

Annette Opens the Door

By Sonia P. Brakowski

Copyright 2013 Sonia P. Brakowski

Smashwords Edition

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Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free book. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form.

Thank you for your support.

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In Memory of our Daughter Annette Catherine Brakowski

Born Dec. 20, 1964

Died Feb. 20, 1975

A Annette

N Needs

N Nothing

E Except

T To

T Tell

E – Everybody (her story)

This book is about my tearful and soulful journey, as I learned to deal with and finally accept the illness and death of my ten year old daughter. It's the story about the messages I received from Annette thirty two years after she died, and the impact they had on my life. It is dedicated to all the parents who have children that died, and wondered about the possibility of connecting with them again.

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That saying sums up my sentiments exactly, and is one of the reasons why these memories and recollections are being written down in the hope that others might read them, and find a sense of peace and hope in the sharing of the events that have helped change my life. Making the decision to finally get started on this undertaking has taken many years for the idea's and memories to percolate, formulate, and grow in my subconscious mind. It would not have happened without the many prompts and messages that I received from my daughter who crossed over in February, 1975, from a rare form of brain cancer. From the other side she has consistently sent messages believing in my ability and encouraging me to write her story.

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The Beginning

As long as I can remember I have seen spirits of people who have crossed over, and had moments of remembering things that I had no way of knowing. As I was growing up, I thought everyone else was like me and didn't think anything of what I saw and heard, so didn't think it strange or different. At the age of eight I distinctly remember having a "dream" where I was in a foreign country speaking a foreign language, I asked my mother what it meant and she just smiled and said it was just a dream. To me it was very real and I remember it vividly even to this day, over 55 years later. Was this a glimmer of remembrance of a past life I had lived?

Then, as so often happens, I unfortunately " grew up" and those memories were either forgotten or put on a back burner, pushed to the back of my consciousness, never being mentioned to anyone not even my husband for fear of being thought strange or weird. I never wanted to acknowledge I was different or had gifts that allowed me to see things that not everyone sees, so for over 60 years I stuffed it all down into a place where I wouldn't have to think about it. Of course there were moments when I was put in a position where I was "found out" by someone, like the time a friend of ours, Brother Joe, was at our house attending a prayer meeting, afterwards during the coffee and fellowship he looked at me and said," you can see aura's right"? I laughed at him and said "what's an aura" knowing full well what he was talking about. He was a very gifted man and was open to all kinds of psychic happenings and told me that I was one of the chosen to be able to see through the veil and contact people on the other side, first time anyone had said that to me.

You have to remember this was in the early 1970's so when he said he also believed in reincarnation I was surprised as I thought it was taboo for a catholic priest or brother to openly confess they believed in reincarnation and life continuing after death. That night he proceeded to teach me how to see aura's more clearly and explained to me what the different colors meant and that every living thing exudes an aura or energy field that can be seen by some people. His encouragement and teaching is what I remember the most, he was an intelligent and gifted man who shared his giftedness with everyone around him. It was after meeting him and spending time with him that for the first time I began to think seriously about what was going on with me. I was being forced to acknowledge that I was gifted in a good way, and had been given gifts that were to be use for others. But at this time I still wasn't ready to acknowledge I was any different than anyone else. I was and am blessed and encouraged by the patience and understanding of my wonderful husband Ed, who still doesn't understand all that is going on in my life, but accepts me as I am and encourages me to do what I need to do. I wouldn't have been able to put this all down on paper and spend the time I did typing these memories if he didn't support me in what I was doing, after all this was his daughter as well, and without his blessing I never would have had the courage to begin writing her story and sharing her messages in this book. I am sure that many times he has wondered about me and questioned what I was getting into, but he never once said a negative word or asked me to stop what I was doing. I am blessed to have him in my life to share this journey with me.

Intrigued? Piqued your curiosity? I hope so.

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The Saga Begins

This story begins with my daughter Annette being taken to the emergency room at Bayonne Hospital on New Years Eve 1973, complaining of severe pains in her head and right ear. The doctor who examined her was very flippant and told us to take her home, give her some aspirin for the pain and then made the comment that she watched to much TV! My husband and I were both madder than hornets, and angry that he would make that kind of statement and not do any tests to see what was causing her this excruciating pain, we knew it certainly was not from watching too much TV. Call it parent's intuition but we suspected it was something more serious than an aspirin could fix and so we made arrangements to take her into New York City to St Vincent's hospital that same night where after many tests she was admitted to the hospital. So begins this journey which resulted in her staying in the hospital from January 1st 1974 until March of 1974, when we were told we could finally take her home. During that period of time she underwent two brain surgeries, both exploratory in nature, seeking to find out what was wrong with her. The first surgery was to see if she had an infection in the mastoid bone behind her right ear, and even though the surgery showed no sign of infection, the doctors suspected something was definitely going on with her. It would take them another eight weeks to discover what it was. We had to wait until we got the results of all the biopsies and tests that they did during the surgery, before any decisions were made as to what the next step was in her treatment.

We got to take her home for a few days at the beginning of February because she had developed chicken pox in the hospital. We took her back into New York City in mid February to see the neurologist that operated on her and he said he wanted to admit her back into the hospital for another operation. We were upset to hear this news, another surgery was not what we had hoped to hear, we were hoping that whatever was causing all her problems was going to be fixable and we could get on with our lives. Before I go any further I need to share with you the special relationship that developed almost immediately between Annette and her surgeon, Dr. Rongetti. In looking back I realized that they had an affection for each other that went beyond that of doctor and patient. It was as if they knew each other for a very long time and shared a loving relationship that survived from a different time and place. Annette trusted Dr Rongetti and in her own way she let him know that he was important to her, he reciprocated that trust and affection in the way he treated her and spoke to her. I visited Annette every day while she was hospitalized and when I would speak with the nurses they would often tell me that Dr Rongetti came to see Annette every time he was on the floor of the hospital where she was, and that although he was a compassionate and caring doctor, they had never seen him act the way he did with Annette when dealing with other patients. I do remember Annette made him cards and would write him little notes that we were surprised to see displayed in his Fifth Avenue office when we took Annette there for her visit between surgeries; his wife told me he had a special connection to our daughter that she had never seen before with any other patient he had had. Dr. Rongetti performed both of Annette's surgeries but never took one penny from us for either operation; our insurance bills showed the charge for each surgery was $15,000. He told us he would only take whatever our insurance would pay; her bill amounted to $30,000 for both surgeries of which our insurance only paid out 80%, so he was essentially giving us a $6,000 gift. I had never heard of a doctor who had a fifth avenue practice and was considered one of the best in his field, to tell his patient that he would accept as full payment only what the insurance company would pay out. Sadly Dr. Rongetti died in August of 1974 five months after Annette had been discharged from St. Vincent's Hospital, we didn't know he had been ill so it was a complete surprise to us to hear that he had passed. Six months later Annette also died. In hindsight looking back, knowing what I know now, I believe they are together and that they knew each other in a previous existence. Even though she was only nine years old at this time she could size people up very quickly and with Dr. Rongetti right from the beginning she had this complete trust in him and never expressed any kind of concern or sadness when he told her she had to go back in the hospital; she just seemed to take it all in stride. I often wondered what thoughts went on in her head, what if any fears, questions or trepidations she had but never asked her what her thoughts were about what was happening to her. She acted so much more mature for her age, and just went along with whatever she was told was going to happen next.

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The Diagnosis

Once she was re-admitted to the hospital, Dr. Rongetti, the neurosurgeon, talked with us and said he had a suspicion as to what was causing her problems but needed to perform another surgical procedure in the same area as before to confirm his suspicions. I can still see him the day after that second operation, walking down the hall of the floor she was on, still wearing his green scrubs. I could tell by the stoop of his shoulders and the way he was walking, that the news was not going to be good, never dreaming even then that it would be so life altering for all of us. After that second surgery in February of 1974, the diagnosis was a rare form of cancer called rabdomyosarcoma. How? I remember asking that question. How could she have this disease? There must be some mistake.

I was by myself at the hospital when the doctor told me her diagnosis and I had to call my husband at work and tell him to come to the hospital as soon as he could. I was able to hold myself together until I heard his voice. Of course he knew something was not right, because by this time I was blubbering and not too coherent. He asked me what was wrong and I blurted out that Annette had cancer.

As I sat in that office waiting for my husband to arrive and listening to the words the doctor was saying, I could tell he was having a tough time explaining to me what was going to be happening with Annette. I was looking at him and feeling such resentment and hurt because I felt he could have waited to tell me this news until Ed arrived so that we could be together, and I judged him as being very distant and clinical. After all we had been through with him with Annette I felt he could have had more compassion and understanding. I don't really know what I expected from him, maybe a hug or a pat on the arm to let me know he understood the impact his words were having on me. After he told me what the diagnosis was he left the room and sent in the oncologist, a Dr. Johnson, who would be handling her case until she was discharged from the hospital. I later learned from one of the nurses that Dr. Rongetti had cried when he got the results of the biopsy they had taken during her surgery and insisted on telling us himself as soon as he got the report back. I don't know why he couldn't wait for my husband to be there with me when they told me this devastating news, and to this day when I think about it that still bothers me.

What a way for my husband to get the news that his child has cancer, I know it must have been so awful for him to hear it over the phone, leave work, get in his car, and then drive into New York City to be with us. When he arrived I could tell he had been crying as well, we just held each other, no words were necessary, we knew without words being spoken that we had to be there for one another. After my husband arrived at the hospital, we discussed with Dr. Johnston what Annette's course of treatment would be. It was during those early talks that she told us Annette had about 2 months to live, that her type of cancer was very aggressive and we should go home and start planning her funeral. I can remember thinking, what on earth is she talking about; I couldn't believe this was all happening to us, what had we or our child ever done, to deserve this? I later learned that the initial response to being told this type of news is anger and disbelief, and that this was a normal reaction when faced with such devastating news.

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Her Treatments

My husband and I were still trying to digest all the information we were given. Our heads were spinning and we couldn't even begin to formulate enough questions to ask because events began to move quickly and we really didn't have time to think about what was going to happen next and why. We trusted the doctor's and staff and did what they asked when it came to agreeing to Annette's treatment. It was an awful time, one that I don't like to think about too often. Even remembering it now brings back feelings of pain and sadness.

"Your daughter has cancer"! Hearing those words for the first time, from our child's doctor was a death sentence to me, and my world as I knew it came to a screeching halt. I became very conscious in that moment that my life and the lives of my husband and children would be changed forever. At that time in 1974, the diagnosis of cancer was a death sentence and the first thing I thought of when given that news was, "Oh my God. She's going to die!"

I remember very clearly the feelings I felt, it was as if I was in a whirlpool going round and round, and at the same time standing in quicksand slowly getting sucked under by the pressure, or, in a maze and couldn't find my way out and no amount of shouting or struggling brought any help. I knew without being told that my life as I had lived it up to that point would never be the same. My child was dying of a terrible disease and I felt helpless and a failure as a mother, after all, aren't mother's supposed to protect their children and keep them safe from any harm? I bargained and pleaded with God and made all kinds of promises if He would only heal her and make this all go away. I wished with all my heart that she didn't have to go through what I knew was looming ahead for her, and to be very honest I didn't really know how I was going to cope with it all or if I even could. It was like stepping into another dimension, a different world filled with medical terminology I didn't fully understand, and no one taking the time to explain it all to us.

We had other people making major medical decisions for our child, while we stood in the middle of this sandstorm of emotions and waited with baited breath for the next shoe to drop. There were no computers with Google and search engines available to research her disease and who was in the right frame of mind to go spend hours at a library looking for information. It was a time of tremendous stress and uncertainty, each day was a chore to be gotten through as we began to learn what having a child with cancer meant in our lives as well as hers.

To begin the fight for her life the oncologist told us that she recommended six weeks of radiation before starting the chemo. The chemo would be a form of mustard gas, similar to what was used in WW2. It was totally experimental, as they had little information on the type of cancer Annette had. Only eight other children had been diagnosed with this type of cancer in the United States in 1974, so the knowledge, information and treatment protocol for treating it was very limited. Meanwhile, all the necessary arrangements were made for Annette to begin her radiation treatments right away and we made all the arrangements on our end to begin the daily trips into New York City.

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The Reality of What Happened to our Family

Going back home that night after being told her diagnosis I can remember how hard it was to act brave and in control and all the while trying not to cry, so that our other two children wouldn't suspect the seriousness of what was wrong with their sister, or be frightened and upset seeing their mommy and daddy so sad. I wanted to scream and yell, stamp my feet in fear and anger and frustration, and throw a few dishes at the wall, but couldn't do any of those things because I didn't want to scare our other children. How do you tell a 7 year old and 4 year old that their older sister is dying? We certainly couldn't do that, we were finding it hard to accept and believe ourselves.

So, we made the decision not to tell them she had cancer and would probably die from it, instead we just told them that she was very ill and would be making a lot of trips to the hospital and the doctor. We sat on the couch in our front room with Ed's parents and after we put Elaine and Edward to bed, we told them what the diagnosis was for Annette, what the doctors had told us her course of treatment would be, and what their expected prognosis was for her survival.

Can you imagine what it was like being told to go home and plan your daughter's funeral because she only had a couple of months to live? I actually did call a local funeral home and asked some questions but it was too hard for me to deal with and I didn't pursue it any further.

The doctors and oncologist dangled this carrot in front of us that a six week course of radiation along with chemo which included mustard gas might work and give her more time, and who knew maybe they would come up with an effective treatment in the meantime. They made us feel like bad parents if we didn't go along with their ideas for her treatment, and we felt bad enough about what was happening that we would have agreed to whatever they said, after all they were the experts, the ones with the knowledge to possibly help our child survive and beat this disease. Her treatments started with the daily radiation, five days a week for six weeks. I took Annette into New York City to St Vincent's Hospital from New Jersey, every day for those six weeks, learnt to drive in the city and became a pro at it. Looking back now I don't know how I got through it all, with two other children to be concerned about, making baby sitting arrangements for them as well as our daily trips into New York City. Life became a round of hospitals and doctors with little time spent worrying about anything else. I could only deal with one thing at a time and for now Annette became our number one priority; everything else was put on a back burner.

Once she was through with the daily radiation treatments in New York City her chemotherapy treatments started every other Friday at Jersey Shore Medical Center in New Jersey. She would have her treatment on Friday mornings and by the time we got back home she would be sick as a dog, throwing up and feeling miserable. This went on for two to three days then she would start to feel better and have a few days of feeling good before it started all over again. I don't think I will ever forget the smell that she had on her after her treatments, or how draining this was for her.

I felt utterly helpless as I watched my child go through this torture and I couldn't do anything to stop it from happening to her, it was either she had the treatments or she would die. What a choice!

No one can begin to imagine, unless you have been there, how difficult this was for us to comprehend and understand and learn how to cope with. At that time, in 1974, in Ed's family, you didn't mention the word cancer to anyone, it was almost as if it was contagious or something, and so we lived keeping it a secret from everybody, dealing with it the best we knew how. What I would have given to be able to talk to someone, a trusted friend or another parent going through this same nightmare as we were, but that just wasn't something you did, or an option we had.

This cycle went on every other Friday for almost a whole year, until she died. Had I known then what I know now, I would have researched more and found out if there were any other options available because what she went through in that year was absolutely horrendous. Now I ask myself, what did she gain? Maybe she did gain more time, but that's all it was, because there certainly was no quality of life for her during this time.

Boy, I was mad at everybody: nurses, doctors, hospital staff, people who had children that were healthy, and most especially God. No one was exempt from the anger I felt at the injustice of what was happening to our daughter. In the same week that Annette was diagnosed with cancer we closed on our first home in Central Jersey, we moved in after she finished her radiation treatments in New York and we transferred her care to another doctor in New Jersey.

Here we were, new to the area with a terminally ill child who needed our time and attention, and two other children who needed us as well. Add to that the fact that we were starting over with new doctors at a new hospital which had to be very scary for Annette. Needless to say this was an emotionally draining time; one filled with feelings of insecurity about whether we had the right doctors, and were doing the right thing for Annette. I can only imagine what thoughts and feelings Annette must have been experiencing, after all this was happening to her and she was only a child.

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Religion not Faith

During this time we felt we needed some spiritual support, so my husband went to see the Pastor in the church we had joined and told him our daughter had cancer and wasn't expected to live; his response was, "Ruby Keeler had cancer as well". I couldn't believe that this was his response to a grieving father who had just told him his daughter has cancer. Never once in the year that we attended that church did anyone ask us how we were doing or if we needed any help. The Pastor knew of our situation, and, we had had Annette's name put on the prayer list, yet not once in that year that she was getting chemo and was so sick, did he or anyone from that congregation call us or ask how we were doing, or offer to visit us at home and bring her holy communion.

During her last ten days, when she was in a coma in the hospital, we called and notified the church secretary that she had been hospitalized and was not expected to live. We never received a phone call back or any response from the pastor of that church, and no one came to see her at the hospital or called in her last ten days there to see how we were doing. I share this because that was the experience we had, I hope that the churches and their priests are more compassionate and caring now and can help parents dealing with a terminal illness and subsequent death of their child, and offer more in the way of compassion and understanding.

What did happen was a priest from a church in Long Branch, N.J. came and spoke to us the second day after Annette was admitted to the hospital on February 10th. It was in the morning and both Ed and I were there, during the course of his visit he asked us if Annette had been confirmed yet. I didn't really see how that was important at this point in her life and I said as much to him, I remember him looking at me and saying it wasn't for her it was for us! She was dying and after all she had told us she probably knew better than this priest what death and dying was all about. In looking back I realize now that this is what his ministry was and he was fulfilling it with our child and in the process blessing her with a sacrament that couldn't hurt her on her journey home.

In remembering this event I wanted to have a record of it to make sure it had really happened and that I hadn't imagined it all. You have to understand that during this time nothing was clear or clean cut, it was like walking in a fog, putting one foot in front of the other, going through the motions from one day to the next and, it had all taken place thirty seven years ago. I set out to find out where this church was and if they had a record of this priest confirming Annette at that time. I received this record from the secretary at the church where this priest had been assigned, he had recorded it and I am so grateful he did. Here is the record as it appears in the record book of Our Lady Star of the Sea Church, Long Branch, N.J.

Annette Brakowski Born Dec 20, 1964

Baptized Jan 30th, 1965 St. Peter's Church, England

Confirmed Feb 12, 1975 by Rev. Luigi Palmieri

Confirmation Sponsor: Grace Cashi (nurse on duty)

Confirmation Name: Martha

Parents: Edward Brakowski and Sonia Tanner

Confirmed at Monmouth Medical Center, Long Branch NJ

We didn't remember choosing Ed's mother's name as her confirmation name. It was all like a dream sequence as the priest confirmed her in her hospital room as she lay in her bed unaware of what was going on. We never saw this priest again after he confirmed Annette in her hospital room that night in February.

During her last few days at Monmouth Medical Hospital I would go to sit with her while Ed went home and got a few hours sleep. I would hold her hand and pray for a miracle and always hope that she wouldn't die while I was there; I really didn't think I could handle that. I don't know why I was so afraid to be with her when she died other than to say that I didn't know what to expect and was afraid of the unknown. I had never been with anyone before when they died and to be with my child at the moment she drew her last breath was something I could not begin to imagine or comprehend how I would react or respond.

