 
"The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes"
part 1

Copyright 2016 Eric Landa

Smashwords Edition
Smashwords Edition  
Copyright © 2016 Eric Landa. All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. This book is a work of fiction. People, places, events and situations are the product of the authors imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or historical events, is purely coincidental. This document is geared towards providing exact and reliable information in regards to the topic and issue covered. The publication is sold with the idea that the publisher is not required to render accounting, officially permitted, or otherwise, qualified services. If Advice is necessary, legal or professional, a practiced individual in the profession should be ordered. From a Declaration of Principles which was accepted and approved equally by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations. In no way is it legal to reproduce, duplicate, or transmit any part of this document in either electronic means or in printed format. Recording of this publication is strictly prohibited and any storage of this document is not allowed unless with written permission from the publisher. All rights reserved. The information provided herein is stated to be truthful and consistent, in that any liability, in terms of inattention or otherwise, by any usage or abuse of any policies, processes, or directions contained within is the solitary and utter responsibility of the recipient reader. Under no circumstances will any legal responsibility or blame be held against the publisher for any reparation, damages, or monetary loss due to the information herein, either directly or indirectly. Respective authors own all copyrights not held by the publisher. The information herein is offered for informational purposes solely, and is universal as so. The presentation of the information is without contract or any type of guarantee assurance. The trademarks that are used are without any consent, and the publication of the trademark is without permission or backing by the trademark owner. All trademarks and brands within this book are for clarifying purposes only and are the owned by the owners themselves, not affiliated with this document. The contents of this book has been compiled from all over the place but since these quote are the work of many others but myself, I will make this 'book' available as a free downloadable eBook via my website and via all major retailers. There will never be any charges for this extensive work that comes in 3 parts, all titled "The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes" parts 1, 2 & 3.
Introduction

I want to thank you and congratulate you for downloading this book "The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes" part 1. -From the A of Advice to the F of Family-

This first book contains five thousand jokes from a variety of sources from both famous and ordinary people. Hopefully they'll bring a smile to your face, a grin to your mouth and maybe sometimes make your fingers scratch your head every now and then.

Thank you for downloading this book, I hope you'll enjoy it!

Eric Landa (www.ericlanda.com)
Table of Content

0001 - 0383 Jokes on: Advice

0384 - 0418 Jokes on: Acronym

0419 - 1681 Jokes on: Animals-Insects

1682 - 1721 Jokes on: Art

1722 - 1760 Jokes on: Beauty

1761 \- 1959 Jokes on: Books

1960 - 1994 Jokes on: Calendar

1995 - 1999 Jokes on: Camping

2000 - 2110 Jokes on: Cannibals

2111 - 2405 Jokes on: Charity

2406 - 2583 Jokes on: Childish

2584 - 3312 Jokes on: Children

3313 \- 3355 Jokes on: Circus

3356 - 3515 Jokes on: Communication

3516 - 3984 Jokes on: Computers & Technology

3985 - 4100 Jokes on: Definitions

4101 \- 4135 Jokes on: Diets

4136 - 4288 Jokes on: Difference

4289 - 4312 Jokes on: Dinosaurs

4313 - 4353 Jokes on: Dreams

4354 - 4404 Jokes on: Embarrassment

4405 - 4451 Jokes on: Exercise

4452 - 5000 Jokes on: Family

#0001

I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst. Advice

#0002

"Here's a bit of Advice for you. Advi." Advice

#0003

Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you go to by hiding a tenner in your black suit today. Advice

#0004

"Give a man a fire and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life!" Advice

#0005

My father once told me, "Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you." Advice

#0006

Taking the decision to bend over and tie your shoelaces on a moving escalator injects the added thrill of a 'time limit'. Advice

#0007

"Lost your tree? Why not nail a picture of it to your dog?" Advice

#0008

"Dear Tabloid Agony Aunt, I keep seeking out Advice for serious issues from dangerously under-qualified people. What do you suggest I do?" Advice

#0009

"There's a little-known but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet." Advice

#0010

Sickipedia's motto - If you can't beat them, copy them. Advice

#0011

Call of Duty Gamers. Temporarily blind and disorientate your opponent by unexpectedly ripping open his bedroom curtains. Advice

#0012

COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it. Advice

#0013

"My boyfriend says that I never solve my own problems. How do I prove him wrong?" Advice

#0014

"I asked my teacher for Advice when taking my math exam and he said that you should always read through the paper first. That's the last time I listen to him. I was halfway through my horoscope when I heard, "Okay, pencils down."" Advice

#0015

Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one. Advice

#0016

Be the life of the party by murdering all the other guests. Advice

#0017

Don't do anything you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic. Advice

#0018

"Tip for the day: 'Harder' is not a good choice of safe word." Advice

#0019

"My mum told me I should never talk to strangers. I said, "It's alright mum, I don't know any."" Advice

#0020

A contact lens, painted black, makes an ideal skullcap for a Jewish hamster. Advice

#0021

"There are two rules for success: 1. don't tell all you know" Advice

#0022

"HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN... compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN... show up naked, bring beer." Advice

#0023

"Scientists have proven that cigarettes are harmful to the health of Children.

Fair enough, use an ashtray." Advice

#0024

"On a serious note, I am concerned with global warming and the effect it will have on our future, especially after reading an Article about low water levels in reservoirs. Well, I drive past my local reservoir every day, and each morning I empty a bucket of water from my tap while on my way to work. If all of us did the same, these reservoirs would be full in no time." Advice

#0025

Anybody else think we'll be seeing the words "Database latency too high" on Friday? Advice

#0026

"Why do women like men who are smArt, goal orientated and have a sense of humor?

Because opposites attract." Advice

#0027

"I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing." Advice

#0028

When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smArt enough to get out of jury duty. Advice

#0029

"You never realize what you've got till it's gone. Toilet paper being a good example." Advice

#0030

"I phoned the 'Rape Helpline' yesterday. They suggested I buy a balaclava." Advice

#0031

"Top Tip. London Borough Council. Putting a second 'No Ball games' sign 8 yards (7.32m) to the left of the current one will save us having to use a jumper for a goalpost." Advice

#0032

"When I'm bored I like to play a game with my dear wife whilst she is hovering. I unplug it and time how long it takes her to notice." Advice

#0033

"I just saw the advert for Compare the Market com saying that they are updating their server to cope with more people online. Sickipedia! Take Note!! Simples......." Advice

#0034

"A man walks into a Bookshop and says, "can I have a book by Shakespeare?" "Of course, Sir, which one?" "The man replies, " "William."" Advice

#0035

"What's the best thing to come out of Coventry? The A45" Advice

#0036

"Half a coconut hung from a tree makes a nutritious food for your garden birds. It also helps to keep other coconuts away from your house." Advice

#0037

"Just a little bit of Advice for any parents that are reading this. If your baby is having trouble sleeping, don't put a drop of whisky in their milk bottle. It's far more effective if you put a drop of milk in a whisky bottle. It works wonders, my son has been asleep for eight days straight now." Advice

#0038

Christmas Party Tip: Asking for a kiss under the camel toe is NEVER acceptable. Advice

#0039

"Saw an advert for this new show called "Bulging Brides" in which soon to be brides had 2 months to fit in their dress. 2 Months! Just to fit into a dress? I could tell them where to get ripped in just 4 weeks." Advice

#0040

"Top Tip: If a police officer pulls you over, do not tell him/her, "I find you very attractive...and that's not just the booze talking!"" Advice

#0041

I've got a huge tip for people with lots of rubbish. Advice

#0042

The best place to hide a body is on Page 2 of Google's search results. Advice

#0043

Goths. Save money on black nail varnish by hitting your fingernails with a claw hammer. Advice

#0044

"Leprechauns hide their gold in electrical sockets... You can check at home. Just use forks to get it out." Advice

#0045

"Whatever you do, don't drink the varnish. It'll be a sad end - but a beautiful finish." Advice

#0046

"Tip of the day: When a police officer says to you "Put your hands up." Don't say, "For Detroit."" Advice

#0047

"After getting blown by my wife, I quoted from my favorite Children's film "Babe": "That'll do, pig, that'll do."" Advice

#0048

"Woodstock; if you were really "There" you won't remember it. Apparently I was at Woodstock." Advice

#0049

Fool shop keepers into thinking you're an armed robber by wearing a balaclava, pointing a gun to their head, and asking them to empty the till. Advice

#0050

I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my Advice. Advice

#0051

"I went for a job interview. "Where would you like to see yourself in five years' time?" he asked me. I thought and said, "Suspended on full pay."" Advice

#0052

If you see someone just randomly removing their iPod headphones on the bus or the Tube, you can be pretty sure they're gauging how loud their fart is. Advice

#0053

"They always put ''For best before date: see side of pack'' on groceries. Why can't they just put the date there?" Advice

#0054

"A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?" "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. "We just love the chocolate around them."" Advice

#0055

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. Advice

#0056

"My boss once told me, "Don't dress for the job you have, but for the job you want". Which makes you wonder why he fired me for coming in dressed as a Mexican wrestler" Advice

#0057

"The veteran actor and director turned to me and said, "You know what they say, you should never work with Children or Animals." "That's an old theatre saying, isn't it?" I replied. "No, it's what the police told us when we did your CRB check."" Advice

#0058

"Need overpriced, average clothes? There's a Gap for that." Advice

#0059

People shouldn't worry about the world ending. It's already tomorrow in Australia! Advice

#0060

"So I was getting into my car and this bloke said to me, "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure... You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!"" Advice

#0061

I distinctly remember one time my parents talking to me down the phone and saying, if we throw cash away at you now, you'll never know the value of money. But I still think it would've been nice for them to pay that ransom. Advice

#0062

"Top tip: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit their brakes when they think they've been caught." Advice

#0063

When you write a joke you should always proof-read it carefully to make sure you haven't any words out. Advice

#0064

"When getting into a fight in a pub, don't concern yourself with ungentlemanly fisticuffs. First shout something innocuous at your opponent, to grab the pub's attention. Then calmly walk to the door. There, turn around and in your loudest voice yell, "At least I'm not a pedophile." The seed planted into everyone's mind will do more long-term damage than any punch could ever do." Advice

#0065

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Advice

#0066

"What's worse than a bull in a china shop? A hedgehog in a condom factory." Advice

#0067

I recently went to Birmingham with low expectations, and I left disappointed. Advice

#0068

"Top tip: When at the airport, if you get asked "Anything to declare?", it's not the best response to say "A Thumb War". Still though, their prison isn't too bad." Advice

#0069

"What have a grave yard and a beach got in common? You will have a much better time if you take a spade." Advice

#0070

Is it just me that reads a joke and looks at the score before laughing or not? Advice

#0071What do you do if your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure? Advice

#0072

If "fishing" means luring, hooking, catching, and potentially killing fish, shouldn't we investigate whenever someone says, "I'm kidding"? Advice

#0073

Never moon a werewolf. Advice

#0074

"Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad." Advice

#0075

"Never have a motto. That's my motto." Advice

#0076

Top tip: city councils save hundreds of pounds on signs warning of dangerous bends, simply tie a bunch of flowers to a nearby tree Advice

#0077

If you want to write a letter, use a pen and paper. Advice

#0078

"In the news was a story that a boy died by walking in front of a moving train. The excuse is that he was listening to his ipod loud. The Family have urged people not to listen to iPods while outside "for your own safety". Wouldn't it be more constructive if she told people to look before crossing?" Advice

#0079

"Giva a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and his wife will divorce him." Advice

#0080

"What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon." Advice

#0081

"I'm doing an environmental studies course and I need ideas on how to save trees. Answers on a postcard please." Advice

#0082

Top Tip: Avoid tears when chopping onions by using carrots instead. Advice

#0083

BUS DRIVERS. If you see an attractive woman with a low cut top at the bus stop, accelerate and come to a halt 50 feet past the stop. You will then have a great view in your nearside mirror as she runs towards you. Finally, accidentally drop her change for a second look. Advice

#0084

If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, my Advice, hit it with a ship. I've seen people do that, it works! Advice

#0085

I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my Advice. Advice

#0086

"'Don't shoot the messenger.' Do postmen count? I'm going to need a quick answer on this." Advice

#0087

"O.A.P drivers. The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as "Fifth Gear". This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph." Advice

#0088

"If you leave a dog in a car on a hot day without water or ventilation, it could be dead in 15 minutes. However, I've discovered that if I put the heating on as well, I can get it down to about five." Advice

#0089

Fool people into thinking you are an octopus by drinking several liters of ink and farting every time someone startles you. Advice

#0090

Am I the only one getting annoyed with all these jokes that relate directly to Sickipedia that become so popular? These jokes don't work in the real world. Try telling a joke about data latency being too high after an awesome pedophile joke to all your friends at the pub. Your friends will hate you and you'll be lonely and you'll kill yourself. Let's get back to the actual sick jokes, people. Advice

#0091

"The best thing for baldness? Hair." Advice

#0092

WINDOW CLEANERS. When agreeing a price with Dr Who to clean the windows of the Tardis, don't be conned into agreeing to do the insides for the same price. Advice

#0093

Never trust a plumber who wears wellies. Advice

#0094

"Land Line users: Save 1 a month on "caller display" by simply answering the phone and asking who it is." Advice

#0095

National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support... Advice

#0096

All I am saying is that I think the freezer deserves a light as well......... Advice

#0097

Never wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes. Advice

#0098

Whoever said, ' Laughter is the best medicine. 'Never had gonorrhea. Advice

#0099

"They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm still not tempted to dig the wife up and it's been 8 months." Advice

#0100

"My mates warned me against going home with an Afro-Caribbean hairdresser last night. Woke up this morning and I've got braids." Advice

#0101

I am not useless; I can always serve as a bad example. Advice

#0102

"Attention ladies. If the recycle bin on your boyfriend's computer is always empty, he's up to no good." Advice

#0103

Giraffes look down on people like you Advice

#0104

"Top Tip #87 Freezing worms makes them easier to sharpen." Advice

#0105

Manufacturers of Deluxe 'Once'. I think the word you're looking for is 'twice'. Advice

#0106

Top tip: Save money on expensive cremation costs by purposely dying in a house fire. Advice

#0107

You can't choose your Family ...but you can ignore their phone calls. Advice

#0108

"My mate recently became a black belt in judo. I said, "That's all very well but, really, how often are you going to be attacked by a man in a dressing-gown?"" Advice

#0109

"I saw a scruffy looking young man sat on the street this morning behind a card that read: "Help the Homeless" So I gave him the number of an estate agent I know." Advice

#0110

"Mosh pit. Well concealed Taser. Hours of endless entertainment." Advice

#0111

"My girlfriend just asked me how we were supposed to stop her dog from drinking the toilet water when I keep leaving the seat up. I told her to put it down." Advice

#0112

Save money on expensive pet carriers. If you need to take your cat to the vets, simply tie its tail to one of its back legs to make an excellent carry handle. Advice

#0113

""Beware: Peanuts may cause small Children to choke" What kind of society do we live in where murder tips are advertised on the back of peanut wrappers?!" Advice

#0114

"You know what they say, so I won't tell you." Advice

#0115

"'Hope you're hungry' A kind gesture in Britain; A cruel taunt in Sudan." Advice

#0116

"Whispering can make almost anything sound creepier. Example: "I love little kids."" Advice

#0117

"I work in a bar called Advice. I get really good tips." Advice

#0118

It was good Advice when someone told me I'd never meet the woman of my Dreams at a bar. The women in my Dreams aren't old enough to get in. Advice

#0119

Here's a useful shopping tip - You can get a pair of shoes for 1 in the bowling alley. Advice

#0120

Trying to be funny is like trying to force a fart - it never turns out quite as you expect and you'll likely have to leave the room. Advice

#0121

"Top tip: If you have a paranoid friend and they leave their mobile lying around, pick it up and add little reminders like "I'm watching you" and "You're not alone" to random dates. Epic lots!" Advice

#0122

Give a man a fish and you've fed him for a day. But teach a man to wear a fishnet stocking for a mask and hold up a bank and you've taken care of him for life, one way or another. Advice

#0123

"Amuse yourself when filling in application forms. When it asks "Are you registered blind or partially-sighted?" tick slightly outside the box that says "No"." Advice

#0124

UK GOVERNMENT. Reduce the amount of underage pregnancies in Britain by simply lowering the age of consent. Advice

#0125

"The only thing more boring than watching paint dry... listening to paint dry." Advice

#0126

"Ladies, you can't be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn't work that way. You're already hard to want." Advice

#0127

"Top Tip: Go down the pub so you don't feel guilty watching your wife do all the housework." Advice

#0128

A day without sunshine is like, well, night. Advice

#0129

"Marriage tip: When your wife comments that eating a dessert after dinner will make her fat, don't add the "term". Trust me." Advice

#0130

"My old Dad always said, "Lift with your legs". I find it easier to use my arms." Advice

#0131

"It is estimated that it has cost the British taxpayer 2.3 million to pay for the Pope's visit. They obviously never heard of Ryan air, return tickets from Rome start at 48." Advice

#0132

Take my Advice: I don't use it anyway. Advice

#0133

Word of Advice for those people who make jokes about Walkers crisp bags having very few crisps in them. Don't bother buying a Ryan air sick bag - they turn out to be even more disappointing. Advice

#0134

Marathon runners cover over 26 miles in two hours, train for years and when they finish cannot breath and are bent double with pain. I, on the other hand, can spend the 2 hours in the pub drinking and smoking, yet walk out as right as rain. Therefore running is obviously bad for you. Advice

#0135

If I had a pound for every time I lost a pound, I would be no better off. Advice

#0136

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error. Advice

#0137

"Top Tip: Tired of cramped conditions on air flights? To get a whole row to yourself, simply stare at your shoes and say, "Come on!"" Advice

#0138

If alcohol isn't the answer, then obviously the wrong question is being asked. Advice

#0139

GET the N-DUBZ experience by smashing yourself in the ear with a hammer. Advice

#0140

"They need to open a nightclub called "The Office" So men don't need to lie to their girl where they are anymore." Advice

#0141

"Don't drink and drive... Do all you're drinking before you drive!" Advice

#0142

"My mate gave me some really good Advice on how to pick up women today. "You have to flip her over so she's face down, then you put your arm under her stomach and lift," he said." Advice

#0143

Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much. Advice

#0144

"TOP TIP Impress your mates and save yourself extortionate contract fees... ... just add the sentence, 'Sent from my iPhone' to all your emails and texts." Advice

#0145

Vicars - Bowling hedgehogs in the church grounds is an ideal way to clear confetti after a wedding. Advice

#0146

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. Advice

#0147

My dad always said ' be good and if you can't be good, be careful'. Wise words from the man who knocked up a fat minger. Advice

#0148

A tip for Midgets: Appear taller by snacking on fun-size Mars bars and speaking very quietly, thus giving the impression that you are merely a long way away. Advice

#0149

Top tip: add thousands to the value of your house by making wallpaper out of twenty quid notes. Advice

#0150

"Men; would you like to last longer in bed? Then get your wife to bring breakfast to you." Advice

#0151

"I need help committing suicide. Does anyone have some experience?" Advice

#0152

"I'm in a long distance relationship and I find it great. Wife in the kitchen and me at the pub." Advice

#0153

"I've been trying to teach my son the importance of honesty. Today when I came home I discovered that he had found my nail gun and destroyed my entire vinyl collection. I went up to his room and asked him if he knew who did it. "It was me, dad." He replied. "Good son, and do you know why I'm not going to punish you?" "Because I'm still holding your nail gun."" Advice

#0154

"Wii Fit, Number 1 way to let your girlfriend know she's FAT!" Advice

#0155

"Tip of the day: Don't bother trying to get a taxi during a mosque service, you're only wasting your time." Advice

#0156

"Headline in the sun 'NIGHT STALKER ATTACKED ME WHEN I WAS IN LABOUR' Advice to all women out there vote conservative" Advice

#0157

When in ASDA buying grapes, take one grape to the "serve yourself" till. When it is weighed it won't register on the scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure a hundred times or so, and hey, presto! You have yourself a free bunch of grapes. Advice

#0158

Old people. Attach a sweeping brush to the front of your mobility trolley. Now, instead of being a menace on the pavements, you can provide a valuable service to your community. Advice

#0159

Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation Advice

#0160

Hospitals. Increase the revenue from on-site car parking by selling off the cars left by dead patients. Advice

#0161

Fool your friends into thinking you always have flash lemon in your toilet by not flushing urine away. Advice

#0162

"Unemployed People. A blank post-it note stuck on the fridge door will be a useful reminder that you have nothing to do today." Advice

#0163

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman sentenced to beheading by guillotine. This Englishman was brought out first and as the blade fell towards his neck it got stuck. Tradition was that if this happened then they had to let him free so the Englishman was saved. Next they brought the Scotsman out and as the blade fell towards his neck the same thing happened so they had to let him free as well. As the Irishman is being brought he is kicking and screaming and making a terrible fuss. One of that guards says to him "What's the matter with you." The Irishman replies, "I'm not going near that thing until you get it fixed!" Advice

#0164

"Tip to all Africans: If you want to buy a cheap plastic product buy a condom. It will stop Aids and also stop our ears bleeding." Advice

#0165

"What's the definition of gross? Dreaming you're eating cottage cheese and waking up with your grandmother sitting on your face." Advice

#0166

Contact lens wearers.... Keep your eyes snug and warm this winter by adding a few drops of chili sauce to your cleaning solution. Advice

#0167

Can anyone give me a rough idea how much I would have to pay for a ball park? Advice

#0168

"My mate reckons he could eat a whole blanket, personally I think he's full of sheet." Advice

#0169

"Don't just wait for your grandparents to die so you can claim their inheritance. Earn it! Visit them. Make conversation. Put a smile on their faces. Leave a window open." Advice

#0170

"I don't think I was listening when my mam told me how to use a cotton bud properly. It went in one ear and out the other." Advice

#0171

I've come up with a great way to come up with money. Find yourself a blonde girl and say "I bet you 10 that I can sing a song with anybody's name in it, you can choose the name". At which point she'll agree and choose a name. You'll then sing "Happy Birthday" with whichever name she's chosen, you can do this as many times as you want. Advice

#0172

Advice to poor People/Council House tenants -disguise the fact that your property needs expensive external cladding work by covering the whole of your house with St George's Flags Advice

#0173

Roadside accidents; a great place to pick up that last-minute anniversary gift. Advice

#0174

After failing university, I had no money and no job. My father advised "there's money in Computers!" turns out there wasn't. Also i need to replace two of his Computers. Advice

#0175

"Mum: Be careful me: Thank God, before you said that i was just going to be recklessly dangerous." Advice

#0176

Women: save money on anti-ageing products by dying young. Advice

#0177

To survive in water, you don't have to be good at swimming, you just have to be bad at drowning. Advice

#0178

Tip of the day: Never high-five a Muppet whilst wearing a Velcro glove. Advice

#0179

"Join the US Army. You will get 20 bucks for every kill in combat. Or 50 bucks for killing an enemy." Advice

#0180

Bus drivers, make your own under-budget version of Takeshi's castle by moving the disabled seats upstairs. Advice

#0181

Convince others you are full of great ideas by sell taping a light bulb to the top of your head Advice

#0182

A neighbor's car aerial, when carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. Advice

#0183

The irony of you telling me to "get a life" is that I'll probably take yours... Advice

#0184

Inflatable sheep... For people so ugly, they can't pull an inflatable doll. Advice

#0185

"Tip: When your pupil's parent asks you why you wanted to be a teacher don't reply "I'm a pedophile"" Advice

#0186

We all enter the world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop right there. Advice

#0187

"Women. Avoid parking discrepancies by aiming to park all wonky. There is a good chance you will end up perfectly straight and within the lines. You're welcome." Advice

#0188

"How to write a successful joke: For a joke to be successful, one must consider the various discourses of humour, especially pertaining to the various genres of comedy that exist. One must also consider the various synonyms of the vocabulary used in the joke and the intended meaning of the word (versus the normal usage of the word in a non-joke context). We use Hilling's formula to calculate the efficacy of the word play (C = 1/x * R(4e)). We must then take into account the use of current affairs, using Smith's algorithm (1>2>3>4>X<4<3<2<1). Finally, it is essential that we consider the intended target. Failing that, just write something about black people being lazy." Advice

#0189

Why spend three quid on a packet of bog roll when you can get a copy of The Sun for 25p? Advice

#0190

Whenever a child asks me why God let so many people die in a disaster, I tell them it's because they distracted him by praying for a puppy. Advice

#0191

Never get on one knee for a girl that won't get on two for you. Advice

#0192

"LEA & PERRINS- Save on printing costs of bottle labels by moving your Worcestershire sauce factory to Kent." Advice

#0193

"What do you call a fish with four eyes? Fish." Advice

#0194

"A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "How much would it be to ask you three questions?" The attorney answered, "$500." "Holy cow!" the man replied, "That's a bit steep, isn't it?" "No." said the attorney. "What's your third question?"" Advice

#0195

When reading a book, always underline the bits you don't understand. That way, if you ever lend it to someone, they'll think you're really clever. Advice

#0196

Gin, an excellent medicine for being sober Advice

#0197

Some say your Children teach the most important lessons. Mine taught me to use a condom in future Advice

#0198

"I don't think 'Smoking Kills' should be exclusive to cigarette packets. I've yet to see a kipper survive it either." Advice

#0199

Statistics are like a lamppost to a drunken man. More for leaning on than illumination. Advice

#0200

Keep Britain Tidy, eat a pigeon. Advice

#0201

"TOP TIP FOR DWARFS make sure you never have enough money to buy things. It will amuse us when you tell them this at the till." Advice

#0202

Make shopping in Curry's more fun by changing the channel on the TVs to Sky Channel 912. Advice

#0203

I have always considered it bad practice to begin and end your sentences with I. Advice

#0204

"INVESTMENT TIP If you purchased 1,000 of Bradford & Bingley ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of HBOS, ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 87 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Northern Rock ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Merrill Lynch ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Royal Bank of Scotland, ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 76 left today; If you purchased 1,000 worth of canned beer two years ago, drank all the beer and sold the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have 188 left today; Based on this example, my investment tip is: (i) Avoid bank shares (ii) Drink canned beer heavily and (iii) Sell the cans for recycling" Advice

#0205

"Tried to impress my wife this morning by putting all the plates in the dishwasher before she came home. Apparently, we don't have a dishwasher. Another washing machine ruined..." Advice

#0206

"Teenage boys. The waistband of your boxer shorts makes an ideal hiding place to conceal any unwanted hard-ons." Advice

#0207

Pedophiles: Make your naughty activities less obvious to vigilant mothers by not dressing up as a train spotter. Advice

#0208

"Taxi Drivers: Remove the bulbs from your indicators in case you momentarily forget what you do for a living and inadvertently signal." Advice

#0209

"My Dad's suggestion to fight fire with fire turned out to be very bad Advice indeed. I guess I should have learnt not to trust him after the incident where I used paper to defend myself from rocks." Advice

#0210

DOG LOVERS. Reduce your chances of going blind by only buying black or brown Labradors. Advice

#0211

"I have broken my leg 3 times in the same place now. I should probably stay away from there in future." Advice

#0212

"Top Tip for London tourists: Save money on the London planetarium by simply going out at night and looking up." Advice

#0213

Fool people into thinking you are going to make a funny joke, then don't. Advice

#0214

""Keep your trap shut!" my dad always said. I resent him for that. So does my greyhound." Advice

#0215

"Help stop copyright theft. Wear your jam rag t-shirt inside out." Advice

#0216

"Top Tip: Doing radiotherapy? Tell the doctor to give you twice the normal dose so it doubles your chances of becoming a superhero." Advice

#0217

Muslim leaders: in between the call to prayer at the mosque why not shout out the latest savings at ASDA? Advice

#0218

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. Advice

#0219

Would-be criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye. Advice

#0220

"Extremists Do you want to blow yourself up for a good cause and get hundreds of virgins?

I suggest Comic Con" Advice

#0221

"Helpful hint #1 When arranging to meet a girl from the internet, who "spreads 'em easily".... Make sure she doesn't mean diseases." Advice

#0222

There are certain mistakes in life that you only make once. Like visiting the loo straight after your wife to find red toilet water and the stench of rotting fish guts. Advice

#0223

"When someone sees you crying, and asks: "Are you sad?" Punch them in the face, and ask: "Are you okay?"" Advice

#0224

When life gives you oil spills, make Molotov's. Advice

#0225

I've learnt the awkward way, if your girlfriend's mother asks "Would you do me a favour?" - ALWAYS wait until she has said "a favour" before eagerly nodding and saying yes. Advice

#0226

Looking through husbands CD collection: John Lennon, Michael Hutchinson, and Kurt Cobain. All died violent deaths. Hope he buys new Coldplay CD. Advice

#0227

Never put your finger where you wouldn't put your nose. Advice

#0228

I always wanted to be a rock star when I was a young child....I got the excessive drinking right, but unfortunately forgot about the main things, learning an instrument and writing songs. Advice

#0229

"Top tip; never attempt to operate a chainsaw whilst fairly drunk. There's a good chance you'll end up legless." Advice

#0230

"Never milk a joke. Unless it's a cow joke." Advice

#0231

"I love to read those Advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "What's the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?" "Morning Sickness."" Advice

#0232

"My Dad would always give me good Advice. Like, "scream and I'll kill your sister."" Advice

#0233

Top Tip: if you can hear the police banging on your door to complain about the noise then it clearly isn't loud enough.... Advice

#0234

Uh.. If you have a good joke, wait till the site is running normally so we can actually vote it up? Don't waste it you gimps. Advice

#0235

"If there's one thing I've learnt in life... It's keep the Hemorrhoid cream and the Deep Heat rub well apart in the bathroom cabinet." Advice

#0236

Man Utd fans. Clear your club's 80 Million losses by simply setting up a stall where you can be punched for 1 pound. Advice

#0237

Benefits: Making natural selection obsolete since 1992. Advice

#0238

"If something's worth having... It's not on eBay." Advice

#0239

"I clean my house with Clearasil. The place is always spotless." Advice

#0240

One good turn will get you...................most of the blankets Advice

#0241

Drivers: When you see those 'accident black spot' signs you should speed up. You don't want to hang about in dangerous places. Advice

#0242

Best way of avoiding being clamped? Buy four clamps and put one on each wheel. Advice

#0243

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said? Advice

#0244

"I heard, that in a survival situation if there is no water available, you can drink your own urine. So I always take a two liter bottle of it wherever I go just in case." Advice

#0245

Next time someone says "You owe me big time", arrange for DHL to send them a 5 foot clock to their house. That should shut them up. Advice

#0246

Fool guests into thinking all your picture frames are digital by changing the picture yourself every 15 seconds. Advice

#0247

"Whenever you're shot in the chest, lie on the side you were hit. That way only one lung will fill with blood." Advice

#0248

Commuters, make the bus come quicker by standing by the corner looking for it coming down the road, then running back to the bus stop. Advice

#0249

Top tip: Africans, lessen your hardship by living somewhere where things will actually grow, and preferably not 20 miles from the nearest water. Advice

#0250

"I was getting money out of the ATM earlier and it asked me if I wanted an 'Advice slip' with my cash, so I hit yes.... Out came a note saying 'stop using the benefit system to fund your crack habit'" Advice

#0251

"Why do we have to wear seatbelts on planes? Has there ever been a time when an air crash investigator has viewed a plane crash scene and said, if only they were wearing seatbelts." Advice

#0252

End of the world in 2012? Just immigrate to Romania. They are 100 years behind.... Advice

#0253

Please note: adding several exclamation marks to the end of your "joke" does NOT actually make it funny. Advice

#0254

"Men. Avoid wasting time drying your hands under the drier in pub toilets by simply calling your wife fat and holding your wet hands in front of her mouth." Advice

#0255

Have a hot neighbor? Buy a trampoline, looks like innocent fun. Advice

#0256

Fool burglars in to thinking you are home simply by leaving your door unlocked. Advice

#0257

I always leave everything to the last possible minute, then it only takes a minute Advice

#0258

"I don't get most of the jokes on here recently and you English can't even spell properly it's remotely you idiots. America.-------------------------- Please a) take note of the following grammatical and structural corrections: "I DON'T get most of the jokes THAT HAVE BEEN POSTED on here recently and you English CAN'T even spell properly: IT'S 'REMOTELY' you idiots." b) note the definition of irony before you bother posting again. England" Advice

#0259

Guys, fool your mates into thinking you have a girlfriend by moving the toilet roll to under your bed, instead of leaving it at your computer desk. Advice

#0260

Currants impaled on toothpicks, displayed in your window, serve as a warning to would-be house flies. Advice

#0261

"How do u get a whole lamb in the freezer? Take your wife out first" Advice

#0262

"BBC News: Texas death row killer forgiven by victim. Yeah? Who told him? Whoopee Goldberg??" Advice

#0263

"Top Tip: In an argument. Before opening a can of worms, make sure it's not spaghetti. That way you'll save yourself looking ridiculous in a tense situation." Advice

#0264

"Tip: Don't tell the people in your office your Sickipedia username. I did and now this black guy who sits opposite me is giving me right evils." Advice

#0265

"'...The next time the Postal workers go on strike, here's a simple solution to get them back to work: Pay their salary, but send the cheque by mail...SORTED!'" Advice

#0266

"For people who suffer from a sweaty face in the hot season... You can spray regular deodorant on your face to help reduce the problem. Just make sure you keep your eyes open so you can see where you are spraying it." Advice

#0267

Excuse me if I sound rude, but if your greatest achievement in the world of work has been getting a job as a careers advisor, then the very last thing I would ever want from you is Advice on my career. Advice

#0268

"My mates say I'm too submissive. They're probably right." Advice

#0269

"I believe you should always try things once. Which is why I'm addicted to Crystal Meth" Advice

#0270

"My old man always told me to fight my corner. That was good Advice, but my boxing career was short lived." Advice

#0271

"Good idea: giving your newborn baby a bath bad idea: having your newborn baby dry-cleaned" Advice

#0272

"My Principle of life: If a girl throws a stone at you, throw a flower back, BUT MAKE SURE the flower is still in the pot" Advice

#0273

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts Advice

#0274

"If you put a frog into a pan tepid water and slowly heat it up, the frog will boil to death. But if you put a frog into already boiling water it will jump out. Moral of the story? Put a lid on the pan." Advice

#0275

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too surprised. Advice

#0276

"Fed up of ironing? Try using anti-wrinkle cream instead of fabric softener." Advice

#0277

If you are unlucky enough to accidentally trip over in the street, keep repeating the process to make it look like it is what you usually do Advice

#0278

"How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper." Advice

#0279

"What's the point of Advice slips at cashpoints? All they say is "You haven't got any money." Advice would be for them to say "Look, mate, I know you're skin, but my brother has just won a few bob on the dArts; I expect he'd lend you some money till pay day if you give him a bell."" Advice

#0280

"Muller Yoghurt eaters: Save a fortune by buying your yoghurts ready mixed." Advice

#0281

"Girls. Save money on sanitary towels. Buy cheap ones then drink a can of Red Bull." Advice

#0282

"What's the quickest way to look slim and fit? Befriend fat people." Advice

#0283

"I once knew a guy that couldn't stand up. We called him Neil." Advice

#0284

Don't you just hate when there is a clown at your bed at 3am because you didn't send on a chain message Advice

#0285

Are you illiterate? Write to me for help. Advice

#0286

Time is never wasted if you're wasted all the time. Advice

#0287

"I'll always remember the last words my father said before he accidently shot himself. "Safety first, Safe..."" Advice

#0288

If someone throws a rock at you, your defense shouldn't be a sheet of paper. Advice

#0289

When people say I care too much about what other people think, I reply tearfully "Do you really think that?" Advice

#0290

"Let's face it... Maybe you won't get ripped in 3 weeks. However, you might grow a beard, change race and facial shape, so the ad is worth a look." Advice

#0291

Before you accuse your boyfriend of cheating on you remember that empty lollipop wrappers look like condom wrappers. Advice

#0292

"I asked a wise old man what the secret was to 'eternal life'. He said "Don't die"" Advice

#0293

The RAF. Test trainee pilots' reaction times by getting them to try to put exactly 10 worth of petrol in their car. Advice

#0294

Journalists for local TV stations. Fool viewers into thinking you have been sent abroad by waiting a few seconds before answering questions the presenter asks you Advice

#0295

"Here's a piece of Advice for you. If you're sitting there in your house with 300 worth of marijuana, and the police are knocking at the door, there is one thing you should definitely not do... Try to burn the evidence." Advice

#0296

"BBC News: Taking showers 'can make you ill' Hitler - 70 years before his time." Advice

#0297

A Post-it Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers. Advice

#0298

"I've finally realized why Americans kill every joke on here. Because they've killed everything else." Advice

#0299

Pretend you are going on a fabulous holiday to Barbados by going to Heathrow and sleeping on the floor. Advice

#0300

"Can't get approval for a savings account? Simply move in with a Tourette's sufferer, introduce a swear box and watch your investment grow." Advice

#0301

"While the optimist's gas tank is half full, and the pessimist's half empty,... they'll both run out of gas at the exact same spot." Advice

#0302

Go into your local Charity shop, share a story, shed a tear and then see the look on their face when you tell them you're not really the secret millionaire. Advice

#0303

"Breakthrough tooth whitening treatment that doesn't cost the earth. Paint your face black." Advice

#0304"

Top Tip for alcoholics. Drink as much as you like on long haul flights and don't worry about being over the limit when you drive home from the airport - the time Difference will have taken care of that." Advice

#0305

I was once told to live everyday as if it were my last, but getting depressed, curling up in bed and waiting to die just really doesn't appeal to me. Advice

#0306

"I've had vinyl flooring laid throughout the house. It has a warmth that CD flooring can't match." Advice

#0307

"I was standing at the bus stop with my mate and with this old lady last night waiting for the bus to arrive. Suddenly, the old dear caught the hiccups. She tried her best to ignore it, but i could see it in her eyes that she found them annoying and quite painful for her age. My mate remembered some Advice about how to cure hiccups and told me "gently tap her on the back, a little jump might cure them." Thinking a brief tap might not do the trick, i pushed her onto the road as the bus came. That stopped her hiccups." Advice

#0308

"I got an Advice slip from the cash machine today, It read 'Don't re-heat chicken once it's cooked'" Advice

#0309

WIG WEARERS. Don't waste money on new wigs. Simply turn your old ones round for the 'boy band' look Advice

#0310

Morning glory just isn't the same without a smile on the end of it... so make yourself useful mum. Advice

#0311

Pubs. Save money on hand driers by just hanging up a pair of jeans. Advice

#0312

"How do you know when you've had too much? When you run out." Advice

#0313

Women: Save money on mascara, eyeliner, and other expensive eye make-up by simply forgetting to put Mayonnaise in my sandwich. Advice

#0314

Special occasion today so you know what that means, CLEAN BOXERS! Advice

#0315

"To all those failing businesses out there who say, "I can't afford to advertise because I've not got enough work in."- That's like saying, "I can't afford to get this terminal brain tumor removed because I'm saving up for a holiday in 3 years."" Advice

#0316

"What do you call a man with no arms or legs? A cab, so he can get home." Advice

#0317

"I just realized flammable and inflammable mean the same thing. That's interesting." Advice

#0318

Scouters, Get your day off to a cracking start by adding a couple of shots of active to your vodka Advice

#0319

There's a very easy way to avoid body odor. Don't get the tube. Advice

#0320

Sharing is caring. Unless you have aids. Advice

#0321

Walkers. Sell more crisps in Arabic countries by introducing a new Sultan Sheikh range. Advice

#0322

"What do you call a fat chick with a great personality..? A barrel of laughs." Advice

#0323

When everyone is against you, it means you are absolutely wrong - or absolutely right. Advice

#0324

Fill your tires with water instead of air so if you get a puncture you can trace back to the hazard and warn other motorists. Advice

#0325

"Best piece of Advice I've ever been given for delivering talks? Visualize your audience naked. It certainly helped with the half-time team talk for the Under 10s football team I coach." Advice

#0326

Yes frank I know there's a darker side to drugs it's called the dealers! Advice

#0327

Claustrophobics need to get out more.... Advice

#0328

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot. Advice

#0329

Scare hotel staff by riding a tricycle through the corridors and talking backwards to your finger. Advice

#0330

The heel of a gentlemen's' shoe makes an ideal door for a mouse hole. Advice

#0331

"Take my Advice........ Don't listen to strangers." Advice

#0332

Someone at work told me I was stupid for not getting out of my seat before putting on my jacket, and I thought "I'm not going to stand for that" Advice

#0333

The good thing about having a ginger kid is you don't have to beat him up yourself. Advice

#0334

"BBC News: Pressure mounts to phase out IE6 I never liked that postcode anyway." Advice

#0335

"I gave my son some valuable Advice today. I told him "Put your money where your mouth is." Little spastic choked to death on a tenner." Advice

#0336

"My father always said to me, 'if you build it, they will come'. That's why I now own my own strip club." Advice

#0337

"There are two types of people in the world: 1) those who can deduce complete facts from incomplete data" Advice

#0338

I remember when I was younger, I was confused about girls so I approached my dad and I said to him "Dad, how should I treat women?" My dad's answer has enlightened the rest of my life. "To their face or behind their back?" Thanks, dad. Advice

#0339

A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. Advice

#0340

By grabbing hold of a Charity letter and twisting it sideways, it is possible to remove the free pen without opening it and subjecting yourself to all that guilt. Advice

#0341

A wise woman once said, only joking there are no wise women. Advice

#0342

Lesson in Life: Hold Your Head High, But Your Middle Finger Higher. Advice

#0343

"So the wife left me today.. I guess replying " just go out without your makeup on" when she asked what was the cheapest way for her to dress up as a zombie for Halloween wasn't such a great idea" Advice

#0344

"I forgot to clean my teeth this morning. My boss told me to eat a packet of mince, but it just made things worse." Advice

#0345

If I lived every day like it was my last, I'd probably spend the rest of my life depressed that I was going to die the following day. Advice

#0346

"My wife phoned me at work today. "On your way home, can you call at the shop and get me some Tamp ax?" "I take it it's started again then." I sighed. I hate having to put up with her nosebleeds." Advice

#0347

"Wife asked me for a cup of tea earlier.. I poured her out a cup of boiling water. She said "How about a teabag love" So i gave her one." Advice

#0348

"I like to watch what I eat. Then eat it." Advice

#0349

When giving blood always remember to say "When" Advice

#0350

Parents. Avoid scarring your Children when watching violent movies by blindfolding them and locking them in a cupboard. Advice

#0351

Don't discard your old Banana skins, they make ideal sun hats for starfish. Advice

#0352

"I couldn't quite see what the sign said, so I stood up. It said "Keep your head down"." Advice

#0353

Steal from pessimists, they'll never bother with the police. Advice

#0354

Before you let a motivational poster motivate you, ask yourself, "If it's so good, why are these people making posters instead of climbing mountains?" Advice

#0355

"Practical Joke: When you're at work and bored out of your mind, try this: Write a note to your boss saying that a Miss Hughes phoned and needs them to ring her back ASAP. Then scroll the number for either the local Dolcis, Barratts or Clarks down and watch their face when they look like a tool ringing the number." Advice

#0356

I'll always remember the day my teacher asked me 'Didn't your Mother teach you not to play with fire?' No, I replied, never really knew my Mother, she was killed in a chip pan fire in 1994. Advice

#0357

Avoid wear and tear on your Children's teeth by instead of giving those boiled sweets, give them frozen Brussels sprouts to suck..... Advice

#0358

I beat the Credit crunch by using cash. Advice

#0359

When shopping for my wife, should I go through a pimp or use Russian mail order? Advice

#0360

"TOP TIP Save 40 pence per week by just giving 60p to a big issue vendor instead of buying the magazine." Advice

#0361

Policemen: Fool everyone into thinking you're not a racist by badly dancing a calypso at the Nothing Hill carnival, whilst grinning inanely. Advice

#0362

"The New Audi R8 Spider... because your bald patch isn't quite getting the attention it deserves" Advice

#0363

"I just watched an advert which said "no one knows P&O cruises like Thomas Cook" I don't want to be pedantic but surely P&O know better!" Advice

#0364

"Leave yourself a note beside your toothpaste for when you are drunk. "Not astronaut food"." Advice

#0365

If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it. Advice

#0366

"Never get into a fight with someone who has a large tattoo on their neck. Do they look the kind of person who has anything to lose?" Advice

#0367

"What's more fun than a Fun Size candy bar? A regular sized candy bar." Advice

#0368

Replace your front door with a backless wardrobe filled with large coats this winter to recreate the magic of Narnia every time you leave your house. Advice

#0369

"If your mother-in-law dies just remember - the gathering that takes place after the burial is called 'the wake.' Not 'the after party.'" Advice

#0370

Whenever you feel down just do what i do, scratch a scratch card near a homeless guy and then go nuts shouting you've won ten grand, once you see the look on their face you'll instantly feel good again. Advice

#0371

My friends recommended to me that I join Apathetic Anonymous to remedy my depression, but I'm just not bothered. Advice

#0372

"Use only as directed." Really? I'm taking pills, not performing on Broadway. Advice

#0373

Some people say love makes the world go round, others say its money, I say it's the suns gravitational attraction. Advice

#0374

"Putting petrol into a diesel car is like pouring Gin into a woman. You're guaranteed at some point in the night, she's going to breakdown." Advice

#0375

"Just heard that announcement in the airport not to leave your luggage with anyone you don't trust. bit late now I left my luggage with the McCann's an hour ago and have not seen it since" Advice

#0376

Sometimes it's very hard to handle my schizophrenia all alone.. WHO SAID THAT Advice

#0377

"Have you ever felt like you've had a sudden loss of hearing? Repeating the same thing over & over again and getting nowhere? Does your temper escalate furiously? Then you've dialed 118 118." Advice

#0378

"Tip for staying safe in the underground: All the safety videos/posters show a man recklessly running with a briefcase, tripping up. Answer: Don't carry a briefcase around." Advice

#0379

"You want to win an argument? Accuse somebody of always contradicting you." Advice

#0380

"Temple run, only realistic if you spend ten thousand and buy the black guy." Advice

#0381

My son told me he's been getting bullied at school. In preparation of dealing with the situation, he came to me for Advice. "Son", I said. "The only thing I can say to you is look before you leap. Poor planning could leave you in a lot of pain. You need to land head-first for certainty." Advice

#0382

"When you go abroad you should be careful of muggers, rapists and murderers also don't drink the dirty water. But as soon as you get out of the UK you should be fine." Advice

#0383

About 90 percent of people on my Facebook account seem to have a mirror fetish, so I write everything backwards so they can read it. Advice

#0384

BING - Because It's Not Google. Acronym

#0385

"My kid asked me what a priest was the other day. So I explained.... Pedophile Resident In Every Small Town" acronym

#0386

"My son came over to me and asked, "Dad, how do you spell diarrhea?" I replied, "I don't know son, but Doesn't It Always Run Really Horribly over Each Ankle!"" acronym

#0387

"If England thought their group was England Algeria Slovenia Yanks ...Then they might as well pack their Brazil Argentina Germany Spain." Acronym

#0388

"I went to an AA meeting last night. The shops were closed and I needed some batteries." Acronym

#0389

"What does WTC stand for? What Trade Centre." Acronym

#0390

"COD It's no coincidence it's an acronym for Cause of Divorce." Acronym

#0391

"When someone next says to you "See You Next Tuesday" ie C.U.N.T. acronym which is quite offensive - Reply "Tuesday, Wednesday And Thursday" ie T.W.A.T. acronym! You'll have the last laugh!" acronym

#0392

"Step one: Buy a sheep. Step two: Name it "Relation". Now you have a relation sheep." Acronym

#0393

Does Sri Lanka have a Prime Minister and, if so, is he the PMSL? Acronym

#0394

I'm thinking of setting up an Acronym Hate Group. Or AHG for short. Acronym

#0395

I was going to learn which pedal was which for my driving exam, but I CBA. Acronym

#0396

"I've been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA. I'm not making a lot of progress." Acronym

#0397

"Anyone else in the UK noticed the new Tango slogan...Tango With Added Tango Now look at the left column of letters..." acronym

#0398

"Hi, I am part of the A.H.S. except we call it the Abbreviation Hating Society." Acronym

#0399

"POV, BDSM, DP, BBW, BDWC. I'm so glad my wife can't break codes." Acronym

#0400

"Teacher: "Lana, can you spell you name backwards please?" Student: "yes sir" Teacher: "do you?"" acronym

#0401

"I love going to my bedroom, stripping off and having a night in playing with my DS.

Sounds better than saying disabled son." Acronym

#0402

M.M.O.R.P.G - Many Men Online Role Playing as Girls. Acronym

#0403

"Obama really should have thought his next campaign through a little bit more, The War Against

Terrorism" acronym

#0404

"R.A.P.E.: Rough Asphyxiation People Enjoy." Acronym

#0405

"'I've got a new job with the World Health Organization.' 'Who?' 'That's the one.'" Acronym

#0406

When decorators are waiting for their paint to dry, how do they describe how boring it is? Acronym

#0407

"BRB. I'm not really going anywhere but neither is this conversation." Acronym

#0408

"What do you call a color blind butcher? Graham" acronym

#0409

So glad the saying 'YOLO' came out, I was thinking we got a second shot at this thing! Acronym

#0410

"Just got back from the annual atheist beach party weekend, it was crazy. Oh the things I saw, I was like O.M. ." acronym

#0411

FIFA: Financial Incentives from Applicants. Acronym

#0412

arggh! Can't think of a catchy name for my freshly-made lemonade stall. FML acronym

#0413

Wish I could play piano better, but cab, are the only 3 keys I've been bothered to learn so far. Acronym

#0414

"Taking the Sun's England Algeria Slovenia Yanks formula. How about the tournament of love for the final four? Holland Uruguay Germany Spain Alternatively, the tournament of hate. Germany Uruguay Netherlands Spain Either way, it ends in pain!" acronym

#0415

YOLO; You Obviously Lack Originality. Acronym

#0416

Raking leaves half-way through autumn is like wiping half-way through a dump. Acronym

#0417

"What we say, and what we actually mean. Lol = I didn't smile but I do appreciate the humor of the event in question. Rofl = I smiled a tiny bit, and I also made a strange noise from my nose. Lmao = I smiled, and made that strange noise again, this time in a higher pitch. Omgroflmao = I actually laughed." Acronym

#0418

"Does anyone know what the acronym g2g means? Every time I ask someone they just make an excuse to leave." Acronym

#0419

"A single gene that is dramatically different in chimpanzees and humans may explain why apes cannot talk. Oh well, at least they can still communicate through rap music." Animals-Insects

#0420

"What do you get if you cross a motorway with a flock of sheep?

A flock of dead sheep." Animals-Insects

#0421

"A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?" Animals-Insects

#0422

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time. Animals-Insects

#0423

Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realized that you weren't that hungry after all? Animals-Insects

#0424

"My dog always barks when there's someone at the door. I don't know why, as it's never anyone for him." Animals-Insects

#0425

"I bought a new book today called "How to end your pet's life with dignity" Even after I'd read it, I just couldn't put it down." Animals-Insects

#0426

"I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying." Animals-Insects

#0427

Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web. Animals-Insects

#0428

90% of dogs in Korea are inbred... like in a sandwich or something. Animals-Insects

#0429

"Now, how's he going to read that magazine all rolled up like that...?" thought the spider. Animals-Insects

#0430

"In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well I Lad die I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!" The fisherman says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended." The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?" "Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!" "Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Let's take them on down the wharf and see if it's true." So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water. The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, "How about whistling?" The fisherman says "What For?" The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the Lobsters" The fisherman says, " What Lobsters?"" Animals-Insects

#0431

"What has four legs and one arm? A Doberman in a playground." Animals-Insects

#0432

"My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador. It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind." Animals-Insects

#0433

My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort. Animals-Insects

#0434

"Some you attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat. I was really impressed at how well he'd trained It." Animals-Insects

#0435

"I saw a sign recently that said, "Dogs Die in Hot Cars." This Advice saved me 80 in vet bills when I had to get my Alsatian put down." Animals-Insects

#0436

""How depressing, it's so cold and grey," said the wife. "Well, it is January," I replied... then I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room." Animals-Insects

#0437

"A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "Can you have a look at him," he says, "I think he's cross-eyed". So the vet picks up the dog and examines him. "I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet. "Why, just because he's cross eyed?" "No," says the vet, "because he's heavy!"" Animals-Insects

#0438

"Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy." Animals-Insects

#0439

"I just bought a goldfish, but unfortunately it's epileptic. The weird thing is as long as I leave it in the bowl, its fine. The second I take it out to play fetch, it has a seizure." Animals-Insects

#0440

"People say dolphins are the most intelligent mammals other than humans, and I'm starting to believe it's true. Within a week of being in captivity, they can train someone to stand by their pool and give them a fish." Animals-Insects

#0441

I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo and got mauled. And people were talking about how there should have been better defenses put up to prevent people getting into the cage.. A friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent. For example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in. Animals-Insects

#0442

I've just bought that new Lynx deodorant - breadcrumb edition. The birds can't get enough of me! Animals-Insects

#0443

"You got to feel sorry for bees. How unlucky can you get? Black AND Ginger." Animals-Insects

#0444

"I wrote a book on penguins. With hindsight, I realize that paper would have been easier." Animals-Insects

#0445

Who would have thought... Tiger's a Cheetah. Animals-Insects

#0446

"I'm fed up of people challenging my ethics and saying I don't do enough to better the world. Even my coat is recycled... ...it used to be a leopard." Animals-Insects

#0447

"What's the Difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroo? One's a kangaroo and one's a Geordie stuck in a lift." Animals-Insects

#0448

"I've bought myself a chinchilla. That should keep my face nice and cool in this warm weather." Animals-Insects

#0449

"I drove my daughter's guinea pig to the vet's this morning. I'm quite handy with my new Callaway golf clubs." Animals-Insects

#0450

"The WWF advert asks, "When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?" Well, swimming, I suppose." Animals-Insects

#0451

"How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. But how did they get in there?" Animals-Insects

#0452

"I bought a race horse and decided to call it "MY FACE". Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting "COME ON MY FACE"!!" Animals-Insects

#0453

I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent, now he'll never have any friends. Animals-Insects

#0454

"A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."" Animals-Insects

#0455

"People often say that I overuse non sequitur in my humor. To get to the other side." Animals-Insects

#0456

When you catch a fish and put it back, do you reckon it goes back to its mates and says it was abducted by aliens? Animals-Insects

#0457

"Cigarettes are just like weasels. Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and try to set fire to them..." Animals-Insects

#0458

"9 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas. I know, I pulled them off my cat and it's never been the same since." Animals-Insects

#0459

"A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever >> sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."" Animals-Insects

#0460

"A dog walks into a bar. The barman says, "Excuse me, but whose dog is this? The sign outside clearly says NO DOGS ALLOWED" The dog says, "Well, I'm not just any dog you know."

The barman says, "So what makes you so special?"" Animals-Insects

#0461

For Sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have just bought metal detector. Animals-Insects

#0462

"I decided to get my nephew a puppy for his birthday. As a surprise I decided to put it in a box, wrap it & put a bow on top to disguise the actual gift. Top tip: make sure the dog isn't inside when putting air holes in the box with a screw driver. My nephew was over the moon with his new remote control car." Animals-Insects

#0463

Hedgehogs: Why can't they share the hedge? Animals-Insects

#0464

The Erectus Trouserius (also known as the trouser snake) is the world's most dangerous snake. Color varies, from pink to black. It is fang-less, average length is 5 to 9 inches depending on subspecies. Usually appears in bedrooms but found in unusual places at times. Attacks women in lower part of the abdominal area. It's highly venomous spit can cause prolonged swelling lasting 9 months. It has also been known to attack men from behind. Animals-Insects

#0465

""Pets at Home - Where Pets Come First" We'll see about that" Animals-Insects

#0466

How is it that the people in the Churchill advert are completely OK with a talking dog, yet when this talking dog starts making wild claims they suddenly become all cynical? Animals-Insects

#0467

"My dog is a blacksmith. Every time I open the front door he makes a bolt for it." Animals-Insects

#0468

If moths like light so much, why don't they just come out during the day? Animals-Insects

#0469

The Korean Canine Society has launched its festive campaign. The slogan is "A dog is not just for Christmas. It should do for Boxing Day as well." Animals-Insects

#0470

My dog kept getting up in the middle of the night and setting the house alarm off. My wife told me to disable it, so I broke its legs with a golf club. Animals-Insects

#0471

I've always wanted to swim with dolphins - but they keep dying on the bus on the way to the swimming baths. Animals-Insects

#0472

"Accidentally ran over and killed the neighbor's cat this morning.

With a chainsaw." Animals-Insects

#0473

My dog is worried about the economy. Dog food is up to $3.00 per can. That's $21.00 in dog money! Animals-Insects

#0474

"What lies on the ground 100ft in the air? A dead Centipede." Animals-Insects

#0475

"Scientists have discovered that some fish have pedophile tendencies. Specifically, the ones that swim outside the school." Animals-Insects

#0476

"I saw a flock of baby flamingo chicks being really naughty today. I think the parents need to put their foot down." Animals-Insects

#0477

Is the Isle of Dogs the Isle of Man's best friend? Animals-Insects

#0478

"Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm." Animals-Insects

#0479

"I've just been offered eight legs of venison for 50.Is that too dear?" Animals-Insects

#0480

"Sometimes, I really hate myself. But that's just life when you're a racist chameleon." Animals-Insects

#0481

It's ironic that I can't seem to find anywhere to insure my pet Market. Animals-Insects

#0482

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dogs they are adopted? Animals-Insects

#0483

"I took my son's goldfish to the vet today but it died just before we got there. I knew I should have put some air holes in the cardboard box." Animals-Insects

#0484

"Went to the zoo yesterday. The meerkats didn't look impressed when I asked them about car insurance. Guess they hear it all the time." Animals-Insects

#0485

Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician. Animals-Insects

#0486

"I'm having some problems with my new Staffordshire bull terrier - I rang the vet for some Advice. I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason. The vet replied, "Muzzle 'im?" "No," I said, "I think he's an atheist."" Animals-Insects

#0487

"A feller was sitting on a park bench eating his lunch when an old lady with a poodle walked up. The dog was pestering the guy for some food, so he asks the old lady, "Is it ok if I throw him a bit?" She says, "Sure, go ahead." The feller grabbed the dog by the neck and chucked it over the hedge." Animals-Insects

#0488

"What's got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog." Animals-Insects

#0489

"A guy came into my shop wanting 10 bees to make his own honey. I put them in a jar, and he said, "There are 11 in here mate." I said, "I know, one's a freebie"" Animals-Insects

#0490

"I threw a hedgehog at a dArtboard once... Scored 3480." Animals-Insects

#0491

"A dog goes into a telegram office and asks to send a message. "I want it to say 'woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof'" The man says, "You have paid 10 and only used 14 words. You can add another one at no extra charge." The dog says, "But then it wouldn't make any sense."" Animals-Insects

#0492

"The hedgehog made his way down to the riverbank and very slowly walked into the water. As it got deeper, he soldiered on, gasping for breath. Suddenly he disappeared under and was only just able to get back to the bank. After resting for 10 minutes, the hedgehog tried again, after going under twice more he managed to get back to dry land before collapsing. This time it took him longer to recover but once he felt fit enough he started back into the water. Two ducks were watching from the other side of the bank and one said to the other, "Come on George, don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"" Animals-Insects

#0493

"A British aquarium claims to have the world's first vegetarian shark. Either that or they're playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner." Animals-Insects

#0494

"It was a very sad day when I took my cat to the vet. The vet looked at me and said, "I'm afraid your cat won't last long, it's the big C..." "What? Cancer?" I replied. "No," he answered, "curiosity."" Animals-Insects

#0495

"I wanted to start a business grooming dogs. It's not doing too well at the moment though. Not enough dogs have MSN." Animals-Insects

#0496

"What did the blind, deaf and dumb girl call her dog? Eeeuuuurrrrhhhh!!" Animals-Insects

#0497

"I was told today by the council that my dog had to be neutered. There is no way that I can afford to do this at a vet... ...So I dyed him ginger." Animals-Insects

#0498

"We had to say goodbye to our German shepherd yesterday. Auf wiedersehen, pet." Animals-Insects

#0499

Snakes. They're like bits of rope, only angrier. Animals-Insects

#0500

"What do you call a gorilla named Geoff? Geoff." Animals-Insects

#0501

Leotard.... A lion with downs syndrome Animals-Insects

#0502

"My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work. I almost choked on my banana" Animals-Insects

#0503

"I broke into a pet shop today and stole a rabbit. Then I made a run for It." Animals-Insects

#0504

"People say that marijuana is good for you because it's natural, but they don't realize that just because it's natural doesn't mean its safe. Want to know what else is natural?

Bears." Animals-Insects

#0505

""Have you got any kittens going cheap?" asked a customer in a pet shop. "No, sir," replied the owner. "All our kittens go 'Meow'."" Animals-Insects

#0506

"The dog was sitting next to his owner at the movies. He was barking excitedly and wagging his tail every time the hero was on screen, and growling ferociously every time the villain appeared. The man sitting behind them, totally fascinated by what he sees, taps the owner on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me that dog is extraordinary. I've never seen anything like it before." "I'm surprised too," says the dog's owner. "He hated the book."" Animals-Insects

#0507

I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it. Animals-Insects

#0508

Crouching tiger hidden hydrant. Animals-Insects

#0509

"How do you make a walrus commit suicide? Point at its chest and say "What's that?"" Animals-Insects

#0510

"The bee. Nature's very own suicide bomber." Animals-Insects

#0511

If your pet iguana is sick, do you have a reptile dysfunction? Animals-Insects

#0512

"Did you know... An iguana can stay underwater for 28 minutes. Or longer... If you don't mind it dying" Animals-Insects

#0513

"It looks like we've got a new postman. He just laughed when he came through the gate that has a sign "Beware of the Cat". Must be his first time delivering to Safari World." Animals-Insects

#0514

"The Unforgettable Elephant Story In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. we're standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant." Animals-Insects

#0515

"Has anyone in the Brighton area lost a small black and white kitten? Because I've just run it over." Animals-Insects

#0516

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought - he's trying to pull a fast one Animals-Insects

#0517

My new budgie started to tweet this morning, strange I thought, because I'm not sure how he managed to turn on my laptop. Animals-Insects

#0518

I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realize that it would be largely pointless. Animals-Insects

#0519

"Looking late at night for the lost Family dog is a bit like mine and my wife's marriage. We both know it's dead, but we keep trying for the kids." Animals-Insects

#0520

"What did the dad buffalo say when he left his son? Bison." Animals-Insects

#0521

"What's the biggest draw back in the Jungle? An elephant's foreskin!" Animals-Insects

#0522

"A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barman says, "Why the long face?" Observing closely from the other side of the bar, I realized my LSD addiction had gone too far." Animals-Insects

#0523

"Our dog gave birth today. It had a litter of eight puppies. My wife said they were so cute she could just eat them up. But was she grateful when I cooked one?!" Animals-Insects

#0524

"After accidentally eating a fly, in the vein of the nursery rhyme, I ate a spider, a bird, a cat, a dog, a goat, a cow and a horse. Or, as it's more commonly known, a kebab." Animals-Insects

#0525

"It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things. Like wild dogs." Animals-Insects

#0526

Spice up your hamster's boring life by hiding a bowl of Ready Brek under the sawdust and placing a sign saying "Danger, Quicksand" Animals-Insects

#0527

"My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat. My mate told me that they are really expensive, so I've bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together." Animals-Insects

#0528

I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. Animals-Insects

#0529

"What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? Shut down by the RSPCA." Animals-Insects

#0530

"What do you use a wombat for? Playing wom." Animals-Insects

#0531

"What's grey and comes in pints? An elephant." Animals-Insects

#0532

"What Orchestra instruments do Meerkats play? Cymbals." Animals-Insects

#0533

"What do a short-sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common? They both have wet noses." Animals-Insects

#0534

"Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "what are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "that's because he's inside your cat."" Animals-Insects

#0535

"What did the slug say to the snail? "Big issue, sir?"" Animals-Insects

#0536

"I felt terrible about killing a wild bear with a knife and a shovel. However I've learned that when one of them approaches your Children you have to be willing to strike hard and fast. I also learned that Koalas aren't great fighters." Animals-Insects

#0537

"I fancy a nice bit of rabbit for my tea tonight. Could any of you tell me whether it's cheaper from a butchers or a pet shop?" Animals-Insects

#0538

"My girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat..." Animals-Insects

#0539

"Unicorns do exist. Only they're fat, grey and we call them rhinos." Animals-Insects

#0540

I've named my dog "Cash Reward"' so if it ever goes missing and I put up posters people will look for him, but I won't have to pay up when he's found. Animals-Insects

#0541

"An old farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable. His wife says to him, "why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back". The farmer does this, but after two weeks the dog is still missing. "What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife. "Here boy," said the farmer." Animals-Insects

#0542

"What do elephants and grapes have in common? They both have trunks, except for the grapes." Animals-Insects

#0543

"My neighbor has just walked past with two dogs. I said, "I didn't know you had any dogs." She said, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters." I said, "Your sisters are very ugly."" Animals-Insects

#0544

"Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got It." Animals-Insects

#0545

""Eat your dinner," I said to my young son. "I don't want to!" he replied, pushing his plate away. "Look, I know you're upset about the death of your dog," I began, "but as long as you avoid the fur, he's actually quite delicious."" Animals-Insects

#0546

"My daughter's guinea pig committed suicide today. I was driving home from the vet's deliberating whether we could justify the 80 the vet wanted to perform an operation, when, inexplicably, it leapt right out of the car window." Animals-Insects

#0547

"A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies" he responded. "Oh. Killing any?" she asked. "Yes, three males and two Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?" He replied, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."" Animals-Insects

#0548

"When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself." Animals-Insects

#0549

"I've just dropped my cat in an ice cream maker. Who wants a McFluffy?" Animals-Insects

#0550

"If monkeys are related to humans... How come you never see them at weddings?" Animals-Insects

#0551

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're very good at it! Animals-Insects

#0552

"When I was little, I thought that being a vet would be the greatest job in the world. But then I got older and found out that it's actually a lot more work than just putting down cats all day." Animals-Insects

#0553

"I took my 6 year old son to the zoo last week. We were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden he yells, Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant! I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. What did you call it? I asked. It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture! he said, ... and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant." Animals-Insects

#0554

"Two lions walking down a supermarket aisle. One turns to the other and says, "Quiet in here today, isn't it?"" Animals-Insects

#0555

"What's Black and White and eats like a horse? A zebra." Animals-Insects

#0556

"For anybody who's scared of this wind, just imagine how those poor little spiders must be feeling. And for anybody scared of spiders, they can now fly." Animals-Insects

#0557

"They say that when you cut a worm in two one end will wriggle. Not if you cut it length ways." Animals-Insects

#0558

"My dog just loves chasing cars, he howls and barks and jumps around with joy. It's funny though, he just walks off when he hears anything else by Snow Patrol." Animals-Insects

#0559

"I was bearing down on the keeper with the ball at my feet, he came out shouting and waving his arms, evidently trying to put me off. He was unsuccessful, I rounded him and unleashed a ferocious shot.. And completely smashed his beehive to bits." Animals-Insects

#0560

"My next door neighbor keeps racing pigeons... but the pigeons always win." Animals-Insects

#0561

"The male gypsy moth can smell the female gypsy moth from a distance of 7 miles. The above sentence is also true if you remove the word "moth"." Animals-Insects

#0562

"What is the brown stuff between Elephant's toes? Slow Natives." Animals-Insects

#0563

"I threw my cat into a swimming pool filled with milk. He did a few laps." Animals-Insects

#0564

"A rich Barnsley lad wants to commemorate his well-loved dog, who has just died, by making a gold statue of it, so he pops off to his local jeweler. He says to the jeweler, "Can thee make me a gold statue o' me dog?" The jeweller replies, "Certainly, sir. Would you like it 18 carat?" To which the Barnsley lad says, "No, daft lad, I want it chewing a bone!"" Animals-Insects

#0565

"I looked after my gran's place while she was away. She came back today and rang me up: "Why the cat in the birdcage is and where is the budgie?" I said, "Technically speaking gran, the budgie's still in the cage."" Animals-Insects

#0566

"What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick knife!" Animals-Insects

#0567

"I've got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant." Animals-Insects

#0568

""Goldfish have a memory that only lasts for five seconds." If Google Chrome had that, I'd still be in a relationship." Animals-Insects

#0569

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers Animals-Insects

#0570

"Apparently, Penguins mate for life. Course they do... It's not like they're going to find a more attractive Penguin." Animals-Insects

#0571

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig Animals-Insects

#0572

"What do you call a bears with no ears? B" Animals-Insects

#0573

I seem to be seeing a lot of people out walking Staffordshire Bull Terriers at the moment, especially round Council Estates and the like. I'll be honest, I really don't like them. They are ugly, muscular, vicious, and unintelligent and seem liable to attack you for no reason. Their dogs, on the other hand, I quite like. Animals-Insects

#0574

"Woman goes into a butcher's... "I'd like an oxtail please". "Certainly", replies the butcher, "Once there was an ox..."" Animals-Insects

#0575

"I rang the zoo earlier today and got the fax machine by mistake. Either that or the Dolphins are a lot smArter than we think." Animals-Insects

#0576

"A frogs perspective on life; Time's fun when you're having flies." Animals-Insects

#0577

"I found a little lost puppy this morning down my road. Luckily he had his address written on his collar, so I knew straight away where to send the ransom note." Animals-Insects

#0578

"The sign on the door said "Guide dogs welcome". As I entered the shop, a Labrador greeted me, thanked me for shopping with them and took my coat." Animals-Insects

#0579

"My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife. She told me that the guilty party was the Family dog. I found it staggering." Animals-Insects

#0580

Originally, God wanted wasps to pollinate flowers but that didn't work so he resorted to Plan Bee Animals-Insects

#0581

"I have just come back from a short break in Korea.. Let me tell you their "Slush Puppies" are nothing like ours." Animals-Insects

#0582

"I know my goldfish loves it when I take him out of his bowl. He wags his tail a lot." Animals-Insects

#0583

"A snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself. Or to put it another way, sometimes scientists get bored." Animals-Insects

#0584

"My 100ft snake died today. So long..." Animals-Insects

#0585

"I must have the smArtest dog in the world. I once asked him what 7 times 7 minus 49 was - he said nothing." Animals-Insects

#0586

"A Giraffe. The result of upper cutting a horse." Animals-Insects

#0587

"I saw a sign in a restaurant "chicken dinner 50p." I went in and ordered one and the waiter brought me a plate of bird seed." Animals-Insects

#0588

Do you think that Pandas know that they are Chinese and are taking the one baby rule a bit seriously? Animals-Insects

#0589

"Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few Animals that can make its own custard." Animals-Insects

#0590

My girlfriend lets me into the zoo after it's closed for the day. She's definitely a keeper. Animals-Insects

#0591

"What's the fastest animal alive? An Ethiopian chicken." Animals-Insects

#0592

"I tried to teach my dog how to fetch. He just doesn't get it." Animals-Insects

#0593

"I named my new rabbit Floppy. He has Erectile Dysfunction." Animals-Insects

#0594

"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in the microwave until it`s Bill Withers!" Animals-Insects

#0595

I've always been amazed by the Dolly the Sheep story. It's amazing to know we've managed to make a clone of a sheep. Just imagine that, a field full of sheep that all look the same. Animals-Insects

#0596

"I was listening to music in my bedroom when my dog walked in on me practicing the robot.

He's actually getting pretty good at it." Animals-Insects

#0597

"I was playing the piano when an elephant walked in. He started crying his eyes out! I said, "oh, you recognize the tune?" The elephant said, "no, I recognize the ivory."" Animals-Insects

#0598

"I love watching Animals eating on the Internet. I'm watching a live feed now." Animals-Insects

#0599

"I had a psychic chicken. It was always crossing over to the other side." Animals-Insects

#0600

"When was the last time a boxer became champion and then sat in the ring? Crufts 1964." Animals-Insects

#0601

"Two dragons go into a pub. The first says, "It's hot in here isn't it?" The other replies, "Shut your mouth."" Animals-Insects

#0602

Imagine the difficulty and discomfort a giraffe gets when trying to throw up. Animals-Insects

#0603

"What came first, the chicken or the egg? ...Neither. No-one came until the rooster did." Animals-Insects

#0604

"Cash my gold returned my package with a note attached saying they had forwarded my details to the RSPCA. Apparently goldfish weren't what they were after." Animals-Insects

#0605

"I saw a sign on the A1 today that read, " CAUTION - HORSE DRAWN VEHICLES AHEAD". I was just impressed that they could hold a pencil." Animals-Insects

#0606

"Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: "I was Artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," replies Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"" Animals-Insects

#0607

""Can you do an impression of a parrot?" asked my mate. "Can you do an impression of a parrot?" I replied." Animals-Insects

#0608

"I've just moved into my new flat and there isn't any room to swing a cat. So I kicked it to death." Animals-Insects

#0609

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Animals-Insects

#0610

"I've just been given the sack from the pet shop. We've got far too many kittens again." Animals-Insects

#0611

"A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"? "I'm out of petrol." The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank"? The bee answered, "BP."" Animals-Insects

#0612

"A man walks into a bar and asks the bArtender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bArtender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bArtender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bArtender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bArtender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."" Animals-Insects

#0613

"An eight-year-old boy went into a shop and picked out a large box of washing powder. The shopkeeper asked him if he had a lot of washing to do. "Oh, no," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the shopkeeper. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the washing powder to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some sweets. The shopkeeper asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The shopkeeper said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the washing powder that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"" Animals-Insects

#0614

"I thought it was cute to name my dog 'trouble', but I keep getting beaten up whenever I lose him." Animals-Insects

#0615

"Why did the kitten cross the road? Because my football's got a puncture." Animals-Insects

#0616

"I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."" Animals-Insects

#0617

"What's purple and falls out of trees? A monkey's miscarriage." Animals-Insects

#0618

"Two blokes are arguing about which of their dogs is smArter. The first bloke says, "My dog is so clever, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around, then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me." The second man says, "I know." "How do you know?" asks the first bloke. "My dog told me." says the second man." Animals-Insects

#0619

"My girlfriend's cat died today. It was really hard trying to explain to her how he died... ...and even harder to explain why I ate him afterwards." Animals-Insects

#0620

"One day, a farmer woke up to find that all 100 of his cows had died. Without his cows, he is ruined. So he goes to the nearby lake, and drowns himself. The oldest brother wakes up, reads the note left by his father, and decides that life isn't worth living. So he goes to the lake to drown himself as well. There is a mermaid there. She tells the boy that if he can screw her 5 times, she will resurrect his father, and the cows. Anyway, the boy tries his best, but only can do it 3 times. So, she kills him. The second oldest brother goes to the lake to drown himself, and the mermaid is there. She says that if he screws her 10 times in a row, she will resurrect his father, brother, and cows. He tries his best, but only can get it up 8 times. The youngest brother then goes to the lake. The mermaid tells him that he must do it with her 20 times. He looks at her, bemused, and then says "What about 100 times? Or 200?" The mermaid goes "Err, you think that you can handle it?" And he replies "Sure! How do you think all the cows died???"" Animals-Insects

#0621

"Two parrots on a perch. One turns to the other and says, "Can you smell fish?"" Animals-Insects

#0622

"I phoned my wife at work. "We're out of rabbit food. What shall I give them?" "Give them some carrots," she said, "and make sure you skin them first." I called back an hour later.

"They're not eating the carrots. In fact, they're not doing much at all." "That's odd," she said, "I know," I said. "Now, what shall I do with all this fur?"" Animals-Insects

#0623

"If carrots are meant to be good for your eyes, then why there are so many dead rabbits on our roads?" Animals-Insects

#0624

"I accidentally ran over a cat today. It was okay but its tail had fallen off. Luckily I took it to Tesco, Britain's biggest retailer." Animals-Insects

#0625

"A guy takes his dog to the vet. When the vet has checked the dog, he says to the guy "Say 'aah' please, sir." The guy asks "Why do you want ME to say 'aah'?" The vet replies "Because your dog's dead."" Animals-Insects

#0626

"There was a cow on the loose in the neighborhood yesterday. Can't have been mine, she was ironing all day." Animals-Insects

#0627

"Not everyone hates Muslims. Mosquitos find them very attractive." Animals-Insects

#0628

"I've just been into my local pet shop. I said, "How much is that doggy in the window?" "The one with the waggly tail?" the owner replied, laughing. "No, the one with three legs. I've only got twenty quid," I replied." Animals-Insects

#0629

"I asked the chemist, "What's best for nasty insect bites?" "Probably mosquitos," he replied." Animals-Insects

#0630

"What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards? Receding hairline." Animals-Insects

#0631

"Remember a tortoise is for life. So once he's died, hollow him out and use him as an ashtray." Animals-Insects

#0632

"I recently went out on a date with a dolphin. We just clicked..." Animals-Insects

#0633

"My dog's got synesthesia. How does he smell? Purple." Animals-Insects

#0634

"I saw a monkey playing the drums today. Baboon tsh!" Animals-Insects

#0635

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot." Animals-Insects

#0636

"A little old lady takes her dead cats to a taxidermist to be stuffed. "Would you like them mounted?" Asked the taxidermist. "Oooo no...."says the lady, "just snuggled up next to each other."" Animals-Insects

#0637

Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to. Animals-Insects

#0638

I went into an internet chat room for people who like Animals last night. I was pretending to be a horse. I got chatting to a really nice guy, but after about half an hour I realized he was grooming me. Animals-Insects

#0639

"Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic? To get away from America" Animals-Insects

#0640

"I was riding a horse yesterday and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it. All the other kids on the carousel started screaming." Animals-Insects

#0641

""Sponsor a Dog for Life by sending just two pounds a month, and your dog will write to you" says the advert. If the dog's literate, can't it earn its own money with some sort of administrative job?" Animals-Insects

#0642

"Someone just called my mate an ape. I took offense because he's my prime mate." Animals-Insects

#0643

"I recently tried to save a dog from drowning whilst on holiday in China... ...but I burnt my hand on the saucepan." Animals-Insects

#0644

"My Son came home crying and told me that the old bloke next door had burst his football with a knife because he was sick of it ending up in his garden. "Don't worry, Son." I said, "We'll do the same to him next time something of his is in our garden." "What do you mean Dad?" He asked. "You'll see." I replied with a wink. "Now put this bowl of cat food outside."" Animals-Insects

#0645

"Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom." Animals-Insects

#0646

I bought a new dog yesterday. I've named him Rolex.......he's a watchdog Animals-Insects

#0647

"What's the Difference between a fish and a mountain goat? One mucks about in fountains..." Animals-Insects

#0648

"Peperami, it's a bit of an animal. I've no idea which animal though, or which bit." Animals-Insects

#0649

Snip...Sniiiip. Hmmm. Nope, seems that cats look better WITH ears... Animals-Insects

#0650

"How do you make a cat flap? Throw it off a cliff." Animals-Insects

#0651

I have a dog with no legs. We call it "Cigarette", because you have to take it outside for a drag. Animals-Insects

#0652

"Some people wish their pets could talk. I don't. They might tell." Animals-Insects

#0653

"What do you get if you cross a lion and a tiger? Mauled" Animals-Insects

#0654

"albert Gordon posted: My Father said that he is so fed up of all my pets, the next one I get he is going to drown. I'm seriously considering getting a shark.--------------------------I'd get a pet toaster." Animals-Insects

#0655

"A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid." Animals-Insects

#0656

"Why didn't the Chicken cross the road? He saw what happened to the Zebra." Animals-Insects

#0657

"What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through something so small?"" Animals-Insects

#0658

Pandas are the least racist animal. They're black, white and Asian. Animals-Insects

#0659

'Animals Do the Funniest Things' sent my video back with a note asking me to seek help. Animals-Insects

#0660

I've got a dog called Curiosity. Animals-Insects

#0661

"We're what you might call the average Family. There's me, the wife, and 2.4 kids. We used to have 3 kids... ...then we got the Pit bull..." Animals-Insects

#0662

"My little girl came in crying her eyes out. "Daddy! Daddy! Fluffy is lying still in his hutch. I think he may be dead." So I went to have a look. Sure enough he was. "Daddy, why is his Willie sticking out?" I now regret quipping, "I guess old rabbits die hard." The bawling sounds like it could go on all day." Animals-Insects

#0663

In the pursuit of scientific answers, Animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They're still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything. Animals-Insects

#0664

I tried water polo once and my horse drowned. Animals-Insects

#0665

I had a pet spider when I was younger. I discovered that when I shouted 'LEFT' he went left, and when I shouted 'RIGHT' he went right, and when I pulled his legs off. . . . he went deaf. Animals-Insects

#0666

"What did one lesbian frog say to the other? By God, we DO taste like chicken!!!" Animals-Insects

#0667

I finally managed to teach my dog to beg. Last night he came home with fifty pounds. Animals-Insects

#0668

"I've just met a deer who could write with both his left and right hooves. He said he was ambidextrous." Animals-Insects

#0669

"I and a few friends went out for a meal the other week, we all decided we would try the duck...

