 
Searching the kitchen cupboards, I found nothing. Thoughts about what I had got myself into went through my head in circles and were coming back to the same point. The more I thought about it, the more I clenched my fist in frustration, gritting teeth in an attempt to remain silent. Grabbing the Kitchen cupboard open, I bought my arm back till it couldn't go any further, where I knew the sound of the door slamming would echo of the walls. In a motion, clutching onto the cupboard handle, I flung my hand forward. It was how I wrote my pain without being vocal.

I walked towards the fridge and opened it, stood there staring at empty fridge shelves: still nothing.

A single mother to two young boys named Elijah and Joshua, aged five and three,

whose benefit money I had spent on my last bit of cocaine, left me completely broke.

What kind of mother did this?

Pacing up and down the kitchen, I stopped abruptly, covering my face with my hands in

disbelief, my heart started pounding at a increasingly rapid pace. I shook my head as I felt

like a let-down; like my own useless mother who I had not seen in five years. I stood there reminiscing about Mother, an ex-crack addict named Pauline who would leave me and my siblings in the house under age to be with her boyfriend; a convicted paedophile called Sherman who served time in prison for raping a twelve-year-old child. He was originally from Trinidad and went on to sexually abuse me and my sister. Our mother didn't believe what was going on and was only interested in sleeping with Sherman for free drugs. Eventually he was deported back to Trinidad.

Putting my hands behind my neck, with my head tilted back, I closed my eyes, not wanting to look at the mould that covered most of the ceiling that extended to the sealant on the wall.

The sound of the booming thunder outside crashed down like my guilt that there was no money to buy food to feed my kids. My cocaine habit had basically become my priority.

Taking cocaine was a way to make me feel confident, alert and awake as the stress from looking after two active boys were tiring. It also made me feel confident after the break down of my failed marriage, from my husband Raj.

It had been two years since our separation and he was still refusing to sign divorce papers. I wasn't happy in our marriage and wanted out, after I had caught Raj having phone sex with a mystery woman, realising he was having an affair. Almost certain his reason for not wanting to sign the divorce papers was because he thought it would affect his visa. I knew him too well and after a year of marriage, he started to show his true colours.  
Walking in to the bathroom, the place that became my self-counselling room, I slapped the palms of my hands against my forehead as the tears rolled down from my eyes. The weather outside didn't help neither. The fact that summer was over and it was officially spring seemed to daunt me. Being broke and depressed in the lonely winter.

Walking back to the bedroom, dragging my feet across the dirty stained bright green carpet, I sat on my bed to cradle both my boys Junior and Joshua who had been happily playing with their action toys.

My eyes wailing up, that suddenly dropped tears spilling down my face didn't faze the boys as they showed no emotion, looking at me with stone cold eyes not returning the hug I gave them. Raising their action man toys and crashing it on to the bed, they were used to my constant mini melt downs.  
A knock at the door caused the blood in my body to start pounding in my ears. My heart thudded in my chest so loud that I was sure the Boys could hear. I glanced towards the bedroom door as my jaw dropped, I quickly put each of my hands over the children's mouths.  
'Remember what Mummy taught you?' I whispered.

Elijah and Joshua had already rehearsed what they had to do when the bailiffs came.

The bailiff was banging down the door for a council bill of £600 that I didn't have. All in all the debts added up to £35,000 from nursery fees, gas bills, payday loans, council tax and rent arrears when I lost my job as a trainee hairdresser because the business was not doing well.  
Two minutes later that felt like a life time I crept to the bedroom door, my biggest fear is the floor creaking. slowing putting the door handle down and quickly opening it, trying to avoid the loud creak to see if I could spot the shadow of the bailiff at the door while the boys sat there on the bed looking too frightened to make a sound.

I huffed when I saw the bailiff was still there. He stood at least 6 ft and was solidly built. Elijah looked worried when he knocked again; more rigorously. I winked at my boys, trying to reassure them that everything was going to be okay but this had become a daily routine for the boys and now it was taking its toll on everybody.  
After two more minutes of watching the shadow, he then suddenly left. Turning my back against my bedroom door I placed my hand on my chest with a sigh of relief.

Looking at the boys' sad faces I said, 'I'm sorry', in a low voice. Looking at me in disappointment, Junior glanced away, looking at the window. How long was this going to go on for? How long was I going to carry on hiding from these 'bad guys?' Immediately I went back and sat down on my bed and got my mobile phone from underneath the pillow to call my best friend, Juliet, praying she would answer – something she was terrible at. I had more chances of getting through to the pope I thought, placing the phone to my ear.

Putting the side of my index finger over my lips, I told the boys to be quiet. They were just sat there side to side of each other with their legs crossed. With no facial expressions.

Waiting anxiously on the phone, my heart started racing but after a few seconds she answered.  
'Juliet, my giro hasn't come through and the bailiff was here again,' looking up at the mouldy ceiling, 'please honey can you lend me £20. I have no money to feed the kids.' I began weeping, biting my bottom lip as I waited for her response.  
'Oh my God, yeah okay, don't worry I will do it now I have your details on my Internet banking,' she said in a sympathetic voice.  
Calling my other best friend, Sarah, with the same sob story meant £40 in my account. Feeling some sense of relief because at least the kids could eat dinner but at the same time embarrassment started to slowly over take me as I sat there. In the past it had always been Juliet who came to me in times of need and not me begging her.

Knowing I couldn't buy any drugs as the kids had to come first for once before my own selfish needs I started to write out the shopping list on my phone. Holding the tip of the pen in my mouth, Elijah looked at me with a pissed off expression. Touching his soft cheek I smiled and told him everything was going to be fine. Of course I was lying and deep down I knew he knew this too. He looked away from me as Joshua jumped in my lap wrapping his arms around me.

Trying to cover up the hurt that I was feeling by promising to buy the boys their favourite sweets, I couldn't help but think how much I hated my soon to be ex-husband, Raj, for barely being of any use when it came to how much money I needed. After paying for his visa, the last thing he could have done was return the favour with helping out with more money. It had been two years since our separation and he was still refusing to sign divorce papers.

The boys ran into the living room to watch TV. I could hear them throwing toys and clothes off the sofa to sit down. The flat was in an unliveable condition, not fit enough for a dog to live in, let alone two young boys. The flux leather sofa was badly ripped and mould covered the walls throughout. I never called the landlord because I was in two thousand pounds rent arrears.

Determined to change my boy's life for the better, I grabbed the _Loot_ newspaper from under the bed. Turning the page I looked at the vacancy for escorts as I sat there with one leg crossed over the other. It had been under my bed for some time, it was something I'd been considering for quite a while after my first visit from the bailiff that gave me chance after chance to settle the council tax bill. And now I gave in to temptation for the money and decided to call. Scrolling down the newspaper with my index finger, I looked for an agency to ring.

I called one called Starlight Escorts and was given an interview for the following evening.

Standing up, I began pacing up and down my room, nervously biting my nails and pulling strands out my hair. A common habit whenever I felt on edge.

The boys were bickering in the living room about who was watching what. Elijah was always kind to Joshua every time he cried to watch _Peppa Pig_ but this time Elijah had had enough of Joshua's whining. Having grown out of _Peppa Pig_ , he had insisted he wanted to watch _Spiderman_. The boys had always had a close bond until Junior found out that Raj was not his real dad. He found out in a heated argument a couple of weeks back, when Raj came over to visit the boys and started moaning at me to keep the house clean. We were arguing in my bedroom and things became quite heated. I told Raj he only had rights to tell me what to do with Joshua because he wasn't Elijah's real dad. I thought I had won the argument until I turned my head to my bedroom doorway, where Elijah and Joshua were standing. The look of Elijah's face never left.

Tutting as I stood still, I could still hear the boys arguing, listening to Joshua trying to snatch the remote from Elijah.

Falling on my back on to the bed, resting my crossed fingers on my stomach trying to convince myself my life was going to get better. It had to, but that was down to me. As every minute pasted, I went deeper in to thought. Imagine what life as a Hooker would be like. The correct word was Escort, the fancy word for a prostitute. Well, more of a sugar.

A few hours later, we were shopping in Tesco's, looking around at the sale sections; I was always one for a bargain.

Elijah was walking next to me while Joshua was in the buggy kicking his feet up and down. We were going from aisle to aisle picking up stuff for dinner.  
'Mummy why was you crying?' Elijah asked me with a face like a lost puppy.  
Looking down at him I touched his soft cheeks. 'Don't worry, Mummy is fine now.' Holding the back of his head with the palm of my hand and kissing him softly

Observing the customers, some seemed in the land of the living dead, others seemed in the land of excitement as e couples walked happily holding hands deciding what to have for dinner

Walking past some of Tesco's colourful, gorgeous smelling flowers, I picked up a bunch, rubbing my nose against a bouquet of Seasonal Spring Posy, contemplating whether I should buy a bunch. The exotic smell that got me daydreaming of picking flowers in a park in Jamaica. It was a place I knew I would be able to take the boys, if my new line of work was successful; it was the only way...

We continued to walk through the aisle observing the other customers shopping and staff with s serious looks on their faces. I began secretly picking up groceries and slipping them under Joshua's seat whilst on the lookout for anybody watching. At five and three, the boys already knew how to shoplift, another thing I had rehearsed with them at home. Elijah would help slip things underneath Joshua's bottom, while Joshua would sit with his favourite blanket covering him, something that my useless mother did with my sister, Rachel, my brother, Romeo, and I. Pushing the trolley, without paying attention to where I was going, I couldn't help but think of how much I hated my mother.

Now in the fruit and vegetable section, I dipped my hand in the tomatoes, picked up a nice ripped one and sarcastic smirked as I remember the day police busted through our doors six years ago to arrest Sherman, for raping and breaking the jaw of the twelve-year-old child who refused him sex. Shivering in disgust at all the times he used to have sex with me while my mother listened through my bedroom door.

Finding out he got fifteen years in prison and a deportation order after his sentence for a separate crime was one of the happiness days of my life. Not that my relationship with my mother changed.

I slammed the tomato back down when other thoughts of my childhood saddened me. I was still unable to get over the abortion she forced me to have at fifteen.

Falling slightly forward, an old lady nudged right past me with her shoulder, 'Move will you!'

Not having a problem giving old people a telling off, I raised my index finger, ready when I saw the boys run over to the snack section. I tried to catch up with them, turning my head back at the old lady that was lucky I didn't open my mouth.

'Bitch,' I muttered under my breath,

Reaching out in the deli section , picking up a sandwich for the boys that I had no intentions to pay for, a trait I had learnt from my father, the one who had got my mother on crack cocaine, he was as useless as my mother and spent most of his time in his favourite place, prison!

Standing in the queue, waiting to pay for my shopping, I noticed the boys' mouths covered in mayonnaise. Immediately I whipped away the sauce from their faces so none of the workers realised.

It was my turn paying for the food at the self-checkout, secretly praying in my head for the alarms not to signal of when I left the shop that I was a thief. The last thing I needed was being arrested for stealing and having social services take my kids away. Pushing Elijah forward with my hand, we moved to a till. Giving him the stand still and shut up look.

Humming as I started to scan the shopping on the till, trying to act normal but still looking around at the same time to see if the regular worker who was on the self-check out section was getting suspicious of me. She always had this stern look on her face and never smiled at anybody. She stood with her arms folded and a face of thunder. You could tell she was definitely having one of those days. I jumped back in shock as she approached me, ignoring the old lady next to me who was trying to get her attention. She looked at me in surprise as she took her badge to scan the till that needed authorisation for a pack of paracetamol I was scanning.

Finished having packed the shopping, we headed out the exit door. With one arm around Elijah, everything seemed in slow motion as I closed my eyes slightly hoping for the alarms not to have gone off. This was something I worried about every time I stole. Smiling at the AA company people, advertising products outside, winking at them as my mission was once again accomplished.

Preparing the chicken back at home, a chore I hated, the rotten smell forced me to tilt my head back, to hold my breath through my nose, only using my mouth for five minutes.

The kids were in the living playing with their toys while the _Peppa Pig_ was on in the background on TV. Jeremiah had given in to Joshua's _Peppa Pig_ demands.

I washed the dishes, piling up all of the rinsed plates on top of the dish rack. I then dropped myself on the floor, bottom first. Wrapping my wet arms underneath my knees, bending my torso, I sat on the floor; wet from dripped soap suds. They seeped into my trousers. I began rocking back and forward like a frightened child, thinking about tomorrow. It would be my first night as an escort; if my interview was successful. What if my first client was to kill me?

_No. You're a strong girl, Nicole_. I got up onto my knees.  
Drying off the sink basin, with a cloth, the phone suddenly rang.

It was Brian, a lifelong friend who I had known from primary and secondary school, I used to go out with him.

Drying my phone on my jeans from my wet fingers I pressed it to my ear.

'Hi Brian, how are you?'

'I just come back from the casino – no luck by the way and wanted to ring to check on you.'

Standing against the window sill with one foot against the radio heater, I slapped my hand on my face, while Brian's yapping continued; I hoped he wasn't going to keep me on the phone for too long. It was something he liked to do every time we spoke.

I wanted to tell Brian what I was planning on becoming but I couldn't bring myself to say the words. The boys were getting hyperactive from the sweets I had given to them to keep them quiet. Their excited screams grew louder as they approached the kitchen. I waved them back out to the living room. Typical boys.

'Nicole,' Brian snapped irritation in his voice. He asked me to repeat what he just said, challenging me to see if I was listening.

Sighing, forcefully blowing out air out of my mouth, not taking in anything that he was saying, I finally replied.

'Brian now really is not a good time to talk.'

'So when is a good time to talk?' Irritation in his voice. 'You say this every time I call you.'

'Because you always call at the wrong time, Brian.' Closing my hand in a fist and biting my index finger; I was getting annoyed now. 'You know I have the kids and it's hard for me.'

'So why don't you ever let me help you? After all these years my feelings for you haven't changed, even after the birth of your two kids and you getting married.'

'Why you pressuring me so much?'

'I'm not pressuring you, Nicole, I'm trying to make you understand I still love you and will always be here for you.'

'Goodbye Brian.' I hit the end call button.

Sharing out the dinner, I wondered what life would've been like if I had just given Brian the chance.

_Had I been too hard on him?_ He always made his feelings clear to me. That he would always be there for me. So why did I find it so difficult to be open about the trouble I was having. It was pride; pride in not having to have to go to a man. Especially one that I was constantly pushing away. I had too much ego to then turn around and ask him for his help. But becoming a _prostitute_ , I was now going to have to rely on a man, and more than one.

Forcing a smile as I sat down and ate dinner with the boys who were scoffing their faces like starving children in Africa who had not eaten in months.

Everything just became a blur to me as I wondered what tomorrow would hold?

Waking up after a hard night's sleep with my hand over my head, _eye boogie_ almost blinded me.

Still laying there in a daze not blinking from the nightmare I had just had laying on my back, taking deep breaths in and out as I rested my hands on my stomach.

It was the day of my interview. I dreamed about being kidnapped and made a sex slave and was surrounded in a room full of barbed wire and couldn't escape.

Biting my fingers nervously, I knew I was having second thoughts; maybe I should get into drug selling instead?

The weather outside resembled my current mood, miserable.

Sitting up at the end of the bed, I tried to find the energy to get up and get dressed.

I texted my drug dealer, Malachi, begging him for some cocaine and spliffs to smoke, needing something to relax me. But after all, after what I was going to do, I had to have been on drugs. I warned him I didn't have any money until I got paid and was relieved when he said that was fine.

Elijah and Joshua appeared from out the living room and jumped onto me in the bed with faces full of yogurt that looked like moustaches.

'Mummy are we going to Aunty Juliet's house?' Elijah asked, hugging me. We both looked each other in the eye and began smiling at one another.

'Yes darling.' I put one arm around him, tilting my head down looking at the boys' faces. 'Where did you get food from?'  
Elijah sat up, looking down with a cheeky grin on his face, as he sat there playing with his fingers like he had done something wrong.  
'The fridge,' he answered giggling. He knew I could never be serious when it came to discipline. They both knew I was a softie who would let them get away with almost anything.

Taking the boys by each arm, I gave them a kiss on the forehead each. Closing my eyes for a few seconds, I wondered if it could be one of the last kisses I would give them when dramatic thoughts of the job sprang to mind. Typical me, worrying so much, I created problems that weren't even there.

Rising up and sitting on the edge of my bed I yawned, slipping my feet into my slippers to avoid the coldness of the wooden floor. Sending the boys back to the living room I wrapped my dressing gown around me and went to run the bath. Waiting for the bath, I began to brush my teeth, looking in the mirror. Pausing to look at my reflection, toothpaste dripping down from my lips I realised that today I was finally saying goodbye to any real dignity I had left.

Walking down the road in broad daylight light I had on my tracksuit and Ugg boots. I would change into my skimpy dress and stockings when I got there; it was so cold and windy and Juliet would get suspicious. Pushing Joshua in the buggy while Elijah was holding on to it, it was like every other time we went out on the road. But it wasn't really, was it?

My escort interview was a couple hours away and I was dreading it. I was walking at the back of Hackney town hall to meet my drug dealer and there he was standing in the corner by a tree round the corner from his garage. I knew him from my crack addict father James, when he used to bring me and my sister to the crack den when he used to babysit us.

He indicated with his head to follow him. He led me at the back of his empty garage where I followed him with my kids. We stood inside the doorway while Malachi went into his secret room.

I was standing there softly hitting one of the handles on the buggy anxiously while Elijah was kicking pigeons away.  
Malachi Came out of the room walking towards me. 'It's all ready,' he said quietly, standing opposite me.  
'Right, but remember what I told you, okay? I start my job as an escort and will bring you the money straight away'

'Yes man,' he replied in his Jamaican dialect.  
Turning to Elijah and Joshua I said, 'Wait there boys, Mummy is coming back soon.'

Malachi watched the boys while I went to his secret office. Taking and a few quick pulls of a spliff, I flicked the ashes on the floor. The hit I felt when I took my first pull sent me to heaven for a quick moment.

Listening to Malachi teaching Elijah Jamaican Patois while Joshua was laughing in his pram.

Pulling down my tracksuit bottoms, I began pressing down hard on my left leg in search of a vein. Injecting the cocaine into right my thigh I then quickly lit my spliff back up. I took a few deep breaths and shook my head as if I was trying to get back into reality while the drugs were starting to work. I put both my hands on the desk leaning over it slowly breathing in and out. Sometimes it would make me feel a bit nauseous because I wasn't used to it like a proper addict. But to get through this job I might just become one. Leaning against the wall with my eyes closed, shaking both my legs nervously I decided that drugs weren't that bad, almost every young person I know did them, even the most famous celebrities did them, trying to give myself an excuse for what I knew was wrong. Time to start facing the music I told myself, gathering up the slightest bit of dignity I had left.

Walking out I was finally ready to face the world.

Slapping and rubbing my hands together I told them: 'Right boys of we go to Aunty Juliet's house.'

Elijah was smiling while Joshua was bouncing back and forward in his pram like he was playing row your boat. They loved going there because she was their favourite godmother and had been there throughout my whole pregnancy and all of my high school days where we met.  
Looking back, Malachi winked at me and next thing he was blowing me kisses and waving goodbye to me and the boys.

Approaching Juliet's house with the boys, I got to the door and rang the bell as softly as I could because her mum hated the noise.  
'Oh hello boys,' Juliet said as she took Joshua out the pram and lead Elijah inside.  
Putting one hand on Juliet's shoulder I said, 'So tomorrow morning honey I will be there to collect them, I said in a reassuring manner.  
'No rush Nicole, because you know we love having them.' Putting one hand on my shoulder their like family, she gave a reassuring smile.

We were very close and my estranged mum liked her but only because she was a mixed race girl with a Jamaican mum like my own. But to be honest to me she was a black girl like me; one I could call my sister and someone.

Kissing all three of them I waved goodbye, turning my head, wiping away the tears I jumped into an empty cab waiting outside her house.

As we drove away I wondered if this was what my life had really come to.

_This just seems so unreal_ I thought laying there with my first client in between my legs, that big moment I had been dreading. Degrading wasn't the word but at least I had gotten my first payment, I got paid £150 for the hour plus the £20 to suck his penis without a condom.  
My legs were spread apart while I laid there naked with a big greasy hairy polish guy having sex with me whose breath reeked of alcoholic.

He introduced himself as Aleksy when I first arrived at his door, greeting by his smirk and led into his house of horror.

Laying there with each of my arms by my side resting on the pillow feeling violated, I tried to think about trips to Jamaica while this guy was on top of me kissing my neck and licking my face. Imagining the look on my kids' faces doing their favourite hobbies was the only thing to get me through this horrible torment.

The house looked like a condemned building and had the word trouble written all over it from the moment I stepped inside. The room was dark; two candles the only source of light. The smell forced me to hold my breath. The mattress had springs sticking through it as he lay on top of me.

The alarm on my phone went of which meant it was time to stop. Thanking God in silence, I got up straight away with a bit of a struggle trying to arch my back to relieve some of the pain. Pushing the client out my way as I searched for my clothes, I heard him in the bathroom banging heavy feet on creaking floorboards.

Grabbing my clothes from the dusty floor; I sat back down on his mattress, leaning forward, resting one arm across my thigh and running the other hand through my hair while listening to the rain outside.

My phone rang; it was my personal driver calling. I pressed the answer button and held the phone to my ear  
'Are you okay Tami?' he asked.

Tami was my hooker name.  
'Yes I'm fine I couldn't find my other phone but I'm coming,' I said grabbing my stockings from the floor.  
Aleksy appeared in the room looking happy. Sickened to my stomach I had just given this man my soul for money.  
Aleksy paused, pulling up his dirty jogging bottoms. 'Are you okay, baby?' he said with a worried expression on his face.  
'Yeah, I'm fine.' I searched for my stiletto.  
Raising my eyebrows, 'Oh here it is' I picked up the shoe and I took my bag from the floor. Next I headed for the door. Pushing through the first fire exit door, walking to the lift, I pressed the lift button continuously as if it would make the lift come up any sooner. Anxiously I looked around.

The lift finally opened. Walking in I looked at myself in the mirror with my hands gripped to my cheek bones.

The lift was quickly on the ground floor and I came out the block of flats pushing the fire door open with a vicious shove so I could quickly hurry to the car. Jumping into my personal cab I reluctantly handed over my driver his fee of £75 which was half of what I made. At least I had made some money. I leaned back with my arms by both sides of me.  
'Now I got another job for you and it's a couple booking for two hours,' he said glancing at me in rear view mirror with tired eyes.  
Rolling my eyes with one hand on my forehead magically hoping my throbbing headache would disappear, I texted Juliet, to see how the boys were even though it was midnight and I knew they would be sleeping.  
The drive to Swiss cottage was a quiet one, no music on the car stereo, so I put my headphones in and listened to dancehall tracks. Listening to music that related to what I was going through was often my escape from the madness or sadness I was experiencing. Putting my hand under my thigh to pull my dress down, I spotted the driving looking at me in a sexual way through his mirror like he wanted chat me up and book me for the hour. Paying him no attention sitting with my head down, it didn't take him long to realise I wasn't interested as he pulled up outside the second client's house. I got out the car without saying a word to him.

'Oh my God,' she said in her Indian accent laying on her back, I was sucking her vagina and giving her elderly husband a hand job He had his hand in my knickers playing with my pussy and was kissing his wife who had her eyes closed slowly shaking her head side to side in disbelief like the pleasure she was feeling wasn't real. Her husband looked in heaven at the fact he had two young women making him feel somewhat youthful like he had got his groove back.  
Mission accomplished I thought when she screamed out and began climaxing. Already in my head I pictured me walking down the road in style with my first designer hand bag and sunglasses even though it was now winter. Not that I cared, especially now I was going to be living a luxurious lifestyle.

Being a bisexual I didn't mind that I had to suck her pussy but I did mind feeling all her discharge in my mouth like she couldn't be bothered to wash the horrendous smelling vagina that was in my mouth. I tried carefully not to breathe through my nose like I was suffering from a cold. All I wanted at that moment was to be given the get go from this bin laden look alike and his wife.  
Once again I got dressed and was gone with the wind as I hurried out the door, not wasting any time going down to my driver, punching the air as soon as the outside breeze hit my face.  
I sat on my ankles, rolling my head from side to side with one hand on my creaking neck in the car. I was texting Sarah who I had also known from primary school days. She asked me what was up and reassured me I could tell her anything and she would not judge me. I typed a long text about what I was doing and the justification for my actions. Stood there biting my lip, taking deep breaths, I tried to find the courage and strength to press the send button. Closing my eyes I quickly pressed send and was shocked with the response I got back. She said she had wanted to do it for years and if I could put in a word for her with my manager it would be greatly appreciated.

