

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit

By Bill May

Published by Bill May at Smashwords

Copyright 2016 Bill May

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free ebook. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form.

This book is dedicated to my lovely wife who had the patience to proofread my blog every week, and inadvertently learned things about Star Wars that she never wanted to know.

Love you!

Table of Contents

Day 1

Day 157

Day 466

Day 1,108

Day 1,158

Day 1,185

TATOOINE - Day 1:

I stepped off the ramp and into the cesspool that is Mos Eisley. I did not want to be there. The trip was awful, and I had too much time to think. That little green bastard tricked me into agreeing to take this mission and made me think it was my idea!

The baby stirred in my arms, so I shaded his face from the twin suns. His bottle was almost empty and his diaper count was down to zero. The voyage here was one long poop fest. I've never dry heaved so much in my life. I am a Jedi Knight, not a nursemaid. I should be destroying the Sith instead of wiping miniature asses!

"When you get to Tatooine, directly to the Lars homestead you must take him," were Yoda's last words to me. I had to hurry up and drop the baby off, so I could sit on my ass for the next twenty years babysitting and hoping the kid didn't turn to the dark side.

To speed up the delivery process I rented an Eopie. The ugliest creature you could ever imagine. I would have rented a landspeeder but I didn't have enough credits. Speaking of credits, they are now accepting them on Tatooine. This really would have helped out nearly twenty years ago when my Master attempted to purchase a part for our busted ship. Since they didn't take credits my Master went galavanting around for the next few days trying to figure out ways to get the part needed for the ship. Meanwhile people were dying on Naboo waiting for us to get our asses in gear. But at least he didn't break his Jedi code by stealing the part, he won it fair and square by exploiting a slave child and entering him in a podrace.

Of course we hit a sandstorm as soon as we left the confines of Mos Eisley. I had the baby bundled up like a little space burrito, and nestled within my robe. It took the Eopie hours to trudge through the storm, but we eventually made it.

Owen Lars was already outside, and completely ignored my arrival. He stood with one knee raised, like a douche, and stared at the setting suns. I hoped he'd go blind. I knew this man would be trouble.

Then Beru Lars came out to greet us. What a babe! She smiled at me in such a way that I felt it in my lightsaber. As I handed the baby over to her she rubbed her finger between mine, back and forth, only for a moment. Then she said under her breath, "Visit any time." She took the baby to Owen, who appeared completely indifferent. Dick.

I rode off into the night. With no shelter, I spent that first night exposed to the elements. I had a fire to keep warm, stars so I could see, and a rented Eopie to fill my belly. Needless to say, I lost my deposit.

TATOOINE - Day 14:

Sand, sand, and more sand. Tatooine sucks. Been here for two weeks and I've already had enough. I bet Yoda is living it up on some exotic planet, while I'm here picking sand out of all my crevices. I met with the Lars couple a few times. The Skywalker baby appears happy enough, but that Owen character is a grumpy a-hole. And his wife Beru is overly friendly with me, if you know what I mean. They must not entertain guests much because all they offer me to drink is this awful blue milk which gives me diarrhea. I swear, a few more weeks of this and I'll be going after Vader myself.

TATOOINE - Day 72:

I got to hold the baby today. He was quiet in my arms. When Owen took him away Luke cried and puked all over him. Beru chuckled, then placed her hand on my knee. I could sense the anger swelling in Owen. More blue milk was served. What animal does this swill even come from, and why does Beru insist on trying to get me to drink it? Owen complained about the Sand People messing with his vaporators. "Sand People," really?! What a racist bastard. I would never use that derogatory term. Then I made the mistake of mentioning Luke's training when he got older. Owen said I already created one monster, he wouldn't allow me to create another. I had to leave the Lars homestead before I went all Sith on his ass. I keep having the feeling that Yoda, as well as baby Leia, got the better end of this deal.

TATOOINE - Day 91:

Banthas!!! That's where blue milk comes from, banthas. Filthy beasts. Have you ever smelled a bantha?! Imagine a dozen dead womp rats rotting under the twin suns of Tatooine for a week or so. A rancor comes along and eats these rancid corpses and when it defecates them out this is what a bantha smells like! Lovely.

I discovered the horrible blue milk secret when I approached the Lars homestead and saw Beru milking the wretched beast. When she noticed me she smiled strangely and began milking the bantha in a most unladylike manner. I quickly moved passed her and was met by Owen at the front door. He refused to let me see young Luke, claiming he didn't want to wake him from a much needed nap. So instead we had a heated discussion about my role in the boy's life. I asked if he and his wife planned on adopting Luke and giving him the Lars name. He said "absolutely not." So I reminded him that keeping the Skywalker name would be extremely dangerous for them. He snickered and replied, "Yeah, and Kenobi is a real safe name." I never wanted to force choke someone so badly in my life.

TATOOINE - Day 112:

Since my argument with Owen three weeks ago I haven't seen the Skywalker baby. Lars blames me for Anakin's fate and for his own fate of having to raise the evil Lord Vader's son. I'm finding it ever more difficult to quiet my mind and meditate. So much death and destruction. We were so naive. Sidious was always in control, and we were blind to it. The galaxy is on the brink of total darkness and I played my role in letting it happen, just like everyone on the Council did. And now they're all dead. So I'll live out the rest of my days alone in my hut surrounded by an ocean of sand, banished by a galaxy I helped to destroy. A fitting end to Obi-Wan. Forever more I will be "Ben," protector of a child that could easily join his father on the dark side someday.

Truly depressing. But having had enough of self-pity I decided to set out on foot for the three day trek to Mos Eisley in order to procure some supplies. It was then that I found a jar of blue milk sitting outside my door. It must have been left there by Beru. I believe that she's sweet on me...by default. I'm the only other man that she knows besides her dick husband. So out of a sense of obligation I went back inside and poured myself a glass of the most wretched liquid in the outer rim. I took one sip when I felt the bantha hair floating in my mouth. Spitting it out I poured the rest of the jar out the window and had a chuckle. That little incident lightened my mood and carried me all the way to Mos Eisley.

TATOOINE - Day 118:

My walk to Mos Eisley took three days and was uneventful. I practiced my meditation to keep going day and night. My thoughts controlled my body temperature, keeping me warm in the freezing night and cooling my feet from the scorching sand during the day. Speaking of the sand, I have still not adjusted to its odor. Its foul stench is a cross between a dewback's armpit and the fart of the Sarlaac. Most people are unaware that a Sarlaac passes gas. It is true, you just need to know where to look for the hole. The dust from the sand on Tatooine penetrates your clothing, the pores of your skin, everything. So when I arrived at Mos Eisley I smelled of lizard B.O. and sand farts, but then everyone else did too.

I purchased some supplies for my hut, replacement parts for my water vaporator, and decided to relax with a drink at the Cantina. What a wretched hive of pure ugliness. I mean, it was kind of dark in there, but man were those creatures unattractive. And I'm not talking cute ugly like Yoda, I'm talking F-U-G-L-Y. The band alone had asses for heads, and the others had what looked like disfigured genitalia hanging from their faces. That's when I saw the little bastard. I nearly drew my saber but quickly caught myself. He was palling around with a few of Jabba's goons. Last time I saw him he was a boy, and he had just witnessed his father being decapitated by a now deceased Jedi.

Currently Boba is a pimply faced teen punk, whose arrogance carried all the way across the room. It was just my luck that I'd be stuck on the one planet in the outer rim where someone would recognize me. I toyed with the idea of ending that clone's miserable life, but my duty to protecting Luke stopped me. I slipped out of the Cantina unnoticed by that little brat and headed home. When I reached my hut three days later I found Luke laying on my doorstep. He was fine, but I swore I would kill Owen for leaving the baby exposed like that. That's when I heard a desperate scream coming from over the dunes.

TATOOINE - Day 119:

Yesterday when I arrived back to my hut I found the Skywalker infant abandoned on the doorstep! I then heard a woman's scream coming from just beyond the dunes. It turned out the "woman" was Owen Lars being beaten mercilessly by five Tuskens.

I drew my saber for the first time since I arrived on this sphincter of a planet. While holding the baby under one arm, I sliced and diced three of the Tuskens without breaking a sweat. The fourth got away in Owen's landspeeder, and the fifth one was squatting over Lars choking him with his gloved hands. I felt the dark side wash over me like when you take the first drag of a death stick. I waited longer than I should have before removing the Tusken's head. With my one free hand I began choking Owen myself. There was something about the skin on skin contact that was far more satisfying than a force choke.

"How dare you leave this child out in the elements," I shouted.

He attempted to speak as his eyes began to bulge out of his weathered face. I reluctantly released him, and comforted Luke as Owen got his bearings. He promised me that he had watched Luke from behind the dune as he waited for me to return. Utterly disgusted with the man, I walked away, leaving him sitting in the sand surrounded by a pool of his own filth. I picked up the baby bottle from outside my door and then delicately placed the sleeping Luke on my bed. To my surprise Owen entered my hut behind me.

"You need to burn the bodies of those sand bastards," he said casually.

I asked him why he cared. He said there wasn't a weapon on Tatooine that could sever a limb and cauterize it at the same time. At that moment I wanted to cauterize the hell out of him, but of course he was right. Lightsaber wounds would bring me unnecessary attention. I rummaged through some robes of mine in order to wrap Luke in something. I had only one question that I needed answered from the coward that stood before me.

"Why would you take this child in if you didn't want him?" Owen stared at the floor and had the guilty expression of a youngling who had just gotten caught by Master Yoda giving force wedgies to the other children.

"Because," he began, "I am responsible for the death of that baby's grandmother."

TATOOINE - Day 124:

The Jedi Order taught us not to form attachments and not to hate, for these are the paths to the dark side. Now the Jedi are no more, and my personal path to the dark side is sleeping but a few inches away, snoring and passing gas like an obese tauntaun.

This tent, which might as well be my tomb, has turned into an aromatic nightmare. I swear I can smell everything Owen has eaten over the last week. This man who is slowly suffocating me, and baby Luke, with his diet of bantha burgers, alcohol, and blue milk, once accused me of allowing Anakin to turn to the dark side. And just days ago he abandoned this infant outside in full view of Tuskens, but still he has the nerve to forbid me from training Luke. Owen said he didn't want me to create a second monster. But as I cradle Luke in my arms I silently convey to him that I would give my life before I would allow him to follow in his father's footsteps. I failed Anakin, all of us did. But I will not fail this baby.

The sounds emanating from Owen breaks my train of thought. I match his breathing, so much so that I feel I begin to control it. How easily I could silence him. But Luke stirs and brings me back to reality. A reality where I am the protector, and Luke, not his father, is the chosen one. Before we set out on our misfit's voyage, Owen had tried to confess a horrible truth to me. Already wanting to plunge my saber into him for risking the life of Luke, I ignored him and instead began the task of burning the Tusken's bodies. To my surprise Tuskens burn rather well. Their tightly wound protective wraps act as a wick, preventing their fat from burning out too quickly. Their scorched bodies gave off a putrid smell, but nothing as bad as my current tent mate.

Owen was drunk the first three days of our journey. He kept trying to get me to drink with him in some sort of twisted bonding ritual to celebrate the fact that I had not ended his life. It was during the height of his drunken and dehydrated delirium that I finally allowed him to confess why he thought he was responsible for the death of Shmi Skywalker Lars. His story began with the self-pitying I had expected. He had been a drug addict. It had gotten so bad that he nearly lost his father's moisture farm to the Hutt's loan sharks. So his father Cliegg along with Owen's girlfriend Beru conspired together to put an end to the madness. One day they locked Owen in his room to force him into withdrawals. Shmi (who missed her son Anakin terribly) was overprotective of Owen because of their closeness in age, and easily influenced. Owen convinced her to venture out to the vaporators alone to pick him some psychedelic mushrooms. That's when the Tuskens took her.

At that point in Owen's tale I cut him off and told him it was time to set up camp. Before dawn I will take Luke and leave this clueless bastard behind. Without his landspeeder and its Tatooine Positioning System he will be completely lost and with luck will be dead within two days time.

TATOOINE - Day 126:

I had two lovely days with Luke. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy, I've never been responsible for a four month old baby before. Luckily I still had his bottle that Owen left with Luke when he abandoned him on my doorstep. With a bit of Force persuasion I was able to convince a wild bantha to part with some blue milk, but not before I mistakenly tried to milk a male. However, that's a story for another time.

Luke is such a beautiful child. I sometimes forget that he's Anakin's son. Other times all I see is Anakin. This child was born out of such hatred and destruction, that I worry the dark side has left a permanent imprint on him. It's because of this that I decided when he's old enough I'm going to tell him everything. He must know the complete truth if he's going to stand a chance against the evil that could be coursing through his veins. As for now I sense nothing but good in him. He is strong with the Force like his father, but has his mother's kind heart.

I am also sensing a far away voice in my mind which keeps repeating "Lars." I can almost make out who it is. It sounds so familiar to me. Today is the day I predicted Owen Lars would die of dehydration and exposure. I feel nothing for this man, but that whispering voice keeps repeating his name over and over. My Jedi sense of honor gets the better of me so I strap Luke onto my back and set out in search of Owen.

How did it all come to this? Why am I, and Luke, on this miserable planet? "Split up they should be," Master Yoda said. Bail Organa offered to take the girl, then like a dumbass I asked what would become of the boy. "To Tatooine, to his family send him," Yoda chimed in. That's when I offered to live like a hermit and watch over Luke. Meanwhile Yoda is now probably eyeball deep in Twi'lek exotic dancers (a weakness of his). And of course he is the only one without a Skywalker baby! I'm tired of being lied to and manipulated. Palpatine, Anakin, Yoda, the Jedi Council, have all used their powers to get what they wanted.

As the dual suns slowly destroy my skin cells, I couldn't for the life of me remember why bringing Luke to Tatooine was a good idea. The Lars' are not Luke's family. Luke's only living relative is a brainwashed murdering asshole. I am the closest thing Luke has to a family. So everyone can kiss my Jedi ass! I will bring Luke to Alderaan, and the King who only saw fit to adopt one of the Skywalker babies, can hide Luke and I somewhere on his big beautiful planet. I'm not going to play the part of piss-boy any longer. I will raise Luke as I see fit. I will train him and together we will destroy the Sith once and for all.

Most likely sensing my anger Luke stirred on my back. I return to the moment and my surroundings. That's when I notice a naked Owen Lars sitting in the sand surrounded by a dozen Tusken Raiders.

Not wanting to risk Luke's safety I let out a Force scream that startled the Tuskens causing them to scatter. As I made my way slowly and deliberately towards Owen, Luke began to cry. Within seconds the Tuskens returned, and in greater numbers. They realized I was not the monster they feared and that my weak spot hung from my back. Owen being a complete coward fell face first into the sand pretending he was dead. The Tuskens moved at me all at once. With my saber lit I deflected their gaderffii sticks, but I knew my defense was off because of my precious cargo.

I spun like Yoda in an attempt to keep my back from being targeted, but this only caused me to receive a blow to the face and stomach. Knowing that the fate of the galaxy could be snuffed out with one strike to his little head I did a back flip out of the circle of Tuskens, taking off a few of their heads in the process. I Force pushed the remaining ones to the ground and quickly cut them in two.

"You fucker!" Owen screamed at me. "You almost got me killed!"

I don't remember what happened next, but I found myself standing over Owen with my lightsaber humming as he continued his verbal onslaught. "You're just like Anakin, you Jedi scumbag! How could you leave me here to die?!"

I raised my saber over my head and stated, "Because you don't deserve to live."

As my arms began to swing downward I heard a voice command, "Obi-Wan, don't!"

I immediately recognized the voice to be that of Qui-Gon Jinn.

TATOOINE - Day 127:

Yesterday I almost killed a man in cold blood. Don't get me wrong, he's a total douche and deserved that fate, but hearing my dead Master's voice stopped me. I could have gone through with it and still walked on the light side of the Force. I might have even been doing Beru a favor. Then Qui-Gon shocked the crap out of me by speaking. I've spent every day for the last four months meditating, as Yoda instructed, in an attempt to contact my old Master. I never heard a peep from him and was beginning to give up hope.

My traveling companion began to cry, so I sat on a boulder and removed him from my backpack, offering him a bottle of blue milk. Luke sucked with all the force a young Padawan should. A few moments later Owen Lars caught up to us, wearing only my Jedi robe. His sunburned, snot and sand encrusted face, along with his disheveled hair made him look ridiculous.

"You have the appearance of a crazy old hermit," I chuckled.

"Screw you, Kenobi." He was not a happy camper. "So you're finally talking to me?"

"Listen Owen, the moment before I was to strike you down I achieved a level of enlightenment that I never truly believed possible. Because of that, both of us are very lucky men."

My precious Luke continued to guzzle his milk as Owen continued to play dumb, an act that was all too easy for both of them. Owen claimed to not understand why I wanted to kill him. The funny thing was he assumed that I no longer had any desire to do so.

"You know what Anakin was," I began, "and what he became. He is responsible for the murder of thousands upon thousands of innocent lives, not to mention the total destruction of the Republic."

"And?" Owen was as defiant as he was stupid. I nearly ignited my saber and threw it at him.

"From what you told me Owen, you are responsible for his mother's death. Her death was one of the major catalysts for him turning to the dark side. So you, Owen Lars, are just as responsible for his downfall as are the rest of us."

"Bullshit!" he said, kicking sand with his bare foot. "After he left here he could have come back at any time to save his mother! Instead he decided to traipse around the galaxy with you playing super cop."

Owen Lars was a stupid, stupid man. And in my many years of "traipsing around the galaxy" I've seen my fill of stupid. Hell, I've worked with Jar Jar Binks! But for all of Owen's failing as a sentient being he had a point about Anakin. I believe Anakin loved his mother, as much as someone like him could have. There were many times over the dozens of years when I trained and fought beside him that I offered to return to Tatooine with him and liberate his mother. He always said "someday." I think he didn't want to be reminded of where he came from, and enjoyed the notoriety of being a Jedi far too much.

"Well anyway, Beru is scared of the baby." The droning sound of Owen's voice really led me to believe that he was hoping I would kill him. "Luke moves stuff around with his mind, and when he cries things break and going flying."

Taking a slow deep breath I replied, "Owen, I'm a Jedi, I know when you're being deceptive. You are a bigger imbecile then you appear to be."

"Wait, what?" He grunted.

I informed the mentally defective man that his home was just over the two dunes to the west. I told him that neither Luke, nor myself, would ever see him again. And if by chance he saw us, he might want to consider running. As a final dig at the man who was making my life miserable I demanded that he return my cloak.

I placed Luke on my back and headed in the opposite direction toward our temporary home. I glanced back once and chuckled to myself at seeing Owen bare-assed naked attempting to make his way over the dunes.

TATOOINE - Day 157:

Today is Life Day. Those adorable furry bastards on Kashyyyk should be celebrating, but their entire planet has been enslaved. Much like the Jedi, only a few Wookiees were able to escape. What Anakin's Empire has done to the galaxy is an abomination. I should have severed that pretty boy head of his along with the other appendages.

But how can I have these feelings towards Anakin when I'm bouncing his beautiful five month old son on my knee? So many screwed up emotions fill my head. Lost in thought I bounce little Luke too vigorously and cause him to spit up. I use the Force to catch the spittle in midair and push it out the open window. Sometimes it's good to be a Jedi.

For thirty wonderful days it had been only me and Luke in my isolated hut. The galaxy was in chaos but I have never been happier. Pure selfishness, I know. Who would have thought of me as a father? Caring for this helpless young Jedi has made me into a new man.

Luke is strong with the Force. He can sense my feelings. When he fidgets and cries I deepen my breathing and he feels my calmness and follows suit. Owen Lars was right about one thing, Luke can move things with his mind. One day when I was sitting on the floor attempting to commune with Qui-Gon, the little mynock woke up and nearly fell off the bed. He lay there with his head and arms outstretched towards the floor, almost as if he were dangling upside down. Noticing his bottle on the other side of the room he reached out with his hand. I felt my mouth curl into a smile as the bottle flew toward him. Of course being a baby he didn't have the best hand-eye coordination, and the bottle bounced off of his head and rolled away. Luke let out a wail as he did a forward flip off the bed and landed on his ass. He had taken his first step, or fall in this case, into a larger world. And for the first time in a very long while I felt a sense of pride.

After I had dropped off Owen Lars like the proverbial turd he was, I had planned on taking Luke to Mos Eisley and catching a transport to Alderaan as soon as possible. After all, Luke didn't have any blood relations on Tatooine, but on Alderaan there was his twin sister. I could raise Luke on the other side of the planet in the safety and isolation of the mountain regions. As the twins aged they could at least visit with one another on occasion, and in secret. I understood Yoda's logic about keeping the twins separated, but why couldn't they live on opposite sides of the same world? It's not like the Empire could blow up the whole damn planet! But as I spent some alone time with Luke I was no longer in a rush to go anywhere.

Breaking my meditation, I heard a desperate knock at my door. I found Beru standing alone in the chilled night air. She was crying and had bruises all over her face. She leapt into my arms and clung to me. She kissed me on the lips and then dropped her cloak to the floor, exposing her naked body.

TATOOINE - Day 158:

Dear Diary,

I'm as giddy as a galactic Princess. For the first time in years I spent the evening with a beautiful woman who wasn't a Jedi prude. I was so backed up with precious Force fluids that when I was finally able to become one with the Force, it was as if millions of voices suddenly cried out and were suddenly sleepy.

Four months in the Jundland Wastes and I've inherited an instant family. Luke is blissfully asleep in the hammock I made out of old robes, and lying beside me is Beru. Do I feel bad about bedding another man's wife? When the other man is a piece of bantha fodder like Owen Lars, then I can confidently say 'Kiss my lightsaber.'

Last night after she first kissed me she told me that when Owen returned home battered, naked, and without Luke, she knew not to believe his story about Sand People abducting the baby. She tried to set out after Luke, but Owen locked her away in her old slave quarters. Beru spent the last month trapped in a windowless room, worried to death about Luke.

Beru noticed my puzzled look and explained, "Oh, didn't you know that I was born a slave? That's how all the Lars men trap their women. They buy female slaves and eventually free them in the name of love. And let's just say being a slave was preferable." So after a brutal fight with Owen she was able to escape and came straight to my hut.

Beru stirred in bed. She rolled over and smiled at me, and began to twirl my Jedi chest hair in her delicate fingers.

"I've been to Tatooine before," I confess to her. "I never actually left the ship because I had the crucial mission of guarding the Queen's body double. But that's when my Master first discovered Anakin."

The talk of Jedi seemed to please Beru. "Owen is so jealous of Anakin. Shmi bragged about her son all of the time and it drove him crazy."

"How so?" I wondered.

"Well, Owen always wanted to be a Jedi! Why do you think he dresses like you?"

Up until that point I had never given it much thought. What a dick.

Beru continued, "He even searched for places to get his blood tested for midi-chlorians."

I couldn't help but chuckle.

Beru elbowed me and pinched my Jedi nipple. "What?!"

Continuing to laugh I explained to her that there was no such thing as midi-chlorians, that it was simply a tool to convince parents to allow us to take their Force sensitive children away with us. Parents would never have simply taken our word that we could feel the Force flowing within their offspring. They would have thought we were a clan of old perverts in long robes. So we'd conduct the bogus midi-chlorian test within earshot of the unsuspecting parents, and most of the time it was enough "proof" of their child's Force abilities.

Beru sat up in bed. "Wow! The Jedi Order were a bunch of assholes!"

I thought for a moment. "Yes, I guess we were."

Sensing that my chances of executing Order 69 with the lovely Beru was quickly fleeting, I offered to get her some water.

Outside, the coils of the vaporator were clogged with sand. I had to bang them against the hut for a minute or two to clear them out, and that's when a bad feeling washed over me.

I dropped the cup of sandy water and rushed back inside. I saw that the bed sheets were on the floor next to a few droplets of blood, as if Beru had been dragged off the bed.

Then I noticed that Luke was gone as well.

TATOOINE - Day 159:

I don't know how he did it, but a few hours ago Owen Lars slipped into my hut undetected and kidnapped Luke and Beru. I blame my Tatooine Tango in the sheets with his wife for gumming up my Force sensitivity. Too many temptations have caused me to overlook my one mission in life, to keep young Skywalker safe. Maybe the Jedi Order weren't a complete bunch of pricks when they forbid attachments. As soon as Luke was safe I'll need to go home and rethink my life.

As I enter the Lars' property I kept reminding myself not to use the Force to crush Owen's skull and testicles. Vengeance is a path to the Dark Side, and ain't nobody got time got for that! The home is in complete darkness, so I ignite my lightsaber for illumination, and to scare the crap out of Owen. I can't find anyone. Then I hear what sounds like Beru whimpering from behind a door that's locked from the outside. When I open it, it turns out to be Owen curled on the floor like a pathetic blob, all alone.

He slowly stands and gives me a confused, yet nasty look. "How long was that bitch going to keep me locked in here?"

Dread fills me as I realize Owen wasn't the one who took Luke and Beru. I walk out of the room completely baffled.

Owen is suddenly behind me, sniffing the air. "You smell like my wife, you Jedi scum!"

Confused by the recent turn of events, I still manage to knock Owen down a peg, "You supported the slave trade as a means to meet women, just like your father. So who is the real scum?"

Owen looked dumbfounded for only a moment, then changed the subject. "Well, that little bastard has been nothing but trouble since we took him in!"

"Luke is no bastard!" I retort. "His parents were married in secret!"

With that I Force push him back into the room and lock the door. I leave him as I found him, figuring I shouldn't intervene in domestic matters.

I make my way to the closest Tusken camp. Although I doubt it, I must be sure that they aren't holding Luke and Beru. The warriors immediately surround me, and as I draw the lightsaber hilt from my robe they shriek and scatter. At first I think that my mad Jedi skills precede me, but as I search the abandoned tents my ego becomes slightly bruised. There are paintings on some of the tent walls depicting a person with a lightsaber striking down Tusken women and children. From what I have pieced together through conversions with Padme I realize that the figure in the paintings is Anakin. The Tuskens aren't necessarily scared of me, but the Jedi as a whole. Thanks Annie.

I search two more Tusken camps before giving up and heading back to my hut. Luke is lost. I have failed as a Jedi and a man. I am such a dick. Although I've only been contacted by Qui-Gon once since my arrival on Tatooine one-hundred-and-fifty-nine days ago, I still reach out to him in hopes of learning Luke's whereabouts.

The front door to my hut exploded! Splinters fill the air and puncture my skin, as smoke temporarily blinds me. A figure entered my doorway and was dressed in Mandalorian armor. He reminded me of that jerk Jango Fett, but the colors are wrong and he's slightly shorter.

He kicked a fragment of my door out of his way, walked into my hut and informed me, "I am Boba Fett."

TATOOINE - Day 159 (Part II):

As the dust and ringing in my ears began to dissipate, I could feel the blood running down my face from the splinters that were imbedded there.

"I'm betting that you didn't realize I saw you at the Mos Eisley Cantina," Boba Fett stated. He stood where my door had been, in Mandalorian armor that was too large for him. He looked like a little boy wearing his father's suit.

"Was that you?" I managed a sarcastic smile. "All you clones look alike to me."

"I'm going to enjoy bringing you in Kenobi." He raised his arm.

Shaking off the explosion, I quipped, "Aren't you a little short for a Bounty Hunter?"

With that he triggered the whipcord on his wrist gauntlet. As the metallic line flew at me I managed to use the Force to freeze it in midair and launch it back at him. It struck him in the head, knocking his large bobblehead-looking helmet to the ground. He stumbled back a few steps and tripped over it, falling on his ass.

As Boba Fett went down, I rose to my feet. "I see you've recycled Jango's old tricks."

"My father was a great man!" he whined. "If it wasn't for all you Jedi, he'd still be alive!"

Boba sat in the sand directly outside my hut. He fumbled with his gauntlet, attempting to retract the cord that was quickly wrapping around him. I realized that this boy was more of a danger to himself than to me. So I took my time retrieving my lightsaber, and reveled in the opportunity to aggravate him further.

"Listen clone, he's not your father, and if you had been more cooperative on Kamino instead of firing laser cannons at me, I would have taken him into custody and he might still be alive."

"Screw you Jedi!" His pubescent voice cracked, as he became more entangled in his whipcord.

Deciding to take this mismatched fight outside, I left my hut and slowly made my way past the boy. Getting a closer look I became aware that he couldn't have been any older than thirteen. A thick slick of oil drenched his face, along with a plethora of oozing pimples. The stray pubic-type hair could be seen sprouting out of his chin and upper lip. He was an awkward, klutzy mess and I was beginning to feel sorry for him.

I knelt beside him, placing my hand on his shoulder. I decided to influence his mind instead of killing his body. "Boba, bounty hunting is a dangerous job. You are not cut out for it. You will give it up and live a peaceful life. Appreciate that you were given this choice and not forced to become a Clone Trooper."

I could see my Force enabled words working its magic on his weak mind. He raised his head and smiled at me. "If I had been a mindless Clone Trooper I would have succeeded where my brothers had failed." The boy noticed my look of surprise, and continued, "I would have killed you, Kenobi!"

Boba Fett tapped his legs together and a projectile shot out of the side of his knee pad, hitting me in the neck. I fell backwards landing on one knee and feeling like a dang fool for underestimating this little shit. I pulled the piece of metal from my neck and immediately recognized it as a Kamino dart. It must have been a dud because I didn't sense any toxins moving through my blood stream.

When I looked up Boba was standing, having finally untangled himself from his whipcord. In his crackly voice he informed me that Jedi mind tricks didn't work on him. He said he couldn't care less that the bounty stated I must be brought in alive, he was going to kill me regardless.

I chuckled and provokingly said, "Oh Clone, don't lose your head."

He shrieked like a Jawa being torn apart, and shot his flamethrower at me. I did a forward flip over him, just managing to escape the flames reach. Landing behind the boy I watched as he clumsily placed his helmet on his head and ran away from my hut. As he attempted to move quickly through the deep sand, the loose fitting helmet spun around on his head, blinding him. He ended up crashing into my vaporator and stumbled to the ground once again.

When Boba Fett (who behaved more like Jar Jar than a bounty hunter) removed his helmet the blade of my saber was just a few inches from his face. I informed him that since my mind trick didn't work I would unfortunately have to kill him in order to protect my mission.

He sobbed, "Please don't kill me, we have your woman and child."

Now he had my full attention. "Who is this 'we'?"

Boba sucked the snot back up into his nose and whimpered, "Jabba the Hutt, of course."

TATOOINE - Day 160:

If you had told me that after Order 66 I'd be doing donuts in the Dune Sea in a landspeeder being driven by a clone going through puberty, I'd tell you to pull the other one.

Boba Fett was driving us to Jabba's Palace, where supposedly Luke and Beru were being held. There was an awkward silence during the first leg of our journey until I asked Boba if he was even old enough to be operating a speeder. His only response was to switch on the radio.

"Watch this old man" Boba said, cranking up the music.

"What?!" I attempted to make myself heard over the bizarre alien rock that was assaulting my ears.

Boba jerked the controls to the right causing the speeder to tailspin. We made ridiculously fast circles over and over again, as a cyclone of sand formed over us. I felt the bile move up the back of my throat while I desperately gripped the dashboard and realized that flying wasn't the only mode of transportation that I hated.

With the music still blasting, Boba straightened the speeder out and stood up slightly in order to get a better look at what lie ahead. When he found what he was looking for he sat back down and gave me a smile so evil that I could only compare it to that of the Emperor's.

"Hold on to your hood, Jedi" he yelled.

As my teenage tormentor sped on I hoped for his sake that Jabba actually had Luke and Beru safe and sound in his Palace. Otherwise I'd be opening a can of Jedi whoop ass on the lot of them.

That's when I understood where we were headed. Mustering up my strongest Jedi mind trick I turned to Boba and instructed, "You will not attempt to jump that."

In his flattest android-like voice he repeated back to me, "I will not attempt to jump that."

I loosened my grip on the dashboard and relaxed in my seat.

"I will not attempt to jump that," he repeated once again. "I will jump it, you Jedi jerk! How many times do I need to tell you old man, mind tricks don't work on me?!"

Crap! How could someone so dumb resist the oldest Jedi trick in the book?!

As we approached the Sarlacc Pit, Boba turned the music up louder. I decided the only way to avoid a catastrophe was to change my approach with him.

"Listen, son," I yelled, "you don't need to try and impress me! I am impressed!"

"I ain't your son, Obi-Dick Kenobi! Now sit back and enjoy the ride!"

As soon as the landspeeder left the ground I knew we were not going to make it. I foresaw my future and it consisted of being digested for over a thousand years. But with a little concentration and a Force push we made it over the gigantic sand anus.

Boba looked pale and like he knew what had just happened, but refused to admit defeat. "See! I told you!" his pubescent voice cracked in defiance.

I switched off the radio and leveled with him, "Boba if you keep trying to jump the Sarlacc eventually your luck will run out."

"Shut up" was all he said, and for the rest of the trip we rode in silence.

I had been to Jabba's Palace before so as we entered I thought I knew what to expect. We were of course met by the hideous looking albino, Bib Fortuna. The large penis-like growth that began at the back of his head and wrapped around his neck like some sort of backwards game of autoerotic asphyxiation, always made me gag.

Bib led Boba and myself into Jabba's main throne room. The fat slug sat in front of an enormous pit which had been dug out of the middle of the room. There was Beru, chained and lying seductively at Jabba's tail. She was wearing nothing but a metallic bikini. I was completely disgusted and aroused simultaneously.

When Jabba noticed me he spoke in his usual ghetto gangster speak. His droid, TC-70 interpreted, "The Mighty Jabba the Hutt welcomes you to his Palace and apologizes for the mess. He would like for you to capture him a rancor as soon as possible."

TATOOINE - Day 160 (Part II):

"Come again?" I queried, stealing a glance of Beru in her metallic bikini.

Jabba's protocol droid, TC-70, repeated his Master's request. He wanted me to capture a rancor. The massive pit in the middle of the throne room now made sense.

"Jabba," I waved my hand, "you will release the woman and baby to me and we will be on our way."

"HO-HO-HOOO!" Jabba tugged on the chain connected to Beru's neck, causing her breasts to bounce slightly. That bikini had a hold on me like a Force choke from Darth Vader.

Recovering my momentum, I reminded Jabba that I had helped in rescuing his kidnapped son during the Clone Wars.

"CHOO-TOO BIGNU, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH..."

I waited for the translation.

TC-70 continued, "The exalted Jabba wishes to inform you that the only reason why he, or any of his people, have not reported your whereabouts to the Empire is because you saved his most cherished son Rotta. So the debt on both sides have been cleared."

"Well then," I spoke directly to the droid, "please explain to his royal slugness that the safety of this baby, which he has stolen from me, is of the utmost importance..."

"Hey!" Beru interrupted.

I shot a smile at her, my eyes lingering a little too long on that damn bikini, and continued, "You could say that this baby is my 'most cherished son.' Taking that into consideration, I understand that the illustrious Jabba in all his wisdom would want to offer proof of the child's wellbeing before we could continue with our negotiations."

"HO-HO-HOOO, HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA..." Jabba slapped his droid in a laughing fit, knocking him to the floor. "WANNA WANGA JEDI FEE BOKAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BOBA."

TC-70 struggled to stand, "The extremely robust Jabba says that the Jedi have always driven a hard bargain, but he will concede. Boba, show him."

Boba sidled up beside me holding a holoprojector. I noticed that he too was staring at Beru, so I nudged him with my elbow. "Uh," he began and attempted to threaten me in his squeaky voice, "the infant is not in the Palace Kenobi, so don't get any stupid ideas."

The holoprojector ignited and a blue image of a hideous creature with long lips hovered in the air. She had a bizarre drawl as she spoke, "Jabba sweetie, how are you?"

Jabba responded to her in a tone that sounded like he was saying "not in front of the guest!" He continued to speak to her directly as he licked his sluggish lips and green slime slid down his chin.

"Anything for you, Jabba," the hologram responded. "Wait?! What the hell is that supposed to be?" She was referring to Beru and her hypnotic bikini.

Boba stuck his face between the hologram and Jabba, "Show the Jedi the baby, Sy."

"Of course, darling."

The thing with the lips took a step back and revealed that she was holding the infant. Luke was cooing and attempting to grab his caretakers lip tubes.

