 
Catching Crabs

By Keith Wiley

Copyright 2012 Keith Wiley

Smashwords Edition

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Chapter 1 - Changes

"Nah, Nah, I'm serious, I really like her." I said laughing while lying on the couch, tossing a ball up, hitting the ceiling, taking turns catching and throwing with left then right hands.

"Dude, when have I heard that before? You just like the fact that, when you're both drunk, she'll drop everything, including her panties, for you if just glance in her general direction."

"No, come on," I struggled to hold back a huge coughing laugh as a big grin spread across my face. "I like her and she asked us to come to her dance class today, so let's go." I jumped up quickly off the couch in the common area of our dorm and smacked Jason hard on the back of his head, who then took a swing at me that I deftly avoided knowing that it was coming.

As we walked across campus I noticed a warmth in the air as a breeze blew through the quad and stirred the leaves in full bud on the trees. I was still slightly drunk from the night before when I'd gone home with Lori and had subsequently decided that I might actually like her more than a late night hook up. Then again, maybe it was my ego influencing my thoughts and the fog of my hangover clouding my judgment, but it was still a nice thought. Deep down I knew that Jason was right, I liked the attention but why did that have to matter? We could both enjoy ourselves in our own way. At least that's what I was telling myself today.

When we got to the dance studio Lori's class was already underway. She looked over when we strutted in letting the door slam loudly behind us. Lori didn't hide the fact that she was happy to see us as she waved and smiled, looking around to make sure the other girls in the class knew that we were there to see her.

My gaze drifted up and down her body, which was clad in a black leotard, nude tights and a gauzy pink skirt that barely came to the middle of her thighs. "Yeah, maybe you're right, it was just beer goggles that made me go home with her. Her legs are a little heavy aren't they?"

"Dude, you kill me. You just finished convincing yourself that you liked her and now you're trying to find reasons not to. Which is it then?"

"I don't know, I'm not so drunk anymore," I admitted. Plus she is way too eager. I like to think that it takes some skill to hook up with the girls that I bag. Look at her; she'd probably go to bed with you if she thought that I'd watch!"

"Fuck you shitbag, I wouldn't touch that with my virtual dick," Jason laughed.

"Yah right, that's why when I was on your computer the other day I saw a virtual girl you were creating named Lori. You wish you could be as good with the women as I am."

"Yeah that's it, you got me, you're a stud, can you please teach me oh Zen master?"

We spent about fifteen more minutes watching Lori's class and mimicking their dance steps to the entertainment of everyone but her instructor who finally made it clear with frequent backwards glares at us that we should go.

Crew practice was starting soon, so Jason and I headed down to the river and the boathouse. Rowing was how we met in the first place. We both joined crew that Fall of our freshman year, and were addicted to it from the start. Practice was in the mornings at 5am and a few afternoons. The morning practice was a problem for Jason. He couldn't seem to get himself out of bed that early and since I lived down the hall from him, he asked me to wake him up. Our friendship grew from there.

So far that Spring, Jason and I had had some success in our boat. We'd been lucky to be placed into a freshman boat that had the attention of the coach and as a result we'd won a few races. Our expectations were high for a good showing at the upcoming Dad Vail Regatta in a few weeks.

The Dad Vail Regatta is the largest college rowing competition in the country with hundreds of schools from all over coming to Philadelphia to compete on the Schuylkill River for the coveted Dad Vail win. That year, based on other races, our boat had a good chance of making the finals to compete against five other top freshmen crews.

I loved rowing, the freedom of it, the feeling of a boat in perfect timing. I didn't even mind getting up in the morning to head to practice. I loved the feeling of my shirt as it started to stick to my body when I began to sweat from the effort of pulling the sweep oar through the water. I loved the feeling of eight rowers with oars moving in perfect unison and how the boat jumped in the water when it was really moving together in one fluid motion. It is truly a beautiful sport.

When we got to practice our coach pulled our boat aside. "Guys, the Varsity team wants the boat you've been rowing in. They hit a boulder up above Strawberry Mansion Bridge with theirs and can't row in it," he paused and sighed heavily looking at the ground avoiding our questioning and panicking eyes. "So, since they're Varsity they get their choice of boats."

Jason and I looked at each other incredulously. "No way, that's bullshit!" I yelled glaring at the varsity rowers as I said it. "They're doing this because they're jealous of our success. There are other boats here! Why can't those fat lazy asses use them? How are we going to get a new boat rigged for us in time? Why should we pay for the fact that they went above the bridge?!"

At that point I knew in my heart that my dream of getting a medal at Dad Vail's was over. I knew there was no way we'd all get it together in a new boat in time, we were too green.

A boat is typically called a racing shell with attached rigging holds the oar. The rigging is a triangle made of aluminum or carbon fiber that is connected to the shell. At the point of the triangle at its further most tip over the water is the oar lock which is a square piece of carbon fiber and metal that has a hinge on it to allow the oar to be locked and placed inside. The hinge mechanism tightens onto itself to keep the oar from popping out. The oar lock is loose on the oar and shaped into a rounded square. The oar has a collar on it to keep it in place preventing it from sliding down the oar lock into the water; the collar rests against the oar lock. When a rower lifts their blade and turns their wrists so the blade of the oar travels over the water with the blade facing up it's called feathering. The square shape of the oar lock accommodates the flattened part of the oar so that when a rower feathers their blade out of the water the flat part naturally rests on the oar lock. Feathering allows the blade to travel over the water without hitting the water as the blade and rower travel back preparing for the catch portion of the stroke when the oar enters the water again for the start of the next stroke.

Each rower has a specific setting on their rigging which enables the oar to enter and exit the water at the optimal depth and height respectively. The setting is achieved by a combination of adjusting the rigging where it attaches to the boat and using spacers on top of and under the oar lock to raise or lower the angle of the oar. The rigging is adjusted based on each rowers rowing style and upper body height. The objective is to have the blade of the oar be completely submerged in the water on the stroke with very little of the oars shaft in the water.

Our boat was upset because we were very inexperienced rowers and we'd grown comfortable with the boat we were in. Coach tried to calm us down explaining that it shouldn't matter what boat we rowed in because we were good rowers. But, it didn't do anything to alleviate how upset we all were. If we'd been more experienced rowers we'd have known this to be true. My frustration and disappointment mounted and the fact that the Varsity rowers kept looking over at us and smirking all served to cause our anxiety to build to a crescendo as we got our oars and "new" boat ready for practice.

The result of our frustration and panic was what amounted to the worst practice that I could ever remember. We hadn't rowed this poorly since we'd started rowing. Balancing the boat was next to impossible; it just rocked from side to side, never settling in the center.

At one point I yelled, "Coach you have to get us another boat, we can't row in this tub!" Everyone laughed, but it was a bitter laugh, born out of frustration.

"Dude, calm down, it will be all right," said Jason, who sat behind me in the boat, in a futile attempt at optimism.

There were more crabs caught in this one practice than most of the season put together, it was a crab fest.

Catching a crab is a rite of passage for all novice rowers, and happens as a result of lack of concentration in oar technique and timing. It's when the oar gets caught in the water and is thrust back at the rower with the power of the forward motion of the boat. The force of the oar coming back as the boat moves forward is usually too much for the rower to stop especially in eight man sweep boats so it usually results in the rower leaning all the way back flat against the bottom of the boat to avoid the oar hitting them. Rowing legend has it that rowers have been knocked out and gotten cracked ribs from catching monster crabs.

Walking dejectedly home from practice I couldn't help but think that we were screwed. My dreams were shattered, now what?

Chapter 2 – Groupies and Vails

In an attempt to forget the upcoming race and simply because it was what we did, Jason and I got some weed and a bottle of vodka. My preferred brand of vodka was Stoli, of course. I always ended up with a huge hangover after drinking the less expensive brands, plus it just seemed to taste better with a good bag of weed. We had made plans to go out to a frat party later in the evening and wanted to be good and wasted for it.

We opened the windows and soaked a towel from the dorm kitchen, rolled it up and shoved it under the door ensuring no smoke would escape from our room out into the hallway.

"Hey, break open the vodka while I roll the doob," said Jason. Jason was an expert roller and I watched with anticipation as he packed the paper tighter and with more precision than anyone I knew.

Jason lit the joint and passed it to me as he finished a long toke and lolled his head back to look at the ceiling, slowly letting the smoke drift out of his mouth.

I took the joint from Jason and exhaled first, starting with no air in my lungs, wanting to get as much sweet smoke as I could into my body. As I finished, I struggled to hold in a cough as the smoke burned my lungs, letting loose short puffs of smoke like a steam engine. I leaned back enjoying the feeling of the pot as it started to work its magic. We had turned on some soothing jazz music wanting to start the night on a smooth and mellow note. It would eventually turn into a more frenetic mood with music to match.

By the time one of our favorite tunes came on we were feeling like the music, cool and slick with a bit of style thrown in. As was typical, at this point in our pre-party ritual, the vodka was more than half way gone and we'd finished at least two joints. It was also time to up the pace with some college rock. We'd eventually end up, right before heading out, with some fast paced punk or indie band depending on the night. There would be no dance music tonight, it never sounded good after smoking. It was a fine line, we were drunk and stoned which meant that the jam bands were too complicated but we couldn't completely dumb down on the music which is why an indie band was usually a good choice.

I was in an alternative mood, one that had me not looking forward any longer to being in a hot crowded room with a bunch of people pressing in on me that I didn't know, and decided when getting ready that I was going to wear some eyeliner on my left eye and carry a cane as an homage to my favorite character, Alex, from the film and novel "A Clockwork Orange". I didn't dress in white or wear a bowler. My outfit was more subtle. But on nights like this, when I felt particularly irritated with people in general, I liked to play the part.

I carefully painted the eyeliner on the interior ledge of my lower lid. It was a good look; it darkened my already dark eye and allowed for a distinctness that went unnoticed by everyone but the most careful observer. The cane on the other hand was useful to push through the crowds to get to the beer and it also served as a crutch to hold me up when I got too drunk to stand on my own.

As we headed out I knew it was going to be a wild night. People were milling all over campus, coming and going to parties. The girls were all wearing tight clothes showing ample amounts of skin in all the right areas, knowing full well what they were doing to the male population, a sure sign that Summer was almost upon us.

Once we were at the party, things became a blur. Jason and I found a room that wasn't as loud or as crowded as the others and stood by ourselves in a corner, double fisting beers for a while, talking about our favorite author, Ayn Rand and doing our best to be intellectual.

"Pete Keating is a commoner, he just builds what he thinks people want to see and on top of that he steals ideas, he never had a unique idea of his own," said Jason between huge gulps of beer.

"Yeah, I'm with ya. Howard Rourke, on the other hand, is everything I want to be. Doing what I want, how I want, the world be damned. He does it for the love of it and that's all," I said, furtively looking around to see if we were impressing anyone. As I glanced around I noticed a unique looking girl with curly, chestnut colored hair and not to be missed enormous breasts, smiling coyly at me over her beer. I gave her a quick, unsure smile and turned back to Jason and our discussion.

The floor seemed to start moving under me as I slurred, "I'll never bend to anyone's desires but my own. Anything worth doing is worth doing your best and I don't care if anyone agrees with me or not. Plus how about HR and HR? Hank Reardon and Howard Rourke! How about that!"

"Yeah man, you and me." Neither Jason or I were making any sense anymore, but it didn't matter, we were making sense to each other. By this time I was leaning heavily on my cane for support when there came a quick flash of movement to my left. My cane was gone and I hit the floor like a sack of potatoes, my beer splattering everywhere.

The girl with the curly hair had swiped my cane which was all that had been holding me up. I looked up from my position on the floor to see her laughing hysterically, while holding my cane like some kind of prize.

"Hi, I've seen you down at the boathouses haven't I? My name is Jen," she said walking over to give me a hand and my cane back. "I like your eyeliner, it's cool. Clockwork Orange, right?"

I was still pissed from the fall and the beer that was wasted, noting that surprisingly little had found my clothes in the fall, but nodded, looking at her. She had bright blue eyes and an easy smile that revealed a small gap between her front teeth.

"Hey man, I'm starving, let's go to Jimmy's," said Jason's voice as if coming out of a fog, hitting my arm at the same time.

Jimmy's was a local cheesesteak joint that we'd hit pretty regularly after parties for the greasy steaks and fries both smothered in cheese wiz. It was the one true remedy we found for preventing a hangover.

Now that I had cheesesteak on my mind, I'd quickly forgotten Jen and turned my attention to Jason. "Hey, that sounds cool, I'm in," said a startling voice from behind. My focus turned back to an enormous chest straining tightly against a blue t-shirt. I nodded dumbly in response and the three of us headed out to Jimmy's. My mouth began to water just thinking about it.

Jimmy's was packed, as usual, and as we waited in line to order, I learned that Jen was from New York but came down regularly for the regattas. She had friends in Philly that she could stay with. Jen was a crew groupie.

A crew groupie is what egotistical rowers like to call the few girls that hang out at races with a goal of meeting rowers. It may have been a small group, but it was an extremely devoted group. I had more than my share of experience with girls that were obsessed with rowers. Some people, not in the know, might have thought that this groupie devotion was the result of the typical physique and muscle development of rowers, which was well rounded with strong legs, arms and back. But, my personal belief was that it was an attitude. Rowers tend to be very focused and driven to achieve a goal at all costs. They will suffer all kinds of cruelty to win a race including rowing in weather so cold that water would freeze as soon as it touched skin or holding an oar so long and so tightly that when they let go of the oar skin would peel off with the oar or just the sheer pain of rowing in general. They exude self-confidence and they show that in their interaction with others. This is most likely what attracted the groupies. Or so my theory went.

When we got up to order, the uninterested guy that was taking the orders said, "yeah?" Looking at Jen.

Jen laughed and said, "Oh, I guess I'll have a steak sandwich."

"And?"

"Isn't that enough?" Jen giggled somewhat nervously.

"Ok, whatever." And he proceeded to chop up a big chunk of steak and stick it into a crusty roll.

"Here's how you order a steak," I said turning to Jen. "I'll have a cheesesteak and crisscut fries with wiz."

"Coming right up," said the cook winking at me and looking at Jen out the corner of his eye.

"You're not from around here, are you?" I said to Jen nudging her playfully.

"No, how'd you guess?"

"No one orders just a plain steak sandwich. You have to get some kind of cheese if not onions as well. Plus, we don't call it a steak sandwich anyway."

"Oh, well excuse me for being ignorant of the local customs," she said nudging me back playfully and rubbing her chest softly against my arm. I felt myself stir but that quickly disappeared when my cheesesteak and fries appeared on the counter.

"So, where are you from anyway?" asked Jason with a mixture of cheese wiz and grease dripping down his chin.

"I'm majoring in Liberal Arts at Columbia."

"Oh, wow, why are you slumming it with us this weekend?"

"Oh, a friend of mine, who I seemed to have lost at the party, goes to Drexel and invited me down for the weekend. Plus, I like to come down to watch the rowers on the river. I think it's such a beautiful sport. I go down by the river sit in the grass and watch the boats row by. It's peaceful."

Jason and I both gave each other approving looks.

Jen looked at me, "Can I try your steak with the cheese on it?"

I handed her the rest of my sandwich.

"Oh! Umm!, now I know why you ordered that" she exclaimed licking the orange cheese from her lips. "The grease, steak and cheese wiz complement each other perfectly."

"See, now you know why Philly makes the best steaks. There's nothing like them anywhere else."

Now that I was done my steak, I started to become interested in Jen's chest again which she caught me looking at a bit too long, and proudly arched her back, as she explained what she wanted to do after college with her degree.

Once we got back to our dorm Jason discreetly excused himself to another room allowing Jen and I to explore one another. We started to kiss and things got heated very quickly. As I excitedly undid her top and the clasp on her bra she stopped me.

"I think I really like you and would rather that we take things slowly, if that's ok with you?"

"Sure, I agree, I've enjoyed tonight and would like to see you again." I was holding one of her breasts in my hand and was a little disappointed in how loose it seemed to be. It was my first opportunity to enjoy D size breasts and here they seemed to be saggy. I was pondering why they looked so much better when she had clothes on and then spotted the hot pink padded push up bra on the floor. Mystery solved. By her stopping the action it relieved me from explaining why I was suddenly not as excited as I should have been, caused by a combination of disappointment and the drugs and booze.

Jen sighed with relief and nuzzled her head into the crook of my neck, "I'm so glad to hear you say that."

That week leading up to Vails was a blur other than the fact that it rained most of the week. Rain as every rower knows causes debris to be washed down the Schuylkill. The debris could be anything from logs, hot water heaters, syringes, used condoms to a dead dog here and there.

Our qualifying round was on a Friday and it was still overcast but the rain had passed and the river was free from most debris with a very fast current. A fast current meant that boats that rowed well together and had swing with controlled slides would move on top of the water like it was on rails. Whereas a boat that wasn't in time would struggle more than usual.

In a boat, each rower sits on a seat that, in turn, sits on rails or tracks. The seat slides forward when the oar is out of the water and back when the oar is being pulled through the water. The motion forward is called a slide; it's the stroke recovery when the oar is traveling out of the water going back for the catch of the water. It's critical that this slide is slow and controlled and not rushed. A rushed or crashed slide will cause the boat to lose forward momentum. The first rower or stroke is responsible, along with the coxswain, for controlling the boats slide. Once a boat starts crashing their slides it's like domino's going down, it's very hard to stop and easy to continue. The coxswain keeps track of the stroke rate which is the amount of full cycle strokes the boat is taking per minute and will tell the boat to slow the slide if the rate is getting too high for the point in the race or the skill of the boat. The coxswain can also feel if the slide is crashing by the jerking motion in the boat. An elite boat can row with a higher stroke rate without crashing their slides than a novice boat can. The key to a faster stroke is hand and leg speed. This means having quicker arms away from the body on the recovery and quicker leg drives with the oar in the water. On the catch of the oar in the water the first part of the stroke is driving the legs down, then swinging the back backwards and pulling the arms towards the body. The return part of the stroke is the opposite, arms, body, legs all in one fluid motion.

Our boat had no swing and little control over our slides on a good day, and the fact that the current was fast was a bad sign. We'd won races by sheer strength up until now.

As we rowed up to the top of the river for the start of our race, I inhaled deeply and let the smell of the Schuylkill waft over me. The Schuylkill had a distinct aroma. It smelled of dead fish mixed with an earthy smell born of the two plus feet of sludge and silt that covered the riverbed. This dead fishy earthy smell would mix with the faint sweet smell of the cherry tree blossoms that lined the river banks. The smell would at once repel and entice the senses leaving you with a lingering sense of not having quite enough and having a bit too much like a skilled lover. Today was such a day. Oh well, I thought, at least this was comforting.

I wasn't nervous for the start of the race; I just wanted to get it over with. It was a disaster from the start. One of us caught a crab within the first 20 strokes causing us to fall into 5th out of 6 boats when only the top 3 would advance to the semi-finals. Midway through the race we were crashing our slides like we were trying to run the seats right off the rails. Through the descending blackness I could hear our coxswain screaming for us to control the slide but to no avail.

It was about then that another one of us caught a giant crab that caused the boat to lurch completely sideways and stop us dead in the water. The race was over. I didn't put any effort at all into my strokes, letting my oar glide through the water for the rest of the race deciding that there was no reason to stress myself at this point. I heard Jason yelling at me to pull. He must have noticed that my arms and back were no longer showing stress. I had to give him credit the guy never gave up even in the face of defeat.

As our boat edged up to the dock, I vented all of the frustration that had been building up and yelled, "Fuck this shit! I don't need to deal with this anymore," heaving my oar onto the dock and climbing out of the boat. Coach yelled after me but I ignored him, I was done with rowing.

Jason chased after me, "Dude, look at the bright side, now we party tomorrow!" I was kind of surprised he didn't berate me again for quitting during the race and instead tried to find the silver lining in our loss. Maybe he thought I was really serious about not ever getting into a boat again and was letting me cool off.

He had a point and I cheered up, thinking of the party down at the river tomorrow.

Chapter 3 – Too Much of a Good Thing

One of our close friends was Becky Thompson, whom we met at orientation freshman year. We would compare her to the character Dominique Francon from "The Fountainhead". Like Dominique, she was a dark haired beauty that attracted guys' attention wherever she went. We would also idealize her much like Dominique was, in that, she seemed to do her own thing not worrying about society and what they thought of her. But, like most of us, Becky did indeed care what people thought.

Since Jason and I weren't racing, we all decided to head down to the river around ten in the morning and do some partying. Partying at the races involved a few six packs and some more of Jason's famously rolled joints. From Drexel's campus the river and the race course is about a two to three mile walk, On the way, we routinely stopped at the local pizza place that also sold beer, to grab the six packs. The owner's wife couldn't speak English and, and therefore it was always a guarantee that she would sell beer to minors. She'd just look at us, smile, and ask in broken English, "How is you?" nodding. For all she knew there was no legal drinking age. We paid, packed our joints, popped open some beer and headed down to the river for a day of friends, sun and fun. The previous day's loss a not so distant memory.

It was a beautiful late Spring morning in May, not a cloud in the sky and people from all over Philadelphia's many college campuses were headed to the river for the day's festivities. In order to get to the race course on foot from the city you pass the art museum and then boat house row. Since it was early and not too many people were out and about yet, We decided to walk up the steps of the art museum. There was no running; running up the steps a la Rocky was for tourists.

We chose a prime spot that had the best view of the city skyline and lit a joint. As I exhaled slowly letting the smoke seep out of my mouth, and circle my head before dissipating, I thought about our boat and what might have been.

"We were robbed. You guys know that if we had our old boat we would have been in the finals today."

"Maybe so, but we wouldn't have been able to enjoy the day like we are now," Jason said gazing with a twinkle in his eyes at Becky.

"Can't you just be happy about doing so well this year? No one expected you guys to do so well and look at all the races you won," replied Becky looking at Jason with a narrow-eyed suspicious look that could only have been interpreted as 'why are you gazing at me that way'?

"The varsity assholes did it on purpose, and look at them, they didn't make the finals either. That boat was rigged for us, that was our boat!"

"Dude, chill, I'm enjoying this, what's done is done."

I turned away from Jason and Becky and reflected on the beauty of the museum and the surrounding city. The Philadelphia Art Museum sits at the head of the Ben Franklin Parkway which is a tree lined drive with old row homes and apartment buildings flanking both sides. The museum sits atop a hill and affords a view of the downtown area of the city from the top of the steps. Looking down you are treated to a vista of fountains and statues leading into the city in the middle of the parkway. At the opposite end of the parkway is city hall with William Penn standing atop his perch looking out over his city.

Jason turned to look in the same direction as my gaze, "Yo look, old Willy Penn has a hard on for us."

"Uh huh, or is he taking a leak on us, it depends on how you look at it." I replied.

William Penn holds his hand down at his side with his palm facing down and his fingers extending out holding a scroll. From certain angles it looks like he has whipped his member out to lord it over the city. Alexander Calder either had a good sense of humor or was very naïve when he was designing that sculpture.

"You know you're a downer sometimes, I say it's an enormous erection because he's excited about the day ahead."

"Hmm, yeah, well, I guess he's not the only one." I said looking pointedly at Jason's crotch.

He'd obviously been thinking about Becky a bit too hard and quickly changed the subject, "Dude, hand me a beer, I've got cotton mouth."

I caught Becky giggling behind her hand as I pulled some beers out of my backpack.

Having finished the joint, we headed around the back of the art museum and down the hill past the statues of famous generals and lieutenants from the Revolution, toward boathouse row. As we approached the boathouses, we deftly made our way through throngs of rowers carrying oars and boats into the houses with coaches barking out orders. I could tell by the way Jason was trying to squeeze his shoulders in and around rowers that he was feeling the pot paranoia so I broke out some more beers as we walked.

The houses on boathouse row are all different sizes, shapes and colors. Some have been renovated and some are run down and barely standing. On the bottom floors of the houses the boats are stacked in racks lined up from floor to ceiling. The oars are all lined up along the walls standing with the blades pointing up to keep them from being damaged. Typically, on the second floors of the houses there are weight rooms with lockers and an area to sit and relax. Some of the houses also have areas for lavish parties that can be rented out. Other houses are just set up for the rowers and have various couches and even sleeping quarters. Every house has a floating dock leading to the water which is where all of the boats were headed today.

Further up the river away from the city, the rowers that weren't rowing yet or had already rowed were congregating. There was an electricity in the air that was palpable. All of the colors of the spectrum were represented in the rowing uniforms of the schools. People were talking and yelling and having a great time, greeting friends that they hadn't seen since the Summer and talking trash about the upcoming races. Everyone wanted to win Vails.

We passed the finish line, walked behind the spectator stands which were overflowing with people watching the races and passed into the multitudes of people lining the race course. Looking out all we could see were the tents and flags flying the colors of alma maters that people had erected so their fellow alumni could locate them easily. Everyone was drinking and having a good time. There was music playing and the smell of barbecue permeating the air. My senses, not yet dulled by the beer, were still stimulated by the pot and I stopped, took a deep breath with my eyes closed and smiled.

It had taken us a good half hour to reach the race course and we were all well on our way to being trashed. I tripped over a beer bottle as we walked looking for a good place to hang out. I smiled again; this time with a glint in my eye as I reached down grabbed the bottle and, in one quick motion, tossed the bottle out onto the race course. It turned slowly end over end in a long arc and landed with a splash into the water.

"Dude, you're such an ass, the boats are going to hit that!" We couldn't help but giggle and quickly turned, pretending to look around to see who threw the bottle.

"I'm starving," Becky slurred in her stoned voice and wandered off alone, not waiting for us to reply.

"Hey, look who it is," Jason said, pointing to a group of guys just ahead of us. Six of them circled around a keg like a pack of wild dogs around the carcass of a dead animal. It was some of the guys we knew from the dorm, the ring leader being a big JROTC Marine named Raj. "Dude!" Jason waved to Raj with his empty can.

"Help yourself," said Raj in response. But as Jason made his way up to the keg Raj stepped in front of him and shoved him hard face first into the mixture of beer and mud that had formed around the keg. Seeing Jason spread eagle in the muck, Raj gave a guffaw and looked around at his buddies for a response at which point they immediately obliged laughing at the muck soaked Jason.

Jason didn't care much about the mud, he just wanted a beer and picked himself up out of the mud, tried to wipe as much of the mud off that he could, and filled a cup up for himself and one for me. I grabbed the cup and we both drained what would barely pass for piss water and refilled immediately.

Becky caught up with us twenty minutes and three beers later. She was happily biting into a big Philly soft pretzel which to me looked like a slice of heaven. With me off to the side, Raj and his friends had decided to have another go at Jason, and had formed a circle around him and were taking turns shoving him into the mud and calling him pussy boy. Every time Jason got up one of Raj's friends would shove him down again making some comment about gay rowers as Jason took severely delayed and wild roundhouse swings at them.

"Fuck off you big jar head dumb shit asshole," slurred Jason as he blew snot bubbles out of his nose and swung wildly missing one of the pack. I stood back not wanted to be pushed into the mud myself, realizing the pack mentality of this group, feeling slightly guilty.

Trying to ignore the destruction going on behind us, I turned to Becky, "Give me some of that," I demanded of her pretzel.

"One bite," Becky said as I opened my mouth wide and she lightly fed the pretzel into my mouth. I had other ideas however, I was hungry and stoned, so I opened my mouth wide clamping down on as much of the pretzel as I could fit into my mouth. As I clamped down on the pretzel in the back of my semi-conscious mind I was surprised at how hard it seemed to be, but I continued to bite down hard. Becky's scream brought me out of my single minded determination to bite through this hard pretzel making me release my clamped down teeth.

"You bit me you asshole!" Becky cried so loud that the entire pack, busy attacking Jason, turned to see what was going on. She was shouting, laughing and screaming all at the same time, her senses being completely dulled, as a trickle of blood ran down her hand. My heart started pounding as I nervously laughed trying to get my bearings and understand what had just happened. I quickly concluded that laughing wasn't the right thing to do, but I couldn't help myself. Jason suddenly came to his senses and grabbed the napkins from Becky's other hand and attempted to wrap her finger.

She was screaming, "Kevin is a vampire, he bit me!" waving her hand around in the air as drops of blood flew in all directions.

Jason handed one of the napkins to me, "Cool it, dude. It's not funny, you bit her. Wipe your mouth." I obeyed wiping my mouth as I continued to struggle with the nervous giggles. While the pack pointed and laughed in the background.

Eventually Becky got cleaned up and assured by Jason that she was going to keep her finger. For the next hour, she complained and told anyone in hearing distance that I bit her, omitting the fact that it was an accident. She also failed to mention that she fed her finger to me as garnish on what I thought was a hard soft pretzel. No, people thought I was just a psycho with a weird fetish who went around grabbing girls' hands and biting down on them. Once the commotion died down, I slunk towards the keg to take the edge off with some more beer in an attempt to stay away from Becky and her ranting.

Jason went back to getting shoved into the mud as Raj and his buddies continued to taunt him. I stood to the side, feeling bad, but not bad enough to step in. They kept at it until he was covered from head to toe in mud at which point Becky pulled Jason tripping to the river's edge to get him away from the abuse.

Feeling left out and wanting to show Raj that I could be part of their dog pack I turned to him, "watch this," I whispered conspiratorially. In my deranged state I had decided that Jason needed to be pushed into the river, so I promptly walked up behind him and gave him a shove and down he went over a five foot high ledge into the muddy Schuylkill landing with a splash.

As I walked back to the group feeling good I heard Becky yell, "Raj, he's drowning, save him!"

What I had forgotten about the Schuylkill was that while the water was not over three feet where I pushed Jason in, there was another two to three feet of sludge on the bottom of the river. Dealing with the sludge would have been a challenge for a sober person, but given Jason's inebriated state, his chances of getting out were slim to none and he soon began to flounder and sputter. Raj reacted quickly rushed over, and fished Jason out of the water. Collectively, and without saying a word, as Jason lay gasping and cursing at me on the ground, we decided that this was the end of our outing and started heading back to the dorm. Becky had to literally carry Jason back to the dorms with one of her friends help, allowing for frequent pit stops to let Jason spew all of the toxins from his body.

I ended up walking back to the dorm by myself, feeling bad about what I had done, not wanting to have to watch Jason stagger home covered in mud. Half way back I heard someone yelling my name from a car; "Kevin! KEVIN DOUGHERTY!, over here!" I looked up from my walking trance and saw Lori. Oh no, I'd kind of forgotten about Lori since going to her dance class and in fact had been avoiding her around campus. Although I liked the idea of Lori and that she wanted me so badly she frankly made me nervous especially when I wasn't protected by Jason.

Lori was tall and skinny with dark hair and a nice smile. She had a typical body for a dancer, with small breasts and a tight butt, but strangely thick legs, which were firm from years of dancing. Ever since she'd offered to take me home, within an hour of our first introduction, Lori and I had had an on again, off again relationship, based on how drunk I was. The more drunk I was, the more likely we would be going home together. The fact that it took absolutely no effort whatsoever on my part to get Lori to offer herself up to me always got me wondering how many guys she'd actually gone home with, a thought that completely turned me off. Now she found me in a weakened state, as if she was able to sense it, and deciding that I didn't want to walk home by myself, I climbed in the backseat of her candy apple red BMW, nodding to her roommate Leah who was driving, as I shut the door. I didn't care much for Leah. She never said much, was short and pear shaped with a snobby attitude that I couldn't quite figure out given the fact that she wasn't the most attractive banana in the bunch, or more accurately pear.

As I climbed in the car, I took note of Lori giving me a once over, lingering for a split second on my mid-section, which let me know what her intentions were. I responded by asking her what the crap on the radio was. They were listening to some top 40 station which, frankly, insulted my ears and was not in my listening repertoire.

"Come on Lori, what the hell is this crap you're listening to?" I said trying to be playful.

"Ahh, what's the matter, can't handle some American pop can you, you music snob," she said flirtatiously.

I wouldn't listen to anything that was on rotation on the regular radio. Lori was going to do anything to accommodate me at this point and I knew it, so she put on some alternative music as we pulled away.

"So, what are you doing tonight?" Lori asked trying to act casual.

"I was thinking of just going back to my room and crashing." I heard Leah who was driving snort and give me a hateful look in the rear view mirror. I caught myself thinking that she could really use a good screw, but didn't explore that thought any further since it wasn't going to be me and I couldn't think of anyone else off hand that would do the job either.

Giving Leah the finger by scratching my nose, I asked Lori, "Why, what are you doing?"

"We were going to go back and hang out at our place and drink some more." Lori had a great place and despite every fiber of my being telling me that it wasn't a good idea and to avoid going home with her, I must admit that her place was great and I liked hanging out there. It was in a renovated row home which had multiple levels in the main living area to break up the flow of the open design. It wasn't a typical student's apartment unless that student happened to have a lot of family money, which Lori did.

"Want to come back and have a few beers with us?" asked Lori.

"Sure, why not?" I knew the "us" meant just Lori and myself and at this point I didn't care.

"Don't sound so excited about it," she said as she gave me a longing half glance from the front seat. Ahh man, I thought to myself, I'm in trouble now.

At Lori's place Leah immediately skulked off to her room leaving Lori and I alone and me getting more nervous by the minute. I had to sit on my hands to keep them from becoming too wet with anxious perspiration born of a situation that I wasn't sure I wanted to be in. We both grabbed beers and Lori put on some haunting music trying to set the mood for what I was dreading and Lori was relishing.

Lori could be really endearing and a great listener when she wanted something and tonight that something happened to be me. She listened to me and interjected her thoughts at all the right points, as I talked. We talked about Jason and Becky and how we thought they should get together but how that would never happen since Becky was dating a childhood sweetheart and was practically engaged. Eventually Lori got up from the couch we were both sitting on and excused herself. As she walked away from me, I gazed with desire at her tight rear end. She must have known I would watch her walk away because she had a bit more swing in her hips than normal as she headed out of the room and down the hallway.

I found myself getting excited and shifted my weight around a bit in an attempt to hide it. I didn't want her to feel too confident. When she got back she sat down next to me on the couch, much closer than when she'd left, and started to rub my shoulders slowly. Her hands made their way around front and began to make their way under my shirt and up to my chest. I leaned into her and took a deep slow, longing breath of her scent; I shivered slightly with anticipation and some trepidation, and committed myself to what would happen next.

We moved into Lori's bedroom in case Leah decided to crawl out of her lair later. We were at the point where we were both in various states of undress and a lot of heavy petting was taking place. Moisture was rising from both our bodies when I started to panic and become nauseous. Lori looked up from kissing me and asked if I had protection, and, as I thought about it I decided against this going any further.

"Lori, I have to go." I couldn't look her in the face as I told her. This wasn't the first time that I had done this but it was probably the last.

"Why, what's wrong?" she asked with an edge to her voice, knowing what was going on, and feigning concern.

"I have the spins." I told her, knowing that she wasn't going to believe me.

"Kevin, you're such a DICK!" she screamed at me hitting me with a pillow.

"I know." I said trying to sound sorry but knowing that I'd just narrowly escaped doing something I'd regret later.

"Fuck YOU, shove it up your sorry, gay ass!" she screeched at me as I grabbed the rest of my clothes and hunched my way out of her apartment with the last few remaining shreds of my dignity.

Shit, shit, shit, I stomped it out on the pavement, as I walked back to my room. Why did I do that again? I wanted to stay, but I'd truly been sick, maybe from the stress of not really wanting to have sex with her? I'd had sex before, it couldn't be that.

The next day the story among our friends was that I had begged Lori to take me home with her and when I had asked her to sleep with me she had outright refused. I didn't mind, I owed her that much since I'd pulled this stunt with her twice before. No one really believed the story anyway. Still, I was down and still trying to figure out my malfunction.

Just when I thought the day couldn't get any worse, Jason dropped his bombshell when we met for a break in classes in the dorm common area, "Dude, I'm transferring from Drexel."

"Whhaa, where?"

"I'm starting at Pitt in September."

"Why?" I could barely get it out.

"Money, I don't like Drexel, I need a change, what else is there?"

"But you're going to miss rowing."

"What rowing? We suck. The freshman boat was the only bright spot of a terrible crew team."

I couldn't believe it. I felt betrayed, stunned and confused all at once. I was sure he was still intoxicated and upset about me pushing him into the river and wasn't really serious about leaving. "I didn't know you were even thinking of leaving. What about Becky?"

"She's one of the reasons I'm leaving, I'm tired of chasing her, knowing that nothing will ever happen."

"Fuck you, you're an asshole."

"This is exactly why I waited so long to tell you. Go off and be a prick, but know that you're still my best friend and we'll still see each other."

I got up, turned, and headed down the hallway without another word. The prospect of the loneliness of losing my best friend and rowing partner hit me hard, sweeping over me all at once. I didn't understand how this had come up so suddenly. He'd obviously been planning it for a while. The day had become extremely dark. I stormed out of the dorm as the blackness enveloped me. The street was a long dark tunnel that I had to walk down but there was no end, no light.

Chapter 4 - Lost

When the sun rises on a clear day over the city, the art museum is basked in gold with streaks of sun flowing over it like a sheer golden blanket causing the museum to stand out like a relief framed by the brightening sky behind it. Rowing away, looking at this scene makes you feel like a God setting out to battle some unknown opponent. I would hold my oar feeling the strength in my legs and back straining as the oar moved quietly though the water and the boat glided on glassy calm water with barely a sound. This is what kept me rowing during the first few months of my sophomore year. It was not, however, enough to keep me rowing the entire year.

I was still hurting from Jason's unexpected departure and, feeling alone at Drexel, I began to lose my way. Rowing was alright, but it wasn't the same not having someone to share the good and the bad with. I was part of a boat that got absolutely no attention from the coach and half the mornings of the week couldn't even field an entire boat. In an eight man boat if one person doesn't show up, the boat can't go out. This happened to us about two mornings per week. Eventually, I decided that there was no real point to get up either and stopped going many mornings. By the middle of the season I had all but quit rowing.

One of the few distractions allowing me to forget about Jason and rowing was that I had begun hanging out with gap toothed Jen from New York again. She had returned to visit the same friend, and looked me up. We had hung out for almost the entire weekend and this time, unlike the previous time, had kept in touch after she went back to Columbia. Jen was a fun distraction, and visiting her in New York was always a blast. Jen had a unique personality and background that held my interest, getting caught up in something totally different from anything I'd encountered before. I'd usually head up on the train skipping my Friday classes and stay until Monday morning skipping all my morning classes.

We'd hang out at her apartment overlooking an area with lots of designer shops. I could stand at her window looking out at all the people and the traffic for hours trying to imagine where each person was coming from and going to. Did they have someone at home waiting for them? Were they headed out for a night of drinking and nameless sex? Were they someone that ruled the world or were they someone that didn't want to be in the world at all?

It was mid-Winter and as usual I headed up to NYC to visit Jen. We had plans to go to a party at one of her friends' apartments. Up until now I'd managed to avoid Jen's friends because in the back of my mind this thing with Jen was temporary, it had to be. For Jen it had developed into something more, I could tell, and my meeting her friends was a first step in a direction that I was hesitant to move towards with her.

It was snowing lightly and I was in my usual position staring out the window at the hordes of people passing by and enjoying the lights as it reflected off the snowflakes coming down. The ground was getting covered but it was a slushy mess of dirty brownish-gray snow. The flakes were hypnotizing; they were coming down so closely packed together that it was a black, white and neon filled maze of color.

"What's wrong Kev? You've been awfully quiet." Jen walked up behind me and attempted to wrap her arm around my waist which I wriggled free from.

I hated that name and wanted to tell her, but didn't think that it was worth my energy. I must have been standing there for a long time when Jen had walked out from her shower and not gotten any acknowledgment from me. "Nothing, I'm just looking at all the lights. Why don't you break open some of the coke you got?"

"Don't you want to save it for later?"

"No, I want to start now, cut me out some lines."

Jen carefully measured out some chunks and then methodically created very straight thinly cut lines with a razor blade. "Ahh, now that's better, so who are these friends of yours that we're meeting tonight?" I said, removing my finger from my left nostril and snorting again to get any remaining powder up my nose. My face and throat began to get numb and I felt the familiar rush, the sudden unmistakable onset of being unnaturally happy. It was a tightrope that I walked with coke. I had to avoid thinking about rowing because the sadness of my thoughts would bring me down faster than I could do lines.

"They're people that I know from school and home. Chad used to work with me at my Dad's porn store..."