Climbing out the cab, my eyes suddenly wide open and my jaw dropped with surprise as I became more excited. I was shocked but still happy at her reply. Not even looking where I was going I entered my house. Maybe we could do this together; both make a fortune.  
I climbed into my bed without even cleaning the pussy juice out of my mouth. I was £250 better off. 'This job isn't so bad after all,' I told myself counting the notes in my hand and lifting it about my head to examine each note to make sure it was real.

Smiling and giggling at the fact my best friend was now going to be doing it too it kind of made me feel I was not alone. No way could I tell my other good friend, Chantelle, even though we had known each other for a long time she was extremely judgemental. I would pick up the boys in the morning; treat them to Big Mac meals in the afternoon. I could taste the beef as I closed my eyes and smiled at the thought of me and Sarah in the business together. What madness.

'Aah no way, Sarah,' I said covering my mouth giggling.

'Yes way, if you ever saw how fast I took the money and went to the toilet to climb out the window. There was no way I was having sex with him, he was at least a hundred and came out of his house in his dressing gown and slippers,' she said laughing, rocking back and forward. Throwing my head back with closed eyes, I couldn't help but laugh in shock.

It had been a month we started escorting every time we went to jobs we would text each other for our own peace of mind so we knew each other was safe.

We were at the escort agency office on a Friday night while the kids were back at Juliet's house. We were doing webcaming where we would show our bodies while guys paid which wasn't as bad. We were sitting around on the sofa sniffing speed that the boss John had given us to keep us up all night.

The receptionist, Sophia, pushed herself in sight on the chair with wheels. 'You okay girls?' she asked head down on her iPad.

She looked after us and booked us in all our jobs. All the other escorts were out on jobs. I had made £390 that night and was doing well paying off my debt and had enrolled the boys in drama school especially with Jeremiah's outgoing personality.

So me and Sarah were sitting and reminiscing on school days and playing knock down ginger on people's doors. She, like me, was a mother to an eight-year-old boy called Jonathan who my kids loved to play with.

'Tam,' Sophie shouted.

'Yes love,' I answered turning my head looking into the office.

Sophia sat looking into the computer screen. 'You got a job with an African guy he sounds Nigerian.'

I rolled my eyes and tutted; I was not attracted to them at all. They had funny accents and smelt strange.

Sophia turned to look at me. 'Stop worrying, Nicks, just think of the money.' She turned her head back to the computer screen messaging guys on the webcam.

Picking up my designer shoes, I grabbed my bag from the table and kissed Sarah goodbye on the cheek and jogged downstairs and into the car filled with excitement.

I was in the car smoking a fag, listening to my new Bengali driver chat shit. Fucking hell he was annoying me all night talking about his ex-girlfriend who he met as an escort.

Relieved when we pulled up at our destination he waited for me to call this client, because as usual I would call letting them know I was outside. He told me his door number so I jumped out the car texting Sarah I was going inside while I was walking towards the door. I buzzed door number 328 and waited. I buzzed again with no reply wondering if it was a blow out meaning a prank.

I buzzed one more time

'What the fuck do you want?' asked a guy in an angry tone.

'Oops' I thought with one hand over my mouth, realising I had been buzzing the wrong door.

I called the clients number on my other phone when the main one died.

'Hey who's this?' came a soft tone.

'Hey it's me – Tami – I'm calling from the agency I'm buzzing and no reply.'

'It's 327.'

'Oh no,' silently gasping, hand covering my mouth, 'I'm there pressing 328.'

Buzzing 327, shaking my head walking through the main door, I ran up the stairs. It was a big flight and no lift but in the end I managed to find it. I inhaled and exhaled bracing myself for this Nigerian man. I knocked at the door putting on a confident face and putting my hair behind my ear. He answered and oh my God I couldn't believe what I just saw: one hot young guy about twenty-five, twenty-six, who answered the door with no T-shirt and pure abs. He also had tattoos. I nearly fainted he was so hot and I knew he liked me too by the way he looked at me. Maybe because I was dressed in a short skimpy lace dress with killer heels on and my hair, make-up and nails were looking fresh and fabulous.

He led me in and I wouldn't have cared if he tried to harm me as long as I got to fuck him at some point. Walking through the passage into the living room, he followed and offered me a seat. I sat looking around at the glass lamp and black and white wallpaper. Not to mention the 50 inch 3D TV. He offered me a drink of vodka and orange which I accepted and sat down opposite me.

'I'm Louis,' he said smiling, handing me his £150 that I placed in my bag.

'Well you know my name,' I winked sipping my drink.

After a short conversation about our kids and work we went to his room. I placed my phone on the floor. It was a messy room and full of women's clothes but I didn't ask any questions. Turning to him I grabbed him and kissed him intimately, I pulled down his jeans and started sucking his dick on my knees while squeezing his bum. He was groaning and I loved the fact I was pleasuring him. Taking a condom from my bra, I placed it on his dick which was nice and hard. He picked me up onto my feet with one hand then pulled his trousers down while I pulled my dress off. He lifted me up as we began to fuck with him holding me. You could tell the chemistry was there. He carried me onto the bed onto my back while I spread my legs in the air while he moved his hips up and down with his dick sliding in and out my wet vigina. My God I was so wet, I got on top of him riding him holding onto the bedhead while he squeezed my nipples and tilted me forward sucking my breast. I was riding his penis harder and harder bouncing up and down on it and whining. He loved it and so did I. We then did a '69' and I was feeling so dirty I started to lick out his arse hole and he returned the favour. He got back on top of me. I was moaning a lot and could feel myself reaching the big O. I ripped of his condom and stuck his penis back in and started screaming. At that point of time, I didn't have a care in the world about the possibility of contacting an STI ,during my moment of thrills that could have mean a life time of pills. it was a little stupid, not using protection and I knew that.

I was climaxing and so was he, blocking all thoughts out of mind.

Soon remembering the time and jumped up to look at my phone on the floor I had twenty missed calls from Sophia as I was enjoying my time too much to notice the time. I texted her I was lost in the building. Quickly getting up to get dressed and knowing I wanted to see Louis again I left him my number and kissed him on the cheek.

The next morning I was sitting in the doctors waiting room, I got a text from Louis saying how he enjoyed the night and wanted to see me again. I was at the doctors for the morning after pill.

My doctor came out smiling at me so I knew it was my turn. I still couldn't stop smiling about the night before. Maybe he could be the one to get me off the game?

'Hold on to your weave girls.' I proceeded to speed down the motorway, inhaling the smell from the air freshener hanging from my rear view mirror, the wind blowing my hair. It had been four months since I started escorting and I had made a load of money and decided to treat Sarah and Chantelle to a weekend away to Southend. It was a Friday morning.

The weather was great and we decided to make the most of it. Chantelle, Sarah, her son, Jake, and my two kids were at the back of the car.

The kids were playing up, getting excited and play fighting in the back of the car, forcing an agitated Sarah to slap each and every one of them who all rubbed their leg in order after one another. 'Keep still, you guys,' she yelled , quickly glimpsing me like she was waiting for me to say something for hitting my boys Jake started to sink in his seat, kicking his feet, throwing a tantrum like a child who had terrible twos.

Looking at them through my rear mirror 'hey none or that thank you' shaking my head 'you lot need to behave' I turned around to face the children, raising my voice in a strict headteacher voice pointing the finger at all three sulking children who sat with their heads and bottom lips hanging down and their arms folded.

The girls laughed as we drove up the motorway playing the charmelionaire song while I sang the lyrics. 'They see me rolling, they hating patrolling and trying catch me riding dirty' I sang, laughing because the song resembled me so well.

'Is this you, Nicole?' Chantelle leaned towards me from the back passenger seat, smiling, putting one hand on my shoulder.

Opening up the glove department with one hand, I took out box of cigarettes and put one in my mouth. Pressing the car lighter during the traffic light stop and holding the box in front of Chantelle I asked, 'Do you want one, hun?' Knowing she didn't smoke but offering her one anywhere to distract her from her question.

'You know I don't smoke, Nicole' she said sitting back in her seat. 'Blimey, these lot are sparked out.'

She thought I was making money as a receptionist in an escort agency and that's all she needed to know. The thing about our relationship was, even though she was my good friend, she wasn't good enough to be trusted with my business.

With fifteen more minutes until we reached our destination, I spent those minutes thinking about Louis. We didn't work out after I realised if he was just using me. The only way he was benefiting me was by giving me free weed and cocaine that I made a habit of taking every weekend, even when I was with the kids. The problem with this job was getting on really well with a client and finding it easy for me to like them. I had seen girls letting themselves go, falling for clients whose only intention was to use them.

Looking behind me as I squeezed into a small parking space outside the hotel, trying to snap out of my feelings.

'We're here now.' I turned my head towards the others in the back who were still fast asleep. Chantelle leaned her back into the head rest, covering her face with the palm of her hands and let out a huge yawn.

Putting my cigarettes and my purse in my bag while the others woke up from the land of nod. The kids sat rubbing their eyes with bags underneath them looking like the living dead. We got out the car and checked into our rooms. The boys shared with me and Sarah, her son and Chantelle shared a family bedroom. Me and the boys had the best room, a deluxe room with a flat-screen TV, tea and coffee making facilities, and an en suite bathroom with a hairdryer.

Joshua and Elijah were jumping on the bed, swinging their arms in the air like they were on a trampoline.

'This is fun man!' Joshua shouted, jumping from side to side.

'Yeah this is fun man,' he said mimicking Joshua like a parrot, jumping 360 degrees clockwise. He wasn't steady on his feet and looked like he might fall.

Blocking out the screaming, I stood at the window with one hand on the glass looking at the seaside view. I ignored the beautiful green scenery that resembled my mother's island of Jamaica. Beautiful trees decorated with beautiful flowers, grass greener then green, dozens human figures that looked like dots queued up outside the ice cream van in an orderly fashion. Outside was jam packed with people who were walking around using their hands as sun shields, the heat from outside that beamed into the hotel room me standing under the air conditioner longer then I needed to be. A lot of couples were out and about, holding hands while strolling across the beach. I looked at them with envy. Was getting hurt worth all of this? The designer bags, the parties, the trips and fancy clothes for me and the kids. Sliding my hand down the window, I turned towards the bed to face the boys. 'Come on now.' I opened up a pack of biscuits left on the side table. 'Off the bed,' I mumbled, chewing on a biscuit, pointing my thumb behind me.

Taking the phone from my pocket, I had just received a text from Sarah who told me to get my arse downstairs to join the rest of them for lunch and an afternoon in the adventure park. Ushering the boys out the door

'Hurry up, hurry up!' I picked up the remote for the air conditioning, turned it off and through the remote on the bed and headed for the door.

The rest of the weekend was sightseeing, more adventure park and stuffing our faces with fish and chips but all I could think about was how much money I was losing out on. Excitement grew as it became closer to going home. Money was the only thing on my mind.

A Sunday night and I decided to take the night off to spend with my boys cuddling up in the sofa watching _X Factor_ with a Chinese takeaway. Elijah loved a Chinese, he thought Indian food stunk which was my favourite. 'Mummy, can we be with you at night all the time me and my brother miss sleeping in your bed,' he said in a sad tone looking at me like a hurt lost child. 'You know Mummy goes to work to get money to buy you a big house for when you get bigger,' I said stroking his head. I kissed him and Joshua on the head holding them tightly. I felt guilty about not cuddling up to them every night but I had to do what I had to do. Juliet didn't know what I was doing but I told her it was just reception work in a legit agency. I went to church earlier in the morning, the kids while the kids were in Sunday class in the next room while I sat in the church listening to a lady give a powerful testimony about getting into prostitution after racking up debt and catching HIV when she was gang raped while she was kerb crawling. Boy that was never gonna be me I told myself, I was always careful. The last thing I needed was an STI and another pregnancy. After Louis I swore I would never fuck in my job unprotected as men were unpredictable. I felt for the lady though but she was chatting a load of nonsense when she preached not to go to low standards and to instead seek God but God wasn't physically gonna hand me money was he?

When I got home that same day to cooking the dinner, I froze while stirring the pot when the woman's testimony was playing in my head. I brushed it if the shoulders trying to think about how much money I was going to make that night. I had a five-hour booking at a party where I would be gang fucked by up to twenty men. I was known as the party girl so I would get these bookings regularly and I loved them!

I was grinding on a guy's penis while I was sucking on another and masturbating off two guys at both sides of me. I was at a private club in Hackney round the corner from where I lived. I was three hours into my bookings and I was loving it. Cocaine, booze laid out on the table and hot men. Taking sniff after sniff, trying to forget that I had left the boys back at home even though I promised to have the night off.

The room was dimmed in red light and girls were fucking while other girls were dancing and having men throw cash at them.

I made all four of them buzz at once and I felt like an absolute legend for it.

'Thanks boys,' I said. I went off still naked and full of spunk, jumped on the pole dancing up to music. The club was full of white girls so I thought I would show the girls about Jamaican style dancing. They tried to compete but I was having none of it twerking and doing head stand and splits which got the men surrounding me. I was the girl running things. I was no longer the sad old lonely Nicole who couldn't feed her kids. But at this moment of time I was a bad mother who had to run back home before the kids woke up!

It was Christmas eve and I was standing over my balcony smoking a fag and looking at the whole of London doing their last minute Christmas rush. I had done my shopping and gotten tablets and designer clothes. Chantelle had booked them weekend tickets to go to Butlins in March. The house was decorated in tinsel and Christmas decorations. This was the life, I had finally moved out that horrible place in Hackney and into an en suite two-bedroom in Canary Wharf. I had the boys room painted in a Disney themed style and mine painted in bright pink with crystal sparkles lampshades and a big water bed with white thick carpet.

The boys were sitting on the sofa with the duvet watching _The Muppet Christmas Show_ with their chocolates. They looked so cute with whipped cream dripping from their mouths like a moustache. Seeing them cuddle up made my heart rejoice, I couldn't stop smiling that at the fact I could finally give my kids the Christmas they wanted unlike last year but I didn't even wanna remember that.

I came back into the living room as jolly as ever in the Christmas spirit. I sat down in between the boys who jumped up at the site of the food in their plates.

'Fish and chips! Fish and chips!' Elijah said clapping his hands.

Joshua put his hand in his plate and wiped the ketchup onto my face. I looked at him in shock I couldn't help but smile.

I jumped at the vibration of my phone in my pocket that I grabbed out. It was Sarah my new boss from my agency.

'Hiya, love, you alright?' I asked in a cheerful happy voice. I knew exactly what was coming.

'You okay, babe, can you work tonight?' I rolled my eyes. 'Let me find a sitter for the kids and I will get back to you.' I put the phone down and called Chantelle. I hated to bother her on Christmas eve. Her mum was in St Kitts so she was with her father who was an Indian Muslim and he didn't do Christmas so I wasn't worried about him asking why I was leaving the boys on Christmas eve.

'Babes can you look after the boys for a few hours? I need to go and do a few things,' I asked on a low desperate voice.

'Yes I will take them but my dad will be home soon end you know how he feels about kids,' she said reluctantly.

I was in the car on my way to Hammersmith; my client was a business guy. I kept texting Chantelle asking how the kids were.

The driver had pulled over at our destination, I jumped out the car walking fast towards the main door. I buzzed and made way upstairs. It was 8 o'clock and I wanted to collect the kids quick.

I was on the fourth floor outside his door, before I could even knock he had answered. He smiled and let me in, I walked through to the living room and turned to look at him.

'Should I take my shoes off, Babes,' I asked nicely. 'You know the ultimate black people rule to take your shoes off.'

He giggled and shook his head and held out his head. 'My name is Steven.'

I help my hand out. 'Nicole.'

He was a gorgeous mixed race guy, 6 ft 4 and slim build with a Mohican haircut. Happy emotions couldn't stop me looking at him as he took my hand making our way to his bedroom. I knew I was about to give to guy the best sex of his life. I also knew I wasn't stopping this job anytime soon.

We got on so well we exchanged numbers and promised to see one another after business was done. Hoping he was genuine this time unlike the last twat. I looked back at my phone and received a text from Steven asking to take me out, smiling I put my hand on my heart replying that I was free any time after today. He replied back asking if I could get a babysitter for the next night do he could treat me to a spa. Oh hell yes!

I was sat in between Steven's leg in a beach chair outside a hotel garden in Hertfordshire. He had taken us to a spa for the night and my gosh how amazing to not work for the night instead being pampered with a nice massage and pedicure.

Steven kept kissing me on the forehead, I kept returning the kisses. I really liked him but I didn't want to end up disappointed. I fell for guys too quick to deeply because when I loved I loved with all my heart.

The kids were with Chantelle because I wanted to give Juliet a break because of all her uni work. She was studying to become a midwife and had a backlog of coursework that she couldn't do because she had the boys so often.

Me and Steven had the most amazing sex that night, he had brilliant oral skills and knew how to make a girl feel loved. We held each other tightly calling each other baby. It lasted for hours all the way until morning the next day. We had worn ourselves out and laid their cuddling each other face to face. I started to get suspicious when his phone kept ringing but he assured me it was his mother so I just believed that's who he was close to. I wasn't bothered because I knew he was mine and I wasn't letting him go anywhere anytime soon.

Steven sat up with his back resting against the bedhead, stroking my hair as I rested my head across his chest listening to his heartbeat. Looking up into his eyes like a love struck teenager, I smiled at him 'I think I'm beginning to fall for you already.' I said looking into his beautiful eyes. A person's eyes are a way into their soul.

He drew his head back and lowered his eyebrows 'isn't it a bit early for that?'

Raising my head up, I looked at him. Words refused to leave my mouth; it almost impossible to get any words out before resting my head back on his chest 'Sorry.'

He began rubbing my forehead 'There's no rush, we have all the time in the word for that.'

'I know, I am sorry for that, I'm just excited by you that all.' Shrugging my shoulders.

Too embarrassed I left it at that and said nothing more. I could only hope I had not driven another man away with my sudden lust.

It was February 7th, a Thursday, and I was sat on the toilet seat anxiously waiting and to my horror it was confirmed. I was pregnant and it was Steven's baby as even though I was still escorting I always used protection.

Sinking my head in my hands in pure disappointment. I didn't want another baby, in fact, if I kept it, how was I going to escort to maintain my high lifestyle? Me and Steven had only been dating for seven weeks, I don't know how I could have been so stupid.

Picking up my phone from the window sill by the side of the toilet I texted Steven to tell him the news. I put my phone back in the ground then covered my mouth nervously awaiting his response.

I got a text on my phone , it was Steven and to my surprise he texted me saying everything was going to be okay and he was going to be there for me and all my kids. He had met Elijah and Joshua and they loved him so I believed him when he said it. He stayed with me from time to time but not as often as I wanted him to because of his mum and how close they were. He showered me and the kids with gifts and would pay for my bills sometimes. I still didn't give up my job for him though because I wanted to make sure he was the one.

I was close to my sister Rachel before me and my stupid mum fell out. They were close so Rachel would often take her side. My brother Romeo was living in Iraq as a soldier so I barely heard or spoke to him.

Sat on the living room floor against the couch and finally found the courage to text my sister. The kids were at Sarah's playing with her boy so peace and quiet was exactly what I needed at a time like this. Rachel texted back congratulating me on my news. I knew she would be a big helping hand because I knew through friends that she was unemployed and spent her days looking after her daughter and son, Katie and Alfie, who were the same ages as my kids: six and four. Every time I had a new baby she was happy to help. I would hear from friends. It was nice to hear from her as it had been over five years since we had last spoken and she still had the same number.

Over the next few days me and Rachel were in contact and it was great to hear her voice. We didn't talk about Mum though 'cause that would have been awkward. She called me asking me over to dinner to meet her new fella who was father to her youngest and played Daddy to the oldest. What a coincidence – we both had partners called Steven who were businessmen. Her girls were in school like mine and doing well and I couldn't wait to see them. I told her I was working as a hairdresser because I didn't want to give my mum a field day with the work I was doing but obviously she would have told my mum as we all know about black people and news. I was excited though 'cause my life was really getting back on track. I was in the money even though I told Steven I had stopped but little did he know I had gone with another agency, my kids were happy, I had great people around and I was getting my sister back.

It was Friday evening; over a week since I found out I was pregnant. I decided I wanted to stay with the kids. Elijah was sat on the floor with his legs crossed playing temple run on his iPad and Joshua was asleep in bed. As usual I was doing the cooking and cleaning for the kids but was feeling a little irritated due to the pregnancy hormones. I got a text from Rachel inviting me over the next say which meant I had to cancel work. I knew working with the news I had just gotten was bad but I had a baby to think about.

I texted my sister back happily excepting her invitation reminded her to have my oxtail on the Dutch pot. She texted back 'LOL' she was an excellent cook she just hadn't been an excellent sister but by the strain of me and my mum's relationship who could blame her?

I had finished cleaning up and it was soap opera time so I went to sit down to relax and watch _Emmerdale_. Elijah came and sat next to me hugging and resting his head next to me. 'Mummy why can't you and Daddy get back together?' he asked as he looked up at me in a sad innocent face. I looked at him as I began stroking his hair giving him a fake smile trying not to disappoint him. 'Maybe one day son but for the moment, Mummy and Daddy are just friends hun.' I kissed him on the cheek. 'Don't worry, son,' I said, leaning my head against his.

'But I miss Mummy and Daddy together. I want Daddy to come home and you guys have another baby and we live happily ever after like the books I read at school.'

Turning over the TV to _Bob the Builder_ trying to distract him, I said, 'Look darling, it's your favourite programme.'

'Yes Mummy me and all my friends like this.'

'Mummy is going to go and make you a hot chocolate,' I said, getting up and heading into the kitchen. I took out Elijah's favourite cup and got out the hot chocolate powder and mixed the milk in the cup and put it in the microwave for a minute and a half

We sat on her cream sofas. We laughed till we cried; it was so good seeing my sister. It was like there was never no feud. I absolutely loved her kids and so did mine. They sat amongst themselves sharing their toys and eating snacks. Speaking about our childhood. I began to realise how much I had missed having her but I wondered how long till our mum or somebody came between us again. Dinner was great. I had been thinking about that meal from yesterday and told her I would be coming back for more. 'Of course you can,' Rachel said enthusiastically. She grabbed her phone; texting her boyfriend, Steven, to come meet me. She always had a bad taste in guys so I knew what to expect.

We watched all the soaps in order like we used to as kids. That was the only time we were ever silent when the programmes were on. Speaking about my pregnancy and her career plans we could hear somebody coming through the door.

'That will be Steven,' she said, turning to me as we sat on her sofa.

But he wasn't just her Steven who walked into the room; it was my Steven too! He looked at me in shock and embarrassment as he stood frozen; lost for words.

I got up and ran passed him – brushing pass him along the way as Rachel tried to introduce us.

'That's weird,' she said. 'Probably the morning sickness.'

Tears on my face; bent over the toilet I knew; I knew it had been too good to be true but this was worse than anything I might have imagined.

Four months later I was nearly six months pregnant and I hadn't seen my sister since what happened. Every time she texted or called for me to come over I made excuses as to why I couldn't. I couldn't bear to tell her I had been seeing her boyfriend unknowingly to me or that he had infected me with herpes and syphilis and was the father of my unborn baby . The day of the discovery was the worst day of my life and wasn't Stevens face a picture and the look of relief on his face when I pretended that was the first time I met him after being sick in my sister's toilet. This was some _EastEnders_ kind of shit something you saw on the TV and something you don't expect to happen to you.

The only time I had seen that two timing bastard was when he waited outside my house the morning after what happened. He was driving along the road next to me when I was taking the boys to school the next day.

'I won't tell your dirty little secret,' I spat at him.

I haven't seen him since. I should have told my sister but when she eventually would go to the doctor for a check she would find out what a dirty lying dog he was.

I hadn't worked in months but I would have to though, pregnant or not. I had to change my number in case my escort agency contacted me to say I had infected some of their clients with herpes and syphilis as there had been a few accidents when the condoms split.

I had enough money to live off but money was running out and I was surviving. But I knew it would be soon until I was looking at the back of an ad to join another agency but whether or not they would take me on pregnant, I didn't know.