"See Master Jedi," Sy Snootles began, "this baby may be ugly, but he's happy and well taken care of."

Jabba's voice erupted in the throne room. Boba quickly shut off the holoprojector and took a step behind me. I smiled a big goofy grin at Beru.

The droid translated the message, "Are you satisfied, Jedi?"

"Your blubber-ship, I don't suppose I could talk you out of this?" I knew the question was pointless.

Again Jabba's enormous belly laugh filled the room.

I cleared my throat in order to get his attention. "I will not steal a baby rancor from its mother, if that's what you're going to ask."

TC-70 immediately answered for Jabba. "His excellency is not without a heart. He requires an adolescent male."

I should have known he'd want a rancor at the start of its most vicious age. Having fought in the Clone Wars I was prepared at a moment's notice for anything the galaxy could throw at me and this was no different.

Looking at Beru, still under her bikini's spell, I stammered, "Beru, I will return for...ah...return for...ah..."

"Me?" She seemed confused by all the attention.

"Yes, I will return for me...ah, I mean you!" Dragging my gaze away from Beru I got back to business. "And Jabba, if anything should happen to Beru or the child, I will end you."

Jabba's laugh was slightly less intense this time. He blathered on for a moment, and then his droid relayed the message, "On your journey you will be accompanied by Boba Fett as well as three of Jabba's guards. There is currently the perfect specimen nesting in Beggar's Canyon."

"Beggar's Canyon?" Dread began to fill me. "Sure, sounds like a blast."

TATOOINE - Day 161:

"So, what do you think of Beru?" The little punk had the nerve to ask me.

"I'm trying not to, kid."

"She's got a lot of spirit." Boba was treading dangerously close to oblivion. "You think a girl like that and a guy like me...?"

"No!" I responded with the strongest backspin of Force persuasion I could muster. "You're just a boy, plus a criminal and a murderer."

Boba smirked, "And you never murdered anyone, Jedi? I bet you snuffed out thousands of more lives than me."

I was getting ready to take Boba's head, hang it over the edge of the landspeeder, and dip his face into the sand that was rushing past us. I would buff that stupid expression right off his face.

Taking a more diplomatic approach I confessed, "It was a time of war, young one."

"I call bullshit, Kenobi! This galaxy is always in a state of war. I kill who I'm hired to kill. The rest I capture, like I did to you."

I chuckled, "Now that is funny, clone. I went with you willingly because you told me Jabba had the woman and boy. That is the only reason."

Boba was silent for a moment as he scanned the horizon for Beggar's Canyon, the home of our elusive rancor.

The silence was all too enjoyable, and far too short lived. "So Kenobi, what's the deal with that groovy chick and the baby? Is that your family? If so, you've been getting busy since the galaxy went down the crapper."

"No, Boba," I smirked. Was I actually starting to like this kid? "I am merely the baby's guardian, and the woman is an unfortunate causality of war."

"Right," was all Boba said, appearing to be deep in thought.

"Let me ask you something, Boba. How many previous parties set out to capture this specific Rancor?"

"You're finally starting to ask the smart questions." Even though we were in the middle of the dune sea, Boba looked around to see if anyone was around. "This is the fifth group. I am sole survivor of the previous four missions."

"And how did you manage that?" This boy was definitely interesting me.

"Because I'm smart. When the last man was being ripped in half I would jet pack to safety."

"Interesting."

"And Kenobi, between you and me, the rancor digs on green swine."

"What in blazes does that mean?"

Boba smiled and motioned with his head to the three Gamorrean guards sitting on the back of the landspeeder. He then mouthed the word "bait."

"Oh, that's just awful," I said shaking my head.

The guards snorted mindlessly.

As we approached the canyon Boba drove along the upper left ridge. We traveled this path for some time and I was amazed at just how deep Beggar's Canyon really was. When we came to an abrupt stop, Boba jumped out of the speeder.

"This is the spot, Kenobi. We'll take the three guards to the bottom of the canyon and find the cave it's nesting in. Then you and I will return topside, spread the net out across the canyon, and Jabba's expendables will draw the rancor out."

The Gamorrean's snorted as if in agreement, although none of them understood basic.

"So," I gazed over edge, "how do you propose we get down there?"

"I'll jet pack. Can you handle the jump, Jedi?"

"Oh I think I can handle it." I smiled slightly. "Do you have all the kinks worked out of your armor?"

To my surprise Boba laughed, which caused me to laugh as well. The green pigs just stood there drooling and looking dumb.

I used the Force to lower the three guards, and then jumped down. Boba struggled with his jet pack, bouncing off the canyon walls once or twice. When all of us were on the ground we spread out to search the area.

That's when a giant arm reached out from a crevice and grabbed one of the guards. A blood curdling squeal filled the air and echoed throughout Beggar's Canyon.

TATOOINE - Day 161 (Part II):

The rancor devoured the first Gamorrean guard. The other two squealed and made a break for it. Boba Fett tapped his gauntlet, firing its whipcord, and ensnared one of the guards around the waist. Boba dragged him back just in time to use him as a shield as the rancor came in for a second kill.

"Quick, let's get the net!" Boba shouted.

I leapt up, zigzagging between the two walls of the canyon until I reached its top. Boba, on the other hand, ignited his jet pack and promptly launched head first into the canyon wall, knocking himself out.

I retrieved the net from the back of landspeeder and using the Force I opened it up and suspended it over the canyon. Just as the rancor was finishing up the second Gamorrean I dropped the net, and followed it down.

The net tripled its size as it was programmed to do, but as it landed over the rancor I quickly noticed the self-sealing edges were not engaging. As a result, the beast was able to move around freely. By his current course it was apparent that he had chosen the unconscious Boba as his next meal.

With my screaming and the rancors thunderous approach, Boba woke from his self-inflicted slumber and got to his feet. Using the Force I slowed the giant down just long enough for Boba to fire his jet pack. Unfortunately, he was rocketed directly at the rancor. The mighty creature caught the boy's right leg in his mouth and snapped it completely off. Boba fell to the dirt, one leg lighter and bleeding like a stuck Gamorrean.

Propelling myself into the air I landed on the rancor's neck. The beast reeled back in an attempt to dislodge me, but I held fast to his thick hide.

Normally, I would get a kick out of an adventure such as this, but I could see that Boba was bleeding out from his severed leg. So with a little Force guidance I had the rancor continually bang his head against the canyon wall. Rocks rained down around us, and when I saw a decent sized boulder heading our way I guided it to the monster cranium before me. The rancor fell to the ground and wasn't waking up anytime soon.

I hopped down and assessed Boba's situation. He was bleeding profusely and crying for his daddy. In order to save the boy's life I would have to cauterize the wound.

"Sorry son, this might sting a bit." Before he could react I took my saber and sliced off another inch from his stub. The bleeding stopped.

"Wha...?!" Boba screamed, flailing on the ground. "Why would you...? I hate you, Kenobi! I hate you!"

Wow! If I had a Galactic credit for every time an amputee screamed they hated me I wouldn't be living in a one room hut, I tell you that much.

Boba went into shock and passed out. I used my saber to seal the rancor into the net and retrieved the landspeeder. Placing Boba into the passenger seat, I then tied a bit of the loose netting to the back of the speeder in order to pull the rancor.

As we drove out from the confines of Beggar's Canyon we came across the remaining Gamorrean, still waddling and squealing away in a state of sheer terror. With a flick of my wrist I lifted the guard and flipped him onto the back of the speeder, then proceeded to drag the rancor across the Dune Sea.

We were met outside of Jabba's Palace by an obese man with no shirt and a towel draped over his head. He pushed past us and headed straight for the rancor, and began stroking his head. As we entered the main gate I swear I could hear this bizarre man kissing the rancor and talking baby talk to him.

Jabba wasn't going to be exactly thrilled that I was returning with only one-third of his guards and eighty-five percent of a bounty hunter, but the mostly uninjured adolescent male rancor more than made up for it.

In the center of the throne room a grate had been placed over the hole in the floor, and standing on that grate was the chick with the tube lips and she was holding Luke! Finally, I was able to retrieve the universe's most precious gift. As Lips handed him over to me a group of armed guards filled the room and formed a wall in front of Jabba.

"TOOTA WONGA POOTAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, JEDI."

TC-70 relayed the message, "The Exalted Leader Jabba the Hutt thanks you for the rancor and gladly returns to you the man-child. However, the Mighty Jabba has decided to keep the female for himself."

Beru began to cry. She was still wearing that bikini, and still looked amazing.

I secured Luke in my one arm and did a forward flip over the guards. Landing right beside Jabba, I extended my lit saber to just a few inches away from his multiple chins.

"I don't think so," was all I had to say. Jabba and I agreed that Tatooine was a large enough planet that we could ignore one another.

So I walked out of Jabba's Palace with my arm around Beru, and Luke held securely in her arms. Jabba being the fat bastard that he was made her return the metallic bikini. What a dick.

I commandeered Boba's landspeeder and bid farewell to the wretched hive of scum and villainy that had caused me so much trouble.

We drove off towards the twin setting suns, headed for home.

TATOOINE - Day 162:

As we cruised across the Dune Sea, the gentle night breeze filled me with a new sense of hope. Luke slept curled up in Beru's arms, and she had her hand resting comfortably on mine. In this present moment all was right with the galaxy.

When we first made our getaway from Jabba's Palace we had an excited burst of conversation. Beru told me all about her kidnapping and how she was treated fairly for the three days Jabba had held her prisoner. I asked a dozen or so questions about the metallic bikini. Even though our conversation died down as quickly as it started, it took my erection quite a bit longer to follow suit.

As Beru drifted off to sleep she removed her hand from mine. Without the skin on skin contact my mind moved to her words, and they began to haunt me. For three days she was held by Jabba. That was three days that Luke was out of my care and in constant danger. This scenario could have ended in a completely different manner.

If I failed my mission to protect Luke and he was killed, Palpatine and Vader may have ended up enslaving the galaxy forever. I risked everything in order to play hide the lightsaber with someone else's wife. What an old fool I've become.

I need to stay on target. I need to stay away from the Lars family. There is too much temptation there, and it seems like the more contact I have with them the greater the risk to Luke's safety. I must continue to hide in the shadows and protect Luke from afar.

Less than a year ago I was a general in The Clone Wars. Every day was a new adventure. Now all I have to look forward to is the constant heat of the twin suns making me sweat my twin balls off. And I can't forget the blue milk, disgusting swill. I must have really fucked up in a previous life to get sentenced to twenty years on Tatooine. No wait, it was this life I fucked up in by letting my best friend turn into the galaxy's biggest douchebag. I deserve all the wampa shit that has been heaped upon me.

"Did we just pass your hut?" Beru was awake and sounded concerned.

I was so deep in thought that I had made up my mind about Beru without even being fully aware that I had. "I'm sorry, Beru." I could not meet her gaze. "I'm bringing you and Luke back to Owen's home. You two are not safe with me."

"Oh," was all she said. We rode the rest of the way in silence.

For the second time in three days the Lars homestead was dark and appeared abandoned. Then I remembered that I had left Owen locked in a room, a room that he originally imprisoned Beru in when trying to keep her away from me. She had turned the tables on Owen and had locked him in there instead. That would have made it a total of five days he was in there. If that dumbass couldn't figure out how to get out of a locked room within five days, then he deserved to die.

Beru must have been thinking the same thing because she suddenly exclaimed, "Owen! I left him locked up!"

Exiting the landspeeder, I carried Luke while Beru ran ahead to check on Owen. The lucky bastard was still alive but completely malnourished and dehydrated. His face was badly bruised from the beating Beru administered to him. He crawled out of the room and in a dry, scratchy voice begged for water. Since the vaporators hadn't been maintained they had shut down automatically. As a result, there was no water coming out of the faucets. In a desperate move, Owen began drinking out of the toilet. Beru wailed and apologized to him repeatedly, kissing the back of his head as he slurped up the toilet water.

I let my curiosity get the best of me and asked, "Owen, how did you survive without water?"

He stopped lapping up the water long enough to say, "After the third day I was forced to drink my urine." Then he screamed, "I...DRANK...MY...URINE!" His voice made a cool echo from his head hanging over the toilet.

I was on the verge of feeling sorry for the pathetic bastard when he demanded, "Get out of here Kenobi! Get the hell out!"

"Ok, asshole," I muttered under my breath.

I placed Luke next to Beru and Owen on the bathroom floor. As I left their home I could hear Beru confessing her love for Owen and swearing to never leave him again. Well that settles that, I guess.

I left the landspeeder for Owen, to replace the one the Tuskens had stolen, and I walked home.

Sitting on the floor of my hut I began to meditate. I was desperate for guidance, so I spoke to my former Master. "Qui-Gon? Please Master, I need your help. I have lost my way and do not know how to proceed."

For only the second time in my one-hundred-and sixty-two days stuck on this dust ball I heard his voice. "Obi-Wan, you are doing fine."

TATOOINE - Day 466:

It's been one year since my last journal entry. Besides my daily surveillance of their homestead, I have had no contact with the Lars family.

Luke is now one and a half years old. He is walking and talking, and has been doing so from an early age. He is also strong with the Force, sensing my presence whenever I'm near.

My meditation continues. Every few days I hear a few words from my old Master. I have so many questions for him.

Today when I began my daily meditation ritual I could immediately sense that something was different. The air was alive with electricity, giving me goosebumps and making my skin tingle. I closed my eyes and began my deep breathing. My heart rate slowed. I reached out to Qui-Gon.

"I'm here, Obi-Wan," my Master said from beyond.

With my eyes closed I spoke, "I can hear you, Master."

"No, Obi-Wan. You don't understand. I am here."

"I'm confused, Master."

"Open your damn eyes," Qui-Gon commanded.

My heart began to race. I was so nervous that I felt as if my eyes were sealed shut.

Then Qui-Gon whispered into my ear, "Open."

Crap, that was scary! Ok Obi, I thought, just open your freaking eyes!

I peeked slightly. Blue light. I opened them all the way. A glorious vision was before me. My dead Master was a shimmering blue translucent form. I nearly shit myself.

"Hello old friend," Qui-Gon spoke casually to me as if he were still made of living flesh and bone.

"I'm at a loss for words," I stammered.

"That is natural, my old Padawan," he smiled and chills ran up my spine.

"Where are you?"

Qui-Gon chuckled slightly, "I am one with the Force."

My mouth fell open like a slack jawed Gungan. I had no idea how to respond.

"I'm here to warn you, Obi-Wan."

This did not help my fragile mind state.

"Something is coming," he continued. "I can't say what, but you need to be on your guard."

That is fucking great.

"Is there anything you'd like to ask me?" Qui-Gon innocently inquired.

"Actually," I began, having waited a long time for this, "why did you have me train Anakin?"

"Really?" His ghostly face displayed disbelief. "That's what you want to ask? I don't know how long I can hold this form."

"I need to know, Qui-Gon. Why did go against the Council's orders and take Anakin as your Padawan? Then as your dying wish you asked me to me train him?"

Without missing a beat Qui-Gon stated, "He is the chosen one."

"Poodoo!" I exclaimed. "I understand that you've been out of the loop for a while, but Anakin has turned into a murdering cock!"

"I am one with the Force, Obi. I see everything."

"Then why the hell did you have me train a Sith Lord?!" I was forgetting that my former Master was an apparition, and viewed him more as someone who held the answers I needed.

"I'm sensing great anger in you, Kenobi. Anger is the path to..."

"Oh don't give me that shit!" I was beside myself. Fourteen years of questions and frustrations erupted from my mouth. "When we were fleeing Naboo and landed on Tatooine, why did you make me stay with the ship, guarding the Queen's body double for two days? Why didn't you just take the part we needed from Watto's junkyard? When people were dying on Naboo why did you waste time playing games of chance with that Toydarian? Why didn't you liberate Anakin and his mother, thus helping to prevent a major triggering event in his life?"

I was shocked to see Qui-Gon's blue Force ghost face turn slightly red. He took what I assumed was a breath and smirked at me. "Can I ask you a question, Kenobi?"

"Sure, why the hell not?"

I felt his translucent eyes peering through my very being. "Why did you let Darth Maul kill me?"

"I didn't!" I sat upright in disbelief.

"When we kept getting stuck between the oscillating shields you could have Force ran to my side. We could have taken him together, Obi-Wan."

"I, uh, I, uh." Touche you dead bastard.

Shaking his head he gave me one final jab, "I could still be alive today if you had just lit a fire under your own ass."

Yikes.

Then there came a pounding on my door. I stood up from my meditation pose and walked across my hut utterly confused and in shock. When I reached the entrance I looked back, but Qui-Gon was gone.

Opening the door I was flabbergasted to find another long dead face staring back at me.

"I'm back, mother fucka!"

"Mace?" was all I was able to get out before he clubbed me across my head, knocking me out cold.

TATOOINE - Day 467:

My head was pounding.

I could hear someone moving around, but I couldn't see anything. I was half awake and I had no idea where I was or what had happened. I felt that my arms were positioned behind my back and bound tightly together. I also had something in my mouth and over my head.

Then I remembered the face. Mace Windu was alive! He had hit me with some kind of club and I blacked out.

"Good morning, Kenobi." Mace said in an overly sweet voice. "Sorry about the little tap to your noggin."

He pulled a bag from off my head. I refused to open my eyes and pretended to still be asleep.

"I can sense you're awake, Kenobi." Mace said. "No need for games."

When I opened my eyes I was surprised to discover that it was now daytime. I had no idea how long I had been unconscious.

When I was able to focus my vision I saw a completely haggard looking Mace Windu. He now had a long white beard, his left eye was discolored and his right hand was missing. He also walked with a noticeable limp. In the brief time since his supposed death he seemed to have aged twenty years.

I attempted to speak to him but the gag in my mouth prevented that.

Mace was holding a Tusken gaderffii stick, and leaned on it to lower himself down to one knee.

"Now Kenobi," he began, "if I remove your gag you're gonna stay cool right? No screaming, mind tricking, or any of that crazy shit? Cuz I will fuck you up."

I nodded in agreement.

Mace placed his hand on my head and yanked the gag out of my mouth without an ounce of compassion.

"Mace, how did you survive?"

"I could ask you the same thing, mother fucka!" Using the gaderffii stick he stood back up.

"Why am I tied up?"

Mace screamed, "Because I don't trust you worth a good god damn!"

As Mace hobbled around my hut I could sense that whatever he had been through since the Clone Wars it had caused him to lose his himself, and his mind.

He opened my ice box and pulled out a bottle. "What is this blue shit?"

"It's bantha milk, Master Windu." I attempted to be diplomatic, hoping to calm his nerves.

"May I partake in this tasty beverage?"

"As you wish." I had no idea where Windu was going this.

After taking a sip he spat it out onto my floor. "That is some repulsive shit, Kenobi!"

I wanted some answers now. "Mace, I just need to..."

"Shut the fuck up, Kenobi."

"I just need to..."

"SHUT UP!" Mace had a wild look in his eyes, then without missing a beat he completely changed his tone. "And what do we have here?"

I saw that he had placed two lightsabers on my bed.

"I'm guessing that one of these bad boys is yours, Kenobi?"

"Listen," I became desperate, "I just need to.."

One of the sabers flew up into Mace's hand. He ignited it and held to my neck before I could finish my question.

"Say 'ijustneedto' one more time, mother fucka!" Mace was livid. "I dare you, Kenobi. Say 'ijustneedto' one...more...time!"

Unable to loosen the rope around my body I lowered my head in submission.

Mace lowered Anakin's lightsaber, but kept it lit. He began pacing, mumbling to himself and swinging the saber around as he worked himself up.

Having gathered whatever thoughts rattled around in his sickened mind, the fallen Jedi continued his line of questioning. "Now Kenobi, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was inquiring as to how you perchance came across two lightsabers."

I raised my head. Feeling that this might be the end, I decided to face death with the secret of Luke's location safely undisclosed. I looked this madman directly in his good eye and stated, "One is mine, and the other was taken from the Jedi I destroyed."

Once again Anakin's lightsaber was held up to my face. Nearly touching the tip of my nose, I was blinded by its blue glow.

"So Kenobi, here's where you prove to be a man or a bitch. Who's lightsaber is it?"

I swallowed nervously, not sure if the truth would be to his liking or not. "It was Anakin's."

I had never seen Master Windu smile before, but the largest grin now filled his face. "Well shoot," he laughed. "Why didn't you say so in the first place? My Jedi."

Mace flicked his wrist and the saber sliced through my bindings. I sat up and rubbed my stiff shoulders.

"I tell you, Kenobi, after that Skywalker mother fucka cut off my hand and let Palpatine throw me out a fucking window, I didn't know who to trust."

"I understand, Master Windu." I stood up and quickly Force grabbed my lightsaber from the bed and hooked it to my belt before this psycho could change his mind about how he felt towards me. "First the Clones turned against us," I continued, "then Anakin wiped out everyone in the Temple. So I followed him to Mustafar and destroyed him." I hoped Mace couldn't sense my half-truth.

"Well look at the big bad skills on Kenobi." He slapped my arm. "So what are you doing on Tatooine?"

I cleared my throat. "I'm hiding from the Empire." I wasn't sure what he knew so I added, "I thought I was the only Jedi left."

"Well today is your lucky fucking day."

We both sat down and I now felt somewhat safe to ask, "So how did you survive Order 66?"

Mace appeared more relaxed and chuckled, "That was some crazy ass shit. That mother fucka Palps throws me out a fucking window and I fall to the lower fucking levels of Coruscant and land on a Hutt. I tell you, I squished the shit out of that bitch, but it broke my fall. Then a mutual friend of ours found me and nursed me back to health."

Hope of another Jedis existence overwhelmed me. "Who's our mutual friend?"

"That's a surprise, Kenobi. He's here on Tatooine with me. I sent him out last night for some supplies and shit. He should be returning forthwith."

I could sense the Master Windu whom I used to know hidden deep beneath the battered shell of this lunatic. Maybe I could bring him back.

"So Master, how did you end up on Tatooine?"

His relaxed smile now transformed into an evil grin. "Well, I heard Boba Fett was here, and let's just say that mother fucka and I got some unfinished business."

That's when the sound of a dewback's moan was heard approaching from over the dunes.

Mace immediately stood up. "That would be our mutual friend." He attached Anakin's lightsaber to his belt. Realizing I was eyeing the saber, he added, "I never did find my purple beauty. I guess my lightsaber and hand wound up in some sick mother fucka's collection. Hope you don't mind."

"Not at all, Master," I lied. I would have to get that saber back one way or another.

While we waited outside for "our friend" to approach, I decided to quickly check on the vaporators. As I knelt and cleaned out the filters I heard something approaching from behind.

"O-BEE! Meesa so hap..."

Acting completely on instinct I jumped up and swung around holding my lightsaber. In less than a heartbeat Jar Jar's head hit the sand. His large webbed ears continued to flap around. With Jar Jar's last act of clumsiness his body fell forward knocking over my vaporator, breaking it.

Mace turned the corner of my hut and saw the Gungan's decapitated head, with its ears still moving, making angel's wings in the sand.

"Damn, Kenobi! That's some cold blooded shit!"

I shrugged my shoulders, not knowing what to say.

That night an age old question was finally answered, do Gungans taste like chicken or fish? I was surprised to find out that it was indeed chicken.

TATOOINE - Day 468:

The three moons of Tatooine filled the night sky, illuminating Mace Windu as he sat next to me by the fire. We were nearly done feasting on the remains of Jar Jar Binks.

"Damn Kenobi, this is some tasty fucking Gungan. If I had known he would be so delectable I would have eaten this mother fucka years ago."

I smiled to myself, "I'm rather surprised myself."

I had saved one of the ears for last. The webbing between the cartilage was rubbery, but packed with flavor. The gristle itself was extremely oily, but by far the most delicious part.

Mace was loudly sucking the meat out from between his teeth. "Still, he's a stringy bastard."

"And he didn't taste like fish," I added.

"Well, as I hypothesized Kenobi, although our little friend here was an aquatic mammal, he did not reside directly in the water. The Gungans stayed dry in their bubbles. So there is really no good reason why he should taste like fish."

"That's true, Master Windu."

"Personally," Mace explained, "I'm glad the guy didn't taste like no mother fucking fish. Fishes are dirty fucking creatures! They swim in their own shit and piss. Nasty fucks."

I grew quiet. It had been a few days since I last checked on Luke. I had no idea what Mace's intentions were, and his presence here was going to hinder my mission to watch over the young Skywalker.

"Hey," Mace waved his greasy fingers at me, "you still with us?"

"Yes. Sorry Master Windu."

"Now, I ain't complaining or no shit, because this is some righteous fucking eats," Mace hesitated for a moment, "but what made you cap the Gungan?"

"I can't really say." I answered truthfully. "I heard his voice and I just snapped. It was a knee jerk reaction."

"No doubt, Kenobi. Jar Jar was an annoying mother fucka." Mace laughed. "And he was the one who granted emergency powers to Chancellor Palpatine. I reckon the Gungan had it coming."

"Indeed." I couldn't believe what I had done. Maybe part of the reason was because Jar Jar had been so close to Anakin when he was a child, and I couldn't stand being reminded of that innocent boy every day.

"A Sith Lord!" Mace yelled. "I mean, can you believe that shit?! A mother fucking Sith Lord, right under our noses! Shoot. The Jedi council was filled with some dumb ass bitches if we missed that shit."

"I know."

"And now this Emperor has a new apprentice, something like Darth Tater, or some shit."

"Vader." I dreaded this conversation.

"Right, right, right, Darth Vader. Now what you know about that mother fucka?"

"Umm," I hesitated slightly. "I haven't actually seen him, only heard things from the travelers in Anchorhead and Tosche Station."

"Yeah, me too." Mace was disappointed. "Just rumors and shit. Big black mother fucka with some kind of super space suit and breathing apparatus. Must be an alien."

"Possibly." I tried to keep my mind clear so that Mace couldn't sense my thoughts.

"And I'll let you in on a little fucking secret, Kenobi. Remember how I told you I was on Tatooine because of Boba Fett?"

"Yes..." Here was yet another topic that concerned me. The child bounty hunter had grown on me and I didn't want anything bad to happen to him.

"I'm gonna kill that bitch!"

"Why?" This was horrible.

"Cuz that little mother fucka tried to assassinate me on the Endurance, remember?! He blew up the whole God damn ship!" Mace kicked sand as he screamed.

"Well, you did kill his father." I said curtly.

"That's cuz the mother fucka was trying to kill me!" Mace looked me up and down. "Damn Kenobi, you sounding like a Separatist sympathizer."

I couldn't help but chuckle, "There are no more Separatists. There's only the Galactic Empire and everybody else."

"Ok, I hear ya, Kenobi." Mace's mood swung back again. "So I'm going to take out Boba Fett, who I hear is working for Jabba the Hutt. Then I'll replace Fett at Jabba's side, because who the hell wouldn't want an old Jedi as your own personal bounty hunter?"

"Ok...then what?"

"Well shit," Mace smiled, "now comes the best part. I'm gonna take care of that bitch Hutt too and start raising my own mother fucking army. Then we'll go after Palps and Vader."

"Wow." I was completely stunned. "Revenge, huh? Master Yoda would not approve."

"Yeah, well that little green dude is dead, and I ain't living by no Jedi codes no more. How do you think I got this gaderffii stick?"

"Do I want to know, Master Windu?"

"I killed half a Tusken village, with nothing but my one hand and the Force." He boasted. "And stop calling me Master Windu. That ain't me no more."

"Ok, Mace."

The first of two suns began to peak its head over the horizon. Mace and I had talked all night, while we had an old friend for dinner.

"Well Kenobi," he said, standing up, "time for this old mother fucka to get some sleep. Mind if I take the bed? It's been a long damn time since I slept in a God damn bed."

"Sure. Help yourself Mace."

He started towards my hut, but then came back and rested his stump on my shoulder. He whispered in my ear, "It'll be good having you by my side instead of that bumbling idiot."

Then he was gone.

The overwhelming incidents of the last few days were taking its toll on me. First, Qui-Gon's spirit showed up, and then an insane Mace Windu attacked me. He took me hostage one day and then the next he informed me that we'd be raising an army together to overthrow the Empire. The only positives that I have on my side is that he doesn't yet know who Vader is or that Anakin has a son. However, as Mace's plan progresses the likelihood of him finding out increases exponentially.

Sensing that Mace was now asleep, I took the opportunity to make my way to the Lars homestead to check on Luke. Using electrobinoculars I watched as Luke built palaces in the sand. Beru was nearby, looking at Luke with the loving eyes of a mother. I missed them both terribly. The life of a hermit could really suck ass at times. Then that douchebag Owen joined them, and I knew it was time for me to head back.

Within a few minutes I saw a figure in the distance walking toward me. As we got closer I realized that it was Mace. I checked to make sure my lightsaber was still on my hip.

When we reached each other, Mace looked at me suspiciously. "Kenobi, where the fuck you been at?!"

TATOOINE - Day 473:

For the last four days Mace and I sat around my hut shooting the poodoo. We discussed the good times before the Clone Wars, and the things we wished we could have changed during and after the war. Whatever we talked about, Mace always steered the conversation back to his plans for destroying Palpatine and Vader. He'd get a wild look in his one good eye and come up with some crazy schemes on how to overthrow the Empire, none of which ever seemed plausible.

"What I don't understand," Mace began, "is how'd that mother fucka Palpatine get another God damn apprentice so quickly after you killed Anakin?"

"I don't know, Mace." I searched for a reasonable explanation. "Maybe the rule of two is a myth. Maybe Palpatine has a school of apprentices in training and only the best get to advance to his side."

Mace shook his head. "If that's the case, then you and I are going to get it right in the butt, Kenobi."

Mace's newly found vulgarity never ceased to amaze me. I wondered if this current incarnation of Mace was there all along, but his Jedi training had kept it at bay.

My visitor glanced out the window and observed the position of the suns. "Well, I'm off. See you in a few hours." Mace stood up and limped out of the hut without another word.

Every day since he arrived, Mace had left for Mos Espa at the same time. On the first day he had said he was going for supplies, but when he didn't return with any he confessed that he was gathering intel for the operation against the Empire. He always returned looking pale and drained, and usually fell asleep shortly thereafter.

The morning of our Gungan feast, Mace had nearly tracked me all the way to the Lars' homestead. When he confronted me I had told him that I was Force walking in order to stay in shape. I don't think he believed me, but he didn't question me any further.

Each day when Mace left I took the opportunity to check on Luke. I always made my way through the center of the Jundland Wastes to get there. At the bottom of the gully, travelers made perfect targets for the Tuskens who hid behind the large outcropping of rocks on either hillside. This is why no one dared to take this route, so I was free to come and go without ever being seen. At first the Tuskens viewed me as prey, but I quickly changed their point of view.

As I rounded the final rock formation before Owen's place, I felt a sudden sense of urgency. Grabbing my electrobinoculars I was shocked to see several Tuskens standing over three people sitting in the sand. It was Owen, whose arms were bound behind his back, and Beru who was holding a crying Luke.

As I lowered the binoculars, half a dozen Tuskens leapt down from the rocks above. Before I had the chance to react they were feeling around my pelvis, running their dirty little hands all over my junk. One of them found what they were looking for and snatched my lightsaber from my belt. While the thief ran towards the hostages, the remaining Tuskens piled on top of me in an attempt to keep me down.

They were strong little buggers and nearly forced me to the ground, but I managed to stay on my feet as they tried to shove my face into the sand. I Force pushed them all off of me, and as I was about to go after my saber, one of the Tuskens on the ground stabbed my foot with his gaderffii stick. The pain was overwhelming. I yanked the impaled object from out of my foot and struck the Tusken across the head with his own weapon.

Force running was out of the question, I was only able to limp after the thief. I helplessly watched as a Tusken knocked out Owen, and then left Beru and Luke behind as they moved towards several banthas.

I passed a bleeding, but still breathing, Owen laying in the sand with Beru leaning over him. Luke looked up and smiled at me. I made brief eye contact with Beru, and continued to limp past them in silence.

As the Tuskens mounted their banthas and started to ride off, I saw my lightsaber dangling from the thief's robe. Quieting my mind I was able to focus on the object and snatch it back from quite a distance away. I ignited my lightsaber and stood my ground. Surprisingly the Tuskens turned their banthas around and rode towards me.

For some reason the Tuskens really wanted my saber, so I decided that the only polite thing to do was to give it to them. As they surrounded me I spun on my one good foot and removed the legs of the banthas on which they rode. When the riders dug themselves out from under the fallen beasts, I happily took their heads.

The attackers who had first ambushed me were now headed my way. I couldn't believe the extremes these sand bastards were going through to obtain my saber. What was this all about? Having had enough and feeling the need to get off my injured foot, I threw my saber like a boomerang and sliced through the remaining Tuskens. Catching it on its return, I nodded to Beru and limped towards my hut.

"They were lying in wait for you."

The blue translucent ghost of Qui-Gon Jinn was suddenly walking beside me.

"The Tuskens?" I asked. "Yes, I know."

"Mace's routine has become your routine," Qui-Gon stated. With his arms folded across his chest, my former Master never looked so regal, or so at peace.

"So what are you saying Master?"

He turned and smiled at me, "The Tuskens were apparently interested in your lightsaber. Why would they need one?"

"Maybe because someone else is attacking them with one." My thoughts were racing. "Do you think Mace is slaughtering Tuskens? For what purpose?"

When I turned my former Master was gone.

What was the point of his visit? Was this what Qui-Gon had warned me about just before Mace reentered my life? It didn't make any sense.

I limped through my front door. My foot was throbbing from the sand and dirt that was packed into my open wound. Mace was passed out on my bed. His robe was slightly open and I could see a bloody bandage attached to his inner arm. It looked as if he had just given blood, and from the color of his skin he had given too much.

Besides Mace's apparent insanity, something more ominous was going on. I needed to find out what it was.

TATOOINE - Day 474:

Today I am going to discover what the former "Master" Windu has been up to. I don't like that he commandeered Anakin's lightsaber, and that Tuskens have been attacked by someone with a similar weapon. I don't like that Mace sneaks off every day for hours at a time and returns looking pale, weak and with a bloody bandage wrapped around his arm. Most importantly, I don't like Mace Windu, or rather what he's become. I sense the dark side in him. Mace always had the personality of a wet dish rag, but now he is downright bantha shit crazy. If need be, I will put him down. I have no problem severing limbs of old friends.

Mace glanced outside and noticing the positioning of the suns announced, "Well, it's about that time." Then he did something he hadn't done before, he placed his handless stub on my shoulder and said, "You have a safe mother fucking day, Kenobi."

The message was cryptic enough, but the feel of that rounded nub on my shoulder gave me the heebie-jeebies. Why didn't he get a damn artificial hand? And when was he ever going to bathe? He's been with me for eight days and I haven't seen him touch a drop of water. I don't know where his stub has been. Hell, I don't even know how he wipes after going to the bathroom, or if he even wipes at all.

So I waited a few minutes and followed the once great Jedi, who was now nothing more than a germ infested dirt bag. At first, his tracks led in the direction of Mos Espa, which is where he claimed to be going each day. Then, they veered off towards the Mospic High Range. I was convinced that I'd find Mace using the Tuskens for saber practice. I would have almost preferred that, because then I just could have killed him and that would have been the end of that.

I was fearful that I'd lose him in the Mospic Mountains, so I got within visual range. As he approached one of the region's many caves I was surprised to see him hide Anakin's lightsaber behind an outcropping of rocks. He then entered a cave. Why would he leave behind his best chance of surviving whatever was in that cave?

Feeling like I had finally caught a break, I retrieved Anakin's old lightsaber. I then stood in front of the cave and considered my next move. There was great pain coming from within the mountain. Something horrible was happening in there, and the dark side oozed out of every crack and crevice.

Taking my first step into the cave I felt an enormous wave of pain and fear wash over me. It was as though I was back on Mustafar about to face Anakin. As I journeyed further in, it became increasingly darker, and I was actually expecting Vader to leap out and attack me. In order to see where I was going and in preparation for the dark forces that dwelled within, I ignited my saber and continued down the winding path before me.

This cave which should have been overrun with various creatures was completely devoid of life. It was as if all the insects, reptiles and rodents knew this was a place of death, and therefore steered clear. Just as I had noticed this lack of life, I heard a scream coming from up ahead. I was not sure, but fairly convinced that it was Mace. After a few more twists and turns through the dark cavern and I saw a light ahead.

