because of black magic. A chill ran up my spine, I shuttered. There was a hidden world out there everyone seemed to be naive about. Whenever anyone came out with the truth, did they get shut up in an institution? Maybe we were alike. Who knew? Maybe the devil had stolen their lives as well.

Pinpointing a secluded corner of one of the tables, I took a seat. I forked my food on the plate. Usually I had a hearty appetite, a real passion for food. Kevin used to brag to all my friends how I sometimes could out eat him. But as I sat there, I couldn't bring myself to eat. I stared at the food. Although I was famished, nothing looked acceptable. The broccoli was limp and yellow from spending an excess amount of time on the warming table. The chicken appeared five days old, dry and tough. The pineapple had shriveled. Uninterested, I dropped my fork and returned to my room; the food remained untouched.

On my way back, I spotted a visitor leaving through one of the locked doors. I ran as fast as I could to slip through the door with the guy. As he saw me running toward him, he tried to close the door, but I grabbed it and we began fighting over it. The man was stronger and had almost closed the door, when I bent down and bit his hand. He yelled out in pain, and several workers charged to his aid.

### CHAPTER 7

Warm drool ran down my chin and pooled at the tip of it. Every thirty seconds, a small drop would break free and cascade off until it would land on my collar. A small sphere of wetness soaked my front. I had a hard time staying awake. I wasn't sure what drugs they had forced into me, but they were taking over.

"Stacey," the voice seemed to call. "Stacey, wake up, you have a visitor."

I felt a call beckon me from somewhere in the distance. I tried to pinpoint the source of the invitation. I was wading through a haze of incoherence. I chased the sound through a labyrinth of fog and fear, always at the verge of touching the voice, but never quite close enough.

Something hard and scratchy rubbed against my chin. My eyes opened. It was Kevin! He was soaking up my drool with a cloth. That was sure nice of him, what a guy! Heavily, my eyes shut.

"Stacey, wake up sweetheart. They are only giving me ten minutes with you. Please wake up."

My eyes fluttered back and forth. I wanted to open them, but they felt plastered closed.

"Stacey, wake up. It's me Kevin. I am here for you. Please wake up."

My body slipped from its position as I further slid in my chair. Kevin tried to reposition me as he continued to talk to me.

All too soon a man approached. "Mr. Caldwell, I am sorry, visiting hours are over," the tech said.

"Could it already have been ten minutes?" he asked.

"Actually, it's been twenty. You really need to go now," the tech replied.

I opened my eyes again and saw him looking at me while more drool slipped out of the corner of my mouth. My head flopped forward and my left arm twitched.

"All right," Kevin responded. "At least help me carry her to the bed. We can't leave her in this awkward position."

The tech shuffled back and forth on his feet. "I am a little hesitant to lift dead weight. I was trained in holds and restraints, not in transfers."

Kevin altered his voice to one of a commanding nature, one he often used on the kids. "Listen, we are not going to leave my wife in this chair. You will help me move her."

United, Kevin and the tech lugged me toward the bed. On the way there, the tech lost his grip. With a sickening thud, my head whacked the hard tile. I didn't feel a thing.

"Careful!" Kevin barked. He helped the tech lift me up again and hoisted me into my bed, tucking the scratchy blanket around me. Later I would see a bright red contusion on my forehead from when he dropped me. He gave it a gentle kiss, said a prayer then walked out of the room.

...

For the first few days, when I was awake, my attitude was irritable and aggressive.

"Come to breakfast now, or you will miss it," The tech named Steve said. He seemed weary from trying to arouse me. I looked over at him from my bed. My head pounded, for all I really wanted to do was stay there.

"Why can't I eat when I'm ready?" I asked.

"That is not how it works around here," Steve answered. "The cafeteria will close in fifteen minutes. I suggest you get up now if you want to eat." Steve reached his hand out to me. I grasped it, allowing him to pull me out of bed.

He left me standing while he went over to the wardrobe and pulled out a brown pair of slacks. "How about this," he asked?"

I rubbed my head. It hurt more today than when I first woke up the day before. I was too tired to make a decision, for I wanted to be back in bed.

"Look, Stevie, I am not going to get dressed today. I don't lack the desire." I headed to the door to go to the cafeteria in my pajamas. Steve rushed over to my side attempting to stop me.

"It will do you well to get dressed. If you don't like the brown one, then why don't you go pick out your own outfit?"

I ripped the pants out of Steve's hand and threw them on the floor. I turned into Steve and pushed him with tremendous force onto my bed. He looked up at me like a frightened animal.

"Listen, since you seem to have a problem with listening to me, let me say it slower. I... am...not... going....on....getting... dressed... on...this....today. Is that clear or shiny?" My words hadn't come out quit right, but I think he got the point as I left him on my bed and walked out into the hall. I swayed back and forth with my lack of stability. Steve ran in front of me and tried to block the hall. With all my might, I shoved him into the wall. I felt bad for doing it. In fear, I ran. I really shouldn't have pushed him like that.

Before I could make sense of things, a code white was called. Several large bodies piled on me and dragged me kicking and screaming to a solitary confinement room.

### CHAPTER 8

I paced back and forth. When I grew weary of that, I began pounding on the door.

"I am going to sue you guys. I am going to sue all of you, especially you, Stevie. How dare you guys cage me in like an animal. HOW DARE YOU! I have done nothing wrong. Someone steals my children and you guys imprison me. That is rich. That is rich. I won't stand for this. LET ME OUT!"

I pounded on the heavy steel door. All my penned up fear and anxiety manifested while I slammed my fists into the door. My skin tore open and blood smeared all over its surface and dripped to the floor. I smudged it around like finger paint.

"I want to speak to the Doctor. Where is Dr. May? I want the Doctor. I want my lawyer. I have a right to a lawyer. What about my Miranda rights?"

I flew around the room like a tornado for several hours. My body eventually wore out and I fell asleep in a pile. Later I awoke as I felt the door being pushed into my side.

There stood Dr. May. "Thank you for calming down, Mrs. Caldwell. If you are willing to stay calm and sign a contract, I would love for you to come out and have lunch."

Almost simultaneously my stomach grumbled. I really was hungry. The drug fog had passed from my head, and things seemed a little clearer. My intensity and anger had dissipated with his words, and I was ready to comply. As Dr. May pulled me up from the floor, I saw Kevin standing behind him. I pushed Dr. May's hand away and I shuffled to the corner of the room. Angrily I turned back around and pointed my finger toward Kevin.

"I do not want to see him," I snarled.

Dr. May appeared confused as he turned to look at Kevin.

"You don't want to see me?" Kevin dejectedly asked.

I pulled my arms over my chest in defiance. "Tell him to leave now and not come back until he is willing to take me home. He put me here, and for that I HATE him. I will only forgive him when he takes me home."

"Sweetheart, I didn't..." Kevin tried to communicate with me as he was still shielded behind the doctor.

"Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" I screamed as I charged toward the men. My fury was in clear bloom. Dr. May promptly dashed behind the door and closed and locked it. Caged in, I shrieked behind it.

"I am sorry, Mr. Caldwell. Why don't we go to my office and talk?" I heard Dr. May say on the other side of the door.

...

Dinner time rolled around. I was extremely hungry and certainly cold. I had spent the entire day in confinement. Now I was ready to eat a full meal and return to my drab room which felt like a suite compared to the sterile holding cell. Dr. May came to me, and I agreed to remain civilized, and I even signed his stupid contract.

As I ate alone in the cafeteria, I determined I was getting nowhere with my behavior. What I really needed was to get out so I could figure how to change the sands of time. I decided I would start attending the groups, making my counseling sessions with the doctor, and jumping through whatever hoop they placed in front of me. I didn't know if the outside world held anything for me. I wasn't sure I even preferred to go on living without Ben and Lil' Dee; however, I knew I was ready to leave the institution.

...

Trying to play all of my cards right, I went to the group meetings. I found they even refreshed me a bit. No one treated me like I was crazy, for they all had far weirder problems than my own, plus a few members even cried with me. Maybe I would prefer the company of someone with a mental disorder compared to sane people who were more likely to be judgmental and cynical.

Although Kevin visited twice a week, I refused his visits. I still felt mad at him. If Ben and Lil' Dee were never part of his life, then I had no right to be mad at him; however, I still noticed myself hating him. I felt angry at Kevin for putting me in Good Samaritan. I was mad he had me looking like a fool at the festival. Most of all, I was hurt Kevin didn't believe me.

After a week of progress, they released me. The Doctor gave me a prescription for _Geodon_ and told me I had to meet with a therapist weekly.

Kevin picked me up from Samaritan Mental Health. He came in my room with a taut smile, a smile not looing natural. He held a bouquet of Mylar balloons in one hand and a vase of roses in another. He hastened over to me. Wrapping his arms around my shoulders, he gave me a big hug. The embrace felt so warm and comforting. I realized maybe I should forgive him. I needed him to pull me through everything. I had leaned on him so heavily in the past. Now, I needed him more than ever. I noticed we were alone. I was content no one had come with him.

Outside, he assisted me into a teal 2010 Mercedes-Benz E350. I had never ridden in such a luxurious car before. I climbed in the passenger seat with caution, not wanting to soil it any way. Inspecting the car, I noticed how clean the interior was. Our cars perpetually had ground-in crumbs from the children. Usually, I would stumble upon a collection of happy meal bags stuffed under the seats, seats permanently sticky from spilled sodas. We hadn't done the best job in keeping our car's interiors tidy. Was the Mercedes a rental or a lease? It was too spotless to belong to us.

The car ride was pretty quiet. Kevin seemed like he was afraid to talk to me, which I was fine with, for I had nothing to say to him. I was still pretty mad at him for putting me into a crazy home.

After a short drive, Kevin pulled into our home on Adam's Avenue. I noticed a for sale sign in the yard. Was he selling my parent's home? I didn't wish to talk about it, so I didn't ask. He came over to my door and opened it. Taking the lead, he guided me inside the house. It was dark and dismal inside. He turned on the light and I was perplexed. Everything looked like it had after we moved Dad out. I had spent months selling Mom's outdated furniture and replacing it with new pieces. All the flooring had been redone, and I had painted every wall in there. Now, I felt like I was standing right back at the beginning. Everything was the original way my parents had left it. I felt weary.

"Where is all my stuff? Why are Mom's things back in the house?" I quizzed Kevin.

"Uh, this is where her things are kept."

I was agitated that Kevin was acting so stupidly. "Kevin, why is our house full of Mom's old crap. Did we not sell it?"

He wiped his hand across his brow. "We are planning on selling all of Mom and Dad's things, but we haven't had enough time to move much out yet."

I turned to Kevin. "How long have we been here?"

"Off and on," Kevin replied as he turned on all of the lights. "We have been here long enough to settle your Dad's affairs. You sometimes come here by yourself."

It tired me to think about remodeling the house all over again. I lacked any desire to redo it.

"Don't worry sweetie; we aren't going to worry about it right now. I only stopped here to pick up a few things on our way home. You can go sit in the car if you are worn out. I will be quick."

My eyes widened. "Is this not our home?"

Kevin squeezed my hand and caressed it. "Oh sweetie," he nervously chuckled. "You thought we lived in this dump? No, we don't."

Disappointment entered me, "You mean we still live in that trashy trailer?" I couldn't imagine the idea of returning to our vermin-filled home.

"No, no, no. Our home is nothing close to a trailer. We have an extremely nice house in Newport. Can't you recall our house?"

I didn't know what to make of his announcement. Newport! I loved Newport. It had been our dream for so long to live in Newport. We hadn't because the homes were way too expensive there. Being poor, we had felt so blessed to move into my parent's home in Corvallis. My face transformed into a smile.

"I love Newport," I declared.

"Well then, let's not waste any time getting home."

### CHAPTER 9

I could barely grasp the steep drive-way we were going up. There, at the top of it was a yellow two story villa with a blue tiled roof. Wrapped around the home was a porch on both levels, and on the porch were white deck chairs and a massive barbeque grill. Huge vines crawled up the exterior of the home. Attached to the lower part of the villa was a three car garage. The landscape consisted of flowers, bushes, and trees. Behind the home, the ocean roared in splendor. I couldn't even image a home so grandeur. I turned to Kevin and asked, "What do you do for a living?"

"I work at Hewlett Packer."

I noticed Kevin's hair wasn't greasy like I was used to, in fact, it was rather fluffy and styled tastefully. I continued the conversation.

"You mean you commute to Corvallis every day?"

"Sure, I do that so you can live here. Plus, this way you don't have to commute."

"You mean I have a job?" I had mastered myself as a stay at home mom. I couldn't imagine myself with real employable skills.

Kevin laughed. His bright white teeth flashed at me. Had he whitened them? But even more shocking, they weren't crooked anymore. He must have straightened them as well. He looked good with his new smile. I found myself attracted to my husband's classier look.

"I wouldn't call it a job. Stacey, you have a career. You are a marine biologist and you are running three grants right now. You may not remember it, but we live a pretty exceptional life. I am not sure why you are choosing to block this entirely out, but it is worth remembering." Kevin slowly drove into the garage, putting the car in park. He jiggled the keys dangling from the ignition. He looked like he was considering his words.

I remained dumbfounded as I twisted my hands back and forth in each other. My life whirled in a pandemonium over the last few weeks. Nothing reflected my old life; it all had changed to unknown and foreign. To that point, the deal with the devil had turned everything dreadful. Suddenly, I saw the tables turning and things were flipping to the extreme opposite side.

What Kevin said felt unreal. How could the two of us live in such a nice house? The home was unobtainable even by my wildest dreams. And the whole idea about me having a career, I hardly dared believe Kevin that I was a marine biologist. I had fantasized about working with marine life since my childhood. I had spent the last ten years coming to terms with the fact my life was mediocre and would never go beyond that. Now I was being told my dreams were mine for the taking.

"Kevin, is this really ours?"

He gave me a huge kiss on my lips, "Of course, dear."

As I undid my seat belt, Kevin reached over to me.

"I'm not ready for you to get out yet. We need to talk." He looked nervous. "I have been hesitant to talk with you. I don't know what you are feeling or even how to help you. However, I do need you to do a favor for me."

I looked back at Kevin. I had entered into a fantasy land and felt a little more agreeable. "Sure, what is it?"

Kevin picked at a loose leather string on the steering wheel. "Stacey, I um... I realize that you have confusion about our past. I know that you still believe that you have two other kids." All the solace drained off of my face. Kevin continued. "Anyway, I know that you don't regard Hailey as your daughter. However, Stacey, she sees you as her mother. You scared her and deeply wounded her. The only mom that she loves and knows is now claiming not to be her mother. And on top of that, she saw you loaded into an ambulance. Hailey has been going through a lot... We all have." Kevin grabbed my head and forced me to look at him. "She adores you. Please, even if you don't remember her, try to. She needs to know that her mom still loves her."

I pulled my head from him. I hadn't even considered how Hailey must have felt, nor did I care. I stayed in my seat. Suddenly, I lacked the desire to tour the inside of my dream home. I didn't want the charade of loving Hailey. As I rested there, the side door to the house opened. Doug poked his head out. He flashed me a warm smile. I rolled back deeper into my seat as I turned to Kevin.

"What is he doing here?"

"Well honey, he was watching Hailey for us. Plus, he is worried about you. He hoped to be here to assist you in any way you needed."

"Pu-leeeeeeeease. Your brother hates me. If he is here, then it's to belittle me."

Kevin acted genuinely wounded. "My brother adores you. He always has."

I covered my lips so Doug couldn't read them. "Your brother thinks I'm a tramp and always has."

"Why would my brother think that you are a tramp? Like I said, he adores you and you guys are close. Plus, you mean a lot to him."

"That sounds weird. You are okay with me meaning a lot to another man?"

"Why would you even say it like that? He is family, and you were there for him when Cami died."

"Cami, who is Cami?"

"Doug's wife. She died, oh Stacey, you don't even remember this? This was a hard time for our family, especially since you and Cami were best friends."

"Doug was married? I can't imagine anyone wanting to marry Doug."

"Wow, that hurts. Doug and I are exactly alike, so if Doug is way bellow your standards, what do you think of me?"

"Doug is nothing like you."

"Yeah, I guess you are a little right there, but don't forget, he is my brother, and I don't want to hear you slander him. Besides, why would you? He has been nothing but good to us."

"How did Cami die?"

"She died in childbirth."

"Oh," I said softly. That was sad. "How long ago?"

"She died a month after Hailey was born. You two were pregnant together. You ladies had so much fun being all sick and demanding of us. You both sent Doug and I through loops trying to please you two and bring you comfort. I think you tormented us on purpose."

"Did the baby die?"

"Yup, baby and mother died. That is why Hailey is so important to Doug. She would have been the same age as his daughter. With all our family living out of state, we are all that Doug has. We mean the world to him."

I couldn't discern if Kevin was speaking the truth or not. All I could reflect on was the shameful way Doug had treated me over the years. It took an imagination I didn't have to think of Doug and I having a pleasant relationship together. It took even more imagining to think we actually were close.

I peered up at Doug and concluded it was time to face the music. Whatever tune it might be.

...

I walked through the garage door into the house. Doug encircled his stick-like arms around me and gave a tight squeeze. The hug felt genuine. I couldn't recall Doug ever giving me a hug.

"It is so nice to have you home," Doug declared, his tenor voice sounding exactly like Kevin's.

As we ended our embrace, I heard, "Mommy!" Hailey flew across the kitchen and dove into my arms, her messy brown hair flying everywhere. She held firmly to me. She acted like she never wanted to let go of me again. She hugged me for three minutes. I was getting restless, wanting the hug to end. Gently I pried Hailey away. As I broke the hug, Hailey replaced it with a shower of kisses. Hailey's breath smelt like peanut butter and her thick lips lingered a little sticky jam on my cheek. I needed to redirect Hailey's attention to something else.

"Hi sweetheart, what have you been doing?" That did the trick. Hailey bounced out of my arms and ran and grasped a card for me in her plump fingers.

"Look Mom, I make you a card." Hailey showed me the work she had done on it. The drawings resembled chicken scratch to me, and I could care less, but I pretended to appreciate it. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I just wanted her to leave me alone.

"Look Stacey, Hailey has been busy decorating the house for you," Doug said as he directed my attention to the paper streamers hanging from the ceiling. I observed the kitchen. Several balloons and cut out animals were taped all over. There was a jumbo 'Welcome home mommy' banner stuck to the wall, the banner was covered in painted prints of Hailey's chubby hand. I told her thanks by patting her on the head. She stretched her arms up to me. I walked past her, pretending not to notice. I had enough interaction with her. I was done. Instead, I found myself more curious to what my dream home looked like. I gazed past the child's drawings and saw my kitchen. It was a spectacular.

The kitchen was gorgeous, decorated in blue and white porcelain. The smell of lemons danced on my nostrils. It was so huge with rows and rows of cupboards. All the appliances were stainless steel. There didn't appear to be a dirty dish anywhere or a crumb on the floor. I deduced it was big enough to fit ten cooks in at once, and no one would get in each other's way.

My face lit up as I imagined myself using the kitchen. Hailey giggled out loud with her misaligned teeth, she probably thought I was smiling at her pictures. She did a spunky dance in the middle of the room.

I kissed Kevin's moist lips. I don't recall him ever having moist lips before. "Oh Honey, is this kitchen really ours?"

Kevin's frowned. "I thought you were smiling at Hailey's artwork."

After I explored the kitchen, I went into the dining room. As I inspected the crystal place settings, I could hear Doug and Kevin back in the kitchen.

"You had told me how Stacey had freaked out at the festival. I knew she was a little confused about her kid. But, I didn't understand Stacey had no idea about her life."

"Yeah, I was hoping once we got her home, things would click back into place."

"What did they tell you happened, exactly? She acts like she has amnesia, or something."

"I don't know. Things are going to be pretty rough for a while."

"Don't worry bro," Doug said. "I will stick around and help, you can count on me."

That wasn't what I wanted to hear.

### CHAPTER 10

Amusement peeked inside me. According to my wishes, Kevin gave me a tour of the house. My excitement only continued to elevate. Everything was of the finest quality and best taste. The estate housed six huge bedrooms, a massive game room, a stately great room, an elegant parlor, a cozy theater room, and five themed bathrooms. Outside on the west of the balcony was a built in tiled Jacuzzi. One could gaze over the ocean, soaking in the frothy water of the Jacuzzi.

The master bedroom was an equal to the kitchen. The majestic room had five hundred square feet. The centerpiece was its giant eastern king sized bed with its six and a half foot wooden posts. The bed looked like it belonged in a castle. Grandly displayed was a matching bedroom set. I was intrigued by the ninety inch Panasonic plasma on the wall. The master bathroom, which was equally impressive, was almost a coequal in size and luxury as the bedroom.

During the tour, Hailey had grown restless with my arousal by the house. When I wouldn't pay her attention, she would bawl or throw herself onto the floor, rolling her plumpish body everywhere.

"What is going on?" Doug asked Hailey.

She pushed Doug away. "I want Mommy."

I apathetically shrugged. I didn't care. I didn't want her. She wasn't my child, and I had no connection to her.

When I didn't reach down for her, she ran and climbed into the tub. While she sat in it, she soiled her pants.

"What is that smell?" Kevin asked, turning to Hailey. He covered his nose with his hand. His face contorted into a frown. The smell was rank and forced all our eyes to water.

"Did you poop your pants?" he asked. Hailey glared at him with her brown eyes.

"Oh, Hailey, why would you use the tub as your toilet when the toilet is sitting right here?" He reached his lean arms out to Hailey. "Hop out, hon. We will clean you up."

Defiantly, Hailey scooted to the back of the tub. She stuck out her tongue.

"No! I want MOMMY to change me. Don't touch me. I WANT MOMMY!" Hailey resisted her dad the best she could.

Kevin turned to me and shrugged. I noticed there was a little definition to his biceps. Had he work out? I think he was giving me a chance to assist and be there for his daughter. Instead, I shuffled away from the tub. I had no eagerness to balm the screaming toddler, and I certainly didn't want to change her diaper.

"I'm sorry. I can't just stand here and watch this anymore. What is with you, Stacey? Your daughter wants you and you treat her like she is the plague," Doug said.

His words angered me. "Then leave. This doesn't concern you. Our marriage is not your concern."

"Your marriage? I am talking about my niece here, and yes, she most certainly concerns me."

Hailey wailed louder while snot ran down her face. Doug opened his lanky arms toward Hailey, giving me one last chance to help. When I did nothing, he reached down and grabbed her.

"Let me go let me go! I hate Uncle Doug. I hate Uncle Doug. Let me go!" Hailey screeched while she scratched and hit Doug. "I want my mommy!"

After snatching her, Doug paused in front of me with his beanstalk body and let out a huge sigh. With his size elven and a half feet, he stomped out of the bathroom dragging Hailey with him saying, "I never!" His feet were slightly bigger than Kevin's size elven.

Kevin turned to me. I avoided his brown eyes. "I don't know what to do," he said.

I couldn't take his disapproval, so I aimed the argument at Doug. "See I told you your brother hated me.

"Stacey," Kevin said as he breathed in deeply. His breath didn't stink. I had stopped kissing him later in our marriage, because I couldn't stand his breath, but now, it smelt like nothing. "I don't know what you are going through. I can tell you that Hailey needs you. All she wants is her mother. Can you please try to be a mother to her?"

I continued to avoid looking at him; instead I glanced up at the skylights. The light radiated on my face.

"I was being nice to Hailey. I smiled at her and I often touched her."

"You barely touched her, and she can see past your smile. She needs you to hold her and caress her. She needs her mom." He scratched his arm and walked toward me.

"You're mad at me because I didn't clean off her poop?" I said as I backed two steps away from him. "Seriously, I just got out of the hospital and you already want me to rush in and be your little maid. Give me time to heal."

"It's beyond that; it's not about changing her at all. She pooped because she wants your attention. I'm simply asking you to notice her."

"Not true," I counteracted. "She pooped because she is a dumb little toddler, and that is what toddlers do. They have runny noses and they poop their pants."

"I am trying Stacey, but how am I supposed to act to you if you insult our daughter. I can't be with you right now." Kevin shook his head, his clean hair flipping around. He walked out of the bathroom.

I stood alone in my dream bathroom, trapped between heaven and hell. I loved the house, but I couldn't stand what was going on. I squatted on the edge of the cold tub. Cherry blossom air freshener fragranced the air. After brushing the hair out of my eyes, I reached over and picked up the champagne bubble bath. I really yearned to fill the tub up and enjoy a relaxing soak, but I was afraid it would piss Doug and Kevin off. They didn't want me to heal, they wanted me to babysit.

Bawling, I slumped on the bed. I craved my old life back. I desired my own children to be with me. Annoyance filled my heart. I was sick of everyone expecting me to love the other girl. I had no connection to Hailey, and an attachment couldn't just show up. Everyone should give me more time. They expected me to come in and be a loving mom to a complete stranger; even worse, a stranger who stole the spot of my own kids. I sobbed until I fell asleep.

...

The savory smells of chicken-cordon-blue transported me out of my slumber. My stomach grumbled as the delectable smell filled the room. Knowing it had been Doug's signature dish, I sat up. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I frowned. In the past, Doug only cooked that meal when he was impressing company. I sourly turned in the bed. If there was company, I wasn't interested in dinner. Maybe if I stayed in my room, they would leave me alone.

Ignoring the appetizing smells, I resolved to explore my things. I climbed out of bed and examined my belongings. Upon opening the drawers, I found surprisingly expensive underwear. I sifted the fine materials then moved into the bathroom where my closet was. Inside it was a mixture of designer ensembles and a huge stash of wet suites and field clothes. I went over to my vanity and found a stash of fine jewelry. Picking up a handful of sparkling necklaces, I tried each one on. I loved the way they reflected the light and the way I felt in them. I wasn't sure if the shimmery stones were real or fake, but I sure had a huge collection. With them on, I tilted my head this way and that, smiling at my reflection in the mirror. I was a lady of stature; the jewelry proved that.

I didn't know how to conduct myself in the upper class. Would I know how to act the part? Sure, hadn't I seen enough movies to conduct myself with grace and sophistication?

Startling me, I felt a squeeze on my knees. Gazing down, I saw Hailey. I glanced toward the door to see if anyone else had followed her in. We were alone. Picking up Hailey, I gave her a light hug. Hailey, in return, gave me a gigantic squeeze and held me tight. I decided to let Hailey hold on for the time she needed. She held on for five minutes, smacking gum in my ear the whole time. Eventually she reared back to gaze into my eyes with her large brown eyes. She flashed me huge smile, showing the gaping spaces between her teeth. Her sweetness magically melted some of my turmoil. As I studied Hailey's familiar eyes, I wondered if I could learn to love the little girl like I loved my own kids.

Doug walked into the room, his slim body lingered for a moment. "Dinner is ready," he said as he turned on his heels and stomped out.

Reluctantly, I carried Hailey downstairs to dinner. My stomach twisted in knots. I didn't feel like pretending life was grand, for I didn't want to entertain anyone. I was irate by the time I entered the formal dining room. In the center of the alcove was a long table constructed out of carved mahogany. Draped across it was a lacey tablecloth. Elegantly, china adorned each place setting.

Gathered around the table were Doug, Kevin, and Dad; Ron. Relief rushed over me. It was only Dad for the company. He had been pushed to the table in his wheelchair. Wild hair flew about his head. They must have forgotten to comb it before they had transported him over. He had a bright yellow bib draped over his chest. Kevin must have picked him up from Corvallis Manor while I slept.

I went over to Dad and gave him a loving hug. His thick body pressed against mine, soft and welcoming. It felt so consoling to be in his arms. I was a little surprised at how safe his embrace felt. I almost believed he could make all of my problems go away. I breathed in his Old Spice. He had been wearing the same cologne since I was a child. Smelling him gave me something to hold onto, something that hadn't changed in my new timeline. Comforted by his presence, I gave him a tender kiss on his bristly cheek. Thankfully, Dad didn't know about the events of the past weeks. His memory was going and Kevin didn't wish to burden him about my ordeal.

In the middle of dinner Kevin's phone rang. He answered it, and nervously looked at me. "Hold on, I can't talk here," he whispered in the phone. He scooted his chair back and walked away from the table. Although he tried to be quiet, I heard him in the other room say, "Calm down Stephanie, tell me what is going on."

Kevin didn't return for another twenty minutes. At the table, Dad splattered his food everywhere. He didn't talk much. Hailey played with her food, but didn't really eat. I hated being there with Doug. Every time I caught Doug's gaze, I could feel his cynicism staring at me with those deep brown eyes, eyes looking like Kevin's. Both of them had similar expressions, which I detested. Doug's icy stare severed my tender emotions. I longed for Kevin's brother to go home. All I recalled of him was the strained relationship we had shared in the other time line. In the new timeline, our relationship felt much the same. After an uncomfortable meal, I retired in the kitchen to do the dinner dishes. I figured if I cleaned up then maybe I wouldn't have to lay Hailey to bed. I also appreciated the solitude. As I loaded the dishwasher, Doug popped into the kitchen.

"You can't put your china in the dishwasher. You will wash the silver trim off. You need to hand wash and dry your dishes," Doug said in a demanding voice.

I was annoyed as I yanked all the dishes out of the dishwasher, for I despised washing dishes by hand. Why would I own dishes that were not easy or convenient? As I unloaded the dishwasher, Doug skeptically stood against the island, pushing his spindly body into the edge, all the while watching me. After I had washed most of the dishes, I couldn't bear it anymore. Doug's cutting glare made me so nervous. I turned to Doug, threw up my hands, and asked, "What?"

"Why are you doing this?" Doug challenged, his fine features squinting and becoming harsh.

"You wouldn't understand." I spun away from him. Returning to my dishes, I longed for Doug to leave while I scrubbed vigorously at the last of the silverware, trying to block him out.

"You are right about that. I don't understand. You have everything. Why would you drag my brother and niece through this? Kevin has given you the world. Hailey is incredible. Why are you playing these games with them?"

My resentment intensified for Doug. How dare he talk to me like that? I wasn't crazy, and I wasn't pretending. The persecution and confusion I felt were real. I had lost my children. No one would ever understand me, nor believe me. I was half tempted to rail into Doug and inform him about my loss, but I knew it wouldn't solve anything, so instead I dried my wet hands on my pants.

"Doug, I love Kevin. I just have so many things going on right now," I said as I returned to the dishes. Maybe if I ignored him he would leave. I rinsed the silverware and released the dirty water. I could still feel Doug's presence.

"You are lucky Kevin doesn't leave you. If you were my wife, I would tell you to stop this crap. If you didn't stop, I would leave."

"I wish you would," I said as I cleaned out the sink. Doug let out a puff of air. I grabbed a towel and began hand drying the dishes in the rack. I turned to catch Doug still penetrating me with his eyes. Enough was enough.

"Why is it you have to cling to my family instead of finding a new one of your own? Now, please leave. Thank you for your help with Hailey. We appreciate it, but now I am here."

"Did you really just say that to me? Get a new family? Cami will never be replaced. I can't believe you would say something so unkind.-Glaring words from someone, who at the moment, can't even handle being a mom. I can't leave my niece with you. I don't trust you. I will leave, but I am taking Hailey with me." Doug's boldness pissed me off. In the past, I would have contended back. But, I figured it was best to let Hailey go with Doug. I knew I wasn't ready to bond with her yet. I needed to figure this life out first. I still ached for my children. When I really thought about it, Hailey going with Doug was an excellent idea.

"Do whatever you need to," I said as I left the kitchen and went upstairs to draw myself a hot bubble bath.

I let my body soak in the therapeutic water. The bath water massaged my tired muscles. Calmness overcame me and washed my tension away. I almost felt like a princess in my massive tub. I stared at the candles lining the tub's edge. The flames flickered and continued to relax me. I breathed in the candle's aroma of cherry spice and let my mind wander. While I bathed, Kevin returned Dad to the nursing home, and Doug took Hailey back home with him. I was pleased to be alone.

My bath was everything I had needed. The water relaxed me and I fell asleep a couple of times. I was ready to get out and lie in my majestic bed. Searching my drawers, I found beige silk pajamas. Having never been in pure silk, I slipped the luxurious material on my body. The pajamas felt so delicate and smooth against my skin. I felt like I was swathed in pure comfort. I understood why people would pay so generously for silk. It created the perfect feeling of feminine yet power. I could get use to the high life. I decided to investigate the blue ray collection in my room before climbing into bed. I selected a disk and fell asleep to the movie.

### CHAPTER 11

I'm not sure what time it was when the phone rudely woke me out of my slumber. The ringing screamed at me and forced me from my covers to find it. I picked up the phone and groggily said, "Hello."

"Did I wake you?" Kevin asked.

"Yeah," I flatly replied.

"I'm sorry. Hey, I wanted to let you know, I am staying at your parent's old house for the night. I think it's too late to drive back to Newport. Do you mind?"

"Whatever," I replied.

"Alright," he said, and there was silence. "I love you."

I didn't reply.

"Okay, see you tomorrow."

Without even saying goodbye, I hung up the phone.

It only took seconds, and I had slipped back to sleep.

...

The wind angrily shook the windows. The glass rattled in their wooden frames. Although it was morning, the sky remained dark and dreary. I was not ready to get out of bed as I gathered the blankets firmly across me. It sounded relentless outside. Despite the storm, for once, I felt relaxed. The bath the night before had soothed my nerves and the solitude had eased my soul. I wasn't yet ready to face the world and give up my composed self. I lay in bed for a while longer; however, the house was too quiet and my thoughts tormented me. I figured it might do me good to get out of bed and explore the house.

I discovered the house had been built out of the finest materials. Every detail was magnificent and uniquely constructed. The décor and furnishing had to have been arranged by a professional decorator. Aside from the embellishing style, the home did not lack for things to keep one entertained. There was a pool table, a shuffleboard table, an air hockey table, closets full of games, entertainment systems, a library full of books, art supplies, craft supplies, a movie room, and several top of the line computers. Even with all the home had to offer, I still felt my nerves were disarrayed, and I couldn't sit still to enjoy anything.

After my exploration, I got on the computer. I wondered if Kevin still wrote in his e-journal. It didn't surprise me the computer's password was the same one he had used in the other time line. He had been using it since College. I went to the document section, and sure enough, I found his journals. I planned to catch up on some of our life from reading them. Before I delved in, I noticed an entry from the previous night. My curiosity opened that one first.

Dear Journal,

Stacey is home, but nothing has gotten easier. In fact, things are now harder. I am not sure what I expected from her. I guess I thought she would see our home and her memories would come back. I really wish I knew what had happened at the fair to cause her to lose her memory. I still wonder if someone hadn't drugged her drink.

Doug has been helping out a lot. I am so thankful to have him. He seemed a little on edge with Stacey, which was weird. Stacey, on the other hand acted like she wanted to rip his face off.

Stacey is hard to deal with right now. She is so angry. I brought Ron over for dinner, hoping that Stacey would get her memory back. It didn't work. Doug was nice enough to watch Hailey and make dinner, while I transported Ron back and forth from the nursing home.

I stayed with Ron for a while in the nursing home, because I wasn't ready to go home, to go back to Stacey. Right now, she is sucking the life out of me.

While I was resting in Ron's Lazy Boy recliner, I opened my brief case and pulled out my stash of sugar free treats. I left a handful on his roommate's pillow. Mr. Crockett always likes it when I leave treats.

And like I always do, I walked to my car handing out the treats to whoever I met. I sure love the people there. They have nothing, and yet they are so humble. I don't think I could live in a nursing home. But these people do, and they do it gracefully.

