

**Pixel-Stained: a documentary memoir of the electronic publishing revolution in gay genre fiction**

**FAN FICTION FAN**   
**_Dusk Peterson_**

**With contributions by**

**_mdbl_**   
**_Steve Berman_**   
**_J.M. Snyder_**   
**_Emily Veinglory_**

**Love in Dark Settings Press**   
**Greenbelt, Maryland**

Published by Love in Dark Settings Press in Greenbelt, Maryland, in the United States of America. Smashwords edition.

Writings and art by mdbl are copyright (c) 2000, 2001, 2013 mdbl. Writings by Steve Berman are copyright (c) 1998, 2001, 2013. Writings by J.M. Snyder are copyright (c) 2002, 2008, 2010, 2013. Writings by Emily Veinglory are copyright (c) 2002, 2013.

All other text is copyright (c) 2002, 2013 Dusk Peterson. The author's policies on sharing, derivative works, and fan works are available online (duskpeterson.com/copyright.htm).
**CONTENTS**

=== _Front matter_ ===

**List of illustrations**.

=== _Fan Fiction Fan_ ===

A decade before e-books and self-publishing shook up the publishing industry, an author faced a dilemma: When you've written stories in a genre that is rarely published, what do you do?

0 | **Introduction**.

1 | **Stumbling Across the Fan Fiction Community, and Diving in Headfirst**.

_Interlude & fiction_ | **Tropes**. With excerpts from _The Fool_ , _Life Prison_ , and _Tops and Sops_.

2 | **Discovering the Joys of Fan Mail and Cons**.

_Interlude & art_ | **Headers**. With an illustration.

3 | **Warnings and Websites**.

_Interlude & art_ | **What Was Happening in the World of Original Yaoi Publishing during 2002**. _By mdbl, founder of_ Private Parlor _._ With illustrations.

4 | **A New** ** _Star Wars_** **Film Comes Out, and the Fanficcers Go Wild**.

_Interlude & fiction_ | **What Was Happening in the World of Gay Speculative Fiction Publishing during 2002**. _By Steve Berman, founder of Lethe Press._ With a story from _Trysts_.

5 | **Discussions of Litslash and Disabilities**.

_Interlude & fiction_ | **What Was Happening in the World of Original Slash Publishing during 2002**. _By J.M. Snyder, founder of JMS Books._ With an excerpt from _Operation Starseed_.

6 | **The World of Darkfic is Explored**.

_Interlude & fiction_ | **What Was Happening in the World of M/M Romance Publishing during 2002**. _By Emily Veinglory, founder of the website_ Erotic Romance _._ With an excerpt from _Alas, the Red Dragon_.

7 | **Grumbles About the Lack of Original Slash, Mere Days Before That Subgenre Takes Off**.

=== _More from_ Pixel-Stained ===

**_Original Slash Zine Writer_** **(excerpt)**. A preview of the next _Pixel-Stained_ memoir.

=== _Back matter_ ===

**Credits**.

**Publication history**.

**Author's website, blog, e-mail list, and contact information**.

**Other e-books by Dusk Peterson**.
**LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS**

**ConneXions 2002 slash convention memorabilia**.

**Cover art for the November 2001 issue of** ** _Cream and Chrysanthemums_** **, by mdbl**.

**Drawing by mdbl for** ** _Charm_** **, originally published in Umbrella Studios's** ** _Anthology 01_** **(2000)**.

**Drawing by mdbl for** ** _Charm_**.

(The cover art for this e-book also features a drawing by mdbl for _Charm_.)

o--o--o   
o--o--o   
o--o--o
=== _Fan Fiction Fan_ ===

"The market for ebooks has simply not developed the way we hoped."

-- _The Guardian_ , reporting in January 2002 on how Time Warner had closed its e-book publishing venture, after losing thirteen million dollars.

o--o--o

Number of stories posted at _Fanfiction.net_ in March 2002: 402,223.

Number of original (non-fan) stories posted at _Fanfiction.net_ in March 2002: 92,862.

Number of fan-fiction and original-fiction websites listed at the _Slash Page Database Project_ in April 2002: 1812.

--Sources: Mary Ellen Curtin's "Fanfiction.net Statistics Tables" and an _Internet Archive_ cache of Minotaur's _Slash Page Database Project_.

**_Zero Post_**   
**INTRODUCTION**

This memoir, which I hope will be the first in a series of memoirs on the electronic publishing of gay genre fiction, takes readers into the world of the fan fiction community, which I stumbled across at the beginning of 2002. Specifically, the memoir takes readers into the slash fiction community, which is devoted to gay fan fiction, and occasionally lesbian fan fiction. (The word "slash" refers in fan fiction to the slash between the names of the two characters being paired, such as Kirk/Spock. As that pairing reveals, characters who are slashed together are usually heterosexual in the original canon.)

Much of slash fiction consists of genre fiction: science fiction, fantasy, romance, mysteries, and other genres. At the time that I entered the fan fiction community, professionally published gay genre fiction was relatively rare, although the novels and stories that made it into print (or into the occasional e-zine or e-book) were read and celebrated by fans.

Although I didn't know it in early 2002, I was entering a community that was on the cusp of a revolution. The fan fiction world, which had quietly existed for decades, was about to help bring about the electronic publishing revolution at the end of the first decade of the new millennium. Within a few years, a number of writers from the fan fiction community would be among the first authors to receive commercial success in e-book format (usually through their original works, although a few of them rewrote their fan fiction as original writings). Other fanficcers would be published by presses that issued print-on-demand paperbacks. And a few - myself included - would become part of the massive wave of self-publishing that challenged the publishing industry.

This memoir, which reprints my e-mails and posts and other documents from early 2002, shows the seeds of that revolution sprouting forth. It shows a community where readers and writers were using the Internet to exchange works that professional publishers could not or would not publish. It is that community's participation in the e-publishing revolution which my memoir series describes, as well as its interaction with other literary communities that produce gay genre fiction.

**Two genre paths**

There are two main paths in the development of gay genre fiction publishing in the twenty-first century. One path arises from within the LGBT community and the speculative fiction community; it would lead to the founding in 1986 of the LGBT community's Gaylactic Network and the founding by Steve Berman in 2001 of Lethe Press, devoted to gay and lesbian science fiction, fantasy, and horror. (LGBT mystery is another strong publishing tradition, but that community of readers and writers has been less well organized than the LGBT speculative fiction community.)

The other path arises from within the fan fiction community, which has created stories in a variety of genres. This path would lead to the arrival, in the middle of the first decade of the twenty-first century, of a new publishing genre: m/m romance.

The division between these two gay genre-fiction publishing traditions is primarily one of gender, though sexual orientation has also played a role. Members of the first gay genre-fiction community are mainly gay men; members of the second community are mainly women of a variety of sexual orientations, including heterosexual. Differences in writing styles have also played a role, though not as strongly as one might imagine.

(For more on the much-discussed topic of slashers' sexual orientations, I recommend Melannen's 2010 analysis of informal polls and surveys on slashers' sexuality. Her summary of her findings: "[Ten] polls, in a variety of slash subfandoms from the late-teens yaoi set to the mid-thirties meta fans set, dates ranging over 7 years. Only two polls had less than 50% queer participants, and one of them [was] the earliest one, and even they were at 37% and 47%. The median percent of queer participants was 59.7%, and the mean was 60.8%. . . . _The majority of slashers identify as queer._ " The notion that slash reading and writing are exclusively heterosexual activities is similarly challenged by Eden Lackner, Barbara Lynn Lucas, and Robin Anne Reid in their 2006 essay "Cunning Linguists: The Bisexual Erotics of _Words/Silence/Flesh_ ," which appears in _Fan Fiction and Fan Communities in the Age of the Internet: New Essays_ , edited by Karen Hellekson and Kristina Busse, as well as by Alexis Lothian, Kristina Busse, and Robin Anne Reid in "'Yearning Void and Infinite Potential': Online Slash Fandom as Queer Female Space," which appears in the Fall/Winter 2007 issue of _English Language Notes_. Not as much recent research has been done on the genders and gender identities of slashers, though it should be noted that there have existed several organizations for male slashers and at least one organization for transgender slashers. The diversity of slashers - and their professional-fiction cousins, m/m readers and writers - tend to be ignored by academics and journalists who write about slash and m/m fiction. In two notorious cases in 2009 and 2010, journalists for the _LA Weekly_ and _Out Magazine_ interviewed several writers of m/m fiction, including three bisexual writers who described themselves in the articles as dealing with gender-identity issues; both journalists described slash and m/m fiction as genres written by heterosexual women.)

Although I've included in this volume a reminiscence by Steve Berman, I don't say a great deal in this memoir series about the gay speculative fiction community because - due to various factors - I had little contact with that community during the time period I'm writing about, although, like other readers of slash fiction, I was keenly aware of its existence. For the most part, this memoir series deals with the development of "original slash" and m/m romance. The series explores the question of why aspiring professional slash writers, who were writing in many different genres and submitting to various genre-fiction publishers, ended up almost exclusively in the romance publishing community. To a certain extent, the answer to that question is linked to the development of electronic publishing.

**Some cautions**

This memoir is from my own, narrow point of view. In 2002, I took part in a specific portion of the fan fiction world: the so-called "darkfic" community, where stories deal with dark topics, such as slavery or imprisonment. Although darkfic and its related cousin "hurt/comfort" are popular within fandom, many other types of stories are written and enjoyed by readers in the fan fiction community.

Moreover, I'm a writer of genre fiction - specifically, fantasy, historical fantasy, science fiction, and love stories - and so my tale inevitably centers on genre fiction. Contemporary fiction, although mentioned, gets less notice in this memoir.

As a writer of "original slash" - the fan fiction term for original stories about male/male and female/female attraction that include tropes which are common in fan fiction - my interests have been somewhat different from the interests of the vast majority of fan fiction writers. This book is entitled _Fan Fiction Fan_ , not so much because I was reading tons of fan fiction during this time (although I certainly was), but because the book is about fan fiction _culture_ , which extends even to original-fiction readers and writers within fandom. Some aspects of fan fiction culture, however, are only applicable to the writing of fan fiction, and since I've written very little fan fiction, I wasn't exposed as much to those parts of fandom.

On the other hand, this story is from my own, broad point of view. I came into the fan fiction world as a writer of history articles and journalism, and the fiction I had written wasn't always gay. To this day, I consider myself a multi-genre author who takes part in various literary communities; my participation in those other communities will be shown in later volumes of this memoir series.

As a result, my perspective differs from the perspective of someone whose literary activities are confined to the fan fiction community. I was constantly comparing fan fiction to other forms of literature, and my posts and e-mails reveal this. Fan fiction folk more often think about their literature in terms of media studies, because fan fiction's unique characteristic is the way in which it transforms popular media. There's very little talk of that in my own posts and e-mails; my own interests were primarily focussed on literature and ethics.

The topic of sexuality is inevitable in the slash community, for the sexual desires of slash characters - their gay feelings - is what separates them from most characters in mainstream media and literature (though less so in the 2010s than when I first arrived in the slash community). Sexuality is always a sensitive topic, and some of the subjects discussed in the fan fiction community are especially sensitive. Readers from outside the fan fiction community should be aware that fan fiction readers tend to discuss and debate sensitive topics fairly candidly, as this memoir reveals.

Ethics is another common topic among fanficcers; indeed, the lively discussions on literary ethics and the ethics of characters' behavior was one of the things that drew me into the fan fiction community. Not surprisingly - given that so many fanficcers are women - ethical discussions on gender issues are especially popular, as well as discussions of the treatment of minorities, such as the disabled.

I should emphasize that the opinions expressed in the posts and e-mails are my own - or rather, were my own at the time that I expressed them. My views on certain topics have developed as time goes on, and posts and e-mails tend to encourage off-the-cuff remarks that may or may not stand up to prolonged scrutiny. Nothing that I say in these posts or e-mails should be regarded as the final word.

**Some terminology**

I've used the terms "gay," "homoerotic," "slash," and "male/male" (m/m) interchangeably in this memoir. That reflects my own particular bias, but it also reflects the fact that, at the time this memoir begins, m/m romance did not yet exist as a publishing category. There was slash fiction (almost entirely fan fiction), there was amateur gay fiction, and there was professional gay fiction. When the term m/m was used in the fan fiction community, it was usually in reference to slash (although amateur erotica readers had long used that term to refer to gay erotica).

All other terms which might be unfamiliar to some readers I've defined within the text itself.

**About permissions and editing**

Except for the names mentioned in the acknowledgments, or the names of public figures, all names in this volume are invented, in order to protect the privacy of individuals who were often writing for members-only e-mail lists. I haven't quoted anyone else's posts or e-mails in this e-book, although I've sometimes briefly summarized remarks I was responding to, in order to make my own remarks coherent. (In the original texts, I followed the usual online practice of quoting from the posts and e-mails I replied to.)

The posts and e-mails published here are often taken from my first drafts; minor changes would have been made to the finished writings. I'm not one of those people who carefully proofreads before posting or e-mailing, and while I do give all my posts and e-mails a light copyedit, my editing abilities were sometimes limited in 2002 because of eye difficulties. So I've taken the opportunity to make minor copyediting corrections that I would have made in 2002 if I'd known that those writings would end up being published some day. However, since this memoir series is about Internet communities, I've retained features - such as "smiley faces" - that would normally occur only in ephemeral writings.

All curly-bracketed words and phrases in the text are my current-day commentary.

I've edited and cut the posts and e-mails fairly extensively for the sake of clarifying context, preserving privacy, saving space, and focussing on specific topics. The original posts and e-mails tended to ramble, or to go off in directions likely to be of interest only to the particular people I was talking to; I saw no reason to make readers of this e-book endure that.

Beyond that, I've made no changes, though sometimes reading through my old posts and e-mails makes me writhe a bit. These writings reflect what I was back then, however, and I think it's important to show my instinctive, somewhat naive excitement at finding myself in a literary community where so many interesting conversations and activities were taking place. Indeed, as I reread these posts and e-mails, I was often hit by pangs of nostalgia. The first few months of discovering a new literary community are always vibrant. I lived in a different, exciting world back then, yet it's a world that new readers plunge into every day. Perhaps someone reading this e-book will plunge into it too. I hope so.

**Acknowledgments**

I would like to thank Anne Blue, Mirna Cicioni, Maureen Lycaon, Ruthless, and Diana Williams for allowing me to mention their names or regular fandom nicknames in this memoir. I'd also like to thank Jedi Clara, Mirna Cicioni, Maureen Lycaon, and Diana Williams for allowing me to mention their writings and videos.

Steve Berman, mdbl, J.M. Snyder, and Emily Veinglory generously provided their reminiscences of portions of the gay genre fiction communities that I didn't participate in during early 2002, as well as samples of their art and fiction. April Valentine was nice enough to let me include memorabilia from ConneXions. Melannen politely gave me permission to quote from and link to the slash analysis post.

Karen Hellekson, co-editor of the Organization for Transformative Works's journal _Transformative Works and Culture_ , kindly offered me advice on privacy issues.

**A personal journey**

I need to end this introduction by emphasizing an important fact: I mention my stories in this memoir, I quote from them, and I discuss them at length with readers and fellow writers. It's tempting - from the point of view of retaining due humility - to eliminate all references to my stories. However, this is not an objective history, but a memoir: my own tale of what it was like to participate in a literary community. Part of my participation consisted of writing stories and discussing those stories with other people. If I left those passages out, I would be dropping half the tale, and could only describe what it's like to be a reader in the fan fiction community. Most fan fiction readers end up contributing stories to the fan fiction community, so in that respect, my journey as a writer in the fan fiction community was quite typical of what the average fan fiction fan undergoes.

By necessity, this memoir is slice-of-life; real lives, unlike fiction, don't come with convenient beginnings and endings (other than birth and death). Nonetheless, the period I am writing about does have a narrative arc. It was a time when I was growing more and more restless with the idea of staying in the slash closet - that is to say, of dividing my professional and fandom identities. It was also a time when I was becoming more and more eager to locate works of original slash. This first volume of the _Pixel-Stained_ series ends at the point where both those impulses reached their climax.

**_Chapter One_**   
**STUMBLING ACROSS THE FAN FICTION COMMUNITY, AND DIVING IN HEADFIRST**

**Slash**   
**_Letter to a friend, January 2002_**

I recently ran across two genres that are new to me. One is shonen ai manga, Japanese comics about boys falling in love with boys. They're written mainly by and for females. The American equivalent (which developed quite independently) is slash fiction, homoerotic fiction written mainly by and for females. It primarily takes the form of fan fiction that "slashes" previously heterosexual media characters; Kirk and Spock were the first slash couple.

**A wide-eyed newcomer**   
**_Post to a slash list, January 2002_**

I'm very new to slash and making my way gradually through this list's archives (only 2300 posts to go), so please excuse me if I make any obvious mistakes. At least I know enough by now not to ask what Q/O means. {Q/O refers to Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan, i.e. a story in which those two characters are romantically or sexually paired.}

I do have a beginner's question. I've been seeking out all of the Arthurian slash I can find, having fallen in love with the Arthurian tales long ago. Some of the Arthurian slash is marked "Fandom: Arthurian," but one site I visited treated Arthurian slash as original fiction.

Could the moderator here clarify whether, for the purposes of this list, Arthurian slash is considered fan fiction or original fiction?

**FIC: O Most Unthankful**   
**_Post to a slash list, January 2002_**

Okay, here's the first slash story I've ever written (or ever written down, anyway), so feel free to tear it apart; I love constructive criticism.

By the way, I know I've violated the list rules by not revealing the pairing. If there are any of you out there who want to know beforehand a particular Arthurian pairing, I do apologize. But to me, revealing beforehand the pairing in a multi-character story is like Malory starting _Le Morte d'Arthur_ by saying, "Morgause/Arthur, Arthur/Guenevere, Guenevere/Lancelot . . . Is there anything else you'd like to know?"

(Everyone's now saying, "Jeez, you've only been in the slash world for five minutes, and already you're causing trouble.")

**Re: FIC: O Most Unthankful**   
**_E-mail to a reader, January 2002_**

I must confess that one of my failings as a writer is that I'm completely incapable of doing prior research for a story. I did grab a nearby copy of _Everyday Life in Roman Britain_ in order to figure out the layout of the villa, and I did have to go back afterwards and see whether I got some of the background details right, such as which writing materials would have been used in Britain at that time ("What do you mean, scrolls were out of fashion by then?" I cried, and went back and rewrote the whole story { _O Most Unthankful_ }), but other than that, the "research" was just stuff I've picked up over the years. I'm glad it ended up sounding like more than that.

**New here (with some suggestions for slashable books)**   
**_Post to the Litslash list, January 2002_**

I've been delighted to find a list where everyone shares my refined, high-class taste in--

Well, okay, it was the _Goofus and Gallant_ slash that got me hooked to this list. Still, since my taste runs toward books, it's lovely to be here. I'm posting hereafter my first slash story (I just found the slash world recently).

Since I hate to start posting cold without an intro, I thought I'd mention that it's nice to find some older literature being slashed - I see _Moby Dick_ and _The Tempest_ over in the _Litslash_ archives, and there's also some Bible slash around and even some Greek mythology slash, though I would have thought that was the last genre that needed slashing, but that was before I read Dorothy's version of Cupid and Psyche.

So here's my humble contribution of titles that I think are just begging to be slashed.

1) _The Song of Roland_. While British authors were writing about knights courting fair ladies, French authors were writing about their David-and-Jonathan pair, Roland and Oliver. Here's a sample:

When Roland sees that Oliver is dead,   
Lying face downward stretched out against the ground,   
With tender words he bids his friend farewell:   
"Alas, companion! Your valor ends in woe.   
We were together so many years and days;   
You never wronged me, and I kept faith with you.   
Now you are dead, I grieve to be alive."

And then he faints. For heaven's sake, why hasn't this been slashed yet?

2) _The Golden Legend_. The Middle Age's best-selling collection of saints' tales. Lots of saints protecting their virginity, then dying in prolonged, lovingly described deaths. I can see plenty of potential here for _Boys in Chains_ material.

3) Dante's _Divine Comedy_. Permit me a sigh here; this is one of my favorites. What makes it an especially poignant tale is the growing friendship between Dante and Virgil, which is abruptly cut off at the end of the second book of the trilogy, because Virgil can't enter Heaven. Dante considers himself a student to Virgil, and he spends most of the first book making idiotic mistakes, while Virgil frowns and looks down upon him with icy dignity. But gradually Virgil thaws to Dante.

Now, of course, there's the minor difficulty that homosexuality is one of the sins being condemned in Hell and Purgatory. No prob; we'll just arrange for Dante and Virgil to have a brief but touching affair while they're in ring three of Hell's seventh circle (where Dante is already shown having a pleasant conversation with an old friend of his who's a sodomite); then Dante and Virgil can repent in time to enter Purgatory. Hey, the "Oops, I forgot it's a sin" device worked for Chaucer.

4) John Bunyan's _Pilgrim's Progress_. Well, goodness, surely Christian has time on his long journey to be tempted in _that_ direction.

5) John Milton's _Paradise Lost_. Adam. Satan. 'Nuff said.

**Slashers as fag hags**   
**_E-mail to a friend, January 2002_**

Well, yes, but fag hags don't usually get off on male homosexuality, do they?

Couldn't say what motivated Mary Renault, but there are a heck of a lot of female authors who feel more comfortable writing about male friendships than female ones - the phenomenon isn't confined to sex. The academics go crazy analyzing slash and shonen ai, and one of the reasons they give is that male-female relationships have long been such a failure. Though I think that Mark McClelland gave the best answer: "Why _shouldn't_ women enjoy reading about boys bonking?"

**Re: Slash Writer's Guide to Premodern Homosexuality**   
**_Post to a slash list, January 2002_**

Kerry, you asked about footnotes. I didn't really want to get into scholarly controversies in this article - like the endless debates over what the Roman laws were regarding homosexuality - so I basically just made my own judgment on which scholars were right. If I started footnoting everything, I think I'd have to end up writing passages such as, "K. J. Dover's contention that intercrural sex was the primary form of Greek homosexual behavior has been challenged in recent years by (list names and titles and page numbers and arguments). Dover's thesis, though, is supported by other scholars, such as . . ." and then on to another billion references, which would make it necessary for me to recheck all of the books I've read on this topic (which are more than I listed in the bibliography). I'd be willing to do it if I thought there was a strong interest from most slash writers over scholarly controversies, but I'm not sure there is.

But I'll be happy to discuss the article with anyone who loves academic debates.

The reason I didn't tackle premodern lesbianism in this article is because (1) I didn't feel qualified to do so, having read very little on the topic, and (2) from what little I've read, I gather that the history of female homosexuality is utterly different from the history of male homosexuality. Perhaps this will give me the incentive to research a sequel.

**The morality of erotica**   
**_E-mail to a friend, January 2002_**

No, I decided long ago that erotica wasn't immoral; if it was, we'd have to jettison the Song of Songs from the Bible.

As far as Christianity is concerned, its attitude toward erotica is intertwined with its attitude toward sexuality - the late-antiquity asceticism that set the tone for what came later. As Christian attitudes toward sexuality have begun to change, so have Christian attitudes toward eroticism. Did you know that Eric Gill, the Catholic artist who did the Stations of the Cross at Winchester Cathedral in London, was a talented erotic artist? I once tried to browse through a collection of his engravings while I was on a public bus - I was searching for an appropriate religious picture to put on the cover of the first issue of my interfaith newsmagazine. I had to give up very quickly.

**Re: FIC: O Most Unthankful**   
**_E-mail to a reader, January 2002_**

About whether I have a Website with my stories on it: Hey, I just got here five minutes ago. :)

Seriously, I only discovered slash last month; I haven't had the chance to do anything organized like start a Website (though if I keep this up, hopefully I will some day). I'm really glad you liked the story, and I appreciate your taking the time to tell me so, this being my first effort.

**Re: Slash Writer's Guide to Premodern Homosexuality**   
**_Post to a slash list, January 2002_**

I thought that the story {a _Phantom Menace_ slash story that addressed the issue of abuse} was all the more powerful dramatically because the author addressed head-on the issue of abuse. I know that there are a lot of slash stories that address this issue in passing, and it's tempting to do a parody of them along these lines:

"Will you kiss me?" Obi-Wan asked.

"I must proceed with caution and care," Qui-Gon thought to himself as he flung the youth onto the bed and buried his shaft into him.

For all my admiration of this other story, I have some qualms about Qui-Gon's final assessment of how one distinguishes love from abuse. Unless I'm misunderstanding the story (I'm sure somebody here can tell me if I am), Qui-Gon appears to decide, based on Obi-Wan's remarks on the subject, that motive is the deciding factor: if you truly love someone, then abuse won't take place. And this seems to me to be dead wrong: most of the harm in this world (not confining the matter to sexual abuse) comes from people who believe they're doing something that will benefit the other person. The medieval inquisitors believed that they were benefitting the souls of the people they tortured. And it's even possible to harm a person with their full cooperation - witness the domestic abuse cases where the wife has been brainwashed into thinking she's in a happy marriage, with neither the husband nor the wife being aware that brainwashing is taking place.

I'm bringing all this up because it does seem to me that there are some dramatic possibilities here that the slash I've read hasn't taken advantage of. I've read the slash stories where Qui-Gon agonizes over whether he will be harming Obi-Wan, even though Obi-Wan wants the relationship - but I've not yet read a slash story where something _does_ go wrong. It's like reading a billion romance stories where the couple always lives happily ever after.

Surely a mentor/student relationship would have its own inbuilt difficulties that would need to be worked through? And surely these difficulties could provide for interesting drama? Because otherwise it's like reading a story in which a Catholic and Protestant agonize over how their deep-felt religious differences will affect their marriage - and then they get along perfectly well, with no problems whatsoever. It feels like a waste of good dramatic tension.

Of course, I've only read the tip of the iceberg in the slash world, so possibly there are a billion stories like this that I haven't encountered. If so, I trust that you guys will direct me to the right sources.

**Finish it, finish it, finish it!**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, February 2002_**

Oh, and while you're at it, finish it.

Decided to take a glance at your _Phantom Menace_ pirate story last night, just before bed. Big mistake. Finally got to bed about two. I found Qui-Gon the pirate simply irresistible - not to mention Obi-Wan, sold off to the boonies to serve a barbarian. Oh, and thank you for the plot. I was getting tired of reading Obi-Wan-as-a-slave stories where, at the end of the tale, nothing has changed except that Obi-Wan is happy with his master. I mean, for heaven's sakes, aren't there _any_ abolitionists in the _Phantom Menace_ slash universe?

They're all hanging out at your site, apparently. :) Now I'm waiting with bated breath to see the rest of the tale (and will have to read your other stories as well).

I wrote all of the above before receiving your letter this morning. Yes, I like the slash stories where m/m is taken completely for granted, so that you get a chance to be plunged into a universe with different values. My favorite two opening passages from books are both by Mary Renault. From _The Last of the Wine_ :

When I was a young boy, if I was sick or in trouble, or had been beaten at school, I used to remember that on the day I was born my father had wanted to kill me.

You will say there is nothing out of the way in this. . . .

And from _The Praise Singer_ :

Keos is stern. You'd not suppose so from the proverb, that it knows not the horse nor ox, but is rich in the gladdening vine-fruit, and brings forth poets. That last had not been added, when I was born. On the other hand, it is a lie that on Keos a man has to take hemlock when he reaches sixty. That was only in the old siege when the warriors had to be kept alive. Nowadays, it is just considered good manners.

_So_ much better than all those badly written novels about Greece in which the characters keep apologizing for holding values that happen not to be the values of modern Americans.

**I'm new here (and already talking too much)**   
**_Post to the SlashResearch list, February 2002_**

I learned about this list after someone on another list suggested that I post here an article I recently drafted, "The Slash Writer's Guide to Male Homosexuality in the Premodern West." I'm still working on a final version of the article and would appreciate any suggestions you guys have.

Writing this article was an act of hubris, because I only discovered the slash world around the turn of the year. As you'll be able to tell from the article, I've come into this with an interest in the history of status-differentiated (i.e. non-egalitarian, i.e. hierarchical) relationships. So the first thing I did, after discovering slash, was seek out every academic article I could find on slash to discover what role hierarchical relationships play in slash.

And every article I read said, "Women read slash because they want to read about egalitarian relationships." Meanwhile, I'm running across sites like _Boys in Chains_ and _Amothea's Angst Archives_ and _Jedi Discipline_ , and I'm saying to myself, "Um . . . I don't think so."

Not that I want to deny that _some_ slash readers are seeking fictional portrayals of egalitarian relationships, but I don't think the broad generalization about this holds water. I've since realized that some academics define "egalitarian" as "any relationship in which the parties have complementary roles." In other words, marriage as portrayed in the New Testament's _Epistle to the Ephesians_ is egalitarian. Well, okay, I'm fine with Humpty-Dumpty's declaration, "When _I_ use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean," provided that the author makes his definition clear.

I think that same-gender hierarchical relationships have a different feel to them than opposite-gender hierarchical relationships (if only for historical reasons), so I continue to be interested in this aspect of slash.

About fandoms: I didn't have any two months ago - I'd never read a word of fan fiction in my life. I've settled down easily into the _Phantom Menace_ fandom, but when I learned that there were a handful of Arthurian slash stories out there, I said, "Neat! I can do this!" and produced one myself; I'm hoping to write more.

So that's my intro, much too long, and I'm afraid the article I'm posting is even longer.

**Egalitarian relationships and slash**   
**_Post to the SlashResearch list, February 2002_**

I ended up reaching the same conclusion that the listmaster here did, that there was more going on in slash than egalitarian relationships. However, I have to add that I didn't interpret this in a wholly negative light; I think that there are both positive and negative hierarchical relationships, just as there are both positive and negative egalitarian relationships. So I've been having some difficulty making my way through some of the feminist readings of slash that interpret "egalitarian" as "good" and "hierarchical" as "bad."

Another thing I've been finding hard to take is the continual suggestion by academics that slash writers feminize their male characters because they portray men as sensitive, prone to express strong emotions, etc. I'm sitting here thinking, "Excuse me? Have you read Homer? Virgil? Dante? _Any_ literary portrayal of men that's earlier than the stiff-upper-lip modern era?"