I entered a large area with an ocean of stalagmites, and within these formations I saw Mace hovering in a force field generator, the kind Count Dooku had me trapped in before the battle of Geonosis. There was a tube running out of his arm and his blood was being drained from him.

"Mace?" I whispered loudly to him. "What the hell is going on?"

"Kenobi, you dumb mother fucka," his speech was slurred. "You don't stand a chance against Vinto Tox."

Vinto? The word was familiar. Rodese, I believe. I've heard it before. I believe it meant "Jedi."

As I made my way to Mace in order to order to free him, I asked, "Jedi? Jedi what? What does 'Tox' stand for?"

Mace struggled to lift his head. His eyes were barely open and I could tell it took all his strength to speak. "Master, I did as you asked. I brought him here."

"What are you talking about, Mace?" I was completely baffled at this point, but I knew that we had to get out of here.

"Tox," a voice came from behind.

I spun around to find a Rodian standing right behind me, wielding Mace's purple lightsaber.

"It means vampire."

With that the Rodian began to crush my throat without him even touching me. I was lifted off the ground, feet dangling. There was nothing I could do. I was then thrown a great distance, and when I hit the cave wall there was only blackness.

TATOOINE - Day 478:

I became aware that I was floating, and engulfed in a beautiful blue light. I felt weak, but completely at peace. I had finally become one with the Force, and I was okay with that. Too many wars, too many lost friends, and too many dark side assholes had filled my life. I was done, and I wasn't going to miss it.

Then a blonde haired toddler entered my thoughts. I couldn't leave Luke behind. I didn't know what kind of powers I had as a Force ghost, or if I would be able to adequately protect him. Within a blink of an eye I understood my death was a tragedy. I needed to be alive. The thought of anything happening to Luke overwhelmed me with sadness.

"That's adorable, you're crying." The voice seemed to be coming from all around me.

I was slowly spinning, and as I turned I saw within the blue hue that surrounded me a dark green blur. After another rotation, the green blur came into focus and I could see a Rodian dressed in dark robe.

"Good morning, sunshine," Vinto Tox said. "You've been a real sleepyhead. You were unconscious for four days."

Condescending green dick!

It turns out I wasn't dead, I was trapped in a gravity force field. Glancing around, I saw no sign of Mace. Then I noticed the tubes running out of both of my arms.

"You're stealing my blood?"

Vinto Tox laughed. "You poor naive Jedi. It's amazing that you survived Order 66. However, to answer your silly question, no, I am not stealing your blood."

I struggled to break free, but to no avail. "Then what the hell are you doing to me, Rodian scum?!"

"No need to resort to name calling, Master Kenobi. We're all civilized beings here." He strolled over to the cave's wall where three lightsabers hung, and gently stroked one of them. "I am quite literally filtering the Force out of your body."

I mustered up all my strength to laugh, then muttered, "Bullshit!"

"Language, sir. Please?" Vinto Tox shook his head in disgust. "Your colleague, Mace Windu, informed me of the midi-chlorian lie that the Jedi told parents of potential Padawans."

"I was never involved in any of that." I always disagreed with that practice.

"Oh, but Master Kenobi, you are aware that your precious Jedi Council did in fact make up the concept of microscopic creatures called midi-chlorians to help convince parents to give up possession of their Force sensitive children?"

I refused to respond.

"So," Tox walked towards me, "once again the Jedi Council told you a half truth. There are no microscopic creatures in your bloodstream, but there is something. Something, that all Force sensitive beings have."

Leaning in, his large black unblinking eyes examined me, as his antennas darted back and forth in a scanning fashion. The dry green lips at the end of his snout formed the slightest smile. "Poor Master Kenobi. You didn't know, did you? You have something coursing through your veins that the average creature does not. And I have learned how to extract it."

"I don't believe you," I said, trying to convince myself.

"Well then, Master Kenobi, maybe a demonstration is in order." He seemed overly pleased that I had challenged him.

Strolling over to the control panel, Vinto Tox switched off the gravity force field, and I fell helplessly to the cave floor.

He stood over me, sending the message that I was not to be feared. "Within your precious bodily fluids is a substance that once extracted can give anyone Force powers."

"You're insane!" I could barely keep my head off the ground.

"Again with the name calling? Really, Master Kenobi. Your reputation was greatly exaggerated."

My head was swimming with confusion and pain. I had never felt so weak in all my life. Even though I was having trouble holding myself up off the ground, I was free, and knew I needed to seize this opportunity.

"You are a curious little bugger." Vinto Tox laughed. "I can sense what you're thinking. You want to escape, so be my guest. Your lightsaber is hanging on the wall over there. Force pull it to yourself and strike me down."

Propping myself up on one elbow I raised my hand towards the saber. No matter how desperately I tried I could not move it. For the first time in my life I couldn't feel the Force within me.

Vinto Tox began to cackle. He went on and on. It was a horrible sound that rivaled only that of C-3PO explaining the percentages of a situation's success or failure, and maybe that of having to listen to Jar Jar trying to apologize for something.

Even though no one was touching me, I felt a tightness around my throat. As the feeling increased, I was suddenly lifted off the ground, and dangled there.

Tox's cackle increased in volume. "You see, Master Kenobi? I was never Force sensitive, but here I am slowly squeezing the life from your Forceless body."

I was growing lightheaded from the lack of oxygen. I noticed Mace enter the area and managed to squeeze out a few words, "Mace...please...lightsaber...stop him..."

Vinto Tox dropped me to the ground and watched as Mace Windu retrieved his purple bladed saber from the cave's wall.

Gasping for air I begged Mace once more, "Please..."

The old Jedi Master stood over me, then turned and handed the lightsaber to Vinto Tox.

"Wha...?" was all I could get out.

"Master Windu," Tox began, "Would you be a doll and return Master Kenobi to his place in the gravity force field?"

Mace did exactly that. As he placed my hands and feet into the restraints I managed a question, "Why?"

Mace's one good eye refused to look at me. "I must obey my Master."

TATOOINE- Day 479:

I woke up on the cold wet rock floor of the cave. I didn't see Vinto Tox, so I thought I could make a break for it, but I couldn't even sit up. I hadn't felt this exhausted since Mustafar, and believe it or not I felt weaker right now.

It was Mace's turn to float about in the gravity force field, having his Force energy sucked dry.

"Mace?" I whispered loudly. "Mace?!"

He rotated around and when he was finally facing me, responded, "What?"

"We need to try and get out of here before Tox comes back!"

Mace smiled weakly and said, "Kenobi you ignorant sucka, he's going to let us go."

"What are you talking about?"

Just then, Vinto Tox crept out of the ocean of stalagmites. He was holding a glass container and knelt in front of me. "Resting comfortably, I presume?"

"Suck my lightsaber." I was hoping my words would hurt him more than I was physically capable of.

"Such rudeness," he smirked. "And in my own home."

"Well, you can keep your lizard ass in this cave, but I for one am getting out of here."

"But of course, Master Kenobi." Vinto Tox glanced over at Mace. "As soon as Master Windu is done with his dialysis you are both free to leave."

Not trusting my new arch nemesis, I asked, "So, what have you done to me?"

He chuckled slightly and said, "I thought you'd never ask." He held up the glass container in front of me. It was filled with an orange powder. "This, my friend, is your purity of essence."

"My what?!" This guy was a whole new level of crazy.

"In simple terms, Master Kenobi, it is your Force energy. And yours just happens to be orange." He opened the container's lid. "Master Windu's Force energy is purple, which I think is nice because it matches his whole color motif."

Tox reached into the container with his long green fingers, and scooped up some of the orange powder with his suction cup-like finger tips. He then proceeded to sprinkle the powder into the opening of his antenna.

"Wow," I felt my mouth fall open. "You really are fucked up."

"Ah, ah, ah," he said, shaking his suction cupped index finger at me. "Mind your manners."

Vinto Tox raised his other hand and began Force choking me. I grabbed at my neck in a futile attempt to free myself.

I could hear Mace's voice, as he turned slowly in the background. "Stop trying to piss the brother off."

Tox released me, and as I attempted to regain my breath he informed me, "You will learn your place, Jedi."

"Who are you?" My voice creaked out.

"I am Vinto Tox, and I am not to be trifled with."

"No," I said defiantly. "You were not born 'The Jedi Vampire'. I want to know who you really are."

"You are correct, Master Kenobi, 'Vinto Tox' was not my given name. Just like Anakin Skywalker wasn't born Darth Vader, but nevertheless that is who we are now."

I was in complete shock. "How do you know about Vader's identity?"

Tox chuckled, "Everyone on Coruscant knew, silly. Well everyone, except apparently your little friend over there."

I turned to look at Mace. His one eye tore right through me. There was such hatred in his stare, I believe if he had any Force energy left he would have killed me instantly. When Mace had shown up at my hut acting completely insane I had told him that I destroyed Anakin. I now had a feeling I was going to pay for that half-truth.

"I guess," Tox continued, "it was the rest of the yahoos in the galaxy that still have no clue where Vader came from."

"So, you said you were going to let us go?"

"Yes, Master Kenobi." His politeness was really starting to grate on my nerves. "When I found Master Windu on Coruscant..."

"Wait! I thought Jar Jar Binks found Mace?"

"No," Tox began, "that's what I told Mace to tell you. We recruited Mr. Binks later after he had been kicked out of the Senate for being a Jedi sympathizer. As I was saying, after I nursed Master Windu back to health, he was rather reluctant to join my program. So I kept him trapped for weeks at a time, constantly draining him of his Force energy. The next phase was to allow him some freedom, and every time he escaped I dragged him back to my laboratory and drained him even further. I finally got him conditioned to report to me every twenty-four hours, which worked out rather nicely."

I looked at Mace, who still displayed hatred for me, and I felt sorry for him. "Why every twenty-four hours?"

"Smart question, Master Kenobi." His evil green lips smiled as much as they were capable of. "The Force energy I drain from you is not gone forever. As soon as I release you your body begins to replenish it. Through trial and error, I discovered that allowing your body to rejuvenate for twenty-four hours gives it enough time to make your Force energy worth harvesting, but keeps you weak enough in order for you to not pose a threat. It's pure genius, if I must say so myself."

"You're insane, Tox," I barked at him. "I will never bow to your whim."

"That's what they all say, Jedi." He placed his hand on my knee as if he was trying to comfort me in his own twisted way. "In all honesty, Obi-Wan, this breaks my heart to inform you, but you will call me Master."

"When I gather my strength, Vinto Tox, or whatever your real name is, I'm going to shove your green head up your green ass!"

Tox let out a genuine laugh. "You are more than welcome to try, Master Kenobi. But know this, Mace is not the first Jedi I've enslaved. I've been stockpiling the Force essence for years. So if you think you can hide and wait me out, you can't. Although my powers slowly fade, I have enough of that lovely powder to last me for years to come. And I discovered that taking a pinch of a few different Jedi at once increases my power in the most spectacular way."

With that, Vinto Tox stood up and made his way to the three lightsabers which hung from the wall. He picked up Mace's and clipped it to his belt.

"Master Kenobi," he said as he made his way towards the cave's exit, "feel free to release your friend, gather your sabers and take your leave of this place. I will see you both here this time tomorrow." He turned and headed out.

I called after him. "Wait, Tox! Are you the one that has been slaughtering the Tuskens?"

He stopped and slowly turned around. "If you are referring to the savages known as Sand People, then yes I have. I did not have the benefit of being born a Jedi, so I take target practice where ever I can."

Vinto Tox then turned and left.

I managed to get Mace down from the force field. He appeared to be completely drained of energy. Both of us grabbed a lightsaber and I supported Mace the best I could as we made our way out of the cave.

Reaching the outside, the binary suns seemed to breathe life back into Mace, as he was now able to walk on his own. He trailed slightly behind as we made our way up the dunes.

Then I heard a lightsaber ignite, Anakin's lightsaber to be precise. I spun around to find Mace lunging at me.

"You told me you destroyed him, mother fucka!"

TATOOINE - Day 480:

"Do I look like a bitch?!"

What an odd question. I honestly had no idea how to answer.

"I said, 'Do I look like a bitch?!'"

Mace was not playing, even though he was swinging Anakin's lightsaber around like a careless child.

"Do I look like a bitch?!" Each time he asked this bizarre question he swung the blade into the sand causing me to be sprayed with tiny shards of glass.

My hilt was still on my belt, for I had the high ground, and we all know how that goes.

"Mace, buddy? Put the lightsaber down, ok?" I tried not to sound too pathetic, but Vinto Tox had drained me of all my Force energy, so I really didn't have much fight left in me.

"Buddy?!" Mace raged. "Don't 'buddy' me, mother fucka! I will mess you up!"

The veins in his neck were pulsating, and I swore his one bad eye, the gross milky one, was about to burst out of his head like a squeezed pimple.

As Mace continued to swing the saber wildly, I backed up the dune until we reached the top. Now on level ground Mace raised the lightsaber to my face.

"Last time, Kenobi. Do I look like a bitch?"

I rested my hand on my hilt. "Well Mace, I have no idea what the hell you are even asking me, but I would wager to guess that I'm supposed to answer 'no.' So...no, you don't look like a bitch."

"Then why you trying to pork me like one, Kenobi?!"

He raised the lightsaber and swung it down just as I was able to block it with my own. Our locked sabers gave off blinding flashes of light and were accompanied by the horrible sizzling sound that I never did get used to.

"I could have destroyed Palpatine," Mace screamed at me, "and prevented this Empire from rising!"

Mace attacked again. I countered. We were so drained that we must have looked like two drunk jerks trying out lightsabers for the first time. Both of us could barely stand.

"You know what stopped me from destroying the Sith Lord?" he asked, rhetorically. "Anakin Skywalker! You know, that bastard Padawan we all told you not to train?!"

Fighting Mace was exhausting, but having to listen to his bullshit was torture. I stopped restraining myself and broke through his defenses. Just missing his neck I managed to lob off about six inches of his crazy white beard and it blew across the sand like a hairball tumbleweed.

"You've turned to the dark side, Mace. Vinto Tox has turned you into someone you weren't meant to be."

Mace chuckled evilly, "My Master saved me, while you were supposedly destroying the future Darth Vader!"

Both of us out of breath, mindlessly swung at each other.

"Mace, when I left Anakin on Mustafar he was being burned alive, and I had just severed all his limbs!"

"Well dumbass, I guess that wasn't good enough. Was it, Kenobi?" Mace's anger kept him going, kept him focused. "That mother scratcher destroyed my life!"

I lowered my saber hoping Mace wouldn't decide to make me become one with the Force. Catching my breath I said, "Anakin destroyed countless lives, younglings, Jedi, and the innocent. He will most likely destroy countless more."

"The Chosen One, my black ass!" Mace lowered his weapon. "That is why we need to stop them."

I looked at Mace in disbelief. "You and I aren't strong enough to take on Palpatine and Vader, especially with Tox draining us of our Force powers."

Without hesitancy Mace responded, "My Master can take them."

"Your Master?" I was beside myself. "Your Master is bantha fodder! He took advantage of you when we all thought you were dead. He's not Jedi, he's not Sith, he's nothing more than a common criminal with delusions of grandeur. He will suck you dry, Mace, and not in a good way."

"LIAR!"

Mace tackled me to the sand. He began punching me with his handless stub. It felt like getting poked in the face with a skinless bone, and it was more gross than painful. Sand was getting in my mouth, and I had really had enough of all this nonsense. I attempted to Force push him off of me but nothing happened. I had dropped my lightsaber so I felt around for a rock to bash his insane head in with, that's when I noticed the tribe of Tuskens watching us.

"Umm, Mace?"

Mace continued to poke at my face in the most annoying manner, as his sweat dripped into my mouth and eyes.

"Umm, Mace?" I grabbed his stub. "We have company."

He sat up and looked around. Our groins were touching in an overly friendly manner, so I pushed him off of me.

The Tuskens charged.

"They think we're Tox!" I screamed to Mace as we struggled to our feet.

Vinto Tox had received no Jedi training, and that included dueling with sabers. So that butt head took it upon himself to go out with Mace's lightsaber and kill a bunch of Tuskens for practice. Now the Tuskens saw us two idiots rolling around the sand with lightsabers and think we're to blame.

Against my better judgement I stood back to back with Mace as our Jedi training had instructed. We lit our sabers and waited.

Considering how tired we were, we slaughtered a couple dozen Tusken Warriors without too much trouble. As I stepped across the blood soaked sand and over the various limbs and heads, I couldn't help but feel somewhat hopeful that even without my Force powers I could still wield a saber like a bad mofo.

Mace and I walked the rest of the way to my hut in silence. Although he was now a brainwashed psychopath, it felt good fighting beside him again. Unfortunately, I believed that it might be our last time.

TATOOINE - Day 484:

It's been seventy-two hours since Vinto Tox released me from his cave of horror. For every one of those hours I've been expecting him to come after me. It's nearly impossible to sleep when you know there is something out there hunting you for your power.

Mace has continued to return to the cave once a day, like a well-trained Kowakian monkey-lizard. He allowed Tox to drain him of his Force essence, and then came back to my hut like nothing happened.

It must be getting near that time again because Mace was getting antsy, pacing around my close quarters. Soon our daily argument would begin.

"Kenobi?"

I was meditating, and pretended not to hear him.

"Kenobi?!"

I slowly pulled myself out of my meditative state, making him wait as long as possible. "Yes?"

"Our Master is waiting," Mace said while nervously rubbing his handless stub.

"He's not my Master."

"He is too, you damn fool," Mace whispered, for some reason. "You just haven't accepted it yet."

I picked myself up off the floor and sat calmly in a chair. Since Vinto Tox extracted my Force essence and converted it into a powder that he weirdly rubs into his gross antennas, I have felt myself growing stronger. Tox was right about that much. Even though he drained me completely, my body has slowly replenished its Force power. Could I take him now?

"We must obey our Master," Mace said calmly, trying to rationalize with me.

"Stop drinking that Rodian's Kool-Aid."

Mace's dead eye nearly popped out of his head. "What the hell is Kool-Aid?!"

Taking in Mace's appearance and situation, I shook my head in disgust. "You used to be a great Jedi."

"There are no damn Jedi, Kenobi. You and your Padawan made sure of that!"

"We were all fooled by a great lie."

"Blah, blah, blah, mother fucka." It was obvious Mace was bored with this old argument.

"We all made tragic mistakes, Mace. It doesn't mean you have to crawl on the ground like a womp rat, roll over and present your belly to him. Get away from Vinto Tox."

"Damn, Kenobi. Don't you think I tried that shit?" Mace cleared his throat. "He is my Master. He saved my life. He nursed me back to health when everyone else turned their friggin backs on me."

"Mace," I looked upon him with a great sense of shame, "the Jedi all believed that Palpatine had killed you. And Tox only took care of you so that he would have an endless supply of Force essence."

"Man," Mace huffed, "shut up!" With that he stormed out of my hut.

As I watched Mace willingly walk towards his own eventual doom, I reflected on how the former Master Jedi had gone through such a metamorphosis. Before the Clone Wars Mace Windu had the personality of a space pirate frozen in carbonite, there was nothing there. Now, he was a defeated, foul mouthed, psychotic, who fueled another madman's quest for power.

How was this going to end, and when was Tox going to come for me?

Regardless, I had a mission to maintain, and it took precedent over all of this other insanity. So I walked to the Lars homestead to check up on the real Chosen One.

Luke was digging in the sand as he usually did, burying Beru's feet, then waddling around as she chased him. It was a beautiful scene, something that was almost mine, but it was too dangerous to happen. Sometimes being a hermit really sucked wampa balls.

Seeing that all was well with Luke, I made my way back through the Jundland Wastes. I allowed my mind to reflect on the time I had Beru all to myself, in bed. Yes, being allowed to have sexual relations was one of the good things that came out of Order 66. But after we broke a few bed springs, she was kidnapped by Boba Fett and held hostage by Jabba the Hutt. It was as a result of this that my 'getting busy' days were over.

Being lost in my perverted thoughts I had not noticed the two figures walking towards me. It was Mace with Vinto Tox, and they both held lightsaber hilts in their hands. They tracked me down and corned me in this narrow ravine. Bastards.

As we closed in on each other Tox shouted to me, "Master Kenobi, how I've missed you!"

"Oh, blow it out your green ass, Tox!" Man, did I hate Rodians.

Vinto Tox chuckled politely, as Mace walked silently beside him with a blank expression on his face.

Tox waited until he was standing before me so he need not yell, "Tsk, tsk, tsk, I'm quite disappointed in you, Master Kenobi. You refused my offer, and stood me up for four days. How rude."

"'Offer' implies that I was given a choice, and if that's the case you can kiss my Jedi ass!"

Tox curled his green lips. "Feeling stronger, are we?"

I ignited my saber. "Care to come a tad closer, Vox. Your Basic isn't so good."

"You insult me, sir." Tox feigned being offended. "You think me a moronic lizard man from a backwards planet?"

"Kind of, yeah."

"Ha!" Tox threw his head back. "I am no simpleton, Master Kenobi. Your saber skills are legendary. So I will not be enticed into a duel with you."

"Come on, lizard man," I smirked, "let me show you what I can do."

"No thank you, sir. But let me show you something." Tox reached into his cloak and pulled out a glass vial. "You know what this is, Master Kenobi?"

I did not want to know.

"Probably wise to hold your tongue," Tox said, as he opened the vial and sprinkled the green powder onto his antennas. "This is the essence of Count Dooku. It was not easy to obtain, so I save it for special occasions."

I could feel the color leave my face. If he could capture a Sith Lord, what kind of a chance did I stand against him?

Vinto Tox twisted and contorted his body as if he were experiencing tremendous pain. Then, as quickly as it started it ended and he gathered his composure.

"Now then," Tox said, "where were we? Oh yes!"

He raised his hand and I was suddenly flying into the ravine wall. He held me there for a moment, and then flung me against the other side. I felt like a youngling that was being tossed around by a rancor.

As I was pinned against the rock surface, he raised his voice slightly so that I wouldn't miss a word. "I don't want to kill you, Master Kenobi. One doesn't slaughter their prize blue milk producing bantha. However, I really do want to hurt you. So this might sting a bit."

Vinto Tox raised both his hands, as Mace stood beside him staring down at the sand.

"Mace!" I screamed, then suddenly it happened.

Blue Force lightning shot out of the Rodian's hands. My body was instantaneously engulfed in an electrified field. My body seized up, twisting into painful positions. Besides feeling the ultimate pain, the only other thing I was aware of was the smell of my sizzling flesh.

I heard laughter, then blacked out.

TATOOINE - Day 485:

I woke up to the familiar feel of the cave's floor pushing up against my aching bones. I had been drained of my Force powers yet again, but somehow this time felt different because I had enough strength to sit up immediately.

This crap had to end. I made a promise to myself that I would never let Vinto Tox steal my Force essence again.

I saw Mace spinning in the gravity force field, getting his turn at being drained. I thought about standing up and walking straight out of here, leaving Mace behind. After all, it was that spineless ball sack that led Vinto Tox right to me.

As I stood, I took note that Tox was nowhere to be seen. I grabbed my lightsaber, as well as Anakin's, from their hooks on the wall. I did not presently possess my Force powers, but I felt strong enough to swing my saber and decapitate Tox's green ugly head from his green ugly body.

I made a decision, one that I hoped wouldn't come back to bite me in the ass. Instead of leaving the cave, I decided to venture farther in to it. The first thing I did was to drive my lightsaber's blade through the machine that was stealing Mace's Force essence, hoping it was Tox's only model. Then I made my way down a dark path I hadn't been before, using my saber as a light source.

After a few narrow twists and turns I came to a metallic door. Taking a page from Qui-Gon's book of kicking ass, I plunged my saber into the barrier. I felt a great sense of satisfaction as the metal glowed orange and began to melt. I slowly carved myself out a circle, while continually checking over my shoulder for Tox.

I entered a long room which had an overhead light source, and was shocked to discover hundreds of Force essence vials filling the shelves. What was even more devastating were the names on the vials, besides myself and Mace, there was Kit Fisto, Plo Kloon, Ki-Di-Mundi, Ahsoka Tano and Yaddle. How was this possible? How could Vinto Tox abduct half of the Jedi Council and steal their Force essence without anyone knowing?

In the back of the room was the dark side section. I came across the names Count Dooku and Darth...

Suddenly, there was a thunderous scream coming from down the corridor, "KENOBI!"

The lights flickered and went out as I heard large objects being tossed against the cave's wall. In the dark I reached out and grabbed a vial, just in case.

Then there was silence. I used the light from my saber to find my way back to Mace, who lay in a fetal position on the floor and in the dark. Just as I bent down to see if he was alive I was Force pushed against the wall and held there.

"You dick!" I heard a voice say.

"Excuse me?" I replied, feeling quite cocky. I had dropped both sabers, but managed to hold on to the vial.

The saber which had once belonged to Mace Windu now illuminated Vinto Tox's face. The purple blade along with Tox's green Rodian skin gave his face a blackish shiny hue. "You've destroyed my machine, Kenobi! The only one of its kind."

"Oh, that's terrible news," I scoffed. "Maybe you can get it repaired."

"Very funny, you Jedi douche." Tox was not amused. "No one can fix this. The Hutt who I stole it from on Coruscant said it was ancient Sith technology. Now that Hutt is dead, just like this machine, and just like you and your friend will be in a minute."

Vinto Tox dropped me to the ground and refocused his attention on Mace. As he lifted him, I took the opportunity to break the vial on the ground and quickly snorted the Force essence that had spilled out.

Just then the backup generator kicked in and the lights were restored. That's when I noticed the name on the vial, it read Darth Maul.

"Oh crap," I heard myself say out loud.

The irony of having the Force essence of the Sith who killed my Master, and who I then cut in half was not lost on me. In fact, thinking about it made me overwhelmingly angry. I felt my fists and teeth clench as my body began to shake. I was going to rip apart Vinto Tox and Mace Windu. They were utterly useless, and they deserved to die.

I realized that the dark side was coursing through my body. Maul, you magnificent bastard, you're going to help me defeat this Rodian once and for all.

I stood up, and said in a deep commanding voice, "Tox!"

Tox dropped Mace immediately.

"What the hell, Kenobi?" Mace asked. "What'd you go and do now? Your eyes are orange."

"So they are." Vinto Tox attempted a smile.

"Tox," I continued, "at an end, your reign of terror is. And none too soon, I might add."

I pulled my saber from off the ground and began Force choking Tox. As I squeezed the life out of him, he struggled to open a vial. Once he got the cap off, he rubbed its contents on his antennas. Shaking for only a moment, Tox lifted his hand and began Force choking me back.

We stood there for some time, deadlocked, Force choking the crap out of each other.

In the interim, Mace had grabbed Anakin's saber and slowly crawled toward Tox, toward his Master.

Beginning to feel lightheaded as my voice box was slowly being crushed, I managed to squeak out, "Mace...help..."

Tox struggled to speak as well, "He's...my...servant..."

That was it, I had enough of this bantha poodoo. I broke off my Force choke of Tox and used both hands to concentrate on the rocky ceiling above his head. The cave began to shake violently. Finally a large crack was heard and dozens of medium sized boulders caved in on Vinto Tox.

Taking Mace by the ankle I dragged him towards the exit of the cave, all the while I used the strength of Darth Maul to bring the cave crashing in on itself.

I don't know if it was the loss of his Master, or the loss of his trademark purple lightsaber, but Mace began to cry like a youngling being sliced up by Darth Vader. "No!" he whimpered over and over, as I weaved us through the falling debris.

When we finally made it outside, I left Mace on the ground and returned to the entrance of the cave. I lifted both arms high into the air and gathered up the last of the dark side power which flowed within me. When I felt I had a solid grip on the mountain's innards, I threw my hands down, forcing what was left of the cave to be crushed from above.

Dust and debris flew out of the cave's entrance, causing me to jump to the side in order to avoid the shards of rock. My Force powers had been tapped out, and I would need a few days to replenish my strength.

Vinto Tox's cave of terror was now his tomb. The "Jedi Vampire" was no more.

Fuck him.

TATOOINE - Day 499:

Two weeks. It's been two weeks since I caused the cave to come crashing down on that Force sucking bastard. Vinto Tox is no more, but by the way Mace has been acting you'd never know it. He's like a sniveling death stick junkie who desperately needs a fix. It's totally pathetic. He's a shell of his former self, and has turned into a mindless drone.

My Force powers have returned to their full strength. I'm assuming it's the same situation for Mace, only he's refusing to use his powers for some reason.

The first few days after our liberation from Vinto Tox, Mace aimlessly paced the hut. He was in a state of sheer panic. As he walked in circles he spoke of his Master and scratched at the small hole in his arm from where he had been hooked up to the machine. He picked at it so feverishly that he tore the needle sized hole wide open, and lost quite a bit of blood in the process.

When the mindless pacing ended, the depression set in. Mace stopped eating and sleeping, his foul-mouthed dialogue even came to an abrupt end. Then Mace started leaving the hut at the same time each day, the time he had usually left to meet with Tox. After a few days of this I decided to follow him and discovered that he had returned to the collapsed cave and was manually moving boulders, as if he were trying to dig his Master out.

The next day I blocked him from leaving the hut. "Where are you going, Windu?"

"I must free my Master," he said, refusing to make eye contact.

I slapped him almost as hard as I could. "Mace, you ignorant slut! You are free from that jerks hold over you. You need to accept that!"

"But he saved my life. I owe him a life debt."

"You owe him nothing!" I was furious. "He didn't save you, he enslaved you!"

Staring at the dirt floor, all Mace had to say was, "I don't know."

Completely frustrated by the former Jedi Master who stood before me, now a spineless boob, I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. "Come on! Snap out of it Mace, call me a mother fucka or something."

He slumped to the floor and began weeping.

That night I slept in front of the hut's door, and after a few days of that he no longer tried to return to the cave.

I felt the pull of Luke and my neglected mission to watch over him. I don't know if I was just fed up with Mace, or that I felt I could trust him, but I started leaving him alone in order to check on the Lars homestead. Most of the time Luke was outside with Beru, and watching her I began to get the familiar longing in my groin. I could kill that slug Owen so easily, take his place, and be happy once again. I could move into their home and live underground with Luke and Beru, and forget all the freaks and assholes that Tatooine had to offer. But once again there was always the issue of their safety. I was a scumbag magnet, attracted them like flies and as long as I was around they'd always be in danger.

This morning when my one-eyed, one-handed guest woke up he informed me that he was going for a walk, but promised to stay away from the cave. Today I really didn't care what he did. I had an intense feeling telling me to get to Owen's place and check on Luke. Something significant was going to happen today, and I knew that part of that involved getting to see Beru again.

As I walked through the desolation of the Jundland Wastes I came across my blood stains on the canyon walls where Vinto Tox had tossed me around like some kind of space rag doll. Thank the Maker he was dead. And I still couldn't get over how much he had Mace by the short and curlies.

When I got within range of the Lars place I saw a figure standing alone outside waving their arms in the air. Peeking through my binoculars I was surprised to discover it was Beru, and she appeared to be waving for me come and talk to her.

The closer I got to her the more excited I became. She was smiling at me in a way that she hadn't done since we had done the deed together. Maybe Owen was dead! My dreams had finally come true!

"Hello Obi," the words rolled off her luscious tongue and through her tasty lips like beautiful music (and I'm talking good music, not that crap they play in the cantina).

She gave me a look that I could feel in my hip pocket. "What can I do for you, Beru."

"Owen is inside with one of your friends." She smiled deliciously. "I thought maybe you'd like to come in for a bit and join us."

"One of my friends?"

"Yes, the man said he sold you your vaporator. He's trying to cut a deal with Owen."

Dammit, not only was Owen still alive but someone was posing as my friend, and considering I didn't have any this couldn't be good.

I followed Beru. When we entered the dining room I nearly crapped my robe. There, laughing it up beside Owen was Mace Windu!

"Mr. Kenobi!" Mace said with too much enthusiasm. He stood up and made me shake his creepy stub. "I was just telling Mr. Lars here about the great deal I got you on your vaporator."

"Yes," I said cautiously, "what a shocking deal it was."

Beru motioned for me to take a seat and poured me a glass of her infamously disgusting blue milk. As I took a polite sip I felt her toes moving up my leg.

What the hell did I walk into here?!

Then Luke starting calling from inside the kitchen.

"Well," Owen said, "I guess he's done playing. Excuse me for a moment."

Just as Owen stood and left the table, Beru quickly withdrew her foot from my crotch.

I was completely overwhelmed. And as I stared viciously into Mace's one good eye he leaned in and wanted to know why Owen dressed like a Jedi. It took all my strength not to decapitate him right then and there.

Owen returned holding Luke. The Chosen One quickly made eye contact with me and giggled in delight.

"Oh, Mr. Kenobi," Mace began, "I don't know if you've met their little one. This is Luke, Luke Skywalker." As the words left his wretched mouth it twisted his lips into an evil grin.

That's when I realized I was going to have to kill this bastard.

TATOOINE - Day 500:

"Are you understanding the words coming out of my fucking mouth?!"

"I will not let you harm one hair on that boy's head, Mace." I was growing tired of this argument.

Mace looked around the Jundland Wastes as if the answer were hidden within its rocky terrain.

"Listen Kenobi," he sounded calmer, "I know killing a toddler is some fucked-up repugnant shit. But it's got to be done!"

"You know who also killed toddlers, Mace? Anakin did. You want to be like him?"

"That's why the boy's got to die. He's gonna grow up and do the same ass shit!"

It wasn't easy getting Mace out of the Lars' dining room, not with Anakin's son staring right at him. But I made up some bogus excuse that I was having problems with the vaporator that he supposedly sold me. Plus, I added in something about him being able to return to the Lars homestead later to finish his business with Owen. I also gave Beru a look that said take Luke and run.

Now, as we walked slowly back towards my hut I gauged his words and thoughts, and I wondered how long it would be before I had to kill him.

"He is the Chosen One," was all I could think to say.

"Ah, that's bullshit Kenobi, and you know it. First his mothafuckin father is the Chosen One, then after that asshole cuts off my hand and leaves me for dead, you decide his mothafuckin son is it? My ass may be dumb Kenobi, but I ain't no dumbass."

"You should listen to reason, Mace."

Windu's dead eye nearly erupted from his weather beaten face. "And you should have listened when we told you not to train Anakin!"

"Luke is not his father." I moved closer to Mace to enunciate my point.

"Don't do that! Don't you fucking do that! Don't blow this shit off!"

I took a step closer.

"Man, you best back off, I'm getting a little pissed here." Mace began nervously rubbing his stub.

I was desperate, so I tried a mind trick on him. "I will train the boy. He will grow to be a great Jedi."

Mace smiled. "That's an interesting point. Now please allow me to retort."

Within a flash he Force pulled the lightsaber from off my belt.

"Well, well, well, Kenobi, looky what we have here." Mace was quite pleased with himself. "Now I got two lightsabers. The ultimate weapon for when you absolutely, positively got to kill every mothafucka in the goddamn room. Ha-HAAAA!"

"Mace," I began to panic, "he's just a boy, he doesn't deserve to die."

"Yes, he does deserve to die, and I hope he and his father burn in hell!" He began to pace around me. "Now, get on your knees Kenobi."

"I will not." I stood strong. "I will not allow you to kill him."

"Shit Kenobi! That's all you had to say."

Then I felt the hilt of a saber come down on the back of my head, and there was blackness.

"Wake up Obi, before it's too late."

As I forced my eyes open the dual suns blinded me, but only for a moment. There, standing above me in a blue luminescence was Qui-Gon Jinn.

"How long was I out for?" I asked my former Master.

"Only a minute or so," he looked concerned, which couldn't be good. "If you hurry you might get there in time to save Luke."

I stood up, head pounding and thanked Qui-Gon.

"Run, Obi, Run!" He called after me.

I arrived back at the Lars place just in time to here Mace interrogating Owen. I stayed out of sight in order to assess the situation.

"If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions. Got that Otto?"

"It's Owen, sir."

I could hear the terror in Owen's voice.

"I don't remember asking you a Goddamn thing, Otto!"

"Yes, s-s-sir."

"But tell me this, Otto. Why you be dressing like a mothafuckin Jedi?"

"I-I-I'm not."