I had almost reached the outer doors, when I turned around and headed back to the nurses' station. "Where is my girl?" I asked the nurse. Nurse Carla told me she was in the dayroom. I gave her a few pieces of candy. It is always good to butter up the staff.

I found Trina in the dayroom. I knew if she had heard I had been there and not said hi, she would have been disappointed.

There she was, sprawled out in her Geri chair. She was the youngest person I have ever seen in a nursing home. At age 25, one should be out enjoying life. Not Trina. She had a horrible accident on a water slide that had rendered most of her muscles useless. She had been living at the nursing home for 10 years. She had almost become an icon to Corvallis Manor. Everyone knew and loved Trina. Have I ever written about her? If I haven't, I want to describe her. She has long, bright red curly hair and her face is plastered in freckles. Her green eyes radiated love and peace. I have never met anyone that made me feel like Trina did. Her whole personality would light up when I walk into the room. Her muscles flex and shake as she excitedly calls to me. Her words are limited, but they are powerful. I love her so much.

She always wants to be around people because she loves everyone, and I am pretty sure everyone loves her.

I pulled out a bag of candy and some perfume. I always have something extra for Trina. She is my inspiration. If she can find happiness, than anyone could.

Trina attempted to ramble some words. I wish I could understand her better. I opened the lid to the Eternity bottle. "Is this what you want, a squirt of perfume?" I asked.

Trina shrieked in excitement, so I squirted a couple of drops on her neck. I bent over and took a whiff.

" _Wow, you smell hot, how are they going to keep the men off you?"_

Trina tightened and laughed. I love the way we banter with each other. She took her finger and rested it on my chest.

" _Trina, you know that I can't be your boyfriend, I have a wife."_

Trina pouted; she turned away in playful defiance.

" _But, you will always be my weekend affair."_

Trina screamed in elation, she turned to me and flashed a massive smile. I visited with Trina for fifteen minutes more, then headed toward my car. My spirits were rejuvenated. I love the way the residents always make me feel. It was a nice break from my current life.

I sat in the car for a while. I couldn't bring myself to return to Stacey. She sucks the life out of me right now. So, I decided to spend the night at Ron's old home.

I don't know what to say to Stacey. I had planned on being there for her first night home. I'm so disappointed in her lack of progress. It hurts me the way she treats Hailey; I need time to think.

I kind of wished I hadn't read that entry. The things he said about me hurt. I wasn't surprised to see he was still serving the people in Dad's nursing home. Kevin always had a good heart. Reading his journal exhausted me.

Remembering my soothing bath from the night before, I decided I needed another. I returned to the bathroom and dumped the bubble solution into the tub and started the water flowing. I reluctantly removed the silk from my body. I hated to part with such a lavish material. I deposited my pajamas in the hamper and jumped into the frothy bubbles. Oh, how refreshing and soothing the water felt. I was still beat from everything and rested my head on the bath pillow.

### CHAPTER 12

After my bath, I decided to go outside. I rummaged through the coat closet and my attention was caught by a pink fluffy jacket. The material was ultra-soft. Rubbing it reminded me of petting a dog. I slipped it on and walked outside and down to the beach. The storm had calmed and the morning sun was burning through the clouds. There was a chill in the air, but not bad. The sound of the roaring waves felt comforting. As the wind rushed past me, I had to keep pulling the hair out of my eyes. I wished I had gathered it up into a ponytail. Seagulls soared overhead shrilling and cawing. Their slick white feathers made the scavenger birds appear rather majestic.

Sitting, I unlaced my tan shoes and settled my feet deep into the sand. Wiggling my toes, I could feel tiny grains slip between each toe. When I became bored of that, I stuck my toes in the crisp frothy water and pulled my pant legs up, wading further into the frigid water. The numbing sensation overtook my legs. The Pacific Ocean was always so freezing cold. It didn't take long to become frozen. I got out of the water and combed the beach for sea shells. Although my feet were still cold, I left my shoes off, not wanting to soak my socks. It took time for sensation to return in my lower extremities. As I enjoyed the fresh nature, I couldn't concentrate. It was challenging, my focus was so distracted. I wasn't sure what I was going to do with the emptiness in my soul. After a while, I became too antsy with the beach. I chose to go to Fisherman's Wharf and look around.

Multiple murals adorned the buildings in Newport, most depicting sea life. They were one of my favorite things about the quaint town. Along the wharf, I loved watching the fishermen sell their fish. I especially liked exploring the specialty shops. My smile slipped away as I remembered dragging Ben and Lil'Dee through the area. My trips to the wharf had inevitably been rushed when they were with me. They would fight or demand merchandise. The trips usually ended in tears, as I would herd them back to the car in anger. Back then, I had desperately craved to go to the wharf alone. And there I was, at the wharf without them, and I hated it, for I ached for my kids.

As I walked home, I thought about the fair. Suddenly, the thought to return to the park entered my head. That is where I lost my children. Maybe I had to go there to get them back. Maybe I would find Asp there.

Inside the garage, I was dazzled by my car. Climbing in my Black Onyx Lexus RX 400H, a grin stretched across my face. I had never imagined myself as a Lexus owner. The ivory interior still smelled like new car leather. The chrome on the dash sparkled and shined. There were also no crumbs in the vehicle. As I drove it, I found the SUV rode incredibly smooth. I sped toward Corvallis with determination, for I had an idea how to undo my hell.

The pleasant drive ended at Central Park. The park was calmer now the festival had ended. Frantically, I walked the whole thing searching every crevice and shadow. I didn't take time to notice the vibrant flowers or the varied sculptures, for I was searching for Asp. I walked the park's three and a half acres three times. I found a few mothers with children, and I noticed a few lovers holding hands, but I saw no one resembling Asp.

Unconsciously, I even went to the playground a couple of times, hoping by a miracle I would see Lil' Dee and Ben swinging. Doom vanquished me as the realization set in, and I knew I wasn't really going to find Asp or my children. They were lost forever.

Glumly, I went to the central park gazebo and collapsed on the bench bawling. Mucus ran out my nose and onto the tip of my lip. I wiped it off on my sleeve. It would have been nice if I had remembered to bring Kleenexes. I ached for my kids and I loathed my current life. I craved it to be back to normal, stupid trailer and all. I would trade all of my degrees and wealth to have my babies back. Eventually I concluded my trip was fruitless and headed to the car. As I walked among the hedge of roses, a fresh idea sparked to life.

"Roses!" I exclaimed out loud. Roses had been Deidre's favorite flower. My mood brightened. In this life, Deidre was alive. I scratched the top of my head. The whole idea of Deidre existing was invigorating. I picked six roses off the park's bushes and ran to my Lexus. Throwing the flowers on the front seat, I shoved the Lexus in drive and raced to the home of Deidre's parents. I hoped they still lived there.

I had shared a close relationship with Deidre's mom, Jessica. After Deidre's death, I found myself still going to Deidre's house. Embracing me, helped ease the heartache Jessica felt. In return, hanging out with Jessica somehow kept Deidre in my life.

I pulled up to Jessica's green split level home and bounded up the stairs. I knocked on the beige door. After a minute, Travis answered it. I almost fell off the top step when I saw him. A little over a year after Deidre's death, Travis and Jessica had divorced. The loss of Deidre had been too much for the two to overcome together. I had lovingly adored Travis, because I thought he was such a fun dad. It had broken my heart to see Jessica and Travis divorce. The excitement of seeing him again compelled me to almost fling myself into his arms.

"Mr. Larson," I called out. "How are you?" Travis gazed at me in confusion. "Mr. Larson, it's me, Stacey. I was one of Deidre's old friends." Before I could continue, he turned and hollered up the stair, "Jessica, get down here!"

Jessica came down the stairs and looked at me with no recollection as to who I was. "Yes?" Jessica asked.

"Jessica, it's me, Stacey. I use to be Deidre's best friend."

"Some friend," Travis muttered and headed up the stairs. I was confused, and I looked at Jessica to apologize for her husband. The color left her face. I could deduce whatever relationship I had developed with Jessica before, was not in this life.

"Mrs. Larson?" I questioned. Jessica stood there while her eye twitched. The tension she radiated came across uncomfortably thick.

"Mrs. Larson, I used to be one of Deidre's good friends. I was wondering if you could tell me how I could get a hold of her." Jessica shifted her weight back and forth. She obviously felt very uncomfortable with me there. I was at a loss for words. I stood staring at her. Finally, she brought a napkin out of her pocket and asked, "Do you have a pen?"

I pulled a pen out of my purse and handed it to Jessica. Jessica scribbled Deidre's address and phone number on it. She pushed the napkin into my hand and dropped the pen at my feet. As I bent to pick up the pen, Jessica closed the door in my face.

I palmed the napkin and pushed it into my purse. My stomach felt sick. I had no idea what the hostile treatment was about. Dumbly, I stared at the closed door. Turning around, I walked down the stairs. Halfway down, I stopped. I headed back up the steps. It broke my heart to have Jessica so detached to me. I wished to fix the inhospitable feelings the Larson's had towards me. When I approached the door, I thought better of it. I hesitantly stood there for a minute or two. I decided I would fix things with the Larson's later. Right now was the time to bring my friend back into my life. It was the time to touch her and know she was real. I headed back down the steps toward my car.

Pushing Jessica's belligerence aside, again my heart raced. I could scarcely accept the idea. Deidre was really alive. I was going to see Deidre! I pulled the napkin out of my purse. Deidre lived at Witham Village on Walnut Avenue. That was not too far from the Larson's. I was on my way to visit my best friend.

Winding up Walnut Avenue, I noticed the majestic trees lining the road. With the car windows opened, I could feel the wind and smell the air. I loved Corvallis's unique smell. It was musty yet fresh. The odors were familiar and sparked scores of childhood memories and feelings every time I smelt it. Corvallis was home to me. I was comfortable there. Unexpectedly, I was a little sad not to be living there anymore; however, I was still thrilled to have such a wonderful house in Newport.

I pulled into Witham Village and was enchanted by its charming landscaping. It had a little pool, weight room, and cute wood bridges with streams underneath. The perimeter was lined with trees and shrubs. I parked my car in the visitor's parking stall then opened the door, but I could barely lug my legs out, for my body had turned to rubber. I shook and my heart pounded. I felt so apprehensive. I was afraid I would reach Deidre's apartment to discover she really was still dead. I wouldn't know how to grasp life if I found out Deidre wasn't going to be part of it. After all, I had sold my kids to the Devil for Deidre. I wanted to at least have Deidre in my life again. I forced my legs to move me toward Deidre's apartment. The vision of talking to my deceased best friend seemed surreal.

As I reached Deidre's building, I remembered I had left the roses in my car. I returned to the Lexus and snatched them off the passenger seat. I gazed in the mirror. I hadn't seen Deidre in years, and I hoped to look pleasing. Studying my reflection frightened me. I had bulky, puffy bags under my eyes. I could swear I saw new wrinkles. I felt like I had aged considerably in the last week. My mental morale had bottomed out and it showed on my face. Pushing my reflection aside, I skittered back to Deidre's building. Clasping the roses tightly in my hand, I walked up the stairs. At the door, I steadied my hand and rang the doorbell. Excitement and fear pulsated inside me. My heart felt like a giant tympani trapped in my chest, trying to beat its way out as I waited. The front door opened.

### CHAPTER 13

There she was; there was Deidre! Although she had gained a little weight, and had a few wrinkles, she looked exactly how I had remembered. With full force, I launched myself into her arms. I gave her a huge hug and kissed her rosy cheek. It was true, she was alive! The elation I felt from physically touching my best friend was indescribable. Deidre had died. I had watched the whole thing. I had spent the last decade in mental travail over Deidre's death. Zillions of nightmares had replayed in my mind. Now, it had truly been undone. Fate had shifted, lives had changed. All I could manage to say was, "Oh Deidre, oh Deidre, oh Deidre."

The joyous reunion was not returned. Suddenly, I felt Deidre's nails rip me off. I was catapulted into the railing. A slight pang jarred my side as the bar jammed into me. I was stunned. In all of my nightmares and wild dreams, Deidre was always pleased to see me. I had never visualized anything negative about our relationship. Other parts of my dreams were strange but never our bond. Here I was standing in the presence of my best friend, and I could tell she hated me.

"You have no right to be here. No amount of time passing will ever erase what you did to me," Deidre spat her words out. She balled up her fists and kept them near her chest.

Deidre was already in the process of closing the door. I thrust my foot forward and wedged it between the door and the frame.

"Deidre, please, whatever I did to hurt you let me make it up. I have missed you so much, if you would only..."

Deidre cut me off. "What do you mean, 'whatever I did'? You know exactly what you did. You have a lot of gall showing your face around me." Deidre shook. "How dare you come seeking forgiveness! Every muscle in me wants me to slam you to the ground."

...

Desperate, I brought the roses up to Deidre and tried to rest them in her hand. She yanked them from me and tossed them off the balcony. Once again, she shoved me hard in order to close the door, but she was unable due to my body being in the way.

"Get out of here, you whore!" Deidre yelled pushing me out of the way. I was determined not to let her win. I had waited twelve years to see her again. I couldn't give up easily.

As I held my ground, I observed Deidre's features. She had aged considerably well. She was prettier than I remembered her. She had shoulder brown hair, her face had a nice tan, her two dimples were cuter than ever, her nose was still slightly big, and she dressed very stylish. She had a different smell to her, which was also very becoming. Actually, she looked perfect. I needed her to give me a chance.

"Deidre, please, let me come in. Let us work this out. We had the world's truest friendship, and I am not going to let you throw it away. Let me rectify my wrongs."

Deidre viciously shoved me. "Why won't you leave me alone? You have no right in being here," she snarled in my face.

"Get out of here, you traitor, leave me alone!!" Deidre was screaming now. I still wouldn't move out of her door way. She pulled my hair, and even managed to yank out a huge chunk. The unexpected assault knocked me backwards. With me down, it gave Deidre enough room to slam the door shut.

I crumpled into a ball in front of Deidre's door. I held my aching head and bawled. Things were not right, how could this be? We had shared a tight friendship. We had been friends since preschool. We were inseparable. What could have possibly caused so much anger in Deidre? I folded my arms over my legs and rocked back and forth not knowing what to do. I dearly loved Deidre; the betrayal ripped me apart. I had to repair the damage. I had lost everything so Deidre wouldn't die. Deidre's very existence was because of me. She still would be rotting in the grave if I hadn't sold myself to the devil. How could I make Deidre aware of my love and sacrifice for her? How could I make the loss of my kids not be entirely in vain?

I resolved I would sit on Deidre's steps until my friend would talk to me, after all, she couldn't stay locked up forever. So, I leaned against the door while I lightly pounded it and waited for it to open. My thoughts turned to our childhood. I recollected all of our great adventures. I snickered as I recalled the trouble we had gotten into. I reminisced the good times we had shared and the trips we had traveled with each other. Remembering all the pleasant times was balm to the heartache I was now feeling. After a couple of hours, my thoughts returned to my kids. I tried to push their memory aside for the moment, because I needed my emotions to be composed for when Deidre opened the door.

During my wait, I contemplated my new relationship with Doug. Kevin said Doug and I were best friends. The very idea was too outlandish to grasp. Doug acted as critical and cruel as before. Maybe Doug felt scared by my unusual actions.

After four hours of restless sitting, I began singing. I sang loudly all of mine and Deidre's favorite songs. I needed to rekindle Deidre's feelings for me. When I ran out of songs, I loudly shared all of my fond memories of our good times. I knew Deidre could hear me in the apartment. I hoped to have her travel memory lane with me. I needed her to remember we had more good times than bad. Several more hours passed. I felt absolutely frustrated. So many times I yearned to walk away, but something in me would not let me go. I was almost afraid if I turned my back on Deidre, then Deidre would disappear again.

Anger and tiredness crept in. I began pounding on the door.

"You can't stay in there all day. Deidre, trust me, please, we need to talk. Open this door. I promise I will not leave until you let me in. OPEN THE DOOR!" I was screaming. My hands were getting sore from pounding, but I didn't stop. As I banged louder, I was startled by the touch on my back. I turned to notice two policemen behind me. The color in my face washed out.

"Stacey Caldwell, you have been causing harassment. We need to ask you to come with us." I felt so betrayed. Why would Deidre call the cops on me? Bitterly, I followed the police to their car.

"Stacey, we have every motive to arrest you for harassing. The resident of these apartments told you to leave, and yet you stayed at her door. Did you know that harassing someone is a criminal offense? Give me a good reason why we shouldn't take you to the station right now?" The police seemed hardened. They probably had no tolerance for petty crime.

"Please, please, please don't arrest me. I wasn't trying to harass Deidre. We use to be friends, and I was trying to reunite our friendship. Please, don't arrest me. I don't know how much more I can handle."

The tears must have softened the police a bit. They glanced at each other. "We pulled your record on the way over here. You have a clean past. We don't wish to arrest you, but we can't have you harassing anyone either. Can we have your word you will leave that resident alone?"

I swallowed heavily. That was the last thing I wanted to do, but I didn't want to go to jail. I would say yes, but I wasn't going to follow through with it. The police must have seen my hesitation.

"Stacey, maybe we should arrest you now."

My eyes bulged. I didn't want to be arrested. "Yes! Yes, I will leave Deidre alone."

"We will go easy on you tonight. If we ever hear of you harassing her again, you will find no mercy with us."

I reluctantly thanked the police and stumbled back to my Lexus. Slowly, I drove out of the parking lot. The police followed behind me. I couldn't think with them on my tail. I turned up and down a few streets until the police went another direction. Approaching a Safeway grocery store, I decided to turn in. I shut the engine off. My head fell solid onto the steering wheel. I bawled and bawled. My life had spiraled out of control. Everything I loved felt like it had been sequestered from me. I had sold my children to the devil to bring Deidre back. Deidre had returned but venomously hated me. I didn't know what was worse; the empty void Deidre's death had left in me, or the remorse of the deep revulsion Deidre now held for me. I had pictured our reuniting being as sweet as life itself. I never dreamed there would be animosity between us.

I numbly sat in the car while the emptiness confiscated my soul.

I thrust the car into drive and raced back to the ocean. After parking my car, I went out on the beach. The sky was extremely dark now, and I couldn't see much; however, I could hear the enchanting call of the waves.

As I walked along the shoreline for some time, I felt so twisted inside, everything was wrong and had been taken from me; well not everything, I still had Kevin. He was standing by my side, but would it last? Would he listen to Doug and leave me when I didn't straighten out? I am sure he craved his child rearing, house cleaning, food making, and clothes washing wife back. I knew he would never get her.

Glumly, I inhaled the cool salty air. I tried deep arithmetic breathing. Each breath out released a little tension, but each inspiration returned the stress. There had to be a way to clear my mind of my sorrows.

Lying down in the sand, I could feel the little pebbles embedding their way against my scalp. I didn't care; I wanted my life to end. As I breathed in deeply, I could smell the burning of wood. Someone must be blazing a fire on the beach. Sitting up, I searched the beach for the orange glow. Several hundred feet behind me I could see a group of friends gathered next to the fire. They were laughing, dancing, singing, roasting, and having a good time.

Mesmerized by the gathering, I watched them and longed for their joy.

### CHAPTER 14

Kevin was sitting in the parlor reading some magazines. I hoped he didn't notice it was past 1:00am. I looked at him, and sat down.

"What is wrong sweetie?" Kevin asked.

Did my face really show I had been crying?

I began, "Kevin, everything is wrong. Everything. I have lost all important to me."

"I don't understand how you have lost everything; in fact, life couldn't be better for us. We are living our dream and it is pretty fabulous. You still have me," he said placing a kiss on my lips.

"I have you right now, but how long will you stick this out with me? I am not going to change, Kevin. You are never going to erase my other life from me. I will eternally be tormented by the loss of my kids. I will always be disheartened by what I did. This will never change."

"Stacey, I married you for sickness and for health, for good times and the bad. We are at a little speed bump in our lives right now. What kind of husband would I be if I bailed out the first time our life hit a little turbulence?"

Although I was comforted by his words, I didn't trust him. I was sure somewhere inside he expected things to change. I sobbed again, "Kevin, it's all wrong. Things got twisted. Deidre is alive, but she hates me. She even called the police on me. How did things get so..."

Kevin cut into my sentence, "You saw Deidre today?"

"Yes, I saw Deidre today. She totally hates me, and I don't know if I will ever be able to soften her heart."

"Don't count on it. Have you truly forgotten all the details about your life? Deidre will never forgive you, and I don't blame her." He hesitated, then continued slowly, "I wouldn't forgive you either," he said the last part with a sly grin on his face and winked.

"What in the world did I do?" I asked.

He gazed deeply into my eyes and took my hand.

"Why is it that you have chosen to remember me, but you have blocked everything else out? You act almost as if you have amnesia. Maybe we should take you to a doctor and have your head examined. It's possible that you hit your head right before we met up at the festival. If you have forgotten everything else, then naturally you would forget that you hit your head."

I placed my hand on my head where Deidre had ripped the hair out; it still hurt.

"A brain scan wouldn't help. At the festival, I went crazy searching for Ben and Lil' Dee. They are our children and they are real. Just like your Hailey is real to you, my kids are real to me. I had a full life with them and suddenly they are gone, and I am thrown into some parallel universe. I became hysterical over losing them. You would do the same if you lost your Hailey May." Kevin looked away.

"Kevin, don't squirm in your seat, you have to listen to me with an open mind. If we are ever going to get past all this crap I am in, I need you to listen to me, to trust me, and not to judge me. I am not crazy. What I am telling you is genuinely true. I didn't dream this nor did I make this up. I am not going through a psychotic break. I realize after I tell you, you still won't believe me. I am simply hoping if you can perceive my hell you can help me transform into who it is I am supposed to be."

Kevin embraced me, pulling me into his skeletal frame. "I'm sorry, you are right. Go on; please tell me everything."

I stayed in his arms. "Let me start at the beginning. Twelve years ago, before this madness began, Deidre and I were best friends; we even shared an apartment together." He nodded his head. "One gruesome day, Deidre got ran over by a truck. We were riding bicycles, and I was riding right behind her. You can't even imagine how demolished her body was. It was shredded apart. I relive that image every day." My tone faded as I pushed the image out of my mind. I had caught his attention.

"After Deidre died, you and I found comfort with each other; it was only instinctive since we had already spent so much time as friends. One night we had gone a little too far, and we spent the night together. Nine months later Ben was born. Doug was furious, for he couldn't believe the scandal we had created. He pushed us into marrying early."

Kevin whooped out loud, "So that's why you thought Doug had objections toward you. Whew, I can't even imagine the disgust he would have for you if you led his twin brother away." He winked again.

I was thrilled to see he was getting into my story. I straightened up. "Exactly. He has disapproved of me and despised me through our whole marriage. I was a black mark on his perfect twin. Your brother has treated me like dirt and has destroyed myself esteem. I try to ignore him because I love you so much."

He embraced both of my hands and flashed a gargantuan smile. "Well baby, you will be glad to know he adores you in this life." I gave him a stare of unbelief.

"No, he really does," Kevin assured.

"Whatever," I said not believing him. Then I continued my story. "Anyway, we lived a pretty good life. Two years later Lil' Dee was born. I sacrificed my schooling so you could get your bachelors in accounting."

"A bachelor's degree in accounting; yuck!" Kevin interrupted.

"I know, it wasn't what either one of us wished to aspire to, it was only because we were poor and needed a quick finish."

He sat at the edge of his seat, "I can't imagine you quitting school. You are so driven and absolutely passionate about education. You, a stay home mom. I don't see it."

"It's the only life I know anymore. It killed me to leave school behind, but like I said, we sacrificed for the transgression we had. Anyway, um, we couldn't afford much, for we were pretty poor." I rubbed my eye with the corner of my sleeve. My body ached for sleep. "But we didn't mind, we loved each other. We had been living in a dumpy trailer home. With the death of Mom then Dad moving into Corvallis Manor, we took over my parent's home."

"That piece of junk?" Kevin replied. "I would never live there."

My eyes lit up as I remembered my remodeling job. "Oh no, it wasn't junk, it was a blessing. We had never lived in a better home."

"When we went to the festival, I had become entranced with some sort of gypsy woman. She told me she could bring Deidre back to life. I didn't believe her, and I challenged her to do it." I had to stop, for my emotions were now taking over. My voice cracked as I resumed my story. "She did it. She brought Deidre back to life. In exchange, she stole Lil' Dee, Ben, and my old life."

He looked at me blankly. "This is real." I said a bit annoyed. "Your memories are not my memories. I am not crazy; I come from an altered time line than you."

"Hmm," was all Kevin replied.

I felt I must keep talking to make him understand me. I so craved for Kevin's empathy. "I am having a harrowing time with the idea of my children not existing. They were real, Kevin. It's like they died, but I have no one to mourn their loss with. I have no photo albums to recall their memories. They are dead to me, but never existed to you." I buried my face into his solid chest and sobbed.

"You would have loved them, you did love them. Ben was a little small for his age, but he could do anything the other boys did. He had sandy blond hair and the same deep brown eyes that your Hailey has. Ben loved sports and he loved reading. He also was a little bit of a poet. He was a tender boy, especially dependent on me, and he was my little man." It felt good sharing our son's life with him.

"Deidre was my little princess. She loved and embraced anything and everything princess. At first we found her fascination cute. It had started as early as one. However, by the time she was eight, we were so sick of princesses. Princess toys began to make us nauseous. Our disgust in princesses only heightened Lil' Dee's hunger for more. Princess, princess, princess. Yuck. However, princess fit her stunning personality. She was always so bright and considerate of others. She was a people pleaser. She regularly tuned to other's emotions. If she could see another sad, she would give them a hug. If that didn't cheer the person up, she would sing to them. She loved to sing, having the voice of an angel. When Lil' Dee was three, she sang Oh Holy Night all by herself at a talent show. She brought the house down."

"She sounds amazing," Kevin said.

"Oh, she was. I loved doing her hair in curls and bows. She always longed to be pretty. Lil' Dee easily had fifty separate colors of fingernail polish, assumedly half of them similar shades of pink. She had pierced ears. Poor girl; they had pierced them crooked; luckily she never noticed. She had a bright personality and was friends with everyone. The teacher always sat her by the wildest kids in the class, because she had a calming effect on them. Every little boy who ever met her planned on marrying her. She was unofficially engaged at two and a half. You used to call her your Sun Spot. Our Deidre was marvelous."

We paused in silence. Kevin gave me a light massage, using his beanpole fingers.

"I can understand why you miss them so much."

"Then, are you saying you believe me?"

Kevin paused for several minutes before he answered. I breathed in his sweet cologne, he smelt good. "I don't know what to believe. Your story sounds so inconceivable. We live in the real world, not a fantasy world. Time lines don't get crossed over." I turned my back to him. I didn't like where he was going with his words. "People don't make deals with the Devil. Things like that don't happen...On the other hand, Stacey," Kevin turned me into him. "I don't doubt for a second that you believe that all this is true."

"Because it DID HAPPEN," I snapped.

"I don't know about that, because I and the world share a completely different memory than you. Who is to say that mine is correct or yours is correct? That is irrelevant at the moment. What I do know is that you believe every word that you say. I can tell that these things are truly real to you. I can now recognize why you miss your children so much. I can understand your intense sorrow upon losing them. If I lost Hailey, I would go crazy...Um I mean...I would greatly grieve her loss as well."

I felt glad Kevin was acting sympathetic. He didn't appear to be judging my level of craziness. My stomach grumbled as I became aware to how hungry I was. I had not eaten all day. The second roar came out louder and it broke the tension in the room. "I think I am hungry."

"Me too," said Kevin. He was endlessly hungry.

We went into the kitchen and put together sandwiches and sat at the bar and ate them.

"Tell me about your visit with Deidre Bill?"

"Bill?"

"Her married name."

I rolled my eyes. "Dreadful," I said stuffing the last of the sandwich in my mouth. I chewed the huge sandwich while more mayonnaise squirted out of it and ran down my chin. "Like I said, she hates me. When I saw her, you can imagine how jubilant I was. There was my dead best friend; alive! I threw myself upon her. In return, she beat me up." Kevin snickered then suppressed it.

"I wouldn't leave, for I couldn't. There she was alive, like so many of my dreams. I needed her to realize how much I loved her. But she abhorred me; she wouldn't give me a chance. It is because of me she is alive, and she doesn't even know it," I cried. "My children don't exist so she can have life, and she won't acknowledge that. I gave her LIFE." I pounded my hand on the counter. Kevin jumped to the unexpected bang. "How does she thank me? She calls the police on me. Some trade."

Kevin's face shifted into astonishment. "She called the police on you? -That little wench. Did they arrest you?"

"No, they let me go. But I am never to contact her again." I looked intensely at him. "I can't walk away from her; I can't let her go that easy."

"Stacey, trust me. She is not your friend. Walk away. She will never forgive you, and it's apparent she is causing you pain. Let her go. You have too much you are dealing with already. Don't add Deidre to your terror."

"It is because of Deidre I have this punishment!"

"That is all the more reason why you need to let her go."

"I can't Kevin; if I did, then I have crucified Ben and Lil' Dee for nothing. I will never forgive the trade I made for my children, but if Deidre and I could be friends, then at least it wouldn't have been entirely in vain."

"At the time Deidre got ran over by the bike, would you have saved her at all costs?"

"She got ran over by a truck, and yes I would."

"Would you have saved her life, even if you knew she would scorn you from that moment on?"

"Yes!"

"Well, think of this as the same way. Your children are gone, but their loss is not in vain. You said you traded them for Deidre, and here she is. Friendship is beside the point. You gave her life."

I contemplated Kevin's words for a time. He finished his meal in silence. As I picked up our dishes, I turned to him. "What happened with Deidre and me? Why does she hate me?"

### CHAPTER 15

We moved into the game room onto a giant Luv-Sac perched in the corner. Kevin collected a Chanel blanket out of the closet and wrapped us in it.

"Are you sure you want to know why Deidre is so mad at you?"

"Yes!" I shouted. "I need to know what I did so I can work on repairing our relationship. I have to win Deidre back, I have to."

"Don't count on that. She is gone, and I don't blame her. You were quite the friend," he asserted sarcastically.

"Kevin," I called in defense. "Be kind."

"Why? You weren't."

I stared at him, what could I have possibly done?

"To put it simply, you stole me from Deidre."

Kevin's statement called me to an awareness I hadn't had. Kevin had been Deidre's boyfriend. The death of Deidre had contributed to our union. I hadn't even thought about how we had come together in this time line. We had been married so long, being with him seemed natural.

"So you and I became boyfriend and girlfriend." I said as I tried to figure out the details. "Stealing a boyfriend is a cheap thing to do to a friend, but it shouldn't be departmental. True friends should be able to overcome such an obstacle."

He laughed out loud then whistled. "Stacey, Stacey, Stacey, you didn't just come in and ask me on a date one night, then bam we dated. No, no, no your demise to Deidre's relationship was much dirtier than that."

"You're being incredibly shameless on me. If you were Deidre's boyfriend aren't you half to blame?"

"Sure," Kevin grimaced, his white teeth flashed. "In fact, I'll carry all of the blame if you need me to. I don't hope to be friends with Deidre again."

"What did we do?"

"Let's see, where do I start? The three of us used to spend all of our time and activities together. We had awesome times, yes we did. I liked it like that. I wasn't in a hurry to change anything, but Deidre was forever talking about marriage. She really wanted to marry me. I told her that I wouldn't get married until after I got my Masters. That drove her crazy. She said there was no way that she could wait that long. I told her there was no way that I would marry before I was financially stable to support a family. Mother had pounded the idea of education into my head from the time that I was a baby. She had a mobile over my crib with the names of prestigious colleges on it," he laughed at his own joke.

"Anyways, like I said, Mother pushed education on me and Doug. I had made that decision before I met Deidre. So, things continued on with the three of us having a great time. You would sometimes get boyfriends, but they never lasted. When we were all twenty one, Deidre got tired of school. She dropped out of college and got a job as a yoga instructor. Doug went berserk when Deidre dropped out of college, for he couldn't understand why I was squandering my time away on her. He believed I should date you instead."

I shot my head up. "Doug really told you to date me instead of Deidre?" I was flabbergasted. I had spent too many years being put down by Doug; I could not accept Doug was now my personal cheerleader.

"Oh yeah, Doug wanted me to date someone who took their education seriously. He was ready for me to stop dating Deidre. I felt he was being shallow. It also really bugged me that he kept trying to control me. Who I dated was my concern. Sure, we are close because we are twins, but that doesn't give him the right to control me and tell me what to do."

"Yes," I blurted out. "-So true." I had waited my whole marriage for him to declare those words. I hated how our lives revolved around his twin.

"I think between Deidre's whining, and Doug's medaling, I agreed to marry Deidre. I did it to shut her up and piss him off. Kind of a stupid reasons for a lifetime commitment like that, I know. But I told her she had to wait until we had our masters."

"Who do you mean when you say, "our masters"? I thought Deidre dropped out of college," I asked confused.

"Ours. As in yours and mine. We weren't in the same program. However, we were both graduating at the same time. Anyways, when the time came, Deidre arranged all the marriage plans. She ordered invitations, flowers, and decorations. She bought her dress, reserved the church, and booked our honeymoon. She was determined that we would get married a week after I graduated. It made no difference to me; I was doing it for her. My brother was so angry. He kept trying to talk me out of marrying the waitress from Michaels. He felt I deserved a superior woman. I deserved someone like you."

"I thought you said Deidre was a Yoga instructor?"

"Yeah, she was when she dropped out of college. That was Deidre's style, ricocheting from job to job. She was waiting tables at Michaels when we were about to get married. Deidre's job instability was another reason Doug detested her. Doug was so proud of you. He wanted me to marry you so bad. I asked him why he didn't marry you, but he said you two weren't a compatible fit."

"I agree. Marry Doug, ewe, gross."

"I pushed the thought aside of marrying you, because I didn't think you were interested in me. The truth of the matter, Stacey, was I had always been attracted to you. The night I had met you and Deidre at Iggie's Pizza, I was tantalized by you. I sadly found out you had a boyfriend; what was that sleaze's name?"

"Alejandro was his name. Wow, that feels like forever ago. I had forgotten about him," I said as I was transported back to Alejandro's remembrance. It felt like a lifetime ago. He was sure a hunk. A tinge of regret entered me. I hadn't thought about him for years. I wondered what had become of him.

"What a creep," Kevin spat out in disgust.

"He wasn't a creep. He was a nice guy. We broke up because he had to go back to Mexico."

"Yeah, creep. If it wasn't for him, I would have chased after you. But, since you were involved with him, somehow I ended up with Deidre. Sure, she was pretty, but you were fun."

"Oh, so I am not pretty?"

Kevin sincerely gazed into my eyes. "Sweetie, Deidre was pretty. Who cares, there are a lot of pretty girls out there. You were, and are, gorgeous." His words generated warmth inside of me, and I found myself melting. He caressed my hair and tenderly stared at me. Chills ran up my spine. I liked the way he was looking at me. "I would have loved you for a girlfriend, but somehow ended up with Deidre. I think I stayed with her because she kept me close to you."

"Why didn't you go after me when Alejandro left?"

"Well, you never took interest in me; you were busy chasing other guys. Plus, I didn't want to come between two best friends. So, I kept going with the flow, and it worked."

"You know, I had a crush on you since the day we met as well. Unfortunately, I was with Alejandro and you were Deidre's man. I buried that crush until Deidre's death pushed us together," I informed him.