Before she could finish telling me about the rest of her friends I interrupted laughing with surprise. "Excuse me? Did you just say porn store? And your Dad in the same sentence?"

"Yeah, so, I told you about that didn't I?" Jen said acting very nonchalant.

"Uhh, no, I think I'd remember that one."

"Oh well, yeah, my Dad owns a porn store and I used to work there at the counter in the Summers."

"Oh, this is priceless. Your Dad is a porn king and you worked in the industry and yet you keep avoiding having sex with me whenever we get close. Riddle me that." I was irritated but part of me was intrigued. Here was someone that could teach me about sex, or at least the perverse and depraved part of it, or so I thought.

"Oh calm down, I don't want to talk about this right now. Have another line or a beer or something."

"Whatever." I snorted up a few more lines and quickly forgot the porn for the time being.

Jen's friends lived in a cool little apartment that had a nice view of the Empire State Building from the balcony. Like it always did, NYC at night inspired me to drink more and do more drugs. Jen's friends had plenty of coke and wine for the offering and within an hour I was well on my way to no-where-land. Jen's friends were pretty average; they were students for the most part with just a little bit more money than your average kid. They discussed their classes and projects and their plans for the weekend, what flea markets they were going to hit. They began to bore me as I realized that I had nothing in common with any of them. I loathed any form of shopping, was brought up in an upper middle-class family and lived in a house in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I stuck to a comfortable corner chair I'd found that had a good view of the Empire State Building and the snow that continued to fall.

Just as I was thinking of asking when dinner would be served the host announced dinner was ready and at the same time, in burst Chad. A hush encircled the room as everyone turned to look. Chad was very tall and very skinny with blazing aqua blue eyes. He had on a wrinkled plaid green shirt half of which was untucked, hanging out over a pair of torn jeans and a thick black belt. On closer inspection, Chad had carefully crafted his disheveled look. Not a single blond hair was out of place, styled just so with the right amount of hair gel keeping every single hair in its assigned "out of place" place. As grungy as he tried to appear, his boots, which had not a spot of dirt, water stain or scuff on them were the smoking gun that he was trying to adopt an image that was really more about the style than it was about the lifestyle. Chad strutted into the room, liking the attention and his gaze quickly fell on me.

"Jen you bitch, you didn't tell me that your new boy toy was so cute. He's fierce, will you share him?" Chad walked up to me and instead of shaking my outstretched hand he draped his loose arm around my shoulder. I maneuvered myself away from his touch as much as possible as the scent of patchouli oil wafted over me, which was next to impossible, considering the tight grasp he had on me.

"Oh Chad, you slut, go find your own boy toy." Jen laughed and introduced us with Chad still clinging to my shoulder.

"Yumm, you are deeeelish." Chad patted my chest with a light flip of his hand as he let me go and we headed to the dinner table.

The conversation at dinner quickly centered on Chad. He was an animated talker and personally, I was just happy someone had something to talk about outside of school and NYC life in general. I quickly learned that Chad, through working at Jen's family video store had made some industry connections and was now a porn star in his own right. Chad drove a Winter white BMW with a license plate that appropriately said "slide in". The image that this plate brought to mind made me gag. I had gotten the briefing on Chad from Jen before we had left her apartment in an attempt to keep my shock from physically displaying itself on me.

"Jen told me about your license plate, what's it mean?" I asked wanting to see what Chad said.

Chad relished the attention and replied, "It means no matter how big you are I'll slide you in. Shall we see if you can fit the mold?"

I made a gagging sound and looked at Jen who was loving that I was getting along with one of her friends.

"Chad did you do any shoots this week?" asked one of Jen's friends.

"Nope, so I had to practice all week." Chad replied with a Cheshire cat grin.

"What do you mean practice?" I asked genuinely wondering.

"I jerked off all week; hmm let me see now," at this point Chad paused for effect, placing his index finger on his chin and tapping, "about ten times a day."

"Excuse?" I coughed out, "ten times a day, impossible."

"Nope, it's easy. Shall I show you?" Chad moved to touch his crotch. "It's good for you, you should try it sometime."

"You'd rub the skin right off your dick if you did that regularly," I replied reaching quickly for my wine and wishing they were serving coke for dinner.

"Nope, you develop great callouses, it's great for lasting longer when doing someone in a movie. By the way cutey, I could get you into any movie you want. Just say the word, you can start off by doing me, I'll take it easy on you." Chad reach over to lightly touch my shoulder again.

I was beginning to get uncomfortable with this conversation not to mention it was starting to creep me out. I cringed when Chad touched my shoulder wondering if he'd washed his hands 10 times today. Chad noticed and smirked, he was enjoying himself.

"Has Jen shared all her wild times with you yet? She's a real wild cat, are you sure you can handle her?" Chad said stressing the word cat, giving me an up and down look while smacking his lips.

I took a huge swig of wine wishing that everyone would vaporize and looked Chad in the eye, "Yeah, I'm sure I can handle her. At least much better than you can."

"Ooh hoo, there you go big guy, how sure are you about that?"

"That's enough Chad, let's change the subject," said Jen becoming noticeably uncomfortable.

"Oh, I see you haven't shared your sordid past with him have you. Well then let me help you with that." Chad was on a drunken roll now and there was no stopping him. Jen made as if to get up but I shot her a look that said sit down I want to hear this, so she just shrugged and stayed.

"Well, let me tell you little miss Jen was a hot number at the store. She, not too infrequently took guys that came in into the back alley to provide sexual favors."

"Chad, please stop."

"Come on Miss Jen, Kevin needs to know what he has to compete with. Anyway, I remember one guy in particular; he was tall with piercings in every visible orifice and from what Jen reported non-visible ones as well. Isn't that right Jen?" Jen sank low into her chair and tried to catch my eyes, which I was avoiding.

"He came into the store to rent gay porn so I figured he was all mine for the taking but old Jen here wanted a competition so she bet me she could get him out back before I could. And do you know what she did?" Chad paused for effect and looked around at Jen's embarrassed and thoroughly surprised friends. "She walked around the counter and unzipped this guy's jeans right there in the store and started to blow him. I guess I don't need to tell any of you that Miss Jen won that bet."

I looked around at everyone but Jen, who I wanted to avoid no one knew what to say, but Chad did. "Whoa boy, after that story I feel like I need to whack off. Excuse me while I retire to the bathroom." And with that Chad pushed back his chair and walked out of the room, very proud of himself.

Jen was in tears, "Kevin, I'm so sorry, I was so young and I was lost. I didn't know what I was doing." Jen was pleading. "I'm so sorry, I didn't think it was something that you'd understand. It was another person that did all those things." Jen started to sob.

I felt pity but didn't feel like she deserved it. More than anything I felt foolish. Here I was dating her for how many months now and we'd not yet had sex. I guess I wasn't good enough for her. I felt like I wouldn't be able to satisfy her anyway, after all I had very little experience with women. I quickly downed another glass of wine.

"Listen Jen," I finally looked at her, "I don't think I'm ready to talk about this right now, can we just drop it until later." Jen nodded in tearful agreement and we retired into the living room.

Chad came out of the bathroom ten minutes later rubbing his hands together and smacking his lips. "Ahh, now I'm ready for some dessert, Jen want to help me with that out back?" Chad guffawed.

"Chad, you're such as asshole sometimes, fuck you! We're leaving!" Jen got up and grabbed my arm.

As we were thanking our hosts at the door and Jen was apologizing, Chad came up from behind and planted a soft kiss on my neck that sent shivers down my spine and whispered, "my offer to do porn stands, anytime you're ready."

On the way back to Jen's, when we were crossing the street, she took a tumble into a slushy brown puddle. I just looked at her with mild disgust as she looked up at me hoping that I would give her my hand. When I didn't, she started to cry again.

"Do you want to know what that asshole I went out back with ended up giving me as my reward?" Jen sobbed, "he gave me genital warts. They don't go away and there's nothing I can do. That's why I've avoided coming close to sex with you because I didn't know how to tell you and I didn't want to give them to you. So there, now you know. I wanted to ravage to you the day I met you, and couldn't. How do you think that makes me feel, that I can't risk sex with the person that I care about because of a stupid mistake I made when I was a kid."

I started to feel bad but the insecurity in me quickly took over. "How many other guys did you take out back, how do you know it was that guy? Chad made it seem like you did it all the time."

"Chad said, Chad said, he was jealous because he wanted that guy. I never did it with anyone else."

"I'm supposed to believe that?"

"Believe what you want, it's the truth." Jen was no longer sobbing and was speaking with clarity and a bit of anger. "Now you know Kevin. We can have sex but you have to use protection and there's still a chance that you'll get what I have."

That night, I wasn't ready to be making any decisions about sex, all I could think about were giant warts growing on my penis. Finally, I decided abstinence was the best decision and slept on the couch. The next day I left early to catch the train back but not before checking myself in the bathroom for any phantom warts that might have appeared overnight, leaving Jen with a quick kiss and nothing else. I had already decided that I would not be seeing Jen again but didn't know how to break it to her. I resorted to what would be considered a classic dick move; I simply avoided her calls for the next few weeks and eventually she stopped calling.

A few months later, on a cool clear Spring night, I found myself walking alone, stoned and drunk around campus. It was one of those early Spring nights when everything smells fresh and of earthly things coming to life again after a long Winter. I took a deep breath inhaling as much air as I could into my lungs, trying to fill them with the scents that surrounded me, sensing that the flowers and trees were just days away from bursting back to bloom. The night and the smells brought back a memory of riding on a swing as a child. Higher and higher, the air being driven into my lungs with each upward swing, thinking that if I swung high enough all the things troubling me would be behind me, as if I could swing forward in time. I remembered thinking that everything would be alright and I was suddenly filled with the same inner peace, everything was going to be alright.

At the time I was working at a prestigious hotel in the city during a work/study semester. I had a mild interest in a girl at school but had made no progress in getting to know her. We'd had a few conversations and had exchanged numbers with the promise to get together, but so far neither of us had called the other. The coming weekend, she and her roommates were having a big blowout party and she specifically invited me to come. I knew that this was my opportunity to get to know her a bit better, but I had a problem. I was scheduled to work that same night at the hotel. Without giving it much thought and not even thinking about calling in sick, I called in to say that I quit and would not be working there anymore. This was against the rules since this was part of my coursework and would be detrimental in getting my degree. I knew this and decided on the spot that I would be leaving Drexel. My mind had been made up for a while now. This was my excuse, I had to go to this party. In reality the party was the first stepping stone in making the life changes that I needed to make. My decision took me across town to Temple University. I also decided that I wanted to row again and committed to joining the Temple crew team.

Chapter 5 – Changes

Temple has a rich history of fielding very successful heavyweight crew teams. They recruit heavily from local Philadelphia area prep schools and typically are competitive with all of the elite rowing schools. By the time I started at Temple, that Fall, I had lost a lot of weight as a result of less drunken binge eating, but still weighed in the low 180's, small for a heavyweight rower. Temple had never been interested in competing in lightweight races, so I would remain a heavyweight while on the Temple crew team. Not only was I light for a heavyweight but I was comparatively short for a heavyweight rower, being only six feet tall. One of the advantages that a bigger person has in a boat is that they are able to use their height and weight as leverage to move the oar through the water with more power. This is why elite heavyweight rowers are typically tall. During Fall recruiting, all walk on rowers to Temple's team with no rowing experience had to be at least 6'2" tall and weigh at least 200 lbs. Rowing is divided into weight classes; heavyweight, which is unlimited and lightweight which means that the average boat weight must be 160 lbs. with no rower in the boat weighing more than 165 lbs.

Jason was still at school far from Philadelphia, but we still kept in touch and would talk now and then on the phone or email or make the long road trip to hang out and party with one another. Once I made the decision to row again I was at peace. Everything was in perfect alignment. I remember walking around the Temple campus feeling happy, the trees were whispering in the wind the air seemed extra fresh, life in general seemed special. I had a passion for something again. I was looking forward to rowing again. During my first week of school that Fall, on Monday, I called Jason to tell him about my decision to row for Temple.

"Hey, I'm going to row for Temple."

"Hmm, are you sure you can handle that fat boy?" he said sounding more than a little envious. Fat boy had become my nickname since Jason had always been a lighter rower than I. Up until I attended my first Temple crew meeting I had envisioned myself as big and strong until I saw what real heavyweight rowers like the ones on the Temple varsity team looked like. They were tall, wide and muscle bound, and they had all rowed at prep schools.

"Yeah, well look who's talking, not only can I beat you in any race you pick, I would humiliate you, you'd beg for mercy. If we ran a 5k now you probably wouldn't even see me at the finish I'd be so far ahead."

"Dude," Jason said trying to talk while choking out a laugh, "I can kick your ass anytime, you just name the place and time."

Up until I started rowing at Drexel I had never really run much, if at all. That changed quickly. All rowers run for training and, as a result I had to take up running. Running is good cross training for rowers because in rowing the legs account for 75% of the power. The legs have to be strong and fast to drive down against the pressure of the water on the oar. So, during most of the season and all of the off season running is an integral part of training.

"Seriously though, I must say I'm pretty surprised and a bit more than a little jealous that you're going to be rowing again," said Jason. He too had been feeling less than passionate about school and life in general and admitted that he missed rowing, the camaraderie and the competition.

"Well, anyway, the next time you're in town I'll take you to school up any hill you choose," I said with the confidence in knowing that Jason hadn't worked out since he left Drexel.

"Yeah, we might have to see about that. In the meantime you let all those Temple pussy's know that you rowed for the great Drexel program, you'll have them shaking in their shoes. I'm jealous," Jason said dripping in sarcasm, and laughing.

"Hey, no one's stopping you from joining me are they?" I asked

"Yeah, sure I'll just pack up and leave school now that the Fall semester has started. Well, good luck, enjoy yourself," Jason said. And with that we hung up. I felt kind of bad that Jason wasn't joining me on the team and found myself wishing that he would.

That week I was walking on air, looking forward to my first practice, happy to be at a new school and enrolled in a new major. After I transferred and started at Temple I moved into a house, remaining on Drexel's campus with Calvin, a longtime friend of mine that I had known since high school. Temple isn't in the best of areas, so staying at Drexel seemed to be the lessor of two evils.

Calvin was a fitness instructor at the local YMCA when we first met in high school. He was one year ahead of me. Even back then he took great care of himself. He was the type of person that would get manicures, facials and shave his chest to better display his well-defined physique. The first time Calvin and I met I was working out. He was in between training clients and to pass the time he was hanging out and spotting me, telling me about his weekend activities which included his latest conquest of this girl or that. I was trying to concentrate on lifting and in the middle of his story I turned to him and told him that in all seriousness I didn't care about his story or his weekend. He stopped mid-sentence, walked out and promptly had me escorted out of the gym for "misuse" of the exercise equipment. It was the start of a long friendship in which we were constantly playing mind games and challenging one another.

The weekend following my conversation with Jason, one of Becky's friends had a party at their apartment. Becky had lots of friends and one of them always seemed to be good for a party. I was on a weeklong high knowing that Monday I'd be rowing again, and not just rowing for any team, but a very good and highly touted team at Temple. Calvin and I started drinking early in celebration at our place, listening to some tunes and just hanging out and enjoying ourselves. During the course of polishing off a bottle of vodka our neighbor Tatum stopped by. Tatum was a decent looking girl, although somewhat big boned. She had wavy dirty blond hair and hazel eyes, but her biggest asset was her chest which was extremely large and firm with no sign of sagging. They were the object of constant attention from Calvin who would always feign interest in Tatum to see if he could convince her to take her top off for us. More than a few times she came pretty close, but Calvin was never quite able to seal the deal.

This night was no different with Calvin coming close to molesting Tatum as we hung out and got drunker.

"Ahh, come on Tates, let's see them," said Calvin in his smooth voice showing mock interest in her.

"Sure Cal", she said, "you show me yours and I'll show you mine." This was a mistake since Calvin easily pulled his pants down and showed off the top half of his member.

"Ok Tates, it's your turn." Tatum started to unbutton her blouse and then stopped midway down thinking better of it.

"Tates, you're such a TEASE. Just look at poor Kevin, now he's going to have to excuse himself and use the bathroom!", Calvin yelled as we all laughed.

"Alright guys, I'm heading to the party, who's going with me?" Our bottle was empty and I was in the mood for more.

"I'll come along," said Tatum as she looked with a hint of longing at Calvin. I think she secretly enjoyed the teasing and wanted it to go further with Calvin.

"Not me, I think I'm heading into the city," said Calvin. He had a tendency to skip out on a lot of parties always with some lame excuse of heading into the city. I had pressed him on what he did in the "city", but he'd be vague, providing answers like: "I just go hang out at a bar" or "I go clubbing." I didn't feel like bothering him tonight so we said our good nights and headed out.

The party was packed and Tatum and I stuck together for the most part in close proximity to the keg. At about midnight I heard my name being called by one of the apartment's residents.

"Kevin, hey phone for you." What? I thought to myself, who the hell knew I was here? I grabbed the phone with my heart racing.

"Hello?" I said tentatively.

"Dude, I'm at the airport, come pick me up!" It was Jason!

"Excuse me? What airport? What are you talking about?"

"Dude, I quit school, I'm going to transfer to Temple. I'm coming home to row with you! Don't row for Temple. Let's join a boathouse and row in a double together."

I was having a hard time comprehending anything other than the fact that Jason was at the Philadelphia Airport needing someone to pick him up, but figured the details could be sorted out later. "Alright, we'll be at the airport in a bit." In one instant my plans changed from rowing for Temple to rowing with Jason at one of the many clubs on boathouse row. I wasn't sure what my exact emotion was, because I was still processing this news, but my initial reaction was guarded excitement.

Chapter 6 – Rowing Together

We decided that Jason would move in with Calvin and I, we had a two bedroom apartment and the room I was staying in could easily handle another bed. Jason and I decided to row at one of the boathouses that offered training in sculling instead of walking onto the Temple team. Neither one of us knew how to scull but we thought it would be the best way for both of us to have the opportunity to row in a boat together; that goal being to row in a double scull. The plan was for me to be the bow rower which meant that I would have to steer the boat with my foot using a rudder that was attached to my right foot's shoe using a cable which, in turn, could pivot left or right in turn moving the rudder and turning the boat. Jason was the stroke rower and would determine the stroke pace of the boat based on direction from me since I could see the competition. This was our plan at least, what we didn't think about was how much effort it would take to learn how to scull or to both weigh 160 lbs.

Sculling takes more finesse than rowing with sweep oars. Having to concentrate on two oars is a lot more difficult than handling one big oar as is the case in sweeps rowing which is what all of the college's row. When we joined the boathouse, we were told that before we could scull together we'd have to row in what were termed tubs. Tubs were big wide single boats that would not easily tip or sway from side to side. Sculling in a single or double takes great balance on the part of both rowers and timing is key. As disappointed as we were about not being able to get started right away in a normal boat, we were committed to rowing together, so we resigned ourselves to learning in the tubs. Tom, one of the better rowers from the boathouse, went out with us regularly to teach us how to scull.

We rowed in the tubs every day and mixed in either running or lifting weights as cross training. After three weeks of daily training in the tubs, we felt that we had sculling perfected. We were feeling pretty cocky and against Tom's advice and the boathouse rules, one mid-morning, when the boathouse was empty, we decided to take out a double on our own. It was getting colder out so we were dressed in full sweats as we lifted the double out of the boathouse and placed it gently into the river. Boathouse row was quiet, and not many people were out on the river either. We headed up river just past the Strawberry Mansion bridge, which is the typical turnaround for most boats since the river gets somewhat rocky any further up. We were feeling great, the boat felt smooth and we were in perfect sync with one another.

"I think we're ready to do some serious damage," I said feeling the high of doing what we had dreamt of doing for a while now.

"Dude, we're going to kick some ass!" Said Jason obviously feeling the same way.

I deftly steered the boat as if it was on rails, following the bend of the river with precise accuracy as if I'd been doing it for years. Once we got onto the race course that boats on the Schuylkill follow I called a power ten. This means give it 100% for ten strokes. This is typically called out by the coxswain in races to pull even or ahead of other boats. Used at the right time, a power ten or twenty can psychologically defeat another boat as the rowers see their competition pulling ahead or even with them.

"Ahh yaa, we're the shit," said Jason as the boat suddenly leapt forward out of the water with smooth precision like we'd been rowing together for years.

"Ok," I said feeling the excitement, "let's do a 1000 meter piece!" A typical race is 2000 meters so I decided to test us and see how we felt for 1000 meters.

We started as if we were in a race, both sitting at ready with our seats halfway up the slide rails, arms, legs and oars in the catch position ready to pull away at the gun. I called the start and we took off at a high stroke rate of approximately forty-two strokes per minute, taking smooth but not full slides for the first 20 strokes. After the first 20 strokes, I called the stroke rate down and we slowly brought it to a more manageable rate. After about 500 meters Jason started complaining that he couldn't go on at this pace much longer and I noticed his oars were starting to skim the top of the water on the recovery which was either laziness or he was telling the truth about being tired.

Screw it I thought to myself, he's just being a pussy. "Power 10!" I yelled. "Come on pussy boy, show me what you've got!"

Our rate went back up but this time it felt like we were fighting the water, the boat was no longer riding smoothly on top of the water, it was choppy and rough. I suddenly felt the boat lurch to my right or the port side. Jason's oar was caught in the water in the process of catching a monster crab. He was fighting the oar which was now functioning as a rudder and turning the boat sideways.

"Get your fucking oar out of the water!" I yelled to Jason as the boat tipped precariously to the port side.

"I'm trying to you dick, I can't!" He yelled back at me.

"We're taking on water, we're going to tip!" I yelled as the boat tipped onto its side. At that point Jason yanked his feet out of the shoes and the boat went all the way over. I couldn't get my feet out and started spluttering as I went under the murky water, struggling to get my feet out of my shoes. Jason pushed on the side of the boat in an attempt to get it back on its side enough for me to get my feet out and not drown. I finally succeeded and we both flipped the boat right side up. Jason somehow got back into the boat and held it steady while I climbed back in. We both sheepishly and dripping wet rowed as fast as we could back to the boathouse which wasn't very fast since the boat was still half full of water, racked the boat, and got out of the house as fast as we could.

In the boathouse the next day there was talk of one of the boats going out and being tipped but as far as we could tell no one knew who did it. All of the boathouses use oars with their symbols painted on the blades which is how someone knew the boat had been from our house, someone out on the river must have seen the boat tip. Jason and I decided, for now, to go back to rowing in the tubs with Tom coaching us.

When we weren't rowing, Jason and I were lifting and running. When we went for a run we would usually start out at a steady pace and slowly raise the pace until we were at a full sprint by the end trying to beat each other into submission. One day we invited Calvin out on one of our runs, convincing him that we'd take it easy on him. It was getting cold out and there was a crispness to the air that made it a perfect day for a nice run. We started out at a nice pace, running up the art museum steps as a warm up for our cold muscles. As we hit the top of the steps Jason and I looked at each other behind Calvin's back, both of us had a smirk on our face as we nodded knowingly to one another. We slowly started to pick the pace up, enough to make it harder but not enough that Calvin would notice yet.

"Hey bud, how ya doing?" I asked Calvin

"Fine, no problem, feeling good," he answered, slightly out of breath. Calvin was not one to give up and certainly not in front of Jason and I. Calvin prided himself in his fitness and physique and to give up would show weakness, which wasn't going to happen.

We headed out past the boathouses and continued on the path that parallels the water. There weren't many people out so we could run next to one another taking up most of the path. Jason and I made a point to keep talking, to show Calvin that we weren't even out of breath yet. As we continued, we also kept raising the pace slightly every half mile or so. As we came to the turnaround point rather than turnaround we took a quick right and headed up the Strawberry Mansion hill, a steep little hill that we sometimes used to strengthen our legs by running hill repeats. As we headed up the hill, we took the final step and raised the rate one last time. Our breath came in short quick gasps and the air burnt as it passed into out lungs. Halfway up the hill we lost Calvin and as we crested the hill and turned back we saw him leaned over on the side of the road puking up his breakfast and muttering curses. That was the last time Calvin joined us for a run but that wasn't the point, we'd accomplished our goal, since we couldn't beat each other into submission we'd taken it out on an innocent.

One day after a particularly hard workout in which we had rowed, lifted, and then ran home I suddenly felt a strange discomfort between my legs.

"Yo," I turned to Jason, "I feel like I have some kind of lump in my butt."

"That stuff's on a need to know basis and I don't need to know," said Jason looking at me with a look that said; what the hell is wrong with you?

"I'm telling you, there's some kind of weird lump down there." It felt like I had a marble down there rubbing between my cheeks and it wasn't pleasant at all. As I ran, I tried to keep my cheeks spread to keep from feeling the lump. I wasn't one to take any bodily issues well and my stomach lurched as I wondered what the lump was.

"Maybe one of Calvin's friends snuck into the room last night and took you from behind," suggested Jason with a smirk on his face.

"Nice, I'm sure I would have remembered something as pleasant as that. What do you think is up with Calvin and Steve anyway?" Steve was a friend of Calvin's that neither of us liked. In fact we disliked him immensely. Steve was a manipulator and a known liar, to the point where he would rather lie than to tell the truth. Ever since I had known Calvin he had developed what could only be termed as male crushes. The crushes would typically last about six months and then Calvin would stop talking to his "crush".

As soon we got back to our place I headed for the health clinic to get the lump checked. On the way to the clinic I envisioned being told that I had cancer or some rare disease that causes lumps in one's rectum. In actuality I had what many rowers have a rocky and familiar relationship with, hemorrhoids. The cause was from lifting or pushing so hard in the boat that I caused a blood vessel to bulge and thus the marble feeling and the discomfort. The clinic's advice was to lay off any heavy lifting for a week and the marble should disappear. Gee, thanks I thought, I was hoping for some kind of cure, not an answer that would result in discomfort for at least a week.

It was Saturday and Jason, Becky and I were planning on going to a big party at a house rented by a bunch of girls that were friends of Becky's, of course. One of them, had expressed an interest in me and I was interested as well. She had a steady boyfriend that was in one of the frats which made me even more interested. I was looking forward to an interesting and stimulating night. Becky came over before we headed to the party and we all shared a few joints and listened to some psychedelic music to set the mood.

"Hey, I think this is the perfect woman, do you know why? Just look at her, she's got a perfect body, she's smiling at me and she doesn't doubt my greatness," I said as I held up a picture of someone from the latest Victoria's Secret catalog that we mysteriously continued to receive in the mail.

"You're such a pig Kevin, you're objectifying women, plus you're lusting after a picture. What's wrong with you?" asked Becky in an attempt at disgust.

"Yeah man, you're demented," said Jason as he smiled and gave me a quick wink behind Becky's back.

"Let me explain it to you. A woman like this has no expectations, no pre-conceived opinions about who you should or shouldn't be or what you should or shouldn't do with your life. She just smiles and accepts you for who you are no questions asked. Plus she looks great! As a matter of fact I think I'm going to get this picture blown up and put it on the wall," I said as I got on a roll. "If I decided that my calling in life was to sit on the couch and drink beer all day a woman like this would just smile and let me drink to my heart's content, no complaints."

"Oooh, that's elegant Kevin, you're such a philosopher," said Becky.

By this time we were all feeling pretty mellow and ready to go see some friends and party some more.

"Howard Roark had Dominique and she loved him unconditionally," I said.

"Actually, she did what she had to do to make him a great man," said Jason.

"That's right, she sacrificed her happiness in order to give him what he needed to become great," said Becky.

"Ok, I'm with you on that. What you're saying is that she married Gail Wynand knowing that Howard loved Gail as a great man and that in the end Gail would disappoint Howard and thus give Howard that extra bit of motivation to reach his full potential out of grief over Gail and as a result win Dominique over," I said without taking a breath. "Still I think if he had wanted her to, she would have smiled and let Howard do whatever he wanted, plus she was great looking anyway."

"You were dead on until the end there, genius," said Jason.

"Ok, let's hit this party. I'm thirsty and you guys are starting to stink this place up with your pontificating among other things," said Becky.

Upon entering the house I left Becky and Jason to seek out the girl that was interested in me. I saw her in a cluster of friends with her boyfriend hovering nearby. She caught my eye and signaled me to follow her into another room. She looked great, she had a fair complexion with dark hair and a tight body with small perky breasts that were pressed up against the tight sweater she had on. She had bright blue eyes that sparkled with mischief as she looked at me.

I met her inside and touched her lightly on her forearm as she came up to me and said hello. I felt her shiver slightly as I touched her and ours eyes met briefly.

"John's here, we have to be careful," she said.

"No problem, let's hang out for a bit then," I said and gave her a big toothy grin.

"Are you stoned?" she asked.

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"You never smile like that at school, I like it," she said and gave me a smile right back. We headed out to the keg together and her boyfriend gave me a look that said that he was watching me. This was going to be a blast. I knew what was going to happen tonight and I hoped that he did too, I also knew I was going to get away with it. I looked at her and then looked over at her boyfriend and gave him a quick cocky nod. As I looked away I saw him mouth the words "who the fuck is that guy?" to his friends as they all turned to look at me.

After filling up a cup of beer she and I separated and I walked back over to where Jason and Becky were standing deep in a conversation about Lori, who was draping herself all over some random guy.

"She really needs to stop throwing herself at guys," said Becky looking over at Lori.

"You're telling me," said Jason looking at me and laughing.

"Hey Lori," he yelled, "come over here for a minute." Lori walked towards us with a self-satisfied look on her pretty face.

"Hey guys, what's up," asked Lori.

"What are you doing with that guy?" asked Becky.

"What do you mean, I'm hanging with him, we're friends." Anyone could see that the guy didn't want to be friends with Lori, he was banking on her reputation of being easy.

"Lori, you need to stop throwing yourself at guys," blurted Jason half seriously.

"Yeah," I said, "how do you expect them to respect you when you're so easy."

"Man, you really are an asshole, aren't you Kevin," said Lori giving me a nasty look and starting to walk away.

"Hold on a minute," said Jason

"If you ever want a lasting relationship you really need to play a little hard to get, these guys all know what they're going to get with you," said Jason. He knew Lori did want to have a longer term relationship than just the one nighters that she was known for. This hit a nerve and Lori's eyes started to water.

"Come on Lori, we're just trying to help you," I said only half seriously. Jason and I had gotten a reaction now and were enjoying the fact that we had hit a nerve.

"Just ignore these two," said Becky, "they're wasted and you know how they get." She walked away from us with Lori in tow as Lori gave us one last backwards questioning glance before she headed into the house with Becky. Even after the abuse she would have remained with us just to be around a couple of guys, it was pathetic.

"So, what's the deal with this girl, are you going to let her have her cake and eat it too?" said Jason referring to the fact that the roommate host had no intention of ending things with her boyfriend and obviously just wanted to use me for the night.

"Hey, as long as I'm having fun what do I care?" I said with false bravado. Jason knew that I would most likely end up liking this girl more than a one night stand and was concerned that I was going to end up getting hurt. Just then she walked over, she'd obviously seen the bottom of one too many cups of beer because as she came over she through her arm around me brushing her hand over my hair in a playful way.

"Hey cutey," she said as she started to run her hand through my hair, "how are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling good now," I said as I brought my face around so that our lips were only a few inches apart. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her boyfriend looking at us and cursing. I surmised that he wasn't the type to make a scene, he would rather just suffer through this and drag her off after people started to leave. What he didn't know was that I whispered to her that we should go inside. Her place was a three floor row home and each floor was inhabited by different roommates with separate locks on the doors. My plan was to go to one of the other roommates floors and avoid her boyfriend.

She led the way to the room with me following closely behind. As soon as the door closed behind us we started acting on our pent up sexual energy combined with the excitement of doing this within shouting distance of her boyfriend. As we feverishly stripped each other's clothes off we fell to the floor tangled in one another's half removed clothes. Just as things were getting to the peak of passion we heard her boyfriend calling out to her. He obviously knew we were somewhere in the building and had decided to come looking for us. Our advantage was that he didn't know where we were and didn't have a key anyway. She quickly put her hand over my mouth as I attempted to call out his name. She was having trouble suppressing a smile. He finally gave up after about ten minutes and must have left because we didn't hear any more out of him.

This time we started a bit more slowly as she and I explored each other's bodies.

"Umm, your body feels great," I whispered in her ear.

"So does yours, umm feel these lats," she whispered back as she felt my well defined lats and triceps made that way from rowing. I ran my hand over her face and neck and she grabbed it and started to kiss the callouses caused by the oar. She turned my hand over and admired the lean muscles defining the palm. She remarked that she had never seen a hand quite as strong as mine.

"It's necessary for controlling the oar," I said as I reached between her legs and felt her move to meet my hand.

"Do you have protection?"

"No," I lied. In that moment I got scared and my first reaction was to lie. As soon as the words came out of my mouth I wished that I could take them back. My mind raced, could I tell her I forgot and did have protection or that I'd simply meant that yes I did but was drunk. It was too late, the moment had passed. We continued to grind against one another in our underwear until it became late and both of us were left tired and unsatisfied.

Sometime during the course of the night, she climbed on top of me and I entered her without protection. It was glorious. She rode me with abandon and cried out as we both climaxed at the same time. I sat up rubbing my eyes and looked over at her, she was sound asleep. Damn, it had been a dream and a wet one at that. I felt the slimy wetness between my legs, damn it I thought, what am I going to do now, I can't let her see a stain there in the morning. I got up and quietly went to the bathroom, grabbed wet paper towels and with futility attempted to clean the mess in my pants up. This wasn't going to work, I decided to leave rather than risk the embarrassment of a stain and her questioning looks in the morning.

The next week I tried time and again to reach her on the phone but was told by her roommates that she wasn't around. I finally went to her place and was told again by her roommate that she wasn't around. I sat down saying that that was ok because I'd wait for her. I spent an uncomfortable hour with the roommate waiting for her and finally gave up and left. As I walked back to my apartment I saw her coming towards me arm in arm with her boyfriend. I thought about saying "Hi" but she had blinders on and pretended that she didn't notice me as we both passed each other. I thought I heard her boyfriend say something and laugh, but wasn't sure. I hung my head down, there was a lump in the pit of my stomach as I slowly walked back to my apartment.

"Hey, what's wrong with you man?" asked Jason as I walked into our apartment. I told him about my embarrassing stalker moment.

"I can't say that I'm surprised. What were you thinking? That you and she would get together and have some kind of relationship? You know she's been dating that guy since High School, what did you expect? You were her boy toy for the night, enjoy it for what it was and get over it," said Jason. I couldn't help but see the irony of this coming from Jason and his pining over Becky but didn't say anything.

"I'm going for a run," I said. I headed out for boathouse row at a break neck pace and took the art museum steps 2 and 3 at a time. Damn it felt good to burn, it was like I was cleansing myself of all thoughts about the party and my embarrassment. As I passed the boathouses and headed up the river I started thinking about rowing and the season that was coming after the Winter. My lungs burnt from the exertion and my legs beat the pavement in time with my heart and I forgot about what's her name and her boyfriend.

Chapter 7 – First Race...Kind of

As the weather turned almost too cold to row, Jason and I were officially promoted from rowing in the tubs to finally rowing in regular shells and were deemed worthy enough to be introduced to our coach. Coach had been a lightweight rower in the Olympics and was a hero on boathouse row. The day we were introduced he looked us up and down and said, "You're lightweight rowers."

Jason didn't protest but I said, "Nah, I'm a heavyweight."

Coach just laughed as he turned his back on us and walked away saying, "Whatever you say Squidly, you're a lightweight, you'll see."

The weather was getting nasty and our hands and lips were cracked and bloody from the cold air and water droplets that sprayed up on us and froze during practice. Every time I smiled I'd feel a new fissure form on my damaged lips. The water from the oars would splash up onto our hands and shirts and freeze almost instantly. Starting out practice in the morning our hands would instantly become numb and slowly warm up as our bodies started to perspire. The warm up would start at our finger tips which would begin to prickle and then would move slowly to our knuckles and wrists. Wearing gloves wasn't an option because with gloves we'd lose control and the tactile feel we needed to handle the oar.

Not only was the cold air and water causing our hands to crack between our knuckles but our palms were so torn up from callouses that we'd leave behind blood on the oars. The oar's handles hand become a reddish brown from the dirty water mixed with blood. Jason's palms were so bad that they would stick to the oars as he peeled them off at the end of practice. The thick callouses we'd developed from the oars would build new blisters and as the blisters popped during practice the skin would slowly become wet and peel off. Jason's had become so raw that his entire palm was a bloody, calloused, juicy mess and I'd watch grimacing as he'd hesitate each time before finally gritting his teeth and wrapping his hands around the oar.

Coach had me rowing with some of the other heavyweights while Jason rowed with the lightweights. On this particular day as we started to get our boats out on the dock coach told us that he wanted to see what Jason and I could do in a boat together, we were going to row some timed full pressure pieces. Jason and I looked at one another and smiled, this was what we had been waiting for. We rushed with excitement to get the scull oars out for the double.

"Hold on a minute there Squidly's, not the scull oars," said coach, "I want you guys in the pair." A pair is a sweep oared boat and takes more balance than a double since both rowers only have one oar. Jason was a port side rower and I was starboard so rowing in the pair aside from the question of balance was a natural fit.

We started out going up the river feeling the boat and each other's technique out to get in time with one another. I called a few power tens to get a feel for the balance of the boat when we increased the pressure. We felt smooth, the slides weren't being rushed and the oars were entering the water in sync.

Jason had a tendency to compress his body and legs too much at the top part of the stroke when the oar is all the way back ready for the catch, or when the oar enters the water. This caused some timing issues and I had to remind him not to compress so much. The proper way to enter the water is to create a slight backsplash with the oar. Creating a backsplash means that there is no wasted part of the stroke the oar is entering the water at an optimal point. Coach called out stroke technique corrections such as "watch your catch!" every now and then from his motor boat on the way up to the top of the river.

When we got to the starting line of the 2000 meter course, we turned around and coach had us and two other boats line up on the line like we would for a real race. One of the boats had Tom our "tub" coach and someone else in it. The other boat had two guys that we didn't really know that well. One of the guys was someone who supposedly had been a very good rower in college but was now out of school and still hoping to capture some glory.

I started to whisper instructions to Jason, "we're going to start out at a high stroke rate and see what these guys have in them. Once we get under the Strawberry Mansion Bridge," which was the 1500 meter to go mark, "we're going to steady our pace and see where we're at and how we feel." I kept up a steady stream of instructions to Jason trying to keep him calm knowing that he had a tendency to get tense and make technical mistakes such as rushing his slide when he became too tense.

I could feel my muscles twitch with anticipation as I worked at keeping our boat pointed in the right direction using our oars to guide the boat either slightly forward or backward in the water to alter the direction the bow was pointing. Coach called the start of the race, "boats ready?, ROW!" We started out and our boat shot off course to starboard almost immediately causing me to twist my foot hard to turn the rudder full against Jason. I finally yelled for Jason to ease up on his stroke to allow the boat to head back in the right direction as we passed the 1500 meter to go mark, but we had lost a lot of ground by that time.

"Screw this," I said, "let's just go for this! Power 20!" I yelled. The boat lurched forward in the water with the increase in power. By the 1000 meter mark we had made up most of the lost water and were quickly drawing even with the other boats.

"We've got these guys," I yelled loud enough for them to hear and look at us. I stared at the other boats and knew right then that they had lost. There was panic in their eyes as they realized that we'd made up so much water in such a short amount of time. By the final 250 meters, we had opened up several boat lengths of open water on our competition and could cruise. Instead we decided to put the finishing nails in the coffin.

"Power 20 and speed up the stroke rate!" I yelled hoarse with the pain building in my body. We cruised at top speed across the finish with at least 8 boat lengths open water on the next closest boat. Jason and I slapped each other congratulations and lay down on our backs in the boat exhausted but feeling good.

"Today we had swing my brother!" Said Jason turning around to slap my leg excitedly.

When we got back to the boathouse, we felt like returning heroes home from a great kill and waited for coach to congratulate us and tell us that he was looking forward to seeing us in some real races.

"Good job guys, I hope you had fun because you're never going to row together in a race," said coach. He must have read the surprise on our faces. "Come on, you're both too heavy to ever be able to make the boat weight together. You, Kevin, you'll be lucky if you ever even make the maximum weight for a lightweight, what do you weigh now, 175 lbs.? You're a heavyweight, remember? You told me so." I nodded in embarrassment, he was pretty close on the weight.

