 
### Table of Contents

Chapter 1 – Whose Idea was this, anyway?

Chapter 2 – What was He thinking?

Chapter 3 – Him/Her-Both His Creation

Chapter 4 – Him/Her-Different Roles, Equally Treasured

Chapter 5 – Physically Spiritual and Spiritually Physical

Chapter 6 – Mom and Dad – Dirtiest Job

Chapter 7 – Subtle Threats to your Marriage

Chapter 8 – When One Becomes Two Again

Epilogue

Marriage

Chapter 1 – Whose Idea was this, anyway?

Genesis 2:15-25

Throughout history, societies have embraced the institution of marriage. Until recent years, there has been little debate about just what the term "marriage" meant. Universally, marriage has been defined as the union of a man and a woman, a wife and husband. While not always practiced, for most people, the term "marriage" also carried with it the concept of some measure of permanence---at least in the ideal state. Only the careless few entered into the marriage relationship without some notion of making a long term commitment.

Where did we get the idea for this, now considered quaint by some, relationship called "marriage"? What purpose was it intended to serve? Can society redefine the term to fit a shifting sense of morality and decency? Can we "modernize" marriage? Who holds the patent?

To understand marriage, we must first address these questions concerning the nature and flexibility of the marriage relationship. In order to do that, we must come to grips with the origin of the relationship. After all, if we seek to fully understand anything, and perhaps even to modify it, the first logical step is to approach the creator of the concept. Unfortunately, in the 21st Century world of talk shows and "expert" advisors/relationship counselors, we are probably more likely to assess marriage based on statistics and studies, polls and surveys, rather than an objective standard of measure. We are programmed to digest information in sound-bites and 30 minute interviews to the point that it is rare that we dig beneath the surface to get at the heart of any matter regardless of its importance and the consequences of errant decisions associated with it. If we're really serious about something, we might sit through an entire hour-long discussion with our favorite celebrity talk show host. We border on fanatical when we venture out to the bookstore to grab the latest attempt by a bestselling author to enlighten us with his/her wisdom gleaned through many hours of doing, essentially, the same things.

If we have any chance of learning the truth about this relationship, we'll have to invest more than an afternoon in front of the television or a few evenings skimming through the latest bestseller. We will have to sacrifice some time and face some uncomfortable realities. As we embark on our study of this subject of marriage, it is only fair to warn the faint of heart that this will be no walk in the park. It will be more like climbing Mt. Everest. Most will find the journey too challenging, too threatening, too distasteful, to continue to the summit. It will be much easier to dismiss the trail as misguided and to turn back to the familiar, comfortable paths at the foot of the mountain where there are plenty of distractions to keep the mind from wondering, "Am I missing out on something extraordinary?" All who undertake this trek will be tempted to settle for the "good" marriage that we are told is available with just a little bit of effort, sensitivity and compromise. My prayer, though, is that a few will see the wonderful summit from afar and, from the depths of their souls, long to experience a mountaintop marriage.

It would be foolish to ignore the likelihood that many of the people who read these pages will have already experienced a divorce. They may hear the discussion about a permanent covenant and start to tune out expecting either a judgmental condemnation or a utopian mirage that is painted only to deny them entrance. If that is you, rest assured that neither of these will happen. We'll talk at length later about the topic of divorce, but while we work our way there, you should commit to appropriate God's teaching to where you are living now. From today forward, apply His Word to your life now and forever. After all, He told you that if you are in Him you are a new creation. He has given you the freedom to live. As we will see later, divorce is not a death sentence.

Now, approaching the subject of marriage requires that we contemplate its origin which is not an inherently simple thing to do in modern society. We hear lots of debates about cultures and societal conventions, but these are more appropriately viewed as man's ever-changing perception of marriage rather than a reflection on the genesis of the institution of marriage. For a true understanding of the conception and birth of marriage, we must return to the real "genesis" which is God's Word. Once we understand that the timeless truths of the Bible are the key to understanding marriage, we are quickly led back to the very first book of the Bible, Genesis.

Our investigation into the origin of marriage quickly causes us to ponder the environment in which this concept was brought to life. As God elaborates in the Creation account in the second chapter of Genesis, we get our first glimpse at the idea that spawned this institution of marriage. We peer into the early days in the Garden of Eden, and we see that the Creator's greatest creation, the one that He made in His own image was created in an incomplete state. Mankind was created to be completed. God certainly could have made mankind without need, without the natural longing to be joined to another person of the opposite gender.

Union of Man and Woman Completes Them

He created the man first, and in Genesis 2:15-17, we see that this man, Adam, was given a job, and he was given rules to follow:

**15** **Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it.** **16** **The Lord God commanded the man, saying, "From any tree of the garden you may eat freely;** **17** **but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die."**

So much for the idea that work and rules were consequences of the Fall into sin. As much as these two inescapable parts of life may seem like necessary evils of life, they were actually an ordained part of life even in the pre-sin state of man's early days in the Garden. God gave Adam the responsibility of tending to the Garden. Man was always intended to be a diligent and productive worker reflecting his Maker's characteristic attention to detail and persistence in the task at hand.

In the next verse in God's description of the early days in the Garden, He explains the boundaries that He established for the safety, happiness and fulfillment of His most precious creation---people. The rules were really quite simple, and looking back from our vantage point, it is easy to throw stones and pretend that we, somehow, would not have violated the simple rule to refrain from eating from a certain tree-the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. God placed a simple boundary on the man even before he created his bride and clearly made the man responsible for the spiritual instruction of the family that God was about to form.

Then, God set out to complete His most special creation by providing fellowship. We see, in Genesis 2:18 -20, that God explains:

**18** **Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."** **19** **Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name.** **20** **The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him.**

From the beginning, God has not intended to have man be a loner. God is passionately interested in our relationship, and given the fact that He, as we will see, established the husband/wife relationship first, we understand that He values it above **all** human relationships. As we dig into this study on marriage, we need to understand that it is a priority, to God, above all other human relationships.

Because God placed such a high value on this relationship, it's no surprise that He paid great attention to the partners that He would join together in these bonds that He intended to be permanent. With that in mind, not just any person would do for Adam. This person had to be a particular person. In fact, verse 20 describes this mate as " **suitable for him** ".

After Adam had named all of the animals, God addressed the man's need for someone to complete him. Verse 20 tells us that there was no completion for Adam. God did not just want to give the man company. He intended to give him a mate to complete him. When God told us through the prophet Jeremiah, " **For I know the plans that I have for you**..." (Jeremiah 29:11), He did not leave out this most important relationship. That word " **suitable** " literally means "one who helps". The root word means "to help or support". This is not intended to be an indication of inferiority no more than any integral part of any creation is intended to be viewed as less than important.

Instead, this is intended to convey the idea of a unique fit. We've all had those occasions in which we need a specific piece, or part, to complete the masterpiece that we're creating. In the same way, when God set out to create the family, He made it clear that only a specific piece would be suitable for completing this primary unit in His creation. Many years ago, there was a commercial for chicken that described their competition's lack of interest in quality with the catch phrase "parts are parts" which told the amused audience that little care was given to the product that was being served to them by the competition. Instead, the careless company was just serving whatever parts they had available. Well...we can rest assured that our Heavenly Father never approached the family in that way. No, He said that the mate for the man (Adam) that He had created had to be a specific mate who would complete him and, ultimately, allow the couple, this family unit, to reflect the glory of their creator.

We probably don't think about it very often when we look across the dinner table at the spouse that we've known for years, but we can be sure that our Creator specifically crafted that person to complete us. Often, they have qualities that are opposite of ours in order to give us balance. In other ways, our spouse may be very much like us such that God uses them to amplify a wonderful gift that He has placed within both of us. Whatever the case, we can be sure that, just like Adam and Eve, our mate was chosen specifically to fellowship with us while completing us.

As one might expect of a Creator that took such exquisite care in crafting this special union, God planned to continue to have a hand in it. He never contemplated the idea of knitting these two people together and then abandoning them to make it as best they can. God's plan for marriage is a covenant between three people – the husband, the wife and God. His intention was that the marriage bond would include the man, the woman and the God of the Universe so inextricably linked together that the strength of the union could withstand the storms of life. The three together make up the strong family that God had in mind. As Solomon told us, "... **a threefold cord is not quickly broken** ".

In creating the man and woman to thrive together in a relationship in which they were to complete each other in the context of obedience to the Creator, God established a covenant relationship between the man, the woman and God. When He defined this relationship, He didn't make it a do-it-yourself, whatever you like kind of project. No, the plan for marriage and the family was set in stone and stamped with God's seal of approval. Society is simply not at liberty to redefine this relationship that God initiated. This applies even to the "oh-so-enlightened" society that we live in today. In amazing detail, the Creator spells out the origin, the purpose and the future for this most basic and supremely important institution.

We should keep in mind that this was all BEFORE the fall, so, clearly, nothing in this plan for marriage was stained by sin. As such, we can see that His design functions as He intended. God didn't change the plan to accommodate for Adam's flaws as a husband. No, He created him intentionally needing Eve for completion. Eve, too, was created from Adam (more about that later) with a need to be completed by her husband. All of this was planned and created before sin ever entered into the experience of mankind.

Of course, we all live in a post-Fall world full of messed up people. Now, we who enter into this blessed union are stained by sin, but God's design is still flawless and it can still work with the sinful men and women that we are. In fact, as we'll see as we continue together, it is the ONLY design that can work with sinners like us. Certainly, individuals, with as many faults as we have, require a perfect design in order to exist in a remotely functional relationship. Oh...but our Father has never intended for us to be merely functional. Jesus said that His intention was that we have life and that we have it more abundantly (John 10:10). Our Father's incomparable design functions to take two marred pieces, unite them and produce an abundantly joyful union that reflects His glory.

We should not, however, think that God's design for marriage brings with it only rainbows and lollipops with no requirements of us. In fact, as we learn more, we'll see that this marriage covenant will cost us more than any of our human relationships. Believers typically, at least, acknowledge the requirement that they die to themselves and accept Jesus Christ as savior in order to take hold of the eternal life offered by Christ. However, few of us plan to do much in the way of sacrifice when it comes to the relationship that we have with our spouse.

Few of us go on that first date and think about what we are willing to sacrifice for the other person. More than likely, we enter into that courtship phase with the notion that he, or she, will make us "happy". We may think that they will "fulfill" us. We are expecting someone to give us the big time tingles and meet our needs, but we rarely stop to think about what is required of us.

The Marriage Commitment Demands That We Leave Our Parents

In Genesis 2:24, God explained the two foundational principles about this marriage relationship: 1) Separation from competing allegiances and 2) Permanent union with our partner in this covenant with the Creator.

**24** **For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.**

These principles are a call to great sacrifice and a consuming dedication unseen in any other of our human relationships. As with much of what we are called to live out in our lives as Christians, the primary requirements that God has placed on marriage grate against our nature and challenge us to overcome our natural tendencies. For that very reason, most of us never contemplate what is required of us before we stroll down the aisle.

In fact, the overwhelming majority of people, even believers, enter into the marriage covenant without ever considering the most basic and primary sacrifice that God requires of both the husband and the wife---The marriage commitment demands that we leave our parents. Before we dismiss this as applying only to those whose relationship with their parents is less than ideal, we should notice that this principle was established before sin and before fathers and mothers. When God told Adam and Eve, "... **a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh** ", He was establishing a principal that He intended to characterize this first institution that He created. In the KJV, the translation uses a strong word---"cleave" to describe this joining of husband and wife. Here, we get the notion of "leaving and cleaving" that so aptly describes a biblical marriage.

Why would God say this about Adam and Eve? They had no father and mother to leave. Remember, He had just created them. For that reason, it is clear that God was laying out the plan for the first step in this relationship that He describes.

Leaving the present to live in God's future for you has always been God's design because marriage is intended to be a separation from all other relationships in the sense that no other relationship is to carry with it the value of this one. For this reason, marriage is to be taken seriously. Many of our wedding vows included something similar to "Marriage is not to be entered into lightly but reverently and in the fear of God". Matthew Henry wrote "...how great the virtue of a divine ordinance is; the bonds of it are stronger even than those of nature. To whom can we be more firmly bound than to the fathers that begat us and the mothers that bore us? Yet, the son must quit them, to be joined to his wife, and the daughter forget them, to cleave to her husband"

For those of us with children of our own, in our role as parents, we might not be too happy with this teaching, but we have to recognize that to oppose it is to oppose God. His commands are clear that the husband/wife relationship is to supersede the parent/child relationship, and we will do well to recognize that and encourage our children to approach their marriage with this mindset. Simply put, if this marriage relationship doesn't transcend all others for you, then you should not enter into it. (We'll dig into that a bit more when we talk about selecting a mate.)

We can see an example of someone who did not understand this in the tragedy that occurred on January 13, 2012. The cruise ship, Costa Concordia, struck the rocks off the coast of a small Italian island. For one husband, this crisis would reveal that he clearly did not understand this concept of leaving. The honeymooners were on board to celebrate their recent wedding, along with the golden wedding anniversary of the elderly parents of the groom. As the ship took on more and more water, the husband and the rest of his family donned life jackets and leapt into the water. But the new bride, who could not swim, disappeared from sight and is feared to have drowned. The groom later said: "I saw my wife jump into the water with her lifejacket on, but I haven't heard from her since. I'm begging the rescuers to find her. The main thing on my mind was my father who has a problem with his hip. We all had lifejackets, but my wife couldn't swim and was scared of the water." Clearly, this groom had not decided that his bride with whom he had entered into a covenanted union was the person in his life most worthy of his affection and protection. He had missed what God intended.

Now, many people might have the same struggle and would quickly defend this man's love for his father. We, however, must always keep in mind the requirements of our Heavenly Father as described in His Word. From Genesis through the New Testament, God spells out the great concern and care that the husband should have for his wife. While it is a good thing to love your earthly parents, the best thing for us is to honor the covenant that we have made with our spouse and God Himself. "Good" is often the enemy of "best", and this is certainly such a circumstance.

Am I saying that we should not love our parents? No, however, I am saying that we should not marry someone unless we love them more than our parents and are willing to live "forsaking all others" as many wedding vows say. Actually, I'm not saying that. God says it in His Word.

Jesus modeled this concept when He willingly laid aside His place in Heaven and took on flesh to die for His bride. We can't conceive of the chasm in fellowship when Jesus left His place with His Father and took on the form of a man in order to save and protect us. He, who had always known perfect fellowship with His Father, chose to encase Himself in the bonds of a human body and be separated from the continual communion with His Father---all for the sake of His Bride, the Church. This separation was so very clear when on the cross He cried, " **My God, My God, why have you forsaken me** " (Matthew 27:46). Surely, this was not a casual commitment that He made to His Bride, and it is certain that He expects no less from us as we enter into the covenant relationship of marriage that He created.

The Marriage Commitment Requires That We Cleave to Our Spouse

The marriage commitment requires that we cleave to our spouse (Genesis 2:24). The NASB translates "cleave" as "joined together" which fits with the rest of the verse that says " **and they shall become one flesh** ". As with Adam, it isn't good to be alone, so the rest of the sentence says we are to cleave to each other and become one flesh. Certainly, this idea of becoming one is much more than what our society would begin to conceive as being possible, much less desirable or necessary.

When the Pharisees came to Jesus in Matthew 19 looking to have him take sides on the issue of divorce, Jesus, instead, focused on the Father's plan for the husband and wife relationship to be a "forever thing". Jesus said:

" **Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, and said, 'FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH '? "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate**." (Matthew 19:4-6).

Jesus took the statements of Genesis 2 and elaborated on the fact that this was a God-ordained relationship that should not be severed by man. Later, John 17 records how, in His last hours before His crucifixion, Jesus prayed for the unity of the Church—His Bride. Since the marriage family unit was the first institution that God created (before the Church), how important do you think it is for you to be one in marriage?

Now, society tells us all to be individuals. Our celebrity know-it-alls tell us to celebrate our individuality. God, on the other hand, says "be one". The bottom line is that if you are not willing to die to yourself and become one with your spouse, you should not even think about getting married. If you intend for marriage to be a "his and hers" type arrangement instead of an "ours" type arrangement, then don't entertain the notion of marriage---you've bought into the world's system, and you will always struggle to make it work. Why? Because the designer never intended for it to function in this way. If you've ever found yourself in need of a hammer when you only had a wrench in hand...you know what it means to use something in a way for which it was never designed. A wrench does a great job at the role for which it was made---but when I decide to hammer something with it, it becomes an extremely frustrating and, ultimately useless tool. In the same way, if you try to take God's institution of marriage and force it into the world's decision making system, you had better expect frustration and disappointment.

Focus on Duties Rather Than Rights

For the bold among us who jump in with both feet and say, "Yes! I want to be one with my spouse", we need to be reminded of an uncomfortable truth. The marriage union requires that we focus on our duties rather than our rights. The world's pattern focuses on your rights as a partner in a marriage. We have books to show us how to recognize and assert our rights within the marriage. We have seminars and counseling to teach us how to push the right buttons in our spouse in order to communicate to them how important it is that they recognize our rights. The culture tells us that our primary duty is to ourselves and the assertion of our rights.

In contrast, God's design focuses on your duties as a part of a new whole. We'll see, later, how marriage is a picture of the mystery of the relationship between Christ and the Church. We also know how we are to give ourselves to His control because we are no longer our own. We are very familiar with Paul's teaching where he told the Corinthians about Christ's ownership of our bodies:

" **do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own ? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body** " 1 Corinthians 6:19-20.

As devout believers, we readily accept that, and we acknowledge God's ownership of us and our lives. Even though we struggle with living out this truth, most believers acknowledge and accept the ownership, or lordship, that Jesus has over us.

However, we tend to stop reading at the end of Chapter 6. If we continue in Paul's train of thought we learn an important lesson: When we enter into the marriage covenant, we are no longer our own.

He says, " **The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does** " 1 Corinthians 7:4.

The idea is that we willingly choose to give up our rights as individuals and to take on our duty as a part of our holy union. That runs counter to our world, and it certainly opposes the feminist movement that we have seen in our nation in recent decades. We should note, however, that this commitment is between the husband and the wife. Also, this yielding of authority for the husband does not extend to other women, nor does it extend, for the wife, to other men.