He continued, "We graduated and had a monstrous party. I could tell that Deidre felt very envious that she hadn't stuck with school; however, she was also excited since our wedding was a week away. We all kept very busy after the graduation. You were as busy, because you were the Maid of Honor."

"How old were we?"

"We were all twenty five. Oh, sweet twenty five. To be that age again. What a wonderful age. Anyways, we were to get married on Monday; Deidre and I. It was Friday and my friends were throwing me a bachelor's party. Well, you know my friends. Deidre didn't trust them." I shook my head, for I never knew those friends.

"Oh well," he replied. "My friends were a lot wilder than me. They had a risqué bachelor's party planned. Deidre didn't want me to go, but I told her it was the right of passage. This was when a boy became a man. Deidre was profoundly worried; call it premonition. She felt something terrible was going to happen. She asked if she could pick me up after the party. I told her no way. I said she had to trust me if we were going to be husband and wife. She was also worried I might get drunk and need a ride home. I told her that one of the guys could take me home. She said that wouldn't work because they would all be drunk too. I refused the idea of her coming and checking up on me. She was so disturbed. She asked if at least I would allow you to pick me up. I was angry, but I agreed.

"We had the party, and it wasn't as wild as Deidre thought it would be. I did, however, end up getting drunk. I kept true to my promise and had you come pick me up. I knew your whole reason for being there was to spy on me for Deidre. When you came to the party, I had you come in. You didn't mind because you thought I had cute friends. We all ended up in a game of football in the back yard. During one of your tackles, you must have lost your keys. We searched everywhere and couldn't find them. It was getting late. You said you would call Deidre to have her come pick us up. I had actually thought that you and Deidre had planned that. I wasn't going to let Deidre trick me and show up. I offered to walk you home instead. It was a pretty clear night, and you loved taking walks.

"While we walked you were cold. Neither one of us had a jacket. I did the gentlemanly thing and draped my arm around your shoulders to keep you warm. I could feel your heat radiating off of your body. I could smell your sweet perfume. I could feel your heart pulsating in your body. I don't know if was years of oppressed feelings for you, Doug's pushing, or the alcohol, but my whole body was on alert. As we walked in silence, all I could do was be aware of the way you were making me feel. I began shaking; the touch of you was too much. I knew that in two days, I would marry Deidre then our friendship would change. I would be Deidre's husband and would never have an opportunity for further possibilities with you. I knew that we would no longer be the dynamic trio that we were. I knew that this was my last chance in the world to make a move on you. I also knew I was being a complete pig. I tried to hold back, but when you rested your alluring head on my shoulders, I could not hold back any longer. I turned my head into you and gave you a kiss. I was expecting you to slap me; after all, I was engaged to your best friend. But instead, to my surprise and complete elation, you returned the kiss. We stood there and kissed for probably an hour, right there on the sidewalk. We eventually broke the kiss and stared at each other. We didn't know what to do. That was not supposed to happen. We both had loyalties to the same woman and we were breaching them. You apologized profusely. I grabbed the back of your head and pulled you into me. We kissed again for probably just as long. Once again, when we stopped, we stared at each other. After the silence lingered, I had to break it. I told you that I loved you and had always loved you. I apologized for waiting until two days before I got married to tell you. I told you that if you loved me too I would walk away from the marriage with Deidre and marry you. You were so frightened, you told me there was no way that we could do that to Deidre. I agreed with you, but I also pushed the idea. I told you that our relationship would change; we couldn't be the friends that we were. That night was our last goodbye if I married Deidre. You cried. You hated the thought of losing me. You confided in me that you had loved me for years. You kept saying that you couldn't break up our marriage. Your fidelity was to Deidre.

"We went to a park and swung. We were silent for a long time. You didn't know what to do. You told me that I must marry Deidre and that she was never to learn about any of this. I was sick inside, things ached. It was all wrong. I couldn't marry Deidre. I was in love with you. You agreed you loved me as well. We went over to the merry-go-round in the park and held each other. It was kind of our good bye to each other. We were together until we saw the sun rise. You felt you better get home. Deidre would be worried about you. As we were getting up, our lips met for one more time. Our kiss was so beautiful, so magnificent, and so right. We had a tough time breaking it off, but we did. Then, I finished walking you home.

"As we approached your apartment, Deidre was on the steps bawling. She could observe that something had change with us. She imagined we had been 'together' in the biblical sense. She told us that she had driven to the party searching for us. My friends told her that I had walked you home hours ago. She spent most of the night searching for us. After she couldn't find us, she went home and waited.

"You were shaking; you didn't want her to know that we were in love. As we were approaching the apartment and you saw her on the steps, you whispered to me that I must still marry her, and Deidre was never to know about our kiss. As I saw her bawl, it did nothing for me. I had no compassion for her; instead it was resentment. I didn't want to marry her. I wanted you. She was the one who was getting in the way of our happiness together. Deidre yelled at us. She asked what we had done. You promised her that we hadn't slept together. She decided to believe you because I had never slept with her. That wasn't my way. I wanted to wait for marriage to be with a woman."

I pondered the conception of Ben, and how we had broken all the rules in my timeline.

"Deidre could still tell that something had changed with us. You shook and promised her that we had spent the night talking. You told her that we had realized that our friendship would change after the marriage, you promised her that we were just saying goodbye. I stood in silence. I didn't want to justify anything to her. She was certainly angry, but she didn't have much of a choice. She planned to marry me on Monday, so she went to bed. You followed her in the house, and I was left on the porch. I hoped to tell her the truth that I couldn't marry her, but I didn't want to hurt your friendship. I decided I would still marry her, to spare you.

"Deidre and I didn't see each other on Sunday. I spent all of the day weighing the pros and cons of marrying her. The only one admirable reason I saw to the union was sparing your guys' friendship. I was so upset and antsy. I needed to be with you.

"Deidre had spent Sunday night at her parent's house so they could have one last great night as a family. We had the church scheduled at 1pm to get married. I didn't sleep the whole night. Finally, I decided, screw the friendship, I _had_ to marry you. My friend owned a jewelry store, and I had him meet me at it in the morning. He helped me pick out a diamond ring three times the cost of Deidre's ring. I needed you to know that I was serious and that you meant more to me than Deidre. I arrived at your apartment at 7:45. You were about to leave to help Deidre.

"When you opened the door, I got down on one knee and presented you with the ring. I said, "Stacey Olson, will you marry me?" You turned your back on me and went into the apartment. You paced around the house talking a mile a minute. I think that you were weighing the pros and cons to marrying me. You loved Deidre so much, but you loved me also. You told me that I encompassed all that you had dreamed in a man. I was the reason that you never got serious with anyone, because they would never compare to me. You talked about your loyalty to Deidre. You were going a little cuckoo on me.

"About an hour later the phone rang. It was Deidre. She asked why you weren't with her. You fabricated a bull story about how you had spilled your breakfast on your maid of honor dress and that you had been working to get the stain out. You told her you would meet her at the church in five minutes. You hung up the phone and came over to me. You told me that you loved me, but you loved Deidre as well. You told me I needed to get to the church. I wrapped my arms on top of your pretty shoulders and pulled you into me. I planted my lips on your lips and kissed you as tenderly as I could. In all my life, I have never had such a powerful kiss. I could feel eternity pass between us. You felt it too, because we kissed for a while, then you pulled away and kept saying, "Oh man, oh man. That was powerful." We kissed again, then you pulled back, you took the ring out of the palm of your hand and slipped it on your finger.

"Yes, Kevin Caldwell, I will marry you!" you declared. Do you know how wonderful that sounded? We of course kissed again. We were both cowards, we didn't dare go to the church and tell Deidre that the wedding was off. You knew that your friendship would be destroyed. We hastily packed up your things from the apartment. You left all the large things you owned: your couch, your TV, most of your dishes, and your bed. I told you I would buy you all new things. We took off as quick as we could, before someone would come looking for you."

I rested my hand over my mouth. I could not accept that I would do something so scandalous. How could I betray my closest friend in the world?

"We didn't know what to do. I knew that I would have a lot of explaining to do to all of my wedding guests. I was too chicken to deal with it at the time, so we decided to run to Vegas and elope."

My jaw dropped as I stared at Kevin in disgust. "You mean I got married in Vegas?"

"Sorry," Kevin said, "It was kind of my fault. I had to hurry and marry you before you changed your mind. Anyways, we got married in Vegas, then we went to Yellowstone for a two week honeymoon. That whole time I hadn't called my family to explain anything. You had called yours, because you knew that they would be worried about you. You told them what we had done. Your parents were pretty disgusted with us. It took them time, but they belatedly forgave us."

"I bet Doug was livid, I am sure you embarrassed him by not showing up to the wedding." I liked the idea of humiliating Doug.

"Yes, Doug was highly embarrassed by me leaving Deidre at the altar. However, when he found out that I had married you instead of Deidre, he was so excited. Doug forgave me in no time and immediately accepted you into the family."

"How did Deidre react?"

"Well, I heard that it was really devastating on her. I didn't mind. You did, but you were too scared to apologize to her, so you never did."

"You mean I never told her I was sorry?"

"No, not once, ever. We didn't think it was a good idea, and we were sure she wouldn't listen to an apology."

I dragged the blanket over my head. I moaned and rocked back and forth. "No wonder Deidre hates me, how could I do that to her? What a tramp I am. Oh man, how could I do that?"

Kevin snatched the blanket off my face. "You are NOT a tramp. I for one am absolutely happy the way things turned out. I know that Hailey is as well. I also know that you are too. We have had a stupendous life. We were meant to be together. We might have had to go about it in a nonconventional way. It means that we strived hard for our marriage and it will last anything thrown our way; even a bit of amnesia." Kevin flashed me a wink.

### CHAPTER 16

I rested out on the balcony and watched Doug pull up in his white Honda Prelude. I could feel my pulse race. I didn't feel ready to see Doug again. I knew he wasn't ready to have Hailey return home. Not desiring to play the role of someone else's mother, I sighed. My heart still ached for my own children. Doug had wanted to keep Hailey for more time, but he needed to return to work. I had been willing to ship Hailey off to Kevin's mother in Washington, but Kevin needed his daughter back home, he was ready to stitch his family back together. He begged me to act normal for Doug. He hoped I would recognize Doug truly had kind feelings for me.

Kevin had coached me into the type of mannerism I used to carry around Doug. He had even bought me a designer pink ring neck dress to wear while Doug was there. The dress hung divinely on my medium figure. Kevin said he loved the way I appeared in it; however, I had a hard time accepting this was my style, for it had been unlike me to wear anything like the dress.

I stayed on the balcony awhile, for I was not ready to put on my facade. As I waited for Doug to come up to me, I picked at the polish on my pink tip nail line. I had gotten my nails done earlier to distract my mind from life. The manicure had been relaxing, but it didn't change my apprehension. I looked at the dainty fuchsia roses stuck to my fingers. I plucked at the corner of one; it began to peel away. For the sake of my manicure, I decided to go inside and face Doug.

"Doug, so good to see you," I plastered on a fake smile. I shot out my arms as I approached him. We exchanged a constrained hug where I could feel his ribcage against my own.

I turned from Doug and opened my arms wide to Hailey, "Sweetheart, Mommy missed you so much!" Hailey catapulted herself into my arms.

"Mommy, mommy, mommy," she said, showering me in sloppy kisses. "Don't ever leave me again!"

Doug stood back and smiled.

I positioned Hailey on my right hip. Hailey molded her body into my side then she stuck her tongue out and tasted my neck.

"Doug," I asked, hiking Hailey's small body up a little higher. "Can I get you a drink?"

"Oh yes, how about sparkling cranberry juice," Doug replied. He picked up a Kleenex and dabbed at his elongated nose.

I flashed Doug another one of my pseudo smiles.

I side packed Hailey into the kitchen with me. Sitting Hailey on a barstool at the island, I allowed my manikin's smile to slouch into a frown. I didn't mind serving Doug; I just didn't like pretending to be so stuffy. I looked at my ring knit dress, "It's lacking pearls," I thought. "I almost fit the 1950's little wife profile. Just call me June Cleaver."

I found two sparkling cranberry juices in the pantry and pulled them from the shelf. I also lifted two burgundy wine glasses from the cupboard and filled the crystal with the bubbly liquid, topping it off with ice cubes.

"I want some, Mommy. I want some juice," Hailey begged. I searched everywhere until I found the toddler cups. I poured a bit of the juice into a pink Dora sipper cup and handed it to Hailey.

"I don't want the Dora cup. I want my Barbie cup!" Hailey barked at me. She flung her Dora cup across the kitchen.

"Excuse me!" I was miffed at the three year old tantrum. I picked up the cup and returned it to Hailey. "I gave you the Dora cup. It is just as good as the Barbie cup." Hailey took the cup and chucked it at my head, knocking me in the cheek. It was crazy how much her little cup hurt. Hailey's attitude was atrocious. None of my children ever acted like that.

"Hailey, if you ever do that again, I will spank your bum. Now you listen here, this is your last chance. If you want juice, you'll have it in the Dora cup." I picked up the cup and once again presented it to Hailey. Hailey swat the bottom of my hand, and the cup tipped off and plummeted to the floor.

Hailey screamed, her round face turning dark red. "I want Barbie, I want Barbie, I want Barbie. Mommy, you are stupid."

I glared at Hailey, "And you are a brat." I picked up the cup and walked it to the sink. Hailey carried on louder. The noise from the kitchen echoed about the house. I could hear Doug approaching the kitchen. I preferred to appear like I had control, so I hurried to the cup drawer and removed Barbie and filled it with the juice from the Dora cup.

"Please stop crying. Here is Barbie," I said as I handed the cup to Hailey. Hailey grasped the cup in her stout hands, but her demeanor didn't change. "Hailey, if you smile, I will get you ice cream after Uncle Doug leaves." I tried to bribe Hailey into submission. Hailey bought my buyoff and painted a huge smile on her face. Just in time; Doug entered the kitchen.

"Is something wrong?" Doug asked.

I turned to him. "Yeah, Hailey was crying because she said she never wanted to go to Uncle Doug's again," I smiled, pleased with my quick comeback and even more pleased with my slam on Doug. Hailey happily drank her juice.

...

Kevin came home and ordered pizza. The four of us went to the theater room and reclined to a movie. As he ate his pizza, something must have been irritating Doug's long nose, because he kept scratching at it. He didn't know he left a smudge of pizza sauce right on the tip, the sauce looking like a zit. I couldn't suppress my snickering every time I looked at him.

During the movie, I bundled Hailey's cherubim body tightly in a blanket and cuddled with her. She fell asleep at the beginning and spent the rest of the movie snoring lightly in my arms. Sometimes, while I held her, I would close my eyes and pretend I was holding Ben or Lil' Dee. I enjoyed the comfort my illusion brought.

When the movie ended, we lingered in silence. Finally, Kevin shut the night down.

"Hey sweetheart, let me put Hailey to bed," he whispered, trying not to wake her. I looked over at Doug whom was currently picking popcorn out of his white teeth. I did not wish to be left alone with him.

"Thanks," I whispered back. "But I've got her." Kevin pulled me and Hailey out of the recliner. I inhaled his sweet cologne, very much liking his new smell, it was much better than the pungent odor of our other life together. Our clothing rustled as I stood up, thankfully Hailey stayed asleep. I continued to cradle Hailey in my arms as I carried her to the bedroom. She looked so peaceful sleeping.

Leaving the blanket on her, I gently laid Hailey into the white crib. I actually noticed what a cute girl Hailey was. Would I ever develop loving feelings for her? As I straightened away from the crib, I glanced about the nursery. I found the décor astounding. The room was designed in an ocean theme, as if to catch the waves outside and bring them into the nursery.

I had longingly dreamed of a themed nursery for my babies. I never even had the chance. When my kids were young, they were crammed in the second bedroom of our trailer home. Not only did the second bedroom serve as the nursery, it was also the office, and storage room. It had been extremely cramped. There was no money or room to decorate.

When I was done exploring, I slowly strolled back to the theater room, scrutinizing every detail of the hallway. I liked the pictures lining the walls. I recognized the artist's name; Andrew Siaw, from Malaysia. He was a contemporary Asian artist that painted in watercolor, soft pastel, acrylic, mixed media, oil, Chinese ink painting, and calligraphy. There in front of me were three of his originals, mounted and showcased on my wall; they were: _Safe Landing Ducks, Sarawak Cannibal Pitcher Plant, and Hwangshan._ I had always been mesmerized by his harmonious style. I used to carry some of his postcards in my purse. But now I owned three originals! I liked how it felt to be rich.

As I was studying my treasured canvases, I noticed the hallway smelt of lilac emanating from the Glade Plug-Ins. What a fresh spring-like smell. As I lingered in front of a _Hwangshan,_ I could hear Doug's and Kevin's hushed voices float to my ear. Listening to their muffled tone, I could tell they were talking about me. I inched my way closer to the theater room's open door. I attempted to be as quiet as I could be, because I wanted to hear what crap they were saying about the "kooky wench" that I had become.

I got as close to the door as I dared. I could hear Kevin with his tenor voice, and he was actually defending me. "...and all that I read said that she will come out of this, we just have to give her time."

"And what if she doesn't?" Doug challenged.

"I married her for sickness and health. I am not going to walk out on her because she doesn't remember our past."

"Nor her own daughter!" Doug interjected.

"You saw her tonight. She was doing great. She held Hailey during the movie. Tonight felt like nothing had happened, life felt normal. How can she deny her bond with Hailey when they snuggled like that? Hailey is so cute that even a complete stranger would fall in love with her. Stacey adores Hailey and it won't take long for her to remember that. Give her time, she is coming around. We have a wonderful marriage, a wonderful..."

"Had," Doug interrupted.

"We HAVE a wonderful marriage, a wonderful daughter, a wonderful home, wonderful careers, and a wonderful supporting brother."

"Don't get me wrong, Kevin, I love her. I just think this whole amnesia bit is an act. No one goes to the fair and spontaneously forgets their whole life. You know what I think? I think she ran into an old lover, and she is trying to get out of this marriage."

"Oh Doug, stop it!" Kevin's voice elevated. "She wouldn't invent that story. You didn't see her at the fair, she was hysterical. This is real to her..."

"What are you going to do when you come home from work and find she has locked Hailey in her room all day?"

"Doug," Kevin's voice deepened as he warned him, "I am no longer having this conversation with you. You have overstepped your bounds. I do believe that it is time for you to be going home."

The room became silent. After several minutes of silence, Doug piped up. "You know Mandy Hershberger invited me over for dinner. Do you think I should go?"

"What?" Kevin agitatedly asked

"Mandy Hershberger invited me for dinner. I am just not sure I should go. You know what she did last time I was over there? I had resigned myself to the idea I would never..."

I walked away from the theater room. I was really proud of Kevin. He had stuck up for me and that helped me love him even more. Suddenly, I felt more secure than I had. I paused at the nursery and gazed in again at Hailey. Wiping a tear from my eye, I headed to my bedroom.

### CHAPTER 17

In the morning, I woke to Hailey's crying blasting through the monitor. I turned to Kevin, but he was already out of bed. It was 7:15 am, not incredibly early, but early enough. Sleepily, I went to Hailey's room. In there, Hailey stood in the crib with a mixture of snot and tears smeared around her face. Her hair was matted from a good night of sleep. When I walked into the room, Hailey reached her pudgy arms high, bidding me to rescue her. I lifted her out of the crib, holding her close. I was momentarily stunned when Hailey's morning smell hit my nose. Little Hailey smelt just like Lil' Dee did in the mornings. Even though the smell was bad, I couldn't stop inhaling it deeply. How it made me feel like I was holding Lil' Dee. My body was overcome with powerful feelings, the way only smell memories can be triggered. I stood there smelling while my eyes stung from tears. Hailey didn't mind the long cuddle. Finally, the feelings became too intense for me, and I promptly dropped Hailey in the swivel glider. Instantly, I found myself becoming annoyed. I didn't desire to baby sit Hailey. I longed for my own kids. If I couldn't have them, I didn't wish to raise another in their place. I didn't have the stamina to create a relationship with Hailey, and I preferred to be left alone. Did I really have to spend my days watching her?

To divert my negative thoughts, I went over to the closet and investigated Hailey's things. I found a cute white and yellow flowered tunic. The price tag was still attached, $69.00. I could hardly fathom I would spend sixty nine dollars on a toddlers outfit. All it would take was one day to soil the thing. Clicking my tongue, I carried the outfit over to Hailey.

"Here you go, sweetie, here is a cute outfit. Let's get you dressed for the day." I tried to use the most sugary sweet voice I could muster. Hailey took the outfit and unexpectedly cast it on the floor.

"I hate that one! I hate it." Hailey sprung off the rocker and ran over to my window seat. She lifted the lid back and reached inside. Squeezing a stuffed rabbit, she brought it close to her body. I picked the outfit off the floor, then straightened out the wrinkles Hailey had already added to it. As I did, Hailey threw her rabbit on the floor.

"Fine, what will you wear?" I questioned, striving to remain cool. Hailey ignored me and lugged more toys out.

"You can play with me, if you want," Hailey said so prettily. I glanced at her with her ever growing collection of toys.

"I don't want to play right now; it's too early in the morning. Right now it is time to get dressed and have breakfast. We can play later." I went to the closet and hung the adorable outfit back up. I found a floral dress. I read the tag, pure silk.

"Pure silk! Who in their right mind dresses a toddler in pure silk?" The dress had a matching light pink bloomer with a tulle ruffle along the hem. "Dry clean only". I was flabbergasted at Hailey's wardrobe. Both of her clothes were high maintenance. A whole handful of clothes still had the tags on them. Who bought such expensive outfits then never used them? I had never even bought myself that type of delicate clothing. It's funny how people change when they have money. I carried the silk bloomer set over to Hailey.

"How about this one? It will make you feel like a princess." Hailey didn't even glance up, for she was too busy lining her toys in a straight line.

"Hailey, I am talking to you. You need to look at Mommy when I am talking to you." Hailey glanced up momentarily, her cheeks were rosy and her color was bright. "How about wearing this cute silky outfit? It will feel so cozy on your skin."

"No wanna get dressed. Wanna stay in jammies all day." Hailey said, taking the outfit and shoving it into the window seat. I felt myself tensing up inside. I was about to pick up Hailey and force her to get dressed, but then changed my mind. I figured I didn't care if Hailey got dressed. Hailey could stay in her pajamas all day, what did it matter? My stomach growled, and I recognized how hungry I was. I left Hailey to her toys while I went and made breakfast.

As I ventured into my fantasy kitchen, my spirit lifted. Soaking in the room's positive energy, I committed myself not to let Hailey get to me. Searching the cupboards, I found Chamomile tea. I also found a canister of oatmeal. I prepared oats for breakfast. As the tea and oats cooked, I noticed a single rose. The rose was attached to a note left by Kevin. He told me he loved me and he had left for work. He would be back at 10pm.

10pm! There was no way I could be left alone with Hailey for fourteen hours! As the oats cooked, I picked up a newspaper. Hailey walked into the kitchen.

"I'm hungry!"

I looked up from my paper. "Great," I thought, "there goes my serenity."

"Would you like banana oatmeal? There are raisins in it, yum yum," I sang out.

"I hate oatmeal, I want licious cereal," Hailey demanded.

"You want what?"

"Licious cereal," Hailey repeated.

"I don't know what you mean by 'licious' cereal."

"Yes you do, the one with mellows in it."

"Oh, you probably mean delicious cereal." I went into the pantry and grabbed a box of sugary cereal. I returned and presented it to Hailey.

"Will this do, your highness?" I mockingly asked.

"Yay, licouis cereal, licouis cereal!" Hailey chanted in excitement. I poured a bowl of cereal and placed it on the island then bent over and put Hailey on the barstool. Immediately, Hailey picked out the marshmallows and with her chunky fingers, shoved them into her mouth.

I grabbed my oatmeal off the stove and prepared it and sat next to Hailey. All her marshmallows were gone while the rest of her cereal got soggy in the bowl.

"More cereal," she demanded.

"What do you mean more? Your bowl is still full of cereal."

"I want more mellows."

"I am not giving you more until you eat all of your cereal."

"I want more mellows," Hailey demanded again.

"Listen, Hailey, I am not going to fight with you. You can have more cereal when you eat ALL of your cereal!"

"MORE MELLOWS!" Hailey yelled. I couldn't stand the wailing. In anger I grabbed Hailey's cereal bowl and tossed it into the sink where milk and soggy cereal splashed against the inside of the sink.

"I am not giving you more MARSHMELLOWS," I barked back. I had been a real patient mother to my kids. However, I found no patience for Hailey. Probably because I had no connection to Hailey May. Hailey reminded me my children were stolen from me. I felt ripped off to have them replaced by a spoiled child. Resentfully, I sat back at the island and resumed eating my oatmeal. Hailey screamed and bawled even louder. I decided I would ignore her. When Hailey determined her fit was not generating any more attention, she decided to try something different.

"Can I have a bite?" she asked as she slowed her crying.

I didn't glance up. "I thought you DIDN'T like oatmeal," I said coolly.

"I will like yours," Hailey said, trying to act cute. I ignored her, still mad from the cereal fight. "I bet you would like me to like yours," Hailey replied.

"Okay. One bite," I gave her a bite.

"Mmm. I love it. Can I have another bite?" Hailey asked.

I shoved another spoonful into her mouth. "That's yummy," she said in her innocent voice. "I want more." She stole my spoon and proceeded to finish my oatmeal. I let her, because I was done fighting with her.

Hailey created a huge mess with the sticky food. She had it all over the island, all over the floor, and all over herself. I was so done watching everything become plastered in a gummy mess, so I tried to take the bowl back.

"I'm still eating!" Hailey wailed.

"No, you are making a mess."

"Stupid Mommy," Hailey shouted.

I had never spanked my other kids, but I was sure tempted to do so now. I turned my back from the child and carried the bowl to the sink to wash it while I sung a hymn to calm my agitation. When I had simmered, I turned back to the tyrant Hailey.

Using my sugar coated voice again, I said," Come on pumpkin, let's go take a bath."

"Baths are stupid," Hailey said. Exasperated, I chose not to battle the bath. Who cared if Hailey was dirty and gross? I didn't

"You either hate everything or think everything is stupid. It goes to show you rich kids are spoiled. I did a real bang up job raising you," I said to Hailey. We walked to the nursery. Hailey managed to touch everything she could on the way, leaving a trail of sloppy fingerprints.

"You can play with me if you want," Hailey called out in an angelic voice as she held up a pony for me to play with.

I ignored the toy. "Fine, if you don't bathe, I don't care. You can stink and be sticky all day. How about we at least change your clothes? I will even let you pick the outfit." The pajamas were soaked in milk and oatmill.

"I no wanna get dressed, I want my jammies," Hailey insisted.

Worn out already, I plopped next to Hailey, "Whatever. I don't care. Do what you want, you little brat. I guess you are used to getting your way."

"I not a brat," Hailey interjected. Her thick lower lip puckered out.

I felt a little bad for calling a three year old a brat. Repentantly, I received the offered pony from her and played with it. I had spent many years playing toys with my other kids, therefore I knew how to fantasize in a way kids really responded to. I gave in and imagined with Hailey.

It was a little calming to be making her happy and not fighting with her. We played for over an hour. A friendly peace filled the nursery. After a while, my back hurt from slouching on the floor. Finally, I couldn't handle it anymore. I spotted the bookcase in the nursery and went over to it. I collected a handful of books and plopped in the window seat.

"Come get a story, Hailey."

Hailey's head jerked up. Her attention on me. After a huge pile of stories were read, I invited Hailey to get dressed. Not interested, she stuck her tongue out and ran out of the room. Irate, I looked up and observed the sea shell clock. It was a little past ten am. The time was lagging slower than molasses drips. I gathered the books and arranged them back on the self. I could hardly stand the idea I still had twelve hours until Kevin came home.

I decided I needed to step outside. Maybe exploring my yard would accelerate the time. I called Hailey over, and she happily joined me for the anticipated adventure.

Back in the nursery, toys laid everywhere. It had taken Hailey no time to scatter them around.

I grabbed a towel out of her bathroom and cleaned her feet off while she played with her toys. Afterwards, I was too tired to entertain Hailey anymore. It was time to turn on the electric babysitter. I carried Hailey into the theater room and turned on a child's movie. Realizing I was still in pajamas, I went to the master bedroom to change. Watching Hailey pooped me out. Before I did, I lay back on the bed, sinking into its pillow top. It felt so good to take a moment to myself. I tried to stay awake, but the day had worn me out. I figured I could take a quick powernap since Hailey's movie still had at least an hour until it finished. I allowed myself to fall asleep.

### CHAPTER 18

As the seagulls squawked overhead, I felt lighthearted to be outside again. My stress and worries seemed to be gone. I felt peace and renewed energy. I could manage my new life. The temperature was cooling and it wouldn't be long before winter would frost the air. I hoped to enjoy as many warm days as I could. Noticing a giant pink conch shell, I seized it. It had a bit of a bulk to it. Using two hands, I guided the knobby treasure to my ear. I could hear the ocean inside! I looked over at Hailey who had a massive collection of shells: a metallic abalone shell, several spirale strawberry strombuses, one spiky murex ramosus shell, and two wrap around shinbone tibia. I was surprised I could still remember all the shell's names from high school. Hailey's collection was coming along nicely. Each shell she found deepened her elation. She danced with each new treasure and squealed in delight. The weight of the world was removed from my shoulders as I watched her, while her childlike enthusiasm was positively catchy. I found myself equally thrilled with Hailey's discoveries. I seemed to have much more patience for her. I was glad I decided to bring her outside.

A flock of noisy seagulls flew overhead again. Instinctively, I covered my head. I had been the victim before of seagull poop splatters. I didn't trust the flying waste droppers. Hailey strained her chunky arms up to catch the milky white wonders. She snickered as the birds flew circles over her, stretching out her arms and pretending to be one.

I smiled to the joy Hailey was experiencing. The beach was a magical place to be. It brightened any sour mood. I was fortunate to have a home along the coast's border. The majestic waves crashed against the boulders lining the water's edge. Foamy white spray ricocheted off the rocks. With the respite of nature's splendors, I began to let myself feel peace.

Turning from Hailey, I suddenly became in-tuned to guitar strumming somewhere on the beach. Attempting to pinpoint the melody, I noticed the music was coming closer to me. Searching the beach with my eyes, I wanted to locate the source of the music. From a distance, a figure glided its way toward us. I brushed the sand off my bottom and shifted my weight onto my left leg, squinting to see the guitar better. I noticed a lady singing and playing as she seemed to glide toward us. Her movements effortlessly drifted her across the beach with her flowing black hair catching in the breeze and floating around her face, the hair coming across as mystical the way the wind wisped it. The woman wore an elegant sheer dress hovering and dancing round her, like it was maneuvered by wind or magic. In her hands, she carried a pitch black guitar. A sticker of a skeleton was on front of the Brazilian Rosewood. The woman continued singing as she approached me. Her voice sounded appealing, and I had the odd sensation I had heard the music before. I took note to the snake tattoos on the stranger, the tattoos were animated as the snakes moved and slithered up her arms. I felt apprehensive about the woman's appearance and the moving snakes.

The stranger had a honey colored complexion. Unexpectedly, the tides switched and angrily crashed into the rocks. Simultaneously, the lady's complexion turned ashy grey. Her red lips dripped huge drops of crimson blood which rolled down her chin. Her magenta tongue darted out of her mouth as she lapped up the blood. It was all creepy. It even became more eerie when the lady's tongue split at the end, forked like a snake's tongue. My stomach wrenched in knots, the strangeness of the player made me uneasy.

"Asp!" I shouted out.

Recognition hit me hard in the gut. The moment I said her name, my extremities became solid as stone. I had waited so long to meet with Asp again. Now Asp was there, fear subdued me, and I lost control of my muscles. I couldn't move. What was going on? I couldn't lose strength now. I had to seize the moment and rectify my original deal. How I longed to leap forward and strangle the devil lady. The lady was the one who created my hell. She was the one who kept my kids captured. She was the one who left me without memories of my new life. It was all her doing. Now, with my fixed body, there was nothing I could do to release my imprisonment. Asp continued playing her guitar. Her voice was not as alluring as it was at the fair; in fact, it had turned rather shrill. The pitch kept getting higher and more piercing until I felt my eardrums were going to pop. I had to stop her singing. Maybe I could tackle her. I needed to get Lucifer's wife to return my children and undo my prison. I struggled and pushed with all my might until I broke free of my paralysis. I lunged for Asp, grasping for her throat as my hands contacted her cold, clammy neck. Asp dissipated into thin air and reappeared behind me.

"You viper, return my children to me!" I screamed. My voice had returned. I again tried to attack Asp, but it was in vain. She kept herself cleverly out of reach.

"And lose all this?" Asp questioned as she motioned toward my house on the hill and to Hailey.

"I don't care about any of that," I yelled. "I want my babies back."

"You could have had it all," Asp said.

The wind picked up around Asp, sand blowing everywhere. Lightning and thunder shook the beach. I could feel my arm hair become erect. As Asp stood there, my clothing rippled upward. The wind lifted my dress high above my waist. Suddenly, from beneath her dress Ben and Lil' Dee materialized. Their faces were twisted in fear. They acted so confused and frightened. They stood huddled together. A flash of elation surged in me. There where my children! Immediately, I hurled myself toward them. My heart leapt at the exhilaration I felt seeing them alive.

Bewitchingly, Asp transfigured into a giant Cobra as I approached. Its thick massive body tore through her clothing. Giant drops of liquid glimmered over its surface. Its tongue vibrated in and out of its mouth. Hastily, I enclosed myself on top of Lil' Dee and Ben. Thankfully, I had reached them before the cobra did. I had never experienced something so ominous and frightening before. Among the dark magic, the children howled in utter terror, their faces whitening and their body's shaking. I felt just as afraid, but I had to stay composed so we could escape from Asp. With one arm securing my children, I bent and picked up my conch shell. Violently, I chucked the shell at the cobra's head with no success. Unexpectedly, the snake stretched open its behemoth mouth and swallowed the shell.

Frightfully, my eyes combed the beach until I found an enormous piece of drift wood within arm's reach. I stretched out and picked it up, running full speed at the cobra. With all my might, I smashed the wood into the cobra's side. Splinters shoot off in several directions. During the battle, my kids clung to each other as they took a few steps back and watched their mom go against the beast. They didn't dare be too far from me. The cobra reacted to the wood by wrappings its jaws around the end of the log. When the snake sunk it's fangs into the wood, it created a tight anchor hold. Coiling its neck back, it yanked the weapon out of my hands. Slivers embedded into my skin; although they stung, I could barely register the agony, because I was too terrorized. I didn't know what I would do for protection. I glanced back to check on my kids. At that instance, the snake shot past me and lurched toward the children. It encircled its thick body about Ben and Lil' Dee.

Screaming violently, I ran toward my kids. My throat felt raw from the intensity of my screaming. When I reached the snake, I extended my hand past its huge body and captured Ben's hand. The soft touch of Ben gave me an electric surge of energy. My son was in my fingers. Vigor over took the fear I felt. I tried to yank Ben away. Without releasing the kids, the cobra swung its head forward and came directly at me. Two fangs pierced deeply in my hand. The prick shot in my body seizing every one of my nerves. Catapulting backwards, I landed on my back. Burning and agony from the venom overtook me. I couldn't help withering all over the sand as the toxin conquered my body. The excruciating pain seeped into every tissue of flesh. Little grains of sand embedded into my eyes and skin as I rolled across the beach. The children cried in horror. Their mother had been bit by the snake. Were they next?

