>> Jimmy: OUR NEXT GUEST CAN BE 
SEEM PERFORMING ALL OVER THE LOS
ANGELES AREA, MAKING HIS 
TELEVISION DEBUT TONIGHT.
PLEASE WELCOME ISMAEL LOUTFI!
>> HUH, WOW, WOW, GOOD TO SEE 
YOU!
HELLO.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
OKAY.
GOOD, ALL RIGHT.
SO I'M A CUTIE PATOOTIE.
I'M A SWEET YOUNG MAN WITH A 
KIND FACE.
ETHNIC, NOT ETHNIC ENOUGH TO 
DISAPPOINT ANYBODY'S PARENTS.
YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME 
TO SCARE WHITE PEOPLE?
I CAN'T.
I CAN'T DO IT.
I LOOK LIKE THE GUY ON THE COVER
OF EVERY "WELCOME TO COLLEGE" 
BROCHURE.
JUST GIVE ME A BACKPACK AND A 
CARDIGAN.
HI, MY NAME IS NONTHREATENING 
MINORITY.
I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT YOUR 
STATE UNIVERSITY IS BOTH 
INCLUSIVE AND SAFE.
JUST ASK MY BEST FRIENDS, BLACK 
NERD AND ASIAN WHEELCHAIR GIRL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WATCH US RIDE AROUND CAMPUS AND 
FIGHT CRIME, WE'RE SUPERHEROES.
OUR SUPER POWER, WHITE GUILT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M A MUSLIM.
THAT HASN'T BEEN FUN.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED 
THE LAST 16 YEARS HAVE BEEN 
PRETTY STRESSFUL FOR US.
I CAN'T WATCH THE NEWS, JUST THE
WAY THEY TALK ABOUT US IS SO 
DEMEANING, THE BUZZ WORDS, 
TALKING ABOUT MODERATE MUSLIMS.
THAT'S THEIR GO-TO.
I WANT TO SEE ONE MODERATE 
MUS
MUSLIM, SHOW ME ONE MODERATE 
MUSLIM DENOUNCE TERROR.
LIKE, SCREW YOU, DUDE.
WHO CAME UP WITH MODERATE 
MUSLIM?
WHAT AN OBJECTIFYING LABEL TO 
GIVE 1.5 BILLION PEOPLE.
MODERATE MUSLIMS, MILD MUSLIMS, 
YOUR SWEET AND SOUR MUSLIMS, 
YOUR LEMON PEPPER, TERIYAKI.
AND ALSO, WE DO DENOUNCE TERROR 
ALL THE TIME BUT NOBODY PUTS A 
CAMERA ON THAT, NOBODY WANTS TO 
SEE PEOPLE BE MODERATE, THAT'S 
BORING.
YOU WANT TO SEE PEOPLE UP AND 
DOWN AND BE CRAZE.
THE POINT OF THE NEWS SYSTEM IS 
TO SENSATIONALIZE EVERYTHING.
MAKES ME SO MAD.
I JUST WANT TO BLOW STUFF UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
I GET SO ANGRY!
ANYBODY ELSE HAVE THAT INSTINCT 
IN THEIR BLOOD?
I DON'T KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
PROBABLY NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT,
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, IT'S BEEN TENSE.
I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE IT'S 
BEEN A TENSE YEAR EVER SINCE THE
DUDE BECAME THE THING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE GUY WITH THE -- YEAH IT WAS 
WEIRD.
I THINK THAT WAS WEIRD NIGHT FOR
EVERYBODY.
FOR ME, AT THE TIME OF THE 
ELECTION, I WAS ON A ROAD TRIP 
FROM TENNESSEE TO ATLANTA, 
GEORGIA.
AND AS THE ELECTION RESULTS 
BECAME OFFICIAL, AS IT WAS LIKE 
OFFICIAL, DONALD TRUMP WON, IT 
WAS 2:00 A.M., MIDDLE OF THE 
NIGHT, MY CAR DIED.
MY CAR JUST DEAD ON THE SIDE OF 
THE HIGHWAY.
SO I GET OUT OF THE CAR.
I LOOK AT IT FOR NO REASON.
I CALL THE TOW TRUCK COMPANY.
