♫ EPIC FUS RO DAH INTRO MUSIC ♫
AARON: Welcome back to Skyrim for Pimps!
We're not gonna be so...gross with the poopy references and stuff this time, right?
EMRE: N-No. Let's keep that lower.
AARON: Alright.
EMRE: We're in a college. We'll make *SOPHISTICATED* jokes. *INTELLIGENT* jokes.
AARON: Yeah!
What *is* this anyway?
EMRE: It's like a big Marilyn Monroe statue.
AARON: Yeah, like the wind is totally pushing up this magician's robe...
EMRE: OOoOoOoOoOoo!
AARON: He's getting all *sexy*.
EMRE:...Or he's just letting a huge one rip.
AARON: I know we said we weren't gonna make jokes like that, but that's exactly what it looks like.
EMRE: I KNOW! I-I...I couldn't help myself.
AARON: Well, here we are--back in the dorms!
J'ZARGO! WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING DOING IN *MY ROOM*?!
Get the FUCK outta here!  This is--
EMRE [laughing]: He just walks in and sits on your chair.
AARON: He can't even sit on my chair because there's *SKULLS* on it.
EMRE: So, he's *standing*...
AARON: Dude. DUDE? Get outta here.
EMRE: Obviously you've never had a pet cat before because all they do is go into places they shouldn't be and then jump on all your furniture.
You're just lucky he's not pissing on all of your shit.
AARON: Probably--that's what he's waiting for!
EMRE: He's waiting for you to turn around and leave.
AARON: YEAH! As soon as I leave the room, he's gonna piss over all of my...he's gonna piss over everything.
Alright, so, I gotta go talk to the *Dean*.
I dunno what I did...
Whoa!
Fancy duds!
EMRE: WOWWWW.
AARON: Pays to be the Dean, I guess, huh?
EMRE: Pfftyeah.
AARON: I need to speak to you about Saarthaaaaaal.
We found some sort of *ORB*.
Toll-Free wants you to see it. He's REALLY fucking excited about it.
SAVOS AREN: Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
AARON [lackluster]: Yer welcome...
SAVOS: Speak with Urag in the Arcanium. See if he is aware of anything that matches your discovery.
EMRE: JEEEEEZ, man. Just tons of boring quests here...
AARON: 'You go talk to Urag and then read a BOOK.'
'You know...Maybe just sit in a chair for a while and just kinda look at the walls.'
URAG GRO-SHUH: Disrupt my Arcanium, and I will have you torn apart by *ANGRY* atronaches.
AARON: Oh, I know! I hate it when my Arcanium gets *disrupted*. If you know what I mean.
SO, uhhh, URAG is there any college business I can assist with??
In any exciting, possibly *really interesting*, VIBRANT...enjoyable way??
URAG: If you're feeling *adventurous*, I'm always looking for someone to procure valuable books from some more...*DANGEROUS* locations.
AARON: OH!
EMRE: HM! Good thing you asked *exactly* that way.
URAG: WELL, ALRIGHT. Here.
AARON [not yet convinced this isn't utter bullshit]: Thanks, Grow-Shrub. 'Find the Stolen Books'...
So, what am I? A librarian now?
EMRE: Apparently.
AARON: I've changed from being a magician to a librarian...
EMRE: But, you're like a BADASS librarian. Like...
AARON: Like, CONAN the Librarian!
EMRE: YEAH!
AARON: Yeah...
That's a good way to look at it...
ANCANO: YOU THERE!
AARON: Yes?
ANCANO: I have questions for you!
AARON: Okay?
ANCANO: You were in Saarthal, yes?
AARON: I guess?
ANCANO: It has come to my attention that something was *FOUND* there...
AARON: I duuuunno, man...maybe?
ANCANO: I know full well that you *HAVE*...
AARON: What?!
ANCANO:...Please, do not insult my intelligence.
AARON: Fuck your intelligence! Your intelligence sucks!
EMRE: I bet he's only got like a 16.
AARON: Yeah. He's only got a 16 Intelligence.
EMRE: LOSER.
AARON: Alright! So now we begin the exciting quest of...f-find some books and bring 'em back to the library.
OOohh, shit...
We got trouble!
EMRE [as a 50's commercial announcer]: THIS BORING QUEST HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED BYYYY AN *EPIC DRAGON FIGHT*!
AARON: Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about.
Hey! Leave my...f-fellow students alone!
Leave 'em alone. They're my friends!
Yeah!
Felglow Keep Dungeons.
This is where Urag suggested I go to look for these books.
'EY! Um, I'm looking for some books??
O-Oh! Where'd ya go, man? EH, HEH HEH.
EMRE and AARON: OOOOHH YEAAAAHH!
