 
## Contents

Cover

Contents

Copyright

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Epilogue

Notes
Copyright © 2017 Melody Burris. All Rights Reserved. Smashwords Edition.

ISBN: 9781370656752

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

This work is fiction, and any resemblance to any persons living or dead is strictly coincidental and unintentional, with the exception of those events based on the courting misadventures of the author's husband, so you can all laugh while I have to just suck it up.

But I don't mind at all, because I got the girl.
Chapter 1

The snooze alarm sounded for the second time. Two months married to a morning person and he still hadn't been converted yet. I put my toothbrush away in the bathroom cabinet and walked the few steps to our bedroom. Mark's size thirteen foot was sticking off the end of the bed uncovered. Laying on his stomach with his head under his pillow he looked like he was trying to keep out not only the sound of the alarm but the day itself as the sun streamed in through the narrow window above the bed.

Unable to resist, I reached my fingertip out and ran it down the center of his barefoot with the lightest touch I could manage. His foot twitched slightly. I waited until it was completely still then I did it again. This time the twitch was more of a kick and I heard a slight groan from under the pillow. Deciding I'd had my fun, I sat on my side of the bed and reached under it for my shoes. I had just crossed my left leg over my knee and was putting on my sneaker when arms clasped me around my waist from behind. I screamed, startled. I found myself being pulled backward as Mark proceeded to tickle me without mercy. Squealing, I begged for mercy anyway and he chuckled as I squirmed trying to get away.

"Mark! Stop, please stop! I screamed through giggles. "Uncle! Uncle!"

Finally, he gave in, hugged me around tightly and kissed the top of my head. "Good morning, Megan. I think today is shaping up to be a fine one." I thought he should have had the decency to wipe the smirk off his face.

"Note to self, never pick a fight with someone who has more upper body strength," I said blandly running my fingers through my hair in an attempt to fix it again. All evidence of sleepiness was gone as Mark beamed back at me. I couldn't help but smile and lean in to kiss him back. It had been quite a price to pay but I added his smile to my total for the week.

Breakfast was another matter we were still working out. I wasn't much for eating when I first got up but Mark, who seemed to constantly be filled with energy, needed the fuel. While he got ready, I made one last effort to fix my mussed hair, walked through our tiny kitchen, popped two pieces of bread in the toaster, and headed out the door. "Breakfast." I hollered over my shoulder to Mark, who was just stepping out of the shower.

It took a bit more preparation to get myself to school on time. The cheap, basement apartment that Mark had found for us, fit the budget perfectly, but on the south west side of Provo it was a considerable distance to school. We worked out our conflicting schedules by purchasing a city bus pass. I had my walk to the bus stop timed down to four minutes, at least until the winter snows hit. I was getting pretty good at using the time on the bus to study or organize my day. Grant, the usual bus driver, was good for a big smile most days and I didn't even have to find a parking place when I got to campus. All things considered, I think I got the better end of the deal.

Of course, being the gentleman that he is, Mark had offered the truck to me first. But when you took into account that he would have to drive to work in the middle of my classes and then I would have to go out late to pick him up from work, this seemed a simpler solution.

The bus's hydraulic brakes decompressed with a loud hiss and I rose from my seat. My classes were more involved this year and I was trying my best. When we'd married, Mark insisted on taking over the cost of my education. My parents were more than a little worried about how we would manage. Mark smiled such a reassuring smile as he placed his hand on my Dad's shoulder. "Not to worry, sir. I will take excellent care of your daughter."

My Dad's only response was, "If she'll let you." They then shared some kind of conspiratorial look and laughed.

I was anxious to make sure that Mark's hard earned money, our money (boy, that took some getting used to), didn't go to waste. I was closer to graduating than Mark was. He was still waiting for official acceptance into the nursing program. The deadline was at the end of the semester and he had managed to arrange his classes to get everything in he needed to qualify.

This year I was washing dishes on the lunch shift, taking classes both before and after work. On Tuesday nights I even had a 6pm class. It was a different perspective on school for me. Before I'd always had my evenings free. Now the only time I tried to keep free was the time that Mark was home.

My phone rang as I walked along the narrow walkway that led to my first class. It was my new sister in law. "Rebekah, aren't you supposed to be in school?"

"I'm taking a sick day. Mom's birthday is tomorrow and I wanted to clean the house while she was out today."

"You faked being sick?"

"Well it isn't faked really. I have a headache. Dad said it was okay."

"So, what can I do?"

"I need to know what Mom puts in the laundry to take the teenage boy smell out."

"Baking soda. It's on the shelf to the right of the dryer. Haven't you ever done the laundry before?"

"Sure, my laundry, but Christian takes things to a whole new level. You would not believe what I found under his bed."

"Wow, you're being thorough. Your Mom will be so happy."

"Only if I manage to get it all done on time."

"Good luck and I hope your headache gets better."

I turned the ringer off and found my seat in the semi-circle. This teacher liked lots of class participation and since there were only 14 of us that meant staying on my toes. Today was a discussion on the benefits of proper hydration while doing physical activities. Being from Arizona I was well versed in the subject and found my mind wondering.

Rebekah's phone call had me mentally going through the Cole's house thinking of all the places that she might miss if she was too hurried, like the stack of old magazines next to the fireplace or the window sills in the living room that always seemed to collect the most dust. I'd only lived with Mark's family for a short time over the summer, but I watched his mother closely and helped most days that I wasn't working. My mother-in-law worked hard and the rest of the Coles made sure she played hard, too. I wasn't sure that I could ever do as much as she did, but I was pretty sure with Mark around I would have lots of support.

After class I stepped outside into the cool breeze. It wasn't quite autumn yet, but the classroom had been so stuffy. I checked my messages as I walked to my next class. I had missed two texts, one from my study partner in Spanish reminding me that we were meeting at three for a review session. Spanish had been Mark's idea. I hadn't taken Spanish since high school and I was really rusty.

The second text was from Mark.

Eating lunch at 12:30. My tray will be the one with the big ketchup heart.

I laughed and wondered if he would really do it. I would have to make sure I was the one by the intake window at that time. Students did all kinds of things to their trays, usually the male students, like stuffing their napkins into their cups to sop up a glass of chocolate milk and then turning the whole thing over. I was used to this kind of thing. It didn't really matter because everything got cleaned off anyway.

I liked all the time I had to think in the dish room. The work was fast paced most of the time, but it was mindless, easy work. I continued to mentally go through the Cole's house with Rebekah as I stacked the dry, hot dishes back into their carts. Had she remembered the sticky underside of the stair railing? What about all the finger smudges by the front door handle? I wished I was there and could help her prepare this surprise for her mom. I had no idea what Mark and I were going to do for her birthday. The distance made it difficult to really celebrate with her the way we wanted to.

Mark's ketchup heart came through around 12:40 and I looked up from my musings to catch him bending down and looking through the window. We smiled briefly at each other before he had to move out of the way for the next person with a tray. Just seeing his face made my afternoon.

Spanish class was a pop quiz on vocabulary. Memorizing things is pretty easy for me. It's the pronunciation that I struggle with. I think that part of my problem is I grew up listening to lots of people around me speak Spanish, so I know how it is supposed to sound and I sound nothing like that. I know I am just being self-conscious and that it will get better if I practice, but I still feel like I'm butchering the language whenever I try to speak it. I managed to get a genuine smile from my TA as I attempted yet again to roll my 'r's. Even though it was for my ineptness, I added it to my total.

* * *

At the end of my classes, I walked the 2 blocks from the bus stop to home with my backpack dragging. It was one of those days that seemed to be stuffed full, the one's where you don't realize how busy you are until it is over and then you crash. The crash for me happened on the bus ride home. I walked slowly on the cracked sidewalks and listened to kids playing ball in their yards or king of the forest or whatever else their imaginations could dream up. It reminded me of playing in my backyard, crown on my head, sword in my hand and two very active younger brothers to act as dragons. I was usually saving the fair Kelly who was just a toddler at the time and rather inclined to crawl away before her rescue.

The memories buoyed me up and I straightened my shoulders for the final block. The entrance to our apartment was in the backyard of the little yellow house. There was no sidewalk, just grass, well what was left of the grass. The way to our little door was well on its way to being a dirt track. Just inside the door was a small landing before descending a half flight of stairs. In true Cole style, we used that landing for storing our shoes. I kicked my sneakers off and plodded down into our kitchenette.

There was a small note on the toaster that said, "Thanks for the toast. Love you." I smiled and added one to Mark's total. It had only taken Mark two Mondays before he asked why I always got a text from my good friend Spencer's mother. I showed him the number and explained our little ritual of counting the smiles we received that week. It was something Spencer and I had started in high school. Now that he was on his mission he sent the total to his Mom in an email and she sent it on to me. With all the enthusiasm Mark can put into something, he wanted to be added to the game. Since then, I hadn't been able to come anywhere near his totals.

I pulled out the little notebook that now held Spencer's tallies. It was a gift I'd been working on for him, along with a log of the letters I'd received. Over the last few nights while Mark was at work I was transferring all of Spencer's totals into this book. My journal now contained only my totals and for seven weeks now, Mark's.

Mark came home just after 10pm. He kicked his shoes off and clomped down the stairs. I was sitting on our DI sofa, reading my history book, and waiting for him. He rounded the corner and a tired but happy smile spread across his lips. I smiled in return giving both of us a tally.

"Did you like my heart?"

"I've always liked your heart, Mark, maybe even more than that floppy hair of yours." I grabbed the pillow that was under my arm and tossed it at him. He caught it expertly and took his aim. This was always the problem with teasing Mark, his retaliation was expert. I tried a distraction. "Did you know that tomorrow is your mom's birthday?"

"Sure, it's been the 14th for a long time."

"Thank you, I meant did you remember?" I stood up and he tossed the pillow on the sofa and enveloped me in a hug that made up in warmth what it lacked in enthusiasm. "Tired?"

He nodded.

I pulled him down onto the couch next to me and laid my head on his shoulder. "Can I get you something to eat?"

"No, I ate a big lunch. I was just thinking about going to bed."

"Well, what are we going to do about your mom?"

"I sent her a card last week."

"Just a card. Don't you want to do something fun?"

"Megan, her birthday is tomorrow, I'm tired, and I don't think she will mind getting a card. It was a nice card."

"Just wait. I have an idea. Tomorrow morning I don't have any classes. Why don't we make a music video and put it on YouTube. You can email her the link and she will get it in plenty of time."

"I'm not sure. I really just want to sleep, but if you want to, we can do it." I smiled. That made three for him today and that was just from me. He was going to skunk me again, not that it was much of a competition. Still with all my years of practice you'd think I'd be better at it.

* * *

I spent the early hours of the morning getting the things ready for filming. Mark had a laptop that would serve nicely as the camera. I made the apartment extra clean and even made a real breakfast of pancakes and sausage before I woke Mark.

He grumbled only slightly until I kissed his nose and snuggled in close to him. "Time to get up."

"Why don't we just stay here?"

It was tempting. The bed was still that seductive warm that makes you sleepy even when you're not and Mark's arm draped over my side trapped me even further. "Okay, but just 5 minutes."

I woke up a half an hour later to a gentle touch on my cheek. "Hey, sleepyhead. Don't we have things to do? And don't I smell something good."

"Pancakes and sausage," I mumbled.

"Excellent."

"But they're cold by now."

"It was worth it." He hugged me in tighter and kissed me. Then with a deep sigh he rolled over and out of the bed. "Come on, time's a wasting."

I laughed at this reversal of roles and tossed my pillow at him determined to show him just how difficult he usually was. He caught the pillow in the back and turned. I was reminded right away how unfairly matched we were when he scooped me up off the bed and headed for the kitchen. I was placed in one of the mismatched kitchen chairs, still wrapped in a blanket.

"I can heat that up."

"Don't bother, you cooked. I can use the microwave. Why don't you just tell me your plan?"

"Okay, so I was thinking that we could do the Beatles birthday song. You know lip-syncing and dancing that kind of thing. We both have sunglasses and I could make your hair funny." I looked at him fresh out of bed and said, my hand covering a smirk, "well, funnier."

He self-consciously patted his hair down and put a hand on his hip. "Do you want this or not." I considered the merits of eating breakfast over the benefits of teasing Mark. "Besides," he added, "I'm not the only one with bedhead this morning, my little Mrs."

I reached out for the plate and took his hand for the prayer. It was a habit we had developed since the first day we were married. Sometimes, I allowed myself to picture someone on the other side holding my hand and someone's hand for them to hold until a whole family surrounded the table in prayer. It was a beautiful dream, but I didn't want to lose sight of the fact that Mark was right here, his hand in mine, and he was the family I had for the moment and for forever. Earning his smiles had become a large part of my new life.

When breakfast was cleaned up and hair made presentable we began with only a few changes. Mark had suggested that we do the primary song Happy, Happy Birthday instead of the rocking Beatles tune. As soon as he suggested it, I knew his mom would prefer it. He and I began to sing and then to sing it in a round. It wasn't the big production I was planning, but it was heartfelt and pure Mark. My mother in law would love it.

I had just enough time to edit and post the video before I needed to leave for work. Mark drove me because he had a class. As we drove, he held my hand in between shifts and we made plans for the evening. I was looking forward to the weekend. Mark didn't work on most weekends so it was the time of the week when I got to spend lots of time with him. One more work shift and he was all mine until Monday, well with the exception of that hour for priesthood meeting on Sunday.

* * *

I got home from school a little earlier and sat out on the curb watching the kids ride their bikes. There were four kids out today all about the same age except for the one girl who looked like she might me someone's little sister. I opened the mail, sorting through the junk and the bills as I watched her try to keep up with the others. The children raced past as I discovered an envelope from my cancer doctor. It was probably some kind of reminder that I needed to make an appointment. I hated this time of year. I couldn't wait for it all to end.

Maybe someday I could get through an autumn without running headlong into what felt like a brick wall. As if on cue, one of the boys ran his bike into a parked car across the street. I paused and started to get up. The boy seemed momentarily stunned, but unhurt. He looked around a little guiltily and raced off again. I however, sat dazed.

I considered not even opening it. After all, it was my mail. I could just rip it up with the other junk and toss it in the trash. I always had such great plans for escape, but ultimately, I am just too obedient to follow through with any of it. I tore the letter open and found a small card inside. It was an appointment card with a date and time handwritten on it. The appointment was for next Monday at 2 pm. I was puzzled and a bit upset. It didn't take me long to figure out what had happened. My mom had made my appointment without even consulting me. So much for feeling grown up.

By the time Mark got home that night I was raging inside. The only good sense I'd managed all evening was not to call my mom when I was this mad. He came down the stairs in his usual tired but happy state to find me battling tears. Immediately, he rushed to my side on the couch and I wiped them away not really wanting to put him through all my darker emotions. This was not the best way for a new wife to welcome her husband home. I forced a smile, but it was one that he couldn't really count. "So, how was your day? You look tired."

"It was good. But Megan what's wrong?"

"Oh, it's just..." I started to cry again and he reached over with his hand and pressed my check against his chest.

"Sweetheart, what is it?"

"My mom..." I sputtered, still unable to say it.

"Did something happen to your mom? Is she okay?"

The front of Mark's scrubs now had a huge wet spot. I pulled away and tried to mop it up with my hand. "My mom is fine. I'm just so mad at her." I took a deep breath and began, "She made a doctor's appointment for me without even asking. I mean at what point do I become an adult? She knows that I hate these appointments and yet she smugly sits there a state away and runs my life for me."

The gentle patting that Mark was doing on my back abruptly stopped. "This is about your cancer appointment?"

I nodded my head, yes.

"Oh....Megan, your mom didn't make that appointment... I did."

I sat frozen and processing. It felt like I had just been hit in the stomach. Without thinking, I stood, went into the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. I curled my knees to my chest and tucked my arms close. Mark came in a few minutes later and quietly got into bed. We laid there in a kind of silence that made the darkness in the room seem heavy. Finally, I felt a tentative hand on my back. His body stayed on the far end of the bed, but his arm bridged the gap and then he spoke. "Megan, I know you're mad. I'm sorry. It's just that I know how much you don't like these appointments, so I didn't want to burden you with it until I needed to. It's a sorry excuse and you're right, you are an adult. I love you."

I thought of a hundred angry responses, but the pain in Mark's voice and the gentle touch on my back kept me from saying any of them. I sniffed a little then said, "I love you, too. But I'm still mad and I may be for a while. Just go to sleep, we can talk more in the morning."

He didn't say anything and I could feel how tense he was. Even though I was upset I reached back and grabbed his hand, resting them both on my side. He snugged in closer and both of us lay there for a long time not sleeping.
Chapter 2

The weekend passed less gleefully than I had planned. Still a bit frustrated with my well-meaning husband, I'd deliberately had to act nice to him. Normally, enjoying his company and doing things to make him smile came naturally. Mark too, seemed to be acting around me as if he might stub his toe at any moment. It was not a restful way to spend the days off and I was grateful for a little time away from it on Monday. This was the dreaded day of my appointment, but I was anxious now for it to come so that it would be over.

"Okay, I'm leaving now. Love you." I went into the bathroom and placed a peck on his freshly shaven cheek. The other cheek still had shaving cream on it.

"I'll pick you up after work and then we can go."

"You don't have to bother. I can do it myself. You should go to work." I said this while staring at my feet so that I couldn't see his expression. I was pretty sure he would be hurt. It wasn't my intention really to hurt him, just to set some kind of boundary when it came to this sort of thing. It was in Mark's nature to involve himself in everything, but this was mine alone to deal with.

I rushed out the door before he could reply. I didn't want another argument, not that angry words had been actually spoken. It was just the way everything felt different like we weren't connected anymore.

I had a difficult time focusing on classes or work. But it wasn't the appointment that occupied my thoughts, it was Mark. I felt guilty. A thousand times I debated my decision to have him not be at the doctor's with me. It was selfish, I knew it, but I was still frustrated. I debated right up until the time that the nurse called me back to the exam room. I sat in my little paper gown, staring at the rose pink walls and wishing I'd been brave enough to admit I was wrong. He could be holding my hand right now. Part of me had thought all along that we would come anyway; that he couldn't stay away. But he wasn't here and I was missing him.

The doctor came in and performed his usual exam. By now I was so used to the procedures, I could pretty much coast through them; when I wasn't terrified.

"Well everything seems to check out. I think we can graduate you today."

"What?"

"Congratulations, I don't need to see you for 2 years. Unless of course, you experience any difficulties."

This was what I had been wanting to hear. I was finally past all the drama associated with my cancer. Two years was a long time to forget and enjoy and yet I didn't feel joy. I was still feeling loss. I couldn't wait to set things right with Mark, if he would let me.

* * *

He came home at the usual time, looking more than a bit worse for wear. I pasted on a brave smile and handed him a snack. He ate without saying anything and I was puzzled. Why wasn't he asking about the appointment? Did he not care anymore? No, that didn't fit Mark. The answer was horrifyingly obvious and the guilt stabbed at me again. I had made him afraid to even approach the subject. How was I going to fix this?

"Well, good news. The doctor says I don't need to come back for a whole two years."

He looked up from his PB&J with relief and pain warring on his face. "You're okay?" He stood and pressed me close to him in a hug that took my breath away. He stood there clinging as tightly as he could, my face crushed to his chest. "You're really okay?" I could hear the tears in his voice and I realized, for the first time, just how worried he had been.

He held me like that for the longest time, with tears dropping into my hair. I let him hold me, grateful that I could give him some relief and hoping that we could easily mend the rift between us. This had been the worst weekend I'd experienced since Mark and I had been together. I never wanted to feel that way, never wanted to shut Mark out like that, and never wanted him to hurt because of me ever again.

* * *

I spent Tuesday afternoons with Mr. Wallace, a gentleman that lived in the care facility Mark worked at. Though our friendship had grown a lot over the past couple months of regular visits, the man was still grumpy.

"You again." It was his normal greeting and I smiled, crossed the room and gave him a peck on the cheek.

"I'm glad to see you too, Mr. Wallace. How has your week been?"

"Down right gloomy. What'd you do to that boy? He's been sulking."

I grimaced. "You're right. I have been making life difficult for him. I'm afraid I'm still learning how to do this whole married thing."

"Is that all? Well, just keep at it. Took me years before I had it all figured out. I can say that cause the Mrs. isn't here to contradict me. Likely she'd say I never figured it out."

Words of encouragement from this man were rare and I found it a great comfort. "I just hope I can figure it out before Mark gives up on me." I was joking a little, but as I said it the fear clinched my heart. I didn't realize that deep down I was worried.

"That boy's no quitter. And I don't think you're one either. Besides, I put you together myself and I don't make mistakes."

"You're right. How about a nice stroll in the garden for the matchmaker extraordinaire?"

* * *

Mark was busy when I stopped in at the nurse's station to say goodbye. I didn't want to let another moment go by before telling him how much I loved him. After my realization last night we'd talked and held each other. Things were much better and today I was feeling especially grateful for such a caring companion. I found him in the room just two doors down from Mr. Wallace. I waited by the door for five minutes before he emerged. I was always impressed watching him work. He had many people who needed his care so he worked quickly, but was never abrupt about it. Each person got his warm friendly smile and a listening ear for the time that he was helping them. No wonder the man's smile totals were off the charts. Who wouldn't be pleased to see him?

He was a bit surprised to see me as he came rushing out of the door and almost barreled into me. "Megan, you haven't left for class yet? He checked his watch. You're going to be late."

"I'll make it. I just wanted to see you before I go and tell you that I love you." I stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek, not wanting to cause a scene in his place of work. "I'll be here to get you at 10 sharp."

I hurried down the hall waving over my shoulder at the man who stood still smiling at me. I was going to count that one twice because it made my day.

I was seven minutes late to class, but it was worth it. I snuck in the back of the large auditorium just after the opening prayer. Still feeling a bit giddy, I unpacked my notebook and text. I'd read the chapters we were covering today so I found the lecture easy and straightforward. During the times the teacher was answering questions or when my mind seemed to wonder, I found myself making a list of all the things I loved about my husband. It was in the margin of my worn notes and I couldn't help feeling like a teenager as I doodled his name and mine together. By the time the lecture was over and everyone around me was packing up their stuff, I'd flipped to a whole new page drawing hearts, roses, and x's and o's.

Embarrassed by the odd glance of the person sitting next to me, I hastily closed the book and began to pack up. Tuesday nights were busy. They meant Mr. Wallace, class and then grocery shopping. It was the only night that I had the truck to myself, I tried to get the errands done so that Mark could relax on the weekends. I drove towards my favorite shopping area, relieved that I no longer dreaded driving the manual transmission. Mark had begun teaching me just 7 months ago and I'd hated it. Now I could drive without even thinking about it.

Practice really did make things easier. Maybe practice was all I needed in my marriage. I guess I couldn't expect everything about being married to come naturally, I had been independent for a while. Now it was about letting go and sharing the burdens. I didn't like to trouble Mark with that stuff, he already had so much to do. Still, if I rationally thought about it, life couldn't be all good stuff. We had chosen to share all of our times together and that included the bad. Nothing had been as bad as this weekend and I knew that trying to do everything alone was the worst idea. There had to be some kind of balance between totally dependent and separate, if I could just figure it out.

* * *

I was parked in front of the nursing home at 9:55pm. My mind thrilled as I pictured him walking through the front doors. He looked so cute in his scrubs, though I kept it a secret from him. If he knew, I might never get him into regular clothes on the weekends and I did like to go out on occasion.

The clock read 10:23 before he finally emerged. I was just about to go in and check on him but being a few minutes late was not unusual. When you are caring for people sometimes things happen and you just can't get out the door when the shift ends.

It was a beautiful night, so I got out of the truck to hug him as he approached. He saw my arms extended and came closer, stopping inches from me. "Wait, as much as I would love that hug, I am kind of gross right now. Let me go home and have a shower first, okay. Then I will give you all the hugs you want."

"All the hugs I want?"

"Yep."

"Wait, no fair. I'm the one who has to get up early tomorrow."

He laughed and patted my head in a playful way. "Why do you think I felt safe making the offer? You almost like hugs as much as I do."

We held hands on the way home and it felt so good to feel connected again, like we were one. I could feel pent up energy under his tiredness. It was kind of a constant thing for him. One of the reasons he tended to sleep in was because he just couldn't settle down at night to sleep.

That is one of the reasons I'd started making him a snack so late at night. Somehow with his stomach full he was able to settle down and sleep better. Kind of like when my mom had fed my baby sister, Kelly, rice cereal before bed to help her sleep through the night. Mark was far from being a baby, but he did seem to respond to food in similar ways. I had a bowl of ramen waiting for him when he got out of the shower. He ate quickly and then I got my hugs.

* * *

Now that things were better with Mark I decided that I needed to give my mom a quick report of my good news. I called in between work and my 3:00 class. She was in the middle of sewing a dance costume for Kelly and sounded a bit frustrated.

"It doesn't matter how many times I work with sequins, I still find them troublesome."

"I'm sorry. Do I need to let you go?"

"No, I could use a break. What's up?"

"I just wanted to tell you about my doctor's visit."

"Oh, that's right. It is that time again isn't it?"

This surprised me. Mom was always so vigilant. "Yeah, I went Monday."

"So how did it go?"

"Great. I don't have to go back for two years."

"Megan, that's wonderful. Congratulations."

"Mom, you're acting weird. Are you okay?"

"I'm acting weird?"

"Yeah, you usually drive me crazy about his stuff, but now you seem almost indifferent."

"Not indifferent, Megan, just... well, I trust Mark to take care of you. I know that he has everything in hand."

"What like I can't take care of myself?"

"Now don't go getting offended. I just meant that a mom likes to know that her baby is being taken care of, that someone is looking out for them. I know you can look out for yourself, but now that Mark is around, I can turn my watch over to him. It's the same with George and Lindsey. Once I gave George to her, I trusted her to take care of him."

Mom was sounding a bit emotional and I still didn't quite get it, but I couldn't fault her for trusting Mark. "Moms," I sighed and she laughed.

* * *

Wednesday nights were a treat for me because since my call last month I had reentered the world of Young Women's. Our family ward was kind of small in the youth department and huge in the primary so there were just three presidency members. I was the second counselor and as such was in charge of the Beehives. It was a fun age as they were still so new and excited about the young women programs. Tonight, I was accompanying them to do baptisms for the dead at the Temple so instead of taking the bus all the way to my normal stop, I caught the bus that would deliver me to where Mark worked. The truck couldn't really hold many girls but this way I wouldn't have to worry about the bus delaying my arrival at the temple.

I knew Mark would be busy, but I still wanted to see him even if it was only for a moment. I wandered down the hall looking for any signs that he might be around. Residents were being taken to the dining room for dinner so it was an especially busy time for him. I went to Mr. Wallace's room to see if he was still there. Mr. Wallace sat in his chair waiting for help. His face lit up when he saw me. Well, it lit up as best as Mr. Wallace's face can light up which means that he wasn't scowling.

"Want a lift?" I asked.

"What are you doing here? It's not Tuesday."

"Just needed a Mr. Wallace fix." I said with a straight face and he chuckled.

"More likely you're here for that husband of yours. I know how it is, but you can't have him until 10:00."

"Shucks," I said, snapping my fingers and pouting. I wheeled the chair out of the room and closed the door behind me. Mr. Wallace likes his domain private or so he has told me recently. I can understand. I would hate for everyone walking through the place to see my room, too. I set the break on the wheelchair and left Mr. Wallace to terrorize the others at his table.

I walked back through the hall looking for Mark. In my backpack I carried a small offering that I hoped would make his night better. I caught up with him as he was coming out of Mr. Wallace's room. He took one look at me and let out a big puff of air. "Well that explains it. Did you take Mr. Wallace to the dining room?"

I laugh. "Why, is he missing?"

Mark walked over to me moving his mouth as if he were swishing mouth wash back and forth. "You, miss, are trouble."

"Mrs. Thank you very much."

"Mrs. Of course."

"I'm here for the truck and to give you this." I handed him the Twix candy bar (one of his favorites) and I gave him a quick peck on the cheek. He gave me a thank you and a look that said he would like to revisit the kissing later. I beamed at him and then ran off down the hall before I delayed his work anymore.

The peace of the temple seemed to flow through me as I stood in the hall outside the dressing room waiting for my 3 little Beehives. All my cares seemed to leave every time I visited the temple. This was Angela Tanner's first time in the temple and her mother stood next to me, excited. Together we waited in silence for the beautiful girls all dressed in white to emerge.

They were indeed beautiful and fresh almost glowing. I noted how clean their faces were. When I had exited the dressing room Holly was giving Jessica instructions on removing all of her make up. I left her to it because the directions would be better coming from a peer than a leader. Now I could see all the brightness of wonder in their eyes as they felt the temple's special spirit. Jessica's eyes were smiling from behind clear lashes. All the dark makeup that she preferred was wiped clean and she looked much younger. Holly was showing some great leadership qualities.

I wondered if this is how Elder Waters (my good friend, Spencer) felt when he trained a new companion. Recently in a letter he spoke of trying to help a new Elder with the language and how they had worked so hard and prayed so fervently. Watching others grow had an excitement all its own.

* * *

I drove home that night thinking about changes, growth and how easy it was to not even notice your progression. From my prospective I had a really long way to go, so it was hard to see any progress I'd made so far. In fact, when I did think of progress, I thought of friends. People who, in my opinion, were doing great things like how Nathan used to be glued to ESPN, but now he was happily serving in a very poor area in Seoul.

I got all my information about Nathan, Mark's former roommate, from Jackie. I wasn't sure it would last, but so far Jackie was very diligently waiting for Nathan. I loved my energetic, insightful friend. She was just as loud and chatty with me as she was when we shared a room last year only now it was mostly over the phone. She was staying in the same apartments we'd had last year and making all kinds of new friends, but I still got the occasional call and frequent texts.

I thought of how silly I thought she was at the beginning with her pink apron and quilted placemats. I always gave her props for her cooking skills, though, and was currently trying to imitate them. If imitation was the best form of flattery, she should be feeling pretty flattered. Although, with the way I cooked, it probably wasn't much of an imitation.

Now even the apron thing was getting to me. Strange things had been happening since I'd first seen my apartment with Mark. I wanted to make it a home, to give it something that said Mark and Megan live here. I was still working on this because as easy as it sounds décor based on personality doesn't happen overnight, especially when you aren't even sure what you really like.

It was over a week after the wedding before I even saw our place. I was tired from our long trip. Mark had insisted we actually have a honeymoon even though we'd just gotten back from a big vacation with his family. Right after the wedding there was a special luncheon in our honor for family and friends. When we had eaten and the speeches were done, Mark handed me an outfit and had me change in the bathroom. I came out in jeans, a t-shirt, and his flannel shirt. We said our goodbyes, he walked me to the truck and that was the last I saw of Provo for a week.

Somewhere deep in the mountains, it may have been Utah, Idaho or Wyoming, I'm not even sure, there was a small rustic cabin. It was awesome with its wood floors and rock fireplace. There was a water pump at the side that made washing up an adventure. All around were tall trees and squirrels and footpaths that were more like deer trails. The back of the truck was full of bedding and food. I wondered how he had managed to arrange everything in the days leading up to the wedding. We had both been so busy. I didn't even arrive in Provo until the night before we were to be married.

In the month and a half since we had parted at the end of the family vacation, he had found us an apartment, which is not an easy thing, and prepared all of this. He had also continued to work and help out at home. Mark's family was always happy to have him home. He seemed to make the burdens of caring for so many easier on his parents and he never acted like it was a hardship. When he was with his family he was all in and everyone loved being around him. I got a glimpse of that when I lived with his family last spring.

Thinking of that trip and of Mark's sweet nature had me wishing that it was 10:00 already and Mark was walking out of work to meet me. I thought of the hike we'd taken the first morning of our honeymoon. The sun was peaking occasionally through the canopy of trees and he was holding my hand. He went first through a narrow section holding branches out of my way so that they wouldn't hit me in the face. The sun was shining all around his head like a hallow making the tips of his curls look red. He smiled and I knew right then that the smiles I wanted to earn most in the world were his.

I looked down at my watch. It was only 9:20 this was going to be a long hour before I would get to pick him up. I parked on the street in front of the house and went around the back to our apartment. The way was dark because I had forgotten to turn the outside light on when I left. Lucky for me the family that lived upstairs had several lights on and I could see enough to fit my key in the lock.

I changed out of my dress, placing my shoes carefully under the bed. Mark had a habit of getting up several times a night for water and he would often trip over things in our room. One time my high heels not only tripped him, but scratched his foot pretty bad. Since then, I have been very careful of where I put them. I tried to keep water by the side of the bed for him, but I think he just feels the need to get up and walk around because he will drink it and still get up.

* * *

When the alarm went off the next morning Mark moaned. I crawled over him and shut it off. Then I curled into his side and spent another 20 minutes listening to him breathe. My big fuzzy hair tickled his face occasionally and he would reach a hand up in his sleep and brush it aside. This was one of my favorite things about Tuesday and Thursday mornings, just lying still and enjoying being near him.

I reluctantly got out of bed and began my morning routine. This morning I was trying out a new muffin recipe that Jackie had given me. It turned out to be a bit more involved than I had anticipated and it was a half an hour later before I was able to put them in the oven and go take a shower. The weather was still nice enough outside that it would be okay that I was going to work with a wet head. I was excited, getting dressed and thinking about having fresh apple muffins to offer for breakfast. Mark would be totally surprised.

I dressed in the dark so that he could sleep, but as I checked my email on the computer set up in the corner of our room it made a loud chime and he stirred. Quickly, I turned down the volume and looked back over my shoulder to see if he had gone back to sleep. His back was to me and he wasn't moving so I opened an email from Caleb.

My new brother in law had a tendency to make me laugh. This email was a picture of a monkey picking its nose. I smiled and scrolled down. This time he managed to write a quick note, mostly I just get the pictures.

Mom liked the video you guys did. She smashed birthday cake in Dad's face. Wish we could have gotten a picture of it. Beat level 4 on Iceblocking 3000.

Caleb

When I shut the screen off and turned around, Mark was up on one elbow staring at me.

"Good morning. What smells so good?"

"Breakfast."

"No, really, I've smelled toast before and that isn't it." He smirked at me and I tossed the towel I'd been using to dry my hair at his face.

"I am a woman of many talents. I can make more than toast." I got up from my chair and made an exaggerated effort in walking very primly to the bed. I touched his nose with the end of my index finger. "I'm going to eat them all if you don't get up."

The response was not immediate, but by the time I was putting the plates on the table he came slowly through the bedroom door. His hair was almost normal except for the flattened side that he'd slept on. I put two muffins on his plate for starters and I hoped that they would be good enough that he would want more.

"Caleb just emailed me. Your mom smashed cake in your dad's face on her birthday."

"Wonder what he said?"

"Can't imagine, not with those two, but I'm sure he retaliated."

"Probably not yet. Dad's good with biding his time, waiting for the perfect moment."

"Your parents are so much more fun than mine."

"Oh, I don't know. Your mom has quite the sense of humor. Remember when she sent me out to buy diapers, formula and tampons just to see if I would."

"Yeah, that was kind of an easy test for you. I wonder what she did with that stuff."

"Your dad on the other hand was completely terrifying. I thought he was going to stare at me until I confessed every evil thought I'd ever had."

"Oh, please. Like you have ever had a bad thought."

"Contrary to what you might believe, I am not perfect. Although I can understand the confusion." He brushed some imaginary dust from his shoulder and winked.
Chapter 3

Saturday night Mark and I volunteered to chaperone at our stake dance. I hadn't been to a youth dance since I was a senior and never with a date, so I wasn't sure what to expect. Spencer and I had always hung out with a large group of friends and there was never any question of who I would dance with. Now, although most of my dances were reserved for the man whose ring I wore, he felt an obligation to keep the young ladies in our ward dancing. I likewise helped our young men find their courage. When we failed to get a young man to ask a young woman, we would try a young woman asking a young man. This didn't always go well and Mark would ease the girls hurt feeling by asking her to dance. I was reminded of the double date we had gone on with his brother Christian. Mark was always a gentlemen and it made we wonder if it just came naturally or if he had learned it.

The final slow dance of the night was taken up by us trying to get everyone out on the dance floor. They raised the lights up a bit half way through the song and the kids started playing with the balloons and streamers. I stood watching Mark spin a Mia Maid around the floor until she got distracted by a balloon and he came to find me. I gladly danced the last half of the song with him.

When the dance was over we helped clean up. This was something we always did. Mark would never leave any function without helping to clean up. It didn't matter if he was assigned or not. If there were chairs to be put away or trash to collect, he was all over it.

When we got home, Mark sat at the top of the steps to remove his shoes. I kept my heels on until the bedroom and shoved them under the bed again. I was getting ready for bed, when I heard music coming from the living room. Mark leaned in the doorway, one leg crossed casually over the other. "May I have this dance?"

"I thought we were done with dancing for the night. Aren't you tired?"

"I only got to have half of the last dance with you, though."

I blushed. "Oh, okay." I brushed my nightgown down so that it would hang right and took his hand. He led me into the living room like he was leading me onto the dance floor. We were half way through our second song when his phone rang.

"Answer it."

"No, it's fine."

"Mark, what if it is important?"

"It's always important, Christian needs help with math, Caleb isn't sure where to find the secret opening in some game, Rebecca wants some advice. It just goes on and on. They need to learn to live without me now."

"Mark?" That didn't really sound like my husband. He was usually so happy to hear from his siblings. I wondered what was going on.

He sighed and picked up the phone. "It's Andy."

I walked over and turned the music off. I wondered what Andy wanted but I went to brush my teeth because getting just one side of the conversation can be so annoying.

Mark followed me. "Can we make it to Andy's ward tomorrow? Sacrament is at 10am."

Our ward met at the 1:00 slot so I would have plenty of time to get back and teach my lesson. "That should work." I wanted to ask why, but he left the bathroom before I could.

Andy's ward met in one of the buildings on campus. Mark parked at the bottom of the hill and we walked up a small trail that led to the JSB. There were still a few birds chirping in the trees overhead as we walked hand in hand. Mark was making rumbling noises in the back of his throat that made my bones shake a little, like they do at a parade when a marching band passes. I smiled thinking of how much I liked listening to his deep voice.

Andy's phone call last night had been a plea for help and of course Mark would never turn away from helping someone, even if his relationship with that someone was still a bit weird. Andy had attended our wedding, but remained more or less on the sidelines. Mark had given the best man position to his brother Christian, a role that he performed very formally. He was so formal in fact, that it reminded me of the first time we'd met and he'd bent over my hand with a sweeping bow and had kissed it.

Mark had greeted Andy with a big slap on the back and a joyous grin as we all gathered outside to take pictures after the wedding, but since then the two hadn't really spent much time together. I felt a little guilty making their friendship strained, but Mark assured me that this would have happened when one of them married anyway and it had nothing to do with my history with Andy.

Anyway, the fact that Andy had called when he needed someone to fill the baritone part last minute was perfect. Not only would Mark get to sing, one of his favorite things, but it would give the two friends an opportunity to reconnect. It couldn't have worked out better if I had planned it, though of course, I never would have wished the bad cold on the singer who originally held the position.

We made our way into the somewhat stuffy building. Someone had turned the heat on a little prematurely and the air felt heavy and warm. It was strange to be here in this singles ward where roommates sat in groups. There was the occasional couple, but none married like we were. I had been in a ward like this just 6 months ago and yet already it felt foreign, like I was some alien creature observing the other.

Andy sat in the row in front of us and turned with his arm over the back of the chair talking to Mark until one of the counselors in the bishopric stood to begin the meeting. Mark squeezed my hand and I tried not to feel strange that Andy was still trying his best not to look me in the eye. I felt kind of sorry for him. I had come to terms with who I was and that the Lord loved me, but he had not been a part of that process, except maybe to start it in the first place. I could feel the guilt radiating off of him and I just wasn't sure how to tell him that he didn't have to feel that way. I was wonderfully happy with the man that was intended for me, at least I liked to think that we were somehow destined to be together. How else could the joy that I felt just being with him be explained.