"Don't bullshit me, Otto." I could sense Mace moving about in the next room. "You always had some wet dream to become a Jedi? Admit it."

"I-I-I-I..."

"Shut your face!" Mace yelled. Then I heard a saber ignite. "Now the moment of truth, Otto. The six million credit question, where you hiding the kid?"

"They left! Ok, they left!"

Even in the other room I could smell Owen urinating himself. I peeked around the corner and saw Mace leaning in, nearly touching noses with Owen.

"Beru sensed that something was off between you and Kenobi, so she took the boy in the landspeeder and left for Mos Eisley. She was going to ask the Hutts to hide them."

"See Otto, I knew you could be reasonable. Now you don't have to die like a bitch, even though you do have to die."

I would have liked nothing more than to see Owen being decapitated, but I couldn't let Mace be the one to do it. So, I Force pulled my saber back from Mace's belt, and caught it as I leapt in between the two men.

"Not today, Mace!" I commanded as our sabers clashed.

"Oh thank you, thank you Kenobi!"

"Shut up!" Mace and I said in unison to the sniveling moisture farmer.

Mace did a back flip, clearing enough room between us that he was able to run his mouth off again. "Tell me Otto, how does it feel to know that Kenobi is slipping his saber to your wife?"

I lunged at Mace, and as our sabers met, we were face to face in a test of strength.

Mace projected his voice over me, still talking to Owen. "I guess if you were unable to perform with your wife, then maybe Otto, just maybe Kenobi was doing you a favor."

"You bastard!" Owen screamed like teenage girl, and before I knew it he was on my back.

This broke my concentration just long enough for Mace to Force push the both of us over the living room furniture and across the room.

As I shook off the several blows I received to my head, I heard Mace say, "Enough of this happy bantha shit, boys, I've got a speeder to catch." Then I felt the whooshing of his Force run.

I tossed the coffee table off of me and stood up. Owen was desperately holding on to my ankle. "We will finish this another time." With my free leg I kicked him in the face, getting him to let go and knocking him out at the same time.

Damn that felt good.

I ran as fast as my legs and the Force would allow. The dust clouds before me made it easy to follow his lead.

I got as far as Slauce Canyon when I saw that Mace had caught up to the landspeeder. As he ran beside it he used his saber, Anakin's saber, to slice one of the rear thrusters in half. The landspeeder spun out and came to a dead stop right before the cliff's edge.

I was almost there. The fate of the galaxy would be determined within a few seconds.

Mace approached the battered vehicle. He stood at the passenger side and lifted the saber into the air. Still out of range, I closed my eyes. Time seemed to freeze. I lifted my saber from my belt and ignited it. Still with eyes closed I threw it and heard the whine of the blade going end over end. Just as Mace brought down the blue blade towards an unsuspecting Luke, my saber sliced off his left leg.

Mace whaled and fell to the sand. Then an utterly barbaric sound boomed out of Mace Windu. "FUCK YOU KENOBI!!!"

I slowed my approach and pulled my saber back to me. Mace, realizing he was beat, dropped Anakin's saber and used his one good hand to pull himself up.

"It's over Mace," I warned, "you don't need to die."

Then he did the unexpected, he reached into the landspeeder and lifted Luke out. He looked around frantically until he formed his plan.

"I'm sorry, did I break your concentration mothafucka?" He said, as he began hopping towards the cliff's drop off.

Beru screamed, and I begged him to reconsider. I told him if he killed that boy I would end his life as well. "But that's probably what you had in mind this whole time," I said mainly for my own benefit.

"Well check out the big brain on Obi," he mocked.

Just a few steps from the cliffs edge Mace Windu made his final mistake. He attempted to move Luke from one arm to the other, and during that fraction of a second when he no longer had a tight grip I was able to Force pull Luke out of his arms and send him flying into Beru's. However, at that same moment Mace pulled Anakin's dropped saber to himself.

I immediately charged him, and knocked him back off the cliff. His one foot dangled above certain death, as I held onto his good arm, the one that was also holding Anakin's unlit lightsaber.

"I'm going to take back that saber now and save it for Luke when he's old enough."

"And what about me, Kenobi? Are you suddenly a cold hearted mothafucka?" As Mace spoke he kept looking down, and panic washed over his face.

"It's simple, Mace. I'm just going to let go."

A voice came from behind me. "No you're not." I glanced over my shoulder to discover Qui-Gon had returned. "It's not the Jedi way."

"The Jedi are no more," I replied.

"Holy shit Kenobi, Force ghosts are real. I always thought that little green SOB was pulling my dick."

"You've fallen off the path, Master Windu," Qui-Gon said without judgement in his voice.

"I want to get back on the right path guys," Mace pleaded. "I want to become one with the Force, I want to go with Qui-Gon."

Mace must have saw a moment of hesitation in my eyes, because he ignited Anakin's saber in a last ditch effort to defeat me.

"No Mace," I said calmly, "the only place you're going to is Jedi hell!"

Ignoring Qui-Gon's protests, I sliced Mace's wrist off, sending the lightsaber and Mace's hand into the air, and Mace into the chasm below.

I caught the saber that was Luke's legacy. Beru who was still clinging to Luke ran over and embraced me. I held the two people that mattered most to me in the galaxy tightly, as if my life depended on it. Then I noticed Mace's hand beneath us in the sand and I casually gave it a light tap with my foot, sending it over the cliff's edge.

Qui-Gon had disappeared without a word, so Beru, Luke and myself spent the next few days and nights in Mos Eisley, enjoying each other's company and celebrating.

TATOOINE - Day 1,108:

I can honestly say for the first time since I exiled myself to this sand trap of a planet, that I am happy. Who would have thunk it? I've been so happy and content that I haven't written in this journal for two years now. After all the insanity with Vinto Tox and Mace Windu, I actually found some peace in my life.

Immediately after Mace plummeted to his death (for a second time), Beru and I started seeing each other again, and it's been amazing! Whatever brainiac Jedi outlawed physical relations was an asexual idiot who thrived on misery, probably a Sith infiltrator.

Beru and Luke spend every weekend with me. So I get to play the role of part-time husband to Beru, and part-time father to Luke. The rest of the week I'm a bachelor. I guess I've got the best of both worlds, nothing really to complain about there.

Luke is an amazing and spunky four-year-old, and he is strong with the Force. He can hold entire conversations about the galaxy and space travel, but yet he cannot shit in the toilet. He just refuses, it's bizarre. Besides that, he's great! Well he does whine a bit too often. I'm wondering if it's genetic because Anakin whined for the entire time I knew him.

Beru and I don't discuss the Jedi, or the Force, in front of Luke in fear that he might repeat it. However, Luke's favorite Force trick is to dump a container of blue milk from across the room when no one is looking. I secretly encourage him to do so because only Beru enjoys that bantha piss.

Owen Lars must know what Beru and I are up to. Frankly, I don't care if he knows because he is a dick. In the beginning Beru would come up with various excuses as to why she and Luke were going away every weekend, like visiting a relative, mommy and me classes in Mos Eisley, or Sarlacc bungie jumping. Over the last few months I think she gave up giving excuses altogether.

So my weekends have been filled with my surrogate family, and my weekdays are spent watching over the Lars place, defending my hut against the occasional Tusken warrior attack (apparently they still blame me for the lightsaber massacres that were perpetrated by Vinto Tox) and communing with my former Master Qui-Gon Jinn. And I'm happy to report that Qui-Gon and I have buried the hatchet. I have forgiven him for making me promise to train Anakin while he was dying in my arms, which was a total jerk move. However, if it wasn't for Anakin there would be no Luke. It's not Qui-Gon's fault that Anakin turned out the way he did. It wasn't my fault (or even Luke's) that Anakin was, and is, an asshole, plain and simple.

Being that it was a weekday and all my chores were done, I decided to take my new speeder which I acquired during a game of chance, and venture into Mos Eisley to unwind and have a few drinks.

The Cantina was just as I had remembered it. The ass-faced band was still playing that same damn song, and the rest of the bar was filled with a wretched hive of ugly and uglier. I was glad to be drinking on an empty stomach.

I sat alone in a booth, and enjoyed drinking something other than blue milk. I noticed that there were two weirdos staring at me. One looked like some kind of space walrus, and the other looked as if someone had tried to kick the nose off of his face and it had gotten stuck in that unflattering position. For the life of me, I couldn't tell if they were watching me because they wanted to fight, or if they wanted a threesome. Whatever the reason, I moved booths to protect my ass, literally and figuratively.

There was a lull in the music and that's when I heard the roar. It was a sound I never thought I would hear again, because it was unmistakably from that of a Wookiee.

I stood immediately, trying to locate the creature who was one of the last remaining free Wookiees in the galaxy. Of course when I did find where he was sitting, my old acquaintance Boba Fett was standing over him, obviously harassing him.

As I made my way over to them, I took note that Boba had finally grown into a man. He no longer looked like a child wearing his father's ill-fitted suit. He had also gotten a new leg, to replace the old one which had been eaten by the rancor we captured for Jabba, on one of our forced adventures together.

"WWWAAAHHHHRRRGGGGG!!!" the Wookiee yelled.

"Shut up, and come with me," Boba said, raising his blaster.

I casually placed my hand on Boba's weapon and said, "Hello, friend."

"Oh poodoo," Boba swore at me. "What the hell do you want, old man?"

"Well, I'm pleased to see you as well," I smirked, "and, to see that you have a new leg."

"Yeah, no thanks to you!"

I felt the look of surprise cross my face. "Ah...Boba, I do believe it was I who rescued the rest of your body from being devoured by that beast."

"Believe what you want, old man. I'm busy." Boba pulled his blaster away and shoved it into the unarmed Wookiee's face.

I moved closer to Boba so that he wouldn't miss a word I said through his helmet. "It's a good thing I came along, clone. I do happen to speak Shyriiwook."

"It does not matter, he's coming with me. The Empire will provide a handsome reward for any Wookiee returned to them."

I gently pushed passed Bob and spoke to the Wookiee in his native tongue. "What's the problem, friend?"

The Wookiee sat up, obviously excited to have someone addressing him in his own language. "Wow, dude. You're the first human I've come across that can speak Shyriiwook. Man, that's awesome."

"Is my acquaintance here bothering you?" I motioned to Boba.

"Yeah, man. He's like totally bumming me out, man. He wants to send me back to The Man, you know the oppressors of the galaxy, dude."

"I understand, my friend. Have faith." I turned back towards Boba and continued in Basic. "I'm sorry Boba, but this Wookiee is leaving with me."

"The hell he is!" He took a step closer.

Lifting my palms in a demonstration of peace, I continued, "Come now, old friend. How about I have this Wookiee and I'll let you take the next one?"

Boba cocked his blaster.

I considered telling Boba that I had avenged his father's death by killing Mace Windu. Most likely that would have opened up a whole new can of mynocks. He would have either wanted proof, or been pissed that I didn't let him kill Windu.

So I had tried to resolve this situation peacefully. Across the Cantina I caused one of the musicians to fall back into the others, creating an unworldly noise. When all the patrons turned their heads, I forced pushed Boba against the wall, knocking him out.

I reached out and took the Wookiee's hand. "We best be going, my new friend."

"Totally, dude." The hairy beast stood up and towered over me with his 2 1/2 meter frame. He threw his arms around me and nearly crushed me when he squeezed. "Thanks man, you're the best."

While we made our way through the crowd of foul looking, and smelling, criminals, I turned and introduced myself to my tall friend. "I am Ben Kenobi, and I'm thrilled to meet you."

The Wookiee shook my hand with great vigor and enthusiasm. "That's awesome, man. My name is Chewbacca, but you can call me Chewie."

TATOOINE - Day 1,108 (Part II):

As we walked out of the Cantina, I never felt safer. I had a hairy behemoth beside me, and although he was unarmed I did not doubt his ability to vaporize an opponent with his bare hands.

"That was really far out what you did for me in there," Chewie said in his native tongue. "Boba Fett is a bummer, man."

"It was my pleasure," I answered him in his own language. "I cherish the Wookiees, and encourage their freedom whenever possible. So when did you arrive on Tatooine, and why did you come here?"

"Well man, I just got here today," he began. "And it's like this, a lot of heavy shit went down on Kashyyyk."

"I heard all about it, and I'm sorry for your loss."

Chewie continued, "Thanks, man. So you can dig it? Yeah, I was lucky to escape with my life. I've been hitching rides on ships and backpacking across the galaxy, trying to find my people, man."

I stopped for a moment as the crowded street continued to rush passed us. I looked Chewie in the eye and said, "Any Wookiee is a friend of mine. I'd like to invite you to stay at my hut with me. It's isolated and safe, and maybe I can help you locate your people."

"You are one groovy dude, Ben. Thanks."

Chewbacca nearly stepped in a big heaping turd laying in the middle of the street. I tried to imagine the work involved in removing fecal matter from his dense fur. It would probably be best to just shave his foot clean.

Finally, Chewie asked, "How do you know Shyriiwook?"

"Well," I fumbled a bit, "my old Mast...umm, teacher felt it was very important to keep up good relations with the Wookiees, and the first step to that is through language."

Chewie chuckled. "I can dig it, Ben. Or can I call you Obi-Wan?"

I nearly tripped over my robe when he called me by my real name.

Chewie smiled. "And can I assume that your teach was small and green?"

"Wow," was all I could muster.

"I know a Jedi when I see one, man. With that getup, I didn't think you were a moisture farmer."

"You'd be surprised," I said, thinking of that prick Owen.

I looked around to see if I was being set up for something. "It seems, my rather large friend, that you have me at a disadvantage."

"No reason to bug out." Chewie placed his massive hand on my shoulder. "Everything is totally copacetic. Yoda was a great friend to my people. In fact man, I was with him on Kashyyyk the day the clones wigged out."

Feeling a great sense of relief, I asked, "So are you here for me?"

"No, man," Chewie laughed again. "It's just the Force working in mysterious ways. Isn't it a mind trip?"

"That it is, my friend. That it is."

"Bitchin' ride," Chewie roared as we reached my landspeeder.

We hovered over the sand at a great rate of speed because I feared for Chewbacca's safety.

"You don't carry a weapon?" I yelled over the whooshing wind.

"No man, I haven't found a blaster that I could hold comfortably in my hands."

"I could see that," I chuckled. "We'll have to find you something. Tatooine isn't a very hospitable world."

There were a few moments of silence, then Chewie spoke, "He thought very highly of you."

This completely caught me off guard. "Who?"

"Yoda. That cat couldn't stop praising you. You dig?"

"Yes," I began to feel a tad emotional. "I dig."

Chewie appeared to be deep in thought, until he sprung up in his seat in excitement. "There is another dude that we may have in common."

"Who could that be?" This was turning out to be quite a day.

"Well, she'd be more of a dudette actually. She saved me from Trandoshan hunters. Her name was Ahsoka Tano."

At the sound of her name I was overcome with emotion. Tears filled my eyes, as I tried to ponder what could have happened to that poor child. Did she survive? Where could she have gone? Most importantly, what would Anakin do to her if her ever found her?

Chewie cleared his throat. "I'm sorry to be a downer, man. Didn't mean to bring stuff up."

"No, it's ok Chew..." That's when the sound of thrusters came roaring up from behind.

Before I could register what was happening, Boba Fett had landed in the back seat of my speeder. He drew his blaster and pointed it at Chewbacca, as I quickly sliced the weapon in half with my lightsaber.

Boba reached for another one of his gadgets as Chewie jumped out of his seat, spun around and grabbed the Bounty Hunter. Boba struggled for only a second before the Wookiee ripped his arm off. The young clone stood frozen in shock until Chewie finally bashed him across the helmet with his own arm, causing Boba to fall to the sand racing beneath us.

"Well," I said, stunned, "I guess now I understand how you can travel the galaxy unarmed...no pun intended."

Chewie roared in laughter. Then he shrugged his hairy shoulders and casually tossed Boba Fett's arm out of the speeder.

When we parked outside of my hut I gave Chewbacca a warning. "Now you have to understand, Boba Fett will eventually be back. And he knows where I live. So we must always be on guard here."

"That's a drag, man," Chewie said as he kicked a rock.

Entering my hut I began to explain, "The thing about the villains on Tatooine is that they always seem to turn up..."

"That's far enough, Kenobi."

Sitting on my couch with a bowcaster pointing at us was Vinto Tox.

TATOOINE - Day 1,108 (Part III):

Sometimes it's good to be a Jedi.

When Chewbacca and I entered my hut I found my most recent nemesis sitting on my couch, pointing a bowcaster at us.

I blinked. Within that fraction of a second I was able to assess everything around me. I could see and feel that Vinto Tox was alone. I took note of how thin and disheveled he was, and that he now had two artificial legs. The bowcaster seemed far too heavy for him, and I Force pulled it right out of his hands and threw it to my hairy companion. I then Force choked him before he could do the same to me. I opened my eyes, accomplishing all that in one blink.

I had him suspended in midair while choking him. Funny thing was, he wasn't choking me back. So I released him and let him fall to the couch.

"What's your game, Tox?" He had me bewildered.

"Dude," Chewie began, "I really dig this blaster."

"It's yours," I laughed. "I told you we'd find you a weapon."

Rubbing his throat Vinto Tox coughed out, "You understand that thing?"

I turned and looked at Chewie, before responding, "Yeah, and he understands you, so watch yourself."

Tox appeared to be a shell of his former self. He struggled to stand on his new legs. "Please Kenobi..." He stood briefly and fell before me. "I just need a taste."

Feeling extremely confused, I asked, "A taste of what?"

He lunged up, and grabbing my hand, he bit into my wrist.

"Dammit!" I yelled, throwing him off of me. "What the hell is the matter with you?"

Lying on his back he looked like a pathetic upside down space turtle. "I'm begging you, Kenobi. I need some Force essence. Give me some of your blood. Please! Just a taste."

He was now groveling at my feet. I squatted down in order to look him in the eye. "Tox, you know as well as I, that your machine was destroyed. You can't convert my blood to Force essence without it."

"Just a taste," he whimpered.

"Unlike the name you have chosen for yourself, you are not actually a Jedi vampire. Drinking my blood will not give you any power."

"This dude is far out. Is he for real?" Chewie asked.

"Believe it or not Chewie, at one time this guy almost destroyed me." I helped Tox onto the couch.

"That's heavy, man." Chewbacca said, and he began rummaging through my kitchen.

"Help yourself to anything you find." I turned back to Tox. "I have two questions for you, how are you alive, and what are you doing here?"

Tox slumped down, "Does it even matter?"

I grabbed him around his weird green snout, so he couldn't speak, and stared into his disc shaped lifeless eyes and said, "Listen you son of a gundark. You tortured me on a few occasions and nearly killed me. You turned Mace Windu into a freakin' lunatic. You have basically been a galactic pain in my Jedi ass since you reared your green wart infested head into my life. You either tell me what I want to know, or I'll take care of you like I did Jar Jar!"

Mace must have shared that story with him because he perked right up. Chewie was still in the kitchen sniffing the blue milk that Beru always brought with her. I wanted to warn him about the taste, but I figured he was a grown Wookiee.

"Ok, Kenobi, ok. You win." Tox took a deep breath and continued, "When you caused that cave in, my legs were immediately crushed under the falling debris. I used all the Force power that I had left in me to protect my upper body. When the dust settled and I realized I was trapped under a mountain, I gave up and passed out. I don't know how long I stayed like that, but when I woke up I found rodents were eating my legs."

In the background Chewie did a spit-take. I thought it was from what Tox said, but then saw him holding a pitcher of blue milk. "Sorry, man. This is some foul tasting shit, right here."

I tried not to laugh, as I motioned for Tox to continue.

"In order to survive I began eating the rodents that were eating my legs."

Chewie let out a roar. It scared Tox, but all the Wookiee had actually said was "GROSS!"

"Please continue." I was really starting to enjoy Chewbacca's company.

"Ok," Tox was hesitant. "I survived for months like that, until there was no more meat on my legs. My bones easily pulled away from my torso and I was finally able to crawl around the rubble. I ate the occasional insect, and my antennas were able to capture whatever moisture was in the air."

Now Chewie was enthralled. He was sitting on the chair across from us, leaning forward so that he wouldn't miss a word.

"For months I crawled around looking for an exit. When I finally realized that I was trapped, I knew my only hope was to find some Force essence that hadn't been destroyed during the cave in."

Tox began shaking and scratching his antennas. He kept staring down at where he bit my wrist, and licking his slug-like lips. That's when I understood. Tox was a junkie. He was behaving like he was going through death stick withdrawals. Ingesting Force essence must have been the ultimate high for him, and he had been doing it for years.

I waved my hand in front of him and said, "Continue."

"Right, right." A little Force persuasion got him back on track. "I couldn't get out of the chamber I was in, so I scraped up whatever powder of Force essence I could find. It was mixed with glass and dust, but it was enough to provide me with the strength to Force push a small hole straight up and out of the mountain. In hind sight I probably should have made a hole going horizontally instead of upwards, because it took me weeks to crawl out of the mountain. I had been trapped in there for over a year."

"Fascinating," I said, trying to sound somewhat compassionate.

"Then I spent days crawling through the sand. Burning up during the day and freezing at night. Finally a moisture farmer found me and brought me to Mos Eisley."

His purplish-black eyes almost looked like he was about to tear up, but I honestly didn't know if his race was even capable of producing tears. I suddenly sensed a thought moving about his mind, and I reached towards him before he could act.

"I was able to escape with thi..." he started.

I grabbed Mace's lightsaber from out of his grubby suction-cupped fingers. "So is this why you're really here, to kill me?" I demanded to know.

"No, Kenobi." He lowered his head, utterly defeated. "I honestly just want to drink some of your blood."

Chewie snorted out a laugh.

Hooking Mace's saber to my belt, I informed Tox, "Well, we both know that's not going to happen, nor would it help you. So what went on in Mos Eisley?"

"I encountered some of Jabba's thugs, and I basically sold my soul to the Hutt for these two legs."

I shook my head in disbelief. "So, why are you here?"

He lowered his head once more. "I worked for Jabba for several months, but the Force essence kept calling to me. I needed another taste. I searched for Windu, but with no luck. That's why I ended up at your hut."

I sat back comfortably on the couch. I looked at Tox, then I looked at Chewie, and back at Tox. I glanced at his new legs and pondered. "That is some story," I began. "It may have even just saved your life."

"Oh thank you, thank you!" He groveled.

"Wait, wait, wait." I gave him a smirk. "You are just an average Rodian now. Do you understand?"

"Yes Kenobi! I do, I do."

"You can no longer go by the title 'Vinto Tox', because you are no longer and never will be again a Jedi or a vampire."

The Rodian seemed overcome with relief that I wasn't going to kill him.

However, I wasn't done with him yet. "Now consider this next part very carefully. If you don't, my furry friend here will rip off your arms and your artificial legs and we'll roast your living torso over an open fire."

"Absolutely sir, anything. Anything at all."

"I once asked you a simple question, and you rudely denied my request. Now," I paused dramatically, "I'll ask you again. What is your real name?"

The creature once known as Vinto Tox let out a huge sigh of relief, and without an ounce of deception in his voice he stated, "My name is Greedo."

TATOOINE - Day 1,112:

After releasing Greedo, I advised him to go back and work off his debt to Jabba the Hutt. With him out of my life for the time being, Chewbacca and I enjoyed a few days of uneventful peace.

Then it was time for Beru and Luke's weekly visit. I knew Beru would find Chewbacca fascinating, but I really wanted to see what Luke's reaction would be toward the 2 1/2 meter tall, hairy behemoth.

I asked Chewie to remain in the hut as I met Beru outside to inform her about my new house guest.

"Oh my," Beru gasped, when she first laid eyes on him. She had never been in the presence of a Wookiee before.

Luke's response was not so subtle. He excitedly screamed "SPACE BEAR!" The four year old completely ignored me, and ran to Chewbacca, grabbing hold of his leg. His pudgy little fists quickly filled with clumps of Wookiee hair as Luke began to climb him. Watching this toddler scale the mighty Chewbacca was the most precious and ridiculous thing I had ever witnessed. The Wookiee alternated between being amused and cringing in pain as tufts of hair fell to the floor. To Chewie's credit, he only emitted little yelps of discomfort in order to not scare off the toddler.

I translated introductions for Beru, while Luke wrapped his legs around Chewie's neck and burrowed through his hair in an attempt to find his scalp. We talked for hours about the plight of the galaxy, how Anakin became a major asshole, and of Luke's eccentricities. For the rest of the day Luke never let go of Chewbacca, it was as if the Force had brought them together.

That night while Beru and an exhausted Luke slept in the hut, Chewie and I sat outside around the fire pit.

"That's one groovy chick you got there, man," Chewie said, letting out a chuckle.

I looked down and poked the fire with a stick. "Well, I actually have to share her...with her husband. However, I do appreciate you saying so. I would love to be with her all the time, but danger always seems to find me. I can't put her through that anymore."

"That's a bummer, man. But love is what gives a dude his power. It's like an energy field created by all groovy things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together, man. You can't live without love. That's something Master Yoda never learned."

I looked at Chewbacca in awe. "You are quite the wise and gentle giant."

"Aww, thanks man."

"When you're not ripping men's arms off!" I chuckled.

Chewie let out a hearty roar.

"So Chewbacca, I've been meaning to ask you, what do you think of this little sand trap of a planet?"

He looked around briefly. "I miss the trees, man. Trees are totally far out. They're just as important as love. You dig? On Kashyyyk I had the most bitchin' tree house. I'd swing on vines to visit friends and family. I'd climb all the way to the top of the forest canopy and pick bockta flowers. It was awesome."

"Bockta flowers?" I had never heard of them.

"Wow man, bockta flowers are my people's spiritual medicine. It's native only to Kashyyyk. It helps you get in touch with your inner, and outer, space. Here." Chewbacca reached into his one of a kind messenger bag and pulled out a wooden box. He turned towards me and placed the box on his gigantic knees. When he opened it the light from the fire danced across a thousand purple petals.

"Do you want to take a voyage, man?" Chewie smiled.

I was hesitant only for a moment. "Well, if it's a spiritual voyage, I don't see why not."

Chewie informed me that these were dried petals, so I'd be missing out on the natural sweetness that fresh picked bockta contained. He instructed me to take two of the thinner petals and to suck on them until they dissolved in my mouth.

We continued to talk about Kashyyyk, until I noticed a beautiful golden glow surrounding Chewbacca.

"Interesting."

"What's that, man?" Chewie snickered.

"I never noticed your glow before. How did I ever miss that?"

"You're blitzed, dude!" Chewie laughed, slapping my leg.

"I am not." I began to giggle.

All of a sudden I felt completely happy, as if Anakin and the Empire didn't exist. A perfect state of peace filled me. The stars were no longer white, but a large array of colors. They slowly made figure eights in the night sky. Then the ground began to rumble and a forest grew from out of the sand.

"No way!" I said to Chewie, who was now meditating with his eyes closed.

I stood up and walked past the fire which now emitted a purple flame. I paused only for a moment before entering the wooded area, and immediately took note of a white convor perched on a branch above me.

The convor spoke to me in Anakin's voice, "Congratulations, you have taken your first step..."

Suddenly a tree snake lowered itself from above the convor and swallowed it whole. The snake belched, and continued in Palpatine's voice, "...into a larger world." Then it cackled like only The Emperor could.

The laugh was so deafening I thought my skull would crack. I decided to leave the forest, but when I turned to escape I was engulfed by its branches. It was so dense. I was forced to use my lightsaber to make headway.

After several meters of slashing my way forward I came to a small clearing. That's when I heard it, the labored mechanical breathing of my former Padawan. He seemed to materialize out of the trees, with his black armor glistening with dew. At his side, he held his red bladed saber.

"Anakin," I begged, "we don't need to do this."

His deep synthesized voice replied, "That name means nothing to me."

He lunged at me, but my lightsaber became so heavy that I couldn't swing it in time to defend myself. Blow after blow he struck my arms. The searing pain and smell of my own burning flesh caused me to throw my saber at him in a last ditch effort to save my life.

Vader's head hit the ground and rolled to my feet. I fell to my knees just as the front of his mask exploded. When the smoke cleared the face inside the mask was Mace Windu!

The head spoke, "What are you looking at, mothafucka?!"

Later, Chewbacca found me face down in the sand, nearly drowning in a pool of my own vomit.

What a night.

TATOOINE - Day 1,113:

As we entered the city of Mos Eisley, Luke was sitting on Chewbacca's shoulders pretending to fly a fighter and blasting all the unsavory aliens that walked the streets. I had my arm around Beru's shoulder, serving the dual purpose of steadying my gait and being affectionate. My hair and cloak were a disgrace as a result of having slept in the sand most of the night. And I felt like I had been run over by a bantha.

I was still feeling the effects of the bockta flowers. Chewie had said I was "tripping balls" last night, and called me a lightweight. Although I was no longer seeing Vader or talking animals, the sand appeared to be green and spongey, and I felt like I was sinking as I walked.

I also noticed all kinds of new and strange animals that were being ridden through the streets of Mos Eisley. They had a hollow, artificial look to them. It was as if someone had set up a bunch of holograms around the city and we were expected to pretend that they had always been there. I don't know, maybe I was just losing my mind.

"Ben, you look yucky today," Luke said, from high above. Chewie chuckled.

"Ben's not feeling well," Beru came to my defense. "It appears that we can't trust these two together." She elbowed Chewie, as he continued to laugh.

I was about to beg one of them to lunge my saber into my eye, to stop my brain from sloshing around, when Chewie pointed out that we had arrived.

"This is the Cantina, Beru," I mumbled. "Maybe you and Luke should wait outside."

"Nonsense," she laughed. "If I'm not safe in there with a Jedi and a Wookiee, what chance do I have out here?"

"I'm only half a Jedi today." I attempted a smile.

"She's right, man." Chewie added in his two credits.

Luke began bouncing on Chewbacca's shoulders. "I wanna go! I wanna go! I wanna go!"

The boy's voice was like having an electrostaff shoved into my ear. So I conceded defeat. "Ok, fine. But stay close, things can get rough in there."

"Yay!" Luke screamed. "I wanna walk!"

Chewie lowered the boy to the ground, and the four of us entered the Cantina. It was the usual scene inside. My distaste for the place hadn't diminished, in fact, being hungover only made me despise it more.

"Pick me up, pick me up! I can't see!" Luke demanded. When Chewie held the boy against his chest, Luke quickly surveyed the room. "Eww! That guy is gross!"

"Luke!" Beru chided him. "Mind your manners."

I whispered into Beru's ear, "But that guy is gross."

Beru smiled and slapped my Jedi butt. "You're not helping."

I turned to Chewie. "How do you know who we're looking for?"

Chewie, who had a much better view than all of us, said, "He's supposedly the only dude in here with tusks."

"And you're sure he knows the whereabouts of your Wookiee comrade?"

"I have no idea. But I can't ignore the lead." Chewie said with desperation in his voice.

"That guy's ugly too!" Luke yelled.

"Shhh!" Beru interjected.

"There!" Chewie exclaimed, and pushed his way through the crowd.

Chewbacca approached the walrus man, and we quickly realized that neither of us spoke his language. A hideous looking human with a nose that hung halfway off his face introduced himself. "Greetings, I am Cornelius Evazan. And this here is my associate, Ponda Baba. I'm assuming that you'd like to discuss business with him."

"Yes," I glanced at Chewie, "we are looking for someone that is similar in appearance to my friend here."

"I don't like him!" Luke yelled, looking at Ponda Baba.

Cornelius chuckled, "Well little boy, I'm sure that he doesn't like you either." He turned towards me and asked, "Do you have the discussed credits?"

Chewie reached into his space messenger bag and pulled out the correct currency, and handed it to the ugly guy with the tusks.

Ponda made some strange noises and Cornelius translated. "My friend says to visit Mos Espa. There you will find a blind Toydarian living in the streets. He has the information that you seek."

I leaned in so that only Cornelius could hear me, "If your friend is lying we will be back, and you don't want that."

So the four of us took my speeder to Mos Espa and almost immediately found the Toydarian living in a heap of garbage down a side alley. He sat in a makeshift chair and his eyes were glazed over with a milky substance.

We approached him and I dropped a coin into his cup.

"Ah, thank you." He said, in a gravelly voice.

I spoke for Chewie, "A friend of yours in Mos Eisley said that you might be able to put us in contact with a Wookiee who frequents this area."

"And what's in it for me?" He grumbled.

Luke laughed and yelled, "His nose looks like a shriveled up wiener!"

"Luke!" Beru scolded him.

I squatted down so that this pathetic life form could hear the tone in my voice and take what I was saying seriously. "Tell us where the Wookiee is, or the Wookiee that's standing beside me will pluck your wings clean off."

"Go ahead outlander, I'm too old to fly anymore."

Chewie let out a growl that quickly changed the Toydarian's mind. "Ok, ok! The Wookiee you're looking for stays in the room at the end of this alley."

"I hope so," I said, motioning for the rest to follow me.

As we stood outside the door, I stretched out with the Force to sense what was behind it. I rested my hand on Chewie's shoulder and informed him, "I'm sensing only one life form in there, and it's rather large."

Chewie made a giddy sound and handed Luke to Beru. He knocked loudly on the door and it slowly opened on its own.

Standing there in the middle of the room was a green Trandoshan holding a mortar gun pointed right at us.

He spoke with a snake's lisp, "Bossk is here to collect the bounty on the mighty Chewbacca!"

TATOOINE - Day 1,113 (Part II):

Bossk launched a grenade from his mortar gun, and I quickly force pushed it back at him. He dodged it, and the wall exploded behind him.

I turned to Beru, who was still holding Luke, and screamed, "Run!"

Chewie and Bossk exchanged laser blasts, as I whipped out my saber. Bossk's confidence quickly retreated, and so did he, when he realized he was facing a Wookiee and a Jedi. He fled through the crumbling wall behind him.

Chewbacca and I gave each other a knowing glance and began our pursuit. Chewie chased him directly through the building, and I leapt up on the roof to follow from above. I could hear the screams of civilians as these two giants crashed through walls and blasted up the place.

I moved just ahead of the pursuit and found the most likely exit Bossk would take. Jumping off the roof, I hid behind a dewback and waited. As soon as Bossk exited the building, I force threw him across the street and into a landspeeder, causing it to flip over and land on top of him.

Breathing heavily, Chewie caught up to me. "That lizard jerk can run, man."

I nodded in agreement. "It's time to find out how he knew you were here."

To both our surprise the landspeeder, which Bossk had been trapped under, suddenly lifted into the air. The bounty hunter flipped it over, hissed at us with his forked tongue and rode off.

Without missing a beat, Chewie spun around and knocked a man off a speeder bike, sending him flying down the street and causing him to land in a fruit vendor's cart.

"Wow, homerun!" I laughed.

Chewie took the controls of the bike, and I hopped on behind him, trying to wrap my arms around his massive and hairy chest. "Hold on, dude," he roared, and we sped off.

I could see up ahead that Bossk had a small freighter sitting on the outskirts of town. He remotely started its engines, and the ship slowly lifted off the ground. We weren't closing in fast enough. Bossk was going to get away.

The Trandoshan leapt from the racing landspeeder and onto the ship's loading ramp. "Bossk ssssays, ssssooo long, ssssuckers!" he yelled in his creepy snake-like lisp.

As we raced underneath the ship I realized it was a lost cause, the freighter was too high for me to make the jump. Chewie had a better idea, and began shooting at it with his bowcaster. He scored a direct hit of the engine, and a plume of black smoke filled the sky.

The engine whined, trying to overcome the damage, but the Wookiee's bowcaster skills were too great for the small freighter. With a small burst from the thrusters, Bossk's ship shot off into the horizon and then crashed.

Chewie stopped the speeder bike and we watched the smoke rising off in the distance. "Dude," he said over his shoulder, "I don't think that guy is dead."

"Me neither, my furry friend."

I used my comlink to check in with Beru and let her know that we were heading out to find the wreckage. When we located it, there was no sign of Bossk, and no body or footprints leading away from the freighter.

Returning to Mos Espa, we found Beru and Luke sipping blue milk at an outside cafe. "Did my Jedi stud take care of business?" Beru asked.

Chewie chuckled, and Luke started repeating, "Stud! Stud! Stud!"

"No Beru, somehow he got away." Then I quieted my mind and considered our next move. "We need to go and have a little chat with a blind Toydarian."