I always seem to get stuck with the bill." Animals-Insects

#0670

"I saw my mate Dan the other day and he'd bought himself a dog -- a great Dane. I said "What's with the pooch, mate?" He said "Research shows that people who own dogs live ten years longer". I had to laugh when it dragged him under a bus!" Animals-Insects

#0671

"I put a zebra through the scanner at Tesco's. Cost me 400." Animals-Insects

#0672

"Rottweiler for sale. Very fond of people. Reluctant to let go." Animals-Insects

#0673

"I shouted abuse at some cows and all I got back were blank stares. So I yelled, "You herd!"" Animals-Insects

#0674

"How do you make a bear cross? Nail two of them together." Animals-Insects

#0675

"You know what gets my goat? El chupacabra" Animals-Insects

#0676

"What's the Difference between a cow and a hamster? A cow survives branding." Animals-Insects

#0677

"Has anyone seen the new Shaun the Sheep DVD Shaun the Sheep Goes to Wales RATED 18" Animals-Insects

#0678

I decided to start my own business caring for pets left behind when their owners go on holiday when I saw how much a friend of mine had made after starting his Cattery. I don't know much about cats, but I know how to look after bugs. I haven't had much business though. Maybe it's the sign on the front of the building... Animals-Insects

#0679

"In the countryside, a guy's car gets stuck in a muddy rut. Fortunately, a farmer is just walking his strong-looking shire horse past. "Don't worry, there," says the farmer, hitching the horse to the car. "Soon have you out." Then he calls out to the horse "Pull, Dobbin!" But the horse doesn't budge, so he tells it "Pull, Barney!" Still no response, so he says "Pull, Harry!" and this time, the horse gives an almighty tug and the car comes free. "That's great, thanks very much," says the driver, and then asks "Couldn't you remember his name or something?" "No, it's just that Harry's blind," says the farmer. "He wouldn't bother trying if he thought he was the only one pulling."" Animals-Insects

#0680

A bit of Advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes. Animals-Insects

#0681

"What animal mauls you, then starts to cry? A bipolar bear." Animals-Insects

#0682

"I think these animal rights protesters have double standards. Why do they only throw red paint over posh women in mink? If they feel so strongly about people wearing coats made from dead Animals then why aren't they down the local bikers pub splattering everyone in Deluxe?" Animals-Insects

#0683

"A dog's New Year's Resolution: I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his hand!" Animals-Insects

#0684

"What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? Polar Bear" Animals-Insects

#0685

If dolphins were as smArt as people say, they'd stop hanging around with tuna fish. Animals-Insects

#0686

"I was walking along the beach today, when I stopped to throw pebbles in the sea. The wife will go mad, she loved that dog." Animals-Insects

#0687

If you want to know how many bees Noah had... check the Ark Hives Animals-Insects

#0688

Police reported earlier today that a cattle truck had tipped on its side, killing the driver and all 100 cattle on board. The Family of the driver announced there will be a memorial service to commemorate the driver, followed by an all-you-can-eat barbecue. Animals-Insects

#0689

"A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: HELP WANTED-Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."" Animals-Insects

#0690

"I went for skills rather than looks when I picked my new dog I got an ex-police drug-sniffer dog. I'll tell you what, he comes in handy at parties." Animals-Insects

#0691

I've named my dog Madness. When people come round I introduce him by saying "This is Madness!", my flat mate then jumps out and screams "THIS IS SPARTA!" and kicks me in the chest. Worth it. Animals-Insects

#0692

"What's pink and disabled? A flamingo." Animals-Insects

#0693

"Got a letter today from my gran asking me to look after the dog while she's away for the month. Unluckily for Alfie, she posted it two weeks ago." Animals-Insects

#0694

"What do you call an aardvark that has just been beaten up? A vark." Animals-Insects

#0695

"Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side." Animals-Insects

#0696

"It's just taken me 3 hours to bury my son's cat. Probably would have been faster if it was dead." Animals-Insects

#0697

I went out this weekend and bought a new Jack Russell puppy for the Family. It's black & brown with a small white area...so I called it Birmingham... Animals-Insects

#0698

"I went to the dentist. He said, "Say Aaah." I said, "Why?" He said, "My dog's died."" Animals-Insects

#0699

"This chicken came up to me today and said "Buck, Buck, Buck" I'd never heard such fowl language." Animals-Insects

#0700

"When my girlfriend got her new kitten, she said that she wished it would be that cute forever. She's going to be so surprised when I get it stuffed for her birthday." Animals-Insects

#0701

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. Animals-Insects

#0702

"I went into the pet shop yesterday and said, "My two cats keep bringing fleas into the house, do you have anything to stop it?" "Sure," replied the cashier, "Rub this powder all over their fur and it should kill them within 24 hours." She was right, I woke up this morning and both cats were dead." Animals-Insects

#0703

"It's only lunchtime and I've already broken 2 of my resolutions. At least the third is safe until I find a goat." Animals-Insects

#0704

My dog swallowed my TV remote control. Now, I have to pat his back to get the BBC, press his stomach to get Sky, rub his neck to get ITV... and decided I could do without Channel 4. Animals-Insects

#0705

"What's black and white and red all over? A penguin that has been rescued by the American R.S.P.C.A" Animals-Insects

#0706

"Being a vet, I'm always looking for ways to brighten up the horrible task of putting down Animals. Do you think the CD tray from a computer would make a good hamster guillotine?" Animals-Insects

#0707

"A famous Art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."" Animals-Insects

#0708

"If you leave a dog in a car on a hot day without water or ventilation, it could be dead in 15 minutes. However, I've discovered that if I put the heating on as well, I can get it down to about five." Animals-Insects

#0709

Cats and drunks - people who can make themselves comfortable anywhere. Animals-Insects

#0710

"NEWSFLASH - An Old English Sheep dog has been found hanging from a tree in the Southern states of the USA. The police say the Deluxe Klan did it." Animals-Insects

#0711

"How come when it's a human it's an abortion; But when it's a chicken it's an omelet?" Animals-Insects

#0712

How come David Attenborough is always at the right place at the right time when a "once in a thousand years" nature event happens? Animals-Insects

#0713

"Have you ever seen a goldfish bowl? I just saw one get a strike." Animals-Insects

#0714

"I went to Cheltenham yesterday after hearing it was a great place to see lovely 10 year olds getting ridden. I was let down. It was a horse racing event." Animals-Insects

#0715

"I've just been to the Galapagos Islands and wiped out all the giant tortoises....... It was turtle annihilation." Animals-Insects

#0716

"What do you call a three legged donkey? Glue." Animals-Insects

#0717

Black Beauty, now there's a dark horse Animals-Insects

#0718

You say 'tortoise', I say 'organic flesh light'. Animals-Insects

#0719

"Tired? Stressed? Fed up of having grey hair? Tough....you're a squirrel" Animals-Insects

#0720

"What do you get when you cross a lion with a pen? Eaten by a lion." Animals-Insects

#0721

"Two goats were behind a Hollywood studio eating an old movie reel. One goat said to the other: "Pretty good, huh?" The second goat replied: "Yeah, but not as good as the book."" Animals-Insects

#0722

"How long is a hair on a rabbit's back? About 10 minutes." Animals-Insects

#0723

I went to the safari park yesterday. When you go past the lions bit they ask you to keep your windows and doors shut. I had to - or my wife would've got back in. Animals-Insects

#0724

"What do you do if a herd of elephants come over the hill? Swim for it!" Animals-Insects

#0725

"Curiosity killed the cat, But I want to know how........" Animals-Insects

#0726

"What do you call a panda deep in thought? A panda." Animals-Insects

#0727

"Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."" Animals-Insects

#0728

"My daughter loves reptiles so for her birthday, as money was tight, I told her I had bought her a Chameleon... She's been looking for it for three days." Animals-Insects

#0729

"Be careful using predictive text whilst driving in bad weather. I sent my boss a text the other day saying "Sorry I'm late, stuck in dog."" Animals-Insects

#0730

"I took my dog for a moonlit walk along the beach last night... ...and yet she still claims I'm incapable of romance!" Animals-Insects

#0731

"I sent my dog to his kennel and he blew it up. He was a Yorkshire terrorist." Animals-Insects

#0732

"Spud rifle posted: Anybody else going to eat cat food for dinner? I know I am s ------------

Reminds me of the time I bet a mate I could eat a dog food sandwich. I didn't Win a lot." Animals-Insects

#0733

"Why are there no pigs in Saudi Arabia? Because they are not prepared to live with a bunch of filthy, stinking Arabs." Animals-Insects

#0734

"My horse will only let me ride it in the dark. It's a nightmare!" Animals-Insects

#0735

"I was doing some experiments in the laboratory the other day. I dipped a gazelle in some Nitric acid - it melted but nothing too exciting happened. I sprinkled shrimps into Sulphur - they got burnt slightly, but it wasn't that spectacular. I then dropped a Panda into some Ammonia - suddenly, there was pandemonium everywhere!" Animals-Insects

#0736

"When i was on Holiday in Canada I saw a sign that said this We advise that you wear noisy little bells on your clothing so as not to startle bears. We also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. You should recognize the Difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper." Animals-Insects

#0737

"Two bats hanging in a cave and one says to the other "The thing that worries me most about getting old is incontinence"." Animals-Insects

#0738

"What can zebras have that no other Animals can have? Baby zebras." Animals-Insects

#0739

"I went to see a flea circus today, but all the fleas suddenly and mysteriously disappeared. That left us all scratching our heads." Animals-Insects

#0740

Slugs are just snails that didn't keep up the mortgage payments. Animals-Insects

#0741

"What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Scouser? Nothing. The monkeys are far too clever to screw a Liverpudlian." Animals-Insects

#0742

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Animals-Insects

#0743

If man did not evolve from apes, how come we like PG tips as much as they do? Animals-Insects

#0744

""Here we have a rare creature to these lands. Not native to the South Pole, this mammal can be found observing in numbers of 3-4, standing on its hind legs and seeing through the one big eye that extends out from the rest of its face. Feeding primarily on a diet of packaged food, what a peculiar creature it is." A penguin's account of a BBC natural history camera crew." Animals-Insects

#0745

Do cats think its bad luck when a black person crosses their path? Animals-Insects

#0746

There is a place on this Earth for all of God's creatures - right next to the mashed potatoes. Animals-Insects

#0747

In honour of Wally the whale that died in the River Thames a couple of years ago, Vera Lynn is to produce a tribute record, which is to be called "Whale Meat Again". Animals-Insects

#0748

"I spent a year breeding rabbits. It was a hare raising experience." Animals-Insects

#0749

"My wife gets all teary eyed when she sees seals being clubbed on the telly, but she doesn't think twice about asking me to whack a spider in the bath with a newspaper. And what's a spider doing with a newspaper, anyway?" Animals-Insects

#0750

"What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't really matter it won't come anyway" Animals-Insects

#0751

To ease the overcrowding in prisons why don't they release the murderers but make them wear a little bell round their necks. This method has certainly worked on my cat which used to kill no end of birds, but has not killed one since I fixed it to his collar. Animals-Insects

#0752

"What do you call a cow that has had an abortion? Decalfinated." Animals-Insects

#0753

"How do you get two whales in a car? Down the M4." Animals-Insects

#0754

"I just read that China's last Giant Panda fell into quicksand. The WWF say it hasn't quite sunk in yet." Animals-Insects

#0755

"What looks like a rainbow and brings laughter and joy to so many? An exploding parrot." Animals-Insects

#0756

"They say "you are what you eat"... ...so why doesn't duck taste like bread..?" Animals-Insects

#0757

"I went to a restaurant, and really could have eaten a horse. But I stopped after the mane." Animals-Insects

#0758

"Geese and swans mate for life. That would explain why it's very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines." Animals-Insects

#0759

"My wife just text me, "Wolfs are mythological creatures right?" I could not believe the stupidity. Everyone knows "wolves" is plural." Animals-Insects

#0760

"Apparently in Hong Kong it is customary after a meal to spit the bones out on the table.

So, anyway, I'm there enjoying my Dog and chips, and after finishing this wonderful meal, spat the bones out. Only while looking at the bones did the thought occur to me:-

That's a shame. The Dog would have loved them" Animals-Insects

#0761

"Did you know it takes 40 pigs to make 3,000 sausages? It's amazing what you can teach them" Animals-Insects

#0762

"I regret marrying a Himalayan cattle herder. All she ever does is complain about how homesick she is. "Yak, yak, yak."" Animals-Insects

#0763

"BBC News: "Giant bird found on hobbit island" So, just a normal bird then?" Animals-Insects

#0764

"A Horse walks into a Bar carrying a pair of Jump-Leads... The Barman says "I don't mind the long face, but if you try and start anything you're out!"" Animals-Insects

#0765

"I knocked on a guy's house the other day "I'm really sorry mate but my Cat's just killed your dog" "Impossible!" He exclaimed, "My dog is a 90lb Pit bull terrier, It would tear a cat to shreads, what happened?!" "Well I was digging up the road with it and I backed up over him"" Animals-Insects

#0766

"Through a Greenpeace scheme, I've already adopted a whale, a dolphin and a monkey ... I'm really not looking forward to the day I get them all together and break it to them who their real father is." Animals-Insects

#0767

"My wife is so attached to her new puppy. I love superglue pranks." Animals-Insects

#0768

"My cat gave birth in the middle of our street today. The council fined me for littering." Animals-Insects

#0769

Unicorns are basically horses with strap-ons... Animals-Insects

#0770

Once I found a skull in the woods. The first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was, and why he had antlers. Animals-Insects

#0771

My dog recently swallowed a whole set of alphabet fridge magnets. He's been leaving little messages around the house. Animals-Insects

#0772

Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner. He's a boxer. Animals-Insects

#0773

"I cleaned my fish out last night. Can't believe how bad they are at poker!" Animals-Insects

#0774

"I'm so upset having my pet chameleon put down, but the vet was right. What's the point in carrying on if he wasn't going to change." Animals-Insects

#0775

"My daughter screamed when I did her hair up in pigtails. She doesn't want to visit the abattoir again." Animals-Insects

#0776

You know you had a good night clubbing when the RSPCA turn up at your door the next morning. Animals-Insects

#0777

"They say the early bird catches the worm. On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten." Animals-Insects

#0778

"There is no sense in running from your problems. Unless they are lions" Animals-Insects

#0779

"When I found out my missus' pet spider was on the loose, I went and bought a tank... That should enable me to fire at it from a reasonably safe distance." Animals-Insects

#0780

"I got fired a few days into my job as a vet, when a woman brought in a sick hedgehog. Apparently, up down left right A B C start isn't an appropriate cure." Animals-Insects

#0781

"What's invisible and smells like carrots.... .. Rabbit farts." Animals-Insects

#0782

"There were two hedgehogs sitting by the road. The first hedgehog said "I've got this really cool game we can play" the hedgehog went into the middle of the road, curled up into a ball and a car drove over him. The hedgehog said "now it's your turn" "no way that's to scary" said the second hedgehog. "No look, it's really easy" said the hedgehog as he went into the middle of the road and curled up into a ball and a car drove over him. The first hedgehog said "look there's a car coming now it's your turn" the second hedgehog plucked up the courage, went into the middle of the road and curled up into a ball. SPLAT. 3 wheeled car." Animals-Insects

#0783

"I decided to sell my stuffed labrador on eBay. It didn't fetch very much." Animals-Insects

#0784

"The Kwik-Fit mechanic had a puzzled look on his face when I asked him if I could get a wheel balanced. "You can do that, right?" I asked. "Well, yeah," he said. "I've just never done one for a hamster before."" Animals-Insects

#0785

"I've had to close my curiosity shop due to an infestation. I found 17 dead cats in there this morning." Animals-Insects

#0786

I realize that asking my dogs which one of them farted is pointless, but if I don't ask, they might think it was me. Animals-Insects

#0787

A world without bears would be unbearable. Animals-Insects

#0788

"I love defenseless Animals. Especially in a good gravy." Animals-Insects

#0789

"I saw a dog doing his business in my garden. Didn't even know they could use laptops." Animals-Insects

#0790

It is my firm opinion that every whale that gets beached is just trying its best to evolve. Animals-Insects

#0791

"How do you make a dog go "Meow?" Freeze-dry it, then run it through a band saw." Animals-Insects

#0792

"My dog collapsed this morning. I rushed him down the vets and the vet said, "Do you think he's eaten something?" I said, "God no - I haven't fed him for two weeks."" Animals-Insects

#0793

"I've trained my Rottweiler to attack and bite on command. Should be fun - the command I've chosen is, "Can I stroke your dog?"" Animals-Insects

#0794

"My neighbor's cat just spat at me. So I turned the heat down on the frying pan." Animals-Insects

#0795

"I thought I saw a Robin Red Breast in the park today. It turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound." Animals-Insects

#0796

"I took my kids to the zoo last week. Apparently they've settled in quite well..." Animals-Insects

#0797

"After 20 years of painfully hard work I've almost finished my book. I can't believe that little caterpillar is still hungry." Animals-Insects

#0798

"I tried to find out exactly how loud my dogs bark was. But I could only get a ruff estimate." Animals-Insects

#0799

"When i get a dog, i'm going to call him STAY, just to confuse him 'COME HERE, STAY, COME HERE, STAY'" Animals-Insects

#0800

"Some people are worried that the Bees are dying out By the size of them this year, it probably because they've started eating each other." Animals-Insects

#0801

"Paying a vet to have your pet put down is like riding a bike. Why do either if you have a car?" Animals-Insects

#0802

I never got over that day back in 1971 when my dad told me my favorite pet, a 3/8th of an unchipped was now called a centipede. Animals-Insects

#0803

"So... Did they call it an AMERICAN pit bull terrier because it was first bred in America? Or because it tries to eat everything it comes in contact with?" Animals-Insects

#0804

I see in the news that Koalas are in danger of being extinct within the next 30 years...which makes the 2 stuffed ones that I bought on my holidays a decent investment. Animals-Insects

#0805

"I don't know why people think that puppies are sweet. They taste sour to me." Animals-Insects

#0806

"Our Family dog of 13 years died the other week when I accidently reversed onto him. Naturaly there was an awkward silence when my daughter brought him up at dinner today. It's not her fault though... we're Korean and she's anorexic." Animals-Insects

#0807

"Why was the dog standing still? Because it was on paws." Animals-Insects

#0808

"I was taking my dog out the other day when I met this bloke who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have him put down. He asked me, "is he mad?" To which I replied, "well, he's not exactly pleased about it."" Animals-Insects

#0809

"One of the larger ladies in our office was all dressed up last night. She had on a short skirt showing her stocking tops, a flimsy low cut top showing lots of cleavage, and a feather Boa. I asked why she was all dressed up and she said, "I'm going to a fancy dress party as a hooker." "Really?" I said. "You look more like a prop forward to me."" Animals-Insects

#0810

"My local council wants to ban pitbull terriers from the streets, but they're having problems with actually identifying which dogs are pitbulls. I personally don't see what the problem is. If they've got short legs, square shoulders and an aggressive temperament, then the dog they own is most likely a pitbull." Animals-Insects

#0811

"Which cautious insect was most adept at sniffing out treasonous plots and insurrections in Communist Russia? The Cagey Bee." Animals-Insects

#0812

"I'm very strict on my Jewish beliefs when it comes to dating. No Pigs." Animals-Insects

#0813

"A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale. "Afraid not," said the farmer. "I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella. "I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer. "I know horses and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!" "Well, all right, if you want him so bad." The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. "You sold me a blind horse!" "Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."" Animals-Insects

#0814

I watched a chicken cross the road today. It was poultry in motion. Animals-Insects

#0815

"BBC News: Motorcyclist hit by swan. He should have ducked." Animals-Insects

#0816

I bought a pair of tortoise skin shoes, it took me 3 hours to walk out the shop. Animals-Insects

#0817

""The only thing wearing a fur coat should be an animal". Thanks for the tip Mr. animal rights protester, my pig loves the new fur coat I just bought him." Animals-Insects

#0818

"I took my dog out for a walk last week. I decided to give him a race... he took the lead... and I haven't seen him since!" Animals-Insects

#0819

"I was sat in the pub last night when a 7 foot purple frog, wearing a top hat walked into the bar.

I thought, "That's unusual. Frogs normally hop."" Animals-Insects

#0820

"When you next see a bird walking down the road, have a think to yourself maybe it's scared of heights" Animals-Insects

#0821

"It's a well-known fact that whales are able to communicate over vast distances, up to and even beyond 600 miles. Now, following decades of research and advancement in the field of marine biology, scientists have finally translated these distant calls... "Can you still hear me?"" Animals-Insects

#0822

I don't agree with battery hens. Surely they lay bigger eggs if they're plugged into the mains. Animals-Insects

#0823

"I was unpacking the groceries when I picked up a bunch of bananas and saw a long hairy leg poking out. Closer inspection revealed it was a very large Brazilian Wandering Spider, the most venomous in the world, and not something you would want to touch. It was obviously dazed from being imported in refrigerated conditions, so I carefully placed the bananas back into the carrier bag and tied the handles. Then I did the sensible thing. I shouted upstairs to my wife, "Just off to the pub, darling. Only one last bag to unpack, if you could do the honors."" Animals-Insects

#0824

"I had a weird dream last night. I was on safari in Africa. I dreamt I was hand feeding a Hippo. I woke up with my hand between the wife's legs!" Animals-Insects

#0825

"A doctor was doing his rounds in a hospital when he overhears a conversation between two African nurses. One says, "It's spelled 'whoooom'." The other says, "No, I'm sure it's spelled 'whooouuum'." They carry on like this for a bit, then the doctor goes over to them and says, "I'll settle this for you, it's spelled 'womb'." One of the nurses replies, "Look, I doubt you've ever seen a hippo, let alone heard one farting underwater'." Animals-Insects

#0826

"I'm with the other P.E.T.A. People for the Eating of Tasty Animals" Animals-Insects

#0827

"A dog lover has been reunited with her lost dog after it was missing for EIGHT YEARS. Either that or her parents spent a REALLY long time saving up for a new one." Animals-Insects

#0828

"My wife said that I need to start making sacrifices for our relationship. She went mental when she checked the rabbit hutch earlier." Animals-Insects

#0829

"What do you get when you put the head of a lion on the body of an eagle? 2 dead Animals and a fine for killing protected species." Animals-Insects

#0830

"My dog didn't eat its tea tonight, so I threw it in the bin. He was getting old anyway." Animals-Insects

#0831

"Chinese authorities are becoming more and more concerned with their kids copying Western bad behavior on the streets. A spokesman said, "chopstick crime is up by 30%."" Animals-Insects

#0832

"I was listening to the cricket today and it was announced that Swann had fallen for a duck. "Ah, ain't that nice!" said my mum." Animals-Insects

#0833

"How do you get down from a elephant? You don't, you get it from a duck." Animals-Insects

#0834

"On a farm, an old woman sent her grandson to the pond for some water. As he dipped the bucket in, an alligator appeared from under the surface. He dropped the bucket and legged it back to his Grandma's kitchen. "I can't get water from that pond," he cried. "There's this alligator in there!" She laughed and said "Don't worry about him, he's tame. In fact, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him." "In that case," he replied, "that water isn't fit to drink."" Animals-Insects

#0835

A termite walks into a bar and says "is the bar tender here?" Animals-Insects

#0836

My mates say my girlfriend looks like a horse. I don't think we'll be together furlong. Animals-Insects

#0837

I can't seem to find 'Chameleon' in the dictionary. Animals-Insects

#0838

"Rabbit goes into a bar every day, orders cheese toasties. One day orders ham toastie. Never came back. Died. Of miximatoasties" Animals-Insects

#0839

"Which drink do seals hate most? Canadian club on the rocks!" Animals-Insects

#0840

Pandas have two eyes, terrorists have two eyes. Coincidence? I think not. Animals-Insects

#0841

I ran over a squirrel today... with a lawnmower... it was really tough getting that lawnmower up in that tree. Animals-Insects

#0842

Today was weird; I woke up this morning and I could feel tension mounting....he`s my dog Animals-Insects

#0843

"What's the best way to skin a cat? With really big Rizlas." Animals-Insects

#0844

"My neighbor's new dog wouldn't stop barking. So I kicked him with my Hush Puppies." Animals-Insects

#0845

"Man sells his award winning Doberman pinscher for 20. When asked why he replied. It attacked and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don't need it anymore." Animals-Insects

#0846

"First man: Do you have any hobbies? Second man: I collect badgers. First man: Do you have many? Second man: One more and I'll have the whole set." Animals-Insects

#0847

"Three ninjas are comparing their ability and boasting who is the best the first says "Watch this" and does a chop in the air and a bee falls to the ground - chopped in half. The second says "That's nothing, watch this" Does a chop in the air and a fly falls to the ground - chopped in half. The third also does a chop in the air towards a tiny gnat which then just flies off. The first two laugh and say that he didn't chop it in half. "I know" the third ninja replies "...but he'll never have Children"" Animals-Insects

#0848

"A lion goes into a restaurant and orders a steak. The waiter asks, 'How would you like it?' The lion replies, 'RAW!'" Animals-Insects

#0849

OK so if I adopt a jaguar for 3 a month and adopt an African child for 2 a month, can I put them both in the same room to see which the better investment is? Animals-Insects

#0850

"My pet beaver just died Dam..." Animals-Insects

#0851

"My wife has accused me of being addicted to petty theft. I currently have fifteen dogs, thirteen cats and seven lizards." Animals-Insects

#0852

"I keep having flashbacks about plastic underwater castles. Honestly, I've got the memory of a goldfish." Animals-Insects

#0853

It's never good when my cat thinks outside the box. Animals-Insects

#0854

"What is the worst thing that can happen to a sleeping bag? The runs." Animals-Insects

#0855

I can't help but wonder: What's so great about a bee's knee? Animals-Insects

#0856

Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool optimums? Animals-Insects

#0857

"I just started doing cage fighting but I'm going to give up. My parrot is too quick for me and keeps biting!" Animals-Insects

#0858

"A dog goes into a bar, walks up to the barman and says "alright mate, pint please." The barman says "WOW! That's amazing! Stay there, I have to show you to my friend." The dog replies "Why, does he need a plumber?"" Animals-Insects

#0859

"BBC News: Anti-Semetic cats stage Military Coup in Germany. It's the Furred Reich." Animals-Insects

#0860

"News: Football fan arrested for attacking police horse in football violence. Fan is in custody, the horse is unharmed and in a stable condition." Animals-Insects

#0861

So many kittens, so few recipes. Animals-Insects

#0862

"Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks." Animals-Insects

#0863

"It takes about fifteen mink to make a small ladies glove, that's because they aren't very good at sewing." Animals-Insects

#0864

"On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says, "Boy, its mighty cold out here!" The other says, "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey."" Animals-Insects

#0865

"Save money on hair restorer. Instead simply paint a series of little rabbits on your bald head. From a distance they look like hares." Animals-Insects

#0866

"So what separates us from the Animals? I think it's the wardens at the zoo." Animals-Insects

#0867

"Owls don't make love in the rain. Apparently it's too wet to woo..." Animals-Insects

#0868

"Unemployed? Make ends meet this Christmas by comparing muskrats" Animals-Insects

#0869

Sometimes I try to squeeze through cat flaps, but it hurts them so they start scratching. Animals-Insects

#0870

I don't see why Pamela Anderson is a member of PETA, she's been torturing her beaver for years. Animals-Insects

#0871

"My dog has just learnt the basics of a rollover. He's one step closer to presenting the National Lottery." Animals-Insects

#0872

"What does a bird do without a break? Succeed." Animals-Insects

#0873

"A guy walks into a crowded bar with a little spider on his shoulder. Everyone else laughs, but he says "This spider is stronger than any of you!" One bloke says "Prove it!" "Right; my spider will pick up this bar stool." He puts the spider on the floor and the spider picks it up. Everyone is amazed, but then he says "Now the spider will pick up a table." And the spider easily picks up the table. Everyone applauds, and the guy says "That's nothing - this tiny spider will lift up the whole bar!" With a great effort, it picks up the bar. "What else can it do?" one of the blokes asks. So the man says "For the grand finale - it will pick up the bar with every one of us on it!" Everyone starts to get onto the bar until everyone in there is standing on it. The spider starts walking towards the bar with an air of determination. Then, a man walks into the bar, sees the spider on the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it, saying "You bunch of wimps, scared of a little spider."" Animals-Insects

#0874

"I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."... Thought the Dog. Animals-Insects

#0875

"Went on a Family holiday to Africa last year. My mother-in-law got bitten by a black mamba.

Terrible thing to watch a snake dying in agony." Animals-Insects

#0876

"I was cooking dinner earlier, and I noticed on the packet "RSPCA Monitored." I thought it's obviously not 24 hours, because at some point it had its head ripped off, then was marinated in a lemon and black pepper sauce." Animals-Insects

#0877

Animal catapults. Because nothing says 'GET OFF MY LAND!' like a 70mph cow. Animals-Insects

#0878

"What's the Difference between a sniper with Parkinson's and a constipated owl? One can shoot but can't hit." Animals-Insects

#0879

"Thank God unicorns weren't black ... Otherwise they'd have been known as horses that just stabbed people." Animals-Insects

#0880

"I used to make any woman scream with only 3 inches... But then my pet scorpion died." Animals-Insects

#0881

"Get a rhino... put it on a diet... BOOM! Unicorn." Animals-Insects

#0882

"A farmer this week spent 231,000 on a sheep. In the farming community this is called an investment. In Aberdeen this is called an expensive date." Animals-Insects

#0883

"My mate's cat was stolen, skinned and made into a school bag. He's coming to terms with it." Animals-Insects

#0884

"My daughter recently got a chihuahua, and my wife said it would be nice if we bought her some things for the dog. Clearly we had very different ideas; she came home with a chewy toy, I came home with a rat trap." Animals-Insects

#0885

"I've just got home and there she is.......... On the couch, naked, waiting to show me love. God I love my dog." Animals-Insects

#0886

"What do you get if you lie under a cow? A pat on the head." Animals-Insects

#0887

"Did you know, if you had a room full of monkeys and typewriters, at some point... ..The RSPCA would come and tell you to stop this?" Animals-Insects

#0888

"I phoned up a couple about the reward for their lost cat today. But apparently they're not offering anything for just the skin." Animals-Insects

#0889

Why don't they make cat flavored dog food Animals-Insects

#0890

When they say "9/10 forest fires are caused by careless people" all I hear is "somewhere out there, a bear knows how to use matches." Animals-Insects

#0891

A woman seated at the cinema was surprised to find, sitting in the two adjacent seats, a man with his arm around a sheep dog. All through the movie, she noticed the dog watching the film with apparent understanding snarling when the villain appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts. At the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't get over how much your dog enjoyed the movie," she said. "It surprises me too," the man answered, "He absolutely despised the book." Animals-Insects

#0892

"Subject: Worst joke ever a man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others whose boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased; He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South African bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to the other lions and says 'What's the food like here?' The lions say: 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'" Animals-Insects

#0893

"What's the biggest use of leather? To hold cows together" Animals-Insects

#0894

"My pet moth died in my arms I tried saying "Don't go into the light", but it wouldn't listen" Animals-Insects

#0895

"I took my dog down the vet's this morning. As soon as I walked in there I started sobbing uncontrollably cost I knew he wouldn't be going home with me. I'll probably be okay later when my wife picks him up." Animals-Insects

#0896

"I went to watch that film 'Zoo lander' last night. I was very disappointed. I was expecting it to be like 'Highlander' except with Giraffes." Animals-Insects

#0897

"The Daily Mail carries the headline: "Boy, 2, fighting for life after being mauled by two Staffordshire bull terriers". I'm thinking he may have had more success fighting for his life before they had mauled him." Animals-Insects

#0898

I'm afraid that my cat might be on drugs, all it ever says is 'Meow Meow'. Animals-Insects

#0899

"What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig? A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering." Animals-Insects

#0900

"My girlfriend has a body like a snake; smooth, thin and usually covered in my slime. Plus she's got no arms or legs." Animals-Insects

#0901

"How many kangaroos does it take to fix a leaky water main? None, a kangaroo has neither the intelligence nor dexterity to do any kind of plumbing work. At best it could try to locate the source of the leak by jumping around, but even then it would be hard pushed to actually do anything about it." Animals-Insects

#0902

"Killed a slug with a knife today, where it found that knife I still don't know." Animals-Insects

#0903

"I love the new sport of fighting marsupials with each other. Mortal Wombat." Animals-Insects

#0904

"I wanted to get a dog for my son. But the pet shop doesn't do swaps." Animals-Insects

#0905

"What do you call a grizzly with no teeth? A Gummy Bear" Animals-Insects

#0906

"As the snake sunk its fangs into my hand, I screamed to the safari guide, "please say it's been de-venomed!" "Of course it has!" He said. "How can you be sure?" I asked in a panic. "Because it's just injected it all into your hand," he replied." Animals-Insects

#0907

"Step one: Buy a sheep. Step two: Name it "Relation". Now you have a relation sheep." Animals-Insects

#0908

"Why did the French chicken cross the road? To surrender to the other side." Animals-Insects

#0909

"What do you call a cat with no legs? Dog food." Animals-Insects

#0910

"I've just subscribed to Sheep Farmers weekly magazine. I was delighted to receive a free pen." Animals-Insects

#0911

"Me and the wife are going to be on channel 4's 'It's me or the Dog' next week or as I'm calling it, 'Which Dog should I Keep?'" Animals-Insects

#0912

I've killed thousands of whales in my time but I don't like to harpoon about it. Animals-Insects

#0913

"I was over the park the other day and I see a sign that said "No dog fouling". So I made sure I timed my tackle to perfection." Animals-Insects

#0914

"Zoo officials say that a female tiger has killed her mate at London zoo. It was a rare attack that came after months of simmering jealousy in a feline love triangle. Authorities say if the allegations are true, the tiger could spend the rest of her life behind bars." Animals-Insects

#0915

"I got rid of a huge fly with my slipper today. I said, "you can have this slipper if you get out of my house."" Animals-Insects

#0916

"What do you get if you cross an African with a chimpanzee? Ten years imprisonment for contravening section 3 of the Human Fertilization and Embryology Act 1990." Animals-Insects

#0917

"I spent three hours last night constructing a cricket bat, It's the strangest creature I've ever seen..." Animals-Insects

#0918

Owls really are wise. I just asked one what 235 times 12 was and he said 2820. Animals-Insects

#0919

"What's got 4 legs and goes "boo"? A cow with a cold." Animals-Insects

#0920

"What is a Dog? 1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4) They growl when they're not happy. 5) When you want to play, they want to play. 6) When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7) They are great at begging. 8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. 9) They leave their toys everywhere. 10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats" Animals-Insects

#0921

"I put a "Beware of the Dog" sign on my front gate recently. I don't have a dog but looking at people walking up the path is a lot more entertaining now." Animals-Insects

#0922

I thought beavers were meant to be good swimmers... Animals-Insects

#0923

"I put a wasp through the scanner at Tesco's. Cost me 27p." Animals-Insects

#0924

"Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To show he has guts." Animals-Insects

#0925

"I'm new to farming, but I recently purchased several thousand battery hens based upon a sound business plan and excellent return on investment figures. I don't wish to waste any money, so before I release any further funds, could somebody tell me whether chickens take AA's or AAA's? Thanks." Animals-Insects

#0926

"I was looking through the Auto Trader at cars trying to decide what car we should get next. My wife said, "Why don't we get an Estate for the dogs?" I said, "What for? They can't drive."" Animals-Insects

#0927

I took my kid down to the local park this morning, I was thrown out, apparently baby goats aren't allowed to graze there Animals-Insects

#0928

"I read a headline in the newspaper today 'Tiger savages trainer' I thought to myself, Tiger Woods is getting out of hand now first the cheating and now this." Animals-Insects

#0929

"I bought some dog biscuits yesterday. Labrador flavor." Animals-Insects

#0930

People like the accent of Wales, i much prefer dolphins myself Animals-Insects

#0931

"I gave my crazy little reptile some Prozac the other nite. Now he's a calmer Chameleon." Animals-Insects

#0932

"Help, I think I've just drowned my Turtle . . Or Tortoise or whatever it is." Animals-Insects

#0933

"BBC News - Whale song spreads across ocean in other news - Adele goes on a cruise" Animals-Insects

#0934

"What do you call an Insect with an afro? A Frisbee" Animals-Insects

#0935

"What did the horse say to the one-legged jockey?? How are ya getting on??" Animals-Insects

#0936

What happens if you give Red Bull to a bird? Animals-Insects

#0937

"What's the Difference between a Mosquito and a Mosque ? One spreads fear among the local population and causes the senseless deaths of countless innocent people, and the other's an insect." Animals-Insects

#0938

"I got told that chameleons blend to look like their surroundings. Well I put mine in a blender and it looks nothing like the kitchen wall." Animals-Insects

#0939

"Our pet cat loves getting strokes. The kids love his lop-sided face, too." Animals-Insects

#0940

"I was watching "Finding Bigfoot" on Animal Planet. I'm guessing these guys aren't getting paid per Bigfoot found." Animals-Insects

#0941

"I lost the dog whilst out for a run with him this morning. 'Why didn't you take the lead?' asked the wife when I came home. 'I did', I replied, 'but he overtook me after 100 yards & disappeared into the distance...'" Animals-Insects

#0942

"Cats look down on us Dogs look up to us Pigs treat us as equal ------------------------- Winston Churchill" Animals-Insects

#0943

"I've realized my wife has a lot in common with turkeys. Too much skin around the neck and they both like to gobble." Animals-Insects

#0944

Universal truth: You can't respect a man who carries a dog. Animals-Insects

#0945

"So when a chameleon becomes really aggressive and angry it changes color to black? Surprise, surprise..." Animals-Insects

#0946

"I watched a DVD of Steve Irwin choking the animal that would eventually kill him. It was a Blu Ray" Animals-Insects

#0947

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots. Animals-Insects

#0948

"A duck walks into a bar.... it was then collected and released in a nearby park." Animals-Insects

#0949

"I saw a vet in his surgery with his hand up a sheep. "Lambing it?" I asked "No," he said, knocking the floor, "its real wood."" Animals-Insects

#0950

"Never milk a joke. Unless it's a cow joke." Animals-Insects

#0951

"I got one of those 'Cash for Gold' envelopes in the post this morning. So I posted it back to them this afternoon. Wonder what they'll give me for my fish?" Animals-Insects

#0952

"I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You are obviously not listening."" Animals-Insects

#0953

Has anyone else noticed the lack of stray dogs and abundance of kebab shops? Animals-Insects

#0954

"I got my results today... My wife has left me and I got custody of the dog... RESULT !" Animals-Insects

#0955

People that walk their dogs around Children's parks are not fooling anyone. Animals-Insects

#0956

I punched a blind man on the nose earlier. That'll teach his dog to look at my wife.

Animals-Insects

#0957

"What do you call an Albino Gorilla? Honkey Kong." Animals-Insects

#0958

"If your horse goes too fast. You mustang on." Animals-Insects

#0959

"The doctor said to the patient, "You owe your life to that dog. It pulled you to safety." The patient asked, "Where is the dog now?" "Unfortunately there's no sign of the dog - or your Arm."" Animals-Insects

#0960

My pet turtle has been trying to break dance on its back for three weeks now. Animals-Insects

#0961

My cat hates Cyanide and I hate my cat. Animals-Insects

#0962

"I have a foolproof way to stop women ever denting my pride. I've banned them all from driving in my safari park." Animals-Insects

#0963

"I've just found out that my favorite fish has got cancer. The vet said it's a malignant tuna." Animals-Insects

#0964

My girlfriend lost her rabbit yesterday so she asked me to help look for it, she doesn't have to fear I found a lucky rabbits foot on my drive yesterday. Animals-Insects

#0965

"I just received a letter from the RSPCA regarding my mistreatment of Animals. I would respond, but I can't find my quill." Animals-Insects

#0966

"Why are they using blacks instead of laboratory rats in experiments now? They breed faster and you don't get too attached to them!" Animals-Insects

#0967

"The other week I went to a National Birds of Prey center and saw a variety of hawks, eagles and owls. When we left my girlfriend asked me which bird was my favorite. I said "The one with the mini skirt and nice cleavage" I'm now single" Animals-Insects

#0968

"What is black, white and red? A penguin with a red hat on its head. The hat is at a jaunty angle and looks really cute." Animals-Insects

#0969

Animals may be our friends. But they won't pick you up at the airport. Animals-Insects

#0970

Whole milk is good but I prefer milk that came from the udder Animals-Insects

#0971

"What do my wife and veterinary gloves have in common? They are both stuck up cows" Animals-Insects

#0972

"I was watching my dog scratching earlier. I didn't want to stop him but he was ruining my records." Animals-Insects

#0973

"My horse has been banned from racing on suspicion I was giving him steroids. Apparently another horse looked at him funny in the paddock and he ripped off a piece of fence and started beating him with it." Animals-Insects

#0974

"What do elephants use as tampons? Sheep!! Why do elephants have long trunks? Because sheep don't have string!!" Animals-Insects

#0975

"What do Animal rights activists eat? PETA bread." Animals-Insects

#0976

"It's just cost me two grand to get my girlfriend two pairs of shoes and have her nails done. I suppose I should expect nothing less when dating a horse." Animals-Insects

#0977

"I recently caught elephantiasis. It's not good but at least my amnesia is cured" Animals-Insects

#0978

I'm going to encourage my cat to live a more active life by telling it that it died peacefully 8 times in its sleep Animals-Insects

#0979

"I came down stairs this morning and found my dog stuck on the fridge. I think he's eaten the magnets again." Animals-Insects

#0980

Do Jellyfish have Jelly babies? Animals-Insects

#0981

"I've just got a Magicians dog, He's an Abracalabrador" Animals-Insects

#0982

"I came home from work this evening and the dog was dead on the floor. I guess six months on an oil rig broke his heart!" Animals-Insects

#0983

"I cut an owls vocal chords the other day.... It didn't give a hoot." Animals-Insects

#0984

There are reports of an unidentified gang of out of control dogs causing trouble in Central London, authorities have no leads. Animals-Insects

#0985

"I got asked by some crustiest if I'd like to join their hunt saboteurs group and get one over the hooray Henrys on horseback. Naturally, being a caring kind of person and willing to help out people in their crusades, I accepted. The next day I got out there way before anyone else and shot the fox." Animals-Insects

#0986

"What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot? A walkie talkie." Animals-Insects

#0987

I'm bringing out a new range of pet foods with flavors they'll really love. For cats there will be: Mouse, Canary, Frog and Goldfish and for dogs; Rabbit, Cat, Sheep with an extra special flavor for pit bulls and Rottweiler's "Grandchild's Face" Animals-Insects

#0988

I'm going to get a tattoo on my inner thigh of a squirrel worshipping my nuts. Animals-Insects

#0989

I hate lazy rattlesnakes because you never know where they are... Animals-Insects

#0990

"I went duck shooting today. I spotted a duck swimming along and quickly took my aim, and just as I was about to pull the trigger I looked behind it and noticed six cute little ducklings swimming behind her. Luckily I had seven bullets." Animals-Insects

#0991

"My parents had strange views when it came to dogs they said we could get a puppy and if we didn't like it we can just abandon it, my foster parents however..." Animals-Insects

#0992

"Scientific evidence suggests that feeding chocolate to dogs is highly dangerous and must be avoided. From experience, I can say that this is true from what happened to my own dog. He choked on a rolo." Animals-Insects

#0993

"An undercover investigation at a dogs4us puppy farm has revealed some of the dogs are malnourished and scruffy. If the investigative team want to see some really scruffy growlers, might I recommend a night out in Skipton." Animals-Insects

#0994

"Apparently, baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day. Do worms have feet then?" Animals-Insects

#0995

"Did you know that giraffes can clean their own ears with their 21 inch tongue? Although Mrs. Giraffe had other plans for tonight" Animals-Insects

#0996

"Went to the zoo the other day some cuddly black and white bears in stockings were going berserk it was sheer pandemonium." Animals-Insects

#0997

The worst bit about buying a zebra is the check out. Animals-Insects

#0998

"I see two Pheasants racing to get the last few seeds from the bird feed when one fell over. The other pheasant stopped and waited till the first got back on its feet. I thought to myself "fair game"." Animals-Insects

#0999

"A bull has been arrested for going berserk in a China shop. He's denied all charges." Animals-Insects

#1000

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Animals-Insects

#1001

"Pigeon: "Do you think I should say 'coo, coo, coo?"Sparrow: "It's your call."" Animals-Insects

#1002

Scared of spiders? Do what I do.. Imagine them all naked Animals-Insects

#1003

"I redecorated my birds' bathroom last night. I put a copy of The Daily Telegraph at the bottom of her cage." Animals-Insects

#1004

"I hear the police have set up a hot dog stand outside their station in Nottingham? Haven't they got anything better to do?" Animals-Insects

#1005

"What are we going to get our kids now the go hamsters are said to have cancerous toxins in them? If only there was something hamster like that moved about, we could even put it in a ball to run around the front room and at night it could sleep in a cage. If only..." Animals-Insects

#1006

In a fight between me and a hedgehog I think it would be close, but he'd win on points. Animals-Insects

#1007

"What do ya get when you cross a road with a chicken? Questioned" Animals-Insects

#1008

If I get my cat chipped, does that mean it can eat dog food? Animals-Insects

#1009

Turned on my Satnav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that? Animals-Insects

#1010

"Say 'No!' to Animals in Circuses. And, if that doesn't work, beat them and smack them with your whip so they'll know who's boss!" Animals-Insects

#1011

"I've forgotten the name of my homing pigeon. But I'm sure it will come back to Me." Animals-Insects

#1012

"Just been to a seminar discussing mythical Welsh creatures. It didn't half drag on." Animals-Insects

#1013

"Sky Sports News, 'Cats close on Korean'... Haha, revenge!" Animals-Insects

#1014

Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to ring the owner of a missing animal to let them know i can't find it. Animals-Insects

#1015

"Grab your goat, we've pulled." Animals-Insects

#1016

"What do you get if you put a zebra in a washing machine? A donkey." Animals-Insects

#1017

"Researchers said today .....'Chimpanzees deal with death like humans' what a load of twaddle........ I've never seen a chimpanzee post a dead human joke on Sickipedia yet!" Animals-Insects

#1018

PIGS. Avoid having your head on a dinner table by not eating whole apples. Animals-Insects

#1019

Is it more offensive telling my black friend that she smells like my dog, or telling my dog she smells like a black person? Animals-Insects

#1020

"BBC News: 'New Mini-Species of Tiger discovered!' So just a cat, then?" Animals-Insects

#1021

"What do you call a sick crocodile? An alligator." Animals-Insects

#1022

""Dad where's the cat?" "Eat your soup darling"" Animals-Insects

#1023

"Just bought a new pair of boxer shorts. I spoil that dog something rotten." Animals-Insects

#1024

I have a great idea for next year's New Year celebrations. I'm going to put 20 dogs in one of the London eye's pods and watch the fireworks go off. Animals-Insects

#1025

"What does a toothless budgie do? Succeeds" Animals-Insects

#1026

"Either-or," said the confused donkey. Animals-Insects

#1027

"I won a rabbit at the fair once, but it drowned in the bag before I got it home." Animals-Insects

#1028

"Thought I saw Batman's shadow in our house earlier.. Turns out our German Sheppard was sat at the top of the stairs" Animals-Insects

#1029

"Life insurance for cats Offer. Buy 2, get 7 free." Animals-Insects

#1030

"Zebras are serious Animals. They're very black and white about things." Animals-Insects

#1031

"Give a man a fish, and he will probably raise several questions about your mental well-being." Animals-Insects

#1032

"A Baptist missionary in Africa was just walking when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion." In the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "I thank thee for the meal which I am about to enjoy"" Animals-Insects

#1033

Sorry Polar Bears, survival of the fittest and all that. Animals-Insects

#1034

I was in the bath the other day and I thought, are ducks even yellow? Animals-Insects

#1035

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." Animals-Insects

#1036

"I thought I'd found a 9-legged spider today. Turned out to be an ordinary spider with an erection." Animals-Insects

#1037

"So in 50 year we won't be able to see penguins unless it's on television due to climate change. The more things change, the more they stay the same then." Animals-Insects

#1038

Saying that my cat died of natural causes is just a nice way of saying he got stuck in a tree and froze to death. Animals-Insects

#1039

"- Why do tigers live on their own whereas lions live in prides? - Because Lions aren't ginger." Animals-Insects

#1040

"I was at the beach when I saw a bloke with a donkey and a sign reading "Rides from 2.50" So I paid my money and jumped on. We got about halfway down the promenade and I was loving it. I didn't want it to end but he said he had to get back to his donkey." Animals-Insects

#1041

Just before Christmas last year my gran was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, it was terrible news to get just before the festive season, but on the plus side I've got her the same present this year. Animals-Insects

#1042

"I had a dog: half-pit bull, half-poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip." Animals-Insects

#1043

"There are two cows in a field. Which one is on holiday? The one with the wee calf." Animals-Insects

#1044

""It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." Try telling that to the owner of the little terrier, down the road, that just had its throat ripped out by a Rottweiler." Animals-Insects

#1045

"My Father said that he is so fed up of all my pets, the next one I get he is going to drown.

I'm seriously considering getting a shark." Animals-Insects

#104

"BEWARE.... Clothing for bee's" Animals-Insects

#1047

"Dear Moths, Okay so you live for about a week. Why don't you go see the London eye or see how far you can get round the world? Please stop hanging around in my bedroom and also feeling the necessity to nose dive at my phone as I type this... Thanks" Animals-Insects

#1048

"It is advised that if confronted by a bear you should drop to the ground, stay silent, act submissively and wait until its lost interest in you before you move. Respect to the blatant rapist, who clearly wanders forests dressed in a bear suit, for releasing this 'Advice' to the world." Animals-Insects

#1049

"If you ever get attacked by a tiger just throw moisturizer cream at him. Blocks the paws." Animals-Insects

#1050

"I saw two cats fighting on my way to work this morning. My van broke it up." Animals-Insects

#1051

"Did you hear about the panda who lost his food? He was bamboozled..." Animals-Insects

#1052

"My six-year-old got savaged by two greyhounds last night. You can't really blame the dogs - he has a hare lip." Animals-Insects

#1053

When playing paper, rock, scissors against a dog, always go with scissors. Animals-Insects

#1054

"Two dogs are having a walk through the park. One turns to the other and says... "Do you use a rubber when you make love?" To which the other replies: "Yeah you Rex?"" Animals-Insects

#1055

"People often ask me why I find wild pigs uninteresting. To be honest they just boar Me." Animals-Insects

#1056

"What's yellow and tastes of bananas? Monkey sick." Animals-Insects

#1057

A man walks into a pub with his dog and bets the barman 500 that the dog can talk. The barman takes him up on the offer thinking the man was mad. So he says to his dog "What is on the top of a house?" and the dog says "ROOF!" then the man says "what's my wife's name?" then the dog says "RUTH! Then the man asks "what is the most important person on a football pitch?" and the dog says "REF!" Needless to say the barman throws them both out and as they're laying on the pavement the dog looks at the owner and says "Defender?" Animals-Insects

#1058

"I saw a seahorse for the first time in my life today. Somebody flooded the stables." Animals-Insects

#1059

"I pushed a farmers pig off the road away from an oncoming car today. Really saved his bacon." Animals-Insects

#1060

"Just bought a new pet stone. It rocks!!!" Animals-Insects

#1061

"I recently bought an elephant, so I could scare my wife with it when she gets home.

I've got the elephant of surprise." Animals-Insects

#1062

"I can't help but feel sorry for those dying souls floating around in that putrid horrible infected water! Poor rats!!" Animals-Insects

#1063

"What do you call the red mushy stuff under a elephants feet? Slow natives." Animals-Insects

#1064

"An Elephant came up to me and started speaking nonsense I said "I can't listen to this mumbo, jumbo"" Animals-Insects

#1065

If seal is broken... Please inform the zoo keeper. Animals-Insects

#1066

"So, a cat and a dog go into a Chinese takeaway... Not all of them, obviously. They also use pork and chicken." Animals-Insects

#1067

Has anyone else realized that when you run into a spider web you suddenly turn into a ninja? Animals-Insects

#1068

"You can't out run, out climb or out swim a bear. So always go into the woods with someone you can out run, out climb and out swim." Animals-Insects

#1069

"Meant to shake my Etch-A-Sketch, but accidentally grabbed the ant farm. Ants are now busy planning a disaster relief telethon." Animals-Insects

#1070

"What do you call a whale with no legs? A whale" Animals-Insects

#1071

A goldfish swims into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long faces?" Animals-Insects

#1072

"My neighbor's chocolate labrador really confused me. It tasted of chicken." Animals-Insects

#1073

"I've been trying to breed male rabbits for racing. I'll do anything to make a fast buck." Animals-Insects

#1074

"What's the best thing about having a black man in the Whitehouse? One less mugger on the streets..." Animals-Insects

#1075

"I was talking to a Barn Owl last night when I happened to mention that I had just got engaged. "You twit. To Who? He said" Animals-Insects

#1076

"I managed to get the most magnificent bird to come to my house the other day. I think it was the trail of breadcrumbs that did it." Animals-Insects

#1077

"What do Elephants have for their dinner? An hour, just like the rest of the Animals." Animals-Insects

#1078

"What's big, grey and makes you jump? The elephant of surprise." Animals-Insects

#1079

"A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam. "Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the optometrist, "I see spots before my eyes." "So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard, aren't you?" "What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient. "My wife is a zebra."" Animals-Insects

#1080

"I'm very grateful to my elderly neighbor for taking my dog out for a run every day. I'm surprised she's never noticed me tie the lead onto the back of her mobility scooter." Animals-Insects

#1081

"How do you sneak a gorilla out of the zoo? Dress it up in a gorilla costume." Animals-Insects

#1082

"Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Personally, I'm going with the egg; in my experience, most birds take forever to come" Animals-Insects

#1083

"*For Sale* fully grown male African Lion. Slightly smelly, very sharp teeth and claws. Usually good with kids. Reluctant sale... due to multiple Family bereavement." Animals-Insects

#1084

"My wife said to me "I think the cat wants to go out." "How could you possibly know that?" I sneered "Hes put his hat and coat on"" Animals-Insects

#1085

If your girlfriend's cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing "The Circle of Life" into her ear WON'T cheer her up. Animals-Insects

#1086

"FREE TO GOOD HOME: I recently bought a beautiful kitten, but it turns out my 1 year old daughter is allergic to her. Obviously I can no longer keep her, hence the reason I'm getting rid of her. She has lovely black hair and is very playful and friendly, great with people. She is completely house trained and up to date on all papers and shots. All in all the she's great, it's sad that she has to go but, I'm sure she will make others happy and she's just starting to walk and say her first words." Animals-Insects

#1087

"I like to give pigs red bull. Just to make a lot more things seem true." Animals-Insects

#1088

"My wife bugged me to wash the cat the other day until I finally gave in. But after I'd done it I couldn't understand why she was so livid. I thought that she'd be made up that I'd finally figured out how to use the washing machine." Animals-Insects

#1089

"Two Owls playing pool.... First owl takes his shot and fouls as his wing brushes against a ball.. Being an honest owl he say's to his mate "Two hits" The second owl replies "Two hits To Who?"" Animals-Insects

#1090

"Metro Headline this week: "MONKEYS COULD BE TRAINED TO SIT TODAYS A LEVELS" Ok, this might be new to me - but how many monkeys are there in the world who can read and write, discounting the Jackson Family? More to the point, even if said monkeys *could* read and write, I'd love to see one try and interpret Shakespeare. So no, Metro, A monkey couldn't." Animals-Insects

#1091

"My mate told me I shouldn't talk to my dog like he's a person, or "he might get the wrong idea". So I told him that if he's capable of having these kind of ideas then he deserves to be spoken to like a person, thus creating a paradox." Animals-Insects

#1092

"'Save the Polar Bears' Why? If we were in their position, what would they do. Eat us." Animals-Insects

#1093

I couldn't afford the Vet's bill to neuter the dog, so I just tied a wire brush to my trouser leg. Animals-Insects

#1094

"Just got to go feed the cat ...To something that eats cats." Animals-Insects

#1095

"I was on a safari in Africa last week and the tour guide was naming different animal groups. "That's a pride of lions" He said A tower of giraffes A flight of birds Then he said herd of elephants... So I said yes" Animals-Insects

#1096

A dog isn't just for Christmas... Get one for your birthday too! Animals-Insects

#1097

"What is a Muslim monkey A Qur'an-utan" Animals-Insects

#1098

"As part of a pre-emptive strike on Canada, the US have sent in their special forces. Silly really, because the Canadians are expert at clubbing seals." Animals-Insects

#1099

"Knock knock Who's there? Kanger Kanger who? Boing boing boing" Animals-Insects

#1100

"Crouching tiger, hidden dragon. The day out at the zoo wasn't a success." Animals-Insects

#1101

"Definition of the use for a Wok. What you two at a Rabbit when you don't have a Wifle." Animals-Insects

#1102

Animals may be our friends but they won't pick you up at the airport. Animals-Insects

#1103

"Picked up this hot chick yesterday, She was fresh out of the incubator." Animals-Insects

#1104

"My Wife said "Why's our new dog ripping that piece of headwear apart?" I replied "I think it's just a bad hat he chewed"" Animals-Insects

#1105

I reckon the anterior leg joints of Bombus Terrestris are the bees knees. Animals-Insects

#1106

"My parents were dog stylists before they started traveling the world preaching the word of God. As a child, it was always difficult explaining to people that my folks were into doggie style BEFORE the missionary position." Animals-Insects

#1107

"They say cats always land on their feet Not if they're dead..." Animals-Insects

#1108

"I have 2 cats, but only one eats Whiskers. The other has a bald face." Animals-Insects

#1109

"I remember the first time my father taught me about the birds and the bees. In fact, he still doesn't shut up about them! It's a nightmare being the only son of Bill Oddie." Animals-Insects

#1110

"I was sitting in the park today watching the birds. A crow landed, followed soon by another. They looked around as if hoping that other crows would join them, but none did, so they flew off again. Next thing I know, I'm in court as a witness to an attempted murder." Animals-Insects

#1111

"BBC News: "What dogs and cats can teach humans about life...." That we must have a serious lack of teachers?" Animals-Insects

#1112

"I once lived in a duck pond but had to move out. I couldn't stand all the bills." Animals-Insects

#1113

"I was talking to a wildlife expert earlier. I said, "how do you tell the Difference between a male and a female hedgehog?" He said, "easy: the males have got loads of holes on their chest and a pained look on their face."" Animals-Insects

#1114

Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work. Animals-Insects

#1115

"I went fishing today, I caught all kinds of fish. Until they threw me out the aquarium." Animals-Insects

#1116

"I was hiking in the mountains today, when I see a guy sprinkling pink powder all around his garden. I asked him 'What is that for?' He then replied 'its anti-bear powder, it keeps them away from my house.' 'But you live in England, there are no bears for thousands of miles!' He replied ' I know, works a treat doesn't it?'" Animals-Insects

#1117

"What do you get if your baby cat falls into your deep fat fryer? Unlucky fried kitten" Animals-Insects

#1118

Bought an Ant farm, don't know where I'm going to get tractors that small. Animals-Insects

#1119

"Don't be resist, be like a panda: Black, Asian and White ...so you can pick cotton, put together an iPod and rule the world." Animals-Insects

#1120

What drugs do ducks sell? Quack Cocaine. Animals-Insects

#1121

"Why did the fish cross the road? He saw the pelican crossing." Animals-Insects

#1122

"I bought a dog the other day and they told me it was a pedigree. When I got it home, I wasn't sure if it was a 100% pedigree dog, so I asked for other people's opinions they all said the same, they were not sure. So, I took it back to the pet shop and it turns out it's a borderline collie." Animals-Insects

#1123

"There's a big hoohaa about cloned cows getting into the food chain. To be honest, being able to tell one steak from another is not high on my list of priorities." Animals-Insects

#1124

Life is like watching a dog lick himself...full of impossible Dreams Animals-Insects

#1125

"What's worse than finding a spider in your bedroom? Losing a spider in your bedroom." Animals-Insects

#1126

"I and the Family had the most traumatic experience walking on the beach. We got attacked by dark-blue sea-lions with automatic weapons. My guess is that they must have been Navy Seals." Animals-Insects

#1127

"Three Animals were having a huge argument over who was the best. The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had not a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all, hawk, lion and stinker" Animals-Insects

#1128

"What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? Banned from the local nature reserve." Animals-Insects

#1129

"Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because it was chicken" Animals-Insects

#1130

"I don't know why everyone tarnishes Oriental folk with the same brush. My neighbors are Chinese and when they came for dinner they were mortified that I cooked them a cat. Maybe because it was theirs." Animals-Insects

#1131

The Higgs Bison, smallest known buffalo known to man. Animals-Insects

#1132

"What has 6 legs and an arm? Me fisting a horse." Animals-Insects

#1133

"I use to have terrible trouble with Mole's digging holes in my back garden, but I solved that now, I hid the shovels!!" Animals-Insects

#1134

As a kid, I always wanted to be a web designer... or, as we called them then, a spider. Animals-Insects

#1135

"How many PETA members does it take to change a light bulb? None, PETA will never change anything." Animals-Insects

#1136

"I can shoot deer with either arm. I'm ambidextrous." Animals-Insects

#1137

"My wife was disgusted when i showed her my turtle head. In my defense I couldn't afford a whole one." Animals-Insects

#1138

"I used to enjoy playing Pokémon with my friends as a child, so last week I got the gang back together and we had a Pokémon battle. However, the man from the RSPCA didn't see it that way and we were jailed for dog fighting." Animals-Insects

#1139

"You have to admire Giraffe's... No matter what, they always walk around with their heads held high." Animals-Insects

#1140

"Grimsby's zoo are bragging they have the best looking chameleon in the world. I can't see it myself." Animals-Insects

#1141

"How do you interrogate a moth? Point a turned off torch in its face." Animals-Insects

#1142

"I gave my wife crabs. They'll keep her company at the bottom of our garden pond." Animals-Insects

#1143

I've realized today that no matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats. Animals-Insects

#1144

"When I was in Primary School I was given the honour of taking the school Guinea Pig home. It took seven months and a nationwide search but I finally made it to Guinea." Animals-Insects

#1145

"I ran over my dog with the lawnmower yesterday. He's ok now though, after a little retail therapy." Animals-Insects

#1146

I drink to forget... which can take forever when you're an elephant. Animals-Insects

#1147

"My wife just shoved her hand inside a Goat to get out the baby. Ewe" Animals-Insects

#1148

"What do you call a horse with 3 legs? Glue." Animals-Insects

#1149

"Took my disobedient German Shepherd to a dog shouter. It's basically just an impatient dog whisperer." Animals-Insects

#1150

"I'm a retired boxer and I'm thinking of taking on golf as a hobby. Although many believe I should go into acting because apparently I'm the only dog they know that can talk." Animals-Insects

#1151

The first rule of Animal Abusers Club is: you do not let the cat out of the bag. Animals-Insects

#1152

"Lucky, the world's oldest sheep, has died age 23. Well, you can only wrap them up in cotton wool for so long." Animals-Insects

#1153

"Golden Retriever Saves 11-Year-Old Boy From Cougar." Good for the dog! These women really need to find men their own age." Animals-Insects

#1154

"Phew! Just spent half an hour haggling with the vet over how much to have the dog put down, and when I went back out to the car it was dead." Animals-Insects

#1155

"Why did the squirrel swim on his back? To keep its nuts dry" Animals-Insects

#1156

"I phoned up the vet and said, "I am rather concerned about my pet, Millie. Every time the postman comes to my house, she barks." The vet said, "Don't worry about it, it is very normal for dogs to bark at postmen." I said, "I know that, but Millie is my cat."" Animals-Insects

#1157

"How do you know if a police horse is lame? Its hooves go Good Clop, Bad Clop." Animals-Insects

#1158

"Years ago I bought, as he described it, 'the World's biggest horse' from Jeremy Beadle. Although I'm not sure his measurement of 45 hands was entirely accurate." Animals-Insects

#1159

"I bought a chameleon from the pet shop the other day I haven't seen it since" Animals-Insects

#1160

"My wife's Chihuahua took a nasty dump on the carpet and I stepped on it. Now I got to get a new one before she gets home." Animals-Insects

#1161

"What's the Difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly, a fly can't bird." Animals-Insects

#1162

I've just thought, chicken legs are a chickens legs and chicken wings are a chickens wings, i am never eating chicken nuggets again!! Animals-Insects

#1163

"A lizard is reported to have escaped tonight from London Zoo. Police are monitoring the situation" Animals-Insects

#1164

"I'm black and I live in a purely white area, but this isn't a problem, in fact the community is very close and in hard times we all come together to see it through. I'm a penguin, and I'm against racism." Animals-Insects

#1165

"A bear walks into a bar and goes, "I'll have................. a beer, please." The barman says, "Sure, but why the big pause?" The bear replies: "I've got Alzheimer's."" Animals-Insects

#1166

Africa, the only place in the world where you get a pint of flies and your beer lands in it Animals-Insects

#1167

"Can we not just settle this once and for all and give Paul the Octopus two boxes? White and black." Animals-Insects

#1168

"I think my puppy may have a sore throat, He's a little husky." Animals-Insects

#1169

"What do you call a spider with no legs? A currant." Animals-Insects

#1170

"Just read the booklet to claim Jobseeker's Allowance. Without a word of a lie, it says at the bottom "If you need help to read this booklet, please call (this number)". To be honest, if you need help to read that booklet, there isn't a chance that you're getting a job anyway." Animals-Insects

#1171

Pet owners: Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats Animals-Insects

#1172

"My wife was going away for the weekend, and as she left she kissed me on the cheek and said: "Be Good". As she closed the door, I chuckled under my breath; "While the cats away, the mice can play." I spent all weekend playing with my pet mice. It was lovely." Animals-Insects

#1173

I can't stand my 3 legged dog anymore. Animals-Insects

#1174

"Our dog is 'in season' apparently. Why the wife insists her being the height of fashion, I'll never know." Animals-Insects

#1175

"I was trying to learn dolphin the other day I was finding it really tough Then it just clicked" Animals-Insects

#1176

"Sky Sports: "McCArthy loving Wolves life" That's all well and good, but shouldn't he be focusing on pre-season training rather than running in packs and howling at the moon?" Animals-Insects

#1177

"Chickens have such a heightened panic reflex that even after their heads have been cut off their first reaction is to run away. Just remind me again; who invented the guillotine?" Animals-Insects

#1178

"What do you call a fish with no eyes? Amblyopsidae, which are commonly referred to as cavefish, blindfish, or swamp fish. They are small freshwater fish found in the dark environments of swamps, caves, and some deep lakes. They are known for having no eyesight. I found one and named it fish." Animals-Insects

#1179

"What's worse than waking up with a lot of pubic hair stuck between your teeth? Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth... I thought the worst thing was waking up with skid marks on your tongue?" Animals-Insects

#1180

"Give a dog a bone, and it'll have fun for a week. Teach a dog to bone...." Animals-Insects

#1181

"A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no Children; so he's going to live with us - just like one of the Family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife." "But what about the smell?" the friend asked. "Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did." Animals-Insects

#1182

"Apparently the World's most famous octopus died today. I must be incredibly dim because I haven't got a clue who the second most famous octopus is." Animals-Insects

#1183

A clown was killed at work today . . . freak accident! Animals-Insects

#1184

"I had enough of my girlfriend and her sarcastic "bird" comments. She would say things like, "You eat like a bird, you're a birdbrain, etc.". As I walked out she said "Where are you going to go?" "Not sure, I'll probably head south"." Animals-Insects

#1185

"I went for a CAT scan earlier. I'm now being prosecuted by the RSPCA and banned from the library for the misuse of their photocopier. Animals-Insects

#1186

"I walked into the bedroom with a jar of honey. "Oooh, Are you going to smear it all over my naked body?" asked my wife. "That's a bit kinky!" "Daft bint," I thought, "I'm just going to use you as bait to try and get rid of that wasp's nest."" Animals-Insects

#1187

"I saw this baby sheep covered in plastic. Laminated." Animals-Insects

#1188

For a cow, spilled milk is a serious medical condition and it's perfectly normal to cry. Animals-Insects

#1189

"What does a perverted frog say? Rubbit." Animals-Insects

#1190

"My friend has a pet German Shepherd. Every time I visit him, it puts its face straight into my groin. I have a Yorkshire terrier and all this kneeling down is killing my back." Animals-Insects

#1191

"I love feeding stray cats.... To my dog." Animals-Insects

#1192

"I bought a German Shepherd the other day to protect my home from burglars... He isn't very good though, I got burgled last night while he was flocking the sheep." Animals-Insects

#1193

Why are the slender protuberances from eukaryotic cells more comical than the flagella found on prokaryotic cells? Because the former are cilia! (In reality, they are not "sillier" and are, if anything, more motile due to sinusoidal undulations!!). Animals-Insects

#1194

"A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish.......... imagine what he'd do for some chips!?" Animals-Insects

#1195

"My dog likes it when I speak on his behalf. Yes he does! Yes he does" Animals-Insects

#1196

"Fox mauls twins in bed. Where's Derrick Bird with his gun when you need him........Boom Boom." Animals-Insects

#1197

"What's black, white and red all over? Half a badger" Animals-Insects

#1198

"What's the worst thing about going on safari? Knowing you wasted your money on an iMac." Animals-Insects

#1199

"Dogs Trust never put a healthy dog down so what do they do if they've got a cold?" Animals-Insects

#1200

"Does anyone know how long you can leave a chicken in a freezer? I put it in last night, and this morning it was dead..." Animals-Insects

#1201

It took me an hour to bury my cat, it wouldn't stop moving. Animals-Insects

#1202

I just saw a bird versus squirrel fight. A car won. Animals-Insects

#1203

"I took my pet pig to the vet's today. Turns out he has pulled a hamstring." Animals-Insects

#1204

So many cats, not enough recipes Animals-Insects

#1205

When I was a kid my mum used to puke in my mouth and make me eat it. Then again I am a penguin. Animals-Insects

#1206

"I shaved a hedgehog today... It was pointless." Animals-Insects

#1207

The only sound Animals should make is sizzle. Animals-Insects

#1208

"I gave an ant a 7UP bottle lid to use as a boat to sail across a puddle. It's Cap-sized." Animals-Insects

#1209

"Today I played fetch with my cat, it was great fun. Every time I threw him, my dog brought him back." Animals-Insects

#1210

"After 5 long years working at the zoo taking care of the koalas I finally applied for promotion to look after the elephants. Sadly though, I didn't the job. Apparently my koalifications were irrelephant for the job." Animals-Insects

#1211

Are seals just dog mermaids? Animals-Insects

#1212

"What's the Difference between "Beer Nuts" and "Deer Nuts"? "Beer Nuts" are a dollar twenty-five and "Deer Nuts" are under a buck." Animals-Insects

#1213

"I always cry when I chop an onion. Unlike kittens." Animals-Insects

#1214

"A German cat gave birth to 6 kittens. 5 of them were all healthy, but one was stillborn. The healthy kittens will have nine lives, while the stillborn kitten will have nine lives" Animals-Insects

#1215

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give a fish a man and it will eat off him for weeks. Animals-Insects

#1216

"I found a hornet in my car. I'm going kerb crawling tonight to test it out." Animals-Insects

#1217

"I took my dog to the vets and said, "can you sort my dog out, it's bitten my wife, she's okay though, just a small scratch on her neck." "Do you want me to destroy it, sir?" "No!!", I said, "can you sharpen its teeth so it kills her next time!?"" Animals-Insects

#1218

Scientists have found a spider that has been trapped for 49 million years. I didn't know dinosaurs had bath tubs. Animals-Insects

#1219

"I just got an angry email from the local paper after I tried to publish a notice in the lost and found section: FOUND - Somebody's pet Budgie, it's blue with a yellow beak, what it lacks in zest it makes up for in its functionality as a bookmark." Animals-Insects

#1220

"I was milking some cows today. I got most of their money before they noticed the cards were marked." Animals-Insects

#1221

"I walked up to a woman feeding ducks in the park. "Excuse me, but is that not a bit weird?" I asked. "No, why would it be?" she replied. "Because normal people use bread, not breast milk."" Animals-Insects

#1222

"One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..." The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..." The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."" Animals-Insects

#1223

"While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a 50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. "I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained." Animals-Insects

#1224

"What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef" Animals-Insects

#1225

"I think it's unacceptable to mix races. You never see Horses and Dogs racing in one race do you." Animals-Insects

#1226

The vet said to the Irish dairy farmer "I'm sorry, it's bad news. All your cows have Blue Tongue. The farmer replies "Bejaysus....I didn't even know they had mobiles!" Animals-Insects

#1227

There's no such thing as an 'ok' crocodile wrestler Animals-Insects

#1228

The wife told me over breakfast that she has invented a shower gel for pigs. I said "hogwash"? Animals-Insects

#1229

Daniel Radcliffe has said to Wagner that it would be awesome to have a pet lion. So are dragons, winged horses, three headed dogs and werewolves pretty basic then? Animals-Insects

#1230

"The wife has just threw 2 Chickens a Turkey and a Duck at me. I'm in a fowl mood now!" Animals-Insects

#1231

"How do you find a Foxhole?? Lift its Tail Up..." Animals-Insects

#1232

"Water ship down. You've watched the film you've read the book now eat the stew" Animals-Insects

#1233

Alright everyone the cows have come home, you can stop what you're doing... Animals-Insects

#1234

"I dreamt I was being eaten by a cat last night. Must have been Freddy Cougar" Animals-Insects

#1235

"A unicorn and a Cyclops... Now that's and accident waiting to happen." Animals-Insects

#1236

"My wife's ran off with a giraffe... I probably shouldn't have mentioned that they have a 21 inch tongue." Animals-Insects

#1237

Wasn't allowed to join the x men because they said i needed more than just my bear hands!!! Animals-Insects

#1238

What separates us from the Animals??.... Fences Animals-Insects

#1239

Really sad about my Dalmatian dying, oh well, at least the house is spotless now. Animals-Insects

#1240

Pedophiles ruin it for innocent van drivers who really DID lose their dog. Animals-Insects

#1241

"My wife just called me a dog. I feel like fetching a stick and beating...Hang on." Animals-Insects

#1242

"Lionel Ritchie was recently given a lifetime ban from Sea World. He was caught dancing on the sea lions." Animals-Insects

#1243

"Men are like dog whistles...... Blow and we'll come." Animals-Insects

#1244

"I've got something that turns on all women. My American pit bull terrier." Animals-Insects

#1245

"I've just ripped out a pig's vocal chords with my bare hands. It appears to be disgruntled." Animals-Insects

#1246

"Two police dogs die from overheating after being left in a car - Sentenced to be decided. They may want to look at a similar case of a black dog being locked in the boot of a car and surviving around Christmas time, that got that guy 8 yrs." Animals-Insects

#1247

"I went to one of those violent bull fights in Spain, and I can honestly say I've never been so appalled in my life. My seat cost a fortune and was so far back I could barely see the cows get stabbed." Animals-Insects

#1248

"I went swimming with dolphins last week. It was really moving. Made a direct hit with my harpoon really difficult." Animals-Insects

#1249

"My doctor just told me I can't get Cat AIDS... I wish I'd known that before...I could have saved a fortune on condoms" Animals-Insects

#1250

"A British woman who went to a Thai nature resort to conquer her fear of monkeys has been savaged by a pack of macaques not really a joke, just made me laugh" Animals-Insects

#1251

""Warning as Boa Constrictor Goes on the Loose" Elsewhere, poisonous spider goes on the anti-venom" Animals-Insects

#1252

"What do giraffes have that no other animal has? Baby giraffes." Animals-Insects

#1253

Why slaughter and incinerate livestock with foot and mouth disease when they could instead be redeployed to clear the world's mine fields? Animals-Insects

#1254

Wasps: They are just WannaBees. Animals-Insects

#1255

"What noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster!" Animals-Insects

#1256

I was in the jungle and got attacked by a snake. It bit me and I fell to the ground. Luckily there was a ladder around the next corner Animals-Insects

#1257

I treated my dog for ticks a week ago and it hasn't worked, his nose still twitches. Animals-Insects

#1258

"What do you get when you cross a cow with an Arab? Milk Sheikh" Animals-Insects

#1259

"I'm not being paranoid but there's 5 Peruvian Owls standing on my garden fence, watching me through my kitchen window. I'm sure they're Inca hoots!" Animals-Insects

#1260

"My horse is pretty useless. It suffers from hay fever." Animals-Insects

#1261

"Wow! I've just found out that my dog can talk, I said "what's that tree made out of boy?" "Bark!" He yelped." Animals-Insects

#1262

"I own one of the world's smallest farms. All I've got is one fat cow, one lazy pig, one old dog and my wife. And they're all in the same body." Animals-Insects

#1263

"I like putting sock and boots on my feet when I go to bed my wife hates it though, she's allergic to cats" Animals-Insects

#1264

"The other day, I felt like a chicken. So I crossed the road and went to KFC." Animals-Insects

#1265

"True story. A few years back I was being driven down to Wales with my girlfriend by her Father and his new girlfriend, who was the only other English person in the car. "Look over there", said her dad, "the sheep are being sheared". My reply of "Why, is there a dinner dance tonight?" only made one person laugh, but that was enough for me." Animals-Insects

#1266

"My wife has just text me to say that she's bought a Siamese Cat. I can't wait to get home and see it. I've never seen a cat with 2 heads before." Animals-Insects

#1267

"What do you call a sleeping fish? A Kipper" Animals-Insects

#1268

"What's the fastest animal in the world? A hamster if you throw it hard enough!" Animals-Insects

#1269

"When I said to my dog "play dead" I didn't expect him to jump in front of the next lorry" Animals-Insects

#1270

"I saw that movie where Mel Gibson has his hand up a beaver the whole time. I think it was called 'what women want'." Animals-Insects

#1271

"An Englishman, a Scottish man and an Irishman all go for a job at a pet shop. The interviewer tells all three that they can have a job if they can sing a song that includes a dog in the lyrics. The Englishman sings "How much is that Doggy in the window", the Scottiight. ..... Scooby doo be doo be doo.."" Animals-Insectsshman sings "You ain't nothing' but a hound dog" , and Paddy sings "Strangers in the n

#1272

"I took my Bulldog to a dog handler the other day. He's much easier to pick up now." Animals-Insects

#1273

"A rabbit, a fox and a bear are notified that they are to be conscripted into the Animal Army but, as pacifists, they agree they do not want any part in the military and start looking for solutions. "I can bite off my own tail," says the fox. "They won't want a fox with no tail." So the fox bites off his lovely bushy tail, goes to the conscription center and comes back with his rejection slip. "OK," says the rabbit, "bite my ears off. They won't want a rabbit with no ears." So the fox bites off the rabbit's ears, the rabbit goes to the conscription center and also comes back with a rejection slip. Then it's the bear's turn and the fox suggests they knock out all of his teeth with a stone, as the Animal Army certainly won't want a bear with no teeth. So they knock out all the bear's teeth, the bear goes to the conscription Centre and also comes back with a rejection slip, but looks a bit depressed. "See," says the fox. "I told you they wouldn't take a bear with no teeth." "Yet," says the bear, "but they rejected me because I'm too fat."" Animals-Insects

#1274

"I love a good game of 'Hungry Hippos'. But I had to stop playing when I lost my job at the zoo after 3 of them starved to death." Animals-Insects

#1275

"Why do fish swim in salty water? Because pepper makes them sneeze" Animals-Insects

#1276

"Some moron started shouting at me to find out if I'd heard of elephants! I thought "of course I have", shortly before I was trampled by a herd of elephants." Animals-Insects

#1277

"Two snakes are in the middle of a forest. The first one says "Hey are we poisonous?" The second snake says "I don't know, why?" "I just bit my tongue."" Animals-Insects

#1278

"What do you call a nice smelling Insect. A Deodar Ant" Animals-Insects

#1279

"A chameleon walks into a bar ... And never got served." Animals-Insects

#1280

"I told my boyfriend we're about to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet. He said "What, you mean you're pregnant?". I said "No, I've just super glued the hamsters 'tail to its wheel"." Animals-Insects

#1281

"'A Dogs just not for Christmas.' Unfortunately doggie with my wife is." Animals-Insects

#1282

Just reading a new book on big wild cats called Tiger Attack, by Claude Tobitz Animals-Insects

#1283

"What do you get if you cross a zebra with a paki? Run over by me in my lorry." Animals-Insects

#1284

"My dogs been missing for a week and I've had to put some posters up. He's blind, got 3 legs, deaf in 1 ear and has aids, answers to the name, lucky." Animals-Insects

#1285

"I'm sure my mate's part chameleon, but he's denied it 'til he's blue in the face. If anything that convinced me even more." Animals-Insects

#1286

"I went in the local shop to buy some treats for my pet beagle. I couldn't believe the price of them... 6.45 for 20 Mayfair!" Animals-Insects

#1287

"I was in tears when my cat had to be put down. I looked into his wide eyes and whispered in his ear; "I love you Piddles, never forget that." I then put him down in his basket and got a few questionable looks from my Family as I plodded off into the kitchen." Animals-Insects

#1288

"I've just adopted a Giant Panda at Edinburgh Zoo. Mind you, I don't think he's going to be happy when he's old enough to realize I'm not his real Dad." Animals-Insects

#1289

"Hold everything!" - training my pet octopus. Animals-Insects

#1290

"I was at a Family dinner and I turned to my wife and said "I think there's an elephant in the room". Apparently that's not an appropriate way to speak about your mother in law." Animals-Insects

#1291

"If moths are attracted to light, why are they nocturnal? Kind of like a pedophile working at a retirement home." Animals-Insects

#1292

"I've taught my pet tortoise, Jerry, to breakdance. I say taught but actually I just put him on his back." Animals-Insects

#1293

"What's yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard." Animals-Insects

#1294

"What's grey? A melted penguin." Animals-Insects

#1295

"I see there was a really fast response after the fox attack on those babies. It's a good thing that the parents didn't cry wolf by mistake." Animals-Insects

#1296

I got a new phone today. It's got less battery life than a KFC chicken. Animals-Insects

#1297

"If cats stray into my garden. I pretend they're Heather Mills. I give them one "Shoo!". Then watch them hop it." Animals-Insects

#1298

Do you think dogs think they have got beards? Animals-Insects

#1299

"What do Pirate Sheep say? Baargh!" Animals-Insects

#1300

"Speaking about the mysterious blackbird incident last week, one resident said: 'Millions, millions fly over every night. You look up at the sky and it's just black." As opposed to every other night when the night sky is bright green." Animals-Insects

#1301

"The vet's amputation ward went into lockdown yesterday. The entire wing was cut off." Animals-Insects

#1302

My girlfriend said she loves me dearly, so I attacked with a pair of antlers and mounted her. Animals-Insects

#1303

"I was talking to a navy seal earlier. I couldn't understand why it was that colour..." Animals-Insects

#1304

"My pet tarantula has a deformed back & real problems walking. I fear it might have spider bifida." Animals-Insects

#1305

"An animal rights protestor came up to me and asked if i liked Animals Only Roasted" Animals-Insects

#1306

""Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a cat" "How long have you felt like this?" "Since I was kitten"" Animals-Insects

#1307

"I think my goldfish is incontinent. His bowl floweth over." Animals-Insects

#1308

The hardest part of owning a dog is telling him he's adopted. Animals-Insects

#1309

"Just found out my cow and goat have been dating. They are in a stable relationship." Animals-Insects

#1310

"Road accidents involving moose have risen by 20% this year in Sweden. I'm not surprised, how you can control a car with a hoof?" Animals-Insects

#1311

"My brother has been off work on full pay for a month now after a cow knocked him off his stool. He's been milking it for all it's worth." Animals-Insects

#1312

"I hate jokes. I've felt that way ever since my fat mother-in-law went to the West Indies of her own accord. And brought back a dog with no nose." Animals-Insects

#1313

"Sky 3, weekdays, at 11am 'Dogs with jobs' Talk about kicking the unemployed when they're down!" Animals-Insects

#1314

""I like your black and white skin, I like your great big udder, but most of all. I like the way you moo"!" Animals-Insects

#1315

"My pet centipede died this morning. I'm really sad, but he was on his last legs." Animals-Insects

#1316

A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. Animals-Insects

#1317

"A termite lands on a fly. The fly says; "Are you a termite" The termite replies; "I might be". "That's the stupidest pun I've ever heard" "Give me a chance man, I just came up with it on the fly"" Animals-Insects

#1318

"I've just seen a midget driving a crane I hope the R.S.P.B don't find out, he might get charged with avian cruelty!" Animals-Insects

#1319

"My new girlfriend was cooking with the meat I got her when she started going off on one, "I haven't seen my cat for hours, and he never goes out." She said frantically, running around kicking and screaming. I think she's making a meal of it." Animals-Insects

#1320

"My pets are very well trained. I throw a ball for my dog and shout "Catch it". Bruno leaps into the air and catches the ball. Meanwhile, Tiddles lays one out in her litter tray!" Animals-Insects

#1321

"Amy Winehouse is dead? No.. Wait.. It's just a neglected horse." Animals-Insects

#1322

"Definition of we know what you are up to Katie Price seen in deep conversation with Kate and Gerry McCann about her upcoming Family holiday to Portugal" Animals-Insects

#1323

"Daily Mirror: Shark Widow: My Agony With all due respect love, you weren't the one who was chewed up and eaten alive by Jaws." Animals-Insects

#1324

"What do you call an alligator who trades on the stock market? An investigator." Animals-Insects

#1325

"What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A Poultry Geist." Animals-Insects

#1326

"What goes "clip"? A one legged horse." Animals-Insects

#1327

I left school with 2 A levels. One in Biology and one in metalwork. Ever since then I've been looking for a cat that needed welding. Animals-Insects

#1328

"What comes in buckets? Elephants" Animals-Insects

#1329

"I can never understand these people that say a dog is 'forever' Even when it goes straight from the wok into the freezer it will only last 3 weeks max." Animals-Insects

#1330

"I just heard about the trainer that survived an attack by a killer whale. You can say what you like about child labour, but they make shoes to last." Animals-Insects

#1331

"My wife told me to have the house spotless before she got home. So I buried her dog Spot in the back garden." Animals-Insects

#1332

"What is yellow and white, and throws itself off the edge of the dining table? A lemming meringue." Animals-Insects

#1333

"Never realized how bad the wasp problem is in Africa. Watching the Confederations cup it sounds like they are everywhere." Animals-Insects

#1334

Wasps - The Pakis of the insect world! Animals-Insects

#1335

"I went down to the new local shop which lets you trade in your beautiful winged Insects in exchange for Caucasian males. It's called pretty Fly for a white guy" Animals-Insects

#1336

Difference between man and Animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our genitals.......We have others do it for us. Animals-Insects

#1337

"Breaking News: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attacks Octopus Paul I bet Paul saw this coming." Animals-Insects

#1338

"Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he isn't a chicken" Animals-Insects

#1339

I was reading my newspaper when my parrot said to me "Why are you staring at the carpet?" Animals-Insects

#1340

"What's the Difference between a weasel and a stoat? One's easily recognized - the other's totally different" Animals-Insects

#1341

"My pet lizard leaned back onto his hind legs earlier and told a really good joke. He's a stand up chameleon." Animals-Insects

#1342

"My friends planning on teaching all crabs a new unique way to walk now that would be a step forward." Animals-Insects

#1343

"My dog has just bitten my disabled son. That's it, once this one's gone, no more kids for me!" Animals-Insects

#1344

Apparently the Black Rhino is more dangerous than the White Rhino. Well there's a surprise! Animals-Insects

#1345

"I slept at the wheel last night... I don't know how hamsters do it." Animals-Insects

#1346

I'm trying to build up the courage today to tell my pets they are adopted Animals-Insects

#1347

"The police really are racist; they've just arrested a Panda under suspicion of killing that 17 year old boy in Norway." Animals-Insects

#1348

"I was with my dog on the high street earlier when this woman came up and said "What a beautiful Labrador" I couldn't see it myself" Animals-Insects

#1349

"What do you get when you mix a spider with a shoe? A shoe." Animals-Insects

#1350

"I heard that chickens actually descended from dinosaurs. They must've had fun sliding down its tail." Animals-Insects

#1351

"Why couldn't the Viper viper Nose?. Because the Adder adder Handkerchief." Animals-Insects

#1352

"I have a Husky voice. I was raised by dogs in Alaska." Animals-Insects

#1353

A true test of whether the octopus really is a psychic would be to give him a prediction that's lower than 50/50 odds. Animals-Insects

#1354

"In the mind of the dog: The humans offer me food, love and shelter. They must be my gods.

