

Romancing Grendel's Mother!

Fear & Loathing on the Internet

Mike Knowles

Copyright 2011 by Mike Knowles

Smashwords Edition

Introduction

Charity

The Dreadful Fall of the Trollbuster General!

This is the second book in a trilogy about some of the cyber trolls I ran into on a popular Internet pen pal site. The mad, the bad and the ugly. On the other hand, as the photo above shows, this one was really quite good looking. And, although cyber trolls come in many flavours, they all share the following traits: They like to pick arguments with other people and they like to manipulate them. In other words, they're just like politicians!

This makes them fair game for the Trollbuster General. However, in this instance I can't take the moral high ground. I regret to say that I became a troll myself. Instead of keeping her at arm's length, I established a relationship with this dreadful woman. And then I set out to manipulate it. But those familiar with the story of Beowulf will know that Grendel's mum had an adverse effect on men.

The Sad Tale of a Billy No-Mates

This book is about a tempestuous cyber affair with a troll. A troll I came across by accident after I joined a pen pal site called Interpals. However, let me start by making one thing perfectly clear: I'm not, by any stretch of the imagination, a gregarious person. I didn't go on there looking for friends. If this were the Middle Ages or Victorian England, I'd be a hermit. In fact, if such a thing were possible, I'd make friends with a hermit. Why? Because they like nothing better than to be left alone. So you don't have to talk to them, sort out their problems or buy them any presents. I short, they're easy to manage.

On the subject of hermits, I recall learning that some rich Victorians actually employed people to act as hermits on their estate. A job that would have suited me down to the ground or, in this case, the cave. A hermit was regarded as a landscape gardening accessory, like a bird box. Except in this case it wasn't for the purpose of breeding. Hermits, being solitary by nature, do not breed. At least not voluntarily. In other words, if you wanted them to breed you'd have to force them to do so. And I regret to say that I find this proposition rather intriguing. So the reader has learned that I'm not only an introvert, but that I also have perverted sexual fantasies. Still, they say confession is good for the soul.

The Belgian Binge Drinker

So what was I doing on this pen pal site? I was, in fact looking for someone who might have had some information about one of my relatives. It was a long shot, but long shots sometimes pay off. But I'm also a writer and people fascinate me. So, instead of hunting for lost relatives, I threw all caution to the winds and struck up a friendship with a female Belgian binge drinker who later confessed that she was an American called Charity. Her profile was intriguing. It looked like she'd had a few too many when she wrote it out. I tend at times to be rather sarcastic, so the temptation to have a pop at her proved too great. And it wasn't long before we were trading insults. My descent into Trolldom had started.

That in itself would have been bad enough. But I was a glutton for punishment. And before very long we ended up having a tempestuous cyber affair. Together we must have sent each other more than a 1000 emails. I remember at one point doing a word count and mine alone came to over 200,000! That's when I knew how Tolstoy must have felt when writing War and Peace. Although, to give him his due, his book is probably far more artistic.

A Sad Record of a Wasted Year!

This book contains a selection of her emails covering the year 2008. And, although I saved some of my emails, I've only included a few of the better ones. After all, I have my reputation as a writer to consider. Not only that, I can also indulge in a bit of censorship and leave out any embarrassing bits.

From the very beginning Charity fascinated me. It was she who introduced me to the cyber trolls on the site. A subject I covered in the first book in the series, "Randy McNob: Fear & Loathing on the Internet." Calling myself The Trollbuster General, we had great fun hunting them down. However, I'm not that gullible and I suspected Charity was a troll herself. For a start she'd pretended to be someone else. But, to be fair, using a false identity doesn't automatically make you a troll. There are all sorts of reasons why people wish to remain anonymous. I've used false identities myself. But I've always either mentioned they were false or I've left clues as to my real ID. Trolls, however, never reveal their true identities.

The Troll's MO

The clue lies in the ID itself. Is it a provocative one? Trolls infiltrate social sites and forums, so we look at what the individual has posted. Have they gotten into several arguments? If so then you can bet there's a troll behind it. Charity's profile was provocative because passing yourself off as an argumentative Belgian female alcoholic is just asking for trouble. Especially from other Belgian women who think you're giving them a bad name. The fact that she was all too ready to trade insults with all and sundry merely confirmed what I already knew.

There was just one problem. Like Grendel's mother she turned out to be a very articulate and alluring character. She was also mercurial with sudden mood swings. However, instead of putting me off, these mood swings merely fascinated me even more. So the temptation to write a book about her proved impossible to resist. However, at that time I had other projects to work on so the idea was put on the back burner. On top of which, there was yet another troll who was stalking me. The eponymous Pink Coat and her brother. For them trolling had turned into a family affair.

Like Puppets on a String!

After becoming emotionally involved with Charity I sought to manipulate our relationship. But then so did she. Indeed, we were both pulling each other's strings like a pair of demented puppet masters. Neither of us believed that this was a genuine romance. As for myself, I had to swallow my pride. I was no Ronnie Wood or Hugh Heffner. In my view, anyone over 60 who falls for a woman less than half their age is just plain sad. And any tears that may have been shed during our relationship were of the crocodile variety. Later I was told by others who knew her that this was a game Charity had played on others.

Part 1: Charity's Emails

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Dear Mike,

You are so silly, hehee, what a big goop, wicked sense of humor, splendid just splendid I tell you. I posted on your wall by the way, I have unblocked you, just because you spoke Katherine Hepburn's name with my own in one sentence! You have redeemed yourself and now worthy to post. You know, yes this is odd, you and I were in a rumble a few days back, now look at us, shaking hands ,sharing our fascination about McNob, talking over a cup of tea. I'll have you know I laughed at nearly every posts of your cruelty towards me. I especially recall one in which you refer to my face as a "bursted sausage", oh geez I'm am laughing again, how the hell did you come up with that one, too funny. When I look at my own profile picture with my shawl thing, for reasons beyond me I think of the phrase " I pulled down your pants". ????

Well you have done a lot in your life, you have accomplished a lot with the writing processes. Congratulations on everything, and it's not over yet I see. I'll volunteer to be one of your characters, perhaps a sausage faced teenager going through puberty. Eeeee, never mind that. I know a couple of writers, one from Norway( very private, publishes nothing) who writes mainly erotic stories fused with psychological energy. Then a older man from Canada, he concentrates on teen adult themes and plays. The latter has a rough time getting his work published. I myself have never tried to publish anything I've written, mainly poetry. I have this proclivity to carry along a notebook and pencil with me at all times( i don't like using pens) simply because I have too many thought streams brewing in my mind that literally I am prepared to jot down anything that is ready to be designed. I literally have a huge box full of notebooks with pure thoughts written in them, in a sense I have captured time on a paper. The same with photography, I capture time and memory. I'm good at poetry and riddles, but many people have a difficult time understanding what I write, they have lazy brains is all. The ability to capture my words and to work and decipher in between the sentences is there outlined for them, but still most don't have the inspiration or desire to use their brains perhaps. I don't have the desire to make my work known, I care nothing for the "spotlight", in fact I hate mainstream. Unlike most Americans, I prefer being in the shadow of things, not the spectacle, but rather the observer. The mainstream is tainted, it's a disease, artists typically lose themselves there, they cheapen their art. Please, do take this light heartedly, I am in no way speaking about you here, at all.

So you're from the UK, I believe we have a significant time difference. I never felt I had a solid footing in this country. The roots of my heart long for Europe. I believe it all started as something as small as the love for the scenic places. The grand old architecture. The amazing history of it all. Then more details thickened the yarn. For instance, my obsession with art , I think I prefer it to sex. NO! Seriously! Anything with the art process has a hold on me, be it music( I play piano), writing, photography , theatre and the list goes on. There is nothing else that comes close to genuine happiness. So that's why when I read you went to the school of art where Lowry studied, I had a dual effect, on the one hand I was envious, and on the other I felt connected to the painters of old. The museum I work in is the J. Paul Getty Museum out in LA. It's not just that i'm biased, but I think it the best museum in LA. It is situated on top of a cliff next to the 405 freeway. They have a garden section that is just so terribly soothing to the soul.The 3rd floor on the West building I believe, overlooks the whole of LA, at night this my boy is a spectacular sight to behold. I just got a new digital camera made for shots just as these, I will try and capture some imagery there soon. At night glancing onto the 405, the cars golden headlights and red tail lights form a wonderful looking ribbon band from a distance. Anywho, so yes I love art, but this museum isn't a dinosaur museum silly, and it's Rob Schneider not Adam sandler who has a museum movie out, silly pants. I saw the movie, it was very childish but I found the comedy up my alley. Back to art. The first painter my eyes got a hold of was Van Gogh. Instantly he became one of my top favorite artists. Not only his work but his personal life as it corresponds to nearly every painting of his.THe mind of this man was beautiful. Therefore, it comes as no surprise I now own a 1948 1st edition Paris published set of a 3 volume book set of the "Van Gogh Letters", over 2000 pages easily. I would say the most tender book I have read thus far. I then did a 180 and turned to discover the wonderful Dali and Munch. Their work spoke directly to me the instant I saw them, I saw a bit of myself in their work. THey understood.

Hmmm, so "sarcasshole" how ya doing? I have a sarcasshole uncle, he doesn't have so many friends. With comedians as yourself, either you are liked through and through, or you are hated through and through. It doesn't matter, if it did, we will forever try and please others and that's impossible. I went into my psychological mode on a mail I sent to you when we were enemies. It was me deciphering, attempting to anyhow, your character. Then I wrote something like" you sir look to others for support and acceptance to fit in" and blah blah blah, tell me, did anything my intelligent ability have truth to it? You might have erased that letter though. I have an annoying tendency to try and break people down to their core and it turns into philosophical prose, I hit bulls eyes many times. All one has to do is go deep into a very alert conscious level and listen to words and the dots connect.

Aye aye, so I was born and raised in southern California my whole life! thus far. The end. Arrrgg. Ok ok. I have traveled up and down this state that I venture to say I can find my way in it even by sleep walking. Since a little lassie , I have fit the bill for an "eccentric", i just didn't like the "norm", never understood it. Kept to myself a lot of the times, not out of shyness for that I wasn't, but innately my place was that of an observer, and I didn't mind it, still don't. There's this curse or blessing that comes attached to artists, and that's the sensitivity to life, the acknowledgment of the deeper ramification of life and mystery. You will notice and pick up that my paragraphs are written as thought streams, so it may change to extremes from sentence to sentence, I may even drop a subject altogether while in the middle of it to talk about something on the opposite side o the spectrum. OR sometimes talk about something totally out of place. Bear with me. It depends on my mind, it's ever changing in thoughts so i maneuver with it.

One of my favorite quotes is "I never wanted to be different, just wanted to be me". Let me get to the "Now". I don't understand what "identity " is, and I will eventually touch on that subject. I was studying psychology as my major, but again we humans are fickle. My heart seem to be settled in the creative forces, I was going for a major in Art history. Well, now I 'm thinking my heart is as a historian:)I love ancient artifacts. I 'v always had a curious path for history, it's just so incredibly fascinating as far as everything goes really. Furthermore, how the "today" is somehow uniquely connected to the "then". History is a universal specimen, it touches every corner of todays world and it is highly fused with the past. It's funny, the earth itself doesn't need history, it doesn't need it or us to survive. I'm thinking, humanity as a collective whole has disturbed it, we have interfered with it..that's why it's all collapsing, we simply are foreign invaders to it. Look at where our existence is paving the way ...to mass ruins that's where. If that's the case I ponder, why on earth are we here?....I mean, we grow food , we eat...we grow food we eat..., we overpopulate....all the while people are like "what, what's going on, we are we doing here?". We're interfering with the natural process, and earth isn't liking it very much. It's almost taking itself out of misery, hehee. Wow, that's sounds incredibly pessimistic of me, but again, an observation.

So now I'm working on two minors, one being philosophy and the other creative writing. I take on various subjects of interest of course. Such as theatre and psychology.I dislike school, I dislike "professionalism", yuk. I dislike suits and briefcases and those black shiny businessmen tapping shoes. I welcome originality.

Oh geez, forgive me but I am seconds away from dreamville. I am too sleepy. Ordinarily I only have time to email during moon hours which I am sleepy by then, and don't fret over not writing longer mails, at times I won't be able write as much as i'd wish to either. But boy at other times can i throw out here some Magnum Opus. Plus, TIME and tea time will let us get to know each other better.*yawn* wow, what a boring email this one huh? ARe you still alive?

~Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Dr Einstein!

By golly goose goose! Dust my ears, do they deceive me? I shall alert the science field at once! This bullet proof theory of yours declaring mental illness is indeed fused with madness is off the charts! This is madness I tell you! Newton is crawling out of his grave. I hear you're in the running for the Nobel prize lad, congratulations!.....

(the stage is set out doors on a grassy university campus in Cambridge, sun shining, birds chirping, footsteps ascending. The winner speaks into the microphone) Thank you all for my award and deeming me worthy. I am humbled by this moments energy traveling through the electromagnetic field and charges in my brain.The brain......it's truth.... indeed mental illness drives people mad. This is my theory and I'm sticking to it. I would however like you to acknowledge a dumb friend of mine, his name's Mike Knowles".

Oh, sorry, looks like someone else beat you to the idea.Better luck next time.(ooo,good one)

I have deleted my InterPals profile. Ooooh dear, here, yet again another tissue for your tears, you are a cry baby. Honestly, I had about enough. I 'm tired of coming across bottomless pitts, not you of course. Before this profile, I had one from August of "07. I met some fine people then. When I left 3 months later, I took with me 8 people. It's the quality not quantity. I am lucky. I left back then due to the rapid changes, or rather additions and the new waves of people crawling in. It's as if stupid people alerted their stupid friends to sign up and now it's infested with stupidity. Come to think of it, no one I met back then is on there any longer. On average I give people 3 months tops before they give up. You would have been proud of me and liked my original profile. I didn't describe myself at all, a character is to be discovered not described. Instead I wrote this deep impacted passage about thought streams and searching for other soul and truth seekers and I requests deep people. For the life of me I can't recall what I wrote. I do remember vaguely on the REQUEST section I wrote something like ....... " everyone is welcomed aboard my ship, regardless of gender, race or blah. Just have working brains please and bring your own conscious with you. If not, the plank is to your left". I had a male from Egypt visit my profile constantly, back then I used to display images of my face as I did now, but only the eye portion. I manipulated photos I put up. Once I did a filmy purple overlap and I colored my eyes like the rainbow and added some chrome tear drops. This Egyptian man kept posting on my wall, saying things like " I don't get you, you confuse, but I like. You have evil eye, are you satanist?" I used to take my intentions more seriously then. I received a ton of mail, only 8 interesting people, 9 counting you.If that's what is reflective of the world, I am ready to pack my bags.

Hehee. That binge dinker picture with the braud wasn't even me. UUrrrr. The one with the shawl was me."When you locked me out of your wall", sorry, that sounds too funny for some reason. Well, I locked you and the other 4 that were all tossing verbal grenades at me all at once! What else is a damsel in distress supposed to do. I lied and said I had finished my data collection but that was bullshit, I was distraught that my expereiment was blowing up in my face all because of one small mistake of mailing that "goldbar" fool. By the way, "goldbar" is McNob! Yes, so you my dear called McNob "McNob" on his wall posts. He must have asked you something you reponded something like " I'm trying to juggle two conversations with a girl who may not be from Belgium and Andy McNob", wow! What he must've thought, probably too stupid to even figure it out.He;s ben around since September of '07....His earliest forum I know of is "007_Brad" and he has Brad Pitts picture. And you did go too far! I will accept your apology once you buy me a lillipop. A red one!

You're far too kind to me. Thank you. Oh and fuck J.K Boring. Bitch. Make way for Knowles. I like that last name, it's catchy, it sounds grand.

I love created riddles. I've been doing it for a good while. It's not something i think of doing, they just fly out so fast on their own. So my pencil is ready.

Aaarrrggg!!! The Japanese are to slaughter thousands of the whale creatures this year for research! Research?! You brainless fools these animals are to be extinct in about 20 years! freaking poachers man!!! (hippy bolted to verbal exterior).That's what they are, poachers hiding behind a science degree, what a sorry excuse for man. I wish to know nothing of this as I can't do a thing about it which causes me to feel rather helpless. Stop wearing lipstick girl, love how it turns the lips to a pout but it is made out of whale blubber. Viva la whales! Now let's go and stick egg rolls in the poachers eyes and rice down their throats.

I don't watch Tv, no I mean I really don't. I used to keep one in my bedroom but I said bye bye. It just has no substance, it represents the plastic people. I want no part. Well, I lied, sometimes I do watch TV in the living room, but only PBS and shows such as "antiques roadshow", masterpiece theatre, Globe Trekker and such. Now I only watch history channel and science channels and national georgraphic and such, I saw McNob shooting an elephant on that show so he's a hypocrate. Mostly I stick to google documentaries. some of the finest you can find. I saw a special last night on the universe, I love these shows. A few years back(1995) the hubble telescope caught astonishing imagery!!I could not believe what I was seeing and dust my ears, because I thought they'd decieved me. We get so caught up in life that we forget how enormous the universe is, well, not I, and certainly not you I don't think?. The notion of Black Patches have been around ,nothing new. The idea is that every black patch we see in the sky isn'y black at all, that there is something occupying every space with some kind of matter. We just can't see it due to the relatively long distances of these objects, billions of light years away, wow, imagine that. Well, the hubby suddenly one moment stopped in its rotation and stared for 10 straight days into one of these patches. What was found was humbling. About 3,000 galaxies were found in that image!!!The milky way itself holds 500,000 milllion stars, we are one amongst them of course. Can you imagine that, what a shocker. If that's the case, it appears silly to think our star , our planet is the only one to harbor life.

Having Indian ancestry bloodlines my beliefs lay deep within mother nature and cosmos and spirituality. There's an interesting belief called Gnostic. They are not atheist. I claim nothing, but that's another story and I will spare you. Its very hard to be, but I do long for a spiritual path it might seem to find divinity within existence in a sense. To me, in a sense everyday is a celebration. A celebration of light, of beauty, of living... not of material culture, but rather the celebration of the simple pleasures of beauty... rich color, beautiful flavors, the smile on a beautiful soul's face...the search for existence and harmony within each soul and a sense of pure equality... its really differently approached than the way it is traditionally looked at in the west and by both orthdox and the europeans... Just thought it neat and thought i would share. There are those who stand out and make it known that they are very much in tune and passionate about their ancestral roots, and those who still exist as part of that culture are astoundingly diligent and loyal to their convictions of life and culture. I am always deeply touched by the beautiful passion and spirituality when I see something about the native american people on tv.

Oh, bosch! how can I forget. Hanging on my wall is his "earthly delights" painting, oh and yes of course it's the original, he gave it to me himself. I love art. We had a wonderful exhibitipn on "impressionist" a few months back. We aquired a number of Van Goghs and Lautrecs. Oh and please feel free to send my ay any of your work of any type. Most interesting. Oh and Jack Keorac, have you been in my bookcase Sir Knowles? He's only one of my favorite writers from the beatnik generation. The first book I ever read was "on the road", still have it, about 9 years now. I remember having a crush on Deam Morriaty and Sal.

Nice work by the way. That Tapeworm isn't you is it? I'm on my way to the WB lot, I'll be back. I really like it, it has spunk, imagination, it's whimsical, and it's secretly brewed with something odd and unexplainable, something parralled to god knows what, me likes. Your attachments are great! I really like your style on things, you have your own pazzaz on your creations.

Oh dear, I will get to this "ps" about philosophy and such next time around. I am catching zzzsss.I do agree, about pholosophy and fusion of psycholgy and how text material is falling behind. It doesn't matter, I only read the book becaseu I need to, I have my own philosophy and theories that very eerily are in line with todays radical new stream of science and philosophy. I have some interesting books with latest concepts, but I find loopholes constantly, much like with all else.

On a seperate email I will send some of my manipulations. I will also send a poem of mine.

~The Queen

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Ahhhh, mmm, rrraaaaawww. I'm just rising and shining. That was me yawning by the way. Sounded like a whale calling. My head hurts though, why? I woke up I checked my email and siting there was 3 mails from you, then my head grew more, now it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

I'm only quickly passing by. I read the word"COCK" and that was my alarm clock, now I'm wide awake, forget the coffee people. You are writing an article about McNob, well then I just can not wait to read it. To add more fuel to your engine, let me give you additional aliases I know of. Here's the run down.

fastguy , do_nothing, goldbar, 007_Brad, sa_sexy, toucan (you are right), sanremo, and there are many more! I just can not find my list, yes I was serious enough to jot down his aliases.

Let me tell you about sanremo...its a female profile, and dumb ass posted on that wall using his profile of "goldbar", these two profile both came from "Morocco", but check out the BLOG indicator, they both have the same website! and it's a bullshit website, its fake like he is. So maybe he posted on his own wall because he has so many profiles he actually forgot that sanremo is actually himself. I have an inkling he is also "easybreezy" and "TheMidlandGirls". Some of these names you will find under your "profile viewers", others you can search them up. For reasons beyond me, some of these names do not show up when searched through the search box. Funny, I found some of his profiles that he has not sign in for over two weeks. Yes I am quite the detective sir, but he has over 11 profiles, I am certain because I once came across all of them , but can not find the list. Believe me that he most certainly has more than 11. There is one for instance, whose profile name includes "knight" and I forgot the rest of the name, I like this character because he talks a ton of shit. On his profile he goes on by saying " read my profile before you send me anything otherwise I may respond and your feelings will get hurt. Do not leave me messages saying "hi, how are you?". I am cynical, pessimistic, ......." one girl posted "hi" and he posted " LISTEN, DO NOT POST ON MY WALL SAYING DUMB SHIT LIKE 'HI' " ..hehee, what a jerk.

Oh, heheee, I have a wonderful secret up my sleeve, the plan will be SMASHING, but I will tell you in time, in time, lad. Patience.

Bye bye for now.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Dear Knowles,

How rude of me not to have answered your proper question whether it would be ok to bother my poor little inbox with your constant nagging messages.I GUESS I don't mind, I GUESS you can . No, but honestly go right ahead, no problem. Oh boy, again, just label me "Rude" already, come on out with it, go find a stamp and ink pad and stamp my forehead already. I have by passed I don't now how many of your questions! They just go unanswered! I apologise, I'll clean up my act. Do not be mistaken and let it cross your mind that the questions are of no value, they are, but I have that annoying proclivity to over look sometimes. I will go back and answer them now.

Correct me if I am wrong but when you and I were not on speaking terms, and before you called me a exploded sausage with apple dip, did you tell me through a wall posting that your wife worked for a bullet factory? I could be wrong. I don't like bullets, I don't like guns, and I don't like wars. No offense, I do respect the brave that embark on these selfless themes . I also know that alot of them are assholes. I know that most have the right intentions. I feel for the ones serving right now, as if dieing wasn't bad enough but expiring without the merit of what the military is about, "just" wars, this war is pointless, it's not "just", its just stupid. I think, wars are awful and for the most part do not accomplish much, except they divide the human race even further apart. On the flip side , it would be naive to say I don't understand it, I mean considering the ways of the world. The first thing the popped in my head was no no of course wars are bad horrible thing that do not accomplish anything, but then I thought about it a bit more, and war is still awful and I don't support it but I think is necessary evil of mankind that still serves purpose at times. Look at people like Hitler, he would have taken over the world really fast if there was no war to stop him, or the Civil war in my country, southerners were not going to just let their slaves go without anything short of what occurred. It is very easy to see the bad side of war, but much harder to see its few benefits (this is a case by case basis, Iraq has no benefits at all, neither did Vietnam) I think wars come down to what are you fighting for, we fought Hitler because he was a mass murdering fuck-head so I think we had to do it yes. We fought the civil war so an entire race of oppressed people could be liberated so yes that was something that had to be done. These are not situations where peace talks work.... you can't sit down with Hitler and say "okay man you had your fun, let's wrap this thing up please" no he will only respond to violence, which is sad but true. Look at the French revolution, people were literally dropping dead of starvation in the streets, and the winter time in Paris is no picnic either, while the monarchy, Marie Antoinette, went on huge and lavish spending sprees with their money from over taxed poor people. Yes war in that case was probably necessary, if I was a starving peasant on the streets of France and I knew I was going to die before not to long, well yeah war would break out I bet, so this goes against my nature and everything deep down I believe, but yes I am going to type it, I think sometimes wars are necessary and sometimes we need them to put people like dictators, tyrants, oppression, and corruption in check. I consider Bush a tyrant ,not that I want anyone to declare war on my own country, but I could not honestly blame them if it happened. Man is a creature of separation.