I hadn't spoken to Chantelle in a while after she told everybody I had been sleeping with another women's boyfriend who got me pregnant and gave me STI s. It's a good thing I didn't tell her the other woman was my sister or that me and Rachel was not linked to the same people. I soon got to realise what a backstabbing bitch she was who thought she was nice because she had hair that looked like the remi brand. I couldn't believe it though; this girl who was around my kids and who I thought was my friend. It couldn't sink in, just to think the whole time she was chatting my business the whole time and I considered having it out with her in a physical fight but I was a mum and had to be setting a good example to my children so I was the bigger person and left karma to find her.

It was three weeks later on a Saturday night and I was sitting in the back of my personal escort car. Yes that's right I was back on the game as money was short and I had got so used to having money and not being broke. Well, not that money was short but I had just gotten used to living a luxurious lifestyle.

This time it was a party booking and I was told there would be other pregnant escorts attending as the guys in the party had a fetish for pregnant ladies. It being a party booking would mean I would probably have to do a few drugs. MDMA was the new thing out so I heard the client discussing with the receptionist over the phone in the office while I was waiting for work.

We pulled up along a penthouse in north London. I got out the car in a tight maternity dress with my silver spiky heels on.

'I'll text you when I get in there yeah,' I said quickly to my driver. Walking steady trying not to slip over with my heavily pregnant belly. The kids were with Anna so I knew they were okay. My big boys were getting so big.

The client informed us that the buzzer was broken so we could just open the security door. I made my way to the lift. It was on the 11th floor so thank God for lifts! I could feel my baby kicking as I stood there waiting to reach the 11th floor. I was six months gone but I had chosen not to find out the sex but having two boys I hoped for a girl.

Standing there confidently as I reached the 11th floor the lift door opened. As I took the step out the lift a painful thud of pain hit me in the face.

'Argh,' I screamed falling backwards on to the floor with a bleeding nose. I had just been kicked in the face.

About five different guys: black, white and Asian dressed in tracksuits rushed into the lift, there was one who had covered his face with a bandana; a black guy. They were aged from about twenty to about twenty-five I guessed.

I crawled backwards trying to back up against the lift in the corner.

'Fucking slut,' one of the guys screamed; spitting as he kicked and pulled one of my legs across the lift. The lift door was shut and I didn't dare scream. All I worried about was my unborn baby.

'Please don't hurt me; I'm pregnant,' I cried, trying to curl up protecting my belly.

The black guy with his face covered came forward and stood over me while the rest stood around us. He pulled down his bandana from his mouth and bent down on me putting pressure on my belly.

I looked up in sheer horror as I remembered the guy I had the condom split with, he must've remembered me when he saw me on my new agency site and set me up. I imagined the look of terror on my face.

'Yeah you remember me,' he said in a deep scary voice; stroking my face with one finger. 'You and your nasty herpes and syphilis pussy! I knew I had to teach you a lesson for you being the cause of my girlfriend catching your nasty diseases and aborting my baby,'

It was the next morning and I struggled to get my eyes open. I realised I was in hospital and was surrounded by a doctor and two police officers who looked at me in pity. The doctor was stood holding a clipboard and gave me a sympathetic smile but it wasn't genuine so I knew it was bad news. I put one hand on my left cheek feeling that it was swollen and all over my legs had a stinging pain.

'You've suffered a lot of injuries I'm afraid, Nicole,' the doctor said in a quiet sad tone. 'You were found by a taxi driver.' I guessed they meant David.

The doctor took a few steps towards me holding my left hand.

'I'm afraid you've been brutality attacked, Nicole. You've been stabbed multiple times all over your legs, urinated on, kicked and I'm afraid your beating was so bad your unborn son, I am sad to say didn't survive. I am so sorry to have to tell you this'

'Oh my God – no! 'I cried shaking my head placing my hands on my belly that was now flat.

'You've also had a tooth knocked out as you could probably tell. Now do you know who did this? The police are here and they want to ask you some questions. Also we have called your next of kin; your husband.'

_That was all I fucking needed_! I slapped my head in frustration. My soon to be ex-husband asking me questions.

'Now is there anybody else you would like us to call,' a big built police said as he stood up. 'Your husband is also on his way...' he paused for a few seconds looking at me suspiciously. 'We also found large quantity amounts of MDMA in your handbag that we may need to question you about later.'

I knew this was a set up but this was the least of my worries.

I gave them Juliets's number as I sat playing with my hospital wristband but I knew they would have to tell her what happened. Sinking my head in my hands, everything was starting to feel real, before it had seemed a blur.

A Friday night and I was at Sarah's house where me and Juliet were getting ready to go clubbing in Camden. Looking in the mirror putting on my make-up, I paused momentarily as I wiped the foundation into my face trying to hide my scars. I wondered if i was really up for going out with the girls

'Hurry up!', shouted Juliet as she appeared into the room. I was dressed as if I was about to go out and escort in a pink lace dress with black studded heels.

'Just coming,' I said as I swung my head round to look at her.

Linking arms we walked through the partying vibes of Camden, I hadn't worn heels in ages and my feet were starting to get sore as the girls were dragging along me to walk faster.

Hearing the dancehall playing louder as we were approaching Club Amnesia we saw people were standing outside smoking weed and acting drunk.

Going through security, making our way downstairs into the dancefloor, I walked straight behind the girls so I didn't notice the stares and whistles I was getting from some of the guys in the corridor. We went straight to the bar where we downed a couple of shots laughing our heads heads off.

I put the shot glass down resting my both my hands on the bar table taking a deep breath.

Sarah and Juliet both placed an arm round each of my shoulders.

'Come on girl this is meant to be a night out for you,' Juliet said whispering into my ear while Sarah kissed the side of my cheek.

Cameos candy song started to play when they grabbed me by each of my hands onto the dancefloor , we began doing the classic 'It's like candy' dance and the crowd soon began to follow. I felt a sudden touch on my bum as I quickly swung round to see Raymond standing in front me.

'Raymond!'' I shouted wrapping both my arms around him. I turned to look at the Juliet and Sarah behind me who were distracted with the two guys they were dancing with. Holding his hand I looked back at Raymond giving him a cheeky grin as we set of out of the club and back to my hostel room.

Slamming my room door shut with my back, Raymond pressed his body against mine sticking his tongue down my throat and pressing his hard penis against my pounding vagina as he tore off my dress. I was so fucking horny I didn't even care at the fact it was my favourite dress as I threw him on to my bed. Sitting on top of him I undid his zip taking out his penis as I edged up pulling my red thongs to one side and sliding on his penis, pulling of his T-shirt then sticking my tongue back into his mouth.

'Baby, will you go down on me,' I whispered, grinding on top of him while he pulled me upwards and downwards squeezing my arse. He grabbed me, pulling me on top of his face as he slid his tongue in my private part. I began to moan and groan holding on to the bedhead as I was grinding on his face.

'Yes baby,' I shouted.

I then jumped up pulling him up with me. I sat on my knees looking up at him biting my lip as he looked at me with his seductive face.

'Use me as your human toliet,' I demanded.

I pushed his head back and let out a little sarcastic laugh. 'Baby I love you, do it in my you turn me on,' I said seductively rubbing his naked bum cheeks.

He stuck his hard penis in my mouth and he began to urinate as I then began to swallow his urine that tasted so bloody good. He took his dick out and began to cum all over my face. I was so turned on I started rubbing my clit with one hand and smothering my face with his semen, with the other hand making myself cum.

Sitting on my bed looking up at the ceiling with Raymond beside me, he turned overlooking at me and grabbing my chin with his thumb and index finger.

''I love you to baby all the while,' he said kissing my lips.

I smiled and hugged him as he layed on top of me resting his head on my chest.

''I love you too, baby.'

I smiled at the fact I knew I wanted to get to know him a bit more than sexually.

Sitting annoyed as hell because Raj decided to be an idiot and not let me have the kids this weekend. I was snuggled up on the sofa with Raymond watching _The Grinch_ ; we were now living in a studio flat that I saved up from working in the salon and from what he made from hustling. We had decorated the flat in cream walls with a brown leather sofa and a king size bed, big enough to do our sexual business on. The flat came with all the utilities essentials such a microwave, cooker and washing machine etc.

I was sad not to have been spending today with my boys but on the other hand I was happy to have had quality time with Raymond. We had been a couple for two months and things were going great accept for Raymond sometimes becoming snappy but he was protective over me and the sex was great.

As we sat cuddling up I couldn't help but feel distracted by a thought in my head. I had a conversation with Elijah the week before and he mentioned to me about wanting to go back to gymnastics and art classes and I knew Raj was struggling to care for both the boys. A few days before I saw an advert on Facebook for stories wanted. I knew I didn't want to go back to prostitution so I considered selling my story about the attack for £800 and giving it all to the boys. I knew this would get social services concerned but really and truly I wasn't doing anything wrong and it wasn't like they didn't know what had happened to me and I was giving the money to the boys so maybe they could see this in a positive kind of way I thought.

Me and Raymond were still snuggled on the sofa watching the film. I was lying on his lap when my phone suddenly started to vibrate. I took my phone out my pocket to see Romeo calling. I put my phone back in my pocket when Raymond viciously snatched my phone from my pocket. His eyes cold, hard eyes had a deadness which meant trouble coming.

'Why you moving sneaking and putting phone back in your pocket like you got something to hide,' he said, violently pushing me of his lap in to the floor.  I stumbled and plummeted to the ground, an expected thud followed and the skin on my knee felt like it ripped off

He stood up towards me, looking down on me with his still eyes. I sat up looking up at him in shock also feeling confused, 'Raymond, that's my brother,' I said in a soft angry tone. He clenched his right hand and struck me across the right side of my face knocking the upper half of me onto the floor. He grabbed my hair but I was quick to hold my lace wig so he wouldn't be able to see how bad my hair pulling was. I was more concerned about him not see my real hair then I was about him trying to bash my head against the ground. Laying there weak with my hands covering my head, curled up in a ball like a coward he grabbed my phone from my pocket dialling the last call received on my call list as I lay sobbing. He stood up when the phone started ringing and put it on loud speaker.

'Mummy,' Elijah and Joshua shouted through the phone.

Romeo had come out the army and had gone to visit my boys for at Raj's

house.

'Uncle Nathan bought us trainers,' Elijah said ecstatically down the phone.

Raymond gave me the phone and sat back down on the phone staring at the TV with no emotion on his face.

I sat there in a state but hid my emotions. 'That's nice, baby, are you two having a good time?' I asked giving Raymond in the _I told you so_ face.

I finished my conversation with the boys and sat back on the sofa next to Raymond who put his arm round me and kissed me on the cheek whispering an apology in my ear. I was in so much distress I was numb. I mean I knew Jamaican men loved to beat women but blimey I was not expecting that.

I was lying in bed with Raymond and felt absolutely repulsed at him putting his arm round me constantly trying to say sorry and blaming his actions on the weed. I was starving as I went to bed early as the sight of Raymond put me of my dinner after that incident. Not even that, but all my face was swollen and bruised. I contemplated leaving him that night but I had no car and it was night, not just that but I remembered during one of our sex sessions he vowed to kill me if I ever left him and after this incident I believed him.

Being naive, I decided to stick with Raymond who had been making an effort for the past two days when all I had been suffering was nothing but pure beatings from him for the past six weeks, him having fractured my wrist which was the worst damage. Raymond had become jealous and controlling but I couldn't leave because both our names were on the tenancy and I didn't wanna mess up my chances of getting my children back into my care so I put up with the violence in secret but deep down I was dying inside.

Later that night Raymond made me dinner that consisted of turkey neck and rice n peas with orange bucks fizz to drink because he couldn't afford anything luxurious because he had spent all our employment support allowance on weed. I had lost my job at the hair salon due to taking so many days off work from hiding away the physical evidence of the beatings.

We were sitting round the table reluctantly eating the dinner Raymond had prepared; I sat there opposite him playing in the food with the fork. He looked up at me with a face like thunder, he clenched his left hand and slammed it on the table

'So you can't eat the fucking food properly? Are you a fucking child?'

I looked up in horror, was I supposed to be normal? I was jobless, childless and penniless and was once again caught up in a predicament with not being able to leave the house.

I closed my eyes momentarily and took a deep breath whilst holding the folk in my hand. 'I'm fine Raymond. I'm just missing the boys,' I said in a low soft voice.

'Everyday you're moaning about them fucking kids with that fucking Indian man,', he roared. He always got angry when I looked miserable; today was not the day, him having woken up on the other side of the bed.

I looked up in sheer horror , he had regularly used racist remarks against my children calling them mixed breed, white nigger and Paki nigger. I looked up and shook my head like I expected better, during the time we had been together he had never ever once asked how my children were.

He kissed his teeth and got up and threw the glass of bucks fizz in my face and swung his dinner across the floor. I swung back in my chair wiping the drink off my face. I put my face in hands and began to cry, just when I thought my life was going well. I started shaking my head crying telling myself how much I hated God for not answering my prayers.

Sitting here doing webcam work, with the small mini Asus laptop Raymond had bought me as a way of saying sorry. I would sit here every night doing this as my means to make money while Raymond was out selling drugs. I managed to save up enough money for a small Fiat Punto with the money that I had earned.

I hated that car but it was all I could afford, it was constantly breaking down but then again you couldn't expect anything better from a Fiat car, Fiat which stood for _Fix it again tomorrow._ Raymond didn't know about my webcam, he thought the money used to by the car was from a tax return.

The news was on and I was saddened by the disappearance of a young girl called Amy, just nine years of age. Child kidnappers had broken into a window left half opened and knocked the whole family out with a can of Chloroform and taken the child in the middle of the night. That was the fifth kidnapping in five months and police still hadn't made any arrest, what a dangerous world out there. The one place you are meant to be safe you weren't.

I wanted to text Sarah and Juliet but they weren't really talking to me as I hadn't really been consistent with contact. They thought this was down to having Raymond, they thought I had chosen him over my friends but in reality Raymond was often beating me up and I would shit myself from the world trying to hide the bruises, the black eyes, the broken eye socket, the broken arm and the open flesh on my head so bad it exposed my skull. The slightest things would kick him off, more often when he would smoke weed. I tried to tell myself it wasn't his fault it was mine like he would tell me after he finished battering me because of these injuries I had often missed my weekly weekend visits to see the boys but I would make it up with phone calls and sending them presents the social workers weren't too impressed neither.

I began scrolling through Juliet's Facebook and often wanted to like her post but often felt I couldn't, I suspected she was pregnant as she would often complain of morning sickness and feeling over tired but if she was then I was happy for her. I knew from her post she was in a relationship but she would never post pictures of her mystery man, the kind of guys she liked I could imagine him to be a big hunky black guy as she was never was really into anything but that. We had become distant with one another and never really spoke much. It's like it just happened overnight. I was guessing it was because I had let the boys down when I knew what that was like, meaning I should of known better.

I turned my head at the sound of the key coming through the door, it was Raymond and I dreaded every time he came back home. Every evening I hoped he would go out and get fatally hit by a car so I could move the kids in then get a bigger place but unfortunately he was still alive.

'Raymond!' I shouted looking at him in sheer horror as he came staggering in.

Looking at the TV he blurted out 'I know where that child is before letting out an evil laugh. He was so drunk and of his head of weed that he mistook the middle of the floor for a toilet and pulled down his pants and shat right on it. I threw the remote at him and it landed right in the shit

'Bitch,' he yelled pulling up his trousers. He came at me and grabbed my hair with one hand dragging me across the floor and smothering my face in the shit. He started to stomp on my head while I laid there covered in the mess heaving from the smell of his mess. I looked up in tears as he walked to the kitchen drawer watching him take out a pair of scissors. I crawled up and fell on to my back trying to back up against the side of the bed as he came towards me with scissors. I watched as he cut the plug of the wire of my laptop charger. He then hurled at me pinning me to the floor on my stomach, pulling down my knickers then holding my head down as he pulled down his pants and began to anal rape me. It was so bad I nearly passed out from the pain. He then put the live wire from my charger up my anus which began to send shocks throughout my whole body which then knocked me out cold.

A week later I woke up in the hospital out of a coma, looking around confused wondering where the hell I was. I was so confused I sat up and began to touch my belly screaming 'my baby my baby.' I thought I was back at the attack that happened to me. I looked around in the empty ward crying and screaming. Two nurses and a policeman had slowly ran to my bedside, one held my hand while the other one sat on the bed with me explaining the brutal attack that I had suffered at the hands of Raymond.

'Nicole you're here because you have suffered quite a brutal attack, you have some smoke to your lungs, a live wire had been inserted in your anus and there was some tearing to your anus. We have had to insert a metal plate into your head and stitch your anus,' she said in pity. The other nurse just looked at me in sorrow.

'Nicole, the police is here to ask you a few questions.' She looked at the policeman and took a step back.

'Hi Nicole. I'm PC Thomas, we've noticed this is the second time you have been in hospital for an attack and we've also have noticed a link between your injuries, now I wanted to know if you know your attacker as there was no signs of broken entry.'

I looked at him not saying a word, covering my mouth with the sheets.

'Nicole, it's very important you tell us the name of your attacker as we have sent the DNA evidence found on you for DNA analysis and it has been linked to another rape on an eighty-nine-year old lady a few months ago.'

A million and one things was running through my mind, I began to feel physically sick, shaking my head wondering what the hell was going on. Confused I looked at the officer. 'Smoke on my lungs?''

The police officer looked at me with a pitiful smile. 'Yes your flat had caught on fire and your neighbour had managed to get you out as your flat door was left open.'

Had Raymond burned down the flat to try and hide the evidence? But then I remembered the mince from the bolognase was left on the hob. I put my both my hands up at both sides of my head. 'Raymond Campbell,' I replied.

Sitting in my car outside the refuge tapping the car steering wheel with my right index finger on this summer's night. I had missed my midnight curfew at the women's refuge in South west where I was staying and I had already had a warning as this was the second time I had come strolling after twelve as you was required to book out. I hadn't seen Raymond for three months. He was on the run from police after the attack on me and the other lady.

I couldn't bear to be in that hostel room especially after I found out that a Muslim woman once stayed in that room until her abusive husband chopped her up and left her in a bin bag outside her mother's house for escaping him while their kids were in school.

I huffed and closed my eyes as I bought myself to come out of my car, hands in pocket with no emotion on my face walking up the front entrance stairs, opening the door getting reading to listen to the bollocks the staff were going to tell me.

One of the staff members called Toni appeared out of reception with a face like a smacked backside, I couldn't stand this women she had the personality of a wet mop with a horrible wrinkly old face tilting her head down look at me though her glasses.

'This is the second time you're late,' she said with a smug look on her face. 'You've already had a warning so I'm afraid I'm going have to report this to your housing officer who will decide if you are still able to stay here.'

'Well my car battery died and I had to wait for a jump start and because the battery was dead while I was waiting, my phone battery died.' I turned towards the reception desk and signed my name in then made my way upstairs to my room cutting my eye at her on the way. I kicked my shoes to the side of the room and through my coat to the other side, I yawned then collapsed onto my bed. The room was a gritty little single room with just a single bed and a small TV but it had to make do until I got re-housed.

Saturday evening and I was at my cleaning job in an office that I got from an ad in the _Loot_. It was cash in hand which meant I didn't have to declare tax and lose my benefits. Hoovering away while I was playing music through my headphones on my phone I received a text. Holding one hand on the hover stick I reached for my phone in my pocket with the other hand. My mouth nearly dropped to the floor in shock when I realised it was Raymond texting asking to see me. 'Is this some kind of sick joke,' I asked myself, I thought my heart was about to pop out my chest I was in that much shock, after all what he did to me he had the cheek to contact me. I dropped the hover and started walking round in circles in such disbelief, he really had some nerve. I wondered if he had been arrested and was out on bail or if he was still on the run. Text after text was pouring through my phone from Raymond about how sorry he was. I knew he was definitely mad but he had just confirmed he was mad by telling me that the police must've got DNA evidence mixed up which is why he was being done for rape on a eighty-nine-year old women. He was pathetic and I didn't want to read any more so I just switched my phone off but really and truly I shouldn't had that number but I didn't think I would be hearing from him again.

That same evening and I was shopping in my local Tesco. It had been the best part of an hour and I was still looking around for something to buy to cook, Raymond had distracted my mind for the few hours.

I had finally paid for my shopping and made my way to my car in the car park carrying my two bags of shopping. I was so tired to the point of disbelief putting my shopping bags in the back of my car trying to stop myself from yawning.

I suddenly turned around and jumped in fright, I covered my mouth with my hands and began to shake intensely, for the love of God I could not believe my eyes. Raymond was in front of me, Raymond was staring at me with a look of sadness.

I froze and stood there terrified, leaning against the back of my car window. 'What are you doing here?'

My brain had suddenly shut down and my face began to flood with cold sweat. My dry mouth refused to let me scream.

Waving his right hand. 'No no no please don't scream.'

'You raped—'

I couldn't get the rest of the sentence out as he leapt at me as he covered my mouth from behind me kissing my cheek. 'Nicole, I did not rape that old lady and I'm sorry for what I did to you and I know you're probably wondering how I found you and I will be honest, while we were together I kept a racket in your car which is still there now.'

Trembling as he stood holding my shoulders with both hands. 'Nicole I still love you and I still want you back.'

My heart melted as I started to close my teary eyes I knew deep down I still loved him as I fell into his arms.

Laying naked in bed with Raymond the next morning at his friend's house in Brixton that evening looking at the ceiling, I knew deep down I was mad with myself for sleeping with the man that tried to kill me but at the same time I couldn't help but remember all the good times we had when we started dating but I knew with Raymond being in the run things could never be the same. We talked about everything, I had to know why he did what he did and as usual he blamed it on the weed but swore he was clean. I asked him if he didn't rape that lady then why didn't he hand himself in? The answer: 'It's complicated.'

'So where you staying?' he asked. I turned to him

'As if I'm stupid enough to tell you that.' Sitting myself up to get dressed using tissue to wipe his semen from my vagina, having been so horny I didn't think twice about getting pregnant.

'Where you going?' he said, pulling me towards him. I nudged him away. 'Raymond I have to go.' I wasn't worried about the hostel staff as I had told them that I was staying with a friend. I wanted to get back to sit and reflect about what had happened, it all seemed surreal especially after I didn't think I was going see Raymond again.

Monday afternoon after my shift, I had gone back to Brixton to visit Raymond, I approached the house and let myself in as the door was left slightly opened, as I got closer to the living room I could hear Raymond and his friends talking something about jewellery and getting away.

I walked into the living room where Raymond and his friends looked visibly shocked to see me, pointing my thumb behind me towards the back of the door. 'The door was left open.'

Blowing the smoke from his cigarette out of his mouth, he said, 'Just wait in my room.'

I made my way to Raymond's room and sat on his bed feeling confused wondering what the jewellery and car talk was all about. Was he going to buy me a ring to purpose and wanted us to go somewhere nice? I wondered because they all looked so shocked when I walked in as if I had ruined some master plan. He walked into the room and sat next to me kissing me on the cheek putting one arm around me as I laid back snogging his face off knowing I was about to have one of the best sex sessions as always.

The next few days I was in touch with Raymond by text but today he wanted to see me down in Covent Garden but insisted I drove down. I hated that area, the traffic sometimes was a joke but I reluctantly went down anyway. Raymond gave me strict instructions to meet him at two in the afternoon, I was dressed in my summer dress with my lovely pair of sandals. I remembered the talk with his friends about jewellery and Covent Garden was known for jewellery so I wanted to look good in case he wanted to propose, I didn't even think how we could be getting married after he was on the run, all I could think about was a massive rock on my wedding finger.

As I reached for my phone to tell him I was waiting in my car I was shocked to see a masked man jump in the passenger seat while two other guys followed into my car at the back. The guy next to me had a gun next to me and demanded I drive off. The amount of fear in my body I did what I was told.

'Brixton street,' he said pulling down his mask. It was Raymond, he had set me up to be a getaway driver.

Punching and kicking Raymond I couldn't believe what he had just got me to do. The time I walked in on him talking about jewellery, the whole time he was planning to go and on a robbery I felt so stupid and used. How could I let this happen?

He threw me on his bed. 'You think I still want you after everything you did?'

Putting one hand on my heart. 'After everything I did, Raymond, you can't be serious?'

He pulled out two passports, one of them had a picture that looked exactly like me. I looked up at Raymond in disbelief. 'Raymond what's going on?'

He looked at me in such hatred and coldness in his eyes. 'This time I'm going to make sure you don't snitch or ever leave me; the plane leaves for Jamaica tonight and you're getting on that flight with me.

'My blood ran cold and my lungs were deprived of air. I sat there numb as my heart started racing at a dangerous speed. Raymond started rushing around packing his suitcases while I sat there wondering how I could let me fuck me over once more.