Mark stretched his arm over the back of my seat putting a firm hand on my opposite shoulder that hugged me in close to his side, well as close as he could with the arm rest between us. I teased him a bit by letting my hair tickle his face. He reached up and brushed it down gently. Oh how wonderful and whole I felt. It was probably wrong to be so content and loving in front of the occupants of this ward. I truly was not trying to rub in the fact that I was married and very happy.... I just was and I couldn't stop being that just to fit in.

After the first talk Andy stood and Mark followed him up to the front. I readjusted myself, letting the circulation back into parts of my body that had been numb for a while. Mark took the sheet music and confidently joined in without having practiced the song with the other 3 men. His talents were many and though I was starting to find some of my own, I envied his musical abilities. My own singing talents I used mainly for singing around the campfire and worshiping the Lord in the congregation on Sundays, but always in the congregation and never in front of a group because I needed that many voices to keep me on tune. Mark could read the music and seemed to know instinctively what his voice should do even if his voice was the only one singing that part.

The music swelled and the blending of their voices was like a prayer. I beamed at Mark and he looked often in my direction and once even winked. I am sure that I blushed because he smiled and then went back to putting his full attention into the performance. I was not the only person in the room riveted by the song and the sincerity of its musicians. There were many faces transfixed and even a few with tears. I hoped Mark was counting all the smiles directed at the quartet. He would beat his last week's total with ease at this rate.

As the song ended, of course, there was no applause, but I sensed if not heard a collective sigh. Mark returned and I could feel a slight tremble in his arm as he placed it once again around my shoulders. He whispered, "I'm glad that's over," quietly in my ear. It was a wonder to me that he had been nervous. He appeared so composed and at ease. I felt a little disappointed that there was yet something about him I didn't know. Living together for over two months had not taught me everything there was to know about my eternal companion. At least I would have that eternity to learn it all.

* * *

Later that evening Mark seemed down. He was laying on the sofa with his long legs extended over the end. The ugly orange and olive green flowers of the sofa fabric clashed with his light grey suit pants, but then, they clashed with most things. I scooped up his legs with a mighty heave and sat down placing his legs back across my lap. He looked at me as if he'd just noticed I was in the room. His eyes still had a far-away look as he said. "Oh, hi. I'm sorry do you need help with dinner?"

I looked at him, rolling my eyes, but concerned that he was getting sick. "No, it's in the oven. What's up with you? Are you feeling sick?"

He puffed out a half laugh and made to sit up. I stubbornly held tight to his legs making it difficult for him to sit without wrestling me a bit. Uncharacteristically of him he laid back down accepting defeat. I started to really worry.

"Come on what is it?"

"It's stupid really. I was just thinking about," he paused chewing on his lower lip before continuing. "I was just thinking that I'm not much of a husband."

It was so ridiculous that I barked a laugh before I could stop myself. He frowned and chewed on his lip some more and tried to pull his legs away from me. "Mark, I'm sorry. It's just that that's the craziest thing I've ever heard. You are a wonderful husband and I am grateful every day for you."

His eyes went a little glassy and he shook his head. "But I'm not taking care of you like I should."

"Where did you ever get that idea? Look at me. I am fit and capable and I certainly don't appear to be starving or freezing or unhappy in any way."

"Megan." He said exasperatedly. "There are so many more things I need to do. I realized today during Elder's Quorum that I have never given you a blessing. Talk about a total failure. Even when you were so worried about your appointment I was more concerned with you being mad at me than I was about acting like the priesthood leader in our home." He ended with a deep sigh and looked away from me.

This was all guilt... got it. I'd had days like that at church too. Not that guilt was something we as Latter Day Saints were supposed to encourage. Still, every once in a while a lesson or talk might just leave me feeling a bit guilty. The real decision at that point was to decide if it was legitimate and I needed to change the way I was doing things or if I was just wallowing. I could see which way Mark was heading, but I didn't know how to snap him out of it.

"Okay, so a blessing may have been called for and you didn't offer. I also didn't ask for one. That isn't the end of the world. Let's just look at it as a learning opportunity. Next time we will know better. In the meantime, you are excellent at making sure we have prayer and scripture study. You do your home teaching and you take us to the temple. I think that it is safe to say that as the spiritual leader in our home you excel."

He waited a long moment before he spoke. "Do you really think so?" The hope in his voice was tentative, but it was there and I smiled the biggest broadest smile I could muster for his reassurance and nodded my head. He sat up leaning on an elbow. "Dinner smells good. When do we eat?"

I shoved his legs off my lap playfully and he halfway tumbled to the ground. "It will be another 15 minutes or so."

"Good then I have time for this." He reached up and yanked me by my arm onto the floor next to him. I was already giggling when he began to tickle me and I couldn't recover enough to breathe until he mercifully paused to let me do so.

He recovered so quickly from his gloom that I wondered if he was putting on an act. But how do you ask someone to open up when they are so determined to appear strong? After we'd cleaned up dinner and had gotten ready for bed, I curled up next to him and rested my head on his chest. There was something so healing about this for me and I hoped that it had a similar affect for him. Maybe if he was still hurting he could gain strength from me. He didn't say anything, but I could feel the deep breaths he took and as he stroked my hair methodically until his hand fell onto my back. I was surprised that he was asleep before me and that his body was as still as it was. My own arm, tucked underneath me was numb and I felt like I needed to move to a more comfortable position before I could get to sleep. I tried not to disturb him as I wiggled out from under his arm and rolled onto my back. He snuffled a bit, but then rolled himself over onto his left side. A faint snore let me know that he was still out and I smiled hoping that his rest would be a peaceful one.

* * *

Thanksgiving was approaching and we were debating whether or not to spend the money to go to Idaho for the holiday. Arizona was just too far to travel in the short weekend. I was reminded of what I was doing this time last year as I looked at the latest photos of my little niece who was just under 2 months old. She had been born in that first busy month of school and I was happy to have the regularly posted pictures on Lindsey's blog. When I had first heard that my brother George and his new wife Lindsey were going to have a baby, I was heartbroken. At the time all I could see was that this was something I would never have. There were still a few tears shed when we got the news that our newest family member was finally here, but I could not feel upset because I now had Mark by my side and the promise of our own family.

My niece, Mina was turning into quite the beauty and she had her Aunt Megan's curly brown hair. I couldn't believe that George and Lindsey were just coming up on their first anniversary. I remembered the goofy grin on George's face when he came out of the temple with his bride on his arm. I'd seen the same bewildered amazement on Mark's face on our special day. It was a smile I would treasure in my heart always.

We sat eating the meager offering of toast that I'd placed on the table for breakfast. Mark made the best of it by applying a generous portion of strawberry jam. His mom had set us up with a few supplies of his favorites. We still had about half a dozen jars left.

"I still think that the money would be better saved. Have you looked at the figures lately? At this rate we could reach our goal by the end of the school year."

"But it's family and it's Thanksgiving. Mark don't you want to go home and see them?"

"You're my family, you are all the family I need for Thanksgiving or any other holiday. Besides you have a major paper due that Monday. How are you supposed to get that done with my brothers and sisters bugging you?"

"I would manage. I want to see them. Can't we go?"

He dropped a kiss on the top of my head as he stood and I brushed my head with my hand to check for crumbs. He laughed and went to shower for work. He was picking up another shift. He'd been doing that a lot lately. I was worried that he was going to overwork himself, but he insisted the money was worth it.

One week later and we still hadn't decided on the trip. I had to believe that deep down he really wanted to go. Since August he'd pushed his family aside so much that sometimes I wondered if he was really the same person I'd known. It wasn't that he didn't care, it was more that they weren't as high on his list. I fielded calls from Mom Cole, Rebekah and Caleb, who was hoping that Mark would be there to ordain him to the office of a teacher in the Aaronic Priesthood.

It was exactly a week before the holiday. Mark was at work and I sat on our bed with several books open in front of me studying for a midterm. It was one of three such tests that I was preparing for not to mention a major activity that I was in charge of on Saturday that was 30% of my final grade. My phone rang the special tone I had assigned to the Coles. It was a frightening bit of déjà vu when I heard the unusually somber voice of Rebekah. "Megan?"

"What's up, Rebekah?" I feared bad news, though I wasn't sure why.

"It's Micah. He's in the hospital again."

"How bad is he?"

"Bad." Her voice broke and I could feel tears starting in my own eyes.

"I'll tell Mark. Don't worry Rebekah. It's going to be okay."

* * *

I looked at the clock Mark should be about due for a break though there were nights he didn't take them because he was too busy. I could hear his protests now. "We can't leave, you have midterms. What about your activity?"

This wouldn't do. I couldn't tell him over the phone, couldn't argue with him about the silly practical matters he would fixate on. Instead, I dialed a different number.

"Hello?" His voice sound completely uncertain and surprised. I could understand why, but that couldn't be helped.

"Andy? It's Megan." I said stating the obvious.

He heard my business like tone and I could picture him sitting up at attention. "What's going on?"

"I just got a call that Micah is in the hospital again. It seems pretty bad."

"How did he take it?"

"I haven't told him yet. Andy is there any way you could...I hate to ask, but could you take him to Idaho?"

"When?"

"Tonight. I would go, but he would never let me with my tests. I can't make him stay here because of me. Are you free?"

"I just finished my last midterm until Tuesday. It's all study sessions tomorrow. I'll need to call off work, but I can do it."

A sigh of relief escaped me and I said, "Andy, thank you so much. I owe you. If you could meet him in the parking lot tonight after work. I don't want him to see me, he'll just argue his way out of it."

"So it's a kidnapping?"

"Kind of, swing by and I will have a bag waiting. I'm sure he'll call me when he realizes where he is going."

It was about 9:30 when Andy knocked on our door. I jumped up from my books although, I hadn't been paying much attention to my studying.

"Are you sure about this, Megan? He's going to be furious."

"I know, I'm sorry you will have to deal with that. Please, even if he is really mad, convince him to call me."

"I don't think I'll have to worry about that."

"Here is money for the trip and his bag. I should be following along Saturday night so you can leave as soon as you need to. Thank you again. I'll call him now and at least tell him about Micah so that you don't have to deliver that news, too."

He answered though he sounded rushed. "Hey, Sweetheart. I can't really talk right now."

"I know, I'm sorry. This will be fast. Rebekah called and Micah is in the hospital again. I thought you should know."

There was a pause and he said, "Okay, tell me everything when I get home. I just have a few things left."

"Mark, I love you."

"I love you too. See you soon."

I hung up the phone feeling guilty and very conspiratorial. He sounded tired the last thing he wanted tonight was probably to be making a long drive. He sounded like he needed a hug, too and I would not be there to give him one. I hated the idea instantly and began to wonder if there was some way to be there for him and still get all the things done that he would want me to.

* * *

It was an hour later when I got the call I was expecting. I said a silent prayer before I picked it up. This was the worst and yet best thing I could think of to do for Mark. I hoped that he understood.

"Megan. I can't do this. I don't know what kind of hold you have over Andy, but you need to tell him to bring me home, now."

"Mark, I love you so much. Please just go see him. I didn't tell you earlier, but it's bad. You can't stay home when it may be the last time.... You get to see him."

"I can't just leave."

"Yes, you can. I will be there as soon as I can. I couldn't bear it if you missed the chance to say goodbye because of me."

"I don't like this, but at least you aren't letting your school work suffer. All right, I will see you in a few days. I love you."

"I love you, too. Give Micah a kiss for me."

I'd gotten off lighter than I expected. That made me think that he really did want to go, despite his protests. The anguish in his voice had been difficult to bear. I stared at his lumpy pillow, the one that he liked to ball up under his head and sighed. It was probably just my imagination that the room seemed darker. I closed the books and flopped them onto the floor beside the bed. There had to be some way that I could get through my stuff fast so that I could make the trip. Wasn't a family emergency something that most professors would work around?

I determined to take my midterm in the morning as scheduled. From there I would see what I could do about Saturday's activity. As part of one of my recreation classes I was in charge of planning and carrying out one medium sized activity during the semester. We'd spent so much time talking about logistics and actually locating our own activity to prepare that I had taken longer than I should have to get the activity off the ground.

I was pushing it, especially since my chosen activity was taking a group of freshman to hike to the Y. So far the weather was holding fair and I was in luck both for the activity and for travel. There was one other person in my class that had not yet done their activity. I kicked the yellow and blue comforter off of my feet and bounced out of the bedroom to my computer. It roared to life as soon as I wiggled the mouse. I sat down and began an email request to Josh.

I was grateful that in usual college student style he was still awake. I had only waited 5 minutes before I got the return email. His reply was simple and exactly what I wanted.

"No problem, if Dr. Robins says it's okay."

It was too late to contact Dr. Robins, but I could optimistically pack a bag now. I rummaged through the drawers wishing I'd done the laundry this week already, Friday was my usual day. I filled my bag with one clean change of clothes then scooped up the laundry basket and set it by the stairs. I would take it with me and do it there. It was an hour later when I finally settled down enough to sleep. I tossed a little, missing Mark and wondering what he was doing. I hoped that both he and Andy were being safe.

* * *

The next morning, I got ready alone and went off to take my test. I had an extra 30 minutes before class thanks to driving the truck instead of taking the bus. I decided to check Dr. Robin's office. His door stood open in a friendly and inviting way that seemed to fit the professor exactly. I peeked my head around the corner and he was on the phone, but waved me in with a smile.

The office was a small square with no window, not that there would be room for one. He was a scouter. That was obvious from the plaques, memorabilia and posters that hung around the room. In the corner stacked on top of a tall filling cabinet were juggling clubs, a volley ball and several bows. The arrows were at the side of the cabinet sticking out of a metal trash can, their bright feathers making an unusual arrangement. I loved how the computer monitor in front of Dr. Robins was covered in post it notes and oddly enough, one corner held a pair of those glasses with the big nose and mustache.

When the phone call ended he turned around smiling. "What can I do for you today, Miss Megan?"

It was just the sort of thing he said. Everyone was a miss or a mister in his class. I briefly looked at my watch reassuring myself that I had time for the long explanation. He was sympathetic about my family emergency, but expressed concern that I had waited so long to do my activity. I couldn't argue with that. It certainly had been a lesson in procrastination that I didn't want to repeat. This particular class had caused a lot of stress over the semester, mostly because I always seemed to be behind. It was a little ridiculous because nothing about the class was terribly difficult.

Shame faced I proposed my solution. "I know, I really shouldn't have put things off. If I had gotten it done sooner I would have time for emergencies. But you know Dr. Robins, emergencies happen and we aren't always prepared."

"That's true."

"I was thinking that this could be a great opportunity to see how well I really prepared my activity. You never know when in the future you may have to pass an activity off to someone last minute. It's a real test of how well it was prepared if anyone can pick it up and go with it."

"What are you getting at?"

"I spoke already with Josh and he has agreed, if you are willing, to take over my activity tomorrow. I in turn will take over his. All the planning will continue as before, but we will test our preparations better this way."

He sat for a minute drumming his fingers on his knees and staring at me. I pasted a smile on my lips and hoped for the best. I just had to get to Mark. What if Micah did die before I could get there? How would Mark handle it? I wanted to be there to see Micah and to comfort Mark, but I wouldn't hurt Mark further by jeopardizing my grades.

A sly smile spread across Dr. Robin's face. "You know, I like it. But my rules will apply."

"Of course."

"First, you may not participate in any way with Josh's planning. I want his activity to be just as much of a surprise as yours is to him. Second, you will each write the evaluation paper on the activity you attend not the one you planned. And third, you will each grade the other person on how well they planned. I will average the grade of the paper and that of your classmate together for your final grade. Understood."

"Yes, thank you so much Dr. Robins."

"No problem dear, I hope your brother in law gets better. Keep praying and drive safe. Oh, and have Josh email me that he agrees to all of this before tomorrow."

"Thank you, again."

I left the office in a rush. I was relieved and also in a hurry to get to my test. I would contact Josh right after class, swing by home to get my stuff, and then head out.

* * *

It was dark when I pulled off the interstate and began the last few miles of my trek. Mark had called only once today to say that he'd made it and that we was going to see Micah. I suspected that he was just too tired from the long night of worry and travel to communicate more and I didn't want to wake him or bother him with calls especially since I didn't want him to know what I was doing just yet.

I'd sent a text that I was almost there at the last gas stop about 30 minutes ago and still hadn't heard back. I hoped that I wasn't too late to see Micah or to comfort Mark. There was still a faint glow on things as I drove down the now familiar road. Last summer I'd driven or biked it so many times I'd lost count. I passed an old, dilapidated barn. It was red with white doors, I knew that not because I could see the colors now, but because my mind filled in the details. Two more cross streets and I would be there.

The once full trees that covered the large front yard were now starting to show more branch than foliage. The exceptions were the apple trees who were stubbornly hanging on to their leaves. The porch light and the lamp that stood along the walkway from the drive were lit. As I pulled up behind Andy's car I could see a curly haired figure rising from the front porch step. My heart leapt when I saw him. I'd missed him and worried about him more than I had allowed myself to admit. He walked swiftly towards the truck and I paused to study his face in the harsh lamp light. I searched each line looking for signs of distress. They were there, though 6 months ago I wouldn't have noticed the slight tenseness of his smile or the shoulders raised in stress. Six months ago I might have noticed the extra line on his brow that signaled he was forcing a look he didn't feel. Yes, to the untrained eye Mark looked perfectly happy and completely put together, but I knew better.

I opened the door a second before he could reach for the handle and rose into a hug. His clutch was tight almost to the point of too tight and he leaned his head down onto my shoulder. I hadn't quite gotten my footing before he'd clung to me and physically I felt off balance. Mark was definitely holding me up and if he let go too suddenly, I might fall. This would have worried me and consumed my thoughts before I'd learned to completely trust the man before me. Now I simply held him as tight as I could and patted his back gently. Over time his grip loosened and I stumbled a bit. He righted me and apologized, wiping tears from his eyes. He placed a hand on each of my shoulders and looked at me, all business now. "What about your activity tomorrow?"

"All taken care of. Don't worry I worked it all out with my professor."

"And your test?"

"I took it before I came."

He seemed to relax slightly and led me to the house with an arm held fast around my shoulders. I thought of the first time I'd walked this path. Children had poured from the front door to greet us. It was very quiet now, I realized as I stomped my feet on the mat hoping not to track in any dirt. Inside the house was dark and quiet too. I stood for a moment in the entry adding my shoes to the pile there.

"Where is everyone?"

"The girls are down watching a movie. They should be going to bed soon, but I said they could finish it."

"Are your mom and dad at the hospital?"

"Mom is, Dad is working late. He's missed some work this week and is trying to get caught up while things are quiet."

"Does that mean Micah is doing okay?"

"He's no worse. Today was pretty good, I understand. He looks bad though, all gray and... weak." Mark cleared his throat and hugged me again. "I am so glad you're here, Megan. I can't tell you how relieved I am to see you."

I smiled into his shoulder. I'd been right to come and also to send him. "Where's Andy and the boys?

"Andy and Christian are out in the garage working on a special project. Caleb is at the hospital with Mom. I was going to be taking the night shift after I put the girls to sleep, but Rebekah has everything in hand here so I was on my way out the door until I got your text."

"Well, let me get the stuff and we can go. I want to see Micah, too."

Mark sent me to the kitchen for a quick snack while he went to get the few things I'd packed from the truck. He walked in with the laundry basket, set it on the table and smiled wryly at me. "That's a long trip to make just to do the laundry."

"I didn't make the trip for the laundry, I made it for you and for our family. He's my little brother too, you know." He grabbed me in another bear hug and I slumped a little enjoying the solid nearness of him. "Let's go before it gets too late. Your mom must be exhausted."

"Do you want to say hi first?"

"No, that will just get the girls wound up before bed. I'll see everyone in the morning."

* * *

The halls of the hospital shown with dim lighting, like what might be lit by an emergency generator, but no such emergency existed, it was simply nighttime. Our footsteps sounded loud along the industrial carpet, but it was only because there was no other sound. All the doors were closed as we walked along. There were no set visiting hours in this children's ward, but it was understood that the patients needed their rest. No one other than family or staff would roam these halls this late at night. I could see the brightly painted murals in the shadows as we walked and it reminded me of my days in the hospital. I too had been in a pediatric ward. I remember bright Winnie the Pooh scenes and Curious George. These were pictures of kids playing in a park, one wall was an ocean complete with a humpback whale.

I wondered what my brother in law would think of these pictures. Would they please him if he could leave his bed and be pushed down these halls in his wheelchair? Music was the way that Mark connected with Micah, music and touch. I'd found my own method for breaking through the disabilities that limited his communication. I told him stories and held his hand. I stroked his soft blond hair and told him funny tales about his brother. These things would usually earn me a smile or a groan like laugh, but it was Mark and his music that spoke more to the precious soul of a boy whose body had trapped him.

At the end of the hall, closest to a more brightly lit nurse's station stood two rooms with a glass wall that faced the hallway. A big yellow and green striped curtain was pulled almost completely across the first but I could see the green glow of machinery and someone sitting in a chair next to the bed. Mark walked confidently to the door and opened it. I followed in his wake, hoping that I would be allowed in such a monitored area.

Once inside I could hear the steady beeping of the heart monitor and a sucking kind of sound that had a rhythm of its own. Mark's mom stood, looking a little gray herself in the dim light. Her long red hair was tangled looking and pulled back in a severe ponytail. She's always looked young to me, but now she seemed to show all of her years, though 45 was hardly old, somehow tonight on her, it looked that way.

"Oh, Megan... you're here. Mark said you had class?"

"I took care of it. I couldn't not come."

"Bless you. I was worried about Mark being alone." She hugged me, but it wasn't the tight bear hugs of the men in the family, it seemed almost frail.

"Go home and get some sleep, Mom." Mark said, putting his arm around her. "And take Caleb, too. He got a call about some scout thing tomorrow."

"Oh, I forgot about that." She walked over to the corner of the room that was nearest the drawn curtain. Caleb was slumped forward with his head resting on his hand, completely asleep. She shook him awake with a gentle hand on his shoulder and he dazedly stood to go, not even bothering to wake up fully. He would probably fall asleep on the way home. I wanted to greet him and hug him, but he didn't even notice my presence as he stumbled out into the hall. Mark saw them to the van, leaving me alone with Micah.

I sat in the chair by the bedside. It was on the right side of the bed which was the side that Micah's stiff neck always faced. His pale little frame looked ghostly against the white bedding. The tubes running down his throat and nose were neatly taped across his face. I wondered about the delicate skin under them and if he was in a lot of discomfort. Of course, lines ran all down his arms as well and from under his blankets, probably something for his heart. I rubbed my hands together vigorously so that I might warm them up from the outside chill. I reached across and gently placed my hand on top of his, managing to avoid all the medical paraphernalia. His hand was colder than mine, but he didn't start at my touch, he slept on. Was he actually resting or had they medicated him. I hoped whatever the case that he was not feeling pain and that his dreams were filled with music.

Mark returned and brought with him the jacket I'd left in the truck. He picked the chair Caleb had just vacated and moved it next to mine. He seemed to consider something, then went back out into the hallway for a moment. When he returned he had a white hospital blanket with a blue stripe that ran across the top. He sat and placed it over the top of us. It was one of those heated blankets and I felt a chill that I didn't even know I had, dissolve into a fuzzy warmness.

Mark spoke in a loud whisper. "Nurses say there hasn't been much change."

I looked to Micah then said it a very low whisper. "Will he wake up?"

"No, you can talk normal. He's pretty out of it."

"Did your mom and Caleb leave okay?"

"Yeah, I wish she wouldn't insist on being here so much. There are plenty of us to keep watch."

"Yes, but it's her child. I can understand how she feels." I squeezed Micah's hand.

"Megan," Mark paused steeling himself with a deep breath. "Micah isn't going to make it. The doctors don't know how long it will be, but it won't be long." His voice broke and tears filled my eyes.

I didn't know what to say, how to comfort him, but he continued. "At least we know he's going home to family. I think Grandpa Cole has been itching to meet some of his grandkids."

I'd never known anything really about Dad Cole's parents just that his mother lived in Washington with a brother of his. "You never met him?"

"No, he died of a heart attack kind of young. He was only 50."

"That is young. I wonder how your grandma handled it."

"She just did. Didn't really have much of a choice, I guess." He leaned over and kissed me and for a moment I forgot where I was and that I had just spent an exhausting day traveling and that I was about to keep vigil by the bedside of my dying brother. I forgot all these things because for that brief moment it was just me and Mark. He pulled away and I reluctantly returned to reality. "So, we have all night, why don't you tell me all about this deal you made with your professor."
Chapter 4

I felt the ache in my neck before I was completely awake. I was leaning awkwardly with my head resting on Mark's back. He was hunched forward with his arms and head resting on Micah's bed. When I straightened up, he stirred. We had talked long into the night, something that we hadn't done since that first week we were married. I had struggled for words of comfort to ease Mark's pain, but had found that I sounded trite and unconvincing even to myself. I understood God's plan for his children and yet the grief of missing someone could be a very powerful thing. I, too, would miss this little brother of mine and I had only known him for less than a year, how much worse must it be for Mark who had been a close brother from the moment that Micah had been adopted.

Mark stretched his long arms and smiled at me. It was a sort of "do you have any idea how much I love and need you smile," that warmed we all over. I reached out and ran my fingers along his spine, applying pressure and he groaned appreciatively. The room was much the same as it had been when sleep had finally overtaken us. The dim light in the room that made the walls look shadowed, the quietly beeping monitors, the strange smell of disinfectant and latex that seemed universal in hospitals. I was taken back to when I'd been in and out of such places more than I cared to remember. I used to think that sleeping in a hospital bed was so uncomfortable, how silly of me to never consider how much worse it was to be at the hospital without the bed. I stood and did some thorough stretching of my own while Mark placed a sweet kiss on his brother's forehead (about the only place that wasn't taped up with tubes) and excused himself to go to the restroom.

I looked for the first time this morning at my brother in law. He was unchanged from the night before, but then with the meds they were giving him that was not surprising. He seemed not as small or frail lying down as he normally did in his chair. I could almost believe that he was 13. Still the sickly, hallow, gray of his skin worried me and made me long for just one more of his special brand of smile. The muscles in Micah's face had never really completely cooperated with him, but there was a look that expressed joy, a look that said, "You're silly" or "I love that." I had experienced this look only a few times first handed, but I saw it often when Mark sang to Micah.

I held Micah's hand determined to stay with him until Mark returned, although I also needed to use the restroom. It seemed to take longer than I expected, but eventually Mark did return. I brushed a kiss across his cheek and excused myself. In the hall the nurses and aids busily went about their work. I suspected that most of their charges were awake. I wondered how many parents lingered or slept at bedsides behind the doors and curtains along the hallway. Life was kind of funny. One moment things could be going great and the next you might just find yourself or someone you loved more than your own life in a place like this.

I felt my phone buzz in my pocket as I walked back towards Micah's room. I stopped for a moment to answer it.

"Hey, Megan? How did you sleep?"

"Not bad, under the circumstances. Thank you again for driving Mark for me, Andy. Are you on your way home?"

"Yeah, I have work tonight."

"Well drive safe."

"Megan, I need you to do me a favor, have Mark leave the room if you think it will bother him, but I need you to take a few pictures of Micah with your phone for me. I got a few pics of family portraits around the house, but I need something more recent."

"Okay...." I hung up the phone feeling a little weird about snapping shots of Micah full of tubes and wires. I may not always see eye to eye with Andy, but where Mark is concerned I knew I could trust him, so I prepared my phone as I walked. I didn't see any reason to keep it from Mark so I walked in and tried to get several angles, hoping to find one that would make it seem like he was sleeping. Of course, the tubes made that difficult.

"You want pictures?"

"Andy asked for them."

"Oh, well.... Wait until they remove all the tubes." He choked a little.

"Why would they do that?"

"I just talked to Mom and Dad. They are coming to the hospital in a few minutes. We are going to give Micah a final blessing and say goodbye." He wiped tears from his cheeks with the back of his hand and I rushed to hug him. He crushed me close and cried into my hair. I wanted so much to comfort him again, but I had no words. The only comfort I could offer was my presence and all the love that I hoped my hug could send to his heart.

We stood like that for a few minutes until he regained his composure. "What about everyone else? Are they coming too?"

"We will have to take it in turns, but I think everyone will get at least a quick goodbye."

I thought of my new family standing down in the lobby awaiting their chance to see their brother one last time. Then I corrected the thought.... to see him one last time like this. When they saw him again he would be perfect and whole. What memories would he be able to share with them? His view of the family was sure to be a unique perspective. I suddenly longed for that reunion, sure that it would be joyous.

As Mark and his dad laid their hands on Micah's head I could feel the peace that seemed to sweep the sterile room. It was as if we were at home in a familiar and loved place. With my eyes closed it could have been the Cole's family room, the bedroom I'd grown up in, or the apartment I now shared with my husband. The blessing itself was simple yet it tore at our hearts. Micah was to be released from his imperfect body and allowed to return to the arms of his Heavenly Father.

When the prayer was finished we all wiped tears and I took a brief moment to kiss Micah's forehead and say my goodbye. I couldn't look at my new in-laws. I walked to the door and waited for Mark. He was beside me a few moments later with a grim determination set on his face. "Let's go get the others."

Mom and Dad Cole stayed behind while Mark and I went to alert the other Cole children that they could go. Mark patted his cheeks and pasted on a smile before he rounded the corner into the lobby. "Okay, guys. I think we should let Anna and Ruth go first because they haven't had a chance to see him since he came to the hospital." Mark took each sister under his arm and walked them slowly back down the hallway.

I sat beside Rebekah who was crying into a tissue. She leaned her head on my shoulder and I studied the tan industrial carpet. Caleb sat at her other side and placed a concerned hand over his sister's. His own eyes, bright in his dark face, were red from crying.

Christian was quiet and altogether separate from this scene. As such, he was the one that I worried about the most. He nervously paced in front of the large, framed pastel abstract painting. There was just something about abstracts that made me want to look for familiar shapes. My eyes wondered back and forth between Christian and the painting. Were they flowers? Maybe a bird? Boy he looks tired. I wonder how much sleep he's been getting.

Caleb seemed to have Rebekah taken care of, so I stood. I approached Christian as if he were a frightened animal, because in truth that is how he appeared. He started only a little when he found me in his pacing path. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine. Did you get the pictures for Andy?"

"Sort of, what does he want them for?"

"Yesterday when we were working on the...." He took a deep breath "...coffin he had this idea."

"Is that what you were doing out there in the garage?" My heart sank and my tears threatened to overflow.

"Yay, well it was Dad's idea. He figured that this would be our last chance to make something for Micah." He coughed a little, but showed no signs of crying. "I've been doing the carvings, they're my specialty, you know." He shrugged and continued. "Anyway, Andy was helping me get the notes just right. I'm carving the music to one of Micah's favorite songs on the lid."

"But what does Andy need the pictures for?"

"He's going to make a portrait for us of Micah."

"That sounds wonderful. Mark told me to wait until the tubes are out, but I will get the pictures."

A few minutes later Mark returned with the girls and turned them over to me. They were both crying and I hugged each one into a side as we sat on a padded bench. Caleb and Rebekah began the walk down the hall with Mark again. Though each of them knew their way and Mark's escort wasn't needed, I didn't say anything. This rite seemed to fit the type of older brother that he was. He would shepherd his siblings through this difficult time.

Christian continued to pace, seeming all business. He looked over at his little sisters with discomfort and quickly looked away again. When it was his turn to go, Caleb and Mark both accompanied him. I was left with all three of the girls crying now, though Rebekah tried her best to assist the younger girls.

I left the girls briefly to get them a snack, thinking that a little bit of sugar might perk them up. The vending machine was in the far corner and it was filled with all kinds of things from apples to gum. I chose a package of cookies that would appeal to my sisters and hurried back. The younger girls settled in to eat the offered treat and seemed a bit calmer. I walked around the corner just to take a peek down the long hall. A tall figure stood leaning against the wall with his legs precariously extending into the hall where someone could trip if the hall hadn't been so desolate. His head was bowed, but whether in prayer or just exhaustion I couldn't tell. I glanced back to make sure the girls were okay and then I hurried down the hall to him. It wasn't prayer, it was grief that made his shoulders sink and it wasn't something that he should deal with alone. I reached Mark giving him a hug and handing him an apple. He roused himself from his thoughts enough to give me a half smile. "It will be over soon. The doctor is taking him off the machines now."

I clutched his hand and tuned my ears to the sound that I'd been ignoring all night. I listened as the beep...beep....beep died away. The doctor stood in the crowded room marking the moment that he would record on his paperwork. Four Coles stood around the bed three of them touching some part of their beloved son or brother. Mark turned to enter and I waited in the hall not wanting to interfere. Christian took Mark's entrance as a good moment to escape. It seemed very much like an escape with him bolting through the door. He didn't see me as he passed, sighing deeply. He got about halfway down the hall and paused. He was positioned sideways with his head turning between the two options. In a brief bought of frustration he kicked the wall.

I walked slowly down to where he stood, arms tucked up, holding himself. He was almost taller than Mark and just a bit skinnier though they were both gangly. Using all the authority of my position as his sister in law and my rank of being 2 ½ years older, I reached up and gave him the tightest hug I could manage. He fought me, though only half-heartedly because he didn't break free and I was sure that he could have. Again he let out a sigh and I continued to squeeze with all the strength I possessed, which admittedly wasn't much after my long night. After several minutes he relaxed a bit in my arms and hugged me back, resting his chin on the top of my head.

We stood like that until the doctor walked out of the room with his pager out and his chart tucked under his arm. Christian raised his head to look at the man who seemed reserved, but not cold. It must be difficult to attend the death of a child. He nodded soberly at us as he passed and Christian pulled away and ran towards the lobby. I let him go and counted the paces back to Micah's room, there were twenty three.

* * *

It was a somber weekend at the Coles. All the usual noise was gone; subdued by a silence that seemed lonely, despite the number of people. All afternoon Mark had been running around and taking care of things. He'd sent his mom in to lay down as soon as we got home from the hospital while he made phone calls and lunch for everyone. He was like a whirlwind of activity and I stayed right by his side, helping where I could. It wasn't until the girls were in bed and the dishes done that he'd finally sat on the couch and held me tight, burying his face in my hair.

Brother Cole came home late Saturday night having stayed with his son's body until things were handled. It was just the sort of thing I expected of him, the sort of thing I would expect from Mark, too. My father in law wasted no time calling the family together for a prayer. They came from every part of the house, zombie like in their grief, but they came the minute they were called because Dad was home.

Mark pulled me up from the couch in the living room where we'd been consoling each other. We followed the rest of the Coles into the family room to kneel in the usual place. I was a Cole now and I had a place here too, no longer temporary adoption, I was permanent.

We took each other's hands, just like Mark and I did at home and knelt there, some sniffling, others sleepy. The prayer was simple, but it filled the room again with light. I could feel a spirit of peace come over me. Micah would be missed, but things were going to be okay. Mark squeezed my hand and I knew that he felt it, too.

When the prayer ended I looked across the circle at Christian. I hadn't seen him for most of the day. I'd assumed he was in his room grieving like the rest of us, but he didn't look sad; he looked agitated like he was trapped somehow. I didn't think that he was feeling any peace. There had to be some way to reach him.

The family was all hugging each other and Rebekah ushered the younger girls back to bed. They seemed tired enough that I thought they might just go right back to sleep despite being woken up. Brother Cole grabbed his wife's hand and led her back into their bedroom. I hoped that they both got some rest.

Mark caught Christian by the arm as he was heading back down to his basement bedroom. Christian tried to jerk his arm away, but Mark dragged him towards the back door. With a flick of a switch, the basketball court was lit up. I thought it was a strange time for a game, but I sat on the back steps to watch anyway. At first Christian wasn't into it and it was obvious that Mark was tired, but then something changed. Christian began to drive hard towards the basket nearly knocking Mark over with every play. Mark matched Christian's aggression until they were both playing so hard it was almost violent. Christian made occasional angry noises, but Mark never took the smile from his face. As the game wore on and they became more and more exhausted I think it was that smile that taunted Christian the most.

A half an hour after they'd started Christian threw the ball aside and tackled Mark to the ground. I jumped up concerned that they might hurt each other, but Mark rolled them off the blacktop onto the grass. It wasn't the first time I'd seen this kind of thing. My own brothers wrestled quite often, especially the twins. This was just the first time I'd seen Mark do it.

It wasn't long before the two of them were lying side by side panting. I couldn't hear the conversation, but I could see their chests rising and falling in the dim light from the court. I stayed there watching, wishing I could be of some help or at least wishing I knew where we were going to be sleeping. I yawned and rested my head against my knees, my eyes still on the two prone figures in the backyard.

* * *

I woke up on the couch in the living room, or rather the hide a bed in the living room. I hadn't even realized that it turned into a bed. There were a few people stirring, but the house was still so quiet. Sunday mornings around the Cole's house required a great deal of coordination. Church was at 11 am so that helped provide enough time for everyone to eat and shower and dress. But it also left enough time for the younger children to creatively get dirty. My mother in law solved this problem by having the kids take turns playing the piano in the morning after they were ready.

I suspected that despite our recent loss things would be no different this morning. I rolled over into Mark and hugged him close to me. He didn't smell of sweat and grass like I'd been expecting. He was clean shaven and showered already. I wondered how late he'd stayed up. I knew he was exhausted because he didn't even move when I snuggled into him.

I checked my watch, it was only 7:15. I could let him sleep for another hour at least before the call to breakfast. After that the piano recital would begin and there was no way he could sleep with that going on just 2 feet away.

Mark made a faint snore and rolled a little closer to me. I put my arm around him and rubbed his back gently. He moaned and I stopped. I looked up at his sleeping face only to find a very tired set of brown eyes looking back at me. "That's a bit tender this morning."

"What happened? Are you okay?"

"Just a little asphalt burn. I'll live."

"What happened last night? Why were you like that?"

"Christian needed to let off some steam. I just gave him a little help."

"I saw the steam, but did it help?"

"I think so, he cried until 2am or so." He yawned. "I'm so tired, Megan."

"Just sleep. I'll take care of helping with breakfast."

He nodded and closed his eyes again. He gave me a quick squeeze before his arms fell limp and I crawled out of bed. The noise in the kitchen was my sleepy looking mother in law. She was just unloading the dishwasher when I entered.

"Mom, I can do that. You should rest."

"I can't rest anymore, Megan. It's too quiet. I just need to do something normal so I don't have to think about it, you know."

A large lump formed in my throat and I nodded not trusting myself to speak. I had absolutely no idea what she was going through, but I could imagine. I pulled the cookbook from the shelf near the refrigerator and flopped it open on the counter. "What should we make for breakfast?"

She gave me a weak smile and came over to look at the book. "Something filling, I think, and sweet. Everyone would like that."

"Sweet is always appropriate in my book."

We settled on banana bread pancakes because there were several brown banana's in the fruit bowl. Normally in a large family there are differing tastes like the way my brother, George can't stand watermelon, but you learn to eat what you are given. I was a little surprised when Mom Cole made up a completely different batter, but then I remembered Christian's gluten allergy. It was second nature to her to accommodate different diets and different needs. I wondered if I would ever get the hang of caring for so many people.

I gave Mark a gentle kiss on the cheek to wake him up. He didn't groan or put the pillow back over his head like he usually did. He got right up and began to corral his brothers and sisters to the table like an old sheep dog performing a task he'd done thousands of times. With a sister hugged in tight to each hip he deposited each in her assigned chair and went looking for Christian.

Christian looked terrible when he emerged from the basement, but somehow he looked more at peace. Caleb followed close behind with Mark's hand on his shoulder. I wondered what Caleb was doing in the basement. He'd always shared a room with Micah on the first floor because the boys were so close in age. Even as I thought it, I understood. I wouldn't want to stay in that room alone either. Maybe he would move down permanently into the room with Christian. I wondered what they would do with the boy's room upstairs. Would the girls take it over? Maybe Caleb would eventually be able to sleep there again.

