Before you watch Winnie the Pooh force a sad, middle-aged Christopher Robin back to the Hundred-Acre Woods,
Steven Spielberg had every 90's kid wondering:
What if Tinkerbell forced a sad, middle-aged Peter Pan back to Neverland?
"I can see why you have trouble finding a happy thought.
So many sad memories."
Er-er-er-er-aw.
Gather around for Spielberg's least favorite Spielberg movie,
"I wanna see Hook again because I still don't like that movie."
even though it's the best film in the entire Peter Pantheon,
where by best, we mean least racist,
most memorable,
"Peter, come back! PETER!"
and containing the fewest covers of Smells Like Teen Spirit.
♫ Here we are now! ♫
♫ Entertain us! ♫
Someday, I'll actually watch Pan to find out why that's in there,
but today is not that day.
Meet Peter Banning,
professional cell phone haver.
He's Robin Williams like you've never wanted to see him before:
grumpy,
"I DO NOT BELIEVE IN FAIRIES!"
angry,
"Would everybody just SHUT UP?!"
and completely shaved from head to toe.
Eugh!
Glad they cut the scene where the Lost Boys went all 40-Year-Old Virgin on his chest.
"D'AAAAH, KELLY CLARKSON!"
When his kids get taken off to Neverland,
Peter Banning will have to become Peter Pan again.
At the 100-minute mark of a 140-minute movie.
How was I that patient as a kid?
Enter a spellbinding version of our own world
where the Peter Pan stories are all fiction,
"Mr. Berry, well, Sir James,
he wrote them all down in a book 80 years ago."
except they're not
because they're all based on historical events.
"The stories are true."
Except for that one shot where they imply that everything was all a dream?
"Hello."
What?
And if that's not confusing enough,
enjoy a family dynamic where Wendy has always had a crush on Peter,
"I am the girl who held your favor the way I did."
but then, she adopted him as her own grandson
after he kissed her granddaughter on the lips while she slept
and she still clearly has the hots for him.
"Grandma?"
That is so Bangawrong.
Head for the second star to the right and straight onto morning
to the saddest place you can imagine:
Neverland,
a prison island in a state of perpetual war
infested by a pirate army that's suicidally depressed?
"Don't try to stop me, Smee."
"Oh, not again."
Yikes!
But there's also the Lost Boys,
"BANGARANG!"
"BANGARANG!"
a tribe of tweenage murderers
who are probably starving to death on imaginary food
and can't hide the fact that after an eternity of battle,
they're all broken children desperate for some structure and guidance.
"Do you remember your father, Peter?"
"I wish I had a dad...
like you."
OK, how did I think this movie was fun when I was a kid?
Was I that blinded by Rufio's half-shirted triple hawk?
"Rufio, Rufio, Ru-fi-o!"
Oh, yeah, he's still the best.
So strap in for a movie that if you're over 30, you probably have really fond memories of
because you focus on the incredible Hoffman performance,
"I like it, I like it!"
the amazing production design,
and your unconditional love for Robin Williams,
but when you revisit it as an adult or were born after 1990,
you'll realize it's a sexually charged, violent movie about a mid-life crisis that takes 2 hours to really get going.
But you know, for kids!
Yay!
"Oh, dear me!"
OK, I'm just gonna throw this out there, but where are Micheal and John?
Toodles, did you kill them?
"I've lost my marbles."