Silly, it is not "sponge bob & squared pants" it is "spongebob square pants" and I love that cartoon! I have all the season on dvd! In fact, screw writing you, I'm watching some cartoons. It's a good cartoon, if your ear is trained for comedy you can pick up perverted things here and there that small children wouldn't, so this cartoon is fabulous and slick in how it targets both older people and children alike.

In my younger days in elementary school and high school as well, I always was rather independent in mind , thoughts and at a odd angle with others, thank goodness I was never picked on, but even if I were I wouldn't be in their world so I wouldn't be capable of acknowledging a word from their mouths or caring enough to place any value on it. I 've always lived in my own realm with my introspection, even at such a tender age. For some odd reason I've always relate better to older people, I got along with my peers but there was this struggle to keep up with what they thought would be normal, I found myself bending who I was to distorted proportions. I mingled with classmates throughout elementary and high school, but only to an extent, not out of being shy this I'm not, but rather my place was more that of an observer, always very intrigued with complexities rather than kicking a ball. I sometimes avoided separating myself from other people in the thought or otherwise, feeling arrogant or stuck up. But it's unavoidable when I am among people, talking and listening to people ,and I know I'm different. The thing I realize is that I am only differentiating myself horizontally, not vertically, I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else, just different. Now I'm in college and much hasn't changed except for my deeper ramification into the world and mankind and my own discoveries on self and in my mental evolution. I have very few people I call friends and even those friends seem like total strangers a lot of the time. The truth is as a 24 year old college student, I have never come close to talking to someone with whom I feel I deeply relate to. Sometimes this is hard, what adds to it is I don't "fit in" with all the social partying and drinking, that hasn't appealed to me. At other times I feel unique and endowed with some kind of unusual passion and inspiration. My moods vary all the time and my conscious focus on the biggest questions ever dreamed by mankind and are constantly on my mind, while others worry how their hair looks. For instance my latest ponderings have been while studying 50's Beat poets, Ginsberg and Plath. Intriguing how many poets minds have driven to suicide..Plath and Woolf...And the troubled minds in music as well Syd Barret is particularly interesting.S o much sadness..and so much beauty created of sadness..artist are said to bring out the truth in life..is life dominated by sadness and by those poetic voices who see more clearly? Is happiness bliss and really born out of ignorance? is it worth lying to yourself to bring your mind to some sort of contentment about life? Just some things I've been pondering .

That's it and that's all. I'd rather be cursed I suppose, with an overactive brain than one that is in a state of malaise for a lifetime. Painful as it can be..it's much better state of being.

Allow me to pick up my brains. I can not find the screw though...

Your confession, about your intentions on signing up for InterPals, what exactly was it you felt guilty about? You say you are embarrassed to be serious.....alot of comedians have that same defense mechanism that I never fully understood why. I don't want to include the usual scientific explanation of "what happened to you as a child? did someone you really love hurt you?" , I want to know in a quantum level why this is, but it's all relative. I want to know many things. I am eager to know things, too eager. It could very well just be as simple as what you said, you are embarrassed. I somehow have the whole yin yang on it without feeling embarrassed. However, I lied, because why is it there are certain people in which we just can not be ourselves with? It must all be so relevant, it must be with the energy of certain people, sometimes it clashes with our own.

"According to the "New Scientist," evidence from a new experiment involving quantum particles suggests that time itself may be an illusion. Coupled this with the equally disturbing evidence from quantum mechanics that we may be creating the universe simply by observing it". I have thought of this many times before! I have thought that perception is vital, it is why we can essentially "be". You remove perception we have a blank state of mind. Perception is not only connected to the 5 senses, it is embedded in our thoughts as well. That is all we are, thought fused with perception. .....???hmmmm. interesting. Thank you for telling me this.

Your work is great! You know why I enjoy it? well firstly it is funny. Second, it is so much different from my own, so it is very new and interesting to me. Then we have that uniqueness, that wickedness, that witty flavor, all fused with something Inexpressible of the mind of Knowles.

If you happen to have any photographs of old architecture or anything historical from around the UK, please be kind enough to send me something to my inbox. I would do the same but our country isn't interesting in that way, it's a virgin country. You have all the history on your side, lucky devil.

Yes sir! right away sir! whoa, calm down! I'm only taking the creative writing course because I had a gun to my head. I have to take it for my minor....., General Sir. Colonel Mustard, get a CLUE. I loved that board game. I never won but i loved it.Oh and thank you for you saying that I didn't need to take this on, but really, my head is far too big. In fact , please let me know if you see what looks like a hot air balloon tomorrow over the skies of the UK, I want my head returned.

Funny, us? intelligent species. Well, again that is relative. To figure out what I mean, it;s like numbers. To figure out whether a number is to be considered big or small, one must compare to another number. Thus, if we compare humans to animals, we are the intelligent species. Animal are extremely intelligent do not get me wrong. However, humans have something they don't, and that's the degree of consciousness. We have the ability of complexity. So if one must compare two things to deem one in a higher intelligence category, then we have the human species higher than animals, but we have nothing else to compare human intelligence to declare it the highest intelligence. We need something else to compare it with, forget animals that has been done. Therefore, we can not say that we are, because there might be something smarter out there .So the gate is left open, ready for the new comparitable ( this is not a word is it? well I just made it one) to arrive for comparison.

Enough! I am catching ZZzzsss now. Have a delightful weekend master.ore pictures at your request, I too am polite to ask. I wasn't taught , I'm just a innate prude, and I wash my hands after using the toilet are such prudes.

~Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Dear victim,

Sorry to bore you to pieces.

I suffer from slight insomnia. I feel the earth will suddenly stop rotating and just finish the job. Wow. Oh, amazing! I just received an email from you! Here we have been, both typing our ass off simultaneously! What a small world.

AS a collective whole humans are trained to believe in a certain way. To refuse to deal with problems and to refuse to face anything which has been labeled "bad". They prefer the numb. Sometimes one has to slap others the other from the numbness. Stop! Do not go around literally slapping passerby!

I'm referring to crushing people when they prefer support. Let me explain. My father is a very bold person, some even say his stare or glare match his being, cold. I admit to having picked up after him to a certain extent. What others see as rough and cold I see as strength and energy full of truth .The observer quickly questions things, including peoples actions, and deciphering. This leaves one in the corner at times, but people fear truth they prefer the false numbness. Out here in the west, I 'm beginning to gather perhaps it's actually a universal problem not just out west, have the tendency to live life as happy as possible and no worries, avoiding problems setting them aside until the pile grows and blows down, just check out US economy for proof. The thing to be realised is that what one prefers at a moment of sorrow or a moment of despair or just a moment of vulnerability, the best way isn't always to respond towards that person with empathy, that would only pile the bill higher so to speak. The world has enough people practicing empathy , we need no more, it gets nothing in the end but temporary relief. What the world needs is shakers, people who will spit the truth not for evil gains but for the need to flip this place to reality, let go of the plastic, turn away from the illusion, wake up world! This whole planet we call earth, is currently in a state of illusion, we live a mirage, it's upside down in the face of a mirror. What's more frightening is that we have these governments that are run by what seems a mob with hidden agendas, the saying " governed by the people for the people" is another illusion. It's a control system putting the people way at the bottom of the totem pole. Should we be scared? fuck yes, we have officials calling themselves "leaders" of this planet, where the fuck does that come from? It's a big shamble, as a collective whole we are here to lose, as individuals we can win. Wow, i suppose that sounds incredibly pessimistic of me, but that's just my observation and I am such a realist at times. To end this rant, support in the way of empathy doesn't heal all wounds, it merely covers it. The true healer is time and truth, that my boy is the hearts shield. In fact truth no matter how cold it's served, brews intelligence , it makes you grow. Think it over, it makes sense.

Sometimes I wonder about places I'm not. For instance what is happening at home when I'm in piano practice. Or what you're doing this second while I write. I remember riding home with my uncle to his house in Big Bear one day& then watching him drive out of sight over the hill & wondering if he's still there. Almost as if everything is just as far as you can see &just a void that fills in when you top the hill, then everything behind becomes a void. I use to try and force myself to be at two places at once. For instance while my uncle drove away I was mentally trying to continue and see what he was seeing, it took me away from my own state of mind, if that makes sense. Do you follow? I've always been fascinated with the idea of the 'places I'm not'. I hope I can explain this properly........but it's like this. When I was a child I would spend the summers in Big Bear and every August when it came time to go back to the city I would leave with such a heavy heart. And I used to try to leave a piece of myself there. I would imagine that I could leave for the city with my parents but also simultaneously leave a piece of my consciousness on the mountain and essentially be in those two places at the same time. I was a very emotional kid and would feel such a draw to things that gave me comfort that I developed this coping mechanism so as never to go without security and comfort. Some of my earliest memories were of leaving for school in the morning but trying desperately to leave a piece of myself back at home where I would be safe from lack of friends or the discomfort of the classroom. It's just so hard to explain...

Another feeling I would have would be imagining some far off distant dead end street lit by a singular street lamp in some far off corner of the world that in all of it's silent existence and peaceful serenity exists despite all of the turmoil of the world. This one place where things are calm and the woosh of the wind casts shadows of the rustling leaves on the blacktop just persists no matter what the world outside of it does. It exists even now.....somewhere.....as we speak! It's indifferent to the changes that swilrl around it....to birth, death, the milestones of life.....it just exists in a parallel reality. I've always been sort of fascinated with that concept. And while there's revolution in the world, starvation, weddings, funerals, war, heartbreak, jubilation, car accidents, fires, art, plays and the performances of life there is always this peaceful place. Maybe that's what I find it so appealing.....the idea that no matter what the world does to churn your waters there's a safe place somewhere away from it all that exists and cannot be touched.

That sounded a bit twilight zone did it. THat show continues to play on tv till thi sday. It's played on pbs. Although technology and all its advances has paved the way for what is called a more "animated" experience, I can still appreciate and enjoy the ways of the old films take Lan Cheney in the black and white film Werewolf movie. Or even Dracula where the effects of the light to cast a shadow on Dracula's face looked like such a primitive effect. Or the string clearly exposing the little hanging bat under the caves. I watched that film "signs" with Bruce Syphilis and it did put chills up my spine. However, at the very end there is this computerized alien being that completely depletes any eerie sensation I had initially. Some films do an exceptional job at ruining the endings. My point was that the new wave of technology as oppose to the old doesn't warrant or guarantees satisfaction simply because it is up to date. I like seeing the strings hanging off the plastic bat.

There is always an internal struggle going on and the opposing force is everyone outside their minds. I read some parts of a book called Shades of Loneliness about depression, schizophrenia and other mental illnesses and their relation to society and the way society can even be a huge contributing factor to these illnesses. technology and advancement in communications has led to isolation and the dependence upon electronics and computers for just about everything, and the group of people who are truly savvy at these innovations, the "experts," are the people in which everyone places their trust. The general population puts every care onto the expert who really knows how things work, and just want the benefits of what that thing does. It seems that the number of new technology innovations and communications techniques keeps growing and growing while the group of elite "experts" behind it is shrinking. I feel like some day it is all going to come crashing down and there won't be enough people who know how to fix the problem in time to safe society's way of life. Wow, I suppose that is extremely pessimistic, but it's just an idea that popped into my mind. Doesn't seem so fantastic. Even really smart human beings make mistakes. Everything we've built on earth is teetering on top of a thin balance beam of intelligence in which we place our full faith and dependence. It's just a matter of time....

You know something, I think I'll stop here. I am tempted to read your mail, and perhaps I will, but I will respond tomorrow as I am sleepy now. I must check back in with Interpals, see what has happened. OH! I have found 3 more possible aliases. Let me quickly go check out the names. To the untrained eye these are all different people. However, when he rejects placing animal pictures up pay attention to the details of the pictures. They appear at low pixels, thus causing the imagery texture to look unwell. There is perhaps half a dozen of these so called low pixel quality profiles out there. NO! perhaps more.

There is Keane_16 who has a kangaroo as his picture. Then there is STEVEENGLISH. Woah, so many. I will jot names tomorrow on my suspicions. Give me the word and I'll blow his house down. I will pay you a visit tomorrow on there and I will introduce you to another one of my characters which I've yet to invent. I have to creep into his other profiles and strike while the iron is hot. Let me know how the date turns out with bubble girl. One more thing, many many times this man McNob posts on his own wall with his other profiles. Not only that, but I am following hidden moves he makes and unraveling more aliases precisely because the sucker posts on his own walls. Moreover, I follow the storyline, when he posts on some woman's wall for example, he will sign in as another one of "himself" and post to the same female in close proximity of timing.

Yes, I know..call me Sherlock. I know, I know.

O O, I read your email and it had the word "perception", one of my favorite and most used words! Oh, ok, I understand my job now, I am good with ripping theories to shreds. No, but I did take an IQ tests and I saved the results, and here it is ....

"The way you think about things makes you an Information Organizer. This means you have an eye for detail. You can scan a page and find the one mistake on it. You're also able to organize things in a way that makes sense and arrange information so that it is easier to understand. This makes you a very valuable resource for others who aren't organized or who have trouble catching their own mistakes. It's often difficult for traditional intelligence tests to pick up your particular set of abilities because the talent of organizing information and spotting inconsistencies is much harder to measure than other abilities.

How did we determine that your thinking style is that of an Information Organizer? When we examined your test results further, we analyzed how you scored on 8 dimensions of intelligence: spatial, organizational, abstract reasoning, logical, mechanical, verbal, visual and numerical. The 3 dimensions you scored highest on combine to make you an Information Organizer. Only 6 out of 1,000 people have this rare combination of abilities". Mm, then they warn me at the very end, the fine print which we must all be aware of, that this is in not to be taken as an actual measure of my IQ..what a bummmer. BUT, I must agree with this small section of the test results.

K, talk to you tomorrow. Have a delightful day Sir Knowles.

~Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Mike,

Just woke up for a glass of water. You should have seen me just hours ago typing away here like a maniac on drugs to your inbox. I even left the laptop running, now my battery level indicator is the size of a slither. I checked my email and read top portion. I bet you came up with the genius idea of arrangement with our mail because that last one I sent was simply awful and lacked any theme whatsoever. I apologise I just ran with it. A tissue for my tears please. I think I'll sign up to that club of arrangement, 1. for you, 'cause if I continue my ordinary rant style and you do not I will only give you a hard time while you give me a easier time, that i snot fair..... 2. you make organising sound fun... 3. may be good for my sanity

So then, what category would McNob fit in? Into the mitty or ,what is that other one called....oh, lifestyle? I must remember to study the category meanings, I have even more homework now, thanks to you. Well this is quickly about McNob. While drowning my water like a drunkard does his beer, I poked my head on Interpals. I followed Goldbars and Senremos messages from mine back to your profile. I have read what both had to say, and what you had to respond with, hehee, silly Knowles. You are too convincing, I don't even know whose side you are on just now. No, but I think, well I don't think but I am thinking what I have always had an inkling, this McNob is not a stupid one.He might be onto us perhaps. Ahhhhh. WE will see then.I must come up with something.

Now, back to sleep for a bit longer.

~Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Great, now I must train my eyes to feel little and light to fall alseep again. The dumb laptop lighting caused my brain to feel alert. I don't want to feel awake, I want my eyes to feel little, light so I can slumber. That great feeling where the yes feel drowsy and the brain feels like a wondering zombie fool. THere are sugar plums dancing in my head, I must seek. Thou for art not ready to re join the wretched state yet, thy needs slumbering peace.

Ok, here I go.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Dear Mike,

I listened to the State of the Union address tonight. My opinion is the same as other opinions I get with these speeches. What I say is that is sounds good, but talk is cheap. It's typical for a president to talk out of his ass. Most of his plan layout sounded attractive and alluring. It takes action to convince. His comment on global warming and reduces greenhouse emissions did fall well with me. Why? He had numerous occasions to pass a global warming bill to force companies co-operate through specific guideline to reduce these emissions. He never signed any such bill nor did he pay much interest in the problem. He had a "just" war to think about with all those weapons of mass destruction and all. I will touch on global warming after this thought stream. It's about my country .

I always knew there were countries other than the US. I always knew there were other people occupying space in countries other than the US. I always knew that those countries held unique ways of life and cultural traditions. I just never had the knowledge in details in my mind. I blame that on my country to a large extent. I love my country for many reasons, I dislike my country for many reasons. Our education on the world, or lack thereof, is a problem. Oh but it's intentional.

As far back as my memory allows me to recall, history class revolved primarily around our US history .Of how great our forefathers were. Of how we were to be a INDEPENDENT country that would make it, hopeful in all its potential and promises. Well, obviously they took independence too literally because the only mentions of other countries in class was with effort to place them in the shadows . Excellent job. In large part due to that I had been walking down a dark empty road growing up when it came to geographical locations and cultures.

The US parasite is simple and it only causes deprivation for the host it feeds upon.THe host is the people. The virus breeds illusions, illusions are the simplest entrance doorway when attempting to deceive and to lure the subconscious and thus linking it directly to the conscious. Interestingly enough its conception has been around since the founding of the country. History indeed appears repetitive. What has been the focal point? Well, power of course, beyond the realm of reason. Somehow it turns out that we are are the only ones to matter, the only ones to be considered. This nation is a creature of separation. Man is a creature of separation. THe US is somehow "prestige" in comparison to other countries. There are two basic notions that most foreigners seem to agree upon when it comes to the display of my country; A) greedy , selfish money hungry buffoons ,B) Superiority complex.... among other surely. I agree to a certain degree. The emphasize on power is evident in present day situations. It's quite a spectacle.

The conceit and aggressive behaviors on the initial phases in forming this country was feasible. You take a virgin country trying to stand on its own just as other before had, force is needed for survival. There were benefits from pride, power, aggression, and strong attitudes. It conceived a powerful nation that is still seen today. America was born a bully. A bully does what it wants and has what it wants at all costs and measures. No one ever taught the bully and I venture to say, the only means of survival it what it is, what it only knows. The brutal behavior that gave rise to this nation remains what holds this nation. It holds no other way of sustaining itself, it knows nothing else. In fact, not in defense in the form of permanent impression, but a plausible reason for such instability may be due to that fact that we are just that, a virgin country. In comparison to the already well established countries, America is merely 232 years old. That could be a valid reason for its shape shifting instability. Almost like a teenager who struggles to define himself. That, compounded by an ever changing universal evolving of society and tradition. In a sense America might forever be trapped in its dimension of brutality. Or perhaps its a mixture of strength and grace. Or perhaps it's not the Us that is trapped, perhaps we evolve too rapidly and are eager to push selfishly beyond borders , by our independent selves of course, and I guess that's why others would deem us as insane harlequins. The difference is today bully is intoxicated on a drug , intentions have been amplified and there's too much power that even threatens our stable instability. The long arm of America has stretched too far and can rape anything beyond its borders it wishes to claim in a fraction of a second. It even takes advantage of its own. Depriving and controlling our knowledge of the outside. Something instilled upon our vulnerable minds since young.

Now that I'm older and more curious than ever of other countries, I know where to find information when I want it. There is the internet to get information. There are penpals. There are books and magazines. It would have been more ideal however to learn these things as young.

I don't hate my country, on the contrary I love it. As a collective whole and individualist, we have hope. American people are beautiful and rather generous. We embrace originality and individualism and strive in creativity. Being labeled the "melting pot" is something I'm proud of. There's a uniqueness to the land and it's people. I'm just waiting for the gates to open so others can be let in .The problem is the administration.

About global warming. There is no denying it. It's happening each day as every hour and every minute ticks life away. There is imagery on the internet where satellite images compare the earths ice sheets from 30 years ago until today. The contrast is unbelievable. Then there's the whole North and South Pole stories let out in 2004 I think. Where ice sheets named Ledge A, Ledge B ,and Ross Ledge were described as breaking apart and floating away eventually melting. What will happen? The waters will rise. In 2004 a chunk of Ledge B broke off. I hope I recall this information correct, if not it is very similar. Ledge A leans on Ledge B and Ross ledge on Ledge B. Ledge A broke apart, the prediction was that it does not matter as it would take years for it to melt. It melted in a matter of weeks. Then Ledge B followed, a very similar prediction with similar results if I recall. Now Ross ledge is showing signs of breakage. Good work people. Excellent job.

There's a project to embark on in the museum. It's enjoyable but alot of mental exhaustion. I do not mind but it runs beyond closing hours. This for the next 3 days.

I'm off to bed. I have a huge headache. Am I whining? Well mt widdle head aches. What? Oh, no, its ok, I don't need pampering. I really don't. What? Reverse psychology? me? Never.

I've got the ink for printer. I'm taking my position soon. I just need my glass eye back. Hehee, you goop .I read your profile on Interpals, talking about eyeballs made of glass and something about rectal juices. You're a winner, the ladies will crawl all over you.

You're right about my anorexia. I will be the thinnest in America. Doesn't matter , forget the famine look, or the odd heart thumps, or my skin turning transparent, or the possible death. At least I'll be thin and I will finally fit in with mainstream Hollywood. Yes, traveling through keyholes has always been a dream of mine. Let's look at he bright side, when I 'm in the shower and the drain swallows me whole, I have a good chance of traveling through pipes like Super Mario and end up in a new destination .Beats expensive airline tickets.

~Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Mike!

I told you. Did I not say that Goldbar is on to us. He is stupid, but he pretends to be stupid so we can look stupid. Here we have the 3 stooges; goldbar, Knowles, and Charity. All pretending. We have become part of our own making. You are keeping a great swing on things. That other fellow 007_Brad left me an inbox but I have not logged in as of today . Some people have things to do unlike goldbar. Oh, and Sanremo is trying to form a square to our triangle. Anywho, I am almost certain Brad has some bad news for me because he did not post on my wall like he ordinarily does with others but rather he left me a private inbox. Last time McNob did that to me with his profile sa_sexy he surprised me with his words by saying " listen you are barking up the wrong tree lady. You did not send a carbon copy to him (you, Knowles) because I am him. Or am I. What role I am in ....." and blah blah blah. So, with McNob a private message typically spells trouble. I'm scared. Right. Of course I am.

Oh, I see goldbar just logged off. Yes, I monitor the live updates from time to time. Don't ask me how or when, I am mysterious . Ok out with it. I work for the SAS. Guilty as charged. When I was under the name "confusion" I was confused. I met a man who I think remains on the site. His username is "jmoponfire". He is wild, but he is not McNob. That story later. It goes to show one never knows who they are communicating with.

I have not logged in to Interpals as I am in the museum. We have a new man on the scene by the name of "falcons", I will give you one guess. He has posted to sanremo and goldbar, in simple terms, he has posted to himself. He has also posted to me. I think you are next. I better brush up on my Afrikaans tongue because I am certain once I respond he will ask me about it. Ay.

~Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Mike,

I do not know what is the matter with you. For some reason beyond me you are avoiding me. I left you 2 messages in interpals, clearly you are signed in as indicated by the green light on the screen. So is your pal. I will not write much today as I do not know how to take any of this. So I will wait for your reply to whatever is going on. Why is it that you ceased posting on Goldbars wall and instead switched to private messaging? . You should know I am no dummy. Do whatever you want with him, just do not discuss me with him. I have confided in YOU because you have allowed me in. If you have not been sincere in our blooming friendship I hope you have the guts to tell me so I will know what to do from there. If this is some sort of misunderstanding forgive me I will go bake you some of that German getus mumbo jumbo cake you like .I don't want you to think I do not have trust in you, clearly all my deep vulnerable emails have proven that.

Answer me boy!

~Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Dear befuddled brains,

Geez, what a goop i have been. I do apologize as I should have known better. I went bananas, bananas I tell you! it must have been the air, the moon ,the moods.

Here you go again, you are wasting valuable tree for your tears. I am simply running out of tissue. I do not know how to cook so well, so I asked Patty cake Patty cake bakers man, to bake me a cake as fast as he can. Have you received it yet? It reads, "sorry Sir Knowles", oh and never mind the bitten piece.