Even in the Church, we run away from this type of demand. Yet, God's Word remains constant explaining just how this institution is designed to function. We want to compromise with this requirement and make changes in our outward behavior. Sadly, it is not uncommon for one, or perhaps both, of the spouses to enter this covenant with an idea that they will be able to shape their spouse to suit them while they, themselves, offer up relatively small changes in behavior. Then, we wonder why so many marriages end up shipwrecked on a reef that isn't remotely near the intended destination.

Marriage is Designed for Believers

At this point, many people throw up their hands and begin to explain how it's human nature to take care of our rights. Sure, we'll take on some duties in the marriage, but we're not willing to give up control of ourselves—our very bodies. "It's impossible", we say. The culture around us, for once, agrees with us, and we dismiss this idea and continue grasping for our rights when all the while, God is saying, "Give yourself to your husband. Give yourself to your wife".

This contradiction between God's demands on the marriage partners and the reality of who we are and how we function leads us to one inescapable conclusion. _Marriage is designed for believers._ Because of this willing yielding of our rights, we should understand that marriage is actually an institution for believers only. Why? Because only someone who is indwelled by the Holy Spirit can actually meet the requirements that God has for His institution of marriage---we must die to ourselves.

To live that way requires the kind of empowerment that can only happen in the life of a believer who can say as Paul said in Galatians 2:20:

" **I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.** "

The world may have a relationship that they call marriage, but it is NOT the Biblical institution of covenant marriage. God intends for this relationship to exist within the safety and freedom of marriage. So, it is not a degradation of one sex such as we see among many other religions which relegate their women to the shadows of society. It is a freedom that comes with being wholly committed to your husband and wife and enjoying the security of them returning that commitment.

We often buy into the lie that marriage is a 50/50 proposition. If you believe that, you have been deceived. Marriage has to be a 100/100 proposition. If you intend to hold back anything, you should not enter into this covenant. God created the institution, and He alone can show us how to make it work.
Marriage

Chapter 2 – What was He thinking?

Ephesians 5:31-33; Genesis 2:15-25

We must value marriage simply because God values marriage! God values marriage such that He so honored this covenant relationship between husband and wife that He chose to use it as a picture of the relationship between God, the Son—Jesus Christ, and His bride. In Ephesians 5:31-33, Paul describes how the marriage relationship lets us have a glimpse of the relationship between Christ and the Church.

" **FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. This mystery is great ; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband** "

To minimize the importance of marriage, as our culture has done, is to demonstrate our lack of reverence for God. We have to remember that it was God's idea, and only His approach will work with His institutions. I have counseled people considering marriage and told them, if there is any circumstance---opportunity for great wealth, relationship with another person (even some celebrity with whom you are enamored) \---ANYTHING, no matter how far-fetched---that would make you choose not to be married to this person---DO NOT MARRY THEM! There are many things worse than being lonely and one of them is being married to the wrong person or being the wrong person who is married. We should approach the marriage covenant with the reverence due to the only institution that God compared to the Son's relationship with the Redeemed.

Marriage Pictures the Relationship Between Christ and the Church

We must prioritize it on a level that it is due based on the honor that God has bestowed upon it. We often read about and celebrate the sacrifice that the martyrs of the Church made on behalf of the Church. Rarely, do we even recognize, and scarcely do we celebrate, the husband and wife who sacrifice themselves for the sake of the marriage covenant by which they participate in the institution that God created BEFORE the Church. Sadly, the most common mention about marriage in the Church refers to the struggles that can accompany it or, perhaps, the jokes about either the husband or the wife. Most of us can't remember a statement in church (and almost certainly not an entire sermon) celebrating or acknowledging the holy sacrifices that husbands and wives make for their marriage on a regular basis. Without a doubt, a Godly marriage will be one of mutual sacrifice, and these rare relationships merit our respect and admiration.

We hear many husbands, or wives, say that they would die for the sake of their spouse. Giving your life is an amazing moment of sacrifice. In John 15:13, Jesus taught us that man can have no greater love than the love that prompts him (or her) to lay down their life for a friend. Many of us would, without hesitation, defend our spouse against a physical attack to the point of giving up our own lives. That is an admirable trait and not to be dismissed lightly. Still, it pales in comparison to the more challenging demand that comes with the covenant of marriage.

In my ministry, I have often asked men how they feel about their wife by asking them "Are you willing to live for them?" As honorable as it is that a husband or wife would make a split-second decision to give up their life to save their spouse, it is, after all, for the most part, a single decision that is made at a point in time. It doesn't require me to make that decision over and over again. On the other hand, living your life in honor to the commitment that you made to your spouse, and to God, demands a lifetime of sacrifices made moment by moment each and every day. The problem that comes with this everyday life is that it is just so every day.

The difficulty comes when we have to make that decision at a time when things aren't so rosy—during the times when our spouse isn't so loveable or the times when it's not so fun to be in this relationship. When we wake up to another morning that is far from a "happily ever after" morning, making that decision to live for him, or her, today seems to be a bit too much to ask. When the pressures of life hit us---things like bad jobs, car trouble, illnesses, the many tired days that come after sleepless nights with babies who just aren't sleepy until you have to start your day---the idea of living this particular day for the husband or wife seems downright ludicrous. On these days especially, it is essential that we understand that we will have to make those decisions every day as the enemy will constantly seek to subtly destroy the family.

Marriage the First Institution

We can't overemphasize the importance of the fact that Marriage was the first institution that God created. When you consider that God is a God of order, it becomes clear that Marriage didn't just happen to pop up on the top of God's "to-do" list. The Almighty Creator, who intricately designed our bodies such that your DNA will be unique from any other person on earth, didn't just run out of things to make and decide to see what would happen if He stuck these two opposite beings (who would soon fall into sin----He knew that was coming already) together. The Father deliberately chose to create this mysterious union at specifically the right moment to reflect His priorities.

In 1 Corinthians 14:40, Paul reflected on God's nature of doing things right and in the right way when he told us that, in the Church, " **All things must be done properly and in an orderly manner.** " We may personally struggle to prioritize things, and we know that our government can't figure out what is important and what is not. God, however, does not have that problem. Consequently, when He created the institution of marriage first, it was by design. It was not just "the way it turned out".

Contrary to what the evolutionists tell us, we are not a cosmic accident. Our world was conceived and created by a Holy and Loving God who spoke it into existence. We can see throughout the creation account in Genesis 1 that He spoke and it was. Of all of the institutions that God could have created first, He chose the family. Why? If we look at the nature of God and the manner in which He rules over His creation, we can only conclude that the order of the creation of these institutions was nothing but a reflection of the value that He places on them. Simply stated, He created the family first, because it is the most important.

In our day, we see the timelessness of that truth on display throughout society at large and certainly within the Church. The result is that, if the family falls apart, it doesn't really matter much what kind of church you have, because no one can see the reality of being the Bride of Christ. Unfortunately, in our day of church "professionals" we have a tendency to invest all of our spiritual energy into the congregation to which we belong and to its various ministries while we ignore the primary ministry of the family. There is no doubt that a strong local church is essential for the community, for the states, for the nations, for the Kingdom of God. However, it is just as true that the local church can't be strong if it's made up of spiritually anemic believers from spiritually empty families.

The church can't truly thrive unless the people who make up the body are thriving in their spiritual walk with their family. That's why way back in the days of Moses, we see that God stressed the importance of spiritual instruction and spiritual health in the family. In Deuteronomy 6, we see God lay out the importance of teaching His law.

7" **You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. "8You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead . "9You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.** " **Deuteronomy 6:7-9**

You notice that God's focus was on the home. He could have placed the responsibility for teaching on the office of the priest which He had already created, but He didn't. Instead, the Omniscient Creator of the Universe chose to place the responsibility for teaching children about His Truth squarely on the shoulders of the family. Why? It is because that's where His Kingdom here on earth begins. No matter how wonderful and essential the ministries of the local church can be, they fail when the people who are carrying them out have their lives fall apart because they neglect their family.

God's Priority Must Be Our Priority

If we are going to be followers of Christ, then God's priority must be our priority. What matters to Him has to matter to us, and the order in which we dispense our energy must reflect His priorities. In Matthew 23:23, we see Jesus condemning the scribes and Pharisees as hypocrites because they skipped over what He called " **the weightier provisions** " and focused on the things that were easily seen and quantified. He told them that they shouldn't leave those things undone, but that they should focus on first things first.

It is so easy for us to get caught up into the things that are measurable and that the "spiritual" community admires to the point that the core things, that make those measurable things matter in the first place, are ignored. Well-intentioned, we can take our performance oriented mindset and apply it to our life such that we are constantly involved in doing the "urgent" things that need attention instead of the "important" things that strengthen us, our families and the church to carry out the Kingdom work that the Lord has given us.

The great temptation that we face, as believers, is to reduce our walk with Christ to a series of activities that look "Christian". We often misunderstand Jesus' words that He spoke in the Sermon on the Mount when He said, " **Let** **your** **light** **shine before men in such a way that they may see** **your** **good works, and glorify** **your** **Father who is in heaven"**. We read that, and we hear that we should "shine the light" as if this is to be an activity in which we engage. However, He never told us to "shine". He told us to "let" the light shine. It was as if He were telling us that the shining would be a by-product of the life lived the way He designed and that we are to allow the people around us to peer into our lives and see the awesome work that Christ is doing in our lives. The difference is all about motive. If we are living to "shine", we can easily fall into the trap of giving a performance rather than living an authentic Christian life. When we are focused on living out our walk, especially within our marriages and family, the light will be attractively shining from us. We won't be able to hide the light of a real Christian home in this dark world. Then, when those around us are naturally attracted to it, we have the opportunity to share what our Heavenly Father is doing in our homes.

A vital part of that work is how He establishes and grows our marriages. God's attention to the institution of marriage is clear as He created it first among all human relationships---before children, before government, before even the Church. By doing this, He established a principle that is reflected throughout history----As the institution of marriage goes, so goes society. If God values this relationship so highly, we must do the same if we want to know His peace and His joy and His blessing. That means that if your involvement in a particular ministry causes you to neglect your marriage, you are in the wrong ministry. That is NOT God's calling for you. It may very well be a wonderful ministry that God has ordained; it just isn't for you at least in this particular season of your life. It could be that you are not prioritizing it appropriately and you need to step away for a while. Or, it could be that it is a great ministry that you shouldn't be a part of at all. In working with men's ministry, I've had the opportunity to counsel men as they made decisions about ministry, and I've seen it handled Biblically and unBiblically.

One man had been on several mission trips overseas. He came to me and told me that he wanted to move his family for three years to serve in a role that was perfect for him. My first question was "what does your wife think?". I was thrilled when he told me that they had been talking about it and praying together about it and that it was their decision together. We watched as they sold their house, their cars, prepared to move their children---God worked miracle after miracle to make this happen. Since they started this journey together, it wasn't a surprise when, after their three year commitment, they returned with their family stronger than ever. Why? Because they did God's work God's way.

Unfortunately, it doesn't always go that way. In this same men's ministry, a man who also had made several mission trips, came to me and told me about another mission trip that he was planning to take. It wasn't a long-three year commitment like my other friend. It was just a trip. In his case, my first words were "Don't go!". Why? Well, this man was in the middle of a battle to save his marriage. We had been praying with him for a while. His wife felt neglected by the amount of time he spent on "church things"---mission trips, men's ministry, children's ministry, etc. He was so busy that I had begun to make a point not to even ask him to participate in the service events that the men's ministry did even though he had been a key part. I tried to counsel him to step back for a season and dedicate himself to restoring his marriage.

We sometimes think that we are so essential to God's work that nothing will happen without us...NEWS FLASH...Omnipotent God was in control long before you arrived, and He will be in control long after you are dead. One of the greatest lessons that a pastor ever taught me was the concept of seasons in life. We, being finite creatures bound by time, tend to focus on the moment. That mindset can lead us to take action for God's kingdom, and that's a great thing. However, that thinking can also lead us to never know the peace of simply being where we are---and there will be seasons of our lives when God pulls us away from the front line of the spiritual warfare to heal us and train us or to allow us to heal or train others. Instead, this thinking can cause us to never be satisfied with where God has us now and lead us to ignore His voice as we strain for more and more. When that thinking takes control, we will never experience the joy of living in the season of life in which God has placed us at this specific time, and we won't be able to accept it when God would have us simply be still for a season.

Sadly, my friend was a busy Christian. The things that he was involved in defined him. He was working for the Kingdom, and unfortunately this man chose to go on the trip. It wasn't long after this that a group of us met to pray with him because he was facing divorce. Ultimately, the marriage broke-up. That trip alone certainly didn't destroy the marriage, but the mindset that made the trip "necessary" surely contributed to the slow erosion of this family.

God is NEVER honored when we neglect our marriage for the sake of "ministry". When we do that, we are doing it for ourselves rather than for God. If you don't think so, please explain how you are "nourishing and cherishing" your spouse as Paul instructed in his letter to the Ephesians. What a beautiful picture of a Godly couple we see in the example of Aquila and Priscilla in Acts 18. First in Acts 18:3, we see them hosting the Apostle Paul and working with him. Then, we see them encounter a young teacher named Apollos. In Acts 18:26, we read of their tremendous contribution to the mission of Christ. Here, Luke describes Apollos' ministry " **he began to speak out boldly in the synagogue. But when Priscilla and Aquila heard him, they took him aside and explained to him the way of God more accurately.** " What an AWESOME example of a Godly couple having an impact for the cause of Christ. You'll note that they didn't strike out on a missionary journey. They filled their role where God had planted them.

Marriage is the Ultimate Commitment

The relationship that God had in mind when He created marriage requires the ultimate commitment. Since God's word explains marriage in terms of the relationship that Christ has to the Church, we understand that we can get a sense of the commitment that He expects between husband and wife by looking at His expectations of the Church. What does He expect?

First, a biblical marriage requires singular devotion. Jesus told us in Matthew 6:24 " **No man can serve two masters"**. Nothing can compete with your devotion to your marriage if you are to enjoy the relationship that God designed for you. Your hobbies, your career, your church, even your children---all have to come after your devotion to your spouse. You'll find that once you have that spousal relationship in order, your relationship with your children will be strong too. Your ministry in the local church will be effective, rewarding, fruitful and strangely attractive to those around you who just don't understand how you do what you do with such joy. Your work life will thrive as you are able to be at peace as you carry out your assignments. Even your leisure time will be more refreshing as you enjoy that time with the support of your spouse.

Next, a biblical marriage requires self-sacrifice. In Matthew 16:25, described the cost of being His bride when He said, " **whoever loses his life for My sake will find it** ". If you enter the marriage covenant to have your needs and desires met, you're headed for a frustrating and empty experience. The marriage relationship that Jesus patterned in His relationship with the Church is one that is built on sacrifice. We are to willingly lay down our rights and desires for the benefit of our spouse. It's probably true that if couples honestly considered this before the wedding day, many would choose to stay single. It is certainly not our nature to live sacrificially, and to do so when the other person isn't acting in the same way will require the empowerment of the Holy Spirit and a commitment to this life of sacrifice.

Finally, a biblical marriage requires perseverance. – Luke 9:62, " **"No one, after putting his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.** " Just as we give our lives to Christ when we become a part of His bride, the Church, in the same way we give our lives to our spouse when we enter into the holy union of marriage. If you haven't entered into it, you need to consider the weight of that commitment before you do. If you have entered it, you need to understand what you promised to your spouse, to yourself and more importantly, what you promised to God. If you are going to live like this, you must follow-up the leaving, that we talked about before, with cleaving.

In Genesis 2:25, where God first describes the concept of Marriage, He follows up the command to "leave" with the command to "cleave" (in the KJV). In many translations, this word is rendered as "be joined" to describe how a man and a woman are to come together in marriage unity. I like the word "cleave" because it stands out of our normal vocabulary and causes us to pay attention. The Hebrew word does indeed mean "join" or "cling" or "stay close"----you get the idea. God is telling us that the two lives are to become so intertwined that they become one. Before you jump to conclusions and begin raving about losing one's identity, remember a few things. First, the One who says this gave you your identity in the first place. Second, nothing in this union takes away from who you are. Instead, it takes the best of you to fill in the gaps of your spouse while the best of your spouse fills in the gaps in you.

Cleaving Creates a Three-Fold Union

Now, to be clear about this process, we must understand that cleaving creates a three-fold union. First, there is a Spiritual union. Paul spoke of this spiritual bond in 1 Corinthians 6:15-17:

" **15Do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her?....16For He says, "THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH." 17But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him.** "

Now, to understand this, we must understand that the covenant that we enter into with marriage has three parties-husband, wife and God. If you don't understand this, you are not ready to be married. This union that God designed is intended to be an eternal bond between two eternal, spiritual beings. To remove God from the equation of marriage is to deny the very nature of the bond and render the relationship something other than what God created. We are not at liberty to define marriage as we wish. Whether you accept the truth of God's Word about marriage is simply your decision as to whether you will oppose Almighty God. This spiritual component of the marriage relationship is the essence of what God means when He says, we "become one flesh". That is why God places such a high importance on what goes on at the spiritual level.

Next, cleaving creates an emotional union. King Solomon referenced the joy that comes in this relationship when he gave the counsel " **rejoice with the wife of your youth** " (Proverbs 5:18). There is no sense of comfort, well-being, joy, blessedness that compares with the emotional lift that comes from that one with whom you are one. This emotional union causes the husband to find joy in seeing his wife thriving, and it causes the wife to know joy when she sees her husband thriving. Together, the couple knows joy with each other that is not remotely comparable to the emotions that come as a part of any other relationship. I can't explain it, but I know what it means. When I see my wife coming across a crowd, there's a joy that is indescribable just to be back in her presence.