During breakfast I couldn't help but look at the empty space on the other side where Micah's wheelchair used to go. He'd never been able to eat with the family, but he was always at the table with them. I remembered watching his eyes dart around at he listened to his family's lively conversation. Just like the now empty room it was hard to look at that place. Mark stared at his plate mostly, I think he was having a hard time with it, too.

After breakfast was cleaned up, Dad called everyone into the family room for prayer again. This time Mark was asked to offer the prayer and I could feel a slight tremble in his hand as he spoke fervently asking for comfort for his family that he loved so much. Again that spirit of peace descended and when I opened my eyes I could see the clouds had cleared from Christian's face. Quietly, we all went back to getting ready for church. I followed Anna into the little girls' room so that I could help with their hair. Rebekah was usually the one who did their hair, but she was taking her time getting ready so I got to help. Everyone seemed to be moving slower today.

* * *

Church was hard. It is one thing to deal with your own grief but when it is shared by many others, all trying their best to comfort you it gets hard not to cry. This is one of the reasons I rarely told people about my cancer. Mark followed his Dad around running interference for the big man. He shook twice as many hands as he normally did and Mark was a friendly outgoing person. In a way I guess it is nice to know that so many people care and what to express their condolences. Micah must have touched many lives in his brief 14 years.

I tried my best to run interference for Mark's mom like he was doing for his dad, but most of the time people would just shake my hand and then go around me to talk to her. I guess I lacked the presence to pull it off or I was still just an outsider and they wanted to talk to family. Though it was true I'd only known the Coles for about a year and some even less, they'd never made me feel like anything but part of the family. I imagine that they'd welcomed many of these ward members into their family, too.

By the end of Relief Society, I just sat there next to my mother in law and held her hand as people came up to her. She was appreciative and gracious in a way I didn't think I could ever be under the circumstances. There was a quiet dignity about her that I'd only seen on occasion, most of the time she was playful and spunky.

It was right after church that the food started coming. We'd sent the parents in for a nap so Rebekah and I were kept busy finding places to put all the food while Mark and Caleb answered the door and conveyed our thanks. We took the opportunity to clean out the refrigerator and just because we were feeling anxious and needed more to do we moved onto the nearby cupboards. Inside were Micah's supplies. They really weren't needed anymore, but throwing them out felt wrong. Rebekah and I looked at the formula and other things on the counter and then at each other. "I'll go get a box. I think I saw one in the storeroom." I descended the stairs thinking of my dear brother in law and all the care I had seen his family show for him. How many times had I watched Mark stop what he was doing to feed Micah?

I was sniffling a bit so I didn't hear Mark follow me down the stairs, not until he reached me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders in a backwards kind of hug. I jumped at first, startled by the unexpected presence, but then I relaxed back into him and sighed. I pulled away only long enough to readjust our position so that I could hug him back.

"How are you holding up?" He asked.

"Me? I'm okay. What about you?"

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked wiping tears from my cheeks.

"I was just thinking about Micah. I'm fine, but it's been such a long day. Shouldn't you rest?"

"I'll live." Mark choked on the words and then shook his head and looked up at the basement ceiling. "That was insensitive, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I know what you meant. Mark you can't be strong for everyone. I think you need to let go too, just like you helped Christian do last night."

"I will, I just can't now. Once I start I may not be able to stop and then who will take care of Mom and Dad."

I squeezed him in closer and held him until he pulled away. It wasn't something that happened very often. "I'm sorry Megan, I can't cry right now. If I stay like this much longer..."

"Okay, then how about if I get the box I came down here for and then we can go up and sort through the sea of aluminum foil on the counter to see what we're having for dinner. I bet the little girls are hungry. Christian probably is, too. Why don't you go wake him up?" I stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek and he gave me a faint smile. It wasn't up to his usual smile standards but I took it, grateful that he felt he could smile for me. If he could smile then I was doing something right and that was good enough for now.

We sat around the table together, all of us except Mom and Dad Cole. We thought it would be better to let them sleep. Mark took over and had Ruth say the prayer. We ate and the room was almost silent. I wondered when the kids, at least, would start to act normally again. Usually the room was full of chatter, but I guess it was still too soon. Again the space across the table that would have held Micah's wheel chair was empty. I wondered what he was doing now.

Christian broke the silence. "Do you remember that time when Micah couldn't stop making noise at the 'Messiah?' Everyone around us was giving us looks but Mom just smiled and said he was singing. I was so embarrassed. Stupid."

Mark reached out an arm to pat his brother's back. "I missed that one. Micah sure did love music."

"He always liked it when I held his hand. He was the best person to sit by when I was sad." Anna's lower lip came out and she started to sniff.

"You can sit by me when your sad, Anna." Caleb reached a hand across the table and patted his little sister's hand.

"I wish I had someone to listen to stories with. I'll have to listen to them all alone now." Ruth began to cry.

Mark straightened up and smiled at his siblings. "It's going to be hard because we all miss him, but remember, he's happy where he is and you'll get to see him again because we're an eternal family." These weren't just words. They seemed more a lifeline now than they ever had before, though I'd heard them more than a thousand times.

From the hallway we could hear a clear soprano, "I have a family here on earth..." I watched as everyone turned their faces towards the sound, a sound they were especially tuned to. Mom Cole emerged from the hallway with a sweet smile on her face and tears in her eyes. The rest of the family joined in singing the rest of the primary song that was one of Micah's favorites. When it was over my mother in law was buried in a pile of kids all trying to hug her at the same time.

* * *

The funeral was held on Tuesday and though there were many people at the ward building for the service, it was just family at the gravesite. Mark held me tightly as we stood there in the chilly November air. I leaned my head against his chest and held Caleb's hand. My poor brother in law seemed lost. He'd been rooming with his brother since Micah had first joined the family. Caleb had only been a Cole for a year when he had to make room for a brother with very special needs. I wonder what that was like for him, adjusting to such a unique roommate. When did he start to feel like a brother, not just to Caleb but to all of them? Would our children feel like siblings, too? I had no doubt that the Coles loved each other as a family, but did it always work out that way or did you need really special parents like my in laws. Mark could pull it off. I wondered if I could.

I made an effort to shake off my doubts before they could really get going. This was not the time. Mark would need my shoulder soon and if he still resisted I would have to take him away from the family for a while, somewhere private where he could let his feelings out.

My dear father in law blubbered through the dedication prayer. By the time he was finished we were all crying, even Mark. I was relieved, because he hadn't cried since that day in the hospital. He wiped his eyes and began to sing for Micah one last time. As a family we all joined in and sang 3 of Micah's favorites.

I led the girls and Caleb to the van while Mark stayed with his parents to watch them lower the beautifully carved coffin. Christian and his dad had worked so hard on it in such a short time. I could see all the love they put into it. I can't imagine that Micah left this earth feeling anything but completely loved. It's more than a lot of people can say. Even though his body was imperfect he really lived.

* * *

That night as we lay on the hide-a-bed in the living room Mark was breathing deeply and making funny little sounds. I was used to these sounds, they meant he was thinking. He didn't even realize that he made them, but they were fun to listen to. Having something familiar during this time of adjustment was very comforting. I listened for nearly 20 minutes before I finally asked, "What?"

"Oh, I was just wondering when we should head back home. They could probably use me at work and you have that paper to write."

"Mark Thanksgiving is in two days. We don't have to be back at school until Monday. I think since we are here we should stay and help." I would never have imagined that he'd been lying there for the last little while planning when we would leave. He'd been nothing but completely attentive to his family since he'd arrived. He'd totally fallen back into his old patterns of being the perfect son and brother. It was such a treat for me to see him with his family. I loved the way he cared for them and how gently he did so.

Now he was back to what he considered his duty now... to take care of me. I loved that about him too, the way he cared so much for me and tried to make my life wonderful. It just seemed wrong to do that when his family needed him so much.

"What about your paper?"

"I can write it while we're here. Please Mark, I don't think I can leave just yet. We're still needed."

He sighed deeply and tucked me in tighter next to him. "If you're sure you can get it done. I guess work can get by without me a little longer. But you get to explain it to Mr. Wallace." Because I was so close to him I could feel his body relax a bit as he spoke. He'd really wanted to stay, he'd just been fighting it. I was glad he hadn't fought me any more about it. I could tell we were going to have to have a serious discussion about how well Mark takes care of Mark, but I didn't think it was right to bring it up now, not just after the funeral.

* * *

The day that we had our wedding reception in Idaho, I'd received a lot of hugs. Complete strangers hugged me for the nearly 90 minutes that we'd stood in the receiving line. Most said 'congratulations', there were a few 'good luck's, but one gray haired, rounded lady who was practically the only one who didn't need to lean over to hug me said something I found funny at the time, but that I now knew to be very wise. She said, "He's all yours now. Take care of him, especially his heart."

Mark was always so capable. He's the one that took care of others. He'd always taken care of me, but I'd never really considered who took care of him. As I lay there in his now sleepy embrace I realized that was my job. I'd signed up to be the one that held Mark together, the one that eased his heart when he was troubled, and the one who would encourage him. I felt very overwhelmed all of a sudden. I had no idea how to go about taking care of this strong man beside me.

He let out a faint snore and I smiled to myself. I said a silent prayer in my heart to know how to help Mark through all that was placed on his shoulders. When I finished I felt more at peace. The one thing that I decided was to just keep doing what I was already doing and as opportunities arose to take full advantage of them. This week there would be plenty of chances to care for his heart if I took them. I made the goal to get a genuine smile from him at least every day while we were here at the Coles.

Thanksgiving wasn't much of an occasion this year. There was no snow, but the weather was too cold to comfortably play outside. That meant that all the energy of 5 children and teens plus their big brother was confined to the house. Mark nearly climbed the walls trying to find things around the house to do. After our simple Thanksgiving meal of leftovers from the foil wrapped offerings he went down into the basement. I would have followed, but I was in the middle of a board game with Anna and Ruth. We sat on the family room floor and I read out all the trivia questions because Ruth's reading was still rocky and being blind, Anna could only read braille. The girls were very good at answering. I wondered why they didn't make braille cards for games. That got me thinking about my accommodations paper I'd written last year. Mark's input about how they managed with Micah in public places had been so helpful. The Coles would be able to get around to concerts and things a lot easier now without the wheelchair to worry about but I'm sure they wouldn't see it as much of a tradeoff.

After the game, I set the girls up with their dolls and all the hair accessories, then I went to find Mark. The stairs were dark, but the basement was well lit. I stepped carefully off the last step, around a few jugs of vinegar and onto the floor. The storeroom door was open and there were piles everywhere on the floor. Mark was scrubbing down shelves with some strong smelling cleaner as I walked in the door.

"What are you doing?" The answer was obvious, but I thought he might open up more if I asked.

"Cleaning the storeroom. I don't think anyone's touched it in years."

"Can I help?"

He walked to the end of a row of shelves and pulled another rag from a plastic bag. Handing it to me he said, "You can get the lower shelves, since you're already down there."

"Is that a short joke?"

"Not a joke as much as an observation."

"Oh, really? Well at least I'm not carrying around my own step ladder at the end of my legs." It was a lame comeback, but I couldn't think of anything else.

"What?" He looked at me for a moment, puzzled and then we both burst out laughing. It was a beautiful sound; his laughter. I hadn't heard it for a week. I reached out and hugged him. His shirt was covered in cobwebs and he protested, but I hugged him anyway. After a moment he relented and hugged me back. The smell of the pine cleaner was strong as he stroked my hair, but it didn't matter, Mark was feeling a little better and I felt warm all over.

We scrubbed and dusted for a long while before Mark deemed our efforts acceptable. Then we began the process of putting everything back. I noted where the supplies were diminished so that I could make a proper report to Mark's mom. She typically checked the storeroom before each shopping trip but things had been crazy lately.

When everything was back in its place Mark smiled contentedly and flopped onto the couch in the basement where the Coles normally watched movies. I snuggled in next to him, basking in his glow and wondering if I ever glowed for him.

"Do you think everyone will be okay when we leave?" His voice was small and unsure.

"I think everyone is just going to need time. Some will probably need more than others, but your family is close. They will help each other."

"Yeah, I know. I just wish..."

"We could come back at Christmas time." I offered.

"But it's our first Christmas....well, we can think about it, I guess."

The glow was gone and the stress was back. Mark seemed to be living on that stress right now, like he would crumble without it. I didn't want him to crumble, just to be able to be happy for more than a brief time. He fell asleep sitting there with his arm around me. I was surprised because he rarely napped. I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart, grateful that he was getting some rest. I hoped his dreams would be peaceful.
Chapter 5

After church on Sunday we drove home. Mark fidgeted and made plans for getting back into school and work as I drove. "Do you think you could get me up with you for the next week or so? I could use the extra time to study and get some school work done."

"I can try but you know how you are." I reached over and poked him playfully in the ribs with my finger.

"You don't want to start that. I always win."

"But I'm driving so you can't get me back."

"Not now, but I have a pretty good memory and a knack for revenge."

"Oh, yes you are evil and diabolical." I teased.

It was good to see him smiling and playing. I'd managed to get a smile out of him more than once a day like I'd planned, but it was always away from his family. I wondered if when he was with me he felt like he could get away with it, but around everyone else he felt guilty being happy. They all had had their moments, too. The girls managed to play and be happy most of the time. It was only when the family was all together for prayer or meals that they seemed sad. Rebekah, Caleb and Christian were different. Christian was working most of the time so I didn't know how he was really handling things. Rebekah spent most of her time in her room which wasn't much different from how she was before. Caleb was still walking around like he was lost, but he would occasionally get pulled into games with the little girls.

Mark's parents were amazing. They took turns interacting with the family in normal ways. When one was down the other would pick up the slack. It seemed a practiced thing and I imagined it was. Mark's mom was still closing her bedroom door every afternoon and napping/crying when we left. I couldn't imagine her grief, but I felt for her. Mark's Dad was quieter than usual except for when he was trying to make the kids happy, but there were less hugs and the playfulness seemed forced. The kids all got what they needed, not a meal went by where the family wasn't seated together and like clockwork every morning and evening was family prayer time. The kids helped keep these routines going as much as the parents did. It was just the way things were and the all seemed happier in their routines.

On Sunday Mark and his Dad got to ordain Caleb to the office of teacher in the priesthood. It was a sweet family moment watching all three of the brothers with their Dad. I felt bad for Caleb that his birthday had been marked by such a sad occasion. We'd barely celebrated the day before. No one was in the mood. I'd insisted that we at least do something, so Mark and I took Caleb to a movie. Mark started a popcorn fight with his little brother that made me think of the last time we'd gone to the movies together. I would have to take Mark to the movies by myself sometime to see how he behaved when there was no one around to tease, though that might not work because I was usually his favorite target.

* * *

It felt good to be going home. I needed to get Mark back to his routine so that he could begin to move on. We arrived at home late and Mark took my hand as we fumbled through the dark to try and find our door. He wasted no time kicking his shoes off on the landing and we walked into our slightly odiferous apartment. Upon further investigation we discovered that in my haste to get to Idaho I'd neglected to take out the trash. Several banana peels and some other nasty things had been sitting in the kitchen trash for nearly 2 weeks. Mark, bless his heart, didn't even comment. He just scooped up the bag and headed up the stairs. I went to the cupboard and found some deodorizing spray. It helped a bit, but mostly just having the trash out helped a ton.

The next morning brought with it the established routine and a feeling of exhaustion. I hadn't realized how tired I was until I had to walk around campus again and stay awake during classes. I worried about Mark, he'd gotten even less sleep than I had on our trip and he'd been under more stress, too. I kept myself awake during work thinking about a special dinner I could make for him. It would take a trip to the store and I'd have to ride the bus to his work because he had the truck, but it would be worth it. As I made my plans I got more and more excited. Mark needed a treat.

I'd never made southern food before, but I knew that Mark really liked it. Since he'd served his mission in Georgia he'd discovered a whole new kind of cuisine than his Idaho upbringing had exposed him to. Mark was a little surprised to see me when I showed up at his work. I gave him a quick kiss and asked him for the keys. I left, promising to pick him up at the end of the night.

I drove to the store with my mental list. I finally found the okra in the frozen foods section after looking everywhere else first. Though I had to wonder around the large store several times, I was no longer dragging, but anticipating the effect of my surprise.

My grits were a little burnt and the okra turned out mushy, I looked down at my offering wondering if I should just forget the whole thing. I still had a good half an hour before I needed to leave to take Mark dinner. Maybe if I tried the grits one more time.

It was 5 minutes to 7 when I parked in front of Mark's work. I'd called Andy for a quick tip or two which helped me avoid making the same mistakes again in cooking dinner. I was reasonably sure that the food I'd prepared would be edible this time. I just wasn't sure if it would be delicious.

I waited a good 25 minutes or so for Mark to finish his work enough to take his dinner break. These kinds of delays weren't unusual at all for him. When he walked into the break room and his eyes fell on me he melted with a sigh.

"Megan, what are you doing here?"

"I brought you dinner. I wanted to do something special."

"Really, what are we eating?"

I lifted the covers off of the dishes and he laughed. I bit my lip trying to decide if the laugh was a good thing or not.

"How did you learn to make this?"

"Trial and error mostly. I bet I could do better next time if it's something you would like to eat more often. I'm not sure it's good for us to eat too often, though. There's a lot of fat in it."

"I know. I used to wonder if the Lord would keep my arteries clean because I was serving Him."

Now I was laughing. I could just picture Mark saying the prayer before a dinner appointment. Before he sat down he leaned over and gave me a big hug. He felt tense, but it was in the middle of his work shift. "Do you want me to get you a soda from the machine?"

"No, water's good. There are cups over by the coffee machine."

I got the water and he reached out for my hand to pray. I chewed on my lip so that I could avoid snickering during the prayer, I was still expecting him to pray for our arteries. The meal was quick because he had so much work to do, but he gave me a wonderful smile in exchange for my efforts. I got most things right, though he said the okra was a little slimier than usual. He said it might be because it had been frozen, but I thought he was just being generous. With a quick kiss on my cheek he was off to work again and I went about cleaning up the dishes.

By the time I got home, I had just enough time to get my homework done and clean up my mess before Mark was done with work. I picked him up in the usual place and he marched right over to me, opened my door, took me by the hand, and pulled me into the cold night air. Before I could complain he took me into a tight embrace and kissed my hair. "Thank you, Megan. You made my day so much better."

"It wasn't much. I'm glad you liked it."

"Somehow you just make everything better. I couldn't have gotten through this past couple of weeks without you."

"That's what I'm here for."

"And that is why I'm the luckiest man in the world."

I looked up at him to see if he was joking, but his eyes was serious. He took advantage of my upturned face to kiss me. It was the kind of kiss that made my knees buckle in a melting sort of way. He grabbed me a little tighter to keep me from falling and rested my head against his chest. We drove home in a sort of daze. We didn't bother with after work snacks, dinner had been plenty filling. We just turned in for the night.

* * *

It was a couple of weeks after we got home from Thanksgiving and I was starting to prepare for finals. The time was flying by so quickly. I called Caleb and talked with him for a while in between studying and getting dinner. He was the best one for letting me know how everyone was doing. I tried to get updates at least every couple of days, but it didn't always work out. It had been almost 5 days since we'd talked. Mostly things hadn't changed that much. Everyone was still recovering and grieving in their own way. Christian had a big concert coming up and I wished I could be there, but I had a feeling we would be staying put for Christmas. Mark didn't want to miss any more work and was hoping to take on lots of extra shifts over the holiday.

In addition to calls Caleb was also in frequent contact with me through texts. I think he needed to blow off some comedic steam once in a while, but couldn't bring himself to involve the rest of his family yet. I knew that the Coles would eventually get back to normal, well as normal as you can get after the loss of a child, but for now things were still somber. Caleb loved jokes and I could count on at least 2 or 3 a day. He didn't really need long responses from me or conversation. He was happy with an emoticon especially if it was a grimace of some sort. I appreciated that about my brother in law. I too, liked to make people groan with a bad joke. I wondered if Mark put up with my jokes from the very beginning because I reminded him of Caleb.

I was waiting up for Mark who was past due for getting off work. I was used to him being late. It just happened that way sometimes and I didn't want to call or text him if he was rushing to finish his work, so I waited. It was so late I dosed a bit on the couch finally waking up at 2am to an empty apartment. Now I was really getting worried. I reached for my phone to see if I'd missed any calls while I was sleeping. Had he taken another shift? What was going on? I called and waited while the phone rang 3...4 rings, finally he answered.

"Megan, what are you doing up?"

"Waiting for you. Is everything okay?"

There was a long pause. "I just needed some time...I'm sorry, I didn't realize how late it had gotten. Go to sleep. I'm on my way home now." He hung up and I sat there stunned. He sounded terrible. He actually thought I could sleep not knowing what was going on?

It was almost a half an hour later when he kicked his shoes off with a soft thud on the landing. I stood and rushed to the stairs, catching him in an embrace as soon as his feet left the stairs. "Where were you?"

"Huh, oh, I was just up the canyon... thinking."

"Are you okay? Is it Micah? What's the matter?" I was scared. There was obviously something wrong and I felt completely shut out. We hadn't even fought, but I felt like we weren't on the same page anymore. I pleaded, "Mark, please talk to me."

"Megan, it's late. You have school in the morning. We can talk later." He patted my head and walked over to the toaster. Normally, I enjoyed watching the methodic way he pulled the bread from the bag and sat it on a plate so that he could carefully let all the air out of the bag and close it again. Tonight, it seemed slow and deliberate like he was avoiding talking to me.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and went to bed. How was I supposed to help if he wouldn't confide in me? Did he really expect me to just wait until he was ready to talk? I fumed a little and then I remembered all those times last year when I was feeling lost. How often had I pushed Mark and my other friends away because I didn't want to talk about it? I squeezed my eyes tight against the tears, willed the frustration to go away and decided to give him until tomorrow just liked he asked.

It took a very long time for me to fall asleep. Adrenalin was pumping through my veins like I'd run a 5K. Even until the time that I finally fell asleep, Mark never came to bed.

When I woke up the next morning I found him sitting on the couch with his head resting on the back, sleeping. It was such a strange position for him to sleep in, like he hadn't intended to fall asleep. I was dying to know what had him so on edge that he would stay up most of the night, but I couldn't bring myself to wake him. Instead, I got ready for class as quietly as I could and slipped out the door after setting an alarm on his phone so that he wouldn't miss class.

The day was agony. I couldn't concentrate on anything else. The worst was my imagination. I died a thousand deaths considering all the possibilities. We had fights in my head all day and there were times when I imagined myself at his hospital bedside as he lay dying of some horrible disease. The hours passed slowly and even my joke texts from Caleb weren't enough to distract me from my pain.

Mark arrived home on time after work and came to sit next to me on the couch. I waited patiently for him to speak, praying the whole time that he would speak soon.

"I guess I owe you an explanation. But the truth is I don't know if I can say it."

"It's okay Mark. Whatever it is we will get through it together." I hoped I was right. I was scared that I might not be able to handle whatever was bothering him. If it could shake someone as strong as him why did I think I could make it better?

"I...missed the deadline for the nursing program. I thought I had all the paperwork in order, but I was missing something and so my application was incomplete." He hung his head and pinched the bridge of his nose with his hand, while I sat basking in relief. Sure, this was a setback, but it was nothing like what I'd imagined. I had the presence of mind not to brush away his concerns as easily out loud.

"I'm so sorry. You must be frustrated. Have you talked to them about it?"

"Yes, there's no hope for this year. All the spots are filled. If I had caught it sooner, maybe. But we were in Idaho."

"Mark, don't do that. You were in Idaho because you needed to be in Idaho. Don't beat yourself up for taking care of the most important thing. Who knows maybe this is the way things were supposed to work out."

"How can you say that? I have a family to support. This is our future and I blew it. I was careless and now you are going to suffer because of it. Aren't you mad at me?"

"Actually, yes I am. How could you possibly think that I would care about that? Mark, don't you understand.... Haven't you figured it out yet? We are in this together. It doesn't matter what job you do or where we live as long as I'm with you, I'm going to be happy."

"Oh really, what about children. What if we can't afford to have them for a very long time? I was trying to make it happen as soon as possible so that you could be a mother. You will make such a great mother. Now I've pushed our plans back at least a year."

"Having children will happen when it's supposed to whether we are following along our career path or not. I want to make you a father too, but if it has to wait we will be okay."

We talked long into the night and all of it was me trying to convince Mark that he was still a good husband and that I was lucky to have him. Unfortunately, by the time we went to sleep I hadn't made much headway. He'd worked himself up into quite a good mope. I would have to put some extra thought into how to help him understand because consoling words weren't helping.

The next morning Mark snuggled me in close and held me tight. I took it as a sign that maybe he was feeling better. I hugged him back until the alarm went off. It was getting close to finals and so in addition to classes I had study sessions and papers due. Mark's schedule had similar additions, but it took him until I was almost walking out the door before he got up. I figured this was just going to take some time for him to get over. It was a big blow to his plans and he had a right to be upset.

After work, I got a text from Caleb, my afternoon joke. I sent back my usual response and he texted me again.

Can I talk to you

I looked at the time and there was a good 20 minutes before my first class. I sat down on a low wall nearby and sent back

What's up

There was a long pause as I waited for him to get up the courage? Type his long text? Finally, his response came through.

Don't tell Mark, okay?

This was a tough one. I didn't want to promise to keep things from Mark, but he had a lot going on right now so I probably wouldn't tell him anyway...

That depends, is it serious?

Kind of

Let's have it.

Don't tell Mom and Dad either. I'm not really supposed to say anything.

Caleb...

Okay...Christian says he might not go on his mission.

This was the last thing I was thinking.

What? Why?

Things still aren't good here. Christian doesn't want to leave the family like this.

But he still has 6 months before he's graduated and old enough. Things will be better by then.

He doesn't think so, he says something feels off.

That's just because Micah isn't there.

That's what I told him but he says it's something else.

Should I talk to Christian?

No...I wasn't supposed to say anything. He'd kill me.

Don't worry. I will see what I can do from this end and I won't give you away. I have to get to class now.

I turned my phone ringer off and sighed. We weren't handling things very well, us Coles. I wondered where that spirit of determination had gone. What was I going to do about Christian? Mark could talk some sense into him quick, but I wasn't supposed to tell Mark. Besides with the way he was acting lately I wasn't sure he had it in him to fix a family crisis. He was already in crisis mode.

When I got home that night, it was almost 9 o clock. I'd been researching a paper in the library, but I finally had everything I needed to write. My plan was to make a sandwich, sit down at the computer, and work on it until Mark got home. I figured I could get a large portion of it done, especially if he worked late like he normally did.

I stared at the first paragraph and the blinking curser for some time before I broke down and picked up the phone. I couldn't concentrate on anything, but the conversation I'd had with Caleb. Things weren't getting any better? What did Christian mean by off? Normally, I would call my inside source in the family, Rebekah she'd been out of it more than usual lately. This time I called to talk to my Mother in Law.

"Hey, Mom. I know it's late. I was just working on a paper and I couldn't stop thinking about you guys. How are things going?"

"Busy. How are you two?"

Oops, I hadn't considered that I might need to give details, too. I wasn't sure if Mark had told his parents, but I guessed the answer was no. Since we'd been back he'd gone back to his same pattern of not calling them. "Finals are coming up. I'm working on a paper now and I have a big activity I'm in charge of tomorrow night."

"Oh, what's that?"

"It's a dance. I don't have the details yet. I get them in the morning."

"How can you be in charge of something if you haven't planned it?"

"It's a long story. But what has you guys so busy?"

"John is working really long hours lately. The kids are all going in different directions with the holiday coming. We have 4 different Christmas concerts in the next two weeks."

This was normal family stuff. I'd heard my mom complain about the same things. I wondered why the boys were so worried. Mom Cole seemed like she was perkier than when we last talked and Dad Cole was keeping busy, too. Feeling reassured I ended the conversation quickly and got back to my paper.

Mark was almost an hour late getting home and I'd managed to crank out 2 1/2 pages on my paper despite the phone call. He looked more tired than I'd seen him in a long time. The light was all out of his eyes and he walked a lot slower than usual across the room to kiss me.

"How was your day?"

"Productive." I pointed to the computer screen and he gave me a half smile.

"Great. I'm beat. I'm going to shower and go to bed."

"Do you want something to eat?"

"No, thanks. Keep working on your paper."

"I still have time to work on it this weekend. I'll join you soon."

He dropped off to sleep faster than usual and I stayed up later than I usually do worrying. Part of my thoughts were about the dance and my finals. It was just the sort of normal jitters you get when things like that are approaching. The other thoughts that I couldn't stop returning to centered completely on my new family.

I must have fallen asleep sometime in the night because the alarm woke me the next day. Mark moaned and buried his head under his pillow. I patted his back, whispered sorry, and got out of bed. By the time I was out of the shower, I could smell something wonderful. Mark was up, dressed already, and cooking breakfast. I stood there in my towel with my mouth open in shock. He looked at my expression and huffed a laugh. "What? Can't a guy make breakfast for his wife?"

I sputtered, "I...I guess so. I'm just surprised you're up. You seemed so tired."

"I knew you had a big day today. I wanted to you start it off with more than toast." He held up the pan full of scrambled eggs.

"Thank you. I'll be right back."

After I'd gotten dressed I went back for my treat. Mark had set the table and he was waiting for me. I gave him a smile and hoped he would add it to his totals this week. He returned a smile, but it wasn't the same as his usual happy smile. He was still hurting, it was obvious, partly because of the smile and partly because I still felt pushed away like that strange connection between us was broken again. It had been that way since the night he'd returned so late from the canyon.

* * *

The dance that night felt weird without Mark. Luckily, I had plenty of things to keep me busy so there was no time to stand around and wish he was there to dance with me. It seemed that the preparations for this dance were not quite up to what I would have done. It felt like I spent the whole night running around and putting out fires. For the first time, I wondered what my activity had been like and if my classmate who had taken it on last minute felt the same way about me. It occurred to me that as much as you plan for something there will always be unexpected things come up. Good preparation can help you deal with some things, but sometimes you just have to fly by the seat of your pants.

Mark must be feeling like that now with his school plans all up in the air. We hadn't been prepared for Micah's death and now school was an unknown. I thought about Christian and was glad that for the time being I couldn't tell Mark.

The last song played and someone said the closing prayer. I tried not to herd the crowd to the doors so that I could clean up and go home. I found a darker corner and began to take down decorations. There were a few helpful people who started to stack chairs and take down the refreshment table. I was grateful to have the help. Josh who'd planned that activity had left the clean up to just himself, trusting that there would be those who felt obligated to help clean up. He wasn't wrong. There were always at least a handful of helpful souls in any group. Mark was one of those and I often tagged along.

I pulled the last of the decorations down and surveyed the room to see what was left. Most of the chairs were taken care of and someone was already vacuuming the floor. I went to help in the kitchen and found that the food and dishes had been neatly dispatched by my tall, tired looking husband.

"Mark, what are you doing here?"

"Dishes."

I checked my watch, it was nearly midnight. "Why aren't you home? It's so late, you must be tired."

He rolled his eyes at me. "And leave you here to clean up all by yourself? I tried to make it for the last dance, but I got out of work a little late, sorry."

He took a rag and wiped the counter down. I decided not to fight it and walked over for a hug. It was kind of fun to hug Mark when he couldn't really hug back. With his hands wet from dishes I snuggled into his chest and he held his arms out awkwardly. Since we were alone in the kitchen I reached up and tickled him. He jumped squirming around like I'd just placed live worms in his scrubs.

"Megan."

"Sorry, I just couldn't resist."

"Oh, don't worry, you won't have to carry that guilt around for long. Payback is coming." He flashed an evil smile at me and I laughed. It was the first real smile I'd seen in days and although it meant he was bent on revenge, I was happy.

* * *

We slept in the next morning and it felt so good to be lazy. It had been such an exhausting week and I was wiped out emotionally. Even as I lay in bed I worried about the Coles, and Mark. I worried about school and about what would happen now. Mark was still asleep and I tried my best to push everything else out of my mind and just listen to him breath. This late in the morning he was well passed the tossing and turning. He lay there still and almost silent except for the gentle rise and fall of his chest. I slid over and laid my head there adding the thud of his heart to the sound.

It was funny how completely mesmerizing it could be just to listen to his heart and hear him breath. If I'd known that it was so calming last year when I was going through so much, I wonder if I would have had the courage to ask him for help. We'd talked about it many times since we'd gotten together. Mark thinks that I came to him as soon as I possibly could. He says that I needed time to find my belief in Heavenly Father again before I could feel happy. He's probably right. I was not a very happy person last year, but somehow Mark watched over me during that time and cared about me anyway.

Just remembering, made me squeeze him tighter and he stirred a bit, snuffling in his sleep and turning towards me. I readjusted my position to fit comfortable next to him and continued to hug him tight.

We spent the day rather frivolously, considering all the things that were worrying us. I'd missed grocery shopping this week because of my paper so we took care of it together. Mark suggested a movie after dinner and I didn't object. It would be nice to have a distraction and a date with Mark was always worth having.

When we got home it was early enough that I sat down to write up my evaluation of the dance activity. I tried to strike a balance between accurate and generous. Josh had really helped me out and I wanted to say good things. The biggest problem of the night had been getting the sound system up and running. I made the suggestion in my paper that testing the music ahead of time would have been helpful. Other than that snag the other things just seemed like nitpicking, so I talked instead about how much fun everyone had and how the food was really delicious and well received. The evaluation paper only took a couple of hours and when it was done I felt relieved, the way that you can only feel when you have finished a class successfully.

While I'd worked on my paper, Mark had puttered around the apartment looking for things to do. I told myself it was just his nervous energy and not my lack luster homemaking skills. He picked up a pile of junk mail and sat at the table going through it all. He noticed the stairs needed to be vacuumed and set to work on it at once. He even decided to clean the very top shelves in the cupboards that I have a hard time reaching. It was like watching a little kid playing on a rainy day, periods of boredom interspersed with bright ideas.

* * *

Finals week was a jumble. It always messed my schedule up but now that I had Mark's schedule to consider too, it was even crazier. He switched several of his shifts to graveyards so that he could accommodate tests. By the end of the week I didn't know if I was coming or going. Some days I forgot to eat until late and others I fell asleep on the couch waiting for Mark. In the moments between work and study sessions and tests I briefly saw my husband. Aside from looking tired he seemed to be holding up okay. I couldn't wait until the break when we would have time together almost uninterrupted.

I'd received nearly daily requests from Caleb, and Mom Cole for us to come for Christmas. I hadn't approached the subject with Mark because I knew that he was planning on working, but I really wanted to go to the Cole's and see how things were going. I needed to talk some sense into Christian and I couldn't do that over the phone. Once finals were done, I figured I could convince Mark to at least consider a quick visit on Christmas.
Chapter 6

It was early Friday morning just before Mark's last final that my plans changed. I was taking a shower trying to remember the conversion tables I'd been studying when he came into the bathroom.

"Megan, what is this all about?"

I was puzzled. "What?"

"I was reading your texts from Caleb because I needed a good laugh this morning and I find this instead..."

He didn't need to explain any further. "I was going to talk to you about it. You know how Christian is, he probably just needs someone to talk to. I was going to suggest that we go and visit for the holiday."

"You know we can't do that. I have to work. You should have told me."

I heard the door close behind me and my shoulders slumped. I stayed there for a minute wondering what to do as the water ran through my hair. Eventually, I got out, still not sure what to do. I dressed and opened the door to the bathroom cautiously. Mark was sitting on the bed with his face in his hands. I tiptoed into the room prepared for him to yell at me. He didn't look up, I sat on the bed next to him and waited.

In my head, I ran through excuses. Caleb asked me not to tell. I just wanted you to do well on your finals. You've been so stressed lately, I couldn't tell you. None of them seemed like the right thing to say. They were all designed to comfort me, not him. I remembered that when I was dealing with my cancer and people would come to visit. They always said the most meaningless things. It was almost funny, until I realized that they were trying to comfort themselves, not me. After that, I focused on comforting them, too. At least that way I had something to do. Yeah, you're right, I'll be out of here in no time. You're right, my head is nicely shaped and it's so much cooler this way.

It might take time, but I was not going to begin this conversation. I was going to listen. It was the only way that I would know what I needed to say to comfort him. I crept a hand over to his knee and patted gently. After a moment he took a hand away from his face so that he could grab that hand. He held it tight and slowly raised his face to mine.

"You can't trust me can you?"

I was shocked. "Huh?"

"I'm such a screw up as a husband that you have to protect me from things like this... you can't trust me."

"Mark, I may have been trying to protect you a little, but I've always trusted you. From that very first week that we met I have known that you were worth trusting. What is all this? Why would you think that you're a screw up?"

He leaned his head down onto my shoulder awkwardly and sniffed. "Everything is falling apart. I can't take care of you or the family. No matter how I try to get past it, I've messed up our future because I was so wrapped up in my past. If I had followed what the scriptures say I would be in the nursing program right now."

"What do you mean what the scriptures say?"

"Leave and cleave.... I was supposed to leave and cleave. This family is supposed to be my main priority, not them. I never wanted them to come before you."

"Mark, I have never felt like your family has come before me. Did you just think that you could end all contact with them and take care of only me. I don't think that's what leave and cleave means. They need you and they are part of your eternal family. I love them too and Micah's death is not something you should have or could have ignored. If nursing school didn't work out this time then it wasn't meant to be."

"Wasn't meant to be is code for I messed up and now I am reaping the consequences."

"Mark, you are a wonderful husband, son and brother. I have no doubt that you will be a wonderful father, when the time comes, but you do know that you don't have to do it all yourself don't you? Being perfect is something that is only possible with the help of Christ."

He sighed deeply, "Megan, I know you are trying to help, but right now I don't think I can get past the way I am feeling...Just tell me one thing, okay?"

"What?"

"Tell me that you still love me."

"Oh Mark, of course, I love you. I love you so much that most of the time my insides are about to burst. The longer we are together the more in love I become and the dearer to me you are." I kissed his hair and repeated, "I love you. I love you," while he continued to sniff.

After a while he squeezed my hand and let go. He stood, wiped his eyes and gave me a kiss on my forehead. "Thank you, Megan. I really have to go to take my test now. Sorry for giving you such a lousy start to your day."

"Actually, I think this day will be much better than most of the days this week. Can I ride with you to school? I think I will study in the library."

"What about your hair? It's still wet."

"Today I will risk frightening the other children. It's finals week after all."

* * *

Riding the bus home there was a sense of relief that I was finished with the semester. Everything had been completed and turned in, all of my tests were done. It was a good feeling. It also helped to know a bit more about Mark. I now understood why he'd been trying to distance himself from him family these past few months. It had been so strange because he was a very devoted son and brother. That was one of the things that I loved about him. He'd been focusing all his attentions on me. I'd been eating it up not realizing that he was probably feeling the loss of communication with his family. Now there was this thing with Christian and not just him but everyone. I could just imagine how much Mark was itching to meddle. It was one of his most dominant traits. He was such a mother hen. He was only stopping himself because of me. I'd never wanted to change who Mark was, I loved him, quirks and all.

One thing was certain though, this nursing school thing was not going to go away just because he was making an effort to act happy for me. I needed to come up with some solution or help him come up with one that wouldn't leave him feeling like such a failure.

As if to calm me further before I got home, Caleb texted his latest joke. This one was actually funny or maybe it was just that I was exhausted. I laughed until tears came from my eyes. People began to look at me like I was crazy and give me nervous smiles. I was feeling so silly at that moment that I counted all five of them towards my weekly total. I deserved a treat, it had been a long week.

Walking home was a bit treacherous because it had sleeted while I was in class. Campus walkways had been cleared pretty well, but there was ice all over the sidewalks between the bus stop and home. I was almost there when I encountered a patch of ice that didn't look like a patch of ice. Before I could stop myself, I fell, hands flailing all around. I sat on the sidewalk, my jeans wet, my hip sore, and laughed. I must have been rather funny looking as I fell and I couldn't help but picture it. I flipped over onto my knees and slowly looked for a safe way to stand up again.

Luckily, I was within site of the house because I was really struggling. What had felt sore while I was sitting, was positively painful trying to walk. My backpack was light, thank goodness, and my steps were even more measured now. I looked before I placed each foot. It took a long time, but my body wasn't up to moving fast anyways.