Something is off with that site! Your green light was on the whole time. Is it just me or have you noticed that the volume of people online nearly tripled over 3 days and continues to grow. We now have over 5,ooo people which completely slows the site up. Back in my days about August of '07,there was only 1000 some users with ordinarily 300 persons online at once. The number 400 at one time seemed unfeasible. Popularity.It <http://unfeasible.Popularity.It>reminds me of the current state of universal over population. That is wild that mail you received from that woman, however, it is not unbelievable considering the recent green light mumbo. Go check out what I have written on GB wall after he called me a scammer.

Indeed your emails arrived safely yesterday. Do not fret I will get to them. I am eager to discuss your words. I can not wait to comment on the prints you sent. I told you boy that for 3 days I'd be working overtime on a museum project which is sucking the life out of me. Good news, Wednesday is the final day so no more of this delay crapola .Boy, no patience whatsoever. Virtue would not be happy.

ABC 123. That system was set like a shining marble. Nothing is perfect, only perfectly flawed. Therefore we as humans are composed from mistakes to a large degree. Flaws are beautiful because its part of survival I think. I think? It is also completely unavoidable in this un-perfect world. Furthermore, good and bad can come out of it. It's not the world which is un-perfect, it is humanity's problem. If one keeps moving along there is something new with every step....we will alll make and have made mistakes...with mistakes we gain experience, and experience in turn can make mistakes, as dark as this will sound..it is vital for mistakes to exists, it's only through them we gain vital lessons and also we gain appreciation for the "good". Trust. Yes, at times it does not come easily. Its in my nature and partly in realization of the wretched sensitive receptors. Beyond the realm of reason trust has come easy towards you. I know you are you and not a McNob silly goose .I have checked toonhound the first time I layed eyes on your profile. But, great advertising mentioning it none the less. I do not know, re-reading this last paragraph looks blah But I 'll leave it because I thought it.

Only when we trust our intuition can we be creative and find a sense of meaning in this miserable world, but no way of life is more haunted by pitfalls into the abyss of hopelessness. When you've touched the specimen stones of universal insight, you experience a moment of gratification not comparable with any stimulus found in the material world. But as the devils watchdogs keeps pulling your leg, sooner or later you'll loose balance and land harder than anyone who thinks moderation expresses some sort of life wisdom.

In the quest for truth (sometimes trust) there can be no moderation. The reason for this is that if every clear thought, every principle, every logical argumentation, is to be modified by common sense, then what we end up with is mental stagnation. -And to me, mental stagnation equals death. Common sense is a mixture of sense and prejudice in an indistinguishable stew of unclear, often contradictory set of thoughts. It might teach you how to survive in this world, but I prefer to be on the brink of the precipice rather than to adapt to something so incompatible with honest reflection.To genuinely believe in and live by the philosophy that acquiring truth is the main purpose of life, will inevitably create an insurmountable void between yourself an most other people. One simply cannot accept and keep the set of norms and moral standards partly imposed on you in childhood, so one decides to base ones way of life on ones own reasoning. This makes it possible for one to see things clearly where others are blinded by their habit thinking.

I am so anxious to learn.

How can it be possible for a cephlopod to exist?

They are apart of the Mollusk family and can completely transform into anything with any sort of texture or pattern.

I had once seen a video . So unbelievably majestic. These sort of squids are not dangerous, or venomous in any way. So naturally there only defense mechanism is shapeshifting. On the video I watched this creature swam right next to a coral and could replicate the colors, even the texture! So it would suddenly go from being smooth and squidlike to rigid/rough. I wasn't built to understand how this can happen. Even watched it swim above a chess board and sure enough went to white and black glossy squares with that smooth plastic like texture.

In hopes of keeping your interest or perhaps raising your spirits I am sending you a few passages I just uncovered. This is some riskay material never before seen....before.

After an ardurous Junk-Drawer Dive in which some diligent skimmage took precedence over traditional sleeping procedures , I came across a few hidden gems from St. Columbkille Elementary School - Grade 2. 1993-1994

The following excerpts are from the masterpiece collection not so officially entitled "Selected Works by Charity"

"I Am Thankful"

I am thankful for my teacher.

I am thankful for my family.

I am thankful for my brother.

I am thankful for my house.

I am thankful for the world.

I am thankful for the trees.

I am thankful for my school.

I am thankful for my life.

I am thankful for my friends.

I am thankful for animals.

"Winter, Oh Winter"

Winter, oh winter,

I love you so much.

The way you snow then turn into dust.

If only a blizzard would hit,

It would be so fun.

Winter, oh winter, you're so cruel.

"The Bull Fight"

Once upon a time on a ranch there was a cowboy named Bobby Joel. He was very clumsy. So one day he had to ride the BULL. He was very, very, very, very, very nervous. But he had a plan. So the day he was going to fight the bull he put on his silliest clothes and acted very, very stupid. And the bull laughed so hard he blew up. He never saw the bull again.

THE END

"The Mysterious Ocean"

The ocean was still, the wind was soft and the sun was out. And inside the house of the Bingybergs it was a busy morning. One day the Bingybergs went to the ocean but Nicky did not go he was afraid of the ocean but he went anyway. But when he got there the ocean was not there instead there was a cemetery. Nicky could not find his family. He searched and searched he thought his family DIED but they didn't. It was just a dream. In the morning the Bingybergs went to the ocean for real life. But this time they went there the same thing happened and since they went to the ocean the same thing happened and also for his parents it happened. And Nicky could never figure out why it was happening. But after a while Nicky figured out why it was happening. Each day it was the same DREAM.

THE END

"One Wish"

Once upon a time, a boy was named Alexsander. One time, he went in the woods, and he saw a leprechaun. The leprechaun said, hello. So he grabbed the leprechaun And he said, "So where is the gold?" "Here's the gold, you get 1 wish. What's your wish?" "I wish for happiness in the The world." Then he went home.

THE END

Oh oh. Here I go mixing lifestyle with mitty on a sweaty couch. I must get some more sleep now. My paranoia has ceased and the shadows on my wall have gone to bed. Have a delightful day. Oh, is that a smile I see....come on..smile...lets see the widdle cheeks of joy. Boo boo bye bye, all better now?

Your imaginary still getting to know her and her moody self friend,

Charity

(A bow is performed, she turns her back to the audience and walks slowly away with her head lowered to the ground. Her silent walk and baby like steps ascending.S he turns and disappears beyond the dark stage. A flower is tossed onto the stage.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Rembrant,

Being part of the museum here one gets secret insight to what is behind the museum walls. Or rather, what is ON the museum walls. Sometimes the paintings that are put up are not the actual paintings at all. A false replica is used. This is seldom done but never the less. I do not know if this is legal but I guess its for security purposes. Then furthermore, some permanent exhibitions are in fact not the real deal. The ugly part of it is that sometimes curators know it and sometimes they do not, but they still hang them up.Like in any other job, some curators are bad guys. They take in pieces they know are replicas. There is of no such painting as these in the Getty rest assured, otherwise I would be no part of it. But there has been before, however those were borrowed. Which still isn't right if the Getty knew about it.

Knolwes, we must talk art sometime. You are a fan aren't you. I gather you are from the wonderful pieces you've sent me. So different from what I am used to. Shamefully I have not had space to sit and go through all your mails. By the time I get home my eyeballs are asleep.

There is nothing more irritating than dishonesty. Money is not the root of all evil any longer, well its there on top of the list. Dishonesty has taken its place. More are feeling the rot of the world. The rot of their own rotten creation. This are tumbling and teeter tottering.

~Van Gogh

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Mike, do you have a multiple personality disorder? Or is tombrown McNob?

Ps, I will get to your mails soon. Don't worry the widdle bwain.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

yes, tombrowne is another one of his. Do you have any other profiles you are not telling me about ey you sticky fingers? Go ahead and create one, I want to see what type of character you conjure up.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

What photo? Alter ego? schooldays? mud AND water? buggers have toes? woman, where?

I better get back to class, because you are correct, I am confused???????

You belong in a asylum if you dare imagine for a second that there is more to life than interpals. Viva la interpals!

Patience! I have read much of your other stuff, of course horse. I just need time to repond, hectic days you know.

~ a figment of your imagination

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My good twin,

Of course I have considered on how alike we are. Did you not get the news from the news papers? We were separated at birth you big goop. Clearly I'm the one with brains. Tuff for you. You got stuck with the whole comedic mumbo jumbo. Our good pal McN would say "tuff".

The structures of the museum are nice. The way the coloration and style is executed on some of the buildings reminds me of The Island of Crete, Greece. There is a fountain in the center of the museum. The display is of many rocks. I call it my rock. Typically I'll sit there during night hours when the museum closes and I think or I don't think. Also, during those hours there is no one around, so I have peace and certainty that I could let one rip out of my ass. Bon voyage. A lot of wonderful pieces are laid out all over the grounds; from statues to fountains, and even a whole garden. Blah.

2 more pictos for you. The first is of the sacred farting grounds. The second is of a painting that called to me. It's another fine quality, not blurred, perfectly crisp. My attention was drawn to it because that there arm looks 3d, it looks real. The shadows caused by that arm is unbelievable. Go ahead, take a look at it then come back here and continue reading....................

Aha! Watson, you need to brush up on your visual perception. That arm is indeed out of the picture, its my own arm. I was starving and on the brink of hallucination, I needed a fruit.

Yours truly,

evil twin

Trollhunting.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Fellow Worm,

That Villa you mentioned is actually part of the Getty but its located not too far from the Getty museum in Malibu. It is a recent new addition to the Getty. I've been there a few times. Yes it is a slice of heaven .

There are many shows I have watched on BBc and I am certain I have watched the special on Rome. Its beyond me why I can not remember it at this moment though. Blah blah blah blah blah. I like the shows where they dig up ancient cities and pottery and somehow conclude how an ancient civilization came to be, how it was, and how it came to end. Amazing. I thought about becoming an archaeologist you know. But i easily get nose bleeds in the heat. So maybe that is not the best idear.

I just finished watching on google the story of Pompeii .Wow. That is all I will say.

"you seem like a hippie tripping on LSD but with intellect". That is possibly the most memorable comment I have ever received. I received this months ago when my genuine profile was up. I can only image what you would have written me. Some understood, some pretend to understand, and some just do not understand. I laughed the whole day on that afternoon.

What is thought to be the oldest woman on earth died in 2003. Believed to be 128 years old! From a small island (?) .It is said her meals consisted of dumplings. They said she never ate past 6 pm. So there is the secret to longevity my boy, in two sentences. You can thank me later. Perhaps make me some dumplings at 5:30pm.

Lad. Have you any idea when we will TKO McNob? I intentionally avoid logging in at times. Why? My reason is one of guilt or something. Consider me a spy. Spies work in close proximity to the "enemy"(McNads). You have innocent bystanders ( genuine people on interpals). The spy must separate himself emotionally and not form any attachment. Can you imagine that. Sometimes dooping people for years on end. There is 2 genuine people on interpals I am forming a bond with. It's two females. I do not think they are McNads. You can see one lady on my wall there from Australia. She asks me about my career. If I answered i would be forced to lie because I am not in Africa and I am not working with animals. I don't mind lieing to dishonest people, a taste of their own medicine is what I prescribe, you will understand Dr.Harold Ramsden (great name by the way). So how does a spy confess to someone genuine " oh, I've talked with you about my hate for liars and scammers. But guess what? I'm one myself. Please accept me anyway". The thing is I am myself with these 2 people i mentioned and they like the "me" I truly am. However, my profile itself is false. That in itself will ruin trust and what nots. So , it will be against my own wants when I let these people go and end the private messages and once I delete my profile. That is why I am anxious to blow that jerk to hell already. So I can let go and not damage these good people. I hate being dishonest to "real" people. Ahh.Bla.

Awwwwrrrynnn. Must catch zzzss.

Have a delightful day lad.

Wait!! Where does the past go? I mean, the present is less than a mere second. So, that would make nothing "live". The present quickley becomes the past. Where did all our actions of the present go? Does the past just vanish? Oh! Wowzzer. I must write and explore further this in my journal .....

Forever

~Bookworm

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Twin,

From time to time our emails have shown a reach of level of verbal understanding concerning our indestructible bond .Subtle at times, yes. Straight forward at other times, yes. However, the non verbal connector beat the verbal connector long ago. This is truly one of those situations which has a dual effect. It's where vertical and horizontal coexist as one. The spot of concentration where we have landed is where the intersection where the two meet, down the mid section. The first(*) kind sometimes makes one questions" wow, is the melody really bouncing off from wall to wall?" ,meaning I cannot believe I have actually come across you. This is the side that needs reassurance from time to time, not because we question it in actuality, but because subconsciously we enjoy how fulfilling of a realm this all is. The surreal is sublime magic lantern pieces. The second duo effect(**) is, more of a "yes, this is what it is", as there are no words to express at another level at times. On this side of the duo effect, no words need be said, instead energy does the work. Almost as if you and I were sitting in the couch watching...let us say, antiques roadshow. We need no words to express ourselves over a certain art piece shown because we would complete our sentence or thoughts through energy. We simply would nod our heads. This is in line with the whole "complimenting ourselves" idea you gave me. If we were to speak about the piece we'd possibly only finish off each others sentences ,no??? This was a baby food of my explanation/expression. Your umbilical cord theory was best. Just like now, you already know I will say I understand 0%, completely with what you said. Your words mean a lot to me(and you! narcissism) "Beyond time and distance"....0%

Yuk, umbilical cord in a literal sense is yuk. Each time I hear that word I'm reminded of how my poor sister Ivette was nearly choked to death by one when she was born.

Listen Mad Hatter. The "Eye" made for a truly new reading experience. You are mad my boy, mad I say!.I like that. Thank you, if it wasn't for your sharing of such writings, my imagination inbox to the "outsiders magic writers" would be empty as a clam. What a entertaining short story. As I left you my riskay child material a few notes back..I would not help my wondering off into thinking what imagination you must have had as a child. Truly a magnificent one I bet. Keep them coming whenever you wish to share. My door is ajar, come come, peek.

It is vital to our very "existence" to never let go of our child like imagination. What a time when my mind streamed with the rivers of whimsical, of thoughts streams just spewing and fusing entangling with imagination. It remains today.

Most adults and imagination?....many adults are hesitant or lack enthusiasm. As if aging means a resigning of life. There's a problem there, a universal one, and it appears that yes life experiences plays a role that has gotten those to that state, but, we maneuver around this landscape we call "free will"(dieing to hear your theory on "free will" in time lad, in time), and the splitting mechanism is that some people choose to be trapped on this one sphere. Life experiences consume them, they choose to stay and remain in a rot. The inspiration and the will to float on has been replaced by constant worrying, fear, stress, bitterness and such blockades of their "real"(fake) world that has caused their very life's to be sucked bone dry. As if life has been figured out or solved or broken in from its enchanted spell by some silly notion that prevents one from perceiving anything lively with eyes wide open. Like if there's no more to look upon or towards, we know only a spec of anything and the rest of nothing, and the journey continues. Many sad souls have forsaken what this beautiful place is all about. This is a shame for each day beholds something worth a damn, something in the way of natural delight, just in the sunrise itself, and the smiling moon at night. Wow, mother nature must truly view such inhabitants as her time wasted in vain, her wonderful show of landscapes, the worlds ocean tub, the starling skyline, the amazing sunsets, the fantastic coloring and painting of all this, the whole damn canvas brought to you directly by her...and yet people turn away and shut the shutters...ahhh, sad. So see, separating oneself from life and imagination is living dead. The sun will remain, the cosmos, the mysteries ,nature, and all earthly gifts, but some will unfortunately sail too short and anchor in that Bertha there, the docking station of crippled mental retreat, so numbing. I prefer to be in a natural psychotropic state...remember that quote Dali said " I don't do drugs I am drugs", He conceived this after he met me. The fleet of human creatures and mirage of certain perception will inevitably sadden people like myself, but the bond with what is pure and in our constant presence plastered and deep rooted in soil will cease to abandon me, even if one abandons it. If ever I find you slipping away from me into such chasm I will provide a rope and some ass kicking for you;) Let us not turn that. Let's always taste life and acceptance for whatever may be, let the sun beam on your face, let the moon beams guide you , let the stars bedazzle you, let the world elements touch you like nothing else can, let us be silly at 80+, never let go of your inner child, that keeps one from stagnation, that keeps one from the berate wild notion that age has rules and limitations and certain manners to follow,live ,just live and enjoy it:) your soul is your guide, all else is a broken compass. Viva Pinocchio!

About filmstrip....Aye. Mike I am very childish at times. Though I did write all the mumbo jumbo on your inbox on interpals as a joke for your ears to perceive, that somewhat on a level spewed out of genuine feeling. I have this annoying proclivity to be competitive . I blame some on my father. He has always placed me first and over indulged me on most everything. I guess I somehow subconsciously selfishly expect that from others as well. You can see the downfall can you not. A fragile glass art piece on a pedestal of dirt. Jealous and cruel but smart enough(sometimes) to know better. My few friends laugh at me on this. I am reminded of my friend Dylan who brought along some friend I did not know. The whole night I made sure that his new friend made certain i knew Dylan more than he did. I subtly smothered on his face past stories and such shenanigans. I don't know, there is no point to me. McNob is right, I am a "nutter".

Yes, age is relative ,Mike. No matter if she is 16. Sixteen, a number. It reveals nothing as far as intelligence . A number is worthless not representing the inner core. Let me use physical presentation as an example. You can apply this method to the whole age thingy.

Good thing I learned that lesson long ago...I have a pirate friend out in the Docks of Long Beach. My pirate friend looks like Quasimodo, but looks are very deceiving and one mustn't rely on physical ( or age)judgment so much, it's bad company and for the most part an illusion, our outer appearance is merely for presentation, it reveals nothing within our core and only reveals what we want others to "think" to see, a false display. I can give you the biggest friendliest smile you've ever seen, and yet inside my eyes could be slit. Or, I can give you the finger and inside really mean " i love you". Blah.

I was to send you some photography I did today but I am still looking for time to manipulate it. Not certain whether to leave color on it or not. I can do both I do guess. When I was younger, about 8, i was curious to see light. I thought if I took my mothers camera and set up the flash to snap I could see light. I thought I would somehow see little men working the rays and beaming them in my eyes. I took the camera and rested the flash button on my left eye. I then hit the button for a picture to take. Geez!! That was smart you know. Attention all kids: do try this at home. I thought I'd gone blind. I have never seen a bigger glob of green stuff in my life. The square button image kept appearing in front of my injured eyeball. Took an hour for my eye to settle back to normalcy and my panic to cease. Since then, I have this constant sepia "filmy" view from my eye. One can not see it by outer appearance, its interior damage. The funny thing is that this filmy thing travels from eye to eye. I can see normal color, just add a thin sheet of brown to one side and that there is my vision impaired. Ahhh, that explains why you like B&W images so much. Since I am you and you are me, you flashed your eye at 8 years old. Its all coming together now. Yes, yes lad, i know.

I am forgetting something...I 'm forgetting something....arrrrggg!!! It's blown with the wind.

Memories to hang on the hall of memories.

"lots of love (self love?) " , Knowles, hehee, you are the best. Comedy gold.

K, I must rest up and journey through fields of dreams now. Have delightful day, twin. OUch!!! Listen, I know you have a hard time with your silly brain to jump start, but slapping us around will not get us no where. I can feel it from here. Try some coffee instead. Ouch, don't slap us again.

Forever,

Charity

Ps, Sorry I took so long. Just got through watching part 2 of Pompeii. Wow.I should have made better use of my time and writen more on here. I was to tell you something??>..geez. I'll remember.

PPs, I am giving myself a partial day off tomorrow. No school for me lad.

Oh wait!!A thought stream. Just in.

That male who called me a "hippy on lsd but with intelligence"....where does he get off. I took it as a compliment. And Wow the ways I could pick that apart. One can not define someone in less than a sentence no matter how simple they might be for even the simplest humans are very elaborate. And most unsettling, that statement implies "hippies" (whatever that actually means) are not smart, and I personally feel nothing could be farther form the truth. Yes the hippie sub-culture made some bad decisions but that can be said of any sub-culture I suppose. Hippies were very intelligent and had a lot of things to offer the society in which they lived in. In my eyes, the 70's was among my top favorite eras. It produced and experimented with true originality. The art and liberty movement really flourished. The music was top notch. Peace was emphasized. The best.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Mike,

Looks like I overslept. I am very well when I slep 6.5 hours. If I sleep beyond 8.5 hours then my mind turns lazy and wants more sleep. Wild.

Thank you for the emails which I havn't gone through patiently as I am late for the museum. I did see my Mike on there on the pictures. Some thought streams stirred up whcih I will get to later on tonight. Well, at least I will be a bit late anyhow, I think?. Sometimes I wish I could care more about "priorities" concerning the outside world.The world that imposes rules and regulations. Yuk. I just don't feel towards it as much as I perhaps should. Or as much as society and normal go abouts may want me to. I can't help it Mike. I don't mean to not "feel" on purpose. Today I rather stay home and finish some art projects I started while ago.

I am making a friendship glass piece from a glass shaped like Alladins lamp. I put some sand from my sand collection of beach sands inside. Then I add these beautiful colred glass beads. I then seal the bottle with a cork, like those wine corks you see. Then I tie ribbon around the neck of the bottle. Some look stunning, some look blah. BUT they make for fantastic sun/light catchers.

I just wanted to show you this profile I found yesterday on interpals. Some users have not logged in for over a year! Like this clearheaded female I want you to see. Something tells me Medusa's dead . http://www.interpals.net/GothicChick14 . Oh, and she's from California , thank you for representing us in such bright light. As it is the world loves us and thinks we are the best and brightest. Exceptional job.

~Charity

From: Mike Knowles

To: Charity

Dear Tardy One,

Rip Van Winkle overslept so you're in good company. A friendship glass, eh? Does the glass represent friendship or are you supposed to become friends with it. Actually, when you come to think of it, glass is a perfect friend because of their honesty. They're always transparent. And they make great drinking partners. You must send me a picture of this friendship glass. Aladdin's Lamp. Eh? Now there's the rub.

I checked on that profile and she is a bit of a Goth. Her picture still haunts me and I have nightmares. Having sex with her would be like mating with Boris Karloff. It's just lucky that this feminine fashion wasn't popular when I was younger otherwise I'd probably have ended up either gay or celibate. Anyway, have a nice day at work.

Mike.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Awww, look at the big goop. He wants me to be safe and sound like a baby chickling. The tin man has a heart afterall.

Since you worry about me I shouldn't tell you I almost got smushed by a big rig today. Day before that I swerved like a snake as I tried to avoid a huge decorative pillow in the midst of the highway. Hey, highways need to relax and unwind to. They have too much company so a decorative pillow suits just fine. Then last year I hit some black ice on the mountain road and went flying to the side of the rocky mountain. They tell me that may be why damage brain my brain damaged my might be me mind ,oh dear.See what I mean.

Your words mean alot to me Mr Tingly Sensation. Just think....had we operated on our preconceived pure visual stimuli notions of each other(sausage face and all), we may have not become goops. There's a real lesson in that. And I'm happy that the lesson bore such beautiful rotten moldy fruit! Yes lad, I was so vulnerable that I confessed and used the word vulnerable.I always pictured an analogy. I have a strong gravitation towards large or small bodies of water(ocean, streams, waterfalls.).I picture the human race as fleet of boats out in the seas. It turns out my half of the water is seldom explored.The water less traveled. Headlights turn on and seek other ships. I am bored with the other half of the water . I sometimes feel like holding my breath for revelations and waiting for the sky to fall. I live with an unforgiving imagination. If I do not exercise it I am consumed by a living hell. If I exercise it - I create a living hell. I believe I found you here as well. It turns out we're more than two ships passing in the night searching out each other's light. We have locked onto each other and now sail together lit up like beacons in a vast dark ocean. What a wonderful thing to happen.. I'm convinced that this is a very rare thing in life that deserves to be cherished and protected. I'm tired of tissues! I 'll allow the tear to have life and roll down my cold cheek. Oh look, it froze up. I emphasize plenty because I am in a mood where I can not fathom. I wasn't built to understand.

To live is to hurt and to hurt is to live. Life without hurt is like a sea dead with poise.(random stream)

0%. Yes. Everything holds purpose. If one is to believe that there is no purpose to "something____)" then what is the purpose for "it" not to have purpose? I challenge anyone to answer that. If that were the case "things" would simply end there.There would be absolute nothing to work with. One who believes in purposes devours more than nothing. If purpose is present one has something to work with, to manipulate and so forth .Purpose doesn't have to be absolute, we sometimes are not built to understand.