The day she died my sister June, who had flown in from Louisiana to be with us, went with me to the hospital to visit Annette and allow my husband to go home to get a few hours sleep, and have a much needed break. It never entered my thoughts that she would die while I was with her that day but that is what happened, and I found I wasn't afraid or scared to be the one there as I thought I would be. I held her hand and told her I loved her and that it was okay to leave, I reassured her that we would be all right and would never forget her. I just knew in my heart of hearts that she was ready to go, and as I have learned since then they sometimes wait for you to give them permission to leave and tell them everything will be okay, which is what I believe happened with her.

Her cancer had disfigured the right side of her face which had looked sunken in and her lips and eye drooped on that side. What took place the moment she drew her last breath was nothing short of a miracle and was something I will remember for as long as I live. The right side of her face that was drooped and disfigured from the ravages of the cancer, filled in and she looked totally normal again. In fact I had to go back into the hospital room where she was to make sure I hadn't imagined what I saw the moment she breathed her last breath. Another memory of that day that I will never forget is that she died with this beautiful smile on her lips, affirming the statement she had made to her dad earlier in the morning about being so happy she could jump for joy.

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Her Funeral

Annette died at 1:20pm on Feb 20th 1975.

We wanted to make arrangements for her burial in the cemetery of the church where we were members. Ed and his dad went and spoke to the same priest who had made the remark about Ruby Keeler, and told him our daughter had just died that afternoon and he was there to make some arrangements for her funeral. He never said he was sorry or asked if there was anything he could do for us, He just told them to come back the next day when the grave diggers were there and talk to them about purchasing a grave plot for her. Can you imagine saying that to a parent whose child had just died? Needless to say we never went back to that church the next day or ever again, we ended up burying her in a grave plot my in-laws owned in North Arlington, NJ and having her wake and funeral in the church we had belonged to before we moved from Bayonne, NJ.

During her illness no one knew or had been told that Annette had cancer. It was a big secret and one we kept intact till the day she died. Looking back I cannot imagine why we felt that we needed to keep her diagnosis a secret, after all it wasn't contagious or a reflection on the family that she had this disease. When we wrote her obituary we wanted people to know what she had died from and so asked for donations to be made to the American Cancer Society in her name. At last we could be open and honest about what she had been fighting for the past year, what she had died from, and what we as a family had been dealing with for the last year of her life.

Another priest, Father Hatcher, the priest from the church we had belonged to in Bayonne, which coincidentally was also called Our Lady Star of the Sea, made the trip down to Monmouth Medical Center in Long Branch from Bayonne a few times to see Annette, and was very concerned about us. Father Hatcher was the celebrant for Annette's funeral mass and prayed the prayers at her gravesite. He also came to her wake as did a lot of the doctors and nurses from St Vincent's Hospital in New York City where she had her surgeries and radiation treatments. She was buried in North Arlington Cemetery in New Jersey on my 30th birthday, Feb 23rd 1975. I remember thinking how relieved I was that that Father Hatcher was going to be celebrating her funeral mass; at least we knew he cared about our family and had known Annette growing up which made it more personal for him and for us. In writing the book and recollections about this time with Annette I was fortunate enough to be able to locate and contact Father Hatcher, who is now a Monsignor and Pastor of a large church in NJ. He wrote back to me almost immediately and said he not only remembered us but told me in his letter, "I often speak of Annette when I teach seminarians about how our ministry can take turns we never expect especially as a young priest".

I was deeply touched and moved to know that Annette's story has been helping young priests to become more compassionate and understanding in situations that involve the illness and death of a young child. I never asked him or knew how Annette's life and death affected him personally, so when he told me that he told her story when he was teaching young seminarians, I can imagine that it affected him deeply and he never forgot the effect it had on him and his ministry as a priest.

Father Hatcher 2008

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The Aftershocks

After Annette's death, I remembered what Denise; the administrative nurse at the hospital in NYC had asked me about writing an article for the medical journal to share our daughter's story. She said it would help other parents going through the same things as we did, and would be a way for me to make Annette's death mean something. I asked her if she was crazy or what? At that time in my mind there was no way on earth that anyone could make sense of a ten year old's death from cancer, and left it at that. But a seed had been planted because many times over the ensuing years I thought about what she had asked me to do, and toyed with the idea of doing it but never got around to doing anything until now. This story, as my daughter has reminded me, is about me and then about her, and then about us. As mother and child our lives are entwined forever so I cannot easily separate her story from mine and put it in book form. The writing of this story brought up many feelings for me that I realized needed to be looked at and resolved. Reliving these moments and what we went through as a family made me aware that Annette's death will have an affect on us for the rest of our lives.

I remember the first day that Elaine and Edward went back to school after Annette's funeral. I had driven them to school their first day back as I didn't want them to have to take the bus and answer questions from their classmates about what happened to their sister. I went to pick them up after school. When they both got in the car I sat there waiting. Finally Elaine asked me why I was waiting and I told her I was waiting for her sister to come out of her classroom. She started to silently cry and that's when it hit me again like a ton of bricks; Annette would never again jump in my car and start chattering to me about her day. The tremendous sense of loss and emptiness I felt at that moment took my breath away. How I drove home is beyond me and when I got in the door I just broke down went into my bedroom and sobbed my heart out.

Another of those after effects was that I became overly protective of our two surviving children, fearful that the same thing was going to happen to them when they turned ten. It was an awful feeling being so anxious about their lives and so fearful that something might happen to them. I knew it was unreasonable and foolish but I couldn't help myself. Once they passed the age of ten I breathed a sigh of relief, feeling that I could let my guard down for a bit but was still overly protective of them, afraid something catastrophic might happen to them as well.

As time passed and they grew up I became a little better but if you ask them they will tell you I was overbearing and wanted to know where they were, what they were doing, who they were with, and I expected a phone a call if they were going to be a minute late coming home from a date or movie etc. Life became even more precious and I realized how quickly your whole world can change in the blink of an eye. I can acknowledge that the fear is still in the back of my mind like some overwhelming memory that threatens to overtake me if I let it, the fear that something will happen to one of my children, but most of the time I am able to push it into the back of my memory. I don't know how with everything that Elaine and Edward went through they grew up to be the wonderful adults and great parents that they are today.

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The Beginning

Prior to Annette's diagnosis and hospitalization we lived a pretty normal life; we had three children and were saving to buy our first home. Ed was working toward getting his business degree and went to Rutgers four nights a week plus held down a full time job. We lived in a two family home in Bayonne NJ and our life was progressing along in the same direction as every other young couple like us.

As I stated before, New Years Eve 1973 is the beginning of this story, and it begins for me with Annette's hospitalization, diagnosis, her final year with chemo treatments, and her death, which is the starting point for all that has happened since that time.

Before I started on this incredible journey, before Annette's messages started, there was a thirty two year silence in which I was going through a lot of things, both religious and in my family. We had another child, we moved and bought a bigger house, and yikes, I became a "holy roller" according to my kids. I turned to religion big time and that became my crutch, my lifeline if you like, the familiar thing that I had to help me in maintaining my sanity. Religion brought a semblance of order and discipline into my life and I needed that because otherwise I would dwell too much on my life and all that had happened to us and I would feel an overwhelming sadness that would fill my whole being. It was better for me that I kept busy with "things". During this time there were no thoughts in my head about psychic things or being able to contact the dead and receive messages from them; in fact I thought all that stuff was like dark magic, a form of witchcraft, and not something to be messed with.

I was living my religion full tilt, head on, and along with my husband Ed, led weekly prayer meetings in our home, where upward of fifty people would attend. These nights of prayer and meditation were all an attempt to fill the empty space that was there inside both of us after Annette died. Religion, evenings of prayer and meditation, trips to religious conventions and anything else that would help us to fill the void that was left in our lives, we utilized to the full. We kept ourselves busy so we wouldn't have too much time to remember or relive and dwell upon the past year we had just gone through. I was a Eucharistic minister in our church and was all in all far removed from any of the things that later happened to me. How I got to where I am now is a gift of the spirit, and a real eye opener for me that all things created are there for our growth and learning. Being filled with the spirit means just that, so when the scripture says "in the same measure you judge others you also shall be judged", that includes not judging those things you don't understand, or judging other people who may be walking a different journey than you are.

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Messages to Maggie

As a way for you to get to know who I am and where I am now coming from I would like to share the following stories with you, just a small sampling of what I have experienced over the past few years. These are real things happening to a real person, a constant reminder and awareness that something was going on, and were in a way a preparation for what was going to be shown me in regard to Annette. I never physically sought nor did I ask for any of these things to happen, they just did. By that I mean I didn't go to a psychic or a medium to try and make contact with Annette, or do meditation to try and contact her like in a séance. I want to stress that she made that decision for me by contacting me and sending messages through a medium in England named Maggie. When I was contacted by Maggie with the first message from Annette, from its content I knew right away who it was. Did I think it strange or unusual that this was happening? Not really, although I did have some questions, the sense of rightness that I felt was not to be questioned. So many things were happening in my life that were in a way a preparation for what I was about to be privileged to witness and be a part of, and her messages were all part of that.

Maggie with her mother taken in England in 2007

Since 2008 I have been receiving messages from a medium, Maggie, who I met in England in 2007, on one of my trips to England to visit my family. Quite a few months later after meeting her in England she started sending me messages from Annette, and later on, also from my mother and grandmother and other members of my family. These messages started after I arrived back here in the USA from that trip. Maggie is a medium, some one who can see and receive messages from people who have crossed over. In one of our many e-mails Maggie mentioned to me that she read cards, I share that story later on but it was a few months after she read me, and e-mailed my reading to me, that the messages started coming.

Those early messages came at a time in my life when I thought I had "gotten over" the worst of the emotional trauma and upheaval that was associated with my daughter's death in 1975. Life was good; I knew I had survived one of the worst things that could happen to a parent, the death of their child. I was living the good life with less and less thought of the pain I had personally gone through, or what I had lost. I pushed all my emotions and feelings on the back burner and got on with my life.

I wasn't looking for any medium to tell me she was in touch with my dead daughter, or for any psychic things to happen and I certainly wasn't aware of any deep rooted need I might have to be in touch with Annette in that way, especially after all the time that had passed since she crossed over. She was still very often in my thoughts but her memories were tucked away in the corner of my mind. The depth of the pain and hurt lessened as time passed, not that you ever forget its just that time did help me to deal with the after shocks of her death. I could look at a child and not think about Annette and what I felt we had been robbed of by not having her here with us to grow up into the person she wanted to be. You never get over the death of your child, you just learn to dig really, really deep, take really, really deep breaths, and try to get on with your life as best you can.

During the time that Maggie started getting these messages from Annette I began receiving messages for Maggie from her father and members of her family, people who have crossed over and were sending her messages from the other side. That year was an explosive year for me as so many things began happening that I had no logical explanation for. In sharing what I believed were messages for Maggie, I was able to describe these people to her and she was able to confirm to me who they were.

One of the messages I received unexpectedly was for a member of her family who is still living. The message for her family member was a very simple one and when she told her what I said, she had a hard time believing it. The message answered a specific question she had asked her mother before she died. In the message her mother asked me to offer her daughter a particular flower that I later found out, was one of her mother's favorites.

I have learned what a sweetheart Maggie's father is with a very gentle spirit who still wants to protect his daughter from any harm. His messages are always ones of encouragement for her. He uses a lot of music from church as he used to be a part time minister when he was alive and knew all the songs from the services, and uses them as a means to get his message across. In particular I remember him giving me the song, "Stand up, Stand up for Jesus". At that time in Maggie's life she was having a particularly tough time in a situation that she was dealing with. Her father was telling her to, "Stand up," and be strong, not to let the circumstances and emotions of what she was going through get her down and depressed. Using that song as the springboard for his message was a unique and special way to let her know it was really him, She knew it was her father because of the way he used the words from songs and the way he phrased his messages. He does this with many of his messages to her; uses music to get the message across or to help me understand what it is he is saying to her.

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Update on my Messages from her Father.

While we were instant messaging back and forth I asked her how her son's wedding had gone and reminded her to send me pictures. Maggie's son got married the day before I spoke to her online, in July 2012, and she wanted to know if her dad had been at the wedding. All of a sudden I got this message from her dad asking me to tell "poppet" she looked lovely and that he especially liked the hairclips she had in her hair. Maggie told me that poppet was a pet name he used for her when she was a child, and no one else was aware that he called her that. Only her hairdresser knew she had those clips in her hair, because her hair was so curly it covered them. Her dad also mentioned something about a ring, I assumed it was a diamond ring of some kind she was wearing or carrying that had sentimental value to her. She wanted to have it with her at her son Dave's wedding. A little off with that one, Maggie said she had her dad's signet ring (wedding ring) in her purse, as her son was afraid to wear it during the wedding in case he lost it. She told me all this when I passed these messages on to her. She also told me that the day we spoke was the twentieth anniversary of her fathers death. I was able to affirm for her that indeed he had been there with them at this happy occasion. She was overwhelmed and delighted to hear what I had shared with her, and couldn't wait to tell her son and daughter what I told her. No music or song titles this time, just plain words and pictures that made up his message to her on this special occasion.

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Stargazer

I recall another time that I was in a restaurant having lunch with a group of women from the community where I live. I kept hearing the name Brian and I just knew it was for this lady I met earlier that day. She was sitting at the end of the table, so I leaned over and asked her if she knew someone named Brian? She said not that she could remember, so I just dropped it. Then the check came and the waitress had written her name on the check. Her name was Brianne, the feminine form of Brian. I knew the name had to mean something to her and when I pointed out the name on the check to her, she finally said she remembered that she had talked to someone named Brian the other day in her line of work. I asked her what she did and she said she was an Astrologer and a Tarot Card reader. She said she also channels her guides and reads Astro dice. Things I knew very little, if anything, about.

Was it a coincidence that I met her? I don't think so, because this was another moment when the universe did its thing without any prompting or help from me, and I just knew things were about to happen in my life. As I mentioned before, for privacy purposes I will call this lady "Stargazer". It's an appropriate name, since that is what she does.

One day we had lunch and went to the movies together, which happened because of circumstances where it was supposed to be three of us going and the other lady got sick that morning. Coincidence? All we did during lunch was talk and talk about what she does, how long she has been doing it and how she first got involved in this line of work. I listened enthralled as she shared her story with me, I asked her many questions about the how, why and wherefore of her gifts, which she graciously answered. She told me she had been doing this for thirty five years and firmly believed in the rightness of it. It was exciting for me to be able to finally talk to someone who understood me and all the things that had been happening to me.

We then went to the movie theater and as I sat there watching the movie, sitting on the back of the seat in front of her I saw a black cat which was purring away and kept saying "thank you" not in words that were said out loud, but in my head. I knew this was directed at Stargazer as we had never owned a cat and never in my house as I wasn't crazy about them. As the cat sat there I heard the music from the show "Bewitched". What was going on? I was in a quandary. Do I tell her what I saw in the movies or will she think I have totally lost the plot and never want to see me again? I figured I had been shown that for a reason and it wasn't my decision whether or not to tell her, so I jumped in with both feet and blurted out what I had seen. She got a bit emotional and told me that it was her black cat, her familiar, that had died in her arms and her name was Sabrina. If you know the show Bewitched then you know why I was practically jumping out of my skin. It was a show about someone with psychic gifts, Samantha and the twitching nose, and they had a cat named Sabrina who did some pretty wild things. What a fantastic way to guide me to get the cat's name, I was so excited for stargazer to be getting this message from her beloved pet.

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More Messages from the Other Side.

Another time while visiting at a friend's house, we were sitting outside on her porch and talking about life and death and if there really was anything more after you die, or if death was indeed the end. I was telling her some of my experiences when I looked up and saw the figure of a man who I described to her. He was asking me to tell her he was sorry for causing her so much pain. I was wondering whether or not to say anything to her when I got a strong sense that he had taken his own life! To say I was shocked is an understatement. I didn't know whether to say anything or not but I got this feeling she needed to know this information and that he was sorry to have hurt her. She proceeded to tell me that she knew who I was talking about; her husband had killed himself when her daughter was about 4 years old. She told me she was carrying around a lot of guilt feelings and unfinished business in regard to what had happened. He just wanted to get the message through to her all these years later, that he was sorry, and was seeking her forgiveness. I passed the message on to her and she said she had forgiven him; she just still had a lot of unanswered questions.

In July 2012, this same friend and I, along with another friend and my granddaughter, went to see a psychic named Theresa Caputo in New Jersey. She was going to be reading people and explaining her gifts at two shows in a theatre in Red Bank, NJ, both of which sold out in about an hour. I never expected to get a reading for myself with fourteen hundred people all wanting the same thing. I was just happy just to be there and to be able to watch her and see how gifted she is. She is amazing in what she does and how she is able to hone in on people that she gets messages for.

During the show she came to our row and stood right in front of us and started to describe things that happened to my friend in regard to her husband who had died by taking his own life many years ago. Another woman stood up and claimed this reading as well and Theresa said this was an example of spirits piggy backing on one another because their stories were the same or very similar. Both husbands had the same personalities and both told their wives that they accepted full responsibility for their actions. She was able to pass on messages to my friend from her husband that answered a lot of things my friend had questioned and explained some things that she had been struggling to understand all this time. Theresa said her husband was sorry for pulling the rug out from under her so many times, and for not telling her he loved her and how beautiful she is. She gave many other messages and statements that were confirmed by my friend, she said that Theresa was describing her dead husband to a "T". She told me afterwards that finally after all these years, she had some closure on this period in her life.

My other friend whose mom had recently died was also read by Theresa Caputo and was given messages from her mother. The reading started with Theresa stating she was getting this statement that she had never heard before, something about foxes or being foxy. This was something her mother used to say all the time about people being foxy, and she knew it was her mom. The information in the reading was so accurate and right on, my friend was deeply touched that her mom had come through. In order to confirm for my friend that it was her mother, Theresa described a piece of custom jewelry that she had of her mom's, even down to the fact that it needed to be repaired and her mom asked her to get it fixed. She also got to hear things from her mother that she wished her mother had been able to say to her when she was alive. I would say that was pretty impressive and a healing for my friend.

I also had experienced a couple of spiritual visits from this same friend's best friend who had died many years ago, and was someone else I never met. My friend and I were instant messaging on the computer (this was before face book and Skype), when I sensed this person in the room with me. I described him to her because I was trying to make sure someone knew what was going on with me, never thinking it was someone she knew or that the message I would get would be a personal one for her. We had spoken a few times about psychics and mediums, and what they were able to do, but neither of us had ever visited or been read by one. She had never told me the story of her relationship with this person, until he made his presence known to me that night. She later confirmed for me that it was her best friend Chuck who had died many years ago. He asked me to remind her of the song "Bye, Bye, Blackbird" which is a song he used to play for her in a piano bar where they both worked, to let her know it was him.

He also asked her to remember the time they strolled through the park together, it was in the fall and the leaves were falling from the trees. They were on this pathway and were holding hands, he asked her to remember always what he had said to her on that walk. She was floored and asked me to ask him why he didn't appear to her? No answer to that question other than to say she wasn't ready and wouldn't have believed it was him had he revealed his presence to her in that way. In writing these things to her on the computer I did not feel that I was in control of what was being typed. Needless to say this was something new and fascinating to me, but has not happened again since that time, once again the ordinary turning into the extraordinary.