In the mind of the cat: The humans offer me food love and shelter. I must be their gods." Animals-Insects

#1355

"What do you call a cow's moustache? A moustache" Animals-Insects

#1356

"Sat on the table in the works canteen someone said, "What do you make of all these birds dropping from the sky?" "Rohypnol??" I volunteered. There was a deadly silence. ... "Ahh! Not those type of birds then"." Animals-Insects

#1357

"My six year old son has been begging me for months to buy him Angry Birds. He'll be in for a treat when he comes home to find the ostriches I've caged up in his room." Animals-Insects

#1358

"How do lions like their steaks? Roar" Animals-Insects

#1359

Head Lice: They're living on the fringes of society. Animals-Insects

#1360

"Amy Winehouse's boyfriend is in hiding since waking up next to her. He's convinced the Mafia are after him." Animals-Insects

#1361

'Appearances Can Be Deceiving' said my fortune cookie message; then I realized I'd cracked open a snail. Animals-Insects

#1362

"My wife wanted to name our new dog 'On'. So I called it off." Animals-Insects

#1363

"My neighbor came banging on my door earlier. "Ere!" he said. "Your cat has been peeing in my rhubarb." "Not to worry mate, it's only a bit of water." "That's not the point. I was having it with custard at the time."" Animals-Insects

#1364

A bird in the hand may well be worth two in the bush, but it makes blowing your nose very difficult. Animals-Insects

#1365

People claim that cats hate water but I think my cat loves it, because I threw her in the swimming pool a week ago. I mean she must have loved it because she still hasn't come out. Animals-Insects

#1366

"My turtle ran away last month. He's barely past the driveway." Animals-Insects

#1367

It's so hot I just saw a bird pick up a worm with an oven glove!! Animals-Insects

#1368

"Whenever I say, "Women have the brain size of Squirrels", they get really annoyed. Who knew Squirrels were so sensitive?" Animals-Insects

#1369

"I struck lucky in the casino last night.. Apparently that's 'animal cruelty' according to Geoff from security" Animals-Insects

#1370

"If only Africa had more Mosquito nets. Then every year we could save millions of mosquitos from dyeing needlessly from AIDs" Animals-Insects

#1371

"I don't like cats with two different colored eyes. They remind me of cats with same colored eyes, and I don't like cats." Animals-Insects

#1372

"I felt like having a sing today, but as soon as I got into it, my wife yelled at me to get the cat out of the blender. So I did. Then I started singing again." Animals-Insects

#1373

Scrambled eggs does sound a lot more appetizing that crushed chicken's periods. Animals-Insects

#1374

"A guy tried to sell me 5 legs of venison for 100. I told him it was too much do." Animals-Insects

#1375

I'll install a bird bath in my garden when the birds install a hot tub on my balcony. Animals-Insects

#1376

"I've got the memory of a goldfish. Its name was Bubbles and he was my first pet." Animals-Insects

#1377

"How did the Zebra get his stripes? He rescued four men while under mortar fire." Animals-Insects

#1378

"I just put a small Afro on my ear. My girlfriend ran away screaming. She hates earwigs." Animals-Insects

#1379

"Why do birds fly in circles over Bradford? The poor things have use one wing to hold their noses." Animals-Insects

#1380

"I make my own fun. Like today, I'm sitting on the sofa, my dog's licking himself, and I'm touching myself. We catch each other's eyes, we both start laughing!" Animals-Insects

#1381

"As the bad guy ran away, I took out my Colt, levelled it, took careful aim and squeezed. 'Neigh!'" Animals-Insects

#1382

Stroke my coat. You've pulled a cat. Animals-Insects

#1383

"I knew I shouldn't have adopted those two pandas, they're eating me out of house and home! I also shouldn't have built my house out of bamboo." Animals-Insects

#1384

"As if my job as a zookeeper wasn't stressful enough, now the Emperor Penguins are trying to turn me to the dark side!" Animals-Insects

#1385

Just took a video of an angry lion... was some roar footage Animals-Insects

#1386

"I was washing the car this morning when my wife shouted, "Mind the cat, he doesn't like water." He likes pressure washers even less now." Animals-Insects

#1387

My dog loves me, but I'm pretty sure if I dropped dead at home, he'd chew my face off the minute he got hungry. Animals-Insects

#1388

""My dog took first prize at the bird show!" "How?!" "He ate the prize canary..."" Animals-Insects

#1389

"Really happened: My daughter wanted a nameplate for her rabbit's hutch. The woman in the shop asked, "What's your little rabbit's name?" My daughter said, "I haven't a clue, but I call him Philip!" --------------------- Worth a thought isn't it?" Animals-Insects

#1390

"I've just been fired from my job feeding the fish at SeaWorld..... Apparently I wasn't serving a Porpoise??" Animals-Insects

#1391

"I'd never written a joke about a Pig before. But now I've penned one." Animals-Insects

#1392

"I've just seen this headline: 'Man Kills Hamster in Microwave'. Bing." Animals-Insects

#1393

I asked for chicken drummers, and I was given pieces of chicken in breadcrumbs? Where are the feathery musicians I requested? Animals-Insects

#1394

How do Llamas wake up in the morning? with an allama clock Animals-Insects

#1395

"The BBC is bringing out a new series of One Man and His Dog but it's only going to be for the Welsh viewers... It's called "One Man and His Pimp."" Animals-Insects

#1396

"I went coursing with my dog, Alopecia, today. She came back after 3 hours. Still no hare." Animals-Insects

#1397

"What's about 7 inches long a little bit furry usually only comes out at night and likes my girlfriend? My new hamster" Animals-Insects

#1398

"I got into a fight in the vets waiting room today when my badger bit someone. I got a cut above my eye and a fat lip, but you should see the otter guy." Animals-Insects

#1399

"Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."" Animals-Insects

#1400

"My mate spends all his time in the garden and really has green fingers! He's a frog." Animals-Insects

#1401

I wonder if camels ever look down at their toes and think "oh my god that looks like a...?" Animals-Insects

#1402

"My cat keeps beating me at Pac Man. To be fair, he did start with 9 lives." Animals-Insects

#1403

"I went to London and got myself a turtleneck the other day. And a life-time ban from Sea Life." Animals-Insects

#1404

"Did anyone see the Cat on the pitch at Afield? It was only on for three minutes and went past more people than StewArt Downing has all season." Animals-Insects

#1405

"In mediaeval times, horses that died in battle were taken to the taxidermist. It was the stuff of knight mares" Animals-Insects

#1406

"My dog's getting slow in his old age. He's just brought me yesterday's newspaper." Animals-Insects

#1407

"My mate's made a 'Dog Grooming video Guide'. It looks pretty good, he's just shown me a clip." Animals-Insects

#1408

"My dog can talk. Last night I asked him what 2 minus 2 was & he said nothing." Animals-Insects

#1409

My dog is my best friend. How sad does that make my social life? Animals-Insects

#1410

"I planted some explosives in a male cow today. It was Abominabull." Animals-Insects

#1411

"My Wife got our son a Dalmatian puppy for his birthday. It has been yapping for a week and keeping me up at night. so I kicked it across the room.....That hit the spot." Animals-Insects

#1412

"Why did the squirrel scream? Because somebody pinched his nuts" Animals-Insects

#1413

"BBC News- Body parts found in shark. What else do they think a shark is made from?" Animals-Insects

#1414

"What do you call a monkey that flies? A hot air baboon." Animals-Insects

#1415

"I'm a hunt saboteur... I like to walk round the countryside shooting foxes." Animals-Insects

#1416

"My mum always told me that eating carrots would make me able to see in the dark Which made the night my pet rabbit escaped and fell into the garbage disposal all the more crushing" Animals-Insects

#1417

"I went to see Deaf Leopard today. "Shout all you want, it won't hear you!" Said the angry zoo keeper." Animals-Insects

#1418

Earwigs: For people who can't grow their own ear hair. Animals-Insects

#1419

"My granddad once killed a lion with one hand. It had paws on its other legs though." Animals-Insects

#1420

"News: Cat killed by sniper. I guess putting them in bins got boring" Animals-Insects

#1421

"BBC News: Bear Kills 'UK Tourist in Norway' Does anyone else think these Norwegians are getting a bit desperate for attention?" Animals-Insects

#1422

"My daughter screamed as she found blood in the toilet, It's funny, I thought 8 flushes would have shifted a rabbit..." Animals-Insects

#1423

"I saw a dead fox lying at the side of the road earlier. It was disgusting. Probably should've cooked it first..." Animals-Insects

#1424

"Bulls: They're like cows, you just have to work harder to get their milk out." Animals-Insects

#1425

"Me and my wife were like 2 wild Animals last night. She went for food while I ate the Children." Animals-Insects

#1426

Chameleons: What are they hiding? Animals-Insects

#1427

"I lined my travelling trunk with cocaine in a bid to get through customs. How was I to know that taking an elephant through an airport would draw so much attention." Animals-Insects

#1428

"My friend showed me the fish at the bottom of his garden. One of them fluttered its eyelashes at me, then quickly swum away. I think it was a little coy." Animals-Insects

#1429

"What bird gets out of breath easily? A puffin!" Animals-Insects

#1430

You know you are getting desperate when you start looking at the dog in a different way. Animals-Insects

#1431

"The "Black Mamba", One of Africa's most dangerous and feared snakes. Surprise, Surprise" Animals-Insects

#1432

"I went down on my missus last night and I've had a hair stuck in my teeth all day. I finally got it out during the lunch break at work and we've decided to keep it as the office pet." Animals-Insects

#1433

"What animal is best at brading female pubic hair? Platypus." Animals-Insects

#1434

"What do you call an adolescent rabbit? A Pubic Hair" Animals-Insects

#1435

"There are two things you should always carry. 1) A small bottle of Whiskey in case of snakebite. 2) A snake." Animals-Insects

#1436

"There was a man walking in the desert. He didn't know where he was, and all around him was just sand, and he couldn't see anything else apart from the sun and the sand dunes. Puzzled, the man started walking. He walked for a mile and saw a single Cricket Ball lying on the ground. A smile was on the man's face as he said, "Great! If there's a Cricket Ball here then I must be Close to somewhere! You don't just find a random Cricket Ball in the desert!" The man was really happy so he walked another mile and found another Cricket Ball. "Wow," he said, "I must be on the right track! I'm getting closer..." The man walked for another mile and looked on the ground to find a castrated cricket." Animals-Insects

#1437

"Why do foxes have fur coats? Because they'd look stupid in anoraks." Animals-Insects

#1438

"I've just started a business which is a rat and mouse washing service. It's going great... All our customers are squeaky clean" Animals-Insects

#1439

My mate says that he's a rabbit carver, not a rabbit butcher. Personally, I think he's just splitting hares. Animals-Insects

#1440

If those Monkeys at London zoo had any sense they would have made a run for it over the last few nights, be virtually impossible to track them down. Animals-Insects

#1441

"I've got a border collie. He only comes home in the school holidays." Animals-Insects

#1442

A dog isn't just for Christmas, put a nice pair of rabbit ears on its head and it can also make a great novelty pet for Easter too. Animals-Insects

#1443

"I took a tablet earlier that made me turn green and grow wings. I think it was a Parakeetamol." Animals-Insects

#1444 "Horse racing is one of the most immoral sports around and should be banned immediately. I mean strapping midgets to horses is just inhumane." Animals-Insects

#1445

"Two worms stood in a cue. One says "Can you smell wood?"" Animals-Insects

#1446

"As a farmer, I really hate people who steal my Animals. They really get my goat." Animals-Insects

#1447

"I make my dog work for his treats. R.I.P Rover, that conservatory job was just too much for you." Animals-Insects

#1448

"My son recently saw a beautiful dog, Jack, for sale, and asked if we would be able to buy it. I said that we don't have enough room for in the house for him. Oh well, maybe his new foster parents will buy him a dog, who knows?" Animals-Insects

#1449

"I was driving through a safari park the other day and the baboons broke both wing-mirrors, scratched the paint and pulled the wipers off. I was furious. The cheeky git of a taxi driver tried to charge me extra for the damage." Animals-Insects

#1450

"I went to the pet shop to buy a Chinchilla. Terrible idea, if anything it's made my face even warmer." Animals-Insects

#1451

"What do you call a Horse with Three Legs? A Reliant Dobbin." Animals-Insects

#1452

"My granddad used to keep a pet goldfish in his head. He loved that fish, you could see it in his eyes." Animals-Insects

#1453

"What do you get from a nervous cow? Milkshakes." Animals-Insects

#1454

when confronted by a lion, bear or tiger in the wild always stroke them in the direction their fur lies, never stroke against the nap as they don't like that Animals-Insects

#1455

I got thrown out of the local zoo last week for repeatedly beating their endangered Panda cubs with a metal chair. They said I misinterpreted the sign next to the enclosure saying, 'support the WWF'... apparently it's the WWE now. Animals-Insects

#1456

"What do you call the leader of the worms? Master Bait" Animals-Insects

#1457

"I remember years ago, waking up really early on Christmas day, running down stairs, ripping open one of my presents... But unfortunately it was a puppy." Animals-Insects

#1458

"I joined a line of people outside the taxidermists. An animal rights activist approached and said, "What's going on?" I said, "Fur queue." He said, "There's no need to be rude."" Animals-Insects

#1459

"Where do you find a rabbit hole? Under its tail." Animals-Insects

#1460

"I've finally figured out a way to get my dog to do as I tell him... I tell him to do what he wants." Animals-Insects

#1461

Dogs smell, drool, constantly want fed and always have the urge to hump things...... No wonder they're man's best friend. Animals-Insects

#1462

My pet mouse only responds when I refer to him as a mouse. I don't tell anyone his real name as he would prefer to remain a non-e mouse Animals-Insects

#1463

"I had a go on one of those stalls where you shoot a duck over and you get a prize. I noticed if you aim the gun at the guy running the stall, you get ALL the prizes." Animals-Insects

#1464

"When I was younger my mum came home to find my hamster was dead. Not wanting me to get upset she ran down to the pet shop and got a new one that was very similar, hoping that I wouldn't notice... But I did, and I killed that one too..." Animals-Insects

#1465

"I love my new job as an animal trainer. I'm currently teaching young crows. They're battling with the alphabet though. They can't grasp the concept of going from A to B." Animals-Insects

#1466

"I had a look at a rambling guide yesterday. I was quite surprised by it really, I didn't realize you could get jewelry for sheep." Animals-Insects

#1467

"My Grandad was killed by a load of baby eels Elver way to go" Animals-Insects

#1468

"Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? To look for a tight seal." Animals-Insects

#1469

"So Police are set to reopen the Amy Winehouse investigation into her death? Can't they just let sleeping dogs lie" Animals-Insects

#1470

"What kind of Sandals do Frogs wear? Open Toad." Animals-Insects

#1471

"Just dished up some food for the dog. Some lettuce and tomato with his usual tinned dog food. I like to call it a Ceaser salad." Animals-Insects

#1472

"I was fingering these two blonde chicks but I had to stop... they started pecking me." Animals-Insects

#1473

"My bird has started to smell really bad lately. I had to buy him some dove deodorant." Animals-Insects

#1474

""That zebra you sold me is fake!" Shouted the owner of the zoo. "Well spotted." I admitted." Animals-Insects

#1475

A two-year-old American boy has been killed by pitbulls after opening his garage door for them. Understandably, the world is shocked, and asking itself the same question: how on earth did a two-year-old open a garage door? Animals-Insects

#1476

"I took the liberty of milking my mates' cow the other day. She took a while to start but made about a cupful of milk. I tasted some and it tasted good and fresh. After I finished the cup my mate woke up and I told him how nice his cow's milk was. That's when he told me he had a bull." Animals-Insects

#1477

"A vet told me today that my fish has got cancer. I'm gutted, and now so is he. It was either that or Nemotheropy and I didn't want to see him suffer." Animals-Insects

#1478

"What's extremely dangerous and swings through the trees? A monkey with a shotgun" Animals-Insects

#1479

In a way, when I sold my parrot it was as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Animals-Insects

#1480

"I've just seen an advert for 'Dog trainers' in the paper... i can't get mine to wear a collar, let alone sportswear." Animals-Insects

#1481

There are so many animal rights activists around nowadays. You can't even swing a dead cat without hitting one. Animals-Insects

#1482

"We surveyed 100 cats! We asked them if they preferred kitykat or paws cat food! Results show that 100% of cats surveyed can't understand or speak English!" Animals-Insects

#1483

"UK scientists have found a new species of squirrel which are black. They are reported to be more aggressive and violent than regular squirrels. Funny that..." Animals-Insects

#1484

"Why did the farmer put pink cowboy hats on his chickens? It was hen night." Animals-Insects

#1485

If you're ever discussing facts about your Manx cat with anyone, remember, it's all about the detail. Animals-Insects

#1486

"I spotted a golden retriever this morning... I've always preferred Dalmatians." Animals-Insects

#1487

"My pet wasp died today. If anybody would like to pay their respects, the body will be in the cake shop window from 9am tomorrow." Animals-Insects

#1488

"Before I dump my load into our pet dog, I like to reach around and bring him off first. Pets at Home. Where pets come first" Animals-Insects

#1489

"Sometimes when I cut my toe nails I like to leave them all over the room. Just in case bugs need to use them as swords when they're at war." Animals-Insects

#1490

"I had a terrible first day running my new store, the stock flew off the shelves. I should probably get bird cages for my pet shop." Animals-Insects

#1491

Animal rights activists never do more than one thing at a time. They don't want to kill two birds with one stone. Animals-Insects

#1492

"What do you call a dog who starts bringing dead birds home? A copycat." Animals-Insects

#1493

I'm trying my best to shake this annoying bird who keeps tweeting me. Animals-Insects

#1494

The government is now saying that all dogs will have to be chipped. A spokesman for the Korean community said that this was great news Animals-Insects

#1495

"I love freebees. Good thing the keeper next door had a heart attack." Animals-Insects

#1496

"I call my dog Herpes. He just won't heel." Animals-Insects

#1497

"I was sitting in the park with my girlfriend watching the sun go down, when my mate came walking over with a cheeky smile on his face. "You two lovebirds." he laughed. I said, "Indeed, our favorite is the Greenfinch."" Animals-Insects

#1498

"A guy in the pub said he would buy me drinks all night, if I could make his dog do what I told it to. So I threw it on the fire and shouted, "Get off"." Animals-Insects

#1499

Why is there no mouse flavored cat food? Animals-Insects

#1500

"A giraffe sleeps for less than two hours a day. This is because their long necks allow them to get at the cocaine other browsing Animals cannot reach." Animals-Insects

#1501

"I was once debating about animal testing with someone who claimed it was their responsibility to 'give a voice to the voiceless'. So I guess parrots are fair game." Animals-Insects

#1502

A mouse walks into a music shop and asks the shopkeeper for a mouth organ. The shopkeeper says "That's strange you're the second mouse in here this morning asking for a mouth organ" The mouse replied Yeah - That's probably our Monica!!!! Animals-Insects

#1503

Apparently there's something offensive about snakes. My pet snake, was born with only one eye (unfortunately), and when I ask people if they want to see my 'one eyed snake' I get these disgusting looks off them. Animals-Insects

#1504

"A giraffe walks into a bar. The barman says, "You've got some neck coming in here."" Animals-Insects

#1505

"My cat got spayed today. Now all she needs is a bucket and we can go to the beach." Animals-Insects

#1506

I have just seen an endangered large bird fly into a house and kill itself.......Stupid Bustard! Animals-Insects

#1507

"I convinced a mate of mine that he was part of an octopus's arm.. Sucker.." Animals-Insects

#1508

"My dog's got a hand growing where his tail should be. He keeps wagging his finger at me - so is he happy or cross?" Animals-Insects

#1509

"Bob goes to the dog's home and asks the guy in charge: "That big Alsatian there looks friendly, but does he like small Children?" "He loves 'em," says the guy, "but it'd be a lot cheaper to buy him proper dog food."" Animals-Insects

#1510

"My mate asked my Advice on which dogs are best to take on a duck shoot. I gave him a couple of pointers." Animals-Insects

#1511

Snakes like to chew Wrigley's Animals-Insects

#1512

My pet Rabbit has been very ill recently, but it's getting better. He's recovering in leaps and bounds. Animals-Insects

#1513

"As I jumped onto the back of the motorbike, it made a loud roaring noise and shot off down the street. Everyone was staring open-mouthed and I could just tell they were all thinking how cool I looked in my leathers. But then I lost control and was headed right for a pedestrian. The bike threw me off, and carried on right into him, before ripping his leg off and eating it. Looking back, it might have been a lion..." Animals-Insects

#1514

With jobs thin on the ground, I took a risk and had a go at elephant poaching. There were some surprised faces when I turned up for work with a 2,000 gallon drum of boiling water and a 40-foot slotted spoon. Animals-Insects

#1515

"I don't know why the kids and wife were so upset. I though naming our new dog 'Emergency Food Supply' was very appropriate." Animals-Insects

#1516

""My new boyfriends just like a panda" "What - he eats, shoots & leaves?" "No, he's fat and sterile."" Animals-Insects

#1517

"I spilt some Mr Muscle Descaler last week and my pet snake slithered right through it. I don't have a pet snake anymore, more a big chubby worm :(" Animals-Insects

#1518

"I can't really blame pandas for not mating with each other. It must be weird doing it with someone who looks just like you." Animals-Insects

#1519

"My girlfriend came running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. "There's a huge spider in there!" She said. "Thanks love, I'll remember to knock first." I replied." Animals-Insects

#1520

"My girlfriend won two goldfish at the fair last night, so we decided to call them Thelma and Louise. They will most probably be dead by the end of the week." Animals-Insects

#1521

"Why is that when a group of kittens are born they are called a litter? I don't put them all in the bin, sometimes I keep one." Animals-Insects

#1522

"Pets At Home. "Where Pets Come First" Liars." Animals-Insects

#1523

"I saw a badger dead on the road the other week, my mum got really emotional about it, so I told her a joke: "why did the badger cross the road?" "why?" "I don't know, he never got around to telling me why." ba boom." Animals-Insects

#1524

Shark attacks have increased ever since the tuba player was killed. Animals-Insects

#1525

Our town vet once neutered 50 dogs in 10 minutes. We call him the ace of spayed. Animals-Insects

#1526

"I just saw snakes on a plane. And here I was thinking it only happens in movies." Animals-Insects

#1527

"What do epileptic snakes have? Hissy fits." Animals-Insects

#1528

"'...I'm teaching my dog to meow. I think it will help him if he has a second language'." Animals-Insects

#1529

"My pet mouse has just murdered my goldfish. I'm in shock. It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?" Animals-Insects

#1530

"Just walked in the kitchen, my dog was face down, flat out and there was dog food everywhere.

Must have been pedigreed." Animals-Insects

#1531

"What's black and kills people? Panthers." Animals-Insects

#1532

"I've just finished cleaning out my daughter's budgerigar because she didn't want to do it. Well, times are hard and we can't afford chicken." Animals-Insects

#1533

Yesterday I drugged some birds of prey and plucked them, I was just about to put the feathers in the back of my van when I was caught by the police and they arrested me for ill eagle down loading. Animals-Insects

#1534

""It's just a spider, it's more scared of you than you are of it" my Dad told me. Pretty stupid Advice for a housefly." Animals-Insects

#1535

A duck walks into a fish shop and asks if they batter fish because there's one in the pond that keeps bullying him. Animals-Insects

#1536

I'm going to microwave a spider and let it bite me... superpowers here I come! Animals-Insects

#1537

"I had to have my wife's dog put down yesterday, it was the only humane thing to do. There was no way he could have gone on living after the humiliation of being seen in a pink and yellow hoodie." Animals-Insects

#1538

"My wife came storming up to me before 'I'm leaving you because your mind drifts and you never pay attention to anything!' she said. 'what if birds arnt singing their just screaming because their scared of heights?' I replied." Animals-Insects

#1539

"What do you call a pig in an oven? Pork." Animals-Insects

#1540

"So after several attempts of the same experiment, I can safely say Dolphins really aren't so smArt on land." Animals-Insects

#1541

""You've got to have a look at that 'Cats in Bread' website." Said my girlfriend. I thought the one with two tails and no legs was the funniest." Animals-Insects

#1542

All my mates have started calling me spiders because women scream when they see me in their house without realizing that they swallow me 4 times a year whilst they sleep. Animals-Insects

#1543

If you hate cats as much as I do, you'll find that measuring the size of a room can be quite a lot of fun Animals-Insects

#1544

"Why there could never be great black sharks? They would drown instantly." Animals-Insects

#1545

"Found out my Wife is petrified of creepy crawlies the other day, then I thought of an advantage to this..... ...I invested in an ant farm to ring fence the kitchen." Animals-Insects

#1546

Changing weather patterns mean that Animals are going to start to migrate differently. Personally I look forward to seeing Bill Oddie going to do some bird-watching in Norfolk and getting his head ripped off by a puma. Animals-Insects

#1547

"How can you tell if an elephant has been sleeping in your bed?! The sheets are wrinkled and the bed smells of peanuts! How can you tell if a black man has been sleeping in your bed?! Your bedroom window is smashed and your valuables are missing," Animals-Insects

#1548

"I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday, She said "Surprise me with something exotic", So I put a king cobra in her birthday cake!" Animals-Insects

#1549

"My new dog has a cleft palate, but he is highly intelligent, he already knows my name. When I get home he stands at the gate and shouts "Mark, Mark, Mark"" Animals-Insects

#1550

I wonder if dolphins have tattoos of fat chicks on their fins. Animals-Insects

#1551

"A man lost his lower leg when he was attacked by an 18 foot shark. Does this now make it a 19 foot shark?" Animals-Insects

#1552

"The wife thought it was cruel of me to wake the kids so early and make them watch the cricket. But it's just so cool the way it's sliding down the tarantula's throat." Animals-Insects

#1553

"Dogs Trust: Dogs die in hot cars. In other unrelated news, I have sent my wife on a cross desert trip to Tesco." Animals-Insects

#1554

"I have always wanted to walk into an animal hospital with a fur coat on and say "There, sort that lot out!"" Animals-Insects

#1555

"Two owls are sitting in a tree. The first one announces "I'm getting married!" To which the second replies "You twit, to who?!"" Animals-Insects

#1556

"I went out with my mink coat on last night. Some silly cow shouted at me, "Some poor animal died to make that coat." I said, "It's ok sweetheart, this one was dead already."" Animals-Insects

#1557

"Taxidermy. The only job where you can give Animals a good stuffing. And get away with it." Animals-Insects

#1558

The Coroner has removed a horse's head from the flat of Amy Winehouse, unfortunately its still attached to her body Animals-Insects

#1559

I've just checked the cuckoo clocks -they're all tickety boo. Animals-Insects

#1560

"My wife said she is never going to a fancy dress party with me dressed in my wasp outfit ever again. I spent all night trying to get out the window." Animals-Insects

#1561

I've heard that being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep. In a blender. Animals-Insects

#1562

I'd like to see what happens when a shark is on her period. Animals-Insects

#1563

Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets. Animals-Insects

#1564

Got caught falling asleep in school the other day by the headmaster. Apparently, I am no longer allowed to teach anymore. Animals-Insects

#1565

I saw a wasp acting like an Apis mellifera, and thought to myself "it can't bee." Animals-Insects

#1566

"Why did the Gallus gallus domesticus traverse the roadway? Because the agricultural overseer had not correctly maintained his fowl coop perimeter, taking the necessary precautions to avoid a potential escape of his stock which, accompanying the financial inconvenience, could in fact pose a threat to the motor vehicles upon the nearby roadway; also risking the possibility of the public fabricating jokes about the given matter." Animals-Insects

#1567

"Doctor, Doctor. I think I'm a chameleon! Who said that?!" Animals-Insects

#1568

"I invited some mates over for a hog roast the other day. Just as the barbeque was about to be lit, my mate nudged me and said "Dave, I thought you said there was a vegetarian option." I replied, "What do you think the apple in his mouth is for?"" Animals-Insects

#1569

"Trust me never mix skunk with acid. You'll never be allowed back in that zoo again." Animals-Insects

#1570

""Made with dolphin friendly tuna" That's a relief as I really don't like eating nasty tuna." Animals-Insects

#1571

"What's the Difference between me and a horse? About 10 inches." Animals-Insects

#1572

"The dog escaped out of our back garden last week, and when I hadn't found Rusty by dark, I wondered if we'd ever see him again. But I was on the other side of town today, and there he was. He'd made it all the way back to his owner's." Animals-Insects

#1573

"I saw a missing dog poster on a tree today. So I wrote on it, "I ran over him."" Animals-Insects

#1574

"If first you don't succeed. You must be a budgie with teeth." Animals-Insects

#1575

"Why couldn't ants get into Club Doughnut? It was jam packed." Animals-Insects

#1576

"My horse was eating some hay when suddenly it reared back in pain with a needle stuck in its mouth. "Cool", I thought, "those are hard to find."" Animals-Insects

#1577

"I got fined 50 by the local council for feeding the pigeons in the park today. Next time, I think I'll take Weight Watchers bread with me." Animals-Insects

#1578

"So there is a picture on google of Mrs Obama edited to look like a gorilla. Wasn't a very good editor if she looks the same if you ask me." Animals-Insects

#1579

"Looking for your cat? Try my wheel arches." Animals-Insects

#1580

"WSPA: "The amur leopard is so rare, there is hardly any footage of it" Ever heard of YouTube?" Animals-Insects

#1581

"I was searching the web the other day... and I found a spider." Animals-Insects

#1582

"Did you hear about the cheesy sparrows? They don't like my grating." Animals-Insects

#1583

"Where do you find killer whales? Prison." Animals-Insects

#1584

"What has fifty legs and can't walk? Half a centipede." Animals-Insects

#1585

I wish I was a mayfly, then till death do us part wouldn't sound so bad. Animals-Insects

#1586

"Mick Hucknall of Simply Red has been prosecuted for raping a rabbit, Apparently when he was caught he was singing "Holding back the ears" and "Bunnies too tight to mention"" Animals-Insects

#1587

I'm thinking of hiring a S.W.A.T team to fix my fly problem. Animals-Insects

#1588

"The pride of Britain awards are coming up. My money's on the white lions at the West Midlands Safari Park." Animals-Insects

#1589

"The widow of the man killed by a shark has been quoted as saying@ "I'm so proud of my husband - he's wanted to be a comedian for years, now he's made the whole world laugh."" Animals-Insects

#1590

"I don't know why they call them 'Drug Sniffing Dogs'. It's usually more effective the other way around." Animals-Insects

#1591

"I thought I saw a gecko run across my computer screen. Upon closer inspection I realized it wasn't a gecko. It was actually a monitor lizard." Animals-Insects

#1592

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. Animals-Insects

#1593

"A Hedgehog and a Rabbit had a Boxing match earlier. The Hedgehog won on points. Animals-Insects

#1594

"My new girlfriend said she loved her creature comforts. So I skinned her cat and made a lovely hat for her." Animals-Insects

#1595

"Took my dog to the vets because it refused to eat it's food and started eating nothing but veggies. Turns out it's a rabbit." Animals-Insects

#1596

"The wife and I came to blows the other night over angry dolphins. I think we were talking about cross porpoises." Animals-Insects

#1597

"What do you call a pig with Asperger's? Socially pork ward." Animals-Insects

#1598

"Last night I came home drunk and waxed lyrical in front of my girlfriend. Wouldn't be so bad, but 'Lyrical' is her cat." Animals-Insects

#1599

"I just bought a Muzzle for my pet Duck... I hope it fits the Bill." Animals-Insects

#1600

"How do you stop moles from digging up your garden? Hide the spades!" Animals-Insects

#1601

"Things have been strained between me and the wife recently, earlier she said: "Grrrr, rooar, grrrr..." I know things are bad, she's bearly talking to me." Animals-Insects

#1602

"A young man can learn a lot from a dog... Loyalty, obedience and the importance of turning around three times before lying down." Animals-Insects

#1603

"Just found out that my dog could read after leaving him in the Veterinarian's waiting room. The sign said, "Be back in 10 minutes. Sit! Stay!"" Animals-Insects

#1604

"My mate told me if I cut my pet goat's horns off it would become more confident. It didn't work - if anything it's got even more sheepish." Animals-Insects

#1605

"What did the domestically abused fish get for Christmas?

Battered" Animals-Insects

#1606

I bought a lap dog, but I had to get rid of it. Every time I sat on its lap it bit me. Animals-Insects

#1607

"sky news; Man Caught 'Smuggling' Bear Out Of Russia. cant wait to see that episode." Animals-Insects

#1608

"I have two pet hates. Much more fun than having a cat or a dog" Animals-Insects

#1609

"I was sat outside earlier on, in the sunshine, admiring two birds mating in a tree. That tree outside the house has really come in handy since my new lesbian neighbors moved in." Animals-Insects

#1610

I'm worried about my budgie at home, while I've been away he hasn't tweeted once. Animals-Insects

#1611

"Took a trip out to Africa to check out the wildlife. I saw some jaguars, rams, cobras, vipers and beetles. I thought Africa was poor, how come they can afford such flash cars?" Animals-Insects

#1612

My mate told me he has a shed full of geese. I asked him for a gander... Animals-Insects

#1613

"At the weasel fanciers exhibition I thoroughly disgraced myself. Apparently, I'd taken along the wrong breed of animal. *cough*..... I'll get me stoat." Animals-Insects

#1614

"My girlfriend is like a dandelion, beautiful on a summer's eve or on a winter's night. And when I get bored of her i kick her and she goes into the air a few feet." Animals-Insects

#1615

"Paddy and his wife are distraught that their dog has gone missing. After a week his wife, becoming more and more upset, tells Paddy to place a message in the local newspaper, hoping that someone may have spotted him. When Paddy return from his duty, his wife asks; "Well, have you done it?". "Yes" replies Paddy. "Good. What did you put", says his wife. "Here boy", Paddy replies." Animals-Insects

#1616

"Shark attack: 'This was a rogue shark' unlike those friendly ones." Animals-Insects

#1617

Sometimes, I go to the local farm, steal a sheep, cut off its legs and head then pretend I have a fallen cloud in my garden. Animals-Insects

#1618

Spider: Hi! I just finished eating all the flies, keeping away the ants, and drove away the termites.....sure! I'd love to read the paper... Animals-Insects

#1619

You can't keep a good dog down... unless it's been at the pound too long. Animals-Insects

#1620

"Some chavs broke into the local zoo and threw two penguins into the lion enclosure. But don't worry, they couldn't get the wrappers off." Animals-Insects

#1621

Definition. Lamb Shank - The Art of killing sheep Animals-Insects

#1622

"I used to be an avid bird watcher Then I took a sparrow to the knee." Animals-Insects

#1623

"My son just said, "Dad, I've just invented a designer farm animal." I said, "Son, I'm Prada Ewe."" Animals-Insects

#1624

"My kids will never forget the first time I took them to see the pigs, the cows, and sheep. "A farm, you mean" suggested my mate. "No. A slaughter house"." Animals-Insects

#1625

Always by my side protecting me, I love my pet... rock. Animals-Insects

#1626

"Birth control pills designed for humans will also work for a gorilla. The fact that saved me a zoo sponsorship." Animals-Insects

#1627

"I've been doing lots of work on the effects of smoking on monkeys The sole conclusion I've drawn is that they look cooler than the none smoking monkeys." Animals-Insects

#1628

"Great, the local mafia boss just scratched my dog's back. Now he owes him a favour." Animals-Insects

#1629

"I've got twice as many Koi Carp in my pond today. I put it down to the Fish School Stimulus." Animals-Insects

#1630

"Went on safari in Africa, and filmed several wild beasts doing amazing things. Like carrying a huge basket of clothes on their heads for example." Animals-Insects

#1631

"I lost my dog so I sent a tweet on Twitter to try and find him #here boy" Animals-Insects

#1632

"What's the Difference between panda's and ginger? We're trying to stop the panda's dying out." Animals-Insects

#1633

"My next door neighbor has got a sick sense of humor. He chopped up a pig and hid the parts around the garden and made his son search for them. Pork Hunt." Animals-Insects

#1634

FOR SALE, 3 Albino Dalmatian pups......."Spotless" Animals-Insects

#1635

"Scientists have discovered that chickens are closely related to humans I don't agree, I've never had a chicken breast with a nipple." Animals-Insects

#1636

"My wife's dog just came running past with one of my slippers. God knows how he keeps a size 10 on that little paw of his." Animals-Insects

#1637

"It's fun playing football with my rabbit. Although she's not as bouncy as a real football." Animals-Insects

#1638

"Police found a dead kitten, dressed in a little police uniform. They're looking for a copycat killer" Animals-Insects

#1639

""Where's Rover gone again daddy?" asked my little girl. "He's gone to live on a farm darling, where there are lovely big fields he can run around in all day." "That's nice daddy. I'm so happy his legs must have grown back after you squashed them with the car."" Animals-Insects

#1640

"Imagine a female werewolf, once a month she'd turn into a vicious man-eating monster in a blind rage. And then another time in the month she'd turn into a wolf." Animals-Insects

#1641

"They say if you blow in a dog's face that it can't breathe. Mine must be trying to commit suicide with his head outside of my car window." Animals-Insects

#1642

"'Camilla stable after surgery' don't they mean in her stable?" Animals-Insects

#1643

"A horse walks into a bar and asks, "Why the long face?" "What?" asks the confused barman." Animals-Insects

#1644

"Lost my job as a shepherd because I couldn't count the sheep. I kept falling asleep." Animals-Insects

#1645

"My sick dog brings all the bait I need to go fishing with. He's a worm carrier." Animals-Insects

#1646

Did you hear about the blind skunk..... it fell in love with a fart Animals-Insects

#1647

For some reason, I find any animal with hypersensitive hearing really eerie Animals-Insects

#1648

"Behave. The place where posh bees fly to." Animals-Insects

#1649

"Researchers at Bristol University say a breed of blood-sucking ticks has been discovered in the UK. Wait a minute, blood-sucking leeches appearing near the start of April? That's just Inland Revenue!" Animals-Insects

#1650

"The wife's got a new penfriend. Even pigs need someone to play with." Animals-Insects

#1651

I accidently left my lunch in the car today. It`s okay though it was only a couple of hot dogs. Animals-Insects

#1652

"Do you remember the old PG Tips adverts? I've thought about how amusing it would be if they got monkeys to dress up in rappers' clothes and "bling" and "rap" in rap music videos... Oh wait..." Animals-Insects

#1653

I've just bought a load of giant African land snails. I don't want to breed them or anything, I just want to dot them round the garden so the resident hedgehogs think they're in the middle of a wonderful dream. Animals-Insects

#1654

"Whenever I went gambling I always took my lucky goldfish. He would swim around in his little bowl whilst I gambled. He died today so I held a small funeral. Nothing special, I just wrapped him in newspaper with some chips." Animals-Insects

#1655

"I was desperate for the toilet earlier today. I had a little turtle-head popping out. I knew I should have chewed it properly." Animals-Insects

#1656

"My mate got killed by a quadrapalegic last night. I warned him not to pick a fight with a Boa Constrictor." Animals-Insects

#1657

"Come on, I'll help you out of the water. You'll drown otherwise," said the friendly elephant as it placed the fish safely on the tree. Animals-Insects

#1658

"There isn't room to swing a cat in here. Guess I'll go outside and play." Animals-Insects

#1659

"I was devastated to learn that my wife had taken the cat after our divorce. I thought we had a mutual feline." Animals-Insects

#1660

"In recent studies, Shih Tzu dogs are the most likely to attack a person. Maybe if we stopped calling them Shih Tzu's they'd feel a lot calmer." Animals-Insects

#1661

Apparently worms are at their bravest when they're in pears. Animals-Insects

#1662

"I don't see the point in big, ugly Animals with wide mouths and stubby legs. Guess I'm just hypocritical." Animals-Insects

#1663

"Woman on the bus said to me, "Your fly is down." I said, "I know, I'm taking him to see his psychologist."" Animals-Insects

#1664

"I was hiking through the woods when I came face to face with bigfoot. "Do you mind if I fake a photo?" I asked him." Animals-Insects

#1665

"I never knew dogs could be racist. Then I met a sniffer dog." Animals-Insects

#1666

"A man walks into a vet with a dead labrador in his arms. The Vet looks at the dog and says "sorry sir, your dog is dead" "I'd like a second opinion please" says the man laying his beloved animal on the table. "One moment sir" says the vet second vet comes in carrying a cat, he waves the cat over the dog and say "sorry sir, you dog is definitely dead" The man says "look are you sure" "Yes" says the vet "these cat scans are very reliable"" Animals-Insects

#1667

"I was telling my mate I just got myself a labrador. He said: "Oh they're really nice dogs, I love them but they make you go blind."" Animals-Insects

#1668

Do animal rights activists ever try to kill two birds with one stone? Animals-Insects

#1669

Sharks in the Mediterranean have ravished on food today and are said to be ecstatic at the arrival of 90 toothpicks to help them keep their teeth in good shape. Animals-Insects

#1670

"I love Hummingbirds. That's why I put a dab of superglue on the flowers of the Hummingbird feeder." Animals-Insects

#1671

"Me and my mate picked up a couple of birds the other day. 'Yeah I think they're dead,' I said and chucked them in the park bin." Animals-Insects

#1672

"I bought a new mouse pad last night. I don't know why I care for my rodents so much." Animals-Insects

#1673

"My cat adored me, was always at my side or on my lap. Then, one day, I just got fed up with it and the cat left. I lost that loving feline." Animals-Insects

#1674

"Puppies all look cute and act adorable. But has anyone ever investigated their repeated involvement in child abduction cases?" Animals-Insects

#1675

"I noticed a mouse popping its head out of a hole from a skirting board in my bedroom, so I rang the Environmental health Agency. The bloke arrived shortly afterwards I and we stood in my bedroom and waited for the mouse to appear , suddenly a Fish stuck its head out of the hole and went back in again , I said "Did you see that Fish?" And the bloke said "I'm here about the mouse Sir, we'll deal with the Rising Damp later"." Animals-Insects

#1676

"Told my bird to go make me a sandwich earlier. Stupid Parrot never gets the bacon right." Animals-Insects

#1677

"My mother-in-law's coming over. I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep." Animals-Insects

#1678

I wonder if the first person that spotted a puma realized that he or she had invented the leopard? Animals-Insects

#1679

"I rang my mate but he answered the phone in tears. "What's wrong?" I asked, concerned. "The dogs just been hit by a truck! Just this minute outside the house, almost tore it in half!" he wailed. "I'll be over right away!" I shouted. I've never seen inside a dog before." Animals-Insects

#1680

"Why would Glyptodons make excellent models? They're Pleistocene!" Animals-Insects

#1681

"Wildlife cameramen seem to be very unlucky. They only ever seem to be able to find Meerkats that are watching tennis matches." Animals-Insects

#1682

"My mate hung himself in a modern Art gallery. It was three weeks before anyone noticed." Art

#1683

At the Last Supper, how come no one sat at the other side of the table? Art

#1684

"I've developed a foolproof technique any of you can use to sculpt a model of an elephant. 1. Get a huge block of marble. 2. Chip away anything that doesn't look like an elephant." Art

#1685

"As a painter, I'm proud to say some of my work can be seen in the National Gallery. I did the skirting boards." Art

#1686

"Salvador Dali walks into a fish and orders a pint of stamps. The barman says, "Why the bicycle wheel?"" Art

#1687

"I think I have a photographic memory... ...All the people in my head have red eyes." Art

#1688

"Abstract erotic Art... ...It's the shape of things to come." Art

#1689

"An Artist tried to concentrate on his painting, but the attraction he felt for his nude model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I'm not that kind of girl!" "Actually, I've never tried to kiss any of my models before," he protested. "Really?" she asked, softening. "How many models have there been?" "Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."" Art

#1690

"I found an old unframed oil painting in my loft yesterday of a beautiful naked lady So I mounted it" Art

#1691

"My girlfriend insisted on going to the Art gallery so I went along with it and after an hour looking at pictures I called her over and said, "What about this one?" "Are you serious?" "Yeah, it's the best one I've seen yet." "If you don't want to be here, then leave." "When did I say that?" "When you called me over to look at the EXIT sign."" Art

#1692

Went to an M.C. Escher exhibition today. All the best prints were on the second floor but unfortunately I couldn't get there. Art

#1693

"I always thought auctions were really boring, but the one I went too today was really exciting. Granted, I was sat at the back of the room with a tazer." Art

#1694

I lost so much cash through having my Art stolen recently, but fortunately this month I've Claude Monet back. Art

#1695

"I got into a fight with an Artist last night... We drew" Art

#1696

"'Edvard Munch's The Scream sells for $120 million'. Victoria Beckham was going to bid for it.. Then she remembered that she had a mirror." Art

#1697

"I got some really bad news at my university today. Instead of funding my department they are funding the language and the history department. Oh the humanities!" Art

#1698

"My father gave me my first condom. Sadly, he was wearing it at the time." Art

#1699

"A new exhibition where the Artist uses human excrement to create celebrity portraits opens tomorrow. There'll be some familiar faces on show." Art

#1700

"I've just found a portrait of a policeman in the loft. I think it's a Constable." Art

#1701

"The wife went ballistic when I punched a constable yesterday. She was nearly as mad as the museum staff." Art

#1702

"How do we know Vermeer had a low sperm count? Well, it's not 'Girl with a Pearl Necklace' is it?" Art

#1703

"Felt it would be a good idea to draw straws with my mates to see which one of us went for the munter out of a group of girls. And people say my BA in Art would be useless." Art

#1704

"My mate fancies himself as an Artist and wants to sketch me. I told him, "I'm very busy at the moment." "How about next Sunday afternoon?" he suggested. I said, "Not too sure - but pencil me in."" Art

#1705

"'Every picture tells a story'. The picture up in my house, tells me how bad security is at the Khalil museum, and that Van Gogh's painting is not worth 32m." Art

#1706

"Went to a tarot card reading with my wife recently. You should have seen the look on her and the old gypsy ladies faces when I drew the Death card. It was a look that clearly showed if I didn't put the sketch pad and pen away I would not be coming to any further readings." Art

#1707

Consistently innovative and exciting, the London International Mime Festival returns....Now you're talking Art

#1708

"Vincent Van Gogh. There's a man. Everyone said to him "you can't be an Artist! You only have one ear!" and you know what he said? "Sorry, I can't hear you"." Art

#1709

"I've been working on a mosaic made of broken bottles, but it's not really all that it's cracked up to be." Art

#1710

All the best Artistic ideas are kept inside drawers. Art

#1711

"My dad paints all of his pictures in his own blood. He suffers for his Art." Art

#1712

"Whenever I'm asked who the man of the match is, my answer is always the same. Lowry." Art

#1713

"What do you call an Artist with asthma? Van Cough" Art

#1714

Since writing on toilet walls is done neither for critical acclaim, nor financial rewards, does this make it the purest form of Art? Art

#1715

I drew a blank in my Art exam. Art

#1716

"News: "The Tate Modern has removed a nude photo of actress Brooke Shields aged 10 from its new exhibition over fears it will be a gathering place for pedophiles". Okay guys I'm sorry but the minibuses won't be picking you all up now, your 5 deposit will be returned in the post shortly." Art

#1717

"Damien Hirst partner has walked out on him for another man. Like a dead cow in an Art gallery he must be gutted." Art

#1718

"Fifty shades of grey The first ever book for dogs" Art

#1719

"Who's boss of the pencil case? The Ruler." Art

#1720

"When Damien Hirst cuts a shark in half and preserves it in formaldehyde, he's a visionary Artist. When I do it, I get banned from the aquarium." Art

#1721

Just finished reading 50 shades of grey - I thought it was rather monochromatic. Art

#1722

""Mummy, Mummy, the kids at school say I'm a freak" "Shut up and comb your face"" Beauty

#1723

"A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. "Officer," he asks, "have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?" "No, I haven't. What's the problem?" "The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!" "Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asked. "Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."" Beauty

#1724

Men who have six pack abs and care about them very much, will cover them in a thick layer of fat. Beauty

#1725

"I saw the woman who's in that wrinkle removal cream advert at a party. I asked her what her secret really is. "I'm twenty two", she said." Beauty

#1726

"Today my boss told me my facial hair is bad for business, Nothing's been said by any of the other escorts though." Beauty

#1727

"My wife has become so fat, I said to her "You are starting to look like my ex-wife". "But you only have ever been married to me". She replied "Yes, I know"" Beauty

#1728

"Some women bleach the hairs on their upper lip to become more attractive... Does anyone actually find a blonde moustache on a woman attractive?" Beauty

#1729

They say that diamonds are a girl's best friend. I would have thought that a packet of tampons on a heavy day might at least have got an honorable mention Beauty

#1730

I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one. Beauty

#1731

"I just asked out a girl I've known for years and I'm distraught. The most attractive person you could ever meet, eyes that you can't help but stare into, wit that could get everyone laughing, an unmatched smile that could warm anyone's heart. Why she turned that down I don't know." Beauty

#1732

"My mate said I was too fat to climb a wall. I still can't get over it." Beauty

#1733

I approached a girl in a bar and told her she was one in a million. "Thanks" she said "That's very sweet of you!" "Oh" I said "It's not a compliment. I just can't imagine that there are 999,999 uglier people. Beauty

#1734

"I'd hate to be a woman. Besides the periods, the hair and Beauty traumas, weight issues, and all the housework they have to do, have you noticed how they always seem to turn a funny orange/tan colour around winter time?" Beauty

#1735

"If you ever get attacked by a tiger just throw moisturizer cream at him.

Blocks the paws." Beauty

#1736

"I lent my friend a glue stick the other day instead of a chopstick. She still isn't talking to me." Beauty

#1737

"I've almost finished developing an anti-ageing product and my wife has agreed to let me trial it on her tonight. I just need to find a silencer now." Beauty

#1738

I realized I was getting old the other day when my hairdresser spent more time on shaving my ears and eyebrows than she did on shaving my head. Beauty

#1739

Women must think I'm a handyman, since "help" is the first word out of their mouth when they see me. Beauty

#1740

"Dear L'Oreal, How do you know your products work if they weren't tested on Animals?" Beauty

#1741

"Just heard that Ashleigh Hall who was killed in County Durham was 'a lovely, lovely kid' who was 'the nicest'. Obviously she was nice - she had to be. She was hideous." Beauty

#1742

"Why did the princess never brush her hair? She had leukemia." Beauty

#1743

"My mate gets dumped pretty regularly, so I asked him how long it takes to get over a girl. He replied "Depends how fat she is."" Beauty

#1744

"Inside every fat woman is a thin woman and a lot of chocolate. Inside every thin woman is a fat woman waiting for marriage." Beauty

#1745

"I don't really like my new hair. But I suppose it'll grow on me..." Beauty

#1746

"I walked up to this woman in a bar the other night "You're a feminist, aren't you?" i said to her amazed she said "Yes, yes I am, but how'd you know?" so I told her "I can see your armpit hair from the other side of the room you fat, ugly cow"." Beauty

#1747

"I used to hate facial hair!! But eventually, it grew on me." Beauty

#1748

"My wife told me that I needed to go to the gym and get in shape. I replied, "I am in shape!" A sphere is a shape." Beauty

#1749

Girls who pull the trout pout in pictures are so obviously fishing for compliments. Beauty

#1750

"My friends said to me, "I always has Johnson's baby lotion in my cupboard." "That's funny," I replied "I just have Johnsons baby in mine"" Beauty

#1751

"Whenever I go into the toilet after my wife there is always a strong scent of air freshener. I'm so glad she likes her new perfume." Beauty

#1752

I just bought a new pair of gloves, or so I thought. One of them is second hand. Beauty

#1753

"Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head." Beauty

#1754

Today my fashion statement is, "I missed a spot shaving." Beauty

#1755

Surely if Alpecin works, you would end up with really hairy hands? Beauty

#1756

Bald people face discrimination. One guy told me he "can't help my kind," and asked me to leave his shop! He was an awful barber anyway. Beauty

#1757

You`ve got teeth like a witch doctors necklace. Beauty

#1758

"What is the nickname given to Toddlers and Tiaras? The reason condoms were invented." Beauty

#1759

"I've just booked an appointment with the new German barber. Herr Cut" Beauty

#1760

"New Eau de Condom by Calvin Klein... ...For him and for her!" Beauty

#1761

"I've just taken up speed reading. Last night I did war and peace in 20 seconds. I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!" Books

#1762

"I went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played." Books

#1763

"I've been thinking of writing a mystery novel. Or have I?" Books

#1764

"Man goes into a library and asks for a book about French War Heroes. The librarian tells him to try the fiction section." Books

#1765

I got banned from Waterstones today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the '50 Shades of Grey' shelf. Books

#1766

"I went to Waterstones today to get a book about conspiracies. There were none there. Coincidence?" Books

#1767

Breaking News: Archaeologists digging at the site of Shakespeare's house have uncovered thousands of monkey skeletons. Books

#1768

"I've just published a book on DIY. It's blank and comes with a free pen." Books

#1769

I ordered a joke book off Amazon last week.... but I didn't get it. Books

#1770

"Our new librarian is very polite. I think she is Italian. I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine." So I thanked her and walked out." Books

#1771

"I've just bought a 3D Kindle. Or a book as it's commonly known." Books

#1772

"My mate just stole my Thesaurus. Frankly, I'm lost for words." Books

#1773

"A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, your going to have to help me. Every morning I wake up convinced that I wrote Lord of the Rings." The doctor nods and replies, "Don't worry, you've just been Tolkien in your sleep."" Books

#1774

Whenever I worry that I've been wasting my life, I cheer myself up by remembering that I have never read a Twilight book. Books

#1775

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down. Books

#1776

""Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Wally, Not Wally..." Where's Wally Audiobook" Books

#1777

"I spent almost an hour at the Bookstore yesterday signing Books. Which was pretty good, since they caught me after just 25 minutes the last time." Books

#1778

"I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's gran. She's an animal in bed." Books

#1779

After being escorted out of Kings Cross station with concussion I'm beginning to think my HogwArts acceptance letter was a hoax. Books

#1780

Thanks to '50 Shades of Grey', my wife's Kindle now smells like 50 cans of tuna. Books

#1781

"I hope my new book does well. It's called "How to be concise and get straight to the point using the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations."" Books

#1782

"I went to a Bookstore and asked the saleswoman: "Where's the self-help section?" She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose." Books

#1783

"My brother has just set fire to one of my Mr Men Books. No more Mr Nice Guy." Books

#1784

"Newcastle v Reading today. Newcastle don't stand a chance; Geordies have never seen a book never mind read one." Books

#1785

"I've just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off badly but, by the end, I really liked it." Books

#1786

My mate finally finished writing his book about cooking with herbs. It's about thyme. Books

#1787

"How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the G." Books

#178

"I walked into Waterstones and asked, "Do you have any Books on 'How to stop impulse buying'?" "Yes we do." "Excellent. I'll take seventeen copies please."" Books

#1789

"Hopefully I've got a book coming out soon. Admittedly, I don't think I should have eaten it in the first place." Books

#1790

"My friend recommended a book to me. She said it was a real page turner. I was like, "yeah, I know how Books work."" Books

#1791

"J K Rowling is planning two Harry Potter sequels where he re-enters the world of the Muggles: Harry Potter & the Tuition Fees of In affordability Harry Potter and the Unclimbable Housing Ladder" Books

#1792

"I commute a lot, so I bought one of those new Apple iPads so I can read virtual Books on long journeys. It's brilliant, it's just like reading a normal book except it runs out of batteries and it gives me a migraine." Books

#1793

I've just read the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it. Books

#1794

"I found thousands of letters in my postbox today. That's the last time I order a dictionary from IKEA." Books

#1795

I love my collection of Sat-Nav's and map Books, I'd be lost without them. Books

#1796

"I'm reading a book on helium at the moment. I'm having trouble putting it down." Books

#1797

"I've nearly finished writing my book about finding the perfect way to stab someone. All it needs is a surprise twist at the end." Books

#1798

When it comes to breakfast, 3 bowls of porridge is the bear minimum. Books

#1799

"I've just written a book about the inventions of Thomas Edison. It's for those who enjoy a bit of light reading." Books

#1800

"Too make a long story short...I didn't finish 'Lord of the Rings'." Books

#1801

You can accidentally change the outcome of any night by not noticing that typing 'pints' into dictionary text first comes up as 'shots'. Books

#1802

"I just bought a new book 'Ventriloquism for Dummies'." Books

#1803

"Dear Stephanie Meyer, Please do a tour of Britain, explaining to women how your Books are FICTIONAL. You're ruining my mojo. Sincerely, Lonely Teen" Books

#1804

There is nothing like getting to the end of a good book and thinking, AH! There's Wally! Books

#1805

I enjoy going up to any woman reading the 50 shades of grey Books and asking them if they have got to the part where the man dies! Books

#1806

I read Great Expectations - it wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be. Books

#1807

"Later on today, I plan to set alight a manifest of unholy lies. Sworn before God, and in protest to tyranny, I plan to rid the world of the filth, blasphemy and falsehoods that have marred my happiness for close to a decade. The wife will be furious, it's our only copy of the wedding photos." Books

#1808

"Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true love and to be very romantic. Sure, if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic." Books

#1809

"The Guardian Online: "Child abuse reviews to be published" When I get my copy, I think I'll queue up for hours to get the author to sign it." Books

#1810

"I'm currently reading 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. Which freaked me out because I didn't think he knew anything about my life." Books

#1811

"I bought a book to help me overcome my shyness and it really works. Now I can talk to people while hiding behind it." Books

#1812

I've just started reading a book about Fort Knox but I just can't get into it. Books

#1813

"If an infinite amount of monkeys had an infinite amount of typewriters how long would it take them to write the complete works of Shakespeare? ...I don't know but I reckon in the first three seconds they'd have written the autobiography of Katie Price." Books

#1814

"Tomorrow sees the release of the audiobook of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. Read by Joe Pasquale." Books

#1815

"New Oxford Dictionary entry reads: Clown's pie (n). A very, very wet minge. "Finding ourselves alone in the shooting lodge at Balmorals, Her Majesty bade me descend to her lady garden. After 50 years of widowhood, I found her to be considerably aroused. It was like being hit in the face with a clown's pie". (From" "The memoirs of Queen Victoria's Ghyllie" by John Brown )" Books

#1816

"A man walks into a library and asks for a book on how to be a taxi driver. The librarian replies "It's just around the corner."" Books

#1817

"I've just finished writing a book called "How to delegate." Well, actually my wife wrote it.

But it was me who told her to." Books

#1818

"I'm pretending to the wife that I'm interested in the book 50 shades of grey. That way, she wont think I'm a pervert when the film comes out." Books

#1819

"I love that Sickipedia have finally released a joke book! Now I can add published writer to my CV All I have to do now is avoid applying for jobs were the boss is either disabled or part of any ethnic minority" Books

#1820

"Some pages from J.K. Rowling's new 'adult' novel have been leaked on the internet. Chapter 1. Fifty Eight year old Harold Potter was out for a walk near his old school when, suddenly, he saw an owl flying towards him....." Books

#1821

"Loving the new Dr. Seuss book. Horton Hires a Ho" Books

#1822

You know your career's going nowhere when your autobiography is being sold in Pound land. Books

#1823

"For the past 10 years, I've been trying but failing miserably to write my autobiography. Story of my life." Books

#1824

"My mate Colin is a typical example of someone who's read Proust. He hasn't read it." Books

#1825

"John Milton wrote the book: Paradise lost. Then his wife died... And he wrote the book: Paradise regained." Books

#1826

"Everyone keeps recommending I read "50 Shades of Grey." I keep telling them I'm not interested, at least not until they release the picture version." Books

#1827

Adrian Mole's diary wasn't actually very secret, was it? Books

#1828

Gryffindor: I'm brave and loyal. Raven claw: I'm smArt and logical. Slytherin: I'm ambitious and cunning. Hufflepuff: ...I like turtles. Books

#1829

50 shades of grey... Is that a book about the sky during a typical British summer? Books

#1830

"Just remember women; whilst Fifty Shades of Grey may bring you climax it won't cuddle with you after. I mean, neither will me, just saying..." Books

#1831

Someday trans-gender Pinocchio, you'll be a real girl. Books

#1832

I am busy reading a new dictionary. To be fair, it's not much different to the first one I read. Books

#1833

"I was in our local library earlier today, when a small, round root vegetable came in and asked the librarian if she had a book about suicide. I though "That's a turnip for the Books"" Books

#1834

By now, I think nearly everyone in the world knows who Harry Potter is... Unless they're locked in a cupboard under some stairs. Books

#1835

"Say what you like about my wife, but she certainly knows her place. Ever since I bought her that new bookmark." Books

#1836

I just bought the book 'Learn How to Read' and am now realizing the potential problem... Books

#1837

"Ever wonder what your Dreams mean? It means Bookshops can make loads of money by selling Books to gullible people." Books

#1838

"What would you call an instruction manual for ventriloquists? A: Dummies for Dummies." Books

#1839

"JK Rowling today is going to tell her story of press intrusion, Slight change of direction from the Harry Potter Books..." Books

#1840

"As the old man stood in front of him in his robes clutching his wand.... Harry Potter regretted transferring to catholic school" Books

#1841

"Many people see Shakespeare as the greatest literary of all time. Not me though, his most famous line " To be or not to be, that is the question?" I think he was just trying to decide which pencil to use." Books

#1842

"I bought a book on practical jokes from Water stones today. When I got it home and opened it, all the pages were blank and fell out. Books

#1843

"My mom wouldn't let me read or watch Harry Potter when I was little because she thought I would start acting like a Wizard. Stupid muggle has no idea what she's talking about." Books

#1844

"I got my wife one of those Books I know she'll read over and over again. 'Coping with Memory Loss'." Books

#1845

Apparently "50 shades of grey" is the first book in history where there is no need for its readers to lick their fingers to turn the pages. Books

#1846

"I've just finished my book on evaluating literature. It was alright." Books

#1847

"I originally wrote my novel with a start, a middle and an ending. It got rejected fourteen times. So I rewrote it, putting half the middle first, then the start, followed by the ending and finished with the rest of the middle. It was the same story, just told unintelligibly. It's now been published for a million pounds, gone straight to the top of the bestsellers, got nominated for three awards and the films due out next year." Books

#1848

"Just read a book about youth in Asia. Made me want to kill myself." Books

#1849

"A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on band wagons. "Oh, everyone seems to be borrowing that one"" Books

#1850

"My wife loves glossy magazines. So I bought her a Dulux catalogue." Books

#1851

It's going to be really difficult to hold the Eurovision song contest next year with all of those dementors hanging around. Books

#1852

"Kate and Gerry are bringing out a new book on how to raise your kids, it's got lots of tips on how to control their behavior. Top Tip no 1! Sacrifice one child so that the others behave.