You mentioned melancholy. This is another common word not nurtured. Rather, it is feared. Why!? Partially because society has planted the seed that it shall be treated as a disease. False my boy. It's as natural as day and night. There is a peace within melancholy. A very distinct feeling of escapism. Of beauty, of emotion, of darkness within happiness and happiness within darkness. Melancholy breeds intelligence you know. It also breeds strength. Melancholy=ART. People play into the illusion that it clouds the mind, well I see it as the opposite. I don't mind being alone. I am far to used to it. I have people , yes, but I am selfish with my space and time. You and I have common ground, both involved in the creative process, moreover the creative writing process, and no doubt you yourself are a lover of arts. Any creative art process is consuming , you yourself may understand, music is a very huge artery of art. Some people choose the path of art, and for others art chooses them....this simply means that one discovers it but after it's initial effects it discovers us and it refuses to let its grip off. We in turn swallow and devour it whole, quite involuntarily but with no desire for a complaint over it, and it leads to a highly selfish life in a sense, it blinds (it shuns others off) greatly and it consumes much ,it's the road less traveled. Selfish or selfless, one is taken into a deep realm into another world where everything exists and life seems infinite with ideas and possibilities.....here is where one discovers internal and external insight, there are plenty of downfalls when living this lifestyle...but it's something that refuses to change, it's a planted seed and it evolves so helplessly on it's own accord, but it blooms so damn wonderful ,because one has tapped into the naturalisation of individualism... This leads unto roots far beyond normal ones...unto unbelievable heights if you will. I just think the "real " world is too wretched and misguided....and the arts is a sweet escape...

Lighthouse and water reflections. There's just such a romance about them. They instantly conjure up images of wind swept distant shores and exotic foreign ports of call. I always imagine it would be such an amazing experience to live in a lighthouse for a full year and experience all the seasons on the ocean.....to witness the splendor of morning and evening light throughout the year and to breath in the fragrant ocean air from atop the tower! And then there are the passing ships that would conjure up even further imagery. I always imagine the weather worn faces of the crew hard at work on deck as a fishing trawler glides silently by in the night drowned out by the crashing waves on the coast line. And then there's the beam of light from the lighthouse that shoots out toward the black horizon and dissolves into the night as it rotates. An entire year away from the world.....like Thoreau! I would live off of shell fish and a little vegetable garden I would tend to throughout the year. And I would sit up in the tower exposed to the elements and look out over the vastness of the ocean and stare of into the ever receding horizon and dream. And my little cat would huddle close as I embrace him and survey this kingdom of ours. Hehe! We would have the greatest conversations kitty and I.Give me a pencil and paper and my classical music and I'm happy. And I would play my piano to him by candle light. What a life! The "suits" can drive their Lexxus' into their 50 yard horseshoe shaped driveways and smoke their expensive cigars. Fuck them. Let them engage in the folly of materialism and narcissism! Their sleep will be fitful for sure.

Greatest stories by the way. Thank you a ton. Here, a basket of fruit. Overlook that bitten apple, i was starved. I like you jotting down memories from memory hall. Your stories made me conjure up these last paragraphs. So our streams are streaming within streams. More pictures anytime my boy. Again my thoughts went bananas viewing your photos. I have an idea. Time has created a gap in spacial space and time and distance between us two. I think it be neat if you can someone merge the image of me on a picture of you. That would be interesting! What a fuckin curious thought. Fuckin thoughts. What a wonderful house. Look at that old dial tv! We had one as well.Suckers were huge. I can still hear the clicking of the dial as it was wound up. Your mother looked very classy and charming. I love the picture of her on the chair, a very relaxed natural element about it. And castles, love it. Always fascinated by castles. They have so much history and so much purpose for the structure of it. Wonder the stories that echo inside. You not only share your stories. What you don't know is that you place me in that moment. A true sign of a good writer.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

I had a conversation with my friend from Croatia a few days back. I told her about a certain weed I was attached to that had hurt me. As you recall my attachment with people. I am very hurt by him right now and I am taking it rather personal. I had a friend from abroad since August 2007.We had an unexplainable bond. Odd really. It was different from what we got. But we had something. Not sexual you see, he s married. Oh boy what a hypocrite that sounds considering you're married as well. That causes great guilt on my side with us Mike. I do not want to be those females who are labeled "home wreckers". How much respect am I giving each party here? I don't think I am giving very much. Or how about respect for myself? It's why sometimes I contemplate on just running away from you. I mean what does that say about me? It doesn't say how I really am. I always despised those woman who get carried away with married men. I hate myself for it. A rock and a hard place. Now back to the subject at hand. I don't use chat and thats about the only way he communicated because he disliked emails. So I made a conscious effort to chat with him nearly every other night. My night was his morning by the way. Don't get jealous Mike, we will talk soon, not on chat but by phone. Imagine having this friendship you've grown accustomed to and looked forward to writing with all of a sudden come to a halt for no apparent reason. So I feel badly. It made me question myself as far as why he just stopped talking. I did nothing wrong. I left him two emails the last one 8 days ago and I get no response. I know he's ok and alive and hes seen my emails, because Ive seen activity within his blog. My friend told me give him few days. Well I have and hes a dick. The fact hes well and alive tells me he's avoiding me.. I asked him if id done something wrong. Common courtesy would tell him to at least answer that much. So a day ago Ive deleted his gmail account from my chat box and Im sure he'll notice it sooner or later that my name is missing on his list. Its just awful when you lose someone you had so much in common. He was an odd ball like us. Even worse perhaps . It's not something I just decided. I have been struggling with what to do and what actions to or not to take. What is done is done.

Now all I'm left with is ,what did I do? What is wrong with me? In these moments of questioning myself I feel low. However, the next minute I conclude that there is nothing wrong with me and I am certain I did nothing wrong to him except be a friend. It still makes me sad to see how all this ended. I did not expect it from him. Goes to show how we humans are fickle. In some moments trying to convince myself I did all I could and I did not do anything to him is somewhat reassuring. In addition to all this mess, I had another profile I created on interpals in addition to this latest one I have. Why two? I wanted to see which one felt more right for me this time around. I created the other one as almost an exact replica of the current one except on the other one I wrote more on the profile. He came across that deleted profile not knowing it was me. He wrote me "are you a chameleon?" .Chameleon is a way he and I described ourselves with the world. I was so angry towards him and felt essentially abandoned in a sense. I wrote what came to me in that moment. I wasn't clear on what I should say. Now I wish I could have said more considering it may very well be the last correspondence between him.

So now I am left with one question which may go unanswered. It's difficult for me to not have a question answered. In this case anyhow. Perhaps it tears me up because I take it directly at me and very personal to my being. Perhaps it stems from not knowing the his facts on the role I played in his mind for his decision.

Bla. Sorry its not important really. It's happened before and time has proven to make the questions fade away, a bit.

Love

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Oooooooo.Mike, what a dream you had. I like the idea of you coming up to me from behind. If such were the case you would certainly find me pressing my body against yours uncontrollably. Especially applying extra pressure on your lower half with my backside. My cheeks you see. While my head tilted to the back resting on your shoulder with a look of ecstasy. Oh my, no Knowles. I need more than one of these emails than once a week. How dare you think I could wait that long. Or......I could always log onto interpal and warm up to that other comedian man. He certainly must have a way with words if YOU take the time to speak with him. I'll start making my way to his pants slowly. All that means is i'll open up conversations of sex and sound baffled why people are so scared to talk about it. He's a man so he'll respond. You know I have the power of persuasion. I'll give a persuasive mail and he should be under the covers in days. Less time to wait than your next Saturday.

Do you want to rethink that date???? hmmmmmm???

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Mike,

Oooooo.I didn't catch on til now with you and those feelings that were stirred up. What a tease you are. Care to elaborate?

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Dear fortune teller,

Moons ago you left me a message and being the detailed freak I caught onto two words followed by a question mark that were not meant to turn into any form of discussion. BUT it struck a chord (maj7b5). These words were "coincidence" or "luck"?.

My Native American ancestry wouldn't hesitate to pierce their arrows right through the first one. Just as they knew there was something more that meets the eye with the animal kingdom, there is something deeper to the occurrences that improperly deem the word "coincidence". Luck, the only luck I know comes in a cereal box with a green midget. Mmm, those are good, especially the marshmallows. If ever luck was used by this particular culture, you can bet it had some complex tails weaving in and out and about.

The spiritual connection is what was and is relevant. Be it in our kingdom or the animal kingdom which in actuality coalesce. There is belief that the connection extends to the cosmos as well. Some of what that belief provides is in the caring way they refer to the calender months as moon based months. Each representing the way the seasons and nature correspond to each other and thus effecting humans. All names of the months vary from tribe to tribe but nearly all have similarities as the names correlate with the seasons and the seasons were shared by all. For instance February (oh happy 1st of February by the way) was deemed "bony moon" by both Cherokees and Eastern Cherokee tribes. This because this months food was scars. Yet the Hopi tribe named it "Month of Purification and Renewal" as a way of looking forward to the new crops and what nots.

The congealing of universal specimens therefore would seem absurd to be labeled "coincidence" in my opinion. If there is such a dependence and bond with all that touches the earth then we see there is no room for "coincidence" as we all tie into one big circle. If either of the two phrases was ever used by tribes it would be "luck", like I said even that weaved a web.

That was my opinion on my ancestry. Now lets dig into what I believe out of my own mind and partial influence of ancestry. In my lonesome realm neither one nor the other exists. When considered at a quantum level it reveals nonsense. If I were to place belief in these two words and the meaning they'd been given it would mean I given in to the belief of pre destiny or predetermination. It's almost like saying I or anyone else for that matter can predict the future. There is simply no such thing. I belief is what was meant for you will not go by you. No matter how short or long lived the "thing" is.

An example would be the meeting of the souls. Two people meet and are joined at some level, there is no denying it once the meeting has taken place the impact is done. The volume, or the impact or impression of this other person will be made for a reason. The reason is for the impacted (which would be both) to figure out what the other was for. I have met people throughout my life that have come in for 5 minutes and have left just as fast and have left me thinking til this day. It could be a "neg" or "pos" experience but it was meant for me and the degree of how quick it was is of no matter.

I have a friend I met on interpals months ago. He is going through a divorce. I did not know until a month ago. Before I knew about it my letters to him were rather encouraging as I wrote alot about my love of nature and cosmos and mystery and secrets and what nots. I wrote on how nature is a healing force of energy if you pay attention. I talked about how we should listen more and not only hear. I then told him that what was meant for him will never go by him. The impact I was having on him was positive energy. It's what he needed at the time but I did not even know it. In a sense it was for his rejuvenation and faith to restore back.Coincidence did not do that, if it did it would deplete "reason" ,and that's what coincidence does.

Enough! Your a great treasure box to let me store this madness in.

~In honor of Knowles~ Evil but Amazing , Crazy but Amazing, Awkward Bastard but Amazing, TRuly liked and Amazing~

Finally having some time for digging through your pile of dirt..... I must tell you sir I have never met anyone with your quick witted wicked fantastic sense of humor. I am loving every written piece and every illustrated piece as well. Not only that but with your emails I talk to myself as I shake my head and literally say aloud " oh god, fuckin Knowles how does he come up with this" and I just laugh my ass off while my hand rests on my head. Then these wall posts you leave to myself and others, I wish they fall on deserving ears that understand comedy gold. The one with the pants and fart testings were hilarious. I am no competition for you. No, go ahead let that head blow up, you deserve it.You are right, I won't find better jokes anywhere else. I recall reading something about hard skin chips from a prostitutes heel, what the hell, oh my goodness just stop, too much imagination, I like that. And your illustrations which I've yet to pay proper respect to each individually (time) without my undivided attention are marvelous and splendid. That charred kid, what the hell, hahaha! I sense a inner Munch and Dali swirled with Knowles in you. Fabulous. Aww, is that shy lad smiling, oh, are the cheeks tickled me pink....widdle cheeks.

Ok, I have printed your theory that I'm certain will have more holes than swiss cheese. I have read snippets and will really dig in soon ,cross my heart hope to die stick a needle in my eye. It deserves undivided attention and thus far its been a awful hard week. Hardly have sleep. If you go shopping with your wife never mind the plastic bags, I'll let you borrow mine, you'll find then under my eyes. This is my strategy which will mean nothing to you perhaps but I like typing so here I go. Firstly, after I printed it out like a good S.Holmes would do, I thanked the heavens that the rubbish was only one page long. Then I realized your font size was set to a ever so big number 2 .After going through the trouble of adjusting the font size to a smaller proper 14, the results were 7 pages of masterpiece. I absolutely love this. I always had a fascination with paper work and with research . Alot came from my obsession with detective movies and books and with my love for historical researches of mummies and documents and what nots .

Knowles, is that your mother on that plate? I am asking this in all seriousness.

2 more pictures in hopes to keep your interests until I am better able to correspond with you. This comes rather late as all the hectic days are nearly over. Urrr. Since you have a Munch in your soul, I thought it fair to show the Munch in mine. I figured I would send you me entitled "freaky" .I took that one months ago. That's the first. The second is of a beautiful crow I caught glaring at me. It wanted to tell me a secret I know this, I felt it. The animal kingdom can and try to communicate with us. They are smarter than we will ever know. I am not built to understand all this.

I am catching zzzss for th enight. What i sthis? You sent me a mail. Let me read it. Ahh, a clock. Wise. Thank you, now I don't have to use my fingers to add the hours.

I'm like the blackhole, so much to take in. I'm like the whitehole, so much to spew out. I like writing you.

~Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Love of my Life Erlend,

Oh boy me oh my ,pardon the mix up. It's just I have so many friends to write to I forget who I'm writing to. Not only friends but I have more than one lover.

Before I leave, I must tell you your typing has been a bit off. I studied your emails and it was around the moments of the storm. Think I scare you lad.

Fine fine, go back to work. I understand I come in third place. No, no no no. I m ok. Ugh, work, business, business men.ugh. Nasty little black suits, ugly briefcases, little ugly tapping black shiny shoes. I hope you're not one of those. If so, get out of there lad.

Love

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Mike,

We need to stop and relax a bit. Or rather, i need to. You are only guilty of having been nothing but patient and tolerant to this tragic rag doll named Charity. Many wouldn't dare stick around. I promise the storm has some poise and I'm bound to be more calm from now .Until the weather changes. You happen to have caught me in one of my normal cycles of extreme moodiness. That's just it, its a cycle as that of a spinning wheel of fortunes, or misfortunes. The wheel holds every emotion/mood and when given a spin the needle lands in differing slots. Contrary to popular belief, I am very calm as well. With the same intensity and degree to match. I didn't like the words on your "no pressure" mail. Because it did indeed shows reality not favoring our side. But I am keen with dealing with reality. I learned to accept it at a young age. The first time my father moved away I had the reaction and texture of a stone. I am much stronger individual than this. It's just that love and your affection is too powerful and after all I am only skin and bones. Euu, Skin and Bones?? that sounded like someone one of the four horsemen would carry on board their horse.

Your picture montage was thought provoking. I have a thing for everything old, it's why I have a thing for you. Anyhow, no, I mean things of old like homes, furniture, old yellowing love letters or simple letters and especially photos. They say so much. How intriguing and curious that the image is simply there, stuck. Stuck I say. This air I breath in, could it be the same air that has traveled in and out of the lungs of Mike when he was a young buck..I wonder. Could air travel long distances as that...hmmmm.

Your baptism certificate, wow. That's a mark, a mark for when you first entered this place through another light. Little did you know what would have become of your life. Who you'd married. If you'd married. Where you'd reside. Who'd you meet along the way. Your father was attractive. Your mother was pretty. They looked nice next to each other. How excited they must have been in that exact moment the photographer hit the button. My father also has two other daughters with some lady. I've told you I think. Never met them neither. What a mystery left by your mother. Sounds like a good job for me if I was over there. I love uncovering hidden secrets of old. I wonder what the motives were. There is still that to be unveiled. These were my thought streams that came about from your montage. Thank you.

No I didn't expect I could turn a prude like you into something far worse than the dirty devil himself. The whole mysterious "Mike. Ah, never mind", had to do with the same theme. I was to ask you to jot down another sexual scenario being a bit more candid with the word usage. I was a bit embarrassed you'd of thought me a sex crazed 24 year old. Plus you'd confessed to being shy about it. I have no problem whatsoever with how you have written, it's very unique and I like it. However the whole pie and melon talk is a big tease and while I enjoy the analogy I would love the vividness of the common words themselves, Dr Gynaecologist. I'm not complaining, you have a way with writing. I love.

You never answered my questions on the last email. I asked whether you'd be my alarm clock? Ah, I take that as a no.

Eh??Me? Little ol me intentionally but secretly trying to get the attention of Mike? So he can lavish me with his beautiful romantic prose? Me? Could I be that devious? My my. Ask me no questions and i'll tell you no lies. About speaking by phone.....don't worry if you don't come off a carbon copy of how you write. I understand. And don't expect me to sound so jolly with a small rat voice like these dumb girls of nowadays. I'd consider myself more like that Skully lady from X-files. My voice isn't mousy or squeaky at all. I've been told I have a mature intellectual sophisticated sloth form of speech. Plus, I want you to know I wouldn't consider any type of talk with you idle chatter. We can speak any subject under the sun. I think we'll get on just fine with it. Loud and fast talkers intimidate me. That's if you still wish to speak.

Love

Charity

Ps. I'm sorry for causing you such hassle or for mistreating you in any way.

From: Mike Knowles

To: Charity

Charity!

No hassle! You warned me about your mood swings and I've learned to accept them. Yes, we have been getting a bit intense lately. We're adults, damn it! Not moonstruck teenagers. Let's have a bit of decorum. I knew something wasn't quite right when I started talking about the clitoris. Was I turning into a gynecologist? If so, then I feel a bit of a cunt. Sorry, I just couldn't resist that one. You me and my puns. Actually, I'd hate to be a gynecologist because it sounds like hard work. After all, they have to beaver around all day. But it's probably a labia of love.

As for sweet nothings on Skype? I shall certainly try, but I get easily embarrassed.

Lots of love,

T. Watt.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My Mike,

Look, the color has returned from the ugly black frightening text. It's adorable that you were attentive to small details as that. I'm going to ask you if you can please toss every horrible email I've sent to you to the trash. If you really love me so much you'd do it for me. It wouldn't be a problem.

THE DEATH BED

Priest: Mike, Charity is about to follow the light. She asks a favor from you. In the room ,there.......

Me: My love. You look like you've seen a ghost. I'm not dead yet, am I? Dunno.

Mike: Hush my dear. Can't you see you are about to die. Yet you still remain childish in nature. How did I ever deal with you. I should have taken you out myself.

A sharp blow to that thick head of yours. Stubborn mule. That's a Capricorn for you.

Me: Well its too late now. But if you still like to, you can meet me on the other side. I'm

heading there now, go pack pack up. I'll wait right here.

Mike: Hush! Dumb ass. You never learn, never have never will. I love you as I always expressed it. I know you believe me. deep inside I know it.

Me: Quite you. That's all mumbo jumbo I already know. What is relevant is you granting me my death wish. Toss away those awful emails I sent you . That would make

me the happiest dead person alive. So will yo.........

Priest: Time of death, 11:59pm.

Anywho. You understand.

Where are you!?Are you ignoring me?

Love

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Oh boy. I'm really going to get it from McNobs. He's not going to be happy with me. Last time I pissed him off he called me a "thick twat" and he also scolded me and said " go fuck yourself with a dildo bitch". Hahaa.I couldn't help my laughter. I have not laughed so hard since that day I almost got run over. He is unaware of his sense of humor . It gave me those laughs where the belly hurts and the laugh comes out in a semi silent way because of its magnitude, kinda like "hhhhuuuuuuuu ahahaaahaha", you follow? Oh no dear me oh my i am terrified whatever shall I do?

Oh my god! You bird and squirel killer! How dare you! I want nothing to do with you! Nothing you hear! Oh and to think you had an artists eye! Fucking great. i should have known better. You are cursed my friend. Stay away from animals. My ancestry tells me so.

~Ugh

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

I made myself clear when i told you I 'm done with the matter at hand. I won't discuss it. I won't answer your questions neither. What we're suppose to be discussing is the blog and any other projects we have going on. As you may recall I am to spot holes in your theory today. I will do that. The papers are on my desk there. So have you pondered on any names for it yet? I am eager to know what our first discussion will be, perhaps you would like to choose. But above all we should start with an introductory on what we are doing so others will be aware. You're a better writer and you've got a way with words to entice so perhaps that should be done by you as well.

Again, another wonderful day outside. It's covered in dark clouds which gives the effect of my lit candle a sense of magic. I love candles. Just last night we had thunderbolts as well.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Fine. I understand. Don't worry about my emotional fantasies, I can assure you not to bother you with it anymore considering I know now how you feel. You shouldn't get into things if you didn't mean any of it. Your last email was very hurtful and spiteful. What do you want from me?

I told you what the blog consisted of, and you liked the idea then. The blog wasn't just mine, I invited you in to be part of it. You agreed and with great delight. Therefore I want you to be part of the name and what not. I already have my own blog, this one will be a shared blog. The discussion would take on anything of interest to us. Any topic range .It could be politics, sex, religion, music, love, illusions, lies, deceit, things we like and so forth. From so called small talk to more complex.

I'm not so clear why you don't want me in your other project any longer and no you hadn't mentioned any mumbo jumbo about synopsis. So do you wnt me to simply pull away?

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Make up your mind! These thoughts that come to your head in flashes of streams are they just bullshit!?This life is wild so we can formulate theories til infinity. That's all life is, theories. Who knows and I don't care any longer. Keep it to your damned self next time around for all I care. Here you go again pissing me off because I'm convinced about one thing. You like manipulation. Why did you send me the theory? Because you knew my mind plays around with theories and you know how sensitive I am. But Charity, you should very well be aware that theories are to be taken as theories and not to be considered as facts. You should be able to look at them subjectively,Charity. I know it .I could do that with theories, unless you place me or us directly into it then you know I am blinded by your stupid love and my cursed sensitivity. Clouded naive brain. You feed off of it. You practice it on me nearly daily. What a fucking shame. You know the effect you have on me and you like it so you take advantage by using your mind and transmitting them to words. Thinking no matter what you say you will have Charity trapped in the box of love. Well I can crawl out, contrary to popular belief. You want to see? Watch me. Manipulators don't always end up on top.

The blog isn't to be about our personal lifes. Are you seriously considering exposing our private happenings with others as a spectacle..I should hope not. I won't be part of such spectacle. Consider the blog a big orgy where anything goes. Or not. Whatever. You asked what it should center around or what its trying to achieve. Well it simple. To attract like-minded people (or not) as a reflective sign for others to reflect. Or simply to let our thoughts roam freely. Achieve? I dunno, communication beyond the bland world. I know if we are to discuss such factors considered mundane by most, we will somehow make it interesting because you nailed it when you said artist suffer from stronger emotions and bla bla. Yet I would enjoy reading some mindless drivel shall it happen. Just flow with things, I guess.

That's the problem, Mike. You're a Dr. You know your way around your game. Confused? You shouldn't be. Because what we feel for each other is not a game and you know it. The problem is your manipulation places me in pressurised box .Good, i'm glad black texts scare you. It's about time I do the scaring. You were beginning to feel lonely doing the scaring by yourself.

Good day

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Mike,

So, you've made yourself a friend from Taiwan. You have a strong Cristy among the Asian culture. Plus, age isn't a problem to you.

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Hmmm. "Crystalise" ey. I don't understand what it is you saw in her. Of course she looks skanky and you are a man. I changed my photo but at least I respect myself. She on the other hand is in her underwear. What do I expect, right. Looks like you've got yourself another wall post fanatic on there. But she does sound fun, I suppose its what you want. A clown loves clowns. Whatever ,Mike.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My Mike,

See, I just knew your card was going to be equivalent to a crazy monkey without a banana madly slipping on banana peels! Told you! Thanks for the heartwarming image.