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Blue Moon and the Number 9

Another time, I was at a pool party that was held in our community where we now live. A band called "April Mae and the June Bugs" was hired to entertain the residents during the barbecue. During the evening I spoke to the lead singer, whose name was April Mae, and we chatted about our community and the people there and how impressed she was with our facilities. Nothing was said about psychic happenings or the fact that I sometimes saw spirits of dead people. I never mentioned it to her. Later that night, while the band was taking a break, April Mae was walking through the kitchen. I looked at her and saw a blue moon and blurted out "Hello there, blue moon", and started singing the song "Blue Moon", not to well I might add. She stopped dead in her tracks and turned around and looked at me and asked me why I said that. I told her it just popped into my head when I saw her walk by. She was wide eyed as she told me that that was the name of her recording company and that she and her band were going to Memphis the following week to record the song "Blue Moon". Coincidence? I don't think so!

A few weeks later, the evening of July 30, 2012 I did a tarot card reading for a friend's father. I had him pick ten cards after he had shuffled them and I fanned them out on the table. It was a ten card Celtic spread. The reading went very well and during the reading the number nine was very prominent for him.

I asked him if he had any connection to that number, either nine grandchildren, a trip in nine months, house number nine or nine years in his business etc. He said that he and his wife were going to Europe in nine months on vacation and I thought that's what it was. A couple of days later I got a call from his daughter to say her dad had called her and told her that he had just won nine hundred dollars at the casino, I was both surprised and happy for him but have to warn you that's not what usually comes through in a reading.

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The Dream

I have also had a few dreams about Annette and one in particular which was very vivid, comes to mind, which I would like to share with you. Annette's birthday, and the anniversary of her passing are always days we remember and are hard days for my husband and I to get through without feeling a sense of loss and sadness. On this particular anniversary, quite a few years after her death, I can very clearly remember being angry and not understanding why and saying to no one in particular, "if it's true and they are still around us, then why doesn't Annette give me some sign to let me know". You see I had been reading all these books by authors like Sylvia Brown and others about loved ones contacting their families, and I wanted to know how they did it and why it wasn't happening for me. I loved my child as much as any of the people mentioned in these books, so why? I thought it was all a load of poppycock, and I went to bed that night, glad the day was over and relieved that I had gotten through another anniversary without too much distress.

I fell asleep and at 2:20pm (I remember because I looked at the time) I woke up sensing there was someone in the room. I glanced over to the doorway and saw the figure of a young girl standing there, which looked exactly like Annette, the same gold rimmed round glasses and buster brown haircut that she had. Funnily enough I wasn't frightened or upset, just felt a sense of tremendous calm. The figure came over to my side of the bed and I recognized who it was. She looked at me and asked me if she could get into bed with me and cuddle like she used to do when she was little or not feeling well. I actually felt the bed depress as she climbed in and I moved over and lay back down, I felt her body next to mine and I put my arm around her and fell back asleep. You might say this was a dream I was having, but to me it was really real and I knew it was the answer to the question I had asked the universe the night before. She was fine and came to let me know she was in a good place and at peace, not hurting anymore.

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Annette Teaches her Mom

I think you get the idea of what I am trying to share; a very profound message that scares and confuses some, and for others gives peace. It is that life does not end with death. The Christian faith tells us that our physical bodies die but our spirits live on, so how is this any different? It is so much bigger than what we have been led to believe. One of the ways Annette got me to understand her message was by sharing these thoughts with me.

I experienced this running dialogue in my mind where she asked me, "Have you ever walked into a room and smelt the perfume of a loved one who has passed"? Or, have you ever been doing something and all of a sudden you smell something that reminds you of your loved one who has crossed over? For me it is the smell of tangerines that always remind me of my mother.

Is there a specific song or some piece of music that brings to mind and heart memories of your child, spouse, parent, friend, etc. who has crossed over, or, been doing something and had the awareness that you have done it before?" Maybe you have had the sense of someone standing next to you, looking over your shoulder, and you just see movement out of the corner of your eye, or a flash of light? Have you ever had light bulbs flicker for no reason you can tell, or when driving in your car get the feeling you should stop and not go forward, and then realize you just missed being involved in a car accident. The expression "Five more minutes and that could have been me", or how about the saying, "There but for the grace of God go I". Again, for some unknown reason you feel that you should turn that certain corner now, or not go down a particular street and find out later that these were all divine messages for your protection. These are all the thoughts and questions she put in my mind, and I'll bet you've had some of these same things happen to you and just put it down to coincidence. We have to learn to listen to our gut or our intuition when it's trying to tell us something, because this is one of the ways in which our loved ones reveal themselves to us.

Also, how about moments of been there, done that, when you know without being told that you have been here before in this place where you are standing, that you have done this particular project before, or that you have learned this certain lesson before? Have you ever felt some force that kept you from doing something that would harm you? Seen someone at the mall or shopping center and had your heart jump in your chest because for just a moment you thought it was your loved one who had died? Or maybe heard a laugh or someone talking and you could swear it was your loved one, the person who had just crossed over. I know I have had those experiences. This is their way of letting you know they are still around and with you.

Have you ever looked at a new born baby and heard someone say they have an "old soul". What does that mean and how do they know? How many times have you read a report of someone who remembers a past life and said to yourself that's just not possible? Ever meet someone who you know you know, but just don't know how you know you know them.

Each time we return we remember in a part of our subconscious, in that part of our computer brain which stores everything we have ever been, something of our previous lives. Otherwise where do the perceptions that make up who we now are come from? How do we know we don't like the ocean and the beach, don't like to swim or be on the water in a boat, don't like heights, don't like certain foods, certain places, certain people, we don't like the heat or the cold, we don't like driving fast or drinking liquor, we're scared of dogs, can't be around cats, don't like to sit with our back to the door, the list goes on and on, think about it.

We all have favorite colors, special numbers, and different talents, we like certain styles of furniture, and are drawn to certain periods in history that seem to resonate within us. Our brain is a storehouse of all our lifetimes and when things trigger certain thoughts and emotions, we remember.

I have had these experiences many times in my life, especially when meeting people for the first time; offhand I can immediately think of three people I had a particularly strong connection with who have become my good and dear friends. I recently found out through my astrological chart that I indeed spent other lifetimes with these three people, we connected in my chart as sisters and close friends, and just as sisters and close friends sometimes disagree about certain things, so it is with these three soul mates that I have discovered. We go in and out of friendship with one another but we always come back to the grounding force that is the sense of connectedness that we feel when we are together and in sync with each other.

I believe that our beloved departed know when we remember or honor them in some way, and love when you keep their memories alive by mentioning their name and including them in your family talks no matter how long they have been gone.

I respect and admire the Jewish custom of placing a small stone on the headstone of the person you have visited as a visible sign that you had been there, and that someone remembered them. Just as you don't want them to ever be forgotten they don't want you to forget them and act as if they never existed. Annette will always be a part of our family and when someone asks me how many children I have I always say I had four children and one is in heaven. I know that can be hard for some people to hear as they don't know how to answer you, but I will not deny her existence or place in our family. She will always be our eldest daughter, and hold a special place in our hearts.

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The Possibility of Reincarnation

All the things that have happened since Annette's passing have convinced me that there is so much more to this life than we were taught to believe. I honestly have had moments when I wondered to myself if there really is a God or supreme being, and if he/she is as powerful as everyone claims, then why create mankind only to let us die off. Is death really the end or is there more? What about the idea of reincarnation? You may chuckle and think to yourself that that statement is absurd or a bit "out there" or whoo, whoo. But if you think about it, doesn't it make sense for us, to come back until we learn and absorb all the wisdom that we are meant to learn in these lifetimes?

To be able to come back again and work through the things that were not completed or finished in your previous lifetime, sounds to me like a gift. It's a fascinating possibility and one I am open to learning more about. Reincarnation makes sense when you think about it; past lives lived to learn life lessons and then move on, constantly given the choice to finish what was left incomplete in your previous life, or to come back and experience another life in order to grow in wisdom.

Its not a revolving door experience, we don't die and then come back next month in another body. I believe that we are given the choice and the time to decide when, where and how we want to return to this plane of existence.

In a show I watched on TV I heard the Dali Llama state that after our earthly death we return time and time again to this earthly plane, but it's not a revolving door type of return. I was so excited because he confirmed what I had just written about the revolving door thinking. He stated that it can be many years before we come back again, sometimes hundreds of years. To me that makes a lot of sense.

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Tarot

About three or four years ago I started to get interested in tarot cards and became curious as to what they were all about. I read some books that gave the background to tarot and helped me to understand that there was nothing evil or dark in using these cards, in fact they have been around since before the twelfth century and were used in Europe during this time by all types of wealthy and influential people, including royalty, and were very popular. One of the first decks of cards that have survived to this day is currently on display at the British Museum in England.

At this time I used to meet with a group of ladies from the church I belonged to and one thing led to another and during a conversation I told them I had purchased a deck of tarot cards and had been reading up on the background of the tarot and admitted I realized I had held the wrong belief about the cards thinking them to be some evil thing and not anything you would want to get involved in. Ignorance causes people to form wrong impressions that affect how they think and react to certain things that they don't understand. After explaining all this to them they asked me if I would use the cards to read for them which I did on the understanding that they knew that I was not a professional reader or had done this before. This went on for a year, and as I read more, I became more comfortable using the cards and understanding the symbolism and what the cards meant.

I was still seeing people and things that were unexplainable but kind of let it go. This time in my life I realized in looking back, was a preparation for what is happening now, I felt as if I was being fine tuned, turned on, rejuvenated, it's the only way I can describe it.

In 2010 my husband and I retired and moved to Delaware. I put away the tarot cards and figured that phase of my life was over; I wouldn't be doing readings in our new home. It was interesting and fun while it lasted but there was no way I was moving into our new community and telling anyone I read tarot cards. Just as I did, many people have the wrong idea of what tarot cards are, and what they are used for, and so I thought if anyone found out about my reading tarot cards they might tar and feather me, thinking I was doing something evil, LOL. Boy was I wrong! The universe has had other plans for me for a long time, and after our move here things started happening at a rapid pace. I met people who become our friends and they mentioned about having had a tarot card reader read their cards for them. I told them I used to read them but not as a professional, I was a beginner just learning the cards. Anyway to make a long story short I was asked to do a reading for them which I did, and things seemed to take off from there.

That can't be a coincidence. All of a sudden I remembered my mother's statement that nothing happens without a reason and there are no coincidences in life. In the real world life just doesn't happen that way, at least that's what I thought. Boy was I in for a surprise!

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Being Prepared

Thinking back I remember one of my first encounters with a medium was on a trip my husband and I took to Sedona around 1995. What an amazing place this is full of New Age stuff, mediums, and shops selling everything from tarot cards and crystals, wands, incense, books on the psychic gifts and all kinds of wizard and witches outfits. We had been told about how "new age" this place was and we wanted to experience all that we could. It was so exciting to be there and be in the center of a culture that was so alien to all we believed in.

When we were told about the six vortexes that are said to be located there, we decided we wanted to go and see if we could sense that connection between Father God and Mother Earth that so many of the people we spoke to mentioned. We were told not to go expecting anything to happen, just to be open to the moment and not to be disappointed if we didn't have any kind of experience at the vortex.

No one told us or made mention of what did happen to you if you stood where the vortex was supposed to be, other than to say it is a place where the veil is the thinnest between heaven and earth and that it was possible to feel something. We went to Bell Rock and stood on the top with our arms flung wide open and waited, both of us felt something like an electrical current go through our bodies. We looked at each other not quite knowing what to make of it but as we were still in one piece we figured nothing harmful had happened.

Later that day we decided to do something totally out of character for each of us, my husband told me he wanted to take a helicopter ride among the Red Rocks of Sedona and I opted to go for a past life reading. I am, and have been, curious and fascinated even then with this possibility of reincarnation and living past lives. I was open to seeing if I could get any sense of having lived a past life or prove to myself it was all hocus pocus. Anyway I called this past life medium that I saw in the newspaper and surprise, surprise; she had a cancellation for that afternoon at 3pm, so I went. I still have the tape recording of that session and can remember it was only supposed to be for 45 minutes and I ended up staying there for an hour and a half. I was blown away at what happened during my time with her and can tell you from that moment on a part of me believed in the possibility of reincarnation. There was no way I could say that what I had just experienced wasn't real, all the information was coming from me,

I was not in any way prompted by the psychic to give this information and I was aware during the whole session of what was going on and being said. Where then was all this information coming from?

Sometime after my experience at Sedona, I started watching John Edward on TV, once again fascinated and somehow connected to what he was doing. It seemed to resonate within me. Like most people I day dreamed about having a meeting with him where he would read me and pass on messages from the other side to me. I had fantasies where I would meet him unexpectedly and he would look at me and start a reading just like he did on television. Was this reality? I don't think so, but this is how many people feel and think when they are confronted with the emotional turmoil that the death of a loved one, especially a child, can cause. They want so much for someone to tell them that there is more and that death is not the end. I read a lot of books by many authors on this subject and wanted to learn all I could about the mechanics of how this worked. I have always been an avid reader and when something piqued my curiosity I would read anything and everything I could get my hands on to explain the subject.

Of course the same thing was said over and over again, it is a gift and there is no explanation as to the where, why, and how of it. It just happens to certain people. There is no school you can go to where you would learn how to do this. There is no course you can take that would make you a professor of mediums. There is no magical college that would teach you how to contact the dead. We certainly weren't living in Harry Potter's world, but in a world where the mystical and magical still was happening but in a reality far removed from the movie version of Hogwarts School. Many groups have tried to teach these gifts to others and they have not been successful because it is not something that can be taught in a school. It is pure gift given by the spirit to help a hurting generation of seekers, and those that are gifted are called to share their gifts with others.

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And so it Begins........

To continue the story about Annette and my journey into becoming a believer about all things psychic, I share the following. Maggie and I have kept in touch since our first meeting in 2007, which is the first time I said anything to anyone about what I see. I never shared this information with anyone except my sister Kris who lives in England. Strange isn't it, I could believe in seeing people who had crossed over but couldn't believe that they could give messages to mediums. That seemed so far fetched to me and to a lot of people I am sure. Yet here I was telling this woman I had just met things I had never shared with anyone else except my sister. Let me explain what happened at my first meeting with Maggie.

My sister and I had driven to Winchester in Hampshire, England, to do some research on my birth father's family. Afterwards we drove to Maggie's home in Farnham to meet her and have lunch. Having never met her in person I was looking forward to our meeting and sharing our information on our families. I am researching my family through genealogy, and found Maggie on the internet. She was also searching for information on her family. We discovered we were related through her grandfather and my great-grandfather, whose last names were Messenger. As I sat there talking to her and her mother I saw this gentleman in her dining room, just standing there. To preface this I want to tell you he looked as real as you and I. I asked her why she hadn't introduced us to him and she looked at me rather strangely and said she didn't see anyone there. Oh boy! She asked me to describe him, which I did. Then she went and got a picture of this person I was seeing. It was her grandfather. It got very quiet in the room and my sister said under her breathe, 'There she goes again".

We all nervously laughed and then Maggie told me she has similar things happen to her. She not only sees people but also gets messages from spirits for other people. She had these encounters for a long time but didn't tell anybody because she didn't want to be thought of as strange or weird. I was blown away and fascinated. She was the first person I had met who seemed to think it was natural to have these types of encounters. It was after this meeting with her, when I flew back to the states, that a few months later, Maggie started receiving messages from Annette.

When I got back to New Jersey after my trip back home I e-mailed Maggie or she e-mailed me, I can't really remember, and we started a correspondence that continues to this day. Maggie told me she reads cards and I was intrigued and very interested and asked her if she would read mine. I didn't know she used a regular deck of cards to do her readings, she told me what to do and I did it only I did it as if it was Annette asking for the reading.

I waited for about a week before Maggie e-mailed me and said that she sensed that this reading wasn't for a friend as I had told her it was, she was puzzled and told me she was getting a strong daughter connection with the cards. I figured I'd better fess up so it was then that I told her that I had a daughter who had crossed over and her name was Annette and that was who I had in mind when I chose the cards for her to read. I later confessed to Maggie that I had purposely chosen the cards with Annette in mind and was curious to see what she would get, I guess in a way I was testing her. I did have a reading done later for myself, and it was at this time that I shared part of Annette's story with Maggie.

I had encountered someone able to do these types of readings once before, when I took my mother-in-law to meet her sister Vickie in Bayonne. During our visit her sister asked if she could read us. She then took out a regular deck of cards and dealt them out onto the table, and began to tell us things that she was seeing in the cards. I thought her sister was a bit strange and so humored her by allowing her to "read" me. My mother in law told me later that her sister Vickie told her when she showed her Annette's picture as a baby, that the cards showed her that Annette was going to die young; she thought her sister was just being dramatic and never thought any more of it until after Annette died.

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Trying to Explain the Unexplainable

It was quite a few months after my card reading with Maggie that she started sharing the messages she was getting. I wasn't really sure how to respond, and at this time I was back in the states and she was in England. Of course a part of me wanted to believe what she was telling me but the skeptical part of me said this wasn't possible. One of my first questions to her was, "You are three thousand miles away in England and I live here in the United States. How is it you are getting messages from my daughter who you never met or knew?" Like me she has no idea why this was happening to her other than to say she knew that she was seeing and sensing this person, a child, who was connected to me. I am forever grateful to her for her willingness to share those first messages not knowing what kind of reaction she would get. I truly believe in the messages she receives, she shares things she has no way of knowing, and blesses me with her gift.

At the time of my daughter Annette's passing in 1975, I certainly didn't believe in all this hocus pocus stuff of dead people contacting their family members to tell them they are okay and in a better place. What better place could my daughter be than with her loving family? At that time I felt these psychic's were all using people's emotions to make money and garner fame and fortune for themselves, but was what they were doing real? Do our loved ones really stay in contact with us through a medium giving messages, and why is it so important for us to have this contact with them.

Again the question that we all ask is, if they do come through to these mediums, why don't they come through to us, their families? Is it because our innate nature tells us this really can't be real, or as it was with me at that time, our religious background makes us deny the possibility that this can happen. Whatever they are doing it's not anything that can be explained away by logical thinking, or rational understanding.

It is truly happening where people are becoming more open and accepting of this phenomenon. It's something every person wants to hear, a message from someone they have loved who has crossed over. There's this need we have to want to know that they are indeed in a better place, with other family members, and they are not sad or unhappy.

The spirits of our departed loved ones are around us always and present to us in many different ways. We miss the signs that they give us because we are to worldly wise to see them. Or maybe we just don't want to believe that they are there, BUT----the signs are there because they still care for us and want us to know they are okay.

I believe strongly that Annette never really left us; her physical body did, but her essence, her spirit remains with us always. Isn't that something we all want to believe? There is no magical place that our loved ones go to where they sit on a cloud, playing a harp, hopping from cloud to cloud, for the rest of eternity. How boring would that be?

I now believe that the veil between the spirit world and this existence is very thin and can be opened by certain people who are born with this gift of being a medium. Here I was on the threshold of something new and almost magical, a new era, a new experience, and I was not afraid or fearing it. Quite the opposite, I was welcoming it.

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Death

As I have stated many times before, when Annette died a part of me died with her and that part will always be a reminder of all that she could have been had she lived. It will always feel like a part of the nucleus of our family is missing. Did you ever go somewhere and feel like you forgot something or left something behind? Maybe gone out and couldn't remember whether or not you had turned the stove off or left the iron plugged in, or remembered to lock the front door on your way out? It's so strong that you think you should go back and check to make sure you did turn off the stove, unplug the iron and lock the front door.

That sense of questioning and the feeling that something isn't right just doesn't go away. It lessens over time, but is still there and every once in a while the pain will come rushing back in and hit me with a reality check that this really did happen. It's like getting doused with a tub of cold water in the middle of winter.