"But seriously guys, good job you just beat a couple of lightweight boats, that's something to be proud of," he said giving us both a knowing smile and walking out.

"What can I do," I shrugged looking at Jason, "I can't lose the weight, too much muscle."

"You'll lose the weight fat boy, you'll see." Jason replied.

"I honestly don't think I can lose any more weight."

Chapter 8 - 21st Birthday

It was my 21st birthday and Calvin decided to make it a memorable night by taking me out to a trendy club, named the Dog House, where the music was loud and everyone wore black. Before we headed out we hung out with Jason and Becky, both of whom were not yet 21 and since the club had a strict policy, couldn't join us. Calvin and I were dressed in our best black for the night and were excited to get out for some wild times.

"Why do you two have to go to the Dog House anyway," crooned Becky in her voice that always turned sultry when she drank. She and Jason were curled up on the couch together looking mighty cozy and had me wondering what the plan was for the two of them that evening.

"What do you mean "why", it's the happening place," whined Calvin in a voice that said, "you stupid girl, what do you know?" I had to admit he had me convinced that it was going to be a blast. My head was filled with visions of loud music and scantily clad goth chicks dancing to the pulsing music, ready for anything. Plus I was simply excited to be able to drink legally at a place like the Dog House.

"I can't see how a bunch of Siouxsie Sioux look alikes could be attractive myself," claimed Jason as he looked at Becky who happened to be the opposite, very natural and fresh looking.

"Whatever, loser." said Calvin in his snide voice and got up to go.

When we got to the club Calvin and I both grabbed a vodka tonic and went exploring. The place was loud and hopping with people of all sorts, people that were alternative, average looking people and people that were dressed the part like Calvin and I. The Dog House was a great venue with multiple floors and spaces including a bar and deck outside looking up at all of the buildings that surrounded it. The night was crisp and clear, a perfect night for hanging outside and enjoying the music and stars. Calvin and I decided to hang by the bar outside and down some more alcohol before heading to the dance floor. As we stood there and talked about nothing in particular, I noticed that he kept looking around, like he was looking for someone.

"Who the hell are you looking for?" I asked

"No one," he shrugged sounding a bit too innocent.

"I know you're looking for someone, who are you meeting, you loser?" Just then Tom, a friend of Calvin's that I hated with a passion, walked outside. Tom was a sleazy, smooth talker who gave me the creeps because he liked to touch you when he talked to you and tended to talk within a foot of your face. Whenever he talked to me, I found myself leaning backwards worried that he was getting ready to plant a kiss on my lips. Tom was flanked by his usual entourage of two bored looking women. One of them was wearing a white boa around her neck trying to look like one of the B-52's and the other was dressed in a one piece paisley stretch pants suit that looked as if it had been painted on. Tom had his own cable access TV station in Philadelphia and acted as though he was the toast of the town when, in reality, his total viewership was all of about 30 people.

Tom spotted us and walked over to Calvin and gave him a hug and slapped him on the back which Calvin returned. Tom turned to me, "Kevin, good to see you buddy, happy 21st!" I took his outstretched and limp hand and avoided looking into his eyes as I mumbled "whatever" and shot Calvin a seething look.

"You guys remember Kate and Lucy?" asked Tom, as he introduced the two girls that were with him. Both of them with obvious effort managed to look aloof and mumbled "Hi" as they looked everywhere but directly at us. Tom was short about 5'6", so he wore boots with large soles and in my opinion added lifts on top of that. He eyed the crowd lingering on some of the guys as he attempted to catch their eyes and blatantly admired their crotches at the same time.

"Guys, I'm going to get me some fresh meat tonight," he announced puffing out his chest and straining to look like he was taller than his meager 5'6".

Out of Calvin's mouth blasted a surprising, "Beeaatch, you go girl." What the hell? I thought as I looked at Calvin in shock. I knew Calvin was drunk but was surprised that he would use gay speak. My stomach did a few flip flops as I looked from Calvin to Tom and watched them in no uncertain terms admire one another. Could Calvin be gay I wondered? Granted, he was neat and liked clubs, took good care of himself and like a good Broadway show now and then. But I'd known him since we were kids and he dated girls. We watched porn together for Christ's sake! He couldn't be, I shoved the thought out of my mind.

"Calvin," I said "check out the goth chicks over there." I pointed to three girls dressed to the hilt in black with teased hair and dark eye makeup all around their eyes. One of them had been eyeing us up and two of them were decent looking.

"Umm, hot, I wonder if the tall one would let me lick her all over," commented Calvin slurping his tongue.

"Guys, I have some great coke," interrupted Tom. "Who wants to do some lines with me in the bathroom?"

"Not interested," said Calvin, he rarely did drugs of any kind because of the strange side effects they had on him.

"I'll take you up on that," I said. I was never one to turn down coke, even if I had to deal with Tom to get it. We headed up to the bathroom leaving Calvin with the wonder twins Kate and Lucy.

"Man, this is great stuff, you're going to love it. I just got it from a friend today, it's as pure as it gets," said Tom as he cut some lines for us. And as soon as I did a line, I had to agree. The effect was instant and exhilarating. We each did a few more, until we were both feeling great. So great in fact that I started to see Tom in a different light. Maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all.

"Hold on, I have one more special line," said Tom as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a baggy with brownish-yellow tinted coke.

"That doesn't look like coke to me."

"Trust me, it's this great new stuff I got, it will take you to places you've never been before," Tom said as he cut a huge line of it for me.

I thought, what the hell, I'll give it a try and snorted it up in one massive inhalation. As soon as it hit my system I knew that something was wrong. I started to feel like the world had been turned down a speed and everything was moving in slow motion. Tom was moving like he was on the moon.

"Whhaaattt waaaasss thaaaat," I asked Tom, starting to panic and trying to speak normal but sounding like it came out of a slow playing sound track.

"Don't worry baby," said Tom in super slowmo, "relax, enjoy." I asked him again what he'd given me, this time with panic in my slow moving syrupy voice.

"I gave you some breakfast cereal, a little special K." He smiled a big toothy grin at me as if he was the cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland.

I had to concentrate to move my legs and slowly moved them one at a time advancing on Tom. "What the fuck is special K? You asshole."

"It's just a horse tranquilizer," he replied. "Calm down and enjoy it."

I felt like it was getting worse and panic had settled in. Was I dying? I certainly felt like I might be. We slowly made our way back to where Calvin was and I explained to him in my strange sounding slow motion voice what had happened. He whipped around on Tom and angrily told him to take me to get some air to clear my head. Calvin was enjoying himself and didn't think it was his responsibility to take care of me, it had been my decision and I was going to pay for it.

Tom led me to an area without many people where some couches were lining the wall. We sat down and he started to rub my shoulders. "Relax," he calmly whispered working his strong hands into my muscles. In my state I didn't care who was rubbing my shoulders, I only knew that it felt good. Tom kept whispering to "relax" and as he was rubbing slowly moved his hands down and around to my chest.

I lost myself in the pleasure and was becoming aroused with the tingling soft touch on my chest. That is until Tom whispered to me asking if I was starting to feel better. I felt like I was clawing through a fog as I started to process that it was still Tom that had his hands on my chest.

"What the..," I jumped up from the seat. "I'm not into that!"

"Ssorry, I didn't mean to, I thought..." Tom stammered. I walked away feeling flustered and slightly confused as to how this had happened, leaving Tom sitting there. My panic was returning along with the slowmo feeling. Even with everything moving in slowmo, my mind was working at regular speed and I was also increasingly pissed at Calvin for being friends with Tom and obviously asking him to meet us without telling me.

I found Calvin talking to the three goth chicks by the bar and joined them. I learned that they were art school students and were just out for a night of fun like we were. I told them about the special K and they looked at one another before they told me that they had a cure for that but that I had to trust them. I looked at them for a moment and decided, I guess it can't hurt more than I already do.

"Come with me," said the tall one with tight pants and nice blue eyes. I followed her slowly to the bathroom, through the mixture of light and pounding music. Oh boy, I thought, I'm going to get laid in a stall in the bathroom, I'd always dreamed about something like this and now it was going to happen. As she turned to close the stall door behind us, she looked at me and must have seen the lust in my face, "Noo, no, I don't know you that well," she laughed. Damn, I thought to myself looking and feeling completely embarrassed.

"The cure for special K is to counter it with a stimulant," she said pulling out a bag of coke. Five minutes later we were back at the bar with her friends and I was feeling great but now Calvin had disappeared. As we stood there and talked I overheard someone talking at the bar; "Did you see that Tom guy from that cable access show out there in the alley?"

"Aww man, he was on his knees going down on some guy." I caught one of their eyes as they looked away and Calvin came back.

"Where were you?" I asked in an accusatory tone.

"I just took a tour around to see who was here and to buy some cigs," he said. I gave him a close look, he looked like he was telling the truth.

We agreed with two of the goth chicks, one of whom seemed to have taken an interest in Calvin and the one that had helped me recover from the special K episode, that we would head back to our place for a night cap.

When we got home we both retired to our separate bedrooms. Jason must have stayed over at Becky's place for the night so I had our room to myself. The girl I was with was nice and we fooled around a little bit, but she had informed me up front that she was not into one night stands and that we would not be having any sex tonight. We kissed a bit and talked a bit and kept hearing Calvin and the friend joking around and laughing in the bedroom next door.

At about 3am they both said goodnight and headed out. As soon as they left I turned on Calvin with the pent up frustration built up in me from Tom, Calvin's disappearing act, and my anger at myself for thinking that Calvin might be gay.

"So, what's the deal, you and that girl didn't even fool around?" I hissed in a nasty voice.

"No, we were just having some fun, she was cool," responded Calvin shrugging his shoulders.

"So, what, now you don't like girls?" I blurted before I could stop myself.

Calvin wheeled around on me with fire in his eyes. "What makes you say that?"

"Oh, I don't know, I figured you and Tom were butt buddies," I said and smirked going down a road I hadn't meant to but the anger, alcohol, and drugs were all acting against me. Calvin's hand shot forward, quickly grabbing me by the shirt ripping the sleeve.

"You'd better get your hands off me," I spit in a dangerous voice. I felt a white hot rage boiling in me as Calvin gave me a shove.

"I'm telling you not to touch me again," I said calmly but feeling the adrenaline rush into my bloodstream and pulsing through my body as my fingers twitched.

I'm going to beat the crap out of this fag I thought to myself with the rage starting to blind me, clearing my thoughts of all things other than what I was going to do to Calvin. After all, how could he, how could he hide something like this from me for so long. I lived with him and was his best friend since high school.

"What are you going to do big man?" He asked and grabbed my arm hard trying to throw me down onto the couch. As he twisted my arm his head sank down towards his chest and in that instant I brought my free arm up to meet his face. I felt my knuckles mash into his face and heard the delayed crack and saw his head jerk up and backwards like he'd been shot.

Calvin stumbled backwards and screamed , "FUCK YOU!" out of fear combined with pain. After regaining his balance he ran out of the apartment not bothering to close the door behind him.

I can't believe I just hit him I thought to myself, what the hell was wrong with me. I was still high on the fury that had surfaced, plus I was so upset with what I'd done that I grabbed the first thing that I could find and smashed it, which just happened to be a glass. I felt the cool glass slice cleanly into my palm and a moment later blood was gushing everywhere; all over the counter, wall and bathtub as I ran to the bathroom and tried to stop the bleeding. Eventually I was able to stop the blood by wrapping my hand in gauze and went to bed exhausted and crying, embarrassed and extremely disappointed in myself.

Chapter 9 – The Next Day

The next morning I woke up with an awful hangover fueled by a mixture of alcohol, drugs and stale anger. I was mad at myself and sad that I had hit my friend, but more than that, I was scared that I had hit him out of pure fury with no concern for what I might do to him. When I was younger, I had issues with uncontrollable rages, doing damage to people and things with no apparent care for their well-being. I had since gained control over the rages by focusing my thoughts and channeling the rage into activities such as rowing. Rowing allowed me to rage but the outcome was constructive and not damaging.

Jason walked in just as I was crawling out of bed, he must have spent the night at Becky's and I was interested to know if anything had happened but not ready to ask about it.

"Who killed someone last night, where's the body?" he asked partially in jest partially out of concern upon seeing the dried blood spattered on the walls.

I told him about my night and what had happened at the club and afterwards. He tried to assure me that things would be ok but I could tell that he was a little concerned. As the day wore on and Calvin didn't return, I started to worry. Had I broken something in his face? Was he at the hospital? Was he ok? I paced our apartment waiting for Calvin to walk through the door.

Finally, late in the afternoon, when Jason and I were laying around attempting to remain calm and watching TV, Calvin walked in the door. He was carrying two frozen pizzas that didn't appear to be frozen anymore, had a new haircut, was wearing a hospital admission bracelet and had a big purple black eye. He looked at us and smiled sheepishly.

"Before you say anything, I just want you to know how sorry I am," I said.

"Nah, don't worry about it, we were both out of our minds."

I smiled, relieved that Calvin was back and ok. "Ok, so let's hear it, where the hell were you and why are you carrying frozen food?"

Calvin started to tell us the story "I left our apartment after you hit me and headed to a friend's place. We decided to go to an after-hours club to do some more drinking."

Hold on, don't tell me the friend was Tom?" I asked, not really wanting to know if the answer was yes.

"Nah, you don't know him, just a friend that I hang with sometimes."

Jason and I exchanged curious glances, but allowed Calvin to continue.

"That's where I started to forget some of the night. I remember being hungry and walking into a convenience store to buy some frozen food. When I walked out of the convenience store I must have passed out on the sidewalk with the food still in my arms. The convenience store clerk must have phoned for the ambulance because the next thing that I remember is waking up in the hospital with an IV attached to my arm." With this Calvin gave a nervous laugh.

"Hold on, so you actually ended up in the hospital?! What did you take?"

"I don't think I took anything, it must have been all the alcohol. So, I checked myself out of the hospital remembering that I had a haircut appointment that I didn't want to miss, so I headed to the hairdressers, still clutching the frozen food. I'm not really sure why I had to keep the food, for some reason it made some kind of sense to me."

Now, here he was with a new haircut, bad frozen food, a bright purple/blue/green/black eye and a fancy new bracelet. Jason and I just looked at one another and shook our heads, typical Calvin.

"Dude, what the fuck?" Was all either Jason or I could manage.

Calvin had been arrested for being drunk and disorderly more than once. One time, he had been supposedly kicking trashcans over in an alley and another time he had been sleeping in the subway and decided to urinate in the corner where a subway cop just happened to be standing. Damn, I was glad he was ok and that we were ok.

The next day Jason and I headed to the boathouse for practice and were told that there would be no more rowing on the river, there was too much ice for the boats to go out. It was all dry land work with weights, running and the rowing machines, otherwise known as the dreaded ergs, until the Spring thaw.

Chapter 10 – Winter Workouts

We started doing two a day's rowing on the ergs in the morning and lifting weights in the evening. We'd crawl out of bed at about 5:30 am get dressed and run down to the boathouse which was about a two mile run. We'd then spend about an hour on the rowing machines doing various workouts, incorporating intervals and steady state rowing. Then, in the afternoon, we'd run or bike down again and do weight training using a mixture of heavy weights with low repetitions and light weights with high repetitions.

Our boathouse was old but the second floor had been recently renovated, so it wasn't a bad place to hang out. A couple of the guys rowing out of the house lived in rooms off of the second floor and were charged with keeping the house clean and neat. In the mornings when we got there Jason and I were usually joined by a few of the other guys getting ready for the Spring. The hardest part of heading to the house in the dead of Winter was just getting out of bed. Once getting out of bed was accomplished the rest was easy. Adding to the challenge of getting up was the fact that with all of the working out we were doing, every muscle in our bodies ached in the morning. I would crawl out of bed and every bone and muscle in my body would hurt so much that I would limp into the bathroom and continue limping, hunched over like an old man, dragging my legs until the muscles were warmed up. During this time, the only thing that kept us coming to the boathouse regularly and not staying in on the warm couch or in bed was the anticipation of rowing on the water again come Spring.

Coach would join us in the evenings for weight training, to advise us on how to lift and what sets to do. Rowing is physically 75% leg strength and 25% upper body. Once a rower is in shape, rowing is almost 100% psychological; based on how much pain you could take until your mind would succumb. For this reason, most of our lifting focused on our legs, arms and back muscles with some chest workouts thrown in to even out the muscle development. The lifting and ergs made us mentally strong and taught us focus. Sometimes we'd do circuits in which coach would yell at us to lift as many repetitions as we could in 45 seconds and have 15 seconds to recover and move to the next station in the circuit. The burn would be incredible but still nothing could compare to the middle of a 2000 meter race on the water when your body says "No" and your mind has to tell it "Yes".

Mid-Winter came and coach announced our first erg test. This time the race would be 5000 meters, the length of a head race. Head races are races that start at the top of the river and go all the way past the finish line continuing all the way to the boathouses. They are meant to be rowed at a steady pace, not at the speed of a typical 2000 meter race. This didn't make the pain on the erg any less, in fact I would argue that the pain was worse. With a 5000 meter erg test the rower has to watch 5000 meters churn down on the monitor over the course of approximately 16 or 17 minutes.

The ergs created the same amount of lactic acid build up, resulting in pure pain, as rowing on the water with one exception, you aren't moving or seeing yourself catch or pass any other boats. You watch the numbers slowly burn down on the machine. At the end of races, both on the water and on the erg the lactic acid would become so bad that a rower has to just lay back and stretch their legs as much as possible to combat the pain. There were times when the end of a race would bring tears to my eyes just from the burning fire in my muscles. Jason had the highest pain threshold of any other rower that I knew, so what he lacked in pure strength, he more than made up for with pure will.

I had never been a standout on the erg, I was known for mentally breaking down and physically giving up. This time I was determined to maintain my focus for the entire race. Jason and I had agreed to row next to one another to help motivate each other.

We did our warm ups and coach told us to sit at the ready position. "Rowers ready?... ROW!" he yelled. Jason and I started off at the same rate and then settled in. The numbers counted back from 5000. At 4000 to go I was feeling good and smooth. Both Jason and I were starting to breath heavily. The sweat was starting to bead on my forehead. At 3000 to go the burn started to set in and my breathing was coming in rasps. "Steady, slow the slide," Jason said between breaths. With 2000 to go I started to mentally break down, what am I doing this for? I thought, why do I need to put myself through this? I tried to shake it off but couldn't. The sweat was pouring off me in rivers, every breath was burning my throat and my lungs hurt. It felt like my legs were stuck in clay and my arms wouldn't fully extend any longer from the pain, my head started to sink to my chest, I was defeated. I looked at Jason and he looked good, his concentration wasn't going to be broken. Then I heard someone behind me yell; "Power 20, come on don't give up!"

"Shut the fuck up!" I yelled at them.

"No, you shut the fuck up and concentrate!" yelled Jason. With that my energy surged and I was back on the pace. With 1000 left we brought the stroke rate up, with 750 left we brought it up again. At 500 meters left we did a power 10 on my call. At 250 left I yelled; "We're at the island!" The island on the Schuylkill marks the 250 meters to go mark in a race. "Shorten the slide and raise the rate!" We both brought the rate up again and sat up a bit straighter. Jason yelled between gasps; "This is it, all guts now!" I could hear Jason grunting and breathing in short painful gasps as we both strained against the pain and pressure. All I could see was the computer counting down the last few meters, it was at the end of a long dark tunnel, everything surrounding it had turned to black. Come on I told myself, less than a minute left, give it all you've got. Jason finished and 5 seconds later I finished letting the erg handle go and collapsing onto my knees. I turned to congratulate Jason but he was doubled over letting go of his breakfast. Jason had the best time in the boathouse, with me second.

Coach slapped us on the back and congratulated us on great rows and looked at me; "now all you have to do is lose 15 pounds right Squidly?" He was still pressing me to row lightweight and I was still resisting. "I need you on my lightweight team, Kevin."

"But I'm a heavyweight, look at this body," I said as I stuck a pose.

"Sure you are, have you looked in a mirror lately? You're one small heavyweight, you'll do much better as a lightweight, all you have to do is diet."

I felt like I didn't have any weight to lose, I was 6 feet tall and weighed 180 lbs. and with all the lifting and running I felt like I would be losing muscle if I lost more than 5 lbs.

Jason and I left the boathouse on a cloud feeling like we'd just made the Olympic team. It was good to be rowing with Jason.

Becky and Jason were spending more time together since the night of my birthday. I never pressed Jason about it, he didn't seem like he wanted to talk about it. We both knew Becky was still dating her high school boyfriend and that she had no intention of breaking up with him. I was worried about Jason, he seemed much too happy about the relationship and I knew he was in for a huge letdown.

Calvin and I decided to plan a guy's weekend to try to get Jason away from Becky for a bit. Folding under constant pressure from me, Calvin under duress procured some weed that was supposed to be amazing from Tom, who was good for getting us drugs, if nothing else. We stocked up on munchies and beer and rented some movies. We were looking forward to a fun weekend of bullshitting and just hanging out with one another with no outsiders to interfere.

The weather for the weekend was perfect, it was gray with a light drizzle that was predicted to continue throughout the entire weekend. We decided to start early Saturday. Jason made a bowl out of aluminum foil, he was handy that way, and we lit it up. We put on some jazz music that mixed perfectly with the weed and the rain outside and stretched out on the couches to relax.

"Hey Calvin," I started, "do you remember where we used to get pot in high school?" I looked at Jason out of the corner of my eye and winked at him.

"No, I don't ever remember going anywhere to get pot with you in school," replied Calvin sounding somewhat irritated.

"Sure you do, that guy that rode a Harley, had tattoos all over his arms, lived with his frail old Mom."

"Umm, no, not ringing a bell," said Calvin starting to become more irritated.

"Yeah, he had cats in cages hanging from the ceiling and iguanas wandering freely all over the place. They had birds too, just flying free and crapping all over the furniture. The birds and the iguanas would hang out near the cats in the cages and tease them into a frenzy of hissing and clawing."

"Shut the fuck up, you're delusional, you know that there was no such place," said Calvin his voice getting louder.

"Calvin," I said struggling to stifle a laugh, "stop playing, you know you remember. He used to tell us that he trained the cats this way, they were fighting cats. He organized cat fights where people would bet, just like dog fights. He used to make us to come in and wait with his Mom while he went to get the weed in the basement. We'd have to sit on the couches with all the bird and iguana shit. His Mom used to sit there and smile at us like it was a normal situation offering us warm milk, remember? She liked to talk about how proud she was of her Dougy at how he was making so much money selling organic spices to nice boys like us."

"Why are you making this shit up?"

"I'm not man, Jason, you believe me don't you?" I asked with a smile on my face and a giggle building in my voice.

"Sure, sounds reasonable to me, why would you make something that ridiculous up?"

"Fuck you guys, Kevin, just admit that you are making it up," said Calvin with a dangerous edge to his voice. Calvin never could handle pot, he became overly aggressive and was easy to play with. It was one of the reasons he tried to stay away from it and all drugs in general.

"Calvin, I don't know why you're not admitting it, we both went there multiple times together. Hell, I bet they still remember us. Don't you remember, he used to make you feed the iguanas' cat food from the can, you'd sit there with the big iguana in your lap and a can of cat food in your hand."

"Fuck you Kevin! Why can't you just tell Jason that you're lying? I hate when you do this." Calvin got up and went into the other room, as Jason and I burst out laughing.

"Calvin," I yelled after him, "come back and tell Jason how you used to help Dougy poke at the cats in the cages to make them mean!" We heard the door slam in the other room.

Later that day, Jason decided that he needed to go find Becky. Calvin and I tried to stop him but he was convinced that he needed to find her. A few hours later Jason stumbled in with Leah, Lori's nasty looking and acting roommate. Through a slur of words and curses strung together, we figured out that Jason had gone to Becky's and walked in on Becky and her boyfriend in bed. Jason was obviously distraught and had gone to Lori's house to talk. Lori hadn't been there but Leah was and she had taken the opportunity to take advantage of Jason in his current state.

Jason led Leah into our bedroom and slammed the door shut leaving Calvin and I looking curiously at one another wondering how long Leah would stay. We quickly found the answer to that when she came out of the bedroom about twenty minutes later adjusting her top giving Calvin and I a scathing glare and mumbling something about drugged up assholes as she walked out.

Chapter 11 – Spring Training

Slowly Winter was turning to Spring, the thaw was in the air and the time to get back on the water was drawing near. People were starting to run along the river again and the boathouse windows were open to clean out the mustiness that had accumulated over the Winter. Everywhere along the river rowers were getting ready for the upcoming Spring season.

The Spring for college rowing is the primary season for races. There are races in the Fall but in the Spring the crews compete for the championships whether in Dad Vails or IRA's. The IRA Championships were invitation only for the elite rowing schools such as the Ivy League colleges and certain rowing programs such as Temple, Wisconsin and Washington among others that were able to compete with the elite schools. The college races often allowed club teams such as the one Jason and I belonged to compete in their races as well.

The first Spring race finally arrived and both Jason and I were amped up and playing loud music while we got ready for the race. After all of the Winter workouts, we were ready for some real competition. As soon as we entered the house, coach told us to get the boats and oars out and head up river to the top of the race course. I was going to be rowing in a heavyweight double, as I was still a heavy rower, and still working on convincing myself that with all of my muscle would always be, and Jason was in the lightweight eight boat. Coach gave us a few last minute pieces of advice for our races and then we headed out.

Most colleges' row in 8 man sweeps boats and sometimes 4 man sweeps depending on how many rowers they have and who rows well together. In an eight man sweep, there are 4 port rowers and 4 starboard rowers, sitting with their backs to the forward motion of the boat in the water. The rowers on the port side row with a sweep oar on the right side of the boat and the starboard rowers have the oars on the left side from the rowers perspective. The sweep oars are longer and thicker than the sculling oars with bigger blades to catch the water. Depending on the side, port or starboard, the rower uses either their right or left arm for primary leverage on the oar against the water, that arm being the right for starboard and left for port. In the front or stern of the boat sits a coxswain, who is responsible for steering the boat with cables attached to the rudder, calling out the stroke rate, correcting rowers timing and technique and providing rowers with race updates and motivation. The coxswain or cox is usually small and light in order to reduce any excess weight the boat would have to pull in the water.

Coach provided some last minute instructions before we pushed away from the dock. "Now, I want the boats to take 20 strokes at the start of the race at a very high stroke rate and then settle in. Call stroke changes and power tens as needed to change or gain position in the race." I looked at coach and nodded my understanding. "Got that Squidly?" he said as he slapped my back. I must have had a concerned look on my face because he then added. "Don't worry, just do the best that you can."

Going up river the guy I was rowing with and I did some power ten and twenties at about 80% pressure to warm up for the race. Jason's race was first and when we saw them heading down river we stopped to cheer them on. Jason's boat was out in front with a comfortable lead by the time they passed us at the halfway point.

Our boat got to the top of the river and turned around for our race. We rowed up to the dinghy boat with someone in it that would hold our boat in place, waiting for the starter to start the race. As we waited at the ready position I reiterated the plan coach had explained to us. "Rowers ready? ROW!" The race started. We started out as planned with 20 hard fast strokes and settled in. As soon as we settled in, I looked around and noticed that we were falling behind already. I could tell something was wrong, the boat wasn't gliding on the water, it felt like we were dragging a lead weight with us.

"Come on, power 10!," I yelled. I felt like every muscle in my body was being wrenched away from the bone and my breathing was coming in rasps that made it hard to call out stroke changes. I then noticed that my rowing partner didn't seem to be having any physical issues. In fact I don't think he was even exerting himself. "This isn't a warm-up, this is a race, push yourself!" But it didn't do any good, the guy was in a zone, just not the race zone. After another 500 meters of feeling like we were rowing in mud I decided to join him in his zone and we crossed the finish line securely in last place and rowed back to the boathouse.

"How'd it go?" asked Jason smiling, to which I responded, "Fuck you."

Just then coach walked in, "What happened out there?" he looked at me with mock concern. Coach knew what was going to happen in the race when he put me in the boat with the space cadet. "Are you ready to row lightweight for me now?"

I looked at coach nodding, "yes." I walked out of the boathouse thinking about my new diet. Somehow I had to cut back on my caloric intake to allow me to lose fifteen pounds and keep it off, all while working out at least three hours a day.

Upon entering our apartment I took a look around and gained a new appreciation for the boxes of chips and crackers while my stomach growled. I clenched and unclenched my teeth several times as I took the boxes and dumped them into the trash. It would be pasta with a little sauce, boiled chicken, tuna with a little lemon and oil and lots of fruit for me from now on if I was going to lose the fifteen pounds by May, which is when the first club races take place. I then went out for a run in an attempt to work off the cravings that were starting to fill my head. As I ran I day dreamed about getting back to the apartment and going through the trash to recover my chips.

During the first few weeks of my diet I binged constantly, going from eating a can of plain tuna to ordering pizzas and a cheesesteaks from the local pizza shop and downing them within minutes. I'd wake up on Saturday starving and run out to the convenience store to pick up a box of Captain Crunch and polish off the entire box while watching cartoons. I wasn't dating anyone at the time so all I had to think about was rowing and eating in that order. Rowers had a saying that woman ruined a rower and for the time being, I was sticking to that belief.

When I had finally ended my relationship with New York Jen, I'd done it the cowardly way yet again and stopped calling her. The problem was that I lived in constant fear of running into her again knowing that she still visited her friend in the city regularly. With this in mind, one day I came home from crew practice and saw her sitting on our stoop. It had been almost a year since I'd seen her last. My heart pounded when I saw her, "Damn" I thought, "What am I going to do now?" Luckily, I saw her before she saw me and I turned around and ran off in the opposite direction. Jason was the lucky one who was confronted by Jen and he relayed the message back to me later.

"Dude, what's wrong with you?" he asked looking serious. "She's a nice girl, you need to talk to her."

"Nah, she's probably figured it out by now," I said, trying to hide my smile at Jason having had to deal with Jen, while opening a beer.

"What, that you're an asshole?"

"Yeah, that's it," I replied as I guzzled the beer down and let out a loud belch.

"I don't know why these girls like you," Jason said shaking his head in confusion.

"Hey, when ya got it ya got it. What can I say?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"Got what, the clap?" asked Jason as we both laughed.

Jason and I both stretched out on the couches that were on opposite walls in the living room and turned on the TV. We settled in with a few more beers and started to relax from a hard practice. Just then, Calvin walked in with Steve, the liar. Rather than being one of Calvin's famous flash friends, Steve and Calvin were now spending more time together. I suspected that Calvin had gone to visit Steve during the night of the fight. Steve was a real piece of work. Neither Jason or I liked him anymore now than the first time we'd met him.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" asked Steve in his salesman's voice that was unnaturally deep and sickly sweet.

"Nothing that you'd be interested in," said Jason not even turning to look at Steve.

"Hey Kevin, long time no see," said Steve in a poor attempt to sound friendly with a joke since we'd seen him every day this week.

"Go to hell, loser," I mumbled as Steve laughed. He knew we didn't like him and seemed to thrive on it. He would throw it in our faces that he had Calvin's attentions at the moment as if wanting us to be jealous.

"Can one of you guys make some room on the couch so we can watch some TV too? This is my place too you know," said Calvin somewhat hesitantly, since he also knew all too well that we didn't like Steve.

"There's a chair there," I said pointing at the only chair in the room, "squeeze into that," as Steve excused himself to the bathroom.

"Yeah, real funny. Seriously, give us some room, I have a right to be here too."

"And that's why there's a chair for YOU," said Jason.

"Seriously, why don't you take your butt buddy and go somewhere else," I told him looking him directly in the eyes.

"Fuck you," Calvin hissed as Steve came out of the bathroom still pulling up his zipper and looking at all of us with a smirk on his face.

"Let's go to the bar around the corner," Steve said to Calvin.

"Good riddance!" yelled Jason as the door shut behind them.

Jason and I knew Steve from crew at Drexel. He had been on the crew team briefly but had quit by the end of one semester because it was too hard for him. He had claimed, however, that it was too easy and he needed more of a challenge. Steve lied about everything, just for the sake of lying. He would tell people about a weekend of high stakes gambling in Atlantic City when people had seen him that same weekend walking around on campus. He'd talk about hooking up with girls that didn't even know who he was or he'd lie about something as simple as getting a haircut when it was obvious not a hair on his head had been touched. Both Jason and I had made it clear to Calvin that we didn't like Steve , but he decided to ignore it all together. In my heart I also wondered, but would not admit it out loud, if this relationship was more than just a friendship which bothered me even more and made me a bit more vicious when I was faced with it.

After Calvin and Steve left, Jason and I pulled out the chess board and started to play some chess, which we did frequently once we had a few beers in us. I started to think about pizza, cheesesteaks, cheese fries and my stomach groaned. So far I had lost five pounds and had ten more to go.

Losing the weight hadn't been without its issues one of them being the flare up of my hemorrhoids from the lack of fat being taken into my starving body. It made my bowel movements feel like I was passing golf ball sized rocks whenever I sat on the toilet. I also learned something new about myself and that was that I had a tendency to binge eat. I would get to a point where I had no self-control at all and would grab fistful after fistful of Jason's crackers shoving them into my mouth or I would go around the corner to the store and buy two pints of ice cream and eat them both. Afterwards I would feel guilty and beat myself up until I'd end up going for a long run in an attempt to burn off the calories.

Jason and I played three games of chess, all of which I lost. I decided to chalk the losing up to the fact that I couldn't concentrate because I had to smell and watch him eat a mouthwatering hoagie that he had the deli down the block deliver halfway through our second game.

Chapter 12 – Road Trip

The weather was turning warm and the trees and grass were coming out from hibernation just as Jason and I were getting more and more confident in our rowing. Jason and I liked to run past the boathouses just to see all of the girls on the path in their tight and barely there running outfits . The blossoms were coming out all along the river and the flowers' delicate perfume was everywhere. The anticipation of the upcoming Summer races was tangible. We'd lift the boat off the racks and into the water and imagine that everyone on the path was watching us in awe. As we rowed out from the dock we'd pay special attention to being smooth and effortless in our strokes. Jason and I were still rowing in the double, but coach had made it clear that we would not being rowing in the double once the Summer arrived. Personally, I was starting to wonder if I could make the weight anyway.

We decided to take a road trip to the beach in Maryland, where a friend of Becky's had a house. Becky and Jason were talking to each other once again. Jason had never addressed the boyfriend incident with Becky and Becky had been happy not to have to discuss it as well. Calvin and Lori also joined us; Lori was talking to us again as well. Lori hadn't told Becky about Leah if she had known, and again, everyone seemed happy just to sweep it away like the dirt from a stoop.

We packed Becky's jeep with the essentials, beer, weed and some munchies and headed out early Saturday morning. The top was off the Jeep as Becky started off driving on what should have been about a three hour drive. As soon as we got on the highway Jason and I lit a joint. We'd already done some lines before leaving, which no one else knew about. I'd done more than Jason wanting to feel great and trying to mask my growing anxiety over the upcoming season and my weight issue. Calvin had stopped smoking since the last episode with us so he declined as we passed the joint around. A little over an hour into the trip, sitting in the backseat, Jason and I decided that it would be more fun if we turned around in our seats and faced backwards. This also proved to be a successful way of attracting the attention of a car full of girls that was driving behind us.

"Hey, you see the brunette with the tight shirt, that one's mine," I said to Jason.

"Fine with me, I like the blond," he replied as we both laughed. We attempted to signal the girls in sign where we were headed and to meet us there.

"You guys are having too much fun back there," said Becky jealously.

"Someone switch with me and drive for a while, I want some pot anyway." So Jason took over the driving for a while and Becky and Lori lit another joint to share. As it got to be just a little nub of a roach Becky prepared to toss it.

"No, don't get rid of that, that still has at least one if not two good tokes on it, just use your nails and hold it for me," I told her. Becky gripped the tiny roach between her nails and shaking slightly from the effort, held it up to my lips. Anticipating one last big toke, I blew all the air from my lungs and bent over to take a huge inhale of the roach. Just as I inhaled Becky let go. The lit roach was sucked into my mouth and down my throat like a vacuum sucking up a piece of dirt. As the embers burnt my throat I gagged and coughed. The roach shot out of my mouth in a perfect arc and landed between Becky's breasts down her shirt. Becky let out a scream that caused Jason to swerve as she tried to get the roach out of her shirt. She was finally able to get it out but not before a hole was burnt in her shirt right above her belly button, and not before Jason's swerving attracted the attention of a state trooper.

The trooper put on his lights and pulled us over to the side of the road. He took his time getting out of his car, hiking up his belt and walking over to us. My heart was racing with panic, Jason stuck the rest of the weed down his pants and Calvin cursed us under his breath. As the officer got closer to the car he noticed Lori and Becky and his walk changed to a swagger.

"Ladies, what seems to be the problem with your car?" he asked ignoring Jason, Calvin and I altogether.

"No problem officer," replied Lori batting her eyes and smiling. She looked at Jason who was driving and said, "he's my boyfriend and I just told him that I'd cheated on him when I was drunk the other night." Lori attempted looking embarrassed and Jason put on a look that was panic tinged with anger.

"Now then," the officer cleared his throat out of surprise, "I guess I can see how that might upset your boy, a pretty lady like you cheating on her boyfriend," said the officer smiling at Lori and at the same time trying to catch a glimpse of Becky's cleavage.

"Ok then, just be more careful and try to keep calm," he said, finally looking at Jason. "You know," he said looking from Lori to Becky, "I know of a great crab shack just down the road, if you're interested."

"No, thanks sir, we really need to get these losers back to their place. Otherwise it sounds like a great offer," said Lori in her sexiest voice.

"Well, you be safe," replied the officer as he walked away.

"Whew, that was lucky," said Jason letting go his breath as if he'd been holding if for the entire encounter, while Calvin glared at me as I gave him the how's-it-my-fault shrug.

"Light the last joint, I'm coming down fast," I said to Becky looking directly at Calvin as Jason pulled slowly away.

As we smoked the last joint I began to feel lightheaded. I reached up to feel my forehead and I was clammy with beads of sweat breaking out all over, what the fuck? I wondered, was this bad pot? Or was it reacting with too much coke and still surging fear from the encounter with the trooper?

"Jase, something's wrong, pull over," I said with a shaky voice. To me my voice sounded far away and everything was outlined in black like I was looking at a photo negative of the world. Jason pulled over and I stepped out of the jeep and onto the grass and sat down. I could hear everyone talking but it was from far away. "Kevin, are you ok?" I could hear the concern in their voices but couldn't respond. I laid down on the grass. I could still see and hear my friends, but it was from above my body. I was looking down on them with my body lying on the ground. "Call 911!" I watched as they all panicked and made the call. I watched as they stood shivering in a circle, whispering as they waited for the ambulance to arrive. I watched as they all crowded around and my body was lifted into the ambulance, and then everything went black.

The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital with my friends and parents surrounding me all looking concerned. I looked at everyone with a questioning look. Finally, my mom spoke, "You've been in a coma for a month." My heart raced, I didn't know what to say, I just looked around in bewilderment. This isn't possible I thought to myself, I was just on the way to Maryland and got a little dizzy. I tried to talk but couldn't find the words. I started to cry and felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. The doctor walked in and explained that my brain wasn't functioning as it should, the receptors weren't firing which was preventing me from verbalizing my thoughts. The doctor explained that I would have a long recovery period in which I would basically have to re-learn concepts that I used to understand such as small versus big and light versus dark. At this point my parents both broke down and cried.

The doctors told me that I had somehow gotten some angel dust in my system and my body had not reacted well to it. They didn't have an explanation for why none of my friends had had any negative reactions. They just shrugged and said that everyones body reacts differently to these types of drugs in their system.

The recovery process was long and hard. I had to learn hand - eye coordination and mental associations again. My therapist would put pictures of well recognized things such as elephants and mice on the board to help my brain associate big with something big and small with something small. My arms and legs didn't want to work at first when my brain told them to and this too had to be re-learned through a series of muscle and mental stimulation activities such as handling prickly pine cones which would stimulate my nerve endings encouraging my brain to react to the feel of the prickling. I was told to hold medicine balls to stimulate my muscles to react to the weight and at the end of the day I was happy to lay down in the hospital bed and fall deeply and happily to sleep.

