

### SET MY SOUL ON FIRE

By

Celia

# .

Smashwords Edition  
Copyright 2012 Celia  
www.celia-romanceauthor.com  
All rights reserved

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopied, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher and copyright owner.

Celia is herby identified as author of this work in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright Designs and Patents Act 1988

This book is published by Wise Owl UK Publishing

All characters in this publication other than those clearly in the public domain are fictitious and any similarity to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

A CIP record for this book is available from the British Library

# .

**Celia** was born and brought up in London, leaving school at fifteen. In childhood, she would visit the local library and wrote her first stories. Married at an early age she devoted herself to her family until her children went to school and she returned to education. As a qualified college lecturer, she taught for many years, but at fifty, she retired due to poor health. This enabled her to begin writing again. She now lives in Lincolnshire with her husband, near her two daughters and five grandchildren.

# CHAPTER ONE

### The Red Sea

_He strolled out of the sea like a Greek god, his silken blond hair catching the rays of the sun, his bronzed body wet, and glistening. Her heart missed a beat as she watched his narrow hips and long muscular legs come striding towards her, tingling prickles clutched deep inside, and she practically climaxed on the spot. He bent over her and their eyes met; he had sea eyes, as green as the ocean behind him. She lay back upon the powdery sand; he kissed the tip of her nose, sank down beside her, and gathered her to him. As his lips swept softly, like butterfly wings, over her closed eyes, she smelt the aroma of salty sea on his skin, felt his hard erection against her belly and lust flared in her loins, and she knew she was his, and he was hers_.

Snapping the book shut, I shook my head. What a load of drivel! This could happen only in a book...or a film. Why was I reading this trash? _Practically climaxed on the spot_ ; yeah, right. _Lust flared in her loins_ ; well, no man has ever given me a hint of lust in my loins, so that would be out for a start. It would be plonk, plonk, bonk. No tender kisses to put me in the mood and give me lust in my loins, or anywhere else.... just a hand plonked on each boob to tell me _he_ was in the mood; turning me off, not on. And I'd be masturbating later to get some satisfaction. Since my divorce, I have found that masturbation is a common hobby amongst married women.

Sighing, I glanced towards the sea, its waves turbulent, foaming, like a rabid dog spitting. I watched as the water wrinkled over the pale scratchy sand. Two pretty young girls about my Chloe's age were giggling as they tried to get into the water. The sea was alive, and you could smell its briny blood each time the frothing, abundant waves crashed on the shore; the girls were timing their entrance carefully, to avoid being knocked over. A couple of old fellows with corrugated stomachs were paddling about at the water's edge, observing them. Dirty old men! Young Dads with smooth round beer guts were digging holes and making sandcastles with their youngsters.

No Greek gods then?

I glanced down at the paperback in my hand. This was definitely a Sharon book. A man who was good-looking, rich, the best of lovers and heroic, sweeping a girl away, probably on a white horse, a sheik, with piercing brown eyes, dressed glamorously in white robes. Oh no! His eyes were green in the story. Well, I was in Egypt; Egyptians have brown eyes, don't they? I sighed again. I shouldn't have come on holiday with my two friends. I'm not like them. Even before Sharon gave me this book, I knew what kind of story it would be. Why did I take it? But that was me; easily talked into things, to the point of reading silly stories now. What a saddo.

I lay back lethargically on my sunbed and gazed up at the blue sky, watching the hypnotic, dappling sunrays above me as the umbrella trimmings shading me swung, playing hide-and-seek with the sky. Maybe Lucy was getting the plonk, plonk, bonk now, and the satisfied snore thirty seconds after. I had no passion, apparently; he had had the nerve to say that. Well, where was his? Now that was a daft question; obviously with Lucy. Seems it had been for two years before I knew - and right under my nose. She was a young illustrator and he was nurturing her; is that what it's called? Worse, I believed him! Memories came flooding back, threatening - not for the first time - to overwhelm me. Anger hissed in my stomach; would I ever lose it? To top it all, _she_ was not much older than Chloe; the thought made me feel sick.

"Where shall we go for dinner tonight?" Chrissie said, cutting into my thoughts.

I sighed yet again; I was always sighing lately. I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself, not trusting myself to answer. I didn't need to answer, they'd decide without me. I didn't care anyhow.

"How about that Italian place, down by the harbour, the one with the dishy waiters?" Sharon giggled, adding "they like blondes."

All men were 'dishy' to Sharon.

"Is that OK with you, Fran?" Chrissie asked.

"Yes, fine," I mumbled, not opening my eyes.

"Listen, Francine Martin, you need to buck up. We won't let you do this to yourself anymore; the whole idea behind this holiday was to go somewhere different and for you to do something new. What have you always wanted to do?" Sharon asked, glaring at me. Well, I knew she was glaring, even though I had my eyes closed. I expect she was exchanging looks with Chrissie too.

"Well?" Sharon yelled, exasperated. "There must have been something before Ben."

My eyes popped open. "I was sixteen when I met him," I spat, "and eighteen when we married. Chloe was on the way in five minutes and I was twenty when I had Joel. Ben and I bought the mag and later, when the kids were both in school, we went into publishing. I was too busy racing about after everyone, doing the marketing and working to midnight to think past that...to think about what _I_ wanted."

Chrissie caught hold of my hand, gently squeezing it. "Well, now's your chance to do something for yourself."

"Oh sorry," I whispered, like a deflating bag. "I told you both I'd be miserable company." Nevertheless, they had nagged me into coming with them and Joel had said, "Mum, it will do you good."

"I don't do miserable," Sharon said. This was true, she was always happy.

I sat up, trying to rally myself, my gaze roaming past her to the azure sea, trying to stop this hatred and hurt burning inside me. People were snorkelling; they looked like dead flies on top of the glassy clear water. I had always wanted to do that! I loved swimming and the sea. I suddenly had an idea. "I've always wanted to scuba dive. You know, with a tank and things. I think I saw an advert in one of the hotels at the harbour. It said to inquire at the reception. Maybe we could find out tonight before dinner?"

"Think of your hair!" Sharon exclaimed in horror. "It will look a fright and the sea water will make it feel like straw. Tell her, Chrissie."

Chrissie is a hairdresser.

I snorted; my hair always looks a fright. I usually drag it all back into a tight bun or a pony tail, like now; it's curly and burgundy red and if I leave it down, it looks like I have a large bird's nest - a nest that's on fire, for hair. "You're not coming then?" I mocked.

"No fear; I don't wear lippy for the fishes."

"How about you, then?" I turned to Chrissie.

She wriggled, looking uncomfortable. I could see her brain zooming, wanting to support me, but then I realised.

"You're frightened," I said quietly.

Chrissie nodded. She had never liked water much, certainly not since we met, when our kids were small. I always took her daughter Karen, who was also Chloe's best friend, and Joel swimming.

"Maybe I could watch from the boat," she answered.

"Mmm, oh well...." I shrugged, then caught Sharon's eye. I should try and motivate myself, do something new _and_ stop being such a drag to my friends; after all, what better place to learn to dive than the Red Sea? "OK, I _will_ do it," I said to Sharon. There are beautiful coral reefs and it's a haven for fish here, isn't it...as long as I don't think about the sharks!

Unfortunately, the Arab diving instructor was not exactly sheik material, who would whisk me away to his tent.... no, palace. He was skinny and old but he had a wicked glimmer in his eyes, spoke perfect English, and flirted outrageously with Sharon.... or the flirting might have been the other way round. To Sharon, every man was a challenge; not much of a challenge that I ever saw; but she decided to come with Chrissie to watch. I'm a hundred per cent certain it was not me she would be checking out; four young men would be diving with me too.

First, though, I had to have an hour's instruction in the pool; so while I was sitting on the bottom of it, removing my mask and drinking half the water in the pool, Sharon and Chrissie were sipping cocktails and giggling in the bar. By the time I'd finished, half the men in the bar were in love with Sharon and keen to join the diving trip. Sharon is a natural blond; well, almost. She has it expensively touched up to cover the grey. She is zany, vibrant and slim and always looks immaculate. Although she is forty-six she looks about thirty-five. She is happily married to Samuel - "Not Sam, far too common, darling!" And has the perfect marriage, or so she says. Samuel works all over the world and Sharon does what she wants, when she wants, even when Samuel is at home! She hasn't worked since she had her twin boys, despite having a degree in foreign languages – something that comes in handy when she has to "flip around all over the world."

"Right, it seems I'm ready," I said nervously to my friends. They drained their cocktails. I felt I needed to drain a double whisky and I hate whisky!

I must have looked as pale as I felt because Chrissie smiled, looking tenderly at me, as if I were her daughter, and said, "You can change your mind, if you want."

"No she doesn't want," Sharon said, grabbing my arm firmly and marching me to the waiting bus. "She will enjoy it because it's a mad thing to do and she needs to go mad. You'll see!"

The bus bumped up and down, rocking along the cratered track, my insides acting like a moon buggy, jumping and doing somersaults each time we hit a hole. I felt I might vomit. Sharon threw me a grin as she chatted merrily with the men. I smiled weakly, trying to join in; I had no option really because I was stuck to her side like a limpet. When we disembarked at the quay, it was all I could do to stop myself from running away; _and_ I might have if my legs hadn't turned to jelly. I was also still glued to Sharon as she pulled me confidently up the gangway with her. It was all right for her, she was just watching. Oh, God please don't let me see any sharks.... or any other creature that might want to eat me. A young boy of about sixteen cast off, looking at me worriedly. I expect he thought I was a ghost.

The old Arab instructor (I'm sure he must have been eighty) told us all to relax - easy for him - as it would take three quarters of an hour to get to the dive site; _is that all_! He told us the boat had glass sides and if we went below, we might see some fish. So, we went down the narrow steps, me on trembling legs. I decided that if I saw a shark, that would be it; my idea or not, _nothing_ would make me get in the water, not even Sharon, unless she got in first. What was the likelihood of that happening?

At first, all I saw was water rushing by. But gradually the boat slowed and lots of small crystal bubbles went twisting past, swirling with colour snared by the sun. Then I saw plants swaying and coral like jewels, yellow and black fish, rainbow fish, and patterned fish that you could not have designed. I felt my interest grow, and the butterflies that flittered in my stomach began to settle. I wanted to be part of this world.

"Here," Chrissie said as the boat anchored, handing me a box. "Prezzie for you."

"What? Now?"

"Yes, open it. It's an underwater camera."

"Wow!" I unwrapped it. I loved taking photos; it was why I joined the local magazine when I was sixteen. I wanted to be a photojournalist. My parents couldn't afford to send me to college so they found a government scheme that allowed me to train while I worked at the magazine.

How sweet Chrissie was and the best friend I could ever have. "I hope it didn't cost you a lot."

"No, it was a cheapy; use it once, then throw it away. They were selling them in the bar. I knew you would like one."

I kissed her cheek and she grinned.

Six of us would be diving and about eight watching.

"Fran," Sharon called. I turned round in my gear, looking like a monster from the deep. CLICK. "If you have to look so disarmingly unattractive, I'll have to record it, for ever," she laughed. She had found my digital camera in my bag.

I stuck out my tongue and she took another photo, twittering about the second shot being even better.

Chrissie said, "You are _so_ brave. Those photos will be among the best mementoes of our holiday."

I hoped so.

Clipping my new underwater camera onto my belt and gritting my teeth, I followed the other divers down the steps to a platform bobbing on the sea. I looked about me for sharks' fins, black killer whales, and long octopus legs creeping over the platform towards me. My imagination was doing overtime. An attractive young man called Omar held both my hands, as he was going to descend with me; I smirked up at Sharon. I think she thought for a moment about joining me!

The silence, except for the sound of my breathing, which mimicked Darth Vader, was eerie for a minute or two, and shoals of fish appeared to come towards me at a frightening speed. I felt myself beginning to panic, but Omar squeezed my hands reassuringly and signalled to me to look straight at him. We hung suspended, floating together like flotsam in the silence, until I felt better. I started taking in my surroundings. It was like being in a fish tank in an aquarium; the water as clear as glass, the coral reef craggy, with plunging holes and drifting plants. Omar let go of one of my hands. The fish now seemed to sense that I was a newcomer and kept their distance. As my confidence grew, I observed them: they were so alluring, so eye-catching. Some had the cutest expressions, others had glum faces. Shafts of sun pierced the water, illuminating the colours of the rainbow fish and turning it all into a magical land. I forgot my fear and put out my free hand to touch the fish as they swam past, but they were too quick and with a flick of their tails, twisted and darted away, rushing about me just out of reach, as if they were teasing me.

Signalling to me, Omar let go of my other hand and slowly we started swimming together. He signalled again, this time to tell me to unclip my camera. He showed me how to use it and I was pleased to discover that it was quite simple. I immediately got lost in this bewitching Nemo aqua park of fantasy. I snapped the exquisite characters of the fish, capturing their shape and beauty. The coral was bedecked with an array of plants; they were just as enchanting, swaying in the current like whimsical dancers. An elegant pale mauve plant was dotted across the reef and I took several photos of it, with fish swimming through it. It didn't seem long before Omar was signalling me to ascend. Oh shucks!

"Gosh, that was wicked, pure magic," I cooed to the girls when I got on board.

Sharon was jigging on the spot; she was so overjoyed for me. "I knew you would love it."

I turned to Chrissie. "I've got some super shots; I felt like a real professional."

"Are you going to book another dive then, before we go home?" Sharon asked.

A smile crossed my face as I gazed at them both; they looked like two mischievous monkeys, their eyes bright, waiting for my reply. I nodded. I sure was; it was the best thing I had done for a long time.

On the plane home, I became aware that I was feeling better. Joel had been right; the holiday did do me good. I came out of my deep depression thinking differently, beginning to wonder about a future instead of the past. What did I want? At the moment, I wanted to learn to dive and get my PADI certificate.

When I opened my front door, though, and the dark silence screamed at me and the smell of emptiness hit me, I felt claustrophobic and wanted to turn and run, but to where? I dumped my bags in the narrow dim hall, recalling happier times, when Ben, the children and I would return from holidays to our welcoming and bright home. Now, a feeling of gloom overwhelmed me and the light-heartedness of the holiday swiftly disappeared.

As I put on the kettle, I realised that I hated this house. It was a three bed-roomed mid-terraced with small windows, which made it dark and dingy. There was hardly any garden and I had noisy neighbours. For so many years, I had lived without neighbours, and I had had huge picture windows that looked out onto the wonderful big garden I had created and loved. I stared at the drizzling rain as I made my tea. It was late February and bitterly cold; my breath was like puffs of smoke that curled then stuck suspended in the air when I breathed. My summer shoes were wet through but I hardly noticed; lazily I had left my winter pair packed in my case.

Questions buzzed in my head. Why did I buy this house? I never liked it but Ben had bullied me out of our 'family' home, which suddenly became part of the company's assets. I had thought the children would still want to come home from uni and have a room each. This house was not home; how stupid I'd been.

I kicked off my wet shoes, went into the lounge, and switched on the gas fire. Bright orange flames shot up, dancing across the grate; I sank down into the doughy sofa, and burst into tears. I had just had my fortieth birthday and I felt I was heading downhill; everything seemed as bleak as the weather. I felt alive again on holiday, but now I no longer felt animated, just old, ugly, and unlovable. Suddenly the piercing sound of the phone ringing stopped my tears. I pulled myself together because I knew it would be Mum and I went and answered her merry chirpy questions.

"Well, did you have a good time? What was the weather like? Did you do anything exciting?"

After a quarter of an hour, I put down the phone and felt cheered just by recalling snippets of the holiday for Mum, especially the diving. Shivering, I went upstairs and began unpacking, dreaming about how I would like to live in the warmth of the sun, maybe even on a boat. I could get up in the balmy, golden morning, slip lazily into the turquoise sea, and swim, cocooned in Adam's ale. I loved boats. My dad used to take the kids and me sailing, and I loved being on the water. Thoughts of being in water, in the sunshine, wrapped me with comfort.

It was late. I drew the heavy bedroom curtains, blocking out the sound of the rain beating hard against the windows, and climbed into bed, still imagining. Yes, breakfast in the sun everyday would be nice. I would love to spend a year or two travelling round the Med, just diving and swimming. Maybe I could raise a mortgage - one good thing was that I didn't have a mortgage on this house - and buy a boat with the money. Then I could rent out the house to pay it back while I was living on my boat. I wondered how much a boat would cost. I pulled the bedclothes up tightly round my neck and snuggled down, closing my eyes. A green-eyed man, his white robes billowing in a gentle warm breeze, was standing on my fantasy boat. I had fallen hopelessly in love with the sheik in Sharon's book. I drifted into sleep.

# CHAPTER TWO

### Anger and loneliness

The next morning was a Sunday and I drove over to my sister Melissa's house for dinner. My mum also lived there – in her 'Granny annexe' - since Dad died from cancer, two years ago. One minute he was fine and six weeks later, he was dead. He had retired early, at sixty, and only five years into his retirement, he was gone. We were all devastated; he was the best Dad ever. He, unlike Ben, always had time for his family. I thought Joel would never stop crying. My dad worshipped us two girls, but I think he would have loved a son and Joel became the next best thing. He took him bowling. He taught him to ride his bike, how to canoe and sail, how to build and mend things. The two of them would escape on their bikes for the weekend and go fishing. My dad was there for Joel and Chloe, in ways that Ben never was.

On Monday, I was greeted with a so-called white wonderland. I trudged to the railway station through deep drifts of snow and ice, my feet frozen and slipping. "Snow should only be on Christmas cards," I muttered to myself. It was falling hard and hung like sparkling diamonds on the fur round my hood. With my head down and nearly blind, I eventually made it to the station, only to be told the trains had been cancelled. As I swore under my breath, my mobile rang; it was Jason, my boss.

"Don't bother to come in, it's too awful," he gushed.

"I'm at the station and the trains have been stopped until at least lunch time, when they'll review the situation," I yelled; snow swept into my mouth at each word.

"Yes. Well, apparently, there is more to come and it is going to be this bad for the rest of the week, so I'm shutting up shop. Cancel your appointments and set other dates."

"Yes, OK," I said with relief.

"Don't worry, we'll still pay you. Did you have a good holiday? Not the kind of weather to come back to, is it?"

"Yes and thanks."

"I'll email you about anything else. Take care."

Turning, I struggled back towards home. The coldness stung my lungs as I breathed in the frozen air.

I hate the snow.

I hate my life.

I hate my house.

I hate Ben.

I hate, hate, _hate,_ Lucy! I screamed into the hushed whiteness.

I tumbled in through the front door, pushed it shut and leaned my back against its hard surface, too exhausted to move. I lived on the Lincolnshire border but worked in Nottingham, about half an hour away by train. Until my divorce, I had always worked locally in the magazine office, first for old Mr Saunders, then with Ben and Matt when we had bought the business.

Matt was the resident photojournalist when I went to work there. He was supposed to teach me his job but he was never interested. Luckily, I was on a government scheme, which meant I could go to college one day a week. I got my A level in photography and won two competitions whilst there; the prize for one was a very expensive lens. My dad was extremely proud. He had bought me a camera when I started at the mag.

"It's second-hand but a good camera. You deserve better, but remember it's not the lens that makes the picture, it's the person behind the lens who _sees_ the picture." The new lens had fitted onto it perfectly.

At last, I found the energy to move from the door. I ambled, uncaringly, through the hall with my boots still on. They were encrusted with dirty, black snow that left a trail on my pale carpet. I didn't care. If the kids had done that, I would have shouted at them about the marks they would leave. With a spasm of hurt gripping my heart and tears stinging my eyes, I grabbed myself a chocolate bar. Girls have chocolate for comfort, don't they? At least they do in all the films. I'll see if it works. I tore off my coat and slumped on the settee, peeling the wrapper off the bar.

I lay with my damp head against the cushioned back of the settee, sucking the creamy sweetness that tantalised my taste buds, and a deep pit inside me yearned for...I don't know what. A new life, something wild, something to set my soul alive, a man; I even felt like sex. Idly I started thinking what sex with Ben was like in the early days, sort of exciting but also disappointing. I wanted to make love, I longed for passionate kisses and some caressing but he rarely did either, he just got straight down to business; go to my breasts and then intercourse. He had his own flat when we met, so we only did it in bed, no need to even do it in the back of a car. Funny that; we had never explored other places to have sex. In Sharon's book, they did it on the kitchen table. What would it be like to have sex on the kitchen table? A bit hard on the old back now I was forty. Not as though it took Ben long, but it might chafe the skin on my back, I suppose. I wonder how you would do it; me underneath, lying on the table and Ben thrusting, or he gripping me as I sat on the edge and he driving into me? The second way wouldn't hurt my back and that was how they did it in the book.

I closed my eyes, trying to imagine it all, licking the top of my chocolate. Ben above me, moving...would it hurt? Nah, he wasn't big enough like the fellow in the book, and too quick. He would go at it like rapid gunfire. I used to lie there in the pitch black, listening to his huffing and snuffling at my breasts, wishing he would kiss me or go slower so I might get a chance to feel something. All I felt was my body vibrating as if I had a brake stuck and he was trying to push me forward, but I was pinned down by his weight, his hands squeezing and his mouth biting my breasts. He was nearly always on top of me, his breath puffing across me at the exertion. I felt it was a power thing, but maybe not. It was so impersonal; I wonder why they call it being intimate. I once asked him to kiss me properly first and I wanted a cuddle, but he told me to grow up! After that, I never had the courage to complain _and_ he didn't take criticism well. Mmm, sometimes I did used to fantasise about some film star I fancied caressing me with his lips and doing it with me instead of Ben, anything to try to get an orgasm. Occasionally that would bring me to the brink...but Ben would get there before I did. I only got an orgasm from masturbating. When he had finished, and he lay snoring beside me, I would often masturbate. Sighing, I decided sex was an uneventful procedure; I couldn't understand what the fuss was about.

Finishing my chocolate and not wanting to move, I continued dreaming about this weird intercourse on the table, with Ben, and his stunning blue eyes. Gradually Ben's face disappeared and there was my green-eyed sheik; I got moist and warm in my vagina. That book had a lot to answer for. I wondered if I missed something in my marriage or maybe that sort of lovemaking happened only in books. I hadn't felt the least bit inclined to want sex until today; I hadn't really thought about it since I split with Ben. I was forty and dried up, I supposed - although not quite at this moment! Ben said I was cold and passionless but I wonder if he had been just a teensy bit loving, and we tried it somewhere more exciting, not in the dark, it might have got me going. Mmm, I was excited just thinking about my sheik and me on the table.

Suddenly frustration rippled through my insides. I felt cheated, too old to have satisfying sex; after all, who would want me at my age, not even Ben. He was right, I was cold; I felt cold now and shivered. I lit the gas fire; anger flared in me as the flames dazzled me and intertwined with my despair. I had no future; my family and Ben were my future, and they were not around. Ben cheated on me; worse, I had lost the closeness of my children because of him and he swindled me out of my money.

When Ben, Matt and I became partners and bought the magazine, it was failing miserably, so there was no money for staff. When we bought the mag Matt had just gone through his first divorce; he had two more by the time Ben and I divorced. Each time the accountant had double-crossed his wives out of money from their houses and any money from his share of the company. They did the same to me. However, Matt's wives never lasted more than four years; never worked in the company either. I had done both, part time at first then full time from when Joel went to school. I never received any wages. I always had to ask Ben for every penny, including for food each week, and I had been married to him for over twenty years. When Ben and I divorced, it seemed I owned nothing; everything, including the house, suddenly belonged to a _failing_ company and Ben had the paperwork to _prove_ it.

I felt too desolate to care. It was such a shock and I was still grieving from my father's death and grieving from Joel going to uni, leaving me in an empty house. If it hadn't been for Sharon, who was livid and took me to her solicitor, I probably wouldn't have received enough to buy a house of any sort. I couldn't believe Ben's meanness, but then I didn't seem to know Ben anymore. To top it all, Ben had said it was too _awkward_ for me to work in the office now.

Then Jason, who had an independent publishing business in Nottingham, phoned and asked me to work for him. Until I began working for Jason I hadn't realised that it was my creative marketing ability and drive that had turned the magazine around. I had insisted on doing only four days a week for Jason. I didn't need to earn a lot - the kids were away at uni, and I had no mortgage - and I was fed up with having no time for myself. However, in this new world of mine, I had too much time; I felt very alone and filled with an agonising bitterness that I knew was eating me up.

The snow continued falling in huge, white, biting drifts across England, imprisoning me in the house for three more days. I wandered idly round and round, one minute full of fury and the next drifting into dreams, sometimes with my sheik but always on a sailing boat. He should have been a pirate, not a sheik. To give myself something to do, I downloaded the photos from my holiday; and seeing myself looking so 'attractive' in my diving gear, I giggled. Floods of inspiring feelings engulfed me; I did love diving, and I really wanted to do it again. So, do something about it.

I went to my laptop and looked up some local diving courses on the Internet. To my surprise, there were quite a few. I picked the nearest, not because it was near but because it was on a Wednesday evening and a Sunday morning. I hated Sundays. I sometimes didn't speak to anyone. I had plenty of invitations for lunch, especially from Mum and Mel. My mum nagged me to move on. I know she meant well, but I just wanted a quiet day. Not that a day with Mel, her husband, Keith, and their four kids and two large dogs was 'quiet' but I felt it was, in a normal family way, where I didn't need to think, or want to.

The diving club let me join on-line. If it ever stopped snowing and I could emerge from this house, I could go next Sunday. I prayed I could. I joined before I changed my mind.

Next, because I was so bored I frivolously looked up boats. I was just looking... out of curiosity, but I tingled at the thought of really buying one. I saw several; well you would when you had no intention of buying or didn't have to worry about prices. I found two beautiful sleek clipper yachts - either one would do me fine. I closed the laptop down and lay full length on the sofa, gazing up at the white ceiling. I wonder what it would be like if I owned one of them; my sexy sheik would be at the helm of course and he would make mad passionate love to me, and I would have orgasm after orgasm until I completely lost control.... Yeah, right.

On Sunday – the 1st of March, just eight days after I returned from holiday - I went to my first Dolphin Diving Club lesson and it changed my life and me forever.

# CHAPTER THREE

### Dreams

On the Saturday, the day before my lesson, I managed to drive to the shops. The snow was still thick, with grey ice on the side roads, so I had to drive at nought miles an hour. Once I got onto the main road, though, it was wet and slushy or clear. I needed food anyhow and a suitable swimming costume for tomorrow, or so I thought. I landed up buying two swimsuits, a 'pretty' costume full of bright colours and a sporty black one, because I couldn't decide what would be best. I nearly always wore black. I had black suits, skirts, and trousers worn with white blouses for work, because Ben, who always took me shopping for clothes, said they were the most appropriate attire. And I had little black dresses for promotional parties and even for social gatherings that had nothing to do with work. Having dark red hair - pulled tight in a knot at the back of my head, as Ben hated my 'springs' - black suited me; I suppose I also looked efficient and smart. I took both of the new costumes to the swimming pool, still unable to make a decision. I would see what the others were wearing first, and then decide.

Harry was the instructor and ran the club; shaking his hand as I introduced myself, I hoped he couldn't feel me quivering. I said I was a beginner and that I had dived only twice on holiday, just over a week ago.

"Gave you a taste for it, did it?" he grinned. "A good place to start - the Red Sea. Well don't fret. _We'_ ll have you as confident under the water as you are walking on land." He waved his hand in the direction of the members; some were already in the pool while the others were fixing their equipment on the side. "This motley lot will help. We have more people in the summer, when we dive in the river and lakes, unless it's very cold. Us few, though, we thrive in the cold or the heat, in a pool or wherever; we're addicted to water," he laughed.

I liked Harry straightaway; something about him reminded me of my dad. I don't know if it was his encouragement or his happy attitude. In the following weeks, I found out that he had Dad's patience too.

"Dawn," Harry yelled out, "can you show Francine the dressing room and the ropes?"

Dawn was great and we instantly 'clicked'. She had done diving on and off in different places and now wanted to get her PADI certificate. She was seven years younger than me - nearly thirty-three - and had just left her partner of nearly ten years. They had grown apart, she said. They were still good friends, but now they wanted different things. She wanted a family, as her 'time' was running out, but he didn't. She had laughed when she said this, but I could see in her startling blue eyes that she didn't think it was funny. She was thin and wiry, with short, spiky, bright-pink dyed hair, a glittering stud in her nose, several earrings in her ears and a small tattoo on her hip. She looked more like a young girl. She was wearing a glamorous lime-green bikini that shrieked at you against her bright-pink hair. Flip! What else? I hadn't brought my holiday bikini. I put on my 'pretty suit' but she threw me a tee shirt and told me to put it on so the 'gear' wouldn't pinch my skin, and she put on a shortie wetsuit. Oh well.

Next, I met Steve and Laura, who were in there fifties, married, and had dived all over the world. They came only on Sundays, to keep themselves fit and help out until their next trip. Then there was Ant and Dec; their real names were Anthony and Diane, but no one ever called them by those and it was a few weeks before I found out their proper names. They were a young couple, in their early twenties, who were saving to go round the world in early June, when they hoped to have enough money.

Then I was introduced to the 'singles'. John was only twenty-three, a tall lad with wide shoulders and narrow hips, who looked like he should be on the telly, in Baywatch or something. Sharon would have loved him. In comparison, Alan was a weedy fellow of thirty-five; he turned every remark or sentence into smut with a double meaning, and he thought he knew absolutely everything you talked about. He was a divorcee, and I could see why. Another 'new' member was Raphael; he had joined two weeks ago but had a virus last week. He was nice, very polite, the sort of man you could take home to your parents. He was quiet, liked books, liked cooking, and hated sports - except swimming. He was dark haired with a European tanned skin; it turned out his father was Italian but born in England and his mother was Spanish. He was thirty-one and worked in his father's restaurant. Lastly, there was Giles, a widower of nearly two years. He had one married son who lived down in Dorset who travelled a lot, so he rarely saw him. I could see he was lonely. He was sixty-five - and I thought I was too old to start something new!

"We go down to the pub and have a carvery for our Sunday lunch when we're finished. Do you fancy coming?" Dawn asked, as we got dressed. "It's wicked; the food's good and Steve or Laura treat us with a story about where they've been. Well, where haven't they been! It makes me drool just listening to them. Lucky things!"

After that, Sunday became the best day of the week, although I liked Wednesday evenings too later, when us 'singles' started going to Raphael's Dad's restaurant – that began when the clocks went back and the lighter evenings came. The restaurant was on the river and we would laugh over marvellous pasta dishes, with plenty of wine, pretending we were in the Med, and dreaming about fabulous jobs, where we all did diving for a living.

Two weeks after starting my PADI course, I joined night school to take an RYA Day Skipper Certificate...just out of interest. It was done in two parts. The first was every Monday evening in the classroom and the practical on a boat in Plymouth, and that was costly.

The RYA group were all men. None of them seemed friendly; I was lucky to get a nod, and we never met outside the class. That was OK with me; they were not my type, all boastful and full of themselves. Sharon thought I was crazy not to enjoy them and, giggling, said she might join. Luckily, she had second thoughts! Nevertheless, I learnt a lot and did the calculations correctly, much faster than any of the men did. Sharon said that was not the way to win their friendship. I didn't care.

So, each Sunday I got more inspired by Steve and Laura's stories until I seriously considered buying a boat. After all, you only live once and what else did I have? However, I needed money, not only for a boat but also for the equipment for diving; the other club members had shared theirs with me so far. My holiday in Egypt and the courses had cost me all my savings and it would cost more for the open water diving certificate in Malta and the second part of my RYA in Plymouth. I would have to see if I could arrange a mortgage, so I made an appointment for Friday, my day off, with a financial consultant. I got goose bumps just thinking about it all. I was going to really do it, I was...was...

That night I fantasised about becoming a proper photographer, like I had always wanted to be since childhood. Now I would be an underwater photographer, doing documentaries about endangered species, eroding reefs and environment issues. Of course, I was in great demand and even got an award for my approach to saving the planet.

The feeling of excitement was short lived. I thought there would be some equity on my house, but it seemed that it was worth less then I had paid for it. The recession had hit the housing market badly. I could raise a small mortgage on it, but not enough for a good boat. I would have to sell the house if I wanted to buy a boat, but they were not selling fast. It could take a year, maybe more unless I sold it cheap. I realised I had to make a decision, think seriously about how much I wanted this dream. I also might come back to nothing; but then, apart from a house I hated, I had nothing and I might get a life I liked; and didn't I want to do something wild?

It was Friday night; I stood under a hot steaming shower, water cascading over me, my hands caressing my body. In Sharon's paperback, they did it under the shower. With my eyes closed, I tried to imagine a man was with me. It was so very sensual, my hands gliding over my slippery warm, wet breasts and torso; for another five minutes, I carried on fantasising about a man with green eyes telling me I was desirable. Suddenly I remembered I was to pick up Chrissie; if I carried on like this, I would be late.

Chrissie was ready when I got there...only ten minutes late! I drove to Sharon's for a meal; we did this most Fridays, taking it in turns to host it. Sometimes it was just Chrissie and me - if Sharon had jetted off somewhere to meet Samuel. Over a delicious dish of roast beef with all the trimmings, we reminisced about our holiday, how it had especially cheered me.

"How is the diving and sailing going?" Sharon asked. "How are all those lovely men? Imagine sailing across warm crystal clear seas, stopping at deserted islands, the sun setting over a silver sea and slipping into the arms of one of those gorgeous men."

Chrissie and I cracked up.

"You're hopeless, there's not one man there I fancy," I laughed. The sad thing was I hardly noticed men and their 'good looks'. "You've read too many of those romantic paperbacks you made me read."

Sharon pouted, "I never made you read anything; I just suggested you should. They're fun," she grinned. "Don't you like fun?"

"Of course I do, but my idea of fun is different to yours, and it doesn't involve a man."

"Oh Ben hasn't made you like women instead, has he?" she teased.

"No, but I don't have, or even want, a man around. I'm not looking for a man or a relationship. I never want to be married and at anyone's beck and call again. I'll take some more of your books, though; I'll settle for the men in them."

"At _last_ , you have come to your senses! Be yourself, and follow your _own_ dreams, not passionately work for someone else's, someone who cares nothing about what you want, like Ben. But some marriages can be good; you need a marriage like mine. Not being with each other all the time, and when we are...it's like the first time and we fall in love all over again. It's wonderful," Sharon said dreamily.

I wasn't sure about that sort of relationship either, but Sharon was never down or ever unhappy. However, if I had a man, he would probably stop me from having my dream. No fear. I decided to tell them both about it.

"I'm thinking of buying a boat anyhow," I said, as casually as I could.

"Why?" Chrissie asked.

"To live on, maybe in the Med, for a year or two, before I'm too old and decrepit. Or perhaps I could join some crew and dive for a while, maybe taking photos. If I sell my house, I could buy a boat, unless I got some diving job."

"Swimming and sailing, you'd absolutely _adore_ it," Chrissie said. "You always enjoyed going sailing with your Dad, Joel and Chloe, didn't you? When you sometimes took Karen and dropped her off, you looked like a different person."

"All windswept and shiny," I smirked.

"No, more than that; it's a pity you didn't get away more and do it."

"You mean _ask_ Ben for some time off?" Sharon mocked. She was the only woman I knew who didn't like Ben, and Sharon was the only woman Ben actually detested. She had breezed into the office one day about six years ago, all blond, leggy, and tanned, wanting her book published. Matt and Ben immediately gave her their full attention and it wasn't because of her book! I liked her from the start but Ben very soon couldn't stand her. He thought she was too 'mouthy'. That's because she held her own and knew what she wanted and would not be swayed on any issue.

"You could make a living taking underwater photos. You took such unusual and different shots with that camera Chrissie got you. Look at the ones you did for my travel book. They made that book."

"I think that's a bit of an exaggeration," I smiled at Sharon. "Ben never thought much of them. It was your witty humour that made the book."

Sharon made a face. "I think you're wrong. Ben and even Matt were envious because those photos were so good and because I said they couldn't do it. Matt was hoping to come to Europe, do the photos, and have a 'thing' with me. Some chance! I knew as soon as I saw your photos in the salon Karen worked in that I wanted you to do them. They were brilliant. Portraying hair styles as mysterious, weird and amazing; if you can do that with just hair, well!"

I wiggled at Sharon's praise, remembering the glorious nine days we had spent jetting around Europe, while Ben was on the men's golfing holiday that he went on every year. My parents had looked after my teenaged kids.

"I think you should try. Sharon's right, your pictures are terrific. Photography has always been your thing." Chrissie hesitated, and then added, "I'm thinking of raising a mortgage on my house and buying a business with Karen."

"Well, what a couple of entrepreneurs you both are," Sharon giggled.

"It's just that I'm fed up with working for other people and making them wealthy on my hard work."

"Good for you," I said to Chrissie.

"So now that Karen is a qualified sports physiotherapist, she and I could buy or rent a place of our own."

"Have you been to see anyone about raising a mortgage?" I asked. She shook her head. "I did, today. Unfortunately, because I bought my house just over a year ago, the prices have gone down and it's not worth as much as I bought it for. I had this plan where I was going to get a mortgage and buy a boat, and rent the house out while I was away to pay the loan back. Now I think I shall have to sell it instead. Still, you've had your house for twenty-five years and it's bigger and worth a lot more than mine."

"Yes, I suppose my house wouldn't be at risk, like yours would, if I had a small loan. I thought Karen could have part of the salon for her sports therapy."

"What does Karen say about this?" Sharon asked, frowning.

"Oh it was _her_ idea. If I could raise a deposit, she reckons she could get a business mortgage. What do you two think?"

"I think it sounds great. People always need to get their hair cut. You should go for it, if Karen can get a mortgage, which are tight right now." I sighed.

Sharon waved her arm in a gesture of dismissal. "There's always a way round money. I'll ask Samuel; he's due back Sunday. I expect he'll come up with something."

We chatted way on into the night, Sharon topping us up with wine until I was too tipsy to drive. So we stopped the night and I made pancakes for breakfast in the morning, before Chrissie rushed off to work; I hadn't made pancakes for a while, since the children rarely came home now. We decided we would all do it again soon. Just before I left, Sharon plonked a couple of books in front of me and winked.

* *

It was Easter; the sun threw polishing glows of burnished hues across the surfaces of my kitchen. I was having a lazy morning. I sat sipping my coffee, the dark aroma drifting round the kitchen and mixing with my imagination. I was on a sailing boat, the sea breeze embracing me; white sails billowed in the wind on turquoise warm waters, while I ate my breakfast somewhere in the Mediterranean.

Suddenly Joel appeared in the kitchen like a magician, making me jump as he grabbed my waist.

"Hi dreamer, I thought I would come for the holidays," he smirked, his masculine arms wrapping me tenderly against his chest. Then to my utter, utter amazement he said, "And Chloe is also coming down to stay; she'll be here by noon."

Both of them!

I don't know why, but my insides were abruptly swept with gurgles at this astonishing news. Why were they both coming; what did they want? Oh, I'm getting mercenary about the pair. What was the matter with me?

Chloe hated this house and, I felt, me; ever since Ben told her he was leaving me. She had come home from uni that weekend spitting and fuming. I was still in the family home then and Ben was sleeping in the guest cottage. Oh yes, we had a 2 bed-roomed cottage converted from outbuildings as well as a large six bed-roomed house, all worth one hundred times the value of my small house; not to mention the value of the business. If I had my fair share, I could have had a boat, some money to live on, and still have a small house. That was why the anger wouldn't go.

"You always let him walk all over you," she had yelled that day, "let him have his own way about everything, like when I wanted a dog. Dad said we couldn't, so that was that. You never stick up for yourself; you're pathetic. It's no wonder he's gone off with someone else." Tears where streaming down her face as she screamed at me and when I tried to comfort her, she flung my arm off her.

"You've been talking to Grandma," I accused; she had said something similar.

"No I haven't," she snapped. I sank into the chair next to her and let her rant and go on at me. I felt too miserable, too traumatized, to attempt anything else.

"Well," she said at last, her voice cracked with distress, drying her wet face. "When I finish uni next summer I shall be living in London with Rachel. I'm not living anywhere near here. Then when I've saved enough, I'm going to India or Africa. Then I'm going to meet Rachel in Australia and we're going travelling round the world."

"That sounds a good idea; maybe I could join you travelling. I would love to do something like that."

She laughed, rather hysterically, "Don't be ridiculous."

"Why is it ridiculous?"

"You.... travelling and putting up with hostel accommodation," she laughed again. "We won't be in luxurious hotels."

"I can do that! It was your father that disliked making do. I find it challenging. I used to go camping with Grandad when we were kids. I loved it."

"Oh you're just being silly; this whole thing has sent you mad."

Joel reacted without hysterics. He had only been at uni for a month when Ben said he was going, or as it turned out, I was the one that had to leave. He apparently had been waiting for Joel to go to uni to leave me! Joel phoned me after Ben told him, he asked if I was OK and told me to keep my chin up. Yeah right. By Christmas Ben had me out. 'Helped' me find a house and had Lucy installed in the 'family' home.

I spent that first miserable Christmas with Mum, Mel, Chloe and Joel as we usually did, but it was awkward and awful, everyone pretending and when we returned to my new house we all quietly went to bed. Next morning Chloe and I had a fight about me not getting the family house and her having to put up with a room not big enough to swing a cat round in.

Joel said, "I didn't know you had a cat," and she swiped him.

I told her off.

"It's difficult for us all; being cross at each other won't help."

She screamed, stamped upstairs like a sulky kid, and went off to Karen's; staying with her and Chrissie for the rest of the holidays and I've hardly seen her since. When she comes back from uni she usually goes and stays with Ben. Lucy and she became good friends; well she would, wouldn't she, being nearly the same age! But it hurts me more than Ben leaving me.

Joel, that Boxing Day, had hugged me after Chloe left, until I stopped crying and we spent another depressing day together. The next morning he went off to a uni friend's house. He had promised him, they would spend New Year together. That had been four days away, but I didn't say anything.

Ben had gone away for all of that first Christmas, skiing with Lucy.

After that, Joel came to stay every other weekend bringing his washing. I would fill him up with food, pack his clean clothes carefully and away he would go. Then he started bringing friends with him too, they filled the house and ate all my food. One week he came at the end of the month and I had no food for myself, let alone all his friends. It had been a particularly bad financial month for me; my car had broken down and it had cost me all my wages to get it fixed. In addition, I had had the toothache and had to go to the dentist, which cost me money I didn't have.

Unfortunately, I shouted at Joel that I had no money, Dad had it all, and he should ask him for some. He stared at me in complete amazement. Always Chloe and I screamed at each other. After that, he went to Ben's to stay. He would call in with his dirty washing, a quick bite and a chat, and again to pick up his clean laundry, never with any friends, but he never took friends to Ben's either. Then I found out he, Ben and Lucy would go out to the cinema or go bowling, a thing he had never done with his father before. In the past, even at the weekends, Ben would go and play golf, go down the gym or to the pub, all without the kids or me. I tried to stop being mad at myself for giving way that day as I missed him so much. It was nice for Joel that he was doing something at last with his father, I told myself. However, deep down I realised that Lucy had not only taken Ben, but had enchanted my children too.

So I was determined that I wasn't going to mess this Easter up, no matter what. I made Joel and myself some sizzling bacon toasties; he gave me his washing with a large chocolate egg and a grin...hmmm, and Chloe turned up just after twelve.

We had an amiable, happy lunch, sitting on the patio in my small garden, as it was sunny and warm. I was filled with suspicion as to why the children were here. I was not going to ask, it was too pleasant, and I didn't want to land up fighting with either of them, but Chloe was unnaturally quiet. After a while, my mum mode kicked in. I began to fear the worst, feeling guilty for suspecting them. Maybe one of them was seriously ill, or was in trouble. Although I was relaxing with my eyes shut, I had seen the looks they had exchanged.

"Are you planning on staying long, I need to get some food later," I asked tentatively.

"We thought we would stop until Monday, if that's OK?" Joel said.

"Yes," I smiled. "That would be lovely."

"We could have one of your roasts on Sunday," Joel grinned.

"Not possible. I'm going out with friends for lunch. You could both come if you want and I'll do one on Monday."

"We are going _home" (_ that hurt) "on Monday morning," Chloe snapped.

I took a slow deep breath and sat up. "OK."

"OK what," Joel said.

I gazed at him.

"It's Dad and Lucy," Chloe said immediately.

My heart missed a beat; no, lots of beats; oh, they have split up; no, no, he might want to come back; no, I screamed inside, I want my dream... Well wasn't that a surprise?

"Yes," I managed to force out trying not to sound too panicked, hardly breathing.

"They're going to have a baby."

The relief was so overwhelming, that I must have gone pale, because Joel grabbed hold of my hand. For a tic of the clock, deep inside something knotted, but then I saw this boat in my mind and I didn't care, not one little bit, I really, really didn't. It had taken eighteen months! I wanted my boat and my dream, _more_ than Ben. I made up my mind there and then to put the house on the market after Easter.

"Oh well," I tried not to sound too happy; the children seemed to want me to be upset. "Let's hope he takes more notice of this child when it's little then he ever did you two."

"Do you think it will inherit the business, or the house?" Chloe asked.

"Erh!"...So that's what this visit was all about, "I don't know."

"We wondered if you could say something to Dad about it," Chloe whined.

Something snapped inside me and I went cold. I had bred two selfish brats! "You're on better terms with Dad and Lucy, _you_ ask. I hardly see your father anymore, since he married Lucy last Christmas. I told him it was no longer proper."

The truth was that after our split he would come round every week on a Tuesday 'to see me because he was worried about me.' He and I would have a meal that I cooked, with wine. He would be in his most charming of moods and I looked forward to his visits. Somehow, in the beginning, I thought he would come back to me after his 'mid-life fling'. When Sharon found out, she went down to the office and exploded at Ben. He told her it had nothing to do with her. However, Sharon being Sharon, she took no notice and she would turn up too, so he just simply changed the day each week. This Christmas, he went to the Caribbean and married Lucy, taking the children with him; it was a turning point for me; I at last realised that my life would never be the same again.

"I can see why Joel might like to know, because Dad promised him his part of the company one day; but I thought you had other ideas about your career."

"Well I don't see why some other brat," _oh how applicable,_ "should get what's ours." Chloe spat.

I knew how she felt! I had thought that about Lucy; to be honest, I still did. Chloe's blue eyes grew dark, almost the colour of an inky twilight sky; she looked so much like her dad sometimes, her blond hair falling across her face and her eyes turning different shades according to her mood.

"Yes, well I was hoping to work there when I finished my art degree and later maybe take over from Pop. He always said I could," Joel moaned.

"I expect you still can. But Dad says and promises lots of things and..."

"Oh don't start that again," interrupted Chloe, rolling her eyes to the sky; "about you not getting your fair share of the money."

I had a hard time not getting up and slapping her. "But isn't that just what you're going on about - _all_ the money for the house and business?" I glared into Chloe's now steely blue eyes. She had the grace to look at the ground. "All I can say is that if he treats you both like me, you'll be lucky to get much at all." For the first time since they had been born, I felt I didn't like my children much. So why was this hunger inside me to want them around?

"Anyhow," I said, "on a lighter note. I'm going to sell this house."

"Rabbit hutch," muttered Chloe.

I ignored her and continued. "Either that, or I might rent it out."

"Why, what's the point of that?" Joel asked puzzled.

"Because I'm thinking of buying a boat and living on it - perhaps in the Med."

They both stared at me as if I had two heads!

Then first Joel, and then Chloe fell about laughing.

"Oh Mum," Joel smiled and put his arms about my shoulders as if I was a child that needed understanding. "I do love you so," he said and kissed my cheek.

That brought tears to my eyes. Neither of my children had told me they loved me for a long time. "I'm serious," I whispered, gulping.

"Yeah, right. What kind of boat? Moreover, how exactly are you going to make a living?" Joel asked, his mosaic blue eyes dancing with amusement.

It's funny, them both looking so much like Ben, although Joel had my curly hair and his hair was a darker blond than Ben's.

"She went scuba diving in Egypt yer know," Joel continued, as if it had sizzled my mind. Maybe it had! "I expect that's where this idea came from."

Chloe gave me a high voltage stare. "Oh, you never said."

"You never asked," I returned. On the rare occasions she phoned, she never asked about me, or how I might be doing, it was always about her and what she had been up to.

"Maybe water got into her ears," she jeered.

"More than water," Joel grinned.

He didn't know how right he was! "Why do you both have to be the only ones to have dreams?"

"It's OK Mum," Chloe said in a soothing tone like I was some kind of idiot. "You can have dreams, but living on a boat, really!"

"Yes, really! You're going travelling this summer; maybe we could meet up in the Med somewhere. That would be lovely."

"On this seaworthy boat," Joel mocked.

"That's why I might need to sell the house."

" **IF,** you get a boat how are you going to sail it to the Mediterranean all by yourself? I'm not taking time out from my art course to come and help. And in the summer hols I'm going with some friends to Cornwall. We're staying in St. Ives for the summer."

"Supposedly painting, but it's really because of a girl," Chloe said.

Joel made a face at her as I scowled at Joel – as if I'd ask him.

"I'm doing an RYA course. To you two, it's a course where you learn to navigate and take tidal calculations and read charts etc. And I have friends in my scuba diving club that are more than willing to come and live on a boat too." Why hadn't I considered that before? I expect they would! And they could share the living costs. The excitement inside me from this sudden idea was going into overload.

"You're going on a course?" Chloe sounded incredulous.

"No I'm already _doing_ the course, have been for the last three weeks," I corrected her, smirking.

"You're serious," Joel said.

"Yes."

"How are you going to eat and things?" Joel's stomach always came first.

"Well, I'm not sure yet. There are several options. I could take photos." .... and why couldn't I?

Joel snorted, "I don't think fish will pay you much for their portraits."

"No, but magazines might." Ideas buzzed in my head. "I could write a book on travelling on a boat, with photos," I had already marketed a travel book successfully, Sharon's. She was gleaming in the royalties on that. I could do a book from a different angle, like a pub-walking book, do a Med food travelling book. "Did I say I'm also doing a PADI certificate, a qualification for scuba diving? And if the worst comes to the worst, I could always do work in some bar." By this time, I was not sure if I was convincing my children or myself. "After all it was me that marketed the mag and the books in our publishing company, not Dad; why can't I do it for myself?"

Why couldn't I indeed?

"Huh!" Chloe granted.

"Come to think of it, now that I've gone and there is no one there to market things.... and with the recession, there might not be much of a business to inherit."

Joel stared at me; but I could see in his darkening expression that I had made him think.

Chloe shook her head perplexed, "I think you need some counselling."

I laughed; I hadn't felt this great for a long time. Counselling; my boat dream was all the counselling I needed. And my recovery would be when I made it happen and I would make it happen.... somehow.

I got up, "Well I'm going shopping; are you staying on Monday and having a roast or not?"

"Why can't you change your dinner out to Monday?" Chloe asked. It was the sort of thing I would have done once; cancel my arrangements for them, but not anymore.

"Sorry," I said. "Monday or tonight if you wish, or you can come on Sunday with me; they do a good roast and you can meet my diving friends. Alternatively, you can stay here and cook a roast yourself, or go to Dad's and let Lucy cook you a roast; and have a word with him at the same time. Plenty of options."

"Lucy, cook!" Joel sniggered.

Chloe moaned. "She doesn't do cooking, "

I wondered what she did do. "Well tonight then."

"We're going out. Didn't we say?" Chloe said, knowing darn well she hadn't. "I'm going out with Karen, clubbing."

"And you?" I asked Joel.

"I'm meeting with my school friends; they're back from uni. I expect we'll go clubbing too. We'll go to Dad's Sunday."

"So no roast then and be quiet when you come in tonight please."

"No I'll stay till Tuesday," yelled Joel at my departing back.

"And me," echoed Chloe.

I smiled. Good, and closing the front door I heard them both arguing. Chloe didn't want her brother at the same club she was going to. It nearly felt like old times, but I knew it wasn't. I had moved on, even if it wasn't far.

# CHAPTER FOUR

### A changing me

On Tuesday morning, I rushed upstairs to each of the children, giving them each a kiss; both were still huddled in bed; they smelt cosy and warm, like when they were small. It had been the nicest weekend since my divorce and I told them so; then I raced off to catch my train. As soon as I had time at work, I made an appointment for an estate agent to visit on Friday.

There, done it!

When I arrived home, I half-expected Ben to be there; I knew the children had told him about me selling the house and wanting to live on a boat. He turned up the next evening as I was tearing around to get to my diving group. He wandered in like he owned the place, (he probably thought he did, somewhere down inside) up through the back garden and in the back door, and pinched the other half of my sandwich, settling himself on a kitchen stool.

"Have you a glass of wine to go with this?"

"'Fraid not." I had, but I wasn't going to open a new bottle for him. It was my turn to host this Friday and I was saving it for that.

Suddenly remembering about the baby I said, "I hear congratulations are in order." He looked uncomfortable and mumbled something I didn't catch.

"Well?" I asked impatiently.

"You're being a bit short," he said, chewing my sandwich and gazing at me with his beautiful blue eyes.

"I'm going out in ten minutes, can you say whatever it is you've come round about."

He sat there unperturbed, grinning, looking gorgeous.

"Where are you off to?"

"My scuba diving club and I'll be late in a minute."

"Oh yes," he smirked. "I've heard about your ridiculous idea; that's why I've come round."

"What ridiculous idea? I don't know what you mean," I lied.

He looked at me for a long moment and I, for the first time, stared straight back at him. Funny, my stomach didn't lurch and I didn't want to grab and hold onto him.

"About you thinking you could live on a boat," he chuckled. "And that you could do diving for a living and underwater photography, or something equally stupid."

"Only to you," I said quietly.

"And the children."

"Well they're your kids, aren't they?"

He gave me one of his handsome sun-bright smiles, "I told them they probably had nothing to worry about. You'd never do anything so insane; you have more sense."

Oh, here he goes with his sweetness and charm, but...I said what Sharon might have answered, becoming 'mouthy.' "Well make up your mind. One minute I'm stupid, the next I'm sensible."

Gazing at me lazily, he said. "You've changed."

"I wonder why that is."

He sighed, "Look darling..."

I cut him off, "Oh, I'm supposed to ask you about the children's inheritance. They want to know if they might expect any; or whether you're giving it all to this new child." That threw him, his eyes narrowed and his face darkened; but I couldn't stop myself; I was on a roll. "Of course, I told them that the business, now I was no longer there, was going down the pan fast from lack of ideas and drive, and there being a recession, they might have very little to inherit anyhow."

He clicked his teeth.

I forgot he did that; he sat there watching me as I zipped up my sports bag.

"Well I really must be off."

"Maybe,".... he said with his smooth beguiling grin, and his unreadable eyes sparkling, "and I don't know why I haven't thought of it before."

I locked the back door and turned. ...Then I knew; he was going to ask me to come back to work for the company... Oh, how I was ready for this.

"Would you consider coming back to work for the mag?"

Never in a hundred years.

"I thought it was too ' _awkward_ ' for me to work there."

"Well, Lucy isn't coming in much, unless she has to; sick and all that. So she could just not bother anymore, if you came back."

"No thanks." I was jumping for glee inside. "I've got a job, one that respects my talents."

"But surely you don't want to see the business fold, when you've put half your life into it?"

I couldn't believe the man!

"And I do respect you and your ideas; the business is certainly missing out and personally I'm missing you there as well."

Did he really think I was that gullible? That jewels fell from his mouth when he spoke and I could be so easily persuaded. Well, I suppose I was in the past, especially when I first met him. I found him like an ecstasy, which overwhelms your mind and thought. He dived on me, and perhaps Lucy, as soon as we met, as Sharon had once said. Well it was true for me. I had only been sixteen and he had been nearly twenty-four. Baby snatcher! He still was. Mind you Lucy _was_ twenty-three when they met and Ben had been forty-three and _married_ and she was _far_ from being inexperienced with men like me, (and I still am, only ever having been with Ben). When Matt had introduced her, he said she was a chip off the old block. How right he was! Suddenly I was seeing this man that I had loved for so long, through new eyes. He had always been good looking, and I thought kind, but he wasn't. Did I only love him through habit, or because I never saw his true nature? Love made you blind, wasn't that what they said? I had let him have his own way, always trying to please him, and lost myself in doing so, just like Mum had said; but I never realised that, until now. He was manipulative, controlling, using his extreme charm when he wanted something.

"It's your business, not mine. _Remember_. I don't care anymore about it.... Now, will you please go? I don't want to be late."

He got up slowly, trying to annoy me, but it didn't work. I just stood at the open front door. "Give my congratulations to Lucy," I said sweetly.

He gave me a quizzical stare as he passed.

Oh, yes! I was a changing woman.

I was on such a high when I got to the club, just because I had stood up to him that Dawn laughingly asked me what I was on. When we got to the pub, I decided to tell them about my boat dream and when I had finished, I asked if any of them would be interested in coming with me.

Raphael was quickly nodding and saying you could count him in before I had hardly finished asking.

Dawn said, "Wicked; if I can afford it, I'm up for it."

"Am I too old to sign on? Give it to me straight," Giles asked.

"No one is too old, especially you Giles." I chuckled. Giles had thick salt and pepper bristle-brush hair and an extremely fit body, he looked in his fifties, more than his sixties.

John said, "I can't get that amount of leave from work."

"Of course I may have to sell my house first."

"You won't sell your house at the moment," Alan said, pessimistically.

To say the lights were switched off in my friends' eyes would have been an understatement.

"Well the other option is dependent on how much a boat will cost and how much money I can raise on my house."

"I used to be a carpenter," Giles said. "I could help do up an old boat. I have plenty of time on my hands and I'd love to do it."

Ah, the lights went back on.

"So," I grinned, "I thought you all might be interested. I'll see what I can do. I should be able to tell you more in a couple of weeks."

For the rest of the evening we were all fizzing. Calculating our money and how much it all might cost. We were surprised when we were told the pub was closing.

The estate agent also said my house was worth less then I had paid for it. He advised me to try to raise a loan on it instead, but I was adamant I wanted to sell. The night before, I had seriously looked up clipper yachts for sale on the Internet. I needed at least my house price _,_ even for an old boat I had to do up. I also needed money for the rest of my courses. I felt fed up and trapped by poverty.

As it was my turn to host, I got out a packet of chicken from the freezer and started chopping up vegetables; tears began to blossom in my eyes and trickle down my cheeks and I was so angry I threw the saucepan lid across the kitchen when I accidentally dropped it.

Suddenly I remembered my rings. Ben had been generous at Christmas and on my birthdays and I had inherited some jewellery from my grandmother and Ben's mother. I wondered how much I could get for them if I sold them. Dawn had taken her ring to some place in the high street. It would be enough for my diving equipment at least. I would do it right now, not think about it, and see how much I could get. Wiping my hands, I raced upstairs to my jewellery box.

Mmm, I started sorting through the carved wooden box. Those two gaudy diamond rings, presents from Ben...they should be worth a bit. Oh, those diamond earrings that hurt when I wear them, only I don't wear them anymore, with Ben no longer nagging me because they were _very_ expensive; I wonder how expensive? Oh, my gold charm bracelet, I hadn't worn that for donkey's years; I forgot I had that. One of the first presents from Ben and heavy with all those charms, and gold was at a high level at the moment.... and those broken gold chains I had never had mended. Ben's Mum's ring she gave me. I think I'll keep my grandma's ring, it's so pretty, and I wanted to save it for my first granddaughter; no, not unless I need to sell it. I'll see what the others fetch first.

I got six thousand! Why hadn't I thought of it before? Climbing back into my car, I wondered what else I could sell. There was some furniture I had from the divorce, nice pieces, and antique. Not Lucy's style apparently, so that was lucky. I also had those old books I collected.

I drove straight to the scuba shop and bought all my scuba gear; an underwater light and even a diving watch and a small stills underwater camera; nothing special but it was a start. I'd ask Steve about video cameras; he had done underwater photography. He could tell me which would be the best camera to buy.

When I got home, I finished chopping up the vegetables for my stir-fry with exciting thoughts rushing through my brain, like a door was suddenly ajar into some world unseen before. I could rent a flat or something on the Mediterranean coast and work in a bar; after all Shirley Valentine did it, didn't she? I could rent out this house instead of selling it. The rent could pay for the accommodation in the Med. The more I thought about it the more it seemed the sensible thing to do in the circumstances. Although...I did long for a boat to live on _but_ I would have a house to come back to. Now I could definitely afford to go to Malta and Gozo; maybe I could see what jobs were going there. If I couldn't find a job there, I would have finished my courses and get myself an evening or weekend job here. I could save up some money, sell some more stuff and it would give me a start out there until I found a job. It would be winter by then, just when I needed to go.... but not so good for jobs.

That evening Sharon had two semi- glum companions for dinner; Karen couldn't get her business loan. Then Sharon told us that she had spoken to Samuel and he had spoken to some banks abroad that he deals with. He could easily get Chrissie and me any money we wanted and he was going to take us to lunch tomorrow on a barge in Lincoln city, to discuss it with us. He was such a sweetie, Sharon giggled.

I was a bit down that night so I picked up one of Sharon's paperbacks and took it to bed to read - snuggled up with another lovely man! The hero of this romance made love in the sea. Oh yes, how beautiful, I would love that; I'm sure that could be real, not just in a story. _He teased her mouth, her neck, down to her breasts, sucking gently at them as they lay in the water, him thrusting into her until she screamed with delight as an orgasm, along with a wave, swept over her._

Chrissie had asked for an extended lunch hour, which had not gone down too well with her boss. It made Chrissie even more determined to get her own salon. She was steaming when she arrived,

"All the extra hours I've put in that joint. I ran the place for nearly two years when she had her baby.... Oh Hi."

We all rolled up; it was so unlike calm, quiet, Chrissie.

"Well..." she said, as she slumped into her chair and ordered.

"It's a good job she doesn't know why you want extra time out," I said with a chuckle. "You sort Chrissie out first, Samuel."

The weather was ablaze and the water around the barge pooled like golden syrup. Oh, how I adored being on the water, or near water. I really did want my own boat.

Samuel was a whiz, no doubt about that; he explored Chrissie's ideas, and then came up with a business plan. By the time he had finished, we all agreed that at the right price Chrissie would be on her way to having her own salon.

Next, it was my turn.

"Have you considered a boat on HP or renting a boat?"

"No I hadn't."

Samuel tittered, "It is the most expensive way to loan money though, but some boat yards will offer HP and some hire boats. However, you could then rent out your house, instead of selling to pay repayments or the hire. Have you any idea how much it would cost to run a boat?"

"Ah yes, I know that. I've had a talk with Will, my RYA teacher."

"Well that's two options. Both in my opinion are better than you selling up."

"Yes, definitely." I felt happiness creeping over me.

"I think that the thing you should do first is seriously consider generating some income, you can't live on fish when you need some diesel. Maybe you can find some way for someone to sponsor you with your photography work"

I smiled weakly; mmm, that idea was airy, fairy, Ben would have said, like a fantasy as I needed to be good at photography. Maybe he was right; it was all a stupid idea.

"Hey don't give up on your dream," Sharon patted my hand, seeing my dismal face.

"No certainly not," Samuel flashed a smile and kissed my cheek.

He was so lovely; I could see why Sharon loved him so. There was something special about these two; they were more than lovers they were great friends. I envied their relationship. Maybe I did need something similar, but it may be hard to find.

# CHAPTER FIVE

### Panic and dreams

On Sunday, I booked my place to go to Malta and Gozo for the week with my diving group and, on the Monday evening, I booked the Plymouth 4 day sailing to get my practical part of my RYA certificate. I had only five weeks to wait.

After speaking with Samuel, as he had said my main concern was how to make a living, each night before I fell off to sleep it raced around my head, filling my thoughts like a merry go round. One thing I had settled in my mind was to save as much money as I could. After paying for my 'holiday', courses and diving equipment I still had a couple of thousand pounds. My aim became ten thousand. If I had two jobs from June, worked in the evenings and weekends, and sold some more things, I reckoned it was a realistic target.

