-You guys, this is fun.
"Shark Week" is officially here.
-Yeah.
[ Cheers ]
-And if you're excited
about that,
you're either a marine biologist
or really high.
[ Laughter ]
I read that "Shark Week" started
back in 1988.
Yeah. It's been around
for over 30 years.
Even crazier, they've just been
airing the same ten shows
and nobody's noticed.
[ Laughter ]
Get this, every year there are
about 80 unprovoked
shark attacks.
Yeah, 80 unprovoked attacks.
Or as President Trump
calls that, a weekend.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah!
[ Laughter and cheering ]
-Actually, Trump loves
"Shark Week."
It's the one time he can tweet
"I love great whites"
without being called a racist.
[ Audience "oh"s ]
-Really?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Speaking of the President,
the other day he invited
some reporters in to talk about
how he might put a tax
on French wine.
Even though he doesn't drink,
he still weighed in
on what he thinks about French
wine versus American wine.
Listen to this.
-I've always liked American
wines better than French wines.
Even though I don't drink wine.
[ Laughter ]
I just like the way they look.
[ Laughter ]
-After that, his staffers
were like
everyone on "Family Feud"
after a teammate gives
a weird response.
They're like, "Good answer.
Good --"
[ Laughter ]
Show me
"Like the way they look"!
[ Imitates buzzer ]
Oh, sorry.
[ Laughter ]
It looks -- yeah.
Some more political news.
This week, there are two more
Democratic debates
and tomorrow's airs
at the same time
as "The Bachelorette" finale.
-Ooh.
-So no matter which one
you watch,
you'll see a bunch of sad guys
going home in a limo.
It's just --
[ Laughter ]
No matter what.
But everyone's getting ready
for the next round
of Democratic debates, which are
this Tuesday and Wednesday.
-Oh, man, that's great.
I can't wait to see my favorite
candidate, Eric Swalwell.
[ Light laughter ]
-You didn't hear, Tariq?
Eric Swalwell dropped out
of the race.
He's actually the only candidate
not returning
to this round of debates.
-Are you kidding me
right now?
-No, I'm -- I'm not kidding.
[ Light laughter ]
You liked Eric Swalwell?
-Duh.
Why else would I get
all these shirts made
that say "You can't --"
[ Laughter ]
"You can't spell 'America'
without 'Eric'"?
[ Laughter ]
-I had no idea that --
[ Cheers and applause ]
I had no idea that
you liked him so much.
I -- I --
-I thought everyone did.
[ Light laughter ]
Why else would I get
all these shirts made...
[ Laughter ]
...that say "We don't need
a wall, we need a Swal"?
-Yeah, yeah -- Well, I --
[ Laughter and applause ]
I understand...
it must be upsetting,
but I'm sorry
I had to break it to you
like this.
I mean...
-Man, this is the worst.
Now what am I going to do
with all these shirts...
[ Laughter ]
...that say...
"All's swell that ends Swell"?
[ Laughter ]
-"All's well that's Swalwell"?
-Yeah, yeah, you know
what I mean.
-Well, these shirts are
getting worse and worse.
Tariq, how many shirts
did you get made?
-I mean, who cares?
It doesn't matter anyway.
I mean, who's even replacing him
in the debate?
-A guy named Steve Bullock.
-Oh, man, really?
I love Steve Bullock.
He was my second pick.
[ Light laughter ]
-Please don't tell me
that you --
-Which is why I got all
these shirts made...
[ Laughter ]
...that say, "Don't be fooled by
the rocks that I got.
I'm still Steve from the --
Steve from the Bullock."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-All right, thank you very much.
That's a pretty good one.
Thank you.
Tariq Trotter, everybody.
Tariq, thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheering continues ]
"I'm still Steve
from the Bullock."
-Yeah. "From the Bullock."
"From the Bullock."
-"I'm still Steve
from the Bullock."
-Yeah.
And he's got a bunch of rocks.
-Some --
Some news from overseas.
There are rumors that
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
have banned their neighbors
from talking to them.
-Ooh.
[ Audience "ooh"s ]
-Apparently the neighbors
aren't even allowed
to say "Good morning."
-Oh.
-Right now you're thinking
that's rude,
but you're also
a little jealous.
[ Laughter ]
Check this out.
I heard that soon Teslas
will be able to stream Netflix
on the car's center display.
It's all part of Tesla's plan
to cut down on emissions
and pedestrians.
-Oh.
[ Laughter ]
-Here's some good news
from Washington.
Democrats and Republicans just
worked together to pass a bill
that would block robocalls.
I think it's the one thing --
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's the one thing
we can agree on,
that robocalls are the worst.
-You know what, it's funny,
because I never get robocalls.
-Well, you're one of
the lucky ones,
because they can be
pretty awful.
[ Phone vibrating ]
-Oops, sorry.
Getting a phone call right now.
[ Laughter ]
That's weird.
It's my area code,
but I don't recognize
the number.
-No, Higgins,
that is a robocall.
-No, clearly it's a local call.
-No, no, Higgins, that's what
they do now. That's --
-Probably one of my relatives
from a random line
because their phone broke,
you know.
-No, no, no. That's what
they want you to think.
-No, no, no.
Here, I'll put it on speaker.
You got the Steve.
-Hello, this is a call regarding
your computer's security.
This is an emergency.
-Whoa, good thing I answered.
Huh, smart guy?
-No, no, no --
No, Higgins --
-You must update
your Social Security
information immediately.
-Well, of course.
My Social Security is 9-8-7 --
-No, no.
Higgins, Higgins, Higgins!
-This'll just take a second.
-No, don't --
It's 9 --
-Don't give them or America
your Social Security number
right now.
That's crazy.
-Dude, it's totally cool.
That's why they call it
"Social" Security.
[ Laughter ]
It's meant to be social.
It's meant to be shared.
-No, that's not --
That is not what it means,
actually.
That's not what it --
-No, that's what it means.
No, you got a pen?
It's 9-8-7 --
-Oh, my goodness.
-...6-5-4-3-2-6.
And thank you for looking out
for me.
-I can't believe
you just did that.
That -- it's a total scam.
I mean, if you're not careful
with these calls,
someone's going to steal
your identity.
-[ Laughs ]
Don't worry about it.
Everything is fine.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You just --
just do your monologue.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
-What -- what are you
swiping?
-I'm on Tinder.
-Ah, get out of here.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, this isn't good here, guys.
A woman in Tennessee
was staying at a Hampton Inn
and she woke up when a snake
slithered across her body.
[ Audience "ooh"s ]
Hampton Inn is defending
itself.
They were like, "Well, did our
wake-up call work or not?"
I mean --
[ Laughter ]
And finally, you guys,
I'm excited about this.
Tonight on the show
we have the winner
of the "Fortnite" World Cup
Championship...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...Kyle "Bugha" Giersdorf.
He's just 16 years old
and he won $3 million.
[ Cheers, gasping ]
Right now parents everywhere
are going, "All right,
put down your homework
and go play video games."
