In a very real way, for
the next five minutes,
fucking zone out,
I know they made...
They made, like, an
announcement topic,
don't be on your phone, pay
attention, we're taping.
I would say, "zone out."
(audience laughs)
Standup is such an
outdated and boring medium.
It's embarrassing we're
allowed to be up here.
I understand how
standup was interesting
in, like, the 1920's,
when entertainment
was truly awful, and
people were like,
"This morning, we watched
a locomotive go by,"
(audience laughs)
"and then, we saw a show where
"one of the whites talked
for a whole 40 minutes,"
But now...
"He didn't die of polio once!"
But, now, it's
2020, you understand
what you could be
doing with your time
instead of being here?
You understand how
good technology
and entertainment has gotten?
Right now, you could
have sex with your phone
while you lay down in
the backseat of your
self driving car, while your dog
is in the driver's seat
wearing sunglasses,
cruising around, just
fucking freaking people out.
But, now, we're
going to watch this?
And, look, here's the thing:
when I first found
out about this,
this is a huge honor to be here.
I love everyone that
works at Comedy Central.
As a comedian, this
means a lot to someone,
to, like, be on this
show, but, like,
my honest-to-God first
thought was, like,
oh, yeah, it'll be
great to do this taping
because then, I can get
a clip up on Instagram.
(audience laughs)
That's what this
art form has become,
do you understand that?
No one's even watching specials
unless you're like
dragging trans people,
being like, I've
got to watch that
because I'm going
to need an opinion.
The only thing...
(audience laughs)
That's it, that's honestly it!
And, this is not
anti-comedy that I'm doing,
because nothing is more
embarrassing than anti-comedy.
That's, like, a
comedian that comes up,
who's like, I'm actually
cooler than standup.
Oh, cool, guess who else is?
Fucking, everyone.
You can't even admit to yourself
that you want to do the
embarrassing job of standup.
That's like the person
who wanted to be a singer,
but now they bring, like,
their own CD's to karaoke,
like, oh, maybe put this in!
Fucking, admit to yourself,
you want to do it.
It breaks my heart,
because I love this thing
more than anything,
okay, I fly away from
people that I love
so I can do this job.
And, Instagram clips, you
understand what that means?
That means now, as a comedian,
we are competing against,
for your attention,
we're competing against
Instagram butt models,
an impossible task!
You're looking at, like,
a picture of someone's
open birth canal, like,
"Mykonos, take me back!"
(audience laughs)
And, then, it's my
fucking well-crafted joke
from eight months, that's
what we're competing against?
I do love, though, on the
Instagram butt models' posts,
there'll be like 400 horny
guys commenting, right,
but then there'll be
like, that one, like,
fucking white knight that's
going to let her know,
like, he's not like the
rest of the guys, right?
So, he'll post something
innocuous, like,
"Oh, nice pic, but, actually,
like, what book you reading?"
Cool, man, throw
her off the send,
let her know that I'm
not into her, like,
her boobs' meat, but also,
like, her mind's meat.
Or, I don't honestly
have a joke for this,
and you shouldn't
do this on a taping,
anyone watching, but,
like, what's that thing,
where, this is, like, a
new thing, where, like,
a new mom with a baby,
she'll make an Instagram
for her baby, and
then all the captions
are from the baby's
point of view?
Who is the...
Why, who is that for?
It's, like, a photo of a
baby covered in chocolate,
and it'd be like, "Mom
said chocolate was going to
"spoil dinner, good
thing I got the ch-"
(audience laughs)
Who, why, which one
of you is that for?
I understand- look, fuck-
its deeply sweet,
but it's so creepy.
It's the same kind of,
like, creepy and sweet
as like, when PornHub,
around December,
will upload, like,
Christmas themed porn,
and you're like, oh,
why, is that for...
Who?
It's like, "Jizz
the Season," what?
Who the fuck is that for?
Is anyone in this room, like,
jerking off feels great,
but what's the theme?
So, I'll leave you guys on this.
With your guys'
help, because that's
what the art form has become,
and, no, I'm not cooler than it,
I respect this
more than anything,
I need the perfect
Instagram clip,
so, I need you guys' help.
First thing we need
is for the camera guy,
you're in the wide,
can you frame me with
enough head room so I can put an
embarrassing meme,
like, title above me?
It has nothing to
do with the joke,
it's just like,
"Dat moment your mom
"makes your ex be homework."
And, then, we'll put two
very low-res emojis above me.
You couldn't get the
rights to this face, so...
And, then, we'll leave
some room for some
embarrassing subtitles,
because, you know,
nothing's funnier
than reading a joke.
I'm not laughing, what's wrong,
oh, what, okay, "dat
moment the pussy slaps,"
okay, I'm laughing now.
And, then, I need
the joke itself,
it needs to be,
like, very broad,
something that anyone
could come up with,
like, vegans suck, or
gluten free people...
And the visuals of
the joke, it needs to
stand out on your scroll,
so I'm going to
be very physical.
So, don't be thrown
by the fact that
the visuals will
have nothing to do
with the joke itself, okay?
And, the last thing
I need from you guys,
and, are you on there,
does anyone have
a camera facing this way?
Last thing I need
from you guys, is,
from the dawn of time,
Comedy Central will
always do this one thing, where,
they'll cut to someone who's
really enjoying the set.
Right, on the level of,
just, like, Tom Cruise,
I have all the Adderall
and money in the world,
and the person
right next to them
is this guy who's actually
sleeping right here.
And, it's, like, why,
you guys are here.
Why cut to this guy
who's actually sleeping,
and, no, no, no, you,
go back to sleep,
I need you, I need
you, no, I need you.
Shh, shh, it feels
very weird, but
you need to go back to sleep.
So, you go back to sleep,
you guys are killing it,
so, the punch line
will be, let's see.
"That's like swallowing
the needles."
So, when you hear, "That's
like swallowing the needles,"
you go crazy, you go
back to sleep, okay?
So, remember, physicality
not going to match
the joke itself.
(audience laughs)
Thank you, please subscribe.
(audience cheers)