A few restless nights later, I remembered Alistair my BBC contact, if only I could come up with an idea, as I had one day for Ben. Ben had written a book, it had taken nearly every evening since we were married for four years and it flopped. Ben was down for months, and near impossible to live with. As he did such incredible illustrations, I suggested he did a picture book for young children. He thought about it for a while but couldn't come up with a story, declaring he didn't like small, smelly children much. He certainly wasn't tuned into his own two kids! Therefore, I told him some of the stories I used to make up for our kids. The one they loved most was about a cat that had adventures in heaven, (after ours had died). I suggested he did a fabulous regal looking tabby cat, with exaggerated big yellow eyes and he sketched ideas around my story, then I tried to market it. This started up our sister company of printing and publishing, as we published it ourselves. I took the cat book round the playgroups and infant schools and it took off. Ben then did a second book. Another story I told him about - a mongrel dog that needed a home. It did so well that I managed to get a contract from the BBC to turn it into a small animated film, and Ben did the illustrations for that too. I discovered I was good at marketing and so it became another job for me. However, the profit from both books gave us enough money to buy the rambling house behind the magazine office.

Drifting into sleep I suddenly remembered the idea about a boating Med crawl again. I _could_ catch some of my own food, although I couldn't quite see myself in yellow oils; plus finding the best places to buy food and the best restaurants, and markets all around the Med! There was a lot on TV at the moment but not a woman on a boat! I could combine it with some documentary and take into account environmental issues under water, just like I had dreamed about! I could easily put a whole package together; I had done it before! Mmm, plus video link a blog while travelling and, at the end of my travels, a film and a book! Damn! I could market it by myself - but I needed sponsorship money to help live. I reckon if I presented it well and I wasn't bad at doing that, it could be the answer.

It would also be all my own work and I could take the credit. Ben had taken the credit over the children's storybooks, _and_ the money. I still feel miffed about it. At a promotional party, I overheard Ben boasting about his storytelling ability. I interrupted and said they were my stories, my ideas; Ben looked at me with his eyes glinting like cold steel and said I only suggested the storyline. When we got home, he went mad. He said I made him look stupid. I said he should have told the truth and given me some credit for a change. He was furious, calling me names and slept in one of the spare rooms for over a week; and I never gave him any more stories, and he never did another book.

Working on my idea early the next morning, I brightened like a child, whose broken toy had been glued together, my brain buzzing so I was unable to sleep anyhow; then I phoned Alistair, had a chat about it, and he was enthusiastic. I sent my presentation by email, and waited.... with my fingers crossed.

* *

On the following Tuesday Ben paid me another visit, with a bottle of wine _and_ flowers, oh no - I groaned inwardly.

"You don't go out Tuesday's," he said. "Or so I understand, so I thought we could talk."

"Did you?" I mumbled, swearing under my breath, arranging the flowers in water, while he opened the wine. "What about?"

"You - coming back to the mag; I'll pay you a third more than Jason and you would have no train fares."

Oh, I was tempted and he saw the hesitation. I could do with the extra money, but I began to panic, my thoughts yapping, growling like a pack of wolves; I would probably never have my dream. I'd be trapped, my boat started fading into shadow in my mind, I went cold.... as if a heavy stone had hit my insides.

Ben grinned while he watched my face, sipping his wine; his blue eyes glowing like moonlight. "You know it's a good deal and besides I've never liked Jason. He always liked you too much."

That did it! I turned towards him like a thundercloud.

"I told you before I have a job. I'm happy there."

"Why, something going on between you and Jason?"

"If there was it has nothing to do with you."

I saw his knuckles go white and, for a split second, I thought he was going to hit the wall. Previously, he had positively interrogated me about the men in both of my course groups.

Sharon had said. "He's jealous" and I had laughed. "I tell you, he wants his cake and eat it. You've always been his and he doesn't want you to have anyone else."

Was it true? The thought scared me even more. No, no, no, emotion surged in my chest like a tempest. I am not going back to that mag and be caught up in...

"OK, I'll double your wages," he slowly took another sip of his wine, peering at me over the top of his glass, his face crinkling with amusement and his eyes glinting with triumph.

I had become independent of sorts, and he didn't like it.... Was that why in the past he had abused my pictures, why he put me down with my photos, always criticising them...they always had something wrong with them. I always had something wrong with me too; even my cooking and housework were not good enough. When we were with friends, he would suggest he hadn't had sex with me for a while. I just used to laugh, usually from embarrassment, although it really annoyed me; he was all talk. If he saw me naked, he would give my breasts a quick touch up with a flick of his hand, as if I was a whore, with some flippant remark. He rarely took it further and I felt he no longer desired me, because I was not desirable any more, even before Lucy. No, I wasn't going back to feeling like that, feeling judged and left wanting and a failure. So why did I feel this alarmed, this panic-stricken?

"I have given you my answer. Now unless you have anything else to say, I'm about to have a bath."

"Well don't let me stop you," he raised an eyebrow, pouring another glass of wine. "How about I make you some dinner for when you've had your bath?"

He cooks! I didn't know he could. "Ben," I sighed. "Please, I would like you to go home to your _pregnant_ wife. I no longer belong to you."

He chuckled and a faint smile played round his lips. "Don't you?"

He thought I still wanted to be! The conceited arse!

I marched down the hall and threw open the front door. When he passed, he bent and kissed me softly, lingering on my cheek.

"I will get you to change your mind you know."

A shiver slithered down my spine and a worm of fear wriggled in my stomach. When he had gone I prayed, please, please, don't let me give in. Then I phoned Sharon and invited her out to dinner. Samuel had left that morning for Singapore; she was always a bit quiet when he first left.

On Thursday, Ben came again. Unusually, he knocked on the front door. When I opened it, I was surprised it was him. I didn't invite him in. I had my jacket still on as I had been to the supermarket and come straight in and was unpacking when Ben had rung the doorbell.

"I'm just going out," I lied.

"Anywhere interesting," he said as he made to go pass me into the hall.

I stepped to the side and blocked his way. "Not to you."

"I've got a new proposition for you."

"Not interested."

"Well it concerns your boat thingy."

I had that panicky feeling again.

"Not interested."

"I have seen a nice barge. It's all set up like a house and for sale. I could buy it and you could live on it."

Heat as fierce as flames swept up through my body with anger. Luckily, I was not interested in a barge.

"Look I'm going out. If, and when, I decide to work with you again, it will not be until late autumn. So come back then and ask. OK?" I hoped with a bit of luck this would give me some breathing space and I might even be gone by then.

"Mmm, I suppose I shall have to wait until then. Did you know Chloe was not going travelling now? She hasn't enough money?"

"No I didn't, but she's already booked and paid to go to India."

"Yes, after India. She has such a large overdraft to pay back, left over from uni."

"I thought you said you were going to take care of it."

"How can I, with the business failing. So don't leave it too long to come back will you?"

"So how were you going to buy me a boat?"

"I was going to mortgage my house."

**Our** house. I think I felt hate for him then. How could I have ever loved a man like this? When did he become so conniving, to emotionally blackmail me! A sense of fear ran through my nerves like the chill of an icy wind. He knew me so well; he knew I wouldn't let the kids down.

Slamming the door, vibrating it on its hinges, I grabbed the phone and rang Chloe. "What's this about not going travelling anymore?" I yelled down the phone. Oh, it was not her fault I was pathetic... and might go back to the mag.

"Well, Dad said he couldn't afford to pay my overdraft after all," her voice crooned with misery.

"How much is it?"

"About ten thousand pounds."

As much as I planned to save!

"Don't you have some time in which to pay it?"

"Well yes, but I can't save and pay back my overdraft, when I'm away travelling. I'm working all the hours there are now, just to get to India."

"How much was that?"

"One thousand pounds, Nan gave me that."

"Well, don't give up and don't stop saving. I may be able to help."

"Yes, Dad said you were going back to the business and would get it going properly again."

"Did he." I was doomed.

"I meant I might get a loan on my house and let you have some."

I could tell she brightened, even though she was at the other end of the phone. I could get her a loan on the house. Still rent the house out and maybe have enough for the payments of a boat on HP.

"Well you're going at the end of June to India aren't you? I should have the money by then. But don't tell your Dad or the deals off."

"Because you are still secretly planning this boat thingy?"

"Why does everyone call it a boat thingy, as if it is a whim and something I'll outgrow? I don't call it you're travelling thingy, do I?"

"Sorry," now she was laughing. "Does that mean you're not going back to the mag?"

No way, Jose! "Well, I haven't made up my mind yet."

"So why would you get a loan or a mortgage and worry yourself about paying it back?"

"For you of course; I want you to find out who you are before you settle down."

"What a weird thing to say. I know who I am."

Do you? I didn't; I was just finding out.

"Well I must go; remember keep saving and I'll let you know about the money."

"Thanks Mum."

"You haven't got it yet."

However, she knew she would. I have never let them down yet. Ben was relying on that! He just did not know _me_ now. I was not giving up my dream. Just don't let him come round anymore please, please, please.

* *

During the next week, I swung from determined, to wimp, half-afraid to come home in case Ben came round and I gave in. I phoned the financial advisor; I wanted a loan but for only ten thousand, for Chloe.

I realised I had always yearned to be near the sea, even when I thought I was happy with Ben, but now I wanted something else too, something that set my soul on fire and made me feel alive. I decided to sell some more things, so at the weekend I started sifting through a box of old books that I had bought just before Christmas from a car boot sale. The box had an old Peter Rabbit first edition in it. It was in poor condition, but I bought the box of books because of it. I love to collect first editions; I have several. Since my teens, I had gone to markets to collect books, and now they would sell for good money. I started sorting through the battered box to see what other books there were. Most were old, like worn out aged dogs that no one takes out for a walk. I fondled a brown calf-covered book, lifting it from the box; mmm, this was even older. My stomach twisted, and a rise of excitement started bubbling.... I knew that such a cover... I gasped when I turned it over not believing my own eyes; a Shakespeare first folio... I opened it delicately, leafing through it; nerves making my fingers tremble, sheets of paper slipped from it like angel wings and lay on the wooden floorboards as if they were lovers. Gingerly I picked them up, one was a letter, and others some notes all _signed_ by Shakespeare. Abruptly a feeling of heat, then coldness swept over me and I went clammy, this couldn't be real; it must be a fake. The more I stared and touched it; the more I knew it was no fake. If it were real, it would be worth a million, especially with the letter and notes.

Ohmygosh!

# CHAPTER SIX

### Money, money, money

The phone rattled as I half dropped it, and stood watching it rock back and forth in its cradle before settling, feeling completely numb. Dizzily I went upstairs, stood for a moment dazed at the top, and then ambled into the bathroom, turned on the taps, staring, as if from a distance, at the water cascading and bouncing onto the bright white enamel of the bath. I wandered into the bedroom, lay on the bed, got up, stepped to the cupboard, opened it, and wondered why I was there. Remembering, I grabbed a large blue towel, smelt the dinner burning downstairs, and bolted down the stairs like a hare, pulled the saucepan off the stove, and watched the smoke drift, curling, into the air. Cuddling the soft towel to me, I went back to the phone and asked Mum if she would like me to treat her to dinner out this evening.

"You sure you can afford it?"

"Oh yes. I'll pick you up about seven."

Mum was by herself this weekend. Mel, Keith and the kids, with the dogs, had gone to the New Forest, camping, until Tuesday. It was their first time away for nearly a year. Keith's firm had gone into liquidation last summer. That added to the previous awful Christmas.... Keith still unemployed, fearing they would lose their house; he didn't get another job until recently. They were still hard up, but now...

I picked Mum up and we had a gorgeous spaghetti dinner in Raphael's Dad's restaurant, with a bottle of expensive wine.

"I wondered if you would come with me to London on Wednesday."

"Oh, what's wrong with you? You've been so quiet all evening." Alarm written all over her face.

"Nothing's wrong," I laughed, clutching her hand. "I seem to have sold some books and letters at Sotheby's for just under four million pounds!"

"What do you mean, 'seem to have'?"

"Well, I took a book I found to them a week ago and they had it expertly authenticated - it was a real Shakespeare first folio, plus a letter and some notes. They had five bidders for the letter and notes and I sold a couple of other first editions and all my old books I'd collected in the past. With the commission they take, I'm left with nearly four _million_ pounds."

My Mum was speechless – for once!

She leaned back in her chair staring at me. "Why are we going to London?"

"To get the cheque; I have to go in person."

"Oh."

"Mmm."

"Shall we buy some champagne dear? I love champagne."

"Suppose they've made a mistake. I don't want to spend money I might not have."

"No; quite right too."

We sat quietly thinking.

"Was everything alright, can I get you anything else?" The waiter shattered the silence between us like a stone breaking glass.

"Just the bill, please."

Mum whispered. "When we get the cheque you can get me some champagne."

* *

In the train on the way back home, with the cheque in my bag, my head against the spongy tapestry chair, my feelings began to thaw. Mum was dozing; she had drunk l _ots_ of champagne! I asked for no publicity; I didn't want to be persuaded into putting money into the mag. Looking at the passing houses whizzing by and the speckled fields of bright yellow and green, shadowing under the dusky pink sky and turning slowly luminescent, my brain began to think, for the first time, about how I would spend the money.

"May I have a coffee?" I asked the passing waiter. We were in first class!

"Two please," Mum said, her eyes popping open.

Sipping our creamy, sweet coffees Mum said, "Have you thought about what you're going to do now?"

"Starting to; I'm not going to tell Ben; nor the children, or they will tell him."

"So...."

"I'll buy the children some houses and rent them out; Dad always said invest in bricks and mortar. They'll have them when I think it's the right time. There are bargains around now in the housing market. I also intend to settle Mel's mortgage and give you and Mel the rest of a million pounds.

"No I don't need that amount."

I made a face at her.

"And for _you_?"

"I'm going to buy a boat and travel round the Med for a while."

She stared at me with large liquid eyes; then her face erupted in a luminous smile. "Good for you. Dad and I thought we would go travelling; we didn't get far did we? He would have loved a boat."

"Why don't you come with me then?"

"Oh no dear, I might have some of the money though, and go on a proper boat."

"A proper boat!"

"A cruise, when Mel's twins are at school after September. She'll still only work part-time for a year until the twins settle into school, then she was going to go full time. She might never have to go full-time now," Mum giggled. "Of course I'd like Joyce to come with me but I'm not sure she could afford it."

"She is your sister; you could pay for her too, now."

"Yes, I could, couldn't I?" Mum said dazedly. "When are you thinking of going on this trip?"

"Well I need to find a boat first," I chuckled, wriggling in my seat like a small child.

We went straight to Mel's, both bursting to tell her my news. She had the same reactions as me. We weren't sisters for nothing! She stared at the cheque, mesmerized.

"Is it genuine?"

I nodded.

"Sure."

Keith grabbed it, staring at it in disbelief. "It looks genuine; after all it's from Sotheby's. Cor, Fran, you deserve this, you know."

"Thanks; I thought I'd settle your mortgage and then you and Mum could share the rest of a million. Just to spend. You could start your own accountancy business."

"Need more qualifications than I have"

"You can afford to get them now," Mel said.

"Yeah, s'pose," he answered with a wide grin.

"I shall be your first client. And I don't want any hassle with Ben, so I'm not telling Chloe or Joel yet. I would appreciate it if you didn't tell your children either in case they tell my two or it gets back to Ben."

"Fair enough," Mel said.

Keith nodded, "Yeah. He won't hear through us."

Mel put her slim arm about my shoulders, chuckling. "What plans have _you_ got?"

"I've decided to buy a sailing yacht and go travelling on it round the Med, diving, and whatever I please."

"A yacht! Wow! You have always loved sailing. Dad would have loved his own boat."

"That's what Mum said," I smiled towards Mum.

"I know it sounds cowardly but I'm going to carry on working until I'm ready to go. I know I should be stronger, but I don't want the kids, and especially Ben, to try to influence me about the money. The kids will get their share, when I'm ready."

They all nodded.

Keith said, "You'll need a solicitor. If it's OK with you, I'll get in touch with ours; she's good. I'll ask her to give you a call and act on your behalf with the kids' trusts and everything. She and I can manage your money."

Mel suddenly said, "Are you sure about giving us so much? The mortgage is a couple of hundred; that's enough."

"I am; if it was the other way round, you would do the same. And look how good you have been to me over the last eighteen months, despite your own troubles."

With tears glittering in her eyes, she said, "What else are sisters for? I hope you find lasting happiness now."

So did I!

The next day Jason asked if I felt better. I had told him I felt too ill to come in, with a bad stomach, yesterday.

"Yes thanks, much better; really well."

He stared at me for a long moment, "You look quite flushed. How many appointments have you got today?"

Flushed! I felt brilliant, like a star glowing brighter by the moment.

"Only one; about some advertising."

"Maybe you could go home after. You seem a little. ...just go home after."

I kissed him on the cheek.

I acquired the advertising contract and caught the train home. I collected my car and drove straight to the bank, and deposited my cheque. I had changed my bank after Ben and I split, which was just as well as the woman who entered it into the computer nearly had a heart attack when she saw it.

"I'll be back in a minute," she gulped and toddled off into the manager's office.

He came out with a smile, as large as a painted clown, on his face and invited me into his office. Well he would wouldn't he?

I was polite but impatient. All I wanted to know was when I could _spend_ some of it. He droned on about the usual amount of time for a cheque to clear etc. etc. He would waive the usual time, as it was Sotheby's etc.etc. The best way to invest for the best returns etc. etc. Why are bank managers so boring? However, overall I could draw on it straight away. Fancy that!

Eventually out, I drove to the offices of a new development of houses. It was a large estate, so I thought I would buy a couple of detached houses for the children and rent them out. Being new, I thought I wouldn't need to worry about maintaining them if I was not in the country. After looking round the show house, and noting the price, I decided I could afford two detached houses and two semi-detached. They all had a ten-year guarantee.

My sister's solicitor, Julia, had phoned me earlier, while I was at work, confirming she would act for me. Was there any doubt? I gave her name to the development office. That was the first thing off my list. When I reached home, feeling I had achieved the world, I made pasta, poured myself a glass of wine, and sat, rather smugly, enjoying it. Later I surfed the net for yachts and became aware that I needed someone to help me with choosing one. I would ask Will, my RYA instructor now it was all real! All real, all real, I sung to myself as I twisted the taps for my bath.

After a luxurious bath, filled with glistening bubbles, I slipped into bed and started fantasizing about a man with sea green eyes silhouetted against rippling desert sands, dressed in brilliant white flowing robes, on a magnificent white stallion. I started playing and massaging myself and my insides started to come alive. The sheik was kissing me tenderly now, sensations were building, I was nearly bursting, nearly, nearly, I climaxed; the sheik disappeared and I sank, satisfied into my bed, legs and arms spread-eagled. That was the first time I had masturbated since Ben had left me.

I started to sing 'money, money, money... it's a rich woman's world.'

About eleven the next morning, I was busy sorting out my diary and appointments with Jason when I had a phone call from Alistair Hail, my BBC contact. I'd forgotten about him. I raced back to my office making an excuse to Jason about some information I needed for the phone call. Alistair enthused about my idea and we agreed to meet for lunch tomorrow, my day off. Could my world get any better?

Suddenly I had a pang of guilt. I would be letting Jason down, and his publishing business wasn't going too well in this recession. I would make it a condition with Alistair that the book deal would be through Jason, which, as it turned out, he was quite willing to do. I also secured a second deal for two more books he wanted to have published with Jason. Luckily, Alistair was having trouble with his publishing contractor. He arranged another meeting, this time with him and his boss, who would iron out the details and have the final say.

So I felt happier about giving in my notice to Jason. However I had the weekend to go first, and I couldn't wait to see Chrissie; I had plans for her too. I hadn't seen or spoken to her for over a week as she had been away in London since last Friday.

It was just Chrissie and me at her house that evening, which was just perfect for what I had in mind. Sharon had jetted off three days ago to New York where she and Samuel had an apartment. Their twins were at uni in New York, and she had gone there to celebrate their birthday.

"Have you found any salon premises yet?" I asked over dinner.

"Well, we have seen something that's just right, and in a good location with plenty of parking. It's next to the Franklin's doctor's practice, you know, on that busy main road. I would probably have to sell this house or we would need such a large, unmanageable, mortgage. It's big enough to convert the upstairs to a two bed-roomed flat for Karen and me. The garden is so small at the back, but a big one in the front, which we could turn into the car park. But I'm loath to move away from this house; it has too many cherished memories." Shadows of emotions flashed across her face; haunting memories crept into her eyes, veiling their hurt.

Six months before I met Chrissie when Karen was only four, Chrissie's husband, her Mother, and her son, Scott, had died in a road crash. It was Chrissie and Nigel's tenth wedding anniversary and Nigel had gone to pick up Chrissie's Mum, (only twenty minutes away), so she could baby-sit for them. At the last minute, Scott scrambled into the car. He was only just seven. Chrissie's Dad had died four years earlier and Chrissie was an only child, so she had no one. I don't know how she survived it all, but she did. She says it was for Karen that she carried on and without her, she wouldn't have done.

I took her hand now and said softly, "How much is this building. I'll buy it for you?"

She looked up at me, glassy eyed, perplexed. "Nearly four hundred thousand."

"Oh that's fine," I said.... "I'll give it to you as a gift."

"Yeah, OK,"

"Seriously," I said, studying her face, "I've sold an old book to Sotheby's for lots and lots of lovely money. I'm a millionaire!"

"You haven't."

She thought I was joking. "I have."

"You haven't." she said again, gazing at my face as her expression changed like the rapidity of a kaleidoscope. "Oh my God, you have."

We jumped up, hugging each other, bouncing round the room like a couple of school kids. When we calmed down, I asked,

"Well, what makes these premises so fabulous? Tell me all about it?"

"You're not serious about buying it for me. Are you?"

"Yes I am."

"Well you can't. I won't let you."

"How are you going to stop me?"

"I won't tell you where it is for a start," she said like a spoilt child.

I rolled up with laughter.

"You already did! Ok, I'll buy it for Karen, you can't stop that; it would not be fair on Karen."

She thought for a second. "Half; you give Karen half and your two have a quarter each ...only the building though, the business is Karen's."

"Done; I'll put it in a trust for the three of them; I'll see my solicitor tomorrow."

"Ooh la de dah," Chrissie giggled.

"But I'm not telling the kids yet, so please tell Karen she can't say anything to Chloe; at least not until Chloe is travelling and I've bought my boat and gone. I don't want Ben to find out and the children might become...lazy. So tell me about these premises."

Next morning I met the solicitor, a Mrs Julia Johns. I liked her immediately; she was in her early fifties and dressed rather like me, in a black suit, and her streaked grey hair was immaculate. She was quick, efficient and soon had all the information and everything sorted to go ahead with buying the properties. Yes, she would represent me in any future legal necessities too. She would be in touch soon, and I left. No fuss, and no dithering; my kind of woman.

Chrissie had gone to work as it was Saturday, so Karen had been to the estate agents. She was still out with her friends the night before, when I left, so I hadn't seen her, but soon after I got home she arrived at the front door, all fizzling, and glowy, which made me smile, and she hugged me, giggling.

"This is a nice surprise," I said.

She just exploded! "Well I did it! Said I would have the place and would be paying cash. That's what Mum said, you're lending us the money, that right?"

I nodded and went to speak, but she bubbled on like a brook in full flow.

"You should have seen her face. It was such fun."

I knew what she meant.

"The woman thought I was joking. She sort of sniffed and peered over her glasses like a school ma-am."

"Do you want some lunch?"

"Yes please. It took me quite a while to convince her I was serious."

"I'm having tuna salad. That OK with you?"

"Fine. Then I said, didn't she need to get in touch with my solicitor and gave her the number you gave Mum. She just stared at me; like I was a freak! Oh it was great." At last, she perched herself on a stool, watching me cut up cucumber.

"Thanks Auntie Fran, you're the best," she said sounding as if all the excitement had drained her energy, but it hadn't as with a flourish she dragged some papers out of her bag. "I came round to discuss my plans and how much I think we can afford to pay you back each month."

" Mum hasn't told you, has she?"

Spreading the rustling papers out on the bench, I could see they were mostly design ideas to alter the premises, plus samples of wallpaper and material. Hmm, first things first, I see.

"What hasn't she told me?"

"That you don't have to pay me back anything."

Puzzlement crinkled her face.

"I'm not lending you the money. I've sold an old book I had, and it turned out it was worth millions. I'm buying the building and giving it to you, well half anyhow; the other half is an investment for Chloe and Joel. However, you will have all the control; they couldn't make you sell it. I have seen to that. However, if in the future you decide to sell it, then, half belongs to them. And the business is always yours...and your mum's."

She sat tall like a golden candle, in silence.

"You OK?"

"Oh Auntie Fran," she said. "I'm sorry about Chloe." She had tears shining in her eyes like dew, she flung her arms round my neck, and we held onto each other. I eventually let her go, patting her sagging back softly.

"It's not your fault." I grabbed a handful of tissues, for us both. "Let's have our lunch and you can show me your decorating ideas. By the way, I don't want you to mention the money I have to anyone, especially Chloe and Joel. Chloe thinks your mum and you are having a mortgage, so leave it at that, please. I have bought them both several houses, but I don't want them to know yet."

She nodded.

"It doesn't mean you have to lie. I wouldn't want you to do that. Just try to avoid the details."

After lunch, Chrissie phoned and we arranged for her to bring in a Chinese take-away after she finished work. Well you can't expect me to act like a rich person all the time. It obviously takes practise.

# CHAPTER SEVEN

### A new me.

It hardly stopped raining the following week, but I didn't notice. One day I set off to work with no coat or umbrella and was half way to the station when I stepped into a deep puddle and realised it was raining. I rushed back home, changed my wet shoes, and grabbed my Mac. However, hey who cared.

At the beginning of the week, I plucked up courage to tell Jason I was going to leave in the summer, probably late July. He persuaded me to come in one day a week in August to train someone until I actually left for the Med. He was, however, delighted for me and I think it was genuine. He had seen me very unhappy in the past and he was a nice guy. He was also more than chuffed when I added that I had negotiated some book deals for him.

Me, I was reeling from one great day to another. On Monday, at my RYA course, I asked Will about his help with buying a boat. On Wednesday, I told my diving pals the boat trip was on for definite and we started our route planning.

On Friday evening, I went to Sharon's for dinner. "Ben said my boobs were getting saggy; I was thinking of having them done now I've got some money."

"They're not," said Chrissie.

Nevertheless, I arranged with Sharon to go in late August to America and have my face 'lifted' and my boobs 'perked.' I had always thought Sharon had had hers perked, but I'd never said anything. When I mentioned I was thinking about it, she said it was the best thing she had ever had done...darling.

I also wanted Chrissie to do something with my long bushy hair.

"Well, I said a long while ago that you should have it cut shorter," Chrissie said.

"What like a boy's?"

"No, just below your ears."

"It will be one mass of tight curls; Ben always disliked my curls; that's why I drag my hair back."

"I think your curls are wonderful; I wish I had them," Sharon said, wistfully; she had straight hair.

"Oh Ben! Ben! Ben!" Chrissie stamped her foot. "Listen to yourself."

Startled I looked at her, but she hadn't finished. What had got into her?

"I'm fed up with what Ben says, or has said in the past. You're a very attractive woman with lovely hair and a great body, especially since you've been swimming. You have always had a natural beauty about you, even in the graceful way you move. In the past, while you were with Ben, I never said how he always put you down and criticised you, but not anymore. Now stop assessing yourself by what Ben thinks and let me cut your hair, now, this very instant. I'll get my scissors." Without waiting for my reply, she fled like a spirit from the room to her car.

So Chrissie cut my hair; I couldn't make up my mind if I liked it... Even if I didn't, I hadn't the nerve to tell this alien who claimed to be Chrissie.

Before I left, I asked Sharon for more of her romance books; that made her chuckle.

"Do people really do it on the kitchen table?" I had the nerve to ask at last.

Her eyes widened with surprise, "Of course, sometimes; or wherever they might feel like trying. You haven't?"

"No, only in bed, usually in the dark; not even in the back of a car," I knew couples did that.

"Oh, I always thought Ben was such a..." she gazed at my face, "Oh never mind. I'll drop some over tomorrow. What I call _realistic_ ones."

It seemed I might have a lot to learn.

Next morning I stood dreaming at the sink, when I saw Ben striding up the back garden like a storm trooper. He looked in a foul mood, and he was.

Shit, he's found out! Still what the Hell, I'm a millionaire and he is not getting a penny for _his_ company. My heart started galloping; he's not, not, not.... oh help.

However, Lucy had pranged his precious sports car!

"Well, you would never let me drive it."

"You're not being very sympathetic," he said, ignoring my comment.

I filled the kettle. "Tea?" I asked. He never drinks tea.... oh, such small pleasures with the power I felt, because I was rich.

"You know I only drink coffee."

"Oh, I forgot."

"Are you trying to upset me?"

_Who me_? - "Oh, I think you're upset enough," I said, trying to stop my lips twitching. I leisurely got two cups out and dropped coffee into them.

He gazed at me strangely. "You've cut your hair." It sounded like an accusation.

"Oh, good observation, Sherlock."

"Oh stop being a mouthy bitch. It doesn't suit you."

"What my hair?" I knew he meant being a bitch. "I quite like it; so do my friends." I poured the boiling water into the cups. He now sat calmly, yes calmly, watching me, watching him.

"Well," I said at length, breathing in the coffee aroma and swallowing a gulp. "What can I do for you?" ...As if I didn't know.

"You can come back _now_ to the mag," he scowled.

"Oh, that wasn't very gracious was it?"

He threw me a broad smile; he had lovely even white teeth, but then he had spent a fortune several years back at a cosmetic dentist.

"Please, will you come back to the mag, darling?

"No."

"I'll double your wages."

I lent forward with my lips wet and parting, "My, you're desperate," I purred. I was flirting with him, _actually flirting_!

Taken aback for a second, he glared, and then I saw the look of amusement sweep across his face and his eyes glowed like hot sapphires.

"Very desperate," he cooed, leaning towards me and gazing hungrily at my lips. I'm sure he would have kissed me, but suddenly I laughed; I couldn't help it; he thought he had me. "No," I said, jumped off my stool and put my cup in the dishwasher. "Finished your coffee?"

His eyes narrowed and a crackle like lightning entered them. "You know, I'm becoming very worried about you."

"No need."

"You still thinking of doing this boat thingy?"

I ground my teeth...boat thingy! "Might be."

"Well," he snorted. "I mean, how are you going to make a living? Not by taking photos or anything like that; you're not good enough. It just won't happen."

"That's what you think. What has it to do with you anyhow?"

"Your hair doesn't suit you either."

"Only in your opinion, which doesn't count anymore."

"I don't know why I come round here."

"Neither do I."

"Gosh you are a cold, twisted, miserable bitch. Always were."

Oh, he shouldn't have said that. Now I felt powerful!

"And you," I said, with silky, _cold_ calm, "are as warm as an icicle. I can't remember when you last cuddled or held me even before Lucy, including in bed. I had to masturbate so I could have an orgasm for my satisfaction, often while you were snoring beside me." Oh, how I had wanted to say that for a while!

He blinked, and then glared at me, his expression agitated like a storm tossed sea. I thought he was going to tell me Lucy thought otherwise, but he didn't. Maybe she was getting the plonk, plonk, bonk treatment, and had said something.

At length he said, "You need help, some form of mental help."

I suddenly got an attack of the giggles.

"You need to be committed," was his departing comment.

Yes! I was having a good week.

I stood musing in front of the hall mirror after Ben left, gazing at my cropped hair; I did look very different. Mmm, - **I** would like a sports car.... I had always wanted one... I couldn't make up my mind about my hair, it did make my eyes look big... but I had to have the sensible economical family car that I still had... Mmm, I could buy one now, although I would only have it for a few months, it was hardly worth the effort, and I didn't want to give a sports car to Joel; he might kill himself in it. Mmm, I flicked the curls at my neck, posing from different angles in front of the mirror... I had planned to give Joel my car when I left, for the Med. No, I'll still do that; give him my old car when I go. Mmm... I think I definitely do like my hair.

On Sunday, my diving friends wanted to know who the glamour girl was. In addition, on Monday, I got wolf whistles from my work colleagues; I was really beginning to adore my hair. So far, it was only Ben who hadn't liked it. He didn't matter now I was a millionaire.

I had forgotten that I had asked for a ten thousand loan on my house until the financial advisor phoned. I thanked him for his trouble, but said I had changed my mind. That evening I rang Chloe and told her I had her money; if she sent me the details, I would pay her overdraft. She sounded as happy as waves dancing on the sea and said she would be down the next weekend. I told her I would be away in Plymouth on my RYA course.

"How about the following weekend?"

"Sorry, I'll be in Malta, diving."

She curtly said, "You're still a busy woman then."

"Yes," I dismissed her sarcasm. "How about the following weekend? I'll come to you and take you shopping for clothes for India."

"No _I'm_ busy wrapping up things to go to India; besides Lucy is coming up, _we're_ going shopping; she wants some maternity clothes and I'm buying my clothes then. I'll be gone after that; I'm off at the end of June."

"I know." My, she has got so like Ben! If nothing went her way, she is nasty, just like him. _And_ Lucy was a nice touch Chloe; I didn't know my daughter was quite such a cow! And even after I gave her all that money! I know it was nothing compared with the money I had, but she didn't know that. I just couldn't win with her.

* *

I forgot Chloe and focused on going to Plymouth, the excitement sizzling inside me like a hot frying pan. The weather on the Friday morning, when we arrived, was warm, with a slight breeze that brushed the tops of the waves. Just right for sailing. There was only one other person, Ian, from my class and Will, but we picked up two brothers in Leicestershire on our way, and another two from Cornwall joined us on board. I was the only female so I had a cabin to myself. Hee, hee.

I stored my gear and went into the galley to have lunch, and we told each other a bit about ourselves. Sanji and Ali, from Leicester, were enormously funny brothers and had us in fits about how they came to buy a boat. They were the only two with a boat - sorry yacht! It's the length that determines if it's a boat, yacht, or ship, not that it floats on water!

Lunch over; we started out of the harbour. The sun was shining, the sky a radiant blue, the sea shimmering, and my heart singing. I immediately felt the freedom, the liberation that I had when I had been sailing with Dad. The boats Dad had hired were small and we usually went only on lakes, but once he had hired a sailing boat in France, and we had sailed round the coast for several days. It was the best of holidays. When Dad took my children and me sailing at home, Chloe had just become a teenager and after about a year, she was never keen on sailing; it spoilt her hair! However, Joel loved it as much as me and, with a whoosh of emotion, I wished Joel were with me now.

The next days were filled with hard work and exhilaration and I tumbled into bed each night exhausted, but brimming with happiness. On Saturday, we pulled into a marina where Will said there was a boat yard with some yachts for sale. He and I would just pop there while the others had some lunch. However, when my shipmates heard what we were up to they all wanted to come. So, what was meant to be about an hour turned into nearly two! We saw four yachts; but Will said they were not suitable. Too small, too heavy or too old and I didn't feel anything for them - a vital factor, according to Will.

"Like a house," he said, "you instantly know it's for you, it feels like home."

I came away disappointed.

The breeze turned to strong winds on Sunday; rain came in blasts, and there was doubt about us going out. I particularly wanted to go out in bad conditions, as I was sure the experience would be something I needed in the future.

"Well, put on your oils," Will grinned when he had finished on the radio and we all cheered.

That day was tough, but I learnt how to cope with wet slippery decks, icy iron hand rails and equipment, and cold, wet, rough ropes. As we sailed back, towards the harbour the wind died and the rain become light drizzle. I pulled off my hood and shook my head; the front of my hair was so wet, that trickles of water ran over my cheeks, like little rivers. I put out my tongue to taste the drizzle and Ali suddenly appeared and took my photo.

"Wow, are you beautiful," he grinned.

"Yeah, I bet," I said laughing.

"I want one of those," Will said, coming up behind Ali and glancing into the LCD screen. "It'll look great on our brochure advertising the courses; unless you have any objections, Francine?"

I thought they were sending me up for a moment, but for the last three days, all the men had been very complementary to me without flirting. I decided there and then to cancel my face-lift and boob perk. I was a coward anyhow, and the more I thought about surgery and the pain.... No, if I _ever_ found a man that I liked, he would have to take me as I am. Listen to me; I was at last thinking about another man! It was all due to my comrades, they were so terrific.... _and_ married.

"No I have no objections; I would be honoured."

* *

On the Wednesday after I got home, I had an appointment again with Alistair and his boss David Howard, to, I hoped, finalise the details of 'my project,' as Jason had started calling it.

"Dave," to his friends, he insisted, adored my food crawl idea combined with underwater filming of the environment and endangered species and catching some of the food ourselves. Also collecting Mediterranean dishes and cooking them on board with what we had bought and caught. (Mentally this was Raphael's bit but I hadn't asked him yet.) He also wanted me to do another programme alongside - a diary of my actual travels, with lots of on-land scenery. Two projects; two programmes; two books, and a whole load more money! I would have to put a small video clip on the Internet at least twice a week, so it would build up a following. In addition to buying my programmes, he would pay me for a film crew. He was also adamant, at the beginning that I had his underwater photographer, but I said I was the photographer or the deal was off. How brave was that?

"If you use my cameras; I don't want any crappy camera. The footage underwater needs to be good and clear. I'll give you a camera to take to Malta and you can take some footage there, and bring back the film for me to see. Then, if it's OK, you have a deal."

Fair enough.

I hoped Steve could show me how to use it, if I couldn't figure it out.

Then Dave discussed some of the ideas he had to enhance my travelling diary; festivals, history and culture, visiting friends and relatives coming on board; and _he_ wanted a few crises, for drama.

What! I hoped not.

"It depends on what you consider a crisis to be," Dave chortled at my horror. "We have to dress it up, bring in some tension."

Do _we_ ... I would have to think about that.

He would expect me to be finished by next July, to come back to England and edit with him in August, for the first food series in October; and the other programme would go out early the following year. The whole deal was better than I could possibly have imagined and would make me even richer! I felt proud of myself and I could hardly believe it.

That evening I was busting to talk with Dawn, Raphael, and Giles. I arrived at the pool early and pounced on them as they came in. I decided that they were going to be my 'film crew' and Raphael could help with the cooking. They would each receive a big wage and wouldn't need to save so much. We never got into the pool that evening; the four of us went straight down to the pub.

"I'm not that good at taking photos," Dawn said. "Are you sure?"

"I've done some videoing and put it on the Internet, clips, advertising my dad's restaurant and things."

"How about you Giles?" I asked.

"Well, I've only taken videos of you lot really, with that small camera I've got, " he grinned, " the one I annoy you all with."

"Well I can give you some help, and even set the shots for when you take them of me. I can give you some ideas and all you have to do is film me in a few, like a diary. We have a few months for you to learn. I'm going to phone Steve; he's done a lot of filming in the past and I'll ask him if he'll help me in Malta. I'm picking up the camera to take with me to tomorrow. But are you interested?"

They were, their faces beaming like beacons. I chuckled. "Also Raphael, we need a chef, someone willing to cook the food we catch and buy, and make it sound delicious. We'll put some of our own recipes on the Internet and some in the book."

"Just my thing, I'll enjoy that."

"Well, all we need is a boat then, now I have a sponsor."

I had agreed to work on the Friday because I had had all my entitled holiday and Jason was busy. I had an early appointment in the city centre with a client about the promotion of his book. After he had gone, I raced round the shops, buying clothes. All bright ones; I was fed up with black. Taking them home, I packed them straight into my suitcase, made myself a stir-fry and switched on my laptop to see if there were any yachts for sale in Malta.

On the third site, I saw two; one was too old, but the other was white, sleek, magnificent, and only two years old. I clicked on the details. There was accommodation for nine; two double cabins with queen size beds, storage cupboards; oops! I mean lockers, and a third with bunk beds. One of the double bedrooms had an en-suite with a bath and shower and the others en-suite with a shower. There was a galley with a hob, stove, microwave, large fridge and freezer, a dishwasher and a washing machine. The saloon had off- white upholstered settees and finishes in teak, with a flat screen TV and video, and a built in fireplace and a double bed that pulled down from the wall. Then there was a small study/office with another pull down bed, with several screens for underwater camera links. Talk about home from home; it was better than mine!

The deck was in teak with a shower and there was a floating platform for divers. The sails, anchors, platform and six man lifeboat were electronic as was everything else that could be, although manual was an option. It had two engines, an auto pilot, log speedometer, wind speed plotter, compass, battery charger with a large fuel tank and two large capacity water tanks; the list went on ...It had everything! It was a lot, lot more than I had imagined paying; what the heck, I could afford it. I felt a shiver go along my spine. I couldn't wait to get to Malta.

I hardly slept that night and was up early, pacing up and down like a sentry on duty waiting for the taxi bus. I was the third person to be picked up, but it felt forever. On the flight, I sat next to Dawn and Raphael. Unable to contain myself any longer I pulled out the photo I had downloaded of the yacht. "What do you think? It's for sale in Malta."

Need I have asked?

As soon as we landed, I phoned the agent and we arranged to meet at four o'clock on the quay. He gave me the address. Malta is a strange island covered with buildings overlapping the streets. Moreover, I couldn't make up my mind if they were falling down or being built; but everyone was friendly.

We settled in ours rooms, went for a quick swim in the pool, and had lunch on the terrace. I phoned Will, in England, and told him about the yacht, and asked if he could come over and see it, if I decided it was the one! I wasn't going to buy it without his say so. He hummed and hawed for a while, because Mandy his wife, had been nagging him about not seeing him recently.

"How about if you come next weekend, _with_ Mandy? I'll pay for both your flights and book you up in a five star spa where Mandy could have a massage on me, and all the other gubbins that go with such a package." So that was settled. He and Mandy would fly out next Friday night unless I didn't like the yacht.

Dawn, Raphael, and Giles were as excited as me; none of us could wait until four so we decided to go early to the quay and have a sneak look. The receptionist in the lobby said it was about fifteen minutes in a taxi and she ordered one for us. However, when we got to the quay the entrance had barrier bars across the road and a security guard, who wouldn't let us in without a pass or Mr. Bains the agent. We sat in the bar opposite, my stomach churning, listening to the whispering palm trees, and taking in the smell of the glittering, inviting sea. The minutes crawled by like years.

Mr. Bains looked quite shocked when I introduced myself. I realised it was probably how I was dressed; I should have worn one of my black business suits. Damn, why? I have the money. So I hitched up my tatty (and very comfortable) faded denim shorts, stuck out my chest under my bright red short cropped tee shirt and strode purposely forward in my cheap flip flops with all the dignity of a haughty cat.

As soon as I saw it, I knew it was for me, just as Will had said. It rocked gently in the water, dazzlingly white like snow in sunshine. When I walked up the gangplank and set my foot on its smooth varnished wooden deck, I was overcome with a feeling of deliverance. I had been in limbo land for so long.

The whole yacht was alluring, from the stern to the bows and I fell in love with it. The saloon was painted blond with leather off- white sofas and it was all light and airy. The master bedroom, mine...was large enough for me to walk easily round the queen size bed and the bathroom was nearly as big. The bathroom walls were in granite beige stone, with bright orange towels to match the different shades of orange in the bedroom furnishings. It was all made just for me, even the colours - everything! I giggled to myself. "When can I take her out then and see how she sails?"

"Take her out!" Mr. Bains exclaimed, his eyes wide.

"Yes."

He looked me up and down. He thinks I can't afford it, thinks we are pirates and going to kidnap the yacht!

"It'll have to be some time next weekend: we're diving all this week," I said casually, a smile flickering across my lips. "In the summer we're making a couple of films; this is my film crew." Giles, Dawn and Raphael nodded. "This yacht seems very suitable," I said airily, with a sniff. This was such fun, being rich. Still it was true; I am going to make films. Reality hit me; my dreams were no longer dreams! Mr. Bains' heavily lined face changed; I wasn't a nobody, wasting his time. He started to pay me more attention.

"Next weekend, yes, Saturday. I'm sure that can be arranged."

Of course, it could.

The next morning we went diving. At first, I got the panicky feeling, looking for sharks, but within a minute of being under the crystal water, I was fine. Well I should hope so if I wanted to become a diver, but it had been over three months since I had dived in the sea. We all went in threes, I was with Steve and Giles and I only had my digital stills underwater camera with me, as I wanted to concentrate on my diving.

However, soon I was clicking away; as Steve was soon reassured, we would be OK. He was the person in charge and responsible for us both. We had to keep together and in sight of each other, which was easy in the clear water. The undersea world of Malta was not as impressive as the Red Sea, the fish not so colourful. Because it was our first dive we were not very deep, and we trailed the rocky shoreline. Some rocks had amazing plants growing on them that looked like grass meadows, with urchins, sea slugs and a floating zoo of small creatures. I thought I'll have to buy a book on fish and plants in the local shops tonight. I had no idea what I was looking at!

There were holes, like deep caves, too dark to see inside so I wanted to explore them, but Steve signalled me not to go into them, doing mime to indicate there could be a large octopus, and suggesting it would get me round the neck. I never thought of an octopus being around! I shivered; ...wasn't it squid that grows to an enormous size? I'll get him back for that! He spoilt my enjoyment for a minute or two as I followed close to him. Then I could see he was joking with me, so I hit him and he twisted so quickly almost like a fish, came up under me, and grabbed my leg, like a long legged octopus. It had the desired effect though, and made me laugh, - well as much as you can laugh in a diving mask, and I felt at ease again. Later I got my revenge by telling Laura and she gave him a real telling off. He responsible! They were a great pair and I was only sorry they were not coming on our trip. Laura decided she was going to take me down, instead, in the afternoon around a wreck. Wicked!

After the intriguing wreck dive, we had a BBQ on the small beach belonging to the diving club here. Steve and I investigated Dave's camera together, he giving me some good tips about light, depth, and movement etc. He was _very_ interested in 'helping' me to use it and the next day I started my filming.

I took footage of fauna, fish, and the horrible scary creatures that were my diving gang and Steve took some of me. In the evening when we reviewed it, we were all in fits of laughter. I had taken some good silly film of my friends twisting, and flipping from peculiar angles; in the dappled light, they looked half fish, half-human, and weird! I hoped it was the kind of humour Dave wanted.

The following day we were up early and went on the ferry to Gozo for four nights. The island was beautifully different from Malta and I loved it there. We logged up our diving and I felt as confident in the sea as I did on the land. Wasn't that what Harry had promised? I also took more footage underwater of Giles, Raphael and Dawn as they swam amongst a wreck, with shafts of sun and shadows making it all appear mysterious.

I had cancelled my flight home on the Saturday, and had booked Will and Mandy into a classy Spa hotel from Friday for two nights, and me for the Saturday night and flights home on Sunday night. I joined them early Saturday morning and while Mandy went off for her day of pampering, Will and I had a day on 'my' yacht. And what an incredible day it was. Will agreed with me it was the yacht I needed, light to use and easy to manage, even by myself. Me! It was the yacht of my dreams and then some. Will had also made tentative arrangements before he left England for a marine surveyor he knew who was good to come next weekend. Mr. Bains agreed but said the owner of the yacht could not get to Malta until the middle of July to 'sort out' the yacht and sign it over. A whole five weeks...before it was mine!

# CHAPTER EIGHT

### Everything in place.

On the Wednesday, after I arrived home, I went with Jason to the International Printers and Publishers Fair. This was one of the trade's biggest events, with exhibitors from all over the world. I knew that Ben and Matt would also be there. On the Friday in Gozo, Laura and I had gone shopping and I had seen a cream suit and with Laura's encouragement tried it on. The dress fitted perfectly and the skirt was short and showed off my tanned legs. The jacket went in at the waist and I looked 'curvy', Laura said. So, I bought it especially for today. I wore pearl earrings, and strappy cream sandals. I looked smart but softer with my hair curled tantalizingly about my face. I decided to never where black again and even if Ben didn't like my hair, everyone else did.... including me.

The vast hall was buzzing with knots of people and Jason and I were continually speaking with folk until I decided I had to find the loos.

"My goodness you look great! I hardly recognized you," Jane Harrison said as we literally bumped into each other round one of the stalls as I came back towards ours.

"Oh, hallo Jane,"

"Well, hallo you; what's this makeover all about?"

I laughed. She marketed books for a large publishing house in London, and she was often one of my 'rivals'.

"I just got fed up with the old me."

"You look ten years younger, and prettier."

"Thanks." Embarrassment swept over me.

"Look," she said conspiratorially linking her arm in mine and dragging me away from the stand. "I was hoping to see you. I hear on the grapevine you are leaving Jason. Is that right?"

"Yes, as soon as I can find someone else for the job."

"How about me?"

"You?" I said surprised; she would be ideal; she was the best around.

"Well, since I've had Ian, (her youngest) Charles (her husband) has had a promotion. And Elly, (her eldest) seems to need so much attention that I'm finding going to London every day tiring; not to mention my poor old Mum having them both and I hardly see them. And Elly is becoming so interesting now and she'll be off to school before I know it."

"You want my job!"

"Well, yes; you said you only work four days and Jason's place is just round the corner from where I live: no fares, no train delays and I could go out later and get back home sooner. It would be perfect for me."

And me! I could leave earlier (no training needed) and now I had my boat and plans in place I was regretting telling Jason I would stay until the end of August.

"I think the money might be a lot different. Jason's business is not as big as the publishing house you work for."

"Well, probably, but I wouldn't have any fares or parking or even petrol costs; I could walk to work, unless I needed my car for appointments or meetings. The work should be less, Jason's business being smaller, which is another bonus."

"Why don't you ask him then, he's on our stand."

"Well, I wanted to check you were leaving first and wondered if you would recommend me."

Recommend her, was she kidding? "How much notice do you have to give?"

"A month, but I'm due some holiday if I'm required before that."

That would make it the middle of July; great.

"Let's go and find Jason. I think the job's yours, unless the pay is not enough."

I had a quiet word with Jason as Jane hovered close by; he was all for her. The job was hers if the wage was OK. I decided to leave them to it, and went to find the restaurant. I was just finishing my lunch when Matt and Ben came in. I tried to turn my back hoping they wouldn't spot me but I was too late; Matt had seen me and when he did, his jaw dropped open. I hadn't seen Ben since our 'disagreement' about my mental state.

"My," Matt dribbled, "you look wonderful. Very..." he sighed, "tanned," reaching me before a trailing uncomfortable-looking Ben.

"Thanks; I've just got back from diving in Malta."

"Diving! I didn't know you dived," he said sitting down and leering at my legs in my short skirt.

"I didn't; it's a new hobby."

"It suits you," he bent close to me and whispered, "and is good for you by the look of it," just as Ben reached us. "Diving, did you know she did that?" Matt turned to Ben.

"Mmm, yes," he growled and started on his roast dinner.

"Jason here?" Matt asked, trying to break the uncomfortable silence.

"Yes."

"She, (whose that the cat's mother?) reckons one day she's going to live on a boat in the Mediterranean and take photos," Ben spat.

Matt and Ben laughed about that.

I let them.

Then Jason and Jane came into the restaurant; Jason said something to Jane, she nodded and headed for the counter, and he came over to us.

Oh no, I gulped, Jason will tell them I was leaving. Stop it! - Ben with his ego will think I'm going to work for him!

"What kind of boat and photos?" Matt said amused, breaking into my panicky thoughts.

"Oh, the usual," I said airily and they both chuckled again, just as Jason joined us.

"What usual boat or usual photos?" Matt asked sarcastically.

Before I could answer, Jason spoke.

"She has a film deal with the BBC. Isn't that just great?" he said it with pride in his voice and I could see he was enjoying every moment of telling Ben.

Ben went pale, his eyes did that dance of going different shades of blue, and Matt looked like a man that had been struck by a bolt of lightning.

Wide-eyed with wonder Ben said, "You never told me; what kind of filming?"

"I'm doing a series on food in the Med," I let him soak that up. "And another series - Three hundred days round the Med. on my travelling experiences around the Med."

"Two programmes!" Matt exclaimed.

"Yes...two series actually." I was beginning to get my confidence; what could Ben do about it? I had sent the film on Monday first thing and received an email Tuesday evening asking if I could sign on Friday. Besides, I was a millionaire. I was rich. I was tempted to tell them for a second, so wrapped up in my glory, but I stopped myself. I hadn't escaped yet!

So smiling sweetly, I said. "It's my turn on the stand; I'll go and relieve John, so he can get some lunch," pushing my empty plate away I rushed off.

That evening I went from London to Raphael's Dad's restaurant, without going home. I know it was cowardly but I was tired and couldn't face Ben and his bullying, and I felt sure he would be round. The 'film crew' and I had agreed to meet there anyhow and, over dinner, we got down to serious planning.

In bed that night, I read about another man, who was rich and sexy, who owned half the world and did amazing sex, giving women orgasm after orgasm. Mmm, was it possible to get that many? I had trouble trying to achieve one. However, I did feel very sexy lately and these paperback books made me wonder if I might have missed quite a lot in my marriage bed. Draping the book on the bedside table, I started fantasizing about my sheik, massaging myself until I had a spasm and I sank, limp, curled up with a smile on my face.

* *

I was proved wrong about Ben; I never saw him. As it neared the end of June, I arranged for Chloe to have an allowance each month while she was in India; the organization was paying for her food and accommodation. When she started travelling, I doubled it for up to a year. It would come from the rent on her houses anyhow. Then, on the Friday, I drove to London and booked a hotel room near where she lived, determined to see her. Early on the Saturday morning I knocked on her door. Rachel opened it peeping out with a bleary eyed, dazed expression.

"Chloe didn't say you were coming," she mumbled hoarsely. Then she remembered her manners and hugged me. "It's lovely to see you. You look very well."

"I'm a surprise for Chloe."

"She's not up yet; would you like a coffee? I'll put the coffee on, and go and wake her."

Chloe didn't think it was 'lovely to see me,' especially when she saw what I was wearing. Ambling through the kitchen door her first words were, "My goodness Mum, what have you got on?"

I had dark blue jeans on with a pale blue, scooped neck tee shirt. I never used to wear jeans; Ben never liked them. Most of the world wore jeans and tee shirts; why couldn't I? "Well, hallo Mum," I said.

"Mmm, Hallo," she strolled slowly over to me and pecked me on the cheek. "Want some breakfast?"

"No thanks; I've had mine. I'll cook you some pancakes if you like," I said, as Rachel came back in and poured the coffee.

"Oh pleeease," she grinned before Chloe answered.

We drank our coffee and the girls had a shower and got dressed. Rachel in jeans!

"You've had your hair cut. Looks very stylish," Chloe said.

I dished up the pancakes. "Thanks; Chrissie insisted on doing it. I wasn't sure but now I rather like it."

"It makes you look much younger; in fact you look more like Chloe's sister."

"Thank you very much," Chloe snarled.

I laughed, "I thought I'd take you to lunch, maybe go shopping, and buy you anything you haven't managed to buy for your trip."

"I've got everything," she muttered; then saw my determination. "Well except for a small wireless notepad laptop. They're a couple of hundred or so and it's a bit of an extravagance. Thanks all the same."

"Well I'll buy you one; do you want to come and choose it and come out for lunch?"

She glanced at me again, a puzzled frown crossing her face and shrugged. "Yes, OK."

It took her several stores to make up her mind! At first, it was a question of which was the best laptop, but we eventually bought a pink one because of the colour! And a pink case to carry the notepad in and a camera! Then, passing a dress shop, I saw a duck egg, cotton dress in the window. I loved Chloe in blue; it made her blue eyes even more startling. "Would you like that dress?" I said. "It would be cool to wear in India."

She nodded and we went into the shop where she tried it on, twirling round in it. She looked captivating.

"If you spot a man you like, you wear that and he will be lost and your slave," I grinned. She giggled and gave me a hug.

About time!

Over lunch, I told her about the allowance. "It comes with conditions though."

Her lips went tight and she rolled her eyes. "And they are..."

"You're to text me _every_ week, telling me if you are OK and maybe something nice that happened, or you did, or saw, that week."

"Fair enough."

"And if you _ever_ need anything telephone me; anything, do you understand?"

"Yes, and will you let me know if anything happens to you? I hear you're definitely going round the Med, doing some television programme."

Ah, Ben.

"Yes, I told you I was."

"I didn't think you meant it. I thought Dad would make you see sense; he said he would. You must have taken a large mortgage out to fund me and yourself."

"I've arranged for tenants to pay a decent rent." This was somewhat true: I had a couple to rent my house, and I had finalized the four houses I had in trust for her and Joel, with tenants lined up for them.

When we got back to her place, she showed me the details of where she was going in India and told me about her plans for travelling after. Rachel was staying in England while Chloe was working in India, then she would meet her there. Together they would travel round India and then go on to Australia, where they intended to spend Christmas with Rachel's cousin. After Christmas, they would make further plans. It sounded as exciting as my plans did. I left a happy Chloe and as I hugged her, I said,

"Please promise you'll be sensible and careful and promise you'll come back in one piece." I had tears in my eyes; she saw them, and for the first time in nearly two years, she showed me some concern for how I was feeling.

"I'll be OK, don't worry. I'm a big girl now," she said as we held each other tight.

"I know, but not to me you're not."

On the train back, I burst into tears; what was the matter with me? She was going to have a ball and so was I. I think the roller coaster of this year had caught up with me, but I knew the best was to come... wasn't it? For her and me. Suddenly I was unsure - the risk, the diseases she could catch, the thought that she would be so far away. I even felt in two minds about my dream. Would I be able to do a good job? Ben said I was no great photographer. Why didn't I just travel round the Med without the pressure of making programmes? I had the money to do that now. The journey was filled with shadows of uncertainty until I opened my front door. I smelt the dark hollowness that this house had always emitted to me. No.... I wanted something to make me feel alive, set my soul on fire, and my boat was it.

Joel came the following weekend, staying for a week before he went to Cornwall for the summer. I only went to work on the Monday to show Jane my procedures and files. She soon picked it up and I said I would be in next Monday and Tuesday to introduce her to some of our authors and advertisers. Then I would be off to Malta to finalize the buying of my yacht. Joel had managed to stay with Chloe for three days and saw her off at the airport. I had wanted to go too, but she was adamant she didn't want me to. I found out from Joel it was because Ben with Lucy had already said they were going. I was angry about that; why couldn't we have both been there to see our child leave?

However, Joel and I had a lovely week. The weather was hot and Joel taught me how to fish, laughingly saying, "If you're supposed to catch your own, shouldn't you know how?"

I supposed I should. So, I learnt to fish. I can't say I enjoyed it; I felt too sorry for the fish, gasping for breath or swaying at the end of an ugly hook. When it came to gutting it and it stared at me with bleak dead eyes, I was hopeless. I had to cover the eyes up before I could cut into it and, when Joel found out, he rolled about with laughter and, with a swipe, he had cut of their heads. But I couldn't eat them when I'd finished anyhow; I only hoped Raphael could cut them up, - I would rather starve.

On Wednesday, I took him to meet my friends at the pool and I asked him if he wanted to do some scuba diving, which he did. He enjoyed it so much he said he would have to join us, maybe at Christmas. I was thrilled. Then we went to the restaurant and ate pasta, he listening to our chatter about our trip. We had a good evening and he liked my friends and said he felt happier about me going now he had met them. The week ended too soon; before he left, I gave him my car.

"Why now? You're not going for several weeks."

"Oh, I'll manage," I could get a taxi. "And I'm going to Malta on Wednesday to sign the papers for the boat. I'm going to live on it for the week."

"By yourself!"

"Yes, I like my own company nowadays. I'll be fine."

"Will you take it out by yourself?" His eyes swirled with worry. "No, probably not." I hadn't made up my mind. "But I am able to sail it well and when you come and visit me you'll see."

Then I gave him money for his holiday in Cornwall.

"Mum," he protested. "I've worked in the evenings and weekends and saved. That's why I don't get home much."

"Well, I don't want you working in the last year of your degree either. On the first of each month there will be the same amount put into your account until you finish, but I expect you to study and work hard and pass, and text or phone me regularly."

"Mum, how can you afford it?"

"Well I'm getting lots of money for the filming programmes and a book deal," It was true I was, "and when you want to come out to me just phone and I'll send you the flight fare."

He whistled, "Gee Mum, I'm glad you're doing so well, not just because I'm reaping the benefits," he added quickly, smirking.

I knew that.

# CHAPTER NINE

### Boy is that sex?

After a delay at East Midlands airport, I eventually flew into Malta about four. I had booked two nights at the plush hotel near the quay. I grabbed a taxi, had a shower, and wandered along the promenade outside the hotel. The light was just fading and the smell of the sea was wonderful. I wanted to jump up and down like a kid, I felt so free. I yearned to see my yacht, but knew I would have to wait until morning. I was going to meet Mr. Bains and the owner, an American called Paul Townsend, at ten on the yacht. I had insisted that Mr. Bains send me an inventory, at Will's insistence, after Mr. Bains had told us the owner wouldn't have time before July to come and sort his 'stuff.'

I explained to Mr. Bains, "I don't want Mr. Townsend's 'stuff' consisting of leaving me without life jackets or the outboard for instance. He can take anything like cups and glasses, but I really want to know what he has left, before I sign."

"Oh quite, quite. Yes. I'll get Mr. Townsend to make a list up and we can check it together. Then if everything is agreeable we will go to the solicitors and Mr. Townsend can give you the keys etc."

The evening air was warm and people were settling down to eat at the numerous restaurants. I drifted in and out of them until I found one I liked, on the beach at the side of the sea. I sat on the terrace, with the delicious smell of garlic and herbs floating in the air and the hissing of food being cooked, watching people pass by, listening to the hypnotic lap, lap of the waves. My dinner was excellent, salmon in a lemon sauce, and I treated myself to half a bottle of expensive wine. Well I had to get used to this rich lark, didn't I? It was dark as I made my way back to the hotel and, instead of going straight up to my room; I ordered a brandy cocktail in the lounge. I was pleased with myself, feeling so...confident being on my own. I keeled over into bed, either through tiredness or the drink; I 'saw' my yacht and myself sailing into the wind, as I drifted into sleep, with the orange sunset and the golden sun sinking into a perfect, golden sea.

I dressed carefully in the morning; no shorts! Wearing my cream dress and pearls (it was too hot for the jacket), and with the Gucci handbag borrowed from Sharon (that went so well with my high-heeled shoes), I looked, in my opinion, every inch a millionaire.

As the taxi stopped alongside the yacht, (Mr. Bains had given the security guard my name), a man wearing a white tunic shirt and white trousers appeared on deck and glanced my way.

Ohmygoodness, my sheik!

I somehow thanked the driver and stepped out. My sheik immediately came to the gangway and introduced himself, - _and_ he had green eyes – I was in Sharon's paperback!

"I'm Francine Martin; nice to meet you."

"Francine: what a beautiful name for a beautiful lady." He took my hand and kissed it!

A tremor rippled around the nape of my neck. Maybe I've died and gone to heaven or I was still asleep and dreaming.

"Please, call me Paul."

Of course his American drawl was not sheik-like and his hair was far too light, a sort of brown with blond highlights. Oh, but he was delicious! Gloriously good looking, with the most enticing lips. He gave me a glass of freshly squeezed orange; I took it and sat on the sofa, crossing my tanned legs. I was still functioning then. He gazed at me, taking in my long legs, as I idly stroked the teak wood beside me.

"You... like my yacht then?" he said, his smile suggesting another meaning... I think; as his deep green eyes flicked my body, before he focused briefly on my hand. When I looked up at him, he seemed startled for a moment, then uncomfortable and nodded in the direction of me lovingly slipping my hand across the side panelling - as if it was maybe.... him; or was that my imagination too? Oh heck! I wasn't prepared for this now, if that is, I ever was; I had never had to practice the art of flirting. I suddenly wished I had Sharon's talents. I smiled, giving him a sexy, sultry look from underneath heavy lashes; no, not really, that's how they do it in Sharon's paperbacks. I only wish I could.

Instead, I answered rather weakly, like a silly, infatuated schoolgirl. "I love wood," gulp; think of something that sounds as if you have a brain. "It's so beautiful," Oh help, "the grains and patterns; you couldn't design them like nature could you, even if you tried." Oh how lame that sounded ...

I saw an amused, then puzzled look fleet across his face. I expect he thought he had a right one here.

Luckily, Mr. Bains turned up, rescued me, and got straight down to business after apologizing for his lateness. He took the inventory that Paul offered and ticked off the things as we went round. We started with the deck and worked down. Paul had left everything that I had seen before, including life jackets! Plus the crystal glasses, fine bone china crockery and even the orange towels that matched the bedroom. What 'stuff' had he taken?