"His eyes are ugly!" Luke laughed.

We found that winged bastard right where we left him, in an alley stewing in his own filth.

I dropped a coin in his cup. "What's your name, Toydarian?"

He lifted his head and sniffed around, as if trying to determine how many there were of us.

Back on Chewie's shoulders, Luke screamed, "Eww, his penis-nose is moving!"

"Enough," Beru said, trying to conceal her grin.

"Are you here to kill me?" the Toydarian asked in his gravelly voice.

"I don't know yet," I said, and knelt down to his level. "You did set us up to be killed."

"Ah, I knew nothing of that, outlander. I only told you what I was paid to tell you."

Waving my hand in front of his face I instructed him, "You will tell us everything you know about the bounty hunter Bossk."

"What?" The little alien said, slightly flinching.

I repeated the instructions.

"Are you waving your hand in front of my face?" He asked. "Do you think you're some kind of Jedi, or something?"

"The Jedi are all dead," I told him.

"Well outlander, I knew the most powerful Jedi." He said proudly.

I looked at Beru, and she shrugged her shoulders. "Oh yeah, who was that?"

"Anakin Skywalker! He was the greatest Jedi who ever lived. And I knew him, I was his...friend."

It was all coming together now. "You're Watto, aren't you?" I asked.

"Ok," Watto laughed, "you got me."

I felt some anger and frustration swell within me. "You weren't his friend! You were his slave owner!"

"Oh nonsense," Watto dismissed me. "Little Annie loved working for...I mean, with me."

"Little Annie?" Beru chuckled. "No wonder he went psycho!"

"How is Annie?" Watto sounded genuinely interested.

"He's turned into a real asshole." I casually informed him.

"Boy," Watto shook his head, "you think you know somebody. Well, how about that Jedi that tricked me into freeing Annie."

"Dead."

"Oh. How about that beautiful girl that accompanied him?"

"Dead."

"Jeez, tough crowd. How about that Gungan? What was his name?"

"Jar Jar," I smirked, "yeah, he was delicious."

"Boy oh boy, you're a real shit magnet, aren't you?!" Watto said, inching away from me.

"Enough reminiscing," I was growing impatient with him. "What do you know about Bossk?"

"Nothing, I swear!" Watto sounded sincere. "A Trandoshan came up to me the other day, dropped a bunch of credits in my cup and said if any strangers came looking for a Wookiee I should tell them that he was behind the door at the end of the alley. That's all I know."

I stood up and looked at my companions. Luke announced, "He's telling the truth!"

"I think you're right, Luke." I tickled his leg slightly. "You're one smart cookie."

Luke twisted his head, giving me an odd look. "I'm not a cookie, I'm a boy!"

Chewie and Beru snickered in unison.

"Ok Watto, it seems that we all believe your story, and we will now leave you in peace." I turned away, and we started towards my landspeeder.
"Hey!" Watto called after us. "If you see Annie, give him my regards!"

"Yeah," I muttered under my breath, "I'll give his something alright."

TATOOINE - Day 1,120:

"I'm late," Beru said, looking deeply into my eyes.

I smiled at her. "Ok..."

"Ben, I mean I'm late." There was a look of desperation on her face as she motioned downward with her head.

"Ok," I tried to look concerned. "What for?"

"You Jedi are really clueless when it comes to women, aren't you?" She huffed.

"From your tone Beru, I'm guessing that we are."

She grabbed hold of my hand. "Ok Ben, if you really need me to spell it out for you...I'm pregnant!"

"Who's the father?"

SLAP!

No amount of Force power could have seen or prevented that slap coming from Beru.

"What the hell?" I whimpered, rubbing my beard.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi, you are an asshole! Of course you're the father. I haven't been with anyone else, including my husband, and his blaster only shoots blanks."

"I'm terribly sorry for my insensitivity, Beru." I took her slapping hand in mine and kissed it. "I am naive when it comes to love. Master Yoda royally screwed us over on that one."

"What are we going to do?" Beru asked, giving me her most sad Ewok eyes.

"Well," I began, "there's really not much we can do about Yoda. He's on the other side of the..."

"No!" She pulled her hand away. "What are we going to do about the baby?"

"Oh, of course!" Love was a confusing pain in the ass. "Well I don't think it will be wise to raise two Force sensitive children together. After all, that's how I ended up on this crap hole of a planet."

"Hey!"

"See," I lowered my head in shame, "I'm just not good at this sort of thing."

"So," Beru paused briefly, "what do you think?"

"I think we need to protect this child like we do Luke."

"No Ben, what do you think about being a father?"

"Wow," I was overwhelmed with emotions, "I'm kind of in shock. I can't even process this right now."

"That's understandable," said Beru, placing her hand on my knee.

"However," I continued cautiously, attempting not to upset her, "it's not safe for you to go through the pregnancy on Tatooine. Too many people have seen us together and too many bounty hunters are out for our blood. Is there anyone on another planet that you can stay with?"

"I have an aunt on Coruscant."

"Ummm..." I grumbled, "I don't think that will work."

"I have a sister on Takodana."

I smiled. "Now that could work! The Force is strong on that planet."

"Will we raise our child together?" she asked, hope filling her eyes.

"We'll have to let the Force guide us." I sensed this was not the answer she was looking for. "But we need to get you off this planet as soon as possible. No one can know that you are pregnant, and you're already starting to show."

Pulling away from me, Beru scolded, "I am not showing! It's impossible, I'm only six weeks along!"

"But your belly?"

"You really are a clueless space twat!" She stood up and stormed off. "I'll get my things together and you figure out the plan, jerk."

Chewie and Luke came in from wrestling outside in the sand. Buckets of the yellow powder fell from their bodies.

"Sure guys," I said angrily, "I love living on a desert planet so much that I wish my home was filled with sand too."

"Yay!" Luke yelled.

"Hold on, little dude," Chewie said, patting Luke on his head. "What's the matter, Obi?"

"Sorry, it's just Beru needs to go to Takodana for a while, and I need to stay here with Luke."

"Why, man? What's the haps?"

I shook my head. "I'll explain another time. We need to find her a transport, today."

"Aunt Beru is leaving?!" Luke whined.

"Just for a little while. But you get to stay here with me and Chewie."

"And be a man?" Luke beamed.

"Of course, Mr. Skywalker." I smiled. "Three big men saving the galaxy."

So Beru sent a message to Owen saying that she was taking Luke off-world to think about their marriage. Then we headed to Mos Eisley to recruit a pilot.

The butt-head band still filled the Cantina with that same crappy song. The two aliens that led us into the trap with Bossk was nowhere to be seen. We'd deal with them on another occasion. Chewbacca made the rounds, trying to find us a decent pilot with a decent ship, while Beru, Luke and myself sat at the bar.

"This is happening too fast, Ben." Beru had tears in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, my dear." Luke was in her lap, and I pulled the two of them closer to me. "We have to act quickly. Right now only you and I know, but that could change in an instant. Hell, Bossk could walk in through the front door and blast us into a million pieces!"

"Wizard!" Luke exclaimed.

"Enough," Beru scolded him. "Ben, I can't tell you how much I'm going to miss you. And I can't help but feel that you don't want this B-A-B-Y." She spelled it out in order to keep Luke in the dark.

Taking Beru's hand I reassured her, "Of course I want the...it. It just took me by surprise."

"Well, that's what happens when people have S-E-X, Ben."

"I know that, of course I do. There just wasn't a sex ED. class offered at the Jedi Academy, so once again I'm clueless." I smirked, and managed to coax a smile out of Beru. "I will miss you terribly as well, but I'll have the memory of your beautiful smile to keep me company."

"Dudes!" Chewie joined us. "I think I found the perfect crew and ship, and they hate the Empire. Come on!"

I translated for Beru, and we followed Chewie. Sitting at the table was a purplish, hairy creature with stripes. I could only assume he was a Lasat, from the holovids I've seen. I thought they were extinct. His partner looked like a tween girl Boba Fett, wearing a customized Mandalorian helmet.

When we sat down, I spoke first, "Please, no names."

"As you wish," said the Mandalorian. "So you seek transport to Takodana?"

"Yes," I noticed Chewie and the Lasat eyeballing each other. "Do you have a fast ship?"

"You've never heard of The Ghost?"

Smiling, I answered her, "As a matter of fact, I have."

"Well, okay then." The girl seemed surprised. "What's the cargo?"

I motioned to Beru. "Just this woman, and no questions asked."

Suddenly Luke sprang up in his chair and announced, "Aunt Beru is having a B-A-B-Y!"

I reacted with a facepalm and an audible groan.

TATOOINE - Day 1,120 (Part II):

We followed the female Mandalorian towards docking bay 94. Beru clung tightly to my arm, and kept resting her head on me. Luke was riding on Chewbacca's shoulders, but begged the Lasat to ride on his.

"No way, kid." The purple creature grumbled.

As we made our way through the streets I noticed something that I hadn't seen before. There was suddenly a Stormtrooper presence in Mos Eisley. Our once outer rim anonymity now seemed to be under the Empire's watchful eye. I felt relief that I was getting Beru off this planet, but I feared for Luke's safety now more than ever.

Entering the docking bay, I saw a familiar teenage Twi'lek standing near the ramp to the Ghost. Our two new friends went over to speak with her, and Chewie gave me and Beru some privacy.

"So, I guess this is it?" Beru said, beginning to cry.

"It's for the best, my dear." I held her close.

"Why can't we have a normal life, Ben? I want to experience this pregnancy with you. I want to raise our child together."

I attempted a smile. "As do I, Beru. However, we are living in dark times, and I, as well as Luke, have targets on our backs."

Beru placed her hands on my face, "Then let's run away, far away, where no one could ever find us!"

"That could still happen, my love. Let me meditate on our situation, and hopefully a solution will present itself. In the mean time I want you safe on another planet."

"All aboard!" The Twi'lek yelled.

Beru went over to say a heart wrenching goodbye to Luke, and I approached the Twi'lek.

"I know who you are," the green-skinned girl said.

"Yes, and I know your father. He's a cunning warrior and a brave rebel, if not slightly stubborn."

"Completely pigheaded, you mean," she laughed.

"I guess that I do not need to explain to you how important it is that my friend gets to Takodana safe and sound?"

"Of course not, Master..."

"Ah, no names please," I interrupted. "I no longer trust this city."

"Understood. We will deliver her safely. Now, if you'll excuse me I need to prep the ship."

Chewie gave Beru a big hairy hug, as Luke cried. He grabbed on to her leg. "Aunt Beru, good luck with your B-A-B-Y!"

She knelt down. "Thank you, sweetie. Please take care of Ben and Chewie for me while I'm gone."

"I will!" Luke smiled. "I'm a big boy now!"

Beru stood and then took my hands into hers. "Ben, I feel like I'm never going to see you again."

"Oh balderdash! You and I have a destiny together. And I will contact you as soon as I feel it is safe."

No more words were spoken, and within a few seconds she had boarded the Ghost and left the atmosphere. For the first time since Chewie arrived on Tatooine, Luke wanted to ride on my shoulders instead of his.

When we arrived back at my hut Chewie could sense that I needed a few moments to myself, so he offered to take Luke for a walk. I was just about to sit and meditate, when there was a knock at my door.

"Ah, for Yoda's sake! This better be important." I was in no mood for any bantha crap, like Owen Lars coming to whine about Beru leaving him. I stomped over to the door, and as I swung it open I barked, "What do you want?!"

To my surprise, Greedo stood in my doorway, his thin green lips slightly quivering. "Hello, Kenobi."

"Dammit Greedo, I'm not in the mood for any of your 'Force essence' groveling. So just piss off!"

I went to slam the door, but Greedo's artificial foot caught it before it could close. "I advise you to move that appendage before you lose it and get further into debt with Jabba."

"I'm all paid up, Kenobi." Greedo said, with a confidence that didn't really fit the situation.

"Well, goodie for you. But if you're looking to collect on the bounty for the Wookiee you're S.O.L. He's gone."

Greedo's robotic foot was stronger than expected, and it kept the door propped open. From behind him I heard a familiar voice, "Bossk ssseeks sssomething elssse."

From around the side of my hut Bossk came out of hiding.

"Jeez," I said. "I didn't realize there was a fugly convention in town."

I received a hiss from the second bounty hunter.

"Listen," I began, opening my door fully, "I understand that you two 'gentlemen' are a little late to the game, but Jabba and I have an arrangement. He doesn't bust my balls, and I don't bust his...whatever he has under all that blubber."

"We're not working for Jabba," said Boba Fett, as he came walking over the dunes.

"Ah..." I was growing mildly concerned. "Going into business for yourselves? How enterprising! What's the name of your group, The Three Stooges?"

"No Kenobi," Greedo said, backing away from my hut, "we have a new employer."

"Yesss," Bossk added.

"And," began Boba, "Kilgore, our new employer, has a message for you."

"Please don't tell me you guys are starting a boy band," I laughed.

Boba Fett bent down like he was going to tie his boot, and a missile launched from his back. I had just enough time to jump out of the way, as I felt the heat singe the side of my face. As I hit the ground, everything around me exploded, then I blacked out.

When I finally came to, the first thing I was aware of was the terrible high pitched ringing in my ears, and I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my head. The smell of burnt clay filled my nostrils, and when I opened my eyes it was nearly impossible to focus on anything.

I was able to make out the three shapes of the bounty hunters, as they rooted around in the rubble of my former hut. I heard the muffled sound of one of them claiming they found it. Then Boba Fett knelt down beside me and grabbed my face so that I was forced to look directly at him. He said, "Kilgore, thanks you for this." Then Boba stood and firmly planted his boot into my stomach, knocking the wind out of me.

The last thing I remember was hearing a Wookiee's roar and the firing of his bowcaster.

When I awoke, it was night. Chewie had apparently pulled me from the wreckage and placed me near the fire. Luke was sitting on a rock, watching over me.

"Chewie, he's awake! He's awake!" Luke grabbed hold of me and hugged me with all his strength.

Chewbacca came running over, and looking down at me, said, "Dude?"

I managed a smile and said, "I guess it's time to move."

TATOOINE - Day 1,123:

I would advise, whenever possible, not to be in your domicile when it blows up. I realize, like in my case, it can't always be avoided.

I know that forming attachments is not the Jedi way, especially when it's material possessions. But those bantha lovers destroyed nearly everything I owned, which wasn't much. Not only did they destroy my residence, but then they had the nerve to go through whatever had survived. I felt totally violated.

I later discovered that they had taken Mace Windu's lightsaber back. I say "back" because Greedo had given it to me as some kind of peace offering after Mace fell to his death, for the second time. Now I don't like the idea of a lightsaber floating around somewhere, but I was greatly relieved that they hadn't taken Anakin's. That one I'm saving for Luke, and if they had taken it those bounty hunters would be in some deep poodoo.

Boba Fett claimed to be working for someone named Kilgore. What a stupid name! If it turns out to just be a combination of "kill" and "gore", well as Chewie would say, "that's lame, man." Eventually I will have to find out who this individual is and assess his threat level. And I will definitely need to find out what he wanted a lightsaber for.

As a result of the explosion, for two days my hearing felt like everything was underwater. My headache still remained. Chewie, Luke and I gathered up whatever we could from my flattened hut and brought it to Mos Eisley. We figured that no one would be looking for us in the belly of the beast. Plus, Chewie and I were both concerned with how Bossk knew where he was, and why he went from hunting Wookiees to stealing lightsabers.

We checked into the cheapest place we could find within the city limits. The Mos Eisley Motor Inn was as raunchy as it sounded. It had hourly rates, a heart shaped tub, and a thin layer of goo over everything. There were stains on the sheets, stains on the floor, hell, there were even stains on the ceiling, and in every color of the rainbow. Luke enjoyed using our credits to make the beds shake. It was all I could do to try to keep him from touching everything. I used the opportunity to instruct Luke in the ways of the Force, trying to get him to move things with his mind instead of his chubby little four year old fingers.

"Toys!" Luke exclaimed, as he was held up objects he had found in a secret drawer. They were toys alright, but not the kind for children. Chewie scrubbed Luke's hands until they nearly bled.

We decided to hunt down the two weirdos who lied to us about another Wookiee being on Tatooine. So Chewie placed Luke into the backpack he made out of my old Jedi robes, and we headed to the Cantina.

We were shocked by the amount of Stormtroopers that now patrolled the streets. I was even more shocked when Owen Lars came running up to me.

"Where's Beru, you bastard?!"

"It's nice to see you too, Owen."

Owen was slightly distracted for a moment by the size of Chewbacca. "Cut the crap, Kenobi! Where's my wife?"

"I thought she told you that she was going off world for a while."

Owen face grew redder by the moment. "She said she was taking Luke with her! Yet, there he is on that thing's back!"

I looked at Chewie, then back and Owen. "You might want to watch yourself, Lars."

"No!" Owen's head looked like it was about to pop off his shoulders, then the empty skin bag would zip all around the street making obscene sounds until it finally splatted onto the ground. "What have you done to Beru? Did you get her killed during one of your silly battles, or did you get bored of her and kill her yourself?"

I shook my head at this pathetic man. "We're done, Owen."

He blocked our way and spouted out, "We're done when I say we're d..."

Chewie let out a massive roar and Owen spun around on his heels and ran away. I had never seen that fat jerk move so quickly before.

When we entered the Cantina, Chewie and I split up. As I made my way through the crowd, it wasn't long before the one with the crooked nose and the space walrus guy spotted me and headed for the door. Chewie was there to prevent their escape.

Before I could say anything, Luke pointed at the one with tusks and yelled, "I still don't like him!"

"And I'm sure Mr. Baba still doesn't like you," said Cornelius 'Crooked-Nose' Evazan.

"Never mind that, mynock spooge! You lied to us and nearly got us killed." I was irate.

Cornelius attempted to play dumb. "My associate and I did nothing of the sort."

I grabbed the man by his robe and shook him, desperately wanting to smack his nose back to its original position on his face. "You sent us on a wild Wookiee chase, which ended up with us running into a bounty hunter! Now, who paid you off?!"

Cornelius smirked, "Listen bub, I have no idea..."

I pushed him up against the wall, surprising him and the space walrus. "Tell us what we want to know, or my rather large friend here will take you both outside and rip your arms off. Then he'll proceed to beat you to death with each other's arms."

Ponda Baba snorted something at his friend.

"Okay, okay," Cornelius agreed. "We were approached by..."

He was interrupted by the sound of Owen Lars yelling, "That's the man, sirs!"

As two Imperial Stormtroopers approached us, Cornelius and Ponda took the opportunity to flee.

"Citizen, what is your name?" The electronic voice of the Trooper sounded somewhat similar to my old Clone Troopers, but had a slightly different pitch.

I wasn't dealing with clones.

"I am Ben, and I assure you that there's been some kind of..."

"I don't need your life story, Ben." These Stormtroopers were more assholey than my Clones. "Let me see your identification."

Sitting in Chewie's backpack, Luke waved his hand and said, "You don't need to see his identification."

Both Stormtroopers tensed their bodies. "We don't need to see his identification," they said in unison.

Now I waved my hand and said, "We will be going about our business."

"You can go about your business," the Stormtrooper's electronic voices echoed.

As the three of us made our way outside, I glanced back to see Owen shoving a Trooper and yelling, "You idiots, he used the old Jedi mind trick on you!"

The last thing I saw as the Cantina doors slid shut was the two Stormtroopers taking Owen into custody.

TATOOINE - Day 1,124:

There was a knock at the door.

Chewie jumped off the vibrating bed, and growled, "Dude, if this is another Twi'lek prostitute I'm going to rip one of her tentacles off."

"Luke, cover your eyes. Uncle Chewie might be doing a no-no," I advised the four year old playing in the heart shaped tub.

Chewie threw open the door and yelled, "WHAT?!" But to the Ithorian child standing outside the door, all she heard was, "RRRAWWWRRR!"

The girl threw a piece of paper at the Wookiee's feet and took off crying.

"Nice, Chewie," I chuckled.

"Look Ben. Look Ben. Look Ben. Look Ben!" Luke said in rapid succession.

"Yes, Luke." When I turned around Luke had bubbles covering his head and face.

"I'm you, Ben. I'm you."

"That's great, Luke." I turned to talk to Chewie.

"You don't care," Luke mumbled.

"Oh man. I think this is going to be a drag," Chewie said, handing me the paper.

The paper read: come outside and play.

I ran to the door and peeked out. There wasn't a man, creature, or droid in the streets, and for Mos Eisley in the middle of the day that was unheard of. I closed the door and leaned my back against it. "We're in trouble, my big hairy brother."

"Come on, man. Don't be such a downer. We can take anyone."

"Kill them all!" Luke screamed from the tub.

I sat on the bed across from Chewie, and explained our situation. "First off, we don't know who's out there. We can assume it's the three bounty hunters who blew up my hut. Maybe there's more of them. Maybe their leader Kilgore is with them. He's a complete mystery. We have no idea what he's capable of." I took a deep breath. "You have your bowcaster, and I have a small blaster."

Luke jumped up in the tub, "And a lightsaber, which is wizard!"

"I can't use the lightsaber because anyone watching us will know I'm a Jedi."

"That's a bummer, man," Chewie added.

"So Chewie, you will have your mighty bowcaster and I'll have my uncivilized blaster. You will also have Luke on your back because we can't risk leaving him in here. We'll fight back to back as much as we can in order to protect him."

"Totally," Chewie agreed.

"Totally!" Luke echoed.

"Now Chewie, this is the most important bit of instruction," I leaned in, trying to prevent Luke from hearing, "If it looks like I'm going to fall you must escape with Luke. He is the priority, not me. Understood?"

"But man..."

"'But man' nothing! Do you understand?!" I knew he could hear the desperation in my voice.

"Sure, dude." He lowered his head as if he had betrayed me.

So I dried off Luke, and got him dressed. Chewie lowered his backpack so the boy would be hanging down by his butt, this way I could act as a shield from the rear.

We stepped out into the empty street. A tumbleweed rolled past us, and somewhere off in the distance a space dog barked. Down one end of the street was Bossk, down the other end, Greedo. I heard the sound of a jetpack, and Boba Fett landed right in front of me. Chewie and I pushed our backs closer together.

"You're squishing me!" The muffled voice of Luke came from between us.

"What do you want Fett?" I spoke first.

"I would love to make that Wookie into a throw rug, for ripping my arm off."

Chewie snorted.

"Laugh it up, hair bag," Boba scoffed. "But unfortunately that's not what my boss wants. He wants that thing alive."

I looked around, scanning the top of the buildings. "Where is your boss?"

I heard a slight chuckle coming from under Boba's helmet. "Kilgore hasn't granted you permission to meet him yet. But believe me Kenobi, when you finally do meet him you're going to wish you hadn't."

"We'll see about that, jerk."

"So, for now we will take the Wookiee," Boba continued. "In a few days or weeks, we may come for the boy. Eventually, we'll come for you, Kenobi."

"Fett, you ignorant slut, no one is going anywhere with you!"

As I finished my statement, Boba threw the first punch which nearly knocked me down. I Force pushed him away, and he continued the backward momentum using his jetpack while shooting a flame thrower at me.

The other two bounty hunters began to fire at us. Standing back to back in the middle of the street was not going to work. I yelled for Chewie to take cover, just as Boba launched his whipcord which wrapped around my torso. I was only able to move my wrist slightly, but I managed to get a shot off and hit Boba in the knee.

I laughed, until I realized that there were sparks jumping out of his leg. I had hit the artificial one. It was the leg the rancor had eaten when we were attempting to capture it for Jabba the Hutt. Before I could get off another shot he darted my hand, causing it to become numb and making me drop my blaster. He then disintegrated my weapon.

Chewie was busy trying to take out the other bounty hunters, as I managed to Force choke Boba Fett. Laser blasts flew around me, so I spun out of the whipcord and took cover on the side of the street.

Crouching behind a food stand, I hadn't noticed the two Stormtroopers that came out of the alley and were standing directly behind me.

"Is that him?" said Stormtrooper #1.

Checking his wrist holovid, Stormtrooper #2 said, "Yup."

Laser blasts continued to fly all around us as Stormtrooper #1 informed me, "Ben Kenobi, you are wanted for questioning in the disappearance of Beru Lars."

I looked around at the chaos surrounding us and said to the Trooper, "Are you friggin serious?"

TATOOINE - Day 1,124 (Part II):

Laser blasts exploded all around me. I was unarmed, and had three bounty hunters trying to capture (or kill) Chewie, Luke and me. Plus, two idiot Stormtroopers, who were apparently oblivious to the shootout, stood behind me, wanting to take me in for questioning.

Still squatting behind the food cart that was rapidly getting destroyed by laser fire, I spun around and instructed the Troopers, "Take out your weapons and shoot each other in the leg."

I thought I was being clever taking out two birds with one mind trick, but both Stormtroopers missed each other! How is the Empire maintaining control of the galaxy with boobs like this on the front lines?

So I put my backup plan into action. I called to Chewie across the street and told him to concentrate his fire power on Bossk. Then I raised both hands and took control of the Troopers, having them fire at Boba Fett, who was hovering in midair. Eventually, they hit Boba's jetpack, causing him to fly loop the loops until he smacked head first into one of the buildings, and took a nice little nap. At the same time Chewie hit Bossk in the shoulder, and the ugly lizard man retreated.

Chewie banged the heads of the Stormtroopers together, and then there was just Greedo down at the other end of the street. Seeing us walking towards him the green bastard turned yellow, dropped his blaster, and ran away.

"Yay! We did it!" Luke shouted from Chewie's back.

"What now, man?" Chewie asked.

"Now?" I responded.

"Yeah, man. What now? They destroyed your hut, and we can't go back to the sleazy motel. I don't want to be a deadbeat man, but where are we supposed to go now?"

Stroking my beard, I thought for a moment. "Yes, that would work."

"What would work? What would, Ben? What, Ben, what?!" Luke's rapid fire questions tended to pierce my skull.

"Settle down, young Skywalker." I tried to sound like I wasn't losing my patience. "We will tie up our favorite bounty hunter," I motioned towards the unconscious Boba Fett lying in the street, "and bring him far out into the desert where no one will find us. Then, we'll get some answers out of him."

The citizens of Mos Eisley started flooding the streets again, as Chewie carried Boba Fett on his shoulder. Getting into the landspeeder, we drove for quite a while before we found a place that was secluded enough for the interrogation.

The binary suns were setting. I bound Boba Fett, while Chewie built a fire, and Luke went to sleep in the landspeeder.

When I removed Boba's helmet, Chewie exclaimed, "He's just a kid!"

"I know, I know. That's why we're not going to torture him too badly," I laughed.

Boba tried to wrestle out of his chains and shouted, "What did that hairy nut sack say about me?!"

"Maybe we can torture him a lot." Chewie sounded slightly peeved.

"Stop talking about me, you..."

"Relax, Boba." I placed my hand on his shoulder. "We just want to ask you a few questions about the other bounty hunters and about Kilgore."

"I'm not saying another word, Jedi," then Boba stared down at the sand.

We sat in silence for hours.

Finally, Chewie came up with an excellent idea. "Dude, we can give him some bockta flowers, he'll trip out and maybe that will loosen his tongue."

So Chewie forced a few petals into Boba's mouth and we waited.

I was about to doze off when I heard someone whimpering. To my surprise Boba Fett was actually crying.

"I never had a mommy," he cried.

"What's he going on about, man?" Chewie asked.

I whispered to him, "He's a clone of his 'father,' Jango Fett."

"Dude," was Chewie's response.

"What's it like to have a mommy? Don't ask me, sleemos. All I knew was my daddy. My daddy was a great man," Boba continued to ramble on and cry. "He was a great man until he lost his head. Don't lose your head, daddy. Why'd you have to go and lose your head. Your head? Your head!"

"Holy crap," Chewie grunted.

"MACE WINDU!" Boba screamed it so loudly and with such determination that I actually looked over my shoulder expecting to see the deceased Jedi. "Daddy didn't lose his head. Mace Windu took it! And I saw it happen! Daddy put your head back on, daddy please put on your head. That purple lightsaber just kept swinging and swinging and swinging..."

I had enough of this creep show, so I tried some Force persuasion in an attempt to keep him on target. "Boba, you will tell me about Kilgore. Who is Kilgore?"

"WINDU!" he screamed again. "Windu took my daddy's head. There it is, spinning on the ground. It keeps spinning and spinning and spinning, and Windu is laughing. WINDU IS LAUGHING AT ME!!!"

Touching his shoulder again, I confessed, "Mace Windu is dead."

"How do you know?"

"Because I killed him, Boba. Right here on Tatooine, I killed him."

"I don't believe you, Jedi," Boba said, but there was a glimmer of hope in his eye.

"Trust me, Boba. In the morning we can locate his remains, if that will help you."

"Thank you, Obi-Wan, thank you," he whined like Anakin did all too often.

"Boba? Can you please tell me who is Kilgore?"

This is when the sail barge left for crazy town. Boba started laughing and crying uncontrollably. "He's, he's, he's, a bad man, Kenobi. A bad man. He'll kill you twice before you hit the floor. Then he'll kill you a few more times just for shits and giggles. You don't wanna mess with that man. If I were you, I'd gather up all your weirdo loser friends and get the hell off this planet! You're all gonna die! You're all gonna die! Ha-haha-HAHAHAHAHAHA! JUST WAIT FOR KILGORE, CUZ HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING FOR YOUR SOULS! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Chewie stood up, walked over to Boba, and clocked him upside the head with his bowcaster, knocking him out. "Sorry, Ben. He was really getting on my nerves."

"No, I understand."

"I never realized how obnoxious stoned people are when you're sober."

We sat silently for a few minutes, then Chewie said, "Maybe in the morning I'll drop some petals with him, and then we'll be on the same level. I think I'll understand him better."

"Right," I laughed at Chewie's rationale for wanting to use his people's sacred flower. "For now let's get some sleep."

"Roger that." The Wookiee stretched out on the sand.

In the morning when I opened my eyes I saw Chewie in the same spot, but now Luke was sleeping on top of him, like a bird in a nest. His little fingers were clinging desperately to the Wookiee fur. I rubbed the sand from my eyes, my nose, and my beard, and looked around. Boba Fett was gone, and so was my landspeeder.

"Crap."

TATOOINE - Day 1,158:

It's been over a month since we were attacked by the three stooges of bounty hunters, and their failed attempt to abduct Chewbacca. It's been over a month since we kidnapped Boba Fett, tied him up, and roofied the crap out of him. He, of course, completely bugged out, escaped, and stole my landspeeder. And it's been over a month since we've come into contact with any of these a-holes that make my life miserable, including the mysterious Kilgore.

I'm still without a landspeeder. However, during the last month Chewbacca has built me a new mud hut, to replace the one Boba Fett blew up. It's in a different location, and having my new address unlisted will hopefully keep away the scummy villains that keep showing up at my door. Chewie did a fairly decent job constructing my hut, although the ceilings are a tad high for my liking. Also, there is Wookiee hair embedded in the clay walls throughout the hut. I'm trying to ignore it, but it does make me gag now and then. Luke loves the hair, and has been hanging his toys from the longer strands.

I miss Beru. She sent me one coded message from Takodana. It said only that she made it there safely and her sister was taking good care of her. I feel like a total heel for sending my pregnant girlfriend off to another world to have our baby, but I did make a promise to that little green bastard to keep Luke safe on Tatooine until further notice.

Love sucks. Sand sucks. Being a Jedi in this day and age sucks. But enough of my pity party...

So we've stayed away from Mos Eisley and Mos Espa, in order to avoid the bounty hunters and the ever growing Imperial presence. Now we travel twice as far, and in the opposite direction, into the Western Dune Sea, to a city called Mos Deff, to pick up supplies.

Chewie, Luke and I were at the local space hardware store in Mos Deff, where we were picking out some wood to finish construction on the massive entryway to my hut. Chewie, of course, made the doorframe way too high, so we needed a few more meters of wood. I swear the hairball did it on purpose just so he wouldn't have to bend down to get into the hut. It's not my fault Kashyyyk grows them so friggin tall!

As Chewie and I picked out the needed supplies, and Luke ran through the store like a rabid Tusken on fire, I noticed a boy, maybe thirteen or fourteen, with dark hair, stealing quick glances at us. I didn't think much of it, because it was most likely that he had never seen a Wookiee before. It wasn't until he snuck right up on us and I heard the sound of a laser knife switching on, that I understood this kid was trouble.

The teenager gracefully sliced the strap to Chewie's bag and slipped it right off of him. When Chewie spun around the kid held up the bag mockingly and stated, "Thanks, Fluffy," then made a run for it.

Luke was the first one in pursuit, screaming, "No kid! Give that back to my friend!"

We all chased the kid out of the shop and across the street. A sandstorm was just beginning to move through town. We followed the kid into a building that appeared abandoned, and found him sitting crossed legged on the floor in an empty room, with Chewbacca's bag in front of him.

"Hey jerk, give that back!" Luke berated him, as Chewie picked Luke up and placed him into the back sling for safety.

"You've got balls kid, I'll give you that much. But you don't know who you're messing with," I informed the little thief.

He smirked and stated, "Don't get cocky, old man. You don't know the endgame." He stood up and tossed Chewie's bag back to him. "Here ya go, Fluffy. You shouldn't make it so easy next time."

"You're a bad boy!" Luke yelled.

"I'm not bad, kid." He flashed a charismatic smile that seemed far beyond his years. "I just go to where the money is. Isn't that right, gentlemen?"

A sack of coins flew through the air and landed at the boy's feet. Glancing around, I saw that each doorway was blocked with a bounty hunter. There was Greedo, and Bossk, and some weird looking dude who appeared to have a baby diaper on his head. There was no sign of Boba Fett, or the ever elusive Kilgore.

The lizard man was the first to speak, "Bossk sssaysss put down your weaponsss. You guysss are ssscrewed."

I stalled, attempting to buy some time. "So, is this Mr. Diaper-head your boss Kilgore?"

Greedo laughed, "You really are a fool, Kenobi!"

Baby diaper guy had some hideous scars peeking through the wrapping. Then he spoke, "I am Dengar, and it would be wise not to upset me."

Luke, noticing Dengar's face yelled out, "Were you burned by acid, or something?"

"Silence that boy," Dengar commanded, "or I shall disintegrate him."

I whispered to our young thief, "You know you're fighting for the wrong side."

"Is that a fact?" he stated confidently. "I fight for the side that pays."

"You of course realize that they're going to kill us all and take back your precious coins?" I used the slightest Force persuasion as I spoke.

"You think so, old man?" He sounded slightly concerned.

"Bossk sssaysss sssilence!"

In the blink of an eye Chewie reached into his bag and tossed the young thief a DL-44 blaster.

"Wow!" was all the boy said as he handled the weapon.

"Attention, bounty hunting scum," I spoke in my best authoritative voice, "we refuse to cooperate any further until we meet with your leader, Kilgore."

There was a silence that was finally broken by Dengar, "As you wish."

After what seemed like an eternity, a low rumbling sound engulfed the room. Dust began to fall all around us, and suddenly the ceiling cracked open. Above us, a jagged circle hovered up and out of the building, and the sandstorm poured in from the newly formed gap in the roof.

I sensed an evil presence, one I have not felt since I faced Anakin on Mustafar. In a flash there was a silhouette standing on the roof looking down on us. With the sand swirling around and the night sky filled with lightening, I could not make out any of his features, but I knew he was Sith. I also realized that I somehow knew this man. My mind raced with possibilities. Had Vader finally found me? Did Maul track me down to put an end to me? This person who referred to himself as Kilgore took a deep mechanical breath, which meant he either couldn't survive in this atmosphere, or he was in a life-suit.

Without warning, or a word from Kilgore, he did a forward flip down through the hole in the roof. As he spun in the air I heard his lightsaber ignite, so I followed suit. When he landed on his feet our sabers clashed and we stood face to face, deadlocked.

To my utter surprise his saber wasn't red, but a bright shade of purple.

TATOOINE - Day 1,158 (Part II):

Our blades pushed against each other causing sparks to erupt around us. Face to face, I noticed his breathing apparatus sounded so much like Vader. In fact, his whole life-suit screamed Vader, the only difference was some skin. Whereas Vader exposed nothing of his human self, Kilgore's eye, ears and ugly bald head remained free of the suit.

As I looked deeply into to his one human eye, I knew immediately who he was. It shouldn't be possible, but the dark side is powerful and never seems to run out of surprises.