Finally, cleaving creates a physical union. The account in Genesis 2:25 describes the physical union that God made inherent in the marriage relationship. God said, " **the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.** " He created them differently, then He told them to " **be fruitful and multiply**..." (Genesis 1:28). God left them naked and unashamed in each other's presence or in the presence of God Himself. Only after sin entered the picture in Genesis 3:9-10, did shame become associated with the idea of nakedness between the husband and wife. By design, God intended for this husband/wife relationship to be a physical union in which sexual intimacy was the norm rather than the exception. While we have perverted that bond today, God's plan does not cast a dirty light upon the physical relationship within marriage. In fact, we will see when we look at the Song of Solomon, this physical intimacy is encouraged and celebrated by God. Within the marital union, it is an act of obedience for the husband and wife to rejoice in the union that God created.
Marriage

Chapter 3 – Him/Her-Both His Creation

Genesis 2:7-25

As we dive into this marriage relationship and how it is designed to function, it is important for us to understand the make-up of the two pieces that God is uniting to make one flesh. Although we live in a culture that makes every effort to ignore, and even eliminate, the differences between the two pieces, God's Word makes it clear that He specifically intended to create two separate and unique entities and then join them into a complete union that we refer to as a marriage. If we can grasp this very simple and obvious truth, we can then begin to understand a little bit of what distinguishes each piece of the couple (the female and the male). After we recognize and appreciate the distinctions between the male and the female, we can peek into the mystery that God introduced when He conceived of this institution of marriage and family.

Most of us tend to understand things better when we have some idea of the beginning of that thing, or concept, or idea. We want to try to wrap our brains around the origin of the thing we are contemplating. So far, we have established that the marriage institution was created by God shortly after He created man. Shortly thereafter, He proclaimed that it was not a good thing for the man, whom He had created, to be alone. Because of that, He created the woman to complete the union that He had ordained as the first institution in His creation.

If we race through the account in Genesis that provides the details of how the man and woman came to be and how they came to be joined, we miss some important information. When we form our view of the institution of marriage on top of a foundation which is lacking some key elements of the story, we are bound to reach some inaccurate conclusions. Since we then compound this faulty foundation by building on it with ideas that are structurally corrupted by a fallen world, it is little wonder that we arrive at a confusing view of marriage. Simply put---we take in all of the twisted messages of a society that, in large measure, ignores the Creator then we mix that with our basic foundation that is flawed by our lack of accurate information such that we end up with ideas that would be laughable if they were not so tragic.

To remedy this sad state, let's go back to that foundation and see what we can do to repair our faulty understanding. We can start this by understanding how the two parts of this union came into being. While most of us could provide a satisfactory explanation of how men and women are conceived, born and matured today, many of us miss the point when we look at the original couple, Adam and Eve. Casual readers of the Bible assume that they were both created in much the same way, and it is this casual assumption that lays the first flawed piece of the foundation of our understanding of marriage. Some (maybe many) people will be shocked to learn that the man (Adam) and the woman (Eve) actually came into being through quite different methods, and we will aid our understanding of the union of the two immeasurably if we grasp the ways in which these varying methods translate into the characteristics that we inherit from this first couple still today.

God Formed the Man

Since God began with the man, let's start with him. Many of us have joked that God started with man so He could practice before He made the more aesthetically pleasing woman. Obviously, the Creator had no need to practice, but men would readily agree that His second person is infinitely more beautiful than the first. When we put humor aside, though, we can see that God did indeed create the man, the male, first, and it is important to note the words that God uses to describe His process.

In Genesis 2:19, we see that God "formed" the beasts of the field and birds of the sky. The word that was used means "to form, to fashion, to frame". It is important to note that this is the same word that was used to describe how God formed man in Genesis 2:7. Both the man and the animals were formed from the ground. I'm not sure what that says about us (as men), but we need to understand it if we are going to understand the role that the man is to play in the marriage union.

The Hebrew word for "ground" used in this passage gets its root from the word Adam, so clearly God made a connection between the man and the earth. Paul referred to this in 1 Corinthians 15:47 when he described Adam saying, " **The first man is from the earth, earthy** ". Matthew Henry points out that God could have made man from gold dust, diamond dust, the dust of pearls---but He chose to make the man from ordinary, common dust. If we keep that in mind as we continue to study the role that God gave us, it will be pretty easy to keep from becoming arrogant. As Isaiah said, "our righteousness is as filthy rags".

When we're tempted to feel very prideful, we should remember that we are made from the stuff that we now wipe away and throw in the trash. In fact, in Nehemiah 4:2, Nehemiah used the same word to describe the rubbish that was found in the destroyed walls around Jerusalem. When God described the curse after the fall, He told Adam, " **for you are dust, and to dust you shall return** " (Genesis 3:19). The Creator could have simply spoken the man into existence. After all, He did that for the stars and the planets. In fact, for the majority of the Creation account in Genesis 1, we see God speak, and then things just are. Surely, Almighty God didn't need raw materials to use to make the man. Still, He chose to use one of the most basic things that He has made – dirt – as the building block for the man.

The Creator decided to create the body of the man (whom He was creating in His own image) from the ground which He had already created and declared good as we see in the Creation account. As amazing as the body that He created is, the physical body for the man was only a part of what God did when He created the man. The second chapter of Genesis tells us that God also breathed a soul into the man. It is important to notice that God did not breathe into animals the "breath of life". That was reserved for man, and it reflects the connection that the Creator intends to have between Himself and His people. In doing this, God created a unique link between Himself and this man that He had created.

Job's friend Elihu was a lousy counselor, but he did have it right when he explained the role that the "breath of God" plays in our life. He said in Job 34:14-15, " **If He should determine to do so, if He should gather to Himself His spirit and His breath, all flesh would perish together, and man would return to dust.** " Solomon referred to this gifting of the man with a spirit in Ecclesiastes 12:7 when he described the end of this life for man, " **Then the dust will return to the earth as it was: and the spirit will return to God who gave it** ". This "breathing" instilled in man the eternal soul or as verse 7 calls it the "living soul". That is the part of us that will live forever either in the presence of God in Heaven or separated from Him in hell. This breath of God instilled this image of God into the man. It made this man capable of rational thought, capable of making choices---choices which carry eternal significance as we choose whether or not to obey the Creator.

As we begin to grasp how the man was made, we can start to consider his function. He was created with an amazing physical body that includes a brain that processes information at incredible speeds. The fastest computers pale in comparison to the power of the human brain. The body was created with strength and dexterity, the combination of which is unmatched in the rest of creation. Yet, the man was created with a spirit and a mind to govern this body.

Many of us have a cartoonish view of paradise where we float on clouds doing nothing. That certainly was not in the Creator's design for the man He created. God intended for man to work (Genesis 2:8, 15). Some have falsely taught that work was a result of the curse due to the fall into sin. In Genesis 2:8, we see that " **God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man** ". Then, in verse 15, we read, " **And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it** ". Work did get harder after the fall.

In Genesis 3:17-19, we see the ways that work changed after the fall.

17 Then to Adam He said, "Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you, saying, 'You shall not eat from it';

Cursed is the ground because of you;

In toil you will eat of it

All the days of your life.

18"Both thorns and thistles it shall grow for you;

And you will eat the plants of the field;

19 By the sweat of your face

You will eat bread,

Till you return to the ground,

Because from it you were taken;

For you are dust,

And to dust you shall return."

First, the ground was cursed. No longer was the ground ideal for growing things and supporting the Creator's creation. Now, the ground would have thorns and thistles. Before the Fall, work was rewarding and joyful. Now, work would be " **in sorrow** ". Our fallen world knows the labor of work, but joy in work is relatively rare because of the sorrow brought on by the fall. After the fall, work would require " **the sweat of thy face** ". As difficult and unpleasant as work can be now, still, work was intended to be a part of life for the man. You will notice in verse 17, the description of the increased labor was addressed to the man. The verse begins, " **Then to Adam He said** ", and it goes on to explain the change in the land by saying " **in toil you will eat of it** ".

With this in mind, God created the man to be stronger physically. You will note that it was the man that God placed in the Garden to work before the woman was created (Genesis 2:15). Also, notice that God addressed Adam when He described the increased labor that would result from the curse. In Genesis 3:17, the account reads, " **Then to Adam He said...** " before going on to describe the more difficult physical challenges that resulted from the fall into sin.

Clearly the Creator intended for the man to bear the increased work burden that came as a result of sin. When Peter referred to the woman as the " **weaker vessel** " in 1 Peter 3:7, he used a Greek word that refers to physical strength. It was not a reference to character or any other "flaw" in the woman. It was simply a reference to the fact that God had made the male to be physically stronger.

God Built the Woman

Like the man, the woman is God's Creation. However, His approach was different. The Bible tells us that God built the woman from flesh. In Genesis 2:22, we see that God "fashioned" the woman. He didn't "form" her; He "made" her. This word means "to build, to establish, to cause to continue". Because He "made" the woman, God established her as unique among His living creatures and made her an essential part of the family that He was ordaining. It's also interesting to think about the Incarnation of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. When the time came for the Son of God to take on flesh, through whom, did He accomplish this? It wasn't the dust-man. It was the rib-woman. It was the woman who played a part in the Incarnation of the Savior to be our Redeemer.

You will notice also that the woman here is the only one of the living creatures that was not formed from the ground. This made her unique and special. So, right away we see one of the primary differences that endures today, and we can see how foolish it is to try to say that there is no difference between man and woman. Adam said, " **this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman** ". He recognized the difference and was thrilled about it.

We can clearly see that we are fundamentally different even in our composition. The woman was built from the rib of the man, so her origin was flesh and bone. The man, on the other hand, was formed from dirt. Now, ladies, you can see why dirt doesn't bother us like it does you. When we're in dirt, we're just going back to our roots. It feels pretty natural for us to be covered in dirt.

When we consider the woman, we should understand that God created Eve for Adam. Genesis 2:22 tells us that God " **brought her to the man** ". Paul explained this in 1 Corinthians 11:8-9 " **For the man does not originate from woman; but woman from man. For indeed, man was not created for the woman's sake, but woman for the man's sake.** " God designed His creation such that the wife was made for the husband. She was to be an extension of the man's work of fulfilling God's call for the man.

Over the years, I have counseled many men who told me of the call of God that they felt on their lives. I always share with them a lesson that my Men's Pastor taught me, "If God didn't call your wife too, then He didn't call you". She was united with you as one flesh, so it is impossible for God to call you to separate things. In Matthew 19:6, Jesus explained that it was God that joined you together. Surely, you can't believe that the God that joined you now wants to tear you apart.

As this incredible, unique creation, the wife is a crown for the husband. Solomon said in Proverbs 12:4, " **An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.** ". In Job 2:9, we see Job's wife give him such encouraging counsel "... **curse God and die** ". That's not exactly the kind of crown that the husband needs. But, it is amazing what it means to the husband to have the love, respect and support of his wife. As God designed us to be one flesh, we can understand how the wife's actions toward the husband can either lift him to heights he never imagined or they can plunge him to depths the likes of which he can't even describe. The yielding of such a huge piece of himself should stop any man from entering into the marriage covenant lightly. At the same time, the wife must take seriously this sacred trust and guard it carefully. Solomon was right on point when he painted such a vivid picture with his words in Proverbs 21:19:

It is better to live in a desert land

Than with a contentious and vexing woman

Whether we admit it or not, the wife holds a part of the husband that no other person in the world can touch. No one else can give me comfort and courage and strength for the tasks ahead quite like my precious wife. When a husband lacks that, when the wife chooses to be a discourager rather than an encourager, according to Solomon, it would be better for that poor man to be living in the middle of the deserts in Death Valley. You'll never see a man stronger than the one who is lifted up by his wife. On the flip side, you'll rarely see a more pitiful creature than the husband who is one flesh with a contentious woman.

This is a great power that God has given to the woman. When it is used lovingly, the husband thrives. Paul explained it to the Corinthians by saying, " **the woman is the glory of the man** " (1 Corinthians 11:7). This is certainly not intended to suggest a degradation of the wife. Instead, it is to place her in a position of honor. No one in their right mind would treat a crown carelessly. Far from it. The crown is treasured. As Paul described it to the Ephesians, the husband " **cherishes** " it.

It is critical that we understand that the building, the fashioning, of the woman required a sacrifice. In Genesis 2:21-22, we see that God chose to use a rib of the man, Adam, to create the woman.

21So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place.

22The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man.

Could He have simply formed her as He had done the other living creatures? Absolutely! But, by taking the rib from the man, having him give up a part of himself for her to be built, God established interdependency and a commitment between the two. Because she had cost Adam something, she should be treasured, and there should be a commitment to the lasting relationship. It is amazing how little we value something that costs us nothing while we cherish those things that require us to sacrifice something. It's like the story of the chicken and the pig. The chicken goes to the pig and says, "Let's open a restaurant". The pig agrees and asks, "What will we serve"? The chicken says, "we'll serve ham and eggs. You provide the ham, and I'll provide the eggs". The pig responded, "no thank you. You'll only be invested, but I'll be committed".

As we should, Adam acknowledged his connection to Eve. With vision unclouded by sin, Adam described Eve as "bone of my bone"-Woman. Adam recognized his connection with the new helper. He immediately understood that he and God's newest creation were inextricably linked to each other. Later on, Paul builds on this connection to teach husbands how they are to care for their wives.

**28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;** **29** **for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church** Ephesians 5:28-29

It is clear that when the man cares for his wife, he is caring for himself. When he neglects her, he neglects himself. He recognized her as special—"Woman". When Adam made this statement, it may have been the first beauty inspired compliment as he admired the craftsmanship of the hands of God. Surely, his wife had captured his heart.
Marriage

Chapter 4 – Him/Her-Different Roles, Equally Treasured

Genesis 2:7-25

As we begin to understand the unique way in which the Creator choose to design the husband and the wife, we should, pretty naturally, conclude that these special characteristics that are inherent in each of them prepare them to fill specific roles within the family and within the church. The assignment of these roles is a reflection of a few different principles.

First, the fact that some roles are assigned specifically to the husband while others are assigned to the wife clearly arises from the orderly nature of the Creator. God's Creation is filled with an amazing range of systems, organisms and forces. From the smallest atom to the largest celestial bodies, we don't see chaos. On the contrary, as we grow in our understanding of the world, we can observe the principle of order throughout everything that we see. When we think microscopically, we begin to grasp the orderly composition of the atom. We can understand how the neutrons are related to the protons, and we never object to the fact that the proton performs a particular function. We don't insist that the neutron be allowed to do the job of the proton. Why? Because there is order at the microscopic level of our world. At the level of the cosmos, we trace the path of stars and planets, and we count on the certainty of their order. We understand time based on the rotation of the Earth every 24 hours while we mark our days by the Earth's revolution around the Sun every 365¼ days. There is order at the cosmological level, so we wouldn't dream of insisting that the Sun revolve around the Earth so that it can have its turn in the center. Why? Because there is order at the cosmological level of our world. Our God is so concerned about order that, through the Apostle Paul, He gave instruction to His Church that everything should be done "properly and in an orderly manner". In that same letter to the Corinthian Church, Paul explained that our God is "not a God of confusion". It would be shocking if our orderly God were to have looked at the various responsibilities that would exist in the family and decide just leave it up to chance or just let the couple figure it out in whatever manner suited them. Given His orderly nature, it should not surprise us that God would assign specific roles to the two parties in His most important institution.

The other principle that is clear in the assignment of roles is that God consistently designs His creations for their intended function. Throughout His Creation, we see engrained characteristics are paired with roles. The Moon's magnetic trait is uniquely suited for controlling the tides on Earth. Though man doesn't understand exactly how, the bumble-bee's design allows it to fly. In His infinite wisdom and creativity, the Creator equips each of His creations to fill the role which He has in mind. Never will we be more satisfied than when we are fully engaged in activities that fit the talents and abilities that God has given us. On the other hand, few things are quite as frustrating as struggling through a task for which you are simply not equipped.

We would be foolish to think that He, for some reason, abandoned this fundamental principle of design when He created the institution of marriage. Still, our culture has embraced a mindset that denies the uniqueness of the roles the God has defined for the husband and the wife. In the Church, we create great confusion when we try to merge the culture's ideas regarding interchangeable roles within marriage with a Biblical worldview. While it may be popular or trendy to twist the Scriptures, or reinterpret them to make them "relevant", we do so at our own peril as we propagate a weakened Church devoid of even a basic understanding of the wonderful structure that God has given us for the family.

God Gave the Husband Specific Roles

As we look into the functions that have to be accomplished within the family, we must understand that, when He created the family God gave the husband specific roles. The first of these roles relates to the spiritual nature of the family. We can see this clearly when we see God's first interaction with Adam and Eve after the fall:

7Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings.

8They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9Then the Lord God called to the man, and said to him, "Where are you?" 10He said, "I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself." 11And He said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?" Genesis 3:7-11

You will note that when God came to Adam and Eve in the Garden, He didn't address them as a couple. He didn't address Eve (even though she ate from the fruit first). No, He called out the Adam saying, "Where are you"?. Why did He do this? It's really quite simple. As God has designed the marriage institution, the husband is to be the spiritual leader in the home. It's obvious from reading the creation account that Adam had been given the instruction about the tree of the knowledge of good and evil directly from God in Genesis 2:16-17. However, there is not an indication that Eve had ever received that instruction directly from God.

With that in mind, it is clear that Adam owned the responsibility for teaching Eve this commandment. If we look at the conversation that Eve had with the serpent in Genesis 3:2, we can see that she was at least able to reply with a summary of the commandment about the tree. From the Scripture, we're not clear on whether Adam was an ineffective teacher or whether Eve was a poor student. We do know that the result was failure. The family fell into sin, and, ultimately, that lands at the feet of the husband.

As we look into the New Testament church, we can see how the Apostle Paul explained how this role translates into the proper functioning of the church and the home as it relates to spiritual instruction:

34The women are to keep silent in the churches; for they are not permitted to speak, but are to subject themselves, just as the Law also says. 35If they desire to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is improper for a woman to speak in church.

Paul made it clear that the husband was responsible for teaching his wife. The Greek word for "women" in this passage can be translated as either a woman in general or as a wife. However, in the context, it is clear that this refers to a wife, because Paul specifically references the husband in verse 35 as being responsible for the spiritual instruction. Now, we should be careful about this instruction for the women to "keep silent" that we understand it in context. Notice that this passage follows 1 Corinthians 14:26-32 where Paul was giving instruction about prophecy and speaking in tongues (essentially, speaking for God since, at this time, there was no completed Bible---note that since we now have the completed Scripture, there is no need for anyone to speak for God, in terms of new truth, because He has already spoken).

So, Paul lays out the principle for orderly instruction in the church to avoid confusion as he states in both verse 33 and 40. Paul explained this same principle in 1 Timothy 2:

11A woman must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. 12But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet. 13For it was Adam who was first created, and then Eve. 14And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression.