Similarly, I'm not impressed by the academic attempt to differentiate male sex-oriented pornography from female romance-oriented erotica. Who do they think invented romance-oriented erotica, for heaven's sakes? Who do they think was writing it for centuries upon centuries, before female writers became common? I agree that there is lots of interesting food for thought in the modern-day publishing divide between women's and men's reading, but some of the generalizations I've seen don't take into account the earlier history of how romance and erotica developed.

**Rape stories**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, February 2002_**

Couldn't possibly have waited till you replied to read those chapters. In fact, what's going through my mind at the moment is gratitude that your site didn't end at Chapter 26 (what a cliffhanger!).

Signing up for your stories was worth it just to read the following: "He probably hadn't even begun to register the horror of his ordeal yet. That would take weeks with a soul healer."

Yes! Oh lordy, this was the balm I needed to heal a day's worth of bad slash reading.

For example, take the ending of Risa's story. Excuse me? He didn't fight off the 6'4 master who was raping him, so that shows he wanted it?

Ick, ick, ick! And these are authors I like, which makes it all the worse.

Getting back to authors who know how to do it right :) . . . I really like the fact that you had Kal be the one who started the healing. I've gotten to the point where, after every Obi-Wan rape, I'm ready to scream at the author, "Please send a third character in! Please! It's not fair to make Obi-Wan's rapist be the only one Obi-Wan can turn to for help!"

As for Naomi's view that Obi-Wan should comfort his rapist . . . *Heavy sigh*.

Regarding your manumission scene: Yes, yes, yes! You know what my biggest problem with the above-mentioned _Phantom Menace_ story about abuse was? It's that Obi-Wan was _never_ given a choice whether to sleep with Qui-Gon. I don't see how they possibly could have had a decent relationship - especially with Obi-Wan's rape in the background - if Qui-Gon didn't at some point say, "You need not have sex with me." I kept waiting for that moment in the story, but it didn't come. Qui-Gon just kept saying, "I'll wait till you're ready," which was _so_ arrogant - for him to assume that Obi-Wan would inevitably want to have sex with him. (As it turned out, Qui-Gon was right, but that was just luck on his part. More luck than he deserved.)

Okay, just to show you I _really_ like your writing, here are my criticisms. (I don't make critical comments unless the stories are worth it.)

You're awfully good at building up strong emotions, but then you switch to a new mood so quickly that it reminds me of those old-time serials where the hero is left locked in an inescapable trap at the end of one film, and at the beginning of the next film we see that he's escaped - heaven knows how. I'd like to see the transition, please. If Obi-Wan's reached the point where he's convinced that Qui-Gon doesn't want him, I want to see the stunning moment when he realizes he's wrong. If Obi-Wan is whirling with the thought of freedom, I want to know what makes him forget about that. I want to know all this because I know you'll be able to do it as well as the scene where Obi-Wan asks permission to kill himself.

Of course, I wrote all this in between watching Olympics figure skating, so I might have missed the moment when you made the transition. :)

**Re: Slash Writer's Guide to Premodern Homosexuality**   
**_Post to a slash list, February 2002_**

Coming to slash straight from Greek writings, my reaction to all those anal sex scenes was, "What the hey?" I'm especially amused by how there seems to be a bottle of oil on the dresser of every male slash character in existence.

I had a hard time figuring out whether you meant, "Hierarchical play can occur within egalitarian relationships" (which I certainly agree with) or whether you instead meant, "BDSM relationships aren't hierarchical." If you mean the latter, may I suggest that we're perhaps using "hierarchical" in a different sense? I'm _not_ using "hierarchal" to mean, "Relationships where the predominant partner has greater power than the subordinate partner." I'm instead using it to mean, "Relationships where the partners have dissimilar roles, with one partner taking the leading role" (i.e., the top gives the bottom orders). Of course, what makes it complicated is that the bottom may have been the one to figure out beforehand what those orders would be, but that just puts BDSM square within the tradition of hierarchical relationships, in which the wife/servant/subordinate privately coaches the predominant partner on what he should do once the action starts. Even in egalitarian relationships, a lot of that goes on.

**Re: Slash Writer's Guide to Premodern Homosexuality**   
**_Post to a slash list, February 2002_**

I was amused when I went over to a gay male slash writer's site and saw all those slash writers asking questions like, "What does semen taste like?" But I was equally amused that the gay guy obviously hadn't a clue about female sexuality, or he could have used it to explain some of his answers. Maybe a bridging literature like this can bring the sexes into greater understanding of each other?

You said that you meant hierarchical roles were imposed from the outside, not freely chosen. Sort of hard to make a distinction like that in societies where sexual roles aren't chosen, isn't it? For example, nobody ever said to me, "You have the choice whether to enter into an egalitarian romantic relationship" - it was just assumed by everyone around me that I would end up in such a relationship. And I live in a society where there's greater choice about sexual roles than in most societies throughout history.

Likewise, nobody ever said to me, "You have the choice whether to be in a relatively egalitarian relationship with your employers." Nor did it occur to me to stand up and shout, "No, damn it! I won't address my boss by his first name! I want to kneel at his feet when he comes into the office!" I love choice - I love living in a society where, if I'm hierarchically inclined, I can go and join a medieval revival group and kiss the hem of a noble lady. But I know that I'm incredibly lucky to be living in such a society, and that, even in this society, I have to work hard to go against the prevailing model of socially acceptable behavior. (If I wanted a partner who would be predominant over me, I'd either have to search at a BDSM munch or convert to a conservative religion.)

Concerning St. Paul's attitudes toward sex: Here's the passage in question - I admit it's open to interpretation.

"Now concerning the matters about which you wrote. It is well for a man not to touch a woman. But because of the temptation to immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does. Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a season, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, lest Satan tempt you through lack of self-control." (I Corinthians 7:1-5)

So, yes, Paul does say, "Have sex with your spouse so that you won't be tempted to commit adultery before the world ends next Thursday." But note what he _doesn't_ say. He doesn't say, "All sexual desire is sinful." He doesn't say, "Sexual pleasure is sinful." He doesn't say, "Only have sex when you're trying to conceive a child; otherwise you'll rot in hell." And finally, he doesn't say, "Sex during the daytime?! Begone, Satan!" Later classical Christian writers did say all of this.

To the person who noted that whether a slash relationship was egalitarian or hierarchical depended on the fandom: I wonder how many slash readers seek out fandoms based on this factor? I know that if I'd run across egalitarian slash I would have said, "Hey, this is interesting," but probably not followed up on it. It was running across hierarchical slash that piqued my interest, and from that point on, my first thought was, "Which fandoms have this?"

By the way, here's my wish list for the new year: I wish that somebody in the fan fiction world would put together a brief summary of the plots and characters of all the major fandoms. I'm going crazy running across references like "Jim and Blair" and not knowing who the heck is being talked about (and not having the patience to look up the appropriate Websites to search out the information).

On common forms of slash stories: I must admit that I was startled when I first started reading slash, and the first dozen stories I read all turned out to be First Time tales. {In First Time stories, the characters have their initial sexual encounter.} I gather (not having read the stuff myself) that women's romances are the same way, so I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised. But I always thought of First Time as being the _beginning_ of the romance, not the end.

I don't know whether I just happen to have fallen into an atypical fandom (I can see why _The Phantom Menace_ would emphasize First Time tales). But I wish I could read more slash stories dealing with the gradual development of a relationship - and I'm not talking about PWPs {Plot-What-Plot stories, i.e. erotica}.

**Why I read fan fiction**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, February 2002_**

You know, snob that I am, I came into the slash world thinking, "Oh, heck, I'm going to have to wade my way through a lot of dreck." And the next thing I'm saying is, "Hey, this is no worse than what gets published."

Considerably better in some cases. After hearing the _Jedi Apprentice_ series raved about, I picked up a couple of titles and _forced_ my way through #16 (haven't gotten to the point of forcing my way through #17 yet). Mind you, I know that part of the problem was not having the incentive of a hot sex scene to keep me reading. But the writing was so _bad_.

"There was Oleg, lying on the floor, arms outstretched, mouth open. He had a surprised expression on his face. But he would never feel surprise again."

Oh, give me a _break_. How does Lucasfilm pick its novelization authors? On the basis of whether they can produce novels in record time?

**George Lucas and monastic celibacy**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, February 2002_**

Oh, don't get down on celibacy - it's a neat tradition in its own right, just overused in the West. Besides, what choice did Lucas have? He has barely acknowledged the existence of female Jedi in the films. I see from the _Making of Episode I_ book that there were two female Jedi in the council scene, but only one appears in any of the shots, and she appears so briefly that I wondered when first seeing the movie whether she was a figment of my imagination. We never see Leia as a Jedi (worse luck), so as far as the film canon is concerned, we're given no clue that Jedi could be making love to each other.

Well, except for Qui-Gon stroking Obi-Wan's cheek, of course. :) Honestly, in the past two months, since I discovered slash, I've been realizing how many potentially homoerotic plots are passed over by authors in our heterocentric society. Personally, my own dream for an ideal world is one in which everybody stops talking about sexual love for a few years and gets really excited about platonic friendship. But if you're going to have a society that talks nonstop about erotic love, you should at least be equal opportunity.

**Re: Slash Writer's Guide to Premodern Homosexuality**   
**_Post to a slash list, February 2002_**

Boy, can I get a list talking or what? (I just hope it's not because you're all talking as fast as you can in the hopes of drowning out my endless droning.)

I can understand people who say, "No! You should never use depictions of pain as a form of erotic arousal!" But I can't understand someone who says, "Just as long as you don't use too many arrows." I mean, having arrows at _all_ is too much for some people, you see? It's the old "my kink is your squick" problem. {"Squick" is a personal dislike or disgust, which the fan fiction reader acknowledges may not be shared by others.}

Okay, my bitch of the night: I've been reading another academic article on slash, and yet again I'm wondering whether slash academics live in the same universe as me. I keep getting the feeling that none of them have written a story in their life, so they come up with deep sociological theories to explain what any writer could explain in two sentences.

Here's an example:

Q: Why does Lewis's marriage fail shortly before he becomes involved with Morse in most _Inspector Morse_ slash?

My answer: The writer wants a happy ending. An adulterous affair isn't a happy ending.

An academic's answer: "In the fantasy settings the institution of heterosexuality is defeated by a stronger, more satisfying form of pair-bonding. This can be interpreted as an implicit oppositional strategy to the prevailing (heterosexist) construction of social relations, in which heterosexual love and commitment almost automatically take priority over 'mere' same-sex bonds." (Mirna Cicioni, "Male Pair-Bonds and Female Desire in Fan Slash Writing")

Dusk (offering up thanksgivings once more that I never made it to graduate school)

**Re: Slash Writer's Guide to Premodern Homosexuality**   
**_E-mail to a fellow slasher, February 2002_**

Well, thanks to your replies about the medieval/early modern questions, I've decided to narrow my premodern homosexuality article to deal with classical homosexuality alone. Just getting to know the Roman period will be hard enough; I came home with a stack full of books tonight, and half of them were translations of the _Greek Anthology_ , so heaven knows how long it will take me to produce the final version of the article. Thank goodness this is a field that is well researched, so I can depend on others to tell me where the primary sources are, rather than having to track them down myself. . . . Well, except for the anti-homosexuality passages. You'd think that, in a world filled with anti-homosexuality sentiment, somebody would have taken the trouble to track those down, don't you think? But no, while I've found a good list of denunciations of homosexuality by the Church Fathers, nobody has taken the trouble to list all of the pagan passages on this topic. I glanced at the _Encyclopedia of Homosexuality_ article on Roman homosexuality today, and the author kept saying, "Some scholars claim that the Neoplatonists and Stoics were opposed to homosexuality, but these passages have been misinterpreted . . ." And I'm sitting there screaming, "Where? Where did they say this, darn it?"

**Re: Slash's parameters as a genre**   
**_Post to the Slash-writers list, February 2002_**

Ruthless, you asked whether anyone knows a non-pejorative term for fag hag.

Female slash fan. :)

As for why almost no slash authors write original fiction: That was my question when I arrived here too, but I'm beginning to guess the answer. I have to admit that I came into slash thinking that fan fiction (which I'd never actually read but had heard about) was a total rip-off. After a few weeks of reading it, I realized, "Oh. This works like legends and folk tales."

My initial problem was that I thought that the fan fiction authors would have to be slavish imitators or they wouldn't produce anything good. After a while I realized that wasn't what was going on: it was like the modern Arthurian novelists, who will take a character such as Mordred, for example, and retain the basic elements of his part in the story (he's Arthur's bastard son and ends up killing him), but do whatever they want with him otherwise - they can turn him into a hero if they want.

I saw the same thing happening in slash, and I immediately saw what the appeal was of fan fiction: you have a familiar universe. If you're a reader, that's a big plus: you don't have to invest a lot of energy in characters that you end up hating. And if you like the characters, then it's fun seeing them twisted into different shapes yet retaining the same key elements each time.

So I can understand why fan fiction is so popular - it's the modern world's version of the legendary and folk material that previous generations loved. It's just a shame that modern copyright laws make it so difficult to transmit such material. (I say this as someone who is quite grateful to modern copyright laws for the good they do.)

Having said all that . . . Yes, I find it puzzling too that there isn't more original fiction in slash. I'm also puzzled as to why slash continues to be treated as a subgenre of erotica. It seems to me that slash has far greater potential than that, and that it has already realized some of that potential. It's as though there were a bunch of authors out there writing about male-female bonding - everything from friendships to romance to erotica - and it all got stuck in Yahoo's erotica section.

Could somebody explain to me why, other than historical reasons, slash is treated as a sex genre rather than treated the way male-female fiction is, as consisting of a variety of genres?

**Re: Slash Writer's Guide to Premodern Homosexuality**   
**_E-mail to a fellow slasher, February 2002_**

There are two major Greek dialogues alone on the topic of opposition to homosexuality, plus oodles of anti-homosexuality references in the Greek dramas - mainly to freemen being passive, but the dialogues attack pederasty as well. And since the Romans had even more anxieties about pederasty than the Greeks did, I'm expecting to turn up even more attacks in their writings. Not to mention the strong Neoplatonic strain in late antiquity.

The problem is that scholarship tends to reflect scholars' theses. If most of the scholars writing now were anti-homosexuality, they'd naturally concentrate on anti-homosexuality passages, but most of the scholars working in this field appear to be pro-gay, so you get lots of quoting of pro-homosexuality passages, with little mention of the above sources.

Finding balanced scholarship on this topic is a real chore. I'm tired of reading scholars who try to prove that the classical world was a gay paradise or (on the rare occasion I run across a dissenting view) that all classical authors were anti-homosexuality. It's hard to find scholars who will admit that homosexuality was a subject of debate then, as it is now (though I think the onus for proof was on the side of the anti-homosexuality writers then).

Speaking of good scholarship (for a change), have you read Holt N. Parker's essay "The Teratogenic Grid," in _Roman Sexualities_? I read it today and felt like I would do the slash world a better service if I simply passed on to them this essay - it explains, much more learnedly than I can, how classical concepts of sexuality weren't based on orientation but on what acts were appropriate for certain groups of people. Didn't know till I read it that giving a woman cunnilingus was considered a _passive_ activity.

**Abuse in slash fiction**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, February 2002_**

Gosh, and my virginity didn't even show. :) Yes, I discovered slash just last month. I tend to plunge into new interests quickly.

You asked earlier whether I'd read that other _Phantom Menace_ slash series. Being poor at titles, I had to go back and look to make sure I had. I thought that "Emancipation" was the most devastating, underhanded criticism of badly run child abuse campaigns that I'd ever read. Don't know whether it was intended that way. But still, I ended up fairly uncomfortable with the story, because it had a certain Uncle Tom tone to it - as though it didn't matter whether or not slavery was ended, provided that Obi-Wan got back together with his master. It reminded me, all too uncomfortably, of a story I wrote as a teenager in which a democratic rebellion against a hierarchy is put down by the hero.

**Re: Slash's parameters as a genre**   
**_Post to a slash list, February 2002_**

Folks have been saying here that slash is by definition fan fiction. Newbie though I am, I have to dispute this definition. If one looks at shonen ai and yaoi, the Japanese equivalent of slash, one can see that the fact that slash has remained fanfic-centered is a historical accident. Shonen ai and yaoi _started_ as fan art but they have broadened beyond that.

I look at slash, and I see the key element as being male bonding, sooner or later leading to romantic and/or sexual bonding, with a stress on the emotional aspects of the relationship. That's what caught me when I first came into the slash world - the fanfic element was, if anything, an irritating distraction at first. I know, of course, that for others the opposite is true - they came into slash by way of the fanfic world. But surely slash is a big enough genre to accommodate both fanfic-oriented people and male-bonding-oriented people?

Concerning why all slash is treated as erotica: I hate to make generalizations about this, because I haven't read enough slash to be sure, but I keep getting the feeling that slash site owners are taking a bunch of stories, ranging from Rated G to Rated NC-17, and saying, "Here's erotica." I'd like to think that this is simply for warning purposes, to keep minors out, but I've run across too many essays by now that use the terms "slash" and "erotica" interchangeably.

Look, I enjoy reading good erotica. The first type of slash I stumbled across was in that category. But I also like curling up with a romantic slash story that has no strong sex element, or even a pre-slash story for that matter. {"Pre-slash" is a tale set during the period before the characters become romantically involved. The story usually centers on friendship.} And I very much dislike having stories labelled as something that they aren't. It's the opposite side of the coin of the Victorian tendency to treat Greek sex writings as being about friendship.

I know that this is also a problem in gay literature - that "gay" is treated as the equivalent of "about sex." Well, heterosexual literature isn't exclusively about sex. I don't think that one need be ashamed of erotica to acknowledge this.

On formula fiction: I _really_ hate to reply to this remark, because I feel so indebted to slash for prompting me to explore new creative vistas that I never would have thought to have explored, and besides, it ill-becomes a newcomer to start off by making critical remarks . . .

But a lot of the slash I've encountered is placed within incredibly rigid lines. I don't know how many Obi-Wan-falls-in-love-with-Qui-Gon-and-is-afraid-to-tell-him stories I've read by now. I love them all. :) But I feel sorry that a lot of slash writers seem not to have enough confidence in their abilities to go beyond some of the tried-and-true formulas to establish new types of storylines within the genre. From what I've seen, slash writers who _do_ make this effort are often rewarded with quite positive feedback from their readers.

On why slash fan fiction readers might not read original slash: As I mentioned before, I write original slash. (I'm told that Arthurian tales fall into the no-man's-land between original slash and fanfic slash; I think that's right.) But I won't read much of it, simply because I'm interested in particular types of slash (the hierarchical stuff), and the only easy way to find those types (except where there are archives devoted to the type) is to know the fandom. If I could find original slash that was clearly labelled as the type of slash I read, I'd read it.

You also have to really dig to find original slash. I don't know of any archive devoted to it - does anybody else know if there exists one? I know that when I started looking for Arthurian slash I had to do endless word searches to track it down, because it was scattered all over the place. The lack of a well-organized archive can make a big difference as to whether people read a genre or subgenre.

**Sexual plotlines and nonsexual plotlines**   
**_Post to a slash list, February 2002_**

Myself, I like a combination. I recently read Jedi Clara's pirate story and liked how she managed to fit the story of Qui-Gon the pirate and his bed-slave Obi-Wan in with a story about the liberation of slaves. The two plotlines meshed together quite well. I think most of the best bonding stories that have been written are ones that combine relationships with outside events, along the lines of: "Achilles abandons his fellow warriors but lets his dear Patroklos go to war for him, and then Patroklos is killed and Achilles rages onto the battlefield to avenge his death . . ." Of course if Achilles and Patroklos have hot sex several times in the midst of all this, I'm not going to object. :)

**Convention**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, February 2002_**

I'm looking forward to attending my first slash con this April. A couple of Trekkie friends took me to _Star Trek_ conventions when I was younger; I found the cons fun, and I'm not even that big a _Star Trek_ fan. Can't wait to see what it's like to be in the same room as a bunch of _TPM_ { _The Phantom Menace_ } slash fans.

**Writing down the forbidden**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, February 2002_**

Got back Friday from two days' total immersion in _TPM_ : I started watching the DVD at my friend's house on Wednesday evening, and finished up around one a.m. on Friday morning.

My best friend and her husband were wonderfully tolerant of my extended ramblings about aspects of _TPM_ that I'd learned on the Net; only at one point did her husband ask, with the tentativeness of someone trying to ascertain how soon a person will be carted away to the loony bin, "How many times have you seen this movie?"

I haven't had a chance since I got back to look at any of your recommendations, as I've been deep into writing another story { _The True Master_ }. I haven't decided whether to present this one to the slash community or to try to market it - it's just on the edge of acceptability, if there's any market for gay fantasy (fantasy in the genre sense of the word). I've never gone looking for such a market, so I don't know.

It's an old story I've had bouncing around my head for several years now, but it never occurred to me before to put any stories like this down on paper. Looking through it, I can see all sorts of unintentional Q/O elements, which leads me to wonder - we all know about slash writers who de-slash their stories so that they will be read by mainstream readers, but I wonder how many slash writers fanfic their original stories so that they will be read by slash readers? As far as I can tell from reading the Q/O AU {alternate universe} stories, the only ingredient necessary to qualify a story as Q/O is to have some sort of master/apprentice element (in its various manifestations: master/pupil, master/slave, master/prisoner . . .). I mean, Quintus Gaius and Benion bear no resemblance to Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan that I can see, except that they're in a master/apprentice relationship with each other; nor is there anything in the setting that brings _TPM_ to mind. You place Q and O in something resembling the _TPM_ universe in your pirate story, but if you'd changed the main characters' names and gotten rid of words like "padawan," then handed me, say, Chapter Two, I doubt I would have been able to guess that you were doing Q/O slash.

I don't at all mind this; I like being able to read master/apprentice stories. But I'm wondering whether slash fanfic writers who do this are consciously aware that they're actually writing original fiction.

**_Interlude & fiction_**   
**TROPES**

"Trope (n.) A common theme, seen repeatedly in various works. . . . In fandom, the word trope is often used to describe common plot devices." -- _Fanlore_.

{Fanfic writers tend to get enthusiastic about tropes, as can be seen from _Fanlore_ 's "List of Tropes in Fanworks." The way it worked in fandoms I belonged to was that someone would write a really good trope story in which Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon need to have sex with each other in order to satisfy the ritual requirements of the culture to which they were sent on a mission (also known as the "mission sex" trope). Then a whole bunch of other _Phantom Menace_ writers would say, "This is really good!" and create their own variations on the tale. Inevitably, another writer would produce a story that people found so interesting that this second story would attract attention as well . . . And so on and so forth. The trope would be played with and changed, in much the same way that ballads have been altered over the centuries. This interlude of my memoir demonstrates the trope-passing in practice.}

"An interesting twist on conventional storytelling is to make The Protagonist a villain. Sometimes (but not always), this villainous main character will even get the Sympathetic P.O.V. The villain protagonist] may also do a Heel Face Turn and become a Hero Protagonist." -- _TV Tropes:_ "[Villain Protagonist."

"The other] character is a quiet smart guy or girl who is physically unimposing and soft-spoken, but with Hidden Depths of formidable physical and practical skills." -- _TV Tropes:_ "[Badass Bookworm."

o--o--o

{From my story _The Fool_ (Master/Other), composed in March 2002 after I read Mystique's _The Best of the Bargain_ , a popular _Phantom Menace_ story written in the first person, which featured a villain protagonist and a badass bookworm.}

Ended up telling him more than I'd intended, including the tale of how I first joined the tribe. He asked me whether I remembered my family, and I said I didn't; I was much younger than he was when I was captured. I don't even remember the man who first took me. I proved myself worthy of tribal status quickly, though, and I impressed upon the boy that he could do the same if he worked hard enough.

After all this time, I suppose nothing should surprise me about the boy, but it was still a shock to hear the boy say he didn't want to belong to the tribe. He called us "land pirates," which is the kindest name I've ever heard applied to us, but I managed to keep from laughing. Pointed out instead that he had no good alternatives now, and asked him whether he wanted to risk becoming a bed-slave again if I died. That shut him up.

Truly, the boy's the stubbornest person I've ever met. He reminds me of myself when I was young.

{From my story _Life Prison_ , also composed in March 2002.}

There was a reason I'd been granted the luxury of a single-man cell: my last three cellmates had been prepared to murder me rather than live another moment with me. Since the death of a prisoner was not, alas, one of the many pains permitted at a life prison, Mercy's Keeper had finally dealt with the problem by giving me a cell of my own - which, of course, had been my plan all along. It was irritating to have to endure being strangled three times in order to achieve what I wanted.

Particularly since I couldn't hope that the stranglings would be successful.

Though I had no desire to become chummy with the bog-scum who inhabited this place, my own unspoken contribution to the debate was that boredom was the greatest pain [in prison]. Boredom didn't come often - most days after work I was barely awake enough to do whatever my present guard required of me - but when it occurred, it was excruciating, like being flayed slowly by a dagger. I often thought that, if I were ever broken into madness, it would be through such a spell of boredom.

I say all this to explain why, when I heard the cell door being opened at lamp-lighting time, my first thought was not (as one might expect), "Oh, no, not again," but rather, "Thank the gods, something new." I rolled over onto my stomach and raised my head to look.

He was a slightly built man; I could see that at once from the outline of his shape against the fire in the pit. With my eyes still dazzled by the newly lit lamps, I couldn't immediately make out the man's face, but I could see one of his hands, gripping hard the hilt of his dagger. That grip stopped my heart for a moment, but even my wildest imagination couldn't hope that the new guard would start our acquaintance by stabbing me, so I raised my eyes to his face.

And my heart stopped once more. I jerked upright in bed, twinging an old hip wound as I did so. I had been rather foolish during my first year, testing the guards in various ways. I winced.

The guard said softly, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

"Not at all," I said through gritted teeth as I rubbed my hip. "I'll return the favor when I can."

It took no artifice on my part to sound annoyed, though the annoyance was aimed solely at myself. This was not the guard I had been preparing myself for. I had expected a rod-mutilating monster, and what I found myself faced with was a young man.

His face came full into the light as he stepped forward. Wearing the uniform of a Compassion guard, he looked even more like his father: he had the same thin lips and the same straight eyebrows. But the eyes were empty of all coldness - indeed, of all expression of any sort - and there was no smile on his lips, cruel or otherwise.

"My name is Thomas," he said. "I'm your new guard."

{From my story _Tops and Sops_ (The Eternal Dungeon), also composed March 2002.}

"Is that true?" I said, letting my face transform into hope. "Is it possible I can receive mercy for my terrible crime?"

I must have gone a bit over the peak, for something in the youth's eyes ceased to look like the puppy I'd owned and began to look more like the vicious hound next door, who tore my leg to pieces when I was ten. He turned and went to the cell door.

I sighed and began peeling off my shirt. When the youth returned with the guards, his voice was cool, which I found even more disconcerting than the change in his eyes. I didn't think the coolness was due to imitation this time.

"You're a good actor," he said. "Unfortunately, your timing was off. I've been broken; I know that transformation of character doesn't occur that quickly. Would that it did."

Then his voice went glacial. "Sixty hard lashes," he said. "And the next time this happens, I'll put you on the rack. Do you understand me, Mr. Little?"

o--o--o

"In Dusk Peterson's short story 'The Fool,' the Villain Protagonist sacrifices] himself to a Cruel and Unusual Death so the [slave] can escape and be returned to his surviving family." -- _TV Tropes:_ "[Heroic Sacrifice."

"The Master of War can be cruel or kindly, but usually he starts out objectifying the slave as some kind of loot and ends up liking or respecting him. Usually. Examples: 'The Fool' . . ." -- _Slavefic Tropes:_ "Master of War."

"Dusk Peterson's fantasy series _Life Prison_." -- _TV Tropes:_ "The Alcatraz."

"Dusk Peterson's series _The Eternal Dungeon_ , where prisoners are respected, the truth valued, and confession is considered necessary for the health of the criminal's soul." -- _TV Tropes:_ "Torture Technician." 
**_Chapter Two_**   
**DISCOVERING THE JOYS OF FAN MAIL AND CONS**

**Unruly subconsciouses**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, March 2002_**

Oh, heavens, yes, I know what you mean; right now I'm trying to get the final scenes written on the master/slave story I mentioned in my last letter. The longer a story is in my head, the harder it is to get it on paper, because I've rewritten the scenes so many times mentally that they're no longer fresh and exciting to me. But I want to get this one done; it's an exploration of what sexual impulses toward mastery and slavery would be like in a society where they were so socially acceptable that _not_ having such impulses was considered weird.

But of course, my subconscious refuses to cooperate with tackling projects in their proper queue order, and I woke up this morning with another master/slave story in my head, which I dashed off before breakfast { _The Fool_ }. Turns out to be short-story length, which is pleasing, as it's much harder to market novellas, that being what I usually write. This one I'll definitely send out to the mainstream markets. In one of life's little ironies, I can't mainstream-market a story that has loving sex in it, but it's perfectly fine to mainstream-market a story that has abuse in it. Go figure.

Haven't spent so much time at the keyboard writing fiction since I was in high school; slash really seems to have charged my batteries. I think it helps being in a community of writers, and one that is driven by pure creativity; no conversations here, thank god, about the tax advantages of marketing fiction versus nonfiction. Honestly, I sometimes think that the most cynical publications around are the writers' magazines.

About the fanfic element in slash: I wasn't really intending to analyze how much of Obi-Wan is in your Obi-Wan (though as a side issue, I think slash writers have had better luck at conveying Qui-Gonness than Obi-Wanness, don't you think? Slash Qui-Gons tend to have more of a resemblance to canon than slash Obi-Wans). What I was really trying to figure out is whether original fiction is sneaking into fanfic because it's unacceptable to write original fiction for the slash community. The Webmaster of one of the lists I'm on basically told me that, unless I marketed my Arthurian stories hard through a good summary, no one would read them, because they're not fanfic. A valuable hint, though it did make me feel - well, the way I'd feel if I tried to market fanfic to a mainstream audience. As though I'd committed some dreadful faux pas.

