hi there I'm Jarvis Johnson and I'm
currently holding office as a Democratic
member of the Texas House of
Representatives and today we're talking
about a story that actually happened
what's that sorry it says here we're
talking about a YouTube channel called
actually happened which I assume is a
channel with completely truthful stories
no what would I know this is there's a
piece of construction paper and look I
know I've already talked about this
channel but my parents aren't home so no
one can stop me I'm actually in LA right
now at an Airbnb so that's why it looks
nice and my tripod is broken so I've
rigged it up with some knives
let's hope that doesn't end poorly so a
few months back in January I made a
video about actually happened where I
was mostly just trying to prove that
they were misleading their viewers by
claiming that they're extremely
clickbait stories were submitted to them
by kids
we have several requirements for our
scripts believability stories ought to
sound like they're told by a real
teenager and be as close to real life as
possible without creating a sense that
they're fake anyway my conclusion in all
of this was the only way to fight these
channels was to join them so I made my
own fake story animation channel called
they actually animated my story and a
lot has happened since then sorry uh a
lot has actually happened since then
this is still it's still just
construction paper for one my parody and
a major channel was doing quite well
considering all the stories are original
and not ripoffs of any existing works
whatsoever especially not this one about
an orphan wizard named Gary Trotter
definitely not this one about a boy
named bill whose life got flipped-turned
upside down and he'd like to take a
moment just sit right there he'll tell
you how I became the Prince of a town
called well he never names the town
maybe it's Boston the channel now has
25,000 subscribers and thousands of
views but the best part is that it's
impossible to tell which of the comments
are jokes and which are serious this
channel is clearly fake the narrator is
the same for every video read more this
is a joke okay you're a ripoff actually
happened by the
dabs are like last season losers it's
dead guys I'm 100% sure this channel as
a joke um there's no such thing as a
teleporter lmao fake stole this idea
from The Fresh Prince of bel-air and
bill any real guy you just copy the main
character's name from the show well but
change it to bill idiots are these jokes
are they real who can be sure irony is
dead oh and another thing I wanted to
talk about before we transition into the
like main topic of today which has
actually happened is the channel that we
talked about last time my story animated
because they have been up to some poopoo
some dung some straight-up fecal matter
if I do say so myself
last week they posted a video that was a
bit of a quiz show they would show you a
clip of animation from someone who had
interviewed with them for a job and then
you would guess if that person got hired
what I didn't make this up they actually
posted this to their channel they're
essentially shaming people who applied
to work at their stupid company no I no
pressure or anything but if you fill
this interview we will have to make fun
of you in front of our 600,000 followers
oh yes we will be monetizing it you know
just to make a little extra dough now if
you can go ahead and draw a cat for me
now they took this video down pretty
soon after it went up but probably
because it was doing really poorly not
like they grew a conscience or anything
and that brings us to our old friend
actually happened who made so much
clickbait that I didn't even know which
stories to pick for this video but I
suppose we could start with I faked
pregnancy to get good grades you're
about to find out how what and spoiled
yogurt made me the most popular person
in school okay great so my name is Nancy
I am 14 years old and I go to middle
school this is Nancy she's 14 and still
in middle school she studies well but
sometimes she runs into difficulties I
study well or at least I try to
but sometimes I run into difficulties
the D is for difficulties and she has
this really important presentation for a
topic were never told in a class she
never mentions but uh-oh you
procrastinate it on it my final grade in
the class totally depended on it but I
procrastinated until the last possible
moment
so she sleeps in because she forgot to
set her alarm I got up terrified and
gathered all the printouts from my
presentation in a hurry but it didn't
help
I still miss the school bus and her mom
can't take you to school because of her
morning sickness you see my mom is
pregnant she's only in her first
trimester but she's having a hard time
with all this morning sickness and
constant nausea I decided not to disturb
her and went to see if I could catch a
public transport if she's not able to
find a public transport perhaps she can
use a smartphone based ride-hailing
service eventually if she finds a
trolley but she forgot to eat breakfast
I started to take into my backpack
trying to find some kind of Forgotten
cookies for Doc cookies fuck there were
no cookies mmm but I found a bottle of
drinkable yogurt instead a bottle of
drinkable yogurt was just chilling in
her hot a his backpack did she put it
there cuz she doesn't seem to recognize
it at all I might have forgotten it a
while ago but I don't remember when
exactly okay so the yogurt is clearly
spoiled but like she didn't notice
anything off about the the taste or the
smell or the consistency or anything I
just drank it all so not to get too deep
into yogurt logistics but if she's
drinking a yogurt that's for kids like
go-gurt or something then it's super
pasteurized so it's like really hard to
get sick on it even if it's spoiled and
if it's not that I still find it hard to
believe that this child is really into
probiotics but here we are right in the