I made it down the stairs; the nice, safe, dry, indoor stairs and over to the couch. It was nearly four pm and Mark would be working until late. I could rest and even skip dinner if I wanted to and that seemed like the perfect plan, given my current state. As the shadows in the apartment shifted walls and finally the darkness of a late winter evening replaced them, I made only one change. After a bathroom trip I opted for my bed because it was both more comfortable and closer to the bathroom.

When Mark came down the stairs it woke me from a doze. I realized guiltily that I hadn't made any dinner or even a snack for him. He turned on lights as he went through the apartment. "Megan?"

"I'm in here." I painfully scooched up onto my elbows and waited. He poked his head into the door.

"Oh, there you are. Did I wake you? I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay. How was your test and work?"

"Fine, I guess. Mr. Wallace keeps telling me to chew you out because you missed Tuesday."

"I told him that I had a final that night, but I should go see him."

"You've had a long week. Don't worry, he's just making noise. We can go see him tomorrow if you want." He studied me for a minute and added, "Unless you're sick."

"Oh, I'm okay. I just fell coming home and I'm a bit sore. Give me a minute and I can make you something to eat." I tried to get up as gracefully as I could, knowing that if I showed too much pain Mark would have a fit.

"You fell? What, on the ice? Where does it hurt? Don't get up." He rushed over to me and pressed a firm hand against my shoulder. I gave up and laid back down. "Let me see, is it your ankle?"

"It's my left side, but it's fine. I'm just a bit banged up."

"Maybe we need an x-ray. I could carry you to the truck, just let me get my shoes back on."

"Mark, stop. I said it's okay. I'm just in a bit of pain. It will be better in a day or two. Think bruise not broken bone."

"But Megan we should be sure."

"I am sure. Look, I've been wasting the whole evening lying around and taking care of myself. It isn't like I've been ignoring it. I promise I'm fine."

He brushed hair from my face and kissed my fingers. "I just worry so much about you."

"I know, but I'm not as fragile as the people you take care of at work. I'm young and healthy, remember."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I love you so much."

"You're probably hungry too, so move and I will fix something."

"Megan, I can cook for myself. Don't even think about getting up."

He gave my hand a squeeze and jumped up with all his restless energy. I could never figure out how he could do school and work and still be so energized. I laid there a minute or two before I decided that I really needed a bathroom trip. At least Mark couldn't see me as I got up. I opted for wincing instead of audible moans of pain. The healthier I appeared the less he would worry.

I hobbled from the bedroom pausing to see that Mark was focused on his cooking before I went the rest of the way to the bathroom. I stood looking at my tired face in the mirror. My hair was a bit out of control, so what else was new. I took a few minutes to try and tame it. I should have set the alarm for 10pm then I could have avoided all of this, Mark would never have known, well except for the large bruises all down my side.

With my hair and face a bit more presentable, I stood at the bathroom door and watched Mark cook a stir-fry. It smelled really good. His cooking always did. My stomach growled. "Is there enough of that for me too?" It was a silly question, even if he had intended to eat it all himself he would never turn me away. He would probably feed me first, the big softy, and take very little for himself. "I mean, it just smells so good, I only wanted a small taste."

"It's almost ready. Have a seat."

I was trapped. He turned the heat off the stove and walked over to hold a chair out for me. I knew he was testing me. I couldn't help the hobble, but I tried to control my facial expressions. He scrutinized each step and his eyebrows furrowed.

"I'm fine." I repeated, not waiting for his objections. "Look this will just take a day or two to heal. It's nothing to worry about."

"I concur with that analysis doctor."

"Wait...what?"

"I think you're right. It doesn't seem like your range of motion is greatly affected."

I was stunned. Mark rarely acted so rational about things like this. "Good. I'm glad we agree."

"But I still expect you to take care of yourself. No big celebration for us tomorrow, I'm afraid. It looks like a nice quiet day at home is in order."

"But what about Mr. Wallace?"

"I'll give him a call. Besides this way he can have a good laugh at your expense when you are well enough to visit."

"Nice, Mark." But I knew he was right. Mr. Wallace would waste no time making fun of my icy antics.

After we'd eaten and Mark had seen to it that I was comfortably tucked in bed he carefully scooted next to me and placed an arm over me. I sighed and focused on his slowing breaths instead of my throbbing leg.

* * *

The next morning I was awakened by noises in the kitchen. Mark was up before me again, it was like the world was turned on its head.

"Oh, good you're up. I made breakfast."

He brought in a tray of food that looked like it would feed an army. "That's so sweet, but how am I going to eat all of that?"

"I can help, but you have to eat some of everything. The eggs are full of protein which your body will need for healing. The greens are to keep your vitamin levels up while you're healing. The fruit is for added energy and just because it's sweet. I think the greens may be a bit bitter so maybe alternate it with the fruit." His face was a little apologetic, but his smile was all love and concern.

"Thank you." I reached up and pulled him towards me so that I could kiss him.

After we ate I tried to get up to wash the dishes. Mark grabbed the tray from my hand and gently pushed me back onto the bed.

"Mark, I can help. It is much better this morning."

"You are staying right there until you are all better. I will call and let them know that you won't be at church tomorrow so that Patti can get another teacher."

"I'll be fine for church. You said nothing was broken. I thought you were going to be reasonable about this." Hurt flashed briefly in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way."

He kissed my cheek and left the room with the dishes. I got up and got myself dressed. I was not spending the whole day in bed. I had things to do, besides I was already sick of it. When I was dressed I followed him into the kitchen. Mark was usually a clean cook, but the place looked like a tornado had hit it.

"Megan, I told you to rest."

"I'm only a little sore today. If I don't move around all get stiff."

"But your body needs time to heal."

"I have things I need to do today."

"Tell me what they are and I will do them. I have to take care of you."

"You take care of me all the time. Now you need to let me be strong when I can and help me when I need help. Like right now I could use your help getting me the towel I just dropped, bending is still a bit painful.

"See you should be in bed."

"I know you love me and don't want to see me in pain, but just because you love me doesn't mean that you need to baby me. If you do that I will become weak. It's okay to let me do things on my own and it is okay for you to need me, too."

Mark huffed, handed me the towel and sat on the couch with his head in his hands again.

"Mark, I'm sorry." I said sitting next to him. "I didn't mean to upset you. Can you talk to me?"

"It just feels like all my instincts are wrong. I can't seem to get anything right, now."

"Mark you are doing fine. Why are you being so hard on yourself?"

He looked at me, pasted on a smile and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "So what did you need to get done today? We can do it together."

"Mark, let's talk about this. I want to help. I want you to be happy again."

"Megan, its fine. I'm just over tired. Let's finish the dishes. I made kind of a big mess."

I wasn't going to get anywhere with this now, so I let him pull me up from the couch. "You did make a mess? What happened?"

In my prayers I prayed in earnest for Mark. He just seemed to be getting worse. I had no solutions to offer, but I knew that Heavenly Father had the answers. I hoped that I would be able to know what to say when the time was right to help Mark through his difficulties. I missed my husband. I missed the closeness we shared. It felt like I was wondering around in the dark where he was concerned, now that our connection was weak.

I stayed on the couch like a good girl the rest of the day. Mark just seemed happier when he could take care of me, so I let him. I still wasn't sure how to approach the subject of going to Idaho for Christmas. I knew it was bothering him, not knowing what was going on with his family, especially with Christian.

It was Andy who managed to save the day again. He called before church the next morning asking if he could stop by that night. Mark perked up a bit and told him to come on over. I smiled to myself thinking that maybe this was what Mark needed, a friend to talk to. I had been trying to be that friend all along, but maybe Mark needed someone who wasn't involved in the situation.

* * *

Our church building was an older floor plan that was two story. The young women met up the stairs and down a long hallway. My beehive class was trying to help me. Each taking a hand and leading me up the stairs. I insisted that I was fine, but Mark had told them about my fall. One of the young ladies on my arm was so tiny I could have crushed her if I'd managed to fall. I let myself be assisted figuring that it was good that they were showing compassion, mostly though, I just felt silly.

After class, Mark came and got me himself, grabbing my elbow and insisted that I place my weight on him as we descended the stairs. Rowdy primary children, excited that church was over, came pouring from their classrooms and filled the stairway. I was grateful to have Mark there, if only for crowd control. He pulled out his big daddy voice that worked even in whisper form and said, "Walking feet." Most of the kids immediately responded and stopped trying to push their way down the stairs past us. The couple that didn't stop were the ones that no one could have stopped. There are always a few of those kids in every crowd. I could just picture my brother Drew at that age.

* * *

It was after dinner when Andy showed up. Mark welcomed him in with a big smile that to the untrained eye would seem genuine. Andy had a trained eye and immediately he started to act cautiously.

"Oh, hey Megan."

"Glad you could stop by, Andy. Did you eat already?"

"Yeah, hours ago."

Mark offered him a seat on the couch and I decided to give them some space. Before I walked into our bedroom I noticed that Andy had his sketch pad with him. Maybe the two of them would talk like old time and just hang out. Maybe Mark would forget all the pressures of being married and just enjoy himself. I shut the door a little sad that he had to forget about me to relax. Still, it was more important that he got what he needed and he definitely needed to have a break from all the stress.

I waited, expecting to hear laughter, but they were quiet. I caught myself listening on the other side of the door. Correcting my behavior, I picked up a book and went to lay in bed. The bedside lamp on Mark's side was the best, besides he'd molded his pillow into the perfect shape for propping myself up to read. I opened the book and read the first paragraph over 3 times before I realized it. It was too hard to focus when I was worried.

Sometime during that next hour I fell asleep because Mark woke me when he turned off the lamp. "I'm awake."

"It's okay, you must be tired. Go back to sleep."

"No," I sat up, "I just got bored waiting for you. Did you have a nice time with Andy?"

Mark turned the light on again and shrugged. "We were just working on something. He's about finished with Micah's picture. I was just double checking the details for him."

"How does it look?"

"Beautiful." He choked up a bit when he spoke. I reached out for his arm and scooted over so he could join me on the bed. "Megan, I think we're going to need to go home for Christmas. I mean to my parent's home."

"Okay, I wanted to go anyway. Why'd you change your mind?"

"Andy wants me to deliver it in person."

"Makes sense. That way I can talk some reason into Christian, too."

"I think you had better leave Christian to me." Mark touched the tip of my nose with his finger.

"But why? I've got all my arguments ready."

"But I've had all his excuses and I know what he's thinking."

I couldn't argue with that logic and besides I didn't want to argue. I wanted to smile and I wanted him to smile. "Well, what we save in shipping won't make up the cost in gas, but it helps."

"Shipping?"

"Mark, haven't you noticed? I've been shopping for weeks. I have presents for everyone except my Dad, but then he's difficult to buy for. You didn't think all those wrapped presents in the closet were for you, did you?"

He pasted on a wounded face, "What, they're not for me? But I gave you my lengthy list months ago." His face broke out into a real smile.

I kissed him and snuggled into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and it felt so good to be there especially because I could still feel the smile on his face.
Chapter 7

The Cole house was anything but somber. There were just too many things going on. When we arrived Rebekah was rushing around the house looking for her favorite hair band, growling at the younger girls for losing it. Christian was heading out the door to work and telling Rebekah to hurry up if she wanted a ride to her concert. Mark rolled his shoulders, took a deep breath, and sighed. Still there was a smile on his face that told me he enjoyed the chaos.

We found Mom Cole in the family room helping Caleb with something. I couldn't quite figure out what they were doing, but it had a lot of knots.

"You made it? How was the drive?"

"Not bad, Megan didn't even stall the car this time."

"Hey, I haven't done that in months."

Mark dropped a quick kiss on my head and walked over to give his Mom a hug. It was in this cramped little room, overcrowded usually with people that I felt the loss most. How many times had I played with or read to Micah in this room? Now something seemed missing and I knew that I wasn't the only one that felt it. Caleb jumped on Mark and always the good big brother, Mark began to wrestle with Caleb even though I knew how tired he was. To make the trip in time he had worked all night and was only able to rest fitfully on the ride to Idaho.

I intervened after a few minutes by distracting Caleb. "What are you making?"

"It's a fishing net for Dad. Not like one you can get in the store, this one has bigger holes so the smaller fish can get away."

"I bet he'll really like that. I didn't know your Dad fished a lot."

"He doesn't much yet, but we are starting to go more often now that..." His voice trailed off and I could see gloom settle on every face in the room like someone had just closed a curtain blocking out the sunlight.

Mom Cole spoke up, "Dad's been stressed more lately so Caleb and I are trying to encourage a new relaxing hobby."

We heard the front door close and shortly after that we were joined by Anna and Ruth. They came bouncing into the room with all the energy of little girls. Anna waited by the counter until Mark went over and squeezed her into his side. Ruth, not wanting to miss out, cuddled in on the other side.

"Did Rebekah find her headband?"

"Yes, Mom. It was in the couch cushions downstairs."

"From now on you need to leave her things alone... you understand, right?"

"Yes, Mom." The two girls chorused.

"Okay, you have been taught and warned so the next time there will be a punishment."

Both girls hung their heads. Mark just couldn't stand to see them sad. I watched a nervous energy build in him before he blurted out. "On the other hand, while I'm here, you can borrow any of my hair bands, barrettes, and even my curling iron." Both girls exploded into giggles and Mark's mother smirked and threw a couch pillow at him.

* * *

It was much later in the evening when Dad Cole made it home. I was hoping it was just the lighting in the dining room that made his face look so gray. His smile was only half there, though you could tell he was trying to show enthusiasm for our arrival. Mark wasn't fooled either. Concern replaced the jovial expression that had been there just moments before. He gave his dad the usual bear hug and the large man clapped a hand onto my shoulder. "I'm so glad you could come for Christmas. It wouldn't be the same without you."

"We're glad we could make it too. I'm hoping for some snow. I've heard the snowball fights around here are legendary."

"Oh, Megan, don't get them started." Mom Cole said.

"Well, if I see Santa, I will let him know your Christmas wish." Dad winked at me.

Mark held me close that night when we were finally bedded down in the new guest room. Caleb had indeed moved from the room upstairs that he'd shared with Micah down to the room in the basement with Christian. No one wanted to move into that room so they furnished it for visitors. I could feel tension all along Mark's back and even though he was so tired he didn't sleep. I rubbed my fingers along his spine, but he wasn't relaxing. "It's your dad, right?"

It wasn't really a question. I knew why he was worried, I was worried too.

"Something's not right."

"What can we do?"

"I'm thinking on it."

I thought for a moment too and then I helped the only way I knew to help at that moment. I closed my eyes and began a prayer, Mark relaxed in my arms slightly as I offered the words that had us both concerned and asked Heavenly Father to help us know what to do. When I finished, Mark squeezed me and said, "Thank you." He fell asleep a few minutes later.

* * *

I spent the next morning making cookies with the girls. We giggled, stole cookie dough from the bowl and got red and green sprinkles all over the dining room table. Mom Cole saw that we had everything we needed then went back to her room for some quiet time. Mark didn't wake up until noon. I was glad he'd gotten so much sleep, but he still looked tired. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, effectively trapping my arms mid spread. I was making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. I turned my face to the side and kissed his bare arm. I guess the kissing sound I made was really loud because Anna started in with an ewwww. She was followed by Ruth who added a more singsong tone to it and the girls started dancing around us.

"Gee, I miss home." Mark said as he let me go and turned to tickle his little sisters. Grateful not to be the target, I went back to making sandwiches.

After lunch I sat in the family room listening to Ruth practice her reading. Mark was conferencing with his mom in the living room. I knew he would get to the bottom of things in a hurry. Rebekah wondered through the kitchen looking for a spray bottle. She was fixing Anna's hair. I think she was feeling bad about yelling at the girls last night. Ruth had already received a Rebekah original doo, there were more colored ribbons than I'd ever seen on one head and Ruth keep twirling her fingers through them as she read.

Caleb came in from outside...from the looks of the sawdust on his clothes he must have been in the workshop. He flopped down next to me and signed heavily. "What's up?"

He shrugged, looked gloomily at his little sister and said, "Can you believe when Christian leaves I am going to be stuck here with all these girls?"

I noticed that he still thought Christian was leaving for a mission soon. I hoped that was a good sign and not just that he was good at keeping secrets. Caleb looked at me for a response. "It's not so bad. Look we made cookies."

He smirked and shook his head.

"Besides, your mission is only 4 years away."

"I can't even imagine that."

I had to agree with him. The Cole house seemed to be shrinking at an alarming rate. Micah had just been the first, soon Christian and then Rebekah. What would happen to this lively home as they each left? We sighed together and we each popped a cookie in our mouths. He leaned his head on my shoulder and I twisted my head just enough so that my frizzy hair tickled his face. After a moment he jumped, batted at his face and grabbed the nearest couch pillow. Couch pillows were ammunition in this house, good thing there were a lot of them. Ruth protested, "Hey, I'm trying to read." Caleb hit her with a pillow. With that the book was tossed aside and the house was back to a roar.

* * *

Frustrated, Mark sat on the edge of the bed in the guest room; his fingers in his hair. I sat down beside him rubbing his shoulders. "So, what did you find out?"

"Nothing. She says he's just down since Micah. But Megan, that can't be it. I feel it and so must Christian, something is not right."

"You should talk to your Dad. Maybe you should offer him a blessing."

"That's actually a good idea."

"Well, I have been known to have them on occasion."

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant I should have thought of that."

I laughed and kissed him on the back of the neck. "That's what a wife is for."

"I have the best wife ever, then. He turned quickly, knocking me off balance and sending me back on the bed. He made up for the tickles that I had missed earlier that day until we were both out of breath. I laid there next to him, his hand in mine, knowing that the brief moments of laughter didn't change the worry or the grief. It was the same with everything in the Cole house right now. Every laugh felt like relief and hollow at the same time, like you knew the relief would end soon. Lonely... we were all feeling lonely...together.

* * *

Two nights later Mark and I went caroling with Christian, Caleb and some of the youth from the ward. It was the night before Christmas Eve and it had started snowing. Rebekah was keeping to herself a lot these days. I'd barely seen her since we'd arrived. Mark had tried to get her to come with us but she wasn't in the mood.

Christian drove us in the land boat because it gets better traction in the snow. I sat in the back with Mark and a flood of memories came to me as we drove. Did my heart know clear back at the first time meeting the Coles that I was destined to be one of them? I'd felt so insulted for Mark when Rebekah teased him about his hair and girlfriend status that I'd kissed him. Whatever had made me feel so comfortable in his presence and in theirs had never really changed. I think Mark was remembering too because he pulled me across the back seat to sit as close to him as possible, like how we'd accidentally been that night. I could still hear my father in laws caution to his son to keep it G rated.

I was expecting tonight to be the night that Mark would talk to Christian about the whole mission thing. Christian had been working pretty much the whole time we'd been back. I hoped that meant he was still saving for his mission. It didn't take long for the two of them to pull away from the group. We walked around the well-lit neighborhood the kids had chosen because so many of their friends lived there. Mark and Christian hung back about 15 feet from the group. I chose the center because with my height I was guaranteed almost complete protection from the wind and falling snow. There must be something about becoming an 'old married woman' that makes you appreciate falling snow from behind a window rather than taking a walk in it. All around me teens shivered and talked excitedly, but I was more concerned about the conversation I couldn't hear behind us.

It was at the last house that the kids had arranged for cocoa and popcorn. We sat near the fireplace, thawing and I listened to the group laughing at odd times while looking at their phones. I looked down at my phone as it began to ring. It was a text from Mark.

Should we text too....I feel kind of left out hereJ.

No it's our job as the 'older, wiser' set to demonstrate conversation J

Lol

Cut that out.

"So has anyone heard any good jokes lately?"

"Oh, please.... Someone have a good joke.... All Megan has are horrible ones." Mark put his hands together in a pleading jester and I learned that couch pillows can be ammo in other houses too because Jenna, one of Rebekah's friends, handed me one.

* * *

Mark wasn't very forthcoming with the details of his talk with Christian. I was trying not to pry, but I was really curious. If anything Mark's spirits seemed to be even more down and I had no idea why. The best I could figure was that he had been unable to change Christian's mind. If that was it I hoped he'd give me a shot. I wasn't sure what I could say that Mark hadn't already, but I wanted to try.

Mark snugged me in close the next morning and buried his face in my hair. This was always such a tempting position and it was hard to resist tickling his face. His breaths were deep and steady and it felt like I was somehow transferring strength to him. That is what it often felt like when Mark held me close, like I was giving him life, but in reality he was usually breathing new life into me. I loved the idea that maybe I could give him as much strength as he gave me.

The snow had continued to fall through the night and soon Caleb was knocking on our door looking for volunteers to shovel snow. Since it was Christmas Eve the only one that needed to make it to work was Christian and he was good until the lunch shift so everyone had gotten to stay warm for most of the morning.

Mark reluctantly let me go, dutifully dressed and headed out the door. I put my efforts to work in the laundry room trying to get the few loads piled on the floor done before the real holiday festivities started. I knew from experience that laundry didn't really stop for holidays, if anything there seemed to be more, but at least while I was here, it would be a laundry free holiday for Mom Cole.

"Have you noticed the pine tree in the backyard?" Ruth said excitedly as I came up the stairs. "It's all covered in snow and looks just like a Christmas tree."

I put the laundry basket on the table and wandered over to the window. Everything did look beautiful and frosted like we'd spent hours placing the snow in just the right places; the corners of the window, the branches of the trees. Even the top of the trampoline, which looked a bit like a cupcake.

There was an excited squeal behind me. "I love Christmas snow!" I smiled at my sister in law who was good at squealing. I wondered what she would be like when she was older and there were boys involved.

"I love Christmas, too. Kind of makes me homesick, not that the snow isn't nice, but I miss my family. Tonight is story telling night and we always go to see the lights at the temple."

"You should call them. They probably miss you, too. Do you think they're jealous because you came here for Christmas instead of going there?"

I laughed. "I doubt they're jealous. They know I love them and well, we couldn't have made it down to Arizona for Christmas anyway. Besides they know about Micah..."

Any mention of Micah was, of course, a mood and conversation killer. Ruth nodded awkwardly and headed toward the front door. I took the hint and carried the clean laundry into the family room for folding. When I finished, I took advantage of the rare quiet to call home.

"Megan, I was wondering if I was going to hear from you. How are the Coles?" Mom had fallen in love with her new in laws almost instantly, especially Mark. Kelly my younger sister was especially broken up about Micah's death. She had made friends with all the Cole children during the wedding and receptions, but she loved dancing and singing for Micah the most.

"Things are good here, mostly. They just aren't the same... you know."

"Well, honey of course things are going to be different, especially during the holidays. We may understand that Micah is in a better place and that we will be with him again, but that doesn't mean he isn't missed."

"I know. I just wish I could fix it. Mark is worried and I don't know how to make things better."

"You can't fix everything, Megan. All you can do is listen and be there for him and his family."

"Well, what a downer I am on Christmas. How is everything there?"

"Drew is helping me with the turkey this year. I think he's worried he won't know how to cook for himself when he goes on a mission. Dad has been collecting specialty sodas from all over the valley for some kind of New Year's celebration that he hasn't let me in on yet. And the tree is overflowing with presents for the first and most spoiled grandchild. By the time you and Mark add to the grandkid totals we may just be broke."

"I'll keep that in mind. I would definitely find out what Dad is up to, it sounds fun, but a little ominous."

"Well, you know your Dad."

Mark walked in the room, sat next to me and placed his cold red toes in my lap. I wrapped a hand around each foot and tried to warm them up by rubbing. "Is that your mom?"

I nodded. "Can I?" he reached out for the phone and I handed it to him.

"Merry Christmas, Mom!"

"Yes, I just got done shoveling."

"Sorry we couldn't make it to visit this time. Maybe we can make it out this summer."

I sat back and listened to the smile in Mark's voice. He sounded almost happy, but I wasn't buying it. There was still something really bothering him and I wish I knew what to do.

After they had exchanged greetings, Mark handed the phone back to me. "Megan, I was going to call you about this last week but I wasn't sure if it was the right time. I have a friend who has a friend.... Well anyway, she is learning how to train service dogs and I spoke to her about Anna. Could you feel out the situation there? I know there is a lot going on right now, but it's a rare opportunity. I will email you all the details."

"I'll talk to them. Thanks Mom, and Merry Christmas. Hug everyone for me."

* * *

The little girls dragged me out the door in my snow gear to build a snowman. Honestly, they didn't have to drag that hard. Playing in the snow sounded like the perfect way to spend the afternoon. Unlike last night the shining sun made the cold white stuff seem more inviting. Besides out away from the house it was easier to escape the gloom and with everything sparkling like crystal the sunlight seemed doubled. In a corner of the workshop was a small plastic bin full of snowman attire. I loved the idea instantly and decided that we would need a box like that, too. There were knitted scarves of various bright colors, rocks the perfect shape for facial features and even an assortment of hats. Anna liked the hard army helmet best so Ruth and I chose a green scarf to continue the outfit.

The evening was capped off with songs around the piano, something that had never quite worked in my house growing up. Here the Coles were used to time around the piano. My mother in law was an excellent player and each of her children loved to sing. It was one of those perfect family moments that leaves you pinching yourself because things like that just don't happen in real life. I worried for the piano bench despite the fact that Mom Cole is a slight person. With a growing girl sitting on either side of her, enthusiastically bouncing it looked as if the seat would collapse. I sat blissfully curled into Mark's side with Rebekah to my right occasionally leaning her head on my shoulder. I was glad she'd come out of her room to be with us. There was so much warmth and joy that I could have stayed there all night.

We finished with an angelic version of Silent Night then Dad Cole said it was time to read the Christmas story. In years past we had often acted the nativity out, but as we got older we felt silly getting all dressed up and crawling around on the family room rug. Mark's family seemed to be making a similar transition because the younger girls and Caleb still took up spots by the piano while the rest shared a few bibles that were passed out. Anna played Mary with one of her dolls and Ruth acted as an angel, her red, curly hair almost brighter than the tinsel halo she wore. Caleb of course played Joseph and I could see on his face longsuffering. I was proud of him for not complaining and just letting his sisters have their moment. I wondered if any of my brothers had ever done the same for me.

As I get older, it's funny the things I notice and while it is nice to catch the genuine smiles sometimes it's moments like these that are the real measure of love. How many eye rolls had I missed that really meant 'this is hard, but I will support you no matter what'? How many hand squeezes like the one I'm witnessing between Mark's parents saying "I know, I miss him too," had I misinterpreted? Just how many expressions of love could pass across a person's face in a lifetime that looked nothing like a smile at all?

I was pondering on this when Mark nudged me gently back to what we were reading. Each family member was taking a turn reading. He helpfully pointed to the scripture we were on and I began trying to ignore the snickers of my dear brother in laws. When we had finished and Caleb had gotten out of his kneeling position with an over exaggerated sigh, Dad Cole gave Mark a significant nod. I sort of knew what was going on, but I hadn't expected all the ceremony. In the Cole household all the presents were opened on Christmas morning, in fact, there were no presents under the tree until then. But this year there stood one lone present and it was Mark's pleasure to share it with the family. None of us had seen it, Andy had delivered it to Mark wrapped. With a slight tremble in his hand that only I was aware of, Mark let me go and stood to retrieve the gift. He'd thought that it would be best received in the reverent atmosphere of the night so he'd gotten special permission from his parents.

As he unwrapped the paper, it seemed that he was moving in slow motion. I wanted to jump up, run across the room, and tear it for him. My enthusiasm would not fit the moment so I tried to reign myself in. Mark knelt on the floor between his parents and they were first to see the drawing of their son that Andy had made for them. Tears filled they're eyes. "It's beautiful, it's beautiful....there's my boy....so beautiful." Dad Cole's words had me crying and the rest of the kids crowded around to look over their shoulders and see. All the kids except Anna. I hadn't until that moment realized that this would be a gift she could not enjoy. There was a funny look of confusion and sadness on her face and I wanted to hug her, but Mark beat me to it.

"Hey, Anna. This was in the package for you. He pulled out a rolled up piece of paper and walked his sister by the hand from the room and into the dining room. I followed wanting to see what was up. Andy had thought of everything and I was grateful that Mark had such a good friend. On the paper was a cruder copy of the original, for this one had more simple lines; lines that were deeply carved into the paper. Anna was able to brush her very sensitive fingers over the ruts and 'see' the drawing of the brother she loved.

The whole family had slowly made there was into the dining room to see what was going on. Mom Cole hugged Anna around the shoulders as she brushed her fingers again and again over the drawing.

"Son, please tell Andy how incredibly grateful we are." Wiping tears from his eyes, Dad Cole gave everyone the official signal. "Bedtime for all, if you want Santa to come."

The excitement was not as pronounced now with everyone experiencing their own connection with the brother they missed and were grieving for.

"Can I take it to bed with me?" Anna asked running her fingers one more time over the boy's face.

"If you're careful with it. You don't want to wrinkle it." Mom Cole pulled the chair out for her daughter and went with the little girls to tuck them in.

I hadn't really seen the original drawing yet. I wandered back into the living room and found it sitting on the back of the piano. At first I couldn't see it. The face was just so different not contorted and strained, but then there it was, in the eyes and the shape of his brow. More features started to stand out, the fullness of his lips, the point of his chin, there he was... there was Micah. This young man stood tall and strong in his white shirt and tie. I could see him passing the sacrament or going home teaching. Andy had captured the nobility of his life without the hardship. It was an interesting point of view because so much of his hardship had been the ennobling force of the people around him. But here he stood, smiling and all the more beautiful because I knew that he was free and able to finally be who he really was.

After final clean ups and present placing Mark took my hand and led me back to our room. He still seemed tense and I knew he was missing Micah and that he'd been holding it together only for the sake of his family. I wondered if a good night's rest was coming for him and if it would do any good.

I opened the closet door to get into my suitcase and saw that we had neglected to put one of the presents under the tree. It was not one that I'd wrapped, the shape was unfamiliar and I picked it up so that I could deliver it before I changed.

"I'll be right back, we forgot this one."

Mark looked up from taking his socks off. "I didn't forget... I just changed my mind."

"What?"

"Go ahead and open it if you want. It's for you."

"But it isn't Christmas yet."

"It's okay, I had a big explanation planned for it, but now I'm thinking that it would be better delivered in private."

I sat next to him on the edge of the bed and carefully tore the silver and blue wrapping paper. Inside was something soft and folded that was a riot of colors and patterns. I pulled it from the rest of the paper and spread out a beautiful quilt not quite large enough for me to use. "I love it. Where did you get it?"

"One of the residents at work has a daughter who quilts. I've always liked the one she made for her mother so I asked her if she could make one for us. It was supposed to be for your hope chest...but I'm not sure anymore...maybe we can use it to brighten up the sofa at home. Anyway, I'm glad you like it." He shrugged and flopped back on the bed, closing his eyes.

I was confused. This was a gift that he'd obviously put a lot of thought into. Why was he treating it so unceremoniously? And what did he mean he wasn't sure anymore? I laid down next to him leaning on one arm and spreading the other across his chest. "Can you try and explain what is bothering you, please. I'm starting to really worry."

He sighed heavily... "I don't know how to tell you. I'm not sure I can say it Megan. I wish I was better at this... I can't believe I screwed up again."

"Mark, you can tell me anything...please."

He chewed on his lip, pulling roughly at the dried skin there. I put my fingers to his mouth to stop him.

"Okay, I guess you will find out soon enough... It's about Christian."

I waited trying to put what I hoped was an encouraging look on my face.

"I think he will be going on a mission."

"That's great...I don't see the problem."

His eyes were glassy and I could tell that it was taking a great deal of effort for him to keep those tears in. "Megan, he was worried about Dad, just like we thought, so I told him... I told him..."

"Mark, just say it."

"I told him not to worry about the family; that I would look after them."

He closed his eyes as if waiting for my response and failing to keep a tear back. I sat there dumbfounded. I was still waiting for him to tell me what was up, but for some reason he wasn't going to. Could he not trust me? Was he treating me like some fragile sick person again?

"Mark, I'm not really the most patient person. I know this is hard for you, but could you get to the point. I'm going crazy here."

He opened his eyes. "Megan, didn't you hear me? I said that I would look after my family. I sold you out. I sold us out... our future, everything."

"Mark, don't be so dramatic. Of course, you would take care of your family. That's what families do."

"But when I married you, I promised to take care of you... that you would be my family. I'm supposed to leave this family." He gestured around the room with his free arm.

"Are we still on that? I told you before that you caring so much about your family is one of the things I love about you. I love them too and families help each other. That's the way it is supposed to be. So stop trying to live up to some ideal that you think you should be. Life is about adjusting, taking opportunities, and above all looking out for each other."

"Megan, I don't think you understand... I think something is seriously wrong with my Dad. What if something happens? Am I supposed to just ask you to drop everything? That can't be right. What about school? What about our children? That quilt was supposed to be for our child, someday."

"Mark, if something did happen, do you know what I would say? I would say, when do we move? I might not even ask. I might just send you on your way and start packing stuff up. It doesn't matter if we are living some dream. What matters is that we are together. I would gladly go with you anywhere, you couldn't really stop me, actually." I planted a firm kiss on his lips before he could protest. "And as far as our children go, we will just have to take it a day at a time, which isn't much different from everybody else out there."

He rolled over onto his side and cuddled me in. "I'm so grateful for you, Megan. And I'm sorry."

"The only thing you have to be sorry for is the crummy way you delivered this wonderful present. If you will consent to putting your original sentiments back into it, I will gladly add it to my hope chest."

He huffed a laugh. "Okay, yeah, sorry about that."

"All settled then. Now, I think you could use some rest so why don't we get the light."
Chapter 8

A week later we're back to work and I was getting ready for a new semester. Mark made a very difficult decision to take a leave of absence from school and just work until he could try for the nursing program again next year. It made the most sense financially, but I could tell that he was still really frustrated with himself for missing the deadline.

I was standing in line to purchase my books when the phone call came. It was Christian this time.

"Hey, Megan... I wasn't sure how to tell Mark so I called you..."

"What's up, Christian?"

"Dad's in the emergency room with chest pains. I don't know how serious it is..."

"Okay, how is Mom holding up?"

"She seems fine, but kind of quiet. I just slipped downstairs to call. I'm not supposed to say anything to the younger kids."

"Christian...don't worry. I'll let Mark know."

It seemed like a funny thing to say. Mark was no superman, yet he was always so good at making things better that even I couldn't help but think he could work miracles. It was unfair of me. He had enough on his shoulders without me placing everyone's happiness on him. I began to picture his face when I had to tell him. Would it be closed off? Would he turn into Super Mark who would be brave for everyone else or would this be the final blow that did him in?

I looked down at my books, suddenly spending an extra five minutes to find the right packet for my section in New Testament didn't seem like such a big deal. I stepped out of line and walked around returning each book. I was going against the flow of traffic and I certainly wasn't paying the best attention. My mind was too wrapped up in what I was going to say and what was going on in an ER hundreds of miles away. I'm sure I said sorry at least 4 times when I bumped into someone. There were dirty looks, I was being rude, I guess when the place was already so crowded. This was another face of love I'd never considered. The stricken, befuddled expression that must be on my face now was as far from a smile as you could get and yet my heart was full. How did I keep it all together for the person I loved more than anyone else in the world?

I waited for Mark to come home, wondering if I should be packing a suitcase then thinking that this time I needed him to decide. I couldn't force his allegiances. He would have to make this decision. I had my own ideas of how it should go, but I'd had my way. This time I would support him no matter what.

He came down the stairs barefoot, his hair mussed and he looked so young. For a moment I thought I could see the boy with braces whose picture hung in the hall of the Cole's home. He broke into a huge smile when he saw me and I tried to return a smile. Mostly, I felt relief seeing him, the kind of relief that makes you breath deeper and let's your shoulders drop, the kind of relief you might feel standing in a hot shower or sitting in a hot tub. Mark was that kind of relief for me and I abandoned my fears while I was inside his arms.

"Megan, I should shower first. It's been a day."

I didn't care that he smelled like sweat and disinfectant. I just needed to feel him next to me, to see him smile before I had to deliver the news that would shake his world. "Mark before you go clean up I have something to tell you."

* * *

He took it well considering. I wouldn't let him call until he'd taken the shower he'd been looking forward to. I expected him to beat his record for fastest shower ever, but he seemed to linger. It was twenty minutes later when he came out of our bedroom dressed, but not for bed. I'd made him some food and he took a bite of the spaghetti while he retrieved his phone from the table.

I was still dressed and wondering if I should pack that suitcase now, but I waited; waited and watched. He didn't call Christian, he went right to his Mom. He asked a lot of technical questions sometimes waiting for several minutes while she asked the nurse for the answers. He asked to speak to his Dad, but he hung up right after.

"Well?"

"They will probably be doing surgery."

"Are we going?"

He looked at me through glassy eyes, squeezed the hand that he'd been holding during the call and said, "Do you mind?"

"Mind? I would have left two hours ago if you'd been home. Eat and I'll pack."

* * *

It was on the road that some very difficult discussions happened. I drove much of the way and let Mark pretend to rest, but there would be little rest for him until he could see for himself how things were really going. Surgery sounded like a good thing to me, at least there was a way to fix the problem, but Mark was less sure.

"What can we do?"

"Well, Mom says he's already had a blessing and the kids are fine at home with Christian and Rebekah. But I think we can still help. For one, someone needs to be at the hospital with Mom."

"What do you want to do?"

"I want to be there already. If he gets the surgery tonight or tomorrow then he could be home within a week. Your semester starts Monday. That means we can stay about 3 days. The worst of it should be over by then."

I thought about my books, about the start of classes, about his work schedule, about all the mundane things that were hardly worth thinking about now. "What about your shifts?"

"I'll have to make some calls to cover them, but I have tomorrow off anyway."

"Mark, what kind of recovery is he looking at?"

"Depends on how things go. It could be a few weeks, it could be months."

"Are you going to be okay? I mean when we go back home and you're only getting phone reports."

"Megan, I'm not that bad. Besides what choice do we have, school starts in 4 days."

"I could take a leave of absence, too. You could work in Idaho and I could find a job."

"Don't think for one minute that I would let you leave school for me."

"Why not? And it isn't just for you, it's for our family."

With a deep sigh he ran his hands through his hair. "Let's just see how things go, okay?"

* * *

The house was far from quiet when we arrived. Anna and Ruth were in full view screaming at each other and pulling a stuffed care bear between them. Caleb was pounding out something on the piano that I didn't recognize, but he seemed oblivious to the chaos in the dining room. I'd heard the house loud before, but never this discontented.

Mark took four long strides to his sisters before they had even registered our presence, plucked the bear easily from their grips and frowned. "Is this the kind of welcome you give your favorite brother?"

"Mark!" they both clung to him, their anger instantly turned to joy.

"Do you want to explain what is going on or just apologize?"

The girl's mumbled sorry to each other and Mark bent down to give them both a big hug. "Caleb, give it a rest already!" he hollered over the aggressive forte of the piano piece.

The music stopped. Caleb wandered over and put an arm around me. "I didn't hear you guys come in."

"Really?" I teased, giving him a gentle elbow to the ribs.

"Where are Rebekah and Christian?"

"Christian had to go to work. Rebekah is around somewhere."

Mark set his siblings to work in the kitchen getting some dinner started. I wondered down the hall suspecting that I would find Rebekah in her room, probably on the phone. I was surprised that she wasn't being more helpful under the circumstances. I knocked on the door and heard a muffled "Go away." I stood there for a minute or two seizing upon my big sister fortitude. This was one of those grey areas. Just how much right did I have to barge in uninvited? I could tell something was wrong, but did that mean I could ignore her privacy?

It took only a minute for me to realize that I was still that big sister. No closed door was an obstacle, not after growing up with 5 kids sharing one bathroom. I knocked again by way of warning. "Rebekah, it's Megan. I'm coming in."

I entered the teenage sanctum, cautiously, expecting that I might get a pillow upside my head or worse, but no such attack came. It took me a minute to find her among all the debris of clothing and school books. She was huddled under a blanket on the floor at the end of her bed. I had no idea what to do, I left the door open hoping that Mark would poke his head in and rescue me.