Somebody on another list said flatly that slash _is_ fanfic - that original homoerotic fiction is gay fiction. I understand their point - in order to be slashed, something has to be m/f to start with - but I did a giant round of the gay fiction sites this week (in order to see whether I could market any of my slash fiction there; the conclusion I reached was No - my stories aren't erotic enough for the gay erotica market, and they aren't short enough for the general gay fiction market), and I felt as though I was a stranger in a strange land. It was the terminology that kept tripping me up, I think - references to "gay characters." Well, my characters aren't gay; they live in societies where sexual orientation isn't a concept. It's like saying that Mary Renault wrote about gay characters in Greece, which she most certainly did not.

The gay fiction community seems to be oriented toward the idea of "gay" as the overriding concept, whereas the slash community seems to be oriented toward the idea of m/m love or f/f love, which overlaps with gay but isn't quite the same. It makes me feel as though I'm writing for an audience who can better understand premodern homosexuality and be less likely to misunderstand my intentions. So that's why I'd rather call myself a slash writer than a gay fiction writer.

I'm rambling. I'm sorry to hear you're in a slump; happens to me a lot, and it's hell on creativity, isn't it? Oh, and when I'm in a depression, the house could burn down and I wouldn't communicate with anyone. Don't feel the need to respond to my letters if they arrive when you're in a funk.

**Re: FIC: O Most Unthankful**   
**_E-mail to Ruthless, March 2002_**

Yes, I encountered Dark Ages Arthuriana and high medieval Arthuriana in the same year (when I was fourteen), and I spent the next few years digging up every Dark Ages Arthurian novel I could find. I think the mixture of pagan and Christian and classicalism and medievalism makes for a fascinating setting. One thing I did try to do in this story was highlight the classical elements of Arthurian Britain. One tends to forget that Rome "fell" around the time that the Arthurian tale begins: Arthur was probably born _before_ the fall, while Merlin and Uther would have lived most of their lives at the time that the Roman Empire still existed (albeit barely). So Arthurian people would have thought of themselves as being part of classical civilization; nobody had told them that they were living in the Middle Ages.

Glad you liked the story! No, this is the only Arthurian tale I've produced so far. I've gotten distracted into writing a couple of master/slave stories - I'm finding such stories an excellent device by which to explore the line between love and abuse, not to mention the dynamics of hierarchical relationships, which you'll have gathered I have a wee bit of an interest in. Eventually, though, I plan to get back to the Arthurian tales, and when I do, I'll let you know.

**Slashing my stories**   
**_E-mail to a friend, March 2002_**

It's certainly interesting how nonsexual relationships are supposed to take a backseat in our society to sexual relationships - look at the way that the original _Star Trek_ series kept trying to get Kirk to fall in love with bimbos when it was quite obvious (and the slash fans hit dead center onto this fact) that the really strong relationship in the series is between Kirk and Spock. I can think of too many other examples of writers trying to insert romance into stories where it simply isn't needed, because a friendship is the central aspect of the story. That's one of the reasons I've decided to write my slash stories under a pen name - because I don't want my stories about male friendship being eroticized by well-meaning readers.

Well, unless they're slash readers. I don't mind if they insert sex that _isn't_ in the original, provided that they don't write awful treatises about "Homoeroticism in the Fantasy Works of (insert my name here)."

**ConneXions**   
**_E-mail to one of the organizers of Baltimore's slash convention, March 2002_**

The registration form mentions a program - by any chance, could I obtain the program in electronic format once it's available? I can't read standard print easily; it would help if I had any written con materials in electronic form, so that I could translate them into an accessible format. Having the con schedule ahead of time would obviously be the biggest help to me. (It's so nice, by the way, to see the sentence about accessibility in your write-up about the hotel.)

Sorry to bother you once more during what must be a very busy time for you.

**Muse filters**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, March 2002_**

So nice to hear from you, though I wasn't alarmed by your silence - I know what those black holes are like, so I decided to wait till you emerged from yours.

I've been having a very fruitful interval since we last talked - in addition to the short captor/captive story that rushed out of me, my master/slave story is half a scene short of being finished. The half scene delay is due to my muse deciding that I was going to write a guard/prisoner story { _Life Prison_ } - that one's done. I've had prisoner stories going through my head since my teens, but I've very nearly managed to keep from writing them down, since they were usually morally yucky in content. This particular one, once it reached paper, turned out to be about grace and redemption. Damn. If I'd known that my subconscious had that sort of filter in place, I would have been writing down my prisoner stories long ago.

**Boys in Chains fiction**   
**_E-mail to the boysinchains list, March 2002_**

I've been finding this thread fascinating, especially the distinction Chloe made between strong-and-invincible characters and vulnerable-but-resilient characters, and the literary advantages of making the latter suffer (which seems to me right).

I have a question, though, and this is a newbie question from someone who recently discovered slash: Is the essence of _Boys in Chains_ fiction suffering? Because I look at some of the phrases used at the site - "ritualistic slavery, "BDSM or sexual games," "the power dynamic of a structurally unequal relationship" - and it sounds to me as though something more complex than suffering is going on here.

I mainly read _Phantom Menace_ slash, and quite a lot of the stories are about "structurally unequal relationships," but the relationships aren't always founded upon suffering (though the characters may undergo suffering coming from a separate source). Personally, that's the type of slash fiction I find most appealing, and when I stumble across it at _BiC_ I'm delighted (though I gladly read the other stories as well).

Does anybody else share my impression that (speaking from a purely literary point of view) inequality in relationships - even if it takes the forms archived at _BiC_ - doesn't necessarily mean suffering? After all, some eras might consider egalitarian relationships to be highly structural (since, in their view, egalitarian relationships deviate from the "natural" tendency of mankind to settle into hierarchical relationships), yet I doubt most people in egalitarian relationships today think of themselves as being in a "suffering" relationship.

**Re: Boys in Chains fiction**   
**_E-mail to the boysinchains list, March 2002_**

You commented that one needs to make an ethical struggle over hierarchical relationships clear to the reader, because the reader will expect such a struggle. Oh, I agree with this, and I think you can see that quite clearly in a lot of _TPM_ slash where the characters are struggling with issues that - in the particular setting they've been placed in - they probably wouldn't think about twice.

But there's not as much of this as I'd expect. Here's a basic example: In our society, teacher-student relationships are taboo. They're not so taboo that there aren't still people out there defending them, but they're taboo enough to make it _necessary_ for a defense to take place if such a relationship exists.

Now, I've read a fair number of slash stories that deal with this aspect of Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan's relationship, either by having Qui-Gon agonize over the issue (with Obi-Wan invariably saying, "No, no! It doesn't make any difference!" - he could be a poster child for the pro-teacher-student-love movement), or by having Qui-Gon wait until Obi-Wan becomes a knight before beginning a relationship with him.

But I've read many more stories where Qui-Gon doesn't agonize over having a teacher-student relationship. Okay, in the cases where the author doesn't mention this, maybe she just doesn't want to do the same plot over and over. (There are only so many times that one can listen to Qui-Gon say, "I'm your master, Obi-Wan! A relationship would be inappropriate!" before one's eyes glaze over.) But what are we to think of the stories where a full-blown system is put in place to allow the nourishing of such relationships? I'm not talking about the stories that are defensive about this system; I'm talking about the stories where the author has obviously put a lot of thought into what could go wrong with teacher-student relationships and yet doesn't have the characters agonize over it.

I have to tell you, guys, I'd never read so many pro-hierarchy stories till I encountered slash. For heaven's sakes, mainstream historical fiction doesn't pay this much attention to hierarchy (it ought to). What I see going on in slash is a heck of a lot of writers putting forth arguments for and against hierarchy in relationships, with a really interesting underlying dialogue going on between them (you can see how certain authors are responding to arguments put forward by other authors).

**Resurfacing**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, March 2002_**

This doesn't seem to be my year for computers. First, my computer crashed in January for the fourth time in six months (I've been putting off taking it in for repair since then, as it involved two six-hour round trips). Then my backup computer (which had been showing signs of wanting to go belly-up) died a few days ago. Then when I checked my backup backup computer (won't do anything but word processing), I found that its disk drive was no longer working. So I've resorted to my backup backup backup computer (yes, we have a lot of half-functioning computers in this house), whose mouse won't work.

Fortunately, my family member's computer (now renamed Old Reliable) is still working. Equally fortunately, the choking sounds my backup computer was making (multiple error messages) caused me to be backing up hourly any file I worked on - I'd _just_ finished backing up on disk a scene I'd written when the computer went, _"Pop!"_

So the only thing I lost that's a pain to reconstruct is my last letter to you. I'd written a lengthy letter that was along the lines of "OH MY GOD, THE _PHANTOM MENACE_ ZINE ARRIVED, IT'S SO ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS, I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK, YOU'RE AN UTTER SWEETHEART TO SEND ME THIS, KISS KISS KISS--" and as you can imagine, it's a bit hard to reconstruct that type of letter.

I've spent the last couple of days working on what was supposed to be my first PWP { _First Time_ }, but my characters decided to get all chatty on me. I can't figure out why my characters get the yen to stop in the middle of having hot sex in order to discuss the moral implications of what they're doing. _I_ certainly never did anything stupid like that. (Alas.) To make matters worse, my protagonist declared that we weren't going to write about _my_ sexual fantasies; we were going to write about _his_ sexual fantasies. And since I find his tastes a bit squickish (whatever other problems I may have, I am _not_ into strappadoes), I ended up discovering that erotica is not a genre I'm good at writing. My characters are too darn bossy.

Mind you, I had other problems with sticking to erotica as well. I remember when I first started reading slash erotica; it seemed to me to bear as much resemblance to real sex as cotton candy does to real food. Wonderfully sweet, but oh my goodness . . . Slash characters never have problems getting aroused. They never have to stop to argue over what type of furniture they should use for the positions they want. They never make costly errors in bed and have to beg their partner for forgiveness. And they _never_ have to get into a cold car at three a.m. in order to drive five miles to the nearest open drugstore to buy the right supplies.

So you know the convention for First Time stories? Two pages of agonizing over whether to go to bed together, followed by ten pages of blissful sex? Well, I've turned the convention on its head and suggested that the real agonies of First Time encounters are most likely to occur in bed.

Just writing a realistic "Where the hell are we going to find lubricant at _this_ time of night?" scene did me good.

Having thrown my characters into each other's arms and let them drone on about sexual ethics to their hearts' content, I've now sternly told them, "You're going to engage in a little _action_ next time, damn it," and have sent them off to hell. Literally. That's what they get for foolin' with the Boss.

**Slash debates**   
**_E-mail to the organizer of ConneXions, March 2002_**

As for knowing what slash is - well, who does? :) However, I've gotten into some roaring good arguments over the definition of slash ("Does it have to be fanfic, or is there such a thing as original slash fiction?" "Is slash a subgenre of erotica or is erotica a subgenre within slash?" "Is slash a women's genre or is there some other aspect that best describes it?").

**ConneXions ride needed**   
**_Post to a slash list, April 2002_**

I'm headed to ConneXions from the D.C. area - my problem is that I don't drive. Are any ConneXions attendees here headed through my area who might be able to give me a ride? I'd be glad to pay for gas. Of course I realize that a firm offer cannot be made until you've quizzed me to ensure that I'm not cruel to small animals, etc.

**Re: ConneXions ride needed**   
**_E-mail to a respondent to the post, April 2002_**

Thanks much for getting in touch with me - this is my first slash convention (I only discovered slash last January), so I'm very eager to attend ConneXions.

So, do you have any questions about my gentleness toward small animals? I have a cat nuzzling me, if that helps. (Oh, you want to know the _really_ important information. The answer is: _The Phantom Menace_ , Arthurian stories and other litslash, and I write original fiction).

**Your story**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, April 2002_**

Oh my. Do you know, I guessed where this chapter would end? I was listening to it by speech synthesizer (I don't know whether I mentioned I have trouble reading standard print; I have my computer read aloud long texts to me), and when it got to the point where Obi-Wan was slumping over the console, I thought, "Jedi Clara's going to be a sadist and end things here."

Just posted my second slash story (the guard/prisoner story) at several lists. I can imagine everyone saying, "Original fic! Five parts! Eeeeew!"

**Re: FIC: Life Prison**   
**_E-mail to a reader, April 2002_**

I give you permission to stop saying how brilliant I am if you give me permission to stop staring down at my shoes and shuffling my feet and blushing and saying, "Well, gee . . ."

Thanks for the _three_ letters. This is only the second slash story I've posted, so the feedback is especially welcome.

I love having other people read my stories, because they always manage to make explicit any stuff that's only been vaguely rumbling around in my subconscious. I honestly hadn't consciously made the connection - though it's blaringly obvious now that you mention it - between Merrick's decision and Thomas's decision. But now it makes sense: Thomas was trying to persuade Merrick to take the hard path, and Merrick turned round and did the same to Thomas.

Of course, if one's reaction to Thomas's decision was, "Ugh! How could he spend his life in a place like _that_!" then the same is true for Merrick. I'm just glad that you brought out the parallel and saw that Thomas was faced with no easier a decision than Merrick was.

**Re: FIC: Life Prison**   
**_E-mail to a second reader, April 2002_**

I was interested to see how this would go over on the general slash lists - I figured the _Boys in Chains_ crowd might be able to handle it (and would probably grumble because there weren't enough chains) but I wasn't sure whether it would be too dark for the average slash reader. I mean, the story goes, "Dark dark dark dark-- Oh! There's light at the end of the tunnel!" By which time, I figured, most of my readers would have wandered away.

Thanks so much for writing to tell me your thoughts - and even more for your recommendations to others.

**Re: FIC: Life Prison**   
**_E-mail to a third reader, April 2002_**

Newbie slash writer checks the lists, sees that no one has posted any feedback to much-struggled-over tale, sighs heavily, trots over to e-mail . . .

. . . and finds your letter awaiting there. Thanks much for the compliments - I'm glad you were able to make it through the tale despite the child murderer element - I knew that would be a hard part for lots of people to handle.

**Re: ConneXions**   
**_E-mail to the con organizer, April 2002_**

Oh, lord, I can just see you running around saying, "Dealers' tables - ack! Video tapes - ack! Special-ordered electronic program for Dusk - ack!" Look, don't worry about it at this point. When I first wrote you about this, my eyes were in complete disarray following a cold - I couldn't read more than a few large-print words without getting a headache. But my eyes have gotten better since then, so I can just bring along a magnifier (which I'd planned to do anyway).

**What slash is**   
**_E-mail to a friend, April 2002_**

The first slash site I encountered { _Boys in Chains_ } was on . . . Well, here's its intro:

This site was created and is maintained by delicate, etiquette-oriented young women who are looking for academic discussions about how slashing characters built in a capitalistic system reclaims our power.

**Long look**

Did you buy that? Poor, innocent sod.

Honestly, we like fic, we like boys and we like chains.

So of course I couldn't resist making my own contribution. That was my first story; I just posted my second one last night (a piece about a guard and his prisoner), and I woke up this morning to find half a dozen people knocking at my e-mail box, saying, "More! More!"

So (I lead up to the topic of the letter) I'd like to start a site for my slash fiction.

**My own Website**   
**_E-mail to a friend, April 2002_**

Okay, kiddo, I posted a slash story last night to some e-mail lists and have had a dozen letters so far from readers - three letters from one of the list admins raving on about it, another from someone saying it's the best story he's read for years and could he recommend it at his site, another from someone saying she has recommended it to eight friends so far and is it going to be anywhere online . . .

I take it that {my planned website} _Master/Other_ would not go unvisited. No big rush on this because I still haven't figured out where I'm going to have the site hosted, nor is my computer working yet, but I wanted to make sure you didn't forget about the banner.

Am off to my first slash convention this weekend; am very excited. Hope you had a good Easter. (Is Easter big where you live? Here in the U.S., the holiday seems to be reduced to displays of chocolate eggs.)

**Proud author (I know, pride goeth before a fall . . .)**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, April 2002_**

Oh, my dear, you wouldn't _believe_ the response I've received to this story. My first story got a few really nice responses back, but they came in driblets, so I had the feeling that nobody was reading my stuff.

Well, a dozen people wrote me yesterday about _Life Prison_ , and I've still got letters coming in. I've got people saying, "You should publish this!"

To which I have to repress the smart-alecky reply, "Yes, certainly, as soon as you tell me the proper market for a story that begins and ends with homosexual rape and has three whipping scenes in between."

There really is no market for a novella of this type - there's practically no market for novellas, period - so I'm truly grateful I've found an audience for my more (what's the proper PC term here?) experimental work. I was afraid it would be too moralistic for the _Boys in Chains_ crowd and too far to the edge for everyone else.

About the _Phantom Menace_ story you sent me: I was pleasantly surprised at how engaging and amusing the storyline was. "Are you ready for it?" Qui-Gon says to the half-naked padawan in his arms. Hell of a time to ask.

I'm off to ConneXions this weekend - am trying not to get _too_ excited, lest I be let down.

**Convention plans**   
**_E-mail to a friend, April 2002_**

I love a guy who schedules his dating by the liturgical calendar. (Me having the warped mind that I do, I suddenly have visions of a fantasy tale in which the hero's love life is screwed up by his inability to find a time when the love-of-his-life isn't fasting, keeping vigil, being sacrificed to volcanoes, etc.)

Am off this weekend to my first fan fiction convention. Somehow I _don't_ think the schedulers of the convention said to themselves, "Ah, the first weekend after Holy Week - perfect."

**My intro / Questions about Oz, QaF, Attack of the Clones**   
**_Post to a list for D.C. slashers, April 2002_**

Well, I had an absolutely lovely time at ConneXions - especially meeting some of you - though I have to admit that certain parts of the convention meant more to me than others. For example, this was my internal monologue on Friday evening {during the viewing of fan music videos ("songvids")}:

"Jim kissing Blair. How sweet. . . . Duncan giving Methos a long, heavy-lidded look. How beautiful. . . . Starsky camping it around with Hutch. How amusing. . . . OH MY GOD!"

So I want to see _Oz_. God, do I want to see _Oz_. However, before I shell out the bucks for HBO, I'd like to have a better idea of what I'm getting myself into, because everyone tells me that the series is quite violent, and somebody said that the gay character is no longer current in the series.

So I was wondering whether any of you in the D.C. area had any _Oz_ tapes I could borrow for a short time to get a better sense of the series. I'll give my VCR a strict lecture ahead of time not to chew up your tapes.

I was also wondering whether the British version of _Queer as Folk_ is available on tape somewhere in the universe, because people keep saying that the British version is better than the American version (which I haven't seen; I don't have Showtime either).

Finally, I was wondering whether any local slash events were being planned - or were likely to be planned - in connection with the premiere of _Star Wars Episode II._

I'm delighted to learn about this list, since it does seem to imply that there is a real-life community out there that I could hook up with. (Talking with people in real life. What a concept.) I look forward to getting to know you all.

**Re: ConneXions**   
**_E-mail to the con organizer, April 2002_**

I had a _fantastic_ time at the con - I'm so glad I went. And you picked a nice location for it. I'm sure you know about this incident, but I was in the hospitality suite at about three a.m. Sunday morning when the hotel management stopped by to say that they'd sent people up to the _Lord of the Rings_ party room three times, and could we please ask the group to shut down for the night?

And I'm sitting there thinking, "They've asked a group to quiet down three times and they're _still_ being patient? Boy, that's service."

**Re: FIC: Life Prison**   
**_E-mail to a fourth reader, April 2002_**

I had another letter from someone who had problems with the turnaround scene. I wasn't trying to write an "abrupt turnaround" scene, but instead an "abrupt revelation of a three-month-long turnaround" scene, but if I wasn't successful in conveying to the reader that three-month-long turnaround (even if only in retrospect), then obviously the abrupt revelation wasn't going to work.

I'm glad you liked the rest of the story, and I appreciate your letting me know that the end of the story didn't work for you - that sort of feedback helps me so much more than a "I liked your story; write more" e-mail.

**Re: FIC: Life Prison**   
**_E-mail to Anne Blue, April 2002_**

I've had contact, not with child murderers, but with other types of child abusers - but it's hardly necessary to turn to them for inspiration. I mean, we all have our dark side, don't we? Even if it's as small a thing as screaming at your husband when you're in a rotten mood. Given the human capacity for self-centeredness, it's amazing to me that we didn't all kill each other off back in the prehistoric period.

**Slash con! Ecstasy!**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, April 2002_**

In a passage I deleted from a letter I was sending you, I wrote, "I'm really looking forward to the ConneXions con but am trying not to raise my hopes too high, lest they be dashed."

No chance of that. Mind you, for the first couple of hours I was feeling really lost and lonely, because I didn't know anyone there - and by "anyone" I mean I didn't know Jim/Blair and Duncan/Methos and Starsky/Hutch, so I was totally lost in the dealers' room, especially since there was a grand total of three _TPM_ zines there.

I got over being lost once I discovered how many history nuts were at the con. I had a three-hour conversation with a medievalist, and at the "Historical Research" panel I sat between someone writing an Arthurian tale set in the Dark Ages, a classicist, and an academic who wrote her thesis on eighteenth-century attitudes toward homosexuality. Heaven.

Saturday's panels were great fun too - I attended the BDSM panel (which wasn't substantive, alas - mainly the leaders just passed around sex toys), the pseudonyms panel (I really needed that one, because I've been struggling with that issue), and the domestic discipline panel (I've never read a discipline story; when I learned there was more to it than spanking, my reaction was, "Cool!").

Oh, and the songvids - I'm addicted to them now. After watching them, god, do I want to see _Oz_. Somebody at the con tried to describe the show to someone else who hadn't seen the songvids, and the only description she could provide was to bite her knuckles.

Before I go any further, here's a couple of quotes from the weekend.

Me, describing _Life Prison_ : "It's about a prisoner and a guard--"

Other person, hopefully: "Non-con?"

o--o--o

Leader of f/f panel {a panel on female/female slash, also known as femslash}: "Let's all say why we're here. . . . Which f/f stories do you read?"

Me: "I haven't read anything. I just got tired of talking about men."

My favorite moment in the con was when I asked a panel leader a historical question, and she replied, "I'm not sure of the answer to that. Is Dusk here? Dusk might know . . ."

**Your songvid**   
**_E-mail to Diana Williams, April 2002_**

Well, here I was at my first slash con, sitting in the hospitality suite while I chatted with someone, when suddenly I shout, _"TPM!"_ - and everyone in the room falls silent and turns to look at me. I barely notice, because I'm absorbed in the last half of a beautiful _TPM_ songvid, which is over all too soon.

So I spend the rest of the weekend saying, "Who did this video? Where can I get it?" And the people I talk to don't recognize it from my description; nor do I see it played during the time I'm at the songvids show (though I do get to the point where I'm beginning to recognize particular people's video-making styles; I know that if it's by Diana Williams, it's going to be good). So I go home - somewhat mournfully, because I'm not bringing home any _TPM_ material with me (though I did bring home your _Songs for Slashers_ tape) - and there, on the BASCon 2001 tape I bought, is a copy of your _TPM_ vid, with Ewan McGregor (!) as the singer.

I've watched it three times since I got home yesterday, and I'm more impressed each time with your editing. You picked the perfect song, one that would bring out both the darkness and the joy of the Q/O relationship, and the way that you selected the shots was excellent. I especially liked how you brought in those clips of the older Obi-Wan - I didn't realize till I saw the video that Ewan McGregor managed to copy Alec Guinness's half-smile.

I have to say that when I saw _The Phantom Menace_ in the theater, I was not at all impressed by the death scene - even at the time, I knew it was because George Lucas did such a poor job of developing the friendship between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. And even after reading dozens of Q/O slash stories, I still watch the death scene and think, "God, the pathos here could have been so much greater if Lucas hadn't screwed things up."

Next time I watch the movie, I'll think, "Why the heck didn't Lucas hire Diana Williams?" Because your video brings out the pathos to the highest degree. Thanks so much for making that video.

**Discussing chan in a rational manner**   
**_E-mail to a slash list, April 2002_**

The discussion on underaged slash at this year's ConneXions convention was eminently civilized. There wasn't a single raised voice (except attempts to get a word in edgewise, because lots of people were eager to talk). One person said (if I may summarize her thoughts, if not her exact words): "As it becomes more and more acceptable to write chanslash, those of us who object to chanslash are beginning to be told, 'You must read this.' I support your right to write these stories; I'd like support for my right not to read them."
**_Interlude & art_**   
**HEADERS**

_Pin and program text by April Valentine for ConneXions 2002 slash convention. The slogan that year was "Two by Two: Come Aboard the ConneXions Ark!"_

{I used the header template below, supplied by a slash list, when I posted my first slash story. Variations on this header continue to be used in the slash fiction world. "Zero Post" is a reference to the post that preceded the numbered sequence of multi-part posts for stories sent to e-mail lists; the zero post contained the header. The "spoiler space" was also a product of the e-mail list culture; it was dropped when most fan fiction writers moved to blog communities.}

All fic posts must have a Zero Post with the pertinent info:

Title   
Author   
Fandom   
Pairing   
Warnings: Any warnings can be found at the bottom of this post.   
Summary.

S   
P   
O   
I   
L   
E   
R

S   
P   
A   
C   
E

Warnings:

You are required to warn for rape and the death of a major character, which most everyone feels means part or all of the slash pairing. Anything else is optional.

o--o--o

{This is what one of my headers looked like.}

_Title:_ Life Prison   
_Author:_ Dusk Darkling   
_Fandom:_ Original Fiction.   
_Pairing:_ The names wouldn't mean anything to you anyway.   
_Rating:_ NC-17, mainly for violence.   
_Series:_ Part of my Master/Other series of original homoerotic fiction on hierarchical relationships.   
_Summary:_ In the unmerciful world of Mercy Prison, there is no rule but unending pain. For Merrick, the arrival of his new guard provides hope that he may break beyond the boundaries of his life prison. But appearances can be deceptive, and Merrick does not yet recognize the danger this guard poses to his future.   
_Feedback:_ duskdarkling@email.com.   
_Copyright:_ (c) 2002 Dusk Darkling.

S   
P   
O   
I   
L   
E   
R

S   
P   
A   
C   
E

_Warnings:_ Rape; violence; love (yes, it's in there).

**_Chapter Three_**   
**WARNINGS AND WEBSITES**

**Setting up my Website**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, April 2002_**

I need to get half a scene finished of a story, so that I'll have enough stories to put my homoerotic fiction site online, and my Muse is being awkward. (You have separate Muses for each character? How entertaining; what if they disagree? Do they go for majority vote, or is a consensus required?)

Other than that, my site plans are looking good; the guys at my ISP said No problem, and they won't even charge me more unless my traffic increases dramatically. (By the way, do you know how much traffic your site gets? That might help me get a handle on what to expect.)

The real problem I'm struggling with is whether to continue posting under a pen name.

**Re: Warnings redux - age restrictions**   
**_E-mail to a slash list, April 2002_**

I agree with a great deal of what you say. I think that our society overexposes the young to adult behavior and then condemn the young when they do no more than follow the models they're given. I'm appalled every time I turn on the television and see what passes for "children's entertainment" these days.

There's one aspect of the matter that I don't think you've given sufficient consideration to, however. The assumption of your post seems to be that kids will not think about "the darker side" of life unless introduced to it by adults.

My own experience as a child was the opposite. I knew about "the darker side" long before I knew that anyone else in the world did; I was inwardly composing stories about slaves and prisoners before I even entered kindergarten. During elementary school, I sought out novels on these topics (as well as on consensual hierarchies, such as lord/liegemen bonds).

I have to tell you, it was frightening as hell being (as I thought) the only person in the world who was intensely interested in these topics. If I'd been exposed as a child to a thoughtful, age-appropriate story that told how others with similar interests coped with their feelings, my life would have been much less burdensome than it was.

**Re: Warnings redux - age restrictions**   
**_E-mail to a slash list, April 2002_**

The very process of trying to create appropriate warnings for my fiction has made me aware that, for many years, I've been holding to a double standard. Until this year, I had never written a graphic sex scene, so I considered all of my writings to be PG. Yet a number of my "PG" stories contain graphic violence. The reason I didn't think of such scenes as "adult" is that they are so common in our culture - and by our culture, I mean western society, reaching back to ancient times. We don't usually think of violence as an "adult" topic . . . unless it is sexual violence.

Yet graphic violence permeates children's entertainment. It's in fairy tales, it's in Bible stories, it's in children's cartoons. I don't think there's any simple answer for what effect such violence has on children. I suspect that a lot has to do with how the material is presented.

Overall, I find the amount of lightly presented violence in programming intended for general audiences to be horrifying. (That one of the all-time great general-audience movies - _The Empire Strikes Back_ - can include a graphic torture scene says a lot about our society.)

**Re: Warnings redux - age restrictions**   
**_E-mail to a slash list, April 2002_**

I have to agree that there are stories out there that are the equivalent of drugs - probably harmless for someone of a mature frame of mind, but highly destructive for anyone who is immature, whether they be child or adult. Guys, I've had interaction with erotica addicts - I don't think we should underestimate the destructive potential of any form of literature. Any time we write a reader's critique that begins, "This story has transformed my life," then we have conceded the power of literature to shape people's minds.

Perhaps the solution lies in acknowledging that "sex," and even "graphic sex," is not a homogenous category. We already recognize this as far as violence is concerned - we recognize that there's a difference between how fairy tales present violence and how a maiming story presents them; we also acknowledge that there's a difference between a sensitively written story about war-time violence and the latest _Indiana Jones_ epic. (I don't want to suggest that the difference lies in whether the author takes a "serious" approach. As I mentioned earlier, you can slip in a serious theme under the cover of humor - _Huckleberry Finn_ is a prime example.)

What bothers me about the uniform warning labels on slash is precisely that they do not differentiate between (say) a story with gratuitous violence against children and a story that sensitively tackles the issue of child abuse. It's like the bad old days in gay literature, when an erotic poem by Oscar Wilde was considered to be the same thing as a senseless piece of gay porn. That type of grouping - categorizing everything sexual as being equal in status - seems to me to defeat the very purpose of warnings.

**Re: FIC: The True Master**   
**_E-mail to the Slash-writers list, April 2002_**

Ah, yes, shall I share with a sympathetic audience the travails of online posting?

This is how my day has gone:

2 pm: Post separate 0/6 posts to _Slash-writers_ and other slash lists. The 0 post for the other slash lists shows up; the 0 post for _Slash-writers_ doesn't. Drum my fingers, knowing from experience that, if I post the 1 post, the 0 post will arrive at Yahoo Groups out of order.