I know I still miss her after all these years and often wonder what she would have been like as a teenager, a youth, and a young adult. What would she have been doing as her career? Would she have married and had any children?

All those special moments in time that we expect to share with our children were things I felt cheated out of by her early death, and I missed not seeing all these things and sharing them with her. I am pretty sure I am not alone in thinking that or having those feelings. Ask any parent who has had a child die and tried to go on without them. It isn't easy, probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

I remember coming back to our house in Cliffwood N.J. after Annette's funeral and going upstairs into her room and starting to pack away all her clothes and toys. I didn't want our other daughter to have to sleep in the bedroom she had shared with her sister and see all her things still there as she had left them. It was important to me to pack Annette's clothes away and try to make things as normal as possible with her gone, whatever normal would be from here on in.

I began to get angry at God for taking her and it wasn't until my sister in England sent me a letter and said God didn't choose for Annette to die, it was man's inhumanity to man that caused her cancer. She said it's what we are doing to our environment and the poisons we are spraying our foods with, and that made sense to me as much as anything else I could blame it on. I desperately needed to have something or someone to blame for her death and so this letter from my sister furnished that for me. I also remembered the words my grandmother said as she stood at my mother's graveside, that parents aren't supposed to be burying their children. Children are supposed to bury their parents. How true.

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The Journey

As I shared earlier, we never told Annette that she had cancer or that she was going to die from it, but somehow, looking back, I know she knew. During the course of her treatment she told us at the supper table one night, completely out of the blue that she wasn't afraid of dying because she knew where she was going. How shocked we both were to hear her saying those words to us. We had not been discussing anything to do with death and dying; she just all of a sudden looked at us and made that statement. It was almost as if she was trying to comfort us and reassure us that we didn't have to worry about her because she was going to be all right.

At the end of her short life she was in the hospital for ten long days. Most of the time she was in a coma and my husband and I took turns to be with her around the clock. Neither of us wanted her to be alone in a hospital room with no one there to hold her hand and say goodbye when she died. Early in the morning on the day she passed over she sat up in her hospital bed and told her dad, "I am so happy I could jump for joy". Was she already seeing where she was going? I believe she did.

You have to understand what a miracle it was for her to be saying anything at all. At this point the cancer had eaten her brain away, she had no control over her bodily functions and her organs were all shutting down. According to the neurologist that spoke to us, she could no longer speak, see, or hear anything. He told us there was no way she could have spoken to us because she had no brain function and the only thing keeping her alive was her heart, because she was so young her heart would be the last thing to stop working. I am sure he must have thought us to be emotionally distraught and just heard what we wanted to hear.

So here was this specialist telling us that there was no way according to his medical expertise that she would have been able to say anything, and yet here she was sitting up in her bed and giving us this message, a message that in the future would come to mean so much to both my husband and I. Affirming for us that there certainly was a better place that we go to and she was already seeing it, "I am so happy, I could jump for joy". Truly today I can look on it as a miracle and state with certainty that in that hospital room God spoke to us through our child, a ten year old child dying of brain cancer!

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How Do I Begin?

Everyone I told that story to after her death said how wonderful it was that she was able to do that. That God gave us a beautiful message of hope through her. Well maybe He did but that's certainly not how I felt at the time. What kind of God would take a ten year old child with such a horrific disease and then have her give that kind of message to her parents? I didn't care what she was seeing or how joyful she felt. I didn't want her to go and it broke my heart to hear those words, because it made her death inevitable and final.

I knew her death was imminent and I wasn't ready for it. The hardest thing for me to do was to say goodbye to her and tell her it was okay to go, that we would be all right and that I loved her. I felt she was being cheated out of life. A life in which she had so much left to do, so many things she hadn't had the chance to experience. Why was she being denied the chance to go through puberty, the teenage angst, her first date, falling in love, getting married and having a family of her own? It's not easy to explain the multitude of emotions that I went through in that hospital the day she died: relief that it was over for her, anger that she had to die, sorrow that I couldn't do anything to save her, and a sense that this was all happening to someone else.

The nurse was offering me a valium to take, as if that was going to make her death easier to bear. I guess she thought that I was going to go berserk and carry on like a crazy woman. I told her you do not understand anything, I have to feel every emotion and heartache that comes with her death. I didn't want to mask any of the pain or cover it up with drugs. I had to feel it to believe it was all happening. Inside I was yelling and crying, "Dear God, it just didn't seem fair!"

In the days following her death, as we prepared for her funeral, someone asked me if those messages helped make her passing any easier? I told them absolutely not! There is nothing that can make sense out of the death of a child, and unless you have walked down that particular road, you have no idea what it's like.

Does knowing you are going to have to have a very serious operation but it can be done as laser surgery, and you will feel so much better once its done, make it any easier to deal with? Or going to the oral dentist and being told you have five cavities, need two root canals and periodontal surgery, but the good news is the dentist can do it all at one time, make it any easier to accept and handle? Of course not, none of these examples even come close to the emotional upheaval the death of a loved one has in your life, but I think you get the idea of what I am saying. Nothing but nothing prepares you for the myriad of emotions that go through your mind when your child dies, even if you know that this is the outcome of their disease. It's not something you can make yourself ready for. When the death occurs, it hits you like a ton of bricks. So many emotions are swirling through your head at that moment and you just have to go along with the waterfall of feelings and hope and pray that you can get through it all in one piece.

Only now looking back, knowing what I now know, can I appreciate the gift her words were to us. Now, I am so glad to set the record straight and say a huge thank you to the powers that be, for allowing us to hear and remember those words of wisdom thirty seven years later.

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The Funeral

Many strange and wonderful things were happening during her wake. I was especially taken aback when the undertaker started telling us what happened when he was embalming her body. Every time he tried to embalm Annette she would turn pink and seemed to smile. How strange, and yet, I remembered what had happened in the hospital room when she drew her last breath and her face was once again whole and beautiful as it was before cancer ravaged it.

For me her wake was a haze of people and things said that meant nothing to me at the time. I wanted to scream and yell out to all these people laughing and talking as if nothing had happened, treating this time as just another family gathering. My child is lying in that coffin! Can't you stop the laughter and the passing around of family pictures and have some respect for where you are? For me these things were tucked away in my mind and only now as I write this book are they being remembered without too much pain being associated with the memories.

We took our other two children to the funeral home to view their sister, but did it privately. We didn't want them there when there would be a lot of people around. Elaine looked at Annette and asked me where she got the dress that she was wearing? Then, she kind of held back. I told Elaine that her dress was something that grandma and grampy bought for her. I remember it was a yellow gauzy kind of fabric with an empire waistline and a pleated bottom.

Our son Edward on the other hand, ran up and gave her a kiss and asked me why was she so cold? Edward said she looked like she was lying in a field of flowers, and Elaine just stood and looked at her. I did wonder what she was thinking, seeing her sister lying there in her coffin but never asked her. Of course today things are very different and children go to wakes of family members. I always regretted not having them there with us during this time. After all, this was as devastating a loss for them as it was for us. We thought we were sparing them the sadness of the memories of her funeral and burial, but in looking back I realized what a disservice we did to them not allowing them to be with the family to mourn their sister.

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The Messages Begin

When Maggie first started receiving Annette's messages I was dumbfounded. After all this time of secretly wishing and praying for a sign from her, but not really believing in those kinds of things happening, here was this woman I met in England receiving messages from her and telling me things that could only have come from Annette. Did the messages have to wait until I met Maggie and knew who she was? Did the universe set this all up for me to receive these messages from my child when I would be receptive to them?

My next question then was, "Why now?" Why not right after she passed? Why did I have to wait almost thirty two years? I think I know why! I wasn't ready to accept the reality of this wonderful gift. I was still too much of a skeptic, and too much of a disbeliever in this kind of supernatural happening that if someone had told me they were getting messages from my daughter I would have laughed in their face. I didn't believe in psychics or mediums being able to talk to dead people. Yet it has happened, and I am a recipient of these truly life changing events.

One of the early messages Annette gave Maggie was about the red rose. This was November 7, 2008. Annette had sent this message to Maggie, "She still has the red rose". Maggie wasn't sure if she meant a red rose had been placed in her hand when she was in her coffin, or someone placed it on her coffin before she was buried. My husband and I discussed this and neither of us could remember if she had held a red rose in her hands, but I do remember red roses being placed on her coffin by members of the family when we were at the cemetery before her burial.

I know she wore her medal, the one she asked Elaine to give to us. Her stuffed dog, "Sleepy", which her grandfather bought for her when she was in the hospital, was placed in the coffin with her. She also had her rosary beads from her first communion wrapped around her hands. I couldn't think of anything else it could mean at the time, so I put the message on a back burner and forgot about it.

Years later when I began writing my book, my granddaughter asked me to read to her what I had written so far. This was September 22, 2012, almost four years after I received that message. As I read to her this section of the book, it hit me like a Mac truck what Annette was referring to when she said "She still has the red rose". I realized she was talking about the perfume bottle that I had on the dresser in my bedroom that she had given to me. At the time Maggie sent me this message I thought she meant that she still had the red rose and thought I would know what she was talking about.

The Christmas before she died, December 1974, Annette gave me as a gift, an Avon perfume bottle shaped like a red rose. The glass was colored red, and it was filled with rose scented perfume. She knew how much I loved roses. I still have that perfume rose bottle. I never used the perfume it holds, but the rose bottle has stayed on my dresser ever since Annette gave it to me on that Christmas day, 1974.

The perfume bottle. A gift from Annette, Christmas 1974

Thus her statement that "SHE still has the red rose", (Remember Annette was "talking" to Maggie at the time she made this statement), meaning that "I" still had the red rose. It was something only I would know about. I was overwhelmed with the awareness of what this meant; Annette was telling me that she knew I had kept her last gift to me all these years, and patiently waited until I realized what exactly she was telling me in that early message.

Do you get what this means? Annette could see what I have sitting on my bedroom dresser and used it as another proof that she can see and hear when we talk to her. I never asked her for this proof but I can say, "What more proof would I personally need that her physical body died but her consciousness lives on, and through that consciousness she is still with us."

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Oh the Joy!

Before I go any further I want to re-assure you that receiving these messages from Maggie is in no way sad or depressing. I am constantly being reminded that I am blessed to be able to have this contact. Annette in the spirit is the same fun loving cheeky little ten year old girl that she was when she was alive with us. She likes to make jokes and Maggie sometimes has a hard time understanding her sense of humor, but its still there, very much alive and as vibrant as she is and was in life.

She is no angel and certainly not a philosopher or a scholar. She does not send profound messages that are hard to understand or will change the world. The only world they touch and change is mine. She will talk about things going on in my life or the lives of members of our family,. She is here and wants to still be a part of the happenings both negative and positive, that are daily occurrences in the family. Being in touch with her in this way I can believe that she is once again whole and healthy and full of life! My memories of her are as clear today as they were before she died, and in my minds eye, as Maggie shares the messages with me, I can see her and know they are coming from her.

How does this all happen? I wish I could tell you, but I just don't know. It's a mystery to me and a blessing. It's paradoxical. Here I was a strong faith filled catholic woman, who had had the audacity to tell people that the bible held all the answers to our existence, finding out that there is so much more than anyone could believe or imagine. Life wasn't a black or white existence but was filled with a lot of grey areas.

Why were Maggie and I chosen to share in this amazing gift of giving and receiving these messages? I cannot tell you why or even how it happens. It just seemed to evolve and grow as the messages became clearer in their content and meaning. At this point I want you to know that I am not some saint walking around with a halo on my head and neither is Maggie. We are both housewives living normal everyday lives with all the joys and sorrows that come with having a family and children.

We both know the joy of parting the veil and being able to communicate with the other side and being blessed by all that has transpired since that happened. I know, because Annette keeps telling me through Maggie that I am supposed to share this story with others, so they may take comfort from the knowledge that there is more, and that death is not the end. Seriously, this is the crux of her messages.

Maggie and I began a consistent and humorous journey over the next few years and in that time, one of the messages from Annette was that she wanted me to write a book to tell people that their loved ones are very much alive and very aware of them and what they do. That they are still very much present to their families and loved ones and able to know all that happens to them. I put off doing anything for a couple of years but the messages from Annette were insistent. One of them was always the same: When are you going to write my book? She calls it her book, I guess, because it's her story. So I have finally begun the journey of writing my recollections and responses to her messages, and I thought it would be a real struggle. I am not a writer nor would I know how to even begin writing down these encounters with the spirit world, but Annette is one persistent little girl who seems to have more faith in her mother than her mother does. And so, I began the book.

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Inspiration

Once I got started it all seemed to just come with no blood, sweat and tears from me. I didn't have to agonize over what I was writing because it's all from my heart and my being. I just wrote. I know the first draft I made was pretty rough around the edges, but I persisted. It was something I now became passionate about and wanted to complete, whether or not it ever gets published was not important to me, it was the writing of all that happened that was important. Can you believe I have written 64 type written pages in just under three weeks? She was certainly keeping me busy, and it was a very cathartic experience for me.

My contact with Annette is ongoing, and something that gives me comfort and the determination and confidence to do and say the things that I am saying. She is not a figment of my imagination, nor are her messages a psychological need that I have. If this had happened right after she passed I would have said that, yes, this was something I wanted to happen, so I somehow manufactured the circumstances to make it happen. The messages started because a certain little girl wanted to talk to her mommy and let her know that she is okay. I neither anticipated nor expected them. They started on their own and continue on their own.

The wording is such that I could not deny that these messages were real and coming from Annette. The information she gives was something she knew I would know, so I could have no doubt she was who she said she was.

I cannot stress enough the courage of my friend Maggie to begin sharing these messages with me, not knowing if I would accept or reject them. Once again her willingness to put herself out there on the line and share these messages is a testimony to me of her knowing these messages were real and from my child.

The internet is a wonderful tool and because of it Maggie has been able to pass on the messages almost as soon as she gets them. She is the conduit which my daughter is using to contact me and pass on messages of hope and encouragement that this is not all there is, thank God!

Why, you may ask, didn't she come directly to me? I don't know the answer to that question. I would have loved for it to have happened that way, but I realize in hindsight that it has more validity for me coming through the way she does, to someone in another country, who I did not know that well at the time, and who had nothing to gain by passing these messages on to me. I guess in her way she wanted me to be absolutely convinced that the messages were indeed from her. I would venture to say she knows her mother well.

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Mediums

There are so many mediums today who are trying to get this same message of hope across, and people are hungry to hear that message. That is why they will stand in line for hours when they learn that John Edward or someone like him is coming to town. They want to get a ticket to the show in the hope that they will be the one chosen for a reading from a loved one who has crossed over. We have within us this hunger or need to know for sure and think that if we can just get a reading from a famous medium, then we would be at peace. No matter what your background or religious affiliation we all have this built-in yearning to know: Is this all there is? Does it all end with death or is there really something more waiting for us when we die?

I am not famous, neither is Maggie, yet we are getting messages for each other because we are open to the absolute possibility that it can and does happen. Our departed loved ones are waiting to break through to us, to connect with us, to let us know that there certainly is more, that our physical death is just that, our spirit and soul live on. There is no magic formula or ritual for this to happen, just an open heart and spirit. The spirit world is right there and when our spiritual eyes are opened and we can see through the veil that separates us, communication happens.

Why do you think so many people go to see these shows where psychics are appearing? They are hoping to be able to contact a loved one who has crossed over; they want to know for sure that life does indeed continue after death. Oh, not life as we know it here, but life in the spirit.

Getting back to Annette and her messages, as Maggie and I got more and more used to receiving them, my mother and grandmother made an appearance. They, too, began to pass on messages. Maggie calls them the two Aunty Flo's, because they both have the same first name.

This was an awesome time for me. I couldn't believe this was all happening, what an absolutely mind boggling experience it was. My mother and my grandmother are together with my daughter, taking care of her, and knowing she is with my family gives me a sense of peace.

Since Annette's death, both my husbands' parents have passed, so they are there with her as well. As close as I was to them I haven't gotten any messages from them yet. Again I can state with certainty that Annette and both sets of her grandparents are together on the other side and that is a source of great comfort to me.

Ed's mom and I made this pact before she died that she would find a way to get a message to me that she was okay, and to give me a sign of some sort that life goes on after death. She promised if she could she would. Well one day coming into our home after shopping I smelt her perfume so strongly that I stopped in my tracks and asked my husband if he smelt it too? He said, no. He couldn't smell anything. He did believe me when I told him that what I smelled was indeed his mother's perfume. It was a smell you couldn't forget because at the end of her life she would literally douse herself with this perfume. It was like "Pepe Le Pew" (In a good way), from the cartoon, walking around in a cloud, only her cloud was this particular perfume. I know I will never forget that smell. When I told him about the pact I had made with his mom; he wished that he was able to smell it for himself. It was definitely her perfume and was a powerful sign to me that this was her way of responding to the pact we had made prior to her death, that she was in another place and happy. She was never in the house that we live in now, so it couldn't be a lingering scent she had left behind.

Twenty years earlier, when Ed's dad died very suddenly, I spent a week with his mother prior to his funeral, because I didn't want her to be alone. We were sitting in the kitchen drinking Southern Comfort. Anyone who knows me knows I don't drink, but this was an occasion where it was needed by his mom and she wouldn't drink alone. At that time I still smoked, so I went into the garage where dad's car was to smoke a cigarette and I distinctly heard, "Your eyes will be opened". I had no idea what that meant or where it came from, but I never forgot those words. Twenty years later, my eyes were indeed opened to the possibility of so many wonderful things.

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Memories

In her messages to me, Annette is still a young child and her messages reflect that. In my heart and memory she will always be ten years old, never growing old or ageing with the passage of time. She can be pretty profound and sometimes downright cheeky. She reminds me always of the fact that she is still with us and hasn't left us. In fact, that is the one thing for me that is constant in her messages, the sense that she is at peace.

She lets me know me that she is in a beautiful place and is happy. Had she told me that right after her passing I would have been so upset and confused because number one, at that time I didn't believe in this sort of thing happening, and number two, how could she be in a place where she is happy when she was separated from her family that loved her.

Like a child who is so excited to tell you something, once her messages started it was like a champagne bottle that had popped its cork and was bubbling up and spilling out all over, and you couldn't contain it. I guess she had bottled up her messages for the past thirty two years and was impatient to get started. She was letting me know that she was still very much present to me, aware of her family, and what was happening in their lives.

Recently Annette reminded me of the times she and I shared together when she was getting her chemotherapy. In spite of the bad memories and sadness that evoked in me, I couldn't help but smile to myself as she reminded me of one of the times when I was taking her for her chemo at Jersey Shore Hospital in New Jersey. As we were driving there, a song came on the radio that we both loved. I opened the windows and turned the volume up as high as it would go and we both sang the song at the top of our lungs. What people must have thought I didn't care; it was one of those moments that are etched in my brain where we just shared together the joy of the moment. Remembering that time was bitter sweet but also brought a smile to my face.

Another time she and I were in the waiting room at Dr. Krull's office waiting for her to get called to go in for her treatment when we both got a fit of the giggles. We couldn't look at each other with out bursting out laughing and before you knew it I had tears streaming down my face as I laughed uncontrollably with her. I have no idea to this day what set the two of us off, but if you had heard us you would have thought we were both a little crazy. Here we were sitting in the oncologist waiting room, with people waiting to get their chemo treatments and laughing! I cherish these memories and many others that we shared together, and I thank her for reminding me of them. In all the hustle and bustle of living we tend to forget the good times that happen so spontaneously and bring a moment of sunshine and joy to our very being. She always seems to remember the good times and not the bad; it seems that it's important to her to remind me also of those good times.

