Welcome back to the show.
after seeing how easy and fun it is to
take random scraps of evidence and spin
them into ridiculous conspiracy theories
we decided to try it ourselves because
why the fuck not
a few weeks ago I sat down with a cup of
chamomile tea and an assortment of
cyanide tablets and I watched all 99
minutes of Donald Trump's deposition on one
of the many lawsuits filed against him
and as I watched, I noticed a pattern
(LAWYER) section 23D
(TRUMP) okay got it
(TRUMP) Yah.
(LAWYER) You did not review this section of the lease
(TRUMP) What does it say?
(LAWYER) monetary damages these. This is in the remedies section
(TRUMP) I did not. No.
(TRUMP) I mean, do you want me to read it?
(LAWYER) Uh.
(TRUMP) It's long.
(LAWYER) It is long.
(TRUMP) It's very long.
(LAWYER) It is long.
(TRUMP) I don't have my glasses. I am a disadvantage because I didn't bring my glasses.
This is such small writing.
(LAWYER) you know we can do? we can have a bigger copy made of these pages
(TRUMP) Let me try, let me just do it.
(LAWYER) Would you be able to read this section and tell us what your understanding of it is?
(OTHER LAWYER) Objection. Mr. Trump isn't a lawyer
objection. how can you expect someone who
isn't a fancy-pants lawyer to read words
now at first I thought Trump was lying
but then it hit me
thanks to the time I've wasted watching
very special episodes of TV shows over
the years, I could draw only one
conclusion
what's the matter with you can't you read?
what's the matter with you can't you read?
(ANGELA) You expect me to believe you didn't read it?
(JORDAN) I read parts of it, okay?
(ANGELA) You couldn't read it.
(ANGELA) That's it, isn't it?
Oh my god, Trump is just like Jared Leto
Well, maybe more like the current version of
Jared Leto. You heard it here first,
people are saying Donald Trump can't
read. Specifically, people on my research staff
now before you accuse us of being a
silly late-night comedy show making
cheap jokes about a presidential
candidate allegedly being illiterate,
which we definitely are, we have evidence.
so much evidence, the best evidence.
Exhibit A: Trump's own words
favorite book, other than the Bible or
The Art of the Deal
Um, All Quiet on the Western Front.
(HAYES) You ask him as he's leaving the
interview and going to bed, what are you reading.  What does he say?
(WOLFF) He kind of had that look,
oh yeah you got me and then he tried to
answer and he said he's reading this
this book by -- that Ed Kline wrote, a
hatchet job on Hillary Clinton, which
I'm sure he's not reading, then there was
a book about Nixon, which he couldn't
remember exactly. But then he said, All
Quiet on the Western Front
those two interviews were a month apart
and in that whole month
not only did he not read a book, he
didn't even read a book title to tell
reporters about. Not convinced yet? I give
you Exhibit B: hearsay.
My dad had a meeting with him many years ago, he's in the same
business, we've never deal with him -
forget it, no way. But my dad said about
Trump after the meeting, he - meaning Trump -
has not read a book in 20 years
But the average American has not read a book in the last year either
Two things:
the last year and the last 20 years are
two very different things
if that 19-year difference were a person
she'd be way too old for Donald Trump to
talk about wanting to date someday.
The signs that Trump can't read have been in
front of us all along
in some cases the signs have literally
been right there in front of us.
But how does he tweet if he can't read?
(ANDERSON) Do you actually sit there type
or do you say something and somebody
else time types it?
(TRUMP) during the day I'm in the
office, I just shouted it out to one of
the young ladies who are tremendous. I have
tremendous office staff. And Meredith and
some of the people that work for me. And
I'll just shout out.
oh to be a fly on the wall when Trump
yells, hey Meredith do me a favor and
tweet that Audrey Hepburn was a fat ugly
cunt, pronto
I know what you're thinking, that's crazy
Trump can't be illiterate, the man must
have signed his name on countless
contracts, bankruptcy filings, prenups and
mail-order bride forms over the years
and does this look like the signature of
a man who can't read? but think about it
when Trump is on the campaign trail
what's his biggest enemy
I mean, besides knowledge, integrity, and
basic human decency?
I don't use teleprompters, you know what I use? I
don't use teleprompters.
I don't believe in teleprompters.
Maybe when you run for president you shouldn't be allowed to
use a teleprompter
because you don't even know if the guy's smart! he's reading
ladies and gentlemen thank you very much
this is wonderful speed that
teleprompter up, bahbahbahbah
Deedeedee
They have teleprompters. I say we should outlaw
teleprompters for anybody, right?
(ANCHOR VOICEOVER) That's a first, attacking the teleprompter there,
because he said it wasn't working properly
yeah the teleprompter wasn't working
properly, it had all these weird lines
and crazy symbols on it. Then there was that
telling moment in the last debate.
And during the cease fire, Russia took over
vast swatches of land
Swatches of land? Ok.
nobody has ever said that, except
someone trying to sound out the words on
the debate prep he was handed and
fucking it up
I wonder what else Donald has misread
but perhaps the most
damning piece of evidence is a study
that says reading improves empathy and
Donald Trump once did this:
which suggests he's never read a book in his
life. Or, it seems, a script
(DAVIDSON) ok so he's like, he doesn't really know
how to read. Yeah, and he loves
to improv
yeah, so during like the table read he
would go,
I'm not gonna say this, I think I'm gonna day this
the way I want to say it, is that ok?
there was a sketch that we wrote where
he's at Disneyland with his daughter and
the line is: alright let's get out of here. Turkey legs?
Like, let's like go get turkey legs.
And he doesn't know how to read
so he went, all right let's get out of here, turkey legs.
He called his daughter turkey legs.
Don't laugh at him, illiteracy is sad
I for one am impressed that even with
his alleged disability and with just a
multi-million dollar loan from his
father, Donald Trump was able to become
one of the richest people in the country
some of the richest people in this
country are people that can't even read
or write
they're called friends of mine
contractors. they might not read or write
but they're a lot smarter than the guys
coming out of Harvard, I want to tell you
oh you have a friend who can't read? do you
also have a friend who's embarrassed by
his tiny hands? Tell your friends not to
get discouraged and to just do his best
like you did during your deposition
(LAWYER) did you ever read this section of the
lease 
(TRUMP) No.
(LAWYER) on the security deposit guarantee
letter of credit.
(TRUMP) No I didn't.
(TRUMP) I just don't know what the lease says. It's a very big lease.
I don't know what the lease says.
I don't know what the lease says.
(OTHER LAWYER) It calls for a legal opinion.
It also calls for speculation
(TRUMP) I just don't know what the lease says.
once you have a lease, you know when
you have a lease, you have a lease. And I just don't know what the lease says as to that.
Oh my god Donald just listen to
the lease on audible! Now look, we are not
definitively saying that Donald Trump
cannot read. We're just asking the
question. Donald Trump knows all about asking questions.
(PIERS) Do you believe he probably was born in America?
(TRUMP) Uh, I say he might have been.
and we believe you might can read. Mr. Trump, you
can very easily clear up these questions
all you have to do is provide a video of
yourself reading Barack Obama's
long-form birth certificate out loud and
we'll be satisfied that we ended a
terrible rumor that Hillary Clinton and
Sidney Blumenthal started. Shame on that
We'll be right back