I turned to my Wookiee companion, "Chewie, get Luke and that kid out of here! Don't worry about me!" Chewbacca was smart enough not to argue. He began firing his bowcaster at the three bounty hunters. The young teenage boy, who had been paid to lead us into this trap, was now firing his blaster alongside Chewbacca. He seemed like a decent kid, who was desperately looking for a payday.

"What's the matter, Kenobi," Kilgore snarled, "you look like you've seen a ghost."

"No," I said pushing my saber at him, "just another asshole I've condemned to a life-suit."

Kilgore's eye opened wide as he unleashed an attack that I had not expected. As we danced the dance of Jedi versus Sith, I made sure to steer him away from my escaping friends. Once they and bounty hunters took the battle outside, I ran my blade past Kilgore's ear to get his undivided attention, then slid back and lowered my weapon. Time to chat.

Kilgore followed my lead. "Questions, Kenobi?"

"Yes," I smiled slightly. "Why Kilgore? Tis a silly name."

"Kilgore is my middle name, sucka." There was a spring in his step that radiated confidence. "Can't a Jedi have a middle name? You never even bothered to ask me mine. So all that time I was Mace Kilgore Windu, and you never even knew. You and your Padawan thought the whole galaxy revolved around you, and look where that got us!"

We circled each other liked caged nexus. Then I asked, "So how are you still alive?"

"How am I still alive? How am I still alive?! Bitch please. I ain't crazy no more. You ain't gonna get me to lose my shit. I'm as cool as a space cucumber."

Looking him over, I said, "Glad to see you made some progress in certain areas, but I'm not thrilled with your other choices."

"Yeah, well here's a little fact that might blow your narrow mind, Kenobi. I am Sith now! That's how I survived. I got both my mothafuckin hands cut off, my mothafuckin leg, been throw out a mothafuckin window and over a cliff, had all my insides crushed like a mothafucka, and I'm still here. The Dark Side saved me, and showed me the way."

"I see," I continued to circle, looking for a weakness in his life-suit. "So what are your big plans now, besides killing me?"

"HA-HA-HA! You always were a funny mothafucka. I don't want to kill you."

"No?"

"No. I mean I'll probably end up having to kill you, but it's not my intention. You were the Emperor's and Anakin's bitch, and you never even knew it until it was too late. I never wanted you. I pity you."

I stopped walking. "So it's Luke you're after?"

"Of course! You'd be a jive Jedi fool to not see that coming. I'm going to kill the son of Anakin Skywalker, then I'm going to kill Darth Vader, and take his place at the Emperor's side. When the time is right, I will destroy the Emperor as well. Then I, Kilgore, will have the entire Imperial fleet at my beck and call."

"And you said you weren't crazy?" I mumbled to myself. "The Council always said you didn't have a sense of humor, but you are hilarious, Mace!"

"The name is Kilgore!" With that he tried to Force choke me, but I pushed him back. He had obviously thought this strategy out because in one move he hit me with an enormous table, knocking me off balance, then he hit me with Force lightning, which caused me to me to fall to the ground and start convulsing. Taking the wind out of my space sails, he lifted me into the air and began Force choking me like a real bastard.

"Bba..." I attempt to get out.

"Really Kenobi, don't you know it's impolite to talk while being Force choked," he laughed manically.

"Bbab..."

"Oh, fine," he huffed, releasing me.

I fell to the ground, trying to shake off the feeling of having my esophagus crushed from the inside.

"This better be good, bitch."

"Boba, young Boba Fett," I managed to squeak out.

"What about him?"

I stood slowly. "That's why he's not here. You can't let him discover who you really are, or he'll seek vengeance for you killing his father."

"That clone scum means nothing to me." I heard the words, but I could tell from his human eye that he was lying.

"Well sucka, back to business." He raised his hand and had me in another unbreakable Force choke.

My arms were pinned down at my side, so I couldn't even throw my lightsaber. I had to find something I could use with just my mind. Searching the area I discovered a small rock on the floor, and as I felt my consciousness slipping away I was able to propel the rock with such a velocity that it punctured Kilgore's respirator.

I was immediately released, as Kilgore frantically searched for the hole making the hissing sound that was music to my ears.

In his mechanical voice he warned me, "This isn't done, Kenobi." Then he leapt through the hole in the roof from which he came.

I got to my feet and brushed myself off. This was not the kind of day I was expecting. It started out fairly nice and went to total shit rather quickly. So instead of chasing after Kilgore, I knew I had to find Luke and protect him.

Leaving the building, I was shocked to discover that the street had been turned into a war zone. There were smoke and flames everywhere, a dead dewback laid in the road, and people were running in all directions. Then I saw the mighty Chewbacca, standing tall and proud in a dusty cloud, and I knew that everything was all right. Luke was on his back and the dark haired boy with the sticky fingers was safe as well. Chewie explained to me what a help and great shot the boy was.

"Well, young lad," I extended my hand, "I thank you for your bravery. My name is Ben, and this is Luke and Chewbacca."

The boy shook my hand vigorously and said, "Well it's always nice to meet a friendly face. My name is Han Solo."

TATOOINE - Day 1,159:

"I don't think I can take him," I said, unable to make eye contact. "He's too strong."

"Obi, you're letting your fear take over," he responded. "The man you once knew as Mace Windu no longer exists. He's now more machine than man. Kilgore has embraced the fear and hatred and this has led him down a dark path from which he may never return."

"I understand, Master." I said, looking into his translucent blue eyes.

"You must reject everything that he has accepted as truth. By staying true to yourself, an opportunity will present itself."

"As you wish, Master."

"And this boy who has crossed paths with you, this Han Solo, he will play a great role in the fate of the galaxy."

"Are you serious?!" I couldn't believe my ears.

"It is true, Obi-Wan. But you must shelter him from the Force as much as possible. He must discover the power of the Force on his own terms, and his acceptance of it may take him many years."

"But why him, Master Qui-Gon?" Before I could get the answer, my Master had vanished into the night air.

I meditated for several minutes on Luke, Leia, Han, and my unborn child. What would this new generation's role be in deciding the fate of the galaxy?

I returned to the temporary camp we had set up, and heard Chewbacca's voice. "Dude, finally! I was about to send Luke out after you."

I chuckled, and saw Luke curled up in the sand. I covered him gently with my robe to provide extra warmth.

"So wher've ya been, old timer?" Han Solo was apparently a very important person in the galactic scheme of things, but he was not one for subtlety.

"I was communing with an old friend, Master Solo."

"Listen gramps, I ain't nobody's master."

"I meant it as a form of respect. You are not quite old enough to be a 'Mister,' so 'Master' is what you're stuck with."

"This old friend you were meeting with must really like dark sandy places in the middle of nowhere. Personally, I could do without it," Han said, laying on the sarcastic charm.

"He goes wherever he is needed," I was vague, hoping for no follow up questions.

I took note that Han was still holding the DL-44 heavy blaster pistol that Chewie had given him. He caressed the weapon as if it were a prize possession, or maybe his only possession.

"Chewie told me that you held your own against those bounty hunters. In fact, he said your bravery played a large part in causing them to retreat."

"Totally, man," Chewie added. "He was out of sight!"

Turning from Chewie to me, Han said, "I wish I understood what Fluffy was always going on about. Say, you think you could teach me some of that Chewiese?"

"In time, young one." I sat beside him. "But what I'm really curious about is your story, Han. How did you end up on Tatooine?"

"Well gramps, I usually don't like to brag, but seeing that you guys forgave me for leading you into that trap, I guess I could make an exception."

For a moment I rested my hand on his shoulder. "I appreciate your honesty."

"Yeah," Han looked unsure of himself. "My parents were killed by space pirates when I was very young. So being on my own, I had to learn to fend for myself. I began stowing away on transport vessels and smuggler's ships. Sometimes I got caught and was forced to earn my keep, other times I just hopped from one planet to the next. I'd get the occasional odd job, but thievery was always quicker and easier."

"Man," Chewie said, "you've been busy."

Turning to me, Han asked, "What Fluffy say?"

Smiling, I interpreted, "Fluffy is very impressed with your survival skills."

"Hmm," was Han's only response. "Now can I ask you something?"

"Certainly, young man."

Glancing over at Luke, Han said, "That kid is pretty important, huh?"

"Yes, you have no idea just how important he is. It is my duty and honor to keep him from harm."

"And that Kilgore, what's his deal?"

"Kilgore," saying his name left a nasty taste in my mouth, "was a good man at one time, until he turned to evil. Six-hundred-and-fifty-nine days ago I was forced to kill him. And that was the second time he died. He's like a bad space rash, he keeps coming back."

Han was visibly enthralled by the tale. "Why does he want to kill you?"

"It wasn't me he wanted dead, well not originally anyway." I looked upon Luke with great love and affection. "He wanted that precious child dead, to pay for the sins of his father."

"Who's his father?"

I smiled and replied, "That's a tale for another time."

Han leaned forward slightly. "Well that's not all Kilgore wants. I heard his bounty hunters talking and..."

Chewie suddenly stood up and grabbed Luke. "Dudes! I hear something!"

Leaping to my feet, I instructed the boy, "Han, someone is coming! Prepare yourself!"

There was a steady hum moving towards us over the dunes. As it closed in I sensed two or more vehicles coming at us. All at once two speeder bikes cut through our camp, and circled around firing their blaster cannons. It was that coward Greedo and that baby-diaper-head Dengar. I lit my saber, as Chewie and Han fired their weapons.

Before Greedo and Dengar reentered the camp, a second wave of speeder bikes came from behind and cut through the middle of us. This time it was Bossk and Boba Fett. I made a mental note that I must speak to Boba when this attack was over.

Four speeders circled our camp, each one taking turns trying to run us down, all of them kicking up dust clouds that made the situation in the darkness of night absolutely chaotic. But that's just what Kilgore wanted. He swooped down out of nowhere and Force pulled Luke right out of Chewie's backpack.

"Wassup, bitches?!" Kilgore yelled as he sped off.

I turned back just in time to catch a sneak attack by Greedo. Swinging my saber, I sliced his speeder in half causing him to go tumbling off into the night. While Boba and Chewie exchanged laser fire, Dengar saw what I had done to his comrade and set his sight on me. Firing his blaster cannon, he accelerated rapidly. I deflected each blast with my righteous Jedi skills, as I called to Han, "Solo! Dengar!"

With one shot, Han had hit Dengar in the shoulder, knocking him off the speeder. With no controller, the speeder came to an abrupt stop. I grabbed Han and tossed him onto the rear section of the seat, and I took control. "We must save Luke!" I informed him as we sped off.

"What about Chewie?" Han was genuinely concerned.

"I'd be more worried about Boba Fett!"

We followed Kilgore's dust cloud until we eventually found his abandoned speeder bike at the base of an enormous boulder. I instructed Han to hide our bike on the other side of the boulder under some brush. Then I sliced off part of the directional steering vane to ensure that Kilgore could not escape.

As the first sun broke over the horizon, I Force jumped to the top of the boulder and found Luke unconscious, but alive. He was on a makeshift rock altar, as Kilgore was on his knees and speaking in tongues preparing for some bizarre ritualistic killing. So I snuck up behind the bald bastard, and zeroing in on his only unprotected area, I bashed the speeders metal steering vane against the top of his head. He was rendered unconscious.

To my amazement, Han had already scaled the boulder and was standing beside me. He leaned in, almost face to face with Kilgore and yelled, "You got knocked the fuck out!"

Forcing back a smirk, I said, "Master Solo, language, please."

"Sorry gramps." So he kicked Kilgore in the face instead.

"Han, we must act quickly. I want you to take Luke and the speeder we came on and get back to Chewie. Tell Chewie to take you and Luke back to my hut. If Boba Fett is still around I want you to tell him where he can find me and Kilgore. Quickly. Quickly!"

"You want Boba Fett here?"

"Trust me," I smiled at the brave young man.

Han looked utterly confused. As he picked up the still unconscious Luke, he asked, "And what about you?"

Looking down at Kilgore, I attempted to repress the hate. "I have some unfinished business to attend to."

TATOOINE - Day 1,160:

The second sun peeked its burning face over the horizon. A new day, and possibly the last day for someone on top of this rock formation. With the twin suns finally reunited, they illuminated the barren landscape. Now I could now see a trickle of blood on Kilgore's head.

The bastard can bleed!

"You bitch," he said, getting to one knee. "You trifling, petty, little bitch." He raised his head making eye contact with me for the first time. "We used to be friends, Kenobi. Then you sneak up on a mothafucka and try to bash his skull in?! What the hell is that?!"

"Well, in all fairness you were trying to slaughter an innocent child." I gave him a whisper of a smile as I spoke.

Kilgore got to his feet, and shook the droplets of blood from his face. "Innocent? That boy ain't innocent, Kenobi. He's the spawn of pure evil, and I will snuff that bastard out!" He ignited his saber, causing a purple glow to reflect off his shiny black life-suit.

"And what about you, Kilgore?"

"Excuse me?" he said, raising his lightsaber.

"What about you?" I lit my saber. "Aren't you evil?"

"You know what always chapped my bald-ass head about you, Kenobi?" He moved towards me. "You were always such a goddamn goody goody!"

Thrusting towards me, I deflected his attack, but nearly had my saber knocked out of my hand. He flipped into the air and attempted to bring his blade down on my head, but I spun behind him and gave his back a thump with my elbow. This was a different Mace Windu, his boring fighting style and even more boring personality was gone. This new Kilgore persona definitely had the dark side in him.

"So tell me...Kilgore," I said, kicking him in the chest, "how does one become a Sith in just two years time?" I ducked beneath his blade, avoiding being scalped. "I mean, is there some kind of correspondence class, or something?"

"No, asshole!" He blocked my backhanded swing. "I trained with a Sith."

He struck me in the mouth with the hilt of his lightsaber, then came back around and sliced across my chest. I immediately stumbled back. The pain was immeasurable, and the smell of my own burning flesh sickened me. He wasted no time, and pounced, slashing my knee. I fell to the ground. This time I was ready for his assault, and I kicked him squarely in the nuts with my good leg, and used the momentum to flip him over me. He landed on his back with a righteous thud against the rocky surface. For a few seconds both of us attempted to get over the pain.

"So...you're claiming," it was hard to catch my breath, "that either...Darth Vader or Emperor...Palpatine trained you...in the ways of the Sith?"

"No," he said, slowly getting to his knees, "there is another."

My right knee cap had been severed in half, causing that leg to become useless. So I quickly hobbled up on my left leg. Kilgore was already standing.

"This is the end, Kenobi. Only one of us is leaving this place alive. And I'll let you in on a little secret," he leaned in and whispered in the most obnoxious way, "it's not going to be you."

"So who trained you?" I wasn't stalling, I genuinely needed to know.

"Ha! Kenobi, you're a funny little bastard. I'm not going to tell you."

"Why not?"

"Because dummy," he smirked, "I don't want to ruin the surprise."

"But if you're going to kill me right here and now, why not tell me?" I baited him.

"Listen!" He raised his voice, clearly growing angry. "You're a sneaky dude, Kenobi, always pulling some last minute secret Jedi shit out of your ass. So to put it simply, I don't trust you to die!"

Using the Force I pushed the pain from my mind, and slowly straightened my leg. While concentrating, I could use my bad leg for balance, but nothing more. Kilgore was going to have to bring the battle to me. I needed to coax him closer in order to continue our fight using lightsabers, to avoid him from using his unbreakable Force choke on me.

"So why didn't you die when I threw you off that cliff?"

"I did die that day, Kenobi." He took a step closer. "It was a jagged rock hitting my chest that ended my literal fall, and my figurative fall from being a Jedi. All my internal organs were damaged, I had a broken back and neck, but my head missed the rock. So I still had my mind."

"Sorry about that," I grinned. "Today I'll try and drop you head first."

We crossed blades a few times, but it was just a formality. Kilgore wanted me to know what happened to him. "A little Force persuasion directed towards passing Jawas got me a ride to Jabba's palace. Luckily that slug was off-world, so I convinced his underlings to fund my reconstruction, leading them to believe it was Jabba's wishes. I received the best medical care Force persuasion could buy, then I set out to find a new Master."

"Please tell me it was Master Yoda," I tried to say it with a straight face, "I can't find that little green turd anywhere."

Kilgore shook his head. "You're stalling technique is as clumsy as your fighting technique."

He launched his Force lightning at me which I absorbed with my saber, but I feared the choking would soon follow.

All at once I heard the beautiful sound of a jetpack, and I knew my reinforcement had arrived. Boba Fett landed between us. Kilgore was as surprised as I'd hoped he would be. "What are you doing here, fool?"

"The boy said you were in trouble. That you needed my help."

"No dumbass, I don't!" Realizing my plan, Kilgore immediately lifted his hand and raised me off the ground by my throat.

"B...oba," I struggled to get the word out.

"What's he saying?" Boba asked.

"Nothing, now go back to the base!" Kilgore ordered.

"Boba...don...leav..."

Boba shot off the ground and headed towards the horizon. Kilgore's electronic voice squealed with laughter. "That was your ace in the hole, mothafucka?!"

I began kicking wildly trying to break free. I felt myself starting to black out, then as if in a dream I saw Boba Fett hovering beside me. "What do you want from me, Kenobi?"

With my last breath I exhaled twice, each was a one syllable word, "He...Mace..."

Then blackness.

I woke as I fell to the ground, and heard the muffled sounds of two people arguing.

"You're nothing but a daddy's boy, bitch?"

"You killed my father!"

"What'chu gonna do about it, clone? Lose your head?! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

There was a whooshing sound as I felt the heat of Boba's flamethrower. Then silence. When I was finally able to look up I saw two blurry figures. Kilgore stood erect, and Boba Fett was on one knee bowing down to him.

What is this crazy shit?!

"Kenobi, look at me," Kilgore commanded. "This was a demonstration of my power. All my bounty hunters are slaves to my persuasion."

"No!" I screamed. "That's impossible!"

Kilgore turned to Boba Fett, "Who killed your precious daddy?"

"You did Master," he answered without any inflection in his voice.

I turned my body while on the ground and desperately started to crawl away from them. I called over my shoulder, "Boba is immune to mind tricks. I've tried it on him before and it didn't work."

"Silly Jedi," Kilgore's voice came from behind, "that's because you don't possess the power of the dark side."

As I crawled I heard whispers, then footsteps, and someone grabbed my ankle. "No Boba, the other leg," Kilgore instructed.

Boba Fett lifted me off the ground by the ankle of my injured leg. The pressure on my shattered knee was unspeakable. A horrible scream echoed throughout the dunes. I thought to myself, "That poor bastard." Then realized the person screaming was me.

The bounty hunter had me dangling upside down over the cliff's edge. Desperate to stay conscious, I closed my eyes and reached out to the Force.

Kilgore's voice was nothing more than an echo off in the distance, "Now who's gonna get dropped on their head, bitch?"

I continued to reach out to the Force, but remembered the words Qui-Gon had said to me the night before. He told me to let go off my anger and to reject everything that Kilgore believed in. So with that wisdom, instead of stretching out with the Force, I turned inward. I journeyed into myself. Suddenly I could feel the conflict that was going on within Boba's mind.

With my eyes still closed, I telepathically told Boba that he had the right to be upset about his father's death, and that his murderer was standing behind us. I instructed him to place me down on the rocky surface, which he did. Then I stood. There was no pain in my knee. Eyes closed, I lifted my hand and repelled Kilgore's Force choke. Eyes closed, I swung my saber with a maddening, but disciplined, speed. Eyes closed, I felt myself dancing around Kilgore, deflecting all of his blows and completely overpowering him.

I heard his saber fall. There was a moment of silence, then Boba's jetpack engaged and I heard the two men struggling while moving rapidly across the rocky terrain. Then they tumbled over the edge.

With eyes still closed, I collapsed.

TATOOINE - Day 1,163:

Thank the Maker...and Han Solo!

Han remembered what rock formation he left me on, and brought Chewie and a landspeeder back to recover my physically and emotionally drained body. They transported me to my hut where I laid unconscious for three days! Somehow, they even managed to procure a medical droid to replace my damaged knee with a robotic one.

When I woke, the first thing I asked about was Kilgore and Boba Fett. Han and Chewie had witnessed signs of a struggle, but there were no bodies and no evidence of who won the fight, or where they went when it was over.

Shit. I really needed to know if Kilgore was still breathing. If he was, I wanted to tear him from his life-suit, and watch him suffocate and die, once and for all.

I was sitting up in bed, and nursing a cup of blue Bantha piss, or what the folks on Tatooine like to call "milk." Barely keeping it down, I felt comforted by young Luke resting his head on my chest and hugging me as if the galaxy depended on it. He was also chewing on my robe, which I found to be a little odd.

Addressing Han and Chewie, I thanked them for saving me, but was most appreciative that they kept Luke safe. "I don't know what would have happened if I didn't have you two watching my back, and Luke's."

"Oh dude, you're gonna make me blush," Chewie said shyly.

"I'm not sure what Fluffy said, but if it has anything to do with 'don't mention it,' then I agree." Han added, "Hey, remember right before the bounty hunters attacked the camp?"

"Yes..." I strained for a moment, "and you were about to tell me something you overheard."

"Exactly!" Han's sudden excitement showed a rare side to him, mainly that he was a boy of fourteen, and not the hardened thief that he portrayed himself to be. "I told Fluffy all about it, and I'm pretty sure he understood me."

Chewie chuckled at that.

"But what I was trying to tell you that night was that I had overheard the bounty hunters talking about holding Wookiee prisoners at Kilgore's base!"

"WA-RRRAAAARRRR!" This broke Chewie's heart.

"I guess," Han continued, "that Kilgore is hoping to collect the reward from the Empire."

I patted Luke's head for a moment and thought. "Actually, I believe that to be partially true."

"Partially?" Chewie asked.

"Yes, I do believe Kilgore is capturing Wookiees as a cover for meeting with the Empire. However, as he has admitted to me, he is doing so in order to force a showdown with Vader."

"He's nuts!" Han exclaimed.

"That may well be the case," I agreed. "He also has plans on taking over Vader's spot as the Emperor's right hand man, with plans of eventually overthrowing Palpatine and ruling the galaxy himself."

Han and Chewie looked at each other in disbelief. Then Han said sarcastically, "This just keeps getting better and better."

"If Kilgore is allowed to face Vader," I continued, "that would mean the end for the Wookiee prisoners, as well as bad news for us. Kilgore knows all about me and Luke, and will use that to his advantage."

"So we have to stop him!" Han made it sound so easy.

"We got this, man." Chewie informed me. "Han and I decided that we'd find and scope out Kilgore's base, once you woke up and you were able to care for Luke."

"But not to engage them?" I phrased it as a question, but meant it as an order.

"Of course not, man." Chewie tried to console me. "We need your Jedi ass as back up."

"Good."

Luke fell asleep on me within minutes of Han and Chewie leaving for their mission. I had the horrible feeling that I might not see them again. Kilgore wouldn't think twice about killing Han and adding Chewie to his collection of Wookiees.

Sliding out from under Luke, I tried not to wake him as I snuck to the bathroom. There just doesn't seem to be enough bathroom breaks in this space opera that is my life. Relieving myself, I washed up and caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror. "Holy shit," I said out loud as I moved to get a closer look. This planet is killing me! In just four years on this dust bowl, with its twin suns, I've seemed to age ten years. The suns are murder on "meesa" skin. I looked back at Luke sleeping on my bed with his butt up in the air, and thought, by the time he is an adult I'm going to look like I'm eighty years old! Once again, I felt pissed off at Yoda for allowing this insanity to happen.

Hours passed, and I couldn't sleep. I sat on the floor and meditated, attempting to contact my former Master in order to give him a piece of my mind. I was just about to bridge the gap between the living and the living Force, when there was a knock at the door. Getting off the floor, I pulled my saber to me. I stood before the door and took a deep breath. Opening it, I immediately ignited my saber and took an attack stance. Boba Fett stood before me.

"Whoa! Hold on a minute, Kenobi!" he pleaded.

"What the hell do you want, you brainwashed bastard?!" I was aware that Luke lay exposed on my bed, completely helpless.

Boba Fett raised both arms in a surrendering manner. "I am here strictly as a guide."

I reached out with the Force and sensed that he was alone. "A guide for what?"

He confidently took a step into my hut. "A guide to reunite you with your friends. Kilgore has taken the boy and Wookiee as prisoners."

I felt the blood drain from my head. "How do I know if you are speaking the truth, and that Kilgore hasn't placed a secret command in your mind?"

Boba Fett was silent for a moment, and I felt his confusion. "I can't say for sure, Kenobi."

I suddenly felt sorry for the bounty hunter. "But he killed your father."

"I am aware of that, and the moment he frees me from his mind control I will kill him. Now," he paused, "I will give you one hour to find a safe place to drop off that child you are protecting. Then you will meet me at the Cantina in Mos Eisley."

After Boba left it took me only a minute to decide where to bring Luke. It wasn't going to be fun.

TATOOINE - Day 1,163 (Part II):

"I hate you!" he screamed, and spat at me.

Jeez, if I had a galactic credit for every time I heard that. "You know, when people usually say that to me they're lying on the ground with all their limbs missing. You should appreciate that."

"Screw you, Kenobi." Owen Lars was beside himself with anger.

"I don't want to stay with that asshole!" Luke exclaimed.

"Luke!" Snot nearly shot out of my nose as I held back the laughter, and pretended to scold him.

"What?" Luke played dumb.

"See! You've been using your Jedi mind tricks on him. He hates me because of you!" Owen said, sounding like he almost believed it himself.

"Oh yes," I began, "that's why he hates you. It has nothing to do with you being a drunk, beating Beru, or treating the boy like crap."

"Well...you stole my family!"

"Really?!" I said in disbelief. "Do you have selective hearing, or are you just stupid?"

"Stupid!" Luke yelled.

"Believe me Owen, you are the last person on this sand filled toilet of a planet that I would ever want to trust with Luke's safety. The only reason why I'm doing this is because you know who Luke is, and you know what I am, and if you ever let anything happen to Luke I would take my saber and slice off your dick. Understood?"

Owen mumbled something in affirmation.

"I should only be a few hours, so stay sober and stay on your farm. Got it?"

More mumbling.

I knelt before Luke and took his face into my hands. "I will return for you."

"I know."

"If you should feel nervous or threatened while you are here, lock yourself in your old room. And feel free to use the Force to protect yourself."

"Wizard!" He jumped up and threw his arms around my neck.

Saying a final goodbye, I walked away. Just as I was about to get into my landspeeder Owen called out to me, "Tell Beru that I still love her!"

I yelled back, "I have no contact with her! She left us both, remember?!" This was of course mostly true. I knew she was somewhere on Takodana, staying with her twin sister and about to give birth to our space love child, but for the safety of that child I didn't want to know any details.

During my journey to meet Boba Fett in Mos Eisley, my thoughts centered on Beru. She left Tatooine forty-three days ago, and I've only heard from her once, and that was when she first arrived on Takodana. Did I make the right decision sending her away? Shouldn't I be there for the birth of our child? And what becomes of Luke when I have a child of my own? I dreaded the thought of having to hide them both from the Empire for the next twenty or so years, or even worse, would I end up being a deadbeat dad like Anakin?!

I found Boba Fett in the Cantina. Knowing that his mind had been controlled by the man who killed his father really put my own problems in perspective. Boba was supposed to bring me to where Kilgore was holding Chewie and Han prisoner. Now I was placed in the precarious position of trying to decide if Boba had gone rogue and was acting alone, or if he was still Kilgore's puppet and I was walking into a trap. It was impossible to sense which situation I was dealing with.

As we rode out into the desert in my landspeeder, I turned to Boba Fett, "You and I have had some interesting experiences together since I came to Tatooine four years ago."

"Jeez Kenobi," even with his helmet on, he refused to look at me, "you're not going to get all emotional are you?"

"No," I chuckled. "But I wish I knew which Boba I was dealing with."

Now he removed his helmet and peered at me. "Don't you think I wish I knew?! I can't even remember if it was my own idea to help you, or if I'm mindlessly setting you up to be killed! Ever since I joined Kilgore I've lost myself. Then you tell me that he's really Mace Windu, and my own mind wouldn't allow me to kill him!"

"I'm sorry, Boba. I felt your confusion back on that rock formation. I know your inner struggle."

"Whatever you did that day, when you lit up and kicked his ass, that was the first time I felt free from his control. But it only lasted for a few moments."

"I lit up?" That was news to me.

"Yeah, you radiated a blue light." Boba put his helmet back on. "Hey, can't you do that again? This way we can both know the truth about this trip."

"I wish I could, Boba. That was the first time I had ever done that, and it knocked me out for three days."

"Crap."

"Yeah...crap." I agreed.

Boba led us down a narrow canyon, which eventually hit a dead end. At the impasse was a sandcrawler parked against the rock wall. There were no Jawas, no bounty hunters, no Kilgore, no nothing. Complete isolation.

"Stop," Boba instructed.

"Is this where you're going to kill me?"

"I honestly wish I knew, Kenobi."

I got out of the landspeeder and faced what appeared to be an abandoned sandcrawler, while Boba remained in the passenger seat.

"Your friends are in there," he said. "That much I know is true."

"Okay..."

"I'll stay here," he lowered his head towards his chest, "for your own protection."

"Thanks," I said, making my way to the crawler.

By now it was dark outside and the narrowness of the canyon's walls hid the three moons, causing it to be darker still. It was totally plausible that there could be an army waiting above me, but for the moment I sensed nothing. Reaching out with the Force I was able to feel Chewie and Han's presence within a structure before me.

I cautiously entered the sandcrawler, lighting my saber in order to see. It was abandoned, but not by choice, because I found a pile of rotting Jawa corpses off in the corner. By the decomposition of their bodies I could tell that they had all been killed some time ago. Moving further into the crawler I saw a hole that was carved out at the far end. It led me into a hollowed out portion of the canyon wall. Inside were two rows of several dozen cages.

The Wookiees had been held here. I could sense twenty, maybe even thirty, had recently been moved. Then I heard the whimper of a remaining Wookiee.

"Chewie?!" I yelled.

"Dude!" he called back.

"Hey gramps?" Han Solo chimed in. "How about you get us the hell out of here?!"

Moving down the line of cages, I found my friends in the last two. Their weapons hung on the back wall. I sliced open the locks and tossed Han his blaster and Chewie his bowcaster.

"Are either of you injured?"

"Well, my feelings are hurt that it took you so long to find us," Han cracked wise.

"Funny," I said. "Now let's get the hell out of here before it blows up, or something."

The three of us ran through the hollowed out room, through the sandcrawler, and out its side door. When I felt the sand beneath my feet I stopped running. I immediately noticed that Boba Fett and my landspeeder were gone.

"Son of a bitch," I muttered to myself, and that's when Han and Chewie began firing at me.

TATOOINE - Day 1,163 (Part III):

I should have known this would happen, but of course I'm a dumbass. Now, I have Chewbacca and Han Solo trying to blast me into a million pieces.

PEW, PEW, PEW.

I harmlessly deflect the laser bolts past my friends and against the canyon walls behind them. I was so distracted by what Boba Fett's agenda might be, and whether or not Han and Chewie were still alive, that it never crossed my mind that they would be the trap. I need to end this standoff before a larger ambush is sprung, or before Kilgore leaves the planet with his dozens of Wookiee prisoners.

PEW, PEW, PEW.

Han and Chewie stand before me with blank expressions on their faces, continuing to fire, as I continue to bat the blasts away. "Are we almost done?" I yelled to them.

Chewie blinked and shook his head. "Sorry, dude! I don't know why, but I can't stop firing at you!"

PEW, PEW, PEW.

"Oh, don't worry about it," I scoffed, "I've had closer friends do a lot worse."

Han snapped out of his mindless stare. "What the hell, gramps?! Why am I trying to kill you?" he asked, while trying to kill me.

PEW, PEW, PEW.

"Well young Solo, it seems that Kilgore has used the old Jedi mind trick on you."

One of the deflected blasts whizzed a little too closely to Han's head. "Jeez gramps, I said I was sorry. You don't need to try and kill me," he stated, while continuing to fire.

PEW, PEW, PEW.

"Sorry...my bad. Slapping the lasers away is getting a tad monotonous. It was a mere temporary loss of concentration," I said, swinging my arm back and forth as if I were playing a game of space ping pong.

"Um, Ben?" Chewie began. "How are we going to stop?"

PEW, PEW, PEW.

"I'm going to have to reset your brains."

"What?!" Han cried.

PEW, PEW, PEW.

"Don't worry, it'll only hurt for a moment," I said, as I Force pulled the weapons from their hands.

They automatically started running toward me, looking like they wanted to kill me with their bare hands. Han was the first, and I really felt bad about it because he was only a kid, but I flipped over him and in midair I clocked him upside the head with the hilt of my saber. He went down like a bag of mynocks, and fell unconscious.

Chewbacca was a different story. When I attempted to flip over him, he grabbed my arm in midair, spun me around a few times, then flung me into the canyon wall.

"Shit, man. I don't know why I did that," as he apologized he ran towards me again. I managed to stand in time, but he kicked my saber out of my hand.

"You're not making this easy for me, Chewie!" I quickly turned, took a step up the canyon wall, and pushing off I launched myself, fists first, right at the Wookiee.

Chewbacca caught me and began to hug the life out of me. We were eye level to each other and he began to head butt me, but apologized while doing it.

"I..." THUMP, "am so..." THUMP, "sorry!" THUMP.

At this point, I was done. I felt my eyes roll into the back of my head as he dropped me to the ground. He sat on my chest, which was bad enough, but then started to choke me.

"Chew...plea..." I felt a few of my ribs snap and then everything went black.

In the abyss I heard Han's voice, "Hey, Fluffy!" Then nothing.

I woke up slowly. My entire body was aching. I sensed a few fractured ribs, a mild concussion, a sprained neck, and a few more cuts and bruises scattered throughout. This was everything you'd expect to receive when entering into hand-to-hand combat with a Wookiee, which of course no one should ever do.

"Dude," Chewie's voice made me wince, "I'm like totally so sorry, man."

I focused my eyes and found Chewbacca and Han sitting on the ground, watching over me.

"You okay, gramps?" Han smiled broadly.

"I'll live," I said, sitting up. I nearly passed out as the blood rushed from my head. "Whoa. Or maybe not. What the hell happened?"

Chewie chuckled with glee, "This little dude saved your life! He knocked me out with a rock!"

"Wow!" I almost vomited from the pain. "Han, did you really knock out the mighty Chewbacca?!"

"Sure did, gramps." He puffed his chest out triumphantly. "When I came to, I saw Fluffy beating the crap out of you. I realized that I no longer wanted you dead, so I grabbed the biggest rock I could find and the rest is history."

"He reset my brain," Chewie snorted.

"Yeah," I smiled, "the good thing about mind tricks is that they're limited to time and consciousness." Rubbing my crushed chest, I added, "Maybe next time, I'll just wait for you guys to fall asleep."

"So what's the plan, boss?" Chewie asked.

"You two saw the Wookiees?"

Chewie lowered his head. Han noticed that his new friend was in pain and spoke up for him. "Yes, there were around twenty of them, and they were in rough shape."

"What do you mean?"

Han continued, "They looked malnourished, underweight, missing hair, the works. We have to get Chewie's people back from that monster!"

"I agree, young one. Chewie?" I questioned my depressed friend, "I know you're exhausted from serving me my ass on a platter, but are you up to rescuing your comrades?"

Chewie bounced to attention. "Totally, man! You'd do that for me?"

I looked at Han and then back at Chewie, "We'd do it with you...man."

The three of us grabbed hands and pulled each other up off the ground. What a motley crew we were, all dirty, battered and beaten. We needed to replenish our precious bodily fluids, and gather our strength if we were to stop a Sith from delivering Wookiee prisoners to the Empire.

"Okay friends," I nodded to both of them, "we have to get back to Mos Eisley as fast as we can to prevent Kilgore from leaving Tatooine."

They cheered briefly, as I thought about how the hell we were going to pull this off. I started toward the sandcrawler and muttered to myself, "And I really need a dip in a damn bacta tank, because I'm getting too old for this shit."

TATOOINE - Day 1,164:

There's something life affirming about almost getting beaten to death. When you've given it your all, but your all doesn't amount to shit, that's when you have to surrender to fate. A near death experience makes you reflect on your life and your accomplishments, and what you still need to accomplish.

