 
### Pornography in Our Marriage

### Ten Latter-day Saint Women

### Share Their Faith

### Published by Ten Latter-day Saint Women at Smashwords

### Copyright 2012 Ten LDS Women

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### Table of Contents

Grace

Leisl

Christine

Jane

Sophia

Abbie

Katelyn

Emily

Rachel

Lily

For Those Who Struggle

For Those Who Want to Help

Resource List

Grace

From the moment I met my husband, I liked him. We are a great match in so many ways. We were both raised in strong LDS families. He served a mission. We were married in the temple.

During the first year of marriage, things seemed perfect...almost everything. My husband and I were totally in love with each other and got along really well. Intimacy was the biggest adjustment, but we enjoyed it. I attributed the differences between us to being man/woman differences instead of differences between a spouse addicted to pornography and one who was not. Those are still hard for me to distinguish.

The other difficulty was a spiritual weakness. I felt distanced from the Spirit and I was a little sad about it, but I thought it was my fault for neglecting my spirituality. When I was single, I had spent a lot of time in the scriptures and praying. After meeting my husband, I spent most of my time with him and neglected my relationship with Heavenly Father a little bit. But every day in my prayers I thanked Him for my husband and for our happy marriage. We actively participated at church, prayed together as a couple most nights, and had short but regular scripture study (individually but simultaneously). Still, I wished we did more together in terms of spiritual fortification. It just seemed half-hearted sometimes. Prayers were brief. I tried not to be too judgmental of my husband. In some areas he had higher standards than I did, and just because his approach to nourishing his spirit did not exactly meet my expectations, that did not mean it was necessarily wrong.

One day I felt down. I missed the close companionship of the Holy Ghost that I had previously been used to and I wondered if I would ever have it again. I mentioned this to my husband, hesitantly, because I did not want to offend him. I told him that I was so happy being married to him but that my spirit felt weak, that I just had a harder time feeling good, and I hoped he would help me recommit to daily spiritual nourishment. My husband looked so sad, the saddest I had ever seen him. He said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, it's not your fault." Confused, I tried to get more of an explanation from him but he was not in the mood for conversation. It was so strange. I did not figure it out, but I did not forget it either.

Another time, I came home late from work and found him at the computer. I knew he had been home alone for a few hours and I knew the danger, so I deliberately asked what he had done. The news that he had been on the computer the whole time alarmed me, but I only asked a few questions. Maybe I should have been more straightforward and just asked, "Have you been viewing pornography?" but I did not want to make that awful accusation. Instead, I trusted him to answer my other questions truthfully. Then I warned him to use better judgment and not spend so much time on the computer next time I was gone.

We were married for a year before my husband told me about his pornography addiction. We were spending an evening home together and he could not live with the deception anymore. There was a long prelude of him needing to tell me something but not wanting to. He did not want to hurt me, he wanted me to love him, but he was not good like I thought. I had suspected that something was wrong, but until this conversation I had not guessed it was so bad. My heart broke without knowing any of the specifics when I witnessed my husband's complete despair. He was in torment and I guessed why. I hated thinking it, I hated asking him, "Is it pornography?" but he needed me to ask him.

That is how the whole conversation went: me asking, him telling. I found out that he had viewed pornography via the Internet as a teenager until his parents figured it out and confronted him about it. With their support and the guidance of his bishop, he repented and prepared for a mission which he served faithfully. When we were engaged, the change of circumstance made it more justifiable in his mind, and he started up again. He never did anything worse than view pornography, but it happened more frequently over time. Sometimes he viewed it at home, sometimes at work.

A few realizations hit me during this conversation. The first and most obvious one was that my husband was trapped in a horrible, deadly sin that was destroying him and our marriage. Second, he hated it and he hated himself for viewing it. Third, Satan is more cunning than I ever knew.

Realization 1: Pornography is deadly. For my husband, life felt emptier and the influence of the Spirit grew weaker the further he sank. As much as I suffered throughout this whole thing, I think he suffered more. I was wounded, but my pain was lessened because of my faith. In terms of light, I might say that my world got dimmer whereas my husband's world was black. The devil sent me "his hail and his mighty storm," but they had no power over me to drag me down, at least not all the way down. My husband, on the other hand, was in "the awful gulf of misery and...wo"—there's no better way to describe it (Helaman 5:12).

Realization 2: Sin feeds hatred and self-loathing. Pornography is very repulsive to me so I have a hard time understanding the attraction. My husband did not hate it the way I hated it, but he hated being a slave to it. He was rock bottom, expecting me to leave him, and hopeless of ever being redeemed. I did not think of leaving him—probably because he was repentant—but if I had, I am not sure he would have recovered. He needed my faith; he needed me to believe he could be clean and free again.

Realization 3: Satan is cunning. My husband believed he was defeated. He had no hope. He had forgotten the purpose and power of Christ's Atonement. But he had known it before! How could he forget? Sin made him forget and this has helped me understand Christ's doctrine better. It is not our works that save us; it is our faith and the Savior's grace. But one reason that obedience is so important is because it builds our faith, whereas sin destroys it, even the memory of it.

Along with these lessons that I learned, a miracle happened in me and I was blessed with charity like I had never experienced before. Besides needing my faith, my husband needed my love. He needed someone to love him in spite of his sin. I believe that Heavenly Father never stopped loving my husband but my husband lost his ability to feel that love, so I was blessed to give it in a way that he could accept.

The Lord did bless me, but I do not want to give the wrong impression. In truth, this experience has been awful (not the marriage, but the pornography). I wish it had never happened; we both do. The night my husband made his confessions was difficult and a little surreal. The next day was even harder. We were both working all day and couldn't talk until the evening. All day I was plagued with doubts: Was I wrong to marry him? Should he or someone else have told me what I was getting into? Was I a fool for not realizing what was happening? Did I contribute to the problem? I suppose these kinds of doubts are as normal as they are false and with time, I became certain that none of this was my fault.

The first steps toward repentance and healing were to pray and talk to the bishop. Next, we made a family plan to be pornography-free. Our plan included rearranging furniture, changing computer rules, and being more selective about the movies we watched. Something peculiar I noticed is that having to tell me or a bishop helped my husband see his problem as it really was. So we made a rule that every day he would tell me if he was good or if he had made a mistake. If he forgot to tell me, I would ask.

I have experienced terrible heartache in my marriage, pain that I wish I never had. I do not wish I had not married my husband, I just wish he had chosen differently, resisted temptation, and rejected this sin before it was able to take hold. Us getting married was the best idea. Him giving in to the temptation of pornography was the worst idea. One tricky thing about marriage is that you can only choose for yourself; your spouse is a free agent. There is a lot that you can do to strengthen your marriage, but if both partners are not striving for personal righteousness then it will likely fail. Likewise, the opposite is true. If a couple is faithful and repenting on a daily basis, they will succeed and inherit eternal life together.

Every day I thank Heavenly Father for my husband and for the healing that we have both experienced. I know that there are no limits to the Savior's power except for the limits we place on Him. I do not know how my story will end, but I have high hopes for my marriage being an eternally joyful one.

### * * * *

Leisl

Pornography affects the brain in a manner similar to amphetamines, cocaine, alcohol, cigarettes, abuse, or any other addiction. When the activity is engaged in, a chemical is released that gives the user a high and that becomes highly addictive. Eventually the substance becomes the only thing the user can focus on, forcing employment, healthy extracurricular activities, and loved ones to take a back seat. When the user is not engaging, it's all he can think about, causing resentment and anger towards people and activities demanding time and attention, thus getting in the way. Jobs are lost, marriages are ruined, relationships with children are damaged, families are changed forever, and the Spirit often slips away as the addiction becomes the sole focus of the user's life.

When we wed, I had no idea of the addiction. Time would introduce me to the issue and I later learned it had been a struggle for my husband since his teen years. Pieces of information revealed themselves little by little through the seven years of our marriage, but it wasn't until the relationship was over that I discovered the majority of what had been going on. It suffices me to say it hurt a great deal each time I discovered more. The relationship became verbally, physically, and sexually abusive. Through a sheltered childhood I was never introduced to these subjects and when I found myself a victim of abuse, I could not see it staring me in the face. I wondered why I wasn't enough to compete with masturbation and found myself exhausted in an attempt to somehow fill my husband's need. I often thought I must not be pretty enough to compete with pornography and constantly worked on my appearance. There were attempts to isolate me from friends and family and several incidents of infidelity. We had to move multiple times as a result of his job loss, often due to sexual harassment accusations at work or inappropriate use of company resources.

Pornography led to masturbation which compounded his addiction. The addiction was so severe, it was impossible for my husband to keep a job, be a worthy latter-day saint, or abstain from being abusive to myself and our children. Like most addicts, he was and still is unable to sustain healthy relationships.

Escaping an abusive relationship is extremely difficult. Life can be very lonely and children of divorce need so much. In addition to all that, attempting to establish a career that will provide for a family leaves so little time to focus on personal healing. My main focus was evaluating what I needed to do in order to be in a position to have the life I wanted.

Gravitating toward others in my situation would have been very easy. Instead, I focused on spending time with friends and their families who had healthy marriages. I knew I wanted to marry again, and watching stalwart men with families they loved gave me confidence that President Hinckley was right when he said most people are good people and most marriages are happy. This enabled me to stay positive.

Having a few friends and an available mother for support was incredibly necessary, particularly while being exposed to the court process, which can be overwhelming. For a while I felt better when I talked about the things my ex was doing that I felt upset about. But one fine day I hit a wall and realized that talking about it wasn't helping anymore. I said a good long prayer. That was the day I figured out that my Savior was the only one who could make me feel better. Healing from an abusive relationship had to become a part of my past, as I welcomed in the chance to focus instead on becoming the person I wanted to be. After all, we can only think one thing at a time and I wanted that thought to be worthy of my attention. Changing the habits of what I thought and talked about was tricky, but it all came with a great reward. No longer was I spending my time and efforts thinking about or focusing on him. Instead, I let go and focused on what I wanted out of life and how to get it for myself.

Completing my education, making an extra effort to enjoy my children, attending therapy myself and making it a consistent part of my children's lives, giving myself a regular night out, and having a job I enjoyed were all parts of my effort to make my life what I wanted. Never did I let myself lose sight of the most important thing: remaining worthy for one person I was waiting to find while learning to love myself.

It has been nearly seven years since the dissolution of my first marriage. For four of those years, I have been remarried to a wonderful and worthy man. We were married in the temple after a beautiful courtship. Each day I thank God for sealing such an amazing husband and father to our family and for helping me take the difficult steps to heal to the point that I was ready for him when he came along. I finished my degree and was able to have professional employment for a couple of years before we had more children. Today I enjoy being a stay-at-home mom and wife. Our family has adopted two more children. They too were victims of neglect due to parents having an addiction and God saw in our family a refuge for them. We are blessed to have a safe family and home where all can magnify and develop their spirits and talents and a marriage with the Lord at the helm--offering sanctity and peace for all who enter here.

It is my testimony that the Atonement heals all who are willing to help themselves. I encourage all victims of any type of abuse to seek professional help and then seek healing. Let bad relationships go and let good ones in. Let Him in and become everything you want to be.

* * * *

Christine

Dave and I have known each other "forever." We grew up going to school together. In high school our group of friends merged. We started dating. I came from a strong LDS family of all girls. He came from a large, strong LDS family as well. We dated our senior year of high school. We broke up. We became best friends. I waited for him on his mission. Nine months after he got home we were engaged and three months later we were married.

Of course I had heard of pornography. But I never realized the magnitude of it. I think this partially comes from having all sisters, but also from having a really good group of friends in high school. We were all LDS. We were all involved in seminary. All of the guy friends served missions. We all got married in the temple. So when I heard pornography talks in conference or other church activities, I didn't pay it much mind. It was not impacting my life...or so I thought.

Seven years into our marriage Dave told me one night that he wanted to talk. He held my hands and did all those little things that told me he wanted to tell me something but didn't know how to say it. Finally he just hugged me...and I knew what he was going to say. The words just popped into my head and I know now that it was the Lord preparing me to hear the words that I never in a million years would expect my Husband to say, the words that would punch me in the gut, change my life, and change my relationship with my husband: "I have a problem with porn." And thanks to the Spirit, I already knew. Not because I had ever suspected. As I said, he came from a good LDS family, had served a mission, was active in the church; we had gotten married in the temple, and we had known each other _forever_.

When I get upset I do not have the calmest of demeanors. In fact, he totally expected to be kicked out that night. But I was not mad; I was calm. Over the course of the next few hours he told me everything. We cried together. I had my heart ripped out, stomped on, and handed back to me. We cried over the irony that he was feeling better because he was confessing to me, but that I was feeling horrible _because_ he was confessing to me. I realized that night that there had been a few times that I could have caught him, had I suspected it, but he had lied and I had believed him. I started to question every conversation we had ever had, every moment we had ever spent together. What was truth and what was a lie?

The next day was just as bad. I remember going through the routine but feeling like I was in a bubble, isolated from even my own life. I felt as though I had been living in some alternate reality for the last seven years. I sat down that afternoon and wrote out my feelings to my husband and also a list of questions. That night, after the kids were in bed, we sat down and we talked through my feelings. He listened to my feelings, answered all my questions, and cried with me.

For Dave it had started totally innocently. As a preteen, he was looking at a news magazine that just happened to have a bare-chested woman. From there things escalated, but he did not even realize that he was doing anything wrong till the question of "masturbation" came up a few years later in a bishop-youth fireside. Since that fireside he has been working with every bishop and mission president he has had in an attempt to overcome it. Each bishop, since we have been married, had urged him to tell me. But he never wanted to "drag me into it."

I am lucky that Dave has always had the sincere desire to totally overcome his sin. I know that there are probably far more men who are not that way. I told Dave that night, and have maintained it over the years, that as long as he is working to overcome it, I will support him. Of course that night I had no idea how hard that would really be. With my very limited knowledge of pornography, I thought that it would be enough for him to just say he was done with it and then he would be done. I did not then understand that something that he had been addicted to for over half his life would be very hard to overcome.

We agreed that first night that the next step would be to go and see the bishop together. Although I did not know what to expect, I figured that he would have a magical step by step checklist that once Dave had completed, he would be over it. We left without any magical cure-all formula and to tell you the truth, I felt a bit lost and a tad hopeless. Dave had been trying for so long to overcome this--how was it going to happen?

Dave did really well for a while. Then the first time Dave had a slip up, I felt torn apart again. I could not understand how he could possibly do that knowing that I would know and how much it would hurt me. It took a while for me to understand that it is not about me, it is about an addiction. I thought that it would be as easy as him just deciding to stop and then it would be done and over with.