During the whole calamity, Hailey May had been silently watching the horrifying events. Unaffected and in her childlike innocence, she dropped her shells and walked up to the cobra. Curiosity had dominated any sense of reason she may have had. As I saw the toddler reach the snake, I tried to scream to stop her, but I found I couldn't talk, the venom had turned my tongue into a colossal thick mass. I had to stop Hailey before the barbarian noticed me. Fighting my week muscles, I found no success, they had turned into sludge; useless. There was nothing I could do but watch. Hailey fearlessly went and stood right under the cobra. The snake opened its monstrous mouth and wrapped it over the young girl's head. In one leviathan swallow, Hailey May was consumed.

Satisfied at the trade, the cobra uncoiled it's clutches from Ben and Deidre. Turning, it approached me and stood face to face with me. I could feel the hot air as the snake breathed directly on me. Its breath smelt like rotting flesh. The smell was revolting. As I stiffly lay there, we became locked in a stare. The snake hissed and slid around my body. It constricted upon me, squeezing me into a death grip. That was it, I was going to die. Despair gloomed over me. Then, suddenly and entirely unforeseen, the snake turned and slithered into the ocean.

"Mommy!" the two petrified children called as they ran to my side. They dropped down to me and held me tight. I felt relieved to see the snake had dissipated. I had my children back and now life could move on. With an electrifying surge, I forced my arm up and seized Ben's hand.

My boy," I cried through my thick tongue.

"It ate her!" Doug hollered, his voice sounding raspy. Doug had been making his way down to the beach from the house. He had arrived in time to watch Hailey May become swallowed up.

"It swallowed her whole," Doug screeched in panic. "Where did Hailey go? Did the snake really just eat my niece?" Doug was horrified; his brown eyes looked like they were going to explode out of their sockets. His body shook and he yelled every word.

Nodding, I felt really bad. I could scarcely conceive what had just transpired. I was saddened to have Hailey May eaten by the cobra. Also, I could feel my heart throb as the poison coursed my body. I had suspected the price of my children's return might involve Hailey. I hoped it wouldn't be that way, but Hailey wasn't real. My children were real, and I was so happy to have them back. Ben and Lil' Dee were showering me in kisses. Oh how I wanted to feel the wetness of their lips, but couldn't among the discomfort that overtook my body. The price was worth it this time. I would die on the beach and my children would live.

"Stacey," Doug shrilled again. "Where is my niece? Where is Hailey?" Doug had almost reached me.

I could recognize the panic in Doug. Heartlessly, I felt unsympathetic toward his anguish. I had spent the last couple of weeks in an unimaginable hell. It was about time someone else shared my affliction. Now, everyone would know I was not crazy. Others would feel the torment I had known hourly. Being with my kids again was miraculous. I maliciously enjoyed my heart mending while Doug's broke. I gazed at my radiant children and was overcome with love to have them back. As I caressed their faces, I felt so peaceful.

In the background Doug was screaming at me. Where is my niece? Where is she? Stacey, snap out of it, wake up. Did a snake really just devour her? Stacey, WAKE UP!"

I ignored him, for I wanted to focus on my sweet reunion. Who cared about Doug's pain?

Suddenly the heavens banged out with thunder. The skies turned black as coal. The winds picked up and the cold rains pelted my head. I could hear Doug screaming as a giant wave loomed toward us. The ocean collected into a gargantuan sized tsunami as it towered over everyone on the beach. With immeasurable strength, it beat upon me and the children. The water was frigid and shocking. The briskness woke me up.

I found myself lying in my bed, still in my pajamas. I gazed about. I was in my master bedroom soaking wet on my bed. I pondered if it all had been a dream, for my head was still cloudy and my cognitive thinking wasn't aligned yet. I sat up and searched for Ben and Lil' Dee. Panic set in, where were they? Instead of my kids, I noticed Doug standing over me with an empty liquid pitcher. My head spun in circles while my brain ached and throbbed. I couldn't figure out what was going on.

"Do you know where Hailey is?" Doug demanded.

I wondered if that was a trick question. My orientation was still jumbled and confused. I wasn't sure what reality was yet. Had Hailey May been eaten by a snake, or was I waking from a dream? I stupidly stared at Doug. I needed to clear my mind. I did not have an answer for him.

"So this is how you watch my niece, by staying in bed all day. Do you even know where Hailey is?"

I peered over at the alarm clock. The large, neon red digits displayed 1:22pm. The fog cleared from my head. I had come in to change, and I must have fallen asleep. Hailey, Hailey, where was Hailey? I had to pause for a moment. That's right; I left her watching a movie.

"She is in the theater room watching a movie," I said.

My heart dropped. If Hailey was still here, then my children weren't. Mere seconds ago, I was holding my lost babies, and it had felt so real. Now, reality had returned, and I was forced back into a life without them.

Sitting up, I grabbed my blanket and wiped the chilly water off me. My hair, clothes, and bedding were drenched. I shivered as the air penetrated the wetness. How nervy of Doug to welcome himself into my home. How dare he check up on me? Even worse, what right did he have to throw water on me as I slept in my own bed, in my own house?

"Hailey is watching a movie. I turned it on for her. I have not been sleeping all day. It so happens I came in here to get ready when I fell asleep for a moment," I replied defensively.

"A moment my eye, I have been here for at least a half an hour. I am not sure you have even got out of bed today."

"Doug," I rebutted. "I know this doesn't look good, however, I will have you know I have been up since 7:00am. Hailey and I played toys, we read books, we had breakfast, we played outside, we caught butterflies, and we collected flowers and berries. I know it appears like I have been in bed all day, but I really don't have to justify myself to my intrusive husband's brother, now do I?"

"If you have had so many adventures today, why haven't you taken the time to dress Hailey? I found her in the theater room still in her pajamas with her hair matted undone. Even worse than that, she soiled everything."

I was embarrassed. I didn't know what to say. Doug was right, it all reflected poorly on me.

"Doug, I really don't have to explain to you why I took a quick cat nap. The world's best mom still takes naps. I do feel really bad Hailey soiled herself. She must have done that during the movie. About her pajamas, she is three and refused to change. I had two choices with Hailey. I could have beaten the living snot out of her for disobeying me. Since I don't believe in violence, I took the second option. I let her have a few choices and dictate when she would get dressed. Since we have no plans today, there is no harm in me nor her staying in our pajamas all day. I for one..."

Doug interjected, "You could have at least taught her a little personal hygiene, like brushing her hair, brushing her teeth, and using the toilet."

I was cool towards Doug's boldness. "Doug, why did you come here today, was it to check up on me? Like it or not, I am an adult and Hailey is my child. I can raise her however I feel, even if that includes keeping her in pajamas all day."

"I'll have you know, I most certainly did not come here to check up on you. I would never dream of being that type of person. My boss didn't have any appointments after lunch. I wanted to come spend the afternoon with you and help you put up your Halloween decorations."

Using an opposite angle, Doug softened his tone, "Listen, I think it is pretty important for Hailey to have the decorations up. Things have been intense for her and any semblance of a normal life would be therapeutic for her little soul. Hailey needs to get back to her routine; back to what she is used to."

Doug used manipulation in his fights. Did he not realize Hailey was only three? She didn't even remember what Halloween was. Hailey wasn't expecting decorations, how could she? Using Hailey, was real coy. I glanced at the clock 1:29 pm. Time was creeping slower than a snail stuck in tar. I didn't wish to spend the day with Doug, but if I let him stay, maybe he would entertain Hailey. I was done babysitting. I didn't want eight and a half more hours trying to appease the manor's little princes. I considered since time was slowly progressing forward, I would accept his help, despite the fact I couldn't stand him.

Biting my tongue, I said, "Doug, you are right. We should work with each other and put the Halloween decorations up for Hailey. It would mean so much to her." I flashed Doug a hefty smile, suggesting we were great friends.

Doug's demeanor shifted, for he really liked to be right. He grabbed my hand and yanked me out of bed.

"Why don't you get dressed and meet us in the kitchen?" Doug suggested. Never once did he apologize for dumping a pitcher of water on me in my own bed.

### CHAPTER 19

Embarrassed, I entered the kitchen. I didn't like the fact I was getting ready for the day at almost 2:00pm. There, at the island, Hailey sat dressed in a cute red and white striped dress. Her hair was even gathered back in two pigtails. Adorning her outfit were two massive red bows with dangling white ribbons wrapped around her ponytails. She looked cute, fresh, and clean. Wasn't Doug just a masculine form of Martha Stewart? As the youngster tried to finish her tuna fish sandwich, she picked at the meat, eating a little bread and leaving all of the crust. There were small chip crumbs littering the rest of Hailey's plate, lap, and floor. My stomach gurgled. I felt very hungry. I had gotten so little of my banana oatmeal at breakfast. I needed to have time to eat lunch. For the moment, Doug was rummaging among the Halloween decorations he had hauled out of storage. He had no problem making himself at home.

I tried to give Doug a few suggestions where I wanted things, but he had different ideas. He proceeded to decorate my entire house while ignoring everything I said. He sure liked control.

After the home was overly decorated, we retired to the parlor with peppermint hot chocolate. Somehow, magically our problems had disappeared. It felt pleasing to relax without any strain among us. As I sprawled out on the davenport, I guided the Snoopy mug to my mouth. The steam dampened my face as I smelt the peppermint. The scorching beverage singed my tongue. Wishing I had sipped it instead of gulped it; I sucked on my tongue for relief. Just then, the antique brass cradle telephone rang. I picked it up, surprised it still worked, for I had thought it was purely for show.

"Oh Stacey, it's so welcome to hear your voice. This is Dr. Troy. How are things going?"

"Good." I said hesitantly. Feeling I must defend myself, I said. "Listen, I know I haven't stuck to the treatment plan. I haven't attended any counseling yet. I will though, please don't worry about it, I will."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Stace. I don't need to know the details of your breakdown. We were calling to find out when you are coming back."

"I don't plan on coming back," I abruptly interjected. I had no plans on ever returning to Samaritan Mental Health.

"What are you saying? Are you quitting?"

"I am not quitting treatment. I promise, I will stick to the treatment plan. I am just never coming back to the center."

The man on the other end laughed hysterically. It took him a few minutes to regain his composure. "Did you think I was a doctor from the crazy house? Silly girl, it's me, Dr. Troy." I had no idea who Dr. Troy was. "Listen, all of your projects are falling apart. We can't run these projects without you anymore. I know we promised Kevin to give you another month, but Stace, we need you."

I paused in silence. What was the guy talking about? What projects did I have? After several minutes of silence, Dr. Troy started in again.

"Stace, don't feel bad, Grace is behind me telling me to go easy on you. Oh, yeah, and she is telling me to say 'hi' for her. Oh, so are Bruce and Janice. Everyone says hi, everyone misses you. Okay, this is my attempt to be gentler. Stace, will you please come in to work tomorrow?"

My heart raced in excitement. I had recalled Kevin mentioning I had a career. This must be my work calling me in. I had incessantly dreamed of being a marine biologist. Now I was. The idea was too astonishing to be real. There were times in my past where I felt I would have traded everything to have been able to finish school. Sadly, in a way, I had. My old life was finished, and now I had a degree and a career under my belt. Was it worth it- doubtful?

I contemplated the idea of going to work. I thought about my first day home with Hailey. It had been the longest day of my life. It felt even slower than my days at the mental institution. Of course, some of those days I had been pretty drugged up. I realized perhaps it was premature to go to work; however, I couldn't concoct a better alternative. Holding a career meant I didn't have to be Hailey's babysitter. So, against logic, I naively accepted the invitation to return.

"I will be there. You can count on me," I sung. After my conversation ended, I hung up the phone and settled back into the floral davenport. Maybe things were more splendid than I had been allowing myself to notice. This was real. I was a marine biologist!

That night, I tossed and turned in my lonely king size bed. My electrical system was full of spark, and it wouldn't shut off. I intensely anticipated starting my career. I felt thrilled to be a marine biologist. I had spent most of my childhood pretending I controlled the ocean and all the life in it. My childhood baths would last hours as I would hold my breath under the bubbly water. I would dissect any living insect I could, for I naturally found myself drawn to science. As a young girl, my room had been decorated in ocean décor. I had an endless elation for the ocean. In my youth, I read hordes of books about ocean life. After the conception of Ben, I believed my dreams were like a sunken ship, lost. Now, I could scarcely conceive the next day, I was going to go and do real, viable research.

As I lay in bed, I yearned to have Kevin come home soon. It was 9:47 pm; it had been a profoundly boring day. I felt glad I didn't have to do another day like that again. No more house wife for me. I had forever abhorred filling out applications and forms that asked my profession: "Housewife", "Domestic engineer", "Maid", "Slave", and any other un-glorified title I could conceive. Now I would be putting "Marine Biologist" on every form I signed. I loved I was educated and would be respected in the scientific community.

Doug decided he would spend the night. I wished he didn't make himself at home with us. He had a room next to Hailey's, and the room was full of his things. I wanted to donate it all to charity.

As I came out of my sleep, I could hear Doug and Kevin talking. I looked at the alarm clock, 3am.

"Awfully late to be getting in," Doug said.

I had tiptoed to the hall where I could hear them.

"Wow, you're not my mother," Kevin's voice went high as he replied.

"But I am here taking care of your home while you are gone, so I say that gives me room to question you, and don't forget, I was born first."

"What, by two minutes."

"Still first."

There was a pause of silence.

"How's things going with the wife?" Doug asked.

"I don't want to talk about it, it's late."

"That bad," Doug responded.

"I didn't say anything bad. I am tired."

"You should be. Why are you coming home so late? If you were my husband, I would kill you for strolling in at this hour."

"You are too ugly for me to marry."

"Ugly? I look identical to you."

"Oh no. You might be the oldest, but I am the handsomest. Why do you think Stacey picked me and not you?"

"You are changing the subject, why are you home so late?'

There was more silence.

"Kevin, please tell me you weren't where I think you were."

Silence

"Kevin! Your wife needs you. You should have been home instead of going to their houses."

"I know she needs me, but so does Ariel."

"Brother, why do you bother with her? Let Ariel figure things out on her own. Does Stacey even remember them? Since her amnesia bit, your involvement with Ariel, and... what's the other's name?"

"Stephanie."

"Yeah, Stephanie. If Stacey can't remember them, you will have a whole lot of explaining to do. At this delicate time in her life, I just don't think Stacey will approve."

"That is why you are never going to tell her. I am not going to stop doing what I do. Stacey knew about it before. It is important. I know you would never understand, and at this moment, I doubt Stacey would, so you will never tell her."

"Get to bed," Doug growled.

I hurriedly ran back to the bed and jumped in, having barely enough time to pull the covers around me when Kevin walked in. I pretended I was asleep. Another wrinkle had been added to the mystery that was my new life. Who were those ladies and why did my husband want to keep them hidden from me?

### CHAPTER 20

Kevin lay next to me, picking at a scab on his protruding nose. I tried to go back to sleep, but I was too pissed by what I had heard in his conversation with Doug. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Kind of late, don't you think" I interrogated.

"Sorry, but I am not just getting in. I have been home for a while." Kevin responded. He turned to me and kissed me, his soft moist lips meeting mine.

"How was your day?" Kevin tenderly asked.

"Long," I said as I sat up. I rubbed my eyes.

"Did all go well at home?"

"No. Did you know your brother let himself into our house today? I had fallen asleep on the bed for a moment. He accused me of not watching Hailey. I am surprised he didn't call you to tell you about it."

"No, he didn't call me. He texted me five times about it."

"Ugh, Kevin, what is he doing? I don't need to be spied on."

"He's not spying on you. Do you know how much he cares for Hailey?"

"He dumped a bucket of water on me in my own bed!" I shouted. Kevin snickered, flashing his straight teeth. "Don't laugh. Your brother has a lot of gall to let himself into my home and my bedroom and then to dump water on my head. I don't have to live up to any of his standards."

"Doug has a key. He often lets himself in. He has a room. You have always been okay with it before."

"I want that key back. I am not okay with it now." I contorted my face. I didn't like the idea of Doug having instant access to every part of my life."

"Come on Stacey."

"Don't come on me. I had a terrible day. It is unrelenting to appease your spoiled little princess."

"Who's spoiled, my brother?" Kevin asked while his brown eyes widened.

"No, I am talking about Hailey. We ended up in many little battles, Hailey and I. That girl is so stubborn, unkind, selfish, and a whole lot of other adjectives I shouldn't use on a little girl."

"Honey, she is three, what did you expect?" I could hear his voice getting edgy.

"My kids, well I mean, our kids were never spoiled and selfish."

"Get off yourself," Kevin said, his tenor voice switching to a low base.

I rolled my eyes. I wasn't itching for an argument, what I really wanted was compassion for my dull, drawn out day. I decided not to be so attacking.

"I am sorry," I said rubbing the top of his hand. "I had a miserable day. I had a lot of arguments with Hailey. I didn't particularly enjoy your brother here dictating how I must decorate my home."

"I am sorry. Thank you for trying so hard with Hailey. I know you don't remember how important she is to you. Hailey is the center of your universe. Give her time and you will remember how much you love her."

I seriously doubted that, but I nodded in compliance. My spirit brightened. "I have great news! I start back to work tomorrow."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. You mean at the Hatfield Marine Science Center?"

"Yep," I piped up.

"Oh Stacey, you are not ready for that. They promised they would give you a month to sort things out. It has only been two weeks."

"They said they can't go on without me," I proudly responded. I enjoyed the feeling of being important and needed.

"I'm sure they are right, but it's too soon. You are not ready for this yet. Who talked to you?"

"Dr. Roy."

"See, you don't even know his name. It's Dr. Troy."

"Yes, that's it." I clapped my hands and walked over to the hope chest. I picked up the Cavalli tuxedo pant suit and held it up to my body.

Kevin laughed; his laugh was high pitched, reminding me of a hyena. I felt offended by it. "Why are you making fun of me?"

"I am sorry. They would tease you mercilessly if you went to work wearing that. Worse than I am doing now."

"Well what should I wear?"

He went into the bathroom and returned with a faded cream tee shirt and khaki shorts. I twisted my mouth in disgust. "I have a master in...What is my Masters degree in?"

"Master of Arts in Interdisciplinary Studies in Natural Resource Management."

"Wow, that's a mouthful. Yea, so anyways, I have a master in resource management, and I show up like I work at 7-11?"

"You are doing field work. Do you really want to get fish guts or seal barf on your tux?" he laughed at my naivety. Maybe he was right, the suit was overkill.

"What do I do with Hailey while I work?" I inquired.

"Sea Friends Day Care, you drop her off on your way to work."

I nosedived back into bed. I bounced up and down in excitement. I couldn't wait to be a big shot. I imagined myself directing affairs at Hatfield. The image made me feel important and prominent. My aura gleamed in anticipation.

"I don't think you are ready, but perhaps your memory will spark back to life in the place you love. We can only hope."

I switched subjects. "Why did you come to bed so late?"

"I needed a little down time. I was watching that old TV show M.A.S.H. I bought all eleven seasons. I am on the third season right now."

I frowned, "What a waste of a night."

Kevin grinned, his thin lip curling up. "To you it might be, but to me it's the perfect end to a day."

I wanted to confront him on his conversation with Doug, but before we got into an argument, I wanted to learn a little more about our life, our routine.

"What time do you get up in the morning?"

"6:20."

"Don't you need more sleep?"

"I would love more sleep," Kevin replied. "But, I can't work my whole day and have absolutely no un-wind time. Movies unwind me."

"Do you always work this much?"

"I work sixty to seventy hours a week, not counting the commute."

"That's ridiculous," I shouted out. "When do we ever see each other?"

"Weekends."

I folded my arms and turned my back to Kevin. "That sounds like a crummy marriage to me."

"I have no choice. Anyways, that's how I provide you with all of this." He waved his hand back and forth.

"Then let's get a smaller house. I for one, enjoy spending time with you," I said as I kept my back turned to him. I picked at a loose string unraveling from the quilt.

"Sweetheart, be reasonable. You keep yourself so busy you seldom notice I am gone. This life style suites us."

"It might have worked for the Stacey you think I am, but it won't work for me. I need you. I would pray you needed me." I pushed out my bottom lip into a pout and turned to face Kevin. I was trying to win sympathy from him.

He climbed out of bed and walked away from me. "My career has never been a source of contention for you. We are driven workers, driven to success. Succeeding at work and lengthy hours is our way of life. Don't expect that to change."

"What do you do, anyways?" I asked.

"I am the Executive President and Chief Information Officer."

"You have that job on a master's degree?"

"No, I have a PhD in..." Kevin began to say, but was interrupted by me.

"When did you get a PhD?"

"I think I was twenty eight... Yeah, anyways you pushed hard for me to return to school. It was the best move I ever did. You are good for me, you know. You keep me going." He winked at me and returned to my side. The contention was momentarily replaced by admiration.

"What do you do, 'Mr. Executive President of...' um of, what is your title again?"

"Chief Information Officer. I am responsible for the company's assets. My position pretty much covers everything from data, telecommunications, development, and growth."

"Wow that sounds big. Do you travel a much?"

"Almost weekly."

I felt my heart drop. The gloom of loneliness crept up in me. Kevin had never left me before. Since our marriage twelve years ago, we had always spent the nights together. I couldn't imagine spending the nights alone.

"Don't worry Honey, I told them I needed a little time. I don't travel again for another week and a half."

"Where are you going?"

"Bangalore."

"Banglawhat?" I tried to spit the words out.

"Bangalore, India. We are working on a solar cell that will bring power to towns that have no electricity. It is pretty marvelous project. Can you imagine, not having electricity?"

I closed my eyes. I decided I would rather go without electricity than go without Kevin. I didn't want him to leave me. Was it even safe in India? "How long will you be there?"

He cleared his throat. I could tell he didn't want to tell me. "Two weeks."

"Two weeks!" I clamored sitting up. "Two weeks! How am I supposed to handle being without you for two weeks?"

"Let me hire you a house keeper and a nanny. You have always told me no before, but somehow I think the 'new you' would like one."

"That's a start," I said tartly.

"Okay, what else?"

"Don't go," I pleaded.

"Come on, don't do this. I have to go. I am sorry. This is our life, this is how we live. Why don't you get involved with your friends? Gemma and Takeisha would love to do something with you. Go to the club. Become immersed in your job. You'll find you are so busy with your own routine that I will only get in the way."

I pulled the covers over my head. My euphoria had departed. I didn't wish to be married to a man who regularly left me. How could I trust a man who slept in hotel rooms, or one who visited with girls named Ariel and Stephanie until 3am? Were they going with him to India? How could we have a blissful marriage if we never had time for each other? I buried myself in the blankets to escape his gaze. I loathed the new life.

Kevin put his hand under the blanket and rubbed my back. His long, thin fingers began to relax me. "You probably don't remember, but at the end of March I have to do work in Switzerland. They have need of me for four months. You and Hailey will be coming with me. Doesn't that sound fabulous? Four months in Switzerland!"

Switzerland sounded exciting to me. I had barely done any traveling in my lifetime. As a kid, my parents were poor, and Kevin and I had struggled financially as well. The idea of a foreign retreat could be enticing.

"I need to get to sleep. We can talk about this later." Kevin said.

The thought about Switzerland made me forget to ask about Ariel and Stephanie.

### CHAPTER 21

Finally, morning arrived and I found myself pulling off of SE OSU Drive and into a small parking lot where I parked my Lexus. Glancing into the mirror, I straightened my brown hair, fluffed my shirt, smelled my armpits, and sprayed on more perfume. Anticipation swelled in my gut. Getting out of my vehicle, I walked to building #951; it was the Research Support Facility. I didn't remember Hatfield being so enormous. As a child and teen, I had toured the aquarium visitor center a couple of times, but my tours never went to its other buildings. I was overwhelmed by the enormity of the Hatfield campus. As I went into the research building, my hands were shaking because I was so charged with enthusiasm. I couldn't wait to start my career. My feelings paralleled with an equal excitement I experienced on my first day of college. While I stood in the lobby of building #951, I took everything in. This is where Kevin told me to go. It all registered as foreign to me. I didn't know where to go from there. There were security guards everywhere. Heading over to one, I had planned to ask for directions. Suddenly, I heard someone call my name. I turned to spot a woman run at me with open arms. The woman enclosed me in a massive bear hug.

"Oh Stacey, it is so good to see you. I have missed you so much. I would have come to visit you, but Kevin asked for no visitors. Are you feeling better?" the woman talked a mile a minute.

"I'm doing good..." I looked at the ladies name badge, Gracie Turner. Gracie was in her mid-thirties. Her stocky body waddled as she moved. She had a petite nose lost in her chunky face.

"Well let's get going, Dr. Troy is anxious you get the ball rolling right away. We have a lot of ground to cover and not much time to bring you up to snuff." Gracie stood back and waited for me to lead the way. Stiffly I stood there, for I had no idea where to go.

"Lead the way," I encouraged Gracie.

Gracie made a funny look and walked in front of me. We went through several lengthy corridors until we reached Lab 52. Gracie waited for me to swipe my name badge so the doors would unlock. I dumbly stared at her.

"Um, aren't you going to slide your badge?" she asked.

"Oh yes, of course," I said, swiping my badge through the magnetic strip on the outside of the door. I tried not to act incompetent, but I was failing. I was glad Kevin had gathered my things for me that morning. The door buzzed and the lock released. We strolled into the lab where all the science interns looked up. Excitement buzzed the room as they clapped and cheered.

"Our leader has returned," someone sang.

"Welcome back Mrs. Caldwell!" they all called out in unison.

Overwhelmingly, I gazed about the lab. It was roughly three thousand square feet. It had ten identical stations. Each station hooked onto a white desk with seven little drawers below it. An Apple iMac MB952LL/ A 27-Inch Desktop attached to every desk. Behind each desk positioned a workable area containing all the necessary lab equipment: I recognized some of the equipment from my earlier days at college: Each station had a giant sink next to it. In the west corner of the lab stood a Scanning Electrochemical microscope. In the east corner of the lab rested a massive autoclave, and a bunch of other extremely delicate, high tech equipment which I had no idea what they were. I stole a quick glance at a couple of them. One of them said a Q-Hyb10 Hybridization Oven Incubation System. I felt totally lost on what the big equipment did. I wouldn't mind being in charge at such an elite laboratory, unfortunately, I lacked the skill to run most of it.

I looked at all the faces; they looked like they trusted me, needed me.

Fear arrested my thoughts and movements, I felt a sudden urge to turn and run. I didn't know what I had been expecting when I had shown up at Hatfield's. I had been in a few outdated labs, but none of them compared to this one. As I briefly took in the equipment, I realized most of the research was tied into the computer mainframe. I would have no idea how to access anything. I understood at that moment I didn't belong there. I needed to flee. Horror took over as I turned to Gracie to seek guidance. Before I could open my mouth, a line of interns formed next to me.

"Mrs. Caldwell, I have a culture from an embryonic rainbow trout. I have used the newborn calf serum; it is at a pH of 7.6. I am using a 100 ml of Penicillin. I am routinely adding 100 ml of streptomycin and 40 ml of nystatin. I have made virus isolations and decontaminated them with antibiotics and then the virological examinations. Now, this is where I am not sure if my findings are conclusive. To reinforce my hypothesis, I have deduced that the male brook stock could be the reservoir of infection. I decided that I should test ovarian fluid and seminal fluid from the rainbow trout. Do you think that I should isolate the kidneys, spleen, and feces?"

I blankly stared at the brilliant intern. His name badge said Thayne. There was no doubt in my mind the young redhead boy knew more about science than I did. "You what, I um... I don't know what...?" I stammered. I should have kept my mouth closed.

"Sorry," the intern said. "Mrs. Caldwell I am talking about the Infectious hematopoietic necrosis virus. I have a culture from an embryonic rainbow trout. I have used the newborn calf serum it is at a pH of 7.6. I am using a 100 ml of..."

I cut the intern off. I wasn't about to hear his whole report again, which would only further serve to remind me of my incompetence. "Why don't you show me what you have done?"

"Um, not sure why, but I guess if you want to see it, come with me," he said with his forehead tightened. I followed him to his desk. As we were walking, another intern grabbed me.

"Mrs. Caldwell, can I ask you a quick question?"

"Please don't," I thought. I nodded yes against my better judgment.

"Mrs. Caldwell, sorry, anyway, I was on the FP6-2004-Food-3-A project EPIZONE. I had isolated the Henneguya zschokki on the Oncorhynchus tshawytsha. Their director told me I needed to fill out a 36980 and document my finding. The problem is no one here understands the form. You need to show me how to fill it out."

"And you think I can?" I mocked in my mind.

"Yea," I said. "Let me help Thayne with the IH....um.... the IHNV then I will get back to you." I could feel myself heavily perspiring. I glanced over at Thayne who was anxiously standing at his station. My head felt light. I sweated and felt close to passing out. Meanwhile, more interns were bombarding me with questions. Gracie ushered everyone away from me, promising them I would get to each and every one of their questions. The lights began to wiggle and flash in my eyes, for I could feel a migraine coming on. That was the last thing to add to the confusion. I needed to hide. Why did I ever show up? What in the world possessed me to believe I could ever manage to keep up in such a precise, technical position? Maybe a day with Hailey was better than being at Hatfield.

Thayne went over his scientific steps with me. I attempted to follow along, I really did, but it was over my head.

"So, do you think I should isolate the kidneys, spleen, and feces?"

"Yes," I said turning my back to Thayne. I didn't want to give him a chance to ask any more questions. My head swayed back and forth as if I was on a ship at sea.

Thayne smiled, "I knew it!"

The other shoved the 36980 into my hand. "Give me a moment to look it over and then I will get back with you." I said as I closed my eyes, trying to contain my pounding migraine.

Both interns looked satisfied. My heart slowed a bit, for I had faked it.

Three more interns cornered me. They had a multitude of questions and experimental findings they hoped to share with me. I felt lost in all their words; however, I lucked out, for I could answer all of their questions with a yes or a no. I didn't know if I was giving them the right answer, and I didn't care. I desired to get out of the lab as speedily as I could.

One intern demanded scientific answers and demonstrations. as I was about to reveal my true ignorance, Gracie interrupted.

"I...I am sorry. We've been here longer than we should of. We really need to go over to Dock 1; Jim Rice and Kim Raum-Suryan are waiting for you."

A rush of relief flooded me. I was dying to get out of the lab. I didn't want to try and answer any more questions.

Getting in Gracie's white van, we drove over to the Dock. Once there, I saw a huge cage acting like a floating dock, being constructed with galvanized steel doors. Inside was an entangled sea lion. Dr. Steve Brown and Dr. Daniel Lewer were anesthetizing the caged beast. When we approached, I could smell the stench of the sea lion. It reminded me of rotten waste. Jim Rice greeted me with a huge warm smile. He was a man in his mid-forties with brown hair. He reminded me of a Ken Barbie Doll.

"Stacey, so good to have you back. I wanted to share my news with you in person; so thank you for coming over here."

"Tell me what?" I asked. My fear of incompetency returned.

Jim came over to me and cloaked his arm over my shoulder. "I know you were toiling to save the female lion, the one with the fishing gaff in her side. I wanted to be the one to tell you she didn't make it. I am sorry. The positive news, the upside if you could call it, was she was pregnant. We were able to save her pup and we will be sending it to the Brookfield Zoo. Kim Raum-Suryan is in the nursery with it. You really should go see Ms. Raum-Suryan; the baby lion is so cute. Kim is excited to show it to you."

Gracie grabbed my arm, "Another time, Jim. Today is Stacey's first day back. Dr. Troy would kill me if we played with the baby right now."

"I understand." Jim planted a small kiss on my cheek, "Nice to have you back." Dr. Steve Brown and Dr. Daniel Lewer glanced up and welcomed me back as well. Gracie pushed us along until we were in the van and headed over to building 953, the US Fish and Wildlife building.

"Are you sure you didn't come back too early?" Gracie quizzed.

"Why do you ask that?" I said fidgeting with my hands. I really didn't wish to discuss anything with Gracie.

"Because, at the lab you acted like you were overwhelmed. I have never seen you so unsure of yourself. You usually radiate confidence and authority."

"To tell you the truth, Grace, I am not sure I have completely recovered," I confessed.

"Do you mind if I ask what you have been through?" Gracie shyly pressed.

I squirmed in my seat. I didn't plan to share my story, no one would believe me. I didn't prefer to lose the status I somehow held.

"How much do you know?" I asked Gracie.

"Well," Gracie said as her eyes rolled upward. "No one really knows much. We were told you had had a pretty serious incident at the fair. Let's see...you had to be hospitalized, and...Um...oh yeah, you were going to need a month to recover."

"I had a concussion at the fair," I lied.

Gracie's face flashed concern. "Oh no! You are lucky you didn't die. I had a cousin who had a concussion then she slipped into a coma and died. What did you hit your head on? Did it hurt? How much time did it take for you to come out of it?" she bombarded me with multiple questions.

"No one knows what went on. They found me on the ground unconscious." I tried to use as little details as possible. If I had to repeat the story, I wanted to recall what it was I had said.

"Wow, just lying there unconscious. Did they do a crime investigation? I wonder if someone knocked you out and snagged your purse. Did you still have your purse? Or maybe someone spiked your drink with a drug to make you pass out. You know sex offenders get their prey that way."

Gracie pulled into the US Fish and Wildlife building parking lot. As we walked into the building, I felt uneasy and needed to change the subject. Gracie still was asking a dozen more questions. I didn't have answers for any of them.

I needed to divert attention away from the subject of my past. "They've changed something in here," I bluffed as we walked in the lobby.

"Ah yes," she said. She pointed to a stuffed sea otter. "That came in last week. You are good, nothing gets by you." Sure. Nothing gets by me, I thought sarcastically. I almost said it out loud, but caught myself. Instead, I merely responded, "Oh yes, that must be what it is."

Gracie led me to a silver door with a name plate, it read; Dr. Troy Ericson and Stacey Caldwell MIS". I scooted past Gracie and opened the door to my office.

### CHAPTER 22

The office space was pretty small. There were two desks and they were pushed back to back. Each desk had older computers on them. It wasn't as modern as the labs were. My desk was organized with a huge pile of papers in my inbox. There was a picture of Kevin, Hailey, and me on top. We were sitting on a dock. We looked happy. I looked over at Dr. Troy's desk. It was a mess with papers and books scattered everywhere. There were a couple of empty Styrofoam coffee cups on his desk. The office smelt musty and old. I noticed there were no windows to air out the stagnant smell. I spotted a closed closet in the back of the office. The office was austere, nothing to liven it up. As I was inventorying the office, the door closed behind us. Turning I saw a man in his mid-thirties. He had longish blond hair clasped in a ponytail draped down to his mid back. Dr. Troy was ruggedly handsome with a square face and a slightly big nose. He wore a fish tooth necklace, a hemp bracelet, and had a simple stone pierced through his left ear. His blue Hawaiian shirt had several buttons undone where several strands of chest hair had crawled out. I thought he dressed way too casual to be a doctor of important research.

He strode over to me and gave me a quick peck on the lips. He tasted of rank tobacco. I could feel my skin crawl. "Welcome back, baby doll. Boy, have we missed you. Things are starting to fall apart here. I am going to cut straight to the chase. You know me, I am practical, and I don't have time to throw you a welcome back party." I was put off by Dr. Troy's very abrasive behavior. His personality rubbed me a little wrong. I tried to be interested but was distracted by his obnoxious demeanor.