'What about my Kids? I can not just leave them Raymond', I said in a soft tone trying a calm approach.

Pushing me back onto the bed, his eyes filled with rage ' We are going and that's that still rushing around packing before returning his attention to me 'Do you really think you are going to get them back now?'

'But I don't even have any clothes.'

'Then I will get you some.'

'Raymond, this is daft, if you turn yourself in it will be much better than a life on the run,' my eyes wailing up, trying to get through to him.

Grabbing me by the mouth and squeezing my Jaw

'Ladies and Gentlemen fasten your seat belts as we prepare for landing, thank you for flying with British Airways,' the captain said through the intercom. I sat there with my head leaning next to the window in my seat, tears streaming from my eyes. I felt like I cried a river. I couldn't believe me and Raymond had got through immigration back at Gatwick airport with fake passports. This time I knew I really fucked things up, all I could think about was my two boys I was forced to leave behind, my job, Juliets and Sarah even though they had completely cut ties with me.

I hadn't been back to Jamaica in two and a half years when I last had the boys and treated them to a holiday to see my family. I already started to hatch a plan to run to my cousin Cindy and auntie's house in St Anns Ocho Rios as I knew the island of my mother's birth place really well. Cindy was my age and was a bit of a hot head which is why we got along. She didn't take shit from anybody, even her gangster boyfriend didn't mess with her.

Raymond held my hand tight as I walked like a lost ghost we made our way to immigration in Kingston with our boarding passes. Even though the Jamaican authorities were backwards I was hoping someone would spot our fraudulent passports. Sadly they never did as Raymond led me out of Kingston Airport holding our luggage in one hand and my arm with his other hand like I was a convict out of the airport into the heat. Raymond had organised a car to pick us up, with two horrible looking guys waiting for us who looked like gun men with scars across their faces. One sat in the driver's seat who was named Patrick while the other who was named Roger was outside leaning against the car giving me a cold hearted look. He looked at me with stone cold eyes and he opened the doors staring at me like his eyes were glued to me while Raymond violently shoved me in and came and sat next to me.

Patrick drove off to take us to Spanish Town the house where we would be staying. 'So you lot got through okay?'

'Yes me friend,', Raymond replied. 'So this is the girl.'

Poking me in the side of my head. 'Yes a she dat.' I closed my eyes and I started to cry in silence, I couldn't believe this was a man I once fell in love with. I wanted to retaliate by opening up the car door and kicking him out but I knew Cindy and the rest of my family would deal with him for messing with me. The only thing I was to figure out was how I was going to be able to escape this horrible man to get to Ocho Rios, Raymond had taken my phone and I didn't remember anyone's numbers.

The drive to St Catherine was a horrible one, the windows were wound right down as the wind nearly blew off my lace wig that was in desperate need of changing.

That night we slept in Patrick's house, a scheme house in Brunswick Avenue in Spanish town – Jamaica's most dangerous parish. It was 2am and I had been locked in a separate room and couldn't sleep as all I could think about was escaping the house and heading to Cindy but I couldn't as there was no transport. Besides I probably would have got shot as I left the front door. I got up and crept to the door putting my ear against it and could hear Raymond, Patrick and Roger talking about drugs and guns. I longed for a spliff as I calmly inhaled the fumes of the high grade coming from the living room, it was the closest I would get to smoking it.

I could hear Raymond's footsteps coming towards the bedroom, I jumped back in to bed lying on my side pretending to be asleep as he came and laid next to me hugging me with one arm. I felt absolutely repulsed. I started to cry in silence as I longed for my two beautiful children who probably thought their mum had abandoned them.

It was April 17th, I had been in Jamaica exactly one month, I still didn't have a phone and was still locked up at night like a prisoner in the room listening to gun shots every night but I stayed humble and tried not to act like I hated Raymond to much who was out every night robbing tourists to get us by with food every night. Every night he would come back with dinner and make love to me like none of the bullshit had ever happened. I felt sick every time he touched me but at the same time was grateful he made sure I had food in my belly at night. This night I was lying down in the bed with Raymond I turned to him hugging and kissing his face. 'I have a very good Cousin in St Anns and I really wanna see her,' I said stroking his face.

'Okay tomorrow,' he said kissing my lips. I looked in shock as he actually agreed, I couldn't believe he was saying yes but it was under strict conditions I didn't say anything or I would be punished. I had planned on telling her everything if he was to get up and go the toilet and then I knew I would be protected.

We got up and got dressed and made our way to the bus station and waited for the small ass minivan, they called a bus, to load. Everybody was looking at me because they could tell I was British, Jamaican people could tell British people from a mile away.

We had got off at the best station in Ocho Rios and even though Raymond was the Jamaican one I felt like the dominant one because I knew the place better than him. Leading the way on to Milford road we walked into the Bucksfield scheme, approaching Cindy's house you could see all the kids playing on the balcony. I ran up the stairs as they all came running at me, it was Cindy's two boys, her three nephews and two nieces who were also my family members. I held Cindy's kids who were my God children tightly, imagining I was holding my two own boys.

Cindy came outside smiling her head off as she hugged and kissed me. 'You lot alright?' she said smiling at me and Raymond who was at the back of me talking to all the kids. Cindy led us inside her house that she and her mother who was my blood auntie Mary had finished building up, Cindy looked after all the kids as her sister had moved out to enjoy her freedom having. Sitting in the living room my auntie Mary walked out giving me a hug, I knew what was coming and I had dreaded this question the whole journey. 'Where's the kids?' Aunty Mary asked.

Looking at Raymond who was looking at me as to say 'you better not say a word' I turned to her smiling. 'They are at school Auntie, they couldn't come because I would get fined for taking them out.'

Aunty Mary had cut all ties with the family and hadn't seen them for fifteen years when they blamed her for my grandad getting her pregnant and having Cindy at fourteen so not only was she my cousin but she was my auntie as well. They accused Aunty Mary of seducing my drunk of a grandfather who drunk himself to death because she was always dressing up in sexy clothes. Aunty Mary had decided to go back to Jamaica and have Cindy there when my grandmother disowned her and told her the police would lock her up for having an incestuous relationship with her father. She still kept in touch with until she realised what a massive bitch my mum was ten years ago and for this reason I knew there was no chance family in England would know I was here.

Two hours later and that idiot Raymond had finally decided to get up and go to the toilet after play fighting with all my little cousins. Cindy could tell something was up by the relief on my face when Raymond left the room, she looked at me and put one hand on my shoulder as I sat next to her. 'What's happened to you?'

I looked at her and started to break down inside but before I could say anything Raymond had walked back in the room telling me it was time to leave. Cindy looked at Raymond as if to say she would kill him if she found out anything was up. Looking at me dead in the eye: 'Time for us to go, Nicole. I got to get back to do a few things.'

I looked back at Mary who asked what my number was.

'I don't have one,' I said trying to hold myself together. Raymond tried to brush Cindy off by giving her his.

Cindy ran into her room and came back out when me and Raymond got up to leave with Raymond leading the way as Cindy walked behind me, she slipped a small phone in my back pocket that was covered by my long top. I felt such relief looking up in the air thanking God. Cindy watched as we walked down the balcony and out of the scheme and didn't take her eyes off us until we were out of sight.

That same night while Raymond was out I went through the phone and found her number saved under 'my number'. I called her that night and told her everything but made her promise not to say anything as I was still in his house and didn't know how to describe exactly where I was and needed a plan on how to tell the Jamaican authorities that I was kidnapped and was taken on the run. She went ballistic and vowed to help and rescue me once she hatched a proper plan. I felt relieved when I realised I was going to escape Raymond and get him locked up for good.

Tuesday June 23rd and me and Cindy still hadn't formulated our plan about how I would escape. Me and Raymond would regularly go to see her and she would do funny things like hide his shoes when he came over or put her dried bogie in his food while I watched in delight. I still hadn't managed to contact nobody to tell them where I was even though the opportunity to do so came up many of times. I felt awful about the shit I got myself into and was too overwhelmed with guilt to call Raj but the longer I was putting it off the worse it was getting. I also wondered how Sarah and Juliet were, especially Juliet as the last time I checked her Facebook she was pregnant. I had also met a lovely guy called John who I confided all my problems in. I was getting a chance to go out and meet people as Raymond gave me more freedom and insisted on how much trouble I would be going back to England especially as I acted as a ghetto way driver and it was his word against mine. I would go to John's work place regularly in Spanish Town where he worked as a security guard every time I needed a chat.

I started making money by doing lottery scams with Raymond and his cousins which was phoning people in America and telling them they had won the lottery. Raymond had managed to get details for people who were signed up to a particular bingo gambling site so from there it was easy for them to believe they had won money and that they must pay fees or taxes to claim the prize by sending it to Western Union and indicating I was doing them a 'service' by allowing them to pay fees up front in order to avoid further hassles, taxes, paperwork, lawyers, etc. About ninety percent of Americans fell for it and the money I made was brilliant which meant I could buy all the things I needed and was secretly saving up money for a ticket back to the UK. Life was beyond depressing and I prayed that Police would find Raymond and through away the key.

Wednesday July 24th and me and Raymond where down in Fisherman Beach and I had absolutely had enough of the beating and him beating me half hour ago was the final straw. He was beginning to get on my tits like cancer and this time I decided to fight back when I took him by his hair that was in a ponytail and swung him 360 degrees clockwise and boy it felt good. We had fought that day when I refused to do his hair with me being so tired so he decided to curse me in front of all his friends who he had met a couple of month prior. I decided to be the bigger person and walk away and go to my cousin's house but he had snatched my bags and took my phones and threatened to throw them in the road and boy was he serious and that's when he began to beat me with everybody watching. He bullied me into getting back on the beach and doing his hair.

I finished his hair and decided to tell him and the whole of fisherman beach exactly what I thought about him and all the shit he put me through and called him out for being a granny rapist. He completely lost it and started to pull my hair to the ground and stamping on my face while I coward in a ball. I got up and made my way to the town centre where he followed me hurling abuse at me. I got in taxi and he followed me, as we got in the cab he starting calling me more names which got me so mad I slapped him on the chest when he swung his right hand into my mouth. The force of the punch I knew something was wrong I felt my mouth and realised he knocked my tooth out and bend three all the way backwards. I looked at him and shook my head like I expected better. I had never seen Raymond look so shocked. He started to lean against the inside of the car door where he opened it and got out. I got out and decided to walk to the police station considering I was a minute away from there. As I looked back about seven police officers had Raymond up arresting him. I walked up to him to show him the damage he had just inflicted on me but was blasted by police to go and wait at the station as he cried being led away in the police jeep. As I got in the station I decided to shout out all the crimes he had committed including the robbery, the rape and the fake passports.

The police had given me a telephone to ring my family and to ask if I could stay the night and of course they didn't say no.

I went to the hospital that night but sadly they couldn't do anything about the teeth Raymond had damaged and told me I would have to seek a dentist.

The next morning as I woke up in Aunty Mary's and Cindy's house I was called to the table for a sort of 'family meeting'. Cindy's sister, Amy, was there and started to blast me when I admitted everything that had gone on in England and Jamaica and asked how I could be so stupid. They forced me to go back to the station to press charges even though I was quite reluctant as the Jamaican authorities had probably called the home office to warn them they were holding Raymond.

Sat in the police station a different officer from the immigration board was put on the phone to ask me when my time in Jamaica was up as on a British passport you could only stay three months but I also had to inform them the passport was a fake.

Sitting back down in my seat as I was told I would be fine and that I should wait to be interviewed. An immigration officer walked in and took me to a room and I knew I was really going to fuck up Raymond now as I told her the story she was void of all expression and informed me the passport business was my fault and that it was my word against Raymond's. She had also informed me that I was wanted for the lottery scams as it had been tracked back to my name on my fake passport that went by the name of Cherelle Thomson. I was made to speak to the Home Office and was told I will be attending court the next day

I couldn't believe it as they led me out in handcuffs and into a police jeep to discover bay police station where they held women. I was in shock at how cold the officer who physically examined me was. She humiliated me by making me strip naked and squat to the ground to see if any phone would fall out of my pussy or anal.

I was led to the jail where there was three other women named Jackie, Alexandra and Whitney. Jackie was forty-six and on a fraud charge, Alexandra was twenty-two also on a fraud charge and Whitney was my age twenty-five and on a GBH charge. The jail was horrible and had a disgusting bathroom and two cells next to each other. Prisoners were made to sleep on the floor on the concrete. The girls were welcoming and made me feel very comfortable without hostility. We sat that night outside the cells on the floor. I sat there and seethed, still in shock that they had actually turned around and arrested me. Jackie sat against the wall waiting for Whitney to finish using the shower. She turned to me and smiled. 'You okay?'' she asked with pity in her voice.

Biting the corner of my bottom lip I turned to her. 'Man, I just want to go home,' I said, hitting my head against the wall. 'I can't believe the shit I have put me and my kids through its so surreal I just want to wake up and this be a dream.' I pinched myself, praying to God to wake me up from this awful nightmare but unfortunately I was in reality and feeling the consequences of my actions.

That first evening there was horrid but all the women seemed to have lifted my spirits and had persuaded me to eat the nastiness they called food which was served in a piss bucket. They served us cabbage and rice that smelt like fart but I had to eat so I had energy in the morning for court. Jackie was like the mother so I listened when she told me I should be okay if I just went to court and presented myself well but I was going in the clothes I had and had absolutely nothing until Cindy came with my clothes.

It was the morning of court and the same bitch named constable Simpson who did my examination was the one who collected me to take me to court. She had this smug look on her face as she placed me in the car. Two other police officers came to escort me to court and little did they know they had loosely handcuffed me as I was able to undo my cuffs and just waited until they saw once they pulled up outside the court house.

As we pulled up constable Simpson came to the back to get me out the jeep, she looked in disbelief when she saw the cuffs in my hand. 'How did you take those off?' she demanded.

Now it was my turn to give her the smug look as I shrugged my shoulders, the officers turn around looking stunned.

I was in the court house in St Ann's Bay and it was my turn to take the stand. The judge was a cold hearted bitch that just informed a prisoner he would have to stay in jail until he paid his $178,000 child maintenance bill which was about £1000 in British money. Jamaica's wage was equal to 80p an hour so how the hell was this man going to pay that but I guess it takes two to tango and he you make them you pay for them.

I was now on the stand and the same immigration officer who arrested me was the same one to give evidence against me. She got up to inform the judge that I had overstayed on a fake passport and I had been caught doing lotto scams. Cut a long story short, the judge was not interested in anything I had to say and just ignored the fact Raymond had kidnapped me and put me on a plane here. I didn't manage to get any words out to the judge as she sentenced me to five months for five months for fraud but ignored the fact I was out on fake passports as she could she me getting in distress and by the state of my mouth by the damage done by Raymond she took some kind of pity. But after my sentence I was to be extradited back to the UK to stand trial for assisting an armed robber. I was to be sent to a women's high maximum prison in the next one month.

Two weeks later on May 8th all the girls had left. Jackie had been sent to Fort Augusta the high security prison where I was to be sent for five months. The others were freed after having served their time in jail. We had one more prisoner come and go, her name was Boopsy, an elderly lady aged sixty-two. She was hilarious but had mental health problems but was funny with it. She kept making sexual remarks to Constable Martin and Jessica who was a fourteen-year-old girl on a murder charge. Well murder until the stupid officers realised the guy who she stabbed who tried to rape her was still alive. I hadn't been getting along with any of the police officers and was a nightmare prisoner through tantrums and food and clothes out the cell. Cindy had come a week earlier and insisted on getting Raj's number to tell him what has happened but I demanded she never and that was that even though it was so painful not knowing how my kids were.

I overheard the police officers asking a new prisoner questions as I laid on the concrete floor. She was let in and had her examination but I noticed they spoke to her with respect. Probably because she was a Jamaican and I was only one by decent so they didn't see me as one of their people. I laid on the concrete as she popped her head through to introduce herself as Mariam. I pulled my head back smiling and waving 'I'm Nicole.' I was missing Jackie so I wasn't in the mood to talk.

Two hours later I got out my cell and went to her cell and made the effort to talk to her. I began to realise how much I liked her and we had already bonded so well in those two hours. She was in here was receiving stolen goods but was adamant she didn't know they were stolen.

The next day two prisoners named Sharon and Charlene came in, Sharon was forty- nine and had been arrested for not paying six months' worth of rent but she had refused with the amount of damage her house had. I didn't blame her though especially when she told me the landlady had refused to fix the damage. Charlene was twenty-seven and arrested for receiving stolen guns but before it could pass the security borders it had already been found before it could reach to her but she denied knowing of any existence.

I had a blast with Mariam and Sharon, they were so kind always sharing food they got on visits. Charlene had been sent to Kingston jail.

We would stay up all night and have funny chats and me and Mariam would take the piss out of Sharon saying her boyfriend, a much younger man, would not pay the rent bill but surprisingly he did and one week later she was released. Mariam had been to court the next day after she arrived and was due to leave soon so it would've been just me. I got so depressed at the thought of having to go to Fort Augusta and made desperate cries for help by slitting both my wrist and my arms. I also threatened to hang myself. Mariam screamed for help calling the officers who just looked at me without a care in the world not even helping me accessing bandage for my wounds telling me I was to be released as the judge had now decided I wasn't guilty. I thought I would need a retrial but this was Jamaica and they were backwards so I didn't pay that no mind. Mariam had left the following day and I was due to leave the day after.

Today May 24th and it was my day to leave, Constable Martin had informed me I was to pack up as I was heading to St Ann's police station where immigration were to pick me up.

I was so happy, there were no words that could describe the happiness in my heart as I sat in St Ann's Bay station waiting for the immigration officer to pick me up. I didn't have a care in the world for Raymond and hopefully he had hung himself in prison. One of the police officers had informed me Raymond had been extradited back to the UK to stand trial for rape and robbery. Because I was the one collecting the money I had to take all the blame for our crime here in Jamaica but would still be extradited to the UK to stand trial.

Sitting there still waiting for Immigration I was called over by a police officer, he was a big bald man about 6ft4 and had a horrible attitude and started to look me up and down.

'Get ready, Miss Palmer you are on your way to Fort Augusta Prison,' he said in an abrupt tone.

I looked at him in sheer horror. 'But I thought I was going home...they told me I was going home.'

'No you are not, they told you that because they tried to stop you killing yourself because we hate the paperwork now get ready to go and serve your sentence,' he snarled as he walked away.

I was completely stunned.

Sitting in the back of the police jeep, that's when reality began to hit me. It was July 23rd exactly one month after being in jail, I was being locked up in a Jamaican prison. Funny that, I remember always saying to my friends about never being locked up in a Jamaican prison with bare yardie women with the bleached out face and foot and blonde hair. This was he typical stereotype for a Jamaican women as the majority of them looked like that in the UK.

So I get out the police car and let out the handcuffs when a prison warden called Ms Jones calls me over to the table where she was sitting along with six other officers, three in green suits and three in grey suits. The green suits were the ones you went to when you wanted to complain about a grey suit not that they would give a fuck! These were Jamaicans after all! They never did anything properly.

Pointing her head down and looking at me through her glasses, 'Give me your name,' she asked in an abrupt tone.

I raised my eyebrow wondering who she thought she was talking to in that kind of tone.

'Nicole Palmer,' I answered.

'Do you have any belongings?'

'Yup I got my iPhone 5, my Blackberry Bold 5 and $300 dollars,' I replied. _Which is more then what you got you third world, bitch._

I handed my belongings over and was then bought in this small dirty box room and made to strip, in the search of drugs. Finding nothing she looked at my hair that was weaved and asked if it was real. Since when did black people ever have twenty-five inch hair I asked myself?

'No Miss,' I said in a placid tone, raising both my eyebrows.

She looked at the officer next to her. 'This has to come out,' she told Mrs Louise.

All came towards me ready to put her dirty hands in my head. _Oh hell no._

I had to back the fuck up. 'Leave my head Ms I got problems this can't come out,' I yelled.

The remaining four officers fly into the room now

'Don't get me ignorant today, do you understand,' one warden yelled.

'You don't have no choice Mrs! That will come out even if we hold you down,' Mrs Louise screamed.

'Look!' I yelled. 'I have alopecia. I'm bald underneath, this weave is specially made by the doctors,' I said to her. Five of the wardens just kissed their teeth and told Ms Jones to deal with me.

I slammed my bag on the table and rested my two hands on it taking a deep breath looking down at the right. Common body sign for people in distress. I started to pray to God but in my head I well knew I didn't have alopecia but tricotillomania which was an OCD condition where you couldn't help pull strands of hair out your head and I had pulled it out to nothing and I didn't want to embarrass myself and show people the result on what I had inflicted on my own head. Mrs Jones stood resting one hand on the door chewing her gum whilst looking at me in pity

'Nicole we're sorry you have alopecia but this is prison regulations and you have to take it out, when you stood at the table we could all smell it! It smelt extremely bad,' she said frowning.

I looked up at her screwing up my face like she had just slapped me.

'In the UK when I was in prison they never make me take out my weave,' I tried to explain to her knowing full well I was lying about ever being in Prison before. 'But typical bad minded Jamaicans! The most wicked people in the entire world! You lot make me ashamed of my heritage!' I shouted at her shaking my head and pointing my index finger like I expected better from her. I knew I had never even stepped foot in a English prison but I thought sure if I started gassing about how we do things in the UK they could maybe reconsider.

She went over to the other officers and I could over hear her telling them how my head did stink and needed to come out. But she was right though because I was told the same on my way back from court when I had to go there for my boyfriend Raymond after I decided to press charges after he punched one of my teeth out and I decided to drop the case though but to be honest I wish I never went back to the police station to report him because they would never have caught me which is how I ended being clocked as illegal in the country which meant I was an overstayer. Some crazy shit though because that's like telling a British born Indian they are illegal in India! But hey shit happens. But what I was mostly concerned about now was that I would be walking around with a bald head and a missing tooth like the living crack head! Allow it man.

Mrs Jones comes back into the room explaining the weave has to come out and bla bla so I just thought you know what? FUCK IT! I will just take the weave out and wrap my head which I started to do but the smell was horrendous from all the bonding glue and sweat mixed in together. It was so bad the staff were covering their noses but to my surprise my hair had grown a lot. Tearing one of dresses, I then used this to wrap my head and put the weave in the bin. One mad prisoner called Jennifer was going through the bin looking at the hair bit smelt it and threw it back in. Jamaicans had no shame.

Mrs Jones came out of another room and handed me over a bottle of bleach.

'No man this head need bleach,' she said making up her face. Another one of the wardens called Ms Brown looked at my tummy and asked if I was pregnant so I told her yes as I was getting a bit of a belly even though I had a period in the long arse month I was in Discovery Bay jail cell.

''Yes by about six weeks Ms,'' I said.

I had already been pregnant a couple months before I lost it but this time I was really praying I was so I could hurry the hell up and get deported off the island.

Mrs Jones looked at me and asked, 'So who is buying your ticket to go back to England? Because once you have your ticket you can go.'

'Miss I have no clue, my bank card was stolen and my family have no clue im here. I have kids who I ain't spoken to in MONTHS' I told her in a soft voice trying to hold back tears. Raj still had the kids with the help of Juliets and her mum. It didn't matter now as I was well and truly fucked by the time I would go back to England and speak to the social services.

Ms Jones took me to the outside to the sink basin to wash my hair. I had to walk past all these prisoners who looked at me like I was some kind of alien in the headscarf and broken flip flops

She washed my hair about a good seven times and that was the first time in nine years anyone had seen my head as I constantly had it in weave and braids.

'Ouch!' I screamed out, having my head pulled from side to side.

Tilting her head back 'This hair is extremely dirty,' Mrs Jones said In a tone where she was holding her breath.

Handing me a towel, I wrapped my head and was given a bucket with a plate and cup in there and made to follow this light skinned English girl called Eve who had to accompany me to my new cell. I heard one Jamaican shout out, 'You don't think your hair needs air?'

Being distracted by a load of stray dogs running around, I didn't even bother answer I just carried on walking with this girl who had an attitude that smelt as bad as when I had let lose in a toilet from a bad belly. A horrible impression on her face like her shit didn't stink.

'So how long you been here then?' I asked, looking down at the floor.

'Eighteen months,' she answered with her face void of emotion.

'What you in here for?'

'Drugs,' she replied bluntly, staring straight ahead like space was in front of her.

This girl was rude so I didn't bother say anything more. She probably thought I was being nosey which I probably was but I thought maybe she could be a fellow British prisoner I could have for support.