Top Tip no 2! Remind them if they tell anyone the next holidays booked." Books

#1853

I always take a Dan Brown novel with me when I go for a dump. Not to read; to wipe with. Books

#1854

Man goes into library & asks if they have any Books on numbers. The librarian says, "One or two" Books

#1855

She asked me to be the Romeo to her Juliet, so I put her in an Artificial coma and killed myself. Books

#1856

"So, Sickipedia have released an American Version of their Sick Joke book. Considering the amount of jokes directed at them, I wouldn't think that they'd raise funds for a new server. Then again, what do I know, I'm American." Books

#1857

I just read a book about hoovers..... The end sucked Books

#1858

If you think the 'amazon kindle' text to speech option is a joke.. Try downloading 'A Brief History of Time'...... Books

#1859

Trolls really get my goat. Books

#1860

"I went to see Twilight: New Moon because it is meant to be a modern take on Romeo and Juliet. I was so disappointed when Edward and Bella didn't kill themselves." Books

#1861

My favorite character in The Jungle Book is Kaa the python, but then Mr. Kipling did make exceedingly good snakes. Books

#1862

"I read a book called "The Swimming Pool". It started off shallow but had a very deep end to it." Books

#1863

"Just finished writing my new book. It's about existentialist philosophy and authentic existence, for five to nine year olds. It's a picture book called: 'Why is Wally'." Books

#1864

I was looking for a Where's Wally joke the other day but I couldn't find it. Books

#1865

It turns out, if you lay out every book in a Waterstones branch, you get thrown out by security. Books

#1866

"50 shades of day. And that concludes the Scottish weather report for the next 1,000,000 years." Books

#1867

""Star banned from leaving OZ" So you could say it's like some sort of prison. Let the Old times Roll." Books

#1868

"I've got a book coming out soon. I shouldn't have eaten it, really." Books

#1869

"50 shades of Grey. The contents of Elton John's Wig Drawer." Books

#1870

"My wife came to me the other day after finishing 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and suggested we take some inspiration from the book in our relationship. "Absolutely! I'd love to." I replied excitedly, relishing the opportunity. I'm not sure it was what she had in mind when I wrote all over her, bound her and sold her on the high street to a mug for 7.99." Books

#1871

"I've been saying I will make a dictionary the same height as me by the end of the month. With the deadline approaching my Family think I'm going to give up, but I'll stand by my words." Books

#1872

I bought a book on double entendres but it was so big and hard, the postman couldn't get it in my box. Books

#1873

"I was reading a scary book today but it kept trying to get away from me. Spineless git. Books

#1874

"I've written a book on how to deal with rejection... Unfortunately I couldn't find anybody willing to publish it, so tonight I'm going to kill all of my Family and friends and then jump in front of a train." Books

#1875

Spending years studying a book, looking over again and again the vast complex lines and constantly looking for the messages and meanings, getting to know and love the characters and locations presented to you. Only to discover he's behind the elephant. Books

#1876

"A man goes up to Quasimodo from 'The Hunchback of Notre-Dame'. He says, "Hey Quasi, what's that lump in your pocket?" He replies, "It's a photo of our kid..."" Books

#1877

"I've just finished reading the autobiography of the world's most modest man. He wasn't in it much." Books

#1878

"In his book, Tony Blair says he would make love to his wife up to 5 times a night. And there was me thinking the decision to go into Iraq was a difficult one" Books

#1879

"I have finally worked out the reason that Fifty Shades of Grey had to be split into 3 Books. It's because otherwise it would be too big and too heavy to read with one hand." Books

#1880

"So David Beckham's biography is set to be a 'picture book'. Surprise surprise..." Books

#1881

"I bought a book called 'Mathematics for dummies'. All the answers were wrong." Books

#1882

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. Books

#1883

I have started a pressure group to get ambiguous words removed from the dictionary. We meet biweekly Books

#1884

"My wife criticizes everything I do, so I bought the book to kill a mockingbird. Few tips on racism but nothing on how to dispose of a spouse." Books

#1885

"A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide. Unfortunately the library was all out, so the librarian just offered him Twilight." Books

#1886

"It once took me three days to read a book. And three cops to remove me from the library." Books

#1887

"Kim Jong-Il, Bin Laden and Gaddafi all in the one year? 2011 is clearly being written by George R.R. MArtin." Books

#1888

"I'm being a thoughtful husband and buying my wife the audio version of fifty shades of grey, that'll mean she has both hands free to pleasure herself. By finishing the ironing." Books

#1889

"A black man, a ginger, and a suicide bomber walk into a library, and the librarian says "Is this some sort of sick joke?"" Books

#1890

Stieg Larsson, the author of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is dead so, tragically, we will never know whether the tattoo was of Duncan, James, Deborah, Peter or Theo. Books

#1891

"I wrote the book on learning to read. We sold twelve copies." Books

#1892

A man goes into the library and asks for a book on flogging a dead horse... Books

#1893

"Addicted to my 'How to love a sick dog' book I can't put it down." Books

#1894

"I've just been reading a book that conclusively proves that future comes before past. It's called The Oxford English dictionary." Books

#1895

"1895 AD - H. G. Wells publishes the book 'The time Machine'. 1896 AD - H.G. Wells writes the book 'The time Machine'." Books

#1896

Just been reading a book which, apparently, is all the rage, about a girl who cheats in her A level exams to achieve higher marks. Boring! Can't see what all the fuss is about 'Shifty Grades of Faye'! Books

#1897

"I wrote a book on coffee. Without it I would never have met the deadline." Books

#1898

"That Jeffrey Archer looks like he's got a temper on him. I'd hate to be in his bad Books." Books

#1899

I've just finished reading a book about a well-loved but ill dog, it was really hard to put it down Books

#1900

"Can anybody think of a different word for thesaurus? Hang on, let me just check my onomastic on." Books

#1901

"Guinness world records. Proof that before something amazing, there must first be alcohol." Books

#1902

"If I was an author I'd write Books for kids. Smaller audience." Books

#1903

"The last Harry Potter film was so predictable. I could read it like a book!" Books

#1904

Mr. Samuel Johnston had just published the first proper English dictionary. A grand lady congratulated him for not including curse words. "Ah," replied Johnston, "You have been looking for them, I presume." Books

#1905

Ever notice how Voldemort has a diary, necklace, ring, tiara and an obsession with a famous teenage boy? No one but me finds this awkward, apparently. Books

#1906

"I've just started reading a book called "Jokes for Dummies." Chapter 1: Learning ventriloquism." Books

#1907

"I got angry when my girlfriend wouldn't tell me about the book she was reading. I beat 50 shades of grey out of her." Books

#1908

"I joined my mates in the pub to find them going on about elves, wizards and hobbits. I have no idea what they're Tolkien about." Books

#1909

Just finished reading the girl who kicked the hornets' nest, it wasn't that good but the part were she got stung to death was hilarious. Books

#1910

"I spent a few hours in The Red Room of Pain last week, queuing in the Post Office for my road tax." Books

#1911

A friend told me "50 Shades of Grey is a great way to silence your wife". So i bought a copy and beat her to death with it............. Books

#1912

"A Man walks into a library and asks for a book on Bandwagon's He jumped on it" Books

#1913

Before I go to sleep I always do some light reading. It's a lot easier than dark reading. Books

#1914

"My girlfriend has left me because I spend all my time reading eBooks. I don't want to lose my relationship so I am hoping to re-kindle it." Books

#1915

"I'm really not looking forward to having to tell my friend that he's not been chosen to play the prince in my upcoming production of Snow White. He's going to be Grumpy." Books

#1916

"I'm currently reading a book about a bird watching club that's used as a cover by a group of swingers. It's full of trysts and terns." Books

#1917

"I've just seen a bloke spray painting a blond haired male reporter and a little white dog on the front of his car. I think he was Tin-Tin his windows." Books

#1918

J.K. Rowling's new novel is said to be the best fiction writing since George Osborne's Budget Books

#1919

"The double standards of book censorship amazes me. Basically the same book has been banned and then released again. 'Madeleine: The Book' hits shelves this week but yet 'If I Did It' by OJ Simpson gets banned on its first release. Hypocrites." Books

#1920

"Feeling depressed? Life not going how you wanted it to and its noticeable by the tone in your voice? Why not make a living narrating audioBooks." Books

#1921

Quick money making: Sell dictionaries to the Yanks, but call them "crossword answers". Books

#1922

"I just sold my old Snow White book for 15 quid. That really is a fair retail story!" Books

#1923

"I took a friend to the book store with me today. I wanted a book on self-confidence and my luck was in, he managed to get one for me." Books

#1924

"I was fired from my job as a proof reader. They gave me the McCanns book, I couldn't find any." Books

#1925

Shakespeare is credited with the invention of hundreds of new words, which just goes to show that monkeys make terrible proofreaders. Books

#1926

Anyone else see the flaw in "Sickipedia book American Version now available" ... Books

#1927

"I went out and bought a book today and flicked to the back page. So to all you dirty little women reading that dirty little book out there. She kills him at the end." Books

#1928

"Susan Boyle has released her new autobiographical erotic book, so far it's been critically panned for obvious reasons. It's called "50 shaves a day"" Books

#1929

Just finished 50 shades of pink. Its a true story about a man, his washing machine and an elusive red sock. Books

#1930

"My friend asked me, "Why is there a book in your fridge?" I said, "It's chilling."" Books

#1931

"I heard someone say "You can't be a true Harry Potter fan, unless you've read the Books." Here's an idea: why don't we start calling the people who read the Books 'Pure-bloods' and the people who only saw the films 'mud-bloods'." Books

#1932

"Which John Milton novel is about why he can't play Monopoly anymore? Pair o' dice lost" Books

#1933

So they're making a 50 Shades of Grey Movie? I'd hate to be the guy mopping the cinema floor after that shows. Books

#1934

A recent survey of women who read 50 Shades of Gray. Most read it with their fingers Books

#1935

"I got fed up with all this unwritten rules nonsense. So I published a book. It's called Rules." Books

#1936

"I'm writing a book on Indian curries. Its naan-fiction." Books

#1937

Voldemort is like a teenage girl. He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy. Books

#1938

I'm still awaiting the arrival of my new book from EBay, 'How to Avoid Internet Scams'. Books

#1939

"My wife's been saying she'd love to meet a real-life Mr. Grey. Stupid cow should've paid more attention when we watched Reservoir Dogs." Books

#1940

"I've just read the Civil Service Staff handbook. It's called "50 Grades of pay"" Books

#1941

Twining's have recently developed a new erotic breakfast tea, Fifty Shades of Earl Grey. Books

#1942

I hope Mr. Grey gets aids Books

#1943

"Most '50 Shades of Grey' jokes on record. I blame a wet July." Books

#1944

"What does Stephen Hawking have in common with Books? They both look worse with broken spines." Books

#1945

"I'm about to release my new book on joblessness soon. Still needs work though." Books

#1946

Going to have to keep a very close eye on my tatty old dog with the missus, After all he is 50 shades of grey. Books

#1947

"The Black Guy to English dictionary #1; "Awwwww sheit!" - Oh dear, there appears to be something wrong" Books

#1948

"David Kelly walks in to a Library. "Do you have a textbook on suicides" "Sorry" says the Librarian, "a bloke from MI6 just borrowed it"" Books

#1949

"While Stephen King suffered from writer's block he inadvertently wrote The Shining. I hope my tale of child molestation achieves similar success." Books

#1950

"My wife has been moaning and complaining a lot recently so I thought I'd buy that new book "50 shades of grey" as a surprise. You should have seen the look on her face when i smacked her round the head with it." Books

#1951

"'50 Shades of Grey' is about a guy who gets a young girl to sign her whole life over to him? So a bit like Josef Fritz with a contract!" Books

#1952

"Suarez and Evra. Still a better love story than twilight." Books

#1953

"72 year old, Geoffrey Leonard EVERY PAEDOPHILE'S HERO! Order his "How to Books" now!" Books

#1954

As the young officer studied the oak door, he was reminded of his girlfriend -- for she was also slightly unhinged, occasionally sticky and responded well to being stripped and given a light oiling Books

#1955

"I can't wait for Reading Waterstones is going to be wild!" Books

#1956

"Due to the popularity of "50 shades of grey", a new underwear range will soon be in shops. Think I will stick with my own brand though.... 50 shades of brown." Books

#1957

"They're coming out with a 50 Shades Of Grey women's under wear line. That's nothing new my boxers have been 50 shades for months now." Books

#1958

"My Girlfriend has moved onto the fourth book in the series. She's now reading Fifty Shades of Make Me a Sandwich." Books

#1959

My dog just sat on my keyboard and came out with the next twilight book. Books

#1960

"CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal. Except winter and summer. And Autumn." Calendar

#1961

People are going on about how the date 10/10/10 only comes once in 100 years.... umm doesn't the date 9/10/10 or 11/10/10 also only come once every 100 years? Calendar

#1962

"I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." Calendar

#1963

"Fact of Life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F" calendar

#1964

March 4th... I like today's date because it sounds like I'm telling people what to do. Calendar

#1965

"They say that the world will be over in 2012 because that's when the Mayan calendar ends. My calendar ends this December, should I be worried?" calendar

#1966

"The government say I can't get my pension yet, as I am only 22. I hate being born on a leap year... All my friends are 88." Calendar

#1967

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Calendar

#1968

"Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat, please put a tenner in the old man's hat, If you haven't got a tenner, then a fiver will do, If you haven't got a fiver, Then feel free to come to Britain and get everything paid for you." Calendar

#1969

"I've just bought a Monsters Inc. advent calendar. Every time you open a door it's a different child's bedroom." Calendar

#1970

"I just saw a calendar for sale, "Michael Jackson 1958-2009". I didn't buy it, I wanted a 2010 calendar." Calendar

#1971

Somebody snuck into my house today and put a moist cloth on my calendar, which has really put a damper on my whole month. Calendar

#1972

"I just opened the door to the most beautiful angel that I have ever seen. She was dressed in silk and she let me lick her all over. Shame it was the last door on my advent calendar." Calendar

#1973

"I really want to win a lifetime's supply of calendars. So I know when I'm going to die." Calendar

#1974

I can't wait till march 4th, it's my favorite day because when people ask me what the date is it's like I'm sending them into battle. Calendar

#1975

"I got the perfect calendar for 2010. A different girl posing in different positions each month. Shame I don't support Liverpool." Calendar

#1976

I'll never buy one of those abhorrent word of the day calendars. Calendar

#1977

"First it was Black Friday, then came Kwanzaa and then Black History Month. If we're not careful, they'll steal the entire calendar!" calendar

#1978

"1000 places to see before you die 2013 - daily picture calendar Now I'm no mathematician but..." calendar

#1979

Why was I getting such angry looks at taking some pictures at Brittany Murphy's wake? I think this 2010 calendar is going to look her hottest yet. Calendar

#1980

"We've been given a 2011 calendar from the local takeaway. My girlfriend said "Quick give it here, I want to see what day my birthday's on next year". After she finished she asked "Do you want to check what day yours is on?" "There's no need" I replied "my birthday is the 9th of June every year"." Calendar

#1981

"I'm so awesome and I have lots of friends!! Just kidding, April Fools! Sigh..." calendar

#1982

"I asked Microsoft online help if the had a chocolate bar with Caramel, NougArt and Hazelnuts. It replied "No Topics Found"" calendar

#1983

"Its Mayday today, apparently you are meant to rub your face in the morning dew. I only know a Muslim, does that count?" calendar

#1984

"I made my own advent calendar this year with a picture of my wife behind every door. I slowly open a door each morning just to remind her that there's nowhere to hide." Calendar

#1985

"Forgot about 10/10/10 10:10:10.. Well there's always next time." Calendar

#1986

"And don't get the Jim Morrison Advent Calendar either. The Doors keep breaking on through to the other side." Calendar

#1987

"The Calendar: Only for the week minded" calendar

#1988

"Everyone likes white snow. People put up with brown snow. Everyone hates black snow. There's even racism in snow form." Calendar

#1989

"Santa walked in on Mrs Claus having an affair. Hoe, hoe, hoe." Calendar

#1990

"Hollister Sale - Socks; Was: 9.99 Now: 9.98" calendar

#1991

"I was driving the other day, when I saw a milkmaid in the street So I decided to Flora." Calendar

#1992

Every time I write the date today I'm scared I'll accidentally design a computer program. Calendar

#1993

"The doctor has told my wife that we have a high probability of having a cancer baby. By my reckoning it's only one in twelve." Calendar

#1994

"I got sacked from my job for complaining that all the calendars are a year behind for the third year running. Apparently, I wasn't intelligent enough to work at the Calendar Recycling Factory." Calendar

#1995

"My mate just spent an hour and a half sat in one spot desperately trying to put up a tent. Camping noob." Camping

#1996

I think we should get some polar bears to help with the evictions at Dale Farm, I heard that they're pretty good at clearing out campsites. Camping

#1997

"I promised my romantic girlfriend the other day that I would stay up with until we see the sun rise in the British countryside A week later I'm starting to fall asleep." Camping

#1998

"After we all finished our main meal I asked the party if they'd like Baby Jellies. One young lady laughed 'they're Jelly Babies!' Confusion was soon lifted when I brought out the dessert" camping

#1999

"I despise bears so imagine my horror when out camping in the wilds, I ran into one. Knowing it was me or him, I didn't give him time to think and blasted him three times in the head with my hunting rifle. Even though I had escaped this time, my ordeal got a whole lot worse. Mrs. Grylls reported me to the Police and I'm now facing a murder charge." Camping

#2000

"An atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon Forest suddenly finds himself surrounded by a group of blood thirsty Cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed this time!" Suddenly there is a ray of light from Heaven and a voice booms out, "No, you are not screwed. All you have to do is pick up that rock at your feet and bash in the head of the chief cannibal standing in front of you". So the explorer picks up the rock and proceeds to bash the chief unconscious. As he stands over the body, breathing heavily and surrounded by hundreds of Cannibals with looks of shock and anger on their faces, God's voice booms out again and says, "OK.....Now You're screwed"." Cannibals

#2001

Do Cannibals refer to homeless people as Free Range? Cannibals

#2002

"People make me sick. I guess I should stop eating them." Cannibals

#2003

"Two Cannibals come across a missionary in the jungle. After killing the man, they decide to split the body evenly. "Look," said one cannibal. "I'll start at the head, and you start at the feet, and we'll meet in the middle." So the two begin to devour the man's body. After a short while, the cannibal at the head looks up and says, "How's it going down there?" "I'm having a ball!" replied the other. "No!" shouted the first cannibal. "You're eating too fast!"" Cannibals

#2004

"Did you hear about the cannibal who only ate vegetables? He particularly like the ones with Down's Syndrome" Cannibals

#2005

"My wife asked me if I thought we should have another baby. I said, "Slow down there love, the legs are still in the freezer. Let us finish this one first."" Cannibals

#2006

"One of the things I really miss about my wife is the smell of her cooking. I have to admit though, she did taste rather nice along with the roast veg." Cannibals

#2007

I believe it's the child inside me which makes me a cannibal. Cannibals

#2008

"I turned up late to my cannibal convention they gave me the cold shoulder" Cannibals

#2009

"A cannibal returned from a holiday missing a leg. "What happened?" asked his friend. "It was self-catering." he replied." Cannibals

#2010

"I accidentally ran over a baby the other day. Which means legally, I can take it home for lunch." Cannibals

#2011

Cannibalism means every fight is a food fight. Cannibals

#2012

"You are what you eat" should only apply to Cannibals. Cannibals

#2013

"Dilemma: An older mature woman or younger foxy girl? Clearly the latter. After all, Happy Meals are cheaper than Chardonnay." Cannibals

#2014

Cannibalism. Putting the "EAT" in "DEATH". Cannibals

#2015

"Note to self when informing the relatives of a murder victim that the killer was also a cannibal! Remember to tell them that we found remains, and not left overs." Cannibals

#2016

"What do you call a bee that eats other bees? Hannibal Nectar." Cannibals

#2017

"My friend and I met a girl in a club last night. We asked her if she was up for a spit roast. She was very keen on the idea. Right up until we tried to stuff an apple in her mouth." Cannibals

#2018

Stephen Hawking - cannibal's favorite meal on wheels. Cannibals

#2019

"I've just took the wife out for dinner. I'll have her later, she's got to defrost first." Cannibals

#2020

"I love working in the abortion clinic. I've not had to go out and buy food for 6 months now." Cannibals

#2021

"Hear about the vegetarian cannibal? He only eats swedes" Cannibals

#2022

"Let's eat Grandpa! Let's eat, Grandpa! Commas, save lives." Cannibals

#2023

"Reuters: "British surgeons separate very rare conjoined twins". I prefer mine well done." Cannibals

#2024

If you ate yourself would you get fatter or just disappear? Cannibals

#2025

"When can Cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten." Cannibals

#2026

"I've decided that I'm anti-abortion. They taste better alive." Cannibals

#2027

Cannibals - there's a good person in all of them. Cannibals

#2028

"I've just had a urine test. Someone just phoned me up and said "You in?"" Cannibals

#2029

USA and Britain have finally apologized for their part in the slave trade in the 18th and 19th centuries, and so they should. But in the spirit of going forward, shouldn't certain African tribes apologize for cooking vicars in enormous metal cauldrons and stealing their top hats? Cannibals

#2030

"My wife is always saying "Waste not, want not." But then yesterday she said I was rude and tacky when I asked for a doggie bag! Anyway it turns out they don't have them at the abortion clinic." Cannibals

#2031

"My wife is busy cooking and I can't wait. I'd say another hour or so before she's tender. I'm starving." Cannibals

#2032

"I attended a seminar at uni today when the tutor claimed he'd once eaten a man's liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Must've been a Hannibal Lecture." Cannibals

#2033

"I managed to convince my best mate to let me spit-roast his wife last night. Unfortunately she was too much for us to eat in one sitting, but at least his Children will have something in their pack lunch tomorrow." Cannibals

#2034

"I had a Chinese girl once. Half an hour later, I wanted another one. It's hard work sometimes, being a cannibal." Cannibals

#2035

Cannibal: someone who really is fed up with people Cannibals

#2036

"Two Cannibals are talking. - I don't like my mother-in-law...- That's fine, mate, just eat the chips then." Cannibals

#2037

"What's the Difference between an abortion and a McDonald's big breakfast? The scrambled eggs from McDonald's are inedible." Cannibals

#2038

"My wife just got back from the butchers ....now which part should i eat first?" Cannibals

#2039

My girlfriend has always said to me you are what you eat. So today I killed Cheryl Cole tied my girlfriend down to the bed and made her eat the corpse Cannibals

#2040

Is cease fire just the American word for reloading? Cannibals

#2041

"My girlfriend says she can always smell feet in my house. Which is fair enough as I have 3 Tesco bags full of em under my bed...." Cannibals

#2042

"I'm personally neither for nor against abortion. But if one ever got offered to me on a plate I wouldn't turn it down." Cannibals

#2043

"I think I've had enough of my girlfriend. At least there is enough left for sandwiches tomorrow." Cannibals

#2044

I bought a car off a cannibal earlier and got ripped off. Cost me an arm and a leg. Cannibals

#2045

"I don't understand why the Crossbow Cannibal left over so many body parts of his victims! Maybe he'd bitten off more than he could chew!" Cannibals

#2046

As a cannibal, I often find the term 'baby food' very misleading. Cannibals

#2047

"As soon as I walked into the Cannibals' dinner party, someone gave me handshake. It was delicious." Cannibals

#2048

"What do Dyslexic Cannibals eat? Brians." Cannibals

#2049

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal Cannibals

#2050

"I didn't know what to make of the salesman who called to my door earlier. So I went for an old favorite. With fava beans and a nice Chianti." Cannibals

#2051

Do vegetarians count towards my 5 a day? Cannibals

#2052

"My girlfriend said that she wanted a fairytale relationship. So I ate her Grandmother." Cannibals

#2053

"A cannibal says to his mate, "That bloke I just ate keeps repeating on me." "What was his name?" His mate asks. "Dave."" Cannibals

#2054

"I had some friends for dinner yesterday. We were snowed in and I had to eat something." Cannibals

#2055

"I was always told to eat my vegetables. I still can't get my wife's screams out of my head as I tucked into our paraplegic son, Johnny." Cannibals

#2056

"Two Cannibals are having dinner. "Your wife makes a great roast," one of them says. "I know,' the other replies, "but I sure am going to miss her."" Cannibals

#2057

"I just got the new ginger version of Facebook today. It's exactly the same but it removes all the friends' options." Cannibals

#2058

"My wife's been cooking for just over an hour now. It serves her right for marrying a cannibal." Cannibals

#2059

"People in work think I'm weird because I told them that I think babies smell nice. I didn't even get the chance to add "after 3 hours at 150 degrees."" Cannibals

#2060

"I was sat with a tribe of Cannibals when the chief's daughter gave me the eye. I would have preferred a leg." Cannibals

#2061

"BBC News: Officials seek ways to double the number of tigers in the world. Just cut them in half." Cannibals

#2062

A word of Advice, never accept a cup of Joe from a cannibal Cannibals

#2063

"It was when I made sausages on my work experience that I vowed never again to work in a cannibal's butchers shop. What a way to make ends meat." Cannibals

#2064

"My wife refuses to cook. I probably need to turn the oven up." Cannibals

#2065

If I ever met a cannibal, I'd give him a piece of my mind Cannibals

#2066

I just can't wait to see the look on the faces of the families when the rescue starts at the Chilean mine and they realize that there's just one, very fat miner left down there. Cannibals

#2067

"My wife makes a nice sandwich. Next I think I'll eat the mother-in-law." Cannibals

#2068

I don't mind a Chinese, but I couldn't eat a full one though. Cannibals

#2069

"How do you make an abortion more interesting? Have it with chips!" Cannibals

#2070

"Did you hear about the Cannibals who decided to make a stew? They all had a hand in it." Cannibals

#2071

"I find it hard to eat my five vegetables a day. Mongs are so hard to find these days." Cannibals

#2072

"Once, we got seriously lost on a holiday, and eventually even had to resort to cannibalism to survive. It was tough, but our choices were either that or McDonalds." Cannibals

#2073

"Me and my mate spitroasted this brilliant girl the other day. She cooked well, and tasted delicious." Cannibals

#2074

"I always give my dog leftover bones from my dinner for him to chew on. As well as being a tasty snack, it also removes any last bit of DNA from the person they came from." Cannibals

#2075

"I've just opened a Cannibal themed restaurant. We would love to have you for dinner." Cannibals

#2076

"I was sitting among a tribe of Cannibals when one handed me a plate full of human digits. It was a finger buffet." Cannibals

#2077

Nothing beats the taste of freshly baked cakes in the oven Cannibals

#2078

"I just bought a Chinese recipe book for Cannibals. It's called, 'Dead Man Wokking'." Cannibals

#2079

"My Nan made a lovely dinner today with just cauliflower, peas and gravy. Not only healthy, but she tasted delicious." Cannibals

#2080

"A man gets stranded on a mysterious island where he comes across a stranger. Slightly worried he asks the stranger "are there any Cannibals on this island?" At which the stranger replies "no, no, no don't worry there aren't any Cannibals here..... I ate the last one"" Cannibals

#2081

"Having the boss and his wife round for dinner I tried to make everything perfect. I set the table, got out the best china and helped cook in the kitchen with the wife ... Despite the best wine, the wife's meat being perfectly tender, lovely music, it soon became obvious when the police arrived .... That they weren't into cannibalism." Cannibals

#2082

"What's the Difference between potatoes and people? I don't eat the eyes of a potato." Cannibals

#2083

"Scientists discovered two things today: A new diet-plan for Cannibals; And a cure for Anorexia." Cannibals

#2084

"Just overheard my colleague say to another colleague "Sorry, I didn't mean to bite your head off". It's hardly something you do by accident, is it?" Cannibals

#2085

"What do Mexican Cannibals like to eat? Refried Beings." Cannibals

#2086

I wonder if Cannibals are advised to try and eat five swedes a day. Cannibals

#2087

"My wifes been cooking for over an hour and still isn't done. I need to take her out and check the stove." Cannibals

#2088

At a Family Barbecue, I ended up falling out with everyone because not one of them even gave my girlfriend a chance they just stared at her black skin, I had to eat most of her myself. Racists. Cannibals

#2089

If the Crossbow Cannibal hadn't bolted his food there would have been fewer leftovers to attract attention. Cannibals

#2090

Cannibals must love finger food. Cannibals

#2091

"They say you are what you eat, so how come I'm not a dead abandoned baby?" Cannibals

#2092

""Don't put your elbows on the table, it's rude", said one cannibal to the other." Cannibals

#2093

"Butchers pedigree chunks", Quality dog food coated in a thick gravy sauce with minerals & herbs extracts.. "Made in china." Cannibals

#2094

"My wife makes the best Sunday dinner. Until the kids noticed her tattoo on the roast." Cannibals

#2095

Baby food tastes nothing like baby... Cannibals

#2096

"Finally got the ex. out of my system. Suppose it's back to buying meat from the butchers again." Cannibals

#2097

"I find it surprising there's all this uproar about eating a couple of genetically mutilated cows and how dangerous and morally wrong it is. Come on, even if I had to do most of the work, a night with 2 slags from Norfolk can't be that bad?" Cannibals

#2098

"Right then, checklist for tonight. Cianti. Check. Fava beans. Check Great. Now all I have to do is sit tight and wait for this census man." Cannibals

#2099

"My mates call me Pepperami. Not because I've got a fiery temper. It's because I ate my kids." Cannibals

#2100

"Dedication. Sacrifice. Guts. Glory. You need all these to be an Olympian... or a cannibal." Cannibals

#2101

"I saw a Department of Health poster in the waiting room at the doctor's today. It showed two sunburnt Children on a beach with the caption, "Kids Cook Quick". Nonsense. In my experience they take about 25 minutes per pound." Cannibals

#2102

"Stallone's son is dead? It's a good job I'm a cannibal, Sage goes well with pork." Cannibals

#2103

"Our local Age Concern shop had its shutters down today. I wonder if they were busy making Soy lent Green..." Cannibals

#2104

"A girl came up to me last night and said with a smile, "My mate wants a piece of you." It wasn't the best thing to hear at a cannibal party." Cannibals

#2105

"I'm cooking Christmas dinner with the wife this year. I know turkey is more traditional, but I'm sure she'll taste alright." Cannibals

#2106

If you are a literal minded cannibal, self-catering vacations are a bad idea Cannibals

#2107

"I think that my daughter is becoming sick. She just doesn't seem to be settling well in my stomach." Cannibals

#2108

A friend has just come off holiday but he's lost an arm. He said that he'll never be going Self Catering ever again....... Cannibals

#2109

"You are what you eat. Be yourself." Cannibals

#2110

"I'm the only guy I know who prefers big fat girls. But then again, I'm also the only cannibal I know." Cannibals

#2111

"Don't bother sending your Children's toys to Africa. Can you imagine how depressing it must be for those kids to receive a Tamagotchi that's going to outlive them?" Charity

#2112

"What bounces and makes kids cry? My donation cheque to Children in Need." Charity

#2113

"I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I don't donate 2 a month then people in Africa will die. I can't believe Greenpeace employ such violent people." Charity

#2114

Finally. A natural disaster in a country I don't have to give money to. Charity

#2115

If you're struggling to provide for your kids, just send them to Africa and donate 2 per month. Charity

#2116

Want to be Invisible to other people? Just stand in the doorway of a supermarket holding a Charity tin. Charity

#2117

"I think my mate is racist. I asked him to record Sport Relief last night and I told him not to bother with any of the boring bits but just the funny stuff. I've just watched two hours of dying Africans." Charity

#2118

"I was flagged down outside Greggs in the town centre today by a hippy chick with beads in her hair, ripped jeans, open-toed sandals and a blue RSPCA polo shirt. She saw me from a good 50 yards away and started waving her clipboard and grinning inanely at me. I did the obligatory look over my shoulder, look back at her, and point at myself whilst mouthing 'me?' routine, sighed and headed towards her. She bounced into the air and landed her face not three inches from mine, close enough to smell the quorn nuggets on her breath. "Hiya! Are you OK?! My name's Casa..." I held up my finger to her face and gently touched it to her lips, dragging it slowly from one side of her mouth to the other like a stoned metronome. Then without breaking eye contact once, I leant in even closer to her face and said softly, "When I was nine, I beat a puppy to death with a spade and threw it onto the roof of my neighbor's conservatory." Then I walked away, but not before screaming "RARGHH!" at some nearby pigeons." Charity

#2119

"Despite the recession Comic Relief raised 57m. I'd love to see Lenny Henry's face when my cheque for 55m bounces! Well worth the 40 quid charge." Charity

#2120

Don't spend two quid to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning, buy it back for seventy five pence. Charity

#2121

"Comic Relief-Do Something Funny for Money. I pushed a paki in front of a bus then nicked his wallet." Charity

#2122

"Have you heard of the 'Computers for Africa' Charity supplying the poorest regions with Computers and laptops to help with education? It must be nice for them to look forward to getting a virus which isn't HIV." Charity

#2123

"Due to the recession, I suggest 'Comic Relief' be renamed 'Economic Relief'. Money raised would go to people shafted by the government, instead of AIDS-ridden Africans, paraplegics and spastics who clearly have nothing to live for anyway." Charity

#2124

"Please give generously to Comic Relief. Just 30 000 is enough to send a washed up, B-list comedian and a film crew on an all-expenses paid holiday to Africa." Charity

#2125

"TV: So please, dig deep into your pockets and give generously... I would, but they're round my ankles at the minute." Charity

#2126

For just 10 a month, you can reduce your annual salary by 120. Charity

#2127

"After watching Comic Relief and seeing all the poverty it's made me realize how lucky I am. I got my 32 inch HD TV half price on the last day of the sale, it's like the flies are actually in the room." Charity

#2128

"I'm all for blokes growing a moustache for Movember. But did my wife have to join in." Charity

#2129

"I shaved my eyebrows off for Charity. Turns out they would have preferred money." Charity

#2130

With your help and continued support, from as little as 25 pounds a month, little orphan Mwogli can have 600 minutes and unlimited texts. Charity

#2131

"How do you kill an African child? Cancel the direct debit." Charity

#2132

"I'm going to sit in a bath of baked beans on Red Nose Day. Not for money. Just a show of contempt at the starving." Charity

#2133

"Tip for Charity collectors: Try standing outside Marks & Spencer and not Poundland." Charity

#2134

"I didn't give to Comic Relief this time. I've already donated over 600 quid to deprived inner city ethnic minorities this year. None of it voluntarily." Charity

#2135

"Tired of busy city streets? Simply wear a bright jacket with a Charity name on the back and watch people swerve you." Charity

#2136

"What smells of fish and sweat? Race for Life." Charity

#2137

"Lenny Henry: "I'm going to send these kids to a better place to stay." Premier Inn?" Charity

#2138

Following recent events, Haringey council has confirmed reports that they will not be helping Children In Need this year. Charity

#2139

"A quote from Sport Relief 2010: "Malaria is the biggest killer in Africa." I think Robert Mugabe will have a thing or two to say about that." Charity

#2140

"I took part in Comic Relief tonight. I got a hand job off a clown." Charity

#2141

With the credit crunch upon us, I would like to thank all the charities for understanding and leaving us with free swing bin liners every week. Charity

#2142

"Last night, I Watched David Tennant crying, as he walked among the malaria patients. It really made me think. Is there no end to this man's acting talents?" Charity

#2143

When it comes to Charity many people stop at nothing. Charity

#2144

"Joseph lives in one of the worst countries in the world. He cannot even afford an education. The hated government has recently reached a power sharing deal. However, it is corrupt with power and money and will not pay for an education. Only the very rich can afford to be educated. Just 9,000 will send Joseph to university for a year. Please, give whatever you can." Charity

#2145

"I had a water fight with a few locals to cool everybody down yesterday. My bosses at Oxfam aid Relief said that water was for drinking and have pulled me out of Kenya." Charity

#2146

"I've just got a Charity appeal letter from the NSPCC. For 2.00 a week, I can help STOP Julie doing things she doesn't understand. I've also got one from the Mong Society where for 2.00 a week I can help Susie DO things she doesn't understand. Why don't they just swap homes?" Charity

#2147

"Do Something Funny For Money! I dressed up as a priest and stood outside a primary school with a camera..." Charity

#2148

"I was coming out of Marks and Spencers earlier when a woman walked up to me and waved a Charity box right in my face. How rude! I waved a tenner in her face and walked off." Charity

#2149

"I just saw a Charity advert asking for money to help dig a well in Africa, I can't understand why they can't already do it themselves? I saw 6 spades in the picture alone." Charity

#2150

Anybody else laugh on Children in need , When Cheryl Cole was pleading for money and was talking about how many people run away each year and they showed a disabled child with no feet ? Charity

#2151

"This woman knocked at the door this morning collecting for Charity. "It's for homeless dwarfs," she explained, rattling her bucket, "we're building them a shelter in the town". So I gave her some Lego." Charity

#2152

"My manager told me that it was "dress down day" today, in light of Comic Relief. So I pulled Susan's dress down." Charity

#2153

"Say what you want about the Make a Wish foundation. But they know how to work to a deadline." Charity

#2154

"In the battle for high street supremacy, asda and Tesco have bought a full row of shops between them to turn into supermarkets leaving a tiny gap between them only big enough for a Charity shop. Still, I suppose there`s room for scope. Sub note: Americans please note that scope is a shop where people take unwanted items for resale to help Charity. It is not a thing used for looking at British soldiers with." Charity

#2155

I've been paying 2 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year, I only missed 2 payments and they've just been round and broken my cat's legs. Charity

#2156

"I just can't help but finance the local spastic's society. It's fund-a-mental to me." Charity

#2157

"I work in an office with 14 women and I am the only guy Tomorrow they have asked me to bake something for Comic Relief Rohypnol drizzle cakes! mmmmmmm...." Charity

#2158

You would have thought that after 28 years, some of these so called 'Children In Need' would have grown up by now. Charity

#2159

Do something funny this red nose day? Then why'd they arrest me for raping a clown? Charity

#2160

"An actual message from my train yesterday. "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered Charity, failing that, give it to me!"" Charity

#2161

"An advert told me that some Children have to walk in excess of 30 miles a day just to get clean water. The man at the end of the advert said that I could sponsor a childlike Amita. So I did.

I'm giving her 30p a mile." Charity

#2162

Is it just me or are Children only in need once a year? Charity

#2163

"Comic relief contradicts itself. One minute they are telling us to do something funny for money, the next, they are telling us to save black people." Charity

#2164

"I hate it when I'm watching TV and the program gets interrupted by 30 seconds of a program being shown on another channel. For example, I was watching Comic Relief the other night, but every so often a bit of Crime watch kept appearing." Charity

#2165

Just 2 more Red Nose Days and we will finally have enough to buy Africa. Charity

#2166

Is it just me, or do you think that some of the Comic Relief money sent to Africa, should be spent on condoms and the morning after pill? Charity

#2167

You know you're going to be unemployed for life when you can't get a job as a volunteer at a Charity Shop Charity

#2168

"Have you heard the latest Red Nose Day slogan? Do something funny for money I love Charity, so i robbed a midget and pushed him down the stairs" Charity

#2169

Donate two pounds a month to the NSPCC or little Tommy won't be so lucky next time. I think it's terrible how a Charity can resort to blackmail like that. Charity

#2170

"Apparently for just 187 per year I can help make sure that 11 year old Anita doesn't have to walk 4 miles to get fresh water, cook, clean or look after her 5 younger brothers and I could give her a chance to be a child. 187? That'll pay my water bill for a year. Unlucky Anita." Charity

#2171

"I've been doing a lot of overtime lately, earning plenty of extra cash, so last night, after seeing an advert with those starving African Children with their bones sticking out & all the flies around their eyes, I thought I'd do the right thing I sponsored a snow leopard" Charity

#2172

"I love having Sky+. It means I can simply fast forward through all the annoying Charity appeals." Charity

#2173

I don't know why we should give money to Charity for Africans. They always seem to find enough money to get their heads shaved. When was the last time you saw one with long hair? Charity

#2174

"I was watching the T.V last night when an advert came on asking for a three pound donation for African Children. I thought to myself, why they are asking for three pound a month when they can obviously afford to have their teeth professionally whitened?" Charity

#2175

"My little boy asked me last night if Pudsey Bear was a pirate. Why? I asked. He said; well he has a patch over his eye and takes everyone's money." Charity

#2176

Red Nose Day - A time to give your missus that one free punch without being questioned. Charity

#2177

"This year's Comic Relief raised the most money in its history. I didn't see Dawn French, so maybe they saved quite a bit on the backstage catering." Charity

#2178

Today I got stopped by 3 different Charity collectors in the street. By the time I got to the 3rd one, I said to them, 'do you people think I'm MADE of excuses?' Charity

#2179

"My mate was raising money for Charity and told me he'd entered me in the 1500m. I nearly ran a mile." Charity

#2180

"I've been watching some of the Comic Relief tonight and it really me thinking... Does anyone else find the appeal videos funnier than the sketches?" Charity

#2181

If we donate this money, we're not going to get these vuvuzelas again, are we? Charity

#2182

"I was watching comic relief last night and they said "no one in Africa has a decent job" but surely if a child dies every 15 seconds, undertakers must be rolling in it?" Charity

#2183

"I don't know if I'll be tuning into comic relief tonight. I watched it last year and thought those comedy sketches of Africa were a little in bad taste." Charity

#2184

"I saw a Charity appeal on tv asking you to send 2 a month to build wells in Africa. One chap in the video had a 5 year old Chelsea shirt on. Glory hunter." Charity

#2185

"Just to let you know, if anyone knocks on your door collecting money for Dr. Barnado's it's a scam. He died in 1905." Charity

#2186

I donated to Charity yesterday...seems they prefer money to sperm though. Charity

#2187

"Cats and dogs will happily drink dirty water out of a puddle. Yet when Africans do it, I have to donate 2 a month." Charity

#2188

Lenny Henry started Comic Relief to help all those starving kids in Africa. Hey Lenny, here's a suggestion to gather more food for those kids. Stop feeding your fat wife! Charity

#2189

Isn't it ironic that UNICEF have a dinner to raise money for starving Children? Charity

#2190

"How has Walkers raised 1million pound for comic relief? By half filling their bags of crisps." Charity

#2191

I refuse to donate to animal charities when I've seen their adverts on TV. If they can't turn a talking dog into a money making machine then they don't deserve my help. Charity

#2192

People say the West is decadent but Comic Relief showed us different. 100 can buy someone a basic shelter, so the 58million Comic Relief raised will buy some African warlord a huge palace! Charity

#2193

I want to bring awareness to the fact that disadvantaged Children from all over the country are being exploited on camera as part of a large-scale moneymaking scheme. Ringleader "Pudsey Bear" is still at large. Charity

#2194

"Watching Children In Need has made me feel really proud of my contribution. Without me they wouldn't have had half of those stories about abused kids." Charity

#2195

After years of thinking it wasn't anything I should be concerned about, I have finally given in to my conscience and decided to sponsor a needy child in the Third World. She is eleven years old, white and lives in Bradford. Charity

#2196

Wonder if Madonna has placed her order yet on Children in need Charity

#2197

"An African child dies from starvation every three seconds. On the plus side, that's less money I need to give to Children In Need next year." Charity

#2198

Some people in Africa walk eight miles every day, just to get away from Lenny Henry. Charity

#2199

"Children in need. The time of year UK houseflies get to see all their African relatives on tv." Charity

#2200

Wow Lenny, I haven't seen a black man look so good next to Cotton since my great grandfather's plantation. Charity

#2201

"I had to keep restarting my TV during comic relief. Every time they showed a film my TV went black!" Charity

#2202

I for one am impressed with Jade Goody. In her suffering she has still found time to shave her head for Comic Relief. Charity

#2203

"Watching comic relief, there's some depressing stuff on here that truly brings a tear to my eye. Little Britain and Catherine Tate in the same sketch...." Charity

#2204

You know you have a cruel streak when you put a pair of ladies trousers into a Charity collection bag destined for the Sudan. Charity

#2205

"If there are Children in need they should send them to my place. I've got a large donation I need to make." Charity

#2206

I'm watching 'Children in Need' and I'm wondering where all the British Children are. All I can see is Pakis and Blacks. That lot are just Children in need of a good Tsunami. Charity

#2207

"comic relief making famine even more funny" Charity

#2208

"Just done my Charity work for the year! Took a ginger out on a date" Charity

#2209

"Hugh Jackman is supporting a poverty campaign, encouraging the western world to try and live on just a pound a day. He looked really cool in his black limousine and Hugo Boss suit." Charity

#2210

"I recently discovered that UNICEF don't have a sense of humor. Apparently it's not funny asking the wee kids with the big bellies: "When's it due?"" Charity

#2211

"I was just watching Sports Relief on BBC1, and i couldn't help but feel sorry for all the black, uneducated, AIDs ridden people that aren't able look after themselves without our help. Poor JLS and Lenny Henry." Charity

#2212

"Personally, I think people should go that extra mile for Charity. So while I was in Africa, I helped dig a well an extra mile away from the village." Charity

#2213

"Just seen that advert about deaf and blind Children. Just 3 a month can bring a blind and deaf child into the world. But it took me 10 worth of bricks, a body bag and a lake to take mine out of this world." Charity

#2214

"I've just seen Susan Boyle singing on "Sport Relief". Singing isn't very sporty is it? Surely more people would pay up to see her try the Hurdles or something?" Charity

#2215

Whoever came up with the Charity "Computers for Africa" clearly misunderstood the meaning of an Apple a day. Charity

#2216

"I phoned the BBC and asked if Pudsey Bear could give me a donation, I said, "My legs are totally useless, I find it difficult to string a coherent sentence together and find it really hard to keep my food and drink down!" They said, "To qualify for a grant we need to know how the money will be used?" I said "It's for the taxi home ... ... I spent all my money on Stella!"" Charity

#2217

"Manchester United have donated two replica Child Size football Shirts to be auctioned on Children in Need. Ian Huntley has bid 2 ounces of snout and a phone card." Charity

#2218

"I just saw this awful video on Children in need. It read: "Kirsty is 4 years old from Hull, she regularly gets beaten by her father and is a punch bag for her drunk, drug addicted mother. So give us just 3 pounds to make a Difference in Kirsty's life." I can't believe they would do that to a little girl, bringing her up in Hull." Charity

#2219

"Seeing as its Comic Relief tonight, I thought I'd do something for money. I'm going to work." Charity

#2220

"It's good to see that on the day of the Community Shield, Manchester City are doing their bit for Charity and donating to the poor. Twenty million pounds to Everton for Jack Rodwell." Charity

#2221

"Phoned up Children in need and said I will give 50 quid for the little starving black kid who was an orphan. Apparently it is not an auction." Charity

#2222

"Whilst watching Crime watch earlier, I thought "This is more upbeat that usual" Then I realized that JLS were on Children in Need." Charity

#2223

"I have decided to do my bit for Comic Relief this year and so far have raised over 200! However, is it wrong that I'm doing it by taking bets on how long Jade has left?" Charity

#2224

"I bungee jumped for Children In Need this year and gave them a cheque for TWO THOUSAND POUNDS! It bounced." Charity

#2225

"As I sit here eating pringles, watching Concern ads on YouTube. I can't help but think, what do i want for Christmas?" Charity

#2226

Just been arrested for masturbating on my local football ground, that's the last time I attempt Sport Relief. Charity

#2227

"As I was beating up my 12 year old son when my wife walked in and screamed, " What you doing? Stop it!" I said, " I gave him 10 the other day and he totally misspent it." She said," He didn't. He gave 5 to Water Aid and the rest to a Malaria Charity." I said," Exactly. Drink and drugs!."" Charity

#2228

"Why has a separate Charity been made for Haiti? What happened to the save the apes trust?" Charity

#2229

"Children in Need. I am in need of some Children myself. Maybe we can come to some sort of agreement?" Charity

#2230

"God must see my fat wife as a Charity. He seems to be giving her body 2 pounds a month." Charity

#2231

"I think it's so great how easy it is to help charities these days. Apparently, all I have to do is thumbs up this picture." Charity

#2232

"A Charity bag for 'Kidney Research' just came through my door, Instead of doing the usual and donating old clothes I decided to save them a lot of time and money and left them a little note instead... The kidneys are located behind the abdominal cavity in the retro peritoneum, The kidneys are paired organs with several functions. They are seen in many types of Animals, including vertebrates and some invertebrates. They are an essential part of the urinary system." Charity

#2233

I wonder if we'll see Xfactor reject Gamu Nhengu on tonight's Comic Relief.. Charity

#2234

"I stand for Children. Well, part of me, anyway." Charity

#2235

"If I had a pound for every time i heard the number on Children in need I would probably make a donation" Charity

#2236

"Terry, I watched those spastic girls drooling on Children In Need earlier and I raised 6 inches." Charity

#2237

"BBC1 should explain the concept behind Sport Relief a bit better next time. I don't think their executives can even begin to imagine how hard it has been trying to crack one out over Gary Lineker and Alan Hansen." Charity

#2238

"I love Children in need, I only watch the really hilarious bits though, I turn it off when the comedians come on." Charity

#2239

After 8 pints of lager, I rang the hotline for Children in Need, and told the lady to get her calculator out, while I pledged a seven figure sum; 5,318,008. She thanked me for being so generous but asked why such an unusual figure. I told her to turn the calculator upside down and consider her own unusual figure. Charity

#2240

"Last week, Comic Relief asked me to do 'something funny for money.' I went one better, however. I did nothing - for free." Charity

#2241

"Thought I'd give donating sperm ago the other day. It turns out Oxfam arent as grateful for your help as they like to make out." Charity

#2242

"The BBC are going to have a new fund raising event next year for people who have lost limbs. It's called "hand relief"." Charity

#2243

"Our son asked what we'd like as a Silver Wedding present, so I told him to surprise us, but hinted at a stay in one of those hotels that Lenny Henry goes to on the telly. So here we are in Ethiopia in a hut built entirely from cow dung." Charity

#2244

Isn't it a bit ironic how they're trying to get us to slob around in front of the TV to watch sport relief? Charity

#2245

"If there's one thing Comic Relief has taught me tonight. I need to get out more." Charity

#2246

""SSPCA attack RSPCA over funds" I guess that it's dog-eat-dog in the animal Charity world" Charity

#2247

I'm sick of watching films of ill Africans followed by the money rising. Can we see a body count? Charity

#2248

"Just bought a bottle of water and there was an interesting Charity message on the side; "One billion people in the world don't have access to clean drinking water. You can change this. One person, one day at a time." I don't know about you guys, but I haven't got a billion days to spare..." Charity

#2249

"Children In Need Babestation for Pedophiles" Charity

#2250

"I just had a leaflet posted through my door inviting me to what sounds like a very prestigious annual fashion event. Third World Clothing Collection is on Tuesday." Charity

#2251

I try to donate to Charity, but they keep bringing my kids back. Charity

#2252

Haha, one of my colleagues has just come to work dressed as a woman for Children In Need. Congratulations, that was a very brave thing to do, Karen. Charity

#2253

"Tonight on BBC Children In Need - 'Peter Andre delivers a tribute to Michael Jackson' Hopefully in person" Charity

#2254

Children in need... A polite way of being asked "give me your money" by black kids Charity

#2255

If Children In Need really did make a Difference then I doubt we would need to keep having it every year. Charity

#2256

Stood outside Tesco with sign saying 'Help for Heroes'; in 15 minutes I had enough money for a box of them and some Quality Street. Charity

#2257

"Yesterday, I was kicked out of Oxfam for puffing Marlboros. It appears there's not much demand for second-hand smoke. Charity

#2258

""From just 2 a month you can help change someone's life." Well, it worked for Joe McElderry...." Charity

#2259

"Children in need: two of the ten beds are empty because they can't afford to keep them open. So what did you do with the 39 million raised last year?" Charity

#2260

My parents died tragically when doing a Charity bungee jump, raising money for orphans. Charity

#2261

Is Comic Relief what Dawn French used to give to Lenny Henry? Charity

#2262

19 to help an old person at Christmas! I could save a snow leopard for 3!!!! Charity

#2263

"I feel quite sorry for all the British athletes who went to Africa to make films for Sport Relief. It must be really depressing for them to realize that even starving AIDS victims with no shoes are better at running than them." Charity

#2264

"I've decided to "Do Something Funny for Money" I pushed a Spastic over and knicked his pocket money. I haven't laughed so much in ages." Charity

#2265

I can't give away my old clothes to the poor. They have enough to put up with without the add humiliation of wearing last season clothes. Charity

#2266

"Whenever Charity collectors knock on my door I just can't say no... That's why I slam the door in their face." Charity

#2267

I'm sorry, but if JLS and Lemar are too selfish to send money home, I don't see why I should feel guilty. Charity

#2268

"I was stopped in the street today by a Charity worker who said, "In the spirit of 'Mo-vember' will you grow a 'mo' to raise some much needed funds and awareness for men's health?" I replied, "In the spirit of 'November', no."" Charity

#2269

"For me, every day is Red Nose Day. Because I'm an alcoholic." Charity

#2270

Why was Miranda HArt on Comic Relief? The unfunny bits are supposed to have African Children in them. Charity

#2271

"I'm off out after in my pajamas with a bucket going shop to shop, trying to raise some money for Children in need. My two want an Xbox 360 and a Nintendo 3DS this year." Charity

#2272

Due to mankind's abuse of the environment, the whale has now become an endangered species. However, YOU can help. For just 2 a month, you can a adopt a whale and ensure they don't die out. To donate and help save the whales just ring me and ask for my wife. Charity

#2273

"Top Tip for anyone annoyed with the quality of their Refuse Collection Services. There is a new one in my area. They place white bin bags through your front door; you fill them with household waste, leave them outside your house and they collect them. The only downside is that they insist on putting disgusting pictures of kids with cancer on the side of the binbags." Charity

#2274

"This year I'm going to take a leaf out of Harringey council's book I won't be helping Children In Need" Charity

#2275

"A Charity worker stopped me as I came out of Tesco today. She said, "Would you like to make a donation for Orphaned Children?" I said, "Yeah, why not. I've got a spare few quid in my jeans." She said, "Thanks, your money will make a great Difference in Africa." I said, "My jeans are in the car, wait there, I'll just go and get them."" Charity

#2276

"So I hear Jessie J will be performing for Children In Need this year with her hit Price tag. Well if it's not about the money they won't mind me not donating this year then." Charity

#2277

"I had a cancer scare yesterday. A woman with a collection tin came towards me, fortunately I managed to cross the road before she got to me." Charity

#2278

It's not wife beating, it's just constructive criticism. Charity

#2279

Every day is Red Nose Day with alcoholism. Charity

#2280

"I am ashamed to say that whilst watching Comic Relief last night, I found myself compelled to switch channels every time the side splitting humor was interrupted by the desperate black man trying to eke out a meagre existence. Lenny Henry, give it a rest next year." Charity

#2281

"My job at the BBC is inviting guests onto our shows I sent an E-Mail to my "Celeb" group "Children In Need, are you available?" Instantly Gary Glitter replied "I'd love to come on Children In Need again"" Charity

#2282

"A friend of mine just updated her Facebook status to read: "Comic relief is starting, I should go get some tissues" "I already have mine" I commented back. She replied with "I didn't know this kind of thing upset you so much" "It doesn't"" Charity

#2283

"Just saw that NSPCC advert, the one where it shows a young black kid looking threw a bin bag for food. Poor thing.....Must be a terrible life, yano, not being smArt enough to look in the fridge." Charity

#2284

"BBC Children In Need - "There are disabled Children in every corner of the country needing your help!" Just because they are disabled don't mean you should put them in a corner! That's not right!" Charity

#2285

"It's good of Sky to support comic relief. They keep putting a little red nose in the corner of the screen." Charity

#2286

Is it just me that thinks asking Children to 'do something funny for money' is immensely inappropriate? Charity

#2287

"One of those clips of ill African Children just came on Coming Relief. My wife thought i was being all sensitive when I reached for a box of tissues. Well she couldn't of been more wrong." Charity

#2288

Watching sport relief and I see there is a lot about Adrian Chiles Shaving off his beard. In my opinion this isn't that big a deal, I mean it's not like he has much of one anyway. What I'd really like to see would be a Muslim shaving off his beard. Now that would actually be worth something. Charity

#2289

I went to the comic relief last night, and after realizing this was a once in a life time opportunity I reached over, put my hands down and stroked the red carpet a couple of times. I don't think Ann Robinson was too pleased though. Charity

#2290

"I noticed a Charity box at work the other day with packets of sweets in. It was in aid for the Great Ormond St. Hospital Trust, and I also noticed the message "Please consider the Children this Christmas" was written on it. So I nicked a couple of packets for the kids at home." Charity

#2291

"What's red and not worth paying for? A plastic nose." Charity

#2292

Am I the only one who thinks it's a bit suspicious that if you send money via post to Children In Need, it needs to be sent to Liverpool? Charity

#2293

Save on the cost of a Comic Relief red nose by using the same one from last year. Charity

#2294

"It's amazing how many new words you learn every day. I heard one today. Chuggers: Charity-muggers. The people in the street who try and steal your credit card details on behalf of disabled kids in Africa. Well I made up a word of my own today. Chunts." Charity

#2295

"I sponsored a little blind kid today. I tattooed "Fly Emirates" on his chest." Charity

#2296

I'm devastated. I've just found out that some of the money that I donated in 1984-85 for insurgent groups to buy weapons was redirected to buy food and medicines for victims of the Ethiopian famine. Charity

#2297

"Comic Relief Does Glee Club" - With a machete I hope. Charity

#2298

"They've got Comic Relief on in the pub. I said to the landlord, "Hey mate, If I wanted to see some sad Charity cases I would go home to the wife and kids."" Charity

#2299

"A black guy just said to me, "Who is that on your comic relief t/shirt?" "Don't you know," I replied. "Shakespeare?" ......Quickest black eye I ever got." Charity

#2300

"My wife was disappointed when she saw my efforts for Comic Relief, Masturbating over Hentai." Charity

#2301

"Charity is like Incest. It begins at home." Charity

#2302

"I've got a new job working as one of those Charity muggers who stops unsuspecting people in the street. The man at the NSPCC told me they weren't recruiting, but I kept him talking and eventually he realized it would be easier to just sign me up so he could get on with his day." Charity

#2303

Apparently just two pounds a week will help support Nagic and his little brother. Why can't Christian Aid run the CSA? Charity

#2304

Wow, Sport Relief? That's nothing, Basheed has to walk 12 miles a day to fetch water for his Family... Charity

#2305

Adrian chiles getting his beard shaved for sport relief id of rather given a fiver to see Christine's beard shaved off!!!! Charity

#2306

Just 3 pounds a month will help provide training for the England team. Please. Charity

#2307

"Charity mugger: How about ten pounds a month for cancer? Me: Tell you what love, for fifty, I'll give you gonorrhea" Charity

#2308

"Children In Need gets me every year. When I see those poor, penniless black kids, I understand why they went out looting in Totten ham." Charity

#2309

I think scientists have become obsolete. Nowadays you can fight cancer by just growing a moustache. Charity

#2310

Charity: Where we give them aid, and they give us aids. Charity

#2311

"Comic Relief raised a record 74m last night, with the projected total at 100 by the end of the weekend. In other news, planning permission has just been granted for two 6,000 acre solid platinum palaces in Libya and Zimbabwe." Charity

#2312

"A friend of mine hopes to raise over 1,000,000 for Charity this year. He is going to sit on top of a bonfire, whilst it is on fire. What a guy." Charity

#2313

"Watching Comic relief last night, Surely I wasn't the only Bloke watching Susan Boyle and Peter Kay's alter ego Geraldine, and thinking that Peter Kay was the Attractive one!!" Charity

#2314

"3 quid a month buys helium balloons to lift starving Africans kids up and away. I can then use the anti-aircraft gun I bought with the overseas aid." Charity

#2315

"Today's the 150th anniversary of our local RNLI. This calls for a big celebration. I think we might be pushing the boat out tonight." Charity

#2316

Just done my bit for Children in need, I loosened the cuffs on Maddie. Charity

#2317

"Just been watching Comic Relief and I found the footage of the impoverished and uneducated blacks really harrowing Why does the BBC continue to use Lenny Henry & Reggie Yates?" Charity

#2318

Gordon Brown's acting is as useless as his left eye Charity

#2319

"My wife just had a call from a Charity asking her to donate some of her clothes to some of the starving people in the world. She asked "How will giving somebody clothes stop them being hungry?" Apparently they're short of tents as well." Charity

#2320

"Co-op fair trade chocolate is made up of 93% Fairtrade ingredients. Do they make their profit from ripping off the other 7%?" Charity

#2321

"I love Children in need. ...What Charity appeal?" Charity

#2322

Watching those poor, mal-nourished African kids hasn't half made me hungry!! Charity

#2323

"My Mrs. was sat watching Comic Relief when she shouts at me to pledge.... One thing letting her out the kitchen to watch TV but asking me to clean" Charity

#2324

"The benefits of Red Nose Day are already showing, 20,000 Ghanaians were seen on a trip to Wembley." Charity

#2325

"There are so many more Charity adverts on around Christmas. Basically, Children in Africa are starving. Any money we can send they use to build wells and teach the people hygiene and farming techniques. It's amazing really how little it actually takes... To make me change the channel." Charity

#2326

"Children in need: more than a million Children in the U.K have a learning difficulty. But they don't want your sympathy. Just your money then" Charity

#2327

"The tagline to the Charity Save the Children is "No child born to die." Well, technically..." Charity

#2328

"I found a poo stain in my boxers tonight. It's fairly standard when you buy underwear from a Charity shop." Charity

#2329

"One of the things I love about this time of year is how those kind charities give out free bin bags through the letterbox. Thanks to Sue Ryder, British Heart Foundation and Children's Leukemia Research for getting into the Christmas spirit. I have saved a fortune!" Charity

#2330

If you've never sent a pair of your dirty panties to a soldier, then freedom obviously means nothing to you. Charity

#2331

"Susan Boyle and Peter Kay in the same room at the same time? I suspect editing." Charity

#2332

"A Charity worker stopped me in the street and said that some 8 year old gets paid 10 a month to make my shoes. Couldn't help but think those kids have some skills.....I couldn't even spell my name at 8 years old." Charity

#2333

"I always do a spot of fund raising during the week. I call it work." Charity

#2334

"I've been sponsoring a child in Africa for about 8 months now and I'm starting to get really annoyed. I mean, in all the photos I've been sent of little Keto, I haven't once seen my name on the front of his shirt." Charity

#2335

When I watch Comic Relief I always imagine I am bipolar. I sit all night watching celebrities making a fool of themselves and then a starving African baby comes on and always cheers me up. Charity

#2336

Nice to see nicklas bendtner making an appearance on comic relief. Charity

#2337

I think I'm being scammed. I give five pounds a month to a Charity. They're committed to beating heart disease. All the diseases I can think of make it stop. Charity

#2338

"I phoned up the Samaritans today because I was feeling really depressed having been told I have a heart defect. They entered me into next year's Marathon." Charity

#2339

"I'm doing my bit for Children in Need. So far I've collected 100 and I'm keeping it. Well, I was a child once and I need the money." Charity

#2340

"I was about to donate some money to help feed starving African Children, but decided I wanted another bag of maltesers instead. I love my life." Charity

#2341

"My wife just posted on Facebook "The Pride of Britain Awards are on TV tonight, better get the tissues ready" I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought.......what time's Hannah Montana on then?" Charity

#2342

After all the running around to collect the ten thousand pound that I raised for Children In Need for walking a whole fifty miles, I decided that I needed a car, lucky really. Charity

#2343

"I must have seen hundreds of Asians and blacks driving taxis this weekend in London which made me think... It's nice to see Comic Relief is still working" Charity

#2344

I hate the fact that they punctuate the comedy with serious unfunny sketches during Red Nose Day. My sides were splitting as I watched lots of black babies dying of Malaria when they spoiled it by sticking Michael McIntyre on. Charity

#2345

Just watching the footage of poor starving African kids on TV....makes you wonder how they manage to afford a fresh buzz cut but can't afford to buy their lunch... Charity

#2346

""Well, I'm not so sure..." I hesitantly admitted. "Please, think of the Children otherwise doomed to grow up in poverty!" he pleaded. Dad narrowly managed to convince me to get an abortion." Charity

#2347

It think it's a nice added touch how the BBC and Oxfam take starving Children, then make them drink from filthy water and stand still with flies on their face just for an advert. Charity

#2348

""If we don't receive 30million in donations over the phone by 2am then kids all over the world will suffer." No, not Children in Need, I've rounded up a few friends over the internet and we've begun taking hostages." Charity

#2349

Comic Relief; because seeing people less fortunate than us is funny. Charity

#2350

"My wife is sat on the sofa downstairs with a box of Kleenex, sobbing her heart out watching Comic Relief. I'm led on the bed with a box of Kleenex for an entirely different reason. I'm also watching Comic Relief." Charity

#2351

Berbatov donated 1 pound for every yard he's covered this season. Comic Relief were very thankful for the 3 pound donation. Charity

#2352

"It's 1.20am in the morning and I've been watching BBC's Comic Relief for over six hours. All these people donating hundreds of pounds of their own money and I must admit that I feel disgusted in myself. I should have gone to bed about 10pm, as I'm in work for 6am." Charity

#2353

"Coming home from the pub, I noticed this poster in the window of the Oxfam shop : " Think of starving Children in Africa " So , after mulling it over , I broke in and robbed the place" Charity

#2354

"Mohammed's Family can't afford a new cooker. So the government gave them a new 7 bedroom house, fully furbished and funded by the taxpayer. To Donate to Immigrants in Need, call 03457 33 22 33." Charity

#2355

After the success of the "Help our heroes" Charity campaign, I would like to ask for donations of kids underwear, Books, toys even sweets for my "Help our paedos" campaign. Charity

#2356

Ahh comic relief, the only day where i can laugh at minority races and not get called racist. Charity

#2357

Every time I click my fingers...my PA brings me and cappuccino. Charity

#2358

"I knocked one of those Charity collectors out in town today because she wouldn't stop bothering me. I couldn't care less about victims of domestic violence!" Charity

#2359

"Whilst watching the pictures of the starving African kids on Sport Relief the other night, I was choked. No not emotionally, I was halfway through the contents of a KFC bargain bucket, when a chicken bone got stuck." Charity

#2360

"Watching Lenny Henry on Comic Relief and I keep wondering. Did he pick Cotton?" Charity

#2361

"I love the skits they do on Comic Relief. My favorites are the ones with the Africans." Charity

#2362

November - the month of the year when a load of desperate attention seekers grow a moustache in the thinly veiled presence that they are doing it for Charity, when actually they think it will get girls to talk to them. Charity

#2363

"My wife's upset that I give 10 quid a month to send orphans to school in Africa. "You promised to take care of my sister's Children after she died!" she screamed." Charity

#2364

"I was in town earlier when a woman with a Charity tin came up to me and said "Care to help Children with cancer?" As much as I'd love to, I don't really have the capital funding or the Technology to accelerate malignant bone marrow cell growth. So I gave her a cigarette." Charity

#2365

I'm doing my bit for Children In Need, I'm feeding them through the cage tonight. Charity

#2366

"Surely I wasn't the only Bloke watching Susan Boyle and Peter Kay's alter ego Geraldine on Comic Relief, and thinking that Peter Kay was the Attractive one!!" Charity

#2367

"The Beatles: "All You Need Is Love." Someone let Comic Relief know." Charity

#2368

"I was walking past a beggar this morning when he said, "Excuse me mate,. I haven't eaten for 4 days." So I said, " Go on, and force yourself."" Charity

#2369

Watching these starving Children on Comic Relief is making me hungry Charity

#2370

"These days I can't walk down the street without constantly being stopped and asked for my autograph. It's not that I'm famous, I just can't seem to avoid the Save the Children chuggers." Charity

#2371

Walking in London these days is like a mine field. I mean I went out down Oxford street and by the time I got home I had sponsored 3 Africans , 2 Asians and been given enough leaflets to start my own recycling plant. Charity

#2372

"All this talk about "Children in need" and not one mention of poor Madeline McCann. She must have ran out of condoms by now." Charity

#2373

Charity muggers, the words now been shortened to "Chuggers", well, I've got a word for em... CHUNTS! Charity

#2374

Is it me, or are these malaria nets getting more expensive.... Charity

#2375

I've not been able to insult my wife since starting my new job with the Charity "The Dogs Trust" as we never put a dog down! Charity

#2376

"I and my son were stopped in the high street today by a woman and man from cancer research asking for donations. "I don't have much money," I said. "Just give what you can go without," they replied. "Okay then," I said, "son, meet your new parents."" Charity

#2377

"I don't see why I should have to sit through depressing films about starving Children in Africa, just because it's Sport Relief. I'm the one paying, surely they should be forced to watch films about how great my life is?" Charity

#2378

"A woman knocked at my door today asking if I'd be willing to give just 2 pounds to a 6 year old African orphan. I said I'm no ogre love, if he works hard enough he can have a fiver." Charity

#2379

I just donated 2,000 pounds to Sport Relief, no not because I'm a nice person, I just want to pay for the guns they will use to kill each other with Charity

#2380

"Wanted to do something for Comic Relief this year as I have never donated before, so i decided to donate a tenner for every goal Torres scored for Chelsea between him signing for them and today. Oh well, maybe next time" Charity

#2381

All of these Kenyans are so poverty-stricken...yet they still have a team in the Cricket World Cup? Charity

#2382

"I'm supporting race for life this year. By standing at the starting line with a machine gun" Charity

#2383

"I see David Beckham is among the celebrities promoting the latest 'Books for Kids' campaign. It's brilliant. I swapped all my John Grisham novels for a cute 10 year old girl." Charity

#2384

If Denis the Menace tosses me off, is that Comic Relief? Charity

#2385

All these kids in Africa, no money for food but they must have lots of money for beer, they all have beer belly's Charity

#2386

"Comic Relief.... There's going to be some sticky marvel comics tonight!" Charity

#2387

I just sent all of my Spiderman and Batman magazines to Africa. Think I got the wrong idea about comic relief. Charity

#2388

My mate told me he has a shed full of geese. I asked him for a gander... Charity

#2389

"What's a bear's favorite Charity event? The 40 Hour Salmon" Charity

#2390

People give chuggers a hard time, but the job is not easy. I have enormous sympathy for them, so, every so often, I make eye contact. Charity

#2391

"I walked out of Tesco and a guy collecting money said, "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?" I said, "Yes. That's why I just went shopping."" Charity

#2392

"I've just done my bit for water aids "Big dig" appeal. I punched my wife in the face." Charity

#2393

For sport relief every footballer has donated a week's wages, so we decided to buy Africa. Charity

#2394

"I had one of those plastic bin liners posted through my door today asking for unwanted clothes for Charity. It's great for storing all those bin liners for unwanted clothes for Charity." Charity

#2395

"I've just seen 4 poor black kids who look like they need a real good feeding, like the ones on the advert for Children in Need, Poor kids... Oh wait, its JLS." Charity

#2396

All comic relief has gone on about so far is cateracts, it's not like they've got tellys or fit women to look at. Charity

#2397

"I love a bit of comic relief, me. But then, I have got a clown fetish." Charity

#2398

"So, Comic Relief have raised over 20m yet again. Surely this year they'll spend some of it on fly spray for those poor Ethiopians!" Charity

#2399

"I'm going out to spend the day having my photo taken kissing and hugging all the Children I can find without any fear of being arrested. I love my Pudsey Bear costume." Charity

#2400

"I tried to help out my favorite Charity by donating 30 bags for life. Apparently make-a-wish foundation deem this as highly inappropriate." Charity

#2401

"I saw a soldier, with an arm missing, collecting for the "Help The Hero's" Charity today. I just stood in front of him and applauded loudly, not because he's brave or that he is collecting for a good cause, just to make him jealous." Charity

#2402

"I saw a Charity Collector in town today with a hunched back. Her coat had "Aspinall Foundation" on it. Seemed quite appropriate, really." Charity

#2403

"I do a lot of stuff for Charity but I don't like to talk about it. It's much easier to boast by blogging, tweeting and Face booking about it." Charity

#2404

When my wife asked me to sponsor her in aid of breast cancer for sport relief, I ran a mile. Charity

#2405

Comic Relief - Even all the way from Africa they find a way to mug you. Charity

#2406

"The wife was having a go at me. "Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it." "I don't know what you mean. Sit down, luv, and let's talk about it." That's when I pulled her chair away." Childish

#2407

"I was having a row with my girlfriend last night and she accused me of being Childish. What does she know? She's just a stinky poo face." Childish

#2408

"The iPhone is useless to an immature person like myself. I type "5318008" into the calculator and turn it upside down, but the screen rights itself." Childish

#2409

"My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up... So guess who is not allowed in my tree-house now!" Childish

#2410

"Got arrested at Heathrow last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane." Childish

#2411

"My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly. "Which one?" I replied, "James Junior, or the girl one?"" Childish

#2412

"Today, my girlfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our relationship, during which I took the time to make a napkin monster and attack her with it. I think it went really well." Childish

#2413

"My Girlfriend: I can't do this anymore you're too Childish. I think I need a break. Me: Have a kit-kat?" Childish

#2414

"I was telling some sheep jokes the other day. But none of them laughed and one just ran away going "baa."" Childish

#2415

"How many immature teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Your mum." Childish

#2416

"I decided it was time to tell my 8 year old son he's adopted. The wife didn't approve, but I can't resist a good prank." Childish

#2417

"My girlfriend told me that I sometimes treat her like a child. I didn't know how to react......so I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself." Childish

#2418

"I and my mate double teamed my daughter last night. She ran away crying saying it was the most unfair wrestling match ever." Childish

#2419

As a keen environmentalist, I, like most people, only wash my hands when there's someone else in the bathroom at the same time. Childish

#2420

And there we were, 2 against 2000... boy did we slaughter those 2. Childish

#2421

"Mum: What are you gonna gift grandma for her birthday? Boy: Football Mum: But your grandma doesn't play football! Boy: On my birthday she gave me Books." Childish

#2422

"I got a detention at school today after responding to the teacher with "that's what she said". She then proceeded to tell me to think long and hard about what I do in life. I now have another detention." Childish

#2423

"I have fancied this girl at work for some time but never really spoke to her too much, finally I plucked up the courage to ask her out for a drink and she said to me "I like a gentleman with a sophisticated sense of humor, I have a boyfriend already and he is much wittier than you could ever be" I was angry and thought carefully for a moment before my response...... "Well your boyfriend is a big smelly poo poo head"" Childish

#2424

"I texted my wife today saying "I love u". She replied "Oh, really? :)" And I said "Yes, it's my favorite vowel"." Childish

#2425

"To stop her four-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat. "I won't do it any more, Mummy," says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. "If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mummy?" "You'll be fatter than that," says her mother. They get on a bus and, sitting opposite them, is a very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl. "Excuse me, but do you know me?" And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've been doing!"" Childish

#2426

Police have arrested The Big Bad Wolf and charged him with the attempted murder of three of their most junior officers. Childish

#2427

"My mate called me Childish the other day, so to prove him wrong I made him eat his own words, By spelling them out in alphabetic spaghetti" Childish

#2428

"I like to stand near ATMs. When somebody types in their pin number I shout, "Got it!" and then I run away." Childish

#2429

"After watching the news coverage from the murder scene of Ashleigh Hall, it`s no wonder the guy who killed her got caught so quickly! I mean, why hide the body in a tent?" Childish

#2430

I was holding on to our new born baby a little too much recently. My missus told me to put him down. I think saying "you're small, ugly and smell" wasn't quite what she meant. Childish

#2431

"Finally. . . I've been staring at those After Eights all day." Childish

#2432

If they ever do manage to find Wally, will he be shot in the head and buried at sea as well? Childish

#2433

"My girlfriend told me she gives up and can't see me anymore. I rule at Hide & Seek." Childish

#2434

"How do you make a girl cry? Tell them they came second in Britain's Got Talent" Childish

#2435

"We used to run around in the neighborhood playing games like 'War.' I'm not proud of that. We lost some good kids." Childish

#2436

Telling a woman you work in IT Support can be such a turn off. And then a turn on again. Childish

#2437

I bought a pair of tortoise skin shoes, it took me 3 hours to walk out the shop. Childish

#2438

"There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on." The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, and whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest hands the lady $1 and says... "Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"" Childish

#2439

I have always wanted to be a comedian.............but I'm scared of being laughed at. Childish

#2440

"I brought my kids some crayons yesterday... It was a present to make my kin scrawl." Childish

#2441

"The Head Teacher of my local school asked me to perform a magic trick for the kids in wheelchairs the other day. So I climbed a ladder." Childish

#2442

"What's grey, got 4 legs and a trunk? A mouse going on holiday." Childish

#2443

"Last week in the UK a five year old child was shot dead with an air rifle. Have you ever heard of a more appropriate time for the phrase "I told you it would end in tears."?" Childish

#2444

"A dad sees his son looking bored one day and says to him, "Why don't you go over the road and see how Old Mrs. Brady is?". After only a few minutes the son comes back and says to his dad, "Mrs. Brady's very cross dad, she says it's none of your business how old she is."." Childish

#2445

"This is a true story which happened on the M1 a short while ago: A police officer had found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists and one day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem. Ten year old Dennis Porter was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "Radar Trap Ahead." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "Tips" and a bucket at his feet, full of change." Childish

#2446

"I don't think it's fair for my wife to call me immature. Fair enough, I did purposely buy the same telly as my neighbors so I could stand outside their house and change their channels with my remote, but who doesn't?" Childish

#2447

Got young Children? When the wife takes them to a supermarket, tell them that no matter how fast they run at it, automatic doors will always open in time... Childish

#2448

"I don't like cheesy jokes... They aren't mature enough." Childish

#2449

"Knock Knock Come in.... Well this is awkward" Childish

#2450

"My mom told me it's about high time I grew up and become independent I nearly choked on her breast milk!" Childish

#2451

"Lonely man has car for sale. Low Mileage. Drives lovely. Time wasters welcome." Childish

#2452

"My wife said to me, "I'm sick of you being very immature. Any more of it and I'm leaving you." I said, "I'm sorry." She said, "Well at least you apologized." I said, "No, I just farted, hehe."" Childish

#2453

"If you ever want a bit of a laugh then tell a bunch of builders that there is a group of students going around dressed as coppers and winding everybody up. Then ring the police and tell them there are a group of students dressed up as builders vandalizing your street. Sit back and enjoy." Childish

#2454

"Boss: "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but I'm going to have to let you go, your immaturity in the workplace has gone too far, and quite frankly you're just plain obnoxious and Childish" Me: "I know you are but what am I?"" Childish

#2455

"My Girlfriend left me, claiming that I was just too Childish. So I flicked a bogey at her" Childish

#2456

"Humpty dumpty sat on the wall Humpty dumpty had a great fall all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put humpty together again. It's a pity they let the horses try first, resulting in the further smashing of the intact pieces the army could have put together with some superglue." Childish

#2457

"My wife left me last night for using too many abbreviations I was like wtf?" Childish

#2458

"The government's committee for dealing with emergency events is called "COBRA". With a name like that, I bet they meet up in a tree house, have a 'No girls allowed' rule, and give each other codenames like "Nighthawk" and "Big Dog"." Childish

#2459

"Tried to impress my wife this morning by putting all the plates in the dishwasher before she came home. Apparently, we don't have a dishwasher. Another washing machine ruined..." Childish

#2460

"Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you laugh for no reason, in which case you need medicine." Childish

#2461

Sometimes I wish I had a lower IQ so I could understand what the wife is saying Childish

#2462

"My wife keeps telling me to grow up. Well this shall stop from tomorrow morning, when my power ranger stilts arrive in the post." Childish

#2463

"My mate told me I was unoriginal, so is his mum!" Childish

#2464

"My friend told me i was Childish and immature the other day but then so is his mum!" Childish

#2465

Just had a 9 to 5 shift at child line it was the hardest 8 hours of my life. Childish

#2466

"I tagged my mate in a photo on Facebook. He reported me to our boss in ASDA and now I'm no longer to be trusted with the price gun." Childish

#2467

"Are you smArter than a ten year old? Yes I know that if a stranger offers me some sweets, it will probably end up with me getting fisted..." Childish

#2468

"I often have flings with birds, then end up smashing their back doors in and destroying them outside in the woods. How I love playing Angry Birds on my phone." Childish

#2469

"My mate was named after his father. They called him "Dad"." Childish

#2470

"I told the wife I was going to a fancy dress party as one of the Seven Dwarfs. She said. "Don't be stupid." Silly cow thinks that was one of them." Childish

#2471

My wife called me immature today. So I told her to look down her blouse and spell the word A-T-T-I-C out loud. Childish

#2472

"I was in Tesco yesterday and it was announced over the tannoy that a child was lost in the store followed by a full description of what the child was wearing. Bit like 'Scramble' but for Pedophiles!" Childish

#2473

"I'm the kind of guy who laughs in the face of adversity. Mostly other people's." Childish

#2474

"Even though I'm a monster, I find it hard to fall asleep. I always feel like there's something on top of my bed." Childish

#2475

"How's the treatment for compulsive lying going? Brilliantly." Childish

#2476

"My friend recently sent me a 'chain letter' so I decided to show you all our email conversation - "if u don't send this chain 2 10 people in the next hour u will see a dead gurl in ur bedroom tonight' "Oh great! She'll fit in nicely with the other two there!"" Childish

#2477

"I always have a bit of banter with the professor who lives next door, but this morning he turned round and said that my ripostes, "reflect a personality that too readily regresses into inane juvenile protestations." I said, "No, that's you."" Childish

#2478

You know you truly still are a child when you take an orange segment, put it in your mouth and pretend you're a boxer. Childish

#2479

How come Deaf people always find the time to play charades. Childish

#2480

"It's cute when your child comes home from nursery and tells you that she's got a new boyfriend... ...this changes however, when you find out that he is older than you..." Childish

#2481

Apparently, I always put Childish phrases into sentences when they are not needed, well that's what she said. Childish

#2482

Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride." Childish

#2483

"I hate working in a posh school. Roll call is the worst. "Tarquin" "Sir" "Wilton" "Sir" "Emency" "Sir" "Tarquin Wilton Emency Phillips Boucher! Please stop interrupting me!"" Childish

#2484

""I got ripped in 4 weeks" Oh and I see you got a face lift while you were at it." Childish

#2485

"As I stared through the bars of my cage, I was surprised to see the witch eating her own house made of sweets. Then I realized that it must be that time of the month." Childish

#2486

"Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because it was chicken" Childish

#2487

"Everyone said me and the wife were way too young and immature to get married. Joke's on them. We're expecting our third Tamagotchi in a week's time." Childish

#2488

"Critics said my career as a comedian was over. "That's just your opinion", I quipped. They were right." Childish

#2489

""What is wet, slippery and smells?" "Son you think this kind of joke is appropriate at the dinner table!?" "Well we are eating pickles....."" Childish

#2490

"It's my girlfriend's birthday in a couple of weeks, I really don't know what to get her. We've been together for nearly 8 years. I just don't really know what 8 year olds like." Childish

#2491

"My wife said that I need to stop acting like a kid and be upfront with her more. I said, "I can't, because the rear child safety locks are on!"" Childish

#2492

"Why couldn't the pirates play cards? The captain was standing on the deck" Childish

#2493

"If i was down that mine, in a big, dark cave, Hide & seek anyone?" Childish

#2494

"Justin Bieber's Hair cut: 45 Justin Biebe'rs Wardrobe: 150 Justin Bieber's talent: Worthless For every 'Tard, there is a Master 'Tard." Childish

#2495

I just saw a bird versus squirrel fight. A car won. Childish

#2496

"People look at me strange when I buy tampons at the supermarket. "They're for the wife," I say patiently, as I pack them away. Then I readjust my DArth Vader helmet and walk out all dignified like." Childish

#2497

"It really amuses me when people approach my car door and I pull away then stop halfway down the street, and pull away again. I know it's Childish, but it gets rather boring being a taxi driver." Childish

#2498

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. Childish

#2499

"BBC News - Donagh victims 'Forgotten about' Erm... Who?" Childish

#2500

"What do you get when you cross a cow with an Arab? Milk Sheikh" Childish

#2501

"I don't get all these 10 year olds being teased for not having a date. I mean, when I was their age I was shunned for not knowing how to do an arm fart." Childish

#2502

"I was going to say that the Sooties had a clean Sweep. But I'm afraid they'll Sue." Childish

#2503

"As we drove past an elderly couple walking a Labrador earlier, my girlfriend said to me: "Isn't it weird, ever since we have had a dog, I now always notice lots of dogs when we're out" I said, "I know exactly what you mean, ever since I've had a girlfriend, I now notice lots of girls when we're out!"" Childish

#2504

"After my dinner guests complaining my Stir Fry was a little salty, I went back to the kitchen to see where I could have gone wrong. "ahhhh" I thought that's it as I read the recipe book, Step 4-Toss in the pan. They should really be clearer." Childish

#2505

"My girlfriend said that I "don't ever take anything in my life seriously". "This is not true", I said, "but I can't prove you wrong right now, I have an important phone call to do". "Who you gonna call?" she asked. "Ghostbusters", I said and giggled. We had some beautiful times together..." Childish

#2506

Can you say 'Iced Ink' 5 times fast? Childish

#2507

"My boss stopped a meeting today due to my 'disruptive behavior', he pulled me to one side and told me that if I continued to act in such a juvenile manner then I would be severely penalized. I couldn't help but laugh; 'penalized' sounds a little bit rude." Childish

#2508

"I used to be a safe driver, but I give up. After all , who wants to drive a safe." Childish

#2509

"My mate told me I was really slow yesterday when we were in the pub. I quickly came back with "Your mum's really slow." Unfortunately he couldn't hear it as he had left hours ago." Childish

#2510

"My local sperm bank is having a Pancake day fund raiser. All I could think was who would give a toss?" Childish

#2511

"We've spent years trying to make a baby, but me and the wife have stuck together and finally made one. It's the hardest Airfix kit we've ever done." Childish

#2512

A Swedish comedian just made fun out of Steve Jobs, saying that he was going to have an interactive tombstone called die Pad. Childish

#2513

"What's yellow and can't swim? A Bulldozer." Childish

#2514

"My wife accused me of being Childish as we left the fair, so I wouldn't let it go. "Alright, you're not Childish, but for God's sake let it go will you?" my wife moaned. "Not until you say you're sorry and that I'm not Childish" I replied. "Ok, I'm sorry and you're not Childish, now please, just let it go" she sighed. Satisfied she meant it and with a smug grin on my face, I wound down the car window and finally let my Mickey Mouse helium balloon go." Childish

#2515

I've just bought a Fairtrade chocolate bar from my local shop. You can almost taste the happy Africans Childish

#2516

Ageing - Paedophiles worst nightmare. Childish

#2517

"My mum said that if I don't stop acting like such a child I will never amount to anything. Then she stormed off, forgetting to turn on my nightlight I might add." Childish

#2518

I'm the type of guy that likes to hold a plastic gun to an ATM when I draw out cash. Childish