"Tomorrow, Dr. Graves and colleagues are coming up from Monterey Bay Aquarium Research Institute. They plan on taking your research back to California with them and expanding it there. I expect you will have a full presentation put together for them tomorrow. I will bring you up to date of what has transpired over these last two weeks while you were taking a sabbatical. Also, Dr. Breckinheimer will be here from the CoML as well as Dr. Cook from SCOR. They will be sitting in on the conference. When you have completed the presentation, we will have a quick lunch. Gracie, have you put an order to the catering?"

"Yes, Professor Troy."

"Great, after lunch, you will take a team on a dive where they can collect their own samples of Palsian aurua. They are extensively engrossed by your discoveries of the Palsian aurua. To date, you are the only one to have samples of this newly discovered life form. They want to add it to their census." Dr. Troy got in my face. "Stace, you have to put your best into this. Dr. Breckinheimer has secured us three million to continue researching the Palsian aurua. Dr. Cook has five hundred thousand for new L3W Diver exponent. I expect you will put it all in order and dazzle us with your presentation." Dr. Troy picked up a sheet of paper off of my desk and used it to clean between his teeth.

He dropped the wet paper in my hand and walked out of the office, still talking while Gracie and I trailed behind him. I wiped the spit on my shirt and attempted to listen. "You better not forget the sensitive time line for your journals. They are scheduled to be published at the end of the next week. I have done some editing for you; for the most part they look great. You need to include the work we did while you were absent and more details on the Chiasmodon Niger project."

Dr. Troy stopped and turned to me. "Well, I will leave you to it. You have an ever-increasing amount of work to complete in the next twenty hours. I am... no, the whole team is counting on you."

I wasn't sure what I should say. I fantasized about running away and never returning. That felt like a splendid idea. But, realizing a monumental amount of money was resting on my back, I knew I needed to give everyone a warning of my incompetence. If I abandoned them without warning, then I would be responsible for losing the program several millions of dollars. If I gave them enough notification, maybe they could adapt without me. Deciding to come clean with Dr. Troy, I chased after him. Of course, I wasn't entirely candid with him.

"Dr. Troy," I said stopping him in his tracks.

"Yes baby doll," Dr. Troy condescended. If I used to be assertive, then why did I ever allow him to call me such a degrading name as 'baby doll'?

"Well, you see, I um... Doctor I had a concussion a couple of weeks ago. I am afraid it is taking a bit of time to regain my full faculties."

He appeared annoyed, "What are you getting at, Mrs. Caldwell?"

"Well, I can't exactly remember much."

Dr. Troy seemed aggravated. I am sure he had planned on turning my projects entirely over to me. "Do what you can, get me for the rest," he said as he turned his back and walked away.

"Listen, Dr. Troy. I am sorry, but it's... Well, it's all gone." my voice crackled.

He turned and glared at me. "What is gone?" he furiously demanded.

I was silent for a moment. I was so embarrassed to inform him I had the education of a high school kid. I was humiliated to lose the status I apparently owned.

I could tell Dr. Troy was not a sensible man, and I am sure he had no time for my reluctance. "What is gone?" he commanded again, his voice slow and cold as ice.

"My memory, sir, I am sorry. I can't remember the research I used to do here."

His face flared deep red; he shook his right fist while he shoved his left index finger in his mouth and chewed on it. "You've got to be crapping on me. You can't do this. This week is big, it is monumental. Between the journal's publication and the grant money, you have to remember. Not to mention the team from Monterey Bay will be here. I tried to stall things, but the deadlines are tomorrow. You HAVE to put together the presentation! You HAVE to finish your journals! You HAVE to obtain our grant money. Stace, you can't crap out on me now!" Dr. Troy was livid. "We tried to do as much as we could without you, but we hit a wall. You knew this was all in place. Why did you have to have a break down at this moment? You must get over it!" He yelled and stomped his feet. He resembled an angry bull.

I tried to stay composed, but the tears slipped down my cheeks. I did not like letting anyone down, and I felt humiliated by my situation. "Doctor please, believe me, I wish I could remember. I lost a lot of my memory in my accident. I can't even remember my own daughter. I felt it was best to tell you now before..."

"Save your sympathetic plea for someone else. You won't receive it with me. I don't have TIME for this right now! We don't have time for this right now! You are going to jeopardize the whole project. Can you live with that weight on your shoulders? Can you be responsible for lost jobs, Mrs. Caldwell? How can you do this? How can you do this right now?" Dr. Troy was shrieking in my face. Several passersby had stopped to observe the commotion. He shoved his face nose to nose with me and screamed, "How can you do this?"

I bawled, for I could not control my embarrassment. Gracie squeezed her body between Dr. Troy and me.

"Please, Professor, she has been through a lot. Ease up, give her time."

"Give her time? GIVE HER TIME! You watch yourself Gracie; you will be the first I let go after Stace has lost us jobs!" Gracie backed away.

Dr. Troy stood in the hall for several minutes. He turned to me, he had lowered his volume. Instead, his voice came across very stern. "You either slap yourself and remember your stuff, or pack your desk." Dr. Troy turned his back from me and stomped away like a mad toddler.

Shamefully, I rushed back to my office, Gracie stayed close to my heels. As I collapsed in my swivel chair, I bawled and bawled. So many emotions were erupting. Gracie rested her plump hand on my back and rubbed it. "It will be okay. Maybe if you try hard enough you can remember. I can help remind you of important things if you think that will help."

I folded my arms on my desk and leaned my head on them. The tears poured freely everywhere. A small puddle formed. It had been the most disgraceful day of my life. I studied my desk. I wasn't attached to anything on it. Dejected, I palmed my family picture and walked out of the office. Gracie called after me, but I kept going. When I got outside, I recalled my car was parked over at building #951. I took off in an accelerated run to hide in the safety of my Lexus. Once at the car, I hopped in and drove away from a very short lived dream. My life was unweaving at a fast pace. My pseudo dream was crumbling and failing. If only I could return to the safe confident life I used to know.

### CHAPTER 23

When I got home, I called Kevin.

"Hey sweetie," he said as he answered the phone. "How are things?"

I tried to answer, but my emotions wouldn't let me.

"Hello," he said.

"I got fired." I sobbed.

"What? Fired? They can't fire you, you're the boss. I should have never let you go to work."

"I'm the boss?" I questioned.

"Yeah!" Kevin boosted, "You're top dog. Who fired you?"

"Dr. Troy," I spit out his name in disgust. "He was completely impervious to my situation; he is a nitwit, moronic, ignoramus, bigot..."

"Whoa," Kevin interrupted. "Strong words from you. I can't believe I am hearing you use those adjectives on the 'One and Only Dr. Troy'. You know how long I have waited for you to resent him?"

"I don't know," I replied dejectedly

"Forever! Ever since you hired Dr. Troy all I have heard was, "The wonderful Dr. Troy". "Dr. Troy discovered the most amazing thing today. You should have heard Dr. Troy's joke about the amoeba today. Dr. Troy, Dr. Troy, Dr. Troy!!!" I have been watching for the day when you come home with Dr. Troy tattooed on your chest."

"I hired Dr. Troy?" I wondered how all the dynamics worked.

"Yup."

"Then how can he fire me?" I questioned.

"He can't. Well, technically I guess he can. You are his boss, but logistically he is over you."

"How does that work?" I asked in confusion.

"You are a guru at Hatfield. Your research is years ahead of its time. You have made multiple discoveries and patents for them. You currently are running three grants; three grants you wrote and secured the money for. Now, here is where it gets political. You only have a master's degree. Now, I am not knocking your degree. I am way proud of your accomplishments. However, you are not able to procure grants on a master's level. You have to have a PhD to run a grant. That is where Dr. Troy comes in. You put him on to your team to be the lead authority on your projects. You two work exceptionally great together, like a well-oiled machine - too good, if you ask me. I have forever been jealous of that hippy. But, getting off track, you are Dr. Troy's boss and he is your commander. So, like I said, technically he can fire you."

I absorbed Kevin's praise. "Why didn't I get a doctorate when you did?"

"You were tired of school, and you landed your job at Hatfield after you graduated with your masters. It was easy, you had interned there. They already knew they needed you. With your prestige position and trust, you couldn't see the need for a PhD. You also yearned to get pregnant, which took time. It wasn't until after Hailey was born you understood how valuable a doctorate would be. You had resolved you would get it after Hailey was in grade school."

Kevin's voice elevated. "I will go over to Hatfield tomorrow and punch Dr. Troy in the nose. There is no way that I will let that weasel red-line you off your own project!"

I felt touched to hear Kevin defend me. "Don't bother," I responded.

"Oh, you can't stop me. I have wanted to slam that jerk for years. To have him fire you; now it's personal."

"Thank you for your concern. Kevin, it's okay I was fired. I mean, I really would like to keep my job at Hatfield; however, I have no knowledge of my projects. I was completely lost there. There were so many people depending on me, and I let them all down. I was an idiot, and I will never step foot on that campus again." The sobs began again as I conjured up my humiliation.

"I had been afraid that something like that would happen."

I could hear a woman's faint voice in the background, "Mr. Caldwell, you are needed in the boardroom."

"I ..I am really sorry. I can tell that you really need me right now. I have to go to a meeting. I don't want to tell you this, but I am not going to be home until 11:00pm tonight. Take yourself out to dinner, go get a massage, and enjoy a drawn out bubble bath. I will try to make it up to you, I promise. I will go in work later tomorrow. It's Friday; I can get away with that."

I was hurt Kevin had to go. I really needed him right then. "Fine," I replied.

"Oh, and one piece of good news; I have a nanny and a housekeeper set up to start on Monday. That should ease your load a little bit."

### CHAPTER 24

I lingered at the kitchen island as I watched Michelle, our new housekeeper load the dishwasher. She could pass as a fifteen year old. She assured us she was eighteen and fresh out of high school. She had soft silky brown hair touching the top of her waist. Every hair was in place, and with each movement she made, the overhead light shimmered off of it. I took note of my own dingy brown hair. I dreamed of hair like Michelle's. She was taller than me by at least a full inch. Michelle was exquisite and radiated a pleasant disposition. She gave the impression she would do anything to prove her worth as a hard, dedicated worker.

I felt uncomfortable being in the same room as the housekeeper. It was hard to relax when she cleaned my filth. Sometimes, I would pitch in and help her clean. Kevin had to remind me she was getting paid and was thankful to have a job.

With no responsibilities, I noticed myself falling into an immense depression. I felt lost without a project or kids to attend. I had endlessly been busy in my life. It was breaking me not to work or have any expectations allocated on me. I used to fantasize about a life similar to the one I currently lived. Now, I learned prestige and money wasn't as rewarding as I had envisioned. Time moved slowly and the days jumbled together. I started sleeping in until 11:30pm or 12:30pm. In my previous life, I thought rising at 8:00am was sleeping in. Now, after I woke up, I would relax in an hour bubble bath and spend forty five minutes doing my hair. Next, I ate brunch then I would lump around the house. With nothing else to capture my involvement, I became hooked on day time TV. Sometimes, I would go walk on the beach or take a drive along the coast. Nothing fulfilled my restless soul.

Despite my lack luster days, I did enjoy not worrying about Hailey. With a live-in sitter, I occasionally gave Hailey attention. Karen, the middle age nanny did most of the toddler's care. Karen had grey, dull hair, which she always kept in a tight bun. She bound it so tight it looked like her facial skin was pulled into it as well. She never wore make up, and this made her look ashy and pale. She had never married and had no kids of her own. She stated being a nanny gave her the greatest pleasure in the world. Hailey enjoyed Karen, but sometime she would become really agitated with her nanny, not understanding why she couldn't spend more time with me, for she thought it was Karen who was stopping her. Hailey never dreamed I was choosing to avoid her.

Finally, the day came when Kevin left on his two week trip to India. I was disheartened to have him leave. With Kevin gone, things really wouldn't be any different than the last week had been, for I never saw him anyway. I was always sleeping when Kevin left and was asleep by the time he returned. I felt pretty abandoned already by him.

Kevin could feel my cloud of depression. He attempted to make the two weekends leading up to his trip memorable. The first weekend we spent at Cannon Beach, Oregon. Luckily, the weather was perfect as we spent hours on the beach talking and relishing in Hay Stack Rock. The formations in the ocean were so stunning. They painted a serene feeling on the coast. Enjoying the peace, we grew closer together.

The previous night to his departure, we had gotten back from Columbia River Gorge where Kevin had done wind surfing. With high hopes of me joining him, he brought both our wetsuits. I was afraid to try wind surfing, regardless of Kevin's reassurance that I was superb at it. I knew I possessed no such skill. So, instead, Hailey and I watched Kevin's skinny body ride the Gorge. He looked so thin I almost expected the wind to carry him away. The wind was intense and bitterly cold. Pulling our jackets tighter, we ignored the briskness as we cheered for Kevin. Goose bumps scattered across our bodies.

Kevin didn't want to leave on a sour note, but I made it very hard not to. As he packed his bags, I stomped around the bedroom.

The intense anger boiled inside me. How could he so thoughtlessly pack his things? Did he not care? "You aren't much of a husband, are you?" I said glaring at him.

He ignored my comment and continued packing his bags.

"Don't ignore me," I screamed. I walked over to Kevin's suit case and dumped it on the floor.

Kevin looked past his protracted nose, down at the disarray. He rubbed his sore arms from the windsurfing. He closed his eyes tightly and rubbed his arm muscles.

"Please, let's not get into this now. This is our last night together. I leave early in the morning, and I want it to be on a good note."

"Of course you want it to be perfect; you are the one who is leaving. You get to cruise away on a two week vacation to India, while you leave me here with absolutely nothing to do. Where did the Kevin go who cared about his family?"

"Oh yeah, two can play that game. Talk about someone changing, you don't even love your own daughter, you are trying to sever the relationship you have with Doug, and you're trying to push me away, and you can't even remember how to be a marine biologist. So excuse me if I no longer know how to play your game."

"You insensitive prick!" I yelled as I stomped out of their room. Let Kevin leave, what did I care?

...

I puzzled to whatever made me think I didn't have a perfect life before. I was beginning to understand perfection is directly tied to perception. Yes, I had been a tad bit restless in my former life. Often, I foolishly dreamed Kevin and I could have become more. Sometimes, I had despised my role as a stay at home mom. I had dreamed a degree would be better than the enclosing walls of my home. I evaluated my role as unimportant. Regretfully, I had sometimes seen my kids as annoyances. Perception!

I missed my kids terribly. My body ached in misery, my head pounded, my muscles throbbed, and my stomach hurt. I felt like a black cloud had seized all my functions. I envisioned myself running out into the ocean and never stopping until the waves over powered me and hauled me to the bottom of the sea bed. I scorned the life I had been tricked into. I despised my relationship with Kevin and sorrowed over having my kids stolen. I detested all of my free time, and I despised myself for all of it. And I hated Deidre.

In pain, I dropped to the floor in the kitchen and pounded the tile with my fists. My palm split open and blood splattered against the cold marble. The sight of my blood manically thrilled me. I hammered harder to create more.

"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh," I shrieked. It wasn't the stinging in my hand forcing me to howl; it was the throbbing in my heart.

"I need everything to disappear, I need to disappear. Aaaaaahhhhh!" I screamed again. Michelle turned the volume up on her MP3 headphones. She was getting use to my fits and tantrums. I could see they scared the tender teen, but she tried to ignore them the best she could. I know Kevin paid her better than she could get elsewhere, so she pretended my fits weren't happening. Meanwhile, every time I would lose it, Karen would rush Hailey outside.

"It's okay, princess, let's go catch some seagulls," Karen said, shifting her overweight body through the door. She banged it closed louder than she probably meant to. She popped her head back in, "Sorry," she said. Hailey turned back in with concern toward me then went back out the door. She used to cry every time she saw me go berserk, but she was starting to become numb to it. Through the window I saw her place her short hand in Karen's, and they skipped down the steps toward the beach.

As I held onto my misery, I rolled all over the floor and ended up in the hall. I must have looked like a toddler, or a fool, but soon I tired. Curling into the fetal position, I bawled and bawled. My emptiness was more than I could cope with. My life, despite the bells and whistles, had become void of meaning.

I remained in a catatonic state for several hours. Finally, when I recovered from my paroxysm, I sat up against the wall, but I still didn't move much.

Half an hour later, Karen and Hailey walked my way. Karen stopped in front of me. Her dull grey eyes studied me. I stood up.

"Karen," I said. I was flipping the hair out of my bloodshot eyes. I had behaved very wild, and I am sure my appearance frightened her. She probably never had been a nanny for someone quite like me before. "I have some errands to run. I don't know when I will be home. Do you need anything before I go?"

"No, Mrs. Caldwell. I have a full day planned for Hailey." Karen patted Hailey on the head. "We are classifying sea shells today, then we will probably wade in the ocean. After our excursions, I will lay Hailey down for a little shuteye. During her nap, I will construct a sensory bag, which we will then explore once she arouses. At that point, we will go over the ABC flashcards..."

I didn't care what Karen had planned, as long as I didn't have to be involved. I picked up Hailey and gave her a kiss and a hug goodbye. The sign of affection was more for show. My quick escape backfired when I tried to hand Hailey back to Karen; Hailey resisted it. The small child flipped her arms over my neck and held on in a death grip. Shrieking in an ear shattering pitch, she was not going to let me return her to Karen. She hadn't seen much of me lately.

The feelings of annoyance seethed deep within me. I jerked Hailey off. My already unstable feelings became more irritated at Hailey's resistance. Aggravated, I shoved her towards Karen. Wiggling free from Karen's mammoth hold, Hailey howled even louder. Karen tried to coddle Hailey. Hailey's face twisted in anger, making her look like a little devil to me.

Meanwhile, the octaves on Hailey's crying climbed. I could endure no more of her, for I had little emotion for her. "You are such a spoiled kid," I yelled at Hailey.

I ran to my room to gather my things. As I was leaving the house, I could hear Michelle and Karen whispering.

"And to think God blessed her with this child. She doesn't deserve to be a mother. And as sad as this is, I'm unable to bear children. Why can a woman like this have children, yet I can't? Why does the worst women get to be mothers?"

### CHAPTER 25

I carelessly parked my car along the curb at Corvallis Manor. I had left on a drive to clear my head. Somehow, I found myself at Dad's care center. Feeling forsaken, I unconsciously went to respite solace with Dad. Wishing I had someone with their cognitive faculties intact to share my miseries with, I frowned. I didn't have any other close relatives. I didn't dare visit my old friends in Corvallis. In this timeline, they wouldn't know who I was. I wasn't going to share my woes with Gemma or Takeisha, whoever they were. Even though Kevin said I was close to the Jamaican sisters, I wouldn't be now. With Kevin gone to India, I felt entirely alone in the world.

Walking through the front automatic sliding doors, the smell of the convalescence home greeted me. I didn't know how to describe the odors. It was kind of a universal smell I had smelt in every nursing home I had ever been in. It was a medley of bad breath, medicinal cocktails, steamed broccoli, heavy cleaner, dirty diapers, and lingering death. I felt so uncomfortable there. It seemed like the place children left their parents to die. All the residents at the nursing home acted desperate and starved for attention. I didn't have empathy over their loneliness. I could barely conjure up the means to deal with my own sorrow. I felt terribly uncomfortable there. I was afraid to look at anyone, fearing they would expect me to carry their burdens.

I tried to pretend I didn't see any of the residents. I walked briskly and hastily by them, without looking up or down. In my ambivalent state, I clumsily bumped into a bedraggled man in a wheel chair. He was missing both legs below the knees. I could see the empty stump of his left leg as it peeked beneath the lap quilt. With the visible scars, the amputation disturbed me.

I looked away and my attention was caught to how his wild uncombed hair frizzled all over his head. With his right eye squeezed shut tight, his left eye licentiously glared at me. The elderly man reached out with desire and clenched my hand. Uncomfortable, I gave the man an awkward smile. I didn't trust the cleanliness of his hands. With that in mind, I tried to pull away from his grip. The man strengthened his hold. He was not relinquishing his prize. He carried my hand to his dried crusted lips and drenched it with sloppy tongue kisses. I felt a surge of nausea run inside my body. Chills prickled my skin as I yanked my hand free and stomped away from the forsaken man. How dare he molest my hand? Just because he was old and crippled, did not give him the right to violate me. Angry, I searched for a bathroom to go wash in. When I couldn't spot one, I resolved to wash the perceived impurities off my hands in Dad's bathroom.

Once safely in Dad's room, I relaxed. I glanced over and saw Dad lying in bed. A man in his forties sat next to him. I recognized him as the activity director. Max Davis was reading the newspaper to Dad. The director had a head full of dark brown hair. There was a thick mustache under his nose. Max kind of reminded me of Ned Flanders on the Simpsons. I had always liked Max, for he was truly a compassionate man. Whenever he saw me, he made time to greet me with warmth.

Upon hearing me enter, Max lowered the newspaper, "Hi, Stacey, it's so good to see you. I was bringing your dad up to date on the sport statistics." Max turned to Dad, "Look Ron, Stacey is here."

Dad glanced in my direction, his eyes fogged over by cataracts, but his gaze shot right passed me. Focusing back at Max, Dad growled, "Keep reading."

Hurt by Dad's stony reaction, I glanced away and noticed Dad had a new roommate. I was surprised to see how young the roomy looked. He was a man in his mid-sixties. He was rather large and sat in a Jazzy Scooter. He had thick white hair and a shaggy beard. He was munching on a candy bar when his eyes locked onto mine. Immediately, he offered his hand to me. "Hi," he said in a strong voice. "My name is Bill." He didn't seem like he belonged there, because he was so bright and youthful.

I hesitantly gave Bill my hand. I worried he was going to drool all over it like the other man did. "I," I meekly responded, anxious to get my hand back. Bill firmly shook it, while I limply returned the greeting.

"So, you must be Ron's daughter. What a pleasure it is to meet you. I sure enjoy rooming with Ron. He makes me laugh." Bill let go of my hand and went back to his bed side table. He gathered a few sweets which he presented to me. I reluctantly accepted the gift. I was a bit of a germ-a-phobic and didn't plan on eating the 'contaminated' candy.

"Stacey," Dad called out from his bed. I was glad to be called away from Bill. He was nice enough, but I wasn't in the mood for sparking a friendship. Awkwardly, I stuffed the candy into my Levi pocket. I didn't wish to be forced to eat it there, since I planned on throwing it away when I left. With a smile on my face, I went to Dad's bedside.

"My face needs to be shaved, my shorts are soiled, and I need a bath," Dad gruffly said.

I dejectedly peered at him. He indeed was in need of a shave; his face had small prickly hair all over it, and he smelt horrible, like he hadn't bathed in a while. I wondered how Max could sit there and not gag over the retched smell of my father. Maybe Max was used to the unbecoming stench sometimes found in nursing homes.

"Um, would you like me to get the nurse?" I asked. I squeezed my fingers in awkwardness.

"No!" Dad yelled. "I have been waiting all day for you. They told me you would change me." I was confused. Never had Dad demanded me to change him; in fact, he had been particularly adamant I never see him naked. I shot a questioning glance at Max, my eyes pleaded for rescuing. Max settled his newspaper down and rose out of his chair. Standing over Dad, he ever so kindly said, "Ron, this is your daughter. She has come to visit with you. Visit away, and I will go grab an aid to change you."

"That is NOT my daughter," Dad spit. "I had all boys. Never did I have a daughter. Now, I would appreciate it if you would change me." Dad continued to order me.

I rested my hand on his head and rubbed his clammy skin. "Daddy, it's me, Stacey your daughter. Don't you remember me? I am your only child; you didn't have any sons."

Dad griped my hand with his ice cold fingers and tossed it aside. He turned to Max, "Watch that girl, for she is a con artist. She's trying to swindle me out of my things. I would fire her, if I were you."

With my desolation increasing, I swallowed loudly. I needed my father more than anything. My spirit disintegrated with Dad's lack of recognition. Unsure of how to react, I turned my back to everyone and ran out of the room, vociferating. My emotions were so out of whack, for I couldn't handle any more drama. When I had gotten two doors away, I heard Max call to me.

"Stacey... Stacey, please stop for a minute."

I was embarrassed to face Max, but I turned to him anyway. The mascara dirtied my cheeks as it streamed down my face.

"Stacey," Max said as he caught up to me and slipped a tender arm around my shoulders. "Please don't take your dad's deteriorating mind personally. Your father loves you so much and brags about you all of the time. Your father is a stunning man. We love him here. He is full of jokes and humor.

"Sadly, your dad is a prisoner to his mind; it is as humorous as he is. His mind likes to play tricks on him, it forgets things a lot. He has spells. Some days he is as sharp as a whistle, other days he lives in an alternate world." I could sympathize to what it felt like to live in an alternate world. I was currently living in one.

"I know how painful it is not to have your own parent recognize you. Deep inside, Ron knows you are his daughter. His mind is tricking him today. In an hour or two, he will be in a differential mindset, and he will be asking for you. Ron is lucky. He still has times of being mentally with us. We take those moments and roll with them. When he is in them, he is a fun guy. No matter what mindset he is in, he is a genius. We play trivia games with our residents to keep their minds sharp. Your dad slams out ninety percent of the answers to the games. When we have music entertainment, he sings along to every song. Your dad brings a significant presence to our nursing home. He loves you, please know that."

Max's words and hug helped me feel better. I turned my body into him and gave him a full hug back. My body quivered in deep sobs. I needed Dad so badly, so I was going to allow Max to play the role of Dad for the moment. Max gently swung his other arm around me and let my weep. I stayed locked in Max's arms for ten minutes. He affectionately allowed me the time I needed. Not ready to be done, but knowing I must, I broke the hold. I thanked Max, and walked away.

Max called after me, "Please come back soon. Don't give up on Ron. He needs you."

"Not as much as I need him," I mumbled and kept on walking.

After my escape, I climbed into my car and sped away. Once again, my sorrow navigated the roads. I found myself pulling into my childhood home. I noticed how the weeds gained control of the garden and lawn and how the rose bushes had grown wild. My parents had dedicated their retirement years to maintaining a well-kept yard. The neglect of the house deepened my sorrow. As I walked up to the front door, I kicked the for sale sign. I didn't like seeing it there. My big toe throbbed because of the impact of the kick. Wishing I hadn't done that, I touched my shoe. Straightening up, I unlocked the disremembered home and walked into the front room with a hurting toe.

### CHAPTER 26

The inside smelt stagnant and everything was dark. All the windows were covered by thick drapes, only trickles of light entered. Despite the odd feeling from the vacancy, I could feel a welcoming zeal catch hold of my cluttered mind. This was my childhood home. It was abound with memories and feelings of my tender years. The disregarded home had also been the last home I raised Ben and Lil' Dee in. Although I may have only lived there about half a year with them, they had spent every holiday in the house visiting my parents. I could still hear my children's voices ringing out from the walls. As I reminisced, I could faintly smell the familiar odor of the home; unfortunately, it was also masked behind the malodorous stench of forgotten time. I dropped into the windmill pattern couch; dust puffed out and entered my lungs, forcing me to cough. When my bronchioles had settled, I closed my eyes so my other senses could recall my life with my parents and kids. It felt good to be somewhere familiar. Yes, I had stopped there briefly before, but now I was alone to absorb it all in. And after all I had been through, I needed something familiar.

As I contemplated in the musty living room, I discerned I wasn't any different than Dad. It was as if I had forgotten everything just like he had. I wondered if my distance was hurting Hailey, like Dad's distance hurt me. I dismissed the idea, after all, Hailey was only three. How much did three year olds understand anyways? Besides, she wasn't real. Of course, I found my parallel to my father concerning. At least I wasn't as confused as he was, for I still knew my name and could cognitively recognize what was going on. I just lacked the ties and memories to places and things.

I glanced over the retro home. For the moment, I was content to have the home still look like it did when I was a child. There was relief that all my renovations no longer existed. Seeing the original décor comforted me. I could absorb the safety I gleaned from the house as a child. I needed something steadfast and solid. On the flip side of it, I was bugged my hours of re-painting, re-flooring, re-furnishing, and cleaning had to be done over again. I had spent months restoring my parent's house. Would I tackle the dismal task again? I had brought the idea up with Kevin last week. He said no way, for we were selling it 'as is.' Since we hadn't had any offers on it, I figured a little elbow grease would increase our chances on selling it.

Breaking the ghostly silence, my phone rang. I removed it and looked at it. The call was from Kevin. I put the phone back in my pocket. I was mad at him. He hadn't been there when I needed him the most. He wasn't helping my through my ordeal. He didn't even care about me; if he did, he would be there with me. Instead, he was running off to India, leaving me completely alone. No way would I answer the phone and give him the satisfaction of checking in on me. If he really desired to know how I was, he could fly home and discover it for himself.

Recalling Kevin's insensitivity only intensified my rage. My body was overflowing with a plethora of emotions. I had the agony of lost children, the humiliation of a lost job, the sorrow of Dad's deteriorating mental condition, the grievance of an uninvolving husband, the stress of Hailey, the unwanted presence of Doug, and the mounting task of redoing my parent's home. I had hit max capacity, and I couldn't handle the flood of emotions anymore. I picked up a pillow and hurled it across the room. I watched as it billowed to the floor. I needed something bigger, something louder. Still miffed, I shot my hand out and seized the elk antler lamp next to me. Letting out a scream, I smashed it against the ground. The glass light bulb shattered everywhere, the antlers broke in two. That barely did anything for me. Still needing a release, I ran my fingers across the glass, slicing off the skin on my thumb. A tinge of soreness shot up my arm. Dark blood trickled out. It wasn't enough. I clasped a handful of glass and closed my fist on it. Wet crimson ran amidst my fingers. The stinging pulsated in my hand and arm. It felt refreshing to have an atypical sort of hurt. The pain was one I could control.

I ached for more physical torture. That sent me into a mad frenzy, and I destroyed anything I touched, howling and screeching as I tore apart my parent's front room. I ripped apart the seams on the couch. Tearing out the stuffing, I flung it everywhere. I overturned the coffee table and kicked the glass in with my foot. Fragments of glass sprayed the living room floor. I rubbed my shoe over it, listening to it crinkle and crack. Jerking the pictures off of the wall, I broke the canvas over my face. It hardly hurt.

Now, completely unbridled, I whirled violently into the bathroom. I peered into the mirror, barely recognizing the face staring back at me. Deep black circles circumference my eyes. I abhorred the rage illuminating from me. My aurora was dark. I despised the loss of control that possessed me, but the beast inside me couldn't stop. I balled up my left fist and ran it full force into the mirror. Shards of glass flew across the bathroom landing in every space possible. Splinters of glass embedded into my hand. I howled in exasperation and delight. Some force had overtaken me, and it scared and thrilled me. Placing my finger on a few pieces of the inserted glass, I shoved it in farther. More blood seeped out of the openings. I went over to the barren tub and climbed in. Sitting in it, I held myself and rocked back and forth. I moaned and cried to the throbbing in my hand and the torture in my heart. I turned the hot water on and let it drench my clothes. Clouds of steam rose and levitated toward the ceiling. When the tub was full, I turned the faucet off. After time, my body gave out and I fell asleep.

...

With the sorest kink in my neck, I woke up. Light flooded over me from the small bathroom window. I wasn't sure as to what the time was. The water had cooled down, and the wet clothes clung to me and made me very cold. I shivered. Pulling my body out of the tub, I found everything incredibly stiff. Stretching myself out, I tried to release the tension. Spasms controlled my hand muscles. Glancing down, I noticed the splinters of glass were still submerged into my flesh. Sitting on the toilet seat, I pulled the sharp fragments out and tossed the shards to the ground; cleanliness was no longer an issue. I didn't care if I stepped on them later. Suddenly, breaking the silence, my phone went off again. I looked around to locate the ringing. I found it on the ground covered in broken glass. I picked it up and shook the little splinters off. I looked at the caller I.D; it was Kevin once again. I rejected the call. Seeing the time on the phone, 7:22am, I was conceived I had spent the night in the unforgiving tub. Rubbing the tightness in my back and neck, the realization hit me that Karen had counted on me coming home last night. I hoped Karen didn't freak out when I didn't show up. I speedily dialed her cell phone number.

"Hello," Karen answered.

"Oh Karen, I am so sorry I didn't call you last night. I...well...I don't know what ensued. I didn't make it home."

"That is quite all right, madam. I am happy to be doing my job. I am here for Hailey, isn't that what you hired me for?"

How fortunate I was to have a dedicated and flexible nanny. Karen began relating all about her and Hailey's day. I half listened as I fished more glass out of my hand. I licked my wounds to ease the stinging. Karen could take Hailey to the moon for all I cared. I was relieved I didn't have a mad nanny on my hands. Karen reassured me Hailey was in worthy hands. Satisfied, I hung up the phone.

My whole personage felt like garbage. I lugged my spent body to my parent's double bed. I was ice cold from being in water all night. Still dripping wet, I lay upon the dusty bed. I didn't feel like I deserved dry clothes. I didn't have the stamina or aspiration to continue with life. There in bed, I stayed for three days continuously. Most of the time I slept, sometimes I would think. Mostly, I slept. If I was asleep, then I didn't have to feel the doom and loneliness.

On the fourth day, hunger aroused me out of bed. I weekly went into the kitchen and ate a can of stewed tomatoes. There was nothing fresh to eat in the house. The tomatoes lightly touched my ragging appetite. I found a box of stale graham crackers. Ravenously, I opened them up and ate an entire pouch. The dryness of the crackers gagged me a couple of times. Grabbing a blue tumbler out of the cupboard, I filled it with warm tap water. The water washed the crumbs down my throat.

I tarried at the table and thought about Deidre. I had lost the world so Deidre could live. I did not plan to give up on our friendship so easily. I couldn't. I would turn Deidre's heart. I had to. Now I was out of bed, I chose to do something about the strained friendship. I went into the back bedroom/office and gathered paper. Flying amidst my words, I constructed a letter to Deidre filled with pleading. I begged Deidre to forgive me. In my letter I told Deidre about a dream where she had died. I aimed to capture the despair I had felt with the real death of her. I told Deidre the dream had made me realize life was too precious to waste it in hostility. I said, I understood marrying Kevin was malicious, knifing, and horrible. I begged Deidre to forgive me. After I finished the letter, I reread it at least twenty times. Numbly, I sealed up the eighteen pages and placed it out in the mail.

Returning to the office, I looked around. I had turned it into Lil' Dee's room in the other life. Lil' Dee had planned to grow up and be an astronaut, so, she and I painted the entire room black, then we fastened glow in the dark stars and planets all over the walls and ceiling. When the lights were turned out, Lil' Dee felt like she really was in space. Now, all I saw was old peeling floral wallpaper; the original covering from my own childhood. All of our manual labor was a hallucination. The love we spent on it was dissipated. Screaming in frustration, I plucked a corner of the old rose wall paper and tore it off of the wall. That act ignited something within me.

Over the next five days, I progressed on remodeling my parent's house-again. Except to get supplies, I never left. I rarely ate or slept. I found myself possessed with the task, for it distracted my mind from my affliction and emptiness.

Subsequently, two weeks of Kevin's trip had passed. He was due back late Friday the twenty ninth of October. I left my parent's house early that morning. I had a few errands I needed to run before I went back to my husband and my beach house.

