10 WWE Wrestlers Who Have The Wrong Finisher
(And What They Should Have)
Oh good, it’s YouTube’s signature move,
a man explaining to industry professionals
how they’re doing their job wrong.
It’s the worst platform on planet earth.
So here I am, despite being weaker than Oli
Davies’ likes his tea - side bar I’m not
kidding, he puts the bag in for 10 seconds
and exactly half the cup is milk, he actually
measures in the mug so that it’s exactly
half milk, I’ve seen him do it, he’s a
piece of shit - despite being weaker than
that, here are my precious numerical opinions
about WWE’s current roster, and which of
them should do a different thing that I would
never be able to do if you gave me a full
year, a personal trainer and an entire white
boy body transplant.
To make it a little less hateful this isn’t
a list of wrestlers with bad finishers, it’s
a list of superstars who have a much better
finisher in their own moveset, but for some
reason they’re not using it on the reginald.
It’s 10 WWE Wrestlers Who Have The Wrong
Finisher (And What They Should Have)
10.
Edge - The Spear
Welcome back Edge, we have missed you so so
so SO much stop doing the spear.
The Rated R Soo-ooh-per-star returned at the
royal rumble looking like he’s been sleeping
rough at muscle beach for the past 30 years.
Scary beard, haunted eyes, bumpy tummy, lovely.
And of course the first thing he did was go
on a running cuddle spree.
Now listen, I completely understand that,
like the cutter or the superkick, it’s just
an over move, no ifs buts or coconuts, but
Edge could get away with his spear in 2011
when there wasn’t anyone else on the roster
doing it, but when you’ve got The Bog Dog
knocking out his ooaah special every week
and the person with the Best of All Spears
Goldberg still going in the year of our lord
2020, then beyond nostalgia pops, the spear’s
got to go, surely?
Replace it with: The Edgecator.
Remember this, it’s like a kneeing inverted
crazy-eyed sharpshooter and it looks boss!
He used it to finish a few matches but never
as many as the spear and just look at that
face, he sells it so well.
There’s a lack of quality submission finishers
in today’s WWE and this serves Edge’s
current look so much more than his spear which
other wrestlers are currently doing better.
9.
Rhea Ripley - The Riptide
It’s not like the Riptide is crazy bad for
Rhea Ripley, but for someone whose entrance
theme proudly screams ‘This is my brutality’
a pumphandle slam is just a bit tame.
I mean sure, at least Rhea doesn’t hump
her opponent first like Road Dogg used to
do, but after years of Pumphandle slams being
transitional moves in wrestling it doesn’t
stand out as worthy of someone like the NXT
Women’s Champion.
The Avalanche Riptide is really fun, but that’s
more of a megadeath Wrestlemania move and
would be a colossal pain in the hole to do
every week.
Replace it with: the Big Boot.
Rhea Ripley has giant legs, with giant boots
and she should absolutely demolish people
with both.
The big boot is hugely underrated as a finisher
if done right.
Test’s Big Boot was unbelievably good.
I know that Charlotte occasionally hits the
big boot, but during their upcoming Mania
feud, that’s a really good way to transition
the move to Rhea, because honestly, he’s
hit it on NXT a few times and it’s a LOT
better than Charlotte’s.
8.
Goldberg - The Jackhammer
Like, ok.
The Jackhammer is fine.
It’s fine.
It’s a really sassy suplex.
It’s very good at tricking the audience
that, because big lad goldberg floats over
into a slamming position that it carries more
impact than a regular suplex when it absolutely
doesn’t, because Goldie breaks his own fall.
To be honest that brainbuster he cracked out
in Saudi Arabia looked more painful than a
jackhammer, why isn’t that in Goldberg’s
regular moveset he says like a sarcastic asshole.
The jackhammer got over for a reason and remember,
this list isn’t necessarily about wrestlers
who have bad finishers, but rather they have
something in their existing moveset that’s
better so, of course -
Replace it with: The spear.
It’s the best spear in the history of wrestling.
Look at all these people meeting their ghosts
because of Bill’s big shoulders.
Boom boom boom boom boom.
Goldberg’s spear is possibly the most realistically
painful looking move of all time.
It should feature prominently in scared straight
programs.
How wrestlers take the move and don’t spend
the rest of their lives as two smaller wrestlers
is beyond me.
It’s so much better than the jackhammer
and I’ll fight you all if you disagree.