After a few months of trying to overcome it on our own, we decided that we needed to go in and get some direction from our stake president. In the beginning we counseled with him about once a month and it was a huge help for both of us. He not only talked to Dave about his sin, but he counseled me as well. And while there was still no cure-all formula given, we learned something each time and got one more piece of the puzzle in place.

My support has changed as Dave's needs have changed over the past few years. During the first few months it was really hard for him to overcome temptations. We agreed that it would be helpful if he could call me when he was feeling tempted. He found that just having me know made it harder to slip up. And, although I did not fully understand his addiction, I would try to be encouraging whenever he was feeling down. We would also have a daily check-in and every night he would report how his day went. He would tell me everything, even if he had minor slip-ups. This was helpful for him to be able to evaluate and see even the small things that didn't seem relevant, but could eventually lead to something bigger. Since he had had his temple recommend taken away, I would go to the temple "for him," put his name on the prayer roll, and pray for him to have strength. I would also encourage him to get his daily prayers and scripture study in. As he has gotten stronger and has been able to overcome the temptations better, I am not so proactive in his daily worthiness. If he does need me, he knows that he can call me. But neither of us feels that we need daily check-ins anymore.

Just as Satan is daily trying to get Dave to fall back into his own ways, he works on me, too. It is normal, as a wife of a porn-addict, to feel that it must be something that you did. Still to this day I think that his addiction has affected my self-esteem and deep down I still feel that if I was prettier/skinnier/blonder/etc. it never would have happened. Logically I know that is not true. Dave reaffirms to me all the time that this is not true. And I know that is one way that Satan works on us wives. But I guess that is still something that I am struggling to overcome. Satan also likes to plant seeds of doubt about Dave in my head. There have been days, while he is away at work, that I have doubts about what he is telling me or if he has told me everything. Some days I am convinced that he has had a "bad" day and fallen into temptation and then I worry. It is still hard for me to fully put my trust in what Dave is telling me. But he is slowly regaining my complete trust.

One good thing to come out of this is that we have both grown spiritually. As individuals and as a couple. Usually I talk my problems over with my mom, sisters, or a friend. But since we decided that we were not going to tell anyone, that ruled everyone out! So I learned to really talk to the Lord. I have also been working on forgiveness and learning how the Atonement can work for me. It has been an ongoing process. Just when I think I have fully forgiven and given away all the hurt, I will find something else that I am still hurting over! I found it very helpful to read _The Miracle of Forgiveness_. It helped me understand how the Atonement could work not only in Dave's life, but in mine as well. Dave has also been growing spiritually through his fervent prayers and scripture reading. As a couple we were usually hit or miss with our couple scripture reading and prayer. But we now realize that this is vitally important to us. And it has come to be something that we both look forward to. We have grown a lot as we have come together as a couple in prayer, pleading on the other's behalf.

Our relationship has definitely changed. I used to think that we were happy. Now I know what true happiness between a couple can be like. We are closer in all aspects of our relationship because there are no more secrets between us. I have also noticed a difference in the way Dave treats me. He has explained to me that he sees me with different eyes since he came clean. Sometimes it is almost like being newlyweds again! I have also learned to appreciate him being a worthy Priesthood holder now, something I took for granted before.

It has been three years since he first told me. In being completely honest, it has been a very long road. Much longer than either of us thought it would be. I have since learned why there was no magical cure-all given to us by the bishop. Because there isn't one! Everyone is different. What will work for one person will not work for another. We have tried many different things; some have worked great, some not so much. Each day, I hope, we are getting a little closer to putting this fully behind us. Each day we get a little bit closer as a couple. And, as we are both learning to utilize the Atonement, each day we get a little bit closer to the Savior.

I recently asked myself the question, "In hind sight, would you still marry him?" Looking back at everything we have been through, the good and the bad, I decided that if I had it to do all over again, I would.

* * * *

Jane

December 23rd, 2008: my suspicions were confirmed; however, I knew there was something going on long before then.

I married the man of my dreams. Chris was near perfection in my eyes, and I felt so lucky that he chose me to be his wife. He was kind, funny, a hard worker, and the perfect gentlemen throughout our entire courtship. We had so much in common and we loved spending time together. After knowing each other for seven years and dating for about nine months, we were married in the temple. My sister-in-law used to joke around calling us "The Celestial Couple" because we each served honorable full-time missions, were married in the temple, and generally did everything that a righteous couple should do. Little did both she and I know, but what looked like perfection on the outside, was a facade hiding my husband's true identity and secret habits he kept hidden from even his closest friend—me, his wife.

Most couples go through the honeymoon phase and ours was no different. We were blissfully happy in our tiny basement apartment with no oven or dishwasher. We were poor students trying to work our way through college, but we had each other, and that was all that mattered to us. Although we were happy, deep down I felt like my husband was keeping something from me--some intangible, indescribable block that kept a distance between us that I didn't understand. We have never fought in our marriage--it really is not in our natures to do so; instead we have "discussions." Throughout our marriage, we have had "discussions" about our married and family life, and somehow I usually ended up feeling like it was my fault--I was always made to feel like that invisible distance between us was because I wasn't good enough, smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough.

It was not until three years into our marriage that I discovered my first clue. Chris was always very private with his email, making sure to sign out when he was done. One day I noticed he left up his hotmail account and I found a pop-up chat conversation from someone I didn't know. This person was trying to talk to him, not knowing he wasn't around. The message the person left was sexually explicit and disgusting, in my opinion. I quickly deleted the conversation and told Chris about it later. He just shrugged it off and told me he did not know who it was. I didn't think much of it either and we moved on.

About a year later, he again unknowingly left his email account open. I decided to look around to see if he had had any contact with some of our old friends from high school or the mission. I was not prepared for what I found. Message after message to and from this person named Shane. I had never heard about this person and was so confused why Chris had never mentioned him before. I had always been more than open and honest about everything, but it was like a slap in the face when I read these intimate emails with this person I had never in my life heard about. Some were emails about random things going on in their lives, others were sexually explicit, and a few were tender. The one that hurt the most was a one-line email my husband wrote to this Shane person: "Thinking of you." I was jealous of this stranger who was receiving sweet messages--nice little notes I never got. I was confused why he was being so intimate with this man. What did it all mean? Again, I told Chris what I had found--his first reaction was to get angry for not trusting him and to go snooping around in his email. So I was apparently the bad guy, not him. I was hurt. He came up with an excuse saying it was someone he had met from an online study group for school who had been going through a rough time in his life. The next day he announced to me and everyone in his contact list that he was changing his email from hotmail to gmail. Days later he was still using his old hotmail account and accidentally left it up again. Every single email to and from Shane had been deleted.

About six months later we were moving out of state, and because of my work situation, Chris had to move ten weeks before me and our son. It just about killed me to be away from him for such a long time, but knowing it was only temporary, we counted down the days and got through it. One day while I was paying bills, I noticed that our cell phone bill had been higher than normal. I called Chris to see if he knew why. He had set up our online account for our phones, so he said he would look into it and let me know what he found out. I asked him to give me the password, but he refused. My suspicions continued to grow.

About half way through the time we had to be apart, my parents surprised me with an early birthday present--a plane ticket for me and our son to go see Chris for the weekend. I was ecstatic to see him again and wanted our time together to be nothing but happy. Chris still had to work his early morning shift, so I decided to go there and hang out for a while. While sitting in his office, I picked up his cell phone and started looking through his text messages, assuming that was the reason for the recent expensive bill since texting was not included in our plan. I was shocked to find so many sexually explicit messages from so many people; one was a picture of another guy's penis--it made my heart hurt and my stomach sick. He walked in on me holding his phone, took it from my hands, and put it in his pocket. I didn't tell him what I saw; I tried to pretend I was just checking the time on his phone. I went home to our little apartment, sat down on the floor with my head in my hands and sobbed. Our sweet little son, who was almost two years old at the time, sat down beside me and asked, "Mommy sad? Mommy cry? I get you a blanket." It didn't make any sense to me at all. The Chris I knew and loved did not match the Chris I was discovering through Internet chats, emails, and text messages. Later that day I checked his phone while he was in the shower: each and every sexually explicit text message had been deleted.

My head could not deny the facts I had found; my heart could not accept the truth. I felt like I was going crazy. All these things were adding up to something I didn't want in my life; at the same time, I knew that Chris was a good person so everything seemed out of character for him. I decided against confronting him about the text messages at that time as to not ruin the few precious days I had to spend with him before flying home for the remaining five weeks apart. I put on a happy face, but inside I was hurting badly.

As time passed, I found more and more evidence—pictures and videos on our computer of naked men. He always had a somewhat reasonable explanation that the pictures and videos were not from him (random/sick people got his email address, someone was able to put files on our computer since we were using an unsecured wireless network, etc.) and I half-believed them since I did not want to believe that my husband was into pornography--gay pornography, at that.

It all came to a head two days before Christmas when I walked in on Chris masturbating in front of the computer. There was no explaining his way out of this one and he finally broke down and told me the truth. It should have been obvious to me--my husband was gay and he was into homosexual pornography which led to long-distance online affairs with other gay men. But because I loved him so much, I had a hard time admitting to myself that my perfect husband had a problem.

We were at a crossroads. We loved each other very much, had a happy home, and a sweet little boy to raise and nurture, but combined with all that, my husband realized he was attracted to men more than women and had an addiction to pornography. I could have kicked him out. I could have left him to go our separate ways, but I didn't; I couldn't. I still loved him too much to let him go. Fortunately, his attraction to me as a woman was his exception, and he wanted to make our marriage work, too.

For the next several weeks and months we had many long conversations about our curious situation—what it meant for us and for the future of our little family. We would stay up late talking everything out, sorting everything out, crying everything out. It was incredibly refreshing to have open and complete honesty after having been lied to for so long. I urged Chris to talk to our bishop, especially about the pornography, which he agreed to do. The bishop referred him to a therapist to help him control his sexual desires and addiction to pornography and masturbation. Because of financial straits, Chris only went to a few therapy sessions, so instead, open communication and long conversations between us became his support and source of therapy.

In one of our conversations, I asked him if he thought his looking at pornography was wrong for him to do. He said that he didn't feel it was damaging to our sex life or relationship at all. Because he knew that I didn't want to be intimate as frequently as he wanted to be, his outlet was looking at pornography and masturbating. In his mind, he was doing me a favor. Unlike husbands who look at female pornography, I didn't feel like I had to live up to an unrealistic standard; however, I did feel sad that I would never be what he truly and fully longed for.

Since confessing to me and being totally honest with me, he has slipped up a few times. Just a couple weeks after he confessed everything, I was putting laundry away and found a questionable DVD in his sock drawer that he had gotten from the library. He said he made himself turn it off, but that old habits die hard; being totally honest with me was a new thing he had to learn. Months later, he came to me on his own to let me know he had masturbated again and that he was sorry.

He slipped up again another time. I found an online chat conversation between Chris and another man. In the past I had only witnessed outside sources coming in for him to view, but this time, I read those disgusting words straight from Chris' mouth participating in this online encounter. It made me sick to my stomach to see this part of him. I was so angry with him for lying to me again and for him to be the one who had initiated the conversation with this random person. It spiraled down as he closed up and chose to hardly communicate with me for several days. He avoided conversations with me and would not touch me more than a quick peck on the lips. After my anger subsided and I tried to forgive, I did my best to show my love to Chris. I decided that if I want God to forgive all my faults, I need to freely forgive others. Chris felt bad for hurting me and we eventually worked through it.

My trust in Chris has been greatly damaged; I do not know if I will ever be able to fully trust him again. I have been hurt too many times. I am cautious as I try to protect myself, our son, and our family, but I have forgiven him as best I can and try to love him completely. What helps my trust grow is our open communication. I ask him often how he is doing, if he has had a difficult time resisting temptation, if there have been any encounters that I should be aware of, etc. This sort of marriage would not work if not for complete honesty and communication.

One of the greatest lessons I have learned from all of this is of repentance and forgiveness. We all have temptation and weakness; none of us is perfect. God sees the intents of our heart and knows our effort and commitment to overcome those shortcomings. Unfortunately, many people may still be in denial that they have an addiction or that their actions are causing severe damage to their marriage and family life. Once they are humble enough to admit they have a problem, that becomes the turning point which will allow the repentance process to begin. If we expect God to forgive our shortcomings, we should not withhold forgiveness from anyone, especially if they are sincerely working through the repentance process. God will be the final judge. I have chosen to forgive Chris because I love him and see that he sincerely wants to rid his life of pornography and secrecy. I recently asked Chris again if he thought pornography was wrong for him to be involved with and his answer had changed since the last time I asked almost a year ago. He said that it is not something he wants in his life anymore; it is not how he wants to see himself. Keeping his sexual orientation a secret had been the trigger for looking at pornography. Once everything was out in the open, and as he learned how to form more appropriate relationships with other men, the temptation to look at pornography greatly diminished.

Chris and I have come a long way since that December evening when he told me everything. Our relationship is much stronger and we are able to talk without holding back any secrets. It's a pretty serious thing to realize that your spouse is not exactly the person you thought you were marrying. What I have learned is that in life there will always be unexpected disappointments, twists and turns. So rather than dwell on the negative, I try to remember all the good in life; I try to laugh.

When I start to become discouraged about my life, I pull out a couple quotes which help me gain perspective:

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough...life is like an old-time rail journey–delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride. (Gordon B. Hinckley from a BYU devotional address in December 1973)"

And then this one from President Hinckley's wife:

"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache. (Marjorie Pay Hinckley, _Glimpses into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley_ , 1999, p. 107)"

Through my experiences, I have learned and grown a lot. I have learned that although I do not understand everything, God does, so I keep my faith in Him and try to understand His plan for me.

December 23rd has now become a second anniversary for us—once upon a time, it was the awful day my suspicions were confirmed and now it is a day to celebrate our openness and honesty with each other. It is a day to celebrate our love and friendship as we have worked our way from deceit and blame to forgiveness and understanding. We are making the best of our situation and making decisions that are best for the both of us. No matter what happens—whether we stay together or divorce—I have absolute peace in knowing that we will always be a family and that we will be able to be amicable partners in co-parenting our sweet son. I know that the future of our relationship will only be good if we keep that line of communication open and if we can be completely honest with ourselves and with each other.

* * * *

Sophia

I married in the temple the man who I thought was my "soul-mate." I did all the right things and in the steps that I thought I should to have the perfect marriage. All those Young Women lessons and values were deeply ingrained in me and I was ready for the blessings of the temple. Even though I was only 18, I felt ready.