2:15 pm: Decide the people at the other lists are probably getting impatient, and send the 1 post. It doesn't show up on the lists. I go and have lunch.

2:30 pm: The 1 post shows up; I send the 2 post. It doesn't show up. I go and have dessert.

3 p.m.: Still no 2 post. I contemplate doing the laundry and instead have a second dessert.

3:30 pm: Post 0 pops up at _Slash-writers_. No sign of post 2. I go read junk mail.

4 pm: Post 2 finally turns up. I send off posts 3, 4, and 5 in quick succession. Post 3 and 4 make it to Yahoo; post 5 doesn't. I channel my mood into writing an indignant Letter to the Editor.

5:15 pm: Rene posts her message at _Slash-writers_ , gently hinting that she'd like to see the rest of my story.

And so on. All in all, it took me five hours of babysitting my computer to get the darn story online.

Right now, I'm not sure whether I should be directing my strangling tendencies toward Yahoo or toward my e-mail company (which is named FastMail, so one hopes not). I'm inclined to blame Yahoo, but that may only be because I have an innate bias toward mega-corporations. So I'm wondering whether anyone else has had similar problems in posting to Yahoo lists.

Dusk (who hopes this post reaches the list before the next millennium)

**Re: FIC: The True Master**   
**_E-mail to a reader, April 2002_**

I can tell you what was consciously on my mind while I was writing the story. One thought was a combination of amusement and frustration that people in our society tend to think of sexual orientation only along the lines of gender attraction, while it's quite obvious that sexuality is more complex than that. I mean, take a look at the different ways in which the sexualities below are classified by society:

1) Attraction of a man to another man - sexual orientation.

2) Attraction of a man to the idea of being bound whenever he has sex - fetish.

3) Attraction of a man to a boy - mental illness.

4) Attraction of a woman to the idea of two men going to bed together - literary taste.

Now, leaving aside the ethical issues raised by the above sexualities (which are certainly quite important), it seems silly to me that our society uses language that obscures the fact that, in all of these cases, we're talking about people who have sexual desires that are channelled in one direction or another. So I thought it would be interesting to write about a society that conceived of "orientation" in an entirely different way from our society.

The other thing I was thinking about was a letter to Miss Manners that I read once: it was written by a foreign woman who said that she found it difficult to follow the American practice of looking directly into the eyes of other people, because she had been taught that this was rude. It just so happens that _I_ find it difficult to meet the eyes of strangers I'm passing on the street, but I live in a friendly community where it's de rigueur to look at the other person and smile. It occurred to me that, if I'd grown up in this woman's culture, I wouldn't be at all ashamed for feeling the desire to drop my eyes whenever I pass someone on the street. So it's experiences like that which helped me to shape Celadon's dilemma.

**Re: FIC: The True Master**   
**_E-mail to another reader, April 2002_**

_The True Master_ (which I started writing several months ago, before I wrote _Life Prison_ ) was actually the first story I ever wrote with an on-screen sex scene in it. I've written a couple of others since then, but the choice of the "describe mainly through conversation" style of the second sex encounter was a deliberate decision on the part of my Muse - I simply didn't know enough about writing sex scenes at that point to do it any other way.

I still feel more comfortable with the "less is more" approach to inserting sex into stories. I discovered (when I tried to write a PWP) that my Muse won't let me write sex scenes for the sake of the eroticism - the scenes have to be there purely in order to reveal something important about the sexuality of the participants. I'd loved to have written the scene in which Brun trains Celadon for the first time in how to serve him sexually, but my Muse said, "Nope. You've already made the point of how Celadon's desire to serve affects his sexuality - you don't need to make it a second time."

Thanks for your criticisms, which I have slid over only because dropping my eyes and accepting the reprimands silently seems the most proper response. :)

**Conclusion about story warnings**   
**_Post to the Slash-writers list, May 2002_**

I thought I'd pass on to you guys the feedback I've gotten about the topic of story warnings, both here and at the _Boys in Chains_ list, as well as the unintentional feedback that readers have given me by telling me when they were misled by my warnings.

The conclusions I've reached are:

1) Some readers really hate warnings and want a warning-free space.

2) Some readers really like warnings, either because they're squicked by certain topics or because they will only read stories with certain topics. These readers want extremely detailed warnings. I had several instances of readers being misled because my warnings were too brief, giving a misleading sense of the nature of the story (for example, I'd say "rape" for a story in which rape played only a small role).

3) Most readers who dislike warnings nonetheless said that they like tables of content that give a rough idea of the nature of the story, whether through summaries or through the classification of the stories under subheadings.

I've therefore decided to post two tables of content at my site. One will have summaries, classifications (e.g., "Prisoners," "Liege Men"), and brief warnings of male/female content. The other will have all of the above, plus extremely detailed warnings with spoilers. I will also give readers the alternative of writing to me if they want to avoid spoilers but need to know whether particular topics occur in any of my stories. In addition, I plan to start following this policy with the headings for the stories I post at lists.

**Moderating**   
**_E-mail to a fellow slasher, May 2002_**

I have a question about moderating. I'm starting an e-mail list for my writings (since none of the lists I'm on will take all of my writings - my interests are too wide-ranging), and I can't for the life of me figure out how one deletes archived posts at Yahoo Groups. Do you happen to know?

**Re: Templates**   
**_E-mail to a relative, May 2002_**

Thanks! The templates came through fine; since I already had the sites prepared, other than this, I just went ahead and changed everything at the code level - it was easier that way.

Do you know, there's been so much demand in the fan fiction community for my fiction (this is my unmarketable stuff, which would otherwise die in my desk drawer) that I've had to start up an e-mail list devoted to my writings that are at the feedback stage, for the sake of the people who've been searching list archives to find my stories. The darn thing's not even officially open, and _already_ I got an e-mail from someone this morning saying she wants to join the list.

**To start with . . .**   
**_Post to my own list, May 2002_**

Welcome to my list; be sure to read the welcome notice you receive when you first sign up for the list. I already have several stories online; I will post here the headers for the stories but only link to the stories themselves.

As soon as we get a reasonable number of people here ("when two or three are gathered"), I'll post a couple of recent stories.

**New Website**   
**_E-mail to my ISP representative, May 2002_**

It's looking good. The only slight glitch is that, whenever I sign in, I get the following message:

"The host key database does not contain an entry for the hostname duskdarkling.org, which resolved to 123.45.678.910, port 22. If you have received this message more than once for duskdarkling.org, this may mean that duskdarkling.org is an 'alias' which resolves to different hosts."

Care to translate?

I've just been putting together an e-mail list devoted to my writings, which is an _utter_ exercise in self-glory.

**My site's up!**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, May 2002_**

Mind you, you probably know that already, since I spammed the lists with my notice this afternoon. Already I have four people signed up for my e-mail list, which is the biggest compliment I've gotten in a long time.

http://www.duskdarkling.org

Have you been going through _Boys in Chains_ withdrawal like me? Things have reached the point where I'm searching Google for the cached stories.

I don't think I mentioned that next week I'm going off the medicine that's been keeping my eyes happy since last summer. (It's doxycycline, the antibiotic of choice in fighting anthrax. Last fall, when all of the post offices round here were falling one by one like dominoes, I was convinced that a riot would start if anyone heard me asking for a refill at the local pharmacy.)

At any rate, there's a chance my eyes will decline and I'll be unable to go on the Web. (Technically, I can use my screen reader - which voices what's on the screen - but it's too much of a hassle for multi-step tasks like reading e-mail.) Just wanted to let you know, in case I went silent. If my eyes _do_ decline, my doctor will put me back on the doxycycline.

**Male slashers**   
**_E-mail to a friend, May 2002_**

At ConneXions, the male/female ratio was 120:3. The _Male Slash Writers Archive_ has two dozen writers listed; the _Male Slash Writers_ list has 34 members; the _Male Slash Fans_ list has 90 members. (Contrast this with the _Phantom Menace_ slash list, which has a thousand members.) Though I doubt every male slash fan will join a list devoted to male slash fans, I think the numbers give a fairly accurate view of the situation; I've yet to run across anyone with a male-sounding nickname on the lists I subscribe to. In the slash world - rather refreshingly from the point of view of someone like myself, who has always followed traditional grammar on this matter - the generic pronoun is "she."

On the other hand, one of the most prominent members of the slash community - one who runs the major database for slashdom - is a gay man. When he spoke at the convention I attended (giving tips on making male/male sex realistic), the organizers gave him a time and auditorium to himself, so that everyone could attend.

Incidentally, there are a number of lesbian and bisexual women in the slash community. I attended the female/female slash panel on the last day of the convention, and there were a couple of dozen women there, most of whom, it appeared from the discussion, were same-gender-attracted.

Now, then: I now have my own domain for my fiction writings. (Matter of fact, I now have my own mailing list devoted to my fiction - nine people have signed up since I announced it yesterday.) The domain's for all of my fiction, but the unmarketable stuff - i.e. the R- and NC-17-rated homoerotic stories - are most likely to end up there.

I woke up this morning and thought, "Oh my god. I have a list where people are waiting to read my stories. This means I have to produce stories."

**List publication vs. Web publication**   
**_E-mail to a slash list, May 2002_**

My apologies for spamming the list again (I'm sure you're beginning to wonder, "When is a post _not_ by Dusk Darkling going to appear?"), but I have a question only you guys can answer.

I've been finding the normal process of publication in slashdom - e-mail the story to the lists, then revise the story and upload it onto one's site - to be both time-consuming and an eye strain. In order to prepare the stories for e-mail, I must reformat them (which includes doing a search to find the italicized words and replacing them with asterisks); then I have to figure out how to divide the story into post-sized segments; then I must post the story in roughly six installments - six times I have to fill out the address and subject heading and copy the segment over - and then I have to check the lists in order to find out whether the posts have arrived.

And then, when it comes time to publish the story at my site, I have to start all over again. It's all becoming a bit too much. So what I was wondering was this: What do you think readers of the lists would think if I posted my stories at my site while the stories were still at the beta stage, and then simply posted a header and link to the story at the lists themselves? Would you be willing to click on such a link if you came across it on a list? Or is your e-mail reading something separate from your Web reading? Are there any other reasons why readers might prefer to receive an e-mail version of the story rather than be referred over to a Web version?

**Reading**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, May 2002_**

Oh lord, didn't I give you the saga on that? Long ago (last year, to be precise), in a galaxy far, far away, I woke up to discover that I couldn't read print any more.

It was almost that quick: at the beginning of January I had no eye problems, at the end of January I was on my way toward total blindness. I was finally diagnosed with severe dry eye, which is sort of like being told, "You have a hangnail. You should lose your limb within the year."

Fortunately, modern medicine provides alternatives. I can read large print now - not to mention being able to see computer and TV and movie screens, which I couldn't do for the first half of last year - but I still have to be careful about how much time I spend using my eyes for the above activities.

My best friend, who is legally blind, said, "I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but when you first told me about your eye problems, I was really, really sorry . . . but I was also thinking, 'Yes! She's one of us now!'"

Every fully sighted person I've spoken to has treated this as a tragedy, whereas I see it as a tragedy that _didn't_ happen. It's as though I was unexpectedly expelled to another country and then received a notice saying, "It's all right. We're giving you dual citizenship."

So don't get me started on how luscious a writing system braille is. :)

**Re: List publication vs. Web publication**   
**_Post to a slash list, May 2002_**

You guys are the greatest.

Your posts sparked the following thoughts:

1) I wish I had a bunch of you living next door to me so I could pop over and say, "Hey, I can't get my word processor to do such-and-such - how do you deal with that problem?"

2) Life is not easy for those of us who are prone to italics.

You give some persuasive reasons for sending the text out by e-mail. On the other side of the coin, my eyes (which have been listening in on this conversation and have a wedded interest in the topic, as I'm low vision) aren't convinced about that five-to-ten-minutes schedule. A half hour to convert to e-mail format and mail and a half hour to convert to HTML format has been how long it's been taking me.

I can see that it would be a lot easier if I could automate most of the procedure. Alas, I have to write in word processing format because some of my stuff will be ending up on publishers' desks. I wish that some techie out there would come up with a program that automatically converts RTF files into mail-formatted plain text _with_ asterisks around the italicized words - you'd think that somebody would have thought of this. However, here's my questions on converting to HTML.

1) I use WordPerfect. Does anyone know whether WordPerfect's program for conversion to HTML puts in lots of gunky codes, like MS Word does?

2) When I make the conversion, WordPerfect insists upon replacing the dashes with hyphens. Anyone know of a solution around this?

Deirdre, you wrote that you open a blank e-mail for each part.

Oh, my. Do you know you've just saved me twenty minutes right there?

Reading that line was one of those *duh* experiences - why didn't I think to do that before? As for publishing to HTML, that shouldn't be a problem for my WordPerfect, other than its inability to keep the dashes as dashes. I ran across a program called HTML Tidy last night - has anyone used this? Is it helpful?

Deirdre, you also suggested that I wrap the lines in my e-mails to 70 characters.

Ah, that's my other problem (as those of you who read my posts on the Web will have realized). I use Web-based e-mail, so I can't control the line length through my e-mail program. I've tried cutting down the WordPerfect margins to one inch left and two-and-a-half inches right, and it seems to have no effect. Am I missing something obvious here?

Dusk (who apologizes for turning this list into a Word Processing Basics class)

**Ratings of stories**   
**_Post to a slash list, May 2002_**

Obviously I'm not through in my quest to explore all aspects of the header.

Ratings seemed straightforward enough at first. Here's how I'd been rating my stories for the slash lists, based upon the theoretical descriptions of movie ratings that I'd read on the Web. (By the way, you'll notice that [1] I don't write G stories, and [2] I've never been able to figure out the purpose of the PG-13 rating, other than to let six-year-olds go to blood-and-gore movies.)

_PG:_   
Off-stage sex.   
Off-stage violence.

_R:_   
Nudity in a sexual context (i.e. showing the couple in bed together after they've had sex).   
Nongraphic sex.   
Nongraphic violence.

_NC-17:_   
Graphic sex   
Graphic violence

However, when I went back to rate my stories for general readers (or so I'd regarded those stories, because I'd never written an on-stage sex scene in my life till this year), I had a shock. Here, in reality, is the ratings system I've been following all my life.

_PG:_   
Nudity in a sexual context.   
Off-stage sex.   
Brief graphic violence (e.g., a knife held to the throat).

_R:_   
Nongraphic sex.   
Extended graphic violence.

_NC-17:_   
Graphic sex.   
Sexual violence.

I think that I developed this system simply because it's the ratings system I grew up with. I don't think that there was a single open reference to sex on television when I was growing up, but there was tons of graphic violence, so my mind automatically categorized graphic violence as acceptable to general audiences - though, having a tender conscience, I had subconsciously decided that extended torture scenes should be rated R.

Ah, how our minds can be warped without us knowing it. My practical question is (1) how do you define each level of your ratings system, and (2) do you practice the ideal of the ratings system - sex and violence treated as equivalents in degree at each level of the ratings - or the reality of the ratings system - more violence than sex permitted at each level?

**Movies**   
**_Post to a list for D.C. slashers, May 2002_**

I haven't seen _Maurice_ in years and would love to see it again. (The last time I saw it was in England, and the commentary surrounding its broadcast was hysterically funny from the American point of view - the big question everyone was asking was, "Should we broadcast this movie about homosexuality at nine p.m. or ten?")

Questions:

Is _Kizuna_ based on the manga by Kazuma Kodaka? Or is _Kizuna_ just a common word?

_In the Flesh_ caught my eye, but it might only be because I'm reading too much Obi-Wan whorefic.

One thing that struck me about the list was that all thirty-six movies were contemporary. Isn't anyone besides Merchant Ivory making homoerotic historicals? Or fantasy? Or anything else that would take us into other times and places?

Dusk (admittedly biased toward premodern settings)

**About your latest story**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, May 2002_**

So, the message of the tale is, when Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan reach orgasm within the Force, stand back. :)

I liked how they joined together at the end - so that the story didn't conform to the usual Top!Qui-Gon or Top!Obi-Wan pattern - though it's not clear to me what Qui-Gon's original plan was, and how far Obi-Wan conformed with it.

I also like how you made the ending realistic - there was none of the feeling that you get at the end of _Return of the Jedi_ , where all problems are solved, and the heroes just need to stand around looking heroic. "Overworked, underpaid, and unappreciated" is more like it.

My problem with the tale is the same as my problem with _Star Wars_ : the strict division between light and dark. Though I loved finding out what Kal was up to, I was a bit disappointed too, because for me he had been the indicator in the story that good and evil aren't strictly divided in wartime - that people who care about each other can end up on different sides of a battlefield, and that good people can support evil systems.

But my _real_ disappointment was that Obi-Wan was the first person to say "I love you" once he and Qui-Gon were conscious again. I wanted there to be a nice angsty moment when it looked as though Qui-Gon would go back to his old ways.

But hey, the introduction of that eye patch made up for all else.

Congratulations on getting the novel done!

Love,   
Dusk (who made the mistake of visiting the _m_a_ list {the e-mail list for the _Master & Apprentice_ website for _Phantom Menace_ slash stories} at 12:20 a.m., and is still up an hour later)

**Male behavior in slash (was: What Makes a Pairing?)**   
**_Post to a slash list, May 2002_**

First of all, let me say that I agree with what you and Wyn say about the advisability of not projecting behavior that is common to one gender onto another gender. I noticed this in _Queer as Folk_ (U.S.), when the scriptwriters (whom I assume to be male) had the lesbians in the show act like men, going for the groin in ten seconds flat. Not that there aren't women who won't do that - or times when any woman would do that - but since the other main characters of the show were men who had obviously never heard of the word "foreplay," I found it a bit suspicious.

Having agreed with you in general, I'm afraid I must go on to amend what you say. Every time this topic comes up, I end up saying the same thing: Guys, it depends on what period we're talking about.

In much of present-day U.S., egalitarian relationships in which both parties show the same sort of gender behavior are exalted above all other types of relationships. Surprise, surprise, you find most gays conforming to the same standards as straights do.

But in some other societies throughout history, matters have been handled differently. To call this behavior in other societies "cross-gender" may be anachronistic - these other societies may have a whole different way of looking at gender, one that doesn't regard certain types of "effeminate" behavior as having anything to do with women at all.

Regarding the slash tradition of making one person in the couple weaker and more vulnerable: Well, yes, it is very traditional couple thinking. You can find it in the traditional male/male couples of ancient times.

But then, you can also find egalitarian male/male couples in ancient times. In every era, people pick a particular type of behavior and declare it to be _the_ behavior for a particular gender. If you're a freeborn man living in Ancient Rome, and you admit that you like fellating another freeborn man, heavens! you're not a man at all. You're the Roman equivalent of a queen. But if you're the one being fellated, you're a man par excellence. (Having been watching _Oz_ recently, I get the feeling that this particular tradition is alive and well in certain parts of the U.S.)

Our own society has decided that any man who goes all weepy isn't acting like a man. Well, here's what a "man" did in medieval France, according to _The Song of Roland_. (Roland, for those of you who don't know, is the French equivalent of Achilles and King Arthur - he's the epitome of manhood for the French.)

Line 2022: Roland weeps.   
Line 2031: Roland faints.   
Line 2193: Turpin weeps.   
Line 2117: Roland weeps.   
Line 2220: Roland faints.   
Line 2381: Roland weeps.   
Line 2415: All the lords of France weep.   
Line 2416: And twenty thousand of them faint.

And that just covers one-tenth of the tale.

I don't read contemporary-setting slash, so I'm willing to believe you guys when you say that the portraits of men and of male-male couples in contemporary-setting slash are often unrealistic. I just wish you wouldn't make general statements about this, as though "manly" behavior was the same in every era.

Or "womanly" behavior for that matter. When I was a kid, I owned a game designed for the brave girls who wanted to take up the challenge of a career. My choices in the game? Teacher, librarian, stewardess, and ballerina.

Oh, my. The younger fans probably think that having women weep and faint in slash stories is unrealistic.

**Intro and link to slave/prisoner stories**   
**_Post to the MaleAbuseStuff (MAS) list, May 2002_**

Well, I just spent an unprofitable evening searching for fiction on hierarchical relationships (my particular area of interest) - keyword searches on Google got me nowhere. Finally it occurred to me to check out _Slash Cotillion_ {an archive for historical slash}, my reasoning being that, since most relationships throughout history have been hierarchical, this would be the place to find the fiction on them.

There I found "Pink Triangle," whereupon I nearly sprained my fingers typing the author's name into Google to track down her (his?) site, which in turn led me here. (By the way, it's nice to visit a list like this that has a mixed-gender membership.)

I've had a longtime interest in stories about men who are struggling with impulses they feel they shouldn't act on - or else everyone else feels they shouldn't act on the impulses, but they haven't figured that out yet. Stories about rape are just a small part of my interest in that topic, but certainly I have an interest there. I'm also interested in rape recovery stories; I've been collecting links on those.

Anyway, I'm posting a recent tale, and below are links to two of my other stories, which are on my site. They're about consensual relationships that occur within settings where abuse is taking place.

**Re: Real men** ** _never_** **cry**   
**_Post to a slash list, May 2002_**

You can blame me for the "weeps" and "faints" summaries; I wasn't in the mood to type in all of the words used to describe what was happening. And yes, I was aware that the Roland/Arthur/Achilles analogy wasn't exact, and I was also aware of the circumstances under which Roland was doing whatever the French says he is doing. (I could hardly have missed all those corpses piling up.) But I don't think that changes the essential point I was making, which is that gender-specific behavior changes from era to era.

Let me mention another literary passage, one that isn't littered with corpses: it comes from Dante's autobiography. Young Dante has just come close to fainting (yes, it's there in the original) at sight of the girl he's in love with, and her friends have been mocking him. He flees the room.

"Then I left [my friend] and returned to my room of tears, where, weeping and suffering the agony of shame, I said to myself: 'If my lady knew of my condition, I do not believe she would so mock at my appearance; indeed, I think she would feel great compassion.' And while I was still weeping I decided to compose verses addressed to her, explaining the reason for my change of countenance, saying that I was aware that people did not know of it and that if it were known it would rouse compassion. I decided to do this, hoping that the verses might perchance be heard by her . . ."

How many of us have stories to match that? :) Of course it's a typical tale of young love, and I've no doubt there are young men right now weeping their hearts out over their beloveds - _but_ how many of them would record this in their autobiographies? Autobiographies written (it's clear from everything else Dante writes) in an exalted state of pride? Dante's _Vita Nuova_ is filled to the brim with passages like this - it's obvious that he believes that strong emotional behavior by men, whether weeping or fainting or anything else, is not in the least bit shameful. And that's a very different situation than we have today.

**Security**   
**_E-mail to a same-sex-attracted friend, May 2002_**

I've been taking part in the slash community since the beginning of the year - if you haven't heard of it before, slash is homoerotic (mainly male homoerotic) fiction and art (mainly fan fiction) written (mainly) by women, for women. Got that? :)

As you can imagine, this isn't the sort of hobby one announces to one's neighbors, particularly as a goodly portion of slash is erotica. So the slash world is primarily a niche world. There are people on the slash forums who could lose their jobs if their slash writings became connected to their real-life identity.

But . . .

1) I recently started an e-mail list for my homoerotic writings. It's an e-mail list because nobody uses discussion boards in the slash world. Nobody cares whether anyone knows their IP address. I gave the subscribers the option to mask their e-mail address from me (it's an announcement-only list, so this would effectively make them anonymous). Only one subscriber has taken advantage of this offer so far. Nobody else is afraid of getting hate mail.

2) I've been in correspondence with two slash fans concerning the mailing of fan material to me. Both fans were quite happy to give me their real-life names and addresses. There's a slashers' group in D.C., which meets for various functions - the addresses of the places where the group meets are posted on the public list.

3) I recently attended a slash convention, held at a hotel (I'm told that the hotel management came to stare at the erotica at the slash art display). A goodly number of the attendees had their real-life names on their badges. They weren't concerned about 200 strangers knowing their name.

Now, in light of all the above, I can imagine how an outing would be handled on a slash list. There would be a brief splutter of apologies, and perhaps the list owner would go to the trouble to delete the post from the archives. And that would be it. End of problem.

By contrast - I need hardly tell you - an outing on your boards is treated like a drive-by shooting. The admin holds extensive conversations to determine whether the offender should be expelled from the board. Lengthier conversations - which may involve bringing in admin from other boards - are held to see whether the board's security measures need to be revised. And all the while, Letters to the Editor are pouring in from bystanders who observed the tragic event and want to offer their two cents.

**What I write**   
**_E-mail to a gay fiction writer, May 2002_**

I write fantasy fiction (I'm still hammering on the doors of the editors' offices, but my rejection letters have started to look encouraging), and everything I'd written up till this year was for general readers. Every now and then, male homoeroticism or transgenderism would wander in, but usually from the viewpoint of people who were opposed to the above. I find it interesting to write about people with conservative views on sexuality, since they go through such incredible trauma if they traverse the moral standards they've set for themselves. Victorian-style morality makes for fun plots.

What started me writing a slew of homoerotic stories this year was stumbling across the slash community, which provided me with a ready audience for the unmarketable stories that had been floating around in my head for several years, which I'd despaired of ever putting down on paper (mainly stories about consensual hierarchical relationships). I like the slash community a lot, but I didn't want to become hedged into a single writing community, much less a largely single-gender audience, so I thought I'd see whether there were any thriving gay fiction lists around.
**_Interlude & art_**   
**WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD OF ORIGINAL YAOI PUBLISHING DURING 2002**   
_By mdbl, founder of_ Private Parlor

_Cover art for the November 2001 issue of_ Cream and Chrysanthemums _, by mdbl._

**Dusk Peterson's introduction**

While searching for original slash fiction in early 2002, I found mdbl's _Private Parlor_ , which provided annotated recommendations of both original yaoi stories and original slash stories. At that time, _Private Parlor_ and _Slash Online_ were the only two recommendations websites I could locate that listed original slash, a little-known subgenre in 2002.

Years later, mdbl was searching for someone to maintain _Private Parlor_. I offered to host the website, and in the process of discussing the arrangements with her, I asked her what the state of original yaoi had been like at the time she created her recommendations list. The essay below is an expansion of her reply to me.

_Illustration by mdbl for_ Charm _, originally published in Umbrella Studios's_ Anthology 01 _(2000)._

**mdbl's reminiscence**

It was approximately 1996 or 1997 when I first became interested in yaoi via the anime series _Gundam Wing_. Some of the authors participating in this fandom were also writing their own original yaoi fiction, so it was a natural progression to move onto what else they had to offer when I ran out of the latest installment _Gundam Wing_ works-in-progress. The earliest original yaoi that I recall reading was Sahari's _Tiger Prince_ series, as well as Pluto's variety of original self-contained stories. Thera was publishing the first-draft of her popular fic _Absolution_ , and the _Black Widower_ by Janette was also ongoing and updated frequently. A mainstay within the yaoi community, _Aestheticism.com_ housed a large archive of yaoi works which included original fiction in addition to fanfiction. The Online Comic Artist Directory (http://ocad.astralmatrix.net) had published an interview with Pluto about the phenomena of "yaoi" and original slash, further exposing the new culture to the public.

The state of the fiction was very raw and unrefined. I was young though so the quality of the work didn't matter much; I was just happy to have something different from derivative yaoi fiction or the typical heteronormative options to read. Embarrassingly, I remember writing story with Pluto titled _Duet_ , a first-person perspective from a pair of twins which switched POVs every other chapter and explored the clichés of S&M, college relationships, and incest. It was terrible! But it was also creative and exciting and it was pure fantasy.

The majority of original yaoi stories at the time could be categorized under fantasy, from the exotic kingdom of the Tiger Prince, to Pluto's gritty street crime romances, or alien worlds crossing in _Absolution_ , to even the sci-fi dystopia of _Black Widower_ , seeking relationships and connections in foreign settings of naive whimsy, populated by bizarrely beautiful people. I suppose the writing was also less about quality and more about having fun in a new, unexplored genre, drawing on influences from anime and video-games-related backgrounds like _Yu Yu Hakusho_ , _Gundam Wing_ , or _Final Fantasy VII_.

For those who were seeking such escapes, popular mailing lists such as _YSML_ ( _Yaoi/Slash Mailing List_ ) and the _Aestheticism_ mailing list on Yahoo Groups made these stories accessible through email as often as the writers were posting new chapters.

A further extension of original yaoi fiction found expression in original self-published comics, mostly explored by the members of the doujinshi circle Passionate Kiss, including Pluto, Tammy Lee, Ashura, Harley Sparks, Kyoko, Megumi, Mirai, Lime B, Neko M, Sonya St. Germain, and Nuriko. (Passionate Kiss would later become Umbrella Studios.) The comics were initially published individually, and later collected into a single issue released by Umbrella as the _Anthology 00_ , which was sold online and at conventions. It's very embarrassing to recall that early work, as we attempted to emulate Japanese artistic styles without any formal artistic training. It all failed horribly, yet we still enjoyed our efforts.

_Aestheticism_ provided the majority of resource material to the writers and fans through articles and a forum, before they had the cybershoppe or the trading post. It wasn't much though, so I relied more on the original boys' love websites that I frequented, such as Pluto's site, or Sahari's and their available links or recommendation pages.

It was a different experience to bring to the yaoi world, fresh from the anime experience, a new avenue to explore. The level of writing and art at its highest was perhaps ninth-grade high-school level, but mostly the best part of it was that it was something to call our own.

[Private Parlor _is still available online. You can see cached versions of_Online Comic Artist Directory _,_Aestheticism _,_Passionate Kiss _, and_Umbrella Studios _at the_ Internet Archive _. Pluto's_American Comiket _reviews many of the original yaoi publications from that period._ ]

_Illustration by mdbl for_ Charm _._

**_Chapter Four_**   
**A NEW** ** _STAR WARS_** **MOVIE COMES OUT, AND THE FANFICCERS GO WILD**

**Attack of the Clones (what else?)**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, May 2002_**

Did I tell you that my ophthalmologist gave me permission to see _Star Wars Episode II?_ Actually, his exact words were, "Since you're in the middle of working on a commissioned article, you can delay a month before going off the antibiotics." But I know what he meant. :)

I saw _Episode II_ last night; my impressions are at the end of this letter, below spoiler space in case you haven't seen the movie yet. (Have a nice giggle over that idea.)