"Rebekah, are you okay? Are you sick?"

She said nothing just kind of rocked in place. I sat on the bed, put an arm on her shoulder and waited. We sat like that for what seemed like an eternity, me waiting, her rocking and sometimes whimpering. As I'd hoped, Mark stuck his head in the door. "Rebekah, what is going on here? It's nearly 6 and dinner isn't even started. I thought you were supposed to be watching..." His sharp tone trailed off as he took in the situation... "Not again."

He got down on his hands and knees right in front of her and placed a hand on each of her cheeks. "It's not like last time. I'm here, we're all here."

"Broken..."

"No it's not broken. We are not broken. Rebekah, you know this. Our family is forever, we are not broken."

"I broke it..." She began to sob, but Mark refused to let her go, his fingers worked wiping the tears away as soon as they came.

"Megan can you get the door, please."

I got up to get the door, confused and heartsick. This was not the vibrant teenage sister I was used to and yet Mark seemed to know this Rebekah, too. In the time it took me to close the door and return to the bed Mark had scooped his sister up in his arms and was holding her in his lap as if she were five. She continued to sob into his chest. "It's not broken, Rebekah."

"I broke it...should never have...broken...ruined..."

"Shhh... no it's going to be okay. Dad will be okay."

About 15 minutes later there was a hesitant knock on the door. "I've got it." I said excusing myself and taking my leave to help the kids finish dinner. Whatever Rebekah was going through, I couldn't help. I stopped in the hall on my way to the kitchen. That was wrong I could help or at least I could pray and so I said a silent and fervent prayer that my dear sister would be able to have peace.

When dinner was ready the three youngest Coles and I sat down to eat. I wouldn't let Ruth disturb Mark and Rebekah. It was much quieter in the house now. I wasn't sure how much these three knew about their dad or what was going on in the bedroom down the hall so I played it safe. "What gives milk and has one horn?"

Caleb laughed, "A milk truck. That joke is older than me."

"Okay, so what happened when the dog went to the flea circus?"

"That one I don't know."

"He stole the show."

The girls giggled and Caleb did a face palm.

"What time does Christian get home?"

"He should be home pretty soon."

Originally, Mark was just going to check in at home and then go to the hospital. I wondered if he was anxious to find out about his Dad or if he was too consumed with Rebekah to notice the time. We'd been here for nearly two hours and he still hadn't come out of the bedroom yet. I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to go back in there and see if she was better. But I was needed most helping to clear the table and keeping the girls happy. I thought of my dear mother in law who ran this zoo on a regular basis always seeming to keep a beautiful melody of spirit in the home. I wondered how she would feel if she knew that Rebekah was falling apart. She would surely feel torn apart wanting to be in two places as once. I thought of how much loss she'd suffered lately, first the death of Micah and now the loss of the false security we all feel that our spouse will always be there. I know that I couldn't imagine my life without Mark and we have scarcely known each other a year. How must it feel...?

The front door opened and a very tired looking Christian came in the door. I sent the girls off to get a board game that we could play before bedtime and Caleb, sensing that he was off duty now, headed out into the garage workshop. I worried that he wasn't wearing a coat. It would be a good while before the heater in the workshop warmed that large space up. I offered Christian a smile.

"We just cleaned up dinner, but I saved you some on a plate in the fridge."

"Thanks," he looked around before asking, "Any word on Dad?"

"We haven't heard anything. Mark has been tied up with Rebekah since we got here."

"What? Oh, you mean the pregnancy? I can't believe she did that. Glad Mark's handling it. I really don't know what to say to her." He let out what sounded like a frustrated growl.

I was stunned silent and blinking at the front door. Christian didn't notice, he walked on into the kitchen and started to rummage through the refrigerator. When my wits returned I followed. "Christian did you just say that Rebekah is pregnant?"

"Yeah, you didn't know? She told us all, I mean Mom and Dad and Me a couple of nights ago. It's probably what did Dad in."

"Christian," I said sharply, "Don't say that! Rebekah is not responsible for your Dad's..."

The little girls came up the stairs, Ruth carrying not one box, but two. "We couldn't decide." She smiled and her pigtails bounced as she skipped to the table.

After an hour of games with the girls there was still no sign of Mark or Rebekah. I waited on Anna's bed while the girls finished washing up in the bathroom. My feet rested on a layer of dirty clothes so I scooped them up, not wanting Anna to fall. Laundry needed to be done, but it would wait for tomorrow.

"It is, too."

"Is not!"

"Ruth you are such a baby."

"Hey, guys knock it off. What's going on?"

"Anna used my new toothbrush."

"No, I didn't."

"The red one is mine and the pink one is yours."

"Then how come mom put my sticker on it?"

Ruth sat frowning. "I know mom said I could have the red one."

"I don't know about the color, but that one has my sticker."

"It's okay. Your mom just probably forgot she said you could have the red one. You can get the red one next time."

Both girls settled into their beds and I spent a moment tucking their quilt up to their chins. Anna had a fleece blanket she liked to hold next to her face. I picked it up off the floor and handed it to her.

Ruth rolled towards the wall hugging her stuffed rabbit. Anna wasn't ready to sleep yet.

"Megan?"

"Yes?"

"When are Mom and Dad coming home?"

This was difficult to answer without giving away too much. So far the little girls knew that Dad was in the hospital, but they had none of the scarier details. "Mom should be home tomorrow, for a little while at least. Dad had a surgery so it will be a few days before he's all healed."

"What kind of surgery?"

"I don't know exactly what they did, but they were going to fix him all up."

Ruth had rolled back over and was looking at me with concerned eyes. "Is he really going to be alright?"

"I believe so. I'm going to go see him after this. Do you want me to tell him anything?"

"Just give him a big hug and tell him we miss him." Ruth said.

"But only if the hug won't hurt him." Anna added.

"Okay, now go to sleep."

"Megan?"

"You forgot our prayers."

Boy was I rusty. "You're right. Let's say them now and pray for your dad, okay?"

The girls climbed out of their beds and knelt. They each took a turn saying their prayer and I noticed that Anna also prayed for Rebekah. I wondered how much she was aware of and if she was paying closer attention to things in the house than everyone thought.

I tucked them back in, turned the light off and closed the door. Finally, I was free to check on the other happenings in the family. All I could hear was silence as I stood outside Rebekah's door. Did I dare open it? I decided instead to find Christian. He was sitting in the family room helping Caleb with some homework. I'd seen Mark help Christian so much with school work that I'd assumed he struggled in the academic area, but with Caleb he was patient and very clear in his advice. I listened for a few moments before I entered.

"I don't know how long Mark will be. When he comes out, just tell him I went to the hospital."

"Why don't you text him?"

"I'm worried it will be a disruption."

"Kay, got it."

I drove in down the dark country road, grateful that it wasn't icy. I knew the way to the hospital of course, thanks to our visits with Micah before Thanksgiving. So much was happening to this family is such a short amount of time. But then life goes that way sometimes. I remembered how during the time I had my cancer treatments, Dad had to leave the firm that he worked for because it was taking too much of his time. My parents had never made a big deal about it, but I can imagine what a nightmare changing medical insurance must have been. He was unemployed for about a month too. Families could get through times like these, and I knew somehow the Coles would, too.

I couldn't believe that Rebekah was pregnant. How worried and scared she must be. Had she told Mark yet? Did he react like Christian, not knowing how to deal with it? What about my inlaws? Did the surgery go well? Was Dad awake yet? My chest tightened and I tapped the steering wheel impatiently. How was Mom keeping it together with so much going on? My foot pressed down on the accelerator harder, I had to get to the hospital. If I could just see Mark's Mom, I think I could breathe again.

The waiting room was dimly lit and empty as I walked through the front door. I texted Christian for the room number, but without waiting, I rode the elevator up to the patient rooms area. The halls were void of people, but there were carts with linens and medicines occasionally in front of one of the rooms. My phone went off and I began to look for room 216. It was one of those rooms that had a glass wall to the corridor. The curtains were partly drawn, but I could see my family inside. Dad Cole was propped up a little, his eyes shut, and full of more tubes than I'd seem on Micah. Mom Cole was holding his hand and looking up at one of the monitors. I slid the door back and entered. She looked at me and gave me a strained smile.

"Megan, you're here. So you had a safe drive?"

"Yes, we made it just fine. How's Dad?"

"Resting, he's still pretty sedated. The Dr. says things went well."

"That's a relief."

"Where's Mark." She looked around me as if he might be coming behind me.

"He's at the house." I wasn't sure what to tell her. I didn't want to worry her more. But then I realized if it were me, I'd want to know. So I told her all about how Rebekah was when we got there.

She breathed so deeply as if from her toes and patted her husband's hand. "Well, I was wondering if I should check on the kids, I guess that's my answer." She stood, let go of her husband's hand and turned with a smile to me. "Megan dear, would you please stay with him. I'm needed at home. I'll send Mark along soon."

"Sure. Can I do anything?"

"No just be here for him if he wakes up. I don't think he'll really remember this day anyway, but it sounds like Rebekah may never forget it. I'm needed at home more right now." She leaned over on tiptoe and kissed his cheek then headed for the door.

I took up the spot next to the bed as she left. The hand she'd been holding was at least free and clear of needles and tubes. I lifted it gently and rested my own hand, palm up, under his. "Don't worry, Dad. Mark's home and Mom is on her way. Everyone will be taken care of, just rest and get better." This man who was so mountainous and formidable every other day seemed very small and fragile somehow in this bed. I wondered at a man whose heart could actually break. Sure there were probably medical explanations like plaque buildup and the like, but not this man. Nothing could bring him to this low point, if his family were happy and safe. Not this giant of a man, I didn't believe it. It made perfect sense to me that this loving father would suffer like this after the loss of his son, and over the worry for his daughter. But he was still needed to make things right, even I needed him, though my time with him had been short and I knew that Mark needed him more than I could understand. Get well...please.

* * *

It was about 45 minutes later when a very pale Mark slid the door to his father's room open. His eyes flashed to the man in the bed and then to me. He stayed there by the door staring into my eyes and regulating his breathing as if he'd just finished running. "Are you..." I was going to say okay, but that seemed like a dumb question. "Do you want to hold his hand?" I stood up, gently removing my hand from the bed. Mark walked forward and grabbed me. He buried his face deep into my hair and held me so tight that I could barely get my arms free enough to hug him back. "Your Dad is going to be fine, he's just resting. Come on, you know that."

A shudder ran through his body and he squeezed me tighter. "How do they do it?" He finally asked.

"Do what? Care about all of you guys and keep everything running? They just do because they love you and they want the best for you. Also, I've wondered for some time if your mother might have super powers." This won me a small huff of a laugh and a kiss on the cheek. "Is Rebekah alright?"

"I think she's better. She fell asleep just before Mom got home. I hate that it's happening again. She's been out of counseling too long. And then the stress, so much... on everyone."

"She was like this before?"

He nodded. "She came to us this way, barely four and almost completely paralyzed by fear. It took years before she could handle normal problems, let alone big ones, without withdrawing." He loosened his hold on me, but firmly held my hand and pulled me to the seats by the bed. He took up his Dad's hand in a grip as well not like the gentle one I'd used, this one had more desperation in it.

"Do you know what happened to Rebekah before she was adopted?"

"Not everything, Just that she was found next to her dead mother, who had committed suicide."

I didn't know what to say to that. There was so much more going on in the Cole family than I had realized. I found my thoughts echoing Mark's how do they do it? "Have you eaten anything?"

"Rebekah took a little bit of water, but she didn't eat."

"Mark, look at me." He turned with tears in his eyes and seemed to not really be focusing. "Did you eat anything?" He shook his head. "Okay, I'm going to go and get you some food. Stay here with your Dad and I will be right back." He squeezed my hand and then let it go, turning back to stare at the monitor that was beeping quietly.

It had gotten late enough that finding food in the hospital was a bit of a scavenger hunt. After I'd found the closed cafeteria and a vending machine with few healthy prospects I asked at the nurses station. With a kind smile the young aide led me just around the corner from Dad's room to a refrigerator full of food for the families of patients. I chose a sandwich, an apple and a soda, thinking the sugar might help him perk up a bit.

There was a nurse in the room when I got back. "He should start waking up soon. He's been in and out of it all day according to his chart, but when he wakes up now it should be for longer periods of time. Just remember he needs to rest so..."

"I know, no basketball games or arm wrestling." Mark's attempt at humor was just like him. He was trying to make the nurse smile. Just when I think he has reached the end of himself he always manages to put someone else's needs first.

She did smile and added "Yes, that and also don't talk too loud. Try not to stress him out... and of course, no mountain climbing." She removed some used tubing from the bedside table and headed out the door.

I stood next to Mark, food in hand. "Let's trade seats, you can eat and I will hold his hand. My hands are softer anyway."

"That's true." We made the switch and he dutifully ate.

It was another hour before Dad started blinking. I got up and turned the lights down and Mark inched closer to his Dad. "Are you waking up? Hey Dad, it's me. If you wanted to see me you could have just asked. You didn't have to go through all this trouble."

"Mark?"

"Yep, and Megan. We're the night shift. Mom's at home with the kids now."

"Rebekah?"

"Don't worry. Mom's with her." Mark's Dad reached over awkwardly with his other hand and placed it on top of his and Mark's hand. "I know Dad. Don't talk too much right now. Just rest. Everything will wait for you to get better."

"I'll text Mom and let her know you're up," I said.

"Hopefully, she's getting some sleep, but she'll probably sleep better if she knows," said Mark.

"All the kids miss you, Dad. This hug is from Anna and Ruth." I leaned in on the other side of the bed around all the monitors and tubes to give him the gentlest hug he and I had ever shared. "Maybe if you're feeling up to it, some of them can come and see you tomorrow."

Dad nodded and closed his eyes.

"Go ahead and rest Dad, we'll be here."

* * *

Mom was in the next morning early. In her face I could see lines I'd never noticed before and a weariness to her expression that was understandable, but worrisome.

She didn't bother shooing Mark away from the visitor's side of the bed, she just pushed his IV stand out the way a bit and leaned in for a good morning kiss. Dad had been restless most of the night, waking every hour or so, but not for more than a couple of minutes. She looked at him expectantly and she was not disappointed. A moment after the kiss, Dad's eyes opened and she started to try to focus again. She whispered a soft, good morning and kissed him again. In that moment it felt like I could see countless mornings of this ritual. They were practiced and even the discomfort of these sterile surroundings failed to dampen their affection. "So are you finished lazing about?"

A smile spread across Dad's face. "Don't suppose I have much choice, now that you're here."

"Right... here is how we are going to do this. After the doctor makes her morning rounds Mark and Megan will be going back to the house for a nap. I know from far too much recent experience that they spent a lousy night in those chairs. You will be cleaned up as much as is good for you under the circumstances so that you don't frighten the kids. Christian has been tasked with bringing them in after lunch. In the meantime... Mark would you please go and get Rebekah from the waiting area."

At the mention of Rebekah, Dad tried to shift up higher in his bed. "Hand me that remote, will you Megan. Thanks." He checked the tubes and Mom combed down his hair. I helped straighten his blankets and while doing so I covered up some of the catheter tubing that was taped to his leg. His coloring really was improved this morning, much better than it had been on our last visit. "Are you sure she's ready for this? Is she okay?"

"It was a rough night, but I think what she could use most right now is a hug from her dad."

Rebekah and Mark stood in the doorway and I backed into a corner near the curtain to make more room. Mark grabbed my hand and joined me allowing his sister to approach the bed herself. She did so very slowly, looking down at the floor most of the time. I felt so bad for her and couldn't stop thinking of the scene in her room yesterday.

"Peanut, hurry up and give your dad a hug. I haven't seen you for two days."

Rebekah broke at that moment and flung herself into his waiting arms, perhaps a little more enthusiastically than was good for him, but he didn't flinch. I sensed that he wouldn't dare make any sound that cause Rebekah to worry. "That's my girl."

Mark briefly squeezed my hand and I knew what he meant. Together we walked out into the hall, closing the door behind us. He was inclined to lean up against the wall and snooze a bit, but I knew he'd sleep better at the house and he still had a little while before we could go home. I dragged him around the corner and sat him in a padded chair next to a counter that had a small sink and a microwave. The bathroom sized area carried on the color motif from the waiting room down the hall and there were mauve and blue stripes along the wall and the cabinets. I opened the refrigerator, like I owned the place, and began to rummage for something that would perk us up until that promised nap.

We munched away on some crescent and egg sandwiches that must have been made by the kitchen fresh this morning and drank some really sweet, almost too sweet, grape juice. Food always had an energizing effect on Mark. I suspect that his metabolism is as busy as he is. He finish the juice first and then in just a few bites of sandwich he was ready to tackle the day, even though the night had tackled us. Secretly, I envied that energy. I was still wiped from the trip and drained from my part in all the emotions last night. Mark, who'd seemed completely spent last night was now refreshed and almost perky.

"Megan, what do you think needs doing around the house?"

"Laundry, definitely. I think the kids have kept up pretty well with the dishes and things."

"Let's get as much of that done today as we can. I don't want Mom to have to worry about anything on the Sabbath, tomorrow. Our leaving is going to be enough of an upheaval."

"Mark, do you really think we should go? There is still so much going on here and with Rebekah... your parents could use some support... so could all the kids."

"Megan, I can't ask you to do that. You have school on Monday. Besides we have our own life back home." I was unconvinced. He seemed to be reciting some kind of script. I wondered how many times he'd played this conversation out in his head, how many times he'd tried to convince himself that going back was what he really wanted. "Look you are my first priority and I will do what is best for you. When we got married I made a promise to Heavenly Father that I would take care of you."

I smiled, grateful for his devotion, but I was pained that it was costing him something so dear. No matter what he said I knew he longed to stay and make everything better even though he couldn't actually make the problems go away. He did make things better. I'd seen it over and over with his family. My in-laws were the heart and soul of the Cole family, but Mark had a special influence over every member of that family, he was a spark that they rallied around. My smile broadened as I thought of him, this man I adored, and I gave him a tally for his week's total. The smiles had been fewer since Micah had passed, but Mark always seemed to have bigger totals than me.

I stood there unsure of how to reassure him or how to let him know my feelings. Abruptly, I sat down on his lap and he gladly wrapped his arms around me. I leaned my head on his shoulder and I found myself repeating words I said over and over on the bus and in the mirror as I memorized them with the young women in my ward. "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed." I lifted my head to look at Mark and tears were rolling down his cheeks.

"Do you really believe that?"

"Of course, I do and so do you that is why you have had to try to convince yourself otherwise. It won't be forever, but right now, if you agree and they agree I think our place is here."

"And school?"

"I can take a leave of absence and if things stretch out here longer than we expect I can transfer. You already have work here if you want it and that's what you were planning anyway."

He rubbed his eyes, the quick energy seemed to have escaped his body already. "We need to pray about this, I'm so tired right now I don't know if I can think clearly. After that nap we will pray and decide, okay?"

"I love you, Mark."

He placed a hand on the back of my neck and rested my head gently against his shoulder again. "I love you, too."

There was a sense of excitement in the house as the Cole kids got ready for their hospital visit. Anna sat on the sofa in the living room putting her shoes on. I liked watching the way she did everything so deliberately. She was expert by now in tying her shoes and her fingers flew through the movements. When she finished she ran her fingers along the loops testing them for length and sat back with a satisfied sigh. Ruth plopped down next to her for assistance with her own shoes and Anna helped with the tying all the while giving her little sister a lecture about how she needed to learn to do this for herself.

"Double knot them Anna, the loops are too big."

"Okay, but hold still."

"We get to see Daddy!"

"I know, but if you don't hold still we will never get these tied."

I left them to their routine. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Mark had walked straight for the refrigerator when we got back to the house. His body was hid behind the door, his upper half practically inside the fridge. I wasn't surprised that he wanted food. He really hadn't eaten very much at the hospital. He pulled out a few leftovers from the bottom in the back and placed them on the counter. He lifted the lid of one and eyed the spaghetti dubiously. He took an experimental sniff and for some reason it all just seemed too funny to me. I began to laugh and not just any laugh, but a hard doubled over kind. Mark looked at me with a grin and raised eyebrows. From the entry the kids filtered in to see what was so funny. I didn't have an answer, I just kept laughing. After a minute, Mark chuckled and left the food on the counter. He wrapped an arm around me and aimed me towards the bedroom. "I think you need some sleep."

"But you're hungry."

"I'll just tuck you in, then I will eat."

The whole thing seemed silly. I was old enough not to need tucking in, but at the same time the attention felt nice. He closed the door to the room we were staying in and pulled the blankets down. I removed my socks and climbed willingly into the inviting bed. He pulled the covers up to my shoulders, kissed my forehead and whispered softly, "Sweet dreams."

"Don't be too long. You're tired too."

"I'll be right in, just sleep. You won't even miss me." I knew that couldn't be true. I had become accustomed very quickly to sleeping next to Mark. I was always aware of any absence.

* * *

When I woke up a few hours later it was to the telephone in the hall. I stumbled out of bed to answer it before it woke up Mark. The house was quiet except for the insistent ringing. I was surprised that the kids were still at the hospital. That's a long time for children to be in such a strict environment. Maybe Christian needed to be told that it's better for Dad to rest. Should I call him and suggest he bring the kids back?

"Hello?" I was sure my voice sounded sleepy.

"Hi, this is Sister Wheaton. I just wanted to let you know that someone will be bringing in dinner tonight and for the next couple of days."

It had taken a few days, but I guess word got around the ward. "Thank you. We appreciate it."

"Is this Megan?"

"Yes, Mark and I arrived last night."

"Oh, I'm glad you two are here. Your mother in law must be so happy to have your help at a time like this."

"We really haven't done much. The Cole kids know how to keep things going pretty well on their own." I didn't think she needed to know about Rebekah. Word would get out about the pregnancy soon enough, but I doubted that Rebekah's anxiety issues were common knowledge. "We're just happy to be here so that we know what's going on."

"Yes, it can be hard to be far away when a loved one is sick. My Nick was sick on his mission. He needed a hernia operation. I was a wreck. He was fine, of course."

I thanked Sister Wheaton again and hung up. I was debating calling Christian when I heard the front door open. I wandered into the entry surprised to see Caleb alone. "Where is everyone?" I asked looking over his shoulder.

"Rebekah stayed with Dad and Mom. The little girls went to the Espinoza's and Christian has work so he just dropped me off."

"How are you doing?"

"Okay, I guess." He was kicking at the shoe he'd just taken off. "He looked really uncomfortable with all those tubes and stuff."

"I know. But he's getting better every day and soon he'll be home."

"Monday, they think... if some test goes okay tomorrow."

"Is that what the doctor said?"

"Mom, actually. She was talking to a nurse and they were trying to guess."

It was just a guess. I'd been there when the doctor had made rounds and although he ordered a few tests, he hadn't said anything about going home. I feared that the kids might put too much hope in Monday. I'd been around hospitals enough to know it was usually a one step forward one step back kind of process.

"Have you eaten?"

"We ate after we dropped the girls off."

"Okay, well I'm going to find something. I'm starved." I looked again at my sweet brother in law who seemed a little lost just standing there. I threw an arm around his shoulder. "Come keep me company until Mark wakes up. This place is too quiet." His answering smile was one I added to my totals for the week. It brightened up my insides like opening a window on a spring day.

* * *

Mark woke up an hour later still looking tired. I knew we would be talking about things, but I hadn't been anxious. There was just peace in my mind whenever I thought about the decision to move here and I knew Mark would feel that too, as soon as he was rested enough. Mark was usually in tune with the Holy Spirit and I trusted him with this and any other decisions that we needed to make, really.

A new casserole, some kind of enchilada, sat on the counter, still warm, curtesy of Sis. Blum. She'd given me a big hug when she'd dropped it off and I was happy to see her. Usually when we came for visits we saw everyone at church so there was no need to let people know we were in town but it felt good to see some of my old friends outside of meetings. I was especially grateful that there was now something warm and fresh to offer Mark. He hugged me from behind while I tried to free my arms to put the food on a plate for him. His breath tickled the back of my neck and I giggled a little. He stopped and looked at me around my bush of hair.

"No, I'm fine. This is not a repeat of earlier. It just tickles."

"How long have you been up? Where is everyone?"

"Caleb is in his room working on some massive paper. Christian's at work. The little girls are at the Espinoza's for the night, I just packed a bag for them, and Rebekah and your Mom are on their way home. Mom says your dad is sleeping for a few hours and that it would be nice to be home at the same time. I think the plan is for us to go to the hospital in a couple of hours for our shift."

He nodded, "Sounds good. Sounds nice, in fact, kind of like I'm getting a rundown on our kids at the end of a long day. Do you think our lives will ever be as complicated with so many going in so many directions? If so you are really suited to keeping it all straight."

"I think we should talk while you eat. You know in the quiet before everyone gets home."

He sighed, "There's no need. You're right on this one. I prayed before I came out, but we can pray together if you want. I still feel like it isn't fair to you."

"School is important, but right now, do you think I could focus with our family struggling like this. If we're needed, then we're needed."

"We still haven't discussed this with Mom and Dad yet. And what about your parents?"

"I can tell you exactly what they would say...Dad would say 'you're an adult, why are you asking me?' Mom would say, 'Well of course, family always comes first.' They won't be mad at you if that is what you're worried about."

"It isn't them being mad that worries me...I just promised that I would take really good care of you and put you first, but this doesn't feel like I'm living up to that. I can't believe that I am doing this at all let alone so soon after I made that promise."

"You made the decision after you got an answer to prayer, so don't second guess yourself and beat yourself up. I got the same answer so let's just move forward with faith."

He curled me into a tight bear hug. "I'm so grateful for you, Megan."
Chapter 9

The blessings kept flowing and Dad really did make it home late Monday night. The house felt so much more like home with him there. Noise was back to normal levels despite Mom's attempts to keep everyone tiptoeing around the still convalescing patient. Rebekah seemed to be doing better, at least there was no repeat of the outburst I'd witnessed when we first arrived. That had really scared me. Thank goodness that Mark knew how to handle things because I was completely lost. It made me feel two very conflicting things. First, I thought again how lucky I was to have Mark and what a great dad he was going to make. Second, I wondered if I actually had the smarts, the heart, whatever it took to raise children who may have suffered their own horrors. There was more to this adoption thing than I had considered, still I was no quitter. At least I didn't think that I was.

Mom Cole was very distracted with caring for her husband. The kids did pretty good most of the time, but whenever someone needed to find something or needed an argument settled they went straight to their mom no matter how busy she was. I spent Tuesday trying to intervene until I realized that it was just the way it had always been and Mom didn't seem to mind. Mark was busy most of the day making arrangements. He insisted that he could take care of everything. These arrangements involved speaking to the school to secure a leave of absence for me, cleaning out a place in the basement for storing our things, giving notice at work and our apartment, and talking to work locally. I was surprised when he said that he would start next week. How were we possibly going to move and get settled in that time with everything in an upheaval, but when Mark sets his mind to something...

The discussion with Mark's parents had been short. They couldn't hide their happiness at the thought of us being so close, but like Mark they were worried about our schooling, particularly mine since Mark was waiting to reapply to the nursing program. Mark explained that we felt inspired to make the move and my dear father in law put an end to the debate with a few simple words. "Do what the Lord wants you to do, Son. You can always trust Him."

And that was the beginning of a very busy week. Wednesday we set off for Provo. It was a crack of dawn sort of thing that ended with a late night of packing. Thankfully, we'd only been married a few months and didn't have a ton accumulated yet. Thursday morning a moving crew consisting of Andy, and a few of his roommates showed up to help Mark distribute the furniture we were getting rid of. Since our couch and table were second hand store finds, we decided to let them go. When they and the few things I'd marked for giving away had been delivered, we started to carefully pack and repack the back of the pick-up, until we could fit everything that was left in for the trip. I left the tetris like puzzle to the guys while I cleaned the apartment. Our landlord was good enough to let us out of our lease and I wanted to leave the place spotless for the next couple.

There was a melancholy mood to the place as the late afternoon sun filtered in through the windows. This was our first home together and although it wasn't much, we'd been very happy here. It would be hard to leave without even getting to say goodbye to the girls in Young Women's or any of my friends in the ward or at school. At least I could message them on Facebook with a goodbye and keep in touch that way.

Mark dragged me away from my third scrub of the shower wall, insisting that it looked great, better than when we'd moved in. "We need to get to the school so that you can fill out the paperwork."

I sat in the truck and waited as he stopped by our landlord's house to deliver the key. The older man clapped a hand on Mark's shoulder and shook his hand. Mark came back wiping tears. "What was that about?"

"Oh, it's nothing....guy stuff."

"Guy stuff? Really?"

He shrugged and I let it go. I would have the whole six hour drive to interrogate him. Sentimentally, I watch out the window as we passed the grocery store where we finally found the Cajun sauce Mark loved, the intersection where I always stalled the truck, the various bus stops on the way up to campus. Memories were stored everywhere in the landscape like some kind of theme park ride. Mark squeezed my hand before he pulled it away to shift, it was a habit, something that I had come to rely on, just like this dear man next to me. The memories would continue because I was taking my favorite person in the whole world with me. It didn't matter that things were changing, because he was by my side.

Sooner than I expected we were on the road, our life in Provo all neatly wrapped up and stored away until some future date that we didn't know. Things had happened so fast that there were still details to work out. Would we live with the Coles the whole time? Would we find a place of our own? Would I work or just help out at home? Would Mark try apply to nursing school in Idaho or wait for BYU? It was difficult to know what would be required of us. Just what we were doing there was still a mystery, but we knew that it was where we were supposed to be.

* * *

Not surprisingly, the Cole house was a pretty well-oiled machine. It wasn't as if there were small children that needed tending. I helped with laundry and preparing meals. I helped with homework and driving the younger girls to activities. The one thing that I felt completely unable to help with was the growing discomfort of Rebekah as the realities of her pregnancy came in full force. Not having made a long study of it; I'm no authority, but it seemed that she had a really bad case of morning sickness. She was having such a hard time attending classes that she switched to a home based program earlier than the Coles had planned.

Some days I felt a little awkward as I passed the bathroom and could hear her discomfort. I'd been sick like that many times when I was fighting cancer, but this seemed different. I couldn't bring myself to enter and offer assistance. It wasn't that I didn't care, it was just hard to set aside the feelings that I didn't belong. As a mother, Mark's mom had no problem bustling through the door and holding her daughters hair out of the way or laying a cool, wet washcloth on the back of her neck. Once I knew that Rebekah was being taken care of, I never lingered by the door.

Mark's dad was on the mend, but it seemed to be going slower than he liked. I often found him sneaking out of his bedroom, the designated convalescing area, and into the living room. I didn't object, it was good to have him out in the thick of things where he belonged. From his perch on the sofa, he could see all the comings and goings of the family. Sometimes, I would just sit with him and hold his hand. Funny how the man who hugged me and treated me like family from the start would feel more like my family now that he was so weak bear hugs were nearly impossible.

One day as we sat enjoying the rare sight of some birds playing on the snowy branches of the apple trees he squeezed my hand and said, "I know it sounds cliché to say this, but it really was my fault; Rebekah, I mean. If I hadn't been so consumed by my own grief, I might have noticed hers. I might have noticed how serious things were getting with Braydon. If only she could have leaned on us instead of him..."

Tears filled his eyes and I didn't know what to say. I wanted to spout scripture, to talk of agency, to talk of hindsight. But when it came down to it, I knew he didn't want to hear any of that, he knew it already. He just wanted to cry. He wanted to mourn for the loss of her childhood, the suffering she was experiencing and the difficulties ahead of her. So I sat beside him, stroked my thumb along the top of his hand, and watched the birds.

Mark had days like this too, but rare was the moment that I would see them. He kept busy with work until it seemed he would collapse, sleep for an entire day and then get up and do it again. I felt a little lonely because he was gone so much, but more so because I knew he was hiding his true feelings from me. I wanted to reach out to him; help somehow, but I hadn't discovered a way in yet and it was starting to worry me.

It became a regular part of my prayers, that I could find some way to reach Mark. He seemed to get further away with each day. It was all too much at once and despite my outward determination to be of use, I found myself crying into the washing machine as I started a load before dinner or taking the grocery list down two days before the planned shopping trip and heading off to the store, just to be alone.

It was on one of these spontaneous trips that I picked up the seminary scripture mastery cards that Mom always kept in the van. I sat in the parking lot of Walmart bundled up in my coat and gloves. The very first card I picked up was John 14:27. "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

It was as if I'd read it for the first time. There was that word peace again. It seemed that it had been my quest for about a year now. I felt warm, despite the chill in the air and I smiled. Reminded that the giver of that peace was Christ. I felt that receiving that scripture at that time was a manifestation of that peace. It was there, I could feel it all around me and it felt wonderful. There was no situation in my life that couldn't be healed with that peace. I spoke out loud, words of gratitude to a loving God for providing me with the reassurance of His peace. My heart was lifted.

It was Mark's turn now, I decided. We were in this together and I was going to try my best to share that peace and comfort with him...whether he liked it or not. The idea seemed funny to me...dragging Mark to some point of understanding that would help him feel better. He was always the one with the right answers for everything. He's the one that helped me understand. I guess it works that way though, sometimes those who do the lifting need to be lifted too.

It reminded me of a time when I was out spelunking with my classmates. We were making our way out of the cave and came upon a 5 foot wall. I stepped to the side, giving everyone a leg up, but now I was the last one and I realized that I could not pull myself up. The muscles in my arms were just not strong enough and I stood there for a minute feeling really stupid that I'd overextended my abilities. In my polite confidence, I'd put myself in a situation that I couldn't get out of on my own. The cave was quiet. Everyone that had ascended the wall had pushed on towards the cave entrance. I said a quick prayer and finally someone came back to pull me up. I was embarrassed because of my mistake and grateful that I wasn't still stuck in a hole.

I thought of Mark, stuck in a hole...having helped everyone else up. Now he was having his own crisis and there was none around to help him up. The Lord is always there, but I knew from my own experience that it can be almost too easy to ignore that help out of shame and panic. It didn't seem that Mark was having much success accessing that strength at the moment and there he was stuck, waiting and hoping for help he didn't realize he needed until he was too, what? Embarrassed to ask for it? Surely, it wasn't shame. That image of him waiting in that dark hole seemed imprinted on my mind as if the Holy Ghost had placed it there. I knew that place, I'd been there. I knew the loneliness, the darkness, the self-imposed isolation. That's it! That's what was happening. I needed to go back to the hole and help him find his way out.

The sun was setting as I returned. It would be time for dinner soon and there were still preparations that needed to be done. I hurried inside with the small bag of groceries that had been my excuse, and went to the kitchen to get to work. I wasn't the only one with this idea, the kitchen was bustling with activity much like it had been last summer when I stayed with the Coles. It always amazed me how many bodies they could fit into that small space. I stood in the dining room, keys in my hand, stunned for a moment.

My dear family was happily working in a rhythm that I thought had been lost in these difficult times. Anna and Ruth were at the sink. Anna was the best for washing potatoes because she could feel all the dirt. When I washed them I often just did a quick rinse because they looked clean and then later I would usually discover that I'd missed some. Anna was much more thorough than I was. Caleb was mixing something in a bowl as Mom Cole looked over his shoulder or rather around his shoulder, he'd grown a couple of inches in the past few months. One of my jobs when I had a free moment was to take the hems down on his pants. My stitching wasn't as neat as the previous sewer, but it was passable and at least now you couldn't see two inches of his socks.

Even Rebekah who'd been too sick to even think about helping in the kitchen was at the counter nearest me, chopping the potatoes that Ruth brought over one by one as Anna finished. I wasn't quite sure how to get in there and help. I felt a little guilty that I'd been gone so long that they felt the need to start without me. Still it was wonderful to see this scene again. There was even a slight smile on Rebekah's face, something I hadn't seen for a while.

It was Rebekah who noticed me first. Looking up from her chopping, her smile widened, "Oh, Megan. You're back."

This got the attention of the others and I walked further into the kitchen. "Megan, would you go and check on John?" This was followed by a titter of giggles from the younger girls because their mom had said their dad's name. I could remember finding it funny when my parents used their real names, too. "He was napping, but he should be waking up soon."

"Sure," I said backing out of the busy room, but not before catching a save me look from Caleb. I laughed to myself as his mom started in with directions again.

I gently tapped on the door, "Dad, it's Megan." When I didn't get a reply I pushed the door open a little. He was still in bed, breathing much too hard. It worried me. I crossed the room, turned on the bedside lamp without thinking, and watched him squint against the sudden light. "Sorry." He didn't look right. It was hard to tell in the yellow light, but something seemed off in his coloring. Something seemed off in the way he continued to squint and not open his eyes. I reached out, placing a hand on his forehead...fever, for sure. "Dad, are you okay? Can you talk to me?"

After a moment that seemed like an eternity he spoke, "I'm fine...just a bit tired...throats sore."

"Okay, do you want some water, maybe some juice?"

"...just want to sleep."

"Rest, I'll get the light."

I left the door slightly ajar on my way out. I just didn't like the idea of closing him off. I hurried down the hall, distressed that I would have to break up such a happy scene, but Mom needed to know what was going on. The noise level in the kitchen seemed loud compared to the quiet whispers I'd just exchanged. Clearing my throat I said, "Mom, can I talk to you for a minute." There was no use saying it in front of the others and upsetting them. I wished Mark was home, but at the same time I hoped that everything would be better before he got home. He was going to worry anyway, but it would be a lot less if things were already better.

Mom Cole was wiping her hands with a kitchen towel as she followed me into the living room. The noise in the kitchen had stopped. It made things suddenly felt more serious. "What's up Megan?"

"Well..."

"Wait a minute...." She walked swiftly back to the entry way and said sharply, "I think Megan wanted to talk to me." There was a scramble of feet and she turned around with a chuckle. "Go ahead."

"Dad's got a fever. He says his throat hurts and he just wants to sleep."

She looked at my stricken face and patted my shoulder, "Oh, Megan....don't worry so much. He probably just caught something from the kids. Still, I'd better call the doctor. Will you go supervise the rest of dinner, please?

I was reading to the girls when Mark got home that night. He peeked his head in the door and gave me a half smile. I sent him into the kitchen to heat up his dinner then picked up the pace of my reading. The girls noticed that my voice had lost its story telling qualities and complained. "Megan, do it right."

"What? Oh, sorry guys." I considered explaining that I really wanted to be with Mark, but figured at their age it would just be faster to finish the book the way they wanted me to. With the last page done, I closed the book and tucked them in. They'd been through a lot lately to, I realized. I should spend more time with them, chores can always wait. But not tonight....tonight I needed to talk to Mark, to be next to him, and to support him. I closed the girl's door with a goodnight and instantly heard giggles on the other side. They were probably up to something, but it would have to wait.

He sat at the table, all elbows and arms over his dinner, head supported by his free hand. It was such a tired, defeated looking posture. "Hey," I said, placing my hands on his shoulders and kissing his head. "How was work?"

He straightened up a bit, seeming to make the effort just for me. "Hi, sweetheart. Work was fine. Where's Mom? I didn't see the van."

I was hoping we'd have more time to talk before I told him the latest, but no, he was too observant. "She's out getting some antibiotics for Dad. He came down with something." I watched the alarm build on his face, the tightening of the muscles around his eyes and mouth. "It isn't serious. The doctors just want to be cautious." This last part was said to his back as he headed for his parent's bedroom. This wasn't good. He was laboring under too much stress and worry. I'd never seen him like this. I didn't follow him into the room, instead I turned into ours and knelt down by the bed. Because of my experience earlier, I knew what I had to do, but I wasn't sure how to do it. As I prayed a flash of memory came to me. It seemed to linger and from it I got an idea. It wasn't the most practical of ideas, in fact given the temps outside tonight we might both end up with colds, but I was instantly excited and determined.

I doubled layered my clothes, put my shoes on and left a note on the bed for Mark. I knew it might be some time before he found it. He might stay with Dad until Mom got home, but that would just allow me more time to prepare. I just needed the snow shovel and the basketball from the garage.