At the end of one full year of therapy I was almost back to 100%. Jason, Becky and Calvin came to visit me in April when I was getting out of the hospital. As I looked at them all one year older and changed, I got a lump in my throat and my eyes welled with tears. I couldn't explain to them how sorry I was for putting them through this or how I felt about losing a full year of my life. During the year I had learned a lot about myself. I'd learned that I had a strong will to live and a desire to live life to its fullest. I wished with all of my heart that I could row again and I was sorry I'd missed the opportunity to row with Jason. I learned that I loved these three people standing in front of me more than words could express.

I had decided that, with or without Jason, I wanted to row again. But first, there was something that I felt I had to do.

"I want all of us to take the same road trip again minus the drugs," I said looking at the three of them.

"Wwwhat, why?" replied Jason with an expression of confusion in his voice and on his face.

"I just lost a year of my life and I want to start again where it all ended, it's important to me to do this." They all looked from one to the other and simply nodded their acceptance, not knowing what else to do or say.

So, the following Saturday exactly one year to the day that I had almost left the world, we headed out in Becky's Jeep. The mood was subdued, nothing like it had been a year earlier when we were all carefree and indestructible. We didn't talk much, we just drove each lost in our own thoughts. I looked at each of them, they had all changed and grown apart. Jason and Becky no longer hung out together. After I had gone into the coma, Jason had moved out of the apartment we shared with Calvin, neither of them wanting to be reminded of our fateful road trip. Calvin had become quiet and seemingly introspective with a granola flare. He had long hair pulled back into a pony tail. He wore sandals and a faded T-shirt, and spoke a lot about spirituality. Each of my friends had changed and had gone their own way. I, however, had not changed. I had lost a year of my life and it felt like by making this trip, I would somehow recapture that lost year.

"Stop here," I commanded as we drove to the point where I had collapsed on the side of the rode. I got out of the jeep, my heart pounding, and walked slowly to where I had laid down on the grass, the memories all rushing back over me, overwhelming me so much that I reached back as I collapsed down onto the grass.

"Kevin, are you ok?" Jason yelled at me from far away sounding concerned. Everything started to come back into focus, Calvin, Jason, Becky and Lori were all standing around me in a circle. What the hell? I wondered. What was going on?

"Uhh, what happened?" I mumbled as I wiped rivers of sweat from my forehead. I looked down at my shirt, it was drenched with sweat.

"Dude, you just laid down on the grass and stopped moving," said Jason with obvious concern in his voice. I was beginning to get my bearings, it must have been a hallucination, I was sitting up and looking around with what must have been a confused look. I could smell Becky's perfume and felt Jason's hand as he reached down to pull me to my feet, this was real. Had what happened all been a dream? No, impossible I thought, it was real, this was still one year later.

"What year is it?" I said looking at my friends.

They looked at each other confused, "Dude, what are you talking about?"

"What's going on, how long have I been sitting in the grass?"

"No more than five minutes."

I heaved a sigh of relief, feeling the fresh air fill my lungs and clear the cobwebs from my head. It had been a dream, "Wait until I tell you about my dream, it was real but it wasn't," I said, starting to sound like myself, with a shiver remembering how real it had been. I wiped the rest of the sweat off my forehead, Jason gave me his hand to help me stand up.

"Light that doob back up, I need another big puff," I said as we climbed back into the Jeep, damn it was good to be back to reality.

Chapter 13 – The Zipper Incident

When we got to Becky's friends house we all sacked out in the living room for a while rehashing our adventure. I was still replaying in my mind what had just been a dream, trying to shake the sense of an altered reality. We were all hungry and decided to go to a local crab shack, Catching Crabs, for some crabs and beer. Calvin declined, telling us that he was headed over to someone's place, where, to our collective surprise and dismay, Steve was staying for the weekend.

When Jason heard the name of the place we were going to he started cracking up. "Yo, Calvin, didn't Steve give you crabs? You two should join us there, you could re-live some fond memories."

"Shut the fuck up Jason, speak for yourself. You're the one who brought the crabs back to our place not me."

Someone, but no one was admitting to it being them, had brought crabs into our apartment and we'd all had to use the special burning lotion in the shower to rid themselves of the nasty little things. Both Jason and Calvin continued to blame one another but I had my suspicions as to who it was. I'd determined that it was most likely Jason since the crabs had become a problem soon after Jason's night with Leah. Calvin and I had most likely caught them from the shower.

"What is up with the two of you? Are you lovers or what?" I asked with more than a little irritation.

"We just like hanging out," replied Calvin evasively and left.

The crab shack was perfect, it was in an old run down clapboard building that was in desperate need of paint. The inside was filled with long tables covered in news-paper and buckets placed at strategic points on the tables. We ordered a couple dozen crabs, corn on the cob, shrimp and beers. I was going to pay for this later, I thought to myself, as I felt the pounds getting packed on with each bite of corn and shrimp. The crabs I could justify since they were difficult to get much meat out of.

"I'm going to regret eating all of this next week when I have to run in full sweats aren't I."

"Give it a rest and enjoy yourself," said Jason.

"Oh, and you'll be the first one to complain before a race when I can't make weight, won't you."

"You know it, fat boy."

"You know, Kevin," said Lori, "what you're doing to your body is actually going to weaken your heart. The heart can't take being constantly dehydrated and then stressed to the point that you stress it when you're rowing. Not to mention when you run in full sweats and are already dehydrated you're raising your core body temperature to a dangerous level."

"Hmm, let me think about that...so, why do I care?"

"Don't you remember that guy from another school during our freshman year that died of heat exhaustion? He was a lightweight rower wasn't he? I'd be willing to bet that he dehydrated himself to make weight. And if you don't kill yourself now, you'll be sorry when you're fifty and you have heart issues that can be traced back to what you're doing to your body now is all I'm saying. Just be careful and try not to overdo it." Lori looked from Jason to me and back with genuine concern. As if pleading with him to talk some sense into me.

Now I felt attacked and reacted defensively. "What am I supposed to do? I work out at least three hours a day doing cardio work that taxes my body beyond anything I've ever done and now I have to lose ten more pounds. So not only am I expected to have to have incredible amounts of energy but I need to eat less than I burn. If you ask me it's nearly impossible. Plus I think I'm going to lose muscle on top of everything else. I've got to admit, I wonder what I'm doing it for."

"Yeah but when we win Nationals, tell me it wasn't worth it then," said Jason with his mouth full of corn and beer.

I thought about rowing and Nationals, in particular. It seemed like we were putting an awful lot of hope and pain into something that might not happen. Jason too had to diet, just not nearly as much as I did, so he knew how I felt about not eating. What we were eating and drinking here was going to set my diet back at least a week, if not more. A week's worth of weight and more damage psychologically, since I had to work hard to condition myself to accept less food than my body wanted and needed and that my brain asked for.

"Lori's right, Kevin, you're going to hurt yourself doing what you're doing," said Becky.

"Both of you, give it a rest, I really don't think that what I'm doing is going to have any long or short term effects," and with that I ended the conversation about dieting.

I dug my fork into a crab and fished out the succulent meat and finished it off with a huge swig of beer and a loud belch.

"You're such a pig," said Becky in mild disgust.

"What?" I feigned being insulted, "It just means that I'm enjoying my meal. I love this stuff. Growing up we never ate this kind of food. My Dad was strictly a meat and potatoes kind of guy. I can't count how many times we had pot roast growing up, pfhlaat." I stuck my tongue out. Growing up, I had starved most nights since my palate wouldn't accept pot roast or meat pot pie as edible food. I recalled one evening when I was younger. My Mother had made me sit in front of a particularly fatty piece of meat until I ate it. I refused and decided that forcing myself to throw up on the meat might make her change her mind. I was wrong and was told to sit there until I ate both the throw up and the meat. This standoff had lasted until my parents went to bed and I happily fed the plate to our dog.

"So, Kevin, we all know why Jason's parents don't come to your crew races, why don't yours?" Becky asked. I had to think about this for a while. When I was younger my parents had attended my sporting competitions but since college they had been discreetly absent. Ever since I was a kid all I wanted was for my Father to tell me that he was proud of me, but he never did. It wasn't that I thought that he wasn't proud, I just wanted to hear it verbalized. Once I got to college, I distanced myself from my parents as a defense mechanism. If they didn't come to any competitions then I didn't run the risk of not hearing that they were proud, it was easier that way. There were times where I wished I had invited them to a particular race, but, in the end, my life was easier if the added complication of unfulfilled expectations didn't enter the picture.

"I don't know, how exciting is it to watch a crew race?" I asked in answer to Becky's question. At a crew race a spectator could sit for hours in the stands or along the river waiting for a single race to come down the river. Once the boat got within viewing distance it was fully visible for maybe one minute and that was the end of the race. The excitement of a race was inside the boat. In the boat the coxswain could be heard calling our strokes and the status of the race. The spectator only sees from the land which is only seeing at a distance and not really experiencing the excitement of the race or appreciating the effort and concentration that goes into rowing. Many people, while watching races, have commented on how effortless rowing appears to be. What they don't understand, is how much effort went into making it look so effortless.

"True, true, personally, I don't care much for the races myself, they're pretty boring," said Becky shrugging.

"Hey, so what's up with Calvin and that loser Steve?" asked Lori, finally changing the subject for good. A subject that we could all agree on was that we all hated Steve, so there was no hiding anything at the table.

"I think they're lovers," said Jason with bits of corn flying out of his mouth.

Becky laughed at this, "How could Calvin be attracted to Steve? He's so ugly."

"I hear he's got a big schlong," said Jason sarcastically. "Lori, do you know anything about that?" he said and laughed while Lori sent him darts of death from her eyes and mouthed FU. One of the supposed lies Steve spread around school in the Fall was that he'd slept with Lori.

"Ok, that's enough," I said, "he's not gay, he told me he's not when I asked him."

"Dude, you think he'd really admit that to you, mister homo-phobe?" said Jason laughing and spitting more corn out of his mouth.

"I've known him since high school, we used to go on double dates, explain that to me."

"He may have just been trying out women, not being sure how he felt about them," said Lori.

"Hey, my corn has a hole in it," said Jason with a huge shit eating grin on his face and holding up his corn cob, "Get it?"

"Fuck you guys, he's not gay," I said and pushed my chair back from the table to leave.

When we got back to Becky's friends place we were all so full we decided to just hang out on the deck overlooking the canal. Jason and Becky lit up a joint but I wasn't having any of it, I was stuffed and somewhat depressed over the thoughts of Calvin and Steve swirling around in my head.

I was happy to relax on the big deck looking up at the clear sky with all of the stars and at the moon reflecting in the water. I looked around at my friends and smiled to myself, it was good to be here at this place and time with them even if Calvin was off screwing some guy.

That night, Becky and Lori slept on the pull out couch while Jason took the bed and I took the floor in a spare bedroom. This left a another spare couch for Calvin, if or when he got back.

When I woke up the next morning, I went out to the kitchen and saw that Lori and Becky were already up and whispering in hushed voices and looking in the direction of the couch. I started to ask them what was up and then saw Calvin laying on the couch with Steve laying on the floor next to the couch. Oh great I thought heaving a big sigh, now we have to deal with Stevie boy this morning. But that wasn't what Becky and Lori were whispering about.

Becky grabbed me and whispered, "check out Calvin's zipper." I looked again and saw that Calvin's zipper was completely open and his boxers were clearly visible.

So, I shrugged, and then it hit me. "You don't think...?"

"What do you think, it's pretty suspicious," said Becky giggling.

My heart began to pound. What the hell was he thinking doing this right in front of us? I stared at his striped red and white boxers and my anger with him started to build up until it was blinding me. I was going to kick his ass and then kick Steve's for good measure. As I walked over to the couch, I accidentally kicked Steve in the stomach, and gave Calvin a hard tap on his skull. Steve looked up at me with a smile that looked like a cat who ate a mouse and said in his sugar-coated voice, "Oh, hey Kev, what's up buddy?" I ignored him and glared at Calvin.

"Yo, what the hell?" I asked as I looked from his face to his zipper and back again. He finally got the hint and quickly zippered up his pants. He got up from the couch and I followed him into the kitchen. "So, why do you have to shove it in our faces? I don't need to know that you and Steve are getting it on."

"Give me a break, I unbuttoned my pants and undid the zipper to be more comfortable since I was sleeping in my clothes and I ate too much last night." I wasn't prepared for this explanation and as I mulled it over it made sense to me. Jason was shaking his head in the background in disbelief, but I was ready to believe Calvin.

I smiled at Calvin, "Well, just don't let me find out that you and Steve are butt buddies. If I have to find out that you're gay, at least pick someone who's cooler than Steve."

"Don't worry, I'm not gay," said Calvin looking me directly in the eyes. For an ever so slight instant I thought that I saw just a glimmer of evasiveness, but it passed quickly.

We all sat down to eat a big breakfast, after which we walked down to the beach to see the ocean and then headed back to the city.

Chapter 14 – Lightweight Race

I finally had control of my weight and had perfected the technique of dehydrating myself before a weigh in. It involved not drinking any liquids, other than a few sips of water here and there, starting at about 6pm the night before a weigh in. I would also go for a run in full sweats and come home and take a hot bath. The next morning I'd wake up and squeeze what little my bladder had in it out and go get weighed in. Weigh ins were usually hours before the race so Jason and I would head out to the local breakfast place and gorge on eggs, bacon and pancakes, all the time re-hydrating with Gatorade. We'd then go for a light run to start burning off the food and to keep from going into a food coma.

It was May and coach decided that he wanted to enter a four man sweep oared boat in a qualifying event for the Pan Am games with the qualifying event to be held in Princeton on Lake Carnegie. He chose the four strongest lightweight rowers he had in the house at the time, which included Jason and I. We started to dream about how great it would be to go to the Pan Am Games and we saw this as an opportunity to really show everyone how good we had become. I caught myself daydreaming more than a few times about how I would tell all of the people that I knew that we'd made the Pan Am games. I could taste the glory, it was palpable and tasted of salty sweetness. In my mind, the victory was as good as ours.

The week before the race, I found myself famished and dreaming of hamburgers, pizza, french fries and cheese steaks. In an attempt to belay the hunger and knowing that I could not stop thinking about food I started to write down all of the food that I would have once this diet was over:

_Nacho's with greasy ground beef, covered in a combination of asiago, monterey jack and cheddar cheese , Lasagna with loads of meat and drowned in fresh mozzarella cheese, Cheesesteaks for breakfast, lunch and dinner, meat lovers pizza, a cheeseburger with bacon smothered in American cheese, a large milkshake, fries with cheese whiz, a big bag of chocolate chip cookies followed by a bag of peanut butter cookies, chips – any variety, a huge slab of prime rib covered in blue cheese and butter sauce, ice cream – preferably Breyers._..

I decided to quench my hunger with a pint of Peanut Butter ice cream. The ice cream was a treat for my senses, it was smooth and creamy and quieted my hungry stomach. The problem was that once my stomach got the taste for the ice cream it wouldn't stop growling until I satisfied it with another pint the next day and the next.

The night before the race I couldn't sleep, I tossed and turned with excitement looking forward to the race and my high expectations racing through my head. Every time I'd lay down and get close to sleep I'd suddenly jerk awake with my heart racing to thoughts of the glory and fame that would be mine. I lay in bed thinking about every single stroke we would take to win the race. With about 4 hours remaining before we had to get up I finally fell into a deep sleep.

The next morning I awoke to Jason yelling at the top of his lungs; "Waky waky my brother rowers, our time has come!"

I rolled over mumbling "Fuck off."

"Dude, get your ass up, it's only 30 minutes until weigh in."

At weigh in I weighed in at a whopping 167.5 lbs., a healthy 2.5 lbs. over the maximum weight. I looked around sheepishly at the guys in the boat as I heard them all groan. Not only was I asking many of them to weigh in at less than 160 since the boat average couldn't be over 160, but I was not even keeping up my end of the bargain. I shrugged my shoulders and started to put on my sweats to go for a run. I ran for about 30 minutes and came back to weigh in again, still 1.5 lbs. over said the man that was weighing me in, shaking his head.

This time I got more than groans, "What the hell Kevin, how are you going to row after running for an hour?"

"Shut up and calm down," interjected coach, "he'll be fine. I trained you guys for this, focus on the race, Kevin will be fine. Isn't that right Squidly?"

As I headed out for another run coach put his arm on my shoulder, "Kevin, you'll be ok, don't worry, you're a strong rower and this running is just a warm up."

"I hope you're right, just get those guys calm down."

This time when I stepped on the scale I held my breath and envisioned my feet lifting off the scale, my body was light as a feather, light thoughts, light thoughts I repeated to myself. "Weight 164.5 lbs.," said the weigher and wrote it in permanent market on my arm. I let my breath out in a huge rush as my teammates heaved a collective sigh of relief.

Now I could enjoy myself before the race. Jason and I took a walk around and noticed a lot of crew groupies down by the lake. We stuck our skinny chests out and strutted by them, seeing out of the corner of our eyes that they were admiring us, or so we imagined.

"Yo, did you see the blond with the tight body watching me?" I said with pride.

"Dream on stud, they were wondering how a white Ethiopian became a rower."

"The blond gave me the up and down look, she wants me. I'm going over to talk to her."

"Ok, if you feel it's necessary, go for it stud boy."

I sauntered over to her and smiled a confident smile as I introduced myself, "Hi, I'm Kevin."

"Yeah, so?" she shrugged and looked the other way.

I was suddenly not so confident but couldn't just turn around and walk away, like I should have. "Umm, I just wanted to say hi. Are you a crew fan?"

"Yeah, my boyfriends a heavyweight rower for Princeton," she replied looking out at the water as if searching for him.

"Oh...ok...well...I have to get going." I lowered my head and slowly backed away feeling embarrassed and demoralized.

"There you go, did you get it out of your system? Have you looked in the mirror lately? You are not as studly as you think. In fact I'd argue that you are the antithesis of a stud. You're what that girl would probably call a dud," said Jason as he slapped me on the back.

"Fuck off, at least I used to have some muscles, you never did."

We wandered around for a while longer hydrating and admiring the pretty Ivy League women that were watching the races. I'd learned my lesson and didn't dare approach any of them again.

"Let's go guys, gather around," yelled coach clapping his hands. "Ok, you know what I want. Jason, you're the stroke so don't rush the slides and keep everyone steady and strong, ok? Start off with a power 20 and see where you're at. I expect you to be in front by the halfway point, you guys are better than anyone else here, that's why you're in this boat. Ok, go out there and kick some ass!"

We walked over to the boat and took orders from our cox, "Lay hands on the boat, up and over, drop to shoulders." The port rowers then dropped the boat to their left shoulder and starboard dropped it to their right. Once we got the boat over the water, "ok, drop down to waist, and ease into the water." We got our oars and put them into the oar locks and got into the boat. "Everyone tie in, port side, push away from the dock." The port side rowers retracted their oars and used the blade to push against the dock as the boat eased out into the lake; and we started the trip up to the start line. The boat was quiet, all of us were deep in our own thoughts preparing for the next six minutes of our lives, the approximate time it would take us to make it to the finish line after the start.

I was rowing behind Jason and noticed that he was rowing more rigidly that he typically did. "Calm down, keep it steady, you'll be fine," I said, to which he seemed to ease up a bit and his stroke became more fluid.

When we got close to the start line we had to wait for the race before ours to go off. As we sat there I noticed quakes running through Jason's arms and legs. "Come on, stress free, it's going to be fine, you know how to do this."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good," he replied distractedly.

It was time for our race. We maneuvered our boat into position with a few backwards strokes and the holder grabbed the stern of the boat. I could feel my muscles tense as we sat in the ready position. It seemed like we were sitting ready forever as the starter called out: "Boat six, two feet forward. Boat two, one foot back." I could feel a bead of sweat building on my forehead and slowly running down my nose before dropping onto my lip. I wanted to reach up and wipe it from my nose to stop the tickling stream but couldn't let go of my oar, so instead I licked the salty sweat from my sandpaper dry lips. Jason turned his head around and said in a shaking voice, "It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing."

And the race was on, we started with 20 power strokes at a high rate and settled, or should have. The rate was too high to maintain, our slides were crashing and the boat was not moving smoothly through the water, we were fighting the water.

"Ease down, smooth slides," called the cox, but it was no use. The entire boat was too amped up and Jason didn't have the control to be able to slow any of us down. I stole a quick glance at the other boats, we were already losing water to them. My breath was already coming in rasps. The stroke rate was too high and I was going into oxygen debt too soon in the race. I had to ease up and since I couldn't ease up on the stroke rate I eased up on the power I was applying to the oar. As I eased up I felt the rest of the boat behind me ease off slightly as well. I looked around again at our competition and saw that they had open water on us, meaning the bow of our boat no longer overlapped with any portion of their boats. The race was over.

"Come on!" screamed Jason as he tried to catch his breath. "Pick it up!" We picked up the pace but it was only symbolic. We were all done mentally and physically.

As we crossed the finish line dead last and let our oars glide on top of the water Jason turned around and hissed at me, "You eased up in the middle of the race, I felt it."

"The race was over, they had open water on us."

"Maybe so, but you gave up, you disappoint me."

"Jase, our stroke rate was too high, by the middle of the race I could barely breathe. You didn't control the slides. Not all of us can row until we puke you know."

The boat that won was from the National team camp. When we crossed the finish line, they were all celebrating. We rowed over to offer our congratulations but they didn't care. As far as they were concerned they were the boat destined to win anyway. "Just hand over your shirts and get lost losers," one of them said. In rowing, the tradition is that the winning boat can claim any of the losing boats shirts and they wanted ours. We silently peeled off our sweaty jerseys and handed them over and then rowed away with our heads hung low shirtless and without pride.

Chapter 15 – A Swarm Storms Boathouse Row

School was out and the Summer was finally upon us. As Jason and I headed to the boathouse one Monday in mid-May we noticed new rowers milling around everywhere on boathouse row. There were rowers running on the path, rowers with oars walking into the houses and rowers hanging out reminiscing about the recently finished college season. These were not the same club rowers we'd gotten used to seeing, these were cocky rowers fresh off successful college seasons. Once the colleges let out for the Summer, all of the best rowers from the top schools in the country would descend on boathouse row in Philadelphia, the Potomac in DC and The Charles River in Boston to test their skills against one another.

The attraction to Philadelphia were the boathouses. Nowhere else in the country are there so many boathouses clustered together so close to the city's downtown area. Boathouse row has many clubs available to choose from to row out of. There's Undine, a house primarily dedicated to sculling singles and doubles. Penn AC, where Olympic caliber heavyweight rowers row. Other options include Malta, another sculling club, Vesper, a club dedicated to elite rowers of all types and University, a private club, just to name a few. The house Jason and I belonged to was dedicated to lightweight rowers, which coach had made clear early on.

As we approached our house we eyed up the rowers hanging around outside the house, they would be our competition to make the A boat. We silently rated each rower, deciding by appearance alone whether or not they looked like they could row and if they would in fact be any competition. Everyone was cataloging in their heads who they'd need to prepare themselves to compete against for the coveted seats in the lightweight eight A boat. Sometimes you could tell a rower by the wide shoulders and lean muscles, but this didn't always hold true. The practice of eyeing up your competition was not an exact science. It was more a psychological strategy. A way of getting into your competition's head before the competition on the water began. The rowers that looked like they just didn't care were the ones cocky enough to know they were good. They didn't have to compare themselves, they already knew they were the best. Jason and I stared down a few rowers that were doing the same to us and walked into the boathouse.

Inside, there were more rowers milling around, upstairs lifting and lounging on the couches. Overall, I estimated about thirty rowers in all, most of them looking like they could be lightweights. Jason and I went over to a couch where some guys we knew were sitting and sat down with them.

I looked around with confidence knowing that I could beat most of these guys, if not all of them in a head to head race on the river. I glanced over at Jason and knew without asking him that he was thinking the same thing. The other guys we had been rowing with all Winter, however, looked a bit overwhelmed by all of the new blood in the house and the upcoming competition to make boats. There was a quiet calm hanging over the boathouse. The kind of calm that occurs before a Spring storm when the sky is still light but there's a strange dark highlight that's descended right before the sky opens up. In reality it was actually quite loud in the boathouse with the sounds of people's chatter intermingling with the grunts of guys lifting weights and then letting them clang onto the floor.

"Ok guys, come on over here," yelled coach clapping his hands. "This is the deal. I want two lightweight eight boats to take to Nationals, an A and a B boat. We'll also do some doubles and fours, but, my primary focus is Nationals. If we do well at Nationals, we'll go up to Canada for the Canadian Henley." Jason and I looked at each other with confident smiles, certain that we'd both be in the A boat. My muscles quaked as I stood there listening to coach, with the anticipation of the upcoming weeks of competition to make the boats. "For the next two weeks, we're going to be switching everyone in and out of boats to see who rows the best together and doing a lot of seat races, so be ready and good luck."

The key to a successful eight man boat is how well the rowers row together, the timing and the technique must all be perfectly in sync. This sounds simple, but it's not. Some rowers just don't follow other rowers well, they might have arms that are too long or legs that are too short or just simply have timing issues. A person could be the strongest rower in a boat, but if he can't row well with the other people in his boat, the strength will become a negative rather than a positive. By switching rowers in and out of boats coach would be able to determine who were the best rowers and who worked well together in the boats. He'd be able to see who could actually make the boat move in the water.

Seat racing is a way to gauge who rows well together and who is the strongest rower in general. A seat race is held using at least two rowers sometimes four; at a minimum it's a port and a starboard rower in the same boat going against a port and starboard rower from another boat. The two rowers in each boat row go head to head rowing against each other for somewhere between 250 and 500 meters, while the other rowers in the boat hold the balance with the blades of their oars on top of the water. The coach will then switch out one of the rowers and do the race again thus narrowing down who the best rowers are by seeing who wins the most seat races no matter who they're teamed up with. I looked forward to seat racing because it gave me the opportunity to look my competition in the eyes as I outright beat them.

"Ok guys, let me introduce you to your coxswains," said coach, but all I heard was one name as I locked eyes with Tanya. Tanya was small as all coxswains tend to be. She had blond hair and big brown eyes that were like pools of cedar fed water that mesmerized me with their intensity. She had an athletic build with smallish breasts and a tiny waist on top of what appeared to be a tight butt. As soon as we locked eyes, she and I were caught up with each other and only aware of one other.

"Hey, Squidly, I told you to grab your oar and get into the boat."

"Uhh, sorry coach, what boat did you say again?" Tanya gave a short giggle and turned around to collect her cox box and get to her assigned boat which happened to be the same one that Jason and I were going to be rowing in for todays practice.

A cox box is a small electronic box that hooks into the boats speaker system and comes with a headset microphone and stroke rate counter, allowing the coxswain to yell at the boat without straining and still have hands free to steer.

Once we got out on the river I started to receive a constant stream of corrections from Tanya. "Come on five man get with the rate, square your blade up earlier, your timing is off," and on and on. Damn, I don't think I like this girl, I thought to myself and spit out a curse loud enough for Jason to hear and laugh.

Once we started with the seat races, I forgot about Tanya and put all of my frustration into beating my competition. Coach called out the first race, "Kevin, you and Jason are against..." I didn't even pay attention to the names, it didn't matter. "Rowers ready? Row!" That was all I needed, Jason and I were off like a shot and have a few seats on the competition within twenty strokes. The other guys in our boat yelled their encouragement.

Tanya yelled to "settle!"

"Screw that," I yelled at Jason, "let's finish them off!" Jason and I kept our stroke rate high until coach called to stop.

"Ok guys, Kevin, I want you to switch with ..." Again, it didn't matter, I was going to crush all competition. And so it continued. Coach would pull up alongside our boat or the other boat to switch the rowers in and out of seats. I would look across the river as we sat ready and say to myself while looking at the other rower, I'm going to embarrass you so much that you'll never want to get into a boat again.

"Hey, Kevin, right?" said Tanya coming over to me after practice. "That was some good rowing out their today, you're strong."

"Well, according to you, I need lots of work."

"Yeah, your stroke needs some work but you're obviously strong and when it comes right down to it you row well with other rowers or you wouldn't have won all of your seat races." I smiled and relaxed a bit. I changed my mind, she wasn't so bad.

"Do you like pasta?" asked Tanya in a perky voice, looking at me with those big brown eyes.

"Uhh, sure."

"Why don't I come over to your place tonight and cook pasta for you and Jason? You live with Jason, right?" Whoa, hold on there a second. On second thought she was way too aggressive and a bit too quick for me.

"Uhh, I guess so." I didn't know how to tell her no, she was starting to scare me. I looked around for some help from Jason but he was standing in the background not wanting to get in the middle of this and holding his hand over his mouth trying to hide the fact that he was laughing.

"Good, I'll come over tonight. I'll bring the ingredients. You guys need to keep your energy up and pasta is the best fuel for it." She turned and walked off with a confident smile, her hips swaying seductively beneath the rowing tights she was wearing. Then again, maybe she's not so bad I thought. Regardless, she was a bit scary in her approach.

"Dude, what was that all about? A bit aggressive wasn't she?" asked Jason laughing as we jogged home from practice. I had a sneaking suspicion that Jason had had something to do with her invite.

"Yeah well, get this, she's coming over to make us pasta for dinner."

"Well, alright then, I like her already."

When we got home I noticed the sink full of dishes that were so filthy that some actually had what appeared to be mold growing on them.

"Yo, Jason, get your ass out here and clean your dishes!"

"You're kidding right? They're either your dishes or Calvin's, but considering I haven't seen him around lately I'm going with yours. Clean them yourself!"

"Fuck you, I'll throw the damn things out before I clean anything that nasty. Speaking of which, did you clean the bathroom this month?"

"Give me a break, we haven't cleaned the bathroom in about three months, haven't you noticed the mold with legs in there lately? Why do you think I started wearing sandals in there?"

We both laughed and left the dishes in the sink. Let's see how Tanya deals with this, I thought to myself. The entire place was dirty, we had left the floor go for so long without cleaning that after about five minutes of walking on our floor in socks the bottoms of your socks were as black as tar. We also seemed to have, what I considered, a mutant strain of albino roaches that occupied every nook and cranny in the place including the silverware drawer and couch.

Just like every day after practice, my stomach was growling pleading with me to feed it some crackers or some other form of carbohydrate. I attempted to ignore the hunger pains by turning on the TV and ten minutes later Tanya walked in with a jar of pasta sauce and a box of pasta. Jason and I just looked at each other and shook our heads. Our mouths had been watering with the thought of homemade pasta and meat sauce and here we were getting a jar of Ragu and pasta from a box. With a last name like Pegoretti we had assumed that Tanya would be bringing all fresh ingredients.

Tanya took one look at the sink and rolled up her sleeves laughing and gagging at the same time and started to clean the dishes. Jason and I looked at each other, mission accomplished. Once she was done with the dishes she turned to me, "Remind me to bring a mop and sponge the next time I come over," she said turning her nose up at our floor. She looked into my eyes with those cedar brown eyes of hers and confirmed without words that there would be many "next" times.

After dinner we curled up on the couch together. I couldn't believe how close I was getting to this girl so soon but we both agreed that it felt totally right. I confided in her that I had never had sex before and that the very thought of actually doing it made me perspire uncontrollably. It had always been a case of the wrong time, wrong place, wrong person.

"Well, we'll have to fix that. I'll teach you," whispered Tanya into my ear as I felt my excitement growing. "Not tonight though, just hold me," she laughed.

"What do you think about our chances this Summer for Nationals?"

"With you and Jason in my boat, I'd say no one can beat us." Damn, I really liked this girl.

When Tanya left, Jason came out of his room. "Dude, I thought you two were going to have sex on the couch."

"So did I for a minute, but no such luck tonight, soon though."

"I take it that you like her then?"

"Yeah, I think I do. Did you see her body? Plus think about it, how convenient is it that she's on the team? This way I don't have to deal with someone who doesn't understand the time we spend at the boathouse or any kind of jealousy over rowing."

"Hey, as long as you're having fun, it's cool."

The next day at practice Tanya and I caught each other's eyes a few times. I noticed a slight smile and sparkle in her eyes each time, but we had both agreed that we were going to play this quiet until after the boats were set. This way it wouldn't cause any issues with anyone if I was dating the coxswain of the A boat and I made the A boat. The decision would be completely up to coach but he would most definitely confide in the cox's to get feedback on who worked well together in their opinions.

Chapter 16 – Warm Nights

It was already hot and sticky and it wasn't even July yet; July being the month that's typically the most humid in Philly, with August a close second. We kept our windows open 24 hours a day in an attempt to keep a breeze flowing through the apartment. At night, I lay in my bed dripping with sweat, never really able to cool off. I'd toss and turn all night on the uncomfortably wet sheets trying to find a dry corner and in the morning I'd wake up still soaked in sweat. Walking outside, looking up the boulevard at the art museum, the trees lining the road were distorted by the heat waves coming off the hot asphalt. The only times that it wasn't completely miserable was after the sun went down if there was a light breeze blowing, and very early in the morning just before sunrise. There was one up side to the heat, I was sweating off excess weight, without even trying. On special days, Tanya would have her car and rather than jogging to practice we'd drive to practice with the refreshing coolness of the air conditioning cooling off our overheated bodies.

As usual I was still struggling with eating and at night when I wasn't busy, I'd dream about all of the food that I wasn't supposed to eat, adding to my growing list of foods that I wanted to devour.

_Any Reese's candy, Doritos, Blueberry crisp – heavy on the crisp, a dozen Dunkin Donuts with lots of cream filled_...

I suffered from uncontrollable binges, like the time I came home and ate an entire box of Ritz crackers. Even with the binging, I was maintaining a weight that was hovering close enough to my target weight so that I could sweat off the excess without much of a problem before a weigh in.

One morning, I found myself standing above the grimy bathroom sink, which had a fissure the size of the San Andreas fault line, looking into the mirror. My chest was never big but it seemed to have gotten smaller and was now accentuated by my visible ribs. My arms, however, looked much more defined and my lats were definitely bigger, I thought, as I batted one proudly with my hand. My eyes traveled up to my face, my nose could be a bit smaller. I looked into my light blue eyes that were outlined with dark circles and saw a weariness mixed with a fire. This was the fire that drove me to accomplish things beyond my physical ability. The tiredness was a result of the constant struggle between my desire to do something great, fighting with my desire to relax and at times give up.

The seat races were coming to an end and it was all but confirmed that Jason and I would be in the A boat. I'd never lost a seat race and Jason was a close second to me, with only one loss. We were both rowing regularly in the five and six seats, the engine room of the boat. Tanya was our cox and we were no longer hiding our relationship since we'd been seen getting out of her car together in the morning.

Two weeks after the pasta dinner we had a race as the officially set boats. The night before our race, Tanya was at our apartment, as usual, and I went for a run in my sweats to get ready for weigh in. When I got back I ran a tub as part of my sweating off the weight routine and climbed in.

While in the tub I was relaxing with the washcloth over my face trying to visualize the upcoming race, my mind drifting off slowly counting the strokes and feeling the boat glide across the water when I suddenly felt a foot and then a leg break the plane of the water. I took the washcloth off my face and looked up to see Tanya completely naked and climbing into the tub on top of me. She smiled nervously, I could see goose bumps all over her body.

"Tanya, you know that I have no idea what I'm doing right?" My heart raced.

"Don't worry, I'll teach you how," she whispered guiding herself onto me.

I had no reason to worry, we were totally compatible and ready for this to happen. I closed my eyes and leaned back into the warm water as our bodies moved together. When it was all over Tanya leaned into me and whispered, "I love you Kevin."

I shivered with the impact of being told something so unexpected and with only a slight hesitation said in a trembling voice, "I love you too." Tanya sank into the water still on top of me, wrapping her arms around me.

The next day I had no problem making the weight and our boat won the race without even breaking into a sprint at the end. As per tradition, we grabbed Tanya and, swinging her out over the dock, we launched her about twenty feet into the air and into the Schuylkill. She came out of the river laughing, with her clothes clinging to her body and my thoughts drifted back to last night. She must have known what I was thinking because she gave me a knowing look and smiled. For a brief moment I thought the smile looked like one of confidence in claiming ownership over something.

Jason looked from me to Tanya and back, "Dude, If you were in the bathroom doing what I think you were doing you'd better clean that tub out, I'm not putting my feet on that tub floor until you clean it."

"Get over it, it's good for your skin."

"Yo, you're sick, tell it to Calvin."

Tanya interrupted, "Don't worry Jason, I'll clean it. Don't listen to Kevin." I shrugged and smiled, I was rowing, having sex and having the time of my life.

Tanya and I were spending every waking moment outside of work together and most sleeping moments as well. One morning, I went into the bathroom and noticed a purple toothbrush that wasn't my roommate's and I didn't think that it was Calvin's either, although I wondered for a minute, until Tanya followed me in and grabbed the toothbrush and started to brush her teeth.

"What's this?"

"I thought since I was spending so much time here that I should just bring some of my stuff over. Speaking of..." she pulled a small round plastic case from the medicine cabinet and showed it to me.

"What is that, a compact?"

"No silly, it's a diaphragm. I bought it for us, we're going to use it. We can't keep making love without protection. I may be able to time myself to when I can't get pregnant but I'm not perfect." She was right, I'd been concerned about the same thing myself. I followed her out of the bathroom as she put the diaphragm into my dressers shirt drawer. "There, right where it's easy to get to."

When Tanya opened the drawer I noticed some of her sun dresses with the flower prints on one side and my shirts that had been discretely pushed to the other side, to make room for her clothes. She looked up at me and smiled serenely.

"Why don't you ever use makeup?" I suddenly blurted.

"I don't believe in it, it hides the true person."

"Well, I'd like to see you wear it sometimes. I think it looks nice."

"Oh? Really? Well I'll just have to run right out and get myself made up since Kevin wants me to."

"Well, I think it's important to look your best and makeup helps with that."

"If you really think that, then I'm disappointed in you. Be free to be yourself Kevin, you should never hide behind a mask, hiding your true identity."

"What are you a super hero now? How's that hiding who you are? You're just improving yourself."

"You're being ridiculous, if you have an issue with me moving some of my stuff in here tell me now and I'll take it home with me." No, I shook my head, I didn't want her to do that. Or at least I wasn't going to tell her that, not now.

Chapter 17 – Video Store Jerks

Being a movie buff, Calvin worked part time in a video store where he got me a job for the Summer. The store was in the basement of a big apartment building on a residential block in the middle of the city. Sheryl, an outspoken lesbian who wore a long dark raincoat covered with buttons spouting political gay rights propaganda, managed a small section of the store that sold used music CD's. The store manager, Rick, was a big man-child that reveled in lording his managerial power over everyone, Calvin and I in particular. The store was a dying breed. Most of the customers came in for porn; they didn't want their information out on the ether like most people that watched porn these days. Rick trying to capitalize on the porn business also had Sheryl manage a little section of novelty sex items that were selling at a surprising pace.

It was a perfect job. When it was slow, we could put on music or movies and hang out joking with Sheryl and the other people that worked there. Rick didn't really come out of his office much as he spent most of his time flipping through porn magazines and going into the bathroom to jerk off. Once in a while he'd come up to the front to remind us to straighten the shelves or to tell Sheryl to get the lesbian music off the store stereo. On these occasions Sheryl would just give Rick the finger and walk away. She didn't care and knew that he'd never do anything about it.

Most days Tanya would drop us off at work since she didn't have a job. Today happened to be one of those days. Before she'd let me go, she had to make a big show of publicly displaying her affection, as if she had to prove to everyone that I belonged to her, before driving away.

"I do not like that girl, she's too controlling. And what's with that kiss, she was practically groping you," spat Calvin disgustedly.

"Let it alone, she gives great head," I tried to brush the topic off by surprising him.

"Oh pardon me, now there's a good reason to keep someone around."

Talking about my relationship with Tanya to Calvin was not high on my list of favorite things to do. He had made it clear that he didn't like her many times, and Tanya had made it clear that she thought Calvin was gay, telling me so on more than one occasion. This was not actually a character flaw per se, it was more of a question of nature and upbringing. Tanya was raised by a very macho Italian father and had three macho Italian brothers. In Tanya's family, a man was the king to be served by the women. There was no allowance for guys that were less than men or for guys that liked guys or girls that liked girls for that matter. So, to Tanya, Calvin was an aberration of nature. Tanya may have been liberal in many respects but, on this, she had been raised to believe certain things and Calvin's feminine side didn't sit well with Tanya. She'd told me that any guy that spent so much time and money on face and body products was just not right with her. And Calvin certainly had a lot of products. He took up most of the bathroom shelving with all kinds of creams and scents. To make matters worse, Tanya knew Sheryl and she disapproved of her as well. She made it perfectly clear to me that she had reservations about my employment at the store. She probably thought that the gayness would rub off on me with too much exposure. Kind of like being out in the sun too long without protection would result in a sunburn.