Earlier in this same passage (1 Timothy 2:4), Paul had made the statement it is God's desire that " **all men to be saved** ". In this passage, Paul uses the Greek word "anthropos" which refers to mankind. Obviously, this is not a male/female distinction as God wants everyone to be saved. However, when we get to verses 11-14, Paul uses different words. He uses the word "gune" (goo-nay) as for the woman which is clearly a term referring to a female. Then, he uses the word "aner" (an-ayr) for the man which specifically references the male.

As Paul explains the instructional role that the husband is to fill, he references the scene that we see unfold in the Genesis account of the Fall. The Genesis account makes it is clear that Adam was responsible for the spiritual instruction in the family. When Paul teaches this principle, he explains that Adam was not deceived by the serpent, but Eve was. However, we must remember, though, when God came to deal with them, He spoke to Adam as the person who was responsible for communicating the commands of God to the wife. There really isn't any Biblical room for misunderstanding that Paul is teaching that the woman is not to take authority over the man. Instead, God holds the man accountable for ensuring that his wife understands the Truth of God. If I, as a husband, fail in this role, it doesn't matter what else I may succeed doing. I may have a successful career. I may have acquired great wealth. I may have tremendous influence in the community. I may even be recognized in the church for my service. Still, if I've failed to instruct my family in the truth of God, then I have failed.

In addition to being the spiritual leader in the home, the husband is to be the protector of the wife.

23For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. ..25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, (Ephesians 5:23 & 25)

The word that Paul uses in verse 23 for "Savior" literally means "preserver". He goes on to remind us that this role of protector mirrors what Christ did for His bride---He " **gave Himself up for her** ". It is clear that husbands are required, by God, to lay down their lives for their wives in the same way. This means physically protecting her. Regardless of what society may tell us about a strong woman--she may be strong, but God still holds you accountable. So...that means that you, husband, are to be the one that gets out of bed and checks out that strange noise in the middle of the night.

Spiritually, the husband is to be in constant spiritual warfare for the wife. If you don't think the enemy is out to destroy her, you are fooling yourself. We have an enemy that is constantly and aggressively, as Peter wrote " **seeking someone to devour** ". In the animal kingdom, the predators look for the unprotected member of the herd to take down. When the lone sheep gets away from the shepherd, it's in great danger. In the same way, if you leave your wife unguarded, the enemy will pounce. You must live your life as Paul described in Romans 12:1 as a " **living sacrifice** " daily recommitting yourself to the task of protecting that treasure of a wife that God has given you.

That's really where the struggle lies---in the "daily" part of this requirement. It's been said that the problem with "living" sacrifices is that they keep crawling off the altar. So many of us husbands run into trouble because the everyday duties are just so "everyday"! On the days when we feel strong, we take on these duties with passion, but on the days when we're tired and worn down, it is infinitely more difficult to remain at the task. During those seasons when work is not all that we want it to be, we must still guard our homes. When the demands of parenting drain our energy, the duty remains ours. When the wife is less loveable than normal, the husband must remain vigilant—perhaps then more than ever as the enemy seeks to use that to drive a wedge of division into the family.

The scenario is similar to when we go on a cruise. The ship's captain is in charge. He bears the ultimate responsibility for guiding the ship to its destination and for ensuring that the passengers are well fed, entertained and safe at all times. He's in charge, but he is there to serve us. He is a servant-leader. He is expected to "go down with the ship". As the husband, you have no role that is more important than being the head of the home. If you fail there, you are a failure no matter what successes you may have in other areas of life. The bad news is that you, husband, can never fulfill this role in your own strength. The good news (the Gospel message) is that you don't have to. Because you are empowered by the Holy Spirit, you are equipped and enabled to be the protector of the wife and the family.

In addition to being the spiritual leader in the home and the protector of the wife, the husband's other major role is to be the provider for the wife. In our day, this is a hotly debated topic that can evoke strong emotional responses. Still, the Bible is clear in this teaching. During the creation account, we can see that God created the man, Adam, after stating that there was no man to cultivate the ground:

5Now no shrub of the field was yet in the earth, and no plant of the field had yet sprouted, for the Lord God had not sent rain upon the earth, and there was no man to cultivate the ground.

6But a mist used to rise from the earth and water the whole surface of the ground.

7Then the Lord God formed man of dust from the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being. (Genesis 2:5:7)

In Genesis 3, after the Fall, it was the husband, Adam, that God addressed when He described the labor of providing for the family:

17Then to Adam He said, "Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you, saying, 'You shall not eat from it';

Cursed is the ground because of you;

In toil you will eat of it

All the days of your life.

18"Both thorns and thistles it shall grow for you;

And you will eat the plants of the field;

19By the sweat of your face

You will eat bread,

Till you return to the ground,

Because from it you were taken;

For you are dust,

And to dust you shall return." (Genesis 3:17-19)

There is no doubt that the responsibility for providing was clearly placed on the husband if you notice that God references a couple of things in this statement that were unique to Adam. First, He addresses Adam directly about being led astray by Eve in verse 17. Then, in verse 19, God tells Adam that he will work the ground until he returns to the dust from which he was taken. If we remember that Eve was built from Adam's rib, not taken from the dust, then we can have no doubt that this provider role was to be filled by the husband.

In the New Testament, we see the Scriptures reinforce the importance of the man providing for his family. Paul explained this in 1Timothy 5:8:

But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Certainly, this is not intended to diminish the skills and talents of the wife. Nor is this to be construed as an indictment of a wife who holds a job. Clearly, Proverbs 31:13-21 describes a wife who is industrious and plays an important part in the welfare of the family. The wife can be a tremendous help in the provision for the family. Ultimately, though, the responsibility for providing for the wife, and the family, lies with the husband. In his first letter to Timothy, the Apostle Paul gave clear instruction about how the church should provide for women who were widows (1 Timothy 5:3-16). In this passage, Paul goes to great lengths describing the manner in which widows are to be cared for by the church and the behavior that is expected of them:

  * Practice piety (verse 4)

  * Prays (verse 5)

  * Above reproach (verse 7)

  * Was a faithful wife (verse 9)

  * Known for good works (verse 10)

  * Hospitable to strangers (verse 10)

  * Served the church (washed the saints' feet – verse 10)

  * Helped those in distress (verse 10)

  * Younger widows were to **"get married, bear children, keep house, and give the enemy no occasion for reproach"** (verse 13)

It's interesting to note that Paul never instructed the widow to get a job or earn a living. It's also striking that the Bible never gives instruction for the church to take care of a widower, a husband whose wife dies. We don't see any instruction about how the church should feed this man, but we do see where Paul told the Thessalonians " **if anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either** " (2 Thessalonians 3:10). The critical idea here is the reference to the "will" or the "intention". So, Paul is referring to a man choosing not to work. He is not referring to someone who can't find work. He refers to someone who chooses not to work. Since this man is responsible for himself and his family, the Scripture paints a pretty harsh view of the man who shirks this role of provider.

The husbands of today face a hostile world that sends confusing and contradicting messages about the proper roles of the husband and men, in general. It is so easy for us to gravitate to extremes in our response to this pressure. Some choose to frantically chase the prevailing opinions of the moment and attempt to transform themselves into whatever the latest expert says a husband should be. Running on that endless treadmill is exhausting, frustrating and, ultimately, fruitless. On the other end of the spectrum, we have the husbands who have just conceded defeat. Some of them are weary veterans of the cultural treadmill who have realized the futility of trying to match the ever-changing "model" male. Others never even tried to run at all. All of them have arrived at the same place-defeated by the demands of the world on them.

The refreshing news for husbands is that these are not the only choices. We can choose to follow God's plan. We can accept the roles that He defined:

  * Spiritual leader in the home

  * Protector of the wife and family

  * Provider for the wife and family

These roles are truly daunting tasks if one considers taking them on in his own strength. However, when we embrace them as roles assigned to us by our Creator, we can rely on His Spirit to give us the strength to meet the obligations of these roles. Incredibly, when His strength is accomplishing these things through us, only then can we experience the true joy that the Father intended for us in this sacred institution. It is at that point when the husband is in step with God's plan for him that he opens the door for the wife to know the fulfillment and purpose that can come only when she fills the roles that God has prepared for her.

God Gave the Wife Specific Roles

When we shift our focus to the wife, we can see that God has assigned crucial roles to her. First, the wife is to be the creator of the home. Remember, in God's design, the home is the most important institution, and God places the wife squarely responsible for its condition. What a position of honor the Father has designed for the wife. He has entrusted the jewel of His Creation to the stewardship of the wife.

When the Apostle Paul wrote to Titus, he gave instruction about how the church is to provide instruction about the management of the home. He begins with instructing the older women and then moves on to explaining how they are to pass along their wisdom to the younger women:

3Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, 4so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. (Titus 2:3-5)

One of the phrases that gets a lot of attention, particularly as it relates to careers, is the phrase " **workers at home** ". For some people, this phrase immediately conjures up images of a housekeeper dusting, vacuuming and so forth. While a wife may do some of these things (as should anyone living in the home), the role that Paul is describing is not house cleaning. In the truest sense, this is "home-making". This is family management. Proverbs 31:10-31 paints a wonderful picture of the great responsibility that this represents and the praise that should be afforded to the wife when this is done well.

10An excellent wife, who can find?

For her worth is far above jewels.

11The heart of her husband trusts in her,

And he will have no lack of gain.

12She does him good and not evil

All the days of her life.

13She looks for wool and flax

And works with her hands in delight.

14She is like merchant ships;

She brings her food from afar.

15She rises also while it is still night

And gives food to her household

And portions to her maidens.

16She considers a field and buys it;

From her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17She girds herself with strength

And makes her arms strong.

18She senses that her gain is good;

Her lamp does not go out at night.

19She stretches out her hands to the distaff,

And her hands grasp the spindle.

20She extends her hand to the poor,

And she stretches out her hands to the needy.

21She is not afraid of the snow for her household,

For all her household are clothed with scarlet.

22She makes coverings for herself;

Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

23Her husband is known in the gates,

When he sits among the elders of the land.

24She makes linen garments and sells them,

And supplies belts to the tradesmen.

25Strength and dignity are her clothing,

And she smiles at the future.

26She opens her mouth in wisdom,

And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

27She looks well to the ways of her household,

And does not eat the bread of idleness.

28Her children rise up and bless her;

Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:

29"Many daughters have done nobly,

But you excel them all."

30Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,

But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.

31Give her the product of her hands,

And let her works praise her in the gates.

When we examine this, we will notice that this wife is about far more than cooking and cleaning. We see that she might be involved in real estate and farming when verse 16 describes how she buys a field and plants it.

The description also emphasizes the great care with which she approaches this role. She is tremendously diligent about this important task. " **She rises also while it is still night** " Proverbs 31:15; " **Her lamp does not go out at night.** " Proverbs 31:18. She represents the family in helping the poor and needy. Proverbs 31:20 tells us, " **She extends her hand to the poor, and she stretches out her hands to the needy** ". The family knows security because they are safely in her care. " **She is not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her household are clothed with scarlet** " Proverbs 31:21. Verse 27 reminds us of the way in which she prioritizes her family in her life as it describes how, " **She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness** ". Her family thrives as she is an encourager in the family. " **She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.** " Proverbs 31:26. At the same time we should note that she is not called upon to neglect herself. In fact, she adds to the beauty of the home by taking care of herself. " **She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple** " Proverbs 31:22. What an amazing and challenging job description.

Our society tells us that a wife is selling herself short by taking on this role. They tell us she is not being all that she could be and that she isn't using her talents and ability. Obviously, from the scriptures, God disagrees. In Proverbs 31:29, the Word compares the woman who manages her home well to those who have done "great/important things". It says, " **Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.** " The Hebrew word for "daughters" refers to a young woman obviously not married with a family. The verse says that a lot of these young, unattached women have done "virtuously". That Hebrew word for "virtuously" is actually a masculine noun that refers to wealth, force, strength, might. It is used 56 times in the Bible to refer to an army and 37 times to refer to a man of valor. If we put it in our modern context, we'd look at the career woman and say, "she's come a long way baby" or "I am woman, hear me roar".

What does God say? He looks at the woman who has dedicated her life to His most important institution and done it well and says, " **you excel them all** ". He weighs the one that has done "mighty" things against the wife who has built a successful home and tells the wife, "You've beat them ALL". It is interesting that the Hebrew word for "excel" means "to climb", "to be exalted". As is always the case, we are lifted up when we take the road that the world tells us is beneath us. Jesus told us that the path to greatness requires humility " **Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.** " Matthew 18:4

Does that mean that it is wrong for the woman to work outside the home? Clearly not. In this Proverbs 31 description of the excellent wife, we see several examples of her using her skills and abilities in an occupational type setting:

16She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard.

24She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies belts to the tradesmen.

The overall teaching of the Scriptures shows us that the question of where and when the wife works is a matter of priority. We've said, over and over again, that if the husband is not managing the home well FIRST, he has failed. In the same context, if the wife's career interferes with her ability to manage her home, then she has failed. Any work/career outside the family must take a backseat to the most important role that God has given the wife-being " **workers at home** ". In God's design, that is NOT a statement of limitation or degradation. It is a statement of honor and exaltation. No CEO position in the world compares. None of them carry with them the honor that God gives to the wife who manages her home well:

" **30Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. 31Give her the product of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.** " **Proverbs 31:30-31**

It is only the unbiblical worldview that views this role as anything other than the Queen of the Home. Far from being a position of subservience, the position of wife/queen of the home is a prestigious role demanding a most capable person. In God's view, He uniquely created the wife to thrive in this position, and the family, the community and the world all benefit when she embraces this challenge.

In addition to her role in managing the home, the wife is to support and participate in the family's ministry. In the New Testament, we see a great example of this wife's role in the family ministry in the story of Aquila and Priscilla. We can't ignore the fact that these two people are now one by virtue of their marriage covenant. Because of that, we must see that God has given THEM a ministry and a calling---TOGETHER. Obviously, different ministries require different roles for each of the spouses. For example, if the wife is involved in women's ministry as described in Titus, the husband will play a supporting role rather than a direct role in the women's retreat. Similarly, the wife will support the husband's work with other men, but she won't be directly engaged in the ministry to the other men.

Finally, we arrive at the role which causes the most heated debate within the church. This is the wife's role of submission to the husband.

22Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:22-24)

5For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; 6just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. (1 Peter 3:-6)

We should notice that the wife's submission is not to all men. It is directed only toward the husband who is called to love her sacrificially. It is in this context of mutual love and sacrifice that Paul gives instruction that the woman is to " **quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness** " (1 Timothy 2:11). The Greek word for submissiveness means "obedience". Nothing in this teaching implies that the wife is to submit to the instruction of any other man. It is within the safety of the marriage covenant that the wife is to yield to the leadership of the husband.

The husband bears the responsibility for leading the home. In Ephesians 5:23-24, Paul tells us how the wife is to relate to his responsibility and respond to his leadership:

23For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

In verse 24, the Greek word translated "head" refers, literally, to the physical head of a man or animal. Metaphorically, it refers to the person responsible for leading any relationship, and Paul makes that clear when he ties it to the relationship between Christ and the church. None of us would question that Christ is to lead and govern the church. With that in mind, we have to see that Paul is using that same term and this illustration about Christ and the church to describe the leader/follower relationship that is to be in place between the husband and wife.

After considering the roles that God has designed for the marriage relationship, it's hard to imagine how anyone could argue that the union that He describes is exclusively for those who have committed their lives to Christ as their Savior. The demands for service, sacrifice and humility far exceed anything that any of us would be willing to do of our own accord. It is only the husband and wife who have submitted themselves to the leadership of the Holy Spirit who can even begin to live out the plan that God has for this sacred institution. As believers, we dare not apply society's worldview to our marriage as a replacement for, or even as a supplement to, the pattern that God has provided in His Word. As much as His ways seem foreign to our flesh, the success of His way is clear in the Scriptures, and, though rarely seen, this success stands as a shining beacon of hope through the lives of those families that choose to follow Him.
Marriage

Chapter 5 – Physically Spiritual and Spiritually Physical

Thus far in our journey, we've looked at how the man and the woman were created. We saw the intentional and specific manner in which God uniquely crafted the two human pieces that make up His marriage covenant. We have dug deep into the Scriptures to see how the Father uniquely assigned roles to us that leverage the way He designed the family to function. Some of what we've observed came as no surprise. After all, the Creation account is reasonably well known, at least at a surface level. Still, some of what we've seen in God's Word has surprised us, and no doubt, left us somewhat uncomfortable. That's not because the truth that we've seen is difficult to understand. On the contrary, it's precisely because it is so clear, and so contradictory to what we see every day, that we are quite challenged as we wrestle with applying the truth to our lives.

Our next step promises no relief, at all, from this unsettled feeling. Now, we're faced with the truth about how the Creator intends for the two individuals, the man and the woman, to become one. It's far more than a partnership. To properly understand it, we must remember that the kind of relationship that God describes is His Word demands that those who enter into it be willing to deny themselves and put their mate ahead of their own wants and needs. The Scriptures often describe this as dying to ourselves for that phrase comes the closest to describing the sacrifice that He intends for His children to make in this institution. For that reason, as we've said before, it's clear that only those who have committed their lives to Christ, and are empowered by the Holy Spirit, can hope to fulfill the obligations of this covenant.

Spiritual, Emotional and Physical Union

When we think about the staggering level of commitment that God expects from those who enter into the marriage relationship, we're not terribly surprised to see that this covenant unites us on many levels. Indeed, God designed the husband and the wife for a union that is spiritual, emotional and physical. As these three aspects are integral to the relationship, we can't turn them on and off. We can't choose to be spiritual and ignore the emotional and physical components of the relationship. At the same time, we can't be all about the emotional and ignore the spiritual and physical sides of the relationship. Then, a purely physical perspective is not workable as it ignores the spiritual and emotional parts of our lives. Try as we may, there is simply no way of separating who we are as spiritual, emotional and physical beings bound together in this covenant of marriage.

We've already talked, at length, about the emotional and spiritual roles and the oneness that God intended for us to enjoy. In the Genesis Creation account, we can see how God made the physical union inherent in the marriage relationship.

27God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. 28God blessed them; and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, (Genesis 1:27-28)

24For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. 25And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:24-25)

We can see that He purposely created them differently. He told them to " **be fruitful and multiply"** , and He left them naked and unashamed in each other's presence or in the presence of God Himself. It was only after sin entered the picture that shame become associated with the idea of nakedness between the husband and wife.

7Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings.

8They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9Then the Lord God called to the man, and said to him, "Where are you?" 10He said, "I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself." (Genesis 3:7-10)

By design, God intended for this husband/wife relationship to be a physical union in which sexual intimacy was the norm rather than the exception. While we have perverted that bond today, God's plan does not cast a dirty light upon the physical relationship within marriage. Sadly, we, in the Church, tend to stay away from the topic of physical intimacy, and we leave people to look to the world for any teaching on the subject. This is a tragic and avoidable error, because we have the inspired Word of God available to us, and He has a lot to say about the topic. Scripture makes it clear that God designed "oneness" such that the physical relationship is a key component.

In our corrupted society, the world tends to divide into two unbiblical camps: Hedonism or Victorianism. Since these are "unbiblical" philosophies, holding to them means that we have missed the mark. The biblical word for missing the mark is "sin". We'd rather say that we are confused or that we misunderstand, but the reality is that when we chose to live our lives, or establish our beliefs, based on a view that opposes God's Word, we have sinned. We have missed the mark for what God intends for us. Still, when it comes to the topic of physical intimacy, people tend to choose one of these two extremes.

When we think of Hedonism, we think of the "no boundaries camp". Obviously, we can all point to almost unlimited examples of the inappropriate sexualization of any number of products and ideas. To point out that this is sinful isn't all that surprising, but what might surprise us is how accepting of this we might all have become, even within the Church. The obvious example of this is to point to the men and the stereotypical ogling that happens in any number of scenarios from the internet, to televisions to movies. There are any number of ways in which this "no boundaries" mentality can creep into our everyday lives. Remember, stereotypes are only stereotypes because there is some element of truth to them.

It's easy for the ladies to feel kind of smug after they read that, but they shouldn't. If we look at the number of "chick flicks" that are marketed every year, we'll find that they have the same sin present in their lives...the same inappropriate images and thoughts. The difference is that they wrap theirs up in a "touching" or "romantic" story. The bottom line is that the outcome is the same---an illegitimate play toward the legitimate human need/desire for physical (sexual) intimacy.

Victorianism is the equally sinful other extreme. This philosophy views sex as an inherently "dirty" activity. Often, people seeking to justify this view will point to the Hedonistic lifestyle as reason for their thinking and some even try to rewrite the Genesis account to somehow tie the Fall of man to sexual activity. While this view may be more accepted in "nice" circles or within the Church, it is still wrong and, as it is a deviation from God's design, it is sin.

As we see in the Genesis account, God left the man and woman naked and went through the trouble to point out the fact that they were not ashamed. He had already given instruction that they were to reproduce. He left the husband and wife naked and unashamed clearly for the purpose of enjoying the pleasure of marital sex. It is only when it is perverted that it causes problems. As we so often do, rather than listen to God's instruction, we create our own "zero tolerance" type policies and try to deny the manner in which God created us. That just leaves us frustrated and burdened with the weight of trying to meet physical and spiritual needs for sexual intimacy through secretive or dishonest means.

A reasonable analogy for this is the simple liquid – water. Nothing is more satisfying than a cool glass of water when you're thirsty. Nothing can replace warm water for bathing. Hot water is essential for many of our meals. Yet, just a little bit of water misplaced into our lungs will kill us---we will drown. In a similar manner, sex within God's defined institution of marriage is satisfying, cleansing and essential. It's when we take it out of that context and force it into a place He never intended that we suffer the pain of misuse of one of God's gifts. It is tempting to infer that this points to moderation, but that's not the point. The point is the proper use of the gift. It's about putting the gift into the proper place---within the marriage.

Sex is a Physical and Spiritual Activity

As believers, it's easy to make the mistake of dividing our lives into the sacred and the secular. Because we are children of God, our sex life is both a physical and a spiritual activity. Paul made this connection very clear in his first letter to the Corinthians. Now, most of us in the Church are familiar with 1 Corinthians 6:19-20:

19Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? 20For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

We Bible teachers use that verse frequently when we talk about how our lives, our very existence, belongs to God. However, we rarely point out the complete context for Paul's comments about you not owning yourself. If we look at the verses that come just before these two great verses, we see that he is addressing the problem of fornication in the Church.

13Food is for the stomach and the stomach is for food, but God will do away with both of them. Yet the body is not for immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body. 14Now God has not only raised the Lord, but will also raise us up through His power. 15Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be! 16Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, "The two shall become one flesh." 17But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him. 18Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. (1 Corinthians 6:13-18)

In this passage, Paul explains that, after we accept Christ, we take Him with us in everything that we do, because it is impossible for us to separate our lives into sacred activities (in which Jesus is welcome to participate) and secular activities (in which we think He has no interest). According to Galatians 2:20, as a child of God, Christ now lives in me. Because He does live in me, He, necessarily, accompanies me in everything that I do. That makes everything that I do into a sacred activity. From mowing the grass to Sunday morning worship, Jesus is in all of it.

As he paints this picture regarding sexual activity, Paul clearly draws from the Creation account in Genesis 2:24 (" **For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh** " and from Jesus' teaching about two becoming one in Mark 10:9 " **What therefore God has joined together".** Then, he points to the physical action of sex being a key part of the spiritual reality of "becoming one". In this context, Paul talks about the sinful joining of one's self to a prostitute, and he teaches us that Jesus is a part of this physical "joining together" (in verses 15-17), because we are already one with Him when He becomes our savior.

The word that Paul uses for "fornication" is the Greek word "porneia" from which we get the term "pornography". It simply means "illicit sexual intercourse". Then, Paul tells us the gravity of this sin and how it is different from every other sin---it is " **against his own body** ". The key here, in the context of our study, is to understand that sexual activity is a physical action that cannot be separated from a spiritual action.

Authority Over Our Body

In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul sheds some interesting light on another facet of the marriage relationship:

This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:32)

If we understand marriage as a picture of Christ's relationship to the Church, as Paul described it, we can see that God's design requires that we give our spouse authority over our body. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul continues in his thought about Christ controlling our lives, and he addresses a question that the Corinthian church had posed to him about marriage and sex. Paul tells them that it is fine for a person not to marry, but then says in doing this, they must avoid sexual sin. Then, he explains the proper place for sexual gratification and the role that this plays in the marriage covenant.

2But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.(1 Corinthians 7:2-5)

If we read the Word in context, as we always should, we see that in this passage, Paul tells us some surprising things. First, we should realize that we have a physical duty to our spouse. 1 Corinthians 7:3 tells us " **The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband** ". When we enter this covenant the physical expression of oneness is a duty which we accepted. Like any other duty, Paul didn't include a provision for our moods in his instructions.

As surprising as this disregard for our mood may be, the next lesson that Paul teaches us truly rubs against our self-determining bent. He tells is that when we gave ourselves away in marriage, we gave away ownership and control of our body. In 1 Corinthians 7:4, Paul addresses the ownership question by saying " **The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.** " It may be difficult for us to grasp, but we have to remember that God designed marriage to be a union of a man and a woman who become one such that her needs and desires are his needs and desires; while his needs and desires are her needs and desires. We should notice that the order is different in these two passages. When he speaks of ownership, Paul references the wife first, and when he speaks about duty, he references the husband first. I think this makes it clear that this is meant to be mutual. Neither is first in both ownership and duty; both husband and wife are to excel at both. The Message paraphrase captures the intent quite clearly " **Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.** " It is really this mindset of service that is central to everything that makes up a biblical marriage.

We have to understand that we gave away control when we entered the marriage covenant. This giving away of control is indeed scary. It fights against everything in our nature, and it requires tremendous trust between the husband and the wife. Frankly, it is only possible within the safe bounds of a spirit-led marriage relationship. This demand on us should be enough to make us pause and think before we decide to get married. Are we willing to give control of our life to this person with whom we are about to walk down the aisle? This spouse is to have an ownership of us that is second only to the ownership interest that Christ has in us. That is God's design for this relationship and why He must be the third partner in the covenant.

It's easy to see that Scripture stands in stark contrast to our world's view that "it's my body and I'll do what I want". In 1 Corinthians 6 and 7, we learn that, as a Christian, we have given ourselves to two owners: first, Jesus owns us, because we've been " **bought with a price** "; then, our spouse owns us because we gave ourselves to them voluntarily when we entered the marriage covenant. Jesus bought His ownership interest in us with His blood, and we gave away an ownership interest to our spouse when we entered this marriage covenant. Simply put, we don't have the "right" over our own body, but we do have a "responsibility" to our spouse.

God designed this physical intimacy as such a part of the life of a married couple that He intended for the interruptions of that facet of the relationship to be very limited. As designed, abstaining from marital sex is only permissible for a time of mutual fasting and prayer:

Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:5)

Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. (1 Corinthians 7:5-The Message).

Paul tells us that the only acceptable reason for a healthy spouse avoiding sexual intimacy is for a time (that word indicates an appropriate length of time) of fasting and prayer and that this time must be with the consent of your spouse. If your spouse isn't participating in the fast, you'd better find another form of fasting. If your spouse is participating in the fast, you should mutually agree to the length of the fast. The fact that you are more interested in watching the ball game, or going hunting or fishing isn't a Biblical excuse. The fact that you'd rather watch television or do whatever your favorite hobby is, won't fly. The fact that you didn't reserve some of your energy during the day for the purpose of your union with your spouse is not an excuse.

Since we gave ourselves to our spouse when we entered the marriage covenant, it necessarily follows that we are stealing when we withhold ourselves from our spouse (1 Corinthians 7:4-5). Paul tells us that when we do that we are "depriving" our spouse. The King James Version uses the word "defraud" to describe this behavior. Why is it depriving or defrauding them? It is because we are withholding something that is theirs. As foreign as the idea is to us, we have to be reminded that we gave ourselves to our spouse.

Paul explained another reason why this is so important. Not only is this affection important because we are not our own, but it is also crucial in any couple's battle with temptation. Paul instructed us, that even after a period of fasting from the intimacy of marriage we should " **come together again so that Satan will not tempt you** ". He is saying it simply: _Deprivation leads to sin_.

Husbands, if you don't have the time or energy to pay attention to your wife physically, you can be sure that Satan will bring someone across her path who will. God's Word says she will be tempted, so don't fool yourself into thinking that she won't.

Women, if you don't have the time or energy to pay attention to your husband physically, you can be sure that Satan will bring someone across his path who will. Again, Paul warns us that the enemy will tempt him.

Because we have a great tendency to overlook key facts and to go to extremes, we are compelled to emphasize a couple of common sense caveats at this point. First, it is clear from the context of Scripture that this teaching is clearly directed at healthy spouses. Surely, no spouse engaged in a sacrificial, loving marriage is going to consider themselves cheated if there are periods of time when the physical intimacy is limited because their spouse is experiencing some illness. This would seem obvious, but our propensity for twisting the Word to suit our whims makes this clarification necessary. Second, we should note that while one spouse may be failing in this area of physical intimacy, it is not an excuse for the offended spouse to seek fulfillment outside of the marriage covenant. While it certainly increases risk and makes it far easier for the enemy to tempt us, we are still empowered by the Holy Spirit to resist temptation, and we are clearly commanded to abstain from illicit behavior. We must remember that Paul told the Corinthians " **But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him. Flee immorality"** (1 Corinthians 6:17-18).

Physically Attracted to Our Spouse

Given the Bible's indisputable emphasis on physical intimacy within marriage, it is obviously God's intention for us to be physically attracted to our spouse. When we open the Song of Songs, we need to first get one rule of Biblical interpretation established in our minds---when the plain sense makes sense, seek no other sense. All too often the Church has hidden behind Victorianism and has tried to take what is obviously a love song and turn it into some kind of allegorical reference to Christ and His bride (the Church). While we are certainly His bride, and we are certainly awaiting our marriage feast with Him, you have to do a lot of twisting of His word to come to this understanding when we read this love song-this expression of physical love within the context of marriage.

If we just read the Word as it is written, we can see the bride is attracted to her husband. In this ancient love song we see repeated descriptions of the couple's attraction to each other. The bride describes her thoughts about the groom:

May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! (Song of Solomon 1:2)

My beloved is to me a pouch of myrrh which lies all night between my breasts. Song of Solomon 1:13

How handsome you are, my beloved, and so pleasant! Indeed, our couch is luxuriant! Song of Solomon 1:16

Let his left hand be under my head and his right hand embrace me. Song of Solomon 2:6

10"My beloved is dazzling and ruddy, Outstanding among ten thousand.

11"His head is like gold, pure gold;

His locks are like clusters of dates and black as a raven.

12"His eyes are like doves beside streams of water,

Bathed in milk, and reposed in their setting.

13"His cheeks are like a bed of balsam,

Banks of sweet-scented herbs;

His lips are lilies dripping with liquid myrrh.

14"His hands are rods of gold

Set with beryl;

His abdomen is carved ivory inlaid with sapphires.

15"His legs are pillars of alabasters eet on pedestals of pure gold;

His appearance is like Lebanon choice as the cedars.

16"His mouth is full of sweetness. and he is wholly desirable.

This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem." Song of Solomon 5:10-16

At the same time, the husband is captivated by his bride. He also doesn't hold back on expressing his attraction to his wife:

Most beautiful among women. Song of Solomon 1:8

1"How beautiful you are, my darling,

How beautiful you are!

Your eyes are like doves behind your veil;

Your hair is like a flock of goats

That have descended from Mount Gilead.

2"Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn ewes

Which have come up from their washing, all of which bear twins,

And not one among them has lost her young.

3"Your lips are like a scarlet thread,

And your mouth is lovely.

Your temples are like a slice of a pomegranate behind your veil.

4"Your neck is like the tower of David,

Built with rows of stones on which are hung a thousand shields,

All the round shields of the mighty men.

5"Your two breasts are like two fawns,

Twins of a gazelle which feed among the lilies.

6"Until the cool of the day when the shadows flee away,

I will go my way to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of frankincense.

7"You are altogether beautiful, my darling, and there is no blemish in you. Song of Solomon 4:1-7

Solomon and his bride expressed the kind of passion that most of us felt during the courtship period and through the "honeymoon" period of the marriage. Sadly, when the realities of life begin to creep in on us and our spouse becomes familiar to us, it is very easy to let the romantic flame burn low such that we overlook that spouse that once made our heart race with excitement when she walked into the room. We can begin to take our spouse for granted so that his phone calls become routine rather than the highlight of our day like they once were. Though Solomon's personal life was certainly not exemplary as we can learn in the Old Testament, he did have some wise counsel for his son regarding the proper view of his wife.

When Solomon sat down to share his wisdom with his son, his counsel reflected the danger of immorality and the physical satisfaction that is to be present within the marriage covenant. We can find this wise instruction in Proverbs 5:15-19:

15Drink water from your own cistern

And fresh water from your own well.

16Should your springs be dispersed abroad,

Streams of water in the streets?

17Let them be yours alone

And not for strangers with you.

18Let your fountain be blessed,

And rejoice in the wife of your youth.

19As a loving hind and a graceful doe,

Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;

Be exhilarated always with her love.

He describes this strategy for defeating the temptation of adulterous behavior by immersing ourselves in the love of our spouse. Men should choose to view their wife as their bride and consciously think of her as the "wife of your youth" that Solomon described. The wife should make the choice to see her husband as that groom that captured her heart. The Word is clear about the enduring quality of our love and attraction for our spouse that we should grow stronger in through the years of marriage.

It takes a great desire to twist scripture to miss the obvious truth that these descriptions are not allegorical. They are not a description of "dirty" things. Instead, God's Word emphasizes the importance of physical affection within the marriage relationship. It is not a small, unimportant or trivial thing. God says it is key to us being "one".

Marriage Requires Grace

As we continue to add layers to our understanding of the responsibilities, even the demands, of marriage we come back over and over to the simple truth that living out God's design for marriage requires grace. Chuck Swindoll wrote "Marriage is a continual exercise in unselfishness. Because grace gives without expectation, we must be willing to lay aside our own rights and focus our energies on fulfilling those of our partner".

Paul summed up marital love very well in the "love chapter"—1 Corinthians 13. In 1 Corinthians 13:5 he described the humble grace that we will need to live out this life of physical love with our spouse saying that it " **does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered"**. The key is that love " **it does not seek its own** ". This principle is central to any success that we can ever have in physically living out the spiritual aspects of our union while spiritually living out the physical aspects of marriage. When we lay aside our desires and sacrificially love our spouse, we will see that there truly is no division of our love into separate pieces. Instead, the terms "spiritual" and "physical" become descriptions of the beautiful bond that God has created between the husband and the wife.
Marriage

Chapter 6 – Mom and Dad – Dirtiest Job

Deuteronomy 6:1-8

As we look at the marriage covenant, we can't leave out one of the things that will tremendously impact the way that we live out our marriage. This crucial piece of our lives is the joint role that we take on as parents. Nothing will bring quite the same joy as raising the children with whom God has blessed us. At the same time, nothing will require as much time and energy and, at times, cause quite the same stress, as parenting. Because the job of being a parent can be so difficult, it's certainly not for the feint-hearted. It can be a dirty job, and, contrary to what some in our society would tell us, it is always best performed by a husband and wife, joined as one, lovingly raising their children in a Godly home.

The job of being a parent can certainly be intimidating, and sometimes, it can be absolutely terrifying. This is especially true as we consider the consequences that are associated with our success or failure as parent. It is truly an overwhelming assignment that really can't be fully understood until you're in the middle of the spiritual warfare that is inherent with raising a family. The sacrificial love that is required between the husband and wife will be tested as they extend that love to the children whom God has entrusted to their care. All of what we've learned about caring for and nurturing the sacred union will be exercised when we add "parent" to the list of roles that the married couple fill. Lest we think this demanding description is a bit overblown, let's get an overview of what God's Word has to say about the couple's role as parents.

Parental Influence Extends for Generations

The first concern that we have with any job is to understand its importance. When we take on any task, either on our jobs, at the church or at home, we need to know how critical it is so that we can prioritize it within our lives. No matter what we are doing, we constantly have to make choices about how best to spend our time and energy based on what is most important. Parenting is no different. As we consider how to prioritize, we must acknowledge that our influence as parents extends for generations.