****

Siblings

In her messages Annette also shows great love and concern for her siblings. She has two sisters and a brother. Her youngest sister was born two years after she died so she never knew her sister Annette, but she was and is the spitting image of her sister when she was younger. My husband and I have even gone so far as to disagree on who is in pictures we have because the two of them were identical as young children.

Our son was also very close to Annette and I know he has told me that he has had visits from her in his dreams and still talks to her. Our eldest living daughter, who was also very close to Annette, has a hard time even to this day talking about her sister. I think because she and Annette were so close and shared a bedroom together during Annette's illness. I am convinced that they talked about many things. I know now although it didn't dawn on me at the time, that Annette knew she was dying because she trusted her sister to give us her necklace with the medal of the Holy Family on it, and her stuffed dog Sleepy, which she wanted to be buried with. She also gave her a picture she had drawn of what she wanted on her headstone, a drawing of two crosses one in each corner, a dove with the olive branch in its mouth and the words "God is Love" at the bottom. Elaine told us that Annette had asked her to give us this paper along with her medal and her stuffed animal. She said that Annette told her if she didn't give these items to us after she died she would come back and haunt her. Can you imagine how traumatic that must have been for her at eight years old, being told by her older sister that when she died she wanted her to give us these things that were special to her? She has never shared with us any of the conversations they had but I am sure Annette told her she was dying.

Our youngest daughter on the other hand has always said that she has felt Annette's presence around her and feels as if she knew her. Annette sent many messages for her younger sister when she was going through her divorce, and so much of what she said came true. It was amazing to us to realize that she knew what was going on and warned us about certain things before they happened.

When our daughter Barbara was going through her divorce from her first husband, Annette told me that Barbara's ex mother in law was going to take her to court for visitation rights. She said they would not be awarded her, and that she would change the truth around, and tell lies under oath, which she did. She shared many other things that were to happen during the course of those divorce proceedings and was right on with every one of them. It was messages like these that helped convince me that it was indeed Annette speaking through this medium in England, it was evidence that she not only knew what was happening in our lives but also could tell us things she had no way of knowing. I understand how this all must sound to the average person who has never experienced any of these type of encounters, but it is all true, all happening and all life changing. Annette is still very much a part of our family and she lets me know without a shadow of a doubt that she is aware of what is going on in our family, good, bad or indifferent.

****

Annette Through the Years

Annette's Baptism Jan. 1965

Annette with her dad in England, 1965

When we were stationed in Germany, 1965

Mommy and Annette 1967

Another picture of Annette in 1967

Annette and Elaine 1967

Her Birthday December 1969

Annette, Elaine, and Edward 1970

Annette 1st Communion 1971

Annette posing for photographer 1973

Fathers Day June 1974

(Three months after she was released from the hospital.)

Annette with siblings & cousins1974

Last picture taken of Annette, Jan. 1975

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More and Still More.........

It sounds so redundant to keep saying that I am receiving messages from my daughter who died in 1975, and that these messages have been coming through a medium in England, since 2007. But that's the God's honest truth. For some people, this will sound like the ranting of a mother who wants this to happen and is crazy enough to believe that it is. But, if you think about it, if I did know how to make it happen, I could be a very rich woman. Why would I ever want to open myself up to ridicule and disbelief if it weren't true? Then there is Maggie. How did I ever convince her to be a part of all of this? Truth is I didn't. She is the one who contacted me with this information after the card reading she gave me when I came back to the states and it has progressed from there.

Does she imagine these things happening to her? If she does how is she so consistently, "right on the nose" with the information she gives me? You have to remember that I only met Maggie once and that was only for a few short hours. We certainly did not talk in depth about my life or the tragedy of Annette's illness and subsequent death. She didn't learn about Annette and her passing until much later on after my return to the states. I believe that Annette has been waiting all this time to find the perfect person, someone not emotionally involved with my family, with the courage to pass her messages on. Her very first message was one that I will never forget. Maggie sent me the e-mail and was very hesitant about sharing what she saw because she didn't want to upset me. She said this young girl had came to her and asked her to contact her mommy and pass on messages to her. So that I would know who it was, Maggie described this young girl and the clothes she was wearing. I almost flipped out! Maggie describes this in her sharing at the end of the book but I share it here so you can get a taste for what is to come. I can tell you that as her messages became more frequent they were amazing in their content and accuracy of what was happening in my life and the life of my family.

I don't think sharing the actual messages I received from her is the point of this story, other than to say, they were very relevant to all that was going on in our lives at this time. The messages themselves would only make sense to me. One of the messages I received from her I will share with you because I want you to see and know her sense of humor. Maggie said she had had a visit from Annette and she gave her this message about fruitcake. Maggie had no idea what she was referring to, so she e-mailed me and asked me if it made any sense to me. She asked me if maybe Annette was referring to the fact that I liked fruitcake. No, the exact opposite was true, I hated the stuff.

I chuckled to myself when I read her message because it brought back the memory of when Annette was small and we would run around laughing hysterically at the silliest things and I would say we are all, "As nutty as a piece of fruitcake". An English expression which meant we were acting really stupid and silly, but who cared. She was making me remember another time when we were all happy and together. She then went on to say in her message, "But mommy, you are the icing on top of the cake". That one was a tearjerker if ever there was one. Can you imagine hearing that statement from your child thirty seven years after their death and burial?

In her messages I have noticed that when Maggie talks to me about her mother she uses the English way of spelling "MUM". When she writes about Annette saying that same word, she uses the American version which of course is spelt "MOMMY". What an interesting little tidbit of information that goes to show even more the validity of the messages. I wondered if maybe Maggie knew the differences in the spelling and asked her if she had ever been to the states. She told me she and her family were in the states for a holiday at Disney in Orlando many years ago when her children were little. They are now both in their thirty's, but have not been in the states since then. She is as English as they come, so when I noticed this difference in her spelling and use of the word Mommy in her messages, it was another confirmation for me that they were indeed real. I hadn't asked for a reality check but I guess Annette wanted to make sure once again that I couldn't doubt where the messages were coming from. For a little ten year old she sure was pulling out all the stops to make this connection with me, and make sure I recognized and knew who these messages were coming from.

Another e-mail I received from Maggie which made me chuckle was that Annette asked her to tell me to stop hitting the delete button and to just let the writing come. I could edit it later. How did she know that? I had actually been editing what I had written up to that point, and I was deleting stuff that I thought didn't make any sense, so yes, I was hitting the delete button a lot. As I go back and re-read the things I have written I find it hard to believe that I wrote this at all. What else is there to say? I do not want to keep on saying the same thing over and over again. So, I will take the story back to myself and see where it goes.

****

Opening Yourself to the Spiritual Realm

My involvement with the tarot has grown and become even more involved as time goes on. It feels as if I am on fast forward track and want to learn all that I can as soon as I can. For some reason I have a tremendous hunger to learn and practice the reading of the tarot cards, being a medium and sharing my gifts with as many people as I can.

I mentioned earlier about meeting "Stargazer". She has become a very special and important person in my life as she mentors me and teaches me so much about who and what I am. Through my friendship with her I have joined a tarot meet up group and met some wonderful people. Through spending time with them in discussion and sharing, I feel I am becoming more attuned to the cards and to the spirit, and all that I am shown. It's an adventure into the realm of the unknown; that place within each of us that we keep hidden from the rest of the world. A journey that takes you into the world of the third eye and psychic phenomenon, an opening of my eyes to see things I have never seen before and the amazing insight that it brings.

When you begin to explore the unseen world it can be well worth your while as there are many gifts waiting for you there. Just because we can't see something doesn't mean it doesn't exist, although this is a common way in which people deny the existence of spirit guides, angels, and other unseen helpers in our lives. They even deny the existence of God. If they can't see it then it can't really exist. However, ask anyone who has encountered such spiritual beings if they can attest to the fact that they do indeed exist.

Our breath exists, keeping us alive by breathing in and out, even though we can't see it, it's there. The wind exists too, but we only know this because we feel it on our skin and hear it rustling the leaves on the trees or howling through the skies. Smell and taste exist but cannot be seen or felt yet they are as real as the nose on our faces and the tongues in our mouths. How about hate, envy, jealousy, anxiety? Do they exist or are they also figments of our imagination? All around us and within us are things we can't see feel or touch. We know they are there and as real as the grass and earth beneath our feet, the clouds in the sky, and the sun and moon. What about love and compassion? You can't see them but we all know they exist because we have been the recipient of one or both of them at sometime in our life. You have heard the saying "Seeing is believing". Well, I say to you, he who has not seen and yet believes is the purest form of spirit. One of the blessed ones who doesn't need proof, just the inner knowledge that they are surrounded by things they do not understand, yet move in the light of understanding. It's the age old saying, "I know I know. I just don't know how I know what I know".

What we see and don't see may just be a matter of perspective, like the bird who sees the branch on which she rests, but not the tree the branch grows on, or the person sitting beneath it. And the person beneath the tree may or may not see the beautiful bird, depending on what they are looking at. Still, all of these things, whether seen or not seen by the person or the bird, exist in reality. Some people are just more gifted at accessing that which we cannot see, and are able to express what they see to others. There have always been human beings who have done this, and sadly it is only recently that we have fallen into distrusting the existence of what we cannot see. If we can't see it, touch it, feel it, then it doesn't exist, but it is there just like the air we breathe and the wind that cools us, the sounds that delight us and the smells that bring back memories of good times.

If you have lost touch with the unseen world, all you have to do is try to open your heart to its existence, and it will make itself known. Closing your eyes in meditation and allowing yourself to just be still and feel the peace that is around you, or engaging the unseen through the written word by keeping a journal of all that happens to you, are just two ways to open the door and welcome the possibility of the existence of spirit guides, angels and other unseen helpers back into your life. However you choose to do it, beginning to create a relationship with that which you can't see is a time-honored practice that can greatly enhance your life and open your eyes to see things you have not seen before. Many of the great saints of our time have used the practice of meditation and visualization to reach the inner part of themselves where God or spirit resides.

Once you try this and become aware of your self and your surroundings, your whole life changes, because you begin to see things differently than you did before. There is no longer just black and white but a whole lot of grey area's that were always there. You didn't see them or think about them because you were led to believe that what you were living is how things were. I see and sense a tremendous hunger in people to know where their loved ones are. Is there really a place where you go after death? Is hell real, and the multi million dollar question, "Is there life after death"?

For me I can state with absolute certainty that yes there is. Our earthly existence ends here. We no longer need these bodies that we have, and our life now exists in a more spiritual realm. Are our families waiting for us? I certainly hope so. I would hate to live my life thinking that this is all there is, and that those we have loved here on earth, we will never see again.

If you have ever attended a marriage encounter weekend then you know the two questions you are asked to answer as a way of getting to know who you are, "Why am I here, and what do I hope to gain?" Think about that and try to answer those questions honestly in your journal.

In an early message dated November 8, 2008, Maggie said she saw Annette sitting with her back turned to Lainey and Edward and she was holding a baby in her arms. Maggie went on to say the reason that she had her back to Elaine and Edward was not to ignore them, it was to show Maggie that the baby Annette was holding came before her, so was an older sibling. I asked Maggie why she had called Elaine Lainey and she said that was what Annette called her, and indeed Annette did indeed call her sister Elaine, Lainey, which was her pet name for her when they were growing up.

Maggie then went on to ask me if I had had a miscarriage prior to Annette's birth. I had not told anyone that I had a miscarriage when I was six weeks pregnant prior to having Annette. Only the doctor who had taken care of me knew that. I never shared that information with anyone. Annette wanted me to know that the baby was a girl and was with her. That's pretty powerful for one of her first messages, telling me something that no one else knew. That was one of her first communications that went a long way in convincing me that this was real. How could Maggie possibly know this information, and why did she see Annette holding a baby that was a sibling older than she was, then giving her the pet name she used for her sister. How could anyone say this wasn't true and really happening, especially me.

What a completely cherished moment that was. Nobody knows how many times I wondered about where or what happens to babies who are not carried full term or are stillborn, or worse than that, aborted. What I got from this is that the soul or spirit of every child, whether miscarried, stillborn, or aborted go to this place I will call heaven, their souls journey on and they remain a part of our family.

Another message from Annette early on in our contact was about my younger sister Kris in England. Maggie asked me if I had a sister who had changed her name, as she was getting a first letter K instead of a C in regard to a message about my sister. In fact my sister had changed her name many years ago from Chris with a "C" to Kris with a "K". Maggie had no way of knowing this but Annette would have. She was once again letting me know that she is aware of everything that happens to her family and even though she had crossed over at a young age and it had been many years since she died she was still very much a part of our family. A simple fact like the changing of the spelling of a name was something she knew about and was another important way for her to let me know that she is still connected to her family.

****

Message from Maggie

On November 24th 2008, Annette sent a message thru Maggie which I have typed exactly as Maggie sent it to me, it is as follows: -

"Well mom, what about it?" When are you going to get ME into print?" Yes, she knows you have been thinking about all these messages and you have been asking "Why am I getting them?" There has to be a reason and that reason is to get into print the point and proof that life does go on. Parents never get over the loss of a child BUT they (the children) do see and watch what the family is doing from the other side. They are still connected. The people who have passed before, as well as after them, meet up with them, proof by the messages Annette has sent back to you about the people she never knew! Nor did I, so someone has to be telling me! Annette is serious, yes, she thinks we need to get this written down and sorted out in such a way that we could make it into a book. WOW! I really feel that we are getting these messages for a reason. Could it be that we are meant to help other people?

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Annette Opens the Door

"Annette Opens the Door". I was given those words (from Annette). I guess it's her idea of a title? Well I suppose she's responsible for all the messages, and feels she can give it a title as well.

That's good when you think about it. Annette was responsible for opening the door to the family so the rest of the messages from her and the family could come in---like people coming in to visit through the open front door. When I asked Annette about my original title for the book, "What is normal", she came back with this message. Normal is having your family around you, all of your family, and you do. Of course she is right. Our loved ones are always with us and it is totally normal for them to see, hear and be a part of our lives, even though they are in spirit.

That is just a small portion of the messages Maggie has received from Annette over the years. She is a gold mine of information and talks about people she is meeting, where she is, and people are ones she had no way of knowing. At first when she started sending these messages through Maggie, I didn't think too much about the why's and wherefore's of what was taking place. Now I sit and think how absolutely earth shattering it could be for someone reading this to believe what I am saying, and then asking themselves, "Why isn't this happening for me"? "I am just as good as her and my longing to hear from my loved one's is as deep and heartfelt as hers. Why am I not being given this same opportunity to hear from them"?

What can I say that will make any sense to you and help you to realize your loved ones are giving you messages all the time. Oh, maybe not in the way that you want to receive them but messages all the same. Look for the signs, the flickering light bulb, and the sense that you hear someone call your name and no one is there. A feeling that someone just brushed your face or your hand with a feather like touch, or one of your friends saying something to you that brings back a memory of your loved one. A movie that brings you to tears or a song that brings a lump to your throat. Think about these things and why you react with such emotion to them.

When you visit their grave and say a prayer, this brings them so close and guess what, they know you did that and it makes them so happy that you are remembering them. Look for the flowers they liked showing up when you least expect them to, or hearing that song you both liked being sung by your favorite singer, smelling food that reminds you of them, the list goes on and on. I know you want more concrete moments; you'd like to hear their voice speaking to you and to know from them that they are okay.

Annette tells me this is possible, you don't have to go to a psychic to have this happen. It can happen when you least expect it to. One of the reasons that I am writing this is to share those moments that I have had, hearing messages and getting signs from my child. How can I ever share what that means to me? I wait for those messages to come from Maggie and the ones that I get myself as I am beginning to recognize what they are and the signs and symbols that Annette uses to let me know it is her. She will often make reference to things that are currently going on in my life and the lives of her family. I know in my heart that this is all happening but it's hard to make that transition into the head and the understanding. I believe that I finally understand the statement that the longest journey we will ever make in this lifetime is the 12 inches from the heart to the head and back again.

What then is the message of this book and what is it that Annette wants me to share? Her message is that death is not the end and that our consciousness continues on and is capable of being able to connect with loved ones through mediums and psychics who are gifted and open to being messengers, this is the message she wants me to be courageous enough to share in this book. I can talk till I'm blue in the face about what is happening to me and the wonderful gift that her messages are to me, but is that why? Are the questions I ask myself in the darkness of my bedroom when I am trying to go to sleep, the head trying to get into the heart? Annette has consistently made the statement that death is not the end and as a Christian that is what I believe, but it goes so much further than that. We die and our soul lives on, every Christian faith believes that, so if our soul and spirit lives on where are they? Is the idea of them being able to connect to their families so outlandish a thought? The difficulty, as I see it, is we are thinking with our human minds and not able to transcend the human image and think in the soul or spirit. We still think of our loved ones as being in human form and that prevents us from grasping the spiritual aspect of their existence in the spiritual plane. This is where they are, and if you like to call this place heaven, that's fine. Whatever helps you to stay connected to them is what matters and if that is calling the place where they are heaven then that's what is important to you, not the name you call it by. Wow! Annette just said, "Good job mommy". Well, I can only write what I am given and my guides and Annette are doing a great job of getting me to understand so much more of why we are here.

****

Reincarnation

Here we are back to reincarnation and the hope of being here again to grow and gain more wisdom and insight, until we have reached the point where we don't need to come back anymore. Spirit guides, angels, and other unseen helpers, do they really exist? Ask yourself how many times you have had a thought about something and said "Now where did that come from?" I'll give you three guesses. It's comforting to have this awareness that our life here on earth is not the end of our existence. Oh, maybe the end of this existence as we know it, but not the end. I know you may be thinking who would want to come back here again and again? One lifetime here was enough, and after all that I have been through in this lifetime, I can agree with that statement, and hope this is my last return trip for awhile. I will hopefully get to participate in the decision as to when I am coming back, and as the Dali Llama stated, hopefully, not for a few hundred years.

I am wondering if because I am hearing from Annette does that mean she hasn't come back again, or can they be in two places at once? It has been thirty seven years since Annette passed. Those years have felt like a lifetime to me, but for her, I am sure it's just the blink of an eye. I have found some of her early messages and have decided to include some of them so you can get an idea of how this all started. Annette keeps asking me to tell the whole story and so I am trying to do just that.

Fortunately for me I am beginning to finally understand why I am here, and what I hope to gain. It's to grow in wisdom, patience, understanding, compassion, love and strength. I know I have said before that we return to this plane of existence time and time again, and most of you probably say, why on earth would I want to come back here? If you had the choice you would stay wherever it is your soul goes when your physical body dies, but that's not really true. Eventually you realize that you have to come back and finish the journey that you started the first time you came into this world and it might be 5-10-20-50-100 years later when you return again. As the Dali Llama stated it could be hundreds of years between each lifetime. It's an ongoing journey; one that is not complete until you have reached perfection or have learned all the lessons and wisdom there is for you to learn. It is learning to live our lives by the seven virtues, peace, patience, love, kindness, forgiveness, lack of envy, lack of jealousy.