* * *

The court had seen some use this winter, but after last week's snowfall it hadn't been touched. I began at the end closest to the basket and hurried my way through each pass so that I could finish before he got there and so I could keep warm. I made my way across the court, when I finally finished, I realized the net could use some attention. I held the shovel over my head and knocked at the net and then at the backboard. It of course, dumped right onto my shoulders and made its way down into my neck under the neckline. I shivered for a minute watching steam from my mouth. I'd worked up a sweat shoveling and now that I stopped moving, it was getting cold again. I was not going back inside to wait for Mark. If he met me inside he would talk me out of the whole thing. No, I was counting on his concern for me to get him out there.

The echo of the dribbling basketball seemed to bounce off the crystal clear night air. It seemed like such a lonely place, as if I were the only one for miles. Even the halos from the lighted windows didn't make it all the way to the court. Instead I practiced my shots in a circle of light from a lamp post at midcourt. I heard the van pull in about 15 minutes after I'd finished shoveling. It was another ten or so by the time Mark made his way across the yard calling, "Megan, what are you doing out here? It's freezing."

I didn't say anything, just waited for him to make it all the way to me. When he was standing in the same light I was, I tossed the ball to him. "Let's play," I said. "If I win you will give me a kiss. If you win I will tell you a secret."

Despite his obvious fatigue and worry, he flashed me a brief, brilliant smile. It was the first one from him in nearly two weeks that I had one of his smiles to add to my totals. I hadn't truly realized how much I'd missed his smile until I saw it again. My heart ached for a moment as I considered how odd it was for him not to smile. How had I let it get this bad? His totals had been lower than usual, too. That was another clue that I missed. It was second nature for Mark to make people smile.

While I stood lost in thought he made the first basket. "Come on Megan, I thought you were going to play. I really want that kiss."

I woke up and playfully grabbed the ball away. "Just remember, no letting me win."

"I'll try, but I'm pretty tired so you never know."

The court was still slick in places, but we managed to put in about the half the effort we normally would. In the cold it seemed like a full effort, but I knew if this were a warm spring day, Mark could have won in the first 5 minutes. As it was it took him a good 20 minutes to beat me. After making the final point, he disappointedly tossed the ball towards the hoop again and said, "Best two out of three?"

I laughed. "Why don't we get in out of the cold, we can renegotiate inside."

He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and we headed for the house. It had been good to see his lighter mood, but now I had to get serious again. With wet shoes drying on the entry floor and our bedroom door closed to the movements of the teens in the house, I began our discussion.

"Okay so it's time for my secret. You won fair and square." I took a deep breath and said, "I'm worried about you. You seem to be hurting, but you don't talk to me anymore."

"Megan, there isn't anything you can do. It's my problem, so don't worry. I'm fine."

"Not good enough." I was determined to break through this shell if it took all night. I looked into his weary face and hoped for his sake that it wouldn't. "Mark, I love you, but sometimes as a husband you can be so dense." I'd never spoken to him like this before and his weary face sagged even further. I continued, "Do you really believe that your job is to protect me from everything? I'm not your child Mark, I'm your partner...you know, someone to share the load."

He stared for a moment at me and then sighed. "I didn't realize I was treating you badly. I'm sorry, I'll do better." He then rolled over and bunched his pillow up for sleep.

Great, way to go Megan. What was I going to do now? "Mark, you have never treated me badly since we met. What I am trying to say is that you don't have to shoulder all your burdens alone. I'm here and I want to be part of your life, all of it." I curled up against his back and his shoulders shook a little as he sniffed. Oh, great. I'd made him cry. "Mark please turn and look at me."

After a moment he flipped over and I wiped a stray tear on his face with my thumb. More tears came and maybe it wasn't such a bad thing. Sometimes you just need a good cry. Through his tears he began to speak, "Nothing is right... how am I supposed to do this? My dad...your school...Rebekah... my Mom...too many things all at once. I can't believe I brought you here to do chores when you could be studying. And now you have to watch Rebekah be pregnant... I know how hard that must be for you. I am so sorry, Megan."

He sniffed a bit and I snuggled in closer trying to figure out how to comfort him. We stayed that way for several minutes before I was able to put my thoughts and feelings into coherent words. "Do you remember when I got mad at you about my doctor's appointment?" He sniffed again and nodded his head against mine. "Well, I finally understand how you felt then. This partnership, this eternity that we have entered into together involves a lot more than just family picture moments. Don't you get it, I'm here to look out for you the same way that you were looking out for me. Do you honestly think I would want to be anywhere else right now?"

"But it's my job to protect you and I can't seem to do it right."

"By what standard are you judging? Because the way I see it, you have brought nothing but good things in my life. I am well, happy and I have you to always count on. And I do count on you. I just forgot that you are allowed to have bad times too and I think you forgot that as well. I'm sorry it took me so long to reach out to you. But here's the thing... I have a right and a privilege to be there for you, too. Do you really want to take that away from me, just so that you can live up to some impossible standard of perfect husband you've created in your head?"

"Huh..."

"Mark, it isn't about doing it alone. We aren't supposed to make others journeys perfect, just easier, by walking the path with them. Perfection is Christ's realm and only He can help with that. And if you were to ask him, I bet He would tell you that we are right where we are supposed to be, doing what we need to do. I bet He would also tell you that He loves you and that He doesn't want you to carry this alone."

"But how does that fix all the things that you are going through? I mean, don't you hate being in the same house with Rebekah right now? Didn't you avoid your sister in law when she was pregnant? I wish you didn't have to go through this, just because of me."

"Mark, don't be silly. Do you honestly think I can avoid pregnant women for the rest of my life? In our ward back in Provo, on campus, at the store....they were everywhere Mark... patting their tummies absentmindedly, glowing with that maternal glow. This is something that I have to learn to deal with and honestly, I think I'm strong enough. Sure it's hard, but I'm not without blessings. I know the Lord loves me. I also know how much Rebekah needs us right now and your parents. I'm not going to let a little heartache stop us from helping. Besides, maybe this test is to help me get stronger so that I don't have this problem in the future. Maybe one day, I'll be teaching pregnancy yoga or something." We both laughed and it was good to hear his smile in the dark. I appreciated it even more than the one on the court because this one felt like it might last.

* * *

It was several days later when I was called to the living room for an informal meeting. Those present were Christian, Mom, Dad and myself. "We will be inviting Brayden over tonight. Christian, I want you to take the younger kids out for a while. I've got a shopping list you can take if you can't think of anything better to do."

"Shopping? With all three of them? No thanks. We'll go to the library. Unless, Megan can take them. I'd really like to have a few words with Brayden."

"Megan is needed here and somehow, I don't see your 'words' helping the situation any."

"Is Mark going to be there?"

"I hope so."

"Okay, he'll say what I want to say anyway."

I smiled to myself as I listened to the confidence that Christian had in his big brother. I wondered if he was right. Apparently, we were to be at this awkward meeting, the first since this pregnancy had come out. I couldn't imagine what we were needed for. Well, I couldn't see what I was needed for, Mark would be a wonderful voice of reason...at least he usually was.

Christian left the room and Mom Cole turned to me. "Megan we need you and Mark to be there with us. This has been a very emotional journey and you especially can act as a more impartial member of the group. Mark will be present at John's request, some nonsense about him not being up to snuff and Mark will be his stand in." She began to mimic her husband's voice, "A Father has certain responsibilities. I can't let my current state keep me from acting the authority in this. Mark will know how to handle things."

I'd heard my in laws talk about Brayden in the past couple of weeks. There was no animosity there, except for maybe from Christian. They saw the young man through the eyes of wise parents and seemed able to separate him from the mistakes. The first mistake had been both his and Rebekah's, but since then he'd completely rejected her, running scared. I was impressed that Mom and Dad Cole could see him as the son of God that he was and have compassion for his suffering. I wondered what my own brothers would have done in a similar situation.

After I received my marching orders, I went about helping the girls get ready for school. As I braided their hair, I thought about Kelly. It had been so long since I'd talked to any of my family. I tried to remember when...it was on the move from Provo that I'd called them and told them everything. Mom must be going crazy, hoping for news. I appreciated that she was giving me some space to adjust, but it seemed unfair not to call. In the general quiet that was ushered in as the last of the Coles left for school, I grabbed a basket of clean clothes for folding and my phone.

* * *

That night as we said goodbye to Brayden, Mark headed straight for our bedroom. I thought it was strange that he didn't stick around to talk with his parents. They hadn't seen each other much lately with his work schedule and their early nights. I said goodnight and followed him. When I opened the bedroom door, Mark was pacing. It was pretty impressive considering there was only about a foot or two on either side of the bed. I waited for a break in the path and then dove for the bed to get out of his way. He continued his steps back and forth until I couldn't stand to watch anymore and I broke his concentration. "Okay, so what's up?

"What were they thinking?"

"What your parents? I thought it was a good thing that they got everyone together. Most people wouldn't include the boy in decisions like this."

"Not that, of course they had to work all that out with him, but what was I doing there?"

"I thought you were a nice addition. You love Rebekah and you are an adult in the family, not to mention you aren't as hot under the collar as Christian is about this."

"I wasn't there because I love Rebekah...I was standing in for my dad. What...Why...? How could they think I could take his place? Why would I need to? He was right there. Right there, Megan."

He flopped on the bed and I patted his stomach rhythmically. "Mark, your dad isn't asking you to take his place permanently, he just needs a little help while he's recovering, you know that. That's why we're here."

"We're here to help out, not for me to replace Dad."

"Mark, no one can replace your dad. Relax, it's okay." I continued the patting and he scooted closer burying his face in my hair. I could never figure out why he did that. I would think it would tickle too much, but somehow he felt it comforting. "Don't you see how much your dad trusts you? That has to feel pretty good, right."

"I'm not ready to lose him," he said into my hair almost so faintly I couldn't hear him.

"I know," I sighed.
Chapter 10

Rebekah seemed to be feeling better, now with three months into her pregnancy and it was nice not having to watch her rush to the bathroom every hour. She did spend a lot of time sleeping, but it didn't seem that different for her to be in her room a lot.

Nothing drastic had changed with Mark, but I sensed small improvements. For one thing he smiled more. I also noticed that he spent less time worriedly hovering over his dad and more time laughing with him. I would take any improvement. I wondered if other couples had 1st years like ours. Of course, I knew the answer... some did, others may have smooth sailing, and still others may have it even worse. I stopped and said a prayer for them before I continued with my day.

Christian was moving forward with preparations to put in his mission papers. I got the unique privilege of driving Christian home after his wisdom teeth surgery. After so many viral videos on the subject, I knew what to expect, mostly.

"You're the best," he said through a slobbery smile as I put his seatbelt on for him. I closed his door and allowed myself a good laugh before I got back in, though he was out of it enough that if I did laugh in front of him he probably wouldn't remember.

He moaned a little. "Just hang in there Christian, we'll be home in about 20 minutes."

"Raspberry thickets," he giggled.

"Excuse me?"

"Hair..." he said pointing to me.

"Oh, really? You think it looks like a thicket."

He nodded and then moaned a little.

"I bet you've been waiting to say that ever since we met, haven't you."

"Pretty...pretty...pretty."

It was going to be so much fun teasing him about this later. I put on some music, resisting the urge to interrogate him in his weakened state. He dosed on and off as we drove and I occasionally wiped the spittle from his chin. It was pink, I hoped that was normal. Mom would know, I wouldn't worry about it.

Christian was as big as Mark, so trying to guide his drunken form across the front yard, careful to avoid the icy spots, was quite the trick. I aimed him toward the sofa in the living room, concerned that we wouldn't be able to navigate the stairs safely. He obediently laid down and I ran to get a towel to put under his head because he was still drooling a lot.

I sat and watched him for a while to make sure he wasn't going to fall off the couch or wake up in pain. I felt for my brother in law. I knew this was hard on him. He didn't want to leave the family now with so much going on, but he kept moving forward with his preparations. I knew that he was spending many evenings in his parent's room. I suspected that he was being tutored in all those final things that parents want to get in before a child leaves. My mom had done this to me, too. Even after I'd left, she called me frequently to say things like... "I forgot to tell you, make sure you check your bank statement each month for discrepancies."

I hoped that in all that time with them that he was also remembering that his family was eternal and that even though things were hard right now, they would always be with him. I'd never really thought about the journeys that each of the Cole children had taken to join their family. Hearing Rebekah's story was the first time that I'd really even considered that they hadn't always been a happy part of this family. But I realized now that I was coming into a family that had been striving for years to work through all the heartaches and I was just seeing the results of years of love and hard work.

I looked at Christian, drooling there on the towel and I wondered what his story was. Did he harbor feelings of being abandoned like Rebekah or was he hiding feelings of insecurity behind his normally boisterous personality? I knew that Caleb was especially shy until he got to know you and that Anna sometimes clamored for extra attention. But really those kinds of things happened in my family, too. There wasn't necessarily anything unusual except for maybe what Rebekah had gone through. I was struck by the idea of how Heavenly Father gives us what we need to grow and learn and also what we need to comfort us.

I must have had an especially silly look on my face when Rebekah entered the room. "What are you doing?"

"Just thinking."

"Can I talk to you?"

"Sure, why don't we go into the other room so Christian can sleep?"

* * *

The shadows of the early afternoon were spreading across the family room and it seemed more homey than gloomy. I turned on the gas fireplace and grabbed a knitted throw from the back of the couch as I sat down. "Want to join me?" I offered holding the end of the throw out for her.

"No, thanks. I'm kind of hot actually."

I smiled remembering that as one of those pregnancy things I could kind of relate to because I had occasional hot flashes. The house was so still and quiet now in the time before the other kids got home from school. I liked using this time to study and the family room was one of my favorite places to do it. To ease Mark's discomfort regarding my schooling, I signed up for an independent study class. It was just a basic general Ed, but one I would need for graduation.

I waited for Rebekah to start...when she didn't I asked, "So, what's up? Need help with your school work?"

"No, I was just thinking about how cool it is that you care about us so much. It's more than just you loving Mark too, you take care for us. You really care. I mean, look at how you were watching out for Christian and how you read to the little girls and make dinner and stuff."

"Of course, I care about you. You're my family and have been even before Mark and I were married."

"You really are good for this adoption thing if you can see people as family so easily. It kind of reminds me of my mom and dad."

"You're whole family seems like that to me. Sometimes I wish my brothers and sister and I were as close as you all are."

"I liked your family. They were kind of rowdy like us."

"Well, yeah, we cornered the market on rowdy. But you guys pitch in and help each other more. I like that."

Rebekah sighed and dabbed at her eyes.

"Are you okay? I mean I know you're dealing with a lot right now. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Megan, I'm so confused. Mom and Dad are trying so hard to support me and they said if I want to keep the baby that they will help me. Brayden is so totally out of the picture, not that I ever thought things would work out between us once..." She wiped a few more tears. "I'm not sure I can be a mom yet. You've seen me. You know I'm still dealing with things. I'm just scared that I will mess up and be a terrible mom."

"I think every mom worries about that. But I think you're right to think that things will be harder for you. Anytime I face something hard even something little, just having Mark to help me makes all the difference. It's different from other family, it's like having a partner you can always count on. I don't know much about raising kids, but it looks hard sometimes. I can't imagine doing it without Mark."

"Part of me thinks that it would be better to give the baby up for adoption. I mean look how great it turned out for us...but that idea hurts, too. I don't know how to describe it, but this baby is family to me without even meeting them." She said this while she cradled her tiny belly.

"I know. I'm so sorry that you have such difficult decisions and that you have to work through it all. You can talk to me anytime you want if it will help. I promise to try and listen and not judge."

"Thanks, talking with bishop is like that too, but somethings it's just nice to talk about it to a girl."

"The kids will be home soon. Can I offer you an afternoon snack? I was thinking of making some cinnamon rolls."

"That sounds awesome, all except for having to wait for it to rise."

"Then let's get it started so we can eat them as soon as possible."

* * *

Mark's day off rotated and it was sometimes difficult to make plans. Still part of my responsibilities right now was keeping him relaxed and I wanted him to have fun when he could. Thursday morning came and the first order of business was to let him sleep in. I got up just before the alarm, turned it off and tiptoed out of the room in my pajamas.

I had assumed the task of making breakfast for the girls most mornings while Mom drove Caleb in to school for early morning band practice. Christian was the sort to sleep in and skip breakfast, but I usually made him something I could shove into his hand as he rushed out the door. He was so skinny, I didn't think skipping meals was good for him. Rebecca usually ate later in the morning these days. I set aside pancake batter for her and Mark.

With the music at a lower volume than usual so we didn't wake anyone, I ate pancakes with my favorite pre-teens. Ruth was wiggling so much that she had syrup everywhere. I made a mental note to pour the syrup for her next time and picked up my fork to sing into it along with the song. Giggles erupted from all three of us as we belted out the familiar lyrics. Breakfast was momentarily interrupted by an impromptu dance party. I had two smiles to add to my weekly total and I hoped they wouldn't be the last ones of the day.

Christian rushed upstairs with five minutes to spare and while he put on his shoes I assembled some sort of breakfast sandwich with a folded over cold pancake. He took it from me and managed to make a third of it disappear with the first bite. He gave me a muffled thanks as he headed out the door. The girls were good about getting out to the car while he put his shoes on so that he didn't have to wait. When Christian waited you could see his frustration rising like a thermometer in summer time.

The morning air was cold, but not icy and there were no clouds to hide the sun. It would be a perfect day for what I had planned, but first I went back to bed. Mark was quietly snoring when I entered. I could smell pancakes and syrup on myself in the dark and I wondered if I'd managed to get my clothes all sticky. I slipped out of the offending pjs and climbed quickly into the bed now being heated by the best heater I knew. He snuffled a little as I jostled the bed, but we were pretty used to that by now so it didn't wake him up. Snuggling in without waking him was the trick though. I hadn't worn slippers or socks this morning and my feet were like ice. I so wanted to put them over on his side of the bed, preferably on his warm legs, but I knew that would definitely wake him up. I inched closer, keeping my frozen feet carefully away from his skin, but edging them close enough to absorb the surrounding heat. He woke up enough to wrap an arm around me and snug me in close to him and I surrendered completely to the allure of his warmth. He squealed as my feet touched him.

"Sorry," I whispered, and then because the damage was already done, I took full advantage and wedged my toes between his calves. Ahh, much better.

He only twitched a little and then graciously snuggled me in even tighter. Somehow it felt so married sharing his warmth like this. I could remember my Dad complaining about my mom's cold feet, so this just made me feel even more married. With the house now completely quiet it was almost a trigger for Mark to wake up, like somehow he preferred to sleep to the noise. He started to move more, scooting his body down so that he was more eye level with me. I ignored that he'd maneuvered his shoulder so that it was pulling my hair a bit, somehow it made up for the cold feet and well it was hard for me not to pull it while I was sleeping, too. I'd developed a tough head over the years.

"Good morning," he said, his voice thick with sleep.

I responded by kissing him on the nose.

"So what are we doing today?"

"I have a few ideas, but I'd like to hear yours."

"I'm good with whatever, but we should really buy you some slippers. I can't believe your feet can get that cold."

I giggled and then thought of another idea for our date. "Let's go and get those first. I think we should get some for Rebekah, too. She's up all hours of the night now." Having the bedroom next to the bathroom had its disadvantages it you were a light sleeper. I woke up several times a night to the sound of flushing. "After that, I thought we'd get away and take a drive. Do you remember that camp we went to see? What if we drive up that way? It was really pretty up there."

"Well if we're going that far, I should get moving."

"I'll go make your pancakes."

"Even more reason to get up."

* * *

We were on the road about 45 minutes later and it felt good just to be the two of us without any chance of interruption. The landscape was spotted with the occasional pile of snow. We were in that in between time when you're not really sure if spring is on its way or not. The sun was out, though, and there seemed to be more activity from the birds as we drove along. They were in the process of nest building at least that behavior when they jump down from the branches to the ground, pick something up and just right back up into the trees was going on.

A day like this on campus was always so fun because there were always the students who couldn't wait to ditch their coats and pull out the shorts. Sometimes though, the sunny weather was short lived and they had to manage in those shorts through the rain storm on the way home from class. If I was honest, I missed school. I missed the classes and the people, I even missed the tests. It's kind of funny that I missed it so much when I'm the one who was sure this was the right decision. I still felt that way, but I guess just because it's the right decision doesn't mean it will always be easy.

Mark reached, squeezing my hand. I smiled at him, okay, so it was more like beamed at him. He had that effect on me which of course added to his totals every time. "So what do you want to talk about?"

"Nothing really, I just wanted some time alone with you."

"Really? I was sure this was leading up to some big talk."

"You sound paranoid. I'm not always coming up with heavy discussions, am I?"

He laughed, "Megan, I love you," and moved his hand to muss my hair.

"Hey, I just fixed that."

"Sorry, I forgot. The hair is off limits."

"You seem to forget that a lot," I accused.

"Well, it's just so soft. I like touching it."

We drove along in silence for a while and then, because he brought it up, I couldn't help wondering and thinking about our last heavy conversation. "Are you feeling better?"

"Better how?"

"You know, better about yourself and how awesome you are at being a husband."

He snorted and looked at me with half a smile. "I knew it."

"Oh, don't be so smug," I teased. "It just popped in there. I have no ulterior motives."

"Okay, I'll believe you this time, but only because you waited so long in the trip to say anything."

"You didn't answer the question."

"I don't know, Megan. It's kind of a work in progress, I guess. I still feel really guilty for taking you out of school and bringing you here. I feel helpless to offer any real answers to my family or to you. Somedays I wonder why we are even here. I mean at least you have things you do to help the family out. I'm mostly just working and Dad is getting better all the time, so I don't have much of a purpose."

"I disagree, but even if that were true... do you remember when we went to do sealings at the temple and there were like 6 women there and only 4 men, including the sealer? You were really needed that day, they wouldn't have been able to do sealings without you. I on the other hand felt a little like what you described, not of much use. Things could have gone on fine without me, but then I realized that without me you wouldn't have been there that day. Because we went together, you who were more needed was there and I who had come with you was needed because I was supporting you in your work. It may be now that what the Coles need is household chores and errands run, but you should never underestimate the value of being a support. You are a support to me and to each member of your family, who put up with me helping them because we are a package deal and they know that they can trust you."

"Are you kidding? My family adores you."

"Yes, but in case you haven't noticed, they aren't so good at asking for help. To call you guys close knit would be an understatement."

"You'd be surprised how many meals and things we've received over the years, but you're partly right. Some things we keep pretty private. I think Mom and Dad didn't want to impede our progress by letting others know about our private struggles."

"I was so scared that night we got here and I saw Rebekah."

"Exactly. We've all had moments. Some of us came to this family with more heartbreak than others. Christian and I were the only ones that were adopted as infants and even then we've struggled with identity and frustrations."

"I think you harbor a need to be indispensable and loved. You work so hard at pleasing people. Is that because you were adopted?"

Mark sighed. "It's hard to say. I may just be wired that way, but I do see my parents' trials and how hard they try. I want so much to be a good son for them. That seems to be warring a lot lately with my desire to be a good husband to you, so maybe it's just me and not the adoption thing."

"How do you think our kids will feel?"

"I don't know, but we can count on struggles. All kids have them so there shouldn't be any parent in the world who thinks they can get by without some hardship, but just to be on the safe side we should prepare for more."

"Lucky for me I have an amazing partner to parent with."

"It's easy to complement before the actual performance, you know. I will wait for performance reviews."

We didn't quite make it as far as our first trip north because our sunny day started to spit a little snow at us. Playing it safe we decided to turn around. That put us back in time to help make dinner anyway. Mark wanted to help more and this was an easy way for him to feel useful.

* * *

A week later, I was folding laundry one day on the sofa in the basement family room when I heard a faint sob. It seemed odd to me because Mom and Dad Cole were out at doctor's appointment and Rebekah was sleeping in her room upstairs. I shook my head thinking it must be some mistake, but then I heard it again. I dropped the pair of scrubs I was folding and stood to follow the sound the next time it happened. I didn't have to wait long. As if in rhythm, as happens to so many of us when we are trying to control our crying each breath brought with it a little sound. The cries were coming from the storage room just off the laundry room. I'd been in and out of the laundry room all morning how had I missed this? Sitting in the corner among the rolls of paper towels and toilet paper, with her arms and head on her knees was Ruth.

What was she doing there? She was supposed to be in school. I checked my watch and it was only 9:30. We would be getting a call from the school soon about her absence. "Ruth, what's wrong? Why aren't you at school?" My littlest sister in law sobbed loudly now. I sat down next to her and placed an arm across her shoulder. "Come on, what is it? You can tell me."

"I... I... didn't get my report on butterflies done. Now I'm going to be in big trouble."

"How come you didn't get it done? Didn't you have lots of time?" I remembered her mentioning the assignment at dinner last week.

She sobbed again. I tore open one of the plastic packages that held the toilet paper and pulled a roll out. I offered her some to blow her nose and waited. "Mom was going to help me, but she got busy so she asked Rebekah to do it and Rebekah handed me a book with lots of big words in it that I didn't understand and went back to her room."

"Oh, I think I get it. Would you like me to help you with it now? I bet with some hard work we could get it done in an hour or so and then drive you to school."

"Okay, but I'm still in trouble, huh?"

"We'll see." I hugged her and we went upstairs to get to work. I pulled out the good art supplies and we got online looking for pictures and facts. Before long Ruth was smiling and I was having fun, too. It wasn't until I was driving back from the school that I considered how the Coles seemed to be falling apart. Even with us being here things, and people were slipping through the cracks. How had Christian not even noticed that Ruth wasn't in the car? How come no one had checked up on Ruth's assignment or why hadn't Ruth said something sooner. The answer was kind of obvious when I thought about it. It's like the old adage, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. There were too many squeaky wheels lately and not enough grease to go around. It happens in big families sometimes, we felt it on occasion in our house. The thing is that usually there is enough grease it just doesn't get to all the wheels.

I returned home to find Mom Cole in the kitchen working on dinner and Dad resting on the couch in the living room. I hadn't decided how to handle the Ruth thing yet. They needed to know, of course, but they didn't need more to worry about and I knew these dear parents would worry terribly if they knew some of the kids were feeling left out or lost.

After a quick prayer I decided to approach Dad Cole. "How was the doctor's appointment?"

"Great! He says I'm on the mend. Another month and I should be back to work."

"Wow! That is great news."

"Can't tell you how sick I am of staying home and resting."

"Yeah, I know that gets old real quick."

"That's right, I forgot you've been through this recovery stuff before. Nice to know I will come out of it sane, anyway."

"Well, mostly." I teased. "Hey Dad, I wonder if you would allow me to call a family meeting?"

"Sure, I guess. What's up?"

"I just need to discuss some things with everybody and I think it would work best all together where we can talk."

"How about tonight? I think the calendar is free of events."

"Perfect, the sooner the better." I dropped a kiss on his forehead and then excused myself to prepare. I could feel him looking after me as I walked from the room. He must be so curious, but in classic Dad Cole style he left me to it.
Chapter 11

"Well everyone, we are having this family meeting tonight at Megan's request." Everyone stared at me like I had some kind of disease or something. Even Mark looked taken aback. I smiled realizing the rare privilege I was being given. Apparently, family meetings were usually called my Mom and Dad only. "Let's start with a word of prayer. Caleb would you say that for us, please?"

After the prayer, Dad Cole turned the meeting over to me. I took a deep breath, and scooted to the edge of my seat not really sure where I was going to begin.

"As you know, since Mark and I have moved in I haven't had much school or a job. This has allowed me to be at home and help out. It also gives me a unique perspective on everything that goes on around here and I have some concerns." I waited, watching Mark's eyebrows and his Dad's go up at about the same time. Mom Cole had a knowing sort of smirk on her face.

"Anyway, like I said... I see things that maybe even Mom and Dad don't see because I'm still kind of new here. I wanted to share some of my observations and get your help in finding solutions."

"Sounds like a good idea, continue Megan."

I offered Mom Cole a relieved smile and continued. "Let's face it. This has been a really tough year so far. There is so much going on that it could throw any family for a loop so this is in no way trying to say that we aren't trying, but honestly people, we are messing up." I couldn't believe I just said that to this family who'd suffered and mourned so much. I guess I just expected better from this family that I loved and regarded so highly. I hastened to explain. "I mean sometimes you just get in survival mode and hunker down through hard times and you can forget to come out of that mode. We don't have to just survive anymore and there are things that are being neglected." I paused not knowing where to take this.

"Sounds good so far. I mean not that it's fun to hear, but go on Megan, we're listening." Dad Cole waved an encouraging hand and looked around the room at each of his children.

"Nearly a year ago I sat with this family in meeting as we discussed a much happier event. At that time I was amazed at the amount of thought and compassion that went into including each family member in the process. I was so impressed at the way you all reached out to one another. Well, grief draws you inward. I know this from experience. It can consume you and make you feel as if your hurts are all there is. But it's holding the hurts of others even if just for a short time that can help you work through your own. I guess what I am trying to say is, yes, it's hard and yes we are all hurting... all of us, even the ones who don't show it... let's not forget to hold each other and to help each other. There is enough love in this family to see us through these tough times and more, should it be necessary. That's all, really. I hope you'll forgive my bluntness. I just love you too much to see us all stuck in survival mode where nothing blossoms."

I awkwardly scooted back as deeply into my chair as possible and Mark wrapped an arm around me, squeezing my shoulder.

"Well, guys? What do you think about what Megan said?" Dad Cole waved another imperial hand around the room opening the floor for discussion. It was never a free for all, though, the kids knew they had to take turns. We waited for several minutes before Ruth's little face looked up from her lap. Tear streams stained her face as she spoke, "Mommy, Daddy... I have to tell you something."

* * *

It was about a week later when Mom Cole approached me in the kitchen. I was putting away dishes and she grabbed a towel to help me. "Thank you, Megan. I really appreciate you."

"I don't do much, it's just the stuff I would do at home."

"No, I don't mean that, although I am thankful for your help, I mean for you listening to the Spirit and saying what we needed to hear. I think I may have needed it more than anyone else. It's been an unbelievable nightmare; first Micah, then Rebekah and then John. I never even thought that something could happen to him and I would have to face things alone. I guess I've just been so scared that everything else has disappeared. After your words last week, I realized how out of touch I was. I've been angry at the Lord and that has kept me from having the spirit to guide me through all of this. That's my secret, you know, the only way I have ever managed to raise these children with their different needs and personalities is by the Spirit. Without it, I am lost."

"I don't think you've been that lost. In fact, you seemed to be doing pretty good to me. I guess it's just amplified when everyone is grieving. Sorry, I didn't tell you about Ruth. I didn't want to add to your burden by making you think you'd failed. I just thought we could all do better to notice and care for each other."

"Well, it worked. I've noticed a difference in the kids, too. You know it's been ages since I've seen Caleb playing board games with the girls."

"Even Rebekah seems to be a bit more engaged in the family."

"Well that may have more to do with it being the second trimester. I think she is feeling better. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in my own pain, I might have been able to comfort her and this would have never happened."

"I don't really think it helps anything to place blame. That's just another one Satan's tools for discouraging us."

"Okay, true. Still it can be hard to let stuff like that go. Something to add to my prayers tonight, I guess. How is Mark doing? He doesn't talk to me much anymore now that he has you."

"Is that a complaint?"

She smiled, "Maybe a little one. He used to tell me everything. I'm not sure you know this, but he told me about every encounter the two of you had last year. I think I knew how much he liked you before he did. It was that very first day, in fact. Moms can just tell."

All of a sudden I felt very embarrassed. "I was a real mess last year."

"That's okay, you healed and you grew. That's why you were able to share your wisdom with us last week. See how Heavenly Father works. The wisdom we gain is rarely for us alone. He often will place us in a situation where we can help someone else learn."

"You did that for me last year, too. Do you remember? How when I was so confused about how I could possibly fit into a family you helped me see that the Lord loved me and wanted me and that others could too. I've never thanked you for that, it's overdue. Thank you."

"Oh, I just love having a daughter in law." She said as she squeezed me to her side. "I hope Christian brings home one as great as you."

* * *

Family meetings began a regular schedule again. It was the parents' way of checking in on everyone at least once a week. Assignments for school and church were discussed as well as family members taking the time to express their feelings. I feared I'd started a tradition of griping, but Mom and Dad Cole had a knack for solving things equitably. My mom told me once that if she had to pick the worst parts of being a parent it would be deciding when someone was sick enough to stay home from school and trying to be fair when handling disputes.

We had our normal Sunday night meeting and had just concluded with prayer. Everyone was hugging and saying goodnight to the younger kids who were whining for ice cream. I was heading into the kitchen to get them a small bowl each, when Mark stopped me. "Christian can do that. Rebekah wants to talk with us and Mom and Dad. We took the meeting into the parents' room so that we would not be disturbed. If Rebekah wanted to talk it was probably something serious that the other kids didn't need to hear.

Mark and I took up seats on the floor in front the closet, that way we could be across from the people sitting on the bed. Mom Cole offered the end of the bed to Dad Cole and Rebekah chose to kneel, sort of, in between the two groups.

"First of all, I know I've been difficult the last few months and I'm really sorry."

"Peanut, you don't need to apologize. You know we love you." Dad Cole clapped a big hand gently onto her shoulder.

"I do know that. You have loved me ever since I came here and I know I am really blessed. I've done a lot of thinking and I've decided that when I do become a parent I want to be as wonderful as you guys are, but I'm not ready for that now."

"You've decided then?" Mom Cole moved in closer to her and rested a hand on Rebekah's knee."

"I have. I love this baby, but I can't be a mom yet. After thinking about it, I realized that I could still keep them in the family. Mark, Megan I want you to have this baby."

I sat stunned staring at her elated face. She had given this some thought and wanted us to be the parents of her child. I didn't feel any more prepared to be a mom than she did, except for having Mark by my side whom I was sure would be a wonderful dad. But still to have to live up to the standard that Mark's parents had set all the while having Rebekah looking on. I wasn't sure I could do this. While I sat there trying to absorb, I faintly heard Mark's enthusiastic reply. "Really, that's perfect. We'd love to adopt the baby."

"I know, right? It is perfect. I feel kind of silly for not thinking of it before." Rebekah was still beaming from ear to ear.

"Well, if this is what everyone wants, I say we go for it. It will be nice to keep the little one in the family. Although somehow I feel too young to be a grandpa."

Wow, I was going to be a mother. I'd never dreamed things would happen this quickly and with a newborn even. It was nice to think that the Coles wouldn't have to give up their grandchild and niece or nephew and we were going to be adopting eventually anyway. Maybe it was perfect. I bet a lot of mom's got cold feet the first time they learn they were expecting. Mark hugged me so tight, still excited. We hugged everyone and left so that we could discuss the details. After all we only had another 5 months or so to plan; most people got 9 months.

Mark was so wound up as he paced around our room. "This is it. This is why we were supposed to be here. Isn't it amazing how God works? He can make all of us happy with one simple thing, turning a family struggle into a triumph."

"I just can't believe this is happening. I don't think it has sunk in yet."

"Let's go shopping right now and pick out something for the baby."

"Mark, it's Sunday night."

"Oops, oh yeah. It just seems like a lot has happened today. Okay, so after work tomorrow. It will be our own little family home evening, just you, me and the baby."

"Wouldn't we need to bring Rebekah along for that?" I laughed, his enthusiasm was contagious.

"Oh, well, you know what I mean." He lunged at me playfully and once again I was giggling uncontrollably begging for mercy. I'd never considered tickle attacks to be a side effect of marriage, but being married to Mark had its share.

He finally stopped and we both lay in each other's arms trying to catch our breath there was an abrupt knock on the door. "Can you two keep it down? There are impressionable children out here." It was Caleb and his complaint sent both Mark and I into fits of giggles again.

* * *

News spread around the family quickly, there was really no reason to keep it a secret. The little girls were so excited that their favorite big brother was going to be a daddy. They were even more excited that they were going to be aunts. In a few short days, Rebekah's pregnancy went from something gloomy to something everyone was celebrating. It felt a little weird because nothing much had changed, the baby was still coming as before. I guess up until then, everyone was unsure if the baby would be part of the family so they didn't want to get their hopes up. Rebekah spent more time out of her room, even during the day. She would often follow me around as I did chores and help out. It was as if we'd become best friends over night and although I liked her company, I was still trying to absorb it all.

Mark was telling everyone at work about our little blessing and trying to pick up extra shifts to cover the costs. I felt a little on the outside of things. I wasn't the one carrying the child that he was so excited for. I was just the one going about my business trying to figure it all out, because it still didn't seem real.

I think sensing my mood, Mark was insistent that we spend most of his off time out shopping together away from the house. He thought I was getting burned out on household chores, but shopping for baby stuff didn't seem to help. How could I express what I was feeling without discouraging his excitement? I knew I was just being silly. Of course, someone else would have to give birth to any baby we would have. Someone else would have to be pregnant. Someone else would have to sacrifice. All I had to do was show up and say thank you. It felt empty. I felt empty.

Today it was strollers and bike trailers. I could have kissed the man for all of his devotion to having everything we could possibly need. It just showed what a conscientious provider he was, but I didn't think we needed as much as we were getting. "Isn't there some way we can streamline this process. I mean think about it, any apartment we get in the future is going to be small. Where is all this stuff going to go?"

"You want me to think smaller?"

"Yes, I think that would be a good idea, don't you."

With a twinkle in his eye he walked down a different aisle of the store and pulled a tiny onesie that read "daddy's little girl" off the hook. "Is this small enough for you?"

"Mark," I slapped his shoulder playfully, "you know what I meant. And no you can't have that, we don't even know yet if it's a boy or girl."

"But we will tomorrow."

"Well, then save the shopping for after."

"I can't believe we get to see our little one tomorrow."

"I know, it will be great." I seriously hoped that seeing the baby on ultrasound would make me feel somehow more connected to him or her. I was starting to worry that there was more about me that was broken than just my plumbing.

"Megan, are you okay?"

I had made the mistake of dwelling on that thought a little too long. It must have shown on my face. "I'm just nervous. What if I'm no good at this parent thing?"

"That's silly. You've been parenting my brothers and sisters for three months now. Besides, you're wonderful." He put the onesie back and kissed my cheek. "How about we think just about us for the next couple of hours? Want to go see a movie?"

I sighed, "That would be wonderful."

* * *

It felt so good to snuggle into Mark's arm and watch something kind of mindless and funny. He'd let me choose the movie and I picked it for just those reasons. Everything had been too intense lately and I just needed a good bout of silly. As we sat there, I was reminded of another movie that I'd chosen to help Mark forget. He'd gotten so relaxed, he picked a popcorn fight with Andy during the film. I reached over into our large popcorn, took a handful, opened the collar of his shirt, and dropped it in. He turned to me with his eyes wide open in surprise. I smiled and winked. He swished his cheeks back and forth contemplating his revenge. I leaned over quickly to admonish him. "This is the only theater in town. Don't get us kicked out."

"Okay," he whispered back, "it can wait."

Somehow that sounded more ominous than a quick retaliation.

When we got home, I snuggled back into those arms and tried to sleep. So much would be happening when I woke up. Would it finally be real? Mark must have been having deep thoughts of his own because it was very late before I could hear him snore.

* * *

The next day, the room was incredibly crowded. I thought for sure they were going to ask some of us to leave and I was hoping it would be me, because I was feeling so nervous. Mark held my hand and we stood in the corner up by Rebekah's head. Mom Cole was holding her hand and the ultrasound technician was on the other side of the exam table. I watched the tech pile the clear jelly like goop onto the wand. She warned Rebekah that it would be a little cold. This was it. I was going to see our little baby for the first time. I could feel Mark containing his natural bouncy nature. His calm facade was so easy to see through now. I liked that I knew this about him.

As we looked at the screen through all the hazy fuzz, the technician took measurements. "Everything looks good she said. The baby is measuring right on schedule. Would you like to know the sex?"

Rebekah looked at me and I looked at Mark. "Sure, let's find out all about this little one." He said with a cheery smile that seemed forced to me.