1"Now this is the commandment, the statutes and the judgments which the Lord your God has commanded me to teach you, that you might do them in the land where you are going over to possess it, 2so that you and your son and your grandson might fear the Lord your God, to keep all His statutes and His commandments which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be prolonged. (Deuteronomy 6:1-2)

In the sixth chapter of the Book of Deuteronomy, we see a succinct guide to parenting that should set the framework for the way we approach this daunting task of raising children. The passage begins with pretty simple instruction that is intended to have us see that its purpose is to bring about obedience in our lives and the lives of our children and grandchildren. This principle of the generational impact of our actions appears throughout God's Word. We continually see references in Scripture to the way that our lives influence the generations that follow:

3"You shall have no other gods before Me.

4"You shall not make for yourself an idol, or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth. 5You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate Me, 6but showing lovingkindness to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments. Exodus 20:3-6

'The Lord is slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness, forgiving iniquity and transgression; but He will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generations. Numbers 14:18

That word "visit" in the Hebrew has a variety of meanings but the general meaning is "to observe, to pay attention to, to look out for". In other words, God is not saying that He holds the children and grandchildren responsible for the sins of the parents. He is, however, saying that the consequences of our lives will be passed on to our descendants. The Message paraphrase puts it well when it refers to the consequences of sin " **extending the fallout of parents' sins to children into the third, even the fourth generation**."

Here in Deuteronomy 6, we get to see the positive side of the influence that our lives will have on our descendents. We must understand that we do NOT live unto ourselves, and we can neither obey nor sin in a vacuum. The enemy will never remind us of the enduring impact of our sin. Conversely, it is often difficult for us to see the eternal consequences of the positive choices that we are making each day. Thankfully, we have a gracious Heavenly Father who provided some fairly specific instruction.

God's Word is the Key to Success in Family Life

He explains in this passage that His Word in our family life is the key to success. We may learn much from people around us. Our own parents may model traits that we will find of tremendous value as we take on this role of parent. Ultimately, anything that we learn must line up squarely with the Truth if we are to be successful:

3O Israel, you should listen and be careful to do it, that it may be well with you and that you may multiply greatly, just as the Lord, the God of your fathers, has promised you, in a land flowing with milk and honey.

4"Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! 5You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. (Deuteronomy 6:3-6)

As God designed the family, He intended for the Word to first reside in us as parents. This means that it will be central in our thinking and in our motivation. We filter any advice or instruction that we may receive through the prism of the Scriptures. When we must choose convention or the principles of God, His Truth must be the guide. Only then can we hope to see our families in the place that God has for us.

As we evaluate the "success" for our family, we have to define the criteria that we will use to measure the results. Of course, the world has its ever-changing "must haves" when it looks at families. If we've spent much time on that endless treadmill, we know that following after the world's approval will result in us simply chasing the wind. In the Body of Christ, we have to see success in terms like the "blessed" description that Jesus used in the Beatitudes (Matthew 5:3-11). It is not a "happiness" based on the circumstance. Rather, it is the assurance of knowing that we are on the right path with God. In the context of Deuteronomy 6 and our responsibility as parents, it is the assurance of knowing that our family is rooted in the right relationship with God.

The Best Teaching Method- A Godly Life

Now that we understand the importance of the job and the source of our instruction, we need to figure out how we can communicate this truth that we are commanded to pass along to our children. How do we teach them the things that God says we must teach them? The answer is simple but not easy. A godly life is the best teaching method.

Since children learn best by the lives they see before them, it means that parental teaching must be sacrificial. Moses gave some very profound instruction to parents:

7You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. 8You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. 9You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. (Deuteronomy 6:7-9)

This term for diligently in the Hebrew literally means "to sharpen". Though children will have many teachers in their lives, the parents are to be the most important ones. Our teaching is to sharpen or refine our children. Solomon used a similar thought we he wrote " **Iron sharpens iron** " (Proverbs 27:17). The idea is that the teaching of God's principles has the effect of grinding away the unwanted parts. As we have lived out our lives and watched as God has ground away parts of us that we needed to discard, we understand that this grinding, while simple, is not easy.

As we apply this to people, particularly to our children, we must remember that it takes time. Teaching our children is not a one-hour tutorial. No weekend seminar will do the job. No cramming study session will finish the job of teaching our children. It will take years.

It may be because it will take up so much of our lives, or it may be because it takes so much of us, or it may be both---if we are to do it well, as God commands, teaching is going to be sacrificial. Grinding has an impact on the thing doing the grinding as well as the thing that is receiving the grinding. If you sand something, the item gets smoother and more useful, but the sandpaper gives up some of itself with every stroke. In the past couple of generations, parents have evolved into the "me generation" such that the idea of being used up and spilled out for the purpose of raising Godly children is not embraced. In fact, we are told that we need to actively address our needs regardless of the way it impacts our children. We see this in every arena from politics to the church to the economy to our recreational activities---parents aren't really all that interested in sacrificing their wants and needs for the sake of raising Godly children. The result is shattered families and broken children.

If we are to avoid this casualty of the refusal to teach sacrificially, we have to understand that our teaching is better caught than taught, and it is this very process that requires sacrifice. Notice the specific ways of teaching that Moses packed into the seventh verse of Deuteronomy 6:

  1. When we sit in our house

  2. When we walk down the street

  3. When we lay down to rest

  4. When we rise up to work

Essentially, as we go through our daily lives, we should be teaching our children about how to walk with God. Bible lessons are great, and we certainly should do that, but it is interesting that God first emphasizes the teaching that happens as we go through life together and your children see you walk with the Lord. They see how you handle times when you are wronged. How do you respond? Do you seek revenge or do you offer forgiveness? Do they see your integrity when you remind the waiter that he undercharged you, or your lack of integrity as your business dealings are less than ethical? Do they see you make commitments and then honor them, even when it's inconvenient or even when it seems trivial? Does your word mean anything? In short, your children see the reality of the Word of God in your life long before you open your mouth to teach them the Word of God. Frankly, if they haven't seen evidence of the Word in your life before you open it with them, you're probably confusing them more than helping them as they are left to wrestle with the contradiction between what you read to them and the way that they see you live.

If the teaching is going to stick, the principles that guide your life must be obvious. When you make it clear whose you are and you guide your life by His principles, it's easy for your children to see the reflection of the Lord in your life. Moses explained it to the children of Israel by saying, " **You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead**." (Deuteronomy 6:8) That word for sign in the Hebrew means "a distinguishing mark; a banner; a remembrance". In other words, you let the world know to whom you belong (God) in such a way that they can predict your behavior. Your children will know what to expect from you because they see you consistently guided by the Truth of God. This verse describes it as " **frontals on your forehead** ". In other words, we first stake out our claim as to what we believe (it's a sign to the world). Then, we keep God's Truth as the guide to our decisions – He guides our lives.

When you do that, you are recognizing that God's place in your home must be as the master. You must establish your home as a place where God is Lord and Master. He will not sit in any other place other than Lord. Deuteronomy 6:9 describes how that looks by instructing us in how to handle the principles of God, " **You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates**." Some have taken this to mean to literally have Scripture passages decorating their home, and that's not a bad idea at all. More importantly though, you must establish your home as a place where God reigns and where His Word governs the way that the family lives. As Joshua put it " **as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord** " (Joshua 24:15)

Discipline as the Heaven Father Disciplines

As we live out this choice of letting God lead our home, we, as a married couple, as a father/mother team will face another challenge, or stress, on our marriage. We see that play out when our children, much to our surprise, begin to disobey. They look so innocent when we're rocking them to sleep as infants, but then, somehow, they learn to rebel against us. We are sure that we never taught them that! It's hard for us to face it, but we must. We must come to terms with the fact that even our precious children were born with that same sin nature that we have, and as such, they are wired to rebel. Because of that, we are instructed to discipline our children the way that our Heavenly Father disciplines us.

In our modern world, we constantly are told by the so-called experts how we are to raise our children. We were told that "it takes a village" by one misguided first lady. We're told that spanking children is abusive and not effective anyway. And...we've watched as children become more and more violent and rebellious We've gone from a time where the main problems in school were chewing gum, talking and running in the hallways to a day in which school children have to have drills to teach them how to respond in the event that one of their classmates starts shooting.

In Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, He drew a parallel between the way parents take care of their children and the way the Heavenly Father takes care of us (Matthew 7:7-11). He states a premise that few parents would dispute regarding simply meeting basic needs for our children. Then, He explains how much more our Heavenly Father loves us and cares for us, and how He is far more able to meet our needs. Later, in Hebrews 12:5-11, God describes His disciplinary method, and since He is the perfect Father, it seems pretty clear that His way works best.

you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons,

"My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,

Nor faint when you are reproved by Him;

6For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines,

And He scourges every son whom He receives."

7It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? 10For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. 11All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. (Hebrews 12:5-11)

If we pattern our child-rearing after the model that our Heavenly Father provided, we can see that discipline is intended to impact the will, the body and the soul. The Greek word translated as "discipline" in verse 5 has a deep meaning. It refers to the whole training and education of children. It relates to the cultivation of the mind and the morals. For this purpose, it uses commands and admonitions as well as reproof and punishment. It also includes the training and care of the body, and it cultivates the soul by correcting mistakes and controlling desires. The writer of Hebrews made it clear that discipline is not simply an event. It is a lifestyle that is closely tied to the teaching role that was described in Deuteronomy. Then, he goes on to describe three elements, or stages, of parental discipline and how God uses them with us.

The first stage of discipline is conviction. In Hebrews 12:5, the Bible teaches us how to respond to the Heavenly Father's use of conviction in our lives. The verse instructs us not to " **faint when you are reproved by Him** ". The word "reproves" means "to convict". That is seen by many in today's culture as an archaic word that really doesn't apply. Sadly, this misconception regarding this biblical concept results in so many of us missing out on the early correction of our sin which allows us to slip further into the behavior that leads us farther away from God. The Father intends for this type of correction to prompt us quickly to turn away from our disobedient behavior and restore our intimate relationship with Him as we return to obedience.

When we apply this to our job as parents, the idea is that the first stage of disciplining a child is the same as God takes with us---teaching right from wrong. Paul said in Romans 7:7 "... **I would not have come to know sin except through the Law** ". The Law taught him what was wrong. In the same way, parental discipline begins with teaching, so that conviction can occur when children miss the mark. It is crucial to remember, conviction and guilt are TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Guilt offers no plan for restoration and leads to shame. Clearly, this is from the Accuser, Satan. Conviction shows the path to reconciliation and leads to repentance. This instruction comes from our Heavenly Father through the person of the Holy Spirit. In fact, this is one of the key actions that Jesus said the Spirit would perform. He said, " **when He comes, will convict** " (John 16:8). The intent in this first stage is instruction.

The second stage of discipline is a verbal plan of correction. Hebrews 12:6 describes the next stage saying, " **those whom the Lord loves He disciplines** ". The word "disciplines", in verse 6, means "to chastise or castigate with words, to correct; of those who are molding the character of others by reproof and admonition". This clearly follows on the Biblical model of conviction, because it includes instruction about how to change not just the outward behavior but the character that produced the behavior. This stage of discipline recognizes that it is not enough to change just the outward behavior, because that will change the minute the child perceives that they are out of the immediate reach of the parent. Instead, this stage is a plan to change the heart. This principle is based on the truth of what Jesus said in Luke 6:45:

" **The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart** "

The disciplining of the child must reach deeper than their actions. The aim of discipline is to convince the child to change at the heart level. Change of this type impacts the way the child views the world around them as well as the manner in which they make decisions. When this type of change takes place, the proper behavior results from an obedient heart rather than from a desire to avoid getting caught.

Unfortunately, the teaching and the verbal correction don't always convince the child to obey, so we have to move to the next level. In God's model of child rearing, the third stage of discipline is painful. Hebrews 12:6 describes the way that the Father handles this by saying, " **He scourges every son whom He receives** ". The word "scourges" brings with it the idea of "inflicting pain". Solomon wrote, " **Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him.** " (Proverbs 22:15). For some, this is hard to accept, but loving our children will, at times, require this level of correction. Solomon counseled us. " **He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.** ")Proverbs 13:24)

We can debate whether spanking is appropriate if we want to, but God has already settled the issue. Just as the previous stages of conviction and correction are certainly not intended to communicate an approval of parents who degrade their children through verbal abuse, this instruction to spank our children is not an excuse for physically abusing a child. As with every phase of our lives, we must be under the control of the Holy Spirit. Remember the "meekness" that Jesus referred to in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5:5 was talking about power under control. Almost everyone has heard about situations in which abusive parents have twisted this Biblical teaching in an effort to defend their inexcusable and sinful abuse of their children. Clearly, that is not the intention of God's disciplinary plan. We made the point earlier that marriage, as we are describing it, can only be lived out by a spirit-empowered believer. That also applies to the use of godly discipline. If we are under the control and leadership of the Holy Spirit, abuse will never be a problem. If we choose to parent in our own strength, we will surely misuse every form of correction.

As His children, one of the key things that the Father's discipline should teach us is that if we don't discipline our children, we don't really love our children.

" **7It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons." (Hebrews 12:7-8)**

Simply stated, if we love our children, we must love them enough to give them the discipline that they will need to keep them from ruining their lives. Our Heavenly Father loves us with a perfect love, and He has given us a very clear pattern for raising our children. It's not always the most convenient or the easiest at the moment, but loving discipline yields lasting rewards for the parent and for the children.

As valuable as the discipline pattern of the Father is to us as parents, it is important to note that the way in which we administer His plan is not a uniform checklist. Since children are as different as their fingerprints are, we must understand that it is customized parenting that produces lasting results. Proverbs 22:6 says " **Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.** "

When we read this profound truth, we should remember that the Proverbs are principles not precepts. Principles speak to standards for life. They are generally true but not without exception. Precepts are absolutes without variation such as " **You must be born again** " (John 3:7). With that in mind, we should not take Solomon's counsel as a promise that overrides the child's will to choose whether to obey God. Rather, it is intended to show us that this approach to teaching our children will put the child on the right path, give them the right tools or worldview, that lead to a fulfilling and obedient life.

Looking at Solomon's words, we do see some wonderful counsel. In the Hebrew, the phrase " **in the way he should go** " is better translated "according to his bent". This means that our parenting must be customized to bring out the best of the unique gift that is our child. It is not a one size fits all solution. In John 4, we see Jesus patiently lead the woman at the well to understand the nature of God and what worship means even before He let her know that He knew she was living with a man who was not her husband. In contrast, He got right to the heart of the matter with the rich young ruler in Luke 18:18-23 and challenged him to sell everything for the Kingdom of God. On the surface, it would seem that the demands placed on the ruler were far greater than on the woman. In truth, what we see is Jesus reaching out to each one of them precisely where they were with exactly the words that they needed. The responses from the two people were different, but the Lord reached right to the heart of both.

It's interesting that as we observe the way God deals with His children, we can see that He first wants them to know Him, then, He gives them the commandments that are for their good. His method communicates a simple truth that rules without relationship produces rebellion. Depending on whether we build an intimate relationship with our children, our rules can either be a fence that protects them or a wall that imprisons them. Parents who really know their children can establish rules based on God's Word that will build a hedge of protection for their children that will allow them to grow and thrive. If our rules are based on our flawed perspective, we are likely to be inconsistent and frustrating to our children. Paul described the importance of our relationship being rooted in our relationship with God, " **provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord** " (Ephesians 6:4). If we fail to cultivate a relationship with our children, our rules will feel much more like prison walls that hold them captive than the loving protection that we want them to perceive. Paul's counsel tells us that our inconsistent walk, our heavy handed rules without a relationship, can provoke our children to be disobedient. It's uncomfortable for us to face, but our children's disobedience is sometimes rooted in the way that we have treated them as parents.

Parents are Great Cheerleaders

As we look at the Heavenly Father's loving nurturing of His children, we can't help to notice that He is always on our side. His example challenges believing parents to be great cheerleaders. In Matthew 3:17, we read about one of the few times when God the Father spoke audibly. It was to express his pleasure about His son following His baptism. He said " **This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased.** " No matter how old and independent our children may be; no matter how young and seemingly unconcerned that our children may be; your words of encouragement are as Solomon described in Proverbs 25:11 " **apples of gold in settings of silver** ". As diligent as we must be to discipline and correct our children, we should also be just as diligent in encouraging and cheering for our children. David marveled at the way the Father thinks about His children, " **How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand". (Psalm 139:17-18).** If we are striving to be Godly parents, our words of encouragement must accompany our discipline. Our Father demonstrates this every day. As Spirit-empowered parents, we should find reasons to praise our children each day even as they grow older and begin to prepare for their own lives as adults.

Parents as Good Releasers

The final duty of the believing parent is possibly the hardest. It will require all of the wisdom that God has taught us through the formative years, and it will require the willingness to love sacrificially. This final role for the believing parent is to be a good releaser. In Genesis 2:24, we see the instruction about the "leaving and cleaving". If we are honest, we can see, in that instruction, clear guidance for us as parents to give our children wings to do just that. We see a good example of this in the story of Moses and his wife Zipporah and their relationship with her father, Jethro. In Exodus 4:25-26, we see her clearly distressed by the circumcision that was required in obedience to God. Then, we don't hear of her again until Exodus 18. Here, we see the wise actions of a loving father, Jethro:

" **Then Jethro, Moses' father-in-law, came with his sons and his wife to Moses in the wilderness where he was camped, at the mount of God. 6He sent word to Moses, "I, your father-in-law Jethro, am coming to you with your wife and her two sons with her." 7Then Moses went out to meet his father-in-law, and he bowed down and kissed him; and they asked each other of their welfare and went into the tent.** " (Exodus 18:5-7)

Jethro knew that his daughter had cleaved to her husband and that she was Moses' wife first and foremost. He could have inserted himself into what appeared to have been a conflict between his daughter and her husband. He could have given her a fallback plan against her husband. He could have confronted Moses on behalf of his little girl. Wisely, Jethro brought his daughter back to her husband, and as far as the Scriptures record, he never mentioned the source of their contention.