As we walked down into the store I breathed a sigh of relief, the atmosphere around Tanya had become heavy and left me feeling slightly on edge.

"Hey Sheryl, how's the girl on girl action?" asked Calvin as we walked into the store.

"Well, I had a carpet last night that smelled a bit like kitty litter. It was the strangest thing, and on top of that, she kept meowing like a cat. I swear she may have been half cat." Calvin broke into a loud cackle that filled the store.

When we got ourselves situated we put in a movie and started to wait on customers. Calvin and I lived for the comments sections in our customers' accounts. They were meant to be used by the employees to help customers select movies from their favorite genres. But, we abused this section by adding comments that would instead label people with things like, "X hit man" for the guy that wore leather jackets and talked like Sonny Corleone from the Godfather. Or "closet beastiality lover" for the lady who always came in with her dog in her arms and would let it stick its tongue in her mouth when she asked it for kisses. These comments sections would invariably get us giggling as we read them when a customer would walk up to the counter. As a result we'd have a difficult time keeping a straight face, much to the confusion of the customer.

Tonight, a couple of our favorite regulars showed up. First came Ms. Dealy or as Calvin called her Ms. Dealycious. Ms. D always had on dark Jackie O sunglasses, even in the middle of the night. She kept her jet black hair pulled tightly back from her face and she wore form-fitting designer clothes. She would come in every Saturday night, with a new guy in tow, and she'd rent two porno movies. Tonight was no different, she had on an expensive looking leather jacket and tight designer jeans and a white silk t-shirt with a black bra visible underneath. The guy she had with her tonight looked to be about ten years her junior and followed obediently at her heels. All that was missing was his leash.

Ms. D approached the counter in her no-nonsense manner and grabbed Calvin. "Come on honey, help me pick out some sexy porn for tonight."

"Mmm, Ms. D, anything for you," he said making a clicking noise with his tongue and looking her up and down. Ms. D grabbed Calvin's arm and tucked it into hers leading him back to our porn section, leaving her escort for the evening at the counter intently studying his nails avoiding eye contact with me.

"So, what did she rent?" I asked, when Calvin finished up with Ms. D.

"I picked her some good ones tonight. One with all lesbian action and one with all kinds of sick shots. If that doesn't make her wet, then nothing will." Replied Calvin making a scandalized face.

"What's her deal anyway, is she a hooker or what?"

"Who cares, she's on Fi-yah," replied Calvin ignoring my question.

"Personally I think she's disgusting and I feel sorry for those men she drags in here, she's a cougar," said Sheryl.

"Lesbian, you're just jealous you can't have that steamy hot pussy of hers," said Calvin as I doubled over with laughter.

Just then Rick peeked his head out from the back, "What's going on here? Put away some of those videos," he said, looking at Calvin.

"Bite me loser, go back to your bathroom duties," sneered Calvin as Rick stomped away and we all cracked up.

A bit later big Ted came in. He was another regular renter and a great guy. Ted was a huge man with a big black burly beard. My guess would be that Ted was about 6'5" tall and weighed somewhere around three hundred pounds. He was one of the most intimidating men I'd ever seen but, beneath the scary exterior, he was a big teddy bear. He worked the night shift as a security guard for one of the apartment buildings in the area. Ted was obsessed with porn. It went without saying that most of our unique customers had a porn fetish. Ted would rent four porno's every night he worked, which made us wonder how often he was at his desk and how often he was in the bathroom. Or even worse, what he was doing behind his desk. He never tried to hide the boxes that he brought up. To him, it was normal and nothing to be embarrassed about. Ted had mentioned once that his dream was to direct a porno, so maybe all he was doing was studying up for the day that he'd make one of his own.

Ted ambled his way up to us and put his big meaty arms on top of the counter and leaned over. "Hey guys, what's shakin? Kevin, who's that cute little blond I saw drop you off today? Didn't I see her in Earth Girls are Sleazy?"

"HoHoHo, you're killing me Ted, good one!"

"Seriously, she's a cutey, who is she?"

"She's the coxswain of my boat. We're dating."

"Cox what? She likes Cock?"

"You know what I mean, screw you. Why don't you go get your porn and get your big ass out of here?"

"Ok, Ok. So, what's up with your crew team anyway? Are you guys any good?"

"Yeah, I actually think we can win Nationals. It's a great boat of guys."

"Hey, that's cool. At least there's a team in this city that's going to win something, those damn Eagles can't put a championship team together to save their lives. I'd love to come see a race, let me know when your next one is. Well, hey, I've got to head over to work, let me go pick out some Oscar quality movies before I head out." Ted ambled his way back to the porn room and tried to slap Sheryl on the butt as he passed her. I heard him make some comment about crossing over to the other team with him but didn't catch the rest.

It ended up being a slow night for rentals so we put on Blue Velvet. In hindsight, probably not the most appropriate movie to be playing in the store but, after all, this was center city. Blue Velvet tells the story of a picture perfect town that has a hidden dark side. In the beginning, there are camera shots of a blue sky and sprinklers watering perfect green lawns as a candy apple red fire truck passes by. Then, the scene shows the lead character walking through a field and bending over to pick up something. He finds someones severed ear wrapped in a dirty handkerchief and from there the story of corruption and perverseness begins.

"Sometimes I feel like every one of us is fighting the same battle internally against our dark side," said Sheryl.

"Oh come on, give me a break, these people are fucked up," said Calvin.

"Maybe so, but I'm with Sheryl, we all have our internal battles that we fight. For example, I would have loved to go home with that tall brunette with the big boobs that came in here a while ago but I didn't because I don't want to do that to Tanya." At least that was what I was telling myself at the moment. I suddenly found myself thinking about the brunette. Damn, she had had that certain something that I really liked. Maybe it was the way she walked up to me and looked at me with such honesty, as she asked for a movie recommendation. Maybe it was the way she held herself, with such confidence. Or, maybe, it was just that she was about the hottest girl I'd seen in a very long time, Tanya included. Oh well, I shrugged it off. I'd never seen her in here before and would probably not see her again.

"Your lame attempt to compare your lusting libido and that little tryst with Tanya to people that are cutting off body parts, kidnapping and raping is weak," replied Calvin.

"Ok, ok, you have a small point there. Plus they're drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon and bragging about it, how realistic is that?"

"Well, how about Jeffrey Dahmer? He blended into society, but he was killing, eating parts of people and freezing the leftovers for later. That's what they're depicting in this movie. For all I know, you could be a secret serial killer, Kevin," interjected Sheryl leading us back to the point.

The conversation was taking a turn that was too deep for me at the moment, so I deftly changed the subject. "So, Calvin, how's my good buddy Steve? Did you kick him to the curb yet?"

"I don't see why you don't like Steve," said Sheryl. "I like him, plus he's gay and proud of it. That should count for something."

"No he's not, what makes you say that?" shot Calvin, giving Sheryl a look out of the corner of his eyes.

"Come on Calvin, I know he's your butt buddy, just admit it," I said trying to get some kind of reaction.

"I'm not going to justify that comment with an answer. Steve is a good guy and he doesn't deserve that. How would you like it if I started making statements like that about Tanya?"

"Like what, that I'm her butt buddy? Go for it, it just might be true," I said grinning.

"So is our little Kevin in love?" Asked Sheryl.

"Well, we've told each other that."

"Or in your case you were saying it to her but thinking of yourself," said Calvin.

"Oh Ho, funny guy! Truth be told I'm struggling with separating her from rowing. It's an all in one package deal. I feel like when I tell her that I love her, I'm saying that I love rowing and vice-versa. I don't know, it's hard to explain."

Sheryl looked at me with an understanding, "It kind of makes sense, you love rowing and here is this girl who's hot and comes into your life at exactly the right moment when you're on the verge of enjoying all kinds of success with rowing and for you she is the essence of rowing, the beauty of it and the challenge and the reward."

"Well put. Plus, the sex is great too."

"Maybe a bit too good. I hear you two at night all the time, me thinks she doth cum too much, keep it down next time, will you?"

"Hey, what can I say, she likes what I do to her."

"Yeah? Let me get ahold of that hot little blond and she won't remember what a guy is when I get done with her," said Sheryl laughing.

"Only if I can join in," I replied laughing and choking in surprise at the same time.

"Hey, let's close up. Want to come back to my place for some drinks? I have some great new indie bands that I'm listening to that I think you'll like."

Calvin and I looked at each other and shrugged, "Sure, sounds good."

Sheryl lived near the top floor in a studio apartment with an amazing view of the city a few blocks from the video store. It was a great night to look out at the city lights on her balcony. We sat there drinking and talking about love and life until almost dawn. When Sheryl started to nod off, Calvin and I left, walking home in the early morning light. I had practice in an hour and was not looking forward to it or all the questions about where I'd been from Tanya. I could hear her now, "Where were you? You need your sleep for practice. I was so worried, I kept trying to call you. I even called the local hospitals thinking that you were hurt. You have to be more responsible and respect me and this relationship more." And on and on.

Chapter 18 – The Stroke

I didn't like our stroke rower, Ken. There was no real particular reason, at least none that I was yet aware of. In fact, he was a nice guy, always polite and easy to talk to. He wasn't the strongest rower. That distinction belonged to Jason and I. I think, what I didn't like the most was that he was the best rower in our boat technically, which is why he was the stroke, but upon further reflection this didn't matter either. I think what it was that being the stroke, he got to spend practices rowing while facing Tanya in her tight crew outfit and no guy in their right mind wouldn't be more than a little distracted by this. I deliberately picked fights with Tanya about Ken and why she was always correcting me in the boat but not Ken, just to see what she'd say about him. The fact that on more than one occasion she'd said he was a great looking guy didn't help boost my confidence. Though, knowing Tanya, this was meant simply as a statement of fact and nothing more.

One weekend when Tanya wasn't around, Jason and I invited Ken out for a guys night at the local pub. Calvin decided to join us at the last minute and we all headed out to the bar together. It was raining out, so we jogged there. The bar was crowded and steamy from all of the built up body heat and dampness outside. As we made our way to the bar, our shoes stuck to the floor from all of the beer that had been carelessly spilled. This was my favorite part of crowded bars and parties, pushing through the crowd. I would always try to find the path with the most girls crowded between me and my destination and that would be the path that I'd take, squeezing up against the girls and taking in their scents as I went. Tonight was no different. I found a group of hot girls standing together and pushed right between them. As I pressed close to a tall brunette, I suddenly recognized her from the video store. She'd been the one I had been admiring when we were discussing the movie Blue Velvet. I looked into her eyes and saw she was smiling at me in recognition. Glancing quickly away, I gave her a quick nervous smile back and kept going, cataloging her in my mind as someone I'd have to try and find later, once I had a few beers in me.

I looked behind me and saw that Jason and Ken had taken a different path but Calvin had followed me. Once we all got some drinks we re-grouped in the center of the bar. I looked in Ken's hand and noticed he had what looked like coke when all the rest of us had beers. "Hey, what's that, rum and coke?"

"Nah, just coke, I don't drink much, I don't like the feeling." Ok, now I had a problem with the guy. He was good looking, the best rower in our boat, clean cut and he didn't drink? What the hell else wasn't wrong with him? I noticed Jason snort and cover it by taking a swig of beer. It was hard to talk with all of the noise in the place so we just stood around, occasionally yelling at one another but mostly just looking around at the eye candy. I still had my eye on the brunette, who, I noticed, was also keeping her eye on me.

I nudged Jason jerking my head in her direction, "Yo man, see anyone you like? I'm going with the tall brunette."

"Whatever you say stud. I'll take the short brunette next to her."

"Want to go break up their little group?"

"Let's give it another half hour then you lead and I'll follow."

Just then the night took a terrible turn for the worse because in walked our good buddy Steve. I saw him walk in the door looking around like he expected to see someone here and as soon as he spotted us, he headed our way.

"You fuck, you invited Steve didn't you?" I hissed into Calvin's ear. Calvin just shrugged and turned to greet Steve.

"Hey buds, how's it going?" Steve stuck his hand out to shake hands with all of us. "So who's your friend?" he asked, looking Ken up and down from head to toe, lingering on his belt. Calvin introduced Steve and Ken as Jason and I rolled our eyes. Steve immediately started lying to Ken about his success as a rower, to which Ken showed a genuine interest.

"Hey Ken, can I get you another coke? You look like you need a good stiff drink." Jason and I laughed as we headed to the bar again. As we walked away I leaned over to tell Calvin that we were headed for the girls over in the corner and not to expect us back. Calvin mumbled something and I took note of a strangely jealous look on his face as he stared intently at Steve. I looked from Calvin to Steve, noticing that Steve seemed very intent on impressing Ken.

Jason and I each grabbed another beer at the bar. I was feeling good and I knew Jason was as well as squeezed our way over to the girls. I kept trying to think of good opening lines but my mind was a blank. Damn, I thought, I'm going to go over there, smile at her and have nothing to say. I saw the tall brunette lean her head toward her friends as we made eye contact, whispering something to them. Just as we got close enough to say "Hi", another pair of guys made their way over to them. The brunette looked quickly over at me shrugging her shoulders ever so slightly as the guys started to introduce themselves. They all shook hands and smiled and started to talk and laugh. Oh well, I shrugged at Jason, I guess it's not going to happen tonight.

We walked back towards the bar but I kept looking back at the brunette who kept quickly glancing up at me as she tried to pay polite attention to the guys that were talking to her and her friends. I felt a surge of excitement as we made quick eye contact again and again. Holy shit, I thought, this just might happen. Suddenly, she was making her way over to us with her friend in tow. My heart started to beat in time with her footfalls. What am I going to say to her? She's so hot. She's way out of my league. All of these thoughts were swirling around in my head as she approached.

"Listen," the brunette leaned into my ear and whispered lightly as she brushed up against me. I could feel her hot breath on my cheek as my blood pounded through my body, making me feel lightheaded. "I don't know these guys and I want to get rid of them. Pretend we're with you." She had a husky voice, which made my eyes water and she smelled clean and crisp like the ocean or a pine forest in the middle of Winter. When she spoke, a curl of hair fell over her face which she left hang there, making her even more seductive.

Without thinking, I grabbed her hand with both of my hands looking into her eyes and told her my name as I ran my hand softly up and down her soft forearm. "My name's Kevin and I want to make sure I get your phone number, no matter what happens."

She gave a throaty laugh and said, "I'm Izzy, and I'm glad to meet you Kevin. By the way, I really enjoyed "From Here to Eternity." Great recommendation." I had almost forgotten about that. Damn, this girl likes one of my all-time favorite movies. Was I dreaming, I wondered. Looking away, I noticed the guys that had been working Izzy and her friend giving me the hairy eyeball, but it didn't matter, they had lost. Jason was already deep in conversation with Izzy's friend in the corner as I grabbed Izzy and led her to a place where we could talk without yelling.

I learned that Izzy was an art student at Moore College of Art and lived right around the corner from our apartment. I told her about Tanya and she told me about her boyfriend of three years, Todd. I found out that she and Todd had stagnated and that she wanted to end things with him, but that they knew each other so well she was struggling to end it. She was afraid that ending it would be a mistake and she'd never find someone else that she was comfortable with.

"What's so great about feeling comfortable? Isn't that just another way of saying you're bored?"

"No, it just means that I'm happy with things as they are."

"But are you being challenged? Is there still passion? Fire?"

"That's not important to me right now. Once the passion is gone, what are you left with?"

Just then I felt a tapping on my shoulder and turned around to see Jason, "Yo, check it out." I looked in the direction he was nodding and saw Steve walking quickly out of the bar with Ken close behind. Ken had his head lowered with his coat collar up trying avoid anyone seeing him. "Oh shit, look at Calvin." Calvin was standing with his arms folded on his chest and tapping a foot looking like he was going to hurt someone.

I turned to Izzy, "Listen, I enjoyed talking with you tonight and I'd like to continue this soon. Right now I have to go take care of my friend."

"I understand and I completely agree. I like you and had fun with you tonight, let's do this again." As she spoke I looked into her gorgeous blue eyes and briefly lost myself. What the hell, Calvin could deal with his issues on his own. I was interrupted by reality as Izzy knocked her phone number into my phone.

Jason and I headed over to Calvin, "Hey, what's going on, why'd Steve and Ken leave? It looked like they were leaving together?"

"Well," sneered Calvin, "it seems your stroke is gay, or at least bisexual, which, by the way, in case you're still wondering, Steve is, and they had a mutual attraction to each other."

"NO, Steve, gay! I never would have guessed it. What with him practically skipping around and flitting everywhere."

"Ha, you're a funny guy Kevin, you crack me up."

"Dude, did you just say Ken is gay?" choked Jason finally catching on. We'd had quite a few beers and Jason was not quite up to speed with us.

"Yeah, as the day is bright. He was actually the initiator, coming onto Steve. He practically offered to blow him in the restroom," spat Calvin, obviously fuming, which I still couldn't quite figure out. Maybe he was mad because his male obsession of the moment had ditched him. But, in the end what did it really matter, wasn't Ken allowed to fool around? I pushed the thoughts that started to surface out of my head.

Jason started to crack up. He laughed so hard that tears ran down his face. Calvin just stood there with a disgusted look on his face. I was having a hard time comprehending and at the same time I was strangely relieved. I guess Ken never was a threat sitting in the stroke seat facing Tanya. He would have preferred to have been sitting facing the guys. I couldn't wait to see Tanya and tell her the news.

We got back to our apartment pretty early so Jason and I decided to have some more to drink. Calvin joined us, although his heart wasn't in it. He was acting as if a girl had just broken up with him, all sulky and quiet, just staring straight ahead or into his beer. Finally Calvin got up, "I'm going for a walk." And with that he left the apartment.

Jason and I looked at each other in understanding. This was the moment we'd been waiting for. Calvin had a habit of "taking walks" whenever he got drunk and we had been waiting for an opportunity to follow him in hopes of finding out where he really went.

Jason and I waited and then followed Calvin quietly out the door following him at a distance taking care to be stealthy, or so we thought. We hid behind trees and mailboxes all the way, trying to stifle our giggling at how sneaky we were and the excitement of finally finding out where Calvin's late night walks led.

We'd gone about a quarter mile when suddenly we lost track of Calvin. We looked right, left and in front and didn't see any trace of him. Where the hell did he go? There was nothing around us, no bars, no clubs or even apartment buildings, he'd just disappeared. We walked a few more blocks and didn't see any trace of Calvin. We decided to turn back and as we swung around out jumped Calvin from behind a tree.

"Fuck you losers, what do you think you're doing?"

"What, we're just out for a walk." Jason and I looked at each other like it was normal for us to be there at the time.

"I could hear you guys from a block away; did you think you were being sneaky?"

"Ok, you caught us; we just wanted to see where you went on your freaky walks in the middle of the night."

"Like I told you, I walk to blow off steam and burn off the alcohol, nothing more, nothing less." And with that Calvin headed back to our place with us following.

The next day at practice, I grabbed Tanya before we got out on the river and told her what had happened. Her reaction took me by surprise. She confessed that she'd known about Ken and when I began to mock him she gave me a stern look and let me know that I'd better drop it, or else. I walked away pissed off, all I wanted to do was joke a little about someone in our boat being gay and she reprimanded me as if I was a child. Come to think of it, she did treat me a bit like a child in general. When I wanted to be a lazy slob, she cleaned up after me, she insisted on cooking for me, she told me how I should be more responsible. I was slowly beginning to realize the patronization was endless.

As we got ready for practice I noticed that Ken avoided looking at, or talking to Jason and I, which kind of hurt, since we hadn't done anything to him to deserve that treatment. After we got the boat on the water and were in the process of getting our oars, I took note of Ken talking quietly to one of the other guys in our boat and looking over at Jason and me. I decided not to be paranoid and climbed into the boat for practice.

Practice went as usual, with Tanya yelling at me to concentrate and coach working us so hard that I could barely grip the oar by the end of practice. Once the boat was back in the house, Jason and I were the first out of the house. There was an uncomfortable cloud hanging around our boat, that I attributed to Ken and we just wanted to get out of there. Walking out of the house, we ran into Steve trying to look casual as he leaned against a tree.

"Hey guys, what's happening? How about that Ken, he's such a great guy, isn't he?"

"Yeah, whatever, fuck off Steve," I said and tried to walk around him.

But he blocked my path and with a sleazy smirk he said, "I just wanted you to know that he blew me. Tell Calvin for me, will you?"

I felt my blood boil and my body start to shake with a sudden blinding rage. Before Jason or Tanya, who I heard running up from behind, could stop me I had cocked my fist back and let it fly at Steve's face. I felt the crack of my knuckles against the bone of his jaw and a micro second later heard the solid thwack of my fist at it met his skin. Steve seemed to crumple to the ground in slow motion, as I felt Tanya jump on my shoulders to keep me from hitting him again.

"Kevin, come on, you have to get out of here!" she screamed grabbing me and dragging me to her car. I could hear Jason chuckling in the background and looked back to see Steve trying to sit up and shaking his head attempting to recover his bearings.

Shaking with rage, I continued to yell, "I'm going to track you down and fuck you up mother fucker!" I tried to get back at him. "I'm going to finish the job and rid the world of you, you waste of flesh!" It took Tanya and Jason both trying to talk some reason into me to calm me down to a point where I was coherent.

As I calmed down, I thought about it and wasn't quite sure what set me off. It seemed to be a combination of pent up hate of Steve, frustration with knowing Calvin wasn't being honest with me, anger at Steve for screwing with someone in my boat and screwing with Calvin. Whatever the reason, the outcome was one we'd all wanted for years; we never saw or heard from Steve again.

Soon after the incident with Steve, without saying anything, Calvin stopped staying in our place. All of his things were still there and he came by from time to time to get something, but for the most part his was an invisible roommate. Maybe he didn't feel comfortable with what had happened with Steve and Ken. Maybe he was mad at me for hitting Steve and effectively chasing him from our lives; I never gave him the message that Steve had wanted me to deliver. Maybe he got tired of the bullshit Jason and I put him through like dropping rolls of toilet paper "accidentally" into the toilet when we came home late. When a full roll of toilet paper is dropped into a toilet it expands to fill the entire bowl and it's not fun to fish it out in the morning when you have to relieve yourself. Ninety-nine percent of the time Calvin was the first to rise and was the one who had to fish it out. Maybe Calvin just needed a break from the sweaty rowing clothes hanging on every door and lamp. Or maybe, it was Tanya pretty much living with us, or Becky, who was spending a lot of time at our place. Whatever the reason, we didn't see much of Calvin for a while. I still saw him at work but he was distant and distracted, not wanting to get into any deep conversations. We still enjoyed our nights at the store when the traffic was light but we were always careful to skirt the subject of Steve and Ken or anything that had happened. Or why and where he was currently living.

Chapter 19 – The 4th

It was now July and the heat was worse than oppressive. When you walked outside, the heat would hit you like a brick wall, briefly taking your breath away. At night, I'd lay in bed in a pool of sweat, just staring at the ceiling after having sex with Tanya and attempt to will myself to sleep, with very little success. I tried warm milk, a glass of wine, meditation, even counting sheep, but nothing worked. I'd lay there just thinking of the races, Tanya and my newfound interest in Izzy and what it all really meant to me. I'd lay on my side, keep my eyes closed; midnight, turn over, 1am, lay on my back, elbow Tanya, "Hey, you awake?"

"Umph, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I can't sleep."

"Just relax, stop worrying about it, you'll fall asleep."

2am. Ok, now I'm panicking. What's wrong with me? I'm tired and I'm never going to get to sleep. I'm going to have to go to practice with no sleep at all. What's the point now, maybe I should just go watch TV or read. 3am. Ok, this is it, I'm going to sleep, ahh sweet sleep, jerk awake, damn. 3:30am. This is ridiculous! Why can't I go to sleep!? How can I possibly just lay here for all of this time and not sleep? 5am. What the hell is that noise, still asleep, Tanya shoving me, "Come on Kevin, get up, we have practice." Oh my God, how can I go to practice and be effective with only a couple hours of sleep.

We had a big race coming up on the 4th of July weekend but coach wouldn't let up on us. The plan was for us to work out full throttle straight through the race because, although this race would be a big test for us to see how strong we were, it wasn't Nationals.

The Wednesday before the 4th of July race coach had us out in Manayunk running hills. The hills in Manayunk aren't long but they are very steep and at a grade of 15% or more, three quarters of a mile going uphill seems like an eternity.

A favorite hill of coach's was Levering Street, also known as the "Manayunk Wall". Coach had us all line up like the start of a race, "All right girls, I want 4 up and down as fast as you can. This is a race so I don't want anyone letting up. If anyone lets up, we keep running! SET, GO!"

I started off trying to pace myself. It was only 6am but it was already humid and hard to get in a full breath of air. By the time I was halfway up the hill, I was struggling and almost in last place. I couldn't get in enough air and my mind was swirling from the pain and the heat. Sweat was pouring off my nose like it was the waterfall at the end of a small river. I strained to see where Jason was and saw him cresting the top of the hill and starting to come back down. As he passed me on his way down he yelled, "Come on pussy, pick it up!"

I made it to the top and turned to head back down trying to catch my breath. On my way down I took long strides and passed a couple of the guys. At the bottom, I turned around to head back up and as soon as I'd taken a few steps my breath started coming in rasps again and I felt like I was going to get sick. I couldn't breathe and felt light headed. "Come on Kevin," I heard coach yell, "pick it up, fat boy!"

"Fuck you, asshole," I muttered under my breath as I moved my feet as fast as they would go. I started to make up some ground on some of the other guys, but as I looked up I saw that Jason was still far ahead and cresting the hill for a second time.

On my second trip down the hill I started to wonder why I was putting my body through this, what was the point? I didn't need this crap. I could just walk past coach at the bottom of the hill, give him the finger and walk away. When I got to the bottom and started back up, coach gave me a quick slap on my back and said, "Keep it up, you're making up ground on them." He knew that the "them" was just Jason. He was the only one I wanted to beat. I got a second wind and powered up the hill for a third time. This time when I finally allowed myself to look for Jason I saw him not more than 30 yards ahead of me, cresting the hill. He had his head down and was obviously hurting. As he passed me on the way down he looked at me but this time offered no encouragement.

I quickly crested the hill and headed back down with huge steps in an attempt to catch Jason. My thighs were starting to cramp and with each footfall I could feel the muscle tighten more. I shook it off with the thought of only one more time up the hill from hell.

When I got to the bottom, I quickly started to drive my leaden legs up the hills. Each time my foot hit the pavement caused an excruciating pain to shoot up the entire leg as my muscles started to cramp from the heat and loss of fluids. I started to feel a pain in my chest and felt like I wanted to cough. I looked up and saw Jason ten yards in front of me and picked up the pace. He knew it was me coming because as I picked up the pace, without looking around, so did he, just enough to keep the 10 yard gap. As we neared the halfway point both of us were spent, his chin was hitting his chest and I could hear his breathing in time with mine. His sweat was spraying off his face and pelting me as I trailed behind him. We neared the top and I knew he had me, he still had the 10 yard lead. He slowed just a fraction and I made my way up to him just as he bent over convulsing with muscle spasms, throwing up all over the road. I rested my hands on my knees and started to cough. The cough caused a metallic flavor to enter my mouth, it tasted like I'd just eaten a zinc lozenge or drank a glass of blood. Out of concern I quickly turned my palm over looking for blood but saw none and shrugged my shoulder thinking nothing else of it.

When Jason was done puking I walked up to him and put my arm on his shoulder, "good job, I couldn't make up those last ten yards on you."

"Dude, I knew it was you, you weren't going to catch me." Jason suddenly turned his nose up at me and sniffed. "You smell like metal, what's up with that?"

"I don't know, my mouth tastes like metal too. I thought maybe I had some kind of internal bleeding but don't see any blood. I'm guessing it's just from the strain, maybe I burst some blood vessels or something."

"Ok ironman, whatever you say."

Coach took it fairly easy on us once we got on the water, having us do a lot of technical drills but nothing with any amount of pressure. Regardless, I couldn't seem to stop sweating and at one point was so thirsty that I dipped my hand into the Schuylkill and took a big swig of murky water in an attempt to quench my thirst.

Once we got back from practice I sat down and couldn't seem to cool off in the steaming sweat box that was our apartment. My heart felt like it was going to beat a hole through my chest it was pounding so hard and fast. I couldn't sit still and was sweating a pool on the couch so I told Jason that I was going to head home to my parents in an attempt to relax and cool off.

No one was home and no air was on, so it was almost as stuffy as our apartment. I went around turning on fans and opening windows in an attempt to start a breeze flowing. As I walked around the house, I could hear my footfalls on the cold hard floors echo off the bare walls. I looked at the walls and the immaculate tables and wondered why there were no pictures anywhere. The house had a few strategically placed paintings by some artist that my parents followed but other than that, there were no pictures of our family.

I walked into their bedroom. Damn a fully made bed with bed pillows and not any sign that anyone actually slept in the bed. Were these really my parents? Everything had its place and everything was in its place. I wandered into the pantry still dripping with sweat and looked at all of the food lined up by category and age, not a box or can out of place. Ahh, sweet cereal I thought, staring longingly at a full box of Honey Bunches of Oats with my stomach growling like a mountain lion eyeing up a deer, how I longed for something sugary and satisfying to eat.

I went to sit under the ceiling fan in the family room. I found a nice hard spot on one of the rock hard couches and sat down, longing for a soft pillow to sink my head into. I continued to sweat and soon there was a big wet spot under me on the couch. I couldn't sit still and the cereal seemed to be calling me from the pantry, "Come get me. Eat me." My stomach rumbled to the point where it hurt. What the hell I thought, I'll just grab a handful. I went and retrieved the box of Honey Bunches of Oats and dipped my hand in. Ahh, heavenly sugar, it made my mouth water and tasted so good. Just one more handful I thought and reached in for another and another. I couldn't seem to satisfy my hunger, with each handful I seemed to become even hungrier. I dropped crumbs down my shirt that stuck to the sweat. I was like the Cookie Monster devouring chocolate chip cookies and before I knew it I was staring at the bottom of the box.

Now that I had satisfied my urge I started to realize what I had done and the panic caused new cold beads of sweat to form on top of the ones caused by the heat. Shit, I had weigh in this weekend and here I was eating an entire box of cereal. I'll never make the weigh in carrying an entire box of cereal weight, I have to get it out of me, what to do, what to do...I know, I could puke, that would work. I tried to stick my fingers down my throat but only managed to gag and get some gooey saliva on my finger. I tried again, and once again nothing. Then I remembered something from when I was young, my parents kept Ipecac in their medicine cabinet just in case of accidental poisoning.

I pushed the Valium, Viagra and other lifestyle drugs aside looking for the Ipecac and there it was, still unopened. My hand shook slightly as I took double the recommended dose. I sat sweating on a bench near the marble bathroom with my hands clasped between my knees as my leg jumped up and down from nervousness. What was I doing I wondered. I must have some kind of eating disorder. What was the point, glory, acceptance, self-fulfillment, or self-flagellation? I thought about the possibility that I was taking years off my life and wondered, if it could really be true? Would anyone really care what I'd accomplished? Did it matter if they did? Was it that important to me?

After about twenty minutes, I decided that nothing was going to happen and I stood up to leave. As I stood up my stomach lurched and I broke out in a different cold sweat. One that told me along with the tickling in my stomach that I was going to be sick. I lunged for the cold marble of the bathroom as I clutched the icy porcelain of the toilet and buried my head in the bowl. The box of cereal from earlier left my body as did all other food or liquid that I'd taken in in the last twenty four hours.

When I was done heaving, I washed my face in cold water and brushed my teeth. I leaned in towards the mirror and examined the dark circles around my eyes and the new lines in my forehead and wondered at who this person was looking back at me. My eyes that used to be blue had turned a steely grey, my cheekbones were more pronounced and my jaw line shown more than it used to. Fuck it, this was important to me so it was worth it. I was satisfied, my stomach was empty and I was now sure that I'd make weight for the race.

I made my way over to my parents bed and collapsed in exhaustion. I took a fitful nap and woke finally cooled off and free from sweat. I decided to call Izzy.

"Hey, what's up?" she asked sounding surprised to hear from me.

"I'm at my parents. After practice this morning I couldn't stop sweating and my heart was beating like a runaway freight train. I just needed to get away for a bit to attempt to calm down and cool off."

"That doesn't sound too good. Have you eaten or drank anything?"

"Well, yeah, kind of," and I sheepishly explained the Ipecac episode to her.

"You're crazy, why would you do that?"

"I have to make weight this weekend. I was starving so I thought I'd just eat a little but ended up gorging myself."

"Well, it sounds like you're dehydrated and probably have a bit of heat stroke, not to mention you most likely are developing an eating disorder. You need to drink and then eat something, this time take it easy on the puking though." She joked but there was an edge of concern in her voice. Since we'd met at the bar we'd been talking regularly whenever our significant others weren't around to question us about it. Izzy was always reminding me to stop and smell the roses. It was her way of telling me that I wasn't enjoying the trip but always shooting for some goal in the future.

"I hope it's all worth it Kevin. This obsession of yours. I haven't known you for long but you don't even seem to be happy doing what you're doing. I certainly don't understand what this is all about, but if you say it's worth it I'll believe you."

"Hey, why don't you come see the race this weekend? Then you can see for yourself."

"Hmm, I'll have to think about that."

"Please, I'd love to see you there, it would make me row harder." At this she laughed.

"Ok, if it means that much to you let me see if I can get away."

"Ok, I'll look for you," I said and Izzy laughed again at my quick assumption.

"Please take care of yourself ok, no more craziness?"

"Ok," I said and hung up.

I looked at the perfect bed in the perfect room with the perfect blanket that now had a dark sweat stain in the middle. I walked out to head back to the city and thought that my parents wouldn't notice, it was just a decorative blanket anyway.

On the day of the race, Jason and I ran to the boathouse for morning weigh in. We both made weight without a problem and headed to the local grease joint for a big breakfast to refuel with our boat. The anticipation was high, this would be an opportunity for our boat to show how far we'd come and that we were a force to be reckoned with. Tanya joined us for breakfast and sat next to me pushing up against me more than she needed to, making me feel uncomfortable with the guys all sitting around us. Ken didn't join us for breakfast making some excuse about needing to use the time to study for something or other. It was just as well, his presence would have made it uncomfortable anyway.

Race time. We got the boat into the water, locked the oars into the locks and climbed in. The sun was shining and we were Gods as we rowed away from the house with coach's advice running through our minds. "Row a smart race. If you're ahead don't pull too far ahead. We don't want any of these boats knowing what they're up against for Nationals. I want you to ease off once you have a commanding lead and cruise through the finish line. Winning is all that's important, we don't need to embarrass anyone yet."

At the start line we all sat ready with Tanya whispering last minute instructions into the cox box. At the sound of the start we rowed at a high stroke rate, smoothly pulling away from the starting line. Once we settled, we peeked around at the competition and noticed that we were already rowing away from the other boats.

"Ok, like coach said, ease off a bit and let's just keep this rate, we're pulling away and don't need to waste any more energy," called out Tanya.

"Screw that!" Jason and I yelled together, "let's kick some ass, bring up the pressure!" At once we felt the entire boat increase the pressure, ignoring the protests coming from Tanya. By the midway point we already had open water on our closest competition. We were all feeling the exhilaration of the race and winning, we didn't want to let up. Even Tanya got into it and started calling off power tens, laughing with glee as she did.

We cruised across the finish line with multiple boat lengths of open water on all of the competition. As per tradition, we as the winning crew got our choice of the losing crews jerseys, so we waited for Potomac Boat Club to finish and demanded their jerseys. They just shook their heads and halfheartedly congratulated us as they rowed away, without shirts on as we turned the boat around to the finish line dock to collect our medals. The only disappointment about the race was that the national team boat hadn't been there. We'd have to wait for Nationals to race against them again.

As we got out of the boat to receive our medals I caught coach shaking his head and trying to hide a smile. I scanned the crowd and found Izzy, making my heart surge with excitement. I held her eyes as she clapped, smiling at me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tanya looking from me to Izzy with a scowl on her face. She fixed a glare at me forcing me to turn away from Izzy. I sheepishly looked at my feet as we had the medals put around our necks.

It was time for us to toss Tanya into the water and it seemed like we launched her so high and far that she would get hurt. I found myself briefly wondering if she got hurt, would I start dating Izzy? Before I could decide how I felt about the possibility, Tanya popped her head out, spitting water out of her mouth and laughing.

Walking out of the boathouse, Tanya wrapped her arm around me possessively turning left and right as if looking for someone. "Come on Kevin, we're going to the shore for the holiday weekend."

"Cool, I'm down for that, can I pack first?" asked Jason.

"Not this time. Kevin and I need some down time, alone. I'd like to have you out to our house though, so next time."

"Oh great," I thought. I wasn't in the mood for some long, drawn out, let's get in touch with our feelings discussion with Tanya. I wanted to celebrate, eat, drink and just bask in our victory for a while. Tanya had a knack for putting pressure on me to try to get in touch with my inner feelings. She would push and push until I'd finally give in and make something up to satisfy her. I knew I was in for one of those times this holiday weekend and my mind started trying to come up with stories of who Izzy was and why I thought I needed a friend like her, or, better yet, how I could deny knowing her completely. I knew that in Tanya's mind she was the only woman I should need in my life and Izzy was an encroacher. I was going to have to do some fast talking to get out of this without too much undue stress.

Chapter 20 – Surfer Dudes and Showers

It was a quiet drive to the beach, with me just looking out the window and Tanya deciding not to broach the subject of who the girl at the finish line was yet. When I wasn't looking out the window, I admired Tanya's breasts and how the seatbelt stretched the fabric tight across them and thought about how I'd like to get the coming discussion over with and head to the bedroom.

Tanya's parents owned a big house right on the ocean. It had a huge deck looking out onto the beach. When we arrived, no one was around so we put our things away and settled onto the couch.

"I don't even want to know who that girl was at the finish line Kevin. I just want you to know that I love you and that you're mine and no one else's. Do you understand?"

Tanya's approach took me by surprise but I nodded my agreement, with a dumb look on my face. "Aren't you going to say anything?" she asked.

"Umm, yes, I understand."

"Uhh, no not that, I just told you that I loved you."

"Oh right that, I love you too." Tanya took me by the hand and led me to her parents huge marble bathroom with a big glass enclosed shower that had 3 shower heads in it. One each on opposite walls and one in the center on the ceiling.

Tanya looked at me playfully and started to take off her shirt. "Aren't you going to join me?"

I was standing there, staring at her perfect body with my mouth half open, but as soon as she invited me, my clothes were off before she had even finished unbuttoning her shirt.

Before we climbed into the shower, Tanya reached into her jeans and pulled out the little round compact that contained her precious diaphragm.

"Here, Kevin, help me put it in this time," she said handing me the compact. I turned it over gingerly, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do with the thing.

"It's easy, we can use it as foreplay. You can do it, you have great hands, just be soft." She was killing the moment for me. I suddenly found myself wanting out of this situation, but was at a loss for a graceful exit so I obeyed Tanya. I had begun to hate that diaphragm and how much importance Tanya placed on it. She'd act like she was doing me some kind of favor. Whoa boy! I didn't have to wear any protection, she was taking care of it! Now this foreplay ploy to get me to put it in for her was her little way of showing me that I was subservient to her. This was the last straw. As I took the case from her I squeezed it tightly as if to break it before finally opening it and doing what I was asked.

"Wash my hair for me," said Tanya leaning her head back and handing me the shampoo once we got in the shower. I massaged her head running my fingers through her blond hair. I could hear her low moans in my ear as my body quivered and I pressed myself into her.

"I'm going to run out to pick something up for dinner," said Tanya drying her hair with nothing on. Watching her, I could feel myself getting excited again. Tanya noticed too, "Umm, look at my eager little boy."

"Yeah, uhh, you don't want to be calling anything little, ok?" I said feeling the moment dissipate. "What are we doing for dinner anyway?"

"Oh, so sorry, Mr. Sensitive," she giggled, "I planned a lobster dinner out on the deck. We can enjoy the sunset and steam some lobsters. Sound good?"

"Sounds great! I've never had a whole steamed lobster before."

"I know, that's why we're doing it. I'm introducing you to new things. You're expanding your horizons," said Tanya as she finished pulling on her shorts.

