The U.S.A. versus Iran.
Over the past week,
tensions in the Middle East
have ramped up bigly,
after Iran shot down
an unmanned American sky dildo.
And now, America said
that the drone was shot down
over international waters.
But Iran said
it was flying in their airspace.
We're learning
that on Thursday night,
America almost went to war.
Just 24 hours ago, last night,
the U.S. was within minutes
of striking Iran,
but President Trump suddenly
stopping the strike
before it could happen.
 President Trump tweeting this.
Sweet Lord.
America was ten minutes away
from bombing Iran.
And who stopped it?
Donald Trump.
(applause)
Yeah. What-What's that?
Who ordered the strike?
Also Donald Trump.
(laughter, applause)
The point is, we are at peace,
thanks to,
and in spite of President Trump.
(laughter)
And can we just take a second
to acknowledge
how often this happens?
Trump takes us all
to the brink of a crisis,
and then, he's the one
that pulls us back
at the last second.
Sometimes it feels like
there are two different Trumps
making these decisions.
And you know what?
Like, maybe there are.
Maybe he has an identical twin
running around the White House.
You know? It's like one of
those Sister, Sister situations.
Yeah. I mean, that would explain
all of the flip-flopping.
In fact, it would explain
everything. He'd be like,
"Mexicans are rapists!"
"And some of them
are good people."
"I'm gonna release
my tax returns."
"No, I'm not."
"I'm gonna play golf."
"I'm also gonna play golf."
(laughter)
So, as you saw
in the president's tweet,
the reason that he called off
the missile strikes is because,
ten minutes before the launch,
he found out how many people
could die in a strike,
and to him, a drone wasn't worth
taking human lives.
And honestly, I commend him
for even saying that.
But now, people are
shooting down his story,
like it's an unmanned sky dildo.
NEWSMAN: The Washington Post
 today reporting the president
 had been briefed hours earlier
 about potential risks
 and casualties, and was
 supportive of military action
 until around 7:00 p.m., when
 he appeared to change his mind.
This just doesn't add up that...
that when the president meets
with his top Pentagon people,
they give him
a very thorough list,
a menu of targets, and say,
"You can hit this target,
"you can hit that target.
If you do, here are
the possible casualties."
They run through
the whole thing.
Yeah, according
to multiple people,
the president's story
doesn't make sense.
'Cause they say a president
doesn't find out
about potential casualties
ten minutes before a strike.
Those numbers
are actually presented
when the strike is proposed.
In other words, they give
the president a menu of options,
and then he picks
what he would like to do.
And I think that's
where this all fell apart.
You see, this isn't a guy
who uses menus, okay?
It looks too much like a book.
This is a guy who points at
pictures and asks for numbers.
That's who this is.
"Give me that one
with an extra that one."
That's him. "And I'll be
taking a soak in the ball pit.
Let me know when it's ready."
Now, as much as we would like...
we would like to believe
that this happened
because Trump didn't
pay attention in a meeting,
it might actually be
more complicated than that.
Right?
Because it's been reported
that the president may have
been given two different sets
of casualty numbers.
Yeah. That's what happened.
Well, that's what
they're saying happened.
And that wouldn't be surprising,
because it turns out
there are two different factions
in this administration,
and they've both been pulling
Trump in very different ways.
NEWSWOMAN: Sources tell CNN
 Secretary of State Mike Pompeo
 and National Security Advisor
 John Bolton
 both favored striking Iran,
 while outside advisors
 reminded him of his promise
 to get the U.S. out of wars,
 not in them.
NEWSMAN:
 Vice President Mike Pence
 supported the planned
 military strike on Iran
 but also agreed
 with the president's decision
 to stop them.
(laughter)
Wait, what?
The vice president supported
launching air strikes
and not launching air strikes?
I've got to say, the last thing
I expected to hear
about Mike Pence
is that he swings both ways.
(laughter)
(applause, whooping)
Like...
seriously, what a...
what a straight-up kiss-ass.
He's like, "Sir,
I think we should strike Iran."
(as Trump):
"I don't want to do it."
(as Pence): "And you shouldn't,
sir. Great decision."
So the hawks
were pushing Trump into war,
and the doves
were urging restraint.
And I don't know what the doves
told President Trump,
but it looks like for now,
it's worked.
NEWSMAN: The president says
 if it comes to war,
 the U.S.
 will "obliterate Iran,"
 but what he really wants
 is talks aimed at a new deal
 to keep Iran from getting
 nuclear weapons.
If... Iran wants to become
a wealthy nation again,
become a prosperous nation,
we'll call it
"Let's Make Iran Great Again."
Does that make sense?
Make Iran Great Again.
-(laughter, groans)
-Wait, what?
Make Iran Great Again?
So in 48 hours, Trump went
from threatening Iran
to pitching a MAGA franchise
in Tehran?
(laughter)
And I'll be honest, I don't know
if MIGA has the same ring to it.
(laughter)
And... it could be
a lot of trouble
if Iran ever pisses Trump off.
He'd be like, "All right,
they changed their minds,
so we're switching it
to "Never Iran Great Again."
Be like, "Sir, no, I...
I don't think...
I don't think we should..."
"Change it now!
Change it to Never."
"Look, sir,
look what you've done."
-"Oh, my-my bad."
-(laughter)
Look, if you pay attention,
it's pretty clear
to see what's happening here.
Trump doesn't want
to go to war with Iran, right?
And he also doesn't mind sitting
down with them to make a deal.
Feels like the truth is,
he just doesn't want
 Obama's nuclear deal.
So, Iran,
here's all you need to do.
Take the nuclear deal
you already had,
replace "Obama" with "Trump,"
turn the whole thing gold
for no reason...
and, most importantly,
don't forget to use pictures.
It makes it easy
for him to decide. Yeah.
That's a deal both Trump teams
can get behind.