7.
Keith Lee - Fireman’s Carry Jackhammer
And so Adam’s quest to get everyone to unsubscribe
from WrestleTalk by ragging on the jackhammer
continues apace.
Again, this an Attitude Adjustment with theatrics,
it’s a hefty bit of bounce to it and it’s
a lovely bit of showmanship.
If a more limited big man had it in his arsenal,
it would absolutely work as his finisher.
But we’re talking about a limitless big
man.
We’re talking about Keith Lee, the man I
will someday marry, the man whose poster I
kiss every night before writing Mr Adam Lee
in my diary over and over again.
He can do better, and he frequently does.
Replace it with: The Spirit Bomb.
The goddamn spirit bomb.
It is unfathomable to me that this isn’t
the most protected finisher in the Dub today.
The bounce goddamn it.
The bounce.
It just looks absolutely devastating and the
fact that he can pop-up guys like Drew McIntyre
and goddamn Walter for it makes it even more
of a showstopper.
A beautiful move for a beautiful man.
6.
Kofi Kingston - Trouble In Paradise
Who doesn’t like a kick to the head.
I certainly do.
Before his run with the WWE championship,
Kofi’s long-time finisher could be seen
as a pretty decent metaphor for his career.
Fun, acrobatically impressive, incongruous
Jamaican, but also a bit lightweight, not
always connecting and ultimately never making
the impact you think it should.
Compare it to Black Mass, both kicks to the
face, but only one of them convinces as a
match ender.
It’s a decent move in theory, but you get
the sense that, because it involves a flip
Kofi rarely drills it with enough force for
fear of knocking his opponents teeth out.
Replace it with: SOS. 10% of the time it looks
terrible, but 90% of the time it looks great
every time.
Kofi can’t hit on everyone with the same
impact that he can hit a Daniel Bryan or better
yet a Dolph Ziggler, but like Kofi himself
it’s fun, acrobatically impressive, it’s
not in any way Jamaican, and is capable of
creating a huge impact if given half a chance.
5.
Alexa Bliss - The DDT
I keep refreshing her pro wrestling fandom
page to check and, yup, alexa bliss finisher
is still just a DDT.
I mean Twisted Bliss is sort of just falling
with style but at least it’s something.
Now look before you all inch your glasses
up the bridge of your nose and remind, cosy
little fucks that you are, that Jake The Snake
Roberts was legendary in the 80s, well so
was crimped hair and steroids and I don’t
want those in my wrestling anymore either.
Overuse and a plethora of more impactful moves
like the Impaler, the Futureshock, even the
rope hung DDT means that the days of the standard
DDT being in any way a viable finisher are
long over.
Replace it with: the Code Red.
She calls it the Glitter Blizzard and as much
as that sounds like a special birthday package
offered by a party planner trying to capitalise
on Frozen, Bliss is pretty great at it.
Like Kofi’s SOS sometimes it goes a little
floppy pancake terrible but most of the time
it looks boss, it fits her whole don’t underestimate
my Five Feet of Fury gimmick and, and I can’t
emphasise this enough, it’s better than
just a DDT.
4.
AJ Styles - The Phenomenal Forearm
Wow we all sure did get used to the name Phenomenal
Forearm, didn’t we?
So, look, the move is a) very visually impressive,
and b) booking wise it’s a cool way to open
up Styles to a surprise counter but, to counter
both of those a) it’s only impressive up
until it’s very soft impact and b) that
booking is starting to get a little played
out.
I know it’s not called the Phenomenal Elbow
but Styles should remove his elbow pad before
he does it and it should be the phenomenal
elbow.
And don’t call it the phenomenal elbow,
what’s wrong with you.
As a signature move, it does the business,
which is why Styles used it as a signature
move and not his finisher for his entire pre
WWE career, but as his finisher?
There is just one clear, obvious choice.
Replace it with: The Calf Crusher.
Oh damn, son!
Look, I know people like the Styles Clash,
but I don’t know why people like the Styles
Clash.
We all hate Cesaro’s neutraliser, right?
The Style Clash has as much impact as that.
Unless you’re doing it from Bret’s rope
it inescapably looks soft to me.
Look, the whole air quotes “dangerous”
aspect of it doesn’t turn me off the move,
but it also doesn’t give it a thrilling
edge for me either, which I assume is part
of the reason why fans clamour for it so much.