"Will you guys settle down? You're making me more nervous." Rebekah complained.

"Sorry," I said. "It's just that this is all so new."

"Congratulations, it's a girl."

"Really?" Mark said. I was sure he was thinking about that onesie again.

"Yes, it looks pretty definite."

The tech cleaned off Rebekah's belly and left the room.

"Well, that's exciting, a little girl." Mom Cole said helping Rebekah up. It was a bittersweet moment. We were all watching Rebekah who was silent and seemed far away. The ride home was just as quiet. Everyone was processing and I could feel worry setting in. My mind was a jumble of many thoughts, none of which did me any credit. What if Rebekah decides to keep the baby? What if we get the baby and then I can never bond with her because I'm broken somehow? What if Rebekah gives us the baby and then wants her back in a few years when she's married? What if we keep the baby, but Rebekah doesn't like the way we are raising her? What if Mark doesn't think I'm a good mother and he regrets marrying me?

Okay, that last one seemed kind of ridiculous. Mark loved me, I knew that and I knew that wouldn't change. I was just wallowing. What a silly thing to do on such an important day. So it was going to be a daughter. There would be braids to do and late night chats about boys. There would be camping trips and maybe dance class. I had lots to teach her and I knew that Mark would be very dedicated to teaching her, too.

Mark leaned over in the car, just as we were pulling into the driveway and said, "I am so going back for that onesie." I'd called it. I smiled and he gently pinched the end of my nose.

"Stop that." I said a little too loud, but there was no response from the front of the car. Rebekah got out quietly and walked up to the house. Mom Cole turned around with a worried look on her face and then forced a smile.

The next few days were awkward. I decided to focus my energies on Caleb, Anna, and Ruth. Giving Rebekah her space seemed right and Christian was going through his own transitions. As graduation neared and he got ready to put in his mission papers, he was acting more independent, separating himself from the family and from family activities. I was worried at first, but Mark assured me that guys just get like this and it was okay. So while was I giving the oldest two some space, I got a chance to go back to the more simple struggles of life with the youngest.

Anna was experiencing some anxiety because she had a piano recital coming up. So I volunteered to listen as she practiced over and over. It was a pretty song, but after hearing it 10 times in a row I started to nod off. Anna was so focused on her practice that she didn't notice at first until I started to snore. "Megan, did you fall asleep?"

"What? Oh, sorry Anna. It's sounding better. I guess I'm just really tired."

She scooted off the piano bench and walked the 3 steps to the sofa. I took her hand and she sat down next to me. "That's okay, I can take a break. You rest, I'll just snuggle." The Coles liked their cuddle time and even though this little girl had entered the tween years she was still happy to scoot in under an arm and wrap a hug around me. We sat there just breathing until I had to get up and make dinner.

She groaned when I made to stand up. "Sorry, it's time I get dinner started. Want to help?"

"No, I'm going to go play with Ruth."

"I think she's in your room."

"Yeah, she said she was going to play ponies. She told me that I could have the curly tailed one when I was done practicing."

I watched my sister in law steady and orient herself then begin to pick her way across the house to her room. I was always impressed with how easy it seemed for her. In her head must be the most amazing map of the house and the yard. Even places like church and school that she was familiar with she was independent. I wondered how she managed the church hallways though. With so many people stopping to chat and going every which way, sometimes I had trouble getting through.

* * *

Mark was a like a mother hen the week his dad was to start back to work. He spent time talking to his dad alone in the morning before they left for work and at night, too. Who knows how many times he texted him to check up on him during the day. I could understand his concern. Dad Cole still seemed feeble to me, but I knew from experience that when major things happen to your body it can be months before you feel yourself again. In some cases it can even take years. I decided not to confront Mark about his overprotectiveness, his family should be used to it by now. Instead, I was busy trying to figure out how to help Mom Cole. She seemed lost those first few days without her husband around. I watched her wonder into her bedroom and then come right back out again as if she'd forgotten why she was going in there. After one such fruitless jaunt, she sat down at the dining table with a sigh.

"Oh, Megan. I think I'm losing my mind."

"No, it's just an adjustment period. Things will get back to normal soon enough."

"I don't even remember what normal was like."

"Well, whether it's normal or not, life won't wait long for us. We have to keep moving."

"I know, we have graduation coming up for both Caleb and Christian. Anna is getting braces in two weeks and Rebekah has her appointments." She paused a little hesitant, but then finally spoke again. "Megan, have you and Mark considered all the ramifications of this adoption?"

"You think Rebekah may change her mind, don't you?"

"It is a possibility. But even if she goes through with it..." She grabbed a small stack of laundered hand towels and began to fold. "It's just that with all of our adoptions, I've never had to parent in front of the birth parents. I don't know how to describe it. Parenting is hard enough, you spend so much time second guessing yourself, especially when things are rocky. I can't imagine how much harder it would be to know that I was being watched by the birth parents."

"I have thought of that, but Mark is so excited and I can't imagine that anything he does would upset Rebekah. Didn't she choose us because of him?"

"That, I don't know. I think in part she chose you guys because you were the easy solution. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but knowing her like I do... I think she was thinking that this would be less painful for everyone involved, including herself and she could be the hero who made everyone's dreams come true. I don't think she's thought it all through. She has no idea how hard it will be for her to move on with her life knowing that her daughter is right there."

"What can we do?"

"Oh, Megan. I didn't mean to bum you out. Forgive me for talking out of turn. I know you guys will make great parents. Healing takes time and I know with the Savior's help that everything can work out for the best. There is no reason why you shouldn't be excited about the future. Just keep in mind that Rebekah seems very confused right now. Prepare yourself, just in case."

"It's okay, Mom. You haven't told me anything I haven't considered already. You can talk to me if you need to. I'm here." And besides I'm not attached to or excited about the baby anyway. I couldn't add this last part, it just made me sound wrong, unmotherly... broken.
Chapter 12

Spring was officially here and I was enjoying every chance I could get to be outside. Today it was the trampoline with Caleb who could easily send my insides spinning. We were doing a challenge game where we each had to perform a move the other person demonstrated. My moves were easy for a kid who had hundreds of hours more practice than I did. His moves for me however, left me feeling completely uncoordinated and sore. I limped into the house for dinner and excused myself for the rest of the evening. In the quiet of our bedroom, I laid in bed trying to prepare a primary lesson I was teaching on Sunday. It was one of the Sunbeam lessons and it focused on being grateful for flowers and plants. Sometimes I loved the simplicity of the gratitude lessons. How easy it can be to get caught up in life and forget that a flower is a miraculous thing.

I was remembering a walk with my mom as a little girl. My older brother, George, was riding his bike with training wheels in front of us and I was pulling the wagon. It was full of my babies. I had at least seven, each dressed up in anything that could fit them. Some of my babies were teddy bears that could only wear my old dresses and t-shirts. Some of them were wrapped tightly in blankets so that they could nap on our walk. I remembered busying myself with their care and making sure that I picked a dandelion flower for each of them as we walked. I handed a bouquet of the yellow flowers to my mother, too. She bent down and showed me how to blow the fluff off a dandelion stem. She explained that I could make a wish. I picked my own and spit more than blew at the little seeds. I was so disappointed when they didn't all fly away. My mom assured me that my wish was still valid and I made a wish for each of my babies.

The memory was so old but I could see it so clearly. George had gotten frustrated with our slow progress and I had to save the last few wishes for home. Now I wondered what wishes I would make. Surely, I would wish for everyone to be happy. For everyone to be healthy. For this baby?

After recalling my mother's smiling face, I realized how much I missed her. She'd been very patient with the defection of her daughter. Since I'd moved in with Mark's family, I'd only called her a handful of times and each time for not very long. I picked up my phone and found her in my contacts.

"Megan, is everything okay? I was just on my way out the door."

"Yeah, it's good. I was just thinking about you."

"How nice. I have a few minutes. How are the Coles doing?"

"Dad Cole is back at work. Christian is getting ready to start his mission paperwork. Mark's been so busy with work I hardly see him, but he's happy."

"That's wonderful. But you make sure and tell Mark not to work too hard. How are you?"

"Honestly Mom, I don't know. I'm a bit lost at the moment. Whatever, Heavenly Father is planning, He's not telling me."

"Oh, I've been there. That is so frustrating, isn't it?"

"A little," I admitted.

"Well, if it's any help, waiting on the Lord has always turned out better for me than what I had planned for myself. Just keep moving forward doing what you need to do."

"I'm trying. I think I need to do some planning with Mark. Things are changing here so much, I'm not sure what we should be doing."

"Well, I trust Mark and I trust Heavenly Father, so I know you're in good hands. Try to hang in there. I wish I could hug you."

"Me too mom."

Mark walked in while I was setting down the phone. "Sweetheart, are you okay? Everyone says you've been in here since dinner."

"I'm fine, just a little sore and I needed some quiet time."

"Was that your mom?"

"Yeah, she says hi."

"I bet she is so excited about the baby."

"Ah... I haven't told them yet."

"You haven't told your parents? Why?"

"I guess because I'm still processing. It doesn't seem real."

"I know, but it's going to happen, so you should give them some warning." He climbed up on the bed and snugged me into his side.

"Mark, what if Rebekah changes her mind. I would hate to disappoint everyone."

"Rebekah is not going to do that. She doesn't want to be a mother yet, she isn't ready."

"What if I'm not ready?"

"Megan, that is so silly. Of course, you're ready. You are going to be a wonderful mother."

He kissed me and I let the conversation drift to his day at work. Mark was too excited about this adoption. I couldn't disappoint him with my cold feet.

* * *

I think Mark must have talked to Rebekah about our little conversation because a few days later she grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the kitchen and onto the couch in the family room. "Feel this." She said as she placed my hand on her belly. "Wait it will start again soon."

I sat there waiting for the movement that we were both expecting, wondering if it would be this moment that I would start to feel more like a mother.

"Did you feel it?" I shook my head. "Try over here." She moved my hand to her left side and then ever so faintly I did feel something push against my fingertips.

"I felt it that time," I said finding the experience cool, but not life changing.

"Weird, huh?" She smiled at me and I nodded. "I know you're worried that I'll change my mind, but I'm still moving forward with it, so don't be afraid to ask me about how things are going or to feel the baby move. I love you, Megan. I don't want you to worry."

"I love you too, Rebekah. I just want what's best for you and Mark, for all of us."

"Me too. That's why my plan is so great. Oh, there she goes again."

I put my hand back up to feel the little girl, my little girl move. Maybe I was overthinking all of this. I tried picturing Mark holding a little dark haired baby. Given Rebekah's Hispanic origin the baby would probably have a lot of hair when she was born. Mark looked natural with children in his arms. I was sure I would look more like a deer in the headlights.

* * *

Mark's smile totals were falling. I couldn't imagine what was going on, he always made everyone feel good. Maybe he was unhappy about something. I should probably try to figure out what was going on. It felt like ages since we'd really had any time alone together. I realized that I was missing my husband so much that my own smile totals were sinking.

Mark must have been thinking along the same lines as me because he woke me up early one Friday morning, kissed my neck and gave me weird directions to dress warm and in clothes that I didn't mind ruining. I wasn't sure what I was in for... maybe it was payback for that popcorn incident a few weeks back, but if it meant time with Mark I was up for it.

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

"Come on, tell me..." I begged like a little kid.

"Nope."

It felt good to see him smile and I sighed down to my toes letting out some of the pent up nerves I'd been feeling. He lifted my hand to his lips as we drove and I felt giddy.

The drive wasn't far and I recognized the place. We'd come here last year with Christian and a date. "Paintball?"

"Sure, why not?"

"We don't have enough people do we?"

"We'll just change up the game a bit."

"I can't believe this place is open already."

"It's not really. I worked it out with the owner. That's why we had to come so early."

"Well since you've put so much effort into this little activity, let's see what we can do. You don't mind getting skunked do you?"

"If I am to be skunked by you it would be an honor." He said with a gallant bow. "But I think I've got a fighting chance."

A few minutes later we were covered in safety gear and armed. I had hot pink ammunition and Mark had bright yellow. I thought it might be fun after we were done to see how many shots we'd fired. I suspected that Mark would be very careful with his ammo. He tended towards caution, that's one of the reasons why he was so easy to trust. I on the other hand had a take no prisoners approach to games, I'd learned over the years surrounded by brothers.

The improvised rules for our match were these: one flag in an unguarded tower, first to retrieve it and get it back to the start line won. I started in the forest to the right of the flag. It was the same area I'd been shot in before, but I knew my opponent better this time. It was possible that this would be the most boring game ever if we both sat around waiting for the other person to try for the flag, so I decided, like I had last year, to go for it. We'd make one other rule that could make the game extra fun. No one could be shot in the open field if they were just crossing. It seemed like a good idea to cross and come in behind Mark. I would let him get the flag then I would attack. Or I would come up on him in his hiding place.

Not bothering to run, I sauntered across the field coming in under the cover of two especially large cedar trees. I peeked around the trunk of one hoping to get a glimpse of Mark. He was dressed in colors that camouflaged well with the surroundings. I'd chosen a red shirt that was on its way out of my wardrobe. Most of it was covered, but you could still see my sleeves. I bent down, scooped up some of the darker dirt around the trees and rubbed it on my sleeves trying to dim the color. The jester was futile. I was going to stand out like a sore thumb. I would just have to be faster than him.

I crept along from tree to tree, my gun at the ready. He was moving, too. I could hear the sound of the forest floor cracking under his feet and mine. When I was pretty sure that we were in the same area, I caught my breath and peered around the bush I was using for cover. I could see him, though he was mostly covered by a trunk. His gun was aimed at me and I took my aim at him. We both sat there for a few moments, neither of us having a clear shot.

Then he made a major mistake. Mark changed position to the other side of the trunk and when he did, it left more of him exposed. I took my shot, but I missed. He startled and while he was repositioning himself, I moved closer. This time I was behind a tree to the right of him and decided to roll to a nearby log. The only way I could get him was to be almost on top of him. Heart pounding, I waited a few minutes.

Then to break the stalemate the most amazing thing happened. Mark stood, hands in the air.

"I surrender."

"What? There's no surrender. You aren't even shot"

"Take it. Take your shot. Take as many as you want." He still stood there, arms raised, weapon on the ground.

"Mark, of course, I'm not going to shoot you."

"Why not, that's why we're here?"

"What?"

"Oh come on Megan, aren't you mad at me? For weeks now something has been going on and I know you haven't wanted to tell me. So here we are. I thought you could get it out some other way."

"I'm not mad at you."

"Well, you aren't happy with me either."

"Why would you say that? I love being married to you."

"Love and happy aren't always the same thing. I know you love me. But I can tell something's wrong. Go ahead take your shot."

The whole thing was ludicrous. Did he really expect me to shoot him? Fine, one shot and this whole thing would be over. I took my aim, but just before I pulled the trigger I turned the gun to the left, hitting a nearby tree. The paint splattered so artistically on the rough bark that I stared at it for a moment and then I fired again, and again. Within a few minutes my tank was empty and the tree was covered in hot pink. My chest was heaving like I had just run 2 miles. What was it that made me feel so off and then, I started to cry.

Mark closed the 10 feet between us and wrapped me in a hug. "Oh, Megan. Whatever it is, just talk to me."

I was crying too hard to speak, but I wanted to tell him, to finally get it out there. He patted me and waited. Finally, I managed a few broken words... "I... the baby... can't."

He thought he understood and began to reassure me. "Megan, we've talked about this. You are going to be a wonderful mother."

I shook my head spreading the tears across his protected chest. I caught my breath enough to say what I'd needed to say for a long time. "I don't think we should adopt Rebekah's baby."

Mark stopped patting me and pulled away to look at me. "Are you sure? Why?"

"It just doesn't feel right. I have never been able to be happy about it, Mark. I'm sorry. I know how much you want this baby."

Mark let out a slight chuckle and pulled me by the hand over to the log he'd been hiding behind. We sat. "Megan, I am such a total spaz. Why didn't you tell me? When I think about how hard I have tried." He shook his head.

"I'm so sorry Mark. I promise I will try to become more motherly. I just need time."

"No, Megan. You are not the problem. It's all me. I can't believe what a dope I've been."

"Mark, I don't understand."

"I was excited for the baby at first, mostly because it seemed like the perfect solution for everyone, especially you. I wanted so much for you to get to be a mother. I thought that if I could at least make that one thing happen for you then maybe I wasn't such a bad husband after all. But just like you said, I couldn't be happy about it. Something felt wrong, but I ignored it because I wanted this so much for you."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Mark, the man who'd been dragging me down baby aisles at the store for weeks now, didn't want to adopt now either? How had things gotten so out of hand? And what were we going to do about Rebekah and the rest of the Coles?

* * *

On the drive home I felt lighter than I had in a long time. Mark turned up the radio and we sang along. After a couple of songs I turned it down because I was curious about something. "Is this why your smile totals have been going down?"

"Of course."

"Wow did we really screw up not talking this out. I'm sorry that it's affected your work."

"It hasn't, works fine."

"But your smile totals have fallen."

"Megan that's because I earn most of my smiles from you. How do you think I knew something was wrong?"

I liked that. I had no idea that I smiled so much for Mark, but of all the people in the world he was the one I wanted to smile for the most. I promptly gave him some assistance on his total for the week. But then just because it needed to be said... "Mark, next time you suspect I'm mad at you, please don't arm me." He laughed.

Lots of discussion followed about how we would tell everyone. I suspected that Mom Cole would be on our side judging by the conversation we'd had. Dad Cole hadn't weighed in on much lately. I suspected that he was feeling overwhelmed with returning to work and trying to manage his fatigue. But he was usually so supportive that I couldn't imagine him questioning our decision. Rebekah was, of course, the one that we were most worried about. In turning down the adoption, we didn't what to cause her more heartache or pain.

"There are really so many great people out there who want to be parents. It shouldn't be too hard to find someone."

"What are you suggesting, that we go parent shopping for her?" I asked Mark, kind of surprised. "Isn't that something she should do for herself?"

"I'm not suggesting we pick someone, just that we get an idea of the profiles out there so that we can encourage her."

"How do we even go about it?"

"Websites, I think. Don't people just put their profiles on sites like adoption.com?"

So we spent the next couple of weeks researching prospective parents. Once we'd made the decision not to adopt the baby, I felt so much better. Still at the back of my mind was the worry that I might not actually be cut out to be a mother. If I couldn't bond with this baby how could I ever expect to parent?

* * *

Graduation time was quickly approaching and the events calendar was filling up with end of the year concerts and awards ceremonies. I accompanied Mom Cole and Christian to his awards ceremony. He sat next to me playing games on his phone.

"Put that away. You're supposed to be paying attention." I harassed him until he complied. Then I put a sisterly arm around his neck and handed him a mint from my purse. I felt very grown up for a second. My mom always carried mints in her purse for occasions like these. I was worried about Christian probably more than any other Cole at the moment. He'd become so withdrawn and although Mark said that was normal, I couldn't help remembering his reaction to all the family drama in the winter, especially Rebekah's news. There was healing that needed to take place there and I didn't know how to encourage it. I worried that he would leave for his mission with that still on his heart and that he wouldn't be able to get past it. I wanted Christian and Rebekah, who'd never been terribly close, to at least feel good around each other. I knew Christian was still angry and I suspected that he was angry at himself, too.

The ceremony was long, as these types of events tend to be, and boring, again as these types of events tend to be. There were a few exciting moments, at least, when we got to applaud for Christian. He'd received outstanding science and history awards. He said he was really close to getting the outstanding math award as well, but he'd had a late start on the improvement of his grades in that subject. I remembered all the phone calls to Mark with homework questions and wondered how much of these awards or near awards were thanks to his help.

Mom was complementary, but anxious to get back to Dad who was alone with the kids. I didn't think that one night could hurt, but when you've been worrying about someone for a while it is hard to give up the habit. I suggested that we drop Mom off at home and then Christian and I could go out and celebrate. They agreed and soon it was just Christian and me driving down the familiar dark road on the way to the ice cream shop.

I considered several ways to begin what I really wanted to say, but wimped out and instead asked him about his mission preparation.

"I just need to meet with the stake president. He's really busy at work right now so they have me on a list."

"Are you excited? I mean in one month school will be over and you will be waiting for that packet in the mail."

"I'm trying not to think too much about it, because the suspense drives me crazy."

I laughed. "I know the promise that Mark made to you about watching over the family while you're gone and I want you to know that I completely support him in that."

"I know that, Megan. You have already helped lots."

"I've never been on a mission before, but I can imagine how much it will change you. I'm not sure I'm ready to watch my little brother turn into a man."

"I'm already a man. I'm 18 now. You might remember it was just about a month ago. We had a party and everything. I think you made the cake."

"Yes, thank you, I remember. But I'm not talking about age. And before you complain, I'm not talking about maturity either. It's more realizing your dependence on God and being able to follow His will. It comes to the best missionaries as they serve and teach others. I hope that for you."

"I'm working on it."

"I know. I do have a concern though, something that I think could make things much harder for you. Will you let me share with you what it is? You know me, I'm nosy sometimes, but it's because I care."

"Yeah, you and Mark are perfect for each other in that way."

"Hey." I complained.

"Darn, I knew this trip for ice cream must have a catch. Lay it on me, let's get it over with."

"Now wait a minute, the ice cream is because I'm proud of you. The other thing well it's just a good time to bring it up. You're always working or out somewhere, I hardly see you."

"Is that it?"

"No, It's about Rebekah." He sighed, but I continued. "I think that you would be happier if you could forgive her. I'm not sure why you took it so hard, certainly we all wish that she didn't have to find herself in such a difficult position at her young age. But don't you think your anger is a bit over the top?"

"I'm not mad anymore. She just frustrates me. Of all the stupid things to do."

"We all deal with grief in our own way. Rebekah found herself alone and in need of comfort. Things just went too far. Don't you ever make mistakes? Don't you wish that people would look past your mistakes and treat you with compassion? Regardless of all that, the truth is, if you hold onto the anger, that growing up I talked about will be harder to achieve. Just think about it. I know you love Rebekah."

"Yeah, okay. Lecture over?"

"Lecture over."

* * *

We reached a point finally, just 3 weeks before graduation when we needed to tell the family, Rebekah in particular. Things had become a little weird around the house with Rebekah wanting me to feel the baby and me trying to avoid her. It had just never seemed like the right time, but with the second trimester coming to a close and the baby growing visibly, we needed to set things straight.

Mark took the lead and I was grateful. He sent the 3 youngest out to the backyard, promising to make it up to Caleb with a game of one on one later. There weren't too many Saturday afternoons in the Cole house that were so empty of things to do. It was lucky that Mark had this day off so that we could have this much needed talk.

We all gathered in the family room where we could still keep an eye on the kids in the backyard, it was kind of a mom thing. Rebekah sat on the couch facing the fireplace, drumming her fingers on her growing tummy. Mom Cole positioned herself in a chair that faced that sliding glass door and Dad Cole took the loveseat, leaving me to sit next to Rebekah while Mark sat on the hearth. I sincerely hoped that the baby was asleep because under the circumstances I did not want to feel the baby move just now.

"Mom, Dad, Rebekah, we have something we'd like to tell you."

"That was obvious, you called this little meeting and everything."

"Yes, thanks, Rebekah. Megan and I have thought hard and prayed about this. And we're really sorry, but we don't think that we should adopt the baby."

He said it and now that it was out there it rang in my ears. How could it sound so harsh? I looked to Rebekah for any reaction. Her lower lip slid out a bit, but she didn't say anything.

"Are you sure, Son?"

"Yeah, Dad. We thought we could, but it just doesn't feel right."

Mom Cole chimed in, "I think, although it is hard, that you've made a good decision."

"Good decision?" Exclaimed Rebekah, "How can that be a good decision? I thought this was all settled. Now what am I supposed to do?"

"Well, Rebekah we've been looking into that and you'd be surprised at how many great people there are that want to adopt." I offered reaching out to pat her shoulder, but then changing my mind.

"What, you want me to give my baby to some stranger? You guys are ruining everything!" With that she stood up and rushed as fast as she could from the room.

"We were strangers once, kiddo." Dad Cole called after her just before her door slammed.

"We're really sorry. We know that this makes things more complicated for you and harder on Rebekah. If there was any way..."

"I've felt strange about this whole situation since we first decided it. I'm glad you guys are listening to the spirit. It can be really hard to care for a child that you don't feel is really yours. Never adopt without that conviction. It will help you stand firm during the difficult times and believe me, with children, there are always difficult times." Mom Cole reached over and grabbed Mark's hand as she spoke.

"Don't worry about Rebekah. We'll talk to her. This is probably better for her anyway. It will be easier for her to move on."

"Thanks, Dad. But are you sure, you're okay? I mean you aren't having any chest pains or shortness of breath are you?"

"No, son. I'm finer than frog hair." I snickered at his expression, Mark groaned.
Chapter 13

Two days later I was alone with Rebekah. She was still moping, but I couldn't really blame her. I tried to give her words of comfort, but I wasn't sure how she would take them. "Rebekah, I tried, I really did and so did Mark, but this baby needs other parents. I don't think I'm meant to be her mom."

"That makes two of us." She grumbled.

"Would you like to look online with me? There are couples and families on there that are way better than Mark and me."

"Maybe later. Right now I just want to think about it."

"Sure, I understand, or at least I can respect your wishes. Do you want some leftover apple pie?"

"That sounds good, but only if there's ice cream."

"Yuck, together?"

"Sure, haven't you ever heard of pie ala mode?"

"Yes, I just try not to think about it."

In my spare time I found myself spending more and more time on adoption websites. I knew that Rebekah would have to choose for herself, but I couldn't help getting drawn into the stories and the photos. There were so many people out there like me. So many hopes and dreams just waiting for someone else to feel inspired to help. It was kind of humbling to think that one day, if I went through with adoption, then I would have to pass the test. I would have to present myself as someone to be considered, kind of like waiting on the baseline as captains choose team mates. That was never a fun experience. Here I'd been handed an incredible chance that so many of these couples wanted and I'd said no. I was beginning to feel, not like I'd made a mistake, but like I really couldn't tell what Heavenly Father had in store for me. It was uncomfortable to think, too, that maybe it hadn't been Heavenly Father that had said no, but I was right about being broken, unable to connect with any child. I knew that dark thought was not one I should entertain. I'd been in the darkness of my uncertainties before and it was the light of the Savior that brought me out again.

I really needed to believe that I was capable of being a good mom, but doubts are hard to beat. In this one way I am pretty sure that my sister in law had no idea how much I understood her. Rebekah had expressed to me on several occasions that she had concerns with her ability to be a good mother because of things in her past that she struggled with. It seems odd how nature selects some to bare and others to wait to be called upon to bare. Given the two cases I am not sure which would be more difficult, bearing when you know you aren't ready or waiting to bear when being ready is all you can think about. For me, gratefully, I was neither one yet. I could still wish and dream of other things and hope and trust in God's timing.

Mark caught me on the laptop again when he came home from work. "Aren't you getting a bit obsessed with this?" He asked, bending down to kiss me.

"Mmm." I said scrolling through another profile.

"You do realize that Rebekah and Mom and Dad are going to take care of that."

"Yeah, I know. I just get so wrapped up in these stories. Mark, so many times I thought I was alone, that no one could understand me."

He climbed into bed next to me and tucked an arm in behind my shoulders. "There are lots of good people with hidden heartaches, too. These are just the brave ones trying to do something about it."

"I'm not sure I'm ready for all the months or years of hoping someone will pick us."

"Well if there is one thing I've learned from all of this, it's that I will not try to rush the timing. I was trying so hard to give you what I thought you wanted and needed that I ignored everything else, including discussing it with you."

"I know that you were just trying to be a good husband and brother and son. And you are in so many ways. Next time we'll be ready because we will have the confirmation that the child should be part of our family."

"Yes, you, me and the Lord, that's how were doing it next time."

I closed the computer down and set it on the floor next to the bed because there is not a story intriguing enough to keep me from enjoying the company of this man that loves me so much.

* * *

Graduation was long, of course, in the grand tradition of graduations. The middle school commencement was almost as long, but it was held outside so we had the occasional refreshing breeze. The seniors and there extended family and friends were crammed into the auditorium with not a seat left empty. I was holding Ruth on my lap and Mark had Anna. Rebekah was missing, having gotten up at the beginning to use the restroom, I think they'd closed the doors and weren't letting people back in during the ceremony. Christian looked young as he walked across the stage, with his long legged gate and his pimply face. I could believe that he was only 14 if it weren't for the fact that he towered over his teachers and the principle. I found it curious that of the children the Coles had adopted the two oldest had proven to be tall like their dad.

We clapped and cheered probably louder than most of the families when his name was read and he walked across that stage, at least I thought so until the name Frank Zapata was called and the entire back left corner of the audience jumped up cheering. Frank was the sort to strut across the stage and he stopped just before he reached the person handing out diplomas to shoot a half smile and blow a kiss to his adoring fans. There was one in every class, I thought. And isn't it great when a family can so fully support a child.

I thought of Rebekah's little girl and the family that would someday cheer for her at high school graduation. I didn't envy Rebekah's choice. How do you choose so that you can have the result you want in 18 years. It isn't like any of those family profiles say, we will drive this child to little league practice and sit through their games in the pouring rain. We will stay up late on a Tuesday night rushing to finish the science fair project due the next day. We will squirt this child off with a hose when they are covered in mud, instead of scolding and laugh with them as they jump in the puddles. We will invite every known relative to their plays and graduations and we will be the loudest to cheer for their success. Now that would be a profile.

I'd been blessed with a family like that and so had Mark. I had to believe that there were so many more families out there who were facing each day and each challenge if not with joy then at least love.

We gratefully exited the stuffy building and met our graduates on the schools front lawn. Rebekah found us again, confessing that she'd run into a friend from school that she hadn't seen in a while and they got to talking. I was happy for her. She'd been really isolated lately and it was good for her to have a friend. We each took our turns in groups and as individuals taking pictures with the Christian in his robe: first, the parents, then Mark and I, then each of the siblings separately. Christian got hugs from the little girls, gave nuggies to Caleb and stood casually next to Rebekah. I was sad to see that they didn't even hug.

Mark piped up, "Come on you two, put some emotion into it."

Christian sighed and scooted closer into Rebekah. For a moment I thought he would stop there and then giving me a longsuffering and tentative look, he grabbed Rebekah into a hug. It caught her off guard and she stumbled a bit, but he soon righted her. Then like magic, what started as a simple hug turned into one of the patented Cole bear hugs and when Christian whispered something in Rebekah's ear. I wasn't sure what he said, but when they turned for the picture, she was wiping tears from her eyes.

* * *

With graduations out of the way, the Cole family was awaiting two important arrivals: Christian's mission call and Rebekah's baby. The house was buzzing with activity and I was trying to prepare for a long summer full of chuffer duties. I had just 2 days left before the kids would be out of school for the summer and I was rushing to finish a few projects I'd started. Thinking that it might be more difficult with the kids in the house I was working full tilt on Mark's wedding anniversary present. I wasn't really the crafty sort, but I'd gotten the idea from Jackie, to make him a quilt. It had been my secret project, I worked on when no one was around. Now, as long as Mark didn't see it that was good enough for me.

I sat at the dining room table hot rodding through the straight lines, thinking to myself that quilts were actually pretty easy, never mind that I had no idea how to finish it once the top was done. I figured when I got to that point I could ask Mom Cole for help. I peeked at the clock, it was just past 1pm and I was hopeful that I could finish the top before the bus arrived with the kids. I was humming over the sound of the machine and watching intently the stitches so that I could keep everything straight. It was a few minutes before I looked up and saw Rebekah standing there. "Megan, are you busy?"

It was an odd question, obviously I was busy, but I wasn't about to tell her that. It seemed important and I had until August to finish my project. "What's up?"

She absentmindedly patted her growing tummy as she spoke. "I'm ready now. Will you help me?"

For a moment I panicked. Ready how? Was the baby coming? Then seeing the shy smile on her face it clicked. "You want to look at the profiles?"

"Yes, I can't really put it off any longer. This little girl needs parents."

I shut the machine off and stood, placing an arm around her shoulder. "You don't want to do this with Mom and Dad?"

"I kind of want to do it with you, if that's okay. They can get so emotional about all this and I just need a friend. I don't want to disappoint anyone."

"No problem, why don't we use the laptop in my room."

It took the next few hours of reading and looking at pictures. I had to leave for a few minutes when the kids got home just to get them settled and to let them know where I was, then I went back to the profiles with Rebekah. It was after dinner before she was ready to make some decisions. We narrowed it down to three families and she was going to pray about each one and go from there. I was really proud of her thought processes, she was considering all the things I thought I would consider if I were in the same situation. Of course, there are always things that you can never really know and I think that has to be the hardest part. At least we know that when we reach those times, prayer is the best way to go. Rebekah had spent the last few months gaining a closer relationship with her Heavenly Father. I could see it on her face and in the way that she handled herself now that she was healing. I knew that if she kept it up, one day she would be ready to be the mom that she wanted her baby to have.

* * *

Mark listened that night as I told him all about search we'd been on. He snuggled me in close and kissed my nose. "Was that hard for you?"

"No, actually it was pretty great. I am so excited for whichever family is chosen."

"You don't have any regrets?"

"No, I know this is right? Do you?"

"No, except for when I think about holding her."

"Yeah, babies are kind of tempting that way. Do you think it will ever be the right time for us?"

"Definitely!" he hugged me closer.

I hoped he was right. I hoped that I had it in me to be a mom, mostly so that he could be a dad, because Mark was going to make one amazing dad.

* * *

Two days later, Rebekah had her answer. Mom and Dad Cole took over at that point, helping with the paperwork and contacting the necessary people. I helped out by running Caleb to drivers ed. and the girls to swimming. Christian was trying to get in all the work he could and I thought it was better that he was keeping busy instead of just waiting around for a big envelope in the mail. Every day when I went out to the mailbox I could feel the anticipation arise and then disappointment when it was just the usual stuff. I couldn't imagine how much Christian must be waiting.

Finally, the waiting was over and I held the envelope in my hand trying to decide what to do with it. I placed it back in the mailbox and walked away. Christian would be home around 6pm from work and I would send him out for it then. I let Mom Cole know that his call had arrived, but didn't tell anyone else. We thought it would be so much more fun if Christian got to surprise them.

That night as we all gathered in the family room, Christian opened it up. I thought it was especially nice of him to wait until after 9, when Mark got home from work. "Hurry and open it."

"I'm getting there. Do you guys remember how Mark made us wait forever before he read his?"

The family groaned in the shared memory and Mark smirked. "So, here's your chance to be better than me bro. don't keep us waiting."

"Elder Cole you are hereby called to serve..."

"Wow! Mexico City. Christian, you get to see where I was born." Rebekah called out in her excitement. "I want pictures."

"So wait a minute." Dad Cole piped in, "Does that mean the MTC in Mexico, too? I was hoping to drop you off in Provo like we did Mark."

"When do you report?"

"July 21st."

"That will be here before we know it. We have some work to do." Mom Cole said pulling out a notebook.

* * *

A week later, I was laying on the trampoline watching clouds and wishing that Mark were beside me. That was the one thing about moving here that I regretted the most, I missed time with my husband. He was working insane hours, saving up. I was pretty sure that when he was done this year we would have enough to finish school and probably even adopt.

"Megan, can I get a hand here?" Dad Cole called from the garage which doubled as his woodworking shop.

"Sure." I said, jumping up. I didn't get much of a chance to visit the woodshop these days. With school out, the kids were in there with their dad whenever they could be. I loved the smell of the lumber. It was so awesome that Dad Cole was feeling well enough to tinker in the shop again. He was almost back to his old self. "What can I do?" I asked as I walked inside, breathing deeply.

"I need a few things from town and I thought you could come with me."

"Sure, just let me tell the girls where I'm going." Mom was out shopping with Christian. They had gone to Boise for the day.

Rebekah was sitting a lot more these days and so to fill the time she was reading out loud to the little girls. Apparently, it was a family tradition to have the Enchanted Forest Series by Patricia Wrede read to you when you were about 9 or 10. Things had been so crazy in the past year that both the girls had missed out on the tradition. Rebekah insisted that she could make time for it and so Mom Cole had handed the treasured books over to her.

"Hey, guys. I'm going into town with Dad for a while. We'll have our cells if you need anything." (This last bit was because we were all becoming nervous about when Rebekah would go into labor, even though she had over a month left.)

"Okay, have fun." Rebekah barely paused in the story. Anna and Ruth were mesmerized. I hadn't had the pleasure of reading the books yet, but I was next in line to read them. Mark insisted that we would need to carry on the tradition so I imagined I would be eventually be reading them several times.

* * *

Dad Cole drove with his right arm over the back of my seat and let the fingers of his left hand tap the steering wheel as he drove. After months of seeing him tired and grey it was so good to see life in him again. "So what are your plans?"

"Plans?" I asked a little confused.

"Well, you know, school and all."

"Oh, we haven't really talked about it yet. I mean there's still the farewell and the baby."

"Megan, I've wanted to tell you something for a long time and I hope that you don't mind because I'm pretty sure I'm going to botch it up something fierce."

I smiled, "Go ahead, I can take it."

"I guess the best place to start is by saying thank you. It's meant so much to me to have you and Mark here these last few months."

"We've been glad to do it. Can you imagine what Mark might have been like if he were miles away while all this was going on? I'm just glad you're doing better."

"About that...like I said, I really appreciate you guys, especially all that you've done to help the family and Mom, but sweetheart, it's time to start thinking about you again. You can't keep putting your life on hold for us. We're going to be just fine."

"I know you will. Honestly, we just haven't had time to think about it yet. I'll make sure we take the time this weekend."

"There's something else I wanted to say and this is where I'm worried I'll offend you so hang in there with me please." I nodded and he continued. "I wanted to thank you for being brave. You always imagine what your children's lives will be like, how they'll grow, who they'll marry, but I never imagined that Mark would find someone to match him so well. The more I get to know you the more I can see how truly kind and brave you are."

"I don't think brave describes me very well."

"You're wrong. I've been married to a wonderful woman for 26 years and I'm not sure, as wonderful as she is, that she could have done what you did in giving up Rebekah's baby. Thank you for realizing that we all needed to follow another path. I can see know how hard it would have been for Rebekah to let go and move on if her little girl were around, not that she won't have a hard time, but I think it will be easier this way."

"I'm not sure bravery has anything to do with it. Honestly, I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a mother. I could never get excited about it." I felt like I was admitting my deepest, darkest secret. My father in law was far too good at making people feel at ease.

He laughed. I sat puzzled for a moment not really sure how to take that. "Is that what you think? Well, I guess it is to be expected that you aren't perfect, no one is." I frowned, still not finding it funny. Of all the things to not be perfect in, this one had some serious repercussions for the rest of my life. "You're overthinking it. Megan, you are already a mother. It is very much a part of who you are, just like it has always been a part of who Rachel is even when we didn't have children. You just haven't found your children yet, but when you do, I promise, you will know."

It was such a nice thing to hear, I hoped he could be right. I wiped a tear from my eye turning to look out the window so he wouldn't see. "Hey, wait a minute this isn't the lumber yard."

"Never said I needed lumber."

"But ice cream? Dad I can't let you eat that, Mark will kill me."

"Oh please, your husband wouldn't hurt a fly. But just to be on the safe side, we're not going to tell him."

* * *

I was sitting in the living room pondering all that I still had to do. I thought getting everyone moving in the same direction last summer was something. I never considered what would be involved with everyone moving in different directions. Mark was coming home in just about an hour and I still needed to talk to him about what direction our family would be moving in. It was difficult to sit in this room and not think of Micah. This was the first place I'd met him, and the drawing that Andy had made of him hung on the wall above the piano. I wondered how much Micah saw of the family now or if that was even allowed. I wondered if he missed us or if he was too busy being happy that he was free of his mortal trials.

I sat there not feeling sad really, just a bit melancholy when Anna entered the room. "Megan is that you?"

"Yes, I'm here. Come have a seat."

She sat next to me and then scooted herself closer. The little girls were such cuddlers. "What are you doing?"

"Waiting for Mark and looking at Micah."