AARON: HOOOOOLLllyyy SHIIIIT!
*THAT GUY*. He did a little kung-fu before he fuckin' died. That was *AWESOME*.
EMRE: He was like an extra in a Bruce Lee film.
AARON: I'm here for tha books from dah college?
THE CALLER: So, you're just one of Aren's lackeys?
AARON: N-No, I-I'm just a student...
Perhaps we can come to an arrangement where youuuu...get naked...
And, I...have sex with you?
HEH-HEH-HEHAH. KNOW WHAT I MEAN??
I'm in college, so you know...
...I like sex.
I don't think this is gonna end well for me. I'm just gonna go get those books.
DOO-DA-DOO-DA-DOO!
Where'd the book go?
...They knock the book off?
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON [murmuring]: Goddamnit, bitch.
Okay, I'll be leaving now--BYYYYYYE!
EMRE: Well! That was exciting. You got your books...
You think that they'd just send 'em, you know...a LETTER? With some library fines. Pay the extra 25 cents or whatever.
AARON: YEAH. And then they could just send the books back via, you know, Postal Dragon.
EMRE: You should start your *own* library.
You could charge people money to rent the books.
You could call it 'Cockbuster'.
AARON: Wait, what? Call my library 'COCKBUSTER'?
EMRE: Yeah!
AARON: Why would I do that...?
EMRE: C-Cuz, you know, it's got like an intriguing name. People can bust their cocks readin' your books...COCKBUSTER.
AARON:...I don't understand that...
HERE'S. THE FUCKING. BOOKS.
URAG: WELL, WELL.
AARON: YEAAAH.
[Very loud, disinterested chewing]
AARON: HEY! Stop fucking munchin' your bread--I just about got KILLED like fifty times finding these FUCKING books!!
EMRE: This guy really reminds me of Nazir.
He's like the uglier, stupider, ANGRIER version of Nazir.
AARON: W-What have you got for sale?
URAG: I have a FEW things laying around...That weren't WORTH adding to the collection.
AARON: Okay? You seem REALLY angry about that. I'm SORRY I asked.
I get the feeling that this guy--If you were just like, 'Hey, man! How's it goin'? H-How's the weather today?' He'd be like,
AARON: [as Orcish Clint Eastwood] 'EET'S KINDAH SUNNY OUTSIDE! IT'S KIND OF ABOUT *PERFECT TEMPERATURE*. LIKE 70 DEGREEEEESSS.'
EMRE [as Orcish Clunt Westwood, brother in law to Clint]: 'I WALKED OUTSIDE AND SAW SOME *FFUUUCKIN' ANIMALSSS*.'
ORCISH AARON: 'THIS MORNING I DECIDED TO EAT BREAKFAAAAST'.
ORCISH EMRE: 'EET WAZ REALLY TAAAASTYYYY'!!
'MY DAUGHTERS GETTING MAAAARRIED'!!
ORCISH AARON: 'IT'S THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MAH LIFE, GAWDDAYUMEET'!!!
AARON [normal]: Hey, Colette Manshrub! Can I talk to you?
COLETTE MARENCE [with a gratingly high-pitched voice]: You consider Restoration a valid school of magic???! Worthy of study????!
DONTYEW?!
AARON: MNNNOOOOoo...Restoration's for idiot, asshole dip-shits? Fuuuck yeewww?
COLETTE: WELL. I'm GLAD that we established this EARLY.
Rather than me hearing about it years or DECADES later when the WHISPERS behind my BACK are LOUD ENOUGH!
AARON: DECADES LATER? Wha...the Hell you talkin' about?
EMRE: H-How *OLD* are you??
AARON: Am I going to be seeing you??
*Decades* from now?
Are we getting married?
Is this how college works??
Someone just *CHOOSES* you?
EMRE: I thought this was a four year degree!
AARON: What am I supposed to do now?
OH! Speak with TolfDUR.
Look at this. He's *so* fascinated by it, he just stands here all day.
He's like...
[as stoner TolfDUR]: 'DUUUUDE. FAAASCINATING.'
EMRE: 'So maneh colouurssss...'
AARON: 'WOOOOWWWWW'!
AARON: Uuuhm, Butt-Rag suggested I come and see you.
TOLFDIR: Did he now??
AARON: S-Stop doing that.
TOLFDIR: Does he have information about our *wonderful* discovery?
AARON: Yes, he had *INFORMATION*.
EMRE: About your *FASINCATING* and wonderful discovery.
TOLFDIR: Whatever this is, it's BEAUTY is like nothing I've EVER seen before!
AARON: Oh, my God...
TOLFDIR: If you'd allow me to INDULGE myself for a moment...
AARON: NO! I don't want you *INDULGING* yourself around me at all!