As hard as it is, we must understand that we can help them maintain a biblical marriage by releasing them into the hearts of their spouse. Obviously, we are to continue loving them, but we are not intended to be a replacement for their spouse in any way. We do them no favors by being a safety valve when things don't go the way that they want. We should honor their marriage covenant just as we honor our own. Clearly, this is not a license to ignore abuse and refuse to offer help. Instead, it is simple instruction that our children's spouse should now be their priority, and everything that we do should be in support of the strengthening of this sacred union. This is the final and enduring stage of our work at the dirtiest job of all --- parenting.
Marriage

Chapter 7 – Subtle Threats to your Marriage

We have looked in depth at the patterns of thought and behavior that are required to build a Biblical marriage. We've looked at how we are created and uniquely equipped for the roles that God gave us in this sacred union. We've been challenged to look beyond ourselves and consider the sacrifice that we are to make when we love our spouse as God commands. After all of this effort, we can still find our marriage shipwrecked if we are not mindful of the dangers that threaten our covenant relationship with the spouse that God has given us. In this chapter, we will expose some subtle threats to your marriage that could cost you everything. This phrasing is intentionally personal, because I sincerely want you to see these as threats to YOUR marriage. It's not someone else's marriage in danger. It's not the neighbor who should be on alert. It is you who must defend your marriage against these subtle threats.

Hunger for More

In a time when achievement is so highly valued, it is easy to be caught up in the drive to accomplish something---even if we can't really define what that "something" is. With this frame of reference, we have to come to grips with the reality that the hunger for more can threaten your marriage. We usually think about this in terms of wealth, but it could be power, prestige, recognition---anything that consumes you. Now, it is certain that financial situations can strain a marriage, but this financial issue is, normally, a symptom rather than the disease that destroys a marriage. In Acts chapter 5, we read the story of Ananias and Sapphira:

**1** **But a man named Ananias, with his wife Sapphira, sold a piece of property,** **2** **and kept back some of the price for himself, with his wife's full knowledge, and bringing a portion of it, he laid it at the apostles' feet.** **3** **But Peter said, "Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and to keep back some of the price of the land?** **4** **While it remained unsold, did it not remain your own? And after it was sold, was it not under your control? Why is it that you have conceived this deed in your heart? You have not lied to men but to God."** **5** **And as he heard these words, Ananias fell down and breathed his last;** **(Acts 5:1-5)**

In this intriguing story from the early church, we see a man who very quickly reaped the consequences of his sin of lying to God. (How different would our lives be if the consequences of our sin came so quickly and so dramatically?).

You will notice that the sin that Peter identified had nothing to do with Ananias' wealth. His issue was with lying to God. A couple of verses later when Peter confronts Sapphira, the wife, she drops dead too. Why? She was a participant in the lie. We can see in this story that possessing the wealth was not the problem. Being possessed by the wealth was the problem.

This truth is something that is often lost in the Church. This is particularly true in the church in the United States where pastors are tempted to try to use guilt to motivate their flock to give to some cause. While many of the causes that these pastors advocate for are worthy endeavors, the approach of painting the congregation as wealthy people who hoard their prosperity while a poor world around them starves is not a particularly Biblical method. It is all too easy to find examples of people in some far away land who subsist on pennies a day and then use those examples to browbeat the flock into contributing out of some misplaced desire to make things fair. This anti-wealth mentality that we sometimes promote in the Church is more in line with Communism and Socialism than it is with a Biblical worldview. When we go back to God's Word, we don't see God taking that approach with those whom He has entrusted wealth.

In fact, if we look back into the Old Testament, we find a story that is difficult for some to accept. In 1 Kings 3:5-13, we see that God came to Solomon in a dream and made him an amazing offer saying, " **Ask what you wish Me to give you** ". It's telling that God didn't put any boundaries on this offer. He didn't make it a multiple choice question with only "churchy" options. Some would argue that some choices were clearly off the table and that God was waiting to see whether Solomon would make the "wrong" choice. Lest we go down that misguided path and paint the Father as the traffic cop hiding behind the sign waiting for us to exceed the speed limit by even a single mile per hour, we should remember that James told us about God's approach to tempting us by saying, " **He Himself does not tempt anyone** " (James 1:13). It's inconceivable that a loving Heavenly Father made this gracious offer to Solomon for the purpose of finding a reason for punishing him. Any support for the idea that this was God's motivation is destroyed as we see the story play out in the pages of Scripture.

When Solomon considers his life and the challenges before him, he recognized that he was inadequate for the task of leading God's people. Humbly, Solomon asked for " **an understanding heart** " so that he would know the difference between good and evil and be able to lead the people. What a refreshing mindset for a leader either in the Church or in the community at large. How rare it is to see someone in leadership be so consumed by the desire to be a servant leader.

When Solomon's heart was revealed, God "blessed" Solomon with incredible wealth after Solomon asked for wisdom to serve God's people:

11God said to him, "Because you have asked this thing and have not asked for yourself long life, nor have asked riches for yourself, nor have you asked for the life of your enemies, but have asked for yourself discernment to understand justice, 12behold, I have done according to your words. Behold, I have given you a wise and discerning heart, so that there has been no one like you before you, nor shall one like you arise after you. 13I have also given you what you have not asked, both riches and honor, so that there will not be any among the kings like you all your days. (1 Kings 3:11-13)

Certainly, God wasn't blessing Solomon with something that is inherently evil. When Joseph became the second in command in Egypt through his obedience and faithfulness, God blessed him with tremendous wealth and power (Genesis 41:40-42). After Job's trials, God restored him through his family as well as financially. Throughout the Word of God, we see examples of people to whom God has entrusted fabulous wealth and considered it a blessing. With this background, we should readily understand that it wasn't having the wealth that caused Ananias and Sapphira to have a problem. Their problem came because the wealth owned them, and they had a desire to retain more and more.

Our challenge in our marriage is to understand the threat that a constant appetite for more can bring into our relationship. In Joshua 7 we read the story of Achan and we can see how his desire for "more" cost him everything, his family and even his animals. The Apostle Paul told Timothy " **godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment** ", and then he cautioned about the people whose mindset is focused on wealth " **But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction** " (1 Timothy 6:6&9).

We should notice that it is the intent of the heart that Paul addresses; not the size of the bank account. That word "want" in the Greek speaks to a person's purpose. So, Paul is speaking to those people whose purpose in life is to accumulate more of anything, and he warns them of the dangers. The Message paraphrases verse 9 as " **if it's only money these leaders are after, they'll self-destruct in no time** ". Solomon made it clear that it was the intent of the heart, the focus of the life that matters. In Proverbs 28:20 he said, " **he who makes haste to be rich will not go unpunished.** " Then in Proverbs 28:22, he said, " **A man with an evil eye hastens after wealth and does not know that want will come upon him** ".

Again, it's easy for us to point to the desire for the accumulation of wealth as a threat to our marriage. At the same time, though, it can be an inordinate drive for more of anything that could derail our marriage. It may be very good things that we desire. We can even get tripped up by a constant desire for more in our personal ministry. The uncontrolled desire for "more" and the accompanying lack of contentment will surely place immeasurable strain on our marriage.

Romantic Decline

Just as a compulsion for more of something can threaten our union, the lack of other things can be dangerous to the relationship. One of these areas is the realm of romance. You must realize that romantic decline can threaten your marriage. As with any descent into sin, a decline in our marriage doesn't happen in a moment. Oh, the end-product may suddenly become evident when the affair is revealed or when the spouse just walks away suddenly; BUT, you can be sure that the erosion that led to the collapse started long before we see the result.

It's probably not a surprise to anyone who has been married more than five minutes, but marital decline can begin with your laziness. In Proverbs 5:18, Solomon told us that we should " **Rejoice in the wife of your youth** ". This certainly did not apply just when you both were young. The Word is painting a picture of a couple who have been together for a while. Solomon is pointing to our tendency to get lazy when we become too familiar with our relationship.

We all remember the effort that we went through when we were trying to win our spouse. Sadly, we have a tendency to stop "winning" them at some point after we say "I Do". Frankly, we get lazy and we take him/her for granted. We "rejoice" in her, or him, when we think about it. We just don't think about it very often. There's line from a country song that says "If you still love me, don't just assume I know". We need to be sure that we are making an effort to communicate our love to our spouse as a matter of everyday life. You can be sure that the Enemy is telling her that you don't care about her anymore; he tells him that someone else would pay more attention to him.

We've seen throughout this study how God's Word describes the parallel between the husband/wife relationship and His relationship with His children. In Deuteronomy chapter 6 we see this danger of laziness as God describes the Promised Land experience. God warned the children of Israel:

" **10"Then it shall come about when the Lord your God brings you into the land which He swore to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you, great and splendid cities which you did not build, 11and houses full of all good things which you did not fill, and hewn cisterns which you did not dig, vineyards and olive trees which you did not plant, and you eat and are satisfied, 12then watch yourself, that you do not forget the Lord** " **(Deuteronomy 6:10-12)**

The Bible records the up and down cycles that the children of Israel endured. In the Book of Judges alone, we see them rise, get comfortable, then fall. Spiritual laziness tripped them. Just like we can become spiritually lazy in our relationship with our God, we can become lazy in our marriage relationship if we don't purposely make a diligent effort to continue to pursue our spouse.

Compounding our laziness is another condition that can push us further away from the marriage that God intends for us. Marital decline can be exaggerated by your boredom. In 2 Samuel 11, we see a bored King David go from being a peeping tom on a rooftop to an adulterer and a murderer. As king, David certainly had access to anything he needed. His life was filled with things that would captivate the mind and the spirit. Still, when boredom caught him, he fell hard.

In Exodus 16:4-18, we see the children of Israel experience the miracle of having their hunger met by God raining bread from heaven in the form of manna. No doubt it was exciting on that first morning when they went out and found what God had provided. Imagine how thrilled they must have been to rise up and see the incredible way in which God had provided for their needs. No one would ever take that for granted....right? Well, a bit later, in Numbers 11:1-32, we see that they wanted something new and they complained about this amazing gift from Heaven.

Our nature is to become bored with the things we think we possess. We see this in the way companies market their products to us. Everything must be new and improved. If they haven't improved the product, they just put it in a new package or maybe a flashy wrapper. They know that we pay attention to things that are different. They don't have to be better---just being different catches our eye.

Before you decide to chase the latest thing (or person), remember what Solomon said in Ecclesiastes " **there is nothing new under the sun.** " (Ecclesiastes 1:9). Men, before your boredom tempts you to let your mind wander to others who might excite your emotions, recall how your heart beat faster when she smiled. We mentioned before how Solomon viewed his wife in the Song of Solomon 1:8 " **Most beautiful among women** ". Do you still feel that way? If not, cultivate that view of her. Remind yourself of the wonderful woman that she is.

Ladies, what do you think of when you see that husband that you've known for years? Do you remember how your eyes would light up when he called your name when you were first dating? The bride in the Song of Solomon 5:10 referred to her husband as " **Outstanding among ten thousand** ". If he's no longer your prince, work to revive that way of thinking. Remind yourself of the remarkable man that he is.

If your spouse no longer captivates you, it's not a problem between you and them. It is a problem between you and God. We need to be thanking God for this spouse that He has given us. It is not mind games that we need to play in order to change our perspective. Instead, it is valuing the gift that God has given us in our spouse and truly being thankful for our mate. The Creator carefully crafted this individual for you. We need to remind ourselves how blessed we are with our spouse so that we don't let ourselves become bored in our marriage. It is truly a spiritual issue, because we must remember that love is a decision not just an emotion.

As laziness and boredom push our marriage down, a natural tendency is to look for fulfillment in another place or another person. That is when marital decline can lead to your lust. When our laziness in our marriage leads to boredom, the natural next step is lust. Since, by this point, we've abandoned God's plan for oneness within our marriage, there are no spiritual guardrails to keep us in bounds.

Without these guardrails, it is so simple to start down the path of lust, all the while telling ourselves that we'll never take that next step of adultery. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus addressed how lust gets a foothold in our lives. He said:

" **27"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery'; 28but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.** " **(Matthew 5:27:28)**

Jesus described the very real nature of the battle that goes on in our minds. He made it clear that the heart can commit adultery without the body ever taking that final outward step. So that we don't jump off the deep end with this verse, we should understand that Jesus is not declaring people guilty of adultery who notice an attractive person. It's about a heart attitude of dwelling on a desire to possess that person.

The incredible damage that lust inflicts is felt by the individual as well as the spouse involved in the covenant relationship. We can't forget that these two became one when they entered into this covenant, and one of them can't sin without harming the other. James later described the downward spiral that happens to us when lust takes hold:

**14But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. 15Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.** **(James 1:14-15)**

Remember, Paul warned us in 1 Corinthians 7:5 about the danger of separation in the physical relationship and how we can open the door to lust. The isolation of the wife or the husband opens the door for some deadly consequences. Our struggle can begin with being lazy in our marriage and end up as James said " **when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death"**. It may be difficult to accept, but even if we never act out physically what takes up a place in our hearts, Jesus said we're still guilty; this lust brings death. That's why Paul told us to " **Flee immorality.** " (1 Corinthians 6:18). We can't let the notion be entertained, because it has the potential to destroy us.

Spiritual Unbalance

The decline in marriage and the logical next steps may be related to another danger to the marriage bond. We don't often think of this during the dating/courtship process, but our spouse's relationship with God will leave an indelible mark on the union. The influence may be positive, or it may be negative, but the partners' individual relationships with God will chart the course for the relationship of the couple. As such, it is important to recognize that spiritual unbalance can threaten your marriage.

Paul warned us against being " **bound together with unbelievers** " (2 Corinthians 6:14). Given the unique intimacy that comes with the marriage relationship, the faith walk of the spouses, almost inevitably, rubs off on the other. Paul's warning against being united with an unbeliever was based on the natural tendency of the believing spouse to compromise the truth in their faith as they bond with the unbelieving spouse who is, naturally, uncomfortable with a spirit-led spouse. After all, their entire worldviews SHOULD be different. That's why Paul compared it to the fellowship of light and darkness and advised that they can't really exist together.

In the Old Testament, God gives us a real-life example of how this principle works its way out in a marriage. Lest, we think that we're smarter than the poor soul who got caught up in this trap, we should note that this poor fellow was wise King Solomon. As we look into the life of this wise man, we watch as Solomon's foreign wives lead him astray. 1 Kings 11:2-4 tells the story:

" **2from the nations concerning which the Lord had said to the sons of Israel, "You shall not associate with them, nor shall they associate with you, for they will surely turn your heart away after their gods." Solomon held fast to these in love. 3He had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines, and his wives turned his heart away. 4For when Solomon was old, his wives turned his heart away after other gods; and his heart was not wholly devoted to the Lord his God,** "

Solomon's father, David, experienced much the same resistance to his faith in his marriage to Saul's daughter, Michal. In 2 Samuel 6:14-16, we see David worshipping God. In verse 16, the Bible describes his wife's reaction " **she despised him in her heart.** " Then, for one last example from Scripture, we can look at the patient man, Job. As he endured tremendous pain and trials and still clung to faith, Mrs. Job told him " **curse God, and die** ". Clearly, they were on different pages spiritually.

Because we can't separate our lives into the sacred and the secular or the spiritual and the non-spiritual, our spiritual condition is critical to all of our relationships and particularly the relationship to the person with whom we are ONE. If you don't grow together in your relationship with God, you will grow apart—without exception. You simply don't have it within you to love that spouse sacrificially. If the husband and the wife are both diligently pursuing God, they will ALWAYS grow closer together, because we have to remember that Jesus explained His will in Mark 10:9 " **What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate"**.

Now, you may just now be coming to the realization that you violated this principle and now you find yourself married to an unbeliever. If that is the case, you may ask, "Since they are not a believer, and I'm not supposed to be joined to an unbeliever, should I leave this marriage"? We will deal with this question at length in the next chapter. For now, the short answer is – "No". This teaching is not a justification for divorce because we now find ourselves in a relationship that was started in contradiction to the teaching of Scripture. You must keep in mind, that you still made a covenant, and you are, therefore, united with this spouse. Now, your role becomes that of the one who is to live to introduce that spouse to Christ.

Hearing Only

When we are wise enough to embark on the great journey that is marriage with a fellow believer, we still face threats to our marriage. If we are not diligently applying the Word of God to our marriage and all areas of our lives, we are in jeopardy. For the believing couple, hearing the Word only, without doing, can threaten your marriage. In Matthew 7:24-27, Jesus wrapped up His Sermon on the Mount with the familiar story about the two houses-one built on rock and the other built on sand. He taught us that hearing God's word but not applying it is a disaster in the making just like building a house on sand is.

We only deceive ourselves when we are exposed to the Truth but choose not to apply it to the way we live. James warned us " **But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.** " (James 1:22) When we hear what God's Word says about a topic that is so intensely personal as marriage, there is a great tendency to hear it (not listen), ignore it and move on to more interesting topics. Frankly, applying the truths from God's Word to your marriage will likely be one of the hardest things you'll ever try to do, because it will require you to admit some measure of failure and to relinquish control to God and to your spouse. It will be much easier to explain it away, to take the world's point of view and continue living as we have been because it is so comfortable.

It is amazing how quickly we, "Bible-believing Christians", will jump to a "social Gospel" or to a "modern worldview" when God's word shines a light on an area of our lives that we honestly don't want to submit to God's authority. We will rationalize that this teaching is a bit out of date ant doesn't really apply to our life in this world today. You can know that you've gone there when your sentences start with phrases such as:

  1. "I know the Bible says..., but"

  2. "I just believe..."

  3. "My situation is different because..."

We're much more likely to take advice from the TV host or from the magazine rack because they rarely call on us to sacrifice. They usually tell us how we "deserve" to be treated and how our spouse should hear and respond to our needs and dreams. That is NOT a Biblical view a marriage. If you've heard nothing in these 7 chapters of studying what God says about marriage, hear this---BIBLICAL MARRIAGE IS INTENDED TO BE THE GREATEST SACRIFICE THAT YOU WILL EVER MAKE FOR ANOTHER PERSON. IT IS MEANT TO MIRROR YOUR COMMITMENT TO CHRIST.