She hung her head a little. "Oh, I miss Micah so much. He was the only one that I could just be still with. Ruth is always running around and Caleb plays those games with such awful noises. I liked just being quiet and still with Micah. Kind of like we are now."

I'd never considered before that being still could be one of Micah's talents. "I miss the way Mark would sing to him and how he would smile in his own way."

"I miss how we always got to hear stories when you read them to him."

I smiled, "The house really does seem different without him."

"Different and lonely, sometimes."

I hugged her closer. "So are you going to miss Christian, too? He'll be leaving in just a few short weeks."

Anna shrugged. "I guess so, but I'm also thinking that there will be more ice cream when he's gone."

I laughed, "He does tend to eat a lot doesn't he?"

"Now that Daddy is better are you and Mark going to leave, too?"

"I don't know." I cuddled her for a few more minutes until I saw headlights in the driveway. "I think Mark is home. You should go get ready for bed."

"Okay, thanks for being still with me Megan."

"Anytime." I added her smile to my totals for the week.

* * *

I was doing the 15th load of laundry for the week when my phone rang. I let the ringtone play out trying to get the last of the load into the dryer. When my hands were free I answered, not bothering to check the caller ID.

"Megan, I have the most wonderful news."

"Awesome Mom, what's up?"

"I finally got a call from my friend, you know the one who trains the dogs. She has a puppy that has almost completed his training."

"Really? But isn't the waiting list a mile long?"

"They've had a bumper crop of pups this year, apparently, and because she's new at training she doesn't really have a list yet."

"Mom, you're amazing. I can't wait to tell them."

"There's a catch though, Anna would need to come for a week to complete the training with her dog."

"What week? Like now?"

"Yes, this coming week. They could stay with us. I know it's a lot with Christian and Rebekah, but it might me be a long time before the next opportunity."

"Okay, I will let them know and we will see what they want to do. However it works out, thanks Mom."

Mark was the first person I told because I knew he'd be very excited and because I knew he could figure things out. "Do you remember what I had you ask your mom and dad about this winter?"

"Not really, that was a while ago."

"About the dog for Anna..."

"No way! Do they have one?" I nodded yes and he hugged me excitedly, crushing me against his dirty scrubs.

"What happened to let me change before you hug me?" I asked smirking at him.

"Oh, sorry. I guess I just got carried away."

"There's a catch though."

The next morning bright and early the Coles sat in family counsel in the family/war room. There was a big whiteboard with a calendar on it for the next month, each child's activities represented in a different color. Rebekah's doctor's appointments were happening twice a month now. Christian was working mostly with an occasional speaking assignment or night out with the missionaries. Caleb was preparing for scout camp the first week in July. Ruth and Anna were both participating in the libraries summer reading program. Mark and Dad Cole's work schedules were up there too. I felt like I was really busy for not having anything marked on the calendar, but a dental checkup.

The final decision surprised me because I felt like the nerve center of the home should be the last one going away for a week, but it made sense in a way. Mom Cole would be taking Anna to Arizona. My job would be to deal with the chaos left in her absence. Everyone else was to help out by being on time, not going into labor, and doing their chores.

I was a little jealous that Anna and Mom Cole would be staying with my family. I hadn't seen them for almost a year. Mark squeezed me in and whispered as if he knew what I was thinking, "See how much you are trusted. Don't worry, we will visit Arizona at the end of July. I've been planning for it after the baby is born."

"You want to visit Arizona in July? Are you crazy?"

"What we did it before. Just think of all that awesome family time in the air conditioning."

Everyone was looking at our little exchange and laughing. "Okay, if you're sure."

Two days later we put Anna and Mom Cole on a plane and I geared up for a whirlwind week.
Chapter 14

It was Sunday morning and I was just starting to stir awake when I felt Mark nuzzle next to me. I smiled enjoying the way it felt to have his breath gently tickle the back of my neck. He'd been working so hard lately that we hadn't had much cuddle time. I backed myself into him and he wrapped his arm tightly around me. I knew that we really needed to talk about our future plans just like his dad had said, but I didn't want to disturb this perfect moment. Before long I heard a snore and I laughed to myself to think how exciting my company must be. Truthfully, I knew he was just really that tired. He hadn't eased up on his shifts and I needed to talk to him about that, too. I was grateful to have such a hardworking man who cared so much for his family, but I worried that he was losing his sense of balance. I laid there thinking over ways that I could approach the subject. I had nothing better to do, his arm now heavy in his sleep had me pinned in place.

When I had walked through it in my mind to the point where I thought I might go crazy, I wiggled under his arm until I was facing him. His face didn't look like a resting child's as is so often the case in movies and books. He looked exhausted. I began to kiss each line and freckle until I left his arm pull me closer. His eyes opened sleepily and he smiled. That smile, though sleepy was added to my totals for the week. If only I could earn all my smiles this way.

An hour or so later is was really time to get out of bed, because I could hear the house come alive with people getting ready for church. Sunday mornings were far from serene, the bathroom was a bit like grand central station. This was the only day of the week with a shower schedule and I was due for mine. I gave Mark one last kiss and he let me go. Although he stayed in bed, I knew he'd be up and dressed before I made it back from the bathroom. He was one of those scheduled for a Saturday night shower so that hot water could be conserved. Sunday mornings were his day to help with breakfast, at least that's how he saw it.

* * *

It was after church before Mark and I really had a chance to talk. I grabbed his hand as we got out of the van and walked him towards the road. He didn't object, instead winding his fingers more naturally with mine he seemed to pull me along.

"We haven't taken this walk in a while." He grinned.

I knew he was remembering his confession to me and I smiled too. He was good at making me smile. He was good at making everyone smile. "Yeah, I like this walk, we should take it more often."

He stopped and kissed me, hugging me close until Christian's car passed. Christian and Caleb couldn't resist a few cat calls and whistles as they drove by, dust cloud trailing. I hid my face against Mark's chest until the dust settled.

He grabbed my hand again and we continued down the road. "So, what's on your mind?"

"Well your dad really wants us to make some plans for the future and I think it's about time, too."

"Okay, what do you want to do?"

"Um...." In all my thinking about this subject I'd neglected to really think about this. Mark's plans were always what I envisioned and my speculating hadn't really taken me to my plans. "I'm not really sure. What do you want to do?"

"Megan, I don't think this is one of those times when we should be shy about our wishes. There are too many factors here to consider. We really need to counsel together and make a decision, then we can pray to confirm we are doing the right thing. I wish we'd done that with the adoption stuff and I've regretted it ever since. Please counsel with me."

He squeezed my hand. "Mark, you shouldn't feel bad about that. It sounded like such a good idea and I know you were just trying to make me happy. Really, you need to let it go. I have."

"Okay, so what do we do? Let's brainstorm that way we can get all the possibilities out there." He said objectively.

"All the possibilities?" I asked. He nodded. "Let's move to Honduras."

"What?" I laughed and he corrected himself, "Okay, maybe not all the possibilities, Mrs. Cole." He ran his finger playfully down my nose.

"School again. Staying here..." I offered.

"Staying here and going to school nearby." He added. "Or living nearby and going to school."

We had reached the tree where last year we'd sat together. Mark pulled me over and plopped us down. I briefly worried about my skirt, but then figured it was worth it. I laid my head on his shoulder and traced lines in the palms of his hand. "Is that all?"

"I think so. You came up with some I hadn't even considered, brainstorming was a good idea."

"So how do we decide?"

"Well since we came to help your family, I think we need to determine if that need has passed completely or just partially. I mean could we really feel comfortable going back to Provo now?"

* * *

After our discussion we walked back towards the house. Mark held his arm tight around my shoulders and I tried to walk without bumping him with my hip. It was a bit awkward, but I liked how close he held me. Our decision left my mind whirling with things to do and I was trying to set them aside for the day. Today was a day of rest and I needed to wait until tomorrow before I began my search for apartments and contacted the school. Besides we still needed to pray about it to be sure. It seemed odd to be leaving and yet going back to Provo was natural too, like this had just been a small detour in our plans. I didn't like that though, this had been more than a detour. It had changed us so much. I felt like we were closer now to what we really wanted, as if we understood ourselves better.

We wouldn't have to say goodbye immediately. We had most of the summer left so we would see Christian off at the airport, be there for Rebekah's baby, and in just a few days we were going to meet the newest member of the family, Anna's companion dog, Daisy. We were still needed and we would be able to stay long enough to help before school started. It all seemed like it would work out perfectly.

* * *

Caleb and Ruth were so excited, as we made our way to the airport to pick up Mom Cole and Anna. I was pretty sure it had little to do with their family members and everything to do with Daisy. I couldn't really blame them, a new dog was exciting. Anna walked forward confidently, holding Daisy's leash in one hand and her Mom's elbow in the other. Mom looked a little pink in the face, but a little sunburn was to be expected from Arizona in June.

On the way home I filled her in on all the week's happenings. It was a sort of a torch passing without the ceremony. Mom Cole was back in the driver's seat of the Cole household and although she started to look less relaxed than she had coming off the plane, but she seemed happy and at home.

We had less than 2 weeks before we'd be returning to the airport to see Christian off. I couldn't believe how fast the time was going. He spent the last week before he left doing a day out with each of his siblings. He actually looked more tired at the end of these excursions that he had with work and school. The day he took Rebekah out was the longest. I was curious where they were going and he had to promise mom and dad that he wouldn't take her too far away. Everyone was jumpy that labor could start at any moment. Mark had me carry my cell phone around in my pocket that whole day while he was at work just in case Christian needed to get ahold of someone. I know Mark wished that he could carry his phone with him. When they returned I tried not to pry, but I was dying to know what they had done. Rebekah was quiet, but there was an underlying excitement. Lucky for me, the Coles weren't the sort of family not to ask questions. We had barely sat down to dinner when just about everyone asked what they had done. At first Christian said it was just between them, but when that was met with groans Rebekah laughed and said, "Go ahead and tell them. You know they aren't going to let it go."

"Nope, they can just be curious."

"Oh come on Christian. Tell us" Now the younger kids were intent on finding out and all the eating had stopped.

"Kids just eat." Dad Cole said, "They don't have to tell. You better not have taken her to the water park like you did Caleb, though."

"No, Dad. I'm not totally irresponsible, there were no amusement park rides or heights involved."

"Too bad, I would love to hit a roller coaster or two." Rebekah looked down at her rather large tummy, "Well maybe in a month or so." When she saw the pouty faces of Anna and Ruth she added. "It's no big deal guys, we just toured a couple of college campuses in the area. Christian thinks I should look into engineering."

Mom Cole smiled and I was once again surprised and impressed by my brother in law. He was really starting to care for people in a very thoughtful way.

The next morning I woke up to begin the usual routine of breakfast and chores. The first order of the day was to get Mark up. He'd been working five 12 hour shifts for the past few months and which meant that getting him up in the morning was not always easy. I opted for a gentle approach, nuzzling into his side and kissing his neck and face. He immediately wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in closer, all while continuing to sleep. "Mark, you need to get up." He moaned. "I know, this is your last day this week then you have 2 days off. You can do it." He snuggled closer and kissed me back. "You know you don't have to work the 5 days. We're doing fine. Why don't you just go back to 4 days a week for the rest of the summer?"

"Tempting. But they are really shorthanded now. If I'm going to get up, you need to stop making it so pleasant here in bed. I'm already feeling weak."

"Okay, I'm going, but don't go back to sleep."

I got up, dressed and made my way to the kitchen. My breakfast cooking skills had improved and I was no longer offering just cold toast. A semester with the Coles had expanded my cooking repertoire quite a bit. I was in the middle of hash browns when I felt a hug from behind. Oh good, you're up," I said to Mark. I turned around to find it wasn't Mark, but Christian.

"So sis what do you want to do today?"

"Me?"

"Of course, you. Don't tell me you thought I wouldn't save a day for you? I'm your brother now and you're stuck with me. And that means I expect you to write every week."

"Oh, I see, this is a bribe so that I'll write to you on your mission."

"Something like that. Hurry up and get ready. We'll leave as soon as Mark does."

"As soon as Mark does what? Are you taking my wife somewhere?" Mark walked into the kitchen, his hair still dripping from the shower.

"Well it's her day, someone has to spend time with her, you're always working." I slapped Christian in the shoulder for saying that and Mark pouted a bit.

"Don't listen to him. He's just jealous that I get all your attention when you're home."

"So where are you going to take her?"

"I don't know. I figured she'd have it all planned. You know how she is, but she was dumb enough to think I wasn't going to have a day with her."

"Hey!" I protested.

I handed Mark his breakfast, dropped a kiss on his cheek as he sat down at the table and then hurried off to put on my shoes.

By the time Mark was ready to leave, I'd managed to pack a picnic, find some old guide books for Idaho and Utah and gather sunscreen, insect repellant and a first aid kit. Mark and I took a few moments to have couple prayer before he left. I walked him out to the car. "I wish I could go with you."

"I wish you could, too. I guess you and Christian will be hanging out tomorrow. I'm only letting him get away with that because he's leaving soon."

"Maybe you can come so we can still be together."

"I think if Christian wanted to spend time with us together he wouldn't be taking me out today. No, I'm sure he wants you all to himself tomorrow."

One more kiss and he was gone. I turned back to see Christian loading his car with all the supplies. He popped on his sunglasses and called me back down the driveway with a friendly wave. "Let's go, sis. Time's a wastin."

"I should let Mom know, before we go."

"She knows. I talked to her last night."

We settled on a mountain meadow hike that wasn't too far away. The wildflowers were in full bloom and it was in the mid 80's. Christian was good company and when we weren't talking about family and other interests, he had me quiz him on his scripture mastery from seminary. I was seriously out of practice but it was better than quizzing him on Spanish.

With the sun bright overhead we chose a shady spot under a clump of aspen trees and I laid out the picnic. Christian was quiet while he ate and I sensed a little tension. Finally, after about 10 minutes of this, I couldn't take anymore. "Spill it." I said.

"What?"

"Whatever you are thinking that has you so quiet."

He laughed, "Gee sis, do you have a guilty concience or something? There's nothing wrong with silence."

"Maybe not, but I can tell something's up with you."

He sighed. "Yeah, I guess there is, but I don't think I could put it into words very well."

"Try, I'll listen while you ramble."

"Ah, thanks." He said sarcastically.

It was a few more minutes before he spoke again, but when he did it was like a flood gate had opened. "I'm scared... I mean I'm excited and everything, but I'm scared, too. I don't know that I can measure up. You know the men in this family. I could never do as well as Dad and Mark. Even Micah has me beat, he was so perfect he went home early. I'm just the family screw up. Did you know my mom was on drugs while she was pregnant with me? What if I'm more like her and whoever my dad is than I'm like a Cole? What if I mess up?"

He wasn't really looking at me as he spoke, just staring off, at what I don't know. "Christian, so what if you are more like your bio parents than like the Coles? Your parents were still Heavenly Father's children and they had amazing gifts given to them, too. Just because they made mistakes doesn't mean they aren't worth being related to. And if for some reason they were really all bad, then somewhere in that family tree are the makings of all the good things about you. You don't have to be like Mark or like your dad because you have your own strengths. And you can believe me when I tell you that there is a lot of Cole in you, too. So, here you are with all the talents of Christian and all the blessings of being a Cole. I'd say you are more than stocked up on what you will need. That is, of course, if you remember that whatever you lack you can lean on Jesus Christ and he will supply."

"I guess so, but it's still scary."

"I would be worried about you if you weren't scared. This is a really big deal. But maybe since you and Micah are serving at the same time, you here and him in heaven, maybe you can give each other strength."

"Huh, never thought of that before. I guess he is probably serving where he is."

"Of course, he is and I bet he's doing it with his biggest Micah smile, too." Christian smiled at that and I knew he was thinking of Micah's smile. I really couldn't take credit for this one. I sent a tally mark to heaven for Micah.

The walk back was a bit quiet, but it was a good quiet, not so tense. I was happy to have spent the day with Christian. I forgot how nice it was to get away from the house for a while on something more than an errand.

* * *

The weekend passed quickly and before we knew it we were at the airport again saying our goodbyes. Mark took the day off work and he was the last one to hug his little brother as we sent him through security. They were the same height now expect that Mark still had an inch of hair on top of that. Standing right next to them, I heard Mark's parting words whispered in Christian's ear. "Don't worry, work hard. The Lord and I are going to be watching out for them."

And that was it. I couldn't believe he was gone. It reminded me of sending George on his mission. I thought of Drew and Matt, thinking how in just a year they would possibly be doing the same thing. It wouldn't affect me as much as George's departure had, but I was sure Kelly would feel it strongly, especially since she would be the last child left in the home. I promised myself that I'd be better at keeping in touch with her. I'd been so involved in my new family that the family I'd grown up in was almost an afterthought. Yes, I needed to work on this a lot.

There was no point in waiting around for the plane to leave, we wouldn't be able to see it anyway, so the family made their way to the van. There was a bit of a shuffle as Ruth insisted on sitting next to Anna because that way she would be by Daisy. The new dog had caused quite a stir among the younger kids. Mark and Christian had spent Saturday afternoon rearranging the girl's beds so that they were together. This way Daisy could sleep in between them. Anna spent the rest of the day figuring out how to move around with the new arrangements, but she'd always been pretty clever with that sort of thing.

The van didn't head for home immediately. Dad Cole ceased the opportunity to take everyone out to lunch. He chose an actual sit down restaurant that no one in the family had ever been to before. It was chosen for its family and service dog friendly environment. There was a beautiful little porch area off to the side with arbors covered in vines. We requested seating in that area so that we could enjoy the beautiful weather and fresh air. The smells of freshly made tortillas and spicy meats wafted through the air and it made me homesick for Arizona. It had been a long time since I'd had really good Mexican food. We gathered around the long table, our numbers now diminished by two and dove into the proffered chips and salsa.

Mark eyed his father with concern, but his Dad merely sipped his water and savored only a couple of chips. Getting everyone's order took some time and as we waited for our food there was a joyful feeling in the air. Mom Cole leaned against her husband's arm and sighed contently. I couldn't even imagine her feelings as she sent her son away. Did it feel good to see him succeed and be out on his own or was there loss in knowing that their relationship would change forever? I had no concept of these things and maybe I never would, I still wasn't sure that I had mother instincts in me.

Mark leaned over and whispered, "What's wrong? Your face just went all funny."

"Don't know really. I guess I'm just trying to take it all in. Do you think there will ever be a day like this for us?"

"Most definitely. It won't be exactly like this, but it will be perfectly suited for us."

He hugged an arm around me and I smiled. No wonder his totals were always higher than mine. He had the gift of saying just the right thing.

Naps seemed to be on the agenda for many of us when we reached home. Our full tummies and the hour long car ride left us all sleepy. Still Anna and Ruth weren't quite to the age where naps were cool again. The girls played with Daisy in the backyard while the rest of us took to our beds. It was a rare treat to get to cuddle with Mark in the middle of the day. I snuggled my back up to him and he wrapped his arm around me tight.

When we woke up the sun was coming in the window at an odd angle. It must be late afternoon and time to think about making dinner. Food didn't sound very good because I still felt full, but if we didn't eat dinner everyone would be very hungry by bedtime. I got up and walked out to the kitchen. Mom Cole must have had the same thoughts as me because she was already digging around in the refrigerator, placing items on the counter as she went.

"Oh good Megan, can you go get me some things from the basement?"

"Sure."

She rattled off a list and I was off. I passed the boy's room which was now exclusively Caleb's and heard music playing, maybe not as loud as you would expect from a teenage boy.

"What ya doing?"

"Christian already packed up his stuff, but I keep finding things of his lying around. I figured I better clean this place up."

He tossed a sock onto a growing pile just outside the door. Christian, like Mark, wasn't the most tidy. Caleb, possibly because he'd roomed with Micah for so long, was very neat. I had no doubt the room would be up to his standards shortly.

After dinner Mark and I decided to take off for some alone time. With him working so much, I'd missed our little dates. We weren't sure what we wanted to do. Eating was out, we were both still stuffed. Mark drove in kind of a meandering way stopping finally in a shopping center parking lot. He took my hand and we headed into a Shopko for a look around.

It was fun on occasion to evaluate our tastes in various things like dishes and home décor. Most of our stuff was second hand or given to us from our wedding, but it was still fun to look. Mark liked the traditional round plates with simple geometric designs or stripes. I was partial to the squarish plates, though I liked the geometric designs, too. One time we'd gone to a furniture store. I fell in love with an overstuffed, gingham patterned blue and white sofa. Mark fell in love with a more formal, solid colored sofa across from it. A salesman wondered over and asked if he could help. I explained that I really liked the one sofa and Mark the other. The salesman looked at the sofas and then at us. "Good luck" was all he said as he walked off. We both burst out laughing and had to leave the store because we couldn't stop.

It felt so wonderful to be walking hand in hand with someone who loved me so much. I felt incredibly blessed just to be next to him. I was looking forward now to going back to school and having an adjustment in his work schedule that might allow for more time together.

We'd only made it up and down 3 aisles when Mark's phone rang. He answered in his friendly way and then his face went serious. "We'll be right home. Give us 15 minutes."

"What's wrong?" I asked as he hung up.

"Rebekah has indigestion."

I let out a relieved breath. "Oh, is that all?"

"Megan, a lot of women mistake early labor for indigestion."

"Rebekah's in labor?"

"They aren't sure. But they want us home just in case."

* * *

It was three in the morning when Rebekah's indigestion was confirmed by her water breaking. She was in labor. She and her parents headed off to the hospital while Mark and I held down the fort. Originally, when we were going to adopt the baby, we were going to go to the hospital too, but now the need was for us to be at home.

We told the kids about all the excitement the next morning, but it was a long wait before we heard any good news. Mark reluctantly went to work, promising to call on his breaks for news. He made it through the day and was back home with us before word came at 9:45pm that the baby had arrived. Rebekah was doing well, the baby's new parents were thrilled, and Mom and Dad were tired, but pleased.

It had been a long day waiting at home. It was emotionally exhausting to field the curious questions all day of my siblings while not being about to satisfy my own curiosity. I'd only been able manage keeping my calls to every couple of hours throughout the day. I think Mark must be rubbing off on me.

* * *

Mark flopped down next to me on the couch in the living room. "I hope Rebekah is okay."

"They said she was fine, though I'm sure she will be tired for a while."

"No, I mean that she's okay about giving up the baby. I don't think I could do it."

"Rebekah has been very brave these past few months. I'm sure that the Lord is helping her and it has to be a great comfort to see how happy the new parents are."

"I guess, but still, I couldn't do it."

"Why don't we say a prayer for her?" He looked at me kind of funny.... So I added, "I mean another prayer for her."

Few things compare with kneeling next to my dear sweetheart in prayer. I am so grateful that we can petition the Lord together. It is just one more thing that makes me feel close to him.

The next day Rebekah was home and resting. I didn't really want to leave her all alone in her room to rest, but I didn't know what to say to her either. Finally, I knocked on her door with a prayer in my heart that even if I messed up bad and said something wrong that she would understand my intentions and my heart.

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

"Well, lighter I guess."

"Have you gotten any sleep?"

"Too much. It feels like I might go crazy laying here."

"Do you want to try a little walk down the street? We can take it slow."

"Sure, just let me get ready."

"Do you need any help?

"No, I've got it."

We walked along the road in the late afternoon sun. This time of year the trees were at their fullest and I loved stepping into a puddle of shade as we walked underneath them.

"I'm okay, you know."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I'm not sure why, but I really feel happy for that little girl. She's going to have a mom and dad that love her as much as I do and as much as I'm loved by mine."

"She sounds really lucky."

"They gave me a cool letter telling me how grateful they were and saying that they would send me pictures if I want."

"Do you want?"

"Yes, but I don't want to get in the way."

"Well I'm no expert, but since I may one day be in the same position, I think I would want my child to know just how loved they were. You are a part of her and she is going to wonder about you. At least she has the happy story that she was loved."

"Do you want to see her?"

"Yeah, do you have a picture?"

Rebekah pulled a photo from her pocket and handed it to me. It was of a pink little baby with lots of dark fuzzy hair. The baby was too small to see a resemblance, but I didn't doubt that she would look like Rebekah.

"They say newborn photos never look very good, but I think she's pretty."

"She's beautiful."

* * *

Summer continued much more quietly and finally it was time for Mark and me to think about packing up. I wasn't sure how to say goodbye to my family that I had laughed and cried with so much in the last few months. Mark seemed almost eager to move on. Now that he had a spot in the nursing program he was looking forward to getting done with school and starting our family.

I was happy to be going back to the classroom, too. Even the Cole kids were anxious for the summer to be over. Rebekah was going to be a senior and she couldn't wait to go back. Caleb was starting high school and Anna would be taking Daisy to school with her. Ruth was the last hold out in elementary school and I didn't really want her to grow up. In my mind there should always be happy chaos in the Cole household. It was hard to believe that they might one day all be gone like Christian.

In the final week before we left I tried to do what Christian had done and spend a day with each of the kids. Caleb and I had just finished a massive banana split when I got a call from my dad. Now calls from Mom were to be expected. She tried to keep in touch at least once a week, but Dad rarely called unless there was something very specific on his mind.

"Hey Dad, what's up?"

"Well I have a bit of information for you and Mark. When can I talk to both of you? Skype would be better."

"He should be home about 7:30 tonight."

"Great, I will call then."

"Dad?"

"Don't worry. Everything is fine. It's nothing bad."

* * *

At 7:28 that night Mark and I sat on our bed with his laptop balanced on his knees. "Okay, he's calling. Here it goes." Mark answered the call and at that time neither one of us knew how much that call would change our lives.

"You kids don't have a home study yet do you?"

"Not yet, why?

"Well you need to get one as soon as you get into your new place."

"Dad, what's going on?"

"I have a client whose niece has decided to terminate her pregnancy because they expect several severe birth defects. I've spoken with her and she has agreed to carry the baby if you two would adopt him."

I was floored and so overwhelmed with feelings of warmth. This felt incredible and I couldn't believe how much every part of me wanted to say yes to this idea. I looked at Mark with wonder and saw that he was feeling something, too.

"Hey, Dad. Megan and I need to talk about this for just a minute can we call you back with our answer."

"Sure, of course, you need to think about it and pray too. Take your time. Call me later."

The call ended and Mark grabbed my hand. Both of us had tears in our eyes, mine had spilled over. "Mark this feels totally different, it feels like this little boy is supposed to be ours."

"I know, Megan are you sure?"

"I am, but let's ask Heavenly Father."

A few moments later there was nothing to do, but call Dad back with the news.

"Great, I knew this would be right for you. And don't worry about a thing; we will help you any way we can with the medical end of things. I have a good friend that will handle the adoption. You have 4 months until the little guy arrives. That's not much time, but we'll be ready."

"Thank you so much, Dad."

"I didn't do much, Heavenly Father arranged this one. I just listened."

A moment later there was a commotion on the other end of the phone. "Megan, is it true? Am I going to be a grandmother again?"

"If everything goes well."

"Oh, it will. I know it will."

Mark wanted to tell his family as soon as we hung up. So we called a family meeting of sorts in the usual place, the family room. Mark was so antsy I thought he was going to blurt it out before everyone was there. The last to arrive were Anna and Ruth who had taken Daisy outside for some exercise. "What's going on? Something good, I hope. Are we going on another vacation?"

"No, sorry Ruth, no vacation this time. But Megan and I wanted you all to hear our news."

* * *

Mom Cole wasted no time. The next morning we were out shopping for baby clothes and blankets and strollers. "We can't get too much now. The truck will be packed pretty tight as it is."

"Let's at least look at what you want and see what's available. I didn't get to do this for Rebekah, humor me, okay."

I hugged my mother in law and tried on several baby backpacks. When we returned I had two packs of onesies, several sleepers and a snowsuit we found on clearance, not a bad start.

Sunday we bid our ward farewell. It was always hard to leave behind friends. News of our impending child spread and we were greeted with congratulations, advice, and promises for quilts.

Dinner that night was subdued and the little girls appeared to be sulking. "I wish you didn't have to go," Caleb said.

"Yeah, we're not even going to get to see the baby."

"You'll see him at Christmas. But you may have to come visit us. We aren't sure how much hospital care he will need."

"No fair. Everyone goes away!" Ruth stomped from the table down the hall to her room.

"Excuse me, I think I have some cheering up to do." Mom Cole said as she excused herself.

"It's not easy being the youngest and watching everyone leave."

"Don't worry Daddy, I will never leave you."

"Thanks, Pumpkin." He reached out a hand and squeezed Anna's shoulder.

The next morning, bright and early we said our goodbyes and gave everyone big Cole family bear hugs. "We are so proud of you two." Mom Cole said as he hugged us again. "Keep us posted. I'm serious, Megan. I've seen how much you call home and it isn't much. If need be I will team up with your mom against you."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Okay, Mom if the lecture is over I will take my wonderful wife and hit the road."

She grabbed him in one more hug and them we climbed in the loaded down truck. Mark offered a quick prayer over our travels and we headed towards our new home.
Epilogue - 5 Years Later

"It is time to get up, little mister, if we are going to make it to grandpa and grandma's before daddy gets off work." I lifted his little shoulders, placing my arm behind to support him as I lifted him up. "I see that smile. Are you sick of me? You want daddy don't you." I tickled him playfully under his chin until he giggled. "Wow, you are getting so big. Mommy is building some serious muscles here."

After Justin was dressed and we'd both had something to eat I carried him out to the van and put him in his carseat. Luckily for me it wasn't raining because once Justin was secure it always took me 3 or 4 trips to get everything into the van. The back of the van was packed with overnight bags, Justin's wheelchair and supplies, and finally Mark's requested items from home.

Mark worked in Twin Falls at the children's hospital. It was near his parents but far from the property we purchased about 2½ hours north. He worked three 12 hour shifts had a two day break, worked another three 12's, and then had a 5 day break before starting all over again. He stayed at his parents except for the 5 day breaks and some of the two day breaks like when summer camp was in full swing. The rest of the time Justin and I joined him at grandpa and grandma's for his two day break. It wasn't ideal but we were making it work.

Justin complained and fussed from the backseat as I drove. Car rides were not his favorite. I checked the road and then made some funny faces at him in the rearview mirror hoping to make him smile. When that didn't work I pulled out all the stops and started the sesame street file on my mp3. Before long I was rockin' out with Oscar the Grouch and Justin seemed more at ease.

We pulled into the familiar driveway just before 6pm or so. The sun had set already but the night air wasn't too chilly yet. I loved this time of year. I could see in the glow of the lamppost in the yard that the apple trees were sagging. I had plans to help make applesauce this trip. With Anna and Ruth on the case I was sure it would be a fun and fast experience.

I turned off the car and got Justin out for a stretch. He wiggled a bit in my arms as I carried him towards the house. I placed his small finger to the doorbell and pushed. In just a moment the door swung wide and Grandpa Cole was beaming. "There's my little buddy." He took Justin from my arms and carried him inside to the living room where they made themselves comfortable on the couch. As soon as they were settled he hollered out to anyone within hearing, "Help Megan unpack the car."

Daisy and Anna were the first to appear. "Hi Megan." I reached over and hugged my tall sister in law.

Ruth came next, walking down the hall, texting as she went. She reminded me so much of Rebekah I suppressed a laugh. Once the phone was safely in her back pocket the 3 of us headed out to the car to bring things in. "Just leave the oxygen concentrator for Mark, it's heavy and Justin doesn't need it until bedtime anyway.

When we got back to the house, grandma had joined in the cuddles on the couch. "Oh, Megan give me his bag. I'm sure he needs a change." I took the bag off my shoulder and held it out to her as she passed me heading to the bedroom.

"Isn't he getting heavy?"

"Yes, in another year, you're going to need that wheelchair a lot more."

"I know. That is item one on the list."

Dad Cole walked up behind me. "How many items are on the list?"

"Not many... wheelchair accessible, close parking, inexpensive... we can deal with anything else."

"I hated looking for apartments.... Best thing about buying this house was that I never had to shop for another apartment."

I laughed. "Yeah, it isn't my favorite either. Mark's always taken care of it mostly but this time I figured I'd help in the search. We do have a few months to find something. We just need to be settled in time for Justin to start school in the fall. And it would be helpful if I wasn't moving during the busy season at the camp."

"You guys will find the right place, I'm sure of it. Have you eaten?"

"Just a few snacks. Justin is probably due for a feeding."

"Can I do it?" Ruth asked hopefully. "I love watching the formula go down the tube."

I laughed... "That's strange but if it makes you happy."

"It reminds me of Micah. I remember watching Mom feed him."

"That makes more sense."

"There see, Justin is taken care of, so you sit down and I will make you my famous leftovers....whatever they might be."

"Thanks, Dad."

"Got a text from Christian saying that he and Savanna will be stopping by next week. Are they headed up to your place?"

"Yeah, Christian is doing some cabinet work in the mess hall. It sure is nice having woodworkers in the family."

"Don't forget I want to build a cabin up there this spring. I've been collecting supplies. They're taking up half my workshop."

"I haven't forgotten. I have your spot all marked with red paint so I don't build a fire ring or sandbox there."

"You know with you guys here and Christian's family... we only need Rebekah and Ryan to have a mini family reunion."

"I think the commute from Georgia might be a bit far for them now. Maybe when Caleb gets home and Ryan is done with his internship we can all get together... up at the camp maybe. I should have most of the cabins done by then."

We had just finished eating when Mark opened the front door. "I'm home. Where is my family?"

"In here." Dad Cole called from the kitchen. I ran to the entry to meet him. I'd told Dad we had months to find a place but now that we'd had our first successful camp summer, I was ready to live fulltime with Mark again as soon as possible. He scooped me up and twirled me around as he kissed me.

"I missed you." I whispered.

"Me, too."

"You'd better go find Justin, he has been waiting for you."

Mark wrapped an arm around me and we headed towards the family room. "Where is my Justin?" There was an excited giggle. Mark moved forward and I stayed to watch the happy reunion at the edge of the room where it was safe. Justin squealed as Mark picked him up and swung him around. It was a different kind of rough housing than I'd seen my brothers do. This was designed in every way to make Justin feel reckless without him being in any danger. Mark had slowly developed these techniques over the years and even I, who had watched them over and over, couldn't duplicate them.

Everyone laughed as they watched. "Better add one more thing to your list, Megan," Dad Cole said, "wide open spaces and sturdy walls. These two are only going to get worse."

"Oh, that reminds me, Megan. I scheduled 3 apartment showings tomorrow. Maybe we'll get lucky."

"I was going to do applesauce tomorrow but I guess the showings won't take all day. Anything else planned."

"Just lots of time with you and little man here."

"Sounds perfect."

* * *

It felt strange being away from Justin. Even though mom and dad Cole often babysat so Mark and I could go out it was still hard to be without him. I was used to the routines that mothering had forced me into and I loved them. I couldn't believe that he would be attending school full time next year. Justin had been involved in many therapies most of his little life. Because of our location at camp many of them had taken place in our small cabin there. We knew though that as he grew Justin was going to need more and that's why we'd decided to move into town for the school year and live at the cabin in the summer. I could do all the paperwork in town and I would only need to drive up to the property occasionally for maintenance. Plus this gave us the added benefit of living as a family all the time.

It was discouraging though trying to find a place. We left the 3rd apartment with barely a glance. "Let's see," Mark said as he took a sip of his soda, "Too expensive, too small, and too dirty. I think we have rounded the day out with a big fat zero."

"Well, it wasn't all bad. At least we know we aren't getting any of those apartments. Maybe the next one will be perfect."

"I know but I was hoping we could move next week." He sighed, "I really miss you."

"Okay, then let's make it happen. We can look again tomorrow and tonight if we need to." He smiled and leaned across the small dining table to kiss my forehead.

When we got home, applesauce had already begun and the girls were helping Mom Cole in the kitchen. Dad was sacked out with Justin on the couch in the family room. Mark picked Justin off of Grandpa's chest and carried him into our bed. Grandpa woke and spent a minute rubbing his eyes. I walked into the kitchen, rolled up my sleeves and washed my hands. "Put me to work."

"Okay, there is lots to do but let's go into the living room first."

As Mom Cole and I walked into the living room we were followed by Dad Cole. "How was apartment hunting?"

"Not so great."

Mark joined us looking a little apprehensive. "So what's with the serious faces?"

"We were just asking about the apartments."

"Yeah, well trust me, you don't want to know."

"Great, that is just want we wanted to hear." Mom Cole looked thrilled.

"Okay, explain." Mark eyed his parents.

"We have wanted to bring this up for weeks, ever since we heard about the move. But we wanted to wait to tell you."

"Dad, what are we talking about here? Are you moving too?"

"No, are you kidding? I'm going to die in this house just so I never have to move again. We want you to move in with us. I mean you already live here part of the time and think about it, there's no better place for Justin. Micah made the place accessible a long time ago."

"I don't know, Dad. You guys are finally getting more time to yourselves and more room."

"More room? Let me tell you son with only 4 of us here there is way too much room. Did you know there are days when I don't even go down into the basement?" Mom Cole sounded horrified. "Besides it would be so fun having a little one around again."

"Think about it, anyway.... Mom and I have made our decision. We would love to have you here and just think you could save for Justin's brother or sister faster that way." Dad winked.

I looked and Mark and he had a distant look in his eye... "We'll need a lower basketball hoop on the court... I mean if we stay... what do you think Megan?"

I thought of watching Mark trying to play basketball with Justin. I thought of seeing Mark every day. I thought of the house full of cousins and kids for the holidays. I thought of being here for Caleb's return from his mission and the girl's weddings. I thought of extra hands to help with Justin. I thought of the wonderful family glow that I felt in the Cole house. I thought of all these things and my heart only had one answer. The Cole family home would be expanding once again to include us.
1. Members of an LDS congregation keep all the programs running by serving in different 'callings', or assignments. These assignments are made by the Bishop.

2. The Young Women's program covers three age groups: the Beehives (ages 12-13), the MIA Maids (14-15), and the Laurels (16 to high school graduation.) The MIA Maids (pronounced my-ah maids) are not Missing In Action; it stands for Mutual Improvement Association. The three members of the YW Presidency each supervise one group, and frequently, additional teachers are called for each class.

3. LDS Temples do not host regular meetings; they are reserved for sacred ordinances that apply to both the living and the dead. Baptism is essential for salvation, so this ordinance is done in behalf of the dead in the Temple. This does not automatically make a person LDS when they were alive (no time travel is involved) and the deceased person is free to accept or reject the baptism. We don't know who will accept, so the goal is to do it for everyone.

4. LDS congregations are defined by geography; what ward you are in decrees what congregation you attend. At BYU, a Ward can consist of two buildings in an apartment complex, or certain floors in the dorms. At the other extreme, a ward can encompass several counties in more rural areas. Wards generally run in size from 150 people up to 300.

5. Joseph Smith Building.

6. A Bishop has two Counselors to assist with organizing and overseeing the affairs of the congregation, an executive secretary to help with scheduling, and a few clerks to oversee the paperwork. All are unpaid service positions filled by members of the congregation. The Bishop and his counselors are collectively known as the Bishopric.

7. In a Sacrament Meeting, there is never applause for performers or speakers. Applause is for personal recognition; participating in Sacrament Meeting is to glorify God and help others to feel His Holy Spirit.

8. Ordained members can give blessings to others, where they invoke the blessings of God on behalf of the recipient and give direction as inspiration dictates. Blessings are predicated on the faith and need of the participants and the will of the Lord.

9. After the Resurrection, when "the spirit and the body shall be reunited again in its perfect form; both limb and joint shall be restored to its proper frame." (Alma 11:43)

10. Relief Society is the organization for all adult women of the LDS church. Their motto is "Charity never faileth."

11. In the LDS faith, gravesites are dedicated – blessed to be a consecrated resting place for the deceased.

12. This comes from A Proclamation to the world, the Family, an announcement from the LDS Church that lays out the responsibilities and expectations that accompany each of the divinely appointed family roles.

13. A marriage that will last beyond death has been sealed. Like other saving ordinances, Mormons try to do this on behalf of all deceased couples, and they are free to accept or reject the work that has been done on their behalf.