Stop it! STAHP THAT!
'Listen to Tolfdir'...OKAY.
Whoever suggested we do this quest...needs to get SLAPPED.
EMRE: They were playing a fucking prank on us, weren't they?
AARON: I'm sorry, but they *must* have known that 3 quarters of it is walking around, listening to some JIBBERING old man talk about how FASCINATING everything is.
What're you doing in here, Pussweed?!
Do you wear lipstick?
...Do you have contacts?
Are you a glam rocker?
ANCANO: I need you to come with me immediately. Let's go.
AARON: Where??
ANCANO: I'd like to know why there's someone claiming to be from the Psijic Order here in the college.
More importantly, I'd like to know why he's asking for *YOU* specifically.
AARON: Oh, boy. I probably knocked up his lady friend or somethin', you know?
EMRE: AWWW, yeah. There *was* that party you went to last weekend...
AARON: YEAH. Where I had sex with fifty women?
EMRE: Yep.
AARON:...That was a good party
EMRE: YEAH! It was fifty, Ancano! FIFTY!
AARON: Fifty women!
EMRE: IN ONE NIGHT!
AARON: And, I wasn't wearing lipstick like you either.
EMRE: Nor protection.
AARON: Take ya time there, I just wanna *WATCH DAT ASSSSS*...
Look at dat ASSSSssss.
EMRE [matter-of-factly]: Yeah? Outta everyone in Skyrim, he probably *does* have the most interesting ass.
AARON: He does! Yeah, he...he designed his ass well--
OH! EXCUSE ME! HA-HA! I WASN'T LOOKING!
AHEHEHEH! UMMMM! SORRY!
I think that h-his magic comes from his butt...
He's got a  *MAGIC ASS*.
Ancano of the Magic Ass!
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Please! Do not be alarmed! I mean you no harm.
AARON: Oh, God. Here we go again...
EMRE: It's this fuckin' guy...
AARON: Your face is fuckin' WEEEIRD.
EMRE: Dude, he's like frozen in time.
QUARANIR: It is good to meet you in person.
AARON: I don't wanna talk to you.
...Can you go home?
I-I'm busy...
Oooh! Can I steal stuff??
EMRE: Niiiice!
AARON: This was a good opportunity to take *everything* in here.
ALRIGHT. What do you want?
QUARANIR: The situation here at your college is of DIRE IMPORTANCE.
AARON [skeptically]: REALLY?
QUARANIR: And so, I have come here *personally* to tell you it *must* be dealt with.
AARON: That was nice of you, man. You're pretty *neat*. I like you.
SOOOO, uhhh, what exactly is the problem?
And kinda pick up the pace here because I'm startin' to get kinda...mn, sleepy.
QUARANIR: Seek out the Augur of Dunlain, here in your college. His perception may be more coherent than our's.
AARON [quickly]: WHERECANIFINDTHISAUGUR?!
QUARANIR THE USELESS: I-I am unsure...
AARON: OH, OKAY. *GREAT*.
*THAAANK YOU.*
I just wanna point out this, uh...this quest?
All the things I did in this quest so far are fucking DUMB.
LOOK. 'Speak with Quaranir'.
'FOLLOW Ancano'.
'LISTEN to Tolfdir'.
'SPEAK with Tolfdir'.
WOW! The adventure was endless!
EPIC NARRATOR RETURNS FOR BORING ANNOUNCEMENTS MADE OVER DRAMATIC MUSIC: AAAAND THE MIGHTY HEEEERO *SPOKE* WITH QUARANIR!!
AND AFTERWARDS, HE *FOLLOWED* THE GREAT ANCANO!
AND THEN, AFTER THAT...
HE JOURNEYED INTO THE BASEMENT AND *LISTENED* TO TOLFDIR!
AND FINALLY, WHEN ALL WAS DONE, HE *SPOKE* WITH MIGHTY TOLFDIR...
AND, IT WAS EPIC!
AARON: The bards will sing of these amazing feats.
In the quest of 'GOOD INTENTIONS'.
♫
AARON: O-O-OHHHH, I gotta go report to SaVoSSss--I gotta let 'em know about everything that's happened!
[Insert EMRE's breathless grunting]
HE'S GONNA BE SO EXCITED.
I gotta get up there quick!
EMRE: EPIC MUSIC!
EMRE and AARON: BOMBAbomBOM BOMBABOMBA BAPFFFT PFFT! BOMBAPFFTTFFT!!
PFFT! SHUBLADOOM! DOOMABOM BABOOMBA BOOMBAPFFTT PFFT! PFFFT PFAPFFTT! BOOMDABOOM!!
[GTA Random Citizen: Yeeeeaaah! BOI, BOI! HaHa! DOPE!]