In honor of _Attack of the Clones_ , I've been finishing up a story I started a while ago { _Crossing the Cliff_ } - it began as a Q/O AU story, but then I realized that it wasn't going to be slash, and after that I realized that Obi-Wan refused to make an appearance (his part of apprentice being taken over by a usurper), so I turned it into an original fic, gen, master/apprentice story. {"Gen" is short for "general"; it refers to a story whose plotline doesn't center on romance or sexual attraction, whether gay or heterosexual.} I think the master's related to Qui-Gon, though. :)

**Attack of the Clones**   
**_Post to a slash list, May 2002_**

I could go on forever about my general thoughts on _Attack of the Clones_ (especially my admiration for Darth Sidious's clever plot to acquire more power, which none of the reviewers seemed to appreciate or even understand). However, I'll cut to the chase on a slash-related question.

Has it struck anyone else that George Lucas seems uncommonly eager to split up his master/apprentice pairings?

That killed _TPM_ for me when I saw it in the theaters; Qui-Gon's death scene had absolutely no emotional impact on me, because Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan had spent so little time together in the movie. When Qui-Gon should have been bonding with Obi-Wan - because the loss of their relationship was supposed to create the emotional climax of the film - he was off wasting his time with . . . Well, I won't start on what I think of Jake Lloyd's acting in _TPM_. (I liked the movie a lot better after I'd read several dozen Q/O stories, where the slash writers added the emotional bond that Lucas forgot.)

In _Episode II_ , Lucas does better - he does give Obi-Wan and Anakin ample opportunity to exchange witty repartee. But I'm sure I wasn't the only person who was drumming their fingers during the Padme/Anakin scenes - this despite the fact that I think Padme should get an award for avoiding the Simpering Heroine Syndrome that plagues fantasy films. (This was largely thanks to Natalie Portman, who delivered awful lines like, "Don't look at me like that," in a no-nonsense fashion.) When Padme used a hairpin to escape her handcuff while Obi-Wan and Anakin were trying to figure out what to do, I clapped like crazy.

I think Anakin and Padme deserved a film to themselves; perhaps they could have gotten beyond the horrible dialogue Lucas loaded upon them and reached the promise in Anakin's sultry looks. Obi-Wan and Anakin (needless to say) also deserved a film to themselves. What I can't figure out is why Lucas didn't write two films. Why, other than blind adherence to film tradition, did he feel the need to collapse an engaging master/apprentice tale and a potentially promising love tale into a single movie?

I ended up feeling about the Obi-Wan/Anakin and Padme/Anakin pairings the way I did about the movie's gorgeous settings, which switched so quickly that you barely had time to appreciate a setting before a new one arrived: in _Attack of the Clones_ , less would have been more.

**Re: Attack of the Clones**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, May 2002_**

Oh, yes, Ewan. He's without a doubt the best human actor in the film. (As far as actors in general are concerned, Yoda brought down the house.) He's the only actor who seemed able to breathe life into Lucas's lines - anyone who can say, "Your clones are very impressive," with a straight face deserves a Lifetime Achievement award.

Was interested to see how few people on the _m_a_ list were interested in an Obi/Anakin pairing. There really wasn't much of a bond between Obi-Wan and Anakin in the movie - Anakin's comment about Obi-Wan being like a father to him just didn't ring true.

All the better for us - it means that people won't stop writing Q/O stories.

Speaking of feedback, I'm crossing my fingers that I won't bore people off my list by posting gen stuff. I'm going by my own reactions to authors - if I like an author, I'll read anything she's written (unless it's fanfic that I don't know the backstory for). But I got curious (and bored) the other night and started looking at the profiles of the list's members - one of the profiles had an X-rated picture of a woman whose hobby is "ponygirls." Somehow I don't think she's on the list to read my PG stuff.

**Re: Attack of the Clones**   
**_Post to a slash list, May 2002_**

Well, it has taken me a few days to figure this out, and no doubt some of you are ahead of me on this. But I think the essential problem is that people have been saying, "O/A=Q/O," and it's obvious that this isn't true, so people are concluding that Anakin is useless in a pairing.

Wrong model. I think O/A=Q/X {i.e. Obi-Wan/Anakin=Qui-Gon/Xanatos}.

There is obviously something seriously dysfunctional about the relationship between Obi-Wan and Anakin, and I think it goes beyond the usual father/teenage-son struggle. We see Obi-Wan learning that his padawan will die a horrible death as a result of his attempt to rescue his master, and Obi-Wan's reaction is to make sarcastic remarks. As for Anakin, when his first decision in the movie to obey the Jedi Council came at the moment that obeying the council would increase Obi-Wan's danger, something in the back of my mind was saying, "He wants Obi-Wan dead."

In retrospect, I think that part of the reason that George Lucas devoted an entire movie ( _Phantom Menace_ ) to a master/apprentice relationship that wouldn't continue in the later movies is that he wanted us to see how truly awful the O/A relationship is in contrast to the way master/apprentice relationships are _supposed_ to be. A parallel exists between Q/O and O/A, but it's a parallel between health and corruption. Some of the parallel imagery in _Attack of the Clones_ made me shiver, especially the moment toward the end of the movie when Anakin races forward alone, lightsaber in hand, deliberately abandoning Obi-Wan in order to show up his master.

Can anyone remember the last time in _Phantom Menace_ that we see a padawan race forward alone with lightsaber in hand? And what the padawan's motive was for running forward?

So I think that Anakin is supposed to be a Xanatos figure, a padawan who, at the beginning of this movie, is on the point of abandoning his master's back. No doubt we'll see some active back-stabbing next time.

I believe that the Xanatos slash writers have a new player to work with. Which leads me to conclude that Anakin would be an appropriate participant at _The Obi-Wan Torture Oasis_. I can see him kidnapping Obi-Wan and doing seriously nasty things to him.

Of course, this theory may simply reflect my desire to see more Bottom!Obi stories. I agree with the participant at _m_a_ who said that she likes the older, maturer Obi-Wan, but that she misses the padawan who looked up to his master with a twinkle in his eye.

**Slash**   
**_E-mail to a friend, May 2002_**

I suspect the number of slash fans would be even larger if the genre were well known. At the convention I kept meeting women who stumbled into the idea of male homoerotic fiction and art. They were shown slash by a friend and thought it was weird at first, and then warmed to the idea.

I'm in a frivolous mood, having seen _Star Wars Episode II_ on Thursday, which of course is the Second Coming for those of us in the Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan slash fandom.

Am busy finishing up a little nonhomoerotic master/apprentice tale - just spent some time on the phone with my best friend's husband, who does medical volunteer work, telling him, "I've got a character who has just been shot at short range by a crossbow. What are his symptoms, please?"

**Star Wars: The Phantom Menace**   
**_Post to the Slash-writers list, May 2002_**

_TOTO: The Obi-Wan Torture Oasis._ This site exemplifies how truth-in-advertising does not prevail in the slash world. If I visited a site with this title containing gay erotica, I'd expect the stories to revel and glory in nastiness. Instead, this site is filled with some deeply thoughtful pieces on the terrible consequences of torture and rape. Oh, and the stories are fun to read too.

**Original slash**   
**_Post to a slash list, May 2002_**

Original fiction has an outsider's status within the slash community, simply because there are a lot of people saying, "Slash is fan fiction." Granted, but a lot of us like slashy original fiction, and this is the place where it's most likely to show up.

I think that the second-class status of "original slash" is shown by the fact that most slash readers wince when they see the above phrase. Yet the term "original yaoi" is widely accepted, even though yaoi began exclusively as fan fiction. I'm not sure why the yaoi community is much more accepting of original fiction than the slash community is, but you can see the effect this has on writers by the fact that original fiction is much less often found on slash lists than on yaoi lists.

Having ranted above about the outsider's status of original fic within the slash community, I should add that I have not personally had any fallout from this. The slash readers who have written to me have been uniformly positive about my decision to post original fiction on the slash lists.

I was writing m/m fiction long before I encountered slash, but I'm deeply indebted to the slash community, because it gave me an audience for this type of writing and encouraged me to put down onto paper some of the more daring stuff I would otherwise never have dared write down.

**Re: Movies**   
**_Post to a list for D.C. slashers, May 2002_**

You guys proposed watching _Bent_ , _Maurice_ , or _Lost Language of Cranes_.

Historical dramas! And repressed English parents! Go for it!

I didn't attend last time because . . . um . . . I'm dead broke and can't afford a taxi from the Metro. Sorry to sound so pathetic and whimpering. (You're welcome to write an angst story with me standing on a corner in beggar's clothes.) Anyway, I felt a bit shy about asking for a ride last time, but the prospect of missing out on a historical drama is enough to allow me to overcome my pride.

**My Muse proddeth**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, May 2002_**

So after sitting on my article submission for a year and a half, _Christianity Today_ decides to get in touch with me. "We need a rewrite," they say. "Please cut half the words out. And please add new material."

While I'm trying to figure out how to reconcile these two commands, they add, "And we need it in a week's time."

Now I remember why I retired from journalism. But this was my last big project before hanging up my reporters' hat, so I'm obliged to see it through. At least it beats cleaning the house (which is my other duty this week).

It's put hell to my master/apprentice piece, which was half a scene away from being finished. I think that, instead, I'll polish up another piece of mine { _Mystery_ } which I never thought of in slash terms when I was writing it, but now that I do . . . It was the first story I wrote after my eyes went bad, and since I couldn't look at a computer screen at that time - even looking at a word on a piece of paper gave me a migraine-strength headache - and since I hadn't yet bought assistive technology, I wrote the whole thing blind, without being able to read back what I read. For that matter, I wrote a novel that way too { _Twenty Thousand Gold Stars_ }, but _Mystery_ was my first attempt at writing without being able to see the results, so the first draft was rather messy.

**Pen names**   
**_Post to the Slash-writers list, May 2002_**

I apologize for bringing to this list my own personal struggle over the use of a pen name (as opposed to a generalized "What do you think of pen names?" question). I've discussed this topic with some of my non-slash friends; I suppose what is most troubling for me is that two of them, upon hearing my chosen pen name, burst out laughing. Granted that I always knew Dusk Darkling was a silly name; I'd still rather not go through my life having my byline laughed at.

At the time that I attended a panel on pen names at my first slash convention, earlier this spring, I made the decision to publish all of my fiction under the name of Dusk Darkling. The reasons I had for doing so seemed sensible at the time.

1) It's scary writing stories about edgy topics I find interesting. Even admitting I liked erotica was difficult. I'm still worried that, if I wrote under my real name, I'd be tempted to pull the punches in my own stories and produce stuff that - well, that I wouldn't be embarrassed to show to my mother.

2) I'm working right now on an article for _Christianity Today_. It's purely a journalistic exercise - and in fact I was startled when the editor I'm working with suggested that I write about how this topic affected my own faith life; sir, this is just a job for me. But this article does reflect the conservative and moderate audience I've been trying to reach for the past few years. For health reasons, I retired from journalism last year (this is a follow-up on an old project), but I'd like to write some contemporary novels that would reach that conservative/moderate audience. Alas, I think that audience would freak out if they knew I was writing the types of stories I write as Dusk Darkling.

Against all that, there is the following: I'm able to be more honest in the slash community than I've ever been able to be in my life. I'm able to write honestly about topics that I was ashamed ever to mention before, even to my own family. And the responses I've been getting back indicate to me that I'm not squicking my audience (or at least not all of it). I'm beginning to like my audience a lot and to feel that these are the sort of people I want to reach with my stories. I'd like to write those novels for a conservative/moderate audience, but I'd also like those novels to be read by the slash community, because the readers who have been writing to me are the sort of audience I've always longed to have.

I'm beginning to feel that it's downright silly to write under a pen name when the most honest aspects of my work are being done by Dusk Darkling, while (insert real name here) continues to give the world the impression that I'm so conservative that I could write a faith testimony for an evangelical Christian magazine. I had always thought of myself as being a moderate, able to reach both conservatives and liberals with my writing, but moderates don't (in the eyes of society, at least) go to slash conventions and ogle BDSM stories. So it's a question of whether I come out of the closet as (in the eyes of the world) a radical, or whether I continue to live a double life that may be more reassuring for the average person encountering my writing. I suppose that what makes this so difficult is that I still think of myself as a moderate and hate the idea of being thrown symbolically out of that world.

I'm sure that many people here have struggled with similar issues, and I'd be interested in learning how you've resolved the types of problems I'm facing.

Dusk (for now)

**Attack of the Clones**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, May 2002_**

Just got back from seeing _AOTC_ again - missed noticing Qui-Gon's statue a second time, darn it, but I did hear his voice in the Yoda scene this time. Even given the time limits Lucas was under, I'm surprised he didn't give Yoda at least a couple of lines to express surprise.

Am definitely convinced of the Zam/Obi potential. Just think of it . . . Obi falls in love with a beautiful woman, only to learn (probably by waking up and discovering himself in bed with a green alien) that she's a changeling. Worse, she's an assassin. (I'd guess that she's into femdom and that this is where Obi acquired his tendency to get tied up.) Obi's tempted to give up the whole Jedi bit, but he has recently acquired a new padawan . . . They have a furious fight, Obi threatens to arrest her, but in the end he lets her go.

Fast forward ten years: While on a routine assassination, Zam discovers she's being followed and sets out to kill the man following her. She realizes at the last moment that it's Obi, and she shoots the probe rather than him, unable to go so far as to kill her old lover, but unwilling to let go entirely of her sense of professionalism.

A speeder chase follows, with trouble from a padawan . . . _the_ padawan, the one who came between her and Obi. She becomes more desperate and more angry.

They arrive at the bar. Listen to Anakin say, "I think he's a she. And I think she's a changeling." Watch Obi's face change in that moment. "In that case, be extra careful," he says, and promptly goes for a drink. Boy, does he need one.

Meanwhile, Zam has decided that she can't let Obi come between her and a job. Reluctantly, she steps forward to finish him off - and gets her arm sliced off. Obi carries her outside; furious at himself for what he has done, he takes out his anger by tensely asking her whether she knew who she was killing. He's still looking for a sign that she's not as evil as he thought. And then she tries to give him the clue he needs, and dies as a result of the question he asked . . .

It's too bad I don't write fanfic. :)

Concerning whether I should use a pen name: I think the problem in my case is how I first encountered erotica: in its worse, most degrading form. I knew that there existed literary erotica - I'd read Ovid and Donne. I just didn't know that it was still being produced until I read slash. And I know that most of the people I know don't make a distinction. If I said to them, "I write erotic scenes," they'd think I was producing something along the lines of a _Nifty_ story. { _Nifty_ is an online archive for gay erotica. It has a reputation among slash readers of including many stories of poor quality.} It's really frustrating growing up in a society that doesn't make distinctions in such matters.

I'm not so much worried about the marketing aspects as I'm worried about communicating with my intended audience. If I write a novel that's intended for the average Joe, I'd like to think that I'm reaching him, and that he's not going to discount something I write just because I wrote another novel that _wasn't_ intended for that target audience.

But you know what has made a big difference to me? Realizing that there are people in the slash world who are gobbling up stories I write, like _The Fool_ , that aren't classic slash stories. I mean, in a classic slash story, the guy gets the guy - he doesn't end up realizing that he has abused his bed-slave and refuse to have sex with his slave thereafter. I wasn't sure whether that sort of story would go over well with the slash audience, any more than I was sure how the story would go over well with a mainstream audience.

I still haven't answered the question of a pen name, but knowing that the slash readers are willing to accept my stories even when they venture outside the normal conventions of slash is really, really nice. It makes me feel that I don't have to worry about writing a story that people will reject for reasons extrinsic to the story itself.

Thanks so much for your very encouraging letter, which I much needed as I continue to struggle with this dilemma.

"Would you like to read my latest story?" you asked, knowing that I'm president of your fan club. Yes, please. :) I'm afraid I find it hard to read fanfic if I haven't seen the original film or show, but that won't stop me from reading anything you've written. By the way, you haven't forgotten my suggestion, have you, that you put your 150-word challenge fic at your site? {A challenge fic is story written for a literary challenge.} I still think it's a jewel.

**Substantive** ** _TPM_** **plots**   
**_Post to a slash list, May 2002_**

I'm in a bit of a rut with my _TPM_ reading. I'll spend an evening going through a site and end up reading the following:

1) Obi-Wan wants to have sex with Qui-Gon but is afraid to tell him.

2) Qui-Gon wants to have sex with Obi-Wan but is afraid to tell him.

3) Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon want to have sex with each other but are afraid to tell each other, and spend 10,000 words not telling each other.

"Okay," I said after several nights of this, "maybe I need some darkfic in my life." So I switched over to a new site, and here's what I read:

1) Xanatos rapes Obi-Wan, who is rescued by Qui-Gon.

2) Xanatos rapes Qui-Gon, who is rescued by Obi-Wan.

3) Xanatos rapes Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon; neither of them is rescued.

Guys, I like a sex story as much as anyone else, but I can't live on a steady diet of this. Can anyone recommend some _TPM_ stories that have a plot that's about something _other_ than the pair going to bed together? Stuff that I can really sink my teeth into. Once I have a little fiber in my diet, I'll be happy to go back and taste the sweets again.
**_Interlude & fiction_**   
**WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD OF GAY SPECULATIVE FICTION PUBLISHING DURING 2002**   
_By Steve Berman, founder of Lethe Press_

**Dusk Peterson's introduction**

Steve Berman showed up at my blog one day in 2009, out of the blue, after I mistakenly included him in a list of m/m writers whose stories and novels I'd noticed during a recent visit to Borders bookstore. I should have known better. I'd first encountered his Lethe Press during the early years of the millennium, well before m/m fiction emerged as a popular genre. In those years, as Mr. Berman notes below, LGBT speculative fiction was a quiet, little-noticed phenomenon, though it was large enough a niche to attract its own review sites. Lethe Press looked to me as though it were nothing more than a self-publishing device for Steve Berman's own books. I dismissed it from my thoughts.

Foolish of me. These days, Lethe Press is one of the largest gay presses, as well as a formidable force in speculative fiction's always thriving small-press movement. It has attracted some of the top names in queer fiction . . . including the Lambda-Award-winning original-slash writer R. W. Day, whose science fiction novel _A Strong and Sudden Thaw_ I had spotted at Borders in 2009. That novel is now published by Lethe Press.

How did Lethe Press grow from such a modest beginning? Mr. Berman believes that its time had come.

**Steve Berman's reminiscence**

In 2001, when I founded Lethe Press, I had sold a few short stories-mostly horror, half of which were gay. I had only just come out of the closet to some friends a few years back; most people believed me to be straight. I had little name recognition (not to say that every fey household knows my name now).

In 2001, had Clive Barker even come out publicly? The more well-known queer speculative fiction authors were Samuel Delaney, Melissa Scott, and Ellen Kushner. I would argue that over a decade later, this has not changed.

The 1990s were dead and the nascent speculative fiction movement fostered by small gay presses gone; books like _Vampires Anonymous_ by the mysterious disappearing Jeffrey McMahan, _Chrome_ by George Nadar, and _Steam_ by Jay B. Laws might be on the shelves of gay bookstores but their authors were most likely dead from AIDS-related illnesses. Voices went silent.

I did not set out to revive the queer speculative fiction field. I only hoped that publishing a short story collection, _Trysts_ , might bring me some attention. History will decide the end result. What did happen was that authors began to contact me about a new home for their words. As I loved queer tales of the fantastical and eerie, authors who also shared my fondness gravitated toward Lethe.

In 2001, my press's motto was _Immerse yourself in forgotten works._ I hope that the vast majority of books we publish are not easily forgotten.

**_Path of Corruption_**   
**A story from Steve Berman's 2001 collection** ** _Trysts_**

Let's start with the truth: I followed him. There, now I can set the tone. Not that I usually stalked people, but he was different.

So I waited outside the shop, peering into the windows as if browsing from the street, but I was watching him. That he actually bought something surprised me. He did not look the sort of person to frequent a gallery, especially that establishment. Were weird masks his taste? The ones on display, crafted from tooled leather and animal bones and graced with burlap wings, struck me as truly macabre. I almost walked away, leaving the empty stares of raccoon or perhaps possum skulls perched on calfskin.

Yet I was held fast. When he left the store - without pausing to offer me even a glance - I stood there, breathing in his smell. One more inhalation and a minute's passing happened before I followed again. I never expected to earn his attention but rather let my eyes follow the length of his pretty frame with supposed little risk.

He led me to Jackson Square; the weekend filled it with tourists and regulars, the artists displaying their paintings and caricatures along the wrought iron fence binding the park. In my two years of living in the Crescent City, I had never seen anyone walk that park.

A snack at L'Madeline's seemed his goal. Outside, I sat down on a metal bench and waited. Resting and inert, I felt little the predator. More embarrassed for acting in such a ridiculous fashion. After years of keeping a secret so well, I could not easily bring myself to reveal the truth of my desires for another man.

So I wondered why this boy had lured me into stalking him. My first glimpse was on a side street to Royal. He looked vastly different from the other young men walking the French Quarter. Slender and pale, with almost platinum-colored hair that hung loosely down his neck. His dark sunglasses and worn clothes lent the impression he was a night dweller that had crept out for some reason to take a glimpse of the sun.

He left the cafe to walk down the alleys that led back to Bourbon Street - the infamous thoroughfare of the Quarter, but truthfully a disappointment during the day. Those walkways had the rare person traveling besides us, but still I followed, my mind often urging me to turn back but never quite vehement enough that I listened. I wondered why he did not turn around and confront me. My footfalls were neither quiet nor calm. Perhaps he simply chose to ignore my existence. No matter, I was saved when he left the known parts of Bourbon. He passed the Line.

Newcomers to the Quarter hear of the Line if they spend any serious time downtown. Eventually the tourist trappings fall aside, the restaurants fade back, and you are only left with gloomy looking buildings. Most are bars of ill repute squatting down ready to gorge themselves on sodden customers. From the few fellow grad students I occasionally socialized with, I learned that beyond the almost visible line were places a normal guy, a straight decent fellow, just should not go. Gay bars, rough spots, leather dens, areas where your ass either got shoveled or kicked in. And though the warnings were taboo entreaties, I had not the courage to cross.

So I watched him go with a sigh of regret. He never looked back, and neither did I. And the walk back to the streetcar stop seemed bland in comparison.

o--o--o

Somewhere I heard that New Orleans has two different patron gods, each presiding not over different parts of the city but rather times. During the day, it is the sly Mercantile, the one who stands grinning behind the counter. He may be met as a sophisticate selling artwork or antiques, or be the street dealer with lewd T-shirts and garish Mardi Gras posters. But he will try to sell you something, anything, name your price.

But at night, well, New Orleans becomes the domain of the Truck Driver, an avatar cruel and crude, laughing while he spills his beer on your sleeve, promising to show you sights never seen before, but all guaranteed to arouse. His language blunt and to the point. The Mercantile wants your business, thrives on it. The Truck Driver couldn't care less, because he knows you have come to watch and don't feel like going home early. Or hungry.

Since I like to think of myself as somewhat sophisticated if not downright neurotic, I often avoided offering myself to the Truck Driver. At night most of the French Quarter is alive and crawling down Canal and Bourbon, with the other streets asleep except for the rare insomniac. And normally I am of little mood for drunken crowds. I'd rather lose myself in a book back at the dorm. But one night late this past semester I sought refuge in their madness; for three weeks I had been barraged with papers and tests, and the notion of just once losing myself seemed like medicine. Come morning, should I regret something, well, that was a New Orleans tradition, too.

I had come down on the streetcar with friends, letting them act as faulty guides and chaperons. With a beer clutched in hand, and my college sweatshirt on as a warning label to the locals, I was ready to drink deeply that night. All was fine, even the two hours spent in the strip joint. I enjoyed the rank smell of sweat and smoke more than the dancers, who seemed too eager to leave the stage; their social security checks must have been waiting for them in the back. But I was a consummate actor, in part thanks to the no-cover-charge-but-necessary-three-drink-minimum rule, and my friends never saw my disinterest in flouncing breasts.

Outside the club, I took a moment to clear my head. The brick walls here are great for this. One can lean against them and feel the world coming back into focus. Perhaps I should suggest that a bit of powdered brick added to chicory coffee might serve as a hangover remedy. My renewed perception let me spot him down the street. The clothing was so similar, perhaps a different shirt, that I wondered if I wasn't having some weird Dixie-beer induced flashback. But no, through the passing mob my eyes were teased with him standing in front of a trader's shop, one arm casually draped around the cast-iron horse heads, relics from when busy folk had to tie up their steeds.

I rapped my head against the wall ever so slightly, letting my fellows chuckle at the display. I felt trapped. Leaving them would only invite questions, none of which I could readily answer. But the desire to go to him was demanding, making me reckless. My mind on a rampage, I muttered something about getting a refill and wandered into the crowd. I prayed they would not follow as I waded past the doomsayers, smelling rank like bad bologna stuck between their sandwich board signs. When I could no longer see my fellows and my last link to school and sanity was gone, I headed directly towards him.

This time his eyes were on me, casually, as I approached. I nearly lost my nerve, but to have come so close and then break away would be too disheartening. So we met besides the black horse head with its rust showing underneath the paint. Never having been so close to him, I was surprised at his young age. But his confident pose had not a measure of inexperience. Since I did not yet have the strength to stare him straight in that delicate face, I found myself staring at his long fingers idly stroking the post's huge nostrils.

"Whew, it's good to get out of that crowd. Felt like I was going to be swept along the street." My voice had a nervous edge to it, making me cringe slightly when I finished.

He shrugged. "Nights here are like that." He had a soft voice, barely above a whisper. "Surprised to see you here, thought you were more of a day walker."

The remark was received and noted. So he had known I was following him that day. "Yeah, but something brought me out tonight. You seem to blend-in here."

"That's not a compliment." He flashed me a grin.

"Are you waiting for anyone?" Hope nipped at my fingers, ready to flee if he should answer yes, someone else, someone better looking, perhaps taller or bigger.

"Sort of, but seeing as you're here, guess I might not have to."

That left me confused, but I nodded, feeling it the right thing to do. "Umm, you want to go somewhere and get a drink and talk?"

"Sure, I know a place."

I followed him as we made our way along the sidewalk, avoiding the packed street to make faster time. I dreaded that one of my school chums would catch sight of me and kept my eyes trained on his backside, which was not all together a bad sight. Before I knew it, the crowd had thinned out to mere stragglers. We had reached that damned Line.

He crossed it with ease, then turned around. I hesitated only a moment, realizing that it was too late to turn back. It was almost shameful how uneventful crossing over into unfamiliar territory actually felt.

Farther down the street, we reached a small doorway. Beyond, the room was dark, with dim splotches of light from weak bulbs hanging in the rafters. Small tables and chairs were placed haphazardly about though several people sat close together on the floor amid throw pillows. The bar was low, with too many bartenders milling about, fighting over the odd customer who wanted something to drink. A dim chord of music hung in the air, supplied by an unseen guitar. It was mournfully apparent that conversation, offers and promises, perhaps even deals of flesh were the draw. What was the minimum here, I had to wonder.

We sat at one of the few empty tables. It seemed odd how such a quiet place could be so crowded; amid all the whispering, mouths barely moved. And I was disappointed that all sorts of couples sat down with their drinks; I had expected, had even hoped for, something more blatantly gay as a site for my initiation.

Drinks were set before us; there was no choosing apparently. I took a sip from the wet glass and found it bitter but strong. He seemed relaxed as ever, just content to stare at me it seemed, yet such a demeanor I decided to be a carefully constructed wall. In a subdued voice, I started the conversation. "My name's Preston." Offering my hand seemed childish and utterly inappropriate for what I was hoping would happen that night.

He took more than a moment in responding. "Brandon."

My hand shook the glass a little, but I cast my eyes about the room to avoid dwelling upon it. "An interesting place. Never saw anything like it before. Almost Bohemian."

He made a slight smirk. "A lot of the hustlers take johns here to settle terms before going farther. And then there are a number of places nearby to go. Haitian cabby drifts about like a checkered shark in case it's a hotel job."

I took a hearty gulp of the drink after that. As my throat burned, the truth crashed down taking everything apart like a dropped puzzle. I may have had an innocent life up to then, but never had I thought myself naive. Where to look? The table, the floor, my arms, all covered with fragments of my fantasies. Odd that he was clean.

"Don't tell me you didn't know." He playfully rolled his glass between those pale hands. "You approached me, were tracking me the other day."

I was still in shock, my mouth no doubt open. I came to when I heard "Enough of this," and he rose to leave. My arm shot forth and grabbed a hold of his hand. His skin felt cold and clammy, and my first instinct was to let go and rub warmth back into my fingers.

"No. Please stay. It's all right with me. Really."

He sat back down, but still I could feel that more brick and mortar had been added to whatever wall separated us. I yearned to knock it down before sharing anything with him, but realized that sitting between us was the Truck Driver, squinting and hooting, offering to pull away Brandon's shirt to let me see a little skin before I paid the bill.

On such new ground, with no maps or guides, I had but one recourse. To feel my way around him and hope to find some crevice that would let me slip inside.

"What are . . . what are your rates?"

"Depends on what are your needs." He loomed closer, reaching across the small table so that his fingers brushed against the hand that held my drink. The touch made me shiver, not only from the erotic jolt that traveled my skin, but also the dank nature, as if his temperature worked on a different scale than mine.

I timidly wrapped his fingers with mine, choosing to disbelieve the damp chill I felt. The words tasted as bitter as the drink, but had to come out. "I want . . . I want to sleep with you. Spend the night. Maybe the morning." I quickly finished off my drink.

The smirk came back in full force, making his face look almost bestial. "Not just sleep. . . ."

He enjoyed making me squirm with the request. Damn, I wanted the waitress to bring me another glass so that I might speak more, but now the bar looked empty, the guitar sounded too loud. My mouth was open but only small, guttural sounds came out. I think I trembled; perhaps a few drops of sweat fell onto the table.

I forgot that my hand lay still over his until he squeezed my fingers. "No problem, I see what you need. Pay for the drinks and let's get going."