Look at it this way; your physical body is not housing your spirit, your spirit inhabits your physical body. I don't have all the answers nor do I profess to know all things but I do know that it will all be made clear to us at some point. Many people ask why do children have to die when they haven't had the chance to live their lives. It's not a completely satisfactory answer but I have come to accept that Annette had completed her lifetime and learned whatever it was she had to learn and accomplish in this incarnation. I know in her short life she touched so many people with her faith and acceptance of what was happening to her. I know she taught me so much about love and patience and understanding. She also taught me about faith, not religion, but faith, and that death isn't the end but the beginning of a new life. Her messages to us before she died, and more importantly the ones we have received since she died, are proof positive that she is still around and as much a part of this family as we allow her to be.

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Filling in the Gaps

In writing this I began thinking a lot about the pediatric nursing instructor who had asked me all those years ago to write Annette's story for her to share with other parents. It got me thinking a lot about her and wondering what had happened to her. I decided to try and find her. I looked like I may have located her living in New York State, and wrote to her, to see if she is the right person, and if she remembered us at all. Well tonight the phone rang and a voice from the past said, "This is the real Denise Finnerty Clarke". You could have knocked me down with a feather!

She had received my card to her that morning and was delighted to hear from me, after all this time. What a wonderful person she is, and in talking to her, it was obvious how much she had cared for our daughter. It was wonderful to talk to her but sad at the same time as all the memories she evoked of when Annette was in the hospital came flooding back. I remembered how she would take special care of Annette and was truly interested in her even though at the time she was only nine years old.

She said her husband remembered Annette as well because she used to call him apple jack because his initials were A.J.

After Annette was released from the hospital I remember taking her to the church where Denise and AJ were getting married so she could see their wedding. This was in August 1974. She was released from St Vincent's Hospital in New York City in March, and was only home a few months. We also talked about the doctor who had performed both surgeries on Annette, Dr. Rongetti, who sadly died before Denise's wedding. She told me how he loved Annette and how special she was to him. She also told me she had seen him with many other patients and even though he was caring and concerned, he acted differently with Annette.

I asked her if she would be willing to write down her memories of Annette and she said she would. I couldn't wait to read what she writes for me. I am sure her memories will be a little different than mine. She told me that when Annette was in the hospital she would ask her to rate the student nurses and Annette would tell her how they could improve their care of patients, something I didn't know.

She also told me that Annette touched so many people's lives that even after they learned of her death, the nursing staff at St Vincent's Hospital still talked about her and how special she was.

I just realized that for me this is another area of closure. I never got to thank Denise for all her help and kindness to us during Annette's hospital stay and I was able to do that tonight. Even if it is thirty seven years later, it is just as heartfelt and meaningful as when these events took place. I do hope Annette is aware of this momentous happening. I am wondering what will happen next; what other doors need to be opened so that healing can take place.

Here's what Denise wrote:

Denise Finnerty Clarke.- August 15, 2012

In January 1974, I met an angel named Annette Brakowski. At the time I was an instructor of Pediatrics at Saint Vincent's School of Nursing in New York City. Annette's Aunt had called me for advice on finding a respected Head and Neck Doctor. She said her niece Annette was having trouble with her ear.

I recommended Dr. Rongetti, and in the early hours on New Years Day of 1974 he examined her in the emergency room at St Vincent's Hospital and ordered tests. Annette was then admitted to St Vincent's Pediatric unit where she stayed for 3 months and had two surgeries. Annette was full of life and was very brave. From their first encounter Annette and Doctor Rongetti immediately formed a wonderful bond and became very good friends. I would see Annette every day and we also became very good friends. Annette always wanted to be helpful and be busy. She would frequently help put charts together or fold diapers for the nurses; she spent a lot of her time sitting in the nurse's station and helping where ever she could.

Sadly during her second surgery they found a tumor behind her right ear that revealed Annette had a brain tumor called rabdomyosarcoma that was malignant, and even though Annette did not always have it easy as a result of her surgeries and chemotherapy, she always tried to be brave and strong when talking to others. She would always speak words of encouragement to other patients on the floor and be a little Florence Nightingale.

As a Pediatric instructor, I would frequently assign student nurses to care for her. At the end of the day Annette would "rate" them for me. She told me if they were good, medium or poor. At times I would burst out laughing because of her youthful out look on them as nurses. Without being told Annette would call me Denise if no one else was around, however I was Miss Finnerty if staff or student nurses were present. She knew how to address me without being told and knew the correct protocol.

Another thing I remember about Annette is that when she met my fiancée whose name was A.J; Annette decided she was going to call him Apple Jack because the Apple Jack cereal was popular then, and was something she liked to eat. My husband and I talk about that frequently. Unfortunately time (thirty seven years) has dimmed my memory. However, I know that Annette touched many people's lives in a special way during her brief stay on earth. Annette will always be my "Special Angel".

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Blessed to Reconnect

It has been a blessing to watch all the pieces fall into place, knowing Annette was pulling some cosmic strings to make these things happen while writing this story. What are the odds of being able to locate someone you hadn't seen or spoken to in over thirty seven years, and doing it in the space of four days? One day to locate who you think it might be, and another to write a note and mail it, and then two days later receiving a phone call, and there on the other end of the phone is this person who was so instrumental in helping us through some tough times.

There is a reason this happened. I anticipate more of what is going on and being able to finally put to rest some of the emotions and feelings that have been lying dormant for all these years.

Annette and her determination to have her story told is the catalyst for all that is happening. Her strong wish to have her story told has meant what she has repeatedly said to me time and again, "Please tell the whole story", and that is what I have attempted to do. It may sound disjointed at times and I hop about in the telling, but the essence of who she is shines through the pages like a beacon of hope and encouragement to others going through this same trauma, and to those who have survived it.

I am in no way trying to say or give the impression that Annette was a saint or a religious child. In fact the opposite was true. She was a very normal nine/ten year old child who disliked going to church and attending CCD, and doing homework, she did those things because that's what we told her she had to do. In looking back over her life, especially at the end, even though she had not lived many years, we became aware that somehow she had the maturity and grace of someone much older and wiser. Was this an old soul, someone who had been here many times before, who I can never remember complaining as she was going through her treatments and all that they entailed.

I can state without a shadow of a doubt that my life and the lives of our family have been enriched by knowing her and being part of her short life here on earth. Even through all the sorrow and sadness, her life was meaningful. She showed us how to live our lives in hope and without fear of death. Now we are also sharing in her spiritual life through the messages she is sending to me and the ones she sends us through Maggie.

****

My Friend

Maggie was also the name of my dear friend here in the states who helped me so much the year that Annette was receiving her chemo and got so sick afterwards. I never told her Annette had cancer until the night she was taken out by ambulance after having seizures, but I'm sure she suspected that what was wrong with her was pretty serious. The night that this happened, Feb 10, 1975, Ed was away on a business trip. When I called Maggie and told her what was happening, she came right over and watched Elaine and Edward while I went in the ambulance with Annette to the hospital.

I managed to get hold of Ed to tell him to come home because Annette had taken a turn for the worst and that I had called an ambulance to take her to the hospital. I knew in my heart that this was the end for her, that she wouldn't be coming home again, which proved to be true.

My older sister June flew up from Louisiana to be with us and was with me at the hospital the day that Annette died. She was a source of strength and helped us so much with the initial shock of Annette's death and all that entailed. She had to leave to go back home the day before the funeral, so Maggie took care of all the arrangements for her trip back home, getting her to the airport on time for her flight back to Louisiana. Having to worry about making these arrangements would have overwhelmed me during this time.

She was my rock and my lifeline, sitting with me for weeks at my house after Annette's death and helping me to pick up the pieces of my life and start living my life again. Maggie would come over to the house in the days and weeks following Annette's death and burial and would just sit at the kitchen table and listen to me as I ranted and raved at God, the Doctors, the world, and the injustice of having to watch my child die, and the utter sadness of having to bury my child. Never once did she tell me to be strong or have a stiff upper lip. Contrary to that, she would tell me to go ahead and scream all I wanted to, yell at her if I needed to, vent all I wanted to while she just sat there and listened and when necessary, held me while I sobbed my heart out. She was our youngest daughter Barbara's god mother and confirmation sponsor. Barbara was born twenty months after Annette died. During the months after Annette's death she taught our son Edward how to blow his nose by having him try to blow out a candle blowing air through his nose. She also taught him how to tie his shoelaces on his sneakers. To this day our son remembers these things and the person who took the time to teach him. Her family included our daughter Elaine in their family outing to the Poconos right after the trauma of Annette's burial. It was something that meant a lot to Elaine and I know she needed to be away from all the memories, in another place to help her deal with the death of her sister. Sadly my friend Maggie died, way too young, during an open heart operation, 16 years after Annette's death. I like to believe that she and Annette met up again on the other side and are enjoying one another's company as they did here on earth.

She was Aunt Maggie to all our children and knew more about me than I knew about myself. A truly gifted and blessed friend was sadly missed when she crossed over to the other side.

It's not coincidental that Maggie is the name of the person that Annette chose to be her messenger, the person who would relay her messages to me here in the states. After all her Aunt Maggie was someone she knew and loved dearly when she was alive. Interesting now, as I think about it, is the fact that Messenger was my grand-mother's maiden name, and was also Maggie's mother's maiden name. This is what Maggie in England has become, my messenger from Annette. That is how we met, tracing our family history and finding out we were related. Too many things are happening to be called coincidence.

****

Another Healing

I was more than a little hesitant to share with our daughter Elaine that I was writing this book and what it was about. I was concerned that she would get upset reading it, and be a little put out that I did this. She has never openly talked about Annette's illness and death, unlike her brother, who seemed to quieter and to hold things inside. After I let my husband Ed read what I had written up to this point, he spoke to her on the phone and told her what I was doing and what the book dealt with. He told me she thought it was a great idea that I was writing all this down now that I had the time to do it.

She also told her dad that she had a letter that Annette sent to her when she was in the hospital. She went on to tell him that she kept it in a locked box all these years, and every once in a while she would take it out and look at it. She also shared that if I wanted to, I could use the letter in my book.

Is it another coincidence that I am writing this book and my daughter decides to share this letter with me that she has held onto for thirty seven years? I have to admit when she told us about it, I was deeply moved.

Copy of Original Letter Written to Elaine January 1974:

The letter Annette Wrote Reads as Follows

Dear Elaine,

I feel much better than I did when I was home. I had a lot of needles they hurt. I have a little friend Lydia she is very cute and she is like a monkey she likes me and I like her. Lydia got moved to the nursery but the nurse brings her in to see us. There are two boys in the room with me their names are Nelson and Kevin they are nice Kevin is silly he broke his hip and is in a cast. The one that's replacing Lydia is Wilma she is cute to. I LOVE YOU!

Love, Annette

Since I began writing this book the people contributing to it has grown; first Denise the nurse administrator, who helped take care of Annette, then Maggie the psychic who started the whole magical ball rolling. My husband Ed, who wrote his memories to share in the book, and now Elaine, our eldest living daughter has agreed to write something for the book and has allowed me to use something that is special to her. The letter she kept that Annette sent her in 1974. If this book never gets published, that would be all right, because it is something my children will have to remember and know who and what Annette was in our lives and how, in her short lifetime, she was able to touch so many people and leave such a lasting impression on them.

****

Boldly Forward

I have become bolder in my willingness to tell people that I am writing this book and what it deals with, and I am surprised at the response I have been getting. Most people seem to be open not only to the idea of reincarnation but also to the phenomenon of our loved ones being able to communicate with us after their death. Annette is a constant reminder of the truth of that statement with her messages to me and her eagerness to be remembered not in a somber sad way, but as a living breathing human being who was here for only a short time but who left a lasting impression on those whose lives she touched.

I am also less hesitant to tell people that she is in touch with me now, thirty seven years after her death, and that she is bringing a message of hope and renewal for all those who think that death ends it all, or that once you die, that's it, there is no way that you will ever hear from them again. As I write this book I am at once surprised and elated to discover the number of people that are interested in its topic and the story it unfolds.

I have read this expression on memorial cards so many times at wakes and funerals,

" We will meet again" or "I will meet you again on the other side, where I will be waiting for you". You may have asked yourself the question, the other side of where, just how and where will we meet again?

Be assured that our loved ones have crossed over to another realm, another dimension, and it is as close as the hair on your head or the skin on your body. You just can't see it with the human eye, and as human beings we need to see, touch, feel, smell, taste things in order to believe they are real. Is that what the statement in the bible means when it states, "Blessed are they who have not seen and yet believe" the knowledge they are really talking about? How about the knowledge that they are aware of what we do and are still very much connected to our lives. No matter how long they've been gone our loved know and are aware of what goes on in our lives, is that to fantastic to believe?

Yet isn't this what Christianity teaches us? Our dear departed loved ones are right here with us. They have never left us or abandoned us; they are as close to us as our next breath and not waiting around for us in this place we call heaven. How can we meet again if we have never separated? Did you ever stop to think that if there is no reincarnation then heaven or wherever the spirit and soul goes after death, must be pretty full by now and overcrowded? Even if you believe that the world has only been in existence for approximately ten thousand years, an awful lot of people have died in that time, Can you honestly say that you have never wondered that if our soul and spirit survive after death, then where are they? Just exactly where is our soul or spirit? We are taught that our spirit lives on, so my question again is where are they? Is heaven really "up there" or is it right here on earth, as close to us as we can believe, and those special people who can see through the veil are telling us the truth about the other side.

History and science through new technology are teaching us that the world has been around for a lot longer than ten thousand years, maybe millions of years, so all those souls from the beginning of time are either waiting in this holding area called heaven or they have moved on and reincarnated many times over and continue to do so.

I used to believe that they all "went to heaven" wherever heaven is, but as I have come to believe in the past few years, we return again and again to this earthly plane to accomplish and learn more life lessons and to grow in wisdom. With all the new technology that we now have, I have seen pictures of how immense the universe is. It is endless in its scope and beauty and could possibly hold all these millions of souls for eternity, but do you really think that is what is happening? I am not trying to prove a point or change your belief system, just asking the questions. Each person decides for themselves what they believe.

As I continue to receive messages from the other side I know that our loved ones are able to connect with us even though they are in another dimension.

I am convinced that we do come back and live our lives over and over again, but we choose the when, where and how of that return.

****

Have They Returned?

To my knowledge Annette has not made that choice to come back yet. Neither has Maggie's father or my mother and grandmother. If they have, maybe it is a small micro orgasmic part of who they were that returns each time which is why they are able to reconnect with their loved ones so many years after their death. Remember we are spirit and soul when we cross over. I do not understand the distinction between the two, which is why I use both terms, so as not to confuse anyone, especially me. My guides have tried to answer it though in a way that I can understand, and hopefully will help you to understand this wonderful change that happens to us when we die in our physical form and re-emerge in our spiritual body ready for another lifetime.

I was trying to explain to my friend about reincarnation and I came up with this way of describing what I think it must be like. As I've said before, we are spirit and soul and when we die our spirit and soul both go to the spirit world or heaven or where ever it is we go till we are ready for our next reincarnation. It is our spirit that comes back to grow in wisdom and knowledge while our soul and consciousness stays in this heavenly holding room, able to communicate with loved ones even as they go through another life time here.

It is not a separation but a joining of those two parts of who and what we are that makes this possible. Our soul waits for the return of our spirit after each lifetime but is never really separated from the other. It's almost as if they are joined by an invisible cord. Our spirit guides, the guidance we get from the other side, is not a separate or different reality or part of who we are, but many factions or splinters of self.

Like the kaleidoscope of colors in a stained glass window when the sun is streaming through it, shows a blend of all the colors in that window, so it is with us. We remain a part of our soul, a splinter of our soul so to speak but still connected to the whole. Our guides are the essence of all the lifetimes we have experienced. They are filled with all wisdom and knowledge, and they wait to guide us on our journey through each lifetime.

It's hard to convince another person of the reality of what I have just stated but if you have ever had an encounter with your guides and wondered if it was real or just a flaky thing that happened, I can only share with you my belief and that is to listen to that still small voice within, because that's where all truth and wisdom resides. Nine times out of ten, that's God working through your spirit guides to direct you and show you the way to go. Our awareness of who we were in previous lifetimes becomes limited in this lifetime and that is why we forget the details of who we were and what we did before in previous reincarnations. Our spirit and soul never forget, each lifetime is imprinted on our memory banks which is why every once in a while our memories are able to break through with a memory or a reminder of what we were in a previous lifetime. That's why you have the moments of awakening when a smell, sound, taste, place, and person will remind you and you are able to see through the veil to that past life. It's not magic or supernatural; it's just the way it is.

****

Sister Bubble Joy

This came from Maggie on October 10th 2012. Annette wanted her to share this with me. Maggie said she was very insistent that she send this to me right away just the way she showed it to her.

A – Annette

N – Needs

N – Nothing

E – Except

T – To

T – Tell

E – Everybody (her story)

My heart almost jumped out of my chest when I saw her name typed this way in an e-mail from Maggie who had no way of knowing the significance of the way she had typed her name and added the words Annette gave her after each letter. She just said this is how Annette showed it to her and asked her to send it to me exactly as she gave it to her in her mind's eye. She wanted to make sure Maggie did as she asked her to and typed it out as she gave it to her. This was another guidepost to someone in Annette's life whom she had loved and who knew her both before she got sick and afterwards. Sister Joan Bridget or Patti Squires as she is now called, was a sister of St Joseph, and taught in the school attached to the church we belonged to in Bayonne NJ. We became very good friends and she spent a lot of time at our house and was wonderful to our children. She would do exactly this with their names and they loved it. She would sit with them and they would ask her please do my name again and she would write their names on a piece of paper horizontally just like Maggie wrote Annette's name and then next to each letter she would write one word and make a sentence out of it that described them or some attributes they had.

My children called her "Sister Bubble Joy" because she would sing and play her guitar as she sang to them. Our kids truly loved her and thought the world of her because of her bubbly personality and the ability she had of not speaking down to them. She knew Annette very well before and after her illness and when she died she was there supporting us in our grief.

I am saddened to say I lost touch with her when we moved to our new home in south jersey and haven't connected with her again since Annette's wake and funeral. I made the guess that I was supposed to try and find her, and with the internet and friends help I found her living in Jersey City NJ. I knew she was no longer a nun and had left the order about 18 years ago, but I didn't know for sure where she was living. I only knew her real name was Patti Squires. My husband found her address on the internet and I wrote to her hoping that she would remember me and write back. She would now be 77 years old and a lot of time has gone by since we last spoke. I haven't heard back from her, which disappoints me. Maybe she is ill or doesn't remember who I am anymore. I send her white healing light and hope to reconnect with her in another lifetime.

****

Edgar Cayce

In August 2012, we went to Virginia Beach for a one week vacation with our two daughters and their families. My husband and I visited the Edgar Cayce Center and when we got there the lady behind the desk told us that there would be a lecture that day if we were interested. The lecture turned out to be on reincarnation something I was writing about in my book and so was very interested to sit in and listen to a lecture. I was so glad that Ed listened to the lecture with me, because we talked about it afterwards and I do believe he is opening up to the possibility that this is real. The subject matter fit in so well with what I am writing about and once again I can only say that it was meant to be. Up until the day before we went, I wasn't aware that we were going and here we were sitting and listening to this woman talk. It was an enlightening experience and I am glad we were able to hear this talk; it just affirms everything I have been told by Annette and her push for me to write her story.

After returning that evening from our visit to the center I felt even more convinced that I was supposed to write Annette's story and share this amazing journey of hope and renewal with others.

One of the messages I received very strongly while at the center was that the book will be finished when her story is told the way she wants it to be told, and not before. I sensed Annette's presence so strongly while we were there and just knew this was a sacred and holy place, where amazing information and lessons are taught by very gifted teachers.