#2519

"Sometimes my friend's don't get me. It's like I'm not even playing tag with them." Childish

#2520

"Breaking news: An egg fell off the shelves in Tesco this morning and smashed on the floor. The next of Kinder have been informed." Childish

#2521

"My wife thinks that I'm too Childish and says that if I don't get down from on top of the wardrobe she is moving out. I'm the one that is safe from the hot lava." Childish

#2522

"People say my jokes are quite cheesy... Personally, I think they're quite mature" Childish

#2523

My girlfriend told me all I'm getting for Christmas is an empty sack. jackpot! Childish

#2524

"The wife just said that she wants to try out swinging. That's fine, just as long as she doesn't expect me to be the one pushing the fat lump." Childish

#2525

"Things are getting a bit Childish in here. Come on, Teddy, we're leaving." Childish

#2526

My 10 year old son came up to me today and asked "daddy I hate it when I go to the toilet and my Willie dangles in the water at the bottom" man I need a DNA test. Childish

#2527

"I have girls crawling at my feet! Yeah I work in a disabled home" Childish

#2528

I was messing about the other day and someone told me to act my age and not my shoe size, which seemed odd to me. I wear a 44. Childish

#2529

"I'm sick and tired of my girlfriend insulting my friends. She hasn't even met them. What right does she have to call them stupid, Childish and imaginary?" Childish

#2530

I started to charge my phone earlier.... until the wife said, "Take that kids plastic Viking helmet off your head and STOP pretending you're a bull." Childish

#2531

"My girlfriend accused me of being Childish and argumentative. I said, 'No I'm not, you are.' Shut her up." Childish

#2532

"What do you call an up-to-date raisin? Currant." Childish

#2533

"During my volcano expedition I had to avoid stepping on the lava at all costs. Until mum came in, and said to stop pretending that the carpet is molten rock and to put the cushions away." Childish

#2534

I thought that 'Snap' was the easiest card game ever until someone pointed out that you lay the cards down face up. Childish

#2535

"If there is one thing that irritates me about my wife it is the way she dresses. For instance, she spent about an hour trying to put on some underwear this morning. She argues that she would have got them on much sooner, if I would have stopped kicking my legs petulantly." Childish

#2536

"People say Google suggestions are always correct. So how come I never get any suggestions when I've typed in 'Child p'?" Childish

#2537

Roses are red, violets are blue, what I thought to be Vaseline turned out to be glue Childish

#2538

"ITV 1 6.30pm: You've been framed! Kids edition Sickipedia 6.30pm: 0 users online" Childish

#2539

People who say they shave every day are just bare-faced liars. Childish

#2540

"I stuck a label on my roommates back saying "I sleep with kids" as he was heading out for his first day of work. He later got sacked from the nursery." Childish

#2541

"I'm currently spying on my neighbor on my bike, thinking, that's my bike" Childish

#2542

If you're addicted to immature calculator jokes, call our helpline: 58008 5138008 Childish

#2543

My wife said to me "I'm leaving you, you're the laziest man I've ever met. I'll be back tomorrow to collect my stuff" "Please don't babe" I begged "Come back Monday instead. It's your turn to take out the bins." Childish

#2544

"My girlfriend stormed into the room and said I'm obsessed with retro Children's TV shows. I dropped a Clanger." Childish

#2545

"My wife threw me out for being too Childish last night. God knows how she knocked down the walls of my impenetrable pillow fort to get to me." Childish

#2546

"My wife just caught me flicking our daughter's bean. I don't care though, they're really fun when they jump about." Childish

#2547

Just had a row with my son over Peter Pan. It's about time he grew up. Childish

#2548

"My wife said she's leaving me 'because my displays of immaturity over the course of our relationship number too many to recall'. Heh heh heh. She said 'number two'." Childish

#2549

"My wife had the cheek to call me "Immature". Unfortunately for her, I said it at the exact same time so now she's Jinxed!" Childish

#2550

"My girlfriend walked in and said I'm too Childish for her. I nearly chocked on my lego." Childish

#2551

"I was sat in my police car when I got a shout on the radio that there was a robbery in progress. I got there as quick as i could, just in time to catch one of them. We struggled violently, and I ended up getting him in a very painful arm lock. He struggled some more, so i knocked him out with a left hook. For some reason, my 6 year old doesn't want to play with me anymore" Childish

#2552

"My mum is kicking me out of the house. She says it's time for me to grow up, and stop living like I'm a teenager in the 90's. What among..." Childish

#2553

It's got to the point where i wear my headset whilst playing my Xbox even when i have no friends online. Just so i don't have to talk to my wife. Childish

#2554

"A cannibal gets fed up with his wife and decides to kill her and serve her to the rest of the Family, leaving them unaware it is their mum they are eating. They are all enjoying the dinner when the daughter turns to the father and says, "This is lovely, dad. What is it?" "Your mum," says the dad. The daughter says, "I think you're a bit old for Childish remarks, dad."" Childish

#2555

"Why is it when you say I love Children it is seen as nice but when you get specific it is weird I love 8 year olds" Childish

#2556

"I and my girlfriend were arguing the other night, and to cut a long story short, I was told that I'm 'too Childish' for her and that maybe I should sleep on the sofa. The next morning, she came downstairs all apologetic. However, I chose to ignore her in the fort I had created." Childish

#2557

Just took a dump in the ladies bathroom at work. The men's room was open, but i just wanted to show them ladies who's boss. Childish

#2558

"My wife said to me, "I can't stand being around an immature little man anymore. Put yourself in my shoes." I said, "No thanks, I'm not your size."" Childish

#2559

I'm the type of guy who puts the poo in swimming pool. Childish

#2560

"After years of narrowing down the different types of human pattern scientist have finally narrowed it down to two. 1) The 9-5: living by the system finding a girls settling down getting married, kids, the works. 2) Call of duty." Childish

#2561

Nothing says Chav better than 'Man throws ex's hamster out of first floor council flat window'. Childish

#2562

""Doctor Doctor! I think I'm a deck of cards" "I knew that when you shuffled into my surgery"!" Childish

#2563

"Having not lost a tennis match in 4 years, I was furious at losing today with the umpire making some terrible decisions. "For crying out loud Dave, Luke is only 7, letting him win just once won't kill you" said the wife." Childish

#2564

Entered a farting contest the other day. Mine wasn't the best but it wasn't to be sniffed at. Childish

#2565

"With his trousers down round his ankles he said.. "Look, they're small, smelly, and this one no longer stands up on command" .... "Sargent, when I asked how your privates were doing, that's not exactly what I had in mind.."" Childish

#2566

I'm not superficial. I try to be nice to ugly people. In case I ever need someone to babysit on short notice. Childish

#2567

Unicorns aren't extinct - they just gained weight and are now called rhinos Childish

#2568

"Bob`s father bought him a cowboy outfit for his birthday.. That`s when he became a builder.." Childish

#2569

"If you were unlucky enough to lose your thumb..... Would the bottom of your sandwich fall off?" Childish

#2570

"The missus puts a smile on my face every morning.... But it's nowhere near as neat as the specs and tash I put on her while SHE'S asleep! Biro's ROCK!!!" Childish

#2571

"I and the Mrs. were having another fight so I demanded she got off my back. I was in no mood to give her or anyone else a piggyback." Childish

#2572

I've lived a life full of mistakes...I mean regrets. Childish

#2573

"Who's boss of the pencil case? The Ruler." Childish

#2574

"This bird was flirting with me in the pub. "I wear a DD bra," she whispered. "That's OK," I said. "I wear Tum-Tiddly-Um underpants"." Childish

#2575

"My mom lost her credit card today, she accused everyone of taking it and got everyone really stressed, a Family friend asked her, after an hour of looking, if it was in her bra. Long behold she pulled it out and we all laughed at her. We never found that card.." Childish

#2576

"I had to leave the army because my Childish commanding officers kept getting me in trouble. Major Look and Major Stare." Childish

#2577

"How do you stop a baby exploding in the microwave? Stab holes in it." Childish

#2578

"World Book Day next week and you're supposed to dress up as someone from a book. I'm dressing up as myself, from Facebook." Childish

#2579

"I was having a discussion with my wife today. She was going on about how I was too immature and Childish for her and that she thinks we should terminate our marriage. "If you ever grow up, come and find me." she said, "But right now, it's over". I broke down into tears at this point. As I hadn't laughed so hard in years." Childish

#2580

"What happens if you hook up two 9V batteries to a raisin? You get an electric current." Childish

#2581

"I'm going to open a bar called Rapunzel's. That way the ladies can really let their hair down." Childish

#2582

"My mum said I'll be in shock at uni because I'm too Childish. That's pathetic, just because I didn't let her in my castle to play with my dragons." Childish

#2583

If your parents never had Children, chances are you won't either Childish

#2584

"Not got Children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone." Children

#2585

"A guy asks his girlfriend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamborghini Countach - she loves this car and she goes everywhere in it. One day, she picks up her kids from school. She's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor, "Where is my son? He was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham." The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he won't be able to kick a football anymore." The woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at Wimbledon." The doctor says, "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she won't be able to pick up a racket anymore." She begins to cry. "Doctor," asks the woman, "how long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, "Six months." "So what's the date?" asks the woman. "April 1st," says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking then, were you?" Doctor: "YES... they both died on impact."" Children

#2586

"I felt like a fool when I bought Amy Winehouse tickets for my daughter and then remembered that she died last year. Even more so when I remembered that Amy Winehouse died too." Children

#2587

"I couldn't get to sleep last night. There were loud noises outside, and I kept tossing and turning, but I just couldn't get comfortable, I was hot, then freezing, then itchy, it was unbearable. Then I thought of the Children in Haiti who have been forced to sleep on what's left of their streets.. And then I thought, great, now I have an erection to add to my list of distractions." Children

#2588

I've got three kids, ten, eight and five. Weird names, I know. Children

#2589

"The other day my six-year-old son said: "When I grow up, I want to get the highest score on Sickipedia." I said: "You can't do both."" Children

#2590

"Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of Children came up. The bride said she wanted three Children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."" Children

#2591

"A man arrives home from work and finds his wife stressed because the kids had been running wild all day. She asks if he would take them out for a pizza. He told the kids to go into the garage. He followed them. A few moments later the wife hears two loud bangs. The guy comes back into the house and asks "Where's my pizza?"" Children

#2592

"When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny. By the time I was 16 I owned my own house." Children

#2593

"A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a 2 pound coin in one hand and two 50ps in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the two 50ps and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy next to an ice cream van. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two 50ps instead of the 2 pound coin?" The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, "Because, the day I take the 2 pound coin, the game is over."" Children

#2594

Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you. Children

#2595

"My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly. "Which one?" I replied, "James Junior, or the girl one?"" Children

#2596

"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names." Children

#2597

"How do you get a child to stop wetting the bed? Give him an electric blanket" Children

#2598

"Ahhh memories. I remember my mother used to say "There's a train coming, there's a train coming" when she fed me. I used to gobble up the food. Well if I didn't she wouldn't untie me from the tracks." Children

#2599

"I've got three Children, one of each. A boy, a girl and an 800-metre sprinter." Children

#2600

"My wife and I have seven kids, which I'll admit is an awful lot. But we're committed, and we're going to keep on trying until we get one we like." Children

#2601

"My five year old son painted his 'Bob the Builder' action toy black. I told him he's ruined it, it'll never work again." Children

#2602

"I just watched my daughter's netball team play for a place in the under eleven's final. What a semi." Children

#2603

"I failed my driving test again, today. There were a couple of minors. The examiner said that I was right slowing down by the school, but wolf whistling is a definite no-no." Children

#2604

"A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?" The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't wealy fink my anaconda gives a phuc."" Children

#2605

"My wife and I had to run to the shops for five minutes, and so we left our four-year-old son unattended with a jigsaw to keep him amused. Imagine our surprise when we came back to discover he had sawn off four of his fingers." Children

#2606

"'Boy of four dies in tumble dryer during a game of hide and seek' Police say his last words were, "I'm getting warmer."" Children

#2607

"I had a threesome with two young girls last night. They had a combined age of 19 so I presume what I did was completely legal." Children

#2608

"The wife and I decided to flip a coin to see what our newborn son should be called. He's called Tails." Children

#2609

"What's the hardest part of telling your son he's adopted? For me it was learning Chinese." Children

#2610

"I and my wife have different ways to discipline our kids. She threatens them by saying, "Just wait until your father gets home." I say, "Just wait until your mother goes out."" Children

#2611

"I have one of those 'Anti Bullying' wrist bands ...... I stole it from a fat ginger kid!" Children

#2612

The Slinky: Crushing the happiness of Children living in bungalows since 1945. Children

#2613

"We put our kids to sleep by tossing them in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work." Children

#2614

"Happy Mother's Day to all my neighbors on the estate. Remember: if you go out for a meal, take it easy on the WKD as you've got school tomorrow and it's nearly GCSE time." Children

#2615

"My little girl came to me the other day and said, "Daddy, what is sadness?" I couldn't think of anything to say, so I ran her dog over." Children

#2616

"I and my wife saw a young boy in rags sitting outside Tesco. My wife asked, "Awww are you an orphan?" He replied, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."" Children

#2617

"During a blazing row with my youngest son, he turned to me and screamed, "I wish I was adopted". Well, it's taken six months and a lot of paperwork, but finally I've managed to make his wish come true." Children

#2618

""Your son just called me an old cow!" said my neighbor. "That's disgraceful," I said. "I keep telling him not to judge people by their appearance."" Children

#2619

"Just heard ex-nanny Louise Woodward is back in England and working at my local McDonald's. All kids get a free shake." Children

#2620

"I was sat on the bus today when a little girl nearby, who had been on the bus for a good hour, said to her mum, "I can't feel my legs!" I leaned over and asked politely, "Can I?" And that's when the police got involved." Children

#2621

"Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."" Children

#2622

"Child locks. Preventing kids escaping from burning vehicles since the 1980s." Children

#2623

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once. Children

#2624

"When I have a kid, I'm going to buy one of those prams for twins. Then put the kid in it, and run around looking frantic." Children

#2625

"My son said to me yesterday, "Dad, my mum reckons I get my intelligence from her, is that right?" I replied, "Well, it must be, I've still got mine."" Children

#2626

"I was watching my son splashing around in the bath this morning. Unfortunately my wife came in and grabbed him before he drowned." Children

#2627

"My daughter was really upset when she found out her new gold earrings were only gold plated. Not as upset as I was, they're leaving a green rash on my thighs." Children

#2628

"When I was six I was a bit of a knife addict. I was also an only child......eventually." Children

#2629

"I coach a schoolboy football team. In today's match, and the very last kick of the game, our goalkeeper let the ball through his legs and gave away the goal that cost us the match. After the game he came over and said, "Sorry, coach, I should have kept my legs shut." I said, "It's not your fault, Jimmy. It's your mother who should have kept her legs shut."" Children

#2630

"Want to enjoy your holiday but the kids are too noisy around the pool? Try putting the armbands on their ankles, it works every time...." Children

#2631

"A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the Difference between confident and confidential?" Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That's confidential."" Children

#2632

"A little boy comes running into the house and says, "Mummy, can little girls have babies?" His mum replies, "No, of course not." The little boy runs back outside and yells, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"" Children

#2633

"Why did the little girl fall over? Because I threw a brick at her head!" Children

#2634

"I'm like a God in my Kid's eyes, they are told that I created them, but they have never seen me." Children

#2635

"My son said, "What's your biggest regret dad?" I said, "I'm not sure son... Who's taller, you or your brother?"" Children

#2636

"What do you call a man with twin teenage daughters? Mate." Children

#2637

Why should I be the one to take the kids to see their psychologist? I don't even love them. Children

#2638

"As I looked at our son, I said to my wife, "It's amazing how much snot you can get up the nose of a one year old." She said, "Will you stop doing that."" Children

#2639

"I hurt my back today.. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off." Children

#2640

I'm not saying your child is ugly... I'm just saying you will never have to worry about paedophiles. Children

#2641

"I don't like Children. What people don't seem to realize is that babies are here to replace us. Once you understand that you can see just how sinister they are." Children

#2642

"I'm watching my neighbor's kids whilst they are away on holiday. If they leave that door unlocked, I'm in there." Children

#2643

"Tip for the day: When a Census taker asks how many Children you have, the correct answer is not, "As many as I can catch"." Children

#2644

"My mate asked me why my Children always blame it on someone else. I said, "I'm not sure, they must get it from their mother."" Children

#2645

If sperm's really good for the skin, why has my daughter still got eczema? Children

#2646

"The Government has decided that cough medicines don't work on Children under 12 and are withdrawing them from sale. I beg to differ, I find it makes them nice and drowsy." Children

#2647

"Today I am going to be a dad for the first time. Neglecting my kids for the last 12 years is probably long enough." Children

#2648

"I was never my parent's favorite when I was growing up. Which, considering I'm an only child..." Children

#2649

"I would like to put forward my nomination for the "Protester of the Year Award"... Every weekday morning and afternoon without fail there is a man who stands outside our local school protesting. He dresses himself all in yellow and he holds a small round placard that simply reads "Stop Children" That to me is dedication to a worthy cause and deserves recognition." Children

#2650

"I decided to sponsor a third world child. As it turns out he was too malnourished to finish the fun run so I didn't pay him." Children

#2651

"I was talking with my girlfriend last night when I said that ugly Children are terrible and should be kept in a cage. She didn't take it well at all. She stared at me and angrily said, "Well, what would you do if I gave birth to a child that was ugly?" I replied, "I'd love it as if it were my own!"" Children

#2652

"I thought I'd give my Children a surprise this Christmas. So I didn't buy them anything." Children

#2653

"TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet." Children

#2654

Apparently, when your teenage child appears from their room after many hours perfecting their "look", you are not supposed to laugh. Children

#2655

I used to think Santa Claus was a paedophile... Turned out it was my uncle Frank all along. Children

#2656

"My wife just gave birth to our son, he was six nine and healthy. I think I'll have to buy him a new cot though, because I didn't expect him to be that tall." Children

#2657

"What's the best present to get a dying child? A dying puppy." Children

#2658

"When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"" Children

#2659

"A recent survey, carried out in Scotland, proved that the first child to be born in a Family is USUALLY the MOST INTELLIGENT child within that particular Family. American researchers (not wanting to be outdone) took this study one step forward and proved that the first child to be born in a Family is ALWAYS the ELDEST child within that particular Family." Children

#2660

I've just been in McDonald's and I've seen four girls who have the face of a 12 year old and the body of a girl who's name ends in .jpg Children

#2661

"They say that Children are our most valuable natural resource. I agree. In fact, I've already started drilling." Children

#2662

"Shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother went out to the hairdressers. Father stayed home to care for their son, soon the baby started crying. The father did everything possible to stop the crying, but the baby wouldn't stop. Worried he took the baby to the doctors. The Doctor examined the baby's ears, chest then down to the nappy area. When he undid the nappy, he found the nappy was full. "Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "he needs to be changed." The father was perplexed," but the nappy packaging says it good for up to 10lbs."" Children

#2663

I really hate reading the kids a bedtime story when my wife's too tired to do it. Tonight should be the last time though - I'm reading them the Exorcist. Children

#2664

I was as ugly as a child that I had a tinted incubator. Children

#2665

"Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining Children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"" Children

#2666

"I overheard my son and daughter complaining the other day that I act more like a boss than a father towards them. So I've invited them both to a disciplinary hearing at 10.00 next Monday morning." Children

#2667

I saw a black couple on the news who had been jailed for beating their child and I thought, "Wow, I'm so glad my parents weren't like that... or I'd be black" Children

#2668

"What's the Difference between Batman and Madeleine McCann? Batman returns." Children

#2669

Whenever my young son cries too much, I show him his birth video in reverse and tell him that's what happens to kids who don't stop crying. Children

#2670

"My son invited his posh friend to his birthday party. I asked him, "What's your favorite game, Tarquin?" He said, "Partridge, but I'm partial to grouse in season."" Children

#2671

"When my boss asked me why I was leaving so early, "I'm going to pick the kids up before their parents get there," was not the answer I should have given." Children

#2672

I was asked by my local community center to play Simon says with the kids. According to the parents Simon does not say take off your clothes. Children

#2673

I had to take my son to the emergency room today after my attempt at teaching him to ride a bike went wrong. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have started with a Kawasaki Ninja. Children

#2674

"I hit my nephew yesterday.... My sister was absolutely hysterical. but then I was in an Audi and he was playing in the driveway....." Children

#2675

Little kid fell in the hole I dug in my garden, when he hit the bottom there was a splash from the water below. Couldn't help but think, Oh well. Children

#2676

"I don't know if I'm a bit sick; but when you're out shopping, does no one else find it funny when distracted toddlers walk into things... ...like the road" Children

#2677

I fed my Children some radioactive laxatives the other day....You should have seen their little faces light up....... Children

#2678

I scored 556 in a cricket match today. I could have scored more, but after nearly 6 hours at the crease my wife insisted I let my son have a bat. Children

#2679

"My wife kept telling me I should show my son a bit more affection. So now I pat it on the head when I get home from work." Children

#2680

"I complained to my newsagent that my paperboy is coming earlier every morning. He's promised me my next one will have more stamina." Children

#2681

"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from Children."" Children

#2682

"I said to my son, "what you doing?" "Maths homework." I said, "Give us a question."

"What's the lowest common denominator?" I said, "You'll never find it, they were looking for that when I was at school."" Children

#2683

"My daughter's just hit the age where she asks questions about everything. What are you doing daddy? Why is that inside me daddy? Why does it taste funny daddy? It's hard feeding your kids vegetables." Children

#2684

"I feel sorry for kids nowadays, especially when they see a toy advertised on television. They want it but can't have it because their parents have to be 18 or older to buy it." Children

#2685

"My neighbors' kids were building a snowman, and asked me for a carrot and two lumps of coal. The way kids are these days, I suppose it was a bit naive of me to expect that they'd use them for its face." Children

#2686

"I tried to begin the magic, by telling my kids just like in the advert on TV... I peeled back the paper revealing the writing, "We're going to Disneyland...." They were so excited until I removed it entirely, and it said "...Paris."" Children

#2687

"My 11yr old son was sent home from school yesterday, accompanied by the police, just for having a little gash on his finger. Admittedly, it did belong to the headmistress............." Children

#2688

Nothing says "I was bullied at school" quite like becoming a copper Children

#2689

"I was fired from my job as a Children's magician today... Apparently, when I make the kids disappear, I also have to make them re-appear." Children

#2690

"I took my twins into town today to get fitted for their first bras. They complained and said they will get teased at school, especially by the other boys in the football team." Children

#2691

"I've never read my daughter's diary. No kid that sits and writes in a diary is doing anything worth worrying about." Children

#2692

"Asians. If you're good at something there is always an eight year old Asian kid that can do it better." Children

#2693

"A little boy walks into his kitchen and says, "Dad, there's a man knocking on the door with a beard." His dad replies, "Oh, no wonder I didn't hear him!"" Children

#2694

"My 7 year old son wet himself this morning and all I said was "Urine trouble?" and he wet himself again. Now that's power." Children

#2695

"Social services has just taken my 2 year old off me for no reason what so ever. I don't even know if his new parents will even let him smoke in the house!" Children

#2696

"It's really difficult finding things to do with the kids during the holidays. My eldest wanted to go and see Cars and the youngest wanted to go to the park. We've had to compromise, so we're in Asda's carpark." Children

#2697

However sad you feel... Just remember that, somewhere in the world, a fat kid has just dropped his ice-cream Children

#2698

"Christmas has come early to my house. My daughter has just invited her school pals round for a pajama party." Children

#2699

It takes 24 screws to build an Ikea cot but only 1 to fill it Children

#2700

"Was in the pharmacy today when a little girl pointed to a shelve of condoms and asked her dad "Daddy what are the sweets up there?" He replies "Sweets that I should have bought"" Children

#2701

"After setting the orphanage on fire, I stood back and watched the kids clawing and scrambling to get out the front door, pushing, shoving, and even trampling over one another. Children can be so cruel." Children

#2702

I hate these kids who play tag. They really think they're it. Children

#2703

"If I had a penny for every time I did a day's work.....I'd be an Indian child." Children

#2704

"The other day, my baby was crawling along the floor, stopped, and thought for a bit, staggered uneasily to his feet, then shakily walked across the room looking pleased with himself. My missus was elated, showering him with praise and affection. Why is it, when I do the same thing after coming back from the pub at 3 in the morning, I just get a slap?" Children

#2705

I was supposed to be Godfather for my mate's newborn, but putting a horse's head in his cot wasn't what my mate expected. Children

#2706

"BBC News: Light drinking 'no risk to baby' really.... Well when social services caught me feeding my 2 month old son Jack Daniels they said something entirely different." Children

#2707

"My son turned round earlier and said I'm the most uncool dad on the planet. I've spent the last two hours trying to think of a groovy response." Children

#2708

"Since Sickipedia is now been overrun by kids, can I be the first to say, Do any of you want to see my puppies?" Children

#2709

"What's worse than finding white stains inside the front of your son's underwear? Finding them on the back." Children

#2710

"Child line really needs to be renamed..... I rang them and ordered 3 but instead a van full of Police officers turned up???" Children

#2711

I'm as bored as a fat kid on a see-saw. Children

#2712

Is it just me, or does the story of The Pied Piper seem a lot more sinister now than when you read it as a kid? Children

#2713

"I was invited round by my long term girlfriend to meet her parents. All was going well, they seemed to like me, and then they asked the killer question "Are you planning on having kids." I replied "Don't be silly you can't have Children the way we do it" I am now single." Children

#2714

"My friend has had her kids taken away after social services said she isn't a fit mother. Personally, I reckon she's bang tidy." Children

#2715

Is it just me or is Hannah Montana getting on a bit now? Children

#2716

"It was tough growing up with strict parents as a deaf kid. At meal times I was always told off for speaking with my hands full." Children

#2717

I was a lovely baby. My parents used to fake my kidnapping just to see my pictures in the papers Children

#2718

"I would like to thank the designers of my house for putting the plug sockets at a height that a child of eight months could easily put his fingers into and die from an electric shock. Seriously... thanks. Got my first decent night's sleep in eight months, last night." Children

#2719

"I really am turning into my father. I have a disappointing son." Children

#2720

"What's the Difference between Madeleine Mcann, My girlfriend and a dead baby?

Nothing." Children

#2721

"My daughter screamed when I did her hair up in pigtails. She doesn't want to visit the abattoir again." Children

#2722

"I saw a Birthday badge that says "I am 2" on the front. On the back, however, the warning label says "This object is not suitable for Children 3 and under."" Children

#2723

"Baby sitting for your friends kids is just like having a hire car. You abuse them as much as you want, then hand them back." Children

#2724

"My belief in Santa Claus is starting to get severely tested. For three years my Children haven't received any presents for Christmas, and I know for a fact that they've not been particularly naughty." Children

#2725

"The other day I came home from work and my girlfriend was waiting for me in the kitchen. She told me that she felt she was ready to take the next step in our relationship. "Twins?" I asked with high hopes. She nodded in reply. "Great!" I said, "I know an Asian pair who will definitely be game." Apparently she meant she wanted kids..." Children

#2726

"My daughter told me this morning that when she was older she wanted to be a businesswoman and run a chocolate factory. Aren't kids adorable! Of course I was honest and explained to her there is no such word as 'businesswoman'." Children

#2727

Am I the only one alarmed that Santa breaks into my house undetected, Drinks my Jack Daniels, Eats all my mince pies and to top it all off, Watch's my Children 24/7? Children

#2728

""Daddy?" the kid asked his father. "Where did I come from?" "Ask your mother," he replied. "I did," the kid said. "But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket." "Hmmmm," chuckled his dad. "That's about the size of it..."" Children

#2729

"Even though I'm a cub scout leader, I'm still nervous around kids. But when we all dressed up as Red Indians the other day I did feel a little brave." Children

#2730

"I was telling my mate I grounded our baby for screaming so much and he said, "How can you ground a baby?" "With a mortar and pestle." I replied." Children

#2731

"My dad's recently been hitting the booze every night. I like to call him alcopop" Children

#2732

"I don't believe in smacking my kids. I find that pointing a gun at them accomplishes the same thing." Children

#2733

"After coming home from a school trip to the cinema, I had the following conversation with my wife: "I got a Woody from watching Toy Story 3 today." "Oh really dear? Give it to the kids." So, that your honour, is the reason why my wife is an accomplice." Children

#2734

Nothing says "I'm a paedophile" more than owning a chocolate factory. Children

#2735

"I was on the phone to my brother when I gave it to my 5yr old son. After a minute of silence I took the phone back, apologized for my son's shyness and said my goodbyes. Then I turned to my son and said, "Why didn't you speak to your uncle Terry, son?" He said, "Because he's always told me that he'd kill me if I ever said anything."" Children

#2736

"After a particularly bad parents evening, the teacher said the problem must stem from home. She even went so far as to ask if I loved my daughter. Apparently 'often' was the wrong answer." Children

#2737

"BBC News: "Are you a parent that struggles to help your Children with their homework, we have ways to make it easier for you." Yeah, don't have a kid at 16." Children

#2738

"I spotted a lonely boy in the park. Being the nice person that I am, I played basketball with him. My fun ended when he got stuck in the hoop." Children

#2739

"BBC News: 'Parenting style strongly affects drinking' That's odd - because I find drinking strongly affects my parenting style..." Children

#2740

I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this pub. Children

#2741

"My wife was saying 'I don't care what you say. There's no pain in the world as bad as childbirth' Anyway you will be glad to know she now knows better. Sorry make that knew better." Children

#2742

"I was explaining to my daughter that hamsters don't live forever and that when Harry's time comes, she could invite her friends round and have sandwiches, jelly and ice cream to celebrate his life. She asked, "Dad, can we kill him now?"" Children

#2743

"My daughter brought a boy home the other day, and I wasn't impressed I didn't hesitate to tell everyone present what I thought of him. She started crying, but that was probably just a side effect of the stressful birth." Children

#2744

"I saw a disabled kid struggling to get going on the swings because he had no legs, so I gave him a push. Then put my kid on the swing." Children

#2745

I'm guessing the next idiot child will be killed by an electric fence. Children

#2746

"I brought my kids some crayons yesterday... It was a present to make my kin scrawl." Children

#2747

"Just saw a little fat girl wearing a T-shirt that said "I'm Daddy's Favorite" She must be an only child if she's his favorite!" Children

#2748

"I treat my kids like AM radio. I never listen to them." Children

#2749

"Anyone else think it's weird that Roman Catholic Priests are known as "Fathers" when none of them have kids? Well at least not in the traditional sense..." Children

#2750

I just recently fell down the stairs carrying my 2 year old daughter, don't worry though, I managed to strategically position her in such a way that I didn't get hurt. Children

#2751

"My son was sent home from school today for putting super glue round the rim of his teacher's coffee cup. I said to him, "What did your teacher say when he found out?" "Mmmmmmm-mmmm-mmmm-mmmm..........!"" Children

#2752

For years, I tried to get my son to tuck in his shirts, and failed. So in the end, I sewed an edge of lace all around the bottom of his shirts. Children

#2753

"I started working as a teacher in a school for mentally challenged Children. On the first day I asked them if anyone can do animal noises. Apparently that's all they can do." Children

#2754

No matter how much flour I use, I can never raise a child. Children

#2755

"GUTTED! After being employed by the education board to help reduce the number of under age pregnancies, I have just been fired. Apparently advising the kids at the primary school that the best way is to "get there before the hair" is inappropriate!" Children

#2756

"What is the Difference between snot and spinach? You can't get your kids to eat spinach." Children

#2757

"My job is to deliver speeches on health and safety. I get really nervous before-hand, so my friend suggested picturing the audience in their underwear. It didn't work at all; I was still nervous plus I got a raging hard-on. Then again, it was at my local primary school." Children

#2758

"Promises are like Children. Fun making them, regret keeping them." Children

#2759

"My kid came home and cried, "Dad! The kids at school told me I have a face only a parent could love!" I replied, "That's nonsense, dear. I hate your face too."" Children

#2760

I bought some new Nike trainers today, I'm thinking of returning them, they look like they were made by a 7 year old! Children

#2761

"I was trying everything last night to get the baby to sleep. Finally after 5 bottles he went down. He's going to have a right hangover when he gets up." Children

#2762

Was anybody else disappointed that the boy wasn't in the airship? Children

#2763

"I don't believe in smacking my Children...it achieves nothing. Several punches do though." Children

#2764

It's all fun and games until the fat kid joins the pile on. Children

#2765

"I told my younger brother that if a person flaps his arms long enough and hard enough then that person can actually fly. I just love seeing the sad expression on his face once he realizes he cannot do it. You know, after having his arms amputated and all..." Children

#2766

"When your only child has Down's syndrome, Birthdays can be difficult. Last week our daughter was five and I and the wife just couldn't decide what to give her. Eventually we settled on 'away, for adoption.'" Children

#2767

"Having a father who was a Doctor and a mother who was a Nurse had its down side. When I was six I had to leave home because they needed the bed." Children

#2768

Today, my six year old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings Children

#2769

"I spent all day making a mug, but when I went to pick it up, half of it fell off! I didn't handle it very well." Children

#2770

If an orphan goes into KFC are they allowed to buy a Family bucket? Children

#2771

"Bought that new Lynx Bullet today. Turns out that it doesn't have the same effect on kids :(" Children

#2772

Just had one of those landmark father son moments yup had to show him how to delete browser history Children

#2773

After years of thinking it wasn't anything I should be concerned about, I have finally given in to my conscience and decided to sponsor a needy child in the Third World. She is eleven years old, white and lives in Bradford. Children

#2774

"The most fun time of my day is playing with my son at bath time. But now he's ten it's hard for both of us to fit in." Children

#2775

"When asked "What would be your dream job once leaving school?" in a recent poll, 99% of 11-16 year olds wrote: "My dream is too work in a sweat shop!" Say what you like about the kids of today, they may be illiterate but they aren't scared of hard work!" Children

#2776

"How can you tell when the school kids are on holiday? Because this site is now on a 6 week shut down!!!" Children

#2777

"I dropped my kids of at their babysitters yesterday before I went to work and she asked me, "When do you want them back." I replied, "When they're earning."" Children

#2778

"I was texting a mate when from nowhere I got hit by a car, just when I realized what was happening a fire engine flew past me and missed my head by inches. I gave my son a right slap, how he dare throw toys out of his pram." Children

#2779

"My child was born with a genetic skin disorder. He's black." Children

#2780

"Be nice to your kids. You never know, you might need a kidney one day." Children

#2781

"When I was a kid I really wanted to be a fireman. Turns out I just enjoy breaking down doors with an axe." Children

#2782

"Today has been a dark day for me, I have been told I cannot have any Children. Apparently, no amount of begging at the orphanage door is going to make them change their minds..." Children

#2783

"What noise does a baby make in a microwave? I don't know, I was too busy masturbating." Children

#2784

"I was walking down the road the other day when I saw my old school pal, Mike Kelly. I ran over and jumped on him knocking him to the ground and gave him a wedgy like I use to do back in the school days. Then I thought to myself, "shouldn't he have got older too"?" Children

#2785

"I've got two sons, 6 and 11. Funny names really but I like them." Children

#2786

"Turns out I have raised my 15 year old son really well, whenever I got to empty the bin in his room, he runs to the bin and says "don't worry! I'll do it" What a lovely son." Children

#2787

"I was in my car late last night with my 7 year old son, and he pointed at the Cats Eyes in the road and said, "Those diamonds look great daddy", and I said, "What makes you think that they are diamonds?" "Don't be silly daddy, everyone knows that this is a jewel carriageway." he replied." Children

#2788

"James Bulger Madeleine McCann Rhys Jones Liam Gill Harry Blackmore

Carlsberg don't do child tragedies.... Liverpool do...." Children

#2789

"Primark Children's range. Made by Children, for Children." Children

#2790

"Me and my mate had a bake-off today with our Children. He won, I left my son in the oven for way too long." Children

#2791

"When I was young, I could not understand why anyone would want to become a priest because you could not get married or have Children. Now I am married with Children, I can see the priesthood has its attractions." Children

#2792

I just gave my newborn baby a bath. Drying him in a microwave didn't go down well with the misus. Children

#2793

"What's the Difference between Scouse kids and Russian kids? Scouse kids get slaughtered before they go to school." Children

#2794

"If there are Children in need they should send them to my place. I've got a large donation I need to make." Children

#2795

"What goes: - Plink, Plink, Fizzzzzzz? Two babies dropped in a bath of acid!!" Children

#2796

"I love to go to the park and watch the kids jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks." Children

#2797

"I could tell my parents hated me. When they took me to the lake to go swimming, all the other kids were skating." Children

#2798

I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?" Children

#2799

"They say Children are our greatest treasure. Especially when buried." Children

#2800

If you can't beat 'em..... Why have kids? Children

#2801

Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause Children Children

#2802

Broke Back Mountain is both my dad's favorite film. Children

#2803

Three Jelly tots and four down syndrome kids, let the game commence. Children

#2804

"My wife told me today that I'm going to be a father for the very first time. The sad news is, I've already got two Children." Children

#2805

"My wife said, "I remember when I was a baby, my mum giving me a bath in the sink. Wouldn't it make a great picture, me bathing our lovely little lad?" "Great idea," I said, getting the camera. I took a cracking photo of his happy, smiling face.... .....seconds before the waste disposal kicked in." Children

#2806

"My six-year-old daughter is dependent on heroin. If I don't sell enough of it then she doesn't get fed." Children

#2807

"Breaking news: Gospel music group, The Priests are supposedly taking longer than expected in the studio finishing of an EP featuring covers of several MGMT songs. The problem seems to be that they keep tampering with 'Kids'" Children

#2808

I was looking at my kids sleeping last night thinking, "Must get that gas leak fixed." Children

#2809

It's pretty tense when you take your new girlfriend to the cinema and she gets ID's for Harry Potter. Children

#2810

"I found out earlier that dead babies are being grounded up into a powdered tablet in China and being sold abroad as 'stamina tablets', each one containing about 99.7% human. I had never been so disgusted and outraged in all of my life, I've already taken 5 and I feel no different." Children

#2811

"An old man on a porch asks a boy dragging a chain down the street, "Why are you pulling that chain?" The boy replies, "You ever try to push one?"" Children

#2812

"Those Children in Africa think they are poor? When I was a kid, I didn't have enough money to buy a memory card for my PlayStation 1." Children

#2813

"A friend of mine was having trouble naming her twin boys, she asked for my opinion so I advised her to go with what her gut was telling her. She went with Egg and Chips." Children

#2814

"Well I can safely say that 3 of my money is going to the poverty stricken kids in Africa tonight... I bought a top in Primark." Children

#2815

""SchoolChildren injured after bus crashes on way to Alton Towers" That's now my day out sorted. At least the queue for Nemesis will be shorter." Children

#2816

"This little piggy went to the market this little piggy stayed home this little piggy had roast beef this little piggy had none this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home and this little piggy was the result of being bred in Norfolk" Children

#2817

"For some cheap entertainment after Christmas feed your sister's Tiny Tears doll some Ribena. Then sit back and relax as the doll begins to resemble something out of the apocalypse." Children

#2818

"What's funnier than dropping a baby out of a window? Dropping it off of the roof." Children

#2819

"My five-year old son went down a helter-skelter the other day, laughing as he went. "What a twisted sense of humor" I thought." Children

#2820

"What's the Difference between a paedophile and a PE teacher? A hockey stick." Children

#2821

"My daughter confessed that she had recently been sneaking out of the house at night to meet up with her friends. "It's just so easy to sneak out," she said jokingly, "you need to at least make it a challenge." "Alright," I said, playing along, "but only cause it's you." Then I hack-sawed her legs off." Children

#2822

"My wife told me that she would hate to see any harm come to our Children. I said, "That's why I wait 'til you're at work."" Children

#2823

I've got two wonderful Children - and two out of five ain't bad. Children

#2824

"What is the Difference between The Proclaimers and Maddie McCann? We haven't seen The Proclaimers for a while but they're most likely still alive." Children

#2825

"Apparently, "Hi, I'm Randy and I'm an alcoholic" doesn't go down that well when you're introducing yourself to other parents... ...when they drop off their kid for a sleepover." Children

#2826

"My daughter told me that there is a monster who lives in her wardrobe at night. I told her "Don't be silly, that's just daddy watching you slee... Yes there is... A big one."" Children

#2827

"I was called in to see my son's Headmaster today. I said, "What's he been up to?" "He tried to burn down the main building." He replied. I said, "You're lucky, he succeeded at his two previous schools."" Children

#2828

For a laugh on your child's 11th birthday; forge a HogwArts acceptance letter. Children

#2829

"I see that they still can't serve sandwiches at Dunblane School. Evidently it still upsets them when their asked how many rounds they want!" Children

#2830

"Parents, struggling in the current climate and sick of your kids bugging you for things? Save 3 a week by making your Phones ringtone the same as your local Ice cream vans melody." Children

#2831

"Children should be seen but not heard. Which is why I've bought a ball-gag." Children

#2832

"What's pink and divisible by 4? **************************** Baby tied to four horses" Children

#2833

"My wife just gave birth, which is great because I always said I wanted a child for 4 years or so. My wife however, wants to keep it forever." Children

#2834

"I remember when I was 5 I had a special condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day. I was so thankful my older brother told me in time." Children

#2835

"So David Cameron leaves his 8 year old daughter in a pub in Cadsden, Bucks. If that had happened in Newcastle, the 8 year old would be thinking, "Cooool, a lock in!"" Children

#2836

"I was sitting in my room and heard a little boy outside sneeze. I said bless you, and five seconds later, I heard a very hesitant...."God?."" Children

#2837

"Trying to find my way around the new gym I accidentally walked into a room full of young Children changing. I apologized for the confusion and left. After a few minutes..." Children

#2838

I bought a book of baby names today. Only read a few pages, but so far my favorites are ISBN 938-0325-57613 for a girl, and Copyright 2009 for a boy. Children

#2839

"I'm a lonely middle-aged man without a proper job. In my hours of spare time, I like to drive to the local schools and chat to the kids. They always leave with a smile on their face; some even wipe their mouths. I love my ice-cream van." Children

#2840

"I'm not really a violent person but the first time I ever hit anyone was in the school playground. I was just hanging around, minding my own business when a boy ran into me. Without thinking I just hit him in the face. The boy started crying and everyone was looking at me. So I just picked up my kids and left." Children

#2841

My wife swerved to avoid a child last night................she fell out of bed. Children

#2842

"People always give me a funny look when I refer to my son as Thingamajig. But I had to give him a name I could remember." Children

#2843

Ah Children, you can't beat them ... anymore Children

#2844

My son decided he wanted to leave home this morning and when my wife got in from work she started blaming my drinking as usual. I said, "I know it was me that left the door open but he'll be back. He's got nursery tomorrow and he likes that" Children

#2845

"It's the heaviest snow for two decades today, and I couldn't be more grateful. Just another excuse for the kids' absence from school" Children

#2846

"What do Children and Dreams have in common? If you follow them both for too long, people become suspicious." Children

#2847

"My son drank a bottle of bleach earlier. On the plus side, at least now I will have a nice clean toilet." Children

#2848

"What is the Difference between a lorry load of babies and a lorry load of sand? You can't pitchfork a lorry load of sand" Children

#2849

I have puppies instead of Children. I'd rather ruin my carpet then my life. Children

#2850

"I love going to the local primary school and watching the kids running and screaming. That chainsaw was the best Christmas present ever." Children

#2851

"Women should not have Children after 35. Really . . . 35 Children are enough." Children

#2852

"Note to self: When asked to watch someone's kids for the night, don't reply "I do"." Children

#2853

"Child line are reporting a worrying increase in the amount of calls they're getting from abused Children. It wasn't like this when I was a lad. We didn't have mobile phones." Children

#2854

"Mummy' the window cleaner is at the door. Are you going to pay him or shall I go out to play?" Children

#2855

"I was teaching my son farmyard Animals the other day! What noise does a sheep make?

''Baaaaahh'' What noise does a cow make? "mooooo"" What noise does a pig make? ''I set fire, to the rain'' Good Lad" Children

#2856

"I really need to do something about my pimple problems. I fell asleep at the library the other day and woke up only to find a blind guy reading my face." Children

#2857

"I am the happiest father in the world! Even after my pregnant wife was attacked by a gang of muggers, the doctors said that our little girl was still born." Children

#2858

"My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. We now have a little baby ghost." Children

#2859

"Christmas was ruined for the kids last year with Nan dying suddenly like that. We relied on her for their bigger presents." Children

#2860

"What is it with women and their morals nowadays? "I'm not like that!" "You're too drunk!"

"Stop! I have a boyfriend!" "Dad, I'll tell Mum!"" Children

#2861

"I was out recruiting for the nursery school I work at today. A woman came up to me and said, "Hi, can you put my daughter down please?" "What's her name?" I replied. "Never mind that," She said. "Just put her down and don't touch her again." Children

#2862

"My 20 year old son complained that I never let him grow up. He's a beaker half empty kind of guy." Children

#2863

"I've got three Children, one of each. A boy, a girl and a hairdresser." Children

#2864

"I am just about to buy my girlfriend a valentines present online & to be honest I need a bit of help. Am I right in thinking that a size 8 would fit a big 6 year old?" Children

#2865

"People get all up in arms about priests having relations with young boys, but give them a break. Those guys almost never get to party." Children

#2866

"A little girl observes at the beach something between a little boy's legs and goes to her mother asking:- Mammy, why don't I have that between my legs?- Patience darling, patience!" Children

#2867

"I had an unbelievable stroke of luck last night. But why would anyone name their kid 'luck'?" Children

#2868

When our 10 year old grandson stays with us for the weekend we're not allowed to smoke in the house. The wife makes us stand outside in the cold. And she wonders why he doesn't like her. Children

#2869

"My son said "Dad, Can we play cowboys in the garden?" I said "Of course we can" "You haven't seen Brokeback Mountain have you son?" I added, as I got out my rusty sheriff's badge." Children

#2870

"I've learned the best way to sooth a crying baby is to not feed it, it'll stop crying... Eventually" Children

#2871

"I've just found out that my girlfriends son is not to dissimilar to a blue bottle fly. Once he flew out of the window the annoying noise stopped." Children

#2872

"Has anyone seen those new speeding adverts? What I don't understand is what that guy takes the dead kid everywhere with him?" Children

#2873

"The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part." Children

#2874

"I've always been truthful with my son. I don't tell him these lies that other parents use all the time. He has always known that Father Christmas isn't real, he knows that too much T.V. does not make your eyes square and he knows he is the reason why me and his mother fell out of love and got a divorce." Children

#2875

"My girlfriend has just text me: Fancie a bitt of annal tonite? Don't get me wrong it's a lovely text, but I don't agree with an 8 year old having a mobile." Children

#2876

"Crock's The best way of showing your kids you hate them" Children

#2877

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want? Children

#2878

I always tell my kids, a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet. Largely in the hope that other parents tell their kids the same thing. Children

#2879

"My young daughter was burning up today so I rang NHS Direct, "how hot is she?" they inquired. "about 8/10..." didn't seem to go down that well." Children

#2880

A child is for life not just for a council house and benefits Children

#2881

"I saw an interview with a Chinese woman on Sky News the other day. She was talking about how once she owned a dog as a pet, she couldn't eat dog anymore. I imagine I'll be the same when I have Children." Children

#2882

Screw these cArtoons, I know a much more effective way to stop child abuse, hand out baseball bats to Children. Children

#2883

A child is forever, not just a council house. Children

#2884

"My mate asked me to look after his three kids. I don't mind." Children

#2885

"I was holding my son above my head letting him pretend to be superman this morning. When he got bored he asked me to put him down. Luckily I had a needle and some pentobarbital solution handy." Children

#2886

"My father used to say "I love kids, but I couldn't eat a full one". I knew I'd beat my father at something one day" Children

#2887

My son has been watching Home Alone and getting loads of funny ideas... like spending Christmas together as a Family. Children

#2888

The worst part about being a paedophile is trying to fit in. Children

#2889

"What's long, hard and hurts babies? My shovel." Children

#2890

"When I awoke in the middle of the night to the scratching on my wardrobe door, it brought back my old fear of monsters lurking in the dark. Then I realized it was just the kids coming round. Children

#2891

"Which brand of lager do orphans prefer? Fosters." Children

#2892

"So... My two year old daughter takes my nose and it's all fun and stuff. But I take her virginity and I get a prison sentence?" Children

#2893

"After we reached a decision on the abortion, every night I've been given chills up and down my spine by the haunting screams of a crying baby. I lay there wishing we'd had it. But we made the choice and we'll just have to cope with an unwanted child." Children

#2894

"I read my 4 year old son his first eBook today. It was a pop-up. He now knows he can meet hot, young, single girls in his area. And he lived happily ever after." Children

#2895

"My girlfriend and I decided to admit we are trying for a baby. Our father was disgusted." Children

#2896

"Doctor- I'm afraid were going to have to pull the plug on your son. Mother- I thought you said he was perfectly healthy? Doctor- Oh I did, but his bath is overflowing." Children

#2897

"My dad didn't care about me as a child. Then he turned 18 and became slightly more responsible." Children

#2898

"Because of the heat this summer, I've got a lot of bites on my legs... Maybe I should stop pushing the kids out of the line for the ice cream van." Children

#2899

"I love going to the local water park. I can happily watch young girls getting wet without forcing them into my van." Children

#2900

"Youth Olympics. Giving paedophiles a social meeting place since 2010." Children

#2901

Thankfully the only time my wife will ever beat me is when we're fighting for the custody of our Children. Children

#2902

Here at the sweatshop every day is bring your Children to work day! Children

#2903

"My baby boy has been on solids for three and a half weeks this must be the slowest game of pool I've ever played." Children

#2904

When push comes to shove, you're probably delivering the baby wrong. Children

#2905

Things haven't changed that much in the past twenty years. We used to play cowboys and Indians, and today I saw my son and his mate playing builders and call-center operators. Children

#2906

Today, a little kid that looked to be about five came up to me. He asked me, "Wanna see me run to China and back?" I said yes, thinking he was going to stand in the same spot and say, "Wanna see me do it again?". Instead, he ran down the street and disappeared from sight. I haven't seen him since. Children

#2907

"Kids, don't waste time looking before you cross the road - that ice cream van won't wait forever." Children

#2908

"I said to my son, "Either you tell your mother what you've done, or I will. Choice is yours, me or you?" He shouted, "MUM, DAD DID IT."" Children

#2909

"There are so many fat kids about today and people are complaining! The way I see it there are 3 advantages to it 1: They are more tempted by sweets to come to your car 2: They can't run away to fast from you and 3: more cushion for the pushing" Children

#2910

"Just found out that the average cost of bringing up a child is 186,000.

Now where did i put that spade. . ." Children

#2911

"My son was having a bit of a tantrum this morning and I'm ashamed to say I over-reacted a bit. I put him up for adoption." Children

#2912

"Went down to the running track this morning, and ended up pulling my groin. I couldn't help it. Seeing all those little athletics kids in spandex pushed me over the edge . . . ." Children

#2913

Kids these days... Getting older by the minute Children

#2914

Why is the speed limit so low around primary schools? So you can pick out the one you want...? Children

#2915

"My kids got to see Puss in Boots tonight. I have terribly infected feet you see." Children

#2916

"My mate asked me earlier if I had any regrets in life. "Probably just about Children to be honest" I said. "But don't you have 5 kids?" he asked. "Precisely" I sighed." Children

#2917

'Scouting For Girls', surely they mean Girl Guides Children

#2918

"After thirty years of wondering why he didn't look like his sister and Brother Mark asked his mother if he had been adopted.' Yes, ' she replied tearfully, ' but it didn't work out so they sent you back. '" Children

#2919

My 4 year old lost her first tooth today. That'll be the last time she answers ME back! Children

#2920

"I had a beautiful baby girl this morning. Her mother will kill me if I can't find it before she gets home" Children

#2921

"More people should be made aware of child abuse! They don't know what they're missing!" Children

#2922

"I said to my son, "You skipped school today to play football." He said, "No I never, and I've got the fish to prove it."" Children

#2923

"I've decided to write a Mr. Men book in honour of my unwanted daughter. Little Miss Take" Children

#2924

"It's fun to watch 3 month old babies taste new things for the 1st time, like ice cream..., or 9-volt batteries." Children

#2925

"The other day, my son was talking back to my wife. She asked him to do something and he said, "No! I don't want to." So I pulled him aside and said, "Son, you have got to teach me how to do that."" Children

#2926

"Can't decide whether to have Children or get a dog. It's a choice between wrecked furniture, and my future." Children

#2927

"A watched pot never boils. However an unwatched child never grows up." Children

#2928

"The kids round my estate are so tough these days. I nearly broke my tooth on one today, fair to say I just need to add more gravy." Children

#2929

""He just ran into my car, it wasn't my fault!" "Sir, you parked your car in a school playground."" Children

#2930

"So you try and help out by sorting the kids a uniform during the summer holidays! But end up with a caution for asking staff at Ann Summers if they had a nurse, and French maid uniform for my 8, and 10 year old daughters." Children

#2931

"I was driving my nerdy kid to school the other day, when he turned to me and said "Dad, how do I become cool, like you?" I said "Son, there's 2 simple rules: 1 Always act cool, and 2 never be seen with losers. Now, get out." He said "But Dad, schools a half mile away!" "Rule 2 son, rule 2."" Children

#2932

"Woman phones an ambulance woman "you gotta help me, my waters just broke!" emergency services "calm down. tell me, where you are ringing from?" woman "the waist down!"" Children

#2933

"I walked into a room in the hospital to find a man and woman sobbing. I said, "I'd like to offer my condolences." They said, "No you don't understand, we've just had a baby." I said, "I know, I can see it, its minging"" Children

#2934

Ironically, actually having a child is the best form of contraception. Children

#2935

"My plan for the snow: 1. Wait for my 8 year old neighbor to build a snowman 2. Wait for that to melt 3. Put a suicide note where it melted" Children

#2936

"My 13.00 Shoe Zone shoes for work seem to be failing on me dramatically already. I'll be lucky to get through the working day on them. The 6 year old who made them obviously hasn't had sufficient training or was slacking on that particular day. I will be following this up with customer services so that others like myself will not have to suffer in the future." Children

#2937

"I don't know why so many people hate it but I really love Twilight. That's when I do all my raping." Children

#2938

"My 12 year old daughter says she is old enough to stand on her own two feet. So maybe for Christmas - I'll sew them back on" Children

#2939

"Kids really haven't got a clue these days. Thanks to my new balaclava." Children

#2940

So remember kids, when the looting begins, always consider the weight/value ratio. Children

#2941

"Well I guess it's almost that time again, Easter. When I can call my son an egghead and he smiles and considers it a great holiday joke, rather than presuming I'm having another go at him because of his chemotherapy." Children

#2942

"My wife told me she wanted something 20 inches long, crusty, and full of sperm... So i handed her our daughter" Children

#2943

"I was looking through my girlfriend's old school reports. Last year she started drawing inside the lines." Children

#2944

A man is driving his five year old to a friend's house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn't make it right, and I don't ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag." Children

#2945

"I sat as my wife was dying over her bed. "Dave," she croaked. "Promise me...Promise you'll make sure our Children are well looked after." "Don't worry babe," I replied. "I've already got a lovely couple lined up; they'll be great foster parents."" Children

#2946

"A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy." "What did you do?" the mother asked. "I hit him with my purse!"" Children

#2947

"The kids love coming to my house to play with the toys... A Rampant Rabbit feels loads better than an Action Man." Children

#2948

"According to the new Cow and Gate advert, 'some babies don't get enough iron'. In all fairness, it is a bit dark down in the mines." Children

#2949

"'Woman hides 3 baby bodies in wardrobe for 20years' Police are looking to question Mr. Tumnus, Aslan and the White Witch" Children

#2950

I saw a sign outside a school the other day that read: ''Parking here could cost a child's life''. Surely a few points on your license, or a fine would be a lot easier, right? Children

#2951

In the eyes of the lord I'm sure these trigonometry jokes are a sin. Children

#2952

"People often talk about the child within them, and I can totally relate to that, I always eat babies" Children

#2953

"My wife and I agreed that we had to set aside our mistakes for the sake of our marriage. We're putting them up for adoption tomorrow." Children

#2954

It's kind of ironic that they caution pregnant women not to drink alcohol in case it harms the baby. If it wasn't for alcohol most women wouldn't be that way. Children

#2955

I am getting pretty nervous lately. My little 2 year old nephew is starting to learn how to talk. Children

#2956

"My little cousin still goes to the pre-school when the teacher asked her "You have 5 apples, you give half to John, and how many have you got left?" She confidently replied "Four and a half"" Children

#2957

The chicken crossed the road, knowing this day would be remembered for many years to come Children

#2958

"Well, if I had to describe one fault of mine, it is that I have a habit of taking my work home with me. I'm starting to think that it is probably the reason why I lost my last job at the crèche." Children

#2959

Our school was hard. The playground chase-games were called Electronic Tag. Children

#2960

"Some kids were having a water fight on the street earlier, so I rushed out with the element of surprised and squirted all of their faces. Then I got my Water-Gun out." Children

#2961

"Little Johnny: "Where's my Fork and Knife?". Mum : "Beside your Fork and Plate, and stop swearing"" Children

#2962

"when someone drops their phone, i react as if they dropped a newborn baby. I laugh and I stamp on it" Children

#2963

"It was my 3 year old son's birthday last week, and he really wanted a Buzz Lightyear toy. I searched high and low for it, from shop to shop. Finally, after hours of looking, I found it, but it was fifty quid. I thought that was a bit expensive, but I bought it anyway. He opened his present on his birthday, and was so excited that he dropped Buzz on the floor and his head fell off. I couldn't believe it! At least the toy was still in one piece." Children

#2964

You could tell I was going to fail as a parent from the moment I fired up the chain saw to cut my son's umbilical cord... Children

#2965

"My young son loves nothing more than sitting for hours cutting things up. I think he's going to be a bus driver when he grows up." Children

#2966

I love it when it starts getting dark when the kids are finishing school. Children

#2967

If your child is afraid of the dark you can ease their fears by telling them monsters see better with the lights on. Children

#2968

"After my wife said I was tightfisted, I've finally agreed to let my kids get their faces painted. It gives me the chance to get rid of those old tins of gloss in the shed." Children

#2969

My kids are like marmite. For sale. Children

#2970

......."And I would've got away with it too, if it wasn't for meddling with kids!" Children

#2971

""Daddy. I'm too big for these trousers. Look how far my legs stick out" "They're called shorts, son"" Children

#2972

"I walked in on my son naked the other day. He said, "Dad, put some clothes on!"." Children

#2973

"I always hear that Children are dressing inappropriately these days but my neighbor's kid is still dressing perfectly, with the curtains open." Children

#2974

"During my first day of working at a nursery school, a member of staff asked me what I did to entertain the kids; my reply was "finger puppets". You should have seen their faces after I repeatedly shoved my pinky in and out of Edd the Duck." Children

#2975

"Schools have changed since my day. From blackboard to whiteboard. From quill to biro. From cane to dumbell." Children

#2976

My jokes are like golden showers. Probably inappropriate for Children, but fun to share with them, all the same. Children

#2977

"My 15 year old son is a mute, he can't read or write and has very little hearing capabilities. . . So I bought him a mobile phone to cheer him up." Children

#2978

My neighbor's daughter is an annoying little squirt, my bed sheets are soaked. Children

#2979

"Why is Santa so jolly? Because you're adopted." Children

#2980

What do down- syndrome babies and jelly babies have in common?? They all look the same and come in different colors. Children

#2981

You know your ginger when even your imaginary friend's don't want to play with you. Children

#2982

"I've just got back from a boy scouts' and girl guides' jamboree. The excitement was intense. Children

#2983

I'm pretty ashamed about sleeping with the examiner to get a good mark...but I really wanted top marks in my KS1 SATS. Children

#2984

"I had to give my son a few strokes with my belt today for using the 'C' word in public. I don't care if 'Chelsea' is the name of a bun as well." Children

#2985

"My wife just shouted at me for smoking inside. As if having to deliver my unborn child in the back of a taxi wasn't stressful enough." Children

#2986

"I gave my son a quid for eating a hot chili. This is good parenting because he needs to learn to stop doing stupid things for just 1." Children

#2987

"A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside. Sadly this is a fact and not a legal loophole." Children

#2988

"They say the laughter of Children is priceless. To me it's their screaming." Children

#2989

"Western consumerism is out of control. The kids don't even accept Haribo anymore. They demand Ferrero Rocher." Children

#2990

"- Who do you want to be when you grow up? - Pizza delivery man... plumber... gardener... - DARLING, HE JUST FOUND THE DVD!" Children

#2991

"The proud father handed the baby to the priest for the christening. "And what name have you given this little boy?" asked the priest. "It's a girl," said the father out of the side of his mouth. "You've got hold of my thumb!"." Children

#2992

"Haiti Cemetery... Remind you of a school game? BUNDLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Children

#2993

"Paedophiles are unfairly persecuted. How else are kids meant to get off?" Children

#2994

"I and the Wife have called our new baby boy 'Large'. We pulled his name out of a Hat." Children

#2995

"I just bought myself a Mr. Whippy van. Now I can do mobile S&M." Children

#2996

You know its cold outside when the dead babies in your shed turn into microwave meals. Children

#2997

My wife asked me to feed our 8 month old daughter. Hope she likes chips and beer. Children

#2998

"I added my daughter on Facebook yesterday, now people will just laugh when she says "my daddy is poking me"" Children

#2999

"I got into a philosophical discussion today. I argued, "We have no proof whatsoever of a God or a heaven. I strongly believe that when you die, you are buried in the ground and eaten by the worms. Any concept of a soul is scientifically impossible, and all thoughts and emotions are purely chemical illusions of the human brain. Life, really is just a series of meaningless events..." It was at this point that my seven-year-old daughter began to cry." Children

#3000

"Dear Children When you look under your bed, what exactly is it you are planning to do when you find me. Sincerely the Bogeyman" Children

#3001

"I resent being forced into complimenting my friend's Children for doing things that are simply part of being human and take no special skill. Can you believe how big Bobby is now? Oh wow, Bobby is so good at growing. You got a real grower there." Children

#3002

"It was an introductory evening for parents and Children at my son's new school yesterday. What with all the people milling about who didn't know their way round, the head thoughtfully got some of the prefects to marshal us. It was brilliant. I got to follow 15-year-old girls all evening and no-one shouted at me once." Children

#3003

"Went into an abortion clinic the other day. They boasted "Service with a smile!" God I love Henry Hoovers!" Children

#3004

The other day, my neighbor's son lost all his fingers in a tragic accident, I felt so sorry for him I went out and bought him an IPod touch. Children

#3005

"What's that Timmy? All of your friends have changed their Facebook pictures to cArtoons? Well, that's okay then, no beatings tonight." Children

#3006

"After being told I can't discipline my kids, Social Services have now gone one step further, and decided to take full custody of them. Apparently, after already having had a previous warning, gluing them together in my garden shed, is just a step too far this time. I'm just so confused. What happened to if you can't beat them, join them?" Children

#3007

"Little Susie is on her grandparents' farm for the first time. One evening, she sees her grandma plucking a chicken. "Grandma," she asks, "do you undress the chickens every night?"" Children

#3008

"I took the kids to one of those play centers yesterday, but never again as it ended in tears. I got stuck in the twisty tunnel slide and had a panic attack." Children

#3009

Tip - Ruin your friend's kid's summer by telling them mosquitos carry aids. Children

#3010

"What's the Difference between a scouser father and his son about 12 years" Children

#3011

"The hardest thing about being the manager of an under seven's football team is having to rotate the squad. After the game, they all want to be pushed on the roundabout for hours." Children

#3012

"I love Halloween, kids come to your house and ASK for sweets! Saves money on petrol for my van." Children

#3013

"So, childhood obesity is on the rise. It not all doom and gloom, paedophilia levels must have decreased." Children

#3014

Women shouldn't have Children after forty. Because, really, forty Children should be enough Children

#3015

My girlfriend won't let me have kids, she just keeps saying stuff like "put those down, they're not yours" Children

#3016

"There is no denying that society is getting increasingly violent, but too many parents are wrapping their Children in cotton wool. I still prefer wrapping them in Clingfilm because you can cut little access holes with a penknife." Children

#3017

"I came in from work earlier to see my son crying on the stairs in hysterics. "What's wrong mate?" I asked him. "Daddy, I'm having trouble with the girls at school!" he cried. I thought it was time...I gave him the inevitable talk about 'the birds and the bees' and he sat there and listened. When I was done he paused..."That's fine daddy but it's not that. They won't let me play with their Barbie's at lunch time and said my legs are too hairy to wear a skirt." He lives with his uncle now." Children

#3018

"My son said, "Look Daddy, I didn't wet the bed! That's the 5th time in a row!" I said, "Well done son, I'm proud of you. If you can manage just 9 more dry nights then I'll take your mattress out of the shed and put it back in your bedroom"" Children

#3019

"What do Madeline McCann and the wine in my wine cellar have in common? They're both in my wine cellar" Children

#3020

"My daughter's nappy rash appears to have formed the pattern of a 9x9 grid. Think I need to get her some Sudokucrem." Children

#3021

I like to drive around in my car blaring songs from an ice cream van just to see those happy little faces fade when they realize there is no ice cream Children

#3022

"I read today that a young school girl made 100 an hour busking on the streets of London. That's almost as much as a parking meter would make!" Children

#3023

"My wife said, "I don't like your offensive jokes. They're not funny, they're disgusting and meaningless." I said, "So are the kids. But you put up with them."" Children

#3024

"I like my girls like I like my font size. 12" Children

#3025

"Don't you love a child's laughter? Much better than them screaming 'Stranger'." Children

#3026

On reflection Hamster Merry-Go-Round and other microwave games. Probably wasn't the best book to give to a nine year old. Children

#3027

Top Tip for School Bullies: Pick on a Kid who lives at an Orphanage. What's the worst he can say? ''I'm gonna get my Nun on you!'' Children

#3028

"I'm considering becoming a professional clown. I have all the right skills. I suffer from depression and I like scaring Children." Children

#3029

"I've always thought that parenting was in many ways similar to raising a dog. Which is why I've just left my toddler tied up outside Tesco while i do some shopping" Children

#3030

"Son: "Mum, when I was born what did you wish I'd be?" Mother: "Your father's"..." Children

#3031

"My wife thinks I'm too hard on the kids when it comes to punishment. If she has a problem with it, she should take it up with the discipline shark." Children

#3032

"I got a letter from my sons school saying he was illiterate I went mental! We got married 3 weeks before he was born" Children

#3033

I am so proud my son has been named head boy, which is a bit strange because he is in year 5 Children

#3034

My little sister got homework to draw things that don't taste very nice. I thought I was busted for a second but it turns out, she was just drawing a banana. Children

#3035

How many chickens crossed the road? Children

#3036

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours... If it doesn't, it was never meant to be. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you've set it free..... You either married it or gave birth to it." Children

#3037

"I saved a fortune on a magician for my daughter's birthday party. I told her he was wearing an invisibility cloak." Children

#3038

"I see Miss Beckham is already on a diet trying to lose that baby weight. "She will never fit into her new born designer clothes at a chunky 7lb 10" said Posh." Children

#3039

"My wife and I recently decided to make a will. Our daughter Emma needs a brother to play with and we thought will was a nice name." Children

#3040

"I was in Ads today and saw a mother struggle to smack her out of control child. So I politely asked her if she wants me to hold her basket, so she could use both hands." Children

#3041

"A new study suggests that people with Children are happier than people without Children. Clearly, the study wasn't conducted at an airport." Children

#3042 "When I was a kid, if I was ever naughty my mother would yell, "Just you wait until your father gets back!" She knew it would upset me, because I knew and she knew he was never coming back." Children

#3043

"Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby? Because you get a womb with a view." Children

#3044

"- Mam you're a liar! - What do you mean? - You said my little brother's an angel. - Yes. Well he is. - I just pushed him out the window, and he didn't fly..." Children

#3045

"I don't know why parents say to their Children, "Only speak when you're spoken to." It's not exactly teaching them good manners, telling them to talk over the top of someone." Children

#3046

"I asked my mum a question today, 'Mum...' I said, ' Am I half Spanish?' 'Why do you ask?' 'Because when I asked Nan who my dad was, she said he was a "Juan Nightstand!" '" Children

#3047

"The kids are off school this week, Not sure what I'm gonna do with myself at half 3." Children

#3048

"My daughter told me about how she was learning about an Artist who hated one of his paintings so much, he covered it in paint so he could start again from scratch. But in doing this, the effect of all the different colors was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen, so he kept it how it was. I said to her "That's how I feel about you darling." "I'm the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?" she replied. "Yes" I said. "But more importantly... You were an accident."" Children

#3049

"I just found out that my newborn son has special needs. Like feeding, changing, clothing, washing...." Children

#3050

"So Mrs. Beckham have given birth to a daughter weighing in at 7lbs 10oz I never realized a woman could give birth to a baby heavier than herself!!!" Children

#3051

Coco Pops and Milk are a bowl full of fun.... Until you get diabetes. Children

#3052

"It's impossible to cook Children food. I can never fit them in the oven." Children

#3053

"My son has just turned two and so I have just started toilet training. As soon as I can do it all by myself I'll show him." Children

#3054

"Son: Mom, when me and daddy were on the bus this morning he made me give up my seat for some lady Mum: Well then you have done the right thing Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap..." Children

#3055

"The wife and I had an argument over kids again. I've wanted to have one for 5 years. She wants to keep one forever." Children

#3056

We're really hoping the baby will start walking today. If not, we'll have to drive all the way back to Tesco's to get it. Children

#3057

"I was at the pub with my mates the other day. After a few too many drinks I accidentally blurted out 'I beat my kids!' 'At FIFA?' one of my mates asked. Errrm, yes, ok. That's exactly what I meant" Children

#3058

"What's the Difference between a baby and a watermelon? Ones fun to squash with a hammer and the other is a fruit." Children

#3059

Really? I'm the only one who thought baby Jack on Coronation Street looked like a recruit for the KKK tonight? Children

#3060

After a day of playing in the snow with the kids, it was nice to get back in the house and snuggle up in bed with them and enjoy the comfort of the warm, cozy bed after our long day in the cold. Can't wait till I have my own. Children

#3061

I was playing with my son earlier............when I thought 'I wonder if this is going to cause him any emotional insecurities later on in life' Children

#3062

Continues to be amazed at how quickly the human population is growing. As I see the count rise above 7 billion people, I can't help but feel the challenge to find Wally is becoming all the more difficult. Children

#3063

"I hate it when I see parents forcing their kids to have the same hobbies and interests as them from an early age. I'm going to let my son Obi Wan make his mind up once he's old enough to decide for himself." Children

#3064

"What is red and dangerous to small Children? Me in my red coat." Children

#3065

"even though I have grown up, I'm still into the same type of girls I was back when I was in primary school, blonde, blue eyes, slim, five..." Children

#3066

My pregnant wife asked me how I'd feel about a little girl, turning my hand upside down and twiddling my fingers saying "like that" wasn't the answer she was looking for Children

#3067

"Toyota Auris Hybrid, it delivers smooth performance as well as ultra-quiet electric driving. So the Children can't hear you coming" Children

#3068

I was struggling to think up a sob story to help my son get further on X Factor. Then I realized entering him was enough Children

#3069

With the growing rates of fossil fuels in our Economy, it will be the naughty kids who have the last laugh in a few years' time. Children

#3070

Just become a father for the first time, if my baby is crying does it mean I am doing something wrong or am I just rubbish in bed? Children

#3071

"What's the Difference between Brussels sprouts and snot? You'll never surprise your kids eating their Brussels sprouts." Children

#3072

"Children are like rules, made to be broken." Children

#3073

"My 3 year old daughter is like a slinky, of no real use but fun to watch falling downstairs." Children

#3074

"I came home from work today and my mother-in-law was there playing cards with my young son. I said to him, "You having a good time son?" He replied, "Yeah Dad, but you were wrong. I've counted them all and Gran is playing with a full deck of cards."" Children

#3075

"I've just bought a car with child locks. Now I have to wait for my son to open the door every time I want to go somewhere." Children

#3076

"I've just seen an app on the app store called cooking with Children! Sounds awesome but where do I get the kids from?" Children

#3077

"Last night I told to my mate that like to I kidnap Children and hold them hostage. He was horrified, "How do you sleep at night?" I replied, "On a pile of ransom money, thanks."" Children

#3078

Kids may be expensive but i suppose you never know when you gonna need a kidney. Children

#3079

"Due to a lack of funding, the ISPCC can only respond to half the problems faced by Children... So basically, i have a 50-50 chance of getting away with it?" Children

#3080

"I and my wife are having trouble choosing a name for our newborn son. She wants to name him after his proud father, but I'd much rather name him after me." Children

#3081

"Two babies are in a pram together. "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" the boy asked. "I don't know" the other baby replied. "Let me check" the boy giggled. So the boy went under the covers and came back up after several minutes. "You're a girl!" the baby proclaimed "You're so clever, how did you figure it out?" "It's quite easy", the boy explained, "You have pink socks!"" Children

#3082

Just got back from the hospital after having identical twins. How am I supposed to pick a favorite now? Children

#3083

Child labour is only temporary, but a diamond is forever. DeBeers. Children

#3084

"As a film fanatic, I see movies in much the same way as I see my Children. In the cinema, every other weekend." Children

#3085

"I saw a headline today that said "Teenage Binge Drinkers are drinking themselves infertile." GOOD. We didn't want them in the gene pool anyway." Children

#3086

"New dad Elton John 'expects prejudice' ...Celebrity baby names are just getting ridiculous now" Children

#3087

"Children of the 80's, do you miss the sound of a playing card slapping your bike spokes? Well now you can recreate that sound by filling the roundabout at your local park with kids , pushing them so fast they tip their head back, then stop running and put your hand out slapping each kid in the face !" Children

#3088

So... anyone else notice how Prince Charming said Cinderella was the love of his life yet he had to check every woman in the kingdoms shoe size to clarify who she was..... Children

#3089

"I told my colleague at work earlier that I was concerned about my son after I caught him playing with Barbie's. "Is it really such a big problem? I'm sure he'll grow out of it" he said. "I doubt it" I replied, "He's 36."" Children

#3090

"What do you call a girl with pubic hair? Too old." Children

#3091

"Just saw a headline: Beat the child benefit cuts and i wondered to myself, what has the benefit cuts got to do with anything?" Children

#3092

I'm expecting a baby, if it doesn't get here within half an hour I eat for free. Children

#3093

Wife told me I was too hard when controlling the kids. How did she notice? Children

#3094

"TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher." Children

#3095

"There were problems when my baby son was delivered, we were out so they took him round the neighbors, we had to wait all day to collect him." Children

#3096

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase, you know, something like 'Ladies and Gentlemen'. That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen"... Then when he gets out of hand I get to go "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!" Children

#3097

"I was shocked when I received the phone call...During 'Show and Tell' at school my daughter had revealed bruises all up her arms. Thought I'd made it very clear daddy would hurt mummy if she ever told anyone." Children

#3098

When I was younger my mom always used to tell me that rain drops were the tears of god, you could imagine the look on her face when I asked her what snow was. Children

#3099

"My kids love the adventure playground. It keeps them amused for hours. One day I might even let them have a go, instead of making them watch from their bedroom window." Children

#3100

My son was born with two extra limbs on his body and needed an operation to separate them. It cost an arm and a leg. Children

#3101

"My wife was holding our baby son in his blanket when he suddenly got sick all over it.'Ugh disgusting,' I said 'we'll have to get a new one now.' 'Where will we get it?' she replied 'Hmmm...Down in the orphanage I suppose?'" Children

#3102

"If only I had been born a Lego brick. I could have made something of my life." Children

#3103

My wife asked me watch our 6 month old baby in the bath.... I did. .... He drowned Children

#3104

MOTHERS. Don't use poisonous shampoos on your Children's hair to get rid of headline. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an angle poise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head. Children

#3105

I have been leaving notes on people doorsteps late at night, "i hope your kids like dry cereal because I've just knocked your milk" Children

#3106

"My friend once said to me "You can't choose your parents." In response I just said "Well, they chose you, seeing as you're adopted." Oh how we laughed." Children

#3107

"My parents hated me when I was a child. So much so, they got other kids to be in our home movies." Children

#3108

"Remember the story of Hansel and Gretel? Well that was my version of events anyway" Children

#3109

"I met a mother and her son in the park today, we got chatting and I said "do you like impressions?" "Of course who doesn't?" she replied, so I kicked her in the face and ran away with her son! I left a lasting impression I think..." Children

#3110

"I've always known that my parents always wanted the best for me. The carrier bag i was abandoned in as a baby was from Waitrose." Children

#3111

"I just saw a 12 year old boy walk into a pub with a rolled up newspaper. As he didn't have his parent with him, I presume that was his Guardian." Children

#3112

"I had my daughter crying her eyes out today. She caught me hitting her Go-Go hamster with a hammer. But the tears soon turned to laughter...When she realized it was a real hamster and not her favorite toy." Children

#3113

"My kids are like my jokes. Every time I have a new one, it gets removed." Children

#3114

Dodgems: The only time I can legally ram young Children. Children

#3115

"Some teenagers standing outside the office asked me to buy them some booze this evening. They weren't impressed when I took their twenty quid and bought them a bag of wine gums." Children

#3116

"I made a glue cake for the Children's party today just so I could say the immortal words." "OK kids, get stuck in"" Children

#3117

"Two of the worlds most searched for people were found in their own homes. Has anyone checked the McCann household" Children

#3118

"Whenever I see those weekend dads, pushing some screaming brat about in McDonalds, face like thunder, I really wonder how many times they think to themselves... Was all this really worth 5 or 6 seconds of pleasure?" Children

#3119

"Paddy's wife just gave birth to twins "Congratulations, do twins run in the Family?" Paddy replies "Course they funckin' can't they can't even walk yet"" Children

#3120

"Separating Children by academic ability is cruel.... It always ends in tiers." Children

#3121

"My Children had an accident and hurt themselves, whilst playing on my bed this morning. Which is weird because I had an accident in a bed once but it caused kids." Children

#3122

"Through this sorry sordid affair, let us not forget that John Terry has Children and it's them that I feel sorry for. Imagine growing up knowing you've inherit his looks." Children

#3123
"BBC NEWS "All baby deaths must be probed" Can like anyone probe the dead babies? If so, I call dibs!" Children

#3124

Auditions for the lead role in peter pan have started today, I think lad brooks odds of 1,000,000/1 for Gary Glitter might be worth a go Children

#3125

Children in America are so bad at Geography that they only know where a Country is in the World when they get attacked by them. Children

#3126

"The Beckham's new daughter Harper Seven is said to look very similar to her mother. And at 7 lbs. 100 z, I wouldn't argue with that..." Children

#3127

"Girls are like buses. I never catch them after the chase." Children

#3128

"It is believed that in last decade, more than 2 million Children have died as a direct result of armed conflict. Which proves that war isn't entirely pointless." Children

#3129

"What a day. I took our newborn son into one of those baby-changing rooms at the shopping Centre. I came out with Harvey Price. I took him back in and came out with a little Chinese girl. She'll have to do. I think the wife wanted a daughter anyway." Children

#3130

I think I am going to name my newborn son Dub step so it will be okay to drop him. Children

#3131

"In the news: Rupert Grint has revealed that he has become "obsessed" with his ice-cream van. "I drive it every day. I get kids queuing up outside whenever I stop." THAT'S how gingers attempt to lure friends, or should we be more worried its kids he's luring?" Children

#3132

"People question my parenting skills, but I think my son is like a ray of sunshine. I try and stay out of direct contact with him." Children

#3133

"I ran over a child the other day in my car, he made a 'badum' sound when I hit him. So later I ran over a child carrying a cymbal." Children