The first time I suspected that something was not right in paradise was the second day of marriage. I had an uneasy feeling that "this isn't the man I married." When I was first introduced to the fact that my husband was into pornography and began having that creepy feeling that something was not quite right with my husband and his "preferences," was when we had three small children and he wanted to watch an adult movie at the hotel we were staying at. In my immature youth, all that I had to tell me that this was wrong was the feeling I got: the tingling in my shoulders and neck. I went along with my husband's ideas. The sensations I felt were different and uneasy; I didn't know what to do with these feelings. To know that he wanted this was scary and I was paralyzed.

The next time was when he pulled out a lingerie magazine that he wanted me to look at with him. I am pretty sure I looked for a minute and then said I did not want to anymore. I was completely naive. Then one day I got the phone bill and saw charges for an unknown number. I called the number listed to see about these extra charges. It was an Adult Line. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and filled with a worry and dread that ate at my very core. When he came home that night, I questioned him about the adult phone calls and he denied that he made them. It was right there in black and white on the phone statement. The calls were made from our home phone. His denial and anger hurt me and those walls that I had started to build earlier in the marriage began to thicken.

The years following were full of inappropriate TV shows, Internet pornography, etc. Many long years of secrecy, denial, pain. I remember finding porn magazines locked in a drawer. I seemed to have a sixth sense and knew where and when things of this nature were happening. I had no idea what to do or whom to turn to. So I did nothing.

My husband had a temper and I guess you could say that I was pretty nervous of getting on his bad side and setting him off. I was young, uneducated, had small children and nowhere to go, no one to turn to. I determined to try harder to be a good wife, to be nicer, to give more, and to do better—that would surely get him to stop. Each time something happened, he would become depressed, shutting me out completely, giving me the silent treatment. He ignored me for many days and weeks at a time. He had feelings of low self-esteem and anger. He became suicidal. I found suicide notes that he had written to each of us. I called the suicide hotline. He would come home from work and not talk, not eat, just sleep until the next morning.

I raised my daughters alone. The loneliness was also filled with being scared and quiet and tense and worried about what was going to happen next. I don't think that I had ever heard the word "pornography," or what it meant; I just knew it was bad and wrong. My husband had secrets and I was not the love of his life. I was shut out. I was constantly trying to get his attention, to please him, to get him to think of something other than "the other woman." I wanted to leave; I wanted to run away; I wanted to die most of the time. I hated him; I hated my life; I hated that we were pretending to be the "happy eternal family" at church.

The worst parts of living with a sex addict are the feelings of being unloved and alone, the feeling of secrets. Pretending, always pretending. I was continually walking on eggshells around my husband, hoping that the time bomb would not go off. My main priority was to take care of my children and keep them safe and protected. I put my time and energy into caring for my five daughters and loving them, giving them all the attention I could to make up for the fact that their dad was almost non-existent. They were my whole life. I gave to them the love that I wanted so badly from my husband. They kept me busy and occupied; they kept me going. But always in my mind and heart and body, I knew that things were not right. I was scared of what he would do, what he wouldn't do, what he thought, what he felt. I felt such guilt, especially when he had church callings and went to the temple. I guess I carried the guilt for him. I worried excessively.

Every good day that happened, every hour of peace, every moment that was not scary—those were the times that carried me through the next hours and days. We fought quite a bit, but I continued to try to love my husband, to find the good in him, to build him up. He ignored me a lot of the time and I think I did my best to stay out of his way—that does not make for a very good marriage. And then he involved me. He wanted to live his fantasies and pulled me into his world ever so slowly. We are taught to forgive, forgive, forgive, and to love, love, love, and to never give up on marriage. Divorce is a curse worse than death and who would ever believe me if I were to tell these deep dark secrets? Keeping silent and saying nothing was the answer.

Every pornography talk in church made my skin prickle and the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I would feel sick and look straight ahead. I cried many tears and questioned God, though I never really prayed specifically about his addiction to pornography. I think I was in just as much denial as he was. No one could ever find out. Even when I came into a room and caught him at the computer or masturbating, I would say nothing.

I hated myself for not being stronger and not standing up to him. I hated myself for staying. I hated him for being that way. When I had my fifth baby in my tummy, I found a huge chunk of money in his wallet. But we were extremely poor. I found out he had taken all this cash from a credit card. I was shocked. I found out that he had gone to a strip club. He said he was so sorry and that he would do anything to make it better. I was nine months pregnant. I remember going into our large walk-in closet, kneeling down, and praying with all my heart. I poured out my soul and asked Him if He would take care of me. I promised Him that if he would watch over me and my babies, that I would live righteously and do everything in my power to make it back to heaven. I cried and cried, but I told no one. I was scared and I was sick. The patterns just continued. The lies and secrets were so painful.

Through the years, my husband dragged me into his fantasy sex world by asking me to have affairs with other men, to participate in compromising situations, to live in his sexually-addicted world. It was wrong and I knew it, but it was the only way I could be accepted for an hour or so or feel loved in even the smallest way. I was starving for love and especially for physical touch. This was the only way. Mostly it was just talk and pretense, but it became a part of our lives.

Then the turning point in my life, or maybe a midlife crisis, was when, after 23 and ½ years of being continually shut out, but wanting so badly to be loved, I found myself turning to another man! For the first time in my entire life, or so it seemed, this man was there for me. He heard me! He listened. I poured out my life to him, all my worries and fears. He made the statement that I should be treated like a princess...and that I was being abused. I had never heard anyone say the things that he told me. Everything in me was starving for attention, love, and reassurance. Within a week I found myself meeting up with this man and being comforted. Even though at the time I was active in church, reading my scriptures daily, and praying intently—I still fell.

That began the two and a half year roller-coaster of pain and agony, but also awakening, realization, and growth. I had to go through confessing and repenting, even though it was a one-time meeting and only some hugs and kisses, it was outside the bounds of marriage. I was devastated. I wanted to die. I felt unworthy to live. I was pretty hard on myself. I lost all interest in eating and shed many pounds. My husband apologized to me profusely, taking all the blame and assured me that our lives were going to get much better. We grew closer, then apart, back and forth, trying to repair the years of damage. He made lists of all the things we would start to do together to make our marriage work: couple prayer, reading scriptures, Family Home Evening, etc. I told him that I wanted to hear, "I love you." I began to go to counseling on my own and we both continued serving in our church callings.

My husband followed me around saying, "I love you," and he began washing dishes, doing laundry, helping with dinner. These were things I had not seen before and it was nice, but I was wary. His endless hours of TV watching and Internet use became less and less. He really tried hard to pay attention to me and to be aware of what was going on in the family. I tried to love my husband and be righteous, but I struggled with still wanting to reach out to another. I continued losing weight. My health was declining and I went through two surgeries within two months.

Eventually my husband and I entered a program for sexual-addiction recovery. I was completely shocked when he agreed to do this program. It was a three-phase program, quite a distance from our home, and very pricey. It was the best thing that ever happened to me and the worst thing that ever happened to him. Each week as I made the hour-drive home, I finally felt like I had hope! For the first time in my life, I could share all my feelings and worries and I was heard! I was no longer alone. I learned many valuable tools for dealing with this addiction and many survival skills. I learned about the importance of self. I learned about self-esteem. I learned about the brain, how chemicals are released into the brain with porn use, just like with any other drug. My understanding increased and my self-esteem began. I was by then taking anti-depressants and they were helping. My husband continued attending, but not without a fight. He constantly reminded me that he was only doing it for me. He hated everything about counseling. He hated talking about his feelings and was very closed to the "group" idea of counseling. We argued about the expense it incurred. He said we could not afford it and he would not let the bishop pay for his portion. I worked three jobs to help pay. Eight months into the program, he said, "Enough! No more." But I continued to go.

During these two and a half years, I took my children and left home twice, living with friends for weeks at a time. He continued to lie and say he was all better, that I should forget the past and move on. It was only through intense prayer, faith, and fasting that I finally got my "How do I do this?" answer. When my daughter let me know that she had walked in on her dad viewing porn, I finally grew a spine. She said that this had not been the first time and not to tell him she told.

I knew in my heart that Heavenly Father would never tell me straight-out to get a divorce. But when this happened, I took action. I stood up to him. It took all the strength that I could ever imagine having. I said, "Pack your bags and get out." He denied everything and tried to soothe me, but I stayed firm. It was completely draining, the end of the world. We had been married 26 years.

I kept him out. As I read in Moroni 7, the answers became clear. The Lord did not want for me to be divorced, but he did not want the influence of Satan in my home either. And my husband continued to deny his porn use. I found more evidence than I had even suspected. I was devastated and so angry. So angry at his lies, so angry at myself for not doing something sooner, and so angry and sad to break up our family. Two months later I filed for divorce.

I had discovered through counseling that he had been exposed to pornography when he was in his teens. His porn problem did noy go as far as illegality but I did say to him that if I found any child porn on our computer that I would call the police. Infidelity? Not with another woman, but countless other women, figures, plastic people as I call them, and his numberless fantasies.

For others in this situation, I recommend counseling—with the right counselor. Preferably one that is a specialist in addiction recovery and has had extensive experience working with sex addicts. Group counseling is especially important. Books that I would recommend: _An Affair of The Mind_ , _Co-dependent No More_ , and the Lifestar program and the eight workbooks that go with it.

The hardest part is that I never felt loved, that I tried so hard to get his attention away from all that, that I became a different person and sold myself short. The hardest part is never feeling good enough for him, never feeling pretty enough or smart enough. The hardest part is that he would only have sex with me if it was with someone else in his fantasies, and if I promised to do the things he wanted, the unnatural, the things that are really hard to talk about. The hardest part is that I felt guilty and dirty and ashamed. I felt like I was carrying a heavy burden and that I couldn't share with anyone. Then trying to talk to a counselor/therapist and not even being able to say the words, but having to write it all out because the words would stick in my throat. And that I really didn't have close friends because I could never share that part of my life with anyone, therefore I couldn't get close to them. The hardest part was being silent. Silent. Silent. Since then I have learned to speak! Speak up!

But now we have the Spirit back in our home because he is gone. And I have become really close to Heavenly Father and learned to lean on Him through these times. Unbelievably enough, my kids were strong and supported me so much better than I could have imagined. They said to me one night in a family council, "Mom, you should have done this a long time ago." They are happier and we are all open now. We talk and talk and the walls are down. It's 100 percent different. He has stopped going to church and wearing his garments and he continually reassures me that he is going to hell.

I still cry sometimes, when I am mowing the grass and I think of what we had, some of the good times, and I cry for our eternal marriage that is no more. As each day goes on, I take care of myself, and I lean on God, not on man. I have learned to really rely on the spirit of fasting and prayer and personal revelation. I listen to advice, but then I do what is best for me and my kids. I listen to the Lord and have learned that His plan for me is bigger than I had ever imagined. He is in charge and He will not fail me.

* * * *

Abbie

From hearing others' experiences and reading articles about pornography, I always assumed that a wife who went through that would experience abuse of some sort and the couple would inevitably divorce. That is not the case for me. I never thought my husband would have an addiction to pornography. Brandon and I had been married for four and a half years and we had two children when I found out about Brandon's addiction.

I would tell anyone that we are happily married and that my husband is very committed to me and our family. He is a hard worker and has a strong testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. But Brandon has slowly become addicted to pornography during the last three years of our marriage.

Currently, Brandon is in a demanding graduate school program where he is under a lot of stress and pressure. One particular semester I noticed a change in him. He seemed unmotivated, worn out, and his grades were slipping. He got sick a few times throughout the semester and fell behind in school. He spent long weekend hours on campus trying to catch up, but never caught up. I was worried about him. I thought the stress of school was getting to him and that he needed a break. He also had a small part-time job and sometimes came home very late. I saw no signs that made me suspicious of an addiction to pornography. He was very busy, but I felt alright about our relationship. When we got married, I asked Brandon if he looked at pornography and he told me "no." He was telling the truth. Over the five years of marriage, I asked him about pornography maybe once a year and he always adamantly said that he did not have a problem with pornography. (I now know that wives should be asking, "When is the last time you encountered pornography?") The only thing that clicked once I found out was that it explained why he continued to put off renewing his temple recommend because he "didn't have time." It really bothered me that he let it go for so long, but I never suspected the reason why. I feel a little foolish for that now.

One day a letter came in the mail from his father. That night I showed it to him and he read it by himself and never said anything about it. I was so curious about that letter because he's never gotten a letter from his dad and it was multiple pages long. The next day while Brandon was at school I found the letter in his desk drawer and read it. This is how I found out about my husband's addiction to pornography. His father was urging him to take a stand and do something more to overcome his problem NOW. I read it about five times. The first time I didn't even realize what it was talking about, but when it hit me, I felt my world already start to crumble. I cried. I felt scared and worried. I continued through the day and waited to confront Brandon about it after he got home from school.

That night, after the kids were in bed and we were kneeling for our couple prayer, I apologized for going behind his back and confessed that I read the letter from his father. He sat up and became very serious. He said, "Ok," and looked down. I then said, "Do you have an addiction to pornography?" and he calmly answered, "Yes," without looking at me. We both cried and embraced. He admitted to a pornography/masturbation addiction of three years. We talked for about two and a half hours after that. I had so many questions but was unsure of what to even ask. Brandon was solemn, ashamed, and embarrassed. He couldn't look me in the face. At the same time, he kept telling me that he was glad that I knew. He kept it from me for so long, he says, because he was sure he could overcome it on his own. He didn't want to cause me any pain or to disappoint me. He revealed to me that he had been working with our past three bishops and tried to convey how much he hated what he was doing and desired more than anything else to stop. He told me that over the past two and a half years he had ups and downs with his problem and at times thought he had finally beaten it. But in the last six months he fell deeper than ever before and he was sure, now that I knew, that he would have the strength to do all things necessary to overcome it for good. He was eager to call his parents, who had known for some time, and tell them that I now knew and that we were ready to work together. His parents were relieved and said they had counseled him for a while to tell me, but he didn't want to. The next morning Brandon called our bishop to set up an appointment.

It is hard to describe how I felt. Numb. The reality of it took days to sink in. I looked at him differently. I wondered if I would ever feel the same about him even though I promised I would support and help him. When we met with our bishop, I expected to get answers and to feel peace but I didn't really. He counseled us to get outside help or commit to the LDS Addiction Recovery Program, make a "plan," focus on our spirituality, and to make sure that we were "translucent" and communicate all feelings. After two or three days, mostly full of confusion and crying, my immediate reaction to help and be supportive changed. Anger grew in me at a relentless pace and I felt cheated and like I didn't deserve this. I lived my life worthily, why wasn't he?! I wanted him to BEG for my forgiveness and for the first time, I started to picture us divorced. I felt I couldn't respect or trust him.