"Why are you selling the boat?" I asked when we had finished.

"Oh, I've got a racing yacht and that seaplane there in the bay," Paul said, pointing to a prestigious seaplane rocking gently a couple of metres away. "I find this yacht too slow really; I discovered I was not the sort of person to sail endlessly about."

A seaplane _and_ another yacht; this man oozed serious money.

We went to the solicitors and I signed the papers that had been sent to me in England, and which Julia had checked.

Sea Spirit was mine.

"Can I drop you off at your hotel, or your yacht?" Paul chuckled.

"Well I'm going back to the hotel to change, and then I shall explore my yacht."

It turned out we were both booked into the same hotel. When we arrived in the hotel lobby, he asked me to join him for dinner that night and I accepted.

"Seven thirty in the restaurant then." He took my hand holding it delicately in his slim long-fingered hand and kissed my fingertips, this time sending delightful sensations up my spine.

It wasn't until I got up to my suite and flung myself on the bed, smirking and clutching the ownership papers to my chest, that I realized I had only the cream dress I had on to wear that evening. Eeeek. I looked at my watch; just gone one. I scrambled up and changed into my _comfy_ shorts, grabbed my bikini and a towel, stuffed them in my bag and rushed out to the shopping centre - well souvenir centre really. Most of the shops had holiday sundresses! Mmm, not the sort a millionaire would wear for a date with a man that made her money seem meagre. Dispirited, I decided to forget the date and visit my yacht; I couldn't wait any longer. I doubt if he would live up to the orgasm I got when I masturbated anyhow.

Oh, was I thinking of sex? Sharon would be proud of me.

Nearing the quay, there were a few more shops, more up market, I suppose, because of the rich people who docked here. I went into the first shop and saw a deep burgany dress that went well with the colour of my hair. It was in silk with some sort of chiffon on top; it had little string straps and a low cut bodice with delicate beads around the edge.

"Could I help you, madam?"

"Yes, I would like to try this dress, please."

It did look good; the price outrageous. I 'saw' children starving in my mind. How could I justify that amount on a dress? I decided I could if I gave the same amount to Chloe's orphans that she was working with. Maybe, I drifted, I should also give regularly to some charity with all this money I had and was getting for my programmes and books. Justified in my mind... I bought it.

I slipped onto my yacht, wandering round it three of four times, loving the feel of the wooden deck under my bare feet. I realized my stomach was rumbling from hunger, so I glanced into the fridge; Paul had said he had left the fridge full and he wasn't kidding! I pulled out some fruit and cheese and poured myself a glass of wine. I changed into my bikini, took my cheese and fruit up on deck, and sat on the sunbed; hmm, he had even left four of those, too. I gazed about me at the neighbouring yachts and boats. This was the life. Finishing my late lunch, I lay with my eyes shut, soaking up the sun. Utter peace crept over me.

Back at the hotel, I made myself a tea, turned on the bath water, tipped soap bubbles into the water, and watched them sparkling. When my tea was made, I sank into the white, glistening foam and drank my tea slowly. Pure decadence! When the water started to cool, I washed my hair under the shower and cuddled myself in the thick velvety bathrobe that the hotel had provided. I liked this rich life. Who said money doesn't buy happiness?

In the lift as it glided down, I started to get the wobbles. What was I doing? It was obvious, wasn't it? We were going to spend the night together. Was I? - What if I am cold like Ben said and no good at sex? Well I didn't have to go back to his room or anything, did I? I don't have to go to dinner with him either, except drifting in my mind were those green eyes.

The lift stopped and my heart jolted up to my throat.

Oh God, just keep walking, just have dinner. I'm not ready for sex. Sex! I went towards the hotel restaurant; he could be kinky, into bondage, be a murderer, he....

"Good evening," Paul said coming up behind me and grasping my waist.

"Aaarr," I jumped.

"Sorry; are you Ok?"

"Yes," I said hoarsely. I cleared my throat. "I was thinking about...something."

He smiled; his teeth were so even, white and more attractive then Ben's; he was wearing an exquisite cream silk suit and I could smell the aroma of his aftershave.

"Something nice, I hope. You look delicious, good enough to eat," he grinned, caught hold of my elbow and steered me towards the headwaiter. "I've arranged for us to sit on the terrace; it's lovely and warm tonight and moonlight is so romantic."

Why was my tummy doing summersaults?

"Good evening Mr. Townsend, it is pleasant to see you here again on our island."

"Thank you; is my table ready?"

"Yes sir; if you would like to follow me."

The table was stunning; flowers, specially ordered, were floating with candles in a bowl, the effect was dreamy and their scent heady, and as I sat down I thought I was definitely asleep in my fantasy...no it was never this good.

After we ordered our food and a bottle of champagne, Paul said, "Now tell me more about the filming Bainsy said you're going to do, and need my yacht for."

"My yacht."

He threw back his head and laughed, "Oh yes, it is. I might be interested in what you are up to. I own a television network and film studios, apart from other things."

My heart dipped, or was it relief? He was interested in my work!

I relaxed after that, and told him all about the two programmes. He was amusing, and oozed charm and we laughed lots; and he insisted I talk to David about his interest in buying the programmes for America. He went to pour out a third glass of champagne for me, but my head felt kinda swirly. I put my hand over the top of the glass.

"Are you trying to get me drunk? I think I've had enough"

"Do I need to get you drunk?" he cooed softly, leaning towards me, and I gazed into his green eyes.

' _His eyes were as green as the ocean_.' I recited in my head from Sharon's book; it struck me as funny and I got an attack of the giggles or was it nervous hysteria. Was he flirting with me?

"How about a brandy?" he asked, and not waiting for my reply, ordered two.

While drinking it, he suddenly reached out a slim, well-manicured finger - the things I notice - and traced my lips gently with it.

He did have other intentions!

My tummy was off again. I downed my nearly finished brandy in one go.

"Do you like chocolate?" he asked.

What girl didn't? Of course, I realised later he knew that.

"Mmm, yes." I said dewy eyed, gazing at his sensual lips. The brandy had reached my not so steady equilibrium and that was before I stood up!

"Well, I have an adorable chocolate liqueur in my suite; would you like to taste it?"

"I would." I rose slowly, as if I could do grace itself, and walked, him holding my hand, tall and dignified, out of the restaurant. When we got into the lift, there was a magnetic animal tension between us. He ran one of those long fingers of his down my spine and I quivered.

Opening the door to his suite, he let me pass, and then pulled me towards him, slamming the door with his foot. His mouth fully on mine, he pushed me backwards through the sitting room to the bedroom, our lips locked.

"I want you naked," he muttered and somehow, just before we fell onto the bed, he had unzipped my dress and lifted me up out of it. In the next second he had my lips parted, and was nearly sucking my tongue out! Then he slid his mouth down my neck as he undid his shirt and slipped out of his trousers in one smooth movement.

This man is an artist!

Whispering into my ear he said, "I thought you weren't wearing a bra."

If he does the plonk, plonk, bonk, I will scream; it will make Malta sink. However, he sucked briefly on each nipple, and then his tongue flowed across my body to my belly button, ' _like a butterfly's wing_.' I squirmed, moving my body towards each enticing warm flick; as his tongue delved, I felt my insides tingle. Sensations drifted between my legs; he reached down with his spare hand and felt I was wet; then he climbed on top of me and I felt his swelling hard against my belly.

Somewhere deep in my consciousness I had a thought; I managed to say, "Not without a condom." I didn't want aids; he was a Casanova, and I knew it. Goodness knows how many women he had had; quite a few by his ...expertise.

He laughed, grabbed my hand to feel his erection - he had already put one on! How smooth was that? Ben always made such a meal over it.

I gave a sob as he entered me - it had been a long time! I sank my fingers into his hair and smelt the masculine scent of his skin. He moved his mouth again to my lips sucking like a vacuum cleaner as he started to thrust, then his tongue brushed my neck and throat while one hand teased my breast. I expected him to be over before I had an orgasm, but he wasn't. Our bellies flat against each other, his thrusts went deeper and I grasped my legs round his taught torso, jerking my hips, my insides trying to reach a crescendo, my desire increasing as I arched, meeting his thrusts. After about five minutes, we exploded together, he groaning and me moaning; that was a first!

Boy, was that sex? No wonder it was so popular.

Chuckling, he said, "That was better than any chocolate liqueur."

Although I lay dazed with astonishment, from actually having an orgasm and spontaneously combusting after only a few minutes of foreplay, I realized I was supposed to agree; men's egos and things....

"Mmmm, nice," I said, twisting towards him and sweeping my hand across his chest; I hadn't had time before to look at him or touch him. He had a muscular, toned body without the big muscles you get from bodybuilding, and long legs. I bent my head, pressing my mouth to his tanned golden chest, twisting my fingers in the hair curled on it. He was, I think younger than me, in his early thirties.

"Nice! – Ha, you don't sound that convincing, and I'm still feeling lusty; I think I'll give you another taste."

You are kidding!

He pulled me on top of him, giving me a lazy smile as he held me tightly in his taunt arms. He brushed his mouth down my neck, shifted his body underneath me, and went down to my breasts. My nipples were still erect from last time! He started teasing my nipples with his tongue joined by his finger and thumb rubbing the tips gently at first against his chest, massaging himself with them. Then he began to pull them roughly, it was agony and exquisite pleasure all at the same moment. I was just about to say that hurts when he fastened his lips on mine again and pushed his tongue down my throat. I'm sure he was crossed with a lizard.

For a brief second, his right hand let go of my breast; he slipped himself inside me and pushed up into me, nestling there. He did not attempt to move, but because he had cupped each of my breasts by now and was moving them vigorously, the whole of my body was in motion. I grabbed his hands and he unlocked my mouth and said, "Don't spoil it."

I wasn't sure I liked this.

He was completely in control and I felt overwhelmed with his lack of consideration, but my traitorous body had juices flowing out from me and slowly the friction had me burst with an orgasm I didn't know I could achieve.

If I was surprised by the first time he took to reach his peak, it was nothing compared to the second. My God what was he on, Viagra? He had more stamina in one night than Ben had had throughout our marriage! After a while, I was too exhausted to move, so he flipped me over, still hard inside me, his body smothering me and ploughed into me until the raw heat of his passion roared through him.

In the morning, I woke with the sound of Paul singing in the shower. I felt as if I had been in a boxing match, my body felt so bruised. As I got myself out of bed, my head swam. I looked round for a robe to put on; there wasn't one; only my dress and his shirt on the floor. I slowly picked up my dress, stood there naked and stared at it, wondering if I should put it on now, and escape.

"Gosh you're beautiful," Paul said, a smirk on his face, coming in to the room with a short towel wrapped round his middle. "Would you like some more chocolate liqueur?"

The way I felt! I couldn't take another bout.

"Do you really have any chocolate liqueur?" I asked, grabbing his shirt and swiftly sliding it on. I didn't want to spoil my dress.

He gurgled with laughter as I covered myself up. "You English women, you pretend you're modest and shy, yet you are _sooo_ passionate."

One in the eye for Ben then; he wouldn't agree. Then Ben was not like Paul with all that stamina. Paul stepped towards me; one night was enough! I dodged him, running into the shower. I heard him laughing, and then he sung out asking if I was hungry.

"Famished," I yelled back and I was.

# CHAPTER TEN

### Sex makes whose world go round?

I spent a leisurely week living on my yacht, breathing in the briny ocean, and taking the outboard boat out, diving from it, shooting film of this intoxicating underwater world. The first time I went diving by myself, I stayed close to the shore, but as the week progressed I went further and further out, even exploring a wreck by myself, taking funny shots of fish darting in and out of it. In the evenings, I tried different restaurants or cooked myself something on the yacht, reading one of Sharon's books or reviewing the day's filming.

On the fifth day, I decided to sail my yacht. It had taken me that long to pluck up the courage. I wished Will were here holding my hand, but I knew I could do it; I had the day Will was with me, the weekend he came to see it. The weather was calm with a slight breeze and I knew it was just perfect. I thought of the Sunday in Plymouth when the weather had been bad; today would be a cinch, I told myself as I steered out of the harbour with only the engines, excited and scared. It really needed two people to handle 'Spirit,' but I put it into Auto, raced round the deck, and used the electronics to hoist the sail. I can't express the feeling I had when the sails went up and filled with wind, and the soft breeze embraced me, holding me gently, whispering, caressing my body and Spirit rocked pleasurably, gliding up and down with the swell of the waves. It was better than sex and it set my soul on fire.

All too soon, I had to lock the yacht up and head for England. I had enjoyed my own company, unlike at home, and was completely relaxed, a feeling I couldn't remember. In two weeks, I would be back...for at least a year. When I entered my house, I knew I had made the right decision, spent my money on what was making me happy. I gathered up some presents I had bought for Mel's kids and went to her house for dinner.

"My, what's happened to you," she said, greeting me with a dish full of mud as I came through the back garden. "You look fantastic; I thought I was the younger sister."

I smirked; "I hope that's not dinner," I said, peering at the coffee coloured sludge.

Mel rolled her eyes; as one of the twins spotted me, she squealed, waved, and ran over and asked if I would like some of her chocolate cake.

Mel held up the dish, with a 'this is it' face.

"I'd love some; I've got something for you too."

She downed tools, - forgot my chocolate cake – and suddenly as if by magic, Mel's other three appeared, all rushing towards me.

"Where's my hug first."

I had bought two dolls for Elly and May, the twins who were nearly five; and for the boys, Neil, who was ten and Mark, eight, a snorkel, flippers and a shortie wet suit.

"If you like, on Sunday, I'll take you swimming and show you how to use them."

"Wick – id," Neil said. "Did you get a boat?"

I nodded; "Can I come in the holidays and do some diving with you?"

"Well, I was hoping you might all want to," I whispered. "I'll have to ask your mum."

"No need, she suggested it," Neil said, putting on his snorkel and making scary growling noises, chasing the twins round the garden, starting the dogs barking.

"Nothing like kids for showing you up, is there?" Mel said holding her ears.

"So you'll come then?"

"Try and stop me. Let's have a look at this boat."

"Yacht," I corrected. Mel pulled a face at me. "Where's Mum?"

"It's a sort of secret. She's making you a cake. She'll be in, in a minute."

"Ah! Hence the mud cake!"

Mum was superb at decorating cakes. This one was a yacht in full sail.

"I'm not eating that. It's too good. I'll save it."

"For what, exactly?"

"I'll put it in a glass case and..."

"Leave it to go mouldy!" Mum interrupted, horrified. We ate it with a glass of champagne, instead of afternoon tea and toasted my 'Spirit of the Sea.'

"I thought if it's OK with you, the kids and I would go with you to Malta when you go back in two weeks. Keith will come at the end of the first week. He'll have a couple of months off before he starts that new job that will pay him nothing, but will train him for the other certificates he needs. We'll then have a week back here before we go to America, to Disneyland. Then we'll come back from there and, a week later, the children start school again."

"Well that's all organized then," I grinned. That was Mel all over, always organized. She said she had to be with five kids...she counts Keith as one.

"What about you Mum, you're going to come, aren't you?"

"What live on that boat? I told..."

"No, I'll book you in to a smart hotel and you could stay until my friends come at the end of August, as you're not going to America."

"Oh, I don't know. What about the dogs?"

"I know a couple who will house sit for us," Mel said.

"I don't think I want to be in a hotel by myself; too stuffy."

"How about an apartment or something?" I asked.

She looked at both of us; gave a helpless gesture and nodded. I put my arms round her and Mel, hugging them. "And you'll stay the month?"

"Yes, I suppose so "

"Get your laptop out Mel; let's find her an apartment before she changes her mind."

The next evening, Sharon picked me up and took me to Chrissie's; she was the host this Friday. They were all questions; until, laughing, I asked, "Am I being interrogated?"

"Have you got a photo of this beautiful yacht?" Sharon asked.

I dug out photos from my bag, smirking; I hadn't mentioned Paul...yet, but there was a photo of him. I had taken it just before he left, standing, posing, next to his seaplane, looking handsome, as if he were a film star.

"Here," he had said giving me a box tied up with ribbon. "Well open it," he commanded.

It contained four bottles of chocolate liqueur. I chuckled, kissing his cheek.

"That was tame," he said and drew me to him, kissing me for at least a minute on my lips, until I needed to breathe. "The liqueur is to remember me by," he said, his eyes a dazzling jade with hidden meaning. "When you run out, just email me.... I'll get you some more."

Oh, there he goes again. Only this time I knew he was flirting.

I had brought a bottle with me tonight.

"Who's that? He's dishy," Sharon asked as she came to his picture.

"That... is Paul Townsend, a very, very, very, rich man." I had looked him up on the Internet. "He's the man the yacht use to belong to." I felt hot and flushed and I knew my face gave me away.

Sharon stared at me, "You didn't."

"Oh, yes I did."

"You're joking!"

I shook my head. "We had amazing, lustful sex."

Chrissie squealed, "It's about time. No wonder you're blooming."

"Am I?"

"Look in the mirror for Christ sake," Sharon said. "Are you going to see him again?"

"Well, I think there was an invitation there; but I don't think so. He's interested in buying the programmes I'm making, so maybe one day, in a year's time." And if I'm over my bruises, by then!

"Well, what's wrong with having a relationship, with a _rich_ man? You need to move on," said Karen earnestly.

" _I_ need to move on; how about you and Andy?"

Chrissie had met him about ten years ago, when Karen was twelve. He had hung about for her, forever! I thought when Karen had gone off to university he might have moved in, but he hadn't. Now Karen is back.

"Yes, well...there's Karen to consider."

"Do you love him?" Sharon asked.

"Yes."

"Well, what's the problem then?" I said, wondering why I had never asked her that . "Karen looks on him like a Dad."

"Does she?" Chrissie said surprised.

"Yes, and he looks on her as his daughter. They get on tremendously well. Karen wouldn't want to be the reason you're not moving on," I said.

Chrissie glared at me, "Why aren't you going to see this Paul, what's his name, then?"

"Because he's not my type."

Paul had made me realize that _if_ I wanted a man, he would also be sensitive to my needs too, be a friend, who let me be myself. A man who would also hold me in his arms all night or just cuddle me on the settee. Who would hold my hand when we sat together, like Mum and Dad; who would dance me round the room in the middle of the day, to our favourite song, as I often caught Dad doing with Mum. Dad would also catch her sometimes, just to kiss her when she did something funny or she was mad at herself; then he would roar with laughter, telling her he loved her and kiss her passionately, embarrassing her in front of us two girls. I wanted a man that gently made love to me, showed me love and affection every day, and made me feel special to him. Not only for sex when it suited him – that was cold. I had had a cold marriage and I would rather go without than have that again, because now I was happy and I especially liked being independent.

I hadn't realised how bad my marriage had been until the following week, when I went into work; it was my last day.

"Bring your best bib and tucker; I'm taking you and the rest of the company out to dinner tonight to thank you; no excuses. You have earned it, the deals you've pulled off." Jason said.

I wasn't going to make any excuses!

Jane had more than the hang of everything; it was really a waste of me coming in, so we took an early lunch and sat eating pizza and chatting.

"You look so fantastic since you had the good sense to leave Ben," she said. "I don't know how you put up with all his affairs."

I think my jaw dropped open, mid pizza.

Seeing my expression, she murmured "Oh, God."

"What affairs?"

"Oh, I'm sorry"

"Well it's too late now."

"Well, these rumours go round, don't they?"

"Do they?" She was trying to brush it off. "Look, I would like to know how much of an idiot I was. Besides I'm over him now."

"You sure...?"

I nodded; I was beginning to feel peeved, very peeved.

"The only one I know for sure about," _she knew for sure_! "was that Jazz; you know, she worked for the literature agency my old publishing house owned."

"Yes, how did you know about it?" I remembered Jazz - Jasmine. She was a pretty Indian girl.

"It was very obvious, and they blatantly shared the same room when we went to Dublin, for some conference, one year."

"That was about nine, ten years ago."

"Mmm, about that."

"And..."

"Well, no one else for sure really; just gossip."

"What gossip?"

"He was supposed to have gone out with Annabelle who used to work for Jason. He and Jason had a big argument about it, so they say. He also tried to hit on me several times," adding hastily, "I turned him down. He hit on most women. I always wondered why you put up with it; you were so sexy and smart. I didn't realize you didn't know. Well, he's met his match with Lucy; she's a philanderer."

"Is she?"

"She takes after her Uncle - Matt. She had an awful reputation at uni and when she worked for Lesters. She carried on with the boss there, that's why she left, well got the sack from his Misses, so I understand. She's a gold digger too, spends money like water."

"You mean she's messing around? But she's pregnant!"

"No, not that I know of, but I'm sure it won't take her long. It won't be a long marriage. I would bet on it."

I walked back to Jason's in a daze. Ben, having affairs, and going out with at least two women...I never knew him at all. Why had I not seen what he was like? Because I was so busy, so tired, that's why. I was gullible; no wonder he thought I'd go back and work for him.... How stupid was I? Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

That evening, I managed to ask Jason about Ben and this Annabelle. He was very uncomfortable, but he told me they definitely had an affair.

"At one time she thought she was pregnant, but she wasn't. She was only eighteen; I had a blazing argument with Ben over her. He was old enough to be her father and he broke her young heart. Her mother took her away, not before giving Ben a black eye. I don't know how he explained it to you."

I did! He said he'd walked into a door.

I was so mad that night in bed, not with Ben, but myself. He had always undermined my confidence, treated me with no respect. Now I could see why. I couldn't have been dimmer.

If all that Jane had said hadn't been bad enough the worst was yet to come.

It was my turn to host and I told both Chrissie and Sharon, what Jane and Jason had said. Neither of them looked surprised.

"You knew?" I accused.

"Not exactly," Sharon spoke first. "He took me out to dinner; I thought it was to discuss my book being published. He said it was a 'working dinner.' He tried to kiss me and grope me, wanted me to take him on that Europe trip you came on."

"You never said; all this time..."

"Well you were still into Ben; for some time and after that I couldn't see the point."

I sighed, and turned to Chrissie, "How about you?"

She nodded, "and Karen."

"Karen!" I screeched like a sea gull, going pale.

"Yes. When she came back from uni last year, he took her out to dinner, just like Sharon, and tried it on with her; he was quite persistent; she was very upset."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Would you have believed me?"

"Only last year! He was with Lucy then."

"Yes. You're well shot of him. Did you know your father caught him with some girl?" Chrissie asked.

"No! When?"

"That time you had pneumonia, he was playing around with someone, while you were in hospital."

When I was _only_ twenty-seven!

"Your dad had a punch up with him and was going to tell you, but Ben swore to him that it was over, and he would never do it again. Neither of them wanted to hurt you."

Hurt me! Hurt me! I felt so incredibly angry, it was bubbling in my inside like a witch's cauldron. Nobody had had the nerve to let me know what Ben was like; not even Dad, which meant my mum as well, and maybe even Mel! Not one of them gave me the chance to make my own decision. I felt betrayed, sick and stupid..

The evening ended early; I became more and more annoyed by the minute. When they both left, I was fuming, angry with everybody for not telling me. I marched from the dining room to the kitchen, clearing the table, tidying things all over the house. I needed to sort out my wardrobe, get rid of things before they went into storage or came with me to Malta. I flung things about, dragging and throwing clothes until I fell onto the bed, crying and exhausted. I felt let down and unable to trust everybody I had ever loved.

# CHAPTER ELEVEN

### An inadequate man

Next day, I sat around brooding, trying to work out in my head, when this had all started. Was all my marriage a sham; was Ben never happy or satisfied with me? Was I an unloving wife? He said I had no passion. I cared passionately enough for him and our business because it was what he wanted; I tried to make him happy; I thought I had. Even when Lucy came along, I thought it was midlife crises for a bit, a one off. He had been unhappy with me all that time. I should have noticed, been more loving; maybe then.... I'm never, never going to make another man that unhappy again.

Chrissie phoned that evening. "Are you OK?"

"What do you think?"

"I should never have told you," she was crying.

"Don't you see Chrissie that you _should have told me?_ It's because no one trusted me to make my own choices that I am so mad."

"Shall I come round?"

"No thanks, I want to be left alone."

Half an hour later, Mum turned up. I knew Chrissie had rung her and I felt even angrier.

"Chrissie told me what happened last night."

It came tumbling out. "Last night! It seems it happened a lot further back than that," I screamed at her. "Why Mum; why didn't you tell me?"

She shrugged, "We thought we were doing the best thing."

"I should have had the choice to decide what was best for me, not you."

"I'm sorry."

"I suppose Mel knows,"

"I only told her when you split up with Ben. She wanted to go and see him."

"Why didn't you tell _me_ when we got divorced?"

"Because I thought you would blame yourself and think you were a poor wife; as it was you were beating yourself up. I expect you're thinking just that now, aren't you?"

I was, so I yelled louder, "Well I couldn't have been much of a wife could I for him to have so many women."

"You see. I didn't know he had more women, just that one time."

Silence!

"Gosh I hate that man; always have. The only nice thing about him is your two kids."

"You've always hated him...from the beginning."

"Near enough. If you remember Dad wanted you to wait a year or so before you married, being only eighteen; too young, but old enough to marry without our consent. But you were in love, wouldn't listen and we didn't want to alienate you." Tears started creeping down Mum's face. I put my arm round her humped shoulders. "It made us so cross and unhappy to see the way he treated you. Even his mother said on several occasions about it to him. Mind you, it was her fault, doting on him all his life since he lost his father at four _and_ his two much older sisters all spoiling him. It made him an utterly selfish man. He liked the power he had over you, hated it on the few occasions when you stood up to him, and he hated the closeness you had with us too. He even hated the time you spent with the children; his own children! When you used to take them out to somewhere he didn't want to go, but you still went and left him behind, look how he sulked and made you feel guilty and bad. He took what he wanted all his life just as he had always been given everything he had wanted when he was a child. It became his nature. His affairs were the same. It wasn't that you made him unhappy."

Maybe what Mum said was true. He had tried it on with Karen when he had was with Lucy; he might have had affairs no matter whom he married.

"I still think someone should have trusted me to make my own decisions."

"Yes and I can only apologise for that. I'm deeply, deeply sorry; I made a huge mistake. And I thought it was his only affair, he's clever that way."

Yes, he was and Mum had done the wrong thing for the right reason. How could I condemn a mother's care and love?

"How about some chocolate liqueur," I said handing her a tissue.

"Mmm, what's that?"

"It's yummy and alcoholic. I have a story to tell you about how I got it. Although you might think I'm a bit of a ...

"Tart," she laughed.

What an old-fashioned word. "How did you know?"

"Oh you had such a wonderful shiny look in your eyes.... Even when you were with Ben I haven't seen you look like that since....hmm, let me think, twenty six - seven."

"No!" I said, surprised; but I expect she was right. All those wasted years! Yes. Lucy had done me a very great favour. I shall have to think of something nice I could do for her. I giggled.

* *

The next two weeks were hectic. I sorted, packed and put my beautiful antique furniture into a small storage room at the back of Chrissie's new salon and bought furniture to replace them. I signed agreements and set Karen up as my agent to look after the houses while I was away. She wouldn't accept a wage; it was in exchange for the building she said.

Exhausted one day from shopping, I took a break in a coffee shop and who should be sitting there, but Lucy. I went to turn and go back out, but suddenly I had an idea on how to thank her; well not so much to thank _her_ , ... hell, it was mostly because it would annoy Ben, and boy did I want to annoy him and if Lucy got pissed off too, all the better. I grabbed a coffee and took it over.

"Hi," I said cheerfully and sat myself down next to her. She looked stunned - naturally. "How are you? Not long now."

Recovering from her surprise, she said, "Two and a half months."

"Are you feeling well? You were sick a lot in the beginning weren't you? Horrible; I was like that with both of mine. Do you know what it is yet?"

"No, I don't. You look as if you've been buying a lot," she said glancing down at all my bags.

"Yes I have. I'm leaving on Saturday for the Mediterranean. I'm making a couple of films there."

"Really! Ben never said. What kind of films?"

"Oh well, I've bought a yacht and I'm sailing..."

"You've bought a yacht?"

_Oh yes! Wait 'til you see it_ ...

"Yes and beautiful it is too. I've always wanted one. Now I have one; here I have a photo somewhere." I dragged my well-worn dog-eared photo out.

"My, it _is_ beautiful...must have cost a bomb! What are you doing?"

I could see I had her interest. "Oh, I'm making a couple of series for the BBC and American TV. (Paul had now bought the American rights.) "One is about food around the Mediterranean and the other is about me diving and travelling around the Med. on my yacht."

"Wicked!" She looked envious.

"Yes, it is rather. Ben always stopped me from doing such things before. You know _his_ business was always put first," I said, smugly and inwardly gloating, and it probably still was!

Icily, she agreed.

"Well, what have you been out buying; not much yet?" She had one tiny bag.

"Mmm...I wanted one of those new buggies, but they're more expensive than I thought."

This was it...Ben and his _lack_ of money and me...

"Oh let me, I'll buy it for you."

"It's very expensive," she said. I could see she was perplexed.

I can do expensive; she just didn't know how expensive I could do _._

"Oh, no matter. Drink up and you can show me it."

"Why?" She asked puzzled.

"Well, your child will be my children's brother or sister." Which was true, but mostly because it would hack Ben off about the money and how I managed to pay for it? In addition, Lucy would not be able to resist telling him about my yacht. I knew he would be round before I left and there were a few things I wanted to say.

Unfortunately, he came round early next morning. Damn, I thought it would be the evening. I was rushing about for Chrissie's opening. He knocked on the door loudly and when I opened it, he pushed in before I could stop him.

"Well hallo to you," I smirked, looking at my watch. I had under half an hour until Sharon came to pick me up.

"Lucy said you've bought this big yacht."

"Yes, that's right; better than a barge thingy. Look, I'm extremely rushed; Chrissie is opening her new salon today. Could you come back later?" I felt my lips twitch.

"Lucy said it must have cost an enormous amount of money."

"Yes it did."

"Have you sold this house?"

I laughed, "It's nothing to do with you what I've done."

"You gave the kids money, paid off Chloe's overdraft, and bought Lucy a buggy. I demand to know where the money came from. _Now!_ "

I moved towards him; he was flushed like an angry lobster; I slithered up close to him and said in a deathly quiet voice, "Only if you tell me how many affairs you had while married to me; you despicable piece of shit."

His eyes stared back into mine, as if a great hammer had hit him, half I think, because of the language I had used; that was the sort of words he used to me in the past, when he was angry.

"What do you mean?"

"I thought it was a simple question."

"A, a, ahum, well... _you_ were always so cold in bed and unexciting. It made me go elsewhere for some warmth."

Oh, he always turned everything round to me! It was my fault again, never his! I wasn't even rattled; I had the measure of this man... _little man_. "How did you know if I was hot or cold? You jumped into bed and got your end away without even a kiss; then thirty seconds of bonking, _if_ I was lucky, and you would be fast asleep; so much for excitement. The times I masturbated in bed next to you while you snored. More than your affairs, I suspect."

"You said that before. I don't believe you."

"I don't care if you don't." Moreover, suddenly I didn't. I had had enough of loving and hating him, being angry with him, trying to hurt him or get even. Something had died in me when I found out about his women. He wasn't worth it. He was a poor excuse for a man, and I couldn't believe I had been so in love with and intimidated by him. However, my only excuse was I had been very young when I met him and knew nothing about men.

"If you've sold this house, you cow, I don't intend to help you out when you get back."

"I don't need your help. My film deals are well paid."

"And when you fail...?"

"Ben, I want you to go. I'm fed up with your snivelling, whining...and...and greedy nature; you're pathetic and I no longer have to put up with it."

He stood rooted to the spot. He was not used to me talking to him like that!

I marched to the front door and threw it open. Sharon was standing there with her hand raised about to knock on the door. She saw Ben and her lips went tight.

"I can handle him," she saw my expression and nodded. _No one_ was making my decisions or handling this for me anymore.

"Is he paralysed?" she asked smirking.

"No, just a bit put out. It's a sort of mixture of shock and sulk."

I turned, "Ben."

If looks could kill! But he went.

# CHAPTER TWELVE

### Malta

The kids loved the yacht, arguing about where they were going to sleep. I had given up my bed and cabin to the boys, and moved to the 'study' bunk. Mel had the other double cabin, and the twins had the bunk beds in the third cabin.

Mum came aboard, walking cautiously down the gangway as if she was about to walk a pirate's plank! However, when she saw the saloon and the well-equipped kitchen, then my bedroom and bathroom, she was so impressed she said she was nearly convinced to stay on board herself. I said we could easily make room, but she was bluffing; she preferred the apartment. I had rented her a two bed-roomed apartment on the quay, nearly level with the yacht. It was not only as near as she could get but was secure, via the barrier and security guard.

It was late by the time we settled in. The children were so excited we thought they would never go to sleep. Eventually they did; Mum was tired too, so I went with her to the apartment.

"It's not twenty yards for goodness sake," she said, but I insisted. "You can nearly see inside your yacht from my balcony."

Grinning I said, "Well if you wake first, you have to cook the breakfast."

"I shall make sure I don't then," she sniggered. "Some chance you have of lying in anyhow. The kids will be up before its light, I bet. You can bring _me_ my breakfast."

Moreover, she was right. They appeared before six, dressed in their swimming gear. Peering out of the window, still heavy with sleep, I said, "Its dark isn't it? Go back to bed." No way! We stood more chance of winning the lottery.

By seven, we had had our breakfast and Mel had coated the children with sun cream. Was the sun up? I cooked Mum a fresh breakfast and took it over to her. I had the spare key so I let myself in. If I was up, ha! so would she be.

"Good morning," she smiled, as I crept into the bedroom; she was sitting in bed reading. "Mmm, the bacon smells good. Sleep well did you?" she snorted, balancing the tray on her legs. "Cor, this is the life."

"You're enjoying this."

"Of course; I like being pampered and I'm making the most of it. Are the kids ready for swimming?" she asked innocently.

"Very funny!"

Soon after eight, the kids were packed to go swimming, - Mel decided to stay and tidy up, "What is there to tidy yet?" I protested as the twins caught my hands and pulled me towards the outboard. I was being conned here.

"I'll wait for Mum then. It's too early for me to get in the water."

"And me."

"You're the diver. Here give me the camera; I'll take some film of you all. Show me how to work it?"

Dave had given me several cameras and two I bought from him. "They were second hand, but splendid," according to Dave. I had an underwater one, and Dave's back up, plus my one for shooting on land and Dave's land camera as a backup. I was using the lightest, which was mine. I gave Mel instructions; the boys had on their snorkels, flippers and wet suit, and the twins just jumped around, posing and dancing in their swimsuits, with goggles and their armbands. Mel was laughing so much at their antics I doubted if any of the film would be any good anyhow.

I lowered the small outboard and the children gingerly climbed in. They still had their gear on _and_ their lifejackets, so it was hard for them to move.

"Take your flippers off," I said to the boys as they nearly fell overboard. That was before we started! We were only going five minutes down the coast so the twins could join in where it was sandy and shallow, as most of the coastline was rocky. I shook my head, sighing.

Mel, her face all sweetness and light said, "I'll come with Mum by taxi when she's ready."

That was the beginning of a fabulous couple of weeks where none of us stopped laughing. It reminded me of our holidays in France with Dad. By the time Keith arrived, the boys were scuba diving and the twins were swimming with snorkels like little mermaids. Mel had only done the introductory dive with the boys before Keith arrived, mainly because she had to stop with the twins, near the shore. Mum was also snorkelling but we couldn't convince her to come with us on the yacht, sailing.

In the first week, Mel and I took the yacht out twice. She was easy to teach, as she had been out with Dad and a few times with Keith. I hoped Raphael and Dawn would be that easy. Giles had some experience but it had been about ten years ago, he had said, adding with a grin that it was like riding a bike. I hoped so - although we planned to stay in and around Malta for about a month, when they came, until we were all confident.

When Keith arrived, Mel came diving with the boys and me; in fact, we couldn't keep her out until Keith had a moan about his turn. When the time was up for them to go home the boys (and Keith), didn't want to go.

"But you're off to Disney World next week." To my surprise, they now didn't want to go there either; they wanted to stop here, diving. "There's a wonderful park there where you can swim with fish _and_ ...dolphins." That brightened them up _and_ the promise that they would join me again at Christmas, wherever I might be.

The following two weeks with Mum were wonderful too. We reminisced about Dad and rolled about giggling together. On the second day, we decided to hire a car and go round the island. When we arrived at the car hire place, they had a gleaming silver sports car. We both spotted it together; she gazed at me, and I smirked at her.

We hired the car.

We went shopping in Valletta for some clothes for her cruise and spent a 'disgusting amount of money' Mum's words, on them. We went to Gozo, by _ferry_! And spent more money on clothes, bags, and shoes...but we loved every minute.

One warm starry evening, sitting in a quayside restaurant after finishing our meal, Mum wistfully said, "Did you know Dad and I were thinking of buying a house in France, near Adge, where we all used to go on holiday and where you were conceived?"

"What, and live in France?"

"Well, not exactly; we wanted to live in the sun, but for half the year, because of you, Mel and the grandchildren. We thought we might stay for a couple of months, then come home for a couple and so on."

"Well, why didn't you?"

"Apart from your father dying you mean."

"You were travelling round the world when Dad became ill. I know you didn't get far. When were you thinking of buying a place in France?"

"Well, after we'd finished travelling, which was supposed to be for a year or so. We even looked at some properties once, just before Dad retired, when we went on that holiday to the Canel de Midi in the April before he retired."

"You never said."

"No, well you were busy and Mel had just had the twins. It's just as well as it turned out; I could have been in France on my own."

"Didn't you like any of the places you saw?"

"Oh no not really. We wanted a place big enough for you, Mel and the kids to stay in the summer holidays and things. We both had visions of the grandchildren running wild all summer with us. Joel especially, he wanted to come."

"Joel knew."

"Well, Dad mentioned it to him one day when they were fishing in the rain and it was supposed to be summer."

"You should really come and join us Mum, you would soon get over the fear of the captain," me! "And Giles is about your age, and as Sharon would say, dishy for his age and you and him..."

Mum chuckled, "Let me do the cruise first, and then at Christmas when we join you, I'll see. As for this Giles, well he would be wasting his time. Your dad was the love of my life, however nice or dishy he might be."

"But you could both enjoy each other's company, and you used to like sailing with us when we were on holiday, when we were kids."

"Well Dad was in charge wasn't he? In addition, it was a small boat. Moreover, I was a lot younger. My heart is with you, but as they say the body is weak."

"You're not that _old_ and you swim well enough when you're snorkelling. Besides, I can handle the yacht _;_ I'm not going to sink it; I love it too much."

"Like I said, maybe when I see you at Christmas. You would have sailed it for quite a while by then, so I might; and stop bullying me."

"Sorry," I kissed her warm cheek.

"That's OK. It's because you find it so thrilling, you just want me to experience it too."

How right she was.

On the Friday before August bank holiday, I went to the airport to meet, 'my film crew.' They were all laden down with baggage; it must have cost a fortune for the extra, as they were well over the limit.

"I hope my yacht can manage to leave the dock," I said laughing when I saw it.

"We are going for a year," Dawn replied.

"Where have you put the kitchen sink?"

"Oh I've got it," Giles grinned, giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"The European custom is to kiss me on both cheeks," and turned the other side of my face.

"Oh goody, who am I to argue?" Giles said, kissing me all over again, followed by Dawn and Raphael.

"How's your French coming along?" Raphael asked.

"Not that great; they don't use it here and I haven't been listening to the tapes or looked at a phrase book. I've been too busy enjoying myself."

"That's what I like to hear," Giles said.

"Oh come on, I'm dying to see the yacht," Dawn cried.

I grinned, "This way; I've got a truck outside."

That night we stayed on Spirit for dinner, which Mum had made while I was at the airport. They were all impressed with the yacht; who wouldn't be? Dawn had the other double bedroom, (I had my own bedroom back), and Giles and Raphael had the third bedroom with the two bunk beds. - Oh, they're called cabins. Mum loved my friends, including Giles. She felt he was sensible and would take care of us! Am I not sensible? Giles also liked my mum; they sat laughing and drinking wine late into the night. Then he saw her home.

The next day we took the yacht out. It had been nearly two weeks since Mel and Keith had left. Raphael and Dawn soon got the hang of it under Giles and my instruction - Giles had gone on a refresher course in Dorset when he had visited his son, he said smirking, when I was surprised at how well he was doing. The weather was blazing and after sailing for about an hour, we needed to cool off. We saw a wonderful green-watered cove where we anchored and dived from the platform. Well, after getting it tangled trying to lower it; until Giles told us all to leave him to it and fixed it in about five minutes flat... Maybe Mum was right.

That moonlit evening we went out for dinner to a place that played jazz. We stayed to after midnight; the warm air fondling us. It was so amiable, the jazz, incredible, especially the saxophone, its sound floating into the air like thistledown. I could have stayed there all night it was so magical. I was glad I was sharing it all with Mum. I wished Chloe and I could be as close again.

The following day I stayed with Mum as I was taking her to the airport while the others went diving. She had bought so many clothes I had to go and get my suitcase.

"I don't know why you didn't leave them stored on board the boat until Christmas," I said dragging the two cases.

"Oh don't start that again; they're all packed up now; I might want some of them anyhow for my cruise; I know some of my clothes are old, but they are comfy. I'll just pay the difference and I wish you hadn't got me priority booking, we could have waited, all _that_ extra expense."

I rolled up. "Mum," I whispered, "I'm a millionaire and you are well off too; remember?"

She giggled, "Oh yes, I forget sometimes; being rich takes getting used to, at my age."

It did for me too; I would swing from wondering if I could afford something, to going on a spending spree, to having the guilts.

When I arrived back at the yacht, I was surprised to see the others back and sitting on the deck, eating.

"Hi, I thought you would have been out longer than this."

"Dawn cut her leg on some rocks, so we had to take her to the hospital. She's got three stitches in it and _cannot_ go swimming for at least a week," Raphael said glaring towards Dawn.

Dawn glared back at Raphael, "Maybe a few days."

"Now, now children, let us wait and see. Did Louise get off OK?" asked Giles.

"Yes thanks." I looked at Dawn; she had her leg bandaged from just below her knee to nearly her ankle. "It must have been deep, to have three stitches."

"Oh I'm sorry; what a waste of space I am."

"No you're not," we all said together.

"I think it is quite handy, this is our first crisis. Dave wanted several; let's make this one of them. It's ideal, not too serious."

"For whom?" Dawn scowled.

"A week will soon go and I aim to show you how to film in that time and you can be the on-land photographer, until your leg heals. I'll get the camera now and take some film of you having a moan. Then for real drama, I'll take some more when you have to have the stitches removed."

"Oh, ha ha!"

However, I could see it cheered her up.

"Have you eaten?" Raphael yelled as I went to my cabin.

"Yes, I had lunch at the airport with Mum," I shouted back.

I set up the camera on my shoulder and it all whirled into action. In fact I felt like saying 'action, take one.'

"This is Dawn, only two days into our 'adventure,' and she is banned from swimming for a week, having cut herself on some sharp rocks while looking for fish to eat for supper; a really good start! (That wasn't true but it went in with the theme of the project.) Show us your poorly leg."

Dawn lying back on the sun bed lifted her leg and made a rude face.

"The face seems to have been hurt too; unfortunate that; can't get it fixed." Dawn made another face and started giggling, "Yes, her face is now showing real signs of injury." She shot up and hopped towards me trying to grab the camera, laughing; I stepped back swiftly, walking backwards, still filming. "Oh, oh, the accident has sent her into frenzy; maybe it had some horrible virus on the rocks...and is spewing into her blood stream." Then I swung the camera round to Raphael and Giles who were doubled up with laughter. "I think the virus is spreading," and they both got up and made to catch me.

The next day Steve and Laura turned up and after we had spent the day diving and wrinkled up, we all went in the evening along the buzzing waterfront to eat. It was another warm, bright night and Steve, as usual, had us all listening to his stories. He had such a humorous way of telling stories and we were in fits. The next night we went to a karaoke bar and even I joined in the singing, although I was tipsy. Steve and Laura stayed for four days, and Laura and I did everything together, from diving to shopping and pampering ourselves in a spa. We got on so well and she was such good fun, she reminded me of Sharon.

"I wish you were coming with us," I said lazily as my back was massaged with oils.

"Yes, I do too; unfortunately we've made arrangements we can't break, but we will come and meet you, probably in October."

# CHAPTER THIRTEEN

### The beginning of my dream

After only two weeks, we all felt confident enough to start our journey. Dawn's leg no longer required medical attention. Giles and I had in turn shown Raphael and Dawn how to navigate a course and work all the instruments on board. We had also set up the video equipment with a laptop in the study. Everyone could work the cameras above and below the water. Our first stop was to be Pozzallo, Sicily, only about two to three hours away, depending on the wind in our sails.

There was a slight breeze, but the sea was relatively calm, which is more than can be said for my stomach! I think everyone felt the same as we motored out of the harbour, none of us talking. Working together like the good team we had become, we raised the sails, they billowed with wind and I got the usual exhilarating emotion and knew we would be all right, all my fears vanishing with the whoosh of the air current breathing into the sails.

The sea was translucent, glittering as we moved smoothly over the swell of the waves. We stopped half way, throwing our stale bread overboard just to see if we could see the blue fin tuna that were ritually massacred every year in May and June around Sicilian shores. The giant fish, some fourteen feet long, swam past the island and apparently, the sea would turn blood red with the entire killing. I'm glad we had missed it. Sicily is known for its tuna; we intended to film the issue and the fact that tuna was now becoming over fished everywhere.

We fixed up a link to the laptop with a small yacht camera and soon we had plenty of fish including tuna, their silver bodies dashing and twisting with a flip of their tails to scoop up the bread. Convinced we would be fine swimming with them Raphael and I slipped into the water with the camera. We took a lot of footage and later we added a commentary to it.

We spent a week in Sicily, buying fish we hadn't had the heart to catch and kill ourselves, and filming the markets and places where we bought it. Raphael would then cook while I filmed him. He was great on camera, good looking, sexy and witty and what he did with the food was delicious. I also put a short clip of him with a recipe on 'you tube,' and I started my blog on our travels.

For the travel programme, we went up to Mount Etna for the day and I wanted the programme to have some humour. So I made them put on their snorkel masks and flippers and swung the camera; with glimpses of the volcanic bubbles, dust and surroundings, they looked like villainous aliens. Then I filmed the view from the top, well as near as you can get; it was breath-taking.

Next, we sailed to Reggio di Calabria, the peninsula at the toe of Italy, where Dawn and I had a go at making pizza dough from scratch at a local restaurant, while Giles filmed. The dough seemed to have a mind of its own at a certain point and we were so covered in dough that the chef said in broken English, that he didn't know if he should cook the pizza or us. So, that became a clip on 'you tube.' I got a text shortly after from my snobby daughter, mmm I decided she was a snob, saying she was glad no one in India knew I was her mother! However, I was growing in confidence everyday about my filming and my life. I made decisions without much thought of what Ben might think anymore and I was having such wonderful days that no text from Chloe could upset me.

Towards the end of September, we met two Greek gods - in bronze unfortunately, in a museum. They were two bronze _nude_ full-length statues and every inch beautiful men. Dawn and I found them very sexual. The bronzes were found off the wonderful coastline here; it has the cleanest water in the whole of Italy with plenty of scuttled shipwrecks to explore. We were in our element diving into the sapphire crystal sea, me filming and Dawn and I looking to find more Greek gods, although the men reckoned they were just as godlike. Then, argh! There were two Gods, with no wet suits on; when did they do that? Looking tanned and bronzed and - OK sexy - in and out they swam twisting and modelling in the underwater wrecks, posing, pretending they were...well I'm not quite sure, but they did look funny and it would certainly add more humour to my programme and so it became another 'you tube' moment. I wondered what Chloe would say to that!

I adored it here and especially the Italian men with their easy laughter and their dark looks. Gone was my green-eyed hero; instead I fantasized in bed now of an Italian man, black hair and riveting brown eyes, who made love to me under the water and in the waves. I stretched my tanned body under the cool bed sheet, purring and caressing my breasts, fingering my clitoris, soft, wet and gentle and like a whisper of happiness, oh, gasp - we rolled in the sea.

After three weeks of pasta, wine and warm nights, and a most incredible musical evening at an open-air opera, we reluctantly moved on. Raphael had acquired an Italian attitude because it was like home and comfortable for him. We all made fun of him as he started throwing his arms around when he spoke in the Italian way. I also saw Raphael and Dawn falling in love, the love spilling out of them. They would laugh together, touch, and kiss one another all the time and the electricity between them was so intense that you could feel the sparks. I was so glad for Dawn, but I envied them.

The next journey was down to Zanti, our longest journey and out of sight of land, but I knew we were ready for it. Long ago, I had got over any nerves; I was confident about my sailing and my crew's abilities. Strictly, it was no longer in the Med but the Ionian Sea. We had arranged with a society that was protecting the loggerhead sea turtles or Caretta carettas as they were known there, to highlight their plight on our travel programme. The Caretta carettas like to nest on Laganas Bay, an area that, although was a protected site, was still being disturbed by tourists and often the turtles were killed by boats entering the bay.

We moored in the next bay and, with our cameras and diving equipment, hired a four x four to take us to Laganas Bay, where we met Jase and Damonaris, two of the society's people. They were both dishy, as Sharon would have said, but married and a bit young for me, but there was no harm looking was there.... We spent the next two days with the turtles filming them after they had been to the beach. I was amazed at how large they were, some nearly two metres and I was told they could weigh over one hundred kilos. That was a lot of turtle!

Later we were invited to Damonaris's home where we met his pretty wife. They treated us to a fine Greek meal of fried squid, sardines and lobster in plenty of garlic and herbs. Then we had their traditional sweet Baklava, made with nuts, lots of honey and sugar. Their house was typically Greek with a rustic feel, surrounded with sweet smelling pines. And we filmed Elissa, Damonaris's wife, cooking and telling us about the food and Damonaris promised he would take us out early next morning to catch our own.

"What squids too?" I squeaked.

"Oh yes, but of course,"

Oh OK, I can do that, I can... I think I can.

When we got back to Spirit, I wasn't the only one slightly worried; but as Giles pointed out the programme was supposed to have us catching some of our own food and we hadn't done that yet. Well next day we did. It was not as terrorizing as I had thought and apart from feeling sorry for the creatures, it was reasonably exciting. I let the others do the catching, as I was filming. My excuse... We caught sardines with a large net that Damonaris threw over the side and we went diving round the rocks for octopuses, me having flashes of all the films about _enormous_ squids curling themselves around the 'baddies' and killing them. We caught several small ones and they were somewhat cute in an eerie way, like spiders. Well they were sort of sea spiders I suppose. Dawn was brave; she let a little one curl round her arm and held it up to the camera. Next, we examined Damonaris's lobster pots and nearly all of them had lobsters in them. Who was going to cook them? Not me, plunging them into boiling water; what devious ways us humans think of, just to eat. I wonder who thought of how to cook a lobster like that - poor things. I was getting quite an affinity with all these sea creatures and fish.

When we had finished for the day, we realized we needed to buy some equipment for catching our own food. We didn't even have a net! Therefore, Damonaris took us to a shop and, with his guidance, we bought several fishing nets and a lobster pot. Raphael did the cooking and Giles did the filming, me being 'too squeamish' to watch Raphael chopping up the fish.

We spent many more days diving and catching fish. We were not exactly becoming experts, but we wouldn't starve if we couldn't get to the shops! In addition, we ate, laughed, and 'sampled' the local wine – it was a hard life but someone had to do it. I felt so at ease and free; I spilled with happiness every great day. From eating my breakfast on deck while gazing at the turquoise sea under the deep blue cloudless sky, to swimming in the warm water initiating wildness within me that I never knew existed. With no restrictions or conditions on how I should act or do something, I enjoyed the filming and making my own decisions about my 'projects,' and I could not think of a better way to live my life than what I was doing. Some days I would stand on the bow of the boat like a figurehead, drinking in the wind, wanting to sing passionately to the azure glittering sea, but I never had the nerve. So, I just hummed softly to myself with a deep delirium of contentment.

We made our way down to Pyrgos on Peloponnisos, the southernmost point of mainland Greece and the birthplace of the Olympic Games. We hired a car and loaded our equipment to take us to Olympia where I did some filming; it was awesome. The atmosphere had me imagining what the first Olympic Games could have been like.

When we returned we strolled around its maze of streets until we saw a restaurant that beckoned us in because it did dancing – the Greek way. By now, I never went anywhere without my light camera and I captured the men dancing and us trying, falling about, and half-tipsy. Dawn took one of me with some tall dark Greek guy as we swayed together to the rhythm, who after several dances holding me tightly to him, his body firm and hard, and his manhood even harder, started to glide his mouth down my neck; I tried to push him off, but he had hold of me firmly. He started whispering in my ear as he licked it, about moonlight and walks on the beach. Oh, I've done one night sex and it was not for me. I would rather masturbate in the shower with the warm water gushing over me. Maybe I was turning into a fish, or it was the Mediterranean diet and warm climate; sad maybe but I was happy in every other way. So again, I tried pushing him away struggling out of his powerful arms, he grinned and murmured some Greek romantic gush, not the rehearsed line he had said before; I couldn't understand it, but he said it in a tone that I think was supposed to woo me. I glanced over his shoulder for some help. Dawn and Raphael were engrossed again with each other, but I managed to catch Giles's eye, which he rolled before getting up and coming towards us.

"Excuse me," he said, sounding very English. "But it's my turn." Taking me firmly from my Greek dancer, who stared, startled, he whisked me away, and we danced round the floor.

"That was easier than I thought; I expected him to be upset taking such a desirable creature like you from his arms."

"Oh Giles," I laughed, "you're priceless. I do love you; you're my knight in shining armour."

"Yes, well I promised your mum I would look after you. But you're not as vulnerable as she thinks."

"Thanks; I'm not."

Giles snorted, "So why did I need to rescue you then?"

"Because the other alternative was to slosh him and I didn't want the natives annoyed."

Giles threw back his head laughing. We prised Dawn and Raphael apart and made our way back to the yacht.

"Er, I'm moving into Dawn's cabin unless anyone has any objections?" Raphael said.

"Thank goodness for that," Giles immediately answered. "You won't keep waking me up creeping about."

Raphael and Dawn seemed amazed. Giles and I exchanged grins.

We were now chasing the sun and the warmth; it had turned wet and chilly in the last day or so, but we had been lucky with the weather until now, with no strong winds or storms. It was late October when we crossed to Antalya in Turkey; we had arranged to meet Steve and Laura there in October; we just about made it. I was longing to see them and sent a text telling them we had arrived; but had not received any answer. I also received a phone call from Sharon. Ben and Lucy had had a boy; she thought it was best she told me, rather than anyone else. Well good luck to Lucy; she was going to need it. I felt no anger, or jealousy ... That life was a world away; I had moved on from Ben.

Each time we left one destination to go to the next, we anchored at various bays after about four to six hours sailing. In the beginning, we did longer days, which meant we got tired or could not find a bay to stop in before it became dark; we even spent a night on the open sea, once.

Diving was not permitted in some parts of Turkey so we went to the diving centre that Steve and Laura knew and had told us about. The beaches and the town were nearly empty, with few tourists wandering in the narrow winding streets. We had many plans for diving here; the underwater scenery was rocky, with jungles of crimson, green, and brown seaweed sprouting from the rocks and honeycomb plumbing of underground tunnels, sinkholes and caverns, and numerous wrecks from boats to planes and the remains of sunken cities. We didn't know where to start. Luckily, the diving centre guide did and suggested we dive around the middle of the day when it was warmest.

On the way to our first dive, in a cavern, we saw spectacular waterfalls with rainbow cascades that fell into the sea. The cavern was beautiful with stalactites that glowed emerald green, enchanted by algae, and travertine pools that turned from pale turquoise, to deep shades of indigo to ebony darkness. It was as if we were in a magical cave and I tried to capture the bewitching charm of the place on film. The second dive was around an ancient sunken temple and we actually picked up pottery pieces from a mosaic-tiled floor! However, the third dive was the best as we met some playful dolphins that actually let us touch their silky bodies. Their fishing techniques leave a lot for us to aspire to. In between the dives, we took a day off and I hired a hot air balloon _and_ pilot, and we filmed the strange landscape known as the Fairies Christmas Trees from the air. Three volcanoes erupted thirty million years ago and formed the strange rock formations, where homes and even guesthouses have been formed inside them.

The fourth dive was supposed to be at Bodrum where they had the largest underwater museum in the world. It was back towards the Aegean Sea and our guide was going to take us there by speedboat for the day. However, the weather had other ideas and the clouds came over just as we met with him and it tipped down with rain and the wind was too strong to go.

The rain fell non-stop for three days, and Spirit rocked fretfully, but it gave us all time to catch up with emails and phone calls. I, at last got an answer from Steve and Laura saying they were not coming to Turkey after all, but how about Egypt. The evening we got back from ballooning, I thought I had smelt Laura's perfume in my bathroom; it was obviously my imagination as she had been on my mind, wishing she would turn up. Egypt was to be our next stop, and we were hoping to spend Christmas there.

On opening my emails, I found I had one from Dave; it was five days old! He wanted to know if Raphael and Dawn were interested in having their own cookery programme on tele, when we got home, as they were a great hit on 'you tube' and the rest of the Internet sites he had put us on. Dawn liked cooking too and had taken her turn with Raphael; after a while they had become quite a team; she was an excellent cook and just as inventive and charming as Raphael.

I came to them, grinning like a hyena, with my camera on and casually asked if they would be interested. You should have seen their faces!

Since the night Raphael moved in to Dawn's bedroom, I heard them making love and giggling. I listened to them resentfully trying to read one of Sharon's books and not to hear their carnal pleasure. It sharpened my awareness of what I had missed in my marriage; there had been no laughter in bed. Lust crept into my body and my heart became quite weepy as I wondered if I would ever enjoy having a lover and friend. The evening they found out about the promise of a programme I heard and felt their passion; it engulfed me, fire burned into my randy physique. I massaged myself until I became moist and even after I had an orgasm I felt unsatisfied. Tears pricked my eyes. I didn't want to masturbate for the rest of my life and I thrashed, beating at the bedclothes with my legs in frustration. I didn't want an orgy of sex; just a kind man that could love me and make me _feel_ loved. I yearned for a lover so much that it hurt. I had never ever felt like this in my life.

The following day I came up with an idea for Raphael for after we finished our trip. He loved cooking but didn't want a restaurant as when he was small he never spent time playing with his parents.

"You are working seven days a week and nearly all day and when you're not in the restaurant you are buying food for it. It is not the life I want for myself or my family," and he had looked at Dawn when he said it.

"I was thinking last night," I said gazing at Raphael.

"Look out, she's coming up with another one of her brilliant ideas," Giles said.

Giles was certainly becoming my hero. Brilliant ideas; well I had ideas, but.... I realised the three of them were watching me, waiting for me to continue.

"Why don't you sell some of your food in packets or cartons - you know, frozen? You could get a large unit or something to produce them in and put some kind of cardboard slip across it with your pictures on. The Internet has already made you half-famous and our programme will do a lot more towards your marketing until you get your own programme. If you just get a supermarket on side, you will have a regular outlet. I shouldn't think that will be too difficult, they like sponsoring celebrities, who you two have become. On top of that you would only have to work nine to five or whatever, once you've got it started, just like you wanted."

"Told you it would be brilliant," Giles said.

Raphael and Dawn just gazed at each other speechless; I saw their minds ticking over thinking about it.

At last Raphael spoke. "I could sell my house, maybe, as some sort of deposit..."

"I've sold mine; well nearly. The tenants I had are buying it. I have to share the money with Ian, (her ex-boyfriend) but maybe we might have enough."

"Plus the money for your cooking programme," Giles added.

"And if you're still stuck for money how about me becoming a silent partner. I've got some money I could invest."

"Cool," Dawn said, a smile lighting her face.

"Wicked," Raphael grabbed hold of Dawn and me kissing us both. I, of course, didn't get the passionate one, just a peck.

The two of them started hatching plans.

Giles and I had plans to make of our own, Joel, Mum, Mel, and family, plus Giles's son Sam, and his wife Mia, where all coming for Christmas. We had agreed to meet in Egypt; we thought Alexandria. We tried to arrange some self-contained accommodation without much luck, as there was not enough room on the yacht. Then I received a call on my mobile from Chrissie; she, Karen _and_ Andy, where also flying out late Christmas Eve. Good my hair was long and bushy.

On the fourth day, we had only light showers and a glimpse of sunshine. The diving guide said it would be better tomorrow and fine for the next week, so we could go to Bodrum tomorrow, but we declined. Although it was only November, I decided that as soon as the weather brightened we would sail Spirit straight to Alexandria in Egypt, hoping we would find some suitable accommodation when we got there. We would have a whole month to look for it. It would be the longest voyage without calling into ports along the way, as I didn't want to stop in Syria because I was not sure how safe ports or bays would be with the troubles they were having in that region.

Therefore, with the weather cloudy, a slight breeze and occasional sunshine and having filled up with diesel the evening before, we headed out as soon as it was light enough, with our fingers crossed. An hour into sailing and the cotton wool clouds disappeared and the sun came out. We took it in turns being on deck sailing, Dawn with Giles and Raphael with me. We reached the port of Alexandria in the dark, the breeze having gone completely, and us having to resort to the engines. Nevertheless, we made it and we all felt pleased with ourselves for doing so.

For the next few days, it was like diving into history; cities, palaces, and old Alexandria lie beneath the green waves. Cleopatra's city 330 BC was complete with palaces and monuments sculptured with green and crimson plants. Alexandria itself is a very lovely city, but very Egyptian. We went to a diving centre again, mostly because women had to be covered when swimming, well if you didn't you felt uncomfortable. We also felt too that it was unsuitable for the children and family to stay at Christmas, and the sea was cold. So I obtained the necessary permission and money to go through the Suez Canal and up to the Red Sea. It was now the beginning of December and we sent emails to tell everyone we would book their air flights to Sharm El Sheikh, instead of Alexandria as soon as we found accommodation.

The traffic of big commercial ships was quite daunting as we sailed, with lots of stops and officers boarding us to see our passports _and_ give them gifts. The scenery was interesting and more varied than I had imagined and we longed to see more, but we would have to wait until we came back down and resumed our travels. We needn't have worried, though, because there were plenty of self-contained places in hotel complexes and right on the beach. We rented five apartments, near to where we moored my yacht.

# CHAPTER FOURTEEN

### Back at the beginning.

I was back to where I first started my dream and only half way through it, but I was far from the person I was when I was here last. I was confident, felt wild, attractive, and sexy; every day I felt horny; I'm sure it was the sea or my diet, and at my age too! Although I no longer felt I was over the hill anymore.

I had a great Christmas, the best for two years. I couldn't get Joel, Neil, or Mark to stay anywhere but on the boat. So we did musical apartments. Joel was surprised at how beautiful she was and comfortable.

To really put the icing on the cake, Chrissie and Andy told me they were to be married in August, when I was due back in England, and asked me if I would be Maid of Honour. I winked at Karen when they told me. I had spoken to her one day when we were preparing the salon ready to open before my travels and after I found out that Ben had tried it on and upset her. I had apologised.

"You have nothing to say sorry about, it was his doing, not yours"

"He was with Lucy as well, what was he thinking?"

"I think he thinks with his dick."

"Karen!" I said, surprised at her straight language, and she and I rolled up.

"How do you feel about Andy?"

Her eyes nearly popped out and she said tartly, "Well I don't fancy him, if that's what you mean."

"Oh no," I said horrified; she completely misunderstood. "I meant do you like him for your mum." When she gazed at me, puzzled I went on: "If they were to marry."

"I would love it; he has been a father to me. Why?"

"Well I think you should tell your mum; she would like to marry him, I'm sure, but she didn't want you to feel...pushed out."

"Pushed out! As if I would feel that. I thought they were happy as they were; but I will speak to her. Thanks Auntie Fran," and she kissed me, hugging me to her.

On Christmas Day, Raphael proposed to Dawn. They would marry in April in Spain when his parents took their annual holiday there. It was wonderful, you could feel the love in the air, and I wished I were in love too.