WWE doesn’t want AJ to do it, goes the narrative,
so we therefore love it?
Not for me.
The Calf Crusher on the other hand is perfect
for a smart technician like Styles.
It looks like it hurts, you can build a match
narrative around destroying the leg, it can
be hit on anyone, you can transition into
it in a number of super smooth ways.
It’s brilliant.
Fight me.
3.
Baron Corbin - End of Days
Baron Corbin is very good at his job.
Even back in the days of NXT when the consensus
was that Baron Corbin was not good at his
job, he got people’s attention, in no small
part to his finishing move, End of Days.
It looked completely different, it was safe
but with enough rotational bells and whistles
to convince as a finisher and sometimes it
has a tendency these days to look a little
soft, it still does the job as a solid, dependable
finisher.
Only problem is, as Baron Corbin has become,
once more with feeling, very good at his job,
he’s become really good at delivering a
move that is even better.
Replace it with: Deep Six.
Deep Six is goddamn great.
I mean Christ, Corbin has a pretty great chokeslam,
the end of days, and now this, the greedy
finisher hoarding piglet.
There are two versions of the Deep Six, one
which is a spinning rock bottom and one which
is a spinning back suplex and yes, either
iteration is just that relatively low impact
move with theatrics, but that spin really
creates the sense of increased momentum and
impact, more so than the End of Days and the
fact that he can launch it as a surprise attack
at any time makes it more pop-worthy.
2.
Kevin Owens - The Stunner
Kevin Owens is one of the best men.
He’s caught fire as an anti-establishment
truth-to-power babyface and what better way
to say I am a tough SOB than the Stunner.
Like, it’s a cool finisher, and I know from
working backstage at a wrestling promotion
that the only thing grown men want to do is
hit each other with stunners, but here’s
the thing - the Owens Cold Stunner looks great
but there comes a point where a wrestler becomes
so huge, such a household name, that their
move becomes so unbreakably linked with that
wrestler.
Like, if Shinsuke Nakamura started cranking
out the Rock Bottom you’d be like umm, and
if Samoa Joe started doing the Tombstone Piledriver
it would be really weird.
It’s not a question of KO quotes ‘stealing’
anything, he asked Austin’s permission and
it was freely given, but it’ll always be
so much Austin’s move that it feels, to
me at least, that KO is doing Stone Cold cosplay
or mucking around on a house show when he
does it and he’s so much better than that,
if that makes sense?
I know the reason Owens changed it up was
because there are too many powerbombs in the
wrestling world today, which is why...
Replace it with: The Package Piledriver.
It’s brutal, safe, can be done on the ring
apron or from the top rope if you need a superdeath
variant.
I cannot really fathom why the selective piledriver
ban rattles on in WWE.
Yes bad things have happened as a result of
a particularly infamous botch to Steve Austin,
but if Old Man Taker is still cracking out
the far more scary Tombstone and Adam Cole
is allowed to hit the Panama Sunrise, I don’t
understand why Owens, who after years of performing
it as Kevin Steen really owns this move, doesn’t
get a chance to do it.
Seems like WWE might want to reclaim it after
Pentagon Junior has been cracking it out in
AEW.
1.
John Morrison - Starship Pain
John Morrison is a big sexy daddy and while
Starship Pain looks almost as pretty as the
wrestler himself, it’s weaker than an Oli
Davies cup of tea.
Genuinely, and Oli is probably a good person,
but if you shout the word tea at a glass of
milk, that is stronger than how Oli Davies
takes it.
I’m not saying there’s anything explicitly
immoral about it, but the way he looks you
directly in the eyes as he drinks it and demands
we all bang our hands on the desk as he sees
in off in a single 3-minute long gulp, and
then eats the mug so it can never be used
for any different kind of tea…
I just…
Starship Pain only ever really glances off
Morrison’s opponents and it really breaks
the suspension of disbelief.
Replace it with: The C4.
Johnny M is a flippity dude, and this is one
of the best and weirdly underutilised moves
for people with his skillset.
It’s been used by Paul Burchill when he
was a pirate, from the top rope as a spanish
fly or a flux capacitor if you’re Kazarian,
and John Morrison has even used it himself,
beautifully I might add.
It carries the same visual spectacle as Starship
Pain, but it actually, you know, looks like
it might… finish somebody.
Who else on the roster is using the wrong
finisher.
Tell me how much you like the jackhammer in
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