I kept telling myself that my life would never be the same. I was miserable. Brandon's parents told me that I could call them whenever I wanted. I did once and his father, a wonderful man and stake president, told me that everything I have dreamed of for our future could still be realized but it would take work. Not only work on his behalf but on MY behalf. That was so comforting and I prayed to be humble and supportive.

We made our "plan," some of which follows:

Eliminate the situation where he found himself prone to temptation. That situation was on campus studying with wireless Internet. So we moved our children together into the same room so our third room would become his office and he would never study on campus again.

Put a lock on our Internet at home and only I had the password.

Talk every night together about his free time that he had the following day at school and how he would spend it.

Start the LDS Addiction Recovery Program.

Study the scriptures together every night for 30 minutes.

Pray every morning together (we never missed a night).

Report weekly on how he was feeling and any relapses.

Set a goal to go to the temple together in three months' time and to go monthly thereafter.

Make this #1 priority over school work

The main point was to increase the Spirit in his life. That was the focus. It was hard at first because I didn't like the feeling of viewing him as a child that I needed to look after and make sure he wasn't getting into trouble because he had no self-control. We put our plan into action and Brandon said he experienced much strength from our daily scripture study. But unfortunately, we became lazy when it came to sticking to our plan 100 percent. I thought it could be a quick fix and I was wrong.

Then there was a relapse. I knew the minute he came home from school. I asked him and he admitted it. He was very gloomy and looked depressed. We asked some friends to take our kids and we went out to dinner to talk. I was outraged and so frustrated. I know I don't fully understand addiction, but I couldn't stand for it. I told him some really mean things, things that were more than discouraging for him to hear, things that I regret. To answer my ridiculous question of, "Why did you do it!!!???" he simply responded, "We need to stick to our goals." I snapped, "No, you need to stick to your goals." I didn't want anything to do with it and wanted it to be totally up to him.

The next day, as I read my scriptures and contemplated that awful conversation, I came to a huge realization: Satan was working on me. That may be obvious to everyone else, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. In talking to a great family friend who is a family clinical social worker, he told me that Brandon needs so much support right now. He helped me know what questions to ask so we could find the positive things even in a relapse, such as: that Brandon realized what he was starting fairly quickly and stopped himself. I sorrowed because of my actions, repented to Heavenly Father, and asked Brandon for his forgiveness. I knew I needed to support him. This started my personal "plan for my husband." I prayerfully decided that I would fast every Sunday and take it upon myself to make sure we were meeting all of our goals. I had a strong feeling that I needed to do something more—make a personal sacrifice—but I put it out of my head.

After another minor relapse, I reacted much better. We both cried together and tried to focus on the positive things...that we were both getting stronger!

However, I knew that I needed to make one more change in my life. I needed to make a personal sacrifice. Offer something on the altar to the Lord if He would heal my husband. I thought about it deeply and finally came up with one thing, something that I loved, that I would give up for the rest of my life. I prayed and made a personal covenant, asking the Lord to accept my sacrifice and in return endow Brandon with the power and the change of heart necessary for him to fully recover for the rest of his life.

That was an amazing experience for me. To say I was motivated to do something hard is an understatement. Since then things have been going very well. We have continued with our daily scripture study, prayers, and very open communication. We have been able to return to the temple. Brandon is now positive and motivated about his problem. He is able to reassure me and talks about it more comfortably and I never see doubt in his eyes.

It is hard to pinpoint the hardest part of this experience that I am still dealing with. It has changed throughout, but the base of it is fear. At first it was hard because I felt betrayed and lied to. I was scared all day long wondering if he was looking at pornography or not. Then it changed to sorrowing for Brandon and his pain, broken covenant, and struggle. It was hard keeping it a secret, but we chose to not tell anyone apart from his parents and mine. When friends and family asked how I was doing it was hard not to say, "I'm miserable!" I answered as honestly as I could about things being stressful, but sometimes I wanted to tell people that I was going through the hardest thing in my life! It is also hard thinking back on our life over the past three years and feeling good about it when something so serious and hurtful was going on all along and I did not know. That time period will always be tainted...but I choose to look forward now. Today I feel like the hardest part is that we will have to be vigilant forever. I know his strength will increase but I am stopping myself from expecting that pornography will NEVER be a temptation for Brandon again. We will always have to carefully cross each 't' and dot each 'i' to protect him.

I am grateful that I can think of many positive things that have come from this. From the moment I found out, I was so thankful that he had already been in contact with his bishops on his own and hated his sin. His desire for repentance was real and sincere from the beginning. This has truly been a good experience for me in learning humility and how to love unconditionally, as the Savior does. We are spiritually stronger as we study together and discuss. We are emotionally stronger as we communicate openly and become more sensitive to each other's needs and feelings. And we have a stronger physical connection as we are more affectionate and intimate. This experience has brought us closer. When Brandon is able to reassure me that he is clean and rebuild that trust, we love each other so much more. Our testimonies are stronger from witnessing the wave of the Spirit that has entered our lives. Brandon has also seen miracles in his school work as he studies his scriptures before any school work. Many times he has felt unprepared for tests because of the time spent going to addiction-recovery meetings, scripture study, or even taking time to talk to and comfort me, but he has gotten the best grades this semester than any other.

I pray and practice to stop feeling fear for the future. I feel better prepared for a relapse but I also feel confident in what I am doing and in what we are doing to overcome this weakness and turn it into a strength. Ether 12:27 increases our faith tremendously and our determination to be obedient to our "plan" and our covenants. Some days it is still hard when I think back or if something happens to remind me. I feel sad and wonder why I have to go through this, but we rely on the Lord, talk to each other, pray together, and buoy each other up. I am learning to trust again. Early on, I wondered how I would ever find peace in this situation that I dreaded and abhorred. The answer was diving into the gospel of Jesus Christ and changing my heart.

* * * *

Katelyn

I was married for less than a week before I realized something was wrong. I didn't know quite how to describe it or exactly what was "wrong," I just felt like things were not right.

I had dated John only six months prior to our wedding. In the beginning, he had won me over with his persistence and dedication to dating me. It was not until much later, years later, that I realized what I valued as "persistence" was actually a sign that he was not respecting my wishes or my boundaries. He came on strong in the beginning. Normally I'm a "slow" mover by nature, but he held my hand on the second date. Somehow he managed to hold my hand despite my arms being crossed in my familiar dating language of "do not even try to hold my hand." When he unraveled my arms and held my hand, I remember thinking, "Just go with it." Later he told me that my body language was telling him that I did indeed want to hold his hand, I just didn't know it.

I broke up with him three times throughout our dating. I felt like he would push too hard for me to be exclusive with him when I wasn't quite ready. If I didn't express feeling the same way he did or feeling as strong as he felt, he would get upset. He even left my apartment in a huff on one occasion. I felt bad. I liked him and enjoyed the attention from him. And every time a warning sign would go off in my head, I would ignore it, think I was "making a mountain out of a molehill," and tell myself to let it go.

John proposed to me after I had broken things off with him. My family did not particularly approve of our relationship (i.e. him), and so we had broken up for the third time. There were some things in his past that I had also recently found out about and I wasn't sure if that was something I could accept. I specifically asked him if pornography was part of his problem and he vehemently denied that it was. I naively accepted this answer and said, "Good, because I don't think I could handle that."

When John called me and asked if he could take me to dinner after I had ended things for the third time, I accepted. I still had feelings for him. He took me to dinner and started talking about marriage and I tried to change the subject. I felt that he was going to propose to me that night. He took me to a park later on, got down on one knee, and asked me to be his wife. I told him I had to think about it. I didn't answer him for five days. I didn't tell my family about it. I loved John, but something inside of me seemed confused. I prayed and prayed. Finally I made the decision that I was going to say "yes."

We were married in the temple less than two months later; I remember seeing the faces of my family members in the sealing room and feeling loved. My grandfather was the sealer and it was a special ceremony.

Like I said, I knew on our honeymoon that something was wrong, but I didn't know at that time that his reactions and behavior were most likely due to his pornography addiction; an addiction that I did not know he had. I felt like there must be something wrong with me for my husband to treat me as he did on our honeymoon. I blamed myself.

The first year of our marriage was rocky, meaning that we disagreed a lot. We both had strong personalities. I found myself feeling depressed and although at the time I was embarrassed, I went to counseling at the Counseling Center at BYU. My therapist/counselor sensed that my husband had a pornography problem with how I described our marriage, but I still did not know. I was having thoughts that I wasn't used to having; thoughts of feeling "stuck" in my marriage. I felt extremely guilty for feeling this way, as I didn't take my marriage covenants lightly. Why was I feeling this way? I didn't feel like I could talk to any of my friends or family about it either.

I found out about the pornography within that first year of our marriage. We both were in school and working. I sometimes worked late at night and when I came home at midnight or later, I noticed as I drove in the driveway that he was in the room with the computer quite frequently. I still did not think anything of it. There were other little signs: rated-R movies that were sexual in nature (that we had decided together that we wouldn't have in our home) were lying on the coffee table one evening. I asked him about it and he said that he had just really wanted to see them because the "story line was good." He said he wouldn't do it again.

Then one Sunday, he said that he wanted us to talk to the bishop about something together. We had made an appointment for after church. I waited outside the bishop's office after church, but I didn't know where John was. When the bishop opened his door, I saw that John was already inside. I was confused, but didn't ask what was going on. As we drove home, John told me that he had something he needed to tell me. I remember getting home and sitting on our bed with my heart racing (I knew it was not going to be good) as John told me that he had been looking at pornography on our computer while I was at work.

My heart sank; I felt sick to my stomach. It felt as though I had been punched in the chest. I felt as though I had been cheated on. How could this happen to me? I didn't want this. I thought to myself, "How am I supposed to share my bed with this man?" I was hurt and disgusted. I didn't want him to see me change or get dressed. In fact, for a couple of days after I found out, I would not change my clothing in the same room as him.

We talked about what we were going to do: I put a password on the computer that wouldn't allow him on the Internet. He had told me that it started because he had received pornographic emails from his email account. He said that he would no longer use that account. We got up each morning early and read scriptures together. Since we had gotten married, it was a sore spot (for me) in our marriage that we had not read scriptures together, something I had wanted to do. I continued to go to my classes and work, but for the first few weeks after finding out, my thoughts in all of my activities focused around my new reality; the reality that I was facing one of my biggest fears. I was constantly sick to my stomach.

Although I was hurt, I felt like I needed to help my husband and support him throughout his struggles. I told him that when he was struggling, he could talk to me about it. After the initial shock, I felt some hope. I soon realized that trying to get my husband up for scripture study was more of a strain on our relationship: he didn't want to do it and what was the point of me trying to "make" him get more spiritual? I couldn't do it for him. I was secretly disappointed in him, however. I wished that he tried harder. It seemed like after he told me about his "problem," that was the end of the discussion; I wasn't allowed to bring it up again. If I asked how he was doing, his response would be, "I'm fine, stop bringing it up and dredging up the past," even though he had just told me about the problem. I thought that he was probably right, though, and that I should stop bringing it up. It became a subject that we didn't really talk about. After a while, I took the password off of the computer as well. Life seemed to go on.

It was always in the back of my mind, though. I was sensitive to how John treated or talked about women in general. He seemed to hold them in contempt sometimes. It bothered me. I wondered during these times if he was struggling with "his problem." I would catch John looking at other women when we were out. This hurt my feelings. Was I not good enough? Why did he want more? I remember one time John returned from a sporting event that he attended with his father. He told me, "I looked around at all of the girls in the stadium and I think you were better looking than all of the girls in there." I felt sort of honored that he felt that way, but also disturbed that he would "check out" all of the other girls he saw and compare me to them.

After we had been married for a little over two years, we learned that I was pregnant. I had graduated from BYU the year before and was in the middle of an internship in my field. We were both excited about being parents. At the time, we were living with his parents in order to save money. John was finishing up his undergraduate degree and had been accepted to law school in the fall. John had some friends who made quite a bit of money over the summers doing door-to-door sales. He wanted to try it as well and go with his friends. We decided we would go together. However, I was pregnant and still completing my internship. I also worked in my field that summer. John left the day after he graduated and drove out of state to pursue door-to-door sales to earn money. It was hard being apart and I think now that his addiction must have gotten worse at this time. I visited him on three different occasions that summer. When he returned home at the end of the summer, we decided that if he wanted to do door-to-door sales again, that we would do it together because it was too difficult to be apart for that long and I didn't feel it was right.

John began law school soon after returning home and our daughter was born that fall. She was a beautiful and happy baby. During my labor John was on the computer. My sister was in the room with us and later told me how it bothered her that John was not emotionally present during the birth of our daughter. He stayed at the hospital with us that first night. The day that we were supposed to be discharged, however, John told me that he had to meet someone for a school assignment up in Salt Lake City. He told me he would be back in time to pick us up before we were discharged. To this day, I wonder what he was "really" doing that day. He was late picking me and our daughter up from the hospital. We sat on the end of the bed waiting for him. The nurses would walk in every few minutes, waiting to discharge us. He was a couple of hours late in picking us up, but he did finally come. I believe now that he was unable to be emotionally connected to me/us because of his addiction.

I loved being a mother and I felt closer to John at this time as well. He later told me that it was during this time that his addiction got "worse." That was heartbreaking to me. John was busy in his first year of law school and I didn't see him very often. He would come home late at night and leave early in the morning. On the weekends he would go skiing with his friends or go to sporting events with his father. I felt very alone, although I enjoyed being a mother. I was working part-time to help our financial situation, as John couldn't work during his first year of law school. I left our daughter with his mother during those times that I worked. I was chronically tired from late night feedings and working during the day. As the first year of his law school was coming to a close, John relayed that he wanted to do door-to-door sales again; this time in my home state. We decided that we would get an apartment there together with our daughter. About a week before we were supposed to leave to sell, John told me that he had signed up to live with the single guys who were selling because the rent was cheaper. He told me that I could live with my parents (2 ½ hours south of where he was) for free and that he would visit me on weekends. I was heartbroken and felt betrayed. Why did he want to be apart again after we had decided that we would not do that again? The first half of that summer John sold door-to-door and the second half, he did a law clerkship/internship. Our daughter was less than a year old.

For the first week of his clerkship, John drove me and our daughter to stay at his aunt's house. On one morning of that week, I walked into the bathroom while John was in the shower. I caught him masturbating. I walked out and waited for him to finish getting ready for the day. When he came out, I was feeding our daughter in the kitchen. He came to eat breakfast and acted as if nothing had happened. I said, "John, do you want to talk to me about something?" He pretended to not know what I was talking about. I said, "When you are ready to talk about what I saw this morning, I will listen." He continued to deny that he knew what I was talking about. He went to his clerkship that day and came home and again denied that he was masturbating. It took him over a day to admit to what he had done and that he had been struggling with it again. I didn't know that the problem was much worse.