"Oh God," I thought to myself and cringed. How cheesy can she be? But, I really wanted to try steamed lobster so I shrugged and figured I'd go along with it. I found myself wanting to call Izzy and ask her what she thought of my race and see what she was up to on the holiday weekend, so once Tanya was gone I figured I'd risk it.

"Hello," said Izzy in a sleepy voice.

"Hey, it's Kevin. I just wanted to say hi and see what you thought of my race."

"Oh, Kevin. I didn't expect to hear from you. Aren't you at the beach with Tanya?"

"Yeah, she ran out for a few minutes. Is this a bad time or something? Is your boyfriend there?"

"As a matter of fact, yes he is and no it's not a bad time just give me a minute to go into another room." I heard what sounded like a bed creak and what must have been Izzy's feet padding softly on the floor. "Ok, what's up? I figured you and Tanya would be well into makeup sex by now."

"Well, to tell you the truth..."

"Kevin, stop! I don't want to hear the truth, just like you don't want to hear that I was just in bed with Todd." I felt a pang of jealousy that felt like a hard steel ball at that, and gulped it back down into my stomach feeling it churn around before disappearing.

"So, what did you think of the race?" It was the first crew meet that Izzy had been to and I was excited to hear what she thought.

"I thought it was beautiful, the way you all moved together as one and seemed to glide effortlessly on top of the water. I see why you love the sport. It's a representation of what a team can achieve that a single entity can't. Together you all rowed better than I think any of you could row on your own. The one question I have is why was that guy on the bike screaming for you to take it easy? I thought the objective was to win."

I laughed, "That's our coach. He was yelling to ease up because we weren't supposed to win by so much. We'll see two of the boats we raced against again at Nationals. Now the word will get around that we're the team to gun for since we won by so much today."

"Kevin, I just want you to know that I am beginning to understand your obsession with rowing. But, I still worry about your weight issues. Please take care of yourself and don't do what you did last week again. You had me really worried. I don't want to lose you just when I've found you."

My heart beat faster, "Why don't we just ditch our significant others and go out?" I said this half joking but, really thinking that I might want this to happen.

"I can't, it's complicated."

"Oh, right. I forgot that you like security and the comfort of someone you know, you don't like the unexpected or uncontrollable do you."

"Kevin, don't ruin this, I'm really happy you called and I enjoyed your race. I'm thrilled that I had the opportunity to see you row and share in something that's so special to you."

"Ok, I think I just heard Tanya's car door anyway, so have a good holiday weekend and I'll call you when I get back."

And with that we hung up and I felt strangely empty as I heard Tanya call, "Honey, I'm back. Could you help me with the bags?"

We set out the table and chairs on the deck and lay the steamed lobsters out with glasses of wine and melted butter for dipping the lobster in. The sun was a bright orange fiery ball that was starting to set as we sat down to eat.

"What a beautiful night, don't you think so, honey?" Tanya asked me, smiling in between mouthfuls of the most succulent lobster I've ever had the pleasure of eating.

I looked at her over my glass of wine and wondered if I could get away with shoving a lobster claw down her throat and explaining to the police that she'd choked to death on it. Instead I answered her trying to sound cheery, "Sure, it's great." I was more interested in the lobster and wine than in commenting on the nice sunset. Although, I had to admit, it was nice sitting out on the deck with the ocean crashing in the background and the light breeze blowing off the ocean bringing with it the fresh scent of life. I gazed out over the waves for a moment and thought about the vastness and how exciting it would be to just set sail with no real destination. I found my mind drifting to thoughts of Izzy and how much I'd like to spend endless days and nights getting to know just her without distractions.

Tanya interrupted my thoughts, "You know that I always wanted a sail boat. I'd play some smooth jazz and just sail out over the open waves feeling the cool breeze and basking in the sun all day."

"Uhh, you have butter dripping down your chin," I interrupted Tanya in mid-dream before she totally ruined the picture for me.

"Be a gentleman and wipe it off for me please." I reached over and wiped it with my napkin. Tanya smiled. She'd gotten what she wanted which was me and now she had her way, me doing what she wanted and supposedly learning to be a better person.

I finished my lobster, leaving nothing but an empty carcass on my plate. I grabbed my wine glass and eased myself back into the chair, slowly closed my eyes and listened to the waves crashing on the beach. I thought about the race and how it felt to win the way we'd won. I didn't care that coach said we'd ruined any kind of surprise we might have had, it felt good to win so resoundingly and I thought it was better for the boat to feel a bit cocky. I thought about Izzy and how happy I was that she had shown up. To me it said a lot about how she felt even though neither of us was ready to admit anything. Now, if only I could get her to think about ending it with Todd. I was beginning to understand what was going on inside Izzy's head. She didn't like change and I represented change to her. She was content to stay with something comfortable even though the relationship had died a long time ago, just to avoid change.

I started thinking about when I was a kid and my family vacationed at the beach. I remembered playing in the sand with my Dad. He'd let me bury him in the sand and it cracked me up to see him in the sand up to his neck pretending not to be able to move. We'd dig in the sand down by the water and when the waves came in we'd catch the sand crabs as they tried to scurry back into their holes. We'd sit on the beach, side by side, just where the waves would crash and knock us both sideways, laughing. They were special times, they were free from worry or the stress to be anything other than what I was, a happy child. I took a deep breath and sighed, that's why I dreamed of sailing away, away from worries and stress and responsibility.

"Kevin, did you hear me?"

"Excuse me?" I started from my dreaming to find Tanya looking at me intently.

"I said, Jamie's having a party tonight and we're going." Jamie was a surfer and years ago in high school Tanya had spent a Summer of "love" with him surfing and hanging out on the beach.

"Yeah, no I don't feel like it, you go without me."

"I'm not leaving you here alone, you are coming. It's not up for debate."

"Ok, like gnarly bra, let me grab my board first. Let's go to the cool surfer party and catch some cool waves or whatever."

Tanya glared at me, "I don't need any of your attitude tonight, these are my friends and we're going to have fun. The last thing I need is you acting like an asshole, ok?"

I heaved a huge sigh, "Ok, just let me get a bit more drunk before we head out then or I'm not going to be able to handle the coolness of all of your surfer friends. Hang for another ten ok?" Tanya glared again but didn't say anything.

Jamie had a ranch house on the other side of the bay that he shared with a bunch of his friends. It was perfect for them, it was a house built for partying, surrounded by New Jersey scrub pine and secluded. In back they'd built a big half pipe for skating. When we got there, the party was in full swing with the surf music blaring from outdoor speakers and a bunch of tanned guys and scantily clad girls milling around with drinks in their hands. Well maybe this wasn't so bad, I thought.

We walked around back and Tanya spotted Jamie on the half pipe getting ready to take a run. Jamie spotted us and gave a quick wave before he took his turn. As we watched Tanya squeezed my arm, "Isn't he great, just look at how easy he makes it look."

"Yeah, whatever. Where's the alcohol?" I asked, craning my neck to see where everyone was getting their drinks. When his run was done, Jamie walked over and gave Tanya a huge hug and kiss and casually shook my hand, the whole time looking at Tanya. While the two of them lost themselves in conversation, catching up with one another, I wandered off in search of something to drink.

I finally found the keg and filled up the biggest cup I could find, which just so happened to be about what I could drink in one gulp so I decided to hang by the keg for a while to keep refilling. Hanging by the keg is kind of like hanging by the copier or water cooler at work. You get the opportunity to listen to everyone's conversation. What I started to realize was that, as a subculture, these surfers were not much different than rowers. One main difference was that rowing was more of an organized team sport and typically associated with college. Surfing was more about freedom and being one with nature. What the sports did have in common was that, like surfers, who would travel from beach to beach in search of good waves, sleeping on friends floors or wherever they could find a place, rowers would go from city to city searching for the right team and the right water to row on, also sleeping wherever they could find a place. Rowers and surfers both challenged their bodies to the extreme both physically and mentally. Also, a surfer, like a rower, had to be on top of his game to have a good day. If not, the results could be disastrous.

I also noticed that all surfers had similar styles in dress, the same style that rowers tended to adopt themselves. The style being a well thought out, unkempt look. I could tell from conversations that I overheard as I was guzzling my beer that surfers loved their sport more than anything. They talked about their boards, the waves, the water and ways they could improve the cleanliness of the water. They compared the waves in California to New Jersey, if you could call them waves in New Jersey. The fortunate ones were even able to discuss the waves in Hawaii and South America.

I learned that everyone knew everyone else and where they'd been during the Winter. Everyone hugged each other in greeting and expressed genuine interest in how they'd been and what they'd been up to. With this, I suddenly felt lonely. Every once in a while, one of them would catch my eyes and give a slight nod, but I didn't know anyone. As I swilled my beer I started to feel an anger build at Tanya for dragging me to her ex-boyfriends party and then leaving me to fend for myself.

Here I was, on a holiday weekend, wanting to celebrate a great race with friends, or at least with someone, and I was standing by a keg at a party where I didn't know anyone while my girlfriend was off doing who knows what. Where the fuck was she anyway, I wondered to myself. I refilled my cup one last time and went stumbling around looking for her, starting to feel a rage growing down in my belly.

The music was pounding and I could heard the steady drone of the skateboards as they ran up and down the half pipe. Every now and then there were whoops coming from the half pipe, I assumed in response to a good run or something. I swung my head around in every direction trying to locate Tanya with no luck. As I was walking around in this manner, I ran into someone and my cup dumped out all over the ground. "Ahh, fuck."

"Hey, sorry about that man," said the guy.

"Don't worry about it," I managed to slur out, "hey, do you know where Jamie is?"

"Yah bra, he's over there behind the pipe with some barbie."

Sweat broke out on my forehead as my heart started to race. Goddamn it, I thought, I wasn't going to be ditched like this at some dumb ass party for some loser surfer. I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth as I headed over to where the guy had pointed.

I spotted Tanya standing next to Jamie in a circle of people talking. Jamie had his arm around Tanya and to me in my drunken and enraged state it looked like it was on her ass. I stormed over seeing Jamie and Tanya as if at the end of a long dark tunnel. There was no one else in the picture, just the two of them looking like they were together. As I approached, Tanya must have sensed me and turned around, smiling. When she realized that I wasn't looking at her but at Jamie with a murderous look she suddenly knew what was about to happen. "Kevin, no, it's not what you think! We're just friends!" It was too late, as Jamie turned around to see who Tanya was yelling at, I pounced. It didn't take long. I caught him by surprise and had him by the throat so tight that he stood on his tiptoes in an attempt to alleviate the pressure that I was applying.

The rage was so blinding that I didn't even think about the fact that I might crush his larynx. In fact, in my state, I blindly thought that it was a good idea to do just that, so I squeezed harder. Jamie had a look of surprise and terror on his face and stood rigid trying not to tempt me to apply more pressure. Tanya jumped on my back but I shook her off. At that point, I was tackled by two big bodies and my face was ground into the dirt as they pinned me to the ground. Tanya was screaming and crying at the same time, calling me an asshole and at the same time telling them to let me up.

They finally let me up at Jamie's insistence as a result of Tanya's crying, but not without getting in a few good kicks to my gut. Jamie, rubbing his neck, hoarsely told me to leave, at which point I looked at Tanya since she drove. "I'm not ready to leave yet, you asshole. You're going to have to go sit out by the curb until I am." And with that she swung her arm around Jamie and walked into the house swinging her hips at me.

I sat down on the curb, still fuming, but more exhausted than anything. I was embarrassed of what I'd done and felt like Tanya had deliberately brought me here and let Jamie put his arm around her in retaliation for Izzy being at the race. Now I thought in regret that I might have pushed her back into Jamie's arms and here I was sitting on the curb like some kind of loser chump. I kicked at some gravel and tossed a few rocks as I waited, wondering what was going on and when Tanya would finally emerge from the party.

I tossed another stone as I sighed and looked up at the stars. This was ending up to be both a great Summer and a frustrating one all at the same time. I was feeling really bad for what I'd done at this point. There was no more fury left in me. It wasn't that I didn't think Jamie was trying to get into Tanya's pants, he was. It wasn't that I didn't think Tanya was punishing me, she was. I felt bad that I'd let myself fly into a rage like that, in front of people that I didn't know at all.

I'd thought that I had gained control over my rages, but this Summer had brought them to the surface again. In high school I'd get so angry with the world in general, that I'd sit in the garage with a gun in my hand thinking about ending it. Obviously I'd never done anything about those thoughts, it was a byproduct of my anger and frustration and not knowing how to handle things. I kicked at the gravel again and shook my head, I'd thought that I'd left my wild mood swings behind me. Something about Tanya brought them out in me though. I was beginning to think that it may be the result of frustration, feeling as if Tanya wanted me to be someone that I wasn't. This frustration was manifesting as the old rage.

A warm breeze of fresh ocean air blew through the pines and I inhaled deeply. The fresh smell reminding me of Izzy. I was drawn to Izzy because she had an immediate calming effect on me. I felt it the first time she and I talked at the bar. She would subtly try to convince me to enjoy life as it was, and to be happy with who I was, to enjoy the trip and not the end point. Man, would Izzy be embarrassed of me for my actions tonight. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd never talk to me again for what I'd done if she'd been here; I was glad that she wasn't. I heard footsteps behind me and turned to see a glaring Tanya walking out of the party with Jamie following her in the background, like a protective boyfriend.

Tanya didn't say anything as she walked up to her car and started the engine, signaling to me that if I was getting a ride that I'd better get in or I was in for a long walk. Climbing in I looked back at Jamie and gave him the finger.

Chapter 21 – Izzy and Calvin

Once we were back in Philly, Tanya quietly dropped me off at my apartment and went home. Getting out of the car, I attempted to say something to her in explanation and apology but she already had the car in drive and was moving away from the sidewalk. We had not spoken much since the party other than the courteous nod to acknowledge one another. Tanya had a fixed glare on her that said: do not bother me. On the ride home, I had contented myself thinking of the upcoming race. Nationals was drawing near and I would have to focus my energy on that and not worry about the fact that Tanya and I were virtually done, if it hadn't yet been verbally acknowledged.

When I thought about us being over, part of me was sad and part relieved. I was sad because I didn't want her to think of me as the mad raging person I'd been at the party. I was relieved because, with Tanya, I felt trapped and with Izzy I felt free. But then again, I didn't want anyone else to have Tanya in the way I'd had her and the thought of it made me sadder than I'd been in a long time. My chest hurt and a darkness started to come over me. I started to imagine Tanya back at school with another guy talking to him in the way we'd talked in bed, leaning up on her elbow and looking into someone else's eyes. The worst part about it was that it would probably be another rower. This just tore my insides up, Tanya was mine and no one else could have her in the way I'd had her.

In this black mood, I decided to call Izzy and ask her to meet me for breakfast. When Izzy walked into the restaurant, I was already sitting in a booth waiting for her. Upon seeing me, she arched her back and head, pulling her shoulders back like a cat does when they're anticipating being scratched. It was the most sensuous action I'd ever seen and made me shift uncomfortably, my face flushing with blood as I watched her approach. After ordering some coffee, Izzy asked about my weekend and I told her what had happened and how badly I felt about it now. Instead of judging me, she listened and told me that, in her opinion, Tanya and I were destructive for each other.

"Oh, and I guess I should find someone that makes me feel comfortable and stay with them right?" I asked her with a smile on my face.

"If that's what makes you happy, yes," said Izzy, without smiling and not looking at me while sipping her coffee.

"Come on Iz, when are we going to get together? You know we were meant to be, right? I see the way you look at me and you know how I feel."

"It's not that simple Kevin, I have a history with Todd, we've been together for a long time and I love him. Plus, you're just hurting and want me to comfort you. You still need to sort things out with Tanya."

"Yes, but do you have any passion for him?" I asked ignoring the subject of Tanya, "You have passion for me, I see it in your eyes. You want to be with me and you know it." Izzy smiled at this and tried to hide it behind her coffee cup as she took a drink.

"Listen," she said in her husky voice, "some friends and I are getting together tonight to celebrate and I'd like to see you there, if it's possible." I knew that this was my chance and my heart started to race a little bit in anticipation.

"Sure, I'm there. Where and what are we celebrating?"

"My friend just got engaged and we're going to go to Whisky Town. Be there after 9, Todd is going out with his friends and won't be there."

"I'm there, looking forward to it." When we said goodbye we hugged a little longer and tighter than friends would. I felt a rush of release from my worries and sighed deeply as Izzy held me. When I let her go, I looked into her eyes and knew she felt the same.

"I have to go to work, so I'll see you tonight, ok?" I asked as if to confirm to myself that she'd actually invited me out with her friends.

Back at the apartment, I was a bit surprised to see Calvin. He was relaxing on the couch, watching TV as if he'd been there all Summer and hadn't played the lead role in "The Vanishing."

"Yo, where have you been all Summer?" I asked happy to finally see him in our place again.

"What do you mean?" he asked with a smile and an inflection telling me that as far as he was concerned he'd been here and the conversation about where he'd been was not open for discussion.

"You ready for work? If we don't get going we're going to be late for the rush on porn," said Calvin.

At work Sheryl was busy with some customers looking to trade in their CDs for cash and they were haggling over a few dollars. Rick was in the back, or the bathroom. Either way, I could be pretty confident that he was looking at porn in some form or another.

It was a typical Saturday night. At least it was up until the point when Mrs. D walked in with her latest boy toy in tow. She came up to the counter, leaving her boy toy looking at some sex toys.

As she approached us she slowly raised her dark glasses and gave Calvin a wink. "Hey stud," she half whispered, "how about another go round with me and him?" she indicated her friend looking at some vibrators with a jerk of her head. Calvin didn't answer, but I could see that he was suddenly very uncomfortable as he started to fidget with the rental keyboard, looking from Mrs. D and back down at the computer screen. "Rick just didn't do it for me, but you certainly did, boy you were a wild one," said Mrs. D, still trying to catch Calvin's eyes.

I looked from Calvin to Mrs. D with a sudden understanding. Calvin had had a threesome with Mrs. D and Rick. Holy shit, I can't believe it, I thought to myself. Not only did he have sex with the mysterious and hot Mrs. D, but he'd done it with our scum ball boss Rick, the porn addicted masturbating homophobe. Hold on a second. The pieces were starting to click into place fast and furious. I'd always heard and believed that if a guy had a threesome with another guy and a girl that deep down he was gay. It hit me like a brick wall. It had been right in front of me all this time. I hadn't wanted to admit it, but I had always known that Calvin was gay. Rick also must be gay which would explain his constant and ridiculously unnecessary gay bashing. I didn't know whether to be in awe because Calvin had been with Mrs. D or disgusted because he'd had her with Rick. Calvin finally looked up at Mrs. D, after a long quiet pause, when neither of them had said anything, and told her that he'd have to politely decline the offer. Mrs. D took it in stride and told Calvin that the offer of a replay was always open to him.

"Hold on there a second," I spluttered struggling to get something out while looking at Calvin, "what just happened here?"

Calvin looked at me as he yelled into the back room, "Hey Rick, you big closet queen, Kevin and I are taking off for the rest of the night." And with that we left. "Come on, I'm going to tell you everything, it's time I did it anyway."

We went to a bar around the corner and sat down. I felt both relief and betrayal at the same time as I thought about what had happened and what I knew was coming. Relief because something I had known but not admitted for a long time was going to finally be out in the open and betrayal because it had taken my friend so long to trust me with something like this.

I ordered and quickly downed a beer, ordering another as Calvin began, "First, let me say that I haven't come out to any of my family or close friends yet. Yes, people know that I'm gay but not the people who are close to me. Or, I should say that they probably all thought that I was but I have neither confirmed or denied anything, until this point. So, yes I'm gay and have felt this way ever since I can remember."

I ordered another beer and nodded my understanding. "I don't have any issues with you being gay. I have issues with the fact that I thought that you were for a long time and you didn't tell me. You let me be accosted by one of your friends and never said anything to me about it. Why did you let your friend do that, knowing that I was in no state to fend anyone off? Why didn't you tell me then?"

"I know and I'm sorry. I just wasn't ready to come out to you and you weren't ready to hear it. You might have thought that you were, but you weren't. This is something that I've struggled with all my life. Don't you think that I wish I could be honest with everyone and not have to hide who I am? I didn't like hiding anything from you. But you say that you knew. If you knew, why did you put yourself into a situation where, as you say, you couldn't fend anyone off? Because you were still ignoring what was right in front of you. You didn't want to admit that the person you'd lived and been friends with for so long was gay. You called Steve my butt buddy all of those times but deep down you hoped it wasn't the case."

"Ok, so why now? What, in your opinion, makes me ready to hear this now? Other than the fact that Mrs. D outed you in front of me. Oh, and by the way Rick is disgusting, you need to explain that one to me."

"You were ready after you punched Steve. You punched him because he betrayed me and at that point you knew and you were defending me even if you didn't say it. I wasn't ready to tell you then. Steve hurt me more than you know. That's why I haven't been around all Summer, he really screwed with my head. I think in some ways I loved him and all the time he played games with me, knowing how much I cared for him and taking advantage of it. You know how Steve lied all of the time. He used to lie to me about things he did and where he'd been. He cheated on me the entire time we were together. I had to go home for most of this Summer to work on getting past Steve and what he did to me. He really fucked me up." Calvin shook his head and stared into his beer.

"I'd be glad to have another go at him, just say the word," I laughed trying to lighten the somber mood and so did Calvin.

"I actually think he was with a girl or two as well when we were together. You know he's really fucked up, don't you? He doesn't even know who he is, he's weaved so many complex lies about who he is and his life, that he's convinced himself of it all."

"I'm sorry that he did that to you. I never liked him. I wish it hadn't happened to you but maybe you're better for it and you learned from it. Ok, so, tell me about Rick and Mrs. D."

"There's really not that much to tell. I was horny, Mrs. D came into the store alone one night and made an offer to both of us. She knew I was gay, so she asked Rick who fancies himself bi to join us."

"But, RICK, come on!"

"I may be gay, but I'm still a guy. I hadn't had sex in a couple of months and Rick was willing. He was actually pretty good too."

"Ok, ok, I may be ready to hear you're gay but I don't think I'm ready to hear details. So how was Mrs. D?"

"She was more interested in watching, she just joined in in the end. I do have to admit that she had a tight body for being in her 40's. You should try to hit that." Calvin laughed as he clicked his tongue giving me a devilish look.

"I'm really glad you told me everything finally, it's a load off my shoulders and, I'm sure, off yours as well to finally have this in the open between us. I just need to know one more thing before I head out to meet Izzy. Who, by the way, invited me out with her and her friends tonight," I said this with a big goofy smile, puffing out my chest. "Where do you go on your late night forays?"

"Hmm, sounds serious with Izzy, what about Tanya?" Calvin never liked Tanya but the few times he'd met Izzy it was obvious they'd clicked with one another immediately.

"Tanya doesn't know and won't know. The Summer's almost over and Tanya's going back to school. I don't see this thing with Tanya lasting as a long distance relationship anyway. And you're not getting away with changing the subject, where do you go?"

"Alright, whatever, if you must know," Calvin shrugged. "Sometimes I go to afterhours clubs and hook up with people and sometimes I just walk around cruising to find someone to hook up with. It's not a big deal. Sometimes, I'm just in the mood for anonymous sex."

"Are you nuts, you'll get an STD or someone could beat you up and dump you in a ditch for dead!"

"Nah, I'm careful. Don't worry about me, I know how to handle myself."

"Ok tough guy. I'd really like to hang out some more and talk but I really have to go. I'm late, but I'm not done with this topic. You shouldn't be hooking up with people you don't know."

"Ok Dad, have fun and tell Izzy I said hi." With that Calvin and I hugged and I felt the years of wondering and not knowing lift off me like a gigantic dark cloud. I could now see everything clearly between us.

The bar Izzy had invited me to was packed, it was wall to wall people. I craned my neck around, looking for her and spotted her in a circle with all of her friends. Izzy spotted me as I approached and ran up throwing her arms around me and gave me a big kiss on the lips.

"Kevin, I'm so glad you're here. I've been wondering where you were." Izzy was drunk out of her mind. She was laughing and having a great time. Even though she was drunk, I enjoyed the kiss and found myself wondering if this meant there would be more to come later in the night. Izzy introduced me around to all of her friends and then continued with her celebrating, all the while keeping her arm wrapped around my waist. Izzy was an affectionate drunk and I liked it. I found myself wanting to tell her about Calvin but this wasn't the time. It was noisy and chances were Izzy wouldn't remember much in the morning anyway.

Izzy finally loosened her grip on me and slowly I drifted away letting her enjoy her time with her friends. I just wanted to watch her from afar as she enjoyed the night. She was beautiful, with dark hair and olive skin. When she talked she had a bright twinkle in her eyes that was confident and carefree. She was an animated talker using her hands to annotate certain expressions to get her point across. Every now and then, I caught her throaty laugh as she enjoyed something. She had a piece of hair that kept falling into her face as she talked and she kept brushing it aside. On one of the hair flips, she caught me looking at her and she gave me a playful smile back.

I took a deep breath tearing my attention away from Izzy and looked around the bar. I noticed a couple of decent looking girls near me that were making fun of Izzy and her hair brushing in an attempt to get my attention. I turned and started to talk to them, just to kill time. I talked and joked with the two of them but they soon lost interest, taking note that I kept looking over at Izzy and she at me, and wandered off to talk to someone else.

I couldn't take my eyes off Izzy and how great she looked. She was radiant. For me, she was the only person in the room and my anticipation of later, once we left, grew with each lingering gaze we held. Each look was a form of foreplay with each being held longer and longer. Her friends noticed as well and kept elbowing her, I could see that they were mouthing Todd's name in what was probably questions such as, "What about Todd?" She brushed off the questions looking at me again. I knew, in these shared moments, that our relationship had changed, we were no longer just friends. The question her friends were mouthing was true, what about Todd? The answer to that question then entered the bar, as Todd strolled in with a bunch of his friends.

My heart started to race with panic with the sudden realization that this night might be over. What was going to happen? Izzy could easily play it like I wasn't here with her. I knew Todd knew about me, but he wasn't sure what the relationship was. Up until this point, as far as Todd was concerned, I was just a nuisance. How Izzy decided to react would tell me where I really stood with her. In my mind, the smart thing for Izzy to do would be to explain that she'd asked me here as a friend and to simply leave it at that. Anything more could create a scene and this could be handled much more discreetly another time in private.

But not Izzy, she was drunk and didn't care about scenes. When Todd walked up to her and nodded his head towards me questioning what I was doing here, Izzy promptly walked up to me, wrapped her arm around me and walked me back to her circle of friends. "He's here because I wanted him to come." Todd didn't say a word. He was too surprised to say anything and I didn't blame him, I was as well.

My palms were sweaty and my body was tense under Izzy's grasp as I waited to see what would happen next. I looked at Todd and he shot me a sideways glance as he concentrated on Izzy trying to figure out what she was doing. Todd must have decided that this wasn't the place for a scene because he suddenly turned away, shaking off his friends as they protested trying to convince him to do something, and left. I heaved a sigh of relief and looked at Izzy who seemed to be completely unfazed because she just shrugged at me, "What?" I began to form a belief that Todd was spineless and didn't care for Izzy the way that he should have. If I was with Izzy and saw her with another guy in this type of situation, I would have confronted both of them. Maybe Todd would confront Izzy in private later. If he did, somehow I doubted it would be anything more than him pleading with her, telling her how much he loved her and was hurt by what she did. I'd seen something in his eyes that reflected apathy about the situation.

It was getting late and the crowd was thinning out. Izzy had come with her friends but asked me if I'd walk her home. As we left, I noticed that she was swaying slightly.

"Are you ok?"

"Fine, why do you ask?" she managed to slur out while walking zig zagging lines and brushing against a building. As we walked past a lamp post, she somehow managed to run directly into it, and thinking it was a person, muttered excuse me and bounced like a pinball in the other direction. I quickly caught her around the waist, steadying her and steering her in the right direction. We'd only taken a few steps more when Izzy bent over into the gutter and lost her lunch and dinner and all snacks in between. She was leaning so far over that I had to loop my hand through her belt to keep her from falling face first onto the pavement. After a few more heaves Izzy turned to me while wiping her mouth on her sleeve and managed to groan, "Just get me home."

I put her to bed and tucked her in, lightly brushing her hair from her face before I left to go back to my place. I had already planned out in my mind that I would head over again the next day with coffee and bagels to check on Izzy. I was disappointed that we hadn't had the chance to get intimate, but in a way, we had been, just not in the classic sense of intimacy. I'd seen Izzy vulnerable. Izzy didn't like to show vulnerability. She would do anything to avoid showing any chinks in her heavy and well maintained armor.

I got up feeling excited about heading over to Izzy's to check up on her. The night before had been an important step forward in our relationship, I was looking forward to seeing her and talking about it and what the next steps were. When I got to her place, she was already up and eating. Disappointed, I discreetly placed the bagels and coffee on the table without mentioning them. Izzy acted like nothing had happened the night before and my heart sank. "Oh, hey Kevin, what's up?"

"I figured we'd hang out together today, maybe go to the museum?"

"Oh, sorry I can't, Todd's coming over and we're going to go shopping and he has tickets for the Phillies game later."

Excuse me? I thought to myself. What about last night? Was I crazy? Had we not shared something? I didn't know what to say, but knew I had to say something, or this would eat at me. I didn't understand what was happening, nor Izzy's reaction.

"Well, I uhh, thought we'd talk about last night. I really enjoyed being with you and I thought things had changed between us."

"I can't deal with this right now, Kevin. Todd's going to be here any minute, you have to leave. If he sees you again he might start something this time. I'll call you later, ok?" She gave me what I interpreted as an apologetic look and left the room to get ready. I was devastated. My stomach had a lump in it the size of a grapefruit and what had started off as a day that held so much promise had suddenly become miserable. I dragged my sorry self back to my place.

Chapter 22 – The More Things Change

Calvin and Jason were hanging out eating breakfast while watching cartoons. Calvin took one look at me and asked what was wrong. I then launched into the entire story of the night and this morning and my confusion about the entire thing.

"Hey, now you know why I prefer guys. None of the bullshit mind games," said Calvin in response to my story. He'd obviously forgotten about Steve.

"Yeah, ok, some of the guys you've hung out with might as well be girls anyway, they act like them. Plus, you call each other bitches. So what's the difference?" I replied.

"There's a big difference, even when they're bitches or sick from drinking, I still get sex." At this, Jason, who'd been just taking it all in while watching TV, started to crack up choking and spraying his cereal all over the place. Upon seeing this, I couldn't help myself and broke into a smile.

It was Sunday and we'd been given the day off from practice so Jason and I decided to go for a run around the drives, which was about a seven mile loop, after breakfast. The topic of discussion during the run was on Nationals which was coming up in two weeks. It was a nice day and a cool breeze whispered through the leaves of the giant Ash trees lining the path. As we ran, we admired the rowing shells gliding by with the coaches in motor boats yelling out instructions.

"Dude, so what's up with you and Tanya? Are you going to ditch her for Izzy or what?"

"I don't know. I like the sex and the convenience and I love her body, so how do I answer that? I like the way Izzy makes me feel about myself. Tanya makes me frustrated and stressed and Izzy makes me feel calm and in control. With Izzy, it feels like everything's going to be ok. It may sound corny, but with Izzy I'm the man I was meant to be and I feel like I can do anything."

"Ahh, ok, you're a man now but she's not even with you. She has a boyfriend and, from what you told me, she's with him today."

"Ok, thanks for reminding me. I don't care, I feel like Izzy and I were meant to be together and I think she's feels it too. She's just not ready to commit to her feelings yet. Izzy is comfortable with the way things are in her life right now. I challenge her and it both scares her and excites her at the same time. Just wait and see, I'm going to steal Izzy right out from under Todd's apathetic, or should I say, pathetic nose."

"Ok, whatever you say stud muffin, just be careful." And with that Jason whipped the pace up to a point where neither of us could talk.

Later that day, Izzy called me. She'd just gotten back from the game with Todd. "Do you want to come over? Todd's not here and he's not going to come over tonight."

"Umm, ok. I must say, I'm a little confused."

"That's why I want you to come over, I want to talk to you."

"Ok, I'll be right over. What did you have in mind?"

"I was going to cook something and figured we could eat and just hang out for a bit. We need to talk about last night."

Izzy's place was infused with a delicious smelling concoction of mussels, sauce, pasta and garlic bread cooking. She didn't waste any time in broaching the subject of last night.

"I'm really sorry about this morning. I was distracted by the fact that Todd and I were spending the day together and about what I was going to say to him."

"I thought we shared something last night and was surprised and hurt this morning when you acted like nothing had happened." I replied.

"I know, I just couldn't talk about it this morning. I needed to concentrate on the conversation I was going to have with Todd."

"So, tell me about it."

"I told him that I was interested in you and that I was planning on seeing you more often."

"And?"

"He said he understood if I had to see what else was out there but that he wasn't going to give up on me. That he'd wait for me to come back to him."

Oh great I thought, a loyal dog boy, no spine. I would have been happier if he'd dumped her on the spot but I guess that would be too easy.

"If you were mine I would never let you see anyone else. It would be me or no one."

"I know that and that's part of what I like about you. You know what you want and you go for it. That being said, I'm not ready to end things with Todd. We have too much history. I'm willing to explore what you and I have, though, if you'll have me under the condition that you'll have to share me with Todd."

I didn't hesitate. "Izzy, I think you and I are meant to be together and I'm willing to convince you of that. I would rather not break up with Tanya either. I need to keep the peace in the boat for the rest of the season, so you'll have to accept that." I also realized that I was too scared to face Tanya in such an honest way. It was much more appealing for me to end it with her in some covert manner.

"I accept that, and I agree with you. I feel like we were destined to meet, but I need time. I'm not so sure I believe in soul mates."

"You like the challenge that I pose. You've been too comfortable for too long. You're not the kind of person that can sit back and never be challenged. You're bored and with me you never know what you're going to get."

Izzy laughed a throaty laugh, "I'll give you that, you always surprise me."

We ate dinner in relative silence shooting each other the heated glances that people who know what's coming do. As we finished dinner and the bottle of wine I began to flush with the heat that was being generated between us. Izzy stood and let her napkin fall to the floor, she came across the table and took my hand, leading me into the bedroom. Once in the bedroom, she slowly removed her clothes before she moved over to slowly remove mine. Later that night, I lay on my elbow and watched her sleep as the moonlight poured in through the window. She was beautiful and I was in love. I whispered that I loved her while she slept, hoping that she would suddenly wake up and hear me. With this realization also came the cold hard fact that Izzy was still dating Todd. I wondered if she'd still have sex with him? Would I still have sex with Tanya? Only time would tell. At the moment I could only wait and see.

I lay peacefully back down when suddenly I felt my stomach lurch with the terrible pain of built up gas from the meal I'd eaten earlier. I started to panic, what am I going to do I wondered. I couldn't fart in bed with Izzy. I didn't know her well enough yet, plus, who knew what she'd think of me. Sweat started to bead on my forehead as more pain came in waves and I struggled to keep the gas from leaking out. Please just stop I prayed to no avail. What to do? What to do? Should I just go home? No, I can't do that. Izzy would be mad if I left in the middle of the night. As I was struggling with solutions, she rolled over and draped her arm across my chest still asleep and smiled. Damn, I thought, maybe if I just lay here for a few minutes and fight it back it will eventually go away. I lay in a growing pool of sweat with no luck, it was only getting worse.

I finally decided to take some action, I lightly moved Izzy's arm being careful not to wake her and eased out of the bed. I would go to the bathroom and let it all out. As I made my way to the bathroom I left a noxious trail behind me and upon entering the bathroom I released all of the pent up gas as if I was a hot air balloon. Feeling better as the pressure eased on my abdomen and not wanting to remain in the stench ridden bathroom I went back to bed. Just as I lay back down and replaced Izzy's arm I heard Izzy's roommate walk down the hall towards the bathroom. I heard the bathroom door close and then heard a choking sound. I laughed under my breath and quickly fell asleep.

I headed out for crew practice early in the morning. On entering the boathouse I strategically avoided Tanya's questions regarding where I'd been the night before.

"Not now, coach wants us on the river," I said brushing past her while walking my oar down to the dock and locking it into the oar lock.

There was a mist extending three feet on top of the water so that all you could see was a white cloud floating in midair, nothing else. All eight of us lined up next to the boat as Tanya called, "right foot in, and down." At the word "down", our torsos disappeared from view so that all an observer on the bank would see was our heads floating on top of the cloud.

The night had been a calm one and the water was smooth, like glass. All you could hear was the catch and release of the oars on the water as the boat glided smoothly on top. As we passed under the Girard Street bridge we cut through a pack of sleeping geese that honked in protest over the boats disrupting them from their slumber. As our heads floated in space on top of the mist, bobbing forward and aft in the boat, the effect from the shore must have been otherworldly, appearing as if they were the disembodied heads of ghosts moving in perfect timing three feet above the river.

From somewhere in the mist I heard coach on his megaphone calling out our first hard piece of practice. "Ok, guys, this is our last hard practice before we start to taper for Nationals. I want to see everyone in perfect time following the pace and pressure that Tanya calls out. Make this your best practice!"

We started with a 500 meter piece at full pressure, and as I wheezed out the final 20 strokes of the piece I heard coach, "come on five man! Where's your head! You're not in time and you're throwing off the entire boat! Get in the game!"

"Ok, ok fucko" I mumbled, "thanks for reminding me that I'm off in front of the entire river and everyone running on the path."

"What's that five? Did you just have the energy to mouth off to me? You must not have given me 100% on the last piece! Give me another 500 in ten!"

I heard the collective groan of the boat as we counted off the next piece. I kept my mind on rowing and not Izzy this time and was in perfect time with the rest of the boat. "Ok, five, that's what I want to see from my engine room, no thinking, just power!"

For the remainder of the practice I struggled to keep my head in the boat and on the water, listening to Tanya call out instructions over the cox box. Every call or correction from Tanya was like a knife jabbing into my gut as I struggled to keep thoughts of Izzy out of my head. By the last piece, I was so exhausted all I could think about was a warm shower and the comfort of a long nap in my own bed with no women and no coach yelling out instructions. When we got back to the dock the mist had mixed with our sweat from the exertion of practice covering us in a soaking salty mixture with our clothes hanging on us like wet rags. I shook my hair and the misty salt sprayed all over the dock and into Tanya's face as she walked up behind me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. "Umm, I love you when you're all sweaty. So, are you going to tell me why you weren't answering your phone last night?"

"I was just tired is all, I must not have heard it." This must have been a good enough explanation and it wasn't entirely inconceivable since coach had been working us so hard lately, because she just nodded acceptance and moved on.

"Hey guys," she said addressing Jason and I, "want to go to the beach this coming weekend? We can take my parents boat out and water ski if you want?"

I'd always wanted to learn how to water ski and I knew Jason did as well. "How can we? We have practice," I said quickly at the same time trying to figure out what I'd tell Izzy.

"Nope, coach is going to give us the weekend off to rest up and take it easy. We don't have to tell him that we're going water skiing do we?" replied Tanya shaking her hips as she walked into the boathouse, looking proud of herself for knowing something that we didn't.

"Dude, count me in," said Jason.

I shook my head accepting that we were destined to all go to the shore together, still wondering what I was going to tell Izzy, since I had been hoping to spend the weekend with her.

Running back to our place, my legs started to bother me. They felt like knives were being jabbed into them. They were aching from the hard practices we'd been having as the final push for Nationals. My hemorrhoids were also bothering me and the feeling of them rubbing between my sweaty butt cheeks was making me even crankier than I already was. To top it off, the sweaty clothes were starting to chaff between my legs and to rub my nipples raw.

I swung on Jason, "What was that all about back there? Practically inviting yourself to Tanya's for the weekend. How do you know that I want you there with us? Not to mention you and Becky are connected at the hip lately, are you sure she's going to let you go anywhere without her?"

"Whaoho excuse me? Sorry to infringe on the king's castle but I thought it sounded like fun. Next time remind me to stop myself before I overstep my authority oh master."

"Yeah well, I'm just saying, Tanya and I need to do some talking. We haven't really talked much since the last episode at the beach. Plus I was thinking of coming clean about Izzy."

"Oh, so Izzy broke up with Todd?"

"No, not exactly but we did sleep together last night and I'm figuring she's breaking up with him today."

"Ahh, ok, I'll believe that when I hear it from her. Man, you are crazy if you think she's going to end it that easily after all she's done to him and the fact that he's still clinging to her. He just thinks this is something she's got to get out of her system and then she'll go running back to his waiting arms."