That evening I decided to ask our youngest daughter if she would do a tarot card reading for me. She said yes, if I would in turn do one for her. She has been reading tarot since she was in college and so had many years of experience under her belt. Me, I was still fairly new to all of this but was more than willing to read for her. We both did readings with tarot cards for one another and she told me that I was right on with my reading for her, as she was with her reading for me. The reading she did for me hit upon the same things I have been hearing in other readings by other people about listening to what the spirit is saying to me and what I am being called to do.

As we sat in the dining room talking and sharing, I looked over our daughter Barbara's shoulder and saw Annette just standing there. Not a ghost or a spirit but an actual person! She didn't say anything but just looked at me and smiled. I told my daughter that her sister was standing there behind her and she said she knew she was, because she could feel her spirit around her. What a blessed moment.

****

How it Works

I want to clarify something which I don't think I have mentioned before. When I receive messages from other people, for instance Maggie's father, it is all done in my mind. I do hear actual voices sometimes but it is more like a series of pictures and words that flash like a movie screen in my mind. I am still learning what the different pictures and signs mean and how I should interpret them when this happens. I believe it is the same for Maggie when she gets messages from Annette or my mother and grandmother.

Let me describe an instance that may clarify this for you. The other day when I was video conferencing with Maggie, she suddenly held her head and asked me if I knew a young girl between the ages of 4-6 years old with shoulder length dirty blond hair, who had died as a result of a head injury she sustained. I sat there stunned and mentioned that I might know who this was but I had to get permission from someone to talk about it to her. I was referring to my sister whose daughter Julie had died that way. Maggie was not only feeling, but seeing and sensing this little girl in her mind. After speaking with my sister and getting her permission, I contacted Maggie and told her the story of how Julie had died at the hands of her step father. She told me that she was just as stunned as I was to get these pictures and sensations of this child. Once again someone Maggie didn't know yet here she was describing a situation she could not have known about. Julie wanted to make sure that I would know right away who was contacting Maggie, because I knew how old she was and what caused her death. She knew I would be familiar with the person that was coming through, and would let her mummy know whatever her message was for her. I never met Julie in this lifetime but find it comforting to know she knows who I am and that she was reaching out to me through Maggie, for her mum.

When I spoke to my sister, I told her what happened. She told me that she had just dreamt about Julie the night before. She said that Julie had died in 1968, at the age of 4 years and 3 months. I hope that Julie is going to start coming through for my sister, who was happy that this had happened and was amazed. Maggie went on to describe Julie to me and I passed this onto my sister, who said that yes, this was her daughter. At the same time Maggie sensed that Julie was with Annette on the other side. I really had a feeling of contentment knowing our girls were together and both of them were with their soul family. My sister was able to know her daughter was at peace and not alone, and how precious, that after all this time, she was letting her mum know she was okay. Maggie saw her skipping about like a typical child of four. To me, this was her way of saying, "I am fine Mummy". Julie was born August 23, 1964 and died November 21, 1968.

One of the latest messages from Maggie was more about my mother and what she had to say about current things going on in my family. Further proof that they do see and know what is going on in our lives as we live them.

From Maggie: Message as you requested. I can't remember everything so hope I'll be reminded as I type. I saw a woman in a pub raising a glass and saying cheers. The glass looked more like a half pint or shandy sort of thing. Got a picture of Lord Nelson, so guess it could be name of the pub rather than someone with the name Nelson. I sensed rather than saw your mum, so thought it was connected to her. If I had to be honest I'd say that she was celebrating something rather than it just being an evening at the pub. Perhaps the Ciren family haven't told you the news yet! Could I suggest you have a little chat with Kris you might have to lean on her a bit! I'm getting a few more pictures but they aren't 100% so I don't want to say the wrong thing.

My reply to Maggie: I talked with my younger sister Kris and she just told me that she is going to become a great grandmother in the New Year. My mother used to go to the Nelson Pub every Saturday night where she would sing, so it seems she knows about the baby and is showing you the celebration, or she's just having me remember the good times when we would all go to the pub on a Saturday night and she would lead the singing and play the maracas and get the joint jumping and singing.

Maggie: Just thought you did say a niece was getting married next year was your mother inviting herself to the 'hen do?' definitely a knees up Mother Brown sort of entertainment rather than a snooty nose in air affair. So perhaps there are 2 parties next year? Sorry I have to ask I haven't had anything in connection with Kris for month's spooky wise and now I keep seeing her face, love you Kris but you know what I mean. What is she up to? Someone said something like treading a bit too near the fine line, no idea. Unless they mean she's doing something that is a bit too near being illegal or dangerous to her health and well being? PUFF! PUFF! PUFF! Okay, so did she smoke and has she now been told to, or has given it up? In at deep end again but has she been told if she doesn't give up smoking or something that her health is in danger with complications? Watch out your mum is on the war path and that only means 1 thing the same as it did when you were kids! Run for the hills!

My answer to Maggie; Kris has a lump in her throat that requires surgery which she is having on the 26th September. They are also going to remove her saliva gland. I asked her if it was cancer and she said she didn't know. Turns out it is cancer and she has started her chemo visits. I would love her to quit smoking but she has to want to do that herself, no amount of talking to her about it will make her want to do it.

Maggie: I tell you what somebody is giving it some verbals in a muffled sort of way, can't make out what is being said but by the tone alone she means business!

Have to ask was your Chris a skinny kid when she was sort of junior school age? Did she have short hair that was straight? Don't know how to explain but could she have a sort of 'look' that said –'butter wouldn't melt in my mouth/I'm a little angel?' When really she could be a 'little madam' but she seemed to get away with anything. If not Chris, does this describe anyone in the family? I keep seeing someone who I think is your mum with this child in front of her, aged about 8-10, and your mum is really giving her a good lecture but the girl just seems to ignore her and let the words just drift over her head'. Think Kris has been ignoring something, but it is time to change!

My answer to Maggie; that's Kris all right, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth as far as our mum was concerned, which is why we always got into trouble because of her. Kris has been dealing with some health issues which she now has to face are pretty serious, see above.

Just looked at typing ---- why am I typing Kris & Chris? Are they the same person? I don't understand?

My answer to Maggie; they are the same person; Kris changed her name from Christine to Kris, many years ago. You had mentioned this in one of your earlier messages. End of message.

I wanted you to see exactly how Maggie sends me the messages. As you can probably figure out, you would have to have known my mum and my family for them to make any sense. As I have said before, they are not earth shattering messages, just communications between a mother and daughter.

****

My Father

So the saga continues. It's been awhile since I heard from Maggie in England but I do not think the messages have ended. The latest message concerns my father, with whom I never had a close relationship. He left my mother when I was just eighteen months old. I was not close to him so it was a surprise to me when he came through to Maggie. She asked me who Tony Tanner was and did the name Amelia mean anything to me? Then she asked me about the name George. Tanner was my maiden name (as Maggie knew), and Tony was the name my mother called my father, even though his given names were Samuel Thomas.

Why is this important? Well here was someone new coming through, my father. Both of the names Maggie mentioned were attached to him. Amelia was one of his mother's middle names and George was his great-grandfather's name on his father's side of the family! Maggie said the name George was from the past maybe two generation back, so that fit right in.

The way he did this was to give Maggie the name of Tony Tanner and the message that he wanted to make amends for all he did. My mother was the only person that called my father Tony. In fact when Ed and I got married I told the registrar that my fathers name was Anthony because whenever my mum spoke of him, she always referred to him as Tony. His actual name was Samuel Thomas. Where my mother got Tony from is anyone's guess.

I asked Maggie where Annette was during the time that she received this message from my father. She said she was just hovering in the background waiting for this to be resolved, as it was important that this was done before she continued with her messages. So what did he want? He wants to make amends (his words not mine) for all he did to us in the past. What a total surprise that one was! Here was my father asking for forgiveness for all he did to us and hoping we can do that, so he can move on. I now can say I forgive him for deserting my mother and leaving her to raise eight children by herself. I want him to move on in his spiritual journey with my blessing.

I thought that the messages had stopped because we hadn't heard from her in a while, but she told Maggie "You don't get rid of me that easily, lol". Then she sent this message to me, "Roses are red ----I love you".

****

" **Do Not Disturb", written by Ed Brakowski**

I asked my husband if he would share some of his memories to be included in the book and following is his contribution reprinted with his permission, November, 2012.

Several months ago, my wife, Sonia, told me she was writing a book about our daughter Annette, who died in Feb. 1975 at the age of 10. She said the book would cover her own recollections about this painful time in our lives, as well her recent experiences with some rather startling psychic phenomena.

As you know by now, from reading her story, she has done a great job and has made it clear, that even for the skeptics out there (like me), that there are many strange and unexplainable phenomena taking place around us every day.

Sonia asked me to share some of my own thoughts and feelings about Annette. As anyone who has ever lost a child knows, you can never imagine the pain and devastation. Yes, as time goes by, you learn to live with the pain. No, I no longer think about her every day the way I did in the beginning. Of course I always remember her on those key events, like her birthday, holidays and most of all, on the anniversary of her death, February 20, 1975. We don't go to the cemetery where she is buried very often, but when we do, I still wind up sobbing. The pain of loss comes rushing back and it hurts....it hurts like hell!

What about all the other memories? What happened to them? Well, for me, as time went by, I believe I unconsciously tucked them away in a dark corner of my mind and then hung a sign on them that said," Do Not Disturb". Well, guess what? As I read what Sonia had written, down came the "Do Not Disturb" sign and out came rushing all the memories, stirred by the details of Annette's fight with cancer.

There's no need for me to repeat what Sonia has already covered. I would; however, like to share about some of my own personal feelings. I will never forget the phone call I got from Sonia, after Dr. Rongetti told her Annette had cancer. Over her hysterical voice, I could barely make out the words. WHAT! She has cancer? Oh my God, no...no...it can't be true. I'm leaving now; I'll be there as soon as I can.

To this day, I don't know how I drove from work in Union, NJ, to the hospital in New York City, without having an accident. My tears were uncontrollable and I kept pounding the steering wheel. BAM, BAM, BAM...NO it can't be true! Why...oh my God, why?

When I finally got there, all we could do was hold each other, cling to each other and know that from now on, our lives would never be the same. I tried to be brave, to be the "rock" but at that point in time, I didn't know how I would ever function as a normal human being again.

During Annette's initial three month hospitalization, my employer, Airco Welding Products, was incredibly supportive. I can't even remember how much time I took off, but suffice it to say, it was a lot. But eventually when Annette came home, my work schedule (and travel) went back to "normal". That left Sonia with the daily burden of doctors, chemo and seeing to the needs of a nine year old child with brain cancer. Somehow, someway, you try your best to get your life back on track. There were the other children to be concerned about. Life doesn't stop, for anybody or anything! In September of 1974, Annette actually went back to school. She was tolerating her chemo and it seemed like she was doing better than expected. We had a wonderful 10th Birthday Party for Annette and a great Christmas in our new home. Maybe, just maybe, there was a miracle on the horizon.

Well, of course, there was no miracle, and as Sonia wrote, a few weeks later in early February, she had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital. I was in Pittsburgh on business and yet, AGAIN, had to get the news by phone and couldn't even get home right away.

The next day, when we realized that she probably wouldn't be coming home again, I swore to myself that, when she did die, I would be there. For the next ten days, I spent as much time as I could at the hospital. I was determined I would be there, I had to be there! She was in a coma and unresponsive. All anyone could do was sit at her side, hold her hand and pray for a miracle. At about 2:00 AM in the morning on the day she died, I was sitting at her side, when she suddenly sat up, and looking straight ahead, she said, "I'm so happy, I could jump for joy". I was shocked. How could this be? I didn't know then and I don't know now. Did she see across the abyss to the other side or was she just having flashbacks to happier memories? I believed then, and still do, that she saw where she was going and wanted us to know she would be OK. Of course, as fate would have it, I left the hospital to go home for a fast nap and shortly after I left, I got the dreaded phone call that Annette had died. Why God didn't want me there, I don't know. To this day, I feel so bad that I wasn't there and that Sonia had to endure all these life changing experiences without me by her side.

Sonia has already shared some of the horrendous things that happened regarding her funeral arrangements. All I can remember is feeling like I was in a fog. None of it seemed real. The wake. The funeral. The burial. I felt like a robot going through the motions. Get dressed, stand here, get in the car, do this, go there.......

So there it is, the "Do not disturb sign" came down. The memories and emotions came out, and in an odd sort of way, it was both a painful but, at the same time, a good thing to do.

Now, I'll fast forward to 2012. We're now living in Delaware and our little girl has been gone for over thirty seven years. As detailed in her story, Sonia is receiving messages from Annette through a medium named Maggie. In addition, on her own, Sonia is having some psychic experiences, seeing people who have passed and is talking about reincarnation. I can tell you that I have always been a skeptic and even just a few years ago, I would have dismissed all this "stuff" as nonsense. My conservative Catholic upbringing wouldn't allow it. But, in the last ten years, I have tried to be more open to other possibilities. I have watched many of John Edward's Crossing Over episodes and even went with Sonia to see him in person. But I was still skeptical. It could all, in my mind, still be nothing more than a show. I guess you could say I was still open to the possibility, but not convinced.

Then along comes Maggie! Oh boy, how do I explain that one? She lives over three thousand miles away, had never met Annette, but is telling Sonia things that she could not possibly know. Then there's Sonia's own experiences she has shared with you. Again, seeing and sharing things with people, she barely knows, about people who have passed. You've got to admit, this is pretty amazing stuff.

What about reincarnation? Once again, something I dismissed out of hand in the past but am now open to, if not fully embracing. Sonia mentioned our trip to the Edgar Cayce Center, where we heard a talk on reincarnation. (A coincidence that that was the talk the day we were there? I don't think so.) Well the speaker said something that made a lot of sense to me. She asked, "Is it more likely we have a body that contains a soul or that we have a soul that is eternal and has been a part of numerous lives"? Think about the Bible. If you allow yourself the possibility of accepting reincarnation, how many things in the bible make even more sense? I'm not trying to convince anyone about psychic phenomena, reincarnation or anything else. I can only share what's happened to me. You take it from here.

****

Written by Our Daughter Elaine.

Most of my memories of Annette are not living, fluid moments, but more like snapshots faded with time. I was eight years old when Annette died. I knew she was sick but never thought she wouldn't get better. After all, she had doctors, hospitals, surgeries and they would make her well. I always wonder if I knew she was going to die if I would have been a better sister, a better friend.

My last two memories of Annette are fighting over what show to watch on TV, and then finding her unresponsive in my parent's bed. This was the 70's, and there was no cable, remote controls, DVDs, multiple televisions in the home. We had one TV in the living room and you had to get up and turn the dial to change the channel. Annette and I would excitedly look forward to Saturday mornings, when the few channels that the big antennae on top of our house brought into our home featured cartoons and kid shows. Saturday mornings with Schoolhouse Rock and Tom and Jerry were our weekly treat, along with the occasional after school special. I don't know what day of the week it was or what we each wanted to watch, but we were fighting over what channel to put on and mom got mad. Annette then told us she didn't feel well, so mom moved her into their big bed while I got the TV to myself. After a while I felt bad that we fought, so I went into my parent's bedroom to apologize. Annette's eyes were open but she wouldn't talk to me. At first I thought she was still mad but then I realized something was wrong so I got our mom. Next thing I knew there were people taking her away on a stretcher, family friends were rushing over and she was gone. That is the last time I saw her alive.

After Annette died I would pray to her every night. I'd pretend she was in her twin bed on the other side of the room, and I would tell her things that were important to 8 years olds... things about school, the latest stunt by our annoying little brother, whatever crossed my mind. Even when we moved to another house and I was no longer in a room we shared I still spoke to her every night. I don't know when I stopped talking to her, but eventually with time it just faded, like many of my memories.

I never remember her whining or complaining, though she must have been in pain. I remember her being upset about her hair, and having trouble playing an instrument because of facial paralysis, but I guess I was too young to understand what was happening. She and I treated each other like any other "normal" sisters. We fought, we played, and we shared secrets and dreams for our futures.

The snapshots in my mind are of a happy, smiling big sister who stuck her tongue out of the corner of her mouth when she was working hard on drawing a picture. Annette loved to draw, especially horses, animals, flowers and the things she loved. She was always better than me, and I admired her works of art. We also loved to play Barbie together. Annette got all the coolest Barbie toys: the big camper, the airplane, the convertible. I guess I never really got jealous over how people brought her gifts all the time because she always shared. Annette possessed a great imagination and we would make up scenarios and plots and act out incredible lives through our Barbie and Ken dolls. The cancer may have taken a lot from Annette, but it did not take away her creativity or sense of fun. She was a great sister and my best friend.

Some additional after thoughts from Elaine.

This is what I remember from the day she died.

My brother Ed and I were at a neighbor's house down the block. When we came home, mom and dad took us into their bedroom to tell us Annette had died. I remember being shocked... mom had only just told us the day before that Annette might die, and I hadn't really accepted it yet. Annette had talked about dying with me but I hadn't believed her - I thought she was exaggerating. I do remember her asking me to hold on to her dog and drawing (I don't remember the necklace) and I don't remember her saying anything about haunting me. The only other thing that sticks out in my mind is (my brother) Ed's lack of reaction (I remember being mad he didn't get upset) and there being lots of people in the house. I remember "talking" to Annette that night - I prayed to her every night for a lot of years.

****

Thoughts Shared by Maggie T.

When Sonia first asked me to write my side of Annette's story I wasn't sure about how to go about it. If it hadn't been for a lot of incidents in the past 15 plus years Sonia and I would never have met.

One day I was going through some old folders in the cupboard and for some reason I decided that I'd like to try and do some family research myself. I guess out of curiosity, more than anything else, as I didn't have any idea about any of the family prior to my Grandparents. It was then I found a site on the computer that helped people trace their families and I thought I would see if they could help me. I'm not very good with using a computer and so it was with fingers crossed I sent out several messages and requests. It was several months later that I saw information from someone who seemed to be tracing the same 'named person' as me. The only snag was this person lived in America and to my knowledge I didn't have any relations over there. As far as I knew all my family lived in England and in particular from the Gloucestershire and Wiltshire areas. I decided to send a reply to the lady concerned and that was the start of something very special for both of us.

That lady was Sonia. As we sent messages to each other it became clear that we did have family members in common. I soon found out my mother's family had relations still living very near to them in Gloucestershire that they had no knowledge about. My Grandfather had passed before I was born and my parents and I moved away from the village when I was six, so I didn't know the immediate family that well.

It was the next year that Sonia told me she was coming to England to visit her family and could she come and visit. I was nervous but I really wanted to meet her and her sister. The day they were visiting, my mother came to our house to meet her relations as well. I'll never forget it when Sonia got out of the car it was obvious we were related. But I was in for yet another shock, when they came face to face with my mother they announced "Gosh your mother looks just like our grandmother!'

Sonia had sent me a photograph of their Grandmother and mother and I thought there was a family likeness but they were seeing my mother in the flesh. We spent several hours talking about the families in Gloucestershire and it was during this time that Sonia did ask who the man was stood by the door. As she has explained, we established it was my Grandfather Messenger the family connection. I have never sensed him around the house so it did come as a great shock. Here was someone like me who could see people after they had passed. I didn't make it a habit of telling people I could 'see ghosts' as they often wouldn't believe me or would 'mock'.

It was after Sonia returned to America that in one of 'our conversations' the subject of telling fortunes/reading the cards came up. I happened to say that over the years I'd read cards for my cousin and friends if they asked. As a result of this conversation, Sonia sent her card information to me and in her book has explained what I said to her. I didn't know about Annette then, as I hadn't studied Sonia's family history.