Once again, I felt sick to my stomach constantly. He drove us back to my family's home after that week and he returned to his clerkship. One night when he came for the weekend to be with us, he refused to leave the bedroom. I thought he was feeling bad for masturbating. I tried to talk to him about it, but he was inconsolable and depressed. I had not seen him act this way before and it puzzled me. I told him that I wanted us to go to marital counseling when we returned to Utah and our home there. He agreed to go to counseling and said that he needed help.

We returned to Utah at the end of that summer and he began his second year of law school. I asked him about counseling again, but John put it aside and didn't feel like he needed it anymore. Then one evening, John was upset with me for not doing something sexually for him that he had asked me to do. At the times he was struggling more, John treated me differently and became very selfish. He seemed to treat me with disdain and he looked at me with almost contempt in his eyes. The next day he signed us up for marital counseling. He had denied to me that he was looking at pornography again, but over the weeks of counseling, he admitted that he had been looking at it. He would downplay it, however, and say that it wasn't "that big of a deal."

I felt like something was seriously wrong, however. It was an underlying feeling that was always with me. John was rarely home again; spending most of his days studying until late, working part-time at a law firm, or hanging out with his friend from law school. Once during his second year of law school, he traveled with some of his fellow students for a mock trial competition. While he was away, I couldn't sleep and had thoughts that "your husband is cheating on you." I thought I was going crazy. John might be struggling with occasionally looking at pornography, but he would never do that, right? Then one day during that time, my friend came over to my house very distraught. She had found out that her husband was renting pornographic movies and watching them at his work. She was devastated. Her eyes were swollen and red from crying for hours. John happened to come home for lunch when she was there. He asked what was going on and she told him about how upset she was about finding out about her husband looking at pornography. He told her that he had struggled with it in the past and that it was fully possible to overcome it. He gave her encouraging words. I felt proud of him (and somewhat relieved that he wasn't struggling with it anymore) and my friend told him that she hoped that her husband could get there someday. He left to go back up to campus to study for his finals. After he left, my friend told me about how she had had a feeling that something wasn't right in her own situation, even though at first her husband denied it. Then she said something that struck a chord with me and played itself over and over in my mind. She said "Katelyn, if there's anything I've learned today, it's to trust my intuition." She left to go home shortly after that.

Later that evening, after putting my daughter to bed, I thought about the day's events. I kept thinking about what my friend had said about trusting her intuition. I had not trusted that in myself for so long. I had the thought that night that I needed to get on my computer. My husband had just set up the computer at home for me to be able to "chat" with him online occasionally while he was studying up on campus. We had done it only a couple of times. It had struck me as a little odd that he used acronyms in his chatting; I had had to ask him what those meant. Once again, something seemed a little off to me. He seemed to be a little too proficient at chatting online. So that night, I signed on to the computer and something occurred to me. To be able to chat with me, he had to have an account. I went to the website and typed in his ID that he had been using to chat with me. I guessed a password that he might have used. It happened to be correct. I thought to myself, "What are you doing? This is stupid." And then my heart sank in my chest. The email account was completely erased empty except for two emails that had recently come in. They were from a girl. I could tell from the subject lines that she was someone with whom he had some sort of relationship. I still had some hope that there was an explanation for this. But then I opened the emails. The person emailing was telling my husband how much she missed him and wanted to know when they could talk again. I was in shock. I had been working on trying to trust my husband.

My husband was studying on campus with a neighbor and friend of ours. I sent him a message asking him if the girl happened to be a law student with them. He said he had not heard of the name and that she wasn't a law student. He told me later that John had been out of the room when I asked him that. When my husband came back into the room, our friend told him that I had asked about the name of a girl. He said that John didn't say a word, just grabbed his keys and rushed out. John was back at our home in less than two minutes. By this time I knew things were much worse than I had previously imagined. I was sitting on our couch in a state of shock and heartbreak. I couldn't deny anything anymore. It was staring me right in the face. John rushed through the door and came over to me hurriedly. He reached out as if to give me a hug. I asked him not to touch me. I told him that I wanted our marriage to work and that he had an opportunity to be completely honest with me at this point. I begged him to be completely honest with me. I told him the only way to start getting trust back and the only way our marriage would work is if he stopped all the lies.

He began to lie to me; I could sense it. I was heartbroken. Over the course of the next couple of days, I gleaned enough information to figure out that John's problem was more than just infidelity. He had become a sexual predator and targeted underage girls. It was quite apparent that his addiction was much worse than I could have imagined. He was excommunicated from the church and lost the ability to attend law school because of that. I reported my husband to the police. I felt conflicted, like I was betraying him, but I also felt horrible for the girls that he manipulated and abused. In talking about it, he did not seem apologetic. He blamed other people, including the girls. He would not take responsibility for his actions.

We separated and I began to see a therapist to help sort out some of my feelings. It was very helpful. I wish I had stayed in therapy longer than I did. I only went for six weeks, as then I moved to begin working full-time. At that point, I viewed therapy as another thing to do in an already over-scheduled life and I was living in "survival mode." I had the gospel and thought that I was strong enough to get through my trials "on my own." If I could do one thing differently, it would be taking the time then to work through my feelings and trauma with a qualified professional/therapist at the time.

My life had completely changed from what I thought it was going to be. The loss of what I thought I had and the life that was "supposed" to be mine was painful. It was the end of a dream. John and I were getting a divorce. That was an extremely difficult decision and a hard time for me. I didn't take my temple covenants lightly and I was deeply concerned about making the right decision for everyone involved. It was a decision that required much prayer and contemplation. I asked for Priesthood blessings at this time to help me through the process and found those very helpful. I felt the prayers of those who loved me and I felt supported and buoyed up, even though I was miles away from my family. In spite of this, I found myself wishing that things were different and that there was an alternative option than divorce.

However, more than just my agency was involved, and I recognized with time that divorce at that point was right for me and for my daughter. Another difficulty through this period was feeling shame for being a divorced member of the church. I even wondered if at times God was disappointed in me. I was able to work through this with time and prayer, however. I am grateful for being able to feel God's love for me so strongly during that time. I turned to Him and to the scriptures often. One of the benefits of this was feeling peace again in my life and in my home.

One of the most difficult and damaging things about the effects of a sexual addiction in my marriage was feeling like I lost the ability to trust myself. Being lied to over and over again was confusing to me and left me not knowing what to trust, which way was up or down. It felt like it changed who I was. I felt for a while like an empty shell of my former self. However, with being able to get the Spirit back in my home, I began to feel more confident in my ability to make choices again. I began to feel more peace in my life. It was extremely painful to go through the divorce process, but I knew that my Heavenly Father was aware of me and my daughter, and I did not feel alone. I began to feel closer to my Heavenly Father again; I felt loved by Him. I felt deeply that I was being watched over. I was in a ward where there were other women in my situation as well.

Another effect of the addiction in my marriage and in my life has been how I feel about myself and what my role is as a woman. I felt used and objectified in my marriage due to the effects of the sexual addiction. I know intellectually that my worth is not in my body as the pornography industry or world would have me believe, but sometimes I can feel the effect of this experience on how I feel about myself. Unfortunately, my self-esteem in this area took a hit. I have become fairly good at recognizing detrimental thought patterns I might have about myself, however, and I do not entertain them. I recognize that these damaging thoughts of not being good enough do not come from a source that I should listen to. I did not cause his addiction, and his inability to be emotionally in-tune and involved in our marriage was not because of a defect within me. He had struggled with his addiction from the age of twelve, which is why I felt its effects even in our dating life. Even if the addiction had started in our marriage, however, it would not have been because there was something inside of me that was defective or that made me unlovable. Once again, his addiction was not because of me. I believe that Satan will use these thoughts/insecurities that there is something wrong with me to keep me from being who I truly am and from accomplishing what I need to if I am not careful. I am a daughter of God.

A book that I found helpful in recognizing my worth as a woman was a book by an LDS author named Beverly Campbell titled _Eve and the Choice Made in Eden_. I had felt that my worth was somehow less than that of a man. Even though I knew this to be logically untrue, it was still a thought and feeling that crept into my subconscious at times. This book was helpful in combating some of those false and dangerous notions that I felt at times.

It has been a few years since the end of my marriage. I have had both joyful and sad times since then, as life continues to go on. One of the things I recommend for those whose spouses have struggled with a pornography addiction is to get help for themselves. In the beginning after my divorce, I continued with the thought that my husband's "problem" was just his. While he was ultimately responsible for his behaviors, I neglected to recognize that I had been seriously hurt and that I had feelings and beliefs that needed to be worked out. I thought that since I was no longer married, the effects of the addiction would leave just because the person acting in the addiction was no longer there. While I did feel increased peace and an increase of the Spirit in my life, I did not see how I still might need help.

I have recently returned to see an LDS therapist. I am learning to process and actually feel the pain that I have tried so hard to push away; I am learning that I need to feel it to be able to heal and move on from it. I am learning that it is okay to have emotions. I have learned that I struggle with codependency. I have learned that this is common among family members of those struggling with a pornography addiction, or any addiction for that matter. I have read the book _Hold on to Hope: Help for LDS Addicts and Their Families_. Although it deals mostly with drug and alcohol addiction, it is helpful as it describes codependent behavior. The Church has also published a twelve-step guide for women whose husbands have pornography addictions. Groups have been formed where women can attend group therapy and heal. The Church also has a website (<http://www.lds.org/topics/pornography>) that has information for families, individuals, and professionals. I am grateful for these emerging resources that can help me and many in situations like mine. I also found a chapter out of Lili Anderson's (another LDS therapist and author) book, _Choosing Glory_ , to be very helpful in describing how not to be a victim and in finding safety in relationships. For those who find themselves back in the dating world after divorce from someone who has struggled with addiction, it is imperative to know and recognize the signs both in others and in yourself that are red flags to a potentially harmful relationship/situation.

I am learning how to apply the Atonement more in my life. I am learning to recognize that I cannot do anything of myself and that I must rely on my Savior to heal me. This is a subject that I still have much to learn about.

As far as the future is concerned, I have hope and faith that as I follow the principles of the gospel and strive to live my life in a way that is pleasing to my Heavenly Father, that my daughter and I will be taken care of. The Savior knows how to succor me in my times of sorrow and affliction; He knows my struggles and worries, my joys and my heartaches. I am excited to continue relying on the Lord, learning to trust in myself, and discovering His will for me.

Update:

It has been close to three years since I have written the account above. I can read those words now and not experience the pain that those events once caused me. I believe in the Atonement's power to heal all wounds, as I have experienced it first-hand for myself. I always knew logically that I needed to forgive John for his actions in our marriage, even if it did not seem to me that he was repentant; his actions do not justify my continued harboring of hurts and injustices. I needed to forgive for my own sake, not only to be at peace in my life, but also for me to be able to progress. Regardless of whether a marriage struggling with the effects of pornography (or any other addiction) will remain intact, forgiveness is necessary. Although it took time and effort, I am now free of the hurt. It does not mean that I forget, especially when it still comes to protecting my daughter, but it does mean that I can be at peace.

I have seen the hand of the Lord in my life in several ways. Since writing last, I met, was courted by, and made eternal covenants with my husband and Heavenly Father at an altar of the Lord. The Spirit told me very strongly (and believe me, I asked for extra help on this issue) one of the first times I interacted with Alex: He is a good man. While I recognize that every marriage has different strengths and struggles, I am so grateful to be with a partner who strives to improve himself and improve our marriage; who works with me, even though we are both imperfect. He is an honorable priesthood holder and strives to be a good husband and father. We are both learning how to step-parent and to blend a family. I continue to be encouraged by the Lord to grow and change into who He would have me become, as new and different challenges arise (as they naturally do in all of our lives).

At one point in my life, I did not think that these blessings (eternal marriage/family) were possible for me, as I think many people in the LDS culture wonder about when they go through divorce and/or abuse. That is what the adversary would have us believe. But Heavenly Father knows what is best for each of us, and what is best for our children. His timing is best as well. I did not know that I would be a single parent for seven years. But I am grateful for the experiences I had during those years, and I am even grateful for the lessons I have taken from my first marriage. The effects of pornography on individuals, marriages, families, and our culture have many far-reaching and negative consequences. However, I am a firm believer in the principle taught in Ether 12:27 that if we humble ourselves before the Lord, and have faith in Him, He will make "weak things become strong."

* * * *

Emily

I met Paul almost by accident. We were set up on a blind date and at the time I really had no interest in dating. I was enjoying my freedom as a single person with a steady job. I think that had it been any other way, I would not have given him the time of day. We had a great year of dating and considered communication a strong point in our relationship. I confided in him some of my feelings about my extended family and close friends being "burned" by the men in their lives, whether it was physical abuse, mental illness, or pornography. Paul was straight-forward and direct with me, telling me "those things would never happen between us." I handed over a lot of trust, trust that I had kept under lock and key for so many years.

Paul and I entered the House of the Lord and were married for time and all eternity. I will never forget how I felt on that day. Every particle of my body was screaming "yes!" as I knelt across the altar and took Paul to be my husband. I knew that he was the right person. That it was the right time. And that it was the right place. Come what may, this was, and will always be, right.

I have always been an extremely private person. Going from strict moral standards before marriage to all of a sudden having to discover a new part of me with someone else was absolutely terrifying. Paul and I deeply struggled with intimacy. We sought counsel from our bishop. I tried to change to make Paul happy. After a long period of time we honestly thought we were overcoming. We decided to start a family. Then we started having intimacy troubles again. Communication was difficult, at best.

After some time, I started to notice Paul doing odd things. I would go into the office to invite him for dinner, and he would quickly click out of something. This happened for some time, all the while I was confused and tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I didn't want to hover and seem like I mistrusted him. Bad idea! Looking back, I wish our communication would have been better so that I could have caught it earlier. I discovered Paul doing grosser things, which I will not mention because it is too dirty to think about. We were simply living together, but not communicating, and certainly not happy. I kept trying to change to please him, but I felt fake. Little did I know that all that would build up into a festering ball of resentment after several years.

When I confronted Paul with my fears, I felt like I was in a black hole. Thankfully he admitted the truth and I was grateful he hadn't lied to me. Although all the behind-my-back actions were certainly a form of deceit. He said that he had had some problems with it in his late teens, but had repented and was cleared by his bishop to serve a mission. Still, I remember being a new mom and feeling completely abandoned. I was horrifically disgusted by his actions. I felt like a cheap object. I didn't know if he loved me for who I was or if he simply lusted after me because I have a female body. I thought his "need" for intimacy was then just him trying to reenact what he was viewing. I felt dirty. Very, very dirty. I couldn't look him in the eye and I cringed whenever he tried to touch me.