Oh gees me my oh my. I don't quite know hot to respond to your honesty. It has oddly intimidated me. You have complicated things. No, once a bond is made the fusion of it with emotions leads to deep feelings. It would be a lie if I said I didn't feel something for you. But I am very good in creating distance with certain situations .Though that is only a sort of denial because inwardly my emotions get carried away. Is it wrong to lie to ourselves in order to do what one thinks is right? I admire your words and I respect your marriage. So to lie to myself may be useful. All I could take from you is your friendship. Even if something deep within me ever wants more. What else can I say here? I am caught off guard with all this. Should I even send this email off? or should I revise it? Don't hate me please. An eye for an eye, Exodus 20 :13.Minister of truth, injecting truths one brain at a time. What I'm saying is a secret deserves a secret. If you may take yourself back to some email you sent me with your pictures in it, I said to you something along the lines of how thought provoking those in particular were. What followed was some pondering that struck me so. There was a mention of my imagining how things would have been like had I been placed back in your time of youth. What I didn't admit is that I also questioned whether you would have wanted me back then. Or how we wouldn't have looked next to each other. Maybe like two monkeys. Ahh, silly isn't it. But I'm just spewing honesty, there is no harm in it. Plus if I didn't say it to you I'd still thought it. Enough!

Now....the book. Ahhh I see. You pretty much want to execute a shadow of what we have been going through. Or what we are going through. I'm just not certain how comfortable I am with putting who I am out there. I told you I want nothing to do with the world. I love writing but I wouldn't want fame or fortune out of it, no matter how big or small. It may be different for you because your profession is writing thus you may need to work within that system. I hope your not mad. I think we could come up with something else though. Contrary to popular beliefs, I'm a very private person. I would'nt enjoy our private messages availabe for the public. I have written those emails for you, no one else's business. I dunno, what do you make of this?

My aunt is concerned for me, she is very paranoid like myself. So she's picking me up and I'll be in Sacramento for a couple of days with her. I'll try and get a hold of my cousins laptop to keep track of my inbox. Ay. I must pack now. I sure hope I havn't ruined anything between us. But what can I say.

Love

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Oh whatever Knowles...!.. I don't fucking care if you do not wish me a good damn night. It is foolish on my part anyhow

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My Mike,

I may be irrational and temperamental at times (which may be how I will lose. Tolerance) but my head remains on and it remains straight. Of course I do not want to be finished. Of course I'm very aware that we are two separate entities eerily alike sharing deep love and having much in common yet being distinctly different at the same time. I wasn't angry at such silly mumbo jumbo as whose lonelier than who, as it really doesn't matter as long as the loneliness isn't caused by you. And that's just it. For some silly reason I took your claim of being more a loner than I was as a way of you separating us. I t got the worst of me. I may lash out once in a while but I know better and I mean no harm.

Please don't doubt me so harshly. It makes absolutely no sense for me to have wasted my time writing to someone all the way in the UK with hidden motives. I have none and what you see is what you get with me. About my address. I gave you my po box because its my private place. My parents have separate homes and my father stays in Downey and mother in Maywood. I didn't want to bring those details in just yet. My mothers Maywood home is where I mainly. I simply hate my last name, as I said, but it's ****** and it's fathers last name, not mine. I hate it. Some mumbo jumbo happened when he was small and some say our last name is ***** .I dunno. The same with other things as far my position in the museum. As I just got hired a few months back after heavy volunteering for so long. So I work there under the eye of a curator. We are taught to be very private there. I guess for security reasons. Perhaps you would brag for working somewhere prestigious, I wouldn't. I couldn't care less if it were the Getty or the Norton Simon museum. The best time to phone me would be around 2 or 3pm your time. Shall you decide to continue our journey I'm sure we can work something out. The reason why I didn't offer to phone is simple. I don't like talking on the phone. But like I said, I would love talking with you so I made the choice to forget about it and never mind holding that ugly piece of technology until my hand numbs. I am excited about our project and I will dedicate a good portion to it this weekend. I told you every now and again I would touch it without mentioning I have. If you wanted updates you could have asked me.I will admit I have not glanced at it since last weekend. I will give you an update as proof of what I have done this coming weekend and I will have the report at your desk Monday Sir. Don't expect me to find swiss holey cheese hole in every page or that we are to have this project done fast. It will take time. That's if you still wish me to be your ,uhh, I forget the name right now. Your assistant or what have you. I feel like a high schooler who has committed some crime. I 'm not to fond of interrogation. Not from you. I hate to know I've given my full trust to you with no questions asked and you did not do the same. I'm weird Mike and I would not like to be in the spot light with any writing work I create. But if I must I would like as little light on me as possible. I am not familiar with that side of life. I'm not so bonded to this world and frankly unlike yourself I am not a professional writer. Only at heart I am. I write a lot of daily happenings and my own mental ponderings which can indeed turn into a book. I think it impossible for each and every writer to actually want recognition. I know a writer from Norway who has pages stacked upon his desk and he will never publish. We share the same understanding there, he and I. he is a great writer as well and his work has potential. I tried convincing him to please publish something. Those of use who feel this way are stubborn, so his refusal came as no surprise. I arrived home from Sacramento February 19th at night. Forgive me your honor I don't recall the exact time. I didn't talk about the trip because it was night time and all you would have heard would've been complains of how tired I was having to drive back half the way and how exhausted I'd been. Indeed I love long trips. I'll tell you what I saw. It was night time and about 2 hours in the drive there were a lot of cars. Beautiful tail lights of red shooting down a long highway. About the third hour I was mentally dead and my wrist hurt like hell. My arthritis kicked in. The cars were sparse by then. I entered the city and I felt heavy again. I grew up a city girl but I don't belong in the city. Living here has has me on edge. But I taught myself how to move about it.This mumbo jumbo about Puppet Masters, you sound like McNob now. I'm a very very private person Mike as you may have now discovered. I gave you "who" I am with no lies buried underneath. Being too private as I am, will cause suspicion. I can not help that. By the way, I'm not separating this into proper paragraphs I am far too tired to do so.I woke up for my 5o clock glass of water to find this email of yours which crushed my heart half to death. If I've given you anything is my love and my originality. It would take a damn great actor and great motives for someone to keep up such a lie as far as masking themselves and pretending to be who they are as you have accused me. I don't like actors I hate Hollywood. I value my time and I do not use it in vain. I believe there's good in everyone, until they sink their cruel daggers in my back -at which point it would be too late to believe in anything. I am not a pretender. Rather, I am the fallen jester who mocks the seamless blending, and instead uses her own grinning mask of such bitter joy and joyous bitter, the likes of which few people would even stand to look at. Avert their eyes because, although they may like to stare at their mirror-image for hours on end, they'd hate to see this horrid grinning mask under their own faces, twisted with compulsory happiness and botox though it may be. I wear masks on the outside, and in the process show it's not a mask at all; I actually don't do masks. All I'm doing is looking at the world and responding to it without acting; it's the world that does the responding through me. How can I not gruel at what we have wrought? How can I keep myself from flinching in the face of the dull and aching masses; like a child from a troubled home seeing the only people he has in the whole world visiting upon each other the most heartbreaking sadness where once a certain level of love must surely have been? Flinching; Satre did it, Wilde, Poe and Camus did it; you do it and I as well... And people are quick to turn their back on me for it, because they hate reading on my faces the things they themselves should .shout from the rooftops . I am honest reflection Mike. Underneath this not-really-a-mask is... my face .I enjoy life at least as much as there is bitter disapproval in me. I even enjoy people, occasionally. I enjoy you. I don't know if you lied to me about falling in love. I did not lie to you when I said I love you. I can not change your doubts about me.

I'm sorry if I caused any inconveniences or headeaches or doubts in your mind. I don't know what else to say. I know I should write something more but I don't know what.

Love

Charity

Ps .never mind the typos

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Widdle Soldier,

I love you.

Love,

Charity

Ps, I have much to say on the mail you just sent. Thoughtstream. I'll do it tomorrow as I'm sleepy. And Yes, I sure spotted your inconsitency! I am keen on such things! So what are you know, a liar... Why should I believe anything....

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Geees. Sorry for bothering you about it Knowles. I'll just keep my "hornyness" to myself. Don't bother writing another one, I won't read it. I'll simply toss it to the trash.I promise you won't hear anything else from me concerning that.

Ok, we can discuss other things. We always have. Anything under the sun or beyond.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Men and women both have a innate sexual nature, I need not tell you that for I am sure you are far more experienced than I am. I am surprised you are that rare as to tell me to control myself considering you're a man therefore innately born with a dirty mind. Dirtier than females. What I mean by that is that though both genders possess the sexual nature, you men are plagued by it and you are ruined by it. Yet somehow it seems to be effective to the opposite sex. Oh, sorry, I'm not allowed to say SEX any longer because I will be deemed too horny. I don't care what you think of me, nor what the world makes of my strong desires. While any other man would be happy to hear that from a female, you seem bothered by it. Which s your right. You made me feel that somehow I should be ashamed by it. Or maybe your pretending to be annoyed by it .Maybe secretly all you want is my sex. You are a man afterall. Why should I think you special. You're like the rest of them.

Your mail just came through. You know me too well and I'm glad you expect outbursts from me because I am well equipped in that area. Don't dare lie to me! I hate liars. What you said about my hornyness was a genuine statement. It must have been because even if for a minute I believed you (which I don't) that it was a joke there was some truth to it if the thought even as much as entered your mind. I'm done with the matter.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Oh My, Goodness me oh my...

I'm not quite sure I know where to start, my Mike.

First off I can't begin to express my regret for delaying my message or rather my answer this long, but here it is vague and somewhat to the point. I value our exchange and feel very fortunate that we have met. The question in question, is the collaboration you speak about. At first I wasn't sure whether to take the offer seriously. Then seeing as you mentioned it 3 times the seriousness sunk in. And so I have been taking time not certain how to respond as I have never ventured into something like this before. Nor do I know how any of this works. I will be more than happy to offer what I have in mental skill as far as originality and as far as challenging your theory or any service you wish for me to embark. Let us become aware again that yes if you want my help I am there, however, i make no promises as to whether I will in actuality be of any worth to you. It will take time as this is perhaps the biggest project I have taken thus far. However I look forward to it with great excitement. This is the type of journey I long for. Moments come and go, they linger, they wander, meander, they (another verb).

I can get so wrapped up in my moments and make a conscious or unconscious decision to refrain from outside interaction. Maybe its fear of jumping off that train of thought? But especially when I'm overwhelmed from school, job, financial obligations, personal writing and mindly efforts I don't want to spill into anything else that may distract me or put me into a different realm. So I am fit for this part. Or sometimes I come home at 11pM an absolute blank slate with nothing to offer. And I think a quick "hey how are you? I'm tired, how's the weather, talk to you soon" of an email would be of great disgust to find one early morning in your inbox. So please take into account the basic geography of my heart and why I may write so sporadically at times like for instance this past week. The point of this last confusing ,drifty, sublime, colorful, paragraph is that indeed this will take time, time that I am willing and able and without a question invest in.I only ask for patience at times. Not always of course. Things are unpredictable on my side ever so often ,so I don't want you to think I am not taking your offer seriously if you do not hear a mention from me about the project. Sometimes I will not mention it but in fact be working on it plenty. Having said that, I gone through page 1 intently over the weekend.

What I did was, firstly I read all 7 pages you see. I took in the whole of the lot. Went over it 3 times. Now I am concentrating on the parts, as singles. Whenever I feel the need to refer to the whole, i will do so. Blah.

So in short, yes, a collaboration sounds neat. If you still wish to that is. I'll follow your lead as this is your project , Sir Beethoven. I am simply the instrument and you are the composer.

~Charity

Ps, I will email you some later. I will now go catch up on interpals, see what I find. Hope you had a fine weekend. READY FOR BACK TO WORK MONDAY!!!??? Well you best be my boy. No more happy restful weekend.

Love,

Charity.

PS: Does that photo look familiar?

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Goodmorning Monsieur Knowles,

How was your sleep? I will now go serve you your daily scone and coffee. Pardon,before I do that. Shall I inform the lady of the house her tea and scone shall have to take a backseat to my changing my bed sheets in my dungeon after all the sticky mess you caused last night? Oh! That's her now. I better get back to work. Pardon.

There are those moments in life when you know something in your head but it doesn't fully register until you say it out loud. No matter how many times the actions have been played out. The conscious awareness is a tricky little devil. Because it plays many roles for different purposes. There's the inner struggles and the outer struggles. The inner struggles are most sincere because they are more genuinely reflective but can be kept secret. The outer struggles are outwardly reflected and more obvious. When the two conjoin it makes for revelations and realisation. Only then can one process the next step. There is always in internal struggle going on and the opposite force is the otter struggle. I'll now get to one such discovery as my inner met my outer. I'll give you a small baby food example served in a plastic spoon.

Francine speaks rather quickly. I don't. Eric (ericf on interpals) who is 37 speaks very bouncy an uppity( is that a word?) .I don't. How do we even get along I wonder. But that 's another bla bla. Is the Tin Man a jealous man? Eric is from New York and I've known him since October of 2007. We've spoken by phone on several occasions. We've gotten along just fine. He phoned me about 2 hours ago tonight. Out of the blue. You are aware I find fast talkers intimidating, right? It's like you with chat .You need time to reflect. That's how I am with phone conversations sometimes with certain loud mouths. He's loud. I caused myself to feel rather awkward as we were discussing something because in a little moment in time it hit me that he makes me extremely nervous with his loud intimidating chatter box mouth. I find myself pulling out my hair and scratching my head wanting to staple his mouth shut and tell him to relax and calm the hell down.Too damn rapid. Which causes my mind to draw a blank. I put him on hold and said to myself out loud ," oh my me oh my. We totally clash, he and I".The energy doesn't mesh well together. The vibes bounce off each other. It's all in the energy . I've realised also that we have little in common which adds to my problem. He knows none of this by the way. If you were still a stupid psycho, therapist , you'd of suggesting something stupid like Charity, you are intense. Breaking through the mental cycle will help you formulate some kind of common ground with him that will allow you to see and respond with a clear head in spite of his bouncy speech". The funny thing there is that's impossible. It's impossible for one suggesting and or piece of advice to work for every single individual person. Plus, why should I be me deemed with a problem? . No matter how good we can manipulate our minds, because everything is all in our heads afterall, there are certain things that can't be touched because it goes against the "who" one is. It's as if I tried to convince you you're a girl. We have permanent fixtures mentally. Just like we have permanent fixtures exterior wise. Example are fingers and toes. It's very in line with trying to change who we are. But Charity, sometimes change is good.I don't care for it on this particular level. I will show this cruddy world how I respond to things not how THEY think I should. Take me or elave me. I just don't like attention drawn to me in public by loud mouths. I get embarrassed for them even if they say nothing worth being embarrassed about. Almost as if I can see right past every word they say and determine that the sole purpose for their loudness is for attention. I then feel that my thoughts at such a given moment are transmittable to others and that they somehow share the same embarrassment.

I'm about to admit something awful. In the start of Francine's and my friendship when we still didn't know how the other responded to anything, I changed my mood to suit hers. Yes lad, I know. It was an innate subconscious experiment. I tried the whole cheery character that o I so hate with all the energy of my being. Ugh, I should kill myself for mentioning this. I tried to be a Eric. It wasn't me. I wasn't built to respond in such a way. I can't figure out what it is about me that response in such a way with those not resembling my "style" of being. It's not anti-socialism, Dr. Because other friends who are more artsy like myself and less "normal" like the rest I have no problem with. Charity, it's simply that you are more comfortable relating to people you relate to. Yes Dr. I think so. Plus some energy forces are better in certain atmospheres. I must go to my other appointment now. The nutritionist is waiting for me. Before I leave.Can you please refill my prescriptions.

I am more than tempted to erase every word above.

In all seriousness. Can you please not get too involved with any females you come across? Furthermore, can you limit your list to a very low number of female encounters? We both know about the heart ruling the mind. We both know falling in love twice with two different people can happen. Who is to say it can't happen a third time? Or a fourth? I just want to be special in your life. Funny thing happened . I was out with mother in a park in San Pedro where the Korean friendship Bell rests. Mom was venting out her past about dad. Father is a very good father but a horrible husband. They constantly use to argue and honestly there is simply no common ground between the two. As opposite as day and night. She recalled a moment after her pregnancy that my dad wasn't there for the birth. He simply said" I had things to do". Which translates to "I had Chavella to fuck". His mistress lover. I then thought us up.I felt guilty and ashamed. Because I'm playing the role of Chavella with you. Though not having shared my body, yet. It hit me very hard when mom exposed her feelings on the matter. She told me a man will always choose his mistress because he has no ties with her. Because it's easier. Because the mistress is someone mysterious who has to be hidden. A sleuth of other things were said but I don't want to repeat them. The feeling of scum ran through my body. Can you imagine ....?

Don't care about the lady you speak about. Yes, she sounds crazy. Stop talking to her. I strongly recommend that you let me in on every single detail of conversation or any form of communication you have with females. If you leave something out, I will find out. And you won't like it. Plus, I wouldn't want you to discuss sex with them. No matter how innocent it sounds. Because sex is a vulnerable subject shall it fall on the wrong hands. You don't know women. Particularly older women. Ask my aunt.

Oooooo. How did you know I needed help with my body wash? There are many scents that have touched this body, but my favorite is Estee Lauder's beyond Paradise. Even the name is seductive. Then there's Donna Karan's Cashmere Mist. Let's see how velvety soft it feels when you apply it to my body, Mike. You need to stop doing this to me. I better move on. Terribly difficult if you're not next to me.

O yeas Mike. I surely am familiar with Ronnie Wood's art. You spelt his first name wrong lad. It goes to show I'm a bigger Stones fan. Yes I am! Don't Start Me Up! Get Off Of My Cloud Mike! I've been to countless of their concerts in the Staple Center and they are due for another very soon. Guess who'll be there? Since you brought it to light, I can definitely see why you like his art. It has a splash of Knowles to it. I enjoy most his landscapes.My father is a Stones fanatic. He thinks he's rad wearing his Stones licks shirt. Silly men.

Oh yea! You used to pee in a pot? I can beat that. I used to pee on my bed. I wore diapers till I was 14. Nothings changed. I still wear Huggies and I still pee in bed. So that is that. I will challenge you on a wiz competition any day. Whoever lasts longer wins .MMmmm. I haven't come up with the prize. But it will be good! And you'll lose. My bladder easily splatters.

"There's no rush about the blog. We've got plenty of time to get that sorted out." .You've been saying this for weeks. When does "time" actually lose "plenty" and thus gets replaced with the here and now? when does sorted out come into play? You tell me. If you don't want to please do tell.

I'm going to bed now. I wonder what you're doing right now. I apologise but I have nothing more to offer as my mind's been drawing blanks lately.

I love you.

Love

Charity

Mm. No goodnight kiss. A tear drop runs down my cheek.

I'm worried. Are you ok?

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Mike,

Would it have made a difference had I been in my 40's, 50's or 60's? Would I still have appealed to you or is it simply the thrill of having a 24 year old?

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Was just rereading a email of yours. It churned up thoughts. The fact that it's Saturday on your end took it even further. Knowing I'm not there to see you wake or see you have your first meal in the morning. Or knowing that you are next to someone already while you sleep. I don't have you. Who wants to be second best? No one. It's not fair . This surely must sound like a broken record with me. It's not exactly the best spot to be in. Why do I cry over such things, I ask myself. Because my feelings and all that makes me up has been invested directly to you with undivided force. You aren't me, you won't see it through my eyes. You will never understand it. The feeling that rushes passed the body when "reality" sinks its nails .It's a struggle. Your attention is divided. Your life is a double act. I'm something you juggle as a spare. How long before you frop me in your performance?

I can't picture how you remain smiling disregarding our circumstances knowing someone so far away cries like a dummy over wanting you. You have love already occupying any missing pieces that would let you feel lonely. I don't. I only have you in my life so those pieces rely on you. Perhaps this was a mistake .Getting too involved. I certainly pay the price. How dare I stupidly think that your heart can be shared when its already taken. Stupid hope. Truth be told talking with you and writing you makes me incredibly happy. Then sooner or later this realisation kicks in. A longing that is fulfilled then taken away. Its me who'll end up with tears and hurt.

I change my mind,Mike. We need to stop here. I'm done. I'm sorry.I love you. I wish to offer myself. I can't. I can only offer friendship or nothing. That is the hardest thing to have written. The next move is yours to make.

Anyway. I hope you have a fine day today.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Never once had your tree theory cross my mind. No! You brought this up. You resurrected it. You should have known better. Had you brought it up at another time, ok. But just fresh out of that downward spiral of mine from days ago? How incredibly insensitive and jerk like of you. I'm learning to cope with the situation and facts. I will NEVER get used to being second. I will NEVER like it. I may eventually accept it . " But these relate to the woman I love", which one of the two exactly? Don't worry about the frigid temperatures, you've got your wife to keep you warm. I'm certain you're not so foreign with the Koala affection. You can always ask your wife so you can get used to it.I believe I've sent your goodnight message already. Go ahead and reread it before you go to bed. I'm not sending another. I'm no idiot. You knew writing that had me disappointed. You avoided my frustrations and pretended not to notice it and decided not to acknowledge it. that only gets me even more frustrated.

Goodnight

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My Mike,

So bottom line to what you've expressed is that we're doomed to tragedy no matter . I should have never showed so much emotion to you .What a mistake on my part . I won't do it again . In fact I won't express so much from now on . You've apparently got scared and now you're pushing away . You've pretty much said we can take it as far as we like but you've added a roadblock somewhere for my safety. But it's too late. . Don't you think I already know what you've talked about ? When I see your pictures of young I can't help but feel mad and saddened by not being able to have been part of that moment trapped in that photograph . Where the hell was I ? Why wasn't I there ? Obviously my emotions earlier forced you to reconsider and force you to let out those intimate thoughts we already had about reality but were hesitant to mention about because of circumstances . So my emotional stream perhaps it was a good thing to have gone through so we can be forward about this. You're ending of the message left me confused. Not sure what it is I'm suppose to do or what it was exactly you want me to do or accept . I already have the realisation. There was another point other than simply bring realities to the surface , there's something else you're saying but like always you are vague with it . Just say it and forget my feelings .I know you don't want to hurt me. I knew the reason behind the cut off point of our calls. So what. I'm human I will get hurt. Though it is beyond sweet and romantic you wish to protect me from it. The potential hurt is deeply ramified already anyhow and it only waits for time to pull it out . What do you want ? Tell me . Or please just let me go . Just do it once and for all . Intensity , possessiveness, jealousy . Yes, I understand. I don't want you for a minute to imply or presume I'm stupidly suicidal .I'm not unstable . I'm just openly expressive and intense. That has never crossed my mind . I ruined it . I feel I ruined it all. I just wish you'd let me go . Because you chose not to have me completely . I don't want to cause you bad health . Perhaps you're on to something. Maybe we shouldn't .

I can't write about this now . At least two people have already spotted me blubbering and I don't want to attract attention . I can't help it. I'll write in a bit. Please don't sleep before replying to me or to my later message.

I love you

Love

Charity

NB: This next one was after a conversation we had on Skype. Hearing the dogs bark I knew someone was coming to the door, so I ended it abruptly.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

No . It was pure shit what you did to me. How dare you treat me like some kind of trashy bitch that deserves no respect .Just a simple hang up with a hasty I love you attached because the watch dogs alerted you that danger was coming. Only it isn't the danger that saves your life , it's love you were warned to hide.. Something you are forced to conceal. This is what I'm talking about. I had time this morning to talk to you. The museum didn't schedule me in today . There is no classes today. So I was to take advantage of the whole hour and 2o minutes of hearing you . Though my stupid head hurts from the hectic messes life has thrown at me this week. This is not a guilt trip . It's mere facts you should know. And yes . Something you said today strikes me typical and ordinary of people. Which came as a surprise considering it was you . I should be living it up you say ? Well I do and I do it in my own way . Unlike you Michael I don't perfectly plot out the day . I just live it without restrictions or hesitations . I hate restrictions. And plans are rules and thus restricted. Plus , it's in vain considering time shape shifts and we can't control it. You can go ahead and plan a picnic, but the whether you can't predict . Of course I'll go out today .I'll do what I want in the moment . If I think I deserve some rest , i'll do it. A day without setting foot outdoors is like a day without food. And so I have ideas of what I wish to do . But I won't plan it out . I'll just go with the wind whether it takes me to a museum or to the beach or to my grandmas house or down a hill with foxes . Or shall I do something normal like walk down the mall and shop for clothes ? Or go down to Hollywood hair salons to get my hair done ? Or chew on some twizzlers and twirl my hair about while driving with a stupid confused look on my face? Never .So you see? It's impossible to answer you what it is I'll do today. But I'll be doing something . You've pissed me off really good. We won't talk until Monday! And you hang up like....arg!