Stopping at Corvallis Manor, I wanted to visit Dad before heading back to Newport. I found my spirits had been rejuvenated by my renovation project. As I went into the nursing home, the aforementioned one eyed man came up to me. He reached out for my hand. In disdain, I brushed past him; there was no way he would ever get my hand again. I continued through the corridors with higher spirits than my last visit. Arriving at my father's room, I ducked in. Dad and Bill were playing checkers. I settled down and observed them. Dad must have been on one of his up moods.

"Hi sweetheart, have you met William?" Dad asked as I bent down and received a kiss from him. I nodded yes.

"Hi there, Stacey. How about I move over, and you can take my place. Your dad is beating the socks off of me," Bill said

I never cared for checkers. "No thank you, that was nice of you to offer. I will sit on the bed and watch you two play."

"Are you sure?" Bill asked as he motioned for me to acquire his spot.

I chuckled, "Very sure."

Dad and Bill went back to their game. As they played, Dad told Bill several funny, yet embarrassing stories about me. I didn't mind the humiliating reports; rather, I was glad Dad could recall them.

"Did you like that candy I gave you?" Bill asked me after his last checker game.

"Yes, it was very good," I lied.

"Great, I have more for you. I keep winning it at bingo. I love candy, but I can't have it. I am diabetic, but since I am so weak to it, I take it anyways, then I eat it, then the nurses yell at me. If you eat it, then I won't have to." Bill wheeled over to his drawer and collected a massive supply of treats. Wedged deep in the pile were two saturated Kleenexes. He dropped the candy into my hands then he retrieved his tissue from the pile.

"How'd that get in there?" he asked as he threw it away. My face turned green as I thought about the candy and the dirty rag being kept together.

I visited with Dad and Bill a little longer. Before leaving, I gave dad a deep hug. His embrace melted a considerable amount of my anxiety. I needed him to remember me the next time I saw him.

Outside, the weather was over cast and lightly raining. I swiftly climbed into my Lexus and drove over to Cupids Floral. Hurriedly going in, I ordered six dozen roses to be sent to Deidre. I was determined to rekindle our friendship.

### CHAPTER 27

Awaking on the davenport, I rubbed my eyes. I had spent the night excitedly waiting in the parlor for Kevin to return. I felt I had made commendable mental progress during his absents. Sure, the first few days were hell, but I only grew from it. I couldn't wait to share with Kevin what I had learned about myself. I had missed him terribly. I looked forward to having him hold me. I couldn't wait to spend the weekend with him.

"Kevin," I called out. He must have come home during my sleep. I stretched my cramped muscles out. I stood up and went to search in the garage. Discovering his car was not in there, I looked for the house keeper. Michelle was in the bathrooms scrubbing the already clean fixture.

"Did Kevin come home last night?" I asked Michelle.

"I don't know. I don't believe he did." Michelle glanced up for a second, flashing her captivating hazel eyes at me, then returned back to her job. She always seemed so uncomfortable to talk with me.

I could feel myself worry, "Do you think his plane crashed?" I felt a rush of anxiety swell in my gut.

"No, his plane did not go down. He told me he wouldn't be home for a while. Can I get you anything?" Michelle dropped her rag in the bucket's sudsy water and turned towards me.

"Why would he not come home?" I asked. Michelle shrugged her shoulders.

I picked up my phone and called Kevin. Nothing. I spent the whole day calling him. He probably was ignoring each call by the aiding of his brother.

Since Kevin never came home, I checked into his online journal for answers.

Dear Journal

I had stopped at Ariel's and Stephanie's on the way home. I didn't stay long because I was so tired. It disturbed me to see how poorly they were doing. It was pretty stormy.

The rain was coming down in sheets, as lighting flashed across the ocean. The mood felt dismal and grim. It matched the uneasiness I was feeling. I had really enjoyed my project in India and was not in too big of a hurry to return home. Abroad, I had been a hero, a liberator. Back at home, I would meet only turmoil and trouble. I desired to turn around and head back to the airport.

I had to stop at my brother's before I went home. I sure like going to Doug's house at the west end of Yaquina Bay. I almost considered building here, but Stacey was insistent to be right on the beach. I always loved seeing the light shine from the Yaquina Bay lighthouse. This time, it glistened off the rain. I shuffled my feet as I went in, because I knew Doug was waiting there with a lecture. I was tired from such a long flight. I wasn't ready for the drama to begin. What I really wanted to do was go to my own home and go to bed. But that wasn't an option at the moment. As I entered the house, Doug glanced up from his spot on the glider rocker.

" _You're home! How was your trip?" he said._

I had told him how we had done a considerate amount of good for that city. I was hoping to end our conversation there as I lugged my bags toward the spare bedroom. I was hoping to avoid my twin's harangue.

" _Kevin, I think we need to talk," Doug said in a disappointed tone. I had been afraid of that. I dropped my bags and reluctantly sat on his sofa, already knowing what he was up to._

" _Leave her!" Doug commanded, without any preface or small talk._

" _I don't believe in divorce."_

" _Have you talked to her yet?"_

I really didn't plan to discuss my marriage with my brother. I was tired. "No, I haven't been able to get a hold of her the whole trip."

" _Karen said that she took off the first night you were gone and hasn't been home since," Doug said informing me._

" _I know. I received the same report."_

" _I think she ran off with her lover," he said._

" _I am her lover," I assured him._

" _So you think. Where else would she go? What kind of mother walks out on her child and her husband? First thing Monday morning, we will go to the court house and file for divorce. You need to get her abandonment documented. You don't want her to end up with Hailey. You'll never see your daughter again."_

" _How is she?" Kevin asked._

" _Who?"_

" _Hailey, how is she doing?"_

" _Horrible. When I picked Hailey up from Karen, she was starting to get sick. She has regressed back to diapers. She doesn't even try to use the potty any more. Her temper has flared, and she is very angry. Who can blame the little angel? In her tender mind, both her parents abandoned her."_

I was too worn out for Doug's curtness. "Are you attacking me?"

" _Your daughter needs you Kevin. You've been working way too much. Cut back your hours, you're in charge. Get to know Hailey, believe you me; they don't stay young for long." What did he know, he didn't have kids?_

" _If I cut back my hours, I won't be the boss."_

" _Oh, poor baby. What will you drop from, $700,000 a year to $400,000 a year. What can you buy with $700,000 that you can't buy with $400,000?"_

" _It's not that easy. Stacey lost her job. We don't have her income coming in any more. I need to keep my position. I have my money locked up in various places, and I can't make it without my income. Also, I worked hard to be where I am at. I won't walk away from it. Hailey was doing fine before all this craziness started. It's not my working that is messing with Hailey; it is Stacey's lack of reality."_

" _Stacey lost her job!" Doug screeched. "Are you sure that wife of yours is not on drugs?"_

" _I don't know what I am sure of anymore. Maybe she is. I don't know. I do know that I love her, and I will iron things out."_

" _Stop it! You aren't that stupid, for you are my twin, how could you be? How can you have a PhD and be so clueless? DIVORCE her; she is on something or with someone!"_

" _I'm going to bed. Thanks for picking up Hailey."_

" _Has she returned home?" Doug asked as me as I went to the back bedroom._

" _Michelle said she came home earlier today," Kevin responded._

" _She is probably pretending that she has been home the whole time; the little harlot. Don't believe anything she says. Better yet, stay away from there. If you need anything, I will pick it up for you. Go to the courthouse Monday. She can hear from you when you subpoena her for divorce."_

I read Kevin's online journal. I was always amazed at how much detail he put in his journals. He often referred to them when he needed to settle an argument about a past event. I had told him to go into writing, but he insisted it wasn't for him. As I finished his last entry, I was hurt and angry.

...

I heard Kevin pull into the garage. I quickly dashed out to greet him. As soon as he was out of the car, I gave him a huge hug. I wasn't going to let his journal entry get me down. It felt so pleasing to behold him again. I was glad he decided to return home. In response, he just let his arms dangle by his side. He did not return my embrace.

"What's going on, Kevin?" I meekly asked.

He glared at me. "Where were you the last two weeks?" he demanded.

"Why didn't you come home last night?" I shot back. He didn't answer. The silence lingered. I had to break it. "I was at my parent's house. I remodeled it so we can sale it."

"Why did you not answer any of my calls?" Kevin picked at his top shirt button. I noticed his nails were long and needing a trim.

"I was mad at you," I said. I tried to act repentant, but I wasn't succeeding at winning Kevin back.

"You, mad at me? Boy is that rich! What do you have to be mad about? Were you mad that I was bringing electricity to a group of people that have never had it? Were you mad that I was earning money so that you could live in the lap of luxury? Please tell me, your highness, what did I do to upset you?"

I did not like Kevin's tone and demeaning attitude. I put my hands on my hips. "For your clueless information, I was mad you left me. I am not doing well, Kevin. I am struggling. I lost my children and now I feel like I am losing you. You are never home. I only see you on the weekends, what kind of marriage is that?"

"It's a marriage that works," Kevin rebutted as he rubbed his hands across his oval face. His skin was still a bit darker from his trip. The sun warmed his features nicely.

"No, Kevin, it doesn't work," I shouted back. "It doesn't work at all. I am close to suicide, but you wouldn't know, would you? You are too busy being the hot shot at work to notice I am dying inside." I got in his face. "I need you Kevin, I NEED you. But, you are never here."

Kevin paused for a few moments. He was highly perturbed at me, I could tell. In response, he said, "What about Hailey? She needs you. What about me, I need you as well? You are so busy weeping and wailing about this horrible life that I provide for you. You have forgotten that your family has needs too. It is always about YOU! You have dumped on your daughter and broke my heart. Hailey is back in diapers because of you. You have dumped on me. You mope around the house like you live in a concentration camp. You live the American dream. You have a designer house next to the beach. You have a husband that adores you and has never wronged you. You have access to all the money you could ever desire. You have a dazzling daughter that you treat like scum. I am sorry that she doesn't measure up to your imaginary children, she is..."

I slapped Kevin across his thin cheek. "Don't you ever call Ben and Deidre imaginary." My eyes burned into Kevin. "And I can't help it if our children were wonderful and your little Hailey is a brat. She bawls and screams, she fights and demands. My children never did that."

Kevin rubbed his cheek in response to my attack. "Hailey only expresses herself that way because you turned her world upside down. The one person she adores more than anyone else in the world suddenly scorns her. No toddler can deal with that. Not even your precious Ben and Deidre would be able to handle your miserable attitude."

I slapped Kevin again. Kevin looked at me in shock. The hurt feelings on his face broke my heart. His brown eyes looked wounded. I wish I wouldn't have slapped him.

"Doug wants me to divorce you," he said as he walked into the garage. Kevin slammed the car door. Cranking on the engine he peeled away.

I pulled a stool up to the island. My hands were shaking in anger. I glanced at my palms; they burned from slapping Kevin twice. I noticed as he was leaving I had left a huge welt on his cheek. Doug was going to have a hay day with that.

"Screw Doug," I yelled. "Screw Kevin and screw Hailey. I don't need them. I don't need YOU KEVIN! I can survive by myself. You can take all of your prestige and shove it. I will start a new life. I will move out of state where no one can accuse me of being nutty. I will bury my life with you as I buried my life with my children."

### CHAPTER 28

I locked myself in the theater room and drowned my malady out with movies. It was official. I had now lost everything to Asp. I venomously hated Asp more than anyone I had ever loathed. In the middle of a movie, I went to the kitchen to reload on popcorn. Pulling the popcorn out of the microwave, the doorbell rang. I grouchily went to the front door and answered it.

"Trick-or-treat." There stood a little pumpkin, a scary ghost, and an ugly witch on my balcony. I was caught off guard by the kid's presence. "You guys are early, tomorrow is Halloween," I told them.

"Mommy said we haft a go today cuz tomorrow is the zabath," the little ghost said.

"The what?" I questioned. I didn't have the patience for the intrusion on my time. I shouldn't have opened the door.

The pumpkin stepped forward, "Tomorrow is the Sabbath, so we have to go trick-or-treating tonight."

"Come back on Halloween," I said as I slammed the door on their faces. I felt bad. I usually fried donuts on Halloween for the trick-or-treaters, for I loved Halloween. Now, I didn't have the fortitude or the heart to worry about the kids. The solicitation for candy didn't stop. The doorbell rang all night. Hiding in the theater room, I turned the surround sound as high as I could. If I was lucky, no one would play a trick on my tonight.

That night, I had a hard time sleeping; I awoke several times in the night. I tried to pretend it didn't bother me about Kevin. As much as I tried, I couldn't fool myself. Kevin had been in my life for so long I couldn't imagine a life without him. He was my understanding ear and my shoulder to cry on. I depended on him for everything, and I didn't know what I would do if I lost him. At 4:45am, I climbed out of bed, for I knew sleep had passed me over.

Pacing around my huge and extremely empty house, I whimpered. I shuffled into the barren nursery. I reminisced the few times I had spent in it with Hailey. I could feel an ever slight tinge of remorse for Hailey being taken away. I could admit to myself Hailey was a truly charming girl. I just wasn't ready to let Hailey replace my children.

I strolled into the game room. Noticing a book case full of photo albums, I went over to it. I lugged out a paisley pink soft cover album. There was an adorable picture of a newborn wearing a red velvet dress on the front. It was Hailey May's baby book. I sank into the Luv-sac and opened the album.

I felt myself drawn to the picture of me holding Hailey for the first time. In the picture, I looked so captivated by the tiny infant in my arms. I appeared like I was blissful and in love. Quite opposite to the remorse I had felt when Ben was born. I had been so stressed at the idea of becoming a mother at nineteen. I still had a full life to live and had felt as though Ben were a thief of my dreams. I knew keeping Ben would force me to turn my back to all of my goals. Plus, I was ashamed to have a child out of wedlock.

My labor had been an extremely exhausting, lasting twenty nine hours. The doctor had decided to remove Ben by cesarean section. Kevin stayed the whole time with me. He was delighted to hold his boy for the first time. I was excited, but I was so scared and apprehensive. How was I going to raise a baby when I was still a child myself? To top it off, I also felt like a whore. I had never planned to have relations out of marriage. Ben was evidence of my sin against God. Doug saw Ben as such and refused to come to the hospital. I was crushed by my new brother in laws refusal to celebrate in Ben's life.

As I looked at Hailey's album, I could tell her arrival had been a blessed occasion. I could see I was older in the picture, and I looked confident. In some of the preceding pictures, I saw Doug with who must have been with a very pregnant Cami at the hospital. Doug looked like a proud uncle. Everyone appeared truly pleased and upbeat at the arrival of Hailey.

I continued to explore the pages of Hailey's album. I could identify how much I had loved Hailey in this other time line. Hailey's book was crammed with pictures of every important event, down to even little mundane things. She was the pride of Kevin and me, I could tell. I could understand the wisdom of bringing a child into the world at the right time with a married spouse. Children born to parents whom had been prepared and planned the birth had a far better advantage over those who didn't. I prayed I could feel the love for Hailey I should have. The pictures proved to me in a parallel universe, I had given birth to Hailey, and I was madly in love with my daughter. Why wasn't I given the gift of a memory to this life? Things would be easier if I could share equal memories with my loved ones. As I looked at more albums, I could feel my heart being softened. I could feel the urge to be Hailey's mom starting to form.

...

On Halloween night, I received more trick-or-treaters, and this time I was ready. I greeted the candy scavengers with homemade donuts I had made earlier in the day. This time I tried to make Halloween magical for all of the trick-or-treaters. I really felt lonely without my kids, and I even missed Hailey. Halloween was meant to be spent with kids and loved ones. I tried to push the lonely feelings aside. I longed to hold to the warm feeling I had received searching the family albums. As I lay in bed Halloween night, I surmised I would fight for Kevin and even Hailey. It was obvious this was now my life. It was time for me to embrace it.

### CHAPTER 29

The piercing alarm woke me from another nightmare about my children; sweat drenched my pajamas.

Encasing the blanket against my body, I turned the alarm off. The sweat soaked me and I felt cold. Shivering, I contemplated my plans. I dreaded the trip to Doug's house, but I knew what must be done.

I drove toward Yaquina Bay with a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach. I parked my car two houses away from Doug's home. As I tarried in the car waiting for my husband to leave for work, I turned the heater higher. The morning felt pretty chilly, the rain had dropped the temperature way down to forty nine degrees. The weather was really starting to feel like crisp fall. The clock on my dash said 6:09am. Kevin should be leaving in eleven minutes. I didn't want to miss him going to work, so I arrived early. I waited in my car to watch him leave; I did not have the nerve to confront him in front of Doug. I felt the problems with me and Kevin were personal, and I planned to keep them that way. As I waited for Kevin, I rehearsed the words I hoped to say to him.

Finally, Kevin walked out of Doug's door; he had on his waterproof Trench Coat. He looked so handsome in it, I longed to run out and give him a kiss. As I gathered the nerve to approach him, Doug followed after him. He had prepared him a sack lunch. Doug was sure weird at times.

"He is thirty one for crying out loud, and you are not his mother," I yelled into my dashboard. I cursed how Doug held so tightly to Kevin. It wasn't natural. Doug felt their bond was supposed to never change, even into adulthood.

Neither Doug nor Kevin had noticed my Lexus parked down the street. Kevin drove off and Doug stood on the porch watching him until his car was out of sight. After Doug ducked into the house, I started my car and drove after Kevin.

Kevin drove for several miles until he slowed down and pulled to the side of the road. As he walked back to my car, I could see the cold whip at his cheeks. He quickly bounded into the passenger's side. He really looked bedraggled with the dark bags under his eyes.

"What do you need?" he asked callously.

"Kevin, please hear me out. I am so sorry for all I have put you and Hailey through. I know I have been incredibly selfish, self-focused, and self-absorbed. I have spent this weekend seriously contemplating my behavior. I know I have messed up, and I would think after all we have been through, you would give me another chance... Kevin, I need you."

Kevin stared at me, his brown eyes without expression. He didn't say a word. His lack of response broke me out into tears. He did not pull me in like he usually did. He watched dispassionately as I cried.

"Doug thinks you are having an affair. Are you?"

I was floored at the wicked accusation. "Are you kidding, you really think I would cheat on you? I would never ever, ever in a million years cheat on you. I love you too much to do that. Why would you listen to him? He hates me."

Kevin became very firm with me. "If you are trying to win me back, yelling and belittling my brother is not the right approach."

I reigned in my anger. I knew he was right. He had justification to question me; after all, I had disappeared for two weeks. I now contemplated how exhausting that must have been on him. The last month had really taxed me. I was barely understanding how my actions had affected him. I had only focused on my misery and desperation. I should have eased up on Kevin and Hailey. If Kevin were to cut communications for two weeks, I would be questioning his integrity as well. I looked him squarely in his brown eyes.

In a soften voice, I said, "Kevin, I love you. I have always loved you. You are my king. You are my confidant. I could not endure life without you. For those and plenty of other reasons, I would never cheat on you. I can now understand how my actions leave me with a questionable reputation. I promise you on everything holy, I did not, nor have I ever cheated on you.

"When you left for two weeks, I was on such a down. Many times the temptation to end my own life entered my mind. I needed to get a break. I went to visit Dad. He didn't remember me..." I had to stop to hold back the sorrow. "My own dad thought I was hired to change his briefs. He treated me so cruelly when I wouldn't change him. It was just one more blow, Kevin. I ran to my parent's house to reassess my life. While I was there, I really lost it. I tore apart my parent's front room. I even purposely sliced my hand up." I showed him the multiple scars on my hand. "I was in so much vexation. And you weren't there; you just left me to deal with the loneliest time of my life; alone."

"What was I supposed to do? Back out of my responsibilities to my company and to the people of India?"

"I don't know, Kevin, all I know is I was at my absolute bottom. I didn't answer your calls because I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I lay in bed for several days. I didn't get out to eat, drink, or anything else. I wanted to die. I spent those days willing myself to die. I even called on Asp to take my life as she had taken my children. She never did, and I never died.

"Somehow I pulled out of my funk long enough to notice my parent's home. I noticed the dilapidated condition it was in, so I redecorated it. If you don't believe me, go to their house, you won't even recognize it anymore."

"Why did you waste your time and money redecorating it? We decided to sale it 'as is.'" I could tell Kevin was annoyed.

"If I hadn't redecorated it, then I probably would have killed myself by now. Redecorating my childhood home gave me purpose and reason. The project reawakened my spirits, and I felt human again. I was able to pull out of my misery."

Kevin tapped his reedy fingers on the dashboard. "How could you leave Hailey for the whole two weeks?" Kevin yelled.

"She was okay. I left her with Karen. I could have stayed at home and done nothing while Karen cared for her. Or, I could go to my parent's to heal, while Karen still took care of her. I feel it was the best decision for my health."

"I did NOT hire Karen to raise Hailey. I hired Karen to assist you with Hailey."

"I admit I have screwed up pretty bad with Hailey. Kevin, I am sorry," I said humbly.

"Don't tell me sorry, tell Hailey sorry."

"Still, Kevin, I am Sorry." I felt frazzled. I was not getting the forgiveness I had contemplated. "I know I have messed up. Hailey is a precious beautiful little girl who needs her mommy. I have failed her, but I plan on making that up. I know no one believes I came from another time line, but Kevin, I truly remember an anomalous life than the one I have right at this moment. I share no memories with you of the last ten or more years. I only remember a life no one else knows. My memories aren't fabricated, they are real. My life was real and now I have to adjust to a variant life. That has been a murderous reality to except, but I have resolved to come to terms with it. I will attain the role of Hailey May's mom, and I will be the wife of an executive, and I will do what it takes to make this work."

Kevin stared at me. I could feel our connection severed. I desperately yearned to have Kevin hold me. "When will this all end?" he dispassionately asked.

"When will what end?" I asked back. I peered out the window and watched a flock of seagulls fly overhead.

"Your delusions. Are you taking drugs?"

I shoved my arms up in the air. I could tell I wasn't softening his heart. "Let me guess, Doug put that one in your head too?"

"Doesn't matter, are you?" Kevin demanded as he glared at me.

"Kevin, you know me better than that?"

"Do I?"

I moved my hand to my forehead and rubbed it. I was starting to get a headache. I felt like I was regressing.

"Kevin, I don't take drugs, and what I say is true. If you would believe me, then our relationship could heal quicker."

"Time does not change. We are all on one continuous eternal course. There are no worm holes, no parallel universes, and no alternate time lines. We have lived a great life, and I am sorry you have chosen to block it out. I don't know if you slipped and hit your head at the fair, but it hasn't changed our past."

I was angry with Kevin's heartlessness. How dare he accuse me of making up the story of my own personal hell? I knew he would never understand, but I desired his support anyways. I was pretty sure he would be more sensitive if he didn't have Doug ridding his back and filling his mind with garbage. However, I held my tongue. I was already on thin ice with him, and I didn't plan to do anything to break it.

"I love you. Please, you got to understand I am suffering some kind of mind warp. I am trying to get your forgiveness, and I am willing to do whatever it takes. Please, please, please stay with me. You promised me awhile back you would stick with me and you wouldn't leave me," I was pleading behind my tears.

"Things changed. I didn't realize that you were going to give up on Hailey and me."

Giant tears cascaded down my chapped cheeks. "Please," was all I could mutter.

Kevin opened the car door. "I am late for work."

"Kevin, please," I begged. I offered him my hand. He only stared at it.

He turned in to me before he closed the door. "Doug wants me to file for divorce today." Closing the door, he walked back to his car and drove away.

I broke apart. My chest moved in and out as I howled to my broken heart. I had been sure we would resolve things, for we had always been able to overcome our differences. I had never heard Kevin use the 'divorce' word. I was crushed. I had lost my children and now I was losing my husband. Full of grief, I turned and went home.

### CHAPTER 30

Quietly, I rested in the parlor looking at our flimsy wedding album. The album was complementary of The House of Love in Vegas. I wore a red dress to the wedding. Did I really wear red to be married in? Kevin wore a tee shirt and shorts. His white, chicken-like legs blaring out the picture. I was puzzled why he didn't wear the tux he was going to marry Deidre in. He seemed like a punk in the picture. We didn't appear to be a couple that felt serious about marriage. Elvis stood on the opposite side of the altar. He appeared slightly inebriated. I saw it amusing I had been officiated in matrimony by a drunken Elvis. Could we have had a more tacky beginning? Suddenly, the sound of the doorbell rang out across the home. I put down the album and went to the door. Opening it, I saw a police officer standing on my balcony.

"Mrs. Stacey Caldwell?" the young officer asked.

My heart almost gave out. How could Kevin do it? He had filed for divorce. My body quivered. I felt betrayed by the man I loved. What became of our wedding vows, "...in sickness and in health...until death do we part"? Maybe Elvis had skipped over that part. I felt astounded Kevin would forsake me so easily. I was convinced Doug had been one hundred percent behind the filing for divorce. Maybe Doug had gone to the court house and done it, it wouldn't be hard, for they could look identical if they wanted to. I glared at the merciless officer, as I desired to slam the door on him and hide under my bed. Reluctantly, I replied 'yes' to his inquiry.

"I hereby serve you with a restraining order containing a no contact provision against Deidre Bill."

I felt like my brain had been jarred. The restraining order broadsided me with full force. I found myself confused. I had been sure the officer held a divorce subpoena from Kevin. In actuality, the police man stood there on behalf of Deidre. I felt completely stunned.

"What?" I blurted out, "A restraining order? I have never abused or threatened abuse to Deidre."

The police man shrugged his shoulders. "Typical response from an abuser. Almost every criminal claims to be innocent. Mrs. Bill states you have been harassing her. Under the restraining order, you are to have no contact with Mrs. Bill by person, mail, phone, notes, fax, text, or email. You are not allowed to send her flowers or gifts. You are to leave Mrs. Bill entirely alone."

I felt appalled to the Callousness of Deidre. I had sent Deidre a heartfelt private letter. I had also sent Deidre those expensive roses. Everything I had done for Deidre had been thoughtful and kind. How could Deidre so ruthlessly place a restraining order against me? I grasped the order and closed the door in the cop's face. I found the ordeal absurd.

Of course, on the other hand, I was glad it wasn't a divorce summons. Hate and relief simultaneously washed over me. I ripped up the paper and threw it in the unlit fire place. I found myself wishing Deidre ill will.

Night time fell, and once again, I was alone in bed. I might not have received a divorce order earlier, but it was in all likelihood on its way. After an excessive amount of tossing and turning, I fell asleep.

...

Through the darkened room, the floorboards creaked. I silently pretended to snore as I listened to the intruder lurk around in my unlit room. The dark figure made its way over to my bed and looked down on me, a defenseless woman. It grabbed a hold of my wrists and climbed on top. Frightened to the massive amount of weight on me, I screamed in fear. I had no idea what was going on. My arms were pinned to the bed while a heavy body straddled me. Its heavy breathing added to my terror. I didn't want to know what his intentions were. I wrestled strenuously to escape my captor. I violently thrashed around on my bed. To no avail, I was weak compared to him. My heart raced in fear. Had I forgotten to lock all of the doors and turn on the alarm? As I flared up, I heard a snicker. What was going on? Then, thankfully, relief flooded me as I recognized my husband's giggle. It was he who was on top of me. He kissed my lips and stroked my hair.

Kevin seductively said, his tenor voice trilling his words, "You know, I like the way you look in those pajamas," I squealed in delight as I flung my arms around his neck. I became jubilant to have my husband return to me. I was also relieved I wasn't trapped under a mad man.

Kevin sat up and said, "I am sorry for the way I acted earlier. I was a little clouded by Doug." I had already deduced that. "I love you, and if you are willing to try, then of course I hope we fix things. You are my darling wife, and I fought hard for you. I want to still keep fighting for you. Will you keep fighting for me?"

I kissed Kevin all over his prickly face, "Yes, oh yes. I love you so much, Kevin."

We stayed up until 1am talking about life and our plans for the future.

"Is there any way you can cut back on your hours at work?" I asked.

"Well, it would be hairy to do, but maybe if I work sixty hours Monday-Thursday, then I could have Friday-Sunday off. It would make the first four days intense, but it would allow more time for us on the weekends. It would give us one more day together."

"I don't see you on your work days anyways. So it doesn't matter to me if you go in earlier and stay later. I actually like the idea. I would love to have a three day weekend. It will be demanding, but if it makes you happy, then it is worth it."

I had really wanted him to cut back to a forty hour work week, but I would accept his new offer. I loved the idea of three day weekends with him.

"Why don't we increase Michelle's hours and have her make all the meals. Hopefully, with the increased help from Michelle, you can handle the days comfortably. We will see if Karen is willing to come back, if not, we will hire someone else."

"Yes to Michelle, no to Karen. I really should try to be the kind of mother I was to my kids. If Karen was here, I might easily let her do all the caring of Hailey. I can't let that happen again. I need to work on my relationship with my daughter."

Kevin smiled when I said, "My daughter." His perfect teeth glimmered in his mouth. It had actually hurt me a bit to say it, but I had to accept I never was going to see Ben and Lil' Dee again. I needed to embrace my changed role in life. I had to move on.

When the sun came up, Kevin went over to Doug's house; it was close to 7:00am. He wanted to pick up his daughter. Doug protested, ruminating over the idea of Hailey being left with me. Doug then said some pretty spiteful things about me. Kevin listened for some time, then he stopped him. I know it was hard for him, because he rarely put Doug in his place, but he told me he had. I was so proud of him.

Kevin swung by home to pick me up. Although we were heavily sleep deprived, we were determined to make the most of the day. He called into work, something he had only done one other time in his career for Hewlett Packer. He said it would be beneficial for our family to spend the day together.

We drove to Portland and spent the day at the Oregon Zoo. I could tell Hailey treasured the time with us. Things had been very unconventional for her lately. I am sure she was confused to never have us home, then to have a stranger come and care for her. Doug said when he picked her up, she rarely ate the whole time he had her.

At the zoo, I tried to be kind, loving, and patient with Hailey. We visited every animal she was fascinated in. Hailey happily pushed herself in between Kevin and me and held both our hands. She joyfully skipped and bounced with every step she took. She wore a gigantic smile stretching across her face while she sung.

...

"Tell me how I was born," Hailey asked me. It had been a week since Kevin and I had gotten back together. I had been trying really hard to be a worthy mom to Hailey. The more labor I exerted into loving Hailey, the easier it became. Surprisingly, at times I found I didn't have to try. I could feel myself naturally admiring and loving the delightful little girl.

I lugged out Hailey's baby album and used it to answer Hailey's question. I plopped in the Luv-sac as Hailey climbed into my lap, her dark hair was wild. "Daddy and I were so excited to have you. We had waited many years to be your mommy and daddy. We knew if we wanted the very best, most perfect kid out there, than we had to wait. Finally, God told us we didn't need to wait anymore. He blessed us with the most beautiful baby in the world!"

Hailey delighted in my story, "That was me, huh mommy! I was the butifulest baby in world!"

I squeezed Hailey tight, "It sure was you!"

Hailey got up and excitedly ran in circles around me.

I found raising Hailey so unlike raising Ben and Lil' Dee. With my other two children, I had innumerable amount of distractions. I had the PTA to run and church responsibilities to meet. Those held a huge chunk of my time. I had a home to clean and dinners to prepare. Now, I didn't have any of those demands. I could focus all of my time to Hailey. Another notable contrast was raising two kids versus raising one. Ben and Lil' Dee entertained each other very often. Hailey didn't seem to know how to entertain herself; however, it was nice to not have sibyl rivalry.

### CHAPTER 31

One cold day, I took Hailey to visit her grandpa. As we walked the halls of Corvallis Manor, I pointed out all of the various Thanksgiving decorations. "Can we put turkeys on our walls?" Hailey asked. She seemed delighted to the festive décor of the nursing home.

"Maybe," I replied as we advanced to Dad's room. On our way, we passed Trina who was lounging in the hall. Trina flexed her muscles and rambled out a joyful greeting. I looked over at her then quickly looked away. I was very uncomfortable around Trina. I could never understand what she was saying, and I would rather not be bothered. I knew Kevin had a tender spot for her, and that was fine; just as long as I didn't have to be involved. I muttered hi, then hastily ducked into Dad's room.

No one was in there. I turned around and headed to the activity room. I avoided looking at Trina as we passed by again. I just wasn't a compassionate person. I had no room for that value in me. I found the residents in the activity room playing bingo. The game was ran by a teenage volunteer.

"B7," the volunteer called out. "Check your cards for B7." I spotted Dad, his white hair billowed everywhere. He had four cards in front of him. Dad could only slightly follow along; Bill sat next to him, giving him an extra hand.

"Hi Dad," I said as I sat. Dad glared at me and turned back to his game. His attention was in the cards, even though he barely understood them. Bill gave me a warm greeting.

"Look Dad, Hailey has come to say hi." Dad didn't look up; he didn't seem to have patience for us. He scowled at our intrusion and again turned back to his cards. "Dad," I said a little more firmly, "Hailey came to say hi."

"Shhhhh!" Dad growled. I could see no one had put his dentures in for the day. "I can't hear the numbers."

Meanwhile, Bill un-wrapped a stale cookie and handed it to Hailey. "Here you go, you little princess. You can have my prize, I can't eat it." Hailey greedily took the offered treat in her plump hand. I was hesitant to let my daughter eat it. I hadn't forgotten the snotty Kleenex accompanying Bill's last goody offer. Hailey ravenously devoured the cookie, unaware of my reluctance. Crumbs trickled down her cheek, frosting smeared all over her face and hands.

"O66, check your cards for O66," bellowed the teen.

"Bingo," Gladiolus called from the corner. "I have Bingo." The teen stopped the game and carried a giant basket to the women. It was loaded with cookies, candy bars, treats, combs, knick knacks, tooth brushes, lip stick, finger nail polish, socks, and stationary. Gladiolus took her sweet time as she picked up and examined each prize. She seemed oblivious the entire game was waiting on her.

Simultaneously, I looked and noticed Dad had O66s on two cards. I picked up two beans and placed them on his card. Offended, he glanced over at me. I smiled at him, hoping he would be pleased with my help.

Plucking the newly laid beans off his card, Dad chided me. "What are you doing touching my cards? If you want to play, get your own cards." Dad was yelling so loud everyone glared over at us. Gladiolus dropped the socks back in the basket to stare in our direction.

"Sorry, Dad, I was trying to help." I whispered.

"What makes you think I need your help?" Dad scolded back.

Hailey approached Bill's pile and sneaked a candy bar. Bill laughed at her slippery hand.

Frustrated, I stood up and snagged Hailey's chubby hand. Embarrassed by my daughter's thievery, I yanked the chocolate away and slipped it back into Bill's pile.

"It's okay," Bill said picking up the confection and returning it to Hailey. It must have been confusing to Hailey, for she turned her head into my thighs and bellowed. The residents in the room continued to watch all the commotion coming from Dad's table. A few people put their fingers to their lips and shushed Hailey. They took their Bingo seriously and didn't like all the distractions from us.

I reached my breaking point. I impetuously stood up; my momentum crashed the chair to the floor. The bang rang out in the room. Everyone seemed to be frowning at me; they were ready for me to leave. When I bent to pick up the chair, I knocked Dad's cup of beans over. The little red ovals scattered all over the table and a few fell to the floor. They were everywhere.

"Hey, watch it, you," Dad cursed, his face looked demonic.

I could feel the tears well up behind my eyes. I held them in. I had to get out of there, and quick. I seized Hailey's hand and yanked her toward the door. Scared, Hailey caterwauled even louder then she had been. In the corner, there had been a CNA observing the whole thing; he followed us out.

"Hey, are you alright?" the CNA asked. "Don't take off, Ron is always asking for you."