Now inside the dining area where I was asked my name by another warden. Looking around, shocked by what I saw expecting the same kind of cells I had in jail but nope! There were big rooms that twenty-five women shared with no cell doors but grilled gates with open holes.

'She got that Brixton look,' one prisoner said whilst staring at me in one of the dormitories.

She had a bald head and was black like the eclipse and definitely not somebody I would talk to so I didn't even entertain her.

I was bought to the receiving dorm where all the new prisoners were placed. The dorm looked big enough for ten people but had been housing twenty-five. The dorm was decorated with filthy grilled white windows above the beds. Two showers right at the end that had shower curtains that looked like they had not been cleaned since 1986. Beds that looked half the size of single ones. The only thing clean about the dorm was the red floor that looked like it was painted in clear gloss as an overcoat.

Gazing at a white English girl sitting down who I thought could become a friend as they weren't as rude as black English girls. She was sitting down playing cards with two other prisoners. I wondered what game they were playing, I hoped we could become friends and all play together. They might teach me more card games other than the game snap that was the only card game I knew. Fascinated, I stood there trying to figure out how to play the game they were playing, having got the hang of black jack in the last five minutes, they moved on to snap.

'Right! We don't like no informer in here. See and blind, hear and deaf,' one prisoner shouted out. Her name was Mama. I just nodded my head liked I agreed. She was scary; only way I could describe her was she was like a black sumo wrestler. Bulky in appearance and a face like a smacked backside, lying by her bedside that was decorated with pictures of her two children.

Walking up and down the dorm, I finally found a bed space on top of a girl who sighed. I tried not to let this bother me and just went over by the shower to bathe. I found a bucket that I began to use to wash my hair and could hair giggles of two other prisoners.

'She's washing her hair with the toilet bucket and instead of telling her them two a giggle,' Mama shouted.

_Typical bad minded people_. I looked around for another bucket.

After showering and washing my hair, I got dressed and stood by my bedside.

The white English girl and my new bunkie were at the other side of the room playing cards. I could over hear my bunkie asking why I was just standing there. I was new what did she expect me to do? Go somersaulting round the whole dormitory?

The white English girl invited me over to play cards and introduced herself as Leona.

We played cards and everyone in the dormitory

They were asking a load of questions about why I was being locked up; do I just say I was an overstayer? As I couldn't be bothered to explain I was in a fraud charge in another name and done my sentence in jail. I kind of felt a bit more at ease as everybody seemed kind of nice. I started boasting to Leona about being on the _Rise and shine,_ TV show when I lied and said I became a hooked to get out of debt. There was some truth in it.

All there gassing and talking too much when one rat ran into my pocket. 'Gross!' I screamed. People laughed and so did I. They were mostly young Jamaican girls. I began to being nosey and started asking what they were in for even though they didn't tell me. They were horrified the immigration kept me instead of sending me back and all felt disgusted. I thought these people were on my side and I felt like I could be myself.

I had my dinner that evening that consisted of dry rice and peas with a small piece of chicken you could just about see in your plate peas and now it had been locked down for the past six hours and we all were going to sleep. Lying there, I couldn't stop thinking about my kids and Raymond being on a long term jail sentence in the UK and blaming it all on me. I didn't have any numbers in England apart from Chantelle. Even though she had been my good friend for the past fifteen years I couldn't call her because she would just start chatting shit and telling people a bag of rubbish instead of how the story really went which was a bad habit of hers and I still couldn't forgive her for telling everyone about my escort past. I would rather have stayed in prison then tell her anything. Really and truly I should never have been friends with her especially when she would talk about her friends' business to me but I enjoyed her company and my kids loved her and her family. I definitely couldn't ring my mum as we hadn't spoken in all those years and rang social services to say I abused my kids and denied it to my family. She probably would have a field day to find out I was locked up in her 'mother land' but then again she was still grieving about the death of my sister.

Ms Jones came to check the number of prisoners in our dorm. She looked at me and asked if I as okay. I played there on my side with my hands underneath my face and just nodded. She smiled at me and left! As soon as those grilled doors slammed shut I knew this was it.

The beginning of my nightmare in Fort Augusta!

I been in prison a week now and I was starting to settle down, starting to get in my comfort zone. It was morning fly up and I was standing up by the corridor talking to Pauline from Brixton and another Pauline from Birmingham. 'I heard you was going mental in the doctor's surgery,' she said giggling, covering one hand over her mouth. I bowed my head down in shame with my hand covering my head like I was shielding my face from the sun. 'Oh my God yes,' I said trying to hold in a nervous little laugh. She smiled and shook her head and gave me a cheeky smile. 'You ain't easy you know, you best mind they don't look you up and inject you with something.' She was hilarious and the thing I liked most about her was that she didn't take shit from any of the Jamaicans here and told it how it was. As I stood to my side resting my elbow against the wall with my hand on my hip I stood there smiling with Pauline. I was all smiles, but underneath my laughs was hidden pain was the pain of the mess I had left behind in England. I had left my kids without money, an explanation and worst a mother. Pauline was laughing, she was talking to me as she stood directly opposite me, while I gave her direct eye contact but deep inside I felt as I was heading for a breakdown no matter how much I tried to hide it. It was evening and me, Natalie, Leona and Macka were playing dominoes while the others were watching TV and some were smoking a spliff. Me, Natalie, Leona and Macka were sitting on the ground. Natalie was shuffling out the cards. Macka was sitting on the floor with her legs cross and hands by her side on the ground. She looked at me and smiled. I smiled back at her, noticing Nana who was sitting behind her looking at me curiously sitting on the chair legs apart and arms folded over her legs. 'So my girl, what you do in England?' she asked with a cheeky smile on her face. 'Sell pussy and live life,' I laughed.

'Is that what you do?' she asked in shock while her prison friends looked on in horror.

'Yeah man I make a lot of money doing it, just sniff a bit of coke to get by mentally but I made enough money doing it,' I bragged even though I had quit that job after the attack. Natalie, Leona and Macka turned their attention from cards to the horror that was coming out of my mouth. Macka sat frozen holding a card on the floor looking at me in horror. 'So where you sell pussy? Down in Brixton where you live?' she eagerly asked.

'Not really, I do it anywhere, I get to go to hotels and shit. I went to the Prince of Dubai's house once and there were golden chairs and bare coke laid on the table it was mad,' I eagerly boasted back. Nana was what we British would call 'top dog' so I thought this was the perfect opportunity to get to know her. 'But obviously I don't live that lifestyle 24/7 cause I got kids but they got taken into care because of certain shit,' I said shrugging my shoulders. But I didn't mention it wasn't just that, the social services for Tower Hamlets had an anonymous referral from my mum I expected saying I was letting the lover of a drug dealer. I also started boasting about the guy who organised for me to be beaten and raped by six of his friends for passing him on the STDs. When he found where I was working. By this time all Nana and her friends were all sitting by me listening to the drama life I lived back home.

'Alright Nicole stop it now,' Macka said raising her voice and holding one hand near my chest from a distance.

I looked at her frowning wondering what her problem was as I was only trying to make friends. Nana looked her up and down. 'Just let her talk,' she said cutting her eye at Macka. I looked around the entire dormitory in a confused state.

'Has anyone ever escaped from this prison?' I asked. 'In here is so boring,' I said sitting with my elbow on my leg and head on my palm of my hands.

Ms Susan came out of nowhere pulling her curtain revealing herself laying down to the whole dorm. 'My girl doesn't even think about it because you must not know all around the prison full of crocodile and officers with shot guns,' she said in a rude manor with one hand on the curtain.

I let out a big laugh as I could imagine myself fucking and diving and doing dive forward rolls while being chased by an armed officer. 'No man I got to go so it's either escape or starve to death cause I ain't giving birth in here,' I moaned while nodding my head and hoping I really was pregnant even though I had a period the month before. I had a period with my first child so I knew I still could have been. Ms Susan looked at me like I was crazy 'you think they care if you pregnant,' she asked. Nana and the others looked at me suspiciously.

Nana looked at me squinting. 'I'm going tell officers you're going try escape or kill yourself, but I swear you lot said you don't promote informers.'

'But if you kill yourself then the whole of us will get into trouble.' I thought she was messing around, pulling my leg as they say so I just shrugged it off.

By now it was another awful night on them uncomfortable bed. As usual I lay as quietly as I could so my American bunkie wouldn't kiss her teeth at my every movement I made. As I layed there one arm across my head while the others were asleep I prayed they would call me to go home but all I could do was wait and see.

Going outside the day after my boasting, I made my way out the dormitory with Leona and Natalie. Stepping outside in the heat in my stripped prison uniform and headscarf outside. I was approached by a prison guard officer, her name was Officer Thomas. She approached me abruptly and place one hand on my chest area 'You, Nicole can get back inside and take that thing of your hand.' I looked at her like she was mad. 'No Miss I have permission to have it on and what have I done?' I asked.

She sighed. 'Just go back to your dormitory and someone will come and talk to you.' leading me back inside closing the door behind me and talking to me from the grilled doors. 'People in your dorm have approached us saying you were going to escape.'

I let out a nervous sarcastic laugh. 'Me?' Putting my hand on my chest. 'Who told you that?'

'Don't worry but for now we can't let you out so somebody will be there to serve you your breakfast, lunch and dinner.'

Rolling my eyes I just sat down with Macka who looked at me shaking my head like she was disappointed in me in some sort of way. 'You see I told you,' pointing her finger at me, 'when you kept going on about your nastiness and trying to escape I told you stop.'

Looking at her like I was innocent. 'All I was doing was making innocent conversation and in terms of trying to escape, that's hardly likely is it?' I said tutting. I couldn't believe how naive and dumb these Jamaicans were. I sat there thinking 'what hypocrites that warned me about what goes on in prison but there they were grassing me up.' The cheek of it I thought, I had a good mind to go to the Governors about the amount of drug dealing and taking that went on in the dormitories.

Casey just came out of nowhere drawing the curtains away from the top bunk revealing herself. She looked at me in disgust. 'You see the thing that will get you in to trouble Nicole?' Looking at me like I was nothing. 'It's your mouth.' Her hands doing the chatter box sign. 'My mum was murdered when I was nine, she was stabbed to death, she was twenty-three when she had me and this is the first time I am talking about this.' I turned my eyes from her, trying to ignore everything she was saying. I focused my attention on thinking about the boys – well at least I tried to with her still yapping.

I didn't even bother to argue, I couldn't be bothered but as if I was going to try to escape a prison surrounded by water full of crocodiles outside. I could hear Blackerry, Keisha and the lesbian Tommy from my dormitory telling everyone they were locking me in due to threats escaping. I totally lost it looking outside the grill doors squinting as if I was Chinese nodding my head getting ready to roast them on full blast, looking at Macka I said, 'Oh please as if I'm really going to escape here from a maximum high security prison! I won't even bother argue with these third world twats!' I let out a sarcastic laugh and put my hand up in the talk to the hand sign. I won't even bother to argue with these third world people, I'm British they are underneath me. Laughing in my head that shut them up.

Lunch time had arrived and thank god for that. I thought of calling Raj but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Not only did I feel to guilty to do it but I was broke and had no money left. An elderly lady approached me asking for help using her phone card, I escorted her to the phone box typing in her phone card code and dialling the number. There was no answer but standing with the phone listening to it ring out, I took the opportunity to memorise the ladies phone card code so I was able to make phone calls.

That evening in the dormitory I couldn't stop thinking about the boys, Sarah, Juliet and Raj. I wrote down the number from the woman's phone card code. I knew girls in the dorm had phones so I waited till night time to go to Nana's bedside to beg and plead to use hers. She told me to go back so I waited anxiously for half an hour and was called to the back of the dormitory by Tommy the cheeky lesbian girl. I was excited at finally being able to speak to someone, I already had Juliet's number that I had found in one of my jeans pocket.

Tommy stood opposite me looking at me with a straight face. 'So you want to make A call?'

'Yes please, nobody knows I'm here and I need to contact someone.'

'Well do you have money?' she asked raising her eyebrow.

Shaking my head. 'Well no.'

She gave me an evil kind of smile. 'Well for a French kiss you can use the phone for ten minutes.'

Turning my ear towards her, asking myself if I had heard correctly. 'Sorry excuse me?' I said, shaking my head. 'Basically you want me to suck out your tongue in exchanged for a phone call?'

'Yes,' she said in a straight face, then sticking out her tongue.

She pulled her head back. Her cold evil eyes like medusa looking at me. 'Sorry girl I have no credit,' she said walking of letting out a big evil laugh.

I stormed back round to my bed – to ashamed to be in anybody's presence. I could hear Nana, Keisha and Blackberry giggling. I held my hands against the sink as I began to cry my eyes out. I could not believe I was really going through this. I bowed down on my knees and began to pray to God that he would hear my cries.

By now the pain was getting my intense. I walked over towards the front of the dormitory where the television was located. Falling to the floor, I cradled my belly.

'Move out the fucking way, I am trying to watch the Television and change them dirty

Clothes, 'Throwing a newspaper at me from her top bunk 'why do you have to be so nasty?' she roared.

Her shouting echoed through of the whole dormitory who turned their attention to me

In intense pain, I somehow managed to scream with my whole body. I screamed out with

every contraction that were once every thirty-seconds. My eyes widened with horror; pain

ripped through my entire body like voltage, as I lay there cradling my belly. My cries for help were no good to anybody and fell on deaf ears as the whole dorm just watched.

Keisha and Blackberry; who were always laughing at peoples despair, both stood by their beds falling to the floor, I cradled my belly.

'Move out the fucking way, I am trying to watch the Television and change them dirty clothes,' throwing a newspaper at me from her top bunk 'why do you have to be so nasty?' she roared.

Her shouting echoed through of the whole dormitory that turned their attention to me

In intense pain, I somehow managed to scream with my whole body. I screamed out with

every contraction that were once every thirty-seconds. My eyes widened with horror; pain

ripped through my entire body like voltage, as I lay there cradling my belly. My cries for help were no good to anybody and fell on deaf ears as the whole dorm just watched.

Keisha and Blackberry; who were always laughing at peoples despair, both stood by their

bedsides, one hand on their stomachs, swinging the top half of their bodies band forth as they let out a thunderous-laugh.

Macka jumped up and ran to my aid when she saw it was serious. Tapping me repeatedly,

'Nicole...my god she really is pregnant,' turning to the other inmates who were by this time crowding around me, 'Go and get some help now.' A mother herself she knew when a

Woman was in labour.

'Macka I need to push,' pulling my prison gown up to my waist, 'I can feel it coming.'

Bending one leg in the air, I let out a roaring sound, followed by a massive push.

I continued to let out a few more pushes and by this time I could feel the baby's head coming. My screams sounding similar to the howling on a werewolf at night as the pain from the contractions continued to rip through my body.

Mrs Sapleton appeared in the dorm and grabbed the baby who was now out by this time.

'It's a girl,' she said, 'placing my daughter on my chest.'

Looking at my baby, her cord still attached, I felt a mix of emotions. I had never felt so

scared in all my life, having just given birth to a part of Raymond, but a few minutes later I

had this huge Overwhelming feeling of love and joy. 'Asia,' I whispered as I cradled her. I

had always said that if I had a baby girl, her name would be Asia.

The sound of my baby airing her lungs out through her crying could be heard along the corridor. I could hear all the other inmate run to the grill doors and gasp in shock but Mrs

Green shooed them away.

Nana handed Mrs Green a towel to wrap the baby in, while I pushed out the placenta in the meantime. By this time I was lying in a pool of thick blood; the smell resembled a slaughter house.

The prison hospital staff came with a wheelchair to lead me and the baby to get checked

over.

Sitting in the wheelchair holding my baby, I stayed into her eyes. It was almost like I was staying into the eyes of Raymond.

Staff were talking behind me being led away, mentioning the fact that nobody knew I was pregnant. The whole nine months I tried blocked it out and the fact that I barely looked pregnant made it slightly easier. Sometimes at night I would stroke my belly and whisper to her when nobody could her. I still bonded with her inside the womb.

We had reached the Hospital and were allocated a bed. I cradled her all night, apologising for what was happening. I told her I loved her and that things were going to be OK.

Over the next couple of weeks, people came and went – including Asia. The staff at the prison tried to persuade me to spend more time with her, but the longer I spent with her, the more I bonded, meaning it would be harder to leave her once I left. The plan was to leave her in Jamaica until I sorted out the situation with the boys. No way was I taking her back to England to have her removed from social services Keisha had beaten up a Rasta woman called Naomi when Naomi decided to defend herself from Keisha and Nana. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Keisha when I witness the beating. She gave Naomi a really bad beating. No respect for her elders I thought.

I began to befriend another lady from the dormitory called Mitsy. She was lovely and promised me that morning that she would give me her mobile to call Juliet. I trusted her as she had been giving me money and food in the last month. Misty was lovely. Me, Mitsy and Pauline would all sit together around lunch and just confide in each other about everything.

I was sitting in the lunch café area with a new friend who was serving a life sentence called Laura who had served fourteen years for a murder she swore she didn't commit. She was lesbian but never tried it on me. She put fear on a lot of the prisoners, well apart from Nana who through salt in her face when she tried to run her mouth. But I loved Laura she was lovely but I didn't like to talk to her to much as her girlfriend Miley would often give me grief and tell me to leave her women alone.

Half an hour later Mitsy took me to her dorm to make the phone call, I sat at the back step with Leah rolling her eyes at me as she couldn't stand me for what reason I do not know. I dialled Raj's number and after two rings he answered

'Hello who is this', he asked

'Raj, look it's me Nicole' putting my hand on my forehead and trying to stay calm, 'something terrible has happened to me, I'm in Prison and I have had a baby girl.

'Nicole', he said in a whispered tone.

I could hear a woman's voice in the background calmly asking for the phone to be handed over. 'Me and Raj are together and we don't want you calling.' It was Juliet.

My blood ran cold at what she had just blurted out to me.

My mouth dropped open 'Juliet, whats going on? And why are you with Raj? Raymond kidnapped me to Jamaica and now I'm in prison on fraud charges but I'm innocent.'

I could hear the sound of a new born baby in the background. I just knew from my gut instinct that the baby she was carrying was Raj's.

She put the phone down, my whole body froze as I stood there like a statue. This was not happening to me I told myself.

Kicking myself back into some sort of reality, I realised it was lunch time and I was nervously pacing up and down the dormitory. I began biting my nails and trying to pinch myself in hope of waking up from this nightmare that was in fact actually happening. I had been put on depression tablets for the past few months ever since being in Prison and new that my state of mind was going to get much worst. Raj and Juliet hit me hard especially as all I could do was imagine them at home with a big party playing happy families.

I sat down and texted Cindy to tell her what happened and found out that she found Juliet's Facebook and messaged her that I was in prison in Jamaica which is why Juliet was not surprised to hear from me. Cindy hadn't come to visit me but I was able to call her from Mitsy's phone. Words can't explain how awful this day was and what I was feeling, there was truly no words for it. Raj and Juliet were playing happy families with my children. Placing the phone back under Mitsy's pillow, I walked out back to my dormitory crying, slowly dragging my feet across the prison corridor floor, I began screaming I dropped to the floor. The Prison officers rushed towards me but obviously I couldn't tell the them I had just made a phone call so they just assumed I was going mad and called in three doctors to take me to the hospital's mental health unit to calm me down.

Grabbing each of my limbs, they dragged me to the hospital unit where I finally calmed down after much kicking and screaming. They tried to get me to do voluntary sedation but because I refused I was given an injection of haloperidol and lorazepam. When Pauline found out, she informed me that they were only meant to give this to me if I was under the mental health act so what they had done was illegal.

Later that evening I was back in my dormitory. The prisoners usually had a field day taking the piss out of me and my sudden breakdown. I was now known as the mad women and was being teased by a lot of the prisoners. They were making my life hell, they were doing stuff to me like pulling of my headscarf revealing my balding pulled out hair and shouting out that I was a mad women. Sitting on my bed, laying on my back as night time approached, I prayed to God for things to get better.

One prisoner who caught my eye was Jessica who had just been moved to our dorm today, she sat opposite my bed as we made eye contact as the rest of the prisoners now slept. I let out a little laugh but was far from amused shaking my head looking at the floor with both my elbows resting on both my thighs with my hands on my head.

Smiling at me as I looked back up. 'What's so funny?'

Shaking my head. 'Nothing, love.'

Giving her a suspicious look, I jumped into bed, Ready to prepare for another day in this hell hole.

December 10th. It was break time and I was sitting on my bed in my new dormitory along with some other inmates who were much better than the girls in the other dorm and showed more compassion. I got along with everybody in here but there was one girl called Robin who was in here for killing her five-year-old brother so I didn't have any communication with her. It had been two weeks since I was moved here to be kept on suicide watch. The girls in my old dormitory decided they did not want me in there but when the guards refused to move me the girls started giving me hell by tormenting me about how bad a mother I was just giving my baby away and about how unhygienic I was as I did not have money to buy basic sanitary. These girls continued to treat me poorly even though they found out it was not me that snitched on Jessica having a phone but the fact I was an easy target was a high contributing factor. I remember bullying this girl at school for the same reason so maybe this was my karma I told myself. I had finally had enough and decided to take fourteen tegretol tablets that I saved up. I broke down to Patricia and told her what I had done. She looked at me and slapped me in the face and told the guards not that they did much apart from kiss their teeth and kept an eye to see if anything would happen but unfortunately I survived even with guards refusing to seek immediate medical help. Dead or alive I just wanted to come out of that prison and to be honest I didn't even think about my kids. It was not until Patricia called the UK embassy to tell them what I had done that the guards finally decided to move me.

Sitting on my bed in my new dorm I continued writing a novel about an abused nun as I had a talent for writing but I never really pursued. It as I did not think it had any chance of getting published I just stay in the dormitory to separate myself from the other inmates.

Tommy Lee had come back inside the dormitory after a verbal slanging match with one of the other prisoners. That's right, they moved her into the same dorm and She had a face like a smacked backside as she approached our bedside while I carried on writing. She had a massive problem with me because she was in love with Jessica who had turned on me. Her and Jessica had been secretly been seeing each other whilst me and Jessica were having a sexual relationship who was using me for her sexual advantages.

She stopped to examine our bedside as she always thought I was nasty from what she heard from the other inmates. As I sat writing I prayed she was not about to start on me, something she would regularly do in front of the other girls, leaving me embarrassed. She came right up by my side leaving me no choice but to look up at her and gave a smile.

'Bitch haven't I told you about keeping this fucking bedside tidy' taking all my sanitary of the shelves and throwing them on the floor –'tidy up your shit,' she yelled in my face.

Without saying a word I jumped of the bed tidying our area in the way she liked it as she stood watching over me. After I had finished she right in front of my face it was like she wanted to kiss me but she continuously poked me in my head as she gave me further warnings as I stood just looking at the ground. After she had done I climbed back on to my bad feeling pure embarrassment. The whole dorm just looked on and didn't say a word because they were too scared to speak up to her. They would secretly tell me they felt sorry for the way she treated me but would never speak up to her. One person in particular who noticed was Amanda a prisoner from Holland who was inside for drugs but was also doing time for her pregnant sister because she did not want her to give birth in a Jamaican prison. Amanda was nice and had let me borrow her phone a couple of times to call Cindy to see how Asia was. I had spoken to Cindy the previous night and she informed me that Asia was fine but she had been taking hormone tablets to start breastfeeding her from her own breast milk as money was tight from having spent all the money on clothes and baby diaper that was a fortune in Jamaica. Another person that was good to me for Marcia who was a lot older than me in her mid-forties. She would often give me food but would also tease me in front of the whole dorm often leaving me humiliated even though I knew she was joking.

The next morning after being let out after breakfast, I took the earliest opportunity to sit Patricia down at the lunch table and confide in her about what Tommy Lee had been doing to me. I broke down in tears and Patricia shook her head. I was sat with my head to the ground with head in my hands pouring my heart out to Patricia as I told her the full extent of the emotional impact it was having on me. Patricia had never liked Tommy Lee because she saw on many occasions what an absolute bitch she was. I also told her about the teasing Marcia would do in front of everybody.

'Why didn't you tell me?' I said, shaking her head looking straight ahead of her. 'Nicole you have been through enough you can't let her treat you like this,' Patricia said calmly. She was so angry that she was actually calm.

I looked up and turned to Patricia, tears rolling down my cheek. 'Pat I don't have the energy left,' raising my hands up in front of me. 'Look at what I've been through.'

As I looked at Pat I could see Tommy Lee standing by the door by our dorm looking at me with such evil in her eyes.

'Pat I got to go now,' I said to her trying not to make eye contact with Tommy Lee.

