- I MEAN, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
DID YOU HAVE A HOLE IN THAT,
OR WHAT HAPPENED?
- I'M GONNA CLEAN THAT UP.
- LIKE, REALLY?
- I DIDN'T DO THAT.
- YOU KNOW THIS IS
MY GODDAMN HOME, RIGHT?
- YOU LIVE
IN THIS [bleep]HOLE?
- HELLO.
TODAY WE'RE GONNA TALK TO YOU
ABOUT THE ELECTION OF 1800.
[slurps, laughs]
THOMAS JEFFERSON
AND JOHN ADAMS--
THEY WERE FOUNDING
FATHERS OF AMERICA.
THEY WERE ALSO
THE BEST OF FRIENDS.
ADAMS WAS LIKE,
THE CONSTITUTION--
YOU CAN KIND OF BEND THAT
HOW YOU NEED TO BEND IT.
WE CAN KIND OF WORK
WITH THIS,
AND JEFFERSON
WAS ALWAYS LIKE,
CONSTITUTION IS
THE CONSTITUTION.
YOU CAN'T [bleep] WITH THAT.
BUT THEY LOVED EACH OTHER...
UNTIL ADAMS BECAME PRESIDENT,
AND IMMEDIATELY
THEY STARTED BUTTING HEADS.
JOHN ADAMS WAS LIKE,
IT'S ILLEGAL TO TALK ANY [bleep]
ABOUT THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES,
AND IF YOU DISAGREE
WITH THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT,
[bleep] YOU.
AND JEFFERSON WAS LIKE,
WELL, THIS IS TYRANNY.
THAT'S A VIOLATION
OF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED
FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
IT ALL REALLY REACHES ITS HEAD
ON THE ELECTION OF 1800,
WHERE THESE TWO LIFELONG FRIENDS
WERE PITTED AGAINST EACH OTHER.
ADAMS IS LIKE,
IF YOU ELECT THOMAS JEFFERSON,
HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET.
MURDER ALL THE TIME.
EVERYBODY'S GONNA BE
MURDERING EACH OTHER.
INCEST, YOUR WIVES WILL LOSE
THEIR VIRTUE HAVING SEX
WITH A LOT OF DUDES
WILLY-NILLY.
SO JEFFERSON STARTS
TALKING A LOT OF [bleep]
ABOUT JOHN ADAMS.
WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT GUYS WHO, LIKE,
CREATED THIS COUNTRY.
THEY WERE REALLY LIKE
A BUNCH OF EIGHTH GRADERS.
HE WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
ADAMS HAS PROSTITUTES
SHIPPED IN FROM OVERSEAS
THAT HE BANGS ALL THE TIME.
I'M JUST GONNA--I'M JUST
GONNA TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.
I-I FEEL LIKE I KEEP SEEING
SPIT FLYING FROM MY MOUTH.
- NO, I'M FEELING IT.
- AM I SPITTING A LOT?
- YEAH, I'M GLAD
YOU'RE SEEING IT, YEAH.
- THAT'S GOOD.
- I'M IN THE SPLASH ZONE.
- SO JEFFERSON
WENT TO THE NEWSPAPERS.
HE SAYS,
I WANT TO TELL YOU THIS--
JOHN ADAMS
IS A HERMAPHRODITE.
HE'S GOT BOTH MAN
AND WOMAN SEX ORGANS.
THIS IS, LIKE,
A PUBLISHED STATEMENT
FROM THOMAS JEFFERSON.
ADAMS WAS LIKE, OKAY, FINE.
YOU WANT TO GO THAT ROUTE?
THAT'S WHEN [bleep]
GOT REALLY DIRTY.
ADAMS SAYS, OH, BY THE WAY,
IF YOU WERE THINKING
ABOUT VOTING FOR JEFFERSON,
YOU SHOULDN'T BECAUSE HE'S DEAD.
- THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD CAMPAIGN.
- IT'S A VERY GOOD CAMPAIGN.
- VOTE FOR ME.
I'M ALIVE.
- YEAH.
EVEN IF YOU DISAGREE
WITH EVERYTHING I SAY,
AT THE VERY LEAST, I'M ALIVE.
- WOULD YOU RATHER BE ACCUSED
OF HAVING
A PENIS AND A VAGINA
OR BEING DEAD?
- I THINK BEING ALIVE
WITH A PENIS AND A VAGINA
WOULD BE AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE.
AND YOU'RE ALIVE.
- [laughs]
- JEFFERSON CALLS
UPON A HATCHET MAN,
JAMES CALLENDER, TO PUBLISH
NEWSPAPER ARTICLES ABOUT ADAMS.
ADAMS...
WHAT WAS I GONNA SAY?
OH, YEAH, AND HE WAS GONNA GO
TO WAR WITH THE FRENCH.
THAT'S WHAT WAS PUBLISHED
IN THE NEWSPAPER.
AND IT'S A LIE.