My open wallet was a siren call. At least two waitresses showed at the table, each eyeing the other balefully over the bill. No words were said, so I threw down a twenty to leave them fighting over the paper. Brandon leaned against the doorway waiting for me. Now that an arrangement had been made - though I did not recall a price even mentioned - his stance had changed. Before his slim build seemed ready to quiver if not twist and dance about. Each step made with wild abandon. Now his hips were cocked like a gun, his tread more slow. He languished about, arms spread wide at times to stroke the buildings along his side. I had a nagging hard-on for him, and stuck my hands in my pockets to conceal my interest. He noticed immediately and began to laugh, an oddly loud sound when compared to his soft speech.

We went along a maze of streets and corridors until we came to an inner courtyard, a rare sight most folk who walk the French Quarter never see. Often they contain old fountains or lush gardens. This one was bare except for several crates stacked like precarious towers and a metal gate set before stone steps down one wall. Brandon had one foot on a slim staircase that led to the upper floors of an adjoining building.

I glanced one last time at the odd gate - basements were a rarity in New Orleans. The city was below-sea level, and I was intrigued where those steps led. But Brandon called out my name once, and my raging interest returned to what could happen atop the other flight of stairs.

The upper floor was riddled with rooms. Behind closed doors I could hear sounds and moans, but was unsure if all were sounds of pleasure. I perhaps realized now how dangerous my situation was; I had come to an area of the city with no clear way of going home, led by a complete stranger. The urge to run, break away and head back to the safety of my dorm room crept over me for a moment. But before it had time to act, I had followed Brandon into one of the rooms.

It was small, mostly cramped space framing a futon and an old chest. A Salem Witchcraft poster hung on one wall, along with a bizarre display of slate shards. The pile of the stones seemed more than haphazard and was disturbing to look at. A few clothes lay scattered about the old carpet.

He shut the door behind us and leaned against the wood. I waited for a few minutes in the moonlight that streamed in through a window, feeling somewhat at a loss for words or actions. He just stared at me with those dark eyes. Then he walked to me, stepping so close, I could feel his cool breath on my face.

"Take off my clothes." A demand, not a request.

My hands trembled as they went to his shirt. The tips of my fingers brushed against smooth, cool skin as I pulled it off. His chest was slim but toned, nearly snow white except for dark rings around each nipple. I wanted to caress him there, but I knew that would not be following whatever rules had to exist in such situations. So his worn jeans were next. As I unzipped them, he stepped closer to me, until our bodies nearly touched. I pushed down the denim to expose a pair of black boxers, the front of which showed the strain of Brandon's erection. I knelt down, dragging along the jeans, passing with admiration firm, muscular legs with not a wisp of hair to be seen.

I helped him out of his sneakers, peeled off his socks, and then the jeans were free. He stood there only in his underwear, which was so dark compared to his skin that it looked like his body stopped at the waist only to begin again in mid-thigh. I was entranced by the contrast, and one of my fingers had to reach out and touch his boxers just to ensure that it was indeed fabric. My hand ended up close to the inner side of his leg, and I began to lazily stroke skin as smooth as milk.

I looked up to see a half-smile of Brandon's face. I could accept that. I came closer until we brushed against one another. My own erection was still constrained, reminding me that I was still fully dressed.

Then one of his hands went to my neck, cupping underneath my chin. To my flushed skin, it was a cool compress. I sucked in my breath, feeling the blood race around his touch. Then, that hand drifted down, over my shirt, to my waist. It hesitated a moment before sliding up between the fabric and my skin.

That I could feel such pleasure in his stroking my chest was astounding, I feared that I would completely collapse into a quivering mass if and when his hand went lower. I could not help but sigh and softly moan. My eyes closed.

He never said a word as his hand left me. The loss of such contact was frightening; all of a sudden I was left disoriented. I opened one eye to see him stretched out on the futon, a hand stroking the front of his boxers. The other did a slow wave to bring me closer.

That I had to undress myself was a disappointment. I saw again how immense and intact that wall of Brandon's remained. For the last few minutes, I had been lost in fantasy. The fact that I was paying for a night's passion, however exquisite it might turn out to be, returned and threatened to dull my desire with self-disgust. My hands fumbled at removing my clothes. If he noticed my inner turmoil, he said nothing to ease my thoughts.

Stripped bare except for my briefs, I crawled onto the futon besides him. He still wore that almost-grin. Along with adrenaline, my blood carried doubt, the whole mixture making me feel weak and lost as I laid there. Then Brandon leaned towards me on one elbow and with his free hand began to brush his fingers through my hair. His touch was so gentle that I felt like I had just sipped a tonic to chase away my fears.

We leaned in to kiss. His mouth was chilled, an ice-water bath, but rather than be disturbing I found the sensation delightful. And wickedly I had to wonder what would it feel like if he went down on me with that cold tongue. I held my breath for as long as I could, letting him explore. My arms went around him, sliding along as they made their way to his back. I gripped him close, desperate to bring him closer to me.

At some point, he was atop me, rubbing his whole body against me, bringing shivers along the length of my spine. Then he rolled over, disengaging himself. Rather than speak, he guided my hand down to his crotch. The nerves along my arm readied themselves for what my touch would find.

I slid his boxers down, exposing his erection. Around the base curled a sparse arrangement of silver hair that curved down to his scrotum. I leaned in closer to marvel at the dichotomy: of both the softest skin and yet so hard like an icicle. I left myself rub along the length, now and then gliding down to cup his sack in my palm.

When his hand pressed against the back of my head, inching me closer to his cock, I knew what he wanted me to do. I expected his cock to have a taste, but there was none. Rather a certain firmness that was delightful to fill the depth of my mouth. That and the coolness of Brandon's flesh. I wanted to warm him with my breath and throat.

I had no idea if I pleased him; Brandon just lay there calm, looking down at me as I slipped my lips again and again over him.

Finally, he lifted my face from his crotch. I moved slowly, soon realizing that Brandon had managed to slide behind me and that I now faced the mattress. Moments later I gasped as something cold thrust inside of me then quickly withdrew. As the movement returned again and again, I was drawn into heaving breaths while a tide of pleasure and pain ebbed and ripped through me. I could not help but collapse forward and hug the edges of the futon. I heard his laughter.

How long I lasted is beyond me. With a massive moan, I came into the folds of the sheets below me. Soon after, he pulled out from me, then turned me over to watch as he jerked off. His semen sprayed all over his chest and groin, and I was held enthralled by the sight. Then as his labored breathing eased, he dipped a finger into the streaks of cum and he held it up it to my face as an offering. I hesitated, and found him pressing it closer to my shut lips. I opened and took his finger in, tasting him deeply, feeling his salty seed lay on my tongue.

We then slept together. Come morning, instead of a shared kiss, he made me go down on him again. I did so without complaint. Then I gave him whatever money I had left in my wallet, leaving me only enough change for the streetcar ride back home. He led me back through the streets until we came to a part of Bourbon I recognized. I said good-bye. He merely nodded.

If only that had been enough. Seemed that all my time was in remembrance of that night. Perhaps I should have been disgusted, for to some I was merely used. But I did not feel so. Rather my attraction to Brandon had grown beyond the physical. I wanted to meet the challenge of piercing his wall, to find and love the true teen that lurked inside. Are most defrocked virgins so naive?

So the very next night I returned to Bourbon Street to find him. Now that I knew what sort of person I was dealing with, the hunt was easier. He greeted me with only a smirk, but this time, when we went inside the brothel, he held onto my hand, guiding me back to the room.

And so for the next two weeks it went, rarely did I fail to find him, once even chasing away another potential customer, though Brandon seemed little bothered by the loss. My studies suffered as the task of college paled in comparison to the challenge of finding love with my prostitute.

My newfound dedication paid off thought. Brandon must have developed a fondness for me to often refuse money in the morning. When he took it, it was half-hearted born of a need. Even the sex became less demanding, allowing me to slow down each caress and find time to savor each taste and touch.

The next step came far too easily, and I found myself staying with him each night, together roaming the streets where he would show me parts of the city few had ever seen. The wall was crumbling; I could hear bits of masonry fall as he guided me about, holding my hand during these private tours of decayed courtyards and manses.

During the day we mostly slept, venturing out only when bored. I abandoned most of my belonging back in the dorm room, taking only the essentials. The only way to embrace him was to turn my back upon the old life and walk a new path.

There were moments I worried that I chased after the impossible. Was I only a diversion in Brandon's life, one that would last only so many nights before apathy set in? I drowned my concerns in bitter drink and his heady presence.

Now the night dweller, I was introduced to the other boys who lived in the building. Like some secret clan, they all spoke in whispers, each I saw with walls holding back their true selves. All were hustlers, though some I think catered to more exotic clientele. At first I found them distant towards me, like I was only a shadow amongst them. Soon, as they saw how much time Brandon and I shared, they began to speak to me, confide in me the events in their lives. I wanted so easily to let my guard down and regard them as friends, but no, there still existed a bit of that wall of my own. The story of Remus was fresh from my studies.

Then one cloud-covered night, with the threat of rain driving most from the open street, Brandon led me not to the room to spend one more night in each other's heat, but to the building's courtyard. He was quiet, the only snatches of conversation he uttered sounded both vague and unsettling. Something was going to happen that night, besides the thick showers that so-often befell New Orleans. I had begun to believe that this would be my last night with him, that tomorrow he would tell me to return to my old ways, to sunlight and textbooks. And loneliness.

The courtyard looked different when lit by fire. All the boys stood about, many of them caring hand-made torches. I counted several faces hidden behind a variety of sordid masks. Here one crafted from broken porcelain, there a leather bondage visage complete with zippered eyebrows and lips. One of the boys brought Brandon the elaborate scrolled mask he had bought so long ago. He brushed aside my attempt to help adjust the straps in the back. Now I could physically see his wall rearing up to prevent me from reaching in. The brickwork was far older than the flesh it contained.

A deep groaning of tortured metal sounded as the iron gate was unlocked and thrust wide open. A procession began to climb down the steps. Brandon need not have pushed me ahead of him; I wanted to go down and see the one aspect of his life that had remained hidden from me.

The descent was rough on my senses. Flickering torchlight revealed only dripping stone walls decorated with patches of repellent fungus. They boys remained silent; only the crackling of the fires and the sound of our feet falling upon the tiles reached my ears. The stench of musty earth was thick in the cool air.

How long we walked down those steps, I could not guess, but finally, when we reached bottom, my teeth chattered against the cold, and I dreaded brushing against the stonework around me. I followed the others, careful to still feel Brandon's presence behind me. I believe we passed a few unlit chambers, all looking archaic and unsafe to venture in. Someone from the lead of the procession had begun to hum a strange tune that rose and fell in time to our feet. Other voices were added, and I fear to say that some of the whispers emanated from those dark rooms.

The corridor ended in a large circular chamber, and the line of masked and unmasked wound its way around a huge pit set in the floor's center. In the dim light, I could just make out the remains of mosaic tiles surrounding the hole. But if they were too decorated with words or icons, I was unfamiliar with any. Though I could hear wind whistling up from the mouth, it looked more like a pool of black water than any depth.

A voice close to me ripped the silence. "Ia Nyogtha! Erikthnar l'hor kadishtu . . . Ia Nyogtha! Ygnaiih Nyogtha k'yarnak!"

I was horrified to see Brandon's mouth set below the mask, those lips that I had spent so much time touching with every part of my being, now twisted to spit out obscene sounding words. His voice was no longer a whisper, but the hoarse screams of some dying animal pleading for release. Others took up the chant, hurling it from one to another, until the last shouted it down to the pit. Shards of slate were tossed into the pit, making no noise, meeting silently with whatever lurked there.

And that something that dwelled in the darkness of the chasm responded to the entreaties. I could swear that above their hoarse shrieks I heard a terrible sound, like the lapping of thickened water. Their shouting intensified, they began to leap up and down, shaking their limbs.

One boy held out his hand. . . and was touched by something from the pit. A stream of blackness, deeper and darker than any my eyes had ever been hindered by issued forth and snaked around that boy's pale wrist. It moved like liquid and sounded like poison.

Then each of the boys began to howl, stripping off whatever clothes he wore. I watched as they finally freed themselves to now twist and jump, a dance both graceful and horrific. And tentacles of the black thing shot forth to touch their skin, stroke their naked bodies with a lover's touch as they laughed and cavorted. Their firm erections were jolted by the creature's lingering touch, as if it sought out the only heat along their bodies, wanting to bring it close. Several came, showering the blackness with their pale cum, all the while howling with glee.

I had not noticed until now that some of the boys had brought bags along the descent. From them they dumped animals into the pit, letting the darkness swallow up a grand course meal. I say animals, and resist dwelling on the few things that squirmed and bawled as they fell.

My mind screamed for release, and I ran from the room. Even hunched over in the hallway, my thoughts shrieked, wanting peace and forgetfulness. I trembled and cried, wondering if it would not be best to rip my eyes free and cast them aside for having betrayed the rest of the body.

Before my clawed hands moved close, I heard someone enter the corridor from that accursed room. I looked up to see Brandon standing over me, his mask slightly askew, his naked body glistening with an iridescent slime. Even then lust caught me, my eyes glancing downward to note how rigid he was.

He lifted me up gently, to meet his face. Then I watched as one of his fingers reached down to his chest and brought back a daub of that muck. He held it before my eyes; I could see the oily sheen it had. Then he offered it to my lips. I could read nothing of his thoughts through the mask. But the decision was made, had been back in that bar past the Line weeks ago. Before he had a chance to withdraw the offer, I wrapped my mouth around the finger and sucked hard. The slime tasted acrid and felt like cold slush falling down my throat. But I did not gag or show any signs of suffering. Brandon let me taste his finger for several minutes, and then he withdrew back to the festival, leaving me alone again in darkness. I slipped down the wall, knowing that something black had entered me, now festering in my gullet. When they brought me back to the surface, Brandon half carried me along. I sank into a deep sleep troubled with images of dripping black water.

I awoke to the little sunlight that crept through the boarded windows. To my side, he still slept, his face serene, so different from the mask he wore. I rose without disturbing him and, dressed only in underwear, took the stairs down to the courtyard.

And here I am. The hours have passed, and I have been staring at the closed gate. What happened last night was no delusion, I am sure, but rather something like a wedding. But now what am I married to?

The night comes upon me still in this fugue. The air holds a slight breeze warm against my bare skin, and I wonder just how cold my touch is now. Nobody forced this path of corruption I walked down upon, nor did they place my hands on the metal bars and aim my eyes to those dark steps. I am solely to blame.

But to what end?

A light touch on my shoulder does not startle me. The fingers are assuring. I turn to find Brandon before me, naked in the night. One of my hands he takes in his, guiding it to his bare chest, against the smooth skin. And my touch meets no resistance, nothing to prevent finding his racing heartbeat. We come closer and know that inside we both share a black taint. And together we make our way back to our room. For the first time, I am master upon the bed, selfishly taking before I give any pleasure. And then we lie together and know that for all my waking moments when I dreaded the path I walked, the companion I had found along the way has made the harsh price worth it.

[Trysts _is published by_ _Lethe Press_ _. You can also visit Steve Berman's_ _author website_ _._ ]
**_Chapter Five_**   
**DISCUSSIONS OF LITSLASH AND DISABILITIES**

**Woohoo! Another Dante lover!**   
**_E-mail to Mirna Cicioni, May 2002_**

I hoped I'd be able to find some other Dante fans if I threw this story { _Eternally Divided_ } onto the lists.

Loved your letter; I enjoy reading _Phantom Menace_ slash, but every now and then I want to say something like, "The Love that moves the sun and other stars," and be understood. It's lonely living in a world where "common culture" always means "something produced for the screen."

Must admit it was Dorothy Sayers who clued me in on the platonic love between Dante and Virgil - I wouldn't have gotten the subtlety of Dante's relationship with Virgil if she hadn't written some hilarious critiques of Dante the Virgil Fan.

"If you have a copy of _Purgatory_ handy," she says - my dear, I have an entire bookshelf devoted to Dante translations. Don't have to look that passage up, though; I remember it and love it.

My favorite Dante-Virgil exchange occurs when they're at the gates of the City of Dis, and Virgil has just given the sign that he'll enter into a secret parley with the demons there. The demons suggest that Virgil would be better off without Dante. "Let him retrace his foolhardy path - if he can!" they say.

At which point Dante totally falls apart. "Dear master," he babbles, "let's go back together."

"Don't be afraid," Virgil replies. "I won't abandon you." And then he _does_ , promptly walking off to talk with the demons. And poor Dante is left there, utterly forlorn.

Concerning my background: I studied at a Great Books college here in the States (classics plus - everything from Homer on up to Einstein). I fell in love with Dante my sophomore year, largely thanks to Sayers's translation, which explained all the theology in an entertaining manner. Ended up writing my bachelor's thesis on Plato's and Dante's concepts of romantic love.

Everything academic in my life since then has been for the sake of popular writing - research for history articles for children, research for journalism, research for my fiction, and so on. Right now I'm trying to revise a guide to classical sexuality that I wrote for slash writers - it's taking me a while, because the darn Romans (who I haven't read enough of) refuse to act like the Greeks (who I have read, at least minimally).

_The Divine Comedy_ is the only bookslash I could do, because Dante's the only author whose style I know well enough to try to imitate. I started doing a loose prose translation { _From Hell to the Stars_ } of the _Inferno_ a few years ago for audiences who hate footnotes, haven't a clue who Virgil and the rest of the crowd are, and aren't willing to put up with sentences that go on for twenty clauses. I love Dante's style (I gather that more from the translations than from the original Italian, which I can barely read), but it's difficult for newbies to tackle, and while _I'm_ prepared to grub around in the footnotes to find out who the Whites and the Blacks are, I know there are people in the world who wouldn't be caught dead reading footnotes, yet who might love Dante's story.

Anyway, before I'd gotten far in the translation, I was dreaming in twenty-clause sentences. "'But,' I said to my master, staring up at him with wide eyes, as a dog stares up at his master in the month of June when the flowers come into bloom between the Argyll Shore and the rocky banks of the Blue River, 'why?'"

Yet lord, I would sell my soul to the devil to be able to write similes the way Dante does. You notice I couldn't manage more than two or three images in the story; I just kept using the same ones over and over, hoping that nobody who knew the original would snort with laughter.

It wasn't till I went back and read that passage {in Virgil's _Aeneid_ } about Euryalus and Nisus that I saw the image of the drooping flower, and _screamed_ , and had to go back and do a word search on my translation to recall where Dante had used that image. This was _after_ I'd decided to make reference in _Eternally Divided_ to Euryalus and Nisus; I love it when canon authors are cooperative like that.

I went searching to see whether you had a Website (didn't find it if you did), and I see that you wrote the "Male Pair-Bonds and Female Desire" essay that was one of a slew of articles I read about slash when I first encountered it a few months ago. (Says something about me that my first reaction to reading a bunch of erotic stories would be to go to a university library and do research on them.)

Boys in Chains Website   
**_E-mail to the site's webmistress, May 2002_**

"We're experiencing a redesign. Check back in a day or two. It's coming back, I promise."

Will refrain from asking questions about which universe's time system "day or two" refers to, because people who are on their knees in the role of supplicant don't make such remarks.

May I express my hope that the _BiC_ site will be back some time soon? Pretty please?

**Re: Woohoo! Another Dante lover!**   
**_E-mail to Mirna Cicioni, May 2002_**

Yes! That's the sort of passage that makes me melt. And the even more subtle passage later where Virgil is lecturing Dante about love, and Dante is gobbling it all up worshipfully, and then he has a vision that reveals to him that Virgil is _wrong_ , or at least Virgil hasn't gone far enough in his concept of love, and this is precisely the sort of thing that is keeping Virgil in Hell . . . It's just too, too tearful.

Concerning Italian quotations: Oh, lord, it's been several years now since I tackled the Italian, and even back then I couldn't sight-read the stuff. (I don't think I mentioned how I learned Italian. I picked up the Italian version of the _Inferno_ and started translating. And kept translating. A dictionary and a grammar book and several cribs and some half-remembered lessons in French were all I had to go on.)

I agree with what you say about people's readings expanding the text. Homer is different because of Virgil, and Virgil is different because of Dante, and even if the later interpretation isn't what the author intended, stories are always _more_ than the author knows they are.

You can use the above paragraph as a defense for slash.

Concerning putting me in touch with Dante scholars: Oh, gosh, that would be nice if I ever finish my _Inferno_ translation. I didn't dig far into the Dante scholarship - I could see that there was enough there to spend a lifetime on - but I spent a little time reading the scholarship on Dante's astronomy when I was working on a book (never finished; it was one of those projects) about the history of the concept of the harmony of spheres. And then later I tackled the same scholarship again when I wrote an article (never published because I couldn't figure out who would want it) in which I sought to prove that the earliest science fiction story did not come from Lucian, as most of the science fiction historians claim, but rather was Plato's afterlife tale at the end of the _Republic_ , which was picked up by Cicero in _De Re Publica_ and science-fictionized by him (in accordance with the science of the time, which science fiction historians turn their noses up at). This was in turn picked up by a variety of ancient and medieval authors, including (of course) Dante. The clincher is that Kepler's S _omnium_ - which everyone acknowledges is the first modern work of proto-science fiction - begins with a reference to _De Re Publica_. I think that Kepler almost certainly envisioned this afterlife tale as being a "travel to the planets" story of ancient and medieval times, and I think he's right.

I also had to do some research on Dante (gosh, now that I think of it, I've been awfully Dante-centered) when I was writing an unfinished book for children about the passing on of the above tradition from Cicero to Dante to the modern astronauts. There is a passage that Dante borrowed from Cicero which is (in a stunning coincidence) similar to remarks made by some of the early astronauts.

About my nonfiction writings: _The World History of Male Love_ has a highly derivative article by me {"The Eternal Debate in Classical Times"} about the ancient debate over whether women or boys made for better bed-partners. I got involved in that project because I'd encountered too many history-of-homoeroticism sites that presented a view of classical society in which everyone (except those evil Christians, who hated the body) were enthusiastically in favor of male/male sex. This didn't fit the impression I'd gotten from reading pagan writings about the evils of homosexuality and of the body in general.

I just went over to the site to get the link, and I see that they've put up a second essay of mine {"The Misguided Search for 'Homoeroticism': A Plea for Research on Friendship"}, which is about a trend I dislike in scholarship on homosexuality. No need to read these, but I thought I'd give you the links in case they were on topics that happened to coincide with your interests.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling to finish up a rewrite on a story that needs lots of rewriting { _Mystery_ }, so I'm finding the work tedious. It's set in a world where homosexuals are burned alive, and I write it - sympathetically - from the point of view of someone who is in favor of such burnings. If the people on the slash lists survive _Eternally Divided_ , with its references to "false gods" and "evil love," I'll hit them with this one.

Yours truly,   
Dusk (who's in favor of letting my characters have independence of mind)

**Re: Blind!Obi**   
**_Post to a slash list, May 2002_**

Okay, I've now read Blind!Obi as interpreted by various authors, and I'm ready to jump in with some thoughts on what makes a good Blind!Obi story.

Here's my qualifications for discussing the topic:

1) I've been reading stories about the blind since I was in elementary school.

2) My best friend for the past twenty years is legally blind.

3) My Muse decided to have me write a fantasy novel a few years ago about a man who was blinded { _Noble_ }.

4) Apparently deciding that I needed more research material to work from, my Muse, in conspiracy with my body, made arrangements for me to go blind. They didn't quite manage it (I live in the age of modern medicine, ha ha), but I'm visually impaired these days, much to the delight of my best friend, who gets to take me to all of her favorite meetings for the blind. (When we attended my first conference on accessible technology, she referred to it as my debutante ball.)

Anyway, there are a fair number of articles coming out of the blind community about representations of the blind in literature. Anyone who's thinking of writing a Blind!Obi story might want to read the articles. They tend to be rather cranky in tone, but they're helpful in telling you what the clichés are in blindness stories, so that you can choose the right ones to imitate. :)

One useful article is Deborah Kent Stein's "Shackled Imagination: Literary Illusions About Blindness." But the best article I've run across is Kenneth Jernigan's "Blindness: Is Literature Against Us?" He lists nine motifs that appear over and over in literature written about the blind: "blindness as compensatory or miraculous power, blindness as total tragedy; blindness as foolishness and helplessness; blindness as unrelieved wickedness and evil; blindness as perfect virtue; blindness as punishment for sin; blindness as abnormality or dehumanization; blindness as purification; and blindness as symbol or parable."

I'll pause a moment to let you place the Blind!Obi stories in the appropriate categories. :) Actually, I'm less irritated by these categories than Jernigan is, probably because my own experience at losing part of my eyesight fit in very neatly with the "blindness as purification" motif. But I think Jernigan is right in saying that one annoying aspect of stories about the blind is that the blind are never allowed to be _ordinary_ in those stories; they always have to be performing spectacular feats or gaining spectacular insights.

My own pet peeve (and I wrote my novel partly in reaction to this) is that stories about the disabled (not just about the blind) tend to follow the same well-worn path:

1) Person goes blind.

2) Person despairs.

3) Friend of person (Qui-Gon in the case of Blind!Obi stories), who has never been blind himself, somehow miraculously understands all of the blind person's problems and gives him the courage to go forward.

Um, right. Guys, this _may_ happen on occasion, but that's not how life usually goes. This is how it went for my best friend and me:

1) Person goes blind.

2) Person does his best to carry on with life.

3) Everyone around him, including well-meaning sighted friends, makes life difficult for him.

I mean, it shouldn't take much imagination to see that, if someone is in a state that other people don't share (whether it be blindness, or being a slash fan, or being a writer), then most likely _he_ is going to be the one doing the educating, and his greatest problems are likely to arise from outsiders Just Not Getting It.

Boy, I'm beginning to sound as cranky as those articles. I just wanted to suggest that it might be nice to see a few Blind!Obi stories where Obi-Wan is the one who has his head screwed on right about his blindness, and he has to take charge when everyone else falls down on the job.

Of the Blind!Obi stories I've read, the one I like best is the story recently posted, because it has _humor_. That's how I would expect Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan to act in a crisis - they'd find ways to cope with the situation. And Obi-Wan isn't off having great insights about the Force or using his blindness to defeat the Dark. He's making tea. Thank goodness.

**Re: Blind!Obi**   
**_Post to a slash list, May 2002_**

That's my other pet peeve about disability stories (or ethnic stories or gay stories or any minority that's still making its way into the mainstream): the stories are so often _about_ their disability or their ethnicity or their homosexuality. Or if they're not, then the writer feels an obligation to keep back the fact that the character is Other as a big surprise (for example, at the end of Robert A. Heinlein's _Starship Troopers_ ).

Regarding Qui-Gon's assistance to Obi-Wan being common in fan fiction: Oh, sure, we all know that Qui-Gon is invincible and all-knowing and Wisdom Incarnate. Except in Top!Obi stories. :) It's just that we see plenty of stories where Qui-Gon is being dull-headed about something or other (usually about whether he should go to bed with Obi-Wan), and I'd expect to see that plotline turning up at least once in Blind!Obi stories. But of course I haven't read very many.

**Re: Woohoo! Another Dante lover!**   
**_E-mail to Mirna Cicioni, May 2002_**

As to whether sexual bonds are considered more important in various societies than "mere" friendship: I'd have to disagree with you about that. I think it's certainly true in our society, but I don't think it's at all true in the classical Christian period. The pro-marriage Christians had to _fight_ to keep celibacy from becoming the norm in the Church (just as well; Christianity wouldn't have lasted long as a celibate sect), and you can see that, for quite a few centuries, the model of the celibate (whether the celibate was single or married) was highly fashionable. Celibates were the Michael Jordans of their time.

I just love the medieval _Golden Legend_ tales, with their stories about virgins marrying Christ and having to battle off all earthly rivals - and then dying for their Lover. As you can see, the image is erotic rather than of friendship, but it's a platonic eroticism.

Our post-Freudian world tends to see sexual images - and by extension, sexual relationships - as the norm, with nonsexual images and relationships as pale imitations. But I don't think that's how the medieval Christians regarded the matter. For them, the central image would have been the love between God and man, and all earthly loves would be imitations of that divine-human love. Sexual union would be one imitation, but so would a strong friendship. During the late medieval period, when courtly love was so popular, sexual imagery became most prominent, and we're the heirs of that heritage; but I doubt that sexual imagery was most prominent in the early medieval period. It's hard to tell, because the historians who write about that period are the product of a period that exalts sexual love, so they tend not to notice images of friendship when those images appear in literature. But certainly the fact that _The Song of Roland_ was so important in French literature tells us a lot. _There's_ a story where the friend is the priority relationship.

Myself, I'm fascinated with male/male relationships, but it doesn't matter to me whether they're sexual or nonsexual. Roland weeping over Oliver affects me as much as Nisus dying for Euryalus; they're both images of love in its strongest form. (I'm rather fond of divine-human love stories also and have fun sneaking them into my fantasy tales.) But I agree with you that, in our modern age, sexual love is exalted, sexual love isn't supposed to happen between two males, and so you end up with the tiresome formula - repeated over and over - of a strong male/male bond giving way whenever a female appears on the horizon. I noticed that in the latest Star Wars film, _Attack of the Clones_ , and it irritated me beyond words.

Yours truly,   
Dusk (who won't get started on my annoyance at the lack of stories about male/female friendship)

**Re: Angstfic**   
**_E-mail to a fanficcer, May 2002_**

I was going to pore through all the fanfic glossaries for the answer to this, but you're more likely to know: Is the category of angst fic confined to a particular _degree_ of angst? I mean, does "angst" go down to the full depths of darkfic, or is there a limit?

Dusk (who just wrote an NC-17-for-violence story and doesn't want to squick anyone unnecessarily)

**Realism**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, May 2002_**

I think it's a much larger problem than just the unrealistic portrayal of rape - slash tends to be unrealistic about sexual relationships in general. Granted that much of slash is intended to be fluff. {"Fluff" is a story that is light-hearted and sometimes devoid of deep purpose.} Even so, when I come across a slash story that's obviously intended to have a serious purpose, yet the pair never encounters the sort of fundamental difficulties that the average couple encounters in sexual relationships, I can't help but wonder what percentage of slash writers are wistful virgins.

