THANK YOU!
THANK YOU.
SO I AM--I HAVE
A YOUNGER BOYFRIEND NOW.
I LIKE THE LITTLE ONES.
(laughter,
scattered cheers)
YES, I DO LIKE THOSE LITTLE
ONES.
YES, I DO.
UH... MMM.
I AM OFFICIALLY A COUGAR.
HE'S YOUNG AND WHITE.
SO I'M NOT JUST A COUGAR,
I'M A BLACK PANTHER.
(laughter)
YOUNG AND WHITE, AND HE WANTS ME
TO MEET HIS MAMA.
THAT'S GONNA BE A SITUATION.
(laughter)
'CAUSE HE HAS TO TELL HER
TWO THINGS.
HE HAS TO TELL HER I'M OLDER,
AND I'M BLACK.
I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET HER.
'CAUSE I'M GONNA TELL HER.
(whispers) "I GOT
YOUR BABY BOY!"
(laughter)
I'M JOKING.
I MET HER.
I JUST LOVE THAT JOKE
THE WAY I WROTE IT.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE CHANGING IT,
SO...
(laughter)
NO, THEY WERE VERY NICE.
I MEAN, EVERYONE WAS NICE.
IT'S THE HOLIDAYS,
AND THEY KNEW I WAS COMING.
THEY WERE PREPARED.
THEY PUT THEIR STUFF AWAY.
(laughter)
(laughs) EVERYONE WAS NICE,
WHICH ACTUALLY BOTHERED ME,
YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE I KINDA LIKE TO--
YOU KNOW, TO GET WEIRD
AND CRAZY AND AWKWARD
LIKE, I WAS TOO NICE
FOR A COMIC.
LIKE, I WANTED TO REPRESENT,
YOU KNOW, ACT A FOOL.
I WANTED TO GO IN THERE
AND BE LIKE,
YO, WHAT'S UP, (bleep)?
WHAT'S UP?
WHERE'S THE SWEET POTATOES, HUH?
WHERE'S THE SWEET POTATOES?
GOT MY BABY BOY RIGHT HERE?
UH-UH!
(laughter)
BY THE WAY, YOU'RE NOT
A BLACK COMIC UNTIL YOU DO THIS.
UH-UH! (laughs)
BUT I DIDN'T--
I DIDN'T DO THAT.
I BEHAVED, YOU KNOW.
HIS MOM IS ACTUALLY
VERY FUNNY, TOO.
SHE'S NICE.
SHE'S A GIFT GIVER.
SHE WATCHES QVC A LOT.
SHE GAVE ME
THIS LIP PLUMPER.
(laughter)
MM-HMM.
SUPPOSED TO MAKE
YOUR LIPS BIGGER.
(laughter)
DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN
WHY THAT WAS INAPPROPRIATE?
I DON'T NEED THAT.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS
THE WHITEST GUY I'VE EVER DATED.
BY THAT I MEAN HE'S NEVER
BEEN AROUND BLACK PEOPLE
AND I'M GONNA SAY THIS.
I DON'T JUST DATE WHITE GUYS.
I DATE ALL TYPES.
I DON'T CARE.
WELL, WHEN THE ECONOMY IS BAD,
I DATE WHITE GUYS
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE
A STORM IS COMING,
AND I NEED SOMETHING FAST.
BUT THIS IS THE WHITEST GUY
I'VE EVER DATED,
NEVER BEEN
AROUND BLACK PEOPLE.
HIS ONLY EXPERIENCE
WITH BLACK PEOPLE
IS WATCHING "THE WIRE."
(laughter)
OR THE WU TANG CLAN, YOU KNOW?
IT'S WEIRD.
LIKE, I CAUGHT HIM ONE TIME
JUST STARING AT MY HAIR.
(laughter)
YOU KNOW, WE'D BEEN TOGETHER
FOR A WHILE.
HE HADN'T TOUCHED IT.
HE'S JUST LOOKING AT IT.
SO I TOLD HIM, I SAID,
"TOUCH THAT (bleep)."
(laughter)
"PUT YOUR HANDS IN IT."
HE WAS LIKE,
"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I HEARD YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO DO THAT."
(laughter)
MY HAIR GOT WET ONE TIME.
THAT REALLY FREAKED HIM OUT.
HE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
IS THAT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN?
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?"
(laughter)
I LIVE IN HARLEM WHICH I KNOW
IS MAKING HIS MOM NERVOUS,
BUT HARLEM HAS ACTUALLY CHANGED,
LIKE, YOU, GUYS,
YOU CAN GO.
(laughter)
THERE ARE WHITE PEOPLE
IN HARLEM.
AND YOU CAN TELL
'CAUSE WE GOT, LIKE,
THREE STARBUCKS.
SALAD.
(laughter)
WHITE PEOPLE BRING SALAD.
THAT'S NICE.
THE FIRST TIME I SAW
A RIPE TOMATO,
I WAS LIKE, "OOH..."
(light laughter)
THEY COMING."
(laughter and applause)
IT CHANGES SO QUICK,
SO THERE IS A CULTURE CLASH
AND THIS GUY
WAS ACTUALLY UPSET.
HE WAS ON MY BLOCK.
HE WAS GOING OFF.
HE'S LIKE,
"I DON'T LIKE THIS (bleep).
"THIS A REVOLUTION.
"ON THAT BLOCK,
THEY MAKING $100,000!
"DON'T BE COMFORTABLE.
YOU AIN'T SAFE, SON!
"YOU AIN'T SAFE!
DON'T BE COMFORTABLE!
DON'T BE COMFORTABLE!"
MY BOYFRIEND WAS LIKE,
"I AM NOT COMFORTABLE."
(laughter)