#3134

I must say - that little bird Abbie Banning in East Enders is really starting to look rather....................too old for me. Children

#3135

"Teacher: What does a cat say? Little Jonny: It says your 40, single, and desperate for any kind of contact miss" Children

#3136

I had an argument with my son over changing roles in our game of cops and robbers. And suddenly I'm the bad guy? Children

#3137

"My Ex-Wife claims that when I have the kids for their monthly visit I just spoil them and throw money at them. You want the see the bruise a 50p coin can make between one's eyes if executed correctly from 2 meters." Children

#3138

"This is how they describe the characteristics of a psychopath. "A pervasive pattern of disregard for, or violation of, the rights of others. It is defined in different ways, but can involve a lack of empathy or remorse, shallow emotions, selfishness, grandiosity or deceptiveness; it can also involve impulsiveness, irritability, aggression, or recklessness." Now...Doesn't that sound like everybody's kids at some point..." Children

#3139

The only thing worse than child labour is child unemployment Children

#3140

Following the results of the pregnancy test I bought my wife the biggest, cutest "Congratulations you're having a period" card money could buy. Children

#3141

"At what age do you switch from puppy to dry dog food? My daughter is 18 months old." Children

#3142

Apparently two 10 year olds at the same time does not count as a 20year old!!! Children

#3143

Little Susie was highly disappointed when she discovered the blue waffle that her dad gave her for breakfast wasn't the confectionery delight she was hoping for... Children

#3144

"I saw a poster, which said: "Have you seen this boy?" So I rang up and said, "No, no I haven't."" Children

#3145

"I was driving past a school during a driving lesson when my instructor said, "Don't go over 15" I said, "I won't, there's only one in the road"." Children

#3146

My kids are right whingers, today I was in the back garden just trying to play a bit of footie with them but all they did was cry every time I got possession, I got so angry at one point I volleyed the ball right over the fence, which I felt a bit bad about afterwards considering the hamster was still in it at the time. Children

#3147

When I was in school all the boys used to say rude words that I didn't understand, so I'd go to the library and do some coloring in. It wasn't long before i gave up my job as a teacher. Children

#3148

"Child lock's a great thing to use. As you get your car crushed..." Children

#3149

Raising kids is like being held hostage by midget terrorists! Children

#3150

"I hate child abuse hurts my hands.." Children

#3151

""Awwwww it's a beautiful baby boy!!" I said to the parents. I was asked to leave the funeral." Children

#3152

"After a seven year old in my primary school had his leg badly broken in a nasty tackle playing football, the school banned us from playing. Well, us teachers anyway." Children

#3153

""Children to face fitness tests". Wouldn't mind being the judge of that. I think most kids are pretty fit..." Children

#3154

"I was banging my girlfriend last night in every conceivable position, when she yelled out "I love doggy!!!" Funnily enough, I think they were my first words too." Children

#3155

"A boy is walking home to his dad when he finds a used condom on the street so he brings it home with him and asks his dad what it is. His dad not wanting to tell him what it really is he says. "That's a Twinkie and if you can find anymore fore me I will give a quArter for each one". So over the next few weeks the boy gathers 20 of these "Twinkies" exchanges them with his dad all at once. Then the boy decides to get a chocolate bar so he goes to the shop and when he's getting his money out the cashier goes. "Whoa where d'ya get all those quArters" and he says." "well I found these Twinkies in the street and sold them to my dad, but before selling i sucked all the filling out"." Children

#3156

"I was driving along the beach on my first day as a beach safety officer, when I saw a little girl holding a wire. She was thrashing about with a contorted look of pain on her face. Fearing she was being electrocuted, I got a shovel form my 4x4 and hit her with it. Thankfully she let go of the wire. I don't care if people were screaming at me that it was a kite flying contest for the mentally handicapped, a little girl could have died here!" Children

#3157

"What's the Difference between a baby and fruit? I don't eat fruit." Children

#3158

"Was sat in my briefs watching He-man and Skeleton fight with each other when my brother walked in and said, "Double or quits, If I win their names go back to Susan and Jennifer."" Children

#3159

I tagged Waldo with a GPS device. No more questions. Children

#3160

"The Children have just left to spend the holidays at their grandma's: "I miss them already," says the mother with a sigh. "Me too," says the father. "Could you spill some orange juice on my trousers?"" Children

#3161

Grr I get more pop-ups then Gary glitter at a daycare Centre Children

#3162

"I was driving home from work today, when all of a sudden a football rolled into the middle of the road. Luckily I was able to swerve and avoid it, and hit the young child who was trying to retrieve it." Children

#3163

"I was looking into adopting my second child this week and I made sure to look into three vital key areas: 1. The cost of adopting said child. 2. The ethnicity of the child. 3. Time it takes to cook." Children

#3164

"MSN News: NSPCC: Abused Children 'in every school' I knew they couldn't be trusted!" Children

#3165

"The Sun: "World's oldest conjoined twins: We have normal, separate lives" I'm willing to bet they don't" Children

#3166

"Did you know if you left a child's teeth in a bowl of coca cola overnight they would drown" Children

#3167

"That difficult moment when you're on holiday and you haven't quite got enough money for the last few days of the trip. That difficult choice, which one of my Children can I leave in the apartment?" Children

#3168

"It was a waste of money buying my newborn son a mobile phone. Every time I call, the babysitter says "He can't speak to you at the moment."" Children

#3169

"The new campaign for the NSPCC is called: "Change For Children" I'll give them 50p to wash my car and a pound if they mow my lawn as well." Children

#3170

There's nothing quite like impressing the ladies like heading to the local park and kicking little kids in the chest while yelling "THIS IS SPARTA" while performing a heroic pose on top of their bodies. Children

#3171

I'm not saying my wife is ugly but when she just opened the door to trick or theaters, they gave HER sweets! Children

#3172

"Kids are funny. My eleven year old has been quite happy to come home from school by himself, and be alone in the house for an hour or so until me or the wife finish work. But as soon as I mentioned the double murder that took place before we bought it, all of a sudden he starts to wet himself." Children

#3173

I'm going to call my new-born son "Names", so that name-calling isn't a problem when he's older. Children

#3174

"News: Harper Seven Beckham is a "mixture" of her parents David and Victoria Beckham. Ok someone finally found a use for their GCSE Biology." Children

#3175

""Well, I'm not so sure..." I hesitantly admitted. "Please, think of the Children otherwise doomed to grow up in poverty!" he pleaded. Dad narrowly managed to convince me to get an abortion." Children

#3176

"I was carrying bags of shopping home with the kids today, then I dropped one. Luckily the shopping is alright, but my son has got a fractured arm." Children

#3177

Be wary of Santa's bearing three knees... Children

#3178

"As I slowly slipped my index finger into my daughters ring she started screaming "please daddy no, stop it, I hate you. That's it I'm telling mummy." "Oh Jessica please don't tell your mum, I won't do it again, I'm so sorry..... I'll buy you another packet Harbor rings." Children

#3179

"I was with the wife earlier at Toys R Us, and she decided to pick up one of those Hula Hoops and give it a whirl. I'm not saying she's fat but a little Boy who was playing with a Telescope nearby said "Look Mum, I can see Saturn"." Children

#3180

"Just been announced on the radio that girls as young as 13 are being encouraged to buy the contraceptive pill over the counter! That should cut down my future CSA payments." Children

#3181

"I want my Children to have all the things i couldn't afford. Then I'll move back in with them." Children

#3182

"My wife said that our kids are like little cArtoon characters, loud, cute & funny Given that, you wouldn't believe the fuss she makes when i hit them in the face with a frying pan." Children

#3183

"My son's school project involved him collecting 30 leaves from different trees and bushes. 'I really should have put a lock on my greenhouse.' I thought, as I sat in the back of the police van." Children

#3184

"Contrary to what the experts say, I've always found that if I leave my kids alone they're generally quite well behaved. Especially when I leave them alone on the central reservation of the M1" Children

#3185

"My daughter came up to me the other day and said, 'Dad, can I have a new pair of trainers?' I said, 'You're twelve. Go to Taiwan and make some.'" Children

#3186

"I got arrested for pulling a little girls knickers down, putting her over my knee and spanking her bottom for misbehaving yesterday. Apparently I am not allowed to do this to someone else's child in ASDA" Children

#3187

There's a new pill on the Market for dealing with unwanted Children. They're basically nurofen disguised as smArtest. Children

#3188

Why is it these days kids always scream when they're playing? Children

#3189

"I got my windows reinforced yesterday. Now the kids can't hear the ice cream van." Children

#3190

"Children in Need says 4 million kids are living in poverty and are in need of a hot meal. Well I can't provide for them all but I can do a few each night. Solves my need too." Children

#3191

"I saw this Article on being a good Dad on ParentDish.com, which gave the following Advice: "Get into slinging the baby, then you can go for wonderful walks while we rest (and you'll be the Centre of attention at the playground too)." So I did this, and now apparently I'm "no better than Baby's parents"" Children

#3192

"Every time my partner and I make love is like the first time. Of course for them it usually is." Children

#3193

"My kids are riveted to the TV at the moment. And if that doesn't work, I've got a welding kit waiting in the garage." Children

#3194

I asked my son today what he wanted to be when he grows up. He says he wants to be a fireman. I asked him if he had an urge to help people and save lives but he replied ''no Daddy, I just like watching people burn to death''. He is such a character. Children

#3195

"I've been teaching my little girl to ride a bike, Today I took the stabilizers off. She sped along the pavement, clipped the neighbor's car, went straight through our hedge and hit the garage door. I thought it was a disaster but the wife called it a successful parking maneuvers." Children

#3196

"Why do math teachers not like dancing? They can't handle the funk." Children

#3197

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Children

#3198

"I had a few games of rock, paper, and scissors with son today. He's so easy to beat... I banned him from playing with sharp objects." Children

#3199

""But daddy, isn't this wrong" "No, all the girls your age do this with their dads. Now get on this and ride like you have never ridden before...... And if you can't I'll put your stabilizers back on."" Children

#3200

"If I ever have more kids in my household than adults I'll explain to them about democracy. I'll say that the majority group in the house gets to decide things: what food we buy, where we go to have fun and what TV. channel. Once they're excited that they'll be able to always take the majority I'll point out they're not old enough to vote." Children

#3201

"I couldn't be bothered getting my son a costume for his dress up day at school today, so just told him to take the laptop with him. "How's that dressing up?" my son asked. "Easy, just tell them you're a pirate" I replied." Children

#3202

"You're never in the right with kids. First the daughter insisted that I sent the dog out. Now the son wants me to let mummy back in." Children

#3203

"One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home. My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a Gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet" Children

#3204

"When anyone ask me to watch their Children, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time." Children

#3205

"I have a long history of suicide in my Family. The good news is it skips a generation. So if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves." Children

#3206

"I like my Children like I like my jokes. Not getting old." Children

#3207

I suppose I should be happy that I am going to be a father to and a new baby boy. But I am really going to miss all those hours standing outside school gates. Children

#3208

I was woken up this morning by the neighbors little boy kicking a football against the wall. I told him to stop that and come back to bed. Children

#3209

"What do Dreadlocks and Children have in common? If you play around with them too much they get messed up." Children

#3210

Instead of breaching copyrighted material for my Facebook picture, I'm just not going to hit a child for a while Children

#3211

"'Knock Knock'. "Will you leave your grandmother alone, have a little respect for the dead."" Children

#3212

"Interesting that, for a company like Nike, who are constantly battling legal issues regarding child labour... Their slogan would remain Just Do It." Children

#3213

"I was relieving stress by taking down some targets at the firing range.... .....when suddenly the swat team broke down the front door of the school." Children

#3214

"What's the Difference between a baby and methyl amphetamine? One can cause adrenal fatigue. The other is a stimulant drug." Children

#3215

"My 9 year old daughter approached me the other day with THAT question. "Daddy where do babies come from?" Not wanting to delude her with stories of Stalks delivering babies I replied: "Well sweet heart what happened was Daddy made a big mess and your mother sat in it"." Children

#3216

"I'll be watching a few horrors this Halloween. My wife prefers I call them 'our Children'." Children

#3217

"I lost my kids in the middle of a shopping Centre. The chain obviously wasn't secure enough." Children

#3218

I became the stag party organizer for my mate the other day. I found a great place we could go, I promised my mate the girls get wet for you and everything! He didn't seem impressed when we turned up at a Children's swimming pool. Children

#3219

"I was in a restaurant this afternoon when to my surprise I spotted Ryan air boss Michael O'Leary, feeding his baby daughter. "Open wide, here comes the aero plane! Nyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr" he said, before shoving the spoon in her ear, claiming it was 'Mouth East', and demanding a 5 bib surcharge." Children

#3220

"A teacher asks one of her pupils what he did at the weekend... "I took my dad's air rifle and shot next door's cats, Miss," he replied. She said, "That's awful, did your father punish you?" "No," he replied. "Well, not while I still had the gun in my hand."" Children

#3221

"I and my girlfriend had a problem with washing my baby son's hair. He would always scream, kick and cry his eyes out. A friend suggested Johnsons 'No More Tears' shampoo. It worked a treat! Smacked him round the head with the bottle twice and haven't heard a peep from him in 2 hours." Children

#3222

I am going to name my next child Number 7. Then when he's wondering about his missing siblings, I'll explain to him how they didn't go to bed when I told them to. Children

#3223

I was telling my young son the story of the Billy Goats Gruff when he said, "He must be a rubbish troll if he just lives under a bridge scaring goats. I bet he doesn't even have an internet connection." Children

#3224

"I found out yesterday that I have an 8 year old daughter and it moved me to tears. You should see what I owe the CSA." Children

#3225

"I made my son a scale version of Noah's Ark with all the Animals and everything using matches. Shame he's not allowed to play with them." Children

#3226

"I was proud when my son told me he'd joined the commandos. Until I found out he'd just thrown all of his underpants away." Children

#3227

Theatres are getting child actors in Panto as they cannot afford dwarfs. Some might say it's a small price to pay. Children

#3228

"NHS doctors suggest foster Children get more psychiatric drugs. Though none strong enough to conjure up images of parents not abandoning them." Children

#3229

"This hopepipe ban is really hurting my kids. But I guess that's what happens when you try to fill the paddling pool with water from the kettle." Children

#3230

"My wife's upset that I give 10 quid a month to send orphans to school in Africa. "You promised to take care of my sister's Children after she died!" she screamed." Children

#3231

"The new benefits advert; it's not if we catch you it's when this makes me think Madeleine McCann should start stealing benefits" Children

#3232

"What Disney taught me as a child; If your Dad isn't king, you're an extra at best." Children

#3233

"My girlfriend said "Your capacity for Childishness seems to be infinite." I replied "Well your capacity for Childishness is infinity plus one. So there." She left me." Children

#3234

Head teachers, why do you allow pupils to rattle their bikes behind the fingering wall ? Children

#3235

"Friends help you find a girl in a club Real friends help you spit roast the 9 year old scout....." Children

#3236

"I was in town earlier when a woman with a Charity tin came up to me and said "Care to help Children with cancer?" As much as I'd love to, I don't really have the capital funding or the Technology to accelerate malignant bone marrow cell growth. So I gave her a cigarette." Children

#3237

Checking into "Maddie's Hide Out" on Facebook is a good way to get yourself deleted. Children

#3238

"Beckham gets a lifetime achievement award... That's a bit like Fritzel getting voted father of the year." Children

#3239

"I love taking the kids to the park, then taking them home, bathing them and putting them to bed... one day I'll take my own." Children

#3240

Bing Horn? Now I know Matt Bellamy is in to his music but is there any need to call your child after two sounds? Children

#3241

"My mate: "What's with the bouncy castle? I said "It isn't a bouncy castle, I'm fumigating my shed for termites." Him: "Oh, well it looks a lot like a bouncy castle..." "I guess that explains all the dead kids..."" Children

#3242

"I desperately wanted to buy my sweet daughter a pair of prosthetic leg blades for Christmas. They are just a revolutionary invention, and really help amputees have mobility. She would just love me with all her heart and it would be such a special gift for my beautiful battling girl. Anyway, I don't want to jump the gun and get my hopes up... after all I still have to hack her legs off." Children

#3243

The phrase "If you love someone you let them go, and if it was meant to be it comes back" doesn't apply when holding your newborn baby, I recently found out. Children

#3244

"I said to my son, "Would you like to play a little game for money?" He said, "Ok, what's the game?" I said, "Every time you kick your mum's backside, I'll give you twenty pence." Best 17.60 I've ever spent." Children

#3245

"Never take a dummy from a child. They may become pacifier-gressive." Children

#3246

"This bloke in the men's toilets looked at me funny earlier when I used the urinal that was set lower down than all the others, despite other regular size ones being free. Although on reflection it could have been because his toddler was already using it at the time." Children

#3247

"I sat down with my young son today to introduce him to news programmers, you know educate him from an early age. The bright colours and the simple language are really useful for him. I'm glad we have programmers like ITV news for our kids." Children

#3248

I saw my ex the other day. Turns out she is married with a baby. What idiot marries a baby? Children

#3249

The word paedophile literally translates to 'Child Enthusiast.' Over enthusiastic much? Children

#3250

"My P.E Teacher: "That's it, one more push and then you can rest. You're using those muscles you've never used before". Story of how I lost my virginity, aged 12." Children

#3251

Yay so Santa came during the night... just wish I had a tissue to whip it off though. Children

#3252

"A man being in a kitchen is like a necrophilia in a nursery, it just isn't right." Children

#3253

"I thought I was the coolest kid when I was younger because everyone dressed like me. Until I realized school uniform was mandatory." Children

#3254

"Kids. If you can't beat them, don't have them." Children

#3255

"Punch an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their parents?" Children

#3256

"The wife and I have different opinions on parenthood: I wanted to have a baby for 5 years... but she wants to keep it forever" Children

#3257

Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee Children

#3258

My girlfriend told me last night that she thinks it's time for us to start thinking about Children....... I've been doing that for years, I'm glad she's on board. Children

#3259

"Last night, before my son went to bed, he was telling me how much he hates his teacher. He was saying things like, "He's an idiot" or "he's out to get me". This is the last thing I wanted to hear, as he is home schooled." Children

#3260

"Just been down the beach helping my daughter catch crabs. Do the GUM clinics treat kids too?" Children

#3261

"I thought it would be hilarious naming my kids Frank and Stein, just to see the look on people's faces when they ask if I have Children. And I was right. It is. I mean, what sort of name is Stein anyway?" Children

#3262

"I don't see what the problem is with these health warnings about Children and plastic bags. I gave one to my son this morning, he's been quiet for hours now." Children

#3263

"There was a familiar wakeup call at 6.30 this morning. "DADDY. I done a toilet. Can you wipe me?" It was so cute. "I'll do it this one last time, but you're a big boy now and you must learn to do this yourself. Wow! Somebody has a messy bot bot" "Cut the chit chat Dad or I'll be late for work", I said" Children

#3264

"My kids loved it when I threw them down the waterslide. They weren't so keen on the landslide!" Children

#3265

"Today, my 4-year old son came running in to the kitchen, yelling: "I want to be a ninja when I grow up!" Can't wait to tell him he's a dwarf" Children

#3266

""My wife's off her nut. She keeps complaining that I don't care enough about the kids." "How many have you got then?" "Three, maybe four ..."" Children

#3267

After a long and costly legal battle, I found out you're unlikely to be granted custody if they're not your Children to begin with. Children

#3268

"My 5 year old son just invented a brilliant reusable tissue! He calls it his tongue." Children

#3269

"Premature greyness is hereditary. You get it from your kids." Children

#3270

"With babies, they say breast is best. I don't mind which part I eat as long as there's gravy." Children

#3271

"'Children need to see disabled people on TV to get over their fear' says one-armed presenter Cerrie Burnell. On the other hand... oh wait." Children

#3272

"BBC NEWS HEADLINE: 'Sterling hits 19 month euro high' so what you're saying is, Old man hits druggy baby." Children

#3273

"My baby nephew has been really whingy and whiney since he got rubber on his arm from the tread making machine at the Michelin factory tour. He's just tired." Children

#3274

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came around to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told his uncle to give him an addition question, so the uncle asked "What is 3 plus 4?" The little boy counts it on his fingers and says "Seven" The uncle said , "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your fingers because some day when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the boy puts his hands in his pockets and the uncles says "Now what five plus five?" The uncle seen movement in the boys pockets, then the boy answered, "Eleven" Children

#3275

"The other day I was in the process of buying a pair of Nike shoes, when a man came up to me and said: "Are you sure you want to buy a product that a small Indian child was forced to make for the equivalent of 5p?" I replied: "Somebody has to employ them."" Children

#3276

"I love dog owners. Always happy to let you have a good old stroke of their beautiful dogs when you ask. Can't say the same for parents, mind..." Children

#3277

"What did Michael Jackson & Santa have in common? They both left kids bedrooms with their sacks empty..." Children

#3278

Two Girls One Cup. Some may call it sick, I just call it a good way to teach kids to share. Children

#3279

"I spent yesterday at the zoo looking after my Children. They seem much happier now they're all in the same cage." Children

#3280

"I said to my son, "What did you do at school today?" He said, "We learnt about all the capitals." "How many do you know?" I asked. He said, "All of them." I said, "All of them, are you sure?" He said, "Yes, they're just like the small letters, but you write them a bit bigger."" Children

#3281

"My long term girlfriend looked furious when I told her I hated Children and never wanted to have any. Especially as she had just told me she was pregnant." Children

#3282

"I finally sat my 12 year old son down and had the talk with him. Now he understands why his mum lives in the kitchen." Children

#3283

So my wife went all funny and got a bit upset when I bought our 13 year old daughter some veet hair removal cream for her birthday... Children

#3284

"A cloned cow has been put on the market and is ready to be eaten. This could be harmful. Lives are at stake." Children

#3285

"My son just told me that I wasn't the "boss" of him. So I sat him down and showed him a 65 slide PowerPoint to justify my management position." Children

#3286

"How can you tell if your girlfriend is too old? She's started getting homework" Children

#3287

Sold my daughters virginity to a Family member. She doesn't know yet. Her uncle Steve won. That's not MY brother, it's my wife's brother, in case you thought I was a sicko. Children

#3288

"I don't know why my Children hate bubbles so much. I only took them to the never land ranch once." Children

#3289

I see Ubisoft have released a new "Michael Jackson: The Experience" computer game. I look forward to buying it for my kids and then playing with them. Children

#3290

"Whilst we were driving home I was trying to show my wife the correct use of the throttle. It's by far the best way to shut the kids up." Children

#3291

"I believe in letting the inner child out... once they've earned their freedom" Children

#3292

"I lost my Virginity the other day, and I rang around all my friends to tell them, and they all said I should ring the police! So I rang the police and told them, and they said I was wasting police time and could receive a fine! My missus said that's the last time she lets me name any of our kids." Children

#3293

"I saw on the news there the headline "Has China mother had octuplets?" ...or is she just a nanny for 8 unrelated kids?" Children

#3294

"I have a third party, fire and theft policy. And sadly, because of that, I no longer get invited to three-year-Old's birthday parties." Children

#3295

My wife told me she's pregnant with a girl. That's great, I can save 20% on allowance! Children

#3296

"My wife hates it when our baby kicks her. I say baby, he's nearly two now, but at least he's a quick learner." Children

#3297

I was in Portugal a few weeks back when I saw the cutest little 3 year old girl and I found myself thinking, 'When in Rome...' Children

#3298

"I'm such a convincing guy, that I was actually able to sell ice to an Eskimo. Besides, I always regretted naming my kid ice." Children

#3299

Parents who never thought things through when naming their child no. 96: Phil McCrevis Children

#3300

"Thought I'd teach my kids how to overcome their fear of heights today, so I dropped them off their school." Children

#3301

"What is 12" long and makes a woman moan all night? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome." Children

#3302

If you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? Children

#3303

"I had to babysit my sister's infant the other day, and I had the world's worst headache, because the young baby wouldn't stop crying. And I knew for sure that it wasn't because of food, sleep, poo or wee. Because I did all of them, and my headache still didn't disappear." Children

#3304

I'm not saying I'm a bad parent or anything but it did take a photo on a milk cArton before I realized my son was missing. Children

#3305

You know you've got a problem when your second kid starts walking before your first. Children

#3306

"I've been thinking of opening a school for disadvantaged kids. All I gotta do is master the Art of disguising myself as the Queen." Children

#3307

"Sky News: 'See Dannii Minogue's Baby Boy - On Twitter'. These kids are so advanced these days." Children

#3308

"All this snowy weather is letting the little boy inside of me take control. To be honest, I quite like getting tied up while he rides me." Children

#3309

"I hear Victoria Beckham was offered gas and air while in labour with her new baby, apparently she wasn't hungry at the time" Children

#3310

"Children in Need is raising awareness for Leukemia in young Children. Sponsored by Marlboro." Children

#3311

"Why did the boy drop his lolly pop? Because he got hit by a car." Children

#3312

"I love the way Children look when they're asleep. Vulnerable." Children

#3313

"I saw some tightrope walkers the other day. What a weird flavor for a packet of crisps." Circus

#3314

"How do you stop a clown from laughing? Hit it in the face with an axe." Circus

#3315

"I'm doing community service at a funfair but today I stole a wobbly mirror. I just hope it doesn't reflect badly on me." Circus

#3316

"I have just been offered a job as a clown. My boss told me the other guy was good. Seems to me I'll have some big shoes to fill." Circus

#3317

"It was such a shame to hear that the human cannonball that lost his life the other day. His career was just taking off." Circus

#3318

"After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire. "But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"" circus

#3319

"How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler." Circus

#3320

"What's a circus master's favorite type of cigarette? A roll-up." Circus

#3321

"Went into a party shop earlier and was horrified at the prices of Balloons. The rate of inflation on them is ridiculous." Circus

#3322

"I was looking through the employment section of the paper today and saw a vacancy for an acrobat, I thought, perfect, I could do that standing on my head.." circus

#3323

"Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his Stilton." Circus

#3324

"On my first day as a human cannonball my boss said, "I'm going to have to let you go." "You can't fire me," I replied. "That's exactly why I'm letting you go," he said." Circus

#3325

"My eight year old son told me there was nothing scarier than a clown. One night, whilst he was sleeping, I hung a dead clown above his bed. Safe to say, I won that debate." Circus

#3326

"I've been walking on a tightrope ever since I had an argument with my boss. I don't care if he owns the circus, I'm supposed to be the bearded lady." Circus

#3327

The phrase: "act your age, not your shoe size" is severely negated by the actions of clowns. Circus

#3328

"A clown tried to start a fight with me earlier today. I said: "Listen mate, you don't want to fight me. I'll make you look silly."" Circus

#3329

"A drunk clown walks into a shop next to a bar. The shopkeeper says 'This Jokes gone one step too far'" circus

#3330

"There's been talk at the circus of making our extreme knife throwing act redundant. I'm currently facing the axe." Circus

#3331

"I started my new job as a clown today, and I found my feet immediately. Not surprising, really, they're bright red and absolutely enormous." Circus

#3332

"I just saw this idiot with bright red hair, going down the road on a unicycle whilst juggling. What a clown!" circus

#3333

"I was knocked over by a clown car! Luckily, 17 people got out to help." Circus

#3334

"I was supposed to pick up seven professional clowns today. But I couldn't find a car small enough." Circus

#3335

"I was nervous at first, but once i felt it easily slide down the back of my throat, I jammed the rest in. Circus Sword Swallower seems like a natural transition after college." Circus

#3336

"I was stuck on the M6 behind a huge lorry carrying a fairground ride doing 20mph yesterday. Everyone was screaming at him but he wouldn't go any faster." Circus

#3337

"A clown was taking the mickey out of me earlier so I said to him, 'you're dead, funny!' He said, 'thanks.' So I shot him in the chest." Circus

#3338

"I got an email from a circus the other day but I couldn't open the attachment. Apparently it had been created with a dopey acrobat." Circus

#3339

"Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker... I used to look up to him..." circus

#3340

"My dad raised me single handedly when I was a child. But that's life when you're born into a Family of circus acrobats." Circus

#3341

"My girlfriend is leaving me because she thinks I'm a buffoon. So, with a heavy heart, I selected the most depressing of my 'unhappy horns' and honked the saddest of honks. "Honk"." Circus

#3342

"My wife was a great sword-swallower in the circus when we met. Not my choice, but her amazing talent soon became neglected shortly after our wedding." Circus

#3343

"A man decides to join the circus. The ringmaster agrees to watch his act in the big top to see if he is suitable. The man climbs a tall tower and jumps off flapping his arms wildly. After a few seconds his fall slows and he soars forward, swoops up, turns and stops in midair then gently glides to the ground. He turns and smiles at the ringmaster, ' what do you think, ' says the man. The ringmaster looks unimpressed and replies, ' Is that all you can do, bird imitations? '" Circus

#3344

"I used to work in a circus as the human cannonball. But I left after they fired me." Circus

#3345

"I used to get this funny feeling when I was a kid. I was molested by a clown on a daily basis." Circus

#3346

"The midget human cannonball missed his target killing the bearded lady in the process. It was a freak accident." Circus

#3347

"BBC News: "Cameron to work with solei stars". Makes sense, the clown joining the acrobats, completes the circus act." Circus

#3348

"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car." Circus

#3349

"My new girlfriend is a tightrope walker. She keeps asking me to check her equipment and repair it if there is a fault. I am enjoying our relationship but I didn't realize it would be so high maintenance." Circus

#3350

""Try walking in my shoes" said the clown." Circus

#3351

Panorama; advertising pirate bay and vuze... it's like the police giving out free drugs circus

#3352

"Just mugged a couple of clowns outside the circus. I told them not to try anything stupid." Circus

#3353

"What is the Difference between the armed forces and a circus? In the circus you don't have to salute the clowns." Circus

#3354

If red bull gave me wings I'd hover above a farm and mock chicken's circus

#3355

My daughter has been going out with a clown for 25 years now. I don't think she will ever have a serious relationship. Circus

#3356

"How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you." Communication

#3357

"Most popular iPhone App of the month: Public Telephone Box Locator." Communication

#3358

The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you. Communication

#3359

"LG smArt phones...for those who can't afford iPhones... Or a BlackBerry... Or a Nokia... Or an Ericsson... Or 2 cups and a piece of string." Communication

#3360

Am I the only person eagerly awaiting a Sickipedia iPhone app? Communication

#3361

"Bluetooth. Allowing dads to craftily send naked pictures of their son's girlfriends to their own phones since 1994." Communication

#3362

"I've recently started work as a mobile mechanic and drive around in a tow truck all day. I don't know why I need a big truck, most of the time I just change the battery or wiggle the Sim card about." Communication

#3363

"A young lady went to a local psychic. "Who would you like to contact, my dear?" The psychic asked. "My mother," she replied. "Wait there, I think I'm getting something. Yes, yes, she's here - your mother's spirit is here." "Really?" "Yes, it's your mother, she's here." "Mother, is it really you?" "Your mother says, 'Don't worry dear,' that she loves you and she wants you to get on with your life." "Oh good," replied the young lady. "Can she hear me?" "Yes, my child, your mother's spirit can hear you." "Okay, Mum, just to let you know I have no change for a phone call, and I need you to know I won't be back for dinner as I'm staying over at Eric's, so see you some time tomorrow, love you."" Communication

#3364

"What's all this fuss about 3D TV all of a sudden? My TV's always been 3-dimensional." Communication

#3365

"I've just spent 2 hours on the phone comforting my friend who got dumped and I think I've been really helpful. But Vodafone's taken all the credit." Communication

#3366

""Apple iPhone 4 users have trouble making calls" That's because they have no friends to ring" Communication

#3367

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. Communication

#3368

"I keep getting these annoying texts. You know the ones where they keep sending more and more of them. I finally had enough today and sent STOP to the offending number. Didn't work though; just have a reply saying something about missing our wedding day?" Communication

#3369

"My wife said she's leaving me because 'I'm not an effective communicator.' I'll e-mail her about it tomorrow." Communication

#3370

All these Facebook statuses about X Factor are ridiculous, I can't believe how no one has commented on how Robson Green just caught his biggest catch yet on Extreme Fishing. Communication

#3371

"I've decided that I want my Children to have a traditional childhood, so I spent last Sunday showing my son how you could communicate at distances of up to half a mile using just two empty baked bean cans and a length of string. I was having a brilliant time, until I got a text message from him to say that it was working." Communication

#3372

"Sky called me today and asked for some customer feedback... ...so I squealed down the phone at them." Communication

#3373

You know you're unpopular when 118 ignore your texts. Communication

#3374

"My mate came up to me the other day and asked, "How's it going?" "Same old, same old," I replied. "Yourself?" I added. "Can't complain," he said. Blokes: Saying nothing in particular since the dawn of time." Communication

#3375

"When asked "What would be your dream job once leaving school?" in a recent poll, 99% of 11-16 year olds wrote: "My dream is too work in a sweat shop!" Say what you like about the kids of today, they may be illiterate but they aren't scared of hard work!" Communication

#3376

"My wife left the computer for a few seconds and came back in accusing me of tampering with her emails! I quickly changed the subject." Communication

#3377

"A friend of mine said she was going to spend the day "Just lolling around the house" I couldn't see what she found so funny." Communication

#3378

Whoever invented iPhone spell checker is a complete and utter tear. Communication

#3379

"I was in my hotel room and couldn't get a signal on my mobile, so I went down to the lobby. They've got reception there." Communication

#3380

"All my mates keep laughing at me because I'm on a Pay-As-You-Go mobile phone. So I took out a contract.........And got them killed." Communication

#3381

"So I'm in JFK airport with my 3 kids Alex, Kyle and Ida. They all go missing whilst going security and I start to panic. So I ask if I can use the tannoy to call out for them.... very innocently I shout out "AL-KY-IDA" I don't remember much of what happened next...." Communication

#3382

"My mate rang me and asked "What are you up to?" "Nothing much," I replied "I'm just sitting here in a lecture about mobile phone etiquette. So, how was your weekend, mate?"" Communication

#3383

I just rang the Halifax bank and got a message saying that due to adverse weather conditions they are short on staff and it may take longer than normal to answer my call. I didn't even know it could snow in India? Communication

#3384

"I bought at Enigma machine off eBay last week. I'm still trying to work the instructions out." Communication

#3385

Mobiles: A way to speak to yourself without anyone noticing. Communication

#3386

"Created a group on Facebook last year - the "Fear of commitment club"... Can't figure out why it's still got no members..." Communication

#3387

Now I use Facebook, I think that since I left school they must teach girls to use an 'x' instead of a full stop. Communication

#3388

"Apple really aren't being very original with their Technology. There was the iPod, a revolutionary product that changes the world of music but all they've done since is whack a phone on it and make it bigger... Maybe they should come up with a new idea." Communication

#3389

"I've been bombarded with dirty picture messages and kinky texts all morning. It's all well and good, but this is my mum's phone." Communication

#3390

The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line. Communication

#3391

"The other day I was browsing the forums! Someone was excited about being able to Google their user name and it would bring up said name and Sickipedia jokes from them. "Well," I thought, "I will give it a go." So I Goggled away and it took me straight to the obituaries - I hadn't realized I had that many jokes buried." Communication

#3392

Why is it that the most important part of a voicemail is always the hardest to hear? Communication

#3393

Sickipedia on your mobile phone; like having a ginger hating rapist pulling wisecracks in your pocket... Communication

#3394

"I was exchanging emails with a 45 year old bloke for ages and we arranged to meet. When I got there, it turned out to be some really fit bird my age. How disappointing." Communication

#3395

"I went into the estate agents today I said "Hi, I wondered if you could help me I have a flat?" The estate agent said "Oh, are you looking to sell it?" I said "No, I'm looking to blow it back up."" Communication

#3396

"*IF YOU CAN READ THIS* Then you're probably not using a Blackberry" Communication

#3397

"O2 is the most unselfish lover ever. It's just gone down on the whole country." Communication

#3398

"What would you do with your unlimited texts from orange, if you top up just 15 per month using their new offer? I'd text o2 and thank them for coming up with the idea three years ago..." Communication

#3399

"Did you hear about BT's new invention? Speed dole" Communication

#3400

"I've started a mobile phone network that covers 1% of the UK. I'm going to sell it to Vodafone." Communication

#3401

"As a student nurse I had little money for meals so I ate the awful food provided at the hospital canteen. I often took my break in the ward kitchen and sometimes kindly visitors would hand in treats they had brought for patients who had not wanted to eat them. One night a woman brought a pie to the kitchen and said, ' Would you eat this up, love. 'The pie was absolutely delicious, full of meat with a light golden pastry, I ate it in next to no time. Soon the woman returned and said, ' Is me 'husbands pie 'to enough yet? '" Communication

#3402

Who else joins the 'Lost my phone, numbers please...?' Facebook groups, just to rob the numbers of people you'd never normally get them off Communication

#3403

Texting - Because a 5 minute conversation should take all day. Communication

#3404

"I just got a weird text from my best friend saying, "Mate, I'm actually in the future right now and robots do absolutely everything for us humans" Sent by my android." Communication

#3405

"I met this really cute girl I thought was way out my league last week in a club. I thinks she was a bit drunk but it seemed to help and I got her phone number! Now she texts me all the time: 'pls stop texting me' 'i dnt want u fllwing me agen' 'wht wer u doin in my grdn lst nite?' 'im goin 2 call the plc'" Communication

#3406

"My wife was on the phone sorting out our insurance. "And your postcode?", asked the operator. "TW7 5HQ", my wife replied. "That's T for train, W for woman, H for house and Q for Cuba." I swear to God I could've slapped her!" Communication

#3407

""IPad. There's no right way and no wrong way"- to hold it. If only the iPhone was this advanced" Communication

#3408

I update my Facebook status using my Blackberry so as people think I am out and have a life.

Communication

#3409

"Did you know that the Bluetooth mobile headset was invented by a German man? Hans Free." Communication

#3410

"My wife asked "Did you remember to send that fax for me?" "Yes" I replied "I sent it this morning." "Ha got you!" she said "You didn't send it, I've just seen it on your desk."" Communication

#3411

""100 million Facebook users' data published" I don't see what the fuss is about; if you go on sickipedia you can read their Facebook status' first hand." Communication

#3412

Facebook E-Mail: Same as the average e-mail except you can't remove Zuckerburg from the CC list and your e-mails are viewable by the world the day they decide to change the Facebook security options Communication

#3413

"A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like, 'What's your favorite color?' A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like, 'What's your favorite color person?'" Communication

#3414

I got a message on my mobile about the future. It was predictive texting. Communication

#3415

"My wife said " We don't seem to understand each other these days. Why can't we just get along?" "A long what?" I asked." Communication

#3416

"I've finally learnt the Art of throwing my voice", said my kettle. Communication

#3417

"Got a text off Orange today saying "why not try orange Wednesdays?" Probably because it's a Thursday." Communication

#3418

"Dear, Chicken. I have no idea why everyone wants to know why you crossed the road, I'm not impressed. Sincerely, the cow that jumped over the moon." Communication

#3419

"Cheryl Cole has been axed from The X Factor by Simon Cowel, because people couldn't understand her accent. Shame we can't have Simon in charge of telephone banking in the UK?" Communication

#3420

My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :) Communication

#3421

"Never tell a woman that she is over-reacting..... She'll only over-react" Communication

#3422

I have created a Twitter account called "The Yellow Brick Road" and I am going to follow it Communication

#3423

"I'm more of a haha than an lol kinda person But sometimes I actually meet real people!" Communication

#3424

"My wife sobbingly said "Nothing I do makes any sense anymore." "Stop talking nonsense" I said." Communication

#3425

Anyone else get seriously excited when they receive their first text message for about a month, then rapidly that excitement goes when they find out it's from Orange. Communication

#3426

Excellent personality test: type in 'coal' to your predictive text and see what comes up first. Communication

#3427

"I rang my friend up earlier with my iPhone 4. I thought hang on a minute..." Communication

#3428

"Difference between Chris Moyle's and his listeners? His listeners eventually grow up." Communication

#3429

I asked my wife where my dinner.....was she went on a right one, screaming that if I gave her a hand it would be done quicker... so I gave her a hand......... a right one........ I'm still waiting for my dinner and she seems to be having a kip on the kitchen floor. On the positive side she's gone all quiet now..... Communication

#3430

Life is too short to make mistakes Communication

#3431

"I phoned the police today. We hadn't chatted in ages..." Communication

#3432

"I was trying to think of a name for a band and all I could come up with was 'The Telephones'. I thought it had a ring to it." Communication

#3433

"BBC News: Texas Homes Destroyed By Wildfire. I didn't know HTC had an app for that!" Communication

#3434

"I was upset when my wife told me I was too pedestrian about life. So I went for a walk." Communication

#3435

Even the families of staff at Clinton will be sending their loved one a sad face text message rather than forking out three quid on a card Communication

#3436

"What were the three quickest ways to get a message to as many people as possible in as short a time as possible before email? 1. Telephone 2. Telegram 3. Tell woman" Communication

#3437

The amazing thing about mobile phones is that, no matter where you are or whatever you are doing, you can keep them switched off so no-one will bother you. Communication

#3438

"HISTORY: William of Orange stood on one side........... John of Vodafone and Richard of O2 on the other...." Communication

#3439

"Just saw a site "Learn Spanish: A Word a Day!" The average English person's vocabulary is about 25000 words... "Learn Spanish: In 68 Years!"" Communication

#3440

"I've changed my Mobile provider from O2 to a new service called Gypsy It has Free Roaming" Communication

#3441

"I didn't know robots could get headaches, indigestion or feel pain... But I just read in the news that Sony are releasing Android tablets." Communication

#3442

"IPhone app saves man trapped in Haiti rubble: Film maker Dan Woolley was trapped in the rubble after the Haiti earthquake. Thanks to the iPhone first-aid app he'd downloaded, he knew how to fashion a bandage and tourniquet for his leg and to stop the bleeding from his head wound. The app also warned him not to fall asleep if he felt he was going into shock, so he set his cell phone's alarm clock to go off every 20 minutes. About 3 days after his hotel collapsed, Woolley was found by a French rescue team and subsequently transported to a hospital in Florida. That's just incredible. An iPhone battery lasting for 3 days!" Communication

#3443

"I recently won the award for funniest Sickipedian. When the trophy was presented to me, I spotted my African girlfriend in the audience. She was on her feet cheering. Afterwards i sent her a text saying 'thanks for the cheer' using predictive texting ...BIG mistake" Communication

#3444

"My phone contract was a con. It stated that for 20 a month I would get 5000 texts. It's been 8 months now and I've not received a single text." Communication

#3445

""Thank you for calling the Freedom of Speech hotline where we believe that it is every person's right to voice their opinions without fear of recrimination". "Calls may be monitored"." Communication

#3446

When I go to delete an app on my IPhone and they're shaking, it always makes me feel guilty, it's almost like they're all anxious about who's getting axed. Communication

#3447

"Wife was intrigued when she opened up her Birthday Present today. She asked for something with diamonds. I got her a pack of Playing cards. You should have seen the look on her face when I told her they were fit for royalty." Communication

#3448

Ever since I got an IPhone I've missed the sound of turning pages in the bathroom.. Communication

#3449

3 mobile call centers. Communication

#3450

"My wife says I spend too much time on Facebook. According to her wall post, anyway." Communication

#3451

When someone asks you for account details on the phone, "200 years old, sharp teeth, hates wooden stakes" is an unacceptable answer. Communication

#3452

"Facebook is down. What I'm I going to do with my life?" Communication

#3453

Imagine God's face when he checked his inbox... Communication

#3454

"If you count vocals everyone can play an instrument because everyone can hum and talk. Well in that case Stephen Hawking can play keyboard." Communication

#3455

"'Talk is cheap', people say. But not the same people who are on 'Vodafone'." Communication

#3456

"02 has brought out a new package called Siamese. 02 connecting people" Communication

#3457

"Girlfriend: There you go again! Me: *There. Girlfriend: And another thing; you always have to be so... pedantry. Me: *Pedantic." Communication

#3458

"I hate when you're insulting someone over text and predictive makes it come out wrong. You always end up looking like a right count." Communication

#3459

"Sky have brought out a new version of their HD box that saves energy by going into standby mode after 12 hours. It's called a Sky Tasman Archer Box or "sleeping satellite" as the engineers like to call it." Communication

#3460

"Thank God for public phone boxes as I still use them. They're the only places I can talk in private on my mobile these days." Communication

#3461

Just heard about Apples new app which lets you order a pizza, anywhere, from your IPhone. I reckon I must have got a special one because mine already does this. Communication

#3462

Ironically, the more someone uses the word 'like' in a conversation, the more I feel the opposite about them. Communication

#3463

Going to start calling my girlfriend 02 to see if she will go down on me. Communication

#3464

"Was trying to explain to my gran who was sitting in the chair with the cat on her lap, for over an hour, how her new iPhone worked. I think I did a pretty good job because the cat just called." Communication

#3465

"What's all this fuss about 3D TV all of a sudden? My TV's always been 3-dimensional." Communication

#3466

"The wife loves her iPhone, so I've decided to get her even more attached to it with the latest optional extra - Velcro backing - which means she can drop that silly Bluetooth earpiece. It's absolutely perfect for her sideburns." Communication

#3467

"My wife decided to take down all the Christmas lights without telling me. I feel like I'm being left in the dark over these decisions." Communication

#3468

"When a bloke rings my mate it plays 'Raining Men,' when a woman rings it plays 'Three Times a Lady'. Got himself a new IPhone.." Communication

#3469

"There is no way that the world is going to end on 21/12/2012 like the Aztecs predicted. Sorry Aztecs, wrong again, just like you were about the optimum method of ingesting chocolate. Makes you wonder what they were smoking." Communication

#3470

"'If you don't have an iPhone... You don't have an iPhone.' The kind of intelligence and wisdom often displayed by someone with an iPhone." Communication

#3471

"I hate getting my social networking sites mixed up, Just last week I was telling my Family to come on My Face.." Communication

#3472

Steve Jobs probably had the BlackBerry server as his life support machine. Communication

#3473

"Some girl updated her bbm status: "Phones about to die: /" 3 hours later... "RIP Uncle John <3" Apparently asking if her phone was called Uncle John was inappropriate." Communication

#3474

"I hate condescending people. But, I wouldn't expect you to understand." Communication

#3475

Probably the single and most frustrating thing about social media websites like twitter, is the fact that you only get 140 characters to us Communication

#3476

""That letter you've been waiting for is here," said my wife, "and you've got the job!" "Great!" I replied, "When do I start?" "3 weeks ago...."" Communication

#3477

"The new iPod 3G supports browsing on the move without the need for a Wi-Fi connection. The only downside is it can't make or receive calls. A much cheaper alternative for the iPhone4." Communication

#3478

It's got to the point where i wear my headset whilst playing my Xbox even when i have no friends online. Just so i don't have to talk to my wife. Communication

#3479

"So Mark Zuckerberg has got married to Priscilla Chan when asked why she consented to marry him Pricilla said "I can think of 106 billion reasons"" Communication

#3480

"Can't say I'd buy an iPhone 4 after that new advert showing off Face Time. Video quality is good but the sound seems to have been replaced with Louis Armstrong..." Communication

#3481

"Yesterday I got an email saying "you have no emails". Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it." Communication

#3482

"It started hailing the other day, so I shouted Caesar. When in Rome..." Communication

#3483

"My new phone has a very un-musical ring. It's cordless." Communication

#3484

"My phone rang earlier. I answered it and a voice I didn't recognize said, "Alright mate. I've just bought a united shirt with "ROONEY" and "3" on the back." I said, "Sorry, I think you've got the wrong number."" Communication

#3485

"The wife said "I just can't get through to you, it's like were on different wavelengths!".... "You daft cow." I replied "your walkie talkie is on the wrong frequency!"" Communication

#3486

"I was trying to find my girlfriend so I asked my brother if he knew where she was. He said "no, have you tried her cell?" I said "no, I've looked there it's empty, but I will try phoning her"." Communication

#3487

""NO JOKE, YOU HAVE WON AN IPHONE" Pretty ironic considering this is a joke site." Communication

#3488

"I've still got my original Nokia 3310, I think it may be time to get rid of it. Apparently, I've to take it somewhere called 'Mordor'" Communication

#3489

"The funniest thing to do using Google+ Step 1. Randomly divide everyone you know into two separate circles. Step 2. Post to circle 1 that you just got an awesome new job Step 3. Post to circle 2 that you just contracted some disease Step 4. Post to your extended circles the message: 'Tomorrow is my last day' Sit back and watch resulting comment battle unfold..." Communication

#3490

"O2 and 3..... So called because that's how many satisfied customers they each have." Communication

#3491

"If my iPhone were truly 'smArt'..... It wouldn't let me text people when I'm drunk." Communication

#3492

"Normally I hate the adverts on television but the last one I saw I really agreed with. It was warning of the dangers of cyber bullying; how sad and sick it is. How cyber bullying really does show the broken society we live in today and all that has changed over the years with the age of Technology... Now it's the fatty's and the nerds have the upper hand when it comes to picking on people. God must be shaking his head looking at what we've become. Shaking his head..." Communication

#3493

Does anybody else think that 'Face time' by Apple sounds like a weekly quota of oral? Communication

#3494

"My idea for a perfect pint was a cool Fosters on the beach in Jamaica with Bob Marley. For some reason carling said I didn't win." Communication

#3495

It's a sad state of affairs when your Blackberry goes down on you more often than your Girlfriend! Communication

#3496

"I've just taken out a contract with Vodafone. 2500 for them to shoot that fat bloke from the Go Compare adverts." Communication

#3497

I asked Siri to call me an ambulance since I was experiencing chest pains. It responded by telling me it would call me 'an ambulance' from now on. Communication

#3498

"My wife and I had a close call this morning. I can't believe she phoned me from next door." Communication

#3499

"Just got my best mate, my dog a cell phone plan. It comes with roll-over minutes." Communication

#3500

"BBC News: "Black granted bail pending appeal" ...What? You don't need me to write anything?" Communication

#3501

Blackberry helping teenagers to commit suicide since Monday. Communication

#3502

"I can't wait till my birthday on 1st October. Sent from my Blackberry" Communication

#3503

"Bank security checks are pretty pointless if you're talking to an Indian customer. "Can I take your mother's maiden name please Mr. Patel?" "Yeah. It's Patel."" Communication

#3504

"Are you forgetful? Are you not remembering where you put things? I made an app for that.... It's around here somewhere I just have to find it." Communication

#3505

"What do you call a hi-fi that will never let you down? A sound system!" Communication

#3506

"My wife said "You're not making any sense". I replied "Fourteen and a bit on the top"." Communication

#3507

"My phone has been ringing off the hook. I should probably get that fixed." Communication

#3508

"Mobile Phone? Hopelessly old-fashioned.. I went over to telepathy several years ago." Communication

#3509

"I always finish my text messages with a kiss. The lads down at the pub never seem to approve of their wet cheeks, though." Communication

#3510

I'm not saying the guy from the BT adverts is creepy, but I'm expecting in the next one for him to turn around and say "Let me shave your legs and lick you while you sleep" Communication

#3511

Facebook - for hideous, fat, ugly women to deceive lads into thinking they look human. Communication

#3512

My wife left me today because of my obsession with twitter. There's a lot more to it than that but unfortunately I'm about to run out of cha Communication

#3513

At work today this OAP costumer kept calling me duck... I thought to myself, if she calls me duck one more time I think I'm going to quack... Communication

#3514

I felt really awkward today when i rang a slag and it said ".......welcome to the virgin voice mail" Communication

#3515

They say music is the language of spirits. So, next time your bank keeps you hanging on the phone, they're probably taking you for a medium. Communication

#3516

I've just hit someone with their own blackberry. Those things really are useful, I might get one now. Communication

#3517

"I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. 1024x768." Computers-Technology

#3518

"I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore. Definitely time for a new keyboard." Computers-Technology

#3519

"I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while." Computers-Technology

#3520

"I currently own a system which is exactly 14 times better than Windows 7. I call it: Windows 98." Computers-Technology

#3521

"I've just upgraded to Sky HD. I'm impressed. The phrase 'No satellite signal is being received' has never been so colourful and clear." Computers-Technology

#3522

"Microsoft's new Windows advert talks about life without walls... Surely life without walls is a Window's worst nightmare." Computers-Technology

#3523

No, Microsoft Word, my name is not spelt incorrectly. Computers-Technology

#3524

"Want to know how to get a Flat Stomach & Perfect Abs in 2 to 3 Weeks? Hmmmm let me see...... Photoshop?" Computers-Technology

#3525

""And so, God came forth and proclaimed widescreen is the best" Sony 16:9" Computers-

Technology

#3526

"I can't believe all the singles in my area want to meet me, probably because of all the iPads I've won." Computers-Technology

#3527

"It's a good job Apple isn't in charge of New Year. We'd all be expecting 2012 and get 2011S instead." Computers-Technology

#3528

"AltGr for when the Alt key isn't angry enough for you." Computers-Technology

#3529

"Just bought an iPod Touch. It's just like an iPhone, but you can't make calls. No, wait, it's exactly like an iPhone." Computers-Technology

#3530

"I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch a Sketch and I don't own an iPad. Also, I'm out of vodka." Computers-Technology

#3531

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows. Computers-Technology

#3532

You know you're a geek when you have an iPhone, an iPod, a PC, a laptop, a GPS system and a PDA but you'd swap them all for a working light saber. Computers-Technology

#3533

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That's nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows. Computers-Technology

#3534

"I heard yesterday that there's talk amongst computer companies to increase the size of a byte by one-eighth. I'd say that's a bit too much." Computers-Technology

#3535

"Amazon Kindle App: "Buy Now, Read Everywhere" Y'know what else you can buy now and read everywhere? A book." Computers-Technology

#3536

73% of men don't know what a cookie is. But 99% know how to delete them. Computers-Technology

#3537

An Apple store was broken into and 10,000 worth of merchandise was stolen. The police are confident they can recover both Computers. Computers-Technology

#3538

"What is iPad? IPad is thin. iPad is beautiful. IPad goes anywhere and lasts all day. IPad is not my wife." Computers-Technology

#3539

"I've just bought a JVC LCD 1080P HD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock." Computers-Technology

#3540

"Wrfsgqweztkl;'# ast gg4369on/hoivdz... Why does no one ever think of unplugging their keyboard before cleaning it?" Computers-Technology

#3541

"What's the Difference between T-Mobile and the human centipede? The human centipede actually connects people." Computers-Technology

#3542

"Bluetooth phone mini-headsets. Blurring the line between the technologically adept and criminally insane schizophrenia." Computers-Technology

#3543

"Database Latency again... There are 540 of you looking at this page. It's usually about 800 when there's too many, One of the Gameboys they use for servers must have run out of battery." Computers-Technology

#3544

The spell Czech on my computer has never failed me. Computers-Technology

#3545

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. Computers-Technology

#3546

If we all end up going to jail for downloading music, I at least hope they separate us by music genre. Computers-Technology

#3547

"I was looking inside my computer yesterday and I burnt my finger on my processor. It Mhz." Computers-Technology

#3548

Just bought a Wii fit in a sale, and lost 90 pounds instantly. Computers-Technology

#3549

"My sister warned me the other day that the police are cracking down on illegal downloads and that I should delete all my songs just in case. Yeah, if the cops seize my P.C, illegally downloaded music will be the least of my worries." Computers-Technology

#3550

"Remember days before Computers? Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano A web was a spider's home A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account A hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And if you had a 3 inch floppy... You just hoped no one ever found out!" Computers-Technology

#3551

"Windows: "You may be the victim of software counterfeiting..." Me: no Microsoft, it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I." Computers-Technology

#3552

"Why is there so much "i" everything? IPod, iPad, iPhone etc... One day my Children might grow up to think that an idea is some form of digital antelope." Computers-Technology

#3553

".' I just went for a slash and missed." Computers-Technology

#3554

"There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define 'great' he said, ''I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!'' He got a job with Microsoft, writing error messages!" Computers-Technology

#3555

"Why are Facebook status updates like a Polish builder's toolkit? All the good ones have been stolen from another site." Computers-Technology

#3556

"I'm useless with Computers! I'm such a techno-numpty! I only have to touch the things and they break! Well, not really. But you've got to lie on your CV a bit to have a chance of getting in at PC World." Computers-Technology

#3557

I'm an Apple Mac and Windows 7 was my idea. Computers-Technology

#3558

"I downloaded a 3D version of the alphabet. It's got 28 letters." Computers-Technology

#3559

"Customer: I'm running Windows Vista... Helpdesk: Yes... Customer: And my computer isn't working! Helpdesk: Yes, you already said that." Computers-Technology

#3560

Dyslexia cost me my job in IT. Turns out my boss wanted me to unzip his 'files'. Computers-Technology

#3561

NanoTechnology is gonna be huge. Computers-Technology

#3562

Silly Kodak. They should have invented a camera with a phone on it. Computers-Technology

#3563

If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0 Computers-Technology

#3564

"I saw an iMac in my workplace today. So I grabbed a marker pen and scribbled 'unt' next to the logo." Computers-Technology

#3565

"Dear URL bar, please can we agree on a number of clicks it takes to highlight the whole address? I click a few times, then click like a mad person only to miss the one time it actually got highlighted in my frenzied clicking." Computers-Technology

#3566

"I went to a party hosted by T Mobile last night. I got really drunk and kept trying to change the tunes that the DJ was playing. Not only that, but I projectile vomited all over the dance floor and started a fight that turned into a saloon style brawl involving a number of people. Whilst that was going on I sloped off in need of the toilet, dropped my pants by the buffet and shat all over the carpet. If they give me a bad reception I'm going to ruin theirs." Computers-Technology

#3567

"I own a small zoo and a pirate ship. Although not at the same time.... I don't have that much Lego." Computers-Technology

#3568

"Daniel Petric shot both his parents in the head after they took away his copy of Halo 3. Double Kill!" Computers-Technology

#3569

"It's the last time I play poker with an origami expert. All he did was fold." Computers-Technology

#3570

"Stone vs. iPhone 3G: Stone (40,000 BC)- MMS: NO Video calling: NO Video recording: NO Changeable memory cards: NO Touchscreen: NO iPhone 3G (2008)- MMS: NO Video calling: NO Video recording: NO Changeable memory cards: NO Touchscreen: YES" Computers-Technology

#3571

"Video games are ruining my life. Luckily, I still have two left." Computers-Technology

#3572

I love call of duty. I don't play the game myself but it means that there are a lot more bored girlfriends out there looking to get laid. Computers-Technology

#3573

Cancer - Loves the jobs you hate. Computers-Technology

#3574

Well I've just got my new iPhone4 and so far I haven't had any problems with the recap Computers-Technology

#3575

People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots. That would be stereotyping. Computers-Technology

#3576

"I offered my computer a sandwich today. It took a Megabyte." Computers-Technology

#3577

Microsoft users have been proven right for once. They always said Steve Jobs couldn't build a computer to save his life. Computers-Technology

#3578

Now that most Computers have touchscreens, websites should make their advertising links look like smudges. Computers-Technology

#3579

"Today is the 30th birthday of the ZX Spectrum. I'll look in on mine later; that first game might have loaded by now." Computers-Technology

#3580

"I had a spider on my keyboard. I have it under Ctrl." Computers-Technology

#3581

"Why did Mr. Ohm marry Mrs. Ohm? Because he couldn't resistor." Computers-Technology

#3582

"New iPhone 4S bug - screen displaying yellowish tint. Similar to Steve Jobs a few weeks ago then." Computers-Technology

#3583

I'm Wikipedia, and Windows were actually the Romans' idea. Computers-Technology

#3584

"I bought a great new holder for my apple and blackberry it's called a fruit bowl" Computers-Technology

#3585

"Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they'd broken one of my keyboard keys. I order hitch one." Computers-Technology

#3586

"I just created a new computer virus that only targets Apple. It's a worm." Computers-Technology

#3587

"I'm currently off work with a slipped disk. I mean, I accidentally slipped my Call of Duty disk into my Xbox." Computers-Technology

#3588

Words cannot describe how much I absolutely have predictive text. Computers-Technology

#3589

Spreadsheets: That's where I really Excel. Computers-Technology

#3590

You know you're a geek when you try to shoo a fly away from your monitor with your mouse cursor. Computers-Technology

#3591

"Apparently the average PC crashes 3 times a year. It must cost the Police a fortune in replacement cars." Computers-Technology

#3592

"My mate keeps raving on about how amazing his new iPad is. He even got me to draw a picture on his new Art app so I could see how responsive it is. It wasn't easy. My felt tip pen just wiped clean off. In the end I had to scratch it on with a paperclip." Computers-Technology

#3593

"I was on I-tunes downloading some I-songs onto my i-phone the other I-day, when it suddenly occurred to me I'm a balding, middle age man having a nervous breakdown trying to be cool." Computers-Technology

#3594

IPhone................. Oh no I don't Computers-Technology

#3595

Will the 'I' phenomenon ever stop? Now there's even a hurricane called an Irene Computers-Technology

#3596

"A question for the older guys who remember Punk... When you go into your "Start menu properties" in windows and see the option "Lock The Taskbar" do you spend the next half an hour singing Clash tunes?" Computers-Technology

#3597

"A man praised the iPhone 4 today as he managed to survive freak earthquakes and tsunamis by looking at survival apps. Though he did add "although it was a bit annoying that I couldn't just call for help"" Computers-Technology

#3598

"Customer: I would like to purchase Windows Vista. Helpdesk: No problem, em. Which one would you like? Customer: What is there? Helpdesk: Vista Home basic, Vista Home Basic upgrade, Vista Home Premium, Vista Home Premium Upgrade, Vista Business full version or the upgrade, Vista Enterprise or Enterprise Upgrade, Vista 32 bit or 64 bit for System builders, Vista Ultimate Limited numbered signature edition. Customer: whoa! Which one do you recommend? Helpdesk: Mac os x." Computers-Technology

#3599

"Just filmed a video about how you can get a better service than O2. It's called 2 Cups, 1 String." Computers-Technology

#3600

IPad: The iPod Touch for fat people's fingers. Computers-Technology

#3601

"Want to make a simple phone call? Sorry, there isn't an app for that." Computers-Technology

#3602

"Apple's next overpriced & unnecessary product will be dedicated to those people who stand in queues for hours just to get one... It's called the iDiot." Computers-Technology

#3603

"My iPod wouldn't connect to iTunes earlier. Left me with a horrible syncing feeling" Computers-Technology

#3604

"If I leave my computer for a while, a picture of Sean Connery holding a razor comes on. It's my screen saver." Computers-Technology

#3605

"Computer geeks. Hacking servers since 1989. The only box they'll ever penetrate." Computers-Technology

#3606

I've always wondered what would happen if i deleted my recycle bin... Computers-Technology

#3607

"My girlfriend is an idiot. She says I play my Xbox too much because I named my headset; 'Mike'." Computers-Technology

#3608

Great, my book ran out of batteries. Stupid future Computers-Technology

#3609

"What do submarines and Microsoft have in common? Try opening a Window." Computers-Technology

#3610

"Yes Apple, what I really wanted was a heavier, bigger version of my iPod, too big to fit in my pocket, so that whenever I want to change tracks I have to open a briefcase, which I must carry around all day every day. Thanks" Computers-Technology

#3611

Am I the only one who thinks it's funny that the new black Nintendo Wii needs a white controller to make it work? Computers-Technology

#3612

"The new Microsoft Windows adverts talk about "life without walls". Frankly I'm not surprised - walls provide the most basic form of security." Computers-Technology

#3613

A router goes into a doctor's office and says, "It hurts when IP." Computers-Technology

#3614

"The other day I was at my PC and I had a brain wave. So I emailed Microsoft, and the new Windows 7 now has a spell checker. I'm Gordon Brown, and Windows 7 Was my idea." Computers-Technology

#3615

"I see Apple are supposedly releasing an iPhone Mini, I'm just waiting for the iPhone shuffle that calls random people." Computers-Technology

#3616

Having just released the iPad in the UK, Apple have announced the future release of the iPad Nano: an iPad that will fit in your pocket and complete with a phone function. Computers-Technology

#3617

"The games box said, "Needs Windows Vista, XP, or better". So I installed Linux." Computers-Technology

#3618

Window popped up saying: 'Adobe reader is insecure....' WTF does it want ....... a cuddle? Computers-Technology

#3619

CPR - the human equivalent of CTRL ALT DELETE Computers-Technology

#3620

"Has predictive texting had a negative effect on standards of grammar? Defiantly." Computers-Technology

#3621

"I experienced an unexpected error on my iPhone today. It let me make a call." Computers-Technology

#3622

Apple are working on an electronic seeing device for the Navy, it's called the I Eye Captain. Computers-Technology

#3623

"The iPad 2 has loads of great new features, but it's the two built in cameras that really set it apart. They're just perfect for taking pictures of the now obsolete iPad I bought 3 months ago so I can put it on eBay." Computers-Technology

#3624

"Clearing the history Keeping your wife and kids oblivious to your fetishes since windows 95." Computers-Technology

#3625

"I'm using the mouse with my left hand for a change. It feels like someone else is doing it." Computers-Technology

#3626

"I hope Apple have fixed that iPhone alarm bug. I've got to be up early on Monday." Computers-Technology

#3627

"3, 95, NT, 98, ME, XP, Vista and 7. Windows consequential listing doesn't seem to be working." Computers-Technology

#3628

Apple have just announced that in order to increase sales of the new iPhone in America they're re-branding it the pie phone. Computers-Technology

#3629

"No friends? There's an app for that." Computers-Technology

#3630

"And then there was the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin: Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself. The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be. And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now...."" Computers-Technology

#3631

"Apple has released a new app that allows iPhone users to greet each other. It's called the I Five." Computers-Technology

#3632

If you want to find a plane that's crashed into the sea - there's not an app for that. Unlucky Computers-Technology

#3633

"Here's some Advice - don't open Windows Speech Recognition and Daft Punk's 'Technologic' on your computer at the same time. I'm still sorting out the mess 2 weeks later." Computers-Technology

#3634

I don't like jokes about pointlessly small memory sticks one bit. Computers-Technology

#3635

"I'm sick of these pop-ups Windows keeps putting on my computer saying that my copy isn't genuine. Don't you think I knew that when I downloaded it illegally?" Computers-Technology

#3636

"If you want to tell all of your friends, Family and colleagues that you're socially inept, attention seeking, and a mindless zombie slave to the commercials and hype of one of the seemingly most popular corporations on the planet.... ..There's an app for that." Computers-Technology

#3637

Anybody else notice that they sit on the toilet 10 minutes after they're done because they're busy playing on their iPhones? Computers-Technology

#3638

"My girlfriend's IPod Touch just came. Apparently, there's an App for everything." Computers-Technology

#3639

I don't think I got the job at Microsoft....They haven't responded to my telegram. Computers-Technology

#3640

"I traded in my iPhone today for something useful. A life." Computers-Technology

#3641

When Apple update the software on one of their products do they call it an I Patch? Computers-Technology

#3642

"So I hear the PS3 network was hacked and the online mode is shut down. Well CoD players, this is what the sun looks like!" Computers-Technology

#3643

"Elderly couples. Just remember those 3 special words that still hold you together, the 3 special words that you have used through thick and thin. Just remember those 3 special words... "Delete Browsing History"" Computers-Technology

#3644

"I'm a government agent responsible for the snooping of ordinary citizens' computer and internet habits by the state. And Windows 7 was my idea." Computers-Technology

#3645

"To be fair, 60p is not so expensive when you stop and think about it. You can send a letter to anywhere in Britain and it will only take two or three days to arrive there. I mean, it's not as if you can do that on your computer.....for free.....in seconds." Computers-Technology

#3646

"So, to cut a long story short, it turns out that according to Microsoft's Legal Department, Windows 7 wasn't my idea..." Computers-Technology

#3647

"I don't get along with people who have X-Box's We just don't Kinect." Computers-Technology

#3648

"I feel bad searching for a new laptop on my current one. It's like telling your wife of many years to find you a sleek, younger version of herself that offers a better all-round performance." Computers-Technology

#3649

"I've yet to see Adobe Acrobat do any tricks. I'm very disappointed." Computers-Technology

#3650

Failure is not an option,... it comes standard with Windows. Computers-Technology

#3651

"On a scale of 1 to 10.... ... How much binary do you use?" Computers-Technology

#3652

"I went for a job at PC World today out of desperation. The interviewer said, "What do you know about Computers?" I said, "Not much - I can just about switch them on and off, ha ha!" I didn't get the job - overqualified." Computers-Technology

#3653

"An Italian engineer has been kidnapped in Nigeria. Demands have been sent via email to his Family, but they were just marked as spam." Computers-Technology

#3654

"Our local vicar insists on giving sermons with the aid of his computer. We end up sitting in church for hours because he's so slow. I think we need a new service provider." Computers-Technology

#3655

"Today, I was looking for my iPod. When I found it, the first song to come on shuffle was 'You Found Me' by The Fray. Well played iPod, well played." Computers-Technology

#3656

Does anyone else here think that it's too much of a coincidence that Windows 8 is set to be launched in 2012? Computers-Technology

#3657

I've just been fixing my sons computer when I got a shock off the processor. It mega Hz. Computers-Technology

#3658

"My new girlfriend was not at all impressed when she saw my fourteen incher. I suppose it is a rather small television." Computers-Technology

#3659

"My computer keeps crashing. Must be the driver." Computers-Technology

#3660

Hi, I'm a woman, so Windows 7 couldn't possibly have been my idea. Computers-Technology

#3661

Auto correct can go to he'll. Computers-Technology

#3662

If Windows 7 was my idea, why do I have to pay for it? Computers-Technology

#3663

"My mate told me he can touch type "sixty words per minute." But he has to type every other phrase normally." Computers-Technology

#3664

"So, today Wikipedia is blocking access to free information in protest against the blocking of access to free information? God bless America." Computers-Technology

#3665

A computer geek comes back to hotel reception with the key from room 404 and says: 'Room not found'. Computers-Technology

#3666

"I think Steve Jobs was asking for it in truth. With the amazing GPS feature on the iPhone 4, it wasn't going to take the grim reaper much effort to find him." Computers-Technology

#3667

"Why do people buy Apple Macs? They keep on breaking Windows." Computers-Technology

#3668

After careful consideration I've decided I'm giving up using autocorrect on my iPhone for Kent. Computers-Technology

#3669

""Intel launches tablet processor". Now we even have a PC term for drug dealer." Computers-Technology

#3670

"My wife said to me "Would you run into a burning building to save me?" "Of course I would" I replied. "The batteries for my Xbox aren't going to find themselves"" Computers-Technology

#3671

"I bought a smArt phone the other day. It was wearing a tuxedo and a bow tie." Computers-Technology

#3672

"Ctrl + B that's a bold move." Computers-Technology

#3673

""I'm a PC and I'm eight-and-a-half years old." I didn't find Microsoft's new ad too clear. I always thought a PC was a 'personal computer', not a 'provocative child'?" Computers-Technology

#3674

"I recently made a car out of windows. But it crashed." Computers-Technology

#3675

Apple will now offer a free iPhone case for all iPhone users. It's not going to help reception, but it protects the iPhone after you throw it against the wall. Computers-Technology

#3676

My PC is so slow this morning, I swear if it had a tongue it would lick the screen. Computers-Technology

#3677

"A local Apple store was burgled for over 10k of merchandise. Police remain hopeful they can find and return both Computers." Computers-Technology

#3678

I hate my iPhone always auto correcting my swear words...piece of shut. Computers-Technology

#3679

"How do you change your phone to a jukebox? Phone Virgin Media's help line" Computers-Technology

#3680

Understanding abbreviations - there's an app for that. Computers-Technology

#3681

I'm dating a hacker. She keeps sending me raunchy pictures of myself. Computers-Technology

#3682

"Sitting here, playing FIFA 11, before the night of the exam that will decide my entire future. I just can't help but not feeling ashamed with myself... I really should have bought FIFA 12 by now." Computers-Technology

#3683

As my plane flew through the clouds, I started to get nervous. What if we hit all that data people are storing up here now? Computers-Technology

#3684

"So, the new Microsoft adverts shows a man using the 'In Private' mode to search for jewelry. All you cynical people out there thinking that it would never be used this way. In fact, I spent much of the day looking for pearl necklaces...." Computers-Technology

#3685

"Wish my friends were more like 'Google'. It never judges me, no matter what I ask it to do." Computers-Technology

#3686

"So the iPad is out in the UK now great! If only there was a more dense version that I could put in my pocket and take it with me everywhere I go." Computers-Technology

#3687

"I have just lost my job as a Spiderman impersonator. At least I have my skills as a web developer to fall back on." Computers-Technology

#3688

"I can hack into any computer. All I need is an axe." Computers-Technology

#3689

"IT support: "Did you try turning it off and on again?" "It's half-way successful." "What do you mean?" "It won't turn on again!"" Computers-Technology

#3690

"Technology these days, eh? The latest bit of kit my grandma got was acting up earlier and making weird noises, so I tried the good old 'turning it on and off again' method, and when that didn't work, I decided to open the plug up with a bread knife, to check the fuse. I almost had the plug open too, until doctors wrestled me away from the life support machine." Computers-Technology

#3691

"My computer froze the other day. That's why I've just bought it some mittens and a woolly hat." Computers-Technology

#3692

"The other day, my mate asked me what I thought of Internet Message boards... I said I'm all Forum" Computers-Technology

#3693

"I was surprised when I read that it is predicted that Americans will spend $1.8 billion on mobile devices in 2015, and decided that those figures can't be correct... I'm sure apple will sell more than 4 iPhones." Computers-Technology

#3694

"I found my old Nokia 3310 in a drawer today. It brought back so many fond memories of all the cool features it had, that you just don't get on phones these days. Like Snake, polyphonic ringtones, and reception." Computers-Technology

#3695

TomTom GPS - The only way to receive orders from a women. Computers-Technology

#3696

"Daughter- iPod. Son- iPhone. Mom- iPad. Dad- I Pay!" Computers-Technology

#3697

"My Dad had just come back from America, I met him at the airport and he said, "I picked you this up from the plane, it's one of them iPads" I was amazed and so happy, until he handed me a bag and said, "you know they go over your eyes and help you sleep"" Computers-Technology

#3698

I'm not saying my Sat Nav isn't up to date but when I took my car on the cross channel ferry it kept warning- "Here there be monsters". Computers-Technology

#3699

"What does the new iPad and my 2 day old son have in common. The both failed a drop test." Computers-Technology

#3700

"My friend recommended I install Windows on my computer to make it run faster. I tried but it doesn't seem faster. Well at least now I can see right through It." Computers-Technology

#3701

My phone kept trying to sell me useless duty free watches, perfume and Toblerone. Turns out I had it on airplane mode. Computers-Technology

#3702

"I run a Linux based operating system. That means I get laid as often as I have to reboot my computer." Computers-Technology

#3703

I just figured out what scroll lock does. You see that light by caps lock? Well, it turns on when you press it! Computers-Technology

#3704

"Windows 7 good for virus blocking history deleting and you can use it easily with one hand what are they expecting of us?" Computers-Technology

#3705

"I only wanted Adobe to be able to open pdfs. I had no idea they wanted a relationship. They won't stop emailing me." Computers-Technology

#3706

"I just got a Samsung Galaxy. So much smoother than the LG Chocolate." Computers-Technology

#3707

"My mate works at an aquarium. The screensaver on his laptop is people walking around an office filing stuff." Computers-Technology

#3708

I had Windows M.E but I couldn't be bothered to use it... Computers-Technology

#3709

"What do you get when you cross an encyclopedia with a homeless person? A personal appeal from Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales" Computers-Technology

#3710

"I heard Apple are introducing a new product specifically for cats and dogs. It's called iAms." Computers-Technology

#3711

"My smArtphone got me into trouble yesterday. I was at my daughter's playgroup when one of the mums said: "What's that in your pocket?" "I have a Desire." was probably not the best response. Nor was showing them the Red Tube app. And my list of favourites." Computers-Technology

#3712

"Nintendo managers have had a terrible year. They haven't picked up enough coins, therefore will not get their bonus." Computers-Technology

#3713

"So there is a huge power cut across India, over 300 million people affected directly... Are they including those of us who can't call for tech support?" Computers-Technology

#3714

"My laptop stopped working when I left it in direct sunlight I blame windows" Computers-Technology

#3715

""Volt gun disguised as Nokia phone delivers 1.2million volts" Can't be as shocking as an iPhone reception" Computers-Technology

#3716

"Got lost in the woods earlier. Thank god I had my smArtphone. I would have been well bored waiting 11 hours for someone to walk past and find me without the internet." Computers-Technology

#3717

3DHD TV - For fat nerds who believe they can see the Difference. Computers-Technology

#3718

IPhone user: "... by the way if my phone cuts off it's because I've run out of battery. I've only got 84% left." Computers-Technology

#3719

"I told my daughter I would buy her the new Apple product for her birthday. iLied." Computers-Technology

#3720

There's a new iPhone Karaoke app. Apple have finally created the most annoying person to ever sit next to you on a train. Computers-Technology

#3721

My granddad doesn't do well with Technology. I bought him a digital frame and now he's starting to think he has Alzheimer's. Computers-Technology

#3722

"I created an amazing new iPad app that would instantly turn its user into a pretentious douche. Apple rejected it, saying it duplicated core functionality." Computers-Technology

#3723

"I've invented a new phone called the 'Eye Phone'. It can only store one contact." Computers-Technology

#3724

The win has definitely been put back into windows Computers-Technology

#3725

"Today I played Snooker with a friend but he was useless. Wouldn't even let me put chalk on his head." Computers-Technology

#3726

"Sarah, I don't write on your Facebook wall so you can comment on it. I write on your wall so you will write back on mine and make me seem more popular. Work with me here. Mark" Computers-Technology

#3727

"Has anyone seen the interactive 'stop knife crime' advert at the bottom left corner of the Windows Live Messenger contacts page, where you can pick up the knife by scrolling over the picture? The hand is black. surprise surprise..." Computers-Technology

#3728

I was telling my parents all about my project to build my own computer the other day. I went into lots of detail about all the different parts and components and my dad was really interested, but it just made my motherboard. Computers-Technology

#3729

I don't see all the fuss, people in Ballymena reckon they've already had iPads for several years now. Computers-Technology

#3730

I have put an Apple in a Bap. That's how I Roll Computers-Technology

#3731

Apple are to rebrand their iPhone 4 as an "iPad Mini" after Trade Descriptions took issue with the "phone" element of the current name. Computers-Technology

#3732

""Computer says Nooo" Unless you have windows Vista, in which case it says "Not responding"" Computers-Technology

#3733

"I was watching the gadget show on Dave the other day. I must say I'm looking forward to the PlayStation 3 but I'm skeptical about this touchscreen Technology the keep going on about!" Computers-Technology

#3734

"IPhone users: todays the day you get to upgrade to version 3.0! You finally get to copy & paste from sick & use up your free texts on your one & only friend!" Computers-Technology

#3735

"Been working like a Trojan all day. Went through everyone's computer at work." Computers-Technology

#3736

"When the old Windows stopped working the "blue screen of death" appeared. Windows spotted the problem, and with new Windows 7 it turns black." Computers-Technology

#3737

"News: 'Shot Policeman Is Critical'. Perhaps he should go and see my mate Tony, he can fix any PC for just 50." Computers-Technology

#3738

PC world have just announced that due to a sudden rush of orders, F5 keys for PCs will be out of stock until mid-July when the next shipment is due to arrive from China. Computers-Technology

#3739

You know you spend too much time on your computer when you type com after every full stop.com Computers-Technology

#3740

According to those in the know, the new iPhone's camera is so snazzy, it actually filters out poor people ... Computers-Technology

#3741

"I've made a bid to take over e-bay. I won't know anything for 4 days 17 hours." Computers-Technology

#3742

A while ago in history we were talking about technological advances. Someone brought up the fact that kids as young as 4 are getting things like iPhone. My teacher replied "good god they can't even count!". Another student quickly replied "there's an app for that". Computers-Technology