middle of my presentation she somehow
makes it to a presentation on time but
in the middle of the presentation she
gets sick obviously and we're introduced
to Nancy's friend Angela we're supposed
to do our presentation together but
Angela is not a very diligent student so
she was not even prepared at all you're
one to talk you barely made it to class
still the teacher asked her to go on
with the presentation after my
inglorious exit she liked the understudy
of this group presentation she wasn't up
there before or Angela I know your
partners in the bathroom vomiting right
now but I'm gonna need you to finish
this presentation couldn't someone just
go ahead of us look I run a tight ship
around this classroom Angela takes over
the presentation and then Nancy eludes
the fact that you put together papers in
a hurry and then
she just blindly and without even
thinking started to read aloud with
expression what were the best ways to
overcome the negative impacts of
pregnancy you mean to tell me that
angela is so dumb that she accidentally
started reading a random WebMD article
that was included in the papers our
teacher was very very surprised angela
was very very surprised and the whole
class was very very surprised too
they're probably just confused that she
liked switch topics so dramatically like
one minute she's talking about how bees
are dying at an alarming rate and the
next she's talking about pregnancy
complications they make so many leaps at
this point in the story that it feels
like a giant chunk of it is missing so
when I came back to class the teachers
somehow quietly gave me an egg none of
this makes any sense she becomes the
most popular girl in school because her
friend read an article to the class
about morning sickness the boys started
carrying my bag if it looked heavy the
teachers - they made sure I was not
getting too tired in their classes and
they gave me good grades like this whole
story is fake so why also make it
incoherent it was Angela who helped me
understand what was going on how dare I
keep the news of my pregnancy from my
best friend what yeah what Angela no
offense but you just read a web in the
article the whole class and now you
convinced yourself that I'm pregnant I
maybe understand how other people could
have gotten the impression that I'm
pregnant but what's your Excuse you know
I printed that article about pregnancy
and toxicosis for my mother because she
asked me to
you know how printing an article is the
most popular way to share it in 2019 I
have no idea how it got in that file
with my presentation but it seemed that
now everyone at school thought I was
pregnant of course I was shocked she
really couldn't have put that together
so then she fakes pregnancy to get good
grades the title wasn't clickbait I
guess ah pickles the classic mark of a
pregnant person so then the social
worker gets involved thank God
the social worker asked if she's
pregnant and she lies because I guess
she's a bad person
this couldn't end badly at all I kept a
poker face and replied that everything
was fine and I did not understand what
she was talking about and she calls the
mom
would you guess the mom still has her
morning sickness silly pregnancy my mom
she just asked shockingly what
Nancy's pregnant to look I don't care
how nauseous you are no one would
respond like this that same day she paid
us a visit bringing along a couple of
policemen what did you think was
happening but there's no crime in action
at our house there's no crime in action
here officer you can move along yes
ma'am the only criminal was me no I
think you're good actually and what
happens to Nancy for defrauding the
whole school I was lucky that my lies
did not have any consequences Wow nice
no consequences what a great lesson this
next video there it is called well
except three titles so far first it was
called I was trapped in a house with
five burglars then it was called I
risked my life to save my neighbors but
it didn't help
it is currently called I thought I was
smarter than burglars but then I got
trapped in all those titles are lies
hello guys my name is Karla I'm 14 years
old
and now I want to tell you a detective
story which happened to me for real
about that I was born in America but my
family comes from Mexico that was
neither the place I was expecting this
is the part where they give a bunch of
unnecessary exposition but just know
that Carlos is a dog walker and she
doesn't have her phone because her dress
doesn't have pockets so I thought that
I'd just leave my phone at Kelly's
owners house which turns out to be the
wrong decision this reminds even horror
movies where they have to like get rid
of everybody's cell phone so that people
can't do the obvious thing anyway on
this people day Carla's about to pass
mr. and mrs. Ward's ass but something is
wrong they were supposed to be on
vacation but their door wasn't shut
properly and their curtains were closed
I got closer to see if their cars were
there but they weren't now there was no
doubt in my mind somebody had broken
into their house what was I supposed to
do now just go back and call the police
I couldn't call the police yeah you can
and I couldn't let the thieves throw up
the house no you can absolutely do that
they already stolen the cars which are
like the most valuable thing in the
house anyway Kelly could bark at any
moment I didn't have my phone but there
had to be a phone inside so I came up
with a crazy idea don't go inside call
off the burglars you're inside what are
you gonna do call 9-1-1 from inside the
house oh that's exact
what she's gonna do isn't it that's it
humming a song and walked into the yard
and I cried out mrs. Ward mr. Ward are
you back it's me it's me - ow Carla who
wouldn't hurt a fly or a burglar for
that matter I still kept on pretending
that I was looking for mr. and mrs. Ward
so that the thieves didn't suspect too
much trouble from me it's not the
problem Carla the thieves aren't just