As I turned to the CNA, I wiped the tears away from my eyes. He stood a little taller than me. He also looked roughly ten years older. He had a marbled mix of black and white hair. His bottom teeth were all replaced by silver caps. His ears were both gauged and he wore several bracelets. Due to his mouth's hardware, he talked with a slight lisp. I found myself actually enthralled with his personality and strange mannerism. His presence distracted me from my humiliation.

"Listen, don't let Ron get you down. He is a crotchety old man; don't let that get to you. You have to know how to handle men like that."

I felt offended the CNA would talk so bluntly about Dad. Without regards to boundaries, the CNA grabbed me by the arm and directed me back to the activity room. I twisted my arm free, I wasn't about to go back in there. I stood outside the door in the hall. I watched as the CNA went in and grabbed the back of Dad's chair and wheeled him away from his relished spot.

"Hey you!" Dad yelled. "What are you doing? I am playing bingo." He madly swung his arms to knock the CNA away. His reflexes and strength were too weak, his fit got him nowhere.

"Not anymore," the CNA said. "You are coming with me."

"I will tend your cards for you," Bill offered as the CNA wheeled Dad away.

The aid pushed Dad out of the activity room and toward the outer court of the nursing home. Dad yelled and hollered the whole way there. Hailey and I had to jog to keep up.

"What is your name?" I asked. I needed his name for when I registered a complaint against him. I didn't like the rough way he handled Dad. His appearance was unprofessional and so was his attitude.

"I am Josh. Josh the contender. You sure look young to have such an old dad."

"Yeah, I missed out on being raised by young parents. My parents had tried to get pregnant. The doctors told them they would never have a baby. When Mom was older, she had a great big surprise. ME! They didn't mind that all of their friends were becoming grandparents as they were preparing to be first time parents. They were so enthusiastic to be having a baby."

"Man, I would hate to have my parents so old. I go hunting and fishing and all sorts of activities with my father. What became of your mother?" Josh asked, intruding on my privacy.

Although annoyed, I replied, for I liked having someone to talk to, even if it was 'Josh the Contender'. "Mom had a stroke a year ago. Up to that point, she was so active and involved in life. She said I kept her young. Mom still went on walks and stayed involved at the Senior Center. The stroke stole a great deal of life from her. She only lived for a few months after the stroke, then she died. Her death overwhelmed me. She had been caring for Dad; he has been regressing with dementia for almost ten years. When she died, we had to put Dad here. Dad went to her funeral. He thought it was his sister's funeral. He doesn't even understand mom is deceased. He perpetually was asking for her. He would get mad when she didn't return to him at night. He thought she was out on the town living it up. We stopped telling him mom had died. Every time we told him, it was like the first time for him. He would bawl and bawl and wouldn't eat. Now we say, she is at the church, tying quilts." I stopped and thought for a minute. That was how Mom had died in the other time line. I wondered how she had died in this one. I would have to ask Kevin.

"I will have to remember that response. Ron asks for you and his wife all of the time," Josh laughed; because something he thought of must have brought him a great deal of amusement. "You know, there is a lady here named Lena, and she has Alzheimer's. Lena uses a great big Merry Walker."

"A what?"

"A Merry Walker, you know, like an activity walker for a baby. When she loses balance, the design forces her onto her seat, keeping her from falling. It's pretty cool, anyways back to the story. Ron thinks Lena is his wife. Whenever he sees her, he will grab her Merry Walker with one hand, while he moves his wheel chair with the other. Ron will drag Lena's Merry Walker down the hall. I tell you, it's one of the funniest sights you ever saw. Sometimes Lena protest, but her voice is so soft, and no one can understand a word she says. We usually let Ron take her around. We got to watch him, though. We did catch him trying to undress her and get her ready for bed."

I laughed at the vision of Dad mistaking someone else for Mom. Josh knuckled Dad's rounded shoulder. "You old devil you." Dad had quit wailing and was comfortably enjoying the push to the outer court yard; the bingo game long forgotten. Once there, Josh parked Dad next to a cement bench.

"Look Ron, your cute granddaughter has come to visit you." Josh held Dad's wrinkled hand as he talked with him. He motioned for Hailey to come stand in front of Dad. Hailey held out her sausage-like fingers in her grandpa's face.

"Look at my nails, they are pretty," Hailey said with a huge grin, one that exposed her gapping teeth.

"Aren't you a doll?" Dad's whole demeanor had changed. Hailey warmed up to him easily, because she usually wasn't shy with adults. She climbed into his lap and rubbed his cheeks. I noticed the power Hailey magically possessed over Dad. He glowed with her on his lap. Hailey brought out an enormous smile on his face. He told Hailey stories and the two of them were enthralled with each other. Sometimes, Hailey took a turn telling Dad stories. I sure loved Dad and watching them interact germinated my love for Hailey to sprout.

Josh noticed the tiny goose bumps rising on Dad's thin skin. "Look at you, old man, you need a sweater. I will go grab you one out of your room." Josh left while we bonded with Dad.

"How is Kevin?" Dad asked me. I coughed out loud as I chocked on my spit. I was flabbergasted by his sudden recollection. Was this the same grouch from the bingo game?

"Kevin is doing well, Dad. How about you, how are you doing?"

Dad lifted Hailey up shifting her weight on his legs. "I am okay, I guess. You know, it's a funny thing. I use to curse my house. Your mom and I bought it when we were first married. We didn't have much money, and it was all we could afford. I spent our whole marriage trying to get your mom to sell it, so we could move into a bigger home. Your mom would never let me, she said she had established roots and she wouldn't uproot them. I disliked that house, and I didn't enjoy being tied down to it." Dad glanced off in the distance as he reminisced about better times. His eyes filled with tears as he peered over to me. "I would give anything to be back in that old dump. That home was a mansion compared to the tiny room I have here. Plus, I even have to share my room. Don't get me wrong, I like Bill, but he snores. He is constantly eating and watches T.V all of the time. What I would give to have you take me home to live. How about it? I would like to move back home."

Dad's question pulled at my heart strings. The tears in his eyes overpowered me. I had only seen tears in his eyes three times. Suddenly, I was overcome with guilt. I probably should keep Dad at home and care for him. I was slightly selfish and didn't want to be tied to caring for an old man with dementia. Caring for Dad would require around the clock supervision. I glanced at him; he quietly waited for me to agree to move him back home. Promptly, I turned to avoid his eyes. I didn't want to break his heart by saying no.

Josh returned just in time with Dad's jacket and a throw blanket. He delicately dressed Dad into the brown pull over. Gently, he lifted Hailey up while he draped the multiple-colored blanket over Dad's yellow legs. Tucking the sides of the blanket under his knees, Josh worked at keeping Dad warm. He gave Dad a massive squeeze then he went back into the care center. Watching Josh's softness and obvious empathy for Dad, I felt I had misjudged him. Despite his blunt personality; he really did have tender feelings for Dad and knew how to handle him.

Looking back at Dad, I was debating the gentlest way to inform him I couldn't take him home. Dad readjusted his blanket and asked. "Where is your mother? I book us in this nice resort and she runs off to the spa. How long will she be?"

I was relieved to have Dad lost in reality again. I was dreading crushing his spirits. I had enjoyed the split moment in time when my father's brain had awoke. We stayed with Dad for an hour more. Josh finally returned for Dad.

"It's lunch time, Buddy, let's go get a bite. You can stay if you want," Josh offered me.

"No thank you, we really should get running." Josh was holding the handles on Dad's wheelchair. I rested my hand on top of Josh's. "Thank you," I said.

" -doing my job," Josh replied as he wheeled Dad inside.

...

I met Kevin for lunch at the Pastini Pastaria. I was thrilled to steal an hour of his time in the middle of the day.

"How has your day been?" Kevin asked as he shoveled a bite of chicken parmesan in his mouth while a little food got stuck on his thin upper lip. The food looked so enticing and smelled so rich and wonderful. The taste was exquisite, even better than mom's.

"Today has been so terrific!" I told Kevin all about our visit with Dad at the nursing home. I could tell Kevin was pleased to notice the joy and life return to my countenance. Also, Hailey seemed happy and was even wearing panties again. Life was getting back on track for them, and I was trying to hang on alongside of them.

I attempted to assist Hailey with finishing her spaghetti. Hailey was more enthralled in playing with her spoon. The kid meal ended up being a burn of money. Not wanting to waste it, I found myself eating Hailey's meal.

"Doug will be by at 5:00 for dinner. Let Michelle know to set an extra spot for him." It had been two weeks since Doug had been over. I was uncomfortable with the idea of dinner with Kevin's brother without Kevin there. I nodded, trying to hide my discomfort.

"I forgot to tell you, the realtor called today. We have an offer for Dad's house. It is ten thousand under asking price. I say we take it."

I immediately sat up tall; his news caught me off guard. We had talked about selling my parent's home. The more I envisioned the idea, the more I was bothered by it. I had been raised in that home, and I had tons of fond and warm memories enlaced in my childhood home. As I sipped a drink of my frosty piña colada, I also realized the home was my last solid connection to Ben and Lil' Dee. If I sold my home, I would lose my last physical hold to my children. As I twirled the little cocktail umbrella, I couldn't imagine driving by the house and seeing another family in it. The vision saddened me.

"Kevin, I want to keep the house."

"Why in heavens would you want to do that? We are living in our dream house. You want to move into your parent's pit?"

"Hear me out, Kevin. I thought we could keep the house for you. You work such late hours during the week. There really is no point to you driving all the way back to Newport every night. I never see you anyways. I am asleep when you get home, and I am still asleep when you leave. You might as well sleep at Dad's during the week and save yourself an unnecessary commute."

He contemplated what I said. He said he actually liked the idea of staying in Corvallis during the week. The commute after his drawn out days were taking their toll on him. He told me he constantly felt exhausted. The other night he said he had almost fallen asleep on his late night drive.

"Well, if you are okay with the idea of me not coming home, I can be okay with it as well. I just thought you needed me during this time."

"We will come and stay with you sometimes," I said.

Our waiter came over to our table. He was carrying a selection of delicious deserts. "Can I interest you in our fine selection of deserts?" Dustin had really pampered us during our visit. Kevin came to Pastini Pastaria more for Dustin's service, than for the food.

"I don't know, they sure look tasty," I said eyeing the tray of tempting delights.

"Pick any desert you want," Dustin said, flirting with me. "It's on me today." I smiled and pointed to the Black Forest Cake. "-Excellent choice," he commended me.

The lunch ended well.

### CHAPTER 32

In the formal dining room, Michelle stretched over the table and lit the burgundy taper candles, her long hair dangling ever so close to the flames. The tension in the room was thick. Doug had barely said a word since he had arrived. I had Michelle make harvest stew, which had been cleverly cooked inside a pumpkin. It was festive and aromatic. The house smelled savory and inviting when Doug came in. The fresh rolls were displayed in a hen basket on the table. There were baked apples topped with gooey marshmallow. The meal looked like I was trying to win Doug's favor back, and I am sure he enjoyed seeing me grovel at his feet.

Doug sat his slim body down without saying a word to me. He talked a bit to Hailey, and she was excited to sit by him and show him pictures. Dinner hadn't been going very long when she ran off to her room. She told him she had a very special present for him, but she forgot to return. Doug and I ate without even looking at each other.

Midway during dinner, I couldn't tolerate the uncomfortable silence any more. If all Doug planned on doing was to ignore me, he shouldn't have come over. Finally, I had to break the silence. "I am going shopping in Portland tomorrow. I would love it if you came," I talked out of my clenched teeth. I would prefer to go alone, but I was fishing for anything to chip away at Doug's wall. I wanted to prove to Kevin I was trying, as painful as it was. Since shopping wasn't his thing, I didn't plan on the invitation being accepted.

Doug sipped the stew off his spoon. "Very tasty stew," he said. I felt bugged her ignored me. Just then, Hailey returned. She had forgotten the present.

Hailey grabbed her bowl of food and took it over to Doug and dropped it on the table. A little bit sloshed out. "Hold you," Hailey called out in her own way of asking to be held. She climbed into Doug's bony lap. Picking up his niece, Doug kissed the top of her head.

"Sure, I would love to spend the day with Hailey and you tomorrow," Doug finally replied.

As Hailey perched her rounded body in Doug's lap, she tried to eat her stew. Liquid on a spoon was a task she was still mastering. In her graceful attempts, she spilled the hot stew all over Doug's lap.

"Oh no," he called out as he pushed her off and stood up, while he did this, Hailey's elbow knocked the rest of the soup all over her and Doug. I had to look away, for it was all I could do to not laugh. I wanted to reward Hailey for her awkwardness.

"Sorry Dougie, sorry," Hailey said. The thick stew spread over the fall table cloth and dripped to the floor.

Doug picked a meatball off his shirt and ate it. Hailey laughed. "No big deal," he said. He began to laugh and laugh. Since he was laughing, I joined in. By the end of the meal, the mood had changed.

"Can you lend me something out of Kevin's closet?" he asked.

"I don't think you will fit," I said, trying to make a joke. There was silence, for the joke was lost on him. I felt stupid as he stared at me. "Never mind, yes, I will go grab something."

Leaving the mess to Michelle, I rummaged through Kevin's closet and found the ugliest pants and shirt he had. I took them to Doug.

...

The next day, Hailey found herself busily fixing the pluming at Bridgetown, inside the Portland Children's Museum. She picked up the wrench and turned it to the left and to the right. She used it a while then she searched through the box of tools for something else and found the measuring tape. Blundering, she gripped it as she stretched it out as far as her arms would go. Just then, a little spiky haired boy came over and stole it from Hailey.

"Give it back, you stupid!" Hailey yelled.

Swiftly, I rose from the bench and was about to make my way over to the fight when the boy's mother interceded. The mother spanked the boy and whisked him away. Happy again, Hailey continued fixing the plumbing.

I took my seat back next to Doug. Doug was in a very good mood, and he had chatted the whole way to Portland. At times, I even engaged in the conversation. Never in my entire life had Doug and I gossiped like friends. I had no idea it would feel so fulfilling to connect with him.

Hailey dive bombed into my lap. "Let's go somewhere else," she cheerfully suggested.

I popped right up; Doug needed a little more time to rise off the wooden bench. I rubbed my sore backside. We had been at the Portland Children's Museum for two hours. I was beyond ready to leave. The absolute chaos from hordes of kids was more than I could take. I was at my breaking point. My temples pulsated rapidly.

"How about we go shopping now?" Doug offered.

Hailey pouted, for she disliked shopping and wanted to stay at the museum. "No, go, wanna play."

"Come on Hailey, Uncle Dougie is tired; we need to do something else. If you are a good girl, I will buy you a fancy dress."

Hailey pushed out her lower lip and tightly folded her arms. "Play," she again insisted.

"Doug, why don't we compromise with Hailey? We give her one more activity, then she leaves without a fit."

"Anything for Hailey," he said.

"Hailey, one more activity, and then we leave without a fit," I bargained.

"Yippee, I want to go to the play dough." Hailey jumped up and down, for she had an endless fountain of energy.

"I think she means the clay room," I said as we turned and headed to mold clay with our hands.

...

Doug was in heaven at the Lloyd Center. I had no idea he was such a shopper. I didn't know much about him, because I had never tried. He loved hitting all of the specialty shops. After seeing my ruffled hair at Charlotte Russe, he insisted I and Hailey got to Nordstrom and get a makeover. It seemed such a weird offer from my brother in law, but for the kicks, I went with Hailey and they beautified us. Hailey was deathly bored, and ran off three times. She also spilled a sample of perfume all over the carpet. I really had to fight with my emotions, because Hailey was embarrassing me. Never would my kids act so unruly. Doug finally promised her a trip to Captain Henry's Pirate Store if she would show manners, and she finally did.

At Captain Henry's, Hailey picked out a pirate scarf and wrapped it around her head. She spent the rest of the time saying, "Arghhhh" to absolutely everyone who passed us. Most people thought she was cute, while others ignored her. When that happened, she would "Arghhhh" even louder.

The trip at the mall took four hours. We were all exhausted by the end. We decided to stop at Jamba Juice on the way out for a smoothie then hopped in the car for the long drive home. The outing had been a positive experience for everyone. Even Hailey had enjoyed it.

### CHAPTER 33

Time flew by and Thanksgiving had arrived. Doug had gone to Connecticut to visit some family. Meanwhile, I had spent the whole morning in the kitchen with Michelle, Kevin, and Hailey preparing our Thanksgiving feast. We were making the dinner in Dad's home, so he could have it there. That was the first full Thanksgiving dinner I had ever prepared. I had always gone to Connecticut to see Kevin's side, or we had joined my mother's feast. I found myself really enjoying planning the menu and cooking it. I felt like I was in an article out of Better Homes and Garden. I even created easy jobs for Hailey to do. Hailey got to arrange the veggie tray and did a 'creative' job at it. I stirred the Jell-O and mashed the potatoes. I cooked parker house roles, several salads, and the pies. Kevin was in charge of the Turkey and the candied sweet potatoes. Michelle cooked the walnut stuffing, green bean casserole, turkey gravy, and cleaned all of the dishes. Everyone doubled the recipes on their assigned food, because Michelle was taking half of the food home to her family. Her mom was a little upset with Michelle working on Thanksgiving, but she was appeased when told Michelle could bring Thanksgiving dinner home. She liked the idea of _not_ cooking Thanksgiving dinner.

When the dinner was close to being ready, we left Michelle at the house to finish up, while we went to Corvallis Manor to pick up Dad. Michelle put the final touches to the meal.

I was so tickled to do the dinner in Dad's home. I envisioned wheeling him into the home teary eyed. He would be so gracious to the meal I had laid out. I rubbed my dry hands back and forth in excitement. I wanted him to notice the grinding work I had done with the renovations. I desperately wanted his approval.

Waiting in his room, Dad looked freshly shaved, and he had on a light brown cardigan sweater. The aids had bathed him in some cheap bathroom cologne, the smell was overpowering. Hailey ran over to him and flung her thick arms around his neck. "Grandpa!" she called out.

"Aren't you a cute little dew drop," Dad said. "Is that your mother?" Dad asked pointing to me.

I strolled over to him, bent over and pecked his cheek. "Hi, Dad, are you ready for Thanksgiving?"

"Sure am," Dad replied. I noticed someone had combed his hair with pomade. He looked dashingly handsome. I could feel myself get chocked up.

With his skeletal fingers, Kevin gripped Dad's chair and wheeled him out of the room. On our way to the exit, we passed the dining room. Dad flipped his break on his chair. "Woo, where you going, dinner is that way?" he said, as he turned his chair.

"Oh no, Dad, we are eating at your house today. We have slaved all morning creating the perfect dinner for you," Kevin said and tried to turn Dad's chair back into the direction of the doors.

"No, I am having Thanksgiving here. This is where I eat all of my meals." Dad again turned his chair and headed back toward the dining room. Kevin let go of his chair and shrugged his shoulders. He didn't know what to do.

"Josh, the aid, taught me how to deal with Dad. You just grab his chair and make him go. He might fight a little bit, but in the end, he complies," I said instructing Kevin.

Kevin hesitantly seized Dad's wheel chair handles again. I am sure he didn't like the idea of forcing his father in-law to come. He shoved the wheel chair in the direction of the parking lot. Dad roared in protest to his abductors. He reminded me of one of Hailey's fits. "I am not going to go with you anywhere. I am going to have dinner at the 'club' and no one is going to stop me!"

Dad bickered relentlessly. Kevin released the wheelchair, unable to hold Dad against his will. A couple of CNA's showed up in the hall to investigate the commotion.

"Look Ron, your kids have come to take you to Thanksgiving dinner," the red head aid said.

"Yeah, won't it be fun! You have been waiting all day for this." The blond said as she bent over Dad to talk to him eye to eye. Dad looked over at her and said, "Listen, I am only twenty two. I don't have any children. Now if you'll all get out of my blasted way, I am late for dinner." Dad wheeled around everyone and went into the dining room and up to his table.

I felt devastated. I had slaved over the perfect feast to honor Dad. Putting my head against Kevin's shallow chest, I didn't know what to do. Dad had ruined my whole Thanksgiving. The blond CNA came over to me.

"It's okay; Ron is like that to everyone. Deep inside, his spirit recognizes your spirit. Listen, why don't you guys come join us for dinner. The cooks have labored all morning at preparing a special Thanksgiving for our residents. We have a live band that has volunteered their time to bless these dear people's lives. It will be a pleasant experience. Deloris and Peggy aren't here today, so you can take their spots at the table."

I turned and looked at Kevin. With my eyes, I was asking him what to do. Kevin responded, "It's your Dad, this has to be your call. I will be fine with whatever decision you make."

"What about the dinner we made?" I whined.

"We will eat it tomorrow." Kevin grinned and winked to let me know things were going to be okay. I looked at Hailey who was so bubbly, she wouldn't notice if we ate at a nursing home or grandpa's old house. Trying to simplify things, I grabbed Kevin's bony hand and Hailey's plump hand and led them to Dad's table.

Dad was surprisingly pleasant when everyone sat next to him. He introduced himself and talked about when he used to work as a butler. Dad had never been a butler. Kevin responded to Dad's fable and asked questions accordingly. Dad proudly related how he had worked under a billionaire by the name of Rodger Jones. He became largely animated when he told how Rodger had died and willed his billions to him. Sadly, the crooked lawyers had swindled him out of most of the money. I chuckled at Dad's delusion. As a child, I begged Dad to tell me stories. Every time he refused; he said he was not creative enough to make them up. When the entertainment arrived, Dad stopped talking and sang along with the music. His face sparkled as he relived memories through the songs.

After the concert ended, the residents lingered about. Dessert had been served, and most of the dirty dishes had been removed. The staff did an excellent job waiting on everyone. The mood was so serene and the music had lifted everyone's spirits, none of the resident's seemed ready to retire to their lonely rooms. Many of the residents called out for a bingo game.

"Sorry guys," the blond aid said. "There is no one here to call bingo."

"You can call it," a lady with a notable application of makeup said.

"Sorry, Mable, I have to bathe Claudia right now."

"Oh please, bingo would be perfect," another resident pleaded.

"I can call bingo," Kevin volunteered. "In fact, I have some trinkets I picked up from India in the car. How about I donate them to your prize basket?"

The resident's cheered and clapped their hands. They were going to get their beloved game. The staff carried out the bingo supplies and hastily explained the rules to Kevin. Then a massive basket filled with treasures and treats arrived. Hailey became the basket girl, while my job was to carry it over for her to the bingo winners. She kept trying to push me away and carry the basket by herself. The residents got a huge kick out of seeing her lug the heavy, oversized basket. Hailey had to drag it as she went. It was such a task for her she would often dump out half the contents. Scrambling as fast as she could, she picked them up and returned them to the basket. She was proud of her duty and wouldn't relinquish it for anything.

After the game, Kevin laid Dad down for a nap. The turkey had enveloped him in a sleepy mood. Kevin made a quick stop to say hi to Trina, for he had some jewelry from India for her.

"Happy Thanksgiving," he told her. Trina looked over at him and squealed in delight, her muscles shaking. "I wanted to give you something special for the holiday." Kevin dug into his pocket and pulled out a diamond necklace. Trina's eyes widened.

"And yes, they are real diamonds." He undid the clasp and slipped the dainty chain around her neck. They looked absolutely divine on her.

Kevin stared down at Trina for several minutes. He wiped his brown hair out of his face. When he went to talk, he had to choke back the tears. "A beautiful necklace, for a beautiful woman. Thank you for teaching me about love," he said. He bent over and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"You didn't see the kiss," he said jokingly to me.

"What kiss?" I said, trying to play along.

Trina squealed in delight.

We walked away. I peered back at her as I saw a glimmering tear seep out of Trina's left eye.

We got in the car and headed back to Dad's old home. "That was the most amusing Thanksgiving Day I have ever had," I said as I peered out the rain soaked window of the Lexus. I looked back at Hailey who had already fallen asleep. It had zapped all of her energy to lug the heavy basket. Hailey's neck was crooked to the side. I sympathized over the strain she would have when she woke up as I tried to readjust her neck.

Kevin responded, "That was a fun thanksgiving, it taught me a lot about service. However, it was the worst thanksgiving dinner that I have ever eaten. Everything was soooo dry."

I had to agree. I couldn't wait to dive into a real meal later that night.

### CHAPTER 34

December arrived and I tried to create more things to do. I went to Corvallis Manor twice a week to visit Dad. Disappointedly, Dad never again remembered who I was; none the less, I still visited. I would come during bingo because Hailey had become the official 'basket girl'. Some visits with Dad were nice. Some were strained. During the challenging ones, I would turn my attention to Bill. I had formed a soft place in my heart for Dad's roommate. I even ate his offered treats. After my visit with Dad, I would meet Kevin for lunch. Our biweekly lunches helped me not miss him as bad.

Somewhere in early December, Doug had showed up to the house. He had become devastated over a few pounds he had put on eating all of the holiday goodies. I swear he acted more like a girl than a man. He came up with the idea of becoming walking partners with me. He arrived every morning at 9am for us to go walking. We took turns pushing Hailey in the stroller. I found it was becoming easier to talk with Doug. We even had a few fun times together.

My heart was expanding for Hailey and Doug. For the first time in my life, I started to love my husband's brother. As for Hailey, I could really be grateful for the cute little toddler. Hailey was unique compared to my other kids; however, her difference added to her cute personality. Hailey slept with me the nights Kevin didn't come home. I started to see Hailey as my baby. I found when I chose to let Hailey in, my disintegrated heart healed.

Sadly, On December eighteenth, Dad became hospitalized with phenomena. His condition did not merit any promise. His worn out body struggled to fight the infection. I spent the whole day at the Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center. My own mien was particularly low. I had suffered an exceptional amount of losses over the last year. I had to bury Mom and allocate Dad to a nursing home. The loss of Ben and Lil' Dee devastated me. Now, I had the stress with Dad in the hospital.

"I don't think I can handle loosing Dad right now," I told Kevin over the phone. I looked over at my heavily sedated dad. The clicking of equipment hummed in the back ground. I ate a bite of food off of Dad's tray. He wouldn't wake to eat it because of the pain medications. The nurses told me I might as well not let it go to waste.

"Will you be there for me when Dad goes?" I asked Kevin over the phone.

I heard him reply, "Of course I will, I will hold your hand every step of the way."

"I can't do it without you. I have to lean on you. I have gone through too much already. I can't lose Dad."

"I know sweetie, I know."

"Will you promise me you will take time off work when he dies? I need you, and I can't be alone."

"Consider it done."

"Thank you, honey."

"I love you, goodnight."

"Goodnight. Love you too."

...

Four days before Christmas, Dad's condition worsened as multiple organs began to weaken. The doctors gave him two months to live. I tried to spend all my free time at the hospital. Dad was slipping away, and he was tugging my heart with him.

The next morning, I was particularly worn out after my walk with Doug. When we returned, I rushed into the bathroom to get ready for the day. I planned to go and visit Dad. Doug stayed out with Hailey and read her stories. He could see I was running low, so he offered to accompany me on my visit. I agreed.

After a two hour visit at the hospital, Doug took Hailey and me to LaRue's Spa. He thought a nice facial and up-do would raise my spirits. We went in and immediately were seated in side-by-side chairs. He was going to get a haircut. Hailey sat on the other side of me. The establishment was void of any other costumers.

My hair was in the dryer when the beauticians began to act noticeably weird. They kept ducking to the far-back of the salon. Hailey sucked on a sucker while she drew giant circles in a coloring book. By this point, Doug was around the petition in the waiting room. His hair cut had long since finished.

I watched the beauticians as they kept sneaking glances at me. What were they up to? Things were so weird.

I almost fell off my seat when I saw the reason to all their commotion. There she was, secretly trying to steal a peak; Deidre Larson Bill. My heart raced in my chest as I sweat heavily. I looked around for Doug then remembered he was around front. I reached for Hailey's plush hand and held it.

Pretending not to notice, I picked up a magazine. I flipped it open to an overly skinny model. Attempting to concentrate on the pictures, my thoughts turned to Deidre. How dare Deidre put a restraining order on me? How dare she treat me so horribly? I shook, for I couldn't sit there anymore as Deidre fabricated terrible stories about me to her coworkers. I peered up and saw a veil of hate from all the employees. Defensively, I stood up and walked toward the far-back. I wanted to clear the air of whatever lies Deidre was feeding them. I heard Deidre scream as I approached and two buff beauticians confronted me. They flared out their arms to appear massive and threatening.

"You don't belong here," one of them said.

"You know what, this isn't your fight," I replied. I tried to walk past them. Hailey was afraid of the excitement and ran to the front to find Doug.

Deidre's 'body guards' pushed me into the wall. I saw Deidre pick up her phone.

"Stacey," Doug yelled out as he came to the back of the studio.

One of them grabbed my shoulder and shoved me to the floor. A loud bang echoed in the salon as my head met the tile. I saw a flash of lights.

"Mommy," Hailey cried out as she tried to run to me. Doug caught her and held her close.

"Back off," he yelled at the women. "How dare you ladies treat your customers like this."

One of the ladies went over to me and kicked me in the side. "Get up you wimp. You stole Deidre's fiancé at the altar. That is the dirtiest thing to do."

Soon, two other beauticians surrounded my limp body. I held still, too scared to move. I wrapped my arms over my head to protect myself. Meanwhile, Deidre continued to cower in the far-back. Bewildered, Doug had no idea what was going on. He hiked Hailey on his hip, then went to my side. He pushed the women away.

"Don't you touch her again." he warned. He helped me up. I was hyperventilating. As I tried to catch my breath, two police officers walked into the back.

"Oh good, oh good, we need your help," Doug said, motioning the officers to come over. "Please help us."

"I am Officer Clark Fisher," one officer said.

"I am Officer Nathan Haddock, what is going on here?" he asked. "Where is Deidre Bill?"

Deidre came out from the far-back.

"Are you the one who called?" he asked.

She held her body tight. "Yes."

"First of all, are you okay? Do we need to bring an ambulance in?"

"I don't need an ambulance, but I can hardly think because I am so scared. If you look up my information you will see I have a restraining order against Stacey Caldwell. She has been harassing me and now she followed me to my work where she attacked me."

"I did not!" I screamed.

"She sure did," a beautician said. "She has been walking by this salon for a few days now, stalking Deidre," another said. "She came in here today and attacked Deidre."

"I didn't even touch Deidre. She stayed in the far-back the whole time," I argued.

"I want to press charges. I am so scared," Deidre wailed. She twisted her face in pain, as if she really thought they would believe her.

"Can I see your ID?" Officer Nathan asked me. I opened my purse and pulled out my driver's license. My hands were shaking so hard I could hardly hold onto it.

"Come outside with me while I check you record," he commanded me.

"I will stay in and get the ladies' statements," Officer Clark Fisher said.

"What is going on?" Doug asked. Officer Nathan walked past him. I followed Officer Nathan outside. He went into his car for several minutes then came back out.

"Are you aware there is a restraining order on you against Deidre Bill?"

"Yes, but I don't deserve it, for I have never hurt her."

"Do you understand by going into her place of employment violates your restraining order? To add to it, they say you attacked her."

"I didn't know she worked here."

"Are you willing to make a statement?"

"You bet I am."

"So am I," Doug said. He had followed us out.

The officer gave us each a sheet of paper where we wrote down our statements. Officer Clark Fisher came out holding the beautician's statements. The two looked over them together. Officer Nathan went back to his car and sat in it for what seemed like forever. He finally came out.

"Stacey Caldwell, you are under arrest. Please put your hands behind your back."

"Under arrest?" Doug shouted. "Under arrest? These women beat her up. You are arresting the wrong person. Arrest them." While Doug yelled, I leaned on him for support, for I felt like I was going to pass out.

The officer put the cold handcuffs against my skin and secured them very tightly. It didn't feel like he left room for circulation, for they hurt and my fingers tingled. Clapping broke out in the salon as the beauticians stood in their doorway and cheered to the officer's words.

Hailey ran over to my side and latched on to my leg. "Don't take my mommy."

"You can't do this; you are arresting the wrong person. Those women over there beat her up. Stacey didn't do a thing. She DIDN'T DO A THING! And you arrest her? You have it all wrong."

Officer Nathan lifted his radio up to his mouth. "Listen, do I need to call in back up. I can have you arrested too. I suggest you zip your trap. I am doing my job." Now kindly pull your daughter off her."

Doug pulled Hailey away from me as she screamed even louder.

Officer Nathan put me in the back of the car. Just before the door closed, I heard Doug scream, "You will be hearing from my lawyer."

...

I tried to sleep on the hard cement bench in the dingy jail cell. With the commotion going on with my jail mates, it was difficult to slumber. Three of the women were incredibly large and their skin was plastered in tattoos, and short chopped hair with bad dye jobs. They were so similar you would have supposed they were sisters, or at least part of the same group. Watching them; however, suggested rivalries. The three look-a-likes couldn't stand each other. They spent most of their time heckling and picking petty fights. A couple of times, an officer had to step in and separate them.

I squeezed my legs insecurely. Not everyone in the cell seemed as tough as the three amigos. Worn out, I attempted to block out the arguing and let myself sleep. The cement was too uncomfortable, and the situation was too foreign. I became restless and couldn't endure it anymore. I popped up and approached the iron bars.

"Hey, I haven't had my phone call yet. I get one phone call. Please let me out to use the phone," I hollered out into the station, but none of the officers responded.

After I screeched for over five minutes, the largest of the ladies came over to me.

"Stuff it, Barbie, we are all tired of listening to you moan and cry."

I looked over at the mammoth woman who towered above my own medium frame. I said, "Listen, I am sorry to bother you. I just want to get home. I did nothing wrong, and I want my phone call."

"Join the club, princess, we are all innocent."

The other two tattooed woman came over to me and ganged up against me. Suddenly, the three rivals were on the same side.

"Yeah, we are all innocent," one bolstered out a huge laugh. Her hand slipped to her inner thigh, and she began frenziedly scratching, while she talked. "If you don't shut your trap, me and Tzeitel here are going to shut it for you."

Tzeitel pressed her sweaty body into me, sandwiching me in between her smelly frame and the bars. The wetness from Tzeitel's sudorific armpits dampened my chin. The slimy residue on my face made me want to blow chunks. Tzeitel's perspiration was rank.

The third amigo wasn't going to be left out of the fun. She came over to me and shoved her oily face into mine. Her breath was retched as it swelled into my nose.

"Ooo, look at Ms. Beverly Hills, are they being mean to you? Could it be because you think you are so much better than us? Maybe we should chop your hair short so you can join our club," she said as she clasped a handful of my brown hair.

How could three enemies so easily trade sides and become tenacious friends? I didn't fight back; I didn't want the three of them creaming me. Cowardly, I allowed them to poke, pull, and prod.

"I bet she has a lawyer," Tzeitel said.

"Let us all have a turn with your lawyer," the third amigo said.

The pressure of the bars became unbearable as they jammed into my side. An officer walked by and saw the situation I was in. "Hey ladies, cut it out. Leave the scared woman alone."

The amigos backed away, but only a few inches. Tzeitel straightened me up and encircled her arm over my shoulder.

"We are just playing; she likes it, doesn't you?"

I didn't respond. Of course I didn't like it, I hated it. However, since these were my mates for the time, I didn't need to piss them off any more than they were, so I nodded in affirmation.

"What about my phone call?" I asked. "I need to call my husband."

"No, I don't think so," the officer replied.

"Oh, come on Honey, the broad deserves a phone call," Tzeitel said in a mocking baby's voice.

"Please," I begged.