That trust I had given him while we were dating was instantly broken. I held him to his promise and he broke it. I held him to his covenants and he broke them. How was life supposed to go on? I felt that in some way I must have caused him to seek this out, since we had struggled so much with intimacy. He would often tell me that I was the "broken" one, that I should get some medication, or that he would do things for me if I would just give in to him.

I would occasionally still find things on the computer or on his phone. I put a password on the computer and I hid his laptop. I remember one day we were in the car heading to a relative's birthday celebration and I wanted to use his phone for directions. I turned it on and the pornography was right there. Disgusted, I wanted to throw the phone out onto the highway. We had some car troubles on the way and he dropped me off at the party, claiming he needed to go fix the car. I worried the entire time that he was just off looking at filth on his phone.

Paul and I decided we needed some help. We went to marriage counseling and he went through the LDS Addiction Recovery Program. I enjoyed the counseling. We learned to communicate better. I felt that I came to terms that I was still of worth, despite his actions. Still, I had to remind Paul of his recovery meetings. I felt that he went to them half-heartedly. I did the twelve-step book on my own and it was great for me. He was encouraged to do it on his own, but I am not sure he did past the first two lessons. This was frustrating to me, but I had to let him own it, so I just tried to accept any sign of repentance.

Things got better for a while. We were communicating, we were trying to rediscover our intimate side, and we were being cautious of Internet use. Then the relapse happened. Then it happened again. I was so tired. I am convinced that this trial has taken several years off my life span. I was confused as to what to do with Paul. I had tried so hard to forgive him. I had tried to push past the pain and anger, but just when things were going smoothly, the filth came back. I didn't know how I could keep going through this cycle. I considered running away. I just didn't know how to handle it again.

We went through more counseling with our bishop. Things looked better. Then it hit again out of the blue. We moved during this time and I was at my wits end. I was about to break. After so many years of this filth creeping back, I couldn't bear it any longer. I needed outside help. I confided in a few people and discovered this was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Getting it out of me allowed me to realize that this is NOT my problem. It is his. This is NOT about me. This is about addiction. I am still every bit worthy. I am clean. He is not. For the first time I learned to detach myself from the addiction. I felt like a bird let out of its cage. I felt empowered. I sought validation in conference talks and through deep personal prayer and temple attendance. I felt Heavenly Father's love for me. I became a lot happier.

I made a lot of changes in my heart and mind and felt like a new person. I felt sorry for Paul, that he was still stuck in this cycle of filth. I felt so good being "healed" in my own way that I wanted to help Paul truly heal. I set up an appointment with the stake president for counsel on what my role was in this aspect. I told Paul I was going and asked if he wanted to join. I was elated when he said yes.

In the interview, I asked my one question, but most of the time was dedicated to Paul's problem. He told us that Paul's actions were punishing his family—by not keeping his covenants—and that no man should be punished for another man's sin. That hit Paul like a ton of bricks. He's always had great respect for Church leaders and this really sunk in.

The stake president then told us five things that will ruin a marriage: communication, intimacy, religion, money, and in-laws. He pointed out to Paul that his actions over the past several years had created problems in four of the five areas. He told Paul that "it is a testament to the goodness of your wife that she is even still with you." I felt validated in my suffering. Paul realized that he had really been a jerk for so many years and finally saw the suffering he had put me and the kids through.

Since our interview we have committed to real, dedicated talk time. Paul offered to give up the phone while at home and actually be involved in our lives. This has gone a long way. We have daily gospel study time together and we are having couple prayer again each night. These were two things that I loved doing with Paul when we were dating and first married. He also understands that he must rebuild trust from the ground up. He has tried very sincerely in that area thus far. We are coming through it again and hopefully it will be for the very last time.

I no longer feel that Paul is everything I hate about life. It has taken several years to get to this point. The real turning point for me was being able to confide in someone else. That act alone helped me rid myself of all those feelings that this was my problem, too. It is not my problem. I did not cause it and it is not my fault. I also gained great strength from conference talks and personal scripture study. I have witnessed the power of the Atonement in my life in a very real and sacred way. I feel free and I know that Paul can be made free also. We actually are tried beyond what we, alone, can bear. But we are not tried beyond what we, with Christ, can bear.

* * * *

Rachel

I had known of Matt and his good reputation for a couple years and when we started interacting, we had a great connection. We also made logical sense as we had similar interests, talents, goals, and spoken testimonies. We had many mutual friends and his family had the image of a strong LDS family. He pursued and courted me respectfully and sweetly. Our dating and engagement was short, five months in total, but every time I prayed about the decision to marry Matt, I felt the peaceful feelings of the Spirit. Thus I still believe it was the right to marry him.

Just before our pre-marriage ecclesiastical interviews, Matt told me he'd had some issues with pornography in high-school, but had repented. It hardly fazed me since I believe in the power of the Atonement and he was humbly telling me that this was a couple years in the past. When we met with the bishop and the stake president, this past was brought up and both Priesthood leaders talked about the dangers of pornography. The stake president gave us the name and number of a therapist should it ever be a problem again. Matt responded by saying, "If I ever get into it again, Rachel will never know because I'm too good with computers." I remember feeling surprised and a bit disrespected by his defensive response, but I brushed those feelings aside. I had been raised in a loving, sheltered environment, had an idealistic personality, and did not have much dating experience; I was quite naïve and trusting.

During our engagement, we went to the temple every week and read our scriptures together every night. Once we were married, things seemed to change. It felt like these spiritual things which mean so much to me didn't really mean that much to him. I felt deceived, though I can see now how my idealism played a role in that feeling. Matt would become angry over minor issues and not speak to me for days. He blamed me for every disagreement and always thought he was right. He became increasingly angry and critical: how I walked, how I wore my make-up, how I bit my finger-nails, how I did the laundry. It was emotional and verbal abuse, but I didn't know it at the time. I did not tell anyone because I wanted to obey all the marriage counsel I had ever heard or read and I thought that these difficulties fell under the idea that "marriage problems should be kept within the marriage." But my heart was continually being broken. I spent many hours crying, questioning, self-pitying, but then I would turn to the Lord and receive His comfort and direction. He became my true confidant and companion.

Divorce was not an option in my mind. He never hit me; He had not cheated on me. I was married for _eternity_ in the temple and we hear that marriage is hard, that we have to work at it. I thought that if I repented and forgave more, read my scriptures and fasted more, became a better communicator, was always interested in sex, kept the house clean, wrote love letters, and made delicious food, that it would—that it Had to improve. So that's what I did. And it nearly depleted me on every level.

A year into our marriage, a traumatic event occurred in Matt's family and he went into what I now believe was an episode of depression. This was something I had seen before with him but did not understand or know what to do with. I thought he was just feeling down and I would try to cheer him up, but nothing worked. He did not want to talk or pray about it.

The depression triggered his problem. I came home early from work while he was apparently masturbating in the shower, after having looked at some risqué material online. This must have startled him. I went to the bedroom to take a nap and he came in and lay down next to me. He looked ashamed, broken, depressed. We had just found out we were pregnant the week before. He had been so happy that the first thing he had done was ask me to kneel down with him to say a prayer of gratitude. I believe this helped him be humble enough to want to confess to me. He tried to tell me, but couldn't. And then I knew what it was. I prayed in my mind for him to have the courage to say it. Then he did and it sucked all the light and hope out of my soul. He told me it had been occurring since his mission, but he felt he was worthy when we were sealed. I was shocked and devastated. I knew what masturbation was, but I had been so sheltered growing up, I thought only really dirty, creepy people did it. My respect was destroyed. I was with someone unclean and unworthy and that crushed all my hopes and dreams. I pictured him ogling those women on the computer and it hurt so badly. I cried all afternoon. He was sad and said he was sorry.

Later that night, I told him I needed a blessing and would like to go to his parents who lived nearby. I felt that we needed support. Matt got a little defiant, but agreed to go. His parents talked about it matter-of-factly, not overreacting, but also not seeming too concerned. We got blessings and went home. But the next day his mother told me that this was partially my fault because I was self-righteous and must be controlling. I knew absolutely that his problem had nothing to do with my attractiveness or with our sex-life and I experienced no loss of self-esteem in that regard. I had studied this before so I knew that it was not about sex, but about improper coping skills and that it becomes a drug the user is injecting into his body to numb himself from emotional pain. I have since learned that this emotional pain usually harks back to the addict's childhood or adolescence. But I was easily manipulated by guilt at that time and I knew I could be self-righteous, so I believed my former mother-in-law just enough to take on inappropriate guilt. When I told her about his temper, she counseled me to try harder not to be the "trigger." I poured my heart out to the Lord, begging Him to change me and forgive me of all the weaknesses that might have caused this and that were making our marriage so difficult. Unfortunately, his parents never again asked how he was doing.

Matt went to the bishop, disconnected the Internet, and told me he wanted to get counseling so that he wouldn't "ruin his family." He was so self-loathing that I felt great compassion and forgiveness for him almost immediately. I had no problem being physically intimate with him even the next day. I reread our temple sealing which said that we would have hard times, but that these would bring us closer and become sacred to us. I was actually hopeful that we were finally going to start growing closer together. But a couple days later when I gingerly asked him if we could pray about the issue, he got angry, "I don't want you holding this over my head like you're my mom or something. I've confessed! I've repented! It's done!" This is simply not true: confession is not true or complete repentance, especially in the case of a recurring problem. But I was intimidated by his anger, by his parents' authority, and by my own lack of education and then guilt that this was somehow partially my fault. From then on, I tried to be the perfect, docile wife who never had any needs or problems. I did not realize that this just enabled his behavior. I did not realize that I was in a state of trauma and grief. Instead, I buried most of my feelings and needs and continued on with our pretend life and our pretend marriage and pretend love.

He did not act on his idea to get counseling. A year later, he said he was ready to reconnect the Internet. I told him I could go the rest of my life without it, but he said he was fine. The next two years of our marriage—the last two years of our marriage—got increasingly worse. The inappropriate material and masturbation continued, unbeknown to me. He lost his temper more frequently, more irrationally, and more explosively. I cried a lot. I forgave a lot. There were enough honeymoon periods and good times that I kept thinking things would get better. During those seemingly happy times, I was scared to bring up the other times because I did not want to "trigger" his anger. I was determined to stick with my eternal marriage, but it was like walking on eggshells.

Matt did what he felt like doing without regarding me as an equal—quitting jobs on a whim, buying cars, starting up businesses on credit. If I mentioned that I did not feel good about something, he would use coercion, intimidation, anger, name-calling, and/or manipulation to get his way. I developed codependent behaviors as I tried to cope. The best thing I have read on codependency is found online here:  Chapter 3 of Hold On To Hope: Help for LDS Addicts and Their Families by Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone and Dr. Rick H. This chapter describes much of what I did and how I felt. I assumed responsibility for how he acted and felt which then led me into bondage, the kind of bondage I feel Jacob spoke of in Jacob 2: "For behold, I, the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people in the land of Jerusalem, yea, and in all the lands of my people, because of the wickedness and abominations of their husbands...For they shall not lead away _captive_ the daughters of my people because of their tenderness." I was losing my dignity, my identity, and my freedom; it felt oppressive and exhausting.

I carefully asked Matt a couple times if there was still a problem with pornography, but he would deceive me without outright lying. And I believed him. Despite his past dishonesty, I somehow trusted that he was an honest person. I can see now that I was denying my feelings and forcing myself to trust someone who was actually not trustworthy. I prayed constantly and fervently that I could love, trust, and respect Matt with all my heart so he would never look at pornography again and so we could have a loving marriage. I was doing the best I could and I felt the Spirit approve my actions and comfort me when I did this so I do not have regrets. But in retrospect, I can see how sharing my feelings and directly confronting the problem would have been helpful. I can also see how not having a strong friendship before marriage coupled with my emotional immaturity made things difficult. But I do not believe these are excuses for dishonesty, abuse, or disobedience to the covenants we make in the temple. I believe that if he had been honest and striving to keep his covenants, we could have grown in love and maturity together.

We were diligent about couple and family prayer, Family Home Evening, and family activities. We rarely watched TV. We were both careful with our time when it came to video games, the Internet, and phones. We had great sex many times a week. We hosted game nights and dinner parties. We both loved to read and had college degrees. We did our callings, home and visiting teaching, and missionary work. We had no debt and cute children. Things looked perfect from the outside.

But behind closed doors, Matt would tell me I was useless and incompetent when I didn't buy enough cheese or stomp up the stairs to stand over me and our nursing baby, yelling at me because the dryer was broken. Finally one day, as he was blocking the doorway with his large frame, shouting that I couldn't do anything right, and as my babies sobbed into my shoulders while we huddled in a corner, a clear line entered my mind like it was being typed on a typewriter: "This is how you've always pictured a battered wife." Clarity. And this time I didn't push my feelings aside in the name of mercy and optimism. I told the Lord I needed to wake up and truly see what was happening.

The next day, when all was calm again, I told Matt very clearly that our marriage could not continue if he could not recognize that what he had done that weekend was inappropriate. He tried to flip the situation by telling me that I had more sins and weaknesses than him and that these were what was bringing us down. I fasted the next day and things got better for about two weeks. I believed that his temper was finally under control and that we were going to "make it." Then he came home grumpy because of something at work. I had made his favorite dinner and he scooped the entire serving plate onto his plate. Our children began to cry. I was too scared to say anything so I quietly went to the stove to make some more food for them. He became furious because he wanted me to sit at the table and listen to his day. I told him I could do both, but our children were hungry and needed dinner. He got angrier and I did not want it to escalate in front of our children, so I gave in and sat down by him, at which point he said, "Well, you didn't come when I first asked so now I won't tell you anything!" I was so hurt. It felt like there was no way to make him happy. He ate everyone's dinner angrily and silently and retreated to the bedroom for the rest of the night.

The next day his anger continued to build no matter what I did or did not do. This is how the cycle went. But I was finally realizing that it was not my fault. And this time, he turned his venomous rhetoric directly on our two-year-old. It was so repulsive to me that it shook me awake. However, this time I did not argue back or cry or beg him to stop. This time it felt like the Spirit sealed itself around me and his words just slid off like raindrops off a raincoat. I calmly told him I was going to leave him. This unleashed his worst rage yet, but the kids and I remained miraculously unaffected. It felt like we were in a protective bubble of the Spirit. We just ignored his ranting and raging, went about our playing and eating, and after a while, he finally left the house (this "worst unleashing" is typical and I urge anyone who is being abused and is contemplating leaving/has left, to be extra cautious during this time as the separating/separation period is statistically the most dangerous). I went upstairs and prayed to know if leaving was okay. It felt like I was in a fog, but there was a tiny conduit of light streaming through to me. Through that bit of light, I felt Heavenly Father's support and although I was trembling, I left that day.