like oh she's only looking for the
people that were robbing so what's keep
stealing shit yes there was a phone on
the table I grabbed it and press the
button can you believe it the line was
dead can you believe it the thieves cut
the line it's almost like organized
criminals think of more stuff than me
a 14-year old but didn't have any time
to work out a plan B I've got a plan B
for you maybe leave the place with a
team of burglars all of a sudden I saw a
mobile phone on the side table mr. Ward
must have forgotten it that was there
one mistake cars stolen phone line okay
how about that smart phone that's just
sitting there out in the open was I
supposed to take that that was my chance
I decided to not call the police so that
the thieves could not understand what I
was saying what I found my mother's
number and mr. Ward's phone and called
her I asked her to call the police in
Spanish the thieves will never decipher
call the police in Spanish because in
Spanish police is la policia Carla
finally realizes that the thieves
probably noticed her taking a phone call
out in the open so she decides to leave
but what's this I was ready to book out
the door but then I realized that the
guys upstairs for thinking about doing
the same thing yeah but you're right
next to the door so I think you got this
so she tries to leave but she foolishly
tied the dog to the railing and can't
get the knot undone then one of the
criminals starts walking down the stairs
and the dog magically breaks free from
the leash and starts rushing at the
criminal and then just in the nick of
plot the police arrived so the day is
saved put in an unexpected move Carla's
mom is disappointed if only you knew how
she scolded me afterwards but yeah
that's my mum no that's pretty much
anybody after hearing your ridiculous
story
mr. and mrs. board was shocked when they
found out what it happened
you never expect these kind of stories
when you come back from vacation no it's
kind of a common thing actually you
should watch the other videos on this
channel called actually happened where
people get their houses robbed while
there are big
mrs. Ward said I'd been a very brave
girl but the deed itself was pretty
stupid everything could have ended
differently I thought about it later
and came to the conclusion that her
words made sense after a lot of deep
reflection I came to the conclusion that
a 14-year old girl is not equipped to
take on a gang of thieves the more you
know it was an unnecessary risk to get
into the house with as it turned out
five thieves or five beads doing them in
house that or they already stole two
cars what else reserves steal I'm kind
of mystified at how these channels like
magically manufacture this clickbait
that they then never deliver on and I
think I figured out how to do it okay so
basically all these channels use the
same kind of click bait for starters it
has to be in first person because you're
a kid so it's got to start with I or my
or whatever then you've got to decide if
it's happened to you directly or your
mom your dad or your crush because
everyone has a crush then you gotta have
something bad happen you know for a
click bait you know whenever they do
talk about good things those videos do
pretty well so I don't know why they
keep going in such a negative direction
but here we are so you got to talk about
death or crime betrayal or some sort of
emotional manipulation sometimes you got
a couple like with my friend almost died
after betraying me honestly it feels
like you could teach an AI to generate
believable actually happened video
titles so I did but let me throw it over
to old Jarvis thanks to Jarvis so I got
the title of every single actually
happen video and then I used this
statistical modeling technique called
Markov chains to generate new actually
happen titles that don't exist based on
the ones that do essentially you just
look at all the words in the titles and
you try to figure out which word is
likely to come after a given word it's
very similar to how text suggestions
work on your phone for example if you
look at all the actually happen videos
that start with the word my it's very
common for the next word to be mom or
dad or parents and many do that for
every single word in all the titles and
now I have a program that can make
titles that sound like actually happen
titles my dad became an Instagram star
overnight back to you new Jarvis thanks
for Travis
I'm so dumb I have made a website called
animated story titles calm that you can
go to and generate these titles for
yourself
I almost some of them are really dark
but I guess the actually happen stories
are really dark too so it works out I
almost drowned
and lost all my money in a card game my
girlfriend is a grandma I had a fake
boyfriend but he taught me something my
dad's last gift went missing and it
killed their family I spent way too much
time on this so I hope you enjoy it and
if you find any good titles please send
them to me on Twitter Instagram add
Jarvis because of eight years old least
don't make me laugh I'm depressed but my
friends think I'm a vegetarian and my
dad fucking crazy that was fun
okay now let's get into the last video
which is called my friends think I'm
dead
and it's about a kid who has to go into
witness protection because his dad did
some sort of unnamed crime there's not
many details in this story at all and
we'll see soon that it kind of
encapsulates everything that's wrong
with this channel hi everyone I know I
have to introduce myself here first but
unfortunately I can't you'll learn why
in the next few minutes dude just make a
fake name it's like every literally
everyone on this channel does that there
are plenty of details in this story that
will have to remain secret for safety
reasons but I figured why not share with
millions of people but it's all been so
hard over the last few weeks that I I
just need to get it off my chest so this