"Nope. Now, why don't you ladies get a long and learn how to play nicely." The officer turned his back to us. I wished he would stick around.

I wiggled out from underneath Tzeitel and went and sat on the bench. It was in my personality to argue for the rights to a phone call; however, I was scared of the gruesome trio and chose to hold my tongue. With their entertainment temporally over, the three ladies separated to opposite sides of the ring. Suddenly, they were all enemies again.

I shivered as I tried to stay warm. It was cold in jail and there were no blankets to warm up with. Finally, my body nodded off. I had been asleep for about fifteen minutes when I heard my name called. I straightened up and saw Kevin. I let out a joyous ululation and ran to the bars. The officer unlocked them, and I bound out of my cage.

"Don't forget to write, sweetheart," the third amigo called out.

"Oh honey, don't tell your husband about our game of hanky-panky; he might get jealous," Tzeitel added.

...

I rested at the kitchen table as Kevin folded a warm quilt over me. I had gotten out of the shower and was ready for something to eat. I was not sure I had ever showered for so long. After being in the nasty cell, no matter how hard I scrubbed, I couldn't feel clean. I had talked so little since Kevin had bailed me out of jail. I felt so small, and in my insignificance had lost my words. He took the initiative to break the silence.

"You have a court date on February first at 10:00. I was able to get you out on a thousand dollar bail. So, don't run off or I am in trouble," Kevin chuckled at his lame joke.

"Why did they arrest me?" I asked. I was sure I already knew the answer. Kevin walked to the microwave, his narrow body bumping along. He took a burgundy mug of hot chocolate out of it. He carried it to me and placed it on the table.

"Because you violated your restraining order. You never told me you had a restraining order."

I took a drink of the scalding liquid, it burnt my tongue. After trying to soothe it, I looked up at Kevin. "Yeah, I was served it when we were separated. I actually thought it was a divorce subpoena from you. I was surprised when I found out it was ordered by Deidre."

"What could you have possibly done to have a restraining order slapped on you?"

My voice became dramatic, "Nothing, I just visited her one time at her apartment when she called the police on me. Later, I sent her a very nice letter and had flowers delivered to her. They said I was harassing her by sending her flowers and a note. They slapped the order on me. I have left her alone since. How was I to know she worked at the salon? I didn't even know she was a beautician. It was purely coincidental. If she had asked me to leave, I would have. No problem. Instead, I guess she called the cops on me. I tell you, if I was going there to harass her, I wouldn't have brought my daughter with me."

Kevin went into the kitchen and pulled out salt and vinegar potato chips. He carried them back and took a seat next to me while noisily crunching on them. Realizing he forgot something, he jumped up and ran back to the fridge. Pulling out the clam dip, he returned to the table. He dunked his chip in the white spread and priggishly shoved it into his mouth.

"How bad is it?" I asked Kevin.

"It's bad. It's bad," he said shaking his head. "I talked to our lawyer. He has read all the statements. They are all similar except yours. They claim you went into the break room and harassed Deidre. You challenged her to fight with you, then they all state you slapped Deidre and called her some bad names."

"I did not!"

"Well, they all say you did; all five statements."

"Well, Doug can tell them otherwise."

"No, he can't. His statement doesn't start until he comes to the back. They all have in their statement. They said it was before Doug joined you, that you did those things. So as the whole thing appears, you were threatening Deidre. It was after you slapped her, the others surrounded you and pushed you out onto the floor. And like I said, that is when Doug comes in, and is about where the police man comes in."

"I didn't touch Deidre! I barely even saw the little chicken. She stayed hidden in the back the whole time. She sent her cronies out to deal with me. Why would I touch her?"

Kevin shrugged his bony shoulders.

"You know me, Kevin. I am not violent. I wouldn't push Deidre."

Kevin didn't answer. He rubbed his cheek as if he was thinking about something. His silence angered me. "Does Doug think I hit Deidre?"

"Yes."

"Kevin, you know I wouldn't hit anyone. That is not my way.

Kevin meekly responded, "You slapped me."

"Oh, Kevin, you actually believe I assaulted Deidre? I didn't. I promise. Ask Hailey, she saw the whole thing."

"You want me to put a three year old on the witness stand?"

"No, I want you to believe me. I need the courts to believe me."

"If you did, or didn't it doesn't matter; our lawyer says you don't have a case. He suggests you go into a plea bargain. You could go to jail for fifteen months. He is going to push for a thirty day sentence."

"Thirty days!" I roared. "I can't go to jail for thirty days. I can't. Please Kevin, don't let them take me to jail. If our lawyer can't do better than that, we need a greater lawyer."

"You don't have a case," Kevin said firmly. "If I could buy off your sentence, I would. But, I can't. You should feel blessed if all you get is thirty days."

I stood up and tossed the quilt to the floor. My eyes flooded over as I stomped off to my room.

### CHAPTER 35

The magic tinkled in the air as Kevin headed to Hailey's room, and I trailed behind his lengthy stride. "Wake up Hailey, Santa came!" Kevin excitedly shouted as he scooped Hailey out of her crib. He was highly antsy to get Christmas started. We gathered in the parlor, where the tree elegantly stood. Doug had spent the night; for he didn't want to be left out of the enchantment.

Everyone delighted in watching Hailey open her gifts. She received more from Santa than we did combined from all Christmases in our youth. There were Barbie's, dolls, animals, puzzles, books, a wagon, a sleeping bag, dresses, shoes, panties, and makeup. Hailey was almost overwhelmed with all her loot and struggled to zone in on one gift. She eventually turned to the pile of wrapping paper and dived in it. After all of the packages had been opened, Kevin produced one surprise gift. He presented me with a small gold box tied with a silver ribbon. I anticipated it to be an exquisite piece of jewelry. I enthusiastically tore the ribbon off the box. My excitement built the closer I got to un-covering my bounty. I lifted the lid to unveil, a small diaper crammed in the box. My face fell as I turned to Kevin.

"That was a cruel joke. Why did you give me one of Hailey's old diapers bundled up in a box?"

"Well," Kevin said rubbing his hands together. "I know you have secretly craved a larger family. My gift to you is a baby. After we get back from Switzerland, we can start trying for another baby."

I leapt out of my chair into Kevin's beanstalk arms. Doug was right behind me. All four of us grasped hands and danced around the Christmas tree. The moment was powerful.

Toward the evening, Kevin announced he had to leave for a couple of hours.

"Honey, its Christmas. Where do you have to go that is more important than being with the family?"

Kevin scooped me tenderly into his arms. He kissed my lips several times. "I have to run to the office and fax in some reports. They reach their deadline tonight at midnight."

I pouted, "Can't you fax them here?"

"I would love to, but they are stuck at the office. I meant to bring them home, now I kick myself for forgetting. Please forgive me."

I stuck my lip out even more. "But, its Christmas," I whined.

"I know, I know. I will be quick."

Doug chased after Kevin. I snuck next to the garage door to listen to them talk.

"Kevin, stay here with your family. Does Stacey remember about those two?"

"No, and you are not going to tell her, either."

"It just isn't right to hold such a monumental secret from your wife."

"I am afraid she wouldn't understand."

"At least visit them tomorrow. It's Christmas."

"That is exactly why I have to go; their kids need a good Christmas as well. If I don't show up tonight, who will?"

"It's not your problem."

"Thanks for coming over tonight, Doug. Merry Christmas." I heard Kevin's car door shut. I hurried and ran away from the door.

...

Even though I was acclimating to my new role in life, I was extremely depressed. Dad stabilized a little, but remained in a coma. I struggled as I watched his life slip away. Knowing I would be going to jail stressed me even more. Kevin knew I needed a lift me up, so on a whim, we flew to Disney Land early Tuesday morning. It was just the prescription of relief I needed.

The magical kingdom cast is magic on everyone. I had forever dreamed of taking Lil' Dee and Ben there, but we had been too poor. I had vacationed Disney as a kid and once with Deidre Larson. This time, being the mom, I loved watching the enchantment in Hailey as she ran from ride to ride. She got an autograph album, and was as excited about getting characters to sign her book as she was to ride the rides. With money not being a hindrance, we bought all Hailey wished for. She got Disney ears, toys, crowns, books, and two princess dresses. I enjoyed being able to spend money whenever I wanted to. It felt empowering. I also was tickled to be able to spoil my new daughter. With each purchase, Hailey would become so sweet and happy. She would run in circles dancing and singing and end it by giving me a sloppy kiss on the lips. I enjoyed that. Maybe that is why I kept buying things for her. We returned home on the red-eye Tuesday night.

### CHAPTER 36

It was New Year's Eve; Kevin walked into the theater room. He looked debonair, in contrast to me, who was sprawled out in the lazy boy wearing a hideous pink robe.

"Are you sure we can't change your mind?" Kevin pleaded. "It's New Year's Eve and you plan to spend it looking like a giant pink marshmallow. You can stay locked up in this house any time. New Year's Eve comes only once a year."

I turned from Kevin. "Please don't do this to me. I need to spend this year out quietly. This last year has been the most exhausting year of my life. I think it will be therapeutic for me to stay home and contemplate all that has happened. If I am feeling ambitious, I might make a list of goals I would like to see for 2011. Or, maybe I will just watch movies all night."

Kevin's gangly body plopped on the armrest of the lazy boy. He encircled me into his body. "We can stay home and celebrate with you. We don't have to go."

I knew Kevin was only trying to comfort me. He had been looking forward to the New Year's Party for weeks. "Nonsense, you said we've been going to this party for six years. You have to go. 2011 would start out wrong if you wasted it here with me. Don't feel guilty about going. I hope you and Hailey have a pleasant time."

"Actually, this is our seventh year going. I don't want to go without you. I will miss you. Maybe we can come home at 10:00 and see the New Year in with you."

"If you get bored, sure come home and see the New Year in with me. Otherwise, stop feeling guilty and enjoy yourself."

Kevin leaned into me and planted a kiss on my lips. I breathed in his sweet smell. Hailey squeezed my head in-between her hands and planted a kiss on my cheeks. I caught Hailey and tackled her to the floor. I tickled her warm armpits and sides. Hailey rolled around and squealed in delight. I felt so lively. Life was wonderful.

Kevin and Hailey went to Hailey's room to grab her coat. I could hear them talking.

"Are we seeing Aunt Stephy and Ariel?"

I bit my lip, my good feeling was gone. I couldn't believe he took Hailey along to his affairs. I thought about accompanying him, but for the moment, I had a different plan.

As Kevin went into the garage, I took Hailey aside.

"Do you want money?" I asked.

Hailey's eye lit up.

I held a dollar in front of her. "Does Daddy ever kiss Aunt Stephanie or Aunt Ariel?"

"We are going there," Hailey said with a big smile.

"I know, but does Daddy ever kiss them?"

Hailey twirled around and shrugged her shoulders.

"If you want this dollar, you have to help me. Watch Daddy, and tell me if he kisses anyone, can you do that for me?"

"I don't know."

"Never mind, if you can't do that, then I will keep this money."

"I can do it," Hailey said as she reached for the money.

"Ok, you get it after you help mommy. But you can't tell Daddy about our deal. Can you keep a secret?"

"Yes, I keep a secret from you about Aunt Stephy and Ariel."

My heart dropped.

I heard the horn blare in the garage. I could hear Kevin yell out in a soprano voice, "Come on Hailey."

"Pinky promise, tell me if they kiss," I said as we locked pinkies.

"Pinky promise," Hailey said as she bounded away.

...

Dejected, I sat on the couch. As I stewed in anger, Doug startled me as he walked into the room. I wished he didn't have a key.

"Do you know the directions to the party tonight?" he said as he sat on the arm rest next to me.

"No," I replied.

"Hey, are your eyes red? What's wrong? You know, it isn't doing you any good to stay here by yourself. Come to the party with us," Doug said as he looked at me intently.

"Kevin and Hailey already went, and I really don't want to go."

"Are you sure?"

"Very sure, have fun."

"Okay, I will just call Kevin to get the directions."

Just as Doug was about to close the door, I called out to him, "Hey Doug."

He popped back in, "You change your mind?"

"No, I have a question. Who is Stephanie and Ariel?"

Doug looked uncomfortable. "How do you know about them?" he asked.

"Come on, I am not entirely stupid. I know Kevin is having an affair. Just tell me how long he has been doing it."

"Kevin isn't having an affair."

"I don't expect you to rat out your twin, but I'm not dumb."

"Listen, Stacey, he really isn't. Do you remember how Kevin used to go golfing the third Saturday every month?"

I nodded, for I had no shared memories with Doug.

"He went with a couple of buddies. I don't remember their names. But, that doesn't matter. I'm not sure where he met those two guys, but they had been golfing together for several years. I am sure you remember when his golfing buddies got in that horrific wreck last year and were killed. It was so devastating. You have to remember that?"

"Sure," I said to keep the story going.

"Well, those guys both left behind wives and kids. Neither one of them had insurance policies. Kevin felt responsible for their welfare. When Stephanie was about to be tossed out onto the street with her babies, Kevin bought both families a duplex to share. You were part of picking out the duplexes. You also felt bad for the two widows and gave Kevin the full go ahead to help them with whatever they needed. He goes over there regularly to give them money and help them out. He fixes things that break and puts clothes on the kid's backs and food in their pantries, and at one time, you helped with this. I promise you, he has never been with either one of them, but Kevin is very kind and compassionate, you know that about him."

"Are you sure he isn't cheating on me?"

Doug did the scout symbol, "Scouts honor. I personally wouldn't give my money away like he does, but that is where we are different. But, Stacey, don't worry about it. I promise you. You should be proud of him and not mad at him. He is loyal to you."

"But why is it now a secret against me?"

"I don't know. I have told Kevin to tell you. He just thinks it would be too much on you right now. It sounds kind of weird what he does, but at one time you supported it. I guess he is afraid the new you will make him stop."

We sat in silence.

"Well, I'm going to run. If you change your mind, call me."

Doug left

My nerves settled, and I sat there happy to be alone again. Suddenly, I found myself very proud of Kevin. He was such a good man.

I turned the FM radio on. The broadcaster came on wishing everyone happy New Year's eve. I strolled over to the floral davenport and settled into to it. Led Zeppelin boomed out of the PSB Stratus Gold speakers. Closing my eyes, I listened to the beloved sounds of Zeppelin. I reminisced about what a crazy year it had been. If life hadn't changed, Ben would be turning thirteen and Lil' Dee would be turning nine. I most likely would have continued with life as the PTA president. I would have finished Sub for Santa. I would be enjoying the Christmas break with my adorable kids where we would have baked cookies, gone Christmas caroling, and many other feel-good holiday traditions.

Now, I wanted to figure out what to do with the next year. It was obvious this was my life. I had come to terms with that. I was never going to have my old life again. There were heaps of excellent things to this altered life. I treasured my house. I felt closer to Kevin than I ever did. Maybe it was because of how frequently I had to lean on him. It was true what they said; tragedy really did bring people together. Thank goodness we endured the toughest part of my trial. Things were really starting to improve. Our three day weekends were boundless and exciting and our bi-weekly lunches kept me going.

I cherished that I was growing close to Hailey. When I decided to love Hailey May for herself, and not replace my other kids with her; that is when my love really developed.

### CHAPTER 37

Some people call me the space cowboy

Yeah

Some call me the gangster of love.

Some people call me Maurice.

Cause I speak of the pompitous of love.

Steve Miller rang out in the parlor, the music woke me up. I wiped the droll off of my chin. I must have drifted asleep. The clock on the radio said 10:22. Chills traveled up and down my arms. An ominous feeling lurked inside of me. I didn't know why.

Hearing Steve Miller used to elicit fond memories, now it reminded me of my encounter with Asp. "Sometimes the cost is not worth the price," I repeated Asp's words over and over in my mind.

"Was the cost worth it?" I thought. "NO WAY!" Not to me anyway.

A thought entered my head, and I ran to the bookshelf in the game room and searched the albums. I was surprised to come across what I was searching for. It was a thin tattered photo album I and Deidre had compiled during our childhood and early adult years. After Deidre's death, Jessica gave me more pictures to add to it. Back on the Davenport, I opened the book. Jessica's pictures weren't in there, but there were a whole bunch of new ones I had never seen. They were from the years I had no recollection of.

I carried the book back with me into the parlor. I recalled the sorrow I felt when Deidre died. When I lost my best friend, Deidre carried a piece of me to the grave with her. The death of Deidre kept me and Deidre eternal best friends. As each year passed on without Deidre, Deidre became immortalized in my memory. Her flaws and shortcomings soon became blotted out. Deidre achieved icon status to me. In my other life, I wouldn't let go of my mourning and loss over Deidre. For the last twelve years, I had often wondered where Deidre would be if she had lived. In a way, I had been obsessed with Deidre's memory. I never once imagined if Deidre had lived, our relationship would have become ugly. I pictured us best friends for life. I imagined we would support each other in every corner of life: graduations, marriages, babies being born, deaths, losses, divorces, awards, and anything else best friends share.

I drifted to sleep.

When I awoke, I decided to write my goals for the New Year. Taking a notebook, I plopped in the burgundy antique 19th C. Victorian Herter style parlor chair. I became enraptured in creating my goals. I knew it was time I moved forward with my life. I accepted I was the mother of a cute three year old whom I found myself falling in love with. I found peace since I had allowed myself to build a relationship with Hailey. I also planned to be a better wife to Kevin. I wrote goals concerning my two joys; them.

Enraptured by my aspirations, I found my spirits rising. When I was on my last goal, I noticed the radio was playing Steve Miller again. "It must be a Steve Miller-athon," I thought. A raw surge of emotions stabbed into me. I felt it travel through every vein and neuron in my body. I suddenly felt considerably frightened and alone. It would have been nice to have Hailey and Kevin home. I looked at the clock. 1:05 am. Wow, I had lost track of time. Feeling a bit apprehensive my family wasn't home yet, I stood up and paced in front of the window, keeping my eye on the driveway. Soon lights flooded up my drive way and I relaxed; they were home.

The lights stopped outside of the garage, but they didn't pull in. The engine turned off. Suddenly my heart raced. I peeked out the window and trembled, who would be coming to my house at this hour? Distantly, I could hear footsteps and feel their vibration as they ascended up my balcony stairs. My legs trembled and my muscles tensed. I questioned if it was unwise to open my door. A tremendous jolt of fear surged my body. A loud bang on the outside of the Moliterno door caused my heart to jump in my chest. I reasoned since I hadn't invited anyone over at this unholy hour, I was not going to answer it. The trespassers banged again, even louder. Oh, how I wished Kevin would pull up any second and save me. The doorbell rang. I glanced at the phone, I was deciding if I should call the police.

"What do you want?" I called behind the door. I held the phone in my hand, ready to dial 911.

"Please open up, Mrs. Caldwell, we are the Newport police," a calm voice uttered through the door.

"The police?" I wondered "Why would they be here?" Questioningly, I undid the latch and turned off the alarm. I opened the door to two officers on my balcony.

"Mrs. Caldwell?" they asked. Fearfully, I nodded yes. "We regretfully come to tell you your husband Kevin Caldwell and the toddler with him were in a car accident."

I staggered backwards. Had I heard them right? The color drained from my face. The taller officer reached out and supported me with his arm.

"What? How?" I stammered.

"They were hit by a drunk driver at 10: 22pm tonight."

"10:22" I recalled earlier glancing at the clock at that precise moment. That was when Steve Miller had been playing on the radio. I had woken up from my nap at that very moment. Chills ascended up my body.

"Are, are..." I couldn't bear to ask the question. "Are they all right?"

The police stared at me in silence.

"Mrs. Caldwell, I am truly sorry; they didn't make it."

"Noooooooooooooo!" I screamed. "No...no...no... You can't take them from me. I have already lost too much. Please. No.no.no.no.no! Don't do this to me, don't do this to me!" I ranted as giant tears rolled down my face.

The officers looked at each other. I'm sure they loathed that part of their job. It couldn't be easy to deliver the news of a loved one's death.

"I can't do it, I can't do it. You must be mistaken. Oh no...Please Lord, don't take my family. You have already taken too much."

I dropped to the floor. I rested my head on the tile entryway while slamming it with my fists. I didn't feel the pressure crushing my hands. I rocked back and forth as I howled. The shorter officer reached his hand down and rested it on my back. He rubbed it a couple of times, unsure of how to ease my suffering. He looked over at his partner and they both shrugged their shoulders.

My world crashed under me, again. I felt every cell in my body rip in half. The sensation felt as if my stomach closed, while my veins hardened, and my skin had peeled away.

"Mrs. Caldwell, would you like us to call you an ambulance?" the short officer asked. I remembered when they had drugged me and took me to the crazy house. I didn't want that to happen again. I sat up, attempting to show the officers I could control myself. The tall officer grabbed my hand and pulled me up.

"How did it happen?" I asked, struggling to compose my rising despair. I rubbed the tears off my nose with the back of my hand.

"Sometimes the details should be left unknown," the short officer said.

My face became enraged. "Tell me all the details about the accident!" I demanded, as I dried more tears.

"They were headed west bound on Highway 20. A drunk driver headed east bound on Highway 20 crossed into their lane and hit them dead on. I mean, head on, sorry. Mrs. Caldwell, they died instantly, they didn't feel anything."

"Did the drunk at least die?" I asked.

"She sure did," the short one said. "Thank goodness, too. I have no compassion for drunk drivers. They don't deserve a place on our planet. It would be better if they were never born. You wouldn't believe how many lives drunks rip apart. I would be okay if they put alcohol on prohibition again. You know, last year I came across..." The tall police officer jabbed his partner to get him to stop.

"Sorry," he said.

"Was anyone with the drunk?" I asked. Somehow I felt obsessed to know the details.

The tall officer studied his report. "It was a female driver, in her thirties. Thank goodness she was alone."

I stared at the officers, feeling the tribulation intensifying. I tried not to give way to the hysteria roaring up and building inside me. I did not want to get sedated again.

"Says here her name was Deidre Bill," the tall one replied.

Immediately I collapsed to the floor. Deidre Bill. Deidre Bill; who once was Deidre Larson. She is dead now. After all I sacrificed for her, and she still dies, but worse, for the very life I had resurrected, she ended up taking the life of my family. My entire family!! How could this be? How could the fates twist life up so wrong?

The officers could perceive the name meant something to me. "I told you to lay off about "all drunks should be dead". I think Mrs. Caldwell knows Mrs. Bill as well," the tall officer whispered to his partner.

"Ma'am, can we help you?" the tall officer asked. "We really should call an ambulance for her," he said to the short one.

"No, I'm fine. Please leave."

Reluctantly they stepped out onto the patio, but they didn't leave. I crawled to the door and slammed it in their faces.

I stared at the fire roaring in the parlor. I could hear Asp's voice again, "Sometimes the cost is not worth the price."

Just then, I heard the ending of the Steve Miller song on the radio.

Hey, hey, baby can't you hear it?

Can't you hear your daddy?

Can't you hear your daddy's heart?

I rolled on the floor, bawling. I would never hear Kevin's heart beat again. I would never brush Hailey's smooth hair again, and I would never move on. All my dreams and plans vanished. I had nothing of significance left.

I frantically ran to my list of goals. I tore the sheets out of the notebook and madly shred the goals into little piece. Carrying the shreds to the fire, I launched them in. My stomach throbbed. I kneeled next to the fire and vomited all over my shirt. The stomach acid burned my throat, nose, and mouth. The bitter sludge fermented on my tongue. I didn't care. What did it matter? What did anything matter anymore? I had lost everything most dear to me. Gone. Everything gone. And for what? A wench that despised me and took my family's lives twice. I was vengefully glad Deidre had died. Deidre did not deserve life, for she was a bitter woman. How could I have sold my world to the Devil only to have Deidre destroy the last shreds of my life?

"Noooooooooooo!!!" I shrilled as I pulled my hair. I would never recover. I would never go on. I glanced about the parlor. I lived in luxury and it meant nothing. What was all the materialism worth, with my family taken? I clutched a crystal lamp and ripped the cord out of the wall. I smashed the lamp into the fire. I snatched the two silk throw pillows and threw them into the fire. The flames intensified as it devoured its new fuel source. I tried to pick up the coffee table, but my strength was depleted. Instead, I yanked the phone cord out of the wall. I repeatedly smashed the phone into the coffee table. The phone left giant gauges in the wood. I collected the pile of busted metal and catapulted it against the wall. When I couldn't locate anything else to throw, I collapsed onto the davenport. I could hear the short officer in my head. "I have no compassion for drunk drivers. They don't deserve a place on our planet. It would be better if they were never born."

Deidre was not supposed to be alive. In fact, if she had stayed dead, than she wouldn't have been able to kill Kevin and Hailey. If she would have stayed dead, than I would not be in a never ending HELL! I would be in my childhood home surrounded by Kevin, Ben, and Lil' Dee. Deidre would have lived the life she was destined to live and died when destiny had decided. Instead, her gift of life destroyed so many other lives. And in the end, Deidre still died.

I heard Asp's voice again, "Sometimes the cost is not worth the price."

"Hey Devil women, I was wrong!" I proclaimed. "Deidre was meant to die. PLEASE send me back to where I am supposed to be. Send me back to a dead Deidre and my family alive. Please, take this hell from me."

I could now see my life before had been pretty close to perfect. I had squandered too much of my time invariably wishing and wondering how things would have been otherwise. Regretfully, I had sometimes wondered what would have happened if I hadn't had Ben out of wedlock. What would have happened if I had gotten an education? I had exchanged my favorable times for 'unknowns', wasting the joy I could have felt then, for empty regrets now. I had it all. I felt angry I hadn't recognized it then. And now, I had nothing.

I palmed a letter opener and slashed at myself. I tore open the skin up and down my arm. Small amounts of blood leaked through the lacerations. I tried to feel the sensation of the cuts, but I couldn't. I could only feel the agony of my heart. I crouched into the fetal position and swayed from side to side. My stomach burned as I again puked. It exploded all over the davenport.

The memory of Deidre beating me up flashed in my mind. I remembered how Deidre had put a restraining warrant against me. I recalled the lonely night I spent in jail because of my ex-best friend. I pictured Deidre dead in the ditch that fateful morning of our bike ride. All of my Deidre memories flooded my mind.

"The cost was never worth the price! If only I would have realized the value of my life before Asp." I wailed. I grabbed my and Deidre's photo album and chucked it into the fire. "The cost was not worth the price."

_Zzzzaboooooooooooooooom_! A sonic boom ricocheted across the house rattling all the glass. I lifted my head up and looked around. Suddenly, the flames in the fireplace came alive. It was shooting out across the floor and zapping everything. It reached through the fireguard and climbed the side of the wall. Orange and yellow danced and licked the perimeter around the fireplace. Although the flames were bright and powerful, they never consumed anything.

_Zzzzabooooooooooooooooom!_ Another boom went off as a giant snake appeared in the center of the blaze. The snake slipped out of the fireplace and slithered toward me. Its forked tongue shot out of its mouth. Beady eyes locked in on me as it speedily made its way to me. The snake was a beautiful brown with black tallies marked up across its scales.

As the creature reached me, I abruptly recognized it as an Asp snake. I had seen this snake before. I stuck out my wrist, daring the Asp to plant its fangs deep into my veins and end my life. The snake brought its diamond shaped head up to my wrist and launched out its tongue. Instead of prickling, I felt a wet sensation as its tongue explored my wrist. Wrapping its strong body around my arm, the snake ascended up my limbs. It tangled its whole self around and around my body until it stopped face to face with me. I pushed out my neck, again tempting it to bite me. It brought its face to mine, and stared at me.

The Asp continued to lock on my eyes. In the back ground from the radio, Steve Miller's voice rang out from another song.

Oh, weeping willow tree.

Weeping sympathy.

Bend your branches down.

Along the ground and cover me.

When the shadows fall.

Bend, oh, willow and weep for me

Gone my lovers dream .

Lovely summer's dream.

The lyrics penetrated my heart. Screaming, I ripped the snake from my torso and flung it across the room. I bitterly rolled onto the floor and said one last time, "The cost was not worth the price. Do you hear me Asp, THE COST WAS NOT WORTH THE PRICE!!!!"

The Asp returned to me and slithered up my body. It coiled in a ball where it rested on top of my head.

"UNDO MY HELL!" I screamed.

I closed my eyes and made a wish.

The Asp slithered down my neck, around my back, and came up to my outstretched wrist. It spread its jaws wide open, and sunk its sharp teeth into my hand. I could feel the poison surge through my veins; the sting was intense.

_Zzzzabooooooooooooooooom_ went the sonic boom.

Everything went dark.

### CHAPTER 38

"Happy birthday to you, cha cha cha. Happy birthday to you, cha cha cha. Happy birthday dear mommieeeeeeeee. Happy birthday to you!" I awoke to the off-pitched song with a tight cramp in my neck.

"We baked it and frost it ourselves," Lil' Dee said with a wide grin.

I could feel an overpowering burn in my veins from the snake venom as I looked around. Where was I, and what was was going on? I looked around and noticed I was back in my old trailer house. There in front of me were my greatest blessings; Lil' Dee, and Ben. Kevin was off to the side!

"Babies," I cried out in pure elation as I jumped forward and knocked the cake out of Lil' Dee's hands.

"My cake!" she wailed.

"Oh, my baby, my baby, my baby! You are alive. You are here and you alive." I couldn't stop kissing Lil' Dee. She tensed up to my reaction, probably not sure what to make of me. Ben stepped back away from my recliner. I am sure he was nervous about my hysterics.

"You get back here," I called as I reached out after him. He was beyond my grasp, so with one arm dragging Lil' Dee behind me, I used the other to grab Ben.

"My Benjamin, you are alive. I am so happy! Is this real, or is this a dream? Please don't tell me it's a dream, for I couldn't handle that."

"Do you want me to pinch you, Mommy? If it hurts then you are awake."

"Yes pinch me!" I cried.

Ben took his warm fingers and grasped a piece of my flesh. Not only did he pinch, but he twisted it. It hurt. A pain that was most wonderful! I pulled my hand away and looked at it. He had pinched it inches away from where the Asp had bit me.

"You guys are alive!"

"Stacey, what is going on with you?" Kevin asked as he walked over to me. "What in the world is going on?"

"Oh Kevin," I said as I pulled him into the group hug. "You are alive. Everyone is alive!"

"Of course we are." he said.

Tears streamed down my face. I felt a pleasure like one I had never known before.

"What is going on? You are scaring the kids," he said. The storm outside rocked the trailer.

"Oh it was awful. I made a deal with the devil and because of it, all of you died."

"You must have been having a pretty vivid nightmare to be so shaken up," Kevin said.

I pulled my hand away from Ben and looked at it. The fresh fang marks from the asp was still there. I showed Kevin. "It wasn't a dream. Look at the snake bite."

"That's not a snake bite. That is where I pinched you," Ben said.

"Oh no, it is a snake bite. When the Asp bit me, I got you all back. I GOT YOU ALL BACK!!" I declared.

"Well, whatever your scary dream was, let's move on. It's your birthday and the kids made you a cake, unfortunately you dumped it all over just now. They had worked hard on it."

I looked at the cake splattered all over the carpet and wood panels. "I don't care. I don't care about anything anymore. I have my family back!" I grabbed everyone into another huge hug.

"Mommy, you ruined our cake. We had worked on it all day." Lil' Dee whined.

"It's okay, I loved it anyway." I tried to reassure her.

"We can't have a party without a cake," Ben glumly said.

"I tell you what, why don't I run to the store and buy your mom a new cake," Kevin said. Thunder rumbled and shook the trailer.

"I don't want a cake. I have all I need," I replied.

"It's okay, I don't mind running to the store real quick. I actually had something I needed to pick up for your birthday anyways. What time will your parents be here?"

Suddenly the flashback of my thirty first birthday entered my head. Kevin had gone to the store, and because of that, I was left alone with Mom to get Dad into the trailer. That was when Mom had hit her head, which later caused the hemorrhagic stroke.

"No Kevin!" I screamed. My intensity frightened everyone. I tried to calm my voice down. "Please, all I want for my birthday is a nice dinner with my parents. We can do a cake another time. Maybe we can go out for ice cream after my dinner."

"Well, it's your birthday," Kevin said.

"My family!" I said in pure elation as I held tightly to those I loved.

...

I never forgot my experience with Asp. Before our encounter, I had let myself get stuck in a disillusioned dream, one in which I had blamed all of my failures and short comings on the death of Deidre. In that self-created misery, I had decided my life was a failure, and I had lost my chance at happiness when Deidre had died. I had spent over a decade afterwards torturing myself and denying me any chance to feel real pleasure. I had been blinded to all the good around me.

With my new insight, I had a wonderful thirty first birthday, the best I had ever had, and probably will ever have. My greatest gifts were having my family alive and spending it with them. When Mom and Dad came over, Kevin was there to help Dad in. Later that week, I made Kevin install a ramp so we would never have a struggle getting Dad inside the trailer again. I am happy to report Dad lived another fifteen years. He thrived spending the last years of his life in his own home. Mom lived for another thirty years. She was strong, and I felt incredibly blessed to have so many more years with her.

I never did finish my education, but it no longer mattered. I had all I needed, and the best part of it, was I realized and appreciated that. I no longer minded living in the trailer house. Sometimes I would let envy carry me away where I would wish for something better, but all I had to do was look at my family and I would snap out of it. Kevin stayed an accountant and never furthered his education. I was very okay with that because it meant he came home every night after 5:00pm. He eventually found another job that paid better and with his increased wage, we spent the following five years saving our money to buy a bigger home. We had planned to save for a few more years, but when Aleta, my parent's neighbor put her house up for sale, my parent's financially helped us get it, and very happily we moved in.

It took me several years to gain Doug's trust, but I worked really hard at repairing our broken relationship, for in the time line where Deidre lived, Doug and I had become close. I liked being close to Kevin's twin. I knew the potential was there to have that again, and after changing my heart, in time I changed his.

I loved living next to my parents and spent almost every day at their house. Being close to them reminded me they were still alive and part of my life. After we had settled into our new home, I put two memorials in my garden. The first was for Deidre. It had taken me awhile to let go of the hurt and anger I felt for her, but I had to allow myself to remember the past we shared together in this time line. I couldn't let that get spoiled by my other experiences with her. For her memorial, I planted a rose bush. I kept it well fertilized and it ended up growing gorgeous roses year after year.

My second memorial was for Hailey, the daughter I would never have again. My heart felt heavy for the way I had first treated her when I had been introduced to her. She really had been an adorable child. One day, I had found a statue at a flea market that looked just like her. I put that statue in my garden. At times, I wished I had treated her better, but then I remind myself to wish on the past was the devil's game.

Life didn't instantly become perfect after my experience with Asp, but I had changed. I stopped wishing for better or different things, instead I found pleasure in the small, everyday happenings and had ceased looking for something more. My nightmare had reconstructed my thinking and helped me find joy in life.

The fang marks on my hand never did heal. They looked as fresh as the day the Asp had bit me on my tile floor in Newport. I look at those fang marks as a constant reminder to find pleasure in my current situation, and because of them, I choose to live life to the fullest!

###  About the Author

Stephanie Daich loves life, family; learning, dancing, skating, imagining, hiking, camping, fishing, swimming, cannoning, playing music, listening to music, and Writing!!!!!

###  Other Books written by Stephanie Daich

Amongst the Dragons series:

A Rose Amongst the Dragons I

A Tyrant Amongst the Kingdoms II

A Vigilante Amongst the Foe III

Alora Funk Series:

Alora Funk- The Deliverance I

Alora Funk- The Discovery II