Joel and I did everything together that Christmas, as if we were stuck to each other and I never laughed with him so much even when he was small, but then laughter came to me easily nowadays. I was extremely proud of him, he had grown into a nice person, and you couldn't expect more from a child than that, ever. He was also a tall, broad, good-looking young man with his father's handsome face. We talked about his hopes, dreams, and what he planned to do when he finished his degree in the summer; his dreams were still tied up with Ben and Matt's company.

He helped me with setting out my ideas for the two programmes and did some illustrations for the two companion books. He also promised me help in August when I had finished filming and needed to put them together. I liked working with him; he was easy to share ideas with. He had his own brilliant suggestions and never got upset if you disagreed and I so wished he wanted to work with me. I could find him plenty to do and pay him well, but I said nothing. He had his dream; I would have to wait and see if it materialized for him. I doubted it; according to Joel, the publishing company and mag were not doing well.

"This boat cost you more than your house," he said one day as just the two of us were in full sail on Spirit, the sea breeze ruffling his thick hair, he smirking at me because he could handle the yacht as we glided over the swells.

"Yes, about the same amount as Dad's house." I shouted back, noting how his eyes glistened; I could see he was waiting for me to say more. "I found a Shakespeare first folio and sold it for a lot of money; I have invested some in houses for you and Chloe. You can have some when you get married and the rest when you're thirty; unless there is something you really need it for before that. And before you ask, I am not giving, or investing in, Dad's company."

"That's how you manage to give me and Chloe an 'allowance.' You should tell Chloe"

"Why? ... - Oh I will _when_ I see her."

Chloe was spending Christmas with Rachel's cousins in Australia; and Joel told me why Chloe seemed always angry with me - _at last._ She felt ashamed of me because of my lack of money and status. I couldn't believe that _she,_ my own daughter, attached so much importance to money and position. Where did I go wrong?

"It's not that you were at fault," Joel said. "She's like Dad; he likes to show off, likes nice things, and thinks that having expensive things makes him more superior in other people's eyes."

I shook my head, completely perplexed. "Is that how Dad thinks?"

"Yes, and remember Chloe and I have been bought up with a large house, lots of gadgets, the latest clothes, cars, our own business; and Chloe did tap dancing, horse riding, music, drama, and belonged to that snooty tennis club. We never went without anything. Then when you were divorced, you had to change, you went down a peg or two, and so did she, especially in the eyes of her friends, or so she reckoned."

"Well, why aren't you like it then?"

Joel cackled and said simply, "I had Grandad and while Chloe was horse riding and at the tennis club, I went sailing and fishing. Grandad would have loved this boat."

I nodded, but my eyes filled with tears. "She must have a very low esteem and opinion of herself." How did I never see this?

"Mum, don't cry," Joel put his strong arm about me.

"It's my fault, I should have realized what I was turning her in to," I wept.

"You didn't turn her into it, she just became it. Stop blaming you about us, Dad has half the responsibility too, yer know."

When did he get so wise? Surely there was more to it than that! It was because I was too busy and tired to notice and Ben was so up his own arse having affairs. I sighed, "She always liked nice clothes and things; as young as four, she used to make me laugh going along racks and picking out clothes and choosing what matched and what didn't. I never saw it as showing off. I thought she would be a fashion designer or something similar when she grew up. She has beautiful ideas for clothes; but she didn't."

"Too much competition and hard work. She wants to be top dog without having to work hard to get there. She's Dad's daughter; lazy and takes the easy route. It's right what you said about the mag and business. You were the driving force behind it - that's why it's not doing well now. Matt and Dad are lazy."

I saw the determined sparkle in his eye. He was looking to change that; I hoped he could for his sake.

"Chloe always had certain friends; they were 'her gang.' She was a pain at school; never had time for the common kids; she use to strut around like a peacock, boasting about the things we had."

"Did she?" I felt I had let her down by not knowing, and teaching her to act otherwise and have proper values. "That's why she likes Lucy," I half said to myself.

"Oh yes, don't start me on her. They are both shallow, going on about their appearance; only Lucy's worse. She likes, money, and more money. You should see her shoe collection. Ridiculous; I called her a gold digger. We've hardly spoken since."

I stared, " _You_ called Lucy a gold digger?" Joel grinned, nodding as he swung the wheel to catch more wind in our sails.

"But Chloe is in a caring profession and has worked for an orphanage in India," I said.

"Well that's kind of an image thing too. All the people with money do a stint at volunteering in the third world. It's sort of fashionable."

"Is it?"

"Yes, like Rachael, her new best friend; only Rachel only did a month's voluntary in India before she met up with Chloe; Chloe sort of ditched Karen at uni for Rachael, a daughter of rich parents who were both doctors. Now Chloe's met this doctor in India, whose father is a specialist doctor, somewhere in London, and his mother is a dentist with her own practice, in Sussex. He was doing his stint there for a year, - to broaden his education."

"She hasn't told me about any doctor."

Joel raised his eyebrows as if it was no surprise. I suppose it wasn't.

"Well what else do you know about him?"

"Not much. His name is Oliver Halland; he comes from Sussex, and is twenty-six. He finished his year's volunteering December and joined Chloe in Australia, for Christmas."

"Is it serious?"

Joel shrugged. "I think so."

"Is he going travelling with her?"

"Why don't you ask her? She didn't say, but then I didn't ask."

I didn't have to ring Chloe, she rang me. She too was engaged! This Oliver had proposed on Boxing Day. Yes, he would be travelling until early March with her and Rachel, and then he was going back to his parents to find a job. Chloe was travelling on for a further two months; she was bubbling with excitement. I wondered if she had mentioned me or was I still shaming her. Having sent many texts expressing her disapproval, (and probably some via Ben too, if the truth be known) at some of the things I had done, I somehow doubted it. Now I realised what was wrong, there was so much I wanted to say to her, but she wasn't sure if she would get to meet me in the Med. She would let me know. I didn't tell her about the money and later I asked Joel not to. I wanted Chloe to come back to me because I was her mum. Chloe was the only downtime of my Christmas. And that Steve and Laura sent me another email saying, _Happy Christmas; sorry we didn't make Egypt. How about Spain? See you in the New Year._

* *

In the middle of January, we sailed back down the Suez Canal, stopping for several nights and hiring a mini bus. I had two ideas about my filming. We would go to Luxor and the Valley of the Kings and film the tombs and temples, then compare them with the lost cities under the sea in Alexandria. Next, we would take the film of the fish in the Red Sea I did with the children's 'help' and show how the fish from there had drifted into the Mediterranean and intermingled since the Suez Canal had been made.

The film would include my family and friends, all diving for the travel programme, and _Mum._ She excelled herself, coming out on the yacht just like she promised - in fact we couldn't keep her off it after the first time, and she did some scuba diving from it as well. Giles said like daughter like Mum!! This made us both laugh. I was proud of her though, after all she was sixty-eight and it was something brave and new; but she said she wasn't dead yet and why not!

When we returned to Alexandria, the water was so cold we bought new thick dry suits, but still only Raphael and I ventured into the sea and dived for short periods. Soon however we had all the footage I felt I needed and we decided to move on in a few days to Tunisia. Meanwhile, we would concentrate on the spice-filled souks and traditional restaurants; the Egyptian cuisine blended a mouth-watering fusion of Arabic and Mediterranean influences, and I wanted to intertwine the filming of that in my programme; and it was much warmer than catching our own food!

The evening before we left, we were sitting enjoying a meal in one of the restaurants when we saw one of the instructors from the diving centre. He waved and came over, introduced us to a dark, good looking young man called Hamish, and asked if we would be willing to have Hamish as a hitchhiker. Hamish was trying to get down to Spain; he was a young man of about thirty and Turkish. He looked presentable and amiable but Giles was taking no chances.

"If we say yes, I will want to see your passport, and sort through your luggage and frisk you; there will be no knives, guns etc. We won't consider you coming otherwise."

"Sounds fair," his English was good. "Can I just ask," he said with a smirk, "that if I am to be frisked, can one of the ladies do it?"

"And there will be no hanky-panky."

"Hanky-panky?" he enquired, a frown on his face.

Dawn and I giggled.

I liked him, "We are not going straight to Spain; we will not be there until about late March or April." I said looking up into his ebony eyes.

"It is OK. I am not in a hurry."

"Where abouts in Spain?" Raphael asked.

"On the border with France."

"Oh, we will not be there until late April or May. Raphael and Dawn are marrying in Spain in April." I said.

"Well if I want, I can catch a train from Spain if I decide I need to."

"Are you a news reporter?" Giles suddenly asked.

"No, just a traveller."

"Well you had better not be; our programme, film and all of us are copyrighted. We will sue."

Are they? If he were a reporter, he would know that was a lie.

Next morning, after Giles was satisfied, Hamish came aboard. He shared Giles's cabin; he took his turn at everything and even cooked, and he was excellent at catching fish with a net. However, according to Giles, he was not quite kosher; he couldn't put his finger on it but...

We docked in Port El Kantaoui; it had waterfront shops and cafes, cobbled alleys and garden squares. Its food is a mix of rich flavours with lots of herbs and spices. I shot film again of the markets and bazaars; we helped in some kitchens, as we had in Italy. Many people seemed to recognize us now and knew what we were doing, so we had no difficulty asking to film; in fact quite the reverse.

Then I discovered they believed in magic potions and 'love potions,' and sold them in the markets. What did I have to lose? And it made interesting filming, didn't it? Hamish and I found them fascinating; we laughed and giggled together and I wildly said I would try one, so I was filmed sorting one out and...

The weather was becoming warmer but the sea was still chilly. Raphael and I dived into the turquoise sea trying to catch some interesting fish on film. All I caught was Raphael's cold blue lips in his unattractive black hood. Nevertheless, I liked it here, it was mysterious, and I loved the haunting music and the call to prayer.

I was wondering what to film next, when we heard they were having a celebration a few miles in land, where there would be camel racing, horseback displays, dog races, and snake charmers. The atmosphere was astounding with men dressed in white, their brown eyes twinkling; they were dark and sultry and I could imagine some as lovers as they glanced their intense gaze towards me. However, I couldn't imagine me dressed like their woman and never let out alone. Their horse riding skills were magnificent and the horses so agile; but I thought the snake charmers were what fascinated me the most; the way they raised cobra snakes from the ground with their strange, hypnotic, alluring music was just like in adventure films. Then in the evening, they cooked food in the street, sung folk songs, and did dancing. We eventually got back to the yacht tired and happy.

The next morning, it was my turn to do breakfast when my mobile started ringing. "Grab that someone please," I yelled.

Giles picked it up. It was Steve and Laura.

"Why don't you come to Spain now," Steve said. "It'll be our wedding anniversary next week and we're having a party. It would be good if you were here."

I gave apologies: "I'm afraid we still have to do some filming before we get there."

When he couldn't persuade me he sounded rather annoyed, unless it was my imagination.

"I thought he sounded cross," I said putting down my phone.

"Oh don't worry about them. They let us down; we were supposed to see them in Turkey, and they didn't come, did they? Then Egypt. We're not at their beck and call," Giles said.

I shrugged. He was right of course. If we went to Spain now, it would mean we would have to double back on ourselves. I saw Hamish gazing at me puzzled from under his heavy long lashes; it would be convenient for him.

"Sorry," I said. "We did tell you it wouldn't be until late March. It would be OK for you if we went to Spain now but it is not in our schedule and our friends will just have to wait."

Hamish just smiled. "It matters not to me, I love being with you all."

"Mmm, "Giles growled.

I was glad; I really liked Hamish and his seductive dark eyes. Mmm, it was a pity he was so young and women were semi-restricted in his culture. We laughed a lot together but he seemed distant as if something was holding him back and I had asked if he was married but he said he wasn't. He obviously didn't fancy me; I was probably too old...so much for love potions.

We sailed to Tetouan in Morocco and as soon as we stepped on shore, we heard again the melodic wail of muezzins calling people to prayer. We stayed on board that first night with Hamish cooking us a lovely Turkish meal. The following day we sat around the cafes taking in the smells, the sights and the colours and drinking mint tea, which I have come to adore and no longer drink any other tea. Tetouan has dazzling white buildings and white beaches. It was quiet as most tourists head for the more westernised towns on the Atlantic coast, which was also what we were planning to do, as I have always wanted to visit Marrakech; and it was my birthday; I would be forty one. Marrakech was my birthday treat.

Next day we sailed down to Tangier; the diving here was supposed to be good and we could get a train to Marrakech. Locking the yacht, as we planned to stay overnight, we took the early train. We had booked several rooms in Marrakech and I packed my light camera. The train was terrific for meeting people and filming them, we had a real hilarious time trying to communicate with them. By the time we had settled in at our hotel, it was the evening, and we went to the Medina. I had heard about this place for so long, now I was here, and it didn't disappoint. I felt I was in a storybook and it was another magical evening. The sky was streaked flame red and violet, palms swayed to snake charmers music, story-tellers transfixed crowds, acrobats performed amazing jumps and the night air hissed with aromatic spices and food on grills. Hamish and Giles were now getting on well and they were constantly laughing together. I think it was because they were both easy to get on with anyhow, and they both had a fabulous sense of humour.

In bed that night, in this unfamiliar room, listening to strange and different noises, I began to wonder what I would do when I had finished our year of travelling. I didn't want it to end, and a future in England and my old life was now too bleak to contemplate.

When we arrived back at the yacht the following day we were extremely tired. It had been so hot, we collapsed and fed ourselves with a quick stir-fry, but I had had a wonderful birthday weekend.

The next day we went diving; the sea was still not as warm as it could be but, with our thick suits, it was enough for us to do some serious diving, the first since we left the Red Sea. We were on the cross roads of the Atlantic Ocean and the Mediterranean Sea and it was rich waters and home to dolphins and whales, killer whales so we were told! The flora was colourful with sponges and red coral; it was an underworld as bright as the colours of Morocco.

We stayed for another week, loving the hot sun and sunbathing, but Dawn was being sick and, at first, we thought she had eaten something that upset her, but she was pregnant. I was thrilled for her; she had all that she wanted. Therefore, we all pampered her but she was constantly vomiting and pale. I suggested she stay a night on shore and see if she felt any better. Raphael booked a room and next day she had some colour back, until she came on board. We had no option but to go straight to Spain so she could stay with Raphael's relatives until the wedding. Then they would go home to England. I felt glum; I knew somehow that this was the beginning of the end of our adventure.

We decided to do it in small trips, for Dawn's sake; so we went to Marbella and again Raphael and Dawn stayed on shore for the night and the next night, as she was feeling even worse. Hamish had decided to stay; he would wait until after the wedding as Dawn and Raphael had invited him. I was so worried about Dawn that I suggestion Raphael call a doctor even though Dawn thought she would be OK soon. When the doctor arrived, she said Dawn should go to hospital, as she was very dehydrated. She had a drip for twenty-four hours and, feeling and looking brighter, came back to the hotel the following day.

We all thought she should take the train to Valencia where Raphael's family lived and where she was to be married, except Dawn. Therefore, we stayed another two days, while Giles and I with Hamish did some underwater filming. Hamish had done very little diving but he soon adored it and although I kept an eye on him, he did OK. After, he and I spent the evening talking and giggling intimately about life and where I had been diving ...I was beginning to sound like Steve and Laura I realised.

Eventually we convinced ourselves Dawn would make it to Valencia if we sailed in calm waters and, some hours later, we got a pale, stubborn Dawn to Valencia, where Raphael was greeted by his Aunt and her husband and on seeing Dawn rushed her into their car and they were both whisked away.

"I'll phone you tomorrow," I shouted after them and Raphael waved.

"How about your friends; you may not have missed their party," Hamish said as Giles and I stood silent, he hugging me.

"No, I am too worried about Dawn to want to go to parties. Anyhow, I think it was last week. I'll phone them another day, or after the wedding."

Giles still with his arm about my shoulders said, "She will be fine now, you'll see."

The next day Raphael picked all three of us up and drove us to his Auntie's house. It was a dazzling white Spanish hacienda, just as you imagine them to be, with flowers clambering up over the walls, attached to arches at the front, and more flowers crept over the back terrace and their fragrance was sweet and swirled about us in the warm air, along with the buzz of insects. It was all set in several acres of garden that had grape vines, fruit trees, and a large vegetable patch. When we toured the garden, I felt this was the kind of house and garden in the sun I wanted too. They had a large table under a canopy of vines and flowers; I could have my breakfast out here. For the first time I couldn't see myself living back in England.

Dawn was still pale; she laughed when I asked her if she was OK.

"More than OK, I am spoilt, both by Raphael and his family. But I've been talking to Uncle Felipa and he will take you to the fish auction they have near here tomorrow; it will be smelly so I'll give it a miss, even if they," she waved her arm about, "allowed me to go. And Auntie Ana; I like the name don't you? Rr-na.. it's Anne in English...mmm, where was I?"

I smothered a laugh and Raphael continued.

"Auntie Ana will take you to the food market; it's in Valencia and is a large one. In addition, have you heard about the aquarium here? It is one of the largest in the world; well Uncle Felipa knows someone who is one of the managers or something. Uncle knows everyone; anyhow, he is arranging for us to swim in the tanks if we want, and film there."

We had not been due in Valencia for another three weeks and I had been worried about our early arrival and what we would find to film for our programmes. It seemed it would be interesting after all. In addition, there was Dawn's wedding to film. Dave had been specific about me filming that, when I gave him the news at Christmas.

"Everyone likes lovers; do some theme about it; film the whole lot, and send me some snippets to put on the Internet too. They both have a great following; I want everyone waiting for this wedding. And get her a lush dress; we will pay for it."

Dawn's parents were expected in two weeks and her sister, brother and family in four weeks, three days before the wedding. As soon as Dawn's mum was here, she would have to buy a dress. In the meanwhile, until she felt well enough I said I would check out the shops with Auntie Ana and it would add to the footage about the wedding. Dawn's sister Amanda and myself were to be bridesmaids, so we were hoping to find dresses for us both too.

"Nothing too flashy for me," Dawn instructed. "Something traditional; and a dress that you can wear again, for you and Mandy."

I grinned; nothing flashy! Dawn's appearance had changed so much from the person I first met. Her hair was in two lengths now, long and straight to her shoulders, bleached blond by the sun on the top layer with a dark blond underneath, which was her usual colour. All traces of vivid pink, short, spiky hair had gone. Chrissie had sorted out her hair at Christmas. She no longer had several studs and rings in her ears, only one in each. I had to agree flashy was no longer Dawn's style.

"What colour shall I look for, for Mandy and I?"

"I thought a nice dark green or deep blue; it will go with your hair and Mandy is a dark blond so it will suit her too."

The next weeks flew by; I had so much film it would take another month to sort out. Dawn had her dress, tight and slinky, with pearl beads – her mum had found it; she wouldn't be this slim for a while again, Dawn said - and Mandy and I had dresses in a deep cobalt blue.

The day of the wedding was pleasantly warm and sunny; Dawn looked well, radiant, and extremely beautiful. It was in a perfect picturesque old white Spanish church, bursting with scented flowers. Raphael and Giles, who was best man, and Hamish looked extremely handsome and I was accompanied, I said, by the best three good-looking men in Spain. They all got _so_ embarrassed and I rolled up at their shyness. We all took it in turns to do the filming; Giles had my light camera, and I gave the larger spare one to Hamish. When I wasn't in the shots, I took over from Giles; I filmed the ceremony, which was captivating with candles everywhere that spread across the church with their flickering mysterious romance, and outside some pictures with glimpses of Dawn in between the flowers. It looked a fairy tale day, just as weddings should be.

The next day Hamish said he would go and see about a train; but I said he had waited this long, another few days and we would be in L'Estartit, where Hamish was bound for, anyhow, and where there was good diving for us; and it was near Steve and Laura's villa. Dawn and Raphael came to say goodbye; they were going to Paris for a short honeymoon and then home. I was already missing Dawn. While we had been in Valencia, I had seen her most days; now I would not finish my trip with her; we were both in tears. I would miss her laughter and our female chats.

We left Valencia and had only been sailing for about half hour when a motor launch stopped us. There were two police officers and they wanted to come aboard and search the yacht. I was about to let them when Hamish asked them for their identity cards. They pretended they could not understand him. As they had spoken perfect English when they spoke to us first, Giles questioned this. They shook their heads and shrugged their shoulders and one tried to step on board, but Hamish barred his way.

I was beginning to feel nervous; we didn't want trouble with the police.

Then Hamish bent towards them, spoke in Arabic and picked up the iron anchor chain; they hesitated for a moment. Hamish was broad, tall and muscular – they consulted again, looking again at the three of us; they had understood whatever Hamish had said; I saw it in their eyes. They then turned, switched on the launch, and sped away.

I was fuming. "That will mean trouble; what the hell were you doing?" I yelled at Hamish.

"They were not police, they were thieves, pirates...I don't know, but not police."

"It was peculiar. They had no identity, otherwise they would have produced it," Giles agreed.

It was unsettling. I had been astounded at Hamish and now he would not meet my eyes. Something here was not.... Giles's words came floating into my head, not kosher about him.

We arrived in the harbour of L' Estartit about three. The weather was closing in fast and we were expecting a storm, a bad one according to the weather broadcast. Everyone with a sea craft was in the harbour, so we had to anchor Spirit in the middle of the bay. We secured the sails, and everything else we thought should be pinned down. Giles lowered the outboard to take Hamish to the shore, and pick up some food. Hamish was not certain of what he was doing,

"Well make up your mind now," moaned Giles as the outboard rocked on the lumpy sea.

Hamish decided he would stay the night on shore with the friends he was meeting and would see us tomorrow.

# CHAPTER FIFTEEN

### The end of my adventure

That night Spirit swayed, rocked, and dipped from side to side until we took on water. Trickles came at first then gushes at a time. Giles and I had been holding hands in the saloon drinking tea, unable to sleep, me terrified. Giles had gone pale too but he kept telling me we would be fine, soothing me like a child. When the water cascaded in, Giles grabbed a saucepan and started bailing.

"Where's the bucket?"

I found two and started helping, my heart pounding in my throat, for the life of my beautiful boat. Outside, the wind moaned, whistled and howled like it was in pain; people across the bay at the jetty could be heard screaming; rumbling and clanging noises seemed to sail right round us. Our feet wet through and puffing from bailing water, we suddenly heard a crunch of timber, and then an almighty crack followed by a shuddering crash. I knew my beloved yacht was injured. I stood rooted to the spot, and then burst into tears. Giles splashed his way to my side and held me to his chest. He had seen what was behind me. The mast had broken in two. I felt so limp I couldn't stand up and Giles led me to the chair. It was then that I noticed the top half of the mast lying through the window and into the galley.

I wanted to go up on deck to see what else had happened but Giles wouldn't let me. We were still afloat; half an hour later, the rocking was not so severe, the wind seemed to have dropped, and the water had stopped coming in. We sat there silent except for me crying softly. Giles was holding me, stroking my hair. I knew my dream was over, I felt it in my gut when Dawn and Raphael had left, now it was certain. After a while, Giles got up, found his Mac, and struggled a bit to put it on over the top of his life jacket; he grabbed a torch and told me to stay put.

As if!

As soon as he disappeared, I found my oils and followed. It was still raining and icy drops slid down my neck and punched me in the face as I made my way across the deck to the broken mast.

"I thought I told you to stop inside?"

"It's my yacht," I cried into the rain.

Giles stared at me and saw the pain on my face. "It's not as bad as it could have been from what I can see in this light. It will have to be mended though before we can sail her again."

I nodded. What was there to say?

We made our way below again. We were both soaked and I was shivering. "I'll put the kettle on and make you some hot chocolate, with some brandy in it. Go and get out of those wet clothes before you are ill. We are lucky the mast missed the cooker," said Giles.

Lucky! I couldn't see anything that was lucky. "You get out of your wet clothes too," I murmured as I went like a child to my cabin.

"Get in bed and I'll bring you a hot water bottle," Giles yelled after me.

Miserably I peeled off my clothes in the bathroom and left them there, dumped on the floor. I found my comfy jogging outfit (I didn't normally wear anything in bed) and crawled into bed, huddled under the clothes in the foetal position.

"Here," said Giles giving me the hot water bottle "give it a cuddle; it will warm you up. I'll be back in a minute with your chocolate."

I wanted more than a bottle to cuddle, but it did warm me.

Giles entered with two steaming cups of chocolate. "This will help you sleep," he grinned.

"How much have you doctored it?"

"Never you mind; just do as I say and drink it," he said sitting on the edge of my bed. "You know you're leaking with water as much as outside?"

I realised I was still crying. I brushed my face with my sleeve, then my nose.

"Oh, very ladylike!"

I grinned.

"That's better; we will get it fixed, you'll see."

Giles was always so optimistic, he could always 'fix things'; he had all through our trip. He hadn't only mended the physical things, but also kept us happy when we were worried. The warmth of the chocolate, although I expect it was the brandy, seeped into me. I leant towards Giles and kissed him on the cheek.

"What was that for?"

"Because you are the best; I love you."

"I love you too, silly girl," he kissed my forehead.

Suddenly I needed a hug.

"Hold me," I whispered.

He put down his finished chocolate and I gave him my empty cup and shifted over. He moved up next to me and held me in the curve of his body. He was warm and comforting.

Next, I was kissing his lips and, after a moment's startled hesitation, Giles kissed me. We glided down the bed together, he gently, slowly kissing my eyelids, my nose, and then my mouth; he brushed the side of my neck and ear lobe then came back and kissed my lips and my closed eyelids again. It was so tender, pleasant, and soothing. He undid my jogging top and slowly kissed my neck, breasts, and stomach; he pulled off my top and kissed my shoulders, arms, face, and neck. I felt as if he had massaged me with his lips, it was so relaxing, and I felt my insides beginning to come alive.

He slipped off his pyjamas, got into bed, and held me, kissing my mouth, sweetly. He never once put his hand onto my breasts until I had removed my trousers, and then, at first, just held me close to his warm, naked body. When he cupped my breasts and kissed them, it made me tingle; he then smooched my belly, thigh and legs. If I had died that very moment, it would have been fine; I felt so loved. Gently, he started kissing and nibbling my mouth again and I swept my hands across his body; his erection was hard, but still he didn't hurry. This was making love, I thought. He traced my collarbone with his tongue, sending delightful little shivers all over me; bridling my breasts, he exquisitely, like a whispering feather, kissed them, sending even more rippling sensations and goose bumps creeping over me. I run my fingers through his hair and was so moist and longing for him, my insides throbbing, that I pulled him to me. He murmured about me being so young and lovely and slid into me. I jerked my hips; he let me for a moment and then he started pushing, tenderly moving in my insides, slowly, while kissing my eyelids again. Ooooh I so liked that; like I was floating. With a quiver, I think I came before him; fancy that.... When we sank back down in the bed, he gathered me in his arms and nipped tenderly at my mouth until he lay still and I fell asleep.

The next morning I awoke in his arms; he had held me all night! I felt so happy even though Spirit was injured. I turned and looked at Giles fast asleep, his chest rising up, sinking down and his thick white hair curling round his ears. He could do with a haircut, I thought, smiling.

I could live with this man, well I already sort of have. He was kind, gentle, respected and encouraged me, one of my best friends; and the lovemaking. Oh, yes! I moved slowly, quietly, picked up my jogging kit, went and put the kettle on and got dressed.

In the daylight, as I drunk my tea on deck, I realized how _lucky_ we had been. Some of the boats that had been tied to the jetty had piled on top of each other; others had banged into one another, their sides smashed, with deep holes where water had poured in and half sunk them. In comparison, Spirit had only a broken mast; a smashed window with a small amount of damage around the frame; even our outboard was OK.

Giles appeared with a cup in his hand.

"You were right, we were lucky," I said, stepping towards him. "I wonder if anyone is hurt." I nodded towards the jetty, kissing him on his stubbly cheek.

He slipped his warm arm round my shoulders and we both stood staring at the movement of people examining their boats. I leant into him; he felt comfortable and my heart flipped.

I put an SOS out on my blog, phoned David, and told him what had happen. He said I was to film everything. A piece of very real drama would just add to the programme. In the meantime, he would see what he could come up with.

"He is so mercenary," I said and Giles cackled. "Everything is about marketing." Still, I had been bothered in case he wanted the money back for the programmes.

I did a quick bit of filming showing my injured boat; we decided to go to shore to have our breakfast, and then see if we could find a boat yard. The cafes were humming with what had happened and several people had been badly injured and taken to hospital. Some boats were damaged beyond repair. The boatyards were already fully booked with boats in need of restoring. After three yards, I thought we should try further a field in France; the storm had not hit the shore there. I was certain there would be several near Sete, the place where I had been on holiday with my parents. It was one of the places I was planning to stop at anyhow and is surrounded with boats and we could limp down there with the engines.

We went back to Spirit and I set about surfing the Internet, while Giles got lunch. I found a boatyard near to Sete; they were delighted for me to come; they had seen our blog and yes, they would be able to fix it and with a large discount if I filmed and promoted their yard!

We sat down to lunch and Hamish turned up with what we thought was his friend.

"I'm afraid I have a confession to make," Hamish said after looking at and discussing Spirit's damage, refusing lunch as they had eaten, while we consumed ours.

"Mmm, what's that?" Giles asked, taking another bite out of his sandwich.

"I'm a Turkish police officer."

That's how he knew those others were not police!

"Why didn't you tell us?" I asked puzzled.

"Well, in the beginning I was not sure if you were involved."

"Involved," Giles and I exclaimed together.

"Yes, in drugs."

"Drugs?" A stab of annoyance rippled my skin like a gust of wind. "There's no way we would have anything to do with drugs, or have them on board."

Hamish glanced at his companion, who nodded.

"We believe you do have them on board, but don't know it."

Giles was cross now. "Don't be daft, how could any have got on board? And surely we would have found them. There are not too many hiding places on this yacht." Then he gazed at Hamish, "...You've already looked. I thought that day you were searching for something."

"What day?" I asked.

"When we were in Marbella, you were visiting Dawn in hospital, with Rafael and I picked us up some food and got back early."

"Yes," Hamish said, ashamed.

Giles frowned, "How about you showing us some identity, before we go any further."

Hamish's dark eyes stared back, his face a shadow of sorrow, "Yes I could be lying, but I'm not." He pulled out his badge and so did his companion who was with the Spanish police.

"We know there are drugs here. Your friends, Steve and Laura, came aboard the day you went ballooning in Turkey."

Giles sounded amazed; "They said they were never in Turkey."

"Yes, that's when I realized you knew nothing about it," Hamish said.

I could not see why it had anything to do with Steve and Laura, even if they had been in Turkey. "What has it to do with Steve or Laura?"

"Have you not wondered how they funded their lifestyle? "

I shook my head. He wasn't suggesting that....

"They have a house in Antigua, another here in Spain and several in England and neither of them works," said Hamish.

"Well maybe they came up on the lotto or inherited it, or had some other luck."

"No they were not as fortunate as you," Hamish said. "I'm afraid we had all four of you checked out. Especially you, Francine; we thought you were in on it in the beginning, until we found out how you had come by so much money."

"I didn't know it was common knowledge." I looked at Giles, who stared in astonishment at me.

Giles eventually turned towards Hamish. "Well, if you think they have stored stuff on board why don't you ask them where it is?"

"Yes, we were going to; unfortunately they are both dead."

"Dead," I echoed.

"Yes, they were shot about two days ago."

My head spun; I couldn't take it in; Steve and Laura dead? And drug dealers? They must have them muddled with someone else.

"They were so nice; you have them mixed up." I murmured, slumping in my chair.

"Nice people are drug dealers too. They can afford to be nice. But they took advantage of you and your friendship," Hamish said. "They put drugs in your boat, double crossing some dangerous people; then something went wrong that stopped them from retrieving them."

Suddenly I remembered, "When we came back that day from ballooning I smelt Laura's perfume in my bathroom. I thought it was my imagination because we had been expecting them. The yacht had been all locked up."

"Let's take a look," Hamish said.

We all piled into the bathroom - well we tried.

"There is room behind the bath panelling for small sacks of drugs," said Hamish.

"Pull the front off," the Spanish police officer said.

"Hold it, don't pull it – I'll get a screwdriver," Giles ordered.

Hamish unscrewed the panel and there, stuffed along the side were four bags of what looked to me like caster sugar.

"Well this is it," Hamish said.

Together Hamish and the Spanish police officer took them out, and we went up on deck just as two men climbed on board, each with a gun in his hand.

"I've met you before. You're Steve's son, Turner," Giles exclaimed, glancing at their guns.

"That's right and we would like those bags you've got there."

"I don't think so," said Hamish.

"Listen, I'm more than happy to shoot you all, so just hand them over," Turner's black liquid eyes narrowed.

My heart raced into my throat and I went clammy.

Giles stepped in front of me, shielding me, "Hamish," Giles gazed towards him, his face tight with anxiety. "Give them the bags."

Hamish nodded; (I found out long after that Giles had given him a signal.) Hamish stepped forward, and as he went to give Turner the bag, hit his gun hand with them just as Giles and the Spanish police officer dived at the second man. A bullet cracked, whizzing into the air, then I heard the second gun explode, and all three collapsed onto the deck like dominoes as Hamish pulled his gun and stood over Turner.

It all happened so quickly.

Silently, a dark trickle of blood crept along the deck boards, oozing from under the three men piled on the deck. The Spanish policeman who was on top, got up first, with the gun in his hand and yanking Turner's friend up. Giles lay motionless, ashen faced, his shirt sodden with blood flowing from him like tiny rivers... I stood mesmerized by the growing puddle of blood, uncomprehending and then my stomach lurched, and I rushed to him. I fell to my knees, Giles's warm blood swimming like little frothing bubbles round them.

"Giles," I cried. "Giles," I turned to Hamish. "Do something," I demanded as Hamish secured the two men to the boat railings, while the Spanish policeman stood over them with his gun ready. Hamish nodded, pulling out his mobile and ordering an ambulance. Between us, we manhandled the unconscious Giles into the motorboat on which Hamish had arrived, and I scrambled in beside him. Hamish stripped off his shirt and tied it, as best he could, around Giles's wound, which I think was in his shoulder, but he was so coated in bright red smears, it was hard to tell. It looked like tomato sauce; I was really in a film; I must be.

Hamish was shouting at me, shaking my arm, "Take him to the shore, we will follow in the other boat.... Go"

I nudged the throttle and zoomed to the shore, where two more police officers came running over and gently lifted Giles from the boat just as an ambulance arrived. I went to get up and follow but my legs wouldn't support me and I was soaked in sweat, my mouth washed with the bitter taste of bile in the back of my throat. One of the ambulance men took over helping with Giles; the now free police officer pulled me to my feet, and half carried me into the ambulance, which swiftly took us to hospital where Giles was put on a trolley bed and whisked away.

I slipped into a chair, my clothes encrusted with Giles's blood. I was going to be sick; I undid my shirt buttons; blood clung to my fingers; I was so hot. Everything about me began to blur.

"Here drink this," a nurse put a cup to my quivering lips; my hands were trembling too much to hold it. The drink was a sickly warm tea. I never have sugar in my tea! Suddenly Hamish was there and I tumbled into his arms, tears streaming down my face.

* *

Giles lay as white as the sheet tucked around him. He had a plastic tube snaking into his arm, dark blood dripping through it and his eyes were closed; his lips held a tinge of blue, but he was alive. The surgeon had removed the bullet cleanly, but he had lost a lot of blood. We could only wait, but he was hopeful.

I had phoned Sam and told him about his father and he had said he would catch the next flight out. I sat quietly, holding Giles tanned frail hand; I knew the two of us had finished before it had begun. I leaned closer and kissed him on his wrinkled cheek; I felt his warm breath. Maybe I knew it was not to be with us because Giles was like Mum - he still loved his dead wife, but I didn't want him to join her.

In the early hours of the morning as I lay asleep in a chair with my head on the bed, I felt my hair being stroked. My head shot up and there was Giles, his gentle eyes upon me.

Large glistening tears started down my face again.

"You're OK, thank goodness, now...hush, hush," he cooed, his face crinkling with relief.

I kissed his soft cheek and lips; he looked hollow eyed as he wiped my tears with the palm of his hand.

"Where's your sleeve, you're going to drown me."

I chuckled, "Oh Giles, you're so..." He was my best friend and I would never love anyone as I loved him. His mouth curled into a smile, his eyelids fluttered shut, and his head fell back against the pillow.

I dosed in the chair until Sam woke me. He looked startled when he saw me as I sat up; I was still plastered in Giles's dried blood; then realising this, he hugged me, saying he had spoken to a nurse; his father was going to be all right. An overwhelming feeling of light headiness, like I had never experienced, unlocked my heart and it began beating again, tears threatening to brim over once more. Our voices must have woken Giles; he and Sam started talking as a nurse came in with some breakfast and Giles sat up, wincing.

"Have you had anything yet?" I asked Sam.

"I had something on the plane; I'm fine at the moment, thanks. Why don't you go back to the yacht and have a shower and a sleep and _you_ get yourself something to eat before you come back," Sam said kindly. I'll stay with Dad."

"Yes do," Giles agreed. "You look all in and I will only worry about you. If the police won't let you go back on the yacht, book a hotel room."

I nodded, I could see they wanted to be together and I was exhausted. On the way out, I met Hamish coming in. He was relieved to know Giles was going to be OK. He came back to the yacht with me and insisted he made me some food, while I had a bath. Then he watched me eat. I only wanted to sleep but I was too drained to argue. When I finished, I collapsed into bed and I heard his launch leave as I drifted into sleep.

It was three in the afternoon when I came awake. I showered put on some clean clothes, drunk some fruit juice, grabbed a banana, climbed into the outboard and hailed a taxi to the hospital. Giles was sitting in bed laughing with Sam and Hamish as if it was a normal afternoon! Colour had come back in his face and it lit up when he saw me.

"You look better," he grinned as I kissed him. "I was wondering if you should have been in this bed instead of me, you looked so bad this morning."

"Thanks," I laughed; he was teasing me already. "You look OK too now. I thought you were going to die, you looked so awful," my lip started trembling and he squeezed my hand and held it tenderly as I sat next to him on the edge of the bed.

"We've made an executive decision," Giles said; which meant he didn't want me to argue with him! "As soon as I get out of here, Sam, Hamish and I are going with you down to Sete to get the yacht fixed. Hamish has special permission to come."

"Oh, "I said. "Then what?"

"Well," Giles began.

I knew that was it, before Sam interrupted.

"Then I'm taking Dad back to England. He's going to sell his house and come down to Dorset with me. I have a new job, where I rarely have to travel. In addition, Mia is going to have a baby in October. There's a sailing school near us and they would like some volunteers to help."

I looked at Giles; he smiled weakly, not really meeting my eyes. "Well that sounds as if it's settled then," I said trying to flash a smile.

"Have you got your camera?" Giles asked me. I shook my head. "Well Sam, you go and get it while I talk to Fran. Dave will love this bit of drama, me being shot."

Sam took the hint; so did Hamish.

When they had gone, we sat there silently. I couldn't trust myself to speak.

"You and me," Giles began. "I'm not the one for you; I love you to bits, but..."

"Not enough... or as much as your wife," I finished for him.

"Yes," he nodded. "If I were twenty years younger, it would be different. I only want to put my feet up and watch telly, watch my grandchildren play. I've also had enough of travelling and my home is England. I think yours is here somewhere in the Med."

"I love you."

"And I _do_ love you; I will always love you. I'll visit you when I'm settled."

Tears were falling now, dripping onto the bed sheets like a cloud burst of rain; my heart was hurting; my stomach hurting, black hollowness entered me. Giles pulled me into his arms, forgetting his shoulder.

"Ow, shit,"

I lay on his good shoulder, sobbing silently, feeling numb. What was the matter with me, was I so hard to love?

"You will find love; love that is meant for you. Am I ever wrong?"

I sniffed. "Now let me see; there was this storm and you said everything will be fine, the mast broke..."

"I said _we_ would be fine and we were."

"Then there was..."

"I told you Dawn would be OK and she was."

I smirked. "OK, OK." I was too tired, too dead inside to disagree or care.

* *

In the next couple of days, under Giles direction, we filmed him pretending to be in pain - well I hope it was. Then Hamish found some blood, don't ask, he said; and we reconstructed the emergency rush into hospital with Sam as Giles (I kept the camera from his face). The following day we reconstructed the 'incident.' Incident! It was no incident to me and I didn't like filming it either; I felt wobbly and I couldn't hold the camera steady; so Hamish finished it with Sam and the back of some of Hamish's Spanish police companions, and me, looking pale and lost. Dave had his drama.

I sat quietly on the deck idly watching the sea, its glistening beauty adrift to me today as I ate my breakfast by myself. Giles was expected out from hospital later and Sam had gone early to collect him. Yesterday we had both given the police our statements. I found it debilitating and felt limp afterwards, although I was told it was the shock coming out. We would have to return to Spain some day in the future for Turner's trial. He had shot his parents! He was drugged up at the time, but as Hamish said, they had been tortured over several days before being shot. What a son..... It was hard to believe the horror that had happened. I felt numb with shock. I gazed towards the horizon, the sun hung golden in the blue sky, the sea sparkled like jewels in the calm hushed air; not even a sea gull squawked, the world had stopped... I shook my head free of the repugnance that played flashbacks in my mind.

Giles was right; I did want to live here in the sun. I wanted to wake up and see the sea every day, smell the salt air and listen to the birds screeching. Maybe I could get a house near Sete and Mum could live with me, at least part of the time. After all she and Dad had thought of buying a house there once, and I loved it there as a child. I suspected it might have changed? Would I still like it? Then there were my children. Would I see them any less, if I lived abroad? Chloe, if she married this Oliver, would probably settle in Sussex, with him. There was Joel; what about him? He would be in Lincoln with Ben. Maybe Joel and I could live together there. Mmm, not for long, he would be off soon, marrying some girl. Then what.... The night with Giles came drifting into my head and my insides knotted.

Stop that...

There was my diving and underwater photography; I still wanted to do that. I think the last week had stopped me wanting to travel, but I didn't want to sell Spirit. I sighed, where do I go from here? First, though, I had to finish the programmes somehow, by myself with no yacht. Focus on that... It was meant to be 300 days travel - that's what the programmes were contracted for. We had started in late September and it was only May. I needed at least two more months. I groaned.

Later, I mentioned my dilemma to Giles; he suggested I use some of the footage we shot in Malta when we had all been together with our diving group. That was in early June; and some of the earlier footage while we were in Malta with my mum, Mel and the kids and before we started our travels. I had only been practising taking film of food, markets, and a festival... Yes, there was at least a month's worth of footage. Mmm, just another six weeks then; I could make that, surely. I could take lots of film in Sete with a commentary on my childhood - find some links...mmm the ideas were coming.

Giles could not travel for a few days as he had to go back to the hospital to have his stitches out and the wound checked to make sure it was healing OK. I found it hard to motivate myself but Giles insisted I do some diving and filming with Hamish and Sam. A mile off the coast, were the Isles of Medes, an archipelago of seven small islands, a few with a reef with underwater tunnels and cavities and octopuses! It had coloured seaweeds and down deeper, miniature brightly coloured forests. Hamish had taken several weeks off from work to help us, and he liked diving and doing the filming. It was also impossible to be anything but happy with him; it was like being with Sharon, he did not do miserable. I asked if he could extend his stay until the end of June but he shook his head sadly; no, he had only two weeks more.

The day after Giles had the OK, we limped down to Sete. It was not as I remembered but I liked it immediately. Sete was the largest fishing port on the French Mediterranean coast. There was sea everywhere as it is surrounded by water on all sides; Sete was connected to the mainland by a thin peninsula and canals wound their way through the city. It was known as little Venice with many boats, of all shapes and sizes, bobbing, moored in the numerous canals.

I phoned the boat yard and arranged to book in the yacht in the morning. The yard was between Sete and Agde so we had actually passed it! Therefore, we had to backtrack and tied up at one of the small marinas along the Cape de Adge, close to the boatyard. We needed to find some accommodation for a few nights for Giles, Sam, and Hamish and for me until I could live on the boat again. That evening we found a restaurant to eat in, in the marina. The young girl who owned it was vibrant, sassy and seemed to know everyone who came into her restaurant. She was utterly beautiful, night black hair spiralling to her waist with the biggest dark brown eyes under the longest heavy lashes I have ever seen. I saw Hamish glancing at her; what man wouldn't? Her name was Nadine and we asked her if she knew somewhere for us to stay.

"If you come back tomorrow morning, I have a house next door you could rent. I will show it to you. If you like it, then OK. If not I'll tell you about some others."

A place in the marina; it would suit me fine for a while; and it did. It was small, like my terraced house at home but it felt different, because it was light and airy with large windows that had views of the sea. Upstairs in one of the bedrooms there was a small balcony and when I stood on it, I felt like I did on Spirit. So I took it. We hired a car and spent the rest of the day helping Giles and me to pack. The boat would take about three weeks to be repaired, not as if I could go far without some help crewing anyhow. I promised to come back and take regular film of the boatyard and the boats they were building and my yachts progress.

Sam said as we left the yard, "Well, you will get a good job done, with you filming it, if they want to impress."

I had never thought of that. So at least I could stop worrying about them mending it properly. That evening Nadine endorsed their work.

"They have a good reputation; your boat will be like new when it is finished."

I also received, much to my surprise, a phone call from Chloe. She had seen a video clip on the Internet about Giles and was wondering if I was injured. I reassured her. She was in Greece. When I put down my mobile, I thought I should maybe ring Joel; he was in the middle of his exams; I didn't want him to fret. He hadn't seen the clip and Chloe had not been in touch. Then I rang Mel.

The last few days had been hard for me, crying every night to myself in bed. Giles was leaving and I just couldn't bear the thought, not just because I would be on my own, but because I wanted to have him stay in my life. I felt unlovable again, that there was something wrong with me. The day before he left, he and I spent the day together. We took the car and a picnic and wandered along the coast, stopping at a quiet sandy cove for the lunch Nadine had packed. He didn't attempt to kiss me, which hurt, but we sat together, he holding my hand as we watched the sea.

Giles said at length, "I hope you'll be alright after I've gone."

What did he want me to say? I was not all right now, let alone when he goes.

"I'll have to be, won't I?"

"I need to go home; don't make me feel any worse than I do," Giles pleaded.

"What about what I feel?"

"When you come back in August, let's talk then. I feel exhausted since I was shot. All I want now is my safe house in Lincoln, familiar things, and people. I'm sorry."

When I gazed into his mottled grey eyes, I saw the distress he was in. How selfish I was being, thinking how I would miss him. He nearly died; no wonder he wanted to get home. I leaned against his chest and he kissed the top of my head.

"I like my own company; I'll be fine. I shall just miss you like hell."

"And me you."

Then he kissed my lips, tenderly, sweetly, in the way that gave me goose bumps. I somehow knew then, that he would never have the courage to live with me properly, even in England. I had expected too much. The next day at the airport, although I was resolved not to cry, I did; so did Giles and he kissed me fully on the mouth with our tears mingling. I think it embarrassed Sam but he said nothing.

Hamish took me back to the marina and we sat together quietly for a while. He asked Nadine for a meal of spaghetti for two, and brought it back as I did not feel like going out or being sociable. I just wanted to curl up and cry. Hamish opened a bottle of wine and I drank most of it, then I went to bed. The next day Hamish insisted we went diving. I didn't want to, but then I didn't want to do anything, except snuggle on the chair and look out at the sea; so we went diving, taking some good film and I did feel better when we got back. The following day Hamish left and I was on my own, with a black hole in my heart.

# CHAPTER SIXTEEN

### Love stories

Three days later when I got in from filming at the boat yard (it had been the first time I had managed to get myself out of the house), I received a call from Chloe; she was at the airport, and could I come and pick her up. All the way to the airport, I was in floods of tears. All I did lately was cry. When I saw her all brown, shiny and looking well I fell into her arms and really sobbed.

To my amazement, Chloe was a great comfort and even liked the house, or at least she said she did. I think my weeping had unnerved her. She had a shower and we went next door and had one of Nadine's wonderful meals. She chatted about Oliver and showed me some photos; well to be correct, a box full of photos, some of India and Oliver, some of Christmas and Oliver, some of her travels and erm, Oliver. He had left for England a month ago and she was going home early, as Rachel and she were not getting on so well; they had not been able to agree on where they wanted to go. Then Chloe saw my video clip and decided to leave, so she left Rachel who had met up with some snooty friends of hers and was staying with them in Greece. Ah, Chloe was not 'top dog,' as Joel would have said.

Over the next few days we did shopping and I showed her how to dive; shopping and she came to the markets and helped me film; shopping and she tried to get me to buy some more 'presentable' clothes; shopping... oh no more! So I sent her, with money, by herself and I had a lazy day. We did have a laugh together though, and I felt closer to her than I had for a long time. Not as we used to be; I don't think we would ever be like that again, but it was good and she raised my spirits.

I asked her what her plans were now; she wasn't sure. Oliver had a job in a hospital in Sussex and she was going to join him and see if she could acquire a job there or somewhere nearby. Oliver had his London house on the market and they would be looking for a home together in Sussex.

"I could give you some money and you could buy into a partnership or start your own practice and rent out rooms for other therapies like Karen."

"Mmm I heard you had some money."

And I was daft enough to think she came here for me!

"Who told you?" but I knew it was Ben.

"Dad; I phoned for some money and he told me to ask you."

"So that's why you're here," I couldn't help myself.

"No, it was because of the shooting," but she couldn't look me in the eyes.

"What did you want money for; I still give you some every month."

"Yes, but Rachel and her friends spend a lot and me...well."

"Feel left out."

"Sort off, but I don't want it now," she said sulkily. "I'm going home, from here."

"I think that would be best. Tell me, do you love this Oliver, or is it because he is reasonably wealthy?"

"I love him!"

"Are you sure?" She nodded and her face glowed at the thought of him. "I hope so, or you are in for a miserable life," I said gazing at her. "You're worth more than selling yourself."

She looked up, surprised, "I know, but I like money and nice things; I can't help it; I always had nice things, you saw to that."

"Remember though that you are a remarkable person, if you give yourself a chance. Go home and start a clinic, or find a gym and start your own business there. Work hard and you are clever enough to do anything you want. I told you I would give you some money for such an enterprise."

"I know all that, but you don't get it do you? I'm not keen on working hard. You did enough for you and me for a lifetime. Where did it get you? Look how sad you are. I'm not going to make the same mistake. I'll be very happy staying at home with kids, then staying at home when they go to school doing shopping and horse riding and my own thing. And Oliver can provide that and is very glad about providing it; his parents are workaholics too."

Workaholics, is that what I was? I was speechless. All that uni we put her through. Then I thought of Sharon; well she's no different and look how happy she is.

"Answer me this Mum. Are you enjoying travelling and not working for a living? Or were you happier working for Dad and having _no_ life?"

I suppose technically, I didn't have to work now, although I sort of had been these past months. However, I suddenly got her point. There was more to life than a successful working ambition, tied to a job and life passing me by, _if_ you have a choice. But I never craved ambition like Ben did; I just drifted in to his dream, and did all the work for it.

"Mmm, but I wasn't _unhappy;_ one day rolled into another. I see what you mean, though. Life swept me by. Well I just want you to be happy, have a contented life."

"I intend to, and I do love Oliver."

Who said she was too lazy to be competitive? Joel had; but she was a determined and competitive young woman who most definitely knew what she wanted. All I wanted was her happiness; if that was how she would find it, OK.

She stayed another two days, then I took her to the airport and we promised to see each other in August. I gave her an extra cheque towards her engagement or for living on. I would still give her the 'allowance.'

After she had gone, I reflected on what she said. I hadn't been unhappy with Ben, but I had had no time to think otherwise. Occasionally I had felt trapped; I suppose that was a sort of unhappiness. I had wanted different holidays; we always went walking, usually up mountains, or had city holidays, looking at galleries, museums, or old castles; at least one by the sea would have been good, but Ben was not keen on the sea, or water. I remember feeling bored about some of the holidays, wishing they would leave me behind. Then there was the time I had pneumonia and collapsed half way up a mountain, which had annoyed Ben, as if I had done it on purpose to 'spoil' his holiday. I had loved being in hospital and having time to myself and later at Mum and Dad's, being pampered and reading, while Ben had to cope with our kids. Now I knew why he had let me stay with my parents! I had also resented not going to the theatre or dancing, more things Ben was not keen to do.

Funnily enough, I enjoyed the following weeks, Chloe's visit had broken the spell of self-pity; I never felt lonely or depressed, like in England, and I sat on my balcony each morning eating my breakfast. I did get unbearable pangs in my insides when I thought of Giles, especially for a few days after he phoned me. He was feeling resilient again and his shoulder was healing well.

I began to feel sexy _all_ the time; I couldn't get my mind off it. I noticed fellows and their bulges in their trousers and wondered how big they were, what they would be like to make love too. I saw sexual things in pictures, in music, in the shapes of objects around me and the cravings overwhelmed me.... I was turning into a sex maniac! I knew it was because of Giles and his lovemaking and I yearned for him; it was like a deep pit in my stomach.

With Nadine's help I found several restaurants and fish markets to film and she took me one day to see her Uncle, an oyster fisherman. The area is known for its oysters; I filmed them harvesting them and even helped to collect the oysters, which was fun, and we had a happy time. The region was also famous for its 'bouillabaisse,' a fish stew. Nadine made a good tasty one; I filmed her in the kitchen making it, and she filmed me eating it later in her restaurant and I put it on my blog, with the recipe.

Then one day when I was passing an estate agent, I casually looked to see what was available. There was nothing I fancied, but later I mentioned it to Nadine; we were becoming good pals.

"What kind of house are you after?" she asked in her lovely French accent. Although my French was improving, she always spoke to me in English.

"I would like something old and on the beach, private with land."

"A beach house will cost."

"Yes, well for the right position it would be worth it."

"Are you thinking of a holiday home?"

"No; somewhere permanent; I like it here."

Two days later, she showed me a photo of an old French villa with a round turret at one end.

"It has land; it used to be a vineyard and it has an old winery, surrounded with pines and about seventy hectares in two lots. But you cannot build on either plot. The house is about four hundred yards through pine trees, to the sea, but it has no beach. It is just over a mile from here. Just turn right outside at the roundabout and up the hill from the marina. It used to belong to my great grandmother's sister who died about seven years ago. Her family now live in and around Paris, and I think they are hard up, what with the recession, and they have been thinking of selling for a while. It's not on the market, but I have the keys and if you like I can take you there tomorrow. It will have to be early in the morning because I need to get back for lunch. My grandma will help here until I return. They want a million pounds for it.

I was intrigued; near the sea. "That sounds OK."

Next morning, as we drove along the road towards the villa, Nadine pointed out that the pine trees and scrubland to our right from the marina roundabout was also part of the estate; but no building development was allowed on it. Then when we entered the gates, she drove me round the side and across the back where the sea was. As soon as I saw the view when we came through the trees and there was the turquoise sea about two metres below me, I knew it was for me.

"Oh I like it, adore it, just what I was hoping for. I'll have it."

Nadine looked astonished, "But you have not seen the house yet, let alone inside it."

"No, but I can do things to a house; I can't do anything to get a view like that." The azure sea was crystal clear as I stared down into it. Fish were darting along the rocky shore and off to the left, about a mile away, you could see the marina and the boats.

"The house needs attention, you might not like it. Come, let me show you."

I think she thought I was mad. Maybe I was.

The house certainly needed work. The roof had tiles missing, the windows were nearly falling out, with vines and flowers growing over some, and the garden was well overgrown. My imagination took over; I would knock out all the back windows, and as much of the walls as possible, and I'd put all new, large, folding glass doors and windows right along the back so I could see the sea. Mmm, after cutting down some of the pines, so I could actually see the sea, from the house. It would be like being on my boat then. There were two reception rooms, all with oak flooring; I would stain those and varnish them like the deck of Spirit. One of the sitting rooms went half way along the back of the house, with the smaller one in the front. The kitchen was ancient and leading off it was a small breakfast room. I would knock the two rooms into one large room and have a new kitchen. Then there was a library; a library! I could buy a writing desk and do my books and things here. Then there was a dining room that would open out onto the terrace; well, once I'd knocked through the wall and had glass patio doors installed. There was a smaller room; mmm, maybe a study, and another long room; how about a billiards table and games room? Mmm.... I couldn't play billiards, but Joel, Keith, and the boys could. And there was a large walk-in cupboard, so big I could turn it into a cloakroom, with a downstairs loo.

Upstairs there were six enormous double bedrooms, two with bathrooms, one in the middle at the back of the house with a large balcony terrace with steps that lead up to an overgrown roof garden. This was mine! I would give the four remaining bedrooms en suite shower rooms.

A couple of metres away from the house was the small winery - a crumbling half-standing round, turreted 'building.' It was big enough for a large indoor swimming pool for the winter - if it had a roof – maybe in glass, like a conservatory. I could have the walls rebuilt with glass with glass doors, again, that fold all along the back and overlook the garden and sea; and I could open them in the summer and there could be a small glass corridor attached to the house, so in the winter I could stay indoors when I went to the pool.

At the opposite end of the house to the winery, there was a t-shaped large double garage of sorts, and a barn. I could turn part of that in to Mum's residence. The garden had an overgrown vegetable plot with fruit trees; I could tame that. Dead grape vines filled the fields around the garden to each side of the house; not sure about those, but there was plenty of land to create a garden.

"I still want it," I said to Nadine.

When we arrived at Nadine's restaurant, she enlisted my services; it was swarming with customers, and Nadine's grandma looked withered. About three in the afternoon, it all went quiet. Nadine got in touch with her family, and I phoned Julia, my solicitor in England.

The following week my yacht was finished and looked beautiful. I asked Nadine if she thought it possible for me to have a jetty built in the sea below the house I was buying. She thought it was probable and put me in touch with another person she knew, who would sort out permission for that along with a man-made beach that I wanted to create. I decided not to live on the yacht but to stay in Nadine's house until I went to England next month - at the end of July.

"What would I do without you?" I said and she grinned.

"My family and I have lived here all my life; I know many people."

" _All_ your life, how old are you?"

"Twenty, a few weeks ago."

I grinned, "Oh, that's a lot of years. Can you also find me some builders, carpenters, plumbers, electricians, painters, and a gardener? I have to go to England in August; I would like the work done while I'm away. Well at least make it habitable, for when I come back in September."

Laughing, she said, "My, you will keep the whole of France in work. I'll see what I can do."

The following weeks I went looking for kitchens, showers and bathroom tiles, and kitchen floor tiles, in between putting my books together or reviewing my films. A week into July the house was mine. I arranged to meet the builders and carpenters and I had picked out a kitchen. They started the following day.

Bastille Day was the fourteenth of July; Nadine had found me her friend, Louis, to crew with us, and we sailed the short distance to Sete for the celebrations. Spirit sailed with the same grace as before the accident and I was elated.

"I didn't know you had time off," I grinned towards her and Louis as he curled his arm round her shoulders and the sun warmed our faces.

"Oh I have lots of time off; we close for a couple of months in the winter and in spring, before it gets busy, we are closed on Mondays and Tuesdays and usually when Papa is here I can take any day off I want. He will be back soon, the 2nd of August; he hates being away, he is such a, how do you say, Baby Bunting. He is never going away for so long again, because he misses me too much. I told him he needs to get a life; he said I was his life...he's hopeless."

However, I saw the love shining in her eyes, when she spoke about him, "Where is he?"

"In Canada, I was with him until a few days before you came, celebrating my birthday."

"What does he do?"

"He is an archaeologist, a little like you, an underwater archaeologist. I used to go with him every trip, until I took over the restaurant, even when I was at school. Oh and how the school used to get mad. I said I will have to cut the apron strings soon, he is a big boy now."

I roared with laughter; I glanced at Louis, "It sounds as if anyone who ever marries you has a lot to live up to."

Louis smirked and they both giggled together; then he went along the deck and made ready for us to anchor.

"Louis is just a friend, since we were children. Papa has said though, that no one is good enough for _me_. I asked him if he wanted to condemn me to a spinster's life."

"Well I pity the boy who does fall in love with you. It sounds as if he will have a fight on his hands, with your Dad."

"No he won't; I shall marry who I want, just like Grams (her grandmother) did. Have you heard the love story about Grams?"

I shook my head. "How could I?"

"Because it is told as folk lore around here. My Grams fell in love with Grandpapa; he was from the Caribbean. Grams' papa didn't like him and forbade her to see him; not just because he was dark, which in those days was oh la, la but he was also ten years older than Grams and had no job or career prospects. He was a drifter who wrote music and songs and wandered round the world until he met Grams. Grams though, loved him since the day she first set eyes on him and she eloped with him. They went to America and went back and forth from there to the Caribbean, where Papa and Uncle Michael were always in the water."

"Oh the oyster farmer, he's your Dads brother."

"Oui; eventually, when Grams had the two boys, her parents forgave her. Then Grandpapa hit the 'big time,' as he called it. He became rich with his music and songs and, when Papa was seventeen, Grandpapa bought my restaurant but it was a music bar then), and came here to live, and they have lived here ever since, until Grandpapa died just over three years ago."

"What a lovely story."

"My Papa and Mama's story is just as romantic, want to hear it?"

"Oh yes."

"Well when Grandpa was setting up the music bar, and moving into the rooms above it, he sent Papa to the patisserie, which Mama's family owned and Mama worked in. Papa asked for eight custard doughnuts and when their eyes met, they fell in love. Just like that! He even went off to uni and they saw each other rarely, but as soon as he had finished, he came back and they married. She went with him on his trips and took me," Nadine's eyes took on a faraway look.

"Is your Mama with your Papa in Canada then?"

"No, she died when I was nine."

I felt awful, "I'm sorry."

"Oh it's alright, that is why I am my Papa's life. He still loves her and I look like her."

Just like Giles and Mum.

"What's he doing in Canada?"

"Investigating some wreck for a programme with the Canadian broadcasting company. But he hates it; the water is cold as well. He usually works for French television but his last programme was a bit of a flop. Actually, it was boring; he was just sifting the seabed to find a piece of broken pottery. Not exactly stimulating stuff, but he loves diving, he used to dive in the Caribbean when he was young, until Grams and Grandpapa came to live here. We still go there every year."

The sun was burning hot even though it was only nine in the morning. We anchored Spirit in the bay where Nadine said was the best spot to see everything later. There was to be water jousting in the afternoon, which I had never heard of, let alone seen, and fireworks across the sea in the evening. Meanwhile I took my camera and we headed in the outboard for the shore. There was music drifting across the harbour and lots of colourful market stalls on the waterfront. Everyone seemed to wave or greet Nadine and all asked her the same question: when that Papa of hers was coming home? They missed his musical nights.

After a while, I asked about the musical nights.

"Oh Papa plays the saxophone and piano and sings; Uncle Michael comes over and every Friday they drag the house piano out into the street. Then either Papa or Uncle Michel plays the piano; usually it's Uncle Michael and Papa plays the sax; sometimes I join in on the piano playing too and Uncle Michael plays a clarinet. Only Papa usually sings. It's wonderful, we have so many people in the restaurant that they have to bring their own tables and chairs if they want to eat sitting along the harbour front. It's really spellbinding, as it used to be with Grandpapa, when I was small. When you come back in September you must come."

"I promise I will." It sounded great and I loved jazz and rock, especially the sound of a saxophone.

"Maybe I can smarten Papa up if he knows there is an English woman coming."

I smiled, she liked me as much as I liked her but she was wasting her time if she thought her father and me... He had had the love of his life and she may be dead but still in his head, just like Giles.

But she bubbled on,

"He looks like a pirate most of the time. He has his hair in braids to his shoulders, or tied in a tail, or loose and wears one earring in his right ear lobe. He wears only three quarter length trousers to just below the knee, not shorts, or long proper trousers. His skin sort of looks tanned all the time and he never buttons up his shirt, just ties it in a big knot. I told him he only needs a medallion worn over his chest, especially when he dances. He is a very sexy dancer according to my friends; he just embarrasses me, wiggling his hips. He just laughs at me, he takes nothing seriously and says one day he will find a gold doubloon, and wear it like a medallion on a chain round his neck. He probably means it too - and like you, he rarely has anything on his feet, unless he has too. However, he cares not about what people think. They have to take him or leave him." Nadine rolled her eyes but I had seen the sparkle in her face when she talked about her father; he would be a hard act to follow for any boy that might fall for Nadine.

