Ever wanted to single-handedly dismantle the
patriarchy?
This fresh yet powerful look will give you
the upper hand in defeating your male enemies,
thereby allowing you to establish an amazonian
world order over which you and your sisters
will rule.
To start off with, prime your face with an
illuminating serum.
This creates a dewy and light-catching base,
so that when your look is finished, everyone
who you pass will be forced to bask in the
light of your feminine glory.
Next, we're going to use a light foundation.
Make sure you give every part of your face
a fair equal amount of representation, unlike
the government and primetime network television.
Use concealer to cover up any blemishes on
your face, so that your physical exterior
matches the flawlessness of your personality.
Now, set the foundation with the powdered
ashes of Susan B. Anthony.
Finally, apply a rosy blush to the apples
of your cheeks.
This will give you a youthful and innocent
appearance, so that you'll still look cute
even when you're covered in the blood of a
thousand men.
Before you apply your eye makeup, prime your
lids and lashes so your eyeshadow and mascara
stays strong, just like the woman's spirit
through millennia of misogyny.
Start off your eyeshadow with a matte shade
similar to your skintone, and apply it all
over your eyelid.
Along the brow and in the inner corner, apply
a light, shimmering gold to make your eyes
pop.
Along the outer corners of your eyes, apply
a darker taupe to add definition.
Whenever you're applying your eyeshadow, think
of it like the glass ceiling: the thinner,
the better.
That way, you'll be able to shatter it more
easily when the time comes for women to assume
their rightful position as the dominant gender
of the human race.
For eyeliner, we're going to be using a coal
black to add a hint of Amazonian ferocity.
Apply the liner with a small brush, and flick
it out at the ends, like the wings of a bat.
You want the wings of your eyeliner to be
so sharp they could kill a man, allowing you
to drain his blood so that you may use it
to summon the goddess Athena.
To finish off the eyes, apply a generous amount
of Lean In mascara, courtesy of Sheryl Sandberg.
Finally, we move to the lips.
We want everyone to know you're the head bitch
in charge, so we're going to be using a powerful
red.
First, line your lips so that no one will
be able to escape your wrath.
Then, fill them in with red, like your underwear
after your first period.
I'm using Smash the Patriarchy no.
2.
You can add a hot glossy sheen as a final
kick to the balls.
All finished!
Next time you come into contact with a misogynist,
while they're trying to figure out how to
further strip women of their civil rights,
you can rip out their jugular with your teeth,
and look fine as hell doing it.
