TO GET FIRED.
PRESIDENT TRUMP IS TRAVELING 
THIS WEEKEND.
HE'S MAKING A STATE VISIT TO 
JAPAN.
I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN HE LEAVES 
THE COUNTRY.
IT MAKES ME NERVOUS.
IT'S BEING AT YOUR WEDDING AND 
WATCHING YOUR DRUNKEN UNCLE HIT 
ON YOUR FRIENDS.
DURING THE TRIP, HE WILL SPEND 
TIME WITH PRIME MINISTER SHINZO 
ABE.
AND HE WILL BE THE FIRST FOREIGN
LEADER TO MEET THE NEW EMPEROR 
OF JAPAN, NARUHITO.
THEY WILL SEE THE POKEMON MOVIE 
TOGETHER.
DONALD AND MELANIA ARE INVITED 
TO SIT RING SIDE AT THE NATIONAL
SUMO WRESTLING FINALS.
HE'S ALREADY SAID, I'M NOT 
SITTING ON THE FLOOR LIKE 
EVERYONE ELSE, BUT HE'S BRINGING
FOR THE WINNER WHAT HE IS 
CALLING THE TRUMP COP TO PRESENT
TO THE WINNER.
THEY RELEASED A PHOTO OF THE 
TRUMP CUP.
AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S QUITE -- 
[ APPLAUSE ]
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THE ONLY TROPHY IN SPORTS THAT 
COMES WITH A SIDE OF MASHED 
POTATOES.
REMEMBER THAT TIME PRESIDENT 
BUSH PUKED ON THE JAPANESE PRIME
MINISTER?
THAT'S ABOUT TO BECOME THE 
SECOND MOST EMBARRASSING THING A
PRESIDENT HAS EVER DONE IN 
JAPAN.
TRUMP'S ON THE WARPATH.
HE IS LASHING OUT ONCE AGAIN AT 
HIS FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE.
THE "WASHINGTON POST" REPORTED 
THAT REX TILLERSON WAS 
TESTIFYING IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE
FOREIGN AFFAIRS COMMITTEE, AND 
HE SAID PUTIN, VLADIMIR PUTIN 
GOT THE BETTER OF TRUMP BECAUSE 
HE OUTPREPARED HIM FOR HIS 
MEETING IN 2017.
THE WAY TO OUTPREPARE DONALD 
TRUMP IS BY PREPARING ANYTHING 
AT ALL.
IT'S ONE MINUTE OF READING.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
TRUMP DID NOT LIKE THIS.
HE WROTE REX TILLERSON, A MAN 
WHO IS DUMB AS A ROCK.
THAT'S HIS QUOTE, BY THE WAY.
AND TOTALLY ILL-PREPARED AND 
ILL-EQUIPPED TO BE SECRETARY OF 
STATE MADE UP A STORY.
HE GOT FIRED.
THAT I WAS OUTPREPARED BY 
VLADIMIR PUTIN IN A MEETING IN 
HAMBURG.
I DON'T THINK PUTIN WOULD AGREE.
LOOK HOW THE U.S. IS DOING.
HE DOESN'T HAVE A SENSE OF 
ANYTHING, DOES HE KNOW THAT HE 
HIRED REX TILLERSON?
AND DOES HE KNOW WE, WE HAVE A 
RECORD OF HIS TWEETS.
THEY DON'T JUST DISAPPEAR LIKE 
SNAPCHAT OR SOMETHING.
DOES HE NOT REMEMBER WRITING 
CONGRATULATIONS TO REX TILLERSON
ON BEING SWORN IN AS OUR NEW 
SECRETARY OF STATE?
HE WILL BE A STASH.
NOW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THE GUY, THE STAR IS AS DUMB AS 
A ROCK.
HE'S DUMB AS A ROCK STAR IS WHAT
HE IS NOW.
TRUMP'S ALSO MAD AT NANCY PELOSI
RIGHT NOW.
THEY HAD A MEETING YESTERDAY TO 
DISCUSS INFRASTRUCTURE SPENDING,
BUT TRUMP STORMED OUT AFTER 
THREE MINUTES.
HE MARCHED OUTSIDE.
HE TOLD REPORTERS I WON'T WORK 
WITH DEMOCRATS UNTIL THEY END 
THEIR INVESTIGATIONS OF ME.
NANCY PELOSI THEN ACCUSED THE 
PRESIDENT OF HAVING A TEMPER 
TANTRUM IN THE MEETING WHICH 
RESULTED IN YET ANOTHER TWEET.
NANCY PELOSI SAID PRESIDENT 
TRUMP HAD A TEMPER TANTRUM, THIS
IS NOT TRUE.
I WAS PURPOSELY VERY POLITE AND 
CALM, MUCH AS I WAS MINUTES 
LATER WITH THE PRESS IN THE ROSE
GARDEN.
CAN BE EASILY PROVEN.
IT'S ALL SUCH A LIE.
WELL, JUST FOR THE RECORD, HE 
DENIES HAVING A TEMPER TANTRUM 
BY HAVING A TEMPER TANTRUM.
AND THEN -- 
[ APPLAUSE ]
BECAUSE THAT WASN'T ENOUGH HE 
GETS SOMETHING IN HIS HEAD, THIS
EVENT WHERE HE'S GOING TO 
ANNOUNCE SUBSIDIES TO A BUNCH OF
FARMERS AND RANCHERS.