Do you see the lie and contradict in the following ? "NO ONE will be able to come between us." What do you call the motive of that abrupt hang up !?

It's crap. I no longer occupy second place bla bla bla bla. And whatever forewarning you had sent out that Gavin might come, I didn't know what that meant was that you would treat me like shit. never had I imagined . Don't tell me you love me. Keep it to yourself .

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Sweety,

Your last emails had an odd tone. Are you ok ? You sound hasty .

If someone offers their body to you that is hardly rape. I'm not sure but I've an inkling that's consentual. Rape? You've distorted my image so horribly I don't even want it any longer. I prefer art to sex . Now I'm off to the museum . Sex ? I don't want your sex, you can have it kept to yourself. Wash your hands afterward like a good prude does. Although the thought of you taking advantage of me does sound twisted but also thought provoking . Just because it's you .

And what the hell are you doing consuming a bottle of wine a week? Are you mad ? Have you gone stupid? Or your eating of chips and fish , octopussy, squidward , cow testicles, pig intestines, dinosaur hump and frog legs. Stick to a rabbit's diet .

Me my oh my . Ah, ok. I've finally decoded your " i've made you cry now I make you laugh " email. Too funny. What shenanigans you . There I had been, slowly and meticulously reading every word until it made sense. Geezus . It had to be you .

I'm picking up my mother right now so I may not be back to tell you night wishes. But I must bring up that I wasn't fair in posing such a choice to you. About living together. That email was entitled selfish. Stepping in your glass slipper Cinderella, the looks of it is raw. Who am I to ask such a thing . It's my dream but possibly your nightmare. To leave what you have now to be with me only to remove me later on . What will you do then ? Who will you go to ? Surely you wouldn't want to be alone. And you don't want me there . So part of a marriage is to rely on the other person that you've married, in this case your wife.

Oh Sweety, you've sent me an email. I'll read it when I get back .

I love you deeply. Have to run like Forest Gump.Hope to catch you later pumpkin patch

Love

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My Mike,

Will you please just talk to me already . You know you want to . I'm sorry . It may come off as anger but it was hurt . I just felt hurt it's all. How can you step away when I 'm hurt ?I went onto inkpad and you weren't there. I'm not hungry so I may be going back on during break . There's about 3 people I've to answer to . That J Adam's man used to live in California so he seems to know his way about .Thought he'd have interesting photography on his profile but out of his 39 pictures about more than half are of cats. Once I find the knowledge to put up photos I'm putting some up .

When you and I meet on my side, if you like to go down Pacific Coat Highway we can do that . It's sandwiched right there where those celebrities and hollywood mumbo jumbo's are. I care nothing for that . But the scenery is very nice. The waters are literally feet away . The Getty is not at all far from it . Just a few minutes down the road . The Villa is much closer . What a great appreciation to live within close proximity alongside the coastline. Long Beach is the closest to Downey . If one starts there one can follow the route all the way through past LAX and even into Malibu . A long drive but worth it .

Highway 1 sits alongside the coastline as well. The scenery there is superb. Only once have I gone out there and no so far in either. That is something we should do honey bee. Drive down that strip and head for a small Dutch community I've been meaning to visit in the city of Solvang . They have small quaint breakfast places and other such shops that offer Dutch inspired quality. Even windmills. That breakfast place has these pancake balls filled with jelly . I've seen this on Huel Howser's California's Gold program. Then drive back during sundown to experience the beautiful sunsets California never fails to offer . It's a favorite of mine and I know it will be yours too. Stopping alongside the road every now and then to kiss and to feel the breeze kiss our skin while we gaze into the horizon and then into each others eyes and get lost in it all.

I love you so much. You're words are desperately needed here. You're my world .

Always

Charity

Ps. McNob knows it's me. He didn't fall for my wall post and such . the kid hasn't been heard from on my end.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Where the hell are you ? Oh . I forgot, you've got company these days.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Love Bug,

This is stupid. It's impossible to try and refrain what I feel for you. Subconsciously my mind draws away and places road blocks to see how you'll respond to my hurt .To see how much you really care .As if it would somehow validate your feelings for me.Not that I don't know them. It's just part of my being an annoying affirmation female . No matter the number of times I mention the extreme difficulty of our situation, I will always run back to you in the end it seems. Its a force beyond us. Beyond me . I hate putting you through this. You'd be better off without me or my complications. I think its clear if it were too much for me to handle I wouldn't crawl back to you the way I do . Don't worry about my feelings. THis specific time the blow came too strong, it's all. You don't understand how I dream of filling in your wifes shoes. I get envious at times. Its not very easy for someone as possessive as myself to walk about having given her heart to a man already spoken for. But I love you too much .It shouldn't be a surprise someone would respond in such a way would it?. Needing affirmation when its almost a competition to any eyes that are observing us. A man having two women. What woman in her right mind would simply agree with it? Turn the tables. I venture to say if you were wearing my shoes you as a man would possibly have none of it.Or you too would need to have confirmation of my love constantly. On February 14th you emailed saying that if push came to shove you'd choose who you'd have most in common with. I would like to think it be me. Though only in thought it brings a smile to my face. In vain. Because frankly there is no imagining that in the literal sense you'd throw away your whole lifes work in creating a family for someone like me. I wouldn't pose it on you. So don't worry. I know what side of the coin I'd land.

Thank you for letting me get these thoughts out. They refuse to stay inside. I love you, Mike. I'll always love you and want you. It is to a point where I need you. No. I'll have no part in the destruction of our love. I believe its indestructible anyhow.I need to see you .Hurry! I can't bear it if the year passes without seeing you.

You were right with the options you set. You knew I'd choose to stay. I just hope you'll still have me ? I love you .I want you. I want to have your essence of mind, your touch, your breath spilled all over me like little glitter pieces. Enough.

So now,on with it.

How is it going with your new lover ? He fixed up his car just for you.Given the flames fuming out of the car, I would count on his car being charred by now . Too bad. He had it prepared for the honeymoon. S o he still waits for you. Only now its in a corner with a car cadaver that appears a black skeletal. No worries. He made it out safe. His wig burnt ,but only partially. His beautiful face remains unharmed. So you can caress it all you like.

He continues to bother my inbox. That Korean Yakuza Mafia would sure come in handy. No,but then they would want me to hand you over as ransom. I know! I'll ask Dan , my Texas chainsaw massacre friend who likes stories of people chopped into pieces and ask him to DO the chopping into pieces. He's a strange one that Dan.

Your determination I find appealing. I love you and miss you. Pathetic isn't it. Not even a day since we last spoke. Tell me you love me. Have I been on your mind today ?

Always

Charity

Ps.Forgive me for ruining your Saturday.

Your post hasn't arrived by the way. I didn't expect it to. Jorge's mail from Spain takes about a week. Even Paul's in neighboring Canada takes time.I will work on yours this weekend.

PPs Had we been meant to be friends, the borders wouldn't have been officially crossed on the 14th. Prior to that date, feelings had already been crossed, but only within our "inner" selves. The 14th made them perceptively real in this existence.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Sweety,

I didn't want to say anything but that moron who commented days ago about wanting to have sex with my face and pull my pants down is actually Jacob himself. He is brought up again because he is persistent with the most annoying and mighty disrespectful forms of emails. The latest one from tonight. I give you a snippet now. Before I do. He makes it sound as if I sent him a picture of me. I promise I did no such thing . He's been obsessed since meeting on interpals and with the greatest of certainty I can say I bet he copied saved my red AND blue scarf photos as he mentions them quite a bit. I've responded to his emails but not all. It is very disturbing and I feel almost harassed. Very unbelievable. I give him or nobody else for that matter the implications of wanting to be treated like dirt. I've told him to back off before but determination and possible insanity make it impossible for him. And what a thing to ponder on that this girl he speaks about name is Claire. It sounds much like Charity. what if he's imagining me being other women?! The audacity! What gives him the right to speak in such a vulgar way to me?!

" haha. kewl. To be honest with you Charity, I don't expect too much from anyone. So when I do "get" something from someone, it's just like..bonus.

I'm finding that the written word ain't that good a tool for me being a teacher. Maybe in a 1:many sense it could be good. But as far as 1:1 goes, it's not really working out. Again, to quote Carl Jung, he used to say that in tribal times, these "teachings" were lived, not spoken or written.

A black girl smiled at me today. An old lady told me we needed a bigger exercise room, then she smiled. Her eyes are blue with green slivers. Her name is claire. She is from Germany. She has a thick accent. I asked her to go to coffee once, but it got all weird. Another black girl (actually I think she's millatto) told me that if we were power twins, her color would be "periwinkle". A girl named "Beth" told the manager at my tues morn class that she liked my class. The manager told me "I am glad you are here". A woman at a tutor center opened up to me today and vented about children's parents coming down on her.

When I look at you, you give me this look. It was so tempting. I am assuming you are hoping on romantic love to fill your voids. I can see the unhappiness, the magic in your eyes. You're pretty. I pictured you having an orgasm. I try and feel you . It reminded me of this girl at a record shop once wearing a shirt that said "fuck the pain away". I interviewed with a very large supported living agency in norther california that has 200+ employees (pretty big for s.l.s.) and they said that you "can't hug the consumer" and that you can't "take them to your mom's house for thanksgiving dinner". I explained to them that trying to enforce quality and efficiently adminster resources doesn't work with a "letter-of-the-law" approach when it comes to edifying human beings to do their best work. Further cutting off human contact is a bit of a paradox. Their faces both turned beet-red with shame. How can some people sell out their values for a paycheck? Beats me. Anyways. Sacramento ain't so far a distance from downey, haha! Hint hint."

So you can see what I'm dealing with. To think I was near him while visiting my aunt.Ugh. For teaching an English course his vocabulary and grammar aren't all that neat. He claims to also teach philosophy. He sounds horny. Very much so. He also asks for my number. Sure wise guy. Here. Better, have my full home address and rape me during the moon hours. Sorry. I have to get this out .

Anyhow. I'm going to work on some school work now. Should be in bed about midnight, as usual. Just so you'll know the laptop is misbehaving. Perhaps it needs a rest.

I hope I can get my goodnight and slurpy kiss. I love you tremendously.

Allways

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

WARNING: THIS JUST IN .HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN ?TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT THIS FACE . THIS MAN IS THE NOTORIOUS "SILVER TONGUED DEVIL". HE HAS BEEN SEEN WOMANISING MANY VIA INTERPALS AND VIA BOTTOM OF A TREE WITH LETTERS LIKE SCOUT AND JEM FROM TO KILL A MOCKING BIRD. NOW HE'S LIVING A LIFE ON THE RUN BECAUSE ONE VICTIM WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS , A CHARITY.A ,ATTEMPTED TO TIE HIM DOWN TO TIE THE KNOT. AS IN LOVE AS HE WAS, HE RAN LIKE A HEADLESS CHICKEN. HE DECIDED TO LEAVE HER BROKEN HEARTED . CHARITY IS OUT AND ABOUT GALLIVANTING AS WE SPEAK . THE FOOLISHNESS OF A BROKEN HEART . CALL THE AUTHORITIES DIRECTLY TO MS. MOTHERLOVE . POSTED BY CHARITY KNOWLES *ALWAYS READ THE FINE PRINT.

I love you

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My Mike,

I've finally found your address among the pile of junk mail you gave me. It was like finding a needle in a hay stack. I just hope I fill in the address lines correctly.It's very different from addresses out here. European addresses are bananas taking up about ten lines worth of space and they mix too many numbers with the letters of the alphabet. By the way, are you mailing the box to my moms home or the po box?

Wow, yes. You do eat exotic foods. I've never heard of those you mentioned. Sounds mighty exquisite and expensive. Fine dining for you. Just like your friend ordering bread and water. Usually I skip the late meal. If you only knew the small list of nonsense I eat. All I know is that it would be smart of you to know how to cook by the time I arrive for you. Meat? Ugh. Never had fish myself. It does look appetizing when others eat it. Except sea creatures like octopus which my father drools over.

A huge goodnight slobbery kiss to you. I love you.

Love

Charity

Ps.You can still write me after I've wished you a good sleep. I can see how in a sense writing back would feel like the magic and specialness is erased and I'd have to do it over. At least that's how I'm thinking you see it. I do as well. But I love hearing from you no matter.If ever you do reply back, know that after I've read it I whisper another goodnight to you. The sugar plums should carry it to your head. Try not to dream about us. You are a pest in life, don't bother me in your sleep.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

"God knows what we'd be like if we were married. Ordinary domestic chores would probably fall by the wayside because we'd be too busy having long discussions about all sorts of things or listening to music or reading. "

Hard times lately for my heart....

How incredibly insensitive of you. You have no clue as to how many times I have wanted or imagined what you've written.

This is when you are so insensitive. Don't write to me about lost possibilities. The very things that are thought provoking are the ones in vain that frustrate me as i can't do a thing about it. These words of your are false hopes to my mind. Certainly you didn't mean for me to take them literal. But such thoughts mean alot to me because its something I want and can't have . But Charity, you yourself comment on pondering what things would've been like when I send you pictures and such? Yes. It's different because that's ME thinking them. because they are my emotions and I know how to handle them and what to expect. But having you write something like this shape shifts such comments because its you saying them. It's your feelings and emotions making the attempt to interweave with my own. It's a fools game. That which I can't control or touch. It's an added element.

I keep bringing this up and you must be fed up about it. It seems I can't get over it. Or perhaps with time. But i'm not willing to continue with it. Because no matter how much we can squeeze out of it, I will always thirst for more. You couldn't care less about that because you've got your other world. All you could say is " let's make the best of what we can". So fuckin easy for you to say. You're laying on a bed of fucking roses. I know. It's my problem and perhaps with proper time and nurture, i'd deal just fine. But I'm at the end of the rope here. Then not being able to see or touch you or talk to you face to face. It's too much. All this will make sense to no one but myself.

It's best if we remain friends, Mike. I love so much so you won't hear me say otherwise because this love is eternal. I want you to continue in my life. I have no choice but to keep it as friends. If you refuse this, well....I don't know. I love you.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Sweety,

Just had my shower . I've learned to take them AFTER you and I talk. I'll face the day cleaner that way. You can potentially cause bad hygeine so I must be prepared with showers. Sticky messes aren't exactly ideal . Not without you anyhow. As horny toad as I am I might make the mistake of humping a fire hydriene. Dangerous territory . Dangerous I say!

It has only been a week of our phone conversations and I've grown accustomed to waking in the early sun hours to hear your voice while laying in bed. Weekend mornings aren't going to be ideal with your voice stripped away from me. But don't rush it too much .You could ruin it that way. The way will come when we can say at least a hello during weekends. We may never be able to talk again if you behave pushy. Delicate position. I hate referring to us with such secrecy. Anyhow. Ah. So that's what you're doing for the rest of the day. Resigning in the creation of a rag doll. Make certain the dungeon is well hidden from a passersby. You've dropped a screw from your neck by the way. There, right down there on the floor to your left. Or it could be one holding your head together. Dunno. Of course this means you don't need me or me dressed as a rag doll. That's good to know. I'll jot that away in my journal asap. Less work for me.

I'll send you selected pictures from Paul's CD later in this day. No, no nudity for you Mister. You Pig. Ugh. So silly of me. I 'm not even good enough to know the process of sending it any other way than by taking a picture of his pictures. What a goop. This is what you fell in love with. But then again look what I fell for. Love is indeed blind. So I've done that and I'll take my usb flashdrive. Technology talk isn't interesting to me so I'll stop now.

I love you.

Love

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Sweety,

I'm about to jump in the shower, again. I'm a habitual showerer....sometimes I shower twice a day.Not sure if "showerer " is a word, but every word came into existence not certain whether it be of value or not. However the value is indeed measured anyhow. As far as I'm concerned, any word I use is valid and needs no confirmation from the universe.Or from Catholic school boys who received A's in gruahmer.

Since you subscribe to the evolutionary primate theory so much, I did some research and discovered some tangible proof. It's of Mike Knowles and Jacob on their honeymoon. Yes, I can see the connection you mentioned. Its all coming together now. I shall alert the science field at once.

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My Sweety,

Look what you've done . You've got me excessively horny . Evil . Evil I say! Something for the trip you say ? Yes, sticky mess . Mmmm. I felt every touch forwarded to me with extreme stimulation. I felt your lips sensually meet the back of my neck . And your hands passionately fondling my breasts.

And yes, that analogical car scenario did get me. I actually felt the momentum of your body and the penetration as you entered my body and the discharge as well.

When we do meet there will be no moderation to our touching you hear . That is momentous to remember . Brushing my hair sounds sweet . You'll be pampering me too much . I love you . You'll be spoiled too . You'll be mollycoddled with Koala hugs and sensitive touches and affection . A ton of I love yous as well.

I must break out of this lullaby effect now.

Mike, I was looking at your photos. The final two you sent the bigfoot and the one with you with a walking stick . The jungle looking one you appear very similar to that of the one when you were young .The one photo in which you put a light over your male you know what . Your face has nearly the exact same smile and the exact shadows overlapping your face . How odd is that one . O . You've sent me another mail . You can't stay back can you ? You're so very in love . What a loony .

Aw . Love bug . You're such a pot of honey . How ironic I was jotting down being horny and there you went and jotted down about my sincerity. Mike can we please talk about meeting every now and then ? to keep it fresh and to reassure me this will happen . And what I was to ask is that I would love to see your eye color . I know I know. You don't like taking pictures of yourself .Then just take it of your eyeball. That sounds ridiculous but I want to see . I love you forever. During the moon hours I light my scented candle and reread your messages . Then I sometimes scan to ones from long ago and I can actually see little sparkly colors of some of your behavioral characteristics . For instance, your skepticism about us . Or your distrust . Your hesitations . Your hurt . Your cold shoulder. Your shield . And much more . I can also see the reverse psychology and your little mind at work . What a goober .

I wish to continue but I'm being pressured over here . The wind cycle has changed and it looks the winds will now carry me to the Villa with Francine and such. There's a show at 8pm there tonight . Should be good . But before then they want to stop by the Getty . I don't mind at all . I love it there. Plus I haven't gone as a visitor for weeks so that should be nice. I love you ,Mike. Just know that you'll always have my heart with you . Surely you'll be on my mind the whole day . Hoping it was you here with me walking down the exhibitions.

Here's a goodnight kiss with embracing tongues. A tender loving Koala hug .

Goodnight .

Love

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My Sweetheart,

I really love you . There will come that day when we'll both head off to bed together . The first night should definitely leave out any form of distractions. Just you and me , bed and moon. The music that will be playing should be played softly in the backdrop . Because I'll need to listen to the noises coming from you . Verbally and physically . The natural melody of our bodies in sync and coalescing as one . Then there's your breathing that I long to hear and feel .

Fastforeward. After loving making , while we sleep tightly close next to each other spooning with your body behind mine, I dream of our hands interlocked . There's something about hands, and your in particular .

Ah. I love you my beautiful man. Have sweet dreams about us. A big kiss to you oozing with passion .

Love

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My love bug,

I bet you're tired of hearing me say I love you . It can't be helped .

You're just as naughty my Catholic boy . Forget me not .

Always

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My Mike,

McNob has done away with Fastguy and our beloved Goldbar . He's swims with the fishes now. Miss him already . A very idiotic profile, but it's one of the initial connections to you. First Foxey007 . Look here , if it wasn't for McNob you and I MIGHT have not been . I better go thank him. No really, I am .

Someone names "deepPimp" threw hell of verbal grenades at your recruiter . You will notice on this pimp's profile there is a post with his exact picture and a profile user name "deepkiing" . One guess at who it is. Yes, lad. McNob must have dozens upon dozens of profiles. Wait. What the hell is this ?

"The following was recorded last night. The patient was obviously dreaming.

ZZZZZZZZZZ...WEDDING....THOUGHTSTREEMZ MARRIES MCNOB...ZZZZZZZZZZ....SHE'S WEARING WHITE AND YET SHE'S BEARING HIS CHILD...ZZZZZZZ

We can't make head or tail of it. What we need right now is a little Charity.

Dr A.K. "

Mmmm. Do you see that little hidden subconscious suggestion.? Sounds like that "risk" that could happen between us.

If anyone is going to impregnate me it'll be you ,darling . It'll be your sperm making its way in.

Ehh? I'm not certain Dan knows who McNob is. He wasn't deeply involved with him as we were. He seems to not even know you are "therecruiter". In all honesty Dan possibly thinks you were referring to yourself and me by posting that. You silly man. Dan doesn't know about us. He's come on to me before very subtly . I turned his jewelry down. Better keep this between us. I don't want to hurt him even more. He might chop you to pieces. No, but we are friends, he and I . He's never asked me around, ok? Nor has he flirted with me . We keep it friendly . I love you .

All went well today . The tour went very fine. A feeling of joy and pride took over. When one puts themselves out there, especially with shattered nerves, one is essentially throwing their scent out there. That's unfortunate at times when through the other person's perception they are more likely than not viewing you in a "f irst impressions" light. One has to go through initial phases to understand how one will react to them. It's an experience, life is the moment . It's all. Once one throws themselves like so, the tension slowly dissipates. One's natural essence eases . That's what happened today . The tension dispersed as soon as the group ,,bla bla. Boy. What a day . Then the night comes and I look back at the day's events and the highlight of the day , like the tour, and the precise event that had me bananas seem so small and puny. Like baby food.

Humans are fickle. fascinating .

Love you

Charity

Shower time. Imagine your way to me in the steamy tub.

Let me know if you get this in time

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My Love,

I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have put you through this. Indeed we both dove in with eyes wide open. It must be difficult on your side as well. I was being selfish and insensitive. You have a whole world you built your life around out there. I won't dare try and destroy it by forcing you to expose any of this. I don't wish to threaten your marriage . Just bear with me. I wish you'd of told me that your family is growing suspicious. I'll understand if you want to cut it off here and now. I could only imagine what that must be like to deal with. I love you so much. It was very sweet of you to offer to call me on occasion when you otherwise shouldn't be . You're so tenderly attentive and its why I love you.And its how I know you love me.

I must reboost myself with the sleep cycle now. Forgive me?

Love you.

Always

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Sweety,

Don't apologise for anything. Don't dare sign off the way you did in that friends email. It hurt reading it more than it hurt reading the other passage I had trouble with that started all of this. It was ridiculous to try and keep it as friends. We are far beyond the borders of friendship. The same energy force that drew me to you will also prevent me from staying away from you. Please, reconsider what you said and forget your promise of never mentioning what could have been. Don't quit sharing your thoughts with me. Don't dare hide them from me. That would be a big horrible mistake on your part. Actually, I love when you refer to us as one or the possibilities that could have been. Because I'm sure it will happen on another level. And I find them comforting .What else should you stop doing you ask. Nothing. Don't stop anything. Because we have it good as it was. I just ask not to keep things from me. Run things by me instead of my having to figure them out because you're afraid of how I'll respond. Just like the holiday situation. I'm a lot stronger than this I just know it. It's just been a rough week for me I suppose. Very emotional. I don't know what has such a strong hold on us. But I love it and I love you. I won't try to force it another direction. That'll be a waste of time. I'm sorry for all this. Can we please forget about it and move on ? That's if you'll still have me?

No.You're wrong and you know it. The contradiction you spoke about. We won't get used to it. How can you be so sure. Does our love fade away for you that you are so capable of saying such mumbo jumbo? Please don't say that again.

I won't be able to sleep until I hear by you, Mike. I love you a ton.

Always

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Mr Obsessive,

I almost forgot my confession. Believe me or not, I've never loved or felt so much for another individual. Just like you said. I think we both understand that.

Don't worry about writing me today. I know you'll be busy with your family. You don't know how much that hurt me to jot down. I felt that laser sensation cut throughout the center of my body.

Enough of it. Anyhow. I'm ok with two if you like. No need to walk home early. Just enjoy your time. I don't want to be the hidden motive behind it. Don't do things for me. Please.

Love

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

[ This is the email I hesitated to send last night for some reason beyond me. Which is odd because our train of thought were heading to the same destination without even knowing it .]