IT'S NOT TRUE AT ALL.
AMERICA WAS LIKE,
I DON'T WANT TO GO TO WAR
WITH THE FRENCH.
THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE.
AND THEY ELECT JEFFERSON
INTO OFFICE.
JEFFERSON WINS.
ADAMS IS LIKE, YOU WANT TO GO
WITH THIS LOSER, FINE.
BUT BEFORE I LEAVE, I'M GOING
TO APPOINT ALL OF THESE PEOPLE
WHO VIOLENTLY OPPOSE EVERYTHING
JEFFERSON STANDS FOR,
AND THEN HE'S LIKE, I HOPE YOU
LIKE ALL THESE ASS[bleep].
SO CUT TO FOUR YEARS
DOWN THE LINE,
AND JEFFERSON'S DAUGHTER DIES,
AND ABIGAIL ADAMS IS LIKE,
LOOK, I KNOW WE'VE HAD OUR
DIFFERENCES WITH JEFFERSON,
BUT I SHOULD POP HIM OFF
A LETTER.
SHE'S LIKE, LOOK,
I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY
ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER,
AND IT SUCKS THAT SHE IS DEAD.
JEFFERSON GETS THIS LETTER,
AND HE'S LIKE,
I-I WANT TO THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR BEING SO CONSIDERATE
ABOUT THE DEATH OF MY DAUGHTER.
BUT WHILE
I'VE GOT YOUR ATTENTION,
I ALSO WANT TO TELL YOU,
[bleep] YOU,
AND [bleep] YOUR HUSBAND
FOR BEING SUCH ASS[bleep]
WHO [bleep] UP MY PRESIDENCY.
THIS IS HOW IMMATURE
THESE GREAT MEN
OF AMERICAN HISTORY WERE.
HE CAN'T EVEN,
LIKE, JUST--
LIKE, THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN
TWO SEPARATE LETTERS.
SHE'S LIKE,
JOHN, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'RE DONE
WITH THOMAS JEFFERSON.
HE'S AN ASS[bleep].
I TRIED TO MAKE IT WORK
WITH THIS GUY,
BUT [bleep] HIM.
SO THESE TWO DON'T SPEAK
FOR A DECADE.
EVENTUALLY, BENJAMIN RUSH,
WHO WAS ANOTHER FOUNDING FATHER,
WAS LIKE,
LOOK, JOHN ADAMS.
JOHNNY, I LOVE YOU TWO GUYS.
WHY AREN'T YOU SPEAKING ANYMORE?
WHY CAN'T WE ALL BE FRIENDS
LIKE WE USED TO BACK
IN THOSE GLORY DAYS,
THOSE 1776 DAYS
THAT WERE SO MAGICAL?
AND JOHN ADAMS WAS LIKE,
LOOK, I LOVE TOMMY JEFFS.
I'M A BIG FAN.
I'LL POP HIM OFF A LETTER.
IT'S VERY GENERAL.
IT'S LIKE,
HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
I-I MISS YOU.
I HOPE YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
HOW'S THINGS GOING?
JEFFERSON GETS THE LETTER.
HE'S LIKE, ADAMS, JOHNNY ADS.
GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU, BUDDY.
IT'S BEEN TEN YEARS.
HOW'S LIFE?
AND THEN
THE LETTERS START FLOWING,
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
THEY START TO CONNECT
ON CERTAIN THINGS.
THEY START TO CONNECT ON,
I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED
ABOUT SLAVERY.
THOMAS JEFFERSON WAS LIKE,
I'M ANTI-SLAVERY,
BUT I DO HAVE
HUNDREDS OF SLAVES.
UH...
UH...
WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?
- KEEP GOING.
YOU GOT IT.
- IT'S WEIRD HOW QUICKLY
ALCOHOL MAKES YOU NOT REALIZE
WHAT YOU SAID AT ALL.
[laughs]
SO, BY THE END OF THEIR LIFE,
THESE TWO HAVE EXCHANGED
158 LETTERS,
AND THEY'RE BEST FRIENDS AGAIN.
THEN IT'S 1826.
JOHN ADAMS IS ON HIS DEATHBED,
AND HIS LAST WORDS ARE,
INDEPENDENCE FOREVER,
AND ALSO,
THOMAS JEFFERSON SURVIVES
BECAUSE THAT GUY'S
[bleep] AWESOME.
LITTLE DID HE KNOW
THAT JUST A FEW HOURS PRIOR,
MILES AND MILES AWAY,
THOMAS JEFFERSON HAD ALSO DIED.
THAT DAY WAS JULY 4TH,
THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY
OF THE SIGNING OF
THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE,
WHICH IS CRAZY.
- THAT'S TRUE FRIENDSHIP.
- TRUE FRIENDSHIP.
- CHEERS.
TO FRIENDSHIP.
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
- WE BARELY KNOW EACH OTHER.
- NO, WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.