Chewie had kicked my ass, kicked my ass but good. He beat me like a red headed Ewok, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I was dead. Or rather, I should have died if it weren't for Han Solo saving me. I should have died dozens of times in the past, but was always lucky enough to escape it. Maybe it was the Force telling me it wasn't done with me yet, or maybe it was just a bunch of stuff that happened.

Anyway, Chewie got the sandcrawler running, and we were slowly making our way to the Mos Eisley spaceport. The mission was to liberate the Wookiees that Kilgore had captured and planned on selling to the Empire.

I was in no shape to face Kilgore. Chewie had served me up a concussion, broken ribs, and a sprained neck. Right now I'd have a hard enough time taking down a Jawa, let alone a Sith. I needed to visit the medical shop in Mos Eisley called "Bacta Yourself," but there just wasn't enough time.

Chewie had been eyeballing me pretty hard when he finally spoke up, "What's the haps, man?"

"In all my years fighting in the Clone Wars and battling Sith, I never received such a vicious beating as the one you gave me."

Chewie threw his big hairy arms around me and began weeping. "I'm so sorry, dude. I wish I could take it back. I'll kill that Kilgore douche when I see him!"

"No, I'm not blaming you," I patted Chewie's back. Even having his arms resting on my shoulders was causing me too much pain. "What I'm trying to tell you is that I don't know what kind of support I can offer since I'm physically such a wreck."

"Tell me what I can do." Chewie now had his gigantic paws on my shoulders, and it made me feel lightheaded.

"First off, and I'm sorry for saying this, but please stop touching me."

"Oh crap," Chewie withdrew his hands. "Sorry again, man."

"It's okay. But unless you can stop time and get me about three days in a bacta tank, I'm not going to be much help. People might actually die because of me."

"Bullshit!" Han Solo came down from keeping watch on the roof of the sandcrawler. "You're indestructible!"

"I wish that were the case, young one."

Chewie leaned forward and whispered into my ear, "I might have something that could help you, man." Then he patted his space messenger bag.

"Oh no!" I leaned back. "No way!"

"What is it, gramps?" Han was too curious for his own good.

Chewie chuckled slightly.

Ignoring Han, I focused on Chewie. "Last time I took your bockta flowers I had a vision!"

"A vision that came true, man. About Mace Windu's return."

"What are bockta flowers?!" Han was growing extremely impatient.

"No Chewie!" I continued to ignore Han. "The last thing I need is to be having visions and tripping balls when I'm facing a Sith!"

"Somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?" Han pleaded.

Turning to the young man, I informed him, "Chewie wants me to take a hallucinogenic drug to help me deal with my pain."

"No man," Chewie became defensive, "it's a spiritual herbal remedy of my people."

I translated this for Han.

"And besides," Chewie continued, "in very small dosages it can greatly reduce pain and discomfort, man."

Once again I translated for Han.

"Just take some," Han said. "You're obviously no good to us in your current state."

Ignoring them both, I went to meditate on my options. However, seeing that I was incapable of even getting into my meditative position, I felt like I had no other choice.

I came back to find Han and Chewie trying to work out their language barrier. "Ok," I announced, "I'll take the bare minimum dose required to help with pain."

"Righteous choice, dude!" Chewie said, wasting no time pulling some petals from his bag.

As I placed them on my tongue, I reassured them, as well as myself, "If this can take some of the edge off, the Force can do the rest."

We ditched the sandcrawler right outside of Mos Eisley, and quickly headed on foot to the spaceport. The city was crawling with Stormtroopers, even more than last time.

Han took notice as well, "Looks like the Empire is showing some major interest in this place."

"But why, man?" Chewie asked.

No one knew.

As we walked I was aware that the bockta flowers were starting to kick in. The pain seemed to slip away and I was beginning to regain my confidence. When we reached the docking bays, I asked my friends to hang back for a minute. Then I confidently approached two Stormtroopers patrolling the area.

"Excuse me, gentlemen?"

"Yes, citizen? Can we see your identification?"

"No," I answered.

"What?!" The Troopers looked at each other and raised their weapons.

Waving my hand, I instructed, "You won't be needing your blasters."

In unison they repeated, "We won't be needing our blasters."

Their helmets looked so bright and shiny, almost glittery even. I had to fight the urge to rub my hands all over them. Understanding that it was the drugs making me feel this way, I needed to stay on target. "You will tell me which docking bay is transporting the Wookiees."

Only one knew the answer, so the other remained silent. "The Wookiees are at docking bay 94."

I thanked them, then couldn't resist adding, "You will go and have a drink at the Cantina, there you will reconsider your employment options. Maybe look into moisture farming."

They of course repeated this, and I returned to my friends to give them the update.

"You're smiling ear to ear, gramps," Han, the little buzzkill, informed me.

"That's because I'm feeling confident with our mission," I lied.

As we entered the foyer to docking bay 94, I immediately noticed chained Wookiees being led into a transport ship by Kilgore's bounty hunters.

"Kenobi! You sneaky mothafucka!"

I heard Kilgore's voice and then saw him standing on top of the transport, overseeing the operation.

"I guess I would have been slightly disappointed if they had actually killed your ass!" Kilgore let out an awful electronic cackle.

I turned to Chewie and Han, "Can you guys handle the bounty hunters?"

Looking around, all the hunters that were visible were Greedo, Dengar and Bossk.

"Dude!" They agreed in unison.

"Kilgore?!" I shouted. "Let's dance!"

With that I leapt into the air with my saber humming above me.

TATOOINE - Day 1,164 (Part II):

As I flew through the air, I was ready to bring my saber down on Kilgore. Then things...changed. I seemed to be moving in slow motion. I felt like I was suspended in midair, leisurely moving towards my target. I became aware of the insects that hovered around me. I could hear their movement and feel their wings delicately blowing against my cheek. I felt every speck of dust and sand as they floated by. The sunbeams were alive. They massaged my face while also dancing across Kilgore's bald head. I realized that I had never felt more alive. Even more shocking to me was that I was happy, truly happy! I looked at Kilgore/Mace and felt great compassion for the man. No, we were never really friends, he had the personality of a block of wood, but he was one of the last Jedi in the galaxy. We shared something that only a handful of people could. I wanted to give him a big warm hug.

Still barely moving through the air, I gave Kilgore the biggest, brightest smile I could muster. I felt miniature smiles shooting out of my eyes at him. He cocked his head slightly, and in a slow electronic voice said, "Wwwhhhaaattt ttthhheee fffuuuccc..."

That's when I knew. The hallucinogens Chewie had given me for pain were making me trip my Jedi balls off. Knowing this, regular time resumed, and in a blink I was standing on the transport ship face-to-face with Kilgore.

"Why are you acting so weird, Kenobi?" he asked.

"Neber youssmind," I slurred, in response.

Kilgore lunged at me, and our lightsabers made contact. I felt like I was on automatic pilot as we slapped our sabers together. I became distracted by the beautiful blue and purple trails they left behind.

"I'm gonna finish yo' ass once and for all," Kilgore snarled.

Why was this guy so mean? Just a few seconds ago I was the happiest man in the galaxy. Now this guy is just being so...mean. I don't get it.

Kilgore did a forward flip over me, and as he hit the ground below I was still swinging wildly in the air above me.

Noticing that my foe had moved, I exclaimed, "Ah-ha! I have the high ground."

"What?!" Kilgore looked up at me, and put his hands on his hips. "That doesn't make a lick of sense, fool."

I agreed, and ran away from him. I moved across the top of the transport to the other side and found Han and Chewie in a shootout with Greedo, Bossk, and Dengar. Multicolored laser beams flew back and forth between the two parties.

"Oohhh, pretty," I said to no one in particular.

"Have you lost your damn mind, Kenobi?!" Kilgore yelled up from the beneath the ship. "Stop hiding up there "

"Ok fine," I started, "I'll come down. Sheesh."

"You been smoking death sticks or something?" Kilgore inquired.

"No," I said, jumping off the ship. "I just don't like how mean you've become."

"What?!"

"Yeah, sorry, but you've become like...real mean. It's not the Jedi way, is all."

"Mean?" Kilgore shook his head in disbelief. "Unlike you, I finally became aware of the lies of the Jedi. And now, I'm not scared of the dark side like you are..."

I've had this conversation before. Kilgore's face began to mutate as he spoke.

"Join me, Kenobi. Together we can take down The Emperor and Vader."

I was distracted by his face which continued to morph. His skin lightened, hair grew from the top of his head, the breathing apparatus disappeared and a different face formed.

"I, I, I, can't join you, Anakin."

"Anakin?! Kenobi, you're trippin'. So check this, if you don't join me, you're my enemy, see?"

Anakin stood before me, his face was healed. He was dressed in Kilgore's black life-suit, and sported a Jedi mullet.

I lit my saber and blurted out, "Only a Sith deals in absolutes!"

"Well, yeah. Duh," Kilgore snickered.

"So you don't like sand, huh?!" I swung wildly. "You think I like being stuck on this sandy asshole of a planet, protecting your child from you?! You've ruined my life, you whiny punk!"

I attacked Anakin with a new found fury, pounding my saber against his again and again. I couldn't stop. I knew Anakin had to be destroyed.

"Daaaamn, son," Kilgore said, "you've been practicing."

"You were my brother, Anakin," I screamed while striking over and over. "But I will end your evil reign."

Kilgore took a step back. "You know, Kenobi, your lunacy is kind of killing the moment for me." He raised his hand and began Force choking me.

I raised my hand and did the same. We lifted each other off the ground in unison. The pain brought me back to reality and that's when Anakin turned back into Kilgore. I made a mental note to kick Chewie in his overly hairy balls for giving me those bockta flowers.

Kilgore and I reached a stalemate, and we released each other. He attempted to Force push me, but I countered his attack and neither one of us could move the other.

"Well...then...," Kilgore strained against me, "it seems this battle will not be won with our knowledge of the Force. So sabers it is!" With that he threw his saber at me. It nicked my dueling arm slightly, putting me off balance.

"Boys!" Kilgore screamed, and did a triple flip into my chest, crushing my already broken ribs.

I fell to the ground in agony, and tried frantically to catch my breath. That's when Kilgore put his plan into action. He Force pushed me along the floor and into the foyer where Han and Chewie were holed up. Then his three bounty hunters each threw a device, two stuck to opposing walls and one to the floor. A force field erupted from the devices. We were trapped.

Chewie helped me up, but I had to stand hunched over due to the pain. Han grabbed my other arm to offer me support.

"You've lost, mothafuckas!" Kilgore was standing on his transport again, gloating over us. "I know you tried your best, but your best sucked. So we won! We got the transport filled with filthy Wookiees, and you got dick."

"We've got our lives, Kilgore," I struggled to speak. "And we will find you, destroy you, and liberate the Wookiees."

"Yeah, about that..." he began.

Boba Fett walked out of the ship. By his posture I could immediately tell that he was under Kilgore's control. He walked up to the force field and stopped.

Kilgore jumped down off the ship and stood next to Boba Fett. "This greatly saddens me."

"What? That you're so damn ugly?" Han chimed in.

Kilgore turned to Boba, "You know, I like that kid. He's got balls." Turning back to me his eyes widened and I could tell that there was a smile under his breathing apparatus. "It saddens me that little Luke Skywalker isn't here to die with the rest of you."

"Don't you dare..." I started to say.

"But!" Kilgore cut me off. "I'll just have to come back when I'm the new Lord of the Sith and kill that little bitch nice and slow like."

Chewie held me back from my futile attempt to murder the bastard.

"All aboard, boys! Boba, do your thing."

As the three bounty hunters loaded into the transport, Boba Fett walked through what we discovered was a one sided force field. He stood motionless beside us.

"It's three against one, Kilgore." I tried not to sound too desperate. "You don't think we can take him?"

"You will try," he said, and began to laugh his hideous laugh. He then boarded the ship and it took off without hesitation.

The three of us exchanged glances. We couldn't believe he had just gotten away. "We'll get them back, Chewie," I tried to reassure him.

"Yeah," Han added, "and we'll make ugly pay!"

Then it got silent as we all wondered what to do with Boba, who stood quiet and motionless.

"Boba," I said, "Kilgore is gone. You don't have to do whatever it is he told you to do."

"Freedom of choice, man," Chewie added.

"Boba," I began, while attempting to reach out to him with my mind, "you're with us now. Kilgore, err...Mace, the man that brutally murdered your father has escaped. If you work with us we can still have time to take him out."

No movement from Boba Fett.

Chewie roared and smacked Boba across the helmet, knocking him to the ground.

"Jeez Fluffy, I thought you were a peace loving tree climber," Han laughed.

Boba got to his hands and knees and said, "What the hell is going on?"

The three of us helped him to his feet. "Are you with us, Boba?" I nearly begged for an affirmative.

"Yes," he said, shaking his helmet. "What's going on? How did I end up here?"

"That's a long story, friend," I smiled at him, "but for now we have to concentrate on getting out of..."

Without warning, Boba's jetpack began beeping.

"Ah...what's that?" Han asked nervously.

"I don't know," Boba said, reaching around himself to feel for any new device on his back. "Can you see where it's coming from?"

Chewie squatted down to take a look. The beeps started going faster and faster. "I think we're dealing with a countdown, man," Chewie gave his expert opinion.

"We need out of this force field," Han said, looking around wildly for a way out.

"I don't think there's time," I said, fearing this was the end.

The beeps were now almost continuous. "It's gonna blow!"

"I'm sorry, Boba!" I yelled, and gave him a Force push away from us.

There was a blinding white light, followed by a deafening boom. I had held the Force push long enough so that most of the explosion was contained to Boba and the force field. I lowered my hand and looked to my friends. Chewie was holding a passed out Han in his arms. It appeared that Han's only injury was a piece of shrapnel that cut his chin open. Chewie had a few smoking bald spots in his fur. My left shoulder had been shattered, and we all had an overwhelming ringing in our ears.

That's when I noticed Boba. All of his limbs, and the bottom part of his torso, were blown to bits. The force field was gone as well.

"Chewie!" I acted fast. "Can you care for Han while I get help for Boba?"

"Sure man, anything."

I ran out to the street and grabbed the first two weak minded Stormtroopers I could find. I convinced them to follow me back to the docking bay. Chewie reached for his blaster when he saw them.

"Relax my friend," I instructed. Then I turned to the Troopers and said, "This young man is Boba Fett, you will do anything necessary in order to save his life. Pick him up and get him to a medical droid, immediately."

The Empire's finest did what they were told, leaving poor Boba's shattered limbs on the floor.

Han had woken up and was back on his feet. I wiped a trickle of blood from his injured chin. "Hey kid," I smiled at him, "seems like you just received your first battle scar."

"Wizard!" he yelled, as his hearing was still affected by the blast.

"What now, dude?" Chewie asked.

"We steal you the first ship we can find and you two go after Kilgore."

"What? You're not coming, gramps?" Han sounded like I had broken his heart.

I rested my hands on my knees and tried to look as sympathetic as possible. "I'm sorry young one, my primary mission is to protect Luke. I can't leave this world. I've also had the shit kicked out of me two days in a row. I'm falling apart."

"Ok," Han lowered his head and kicked some rubble. "I understand."

As fate would have it, Boba Fett's ship, Slave I, was in the next docking bay. "I believe Boba would give us his blessing to borrow his ship in order to apprehend the man that murdered his father."

Chewie and Han agreed, and hugged me goodbye, causing me an overwhelming amount of pain. But if they were successful it would all be worth it. They took off within seconds. Kilgore's slow transport would be no match for Slave I.

As for myself, I dragged my battered body to my landspeeder and headed for the Lars homestead. I was gone longer than I had promised. Part of me hoped Owen would give me a hard time about that because I was still in ass-kicking mode, despite my injuries.

Arriving at the moisture farm I instantly knew something was wrong. I sensed no one. Hopefully Owen took Luke on a supply run. Otherwise I might be putting someone else in a life-suit.

I limped my way into the empty domicile. Before I got down the flight of stairs I could see a handwritten note on the table. I was not going to be happy.

Picking it up, it read:

"Obee-Wan,

I haat you for breakin up my femaily, you Jedii scumm. I took Luk to wear youl nevah find him. When I gets Beru back, youl gets Luke back. Intil then dont trie to find us. I hope you dy a lone in your hutt. Jerk!

Owen Lars"

At least he spelled his name right. That illiterate bastard was going to pay for putting Luke in danger once again. There were so many times I could have just let him die. Why am I such an idiot?!

I crawled up the staircase and dragged myself toward the landspeeder. The endless landscape of dunes began to spin uncontrollably. Somewhere in the blur I noticed several Jawas. Then everything went white and I landed face down in the sand. It felt so nice to lose consciousness.

TATOOINE - Day 1,174:

For ten useless days I floated around in a bacta tank. Typically, when an individual is placed in one of these healing tanks a mild coma is induced in order to relax the patient and speed up recovery. For a Jedi it is different, although I was administered the drug, I stayed conscious. I was unable to open my eyes or move, but I was fully aware of every healing second that passed. I was aware when I was having uncontrollable liquid bowel movements due to my intravenous liquid diet. I was aware each time they pulled me out of the tank to change my diaper. I was aware of the female Rodian nurse who would play with my ding-a-ling, as if she had never seen a human one before. But most unfortunately, I was aware of the chaos that waited for me once I was released from my liquid tomb.

So for ten days every second was spent worrying about where drunken Uncle Owen had taken Luke. I could sense that Luke was still on Tatooine and was not suffering, but how long would this last? Then there was Kilgore's escape with his Wookiee prisoners, followed by Chewie and Han in hot pursuit. What became of them? So much could have happened in ten long days. But my thoughts always came back to Beru, and my child she carried inside of her. Was she safe, and when would I see her again?

As a result of Chewie kicking my ass and my hallucinogenic battle with Kilgore, I had suffered a concussion, sprained neck, broken ribs and nose, a shattered shoulder, all kinds of internal bleeding, the works. But on the tenth day I was magically healed. Drained from the tank, I was handed my robes and bid a fond farewell, especially from the Rodian nurse.

I left the medical clinic, "Bacta Yourself," and with my pruned hands headed straight for the Cantina, not for a much needed drink, but for information. The Kilgore incident had to have made some noise in the galaxy, and if anyone was around to hear it it would be the patrons of the Cantina. After all, Kilgore was using the Wookiees as a cover to infiltrate the Empire. He intended to challenge Vader for his spot as The Emperor's lapdog. If that didn't make news I had no idea what would.

I entered the nearly empty Cantina, and immediately spotted a familiar face. Greedo had been a major thorn in my side for quite some time. So when he noticed me, I smiled, and began Force choking him from across the room. His associates thought he was choking on something and started hitting him on the back. It was hilarious.

I moved to the table where he was sitting and released my hold on him. Sitting down, I turned to his two associates, "Excuse me gentleman, I have business to discuss with Greedo."

Seeing the fear in the Rodian's big black eyes, they sprang out of their seats and took off.

"I, I, I'm a bounty hunter, Ben," he babbled. "I was just doing my job."

Leaning across the table, I made sure that my message came across extremely loud and clear. "Just shut up, and quit groveling. I'm going to ask you a few questions and you're going to answer them. Any extra drama, and you're getting a lightsaber into your belly. Understood?"

"O-o-o-kay," he stuttered, and inched back into his seat.

"Question one," I sneered at Greedo, "why are you no longer with Kilgore?"

"Well, Ben. Can I call you Ben?"

Through clenched teeth I attempted to control the volume of my speech. "Answer the damn question before I turn you into a lizard shish kabob right under this table."

"Right, of course." He attempted to slide a little further away from me. "As soon as Kilgore made contact with the Imperial Star Destroyer, he shoved the three of us into an escape pod and jettisoned us out into space."

"So you, Bossk, and Dengar all came back to Tatooine?"

"Yes," Greedo said. "Bossk and Dengar went straight to Jabba's Palace in order to find work. I decided to take a little time off." Greedo attempted a smile. His long lizard lips disgusted me.

I rubbed my beard while in deep thought. "And the ship that was pursuing you, the Slave I, what happened to it?" I was hoping that Chewie and Han had survived.

"They...ah, broke off the attack as soon as the Imperial Star Destroyer came within range."

Of course, they would have to do that, I thought. But where have they been since?

"Now, Greedo," I stared intensely into his large disc shaped eyes, "you're telling me that as far as you know, when you left Kilgore's ship he was about to dock with the Star Destroyer?"

"Yes, Ben. Er, I mean, yes." Greedo fidgeted with his suction cup finger tips. "The last thing I heard him say was that he just got cleared to dock."

"Ok Greedo," I smiled the most diplomatic Jedi smile I could, "after everything you put me through, I should slice out those big ugly eyes of yours."

"No please sir, don't." He was panicking now.

"Instead," I raised my voice over his pathetic pleading, "I'm going to ask you one more question, and I want you to carefully consider the answer before speaking."

"Okay." He was visibly shaking.

"During your brief escape with Kilgore and the Wookiee prisoners, did anything out of the ordinary happen, that you forgot to mention?"

"Um no, not that I..." he suddenly sat straight up, "...wait! There was the container!"

"Container?"

"Yes! As soon as we got out of Tatooine's orbit we picked up a container that was floating in space."

"Interesting," I twirled my beard with my index finger. "What did it look like?"

"That's the strange thing. It was as black as space, and tall and thin like a person. But Kilgore wouldn't let any of us go near it, and he never opened it while we were still on the ship."

"Thank you, my Rodian...acquaintance." I felt he had served his purpose and it was time to let him off the hook. "Seeing that you have not been deceptive in any way, I'm going to let you go now. So why don't you get out of Mos Eisley, because this is my town. And pray that our paths never cross again."

"Of course, of course!" Greedo struggled to get out of the booth as fast as he could. Before he was even able to get to his feet he fell to the floor.

That's when I noticed that Greedo was wearing women's high heeled shoes. Stranger, and stranger, I thought.

I went to my hut in hopes of finding some trace of Luke, or Chewie and Han. I had no luck. Neither did I find anything new at the Lars homestead. I decided that for the time being, my best bet would be to seek out Bossk and Dengar at Jabba's Palace. Maybe they could shed some light on Chewie and Han's disappearance. And since Jabba had his fat fingers in every pot on Tatooine, I was hoping maybe he had some news about a drunkard going into hiding with a little boy.

From the Lars place I took my landspeeder through Slauce Canyon as a shortcut to Mos Eisley, and then would make my way up the Great Mesra Plateau to Jabba's Palace. But as I was passing Mos Eisley I heard a terrible noise from above.

Flying low, a transport vessel, that looked identical to Kilgore's, roared over me. Behind it zoomed a black TIE fighter with curved solar array wings. It fired its heavy twin blaster cannons mercilessly at the transport ship.

The pursued vessel skimmed a couple of dunes and then crashed directly outside the busy streets of Mos Eisley. I hid my landspeeder behind a wall of sand, and peeking over the top I used my electrobinoculars to get a closer view of the action.

From out of the burning wreckage I saw Kilgore leap out. He was followed by another figure, a figure I could not make out because of his black cloak and hood. The TIE that had been pursuing them now landed causing a small dust storm. It was enough wind to blow off the hood of Kilgore's companion. I felt my stomach drop as I stared at the former "Darth" Maul.

Things went from bad to worse as the pilot exited the TIE fighter. I shook my electrobinoculars, hoping there was something wrong with them. I suddenly felt like I was dreaming, or tripping on bockta flowers again.

Standing in the swirls of sand, just outside of Mos Eisley, was Kilgore, Maul, and... Darth Vader!

And boy, did I have a bad feeling about this.

TATOOINE - Day 1,174 (Part II):

Three dead monsters.

There were three dead monsters within shouting distance of me. And, of course, the bitter irony of it was that they all wanted me dead. None of them would stay dead themselves, and I should know because I "killed" all of them!

It appeared that Kilgore and Maul had joined forces to rally against Vader. I guess Kilgore's attempted coup failed miserably, which is why he fled back to Tatooine. But at least now I understood that it was Maul who had trained Kilgore in the dark arts, and that it was also he who was in the container floating in space. Kilgore had a Sith ace up his sleeve, and now we would see if it was going to pay off.

A small crowd from Mos Eisley was forming around the dueling Sith. I, myself, was so overwhelmed with seeing these three individuals that I didn't know who to root for.

I had just been with Kilgore ten days ago when he nearly blew me up, then escaped with the Wookiee prisoners. Formerly Mace Windu. Formerly my ally. He had actually died twice, once when Palpatine threw him out of a window, and once when I dropped him off a cliff. He wanted me dead because Anakin Skywalker betrayed him, and I was protecting the son of his enemy.

The last time I saw Maul, he had murdered my first true love, Duchess Satine. Then a short while later he murdered Jedi Master Tiplee. Maul, killer of my own Master, is my sworn enemy. He of course, wanted me dead because I sliced the bastard in half, which robbed him of his place at Palpatine's side.

And Vader, well, I beat him like the whiny bitch he was. Limbless and on fire, I felt safe to walk away. But like the others, he survived. He, once my Padawan and friend, most of all deserved to die. Vader wanted to kill me for all kinds of stupid and delusional Sith reasons.

The battle between the three was amazing! Maul's windmill-like acrobatics, as he spun his dual saber, seemed to surprise even Vader, who of course had never faced him before. Kilgore had a more 'stand and fight' attitude, with the occasional backhanded swing that came out of nowhere. Anakin/Vader's fighting style had completely changed. No longer quick and graceful, his life-suit made him slow and clunky. He fought as if he had a lightsaber hilt stuck up his ass. But I could sense that his power had grown immensely.

Three of the most powerful and deadly beings in the galaxy, and they couldn't sense me watching them with my electrobinoculars. Or at least, they didn't acknowledge my presence. And Vader being on the same planet as myself and his son, was not good. One of us needed to leave Tatooine before he sensed me. For once, I was relieved that drunken Uncle Owen had kidnapped Luke and was in hiding.

Maul did an amazing flip over Vader, and slapped the top of Vader's helmet as a taunt. At the same time, Kilgore lunged forward. Vader defended himself from the attackers on each side, then Force pushed them in opposite directions. They flew back further than I thought possible. Vader levitated his two opponents and then smashed them into one other. The new Dark Lord of the Sith was too smart and much too strong for them.

What really grinds my gears is that Anakin's downfall was all because of a chick. He was totally whipped, and terrified of losing her like he did his precious mommy. But in actuality his mother's death was his own damn fault. He could have come back to Tatooine at any time to liberate her, but he would always say, "No Master Kenobi, I hate sand! Let's go fight some bad guys! My mom's not going anywhere." Then his dumb ass got duped into trusting old Palps. Next thing you knew he's killing younglings, Force choking his woman, and then she's suddenly losing "the will to live." I mean how stupid did that medical droid think we were?! "Lost the will to live," with two lovely babies that she just gave birth to?! No, it had Palpatine's stench all over it. Palps was syphoning Padme's life force out of her and putting it into Vader. I mean, I can't prove that this happened. There's actually no evidence to support this whatsoever, but it makes me feel better to believe it. It just makes more sense. So there.

A flurry of lightsaber clashes erupted. It reminded me of when Qui-Gon and I took on Maul. Now Maul's kicks packed an even a greater wallop as a result of him being metal from the waist down. However, it barely budged Vader, and when Maul attempted another kick, Vader Force pushed his foot right into Kilgore's face. How exciting!

If I weren't so terrified, I would have been enjoying this battle more, like the Mos Eisley onlookers. If these three titans suddenly realized I was here, they would temporarily combine forces to destroy me, and I wouldn't be able to stop them.

There was some kind of verbal exchange between them, but I was too far to hear any of the trash talking. Maul spun, going low, as Kilgore went high. Vader jumped, kicking Maul in the face, and deflecting Kilgore's blade. Then Vader paused for a moment and tilted his head slightly like he was receiving a message. At that point Vader Force pushed Maul so hard that he crashed through the side of the transport vessel. He lifted the ship up and held it, as he Force choked Kilgore and lifted him off the ground as well.

From behind one of the buildings Boba Fett, surprisingly with all four limbs reattached, flew towards the action. Vader crashed the ship to the ground, with Maul still inside. Boba Fett rammed into the back of Kilgore, breaking Vader's hold on him and sending him into the dirt. Vader once again lifted the ship and smashed it down. Boba landed and walked towards Kilgore, picking up the purple bladed saber. As Boba stood over a battered Kilgore, Vader used the Force to rip the transport ship open. When the sparks and smoke eventually cleared it was apparent that Maul was gone. He had somehow slipped into the crowd and disappeared. However, Boba Fett wouldn't allow Kilgore that same chance. As the once proud Jedi who had slain Jango Fett, looked up at his adversary, his own purple blade delicately severed his head from his body. A bloody mist and fleshy smoke filled the air. Boba Fett had finally gotten his revenge.

The bounty hunter and the Sith Lord spoke briefly. Boba Fett attached the lightsaber to his belt and jet packed over Mos Eisley, no doubt searching for Maul.

Darth Vader Force pulled Kilgore's head into his hands. He approached his TIE fighter. Before entering the ship, he turned his head and looked directly at me! I ducked behind the dune. Did he sense me?! I strongly considered running down there and trying to finish Vader off once and for all. But when I gathered the nerve to peek again, Darth Vader was already lifting off in his fighter, and quickly escaped the confines of this planet.

TATOOINE - Day 1,174 (Part III):

Too much crazy shit was going on. I felt like I didn't have the time to process it all. I had to keep moving, keep trying to find some sane resolution to this madness. I needed to find Luke, talk to Boba Fett, and now apparently I also had to kill Darth Maul. So much for living the quiet life of a hermit.

I stood over Mace Windu's decapitated corpse. What was left of him was more machine than man, twisted and starting to smell evil. He was finally dead, once more. This time I was fairly sure it would stick, especially since Vader took Mace's big bald head with him. Maybe it was to offer proof of death to Palpatine, or maybe it was to keep as a personal trophy. Either way, Mace was dead and Vader was gone.

Climbing back into my landspeeder, I left Mace where he was. I decided what little meat was left on his mostly droid body would make a nice snack for the womp rats. It's all he deserved.

I drove into Mos Eisley, hoping to see some signs of which way Maul had headed. But for all I knew he had already fled the planet, although I was fairly certain the Empire had a blockade set up in order to snare him. There were Stormtroopers everywhere, flipping over vendor's carts and generally harassing the masses. I couldn't take the chance of drawing attention to myself so I made the first turn I could and drove casually out of the city to see Jabba the Hutt.

The ghastly albino, Bib Fortuna, stopped me at the gate. He spoke his usual incomprehensible gibberish, and I used my usual mind trick to gain access to Jabba's Palace. The occupants of the throne room might have actually out-fuglied the creatures at the Cantina in Mos Eisley, and that's really saying something. Tatooine was definitely not running low on ugly.

Jabba was on his throne, stuffing his fat face with some kind of terrified frogs, the band was playing, and a blue Twi'lek, Chri-Bergaya, was dancing for Jabba's pleasure. When they noticed me, the room fell silent.

"Hello Ben," Chri-Bergaya said with a wink.

Jabba noticed his slave girl flirting with me and immediately pounded his fist down on a button that triggered a trap door. Chri-Bergaya fell into the Rancor's pit below.

Chri-Bergaya screamed as the Rancor ripped her apart. Jabba on the other hand let out a hardy chuckle, "HA-HA-HA, POODOO CHUNGA!"

I already felt like slicing into that giant slug for killing an innocent Twi'lek, but for the moment I needed to stay on target.

"CHATTA WONGA, BLAH-BLAH-BLAH, KENOBI?" Jabba belched out.

Jabba's translator, who was a different droid from the last time, said, "The exalted Jabba the Hutt welcomes you back, and asks what business you have with him?"

"Tell his royal blubbership, that I am searching for a moisture farmer named Owen Lars."

The droid translated, and Jabba responded, "HA-HA-HA, CHONGA BATA BLAH-BLAH-BLAH."

"The mighty Jabba knows the whereabouts of this moisture farmer," the droid informed me.

"And what would his slugness want in return for this information?" I was almost afraid to ask.

"Jabba the Hutt asks for nothing in return," the droid translated.

"I find that hard to believe," I said, more to myself.

"HA! HA! HAAA!" Jabba shoved his droid while laughing uncontrollably. "MOTA WONGA BUTTA BLAH-BLAH-BLAH!"

The droid struggled to steady himself. "Jabba says that he appreciates your gift of the Rancor, and therefore requires no payment for information."

"I see," I wasn't believing this for a minute. "So where is Owen Lars?"

"He is on the opposite side of Tatooine," the droid continued, "hiding in the Caverns of Mor'du. But you must hurry because a terrible storm is headed that way."

"I thank you, your fatship." I bowed in respect and turned to leave.

"MOONGA!"

"Jabba says wait," the droid stated. "The Empire has enforced a no-fly zone across Tatooine. To journey by speeder would take three days, and the storm will arrive in two."

"So how do I get there?"

I swear the droid was sneering at me. "The quickest way is through...the...planet's...core!"

Not again!

"HA-HA-HA-HAAA!" Jabba was having way too much fun with me.

"Um," I began, "yeah, I've done that before. Except Tatooine is solid rock, and I'm pretty sure that near the planet's core is made up of molten lava. It's just not scientifically possible."

The droid translated. "Jabba has no idea what this 'science' is that you speak off, but he says the journey is possible. And he is willing to assist you in getting there."

At this point I was having a hard time believing anything this obese bastard was saying. But if Owen and Luke were holed up in these mysterious caverns and a storm was coming, what choice did I really have?

"I will graciously accept the help of the mighty Jabba," I said, immediately regretting it. "And what does slug-brain want in exchange for this transportation?"

Translations were exchanged. "Jabba wants nothing."

Now I knew I was in trouble.

Jabba decided to have his droid escort me to the transport. As we made our way down the darkened corridor I could hear Jabba's maniacal laughter still coming from the throne room. "Jabba wishes you luck and a speedy return," the droid attempted to cover for his master's impoliteness.

"I bet he does."

Attempting to make small talk the droid added, "I am THX-1138, Hutt cyborg relations."

"It doesn't matter," I said, glancing around looking for a trap.

"How rude!"

"Listen, TMZ whatever," I began, "the next time I'm here your master will have already melted you down for scrap."

"It's THX-1138, and aren't you just a little ray of sunshine."

The obnoxious droid led me outside through some rock formations. As we rounded a corner, the space opened up to a large courtyard and I was utterly shocked by what I saw.

"And this, Mr. Kenobi," the droid began, "is your transport. The mighty Exogorth, or what is more commonly known as a 'space slug.'"

"You've got to be kidding me."

The creature was enormous! It was so large that I felt it could accidentally inhale me and never be the wiser.

"Funny," I said for my own benefit, "I thought Jabba was the only slug on Tatooine."

"You are a horrible human being," my android counterpart informed me.

In front of the ginormous space slug sat a pill shaped transport vessel, and beside the transport, stood Boba Fett.

TATOOINE - Day 1,175:

The rays from the morning suns glistened off the back of the space slug, as the Gamorrean guards prepared the giant creature for its journey through the planet's core. I had still not gotten the chance to discuss things with Boba Fett, but learning that he was accompanying me on this voyage I felt that I had plenty of time. So I hung back and watched as the sensors were attached to the outside of the slug. I was told that these would be used for controlling its direction.

Once preparations were complete Jabba's droid instructed Boba Fett and I to climb into the pill shaped transport. There were two seats in front of a control panel and a cargo compartment in the back, and nothing else. "You might want to strap yourself in, Kenobi," Boba suggested. So following his advice, I did just that.

Outside, the Gamorrean guards did something to the space slug that made it bellow in pain. Before I was able to look around to see what was happening, our transport was shot into the slug's mouth and quickly attached itself to the inner wall of its throat.

"Wow," I began, "and I thought they smelled bad on the..."

"Yes, yes," Boba interrupted, "I know the joke."

Yikes, with that kind of attitude this was going to be a long trip.

Boba checked the controls and informed me that we were ready to dive. The Exogorth lifted its head and then rapidly thrust itself downward into the sand. As it chewed its way through the top layers, I could see on the control panel how quickly we were making progress. Then we hit bedrock and the slug slowed considerably. The sound of the giant boulders banging into our transport as they made their way down the creature's throat was deafening.