SO THESE FARMERS AND RANCHERS 
ARE IN THE ROOM EXPECTING TO 
HEAR ABOUT SUBSIDIES, AND 
INSTEAD THEY HEAR THIS.
>> SHE SAID I WALKED INTO THE 
ROOM RIGHT NEXT TO HER YESTERDAY
AND WALKED IN AND STARTED 
SCREAMING AND YELLING.
JUST THE OPPOSITE.
JUST THE OPPOSITE.
I WALKED OUT.
I WAS SO CALM.
YOU ALL SAW ME MINUTES LATER.
I WAS AT A NEWS CONFERENCE.
I WAS EXTREMELY CALM.
BEFORE I WALKED IN, SAID I'M 
GOING TO BE VERY CALM.
SO I WAS EXTREMELY CALM.
VERY MUCH LIKE I AM RIGHT NOW.
THEY COME OUT, THEY SAY HE WAS 
YELLING.
HE WAS SCREAMING.
KELLYANNE, WHAT WAS MY 
TEMPERAMENT YESTERDAY?
>> VERY CALM.
>> WHAT WAS MY ATTITUDE?
WAS I SCREAMING?
>> NO.
WERE YOU VERY CALM, AND WERE YOU
VERY DIRECT.
>> HE SAID HE WAS STOMPING AND 
HE WAS THIS AND THAT.
LARRY, YOU WERE THERE.
WHAT WAS MY ATTITUDE YESTERDAY 
AT THE MEETING?
>> MERCY'S RIGHT.
WERE YOU I
YOU WERE VERY CALM.
>> WHAT WAS MY TONE YESTERDAY.
>> VERY CALM.
I'VE SEEN BOTH.
AND THIS WAS DEFINITELY NOT.
>> I'VE BEEN VERY CONSISTENT.
I'M AN EXTREMELY STABLE GENIUS, 
OKAY.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: HE'S AN EXTREMELY 
STABLE GENIUS.
WHY CAN'T PEOPLE UNDERSTAND 
THAT.
HE'S NOT A MANIAC.
ASK HIS TEN TERRIFIED 
UNDERLINGS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THEN NANCY PELOSI THIS MORNING 
DECIDED TO GIVE HIM A LITTLE 
POKE AT HIS STABLE GENIUS AT HER
WEEKLY PRESS CONFERENCE.
>> AGAIN, I PRAY FOR THE 
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
I WISH HIS FAMILY OR HIS 
ADMINISTRATION OR HIS STAFF 
WOULD HAVE AN INTERVENTION.
>> Jimmy: THIS IS NOW LIKE, THIS
IS EXACTLY WHAT WOULD HAVE 
HAPPENED IF WE HAD A PRESIDENT 
CHARLIE SHEEN.
THIS IS IT.
THIS MUST BE GETTING UNDER HIS 
THIN ORANGE SKIN BECAUSE TRUMP 
EVEN RELEASED HIS SPOKES 
MONSTERS TODAY TO ADDRESS THIS 
OUTRAGEOUS INSINUATION THAT HE 
IS ANYTHING OTHER THAN RATIONAL,
REASONED AND CALM AS THE 
CARIBBEAN SEA.
>> THE PRESIDENT SAID LET'S WORK
ON INFRASTRUCTURE.
THEN HE LEFT VERY CALMLY.
>> CALMLY.
CAME INTO THE ROOM.
I WANT TO DO INFRASTRUCTURE.
I WANT TO GET THESE THINGS DONE.
YOU HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION ON 
WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT TO WORK 
WITH US.
>> BEWARE THE HUCKABEAST.
ONLY DR. PIMPLE POPPER CAN SAVE 
US FROM IT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
THIS IS A SMALL, BUT I THINK 
DELIGHTFUL, DETAIL.
AFTER HE LEFT THE MEETING 
YESTERDAY HE WENT OUT IN THE 
ROSE GARDEN, HOLDING 
HAND-WRITING NOTES.
IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, HE WROTE 
DEMS HAVE NO ACHOMLISHMENTS.
IT'S AMAZING WHAT COMES OUT OF 
YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU LIVE ON 
ADDERALL AND FRIED CHICKEN.
DONALD TRUMP JR. IS WRITING A 
BOOK.
HE SAYS THE BOOK WILL COVER A 
NUMBER OF TOPICS.
INCLUDING HIS FATHER'S 
ACCOMPLISHMENTS IN THE WHITE 
HOUSE.
LIES FROM THE LIBERAL MEDIA AND 
TIPS FOR GREASING YOUR HAIR WITH
A MIXTURE OF VARNISH AND LARD.
DJTJ HAS NOT YET ANNOUNCED THE 
TITLE BUT I HAVE A FEW IDEAS IF 
HE'S INTERESTED.
FOR INSTANCE, "ARE YOU THERE, 
DAD, IT'S ME THE DUMB ONE."
OR MAYBE HE COULD CALL IT "MOPEY
DICK", OR PERHAPS INSTRUCTIONAL,
"HOW TO GLUE ON A FAKE BEARD."
HIS BROTHER ERIC IS WRITING 