My Love

There used to live a longing for eternal life in my heart. I was so in love with the world . Still am . Couldn't accept the simplicity of being brought here to live and to die. Just being placed on earth for a short period in time . Then having to leave. It felt like a sick joke and something in me kept whispering " This isn't true. The end won't come .It's unreal. In the last second it really won't happen. Not to you". Regardless of how many death stories I was surrounded by, the disbelief was in me. The power of wanting something so bad makes one see through faulty lighting. The mind is the greatest persuader . Or perhaps the voice is referring to another dimension or a continuance I firmly believe in. Some sort of continuing journey.

But it's the very world we've come to know was the reason for the mind change of not minding to pass on . Because peace will only be found then, I assume. Everyone internally wants to feel what real peace is like . So I subscribed to the idea that the cycle will go on and I must accept what is. Then you came along . And now I'm back at one. I wish to be eternally here with you . Then the feeling comes over me that this is real and it won't be touched or harmed by any end. But reality is in the equation. It's a dangerous thought . Then again, it is only the physical sense that may end. But to me that is vital . I want you in these moments the ones I can count on to a definite solid proof that we have this moment( this sounds unclear, but i won't change it because I think you'll understand). No one has tangible proof of what comes next after this .So anything is possible. But this is no end. I am convinced I've walked into a trap by loving you in this world .Because it has TIME, and this place we depend on time for survival. I feel helpless to not be capable of stopping time ."Atlas Shrugged', that man trying to put a halt the motor on the earth. The danger comes in by falsely and naively believing we are immortals. I mean, I know we're not. But the feeling of that everlasting effect is so easy to grasp when you've found someone you beyond love. Because I've found peace with you . A settlement that houses various peace in its many shades . Just peace . I can't describe it . Someplace I can rest assured and release my whole self . Everything that makes me up, whatever that is . And to me that defines peace . The release . Thank you Sweety for that . Think it seldom happens here to others .I think you'll understand because you seem to have done the same by soaking in the comfort. We are forced to face the reality of it all. Anything can happen to either of us at any given moment . That's life. I love you in this one and in whatever is next .

Yes , of course this love and energy is eternal . It goes beyond this and that is a great comfort.

I love you always .

Love

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Mike,

I'm feeling very emotional . What a day today . The morning start off was a clue today would be a ride .

I'll be up for a bit longer reading a book and answering Jacob, I mean emails . Yes, I'm selflessly making a effort to maintain these people, tired as I may be .

There is a great need to delete everything above.

Sweety so that was last night . We were bound to have this discussion . but now this email has irrelevant points to it perhaps.

Just glad we can accept things , though with difficulty , and move . I love you and I will get to feel what it would be like to live with you . The trip and meetings will fill that . Goodnight .

You fat goop . You caused me to lose focus on my work . It's still a long day here. I'll be let out at 10 pm. Way after it's closed . Love it . School went well .

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My Mike,

I'm sorry . Never had the magic of comfort to another soul when they are down. In fact It's the opposite. Charity gets sucked right into their frame of thought and gets caught in their feelings. Above all, she's a worrying person, and very sensitive to other people's moods. When someone near me that I like feels down or angry, I get a little depressed myself. When they're happy ,I'm happy . And you are feeling weak and you talk as if resigning from life and from your beautiful mind. It killed me to read those words in reference to the nursing home. Don't talk like that . You are weary and with good reason . But it's not time to stop ,please. In these moments we need to be together .

I asked you in the morning if there was something wrong or on your mind. You said no . I wish you would have mentioned it then so I could have at least tried to comfort you .

Yes, life isn't rosy . Unfortunately it never was. Like I said, especially within artist communities it is not hard to land at the bottom of the heap. Since the beginning of time we see evidence of struggle in every sense of the word. You know we were put here to suffer but at the same time we were built to withstand . I'm fortunate enough to have found peace here with you . And life is rosy with you in it. Wish i could give you the same. Yes, don't go pull a van Gogh now. About a good ten years ago the news broke that a troubled man was on the 710 or 110 freeway completely distraught about HMO's and he threatened his life. The news choppers were all over it. This man had a shotgun and a dog in his truck . he lit the truck on fire with both of them in it. Then he opened the door as if it was too much and stood there on the freeway screaming about . Only moments later he set his rifle down the side of the railing and reached down below and to everyones shock pulled the trigger and literally blew his brains out on national tv. That is something unforgettable. The guts he had to complete the action. The mental decay . Anyhow. Certainly you've got more lust left for life .

I'll play that hypnotising game with you if you like . I'll even play it in real life. I'll be the hypnotee and you the hypnotist. Yes, i know hypnotee is not an official word, but I"VE made it one. So can you . And yes, all you need is rest to redeem yourself. It happens. I still love you with every bit of my soul and energy . You think love is simple ? You're wrong if you think my love for you is selective. That I'll take one aspect of you and reject another . It's unconditional. And now you've gone and passed me your blank slate of a mind.

Think this over. Let there not be the whole weight on your brittle shoulders. Just kidding there . In all fairness I should be involved with the expenses of the trip. Do not know how you feel about that. I know men want to be the one to pay for everything, but bla bla. I shall straighten out the financial crap here and now. Let me take a minute ....

If indeed you agree , no reason why not to, we can meet this year without a question. In about 5 months time. That would make it August / September. Although then there would be temptation on my part to wait til November since it's your birthday month. Yes, this second hand love of yours named Charity won't be able to spend the exact birth date with you, I know I know. But to at least be there within the month to celebrate it as one.Before or after the precise date. Also, I bet my bottom dollar those wonderful Christmas lights will be up around town by then. We could walk together holding hands while gazing at the lights and the reflection they cause. We can bundle up next to one another to keep warm. I'll hold your cane for you . What? A walking cane ? No silly, your candy cane. Durrr. Tis the season......

Sleep won't come easy until you show a sign of life. I love you to the end and beyond. Love you so deeply . And will get out of the bad habit of bringing up your age ?

Love

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My Mike,

Bitter ? That doesn't live here . If it were you and I would have been cooked long ago.I said I can be envious when it comes to you at times , but I'm smart enough to know better . I don't have the guts to act on it. That's good. I've always been a grateful person, so that was an insult . However I'll drop the subject after this word. The first few sentences on your second paragraph of your reply to my dreamers email, that is so easy for you to say. Your the one getting what you want, two females . Looking at it from afar, I'm the bozo in the shoes that a prostitute would let herself walk in , for lack of a better expression. Those idiot mormon like dumb women I've always hated . Their stupid submission to second hand treatment by a male. 7 wives, ugh .Don't you ever make me feel like a submissive dumb fuck like that ever again. As if you have the right to have two fucking women in one life time while i just sit back. How would you take it if I were to pick myself up another man and have you all the same ? . It's just stupidity on my heads part . And you say I'm intelligent. A stupid fat red monkey without a banana has more brains at this point. Enough of that . I'm grateful we've got this out in the open . Knowledge of the facts living in the mind fail to cause a full impact until one hears it out loud . Or reads it in this case. Take what we can get . That's what I was doing . Only there were attempts to take it beyond the limits only to find out there I had been at the limits all along .I wanted more and kept failing in getting it. Dreams remain dreams reality remains reality . Having the two joined if only for a moment may be worthwhile. Being in a position as this has been hell at times,, but it's settling in and rooting itself . This is perhaps the last great effects the problem has had on me . It makes me think of the phrase " get over it , move on ". Because I do have every intention of sucking you dry and taking full advantage of what we've got. Not as if you and I had history and you chose your current life over our lives. No, we were thrown into each others arms in a time string that has no beginning or end. A continuous thread. And that's is all I'm familiar with , so let's continue with what we were given. Reminds me of America. This country was born with strength , selfishness, deceit and bullying . It will now only survive that way , the only way it knows. This relationship can only be survived the way it came. No beginning and no end. Just the middle . It's hard to articulate those thoughts into words. The message gets lost . I think you understand. Just glad to have found you . You know when i hurt I can b cruel. Even when I don't hurt I can senselessly be cruel, it still comes ,but that's aside the point. So if there was anything you found harsh in the previous mails, I'm sorry for that . There is really nothing more to be said. Aside from having been drained out, there is nothing more than can be said. Only in vain it can . The interest in talking about this is lost .

I'm looking at myself in the mirror and my hair isn't to be considered long but it is growing longer. No, not literally before my eyes silly . In the course of a few weeks. I like it and think to keep it this way . Meduim length ,perhaps? I've bought Dan's new album and listened to it in its entirety. Word through the grapevine is he sold one record. A great accomplishments considering initially they predicted a lower sales number . In fact , it was so good Dan himself decided to generously giveaway the ten other cd's straight out of the trunk of his car . It was the first track that made me see the light . What power that Dan .

Of course we'll figure something out . You fool . We can put our heads together using crazy glue. That Elmer's school glue doesn't work you know. It's a wild idea of yours to want our heads together , don't know what will come out of it aside from a sticky situation. Or perhaps it's a fetish of yours. OdD baLL you . Your shenanigans made a come-back eh?. It sounds like you're feeling better . That brings with it joy and relief to me. I feel happy again. I love you . Part of my last break down stemmed from the fact we weren't talking about a meeting date or just thoughts on it in general .Which lead to a beleif that it wasn't going to happen .Then you brought up the dependence put on the publisher and that felt like a direct shove backwards from you . Bla. So start the brainstorming you writer you .

Anyhow. I'm headed for the mountains later on this day .Hopefully there'll be friendly gnomes to talk to .

Tell me you love me . I love you with my whole heart .

Love

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My Sweets ,

I'm feeling ....blech!, let me change this color text . I was trying to please you by using yellow text, but it didn't work out so good. As you can see that yellow didn't compliment that red on the heading .If it does it doesn't fit this moments mood . Anyhow. Just arrived home ready to retire . Yawn . Sleepy . Yes yes , I can hear you now ," You ahr thee layzeeust puhsun I've eva known " . That 's your accent there .Too cute . Oh how I can not wait to hear it again . To think my ears will be deprived of my sweethearts voice for two whole weeks . How can you even accept that with the greatest of ease ? It's a tragic thing really . Mike, please try and make it so we can speak once in a while during these dreadful silent days coming up . Picture my face pouting and my lashes fluttering gazing into your eyes . Please please ? I love you so dearly that if a phone call isn't made my stomach will literally tie in knots . Yes, my stomach is that sensitive.

Hmmm. Passport picture . Mmmm . Yes . That must be sent straight away . There shall be a schedule set up on this end as well . Though the trip with dad is on hold for my personal reasons . When indeed my picture arrives we shall swap . Send yours as soon as you get it .

Mmm. You're snoozing right now . All snugly and cozy in the warmth . I wish I could close my eyes and dream my way to your bed .Surely we'd be in a spooning position . With our hands interlocking like our spirits have . Surrendered to one another in every aspect of human and spiritual capacity . Mike please hurry .How much more can we take of this ? arg . The same thing can be said by my lips . In reference to making love to each other that is . Having given myself to you with every emotion and extreme love will surely have the effect of our love making far more profound than ever in my life or my wildest dreams. You understand I know you feel the same. You can feel it and imagine it now can't you ?

Your "Ms Honesty " mail. Wow. Look at he degree in which you know me so intimately . The quickness of your perceptual insight indicates the amount of love you have for me .Attentive you've always been . I love you . You are beyond special , Mike . Like many other of your emails , this one too has a tight hold on me to the point my eyes formed little water droplets of genuine love . Your acceptance of me seems unconditional and grasping that isn't common for me . You my boy are amazing . I believe we are stuck with each other through thick and thin . Committed eternally . You feel that too don't you ? Of course you do . Let's see if next time about the accommodations align in favor of .

Ok. I must catch zzzzz's. Have a delightful morning . Forget me not. By the way . Last night every third hour something forced me awake and I'd had you on my mind each time . My body rested close to the wall to have that void, that sense of empty space one feels with open air that needs filling in . To satisfy my imagination and dream in my head that you are with me in bed . You're there next to me in my thought streams . But the sensing of that filled in spot being you helps the fantasy . And it wasn't sexual . It was simply to feel you sleep next to me . Mike is Charity's candy land.

I love you more than anyone .

Love

Charity

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Mike,

I assume it's all over with .Your silence says it all. I will spare the waterworks and simply say that it's been beyond great to have had you .

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My Mike,

What on earth is bothering you ? I don't want you to feel down. My sensitive stomach knots up when you feel blue. It was my fault wasn't it ? I just know it was . I apologise for whatever I did . I love you . Talk to me please . What are you doing ? is it a clear starry night out there ? Is it cold?

Love

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

My Love,

It's such a sad time thinking here that tomorrow the little nervous knots in my tummy won't form because there won't be a phone call. I can't bear it ,Mike. I heard in your voice this past morning when I begged you not to go . It told me two things. One, that you longed to stay on board as well. Two, you felt helpless and wanted me quiet to not make it worse. Maybe even a bit of anger detected, for lack of a better word, that I was placing you in between a rock and a hard place. But the anger was because you knew you couldn't give me what I asked for. I want you . I fear my voice will fade away from your mind with every passing day we don't talk . It feels like a Sunday or just the weekend in general. Because we won't talk . Enough . The tears are making their way out . That reminds. My sweety got emotional. You couldn't even take a deep breath to answer me back near the end of our conversation .It tore you apart didn't it . If I didn't know any better I'd say your eyes were moist. There was a great need to hold you then and there . I wanted to fall into your arms.

Ok, so enough of this . Write me soon . There remains some time left before heading to sleep ville . During this difficult time , there will be need for massive affirmation of your love . To make up for your voice or groans not being present , A request goes out for some sticky emails . Again, if opportunity arises, let me know .

I love you . Oh...argggggggggggg. You're little voiceis heard saying those words in my thoughts . So vivid . I miss you .Forgive me for this desperate plea . This should give you an idea of just how clingy Charity is and will be . One more thing . If ever you find yourself on inkshot , do tell before hand . It will make us feel closer . We can write there . We are being monitored I bet . Some perv jerking off over us . Another man added me . All these private messages . hmmm.

I love you .

Love

From: Charity

To: Mike Knowles

Mike,

If it's over it would be appreciated if you were to tell it so. This was probably inevitable on your side . The more you ignore my comments the worse off we'll be. I just feel you've been wrapping me around your thumb and now that you know it's secure you don't care for it anymore.

Charity

Where's my kiss? And my I love you?

Comments

I once asked Charity for the name of her boss at the Getty Museum and she claimed she'd had to sign a confidentiality clause. Whilst this may be normal practice if she were working for the CIA, this is a prestigious museum. There'd be no reason why the staff would want their names to be kept confidential. Unless it turns out every exhibit is a forgery! I didn't press the point. Instead I pretended to accept her rather flimsy excuse. Then there was her address. We'd promised to exchange letters and gifts. But when I checked her address through the phone book for that area, there was no one there with her name.

After our relationship had finished, I learned that she was having a romantic affair with some guy in Australia. And that she called him her, "sweet pumpkin." The Goop had been replaced by a Dirty Digger. Still, it was a relief to know someone else had taken her on. By this time Charity's sudden mood swings had left me emotionally drained. No doubt she had our Antipodean dancing to her version of Waltzing Matilda! Poor guy. I think he probably felt as if he were boxing with an extremely angry kangaroo! In fact, I came across her a few months ago and received this in her email...

"...Indeed this entity named dwells in Australia for the past, say, 3 years. On and off the first year and a half. It takes a traveling soul to do this for it can at times ache the heart just a little. Do I enjoy it here? Yes. It's no different to back home, there are good days and bad days, the location does not change the way life moves its waves. Do I miss my old life? yes. Do I like my new life? yes. Do I want my old one back? yes! So you see, it tears one apart. I miss my family too. Simple things as well like my car and my room with all my strange and wonderful books."

When I checked the header on her email, (as I always do when dealing with trolls), it told me that it been sent from California – the same place her other emails had come from. Maybe she'd popped back to send it. Just for old time's sake.
Part 2: My Emails

From: Mike Knowles

To: Charity

Honeybun,

Yes, your Tinman wants you safe and sound. So please don't scare the shit out of me again by describing your near misses on the Autobahn! (Whoops! I think I'm getting you confused with that German girl! The one with a penchant for wearing SS uniforms). I note from that remark about a "sausage face" you're determined not to let me forget that I compared your face to a "burst German sausage." If you recall, that was when you were pretending to be that Belgian binge drinker. Suffused with alcohol, the compulsive drinker's face does resemble a burst German sausage. Which one? The salami.

The poetry was utterly charming.

Oodles of cloying love,

Your cheaper and weaker version of the Iron Man.

From: Mike Knowles

To: Charity

Chatty Charity!

Bloody Hell! I never thought I'd be having an affair with a Red Indian! On the other hand, you'll be a cheap date. Just a few brightly colored beads and a bottle of fire water and you're mine. As for the compliments, please! My ego is stretched to breaking point. Any more and it'll burst through my mouth like an air bag. I wish you were my agent. Better still, my publisher. How good are you with a lithographic press? I'm also glad that you've decided to grapple with my theory. I've been trying to palm the fucking thing on to someone else for months. Add quantum physics to the brightly colored beads and the bottle of firewater.

Yes, that was my mother on that plate. They were just about to eat her. Never accept a dinner invitation from cannibals. Not until you know you're not the main course.

Great photos! I've put them into my folder.

Lots of love, Old Bighead.

From: Mike Knowles

To: Charity

Charity,

Listen, woman! If McNob can do it, so can I! "tombrown" is ME! The Trollbuster General works in extremely mysterious ways his wonders to perform. In order to preserve your tenuous sanity, please remember that I have more aliases than the Scarlett Pimpernel. Check out "italianbud" – he sent Dave a personal message. Does that profile seem familiar? Was he also The Lonely Italian in a Hotel Room? If so, he must have checked out. I hope he paid his bill. This is clearly McNob in his coat of many colours.

Mike

From: Mike Knowles

To: Charity

Dear Confused.

Pay attention, woman! Surely you mean that italianbud? As I said, TOMBROWN IS MY ALTER EGO. I've finished my schooldays, if you must know. I'm just trying to muddy the water here. The idea being to keep the buggers on their toes. Let's see if McNob comes up with a similar profile. Have you read any of my other stuff yet, woman? There's more to life than Interpals.

Mike.

From: Mike Knowles

To: Charity

My Totally Amazing Twin!

I once had a friend who worked in a museum. His name was Artie Facts. But he got fired because he was always making an exhibition of himself.

I remain always,

Your most devoted servant,

The Trollbuster General.

From: Mike Knowles

To: Charity

Dearest Charity,

They say that the course of true love never runs smooth. How's that for a comforting cliché? I have a whole bagful of them. There are plenty more fish in the sea. It's always darkest before the dawn. Every cloud has a silver lining. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Maybe you forgot to feed him? Is he worth it? And how come he didn't make the connection between your two profiles? He's clearly no Sherlock Holmes. I sometimes have more than one profile. But, unlike you, I like to make them different. Variety is the spice of life. There's another cliché! Will they never stop? And I'm not jealous. Perish the thought. No sign of the green eyed monster here! I usually throw furniture around the house, smash the windows and out my foot through the TV set. So, you needn't worry about being a home breaker. I've beaten you to it.

As for that unanswered question? Life is full of mystery. Don't lose any sleep over it.

Lots of love,

Angry Guy.

From: Mike Knowles

To: Charity

Charity,

No, you haven't ruined anything. How could you? As for the book, I just thought this relationship of ours would make interesting reading. And it would be a shame to hide these emails away. There's a precedence. Have you read that book, 84 Charing Cross Road? It was written by an American woman called Helen Hanff, (would that be the Hanff and Hanff nots?), who entered into a 20 year correspondence with an Englishman who worked for an antiquarian bookseller in London's Charing Cross Road.

The book was turned into a stage, TV play and film. So this would be a 21st Century version. I could even buy a bookshop in Charing Cross Road. Just to add an extra twist to the story. Publishers and film producers love that sort of thing. Whereas you just want to keep it private, I'm a writer and I smell a good story. Needless to say your name will be changed and only a decent amount of money will persuade me to reveal it.

Love,

Frank Doel II.

From: Mike Knowles

To: Charity

Dear Horny Female,

I'm sorry if I upset you. I certainly didn't mean to imply that you were a nymphomaniac. Women like that can get fucked, for all I care. Not that insults have any effect on them because they tend to take everything lying down.

At my age a dirty mind can be fatal. Even having a shit has been known to prove too much of a strain for men over 50. Their hearts just can't take it. And sex produces stronger emotions than defecation. At least it does in most men. Well, I hope it does. Otherwise I'm the perverted one! In fact, I've never heard of a man ever having a shit that was that good that he ejaculated because of it. On the other hand, if her did this would be something he'd prefer to keep to himself! So you can consider me to be a special type of man because I keep a tight rein on my dirty thoughts.

Your Celibate Lover,

Mike.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Weird. I had peanut butter on toast for breakfast this morning! Will you please stop doing that. It's paranormal. No, I'm not getting into this. Because of your disturbing experience I'm having to undergo counseling sessions. Next time I hope you get covered in ectoplasm. Actually, a spiritualist told me that when these things masturbate they ejaculate ectoplasm. The things you learn. As for the leg touching, there have been recorded cases of people being sexually abused by incubuses. Personally, I put it down to wishful thinking. Anyway, I hope you wake up and find you haven't been transported to the nether regions or the astral plane or whatever.

From: Mike

To: Charity

What Beowulf did YOU see? There's two. The one I saw was totally CGI. Don't tell me you saw THAT one and thought the scenery was real?

From: Mike

To: Charity

Don't come to the UK unless you like tourism? In other words, don't come and live here. The guy must be working for Immigration. You seem to attract the Travis Bickle types.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Horrible Saturday. Shopping and all the rest of it. Yes, the Hula-Hula Girl and I are going to Vegas to get married. We're driving down in her pickup. We'd have got married over here, but petrol is still cheaper in the Land of the Free. Her Remington irritated me because it was pretentious. As though she were saying, 'Look! I'm real writer! I use this old Remington.' It's not the tools that make a writer, but they're talent. Shakespeare had to make do with a quill pen! She messaged me saying she found Friedman pretentious. So why read him?

From: Mike

To: Charity

Passport hasn't arrived – and they haven't started putting those chips in yet. Did you know that before WW1 an Englishman and woman could go anywhere in the world, WITHOUT A PASSPORT! And there was no currency exchange. They paid in English currency wherever they might be. And they say civilization is advancing! Mormon? That's just one step above Scientology. Stay away from them. I've heard they do things. Dark things. They drink fresh human blood and dance naked on hot coals. If you have to go borrow Dan's gun and take some silver bullets.

From: Mike

To: Charity

You just have this gift of expressing yourself in a natural and captivating way. However, I must point out that not EVERYONE will be better off without it.

From: Mike

To: Charity

I had trouble getting on Interpals as well – maybe they're trying to block us. I wholeheartedly agree with your decision not to talk to Dan. You're right. Apart from the biggest reason of all – that this Neanderthal kills living creatures for sport – there's a whole bunch of reasons for dropping this asshole like a hot potato. It's obvious he completely misread your personality otherwise he would never have even contemplated coming on to you. He even got friendly with Falcons and they were swapping stories about automobiles! We're horse and carriage people. We're a million miles from that jerk.

From: Mike

To: Charity

I see no problem with Skype tomorrow. On one condition, that you use the term "sweetie" and use it freely. I really must insist on that. It's like the gentle beating of an angel's wings. Ah, beware! The silvery-tongued devil is at it again!

The "sleepingman" profile.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Another development! I asked Rubinstein if he was the Kid. Now check the sleepingman. Latest visitor is a 14-year old black kid called Emily! Boy with a girl's name? And the Kid was round about that age – and he's dark skinned. And check his profile. I've copied it in case he erases this one. He's playing with us. And Falcons reckons you and me are the same person! Well, in a way he's right! Have fun. But don't stay up too late!