After filming on shore and having a special cocktail which was not just fruit juice as Nadine claimed, because my head began to swim, we went back to the boat and had a late lunch. I felt more sober after lunch I'm glad to say.

Then I filmed the water jousting. They have two boats with platforms at the side and six men on each platform. The boats race towards each other and one jouster on each team tries to knock their opponent into the water. They have about six to ten turns at charging each other. Each time a jouster falls in the water, the crowd send up an almighty cheer. All this while two bands play on the back of each of the boats. It was hilarious; I was laughing such a lot I'm not sure if any of the footage will be much good. In the evening, there was the most magnificent firework display, one of the best I've ever seen. Their colours looked twice as magical reflected over the water.

By the end of July, my house roof had been fixed; luckily, not a lot needed doing to it. The back walls and windows were knocked out; the inside walls I wanted removed, gone, and the windows and some of the doors in glass where half put in, and they had also installed half the kitchen.

Outside, I had most of the pine trees directly at the back of the house taken up so the house seemed to nestle amongst the remaining trees and a digger cut out the soil from the sea to one hundred metres to the house. It made a small cove, with a slope that gradually went into the water, which was covered with sand, and a jetty was built to the left as you looked from the house. Spirit sat bobbing, tied to the jetty. It was so alluring that I was reluctant to leave it all, but I had to go to England as promised.

# CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

### Celebrations

I flew into East Midlands airport and picked up a hire car as I had the entire camera and equipment to cart about. First, I went to Mel's as I was staying with her and Mum and showed them photos of the house I had bought. Mum was impressed especially when I told her she would have a place of her own, if she wanted. She said she would love to come down for the winter and Mel and the kids were enthusiastic about coming in the holidays.

The following morning I went to Chrissie's; I had to shop with her for my Maid of Honour dress. The wedding was at the end of August, in less than four weeks' time. She was wearing a pale green silk suit, as she didn't want to wear a white wedding dress; she had done that last time. Karen and I were to wear a contrasting deeper green. Karen had seen two dresses she liked and had pre-booked them. I hoped I would like them too, as I could see she was excited and would be disappointed if not. Luckily I did. They were off-the-shoulder and slinky, simple and would suit us both.

I met Joel for lunch; he was staying with Ben, in his old room, and he didn't look happy. I was going to his graduation ceremony in two days, alas with Ben and Lucy too.

"What did you pass with?" Maybe he was upset about his results. "I got a 1 –1 top score," he smirked.

Mmm... It was Ben then. "Well good, I thought you would. How's Dad?"

"Miserable. The company is not doing well and the mag even worse."

Ah huh.

"What have you tried to do about it?"

"I've come up with a lot of ideas. I wanted to do a comic strip in the mag, but that was vetoed. I wanted to go into printing posters and leaflets etc, anything to keep the printing company going. No, I was told," Joel shrugged.

"How about you start a new feature about celebrities, starting with me? You could interview them; take photos of their gardens, houses, or doing some hobby or something. People love reading about celebrities. Begin with ones in your local area. It will increase the turnover of the readership which in turn will bring you in more clients who want to advertise in the mag."

"Well that's a good idea - if I can get them to agree. They're both stuck in the mud when it comes to new ideas."

"Approach it differently. Go and get the interview and the feature first, then present it to them."

"Yes, I could try," he brightened. "Who do you suggest I start with after you?"

"Well, how about 'Angelina,' that singer you're crazy about? I know her cousin and she owes me one."

"Oh Mum you're so cool."

I like being 'cool.'

"Are you still coming to London next weekend?"

"Oh yes, most definitely. I've told Dad. He wasn't pleased when I said I would be gone for two weeks, helping you. However, I said, I don't do much here; I'm either the tea boy, or clear up or answer the phone."

That evening Giles came and picked me up and we went to dinner. I was longing to see him and had dressed specially. He looked well and was too cheerful. My stomach plunged; I knew why, so I put him out of his agony.

"I've bought a house in France."

"You have, where?"

"Near the marina, where I rented that house."

"I thought you might."

"How about you, when are you moving to Dorset?"

"August Bank Holiday officially, but Sam has been up several times and taken some of my things down. I think he was wondering if I might change my mind."

"But you won't?" My eyes went glassy.

He grabbed my hands. "I'm not for you, I only wish I was and had the energy."

"I wish you had too. What if I come and buy another house nearby in Dorset?"

He shook his head, "I'll come and see you, soon, in France," he laughed nervously; "When the weather is horrid here."

"That would be nice; you could make it a regular thing." I could have a sort of relationship like Sharon and Samuel. But I saw his expression; I won't hold my breath then. "How's Mia?"

"Well, so I understand. And Sam likes his new job."

This was awful; we had run out of polite conversation. "I'm going over to see Dawn and Raphael tomorrow; want to come?" I didn't want to end us like this.

"Yes, OK."

"I'll pick you up then, about eleven; they're showing me the unit they've bought and things for the new business, and then we'll have lunch."

He asked what I had done to finish the programme and the conversation got easier.

Dawn was as big as a house and hating it, but the baby was not due for two months; she thought maybe it was an elephant she was carrying. Raphael just laughed and stroked her stomach. All the time I was there, he seemed to be stroking or holding her tummy, the pride spilling out of him. Giles was like his easy happy self, so we all had a lovely day, and it brought back memories of us on our travels. We had had some good times even if it went wrong at the end.

The following day I drove with Joel to his university (Ben was bringing him back). I was nervous, and had dressed with special care because of Ben and Lucy being there. I had on a pale lavender dress and shoes and I felt good and looked good, or I thought so and that is what counts. When Joel received his certificate, he smirked at us like he used to when he was a child. Oh, I love him and felt so proud. The tears welled up as he gazed towards Ben and me...Oh, and Lucy. We all made an effort and had civilized conversations until the ceremony and the reception was over, then Ben manpowered me to one side.

"How could you get _both_ of your books and _other_ book deals all published with Jason, when you know how I'm struggling? Have you no loyalty?"

I'm sure my jaw dropped open. There he was, standing with his adulterous bit on the side; he cheated on me throughout our married life, and he swindled me out of my half of the business and he had the audacity... What was this man on? Drugs! Anger bubbled up inside me like a volcano. "That's rich coming from you, talking about loyalty. You don't know the meaning of the word."

"Well, I thought for Joel's sake, you might have considered it. He was hoping to take over the business. What has he to inherit now?"

"He will have a lot to inherit, _from me_. He won't need to worry."

"But he wants a publishing business."

"I'll get him a new one," suddenly realising that in truth, I really could.

Lucy glared at me, and then dragged Ben away. Was it her that had put Ben up to that? Joel had said she was a gold digger. Well she was not getting any more of my money; she had had enough of it already, even if I was rich.

I went from the graduation to London and met Dave; he had arranged for me to stay in a hotel suite for the next two and half weeks. I worked solidly on my books with him, when we were not at the studio doing the programme editing. Joel came on the first Saturday; his input impressed Dave, and later Jason, when he came to work with me on the books, offered him a job. Eventually everything was finished and Joel and I went down to Sussex to see Chloe and meet Oliver.

I had booked a smart hotel and when Joel and I checked in, he whistled at its splendour.

"This will sure impress sis."

She and Oliver were coming to dinner that evening.

It did impress sis, and I liked Oliver; he was not what I had expected. He was polite, not at all snobbish, or opinionated, which somehow I thought he would be. He was witty, cared very much about being a doctor, and I could see how much he adored Chloe. Chloe had a job in the hospital for only three days a week and Oliver worked four days so they had lots of time together. Just what Chloe had wanted. I was pleased for her. Next day Chloe showed us her house, which was old, large and very pretty with tiles that hung over the front, mingled with roses. It had four bedrooms. Plenty of room for kids she giggled. We would see them both again at Chrissie's wedding; both had been invited and were staying with Ben and Lucy the night before. Mmm, that's all the family then staying with Ben; how homely...

Joel drove me back to Lincoln next day; it was the first time he had driven me. He was sensible and good, thank goodness. I wondered if he is usually this sensible with his mates and things. Oh, stop that and cross your fingers that he is.

On the Friday before Chrissie's wedding, we met at Sharon's for dinner, like we used to. Sharon had been away until a few days ago. Dinner was delicious as usual, and Sharon reckoned she should be on my programme and I agreed. Chrissie said how well her salon was going, greater than she had ever imagined. And I told them about the house I had bought. Sharon had her house up for sale and was also thinking of moving abroad. She was fed up with the cold and now her mum had died, the only thing that had brought her back to England, she could not see the point of staying. In addition, Samuel was going into semi-retirement, which apparently meant only two trips away a year and no way was he living in England; he liked the sun too much.

"Why don't you come back to France and take a look at my place and France in general?" Therefore, we arranged that she would come back with me after the wedding.

The wedding was in an old eighteenth century hotel and the day was lovely, sunny, and hot, a day you couldn't have wished to be grander, especially in England. Chrissie looked stunning, her blond hair shining, pale green was definitely her colour; and Andy scrubbed up OK too. It was a relaxed occasion and because the weather was so warm, we were all in the garden. The scent of the honeysuckle in the evening, drifted intoxicatingly in the air and the music from the band mingled softly around us. I sat with my two children and Oliver, and we chatted about everything and nothing; it was a wonderful evening, and it had been a wonderful day. We were all booked into the hotel and feeling pleasant from too much wine; I made my way upstairs, hugging my children to me as we all said goodnight.

* *

Three days later, I was standing in front of my house in France with Sharon. Only the garden was still in need of some care and attention, especially the bougainvillea climbing up the front of the house. I couldn't wait to start; I had such plans.

"Well, what do you think?"

"Breathtaking."

"Wait until you see round the back of the house."

The back even stunned me; the whole of it shimmered like a big glass wall, reflecting the lawn and sea in front of it. There were a few brick pillars at intervals to hold the house up, but I would soon have plants growing up those. The glass doors ran right along the length of the back terrace. The terrace now had pale peach tiles that went inside and throughout the kitchen too. The kitchen had been completely finished with white painted wood units and grey tops with pale peach walls.

Upstairs the bedrooms had all been finished with floor to ceiling windows or doors and en suites. My bathroom had been updated and was very sophisticated in appearance, like the one on the yacht. All the rooms needed was furniture. I had no beds yet, but I had warned Sharon she would have to sleep on the boat until we had beds.

The following days we trailed round furniture shops and by the end of the week, we had several beds, tables and chairs for the kitchen and dining room, one sofa in white for the small front sitting room, to go with dark plum cushions and curtains. One day I intended to go back to Turkey and buy some of their beautiful carpets. I couldn't find another settee that I liked for the big back sitting room as I planned to have a turquoise or pale green room, so it would have a sea feeling about it. I also ordered some curtains for the bedrooms. It was beginning to feel homely. Sharon had been in and out estate agents and had found a house she liked almost straight away, about four miles inland, with a pool. Therefore, Samuel was coming next Monday.

On the Friday, we went down to the marina to see Nadine, have dinner and listen to the music she had told me about. When she saw me, she rushed at me, squeezing me with pleasure. I had come early, as we wanted a meal and I remembered she said how busy it got and I had no spare tables to bring! After ordering, she sat chatting with me, when suddenly her face lit up; and there was her father, just as she had described, except that he had large dark brown beautiful eyes just like Nadine's. My heart leapt. I think he spoke but I couldn't take my eyes from his. He eventually laughed and it broke the spell.

"Sorry, what did you say?"

"I have heard a lot about you. You have enchanted my daughter and I can see why."

* I glanced desperately at Sharon, who was grinning at me, but when she saw my begging expression, she started with her charm and I could breathe again.

The evening and the atmosphere were wicked, as Joel would say. Dominic, (Nadine's father) and Michael played the piano to start and it was awesome, then Dominic played his saxophone; he played like the devil possessed. I never knew music could be played like that on a saxophone. His brother Michael was good too, on the piano, but he lacked the passion. Dominic was definitely the star. Now and again, he glanced towards me; once he winked, and I think I blushed! And I don't do blushing at all! Later he started dancing, well wiggling his hips, jigging up and down with the rhythm, and singing as he stood playing the piano with his brother. ...I could see why Nadine's friends found it sexy. God! I was wetting my pants just looking at him.

Suddenly, it was one a.m. in the morning, and it all ended; I could have sat there all night. As I went and kissed Nadine goodnight and to thank her, Dominic came over and kissed me goodnight too; my legs went weak. For goodness sake woman! It was a French custom and he did the same to Sharon; it meant nothing, but it sent an electric charge all over me.

That night I masturbated, fantasizing it was Dominic, then I drifted into sleep, not dreaming of Giles for the first time since we had made love.

The next morning Sharon went off to the supermarket and I went swimming in my own little cove. I took my net with me hoping to catch some fish for lunch, but even if I caught some, I wondered if I could fillet them. I still found it awful to do and on the yacht, either Raphael or Giles had done it. However, I had warned Sharon.

"It's no good looking at me; I'm not offering. I can't think of anything worse," and she shuddered. "I'll get some fish from the market, shall I, instead?"

I was very tempted to agree, but no... I could do it.

I caught five decent sized fish, and I was singing loudly as I swung the net, which was over my shoulder, in time to my singing. I felt very happy deep inside and relaxed, but then the water cocooning me as I swam, always did that. As I sort of danced out of the water and looked up there was Dominic gazing at me with an amused smile on his face.

"Oh,"` I said startled, feeling a complete idiot.

He drifted his gaze over me slowly and I saw the desire come into his eyes. I only had my bikini pants on and they were skimpy; I was standing topless, feeling like a silly, vulnerable schoolgirl. I knew my nipples had popped erect; I felt them tighten as soon as I saw him; I could only hope his penis was doing the same. I was feeling good about my body lately, since Giles. With as much dignity as I could and with a casual air of not caring, after all _he_ was trespassing, and topless and nudity was common on the beach a few kilometres down the road, I walked pass him, and up the slope to the house, as he followed. My heart was galloping in my throat, but I forced myself to walk into the kitchen, put my fish down on the sink, said, "Excuse me." He smiled and my stomach did a somersault. I went into the sitting room, grabbed my long green shirt that I had been wearing before I had gone swimming and shimmied into it. I was still wet, dam - it clung to my body and my hard nipples poked through the silk, but I felt less defenceless...I think.

"Would you like a beer or something?" I asked, coming back into the kitchen with the air of a regal queen.

He opened his mouth to answer me; his deep brown eyes held longing as he gazed at me from under his long dark lashes. He gulped and ran his slim fingers through his hair; it was un-braided down his neck today and nearly as springy as mine. He seemed to change his mind, and eventually said, "Have you got a juice with lots of ice please?"

"Well, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"

He hesitated as if he was about to say something and again changed his mind about what he was going to say, wriggling his sexy arse as if he was having trouble with his attire.

"Nadine told me you liked diving and you needed someone to help crew with you and your... beautiful boat."

Was he flirting? Did those last few words have a double meaning? Ah, but Nadine was match making; she had sent him.

"Yes," why was I always lost for words when I liked someone? Liked! Who was I fooling?

"Well, I was wondering if you would like me to take you out tomorrow to some good diving spots I know?" he coaxed. "The water is still warm.

Oh, he had lovely dimples. "Erh, only if you want to, not because Nadine asked you to."

"I would truly love to," his eyes held mine and I trembled inside.

I've been here with Giles; I couldn't compete with dead wives, it wasn't fair; but I wanted to go. He moved uncomfortably at my silence, as I gazed at him with Giles and the hurt running across my mind.

He broke the silence. "You caught a lot of fish. Do you fillet them too?"

"Try to. I don't really like doing it"

"I'll do it for you if you like. Can't let good fish go to waste. Have you a knife?"

I pulled out a knife from the drawer and a chopping board. He lined up the fish and I glanced away.

"If you don't want to go its fine; or, if you're worried about my sailing capabilities, they are excellent."

What could one day out with him do? I did want to get out on Spirit again; I had only been for a short sail to Sete since Spirit had been mended. It was too, too tempting.

"In that case I would love to go."

He arrived the next morning just before eight and Sharon winked at me. "Have a good time; see you later."

I had discussed him with Sharon the evening before. I told her about Giles and what had happened and that my mother felt like that too.

"Giles and your mum are twenty, nearly thirty years older than Dominic; give him and yourself a chance."

Therefore, a chance I was giving him; myself, well....

Dominic was as excellent with my precious yacht as he said and we sailed with the wind in our curly hair for nearly two hours, he pointing out the best places along the way to go diving. We were heading for 'Ille de Port Cros,' one of three islands just passed Toulon and a nature park with underwater signposts to show you the marine trail. Underwater signposts! I thought I had misheard him, but it was true, the island had nature trails and underwater trails. I had never heard of them and it would have been interesting to include them in my programme, but it was too late now.

When we arrived, Dominic took my hand and we went into the azure water together. His touch gave me prickles that crept down my spine and he never let go until we were back on deck. The sea was as clear as glass and I saw sea anemones, colourful sponges, and moray eels! Dominic said there were even barracudas, but I'm not sure if he was teasing me or not; but I didn't see any I'm glad to say.

The sea shimmered as we sat quietly together on the deck eating our late lunch. I felt comfortable with the silence between us. Earlier while we were sailing we had chatted about our filming and television programmes; he spoke humorously and had me giggling and oh, he was sooo sexy.

He was standing some distance away pouring me a juice and my eyes roamed his body; he only had swim shorts on. He was about five inches taller than me, about six feet, with narrow hips, long legs, and a large bulge in his shorts; his skin was a gorgeous shade of brown, like a bronzed biscuit, with a smattering of dark hair across his chest. I wanted to run my hands through the hairs that were as curly as the wet curls around his head. I wondered what he is like in bed.

Suddenly he turned and gazed at me and I felt myself blush.... _again_. He came towards me with the glass in his hand, a long easy slinky stride like a leopard's; he bent down towards me and gave me my drink, his lips, such sexual lips that broke easily into a smile, were so near! I wanted to pull him towards me and kiss him but I didn't have the courage.

"Well, have you enjoyed it here?" he asked as he settled back down on the sun bed next to mine.

"Mmm, it's been a wonderful day. Thank you." He grinned, showing his enticing dimples, his long dark lashes flicking against his cheeks; gosh, he was desirable, and my insides got goose bumps.

"We shall have to make a move home soon. I thought maybe I would cook you a Bouillabaisse tonight." Then he realised he hadn't asked me and added hurriedly, "that's of course if you would like me to."

If I would like him to! He could cook! He was heaven on legs. "Yes, sounds great. Do I have to bring my own fish?"

He threw back his head and roared; even his laughter was desirable, like a gurgling spring.

"Right, I'll drop you off and pick up my car and see you at the restaurant about eight."

"What about Sharon? I've deserted her all day; I can't leave her all evening."

"Yes of course, Sharon as well. She is a good friend of yours, is she not? I see the way the two of you are very close. I hope I will become a good friend too."

Now did that have a double meaning.... the close bit, or was that what I was trying to read into it?

The restaurant was buzzing with late tourists and locals when Sharon and I got there. Dominic scooted us to a side table, apologizing; he had no idea it was going to be so busy, he said, giving us his French greeting. I loved these greetings. When he came over with our dinner, he planted the dish on the table, bent close to me and unexpectedly kissed my cheek, saying he hoped I'd enjoy it. Was that the meal or the kiss?

Sharon saw my puzzled look and I said what I was thinking. "You're hopeless," she said, laughing at me. "He meant both."

"Does he like me then, and was he flirting with me?"

"Does he like you? I can't believe how naive you are sometimes. He is completely enchanted with you, just like he said when he met you."

"I thought he was being polite; I'm not too good at this flirting thing. I'm never sure if men find me that attractive. I need some convincing."

"Some convincing? It's hard work for men I should think. It's because of Ben, always putting you down, picking holes in your appearance, and criticizing what you did. It used to make me so mad."

"Yes, I do realize now that Ben used to do that, and I am growing more confident every day."

"Very slowly; why don't you kiss Dominic for this lovely meal later?"

I wriggled; I wanted to, but could I? Suppose Sharon had it wrong. As if reading my thoughts Sharon added,

"He would love you too; honestly, take it from me."

After that, it was hard enjoying the fish stew, but it was good; even better than Nadine's. But the thought of me having the courage to kiss Dominic gave me fluttering's like a bird was trying to escape from my chest; not because I didn't want to, quite the reverse. Sharon gave me some Dutch courage - a glass or two of wine. My head swam usually with two, but it took three. It must have been the fear. I laughed to myself, and it did give me...well he looked too irresistible.... When Dominic eventually joined us, his eyes sparkling, he asked if I liked his cooking. I know I was smiling like a cat with cream but I bent my head to him... (or was he already that close?) And kissed him fully on the lips and murmured it was delicious. How's that for double meaning?

Dominic gave that deep burbling brook laugh and said, "Wow, I shall have to cook for you every night for ever, if that is my reward."

Every night forever! Oh, yes please. Somehow, I remained articulate and not too giggly; but Sharon had to leave soon after that because she was picking Samuel up early the next morning, so we left with the customary French goodbye, of course.

The next morning I was working in the garden when I heard the phone ringing. It was only eight; I dropped my spade, and ran in to answer it, thinking it was Sharon. She had been up and drinking her coffee by the time I tumbled out. However, she had gone racing to the airport to pick Samuel up soon after and then they were going to look at the house she was after buying. Maybe her plans had changed or the flight was delayed.

"Bonjour, do you like horse riding?" It was Dominic.

I was so surprised I didn't answer for a moment.

"Francine."

"Yes, but I haven't been for a long time." Probably about six years ago, when I used to go with Chloe occasionally on holiday if Ben hadn't planned anything else and I knew he wouldn't sulk. Otherwise, if I insisted Chloe and I went, he would moan for the rest of the holiday, until he made me wish we hadn't gone.

"How about we go today to the Carmargue; then we will go for lunch somewhere. It is very picturesque and you can take the horses through the sea. Great fun!"

Oh wicked, I had been there as a child with Mum, Dad and Mel and we had all gone riding. I would adore doing it again.

"Yes, I would love to."

"Well we can go by your yacht or by my car; the choice is yours."

Silly question my yacht every time.

"I'll be over in an hour and wear some thick trousers otherwise your legs might get sore."

When I put down the phone, I stood and stared at it. We were going out _again_ together; he does like me! Oh please, please let him like me as much as I like him. First, I wrote a note for Sharon and Samuel then I raced upstairs and had a shower. What shall I put on? It was too hot for my jeans, on board the boat. I'll wear a top that will go with my shorts, and jeans later. Mmm, maybe if we go for lunch shorts might not be appropriate. How about these white just-below-the knees trousers like Dominic's and a dark burgundy tee shirt? It goes well with my hair. I also packed my bikini.

Dominic turned up just after the builders; they were back after the weekend, finishing my swimming pool in the now attractive old winery. He waved as he came round the back of the house to find me and then saw me on Spirit, checking the diesel and water; then we sailed across to Saint Maries de la Mer.

The Carmargue had long beaches that were empty this time of year; we galloped across its vast plains and through filled ponds splashing up warm water bathing me in a feeling of wild abandonment. When we came to rest there was a tranquillising solitude about the place, silent except for the occasional squawk of sea gulls. I loved it; it appealed to something deep inside my very soul. It was obvious as I grinned at Dominic it did to him too; we were so alike. Giles was right he was not for me. I wanted a friend and lover; I wished in that wonderful magical moment that Dominic was it.

We had another late lunch in a charming little rustic restaurant and while we did, we chatted about ourselves. Dominic told me about his love for his wife and I felt my heart sink. He felt responsible sometimes for her death, as he knew she was not strong after they had had Nadine; he should have put his foot down. However, she desperately wanted another child; she had several miscarriages, and then caught a virus. Unknown to anyone the virus attacked her heart and one day while she was working in her parent's shop she fell down dead.

My eyes filled with tears and I grabbed his hands across the table. He smiled at me as I touched him, gazing at me with love in his eyes. I thought he was seeing Catherine.

"I know how you loved her from the moment your eyes met; Nadine told me your love story."

To my utter astonishment, he shook his head and gurgled with laughter. "That is a story for Nadine from her grandmamma. Catherine was a couple of years older than I was; when she saw me, _she_ fell in love with _me_ and was determined to marry me. It took a bit longer for me; I was only seventeen, but she was like Nadine, happy and kind to everyone she met, you couldn't help loving her. It was not love at first sight for me, only her. I didn't think it was possible to fall in love so quickly.... But it is...."

"But did you always love her after that."

"Always; I had chances for affairs, but I would never have been unfaithful or hurt her like that, or her me."

"She was a lucky woman to know how much you loved her. "

"And your marriage was not loving and faithful."

Now it was my turn to laugh.

"Tell me," he whispered.

I told him about Lucy and he said, "Your husband is a very stupid man." He lent across the table and kissed me on the mouth so tenderly it felt like a breath of air.

Surprised I had to ask. "Do you still love your wife?"

He nodded; my heart flipped, and tears welled up in my eyes again.

Then he said, "But she is dead and now I move on."

"You do?"

"Yes, and you must too; this Lucy has done you a good turn. Come on, cheer up. I won't let you be unhappy ever again. I will be like your friend Sharon."

I didn't want him to be like Sharon. I wanted him to be my lover... well and friend... but was it possible?

That evening when we got back, Sharon had made us all dinner, so Dominic stayed. Samuel loved the house he had seen and they had arranged to buy it. When I climbed into bed that night, I thought what a mixed but spell- binding day it had been. One minute I was sure Dominic was telling me he and I would be only friends; next, I felt he wanted more.

Next morning I was doing my garden again, putting some more plants in. I had on an old sun hat and my 'comfortable' shorts, no bra but a skimpy top, as the builders were around. I was wet with perspiration and I apparently had mud smeared across my face, as Sharon tried to silently signal and point out, when Dominic turned up. He had Nadine with him and they wanted to know if we would all like to go to the market with them. I hesitated looking at my plants; they needed to be soaked and I had only a few more to put in too. Dominic saw my gaze and hesitation and while I tackled the final phase of my planting, he started watering the plants with the hosepipe. Suddenly he swung the hose towards me with the other three encouraging him. They were standing safely on the terrace. He chased me round the garden drenching me, but I managed to grab the pipe - then it was my turn. Nadine was in hysterics of laughter, as I didn't hold back, which Dominic thought I would do, just because he had dry clothes on. Big mistake! We landed up fighting to get control of the pipe but he was absolutely sodden.

"Now what am I to wear?" he said dripping from head to toe as he turned the water off at the tap having given up trying to grab the pipe.

I shrugged smirking, "Shouldn't have picked a fight with me."

"I can see that."

Luckily for Dominic, Samuel found him some shorts and a tee shirt that fitted, while I rushed upstairs and had a shower. I put on a white cotton dress with broderie anglaise down the front, and shoestring straps and no bra, the latest fashion on the Med, so Sharon said. It complemented my hair and my golden tan. I put on lots of bangles and dangly turquoise earrings, and leather sandals. I looked, I felt, continental. Chloe would have called it hippyville; but whatever.... I saw Dominic's appreciative gleam and I smiled inwardly with pleasure.

When we arrived at the market, we split into two groups, men and women, mainly because I was after some more plants and Nadine took me to the best stall. I bought ten climbing scented roses; hardy and 'resistant to sea' the man said which had Sharon and me in fits of laughter. Still they would look and smell lovely right along the back of my house on the pillars; if they grew! Next, we bought loads of cheap jewellery, bartering with the stallholders as if I were poor. Then Nadine saw a bright pink dress that I insisted on buying for her. She was twice as pretty in it with her dark hair and eyes. We had arranged to meet Dominic and Samuel at a café in the middle of the market so, loaded and exhausted; we flopped into the chairs the men had saved for us under a large umbrella. It was burning hot and we were grateful for long iced drinks that we gulped down in seconds as if we had been stranded in the desert for hours.

Opposite the café were several spits roasting chickens, their smell tantalising our nostrils; so we ordered some and took them back to my house, where we all helped make salad and pasta to go with them for lunch. The atmosphere between us all was lazy and as Nadine came out wearing her new dress for her father, a feeling inside of peace swept over me. Later we all went swimming on my little beach with Sharon telling everyone not to splash her because she hated getting her hair wet! While everyone was again lying about on the terrace, I went indoors and made some drinks and Dominic followed me in.

"I'll help you put the roses in tomorrow," he stood there awkwardly; I could see he had something else on his mind.

"Thanks, but I can manage them myself."

"Don't you want my help then?"

"Yes, l would like that. I just wondered if you had anything you needed to do. You have been taking me out every day."

"Am I coming on to quickly for you?"

I laughed, mainly because I was embarrassed and surprised at what he said. "No, I, I..."

"Are you still in love with your ex and are not that interested in me?"

My lips twitched as I gazed into his puppy dog eyes; he looked so crestfallen; I burst out laughing to think he thought I was in love with Ben!

"I don't love Ben anymore; I don't know how you got that impression, and I enjoy your company and am very interested in you."

His face seemed to glow, like a light was switched on inside him and he gathered me to him and kissed me on the mouth, gently. Holding me in his arms he asked, "How come you cried so much then when you rented our house? Nadine said you came in with red eyes most days; you had obviously been weeping."

"Oh. One of my best friends had been shot and I thought he was dead. It was a shock; you don't get over that too quickly; and I missed him dreadfully. My beloved boat was broken, my crew had all gone, and I was worried about how to finish my programmes. I had a great big deep hole inside me because I missed my children so much, and still do, and I thought my daughter hated me. But it was never, ever, about Ben."

"Or anyone."

"No, ...no-one now, except the children."

He hugged me against his broad chest, kissing the top of my head. "That must be too awful. I hate being away from Nadine; I can't imagine what it would be like if some man took her away from this place and me. It is my biggest dread."

"Oh I think the man will have to stay here with her. She loves it here and she would not be the same if she left; any man that loves her would see that."

"I hope you are right. Maybe one day you will have your children back too."

"No, it is different with my children. I lost them both when Ben and I split up. Joel works with Ben because he wants the business and Chloe is engaged to a doctor and she is living with him near his doctor's practice. I did think about going back and living in England near Joel but I knew it wouldn't work because of Ben. He intimidates me and is controlling. I enjoy being independent too much now. Joel will get married and be off, and have little time for me when he does anyhow."

He smiled a sad smile and kissed me, his lips softly swishing mine. My toes started to curl and I got goose bumps. I felt him go hard against my belly as I returned his kisses.

Suddenly Samuel appeared, "Oops," he turned to go back out.

"The drinks," Dominic grinned, remembering.

"Yes we were wondering what happened to them. Carry on; I'll take the tray."

However, the spell had been broken. Dominic took hold of my hand and we followed Samuel out onto the terrace, my heart doing cartwheels. Can hearts do cartwheels? It felt like mine did.

# CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

### Unresolved baggage

On Friday evening, we took Samuel to Dominic's music night; it was awesome like last time and when Dominic glanced at me, I went all prickly and I constantly wondered what making love to him would be like. When he went into his wiggle act, I felt my insides clinch. I was like a dog on heat for goodness sake; I couldn't stop feeling randy; my thoughts got worse. Next morning we again went down to the restaurant for lunch; Dominic had invited us all, but mostly Samuel, to try his brother, Michael's, famous oysters cooked the Dominic way.... which were delicious. I wondered if they did what legend said they did. I certainly would have jumped in bed with Dominic, if he had asked, right that very moment to see if they did and even considered it for a moment!

"You should market your concert evenings; they would go down a storm in America," Samuel said, lying back in his chair full to the brim. "Last night was terrific; never heard such music."

Dominic laughed, "Michael and I have already 'marketed' ourselves in America and here in France; what do you say?...very popular, we have records and things. We really need a good video made; but Michael is reluctant to travel anymore. When my papa was alive we did the rounds of concerts; tours can get tiresome."

"You're a sort of pop star then?" Sharon asked.

Dominic smirked, "Sort of, but not exactly pop, and we could do with some updating; like I said, a music video with a new music album would be good."

"Why don't you do it Francine?" Sharon said; then without waiting for a reply she turned to Dominic, "You could do it right here then. No travelling: you could record in the restaurant or they must have a recording studio near. Francine takes wicked photos and she has filmed two television programmes. I expect they're brilliant too. We are expecting them to send the pre-view of the programmes any day now aren't we?"

_We_ are! I just nodded; who needed a PR when they had Sharon. I adored her, her generous nature and bubbly happiness.

Dominic gazed at me; I melted inside. "Would you consider making a video for me?"

I nodded, "Yes, it would be exciting." As long as I could concentrate on what I was doing when he danced.

"I'll ask Michael then. When could you start? I have to go to Paris in a couple of weeks to try to persuade the French television network that they would like my new archaeology undersea programme, so I am trying to work on that. "

"What's the new programme called?" Samuel asked.

"Archaeology Under The Sea."

"What a naff title," I said without thinking.

"Naff ...?" Dominic enquired.

I paled, oh cricks.

Sharon came to my rescue, didn't she always? "Means uninspired; you should get Francine to come up with another one; she's brilliant at marketing and putting together 'a package pitch' too."

Nadine jumped at that; until then, she had sat quietly listening. "He could do with some help. What do you suggest?" she said looking at me.

"Well tell me what the programme is about," I said uneasily, turning to Dominic.

Suddenly Dominic looked shy; he was not the kind of man to blow his own trumpet, I realized; after all I didn't know he had made music albums. I would look him up on the Internet when I got home.

"It is about underwater cities that have slipped into the sea and maybe seeking and finding some gold _and_ some doubloons," he threw a grin at Nadine. Her eyes narrowed, as she looked him straight in the eyes.

I roared with laughter at the pair, but it gave me an idea. "How about "Lost Cities and Mysteries of the Deep"?"

"Mmm, you are not just beautiful you are brilliant too; it gives a whole different vision. Even I can see how that is not 'naff.'" Dominic said.

I continued, "The programme could have a pirate theme. You could dress as a pirate and..."

"No change there then," Nadine interrupted me.

"..you could give a narrative as if you were the pirate searching for treasure, with some true pirate stories; it will inject some humour; people like to laugh and history stories are interesting, and the wickeder the story the better. Then you could have some underwater shots of some of your diving crew doing some piratey things. Lost cities can be woven into the period of a certain pirate. Pirates have always existed in all decades. And of course you could follow it all up with a book."

I saw the amazement spread right across Dominic's face. "I think that is more than inspired," he lent forward and kissed me. "A book though, I'm no good at writing."

Sharon said, "Oh Francine could do that, as well as the filming."

I gave a quick uncomfortable glance at Dominic; he might get upset at me taking over his idea. Ben would have, if he had ever come up with one in the first place.

However, Dominic just grinned, "Yes that would be great. We could start our own consultancy, production and publishing company."

Oh no! - I've been there, done that; I am _not_ going there again, as Chloe said where did it get me in the past?

Dominic saw my downcast features. "I could put up the money."

"It's not the money. I went into business, or so I thought, with Ben. I do not intend to be somebody's 'partner' _ever_ again, in a company or otherwise...in any way. Thanks." My lip tightened as I glared at him. This had been his intention all along. I _was_ that unlovable. He was just as charming as Ben; he had me charmed! That's why he has been so nice all week! He had certainly not left me alone for long to think; every day I had seen him, but maybe I had not 'seen' him at all.

Dominic said quietly, "I am not Ben."

No, he was not, but how did I know he wasn't as deceitful as Ben. How did I know if he was scheming like Ben and wanting his own way and nasty if he didn't get it? I wanted to burst into tears. Instead, I stood up. "If you'll excuse me, I think it's time for me to go home."

There was an awkward silence. Dominic looked as angry as I felt, his brown eyes as dark as black holes; then without a word he picked up some dirty crockery and took it into the kitchen. Nadine kissed the three of us goodbye and we murmured our thanks and went silently out to the car.

"If you ask me," Sharon began.

"I didn't."

I saw Samuel nudge Sharon to be quiet in the mirror. How could I be so rude to her? "Sorry," I stopped the car with a screech, like my heart was doing, tears blurring my vision.

Samuel got out of the passenger side, "Get in the back with Sharon," he ordered and I meekly did as he said.

Sharon put her arms about me, holding me like a child. Through gritted teeth, she said," Oh that Ben has a lot to answer for. He's ruling your life, even from a distance."

"No, he isn't," I sobbed.

"What do you call this then? You trust me don't you?" I nodded. "Well Dominic is _nothing_ like Ben. All he wants to do is make you happy; Ben never cared about your happiness, only his own; can't you see that?"

How did Sharon know what Dominic is like? "I could turn Dominic into Ben; he could find me boring and...and unlovable, just like Ben found me and Giles didn't love me enough either." One knock and my self-esteem was at rock bottom again.

"Oh don't talk rubbish," Samuel burst out. "There's nothing wrong with you; you're not unlovable; you are clever and lovely. It's Ben that has a problem, not you. Ben is an arsehole; he has talent at drawing but he is not clever like you and he knew it. He put you down because he always saw you as competition because of his own inadequacies. Moreover, for my money Dominic is twice the man Ben is. For goodness sake woman you have really hurt him, comparing him to Ben."

Sharon gave me a squeeze; "I think you should phone him when we get in."

"Suppose he doesn't want to talk to me and doesn't want to know me now?"

"Then you would be right and we would be wrong," Samuel said.

When we got in, I poured myself a glass of wine; I needed some courage before I phoned... if I could phone. The drink didn't do any good, maybe another! Thoughts began to swirl round my head like a tornado. Did I want Dominic? Yes I lusted after him, but he also made me laugh; he loved swimming and diving like me; he cooked for goodness sake too; we had a lot in common, and his kisses made me tingle in places I didn't know could tingle. I'm not sure I can phone, suppose he won't talk to me. Well it would settle this agony in my heart. Then Sharon, fed up with watching my miserable face, handed me the phone, her mouth set. I could see she would not take no for an answer. It rang for a long while and the butterflies in my stomach were nearly making me sick. I went to put it down but Sharon wouldn't let me; then Nadine answered.

"Ah Nadine is your father there please?"

"No - he is coming to see you. He is very upset Francine, he adores you; he is a good man. You are the first woman I have ever seen him interested in. If you don't like him, please tell him. I don't want you to break his heart."

"Yes, I'm sorry Nadine; I have some unresolved past issues."

"I understand, but my father would not hurt you or anyone he cares about ever and he cares for you, so you remember that please."

I felt very humble; Nadine was rightly angry I could hear it in her voice, let alone her words. Sharon was correct: Ben had done me damage, but I wasn't going to let him spoil any more of my life. After all surely there were not many men like Ben, were there? I thought of my father, I thought of Giles, both faithful men that cherished their wives, Giles even after his wife was dead; and then there was Samuel, and Dominic said he had been faithful to his wife too.

When Dominic arrived, we strolled down to the beach and sat looking at the sea rippling gently against our toes, silence between us.

Someone had to talk first and I guess it should be me.

"Look..." I began.

"Listen..." Dominic said.

Next, he reached for my hand as I muttered "sorry."

"I don't want you to set up a company or anything you don't want to do with me. I just thought maybe your son might like it and would come and join you here; a spur of the moment idea that was all. A silly one, but I can assure you that I would never cheat you out of anything, ever, or cheat on you now or in the future, whatever happened between us. It is not in my nature. I don't need any of your money or scheme to get hold of it; I have plenty, but I need you to trust me or we have nothing together. What I say to you will always be the truth; I don't lie. I know you are still in pain but please do not insult me again by suggesting I am anything like that ex of yours. He only has my contempt for what he has done to you."

Tears were trickling down my face; I felt so awful. "I have some baggage I thought I had got rid of. I am so very, very sorry. It was a kind thought on your part and I just over reacted. I never told you, because I felt ashamed; I thought there was something wrong with me, but Lucy was not the only girl; Ben cheated on me throughout our marriage. He hit on all my friends and even my daughter's best friend. I was so stupid and busy and I trusted him and never knew. I worked hard for him for twenty odd years. Now I'm afraid to trust men properly. Also, I have discovered I like my independence and especially my own financial independence and I don't need a man for that; and I have no intention to re-marry. I made up my mind that I will only work when I want, and on what I want to." There, I'd said it.

He shook his head and gave a deep sigh, gathering me to him and kissed me gently on the lips, then kissed my eyelids and my face and salty tears. "Stop crying, I can't bare it. I only want to make you happy and heal that hole in you." Which made me worse; he just held me, kissing and stroking my hair.

"You still want to know me?" I eventually said, wiping my tears.

"Very much, but do you want to have a proper relationship? I know it has only been just over a week since we met, but this is no casual fling for me." I nodded. "That's more like it. Do you want to make this video for me?"

"Yes and I will help you with your pitch for the programme."

"As long as you are sure. Will you also do some of the diving and filming for my programme?"

I smirked, "It depends where you're planning on diving; I don't do cold water."

He gurgled with laughter, "No, nor me anymore; Canada was enough. I will pay you proper freelance fees and give you credit and a percentage on the programme and your name as author of the book and its ownership," I went to protest. "No, I insist. And that way if you want to start your own freelance company or consultancy fine, or if I'm a one off, that's OK too. It is up to you. Now will you come to Paris with me? I want you to myself, to make love to you and hold you all night after and wake up with you in my arms in the morning? I don't want our first time to be a stolen afternoon."

I twisted inwardly with pleasure; he did want me like I wanted him; and so honest. "Oh that sounds nice; but when? I have to go to England in the middle of October as I am supposed to do some television and radio interviews to promote one of my programmes and books."

"I said the twenty six of September, for several days so it should be Ok, we should be back by the beginning of October at the latest."

"Well in that case I had better start working on your pitch for the programme and you had better tell me about the music so I can think about the video too, but some of that might have to wait until after Paris."

"Mmm, in a minute....or two, or three," he smirked. I was still in his arms and he grazed his lips over my eyelids (Oh, I do like that!), and across my face and down my neck; goose bumps, goose bumps. Then he kissed my mouth, teasing me first with little kisses, then they grew more passionate and as we rolled onto the sand together; our bodies locked, I felt his hardness against me. Can your toes curl?

Suddenly I heard Sharon yelling my name from the house; Dominic made a face, and I got up reluctantly.

"What's up? " I called.

"It's Raphael on the phone."

I squealed, excitedly running up the slope into the house.

"Dawn had a boy an hour ago; yes they are both well. We have decided to call him Francisco after you, and we want you to be Godmother. We owe all our good fortune to you."

"Don't be daft, but yes of course, thank you, and I do love you. I will be seeing you in about a month; I can't wait."

When I put down the phone, Dominic was leaning against the frame of the door.

"Who is this Raphael that you get excited and run to and love?" he asked coldly.

Now who does not trust whom; but I saw the hurt in his eyes.

Going over to him, I glided my arms about his neck. "He is one of my best friends who journeyed with me on my yacht and he married another of my best travelling friends called Dawn. She has just had a baby and they are calling it after me, although it is a boy, and want me to be Godmother. I love them both and am very happy for them."

Dominic's twinkle came back; he really does care for me; had he been jealous? How wonderful, he was jealous, jealous! I nearly sung it aloud; it was such a new feeling for me. Maybe he would be so jealous he would never let me speak to other men or so jealous that I ...there goes my imagination again. One moment I'm happy he is jealous; next, I think he is a freak. What does that make me, apart from neurotic?

# CHAPTER NINETEEN

### Paris in love

The next couple of weeks I discovered Dominic was easy to get on with in every way. He praised every idea and piece of work I did; we discussed, and shared ideas until we agreed on a package for his television programme. When he saw the pre-view of my programme one day, having a pool party while celebrating its finish, Dominic said he had never seen such talent and maybe I should negotiate higher terms for my work.

However, I was happy with the terms I had already, I giggled; but he made me feel like a burst of sunshine on a cloudy day. I had started following him and Michael about, capturing them at work and leisure. I was going to weave the filming into the music video. One evening, while I was filming Michael and we were having a BBQ in his garden, Dominic tried to get me to sing as he said he loved my voice. At first, I was puzzled; when had he heard me singing? Then he reminded me about seeing me coming out of the water like 'Earth Mother' herself - his words not mine. Then Michael tried persuading me, then Sharon, Samuel, Nadine, and even Nicole, Michael's wife.

"I'm not drunk enough, I always need Dutch courage to do anything brave."

"That's easily fixed," Michael grinned, topping up my glass.

"I was kidding, I can't sing, your brother was just.... distracted, by other things," I said.

"I was not distracted, I was enchanted; but you still have a good voice," Dominic said teasing me and enjoying my embarrassment. I kicked him under the table and he pretended I had mortally wounded him and I had to kiss him before he declared it was better; he was such fun, and we were always laughing together.

Eventually I gave in when Dominic promised to sing with me.

"I don't know any French songs or words to English songs."

That never stopped them; he and Michael wrote out all the words to 'Climb every mountain' from a Diana Ross song they had on one of their old music albums, all in English, that we all knew. After a faltering start from me we sang together, until I got an attack of the giggles when Dominic gave me this silly expression and stared into my eyes when we sung the line – ' _can keep me away_ _from you_ – I think on his part he meant it. Me, I was too nervous to think about what I was singing. Unknown to me they had recorded it and later when I listened to it, I did sound all right, or whoever it was singing! After that, they were determined to have me on their album with them.

"Mmm not sure about that, I need more practise." How incredibly stupid was that? They then wanted me to sing on Friday night with them; yea right. "If you keep on, I won't do the video, you'll have to find someone else."

Grinning, Dominic said, "That's blackmail."

"Yes, but it's not as bad as bullying."

Dominic grabbed hold of my hand kissing it in real Frenchman's style; he is so cute sometimes. "Sorry, you're right," but he gazed up into my eyes and his were twinkling. I somehow knew he did not intend to give in that easily.

* *

On the twenty-sixth, we took a train to Paris. We talked politely to one another and then about the programme. I was as frightened as a kitten...more so, although I'm not sure they are frightened, just curious. Thoughts swam about in my head; suppose he finds me unattractive. However, one look into his eyes and I knew that was not right. Suppose he finds me cold, my biggest dread, or boring and unloving? We have such fun together; I didn't want to spoil it. I s'pose I could find him boring.... Well sex is not everything; after all, I put up with Ben didn't I? I could always pleasure myself. Mmm maybe I've done that too much and I will expect too much; maybe he will expect too much...

Dominic said we were staying at his apartment in Paris; his apartment! That was a surprise. When he saw my expression, he laughed, saying he had several homes, and some for investment, mostly in France. The apartment was elegant, large, and airy and painted in cream, with glass and steel furniture. The minimal look I think it is called; not my thing, it is not homely enough for me. He took my bag into the bedroom; that too was sophisticated with a great big bed and white satin silk sheets. At least they weren't black! I gulped; had I bitten off more than I could chew?

Dominic saw my face as I stared at the bed, he grinned, and obviously thinking I approved he gathered me into his arms, kissing me on the mouth passionately.

"Would you like to change or shower or anything? We will go for early drinks and then on to dinner at one of my favourite restaurants; but first we are meeting Jacques, the French producer and his wife, Adele, for drinks. They are a lovely couple; you'll like them." Then he must have seen my relief. "Francine if you don't want to share my bed there are other bedrooms."

"I do, I'm just a bit...well I don't know if... I don't want to disappoint you."

He put a finger under my chin tilting my chin up so I had to gaze into his beautiful dark eyes. "There is _no_ way you will disappoint me; I only have to look at you, and it gives me pleasure. Maybe I will disappoint you. Your ex seems to have had such a lot of ...er...experience; maybe I won't come up to scratch."

Oh, that's a laugh - suddenly I started giggling. He was as nervous as I was; I saw Dominic's puzzled expression, and I was consumed in laughter. "He was so boring in bed," I managed to splutter. "Never made love; he just got his end away." Now I saw relief in his face and we rolled across the bed laughing together.

"Thank goodness for that. I will make love to you; oh how I want to make love to you," and he gave me another hot kiss. "Are you still going to take a shower?

I nodded. We got up from the bed and he slipped his clothes off as I did mine and took my hand.

Ohmygosh, we were going to take one together!

My heart started pounding as we stepped under the cascading water. We stood surveying each other, his body shiny, wet and beautiful and it was true what they said about black men being greatly endowed. Although Dominic was only slightly dark skinned there was nothing slight about... my goodness he was going to impale me with that! I felt sensations in my breasts and my nipples pouted. We stepped closer and held each other, me aware of his hardness against me. I glanced up at him; water trickled down his face, and I saw the desire in his eyes. Together we kissed, teasing each other's tongues; his body felt smooth under my fingers as I slipped them across his wet buttocks, his lips sweeping my face and down my neck as he held me in his arms. Water flooded our mouths and gushed over our bodies, but we didn't care, it just added to the sensual awakening we both felt.

His caressing kisses glided down to my soft mounds where he sucked one gently, then his mouth drifted on down to my belly; I shivered at his whispering touch, and he must have thought I was cold. Suddenly he grabbed a towel, picked me up, and bundled me in it, carrying me through to the bed. There he started patting me dry, kissing, pressing his lips over each spot he had patted, down to my toes! It was so erotic, so arousing, I knew my insides were dribbling with desire. Slowly he started his journey back up, his lips and tongue flickering across my body until he reached my mouth again. We kissed lustfully; he prised my lips apart with his tongue, probing my mouth. Then he rolled me over and began kissing each vertebra of my spine and again down to my toes. Shivering sensations rippled across my body. I never knew foreplay could be this amazing. Twisting me round, he gathered me in his muscular arms, kissing me on my mouth with such desire my stomach pulsated and I wondered if he could feel it, our stomachs flat, locked together.

Abruptly he turned away from me - oh! He's had a vision of his dead wife and changed his mind! But he had dived on his wallet that he had thrown carelessly at the side of the bed earlier, wrestled with it, opening a packet of condoms. Will one fit? Turning he grasped me to him again.

"Sorry," he muttered as grazing kisses started falling down my neck and throat, with one hand caressing my bum cheek, the condom put on so quickly and as expertly as Paul! I wondered how many women he has had. However, his kisses and touch soon had me rekindled, and the thought slipped from my mind. He moved his mouth on mine, his kisses keeping me in such a state of arousal that if I could have slowed time at that moment I would have. My nipples were now pouting wantonly and softly he glided his hand over them, cupped them, and rubbed my nipples between two fingers; it was exquisitely pleasurable, and his body felt taut hard against me and goose bumps sneaked over my torso until I couldn't wait any longer. We were on our sides and I moved one leg across his hip and wrapped it about him, fully dilated and moist, and he slipped into me. I murmured and he tilted my chin so we gazed into each other's eyes. I have never felt so close to anyone, so part of another's being. I never looked at Ben when we had intercourse; it was nearly always in the dark.

"You are as sweet as sugar," Dominic said and pushed himself further into me, nestling himself in the warmth of my insides. I wanted to avert my face; it was such an overwhelmingly intimate emotion gazing into his loving eyes, especially when he started moving inside me; each thrust knotted my stomach. It was like when you were scared, or when you went over a huge hump in the road and left your stomach behind. It became too much of an intense experience, I had to look away, but he turned my face towards him so he looked straight into my eyes again.

"I don't want you to fantasize about someone else; I want you to look at me."

Fantasize about someone else! I had only thoughts of him and had lusted only after him since we had met. Taking it slow and easy inside me, he thrust gently and each time my insides curdled at his over-powering gaze and tingling sensations pricked my legs. He grasped the cheeks of my buttocks with both hands and pulled me across and on top of him, going even deeper as I straddled him; my insides had eruptions: I immediately climaxed.

He grinned and kissed the tip of my nose, continuing to thrust slowly; the friction started my insides tingling again, my body not mine, as if it had awoken from a deep sleep. Prickles not only ran up the insides of my legs but also surged, racking my vagina; then I lost all control and I started to squeal - actually moan and squeal! Closing my eyes, I threw back my head, and had another orgasm. Dominic really started moving then, excitement taking over, lifting his thighs towards me, my legs trembling and my insides quivering; surely not again! How could I? I was; I felt it creeping, gnawing, and yes another wave was welling up inside me. Dominic with his hands on my bottom drew me to him each time he thrust; I ached, my back jerking with the feeling that was rippling. Suddenly he lent up and clamped his lips to mine, sucked, then flicked his tongue in frenzy in my mouth, and I heard him groan in my throat as we climaxed together. We sank limp, flat on the bed, breathing hard.

Three orgasms; was I dreaming? That was more than I had had with Ben over twenty years.

He twisted towards me as I lay beside him dazed, smiled, and put his arm around me and I tucked myself in against the side of his body, both of us trying to regain our breathing.

"My goodness you are so passionate," he practically purred. "I didn't mean to pounce on you; it was not what I had planned," he gasped. "I thought a romantic meal overlooking the Seine then come home, make love, and hold you all night."

"Me, passionate? What about you?" I was completely out of control; I had never thought such a thing was possible; I still couldn't believe it. However, it was his love making that drove me to it, starting with that provoking all over kissing.

He grinned as he caressed my mouth tenderly with his lips.

"Feel free to pounce anytime," I giggled. "And we can still have a romantic evening, can't we?"

"Mmm," he said nibbling my lips and pecking my neck.

"Won't we be late?"

"Late?" he enquired running his lips across mine. "Oh late," realisation dawned; he jumped up and grabbed his watch. "Oh heck: half an hour!" He stood.... rather seductively, wondering what he should do.

"Phone, say we're running late," I smirked.

They say Paris is for lovers and we were lovers; we held hands under the table like silly teenagers as we negotiated with Jacques, not that he needed much persuading. All due to my presentation, Dominic said. Dominic was the complete opposite to Ben, glorifying my talents and telling me how great and desirable I was.

Dominic took me shopping in Paris; I selected my own clothes, and everything I put on Dominic said it made me even more gorgeous, or that colour was wonderful on me. Then we went home to his apartment and made love because he said he had had to watch me looking sexy in all those clothes in the shops; and after we had made love, he gave me a head, neck and shoulder massage. That was another wonderful new experience and I felt so relaxed that I went drowsy and fell asleep.

On the Thursday, we spent the evening with Jacques at his home and Adele cooked us dinner; Dominic signed the contract, which meant we had to leave Paris. Neither of us wanted to.

So Dominic rung Nadine, "We are having such a lovely time," he was so honest with her, "would it be Ok for me to stay until after the weekend or do you need me to come back and help?"

He was such a good man, just as Nadine had said, honest, gentle, and nice. He made me laugh, he made me feel good, and as we strolled hand in hand round Paris and made love, I fell in love. I never thought that a man could make me feel so loved, cherished and desired, but Dominic did. He liked me having my own opinions and never felt challenged; he was every bit his own person, with no hang ups and I loved, loved, loved him.

On the last evening, we went to the ballet, which was absolutely magical; then for a romantic dinner on a boat on the Seine; he couldn't have picked a lovelier evening. It was warm, we had a candlelit table on the deck and I wore a low cut pale turquoise dress he had bought me. Dominic and I laughed so much I thought I was going to choke at one point. He told me how lovely I looked and I could see the longing in his eyes. When we got back to the apartment, he slipped my straps off my shoulders, cupped my breasts and kissed them slowly one at a time, like they were some precious objects.

"I have wanted to do that all evening."

See, so honest and who was I to object? I let my dress slide to the floor and Dominic cupped my face and held it between his two hands looking deep into my eyes.

"Such beautiful muddy brown eyes," he said.

My stomach did a somersault; I felt so vulnerable at the intimacy in his gaze, he observing every part of my face. His eyes settled on my lips and he kissed them like a wisp of air; then looking into my eyes again, I saw mischief and seduction in his.

"Sweet as sugar every part of you," his favourite saying to me, it now gave me goose bumps all over, because I knew it was the beginning of his passion. Passion was what we shared and I wondered if he loved me like I loved him, or was it just the chemistry between us?

He swung me up in his strong muscular arms and took me through to the bed where he removed my pants so I lay naked before him. Standing above me he slowly undid his shirt. Yes he had worn a shirt, buttoned up, with proper trousers all the time in Paris; Nadine had confiscated his cut down trousers! I went to sit up, went to reach and feel his chest but he said he wanted to look at _me,_ and gently pushed me back down onto the silk sheet. He skimmed of his trousers and pants together and his magic wand burst out erect and hard, because that was what it was, magic. Ben's was never magic, or if it was, I never found it so. I was instantly moist and could probably have had intercourse right there and then without much coaxing, but Dominic had other plans for pleasure.

He started by straddling my lower torso and I slipped my arms round his neck as he bent over me grazing and teasing my lips and neck with his flicking, tantalizing tongue, provoking me to shudder with rapture as goose bumps emerged over my body and my legs fell open. Grinning, his eyes intense as polished mahogany, he slid his soft hands to my breasts and belly caressing them in little massaging circles and one of his long nimble fingers entered my vagina where he rubbed, playing until I burst with an orgasm; and much better than when I massaged myself! However, he wasn't finished; his tongue this time found my clitoris and danced about like fluttering wings until I came again. Satisfied, he trailed a finger up to my breasts, circling my nipples with his finger, then his tongue. Shimmers galloped over me until I could bear the pleasure no longer and reached, delving for his erection; I pushed him inside me as I sat up, him cradling me now in his lap, holding me close against his broad chest, nuzzling my neck. Slowly Dominic shifted inside me: round, up, and round, screwing into me. I curled my legs, locking them round his back and we rocked with our bare chests together rising and falling with our movements. Desire saturated my body; I pulled him to me, wanting him to go deeper; shivers ravished me. I threw my head back and gave a cry; I felt him come, groaning with emotion, sucking my shoulder hard, and shuddering. Trembling, we lay limp together, he still comfy, not wanting to leave my insides. Eventually we untangled ourselves and he turned to me gathering me in his arms like a captured animal.

After a while, I kissed his neck and I heard him simper. I swirled my tongue along his neck and he turned and smirked as I teased him. Even though he had just had me, my body wanted more. Now it was my turn; I slipped my hand down to his drooping penis, fondled it with one hand, and twirled the hairs on his chest between my fingers with my other hand. I kissed and nipped his nipples and rubbed my nose in his chest hair; he smelt deliciously of soap. I coasted my kisses down to his stomach and I felt his stomach go flat at my touch. His penis was starting to come alive and stiffen but it needed more help, so I slipped my mouth down and caressed the tip with my lips and fondled him with my fingers. Slowly Dominic became excited and as he grew, I moved my mouth back up to his belly, then to his chest, my fingers still roaming and caressing his erection. I glanced at his face; he was gazing down at me; I lifted it and he kissed me amorously then we teased each other's tongue until he kissed me deeply and turned me away from him onto my side. I let go of him, and he entered my vagina from behind as he cupped both of my breasts, kissing the nape of my neck and ear. Rubbing my nipples between his fingers, he pumped me giving me goose bumps that danced along my spine. As he lunged into me rigid and fast, my breasts filled with pulsating throbs. As his passion grew, he pushed deep, quick, and my clitoris started tightening, and the deeper he went, the more I had spasms. Multiple sensations started down the inside of my legs and in my vagina, and all through my insides back and front, with goose bumps and shivers along my spine; my body a slave to erogenous zones I didn't know I had. I came as if a lifetime of building desires had ignited fire and was shaking my body as if I was having a fit and I cried out loudly unable to control myself. Dominic still hadn't come and with weak trembling hands, I grasped my breasts covering my nipples; they were feeling sore as he rubbed them in crazed delirium. He covered his hands over mine holding onto my breasts, like they were a lifeline and pliable putty, driving into me ferociously and now out of control and then the dam burst; he groaned and went weak, exhausted and rolled away. I twisted round, moved across, and snuggled into his arms, my head against his damp chest; he kissed the top of my head as we regained our breathing and we slipped into sleep and slept like logs.

The next morning as I lay in the bath humming to myself Dominic came in and glided with a slight splash into the opposite end of the bath, as if it was the most natural thing to do. I have never shared a bath with a male before, unless you count Joel when he was little. I stopped humming and he said,

"Don't stop; I enjoy your singing."

"Too late," I flicked some soapy bubbles at him.

He flicked some back at me, "Mmm, you are on the birth pill you say..." I had been since Paul and last night he had run out of condoms. This was a turning point in our relationship, a showing of trust between us. "Maybe we could wash each other then," he said a suggestive smirk curving his lips.

I somehow think this was his intention before he entered the bath!

"Really," I said coyly; I wondered what this involved. I was about to find out. First, he lathered my breasts with soap then drew me towards him and the only room for my legs were either side of him.

"How convenient," he jested.

With our chests touching, I then had to wash him. "This is not washing each other," I pretended protest.

The feeling of his slippery, soapy body as he 'helped' me wash him with my breasts over his broad chest was exhilarating and very sensual and I quivered like a feather. He was already stiff and as my breasts 'washed' him, he slid his hands under my bottom, lifting me onto him. No formalities; just gazing into my eyes with an amused grin.

I gasped I was not moist enough yet and he felt tight. I put my head to one side and narrowed my eyes.

"What..." He asked as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. Then smirking he kissed me sensually on the mouth and my insides twisted then he stroked more soap over my breasts.

"Don't you think that's enough soap?" I enquired.

"Don't know. You'll have to rub across my chest, first.... for me to know the answer to that," he said his eyes sparkling and his lips twitching.

Hum, I wasn't sure I could move to wash him I was skewered on him so snugly. I glided my arms found his neck and swept my breasts gingerly over his chest, still half-afraid to manoeuvre much as he felt so large in me. He poked himself inside me, looking at my reaction in my eyes. I blinked, rolled my eyes in pretend annoyance. He shifted, his eyes twinkled humorously, then another poke. This went on several more times until I moistened and felt reassured to move about on him. By this time, the soap had either disappeared on to him or dripped off my breasts into the bubbles, so of course he had to soap me again. This time he fondled my breasts with the soap in his hand as he did it. It was so intoxicating; my vagina was on the go again, contracting, as I rubbed my breasts on him and he kissed me deep with craving and sort my tongue; molten heat shot through my core, which stopped me washing him.

"Oh why are you stopping?" he purred.

"I can't concentrate when you kiss me like that."

"Really, how wonderful," and he immediately kissed me like it again.

Then with a glint of mischief; he started stroking and soaping me with a sponge, stroking it over my shoulders down my arms and over my breasts; then I washed his chest. He gazed intently at me; the intimacy made me look away. I still found the emotion too acute, but I realised I had never had sex or made love so openly, so raw and natural. He caught hold of my face, angling it with his hand and turned my face to look at him as he thrust inside me. He loved the intimacy and what he saw in my eyes, and my insides gnawed each time with the all-consuming emotion I saw in his. I began to circle my hips and he was strong enough to lift me with each of his lunges. I tried to balance myself, my arms round his neck, unable to manage co-ordinating washing him and his movements. He lent his forehead and nose to my forehead and nose as he continued slowly bringing me to the boil. Water slopped the sides of the bath, sparkling rainbow globules danced over the edge and crept snaking across the floor. For once, he came first; he tried to carry on for me but it was useless, so he slipped his hand down and massaged me until I climaxed, which didn't take long.

Of course, we nearly missed our train home, but I had had the most marvellous time in Paris and I wished it could go on. Reality had to get involved and as we travelled home, I wondered what it had in store and whether it would include Dominic, or was this it? He captivated me; I felt so sexy and satisfied but wanted him even more; and how I loved him. He set my heart and soul on fire.

Be careful what you wish for, a small voice said inside me. I loved him but did I know what that meant, or if it would last? Did he love me in the same way or was it the magnetism between us and was I just another of his women? He was such a caring lover; he must have had so many. Would the future bring me more heartache?

# CHAPTER TWENTY

### Distant love.

Samuel picked us up at the train station and dropped Dominic off at the restaurant. Dominic kissed me goodnight and winked. What did that mean? He'd had a good time?

As we drove home, Samuel said, "I can see you both enjoyed yourselves."

"How can you?"

"You're both glowing. I have never seen _you_ look so good."

"Do you think Dominic was glowing too?"

"You've just spent six days with him, don't you know?"

"I'm no good at judging men and how they feel or really who they are," I said wearily.

"Well, take it from a man who knows: that man is in love with you. He was before you went to Paris; now, wow!"

"Are you sure? How do you know he loved me before we went?"

Samuel gave a humourless laugh, "Oh Francine, he told you; you were no casual fling that day you upset him comparing him with Ben. He can't keep away from you and the way he gazes at you, it's obvious." Then when he saw the amazed look on my face, laughter erupted until he had tears running down his cheeks.

Inside I went all warm.