"Ahh, I see. I didn't realize that you were an amateur psychologist but thanks for filling me in with your expert insight." We walked into our apartment and I saw the sink full of molding dishes, festering with tepid water floating in them. Poor Calvin had long ago given up on eating or even keeping perishable food in our place but Jason and I were so restricted in what we could eat that we had to cook for ourselves.

"Ok, fucko, when are you going to clean the dishes? I seem to remember it being your turn," I turned on Jason with a fire gleaming in my eyes since I wanted to cook some eggs for myself and then go to bed.

"Uhh, I don't think so. You were the last one to use those pots, you clean them. If you think I'm cleaning anything in that sink, you're fucking nuts. Get a grip on yourself!" And with that Jason slammed the door to his room. I gingerly reached into the sink and pour the fetid contents of the frying pan into the drain and cleaned it, purposely leaving the rest of the dishes in the sink.

Mid-week came and I decided to surprise Izzy at her house and found her snuggling on her couch watching a movie with Todd. She followed me as I stomped out of her apartment, "I told you that I wasn't going to end things with Todd yet."

"Oh right, I guess I was fooling myself thinking that having sex with me might change things a bit."

"It did, but I'm not ready to just jump into something with you. Did you end it with Tanya?"

"Say the word and I'll call her right now to end it."

"Well, things aren't that black and white for me. It must be nice to have things set so clearly in your mind."

"Actually, it is. I want to be with you and it's that simple. Why can't you say that that's what you want as well?"

"I do want to be with you but what happens a month or two from now, when you meet someone else and I'm left alone?"

"How can you say what will happen? You need to take the risk and just go with it. I could say the same thing but I'm not. I want to give it a try with you and that's all I'm thinking. I'm not worried about the future."

"It must be nice to be you. It just doesn't work that way for me. You're going to have to give me time if you're still interested."

"I'm interested, but just so you know, I'm going to the beach with Tanya this weekend." I said this hoping to evoke some kind of jealous reaction from Izzy but didn't get one. She just nodded and told me to have fun as Todd walked up behind her with a smirk on his face and pushed the door closed on me.

It hurt so bad that tears welled up in my eyes. I thought about Izzy and Todd having sex in the same bed I'd been in just a few nights ago and it felt like a steel plated arm was plunging itself into my chest and wrenching out my heart. I'd show her, I thought to myself. I'd win the gold medal at Nationals and then she'd see. It wasn't clear to me how this would convince her to drop Todd and run into my arms but somehow this made sense to me at the time. I had a vision of standing on the dock lowering my head as the gold medal was placed around my neck, with Izzy standing on the shore looking at me and cheering and Todd was nowhere in sight. Izzy had love in her eyes as the sun reflected off my medal. I was a God and she was my worshiping Goddess. The dream slowly dissipated as cold hard reality set in. Izzy wasn't mine right now, I was sharing her. She would never be an adoring fan. She didn't like me for what I did or accomplished but for who I was. That's why I was falling in love with her.

I shook my head, snap out if it I thought, you're going to the beach to have fun, forget Izzy. She's probably screwing Todd right now anyway, why waste time even thinking of her?

Chapter 23 – Sun, Sand and Skiing

We ended the week of practice with some short very fast pieces on the river but with a lot of rest between the pieces. We were all starting to feel our power now that our bodies were getting a well-deserved rest from the killer workouts that we were used to. As we headed to the beach on a beautiful, sunny weekend, I was doing my best to forget about Izzy and enjoy a weekend with Jason and Tanya. It was our last before Nationals and we were determined to make it a memorable one even if we each had our issues that were lurking in the backs of our minds. Mine being Izzy and Tanya. Tanya's being me and what to do about me when she left for school and Jason's being Becky and the knowledge that she was probably never going to leave her boyfriend for him.

Tanya did her best to keep the conversation light, "OK, so water skiing is not as easy as it looks. It takes a lot of skill, patience and strength to get up and stay up on the skis. Plus you can really hurt yourself if you don't pay attention to what you're doing and the boat can't afford to have either of you hurt now. So I need both of you to listen to everything that I say and do what I tell you, ok?"

Jason and I both smirked and rolled our eyes. It was typical Tanya taking control when no one needed to take control and spoiling something by making it too serious.

"Tanya, chill, we've got this under control. It can't be that hard, plus look who you're talking to. We're one week from winning Nationals, I think we can handle ourselves on water skis." I meant this as a wise ass comment with respect to the fact that both Jason and I felt we were indestructible Gods and this was just another minor challenge to be beaten down with authority.

"Dude, I'll bet you a case of beer that I get up before you do," said Jason.

"Yeah, I doubt that, but I bet you'll get up for Ken," I laughed as I said this imagining Ken and Jason together. "You're on sucker, this will be the easiest case of beer I've ever won."

"Oh hoho, you kill me. You're the one that's been friends with Calvin all these years. For all I know you're turning that closet door handle right now getting ready to come out next, now that Calvin has."

"Boys, I'd be surprised if either of you got up for longer than five seconds."

When Tanya turned back to drive, Jason muttered something about Tanya being about as much fun as doing a line of baking soda when you are expecting pure coke and we both laughed.

"What's so funny?" asked Tanya as she laughed with us, without knowing why.

"Nothing, just something about that fairy Ken is all, and how you dated him last Summer," I replied thinking that this would shut her up. Tanya had eventually come clean and told me about dating Ken and how he'd basically been a wet noodle both as someone to date and in respect to his dick. I loved this story and would ask her about it until she'd get angry. I loved it for many reasons; Ken had not spoken a word to me since the scene in front of the boathouse, which pissed me off. I loved that Tanya had still spent the Summer with Ken even though, try as she might, she couldn't get him off. It just confirmed the fact that I was just another stud rower for Tanya, the ultimate crew groupie. I could just picture Tanya trying to figure out what she was doing wrong with Ken in his repressed state of self-denial, assuring her that it was nothing, both of them just running into the same brick wall over and over again, neither of them willing to address the real issue.

"Oh hi guys, my name's Ken and I'm a rower," I said this exaggerating Ken's mannerisms and voice adding his trademark hair flip with my hand. "I pretend to like girls to all of the people I row with when really I want to plug them all. My favorite part of rowing is being in a big sweaty boat with all of the guys," I said, clicking my tongue.

"Fuck off Kevin, that's not fair to Ken and you know it. Plus, he doesn't sound like that anyway," said Tanya defensively.

"Oh? So you're telling me he's not a limp noodle dick? Were you ever able to get him off? I hear tell that Stevie boy got him off multiple times in one night. Not to mention, he got Steve off and had little Steve in his mouth."

"You're so repressed, it's nice to know that you regard your stroke rower so highly. He's never done anything to you."

"I bet he strokes, as he sits up front with you and dreams of feeling one of us come up from behind while he's rowing."

"Kevin, you need to shut the fuck up before I turn the car around and we all go home."

"Uhh Kevin," Jason managed to get out between choking, he was laughing so hard, "need I remind you that one of your best friends and roommates is gay too?"

"Oh right, I forgot you were gay."

"Ha ha funny man, our boy Calvin likes a bit of the old sausage now and then and I'm sure he would be real proud of the way you're talking about his kind now," said Jason.

"Excuse me?" yelled Tanya over our conversation, finally realizing that we'd been joking about both Calvin and Ken all this time, "You didn't tell me that Calvin came out! I knew it!"

"Ok calm done, we both know you're great at reading people," I said sarcastically. "Sure I told you, don't you remember? We had a long discussion and you told me that didn't agree with the lifestyle, but that I needed to be more accepting of him as a person."

"I don't think so, if you had this conversation it wasn't with me." Damn I thought to myself, I must have had the conversation with Izzy, plus there's no way that Tanya would have accepted Calvin's coming out so easily. Think quickly, I told myself, I had to recover from this slip and fast.

"Right, I think I meant to tell you and the rest was just what I assumed we would have discussed," I replied.

"Uh huh," said Tanya giving me a strange look out of the corner of her eye.

I didn't really want to talk about Calvin being gay with Tanya right now, or maybe ever. She would lay one of her holier-than-thou lectures on me about how being gay was against God's will and unnatural or some nonsense. I was still struggling with the lifestyle and what I viewed as the sleaze of it, guys skulking in the parks and on the train tracks down by the river looking to hook up with each other disgusted me. And the fact that Calvin had participated in some of it gave me the shivers. Calvin was still one of my best friends, nothing had changed there, just the new perspective on who he was, outside of being the person I'd known for years, was now completely different. What I didn't need right now was for Tanya to spout some spiritual mumbo jumbo or laws of nature crap. It was easy for her to judge when it was something that didn't really affect her.

"Well, I think that you should think long and hard about who Calvin is and if you want to be around that kind of influence right now."

Oh God, I thought, what does she not get about how bossy and irritating she can be? Is she oblivious to the fact that she's spewing bullshit and can't possibly know how I feel right now? Rather than addressing her preaching I tried another tactic. "Hey, don't forget your limp dick of an ex-boyfriend sucked Calvin's ex-boyfriends dick." I said with a huge smile on my face, I wanted to get under Tanya's skin since she pissed me off with her ignorant beliefs.

"Fuck you, Kevin. At least he could last longer than five seconds." Ahh, that hurt, she was making reference to how long I used to last with her when we first got together. Which made me realize that she had referenced that earlier when talking about how long Jason and I could get up on the water skis. Damn, I'd missed that jab, I thought.

"Ok, you got me, but I bet Ken lasted for hours and hours with you right," I started to laugh so hard I could barely get the words out, "plus my days of lasting only five seconds are long gone and if I remember correctly even when I only lasted five seconds I could keep going at it over and over and I don't seem to remember your complaining. In fact I remember quite a few kitten like mews coming out of your mouth and the contented sighs of complete satisfaction."

"Ok, Ok! That's enough, I don't want to hear anymore. Too much information!" yelled Jason.

We were getting close to the beach and the air smelled of the salt coming off the ocean. I hung my head back to feel the wind rushing through my hair. I looked back at Jason. We were going to have a great time. This was just what we needed to unwind before our big race and spending the weekend with Jason and Tanya, despite Tanya's propensity for irritating me, was going to be fun for all of us. The plan was to unpack and then head out right away for some water skiing. We'd planned to pack a lunch and hit some remote beach in the back bay before low tide, somewhere to hang out and eat and relax while we waited for high tide to roll in.

Before I could jump out of the car with my backpack, Tanya grabbed me, "Listen sweetie, I don't want to fight ok? Let's just relax and have a fun weekend." I cringed at the term sweetie. I hated it and felt it was condescending and forced myself to wrap my arm around her waist pulling her to me for an embrace.

"Ok, let's do that." I whispered in her ear, at the closeness suddenly forgetting that she'd called me sweetie, I felt myself harden against her. Despite all of our issues, sex was not one of them.

We quickly packed some sandwiches and beer and headed out in the boat. Tanya walked Jason and I through handling the boat since she would be the first one to ski with the plan being that she would demonstrate how to get up on the skis. Rather than showing us two skis though Tanya decided to demonstrate the slalom which is really what we were both looking forward to anyway, since you could maneuver the single ski much easier and jump the boat's wake.

As Tanya got her ski and the tow line ready, Jason took over steering the boat. Tanya pulled her shirt off revealing her perfect body while letting her hair out before climbing out of the boat. Tanya was yelling something that Jason missed because his mouth was agape looking at Tanya in her bathing suit. What most people failed to notice about Tanya was that her body was in perfect shape and proportion. She tended to wear loose fitting clothing that would hide her shape and being small it was easy to miss the fact that she had ample breasts.

"Jason, I said, ease off on the throttle so I can climb out. Once I'm ready I'll let you know, then you need to ease the speed back up slowly so I can get up," repeated Tanya. Jason did another double take before easing off while I smiled, suddenly proud that I was dating Tanya.

Tanya dropped into the water and as the boat speed picked up she effortlessly got up on the single ski and slalomed back and forth jumping over the boat's wake. Tanya's blond hair was trailing behind her as she leaned back against the tow line and at this moment I was happy Tanya and I had spent the Summer together.

Jason leaned over to me, "Dude, now I know why you're dating her. Damn I didn't know she had such a tight bod." I just smiled as my head swelled with pride at the thought that Tanya was mine.

Tanya finished her run and climbed back in the boat. Her long blond hair was dripping wet and her wet nipples were pressed tightly against her bathing suit. Again I noted that Jason was having a hard time keeping his mouth shut. Tanya also noticed and made sure she took her time drying off and covering up with a towel.

Now it was my turn, with Tanya driving the boat and Jason talking trash to me, leaning out the back of the boat. I'd never been on water skis before and Tanya failed to tell me to let go of the line if I fell. The first time I tried to get up I went over head first and held onto the tow line as my shorts got washed down to my ankles. I finally let go, but not before Jason and Tanya got a look at my full moon with both of them getting a great laugh out of my white butt.

"Dude, you're supposed to be skiing, not mooning us."

"Keep laughing asshole, I'd like to see you do better!"

"Get back in the boat and let me show you how it's done," replied Jason.

I got back in and let Jason have a go at it. Tanya started the boat back up slowly and to my surprise Jason almost got up on the ski but at the last minute he did a nose dive and, taking a lesson from me, let go of the rope immediately. It was my turn again and I'd learned by watching Jason to use my leg strength built up from rowing, to push against the water and lean back into the pull of the boat. I got up but only for a second before the ski went off in one direction and my body went the other. The next time Jason went he'd obviously watched me as well and he got up and was skiing for a good half minute before the ski came out from under him.

"You owe me a case dude," he said as he climbed back into the boat sticking his chest out all proud of himself. I knew that I had to get up and stay up on this turn and did just that increasing the stakes as I was able to move back and forth through the wake a bit before falling. It was a great feeling gliding across the water on the ski and by lunch Jason and I were gushing from the rush and talking trash about who was better and who actually got up first for a real run and not just a short one. Tanya was laughing and enjoying herself as well. Low tide had hit and we found a deserted little beach to crash on and relax.

Once we'd beached the boat and gotten the beer and food out, Tanya excused herself and went off into the weeds leaving Jason and I alone for a minute.

"Dude, she's real cool. I never saw this side of her. Now I know why you like her. What's so much better about Izzy that you want to ruin what you have here?" At the moment I was struggling to figure out the answer to this very question. Izzy was no doubt with Todd and here I was with someone that obviously loved me, that had a boat and a house at the beach, and was great looking as well.

"To be completely honest, I'm not sure I know the answer to that question at the moment. Let me just say that when I'm with Tanya in a situation outside of something like today she seems to try to control me and tell me how I should be or what I should think too much. I feel stressed with Tanya, always under pressure. With Izzy, I feel very relaxed, with no expectations being put on me other than to be myself. Does that make sense?"

"Sure, Izzy appreciates you for the asshole you really are and Tanya wants you to be a better man. Sure, total sense."

"Do you guys want something to eat and drink?" asked Tanya coming back from the weeds. We were both famished and proceeded to devour the sandwiches and wash them down with cold beer. When we were done we all laid back and enjoyed the beautiful sunny day. Tanya rested her head on my flat stomach and we soon heard Jason snoring away. When we were sure Jason was sound asleep, Tanya took my hand and led me a safe distance away.

"I know you've been "friendly" with that girl I saw at our race and I just want you to know what you're going to miss out on if you continue with that friendship." And with that she took her bathing suit off grabbing me and pulling me down into the sand.

"Wait, where's your diaphragm? Don't you want protection?" I suddenly felt like something was missing and realized that we hadn't put the diaphragm in and we were about to have sex without it.

"No, we'll be ok this time. Besides I don't need sand getting into me in that way." I didn't give it much thought, I wasn't going to argue now so we proceeded without it.

When we were finished Tanya whispered; "I love you Kevin."

"I love you too," I replied and immediately thought of Izzy. What was wrong with me, how could I say this to her when the truth was I was in love with Izzy? The truth was that I didn't want to hurt Tanya and at this very moment the easy route was to lie, so that was the route I took. Tanya nuzzled her face into my neck and I felt her light kisses as she sighed and hugged me tight. I could hear Jason now when I told him what had happened; telling me what a chump I was and that Tanya didn't deserve to be treated like that. I pushed the thought out of my mind, I deserved this as much as anyone.

After a short sun drenched and sandy nap we went back to where we'd left Jason sleeping. Tanya walked back slowly adjusting her bathing suit making a show of brushing the sand out of her butt. "Nice guys, leave me here to get burnt with the sand crabs nipping at me and go off to have your fun, real nice." Tanya just laughed, a laugh that told Jason she was proud of being with me and didn't want to hide it.

After a fun filled day of water skiing, we decided to hit the local crab shack, "Catching Crabs", for some well-deserved crabs and beer for dinner. "Dude, how's that for appropriate? Remember that infestation of the nasty little white buggers we had at our place?" Jason said, commenting on the name of the place. "As I recall, you were the one that caught them from Calvin?"

"Haha, you're a comedian. I could have sworn it was from Leah" I replied.

"Ahh yes, come to think of it, you may be correct sir."

"Knock it off, you're both disgusting," Tanya said, shaking her head. "Jason, grab the rope and tie it to the dock."

We docked our boat and climbed out to a table looking out over the bay and the fiery orange sunset. The sunset was turning the water golden, making it the perfect back drop to a perfect day. After a few beers, Jason started to talk about Becky, with whom he'd been leading an on again off again relationship for most of the year. The relationship being false because Becky continued to stay with her longtime relationship from home and didn't even pretend that she would ever consider ending the relationship. At least with Izzy I felt like there was hope. With Jason, I didn't think there was any hope of Becky leaving her boyfriend. In fact, Becky herself had said so. I felt bad for Jason but didn't want to press the issue since it was obvious that he was in love with her.

"So...I asked Becky to come to Nationals next weekend and she told me that her boyfriend would be in town and that she didn't know how that would go over with him." Jason took a huge swig of beer and continued. "I don't understand what she sees in him. He doesn't treat her well, he never pays attention to her when they're together. She's always complaining about the fact that he never takes her out on dates and that he takes her for granted."

Based on my recent experience, I decided to offer up some advice, "She's probably very comfortable with this guy. It's what she knows and has known for a good part of her life. To leave him would be to risk something that she knows for something unknown and that scares her. She probably doesn't like change either. Maybe you should pull away from her for a bit, distance yourself and see what she does."

"Wow, Kevin, where'd that amazing insight come from?" asked Tanya who was truly surprised. Tanya started to move closer to me, discretely rubbing against me. I tried to slowly move away since I didn't want Jason to feel uncomfortable but was trapped by the wall.

"Yeah well, it's a bit late for that, I told her that I loved her the other night."

"Oh no, what did she say?" asked Tanya.

"She said that she loved me too but that that didn't change things with her boyfriend because she loved him as well and had no plans on leaving him."

"Oh Jason, you shouldn't have told her that. Now she knows that she has you. She has the best of both worlds, old and new. You have no leverage with her at all now." Tanya was trying to help and offer advice but it came out as lame reprimanding, making Jason feel worse. I could tell because he took another huge drink of beer and hung his head low, staring at the table.

I quickly looked around for an out from this downwardly spiraling conversation and spotted it on the wall. "Hey, let's play some darts." Jason and I ended up playing the rest of the night and drinking until we could barely hit the board. We played, making the loser do shots. I was successful in getting his mind off Becky. In fact, by the end, our minds were on very little, other than how to stand up. Tanya tried to interject herself at one point hugging and kissing on me, but I let her know that I was in no mood for public displays of affection right now, so she sat down on a stool and watched us.

Jason and I ended the night on a high note, both passed out and taking turns puking at Tanya's. It was a day for the ages.

Chapter 24 – Nationals

In the week leading up to Nationals I avoided seeing Izzy. We talked and she wished me luck but, in general, we kept our distance. She was still struggling with her indecision and turmoil surrounding Todd and I was trying to stay focused on the race. It rained like a monsoon leading up to the qualifying rounds being held on Thursday. I walked outside and the rain water was rushing down the street like mini rivers. Tanya and I took a walk down to boathouse row to check out the river and huddled under one umbrella using it as a weak shield against the pounding rain. It brought back memories of being little and making little stick boats to float down the sidewalks in the rain. I used to enjoy the rain because it brought on melancholy moods. I would sit on our window seat and just watch it coming down for hours. Watching the droplets race down the window like tears racing down a cheek. Right now, I didn't like the rain so much. I was stressed about the race and my body was tense and ready to explode with pent up power. I felt like if the race was delayed by a week, we'd miss our window of opportunity to achieve what I believed to be our destiny.

I didn't know whether this was a bad omen or not but up until the last minute we weren't sure if the races were going to be held or not. When it rains the rivers get filled up with debris that can severely damage a boat shell so no one can row on a river after a heavy rain. Nationals were being held in Camden New Jersey at the Cooper River which meant that the debris would be less than if we had been racing on the Schuylkill. Finally, late Wednesday we got the word that the races were a go.

When we woke up Thursday morning, the sun was shining bright with not a cloud in the sky. We would have a preliminary race which would then, we assumed, lead to the semi-final on Friday. Since there were 4 preliminary rounds, only three boats from each preliminary were going to qualify for the two semi-finals. Even with the stress of having to be one of three boats in our race to make it through, we were pretty relaxed. We knew the other crews in our race and we felt confident that we could cruise through.

I'd finally gotten some control over my diet and didn't worry too much about the weigh in. As long as I followed my set routine of dehydrating I would be able to make the weight. Leading up to the weigh in we all drained what little liquid remained in our systems in the porto-johns and stripped down to our underwear. Standing in line waiting to be weighed, I noticed Jason closely watching the judges and the rowers doing the weighing. Suddenly he turned to me, "Dude, hang your heels off the back of the scale, the judge isn't paying attention and I think it's saving three to four pounds."

It was my turn. My heart raced as I stepped on the scale and hung my heels off the back. I repeated over and over, don't look down, don't look down. I made the weight! I was even slightly under. The rowers in the boat all clapped me on the back, this was the first race I'd ever rowed that I didn't have to run after the first weigh in to sweat off a few pounds. This was a good sign, the stars were aligning for us.

Sitting in our favorite pre-race breakfast joint, there was a sense of destiny circulating around the rowers that was palpable, like static electricity. Our bodies had all been fine tuned for this very moment, we were all like coiled springs ready to be released. I enjoyed a breakfast of eggs, bacon, pancakes and a big glass of orange juice and leaned back in my seat feeling great.

Heading back to the river, Tanya started to display some signs of stress, which was a first, and concerned me a bit. She was talking about race plans, our competition and strategy so much that I had to tell her to shut it. She was starting to stress me out as well. Our instructions from coach were to jump in front right away and then cruise, it didn't matter whether we got first, second or third we just needed to qualify.

The river was running fast, which meant that this would be a very fast race, it also meant that we had to keep our slide rates more controlled to take full advantage of the flow of the river. Before I knew it, we were at the start line with the judge firing the starting gun. We executed coaches plan perfectly and were soon cruising easily in front. At the 1000 meter mark, we had open water on the other boats and Tanya called for us to slow down the slide and ease off a bit on the pressure.

Suddenly the blade of my oar hit a buoy. Race courses are lined with buoy's to keep the boats in their lanes for the race. The buoys are orange plastic bubbles attached to lines that are attached to anchors. Getting an oar caught in the rope of a buoy will throw the timing of the boat completely off. I felt Tanya quickly steer the starboard side of the boat away from the buoys and we relaxed. Now, the port side hit the buoys on their side! This time there were some yells from the port side rowers to get away from the buoys. We were still in first and were approaching the 500 meters left to go mark but we no longer had open water on the other boats.

Tanya called a power ten to get us settled and to pick up the pace a bit. We started to pull away again when, once again, the starboard side hit the buoys! This time, some of us got our oars stuck in the ropes, which caused the boat to lurch sideways slightly. Now two of the other boats were upon us and I panicked and screamed, "Get this fucking boat going straight before we lose this race!" This time Tanya was able to keep us going straight enough through the end of the race to allow us to finish third, just enough to qualify for the semi-finals.

I was worked up and as soon as we got our boat off the river and into the rack I steamed over to Tanya and proceeded to berate her. "What the hell did you think you were doing out there? We were like a pinball bouncing between the fucking buoys!"

"I know, I got nervous. Port was starting to pull starboard around a little so I started to over steer the boat." Tanya replied sheepishly, hanging her head. The port and starboard sides in our boat were very close in strength but starboard tended to be ever so slightly stronger, so Tanya had turned the rudder against starboard to compensate for what she felt like the boat heading too far to port and in so doing had over steered.

Jason tried to pull me away, "Come on Kevin, leave her alone."

"If you steer like that tomorrow or in the final we're going to lose! You'd better get control of yourself! God damn, I can't believe you just did that to us. We might as well.."

"Kevin! Get the fuck away from her and go relax!" yelled coach while grabbing Tanya by the shoulders, steering her away from me as she started to cry.

The crying only made me angrier and I let loose one more time before I walked away, "Crying isn't going to fix this, the only thing that's going to fix your problem is to stop over thinking everything and just do your job!" Coach turned quickly and glared at me telling me with his look that I was pushing it and walked away with Tanya.

I walked over to where Jason was sitting and sat down. "Dude you were nasty, she didn't deserve that."

"What do you mean she didn't deserve it? We did our job and she fucking does everything she can to make us lose that race. How hard can it be to fucking steer a boat?"

"I'm sure it's a bit harder than you think. She was nervous, give her a break. We can be nervous and direct it through the oar, she can't be nervous. She's a good cox, give her a chance."

"Whatever man." I was still fuming and not willing to give her a break yet.

That night Tanya and I went to dinner and attempted to make up with each other over a big bowl of pasta. I was still mad at her but apologized for my reaction and embarrassing her in front of everyone.

"Kevin you really need to learn to control your rages. You scare people with it. Maybe you need to see someone to talk through the root cause of the anger. I've never met someone that had so much rage in them."

"Ok, enough with the rage, I get you," I said through a mouthful of pasta while glaring at her.

"Do you? You haven't changed all Summer and I've tried to help you but nothing has made a difference. What do you think is causing it?"

"I don't know, maybe a certain girlfriend who thinks she knows it all."

"Oh, joke away but this is serious, I really think that you have a problem. I care about you and I want to see you happy. How can you live your life angry all the time? I don't know if I could ever be with someone long term that was always so angry and mad at the world."

"Ok ok, that's enough, you aren't free from issues either honey." I was exhausted and didn't want to get into this. Thankfully, Tanya got the point and we ate the rest of our meal in silence.

Back at home, Calvin was sitting on the couch with what looked like a half empty bottle of cheap Vodka and pizza slices in various stages of being eaten next to him. He was laying on the couch, half watching some crappy movie that had people running around in loin clothes in what looked like some kind of jungle setting.

Calvin sat up when we came in. "Hey bitches!" he said, taking a swig of vodka and falling back into the couch.

"Hey, what are you doing? You're a mess and you've had what appears to be plenty to drink," I said and went to grab the bottle from him.

"Fuck you bee-yach, you don't own me."

Tanya whispered to me that she was going to bed and left Calvin to me.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing other than I saw that asshole Steve today with his new boyfriend. He walked by me on the street and pretended not to know me. As they walked by, I caught a piece of their conversation. Steve was commenting on a used up queen, while looking directly at me and laughing. I don't mind that he pretended not to know me, but to disrespect me is something I just can't deal with."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing, I was too upset and surprised. I just walked away, staring at the sidewalk. I hate him so much for who he is and what he did to me."

"Well, I can't say I didn't tell you what he was all about."

"I know, I didn't want to hear it. You know he was the first person that I ever felt like I loved. He played me like a fiddle. I don't even know if any bit of truth ever came out of his mouth."

"Yeah ,well, you're not with him anymore, thank God."

"You know, I always hoped, deep down, that you were gay and that I'd be your first when you realized it. I know you're not but that's always been my hope. You're my best friend and I love you and I hoped I could share that part of myself with you someday," Calvin slurred out and started to tear up as he said this.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat not knowing what to say. I cleared my throat, "Uh yeah well, umm, I appreciate the thought?"

"Don't worry, you're not even my type and I'm not going to jump you in your bed tonight. I just wanted you to know that, since I'm sharing."

"Ok, yeah, I flashed on you, me, and Tanya in a threesome and it scared me. I was trying to figure out how I was going to warn Tanya in case you decided to jump me tonight. I guess your type is more of the prematurely balding, womanly hipped lying asshole type, right?" I said, describing Steve, and we both laughed.

When I climbed in bed, Tanya wanted to know what we had talked about but all I wanted to do was make Calvin's confession go away by having sex with Tanya. She easily gave in, dropping any attempt at conversing, and we had extremely passionate sex which confirmed, in my simple mind, that I wasn't giving off gay signals that had made Calvin confess his dream. I fell asleep, shuddering, as I thought about Calvin looking at me in a sexual way.

The next day, at the semi-finals, the plan was the same as it had been in the pre-lims, to take it as easy as possible, just to be one of three boats from our heat that would qualify for the finals. We'd go out at a fast enough rate to get in the lead and then shut it down enough to make the finals and that was all. We needed to conserve as much energy as possible for the next day. So far, we hadn't been in a heat against either of the National team boats but had heard that they'd both easily cruised in their heats to wins. In our semi-final heat we would get a chance to see the National team B boat. Even though they weren't as good as the A boat, it would give us some idea of what we would be up against.

At the sound of the starting gun, we once again executed perfectly and just like yesterday we were soon cruising, easily in first place. At the 500 meters to go mark, we did a power ten just to keep warm and in case any of the other boats were thinking of making a last ditch run at the line. In the middle of the power ten Ken our stroke rower hit a log with his oar. The log was floating in the river left over from the heavy rain. As he hit the log he caught a monster crab driving his oar back at his body so hard that he had to duck, letting the oar fly over his body and behind him. As a result of trying to control his oar and the pressure he applied against the motion of the boat in an attempt to remain in time with the rest of the boat, his seat jumped off the tracks, similar to a train derailing, turning our boat slightly sideways and stopping us dead in the water. In a boat, every seat sits on wheels which are in turn attached to metal tracks allowing the seat to slide forward and back with the rowing motion.

In a panic, Ken quickly put his seat back into the tracks and Tanya got us straight and rowing again. We'd lost some ground but were still in the lead, but not by much. We quickly picked up the pace with a power ten called by Tanya. Once again, Ken caught a huge crab and in doing so we all noticed that his seat had jumped the tracks again, his wheels had been bent by the collision with the log, they were crooked and were going to continue to jump the tracks. Tanya started to panic. We couldn't row with seven rowers because the balance and pressure would be uneven but Ken couldn't get his seat back into the tracks.

Jason and I sprang into action yelling for Ken and the seven man to lay their oars flat on the water to keep the boat steady while the rest of us rowed. This time, when we got going we were in third and the fourth place boat was quickly catching up to us. Tanya yelled for full pressure. We all gave it our full strength as we crossed the finish line, just a mere bow ball or arms length ahead of the fourth place boat.

This had obviously not been the plan but coach came up to us and quickly congratulated us on doing what had to be done to qualify. We may not have conserved our energy but, in a way, this was good for us. We'd demonstrated how strong our boat was by qualifying with only six rowers rowing at the finish, which was a tremendous feat. We should not have been able to qualify with six rowers. It was a sign of how strong our boat was, to be able to do this. This demonstration also put fear into our competition that we heard in whispers and pointing while putting our boat back. There was even some trash talking going on as one of the guys from the National team A boat walked by and commented that we wouldn't be able to compete with just six rowers against them tomorrow. We also heard some of the guys from the Potomac boat talking about how we might think that we're great now but just wait until they beat us down tomorrow.

To add to our confidence, Tanya steered a completely straight race all the way down the course. We were pumped and ready.

Chapter 25 – Finals

That night, both Jason and I had a hard time getting to sleep. The adrenaline was pumping and we were ready for the finals, six minutes of guts and then the glory, so we decided to take a walk down to the river to look at the boathouse lights. The water was dead calm reflecting the lights from the houses as if the water was a mirror. I had a hard time telling where the actual houses ended and where the reflection began. We stood there looking out over the water and the lights from the city in the background not saying much, just enjoying the moment. Just as we moved to leave, a wind blew across the water bringing with it the damp smell of night. I could just catch the subtle smell of mustiness coming from the houses mixed with the smell of silt coming off the water. The water rippled causing the reflection of the houses to become distorted and the boat docks all began to rock gently.

Jason and I got up with the dawn and jogged out to the Art museum to warm up our legs and work out the stiffness accumulated over the last two days of racing. Neither one of us said much but we each knew what the other was thinking, that this was a defining moment in our lives and we wanted to savor it.

As we turned around at the top of the Art museum steps looking out over the city, we felt a stiff breeze that caused our loose fitting clothing to flap. The sun shone behind William Penn in a great big orange ball illuminating his "erection". We'd come full circle. I looked at Jason. I was so happy that he'd come back to row and that we'd ended up at this point. We had developed a lasting bond this Summer that would never be undone and this day would be the end to a path that we'd started down back when we'd been freshmen.

"Jase, look, Willie Penn's willy has a hard on for our boat in the finals today."

"Dude, isn't that getting old for you yet?"

"Nope, every time I look at it, it makes me laugh. What was the sculptor thinking when he designed it?" It was going to be a perfect day, even Willy agreed.

The night prior, before going to bed, I'd broken down and called Izzy to invite her to the race and she'd said that she wouldn't miss it for the world. We'd had a good conversation that had ended with her telling me that she'd missed me during the last week. I'd asked her if she'd ended it with Todd yet but she hadn't. Her reasons were the same and I had no patience for the explanation. I was too focused on the race. Calvin and Becky were coming to the race together. Even Lori was coming with some of her friends. Everyone that was important in our lives were coming to see us.

We followed our usual routine of weighing in and breakfast but this time everyone was quiet, each of us was lost in our own personal thoughts about the upcoming race. We all wolfed down our breakfasts not wanting to linger, wanting to be on our own dealing with the pressure and envisioning the race to come.

When we arrived back at the river, all of the groupies, crew parents and friends were set up all along the finishing half of the course. There were team colors flying above tents that contained the team supporters. There was the red white and blue of the National team, the green and white of Dartmouth, the maroon, white and gray of Vespar and many others. The smell of grilling food coming from the tents was permeating the air. I took a deep breath and thought I smelled the earthy crisp smell of steak, the savory wholesome smell of shrimp and the All-American scent of hamburgers. Everyone was talking and drinking and enjoying themselves. All of the boats were being un-racked from the trailers they had come in on. Everywhere there were rowers milling about, all of them long, lean and muscular and ready to kick some ass.

As we got out of the car, I started to pace up and down the course thinking about the race and also looking for Izzy. About ½ hour later she arrived with a friend of hers and my stress seemed to wash away. She smiled and waved. I quickly looked for Tanya and spotted her a ways away talking to Calvin and Becky.

"Hey there you, you look awfully stressed. So this is the big race, huh." Izzy appreciated the importance of the race but she also didn't see why I put so much of my self-worth into it.

"I'm so glad you came, now I know we're going to win."

"If you're glad then I'm glad too." I looked around again for Tanya and noticed that she'd stopped talking to Becky and Calvin and was scanning the crowd probably looking for me.

Izzy noticed as well, "You'd better go before she sees us. Good luck in the race Kevin, I really mean it." And with that she planted a lingering kiss on my cheek. I wanted to grab her and wrap my arms around her giving her the passionate kiss that I very much needed, but restrained myself. There was a gratifying pleasure to the restraint knowing that we would again be together once the issues with Todd and Tanya were sorted out. In denying myself the passion that I felt for Izzy I felt a surge of power flow through my body, I would direct the pent up desire towards the race.

I left Izzy standing there and got caught up thinking about walking away from her and how often we'd been doing that to each other this Summer. From the first night I saw her we'd had a connection and since then we'd acted on it but in the end we'd always ended up walking in opposite directions. She to Todd because of the fear of change. Me to Tanya, rowing and my selfishness of wanting to somehow define myself through rowing. Since meeting Izzy, I'd begun to realize that I didn't need to try to be or do anything that I was not, that I was defined by simply being me. I wasn't ready, though, to give up on rowing, and this race today still held a huge amount of importance in my mind. What I did realize was that I no longer wanted to walk away from Izzy. Just the act of walking away right now, back to Tanya, hurt like I was being forced to eat rocks, which in turn were just sitting in the pit of my stomach grinding against one another.

I walked over to Tanya, "Who were you talking to?" she asked in an accusatory tone.

"No one, I was just walking around."

"I thought I saw you talking to that girl from the races over the 4th of July." Becky started to tsk tsk me in the background and Calvin made vulgar gestures with his hand and mouth, I struggled to hold in the smirk that was slowly creeping over my face.

"Nah, it must not have been me, I was just over there," and I pointed in the opposite direction of Izzy.

"You know what's going to happen if I see that girl here today, don't you?"

"Whatever Tanya, I don't have the fucking energy to do this with you right now." I quickly walked away as I felt my blood boil, an explosion was looming. Thankfully, Tanya didn't follow me. I walked up to Jason who was sitting under a tree and realized that he was sleeping. The fucking guy didn't let anything get under his skin. I looked around and saw Ken talking to a couple of girls. What a fake, pretending to be interested in girls. I watched him for a bit and noticed that while talking, his eyes would stray whenever another rower would walk by, at which point he'd look the rower up and down pausing on his midsection. Fucking poser, I thought, and turned my attention to the other guys. A few of them were milling around like me and a couple others were seated under trees listening to music.

I was ready to get the race over with. My nerves were eating at me, slowly sapping my strength and desire to even row the race. "Ok guys, come, gather round." Ahh, just at the right point, it was time and coach was calling us over for last minute instructions. I craned my neck looking for Izzy before walking over to the group. I caught her eyes and felt my nerves subside.

"Ok guys, this is it. No holding back. Row your race, get in front and stay in front. You guys are the strongest boat out there and I want you to show everyone that. Don't let anyone get any seats on you in this race."

When a boat starts to move on another boat the progress is measured in seats, so when a competing boat's stern is at the stroke that means the other boat has a seat lead. Coach continued, "I want you to listen to Tanya. She knows how to call this race and she has my instructions. Follow Ken, he's going to keep the slide smooth and consistent." Coach looked at Jason and I, "Ready guys? You guys are the engine, pull us to the win. Ok, everyone in here," we all moved into a tight circle with our hands on each other's shoulders, "now go out there and do what I know you can do!" We all whooped it up and went to get our oars.

We lined the oars up in order on the dock with the blades colors pointing up and away from the water. We then went to get the boat and marched in perfect timing to the water gently putting the boat in the water off the dock. We all climbed in and tied our shoes, locked our oars in and off we went. Tanya had us do some power tens and twenties at eighty percent pressure on the way up to the starting line to work out the nerves and get the timing in the boat.

As we made our way up river I looked around at our competition. There was Dartmouth, they were good but shouldn't present much of a problem. We passed the New York Athletic Club boat, again good but not what I'd consider competition. Further up, I could see Potomac. They were very good and could present a problem if we faltered in our plans. As we made our way up to the starting line and started to maneuver the boat to back up to the holder, I looked at the best in the race, the National team A and B boats. We all knew some people that were in these boats. They were made up of rowers that had started the season in a house such as ours but had since been selected to go the National team training camps to train under the coaches that would coach the Olympic team. These rowers were viewed as the best in the country and were selected so that the National team coaches could get a better look at them and select a boat for international competitions.

The B boat, although very good, had already lost a race earlier to Potomac, which is why we knew Potomac was good. The A boat had never lost a race. In fact, they had never been behind in a race, and had made it clear that they weren't planning to start now. The guys in the boat were great and they knew it and made sure everyone else knew it as well. They were all perfect specimens in lightweight rowing, all the same height, weight and strength. They rowed in perfect timing and never crashed their slides or panicked. Coach knew that they were better than any other boat in the race but he also believed, as we did, that, given a perfect race, we could come close to them and possibly beat them.

We back paddled and brought the stern of the boat up to the holder for the start. "Ok guys, I want a power twenty at one hundred percent and then settle. I'll let you know where the other boats are at that point. I don't want to see any of you looking out at the other boats, keep your eyes forward and concentrate on following Ken." This was it, I thought. This is our chance at glory or whatever it was that each of us was hoping for.

Jason leaned forward and started to say, "it don't mean a thing..." and I cut him short, "I hear ya, the last time you used that on us it was a disaster."

"Not this time, I can feel it, we're going to win today," he said.