I took _Moulin Rouge_ out of the library; could only get through it because I was waiting for the moment when Ewan began singing "Come What May." (You _have_ seen the _TPM_ video that uses that song, haven't you?) The contrast between Qui/Obi and whatever-the-pair's-name-is in _Moulin Rouge_ was striking - Ewan's given no motive whatsoever to fall in love with the heroine except hormones. It reminded me of a medieval saint's tale I've been rereading (planning to turn it into a fanfic piece) in which the author takes for granted that his readers will swoon at the thought of the pairing he has chosen (Christ/St. Catherine); he doesn't do any sort of work at all to build up a relationship between the two of them. A shame, because Catherine's one heck of a heroine, dying for her Lover.

Anyway, I had the same feeling watching _Moulin Rouge_ , that the scriptwriter had taken the cheap way out and simply assumed that his viewers would get all excited by the pairing. I didn't; couldn't see why they were risking their lives for each other.

It makes me understand why slash is so popular. At least when Beecher risks his life for Keller (I've been watching _Oz_ again), the viewers _know_ why he is doing so.
**_Interlude & fiction_**   
**WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD OF ORIGINAL SLASH PUBLISHING DURING 2002**   
_By J.M. Snyder, founder of JMS Books_

**Dusk Peterson's introduction**

I first met J.M. Snyder in 2007, when J.M. asked online for feedback on a website redesign. I proceeded to explain, in great detail, why the website didn't work for partially sighted visitors. Instead of bonking me on the head, J. M. requested more information.

Three years later, at Con.txt (a D.C.-area slash convention), J.M. Snyder turned up, representing the newly opened JMS Books. Among the paperbacks - J.M. happily showed me - were large-print editions that had been given the same price tag as the standard-print editions, even though the large-print editions had more pages.

Then J.M. handed me a jmsnyder.com bookmark. It was embossed in braille.

These episodes, and many others unrelated to disability, gave me a sense of the depth of dedication that J.M. Snyder has shown to writing and publishing LGBT fiction. The reminiscence below tells where that dedication began, back in the days when print-on-demand publishing was still little known.

**J.M. Snyder's reminiscence**

I like to tell people I started writing when I was eight years old, and then I add, "But not what I write _now_ , of course." What I write _now_ is gay erotic romance, and it all started because I stumbled upon a slash website called _Master and Apprentice_ way back in the day.

I was a huge _Phantom Menace_ fan - strike that; I was a huge Qui-Gon Jinn fan. There's a difference. I can't stomach Jar Jar any more than anyone else can, but I can watch Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan interact all day. When I found _Master and Apprentice_ , it was proof that mine wasn't the only dirty mind out there. At the time I was still plugging away at a fantasy novel I'd been working on for several years, and the thought of actually writing out the sordid images in my mind involving the Jedi and his Padawan never occurred to me.

I grew up knowing only about the "traditional" route to publishing - querying agents, submitting stories to small print publications, trying to get my foot in the door so my manuscript would make it out of the slush pile and onto an editor's desk at one of the big names in New York . . . everything _Writer's Digest_ suggested, I did. But it wasn't getting me anywhere, and fantasy is probably the most inundated genre out there. Everyone writes it, and this was _before_ J.K. Rowling ramped up the odds.

So one day I lamented in my online journal (this was way before blogs, too) about how the high school girls sitting at home writing 'N Sync slash wrote more than I did. Then I stopped to think about that. _Was_ there 'N Sync slash? I knew about _Star Wars_ and _The A-Team_ and I'd even found a few femslash _Xena_ stories online, but did anyone actually write about celebrities? Real people, not someone else's characters?

Turns out, they did.

After a quick search online, I stumbled upon the _Nifty Archive_ and, sure enough, there was real person slash (RPS, for short). I delved into the 'N Sync category, hoping to find the same quality of writing I'd found on _Master and Apprentice_. I couldn't have been more disappointed.

The majority of the stories I found were Mary Sues (that is, thinly-veiled and over-idealized representation of the author), where Justin hooked up with some random male member of the audience for a sexual fling backstage. Really? He's traveling with four other hot young guys, trapped on a tour bus for hours on end, sharing hotel rooms, spending months together, and someone seriously thought if Justin was going to dabble in homosexuality, it'd be with a fan?

Come on, I thought. I could do better than that.

So I wrote my first slash story, a short little piece that became the opening scene for what would be my _magnum opus_. I posted it online at _Nifty_ under a pseudonym, calling myself NSyncGrrl because heaven forbid anyone I knew found out the story was mine.

And the fan mail started pouring in.

Overnight I had an inbox full of messages from people wanting more. Suddenly the struggle to write disappeared - suddenly people wanted to read my words. I dashed out a couple more scenes, posted them on the site, then realized I needed to create a website of my own if I wanted to keep this up.

o--o--o

That's basically how I got into slash. I didn't read my own fandom because, to be honest, I didn't like the way other authors interpreted what grew to be "my" characters. In fan fiction based on a known universe such as _Star Wars_ , authors try very hard to stick with canon characters, and they get called out if they skew someone too much off-course. With RPS, authors don't really _know_ the people they're writing about, so they interpret the characters by what they know or learn through the media. I had a very set way I wrote Justin, and Joey, and JC. I didn't like people taking what I viewed as "my guys" and mixing them all up, jumbling them together, moving them around. I felt like a little kid with a box of Barbies who didn't want to share unless everyone played by _my_ rules.

That isn't to say I didn't know other fan fic authors in my fandom - I did. Many fun evenings were spend in chat rooms on the IRC (remember that?) writing improv pieces and heatedly discussing the latest music videos frame by frame. But one can only write so many stories about a boyband in the biz. Seriously - my longest story, _All I Ever Wanted_ , tops out at 467,000 words (!!!). I didn't think there was much more to write on the subject after that! So I began writing AUs, or "alternate universe" stories, in which I took my characters and played in someone else's sandbox.

AUs were fun for a while, but I started out writing original fiction and, after two years of writing only 'N Sync fan fic, I was feeling the pull to return to original stories. The problem was, I didn't have any experience publishing anything other than posting free stuff online. I knew I wanted to continue writing gay erotic romance, or "slash," but I didn't know any traditional publishers who took that sort of stuff. I turned to what I was used to, _Writer's Digest_ , but couldn't find any mention of GLBT presses. I didn't know about electronic publishers because I didn't read e-books, so I was clueless as to how I could possibly start profiting from my newfound writing.

Then it hit me. Self-publishing.

Print-on-demand (POD) publishing was still fairly new in 2001, when I began looking into it. The majority of ads in the back of _Writer's Digest_ were for printers who provided short runs of paperback books for fairly cheap. But when you're barely making ends meet as it is, even a thousand dollars for two hundred copies of your first novel sounds astronomical. I did a bit of research and stumbled upon iUniverse, which offered publishing packages to authors for as low as two hundred bucks. That I could do.

o--o--o

In 2002 and 2003, my first three books were published with iUniverse in paperback. I learned the hard way how to approach bookstores about carrying copies and why many of them don't bother with POD books. I spent as much (or more) time, energy, and money on promotion as I did on writing and publishing. My sales were meager, and I knew from a realistic standpoint that I couldn't continue to utilize iUniverse if I couldn't even break even on my sales.

By this time, Lulu had come on the scene. It offered the same service iUniverse did, but because all the formatting and cover art was done by the author (not the company), their service was free. All I had to pay for were copies of the books and any distribution packages I wanted to buy. I released three more paperbacks through Lulu, then decided to compile a bunch of short stories I'd written for an online erotica website into a paperback collection.

Because I thought _Shorts_ would appeal to a wider audience, I began looking for additional ways to promote it online. I found e-book review sites and realized that e-books were a growing market. But the few I posted on Lulu didn't reach readers. It wasn't until I was approached in 2006 by an electronic publisher (the now-defunct Aspen Mountain Press) that I decided to take the plunge and work with someone else to get my books out there.

It worked. In the three months my first book was available through Aspen Mountain, my sales skyrocketed. Of course, when you start out earning $500 a year, any surge seems profitable, but by the end of 2006, I had made $6,000. I was floored. I instantly set about learning more about electronic publishing, finding new publishers to work with, and writing more stories to submit.

I worked with multiple publishers, including Alyson Books, Amber Allure, Cleis Press, eXcessica, and Torquere. I learned what I liked - and what I didn't. My books continued to please readers, and for the first time since I sat down to write, I could envision making a living doing what I loved most.

o--o--o

Times change, people grow. I found myself yearning for more freedom in publishing decisions - when my books would be released, what the covers would look like, where they would be available, both in print and in e-book formats. As some of my older stories came out of contract, my current publishers weren't interested in picking them up. So I turned to self-publishing again, and I kept more of my earnings without a middleman involved. Better still, I had a readership and fan base now who would pick up my stories regardless of who published them, meaning that my self-published books sold just as well or better than those published through other presses.

In 2010, I began the move to taking back all my stories to publish myself. Halfway through the year, with the encouragement of a friend of mine who was interested in publishing his former _Nifty_ stories, I started my own small press, JMS Books LLC. Using what I'd learned along my journey - from self-published and back again - I created a press that enveloped all the aspects of what I myself would like to work with as an author. The success has been surprising, to say the least. In 2011, I quit my day job to work full-time as a publisher and author. I wouldn't want it any other way.

**_Operation Starseed_**   
**An excerpt from the novel by J.M. Snyder**

It's a little after midnight and I'm the only one on the navigation deck when the call comes in. It's a mayday signal, loud and strong from the north sector, and I don't even think it could be him until I flip over the comm-link and his voice fills the cabin. " _Semper Fi_ to Base," he says, his voice young and laced with static. For a heart-stopping moment I freeze, my hands hovering above the instrument panel, my breath caught in my throat. _Dylan?_ My mind races and images of him tumble through me, memories I thought I had long since buried, his dark eyes and his full lips and the way his smile can eclipse the sun, it all comes flooding back. _My God, is that really you?_

"I repeat," he says, and I hear the weariness in his voice, it makes my fingers tremble. " _Semper Fi_ to Base. Over." You don't have to answer, my mind whispers. You can go get someone else, Tony maybe, just close the channel and go wake up Tony and tell him to start his shift an hour early, he'll do it, he's a good friend. Then let him come back here and hear the signal, let him talk to Dylan, you don't have to. A burst of static fills the cabin and then I hear Dylan sigh, a lonely sound. I remember the way he touched my face the last time I saw him, his finger tracing the curve of my jaw when he told me goodbye. "Jesus Christ," he mutters, and I'm sure he doesn't realize he's still broadcasting. "Where the fuck is everyone tonight?"

Before I can give it too much thought, I lean on the transmit button and open the channel. My throat closes and I stare out the window at the black emptiness outside the station, the maw of space littered with stars so far away, I can't even believe they're real. _You made me feel like that, Dylan, when you left,_ I think, listening to the open channel, the signal I'm sending, listening to my own breath. _That empty, that unreal_. I wonder what I possibly have to say to him now.

Luckily my professionalism kicks in and when I hear the words in my own voice tumble from my lips, they're almost foreign, they're that unexpected. " _Semper Fi_ , this is Base, standing by."

I wait another two seconds and wonder if he's not going to reply before I realize I'm still leaning on the transmit. When I release it, static fills the cabin, a solar burst from the small sun just a few hundred thousand miles behind us. But beneath that I can hear his voice again, fading in and out through the static, cresting until I hear every word clearly and then ebbing away like the tide. "Neal?" he asks, and my name in his voice, I never thought I'd hear it again, it makes my knees weak and I'm glad I'm the only one on deck because I sink back into my seat and grip the arms of the chair until my fingers go numb. "Oh Jesus, Neal? Is that you? It's me, Dylan. Are you still there? Remember--"

I reach for the transmit again, push it harder than I should like it's to blame for the blood rushing through my ears, pounding in my brain. "Yes, I'm here," I say, and I don't tell him I remember even though I do, I never forgot. I don't tell him it's me and I don't say thank God it's him and I sure as hell don't tell him I was doing fine until I heard his voice and now I don't know if I'll ever be fine again. All of that is painfully clear in my own voice, tight and controlled, when I ask, "What is it you need, _Semper Fi_?" I refuse to even say his name.

Maybe it's my tone, but when I release the transmit again he doesn't respond right away. _Don't ask me if I still think about you, Dylan,_ I pray. _You don't need to know the answer to that._ After a minute of silence I wonder if he's not going to respond at all-the first contact we've had with his unit since they've been out there and I've gone and pissed the commander off, he's ignoring me now. Should I even bother to log the exchange? It wasn't much but the computer's recorded every word, backups are automatically made of every transmission, and I know myself well enough to know that before my shift's up I'm going to rewind the tape just to hear his voice again. I hate that. What's it say about me? About how far I've come since we broke up? _Not far at all._

[Operation Starseed _is published by_ _JMS Books LLC_ _. You can also visit J.M. Snyder's_ _professional website_ _and_ _RPS website_ _._ ]
**_Chapter Six_**   
**THE WORLD OF DARKFIC IS EXPLORED**

**Re: FIC: Life Prison**   
**_E-mail to a reader, May 2002_**

There's a lot of hypocrisy in the world about evil; people reading news headlines about criminals and saying, "These men are inhuman monsters," and then going off and emotionally abusing their secretary. Or even yelling at their spouse when their toast burns. The problem is the same, however large or small: a self-centeredness that simply can't allow a person to recognize what he's doing to other people. So it wasn't hard at all to create Merrick: I just explored my own soul.

I have no sequel planned for _Right or Right_ (amazingly; I have a tendency to write sequels). I've got a number of mainstream-reader stories; the trouble is that I'm trying to sell most of them. My stories for mature readers are more likely to go onto my sites because there's no market for them. However, I _do_ post stories at my mailing list that don't get put on the sites; if you're interested, the URL is below my signature.

**Re: Bard of Pain**   
**_E-mail to Maureen Lycaon, May 2002_**

Heh-heh. Just what every writer wants to hear - that they're torturing their readers. :)

I'll be posting the installments every few days, unless my eyes give out for a period (which is a distinct possibility; I'm going off some eye medicine next week). The story { _Bard of Pain_ } is nearly finished, but it's so long that I decided the only way to sneak it onto the lists was through installments.

Besides, I want to live out my dream of being Charles Dickens, with readers thronging the dockyards as the ship arrives with the next installment of the serial, crying out to the sailors, "Did she die? Did she die?"

**Idea for a FanFicSpirituality list**   
**_Post to a slash list, May 2002_**

I'm thinking of starting a list for members of the fan fiction community to discuss the role that spirituality plays in the lives of characters or in their own lives as readers and writers. Probably has something to do with the tons of _Phantom Menace_ stories I've read that talk about the Force's effect on battle-readiness, friendship, sex . . . Then I read an AU story in which Obi-Wan is an ancient Celt worshipping a tree goddess, and I was really hooked.

**Re: Bard of Pain**   
**_E-mail to Maureen Lycaon, May 2002_**

Ah, just what I needed: a jackal fan to offer me help. Thanks for the URL, and for being so kind to try to track down info on this. By the way, this picture looks _just_ like I'd imagined the Jackal looking when he was in one of his moods.

My Muse is to blame for the idea of linking jackals and death - it never would have occurred to me. The Jackal first turned up in a story I wrote at age sixteen, when his only jackal-like feature was that he was a rebel. When I lengthened the story into a novel, suddenly death started popping up as a theme all over the place, and my Muse announced, "He's the god of the dead."

"Okay," I said blithely, and made the addition.

The Jackal's one of my favorite characters in the series { _The Three Lands_ }. I just wish I could post the novels to the lists, but I know I'm pressing things even in posting stories to the list - I don't want to lose the opportunity to sell the novels, much less see them posted around the Web.

**Shamelessness**   
**_E-mail to Maureen Lycaon, May 2002_**

About your {original slash} story "Shamelessness" . . . When I wrote _The True Master_ , I got a letter from a reader saying, "Initially I thought the story would be just a variation on the D/s theme," so of course I had to go off and read some D/s stories to figure out what she meant. And around the same time I attended a slash-convention panel on domestic discipline (which I'd never heard of before) and ended up reading a bunch of stories about that.

And disliked all the ones I read. In both types of stories, there was a heavy emphasis on humiliation, and I just wasn't convinced that the humiliation was being done for the sake of the submissive or that it was even necessary.

I still haven't been convinced on the latter point, but your story did manage to convince me that Mazruar had Palin's best interests firmly in mind. What I thought was nice about the story is that I, at least, made the tie between the sexual instruction Mazruar was giving and the nonsexual instruction. I could see how Mazruar, as a nonsexual teacher, might feel the need to drive his pupil to do hard and painful things, and that his sexual training of Palin was simply an extension of this. It's a neat concept, and makes the idea of D/s much more understandable to me. (I mean understandable on an ethical level; of course as a desire in itself, it's perfectly understandable.)

But the humiliation bit still doesn't click for me. I wished you hadn't ended this story so abruptly, because I was waiting to be shown _how_ Palin's humiliation caused him to break free of his shame, and I'm still not sure how that happened. Might I hope you'll produce an extended version of this story some day?

**Re: Shamelessness**   
**_E-mail to Maureen Lycaon, May 2002_**

Physical pain makes sense to me; breaking down someone's personality doesn't. I have similar difficulties understanding boot camps. Make a guy sweat running around carrying a backpack of rocks? Sure, makes perfect sense; it will no doubt improve his willpower. But I just don't understand how being told to do humiliating acts will improve a person.

I haven't made myself clear. It's not the sexual aspect I find confusing - not at all. It's the ethical aspect. There are plenty of things in this world that are turn-ons for some people (adultery, etc.) that aren't necessarily ethical.

I'd love to get a handle on this D/s thing, because it's quite close to the types of stories I write. The major difference is that, in my stories, the sexual aspect of the hierarchy (if it exists) is secondary rather than primary. It's hierarchy that primarily interests me; sexual hierarchy is just an offshoot of this.

**Re: FIC: Bard of Pain**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, May 2002_**

Regarding your plea that I not stop posting installments:

And the torturer picks up his next instrument, giving a lingering look at the prisoner writhing before him . . .

Only two installments to go, love; I just finished the final scene of the story. I'm having to wait a few days between postings because, technically, I'm posting this at _Slash-writers_ for feedback, though in fact no one there has written to me about it. Maybe they're all writhing like you.

Do you know about daimons? The Greeks thought of them as guardian spirits (sort of like guardian angels) who were attached to a person for life; the Romans had a similar spirit, called the genius (yes, that's where the name came from). Daimons were supposed to bring inspiration - to poets, among other things.

The catch is that there are two types of daimons, good ones and evil ones. Incidentally, the Latin spelling for daimon is daemon.

So anyway, my evil daimon/daemon/demon has been hard at work. Last night I figured out a plan to keep myself from surfing endlessly: I'd put a bunch of my favorite bookmarks on my toolbar so that I could click on the narratives there to my heart's delight. I wouldn't allow myself to go anywhere on the Web except these sites.

In case you're curious, the bookmarks I ended up with - a rather revealing list - were _Boys in Chains, The Obi-Wan Torture Oasis, Slash Without Consent, Amothea's Angst Archive, The Xanatos Estrogen Brigade, The Darkness Within, Pumpkin's Slash Patch, the Slash Cotillion, Christian Classics Ethereal Library_ (lots of entertaining travels-through-hell narratives in the Church Fathers section), _Bookshare.org_ (online library for the blind, with _copyrighted_ books), the _Mad Cybrarian's Library_ (links to online books) . . . Whew. And did I mention that I also have bunches of stories saved to my hard drive, such as yours?

"Good idea," whispered my evil daimon. "But if you're going to confine yourself to these sites, you'd better make sure you select the _best_ sites. Here, let's step over to _Slash Online_ . . ." And the next thing I know it's dawn, and I'm sitting in front of the computer with a raging headache.

I've got to wean myself from the Net, though. Yesterday evening, I fell asleep on my family member's shoulder, and when I began to resurface from sleep, I was trying to figure out which Yahoo group he was.

**Re: Shamelessness**   
**_E-mail to Maureen Lycaon, May 2002_**

Do you mind if I borrow Mazruar? Keep him around the house for my next crisis?

"Doubts" was beautiful. The sweet, gentle way Mazruar helped Palin decide what to do; the way that he didn't try to replace the priest's authority with his own; his willingness to make whatever sacrifices Palin wished . . . *Sigh*. There ought to be a way to clone characters.

I had difficulties with "Palin's First Flogging," though. I got - just barely - the connection between the flogging and Palin's feelings of peace afterwards, though I wish you'd said more about this; I left the story uncertain as to why the process had worked. I'm _assuming_ that it was because Palin's ability to turn guilt into self-forgiveness required the external application of pain, but since the story didn't say this, I may be making the wrong leap.

And the humiliation bit - that came out of nowhere. You really need to write a story explaining that part of their relationship. I'd also like to hear the story of how Palin became Mazruar's slave, because that was another leap - in the first story Palin's kneeling, in the next he's wearing a collar. You covered the process of Palin realizing he liked to kneel and be bound so very slowly, so very carefully, that I'd like to see similar inch-by-inch treatment of his other desires.

Because I'm like Palin, with a tender conscience. :)

**Re: FIC: Bard of Pain**   
**_E-mail to a reader, May 2002_**

You should write feedback more often, because it's great hearing how you reacted to specific parts of the story. Most of the people who write me just say, "I liked this story," which is nice, but . . . Well, I like my characters, and I want to sit down for a nice little chat about how neat it is that Dolan threatened suicide in order to save Quentin-Andrew, and how interesting it is that Quentin-Andrew keeps evaluating Randal's technique while being tortured . . . (It's hard to explain this to most of the world. They have the crazy idea that _I_ told my characters how to act.)

**Re: Shamelessness**   
**_E-mail to Maureen Lycaon, May 2002_**

Well, reading's a complex act. I've written a novel from the point of view of a slave-master (the involuntary type) who firmly believes in the good of slavery and still believes that at the end of the novel { _Law of Vengeance_ }. I've also written stories from the point of view of people who believe that all unmarried women should be chaperoned, that homosexuality is immoral, and that theocracies are a good thing.

I haven't been so arrogant as to convert any of these characters to The One True Wisdom of Dusk; I've allowed them to hold to their principles. What kept me - and hopefully the reader - liking the characters is the fact that, whether or not I agreed with their views on particular issues, I felt that the values they held that led them to hold certain positions were right. For example, the slave-master believed in slavery because he believed that all people, slave and master, need to serve someone or something that is higher than them. Just because I disagree with him that involuntary servitude is the way to go about this doesn't mean I disagree with him that service is necessary in life.

So it's not so much whether the characters acknowledge the fact that a moral issue exists, because there might be stories set in cultures where (for example) incest _wasn't_ a moral issue. In fact, it's rather neat to present a character as unthinkingly accepting the values of his culture - as, for example, Mary Renault presents the narrator of _Last of the Wine_ unthinkingly accepting the exposure of infants and the secondary status of women.

Rather, it's whether the reasons that the characters have for holding the views they do cause me to have sympathy for them. I know that Mazruar believes he is helping Palin, and he demonstrates that belief through his selflessness. So whether or not I end up agreeing that he should flog Palin is secondary.

What has bothered me have been the BDSM stories where I just wasn't convinced that the dom had the sub's best interests in mind. Yours is the first story where I've _ever_ seen a dom demonstrate that he's willing to make a sacrifice. No doubt that reflects how few BDSM stories I've read, but there you go.

I like stories, no matter what their subject matter, that deal with ethical issues, even if only in an implicit manner (a character choosing a certain action for the sake of his partner rather than himself). Really stripped-down PWPs that have no thematic element just don't appeal to me.

**Re: FIC: Eternally Divided**   
**_E-mail to a reader, May 2002_**

The trouble with reading Dante in prose (and there are prose translations out there) is that the prose translations tend to be the most literal, which means they're also the most difficult. Here's what I recommend.

1) Get your hands on the Dorothy L. Sayers translation (Penguin Books, but it's not the only Penguin translation, so watch out). Not to read the translation, but because she has the most accessible, most entertaining notes to the text. You'll need those to understand Dante; the darn man name-drops all over the place, as though he were a Hollywood gossip.

2) Get your hands on the H. R. Huse translation (Holt; reprinted by Harcourt). This will be harder, because it's out of print. The first thing you're going to say when you see it is, "Ack! This is verse!" But it's not, actually - it's prose that's been divided into Dante's three-line stanzas (and once you realize how Dante tends to put his punch-lines at the ends of stanzas, you'll understand why the translator did it this way). So just ignore the line breaks and pretend you're reading a prose text that had a typesetter who was drunk. There are other translators beside Huse who do this, but Huse's is the easiest translation to read; he isn't afraid to make small changes if it would make the text easier for a modern reader. (To invent an example, he might refer to "Zeus's daughter," rather than make the reader look up the name of some obscure goddess.) Ignore the notes, though; they're dreadful.

If you wanted a kick-start, I could send you my loose prose translation of the first few cantos of the Inferno (you got a sample of it at the beginning of _Eternally Divided_ ), which is specifically designed for people who have _no_ background in the classics. Dante wrote for general audiences, just like Shakespeare did; I don't see any reason why he should spend the rest of his days locked away in academic libraries.

Oh, by the way - _The Inferno_ is, in many of its passages, a rewrite of Virgil's _Aeneid_. In other words, Dante wrote fan fiction.

Yours truly,   
Dusk (who thinks the academic world has forgotten the meaning of "popular literature")

**Re: FIC: Bard of Pain**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, May 2002_**

I can see I'm going to have to finish the novel that this story sprang out of. Did I mention that the _Three Lands_ stories I'm posting are a byproduct of a novel series? I've finished three of the novels in the series; one of them { _Blood Vow_ } got rejected by every speculative fiction publisher on the planet. Cretins. I'm trying to finish up an earlier novel in the series so that I can try again; that novel has Quentin-Andrew's grandfather in it when he was young { _Law Links_ }.

I'm ninety-nine percent sure now that I'm going to make the switch to my real name (sure enough that I just sent _Eternally Divided_ to a magazine under my real name). I'm still worried about the effect it will have on the journalistic work I've done, as well as whether writing under my real name will cause me to self-censor myself. What gives me the courage to do this is that, even if I should thereby ruin all chances of my having a professional career - if my only audience during my lifetime was the slash community - I'd die a happy author. I'll never find another readership that's as fine as this one.

Of course, making some money would be nice too. I woke up this morning with the idea for a fun moneymaker, though it can't come into fruition till I make a name for myself with my own writings, because who would buy an anthology edited by an unknown author? It occurred to me that, since the publishers seem abysmally unaware of the commercial possibilities lurking in the slash world, it would be fun to edit an anthology of original fiction by slash writers. So all I have to do is to look around the Web to find some slash writers who have written good original fiction--

Of course, I just know my evil daimon came up with this one.

**Sadists in fiction**   
**_E-mail to Maureen Lycaon, May 2002_**

Quentin-Andrew is one of a multitude of not-quite-sexual sadists I've produced over the years, but it wasn't until I found slash this year that I was brave enough to tackle the topic of sexual sadism directly. I'm working on a series of novellas on that topic right now { _The Eternal Dungeon_ }. I keep having the feeling that the BDSM crowd won't entirely like it, because the sadist in the story agonizes over his sexuality, and the non-BDSM crowd won't entirely like it, because it doesn't suggest that the sadist should just go seek out a nice therapist and cure himself. (Not that there were any therapists in his time period; _he's_ the closest thing his society has to a therapist.)

**Re: FIC: Bard of Pain**   
**_E-mail to a reader, May 2002_**

So glad you liked the ending! It was hell to write (which I suppose is appropriate). I hate writing description, and the ending was filled to the brim with description. I'm glad that it read easier than it wrote.

The pits of destruction come from the Psalms. Here's the epigraph I used for the (unfinished) novel { _Empty Dagger Hand_ } that _Bard of Pain_ sprang out of, which is narrated by Dolan; it's from Psalm 55.

For it is not an open enemy that hath done me this dishonour; for then I could have borne it;

Neither was it mine adversary that did magnify himself against me; for then peradventure I would have hid myself from him;

But it was even thou, my companion, my guide, and mine own familiar friend.

We took sweet counsel together, and walked in the house of God as friends.

o--o--o

He laid his hands upon such as be at peace with him, and he brake his covenant.

The words of his mouth were softer than butter, having war in his heart; his words were smoother than oil, and yet be they very swords.

And as for them, thou, O God, shalt bring them into the pit of destruction.

Dante's responsible for the whole issue in my story of whether the damned can be forgiven. You can see Dante struggling with this issue - as indeed, every Christian writer about hell has. Just the other day, I was reading _The Vision of Paul_ , which was one of the early travels-through-heaven-and-hell narratives (fourth century), and it has a passage where the Archangel Michael comes down to hell, and everyone there is pleading to him for mercy. Michael replies, "Verily I say, that if any have done but a little good, I will agonise for him, protecting him till he have escaped the judgment of penalties. . . . But now weep and I will weep with you and the angels who are with me with the well-beloved Paul, if perchance the merciful God will have pity and give you refreshment."

But all they get is a day and a night off from their punishment. Dante handles the problem in a much more sophisticated manner, suggesting that the damned are there because they _want_ to be there - their torments are simply their sins, shown in their true form. And this makes sense; one can imagine a drunk clinging to his bottle even when he knows it's destroying him.

The trouble is, though, that there are so _many_ people in hell that the reader balks at the idea that none of the people who end up here will ever, over all eternity, regret what they did. As you say, eternity is a long time. (By the way, I trust you notice that Quentin-Andrew spent a very, very long time in that pit - he didn't exactly get off scot-free. The difference is that he _chose_ to suffer in the pit, so it's purgatory for him rather than hell.) So I decided to play with the "redeemed from hell" theme, and also play some games with time to suggest that punishment for wrongdoing might occur _before_ death.

I'm not sure whether I believe any of my theses. But philosophical problems are like potato chips with me; I can't stop myself from munching on them.

No, I'm not a teacher, just a freelance writer with an insatiable interest in the history of ideas. I think that questions like, "Why do we suffer?" and "If we're born with certain impulses, are we really responsible for any evil that results from acting on those impulses?" and "What the heck makes a man crawl through a blizzard for hours just in order to fulfill a work contract?" are delightfully fun questions to play around with. It's my version of playing in a sandbox.

**Re: Gen/het lists and update lists**   
**_Post to a slash list, May 2002_**

Thanks for the generous helping of links, especially the het link. I haven't recently written any het {stories about a heterosexual relationship}, but I wanted to be prepared, because I just don't know _what_ my characters are going to get up to these days.