Stephen Curtis Chapman sings a song that talks about a couple walking together through hard times. The chorus says:

"I will take a heart whose nature is to beat for me alone

And fill it up with you - make all your joy and pain my own

No matter how deep a valley you go through

I will go there with you"

Nothing within us will prompt us to make such sacrifices. Even the most noble among us are not equipped to live out such a commitment to selflessness. If we are going to truly take our selfish heart and have it beat for our spouse, we will have to not just hear God's Word, we'll have to apply it. Ultimately, it is this application of the instructions of the Creator that will empower our marriage to endure all of the threats that will come against it. We have not choice as to whether the threats will come----they most certainly will. As believers, however, we do have the Spirit-empowered choice regarding whether we are defeated by these threats.
Marriage

Chapter 8 – When One Becomes Two Again

Together, we've taken a long look at the instruction that God's Word provides about the sacred institution of marriage. The truth of the Scriptures has been quite simple. Even if it's not an easy task to apply it to our lives, the Truth is not very difficult to understand. The challenge to love our spouse sacrificially surprises many of us, but hopefully, the challenge will inspire us to live out this blessed relationship as God has designed it.

Along the way, we've made a few references to the reality that, while we may agree with what we've learned and have every desire to make it a part of our lives, many of us have already felt the bitter sting of a relationship that didn't follow this plan. We hear, regularly, that about half of all marriages in the United States will fail. Even in the Church, this rate of divorce is about the same. It would be negligent to explore this topic of biblical marriage and leave out those who have suffered through a divorce.

The stories run the whole range of possibilities. For some, their divorce was connected to a marriage that occurred long before they were believers. As we've said, trying to live out this institution on our own is an impossible task, so this scenario for divorce really should be expected. In fact, among unbelievers, it's surprising that divorce is not even more prevalent. For others, their divorce came after they were believers, and they just decided to break the union. For still others, their case involved actions that led to a biblically justified divorce.

If you have experienced the pain of divorce, no matter what the path was that led you to where you are today, there is still great instruction and hope to be found in God's Word. All too often, we forget that no one is outside the reach of an almighty God. We need to be reminded that, as Paul told the Romans, there is nothing that "will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:39). Your life, in Christ, didn't end with your divorce. Divorce is NOT a death sentence. God still desires to do great things in your life and in the relationship that you have today. If you have a great marriage, be thankful. If you are struggling in your marriage relationship and, perhaps, even contemplating divorce, be hopeful, because God's Word offers hope.

We are All Sinners

As we dive into this subject we must first come to terms with a very simple, but profound, truth: Everyone who enters the marriage covenant is a sinner. As we look at any subject and seek to know God's Truth, we must first acknowledge that we are all sinners. What makes marriage difficult is that it is a bond created by the union of two flawed and sinful people. Since " **all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God** " (Romans 3:23), never has there been a marriage where there is a sinless spouse. As we have learned what God's covenant of marriage includes, if we are honest, we have to admit that we can't possibly live up to those standards apart from the empowering of the Holy Spirit. Both the husband and the wife are sinners. Even if they are sinners who have been redeemed, they still have a sinful nature that they bring to the union.

As intensely personal as the topic of marriage is, we sometimes get offended when we have to consider the reality that, within our marriage, we have sinned. Oh, most of us haven't committed adultery (perhaps not even in the sense of lustful thoughts as Jesus described in Matthew 5:32). Still, since sin is defined as missing the mark of God's perfect standard, we are all guilty. The fact that God has sustained our union is a testament to His power and grace, not a tribute to our perfection.

In the same light, we must understand that, in any divorce situation, sin has occurred. It may be that one of the spouses was unfaithful. Clearly, the sin of adultery is present in that scenario (Exodus 20:14). Some will say, "we got divorced because we just couldn't get along". Our society calls it "irreconcilable differences". In reality, it means that one, or both, of the spouses was not willing to keep the covenant that they entered into with God and their spouse. Sadly, the sin of lying is present in that scenario (Exodus 20:16). When we boil it all down, we have to face the reality that when a divorce occurs, at least one of the spouses has sinned. The Good News is that this sin can be forgiven.

Divorce is not to be Taken Lightly

While we emphasize the healing that is available in Christ, we can't forget that divorce is not to be taken lightly. Paul contemplated this trivialization of sin and the abuse of grace when he wrote, " **What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? 2May it never be!** " (Romans 6:1-2). It is a dangerous life that we live when we take a causal view of our sin, because we know that there is forgiveness through Christ. This presumptuous sin brings drastic consequences as we cheapen the grace of God.

In marriage, we make a covenant with God and with our spouse. When we decide that we are going to break that covenant with our spouse, few of us consider that God is the third party in this deal. When she looked across at him and said some vows, and he looked at her and said some vows, God was a part of that commitment as well. We can't break the covenant with just that spouse with whom we are no longer enamored; we are also breaking the promise that we made to God, and he views that rather seriously:

" **When you make a vow to God, do not be late in paying it; for He takes no delight in fools. Pay what you vow! 5It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay** " **(Ecclesiastes 5:4-5)**

In Matthew 5:37, Jesus taught us that we should stand by our word. He said to let your yes be yes and your no be no. We should understand that our words are meaningful and create a commitment that God intends for us to keep. His is particularly true with the intimate covenant of marriage.

Regardless of whether we are the sinning party in the dissolving of the marriage, or both of us are sinning or we are the innocent party that was wronged by a spouse who chose to break their vow, there will be pain. Divorce and pain cannot be separated. As the Creator, Jesus completely understood the inevitable pain that is associated with the breaking apart of this union. Since we are His children, He is ultimately interested in sparing us this pain. Remember, Isaiah told us that it is " **by His scourging we are healed** " (Isaiah 53:5). We've talked about the pain that is inherent when we tear apart what God has joined together as one. If this union is created with the intention of being strong enough to endure the trials of life, it just stands to reason that breaking that bond must be, by definition, painful and costly to the people involved.

When my sons were growing up and doing project after project for school, it seemed that they were forever making posters with various pictures and paragraphs stuck on them. When they first started doing these projects, they were instructed to stick the pieces of paper together using rubber cement. The great thing about using rubber cement was that you can fairly easily take the pieces apart and move them around. However, they found out that this flexibility is only possible because the bond is quite weak. It couldn't stand up to time---sometimes the edges would start to curl up even before they could get the poster to school for the grade. When the temperature changes, the pieces tend to separate, and at times, they completely fall off the poster. Over time, my wife (the smartest one in the house) wisely suggested that they use glue instead of the rubber cement. My sons soon learned that when you take the same two pieces of paper and stick them together with glue, in a week or so, they're still stuck together. When the temperature changes, the bond gets even stronger. However, if you try to take the pages apart, both of them will be damaged. You'll see little parts of one on the other.

Marriage was never intended to be a "rubber-cement-type" relationship with each of the parties remaining separate entities that are loosely connected to the other. Biblical marriage doesn't offer limitless flexibility to put people together and take them apart with no damage to either of the two parties. In God's design, marriage is better viewed as a "glue-type" relationship in which the two pieces are, indeed, bonded together. Their connection is one in which they share their lives and become inextricably linked. The Creation account of how Adam gave his rib for Eve is a great illustration of the interdependency that God has in mind for this sacred union. This permanent bond is designed to withstand the test of time and the storms of life. Consequently, a bond with such strength can only be broken by tearing away parts of both pieces. While both spouses can continue to live, they cannot avoid the wounds that come with being ripped apart from the one they pledged to love until death.

God Hates Divorce, Not Divorced People

When we explain the pain that inherently comes along with divorce, it can be construed as an attack on people who have suffered through it. The truth of the Bible is that God hates divorce, not divorced people. The Father hates the action of divorce because of pain that comes to His children as a result of it. In Malachi 2:14-16, the prophet explains why God no longer regarded their offering and how the people responded:

" **14Yet you say, 'For what reason?' Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. 15But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth. 16For I hate divorce," says the Lord, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the Lord of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit,that you do not deal treacherously."**

The strong language that Malachi uses when he describes the person who divorces his wife is interesting. He reminds us of the fact that they were joined together " **by covenant** ". He emphasizes the seriousness of the act of divorce by three times using the adverb " **treacherously** " to describe the behavior. Clearly, the Father views this as a serious matter that is not to be passed over lightly.

Lest we try to relegate this serious view of marriage to an Old Testament view, we should look carefully at the New Testament teaching as well. Matthew deals directly with the question that the Pharisees brought to Jesus in Matthew 19:3-9:

" **3Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?" 4And He answered and said, "Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? 6So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." 7They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away?" 8He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. 9And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery."**

The intent of the Pharisees was to trap Jesus into taking a position that would allow them to expose Him to opposition from the people. Some of the people took the position of allowing divorce for almost anything. We see how they tried to back him into a corner by the way they phrased the question. Notice, that they said "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all? Clearly, the people who took a very liberal approach to divorce would be happy if He agreed with this philosophy that allowed a divorce for almost any reason, or no reason at all. At the same time, they knew that some others in the crowd would be quite offended by this lax view on marriage. These were people who took the position that a grave offence had to take place before divorce could occur. We can see how some would take this to such an extreme that a spouse would be virtually trapped in the marriage no matter how their spouse behaved. Sadly, in the Church, we still tend to approach the topic of divorce in unbiblical extremes.

The super-spiritual among us look down their noses at someone who has suffered through a divorce as if they have leprosy. Clearly, that is SIN. In John 4, we see that Jesus took the time to talk to a woman who had had 5 husbands, and He only discussed her relationships when she brought it up (and He knew everything there was to know about every one of those relationships). Then we have the carnal Christian that holds no standards whatsoever and sees marriage as something that you can move into and out of easier than you can switch cell phone companies. Clearly, that is SIN. Jesus told us that we were one flesh that should not be separated.

As the master teacher, Jesus' response to the Pharisees indicates that the question itself was wrong. The question was geared toward how to terminate a marriage, while Jesus was more interested in preserving the bond of oneness that is created by a marriage. As is often the case, they were looking for an excuse for a behavior in which they wanted to be free to participate. Rather than searching for the heart of God on the matter, the Pharisees were looking for a loophole. Well, Jesus was having none of that. He went right back to where our study began – the Creation account – and explained that it was never God's intention for man to separate the union that God created. His words caution us against mistaking the grace that forgives us of sin for the approval of God.

Biblical Justifications

There can be no reasonable dispute regarding God's desire to save us from the ravages of divorce. Still, our Heavenly Father surely knows that we live in a fallen world in which we, sometimes, do terrible things to each other. With that in mind, we must also understand that there are biblical justifications for divorce. These should not be mistaken for commands to divorce in these situations. Instead, these are scenarios in for which God said the victim in the relationship can choose to terminate the marriage and not be guilty of sinning.

The first, and most obvious, example of this is in the case of adultery. Adultery is biblical grounds for divorce. In His response to the Pharisees in Matthew 9, Jesus made it clear that unfaithfulness in the marriage relationship is Biblical justification to dissolve this union. Later, we read in Paul's letter to the Corinthians that this area of sexual sin is unique in that a person commits it against their own body. By definition, this means that the perpetrator has become one with another person other than their spouse (1 Corinthians 6:18). Again, we should note that Jesus' teaching doesn't require that you divorce in this situation, but He does give you permission to do so.

Another case in which divorce is biblically justified is when an unbeliever wants out of their relationship with believer. Paul explained the scenario in which a spouse comes to faith in Christ and the other spouse is an unbeliever. Obviously, the believing spouse is now a new creature (2 Corinthians 5:17). With that in mind, Paul says that if the unbelieving spouse wants to leave, the believing spouse should allow them to leave:

" **10But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband 11(but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.**

12But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. 14For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. 15Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. 16For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?" (1 Corinthians 7:10-16)

Now this passage causes some confusion because of Paul's references to the source of the teaching. In verse 10, Paul clearly spells out the principle that Christian couples should stay together (Remember in 1 Corinthians 1:2, Paul told us that he was writing this letter to the Church). When Paul makes this statement, he says " **I give instructions, not I, but the Lord** " to make it clear that this teaching comes directly from God. Then, Paul makes an unusual statement in verse 12 " **But to the rest I say, not the Lord** ". Now, this language is pretty scary for us. Why did he put it that way? He was about to address a scenario that is not intended to happen, the marriage of an unbeliever and a believer. It was a situation about which Jesus didn't comment directly. In verse 10, he refers to Jesus' specific teaching that we've already seen that says a husband and wife should not separate. With that in mind, Paul explains that he is now explaining the principles of God rather than relating the direct teaching of God. He was applying these principles to a very specific problem. I like the way the Message paraphrases this verse "For the rest of you who are in mixed marriages - Christian married to nonChristian - we have no explicit command from the Master. So this is what you must do".

In that light, in verse 15, Paul tells us that if our unbelieving spouse wants to leave, we can let them leave, and we are no longer bound by that covenant. Just so we won't think Paul has gone out on his own here, in the last verse 1 Corinthians 7:40, he refers to his judgment and says, " **I think that I also have the Spirit of God** ". However, if the unbelieving spouse is willing to stay, the believing spouse should live their lives in such a way as to win them over with their actions. Paul explained it saying:

" **if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. 14For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. 15Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. 16For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?** " **(1 Corinthians 7:10-16)**

Peter shed some more light on this and reinforced this as biblical teaching in 1 Peter 3:1-2 " **ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation** ". We should pay attention to the tactic that Peter described. Recognizing our tendency to nag rather than nudge, Peter reminds us that the believing spouse should preach to their unbelieving spouse through their lives rather than their words. It might be tempting to nag them with words constantly, but Peter advises us to simply live a life that is so attractive that they can't help but want to know what makes you tick.

A great danger in teaching about the importance of keeping the marriage covenant is that some may use this as a way to control a spouse whom they are abusing. To twist His Word to trap a spouse in a prison of abuse is sinful, and the person who does this falls under the many admonitions that are found in the Bible regarding misusing the Scriptures. In Revelation 22, John provides dire warnings for those who add to God's Word in order to use it as a weapon. In other cases, an abused spouse might hear this teaching and believe that they must remain in an abusive marriage. This is certainly not the counsel of God's Word. Abuse victims should be widows (or widowers) not divorced people.

Biblical justice deals with abusers in such a way that the victim becomes a widow/widower, not a divorced person. In Exodus 21:22-23, we read the instruction that if two men are fighting and hurt a pregnant woman such that she is injured and loses her child, the penalty it such that the perpetrator is to be put to death. In the same verse where God says that He hates divorce, He also says that He hates the violent man "" **I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.** " (Malachi 2:16-NIV). David described God's view of a person of violence in Psalm 11:5, " **the one who loves violence His soul hates** ". Psalm 82:3-4 tells us how we are to interact with the one that is leaving under that abuse:

" **3Vindicate the weak and fatherless. Do justice to the afflicted and destitute. 4Rescue the weak and needy; Deliver them out of the hand of the wicked."**

These spouses are not intended to just suffer. Actually, we are intended to rescue them. It has never been part of God's design for marriage to have a spouse trapped in an abusive relationship and remain helpless to escape. From a Biblical perspective, it is not a matter of marriage. It is a matter of justice which is the key responsibility of the government. In Romans 13:4, Paul described the administration of justice for which the government is responsible " **if you do what is evil, be afraid; for it does not bear the sword for nothing; for it is a minister of God, an avenger who brings wrath on the one who practices evil.** " The fact that we have a flawed justice system does not sentence an abused spouse to live in a dangerous situation in order to live out biblical Christianity.

Divorce is NOT a Death Sentence

For all the pain that is associated with divorce, the Church must follow God's leadership in ministering to and worshipping with divorced people. Contrary to the way we sometime behave toward people, divorce is NOT a death sentence. First, although it requires some uncomfortable soul-searching at times to determine that a divorce is biblical, we must understand that biblical divorce, while tragic and painful, is not sinful. We live in a fallen world. As we've talked about repeatedly, the marriage covenant gives another person enormous influence in your life. Your spouse can make choices today that can dramatically alter your life. There are husbands and wives, in Christian homes, who will, today, make choices to start down a path that will destroy the union that the other spouse is committed to preserving. For the spouse who suffers in this situation, God doesn't promise to spare you from the pain (we talked about how sin's consequences extend for generations---Exodus 34:7). However, He does promise that He is the Healer of broken hearts. In the Church, we must understand the difference between someone who is willfully choosing an unbiblical divorce and someone who is suffering from their spouse's sinful choices. That victim needs love, fellowship and encouragement, not church discipline or judgmental disapproval.

The approach to handling a biblical divorce is not meant to be applied to unbiblical divorces. When a couple divorces without biblical justification, we are not doing them any favors to ignore what has happened and leave them to deal with their situation. Unbiblical divorce, like any other unbiblical behavior, is sinful but forgivable. Remember, sin, by definition, means to miss the mark. Since God's design (His "mark") for marriage is for the covenant to last a lifetime, anything short of that involves some measure of sin. If a believer pursues an unbiblical divorce, the Church, as instructed in God's word is obligated to administer church discipline. Matthew 18:15-20 tells us to confront them; Paul told us in 1 Corinthians 5:11 not to even eat with a brother who deliberately chooses to pursue a lifestyle of sin. The purpose is to be sure that we don't communicate that the way they are living is acceptable. Now, this requires that the church be led by godly men who give of themselves to the point that they are willing to enter into the painful situations that their brothers and sisters face. The goal is more than just preserving the marriage. It is also for the purpose of restoring the sinning spouse to their right relationship with God.

Divorce is a painful subject that the Church must deal with as it invades the lives of the brothers and sisters in the Body of Christ. If we recognize that the divorce is not the end of a person's spiritual life and relationship with God, we can minister to them in such a way as to allow them to walk in the love of the Father. At the same time, the Church must stand firm on the truth of God's Word and teach the believers His design for marriage is the joining together of one man and one woman in a lifelong covenant with the Heavenly Father. When we follow what the Bible teaches us about divorce we can minister God's love to people when the union of One becomes Two again.
Epilogue

God's design for marriage presents a daunting task for those who would consider entering into this sacred union. As the first institution that the Father created, it has a unique place in His plan for our lives. When we started this journey to discover what His Word tells us about the marriage relationship, we likened the adventure to climbing a mountain. It is my sincere hope that, as we have looked into God's Word, you have caught a glimpse of the magnificent view that is available to all who will press on to the summit of Truth about this most intimate relationship. As we've seen, the sacrificial love that is intended to characterize a marriage is only possible in a believer in Christ who is empowered by the Holy Spirit. The relationship will cost you all that you have, but the rewards of a marriage rooted in Christ are immeasurable and eternal. May God give us all the courage to pursue Him as we love the spouse whom He has given us.