When we saw Sharon he told her and she smiled as she hugged me. "It's Dominic's fault; he should actually _say_ he loves her. She is hard to convince; she needs to hear that."

Puzzled, Samuel strode off shaking his head; "Women!"

The next morning Sharon and Samuel went to the solicitors and took possession of their house, got their keys and disappeared for the day. I spoke to the builders about my Mum's cottage (as I referred to the two bed-roomed conversion), because I hadn't seen them for a week and sorted out a few little problems with them. It was one of the days for Jeanette, and her husband, Edme, to come in. They are two wonderful people that Nadine had found for me. Twice a week Jeanette did my housework and ironing and Edme did odd jobs and helped me in my garden. I liked the pair of them; they were very amiable, clean and efficient; and most of all could not speak a word of English so I could practice my French on them, which had us all in stitches sometimes. I had come to an agreement with Dominic before we had gone to Paris, that one day we would speak French and one day we would speak English, as he had always spoken English to me. Then when we were in bed, I told him I found French sexy, so now he usually teases me, pretending he doesn't know what I'm saying when we speak English so we have to speak in French.

All morning I had expected Dominic to arrive or at least phone, but nothing. After lunch, I wondered if I should maybe phone him, so I did, but his mobile was off. For a couple of hours I swung from being down and upset because he had only lusted after me, to being angry at myself for being taken in by him. Suddenly I could stand it no longer and went down to the restaurant telling myself I would confront him; then at least I would know.

As I parked the car, I wasn't sure if I could ask him. Look, I said in my head as I made my way to the restaurant. How do you feel about me? Simple! When I reached the restaurant, to my surprise, it was shut and a notice said it would be shut for the next couple of weeks. I stood staring at it for a minute as if it would speak to me, then I went next door and knocked, to see if Grams or Nadine were in, if not Dominic. There was no answer and when I peeped in the windows it looked still and quiet like nobody was there.

Puzzled, I began to fear the worse. First, that they had all left because Dominic hadn't had the courage to tell me it was over. For goodness sake, how stupid was that? It bordered on the insane. Then I wondered if maybe Grams or Nadine had had an accident or something. As I got back into my car, I phoned Michael but his mobile was turned off too and his house phone asked me to leave a message. When Sharon and Samuel got back, I was really worried. They had all disappeared like they had been swiped from the earth. At the back of my mind I wondered if the family were like Steve and Laura, maybe drug runners and the police were on their trail; after all Dominic did seem to have a lot of money.

Sharon checked the local hospitals; no admittance in any of the family's names. It was strange. At last, we went to bed with Samuel saying he would find out tomorrow about where they had all gone. I don't know how he was going to do that!

I had only just drifted off into a restless sleep when my mobile went. It was a text from Dominic. ' _My uncle has died and we are all in Barbados; phone tomorrow, love Dominic._ ' Tears welled up in my eyes: he had put 'love Dominic.' How could I have thought he had abandoned me? His uncle! Oh, what a relief. Suddenly I felt guilty for not having some compassion for the family.

Sharon and Samuel left that morning with all their belongings. I had the whole house to myself for the first time and because I felt so happy, I put the music on loudly and twirled round the rooms, singing at the top of my voice. Dominic phoned at twelve.

"Hallo. Sorry I left it late to let you know what had happened," he apologized. "It all kicked off in the middle of the night and I thought I could ring you on the plane but the signal was no good. I texted you as soon as we landed. I expect you have been worried. Sorry sweetness."

Laughingly I said, "I thought you had been kidnapped by aliens."

"Are you alright?"

"I am now. I am sorry about your uncle; were you close?"

"Not exactly, he is my papa's elder brother; he was nearly ninety. When I was a kid, we used to see him and the family regularly with Papa. Now Nadine and I only come for the New Year and for a month after. Sometimes I come for another visit during the year. Michael never comes; this is his first visit since Papa died. Mama visits for three months from New Year until March or early April. Anyhow they bury people quickly here; the funeral is tomorrow, so we had to get here swiftly."

"Does that mean you will come home soon then, after the funeral?"

"No, I don't think I will be back before you go to England."

Somewhere inside my heart sank to my toes. "Oh well, family is important. Is your mum upset?"

"Yes very. She was close to him, and his family are distraught. It is not very pleasant here at the moment as you can image, so I promised to help take care of the official arrangements, and we are having a church service on Sunday. God, I miss you."

"I miss you too," I felt tears welling up in my eyes - a whole month without seeing him.

"When you go to England don't you break my heart will you?"

"How could I do that?"

"With that stupid ex of yours."

I laughed through my tears. "No way would I go back to him before I met you, let alone now. You are comparing how you feel about Catherine to how you think I feel about Ben; it's not the same"

He said softly, "Oh, how I love you; I can't bare being away from you." I heard the yearning in his voice and my legs had gone so wobbly that I had to sit down.

"I love you too." I whispered.

"I loved you from the moment I saw you, just like Catherine had me. Now I know how she felt. It is like something hit me."

"You know I'm crying this end."

"Why? Don't cry; you know I can't bare it. I want to hold you."

"Why have you left it until you're not here to tell me you love me?"

"I thought you knew. I suppose I should have said that I loved you that first day in Paris, shouldn't I."

"Or even the last day."

"I wasn't sure you felt the same. You never said."

"I was frightened too."

"Frightened! Francine I told you how I felt when you got all shirty with me last time."

"You didn't say you loved me, you just hinted. I'm not good at hints; I need straight talking to convince me and even then I'm not sure if I'm that ......interesting."

"Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Don't you ever look in the mirror woman? "

"Me."

"Well I see the most beautiful person on this planet - in her nature and outside to look at; you're dazzling. You have had me dazzled from the start. That first night I couldn't take my eyes of you, or since. And you're so clever. I hate a stupid, air-headed woman. Oh, hell I wish I had hold of you now. Please stop crying."

"It's tears of happiness because you said you love me."

"Maybe I could come and meet you in England. I can't wait a month before I see you again. Would you mind?"

"Oh I'd adore that."

"Well that's settled then. I'll phone you tomorrow, but it will be late, after the funeral."

"I don't care how late, just phone. I hope everything goes OK."

"Love you; love you, very, very, much."

I laughed, "I love you."

The rest of the day, I had so much energy it was bursting out of me; but then I had energy every day now since I had left England and Ben. I never went to bed exhausted anymore, as I never had to race around after everyone and work full time too. I also had Jeanette and Edme so I didn't even need to do my own housekeeping!

The following day I went shopping with Sharon and Samuel. I bought a couple of settees for my big sitting room, in turquoise synthetic suede, and some paint to match for one of the walls and a much paler shade for the other walls. I ordered curtains the same colour as the settee in silk waterline turquoise taffeta because I thought they would look like rippling sea when they were pulled together. Sharon hated colours; everything was white or beige in her house, so she was horrified. However, I had decided a long while ago that I wanted my room to reflect the sea.

About ten in the evening, Dominic phoned.

"Has the day been awful? Are you OK?"

"Yes, it hasn't been the best of days. I wish you were here. I love you, you know," he said, trying to sound upbeat.

But oh, he was down; I could tell by the tone of his voice; I wanted to hug him. "I wish I was there too, so I could hold you tight."

"Mmm, that image makes me feel better."

"How's everybody, Nadine and Grams?"

"Nadine's fine; Mama is just quiet. I want to know what you have been doing all day."

"I have found a settee in turquoise and I am going to paint my sitting room tomorrow in shades of turquoise. Sharon thinks it should all stay cream as it is now, but I like colours." It sounded mundane talking about such things but I guess he just wanted to focus on something different.

"Well it sounds great, it will look like the sea in there."

"Yes that's the plan."

"Are you in bed?"

"No, I'm sitting by the pool with a glass of wine, working on your programme presentation in English; like I said Dave, my English producer, is interested."

"What have you got on? I need to get with it, get one of those camera phones or gadgets then you could send me a photo."

Was this a dirty phone call where you had sex over the phone? "My green shirt," I answered uncomfortably.

"Arrh I like you in that. Now I can imagine you as you talk to me."

Talk; did he expect me to say something sexy, so he could get a hard on?

"When are you going to England?"

"On Sunday." No, he really did only want to visualize me. "As you're not here, I thought I would go earlier and spend some extra time with my mum and sister."

"If I come to England it will not be until probably the following Thursday or Friday at the earliest."

"If?" Was he having second thoughts?

"No sorry, I'm tired; jet lag and things catching me up; I am still coming."

"Oh good; you do still want to, don't you?"

"Yes, I most definitely do. I am missing you so much I would leave here this instant if I could."

"I think you should have an early night; you sound all in."

"Yep, I'm going to bed as soon as I finish talking to you."

"Night, then."

"Hey, I love you; where is my goodnight kiss?"

I blew an exaggerated kiss down the phone, wishing it was him. "Love you."

"Mmm, I can practically taste you! I'll ring you tomorrow."

About four the next day, just as I had finished painting my sitting room, Dominic phoned.

"You have done all the painting by yourself?" he sounded astounded.

"Yes; why not?"

"I thought the builders would do it; or at the very least, help. And what about Samuel didn't he help or did he just stand and watch?"

"I am quite capable and I enjoy doing it. I painted and put up wallpaper in my English homes; besides Samuel and Sharon moved into their new home on Tuesday."

I heard him groan, like when he had come when we were making love. "You mean you have the house to yourself?"

I chuckled. "Yes."

"That big empty house and.... bed; Ooh!"

"What have you been doing?"

"Apart from dreaming about you?"

"Yes, apart from that."

"I wrote you a song."

"I'm not going to sing it."

"No, it's for me to sing to you."

"I didn't know you wrote songs."

"I used to help Papa with his songs, but I have only written a couple by myself, until now. You have inspired me. I have called it Earth Mother and I think the title of the album should be called that. I also think the video should start with you coming out of the water, like on the first day I came to your house."

"What, with only my pants on?" I don't think so!

"Oh no, certainly not; I don't want other men seeing you. I'll buy you something to wear; not sure what yet."

"Still can't; we have nobody to film it."

"I shall do it, or I shall hire someone. Stop making excuses."

"I think you need someone young and sexy - not me."

"I know you're sexy and look sexy; and how can some young thing have the sexiness of an earth mother? She has to be more mature and natural. No, in my song you will see you are ideal, or how could I have been inspired to write it."

"Let's discuss this when you get back."

"Yes, it will give you time to think about it."

"Sing me my song then."

"No, it isn't finished and I want to see your eyes when I do. You can't hide the truth in those muddy brown eyes of yours."

"How come you didn't know I loved you then? You had me looking deep into your eyes until you touched my very soul."

He gave one of his bubbling spring water laughs, "I thought you did, but I wondered if it was because I wanted you to be."

"You're cracks."

"What is this - cracks?"

"Crackers, mad."

"Oh yes, I am cracks, mad about you." he cooed.

The following day when the phone rang, I picked it up expecting it to be Dominic as it was about the time he said he would ring; but it was Chloe. She only rang occasionally now that she was no longer travelling, so I rang her most weeks and I had rung after I got back from Paris but had had to leave a message.

"Hi, Guess what?" she burst onto the phone. "I'm going to be married on Boxing Day in Antigua! What do you reckon on that?"

Stunned, I asked," am I invited or is this just a couple thing?"

"Of course you're invited! We are having about eighty guests. Oliver's parents said they would foot the bill for our wedding. I was hoping you might help, too."

My, they must be richer than I thought! "Yes, of course."

"I'm having Karen and Rachel for my bridesmaids, in a pale orange silk. The wedding is at night so everyone has to wear evening clothes. I thought you could wear one of your long black dresses with a coloured shawl or jacket or something. Don't turn up in one of your hippy arrangements, will you?"

Hippy arrangements! "Well, I'm coming to England on Sunday; we can go shopping together and pick out your wedding dress. I've looked forward to doing that ever since you were born; then you can help me choose a suitable dress."

"Oh! Well actually Mum, I got my dress last week. Lucy came up and she and I picked it out. Dad paid for it; you'll like it, and it's so beautiful, with beads."

You know the saying you see red when you're angry? Well I did. I was fuming...and hurt. "Well it is traditional for Mothers to go and pick out their daughter's wedding dress with them. But I suppose you did, didn't you? After all Lucy is your stepmother! And by the way, I don't do black anymore," and slammed the phone down. I actually hung up on her! I've never done that to anyone in my life before.

The phone rang again and I picked it up still spitting, with tears streaming down my face and creeping into the corner of my mouth: she was not going to get round me that quickly.

"Whatever you have to say I will never, ever forget this. I suppose you want to know how much money I'll give you? Well, I suggest you let me cool down, because at the moment..."

"Francine...?"

It was Dominic.

"Oh sorry; I thought it was Chloe ringing back."

"What has happened?"

"It doesn't matter. You have enough to worry about."

"It does matter; you are obviously very upset and I will worry if you don't tell me."

So I poured out the story, crying again. Dominic must be fed up with my tears.

"It was thoughtless, but I am sure she is regretting it now; maybe she didn't realize how important it was to you."

"Stop sticking up for her," I wailed; but I loved him for it. "How has your day been?"

"I'll take you to Paris before the wedding and I'll buy you a dress. How's that?"

"Sounds wonderful, even if I don't get a dress," I said. "I could wear that pale turquoise one you bought."

"No you couldn't. I don't want you to wear it when I'm not around; you look too damn enticing in it."

One or two lovely words from him and I was happy again. He knew how to cheer me up...enticing indeed.

# CHAPTER TWENTY- ONE

### A celebrity

Joel met me at East Midland airport. I had expected Keith, so Joel was a lovely surprise. He scooped me into the air, twirled me round and kissed me, oblivious to everyone gazing at us. My, he had grown even taller.

"How do you like the new car you bought me?"

"Did I? It looks very swish; I always wanted a convertible. In fact, I've been looking for one."

"Technically you bought it with the allowance you give me. I saved it until I could buy it. I have no money owing on it," he said, grinning with pride. "And you don't say 'swish' anymore Mum; it's 'nice wheels'."

How different he was from Chloe; she had said Ben had paid for her bride's dress; so what had my allowance to her gone on? More clothes and shoes, I expect; plus she had a job. "Well, it's nice wheels then," I laughed.

Smirking, Joel said, "You look even more terrific than in the summer, and younger; have you had surgery or that botox stuff?"

"No," I giggled; I'm in love, but I said, "I'm just happy."

"You like it in France then? I've been worried about you out there by yourself. I know when you phone me you say you're O K, but you really are, aren't you?"

"Gosh, you're so sweet."

"Mu-um," he protested, as he drove skilfully through the traffic.

"Ooh, you're very caring and I love you. What have you been up to? Are you and Dad getting on better?"

"Well, no. I've moved out and I'm living with Nan."

"Nan didn't tell me!"

"Don't get up tight. I asked her not too. You would have been over and I am perfectly alright. I just couldn't stand Lucy any longer; and she and Dad don't stop arguing. In addition, I keep being dumped with Aaran. I feel so sorry for him. He seems to have no one who loves him."

My heart turned over for the child I had never seen. I knew how distant Ben had been with our two. "I thought Lucy was at home all day? What does she do with Aaran then?"

"She dumps him in a nursery for three days a week, then on anyone who will have him. She goes to the gym, shopping or lunches with friends. Dad and she really fight over it, but she says she never wanted a baby and is not cut out to be a mother and his whining gets on her nerves."

"Poor little thing." What sort of parents could do that? Then Ben had always done it, but the children had had me, until our divorce, when Ben had suddenly found a renewed interest in them.

"Yes, it gets worse. It was his first birthday and they both forgot. That's when I moved out. I can't bear their neglect; it's too heart-breaking. I take him out with me more than either of them. I have a new girlfriend and she has a couple of kids."

"A couple of kids!"

"Yes, she's separated and.."

"Separated!"

"Mum, you're beginning to sound like a parrot."

Well, I was repeating everything because it was a shock. "How old is she, this girl?"

Joel rubbed his chin.

Oh, my goodness not as old as me is she?

"Thirty one or two but seems younger."

"Thirty two!" I repeated and he threw me a look. She was ten years older than him and nearly ten years younger than me. "How old are her kids?"

"The eldest is six and the other is four, both boys and they both adore Aaron."

"Well is it serious? You must seem a proper family man."

"Mmm, I am beginning to think I'm too young to be a family man yet. Her husband has the kids a lot, I'm glad to say; but I feel a bit under pressure, what with Dad, the business and her."

"Is Dad's company not doing any better?"

Joel shook his head.

Suddenly the idea that Dominic had had about a partnership when I got angry with him came floating into my mind. I sort of had a consultancy anyhow; it could easily become an independent agency and publishing company. "Well I have a business I could do with some help with. I'm looking for premises at the moment, and then I will definitely need help. You could run it. I'm not interested in running it. And you've not seen my French house yet. Why don't you come for a visit?"

"What sort of business?"

Any kind you like. I thought quickly, "Well, a consultancy and publishing company. I help market ideas, create them, and publish books." I had been toying in my mind since my travels around the Med with creating some children's storybooks. I had some lovely Mediterranean stories that had been told to me. All I needed was a good illustrator, and Joel was that. "I want an illustrator for children's stories. I pay good money."

Joel chuckled. "It sounds very tempting. I'll think about it."

"Seriously think about it?"

"Seriously; I like the idea of living in the sun, too. What car are you after?"

He was changing the subject. Ok I got the message. I wouldn't push, but deep inside of me I realised how much I wanted him to accept.

The weather was damp, drizzling and cold and the next morning with Mum's help I sorted through my clothes which she had been storing for me. Mel joined us and I told them both about Dominic as they had said I was glowing like light and guessed that I was 'involved,' as Mum put it, but didn't ask anything in front of Joel which nearly killed the pair of them.

Later that day I decided I needed some new winter clothes and I set out next morning with Mum while I had the chance, as I would be busy after that, doing television and radio interviews to launch my programme. I was also meeting up with Giles at Dawn and Raphael's, to see the baby and discuss the launch of their new food, in a few days' time. I had been co-ordinating the marketing from France.

I had chosen, in Paris, two pairs of boots. One pair was in pale soft grey suede, long up to my knee. Dominic was all for me wearing just those when I had bought them but I passed at the time; now I would have done it willingly just for him to hold me. Mmm, gliding himself inside me, which would have undoubtedly happened if I only had boots on! I shook my head, trying to shake the image away, and the feelings of longing congealing in my stomach. I bought a matching grey synthetic suede skirt and an electric blue jumper; it would all be just right for my television interviews. Next, I chose a rust skirt to go with the other pair of brown leather boots, with a soft cream jumper. I bought a couple of pairs of trousers too, one pair dark green velvet. Mum thought a black pair would be smarter. Last, I picked a long cream coat in wool.

"Most unsuitable," Mum said, "but it does look gorgeous on you." In addition, she bought me a silk scarf in shades of grey and a large glamorous hat in cream, which I doubted I would wear, as I don't do hats, and all despite me saying I had lots of money.

"For goodness sake child, I love to buy you something; it gives me pleasure. It isn't about being able to afford it. Besides it's your money I'm buying it with."

'My _child_ ,' hugged her, I know to her I still was. "And it's _your_ money Mum."

"Well that's right and I'll spend it how I want. Now let's go along to the furniture outlet. I'm after some furniture for France."

That was a good idea. Mum bought a comfortable bed and sofa; I also bought more beds for myself for France and then remembered I had my stored antique furniture to take back.

"I guess I shall have to hire a lorry and drive there with everything. It's a good thing I haven't booked a return flight yet."

"You can't drive all that way by yourself in a lorry." Mum said.

Grinning I said "Yes I can, but Dominic will be over; I expect he will help too."

"You should hire someone."

"Mmm, but think of the fun I'll miss. I used to love driving through France when we went on holidays when we were kids."

Mum shook her head as if I was nuts. That was settled then, and she had nearly three weeks to buy anything else she wanted me to take back to France.

Dawn looked radiant and was full of pride when she showed me my godson. He was beautiful, round, smiley with dark eyes and hair.

"He looks like his father," I said and Raphael smiled with delight.

Then Dawn took me on a tour of the now very busy unit. They had eight workers so far. Dawn was so vibrant with enthusiasm about their business, that I felt I had to say something.

"Make sure this is what you want too. Don't spend all your time here and race about not enjoying life, will you?" I said worriedly.

She hugged me, "No. I only work here two mornings a week. I don't intend to do more until all my children are in school; then only if I want. Raphael wouldn't let me, anyhow. He also only works part time. He comes in every day but not for long most days now; he can't bear to leave Francisco. Anyhow, it is well organized as we have a great manager.

Giles had turned up when we got back and was laughing with Raphael. My heart lurched as his gentle love-making flittered through my mind; he looked happy and fit.

"Wow, you look terrific," he said when he spied me and kissed me on the cheek. "France or someone agrees with you," he winked.

I blushed; he guessed, how?

Later, when we had a quiet moment together he asked. "Well, who is he then?"

"His name is Dominic and he's a widower."

"At least twenty years younger than me."

"Six months younger than me."

"Lucky man, I will have to inspect him of course, to see if he's good enough for you."

I smiled, how could he be so happy for me? He saw my puzzled gaze.

"I told you, I was not meant for you," he put his arm about me and I immediately snuggled into him. "As much as I love you and I do, you are too alive with vitality for me. I need a quiet life; I like to watch life, and no longer need the passion you have inside you for living. I find it too overwhelming. I need life to be slow and smooth, no upsets or arguments. I wouldn't have kept you happy for long. I know you don't understand that, but one day when you are older you will understand what I am saying."

"Will I? Am I argumentative then?"

He shook his head. "No, no, that's not what I am saying. It is not you; it's _me_. I can't be bothered with keeping other people happy, just myself. I am a selfish old man; the emotions of the young on their roller coaster of life get me down. I like living by myself, although my wife being there would have been nice; I like doing what I want or not doing anything. Be as boring as I like. You are literally glowing; are you not in love with this Dominic?"

"Yes; I just wondered how long I would keep him happy for."

"By keeping yourself happy. How much do you love him?"

I shivered, "He floods me with feelings I didn't know existed, let alone existed inside of me."

"Good feelings?"

I nodded.

"How does he make you feel about yourself?"

"That I'm lovely, clever; he thinks I'm both; he thinks I have brilliant ideas. I feel I can achieve anything if I want to, when I'm with him."

"He sounds perfect if he makes you feel that good about yourself, because you are all those things and more. It's about time you had such confidence; although I had seen it growing in you."

"I only need a small knock and it goes, though."

"Well, confidence is easily knocked in the best of us and we all doubt ourselves, even the most confident person. Aim for what you want, because you will get it."

Laughing I said, "I didn't get you."

"You doubted yourself about us too much. Otherwise, I expect you would have in time, if you really had wanted me, but I think you would have regretted it. I would never have made you this happy; you're shining. Don't doubt yourself over Dominic if you want him. You are more than worthy of him; you are worthy of any man. So just remember that."

"Oh, I love you," I kissed his soft cheek, my eyes filling with water. "Dominic even reckons I can sing. He's recording an album; he's a fantastic musician and wants me to sing on it."

"There's a challenge! Frightened?"

"Mmm, yes."

"Well if this Dominic says you can sing, why don't you believe him? He's hardly going to let his album get messed up is he?"

I hadn't thought of it like that.

"Would you like to do it?"

"Mmm... yes, I think I would."

"Well, go for it."

That night when Dominic phoned, I agreed to sing on his album.

"And do the walking out of the sea bit for the intro?" he asked.

Yes, why not? Look darn sexy, that's what Dominic said. Well it will be something I can look back on when I am old and wrinkly. "Yes, OK."

"My, who has been talking to you? Have you seen that ex of yours?"

"If you're talking about my ex-husband he would be the last to encourage me. No it was my best friend Giles; he said I should stop doubting myself."

Dominic went quiet for a moment, "Mmm, the travelling companion on your programme we watched. He sounds as if he knows you well. Have I to worry about him?"

"Once maybe, but not now. I love you."

"He's the person that got shot isn't he?"

"Yes, he's a good friend Dominic; he thinks you are good for me too."

"Do I have to have his approval then?"

Oh gosh. I can't handle this from a distance.

"No, you only need my approval and you have that. Giles is still in love with his dead wife and when I met you, you said how you still loved Catherine and I thought you couldn't love me because you loved her so much, like Giles. I was frightened of rejection again. Please stop this; you have no reason to worry about any other man."

"Sorry, it's just being so far away from you; you're so gorgeous, and I love you so much. After Catherine, I thought I could never love anyone again. I love you like I never ever thought it was possible to love and even more than I loved Catherine. I can't bear you being in England where I don't know what you are like with people there. I feel I only have the French you. I know it's silly."

I hooted. I had felt like that about him especially being in Barbados. So, I told him that and he started laughing too.

"What a silly pair we are," he said at length.

The following ten days were exciting, hectic, and exhausting. The four of us, plus baby Squidge, as he was nicknamed as none of us could resist him, travelled to London and did television chat shows and interviews. We travelled round several major cities doing local interviews and Raphael did cooking demonstrations with us 'helping' and I signed so many of my books I thought my hand would drop off. Halfway through the week, our show went out and the following day Raphael and Dawn did a big event to launch their food with one of the recipes from the programme. If we thought we were popular before well, it was nothing compared to the following we had after.

It's funny being a 'celebrity,' as we were, I suppose. I didn't feel like a celebrity, just as if I was in a dream. I mentioned it to Giles one evening as we relaxed in the lounge of yet another hotel.

"This is the quiet and boring life you must have been talking about."

Giles grinned, "Do you feel famous?"

"No, but I suppose we are."

We both agreed it was weird.

Dominic phoned each night for an 'update,' as he called it; but he had also managed to follow me 'on screen,' usually on his laptop.

"You look very glamorous, all due to that fellow who took you to Paris, shopping."

I never pointed out that most were recent English purchases too. I had so many clothes; I was in danger of becoming a 'Lucy.'

One evening Paul rang me reminding me to come to America before long to promote there. He wanted all four of us but Dawn and Raphael gave a definite no, promising to come in the summer before our second show went out, when Squidge was a little older and their business was more established. Giles was hesitant; he had had enough of 'show biz'. Me, I couldn't be away from Dominic again, but mostly it was because I wasn't keen on seeing Paul either. I could tell he was ruffled and he pointed out it was part of my contract with him to help promote the show and my book.

I tried another excuse, "I have to see if it's Ok with my boyfriend as we are working on a music album together, and we are behind schedule with recording and filming."

"Well, talk him into coming with you. I have a fabulous recording suite and he can use my studios to recreate any filming backgrounds."

Mmm, he wasn't perturbed because I had a boyfriend, but would he tell Dominic about our one-nighter or expect more when Dominic wasn't around? As if he was telepathic he suddenly said,

"Oh by the way, I would appreciate you not saying what a lovely time we had together to my wife if you meet her; she's expecting our first baby. I don't want to get her upset over a bit of fun."

A bit of fun! I hadn't realised he was married. My fault I should have asked. I pitied his wife. He was as bad as Ben; maybe that's how Ben saw it, as a 'bit of fun.' Thinking back, I wasn't at all sure Paul or Ben were fun. It was somewhat awesome with Paul in a peculiar way but that was because his stamina was so new to me; but I had had enough of his fun by morning. Ben, well I'm not sure it was ever fun. Even from the beginning, it was all too serious. I had felt excited when we first met, but that was the feelings of first love I suppose. However, it soon became duty; just to relieve himself, I remember thinking most times. We certainly never made love and he had never kissed me from head to toe. I rarely felt satisfaction because he never took the time to get me aroused. It also always felt sneaky like we shouldn't be doing it. Not like Dominic: open, honest, and lovingly enjoying our bodies together and driving me crazy with kisses. Even in bed, if it was dark he had insisted the lights went on, saying he wanted to see how desirable I was; and I loved looking at him too.

Well I had my eyes wide open to Ben now, because of Dominic. I just hoped Dominic was more like Dad and Giles, faithful, and if not, I would see through him too, as I had no intention of ever putting up with any man that was unfaithful again. So because of Paul's insistence with the contract I had little choice and made temporary arrangements to go, in late November, to America. All I had to do was tell Dominic. I decided to wait until he was with me in only two days' time.

I went back to Mum's when the tour was finished as I had three local events to do. All the family, plus Chrissie and Karen, made me feel embarrassed with their praise because I was a 'star '. Except Chloe; I hadn't heard from her. I had however been to see Julia and got her to legally give Chloe one of her houses on her wedding day. The tenants had six months left on their rental agreement so Chloe would have time to think whether she wanted to sell or take the rental income from it. I had already sent her a large cheque from France to pay for her wedding.

Joel was so chuffed about me that he invited all his friends to come and have lunch with me at Raphael's dad's restaurant, where he interviewed Dawn, Raphael, and me for the magazine; Giles had gone home to Dorset. Ben turned up too which I had half expected, but what I hadn't expected was him looking so old. I know he was nearly fifty but it was also only a few months since I had seen him. The energy that he usually radiated had gone, his hair was nearly grey, and he was getting a bit of a paunch instead of his flat stomach and slim hips. Later, after Joel and everyone had gone and I was preparing to leave, Ben came over to talk with me. He ordered us another drink and as he sat opposite, I noticed how dull his eyes were, usually his best feature.

"You OK? You don't look well?"

"Mmm; I've just got over a virus. You look great though."

My, was this Ben talking? I look great! I waited for the criticism. It didn't come. What was he after? At length feeling a little uncomfortable I said, "Well what's up, you seem different?"

He jumped at the remark. "Oh I am, very, very different. I wish we had never separated; I don't know what came over me," he whined.

Lucy perhaps, but I kept quiet. What _did_ he want? Whatever it is, I wasn't interested and he was not getting a penny either. "I heard you were arguing."

"Oh, Joel," he said, nodding.

"Yes. He said your son, Aaron, is delightful though."

He ignored that comment, only thinking about himself; and he had changed...? I don't think so.

" _We_ never used to argue. You were so simple to live with. I don't suppose you would consider having me back."

I nearly choked on my drink. Wow! Well, this was a surprise; the nerve he had, even asking! "No, ?fraid not. I have a life that's great in France, thanks; and the reason we never argued was because I was too darned tired and I hated you sulking and I tried to please you all the time, otherwise you would be nasty to me for days; _you_ were not easy to live with."

He shrugged. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't be like that now. I have changed; Lucy's done that, worn me down; and the money she spends! I would appreciate you now. I'm thinking of selling the mag and the company to Matt. I've had enough; it's not the same now you're not there."

"My goodness," I gasped. "I never thought I would see the day."

"I told you I've changed. You wouldn't need to work or get tired."

For some unknown reason my stomach started to quiver. He wouldn't surely come to France.... Oh please, no. As calmly, as I could I asked, "Well what will you do if you sell?"

"Not sure yet; I haven't told Joel; could you?"

I gritted my teeth. "No, I think it's your duty to tell him, not mine."

"Mmm. Well, I suppose he will still have you and _your success_ and things."

Yes, here comes the nasty bit.

"Lucy will probably bleed me dry if we divorce."

"And I doubt if Matt will give you a fair price for the company. You should take legal advice; give some of your assets to your children or put the house in the children's names with a stipulation that you live in it until you die; then Lucy might not get hold of them."

"When did you get so clever?"

Sarcasm again! "I have always been clever, you just never appreciated how clever."

"I would now."

Only for a moment, especially if you wanted something. "Too late," I said rising. "And you would still be a cheating shag bastard." I had suddenly had enough of this farce. "Well, I must go now. Bye, see you at Chloe's wedding."

He looked up at me with dull blue eyes like a big worn out old dog. For a second, I nearly hugged him. As I drove home, inside I was secretly half hoping he would sell, and then maybe Joel would come and work with me. The other half of me thought Ben might come too and that I didn't want.

When I arrived home, Mel said, "Nadine has rung with a message; she and Dominic tried your mobile but couldn't get through." I had turned it off for Joel's interview and with Ben filling my thoughts I had forgotten to turn it back on.

Mel went on, "Grams has had a fall and knocked herself out. Dominic has gone to hospital with her, and he has cancelled his flight to England for tomorrow. He'll phone when he can."

I fell into a chair; I ached to see him, I hurt with longing, and I wanted him to meet my family. I worried for hours about Grams and eventually in the early hours of the morning Dominic rang. He had just got out of the hospital; Grams had come round from unconsciousness, and her face and the right side of her body were severely bruised.

"In fact her face is so black down one side she looks more like a Barbadian from one angle. I can't leave her like this with just Nadine to handle things."

"Of course you can't. How on earth did she fall?"

"She was in Auntie Sara's and Lulu's house helping to cook. The place has hundreds of children running about plus dogs, cats, and chickens all in the house and she turned round with a tray from the oven and fell over one of the cats. As she fell, she hit herself on a stout cabinet. It was dreadful; I thought for a moment she was dead. Nadine and the Aunts screamed; I thought they were going to faint. How she has not broken anything I don't know; the bruising is terrific. I think we will have to stay here longer; I can't see her being able to travel for a few days. Then I will have to take her back to France. I'm sorry darling."

"At least she's going to be OK. Your family are having a hard time of it aren't they? I will hopefully see you in another week, back home in France then."

"Mmm, I'll give you an update tomorrow after I've met with the doctor."

The update was uncertain and Dominic didn't even know when he would be back in France; it would depend on how quickly Grams recovered. I arranged to travel back to France, hiring a van for myself, and three days later, at five o'clock in the morning, I started back. After stopping for the night in a B and B half way down, I arrived home at six in the evening and immediately phoned Mum; and then without unpacking, I raced down to my beach, disrobed, and went for a swim. It was now the beginning of November and the water was icy cold. It froze my body and crept into my belly but it was exhilarating and I was glad I was home.

# CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

### Addictive lovemaking.

My limbs felt heavy with tiredness the following night after the journey, all the driving catching up with me, so going to bed early I snuggled down and slept solidly until six in the morning. Now I was awake and had been tossing for hours until I couldn't bear it anymore and got up. I sat lazily on the terrace eating my yoghurt and fruit. The sun still had warmth in it as it crept into the sky. I hoped that Dominic would be home, maybe tomorrow. I hadn't spoken to him for the last couple of days so I wasn't sure. His mother was feeling up to travelling now and they were trying to book a flight last time we had spoken.

I wondered what I should do first. The hire firm were picking up the lorry in the morning. I couldn't heave some of the furniture out by myself, but the builders were back today, so maybe they would help. I also needed food and as it was early, I decided to go shopping first. My mind made up I ordered a taxi. I really would have to get a car. Loaded down with shopping I dumped it in the kitchen and went in search of a strong man. The builders were a nice bunch and could understand my French; they were more than willing to unload and place the furniture wherever I wanted, especially for several bottles of wine!

About four, as the builders disappeared home, a shadow fell across my kitchen and there, grinning, leaning lazily against the doorframe was Dominic, drinking me in. I stood staring, unable to believe my eyes.

"Well, don't I get a kiss or something," he smirked, holding out his arms and I ran into them. He swept me up, twirled me round, giving me passionate kisses.

Coming up for breath, I said, "Gosh, I can hardly believe you're here."

He chuckled, "I gathered that. Damn, I've missed you. I thought I was never going to get home."

"When did you get back? How's Grams?"

"I got home about an hour ago, made sure Mama was alright, she has gone to bed, and I asked Nadine if it was OK to shoot up here. She reckons I have been love sick long enough."

"Oh, so have I."

I saw tenderness creep across his face and he kissed me softly on the mouth then across my eyelids as I closed them, brushing down my neck, making my body heat up. We grazed each other with our mouths, gently at first but desire soon took hold of us and our tongues collided frantically as our hunger mounted.

"You said I could pounce anytime," he said, huskily.

"Mmm, now would be nice," I muttered into his neck. He scooped me into his strong arms, still kissing me, carrying me upstairs. When we reached the top he stopped, "Which door is your bedroom then?"

Oh yes, he hadn't been upstairs before, with Sharon here. We rolled onto the bed, undressed each other, and just lay gazing at each other, he on one elbow. Then he bent and I felt his warm breath, followed by his soft lips, gliding across my stomach.

"You have the smoothest of skins, like silk; no stretch marks: no one would know you have had children."

"That's because I was young and had stretchy skin and I was never very big with either of them."

"Mmm and you taste as sweet as sugar," and turning, gave me one of his amorous kisses that stopped me from thinking and curled my toes. When my mouth was released, I smooched his neck, and chest and he kissed the top of my head; I buried my face in his soft curly chest hair. Oh, he smelt wonderful! He slipped his hands over my buttocks, stroking them gently. We rocked about on the bed twisting, kissing, and caressing each other. I was drenched in goose bumps, electrical sensations creeping into my insides and down my legs; I began to writhe like a snake and my legs fell open and he climbed on top of me and slipped himself into me. I sighed a deep, happy sigh, which made him smile, and he put one of his long fingers under my chin. He gave a couple of thrusts, gazing at me, swirls of emotion in his eyes; my stomach curdled and I had an orgasm in record time.

Chuckling, he kissed my mouth, a long lingering kiss; he knew what it did to me, and he lay quiet, not moving hard inside me. Sliding his mouth down, he sucked one of my breasts; his tongue then danced around my nipples as he started to lazily move again inside me. After a minute, he found my mouth; his kisses became demanding, piercing his tongue deep into my mouth in rhythm with his thrusting. It was so lustful, desire swept through me; with legs quivering, I curled them round his buttocks and pulled him tighter into me, arching my back. Oohh, I moaned in my throat and gripped him harder. His hot mouth slid to my breasts and he sucked them hard; then he switched back and penetrated my mouth, flicking and jabbing with his tongue as he loomed above me, his rhythm fast. I groaned and simpered, his thrusting became fiercer, I screamed, and he got even faster until we peaked.

We lay limp together, me in his arms, trying to regain our breath.

"You are such a noisy lover and so easy to please."

"Am I?"

He laughed, shaking his head, puzzled, "Yes. I can't believe your husband wanted other women."

"Oh it was nothing like this with Ben; I rarely had an orgasm with him. With you I can't stop having them."

He looked at me amazed. "You're kidding."

I shook my head. "I think I could count on one hand the amount of times I had an orgasm with him."

"But you were married for twenty years!"

"Yep."

"Oh, poor you! All that passion you have in you as well."

"According to him, I'm cold; I have no passion; and to be fair I didn't with him. He never kissed me as you do, all over, to get me aroused. Of course, he said it was my fault, and I thought it was too. In the early part of my marriage, he said it was because I didn't relax enough, that's why I didn't get an orgasm. I knew no better, so I thought it was me and I also thought that was how sex was."

"I can hardly believe it - and you, cold?" he gave a mischievous grin. "Oh, you have a lot of catching up to do then. And never having a chance to express yourself; how horrible for you!" He nuzzled my neck, his mouth bruising me gently.

"I'm not sure he would have liked me to 'express myself.' He liked to be in control; he just bonked me in the dark and I thought he was happy with that."

"I knew he was a stupid man for letting you go; he sounds selfish as well. He doesn't know what he missed, giving you pleasure. I kinda like the idea of you not finding him so wonderful. I wondered how I compared"

"No comparison! I never knew making love and sexual desire really existed until I met you. I certainly didn't know it was so addictive," I giggled. "No wonder it's caught on."

"All those wasted years. I shall have to make up for it, some of it right now." And he went to kiss my mouth.

"I suppose you and Catherine were splendid."

"She was never as passionate as you are," he grinned, "She wasn't a screamer and I was never as sure as I am with you that she was enjoying it."

"Maybe I should try being quieter or ...."

"Don't you dare; I love it; does a man's ego the world of good. Now come here."

Later we went down to Dominic's house. The restaurant was, naturally, closed but he was going to cook for us all anyhow. Michael was there with his son Pierre; they both looked pale and when I saw Grams I could see why. Dominic hadn't exaggerated when he said she was badly bruised; I hugged her gently.

The next day I walked down to Dominic's. As I entered the harbour, I was suddenly in the middle of a protest. The harbour was bustling with people, banners, and police. At first, I wondered what it was about. Then gradually I read the placards and listened to the shouts. The market, which had been held twice a week for over twenty years at the marina, was being moved to several miles inland. The nearly two hundred stall holders thought that moving it such a long way inland would give them less customers and no longer make their businesses viable. In addition, the marina had been done up recently with a ferry service that brought more people and just as they were to reap the benefits they were told to move. The stallholders wanted it in the shopping centre car park, which was under half a mile from the roundabout, but the shop owners complained, so permission had been refused.

As I neared Dominic's house, which was on the left of the restaurant, I noticed with some surprise, that the restaurant was open, with disgruntled people all yelling at the mayor as Dominic and Nadine raced about serving. Grinning, I went into the kitchen at the back.

"Give me a job then," I said.

"I can't expect you to help," Dominic said, kissing me, with a tray of drinks in his hand.

"It wouldn't be the first time, would it Nadine?"

"No, she's great at buzzing about and very efficient. Could you make two salads and one tomato salad? I'm afraid the salad needs chopping."

Dominic raised an eyebrow at me. I blew him a kiss, grabbed a knife, and set to work. Eventually people drifted miserably back to their homes and it died down. The mayor was left desolate until Dominic handed him a large brandy, for comfort, obviously. As I cleared up the kitchen, I had an idea. How about the market being held on my land at the roundabout? I was not allowed to build on it, but the market holders wouldn't, surely, be classified as development. There were a few barns and some old buildings in the middle of the acreage; they could be turned into loos and maybe a café.

Mmm, I could make an easy business from this as well. If I said I would also landscape the v-shaped bit by the roundabout and include a children's park and gardens it would add to the attraction of the area too. It was only scrubland and very ugly and overgrown at the moment. The stallholders could hold their market each week and every other weekend there could be a larger one. There was plenty of land there doing nothing. The shopping centre was opposite the entrance to the buildings, which stood, well half stood, in the middle of a field. People could park their cars on one side of the field and I could hold the market on the other side so it would not interfere with the shopping centre. If it grew as large as the one near Lincoln, which was the biggest in Europe, it would attract coaches and tours and make the community and me a lot of money. It's funny how once you have money, you can make more easily. Resolved, I went out to speak to the mayor.

The following week after several hasty meetings, where I suggested that I let the stallholders have their market free until the New Year as a trial run, it was agreed.

* *

At the beginning of the next week Sharon, Samuel, Dominic and I sailed to Turkey on Spirit as Sharon and I wanted some carpets and Dominic was going to investigate some of the undersea places I had told him about, for his programme. Dominic and I had spent the night together for the first time since Paris, in my cabin.

Next morning Sharon, smirking as she poured a coffee said, "You've put some of that reading into practice then."

I blushed; I would have to do something about my loud lovemaking. I will threaten Dominic that if he can't keep me quiet somehow, we will have to stop doing it on board the boat. Mmm, as if!

Then Samuel appeared followed by Dominic. Samuel turned and said, "Boy was this boat rocking last night! What do you do to her man?"

Dominic looked abashed; (good!)...but he said, "not a lot, it is like lighting a firework; she just goes off."

"That's because she has been deprived for so many years," Sharon said.

We had had a 'girlie' talk one day when she delivered me some of her romance books in England.

" Mmm, What is this Ben like?" Dominic asked.

OH, oh.

"Oh don't get me started," Sharon said and immediately launched into telling him, interrupted by Samuel. I strolled up on deck with my yoghurt. I didn't really want to here. After all, he _is_ my children's father.

I had rung Hamish just before we had left, and again yesterday, to tell him we had anchored. He was showing us some good carpet shops today and suddenly I spotted him jumping up and down, waving, on the quay. We all piled into the outboard and I had hardly put my foot on shore when Hamish hugged me, twirling me round. I glanced at Dominic; I could see his eyes looked troubled, but he said nothing. I grinned at him, grabbed his arm and introduced him to Hamish as my boyfriend. Hamish, laughing, hugged him with just as much happiness as he had me.

"This is why you look so happy. I'm glad the love potions worked then," and winked.

"What love potions?" Dominic asked, followed by Sharon, and Hamish and I rolled up. I knew Sharon wouldn't let it drop; she was intrigued with that sort of thing. She immediately set about charming Hamish to find out. He stood no chance.

In the second shop, I saw a beautiful intricately patterned rug in different shades of turquoise and green, with cream and brown; just what I wanted to go in my large sitting room, but it was too small.

"No problem," Hamish said. "Give me your measurements and it will be made and delivered in two weeks."

As I would be in America with Dominic then followed by a tour in England, as my book was selling like wild fire in the Christmas shops, we arranged for the carpet to be delivered to Sharon's. In another shop, I found a plum coloured carpet to go in my smaller sitting room and a small narrow carpet to go in my corridor from the house to the pool. Sharon had six!

"Where are they all going to go?" asked Samuel.

"These two are for our home in New York."

"But I thought we were selling it and living with one of the boys when we visit?"

However, he was wasting his time; she had the six. Mostly, she confided to me later, because they were so lovely she could not make up her mind.

Next day Hamish, with our diving guide we had met last year, took Dominic and me to some diving spots. It was one of the warmest Novembers they had had for a long time, certainly warmer than the previous year when I had been there. The sea was cold though, so we only did short dives, and I was still cold in the evening, so Dominic had to warm me up... Shame!

Dominic, the night after listening about Ben, said how it had hurt him to know that I had been treated like that and been so unhappy in my life.

"But I wasn't unhappy; I didn't know any different. I do now," I said, kissing his mouth as we lay together in bed.

"I hope you are happy; maybe someone else could make you even happier, like you said you know no different."

"No one could make me happier," I said. Every day I brimmed to bursting with happiness.

He kissed the tip of my nose and I kissed his chest and slid my mouth down to his stomach, and he groaned. "Now who's making a noise?"

He laughed and whispered, "They will think it's you." I started hitting him tenderly with my fists; smirking, he caught hold of my wrists, brushing my lips. We rolled about as I tried harder to get free and his laughter increased. Suddenly letting go of my wrists, he started tickling me. I can't stand being tickled. So again, I tried to stop him, which was impossible; he was far too quick and strong and we rolled about on the bed in hysterics until he drew me close and slipped himself into me all in a swift second. It shut me up as he drove, slowly, deeply into me, teasing me with kisses on the tip of my nose and chuckling. I went to grab his nose; he gripped my hands dragging my arms above my head and pinned them to the sheet. Laughing and behaving dominantly, he began to thrust faster...oh my goodness the friction made my insides sizzle; sweeping electrical prickles went down my legs, and shot up to my breasts, and rippled along my spine. I went to curl my legs round him but I was so ravished in spasms I couldn't. I went to cry, Dominic clamped his mouth on mine, and I gurgled in his throat and he moaned into mine.

The next day as we sailed back home, I asked Dominic if he knew of some premises I could maybe afford near to me.

"What sort of premises. What do you want them for?"

In the last few evenings when Dominic had not been around, I had started writing my children's books about the tales around the Mediterranean. There were so many I had decided to divide them into three books and I was secretly hoping that in December, when I went to England again, Ben might have sold up and Joel would illustrate them and come to France to do it. I was going to market them myself through my own publishing and printing company. However, I needed some premises for the printing machines.

"I have those old building behind my house. They need doing up."

I smiled at him, amazed. "How much of the harbour and marina do you own?"

"A bit; my house, then the restaurant, well actually half of that is Nadine's; and the apartment on top, the house you rented the other side of the restaurant and two more houses further down. Then this old building and another house next to that."

"How big is this building?"

"Big enough for what you want I should think. It has a large warehouse sort of room that could accommodate lots of machinery and several small rooms that could become offices. If the front is knocked out you could install a smart glass reception area."

"Sounds as if it will cost; I have that market place gardens to pay out for at the moment; I'm not sure I could afford to buy it and do it up, although I'm waiting for cheques."

"How about I loan you some money or I'll rent the building to you? All business-like and in your name and through a solicitor or however you want," he added swiftly.

I flung my arms round his neck. "You would do anything to make me happy, wouldn't you?"

"Yes I would, and I would do anything to see that sadness in your eyes go, when you talk about your children."

"I am happy. And I have thought over what you said about having a business here that Joel would like. Ben said he might sell the company. I know it's not nice but I hope he does then if I have one...."

"Well, let's try then."

My eyes filled with tears; oh how I loved, loved, loved, this man.

# CHAPTER TWENTY- THREE

### Children

The property did look desolate and in need of repair, and I winced when I saw it. Dominic said it was his premises; he would make them suitable and rent them to me. That way I could afford them and it would be in my name, my business and on an agreed number of years' lease. Maybe later, if I decided to buy, and he wanted to sell, I could.

I kissed him; he smiled, hugging me. "Well, tell me how you would like it all to look."

Some evenings Dominic began to stay late; we would cuddle on the settee and roll up at some comedy film or we would swim in the pool, make love, and then sit together, usually naked, while he wrote his music and songs, and I wrote my stories. It was so pleasant and comfortable. I had never had moments like this with Ben and I was blissfully happy...as long as I didn't think about the children. (Chloe had not thanked me for her money.) I had never sat with Ben naked; in fact, I had hardly seen him naked, certainly not walking around dangling his bits. I found it so sensual, it would turn me on, and if we made love, I liked to look at Dominic after too.

We were in the pool one night, naked, when I watched Dominic come towards me, a drink in his hand. He was so beautiful, and my nipples went hard. He must have seen the desire in my eyes, not to mention my erect nipples! He smirked as he handed me the drink, and kissed me passionately, so my toes curled and when he stood up, he was hard, so I kissed the top of his erection.

"Don't tease me like that," he said.

I suppose that kiss was not to tease.

I grabbed hold of his hand and pulled him down; he took the glass from my hand and started kissing my neck and fondling my body. Oh, the firework was lit, and I rolled towards him sliding my hands across his back and buttocks. Together we kissed and caressed each other until my back hurt as it was twisted, with me only half on the sun bed; so I turned, sat up and knocked the glass over. Dominic picked it up and put it on a nearby table and I grabbed a cloth and mopped up the drink. I was bent on my hands and knees wiping the floor; Dominic came up behind me and stroked my wiggling buttocks. As I went to straighten up, he tilted over me, went down on his knees, catching my hanging breasts, and slipped his erection into my vagina and immediately started to pump me. Surprised, I didn't move and as he became stronger and went faster my whole body shook and my knees, on the hard surface, started to rub and my arms began trembling, so I tried to shift and nearly went flat on my face. Dominic slid his strong arm round and under my stomach holding me up, continuing to thrust, without hesitation, with me still on my hands and knees, his other hand still cupped one of my swinging breasts, squeezing it with the rhythm of his movements; then he came with an incredible moan. For the first time with Dominic I didn't get an orgasm; it all seemed too animalistic and impersonal. It reminded me of Ben; I felt he could have been doing it with anyone just to gratify his own satisfaction, and I didn't like it.

I turned round and we sat together on the tiled floor. Dominic curled me into his arms. I lay there quietly against his side until he said, "You didn't enjoy that did you?"

"How did you know?"

"You're stillness now, and you didn't give me one of those uncontrolled little screams of yours. Why didn't you tell me to stop?"

I had told Ben to stop once; a couple of weeks after I had given birth to Joel and it hurt, as I still felt bruised. Ben had called me a cold bitch and various other names, sulked and was nasty for days until I gave in.

Dominic tilted my chin up, cradling it in his palm when I didn't answer and gazed into my eyes, "You have made me feel terrible; I don't get any pleasure from you not liking something Francine."

"But you did."

"I didn't realize; that's why. I find pleasure just being with you without touching you; I am happy and satisfied every day because I have you in my life. You must promise me that if I do anything you don't like, you will tell me. Otherwise it will stop the magic between us," his eyes looked in agony. "I mean it Francine; if you don't you will stop wanting me."

I nodded; I knew he was right and I snuggled into him; how could I not love such a man?

"Say promise - and mean it."

I promised.

"Now I'm going to kiss you all over, to make up for it; I know you adore that."

* *

The weekend before I went with Dominic to America, I went with Nadine to Paris. Dominic had asked me if I would like to go there with Nadine when he had got back from Barbados so I could buy an outfit for Chloe's wedding.

"I'd rather go with you," I had replied.

"Yes, I would rather you did; but I told Nadine about Chloe, when you were upset and we were in Barbados, and she was really angry. So I think she is hoping going with you in some way she will make up for your daughter. She is very fond of you and has never really had a mother/ daughter shopping trip adventure. I think she would like to know what it is like."

"I have tender feelings for her; she is so sweet, I would love it." What else could I say? I did feel deeply for Nadine and I had several times wished my daughter was as caring as her.

It was cold when we got to Paris; as soon as we arrived at the apartment Nadine rushed to put on the heating. We then swaddled ourselves up in scarves and hats and went out for dinner; the night air held the smell of frost and our breath stuck suspended in the air as we spoke. After having a lovely meal, we raced back to the warm apartment. I told her to put on her pyjamas or something comfy and I did the same; then we watched a romantic comedy, eating chocolate. Heaven! The next day we went shopping, trying on clothes and hats just for fun, and landed up literally in stitches, with our sides hurting from laughter. In the end, Nadine picked out a long ice blue silk dress for me, for Chloe's wedding. It was low in the front and passed my waist at the back; obviously, I wouldn't be able to wear a bra.

"Don't you think it is a bit daring?" I said, not convinced. I kept wondering what Dominic would say. He didn't want me to wear the last dress I got in Paris unless I was with him and it was nowhere near as sexy as this one.

"That's the point. You look scrumptious in it. It's also very elegant. You are going to be on your own with your ex and his wife; wear it. It will knock them all dead."

I giggled. "Your dad might not like me knocking them dead, especially my ex. It's all a bit wicked."

"Of course it's wicked or it wouldn't be fun and I know how you love Papa. So have some amusement making your ex jealous and regret that he gave you up."

There was a lot more to Nadine than met the eye, and her father's! She didn't know Ben though. In addition, Lucy was beautiful and only twenty-eight. I loved the dress but I didn't want a bad week; Chloe still hadn't phoned, and her attitude would be enough to contend with. However, Mum, Mel and Joel would be there. Oh yes; why not? Nadine was right it might be fun wearing something so naughty.

While looking for shoes to go with the dress, Nadine saw some lovely leather boots, which I bought her. She was thrilled although she said she could buy them herself.

"I want to buy them for you as a gift because you are so special; don't spoil it by refusing."

Her eyes went glassy and she softly said, "Thank you; I shall wear them even when they are out of fashion."

Chuckling, I hugged her, and then we trotted back to the apartment and messed about with hairstyles, painted our nails, and told each other our funny and secret stories. She had had many boyfriends but had never had sex; she was reserving that for love and her future husband, she told me seriously. As soon as she found him, she would and before they were married probably, because if you loved each other that was part of it.

She was as lovely in nature as she was to look at and how could I tell her to wait until she was married when I was obviously doing it with her father. I was not sure Dominic would agree though. She also healed a part of the gap that Chloe had left and I didn't miss Dominic like I thought because we had such a good, giggly, girlie time together.

The day before we left for America, Joel phoned.

"Dad's selling up to Matt."

Oh goody, goody. "Well, I've got a company here you can have."

He went quiet, no answer.

"Joel,"

"Look Mum, I don't know what I want at the moment. Garry from uni is off to Australia and I'm going with him."

"Oh." Tears started welling in my eyes. "What about your girlfriend?" I tried to keep the tremor out of my voice.

"She's gone back to her husband."

"And that's upset you?"

"No, I'm relieved. I can tell you're upset though; but I've had a rotten time since I finished uni. I've argued with Dad and Lucy and I've always thought I would take over the company and that is all I've focused on since I was small. My future is not my future anymore and I feel lost. I need to clear my head."

Mmm I knew that feeling. "How long are you going for?" Please don't let it be forever.

"I'm not sure; I'm leaving on Saturday so I won't be here when you come to England."

That soon! "What about Chloe's wedding?"

"Well I won't miss that. I'm still going, just from Australia," he laughed. "Otherwise she'll never talk to me again. I hear she's upset you once more."

"She told you then. I put the phone down on her and she hasn't spoken to me since."

"You should phone her; she thinks you hate her. You two have a funny relationship nowadays."

"Yes, we do. I suppose I will phone her. I think she should really phone me though to at least thank me for all the money I sent her for her wedding."

"She didn't mention money."

"Mmm, that's your sister for you. I would hardly have sent her such a lot of money if I hated her, would I? Talking of money, I'll put some in your account so you can have it wherever you are."

Laughing, he said. "I do have enough or I wouldn't be going."

"You are so different from Chloe. I don't know what she does with the money I send her. It goes before I've hardly given it to her."

"Well that's Chloe; but any funds will be gratefully received."

My mum mode set in. "I want you to have a good time, but be sensible and text or ring me regularly."

"Don't I always anyhow?"

My heart gave a lurch; yes, he did, but that didn't make up for the ache I had in my heart.

Later Sharon came over and I was in tears. She said I was nuts wanting my kids about so much. She visited her two boys often, but that was more than enough.

"You've forgotten what it's like to be at their beck and call, which you are, no matter how old they get. Anyhow children should leave the nest; it's only right."

Yes, I agreed; but did they have to fly so far away from it?

Dominic turned up and I think he thought Sharon had upset me for a moment. I saw the tenderness and helplessness in his eyes, when I told him about Joel. He knew how I felt. He was at a loss on how to make me feel better, but he insisted I still went ahead with my business plans.

"He may change his mind later after he has had a think."

"Let's do some retail therapy, for Antigua. I'm not taking no for an answer," Sharon said.

Shopping was not really my thing and I had just done loads with Nadine, but Sharon insisted.

* *

There was a white stretch limousine to take us from the airport to the hotel, when we landed in America. Of course; what else? Paul had also booked us into a top floor luxurious pent house apartment with an enormous spar bath and the biggest bed I had ever seen. It had a large terrace that looked over the city, which was twinkling like magic in the late afternoon dusk. There were flowers everywhere, their scent reminding me of the night in Malta and a note inviting us both to dinner downstairs at eight.

"This is all very.... nice," Dominic said, as he strolled round the apartment fingering the upholstery and sniffing the flowers.

"Mmm, he is quite a character is Paul."

Dominic turned and gazed at me with a frown; it made me feel enormously guilty, but I didn't know why. I hadn't known Dominic when I had had that night with Paul. I wondered if he was going to ask me for a moment about him and butterflies flew into my stomach. I knew I wouldn't lie. Moving towards him, I glided my arms about his neck, and kissed him on the mouth. "I love you."

He nodded.

"How about a bath?" I grinned and started to lift his jumper. He stood watching me silently; I reached up and kissed him again as I undid his shirt. I felt he knew, without me saying anything, about Paul. I felt uneasy, as there was definitely tension between us, and I wondered if he would act sulky or get nasty like Ben and I almost burst into tears. Slowly, after hesitating, he started to undress me, undoing the zip at the back of my jersey dress and as it dropped to the floor, our kisses grew wilder. When we slipped into the bath, I offered him the soap; he smirked, grabbed me, and rolled me over into the water. I started laughing, the tension gone between us as we rolled about like two crocodiles having a fight, greedily kissing each other in a frenzy of passion. When he entered me, gasping and unable to wait for him to thrust, I started jerking my hips on him. I heard him start moaning; my insides throbbed and went into spasms, and together we burst, both of us groaning with erotic, carnal pleasure.

When we sank exhausted into the water he slipped his arm around my shoulder and played with one of my nipples until he could breathe normally again. Then he started to wash me, with the soap in his palm, gently massaging my body, looking into my eyes. I soon started wiggling with desire; he glided his hand down and his slim fingers found my magic spot like radar. I got goose bumps everywhere, it brought me to the brink of an orgasm where it seemed to linger, and when I thought I couldn't bear the feeling any longer, I had the most incredible climax.

While I lay limp nestling in the bubbles, Dominic stepped out of the bath pulled a towel from the rail and gently collected me in it and carried me to the bed. Oh yes! He was going to dry and pat kiss me like he did in Paris, and he did, and I lay there letting him. When we had finished making love again, we cuddled up. He was so loving, caring about my pleasure even more than his own; after a while he brushed his mouth down to my breast and sucked it like a baby until we slept.

The ringing of the telephone woke us; it was the hotel receptionist wondering if we were going to dinner with Paul, as it was eight twenty. I said we would be down in a quarter of an hour as we were jet lagged and had just woken. Would she please apologise and pass the message to Paul?

We raced about pulling on our clothes. Dominic had on his dress suit and looked long, lean, attractive and _very_ sexy.

"Maybe we could have dinner here tonight just the two of us, you look so handsome."

He raised an eyebrow, his lips twitched and he replied, "You would only ravish me; you'll just have to wait."

I giggled and playfully hit him; he grabbed me, gathered me into him, and gave me one of those toe-curling kisses. "That will have to suffice for a while," and dodged my next swipe.

We had an entertaining evening; Paul was his unique self, and his wife adorable. She was little, dark and petite, which surprised me, like an exquisite doll, with a small 'bump' as Paul described and called his unborn child. Dominic and he laughed together and I saw that Dominic was far from oblivious to Paul's charm. Was there anyone on this planet who wasn't? Paul was also interested in Dominic's new programme, although he called it my new programme, which I thought might have annoyed Dominic, but it didn't.

Paul arranged for both of us to have a tour of his film studio and told Dominic he was welcome to use it for his album; he declined the offer. We were finishing the filming in January in Barbados, he said. Dominic had bought me a shoestring tee shirt, in a dark seaweed green that he thought would look good when it was wet and I walked out of the sea. I wasn't so sure, but I had agreed to do it and then when I saw the film I would give it my consideration. I had heard 'my song,' the words so loving I had welled up with emotion; Dominic had been overjoyed that I loved it so much. However, he still wanted me to sing and record a few songs in Paul's recording studio just for me to hear what I sounded like. The last couple of Fridays I had found the courage to sing with Dominic in the restaurant, but not yet by myself.

Paul had also made bookings for me to do interviews and ten odd book-signing events. It was going to be a busy ten days! I hadn't realised how heavy the schedule and quite how busy it was going to be. As it started with several local television interviews, we went to the recording studios and I recorded some songs. I was astonished at the sound of my voice. Well the voice that came out; maybe there was a secret singing ghost in the studio! Although Dominic insisted it sounded just like me. Therefore, we did a song together for the album and I sang one on my own too.

Next, we went touring; nothing like in England! We jetted all over the place, not knowing where we were for most of it, doing several signings in a day, and maybe a television interview; it was all an enormous success. I couldn't believe the queue of people that lined up, waiting for me to talk to them. Dominic stood around smiling and encouraging me or checked out the local shops etc while waiting, and would bring me back little presents each time. I did suggest he stay in the luxury hotel and go swimming in their pools, but he came with me every day. I felt quiet traumatized towards the end and Dominic and I would tumble into bed each night. I never had the strength to make love, and Dominic never moaned once, just massaged my aching shoulders and held me all night in his arms.

England seemed a poor substitute after that in regards to the actual glitz and promotional events, but I had still had queues of people, and it was not so tiring. Mum, Mel and Keith liked Dominic and the kids adored him. He helped the children with their piano playing, he bought them a microphone and recording equipment, and they all wrote songs together and formed a 'new band.'

Mum said the evening before we left, that it would be nice to see him at Chloe's wedding. I had to explain that Dominic was not coming, although I had invited him. It was too busy in the restaurant and he didn't think it was fair on Nadine to be away from her at Christmas. However, Dominic invited Mum to come with me to Barbados after Chloe's wedding, for the month as Mum was supposed to be 'wintering' in France and she would have been on her own.

When we got home to France Dominic insisted, _and_ stood over me, while I phoned Chloe. It had a touch of my mum's interference to it. However, I'm glad I did. She said sorry and thanked me for the money and her wedding present of a house.

"Oliver said we should keep the house as it's a good investment and continue to rent it out as we don't need the money. We have no mortgage after he sold his house in London and he gets a fantastic wage. I can have all the rental money in the meantime; he's not interested in it."

I knew I liked Oliver.

"You can have another house when you're thirty." I didn't mention the 'rabbit hutch.' I had planned to give her that when she was thirty too, because I thought I was going to be giving Joel a business, but now I wasn't sure.

The rest of December flew by. Dominic took me to a Christmas concert in a town down the coast; we stopped the night in a sweet, very French hotel, and the next morning we explored the old town, where Dominic bought me a scarf with sparkling sequins, to match my muddy brown eyes, he said. I had a lunch party the Sunday before I left for Antigua with Sharon, Samuel, Nadine, Grams, and Dominic and we exchanged Christmas gifts. Dominic stayed the night; it was the first time in my house, as he wanted to see his present on me, a beautiful fresh water pearl choker necklace.