The starter began to adjust the boats, "Potomac back two feet, National team A, move up a foot!" My legs and arms were at the ready position. My entire body quivered in anticipation of full pressure at the start of the race. My blood was coursing through my body like a runaway freight train. I didn't think I could hold it much longer. A split second before the starter finished adjusting the boats, I took note of the way the water was lapping at the sides of the boat from the wind, it was windy and I hadn't noticed on the way up the river to the start. Which meant Tanya probably had not either.

The race was on! It was a nightmare from the very first stroke, the entire boat was out of sync and it lurched portside, struggling to make forward progress. Tanya hadn't adjusted for the wind and our boat started off pointing slightly to port. It was as if Ken were rowing on his own, none of us could seem to follow him, each of us was rowing our own race. The boat shifted to the starboard side and continued to flounder. Tanya was screaming at us to settle down and follow Ken but we couldn't get it together. I looked towards the shore and saw coach who'd ridden his bike up to the start line screaming instructions to Tanya to have us settle without any power. We finally settled down and the boat began making forward progress. We were now rowing together and smoothly but it hadn't come without a cost, we were in last place. Tanya didn't even have to tell us, we couldn't see any other boat next to us, they all had open water on us.

"Ok guys, we're in last place and we need to change up the plan, I want full pressure until I say otherwise. Think of this race as one continuous power ten! Kevin, Jason, I need you guys now, get us going!" At that we took off straining against the water with our oars. I could see the whirlpools of water sliding off my bending oar blade as I pulled with everything I had.

The pain was beautifully exquisite and I leaned into it, feeling like this was what I deserved, I was relishing it. I felt like I was going to get sick and still I rowed through it. I could hear the perfect click of the oars in the oar locks and the whoosh of the seats as they ran in their tracks. I could hear the groan of every stroke coming from the boat and my teammates. We were in perfect time, the boat didn't rock to the port or starboard. We were cutting a perfect line on top of the water, the boat hissed as it cut a swath through the water. Each stroke was part of a symphony, swish, the seat in the rails, click, the oar in the lock, splash, the oar back splashed entering the water, moan, creak, we pulled with all our might against the water and the riggers, flip, click, the oar exited the water, drip, drip, drip, hiss, the oars and boat glided over the top of the water on its way to another stroke.

We were at the 1500 meter mark to go and still in last place but we'd made up ground on our competition. Tanya screamed so loud that I was sure the other boats could hear her, "ten more strokes and we draw even with NYAC!" That screeching voice! Damn, I knew Tanya and I were done after the Summer and for all the issues we had, it had been a great run. She'd taught me how to make love to a woman and she'd taken all of my shit all Summer. To me she was rowing and rowing was Tanya. I didn't know what I was going to do after the Summer, I only knew that we wouldn't last a month of a long distance relationship. Tanya was beautiful and any guy would be proud to date her, but in the end, she made me feel inadequate. She was always trying to make me a "better" person and with all of my insecurities it was added baggage that I couldn't handle. I think, deep down, Tanya knew this and she probably felt the same way. We were destined to be with each other but only for this particular Summer.

Sweat was flying everywhere. It was coming off in waterfalls from our bodies and as we moved stern to bow it flew in all directions. I'd never put so much physical stress on my body before and I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep it up. I could hear Jason behind me and based on the wheezing noise he was making, I was sure he was feeling the same. I took a quick look at our competition and at the same time Tanya yelled, "NYAC is done, next up Dartmouth, give me a power ten!" I heard a collective exhale of breath from the boat and felt the boat jump in the water. I allowed myself a stray thought, damn, we might have a shot.

We were passing the 1000 meter mark and making up water quickly on our competition. Somehow we were finding it within ourselves to make this a race after the disastrous start. I let my mind stray to Izzy. I needed to be with her, my body and mind both ached for her and yet, I wasn't. It was a conflict that couldn't go on much longer for me. I had no doubts, she was the one for me. If she walked up to me at the finish line and pronounced her undying love, I would never look back. My worry was that she had a character flaw, which was choosing comfort over challenge and change. Could she ever be with someone like me who would be a constant challenge? Was I right for her or was she just right for me? Was I even being fair to her by pressuring her to end it with Todd? All I knew was that I was in love with her and when I was with her I felt like the person that I was meant to be.

"We've got Dartmouth! Ten more strokes and we have the National B boat! I can't believe it, give me everything you have! I can see Potomac and National Team A!" Tanya was practically screeching with excitement. We were at about 750 meters to go and somehow we'd made up amazing amounts of water and were actually competing in this race.

I felt the adrenaline surge through my body like a stimulant and I no longer felt any fatigue. "Fuck this," I yelled, "we're going to win this race!"

"Hell yeah!" I heard Jason yell back to me. The boat surged through the water as we passed the B boat.

Tanya screamed in exhilaration, practically laughing, "let's go, give me all you have!"

I heard Jason straining behind me, man, he had some kind of genetic fault that he could probably work himself to death without knowing it. No one could ever say that he didn't give his all to this race or any other for that matter. He and I had pushed each other all Summer to be better than we would have been alone. With Tanya I knew we wouldn't keep in touch when things changed but with Jason I knew that no matter how our lives changed we'd always remain friends. People would come and go in our lives but we'd always be close. There was never any judging between us, we'd always wanted the best for each other and didn't have any envy if one of us enjoyed success. We were competitive but it was a healthy competition with the result being that both of us ended up better than we would have been without it. Jason understood my personal issues and never tried to convince me that I might need to see a counselor like Tanya did. I pulled harder wanting to win this race for both of us.

My parents had actually made it to the race and I found myself wondering if this was a sign of a turning point for us. Maybe they were going to take an interest in my life and my pursuits. When I'd gone over to Izzy I'd seen them standing there looking like they'd wanted me to come over and introduce Izzy. I'd hesitated because I wasn't prepared for a chilly reception. I didn't think Izzy was ready to deal with that either. I'd simply nodded and waved and felt sad that that was all I could do at the moment. I longed to rush up to them and share my stress and the excitement of the upcoming race. I decided that just by them being here, a step had been taken towards a change.

"500 meters to go! We've got Potomac!" we were up to the three man's seat on Potomac and closing fast. I watched as the Potomac coxswain called off a power ten, they weren't going to give in easily but we all knew they were done. We were all thinking of the National team A boat, Potomac was just a brief memory caught in our wake.

The pain was coming in waves that were crashing over my body, breaking me down with each one, it was all I could do to keep rowing. I pushed on, just another few strokes. I heard Tanya as if from a distance yell for more pressure but in the fog that I was rowing through it didn't really matter, I was giving everything I had as was everyone else in the boat. I was breathing in short painful rasps and my heart rate had to be above 200 beats per minute; my heart seemed to be trying to escape from my chest and at the moment, it felt like it just might.

My mind strayed briefly, trying to escape the pain; Calvin, why did you end up being gay? Or, more accurately, why did you have to be born gay. I loved Calvin and only wanted his life to be a good one. I worried that being gay would just complicate his life and mine for that matter. All of the talk and side remarks from people that I'd ignored ended up to be true. I didn't want to admit it to myself and even now that the truth had been spoken I was still having a hard time. I thought back to all of the times Calvin had hugged me when he was drunk. Had he hoped for a response from me? Had I given one? I didn't want to hurt him and I hated to see him depressed because of Steve. I also hated the thought of him sleeping with random guys and hoped he was careful.

My focus turned back to the race as we passed Potomac and started to gain seats on the National team A boat. I heard Jason yelling behind me for more pressure that we were going to win this race. I knew that if he could, he would pull us across the finish line on his own. The thought made me find just a tiny bit of extra energy to pull just a fraction harder. The boat started to shift slightly in the water as we all started to crash our seats from exhaustion. Tanya yelled for us to settle and to take up the pressure with another power ten. We were at the five man's seat and making up water fast but was there enough water before the finish line? Tanya yelled that we had 250 meters to go, about forty two strokes at the high rate we were rowing at, less than a minute to pass the National team boat and win the race.

I could feel everyone in the boat straining to give what little we had left. We had the advantage now if there was enough water left. When a boat moves up on their competition from behind to close on them it's disheartening to the boat being closed on and the pain becomes harder to handle whereas in the situation we were in, being the boat making the move, the pain seems to dissipate as the adrenaline courses like a red hot tonic taking with it the lactic acid.

The boat was rowing perfectly together like a metronome in motion, stern and bow, stern and bow, it glided on top of the water and at that very moment I knew we were going to win. I started to feel dizzy with the excitement and strain, feeling my body let go of itself. I felt myself rowing but could also see myself as if from outside. I looked at my oar and knew it was in my hand and yet I couldn't feel it as I feathered it out of the water and then went back for the catch. The pain had left my body, sweat was still pouring off me but I couldn't feel it any longer. I could hear my breath still coming in short labored rasps but it no longer burnt. I could taste the metallic taste in my mouth, but it was as if from far away, as if it was someone else's mouth.

Looking down upon myself as if from above, I questioned what was so important about rowing and specifically this race. In the grand scheme of things, what did it really mean? Was I going to be famous? No. In fact, no one outside of this race would even know or understand what it meant to win this race. Even people that I considered friends that weren't here wouldn't really care. It wasn't as if I was about to win the World Series. Hell, I wasn't even going to win a pennant as far as the general populace was concerned. Most people don't even know what rowing is really about, let alone understand the commitment or ability that it takes to achieve what we were about to achieve. The average person, if told that we had won Nationals, would most likely respond with; "Oh really, hey that's great. I knew a guy that rowed in college. He used to have to get up really early for practice, I didn't know how he did it."

To most people, rowing was the sport that you saw on posters framed in office buildings advertising the value of teamwork. It was the sport that such and such insurance company would use in an ad showing a boat in perfect sync, rowing on water that looked like glass, with a setting sun and a bridge in the background when they wanted to communicate the value of a strong team working for you. It was a beautiful sport but not something that anyone spent any time thinking about. It wasn't a real sport, it was just a symbolic sport.

Well, here's what real teamwork could accomplish, assholes! I was back in my body and the pain came back suddenly and in a huge surge as I heard Tanya scream from out of the darkness for a final ten strokes. I stole a quick look and saw that we were dead even with the National team boat. We flew across the finish line as if we were on greased rails and collapsed in the boat from pure exhaustion and the pain of the lactic acid running through our bodies.

Everyone was quiet, there was no announcement being made regarding the winner. The judges announced that they were reviewing the finishing video, it had been too close to call. We waited for what seemed like five or more minutes, all of us laying back in the boat letting the oars just float on top of the water as the boat drifted aimlessly near the dock. There were arms hanging in the water and legs stretched in all directions over the sides of the boat. No one said anything, we were just too fried to do anything other than lay there. As the minutes passed by I felt my heart pound slightly as I allowed myself to wonder if we'd actually won.

Finally the announcer came over the loudspeaker, "In what was the closest race I've ever had to decide, it was literally won by a bow ball, the race goes to..." Our boat erupted in whoops as everyone suddenly came back to life with the announcement that we'd won! We quickly found a burst of energy and rowed our way over to the dock to receive our gold medals.

As we climbed out of the boat onto the dock Jason and I hugged and congratulated one another. As we lowered our heads to accept our medals I noticed that Tanya was quietly crying, with a smile on her face. She was looking at me and the look said it all. We'd done it, we'd accomplished what we'd set out to do this Summer, we'd won Nationals! The look also told me that she knew that once the Summer was over we were over and I felt a slight pang of sadness creep into my joy. I shrugged it off, it was time to throw Tanya into the water.

We threw her higher and further than we'd ever thrown her. We threw her so high that for a moment I wondered if she would be able to surface after entering the water. She did and she climbed out with her shirt clinging to her breasts, her nipples shown with the gold medal pressed in between. Tanya noticed me looking and smiled her knowing smile as she grabbed me around the waist and planted a big kiss on my lips. This was a special moment in our lives and we both wanted it to last.

As we put our oars back I searched the crowd for Izzy and finally found her in a crowd of people close to the water. I caught her eyes and she smiled clapping and mouthing "congratulations" as she turned to leave. I wouldn't see her that night, we'd all planned a huge bash and inviting her would not have been a good idea. We were planning on meeting for a late breakfast the next day anyway.

As I looked back at the water and the sun going down in the background, the light caught briefly on my medal hanging around my neck, it flashed a brief bright golden reflection that I caught in my peripheral vision. This was one of those moments that I'd remember forever, it was perfect.

Chapter 26 – The Bash and the Crash

Becky was the host of the bash. She'd arranged for a caterer and lots of alcohol to be present for our celebration. As soon as Jason and I walked in we were handed beers, like returning warriors. Most of the guys were there, including Ken, who I saw at the other side of the room. He even nodded in my direction and raised his cup as we walked in. The thought of Izzy and a desire to share this with her briefly passed through my mind but I shook it free. I was going to enjoy this night with my crew mates. Coach even stopped by to have a quick beer and to tell us how proud he was of us all.

Tanya was all cleaned up and looking hotter than ever in a tight white shirt and tan shorts. I could still smell her on me from the marathon session of sex we'd had once we got back from the race. She looked in my direction giving me a huge smile.

Jason and I quickly found a spot close to the keg and began to drink as if we were on a mission.

"Dude, how about us? We're some of the best lightweight rowers in the country right now. Would you have thought it when we began?"

"I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how we did it. That was a hell of a race. For a while there I thought we were going to finish last. People that I didn't even know were coming up to me and telling me that that was the most amazing race they'd ever seen," I said, shaking my head and draining most of the cup of beer. I was already starting to feel a buzz coming on from lack of food and the over exertion of the day.

I knew Jason was feeling the same after his next comment to me, "Just take a look at Becky, she's coming around now, I can feel it. She's feeling the unrelenting presence and draw of the Jason. Look now, she's giving me the eye. That means I'll have my way with her tonight." As Jason was talking, I saw who she was really looking at, her boyfriend who was walking through the door.

Jason turned as I turned and his face dropped as he muttered "Fuck me."

"No," I said, "I don't think she will be now." Jason just looked at me with a blank stare, cutting my laugh short. He quickly grabbed the tap and poured himself another cup, slugging it back in one gulp.

Jason walked away mumbling something about finding some weed as I made my way over to Tanya and walking up behind her wrapped my arm lightly around her waist. I gave her a light kiss on the neck as she craned around to give me another on my lips. I think we both knew that after the Canadian Henley, which would be our final race of the season, we would have to go our separate ways. Looking at her, I decided that I would look back on our relationship as something that meant a lot to me.

Tanya must have read my mind because she turned to me still in my arms and said, "You know that no one else will let you do the things that I let you do, don't you? Not even that girl who I keep seeing at our races. I taught you everything and you'll be mine forever no matter what happens." I flushed from embarrassment at her bluntness and possessiveness. Those thoughts had been my private thoughts and she had no right. But at the same time I thrilled at the thought that she felt the same way I did.

After a few more beers and cheers, it was getting late and I noticed that we hadn't seen Jason for a very long time. I started to wonder if he'd left when he stumbled in from the porch barely able to stand. I inhaled deeply as he approached and detected the sweet aroma of pot that preceded him.

"Dude, you should have joined us," he was referring to the supplier of his weed a well-known dealer at school named Chris. "Chris had some awesome stuff, best I've had in years," Jason managed to slur out stumbling so close that I could feel his spittle spray all over my face.

Jason inserted himself between Tanya and I and draped his arms around our shoulders practically allowing his full weight to be supported by us. "Can you guys believe we actually won that race? We beat those fuckers and man did we do it in grand fashion!"

Tanya laughed partially from happiness and partially from anxiousness since Jason was so out of it. "Yo man," I said, "you've had more than enough, how about we go home."

"Fuck that!", Jason yelled looking directly at Becky, "Chris and I are going to get some whores!"

"No, you need to come home with us," I said and tried to steer him to the door.

"Fuck off dude! What are you, my dad?"

I made one last attempt to try and physically remove Jason from the party but by that time Chris had chimed in and both of them together were dead set on heading out in Chris's car to find some whores. I looked at Tanya and Becky who were both almost in tears by this time and gave Jason one last look, "Fuck you Jason, you're a dumb ass and you'll be sorry." And with that Tanya and I turned and left the party.

The next day when I left the apartment to meet Izzy for breakfast Jason was nowhere in sight and I began to worry. We had practice later in the day and if I didn't see him by then then I'd really start to worry.

Izzy looked great, her hair was pulled back and she was in sweats and a t-shirt. She didn't need makeup to look great, she had a natural beauty about her from confidence and an inner glow. Her deep blue eyes seemed to penetrate straight to my soul as she approached.

"I'm really proud of you Kevin. You achieved your goal and in an amazing race. It was so exciting! When I saw you guys starting to pass the other boats I couldn't help but to scream my support. So what now?" Izzy had a way of getting right to the point. In her not so subtle way she was asking me what my life was going to be consumed with now that I'd done what I'd set out to do.

"Well, we still have the Canadian Henley and winning that would be like the icing on the cake. Most of the crews we just beat will be there along with some international teams including, of course, Canada who are always really good. Besides that, I would like to spend more time with you, if you decide that I'm worthy."

Izzy laughed her throaty laugh, "Of course you're worthy silly. But I know what you mean and you have to give me a bit more time to decide what to do about Todd."

It was always the same old thing with her and part of me wondered if I could have Izzy outright, would I still want her as much? I wanted to be with her so badly that I ached. When I looked in her eyes I would get a lump in my throat thinking about how much I loved her. Or did I love the challenge? Only time would tell. "Yeah, well, you'd better do something about him soon. I don't want to wait forever." The Bob Marley song came to mind, "Waiting in Vain", so I quoted, "I don't want to wait in vain for your love."

"Ahh hah, you're a funny guy. Don't worry, I'm not going to make you do that. Speaking of, how's your sex toy, Tanya? When is that going to be over?"

"You say the word and it's over now. Until then, I'm staying with her until after the Henley. As they say, I don't want to rock the boat."

We finished eating and discussing the Henley and what might have happened to Jason last night. At this point I figured he'd be in bed passed out by the time I got back. We left each other with no definitive plans but knowing that neither of us could go more than two days without seeing the other.

Practice came and went that day with no sign of Jason, and boy was coach pissed. He stormed and ranted about responsibility and told me to let Jason in on the fact that seemed to have passed Jason by. He yelled about the Henley and that now was not the time to let up and lose sight of the prize since we might think that winning Nationals was the ultimate goal but that, in reality, the Henley was a bigger race in some respects. The National team was not invited but some of the best international boats would be there.

I went home and tried to call Jason on his cell but got no answer. I started to fume and pace. This was Calvin all over again. I couldn't imagine what might have happened and started to create all kinds of scenarios in my mind like Jason lying somewhere on the side of the road knocked off by that psycho drug dealer Chris. As I was working my mind into a frenzy of grotesque imagery, in walked Jason. I could tell by the look on his face and the slump in his shoulders that whatever had happened, it wasn't good.

Jason fell into the couch heaving a huge sigh and started, "Dude, you won't believe what happened. When Chris and I left I didn't know that he was serious about the whores, I was just trying to make Becky jealous." At this I gave him a questioning look, "I know, I know, I just pissed her off, give me a break, I wasn't in my right mind. He drove us down to Pine Street and started to look for a street walker. When he didn't find one, he decided that we should go to one of those "massage parlors" in Chinatown."

"No, you're kidding! I always wondered about those places!"

"Well, you don't have to wonder anymore. I didn't want to go in but didn't want to sit in the car either so I followed Chris in, figuring that it would be a trip, not planning on doing anything. We walked into the reception room where the hostess sat us down and asked us what we were looking for. Chris told her right out that "Me so horny. Me want massage with happy ending." And yes the jerk said these exact words. I said that I just wanted to wait in the lobby for Chris and she clucked her tongue at me, grabbing Chris by the arm and steering him into one of the rooms. By this time, I was really tired and I started to nod off. The next thing I know..."

"Hold on, give me some details, were the "massage therapists" good looking?" I asked.

"They were ok, nothing special. Put it this way, you're not going to take any of them home to introduce them to your mom. Most of them looked used up and had bad teeth. Anyway, I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know there's a bunch of cops filing into the lobby. The receptionist started yelling something in Chinese, Japanese or some kind of nese, and all of the girls are running out of the rooms half naked, like a bunch of ants scurrying out of an anthill that had suddenly been stepped on. By the time I was able to shake myself out of my stupor, one of the cops had already grabbed my arm and told me that I was coming with him. I was able to get one glance back before being led out the door and saw Chris being led out of one of the rooms with his shirt in his hands."

"No way, I can't believe this, it's like something out of the movies. I can't believe you guys actually went there!"

"Well, it gets even better. It turns out that the idiot Chris had been snorting coke off the "therapists" breasts when the place got raided. So, not only did they get him on solicitation but they also got him on possession. He's got no hope of getting out of this one, even with his Dad's help." Chris had a father with a lot of money and seemed to always get out of trouble with his Daddy's help.

"It turns out that I'm probably not going to get into any trouble."

"That's great! So why are you so down?"

"Other than the fact that I spent the night in jail? I have to go to an arraignment hearing and can't leave the state until then."

"Yeah, so?" I started to say, and then it hit me. "You mean?" I looked at Jason enquiringly.

"Yup, no Canadian Henley for me," he said this as he slumped all the way down into the couch closing his eyes and letting it sink in.

I got pissed and yelled, "You're such a dumb ass! I told you not to go!" I was suddenly furious with the realization that we had just lost our strongest port rower in the boat. To replace Jason now with someone as strong that could row as well with the rest of the boat was virtually impossible.

"Don't you think I already feel bad enough? I don't need to listen to your crap." And with that Jason got up and walked to his room and shut the door on me and our chances at winning in Canada.

Chapter 27 – Reality

Coach broke the news to all of us by telling us that not only was Jason out of the boat but that Ken had suddenly quit the team using some lame excuse about having to work. This was a disaster, we had just lost our two strongest port rowers. Coach quickly replaced both Ken and Jason with two guys from our B boat and we got out on the river for practice. Everyone in the boat was down and it showed, practice was quiet and the boat had no snap during the power pieces.

Practice couldn't end soon enough for me and as soon as the boat was racked, I quickly snuck out the door not wanting to talk to anyone, including Tanya. I could just hear her lecture about how we'd warned Jason and I just didn't want to deal with it.

I avoided Jason in the apartment and headed to work where I'd see Calvin who had, again, been strangely absent from our apartment during the past week. At least at the store I could hang with Calvin and Sheryl and try to forget about the events of the weekend.

I knew something was wrong as soon as I entered the store. Everyone was clustered in a group behind the counter and whispering. I looked for Sheryl, who never went behind the counter and didn't see her. Damn, I thought, now I have to go behind the counter and pretend to be social when I have no desire to be.

"Hey guys, what's up?" I put on my stupid looking red store smock and looked at Calvin.

"Kevin, Sheryl killed herself last night."

"Nooo, what, who...how?" I stammered all at once. My heart started to beat erratically and confusion swirled in my head making me dizzy, so I leaned on the counter to keep myself steady.

I thought about all of the times Calvin and I had hung out with Sheryl. She was always dark, but that was her style. I tried to remember the last time I'd seen her and what I'd said to her but couldn't. It had probably been some stupid conversation about my anxiety over the upcoming race and how I felt that it was my destiny. How's that for a kick in the ass I thought, here I was all consumed with my own petty life and Sheryl was going through things that were so heavy that she couldn't carry the load any longer.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because the stupid medal didn't mean anything. Because I'd spent the Summer with someone that only meant sex to me while the person I really wanted to be with was waiting for me to step up and really show her that I wanted to commit to her. Because Sheryl had listened to all of my bullshit and never said a word. Because here I was frittering away precious time with people and doing things that didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. What really mattered was the people that I affected and meant something to and how I treated them. Life was short and the imprints that each of us makes on one another can last a lifetime and in Sheryl's case, it was a short lifetime that left very little prints, if any at all. I hadn't really gotten to know her. She was the fun person at work that I sometimes joked with and hung out with, nothing more. I wondered who she'd meant a lot to and who had really known her. I hoped that there were people in her life with more substance than me. I found myself wondering if there was something that either Calvin or I could have done, but in the end neither one of us knew much about Sheryl outside of the little parts of her life that she allowed us to share in the brief time that we spent with her.

It seems that Sheryl had been dating someone that she had fallen in love with. When this girl ended her relationship with Sheryl to go out with a man, Sheryl had not been able to handle it and had killed herself. She didn't leave a note, she just did it quietly, on her own in her apartment where she was found by her mother the next day, who'd stopped over for their regular brunch date. The loneliness of the scene upset me and I tried to push it out of my mind. I pictured Sheryl all by herself, crying and not having anyone to talk to. Feeling the sadness in the fact that she'd never find someone to share this love that she had inside of her ever again. I felt the darkness and despair that must have enveloped her and what must have felt like absolute clarity and lightness of being once she'd made the ultimate decision.

Sheryl had never displayed signs of being suicidal. She'd never taken any anti-depressants and had never hinted at suicide prior to last night. What I did know about Sheryl was that she never minced words, right down to the end Sheryl always said and did exactly what she meant, which is what I always liked about her, her passion and directness.

Rich let us all go home, at which point, Calvin and I headed to the closest bar. After about 5 shots and beers to match, Calvin and I finally started to talk. Neither of us wanted to talk about Sheryl so the conversation centered on Jason, rowing and finally it got around to where Calvin had been hiding lately.

"So, where you been hiding lately, butt muncher?" Both of us were ripped by now so neither of us hid our predisposition for stereotyping one another.

"Why should I tell you, fucking breeder?"

"To be honest, I really don't give a shit, I'm just trying to fill the void, so if you've been trawling for men down at the train tracks, spare me the details."

"Fuck you, cunt! For your information, I haven't ever been down there."

"Ok, if you say so, butt boy."

"Seriously," Calvin slurred, "I've been wanting to tell you that I'm back with Steve."

My mouth hit the floor. I dropped my head into my hands and rubbed slowly up and down trying to get a grip on how to react. "I can't take this, am I living in some kind of bizarro world?"

I looked around me, expecting the bizarro superman to swoop out of the sky and shoot blue lasers out of his eyes or to see the room start to melt into a black void while I stood on the sole piece of land in the nothingness.

"Are you kidding me you dumb ass? Didn't you learn your lesson? He's an asshole loser that used you and then cheated on you! He lies and manipulates to get what he wants and he's just an all-round fuck wad!"

"Well...now you know why I've been hiding. I knew you would react this way and that's why I've been discreetly absent. I can't tell you what you want to hear other than I believe that he's changed. He came over one night crying and telling me that he loved me and that he was sorry. He confessed to everything, lying, cheating and all. He said he wanted to change and that he wanted me to help him be a better person." As Calvin said this his head dipped in embarrassment in an attempt to avoid looking directly at me.

"You know what?" I yelled, "You deserve what you get you dumb ass!" I slammed down my drink so hard that the beer flew out and splashed Calvin. "I can't take this, you're on your own."

As I left, I gave one last backwards look at Calvin who just sat on the bar stool, not looking at anything but his beer. I knew where I was headed, I needed to see Izzy. By the time I got to Izzy's it was almost midnight and it was obvious she'd been asleep. She answered the door wiping the sleep from her eyes. "Oh geez, Kevin, what are you doing here?"

"I really needed to see you, it feels like my world is ending and I didn't have anywhere else to go. Can I come in?" I moved forward to move past her into her apartment but Izzy blocked my path.

"Do you know how late it is? Todd's here, you can't come in."

I didn't say anything, this was it. Everything was crashing down about me like the fall of Babel and this was the final blow, the hand of God. I was going to cry and I turned to go, not saying a word and not wanting Izzy to see me cry.

"Hold on a minute Kevin, what's wrong? You can't come here in the middle of the night thinking that I'm going to be alone. I have a life outside of what you are aware of or should I say what you will acknowledge." Izzy shut the door behind her, "Now tell me what's wrong."

"I can't, not now, I just wanted to curl up with you in bed and forget this weekend ever happened. I'll talk to you tomorrow, ok? I'm sorry I came over and disturbed you."

"Kevin, you know I love you don't you?"

I couldn't even answer, the tears were welling up in my eyes as I turned quickly and left. I heard Izzy's door shut and I wanted to know if she was watching me go but I couldn't turn to look for fear that she wasn't.

The wind was kicking up in the trees and the smell of rain was in the air. It was a fresh scent a scent that usually meant new beginnings but I felt as if it was all ending. I heard my cell ring again, it was Tanya. She'd been trying to reach me all night but I didn't want to talk to her, I didn't really want to talk to anyone but Izzy.

As the tears silently rolled down my cheeks it started to rain and I really started to cry. The rain mixed with my tears and ran into my mouth making the drops taste like salt. The wind whipped the trees as if beckoning to me, it's time to move on, there's something else out there for you. At the time, I didn't understand. I felt empty, nothing ever satisfied me. My thoughts led me to the idea that maybe I should go somewhere else, maybe California and become a surf bum. What I would later realize is that it was time for me to move on from looking for something to justify my existence and to just be. It's what Izzy would always tell me, "Make sure you stop and smell the roses Kevin." I was always chasing something and once I'd attained my goal it was never satisfying, I would be forever looking for the next goal, never ever being satisfied with the moment. In fact, every time I'd achieve a goal that I'd set my sights on it was completely unsatisfying. I needed to learn to enjoy the trip and all the stops along the way.

Chapter 28 – It Don't Mean a Thing if it Ain't got that Swing

During the weeks leading up to the Henley, Sheryl's funeral came and went without my presence. Calvin tried to get me to go but it was easier for me to deal with by not attending. For me the avoidance was better than facing the fact that someone I barely knew but spent time with decided to end her life inexplicably. Jason and I found that without rowing we didn't have much to talk about. We were used to the conversation being centered on rowing and were having a difficult time adjusting to not having that in common any longer. I was still mad at him for his stupidity and he was mad at me for being angry since it was his problem not mine.

Without Ken and Jason, the boats balance of power has shifted completely starboard. After one particularly bad practice Tanya confessed to me that she had to keep the rudder turned completely against the starboard side when we're at full pressure to keep the boat going straight. This wasn't a good sign since there was no way we could win with the rudder turned against one side of the boat. In my anger and frustration I took to lashing out at the guys in the boat yelling and cursing when we are rowing power pieces. I come up short of telling them about the rudder though.

One day, Calvin came home from work to find me just lying on the couch staring at the ceiling. "You have to get over yourself, you're such as lazy asshole not to mention a vain loser who's only thinking about himself. What's wrong with you?"

"I don't know, and if I did I wouldn't tell you anyway, ass licker."

"Don't get your panties all in a bunch. If you're not happy, then change something. Get your lazy ass off the couch and do something, you're stench is festering all over the apartment."

"Yeah, you're thinking a bit too much about my lazy ass if you ask me."

"That's old and tired, get over it, get a new line," said Calvin with an exasperated sneer in his voice.

I just shrugged and slowly got off the couch and moved to my bed laughing a sarcastic laugh and giving Calvin a sideways glance that told him to watch it as I walked out of the room but I didn't really have the energy to do anything about it anyway and Calvin knew it.

Tanya and I decided to camp up in Canada before the Henley, so we rented an RV for the ride up. The trip was uneventful and once we got there we set out getting our camp ready. It was actually kind of fun. Tanya and I had been getting along really well for the past couple of weeks. It was probably due to our confiding in one another, she told me of her nightmares about the boat and the starboard side being too strong and I talked to her about Calvin and Jason and how sad I was about them both.

It was peaceful being away from it all, just grilling, hanging out and pretending like we were on our own with no worries. The night before our races Tanya and I played on the swing set that was in the campground. I swung as high as I could thinking that maybe I could launch myself into space away from all the shit, feeling like a kid again with no cares.

There were other rowers in the campground and Tanya made her way over to talk to some of the guys from the Potomac crew. I could hear her part of her conversation as she laughed and told them that I was her five man and the power of the boat. She really did love me, I swung higher, did I deserve it? Probably not, but right now I needed it.

The night was perfect and as we lay down in the RV Tanya pulled out her diaphragm that she had taken from my sock drawer.

"Hey, I didn't know you took that! How'd you get that without my seeing you?"

"I have my ways, you don't know everything Kevin."

"That's my diaphragm you know. When you go back to school, it's staying in my sock drawer. I don't want you using it with anyone else."

"Uh huh, whatever you say, keep telling yourself that. Help me get it in." I felt a quick pang of hurt from her reaction. I'd hoped for a bit more agreement, maybe something like, "Yes, this is our diaphragm and I'll never use it with another person," not the nonchalant answer I'd gotten. The sex was cold and distant as if a chapter was closing and we were both doing our duty. Tanya as usual yelled out instructions" Move faster, now slower, rock this way, now that, hold, hold, I'm coming! But for some reason it didn't bother me like it usually did. I lay awake listening to the chirping of the crickets thinking that it would be nice to stay in this campground forever just not with Tanya. It was Izzy that I wanted.

In the morning once we were packed up I ran to the course in full sweats just to make sure I'd make the weight. I felt great, there was no fatigue in my legs and there was a bounce in my step, not typical for me while running. Damn, this was a good day, the air was clean and crisp, it was Canadian air, unlike the stench of trash and water that smelled like decaying fish that I was used to in Philly.

I made the weight without a problem and proceeded to walk around and enjoy the day. It was sunny with a few fluffy clouds in the sky and a light breeze. We had a few hours before our race so I found a tree to sit under and watch the races coming down the river. The crew team colors were all waving in the breeze flying on flags above tents. The course was in St. Catherine's, Canada and had much better seating than I was used to. The venue had a completely covered grandstand with an announcer's box at the finish line. The grandstands were completely full, which was another surprise seeing so many spectators that were actually interested in the race and not just getting drunk.

I sat back with my eyes half closed and enjoyed the moment. I was sorry Jason couldn't be here. If he had been, I'd feel much more confident going into the race. The night before, Tanya had been yelling in her sleep that starboard was pulling around on port which reminded me that if that happened in the race we'd have no chance. Coach had shifted the rowing positions and rigged the boat to have a starboard stroke rower hoping to minimize the impact of the power difference but so far, in practice the change had little effect on the boat.

I thought of Izzy. I'd already decided that I was going to end things with Tanya but not until after the race. It was a symbolic gesture since we both knew that we were done. I felt a little anxious imagining telling Izzy, wondering what her reaction would be. I was willing to put myself out there and was hoping that she would do the same. In the end it really didn't matter, I wanted Izzy to see that I was willing to take the risk even when I couldn't control the outcome. My heart was telling me that this was what she'd been waiting most of the Summer for me to do.

Out of my mind's wanderings I heard coach calling our boat over for the pre-race instructions. Before I opened my eyes, I thought of the song by Public Image Limited, "Warrior", that I'd been playing over and over in the car to Tanya's chagrin.

"Some of us wake up

Others roll over

I'm a warrior

I take no prisoner"

Ok, I thought and heaved a great sigh, I'm a warrior, let's get this over with.

As we rowed up to the start, the boat actually felt smooth on the water and I began to have a pang of hope that we could actually pull this off. Tanya called a few power pieces to get us warmed up and by the top of the river the sweat had started to flow and the excitement was pumping.

The boat started off well and by the 1500 meters to go mark we were in first place. At the half way point we were still in first but Potomac had started to make up ground on us. Tanya called off a power ten but nothing happened. It was as if we had no power in the boat. Right then I knew that the rudder was turned against starboard and had been the entire race. We'd just been good enough to hide it up to this point. With the rudder turned against the strong side of the boat we had no snap and couldn't get the boat to respond to our power. With 500 meters to go Potomac had drawn even with us and the race was all but over. Tanya screamed for a power twenty this time but nothing happened, the boat didn't respond, it felt like we were rowing in sludge.

At a certain point in a race, every rower gets the sick feeling in their stomach. A feeling that says, I don't want to go through this pain any longer and it's up to the rower to fight back the desire to ease up and push through the wall of sickness. At the 500 meters to go mark, I began to feel the sickness in my stomach and my head started to tell me that it was time to ease up just a little. I glanced at Potomac who was moving away from us with every stroke and decided then and there that it was time to ease up a bit.

We rowed to the dock to receive our silver medals. It was a somber boat that climbed out on the deck, with our heads down to get the second place medals draped around our necks. Tanya wouldn't be thrown in the river this time, the season was over. I looked at my crew mates, each of us would be going back to school soon and would, most likely, not ever be in the same place all at once again. Jason was missing from the group, which made me sad and happy at the same time. Sad because it would have been nice to share one last race with him. I'd already decided that I would be rowing for Temple in the Fall and Jason had decided to work to help supplement his tuition, therefore, he wouldn't be rowing at all. I was happy because if he'd been here and we'd lost it would have seemed like a poor ending to what had been a very special Summer for the two of us, it was a path we'd started down, what seemed like, long ago at Drexel when we'd been inexperienced freshman rowing hacks.

Tanya and I packed up the camper quietly, not really wanting to talk about the race. It was over anyway, what was there to talk about? We took a walk down by the river before heading out.

Tanya broke the silence, "Kevin, you know I love ya, right?" I hated the way she said "ya", sounding like a buddy or something and we'd never have been buddies without the sex.

"What's your point?" I said sounding much more irritated than I'd meant to.

Tanya ignored the irritation in my voice and continued, "I've really enjoyed spending time with you this Summer, but I don't think we can work as a long distance relationship. I'm going to be thousands of miles away and don't want to feel like someone is waiting on me or expecting something from me that I can't provide. Do you understand?"

What the fuck was this? The plan was that I was going to be the one consoling her after I'd told her that I wanted to end it. She was supposed to want the relationship, regardless of the distance. After all, wasn't she in love with me? I'd had daydreams of her sitting in her room alone studying every night counting the days until we'd see each other again. All the thoughts of her knowing that things were over were just rationalizations. In reality, I'd hoped that my ending it with her would break her down to a crying mess.

I started to cry and it wasn't silent crying either, I was sobbing. I didn't know why, all I knew was that it felt good. I felt a huge release and it just made me sob harder. Tanya took it that I was totally crushed, and maybe it was partially that, so she hugged me tightly patting me on the head like I was a little kid. It felt wonderful, I was letting it all go, it was over. All of it, the stress of nationals, relationships that weren't meant to be, working at the store, worrying about Calvin, being someone that I wasn't, it was all done. When I was finished, I still had the convulsions from all the sobbing but I felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Tanya let me go and I stood back from her and smiled.

I shook my head vigorously, moving the shake down to my shoulders, arms and legs, expelling all my breath, "Damn, that felt good!"

"Don't worry, it will hurt for a while but with time you'll get over me." She didn't understand but I just nodded in agreement, it didn't matter.

I took note of a strange weight around my neck and looked down to see the medal that I'd forgotten bouncing against my skeleton like ribs.

"Fuck this thing, I don't need it and it means less than nothing." I yanked it off my head and extended my arm back to throw the medal in the water.

"Kevin, you're upset, don't do that, you'll be sorry!"

I shook my head and smiled, oh but I did need to do it. I stretched my arm back and let the medal fly into the air. I watched as it slowly arched and briefly caught the setting sun before it plunked into the water leaving behind steadily disappearing ripples and then nothing.

"You're such an asshole sometimes," said Tanya shaking her head, "but while we're closing chapters, give me my diaphragm." Tanya held out her hand.

"How did you know I had it?" I'd swiped it while she was packing her suitcase this morning.

"You're not as sneaky as you think, now give it to me."

I thought about it, as far as I was concerned this was my diaphragm and no one else was going to use it with Tanya. I reached into my pocket. "Yeah, I can't find it, you must have it."

"Don't be a jerk, I know you have it, now give it to me."

"Hmm, let me check one more time." Rather than handing it to her I quickly pulled it out of my pocket and threw it into the river laughing as I watched it land in the same place as the medal had.

"There, nice and safe with the shitty silver medal that should have been gold. Now if you want to have sex you'll have to buy another one."

Tanya just shook her head in disgust. "Kevin, you know you're a prick don't you?!"

"It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing, sweetie." I smiled peacefully and reached in my pocket feeling for my cell phone, I wanted to call Izzy and tell her that I was ready to be with her and would wait as long as it took.

About the author:

I would like to thank you for reading my book. Although most of the characters and story is fictional, I was once a rower many years ago. It's a sport that meant a lot to me and helped me become an adult. These days I still enjoy participating in sports, but they are more centered on the sports my kids do. Rowing is no longer a part of my life, but it has a special place in my memories. I hope that one day my children will find an activity that they love as much as I loved rowing.