"Noise dampeners engaged!" Boba yelled over the din, and the transport was suddenly engulfed in complete silence. Boba must have noticed me watching the constant stream of rocks moving past us because he volunteered the following information, "The Exogorth sucks the minerals out of the rocks and leaves a trail of poodoo in its wake."

"Interesting," I smirked and stole a glance of Boba, "but when are we going to discuss the giant space slug in the room?"

"What's to discuss?" Boba seemed defensive. "But I would like to know why you felt it was okay to offer my ship to that boy and Wookiee?"

"I am sorry about that. But Kilgore was getting away and they needed to free the Wookiee prisoners. Besides, I didn't think you'd mind because of the condition you were in."

"You mean, blown to bits?!" Boba barely raised his voice, but the anger was there regardless.

"Well Boba, we were trapped in a bubble force field together and you had a bomb strapped to your back. I did the best I could."

Boba stared down at the controls, refusing to look at me. "But you left me with Stormtroopers!"

"All of us had to keep moving, and it was the only way to save your life. They seem to have taken good care of you."

Now Boba raised his head and looked at me. "You have no idea, Kenobi. They replaced all my limbs with synthetic ones. They also built me this suit, which keeps me alive. I'll never again be able to take it off."

Yet another pathetic life form I'm responsible for putting in a life suit. "I'm sorry, Boba. It's amazing that you even survived."

"Well I did, thanks to the Empire. But now I'm forever indebted to Darth Vader, and will be his lapdog until the end of my days."

I shook my head, "I'm sorry for that. It wasn't my intention to have you..."

"No," he hesitated, "Ben, I am sorry. I was weak minded and Kilgore made me do things I never would have done under normal circumstances. Well, not without the right amount of credits involved. I can't explain how violated I felt."

"If you remember," I smiled at him, "I once tried the Jedi mind trick on you and it didn't work. So you are not weak minded, it's that Kilgore was just too strong."

"I killed that bastard for what he did to my father, and to me."

"I know, Boba. I saw the whole thing go down. I was watching from off in the distance. So," now I was getting into the nitty gritty, "how do you feel since you got your revenge?"

"It felt empowering...at first. Now I feel this empty void in my life that I can't seem to fill."

"Really?" There was still hope for Boba.

"Just kidding! I feel friggin amazing!"

"Alrighty then," I said, shaking my head.

"There is good news," Boba said. "I'm fairly certain I know where the boy and Wookiee are."

"How could you know that?!" I suddenly felt as giddy as a youngling training with Master Yoda (before Anakin slaughtered them all).

"What?" Boba chuckled. "You don't think I can track my own ship?"

"So where are they?"

Boba paused for a moment, possibly for dramatic effect, but I felt like he was just being a jerk. "They have been making covert trips to the surface of Kashyyyk."

"They're liberating Wookiee slaves!"

"Yeah, I don't really care. I just want the Slave I back."

"I tell you what you magnificent bastard, as soon as we're able to find Owen Lars, you contact your ship and I'll request for them to return it as soon as ASAP! How's that sound, champ?"

At first Boba seemed to ignore me, then he finally said in a completely monotone voice, "Sure."

We continued to burrow through the planet for several hours, chitchatting on and off, but never discussing anything more profound than we already had. Then the space slug broke the surface and we came crashing down on the other side of Tatooine.

"We made it," Boba informed me. "Listen, this might not actually be what..."

Muted explosions came from outside of the slug. The creature began shrieking and flailing about as if in overwhelming pain. Boba quickly punched a button in the center of the console.

"What does that do?" I asked.

"That releases the smoke that will cause the Exogorth to sneeze us out."

"Ingenius." I was honestly impressed.

"Isn't it though?" But it didn't work. Apparently whatever was attacking the slug had killed it, thus no sneezing reflex.

We blew open the hatch and I was immediately overpowered by the smell of smoke and Exogorth innards. "I suppose your helmet filters out the noxious fumes?"

"Yup," Boba chuckled.

Jerk.

We dropped out of the transport and slid down the slimy, mucus lined throat. My robe became drenched with a reddish green sludge that smelled like a Gungan's rotting corpse.

Turning to Boba Fett I stated, "I guess there's only one way out." I drew my saber and plunged it into the slug's inner lining of its throat. What I could only imagine was blood exploded into my face. Boba took out Mace Windu's old saber and joined me in the carnage.

"You know," I said, "you're really missing out."

"On what?"

"On the wonderful smells we've discovered," I laughed in an attempt to not vomit. "Smoke, guts, blood, and now burning flesh! It's a virtual potpourri of filth. Makes me want to cut my nose off!"

Just as I said that, we broke through the outer layer of skin. Ripping ourselves out of the creature's flesh, and covered in goo, it must have appeared that the space slug was giving birth to us. And as I wiped the smegma from my eyes and noticed the thousands of Tuskens that surrounded us, I wondered if they too found it amusing that the Exogorth had just given birth to us.

Tatooine - Day 1,175 (Part II):

Boba Fett and I stood outside the massively dead space slug. We were drenched in its bodily fluids and surrounded by thousands of Tusken Raiders.

"Umm...," Boba turned to me, "I think we're screwed."

These Tuskens were different. Instead of the traditional drab sand colored wraps and robes, these warriors wore all red, blood red, and in place of gaffi sticks they held something that looked more like a pickaxe. I replied to Boba, "I've never seen so many sand people gathered in one place before, and wearing such colorful garments."

"Sand people?!" Boba seemed shocked. "Wow, you really are a racist bastard!"

"What?!"

"First off," Boba started, "they're Tuskens, not sand people. Secondly, they don't even live in the desert, they are cavern dwellers. This is the Mor'du tribe."

"Well excuuuuse me," I said, feeling more annoyed than I should have.

The ocean of Tuskens parted and in the middle stood a large imposing figure. A female Tusken, taller than all the men, slowly made her way towards us. At her feet was a massiff, a reptilian dog type creature with razor sharp fangs and the temperament of a miniature rancor. Her mask was a solid piece of bronze with an eye slit, and chained ornaments dangled from the neck. She was obviously their chief, which went against all the other tribes' patriarchy system.

Without getting too close to us, she stopped and made a clicking noise at the massiff. The four legged creature came up to us and circled our feet, rubbing its armored spiked hide against our legs. Circling twice around Boba, the massiff lifted its leg and relieved himself on Boba's foot. The acidic urine started to melt away the outer layer of his boot. "Hey!" Boba yelled, shaking off the excess piss.

The chief yelled something in her guttural tongue, and thousands of Tuskens cheered in unison raising their long pickaxe weapons.

"You think they're deciding how to cook us?" I half kiddingly remarked.

"Shut up, Kenobi."

The tall female chief barked orders at a couple of her men, who immediately ran up to us and removed our weapons. They confiscated my lightsaber and Boba's lightsaber and blaster, however they seemed to be unaware that Boba's Fett's suit was one big weapon. Our hands were tied behind our backs with rope, and they started pushing us towards the caverns opening.

We were paraded past scores of warriors who yelled, what I can only assume were obscenities, at us in their grotesque sounding language. That's when I noticed a pit behind a row of Tuskens. As we got closer I could see that it was filled with at least a dozen of their dead. Many of the limbs were severed and placed beside the bodies. I took note of this bizarre scene. Another Tusken stood above the pit with a torch in his hand.

A few warriors along with the chief and her massiff led us through a small opening into the cavern, which quickly opened up into an enormous foyer. There were stairs and other tunnels leading out of this main room. I was surprised to see that the rock walls were the same color red as the Tusken's garments. Families of Tuskens gathered in the main entry way grilling animal carcasses and socializing. Hundreds of mammoth moth-like creatures flew around towards the top of the cavern. As they flapped, their wings glowed brightly, which put out enough light to keep the caverns lit in a beautiful yellow hue.

The chief continued to escort us down a corridor just off the main room. It was slightly darker and sloped downward. When we reached the end, I noticed holding cells carved out of the stone, with bars made from animal bones tied together. I gave Boba a "WTF?" look and he shrugged in response.

The warriors threw us into separate cells across from each other, and then stood guard at the entrance way. The chief looked me up and down through the bone bars and made some animal grunting noises at me before leaving the area.

With only two Tuskens standing guard, who obviously did not understand a word of basic, Boba Fett started laughing.

"What is it?" I asked.

Taking a moment to gather his composure, Boba said, "Do they really think these cells can hold us?"

"I don't think that's the point."

"So what is the point, Kenobi?"

I refused to play Boba's game any longer. "We're not going to find Owen and Luke here, are we?"

Boba grew quiet for a moment, then gave the bone bars a slight kick with his foot. "What makes you say that?"

"Alright," I was getting mad now, "you want to play the part of a stupid clone, go right ahead. You saw the Tusken bodies outside?" I didn't wait for an answer. "They had wounds that could only have been made by a lightsaber. Meaning, Jabba sent us down here so that I would kill Maul for him."

"It wasn't my idea." Boba sounded pathetic. "The Empire hired Jabba to take care of Maul. But the funny thing was, Jabba was already planning on taking him out. I guess a few years back Maul killed some of his family and forced him to get involved in a war on Mandalore."

"Yes, I'm aware of all that." My thoughts wandered to Duchess Satine. What a babe she was, and totally into my whole Jedi thing. That is until Maul killed her right in front of me. My longing turned into a surge of guilt remembering that Beru was on Takodana about to have our love child. So many confusing emotions. The life of a Jedi really sucked ass sometimes.

Then I heard an all too familiar voice coming from down the corridor. "What a pleasant surprise, a caged Jedi and his Mandalorian dog."

There was the click-clacking of boots being weighed down by metallic feet, coming closer and closer. Click-clack, click-clack, click-clack, then silence. My heart was racing.

The horns were the first thing to enter my line of sight. Red and black skin was next. Finally, Maul, my greatest arch nemesis stood before me.

"Kenobi," he smiled, then lunged his lightsaber into my cage.

TATOOINE - Day 1,175 (Part III):

The primitive cage door made out of bones melted away against the heat from Maul's lightsaber. He poked at me, just barely touching my chest with the tip of his red blade. Again and again, my skin sizzled, the smell of burning flesh making me gag.

"Long time no see, Kenobi," Maul snarled at me.

"Just kill me quick, Maul. I'm not in the mood for your crap."

"You're not still sore about your lovely Duchess, are you?" He mocked me.

"Don't you dare speak of her, you horned headed dick!"

I longed to kill this man.

"Now, now, Kenobi, let's not stoop to name calling. Besides," he grinned, exposing his corroded teeth, "I was merely holding you to your Jedi code of not forming attachments."

"Ah yes," I smiled back at him, "kind of like when I made sure you were no longer attached to your legs?"

"I can't blame you for that. I had just destroyed your Master, and you let your hate flow. You embraced the dark side in order to defeat me."

"I did no such thing. I was simply the superior dueler."

"Regardless," Maul said, stepping back out of my cell. "Walk with me." He then addressed the two Tuskens who had been standing guard over Boba and I. "If this bounty hunter clone moves, kill him."

I walked beside Maul as he led me down a long corridor of the cavern. "So where is Savage?" I asked.

Hatred filled his eyes. "Palpatine murdered my brother."

"That's a shame," I said, pausing for a moment as Maul looked surprised. "I was hoping to kill him myself."

He gave me a halfhearted laugh. "I never tire of your wit, Kenobi."

We walked in silence for a few moments, when I finally asked, "Did you really think that you and Mace Windu could defeat Darth Vader?"

"You were there, watching us?" He didn't wait for my answer. "I sensed something familiar, but I never would have guessed it was you. You know who this Vader person is, don't you?"

"All I know is that he's stronger than you. Were you hoping to destroy him and take your rightful place as Palpatine's lapdog?"

"Watch your tongue, Jedi!" He placed his hand on his saber. "The plan was to kill Vader, then Palpatine, and then Windu."

In the winding corridors we passed several Tuskens, they all bowed their heads to Maul. "So is this your plan now?" I asked.

"What's that, Kenobi?"

"To become king of the cave dwelling Tuskens," I snickered.

"Hardly. I was about to leave this dreadful planet. I found what I was looking for."

"Me?" I joked.

"Ha!" Maul's laugh seemed genuine. "In these caverns I found a long hidden piece to the puzzle that will lead me to an ancient Sith Temple."

"Sounds exciting."

"Enough talk, we're here." Maul stopped in his tracks.

We stood in a large open area of the caverns. The only objects were enormous stalactites and stalagmites scattered throughout. "I believe this is yours," Maul said to me, holding my lightsaber in his open palm.

Without missing a beat I Force pulled my saber to me and ignited it. Bringing the blade down, Maul ignited his and blocked it. He kicked me in the chest, the power from his artificial legs sent me flying back until I smashed into a stalagmite.

I was shaking off my injuries and starting to stand as he pounced on me, twirling his double bladed saber. I dodged his lunges, falling back in the process. While I was on the ground he stole the opportunity to kick me in the jaw. My head swam and I saw stars, so many stars that I was practically leaping into hyperspace without the benefit of a ship. I used the Force to loosen the stalagmites above, and as they dropped I back flipped out of the way. Maul was quick enough to turn and slice through all the rocks, creating clouds of dust.

My chest throbbed. He had kicked me in the same location of the saber wounds that he inflicted on me earlier. Feeling that I was already at a disadvantage, I quickly moved to stay on top on him. Maul had turned into a fighting machine. His powerful metallic legs and the speed at which he spun his blade overwhelmed me. Then my Jedi senses began to tingle.

Behind my back, Maul was using the Force to levitate Windu's purple lightsaber to come at me. It flew all around, thrusting at me, while Maul did the same. I hadn't fought so many sabers at once since I was forced to teach General Grievous the lesson that it wasn't nice to play with sharp objects.

"As you can no doubt see, my powers have greatly increased since our last meeting." Maul gloated.

I was going to have to kill this jerk. There was no way Luke and I could stay on Tatooine if Maul knew I was here. Part of me was relieved. If I couldn't destroy him I could finally leave this wasteland. And this time I would pick the planet, not Yoda. No more sand in all my crevices and twin suns that made my skin age twice as fast. Maybe I'd take Luke to Alderaan, like I had considered in the past. I could train him in the isolated mountains on the opposite side of the planet from Bail Organa. Luke and Leia could occasionally visit each other. Maybe one day their combined abilities would be so powerful that they could destroy Palpatine and Vader.

Finding myself lost in thought, I did not immediately notice Maul's fist coming at me. But I was able to duck and catch his hand in mine. I crushed it, breaking several of his bones, but in the process I had dropped my saber. So with my other hand I knocked his saber down. I grabbed his throat and tried to choke the life out of him. He gripped my throat rather firmly with his intact hand.

"I'm going to have to kill you now," I struggled to get the words out.

"That's...not...Jedi...way..." Maul said hoarsely.

"There are no more Jedi!" I smiled at him and felt his windpipe being crushed beneath my fingers, as his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

"Kenobi! Get down!"

The voice was coming from behind me. I turned just in time to see Boba Fett leaning forward and launching his back missile at us. I had enough time to think, "No, you idiot!" before the cavern caved in on us.

When the debris settled and I realized that I was still alive, I was unable to find my lightsaber. And even though I could not see Maul through the wall of rocks that lay between us, I could feel my one hand was still touching his neck. He was breathing, but I didn't have the leverage to continue to strangle him. Besides, I heard Boba making his way through the rubble, and in a few seconds I would be rescued. So I touched Maul's face, and instead of a mind trick I performed more of a meld with his mind. I didn't care if it came from a different franchise.

Becoming one with his thoughts, I simply conveyed the message "Forget me." Hopefully this would work.

Boba found my saber as well as Windu's old one, and made quick work of the boulders, slicing through them like space butter. Grabbing my hand, he helped me up.

"We need to get out of here quick before Maul sees me!" I said, taking my lightsaber back.

Some of the corridors were partially collapsed, and unfortunately I found the corpse of Mor'du's female chief among the wreckage. A few Tuskens saw us standing over their leader's body and shrieked out some kind of battle cry.

Now Boba and I ran towards the exit of the caverns, as pickaxe spears flew at us from all angles. We made it as far as the foyer, but were met by a wall of Tuskens. Boba's quick thinking cleared the area with his flame thrower. Once outside we were being chased by hundreds of Tuskens who all seemed to have an unlimited amount of spears to throw at us.

From behind the giant space slug came our saving grace, the Slave I! It hovered a bit, then opened its hatch. I jumped as Boba jet packed his way to the ship. We were now safely aboard the ship, as spears continued to bounce off its hull.

"Took you long enough, old timer," Han Solo said with a smirk.

"How did you find us?" I asked.

"Jabba the Hu..." Han started, but Boba Fett suddenly pushed past him and stormed up to the cockpit.

"Move! I got this!" He screamed at Chewie, who refused to budge.

TATOOINE - Day 1,185:

It's been ten days since I slapped around Maul like the punk he is. And seeing that he hasn't kicked down my door yet, I can assume that he somehow got past the Empire's blockade. He left Tatooine behind in search of his mysterious Sith Temple. Before he left, I planted a suggestion in his mind that he should forget about seeing me on this planet. Hopefully I was persuasive enough that he'll remember to keep forgetting me.

It was good to have Chewie and Han back. Watching them interact with each other brought new life to my dismal hut. Han was beginning to pick up on the Shyriiwook language, especially when Chewie was mad or being a smart ass. Han would occasionally curse Chewbacca out in Chewie's native tongue, and the Wookiee would laugh so hard blue milk would shoot out of his nose.

While I was recuperating in a bacta tank, Han and Chewie were racing around the galaxy in Slave I, liberating Wookiees. Since Boba Fett's ship had a cloaking device they were able to covertly land on Kashyyyk and extract a ship's worth of Wookiees, several times a day.

"It was a real bummer, man," Chewie said. "When the Empire invaded Kashyyyk, they immediately split up families. Parents didn't know where their children were, or if they were even still alive. Husbands and wives were broken up. It was heartbreaking, man."

"How tragic," was all I could think to say.

"No shit, old timer," Han chimed in. "As far as we could tell the men were put to hard labor, the women were made into servants, and the kids..."

"Dude!" Chewie interrupted. "Ben, it was so crazy. We saw evidence that the Empire had Stormtroopers training the kids in combat!"

"To what end?" I queried.

"We don't know, for sure," Han volunteered.

"But hey man, it's my belief that the little dudes were being groomed to be some kind of Stormtrooper super soldiers! Can you imagine full grown Wookiees as Stormtroopers?!"

"Frig that," I said, without hesitation.

"It's a sad state," Chewie began, "when you have to rescue a species from their own planet."

"I hear ya, big guy. So what happened, why'd you stop?"

Chewie and Han looked at each other. "They caught on to us, man," Chewie hung his head. "On the last pickup of the day we got ambushed. No one made it to the ship alive. If it weren't for Han's mad piloting skills, we'd be dead as well."

So they came back to Tatooine, deciding to make it their home base, and to spend some time plotting their next move. They needed a ship, which required credits. They also needed to find Wookiees in need of rescuing. The spice mines of Kessel were mentioned on more than one occasion.

The three of us fell right back into our old routine. During the day, Chewie and Han would gamble in Mos Eisley and try to uncover new leads. At night while the fourteen year old Han Solo slept, Chewie and I sat around the campfire exchanging war stories and ingesting bockta flowers. The only thing we were missing in order to complete our little family was Luke Skywalker.

That bastard Owen snuck off with Luke twenty-two days ago. During the entire time that he had been gone I could sense that Luke was still on Tatooine and was not in any immediate danger. So I needed to be patient, Owen would eventually return Luke to me, or Beru would return and demand Owen give up custody of Luke.

My precious Beru. Somewhere on Takodana, she was staying with her twin sister, waiting to give birth to our love child. In about two-hundred days I would be a father. My life would change forever. When Beru returned with our baby, the three of us would take Luke and flee this sandy colon of a planet once and for all. As long as we avoided any imperial entanglements, the galaxy would be our playground. My child along with the son of Anakin Skywalker would grow up together learning the ways of the Force.

The pounding on my hut door startled us all awake. Chewie, who was laying comfortably in the hammock covered his eyes with his ginormous and hairy arm. He was not interested in who was at the door. I started to rise out of my bed, my joints cracking in unison, but young Han was already at the door.

"Who the hell are you?" Han asked as pleasantly as he could. There was a moment of silence, then he yelled, "Luke!"

I bolted for the door and Chewie fell out of the hammock. There, standing in the doorway was Owen Lars and Luke Skywalker.

"Chewie!" Luke screamed and pushed right past me. The little shit.

"So Owen, you've finally come to your senses?" I said, staring him down.

In the background I could hear Luke wrestling with Chewie. The boy was climbing all over the giant Wookiee, ripping out tufts of hair with his four year old fists.

"Look Kenobi, I don't want to fight," Owen confessed.

Sure Lars, because we'd all kick your ass!

"I'm sorry I took the boy. I only wanted to get my wife back."

I leveled with Owen, "As you can see, and as I have told you before, Beru left me as well."

"Yes," Owen began weeping, "I guess I should have listened to you."

"Where the hell were you hiding, anyway?" I needed to know.

"We lived under the protection of Jabba the Hutt."

"That slug of a bitch! He lied to me!" I turned to Chewie and Han in order to elicit their support. "He lied to me, twice! A double freaking lie!"

"Well, I don't know nothing about that," Owen said, still standing in the doorway, not sure if he should enter or not. "But now I owe that swindler half of my water produce every month."

"Cry me a river, Lars!" And with that I used the Force to slam the door in his face.

There was a slight knock. "What?!" I demanded, throwing the door open.

Owen asked sheepishly, "So, are we square?"

"Yes," I huffed, "whatever. Just stay the hell away from us, from now on."

"Ok, sur..." Owen began, but had to finish his conversation to my closed door.

TATOOINE - Day 1,385:

I have never been happier in my life. I guess I should be feeling crappy because it's been less than five years since most of my fellow Jedi were slaughtered in cold blood. But screw it, I think I deserve some form of happiness after all the sacrifices I've made. For the last two hundred days, Chewie, Han, Luke, and myself, have been living in my hut as one big happy family. Considering that this gig started with me living alone and keeping an eye on Luke from afar, it has now turned into my own personal paradise. I have an adult companion, and we have two surrogate sons. I've taken over the traditional father role, whereas Chewie acts more like the mother, which would explain Chewie's occasional friskiness. Most importantly, there has been no drama, no Sith, no Maul, no rogue Jedi, no bounty hunters, no jealous husbands, no Hutts, no Tuskens, basically we've made it through two-thirds of a year without anyone trying to kill us. Amazing!

On top of all this, Beru should have given birth to our beloved love child by now, or will be shortly. I'm anxious to hear from her, or her twin sister, to find out when she'll be returning from Takodana with our child. Chewbacca and I will need to build a bigger hut, what with three adults, a fourteen and four year old, plus a new born, all living together. On the other hand, there is nothing chaining us to Tatooine any longer.

Chewie and I sat outside, enjoying the abnormally mild weather, as Han and Luke wrestled in the sand. I loved watching those two play. They fought just like real brothers, but deep down there was a greater understanding between the two. Han being ten years older than Luke would tailor his playing style to accommodate the younger boy. Luke who didn't want to be treated like a "baby" would use the Force to gain an edge against his older buddy.

All was right with the world, until I noticed a landspeeder making its way over the dunes towards us. "Boys, get inside!" I instructed.

"Oh, man," Chewie said, "I'm not in the mood for any shit today."

"Me neither," I chuckled.

Chewie stood up and stretched, showing off his awesome size to the approaching visitor. After seeing the mighty Wookiee, I half expected the guy to turn his speeder around and head in the other direction. But unfortunately, he didn't. As the human male parked, he grabbed something from off the passenger seat, Chewie reacted by lifting his bowcaster.

"I come in peace," the young man said. The guy had to be in his late teens. He was covered in dust from head to toe, and by the idiotic expression on his face I could tell that he was dumb as a mynock. "There's a message for the big guy." He handed Chewie a data pad.

Looking it over, Chewie responded with "Cool beans." Then handed the data pad back to the messenger.

"And I have one here for a Bud."

The three of us stood there staring at each for several seconds.

"Did you mean Ben?" I asked.

"Ah yes," the messenger continued to stand there completely dumbfounded.

"Well, that's me," I prompted the moron.

The words on the data pad said this: "B. will be arriving today in Mos Eisley. Bring the boy." Pushing the pad into the messenger's chest, I grabbed his face and kissed him full on the mouth. The guy turned red, stumbled back to the speeder and took off.

"Good news, man?" Chewie asked.

"Beru is coming back today!" I shrieked. I was giddy as a Padawan who had just found his kyber crystal.

"Awesome, dude!" Chewie gave me a larger than life space bear hug, lifting me off the ground and nearly crushing my ribs.

"Thanks...old...friend," I managed to squeeze out as I tapped his shoulder signaling him to put me down. "What was your news?" I asked, arching my torso, attempting to bend myself back into shape.

"Oh, there's a high stakes game of Sabacc happening tonight on Coruscant. A dude named Lando something-or-other, is playing and he apparently has some information on the whereabouts of several Wookiee slaves."

I patted Chewie on the arm because I couldn't reach his shoulder, "Well, that's great news for both of us."

"The only thing is," Chewie began, "I have no idea how to play Sabacc."

"Ah...but I do!" Han peeked his head out of the huts window.

"Hold on little dude, the cost to get into the game is the ship you arrive in!"

"No worries fuzzball, I kick ass at Sabacc. There's no way we could lose our ship."

Chewie and Han had spent some time working odd jobs, repairing moisture vaporators and the like. They would then take their earnings and gamble until they made double or even triple what they had started with. This is how they were able to purchase their own ship. It was nothing to look at, just a simple transport, but it had a hyperdrive and some kick ass weaponry and shields, all customized by Chewbacca himself.

As Han and Chewie gathered their gear, I spoke with Luke, "We're all going into town. The guys are headed off on a mission and we have a special visitor arriving."

"Who? WHO?!" Luke was bouncing up and down in excitement. We never received visitors, especially ones that weren't trying to kill us.

"Patience, young Skywalker, patience. It wouldn't be a surprised if I went ahead and told you, now would it?"

With his head hung low, Luke kicked a rock and mumbled some kind of affirmation.

The four of us rode in silence on our way to Mos Eisley. A foreboding tension filled the air that none of us could put our fingers on, or bring to words. Even our resident smartass, Han Solo, seemed affected by it and was silent. I couldn't help but feel that something beautiful was coming to an end, that the four of us might be forced to go our separate ways forever.

As Chewie prepped the ship for takeoff, Han, Luke and myself said our goodbyes. "I'm quite proud of you, Master Solo," I said, to his chagrin. "You've come very far since your days of being a common thief and a hoodlum."

"Thanks, old timer," Han chuckled. "I'm sure there's a compliment in there somewhere. I'm going to miss you too, I guess."

Luke was tugging impatiently on Han's vest. "Alright, alright, kid," Han said, kneeling down to be at eye level. "What, you gonna miss me?"

Then something happened that I had never witnessed before with Luke. It seemed as if he was in some kind of trance, and spoke quietly and with great care. I could barely make out what he was conveying to Han.

"You're going to suffer a bad head injury, but don't worry you will recover. It will cause you to forget about Ben and I, and your time here on Tatooine. All that will matter is your friendship with Chewbacca. However, do not fear, you will be seeing us again in the future."

Han had a completely baffled look on his face. As he stood he rubbed his head where an injury that had not happened yet, may someday be. "Ooookay, kid. That wasn't creepy."

Just then Chewie announced that it was time to go. "Goodbye old friend," I said, giving him a hug. "Thank you for everything."

"Right back at you, you righteous dude." Just as Chewie finished his sentence, Luke had scaled up him, all the way to his shoulders. The Wookiee didn't seem to mind that the young boy had ripped out handfuls of fur on his way up.

"I love you, Chewie!" Luke exclaimed.

"I love you too, man." Chewie started to choke up. "Aw shit, I promised myself I wouldn't cry."

With little fanfare, but much emotion, Chewie and Han boarded their ship and were out of our lives, for the time being.

Luke and I spent quite a while walking from docking bay to docking bay, trying to locate Beru. She had not provided me any information about when she was landing or what connecting ship she would be catching. So we continued to search, until I found a clue. It was the biggest and dumbest clue I could find, but it served the purpose of letting me know that we were finally at the right place. There in a crowd of people outside of docking bay 94, stood Owen Lars. That big asshole! Why would Beru invite that jerk?! He noticed me peering at him, so he gave me a slight nod, as I fought back the urge to fling my lightsaber at him.

"Ben?!" Luke whined. "I'm sick of waiting. I want to know what my surprise...AUNT BERU!!!"

Luke ran off, and was hugging the love of my life before I had even noticed, or sensed, her. All I could see was the top of her head, leaning over Luke, but I could immediately tell that something was off. As she stood and I looked into her eyes I knew she wasn't Beru. I mean, she was Beru, but she wasn't at the same time. That's when I realized that this woman was in fact Beru's twin sister. The real Beru was nowhere in sight, and neither was my baby. I looked over at Owen and he was smiling like the goofy bastard he was. It was apparent that neither Owen nor Luke realized she wasn't Beru.

So this imposter smiled broadly and waved to Owen, then gave him a 'just a moment' hand gesture. Beru's twin sister (I didn't even know her name) walked up to me completely expressionless and still holding Luke's hand and discreetly handed me a folded up piece of paper. "This is for you," were the only words she said to me. Then she walked back to Owen, still holding Luke's hand, and the three of them left without another word.

Fuck.

I waited until I got back to my hut before I unfolded the piece of paper that apparently held all the answers to my questions. The letter said:

"My Dearest Ben,

I just wanted to begin by telling you how much I love you, and how honored I am to have given birth to our child. The time we spent together was magical. However, your being a...the man you are, has always brought excitement, adventure, and extreme danger to your front door. For you, this is unavoidable. You have expressed to me time and time again just how important Luke's safety is. I can only assume that our child would be of equal importance. Because of this, I have decided to take our child and go into hiding until the time is right. You need not know whether I had a boy or a girl, or where we will be living. The less you know the better. Search your feelings Ben, and you'll know this to be true. We can't do anything that will draw attention to us, that includes being together. For the safety of our child we must go back to your original plan. My sister, posing as me, will raise Luke with Owen, and you will watch over Luke as you were always meant to. My sister is tougher than me, and will not take any of Owen's shit. Since Owen never bothered to really get to know me, it is highly unlikely that he will even notice that I've been replaced. Plus, 'Beru' will make a wonderful mother. Ben, I'm so sorry that I didn't inform you of these plans sooner, but it was all done for the safety of our child. Please don't risk trying to find us. Maybe someday, the three of us will be reunited. Until then, may the Force be with you.

Love Always,

B."

I tossed the letter into the fire. What a piece of shit my life was. I sacrificed everything and I still couldn't catch a break. If I didn't have the future of the galaxy in my own hands, I wouldn't think twice about falling on my saber. So instead, I took a walk.

I walked aimlessly for hours until I found myself on the highest dune staring out at setting suns. What was the point of the last four and a half years? Sure I kept Luke alive, but is that all I'm meant to be, a glorified body guard?

"It's difficult because you're going against your training," a disembodied voice said.

I turned around and saw the Force ghost of Qui-Gon Jinn. For a moment I fantasized that he took a solid form so I could break his jaw for getting me involved in all this.

"What do you mean that I'm going against my training?" Part of me didn't care what he had to say.

"From the time that you were a youngling..."

"When you stole me away from my parents?" I interrupted.

Qui-Gon continued, completely ignoring my sarcasm, "You were trained to concentrate on the moment."

"And?" I was not in the mood for a lecture.

"With this mission," Qui-Gon stated, "you need to concentrate on the FUTURE. Therefore, you are at odds with your own beliefs."

"Yeah," I began, "I can understand your logic, but presently, I just don't give a shit."

The rude bastard had disappeared before I finished my sentence. Jeez, I'm really starting to hate this Jedi crap.

With no other options, I began my long walk back to my hut. Before long I ran into an ocean of red. It was the Tuskens from the Mor'du tribe, the cavern dwellers. From their hostile overtones I could only assume that they blamed me for their chiefs death. They were there to kill me.

I drew my saber.

Just a typical day...

TATOOINE - Day 1,520:

I am alone. No, strike that. I am utterly alone.

Sorry, it's been so long since I wrote in this dang journal, or even spoke to another life form, that I'm having a hard time forming a decent sentence. I figured, what was the point of keeping a journal when there is absolutely nothing happening in my life? But today marks my fifth year stuck on this litter box of a planet, so that's something...I guess.

I've gone back to watching Luke from a distance. I miss that little shit. I miss living with him, teaching him, laughing with him, at times he really felt like he was my son and not Anakin's. What truly breaks my heart is that he's going to barely remember the time we spent together, and if his uncle has his way Luke will only think of me as some crazy old hermit. It's also terribly disheartening to see Beru's twin sister interacting with Luke. I know that it's not Beru, but I so desperately want it to be her. I want to march onto the Lars homestead, slice Owen in half, pee on his corpse, grab Beru and Luke, and leave Tatooine forever. But it's too late for that. I had my chance and I fucked it up.

Presently, the real Beru is with my six month old son or daughter, hiding from the galaxy, and me. Somehow my staying away is keeping them safe. I would prefer to protect them in person. Every day I imagine being with Beru and my child, living as a family, even adopting Luke as our son. But that's not what Beru wants. Will I ever see them? Will my child grow strong with the Force and seek me out? I don't know, I can only dream.

So I'm back to where I started, on Tatooine for the long haul. A washed up Jedi. My thoughts are my only real possessions. As Qui-Gon had said, I'm "living for the future," but it's at the expense of the moment. This goes against everything the Jedi brainwashed me into believing. I'm a contradiction, a hypocrite of the greatest magnitude. As a result, I've grown to despise myself, and Qui-Gon for that matter. I've learned to block my former Master from contacting me. I don't want to hear any of his rhetoric. All I want to hear from him is something he would never say, that I'm free to go. If Qui-Gon handed me the keys to my sandy prison I would be a new man, and all would be forgiven. Alas, that will never happen.

Some good news, the mighty Chewbacca and Han Solo have been on the tongues of some of the seedier residents of Mos Eisley. With their new ship, the Millennium-something, they have become quite the infamous Wookiee liberators and occasional smugglers. I'm proud of my comrades and miss them immensely.

The only excitement in my life is when the Mor'du tribe tracks me down and attempts to assassinate me. These Tuskens are relentless. There are hundreds of thousands of them living in enormous caverns on the other side of the planet. They are not sand people, and do not like to be exposed to the elements. However, they still trek halfway across Tatooine's surface, on foot, just for the glory of killing me. This is all because one member of the tribe saw me standing over the body of their deceased leader. One thing led to another and boom, I'm public enemy number one!

So I continue on, trying to remain sane. Knowing that in this whacked out galaxy filled with all kinds of monsters and weirdos, I am alone. I chose to be alone for the greater good. I guess that makes me a martyr. To that I say, no fucking thank you!

The Jedi may be all but extinct, but the Force will carry on through future generations. They may not receive the training, or dogma, of the Jedi Knights, but they will teach themselves to harness the power of the Force. They will fight for what's good and what's right in the galaxy, and eventually they will overthrow this evil Empire. And to them I say, may the Force be with you.

###

About the author:

Bill May was raised by a gaggle of Ewoks on the forest moon of Endor. All was well until one day when he walked into a swinging log trap. Since that day he has been able to channel the Force ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi. Although he considers it more of a curse than a privilege, he feels compelled to document the dead Jedi's thoughts and feelings. Now, wherever he goes, whether it be the Endor moon mall, the Endor moon cineplex, or even the Endor moon skating rink, he runs the risk of being possessed by "Old Ben" and spewing out some famous words of wisdom. "You have taken your first step, blah, blah, blah," you get the point.

(This project started out as a simple spoof posted on _Obi-Wan's Oasis_ on Facebook and Tumblr. As the entries became longer and the storylines more complex it slowly evolved into a weekly blog, and the readership began to grow. For over a year this project has been a labor of love, and I wanted to thank all those who supported me over that period of time. This ebook is a compilation of all of Obi-Wan's journal entries, plus two new ones that are exclusive to this book.)

Bill is currently holed up somewhere writing the great American superhero novel.

Learn more at:

<http://www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com/>