She gave me a hug and looked on at me as I made my way back to my room walking past Tommy whose eyes followed my every move until I went by my bedside to lay down.

I could see Tommy and Patricia exchanging angry faces and I prayed Patricia didn't say anything and luckily she never.

It was evening lock down and it seemed like Tommy was in a good mood as I sat on my top bunk with her at the bottom and our dorm mate Marcia next to her. We were having a big conversation and I confided in Marcia about my early life, the death of my sister and the situation with my kids.

'Marcia I really value you as person and I'm grateful for your kindness and sharing your food with me you know,' I said to her smiling.

'Oh really, Nicole?' letting out a sarcastic smile like I had a nerve. She got up and sat next to Marcia. 'Marcia you know somebody told me they could hear her telling Patricia about how you tease her today,' she said giving me an evil smile.

Marcia looked up at me in horror and I knew it was about to kick off so I tried to reassure her it was not in the bitchy way she thought.

'No no, Marcia all I was saying is that sometimes when you tease me it can be quite embarrassing,' I told her shaking my hand.

Marcia was having none of it as she began to curse me in front of the dorm who just looked in shock with not one person leaping to my defence. I just lay down and turned to one side crying and praying for God to get me out of here. I heard Tommy whisper that it was her that told everybody that I had told guards about Jessica's phone and that she was glad she did and now her full evilness was beginning to take its toll on me. Marcia vowed to tell the Governor that she wanted to be moved and I knew that she would tell everyone what a bitch I was. Tommy took full delight of the verbal torment I was receiving that night as I lay there helpless.

The following morning Marcia went on and on about how she was still going to go to the Governor as she stormed out of the dorm. Gina. another prisoner, who could see how sinister Tommy called me by her bedside to tell me she was told me how disgusted she was by her behaviour and that she could see straight through her. She came with me outside to find Pat and had told her what happened

Patricia tutted as Gina told her the story. 'Nicole, don't worry, Marcia always thinks she is spokesperson,' she said in a quiet voice looking around to see if anybody was listening. Gina promised Patricia she would look after me and be there to talk to me when I needed.

That night I sat with Gina and was approached by Marcia who apologised for her actions the previous night. I got and gave her a hug not wanting to give Tommy the satisfaction of having more enemies in prison. Tommy Lee soon followed behind Marcia to come and stick her two pennies' worth

'I told her you didn't mean any harm and you was not the complete bitch everybody said you were,' she added as she smirked.

Gina looked at her with scowling eyes shaking her head as the two stared at each other as if they were having a staring competition.

Three days later and things were getting a bit better in a sense I had Gina, I felt refreshed as I came out the bath, got dressed and carried on writing my book that I had half way completed. Everybody in the dorm apart from Sasha, a convicted robber, was starting to see through Tommy's evil ways. Most of us also grew scared of her as she began to act in a strange manner. She would often get up while everybody was asleep and would go to everybody's bedside and would just watch them in her face like she did to me the previous night while I pretended to be asleep. I also found razor blades by her bedside and only lord knows how she got them.

It was lunch time and the UK embassy had arrived this afternoon, I went outside to find Pat in the outside area. Just as I stepped on the grass area I heard a voice call me.

'Nicole!'

I turned around and looked up putting my hand to my forehead to block out the shade. It was Tommy and Sasha sitting on a block of bricks. Sasha waved her hand to me as a signal to come to her in which I did.

'You know I heard the embassy tell the guards at the top that they have bought money for you along with the other prisoners after hearing from the guards you were being bullied for being nasty and not having money to buy your women things.'

'Really?' I tilted my head in surprise. 'When did you hear this?'

'About five minutes ago so go and get your money,' she said, shooing me away with her hand. I started making my way to the front turning around to look at Sasha and Tommy who were giggling then started waving when they saw me spot them but I decided to still go seeing as all the British Nationals had to see the embassy. As I approached the waiting area where we would see the embassy workers. Mrs Green was stood at her office door holding her clipboard, she looked at me and I wondered why she was giving me a pitiful smile as I looked at her dazed. She gestured me into her office. I nervously walked in and was met by Angela our regular embassy worker who also gave me that look of pity making me wonder why things were getting pretty weird. Angela tapped the chair next to her wanting me to sit down. I sat down with my hands on my lap with the palms of them facing upwards. Angela put her right hand in my hands and took a deep breath as Mrs Green stood next to her.

'Nicole, there has been some news.' She momentarily closed her eyes. 'Nicole, we have had the news from Raymond's mum that he has died.'

'What?' I blurted out in horror nearly falling backwards out my chair.

'Nicole. Raymond was murdered in prison.' Putting both her hands on the table. Raymond was beaten to death in prison by the son of his rape victim and he didn't survive his injuries but this is not all, Nicole...'

I had a million things going through my mind like what was he doing in the same prison as his victim's son? Surely they would have taken this into account surely? I felt so emotional as she had given me this news especially after all what he had done. I looked away from her as I had a million things go through my head but as soon as Angela mentioned money I switch my attention back to her. Raymond had five grand that he had kept to be given to me that his mother had sent to the embassy which they had given to the prison and I did not even question how where he got this money to give to his mum so little did Tommy and Sasha know that I really did have money waiting for me.

Angela took a closed envelope out of her bag and placed it in front of me 'She also sent a letter to be given to me that he wrote a week before he was killed.'

I took the letter out the envelope and began to read what he had wrote which read

Dear Nicole,

_I'm so sorry about what has happened and what I have put you through. I don't know what else to say, you know I'm not one for showing or expressing my emotions but I just wanted you to know I'm sorry and I hope this money helps and you find some sort of comfort knowing I am paying for my actions and every person I have hurt from my them._

love _always Ray_

Shedding one tear and placing the letter down on the table in front of me, it finally started dawned on me that Raymond really was dead. I sat there speechless, hands on my lap in shock. So many emotions were running through my mind and I didn't really know which to feel but in some weird kind of way I was kind of relived. After all the hurt and pain Raymond had caused me, he had finally got his comeuppance

The embassy had asked if I wanted to Asia back as well but I knew the UK social workers would still come to take her as soon as I arrived back and that would have meant another battle with another child on my hands as I still had to brace myself for the situation with the boys.

Mrs Green entered the room and stood by me, placing one hand on my shoulder as Angela stared right in to my eyes, not knowing what to say

Mrs Green placed one hand on my shoulder. 'Nicole I know this must be a shock to you but I want you to know that we are here to talk whenever you need', She said in a sympathetic voice.
Turning my head to her, I looked at her like she had some. 'Are you serious?' looking at her like she had some nerve. 'You are here whenever I need? It took for me to try to kill myself to get you guys to give me some fucking attention but now you are here? Now you care? Shaking my head I couldn't believe the audacity. I stood up out of the chair. 'Can I go now?'

I walked out of the room before Mrs Green could even get a word out. I couldn't stand being in her presence or that room with no air conditioning. That brutal heat pressed in the room, even the swat that stuck to me was no good. It trickled down my neck and back like a cup of warm water.

Walking straight out the office into the garden area where I vacated a seat next to Patricia

who was peeling sticky dumpling mixture of her fingers while sat under a tree that she was

using as a shield away from the sunlight.

'How you feeling girl?' her eyes focused on hands.

Sat resting my arms on my thighs, my fingers locked together and my head bowed down.

I cleared my throat. 'Raymond's dead,' I said. My head still looking at the floor. Still feeling

absolutely nothing. You would have thought I would of shedding a tear remembering the few

good times we had but no, nothing.

Turning her head towards me – speechless. She began rubbing my back and observed my facial expression to see if I was going to burst out crying I presumed.

Putting my hand up to head level. 'I'm fine before you ask,' saving her asking me. I didn't want to feel like I was dumping my problems on her. She was already feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work she had done in the prison kitchen. The last thing I wanted to do was add to her stress with my problems.

'Nicole, grieve if you feel like you need to grieve.'

'But I don't feel like that Pat, I will be honest' my teeth biting my bottom lip 'I don't feel anything at all. That bastard put me through hell beyond belief and I am just relieved that he can't get to me anymore.'

'But what about Asia growing up without a dad?'

Looking at her like she was mad, 'Oh come on Pat, do you really think I would of let Asia anywhere near him after all of that? Especially in a prison?' shaking my head convincing myself I was totally right to be feeling the way I was. 'And as soon as I get back, I am sending the guy who killed him some money because Raymond got exactly what he deserved.'

Patricia didn't bother argue with me and just left it at that.

It was also the day of Raymond's funeral over in Montego Bay where he was born and grew up for a majority of his life. He had his main funeral and cremation in London but his mother had chosen to come back to Jamaica to scatter his ashes over here. I declined his mother's invitation to attend his send-off and it was against prison regulations to allow prisoners to attend a funeral which was a good thing for Raymond's family because I would have spat on his grave and gone violently ballistic on his coffin for all the shit he put me through. No matter how often I thought about the good times we had together I could not show any emotions after his death especially after I knew he was the reason I had fucked up my life and my boys but I was determined to put my life back together and fight Raj and Juliet tooth and nail for my them.

I was still raging at the Juliet's betrayal and was more than ready to confront that bitch and knock out Raj if he even dared to get involved. Juliet really defied the saying 'Trust nobody', how she slept at night I really did not know. I wondered so many things about the children like were my boys crying for me at night? Were they being told not to call me Mummy? Had they been brainwashed against me? Or were my boys calling Juliet Mummy now? Sitting here with my elbows on the table with my hands on my head, these were all the questions that were going through my mind.

'Nicole!' Mrs Sapelton shouted as she waved me over.

I followed her over to her office to also be greeted by another embassy worker named Amber who was sitting at Mrs Sapleton's desk smiling at me, signalling me to sit down. I shook her hand out of politeness and smiled sarcastically as I took a seat followed by Mrs Sapleton. I sat crouched down in my seat folding down my three middle fingers with my thumb on my temple looking at this embassy officer dead in the eye. Putting her hair behind her ears, looking straight at me. 'Nicole I've had a message from the social worker and it's not good news I'm afraid.'

That stupid bitch Juliet must of told the social worker that I was in prison because none of the professionals knew about my dealings with the local authorities in the UK.

I started to squint, nodding my head slightly in a 'hurry up and spit it out' kind of way.'

'The social worker has informed me that you are not make direct contact with the boys and have been informed by Raj and Juliet that they do not want you attending their address but they have agreed for you to see the boys in a contact centre.'

She flashed me a sharp look as breathed in, breathed out. 'Also as you are aware as Raj has been looking after the boys with the help of Juliet for some time now they feel it would be in the best interest of the boys if Juliet was to apply for step-parent adoption.'

My face dropped down with my chin resting on my chest. 'WHAT!' I said in a quiet tone raising both my eyebrows. I could not believe what I was hearing, I was so angry I was calm for a couple of minutes. I started shaking my head and let out a sarcastic laugh like I expected her to tell me it was some kind of joke but she sat point blank.

I let out a loud laugh at that fact that I could not believe what I was hearing come out of this lady's mouth who was now sat there in silence. I leaned forward and put my hand on the table, looking at her in a way to intimidate her. 'Listen, they are my fucking children, I gave birth to them and pushed them out! Not fucking Raj and his back stabbing prick of a girlfriend tells me I cannot see my kids.' I leaned back in my chair folding my arms back looking away from Amber. I suddenly slammed my fist on the table

'Nicole, calm down,' Mrs Sapleton yelled as she sat next to Amber.

'How the hell can I calm down Ms and they are telling me I have to go to a fucking contact centre!' I turned and looked back at Amber. 'You tell that social worker I fucking said black people do not go to contact centres to see their kids! White people do that!'

'Tell them yourself, Nicole.' Calmly putting her hand on her chest. 'I am just the messenger.'

She took out a piece of paper and handed it to me with the social worker's name and number for me to get in contact once I arrived back in the UK. It was one long African woman's name and I knew from then I would be having problems with her seeing as Africans and Caribbeans had this whole beef thing going on.

The door suddenly knocked and there Adele from my dormitory was stood at the doorway behind me and I wondered how long she had been listening for especially after I did not want anybody knowing I was leaving, especially Tommy Lee. I turned and looked at Adele and rolled my eyes and looked back. Mrs Sapleton shooed her away and told her to come back later while I just sat there in a huff with my arms folded over wondering how the hell I was going to fix this messy situation with my boys that was only going to get worse.

It was a new day and I was still angry from the previous day with my meeting with the embassy worker Amber. I was sitting down with Gina during lock down after breakfast while Tommy Lee, Sasha and Marcia had a conversation amongst themselves by Marcia's bedside. Gina encouraged me to go back and really make positive changes and to leave it to good and advised me that things had to get better. Gina and Pat were the only people who knew I was leaving and warned me for my own good to keep that quiet but I did not plan on telling anybody else anyway. I had promised Gina that once I sorted everything out I would always be available to help her with money and I meant it which bought a smile to her face like she had been bringing to mine recently.

I decided to get up and do some washing at the basin standing next to Adele who was also washing her things. She looked and raised an eyebrow, 'you're going home in a couple of days ain't you, Nicole.' I tutted in response as Tommy Lee quickly swung her head my way from her bedside.

'You never told me you were going home.'

I looked over to Tommy. 'I was not sure because they did this last time telling me I was going and I didn't,' dropping my prison uniform that I was scrubbing into the sink, 'which is why I wanted to keep this quiet.'

Adele gave a 'uh oh' kind of face. 'Well at least that guy Raymond left you that money.'

I looked at Adele like I wanted to swing for her who quickly took her bucket of wet clothes and went to hang them outside quickly. Gina cut her eye at her as she walked out because even she knew this meant Tommy hounding me down for money that was not hers.

Marcia and Sasha had already gone out to do their prison work so did not know my news yet and I just hoped they would not be begging me for money that was not there. Tommy smiled at me like she was suddenly my best friend. 'Could I beg you fifteen hundred dollars which equalled to about eight pounds in English money but was still a lot to somebody in Jamaica that didn't have a thing. I could not buck up the courage to say no. 'Yeah sure,' I said as I looked over at Gina giving her a forced smile who shook her head in disappointment. I knew she was going to blast me and then tell Patricia who would go ballistic especially as she was continuously trying to get me to stick up to myself.

Eves entered my dormitory carrying a box of belongings and put it on my bed. 'It's from your family, Nicole, because Miss said you walked out in a strop the other day.' Eves left the room while I went over to my bed going through the box. I turned around and there Tommy was behind me, she looked over my shoulder then started putting her hand in the box looking at what I had. Gina came over and picked up the box. 'Come on, Nicole, I will help you.' Walking back to her bed area. Tommy squinted giving us an evil look as Gina violently pulled the curtain for privacy so Tommy could not take any of my belongings. Gina turned around pointing her finger in my face 'Don't you dare give her anything,' she said abruptly in a low tone while I just sat looking innocently.

It was evening lockdown and everybody apart from Tommy Lee was sat gathered around the TV watching the news about the Vybz Kartel court case. It was the longest running court case in Jamaican history and we were all eager to get updates on how the case was going. Tommy was stood at the other end of the room sat on the step.

'Nicole, come here.'

I closed my eyes and sighed, getting up and going to Tommy Lee who stood up and had her hands on hips, looking like a Mom who was ready to tell of her naughty child.

'The other day when you were getting of the bed you knocked my phone off the bed and now it's broken.'

'When was this though?' I nodded my head. 'I have no recollection of that what so ever.'

She came right up to me face to face like she wanted to kiss me, she was easily agitated and I could not be bothered to argue because I did not want her to pull of my headscarf as she had threatened previously, 'Whatever, ask me tomorrow.' I walked off with my hand in the air. I sat down and noticed Sasha looking and Tommy in disgrace and nodding her head.

That night I slept by Gina's bedside and I could over hear Marcia and Sasha telling Tommy Lee to leave me alone and that her bullying was getting out of hand. Amanda had already told me she did not believe I broke her phone. The whole dormitory began to really hate her now and her weird behaviour. A pregnant inmate had already moved because of her and her threats to kill everybody in the dormitory and being inside for twenty-nine murders; we all believed her.

The next morning Tommy approached me while everybody was outside having breakfast and she practically ordered me to tell the superintendent that I must give her, her money.

'Tommy I'm getting a bit sick of this now.' I turned my back against her. She pulled me towards her and then I heard a sudden voice shout. 'You fucking let go of her!' Patricia came marching over and pushed her onto the floor.

Three guards including Mrs Green came marching inside and demanded to know what was going on. Patricia looked at Mrs Green right in the eye. 'Ms this has gone on long enough now, she won't leave Nicole alone and has been bullying her.'

By this time there was a crowd around the dormitory looking at a ranting Patricia going on about what a bitch Tommy Lee was.

'Tommy get off the floor!' Mrs Green ordered.

Tommy Lee got up and looked at Patricia with such anger I thought it was all going to blow off so I just stood there.

Mrs Green turned to me. 'Is this true Nicole?'

I looked at Tommy Lee.

'Yes Miss it is.'

Sasha walked in and had overheard me confirm Tommy's behaviour, she walked towards Tommy. 'Tommy at first it was all fun and games picking on the English girl but your behaviour is getting out of hand.'

Tommy was called taken to super's room and warned to leave me alone while I sat with Gina with the rest of my dorm mates and dreaded her coming back. The prison did not take bullying too seriously and I only wondered what she had in store for me as I sat there waiting anxiously.

Tommy Lee was let back into the dorm and went straight to her bedside grabbing her bed sheet, she had a straight face as she went straight to the bathroom. I could see her tying up the sheet to the window then attaching it to her neck. I got up and ran towards her grabbing the sheet from a sobbing Tommy who slowly walked to the bedside.

'Bitch,' one prisoner called Nadine shouted out.

I looked around. 'Nadine go easy on her.'

'Not her – you!'

'Me?' My face dropped.

'Why you stop her? You should've let her hang and die like her twenty-nine murder victims.'

Sasha called the nearest prison warden who just looked at Tommy and walked off, Tommy was just there crying on her bed.

Amanda whispered to Gina that Tommy was in debt for breaking her girlfriend's phone and was threatened to pay the money back which made sense as to why see wanted money from me. I had the whole ward on my side so she was not getting a penny from me.

It was finally December 31st; the day I was leaving Fort Augusta after six months of pure hell and had even managed to weave my hair after growing back. Words could not describe the happiness I was feeling but also the sadness that I was leaving my baby behind but I knew that once I sorted myself out, I would come back for her. Cindy told me not to worry and to come back whenever I wanted for her.

All my stuff was packed in bags and I was saying my goodbyes to everybody but the one person I was going to miss was Gina. I loved her even more now that she had given Tommy to black eyes yesterday after catching her trying to steal money. Everybody came out to tell me goodbyes as I stepped out the dorm catching Jessica from outside the kitchen ten metres from where I was. I just looked at her and looked away and did not look back.

One hour later I was sitting outside Mrs Stapleton's office waiting for immigration to collect me to take me airport to be deported. I was given a six months ban from coming back but that was minor, that would have gone quick I thought as Mrs Sapelton handed me my mobile phone from inside the safe.

As I walked outside to be put in the immigration car Tommy Lee came running towards me wielding a razor on a toothbrush at me. The immigration officers backed away shielding themselves as I kicked Tommy down. She was then grabbed by two male guards who shouted out that she had just stabbed Gina in the neck. I ran into the car along with the immigration officers as Tommy managed to break free and started banging on the windows.

'GO! GO!' I shouted waving my hand at the driver to hurry up. They drove of as I breathed a sigh of relief leaving those gates.

Sitting back in the car, I closed my eyes and never looked back.

Throughout the journey to the airport, my attention drifted to the thought of finally confronts Raj and Juliet. Having been In Prison and so far away was mental torture – when all I wanted to do was beat both theirs ass – especially Juliet when she was meant to be my friend, where as me and Raj were divorced so he didn't owe me anything – most certainly not loyalty.

I finally arrived at the airport – and by this time it had started to rain. The smell of Jamaica when it rained was now so much more intense than it was after the rain. I was surprised at the difference. I did not smell any flowers and the scent of summer rain after a prolonged dry spell was quite satisfying – sweet and fresh was how I could only describe it.

Having gone through security, it was now time to board my flight. I was allocated a seat after being dropped of by an immigration officer. Embarrassing was the word that came to mind after everybody realised I was a deportee. I had always seen Jamaican people deportee from Britain but not the other way round. So this for me was shameful, but at least I was going home, going home to fight for my two boys. Asia was on my mind and I knew I would be coming back for her, I was certain she was in good hands but for now my concentration was on Elijah and Joshua.

'Open the fuck up!' I shouted as I banged down Raj's and Juliet's door. After three minutes there was still no answer –I began to question if they even lived there.

I had managed to get their address in Walthamstow from Sarah after much pleading and begging after going to visit her the same day I arrived back in the UK after five days as my plan was stranded in America for four days due to fog ash. I was staying in a bed and breakfast till I came up with some sort of plan of making money for the court case I would have been facing.

The only reason Sarah she gave me their address was because she fell out with Juliet after she got with Raj because she thought it would be psychologically damaging to the boys.

I continued to bang when Raj swung the door right open. He looked like he had seen a ghost.

'What do you want Nicole? We told you we didn't want you here.'

I looked at Raj like he had some cheek. 'What the fuck do you mean Raj? Where are my kids?'

Raj tried to slam the door shut but I managed to keep it open with one hand, I had that much adrenaline in me. I wanted answers and I wanted them fucking now.

Juliet had come up to the door and here we finally were, face to face, head to head. I was so angry I didn't say a word for the first few seconds.

'What the hell do you think you're playing at?' I blurted out. 'What kind of girl gets with her best friend's ex – plus has his baby?' I asked

'Things happen, Nicole.'

'What the fuck do you mean things happen?' I laughed 'What kind of morals is that?'

'Morals, lets talk about morals shall we!' Putting her hands up in the inverted comma sign before putting one hand on her hip, ready to give me attitude. 'You got yourself into a situation with a mad man that saw you in prison, you had a baby in there and let's not forget you became a whore which started this in the first place, you're a disgrace and you don't deserve to be a mother! I'm their mother; not you and when the adoption has gone through, you will never see them again trust me! Not that they remember you any way.'

I leapt forward to launch a head butt, but Raj managed to slam the door in my face before I could do so. I turned around leaning on the door for about two minutes thinking about all the harsh things Juliet had said before walking off in shame and disappointment I couldn't knock Juliet the fuck out. As I walked of I could have the echoing from a school playground in which I followed, wondering if I could have seen my children in the playground. To my horror and surprise I could spot Joshua playing with his friends as I walked up to the school fence. My mouth opened in shock as I emotionally collapsed inside, holding on to the school perimeter fence like I was back in prison. I was so overwhelmed with guilt and sadness I could not bring myself to call him over so instead I left. I walked over to the nearest bench I could find after two minutes of walking and sat down with my head down, face in my hands. I felt a sudden hand on my shoulder; I looked up to see Brian looking down on me. I looked at him and looked away, I could not be bothered with this shit 'what do you want Brian?'

He came and sat next to me. 'I heard what happened, are you OK?'

I looked at Brian and my face said it all, I tutted and just turned my head away.

He sat with his fingers crossed over his leg. 'So, where you staying now?'

'In a B&B,' I answered. 'I have no idea what I'm going to do Brian.'

I was surprised he even wanted to talk to me after the way I mugged him off to be with Raymond. He didn't judge me at all but instead felt pity for me and what I was going though. He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close to him, kissing me on my forehead. I had known him since primary school and we had history together way before I had my kids. We lost contact once we finished high school and by the time we got back into contact I was already. Married and pregnant with Joshua and by when I became single and went through all that rubbish, Raymond came into my life. I guess I chose Raymond because he had confidence, better looking and a bit of a bad boy. Brian was humble, quiet and lacked in confidence and worked as a retail assistant, something that he still did now, he was the complete opposite to Raymond.

We had been sitting together for an hour talking about everything especially about my ordeal being in prison.

Brian stood up and held out his hand. 'Come and stay with me.'

I looked at him and did not think twice about turning down his offer to stay at his place. I took his hand and stood up.

That night I lay in bed with Brian holding me all night, the gentlemen is was, he didn't try to seduce me. As I lay there I thought about how different my life would have been if I had chosen Brian.

I turned to face Brian. 'Why did you ask me here today?'

He looked at me smiling and rubbing my head, 'I've always had feelings for you and that will never change.' He kissed me on the forehead, holding me as we went to sleep.