When I put it on for him to admire a mischievous glint came into his eyes and he said, "That's not how I imagined you wearing it when I bought it."

Mystified, I said, "Well how else am I supposed to wear it if not round my neck?"

"Oh it's beautiful round your neck alright; you have just too many clothes on. It would be lovelier if you had nothing except the necklace on."

Hmm; giggling, I slowly undid the zip of my dress and threw it at him, and then I threw my underwear at him until I had on just the necklace, bashfully standing naked.

"That's more like how I imagined you wearing it," he smirked; his eyes full of craving as he tore off his shirt and trousers and drew me into his arms, his body warm and his erection hard against my belly. He kissed me on my mouth, a slow, lingering kiss. He gorged on my mouth and me his, as if we were eating each other; our hands caressing each other's buttocks. He feathered his kisses down my body, intoxicating my senses and I stood with my eyes closed with sensations rippling over me and soft, pulsating crests, flowing round the front of my vagina. Goosebumps entered my clitoris as his tongue did and then my legs went weak with the agony and ecstasy he produced. He scooped me up, deposited me on the edge of the bed, and entered me. Lying on my back, with my knees bent and my feet resting on the beds rim each side of his hips, he stood above me thrusting, slow, and deliberate in that easy, tantalizing way of his. He stretched out his hand and one of his magic fingers traced, very lightly, the line of my lips then the side of my neck and round each nipple. His touch was so delicate it sent penetrating shivers over the top of my goose bumps and I gave a cry as I had an orgasm. Slowly, he continued moving inside me, his hands gently massaging my belly. I was so wet he was nearly sliding out of me with each thrust, but he seemed controlled, unlike me; my back was aching and twisting with the intensity in me and little moaning sounds were escaping my lips. Suddenly his need overruled him, he began moving faster with vibrating shudders going up his body which filtered into me as our rhythm got lost and we climaxed together and he sank to his knees.

"I shall have to wear my necklace more often," I said, eventually, as we cuddled up.

"Not too often; you'll kill me!"

"That'll teach you to buy me such a beautiful gift."

"Mmm, won't it? I think I will buy you a sack next time," he gazed into my eyes, and we rolled up, giggling.

# CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

### Antigua, the island of romance

I arrived in Antigua a couple of days after Chloe. She came bouncing up to me and seemed glad to see me; she looked radiant, with her beautiful cornflower eyes sparkling as she hugged me.

"My, you look absolute happiness itself; you must be in love to have that glow about you."

She chortled. "Oh, you're biased; and you don't look too bad yourself."

Yes, well I was in love too.

Mum, Mel and family were due the following day and Ben, Lucy, Chrissie and Andy with Karen and Rachel, were coming the day after that on the last flight. We had no idea when Joel was coming. Therefore, I had the day with Chloe and Oliver's family, which I had been nervous about, as I didn't know what to expect. However, Oliver senior, Ester his wife and Fiona, Oliver's sister, were polite and pleasant and luckily, due to the shopaholic day which Sharon had insisted on, and under her guidance, I was able to match their 'attire' and not show my daughter up!

I also saw how my daughter loved Oliver; it shone out of her when she looked at him and he was besotted with her. Over dinner that evening, Oliver's parents said they were fans of mine and had bought my books with them for me to sign, if I wouldn't mind. You should have seen Chloe's amazed stare.

I was still relieved when my family turned up, especially the kids; they broke the ice between our families as only kids can do - in five minutes. We had a great time swimming and snorkelling with Oliver and his father and the following day Oliver senior hired a sailing boat and, just as we were about to board, Joel turned up and it was a truly happy, hang loose day.

When we arrived back at the hotel, Ben and Lucy with Arran had arrived; Arran was remarkably like my two kids when they were small. They were cooling off by the pool. Apparently, somewhere around, so were Chrissie and Andy and, after I had said polite hello's, I made an excuse to go and find them.

Later, having just stepped out of the bath, there was a knock on the door. It was Joel, looking elegant in a light blue suit that enhanced his deep blue eyes. The sun had bleached his hair and again I thought how handsome my son was.

"I thought we might do some catching up before we see the others," he said.

My stomach twisted, but I said casually, "You look very well; obviously Australia is agreeing with you."

Grinning, he said, "You're dripping." I made a face at him, went into the bathroom, swapped my towel for a bathrobe, and wrapped the towel round my head. It was the last thing I wanted to do with my hair, it would go twice as curly.

"You like Australia then?" I said, coming from the bathroom.

"Yes, it's a laid back life style, and I'm having an awesome time; but before you get in a twirl, I'm not going to live there. I thought I might take you up on your offer. Give your business a try."

I burst into tears and he put his strong arms about me, comforting me like a child. "I take it it's still on offer then?" he laughed. "But not until the middle of February, if that's OK."

So soon; but it fitted my schedule perfectly.

That evening I was on top of the world; not even Ben, who looked well now, although he was still putting on weight, could upset me tonight. It was a bit like a fashion parade, I thought, that evening; all glitz, and glamour. I wore my Malta dress. I had chosen it; it gave me confidence and I felt it was me. I had bought it to look like a millionaire, and to wow one and it had; now it was to wow everyone here, or at least be part of the competition. I wore it with my pearl earrings, and Dominic's pearl necklace. He had given me strict instructions about wearing them - keep your clothes on! I even got praise on my appearance from Chloe, so I must have appeared in the right dress!

Chloe looked glamorous in a deep mauve dress and her long blonde hair shining. The dress was low and slinky showing her lovely, curvy, slim figure. I felt very proud of my children; no one could hold a candle to their good looks, mostly due to their father's handsome features I have to admit. I glanced over at Ben; his eyes were dancing and he was laughing. He was handsome, especially when he was being charming, and he was doing just that; using every inch of his very charming self at the moment, with Fiona; that would be right, she was just twenty-three. Her body language was suggesting otherwise though so he was wasting his time. She was more interested in his son. Joel was in definite contention and I was not sure Ben liked it. Lucy was sitting on the other side of Ben... in a black dress, but it did suit her fair looks.

The next morning was Christmas day and, before the day began, I decided I would go for a swim in the sea. It was warm and enticing and I wondered what Dominic was doing. I hadn't spoken to him since Joel had told me his fabulous news and I was glad he had made me carry on with the building and therefore the publishing company. We had planned for me to ring him later. I floated and dived under the azure water enjoying the ripples and the engulfing wildness it brought to me. After a while, I strode out, kicking the tiny waves so the water splashed up my legs and ambled up the beach.

"You loved that didn't you?" An American twang sang out. "You're like a magic mermaid, especially in that bikini."

I turned, staring down at the American sitting by himself on the sand, gazing unashamedly and lustily up at me. He's attractive! A magic mermaid! Well, my bikini was rainbow stripes and skimpy. Chuckling I said, "But I haven't got a tail."

"Does that mean you're not magic and can't turn me into a merman to live with you forever under the sea?"

"You're either a writer or a film producer."

"Guilty, but which one?" he asked, a smile playing round his lips. He had a disarming smile.

I thought for a moment, pondering; he was good looking, dark with a good haircut; he had an air of smartness about him, more than a dishevelled quietness of a writer. "Film."

He laughed. "I knew you were magic." He patted the golden sand next to him and I sank down into it. "You on holiday?" he asked.

"Sort of; it's my daughter's wedding tomorrow."

"You have a daughter old enough to marry...! And I expect she's another beauty like her mother. I should be that lucky?" He sighed and lent towards me, put his tanned arm about my shoulders and bent his dark head close to me, hungrily staring at my lips and said, "I suppose there is a man?"

I nodded and he dropped his arm. "Pity! I shall just have to gaze and dream then, if you're off limits. In the meantime, would you like breakfast?"

Smiling, I agreed and taking my hand, we strolled together up the rest of the beach. I picked up my shirt and slipped it over my head and he sighed as my body was consumed in turquoise silk. I giggled and held out my hand, "I'm Francine Martin."

"Oh how do you do, Francine, I'm Scott Bandino," and he bowed low swishing his arm across his body, took my hand and kissed it. I felt a shiver go down my spine, he was so handsome, and knew it! Mmm, I could fancy him, if I was not so in love with Dominic. He reminded me of Paul: tanned with beautiful teeth and a confident air. Holding my hand, we walked into the restaurant like a couple, chatting.

Suddenly Ben appeared and asked, "and you are?" to Scott, as if he owned me!

My lips went tight.

"Scott Bandino," he answered unperturbed and still holding my hand.

Ben grunted, "Ben Martin."

"Oh sorry," he dropped my hand.

"My _ex_ -husband," I said and he caught hold of my hand again and we went and sat down at a table just for two. I was suddenly enjoying this. I ignored Ben's glares as he sat nearby, and Scott and I, with lots of laughter, chat, _and_ flirting, got acquainted. I explained about Ben and he told me about his ex; he was here on holiday with his three teenage children from his previous marriage. He was escaping them, having five minutes to himself, like me. He was in films, produced epics, he said, grinning mischievously, which probably meant anything. Yes, he was like Paul.

I told him about Dominic, my filming for the video and my programmes, mentioning Paul. Oh, he knew him!

"My films and movies are better than his attempts," he said, with not a touch of conceit. Oh, the modesty of these rich Americans.

When we had finished our breakfast Scott said, "Well, if you can escape tonight I'll meet you on the beach for a midnight swim," he winked. "Meanwhile on with Christmas and don't leave the hotel without me having your phone number."

I giggled; he was so amusing. Later in the evening, I met Scott again with his children on the terrace. There was singing and dancing; he and I had several, sexy, flirtatious dances. I also danced with Ben, who asked me what I thought I was doing acting in such a way with a stranger.

"Having fun!"

At a quarter to twelve, I went upstairs and wriggled into my swimsuit, and put a tee shirt on over it as if it were a suit of armour. I didn't want him having ideas and I was not going skinny dipping either. When I came out of my room, Chloe was there.

"Where you sneaking off too?" she said, as if she was my mother.

"I've been invited for a swim."

Then Joel turned up; what was this sabotage?

"Can I come?" Joel asked when Chloe told him.

"If you have to."

"And me." Chloe said.

"You, too. What about your hair?" I asked.

"Oh, screw my hair," she giggled, to my astonishment.

We had such a laugh once Scott got over the shock of my two children chaperoning me. Scott started swimming, trying to scare me, like an alien shadowy being in the moonlight, and then he tried Chloe, trying to frighten her in the dark. It started us all ducking and diving trying to catch and frighten each other. I became convulsed in laughter at one point as I was chased by Joel and managed to evade him, before I pounced on him and pushed him under. When we all dropped onto the warm sand exhausted, I realised I had not had that amount of horseplay with my kids since before they went to uni.

The next day was Chloe and Oliver's wedding day and as they were not supposed to see each other until the ceremony in the evening, the men went deep-sea fishing and us girls spent the day in the spa, pampering ourselves. I had arranged to meet Chrissie early in the Jacuzzi because we had had little time to chat properly. She was wonderfully happy with Andy and it showed.

"I wish I'd married him earlier; all those wasted years! I regret not doing so and maybe a chance of having his baby."

"He thinks of Karen as his own, I'm sure."

"Yes, he said he couldn't think more of any child. Still.... It would have been nice to have one together. Are you going to marry Dominic?"

Astounded I said, "I'm never going to marry again, and he knows that. I've only known him four months, anyhow."

"But you love him, don't you? And he is nice, not like Ben you know."

She had only met him once last month over dinner; how did she know that? "Yes I do love him like I never loved Ben. I never knew love could be as good as this and I know he's not like Ben. However, I like my independence and having time to myself, and I definitely don't want another child. Besides I'm too old; I'll be forty two in a couple of months."

"You're frightened to get married again."

"Maybe, but I relish my freedom."

"Just don't leave it years like me and regret the time gone."

Then the girls turned up giggling; all except Lucy; she had to look after Aaron, and she was not happy apparently. I was though. I didn't fancy making polite conversation and pretending to her. Now I could really enjoy the day.

That evening I helped Chloe get herself ready, at her request. I had to admit her dress was stunning and she was dazzling in it. Chrissie had done our hair. Chloe had her hair up on top of her head, in curls, with flowers caught in the curls. Ben, when he saw her, was actually speechless and even Joel said

"My Chloe, you look absolutely beautiful."

Not bad for a brother!

For a moment, the four of us were like a family, Ben with his arm round my shoulders, and I leaned my head against his shoulder as we gazed with pride at our daughter. I saw pleasure cross Chloe's face at her father and I seemingly close. However she had no idea how he had ripped my heart apart and I prayed that Oliver would never do that to her and they had a fairy-tale marriage. Suddenly I became aware I was still in my bathrobe so I left Ben with Chloe and I rushed into my room and slipped on my dress. Joel sat on the balcony waiting to escort me downstairs to await Chloe. When he saw me, he whistled.

"Wow, you look as beautiful as Chloe; and to think you're my mum too."

"You don't think that I'm too old and shouldn't be dressed like this?"

He shook his head, chuckling, "Mum, I know I shouldn't say this, but you splitting with Dad is about the best thing you ever did for _you_. You seem to have grown younger and more like my sister than my mother; you've never looked so great or happy. You radiate and tonight I am very honoured to be your son." And he linked his arm in mine.

"Don't say anymore, you'll have me in tears and ruin my make up."

The ceremony was so beautiful; I felt God's presence, unless it was my Dad here with us all on the beach, and when Chloe whispered, "I do," tears tumbled down my face. I remembered how I had meant the words and had given my heart to her father on my wedding day. I prayed that Oliver would be a good husband to my daughter and treat her lovingly always.

Later that evening when Ben and I danced, I felt for a moment that we had gone back in time; I even saw desire in his eyes. He glided his warm hand over the curve of my bottom and because he received no objections, smiled and moved closer to me. His body felt firm but I couldn't feel if he had stiffened; I'm not sure I ever could. This time maybe it was because his stomach had grown too round; not like Dominic's flat stomach; I would have been in no doubt over his arousal. It made a change for me to asses Ben to Dominic instead of judging Dominic against Ben. Ben put his cheek to mine; he smelt familiar, of the after-shave he used; I drifted back to us dancing together at other celebrations before Lucy. Had I ever felt sexy then? Mmm, I had desired him once; a long time ago and occasionally when I was not too tired, until we got into bed. Then he would grope my breasts, climb on top of me and desires seem to drain out of me. A yearning swirled deep in the pit of my stomach for Dominic. I glanced over Ben's shoulder and caught my mother's eye. She gave me a stare as if asking me what I was doing. I winked and she rolled her eyes and grinned.

Ben was being very attentive and so extremely charming, certainly at his best towards me. I saw Lucy glare at us several times and she had something to say that Ben didn't like when he returned to her after our first dance. I felt smug; after all she had done it to me, now see how she liked it. Ben insisted on several more dances and inwardly I was enjoying the game of flirting; so did Oliver senior! Gosh, flirting; it was more than entertaining; and all due to Dominic's love; he gave me confidence about myself.... _and_ this wicked dress! I'm glad Nadine encouraged me to buy it. I vowed to wear it for Dominic; we would have a ball, in more ways than one.

I was relaxing, sunbathing in the hot sun round the pool the next day, when Aaron started whining. The twins adored him but now had left him to go and play in the water park and he was too little to go too. Joel had been playing with him for a while, but now he and Fiona had gone for a stroll. Ben and Lucy were sunbathing next to me; they had been all morning. Not once did either one of them attempt to amuse him.

Abruptly Lucy shot up from her sun-bed and screamed at him, "For goodness sake Aaron, stop moaning! Ben, you do something!"

"Like what?"

Aaron shuffled over to his mother and tried to climb on her lap, still snivelling. "My god child, you are such a miserable little brat. Ben, it's your turn; I had him all day yesterday while you were fishing and enjoying yourself."

I felt my blood boil. Such neglect and abuse; poor little mite. I understood why Joel had had to leave Ben's.

Ben didn't move, or open his eyes.

"He's not a miserable brat; he is bored and needs attention...just like you. Come Aaron, let's go and play with the sand on the beach." I took hold of his tiny, podgy hand and he gazed up at me with large fat tears running over his cheeks and big blue eyes that looked like Joel when he was his age. I gathered up my camera bag and we wandered down towards the beach. Lucy's eyes narrowed but she said nothing and if looks could kill, she would have been dead from my glare. Ben didn't even turn or look up; just as well, because if he had he would have been sizzled where he lay.

Halfway down the slope to the beach, Aaron was having trouble walking. His nappy was so heavy with water from being in the pool earlier it was hanging round his knees. No wonder he was moaning! I tugged it off and laughing, letting go of my hand, he toddled along naked. When we arrived at the beach, I slung my camera bag on the sand and together we slipped into the sea. He sat between my two legs, giggling at the waves as they gushed, rippling towards us. Then we made some sand castles. He was so cute; all squashy and scrummy. I pretended to eat his tummy and he wriggled about, his whole body shaking with laughter. It was shatteringly hot and after a while, I became bothered about him getting sunburnt; just then Joel and Fiona came sauntering along.

"Could you go and ask Lucy, or your father, for Aaron's sun cream, his hat and a drink please?"

When they both came back, I applied the cream all over Aaron. He was so good; most children protest.

"Dad's gone to get his drink."

Joel and Fiona collapsed on the sea's edge. I dropped in beside them; lying on my stomach with Aaron naked, astride my back, and the cooling waves sweeping over me and Aaron laughing, trying to catch them as they cascaded off my back and disappeared into the sea. He didn't need much to keep him happy.

A shadow loomed over us; it was Ben; he bent down and gave Aaron his drink then sat as close as he could to me in the water, gazing openly at my breasts half falling out of my bikini top. I pretended I hadn't noticed, because it was too hot to move. Fiona and Joel waded into the sea and swam for a while; Ben sat watching me talking with his son. Then another shadow appeared blocking out the sun; it was Scott this time.

"I've been looking for you. Oh, you take my breath away!" He gave me a rueful grin, nodding a hallo to Ben. Ben's lips pursed.

"Is that camera any good?" Scott waved his arm in the direction of my camera case on the sand.

"One of the best, why?"

He grabbed my bag, opening it, and removed the camera. "Because you look earthy, part of the sea and so beautifully natural; a real earth mother. I'm not a film director for nothing and this will look great on your music video. You see? Just like Dominic suggested."

I sighed; he was determined to video my film. I wished I had never told him about the record album.

Filming me from different angles, he continued, "When you show this to Dominic he will ring me tout de suite and I shall join you in Barbados and take more amazing shots of you all."

Aaron was now rubbing his eyes with his tiny fists and I rolled over and sat up with my legs crossed holding him in the cradle of my lap. Within seconds, he was asleep. Joel came back dripping and sat in the ripples next to me, after saying goodbye to Fiona, who had decided to make her way to the cool of the hotel. Scott whizzed the camera into action filming me again with Aaron asleep.

"What's this?" Joel asked, as the camera whirled and my mobile rang in my empty camera case.

"Get that please," I asked Ben and he lent across the sand and gave me the mobile, with grim features. Oh, he was annoyed and in a sulk. Scott did seem to take over.

"Oh hi,"

"Hi sugar. I love you."

I laughed, Dominic told me this daily now.

"Tell him about the film I'm shooting for him."

Mmm, not sure it was for Dominic.

"Who's that, what film?"

"I've met someone in the same business as Paul. I told him about your music video; he's taking some film now. He says I look earthy and you will love it."

"Will I? Have you got your clothes on?"

I stifled a chuckle, "Of course, well my bikini actually, and I'm cuddling Aaron."

"What, Ben's baby? What are.....?"

"Here, let me speak to him," Scott said, grabbing my mobile.

"I agree that Francine would look terrific as an earth mother and I have some wonderful shots of her - you could put one of them on the album's cover."

Dominic must have answered him; I hoped he wasn't cross. I was irritated by Scott's bossiness.

Joel asked, "What music video? Are you filming one?"

"Sort of.... I've also recorded a few songs and they're going onto a jazz album that I'm filming...well supposed to be, you know, a film to go with each song."

"Awesome _, you're_ actually singing."

I nodded.

"Look I'll take some more and send you them, now. Francine," Scott called and I looked up at him and he took several photos on my mobile of me. Showed them to me quickly and sent them on to Dominic. The glimpse I got was of my hair seemingly on fire!

Ben growled, "What are you talking about, singing on a music video? You don't do singing; you can't sing."

"Yes I do sing and can. I sing in a restaurant with a fantastic jazz group."

"Here," Scott gave me my mobile, "he wants to talk to you again."

"Francine I can see why he is filming you, you look beautiful, but can you tell me what he means and is that Ben sitting next to you? I'm feeling rather..."

"It's a bit of a story; shall I ring you in a minute from my room?" I turned to Ben, turning off my mobile. "Will you take Aaron and will you all excuse me."

Joel gazed at me, "Will you explain later?"

I nodded; Dominic first though.

In the early evening just as we were all together having a pre-dinner drink, Scott came over to say goodbye.

"Well I shall phone Dominic in Barbados, probably next week. I understand you haven't signed a contract with anyone yet. I shall give you the best deal and make you a fortune with your album. So, lovely," and he pulled me by the hand out of my chair, drew me to him, kissing me fully on the mouth with a long lazy kiss. No toe curling.

Ben got up off his chair just as Scott released me. "I think you are taking liberties," he said his eyes dappling all shades of blue.

I was so astonished at Ben's interference I was speechless.

Scott roared with laughter, and winked at me. I realised he had done that especially for Ben's benefit to antagonize him. Well it worked.

"I'll see you soon then," I said, moving in close to him, and kissed him in the French way, which gave him the chuckles.

I gazed at my audience as Scott walked away; most were smirking, except Ben and Lucy.

The following morning Mel, Keith, and the kids went home and the next morning I left with Mum for Barbados and Joel headed for Australia. Chloe promised to ring me from now on every week. She, Oliver, and the others were all staying another week.

# CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

### A new family

Dominic was not at Barbados airport to meet us. I tried phoning his mobile, my heart beating in my throat when there was no answer. I knew he had been annoyed about Scott, but I thought he had got over it. Then other concerns came floating into my brain; maybe another accident. I tried not to show my fear to Mum.

"Well, I don't know what's happened. Let's get a taxi; I have the address."

The villa was impressive, larger than I had imagined, like a hotel. It was brilliant white, like salt, with a drive of about half a mile of beautifully laid out gardens full of bright flowers, tall swaying palms and green lawns that lead up to the entrance door and seemed to nestle in the aqua sea behind it. I asked the taxi driver to wait and knocked on the giant wooden door. A big, heavy bosomed woman opened it; she looked like she had stepped out of a Caribbean storybook and was dressed colourfully like she was about to go to a carnival. She looked amazed when she saw me.

"Aren't you Francine?" she asked in a singsong voice and when I said I was she hugged me so tightly I thought I might choke. "I thought you weren't due until tomorrow; Dominic isn't arriving until late tonight. Come in, come in. I'm Dominic's Auntie Lucinda, but everyone calls me Lulu. "

Somehow, we had our dates muddled, although we had only had a quick call yesterday I had said I would see him tomorrow, meaning today. However Lulu was more than hospitable; she showed us our rooms; I was sharing mine with Dominic; and she brought us up an ice cold drink as we unpacked.

My room was enormous, with heavy graceful dark furniture, lace curtains and a matching elaborate white lace bedspread, pale lavender walls, vivid pink cushions, and fresh flowers. It had large glass doors that led onto the balcony, the lace curtains bellowing in the breeze. I stepped through them and gazed out over the sea. The view was breath-taking. I stepped back into the cool room; it was a bit girlie for Dominic's room and I couldn't help wondering if he had had it for some other woman; on the other hand maybe it was Nadine's. I know it was not for Catherine; the villa had only been built seven years ago. Then Lulu said she had had detailed instructions to have the room repainted and to buy new bedroom things especially for me. I felt tears prick my eyes and the ache I had had to be with him all week racked my body.

Antigua had had love floating in the wind. So many people were paired up. The whole island seemed to be in love and made everyone come over romantic, twice as much on the day of Chloe's wedding; except perhaps Ben and Lucy and although I flirted, I had longed for Dominic to be with me.

Mum's room was just as attractive, in pale primrose, with a dark yellow lace bedspread. After we had unpacked, Lulu made us a tasty, spicy lunch and later when our big lunch had eventually settled down in our toes, Mum and I strolled to the sea and swam. After tea on the veranda, we assured Lulu we would be alright on our own so she went home. Her house was the one Grams had had an accident in; it was a couple of miles away and she shared it with a hoard of other relatives. We promised to visit, and thanked her for her hard work and welcome. She gave Mum and me one of her strangle-holds before she departed.

I decided to wait up for Dominic; Mum was tired, so she went off to bed. He was due about one in the morning and I thought I would be a surprise for him. I would have liked to greet him with just my pearl choker, but he would be with Nadine and Grams and probably tired after his long flight. So instead, I prepared some wine and tea (for Grams) on a table in the sitting room. It was nearly twelve when I felt a little drowsy, so I curled up my feet on the soft settee. I must have drifted into sleep, because suddenly there was Dominic, smiling with pleasure at me, and kissing my lips.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. Nadine and Grams stood behind him beaming.

"Mum and I arrived just before lunch; somehow we got muddled about the date."

Nobody wanted any drinks; they just wanted to collapse and go to bed. So did Dominic, but not for sleep! He held me in his arms, kissing me tenderly, telling me how much he had missed me and how much he loved me. He kissed my mouth, my eyelids, and caressed my body, which lit my fuse and passion took us over; we ate at each other's mouth and he skated his hands over my breasts and abdomen in frenzy and I swept my hands across his buttocks, and after only minutes of wild intercourse, breathing heavily, we climaxed together. I lay with my head on his chest clamped to his side; we didn't want to be even an inch away from each other and we fell into a satisfied, happy sleep.

Early next morning before anyone was awake, we crept down to the beach, where we swam naked until Dominic caught me, rolling, kissing me in the waves. We fooled around until we landed in the shallow surf. I lay there gazing at him as he looked at me, then slowly he turned, traced my lips with his long fingers, then grazed my mouth with his lips, my stomach, my breasts, then kissed the side of my neck and my ear. I shivered with a deluge of prickles between my legs. He gave me several of those kisses where I could not think, grinning after each one as I wiggled, squirming with tingles running over me along with the surf, fire burning in my belly. Unable to wait I mounted him, my longing for him uncontrollable. He looked up into my eyes; his were dark and intense as under me, he moved, and we rose and fell together, with the rhythm of the waves. Then my legs went stiff, my toes stretched and my insides throbbed with excruciating torture as the build-up of the cumulating fervour made me gasp and hold my breath. Dominic's eyes held amusement, but then excitement took him over.

"Sorry," he gasped, "I can't wait any longer," and he completely lost it, shuddering as he thrust into me, exquisite carnal welcome peaked and I came with a whoosh, and screamed, and he gurgled, a low gravelling moan.

I sat naked between his long legs, my back to his bare chest as he nuzzled the nape of my neck. We chatted, me telling him how wonderful Chloe's wedding was, promising to show him later the film I had taken. Then we talked about Scott and his offer. I had lots of footage Scott had taken with my camera with instructions for Dominic to see it.

I said, "Why don't you look at it and decide before Scott phones."

"I and definitely Michael are not keen on touring and doing promotions and things. Therefore, I can't see the point of him coming here with a deal. As far as we are concerned, people buy our music because they like it and I'm quite sure you will do us a brilliant video. You seem to be very pally with him."

I laughed, "He is so like Paul in his attitude; you can't help being pally and he didn't like Ben either; he found it particularly funny to annoy him."

"Why was that, because of you?"

"Sort of, but I told him how I loved you," I said quickly. "Ben had annoyed him from the start. He was trying to be possessive and he saw I didn't like it. I think he liked to bug him after that. When he said goodbye he kissed me fully on the lips just to upset Ben, which it did. That is the _only_ time he kissed me, I might add."

"Hmmm, and you and Ben?"

"Oh, he was his usual obnoxious self; like I said, acting as though I was still his."

A fleeting look of annoyance crossed Dominic's face; I wasn't sure why.

* *

The following month I slept, ate, swam, went horse riding, and really got to know Dominic and my 'new' family, as Mum called Nadine and Grams. Dominic and I did everything together; we worked on his music video and Scott was invited, after Dominic had looked at his videoing; he had to admit he took excellent film. Therefore, Scott took some more great film of me wading out of the sea, with Dominic supervising and later of Dominic and me swimming and horse riding in the surf of the sea, and then me miming the song I sang by myself. He was superb at filming; he gave me lots of tuition and advice and Dominic couldn't help but like him. One day they even went deep-sea fishing together.

Then Sharon and Samuel turned up for a couple of days. You can imagine the banter and flirting between Sharon and Scott; it was hilarious. When Scott said goodbye he gave me his long kiss on the mouth, but Dominic just stood and grinned. After Scott, Sharon and Samuel went it was time to start work on Dominic's pirate programme, with me filming him underwater in the beautiful crystal ocean. We discussed how we thought a certain thing should go, shared our ideas, and always compromised on our differences. It was new and wonderful for me; I enjoyed working with him, knowing I could be myself, and fell even deeper in love with him.

Then I had a couple of days with bad menstrual cramps and my breasts were so tender I didn't want them touched. Dominic was so considerate and would just hold me at night and gently kiss me, like I was precious porcelain, until we fell asleep, never persuading or wanting anything more. He even bought me chocolate ice cream to make me feel better and Lulu and Sara concocted me a special drink, to cure my cramps, which was horrible to taste, but did the trick.

I hardly saw Mum anymore, she and Grams got on so well and would toddle of somewhere to join Lulu and Sara or go shopping. The day Dominic and Scott went fishing Nadine and I went to one of the local markets. We stopped at one of the stalls that had henna tattoos, as I was intrigued.

Nadine started to laugh and said, "Did you know Papa can do tattoos?"

"What henna tattoos?"

"Oh no, proper ones, that last forever. He has a small 'tattoo parlour,'" she smirked. "Well that's what I call it. He does it all properly, hygienically and everything. It was Grandpapa's really and he showed him how to do it. Papa did Uncle Michael's bracelet, the one that he has round the top of his arm and he did one to match for Pierre at Christmas. When Papa did Pierre's he was not happy that you seemed to have so many 'admirers' in Antigua and he was so far away from you. He said he would like to stamp you with his name so they knew you were his. I said what, like a slave? He replied that he would never treat you like a slave; that was Ben. I came back with if he thought you were his, why did he have to stamp it on you. He really wasn't happy at not being with you and missed you, all Christmas."

I chuckled, "I missed him too, but he wanted to stay with you for Christmas. And I don't want to take him away from you."

"Oh please, I would _love_ you to take him 'away' from me. I don't suppose you want him to move in with you by any chance?"

I made a face and she shrugged.

"Oh well...I'm glad he has found you. He is blissfully happy when you are together. In the past, I had nightmares about him living with me forever and I would never have a man, let alone a husband. Having you in his life will give me some freedom."

I grinned, my eyes narrowing, pretending I was cross. "Oh I see - I'm just a convenience for you"

"Well I warned you when we met I had trouble cutting the apron strings with him," she giggled. "He gets worried when you are away from him, because he thinks you have not known many men and you will find someone better than him and fall in love with them."

"I'm too in love with him to want anyone else. Maybe I should let him 'stamp me,' for his birthday or something after all."

Nadine's eyes twinkled with amusement. "That would be a present and a half, might set his mind at rest; but his birthday is not until late August; can't you make it sooner?"

"I'll see what I can do," and we cracked up with laughter.

Another day Nadine and I were on the veranda trying to design a tee shirt for Dominic's jazz band. We had been at it for a while when I had sketched a picture of her Dad and Michael, playing a saxophone and piano.

"There is _no way_ I'm having Papa plastered across my chest. I'm trying my best to detach myself from him."

That started us both giggling and Dominic, who had been lying on a sun-bed close by, looked up and raised his eyebrows at us, which made us titter more. He gazed at us, puzzled, and we erupted into tearful laughter. I loved Nadine because she was such a wonderful carefree person and part of Dominic and the next best thing to a daughter. My mum was right; they were my 'new' family.

Later in bed that night, Dominic said he was very happy that I got on so well with Nadine. When I replied I loved her because she was part of him, his eyes welled up with emotion. He gathered me into his arms, and we made love together tenderly.

# CHAPTER TWENTY -SIX

### Love at first sight

When we arrived back in France, it seemed extremely cold in contrast to the warmth of Barbados. Mum was awestruck with my house and the views and delighted with her place _and_ the heating!

"You can change anything, just let me know and I'll get the builders back."

She settled in quickly and became active with a group she had joined that Grams told her about and Nadine had introduced her to; Grams was still in Barbados until April. The group went to concerts, museums, had city visits, and went out to dinner together. I got confused just trying to keep up with what she was doing. I bought a lovely silver convertible car and Mum learnt to drive 'on the wrong side of the road,' with it and used it nearly every day; so I was back to walking or ordering taxis!

I was too busy to find another car, sorting out the market that was bringing me loads more money. The gardens and park were beginning to take shape and the whole enterprise was a bigger success than I could ever had dreamt. I ran the market from my consulting and publishing offices and that was off the ground. The building finished, and the first week back I got the digital printing machines in. I had several orders, through Dominic and Nadine's contacts, to print posters and new menus for various restaurants, to print local attraction brochures with advertisements and leaflets for local hotels and accommodation. Some needed to be designed and were waiting for Joel's input. I had received a few manuscripts from people and was trying to decide which one to publish, if any. Then there were my storybooks also waiting for Joel to illustrate. I hadn't said anything more to him since Chloe's wedding on the phone when we had spoken. I just had my fingers crossed that he wouldn't change his mind.

I missed Dominic terribly at night and I know he did me. I wondered if I might have even asked him to move in, if Joel had not been coming, although I worried about my freedom and independence if he did. Anyhow, I didn't want Joel to feel pushed out or an outsider. I wanted him to immediately feel this was his home and want to stay. However, my company's building (that sounds good!) was only behind Dominic's house and restaurant and so for most of the days we saw each other and he stayed the occasional night.

The day I went to pick Joel up from the airport, I had such curdling in my stomach I couldn't eat breakfast. I _so_ wanted him to love living here as much as me and if he didn't, how I would bare it? The moment he saw me his face lit up and we ran and held each other for a good minute. Tears, of course, were flowing from me and I'm sure his eyes were glassy too. He looked bronzed; his hair, normally light brown, was nearly as blond as his father's and he had grown broader and taller, although he said that was my imagination. He chatted about Australia on the short journey home and, when he saw my house, he sat amazed in the car, unable to get out.

Laughing at him I said, "You think it is OK then?" He nodded, dumbstruck." Wait until you see the back of the house with my own private beach and jetty, and the inside, and the pool."

Suddenly, Mum came racing out of the front door, just as Joel stepped out of the car, and hugged him to death nearly. She knew how much his being here meant to me. I had prepared the best, sunniest bedroom, after mine, for him. While Mum showed him his room, I prepared the lunch on a table beside the pool, which I had set up earlier. It was the second week in February, so was not very warm, but the sun was out, streaming through the glass roof, making it feel like a touch of summer. As soon as he had his lunch, he went to bed and we didn't see him again until the next morning. However, I didn't care; he was here, at last.

We lazed about the following day, swam in the pool and he strolled around the 'estate,' as he called it and I cooked him his favourite dinner, a roast. On the Sunday, he seemed to have recovered and he was itching to see the 'company.'

"But it's Sunday," I declared, "it's shut."

"If it is sort of my business can't I go in anytime, as the boss?" he said with a rueful grin.

I jiggled with excitement at his eagerness.

"Oh Mum, you're like a school kid."

"Mmm, well I don't cook Sundays so I have arranged for us to go to a friend's restaurant, with Sharon and Samuel too."

"Would this be your friend Dominic the kids and Nan told me about?" Joel said, glancing at Mum, who suddenly looked sheepish.

"When did she tell you?"

"When we were in Antigua; Nan said it was why you were so happy and the kids said he was cool and they were in a band with him."

And he still came! Mum winked at me. Maybe he doesn't think it serious enough to worry about. "Well the office is behind the restaurant so we can still go and do both...but only if you want to."

"Cook good food does he?" he grinned mischievously.

Joel and I stood standing for a moment before the now very prestigious building that the warehouse had become, with the glass front shimmering like a mirage in a desert, and Mum went off to the restaurant. He dribbled when he first saw it and when we went inside and I showed him the orders 'awaiting his command.'

I had interviewed, last December, a second cousin to Nadine, Ricard, who was twenty-five, married in September, and had to travel with his previous job. Since his marriage, he wanted to have a job where he could be at home. He was top class with printing and all the knowledge needed for the machines and how to run them, and had many local contacts. I had employed him to oversee the building while I was away and to sort the market business. If Joel didn't want the business, I intended to have Ricard as the manager full time; or even if Joel did stay, he could do with a manager for when he was abroad or so he could enjoy life as well. I did not intend to run the business myself.

Since I had got back, I had also employed a receptionist who knew how to layout books and spoke several languages; she, too, was married, young and could work well on her own initiative. I told this all to Joel, that I wanted a young workforce to work with him, like-minded and motivated and capable of working on his or her own, if Joel was away; and I didn't want it to take over his life. Joel agreed and seemed really pleased. After a while of looking round I handed him the keys.

"Here you go; all yours if you want it and if you don't later down the line, fine. Whatever makes you happy."

He swept me up into his strong arms and twirled me round. "I love you, "he shouted, and as he put me down I saw Dominic standing in the doorway smiling.

Brimming with happiness I turned to Dominic, "This is my gorgeous son I've been telling you so much about."

They shook hands and I welled up with tears. The two men I loved had met.

"Goodness Mum, not again," Joel put his arm round my shoulders.

"Sorry," I muttered and they both chuckled.

"Dinner will be at one, don't be late because it gets busy," I said.

He nodded and I saw him look Dominic up and down as we left him to look about by himself.

Outside Dominic said, "He seems keen and happy."

"Oh, I do hope so." He squeezed my hand.

When we entered the restaurant it was buzzing; I waved to Sharon and made my way over to her, Samuel and Mum as Dominic went to get me a glass of wine.

"Well?" said Sharon.

"He's thrilled," I said with a shudder of joy.

"I told you he would be," said Dominic, depositing my wine on the table.

"Thanks Dominic; a lot of it is due to you. I don't know how to thank you."

He smirked, "I'm sure I shall think of something," and he went off to help Nadine.

Sharon and Samuel had only returned from their 'sunshine' trip a few days ago and tomorrow they were going skiing. For two people who hated snow and cold weather I found that strange. We chatted, catching up with each other, draining our glasses; so Samuel asked Nadine for a couple of bottles of wine. I could see that I would be doing little this afternoon! Nadine placed them on the table, opened them and started to pour wine into a glass when she stopped dead. We had all been inadvertently watching her and now we glanced up at her.

"What's the matter?" I asked alarmed, rising fast because I thought she was going to faint, and took the bottle and glass from her.

"OOOh," she squeaked then sort of whispered "I've just fallen in love and seen the man I am going to marry," she gazed towards the door.

I turned and heard Sharon snort; standing equally transfixed in the doorway was Joel, as if a truck had hit him, gazing towards Nadine.

"This might stop him from leaving, even if the business doesn't," giggled Sharon.

I was the one who felt faint then; they walked to meet one another in the middle of the room, like in a movie; all we needed was romantic music. I saw, from the corner of my eye, Dominic looking at Nadine, puzzled, until realisation dawned. I wondered what he was thinking; he didn't look pleased. I also knew that Nadine would do just what she said! Joel didn't stand a chance of escape and, by the look on his face, didn't want to. Oh my! My stomach fluttered; how I would love these two to... but Dominic's features didn't say the same. Suddenly I felt annoyed; Joel would be perfect for any girl... and I couldn't wish for a better daughter–in-law than Nadine; I already thought of her as a daughter. I rose, introducing them to each other; Joel stood there like an idiot, and Nadine grabbed him and kissed him on each cheek, watched by Dominic. Then I led Joel away, in a trance. Sharon, Samuel, and Mum were in hysterics and my mouth started to twitch as Joel sat down and Nadine, little minx, asked Joel in a most suggestive tone, if she could get him anything. Joel shook his head. Had he lost his voice too? I knew how he felt; Dominic had had the same effect on me... well nearly.

Dominic seemed to have recovered himself, but was quiet and kept gazing towards Joel when he joined us for dinner. It was obvious to anyone that Joel was mesmerised by Nadine and she flirted and giggled with him over lunch, until I felt quite sorry for him. When we left, she had arranged to take him ...and his new work colleagues of course, some lunch the following day.

When we arrived home, Joel seemed to recover his voice and started asking me non-stop questions about her.

"I hope you really like her," I said, "Don't go messing her about; she's a lovely girl, not only to look at, but in her heart as well."

"Oh, Mum," he replied dreamily. "I wouldn't; I have never seen anyone so beautiful. Have you noticed her big dark eyes? Do you think it's possible to fall in love in just a second?"

"Oh, yes," I giggled at the starry look on my sons face. "It's a tradition in her family to do just that! So," I said, smirking, "do you think you will like living here."

"Why didn't you insist on it before?" he said. "Her Dad doesn't seem overjoyed though."

"You just leave him to Nadine...and me."

The next morning Joel was up early, went for a swim in the pool, showered, washed his hair, put on a clean light blue shirt, that made his blue eyes even bluer, and dark blue slacks that made his legs look longer and asked me how he looked.

"A knockout," I said, my mouth twitching and he smirked back. "And from a boss's view," I continued, "you look elegant and smart."

"Ha, ha. Well I'm off. Can I take the car?"

"Of course, we have to have the whole ensemble, and a boss on foot is not quite the thing."

"Stop teasing. If you pay me enough, I'll be able to buy myself a car, soon. How much are the wages by the way?"

"How about board and lodgings?"

"Hmm," he frowned.

Grinning, I added, "I'll buy you a car! ...And give you...fifty grand a year to start. "

He whistled, and chuckling, asked, "Is that with or without my allowance?" I threw the paper I was trying to read at him, "I'll see you later to check on you; now clear off," and laughing wickedly, he disappeared.

"Aarh," I screamed as I stepped out of the shower and suddenly Dominic was there.

"Sorry," he said. "I did yell; you couldn't have heard me." His eyes drifted over me as he started to hand me the towel. "Mmm, I'm glad you didn't hear me," he said and dropped the towel, drawing me into his arms. I was dripping and so was part of his shirt now; I felt his stiffness against my naked stomach. Already! We had not been together since Joel had arrived, except for dinner yesterday and we had hardly kissed. Kissing my mouth and the side of my neck his warm hands roamed my wet body.

Between kisses he said, "I think you need another shower and opening the door turned on the water, grinning, licking his lips deliberately like a cat tasting cream. He stripped off his clothes and together we stood caressing each other under the cascading water. Lifting me up, our naked chests together, I curled my legs round his back and my arms round his neck. He kissed me, his tongue teasing mine, his hands holding me up under my bottom. When he pushed up into me, I gasped and had to lift myself off him slightly, he felt so big; I was not moist enough yet. He stopped kissing me and gazed at me, frowning.

"You OK?"

I nodded; I would be in a minute. With his eyes fixed at me, he gently moved a little into me and I tried to relax onto him, slowly he delved until he was deep inside me again, satisfied I was OK. Slipping his lips down the side of my throat and neck, my insides did a flip, and a tingle rushed around my insides, up my spine, and up to my breasts and came out of my mouth with a moan. Dominic fastened his lips to my mouth, sucked, and gouged at my mouth in rhythm to his thrusting until we both came.

When we lay curled together on the bed with towels wrapped round our naked bodies, he asked, "Has Joel had lots of girlfriends?"

"Yes, quite a few."

"And he's not sure if he wants to stay or travel or what?"

I looked at him.

"I don't want him to just play about with Nadine and then go off."

"I've already told him not to mess her about. I've never seen him like this though," I laughed. "He asked me if he thought it possible to fall in love in a second. Nadine said the same as soon as she saw him; _and_ that she was going to marry him! So have you a problem with them?" I added, remembering the look on his face yesterday.

He turned, lent up on one elbow and squinted at me; he must have seen I was beginning to get angry.

"Gosh your eyes are flashing dangerously and you sure look hot when you're annoyed," and he bent his dark head towards me, about to kiss me again.

I ignored him and said coldly, "You haven't answered me."

"I haven't got a problem with them or rather Joel, _if_ he is serious."

"I just told you he was. If he hurts her I'll annihilate him myself."

"You won't need to; I will," he said, quietly.

"I told you he likes her; he won't mess her around. He's not like that. How many times do I have to say it?"

"Well, let's face it; if he is anything like his father he would have pulled the wool over your eyes about her."

"I think you should go," I said, detangling myself from him.

He stared at me for a second, got up, found his clothes, and said, "Fine, if that's what you want."

When he had gone, I was furious; I raced about polishing and scrubbing the floors and furniture until I calmed down, and then burst into tears.

It was two in the afternoon and raining heavily, bouncing off the ground like cascading jewels dropping, when I called a taxi to see if Joel was Ok and enjoying his new company. When I arrived, Nadine was there, chatting to Joel in his office.

He had learnt to talk then.

As I came in, they both looked up at me; she kissed me and seemed uncomfortable, then made an excuse and disappeared quickly. Not like her. Dominic must have told her about our argument. I sat down as Joel walked back in from seeing Nadine out; running his hands through his curls, he said, "How much do you like Dominic?"

"I love him... and he loves me," I said. There, I've told him and I gazed up at his face to see his reaction.

He stared down at me for a moment. "I don't want to get between you, but does he treat you OK? I mean I understand you two have had a disagreement about me. If he loves you, why does he hate me? You don't _his_ daughter."

"Oh, you've got it all wrong. He helped me start this business, just for you, so you would maybe stay here with me. He's just worried for Nadine; he thinks you might be like your father"

"What have her, then dump her?"

"Something like that." Should I tell him about his Dad, how much he hurt me and would it hurt him too?

He saw the worry on my face. "Come on Mum, out with it. I'm a big boy now."

Are you? However, I knew he wouldn't let it go. Maybe the time had come to let him know the truth. "There's something I haven't told you about your father," I began.

"And," he said impatiently.

"Lucy was not the only woman he had an affair with. He had lots throughout our marriage. I was too stupid and busy to realise, and I trusted him. Dominic has seen the damage your Dad did to me and he doesn't want that for Nadine. I'm sorry."

Joel went pale and slowly collapsed into the chair. "What are you sorry about?" he said angrily at length. "I would never do that to a girl I loved... let alone my wife. I believe you should be faithful in marriage or what's the point of getting married... I somehow knew Dad had affairs."

"Did you?"

"Well there was the time we went on holiday and you were ill and had to go into hospital. Some woman suddenly joined us; she was on her own on holiday, so we were told! She came with us every day, but it was weird; and I caught them cuddling one night. I was nine, Grandad seemed to know, and he seemed to think it was Ok, so I thought it was."

"Mmm, that's another story. Grandad thought he was doing me a good turn. Dad had an affair with her for at least a year, from what I understand, until Grandad found out. He promised him he would be faithful and convinced Grandad it was a one off and he was sorry. So in order not to hurt me, Grandad kept it quiet. I was so angry when I eventually found out last year; he should have told me."

"I never told you, and I half knew," he looked guilty. "Another time I was supposed to wait in the car one day while Dad dropped something off, but Dad was such a long time I went to find him. He was kissing this girl. He said after, that she was upset about her books or something and she was a silly emotional cow like all women; he was just comforting her and kissing her goodbye. I was fourteen then and I knew that kiss was a proper kiss, but I kept telling myself he wouldn't do that to you and I didn't want to think otherwise."

I slipped my arm round him. "I was the silly cow - trusting him. I knew he liked flirting; I didn't mind, I thought he was like Sharon: he would never let it go any further, because he loved me. He had affairs from the start of our marriage; he never loved me; he hit on all my friends and even Karen."

Joel's jaw dropped open, "You're joking!"

"Fraid not. He had left me and was living with Lucy when he tried his luck with Karen; she was horrified and so was I when I found out."

"I know he's my dad but he is utterly selfish. I found that out last year, working and living with him; he behaves just how he likes and never cares about anyone and their feelings, only himself; that's him. I think you were a saint to have put up with it. You must have loved him a lot."

"Mmm, thought I did, until I met Dominic. I never loved your father like I do him; he cares deeply about making me happy too."

Joel held my hand as he gazed up with love in his eyes. "Brainwashed was what you were with Dad."

I nodded.

Suddenly he laughed, his colour returning to his face. "Well I would not treat Nadine or any woman like that, ever; and I will just have to prove it. In the meantime, I'll go and see Dominic and invite him and Nadine to dinner tonight, so you can make up and I intend to ask him his intentions with regard to you, too."

"You can't do that; you sound like my father!"

"I can; you just watch me." My baby boy strode out with a determined glint in his eye. "You have the car; I'll walk back and help you cook when I get in."

# CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

### Honesty

I was giggling, wrestling with Joel when Dominic and Nadine turned up. Joel was holding a whisk above me, and I couldn't quite reach it and he was laughing, teasing me because it was out of my reach. He was insisting on doing the job of making a soufflé and so was I. When we saw them both, hesitating at the door watching us, we stopped with our arms suspended in the air. I released the whisk so Joel could make the soufflé. Nadine came into the kitchen and asked what Joel was cooking and I gazed towards Dominic leaning in the doorway, as he regarded me.

"Well you can leave us to it," Nadine said, and pushed me towards the door and Dominic moved off the threshold as I was pushed towards him, and we went into the sitting room. As we did, I heard Joel say to Nadine,

"Does your father sulk much?"

"No, never; why?"

"My dad used to control us with his days of sulking, and he used to say and call Mum horrible things; it was awful."

It was the first time I realised how damaging that had been for my kids. It was more than awful and had created terrible tension; we walked around on eggshells and he would abuse me in front of the children, often calling me pathetic; now I knew why, and I had let it happen, just like Chloe had said. I abruptly thought how we also rarely ever laughed or had fun together if Ben was around. I should have stuck up for the kids and myself, even let Chloe have that dog! My eyes filled with tears.

Dominic saw the distress on my face. Sitting down in the soft armchair, he pulled me onto his lap.

"Is Ben as good looking as his son? If so, I can see why you fell in love and went for him."

I gazed at this incredible man; he knew I was blaming myself and was saying how easy it was for me to have been swept in. My heart wobbled with love, "I used to think so, but I prefer a darker version nowadays" and I kissed him lightly on the mouth.

"Sorry about earlier," he mumbled, kissing my neck. "I went too far with what I said."

"Mmm, well Joel is not like his father, except to look at," I assured him.

"Joel looks like you; he has your curly hair, and your sensual," he pecked me, "sexy mouth. And he is like you with his honest straightforwardness."

"He said he was going to talk to you," I giggled. "What did he say?"

"That if I ever treat you like his father had he would make me sorry. Because you are a very special lady and he won't let you get hurt ever again. I could see how much he loves you. He is quite a son you have there."

I laughed, "I know. I just don't know when he grew into such a man though."

"You would love him to be with Nadine, wouldn't you?"

"Yes, I could think of nothing more perfect. I love Nadine like a daughter; the two of them together would make my world complete."

"Mmm, well I promise to be nice to him," he nuzzled my neck, "I am sorry, it's just that I don't want 'us' to be spoilt by anyone and if it doesn't work out between our kids..." he grimaced. "He came just after I had had a lecture from Nadine. Two; within the hour!"

"Well you deserved it. I have no sympathy for you. What did Nadine say?"

"Oh, how she could judge people for herself and she would not tolerate any interference."

I chuckled, "Good for her."

Dominic grinned, pulled my head down and kissed me hard on the mouth, one of those curl your toes jobs. Clasped and locked like that, I didn't hear Joel come in with Nadine.

"See, he never sulks," she smirked.

Joel was staring, goggle eyed and I felt uncomfortable. He had never seen me kiss another man, let alone like that.

Nadine laughed at him, grabbed his hand, and said. "You'll get used to it."

Dominic, I think, felt awkward too; he slipped me off his lap and we all ambled to the pool and sat at the round dining table, just as Mum turned up. Over dinner, she asked if she could borrow the car.

"I really must get some more cars; this is getting ridiculous," I answered.

"Well I thought maybe this weekend I'll have a look round for one," Joel said.

"I can take you both to some good car places if you like?" Dominic said.

"Thanks and I'll buy you one Nan, with all the money Mum's throwing at me, one of those little bugs on wheels," he teased.

"Cheek! I want a sports convertible, like your mother's. I'm not that old you know."

"I'd be worried sick," he mocked. "Oh no, couldn't have that."

Nadine was about to stick up for my mum and her driving when she caught my eye - he was teasing his grandmother. However, Mum was always smart, she out-witted Dad for years.

"Well, Mum's planning to buy you that bug or something similar, one that doesn't go too fast, so when she's not looking I'll let you use my car. I'm surprised she let you go down the road in that sports car."

Joel laughed, "OK Nan, no one gets the bug." Then suddenly wondering if what his Nan had said had a ring of truth, he turned to me. "You are going to let me choose my own car, aren't you?"

We all laughed and he blushed. Funnily enough, Dominic came to his rescue by distracting us with his 'present' for me.

"I came over this morning with a present for you," he said with a rueful grin, looking into my eyes and I knew his words had a double meaning; so, I turned away. It was in front of the kids!

"Oh yes, and you didn't give it to me," I said, keeping my eyes on my dinner.

He ignored my comment; what else could he do? "It's the finished music video and album. It came today. I thought we could look at it together tonight, after dinner."

Nadine squealed. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"Well everyone's been busy telling me off today; haven't they?" he said peering into her eyes. Not that it made a scrap of difference to Nadine's reprimand.

"You could have said this morning, before you kicked off."

"Me! I kicked off? You went out so early, before the parcel arrived, as soon as certain offices had opened, with coffee. I didn't get any coffee."

"And if you don't watch it, you won't get any in the future either."

Suddenly Joel was snickering. He hadn't seen the banter between these two before; Mum and I had, often, so we just let it roll over our heads, sometimes with our lips twitching in amusement.

Nadine threw her father a dirty look, because it was her turn to feel embarrassed in front of Joel. But I knew he liked it. "Could we have dessert in the sitting room so we can watch it, Francine? Pleeese," she pleaded.

I was eager to watch too and so were Mum and Joel. So how could I say anything but yes?

The cover of the album had me on it, standing in the surf with a net of fish over my shoulder wearing a seaweed green skimpy bikini bottom and a torn raggedy tee shirt with string straps. - That had been Scott's idea; he had grabbed hold of my tee shirt suddenly and ripped the base off it after filming for a few minutes, muttering 'that's much better', but it just about covered my breasts! In the background on the sand, Dominic and Michael were dressed in shorts and bright unbuttoned shirts, baring their sexy chests, playing together on a piano; the piano appeared as half a globe of the world and half a piano; that had been my idea but Scott had fiddled about with the image; it was great.

When the video came on screen, you saw me wading, splashing in the sea and coming towards the shore in my green skimpy outfit, which was wet and clung to me; you could see the outline of my nipples! Mmm... Dominic was singing his Earth Mother song, which he had composed for me, softly, hauntingly; then the music grew wild and so did Dominic's singing; then it became phenomenally untamed, louder, building like an orgasm in sound. It was an awesome and terrific start. The next song had Michael and Dominic playing the globe piano on the beach with the waves tall and crashing in the background, which I had filmed in France. Next, Dominic and I were singing together in the restaurant; Nadine had filmed that under my supervision. Then there was me singing the song that I had recorded at Paul's studio, although I only mimed it when Scott filmed me. I stood on top of a wall in Barbados with an orange and pink dawn, a large golden sun coming up from the horizon behind me like it was on fire, and it reflected in the sea. I was wearing an orange chiffon caftan and Scott had directed the filming sideways to the sun like a partial silhouette. Below the film shot was a blow machine blowing me and the material, so it seemed as if I was floating and part of the world; my hair, long and bushy, looked on fire. Then it gradually changed as I sang in an evening silvery sky and sea, and became a dark shadow against the sky. Then it went to night and I had bright lights shone at me, but you couldn't see that against the inky sky and stars; I was shining as brightly as a star. The filming had taken all day, on and off, to achieve that but I loved the result. I didn't feel it was me though. It was like seeing someone else that just happened to look like me. The next song, Dominic and I were horse riding bareback along the beach, splashing through the sea, with Dominic's captivating saxophone playing and Michael on the clarinet. Then there was another of Dominic and me swimming underwater towards the camera, me in my seaweed outfit and Dominic in tight shorts, which showed his bulge and desirable physique; all to another of Dominic's astounding saxophone pieces. The next two were medleys on the piano and saxophone with several pieces of film I had shot of Dominic and Michael sorting oysters in the Bassin de Thau and through flames round the BBQ. The last song was another Dominic had composed; very primitive with drums and piano and Dominic and I sung it together; the film was of Aaron and me on the beach in Antigua. I had to admit that I looked primeval in dappled light, but natural and wild too, with Aaron's long blond locks and he curled in my lap.

"Wow Papa," Nadine flung herself round her father's neck. "That is the best ever album, even better than Grandpa's. I knew it would be, with Francine producing it. You're so clever Francine," and she now flung herself at my neck.

I smiled with pride, although it was only some of my ideas and a combination of Dominic's music and production and Scott's terrific filming. "What do you think Joel?"

"I'm speechless. I know that was you, but it's not the Mum I know."

That's how I felt.

"It's the person I know, beautiful, wild, natural, sexy and awesome," Dominic said.

"You really see me like ...that!"

"Oh yes and I shall watch that Scott in the future! And no more of those goodbye kisses, either. He said he was inspired by my song, damn him; he is inspired by you, if he sees you like me."

I laughed, shaking my head. How could either of them see that in me? How could I have looked so...so; was I what Dominic had said, awesome? I got up and wrapped my arms round his neck. "Your music is so, so magical, and thanks for everything especially for changing me and my life."

He kissed me softly and said, "I haven't changed you. _You_ were just a little hidden."

My eyes filled with tears and I saw Joel throw a look of bemused tenderness at Dominic as he watched us.

Mum saw the look as well and I know she was pleased. Mum adored Dominic, telling me how good he was for me.

"Well, Mum?"

She smirked, "Now you're a... star, because this video and your programmes have done that. I don't want to see you in any of those reality shows and that undignified stuff on tele."

I laughed at her, giving her a big, squeezey hug.

"I always knew you were talented," she added.

The next morning I received two letters; the first an enormous royalty cheque plus the money from Paul for my programmes. If I never worked again or had no income, I would never need to worry. I giggled to myself as I sat in the early winter sun eating my breakfast. Who would have thought that I could be this rich doing something I loved. I did have hidden talent, not even I had been aware of, but it was more than that now; something inside me had been released, I was uninhibited, felt no constraints, no one judging or confining me. Self assured and deliriously happy!

My mind drifted.... What would have happened if I hadn't found that book? Would I have gone to work for Ben? When I was desperate, I had thought about it. However, I did have the programmes sort of in the bag anyhow without my book money. I probably wouldn't have had a sleek beauty of a boat, but I would have had a boat. I wouldn't have had this lovely house, but I might have had a smaller version. Mmm, I would invest some of the money in more houses for the children's future and give some more to Chloe's Indian hostel and to cancer research, too.

I suddenly remembered the other letter and I ripped it open, still thinking. My heart flipped into my throat; it was the letter I had been dreading - the date of the trial in Spain. I would have to recall the horror of Giles being shot again. I froze; I just couldn't go by myself... maybe Dominic would come with me. It was the last week in March; would he leave Nadine four weeks from now, with Joel? Giles would be there, so would Dawn and Raphael, as witnesses about our time on the boat when the drugs were on board. Giles would have his son, and Dawn and Raphael each other. I didn't want to be on my own. Would it be over by Easter, when Mel would be coming?

Dominic and I were going to Turkey, to do some more filming for his pirate programme with some of his diving friends, after Easter too. Nadine was coming with us then; it had all been arranged. I didn't know if I felt alarmed or just panicky. If Dominic wouldn't leave Nadine or adjust the schedule, I would ask Joel. ...I needed someone.

I decided to wait for a week to see how the kid's relationship progressed. Anyhow, it was my birthday tomorrow and I would not think about the trial until after that.

My birthday was great; Dominic bought me some beautiful silk underwear; I would have to try them on later for him, he winked; and then we went horse riding at the Carmargue; where we both galloped for miles, wild and free. In the evening, Nadine made me a special meal in her restaurant, with my family and Dominic's family, although Pierre was still abroad travelling until May. However, I met Michael's other son Jean, who lived in Limoges with his wife and two year old daughter, who was delightfully cute. Dominic refused to stay the night even though I asked him. He knew I was worried about Joel's feelings if he did. I promised to make up for it another time.

His dark eyes swirled with mischief, "You have a lot of making up and thanking me piling up. I'm going to enjoy it all when you do."

He so understands, how could I not love him? My stomach leapt like a caged lion and I wished passionately that he was staying the night. I wanted him holding me and being there in the morning next to me.

That weekend Dominic and Joel went to buy cars together. Mum was supposed to be going with them too, but she came in saying,

"I'm feeling so tired, all the racing about I've done his week. I'll go another time, unless you see some dangerously smart sports car; then you can phone me."

After they had gone, full of concern for Mum, I said. "How come you're feeling so tired? You haven't done much this week compared to other weeks."

Mum cackled, "Oh don't worry, silly goose; I feel fine. I thought it would be best if the two of them went together, see how they get on and get to know one another."

Hugging her I said, "I adore you Mum; what a clever idea."

Joel did get a car; a smart, flashy, white sports car. He picked it up the following week and he and Dominic started teasing me about him driving it. A good sign when men stick together like that! It means they were friends and liked each other \- weird creatures really, men. During the next week, Joel had seen Nadine every day and one night took her to a concert he had acquired tickets for. Dominic let her go happily, so I asked him about coming with me to Spain.

He agreed straight away. "Yes, I don't want you going by yourself. I shall book a villa and ask Nadine and Joel to join us; we can make it a mini holiday and have some fun. We don't want it to be too gruesome an experience, more than it has to be."

"I'm not sure how long we will be there. What about the restaurant?"

"Nadine and I have had a word about the restaurant; she is finding a permanent manager to run it and a chef other than herself, Grams, Pierre, when he's here, and me. It has become too much for Grams if Nadine wants a day off or if I'm away. Nadine should not be tied to it so much either, especially when there is a problem like when my Uncle died or like now. I know we are not open so much in the winter and we don't have to rely on it for money but I mentioned it first to Michael in case he got upset over Pierre's job. He thought it was a great idea; he agrees Pierre would feel relieved about it as well. Funnily enough, I think it was Joel that swayed her; he said she could still be in the restaurant whenever she wanted, just not tied to it. I know how much she enjoys it, but she needs a life as well."

* *

In late March, we went to Spain. I also told Joel I would be sleeping with Dominic and, with a twinkle in his eye, he said that he was surprised I hadn't before. The next ten days were good and horrible. When I saw Giles, I flung myself into his arms. He looked remarkably well and calm as he held me, patting me like a little child, while gazing at Dominic. Dawn, Raphael, and Squidge, who had grown and was the happiest of babies, had all come with Giles and his son on the same flight. I introduce them to Dominic; then we drove them to their hotel, not too far from the villa, and then Hamish arrived. We left them all to settle in and we arranged to meet later in the hotel restaurant for dinner, with Nadine and Joel.

That night was a bit like a party, all boosting ourselves for the days to come. Luckily, the trial only lasted ten dreadfully long days. I trembled when I first saw them in court. Each night Dominic would massage my head and shoulders until the day's tension disappeared; then he held me in his arms and told me how much he loved me until I fell asleep. The day they were convicted I cried with joy and we all went out and celebrated.

That night in bed, Dominic turned to me and said, "Until today I always envied Giles and I wondered some days if you still loved him. I thought he and you had been together for nearly a year and he was half the reason that you don't want to live with me or anyone, but it turns out it wasn't like that; you and he had only one night"

"He told you!" I gasped. "I didn't know you thought that. Why haven't you spoken to me about it?"

"What would I say; tell me about the men you've had?"

"Do you want to know?"

He nodded.