What I'm really most in need of is gen lists, because the vast majority of stories I've written over the years have been about male/male friendships. Slash-only lists don't want these (*sniff*). Het-only lists don't want them either (*sniff sniff*). And right now I'm working on a male/male friendship story that has too much violence in it for the gen-only lists (*sniff sniff sniff*).

It's a cold, cruel world. However, gen-oriented lists from others here would be appreciated, as that's what I'm most in need of.

**Re: FIC: Bard of Pain**   
**_E-mail to Maureen Lycaon, June 2002_**

You must have writers lining up at the door to have you beta-read for them. Those little grammatical points you sent me are _exactly_ the sort of feedback I need. So was the rest, but you're virtually the only person who has given me really sensible help like, "Too many semi-colons."

Concerning the friendliness of the Jackal toward his intruder: Yeah, well, that's the Jackal through and through. He has a tendency to bathe the wounds of his enemies and say nice things to them, and then if the enemy is foolish enough to try to attack him a second time, he claws them to pieces. Quentin-Andrew knows he's not out of danger; that's why he requires the oath.

Think Martin Luther King with a hidden machine gun. That's the Jackal.

Now, then, on a different subject: Your "Doubts" is driving me crazy. Usually when I like a story, I'll create a story of my own that stirs the same emotions in me as the story I read - but in this case I _can't_. The lovemaking scene is just too good; I can't figure out what magic ingredients you used to create that effect.

I should have another _Three Lands_ story { _Mystery_ } posted at my list early next week (the main character nearly gets burned to a crisp, but I don't think that qualifies it for _MaleAbuseStuff_ ) and am working to finish the first installment of a dungeon series { _The Eternal Dungeon_ } that insisted (à la Marion Zimmer Bradley) in being written out of order. I think Muses don't know the meaning of submitting.

**Abuse**   
**_E-mail to a fellow slasher, May 2002_**

I think you're right that chan and slavefic are very much parallel to each other (and would be interested hearing more about your thoughts on the reality-ideal gap in slavefic). It strikes me as interesting that chan comes under heavy criticism, whereas slavefic (from what I can tell) does not. Yet surely the possibilities for abuse in a master/slave relationship are just as great as in a man/youth relationship.

The difference, of course, is that slavery doesn't occur in our society; man/youth sex does. So it hits closer to home for many people.

Regarding the _Star Wars_ vision of hierarchy: Could you say more on this? I've always been surprised that the _Star Wars_ fans don't rise up en masse and put George Lucas to task for his horrific vision of a peace-and-justice order. If anyone besides the fans were paying close attention to how Lucas depicts the Jedi, there'd be anti-child-soldier picketing going on at movie theaters across the world.

**Re: FIC: Bard of Pain**   
**_E-mail to Maureen Lycaon, June 2002_**

The chronology came as I was writing, but I didn't fiddle with it after I was through, because I thought it was neat that, instead of a slow build-up toward a crisis, the story should instead hurry Quentin-Andrew up to the breaking point - and then show him sticking at that point for the next two days. As though he were clinging to a cliff by his fingernails.

Concerning whether all people break under torture: I'm under the impression - you can correct me if I'm wrong - that there have been a few brave souls throughout history who have managed to hold out mentally until the point where their bodies die.

By the way, have you read John Gerard's autobiography? He's a Catholic priest who ended up in the Tower of London, and his account of his torture is gripping. What I found most interesting was how very hard the torturers were finding it to carry out their duties - not the stereotype one has of torturers.

**Re: FIC: Bard of Pain**   
**_E-mail to Maureen Lycaon, June 2002_**

Well, I can tell you what I was trying to do, and even if you think that I made a mess of it (or that I approached this wrong), you can still pat me on the head and say, "Poor, poor author," sympathizing with the difficult task I faced.

I wanted to show the Commander in this scene as admirable and great. I wanted to show him as the Jackal saw him, as Dolan saw him, as all the thousands of good men and women who followed him saw him. I wanted to show that he was _not_ an evil man to start with - quite the opposite.

And then I wanted to take the _exact same words_ he had spoken in this scene and have him speak them again in the pit, to justify the evil he had done. In other words, I wanted to show how the seeds of evil lie within great goodness.

Of course I had to do a certain amount of foreshadowing of the darkness that lay ahead. I had the Commander promising revenge, not for reasons connected with the war he was waging, but to avenge a wrong done against a personal friend. I had him so caught up in his idealistic speech that he lost sight of all else. I had his men offering hints that all was not well in the Northern Army.

But I _didn't_ want to show him in a "scarier, less favorable light," as you advise, because one of the main points of the story (tying back to the moment when Quentin Andrew smiles at Gareth) is that true evil is hard to recognize; likewise (in the case of Quentin Andrew's unseen turning toward the gods) true good is hard to recognize.

My Muse went all stubborn on me and refused to let me finish the dungeon story { _The Breaking_ }, but it's just as well, as it decided instead to have me finish a master/apprentice story that's been hanging around for several months { _Crossing the Cliff_ }. I got the _Three Lands_ story posted and am in the mood to go back and work on the _Three Lands_ novels now, except that part of me keeps saying, "You can't abandon the prisoner in the dungeon! He's at a crucial point in his interrogation!"

**Abusive relationships**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, June 2002_**

My dear, you don't have to tell the Webmaster of _Master/Other_ how hierarchical relationships work. But hierarchy is like egalitarianism: there are good hierarchical relationships and there are bad ones. And while I do think that it is necessary to understand a culture before you criticize it, I don't think that means people from outside the culture can't criticize elements they find distressing. (I certainly hope that non-Americans will continue to keep Americans on their toes; there's just too much smugness and we're-number-one in American culture.)

The Japanese emphasis on duty above all else has its strengths, just as the Western emphasis on individualism above all else has its strengths. Obviously, both attitudes can also lead to horrific wrongdoings. I'm criticizing the _TPM_ zine you sent, not because I see anything wrong with a servant wishing to submit to his master, but because the _master_ is failing in his duty. Caring for one's servant is a duty, and Qui-Gon knows this perfectly well, or we wouldn't have all those pretty scenes in the story of him being gentle and kind to Obi-Wan.

If Obi-Wan _liked_ being tortured, I'd say, "Each to his own taste." But that's not what we see in the story. We see a master using a servant for his own ends, with only occasional nods to the servant's needs. I see no sign that (as you suggest) Obi-Wan is in fact in charge of the relationship, and I think I've read enough hierarchical fiction to recognize such signs.

Finished up the master/apprentice tale I started several months ago as a Q/O slash piece, except that the characters said they didn't love each other _that_ way, and besides, they were their own persons, thank you very much, so why lumber them with other people's names? So I turned it into original fic, but it's too derivative to sell, alas. (They're a master and apprentice who belong to a Peace Guild. Sort of gives away the origins of the story.)

**Re: FIC: Bard of Pain**   
**_E-mail to Maureen Lycaon, June 2002_**

No, Dolan knew only what everyone else did - that the Lieutenant was from the borderland (his accent revealed that). Nobody but the Jackal knew who the Lieutenant was, and the Jackal evidently didn't mention the matter to Dolan before his death. (I can just imagine the scene: "By the way, Dolan, I met a gentleman the other night who threatened to torture you to death . . ." No, the Jackal wouldn't mention it to Dolan.)

Incidentally, all the surreal bits that bothered you in this section were the bits where I was imitating Dante. Unconsciously, of course; I didn't think about what I was doing till I had to explain it to you. But the weird time shifts, the abrupt scene changes that don't make literal sense, the strange sizes that wouldn't make their way into an engineer's book - it's all there in the _Inferno_. It's how Dante makes his travels through the pit of hell seem like he's doing more than just a spelunking expedition.

You think I'm bad, flinging poor Dolan into the fiery god; here's how Dante makes a scene transition. (He never bothers to explain why any of this happens, by the way.)

"When he had ended [speaking], the dark country trembled so that from fright my memory bathes me still with sweat. The tearful land produced a blast which flashed a crimson light conquering all my senses; and I fell, like one overcome by sleep."

Yours truly,   
Dusk (who knows perfectly well that Dante did it much better)

**_Interlude & fiction_**   
**WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD OF M/M ROMANCE PUBLISHING DURING 2002**   
_By Emily Veinglory, founder of the website_ Erotic Romance

**Dusk Peterson's introduction**

When I attended ConneXions in 2002, I had my eye out for anything in the dealers' room that at least vaguely resembled original slash. I found only three items: a table for the gay fiction press Wayward Books, a zine by the original-yaoi author/artist P. L. Nunn, and a slash zine consisting of a single Arthurian story called _Alas, the Red Dragon_. I toyed with the idea of buying the last.

Three years later, I stumbled across an online discussion board called the _Erotic Romance Writers Forum_. Trying to figure out whether the forum had anything to offer me, I took a look at the name of one of its moderators. Emily Veinglory - the name immediately rang a bell. She was the slasher who had written _Alas, the Red Dragon_. When I discovered that another of the moderators was Fiona Glass, editor of the original slash e-zine _Forbidden Fruit_ , I decided that I was in the right place.

That was my introduction to the newly arisen genre of m/m romance. I would remain at the _Erotic Romance Writers Forum_ for several more years, racking up a grand total of two thousand posts. I would also have the enjoyment of meeting Emily Veinglory in 2006 at Con.txt, a slash convention outside Washington, D.C. By then, I knew that she had not only founded the _Erotic Romance Writers Forum_ but was also running the website _Erotic Romance E-Publishers Comparison_ (now renamed simply _Erotic Romance_ ), which provided careful statistics, and pointed opinions, on various erotic romance markets. Before long, I was reading her blogs and laughing over her wonderful cartoons about publishing.

She is truly a multifaceted person. Not until I read the essay below, though, did I realize that she was one of the pioneer authors of m/m romance.

**Emily Veinglory's reminiscence**

I think true enthusiasms are not something that you are indoctrinated into; they are something that is already inside you, and you are just trying to find a place in the world where you can express them to people who will understand. I don't know how those enthusiasms or fascinations or whatever they are get in there. I no longer even try to think about it very analytically. I just know that when you find a place to pursue them that is supportive, maybe even profitable, you are very fortunate indeed.

For example, when I first heard someone describe, in detail, radical behaviorism, I knew that I saw the world very much in that way (not 100%, but certainly to a very large extent). Animals have always innately fascinated me, so I knew that my career would be in the life sciences (not architecture or journalism as I had once thought). And I knew that there was something about fiction featuring gay relationships that resonated with me. As a kid I was very confused as to why. But there were three things that showed me I was not some unique weirdo. M/M, slash, etc., was a thing, and was something I could be a part of, not just as a subculture, but eventually, starting around 2002, professionally.

My first influence came when I was in high school in the late eighties. I was given a copy of Mercedes Lackey's Herald-Mage trilogy for my birthday. These books immediately told me (1) I was not alone in wanting this kind of story, (2) I could write this kind of story, and (3) if I did, people might read it. I first started toying with some stories with no real plan of ever sharing them with anyone. After all, a published book seemed very far away from my life as a school kid in New Zealand.

The second influence was when I first encountered slash online in the late 1990s (my fandom activity was all online because there were no slash-type conventions in New Zealand then or at least I did not know about them). I scoured various online archives and belonged to a long string of closed groups devoted to various kinds of slash. I leaned towards angsty, darker material, especially Sherlock Holmes, which was at the time a rather small literary fandom that mainly avoided movie versions because of their buffoonish and frankly unattractive portrayals of Watson.

I was online a lot. Being in New Zealand meant I would log on in the morning, respond to everything that interested me that had been posted overnight (the northern hemisphere day) and then there would be very little new traffic until the next morning. I dabbled with Fanfiction.net and various archives. Bits and pieces of different communities helped me but I always felt pretty marginal. I also tried a lot of critiquing sites and yahoogroups, and it was pretty much the same thing. All along I knew what sort of stuff I wanted to write but I couldn't quite work out where that fit in. So I also become engaged with non-fandom sites: poetry forums, horror zines and a forum and critique site called _Desdemona's Fish Tank_ which was a great place to develop all types of erotic fiction.

I began to write original work and fan work in parallel. I can honestly say that my technique was pretty terrible. Looking back I am astounded how supportive people were in reading my material, which was strewn with typos, homonyms and abysmal grammar and punctuation. I was helped a great deal by someone who went by the name Snoo online (I know absolutely nothing about her as a person). She taught me how to paragraph and punctuate dialogue correctly and was very generous with her time. I got further help from a series of zine editors when I started to send my work out. For this reason I continued to submit to non-paying slash zines as late as 2006 (Horizontal Mosaic #7, a Dick Turpin TV-series story).

I also continued to submit to very nonpaying small horror, pagan and literary zines. I have never subscribed to the idea that nonpaying markets are always a terrible thing. Zines are a cultural product that give people, often people from small or somewhat alienated subcultures, support and a place to express themselves. No one is being exploited. Well, maybe. I know zines can be quite highly priced and I suppose some people do quite well from them. But when I tried to produce a zine of my own (twice) it was pretty much a complete disaster. I certainly never made a cent, and I think that is just as well. The worse experience I had was going from non-paying to paying a token $5. I was pretty much eviscerated by potential contributors for offering token payment when there was no such reaction when I offered no pay at all. Grey areas are dangerous, I guess.

Anyway, I fairly quickly started my first geocities website under what would become my pen name, Emily Veinglory. The name was my umpteenth attempt to get a hotmail address name that was not already taken, and the name reflected my enthusiasm, at the time, for vampire romance (of the soap opera 80s type). Quite a few people now think it is a euphemism for a penis, but that didn't even cross my mind back then. In fact if I had known I would still be using it twenty years later, I might have given it a bit more careful thought.

My first proper story was Sherlock Holmes/Dracula, which appeared in a slash 'zine, _Dark Fantasies #7_ in 2000. I had also written an original novel called _Broken Sword_ and queried several fantasy and gay fiction small presses without success.

Early in 2002 I was living in Canada. With my work contract coming to an end, I was desperately trying to find a new job. My Arthurian novella _Alas, the Red Dragon_ had just come out as a single-title zine with Angel Wings Press. They had walked me through querying, editing and getting a cover designed for a borderline full-length (novella) work. On the one hand, it now seems odd that I got no payment for any of this,. But again, I was pretty clueless, and the whole experience really helped me get oriented in terms of being a writer seeking a readership.

My first story deliberately targeted at the erotic romance market, with fully explicit sex scenes, was _Eclipse of the Heart_ , which I would send to Loose Id. They requested considerable rewrites before accepting it, but they accepted my explanation for needing an infidelity scene and left it in. At this time few other erotic romance epublishers were around, and the main one, Ellora's Cave (founded in 2000) did not take M/M because (in their own words) most of their readers were women.

Both _Broken Sword_ and _Eclipse of the Heart_ were published in 2004 in the first year of operation of Torquere Press and Loose Id respectively, and realized my ambition to make actually money from my fiction. There were a few years ahead of me where the fairly slender income from epublishers was the difference between keeping my old car running (so I could work, so I could stay in the country) and not. On one memorable occasion I politely begged Loose Id for an advance, and although they could not provide that they did send me a food parcel. I really needed it and will never forget that thoughtfulness. The erotic romance world is nowhere near as warm or close as the fandom world is, but it has its moments. And the money is nice too.

In truth, gay fantasy, slash fandom, and erotic romance all overlap with what I want to write rather than encompassing it, but as with radical behaviorism, I think that is close enough. I think it is important to have your own point of view, your own motivation, even when you are conforming the final work product with specific commercial requirements. The next step will be to work out the real shape of a pure product of my enthusiasm for whatever that slashy-angsty-literary-thing is that I like and find a way to push that out to whoever might like it.

Maybe. In the meantime my career has taken off, and the familiarity I have with publishing has led me to being a series editor for academic books and to being a paid non-fiction blogger. I am in America now in a dramatically different place in my life and just applied for a green card. These things are important to me too, so I guess I will just see how it shakes out and await whatever other influences-cultures-markets-communities come my way.

**_The Heart Snare_**   
**An excerpt from the novel** ** _Alas, the Red Dragon: A slash fiction story of Merlin and Arthur_** **, by Emily Veinglory**

An hour or so and he would make the keep. Already the towers of Camelot were in view, glowing golden in the dying rays of the sun. At the sight of them Merlin's whole frame relaxed into the homecoming. Vivien rode beside him in silence, reconciled as ever, to following his lead. Though happier to follow it upon return than she had been with departure. Merlin's motives were fathomless to her, but her faith in his good will and wisdom were unshakable. He bent to her solicitously.

"We had best hurry to arrive before dark."

They spurred on their tired mounts, which were eager to comply with home in sight. Merlin had missed his city and his King, but he knew this sanctum contained as much peril as safety. His Vivien could be trusted, she was his apprentice and accepted his rule implicitly; but Arthur was a danger still. The snow of Eire was far behind them now, and Merlin hoped they had eclipsed the burning and improper regard he felt for Arthur.

The fates are cruel, Merlin conceded, when they show you light only to contrast with the darkness and not to relieve it. He left Vivien to run to Arthur's side and make the kind of joyful reunion his own reserve would not allow. She was a young girl and though society put tethers on her, it gave her freedoms that an old man could envy.

He wandered with his thoughts down the winding stairs and along the narrow hall, to the throne room. He dreamed of treating Arthur with a tenderness that neither of them had ever known, but the lady Fates forbade it. They wove their star-destined patterns with greater things in mind than the petitions of their poor servant's heart. So Merlin stood apart, retreated often, and showed none of the joy he felt to be in his King's presence. A moment's weakness could unmake a world.

The empty hall echoed his gloom and solitude, so Merlin tarried there. He sat upon the floor of the dais, his back against the legs of the throne and brooded on the King he had raised high; too high now to reach. Poor Arthur was a proper royal lion, and a perfect fool. From the moment Guinevere smiled at him, he had been as lost as any in the dazzling light of love. As lost as Merlin was in his darkness, and more blind. Now Guinevere had betrayed the King for all the court to see, for Mordred to sneer and for the downfall of Her champion. But Merlin heeded the fates that said, "It must be." He had left Camelot, so as not to have to witness such disgrace. He dreamed of holding Arthur close to comfort him, and in more than comfort. But Arthur's whole life was laid in foundation to the great Kingdom that would follow. A world Arthur might never see, though it was brought at the price of this misery.

"Old fool, to dwell on it," he murmured to himself and stood. Half leaning on his staff though in his body he was not truly old, and might never be.

Mordred entered holding a torch, irony indeed. The younger man rested his torch in a wall sconce and crossed the distance between them. The boy's black clothes were a more appropriate omen, or his shadowed eyes. Merlin felt weary in the face of such plainly evil intent, and such arrogance. Mordred was straight and strong despite his unnatural birth, but contempt had made a mask of his even features. He turned his empty eyes upon the mage.

A thread of power sprang between them, which Mordred wielded with subtle, native skill.

"I am told that although Arthur went to break with Guinevere, they are now reconciled."

"I am glad," said Merlin hollowly.

"You are seldom glad, and least of all about that."

Mordred sat upon the stair at Merlin's feet and insinuated himself, like a cat, against his body.

"Your futile cause may bind your power in knots, but your gaze is always on the King. Not as his maker, but as his suitor."

"You should be cutting capers, Mordred. Not feigning to be a knight," Merlin reproached. "I am a servant to my Gods and to my King, and take no liberties with either."

"I heard you name yourself the fool, old man, and you are right. To be here fawning on a King who disdains you, when it should be the reverse. You have power and all you do is hold it in so tight you wound yourself. Reach out with it Lord Merlin, so much is available to one such as you, if he would take it."

Mordred's hand toyed with the hem of Merlin's robe, and fell to rest upon his slipper, a casually calculated touch. His right hand wrapped around Merlin's staff, anchoring it. The thread of power strengthened to a wire, to bind him. Merlin was surprised at Mordred's insight, and felt some fear as to his intent. What a mage touched made him vulnerable, and Mordred perceived the one thing that Merlin felt in the very depths of his soul. So why did Mordred hesitate to strike?

Mordred stood. They were of a height; it was surprising how quick that boy had grown, and how close he stood.

"You took an ill apprentice Magister; a girl can never be a Master of Magic. All it achieves is rumor that she is mistress to the mage. Or worse that she refuses to be and you are subject to her virginity."

"You spread those rumors yourself, Mordred. They do not bother me. Besides, what is your point? Should I instead be teaching such matters to a viper like yourself?"

Mordred showed no affront. He rested his hand on Merlin's chest twisting it in the folds of his cloak.

"There is much I could do for you, in return." He pulled Merlin gently closer, and lowered his voice to a confidential whisper. The torch guttered leaving them close together in the sudden intimacy of the darkness. ". . . Including all that saintly Arthur is oblivious to. There is little I would not give to learn your Arts, and gladly."

Merlin grasped that entreating hand, it was strong and cold.

"You understand very little about me, Mordred, and I even less about you. That is my mistake I suppose, Morgaine's and mine, but I will not compound it. An act, my boy, is just an act. Meaningless beyond its object, which you are not. Neither you nor the country would benefit from my teaching you the high arts, and I have no interest in the low ones. You mistake me."

Mordred's hand trembled with some strong emotion, but its source was ambiguous. The thread of power between them twisted, a strong wire of malice that pierced and strangled Merlin to the heart. Merlin gasped and crumpled, struck half-dumb by the blow. Cold hands captured him and lowered him to the ground. Dimly he heard Mordred speak.

"You are powerful, old man, but not strong; I am mindful of the difference. Capitulate, teach me, and you might still live."

Merlin fancied he heard a certain desperation in that voice. As if the boy had not expected such total victory, nor entirely desired it. Mordred's face floated above Merlin as he lay upon his back on the cold earth floor. Never considering surrender, he reached for the power that was his birthright. Beyond the stones of the castle and the designs of men, sang the motions of the eternal stars. Their strength sustained him enough to stagger to his feet. Brushing Mordred aside he fled, without delay or pride.

The heart snare was still fixed upon him; he had merely bought himself time. Mindlessly he sought the safety of his high chamber. His chest burned and caught his breath. Death he supposed was the price of weakness, but it rankled him to fall to such a callow youth, upon such a pitiful matter.

Merlin sank fighting but sure of his essential defeat. Curling like a bloody nautilus upon the floor; he knew. The heart snare opens only when the heart's desire was obtained. That, twice over, could never be. A man might reach for the sun, but even if he overcame the impossibility of its capture he would only find it burned its possessor brutally and darkened the rest of the world.

[Alas, the Red Dragon _is currently published by_ _Requiem Publications_ _. You can also visit Emily Veinglory's_ _author website_ _and her_Erotic Romance _website._ ]
**_Chapter Seven_**   
**GRUMBLES ABOUT THE LACK OF ORIGINAL SLASH, MERE DAYS BEFORE THAT SUBGENRE TAKES OFF**

**Original fiction**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, June 2002_**

I had my grand coming-out under my real name . . .

And no one noticed. Oh, well. At least I won't have any problems when it comes time to cash checks for my fiction.

I've spent the past couple of weeks hunting around the Web for original fiction, because I got tired of always reading stories that featured Q/O. (I know; I never thought the day would come.) Couldn't find any good stuff outside of the slash world, and I had to hunt and hunt for the original fiction in the slash world, and most of the time it wasn't on any topic I liked.

Then, when wandering through the original fiction section of the _Slash Cotillion_ , I came across a story that was labelled "Key." "What the heck fandom is Key?" I asked.

Payday.

Have you ever run across the Key Game? It's a game for yaoi writers: somebody submits a description of an original character, and the writer has to create a story to match it. Here's the clincher: the character is always a male sexual slave.

So now I'm happily tromping around in my new garden, because there's plenty of Key fiction on the Web to keep me happy for quite a while.

Now, if my Muse would only take the hint.

**Re: Original fiction**   
**_E-mail to Jedi Clara, June 2002_**

Don't get me started on online copyright issues - it's my biggest headache at the moment. I'm not sure, though, that that's the full explanation for the lack of original slash stories, because original yaoi stories abound (just as there are far more original yaoi drawings than original slash drawings). I think there must be something about Japanese fan culture (which carries over into English-speaking yaoi fan culture) that encourages original creations. Part of the reason may be that the Japanese publishers (unlike their dull-headed American counterparts) saw the commercial potential for yaoi and snatched up promising fan artists. If American publishers started doing the same, perhaps we'd see more original slash.

Or perhaps it just doesn't occur to American fans to create their own characters. Either way, it's an odd cultural divide.

o--o--o   
o--o--o   
o--o--o
=== _More from_ Pixel-Stained ==

**_Excerpt from the next memoir in the series_**   
**ORIGINAL SLASH ZINE WRITER**

[ _In the next volume of the Pixel-Stained series, authors and artists of original slash join together to publish a compact disc zine . . . the first of several original slash e-zines._ ]

**Original fiction zine seeks m/m slavefic**   
**_Post to a slash list, July 2002_**

I know there are a fair number of people here who write slavefic, so I hope this isn't too off-topic. I notice that mas-zine productions - an original fiction zine press arising from a slash list - is soliciting stories for its upcoming slavery issue. The submission guidelines say that the slavery stories can be "cruel or gentle." I double-checked with one of the editors, and they are indeed willing to consider stories at either end of the scale. The zine's deadline is presently September 15, though I understand that's not yet set in stone.

I think there's an awful lot of untapped talent in the slash world - by "untapped," I mean that only we slash readers are lucky enough to know about such talent. I know that some of you don't write original fiction because your Muse doesn't take you that way, and I hope and trust that some of you write original fiction professionally and are winning well-deserved fame and fortune. But if any of you have been held back from submitting original fiction to publications because you couldn't stand the idea of having your work read by a cold-hearted editor, this is an opportunity to have your original fiction evaluated by a couple of editors from the slash community.

http://www.mas-zine.com (home page; look for the "submissions" link on the following page)

Dusk (who's selfish enough to want there to be more slashy original fiction out there, so I can read it)

**MAS-Zine**   
**_E-mail to a fellow slasher, July 2002_**

I think that what scares some fanfic writers about original fiction is the plagiarism fear that our society instills. I honestly can't get too worried about that myself. So much of the stuff I unconsciously borrow - including the traits of Mary Renault's Alexander - have been used by a billion other writers, so if Renault's fans were to accuse me of stealing from her, they'd face accusations that Renault borrowed from other writers, and so on, back to the beginning of time. If it would make it easier for you, just think of original fiction as an AU where the original characters hijacked the story.

You asked whether there was a market for original slash (m/m).

Boy, if I knew that, I'd be making money from this.

The right people to ask would be the gals over at _The Sigil_ , which is a list at Yahoo Groups for m/m professional fantasy authors and authors-to-be.

I think that markets tend to create themselves. A lot of what I've been posting at the slash lists breaks away from traditional slash plotlines - for example, I'll make the poor reader wade through twenty thousand words of sexual tension, only to discover there's no sex scene at the end of the story. The responses I've been getting back from readers have been so positive that it erased my worries that readers were only willing to read stories with tried-and-true formulas. I'm optimistic enough to think that there are mainstream editors out there who think likewise and won't choke at the appearance of an m/m story appearing on their desk.

I think it's just a matter of presenting one's story as something the editor is familiar with. As an example: "This is about a young man who wants to be apprenticed to a wizard, and during his quest he meets another young man who needs his help . . ." And then, somewhere along the way, you can casually add, "Oh, and they're sleeping together."

o--o--o

_Future_ Pixel-Stained _volumes will be available at:_

duskpeterson.com/nonfiction/#pixelstained

_To receive notice of e-book publications and free online fiction and nonfiction, subscribe to Dusk Peterson's e-mail list or blog feed:_

duskpeterson.com/lists.htm

o--o--o   
o--o--o   
o--o--o
=== _Back matter_ ===

**CREDITS**

_Editorial assistant:_ Yingtai and Jo/e Noakes.

_Cover design and interior design:_ Dusk Peterson.

_Cover art (color):_ Detail from _Colored Pencils_ , by Kain Kalju (<http://flickr.com/photos/kainkalju/3800819258>). Copyrighted in the name of the author. License: <http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>.

_Cover art (black and white) and interior line drawings:_ Art by mdbl for _Charm_ , originally published in Umbrella Studios's _Anthology 01_ (2000), as well as mdbl's cover art for the November 2001 issue of _Cream and Chrysanthemums_.

_ConneXions memorabilia:_ Pin and text by April Valentine; photo by Dusk Peterson. Used with permission of April Valentine.

**PUBLICATION HISTORY**

September 2013 (e-book edition reissuing materials from earlier years).

**AUTHOR'S WEBSITE, BLOG, E-MAIL LIST, AND CONTACT INFORMATION**

For Dusk Peterson's e-books, online fiction and nonfiction, and series resources, please visit:   
duskpeterson.com

For notices of new writings, please subscribe to the updates e-mail list or blog feed:   
duskpeterson.com/lists.htm

Author's contact information:   
duskpeterson.com/#contact

**OTHER E-BOOKS BY DUSK PETERSON**

_Available at major e-bookstores and at:_   
duskpeterson.com

**Turn-of-the-Century Toughs**. A cycle of historical fantasy series by Dusk Peterson about disreputable men on the margins of society, and the men and women who love them. The novels are set in an imaginary version of Maryland and other Mid-Atlantic states between the 1880s and 1910s. One of the series in the cycle, _Waterman_ , combines elements of the 1910s with retrofuturistic imagery from the 1960s.

**The Three Lands**. He vowed himself to his god. Now the god is growing impatient . . . ¶ _The Three Lands_ is a fantasy series on friendship, romance, and betrayal in times of war and peace.

**Sweet Suffering**. A soldier courts a young woman on the eve of battle. An aircar chauffeur tests the boundaries of his enslavement. A despairing captive in a Renaissance prison must choose whether to obey the deadly command of a lord. . . . ¶ _Sweet Suffering_ is a cycle of fantasy, historical fantasy, and science fiction series on friendship, heterosexual romance, gay love, and faithful service amidst hardship and transformation.

**Pixel-Stained: a documentary memoir of the electronic publishing revolution in gay genre fiction**. Depicting the rise of blogging, social networking, web fiction, e-zines, e-books, and print-on-demand publishing, this memoir series shows how readers and writers in the twenty-first century have used computer technology to reshape culture and society.

**Narrative Nonfiction**. Narratives and other nonfiction about religion, literature, gender, sexuality, and other topics.