'I need to see Dela, God damit!' I screamed as I banged my hand on the reception desk. I was at Waltham Forest Council to see the social worker with Brian. Brian tried to calm me down by putting one arm on my shoulder. 'Nicole,' he whispered.

'Oh shut up Brian!' I yelled back at him as I brushed him off me.

The receptionist was putting her hand in front my face trying to calm me down as she called over the security who also tried to calm me warning to kick me out if I did not quiet myself down.

'You don't have an appointment so I'm afraid I cannot do anything and you don't have a surname for her which does not help.' Putting the phone down as she shook her head. 'There is still no answer, you will need to get me the surname.'

'Dela Orangutan or whatever it is,' I breathed out heavily becoming agitated.

'I know who you're after.' Picking up the phone dialling the social worker's number. 'It's Dela Onwuatuegwa.'

I felt bad for the way I spoke to the receptionist as I walked passed her now avoiding all eye contact as I followed the social worker in to a private office with Brian.

We sat down in a seat opposite the social worker, waiting for her to tell me some rubbish. Brian tried his best to calm me down by holding my hand underneath the table trying to protect me mentally.

My blood boiled as she explained that the adoption was likely to go ahead as the boys were settled with Raj and Juliet and that the boys needed some stability in their lives. She did not know where to look as I began to rant and rave about how I was their mum and social workers only wanted to break up families and not bring them together. She soon turned her attention to Brian as I sat in the chair like a spoilt school child who had just been told of. I soon sat there silent because deep down I knew she was right and really and truly I had nobody to blame but myself, no matter how much I tried to say the kids should have been back with me from ages ago. She had set up contact in a contact centre for me and the boys for a week from today that would be supervised with a contact supervisor. I was so numb and so lost for words.

That same night I was in Brian's living room on the phone to Cindy, talking about how Asia was and how she was going up and developing. Cindy assured me that she was okay and that she would email me some pictures. I was touched by her motivational talk to me about how God would pave the way for me and how I needed to put my all into getting somewhere with my books for the sake of me and my children. I was really determined for my silver lining to this grey cloud, really determined to change my life for the sake of my children. Cindy also informed me that she had contacted Fort Augusta to see how Gina was after I told her what happened while I was stranded in America. Gina was okay and was recovering from what Tommy had done to her. Tommy Lee was put in isolation and was due to face trial after her awful attack. I put my hand over my mouth as I began to cry because I still blamed myself after all of what happened. Cindy hated when I got emotional but I could not contain myself after all the hurt and anger that I had inflicted over so many people all over the sake of a man.

I had the TV on the background playing, it was the Johanna song 'Don't give up' the way the lyrics touched my heart and moved me.

The powerful lyrics she sang

' _These bad days will go away  
Things change people fade  
But you're pain will go away...'_

Nodding my head to the song taking in the lyrics while still on the phone I knew that putting it down to God and trying to make a better life for my kids if I just put my mind to all the determination and dedication.

January 13th and I was sitting in the contact centre with my feet crossed shaking nervously waiting for the boys to arrive. I had met all the staff in the contact centre and had been allocated a room and a supervisor called Shannon for the boys and myself. I could not help but notice the number of black children who were here to see their parents, given to foreign foster parents. I looked around and shook my head in absolute disgust. These white social workers were terrible even though the boys' social worker was black but I knew she was selling out to the white social workers and her coming from an African background I thought she should have known better. White people have been separating families from slavery times so I knew you could not expect better from them.

I had a feeling of negative anticipation as the boys had not seen me in so long and I wondered what their reaction to me would be. Brian bought me a whole load of snacks and new toy cars and educational books for the boys as he wanted to show the professionals that I was catering to their educational needs. I was still looking for work and I could not really spend the little bit of money I had left which I wanted to use for my coursework.

The buzzer in the contact centre went off and it was the boys coming in with Raj, dressed in their blue puffer jackets and on their scooters. They did not come running to me with open arms as I hoped they would but instead stood next to their dad reluctantly wanting to come to me with no emotions on their face. Raj left while our allocated social worker made it easier for me by telling the boys they came to have an exciting time. She led them into our allocated room where we all followed her. I sat down as the boys stood up by Shannon looking to scared to come to me.

'Come here,' I waved the boys over to me. 'Don't be scared' signalling the boys to come to me.

They walked over to me as I greeted and held them in my arms trying not to let them see me burst in to tears. It had been so long since I held them in my arms, holding them for a good five minutes as I breathed a sigh of relief.

With an arm around both of them. 'Are you okay, boys?'

Elijah gave me this cheeky kind of smile looking down at the floor while Joshua still looked sad.

'How are you Joshua?' kissing him on the cheek.

'I'm fine thank you.'

I started tickling them to break the ice and watching them burst out laughing made my heart rejoice and made me feel at ease. Shannon sat down and looked at us smiling as she started to type her notes as they had to do that. At least if they said they wanted to come back with me I would have proof of this for evidence to go to court with.

An hour into contact and the boys were getting over excited possibly from the amount of sweets I gave them. The boys' behaviour started to become a bit excited and hyperactive which started to get me nervous as I was witnessing Shannon writing down everything as the boys started to become unsettling.

Trying to calm the boys down and distract them from messing up the room any further with toys and food packets by getting them to do some colouring in with me.

'Come on, boys, can you lot do some colouring for Mummy?' Pulling them towards me.

'I don't want to!' Elijah shouted.

Joshua copied his brother 'Yeah I don't want to!' screaming from the top of his lungs.

Holding my face with both my hands, 'Please, boys', shaking my head. 'Juliet does not know how to discipline you lot does she?'

'But she knows how to look after us,' Elijah said looking straight in to my eyes.

Shannon did not know where to look and looked as in as much shock as me as we both could not believe this came out of Elijahs's mouth. Joshua walked over to the corner of the room in a strop, standing against the wall with his arms folded and his bottom lip sticking out like a spoilt brat.

Putting her note pad on her lap and gently placing her hands on her note pad book

'Okay boys it's time to go home now your daddy will be outside,' Shannon said.

'Yeah Daddy is coming,' the boys yelled excitedly as they placed their coats on.

They ran out the door without saying goodbye to me and this left me devastated so I did not bother running after them but instead sat down with my head faced down in my hands. Shannon came over to comfort me, sitting with me rubbing my shoulder. 'Nicole do not worry sometimes this can be normal for kids who have not seen their mothers in so long.'

I looked up at her. 'Are you serious, Shannon?'

'Yes, Nicole you would be surprised at how much I see this, just give it time. You have to remember they have not seen you in a while so will have all sorts of emotions going through their head'

That evening I sat on Brian's bed alone that night as he did his night shift in a bar, I was on his laptop looking for work on gumtree. I had been job hunting for the past one month I had been back in the country. Brian was regularly giving me money but I felt bad having to rely on him but I had no choice as I had put my remaining money from Raymond aside for my court case. I had been to see my solicitor and was advised that legal aid for adoption cases were no longer available which was why I was determined to find work and not by selling myself or doing the webcam especially as I did not want to mess up my chances of social services finding out with contact with the boys who I was seeing every week was now going so well.

I got up and went to the kitchen to find my mail that Brian would normally leave on top of the fridge. I sat down on the sofa opening my letter, it was a letter from the family courts in Holborn. My heart starting to race as I was scheduled for my first court hearing this time in five week... March 12th.

I suddenly started to remember the saying Patricia used to tell me

' _You will encounter many defeats but you must not be defeated'_

These words touched my heart and soul so deeply in so many way

It was the first day in court and words could not describe the anxiety I was suffering. I felt like my heart was going to burst through my chest as I stood with Brian.

The judge entered the courtroom and told everybody to sit down. Brian was sat on my left as he held my hand for some sort of mentally security and to also show Raj and Juliet I had support and was not alone. Raj was sat on my right followed by Juliet who kept making eye contact with me as we gave each other looks of hatred. We had our solicitors sat in front of us ready to take on each other.

I was confident my solicitor, Caroline, was going to put on a good case for me as she was very passionate about her job. She was not very judgemental about what I had gone through but was very realistic about the possible outcome which was Juliet becoming their 'mum'. When she told me this I thought: 'over my dead fucking body.' I had to have faith and try my hardest to get a good outcome before I decided to go and burn down Raj's house while my kids were and at school while them mother fuckers burned so I could get the kids back if I did not get caught.

I decided to let of a foul smelling fart prompting Raj and Juliet to look my way as I smirked whilst Brian shook his head in disgust.

The judge entered the court room and took a seat and sat down and told us to do so. The way she did it was like somebody was on a murder trial.

The judge cleared her throat as she read through the application and made her directions about matters, such as the timetable for filing reports; correction of documents; contested issues; additional parties; further directions; and if possible, the date and place for the final hearing. The boys were appointed a children's guardian to represents the kids at court and to provide a report of what they believe to be in the kids' best interests. Everybody believe that the boys should be signed to Juliet under the adoption except from me and Brian and I knew deep down my solicitor thought that to but her job was to fight my corner.

So the first hearing lasted half an hour and it was decided that Raj and Juliet would be applying for a residency order, which social services agreed was more appropriate. I had to talk to my solicitor who warned me that everybody in the court room googled my name and found the news article about my attack. She also informed me that the children's guardian, Tim, wanted to have a quick word with me in private but Brian was allowed to sit with me as support.

So I was sat with Tim in front of me and Brian with a face like a slapped backside. Tim took his pen and notepad out and started me asking loads of questions. He face was dead serious the whole Tim making me feel nervous.

He sat back in seat and paused for a while. 'Nicole you know all these things such as the newspaper article, your ex, going to prison and starting a fight outside the boys' mum and dad's house is not going to help you I promise you, he shook his head.

I put my index finger up like a child wanting to answer a question in class. 'Excuse me, number one – that bitch is not their mum and number two – this not my life anymore.' This time I wanted to be the one to intimidate.

Tim let out a nervous little laugh. 'Looking at the paper work, Juliet most probably will become their mother which will mean you will have no rights whatsoever.'

Brian turned to me. 'Nicole, you have come out of everything and are still standing strong,' rubbing his hand on my thigh, 'I promise we will fight this tooth and nail.'

I looked at him with a smile as tears streamed down my face.

'Well that's enough for today I think,' I said looking at Tim.

Me and Brian got up and made our way outside and we couldn't help but notice the middle age African women we saw while being checked by security entering the building crying to her solicitor. Her three-year-old daughter had just been adopted. I remember seeing the little girl earlier as happy as anything with her appointed children's guardian. Brian looked at me and took my hand as to say that wouldn't be me. The next court date was set for exactly a month's time on April 12th. But Raj and Juliet had informed their solicitor that their wedding was on this day. I was in shocked but agreed to go for the second hearing in April. I had absolutely all the fight in me to get my boys back wedding of no wedding.

Elijah had told me yesterday how excited they were about the wedding but for the sake of the boys I kept in all my anger especially as contact was still going well. At home that night while Brian was at work I carried out with my novel and had stay up all night and had almost completed it so decided to carry on looking for work. A week ago I'd been called for an interview in Marks and Spencer's but me being stupid , I gave the details from my old employer from the cleaning job and when my reference came back stating I was unreliable because I disappeared when Raymond forced me to go Jamaica I didn't get the job.

I decided to go to the off licence to get a couple cans of cider and came across a couple of drunken black girls who were making noise in the shop and were told to leave. When one of the girls caught me watching she started to tap her friend on the shoulder. 'Hey, that's the _prossie_ that had her baby murdered,' she started to laugh while her other friend started in me. She came face to face with me like two boxers before a fight. 'Stupid bitch they should have taken your kids from you,' she spat in my face but was pulled off by another customer in the shop who through her out while I wiped her spit of my face. The Indian shop keepers just stood in shock and didn't even offer me a tissue to clean my face.

The guy who through the girls out was a middle age man in his thirties called Jack who happened to be someone who lived on the next road to me and Brian – someone I had regularly seen on my travels 'Are you okay?' he said as he put both his hands on my shoulder.

I fell in to his hands as he took me outside of the shop to calm down. I turned to him and hugged and kissed him passionately for a few seconds. He pulled back and looked in shock but a kind of wow shocked. We looked each other in the eye. 'Come home with me,' he took my hand, 'I just live down the road.' I didn't even think about Brian as I followed Jack home. We got to his house and started taking of our clothes and left it in a trail as made our way to his bed. He pushed me in to the bed as his opened out my legs and began to lick out my private part. Jack was amazing and knew how to hit the spot. He turned me over and began to put his tongue up my anus. I held on to the bed head and bent right over face down arse up. I turned on my back and spread my legs out wide pulling him on top of me and putting his penis in me. I slammed his hips up and down in fast motion as he fucked me. He pulled out and came on my stomach and collapsed on top of me. I immediately regretted it that night but still decided to stay. What was wrong with me? Why was I not learning?

I woke up the next morning and looked at Jack who was still fast asleep. I jumped up to put my clothes on and looked at my phone and had twenty missed calls from Brian. I thought of lies to tell Brian why I couldn't come home that night.

I put my key through the door and made my way into Brian's room who was sitting on the end of his bed with his head in his face down and his elbows on his thighs. He looked at me and stood up coming towards me. 'Where were you last night?'

I took a deep breath, 'I stayed at a friend's house last night.'

'What friend?'

'Two girls, they... I was in a shop and two girls recognised me from the papers and spat at me...' I looked like a lost puppy as my eyes weld up.

I thought then Brian would have some kind of sympathy for me but I was wrong

'Man or woman?' he asked.

I paused for five seconds.

'I said man or woman?' he screamed.

'It was a man.'

'Did you sleep with him?'

'No.' I knew I couldn't lie to him after all he had done for me. 'Okay, I did sleep with him, I'm so sorry Brian.'

Brian had no emotion on his face as he turned his back to me. I touched him and he brushed me off. 'Brian you were at work and I had nobody, it meant nothing.'

Me and Brian were not official but it was no secret to how he felt about me.

'So you couldn't call me? Your mum does not live far why couldn't you go to her!?'

'Excuse me?' I looked in horror. 'After everything she had done to me?'

'Nicole, that was a long time ago, why couldn't you make amends with your mum and go to her instead?'

'I'm not arguing over this.' I went to turn around to walk out of his bedroom when he pulled me back. I looked at him 'Remember that baby she made me get rid of? It was yours.'

Brian dropped to his knees in disbelief. His eyes were still on me while I looked down to him. His eyes became filled with layers of tears. A tear dropped from his eyelids to his cheek with every blink he took. He bottom lip began to shake with every-word he tried to make exit his mouth.

'Mine'. He said in a quiet voice, hand on his chest, falling on his bottom, now sitting down. Too sad and shocked to cry out, he just sat there like a lost soul, looking like he wanted me to tell him I was lying, his facial expression – tear soaked eyes told me he was begging for me to tell him it was all a lie. Immediately I dropped to the ground. Curled up hugging each other in tears – I began consoling the broken heart I had caused him.

It was the week after Raj and Juliet's wedding and I had dressed up in my Nike tracksuit to beat up Juliet. No way was she and Raj getting married no fucking way that was not happening under my dead body. I still had not found work and had no money to pay my solicitor for the second hearing and was going to take my anger out on everybody. I felt raged, hurt and beyond deceived and was ready to kill. Brian and I had barely spoken since what happened and was sleeping separately. I couldn't ask him for money because things were hard up already and he was still paying for all the shopping and bills.

I noticed on Juliets facebook that Sarah was a bridesmaid. Seeing my boys happy in the church while Raj and Juliet said their vows sickened me and I was ready to turn up to Rajs and Juliets again until Brian talked me out of it.

There was one week left until the second hearing and there I was spread out on the sofa still jobless on a nice summer day. I still couldn't afford to pay my solicitor to attend my second hearing. Only a grand was left in savings but unfortunate this was not gonna cover all her fees I needed double that. I couldn't go to Brian because he could just about afford to maintain me leaving me feeling absolutely useless and so lonely inside. Brian hadn't mentioned my encounter with Jack and neither did I. It had been a few days since Jack saw me down the off licence and called out to me, having gone back to the same shop where it all started. I felt too much shame to look at him that day so I kept my head down and kept it moving.

Sitting there holding my chin with my index finger and thumb looking at read notification on the message I had sent my brother, Romeo, I knew he was disgusted with me. The fact that he didn't even reply back to me said it all I thought, as I sat down in my chair, sighing in disappointment. He was still serving in the army so I could only imagine the stress he must have been going through, which made it easier for it not to get to me too much.

Chantelle also tried to contact me on Facebook book, it read:

Hi Nicole, how are you and how is your daughter in Jamaica? I know it's been a very long time and we have bumped into each numerous times and we both haven't said anything. So it's a bit funny that I am messaging you now out of the blue. However, it would be nice to hear from you and sorry for what you went thru in Jamaica!

Knowing it was dodgy I didn't even give her my time of day to respond. 'Dumb bitch,' I said out loud. This bitch thinks I'm stupid, I told myself knowing full well she wanted gossip as her hobby was finding drama. I was well aware of the fact it was big mouth Juliet that had told her about what had happened to me.

Paranoia overcame me and started to think everyone was plotting against me so I definitely would lose my case.

Things would eventually work out wouldn't they? Positive thinking I thought... or was it wishful thinking? Either way I kept telling myself that God wasn't going to give me more than I could bear but deep down I couldn't bear anymore.

Clenching my jaw, struggling to fit my foot in my trainers having decided to take a trip to west London, I was telling myself there were certain places I still wanted to see, knowing I wanted to end my life. The easy way out so I didn't have to deal with all this shit! Having put both shoes on my feet I sat there with the thought of coming back as a ghost and slapping Raj around the head while he and Juliet had sex like something out of a movie.

'Just come, Nicole it will be fun.' Brian wrapped one arm around my neck and kissed me on the cheek. 'You can't stay in here all day.'

Brian had the night of and was persuading me to go to a casino down in central London to get me out the house to cheer me up. All I wanted to do was tell him to fuck off but I was trying not to be a bitch as always so refrained from using any bad language.

Sat slumped on the sofa in the living room being persuaded by Brian to have a good night out but how could I when there was one week left to my second hearing and I or Brian didn't have any money to have the solicitor attend. We didn't have any money for a solicitor but we were going to a casino like we did. How does that work?

Brian tried to see the best in every situation. Every day before he got up and went to work he would ask me what I wanted to achieve on that particular day. I can't believe I chose Raymond over Brian. I could imagine the kind of stable life I could have had with Brian and could have kicked myself at the fact I didn't in the first place. It wasn't like I could try to erase Raymond from my mind, no amount of counselling I was having could ever help heal the amount of pain I was feeling, especially when I gave birth to Asia who I still hadn't checked upon and ignored text and picture messages from Cindy about how she was doing and the progress she was making. Out of sight out of mind I kept telling myself.

He took both my hands shaking them up and down like a child begging his parents for sweets. 'Oh come girl it would be fun.'

Rolling my eyes away from Brian, holding my breath in trying not to giggle a little, I said, 'Okay, Brian,' pulling my hands away.

Brian knew I had a habit of not being able to say anymore once I was under pressure. This was my weakness so he often took advantage of this once he wanted me to do something he thought would lighten my mood.

Feeling like absolute crap I went to the bedroom to get dressed.

Looking in the mirror, I began to break down in tears while standing there frozen. Accepting the fact the kids were probably never going to get returned to me.

Walking to the wardrobe, shuffling inside it through clothes looking for paracetamol tablets I took two packets out and placed them in my bag. Wiping tears away as I put my bag over my shoulder I set off out with Brian.

Walking outside it was rather cold weather, the harsh wind blowing so hard it felt like a tornado; aggression in the sound of the wind; depression in the colour of the sky. Grey clouds that just wanted to see a better day. I was looking forward to dying and going to heaven, I just wanted to be with God in a garden that resembled the garden of Eden like I'd seen on the television. Having my suicide planned out in my head, I knew every detail of how it was going to go .The plan was to take both the packets of paracetamol with a bottle of whisky, in a place where nobody would find me. In a public toilet early in the morning way before cleaners would find me or in a deserted forest somewhere. Finally giving up on life, admitting defeat. Horrible world we live in was I starting thinking walking through the park on a grass area full of dog mess. Knowing this was all messed up and that my kids would never forgive me but I was of no use to them, I was of use to anybody. Feeling irrelevant to the world.

Walking down further in the park with a play area full of children and their parents. I stopped and watched for about ten seconds before bursting into tears. Seeing the parents push their kids on the swings got me up worked up. Every single child in that park looked happy regardless of the weather. The parents made sure their kids had on their woolly hat, gloves and puffer jackets, something I wish I could do, get my kids dressed in my own house and take them to places they liked, like in the past. Covering my mouth to stop the sound of my crying not wanting to be noticed I carried on walking on to the end of the road. I spotted someone smiling who lowered his eyebrows in confusion. Brian put his arm around my shoulder trying to comfort me

'Let's go for a nice Lebanese,' he said looking at me, holding me tight like I was the most precious thing he had ever seen.

A faint smile was only the only expression I had energy for, staring into space, walking straight ahead, not paying attention to who was in my way. The only thing I wanted to do was shrivel up and die, not sit there in a Lebanese restaurant eating kebabs with the whole entire place smelling of shisha.

We made our way to the cab office in Glenor Street and got located a Muslim driver wearing a headdress. I got in the cab feeling weary without taking my eyes of this man that looked like he was a suicide bomber. I was always conscious around them Muslim folks dressed like those in a dessert.

Brian opened the car door and signalled for me to enter with his hand like a bodyguard doing his duties.

Here I sat leaning my head against Brian's shoulder, telling myself this was the last time I was going to see him again, like something out of a movie.

As we sat down beside each other, Brian leaned his head against the car window not saying a word as my head rested against him. Looking up at him, Brian was silent, conveying no emotion on his face. He often was deep in thoughts when he went quiet he did that a lot. I wondered what was in his mind when guilt overcame me knowing what I was planning on doing.

Brian turned to look at me, 'What's up?' He was stroking my hair, smiling at me.

'I love you so much,' he said, rubbing the palm of his right hand against my cheek, as I took deep breaths, preparing my goodbye. The driver looked up fiddling with his rear view mirror without saying a word. He sighed and slammed his hand on the car horn at the driver in front who was barely moving through traffic. Brian wiped the steam of the car window to see how traffic was progressing.

After what felt like a lifetime, the driver finally turned a corner and pulled up outside the restaurant. We both pulled the hoods from our jackets up as jogged into the restaurant 'Taste of Lebanon' it was called.

A waitress immediately greeted us and showed us to a table in the far corner on the left hand side of the room. Walking to the table, the smell of the succulent lamb followed through the room like a gust of wind. Holding Brian's hand as we tiptoed in between belly dancers giving happy diners a show at their table. Looking back, starting to envy the group of smiling diners slapping their knees to the rhythm of the music. Everybody in the entire world looked like they were happy and had no problems in the world but me, nobody had a care in the absolute world but me who planned to end her life tonight. Pretty fish though I thought from the side of the wall, the tank had this beautiful blue light inside and it was full of different kinds of the fish but the one that caught my eye was nemo, everybody knew the nemo fish. Looking at the fish tank I remembered the days when I would take the boys out to buy some and they were reluctant to choose any other fish unless it was the 'finding nemo' fish – their favourite movie.

We got to our seats and Brian did his gentlemen duties as usual, pulling out my chair before taking his own seat. As Brian proceeded to take his seat, another waitress came over with a pen and paper ready to take our orders.

She started reading out the specials, pronouncing dishes I have never heard of in my life. I couldn't help but notice her beauty, her curly golden locks of her, her body that resembled one of a belly dancer.

With a confused look on his face Brian said, 'I'll just have the mix grill.'

'Times two please,' I added, holding up the number two sign then giving her both me and Brian's menu.

Securely holding the menus under her armpit, the waitress stood holding the pen to the note pad. 'Anything to drink?' she said raising one eyebrow.

'Yes water... tap that is,' I answered.

Writing down the last of our orders, the waitress smiled and walked over to the kitchen .

Brian started yapping on about work, as I sat back slightly sinking into the chair folding my arms. His words were just going through one ear and out the other but I nodded constantly to make out like I was listening anyway. All I could see were his lips moving, it was if I had put him on mute when all I couldn't hear anything but silence. all I could think about sitting there in the chair was Joshua and Elijah Asking a load of questions in my head like what they were doing and how they were feeling. Before we knew it, the waitress was walking back with our orders in her arm. Shaking my head, I was back to reality when the smell of the food went through my nostrils and woke me out of me daydreaming. I sat up and fixed my napkin onto my lap and grabbed my glass and took a sip of water.