I was embarrassed I'd said to her that I sensed a daughter in the card reading and here was Sonia saying yes but she was no longer here. Talk about wanting to go and hide, as I was sure I'd upset Sonia, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I couldn't even start to understand everything Sonia and her husband must have gone through and I didn't want to bring them any more unhappiness or bad memories.

It was very soon after that that it was obvious 'things' were going to be taken out of both our hands and we were both going to be educated in not only our family history BUT with more proof than we ever thought possible --- that we can receive messages from people who have passed over. I suppose I could say I still wasn't prepared for what was to happen to me starting a few years ago after Sonia's visit to our home in 2007.

One evening I was sat at the computer, then it was a big one in our spare bedroom. Suddenly I felt as though for some reason I had to turn round and face the door. As I did so I got the fright of my life! There leaning on the door handle watching me and smiling sweetly was a little girl. By this time our daughter would be in her twenties and our son a similar age, so there was no way it was them. Anyway they weren't at home! I have no nieces or friends with children of that age, so what was going on? I didn't recognize this little girl. Lovely as she was, what was she doing in our house? She didn't say a thing. She just stood watching me. I guess looking back; she was almost trying to sum me up, to see what she thought. It was after that visit that things started to happen. I had several visits like that where nothing was said or should I say I didn't receive any messages or questions as I hear in my mind what is being said rather than hearing a voice out loud. I still didn't know who she was but I'd accepted that we had a 'child ghost' suddenly appearing in our house.

In the end I gathered all my courage together and thought I had to ask Sonia if she recognised the description of the little girl as she seemed to appear around the time Sonia and I were in contact with one another. That first message and Sonia's reply was the beginning of our journey and connections with Annette. We are back to the point where Annette connected Sonia, her mother, and I. Looking back it seems obvious that Annette had plans we should meet, as she had even greater plans she wanted us to carry out.

Slowly over many months, Annette visited me regularly, and each time she'd give me a little bit more information. By this time I got used to 'my little visitor' and looked forward to 'seeing' her. In saying that, I still worried every time I had to relay the information to Sonia. Some of it I felt was very personal to her and her husband. If what I said was correct would it help or upset them? If I was incorrect why was I receiving the information and who was it really for? Sonia had asked from the very beginning for me to tell her everything, and so this is what I did.

In the very early days Annette came forward with information that I wasn't sure about but I thought connected to around the time of her illness and her passing. I can still see one picture she showed me of herself. She was in front of me in a pretty lemon coloured dress and white ankle socks that seemed to be trimmed with lace. Okay, so was I seeing her ready to go to a party? Was she celebrating something? I'm sure you can see my predicament. I couldn't cheerfully ask Sonia what they were celebrating as I didn't know what was going on in their family at that time. So I just described what I had seen and asked if the description meant anything to Sonia. Back came a very swift reply along the lines of "That is how we dressed Annette when we buried her". To say my stomach jumped and I felt sick would be putting it very mildly! I had never experienced anything like this. Seeing someone or having them visit was one thing to actually be getting what I felt was personal information to pass on was into an entirely new realm. Anyway it seemed that Annette wasn't in the least little bit worried or nervous – she continued with her visits and messages just how a friend might pop in for a chat and cup of coffee.

It was probably on her next visit that Annette took me into information that was completely out of my comfort zone. She started talking about religion and someone who I understood to be a Catholic Father. Again I didn't know anything about Sonia's family as far as religion was concerned. Unperturbed Annette chatted on. She gave me a name that didn't mean anything to me but I wrote it down so I could send it to Sonia. I can remember thinking "Why are you telling me these things Annette"? It was just as though she was trying my strength to see if I would tell her mother. I'd been brought up to be honest, so again, after taking a very deep breath and sending out a quiet prayer, I pressed the send button to Sonia. I had it in my mind she'd send back that the name didn't mean anything and she didn't know what I was talking about. At least then I'd be let off the hook and wouldn't have upset her. I nervously checked my e-mails the next day and there was a reply from Sonia. With fingers crossed I opened the message. There was her reply including some personal family information. The name did mean something to her. The name referred to the Catholic Father who had confirmed Annette just before she passed away. To say you could have knocked me down with a feather, would be putting it very mildly. This information was getting very personal and could I really deal with it.

Over the next months Annette continued with her visits and information. During this time I also seemed to be getting information and 'pictures' of other people. Sending the information to Sonia and getting her replies it became clear that Sonia's mother and grandmother were visiting me. I got used to knowing when I saw 'these people' that I was supposed to tell Sonia that 'her family' had visited.

Very often they'd just drop in for a few minutes and give me a snippet of information. It could be something very simple like a reference to cooking a meal or a song. This however would be enough for Sonia to comment that she'd been doing it or heard it or it meant something special to her family. It's true what they say a mother's love and care never ends even if they have to find different ways of sending that care. Annette, I found out later, very sadly passed at a very early age. Nevertheless that doesn't stop her from passing on messages and telling her mother about things that have happened since then. She also seems every so often to send a message to remind her mother of things they did together. At times I do find this very difficult as I live in England and Sonia and her family now live in America, so I have no idea about things they have. Even the food and what they call things is probably different. In England we say mummy or mother. Very quickly I had to get used to Annette saying mommy. Only a slight difference in spelling but one I am sure would make a whole world of difference to someone receiving a message. As I type this now I hear Annette say, "Yes, it's mommy with an O, get it right"!

Annette is a very determined young lady who will have things done her way and to her specifications and it doesn't matter what she has to do to get it. She can come over as 'bossy' when something hasn't been done how she wants it to. She also likes to keep her mother on her toes, if Annette has passed a message on and Sonia doesn't seem to be responding to it, Annette will do a reminder or ask why something hasn't been done. This can be difficult as I'm in England, so I don't know what Sonia has or hasn't been doing. There could be a good reason why she hasn't done something.

Our messages had been going on for a while when I received one from Annette that I didn't know how Sonia would react to. Annette had made it clear she wanted her messages and what was happening to us to be written down. After all, sending messages to her mother was one thing; to ask for these personal messages to be available for anyone to see was something very different. So, again I passed the message on to Sonia. Her reply, well she'd already written down some of her feelings about Annette but that was several years before. Annette made it clear she meant she wanted the messages that she'd been sending to her mother now to be written down.

As I said before what Annette wants, Annette keeps on requesting until she gets! I can remember one message where she asked why her mother hadn't been doing any writing. How did she know that? I didn't know. I could imagine that it took some thinking about on Sonia's part about did she want to do it. If she did want to write this information down 'how' was she going to do it? Yes, Sonia decided that she did want to write the information down and there was the beginning of Annette's book that we have today. I never know what Annette is going to say or do when she visits. Sometimes she just stands quietly and watches me. At other time she'll pass on messages or ask questions. One thing that is always the same is her lovely pleasant face, very often with a cheeky grin or smile. That was one thing that struck me about Annette right from the first time I saw her. I learnt from Sonia how old she was but I sensed she was a young head on old shoulders. In other words she was very grown up for her years. I'm sure she'd have been able to look after herself in any argument but at the same time she would have been very kind and understanding.

There are times when it isn't Annette who visits and passes on messages but Sonia's mother or grandmother. I call them my two Auntie Flo's because they both have the same first name. When they visit I get different messages and pictures. I'm sure they mix with Annette but they don't seem to visit at the same time. The Auntie Flo's will sit on our settee and pass on messages and they don't seem to move. Annette on the other hand visited me upstairs when I used our big computer up there. She'd swing on the door, her chin resting on her arm on the door handle. In other words, she was behind me, but I could always sense she was stood there and I'd look round and make contact with her.

Then about a year ago I got a lap top that I use on our dining table. This room is a slightly different shape with one door just slightly behind me to the right and another sliding door to my right that leads into the living room. Again Annette always seems to come to the door slightly behind me but she seems to be a little bit more adventurous and will come and stand almost by my side. I have sensed several times that when I am sending a message to Sonia, Annette is stood there reading what I'm writing. I wonder if she then visits Sonia when she receives it.

I like doing cross stitch pictures and sew them to relax. A couple of years ago I was attracted to a small picture of a little girl angel with some flowers. As the picture slowly started to take shape I realized, on a regular basis, every time I stitched a stitch, the real face of Annette took the place of the angel in the picture. I continued stitching and when it was finished, I posted it off just hoping Sonia would like it. I felt it drew me closer to Annette but there was no reason to believe it would do the same for her mom and dad. The message I got was that Sonia's husband thought the angel looked just like Annette. So was Annette responsible for me sewing and sending the picture to her mother as a reminder?

Let me interrupt what Maggie wrote, to mention a message Maggie sent me earlier this year. One thing I have noticed is that either Annette is a lot more comfortable in her confidence in sending the messages, or Maggie is more comfortable receiving them and passing them on. Anyway the tone and content continue to make me smile as my daughter constantly challenges me to come out in to the open and use my gifts that are there, and write her book, as she calls it. She wants her message to get out into the public domain and has entrusted me with the task of doing just that.

October 26, 2012, Maggie writes:

Dear Sonia,

Well again someone is pushing me, for some reason I knew I had to check my e-mails and there was yours and your book. (I sent Maggie the first 30 pages that

I typed). After wiping away a few tears and trying hard not to sob my heart out, I think it's beautiful! Annette wasn't at my side (she must be eating the fruit cake somewhere), but it was just as though she was letting me have the first read on my own. I do think she will be here and over there as you proceed.

Maggie:

Here we go – "Miss" has come back from her tea break and is talking ninty to the half dozen! "Do you know my mommy could read the tea leaves if she really tried? Tell her to make some tea and sit on her bottom and try. My mommy doesn't like sitting still. She always has to be doing something."

How about it? I'm sure you'd get some amazing pictures that you would understand. As I re read this I got, "My Nanny told me she could do it if she wanted to, so come on mommy." It's almost like; "My nanny said you could do something now you prove her right or wrong. It's a dare"!

Tell you what Annette, why don't you go and visit mommy while she drinks her tea and then you can show me the pictures she is seeing. That could lead to some interesting information as I'd be able to write down what I was shown via Annette and you could write down what you see.

My reply:

She got that right! Tell her tea comes in tea bags now, not loose like when her nanny was alive, LOL. I find it interesting that you would call my mother Nanny because that's what all her grandkids called her. She died when Annette was only 11 months old, so only Annette would know that.

Maggie:

What does a cottage with, it looks like roses around or over the door, mean to your family? I'll say it's more like an old fashioned country cottage with a garden. Is it a memory of Annette's or yours?

My reply: That picture could be my sister Tricia trying to get through. She called her house, "Rose cottage", and loved all things English. She was proud of her heritage and wasn't afraid to let people know.

Maggie:

With that I got a name that begins with G. It sounds something like "Gerald". It's G and r; it's definitely not George. I was shown a small boy and at the same time a group of other children that I take to be brothers and sisters. Were you quite a bonny little girl with quite thick shoulder length hair or it's pigtails that come to shoulder length? Don't laugh I just got, "Yes she was a cheeky saucy little thing would laugh to see her granny's behind, (won't put what they said), on fire! Now that's the sort of thing my dad would say, so don't know if I'm getting his opinion of you, or, if someone in your family had the same sayings. Any ideas?

My reply:

Gerald is my brother, and there were eight of us all together. Yep, you described me right down to the pigtails. My hair was thick and I hated it every morning when my mother would brush it and plait it for school. That must be your dad saying that to let you know he knows me, because I have never heard that expression before.

Maggie:

You have to make it clear in the writing that Annette is still a fun loving and happy child and likes nothing more than having a joke or a bit of fun with me. There's no way that she's sad, and she wants everyone to know she's very much alive.

Here's your answer to the question you asked Annette. (I had asked Maggie if it was possible to ask Annette if she liked the title I had thought of for the book, "What is normal"). Her reply was, "Normal is to have your family around you, and you do, just some of them are able to flit about and visit you and other family members a bit quicker than you can"! At that Annette laughed out loud, we had a huge giggle and she poked her tongue out! Well you did ask! She finds it highly amusing that you have to pack and book tickets to come and visit Kris and your family in England and Annette can visit you and me almost at the same time. She can have both sides of the conversation and our reactions first hand. She's a right little madam who is going to have written what she wants. Watch your messages don't go missing if she doesn't like something! In other words print everything to make sure you have a copy!

Do you know I've just had a quick flash of Auntie Flo, your mum, so guess she is watching Annette, not that she needs watching. She'll do what she wants and believe me she's far too quick for your mum!

"Come on then mommy, when are you coming over to England to visit Maggie and I can see you both together?" I sense if we did she'd lead us both a merry dance, you'd never get the notes down quick enough. Love to everyone Maggie.

****

The Messages End

I am beginning to acknowledge sadly that for now, the messages might have ended, because Annette's story is written down on paper and just about ready to go to print. I was hoping for one last message from her, but realize that I cannot place demands on her or ask for things that are not necessary for this story to be told. Suffice it to say her message of hope and continuity is one of such importance to her and to those people who will read this book, that just getting that message out is enough.

My attempt at writing has been one of discovery and growth for me. One in which I have been blessed to have been given the gift of being able to listen and hear a profound and enlightening message from the other side, given by a little girl who wants the world to know the she needed nothing from this project, except to affirm for everyone that our physical death isn't the end.

It took a lot of energy for her to break through to Maggie and use her as the conduit for her messages, so her story could be told. I have done as she asked and told the whole story with all its ups and downs, its sadness and its sorrows. Along with that though is the absolute joy and happiness that is so obvious and comforting, about where she is and who she is with, her soul family.

I did try to contact her one last time and ask her if she had any last thoughts with which to end the story and bring it to a close. She gave me these words, "O death, where is thy sting". I knew it was a quote from the bible because I had been fortunate enough to have taught the bible in a study group for many years and had read it through a couple of times. I looked up the quote she gave me to see if I was right and there it was in 1 Corinthians chapter 15 v. 55. "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?" There is no sorrow in death, and the grave isn't the end. We mourn the loss of our families and friends because we miss their physical presence in our lives, and that is what makes us sad.

The good news is that they have gone on to a better place and will return when they sense it's the right time for them to do that. For me, this just about sums it all up. I have tried to tell Annette's story as truthfully as I can. The message has been given, and because of that, my life will never be the same. It is a transforming message, one that bears more weight coming from a ten year old little girl. A little girl who has wisdom beyond her years who wanted to make sure her family knew that indeed we will meet again, and again, and again.

###

Picture Annette drew when she was in the hospital, 1974

Acknowledgements

I dedicate this book to the following people but most especially to our daughter

Annette, whose messages from the other side, is the reason for this book.

Also to our three children still here, Elaine, Edward and Barbara.

My husband Ed, for sharing his memories of a sad time in his life,

and for all his help in getting this book ready for publication.

Elaine, our daughter, who shared her thoughts and memories of her sister,

as well as the letter she received from Annette,

Maggie, who courageously shared the messages she received from Annette.

Denise Finnerty Clark R.N. who shared her memories of Annette for the book.

Judi Thomases, my mentor and friend, who encouraged me to own my gifts.

****

About the Author

I was born in the back bedroom of my mother's house in the town of Cirencester, England. I was the ninth child that my mother had given birth to, and I was born with a caul or veil over my face according to my sister June, who was 14 years older than I, and present at my birth. A caul (or veil) is a thin layer of skin that covers the face and is removed at birth. I was told that my father kept it and carried it on his person, he was a sailor, and folk lore said that if a sailor carried one of these he would never drown at sea. It wasn't until I was much older that I did some research and found out that children born with this particular phenomenon are said to be very psychic and intuitive.

I met my husband Ed while he was stationed at an American air base close to my home town of Cirencester, and during that first meeting he told me he was going to marry me. Did he know something I didn't, or was it love at first sight for him, a certain something (intuition) that told him I was his soul mate as he is mine? We were married in England, had our first child Annette in December 1964, and moved to Germany in August 1965. After spending some time living in Germany, I came to the states to live. I had never met my husbands parents before so when I arrived in the USA on March 26th, 1966, and was driven to my in laws home in Bayonne, New Jersey, it was the first time I got to see them and speak to them in person. My anxiety levels were high as I wondered if they would like me, someone from another country and faith, married to their only son. Annette was their first grandchild, so naturally they were excited and anxious to see her and meet her for the first time, and having her there was a great ice breaker. Children tend to do that; they can make adults forget themselves and respond to the child who has none of the inhibitions that we as adults have, they just are themselves. Of course I needn't have worried; they were very welcoming to me and tried to make me feel right at home.

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Addendum

Following is some additional background on my family that I believe is pertinent to the story

My grandmother is on the left, my mother on the right. 1963

On November 8th 1965, four months prior to my move to the states, the woman I called mother, sister, friend, companion, and protector, died of cancer, she was 55 years old. It wasn't an easy time for me at age 21, here I was moving to the United States, 3,000 miles away from my family and friends in England, and not having a mom or any family members around to talk to, but that is what I did.

I did not have a particularly religious upbringing; we didn't go to church every Sunday, only at Easter and Christmas. My mother believed in God and made sure we knew about not so much formal religion, but in living a loving and caring lifestyle, that is, treating others the way we wanted to be treated. She often shared her views with me, especially during the last months of her life, that if there was no God or supreme being, then who put the heavens together and made all this beauty for us to enjoy? She strongly believed that there was more to life than what we experience in the here and now, but never forced us to do or believe in anything other than what we wanted to. She practiced what she preached and expected us to do the same, as a result of her giving us the freedom to be who we were my spirituality was so much more than a bunch of rules and regulations, do's and don'ts.

My mother was the first person to tell me that nothing happens to you without a reason, and that nothing in life is coincidental. She believed that everything that happens to you in this lifetime was for your growth and learning and would eventually be made clear as to why it happened the way it did. Hearing her say that when I was growing up made no sense to me what so ever, but now, as an adult I totally get what she meant. I never really understood her amazing philosophy on life, or how she could be so kind to everyone she met regardless of her feelings towards them. She would help out a neighbor or friend anytime they asked, nothing seemed to be too much trouble for her to do and no matter what she was doing if someone needed help she was the first one to be at their front door offering her help.

I never once heard her say a bad or negative word about anybody, she lived her life in the belief that you treated others the way you wanted them to treat you, and if you didn't have anything good to say then you said nothing at all.

I realized as I grew up and had a family of my own that she was an amazing woman way ahead of her time; I was blessed to have had her for my mother. Even today, after all the years that have passed since she died, when I go back for a visit to England, someone will invariably ask me, "Aren't you Flo Tanner's daughter that went to America"? What a testimony to her and the life she lived, that people still remember her and talk about her fondly after so much time has passed.

My parents separated when I was 18 months old, and divorced when I was 7 years old. My mother worked in a factory slaughter house 6 days a week and raised 8 children by herself as a single parent; she had given birth to a total of ten children, two of my brothers died before I was born.

When my mother died from complications caused by cancer I had this awful feeling that with her death, a major part of my life had ended and that when I went home again, it would never be the same. There is so much I wish I had said to her and so much I wish she could see, but I know now in that innermost part of me where spirit resides, that she does see and knows all that has gone on in my life. Now she encourages me through the messages from Maggie to take this huge leap of faith in the writing of this book. One of her favorite expressions, or sayings to us, when we were kids, was, "Can't means you won't try". So, in remembering those wise words of wisdom, I embarked on this new and intriguing journey into the world of writing.

Thanks mum!

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