From: Mike

To: Charity

Not bad, eh? I made a horrible faux pas and then got out of it by turning it into a joke. Yes, our feelings haven't changed. Trying to remain detached and on a purely friendly basis is impossible. I know how much it hurts you to even try. So let's be honest about our feelings. There's no need to bend any more. Okay, I'm tempted to make something of that. But then I recall you'd rather walk in the park. The truth is if anyone can inflame my passions, it would be you.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Has everything been reduced to the lowest common denominator? You're right about sex. It fell into perspective when I realised it was a basic function, like eating and breathing. And its only purpose is the preservation of the species. Yet religion decided it was a sin and suddenly it was blown out of all proportion. Nowadays it's considered by many to be the most important factor in a relationship. A view promoted by the advertising industry and the makers of Viagra. Society has lost its sense of proportion. The trivial has become vital and vice versa. That's why people like us need to stick together. An island of sanity in a sea of utter madness. Take the Olympics. China should be denied the right to host this event until they stop abusing human rights. So should every other nation like them. The carrot and the stick. Reward good behavior, punish bad. Simple but effective. Can you imagine China suddenly changing its spots because they hosted the Olympics? Yet some people are gullible enough to hope they will. Hitler's Germany hosted the Olympics and that didn't help the Jews. Not to mention the millions of others who were killed.

Listen to me! Where's the comedy gold? It will return, I promise. Your email has cheered me up no end. We need each other, woman! We're Siamese Twin Soul Mates. Separate us and we wither. I just hope this has cheered you up. I hate to think of you being unhappy.

From: Mike

To: Charity

I'm sorry you were upset and I was my fault. I know you'd like to go back to the way it was. To talk like we used it. But it was frustrating for me. Frustrating because I know that even if we could live together it just wouldn't work out. Here's the reason. And I just know you're going to object. It's the age thing. I've tried to ignore it, but I can't. If we could have both grown old together then I would have moved heaven and earth to be with you. The truth of the matter is I'm too old for any sort of passionate relationship. It's come too late for me. And there's no point pretending otherwise. When Groucho Marx got old he used that these days all he could do was look. You once told me you preferred art to sex. Me – I now prefer work to sex. Whilst not totally incapable, it no longer holds the same attraction to me.

So it's not just that I'm a prude. And for a man it can be difficult to be so honest. Yet you deserve the truth. No matter how difficult it is for me. I hate growing old! But don't worry. I intend to keep going for as long as possible. I don't want to end the relationship because you're still the only person who's been able to get through to me. Compared to yours, other people's emails seem dry and lifeless. Likewise their conversation. Reading your emails is a sheer joy! I've never met anyone who can express themselves so naturally as you. And I'd hate to lose that. I'd hate to lose you. The truth is I fell in love with you and, instead of being honest, I tried to give you what you wanted. I tried to put back the clock.

From: Mike

To: Charity

You seem to be a fan of the English, so for your information a potato chip is called a "crisp" over here. Ergo, a packet of Cheetos would be a packet of crisps. The popular UK brand being "`Walkers" which come in various flavours: plain, cheese & onion, beef, etc. There are also some really exotic ones. Like Tandori chicken. They can also be hand fried or have their skins attached or be plain or crinkly cut. For all I know, they even sell them raw.

Chips are French Fries. These can be steak chips, which are really thick. Or crinkley chips. Or thin chips which are often called French Fries or American Fries. They can also be curly. The traditional British dish is fish and chips. Fish and French Fries just doesn't have the same ring to it. It also sounds much too posh. The fish is either cod, haddock, plaice or rock salmon deep fried in batter. Served with or without peas. The peas can either be marrowfat or mushy, which looks like someone's eaten too much grass and it's given them diarrhea.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Thanks to you I'm even more confused about the time. Fortunately, I've got the International Time Zone Clock to help me. So I'll be expecting to hear your dulcet tones on the morrow. As for playing in the snow, I don't want to get frostbite. That could lead to gangrene and amputation. Don't wish these things on me, woman! Snow turns to slush. It may not in America. In America it may keep its pristine condition indefinitely. But not over here. I presume you'll be attending Charlton Heston's funeral. Just make sure he's dead, right?

From: Mike

To: Charity

Hope you're having a nice day. I've just eaten a chocolate covered donut and I'm feeling guilty. Shades of Homer Simpson! Aaahhhh! Donuts!

From: Mike

To: Charity

I'm eating as normal. It's YOU who has that problem! As for the role of babysitter, this presents few problems. I don't have that much patience so I've decided to calm the little one by giving her a few nips of Jack Daniels. Grandfather's Little Helper.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Okay, one minute you say it's all over and don't talk to me again, the next you're wondering why I haven't contacted you. Make your mind up, woman! From now on I'll use Interpals to check on some profiles. Now McNob's joined the WMAS there's no point going back. And with just one ID he's more manageable. And if that Englishwoman was McNob in one of his many guises, then we'll hear from her/him again. I'm a writer. I must follow every lead. This has the makings of a great story.

From: Mike

To: Charity

I'm still dazed by the sheer strength of your feelings for the Tin Man. A somewhat rusty Tin Man. What could I possibly have done to deserve this? The film Beowulf brought back memories. We covered this classic poem at school. In the film, Grendel's mother is able to turn herself into a a beautiful woman that no man can resist. As the last of the monsters, this is the way she survives. That reminds me of you. Not the monster bit, of course. At least, I hope not! You have captured both my heart and my imagination. I still find it difficult to accept that this is actually happening. This is the stuff of dreams...you are the stuff of dreams. An incredibly beautiful spirit sent to entwine and enslave me. I miss you, too. But work must take precedence otherwise we'll never get anywhere.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Great email, woman! I enjoyed every moment of it. Of course, I knew you'd solve the problem with the laptop because we both know you're much too modest to admit to being a Geek. Took you all morning? More likely it took you the space of a few deft keystrokes. God only knows what sort of vicarious pleasure you get out of pretending to the Tin Man that you're a technophobe. And I'll accept that it is an eagle...for the time being. It's not a bald headed one is it, with Old Glory draped around its shoulders singing, "Home of the Brave?" If so, shoot the fucker! Only joking. I love birds and always make sure they've got plenty of seed in the feeder we've got in the garden. Okay, so they shit all over the place. Sometimes on my head, the ungrateful sods. But, like God, I forgive them.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Okay, one of your pals in the UK informed you that our clocks had gone forward? Correct. I thought they went back. I always get confused by these things. Senility is setting in. Not helped by the fact that I've lost an hour's sleep. I'm not sure about the French glass double doors. How can you be sure the glass came from France? Is it more opaque than American glass? Or less? You're needlessly confusing an old man who's trying desperately hard to cling onto what few mental faculties he has left. Double doors? One behind the other? Why make going from one room to another so needlessly time consuming? American architecture differs so much from ours.

From: Mike

To: Charity

The pond story brought back memories. My stepfather was always taking me to rivers and ponds. He would then tie a lead weight to my legs and throw me in. Fortunately, evolution overlooked my gills when our ancestors crawled out of the sea. I still have them and can breathe quite happily under water. That's why my throat whistles. It's the air passing through the gills. Rogers & Hammerstein wrote a song based on me. "The Gills Are Alive With The Sound of Music." I've always been one for the gills. As a teenager I would come home in tears and my mother would say, 'Gill trouble again?' Enough of these puns!

From: Mike

To: Charity

I find myself facing an embarrassment of riches. A goop totally besotted with the Tin Man. I'm not used to all these sweet nothings. Yet, I must confess that I've become addicted to them. I eagerly await the next batch. They have almost replaced the tube of glue on my desk. Now I hardly need those fumes to give me a buzz. You should offer your services to the DEA.

From: Mike

To: Charity

I'm toying with the idea of creating another Ning site. This one will be entitled, "The Walter Mitty Appreciation Society, TWMAS. I'll stick some of those early profiles on along with some updates. For example, after being arrested on a charge of laundering money, Goldbar became a police informant until he was drowned at sea in mysterious circumstances. The white trash in the trailer was chopped to pieces by her lover – the scene will be described in graphic detail. (Dan would love it.) Then we can tell McNob about it. I bet he won't be able to resist joining.

From: Mike

To: Charity

I see, so I must avoid any contact with females who are artistic and sensitive. I presume men are okay – unless they're gay. Yes, I fear we must disagree on this point. And yes, it is somewhat stressful. I'm behind with my work. I've neglected things. I'd like to tell my wife that she'll have to be the sole breadwinner because I'm far too busy writing emails to you. But I'm loath do so. So I need to come up with another idea for "Commando." There are other projects that have fallen by the wayside. So I need to be strong and concentrate on them. In which case, you'll just have to be patient with me. You'll have to make do with a little less of me. We went through this once before, but I allowed myself to slip back. Oh, I'll do it later. So, yes, the stress is building up.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Just discovered why I was feeling down – that negative email of yours. I deserved it. Saying those things is like rubbing salt in the wound. We'll communicate when you're ready. The last thing you need is to be pestered by the person who got you into this mess.

From: Mike

To: Charity

The other thing I wanted to raise was your habit of dropping hints. The latest one was about using rubbers and knowing full well it would be impossible for me to withdraw in time. Then your remark about what the Sleeping Man wrote. My answer about the rubbers should have told how I feel. So why not come right out with it, woman? Let's not pussyfoot around these things.

From: Mike

To: Charity

I'll repeat this again – the only one who can end this relationship is you. So there's no point asking me if I'm prepared to go on because the answer will be an inevitable and resounding, "yes!" Are we clear now where I stand?

From: Mike

To: Charity

Don't worry, I won't try to analyse any of it. Some Day of Reflection, eh? Of course, it simply boils down to one question. And it doesn't matter whether you answer it by emails or voice, (although voice will make it very emotional.) Do you still feel the same way about me? If you do, then nothing has changed. The only changes will be to how we deal with it. Perhaps not talking about the future may help. It simply leaves us feeling frustrated that we can't be together right now. Although I'll take the first opportunity I get to talk to you in the next two weeks, what if that opportunity doesn't come? Will that cause you to feel different about me? The way we communicate should make no difference to the way we feel about each other. It's a mistake to place too much emphasis on one, as though our entire future depends on it. Is our love strong enough to ride out these storms? That's the only question that needs to be answered. Everything else is irrelevant.

Yes, you are strong and you are unconventional – otherwise we wouldn't be communicating. So there you have it. In a nutshell. After your volcanic experience, have your feelings for me changed in the slightest way? Yes or no. I see you avoided the salutations. Did you do so because your feelings have changed? Because you're contemplating on us just being friends? In which case, a simple, "Love, Charity," would still be in order. Sorry, it's just that I've gotten so used to seeing that. When it's missing it looks so impersonal and cold.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Saturday's perhaps the best day for you to reflect because it gets pretty hectic this end. You're right. Steeping back and taking a cool look at the situation is a wise move. And, when making your decisions, you must think only of your own happiness. If I were living over there things would be different. But I'm not, and that's why you have to do what's best for you. You are strong and I feel sure you'll make a decision that's right for you. I said before that it would be impossible for us to be friends. But I was being selfish. Whatever your decision might be, I see no reason why we shouldn't continue communicating both in writing and talking to each other.

From: Mike

To: Charity

As for the sleeping man persona, I like it. It has comedic potential. And he's posted a message on Bluejaw Dan's wall. Of course, it would confuse McNob even more if you used the sleepingman to send him messages! Note sleepingman's visitors – you're the youngest! When I was 93 I had all the teenage nymphs. Now I get a bunch of old crones – apart from you, of course. I could start a retirement home and we could all sit around bitching about our health. Like those trees. I suddenly had this great idea! I'll do another ID as a 14-year old boy who's a compulsive bed wetter! Then see what pervs I get. Yes, it appeals to me. I'm off to get that passport photo.

From: Mike

To: Charity

You realise there could be a risk. If you're willing to accept it, so am I. This is a difficult subject to broach, so I'll leave it up to you. Knowing your feelings about it. To be honest, the thought sends this warm glow through me. I just hope this doesn't mean another black text email?

From: Mike

To: Charity

Amazing! We regarded Interpals as our own personal playground and the same is happening on inkwinky. When you're there no one else exists. And when you're not there I lose interest in the thing. But I'll keep posting work on there. Who knows? It might lead to something. You know, I've never written so much in my entire career. I hardly watch television and I spend nearly all night sitting here constructing emails to you – and I love every moment of it. You're sucking me dry and when there's no juice left, why I'll just fill up again and you can repeat the process.

From: Mike

To: Charity

This is worrying! I can only assume that you've somehow wormed your way into my mind and you're now firmly lodged in my subconscious knocking down all my defences. Believe you me, the age difference was a huge embarrassment. Then, last night, as I was doing the Interpals profile, I decided the hell with it, I'll put my real age. Then, after talking to you, as I was emptying two tins of baked beans into a saucepan, (we only eat the finest cuisine), I thought about how lucky I was to have you and suddenly age seemed totally unimportant.

From: Mike

To: Charity

First you act like a cop, getting me to confess to my little white lies. Now you're busy restructuring the rest of me! You're a mind-controlling alien! The authorities must be alerted immediately!

From: Mike

To: Charity

All lathered up with her compliments? We'll discuss that. And I haven't left her any private mail. In fact, she hasn't contacted me since then. I love it when I know you're keeping tabs on me. It means you care. I keep tabs on you and that Guardian07. Can atheists get insurance for Acts of God? Has he been struck by lightning? And what's this about being locked in your winery? I thought you didn't touch alcohol. Miss Goody-Two-Shoes-I-Only-Drink-Mineral-Water. Yeah, mixed with your bourbon. And who is the goop who made a peacock out of paper clips? Sounds like this person was busy in the occupational therapy department at some State Hospital. Where do you get these people from? I must dig further...

Talk to you soon.

PS: I posted on your Interpals wall. It took me almost 5 minutes. That photo really captivates me. It's just as alluring as that hot tin roof one. Those lips look so soft and inviting. I've studied your face so much I could be a dermatologist!

From: Mike

To: Charity

I wasn't jealous about that email to Eric. It merely showed what a kind and considerate person you are. Your thought-stream about the rocks deserves to be shared. I'm perfectly satisfied with your love. The rest can be shared around. But don't get me wrong. I'm not taking your love for granted. I would never do that. There's always the possibility that you may meet someone better than me. On the other hand, with our degree of possessiveness, jealousy is bound to rear its ugly head from time to time. I was jealous of McNob. And, although I'm jealous of those other men, this is tempered with the knowledge that you have far more to be jealous about. So I would never express it. You have quite enough to deal with, without any added pressure.

The jealousy is further diluted by your love for me. The knowledge that I hold a unique place in your heart. And, when we're together and I see men cast admiring glances at you, the feeling of pride this will give me will overcome any feelings of jealousy. The pride that comes from knowing that you've given me your heart. And that it has been given so willingly and unconditionally. That they may want to smother you, but I'm the one that's doing it. And the feeling that in all probability none of them will want to smother you as completely as I do. Yes, there is jealousy. But these feelings of love and pride overcome it each time it rears its ugly, green, head.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Nice to have you on inkblot. You'll be able to keep an eye on me. That woman who made suggestive remarks is on there. And you know I'm just a randy old goat. Just completed my Facebook profile. Your idea of feeding McNob the Kid's email address was brilliant! I love it. I can't wait to see what happens.

From: Mike

To: Charity

The dates I gave you were, unfortunately, correct. They were the dates that were passed to me. I wish there was some way I could alter them. But I can't. No amount of black text will change that fact. If there's an opportunity to speak to you during this period I'll take it. If you can come up with a better solution, please let me know. As for your other point, I merely pointed out that I was watching Antiques Roadshow and then a film. That was clearly a mistake. I should have kept such information to myself. You tell me things you're doing and I wish I was there with you. You also have a life separate from mine. I accept that. I figure there's no point getting upset about it. No doubt you'll point out that I'm in a different situation. Instead of getting married when I did, I should have waited for you to come along. That was an oversight on my part and I apologise. So let's move on and resume normal service...

From: Mike

To: Charity

It has to be you. If you're going to suggest that the answer to that question is, get rid of her, I'm afraid I must disappoint you. I accepted you as you are, black text and all. Only you can end this relationship. Remember that.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Reading through that last email I could visualise you as you wrote it. A look of grim determination on your face. I've said this before and I'll keep saying it. Given the difficulties facing us, any ordinary person would have given up long ago. There is absolutely nothing ordinary about you. When I look at your photograph now I see not only a very beautiful young woman; but also a woman with a tremendous inner strength and conviction. You're a one-off. You break all the rules. You're a mass of contradictions. Outwardly, you look like an ordinary person. Inwardly you're like an alien who has landed on this planet by accident. Your mind and your lifestyle refuse to conform to society. Career, motherhood, fame and fortune...these mean little to you. You seek a different path. You're a mature adult, yet part of you retains a childlike sense of wonder at the world around you. An insatiable thirst for knowledge. And whilst at times you may seem weak, your determination reveals an unbreakable will.

From: Mike

To: Charity

More black text, eh? I was like you yesterday. I felt completely drained. I felt like someone who'd run the marathon only to come in second place. Eventually I realised second best was the only sensible option. We must both have known this from the start. But we avoided talking about it. We were too involved in each other. Reality existed for normal people. Not for us. We were artists. But reality is a hard master. She makes no exceptions. She's allowed us to fall hopelessly in love and dream our dreams. Now she presents us with the bill. If you can't do it I'll have to carry the load myself. Yours was the heaviest. Mine was merely the bulkiest. There's no point speculating on what might have happened if things were different. We need to concentrate on here and now. We need to salvage as much as we can from this mess. The only alternative is to simply wash our hands of the whole affair and walk away. There are no half measures.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Whatever I was doing today doesn't change the way we feel about each other one iota. Unless you allow it to. Envy and bitterness will eat away at you. Until it gradually poisons our relationship. Is our love strong enough to withstand this? That's the crucial question. When you ask if I'm merely a fantasy, you cheapen the love I feel for you. You have no more fight in you? You're not prepared to fight for whatever you can get out of this relationship? I don't believe that. I believe you'll say okay, if that's all I can expect then I'm going to make damn sure I get it. He owes me that much.

From: Mike

To: Charity

So, are you going to help me in this? Or will the Tin Man have to struggle on his own? For God's sake, woman! I'm no spring chicken. Let's tackle the living together idea first. I'm an incurable romantic and my heart leaped at the prospect. Then the head butted in, (what a nice turn of phrase.) This time it made sense. Because we don't live in a magical dimension, there are certain physical obstacles to overcome. One of us would need to apply for citizenship. There's lot of red tape. Where do we live? What do we live on? There would be a messy divorce. Imagine what the media would make of it. 64-year-old writer runs off with 24-year-old American? A younger guy could ride the storm – but not me. The strain would probably kill me.

From: Mike

To: Charity

This could result in a black text message, so I'll suspend any potential comedy gold till I know your reaction to this one. Your Tin Man is a belt and braces, super-cautious pessimist.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Don't worry, unlike Hemmingway and the Big Gonzo I'm not about to shoot myself. I'd probably miss anyway. I need a good night's sleep to regenerate. I can understand why you want to live with me. I was just trying to explain the problems. For a younger man it would be easier. But age is the big problem here. The choice is I could either run off to live with you or we could take every opportunity to be together. Like I said, van Gogh would have understood this situation only too well.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Your sheer tenacity continues to astound me. Lesser mortals would have given up long before now. Your black text letter sounded so final. The crucial words were missing so I had more than a sneaking suspicion that things would return to some sort of abnormality. Because, let's face it, our relationship cannot be described as normal by any standards. I think even our friend van Gogh would be lost for words.

From: Mike

To: Charity

I confess I was worried. So it was a relief discovering you still loved me. The point is nothing has changed. I'm still writing emails and we're still going to meet the first chance we get. All I've done is raised the bogey man. And his name is Old Father Time. This is no kindly looking old guy with a white beard. This is the Marquis de Sade. The subject would have surfaced at some time. I suppose I raised it because, like you, I was feeling low. So I started to reflect on the negative aspects of our relationship. It didn't help when I read in the paper that this woman had spent two years sitting on the toilet. She'd been on there so long her ass had literally taken root on the toilet seat. And her boy friend had been supplying her with food and drink. True love, right. So where did he go to take a leak or a crap? Probably the kitchen sink. No, I'm not making this up. It's true. It took him two years to figure out her behaviour wasn't normal. Maybe he thought all women took 2 years to take a crap.

From: Mike

To: Charity

Yeah, you're right. I am on something. I should have told you this before. I'm conducting this entire relationship from the Intensive Care Unit at the local hospital where I'm hooked up to a machine that breathes for me. Then there's the kidney dialysis machine. Oh, and we mustn't forget our old pal the colostomy bag. I'll have to go now because I'm flat lining again and they'll need to resuscitate me.

From: Mike

To: Charity

When I was a teenager I had this theory about photographs. Similar yours that time is trapped in them. My theory was that a photograph contained everything within that scene – even things that were hidden. For example, a photo of a fully clothed woman would not only contain her outer clothes but her underwear and under that her naked body. No, I'm not making this up. All I had to do was remove the top layer of the photo to reveal what was underneath. In other words, a photo is constructed like an onion. Are you following this? So I experimented with various chemicals until I found what I thought was the right one. It was called Brasso. This is a brass polisher. So there I was with this photo I had of the girl that lived nearby, rubbing Brasso on it to try and get down to her underwear and beneath. I know what you're thinking. Teenage boys do this all the time, right?

I was worried in case I rubbed too hard and ended up with a skeleton! So the right amount of pressure had to be applied. That was the problem. I always either applied too much pressure or used too much Brasso. Because on every photo I managed to rub the image away. And yes, I even did it on a man. But just the once. To see what it felt like. Being clever, I bought a brass ornament in case my mother enquired about the smell of Brasso in my bedroom.

I've forgotten the point of my email – oh, yeah. I was going to remind you to send that full body photo of yourself. Clothed, of course. But try not to wear too many clothes, right?

From: Mike

To: Charity

I pictured Jacob as a hillbilly. A mountain man. The face and position of the body strongly suggest there's been some inbreeding. He's not quite like that banjo playing kid in the film, "Deliverance," but he's getting there. I imagined them driving along in their Model "T" Ford...

JACOB: Hey, Ma! Stop the cah. I wanna send a photo to mah intended sweetheart in Downey. Miss Charity Assenfasser. Ah kin tell she is sweet on me.

MA: It's about time you got yourself hitched, son. But ahm wonderin,' if she's city folk will she like pig farming?

JACOB: If'n she don't, Ma, she'll soon git used to it once we're marrit. And we're gonna have a brood of kids. He's gonna be poppin' them out of her belly lak machine gun bullets.

MA: They don't come out of the stomach, Son. Yore Pa will need to tell you about the birds and the bees.

JACOB: He don't need to, Ma. Mah sweet Charity is a city gal. And those city gals do it all the time. On our honeymoon she'll show me how to do it.

MA: On the weddin' day jest remind us to clean the outhouse out for you two lovebirds.

JACOB: I shure hope she ain't a picky one, Ma.

MA: Me and your Pa had no problem consummating our marriage next to the shitbuckets. So she'll jest have to git used to it. She kin put a peg on her nose if'n the smell gits too bad. You know what happens after your Grandma eats them baked squirrels.

JACOB: Hey, Ma! Stop at that sign.

The Model "T" comes to a grinding halt and they climb out. Jacob starts taking his clothes off as Ma gets the Kodak Brownie from the back seat. Later, back at the farm they study the photograph with Pa.

PA: Jesus, son! You must have the world's smallest pecker, boy. A goddam gnat couldn't give you a blowjob. Can't you do sumtin' with that there computer and enlarge the dam thang?

MA: Ah told the boy to fiddle it to git an erection.

PA: And did he?

MA: We couldn't tell.

PA: Then yore jest gonna have to paint a pair of britches over that thing, boy. Because then city gals like a bit of extra meat on the bone.

Comments

Jacob was a troll who was pretending to be a Mountain Man from the Catskills. He reminded me of Jethro in the Beverly Hillbillies. In other words, he fitted the description of someone who was a few cards short of a full deck. This was no drawback because it meant he fitted in well with the majority of trolls. So what's Charity up to these days? I don't know. But one thing's for sure: there are plenty of other goops and sweet pumpkins on the Internet so she won't be short of lovers. Beowulf would have had a great time with her. I know I did.

THE END

Having been a published writer for over 30-years I've finally decided to go into semi-retirement. During that time I've worked mainly in comics – in fact I started working in comics when I was a child. We were that poor my parents couldn't afford to buy me any comics so I had to write and draw my own. I've also worked in TV and radio and spent two years as a gag writer submitting jokes to a number of comedians, even when they begged me not to. On top of this I've worked as a scriptwriter for animation studios and enjoyed the odd foray into gonzo journalism. Albeit without the late Hunter S. Thompson's voracious appetite for mind bending substances. (Well, let's just say I didn't take quite as many as he did).