#3743

"So I was in my bedroom using my laptop and I thought "How about I resell my previous product with a different name?" I'm a PC and Windows 7 was my idea..." Computers-Technology

#3744

I'm Windows 7, and the T-600 was my idea. Computers-Technology

#3745

"I finally found a cure for my insomnia this morning. I just sat outside the Apple store for half an hour counting sheep." Computers-Technology

#3746

Isn't it funny how 'fat' on predictive text comes up as 'eat'? Computers-Technology

#3747

Students arrested for hacking Call of Duty? Should have had Scrambler Pro. Computers-Technology

#3748

"My mate told me that he reckoned he played over 150 hours of online games a week, "Wow!" I replied He then said: "No, run escape."" Computers-Technology

#3749
Apples response to numerous complaints: The iPology Computers-Technology

#3750

"Did you know that the Bluetooth mobile headset was invented by a German man? Hans Free." Computers-Technology

#3751

"They say the Kindle Fire is the first tablet that allows you to communicate with the cloud. I found I was able to communicate with both clouds and rainbows using LSD." Computers-Technology

#3752

"A hypersonic jet is being developed in America. The good news is it will be able to fly from America to the UK in one hour. The bad news is it'll be full of Yanks" Computers-Technology

#3753

""Microsoft launch Windows 7 mobile" I'm glad that wasn't my idea." Computers-Technology

#3754

We all know who to blame if Windows 7 fails Computers-Technology

#3755

What's does the new iPhone 4.0 and me have in common? We both get a terrible reception when we get turned on at funerals. Computers-Technology

#3756

Apple are the only company that would make a device that needs gloves to hold it so it works properly, but if you wear gloves you can't use it properly. Computers-Technology

#3757

"I had trouble getting onto my website earlier so I called my mate who was an IT technician. "Have you tried disabling cookies?" he said. "Well I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man..."" Computers-Technology

#3758

"Tech support: What version of windows do you have installed? Me: Double glazed." Computers-Technology

#3759

"An experienced motor vehicle mechanic is instructing an apprentice in the basic principles of the trade: "Now, open the bonnet and look inside. Adopt a puzzled expression and shake your head slowly ..."" Computers-Technology

#3760

I live in constant fear that one of my applications will suddenly test me on the Terms & Conditions I claim to have read. Computers-Technology

#3761

Some sources say that over 80% of desktop Computers are infected with a virus called Windows. Computers-Technology

#3762

"I just don't understand, when I put an ad in the newspaper about meeting hot, single girls in my area, there's absolutely no reply. But as soon as I go online, there's absolutely hundreds that are ready for me to meet them? I just don't get it." Computers-Technology

#3763

"There's only one reason I use in private browsing and I think a lot of men do the same..... By surprising your wife with an expensive necklace from the jewelers." Computers-Technology

#3764

You know your computer is a Vista when your problem solver needs to be problem solved. Computers-Technology

#3765

"Apparently the Sickipedia iPhone app will soon be updated to allow iPhone users to login, vote and add Jokes. I hope they remember to add that little "Posted via my iPhone" For no particular reason of course." Computers-Technology

#3766

"My wife is leaving me because apparently I'm not 'man enough'. Well at least now, I will get my turn on the PlayStation." Computers-Technology

#3767

"Barack Obama, David Cameron and Bill Gates are called to a meeting by God about the future. "I have given you the chance to help change the world and you have failed, tell your people the world will end in 2 weeks" God announced. Barack Obama said, "I have good news and bad news, the good news is God exists but the bad news is we will die in 2 weeks". David Cameron said, "I have bad news and really bad news, the bad news is God is angry and the really bad news is he will destroy us in 2 weeks" Bill Gates said, "I have good news and great news, the good news is that God thinks I am one of the most powerful men in the world, the great news is we don't have to fix the new windows bug"" Computers-Technology

#3768

"I see Sickipedia is being condemned in the news again for users posting Jokes about Liam Gill hours after his death. Even the media is complaining about database latency now." Computers-Technology

#3769

My new iPhone's kinda like my girlfriend... I use it, then lock it away in a box. Computers-Technology

#3770

"Just been banned from Xbox live. Apparently when playing Jewish people it's against the rules to start shouting in German and to only use smoke grenades." Computers-Technology

#3771

"I and my mates are starting an AC/DC tribute band. We're gonna be called the Half Wave Rectifiers." Computers-Technology

#3772

Bebo has been shut down. Tens of people will miss it. Computers-Technology

#3773

"A US soldier kills and injures troops at an American military base. I guess the wait for Modern Warfare 2 was a little too much." Computers-Technology

#3774

"I'm not bill gates. And windows 8, 9, and 10 are my idea. Up yours Microsoft, see you in court." Computers-Technology

#3775

"I don't know why I used to be scared of Computers. It's not like they byte." Computers-Technology

#3776

"The iPad 2 is a vast improvement on the original. Now you can't play Flash based content twice as fast as before." Computers-Technology

#3777

"Want to ruin a good thing by overpopulating it with old or recycled jokes posted by newcomers? There's an app for that." Computers-Technology

#3778

Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. We launch a bird into pigs. Computers-Technology

#3779

"Three days ago my girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. 'Easy' I replied. 'Sky rim. It's what everyone is talking about.' Now three days later, as I'm bent over a plane toilet in a tiny cubicle, 20,00ft in the air, I can't help but feel I should have elaborated a bit more..." Computers-Technology

#3780

I like my women like I like my HTML... accessible and compliant Computers-Technology

#3781

"I was debating the colour I'll have on my new computer. If I get white, it will work harder. But if I get black, it will run faster..." Computers-Technology

#3782

"I've just bought a new Dell laptop... When I switch it on it calls me a 'Plonker'." Computers-Technology

#3783

I wonder if 60 years from now, robots will go to nightclubs and get a huge kick out of doing "The Human". Computers-Technology

#3784

"News Headline: "US Air Force combines 1,760 PlayStation 3 consoles to create super computer" ...another thing you can't do on an Xbox." Computers-Technology

#3785

Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicking over who's going to be deleted. Computers-Technology

#3786

"400 miles away from Rio de Janeiro over the Atlantic Ocean with a major electrical on board failure? Sorry, there really isn't an app for that. Best regards iPhone Software Development Team" Computers-Technology

#3787

When I first met my wife it wasn't exactly love at first sight... Neither of us had a webcam. Computers-Technology

#3788

"Sickipedia stand-up night. Isn't that gonna make it uncomfortable for everyone to reach their keyboards?" Computers-Technology

#3789

Am I the only person who didn't come up with the idea of Windows 7? Computers-Technology

#3790

"Please make sure your fingers are aligned to the keyboard correctly whilst talking to prospective employers. You don't want to be telling them about your previous HIV" Computers-Technology

#3791

"Apparently R1 + L1 + quArter circle on the right stick is the right combination to get a girls bra off, thank you Heavy Rain However this also rips eyes from Cyclops so this could lead to potentially terrible dates, or worrying encounters with Cyclops'." Computers-Technology

#3792

"There are only 49 achievements on Halo 3 they say the 50th is having your girlfriend dump you" Computers-Technology

#3793

"I'm a PC, and Windows 7 was my idea... So I'm suing them." Computers-Technology

#3794

"I just bought the Swiss version of Call of Duty. It's strange, I can only do the training mission..." Computers-Technology

#3795

I'm an idiot and installing Windows 7 on my computer was my idea... Computers-Technology

#3796

"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a Trojan horse in your PC." Computers-Technology

#3797

"The Nokia N8. What will you do with it? Use it as a phone maybe?" Computers-Technology

#3798

"A system administrator has only two problems... Dumb Users and SmArt Users" Computers-Technology

#3799

"After 15 pints my standards drop and I end up doing internet searches for ugly women. Beer Google's eh." Computers-Technology

#3800

"Apparently Sky rim was getting rather popular in South East Asia, It was, however, until it took an arrow Indonesia." Computers-Technology

#3801

"I've just found a hardcore fetish website exclusively for people who like fatties, ugliest and gingers! datingdirect.com" Computers-Technology

#3802

Some guys tried to steal my iPod touch off of me last night. Thankfully they left me alone after I told them it was an iPhone. Computers-Technology

#3803

"I've seen the leaked Scarlett Johansson nude photos, and honestly, I'm disgusted. A measly 2 megapixels, in this day and age?" Computers-Technology

#3804

"Video Game Developer Award. Even if you're a winner, you're still a loser." Computers-Technology

#3805

"My mate's computer stores too many cookies. It must be a Dell." Computers-Technology

#3806

I've been dating a robot girlfriend, on and off Computers-Technology

#3807

Yes windows, because I will be using that feature to hide 'buying my wife an engagement ring' Computers-Technology

#3808

"I have a blackberry and an apple, both on orange. Amazing fruit balancing skills don't you think?" Computers-Technology

#3809

"Apple are to release a new logo which "accurately describes their relationship with their customers". It's called the icon." Computers-Technology

#3810

"Twitter; The only Bird I'm going to tell about my day." Computers-Technology

#3811

"My wife said that she wants to spend some quality time with me tonight. So I'm going to have my Xbox headset on mute this evening." Computers-Technology

#3812

"Madeira: Current death toll of raging torrent rises to 42. I don't see why they didn't just use Pirate Bay." Computers-Technology

#3813

"I've just doubled the efficiency and trebled the capacity of my laptop. I deleted Windows." Computers-Technology

#3814

"Just bought CoD: North Korean Edition Even when I lose, it still says I won." Computers-Technology

#3815

"I don't know why all these gamers are in the news, moaning about PS3 and now Nintendo being hacked. Back in the day I once hacked my ZX Spectrum, and got infinite lives on Chuckie Egg. It was awesome." Computers-Technology

#3816

"Surfing the internet without a decent antivirus is like walking through a black neighborhood wearing a Klan mask. Believe me, I tried both." Computers-Technology

#3817

"Twitter; Making it easier than ever to stalk and kill Z list celebrities." Computers-Technology

#3818

"This girl my friend knows (we'll call her the dog sitter) was looking after a dog for another friend while she was on holiday. During this period the dog unfortunately died. The dog sitter phoned the vets and informed them and asked what to do. They told her to bring the dog in to the vets. The vets was fairly far away in Liverpool Street, London. And the dog sitter doesn't drive. She looked round the house for something to put the dog in and ended up choosing a suitcase! She then headed on to the underground with the dead dog in the suitcase. When finally arriving at Liverpool Street station trying to get this bag up the stairs she was offered some help. The guy was surprised how heavy it was and asked what was inside... She just said bits from unit, laptops, jewelry etc. When they got to the top of the stairs he ran off with the suitcase!" Computers-Technology

#3819

"Good looks, success, charm, wit, youth, charisma. For everyone else, there's 'MasterCard'" Computers-Technology

#3820

Why pay the normal price for a computer, when you can pay twice as much and get a picture of an apple on it? Computers-Technology

#3821

I'm still a virgin by choice, so I can play World of Warcraft. Computers-Technology

#3822

"Study: Half of all seniors now use the internet. I read that when my gran sent the entire story to me in the subject line of an email." Computers-Technology

#3823

"Language is a constantly evolving thing. For instance, the sentence "Omg, they have an fml app! wtf?" did not exist a year ago. In reality, it probably shouldn't exist now either." Computers-Technology

#3824

"I sent an error report. Windows 7 was my idea." Computers-Technology

#3825

I heard about a new game coming out on the 9th of November, I think it's called 'African-American Ops'. Computers-Technology

#3826

If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people roaming the streets shoving pictures in people's faces screaming "Do you like this?! DO YOU?!" Computers-Technology

#3827

"O'Sullivan keeps losing at his own snooker app... The iRonnie." Computers-Technology

#3828

I just checked the clock but it said 4:04 'Time not found' Computers-Technology

#3829

"My wife has an iPhone, my daughter has an iPod, my son has an iPad and me... iPad." Computers-Technology

#3830

"Sky News: Briton 'Ran Social Nework Site for Paedos' Or "Sickipedia," as we like to call it" Computers-Technology

#3831

"Kinect for Xbox 360. Because real Exercise just isn't virtual enough" Computers-Technology

#3832

"So the faulty I-phone 4 model is being recalled. I was unaware anyone had managed to call one in the first place." Computers-Technology

#3833

Next time I'm on a job interview and they ask my accomplishments, I'm going to say "don't know if you know this, but Windows 7 was my idea". Computers-Technology

#3834

"A friend and I were discussing how much Technology was advancing these days when he said "Soon we'll be downloading water from the tap". "Well it's already in sync" I replied." Computers-Technology

#3835

You know it's bad when even spellcheck doesn't have a suggestion Computers-Technology

#3836

"My brother refuses to work these days. I should get a new printer." Computers-Technology

#3837

Just ate a virtual pizza, finished it in 4 Bytes. Computers-Technology

#3838

Tom-Tom have thought of everything. Not only is there a map showing you which way to go, but there are also voice directions so that blind drivers know which way to go. Especially the ones in BMW's. Computers-Technology

#3839

I thought I was sick making jokes about the Ethiopian aero plane, but then the Sickipedia website comes along and trumps me by doing an impression of it. Computers-Technology

#3840

I always feel like I'm getting tested for STDs when I run a virus scan on my computer. Computers-Technology

#3841

"I helped the guy next door set up his new wireless broadband yesterday - he hasn't got a clue about Computers. It's really quick though, we're both pleased with it." Computers-Technology

#3842

"Just bought one of those cheap knock off iPhones from a site in china for 100 quid. Don't care what you say the Samsung galaxy looks alright." Computers-Technology

#3843

"To be honest, I can't see why everyone's so surprised. When was the last thing anything with "black" in it worked?" Computers-Technology

#3844

I bet Gaddafi regrets allowing his iPhone to use his current location. Computers-Technology

#3845

"My wife thinks that I've become a computer nerd and we've got nothing in common. I need to diagnose our connection problem." Computers-Technology

#3846

"It's my 30th birthday tomorrow. I'm completely unknown and have never accomplished anything. I have no job and no prospects. Looking forward to seeing what Google has planned for me though." Computers-Technology

#3847

"A Chinese teenager sold a kidney to buy an iPad2. Sounds like a bargain they usually cost an arm and a leg" Computers-Technology

#3848

"Wikipedia has a fantastic business model. They fool people into donating money claiming to help keep the site free." Computers-Technology

#3849

"I like my women like I like my Xbox. Dead with a red ring." Computers-Technology

#3850

Governments that try to censor the Internet are SO Pathetic. Computers-Technology

#3851

When IT technicians get married, instead of saying 'I do' they say 'I accept the Terms & Conditions'. Computers-Technology

#3852

Tumbler - A website for teenage girls to express their individuality and uniqueness by posting things that other people have created, also posted by thousands of other teenage girls. Computers-Technology

#3853

Sickipedia, bringing you 20 world cup jokes followed by an off-topic joke from a ginger. Computers-Technology

#3854

"IPhone 4: This Changes Everything. Again. I think i liked it better when i could actually make a call" Computers-Technology

#3855

They have internet on Computers now? Computers-Technology

#3856

"BBC NEWS: Chinese teenager 'sells kidney to buy iPad and iPhone' .... Daft bastered he should have just done a survey!" Computers-Technology

#3857

RIP Mega video. We will mourn you for 72 minutes, wait 30 minutes, and then mourn you again. Computers-Technology

#3858

""Coronation Street star Bill Roaches: I've slept with 1000 women" I don't find that so amazing. I'm more surprised that he knows binary." Computers-Technology

#3859

"My girlfriend tried an IPad at weekend. Said it wouldn't fit in her knickers properly. I've told her to stick to tampax in future." Computers-Technology

#3860

Have you ever stepped on an oscillator? It hurts. Computers-Technology

#3861

"I came home from work today and my wife said, "I think I've exceeded my bandwidth." "Don't worry love," I replied, "I'll buy you a larger skirt tomorrow."" Computers-Technology

#3862

You know you're old when an etch-a-sketch is easier to use than an iPad. Computers-Technology

#3863

"Notice how there is no option in the relationship box for "happily married" on Facebook-edit- Notice how there is no Facebook." Computers-Technology

#3864

"PlayStation move A wii remote with a purple bell end" Computers-Technology

#3865

"Mobile internet - Trebling the time of toilet breaks at work since 2004." Computers-Technology

#3866

A Swedish comedian just made fun out of Steve Jobs, saying that he was going to have an interactive tombstone called die Pad. Computers-Technology

#3867

The battery on my new iPhone 4S is just ter.... Computers-Technology

#3868

"I bought a robotic chauffeur who runs entirely on Windows. He's a software driver." Computers-Technology

#3869

"I've just bought a new hard drive for my computer, but I've come to realize that the instruction manuals are getting more and more complicated nowadays. I mean, I just don't know that many languages." Computers-Technology

#3870

Breaking News!!! Manchester City release new web browser that claims to be the safest in the world........ Having no history to delete at all. Computers-Technology

#3871

What did one O2 customer say to the other? Nothing Computers-Technology

#3872

"This year saw Apple Inc. become the richest company in the world. It is rumored that they now have so much money that they can even afford to buy one of their own laptops." Computers-Technology

#3873

"What scares old people as it approaches? The Digital Switchover." Computers-Technology

#3874

A 17 year old boy in China has sold his kidney so he could get the money to buy an iPad 2. That's a high price to pay... considering the iPad was made by his 5 year old brother. Computers-Technology

#3875

The Modern day irony: The "My Music" & "My Videos" folders on your PC contain none of 'your' music or videos. Computers-Technology

#3876

We're FIFA, and no Technology was our idea! Computers-Technology

#3877

"I was messing around on the laptop earlier when the wife started tutting and moaning. "What's up with you?" I said. "You've been Tweeting away on that computer all day," she scoffed, "I've never seen the fascination with Twitter." "That'll be because your entire life isn't interesting enough to fill 140 characters." I replied." Computers-Technology

#3878

"Capitalism sucks! Sent via iPhone." Computers-Technology

#3879

"It's pretty stupid how cats will just play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new... ...Hold on, gotta check my iPhone." Computers-Technology

#3880

"I just read an Article about a school in Botswana where the teachers would savagely beat their pupils if they got an answer wrong. That's nothing! At my old school we had to use Internet Explorer." Computers-Technology

#3881

"Mark Zuckerberg turns 28 today. Winklevoss twins would like to point out that they already turned 28 first." Computers-Technology

#3882

Did it really take all that extra staff at the Nat West a whole weekend to turn the computer on & off? Computers-Technology

#3883

Conversation between a man looking round a computer shop and a salesman: Computers-Technology

#3884

"Getting the Grim Reaper on your side. There's an app for that." Computers-Technology

#3885

"The way I motivate myself for work is to set my screensaver as photos of my ex-girlfriends. I never stop working for more than 4 minutes and 59 seconds." Computers-Technology

#3886

"Sky have brought out a new version of their HD box that saves energy by going into standby mode after 12 hours. It's called a Sky Tasman Archer Box or "sleeping satellite" as the engineers like to call It." Computers-Technology

#3887

"Like many others, I have been affected badly by the O2 problems this week. It's slightly worse for me though, because I'm an astronaut." Computers-Technology

#3888

"My wife works from home on the computer and she's getting pretty fat. So the next time she left the house..... I deleted all her cookies." Computers-Technology

#3889

"I work in Tech support for a computer company, if I was a mechanic, most of the conversations would go like this. Customer: My car isn't working and I need you to fix it immediately, this is an emergency Mechanic: Alright sir what seems to be the problem? Customer: I don't know, I tried to use my car on Friday and it didn't work, now it's Monday and I need to get to work and I can't and this needs to be fixed right now. Mechanic: Can you start the car? Can you even get into your car? Does it make any sounds when you try to start it? Are all 4 tires there? Customer: I don't know, I don't know what any of that stuff means, I tried to get to work and it wouldn't let me and you need to fix it now because you changed my oil 6 months ago. Mechanic: Alright well what kind of car are you driving? Customer: I don't know, a green one why does that matter? Mechanic: Please take a look at the back of your car and see if there are any letters or numbers that would indicate a vehicle model or manufacturer Customer: Ok, my car is a SV2 87K. Mechanic: No sir that's your license plate. My records indicate that you drive a Nissan Altima, can you confirm that the key you're using to try and get into this car says Nissan on it? Customer: My key says Lexus but I don't see how that makes a Difference, I've been using this key on this car for years and it's always worked, what did you do to my car?" Computers-Technology

#3890

Every time I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons makes me think they're panicking over who's getting the chop next. Computers-Technology

#3891

"Got myself a smArtphone last week, it's brilliant. It turns itself off when the wife rings." Computers-Technology

#3892

The toughest thing about getting a new phone is teaching it all my swear words. Computers-Technology

#3893

"I just sent my Gran a dirty joke. "PMS!" she replied "Don't you mean PMSL Nan?" i asked.... "No, it's the incontinence kicking in again!"" Computers-Technology

#3894

"I just added Bigfoot as a friend on Facebook. He really needs a clearer profile picture." Computers-Technology

#3895

"I finally decided to get rid of all the people that constantly send me Farmville requests on Facebook. My wife was fuming when I blocked all 6 of her accounts." Computers-Technology

#3896

"If you want to know how much the iPhone has put you in debt, there's an app for that." Computers-Technology

#3897

""If you can see what I can see, you would have the Samsung Galaxy S"... Should have gone to Spec savers." Computers-Technology

#3898

"So I was lying in bed with my girlfriend last night, when I decided to 'check-in' using my Facebook app. It was then that I saw, so had 29 others." Computers-Technology

#3899

I am addicted. I bought the iPhone, iPad, iTouch... Now iBroke, iHomeless and iRegret. Computers-Technology

#3900

iOS 5 update "Improves voice recognition for Australian users using dictation". I imagine Glaswegian is light years away. Computers-Technology

#3901

My wife said she's leaving me today because of my obsession with modern warfare 3. Let's see if she can get past the claymore at the front door Computers-Technology

#3902

"The Royal Air Force develops a new fighter jet. It is very fast, extremely agile and more or less the perfect aircraft. Only one problem occurs time and again - the wings keep breaking off. No matter what the engineers try, they fail to solve the problem. The Ministry of Defense offers a special prize of 100,000 to anyone who can find a solution. Among the thousands of submissions is a letter from Mrs. Brenda White, 70, of Grimsby. She recommends applying perforations to the points where the wings keep breaking off. All the experts have a good laugh at old Brenda and try out the other suggested solutions first, but none of them work. In the end, they perforate the wings at the points where they otherwise break off - and the wings stay intact! All the experts are astonished and all of them want to know how old Brenda hit upon the idea for the solution. When she comes to the Ministry to receive her prize, the Minister of Defense himself asks her directly. "Well, you know," says Brenda, "it's quite simple really. Has your toilet paper ever torn at the perforations?"" Computers-Technology

#3903

"I just got a new job at Apple but I'm not allowed to use the staff car park. I think it's because I've got a flash car." Computers-Technology

#3904

"IPhone 4 S" - Sorry, iPhone for WHAT!?... Computers-Technology

#3905

"I used to get confused by Skyrim... But then I took a banana to the forehead." Computers-Technology

#3906

"My mate turned to me and said "-I feel empty and uninteresting, as if I have nothing to contribute to the world. I don't know what to do." "Update your Facebook status!" I suggested." Computers-Technology

#3907

"All female athletes racing in London 2012 have been given free Sat Navs So they can find the finish line" Computers-Technology

#3908

"Apple have announced that they have come up with a new idea for iPad owners who thought the iPhone was too small. An iTest." Computers-Technology

#3909

"Want to plan your route through a forest infested with poisonous bees, whilst half naked and having to carry the stripper you got knocked up the night before because you're trying to escape from the man-eating beaver humming the pink panther theme tune? There's an App for that." Computers-Technology

#3910

Blackberry is now as useful as a Nokia 5110, BUT! Without Snake..... Computers-Technology

#3911

"Blame Europe for these ridiculous new laws about websites using cookies... But surely it's the Americans' fault no-one calls them by their proper English name, biscuits." Computers-Technology

#3912

"So Microsoft say they'll fix the red ring for free for three years after purchase. Anyone got a box big enough for a 9 year old?" Computers-Technology

#3913

"I had my first computer lesson today. It wasn't bad but I spent the first 20 mins putting the letters in the right order." Computers-Technology

#3914

"When my PC was taken away for repair, the company said they'd send me something to replace it while it was being fixed. I should probably cleared my browsing history, because the next day they sent me a copy of "Barely Legal"." Computers-Technology

#3915

He who laughs last... just got the joke on T-Mobile. Computers-Technology

#3916

Because I don't work and I sit around playing computer games all day I balance the feelings of guilt and shame by playing 'Career Mode' between the hours of 9.00am - 5.00pm Computers-Technology

#3917

I'm sad that videos have been replaced, I used to love saying to people, just before going out, "I'm just gonna use my head cleaner". Computers-Technology

#3918

When my friends on Facebook make Status' about how annoyed/angry/upset they are i like to make sure I let them know where they've gone wrong with their grammar. Just to see the reaction. Computers-Technology

#3919

Argh! Has anyone managed to shoot 5 iPads? Computers-Technology

#3920

"Tipped my Facebook addicted mate over the edge last night. I liked the link instead of the picture." Computers-Technology

#3921

"Problems being a single loser? There's a cat for that" Computers-Technology

#3922

"What do you call someone who owns an iPhone? It doesn't matter, they won't answer." Computers-Technology

#3923

"Blackberry Messenger is out of action again... That server goes down more than my Mrs." Computers-Technology

#3924

"Added my first friend on Facebook- my mum. Now I can change my relationship status!" Computers-Technology

#3925

"Just finished watching the video of Colonel Gaddafi and it's safe to say that I am disgusted. 240p render quality, I mean I knew the rebels where under equipped but jeeez.." Computers-Technology

#3926

"Was asked the question today..... "What's the biggest icons of the 21st century?" "Phone, Pad & Pod" Wasn't the answers they were looking for!" Computers-Technology

#3927

"I've just had a go of a remote control car that used to be a computer console. It was a Mega Drive." Computers-Technology

#3928

Have you seen match.com? There are literally thousands of average looking women to choose from. I feel like a kid in a broccoli shop. Computers-Technology

#3929

"IN THE NEWS: Peter Sutcliffe has been selling copies of CD's and MP3s in Prison to his inmates. It seems there is no end to the Yorkshire Ripper." Computers-Technology

#3930

Here's a question for all the philosophers out there. If something is listed on page 2 of a google search, does it really exist? Computers-Technology

#3931

"I'll never be up to scratch with the computer age. In my day, you used Trojans to protect yourself from viruses." Computers-Technology

#3932

"Miracles all around. Family members sitting back together People actually speaking to each other over lunch and dinner 60% less driving accidents Police having to search for a new reason to bust people.........\ It's amazing how a 3 day BB crash change the world" Computers-Technology

#3933

"I sent someone the web address of a picture of red bull and sugar It was a hyperlink" Computers-Technology

#3934

"I picked up a 99p copy of Avatar the other day. Compared to the 1080p version, the quality is atrocious." Computers-Technology

#3935

Apparently Apple are bringing out a new computerized Goat... I Kid you not. Computers-Technology

#3936

"I saw this great film at the weekend about cyber-bullying. I think it was called 'The Terminator' or something." Computers-Technology

#3937

"I wanted to see the full picture. So I pressed F11." Computers-Technology

#3938

"It seems there's an addiction to iPhone. At least there's an app for that" Computers-Technology

#3939

"Microsoft's in private browsing <3 Empty browsing history used to be such a giveaway." Computers-Technology

#3940

Apple Inc. really is getting into everything these days, there's the iPhone's, iPad's, iPod's etc... now they are going to launch their own iED's... Computers-Technology

#3941

"Apple is a Technology company, built on user experience and on harnessing the Internet. If you are wondering what the joke is, try ordering an IPad 2 on-line..." Computers-Technology

#3942

"Some idiot knocked over my recycle bin today. Now there's icons all over my desktop." Computers-Technology

#3943

"How do you know a blondes been sending emails? Letters in the CD-ROM." Computers-Technology

#3944

I just bought the wife a new iPad. She said "Isn't modern Technology great nowadays, I can't wait to use this I'm due on next week" Computers-Technology

#3945

Say what you like about the iPhone, even without Jobs it still works, Computers-Technology

#3946

"I'm in a band called FAT32. We don't do more than three gigs at a time." Computers-Technology

#3947

"Diablo 3 is the hardest game I've ever played. I can't even make it past the log in screen." Computers-Technology

#3948

"Apparently Facebook shares are really expensive I felt like a cheapskate just liking photos now" Computers-Technology

#3949

"After months of killing myself in the gym I emailed a photo of my new body to my girlfriend's iPhone. She replied stating she was unable to view it. Turns out the definition wasn't high enough." Computers-Technology

#3950

"I just noticed that to clear your history in IE8, you have to select the "Safety" tab. Who said Microsoft didn't listen to their customers?" Computers-Technology

#3951

"With Windows 7, you can have 2 windows open at the same time! Well done, Microsoft. Apple only invented that 10 years ago." Computers-Technology

#3952

"As I walked along the street tapping away on my 'iPad' someone said, "Get a life!" I said, "Where do you download one of those from.......?"" Computers-Technology

#3953

"I've been working at iPhone support for years now. Off and on." Computers-Technology

#3954

"Typos are easily made. Especially if you're looking for mail order brides..." Computers-Technology

#3955

"C0RNF1AK3S ...That's a serial number." Computers-Technology

#3956

"High Definition: Available now in all dictionaries." Computers-Technology

#3957

""Can I have a Big Mac please?" "Sir, you've got to be more specific than that." said the Apple salesman." Computers-Technology

#3958

"Apple have paired up with Voldemort, to release a new product that could catch on. It's called the iBrowse." Computers-Technology

#3959

Got an iPhone? Turn it into a virtual Blackberry by enabling airplane mode. Computers-Technology

#3960

"None of my Asian friends like the new iPhone. I keep trying to tell them it's got more than one great new feature, but they just think its Siri......." Computers-Technology

#3961

"I used to like role playing Skyrim, but I've gone off it. Oh the arrow-knee" Computers-Technology

#3962

I'm not sure I like the way Facebook lists all the local bike's exes in the "People you may know" column. Computers-Technology

#3963

You know you spend too much time on the computer when your finger nails fit the groove of your keys Computers-Technology

#3964

"February 14th, Valentine's day. Angry birds makes its debut on Facebook. Bit of a coincidence." Computers-Technology

#3965

"My lifetime wish was to become a master of The Sims 3, but now I'm thinking of changing it. First, however I need to save up 20,000 lifetime happiness." Computers-Technology

#3966

"You'd think that by now, with all the recent advances in Technology, someone would have come up with some really good fake Loch Ness Monster evidence." Computers-Technology

#3967

"My new gadget arrived this morning. "What is it Dad?" my son asked as I opened the three foot by three foot box, "A laptop or a desktop?". "No son, it's just my free upgrade to the new Nokia" I replied." Computers-Technology

#3968

"I got a horse racing App for my phone. You've got to train the horse Android it." Computers-Technology

#3969

New car, 32-inch television, iPhone and iPad - will make great presents for Christmas next year. Cheers Susanna Reid Computers-Technology

#3970

"I have a TV that picks up 6 channels. Its extra-terrestrial." Computers-Technology

#3971

"I thought I should let you all know that we've now changed the name of our band from 999MB to 1023MB. Still haven't done a gig though." Computers-Technology

#3972

i.e.: is a good example of a bad browser. Computers-Technology

#3973

I have just tried to write on Christ's wall on Facebook but found his timeline doesn't go back 2000 years Computers-Technology

#3974

"I've spent a fortune on iTunes. Every time I plug my iPod into my laptop I get that synching feeling." Computers-Technology

#3975

"I've had a rollercoaster of a year in 2010. But I can't be bothered playing Theme Park Rollercoaster all over again in 2011." Computers-Technology

#3976

I lost my new phone last night after a heavy drinking session, it's so hard to find as it is the world's smallest model, and all I'm left with is a pounding headache and this constant ringing in my ears. Computers-Technology

#3977

"My kids always say that I'm out of date with Technology, so I popped down to Car phone Warehouse..... I wish I hadn't bothered, they didn't have a single car phone in stock." Computers-Technology

#3978

"Gave my slow pc a reboot this morning. I kicked it twice this time round." Computers-Technology

#3979

My PC displays a range of irritating warning messages, but this one about cookies really takes the biscuit. Computers-Technology

#3980

""Excuse me son, but do you know where the nearest payphone is?" "Ummm........1992"" Computers-Technology

#3981

"Dry stone wall building... a grown man's Tetris" Computers-Technology

#3982

"I made Windows 7. I rang them up and told them OSX Leopard was better, so they copied It." Computers-Technology

#3983

"I never go on websites like chat roulette or omegle with my clothes on." Computers-Technology

#3984

I'm so chuffed after buying my first ever smArtphone the other day. Don't remember changing my service provider to "Connect your charger" though. Computers-Technology

#3985

"Definition of pressure: A wife, a mistress and a mortgage All one month late" Definitions

#3986

"What's the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver." Definitions

#3987

Are tops of Mountains called 'The Summit' because no-one could think of a name for them? Definitions

#3988

I suffer from aibohphobia-the fear of palindromes. Definitions

#3989

"Potent: A shelter for the smallest teletubby." Definitions

#3990

Avoidable: what a bullfighter tries to do. Definitions

#3991

Limousine - a collective noun for a group of slags. Definitions

#3992

"Understanding Marketing You see a fabulous girl at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a fabulous girl at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a fabulous girl. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a fabulous girl. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition." Definitions

#3993

"If I had a billion pounds for every time I underestimated... I would be a millionaire." Definitions

#3994

Arachnoleptic fit - The frantic dance you perform just after you have walked through a spider's web. Definitions

#3995

"What's the definition of perfect balance? A pregnant hunchback!" Definitions

#3996

Conscience - this silent voice, that tells you somebody could see you... Definitions

#3997

8.7328917415... The cube root of all evil... Definitions

#3998

Women are like a fine wine: when drunk, they are fantastic. Definitions

#3999

"Masturbation: A temporary solution to a permanent problem" Definitions

#4000

"Definition of Rapping: Poetry read aggressively by a black man." Definitions

#4001

Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to 'thank god it's Friday'. Definitions

#4002

"What word, seven letters long, begins with "n", has "n" in the middle, ends with "n" and stands for constipation? "nnnnnnn!!"" Definitions

#4003

"What's the definition of cruelty? Walking into an orphanage at Christmas singing, "We Are Family."" Definitions

#4004

Did you know, if you took all of the obese people from England & all of the obese people from America & put them in one place, that place would be Disneyland. Definitions

#4005

"Tesco backs cruelty to puppies... ...every little yelps." Definitions

#4006

Powernap (n) - when you fall asleep on someone who is weaker than you. Definitions

#4007

"What's the definition of an office dilemma? Having a raging hard on concealed only by your desk when suddenly, the fire alarm goes off." Definitions

#4008

"The definition of irony: The one night you don't check under the bed for the bogeyman, he gets you while your parents are out eating tapas. Hey, I resent being called the boogeyman" Definitions

#4009

"What's the definition of gross? When you go down on a pregnant woman and something grabs your tongue." Definitions

#4010

The definition of terror - When you message your girlfriend and hear your wife's text tone. Definitions

#4011

Miser. A hard person to live with, but makes a fine ancestor. Definitions

#4012

Algorithm (n) - a vice president's funky dance moves. Definitions

#4013

Nothing says you're a mute. Definitions

#4014

"Intermittent: (adj) where I went when it started to rain on my camping holiday." Definitions

#4015

"Rubbish - The stuff you throw away. Stuff - The rubbish you keep." Definitions

#4016

"What is the definition of impossible? Using all of your Rizla papers before the cardboard packaging runs out." Definitions

#4017

I finally took my daughter's Advice and read the dictionary today, apparently no really does mean no. Definitions

#4018

"Some really confident people say, 'Nothing is impossible' they clearly have not tried to staple water to a tree!" Definitions

#4019

"Definition of a computer virus: They replicate quickly. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware. Does this then make windows a virus?" Definitions

#4020

If I were to make money out of thin air, it'd be fraud. If a bank does it, it's "credit" Definitions

#4021

"What's the definition of strain? Bite marks on the toilet door..." Definitions

#4022

"Tomorrow: (noun) the greatest labour saving device of today." Definitions

#4023

A badly timed high five is just a slap in the face. Definitions

#4024

I looked in an atlas and the world really is flat! Definitions

#4025

A pedantic horse trots into a bar... Definitions

#4026

Ethnic Cleansing..... Not to be confused with a showering black person. Definitions

#4027

"A book containing the meaning of 800,000 words has been completed by students and professors at a university in Glasgow. They stopped after one of them found out the meaning of the word "pointless"." Definitions

#4028

Anorexia- Making meals out of nothing Definitions

#4029

"Carpet: (noun) A friendly, furry animal; kept in your automobile." Definitions

#4030

Definition of irony: Being beaten to death by a first aid kit. Definitions

#4031

Foot (noun): Device used for finding Lego in the dark. Definitions

#4032

"I'm having difficulty finding motivation...but it must be in this dictionary somewhere." Definitions

#4033

The man who invented verbs didn't really know what he was doing. Definitions

#4034

"The definition of false economy: I spent thirty quid on oysters to get my girlfriend in the mood to swallow the same thing for nothing." Definitions

#4035

"What's the definition of ironic? Putting a Crime stoppers advert on Sickipedia." Definitions

#4036

"What do you call an epileptic lesbian? A vibrator." Definitions

#4037

"Observational Comedy. What's that all about then?" Definitions

#4038

"I now know the feeling of having mixed emotions.... My Dad just informed me, he has Cancer and "it's hereditary.".... My Mum then tells me "he's not your Father!"" Definitions

#4039

Stockings: Basically tights with an al fresco eating area. Definitions

#4040

Enjoying my morning glory this morning when my mum walked in and said 'don't u think it's time to get up', I think I gave the wrong answer when i looked at her all seductively and replied 'I'm already up darling'.......... Definitions

#4041

The definition of fear...waking from having your tooth filled to find knee prints on the armrests of the dentist's chair. Definitions

#4042

"A new definition for Pole Position: Lying in the trees at the end of the track." Definitions

#4043

"What would you call the definition of surprise? Answer: A fart with a lump in it." Definitions

#4044

Forward slash (adj) - giving directions to the guns n roses guitarist. Definitions

#4045

Gastronomy is the science of using a telescope to watch fat people eating. Definitions

#4046

"I looked up the definition of "definition" today. It read, "Get a life"." Definitions

#4047

Pencils: for people who plan on making mistakes. Definitions

#4048

"I don't trust dictionaries. Nothing should have the power to define its own existence." Definitions

#4049

Music: Ruins Babe station. Definitions

#4050

Trigonometry: its hype to b squared. Definitions

#4051

Parasites - What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Definitions

#4052

The definition of irony: Super nanny Jo Frost giving weight loss tips to parents about their kids. Definitions

#4053

"I was watching this video where these black blokes were using a park to work out, it brought a new meaning to "monkey bars"." Definitions

#4054

"I looked up "redirect" in the dictionary. It read, "See divert"." Definitions

#4055

"Free press: When your mum irons your trousers for you." Definitions

#4056

"My wife said I'm, "awfully pedantic" the other day. "The 'awfully' part isn't really necessary", I said." Definitions

#4057

"Midgets. So that even Dwarfs can feel useful" Definitions

#4058

"What do you call a fat man surrounded by several scantily-clad women? A plimp" Definitions

#4059

Football: Americans no good at it, invented their own version that no other country plays thus they can't be beaten at it! Definitions

#4060

"The REAL definition of irony. God giving women wisdom teeth." Definitions

#4061

"What's the definition of awkwardness? The Germans telling Podolsk to hit the showers." Definitions

#4062

"What's the definition of irritating? **Complete this quick online survey to unlock the answer! **" Definitions

#4063

Take me out - deal or no deal but with smellier boxes... Definitions

#4064

"I wrote a Darwinian style book on Asian evolution: "Thailand: The Origin of the 'He/She's"." Definitions

#4065

Definition of Idiotic: A person who pays full price for a sofa. Definitions

#4066

Explain (n) - a former flying vehicle. Definitions

#4067

"Turf Wars the Irish version of snowball fights." Definitions

#4068

"Gynecologist" - A crack investigator. Definitions

#4069

"I asked my mate ''What does confidential mean?'' ''It's secret, keeping it to myself.'' He replied. ''I only asked you a question, you don't have to be like that.''" Definitions

#4070

"The reason I go on Facebook. Maximum Respect for the British Army... Many who like Cadbury Crème Egg like this? Enough said." Definitions

#4071

DIVORCE: Future tense of marriage. Definitions

#4072

Worship (n) - a Geordie's boat. Definitions

#4073

"I looked up "baffling" in the dictionary. The definition though was confusing..." Definitions

#4074

"Awkward: when someone stops you in the street for directions an you end up walking the same way next to each other" Definitions

#4075

"Dilapidated: The ability to perform huge throw-ins." Definitions

#4076

Irony: Soldiers playing "Risk" in Afghanistan. Definitions

#4077

Axe (verb) - What a black person does when they have a question. Definitions

#4078

"Definition of contradiction! As seen on Teledex, Healthy people are dying of swine flu." Definitions

#4079

Bridegroom. Noun. A man with a fine prospect of happiness behind him. Definitions

#4080

Phonezheimer's - The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting who you were calling just as they answer. Definitions

#4081

"Definition of a Yorkshire man, A Scots man with all the generosity squeezed out of him!" Definitions

#4082

Whoever invented the phrase, "And one for good luck", obviously never met someone with Downs Syndrome. Definitions

#4083

"Apathy. I can take or leave it." Definitions

#4084

"My girlfriend came over to me today and simply said "The earth, together with all of its countries, peoples, and natural features" It meant the world to me." Definitions

#4085

"Morning sickness the feeling when waking up after a night out and rolling over to discover exactly what hippo, elephant or whale it was you unashamedly ploughed for 30 seconds." Definitions

#4086

I didn't know what irony was until I found out that the Inland Revenue tax office is based in Liverpool. Definitions

#4087

"The word "salary" comes from the Latin word for salt as salt was often used to pay workers. That explains why I have to drink so much when I get mine." Definitions

#4088

Today's redneck definition: Obama - "I bought me a case of beer and drank it Obama self." Definitions

#4089

"I have two pet hates. Much more fun than having a cat or a dog" Definitions

#4090

"What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't." Definitions

#4091

"A large piece of cloth intended to keep the user warm especially while sleeping. I really need to stop with these blanket statements." Definitions

#4092

Hedonistic (n) - Victoria Beckham Definitions

#4093

I nearly died with fright when I was told I suffer from Macroxenoglossophobia Definitions

#4094

"PMT: (n) An afternoon hot beverage." Definitions

#4095

"What's a sheep's definition of pain? A black Welshman" Definitions

#4096

We're not racist, we're ethno-differentials. Definitions

#4097

I have an existential map, it has' you are here' written all over it. Definitions

#4098

Irony- The ironic thing about it is that I don't have a clue what it means Definitions

#4099

"What is a cloak? The mating call of a Chinese toad." Definitions

#4100

"What do you call a woman who has been mauled on the side of her head by a cat? Claudia" Definitions

#4101

"I've decided to make money writing dieting Books. I'm told they appeal to a very wide audience." Diets

#4102

"I went on a diet recently, came off drinking and heavy eating. In fourteen days I've lost exactly two weeks." Diets

#4103

"I walked in the pub yesterday and I couldn't help but notice a guy sat at the bar scribbling on some paper and laughing hysterically. "Why are you so happy?" I asked. "My wife's been on a diet for the last 4 days, and she's lost 5 pounds." the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" I asked. "Well," he says "I've worked out that in 4 months, she will have disappeared completely!"" Diets

#4104

"An American father says to his son, "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" Son replies, "Diet."" Diets

#4105

I've been doing really well on my diet recently, but the other day I ate a 50p coin. People keep saying to me "You look like you've put on half a pound..." Diets

#4106

Can someone please tell fat women that skin tight jeans are a fashion statement not a challenge Diets

#4107

"What does a diet and a black man have in common? They don't work." Diets

#4108

"Diets. They're for people who are thick and tired of it." Diets

#4109

"It's probably not a good sign when you step on your Wii Fit board and it says, 1 Player at a time please" Diets

#4110

To gain weight, takeaway Pizza. To lose weight, take away Pizza. Diets

#4111

"I've nearly finished the pills the doctor gave me to stop me from being so greedy. I want some more." Diets

#4112

"Earlier today a fat girl said she was uncomfortable with her body, I'd be uncomfortable too If I had to carry all that weight around." Diets

#4113

These anemic people can really take a leaf from Iron Man's book. Diets

#4114

"I absolutely REFUSE to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories" Diets

#4115

"Started my diet this morning. Already lost 2 pounds. The coin fell down the side of the car seat and my hands are too fat to squeeze down there." Diets

#4116

"What's the Difference between a Leeds girl and an elephant? Two stone. How do you make them the same? Give the elephant a sandbag." Diets

#4117

"My mate bet me a tenner I couldn't come up with a good Vegetarian joke... I had a few, but gave him the money there and then. They were all to Quorny..." Diets

#4118

I don't know why girls are so touchy about saying how much they weigh, it's not going to stop people seeing how fat they are. Diets

#4119

"I've just started at slimming world and it's brilliant, you're allowed 15 sins a day. I've been doing gluttony and sloth today." Diets

#4120

On a whim I named my cat Hamburger Helper. The funny thing was it tasted like chicken. Diets

#4121

"2nd day of my diet. I've lost 7 pounds. I'm gutted, I was gonna buy a kebab with that." Diets

#4122

My wife's really found her feet with this new Weight Watchers' diet. Diets

#4123

"i got kicked out of fat fighters today. Apparently it's not the British equivalent to sumo wrestling!" Diets

#4124

"I went to a bulimia meeting today. I didn't want to mention lunch but they kept bringing it up" Diets

#4125

"Had to think of a gravestone inscription for my wife. I think she would have approved.. "Finally found a diet that seemed to be working"" Diets

#4126

"I'm trying to drop two dress sizes for the summer. The wife's up to a 14 now!" Diets

#4127

"The wife has gone on a crash diet... She dented the car so I knocked her teeth out." Diets

#4128

"I was out on my first date with a girl from work and she asked "are you more of a cat or dog person"? 'As long as there's some tomato sauce I'll eat anything!' I replied." Diets

#4129

""So what do you do?" My new roommate asked me. "I work with people who have let themselves go in life and to help them find their feet again." I said proudly. "Oh, wow!" Said my new roommate. "That must be very rewarding work." I shrugged. "Just an ordinary day at Weight Watchers."" Diets

#4130

"Define irony? Small doors at McDonald's." Diets

#4131

"Since Christmas I have managed to lose 10 pounds. I think a fiver a month to Weight Watchers is fair enough for their Advice." Diets

#4132

"My psychic girlfriend was a size 20 and sad. But now she has lost weight to a size 12 and is a happy medium." Diets

#4133

"Me: My fat wife is on a three week diet. Mate: How much has she lost so far? Me: Two weeks." Diets

#4134

These last few weeks, I've been eating healthily and getting a lot of Exercise, so I'm going to need some serious detoxing. Diets

#4135

"Dieting sucks A waist is a terrible thing to mind" Diets

#4136

"Women's first thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet: "Eeww! That's horrible; I must get cleaning equipment before I can use this." Men's first thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet: "Hmmm... Can I remove this with the contents of my bladder?"" Difference

#4137

"What is the Difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian? A pair of jeans only has one fly on it." Difference

#4138

"What's the Difference between Hitler and Paula Radcliffe? Hitler tried to finish the race." Difference

#4139

"What is the Difference between a black man and a bicycle? A bicycle doesn't sing when you put chains on it." Difference

#4140

"What's the Difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroo? One's a kangaroo and one's a Geordie stuck in a lift." Difference

#4141

"What is the Difference between a midget and a freak? Political correctness" Difference

#4142

"What's the Difference between SpongeBob Square Pants and Maddie? SpongeBob WANTS to live at the bottom of the sea." Difference

#4143

"What's the Difference between Emile Heskey and Madeleine McCann? Maddie scored before she died." Difference

#4144

"What's the Difference between a baby and a Mars Bar? About 500 calories." Difference

#4145

"What's the Difference between Americans and sumo wrestlers? Americans make sumo wrestlers look anorexic." Difference

#4146

"A friend of mine pulled out the old joke of shoving two fingers under my nose and saying "Smell your mum" So I punched him in the face and said "Smell your Nan."" Difference

#4147

"What's the Difference between women and Computers? You can stick a floppy into a computer." Difference

#4148

"What's the Difference between a baby and a catholic priest? One sucks its fingers..." Difference

#4149

"I had a big row with the wife last night. She said, "You don't love me anymore full stop!" I said, "You're wrong \- I don't love you anymore exclamation mark!"" Difference

#4150

"What's the Difference between Gary Glitter and Maddie McCann's parents? Gary Glitter comes back from holiday with more kids than he left with." Difference

#4151

"What's the Difference between Emile Heskey and Heather Mills? Heather Mills has got a right foot." Difference

#4152

"What's the Difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F." Difference

#4153

"What's the Difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off." Difference

#4154

"What is the Difference between a baby and a fridge? A fridge doesn't scream when you pack it with meat." Difference

#4155

"Ahhhhh........Oral in the morning, Role play in the afternoon. I better start revising for these French tests." Difference

#4156

"What's the Difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 45 minutes." Difference

#4157

"What is the Difference between a white owl and a black owl? A white owl says "who", "who" and a black owl says "who dat", "who dat"." Difference

#4158

"What's the Difference between the All Blacks and a teabag? The teabag stays in the cup longer!" Difference

#4159

"What's the Difference between Russell Crowe and Madeleine McCann? Madeleine still makes decent films." Difference

#4160

"What's the Difference between your mum and our local? Our local gives good head." Difference

#4161

"What's the Difference between a paki drug smuggler in China and me? I'm going to wake up tomorrow." Difference

#4162

"Only_girls_allowed wrote: What's the Difference between Kate and Gerry McCann and Josef Fritz? Josef knows where his daughter is. -------------------------------------- That's not really a Difference is it?" Difference

#4163

"What's the Difference between a toilet-brush and a toothbrush? The taste." Difference

#4164

"What's the Difference between karate and evolution? In karate you start off white and end up black." Difference

#4165

"What's the Difference between Remembrance Day and an Andy Parsons joke? We only have 2 minutes silence on Remembrance Day." Difference

#4166

"What's the Difference between a traffic warden and a sperm cell? The sperm cell has at least 1 out of 375,000,000 chance of getting a life." Difference

#4167

"What's the Difference between my epileptic brother and my new jigsaw? I can't get my jigsaw to fit." Difference

#4168

"What's the Difference between Rolf Harris and the Australian cricket team? Rolf Harris can draw gracefully." Difference

#4169

"What's the Difference between a woman and a ball of string? The string won't go on forever." Difference

#4170

"Q: What's the Difference between a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman? A: In each case, there's a moron who didn't pull it out on time" Difference

#4171

"What's the Difference between Madeleine McCann and Susan Boyle? Susan Boyle hasn't been fingered." Difference

#4172

"What's the Difference between a postman and a postwoman? A few letters." Difference

#4173

"What's the Difference between Madeleine McCann and Haiti? I know where Madeleine McCann is." Difference

#4174

"What's the Difference between a brothel and daycare? You use protection in a brothel." Difference

#4175

"What's the Difference between Jordan and the X Factor? The X Factor only had half a million entries this year" Difference

#4176

"What's the Difference between Iceland food and Iceland customers? Some of the food isn't battered." Difference

#4177

"What's the Difference between James Corden and AIDS? I don't hope AIDS will suffer from James Corden." Difference

#4178

"What's the Difference between Sir Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson? Sir Alex will still be pulling young men off in August." Difference

#4179

"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson and a bag of marshmallows? Not much. They're both white, made Children's faces all sticky, and will be roasted in fire soon." Difference

#4180

"What's the Difference between the KKK and the English government? One knows what it's doing, and the other doesn't have a klu." Difference

#4181

"What's the Difference between an American and a tub of lard? The tub." Difference

#4182

"Why do women have larger hips than men? To balance the washing basket on." Difference

#4183

"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson and Chicken Pox? Chicken Pox is still coming over kids." Difference

#4184

"What's the Difference between Jade Goody and Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi? Max Clifford." Difference

#4185

"What's the Difference between an egg and cancer? Jade Goody could beat an egg." Difference

#4186

"What's the Difference between the Haitian Earthquake and Madeleine McCann? One started at the bottom of the sea..." Difference

#4187

"What's the Difference between the Eithiopian plane crash and Michael Jackson? One makes a crash site, the other makes a site crash" Difference

#4188

"What's the Difference between Hitler and Prince Phillip? Hitler's dead." Difference

#4189

"What's the Difference between a Terry's chocolate orange and a dead body? You don't need to whack a dead body before you unwrap it." Difference

#4190

"What's the Difference between praying in a church and praying on the golf course? You really mean it when you're on the golf course..." Difference

#4191

"The Difference between being married and being single? When you're single, it takes you two hours to get ready to go out. When you're married, it takes you two hours to get ready to leave the pub." Difference

#4192

I love playing rock, paper, scissors with quadriplegics; they always go for rock Difference

#4193

Does anyone know where Concentrate is? I've been drinking this lovely orange juice from there. Difference

#4194

"What's the Difference between Susan Boyle and Susan Boyle's house? Her house has been broken in." Difference

#4195

"What's the Difference between Ronaldo and God? God doesn't think he's Ronaldo." Difference

#4196

"What's the Difference between Maddie McCann and a SmArt car? You can't fit 3 blokes in a smArt car." Difference

#4197

If someone says 'don't tell a soul' does that mean you can still tell gingers? Difference

#4198

"What's the Difference between Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein? One's washed up at the bottom of the sea, the other's hanging out to dry." Difference

#4199

"What's the Difference between a wife and a wheelie bin? You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week." Difference

#4200

"What's the Difference between Manchester City and Swine Flu? At least Swine Flu is reaching Europe." Difference

#4201

"What's the Difference between RAM and CPU.... You can't CPU a gibbon." Difference

#4202

"What's the Difference between an Ikea flat-pack wardrobe which is missing the adhesive, and an Ikea employee? One is a glue less kit." Difference

#4203

There's those times you know what you're talking about, and then there's times when... you know. When you. Well you know what I mean. Difference

#4204

"What's the Difference between rob green and jade goody? Jade goody could have saved that." Difference

#4205

"What's the Difference between a woman and a towel? On the towel you look for the dry places." Difference

#4206

What's the Difference between an NFL quArterback and 19th century governments? Nothing. Black people are still being worked hard with a white guy taking all the credit. Difference

#4207

"What weighs more, a tonne of bricks or a tonne of feathers? Your mum. It was a trick question." Difference

#4208

"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson and Baby P? Baby P had more hits before he died." Difference

#4209

"What's the Difference between the World Economy and Tommy Cooper? Everybody laughed when Tommy Cooper collapsed" Difference

#4210

"What's the Difference between WalmArt and Michael Jackson? At Wal-MArt, kids' clothing is only 10% off." Difference

#4211

"What's the Difference between pinball and my wife? Ive only cheated on pinball once." Difference

#4212

"Depeche Mode singer Dave Gahan caused fury in Peru- by thanking the wrong country. After a concert in Lima, he shouted: "Thanks very much, Chile." I know exactly how he feels. At the end of an after-dinner speaking gig last week, I said to the audience: "Ladies and gentlemen of Hull, goodnight." Turns out I was actually in Basra." Difference

#4213

"What's the Difference between Father Christmas and the City link Delivery man? One is a fictional character who doesn't actually deliver presents at Christmas and the other is Santa." Difference

#4214

"What's the Difference between a catholic priest and Gary Glitter? At least Gazza will use a condom." Difference

#4215

"What's the Difference between lenny henry and Emile Heskey? Lenny Henry has scored against the French" Difference

#4216

"What's the Difference between my girlfriend and the Aussie cricket team? My girlfriend's DEFINITELY gonna get spanked." Difference

#4217

"What's the Difference between you and your mum? Your mum is trying to diet..." Difference

#4218

"What's the Difference between Stephen Hawking and a Dalek? A Dalek has got an English accent." Difference

#4219

"What's the Difference between the new Swine Flu website and Sickipedia? At least 5 people managed to access the Swine Flu website in the last 24 hours." Difference

#4220

"What's the Difference between Ricky Ponting and my sweaty pants? Sweaty pants will stick at the crease all day." Difference

#4221

"What's the Difference between a team managed by Gary Megson and a French Army tank? Once, for just a few moments, the French Army tank went forward yeah , it was doing a 3 point turn" Difference

#4222

"What's the Difference between a baby and a banana? I don't get a hard on peeling a banana." Difference

#4223

"What's the Difference between me and a 40 year old virgin? I'm not 40 yet ..." Difference

#4224

"What's the Difference between a boxer and a woman? A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies down to get knocked up." Difference

#4225

"What's the Difference between Emile Heskey and Amy Winehouse? Amy got at least one killer shot in before she died." Difference

#4226

"Q. What's the Difference between an emo and a Goth? A. What's the point? You wouldn't understand" Difference

#4227

"What's the Difference between Sickipedia and the 18th century? Not a lot really..." Difference

#4228

We are all individuals except for me. Difference

#4229

"What's the Difference between my wife and a dog? i let the dog out on weekends" Difference

#4230

"What's the Difference between my missus and my dog? My missus can bury a bone without getting her nose dirty" Difference

#4231

"A black girl at work asked me "Have you ever been with a sister before?" I told her "No... just a few cousins."" Difference

#4232

"What's the Difference between Mollie Sugden and Michael Jackson? About 9000 Sickipedians from when I tried to get on here last week." Difference

#4233

"What's the Difference between Ricky Ponting and a prison facial? One's a convict chewing his gum and the other's a convict going his chum." Difference

#4234

"Q: How can you tell the Difference between a happy sperm and an unhappy sperm? A: The happy sperm is the one with egg on his face." Difference

#4235

"What's the Difference between Alice in Wonderland and Billy Wright? Alice made it out of the Maze....." Difference

#4236

"I woke up this morning in my own bed, sheets dry, with full memory of everything I did the night before. Dude, I was so sober last night..." Difference

#4237

"What's the Difference between a woman and a plate? You lick a plate when you're finished." Difference

#4238

"What's the Difference between a HIV results letter & my ex-girlfriends legs? One was hard to open. The other is hard to keep closed." Difference

#4239

"What's the Difference between a ginger and a blonde? About 500 friends on Facebook." Difference

#4240

"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson's right hand and mine? I can still touch kids with mine." Difference

#4241

"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson and Sir Alex Ferguson? Someone really should've told Michael Jackson he'd get nowhere with kids." Difference

#4242

"Q: What's the Difference between Justin biber and a used condom? A: Everyone would laugh if I bust Justin Bieber" Difference

#4243

"Some people call me antisocial. I wish they'd just leave me alone." Difference

#4244

"BBC NEWS: A Tibetan Mastiff was sold today in China for $600,000 dollars American. Idiots...You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink." Difference

#4245

"What's the Difference between my gas boiler and the American Air Force? When the pilot on my boiler goes out, I'm not worried about it blowing up British troops." Difference

#4246

"What's the Difference between a paedophile and a pediatrician? The paedophile really loves Children." Difference

#4247

""What's the Difference between carol singers and trick or treat kids?" "Nothing, you are getting life imprisonment for both crimes."" Difference

#4248

"What's the Difference between men and women? wo" Difference

#4249

"What's the Difference between my girlfriend and my sister? That's not a joke, I genuinely can't think of a Difference." Difference

#4250

"What's the Difference between Alecia Moore and Humpty Dumpty? One is Pink and had a great fall, the other is an egg." Difference

#4251

"I was going to make a joke about stammering. But it's a big no no. Difference

#4252

"What's the Difference between a toilet and a woman? A toilet doesn't follow you around for days after you've used it." Difference

#4253

"What's the Difference between a porch monkey and a yard ape? The length of the rope." Difference

#4254

"What is the Difference between owning a Ferrari and being a suicide bomber? If you have a Ferrari, you'll be blown up but at least you have a CHANCE of getting with 72 virgins" Difference

#4255

"What's the Difference between Cheryl Cole and Susan boyle. An erection." Difference

#4256

"What's the Difference between my Wife and a DArtboard? Throwing DArts at my wife is enjoyable." Difference

#4257

"What did the Cyclops say to his missis? You're the one eye love..." Difference

#4258

"What's the Difference between Justin Bieber and grapes? You'd take your shoes and socks off to stamp on grapes." Difference

#4259

"What's the Difference between Michael Jackson and Jade Goody? Jade Goody only left two boys behind weeping." Difference

#4260

"What's the Difference between Amanda Holden and Pizza Express? Pizza Express can manage a delivery." Difference

#4261

"I ordered a new welcome mat and decided to have it delivered. I told them that, if I am not in just leave it by the front door. They said they could not leave a package outside as it might get stolen." Difference

#4262

"A math teacher's wife gave birth to two twins, and they were called dy and dx. I told him that I couldn't differentiate between the two." Difference

#4263

"What is the connection between; Jade Goody. Phil Cornwell and Michael Jackson? Dead Minger Dead Ringer Dead Singer. Difference

#4264

"What's the Difference between Maddie and Jordan? When I look at a picture of Jordan, I don't get a semi" Difference

#4265

What's the Difference between Hitler and sickipedia? Hitler liked duplicates Difference

#4266

"What's the Difference between Cary Grant and Russell Grant? You can rustle Cary Grant...." Difference

#4267

"What's the Difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes: Whack! "Argggghhhh!" The other goes: "Argggghhhh!" Whack!" Difference

#4268

"What's the Difference between Rick Saloman and Michael Jackson? Rick Saloman has only had one night in Paris" Difference

#4269

"What's the Difference between Jordan and Maddie? Jordan's tighter." Difference

#4270

"Dating Advert: Midget very kind and nice to put it short and sweet." Difference

#4271

...What's the Difference between my mum and my sister???? I always wear a condom with my mum!!!!! Difference

#4272

"What's the Difference between a pool party and a fancy dress party? Nothing to me, I usually go as Tarzan to either." Difference

#4273

"What's the Difference between Steven Barker and Gary Glitter? One beats up kids and the other beats off on kids." Difference

#4274

"Watching 8 out of 10 cats through my fingers \- Jimmy Carr looks like he's been crying. Hope they drop him and bring in someone we can feel comfortable with, like Michael Barrymore." Difference

#4275

"What's the Difference between Emile Heskey and a table football player? Heskey's black." Difference

#4276

"What's the Difference between the England national team and the new iPhone 4? England's reception was a lot better than I expected." Difference

#4277

"What do twins and fruit fetishists have in common? They both come in pears" Difference

#4278

"What's the Difference between The Descent and What Katie did next? One is based around a giant cave that housed some backward blind specimen and the other is a film worth watching." Difference

#4279

Lady Gaga & Dr. Seuss surprisingly have a lot in common. Both of them are known for being kooky, for breaking boundaries and for being men. Difference

#4280

"What's the Difference between toilet paper and toast? Toast is brown on both sides." Difference

#4281

"What's the Difference between a dissolution and a solution? A dissolution would be to throw a paki into a tank of acid. A solution would be to throw them all into it." Difference

#4282

"What's the Difference between Katie Price and the Twin Towers? Katie Price went down faster with more people inside her." Difference

#4283

"What's the Difference between Hitler and Susan Boyle? Hitler trimmed his moustache." Difference

#4284

"I chastised a dinner guest because he expressed his wind after his meal, but he was unrepentant. "I come from Saudi Arabia, and it is polite to do that to show one's appreciation of the food" he said. That may be so, but I'm sure it's not polite to follow through all over your chair." Difference

#4285

"What's the Difference between Elvis, and Rudolf Hess? Elvis didn't come to Scotland to sing" Difference

#4286

What's the Difference between the Royal Mail strike and Diana? A Royal Mail strike stops the post ... and a post stops Diana Difference

#4287

"What's the Difference between a paedophile and a teacher? Teachers get paid." Difference

#4288

"First world stoner problem: Not being able to hear the TV over the sound of crisps being eaten. Third world stoner problem: Nothing to get rid of cottonmouth." Difference

#4289

"A drunk girl accused me of being a "Prehistoric dinosaur" So I Raptor" dinosaurs

#4290

Fossils- the only thing they tell us is that dinosaurs lived underground. Dinosaurs

#4291

"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotapus" dinosaurs

#4292

"My parents tried to put me off becoming an archaeologist. They said there was no future in it." Dinosaurs

#4293

My cat died of a stroke this morning, I'll have to be gentler next time. Dinosaurs

#4294

I don't want to alarm anyone but since that Volcano erupted, I haven't seen a single dinosaur.. Dinosaurs

#4295

"Was watching Take Me Out earlier when a young black man who went by the name of 'Silky' stole the hearts of all the women. And their purses." Dinosaurs

#4296

And on the seventh day, God said "EEK, DINOSAURS!" and bombarded the Earth with meteors. Dinosaurs

#4297

T-Rex, the Jeremy Beadle of the dinosaur world. Dinosaurs

#4298

What did T-Rex's do if they were happy and knew it? Dinosaurs

#4299

"Being a big fan of Mark Bolan I have to say I was a little disappointed in the T-Rex t-shirt I ordered off of EBay. It was a little short in the arms and a few hundred sizes too big." Dinosaurs

#4300

y do people who watch x factor type like dis? Dinosaurs

#4301

"I imagine that if you were to cut open an archaeopteryx, its stomach would be full of worms. After all, it was the earliest bird." Dinosaurs

#4302

"How Did The Dinosaurs Die? Well, after they ate everything on Earth, they dug deep into the ground to search for food. Sadly, they became trapped in their own holes, which is why their skeletons are found underground today." Dinosaurs

#4303

"What do you call a lesbian Dinosaur? Extinct" dinosaurs

#4304

"Troll Hunter TV ad: "The best monster movie since Jurassic Park" "You've never seen anything like this before" Uh... Jurassic Park?" dinosaurs

#4305

"I don't know why Christians are getting worried about this rapture. They don't even believe in Dinosaurs." Dinosaurs

#4306

"If the tongue is the strongest muscle, How come I can never get that bit of Wots it out of my back tooth?" dinosaurs

#4307

"I don't understand why scientists say that the dinosaurs died because a meteor hit the earth. Everyone knows it's because Noah couldn't fit them on the arc." Dinosaurs

#4308

"T-Rexes may have lacked intelligence but they never gave anything away. They always kept their cards close to their chest." Dinosaurs

#4309

"The Christians who claim dinosaurs lived at the same time as ancient humans might be onto something. They all do seem to have Roman names." Dinosaurs

#4310

"Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens didn't exist in those days." Dinosaurs

#4311

"God is definitely a woman. If God was a man, he'd never have cancelled the dinosaur programmer." Dinosaurs

#4312

"Evolution is at work the whole time, creating new and complex eco systems, everyone a microcosm of the universe, forever changing forever developing. That's why I can't clean my room!" dinosaurs

#4313

I went to a psychiatrist about a recurring nightmare, where me and two friends get a bill for 25, and have to split it three ways. That's 8.33333333333.............. Dreams

#4314

I had a recurring dream once. Dreams

#4315

"When you wish upon a star, you are a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your Dreams." Dreams

#4316

"I had the worst Nightmare last night, It didn't scare me at all." Dreams

#4317

"I never knew having an imaginary friend could be so problematic. I opened a bank account for him, donated some of my funds, now I'm being done for tax evasion." Dreams

#4318

They should rate Dreams on a scale of MArtin Luther King to Freddy Krueger Dreams

#4319

"I keep on having Dreams that I am Iron Man. They always end when the armor falls off and underneath it all I am Stark naked." Dreams

#4320

"I said to my mate, "I dreamt that I ate a giant marshmallow!" He said, "Let me guess, you woke up and your pillow was gone?" I said, "No, I woke up and one of my giant marshmallows was gone."" Dreams

#4321

"I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up... My wife was dead. Great morning all round, really." Dreams

#4322

"I phoned the wife today, "I had a terrible dream." And? "You were there." And? "What do you mean? And?" Dreams

#4323

"My parents used to say I'd never be able to be a pirate when I grew up. My dvd and music collection nowadays says otherwise." Dreams

#4324

""I was having superb dream about you." I said to my wife as I woke. "You were doing something really nice to me." "Maybe it will come true." she said. "What was it?" "I hope so." I replied. "Leaving."" Dreams

#4325

"Last night I had an amazing dream involving Megan Fox, Jessica Alba, Katy Perry and Cheryl Cole. I beat them all at Monopoly." Dreams

#4326

"I asked a sleep therapist out on a date She said, "Pffft ... in your Dreams" I said, "Cool, I'll pick you up at nine then"" Dreams

#4327

"I had a fantastic wet dream last night. It was about a tsunami in the Indian ocean which killed 250,000 pakis, Indians and darkies." Dreams

#4328

Always follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. Dreams

#4329

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches? Dreams

#4330

"My dream catcher broke last night. Nightmare!" Dreams

#4331

"This girl in the pub asked me if she was the woman of my Dreams. "That depends" I said. "Are you wet?"" Dreams

#4332

Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. I woke up this morning and my albino son was gone Dreams

#4333

"I dreamt I was a woman last night. When I woke up, the house was spotless. Looks like the wife couldn't sleep again." Dreams

#4334

"Aren't Dreams amazing? Last night I had a dream that I hadn't had a shave and I woke to find it had come true." Dreams

#4335

I have a dream: a dream that one day, little black girls and little white girls will play with each other! Dreams

#4336

An elderly couple is having breakfast. The woman says: "Oh, I had the most wonderful dream: I was 20 years old again and I was cycling through a beautiful forest with my sister." The man replies: "I had a wonderful dream too: I was 20 years old again and I was making love to a beautiful girl." The woman winks and asks: "were you making love to me?", to which the man replies: "Of course not, you were out cycling with your sister." Dreams

#4337

A place without thought. Imagine that. Dreams

#4338

""Doctor, I really need your help", I said. "Every night for the past two weeks I'm dreaming about some rats playing football." "Here, take these pills tonight before you go to bed and you will be fine." "But can I take them starting tomorrow?" "Why?" "Because tonight they play the final."" Dreams

#4339

"I once won a dream holiday to the Bahamas. I woke up gutted." Dreams

#4340

"I was talking to my psychiatrist earlier: Me: I keep having these Dreams in which my wife dies. Psychiatrist: I see, and how long have you been having these nightmares? Me: Nightmares?" Dreams

#4341

"Sign on the motorway, "Tiredness can kill". Especially true if you were on your way to Elm Street." Dreams

#4342

"I had a really bad nightmare last night. I dreamt that I unsuccessfully buried my wife in the back garden. When I woke up, I walked downstairs and hugged my spade." Dreams

#4343

"There is nothing more tedious than having to listen to someone telling you what they dreamed of last night. MArtin Luther King found that out the hard way." Dreams

#4344

"I used to be pretty big-headed. I'm perfect now though" Dreams

#4345

"Last year , all of my Dreams came true. This year , I'm sat here in this prison cell , wishing that they hadn't." Dreams

#4346

"Don't listen to what people say, FOLLOW YOUR DREAM! Unless you're fat because you probably won't be able catch up with it." Dreams

#4347

"I've been having Dreams that I can't interpret. They're in French and I don't speak the language." Dreams

#4348

"I had a dream in which my wife was involved in a car accident and tragically killed... i woke up in tears that morning... ...because I realized she wasn't actually dead." Dreams

#4349

"My wife wasn't happy when I announced I was going to be leaving to follow my dream. Or "Tanya from next door" as she is also known." Dreams

#4350

I don't know if it's common, but when I was a kid I used to dream that I was falling from a tall tree, only to wake up and find out that, in fact, the babysitter had thrown me out of the window. Dreams

#4351

"Last night, our son came up to our room and asked if he could sleep in our bed because he was afraid of the monster in his closet. It's already the third time this week, I hope his girlfriend doesn't mind." Dreams

#4352

"Didn't get much sleep last night, I kept dreaming I was frozen & then dropped off a cliff. I'm absolutely shattered this morning." Dreams

#4353

"You know, I'm sick of following my Dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later" Dreams

#4354

I dropped off last night and then farted myself awake. Wife wasn't best pleased. Don't think we'll be going to the theatre again for a while. Embarrassment

#4355

"After only having my new job as an English teacher for a few months, I was shocked when an eleven year old girl approached me and said "Me and my boyfriend are having a baby!" I was disgusted. She should have said "My boyfriend and I are having a baby"" Embarrassment

#4356

"I'm glad that I don't have to go through Facebook to like these jokes... Otherwise everyone would know how sick I am" Embarrassment

#4357

I pulled my balaclava on, pulled my collar up and left the house after a good look round to make sure no one could recognize me, I headed down the road with one thing on my mind, making sure no one saw me when I popped into Aldi for some milk. Embarrassment

#4358

"I was talking to my mum, ''What about that pretty girl of yours?'' she asks. ''Who, Amber? I said. ''Yeah, I've been hearing a lot of noise coming from upstairs lately.'' she said smiling. ''We broke up a 2 weeks ago mum.'' I said. ''I know!'' she said laughing, ''You've been in your room crying for days you big girl!''" Embarrassment

#4359

"What do you call someone with no clue what irony is? An American..... Now go on, re-post that fatty!!" Embarrassment

#4360

"I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to be able to piece together my twenties." Embarrassment

#4361

"I should be proud of my wife for being an elite athlete. I just find it difficult to tell others I'm married to the scrum-half from Leeds Carnegie." Embarrassment

#4362

My girlfriend and midwife didn't see the funny side to me wearing my t-shirt with the logo "remember my name you'll be screaming it later" when she went into labour. Embarrassment

#4363

"How dare you break wind before my wife" said the host of a dinner party to his guest. "Oh I'm sorry" said the guest, "I didn't realize it was her turn". Embarrassment

#4364

"I came home last night to find my son had thrown a party. The place was trashed. There was only one punishment that would be sufficient. So I fingered his mother while we slow danced in the front room." Embarrassment

#4365

"I took my new girlfriend to the cinema last night, we sat at the back... There's less chance of people seeing us together." Embarrassment

#4366

"Three men, one american, one mexican, and one Chinese, were hiking in an unknown mountain. They suddenly discovered a big cave. So they each decided to test its echo. The American man shouted his name: "Tom" The echo replied: "Tom" The mexican man shouted his name: "Carlito" The echo replied: "Carlito" The Chinese man shouted his name: "Ching Chong Lao Song" The echo replied: "what?"" Embarrassment

#4367

As a Kid I hated losing, so I played with myself. Embarrassment

#4368

"I saw this hot girl walking towards me, so I tried to impress her and stood next to this really expensive Ferrari. As she came closer to me....she said, "Excuse me" and got in her car and left." Embarrassment

#4369

"What's funnier than seeing a fat guy fall over? Watching him cradle himself to sleep trying to get back up." Embarrassment

#4370

"I farted in front of my new girlfriend's mother last night. She was not impressed. I'll try harder next time I see her, and make the fart louder and longer." Embarrassment

#4371

"As we drove past an elderly couple walking a Labrador earlier, my girlfriend said to me: "Isn't it weird, ever since we have had a dog, I now always notice lots of dogs when we're out" I said, "I know exactly what you mean, ever since I've had a girlfriend, I now notice lots of girls when we're out!"" Embarrassment

#4372

"River dance......... The only time it's acceptable to cheer on a ginger" Embarrassment

#4373

"What's the Difference between brussel sprouts and snot? You'll never surprise your kids eating their brussel sprouts." Embarrassment

#4374

"I'm typing this from my hospital bed and I'm having problems understanding the accent of my East European nurse, so a moment ago I simply smiled and nodded. Considering what is happening now, I hope he said "Do you want an enemy?"." Embarrassment

#4375

I took my car for a service last week... Waste of time though, couldn't quite fit it through the church doors! Embarrassment

#4376

""Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: 1. Knowledge is Power. 2. Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Since: Knowledge = Power Time = Money It follows that: Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make." Embarrassment

#4377

"My wife came into the same pub as me and my mates and walked up to me "look at you acting all cool as if you can't be bothered talking to me" "sorry fatso do I know you?" I replied" Embarrassment

#4378

Throwing a chocolate bar at fat girls 'cos they look like they need a Boost. Embarrassment

#4379

"Research shows that at least 99% of N-Dubz fan will get 3 GCSE's between them." Embarrassment

#4380

"Last night I tried one of those tricks where you light your farts on fire. I couldn't find a lighter, so I used a candle. Completely ruined my Grandmothers birthday cake." Embarrassment

#4381

"I accidentally liked a girl's picture on Facebook. Doesn't help that it was of her Dad's gravestone." Embarrassment

#4382

Anyone else tried J20 after 8 pints of lager. I tried but still ended up going round the M25. Embarrassment

#4383

"I was at the motorway services the other day when a man in a yellow coat shouted over to me, "Are you with the AA, sir?". I shouted back at him, "Do I look like an alcoholic!"" Embarrassment

#4384

"The wife was livid that I had made a show of her in front of all my friends last night. With hindsight, I probably should have hidden the web cam in the bedroom a bit better." Embarrassment

#4385

"I was trying to get a hot girl at the bar jealous, so I started slowly dancing and getting off with a potted plant. It worked wonders, she was staring at me." Embarrassment

#4386

I became the stag party organizer for my mate the other day. I found a great place we could go, I promised my mate the girls get wet for you and everything! He didn't seem impressed when we turned up at a Children's swimming pool. Embarrassment

#4387

"I saw an old mate I hadn't seen for ages. "How's life in the fast lane?" I joshed. "Not too good mate. My wife was involved in a multiple pile up on the motorway." Hush, my mouth." Embarrassment

#4388

There's feeling self-conscious ... And there's being a chimney sweep walking through Brixton. Embarrassment

#4389

I must abstain from licking windows, I'm putting the window cleaner out of business. Embarrassment

#4390

I was chatting up a girl in the pub last night, "if I could rearrange the alphabet...". " Let me guess? You'd put U and I together." she interrupted. "no" I said, " I'd be a better speller. I'm dyslexic". Embarrassment

#4391

"I told my mate that he was easily amused. But he just cracked up and shat himself." Embarrassment

#4392

"A naked girl lay on top of her boyfriend, 'something's getting big' she said. The boyfriend replied, 'Glad you finally noticed! I can barely put it in your so fat.'" Embarrassment

#4393

"When an old school friend found out my girlfriend studied at Oxford he sent me a text saying, ''OMG, that's unbelievable because I studied at Oxford too.'' Not the dictionary he didn't." Embarrassment

#4394

"I had to do a drama performance for my A-levels, except I was a bit nervous, so I took the good old Advice of picturing everyone naked. Shame my nan was in the audience." Embarrassment

#4395

"After I jokingly said to my girlfriend that her farts smell like dead babies, she totally freaked out she's acting so weird since the abortion" Embarrassment

#4396

Unfortunately it seems sneezing at the point of climax didn't release those innate Spiderman abilities I thought I had... Embarrassment

#4397

""My old man's a dustman. He wears a dustman's hat" And that's why I get Mum to pick me up from school." Embarrassment

#4398

If you sit on a toilet the other way round it's like a little chair and table where you can secretly eat and cry. Embarrassment

#4399

"The nurse came up to my hospital bed to check my pulse. "Wow." she said. "It's much faster than usual!" "That's not my wrist you're holding, nurse."" Embarrassment

#4400

"I gave my kid a smack on the bottom in the supermarket today. "You're very naughty" I shouted, as she ran off crying. Yeah, my sixteen year old hates coming out with me." Embarrassment

#4401

"I must have been about 15 the first time I went to the pub. I ordered vodka and couldn't believe I was getting served. The trouble started when the barman asked me what I wanted in it. Naively, I said "Milk and two sugars"." Embarrassment

