( LAUGHTER )
NOT ALL THE NEWS THIS WEEKEND
WAS ABOUT IMPEACHMENT.
NOT ALL THE NEWS THIS WEEKEND
WAS ABOUT IMPEACHMENT.
ON SATURDAY, THE PRESIDENT MADE
AN UNSCHEDULED TRIP TO THE
HOSPITAL.
THE SECRETIVE NATURE OF THE
VISIT PROMPTED A LOT OF
SPECULATION.
WHO KNOWS THE REAL REASON, BUT
TRUMP WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST
PRESIDENT TO HIDE HEALTH ISSUES:
F.D.R. HID POLIO, EISENHOWER HID
A HEART ATTACK, AND LINCOLN HID
HIS SECRET SKULL REDUCTION
SURGERY.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S WHY HE WORE THE HAT.
HE HAD THE SURGERY, SO HE HAD TO
WEAR THE HAT TO COVER UP -- I
DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND, EITHER.
( LAUGHTER )
I AM SINCERELY RELIEVED TO SAY
THAT IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG WITH THE
PRESIDENT'S HEALTH.
I MIGHT NOT BE TRUMP'S BIGGEST
FAN, BUT I DON'T WANT HIM TO
LEAVE THE WHITE HOUSE FEET
FIRST.
I WANT HANDCUFFS FIRST.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
PRESS SECRETARY STEPHANIE
GRISHAM LATER EXPLAINED THAT
TRUMP DECIDED TO GET PARTS OF
HIS PHYSICAL DONE EARLY BECAUSE
HE HAD A "FREE WEEKEND" IN
WASHINGTON.
OKAY, THAT'S THE SADDEST THING
I'VE EVER HEARD.
(AS TRUMP)
"HM, I HAVE THE DAY OFF, I COULD
SPEND IT WITH MY CHILDREN?
NOT REALLY MY THING.
MY WIFE?
SHE HATES ME.
MY FRIENDS?
ALL IN JAIL.
AH, I'LL GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND
HAVE THEM STICK ME WITH NEEDLES,
JUST TO FEEL SOMETHING."
( LAUGHTER )
GRISHAM WENT ON, EMPHASIZING
THAT TRUMP IS, "HEALTHY AS CAN
BE."
( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, BUT HOW HEALTHY CAN HE BE?
HE'S A 73-YEAR-OLD INSOMNIAC WHO
EATS NOTHING BUT FAST FOOD,
WHO'S AFRAID OF STAIRS.
(AS TRUMP)
"WATCH OUT FOR STAIRS.
THEY'RE LIKE RAMPS WITH TEETH."
IT'S TRUE.
( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP TOOK TO TWITTER TO DEFEND
HIS TOTALLY NORMAL SURPRISE
CHECKUP, SAYING HE WENT TO
WALTER REED AND "BEGAN PHASE ONE
OF MY YEARLY PHYSICAL."
OKAY, PHYSICALS DON'T HAPPEN IN
PHASES.
( LAUGHTER )
EVERYBODY HAS THEM.
I JUST HAD ONE.
MY DOCTOR NEVER SAID, "OKAY,
DROP YOUR PANTS, BEND OVER, AND
TRY TO RELAX.
I'LL BE BACK IN SIX MONTHS."
( LAUGHTER )
ALL RIGHT?
YEP.
YEP.
( PIANO RIFF )
STAY THERE.
STAY THERE.
( APPLAUSE )
TRUMP FINISHED HIS TWEET WITH,
"WILL COMPLETE NEXT YEAR."
( LAUGHTER )
YES, TRUMP'S FIRST PART OF THE
PHYSICAL WAS SUCH A HIT THAT
NEXT YEAR, THEY'RE COMING OUT
WITH A SEQUEL:
"COLONOSCOPY 2: 2 BLOCKED 2
SCOPE."
( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