"Well, I had one night of...lust with Paul. I didn't know he was married, by the way, and one night with Giles. That's it! Paul seduced and infatuated me...but only for the night and Giles made me realize I had missed a lot in my marriage and that what I wanted was sweet, cherished love- making that made me feel good about myself, just like you do. I love you as I have never loved anyone else. Some days I worry in case it won't last and you fall out of love with me."

He gathered me to him. "Impossible! From the second I saw you I knew I wanted to grow old with you. I knew you had been with Paul, but again I thought it was more than that."

"Now your turn."

"I've had a few one-nighters too with a couple of women; I hated it; too impersonal. Then there was a single mum called Elena from here in Spain; she was on holiday and it lasted a few weeks after her holiday; she was not my type; no wildness," he said, grinning at me. "Another was a girl called Anna from Sweden; she was a diver and we were together on a programme for two months and when that finished so were we; we didn't really jell. Then there was Naomi from down the road at home; she has moved now; divorcee, always whinging and never laughed. That's about it."

"Oh!" I said surprised. "Half of me wants to live with you," I said, "but I'm just scared I will lose my freedom, my identity; and now there is Joel."

"Mmm, well the way Joel looks at my daughter he is never going away; and I would never stop you from doing or being what you are, or want. I thought I had proved that; obviously not."

"No you're right, you have. When I'm sure Joel won't mind about us, please will you move in with me?"

"In your house?"

"Yes, I love living on the beach and the quiet privacy. I couldn't live my life at the harbour.... Now you're thinking about Nadine aren't you?"

He started chuckling and soon we were both squirming on the bed, laughing, he grazing me with kisses. I slipped my arms round his neck and he went quiet, kissing me placidly across my mouth and eyelids. I drifted my hands over him and swept my hand down to his penis, which immediately shot up in the air.

"I thought I was the one that went up like a firework," I smirked.

"Mmmm, now let me see..."

He gave me a toe-curling kiss, I went shivery all over, and my insides bubbled. Chuckling, he sucked and played with my nipples then he slipped those magic fingers of his in my insides and feeling how juicy I was said, "So easy to please."

Huh!

My hand on his erection I slid my fingers round him, moving them gently, stroking him; he groaned and pushed me onto my back and raised himself above me. Letting go of him, I struggled from under him, climbed on top, straddling him, and took his erection, gliding him to the tip of my insides, and sliding him out, my fingers round him caressing him.

He sucked in his breath, "Stop teasing; I shall be over too quickly."

"So easy to please."

His eyes narrowed and his lip twitched; I giggled; he made even our lovemaking entertaining with the openness of his desires with me. I could see he was planning some way to win. However, I continued moving my other hand round his erection fondling him and my vagina together, while I bent over him drifting my tongue along his soapy smelling chest; the smell always increased my desire, and lust nearly took me over. Managing to hold on to my control, I worked my way up the side of his neck with little nibbles and rubbed my cheek against his like a cat. I felt him shuddering underneath me, swallow hard, slip a trembling hand down, and he grabbed my wrist as he pushed up into me. Safely snuggled, he put his finger under my chin so I looked straight into his eyes, and his lips started twitching again with amusement. I knew then I had probably lost the game; so did he. Gazing at me, he started moving in that deliberate, tantalizing way, slow and easy, inside me. I tried to keep myself in control and have _all_ the control, but my body betrayed me. I felt I was part of him again, with the all-consuming intensity in his eyes and each thrust curdled my stomach. He cradled my breasts as they hung above him, playing with my nipples with his fingers, massaging, and caressing them. He thrust, delving as far as was possible, smirking, twisting inside me; sensations rippled across me, through me, inside and out; I went to close my eyes with rapture.

"Don't shut your eyes; that's cheating," he said, thrusting again right up into me; he held it and a surge of wanton delirium engulfed me.

"Oh you win, you win, arh," I screamed, my legs uncooperative with the rampant prickles all around my vagina. Still, he continued pushing and holding it. I couldn't bear the spasm in my insides, it was mentally unbalancing torment and I cried, "please," and chuckling, he speeded up and I had an agonising, but exquisite orgasm and went limp. He flipped me on my back and I made no protest this time; he continued his thrusting, breathing heavy. I lay there letting him, completely inapt. He clamped my mouth, and sucked the breath out of me, what was left of it, working his tongue, exploring mine with soft, sensual strokes. Still I was limp. Then he glanced down at me quizzically, kissed me demandingly, which lit my fire again. He gave a throaty laugh at my stirrings; he knew exactly how to press my buttons! His tongue travelled down to my breast and engulfed my tightened nipple into the hot cavern of his mouth; he sucked and flicked his tongue round, then swapped nipples. I threaded my fingers through his hair; my insides burned with electricity and I curled my legs round him; until then I had been spread-eagle, lying flat against the cotton sheet as he plunged, unable to lift or control them. Now, I fastened myself to him and we rose and fell together until we climaxed.

# CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

### My new world

Easter came and so did Mel, Keith, and the kids. It was the middle of April and the sun had spread its warmth and was perfect. We swam in the pool and went out on Spirit sailing and diving in our wet suits. Dominic and I had been going horse riding every week since my birthday and we took them all, with Nadine and even Joel, through the Carmargue one day.

After, while we had lunch, the boys, with my camera, took film of the wild life and animals. Doing a me, they said! Another day we went to the markets and bought loads of unnecessary things and Dominic took Keith, the boys and Joel to Michael's, and they went oyster fishing. Then one night the boys played with Dominic in the restaurant with their 'newly formed band.' That was a real triumph and I could see Mel felt proud of them. She said they had been practicing since they had last seen Dominic in England.

"I love Dominic; don't you go and lose him, with silly hang ups because of Ben. He is so terrifically good for you." Mel said that evening.

"Yes, so everyone keeps telling me."

Eventually, it was time for them to go home; they went with the usual moans and a promise that they could come back for the summer holidays, and Mum went with them.

A week after they had gone we sailed to Turkey with Nadine and Joel – we had a hard time prizing them apart nowadays - plus Dominic's two diving companions, Fabien and Loen, who he had done his previous programmes with. It was extremely hot, the water warm and I loved doing the directing with Joel and Nadine's help and I enjoyed diving, filming and being on Spirit again.

"You're in your domain here aren't you?" Dominic laughed one day as I was practically dragged from the sea.

In the evenings, we went roaming the cobbled streets for food and when Hamish joined us, he showed us a restaurant that had belly dancers and I danced for Dominic. When I got near he whispered, "You owe me remember? You shall have to do this with your necklace on."

The day after we arrived home, I received a call from Chloe. Ben was at her house and in a right state. Lucy had left him because he was still in love with me! Yeah right, _even_ though she had gone off with a rich Italian! A large haul of black bats entered my stomach.

"What shall I do?" Chloe asked.

"Send him home."

"I can't be that cruel. Can't you come over and sort him out?"

Sort him out! "Sorry, even if I wanted to I'm too busy."

"You've been busy _all_ my life, can't you stop for once?"

"What does Oliver say?"

There was silence.

"Well." However, I knew.

"Send him home, like you said; but he won't go. He just says how much he still loves you and how nice it would be if you forgave him and took him back. And I think it would be too."

"I have someone else; I don't love him anymore."

"Well it didn't look like that in Antigua."

No, I was only playing at flirting though, leading him on because I could and in front of Lucy. I could kick myself now.

"Oh just chuck his things in his car and don't let him intimidate you. I suppose this phone call was his idea?"

"It's not that simple. He doesn't even have a job or any work now. He still loves you and misses you. Can't you come home?"

"Well I don't miss him and I am home, here in Franc; this is my home. I told you I have met someone else."

"But not like Dad. Could Dad come over to you maybe?"

Damn him; panicking I said, "No sorry I'm going away; won't be here for weeks; travelling. It would be lovely to see you though, when I get back."

She sighed, "I'll ask Oliver. I do think you're being heartless."

I softened, "I'll see if I can get him some work; I still have contacts in England. That's all, and I'm not promising even that."

It was all half true; Dominic and I were going to dive off the coast of Egypt for the lost city part of his programme. It was not for another couple of weeks, but I was also going to Spain next weekend, to little Franco's christening. Dominic was invited too, so we decided to sail there and after, go on to Egypt. In the meantime, because I could not be in two places at once, I was sending Joel to America, representing our agency; mostly because it involved the promotion of my children's storybooks that he had illustrated, which were absolutely brilliant and far better than even Ben's illustrations. Someone had to do the promotional tour, and he was the co-worker on the books. He was not happy, as he didn't want to be away from Nadine, but I said he must make up his mind; did he want the business? If so, this was part of it and absence made the heart grow fonder. He made a face at me, but agreed.

"When I'm married to Nadine we will travel together; I'll _never_ leave her behind, and then I won't miss her."

"Have you asked her then, to marry you?"

" No," he grinned. "She told me she was marrying me next spring, apparently. Who am I to argue? It's Nadine's twenty-first on the 1st of June so I shall be back for that. She's asking Dominic for me as a birthday present," he chuckled. "But I will ask him formally myself."

I smiled with undisguised pleasure; I was so happy for them both.... and me; I could have danced round the room! I told him then about Chloe's phone call and he phoned her and spoke to Ben, who reluctantly agreed to go home. All that week I phoned England persuading people to let Ben do work for them. I managed to secure a year's contract for him to draw and design some Christmas and birthday cards and several advertising contracts. In addition, Dawn and Raphael wanted some new covers designed on cartons for a new food range. Whatever Lucy was stinging him for; he would have an income for a while. I wondered what had happened to Aaron.

As I had the house to myself, I had plans to show Dominic my thanks - and how much I loved him. The day after Joel left, Dominic came to stay the night.

I greeted him with only his necklace on and I belly danced about the sitting room; he lay watching me, with me feeding him grapes, of course! I did get an attack of the giggles a couple of times especially when he tried to grab my waist when I dropped grapes into his mouth. Suddenly he shot up and whisked me upstairs and we made frenzied love.

As we lay naked, stretched out on the bed, I asked. "Did you bring your tattoo kit?"

"Yes, what do you want that for? I didn't know you knew I did tattoos."

Smiling I said, "I thought I would like a couple of tattoos."

"Er, I'm not keen on women having tattoos, but," he added hastily, "you can have one if you like; it's your body."

"I thought..." I said smiling and sitting up, cupping my breasts, "that I would like your name round the outside of my nipples ... not too big though."

His jaw dropped, "You serious!"

"But if you don't...."

"I've changed my mind," he said quickly. ".... Are you sure?"

I nodded; he put his hands over the top of mine and helped cradle my breasts, gently stroking them.

"It might hurt a bit."

"Mind... I'm a coward; if you're not careful you'll put me off."

"How big and what style?" he chuckled, staring fixedly and kissing each nipple in turn.

"I don't know," I giggled. "What styles do you do?"

"I'll have to think. I'm a bit stunned... nicely stunned."

"I'll get you some paper and you can draw what you think would be Ok."

"I think I need a drink first! Then I'll get the kit and the stuff from the car."

Eventually, he made up his mind over the design! And I sat naked, propped up with cushions at the curve of my back in a large comfy armchair.

He started with washing my breasts with an antiseptic that led to my nipples going hard and his penis doing the same, his naked body shivered. Then he sprayed cold anaesthetic lightly round one nipple and a tingle swept my body. I knew we would never get it finished before we had sex.

Lifting my breast, holding it in his hot palm, he went to work. As he started, I jumped.

"You will have to try and stay still."

I nodded. It did hurt slightly but I found it quite erotic and after he put 'Dominic' above one of my dark strawberry nipple in green curly text, I was quivering with desire. I was also having his surname Rupee underneath my nipple – so there would be no mistake to whom I belonged - had to do the job properly! Dominic's penis was nearly bursting, so giggling, I stretched out my fingers and touched his swollen erection; he tried to carry on and ignore me but I opened my legs, smirking. He took his eyes away from my breast; I gazed up at him with a sultry look, and he took hold of himself and guided it into me. Ha! Was that to appease me? Plunging into me, standing above me, he tried to do a little more, thrust and did a little more, he carried on sort of doing this until I thought if he doesn't finish soon I would go mad with lust. He always has such control... I was having a difficult time not wiggling, goose bumps were rolling over me like waves crushing on the sea shore, and I was moaning, breathing heavily, holding my breath and panting until Dominic dropped the tattoo instrument and we had uncontrollable intercourse with me coming and coming, and I think he did too, several times, if that was possible! I was too wrapped up in carnal lust to really tell.

He had to leave my second breast for nearly an hour because he said he wouldn't be able to concentrate.

"I need something to sustain me," he said, as if it was a trial!

So, we went into the kitchen and I made him a snack.

Then he had to 'examine' his work, which led him to examining the rest of me. Suddenly he swung me up and popped me on the kitchen table; he pulled me towards him, so I perched on the edge with my legs dangling each side of him as he slipped inside me, pulling me to him each time as he held my buttocks, gazing into my eyes and the table rocking. I kissed his mouth in between my gasping at the erotic friction that was cresting in my vagina, and then we both came.

Well, that's how you do it in the kitchen, is it?

"I'll do your other nipple now, I can't possibly get another erection tonight; you've exhausted me."

"Oh poor baby! And this was supposed to be to say thanks," I mocked.

"You're so wicked."

He started on my left nipple, standing over me with a leg each side of me. For someone who thought he was spent, he was stiffening again after only three letters!

"Gosh, this is so sensual and seductive. I think you should have more tattoos after all," he said, huskily.

We had intercourse again before he managed to finish my tattoo and I felt so weak I wasn't sure I could even get upstairs.

"I think I'm shagged silly. Isn't that what they say?" I said.

"You and me both!"

Luckily, he still had some energy; he picked me up in his muscular arms, carrying me upstairs kissing my throat as I clung to him with my arms round his neck. We tumbled into bed and he found the strength to suck each breast tenderly. They were a little sore.

"Mmm, you're all mine and I love you."

"I love you too."

"Mmm, you certainly do."

And he fell asleep with a smile across his face, just like that, in a second! I snuggled up to him and fell into a contented sleep.

The following morning I felt I had run a marathon. I ached all over and when Dominic drew me towards him, I winced as our naked chests made contact.

"Oh sweet," he said and gently kissed each breast, but even that hurt. He pampered me all morning, massaging my leg muscles and shoulders with scented oil. Then he ran a bubble bath for me while he made brunch. Mmm, I sighed, stretching myself, purring, under the bubbles - he is my love slave!

Late morning he went home and I started packing things for going away for the next three weeks. I decided to wear my cream suit for the christening which was lovely; and Squidge didn't cry even when he was dunked...after all he was named after me and I'm addicted to water! We also had a gloriously sociable weekend, Dominic really clicking with Dawn and Raphael.

Egypt was amazing; swimming again in the warm water with Dominic and his friends, who had flown in. There were plenty of scattered remains to explore, with cannons, anchors and the occasional gold coin or pottery artefacts. Of course, the fish and fauna were what I loved most. I taught Dominic and the crew how to catch fish, and Dominic prepared and cooked them. I was back in my world. Diving every day and living on my yacht with Dominic. And when I got home there would be Joel and Nadine. I was sublimely happy and I knew I was glowing like a beacon. I felt settled; I had a future, one that I could never have dreamt up only three and half years ago, when I thought my world had fallen apart.

Nadine had her twenty-first birthday party in the restaurant and Joel asked Dominic if he could marry Nadine.

"She's very bossy; she will have your life mapped out," Dominic said, grinning.

"That's Ok; I like a bossy woman; you know where you stand with them, and I can put my foot down if necessary."

Dominic laughed, grabbing hold of Joel's hand as he put his arm about his broad shoulders. "You're great for her and I like the way you treat her. You have my blessing."

I thought how Joel was so like my dad and smiled inwardly; he would be a good husband just like Dad. That's why Mum still loved him.

Dominic insisted on them having an engagement celebration and we arranged it for the end of July, when Mel and Mum would be back here. I sent out invitations to Chloe, Chrissie, Karen, and, reluctantly, Ben. Chloe rang me as soon as she must have received her invitation.

"If it's Ok I've arranged to come over to stay with you like you asked, a week before the party and for a week after. Oliver will be coming a few days after me."

Oh cricks - I would still be in America promoting the music album that Joel had arranged, but I couldn't say I was busy again. I would just have to come home early and leave him and Dominic to finish the promotion. "Oh that will be wonderful. I will have you all to myself."

When I told Dominic he winced, but shrugged. "Can't be helped; we could go a little earlier to the Dominican Republic to do the pirate filming and I will try and arrange for you and your interviews to be done as soon as we leave there and get to America. Joel and I can stay and finish the tour. After all, it will only be for another week after you have gone. It will be nice for you and Chloe too, without me around."

He was always so thoughtful; never a sulk when things didn't go his way.

He hadn't really moved in, but he was staying every other night with me now. One night when we were in bed and had finished making love, we heard Joel come in. It was very late. Dominic turned and looked at me,

"Do you think he and Nadine have.... You know yet?"

Oh, I knew they had! One day when I came home unexpectedly, they were in the swimming pool naked and so occupied they hadn't heard me. I had given Joel a talk about being careful and he had cracked up.

"Mum, is this my birds and bees talk? If so, it's a bit late and I'm not irresponsible and neither is Nadine."

Now I said to Dominic, chuckling, "Made love yet!" as he obviously couldn't say it, because it was his _little_ girl.

Then he must have noticed my features. "Oh, they have."

"I think after we all got back from Spain."

"That far back; I suppose she is happy in that direction with Joel."

"Why don't you ask her?"

"I can't, could you?"

What!... Like she's going to tell her boyfriend's mum! "I know we're close, but I don't think so. I have never asked Chloe," but maybe I should. "It's sort of private."

"Mmm, suppose so."

In the middle of June, Dominic and I with Fabien, Loan and his wife Eva; - I would have female company so that would be nice - flew to the Dominican Republic where the famous Captain Kidd was supposed to have lost his ship. Eva was great and easy to get on with, but she hated diving so she did the cooking and kept us organized. We dived for four days and it was like swimming off Barbados. The aqua waters clear, the coral so bright along with the plants and fish and the shipwrecks hung with trailing weeds, studded with shining barnacles. Coming up through a rugged hole in one of the old ships with my camera, I came face to face with a shark, his eyes black, dead, and his teeth glittering. I think he was as surprised as I was, but my heart stopped and I couldn't move; I was petrified. Suddenly Dominic was between the shark and me, but I was transfixed with fright. He pinched my arm so it hurt and it made me take my eyes from the shark's face and look at him; he motioned for us to go up slowly, him dragging me and me shielded by him. We glided slowly into the light as the shark circled us. All I could think was I would never make the surface; it was claustrophobic, and I wanted to scream. Was this it for me? Would I never see my kids again? When we reached the platform I scrambled with Dominic's help onto it, he followed heaving himself on.

I was trembling all over, my teeth chattering and I wondered where Fabien was, as he had gone down with us. I scanned the sea and his head popped out of the water like a floating ball and my insides turned over; but his body swiftly followed and he heaved himself on board the platform. Dominic tried to get me to climb up the boat ladder but my legs wouldn't cooperate and my teeth were rattling inside my skull. After that, I didn't get back into the water for the next three days and then only in the shallows. Luckily, we had enough film.

Joel picked us up from the airport in America as he had flown in from France the day before...while we were filming and nearly being eaten! Dominic had stopped worrying about leaving Joel with Nadine after I said they had obviously made love. When we got to the very luxurious hotel, we had a surprise; Nadine had come with Joel. That evening I wore my ice blue dress that I had packed, just in case... It had been travelling around with me.

Dominic's eyes nearly swivelled in his sockets, "When did you buy that?"

"That's the one I told her to buy for Chloe's wedding." Nadine

said.

"You wore _that_ in Antigua? No wonder Scott was beside himself and...." his voice trailed off, as he realized Joel was there. I knew he was going to add Ben.

We went to a lovely restaurant, sat by the window watching the sunset over the bay, and had a delicious meal with good wine. Americans can cook more than burgers and fries. Dominic kept glancing at me all evening with such desire in his eyes, I felt embarrassed with the kids looking on. However, they only had eyes for each other.

Back in the hotel Dominic lay naked on the bed with his hands behind his head, watching me slip my dress off. It went with a rustle to the floor and staring at him, I stepped out of it still with my high-heeled shoes on and walked slowly, seductively towards him. I saw him gulp, but he didn't move. Hmm, so I climbed onto the bed and crawled above him on my hands and knees; he gulped again; I kissed him lightly on the lips. I saw his arms go to move, but then he stopped himself, a smile flickered across his face. I gave him more little kisses on the mouth, nibbling and grazing his lips. He angled his head slightly, stretching to meet my kisses. I knew he was toying with grabbing me and kissing me properly; his eyes said, but I could see he was wondering what I might do next and he stayed motionless.

Right!

I kissed his neck, kissed his chest, still on my hands and knees with my round globules hanging. I was surprised he had not attempted to hold those! I grinned to myself; who would have thought a year ago that I had enough confidence to act like this. I kissed his hard stomach and I heard him give a sharp intake of breath. He was gloriously large; he had been from the moment I had dropped my dress, so I bent my head and kissed the tip of his erection. I heard him gasp and lay there for a while, not breathing, as I teased him. Suddenly he grabbed me under my armpits and hauled me up the length of his body, flipped me on my back and inserted himself deeply into me. It was so quick I hardly had time to think. His hands found my breast in ravishment and he captured my mouth, moving on top of me, thrusting and jerking his thighs, screwing himself up into me, as his tongue, duelling, danced in my throat. He seemed to be overcome with desire, unusual for him so quickly, but my insides were on fire like him. His chest glistened with heat and my senses, in tune with every part of his body, leapt with electricity that buzzed between us. Prickly tingles ebbed along the back of my legs and buttocks at his demand. I weaved my legs round his twisting body as I started to come; I panted, he breathed hard, he started to tremble and I held my breath, and we crested with an explosion rippling through us as our tongues collided feverishly, but it never stopped my gurgling cry and he groaned, shuddering so much it vibrated both out bodies.

He fell away from me and with his arms quivering, gathered me to his side. He tucked my hair behind my ear, grazing my neck with his lips, and we lay quietly until we could both breathe normally again. Twisting towards me, he covered my mouth with nibbling kisses sometimes with his mouth closed and sometimes with his mouth open and I responded matching his kisses. Eventually we slowed, snuggled together, and fell asleep.

I loved us all being together. Nadine and I would fall about convulsed with laughter, and Joel and Dominic would raise their eyebrows at each other as if we were mad. Nadine and I went shopping for a dress each, for her and Joel's engagement party and the men went swimming in the hotel pool.

While we were shopping Nadine said, "After the summer will you come with me to Paris again! Just you and me, and help me choose my wedding dress."

My eyes glistened with tears and my heart filled with love for this beautiful, thoughtful and loving child and I couldn't answer her, only nod, and she hugged me tightly.

The tour was tiring, but enjoyable. Dominic and I sang at several venues, and I began singing 'wildly,' as my confidence grew and his music stirred my soul; at least that was what Dominic said, and he loved it. As soon as the concerts finished, we would rush to bed where he would pounce on me, the singing together our foreplay.

# CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

### Ben - back in my life

After ten days, Nadine and I returned to France, two days before Chloe was due. She phoned the night before she was to arrive saying she would collect a hired car at the airport.

"There's no need; I shall pick you up. I have plenty of cars for you to use here." But she insisted and it wasn't until she turned up at the door that I found out why. Flinging the door open, the welcoming words died in my throat.

With her was Ben!

Stunned, I stood there, my jaw gaping, and then annoyance crept through me. Ben stepped inside into the cool hall, kissed me on my cheek, beaming, followed by a sheepish Chloe.

"Thought I would come early with Chloe," he said matter-of-factly. "This is a rather lovely house and you look wonderfully radiant."

So, did he! Lucy leaving him had bought back his spark. His hair was blond, touched up expertly with no sign of grey, his round stomach gone. I did not intend to tell him though.

"Where are you planning to stay?" I asked, knowing the answer, but hoping I was wrong.

"Well here, if you don't mind; you have enough room surely."

They strolled through to the back and I heard silent Chloe gasp at the view.

"I do mind actually, it's a bit awkward really."

"Where do you suggest I stop then?" he asked, swinging round to stare at me.

Before I had a chance to answer, Chloe started pleading. "Oh, please Mum; it will be so nice for us to all be together for a while; I can't let Dad go and stay by himself and I was looking forward to being with you and I thought you were too."

It was emotional blackmail and she knew it! So did Ben; his lips held a twitch of laughter and his breath-taking blue eyes twinkled. I gave a helpless gesture.

"Where's Joel? Working?" Chloe asked.

"No, in America; he'll be back soon. I'll take you to your rooms then."

I put Ben as far away from my room as was possible. I gave Chloe the room overlooking the sea, decorated in pale cream and white; it's the colours she likes. It was nearly lunchtime and I had prepared lunch by the glistening pool. I left them to unpack; and went to lay another place at the table, pinning down the table cloth as it flapped in the light breeze from the open doors.

Maybe it won't be too bad, I told myself like an optimistic school dunce and wondering if I should phone Dominic; I didn't want him to get upset. However, he would phone later tonight, so I decided to wait to tell him then, as if it was no big deal.

Ben was oozing charm and we had a relaxing lunch; later the three of us went swimming in the sea. Ben's body was looking great; he must have been working out. He tried several times to take hold of me, but I just dodged him and suggested I showed him over my yacht. He roamed over it, with Chloe the only one showing interest. I was beginning to feel tense. I showered, made dinner and we sat around the pool playing cards.

When my phone rung it made my heart jump into my throat and nearly threatened to come out of my mouth with a shriek. I knew it was Dominic so I ambled onto the terrace to talk.

"Hi sugar, love you and miss you. How's Chloe? Are you having fun?"

"She's brought Ben with her," I said in a low voice.

"He's not staying in the house, is he?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. Chloe got upset when I said he couldn't stay. Could you get home earlier please?"

He went silent, "Don't you trust yourself with him."

"Oh don't be silly. It's just awkward and .... Can't you come back sooner?"

"I'll try; I'll see if I can get a flight tomorrow. We're done here really anyway. I'll phone you when I know."

When I came back to the pool, Chloe had gone to bed. I did not intend to have a late tete-a-tete with Ben. I started clearing up, with Ben's help! I could count the times he had helped me with any household chores on one hand! I groaned inside. I wish he would clear off and go to bed.

"Is there anything you want before you go to bed?

"Only you would be good." He grasped my hand and tried to pull me towards him, his blue eyes like deep pools, as his lips curled in a grin, his teeth sparkling white.

"Ben, stop it. I'm not interested. "

"Mmm, until you notice how I've really changed, ... except in my love for you."

"Oh pl-ease," I said. "I'm not taken in by your charm anymore and I have changed too."

His sapphire eyes looked appealingly at me. "I will do anything, anything to get you back. I'm really, really sorry for what I did to you."

"Well, it's too late. I'm in love with someone else now and I really, really love him," I said, mocking his sentence.

"What, more than you loved me?"

"What I feel for Dominic is nothing like the love I _thought_ I felt for you. And he's honest and faithful; does anything to make me happy."

"Oh good for him;" he pouted. "I'm willing to _even_ live here, near the sea, if that's what you want; anything for us to be together again. I'll do anything for you; just say. My, you look so damned attractive."

"I'm going to bed."

"If he loves you so much and you love him, why aren't you at least living with him?"

"Because he is in America with Joel at the moment. Do you realize that you haven't once asked about Joel or the girl he's going to marry?"

"I thought I would find out soon enough."

"I'll take you to meet her tomorrow; we'll have lunch in her restaurant. And you behave yourself with her."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I know what you're like with a beautiful young girl."

"What, just because Lucy was younger than you, you think I go after all young girls."

"I know you do. Like with Annabelle... and Karen. You see I know, and you've been here only a few hours and you're lying to me."

"I wasn't lying; just didn't want to hurt you. I wouldn't need anyone else if I had you back. I promise; I've learnt my lesson."

"You're not listening to what I am saying are you?" I shrugged, shaking my head. "I'm going to bed."

"It would make Chloe happy too."

Oh, that was a cheap shot!

I tossed and turned all night, dozing fretfully. In the end, I got up, went downstairs, and worked on one of my books. I was doing another children's storybook, this time about the tales in the Caribbean. I heard Chloe come down and she strolled into the study and stood watching me for a second, looking cuddly and warm from being only half a wake, and my heart flipped with love for her. Then she said,

"Dad looks good doesn't he?"

I packed up my story.

"I suppose so. Want some breakfast?" I was not going to talk with her about Ben. "How are you? What have you been up to?"

"Nothing much, just having fun; although we have been trying for a baby but no luck."

"Well, I'm sure you'll conceive soon. Try while you're relaxing here; after all, I was conceived near here." Then I wondered. "Do you find love making pleasant and satisfying? Does Oliver make you feel good?"

"Mu-um!"

She blushed and I laughed.

"I hope you do, because it is important." I changed the subject. "I thought if it was Ok, I might come and visit you in October. I'm coming to England then on a tour and picking Mum up. She's coming back with me."

"Yes I'd like that. Do you honestly not love Dad anymore? I would adore you to get back with him."

I sighed. "Yes, so you have said. Sorry, I'm in love with Dominic and I'm not going to talk about it with you."

Then the phone went. "Hi sugar, we have a flight in a few hours; should be home in the early hours. Are you alright?"

"Sort off;" I went into the next room, "it's just that Chloe and Ben won't listen to me telling them I love _you_ now. It's rather wearing." I sighed. "We're going to see Nadine for lunch."

"I'll be home soon. I'll convince them. Give Nadine my love and tell her we have an earlier flight. I'll come straight to you, stay, and see her tomorrow. Love you. "

Later we went down to the harbour and I showed Ben and Chloe my offices and introduced them to everyone. Ben was impressed; I could see him summing it up in his head. He had already taken over. I sighed; the old feeling of being stiff and anxious around him was back. How was I going to get rid of him?

Nadine and Chloe hugged and said how nice it was to see each other again. I think it was politeness on both their parts. Ben was charming, but not in a lecherous way. He was determined to show me he had changed. We had delicious spaghetti, with wine and Ben said that Joel had always loved his food and trust him to be marrying such a good cook. I asked Nadine to come back home with us and I swam in the sea with her while the others sat drinking on the terrace...watching.

"Ben is good looking, isn't he?" Nadine said, gazing at me to see my reaction; I shrugged. I'm sure she could see I was upset about something. Smiling she added, "But I think Joel is more handsome."

"Are you missing him?"

"Wow, yes and I've decided I want him to move in with me when he gets back. I cannot bear him being away from me, even for a night. What do you think Papa will say?"

I smothered a chuckle; her face was so serious. "Mmm, does Joel give you satisfaction when you make love?"

"Oh yes, he's very passionate," she giggled. "Do you think Papa will ask that?"

Laughing, I hugged her; she was not like Chloe, all coy. She stayed for evening dinner, which made it easier for me, and Ben was bubbly and amusing. Even I felt my heart softening towards him. After Nadine left, I made some hot chocolate just like Chloe and Ben liked. I cleared up with both of them helping.... that was twice. Then we went upstairs to go to bed. Chloe kissed me goodnight and disappeared. Ben bent to kiss me and I held up my cheek but he grabbed hold of my shoulders twisting me towards him kissing me fully on the mouth. I pulled myself away from him, said goodnight and scuttled into my room like a frightened deer caught by huntsmen.

I tried to stay awake for Dominic, but I was asleep when he slipped into bed.

"Hi, sleepy head."

He wrapped his arms around me and I snuggled into his broad chest. He kissed me; nothing like Ben's; my stomach flipped over and he asked if I was Ok. He looked very tired, and we fell asleep. I woke about six in the morning and watched Dominic sleeping, the sun streaming in through the voile curtains and shining on him like a shaft of gold. He was so beautiful, his dark hair splayed on the pillow, his long black lashes curled on his dimpled cheekbones, and his full sensuous lips that had a slight smile as he slept peacefully; my heart filled with love. I leant over, kissing him softly on his mouth and he moaned and pulled me in closer to him. I giggled and kissed him lightly again as I wiggled away from him. I grabbed a towel and twisted it round me, ran down and out into the garden and into the sea. It was so invigorating and I loved the feel of the water over my nakedness. I swam out for a few hundred metres, turned and swam back when Dominic popped up, grinning.

"Thought you'd go swimming without me, huh?"

"Sorry; I didn't mean to wake you."

"Oh I'm awake all right," he glanced down at his erection, "And I have missed you."

"Clearly," and I swam into his arms.

We rolled, splashing and kissing, gliding our hands over naked silky wet physiques, making our way slowly to the shallows of the shore and as he penetrated me, the waves cascaded over our bodies. When we kissed, water came rippling into our mouths, and a crashing of water soared between our bellies as we rose and fell together; it was very erotic. I was aroused to such an emotional state that I was trembling from head to toe when I peaked, with the biggest explosion inside me; I thought I had burst, and I think Dominic was the same as he yelled out my name.

When we fell limp into the water, like we had been electronically shocked, Dominic started sending little splashes at me. I splashed him back and suddenly we were laughing and trying to drown each other. Because I was losing, I ran up the beach, picking up my towel and ran into the kitchen where Dominic caught me. He pressed himself against me and I dropped my towel; he grasped my waist and sat me on the worktop where he started to caress my lips with one hand behind my head and the other on my bum and our bare chests locked together.

"I think we should take this upstairs; my children are here," I said, between kisses.

"Mmm... Ok. You taste wonderful." Dominic bent down and collected our towels off the floor just as I noticed Ben, standing in the doorway, aghast; whether it was from what he had seen or the fact that I was sitting naked I wasn't sure. However, Dominic didn't care for it and draped me swiftly in the soft folds of the towel. I jumped down off the bench.

"Er, this is Ben; Ben this is Dominic. We were just going to make a drink. Want coffee?"

Ben's mosaic eyes narrowed, going different shades. Oh dear!

"How about you Dominic? Want some juice?"

I switched the coffee percolator on and poured a glass of juice, all in silence. The two men eyed each other. Suddenly Joel appeared. He looked towards his dad and Dominic, smirked, kissed his father's cheek and hugged me.

"Are you cooking Mum? I'm starving."

Oh, thank you Joel.

"How about crepes?" Dominic said, spinning round. "I'll cook them; Joel you go and get that jar of chocolate I bought for your mum's crepes; it's in your case."

Dominic reached for the frying pan, got out the plates, found a bowl...he was showing Ben how he knew where everything was and how at home he was. I escaped to the terrace, swaddled in my towel like a mummy, armed with a tablecloth and cutlery. Then I raced upstairs, slipped on my long green shirt, and met Joel coming down.

"Like pistols at dawn, those two," he said chuckling. "What happened?"

"Oh, don't ask." The only thing that could have been worse for me was if Chloe had walked in on us.

To say breakfast was a little tense would be an understatement, and if looks could kill, Dominic would be dead. Halfway through, Chloe wandered in, still half full of sleep.

"Mmm, smelt your pancakes; woke me up, it's a bit early though, only seven thirty." Then she noticed Joel; she ran a hand though her tangled hair, bent down and hung round Joel's neck, kissed his cheek, yawned and said, "Have you just got in? And congrats; captured at last then?" Standing up she came face to face with Dominic. "Oh, hallo."

Dominic grinned at her, raising one eyebrow. She was dressed in a short pink nighty; her long blond hair tumbled down her back to her waist and she looked incredibly beautiful.

"This is Dominic; he cooked the pancakes. Want some?" I asked. His name seemed to bring her awake and she glared at him. I turned to Dominic, "This is my daughter Chloe." Dominic nodded his greeting, pulled out a chair, and handed her the plate of pancakes. Chloe now seemed to add to the atmosphere around the table. It was too early for me to confront this and I decided to go and shower and leave them all to it. After all Dominic said he would convince them ....

As I arrived back downstairs, Dominic went up to shower. Joel had also gone for a shower and Ben and Chloe were sitting drinking coffee at the table chatting, until they saw me; they stopped their talking, both staring up at me, Ben his eyes steely.

"Well what plans have you for today?" I enquired trying to keep the tone light, ignoring their gazes. They shook their heads. "I have to go shopping; I need to stock up; want to come?" This was meant to Chloe, as usually it was the last thing Ben would do, go food shopping; so I groaned inwardly when he said he would come. Smiling, keeping it casual as if I didn't care, I said, "Oh good. I can do with help to carry the bags."

"I think I'll stop here and work on my tan if you don't mind and I have to pick Oliver up later," said Chloe, rushing off; she wanted out!

Oh no, just Ben and me then; this was great!

Dominic and Joel came out onto the terrace.

"Well we're off to see Nadine; see you later for lunch. What are you doing?" Dominic asked.

"Food shopping.... with Ben."

I saw his lips twitch, but he didn't say anything. He knew I hated shopping and with Ben too!

"Can you get me some more of that apricot preserve?" he said, bending and giving me a long kiss on my mouth.

Glancing up, Ben was smouldering; I expected to see fire soon, coming out of his nostrils.

Joel said to Ben. "I thought you might like to come and see my offices and the work I'm doing."

"Mum showed me yesterday," then he caught the look in my eye and said, "Oh, Ok after lunch then, when I've finished helping Mum."

Chloe, returning downstairs as they waved goodbye and looking sexy in her bikini said, "Was that Nadine's father?"

I nodded and Ben said, "Oh great!"

"Yes, it is rather," deliberately misinterpreting his remark, and I just couldn't resist, "keeps it family like."

At this point, Chloe, I think, had had enough. "I'm going down to the beach; bye, see you later."

I cleared the table, taking the things through to the kitchen. I knew Ben had something to say or he would explode. For once, my heart didn't pound and my stomach didn't churn. I put the dirty plates in the dishwasher and as I straightened up and shut it, Ben pushed me up against the wall and shoved his body against mine. I had a hard time not laughing; instead, I slapped his face, and tried to shove him away; he smirked, not moving. Dominic and my antics in the kitchen had clearly not put him off me; quite the reverse! I glared at him and, chuckling, he suddenly lifted himself away from me.

He said, "I never knew you were so wanton." His eyes held lust.

"I wasn't with you. With Dominic, I can't get enough! We do it anywhere, in the house, garden, and pool and in the sea most mornings. It's very satisfying."

His eyes twisted into the darkness of a night sky. I had a string-strapped tee shirt on with no bra and he suddenly reached across and pulled it down; it slipped off one shoulder, and one of my breasts became exposed. He stared, popeyed at my green, tattooed nipple. This is what he had seen earlier and couldn't believe it, and why he looked like a goldfish out of water. I had forgotten about them; I thought it was just my nakedness with Dominic.

I didn't attempt to pull it back up.... I let him stare.

"I think _that_ is disgusting. I can't believe you let him have that done to you."

I cracked up; "It was a present."

"A present! What sort of present is that? He should be ashamed of himself, having you marked like that."

Again, I laughed, covering myself up. "It was _my_ present to _him_ , _my_ idea and Dominic did them, personally, himself, which was an incredible blast."

He was so astonished he staggered back and slumped into a chair.

"Are you still coming shopping? If so, I'll be ready in ten minutes. I was hoping he, at last, had got the message.

I don't know if it suddenly become a game after that, determined, as usual, to get his own way, or if he was genuine and did love me in _his_ own way. Whatever he was up to, it had me bemused. He did come shopping, and was in such good humour that I was in fits of laughter; yes, laughing like a hyena with him; it even awoke memories of why it was I fell for him in the beginning. However, somewhere in our marriage the laughter had melted away. He was oh so sweet, reminding me of Dominic's preserves and picking out things he knew I and the children liked, which really threw me off balance. I didn't realize he knew such things about any of us. We went home, unpacked and Chloe followed us down, in her hired car, to Nadine's for lunch as she was going directly after lunch to pick Oliver up at the airport.

We all had a most pleasant lunch, the atmosphere lazy; Ben even laughed a couple of times with Dominic. Although Dominic I felt sure was just being polite, as his laughter was usually like a gurgling spring, and it wasn't today. Then Joel and Ben went off to his office and Dominic and I went home to my place, with Nadine saying she would be coming later with Joel.

Good, we had the house to ourselves,

"You haven't said anything about Ben."

"What do you want me to say? I don't like him, I don't like him being in this house, and I hate the way he looks at and talks to you as if you are still his, not mine. For your sake, because of how Chloe is to you, and I can't bear the hurt in your eyes, I don't want to cause trouble; so I'm trying to be nice. I don't want to talk about him anymore, and the sooner he gets out of our lives the better."

It was the first time I had ever really seen Dominic properly angry; even that time I had compared him to Ben was mild to the anger crossing his features now. He was always so easy going and the most unmoody person I had ever known. He poured himself and me a glass of wine, put on our favourite music album at blasting sound, and strolled through to the terrace slouching in a chair. When he had drained his drink, he pulled me up from my chair where I sat silently sipping my wine and gathered me into his arms, dancing me round and round to the music, touching my neck with his lips which sent my body sizzling.

"Let's carry on where we left off this morning. I haven't had my fill of you yet," he said, his anger gone as he nuzzled my neck.

Funny, I thought it was me that got filled with him! "Not in the kitchen though; upstairs."

He chuckled, swept me off my feet, and carried me upstairs. I loved him doing that - so romantic, especially with the music floating in the air. Our bedroom was stifling, Dominic threw open the balcony windows, and a cool breeze curved its way round our naked bodies. He held me to him, his tongue and mouth moving softly with mine, his bare body warm against me and his masculine scent made me shiver; he sniggered at my already aroused state, just with his kisses.

"Oh, I do love you," he cooed into my neck, his lips sweeping their way up my throat to my mouth again, where he gave me the kiss where I couldn't think.

"That's wicked," I said and kissed his chest and nipped his nipples, slipping my hand down to his erection, but he grabbed my wrist, stopping me.

"No, I'm going to love _you_ to bits until you can't take anymore."

I giggled; who was I to argue?

He twisted me over so I lay on my stomach against the cool cotton sheet, kissing and flicking me with his tongue along the curve of my spine. I got goose bumps on top of goose bumps; they crept up my insides, down my legs, across my buttocks and even into my toes! When he'd finished, me writhing like a snake, he turned me onto my back again, clasped both my hands, whilst caressing my lips, and pulled my arms straight up above me, stretching me taut, holding my wrists gently to the contour of the pillows, with a rueful grin and one long leg holding me down over my belly. He gave me a toe-curling kiss, teased my mouth, and I squealed, wriggling, trying to free my wrists. He chortled because I couldn't. Then he stroked me with his mouth across my breasts, and began licking my erect nipples like ice cream. His gentleness was desperately seductive, and I tried to free my arms once more; smiling devilishly, he took the tingling tip of each of my mounds into his warm mouth, sucked and flicked his tongue about. My legs, which had been thrashing about, fell open. He removed his leg and shifted, angling his head so his mouth slid down to my belly to the cradle of my hips; I squirmed, jerking with bliss, the desire running out of my insides. Then he let go of my arms; my fingers desperately ruffled his hair as he continued slipping his caressing lips lightly down to my toes, and I dug my fingers into his back, my belly sucked in with quivers. Slowly he came back up. I was shuddering now, like the earth was trembling, with prickling dizzy peaks of desire. He reached my vagina and what he did with his tongue had me in loud cries, hollers of rupture I was unable to stop, until I yelled at him,

"Please Dominic; I can't bear the wait any longer."

He hooted loudly and chuckling, but not hurrying, traced his long slim finger in a path from my inner thigh to the junction of my legs, twirling my pubic hair with his finger; then he found my secret sweet spot and began massaging me. I bit back another groan; then he climbed on top of me, grasping hold of my arms again and pinning them above my head, sliding into me gently, taking it easy, thrusting and screwing me in that slow, provoking way of his, gazing into my eyes. I moaned, my insides doing somersaults, my heart palpitating. With a flicker of amusement, he started grazing my lips and kissing my throat, his rhythm speeding up as he began to lose control. I cried out again with the quaking, torturous pleasure gnawing inside me and then it erupted. I thought I'd come and screamed with the sensation; but then another spasmodic crest swept through me and I shrieked as he simpered, trembling, releasing my arms as his body stiffened and came to a stop.

My bag of bones wobbling, I cuddled up to him and we lay there together, regaining our breathe. Drifting from outside the bedroom windows, we heard some chatter on the terrace below. The music had stopped; we hadn't realized someone was downstairs; they must have heard us! I made Dominic get up and look; it was Chloe and what Dominic assumed was Oliver, and Ben. I nearly died; not Chloe!

Dominic smirked, "You were so loud; I bet Ben has the message now."

He thought it was funny! So I sent him in the shower on his own as punishment and sent him downstairs first, while I had a shower; I wasn't sure how I could face them.

I did pluck some courage from somewhere and got myself down the stairs. I greeted Oliver, the French way and he smirked at me. There was no doubt he had heard, the way he stared at me. Oh, hell! I couldn't look Chloe in the face. Luckily, Joel and Nadine turned up with Sharon and Samuel and after a while, I forgot my embarrassment as we were convulsed with laughter. We had a BBQ on the beach and we all went swimming with Sharon reminding everyone to stop splashing her because.... ' _She hated her hair wet_!'

Nadine started teasing Dominic; they went off, he chasing her, and when I encouraged her to run faster, he turned on me and tried to grab me, chasing me too. He had a hard time capturing us both; we taunted him, and I went into hysterical giggles, unable to run, so of course he caught me. He grabbed hold of me, pushing me down in the foaming waves and Nadine jumped on his wet back trying to rescue me; but he swung her off his back like a half empty flour sack and, still holding me down, rolled us both over in the crystal water, tickling us. Nadine shouted for Joel to rescue her but he couldn't because he was too wrapped in laughter, so we had to surrender. When I made my way back up the beach with one of Dominic's steel arms round my shoulders and the other round Nadine, I saw a fleeting look of sadness cross Chloe's face. I thought it was because Ben and she had never played like that together, but, she later told me, it was because she had realized that Nadine had taken her place as my daughter.

I found that out the following morning when I had come in from dropping Ben and Oliver off at the golf course. Dominic had gone out early, with Nadine, to get provisions for the restaurant. As I climbed out of the car, I heard Chloe and Joel shouting at each other.

"What ever's going on?" I asked, entering the sitting room.

"He's a liar; it's not true," Chloe screamed, tears streaming down her pale face.

"Ask Mum then; better still ask Dad, although don't expect the truth from him. He loves no one but himself; not you, not me, and not Mum. Tell her Mum; tell her you would never go back to him even if Dominic wasn't around because Dad only thinks with his dick, that he has broken your heart and your trust in men, even Dominic and he would _never_ behave like Dad."

"For goodness sake, sit down the pair of you."

They both collapsed in a chair like two deflated balloons - on opposite sides of the room.

"Is it true that Dad had affairs all the time he was married to you?"

"You know it's true; Daddy's girl!" Joel growled.

I threw him a glance, "That's enough." I went across to Chloe and put my arm around her heaving shoulders, "I'm afraid so."

Her tear stained face gazed into mine, "and he even tried it on with Karen when he was living with Lucy?"

I nodded.

"Karen never said."

"Well she wouldn't; he is your father."

"Yeah and a sicko; he destroys everyone around him in order to get what _he_ wants. Look how you and Oliver are arguing over him; and us, now; and you've been horrible to Mum in the past."

"I'm sorry; I'm sorry," she cried, "no wonder Nadine has taken my place as a daughter." And she burst into another bout of tears.

"Go and make us a drink please; I'm gasping," I said to Joel and he strode angrily out of the room.

"It's true that I love Nadine and she is like another daughter to me; but you are my daughter and I love you very much, and I miss how we used to be together terribly. I will always love you, no matter what or how you behave, because you are very precious to me. I could never stop loving you."

We hugged each other and tears welled up in my eyes.

"But you don't love Dad like that?"

"No darling, I don't. You will understand one day when you have your own children. You love them differently, unconditionally; not how you love a partner. I'm sorry, but I love Dominic now."

Joel came back with a tray of tea.

"Dad said you have Dominic's name tattooed round your nipples and you've gone completely mad over him and it's not rational," Chloe said, as I dried her face.

I chuckled, taking the cup of tea from Joel, "Love is never rational; and I am mad about him. I'm sorry to say this but I love him as I never loved your father. And yes, I have tattoos, like Dad said. I like them and Dominic never made me have them done; it was me; I wanted to have it done; it was my idea. Dominic was surprised about me wanting them. He doesn't control me in any way, and never sulks. He has the most easy going nature, makes me laugh and I am my own self; more than that, I have discovered myself through him. I'm a different person to whom Dad knew. And he treats me like I am special."

"I think your tattoos are radical," Joel grinned.

"Did it hurt?" Chloe asked, sniffing, trying to grin.

"Mmm, a bit."

"And this discovery and new person; I heard that yesterday afternoon. Dad said you were never vocal with him but he's not giving you up.... and Oliver thinks you must be the hottest Mum around."

"What's that?" Joel asked.

Chloe giggled; I blushed. "I'm going." I hurriedly left them to it and I heard Joel say,

"Come on tell, sis."

# CHAPTER THIRTY

### Love me enough

When I felt I could face my children again with a bit of dignity, I went to find them. I had been on Spirit all morning avoiding them, cleaning. They were both in the swimming pool, giggling together. That was better.

When they saw me Joel said, "Chloe is thinking of coming here for long weekends every month, because she and Oliver don't work on Fridays. What do you think of that?"

My face lit up, "Oh rea-ally? Would you?"

She laughed at my eagerness, "If this French air has the same effect on me as you and Joel, I'll be pregnant in no time."

Joel swiped her, "That's the last time I tell you anything."

"It seems you're willing to listen to gossip about me," I said.

"Yeah, and it was wicked," he smirked. "But if Nadine finds out I've being blabbing I shall be dead meat; she's not just passionate in bed you know. She can give her dad a hard time over little things, let alone me. Anyhow, I'm not sure it's the air so much as the Rupee's. Now it's your turn Chloe, or am I going to have to ask Oliver if my sister is hot?"

Chloe launched herself at him and he dived under the water like a dolphin and she swam after him; he twisted, laughing at her, holding her at arm's length with one of his muscular arms, just as Dominic, Ben, and Oliver turned up for lunch.

I came up to the house from the beach; what had happened to Ben and the drinks? When I neared the house, I heard raised, angry voices. Not more arguments.

"You know what I find most distasteful about you? The neglect of your son."

"I think Joel is old enough to take care of himself."

"I meant your little son, Aaron. Your wife dumped him on his old auntie and neither of you have bothered to see him. Poor little mite! You should treasure him; he is about the only one you're going to land up with in _your_ old age," Dominic spat.

"Fran will be back with me by then; she will love Aaron, probably like her own in time; you should have seen her with him in Antigua."

"If she _even_ considers going back to you... she is not the woman I thought she was and I wouldn't want her anymore."

"Well good, because she is mine and she has never known what she wants. I always have to tell or persuade her. I know she still loves me; you're just a fling; I know, I've had plenty of those; They don't mean anything. She's just a little miffed at the moment, then she will be back."

"What is this... miffed?"

I stepped into the kitchen, my blood boiling. "It means a little put out, a little annoyed."

I saw Dominic's fists clench and he swept his long fingers across his chin and through his hair. He turned from Ben and came striding towards me; he was dressed to go and help Nadine in the restaurant.

He bent to kiss me and his face was like thunder, his eyes black. "I have never come so close to wanting to hit someone in all my life. I'll see you later," and just pecked me on the cheek and went.

Ben stood there with a crooked, boyish grin. I felt like hitting him then, too. There was no way I was going to let him destroy things between Dominic and me, as he was trying to do. I collected up the drinks, putting them on a tray, too furious to speak.

"How about a kiss, now he's gone?" he said, swaggering and coming close to me.

"Don't start again Ben."

"You didn't mind the other night, just as you went to bed."

"I didn't want an argument because of Chloe. You took advantage."

He laughed heartily, "You're frightened of kissing me! You might like it too much, and it will bring out the old excitement in you, like it used to."

I stared at him. He was not right in the head; what excitement? Hurh! When I was sixteen! "Well you don't excite me anymore."

He laughed again; he didn't believe me.

"Well just try; a proper one; you let Scott kiss you; surely I could have one, for old times' sake. And look how cosy you got with me in Antigua "

"I was not being 'cosy'; it was just fun. And I thought I was a cold bitch? That's what you told me enough times; now it seems I could get excited... You haven't been this enthusiastic towards me since.... I can't remember. Our marriage was a cold one; I always tried to please you, but there was no pleasing you and you never _attempted_ to try or cared about pleasing me or making me happy. It was always about you, even in bed. A life with Dominic will always be warm and loving because we are friends and he cares about my happiness. You were so spoilt as a child; you were surrounded with women who doted on you, no matter how you treated them. Well people have feelings Ben; you can never empathise with others, and it's only your feelings that count. This is all about you wanting to win - like some game."

"Life is a game Fran, and I've sure got feelings now towards you; I could be a friend to you, like Dominic," he leered. "Maybe he's even done me a favour, a new you; I could never resist someone new."

Angry heat crept over me. Dominic had done him a favour! "You're not listening as usual; it's again about _your_ feelings. I am a different person, I am not that naive little woman you married, and you do not excite _me_. I'm not sure I even like you anymore."

"Oh, I could excite you! Let me try; and deep down I know you still love me, not that loser; after all, he does a bit of singing and works in his restaurant," he said. His tone turned husky, and lust flared in his eyes as he came close. "After all, look how he dresses. I can understand the sex bit with him; something different for a while."

I stepped back with the tray of drinks in my hand like a warriors shield, using it for protection. 'The sex bit!' It took all my control to stop myself banging him on the head with the tray! Glaring and screeching like a seagull and unable to stop myself, I added. "Well, you would be over before _I_ had a chance to get excited, just like you used to be." No more could he persuade me because I was miffed!

He was chuckling, but his eyes were dancing darkly; I felt his hot breath ripple my cheek. "I always get what I want, Fran. Always have; and I don't think you want me to stop this 'game'; that's why you're trying to rile me. It's not the first time you've said something similar, but you never complained while we were married."

I shook my head in disbelief. I suppose he did think with his dick just as Joel had said. He thought because he was excited so was I; and it was true, I had never complained. One thing I knew for certainty in my heart, even if Dominic and I were to split there was no way I could go back to Ben. I shuddered at the thought of him and me in bed again.

"Oh Ben; I give up." I said at length limp from my anger. "Our marriage is long over and anything else you think there is or could be between us. I don't care for you anymore. I am with Dominic and I love every bit of him, and he me. I am a completely different woman now."

"Yes, but that's why I want you."

"Not for long and only until the next woman strolled along." Shaking my head, I darted out and delivered the drinks, before he could say any more.

That evening I put on a simple, peach, strapless cotton dress (the sort of dress Chloe would call hippy; but she actually said I looked lovely) with lots of gold bangles and dangly earrings. It was Friday and I sang on music nights now; however, I didn't want to be too dressed up against Dominic and Michael; they always had on their casual long shorts and open shirts.

Spotting Sharon and Samuel, we all made our way to their table, with Joel settling Ben, who smirked at me. I threw him a dirty look before I glanced away. Suddenly Nadine came flying out of the kitchen, like a witch on a broomstick, her eyes flashing dangerously at me.

"How could you Francine? How _could_ you? You have really let the side down. I thought you were all for freedom and feminism."

I hadn't the foggiest idea what she was talking about; then Dominic came up chuckling.

"Think yourself lucky. I've had this most of the evening."

Mystified I asked, "What have I done?"

"You have let him brand you with, with... ownership! It puts back feminism years! _And_ around your breasts," she added as if that made it even worse! Was there anybody that didn't know? I shot a glare at Ben, who sat with a rueful grin on his face as if he was watching a drama on stage. Wasn't it Nadine that sort of suggested it, well at least put the idea into my head?

Sharon was immediately alert, "What have you done," she asked.

I whispered to her.

"Wicked! Let's have a look."

Joel said, "I think it's radical; real cool."

Nadine went up like a rocket. "Well there is no way you're ever putting your stamp of _any_ kind on me. So don't think you can."

He threw back his curly head and roared with laughter, reaching for her wrist, but she dodged him and went stropping off towards the kitchen.

"I suppose having my ring on your finger is not the same thing then," Joel yelled after her.

Dominic said, "Mind; you'll be in trouble for months if you don't watch it." And they both rolled up until Nadine turned round, her eyes blazing at them, like burning daggers. That stopped them dead!

Sharon said, "Show me." I went near to her and pulled the top of my dress away from my chest and she peeped in.

"Can I look too?" Samuel asked.

"No you can't," Dominic said.

"Oh nice; I think it's a great idea," said Sharon.

"So do I. Who did it for you?" asked Samuel.

"Dominic and no, he won't do yours," I said to Sharon.

"Spoil sport," she giggled.

Ben just sat there with his eyes looking steely; funny, my tattoo was not amusing him now...serves him right telling Chloe, who told Joel, who obviously told Nadine.

Just before nine, Michael arrived and he and Dominic dragged out the piano. The crowd was enormous tonight. The stars twinkled in the dark sky, like bright diamonds illuminating the marina with magic. The evening air was warm and you could smell the sea and hear the lap of the rippling waves. Nadine came out with a candelabrum, put it on top of the piano, and lit the candles on the dining tables, spreading enchantment into the night.

Dominic and Michael started to play to the applause of everyone, including me. They played bewitchingly together on the piano and then Dominic played unparalleled on his saxophone, with Michael on the piano. Then Joel got up and said, "Straight from America now, Dominic will sing his top selling record, and, I expect, of the century: Earth Mother. Everyone yelled and whooped and Dominic started playing the intro on the piano with Michael; then, stopping he said, "This is dedicated to the love of my life," and gazing at me, he sang. He was wondrous! I felt tears prickling my eyes; he loved me even after Ben's accusations. At the end, he came and pulled me up from my chair.

Joel went to the mic again, "Now, Earth Mother herself, straight from their success in America; and we now have more of their music albums at the bar, after their last sell out here."

Again, everyone whooped and I started singing; first with Dominic and Michael, then just with Dominic. We sang, gazing at each other, dancing and moving together; everyone watching could feel the sexual electricity between us. Next, I sang on my own and started sizzling, losing my inhibitions in each song as Dominic set my soul on fire with his music, which propagated my wildness, until the whole harbour was rocking. I knew by the astonished expression on Ben's face that he saw the utter oneness that Dominic and I carnally gave off when we sang together and that I was not only half of Dominic but a completely different person to the wife I had ever been to him... the kind he wouldn't want or could intimidate now.

The next morning, after Dominic and I had made love in the sea and we lay in the waves, I told him about Ben and how I had slapped him; and how Chloe had wanted us back together, but now knew why I would never go back to him.

He was silent for a while; I turned and looked at him, and saw conflict in his dark eyes.

"You know it's my birthday next month"

I nodded.

"Well, I know what I want," he propped himself up on one elbow and looked straight down at me, watching for my reaction. "I want you to show me you trust and love me enough to marry me," he rushed on quickly. "I want you to show Ben and especially Chloe; I think it will help her move on, and show the whole damn world that you love me enough to marry me."

Trust you enough; love you enough; his heart was so committed to my happiness and me and not by any marriage ceremony. I suddenly realized that was what it was all about; Ben had never been committed to me or to Lucy; would he ever be to anyone? However, I did trust our love and I loved Dominic enough to marry him, if that was what he wanted. I loved him with all of my being. "Yes, Ok."

He stared for a moment as if he hadn't heard me; then suddenly gurgled with laughter, gathered me towards him and kissed me passionately on my lips, across my eyelids and all over my face; then he calmed down and, smiling like a beacon, gave me a toe curling amorous kiss. "I promise you, you will never regret it."

I knew that he loved me deep in his soul, but I said, "Don't let us say anything until after the party. I don't want to steal Joel and Nadine's moment."

He nodded.

"When shall we get married?"

"On my birthday; that's my present."

"Oh, what are you doing today?" I asked.

"Nothing... Am I?"

"Well I'm meeting Mel, Mum and all their crowd at the airport. They've hired a people carrier for the holidays and I'm picking up Chrissie, Andy, Karen and Mark." Mark had been Oliver's best man; he and Karen had become an 'item' since. He now had a doctor's position at Lincoln hospital. "Then we could go and get it sorted." After all, it was only four weeks away!

We strolled hand in hand up the sandy beach swaddled in our towels, but there was no one about today. By that afternoon, we had made all the arrangements to marry on my little private beach. We only wanted immediate family plus our few special friends, and my family would be here for the summer anyhow. When we arrived back, everyone was in the sitting room watching our music video and as it ended Chloe flung herself at me just like Nadine had with her father. Even Ben was full of praise, putting his arm round me, and kissed my cheek; I saw Dominic's muscles in his face tighten, but his eyes had a glowing radiance that even Ben was unable to put out.

Joel and Nadine had a party to remember; people from all the marinas along the Cap de Adge were there, and it spread the length of our port, which Dominic had decorated with white cloths and candles on tables and coloured lantern lights hung everywhere. We danced in the moonlight, Dominic holding me close like a precious object, practically bouncing with happiness. I avoided Ben. We all sang including Nadine, and we even got Joel, Chloe and Oliver singing too. And Mel's kids' band played 'special' music that together with Dominic's help they had composed for the occasion. Then we had a display of fireworks that lit up the sky with magic, like the feeling I had in my heart. I stood there with Dominic's arm draped round my shoulders, watching Joel and Nadine's animated faces. I glanced over at Chloe holding hands with Oliver, her beautiful face happy - I felt so complete.

The following day I cooked a big meal for Dominic's family and mine, and as we ate it on my terrace, in the dappling shade under the blazing sun, we told them our news. When we lifted our glasses in a toast I looked across at Ben; I saw a wistful look on his face; he knew marriage to me was sacred, even if it hadn't been for him and I was out of his reach.

Chloe was quiet as we drove home from the airport after dropping Ben off. I rubbed her shoulder.

"Hey cheer up! I was in that dark hole, lost, and heartbroken, nearly four years back and look what happened to me. I'm sure Dad will find a new him and life." I prayed that he would.

The next week with my family and Dominic's was utter, pure contentment like I had never experienced before. We went swimming, sailing, diving, and had a fabulous mad day horse riding wildly around the Carmargue. We laughed until we couldn't stand up, all jelling with happiness, and Dominic gave Chloe extra attention and took just her shopping one-day while Oliver played golf: just up Chloe's street. Moreover, much to my amazement Chloe swapped recipes with Nadine and helped her in the restaurant and I saw them giggling together, usually at Joel's expense, but he never cared.

Chloe and I grew close, much like the old days. Kissing me on the day I bought my wedding dress, she said she would be back each month after the wedding and make it her second home and she was very, very happy for me, because Dominic was a lovely person. I thought I would burst with pleasure. Mum, Mel, Chloe, Nadine and I had all gone together to buy my wedding dress: a plain, long, cream silk; slinky, and strapless, the bodice was simple with two scalloped shells, holding my breasts. Mmm, as I looked at myself in the mirror I thought how Dominic would like me in this, that he wouldn't be able to resist me. I laughed to myself, not as though he could anyway. How confident I was about him because of his undisguised feelings and I knew that is how it should be. I would wear my dress with his necklace; I giggled, and Chloe and Nadine gave me a strange look.

* *

I married Dominic on the twenty seventh of August, the day he was forty-two. When the vicar said do you take this woman, Dominic answered, "I do for always and forever, with all the love in my heart." When we were pronounced man and wife, he kissed me, looked up to the blue heavens, and said, "Thanks Papa." I smiled and sent a silent message to my dad too; he surely had met Dominic's father up there and helped bring this lovely man into my life. A man who loved me so much he had helped bring my children back to me and given me _his_ daughter.

We flew to Barbados for our honeymoon. I sat silently, naked on the beach, watching the waves rippling over my bare feet, listening to their hypnotic lapping at the shore.

Dominic strolled out of the sea like a Greek god, his dripping hair catching the rays of the sun, his burnished body wet, and glistening. My heart missed a beat as I watched his narrow hips and long muscular legs come striding towards me; tingling prickles clutched deep inside, and I practically climaxed on the spot. He bent over me and our eyes met; his dark brown, warm eyes, full of love. I lay back upon the powdery sand; he kissed the tip of my nose, sank down beside me, and gathered me to him. As his lips swept softly, like butterfly wings over my closed eyes, I smelt the aroma of salty sea on his skin, felt his hard erection against my belly and lust flared in my loins, and knew I was his and he was mine.