My parents said I was like a cowering puppy—scared, nervous, hypersensitive. I told them everything...finally. It lifted burdens I didn't even know were there. Two weeks later, Matt and I met with the bishop and then with a marriage counselor, to no avail. After two hours with the bishop, wherein the bishop told him that he had a "steel cage around his heart," I felt prompted to ask Matt if pornography had been involved in the recent years. He said, "Yes, but that doesn't have anything to do with this!" He was furious that I had left him and tried countless manipulative and bullying tactics to try and get me back under his control.

After a couple months, Matt had calmed down so this time his manipulation was sugar-coated and it is only through many Priesthood blessings, fasting, talking it out with my family and the bishop, studying _The Book of Mormon_ every day, attending the temple consistently, learning about and implementing boundaries, and pleading for the gift of discernment that I was able to see clearly—to see that remaining in this marriage would slowly, but surely, destroy me and my children.

This was a very dark time. It was better than the marriage because I finally had a full measure of the Spirit in my heart and home, but Satan was stronger than ever, too. Some days, the only time when I didn't feel sick to my stomach or weighed down with darkness and guilt was when I was reading _The Book of Mormon_. This book became my life preserver and my light. Today, years later, my days are full of light and joy. I can look back and see that I did the right thing, but at the time, it was horrifying to go through the decision and then the process of divorce. I am grateful that the bishop and my family did not tell me what to do. They listened to me and they loved me, but they encouraged me to seek personal revelation. This quote was helpful for me at this time:

"You can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experiences with the Lord in any situation you are in. Indeed, you can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experiences with the Lord in the most miserable experiences of your life—in the worst settings, while enduring the most painful injustices, when facing the most insurmountable odds and opposition you have ever faced" (Jeffrey R. Holland, "Lessons Learned From Liberty Jail," September 2009).

I did tell Matt that I would return to him if he would begin the church's twelve-step addiction-recovery program and show real behavioral change over a period of months, but he and his parents thought this request was too demanding. And it probably was. I don't think Matt was capable of that at that time. My family was relieved. But Matt and his parents blamed me, accused me of breaking my covenants by leaving, and were shocked that I was going through with a divorce. They felt that Matt should have all his rights. I disagreed. Thus began a long divorce. I knew that I needed the Lord's help as I went through this, especially with the court process, so I was careful to stay close to the Spirit and pray about each decision. This wasn't about hurting Matt or getting revenge. It was a sad situation all around and my greatest desire was to bring about the best possible circumstances for our children. I knew that only Heavenly Father knew what that was so I trusted in Him to lead my path.

Matt's problem, according to him, was just risqué material online every few months with masturbation. He said it began with his brother's hidden porn magazines and masturbation at age fifteen and that he knew it was wrong. He repented and went on a mission, but after arriving home, he slipped up fairly quickly. Some have wondered if such low frequency and low level pornography is really "addiction." I personally feel it is addiction if the user has tried to quit repeatedly and can't, if they are hiding it year after year, and if it becomes their emotional escape when something negative occurs in their life. This was the case with Matt. I feel sadness for what he went through growing up, especially at the hands of an abusive older brother who developed many addictions in his teen years. I believe Matt's family is still coping with this brother's behavior (and now other siblings' behavior) with codependent denial, covering up, and blame. I remember being in this frame of mind myself so I try to have empathy and think, "Their viewpoint is as true for them as mine is for me." This helps me be more forgiving and less judgmental.

Matt was not neglecting me sexually, trying anything kinky, having affairs, acting out illegally, etc. But it was not a healthy sexual relationship. He was obsessed with sex: every joke, every touch, every thought. Matt constantly told me this was how all men were and I had no real way of knowing otherwise, having never been in a sexual relationship before. I liked physical intimacy and I wanted to be "one" with my husband so I went along with this hyper-sexual life, although it felt empty to have marriage essentially be only about sex. By the end of our marriage, the only time he would tell me I was beautiful or treat me kindly was when I was naked; I felt like an object.

There was no emotional connection, no _real_ intimacy, no true respect or enduring tenderness. When our children were born, experiences which should be bonding and sweet, it seemed that he became even more emotionally absent, as if the emotional intensity was too much for him. In _The Drug of the New Millennium: The Brain Science behind Internet Pornography Use_ , Mark Kastleman explains that while past generations have had homes with physically-absent fathers, today's generation will have homes with emotionally-absent fathers—because of Internet pornography.

Matt would often come home from work, eat dinner, and then hole up in his room or the bathtub to read for hours, ignoring me and the children. This added to my stress as I felt I had no help or support at home. If I asked him to do a small thing for me or for our kids, he would find some way to make me pay (like agreeing to watch the kids while I went for a jog, but then just letting them scream in their cribs the entire time so I wouldn't ask again—which I didn't).

There was a complete lack of spiritual intimacy. He found excuses to not go to the temple, so I would get sitters and go without him. On a couple of occasions, he said the most spiritual thing he could do on Sunday was take a nap and then he would stay home from church. He read his scriptures on his own just a few times our whole marriage though he often quoted scriptures to show off. He did lead couple scripture reading, but it was a quick column each with no discussion. If I tried to talk about the gospel or invite more of the Spirit in some way, he would close off. He once asked what I wanted for a birthday present and I told him I would like to read and discuss the scriptures together, maybe share our testimonies. He scoffed at me and then got angry because he said I was trying to "force" him to be spiritual. And he never did it. It was confusing, however, because he was self-righteous about reverent actions at church, not swearing, not watching R-rated movies, etc...and because he was often fun, friendly, and helpful in public.

One interesting thing I noticed is that his testimony of roles weakened as his sins and his selfishness progressed. We started our marriage on the same page concerning family roles—just what the Proclamation on the Family says—but by the end, he had lost respect for these roles. He still put on the outward appearance, but in private he criticized me, saying that I had it too easy as a stay-at-home mom and that going to the library and the park with our children was not useful to our family. I felt disrespected. Half the time, it felt like he wished he could be single again and not have to be a husband and father.

But there are many factors involved here. My ex-husband was not just exhibiting symptoms of a porn-user or addict. He was diagnosed with depression just after I left him and told he would probably have to take medication for life (my LDS counselor said that men who use porn are often self-medicating their depression), but after hearing the details of his behavior, my counselor said it sounded like he might have some form of bipolar disorder. This runs in his family and he has many of the symptoms (Doctor Jekyll/Mr. Hyde mood swings, poorly-judged and reckless financial transactions, addictions, suicidal thoughts, sleep difficulties, depression, poor temper control, grudge-holding). It is tricky because the pride cycle, the abuse cycle, and the addiction cycle all resemble the bipolar cycle in my opinion. I do not know the full truth of Matt's trials, but for those reading this, it may be helpful to explore mental illness.

I went to five sessions of counseling and then my counselor told me it would be okay to stop since I was headed in the right direction. It was helpful to have someone listen without judgment. I felt loved which helped my self-esteem and relieved me of some burdensome guilt so I sincerely recommend counseling. I studied a lot on my own, too. I prayed that Heavenly Father would lead me to the websites, articles, books, and people that He wanted me to learn from. At first I focused on pornography: _Confronting Your Spouse's Pornography Problem_ , _Confronting Pornography_ , conference talks, etc. Then I skimmed _Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men_ and _Ten Days to Self-Esteem_ and also read about post-traumatic stress disorder, traumatic bonding, battered person's syndrome, bipolar disorder, and codependency. When my divorce was final, I read _Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man_ and _Choosing Glory_ which gave me tools and hope so I was not so scared to date again. But the greatest resources have been _The Book of Mormon_ and the current conference talks. These words have brought me the best guidance and healing.

Matt has become a better father since the divorce. He takes our kids to parks, reads to them, does chores and service with them, takes them to church, calls them, and so on. There has been peace between us for a couple years now and I feel that is because of boundaries. In the beginning this meant that I would only communicate with him if he was respectful. It took a couple years of continuously referring him to our attorneys because he would not be fair or polite, but now he is. He still sometimes uses power and control with our children, however, so I have to be firm with the boundaries that protect them. I must stay physically healthy, emotionally stable, and spiritually in tune so I can parent my children in this unknown territory, but that is what life and parenting are all about anyway! Sometimes it is a great burden as I must now provide financially, be the spiritual leader in our home, and tend to extra emotional needs on top of what a mother usually does. However, any one day of this current life is better than any one day of that marriage. So I am grateful.

And last year, in a Priesthood blessing, the Lord told me that Matt also wants good things for our kids, that I will be able to find a way to work together, and that our children will not have the issues that children of divorce often have. And they will love the gospel! I do my best to secure this blessing. And so far our children are well-adjusted, happy, and loving the gospel. I pray for Matt, put his name in the temple, and hope the best for his future.

I agreed to share my story in this book so that it might help someone, but my current goal is to stop thinking and talking about the negative parts of the past and to look for the good in Matt. That does not mean forgetting the lessons I have learned or becoming vulnerable to abuse again. Nor does it mean that it was wrong to spend the past couple years processing the pain. On the contrary, I believe I was finally dealing with my trauma in a healthy way by allowing myself to experience and express the grief. But now I am ready to move on. I want to forgive and forget so I can trust and love again.

I have many weaknesses that added to this difficult marriage, but I have come to believe what the bishop said to me when I was taking on unnecessary guilt for its dissolution. He said that we all have weaknesses, but that mine were not outside the bonds of a covenant marriage. Of course, I have still worked on these weaknesses these past few years and it has been liberating to recognize my unhealthy patterns of behavior and attraction. I'm still "in recovery" myself and striving to turn these weaknesses into strengths.

In the aforementioned Priesthood blessing, the Lord also told me I will be blessed to develop a strong relationship and marry a man in the temple who will be a good father to my children. I exercise my faith and works to this end. It has been eye-opening and healing to me to discover men with past or current pornography problems who are humble and honest about it, as well as men without patterns of pornography use or masturbation in their lives.

I have learned how to raise my children so that they can be healthy, free, and loving, even in this pornified, addicted world. I actually believe this is the life situation that their spirits need in order to be the best and happiest they can be, should they choose. It may sound odd, but my little family is turning out better than I could have planned _because_ of this trial! It has made our hearts soft and our faith strong. I do not get the luxury of shielding my children from many negative aspects of reality, so I have had to "let go" earlier than most mothers that I know. I have learned that I can only teach them the tools of resilience and faith and then trust them to God. We lean on each other and we lean on the Lord. I would not trade this for anything.

I feel that I have escaped from bondage because of my Savior's grace. I have regained my dignity, my identity, and my freedom. This is a miracle to me. I pray for the Atonement to continue to heal my sorrows, supply my faith, and keep me free from _every_ kind of bondage. I want eternal life with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ so I rejoice in the polishing that requires. I love the Lord and His plan. I know He walks beside us through this short, tempestuous life. I know He will help us if we ask Him. I know He loves us and wants us to come home. And I know it will all be worth it!

"The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude" (Ensign, "Come What May, and Love It," Joseph B. Wirthlin, Nov. 2008).

* * * *

Lily

Heavenly Father often prepares us for the storms that come in our lives, strengthening us with His love. Right before my own personal hurricane hit, the Lord blessed me to recognize His hand in answering my prayers and softening the hearts of loved ones. I recorded an everyday miracle in my journal and wrote a final paragraph expressing my love for my husband and family: "Last thing—I love Joe so very much. I am so happy with our relationship right now—I absolutely treasure him and feel so unworthy of his great love. Again I praise my Heavenly Father for blessing me with such an incredible husband, wonderful children, and exceptional friends, siblings, and parents. I really do see miracles each day."

The next day the storm hit with a ferocity that challenged the illusions and realities of my life and forced me to cling to the rock of my Savior, Jesus Christ. My husband came home from work more depressed, discouraged, and weighed down than I had ever seen him and it kind of scared me. My concern made him feel worse rather than better and he warned me that he had something terrible to tell me. After we got the kids to bed he finally told me that he'd just listened to a talk on pornography from the _Ensign_. It said that married men who struggle with a pornography addiction should confess to their wives and their bishops to begin the repentance process.

Joe then tearfully admitted that he had struggled with pornography on and off for nine of our twelve years of marriage. It was especially bad when he traveled for business, but he also confessed to viewing it from each of our three homes since our BYU apartment. He tried to repent numerous times and had experienced several periods of freedom, but he repeatedly slipped back into the addiction. Until listening to the _Ensign_ talk, he thought I didn't need to know since in his mind it had nothing to do with me. He likewise rationalized that it wasn't serious enough to confess to the bishop.

But on this night, the Spirit prompted Joe to truly begin the repentance process. I could hardly believe what he said since he treated me like a queen and told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world. We had a good marriage, though were not as emotionally close as I wanted to be and I resented the many hours he spent playing video games.

I was shocked and felt terribly betrayed, but in those first few hours the Spirit helped me react with compassion rather than with revulsion, anger, or self-pity (and a whole other slew of emotions that were unfortunately on their way). I assured Joe that I loved him, that my whole world revolved around him, and that I truly believed that he could become clean through the power of the Atonement.

The Lord also blessed me to see that we had spiritually weakened ourselves by neglecting prayer as a couple, scripture study, and regular temple attendance. During the first few years of our marriage we had prayed together each night, but we drifted out of the habit when my husband began sporadically traveling for work. Though we usually said family prayer, it had been years since we had prayed together as a couple. The thought came to me forcefully that we needed to pray together each day, no matter what. Joe had also been hot or cold about his scripture study and recommitted himself to daily study. While at BYU we had attended the temple together each week, but distance prevented us from attending regularly when we left Provo. We had recently moved close to a temple and we each committed to attend the temple each week.

In order to regain my trust, Joe also agreed to tell me every time he encountered pornography and to directly report his actions after each business trip. I was relieved that Joe had not directly lied to me about his problem—he just hadn't offered incriminating information. I also requested that we have a Priesthood blessing to re-dedicate our house to the Lord since it was disturbing that such an ugly evil had been invited into our home.

Before Joe confessed to me, he had spent a lot of time playing computer games late into the night which was usually when he got into trouble. We agreed to both go to bed together at the same time each night. He also had me choose an administrator password for our computer so he wouldn't be tempted to override the protections he'd installed. I was once curious about what he'd seen and was tempted to review the 'recently viewed sites' on our computer. A spirit of total darkness came over me, and I knew that the Lord did not want Joe or me to view pornography for any reason.