THEY'RE IN A GREAT MOOD.
I'M LIKE, HEY, I'M BROWN AND I'M
STRANDED IN TENNESSEE, I NEED TO
GO TO ATLANTA.
THEY'RE LIKE, DON'T YOU WORRY, 
WE'RE GOING TO SEND HEATH!
HEATH IS GONNA GETCHA!
THAT'S THE SCARIEST WAY YOU 
COULD HAVE SAID THAT BUT NOT 
MUCH I CAN DO ABOUT IT NOW.
HEATH SHOWS UP IN HIS TOW TRUCK.
HEATH IS THIS BIG OLD 
SOUTHERNER, BIG CAMO JACKET, 
CAMO HAT, A BIG BEARD FULL OF 
BRAMBLE AND LEAVES.
I GET IN THE TRUCK.
IT'S A SIX-HOUR JOURNEY BY THE 
WAY.
SIX HOURS THROUGH THE DEEP 
SOUTH.
ALL RIGHT, SO THE FIRST HOUR IS 
JUST COMPLETE SILENCE.
ME AND HEATH ARE JUST -- WHOO.
INTERESTING DAY, OKAY.
AND THEN HEATH STARTS OPENING UP
TO ME, STARTS TALKING.
HE'S LIKE, SO -- WHERE YOU FROM?
I'M LIKE, FLORIDA.
HE'S LIKE, OH, YEAH, SURE, OKAY,
YEP, ALL RIGHT.
I'M LIKE, AND SYRIA.
LIKE, I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO 
HEAR.
YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FLORIDA.
I GET IT, I UNDERSTAND, I KNOW.
I'M COOL WITH IT.
SO I TOLD HIM SYRIA.
AND HE WAS COOL WITH IT.
HE WAS REALLY COOL.
AND I KNOW THAT BECAUSE THEN HE 
STARTED TELLING ME ABOUT HIS 
LIFE.
HE WAS LIKE, I USED TO LIVE IN 
SHANGHAI, CHINA.
I WAS LIKE, OH MY GOD, HEATH.
THAT'S KIND OF COOL.
HE WAS LIKE, YEAH, I LIVED IN 
BEIJING FOR TWO YEARS.
OH MY GOD, BEIJING, WHAT'S THAT 
EVEN ABOUT?
THEN WE JUST STARTED TALKING 
ABOUT CHINA.
WE TALKED ABOUT THE CUISINE, THE
CULTURE, COMMUNISM, THE 
POLLUTION, THE POLL TIBS.
IT FELT GOOD, IT GET LIKE 
AMERICA WAS GOING OKAY, LIKE OUR
CONVERSATION WAS A BAND-AID 
BEING PUT ON THE WOUND LEFT BY 
THAT DIVISIVE ELECTION, RIGHT?
AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERE HE WAS 
LIKE, I DON'T LIKE CHINESE 
PEOPLE.
I'M LIKE, DAMMIT, HEATH, ARE YOU
SERIOUS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU WERE DOING SO GOOD, COME ON,
MAN.
[ APPLAUSE ]
THEN HE LITERALLY GOES, NO, NO, 
I MEAN LIKE ASIANS.
THAT WAS HIS CORRECTION.
HE WENT BIGGER.
WHAT?
NO, I DON'T HATE 1 BILLION 
PEOPLE, I HATE 4 BILLION PEOPLE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HE'S LIKE, THEY'RE SNEAKY.
YOU CAN'T SAY THAT 4 BILLION 
PEOPLE ARE SNEAKY, MAN, COME ON.
PLUS I HAD JUST TOLD HIM THAT 
I'M FROM SYRIA.
SYRIA'S IN ASIA.
I'M AN ASIAN.
BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT AND I 
DIDN'T WANT TO TELL HIM.
SO -- I JUST HELD IT IN FOR FIVE
HOURS.
JUST NOT GOING TO MENTION THAT.
NOW LOOKING BACK ON IT, ME NOT 
TELLING HIM THAT I'M ASIAN, 
PRETTY SNEAKY ASIAN [ BLEEP ].
HE WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF RIGHT 
ABOUT THAT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, BYE-BYE!
APPRECIATE IT!
>> Jimmy: VERY SNEAKY, YOU WER