story is actually pretty boring because
there's basically no details uh-huh but
he used to be a normal kid but now he's
not I've always known that my dad had
something to do with finance so I didn't
get too suspicious when a couple of men
in suits appeared at our house but it
was hard not to notice that something
was wrong when the next time they came
they took my dad with them it was hard
not to notice something was wrong when
my dad was abducted I'm sorry I can't
get into details look we get it you
choose the details of the story he left
the keep telling us about what you're
leaving out but the story was that my
dad was involved in a crime he was now a
witness and apparently he was in danger
I never asked about who these people
were that could put us in danger because
I didn't really want to know that much
about what my dad was up to well
son unfortunately we have to change our
identities and leave town because I have
powerful enemies who might try to kill
us no questions here so they go into the
witness protection program imagine how
shocked I was to learn one morning that
I had to pack my things meet the
essentials because we were leaving that
same night I guess the officials advised
my parents not tell me anything in case
I wouldn't be able to keep it a secret
judging by the fact that the story
exists good move don't they move to
another town and change their identities
and this is how they depict that move
it's a work of art we were allowed to
keep our first names but we got a new
last name it took me several weeks to
get used to my new last name and a
couple of times I almost said the old
one out loud in class when do you even
say your last name in class alright
let's see let's start with the J's today
Jarvis is there a Jarvis here Johnson oh
I mean DiCaprio so they say that due to
witness protection this whole family had
to like fake their death which I looked
into it and that's not a thing in the
witness-protection for a game they you
just changed your last name and you
moved to a new city the danger was so
serious everyone in our hometown had to
think we were dead yeah not a thing a
little later
I learned that there was even a news
story about the three of us dying in a
car crash that meant a lot of things it
mostly meant that this story is fake
that was the first time I was glad I
never had grandma's or grandpa's we only
had a couple of distant relatives who
wouldn't notice if we lost touch cover
up anyway this story is done after this
video it made me think like wow these
stories are so similar and they all have
the same structure I wonder if I can
teach an algorithm to to write a script
to a hole actually happened story like I
I made a thing for four titles and the
answer to that is no so I downloaded all
the subtitle files for actually hacking
videos and I fed them into this very
sophisticated lingo to model called GPT
- and I trained it on those files and
tried to use it to generate like
actually happen scripts
these are just a couple of the ones that
I got back but most of these are in the
Twitter thread of mine that I can also
link I have to work to survive after my
dad lost all his friends hi my name is
Claire and I was born six months Cal hi
I'm Nancy and I must confess I was found
guilty by the entire community and I
wish I could tell everyone the same but
first a prologue it turns out I can't
sew and it's wrote one the old-fashioned
way hi my name is Lee Orton funny name I
know I'm 13 years old and my story is
well I'll just let you make up your own
mind about it it's just that well it
turns out that my dearest friends in the
world apparently can't trust me I've
always been a bit of a private kid I was
an only child and I was also
homeschooled so I didn't have many
opportunities to meet kids in the real
world so instead I spent a lot of time
online
I loved the Internet it was amazing I
could communicate instantly with other
kids my age about anything cartoons toys
whatever I was into at the time and it
let me build real relationships with
people since my parents were always away
at work I guess you could say the
internet raised me more than my parents
did most of my friends I met playing
online games my favorite game is this
one called run escape it's a labor
simulator were you just cut trees and
fish all day but it's weirdly really fun
anyway everything was all fun and games
until the day my entire life was
completely ruined it started like any
normal day I woke up hopped online and
one of my longtime internet friends
n-word say or 69 asked me liron how do I
know you're a real person
I only know you online so you could be
lying about who you really are maybe
you're not a kid like me maybe you're an
artificial intelligence or an old man or
worse a 26 year old youtuber trying to
make a point he was right I am a 26 year
old youtuber trying to make a point just
kidding I'm totally a relatable kid I
explained this to my buddy and he was
like oh right what was they thinking
Benny sent me is bank routing an account
number like I asked you mean got back to
our favorite labor simulator I mean
MMORPG the moral of the story is the
Internet is really dumb because you
say basically anything and a lot of
people believe you and you shouldn't
always believe them unless they're
pretending to be a kid I mean they are a
kid like me I am a kid 100 percent so
after making a bunch of videos about
these animated stories and watching
hours upon hours of them I hate it now
so I'm not gonna do it anymore I know
that there are a bunch more animation
stories I know about minute videos I
know about share my story
are they real are they fake I don't care
the world may never know just be dubious
of anything that purports to be real on
the Internet
that's that's the moral here and now the
video is over thanks to block a here
follow me on Twitter I've no idea if I'm
saying there right if you want me to
butcher your name follow me on Instagram
or Twitter it's all I want