It was difficult, but Joe set up an appointment to see the bishop the very next day, and they continued to meet each week for the next few months. Our bishop was a huge source of strength and encouragement to Joe and Joe always came home from those visits humbled, yet inspired to be better.

I am so grateful to Heavenly Father for strengthening me that first night to help Joe when he needed me. This makes me sound like I was really rational and mature about the whole thing, but my own battle was just beginning. I began to question our entire relationship and was especially devastated to learn that he'd started his addiction after we were married. To make matters worse, I had struggled with post-partum depression for the past six months since our fourth baby was born and I suddenly began an intense battle with every insecurity or negative feeling I'd ever experienced. For the first three days after he told me, I wondered whether I would ever sleep again. On one of those first sleepless nights he woke up at 2:30 am and asked what he could do to help me sleep. I said, "Pray for me." He got out of bed, knelt by my side, and continued praying until I finally fell asleep. He gave me several Priesthood blessings and did many little things to reassure me of his love, even coming home from work when I was having a particularly rough day.

Joe felt so humiliated that I offered to keep the situation entirely between us, which was very difficult since I relied on my mom and sisters to deal with depression. Joe promised to talk with me whenever I needed to talk and though I wanted to quickly forgive and move on, I couldn't get over it. I must have announced that I was done talking about it twenty or thirty times over the next year. I would suffer silently until my emotions would erupt in another burst of tears and my husband would lovingly talk with me for hours into the night. At times he felt hopeless and that there was nothing he could ever do to restore my trust or convince me of his love, but when things felt black, we clung to our faith in the Atonement and to the knowledge that the Savior could help us both.

At the time I came up with an analogy that helped me see the way I was hurting myself by not forgiving (though it unfortunately didn't prevent it). I felt like I'd just undergone a major surgery to remove false illusions about my life, which I pictured as a glass heart. My illusions shattered on the ground and instead of patiently healing in bed, I was crawling around on the ground, trying to pick up the hundreds of shards of my illusions, letting them re-injure and hurt me again and again.

Though on a rational level I understood my desperate need to forgive and stop injuring myself by rehashing details, I fought depression every single day and regularly experienced emotional paralysis and aching emptiness as I struggled with my self-worth. I consistently prayed, studied the scriptures, and attended the temple. But even though I knew that the Lord would help both me and Joe, my deepening depression often prevented me from feeling the Lord's love. One night I decided to pray until the aching hollowness went away and I actually felt the Lord's love for me. It seemed like I was on my knees for hours, but no matter how much I plead, I just didn't feel better. I finally realized that the Lord wasn't going to answer my prayer exactly how I wanted. The aching loneliness did not go away, but Heavenly Father blessed me with a peaceful assurance in my mind that He did love me, even if my physical depression prevented me from feeling it.

But it really, really hurt and after several months of experiencing daily depression, I sometimes fought the temptation to purposely crash my car and end my life so the pain would go away. So many times I thought I had truly forgiven and could move on, but then I would slip back into negative emotions and start the struggle again. The bishop wisely told me that Joe couldn't possibly do enough at the time to make up for the pain and betrayal he had caused. But that I needed to trust the Savior and allow time to help the healing process.

I went to one counseling session with LDS social services, but was really stupid and quit because I didn't want to pay the $500 my treatment would require (though it surely would have been money well spent). After ten brutal months of suffering from post-partum depression, I finally started taking an anti-depressant so I could begin physically healing, but it was still many months before I felt the promised peace that forgiveness brings. Even when I couldn't feel hope, I reminded myself that Christ's Atonement could overcome this and that I just had to hold on and exercise faith.

I also clung to the beautiful words in Jacob 3:1-2 and did all I could to "look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith" so he could "console [me] in [my] afflictions." To me, having a firm mind meant consciously choosing to be grateful for the positive rather than dwelling on the negative. For example, I constantly caught myself mentally criticizing my body and my looks. I've seen enough supermodels with their clothes on to know there's a big difference between me and them. Whenever I criticized a physical feature, I tried to trace it to a family member and instead be grateful for the similarity. I'd say, "My square jaw comes from my mom and my grandfather and I feel honored to bear a physical resemblance to them, regardless of whether the world thinks that's beautiful." Instead of berating myself for the physical marks of motherhood, including my stretch marks, scars, and sagginess, I marveled at the amazing privilege it is to be a mother. Rather than criticizing myself for the way my body had aged, I tried to be grateful for each day Heavenly Father has given me to be on this earth.

Another thing I learned from Jacob is that it is "pleasing unto God" when women's "feelings are exceedingly tender and chaste and delicate before God" (Jacob 2:7). I reminded myself of this often so I wouldn't slip into bitterness and cynicism. One night Joe and I watched the BBC version of _Pride and Prejudice_. After seeing Darcy return to the room where Elizabeth had played the piano to gaze lovingly at her memory, I light-heartedly said that most women love this movie because deep down, we all want some guy to love us enough to come back in the room and remember us. Joe sincerely said, "I do that with you." Rather than accept the compliment, my first thought was, "Whatever. If I'm not there you spend your time lusting after 20 or 30 other naked women." Thoughts like this came to me hundreds of times in hundreds of different situations, but I didn't want them to—I wanted my feelings to be "tender and chaste and delicate before God." So I repeatedly bit my tongue and tried to accept compliments as gifts. I deliberately chose not to link everything to Joe's pornography problem. I reminded myself that his motives could be pure today even if they weren't last week or last year and to genuinely forgive.

It was emotionally difficult to be intimate with Joe after learning of the addiction. I felt like all the women from the pictures were in the room with us and I wondered what he was thinking or remembering. Ultimately, I realized that I simply could not control his thoughts; my only influence was over what I was thinking and feeling. I could worry and be resentful or I could think the kinds of loving thoughts I hoped he was thinking about me. How many times during intimacy was I mentally somewhere else—worrying about my upcoming day or biding my time so I could get some sleep? This helped me realize something else—just as I want Joe to love me with all his heart and not have adulterous thoughts, the Lord wants my 100% commitment to Him without any longings for worldly things or for my own 'favorite sins' and weaknesses.

I eventually forced myself to stop reopening a wound that simply could not heal if I kept talking about it. I worried that if Joe had a relapse I would unleash the rage and accusation I felt, but combatted those thoughts by visualizing myself acting as the Savior would with forgiveness and compassion. Whenever I was filled with anger or blame, I remembered my own weaknesses and sins and that I need the Savior just as much as my husband does. I focused on the absolute hope that the Savior is more powerful than all evil, and that through His Atonement my husband and I could both become clean and return to live with our Heavenly Father.

As Joe and I continued to improve our marriage and better understand one another, our love for each other deepened in a whole new level. I had always thought of Joe as a rock (for lack of a better analogy) since he was so stable and strong—never seeming to have problems but always there for me when I was struggling or worried. This experience helped him share his own weaknesses and struggles rather than always having to be the strong one. We identified our needs and realized that physical intimacy was his first priority while emotional intimacy was mine. We were caught in a vicious cycle—the less emotionally connected I felt, the less I wanted to be physically close, but the less physically close we were the less he wanted to be emotionally close. As we worked through some of these feelings, we drew so much closer to each other and learned to better meet each other's needs.

I also learned to more fully support every effort my husband makes to do what is right. Like most LDS men, Joe has served in callings that demand time away from home and in the past, I struggled to support him (especially when he left me home with young children while he spent a week at Scout Camp.) I even subtly dissuaded him from intensely studying the scriptures, since a half an hour of study time seemed excessive when I felt totally starved for his attention. I now more genuinely support any effort he makes to fortify himself with the Spirit. I am also more vocal about having my emotional needs met so I'm not whiny and resentful when I don't get the attention I need.

As we worked together and turned to the Lord for strength, a miracle occurred. It has been six years since that night when the Spirit prompted Joe to confess and he is free of the addiction that claimed nine years of his life. He has kept his promise to report to me after each business trip and so far he has not exposed himself to pornography again. Being accountable to me and to our bishop has helped him to completely forsake the sin.

We pray together as a couple every night and regularly pray over the phone when Joe is out of town. He reads the scriptures every day and attends the temple almost every week, knowing how much he needs to fill his mind with purity. The Lord has forgiven him and has applied His Atonement to "make weak things become strong" unto him.

Equally miraculous, the Lord has answered my fervent pleas to forgive, and has truly healed me through His love. Our marriage is stronger and our love for each other and the Savior is deeper because we went through this experience. Though it has taken time to rebuild trust, we actually trust each other more now than we did before Joe's confession because there's no illusion that we have to be perfect to love and support one another. Our trust is entirely centered in the Savior, Jesus Christ, and we know that we can get through anything with His love and with the healing balm of the Atonement.

Even though this was very difficult for me, I know that my 'storm' was a light drizzle in comparison with the tsunamis many amazing women face and my heart aches for those whose stories don't have such happy endings. But I testify that the healing power of the Atonement is real and is available to us all as we continually turn to our Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ in faith.

* * * *

For Those Who Struggle

1. Be patient with yourself. He loves you no matter what you have done. Love yourself and realize your bonds will not come undone overnight. Realize that you will need to _do new and different things_ if you want to _see new and different results_. Be willing. Be humble. Be honest.

2. Get a mentor. This is research-proven. You need to talk about this struggle and have someone to account to. This eBook has shown how bishops and wives can help with this. But keep in mind that your wife is also in crisis (now that you've told her, which we hope you do) so she cannot be your all. Twelve-step programs have mentors. The Candeo program assigns you an online mentor. The Lifestar program emphasizes mentoring. And there are counselors and therapists. Open up and start talking now!

3. Get educated. Overcoming is not about just avoiding the Internet. You've probably tried that and it didn't work. This also is not about sex. You are no longer looking at porn or masturbating because you want sex and lack self-control. Maybe it began that way, but your problem goes deeper now. There is a pathway in your brain that you need to change. There are emotional difficulties that you need to address. Learn the "brain science" behind this. Read one of the books suggested in this eBook and show the Lord you are serious! Of course it will still be helpful to set rules about your bedtime and computer hours and to get an Internet protection service, but those things alone will not cut it!

4. Journal it. Graph it. We know it sounds painful and scary to go back and relive the last time you viewed something inappropriate. And then write it down on paper?! You do not want to feel that shame again. You think that if you do not ever think about it, it will go away. And you especially do not want to think inappropriate thoughts so why would you intentionally conjure up the last time? Because you need to uncover the pattern if you are ever going to change the pattern! So pretend you are a scientist and think back objectively: What were you feeling? Lonely? Stressed? Down? Try to pinpoint the negative feelings you had at that time. This is your trigger, maybe one of a few. Now make a plan for resolving this trigger. What healthy coping skill will you use to deal with this negative feeling next time? Prayer? Exercise? Calling your mentor? All the above?! Get to know yourself! Especially those dark places you have avoided for a long time now. You may need anti-depressants. It is possible that you had depression or anxiety and did not realize it, so you turned to something, anything, to help you feel better. And then it became this pattern. Medication may increase your ability to conquer.

5. Join a 12-step group, get started on a program, or get a therapist. There are so many resources and they can all be helpful. Seek the Lord's guidance to know what will work best with your personality and your situation, but DO SOMETHING MORE and something different than what you have already done. (Which you may actually be doing by reading this, so great job!) Keep moving forward with faith and He will help you find peace and freedom.

6. Study _The Book of Mormon_ every day. This is your shield. Make it your ultimate priority. This book will arm you with virtue, lead your path, answer your questions, and give you hope. It was written for you for right now and it will bring you closer to Christ.

We recognize that our world has been ambushed by the Internet. Couple that with the naiveté of past generations and we know there are currently many wonderful people struggling with pornography. You can help us change that. Be a latter-day pioneer! Work with us on the dusty frontier so that future generations can plow the rich soil of recovery. We envision a future where our education, compassion, and communication are such that our posterity gets to live their lives unfettered by the chains of pornography.

You are a valuable child of God. He loves you. The Atonement of Jesus Christ can heal you completely. It can heal your marriage. It can lead you to a healthy relationship and you can have a loving eternal family. Everything you want is possible.

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For Those Who Want to Help

We desperately need your education, compassion, and communication. The men who struggle and the women who support them sometimes believe that the life you lead is impossible. They need your faith, your example, and your friendship. Most likely you have no idea, but it could be your son, brother, spouse, roommate, or the couple you home teach. Please strive to be the loving kind of person they might open up to and not feel judged by.

Go to your children and tell them that if they have any problems with pornography and/or masturbation or if they ever feel tempted, they can come to you and you will help them. Do not shame them or become angry. Let them know that you love them. Then get educated! Read something from the resource list in this eBook. Pray for guidance and understanding.

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Resource List

Candeo program: http://candeohealthysexuality.com

 Hold on to Hope: Help for LDS Addicts and Their Families

LDS Addiction Recovery Program:  http://www.providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,6629-1-3414-1,00.html

LDS Combating Pornography: <https://www.lds.org/topics/pornography?lang=eng>

Lifestar program: <http://lifestarnetwork.org/index.html>

Books

Great list here:  http://newlifehabits.com/2007/08/18/top-ten-books-that-helped-me-overcome-addiction/

_An Affair of the Mind_ by Laurie Hall

_Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success_ by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, David Maxfield, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

_Choosing Glory_ by Lili D. Anderson

_Co-dependent No More_ by Melody Beattie

_Confronting Pornography: A Guide to Prevention and Recovery for Individuals, Loved Ones, and Leaders_ by Mark D. Chamberlain, Daniel D. Gray, and Rory C. Reid

_Confronting Your Spouse's Pornography Problem_ by Rory C. Reid and Dan Gray

_Dating Game Secrets For Marrying a Good Man_ by Alisa Goodwin Snell

_Eve and the Choice Made in Eden_ by Beverly Campbell

_He Restoreth My Soul: Understanding and Breaking the Chemical and Spiritual Chains of Pornography through the Atonement of Jesus Christ_ by Donald L. Hilton Jr.

_Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men_ by Lundy Bancroft

_Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity_ by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer

_The Drug of the New Millennium: The Brain Science Behind Internet Pornography Use_ by Mark B. Kastleman

_The Miracle of Forgiveness_ by Spencer W. Kimball

General Conference Talks

 Place No More For The Enemy of My Soul by Jeffrey R. Holland

 Pornography) by Dallin H. Oaks

 Pornography: The Deadly Carrier by Thomas S. Monson

 Power to Overcome Pornography by Boyd K. Packer

If you wish to contact any of these authors, please connect with us at: <https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/virtue>