#4402

"Angry Birds, the number one cause of hemorrhoids since 2009." Embarrassment

#4403

"My mom lost her credit card today, she accused everyone of taking it and got everyone really stressed, a Family friend asked her, after an hour of looking, if it was in her bra. Long behold she pulled it out and we all laughed at her. We never found that card.." Embarrassment

#4404

I was on my luxury yacht with my girlfriend the other week, looking at sharks swimming around us. She squealed oh my god there big would they eat me whole? I said no they would spit that bit out..! Embarrassment

#4405

"Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there. I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick, but it's great: it's got Kit Kats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it." Exercise

#4406

"Was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead." Exercise

#4407

"I have finally figured out why the missus is so fat: the shampoo she uses in the shower that runs down her body clearly says, "for extra volume and body." I'm going to recommend she uses dishwashing soap instead; it says, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."" Exercise

#4408

Treadmills get you nowhere. Exercise

#4409

"I made the mistake of buying a running machine the other day.... Haven't seen it since." Exercise

#4410

"Every morning I have a 2 mile run before breakfast. I keep forgetting to buy milk." Exercise

#4411

"My wife bought me a fitness DVD called "10 Steps to The Body You Deserve". It should be pretty easy, it takes me 4 steps just to get to the DVD player." Exercise

#4412

Does running late count as Exercise? Exercise

#4413

"I'm terrified of the gym. Every time I look at the treadmill I run a mile." Exercise

#4414

"I went for a run this morning. Not for Exercise, my girlfriend's husband just got back early. Exercise

#4415

Some people choose to go to modern gyms with Stairmasters and treadmills. I choose to go to an old fashioned gym. It has the same equipment, only women and blacks aren't allowed in. Exercise

#4416

Now don't get me wrong, I think race for life is a wonderful Charity for women. I just can't help but feel that the advert kinda gets ruined with that big fat bald bloke at the end of it..... Exercise

#4417

"I'm really out of shape Every time I fart I need a nap." Exercise

#4418

I've started a new Exercise regime. 10 reps of sit ups holding a carrot, 5 reps of squats with a corvette in each hand, and 3 reps of lifting a heavy sack of potatoes. Sadly, my efforts have so far been fruitless... Exercise

#4419

If walking is supposed to be so good for you, why does my postman look like Jabba the Hut? Exercise

#4420

"My ex-girlfriend and I met each other while running the London Marathon last year. It was a long-distance relationship." Exercise

#4421

"I don't know who came up with the idea that walking the dog is a good way to pick up woman. Whenever I'm out walking with my wife no one gives me a second look." Exercise

#4422

I got off with a fat girl at a party, my ego was crushed. Exercise

#4423

"I decided to get fit so I bought an Exercise bike, and it's great - I can go on it for hours on end. I pretend I'm going downhill and freewheel." Exercise

#4424

"I went to the gym earlier and started showing off my guns to the ladies. I'm now sat in a cell waiting for the police to charge me with possession of firearms." Exercise

#4425

"I did 10 one arm push-ups this morning, I was trying to get up off of the floor without putting down my beer." Exercise

#4426

I pulled a muscle in my neck today and I'm not sure how, i just can't get my head round it. Exercise

#4427

"John goes to work painting white lines on the motorway with a tin of paint and a brush, after the first day he accomplishes 4 mile... later that day his boss congratulates him. The next day John paints 2 mile of white lines... so his boss said, "yeh that's acceptable." On the third day he only does 1/4 of a mile... the boss says, "What's wrong you did 4 mile the first day?" John replies, "Yeh but the tin keeps getting further away"..." Exercise

#4428

"I date girls that weigh 20 stone or more. Because they are the only ones that won't run away from me." Exercise

#4429

"My Exercise instructor gave a demonstration on how to lose weight. I don't think he showed all the Exercises though. He skipped quite a lot." Exercise

#4430

"What do you call a fat I.T teacher? Megabyte" Exercise

#4431

"I did a couple of laps around the gym today. Maybe next time I'll actually park my car and go in." Exercise

#4432

"I think ankle support is really good. They make mine feel a lot better about themselves." Exercise

#4433

"My wife told me she is leaving me because I treat my fitness like a game! I nearly fell off my wii fit board!" Exercise

#4434

You know your fit when you run 20 miles and your nipples hurt more than your legs... Exercise

#4435

"Supermarkets say, they are doing their best to stop obesity. If that was true they would have only made the biscuit isle a foot wide." Exercise

#4436

I read in men's health, that the most important thing to do when doing a workout programmer is rest...I've done that for 2 years now and I am still no fitter than before! Exercise

#4437

Let us take a moment to think about all those poor people stuck in traffic on the way to the gym to spend hours on a treadmill going nowhere fast. Exercise

#4438

"I refuse to drive my Children everywhere and insist they either cycle or walk. While this has made sure they aren't overweight, the trip to the lion enclosure at Longleaf was a bit of a disaster." Exercise

#4439

Every time I take up exercising I meet new people. They are usually paramedics, but still new people. Exercise

#4440

Sometimes when I see people jogging outside, I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting "Eye of the Tiger" just to give them some motivation. Exercise

#4441

The wife's just told me that she's running away with Jim from next door. Good on her, that's the first time she's done any Exercise in 20 years. Exercise

#4442

I love watching fat people run. All 2 seconds of it. Exercise

#4443

"It's been a hard struggle, but I'm just one day away from John O'Groats! I should get there tomorrow if I turn back now." Exercise

#4444

My wife just got me an Exercise machine and apparently it's not our new born son. Exercise

#4445

"Just made a keep-fit -video for the elderly. I'm calling it "Pumping rust!"" Exercise

#4446

power walking looks a lot like people who have taken too many laxatives, and just realized they ain't gonna make it home in time! Exercise

#4447

"The Gym A place for girls to find strong bloke's with big muscles. The Gym A place for men to find fat, chubby girls." Exercise

#4448

"Man found dead; Killed by weight he was attempting to lift. On the upside, no need for the Family to go elsewhere for a memorial bench." Exercise

#4449

"I did double my morning Exercise this morning... Must stop forgetting things upstairs." Exercise

#4450

I like picking fights with myself............... the make-up masturbation is great Exercise

#4451

"My wife has been fitness mad lately and to make her Exercise more fun she asked me to buy her some of those Hoola Hoops. I wasn't sure on which flavour so I just got the least fattening." Exercise

#4452

"What's the biggest Difference between men and women? What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."" Family

#4453

"I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning. She's still too young to understand what I was doing, though." Family

#4454

"Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realized he was the favorite twin." Family

#4455

"One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one's arm were too short to reach." Family

#4456

"My daughter came around the other day. So I grabbed a shovel and knocked her straight back out again." Family

#4457

"My wife and I really weren't expecting a baby, and then BAM...! One smacks right into the windscreen." Family

#4458

"I'm going to take a picture of my firstborn and use age progression software to figure out what he'll look like when he's 16. Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centerpiece in our house, something he'll grow up looking at. Then when the appropriate time comes, he will realize that the picture is actually of him, then I am going to try and convince him that he is a time traveler." Family

#4459

"On the sofa with my wife last night: Me: Honey, you remind me of an onion. Wife: Because I have so many layers to my personality? Me: No... Wife: Oh, OK, something stupid like you'll cry when you slice me up? Me: No... Wife: OK, OK, you'd prefer it if I was battered? Me: No... Wife: You either love me or hate me? I'm good in small doses? I can be overpowering?... Me: No... Wife: Oh, alright, why then? Me: You smell of onion." Family

#4460

"My wife accused me of hating her Family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."" Family

#4461

"I got my son a stripper for his birthday. My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day he turns 4." Family

#4462

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick your cigarette out the window, and you drive for a couple more miles, and you smell something funny, and you look over into the back seat, and sure enough............ Grandma's fingering herself again! Family

#4463

Today, I found out that my father named me Luke so he could say, "Luke, I am your father" and laugh about it. Family

#4464

"I said to my parents, "Mum, Dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on." "Okay, cool," they replied. "Your luggage is outside," I added." Family

#4465

""Mummy, can I lick the bowl?" "No, you can flush like everyone else"" Family

#4466

"As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said, "Dan, I've failed you as a mother." "Mum, my name is Dave."" Family

#4467

"My wife thinks I'm weird for inviting my 10 year-old sons' girlfriend around to our house for dinner. Apparently I should have invited my wife and son as well." Family

#4468

"My daughter's school teacher rang me today. "Young Sarah didn't turn up for school today?" he said. "I know, her mother died yesterday," I replied. "So she won't be back for a while." "Sorry to hear that," he sighed. "How's she getting on?" "Very well," I replied. "She's on her third lot of laundry and has already prepared dinner."" Family

#4469

I just started to rummage through my teenage sister's knickers drawer then quickly realized I was doing something totally wrong - I should check the laundry basket first. Family

#4470

"My daughter was running a temperature so I rang the doctor. He asked was she hot. I said, "Well, with a little make-up..."" Family

#4471

Unlike some people on Sickipedia, I am not tempted by incest and paedophilia. My daughter is too precious. And ugly. Family

#4472

"My wife came home to find me sniffing my daughter's knickers the other day. Wouldn't have been so bad if my daughter wasn't wearing them at the time!" Family

#4473

"I was giving my daughter a bath last night. She looked up at me, all covered in soapy suds and said, "Dad, I'm 16. I can do it myself."" Family

#4474

Seeing grandparents at Christmas is brilliant; it reminds you that, no matter how bad you get, there's always someone more racist than you. Family

#4475

"Whenever I eat out at McDonald's, I like to have a Happy Meal... So I leave the wife and kids at home." Family

#4476

"When a man holds a car door open for his wife... ...it's either a new car or a new wife." Family

#4477

"My old man always used to say to me, " Son, when one door closes, another one always opens." I guess that's why we got burgled so often." Family

#4478

"Got no comeback for that one have you mate? Well if you want my come back, just wipe it off your mum's chin!" Family

#4479

"For about ten years now, it's been my job to give my gran her pill every day. She hates taking her pill, so I mix it in with her morning coffee. It's tedious making coffee and putting the pill in every morning, but if she got pregnant I'd never forgive myself." Family

#4480

"She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast when he walked in. She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."" Family

#4481

"When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time, it's hard not to think to yourself... "I've licked your daughter's nipples."" Family

#4482

"We had some people round today, collecting for the old people's home. I'm gonna miss me old Gran!" Family

#4483

"My daughter accused me of being a bad father. I don't know how she can say that... ...she's hardly ever met me." Family

#4484

"What have Chlamydia and a cheating husband got in common? My wife has both of them and doesn't know about it yet." Family

#4485

"A husband and wife are sitting round the table with their three daughters eating dinner when the oldest of the three asks her parents, "Why was I named Daisy?" "Well," said her mother, "when you were born a daisy flew in threw the window and gently landed on your forehead so we thought it would be nice to name you after it." The middle daughter then says, "So why am I called Rose?" "Well," said her mother, "when you were born a rose flew in threw the window and gently landed on your forehead so we thought it would be nice to name you after it." The daughter smiles and continues to eat her dinner. A few minutes later the youngest of the three says, "mnnnnnuugughhhh hhmmmmddssssssggggtuuuu tgnngnnnnammj!" The mother says to her, "Oh shut up Brick!"" Family

#4486

"My daughter has some flawless logic. She said "The world can't end in 2012; I have a yoghurt that expires in 2013."" Family

#4487

"When I was 15 my parents told me I was adopted. And that I would be meeting my new parents that afternoon. Family

#4488

I recently traced my Family tree... It was easier, I'm rubbish at drawing. Family

#4489

"MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT when the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in 20, even though it's only for 32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay 2 for a 1 item he needs. A woman will pay 1 for a 2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS a woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS a successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, Children. A woman knows all about her Children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite's foods, secret fears and hopes and Dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY a married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing." Family

#4490

"Ahhh memories. I remember my mother used to say "There's a train coming, there's a train coming" when she fed me. I used to gobble up the food. Well if I didn't she wouldn't untie me from the tracks." Family

#4491

"I read somewhere that 37 is too old to still be living with your parents. It was on a note, in my bedroom." Family

#4492

"My old Granddad used to say, "Fight fire with fire." It's no wonder the fire brigade sacked him." Family

#4493

"During an argument with my Granddad, he screamed, "You'd be speaking German if it wasn't for me!" I said, "Hang on, you didn't fight in the war." "I know that," he replied, "But I told you to choose French for your languages GCSE, remember?"" Family

#4494

My 8 year old son got the Sims for Christmas, he was showing me around his house where he showed me his wife sleeping in her bed, in the kitchen. I'm so proud of that boy. Family

#4495

I always put my coat on to answer the door just in case it's any of my in-laws, then I can say; "Sorry, I was just on my way out" and barge past them. Family

#4496

"When I was younger my Grandma used to rub lard into my Grandpa's back when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that." Family

#4497

"In case you wondered, Father's Day is to thank Dad for nailing your mother. Mother's Day is to thank Mum for not swallowing you." Family

#4498

Today I realized that I had succeeded as a father, I caught my son watching a Pixie Lott song on mute. Family

#4499

I come from a really poor Family, we never had any money. If I hadn't been a boy, I'd never have had anything to play with. Family

#4500

"It's my son's first school nativity play today, and it's the proudest day of my life. I've finally won the Champion's League on Football Manager. I can't wait till he gets home from school so I can tell him about it." Family

#4501

"My Granddad always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day, while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my Granddad." Family

#4502

"Just dropped my little one off at the school gates. Don't know why. He works nowhere near the school." Family

#4503

"I'm not a violent person and I certainly don't agree with hitting kids. I've never laid a single finger on my son. I've stuck a couple up my daughter though." Family

#4504

""Daddy, why is mum zigzagging down the garden?" "Quiet son, I'm trying to aim."" Family

#4505

"When my older brother and I were little we were always playing Robin Hood. Only thing was, he was always Robin Hood and I had to be Little John. After a while I got sick of this and told him I wasn't playing any more. "Ok" he said. "We'll play a different game and you can be Robin." "Brilliant" I said. "Who are you gonna be?" "Batman" he said." Family

#4506

"During a blazing row with my youngest son, he turned to me and screamed, "I wish I was adopted". Well, it's taken six months and a lot of paperwork, but finally I've managed to make his wish come true." Family

#4507

"My husband wanted a campervan. So I had his white van spray painted pink!" Family

#4508

A 54 year old accountant informs his wife he is leaving her for an 18 year old girl. His wife, also 54 informs him that she also has a new 18 year old partner and being an accountant he must realize that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 into 18. Family

#4509

"Two old ladies are having a cigarette outside the old folk's home and it starts to rain. One of them suddenly pulls a condom out of her handbag, unravels it and puts it over the cigarette so it doesn't get wet. "Ooh, what's that, Betty?" the other asks. "It's called a condom, they sell them at the chemist's dear," she answers. So the other goes to the chemist's and, when asked for a condom by such an elderly lady and seeing an opportunity for mirth, the young oink behind the counter smirks and asks, "so what would you like, a ribbed one, a French tickler, flavored?" "Oh, I don't mind, dear, as long as it fits a Camel."" Family

#4510

"A young boy comes home with an armchair under each arm and a sofa strapped to his back. His father is furious and says, "how many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers?"" Family

#4511

"I hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her Facebook status to 'single'. I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time, you don't see me changing my status to 'orphan'." Family

#4512

"If your parents never had Children, chances are you won't either." Family

#4513

There's nothing more awkward than beating your Family on a Wii game that requires the remote to be vigorously jerked back and forth, only for your mother to ask you "Have you been practicing? Family

#4514

"When I asked my Gran what she wanted for Christmas, she replied, "The best present I could ask for is to be surrounded by my friends." Well, we've just got back from the cemetery and she doesn't seem too happy." Family

#4515

"I was mortified when my son caught me walking around the bedroom in high heels and women's underwear. I don't know why, I'm his mother." Family

#4516

"My parents couldn't tell the time. When I'd come home from a date, they'd always say, "Do you have any idea what time it is?"" Family

#4517

"I and my Family buried my Grandma this morning... Her jokes just weren't good enough" Family

#4518

"On a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stiff. You set yourself apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."" Family

#4519

"At the age of six I was left an orphan. What kind of idiot gives an orphan to a six-year-old?" Family

#4520

"I have had the mother in law down for the weekend. I'll put her back on the roof tomorrow." Family

#4521

"My missus accused me of caring more about my fantasy football team than my own kids. In my defense, I had Rio Ferdinand, John Terry, Ashley Cole and Glen Johnson." Family

#4522

"My teenage daughter slipped in the shower today. She should be thankful I was there to catch her." Family

#4523

"I picked up a filthy little slag last night. That's the last time my daughter uses me as a taxi service." Family

#4524

"I'm sure my daughter is going to grow up to be a slapper. I took her to the dentists yesterday and he said, 'open wide.' She said, 'I can't - there's arms on the chair.'" Family

#4525

"When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one. So one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage. I got some wood and some nails... And beat my parents to death. My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards." Family

#4526

My mother-in-law said to me, "never put off till tomorrow what you can do today." So I killed her. Family

#4527

""Sit up straight at the dinner table!" said my wife to my son. "Why?" he asked. "Dad doesn't." "That's because he's spineless," she replied. I really should say something but I don't want to cause a fuss." Family

#4528

"Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of oils and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the 'John Constable of Jail'. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?" He grinned, pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, skiing, roller-skating......"" Family

#4529

"My dad's in a coma. He's living the dream." Family

#4530

Welcome to the Family Planning Clinic; please use the rear entrance Family

#4531

"My father in law handed me a note on my wedding day saying, "Goods delivered are non-returnable." I handed it back and said, "Contract void if seal is broken."" Family

#4532

A woman's mind is just like a Rubik's cube... Much easier to figure out when you smash it to pieces with a brick. Family

#4533

"A wife says to her husband, "You make love like you decorate." Her husband replies, "What, very slow and professional?" "No," she replies, "I have to finish myself."" Family

#4534

"Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the landlord: "Don't mind us, were joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers: draft, please." The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't us, Jim?" Jim agrees. "Ah, England!" says the landlord. "Wonderful country: the history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that British stuff," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English!" "So why keep going to England?" asks the landlord. "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."" Family

#4535

"Top Tip: Forget rip off sites like Friends Reunited and Genes Reunited. If you want to get in contact with long lost friends or relatives... Simply win the lottery." Family

#4536

"My wife and her sister are twins and look alike in almost every way. Her sister lives with us. One time I came home from work to find her in the shower so I got undressed got into the shower with her, started touching her and said, "How about some quiet one-on-one time without your sister being home?" Then I realised I had made a terrible mistake. It was my wife." Family

#4537

"Those footsteps on the roof can mean only one thing! My dad's gone and joined fathers for justice..." Family

#4538

"I was asked to describe my relationship with my father... "Beats me," I replied." Family

#4539

the Difference between me and you is you came out of your mum, and I came in her Family

#4540

"I went to see my daughter's ballet dancing show yesterday and ended up getting thrown out. To be fair, I shouldn't have stuffed money down the front of her Tutu, but she was good." Family

#4541

"Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure." Family

#4542

"There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."" Family

#4543

An alcoholic is sitting outside his home after just being divorced, and notices a crate of empty beer bottles. He takes out an empty bottle and smashes it into the wall screaming, "You are the reason I don't have a WIFE now". He smashes the second bottle screaming, "You are the reason I don't have my Children!" He smashes the third bottle screaming, "You are the reason I don't have a job!". Then he notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer and says, "Stand aside my friend. I know you weren't involved." Family

#4544

"I was driving on the motorway last week when I noticed a sign that said "Turn off - 500 metres". Sure enough, 500 metres later, on the side of the road was my Granny with no knickers, lifting up her dress." Family

#4545

"My Jewish friend makes his wife walk five steps behind him, in case he drops any money." Family

#4546

""Dad, can you do my math homework for me?" "No son, it wouldn't be right." "Well, at least you could try."" Family

#4547

Parents. It's people like them that give us a bad name. Family

#4548

"My wife and I have been arguing about whether we should spank our six-year-old daughter or not. I say yes and my wife says I should wait until she's done something wrong." Family

#4549

"My Granddad was telling me how hard it was at Dunkirk. Trying to get to the beach in double-quick time before the boats left wasn't easy: the terrain was rough and he really hadn't got to grips with his new Panzer tank at all." Family

#4550

"I gave my dad an 'e' now he's dead." Family

#4551

"It's amazing how having a baby can change some people. My wife used to be quite attractive." Family

#4552

"A man is walking along a beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie thanks the man for freeing him and says, "I will grant you three wishes. But I am a cursed genie, so your mother-in-law will get double what you wish for." The guy agrees and says," For my first wish, I want a luxury yacht." The genie says," Your wish is my command!" and poof! A luxury yacht appears, and at the same moment, two yachts appear at his mother-in-law's house. "And for your second wish?" the genie asks. The guy says, "I wish for 10,000,000." "Your wish is my command!" the genie says. And poof! A pile of 10,000,000 appears in front of the man and at the same moment 20,000,000 appears in his mother-in-law's bank account. The genie says, "Now, this is your third and final wish, choose carefully." "I wish there was a guy here who will beat me half to death."" Family

#4553

"Earlier tonight I woke up to the horror of my house on fire. I hurriedly woke the kids, grabbed the dog & we made our way downstairs. "Shush now kids, be quiet" I said as I let them out. "We don't want to wake your mother"" Family

#4554

"What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car." Family

#4555

"One of my daughters suffers from a terrible nut allergy. She's ok with the bell-end and shaft, but she starts to choke and her eyes water when I force my nuts in her mouth as well." Family

#4556

"I bought the Mother-in-Law a lovely chair for her birthday. If she'd only plug it in..." Family

#4557

"A wife walks in and says to her husband; "I've some good news and some bad news!" "What's the good news?" asks hubby. "The air bag on your brand new Audi works fine!"" Family

#4558

"What do hillbillies do at Halloween? Pumpkin." Family

#4559

"My wife said to me, "I always get wet when I bath the kids" I said, "I know what you mean, I always get an erection."" Family

#4560

""Mummy, Mummy! Why do they call me spastic at school?" "Shut up and take your feet out of your pockets."" Family

#4561

"My son said that for his birthday he wanted some cars to play with. So I've just dropped him off on the M25." Family

#4562

"Bill took his dog to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?" Bill replied, "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she is welcome."" Family

#4563

"My ex-husband was buried today... Finally, a hole he can actually fill." Family

#4564

When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Family

#4565

"Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away. "Jonny, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't have to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."" Family

#4566

""Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet?" "Yes, Johnny, I'll take you in a minute..." "Can Granny take me?" "Why?" "Her hand shakes."" Family

#4567

I always wanted to be a comedian as a child. My Dad told me I should practice in the bath, so I did. The bad thing is, he said the same thing to my brother. He was an electrician. Family

#4568

"I saved my daughter from choking this morning. I just fancied a hand job." Family

#4569

"I hate my Mum walking with me to school every day, Oh well, she'll be old enough to drive soon." Family

#4570

"Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing." Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."" Family

#4571

"I've recently been encouraging my sixteen year old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education. Last week she came home with five applications and later that night I read them. Under "previous employment", she listed, "babysitter". Under "reason for leaving", she wrote, "they came home"." Family

#4572

"My Grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. "Two quid for a cup of tea?!" I said, "Well you just popped round, I didn't invite you!"" Family

#4573

"I was talking man to man with my 18 year old son when I said, "You'll have kids of your own one day." He replied, "So will you, dad."" Family

#4574

"I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, no more payments! So I called my daughter, Jane, to come over to my house. When she got there, I said to her, "I want you to take this last cheque over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last cheque she's ever going to get from me. And I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face." So Jane took the cheque over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say. As Jane walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?" "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face."" Family

#4575

"My son is at that age when he's started crawling. You know the age, "You're the best dad, can I have a tenner?"" Family

#4576

"I saw the photos of his kids on my boss's desk- "You must feel blessed to have two beautiful Children," I told him. "Well, actually I've got three kids," he answered. "I know," I said." Family

#4577

"The other day, I visited an old people's home as part of my community service. I asked one of the old men, "How do you feel living here?" He replied, "I feel like a new born baby." I thought, "How wonderful," and asked him, "Why do you feel that way?" To which he replied, "I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just shat myself."" Family

#4578

"Looking forward to rear of the year. I'm entering my sisters." Family

#4579

"I walked in from work today and my wife looked upset in a panic. "Our daughter's been missing since 8 o'clock this morning," she wept. "It's 9pm now!" "Quick, phone the police," I said. "And throw me the car keys." "Call me if you find her," she cried, as I walked out the door. "Sure will," I replied. "But I doubt she's gonna turn up at Dave's on poker night."" Family

#4580

"My teenage daughter had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then hung up. "That was quick," I said. "You usually talk for at least two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number," she replied." Family

#4581

"My Granddad is going senile. When he saw a sign saying "Wet Floor". He did!!!" Family

#4582

"'Brave girl, 7, has body of a granny' two fantasies rolled into one." Family

#4583

"When is Mother's Day? Nine months after Father's Night." Family

#4584

"Today I asked the missus if she fancied going to see a romantic film then maybe having a nice meal somewhere. She seemed really excited. "Sounds fantastic! How thoughtful of you!" "Great," I said. "There's thirty quid. I'll see you in a few hours, I'm going to the pub."" Family

#4585

"My stepson has thrown a tantrum and accused me of favoritism towards my own daughter, Chloe. I'd send him to his room in the outhouse if it hadn't already been converted into a stable for Chloe's new pony." Family

#4586

"I arrived home to find the police waiting for me. "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but your wife is dead." said an officer. "She went to the bakery, bought two pies, ate one and then dropped dead. "What happened to the other pie?" I asked." Family

#4587

It's nice in the sun. But it's even nicer in the daughter Family

#4588

"My great-great-great-granddad invented the Cold Air Balloon. It was a decent idea but, for some reason, it never really took off" Family

#4589

"When my dad left my mum, he said something that really moved me. He said, "I've sold the house, pack your bags by Friday."" Family

#4590

"Dear Agony Aunt, I've recently started dating a 46 year old woman, and she has 2 kids. I've also started sleeping with her 20 year old daughter. I don't need any Advice, I just thought I'd let you know. Max." Family

#4591

"Researchers at Sterling University have found that parents who joke and play 'pretend' games with their Children help them to form valuable social skills for life. So I've told my kids I'm taking them to Disneyland next week." Family

#4592

"Did you keep the receipt for the dog food you got yesterday? Isn't the best way to break the news to your wife that her dog is dead?" Family

#4593

"My parents hated me as a child. One Christmas I opened my present to find an empty shoe box. They told me it was an action man deserter." Family

#4594

"My father was really keen on all the outdoor pursuits like hunting and fishing so I'll always remember the last words he said to me before he died. "Be careful where you're pointing that gun"." Family

#4595

"After saying I didn't want to go and see my mother-in-law in hospital, my wife said I needed to sort my priorities out. So I filed for divorce, got drunk and went to watch the football." Family

#4596

I honestly do think that my daughter's new mini-skirt looks rather tight and revealing, but I like to wear it anyway... Family

#4597

My wife and I have recently discovered that our teenage daughter is a compulsive liar. Sounds like a great 'get out of jail free card' to me. Family

#4598

Why do old people always have the heating on full blast even in summertime? Went to see my granny yesterday and sure enough it must have been 90 degrees in her house. The poor old dear was dripping sweat. Mind you, at least I didn't have to lube her up... Family

#4599

"My mother-in-law was always nagging. She said I would never make anything of myself. So I strangled her and made myself a murderer." Family

#4600

"My child was complaining to me about how he didn't want to go visit his grandma. I told him to shut up and continue digging." Family

#4601

"When I was a little girl, I and my twin had it tough. Our mother would dress us in identical clothes. I didn't mind too much but my twin hated it, especially when the boys used to look up his skirt to see what colour knickers he was wearing." Family

#4602

"Did you hear about the man who fell into a machine at the upholstery factory? Luckily, he's fully recovered" Family

#4603

Your mom is so hairy she makes King Kong look like a cancer patient. Family

#4604

"I love bouncing my mother-in-law on my knee. Sticking her in a football is more fun than an urn." Family

#4605

"My friends think I'm a terrible Dad when I fob my Children off with, "Go and ask your Mother". It just gives me an hour or so to myself while they go to her grave." Family

#4606

"A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."" Family

#4607

"Everytime I look at my daughter, I remember Joseph Fritzl and think: "I could do that!"" Family

#4608

"A man went into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. When it was placed before him he exclaimed, "My goodness: an ice cube with a hole in it, that's new." "No it isn't," commented a sullen looking man sitting next to him, "I married one."" Family

#4609

"My teenage daughter has just told me she is pregnant, even though she took precautions. I took precautions too. I swapped her birth control pills with Rohypnol." Family

#4610

"I am such a loser that I took my sister out for dinner on Valentine's Day. Still got laid, though." Family

#4611

"My dad is brilliant. He always used to let me have a beer when my mum went out. For my 40th birthday he let me have two." Family

#4612

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives. Family

#4613

"I was named after my grandfather. Well I wasn't going to be named before him, was I?" Family

#4614

When I was a kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. Family

#4615

"I like taking my 6 year-old daughter to swimming lessons. As a parent, I think it's a vital skill that could save her life one day. But for now, I'll enjoy the camel-toe." Family

#4616

"I've just found out I've got a three year old daughter! My wife says I need to be a bit more attentive round the house." Family

#4617

""Mummy, Mummy, can't we give Jane's baby a proper funeral?" "Shut up and keep flushing!"" Family

#4618

"Why are men with pierced ears more suited to marriage? Because they have already experienced pain and bought jewelry." Family

#4619

"Just found out my dad used to work for Johnny Cash! Collecting the money from condom machines." Family

#4620

I grew up without having a dad and it made me mature quicker, more independent and stronger. That's why I'm ditching my kids, it's for their own good. Family

#4621

"Went on a pleasure trip last weekend. Drove my mother-in-law to the airport." Family

#4622

"I remember when I was a kid, I was at a Family dinner. There was this huge chocolate cake for after's. I couldn't take my eyes off it. My Granddad saw me and said, "go on, no-one's looking." I said, "are you sure?" "Course I'm sure," he replied. So I whacked him in the mouth." Family

#4623

"My son tragically lost his life over the weekend. He got his finger stuck in a ring." Family

#4624

"When are a mother-in-law and a beer both at their best? When they're cold, on a table and opened up." Family

#4625

Your mum's so fat that I wouldn't be surprised if it caused her some minor health problems, or even some troubles in her day-to-day running of things. She may also suffer from lack of confidence, self-esteem issues and/or minor depression. I would suggest for her to get some counselling. Family

#4626

"After some deliberation I've decided to think generous this Christmas and so I'm going to give each member of my Family a cheque for 1,000 I haven't actually got any money in my account, but they do say it's the thought that counts." Family

#4627

"GMTV are running a story about how school teachers are no longer allowed to apply sun cream to school Children in summer for fear of prosecution from parents. Similar stories say that careers aren't allowed to rub cream into the elderly either. They're all outraged and say its political correctness gone mad. Well I can second their arguments. I was liberally applying sun cream to my next door neighbor's 15 year old daughter's chest and I'm now facing a prison sentence and/or a security tag. When will this madness end?!?" Family

#4628

"Went to the planetarium with my Family this afternoon. Imagine my wife's surprise when she discovered she's not the centre of the universe!" Family

#4629

"It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his Family. "And what does your Daddy do?" "He's a magician." "That must be exciting" What tricks can he do?" "He can saw people in half." "That is clever. And, tell me, do you have any brothers or sisters?" "Yes, one half-brother and two-half-sisters."" Family

#4630

""Mummy, Mummy, can I get pregnant?" "Of course not, Susie, you're only 7." "Right lads, same again!"" Family

#4631

"I woke up this morning to my wife standing over me. "Happy birthday!" she burst out. "Guess where we're going tonight?" "Where? Where?" I asked, with delight. "Spain! For a week!" she winked. "The kids as well?" I said, smile spread across my face. "Oh yes," she giggled. "You're the best!" I replied. "When do you leave?"" Family

#4632

"The wife asked me to take the Mother in Law out last night....... a good right hook did the trick!" Family

#4633

"Dead. Carlsberg don't do mother-in-laws..." Family

#4634

A Mother was arguing with her teenage daughter when she finally reaches breaking point and blurts out, "I should have swallowed you when I had the chance!" Family

#4635

My friend's son is now a green belt at karate. I presume that means you can't build houses on him. Family

#4636

"I am a responsible parent. I give my kids safety matches to play with." Family

#4637

"What rises 8 inches when my wife gets in at night? The water level in the bath." Family

#4638

"What do women call masturbation? Finishing the job." Family

#4639

"I'm so lucky to be surrounded by such an honest and loving Family. I think it's because of this, no one has died since I was born. Would you believe my rabbit is 54 years old today? Though I do wish grandma would come back from her 25 year cruise." Family

#4640

""Mummy, where do babies come from?" "Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside mummies." "Do mummies eat it?" "Only if they want new shoes."" Family

#4641

When I saw your mum crossing the road, I ran out of petrol trying to drive around her. Family

#4642

"They say that you should never go back to a firework once it's been lit. Our back garden's been out of bounds since 1997." Family

#4643

"A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The priest noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the priest later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'" The men would ask, "'You want to sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" Family

#4644

Athletes run in my Family. Family

#4645

"My wife accuses me of being petty and Childish. I said to her, "Your MUM is petty and Childish."" Family

#4646

"My daughter is doing her masters at university. Well, let's face it, that's the only way she's going to get decent marks." Family

#4647

"I've just seen an ad saying, "If your Dad was having a stroke, could you tell?" I couldn't help think... 'Well he was until I was 12 and he made it perfectly clear what would happen if I told'." Family

#4648

"I decided to trace my Family tree and was very disappointed with the results. I come from a long line of dead people." Family

#4649

"Mummy, Mummy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men? Shut up and get back in the oven." Family

#4650

"Just as mom walks through the door, little Jonny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each other's clothes and laid down on the bed...'' The mother interrupts him. ''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.'' The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??'' The mother turns to Jonny and says '' tell daddy exactly what you told me today!'' ''I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other's clothes off and laid down on the bed...just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer." Family

#4651

"Three women were sitting around talking about their husband's performance as a lover. The first woman says, "My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and chocolates before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."" Family

#4652

"Top Tip! Tired of sleeping with the same wife? Simply lie on top of her until she goes numb, and Hey Presto! She'll feel like someone else's wife." Family

#4653

"Why do bald men have holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair." Family

#4654

"Life's great at the minute, I've got a big house, new sports car, a lovely wife and 3 great kids... They're not mine of course, but hey, finder's keepers..." Family

#4655

"My dad was a man of few words. I remember he once said to me, "Son"." Family

#4656

"When my three-year-old son opened a birthday present from his granddad, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I turned to my dad and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" My dad smiled and simply replied, "I most certainly do."" Family

#4657

My daughter said she wanted to get loads of piercings, so to save on money I made her bath the cat. Family

#4658

"Has anyone else noticed that the most evil and infamous men in history have sported moustaches? Adolf Hitler, Joseph Fritzl, Saddam Huessein... Super Mario..." Family

#4659

"I've been doing some research into my Family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator. Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said." Family

#4660

My dad gave me some great Advice when I was younger. When I was 14, he sat me down, said, "Someday you're going to meet a girl who's going to be so right and so wonderful and so perfect that you're not even going to haggle over the price." Family

#4661

"My wife came home yesterday and burst into the room and without explanation said she wanted a divorce and threw me out of the house straight afterwards. I was left with only the clothes I stood up in . . . . . . Our daughter's bra and panties!" Family

#4662

"Not really a joke but i thought it was quite funny, I was walking home the other day and in one of the gardens was a man sitting down in a sunbed reading the paper with a cup of tea. Next to him his wife was mowing the lawn. I should have saluted the man really." Family

#4663

Your Mom's so black, she went to night school and got marked absent Family

#4664

"I remember dad coming home, telling mum the factory was closing and there'd be no more work. Then he sat down in his chair and screamed at the top of his voice - it was possibly the wrong moment to have played the drawing pin on the seat gag." Family

#4665

Relatively speaking........I'm your cousin Family

#4666

My Daughter and I have a really close relationship and she can get very emotional...sometimes when we're alone she gets a lump in her throat. Family

#4667

"I was just about to head off to the shop one day when my gran asked for some plums. Being the polite young man I am, I proceeded to teabag her." Family

#4668

"A young boy comes running up to a policeman and says "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Sure enough, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe. The cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father?" The kid looks up at the cop and replies "I don't know, officer - that's what they're fighting about."" Family

#4669

"I'll never forgive my father for the mug he gave me on my birthday. I'd much rather have inherited my mother's features." Family

#467

"A farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his hairy face, he had his photo taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?" Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"" Family

#4671

"I vividly recall my Grandfather and me digging a hole in the back garden and filling it with water. Ah, yes. I remember that well." Family

#4672

"My new television has parental control. I'm going to use it to get my mum to make me a sandwich." Family

#4673

"All my Lego figures are violent, alcoholic drug users. Maybe it's because they come from broken homes." Family

#4674

"I tried to register for phone banking, but couldn't set it up. I was adopted and don't know my mother's maiden name." Family

#4675

I went to my girlfriend's house for tea yesterday. When she blamed her farts on her Dog I just had to laugh.... I'd just run him over in the drive way! Family

#4676

"I take my daughter everywhere. But she always finds her way home." Family

#4677

"I had a big row with the wife last night. She said, "You don't love me anymore full stop!" I said, "You're wrong \- I don't love you anymore exclamation mark!"" Family

#4678

"It's important that you remember your elderly relatives in this cold winter weather. Pop round, open a few windows and think of the inheritance." Family

#4679

"After years of resentment between me and my mother-in-law, I've finally developed an attachment for her. It fits over her mouth and stops her breathing." Family

#4680

"My wife's a real peach! Round and hairy." Family

#4681

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. Family

#4682

Ladbrokes should be called Broke lads Family

#4683

"First, we were hunter gatherers, collecting mushrooms, nuts and berries from the jungle floor. Then, we became scavengers, eating the remains of the kills of carnivores. Then, we became hunters and we learned to kill for ourselves with primitive bows and spears. Then we discovered fire and at last we could cook our food. ...And then my parents separated and I was taken into care!" Family

#4684

"My sister walked in with a smile on her face holding hands with some bloke she had just met. She said, "Guess what mum, my date didn't show up but it turned out for the best." My mum asked, "Oh that's nice hun, who's the lucky guy?" I said, "The one that didn't show."" Family

#4685

"My gran's one of those people who thinks a cup of tea is the answer to everything. And the daft bat still wonders why she didn't get past the first round of Mastermind." Family

#4686

"Sometimes I make my daughter do things she does understand and doesn't like. Tidying her bedroom, for example." Family

#4687

"WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST she's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk cArton." Family

#4688

I DONT think I'm very good in bed. My husband never said anything but after we made love he would take a piece of chalk and outline my body. Family

#4689

"My daughter's been really well behaved today after I made her sit on the naughty step yesterday. Admittedly it was the top step of a twenty foot ladder." Family

#4690

"I said, "Father, I've been thinking . . My brother Mohammed is so good at math and my sister Zainab, so gifted on the piano. Yet I am useless at everything. Was I adopted?" He said, "Why would you think that, Clive?"" Family

#4691

"'Hey Dad, do you know any jokes?' 'Sure Son, go ask your mother what she does for a living'" Family

#4692

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I am 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me. Family

#4693

"My girlfriend said I'm turning into her dad. To be fair, he shouldn't stand in the middle of our driveway like that." Family

#4694

"It was tough growing up with strict parents as a deaf kid. At meal times I was always told off for speaking with my hands full." Family

#4695

"A little bit of domestic abuse never hurt anyone... Well...no one that mattered anyway." Family

#4696

"My philosophy on life is to ignore things until they go away. Apparently this is an unacceptable approach to parenting." Family

#4697

"I remember as a child going round granddad's house on the weekends to pump iron. I still think that's a funny name for a dog." Family

#4698

I wouldn't say my mother was a nosey old cow, but she's just applied to go on Mastermind with the specialist subject: The comings and goings at our neighbor's house - 1830 to half past midnight. Family

#4699

"After carrying my daughter Amy out of the burning house I knew I had to go back in. I fought my way through the flames, kicked the door of the bathroom down and saw my ginger son unconscious in the empty room. At which point I realized that Amy must have left her Barbie in the car so I went back outside." Family

#4700

I was brought up by a Family of Bulimics. Family

#4701

"Since my kids stopped believing in Santa, things have become quite awkward. They now know it's me that doesn't buy them presents." Family

#4702

Its funny how your parents tell you it's their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too. Family

#4703

"My dad's recently been hitting the booze every night. I like to call him alcopop" Family

#4704

My daughter looks so cute in a little sailor's suit! The salty spray in her hair... Family

#4705

My mother in law was due home yesterday from her holiday in Athens. I've had my fingers crossed all night. Family

#4706

"It's the mother in law's funeral tomorrow. She's only gone and cancelled it" Family

#4707

"I've been trying to research my Family history, then I found a web site that does it all for you. Its simple just enter a few personal details and... ....Bob's your uncle." Family

#4708

"I'd been trying to settle down with one girlfriend for several years; however the problem mainly was that my mum didn't like any of the girls I brought home. Brunettes were too dull, blonde's too stupid, redheads too fiery. However, one day I met a girl who was exactly the same as my mum in personality and looks (except a bit younger). I took her home and my dad didn't like her!" Family

#4709

"How many blokes does it take to change a light bulb? Three; one to change it, and two to listen while he brags about how he screwed it." Family

#4710

"I always know when my daughter is masturbating in her bedroom. It shows up on the spy cam." Family

#4711

"I told my daughter I was going to give up smoking. She said, "You'll never do it, you don't have the willpower." "I think you'll find I have incredible willpower, which is the only reason you're still a virgin," I replied." Family

#4712

"I brought my kids some crayons yesterday... It was a present to make my kin scrawl. Family

#4713

"We may have our Differences, but I do sometimes envy the mother-in-law. She always could grow a moustache faster than me." Family

#4714

The other day the wife said to me "Its obvious women are smArter than men. Think about it! Diamonds are a girl's best friend; man's best friend is a dog." to which I replied "let's see a diamond rescue you when your drowning". That wiped the smug look off her face. Family

#4715

"I am the youngest of 3 in my Family. My mum and dad are much older than me" Family

#4716

"Got a 'pony' for my 11 year-old daughter yesterday. Pretty disappointing really, I had expected to get at least 200 quid for her. Mind you, I might have done if she'd still been a virgin!" Family

#4717

"My wife woke me up in the early hours saying can you hear something I thinks it's a burglar go and see. I replied it might be a rapist you go and see." Family

#4718

Live off your parents until you can live off your Children. Family

#4719

"Man sells his award winning Doberman pinscher for 20. When asked why he replied. It attacked and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don't need it anymore." Family

#4720

I was watching TV with the wife in the lounge. I could hear my daughters making a right racket in their bedroom. I shouted, "Knock it off! Don't make me come, down there". My wife turned to me and said "They're upstairs dear", I think she misunderstood what I was threatening them with. Family

#4721

"When I was a kid I lived for football - I was either playing football or watching football. My dad said, "I think I'll be watching you run out at Stamford Bridge when you're grown up". He was so wrong - he got hit by a bus a week later." Family

#4722

"I'm always dead awkward around relatives, I can never say the right thing. Just the other day my gran said 'Look! You're growing a beard!' Apparently, 'So are you' is not an appropriate response." Family

#4723

"I just hit my wife with a memory foam pillow. She'll never forget it!" Family

#4724

"The camera in my daughter's bathroom is for safety purposes only. I can't risk going on those websites anymore." Family

#4725

"My wife's dinners melt in my mouth. I wish she'd defrost them first." Family

#4726

Being called 'cool' by your parents is like being called 'fashionable' by someone wearing a potato sack Family

#4727

"The school said my son is really clever and could end up being a scientist! I wonder where he gets that from. I'll ask the milkman - he's in Mensa and has been on Mastermind." Family

#4728

"An argument recently overheard in a primary school playground. "Your Mum's like a double decker bus... there's always room for one more on top." "Yeah, well YOUR MUM'S like a double decker... she only costs a pound to ride and kids under five go free."" Family

#4729

"When does a woman care for a man's company? When he owns it." Family

#4730

"My gran asked me to go round there earlier and help her in the garden. So I went round there and pushed her out the back door." Family

#4731

"I told my friend I hate my dad. He said "Same." That's a bit harsh, he hasn't even met my dad yet!" Family

#4732

"I walked in on my wife singing the other day. Surprised, I said "Oh, I thought you were the radio." Flattered, she asked "Did you come to listen?" "No," I replied, "I came to turn it off."" Family

#4733

"When I was younger like everyone else, I had an imaginary friend. But mine was an alcoholic, and I called him dad." Family

#4734

"I've just seen my daughter masturbating for the first time. I'm only joking, it's my favourite dvd." Family

#4735

"My X-box controller is a lot like my kids. I can play games with them for hours on end, but as soon as I lose it gets thrown at the wall." Family

#4736

"I went to see a bearded dragon today... ...or as my wife prefers me to call her, the mother in law." Family

#4737

"Went on a Family holiday to Africa last year. My mother-in-law got bitten by a black mamba.

Terrible thing to watch a snake dying in agony." Family

#4738

"My girlfriend doesn't find paedophile jokes funny, she's too young to understand them" Family

#4739

"I had to make the biggest decision of my life today. Social Services made me choose between my daughter and alcohol. For all the right reasons I decided to give up Stella. Stupid name for a kid anyway." Family

#4740

"My son asked me, "what's an example of poetic justice?" I told him, it's like when a woman falls down the stairs, at a battered woman's shelter." Family

#4741

"My mum recently got divorced and married a guy in a wheelchair. I don't think of him as a step dad though, he's more a senior role model." Family

#4742

"My daughter asked my wife and I what it is like to be pregnant. I told her to put a bean bag down the front of her jumper and keep it there for nine months. After nine months take ten per cent of the beans out." Family

#4743

Condoms are like parents... they are there to protect you, but usually it's more fun when they're not around. Family

#4744

Men are rather like periods to a woman, they come and they go, but when she hits a certain age they just stop coming altogether. Family

#4745

My granddad asked me what I wanted for my birthday so I told him a ship in a bottle... Shame his hearing is getting bad Family

#4746

Liverpool.....The only place where you can find a multipack of Fathers' Day cards. Family

#4747

"A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."" Family

#4748

"The Man's rule of conduct: If another guy's zip is open, thats their problem, you didn't see anything." Family

#4749

"It's my birthday today and as I sat with my dad I said, " So then. About nine months and forty three years ago you were giving mum one eh!" He said, " Aye, and if I knew it would be the only time in forty three years I would've enjoyed it a bit more." My brother looked up and said. " Hold on a minute."" Family

#4750

"I asked my mum if I was adopted the other day, she said, 'If I adopted a child, I would have picked a better one then you!' Yeh, thanks 'mum'." Family

#4751

I've wanted to run away from home more since I became a parent than when I was a child. Family

#4752

""Postal workers have been striking for a week now and have nothing to show for it I know how they feel, I've been striking the wife for years" Family

#4753

My hubby always rolls his sleeves up and gets stuck in ....... I love being fisted Family

#4754

"When a doctor remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It runs in my Family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked. "Neither," the patient replied. "It's from my wife's Family." "Oh, come now," said the doctor. "How could your wife's Family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You ought to meet 'em sometime."" Family

#4755

"I took my gran to an antiques auction today I got 23.00 for her" Family

#4756

"My daughter's had her tongue pierced. I caught her smoking, so nailed it to the coffee table." Family

#4757

"I'm not very happy that my Daughter and her friends are locked in the bathroom spending ages getting themselves ready for a night out. It took me ages to find a good hiding spot in her bedroom." Family

#4758

"The wifes so incredibly slow at vacuuming. I'm gonna have to put my foot down." Family

#4759

"I was at a fairground and saw a fortune-teller's tent. I went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two Children." "That's what you think," I said scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE Children." The woman grinned and said "That's what YOU think!"" Family

#4760

"Roses are red Violets are blue Your sister said no How about you?" Family

#4761

"Have you been involved in an accident that wasn't your fault? Yes. My conception." Family

#4762

"My old gran refuses to grow old gracefully. Last night she won first prize in a wet shawl contest." Family

#4763

As you get older, the birthday cards you receive get meaner. The closer the person is to you, it seems the meaner they are. Last year I got a card with a rotting corpse on the front and inside it read, 'At least you can still attract flies. Lots of love, mum.' Family

#4764

"If it's a crime for a man to care for his wife and kids, then I guess I'm guilty. Turns out that's what the judge thought too. And apparently 'care for' isn't a valid metaphor for 'repeatedly abuse and violate'." Family

#4765

I'm not saying that my parents hated me as a child, but my first Christmas gift I can remember from them was a pair of scissors and running shoes. Family

#4766

"In trouble with the wife again. Went out for a lovely meal and I said to her, "You've a bit of food on your chin." When she went to wipe it off, all I said was, "No, the other chin."" Family

#4767

The night before last the wife fell asleep in the bath and left the hot water running. It's a good job she had her mouth open or else the tub would have overflowed. Family

#4768

"My big sister is not talking to me anymore. For her 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram." Family

#4769

I was sad when my grandparents died. It was especially sad because we lost a unique generation that could instantly mend any electrical appliance under the sun just by giving it a good hefty whack with an old slipper. Family

#4770

I woke up this morning feeling sick. Unfortunately as I crept into my little brothers bedroom, my dad had beaten me too it. Family

#4771

"My wife has just given birth to twin daughters. She asked me "What do you think of when you look at them both together?" Apparently "Threesome" was not the answer she had hoped for." Family

#4772

My daughter's very demanding.....usually for me to stop. Family

#4773

"In a cake shop with my daughter: "Daddy, can you buy me a strawberry tArt?" "No, you'll end up getting fat like your mum." She thought about this for a while. "But mummy's not fat." "Yes she is - you're adopted."" Family

#4774

I don't see a problem with Autoerotic Asphyxiation, I like my men well hung... Family

#4775

"The other day I went to Office Max to get some supplies. While there I bought a new ink cArtridge for my printer. It came in a fairly large box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, which took an unnecessarily long time, I found that the printer cArtridge itself was actually quite small. It seems they made the packaging large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price. So I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect it made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal. She's still laughing." Family

#4776

I'm your father and having you was not my idea. Family

#4777

"My daughter's really upset today - a boy touched her up at the under 14's disco last night. I was fuming! I would've punched his lights out if I hadn't been chucked out first." Family

#4778

A young 12 year old girl is being tucked into bed by her mother .The mum say's "Now then Jenny if you pray really hard tonight your wish will come true tomorrow! " Jenny says "Ok mummy , " and off she goes to sleep. The next morning Jenny wakes up and screams " MUMMY! my wish hasn't come true !" "Why's that ?"replied mum "I wished that daddy wouldn't molest me , but he's here licking my privates ! " Mum rushes in and shouts "April fool!!" How they all laughed Family

#4779

"My daughter thinks she's quite posh. She tries to speak with my plums in her mouth." Family

#4780

"When life gives you lemons... Send them to my grandma. She can make a meal out of anything and enjoys getting mail." Family

#4781

"My daughter stood there. Her slender thighs covered in sheer stockings, her skirt so short it revealed the tops of her suspenders. She wore a top so tight and see-through that it showed every curve of her young supple body. My wife had decided that this was the last time I'd be sent clothes shopping alone." Family

#4782

"My mum just came in from work while I was babysitting my brother. I said, "Mum, Billy's just died." She went into a mad panic and broke down in tears, "Tell me it isn't true," she cried. I said, "Yeah I was only joking." "Thank god, oh thank you god," she sobbed. I said, "Yeah, he died this morning."" Family

#4783

"I won an award for laziness last week. My mother picked it up on my behalf." Family

#4784

"Whenever I feel depressed at work about my mundane job, I look at the picture on my desk of the wife and kids and thank my lucky stars. That I'm at work." Family

#4785

"I just did my best Sean Connery impression to my dad He replied with a very impressive impersonation of Roger Moore That's father and son Bonding." Family

#4786

According to social services, I'm not the great parent I claim to be. Apparently my son is in a meningitis induced coma and not hibernating. Family

#4787

"After 18 long and difficult years, my son finally came out of the closet yesterday. The doctor said it was the worst case of agoraphobia he'd ever seen." Family

#4788

"What do you call a man with a dog on his head? A bit weird." Family

#4789

"What's worse than catching your son masturbating while sniffing a pair of your daughter's knickers? Catching your son masturbating while sniffing a pair of your boxers. Family

#4790

"I gave my daughter a black eye for being out of line. A bit harsh I know, but colouring in shouldn't be so sloppy at six years old." Family

#4791

"I walked into my mums bedroom as she was masturbating. I said "Don't worry mum, I've seen it all before". "What did you come in here for?" she asked. "My spy cam" I said." Family

#4792

"My wife told me her mother is coming to stay for the weekend. I've spent the last hour trying to get the letters out of the welcome mat." Family

#4793

"I took my son to work at the adoption agency. I'll never forget the look on his face as they slammed the van doors..." Family

#4794

"My mum text me using a ';)' today... I'm hoping she didn't realize that's only really used for flirting... however, when I read the text back 'oh you forgotten your key: P I'll leave the back open ;)' I did get scared." Family

#4795

"My mother's told me that I've inherited my grandfather's genes. And his shirts and a packet of weathers." Family

#4796

It was my little un's birthday today. We had all her friends over to watch a movie. Its great watching them all laugh together. Now she wants Schindler's List every year! Family

#4797

"I want to be just like my dad... ... and not have any Children." Family

#4798

"Yesterday my wife asked me to make her a sandwich. I laughed so hard and split a rib. One of hers." Family

#4799

"I was sick of spending a fortune on a haircut every other week, so I shaved it all off. My wife hated it. She said our 6 year old daughter didn't suit a skinhead." Family

#4800

"My son has been getting these really bad headaches. I keep telling him, "Feet first when you get out of bed."" Family

#4801

"My Mum recently got divorced and married a guy in a wheelchair. Do I still call him my step dad?" Family

#4802

"My wife just gave birth, which is great because I always said I wanted a child for 4 years or so. My wife however, wants to keep it forever." Family

#4803

My girlfriend told me I was a selfish lover. I said, "Well, your mother did warn you." Family

#4804

9 months prior to our birthdays we should have a "celebrate dad bending mum over day" Family

#4805

"I miss my Dad. He was like a father to me." Family

#4806

Last night I played FIFA 11 with my kid and beat him. It's his own fault, he should have lost. Family

#4807

"I could hear noises coming from my son's bedroom tonight, so i looked in to see if he was alright. As soon as I walked in, he stared at me, stopped moving, and couldn't string a sentence together. Turns out he was having a stroke." Family

#4808

"Me: 'Dad, can I go to bathroom?' Dad: ' Kiran, MAY I go to the bathroom?' I don't care if it's father's day, I asked first" Family

#4809

"My son walked down the stairs sad faced in a suit today. "Are you up in court again?" I snapped. "Everything has been going brilliantly for us the last few days, and now this!" "No Dad," he frowned. "Its mum's funeral today."" Family

#4810

"My 5 year old came back from school today with a picture he had drawn of our Family. He obviously knows about our financial problems because we're all standing outside of our house." Family

#4811

"My parents have just thrown me out. They think i treat the Family home like a hotel, which I don't! Either way I have 1 hour to pack my things and leave my key at reception." Family

#4812

"My gran's Alzheimer's is getting worse. The weird thing is, she can remember what happened twenty years ago but she can't remember what happened ten minutes ago! If she lives another twenty years I'm so busted." Family

#4813

My mother is an always trying to outdo me. Last night she walked into the bathroom as I was choking the bishop then, today, she had to go and push the Pope. Family

#4814

"The Ex-wife rang me up today and screamed at me "Your sons ran away from home !" Laughing I said "So did I, remember!"" Family

#4815

"If I had a pound for every time my father called me a failure I wouldn't be a failure anymore" Family

#4816

"The wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Starship Troopers... Would you like to know more?" Family

#4817

"I'm watching Monsters vs. Aliens As soon as the in-laws leave, we'll probably pop in a DVD." Family

#4818

"Stella: Because the gals ain't gonna beat themselves." Family

#4819

"Unwanted gift? Why not have them adopted?" Family

#4820

My Gran always said she wanted to be laid in wet concrete after she'd died, we all argued with her, but in the end she won. She's dead, set in her way....... Family

#4821

Taking my wife to see the Muppets tonight. I hope her mum cooks something I like this time Family

#4822

"Two weeks after we got married, and already we started having regrets. Or babies, as the wife likes to call them." Family

#4823

"When I was young my Granddad used to tell me this rhyme. "See my finger? See my thumb? See my fist? You'd better run!" Which is ironic, as even if I ran he still fisted me." Family

#4824

I've never seen my mum. She left before I was born. Family

#4825

"A couple of years ago we had a big Family party at my Uncle Tims house At this party was a giant buffet which included this giant chocolate cake At the end of the buffet, half of this delicious cake was left I looked over at my grandfather who had a big smile on his face and said to me "go on... no one's looking" I said "are you sure?" he replied "go on.... no one's looking" So I punched grandma" Family

#4826

"My dad always said he would see me alright if he ever won the lottery. Well he won two million last week and kept true to his word. He's had laser eye surgery." Family

#4827

My Granddad has re-invented the rocking chair. It rocks forward rather than backwards. It allows him to feign interest in people's conversations. Family

#4828

"So the Government are going to give cash handouts to green drivers. I wonder how much my Mother in Law will get for her broomstick?" Family

#4829

"Smoking killed my granddad. One evening he lit up a cig in no man's land and a sniper blew his head off." Family

#4830

"Met an old friend today. She told me she lost her mum last week. "Oh, that's awful," I said. "Have you tried retracing your steps, she might still be where you left her." Some people just can't take a joke!" Family

#4831

"I asked my nephew what he wanted for his birthday and he asked for a Bat mobile... Well unbeknownst to me, one of them was still alive when I hung it over it his bed." Family

#4832

Trust me. It's better to walk in on both of your parents than just one. Family

#4833

"As I looked out of my bedroom window at the snow I thought to myself, "How can something so beautiful be so cold in nature and cause misery to everyone but four year old boys..." ...Then I remembered my ex-wife." Family

#4834

"How do you know when your mother-in-law is on her period? There's blood on her broomstick." Family

#4835

"When I was born my mother must have thought I was a real treasure... Cause she tried burying me several times." Family

#4836

"I think I must be going bald... It's taking longer and longer to wash my face in the morning..." Family

#4837

"Teenage daughters are like that box of chocolates at Christmas... You know you shouldn't, but you just can't help yourself" Family

#4838

"If it wasn't for the likes of my granddad, we'd all be talking German now! He really was a terrible Language Teacher." Family

#4839

"My uncle was a weird fellow... ...Artificial legs, real feet." Family

#4840

"I was arguing with my wife last night. She accused me of being a delusional fantasist. I was shocked. So I held gently held my hand against her face, breathed in slowly and shouted "Flame on!"." Family

#4841

"I went to the police and reported that my wife is missing ever since she went to buy groceries a week ago. "Well, why didn't you report earlier?" "I had enough groceries to last me a week."" Family

#4842

"Was on the train earlier when a guy got up and left his expensive new phone on the seat. I didn't say anything and he got off, I went to retrieve my new phone. Before I could even pick it up it started ringing - 'mum' - I left the phone where it was. She always seems to know when I am up to no good, that wily minx." Family

#4843

"You think seeing your Mum kissing Santa Claus was bad. I saw him kissing my Dad" Family

#4844

"My wife bounced into the room and said, "I've got some good news!" "What is it?" I asked. "My mum's beaten the cancer," she squealed. She's all clear!" Always going off on a tangent, my wife. I never did find out what that good news was." Family

#4845

"The Wife asked me last night, "how would you judge the success of a Man?" So of course I said "by the amount of Women he's banged" Then she said "how would you judge the success of a Woman?" "Well of course by how many sandwiches she's made" I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight...." Family

#4846

"My Wife has a really pretty face, but the only problem is she is carrying a bit of timber. I've told her working at the lumber yard isn't very lady like." Family

#4847

I thought i would make the mother in laws room more comfy as she is staying for a while, I just don't know where to put the bikes and the lawn mower. Family

#4848

"My big sister was taunting me, and said parents said I was a mistake. Well, I asked my mum about my conception, and she was shocked, she said "No love, we really wanted a baby and we had you on purpose." ...it was only later we realized it was a mistake"." Family

#4849

"My sister was on Big Brother tonight. I'm hoping to get a repeat performance before I go to sleep." Family

#4850

My wife cooks meals that even Gordon Ramsay would be proud of. To be fair, she uses his system. She cries and panics whilst I swear at her. Family

#4851

"I just hacked my mother in law's Facebook, and put,' I just gave my son in law head' as her status. It didn't go down too well with the Family as she died yesterday." Family

#4852

When our 10 year old grandson stays with us for the weekend we're not allowed to smoke in the house. The wife makes us stand outside in the cold. And she wonders why he doesn't like her. Family

#4853

"I was using the palm of my hand this morning instead of an ashtray, and the wife was complaining Don't know why though, the ashtray would've done a lot more damage." Family

#4854

"As many a good man will know; anything you can't fix with a hammer and some gaffer tape isn't worth fixing. Needless to say, my first marriage didn't last long." Family

#4855

"I'm a good kind of guy who laughs at my own mistakes. My son didn't think it was funny though..." Family

#4856

"I explained to the girl as gently as I could that I didn't want to continue our relationship and I couldn't see us going anywhere. There wasn't anyone else involved but I just didn't love her anymore and I wanted her to move out of my house. I felt a bit guilty but I knew it was for the best. She said through the tears "But Daddy where else can I go?"" Family

#4857

"I like to tell people that my Family have a fairy tale life. It sounds better than saying that my wife's in a coma and I've eaten the kids." Family

#4858

"Tips for blokes -- How to clean a toilet: 1. Barrow cat from neighbours. 2. Pour soap into toilet. 3. Add cat and close lid. 4. Sit on lid. 5. Allow cat time to act. 6. Flush several times to rinse. 7. Raise lid and admire shine." Family

#4859

Was having a nice Family game of football earlier and, despite their youthful energy, managed to beat both my kids. It made me feel better after losing to them at the football. Family

#4860

"I offered to bathe the kids for the wife last night, which made me realize how useless I was. I had no idea whether to use Persil or Mr. Muscle..." Family

#4861

"My friend told me he loved homemade gifts for Christmas.. Excitedly, I asked "which one of my kids do you want?"" Family

#4862

"I'm hoping my in laws don't stay too long on Christmas day. But, just to make sure I've also invited the black couple from next door." Family

#4863

"My 13 year old daughter who goes to Mentee School in Waltham tow London says I've got a problem with trust. So I've decided to not pick her up from school tomorrow to show that I trust her to walk home alone." Family

#4864

"Last week my wife told me that I spend too much time on Sickipedia. She said, "It's either Sickipedia or me and the kids, your choice". To be honest I don't even miss them." Family

#4865

Divorce - Because every man deserves a second chance Family

#4866

"My mother kicked my dad out of the house for cheating. She seriously needs to give that board game a rest." Family

#4867

"At the tender age of 82 my gran has lost the plot, she keeps thinking that I am my granddad. To be honest it's a compliment, he was a great bloke. But, the biggest compliment of all was the fact that 'Apparently' I'm better in bed. Family

#4868

My uncle taught me the facts of life. I can't tell anyone though because it's our little secret Family

#4869

Real men cry....but REAL men kill all witnesses of them crying Family

#4870

"When my mum told me I should increase my iron intake I took her Advice. She was horrified when she caught me sucking on her discarded tampons." Family

#4871 "I would always put my kids first. Especially if there was a car coming towards us." Family

#4872

"The other day 2 year old brother started screaming at the sight of a spider. All i wanted was some peace but I couldn't kill the poor thing so I wrapped it in toilet paper and through it out of the window. However my parents said that was an irresponsible thing to do to a two year old." Family

#4873

My girlfriend is such a hypochondriac. She got jet lag when the clocks went back Family

#4874

You know you're getting old when Miss Marple starts looking hot Family

#4875

"My wife told me I'm a terrible Father. She said I really need to pull my finger out Of our son." Family

#4876

"My daughter's boyfriend asked, "Do you think it's ok to make fun of AIDS?" I said, "Sure, that's why we called her it."" Family

#4877

"My mother-in-law came round earlier and really made my day... She left early." Family

#4878

"My parents have decided to put my gran into a care home, after she tearfully broke down, admitting to symptoms of Alzheimer's. Maybe it's time I stopped using rohypnol." Family

#4879

"Got the bearded dragon a new tank today. The wife ain't happy though, she doesn't think it's an appropriate place for her mother." Family

#4880

My son has been watching Home Alone and getting loads of funny ideas... like spending Christmas together as a Family. Family

#4881

"My ginger son's birthday is today. I've explained in previous years that we don't get him any birthday presents because it's so close to Christmas. It seems to upset him, especially because we're Jewish and don't celebrate Christmas." Family

#4882

"I love my dad's granddad.... ...he's great." Family

#4883

"My old man's a dust man. We cremated him this morning." Family

#4884

"My Father was mental. He used to think he was a Boeing 747 I don't remember too much about him. He took off when I was five" Family

#4885

So it's mother's day I had trouble deciding what to get my mother-in-law I couldn't choose between a Toyota Prius or a holiday in Haiti, so eventually I plumped for luging lessons in Vancouver. Family

#4886

You know your parents don't love you when you receive LimeWire vouchers for your birthday. Family

#4887

"BBC News- man found chopped up in the River Hull A spokeswomen for the Family said that they loved him to bits" Family

#488

My wife accused me of having absolutely no sense of direction. Honestly, I was so disgusted I just packed my things and right. Family

#4889

"Doctor- I'm afraid were going to have to pull the plug on your son. Mother- I thought you said he was perfectly healthy? Doctor- Oh I did, but his bath is overflowing." Family

#4890

"I think my dad was a magician. He did a disappearing act when I was born." Family

#4891

"My wife just told me that I'm lazy good for nothing lay about, that does nothing to help her around the house. That's the last time I arrange for her to borrow a ladder when she has to realign the sky dish" Family

#4892

"My daughter and wife had a race to see who could hang the most washing out. It was level pegging at the end." Family

#4893

Your mums so fat that when she jumped in the air she got stuck. Family

#4894

My Mom is a terrible cook. In our house we pray after we eat. Family

#4895

"My girlfriend said she wanted to name our baby daughter a name that she "could see in lights." Just a minute, I need to change Marlboro's nappy." Family

#4896

"My Cousin has just had an Article written in the local newspaper with her photo saying how she is a successful business woman. 'What a strange coincidence' I said. 'Fancy how two people from the same Family end up with their picture in the paper the same week. We should celebrate.' Apparently her being a successful business women and me being a paedophile is not a reason for the Family to throw a party." Family

#4897

"John: I am a man of few words Bill: I am married too" Family

#4898

I lost my Grandfather last week. That was the worst game of Poker I have ever been involved in. Family

#4899

"Put an end to fathers for justice.... ....have a kid with Britney Spears" Family

#4900

My dad told me ice cream vans only made that noise when they ran out. Family

#4901

""IPad is thin. iPad is beautiful." Can I trade in my wife?" Family

#4902

"When my gran dies she's gonna spend 100,000 quid on having her body frozen so she can be brought back to life in the future. Although I think we'll probably just pocket the 100,000 and bung her in the freezer." Family

#4903

"My cheeky teenage daughter burst through the door from school today, before grabbing the remote, sitting back and turning the channel over. "Give me the remote," I glared. "Then go to the kitchen and fetch me a lager out of the fridge." "The cheek!" She spat. "Who died and made you god?" "Your mother, this morning," I replied. "Now hop along."" Family

#4904

""Let's play charades" my Mother in Law said as she walked into the lounge. "Enter the Dragon" I shouted. "We haven't started yet" she replied. " It was an observation not a guess"" Family

#4905

Your mum is so fat she can't even pick out the first pringles Family

#4906

"My wife always smashes up our furniture when she's depressed. She's a shelf-harmer." Family

#4907

"What are the two worst things about your mother-in-law? Her faces." Family

#4908

"My granddad's a chess master, but after 6 years of playing, I've finally won my first game against him. I hope the second games shorter though." Family

#4909

"My 8 year old son reckoned he was old enough to go out on his own at night, so I sent him to get our fish supper at the chippie (The Fishy Finger), which is on a particularly dodgy estate. As a joke I asked him to get 'a battered ring'. That was three days ago. Don't worry............we had a pot noodle instead." Family

#4910

"What do you call an orphan's Family tree? A stump." Family

#4911

"My wife has just had baby, were both so happy! But the most amazing thing is that my little boy, thanks to a genetic disease, was born black. It does not bother me one bit I still love my boy. I told my mate Leroy about it and he seemed just as shocked as I was!" Family

#4912

I'm the youngest of 3, my parents are both older. Family

#4913

"During the Second World War, my grandfather couldn't stop scribbling. He got hit by the Doodlebug." Family

#4914

"My wife's just told me she expecting her mum to come round for dinner on Christmas Day. I'm disappointed. I thought I'd hit her so hard she's be unconscious till February at least....." Family

#4915

I killed, cooked and ate my mother in law yesterday. Just one of the many advantages of being married to a chicken. Family

#4916

"I was asked the question, "What would you rather be, blind or deaf?" I answered deaf, my wife is pretty hot but her voice does my head in." Family

#4917

Josef Fritzl is always the Dungeon Master in Dungeons & Dragons Family

#4918

Chris Benoit is my biological dad. Thank God he didn't know Family

#4919

"I was driving in a town near Arkinsaw the other day and my girlfriend said to me 'Isn't this place notorious for incest?' I replied 'No but it's relatively close'" Family

#4920

"My Children take after my wife. They're imaginary." Family

#4921

"I went to my nan's house for dinner on her birthday. After enjoying the lovely spread she had layed out, she told me that she wanted her present... So I gave her a pearl necklace. And then I gave my present to her!" Family

#4922

"I'm well excited, I think my wife's taking me on a surprise holiday; I overheard a couple of work colleagues talking about how she's packing my bags. It'll be good for us since our marriage has been on the rocks for a while now." Family

#4923

"On his wedding day I told my son that I wasn't losing a son but gaining a daughter. In retrospect it was a callous way of telling him that I had got his fiancé pregnant." Family

#4924

When I have a bad dream I ask my daughter if I can get into her bed with her. Family

#4925

"I hate that awkward moment when your mum walks in on you dancing by yourself in the bedroom... and you notice she's naked." Family

#4926

"I was sat watching TV earlier when my wife said "Watch out, the Sun's coming through the window" "Nothing to worry about, I'll close the blinds", I replied. Then she threw my son through the window." Family

#4927

Your mother is so poor.....she can't even pay attention. Family

#4928

Parents, give your child a normal name. No one wants to hire someone with a name that sounds like a Harry Potter spell Family

#4929

"My father's a wise man. He trusted me enough to let me make my own decisions, and learn from my mistakes for as long as I can remember. I really hope I get to meet him someday." Family

#4930

Men are like bad drivers - always pulling out not caring whose coming! Family

#4931

"A 30 year old woman was arrested and charged recently with stealing between 50,000 and 150,000 from her 72 year old aunt who suffers from dementia. I could never do such a thing. There's just no history of dementia in my Family." Family

#4932

"Tonight was the best night of my life, I had my first daughter. I can't wait to have my second daughter, she should be home any minute now." Family

#4933

"My dad was a comedian, so comedy is in my blood. I wish I could get it into my jokes." Family

#4934

"My girlfriend said to me the other day: "Hey wanna join my parents for tea tonight?" I replied: "I'd rather join MY parents." "I thought your parents were dead." "They are."" Family

#4935

No thanks Aero, if I really wanted to "feel the bubbles", I'd just jump into the bath with my daughter like normal. Family

#4936

"Every Sunday morning I like to get up bright and early and head off to the car boot .... I hide my secret Family in there" Family

#4937

My kids are really good looking. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. Family

#4938

"Whenever anyone asks me whether I have kids I always give a cheeky wink and reply with "Not that I know of." My wife doesn't like this. And my son hates it." Family

#4939

"I've just spent all morning digging up the allotment for my granddad. I can't remember where I buried him." Family

#4940

Irony is growing up thinking ur mum would be the one to catch you masturbating.... Family

#4941

It's kind of ironic that they caution pregnant women not to drink alcohol in case it harms the baby. If it wasn't for alcohol most women wouldn't be that way. Family

#4942

Yo Momma is so fat, bouncy castles hire her for parties. Family

#4943

Monthly contact lenses are like parents. Eventually you lose one of them and the one that's left constantly annoys you until you're left with a pounding headache and you feel the need to take it out. Family

#4944

Your mum is so slow that her de Broglie wavelength is observable on macroscopic scales. Family

#4945

"Just been dumped by the missus. Apparently, when we are outside our house, while it's burning to the ground, saying "Ah, it needed decorating anyway." Is wrong. Especially when our baby is inside." Family

#4946

"When my wife was heavily pregnant, I still found her attractive. Although, I think this was due to the increase in gravity." Family

#4947

"I told my wife the other day ' I've Just finished writing a song about a hammer today' she said ' Oh really, hit me with it!' She could have phrased it better, re-constructive surgery starts Friday" Family

#4948

"Wife: This is the worst thing you've ever done. Husband: You say that so often that it lost its meaning." Family

#4949

"My dad was a taxi driver, then he just left, with no indication." Family

#4950

I thought that mentioning that I had a young Family at a recent social event would break the ice and help people warm to me, but when I introduced my 11 year old wife, the horrified look on their faces suggested otherwise. Family

#4951

"I was out on a camping trip with my wife when a large bear came into our path. I remembered I had my new gun in my backpack for these sorts of situations, one shot to the wife's kneecap and I was able to get away at only a brisk walking pace." Family

#4952

"I was driving along the road the other day when I saw a man trying to run his wife down in his car. I was going to stop to help but he looked like he had it under control" Family

#495

My grammar past away several years ago. God rest her soul. Family

#4954

"My dad had a go at me for putting a knife in the toaster as I might electrocute myself. I asked him why he didn't mind my mum doing it. He said 'she's a woman if she's so independent she can figure it out for herself or die trying.' He now has a sickipedia account." Family

#4955

"Portugal's Nani out Of World Cup I'm sure the rest of Portugal's Family are gutted, especially the granddad" Family

#4956

It was mine and my wife's anniversary. After work I stopped off and got a bunch of flowers. When I brought them home, she told me they looked like I found them in a bin. Jokes on her though. I found them tied to a fence at the side of the road. Family

#4957

"Just finished my last test, and now I've got two weeks of blissful ignorance before I found out how bad I've done. I mean, I can't be father to all of them." Family

#4958

I love it when the ice cream man comes out, so I can see all the hot and sweaty kids chasing after him, getting their lolly's and licking away, I never did understand what granddad meant when he said that. Family

#4959

My mother belongs to the Saudi Arabian school of photography. Every time she takes a picture she cuts people's hands & feet off. Family

#4960

My wife says I never let her see her mother. I've now given permission for her to turn the picture around once a week. Family

#4961

"I took the Family on a day trip to Alton Towers. As the kids kicked and screamed in the back of the car, I remembered a tip my dad gave me. "If you don't stop that," I said, "I'll turn this car right round..." They paused for a moment, smiled, and started hitting each other. "Right, that's it!" I shouted, spinning the car round. I couldn't help but think my dad's logic was flawed as we arrived back at the theme park." Family

#4962

"What's a man's idea of a romantic evening out? A candlelit football stadium." Family

#4963

"We buried my mother-in-law today. As the coffin lowered into the ground I stepped forward and said a little prayer. "Thank you God"." Family

#4964

"My daughter just won 'Miss Ginger 2010'! Needless to say she'll always be my 'Miss Take 1993'" Family

#4965

"My daughter loves going to Burger King But hates it when my 'Angry Whopper' comes out." Family

#4966

"I don't need a job, I have got money. It's just tied up in my mum and dads house." Family

#4967

Had a go on my brother's bike earlier........ or Julie as he likes to call her Family

#4968

"Kids don't know they're born these days One Christmas when I was a lad my Mum got me a carpet and told me I could keep it in the living room." Family

#4969

"I just got a call from my 8 year old son's teacher. Apparently he has been charging girls 25 cents to touch his 'special area' the worst part was he was taking away my business." Family

#4970

Mother's day, the most confusing day of the year for the male members of Norfolk. Family

#4971

"My wife left me because she said i just don't understand her.... To be honest I don't know what she's talking about." Family

#4972

"What does my grandma have in common with the newspaper? Both have been lying in the driveway for about 3 days now." Family

#4973

The hardest part of my Nan's death, was pushing her. Family

#4974

"BBC News: Norfolk County Council to cut 1,000 jobs ought to make Family events a bit awkward..." Family

#4975

"My daughter was born with an umbrella sticking out the top of her head. I'm worried about her starting college, she's led a very sheltered life." Family

#4976

"My Dad has a tendency to overelaborate the facts. Ever since he single handedly repelled the enemy forces during world war two." Family

#4977

"It's funny how the most simple things in life can tear a Family apart............ .....Like next door's rabid Rottweiler" Family

#4978

"At first I thought your mum was like a bike, because everyone had had a ride; but then I realized she was more like a bus, as you can fit more people in a bus." Family

#4979

"My wife said to me the other day, I would love to travel around the world I said look sweetheart, hopes and Dreams are only satans way of distracting you from making dinner. Now get back in the kitchen." Family

#4980

"BBC News: Man guilty of 40m jeweler's raid. Men get blamed for everything these days." Family

#4981

"My wife left me today, she said it was because I could never make up my mind. I didn't know what to say...." Family

#4982

I was raised by my father, my mother left before i was born... Family

#4983

"One thing my old Dad always said to me: Son, never explain yourself to anyone. He never did tell me why." Family

#4984

"I said to my girlfriend's Family the other day: You guys are so funny! You should be in a TV programme! My girlfriends mum replied flattered: What, you mean like a comedy or a talk show? I said back: Nah, fat families." Family

#4985

"My wife asked me to pop into town to get her mother a gift for mother's day. Apparently she asked for something she can use in the bath. So I've bought her a toaster." Family

#4986

My mother died whilst giving birth to me. So I was breast fed by my grandma. It didn't affect me though. Well, I like my milk past the sell by date now but that's all. Family

#4987

"My mother in law made a visit today. "So," I said. "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "Oh, you're not even going to stay for coffee?"" Family

#498

"My wife tried to buy something online yesterday. ....Anyone knows how to get a credit card out of a floppy drive?" Family

#4989

"I slipped my whole hand inside my sister's furry little hoop earlier. I had no idea you could stretch a hair bobble that big." Family

#4990

I give my wife rights, she gets to choose which hand I hit her with. Family

#4991

"My grandma once told me friends come and go but your Family will always be there.... A week later she died" Family

#4992

"Yesterday I told my wife that I will kill her in her sleep, burn down our house and I hate Coronation Street. "How could you?", she said. "Not really", I told her, "I love Coronation Street"." Family

#4993

It's a rare occasion when somebody moves to Norfolk. Most people there prefer to stay local and marry their sisters. But don't worry I'm sure the people of Norfolk will make the Fritzl's feel more than welcome. Family

#4994

"When I was younger, my dad used to show me pictures about why it's important to always wear a condom, Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me." Family

#4995

"My Granddad told me one of his favourite jokes from back in the day.'three black men were on fire........' I guess his humour was a little basic." Family

#4996

The worst two things about a mother-in-law are her faces. Family

#4997

My wife complains that I spend too much time with my daughter at 'bath time'. Especially now that she has her exams to study for. Family

#4998

"My wife says I'm a pessimist and should stop being so negative all the time. God I have so many flaws." Family

#4999

My wife's like a Toyota; when she starts, she never stops. Family

#5000

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Family