Brian attempted to suck air into his mouth to cool down the big chunk of chicken he was so eager to stuff in, unlike me who was constantly blowing on my food. With a mouth stuffed with food Brian took a big swallow. He leaned forward and looked up at me. 'You never know, Nicole,' he said starting to wipe the chicken of his teeth with his tongue, 'we might get lucky at the casino later and all our financial problems will be over.'

Tilting my head to one side with my fork in my salad I wondered if he was serious. I didn't even have to shout so he could hear what I was about to say, I'm sure my face said it all when I crossed my fingers in between one another and shook my head. 'Brian, everybody in the world probably says that,' I said, tutting and flinging my napkin off my lap on to the table, looking to the side when I noticed a couple trying to have argument where nobody would notice. It was a young white lad full of tattoos with a blond Mohawk, roughly in his twenties who had muscles pushing through his shirt. His slim petite girlfriend who I am guessing it was had her head down staring at the table looking to afraid to look up. Brian looked over his shoulder to see what I was looking at and knew I was going over to confront them when we witnessed the boyfriend lean forward and grip his girlfriend by the arm. Swinging out of my chair, I went over to the girl demanding to know whether or not she was alright. Putting one hand on her shoulder, 'Are you okay, babe?' I gave her a look of reassurance so she knew not to be scared and to speak up because everybody in the restaurant was watching at this point. Her boyfriend got up and swung my hand off her and came up right to my face like he either wanted to kiss me or head butt me and it was obvious which one he wanted to do.

'Leave her alone! Don't touch her!' he shouted looking me up and down. By this point Brian had got in between us trying to play peacemaker, he wasn't much of a fighter at all. By this time the girlfriend was looking at both me and her boyfriend and I knew by her facial expression she wanted rid of this man. I took both my hands holding one of hers and began pleading with her 'Please leave him, it will only get worse, I used to be you.'

'Yeah but not with me,' Brian added.

The boyfriend barged past me, pulled his girlfriend by one arm who looked back at us and walked out the restaurant pass other shocked diners. Our waitress approached us asking if everything was okay, looking at her, I started to cry, shaking my head and walked of out the restaurant. Brian tried to run after me but was stopped by a member of management who walked in front of him demanding the bill. Brian took out a fifty pound note, handed it to the man and ran outside to me. Catching me by the arm, he turned me to look at him and could clearly see the distress upon my face hence the reason he didn't have a go at me. He just took me and held me as I wrapped my arms around him crying hysterically telling him I was sorry. He told me I had nothing to be sorry for and held my face and kissed me on my forehead. I looked up at me, 'Can we go the casino?' I asked. He looked at me and smiled. 'Of course we can'.

It was approaching midnight and me and Brian were in the casino in the west end where we had been for a few hours. The casino was full of rich men old and young, some of them were accompanied by beautiful looking women who were clearly escorts. Brian had not gotten lucky yet but he was having a good night while I was standing around drinking. I was a bit tipsy from having several middle age men buying me drinks to the approval of Brian.

Brian was well and truly into his game of roulette, having the time of his life unlike me. Still contemplating suicide, I looked in my handbag at the box of paracetamol wondering whether or not I should go through with it. Suddenly I felt this tap on my shoulder and closed my handbag, I turned around to a white man who was in his fifties who held his hand out to me, 'Tom.'

'Nicole,' I said with a smile shaking his hand.

'So how was the night going, Nicole?' he asked with confidence.

'It's going okay,' I answered quietly.

By the designer suit and jewellery this man was wearing you could tell he was well of and proper full of himself the way he was coming across overconfident and cocky.

After five minutes of talking, Tom started to make sexual advances to me, putting his hand on my bum taking advantage of the fact that Brian couldn't see. Slapping his hand away, I looked at him in disgust 'Don't you ever touch me.'

He looked at me like he had been very offended. 'I thought hookers like you liked to be touched by guys like me, I was going to offer you money.'

Opening my mouth in shock, I couldn't believe what he had just said. 'Excuse me?'

He pointed his finger in my face. 'You're that hooker, I recognise you from that site a while back! You are a disgrace and I hope a whore like you doesn't have kids.' He walked off leaving me astounded. Looking at Brian who was unaware of what just happened I suddenly walked off to the toilets having had enough. I pushed open a cubicle door and sat straight down. It was quiet and only me in the entire restroom.

Sitting on the toilet seat with the door closed I placed my handbag on my lap and rumbled through and took out the box of painkillers and an old bottle of water that was days old. I pushed out twenty paracetamols and stuffed them in my mouth and placed the bottle of water to my lips when my cubicle toilet door suddenly banged.

'Your fella has gotten lucky out there,' a female voice shouted.

Bouncing up I opened the toilet door and spat the paracetamol down the loo and opened the door. There was a young brunette lady standing in front of me. 'Your fella has won his game.' I looked at her in disbelief. 'Sorry?' I asked.

'Go see for yourself' she said.

Jogging back out to the main part of the casino, I could see dozens of people crowding around cheering on Brian who was punching his fist in the air like he was cheering on England scoring the winning goal in the world cup. He turned to me and ran up and hugged me in the air swinging me around with such excitement and to my shock that I didn't say anything. He put me down, held my face with such happiness. Holding me tightly he whispered to me 'Fifteen grand, babes and I want you to go to pay the solicitor tomorrow. Bursting in to tears of happiness, I tilted my head forward onto Brian's as he tilted his on mine.

'Nicole I don't even have a ring,' I said, looking down on the floor before looking back up. 'l wasn't even expecting to do this tonight.'

Before I knew it, Brian was down on one knew holding both my hands looking at me dead in the eyes. Some people smiled while others gasped in surprise at Brian's sudden proposal.

I took my right hand to cover my mouth so I wasn't crying too loudly 'Oh Brian, yes, yes, I'll marry you,' I said crying happy tears. Pulling him up with the other hand, I grabbed him by the shirt with both hands and planted the kiss of life on him, he couldn't get a word in. The whole room was filled with people clapping while me and Brian stood there holding each other promising never to let each other go. This man wanted to become my husband, even after all the crap I had put him through. He still loved me the same and accepted all my flaws I thought as I hugged him tighter.

The sound of Caroline my solicitor stamping the receipt was the best thing I heard all day. Scrolling down and seeing Raj's face on my WhatsApp I thought 'bring it on' protected was what I felt, knowing I had my solicitor and fiancé backing me.

Carolina placed the receipt in front of me, leaving me thinking that I had something to frame when I got home. Standing up, I shook Carolina's hand and went out the door. The weather was about twenty degrees and everybody was dressed in their summer clothes. Some people were sunbathing in the grass but I was dressed fully clothed giving the solicitor the message that I was well and truly serious about making a good impression in court. It was a good summer time feeling and the summer jams coming out of several passing drivers' cars had me feeling the vibe even more was making me feel it even more. I started power walking trying to get home so me and Brian had enough time to ring shop. Because he didn't propose to me with a ring, he was eager to get one. I'd better call him I thought to myself, he was at home looking online for a bigger flat so the boys and Asia could have a room. We knew if we got the boys back, it was no problem flying Asia over, the child I barely knew. The child who was calling another women Mum, worrying was now on my mind. At least I had Brian to help me through this, he had to cancel all his cards that he had lost last night at the casino after his big win.

Holding up my marriage finger up, admiring my white gold diamond engagement ring, I was sat on Brian's lap on the bed with a smile bigger than the Grinch. I turned to Brian, 'I love it and I love you,' I said. You could see the sparkle in his eye, everything just felt complete in that moment of time. Staring at Brian, holding him around his neck, kissing him all over his face, the man I love. Pushing him on the bed with one hand, undoing the zip on his trousers. I want to stare right at this man when I tell him I love him as we are fucking. Quickly going over to the dresser to turn on the lamp, I jumped on top of him, locking his body with both my legs. Smiling as I made my way down onto my knees to suck his penis while he unbuttoned his shirt then held my head down. Getting up slightly to take of my trousers and my knickers, I could feel my pussy getting wet and my nipples getting hard.

By this time we were both fully naked on the bed, feeling the wetness on each other's private parts. Pulling Brian on top of me and wrapping my legs around him, I grabbed his stiff dick and placed it inside me. Biting my lip, looking up at him holding on to his arms, swinging my hips back and forth towards Brian who was on his knees and hands dead still. Opening my mouth catching the sweat of his forehead, admiring his sexy body. The washing machine on spin was blocking out my moaning and groaning so the neighbours couldn't hear my loudness.

I let out a little smile when he came inside me, I always loved the feeling of warm ejaculation. This was the kind of intercourse I loved, proper love making with someone I knew I absolutely adored and who adored me.

We lay there side to side, his arms wrapped around me. 'Love you,' he said as I kissed his hand.

'Love you more,' he said kissing my hand back. It was the perfect moment, love in the air, rain outside adding to the cosy mood. I always loved having sex hearing the rain outside, it made love making extra special.

That same night we video called Cindy and Asia and My heart started to rejoice just staring there at her, the most precious beautiful angel in the world. It felt like I was touching Asia in person as I placed my whole hand on the laptop screen. Seeing her little hand touching Cindy's phone made my eyes start to water up feeling like she was touching me back.

'Look at this right here,' Cindy said as she placed Asia on the floor in her living room. Gasping in shock I turned to Brian grabbing and shaking his hand. 'Oh my God she can almost crawl.' I leaned forward, kissing the laptop screen.

'Oh wow just look at her,' Brian said with happiness in his voice. It was the best thing I had seen for ages, my five month baby starting to crawl at such an early age. I began to giggle watching her smiling with only one tooth at the bottom of her mouth. Feeling all these different emotions, excitement that she was developing well but sadness at my absence. Brian went back into the kitchen.

''Don't worry, Nicole, Asia is doing absolutely fine,' Cindy said, reassuring me.

''But I've missed out on so much,' I responded, putting my head down in shame.

'Give it time till you have sorted out what you need to sort out, you will have the rest of you and Asia's life to get to know each other. Now how are them beautiful boys doing?'

'I sent them a picture of Asia and Juliet sent it back.'

Cindy shook her head in disgust 'Only lord knows why she did that.'

'Because she is a bitch.

'Everything happens for a reason, you will get back them boys, Nicole, I promise you that.'

'I guess so, oh and I'm sorry I called you a few days ago saying I was coming but it would have been too much of a rush because the court case is in two days.'

'Totally understandable,' she smiled.

Asia was due a feed so it was time for her to go. Cindy placed Asia back on her lap and held her hand, helping her wave back at me.

'Brian she's going now,' I screamed from the living room to the kitchen.

Brian came in to say goodbye to Cindy and blew a kiss to a smiling Asia.

I huffed as Cindy put the phone down. I buried my head in my hands, feeling pain in my heart. Brian wrapped his arms around me 'It's okay, cry if you need to.'

Fighting back tears, knowing I had to be strong for all my kids, knowing it was just a matter of time like Cindy said. Knowing it was down to me and proving to the courts I had changed my life around.

Sitting up in bed that night, Brian was sleeping next to me. I decided to stay up that night to work to more on my book. It was the only thing that was keeping me going. The book was about an Irish slave who was treated badly by his master. Already having been given a lot of praise about it so far by Brian, he was always telling me you could do anything once you put your mind to it. He was right and made me want to prove to everybody I was more than a hooker.

Determined to become a successful writer I began to write more and more, my kids were my inspiration, especially Asia, the child I hadn't seen since her birth.

Brian had offered to send her over but I knew I couldn't risk it with social services. Wanting to do it properly I declined his offer, until I sorted out the situation with the boys.

Having too much on my mind at this point I decided to set off for a jog at 4:30am. Putting on my gym clothes and gym shoes and set off out into the night that was meeting daylight. Jogging and fixing my headphones on my head, I jogged round Stratford Park in circles. Out of breath but I kept going, listening to the birds singing and observing the dark sky turn to pink to get my mind off stopping because I was out of breath. Eventually I stopped by a tree, one hand on the tree trunk and one hand on my knee catching my breath. Looking at my surroundings, I started to feel on edge when I noticed a car opposite me with slightly tinted windows. Squinting, I could just make out that there were two guys in the car, we exchanged looks and then I began jogging. Turning the music off my iPod so I could be aware of everything, feeling like something was going to happen. I could sense pure badness as the car started to drive next to me when I began to run outside the park on the pavement. Running faster back home, the car started catching up, at this point I was sprinting Usain Bolt style. Again the car was catching up with me, I was sprinting my fastest at this point, praying for a car or person to appear. Should I start screaming? I asked myself but I didn't want to be deemed as a mad women or anger the driver who would eventually catch me and silence me. Turning back the car was gone but I still carried on running till I was eventually back at my door. I took my key out of my pocket as fast as I could. Struggling for breath, I collapsed on the sofa laying there on my side till I got my breath back and jumped straight back into bed with Brian who was still sleeping. Not wanting to worry him, I decided I wasn't going to mention it to him, not wanting to stress him out any more than I had.

Well that was the last time I went out running in an isolated park late at night I told myself.

So there I was, walking out of the off licence and into a block of flats that was decorated with urine and graffiti stains on the walls at the entrance with a small bottle of Jack Daniels in my hand.

I was on the stairs in these flats, dressed well suited and booted, I had been nervous all week. The only thing that kept me going was continuing writing my book, my stress release, something to keep my mind off, I was halfway there and very proud of my progress so far.

Clutching the bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, I opened the bottle and poured – taking shots and head down on the other hand sat on the stairs wondering how today was going to go. Yesterday me and the solicitor had a short telephone phone call about what to expect. We decided to go for overnight visits in order to prepare the boys to come home and we were confident the judge would agree. There's nothing to worry I thought, getting the energy to get back on my feet back to a waiting Brian.

Walking back home where the car was parked getting pissed off at the amount of dog shit here on the floor on the street that was hoping over to get to my house. Me and Brian had moved to a new three bedroom house in Stratford, east London where the rent wasn't too expensive and where he could be near to his new work as a manager in Argos. During this time I was walking to get home, I couldn't help but notice this same Greek looking guy in a blue Vauxhall Corsa on the opposite side of the road. Was this the man following me in the park? Was it by coincidence that I had seen this man for a third time in a week. Opening the car door, I sat on the driver's seat winding down the window. 'Brian!' I shouted. I placed one hand on the wheel and looked out the back seat, making sure that guy was gone. The signal was clear, sighing in relief. Blowing the horn, Brian made an appearance from out the house, tucking his tie, wanting to make a good impression. He jumped in the passenger's seat and leaned over to give me a kiss on the cheek. He looked at me 'Have you been drinking?'

'Don't start Brian, one sip won't hurt.'

'One sip or a few?'

Staring at Brian, I didn't even bother to answer. Taking my foot of the clutch and pressing down on the accelerator, going into second gear, I drove off.

We hadn't even been driving for five minutes or make it on to the main road when we were stopped by a police van at the end of the road. Parking by the pavement, I was approached by a police officer.

'Is there a problem officer?' I asked nervously, knowing I had been drinking.

The police man was a young officer around his thirties. 'Step out the car, miss.'

Without hesitation, I stepped out in front of the officer who was accompanied by more police in passenger seat of the van. Brian peeped through my side of the window 'Is there a problem, Officer?'

'Yes, this young lady was going over the speed limit.'

Closing my eyes I knew I was doomed when I saw the officer pull out a Breathalyzer.

'Well you have failed the test so I'm arresting you on suspicion of drink-driving, you do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned something that you later rely on in court, anything you do say may be given in evidence...'

My mouth dropped open, my eyes moved from side to side. I looked at Brian who sat frozen, 'Brian, my court case?'

I was in horror as I was handcuffed and put in the police van.

Brian followed about five minutes later, 'I haven't done anything!' he screamed, trying to resist arrest, protesting his innocence.

'What the—' I said when they violently threw Brian in the back with me.

Before we knew it, one of the officers had thrown a can inside the back of the van. The smell was something I couldn't describe. Lying there in the back of the police van, my head swiftly moving side to side, we both started to drift out of consciousness.

Slowly I began to wake up, looking around to nothing but blurred vision feeling like I was having an episode of sleep paralysis but soon realising I was on a bed and naked waist down with only my tank top on, my breast sticking out. It didn't take me long to guess where I was, smelling of semen in between my legs that made me physically want to be sick. Placed in a brothel being used for sex trafficking, taken here by bogus police men. The walls of the room were so filthy, I couldn't even tell what colour they were. Brown stains, mould everywhere and a table draw that was full of dust that echoed 'clean me', dirty net curtains that didn't have a patch of white on it and a bedroom mirror with nothing but dirty finger prints on it . My heart at an alarming rate, like it has never done before, wondering what the hell was going to happen to me. ''Brian'', I whispered, pulling myself up on the bed with nothing but a dirty mattress. It was approaching midnight and the room stunk and was a smell that couldn't be described.

To my horror, there was a young girl sat in the corner of this horrible filthy smelling room, curled up hugging her legs. We both sat frozen, exchanging a blank look.

My heart beating even faster when I soon discovered this was Amy, the young girl who was kidnapped a couple weeks ago. I remembered her disappearance story was on the news the day Raymond attacked me with the live wire and hospitalised me. She was nine years old at the time and now she would have been eleven.

My stomach soon took a sickening turn when Amy looked up at me and I realised she was heavily pregnant. Looking around nine months like she was soon about to drop.

Starring at this young girl I was lost for words, she stared at me back but didn't say a word. I began panicking about what had happened to Brian but at the same time was shock by what I saw.

I leapt of the bed, pulling my breast back into my top, running around the whole room pulling the bars of the boarded up windows looking for some kind of escape.

'There's no way out of here,' she said. 'Dad made sure nobody could get out.'

Looking at her. 'Your dad?'

Walking towards her, I kneeled down to her level, placing one hand on her knee. She jumped slightly back in fear.

'Yes Dad and all his friends made sure we can't get out.'

'What do you mean 'we'?' I asked calmly fidgeting around trying to sit comfortably on the hard carpet floor full of stains and cigarette ash.

'There's a lot of people here in this house, different ages, women, children and men.' She placed one hand on her belly. 'This house is huge, there's a room for different things.'

'Different things like what?' This time I was fully sitting down, ready to find out.

Amy took a deep breath and looked up at me. 'A room where they keep the ladies, a room for children and a room where they steal the people's body parts. It soon became clear Amy's dad was involved in her kidnapping and was part of a paedophile, sex trafficking and organ harvesting ring.

''How comes you're in here with me? Where are these other kids?'

'A lot of men came but none of them wanted to have sex with a pregnant girl so they put me in here with you.' Tears rolling down her face 'An old man came here when you was sleeping and started having sex with you.'

Well at least I was on the implant I told myself, not having to worry about getting pregnant but rather STIs.

'I saw you on the news, you were missing and your mommy was on TV crying for you to come back.' Pulling her up on her knees, gripping both her arms. 'Amy where is your mum? Was she in on this too?'

Amy just shook her head without saying a word.

'Okay, I quietly whispered, placing her back on her all fours then rubbing her back to try and ease the pain.

Still in shock I sat back on to the bed five minutes later after soothing Amy, I placed both hands on my legs without saying a word.

'Amy, how many people are here? How many women? How many children?'

Looking up at me, 'There were lots of children but some dead now, Daddy and is friends killed them when they weren't listening.'

Pulling myself back in horror, Amy had seen it all from children having organs removed to paying clients having sex with animals.

She sat on her all fours moving side to side having Braxton hicks I was guessing. 'It's really hurting me, it's been hurting all day today.'

Getting down to the floor I placed my arms around her, rubbing her back, it was obvious she was in labour. Placing her on her side she started rubbing her red knees sore from carpet burns we both turned our heads to the door at the sound of footsteps starting to get closer and closer. Before I knew it one of the guys who I recognised straight away as the fake police grabbed me by my hair and pulled me off Amy on to the bed. This time dressed in a dirty tracksuit and muddy trainers.

'Daddy stop it!' Amy screamed, still in pain on her all fours. One of the men that kidnapped me and Brian was Amy's dad, Andreas, who everybody called 'Bossman'. A tall man, six foot two, with jet black spikey hair that was drowning in hair gel that stank round the whole room. He had the look of devil in his eyes. A beard in need of some tender, love and care.

I had no idea what he wanted with me. He pinned my arms down on the bed kissing me around my neck, he struggled with me turning my head from side to side. Avoiding his horrible kisses along with his horrid smelling breath.

'What have you done with Brian?' I demanded; still pinned down. He continued to try to kiss me when I tried to struck him across the face 'Can't you see your daughter is in labour.'

'She's fine, she's had nine months to read the birth books I gave her,' he said in an uncaring tone ; head turned my way without moving his body.

This man was pure evil and if the devil could be heard, it would have the same voice as him.

He soon got up, rubbing his knuckles 'He been taken care of.'

Sitting up as far back to the wall as possible at this man who was standing looking down at me. 'If you have hurt him,' I said, he was looking me up and down.

'Then what?' he said now stood over me, smirking He had the look of Satan on his face, the look of the devil kneeling one leg on the bed getting closer to me.

'Where's the money?' he asked in a quiet aggressive tone, grabbing me by my tank top, pulling me forward. 'The money that Raymond took from the robbery' His spit was spraying over me and decorating the red bed sheets.

'What!' I couldn't help but let out a giggle at the suspense of his stupidity 'What money? I have no idea what you are talking about furthermore, Raymond is dead but how did you know where we lived in order to find us?'

A sudden chill swept through me, as if I had been hit by cold wind. My eyes bore into andreas as I sat there in shock. Quietly muttering gibberish, barely audible I had quickly realised that Raymond was apart of a sex exploitation gang. I gave a disbelieved shake of the head, while starting to feel light-headed and slightly disoriented - my mind began buzzing. Retriggered shock hit me as it registered in my mind that Raymond wasn't lying when he said he knew where Amy was, the night he badly attacked me.

Even from beyond the grave, he was still causing problems for me

Shaking my head confused, 'You didn't plan this very well did you...' at this point I started laughing. 'Like what did you think was going to happen? going You were going to collect Raymonds debt and then what?'

He started getting closer to me clinching his fist getting more pissed off with the face of a bulldog ready to attack. There was obviously a mistake in him thinking me and Brian had such a big win. The side lamp light next to me keeps flicking and I contemplated grabbing it and hitting him over the head with it.

Still naked below he grabbed me by the arm and out the room past a petrified Amy who held her hand out to me. Desperately trying to keep my feet glued to the floor to stop them from moving but he was to strong. my feet was sliding down the corridor.

Trying to pull my arm away as he led me outside like a naughty child being sent to their room. By this time we were wrestling outside the house, surrounded by a deserted field with weeds that came up to my knee. Further down the field was decorated with trees that looked like they were used to hang wicked people four hundred years ago. The whole place read scary and I desperately tried looking around praying for someone to be in sight.

Turning my head to the side as the gush of wind hit me as if someone had slapped me silly being pulled away by my arm with all his strength.

Looking back up into the sky that I couldn't see with the flowers of the trees blocking out this dark horrible day. Drifting away, drifting away wondering why? Why was I always the victim of rape? Why couldn't I stay happy? Looking down on the floor at my foot that was being sprinkled with my teardrops. Why was shit always happening to me? All these things were going through my head as he was dragging me at the back of this house

'You see if you don't cooperate with me,' he said, pulling my arm with one great pull 'I'm going to kill you and then your boyfriend.'

Immediately I gave up the battle. 'No please don't hurt him,' I started sobbing, 'please don't take our lives I'm begging you.'

By this time we were at the back of the house by a farm entrance with this Andrea dude, he suddenly covered my mouth with one hand and pulled me back by the corner of the entrance door when a guy appeared and walked out of the stable zipping his trousers up. No guesses to what he had been doing I thought too scared to even have him feel the breath from my mouth on his his sweaty hand around my mouth.

He pushed me inside the stable with the coast being clear, I fell to the floor covering my head fearing he would stamp me to death. But instead he picked me up and threw me onto a pile of hay and proceeded to bang my head up and down. Turning my head to one side I was shocked at what my eyes had just seen. A bunch of goats and horses bleeding from their lower bodies, weak on the ground with their hands bound.

'Get the fuck up!' he shouted in my ear, dragging me once again to another exit of the stable. The smell outside was horrendous as we got closer and closer to a massive pit in the ground. He pulled my head down and forced me to look into this pit. Gasping in shock, my eyes grew so big I was expecting them to pop out the sockets at any minute. My heart beating so fast it would become visible on my body. Looking down to what seemed like something out of a horror movie, a bunch of dead bodies in a pit about six foot deep. Men, women and children lay dead and decomposing. Bracing myself, certain I was going to add to the number of people, I prayed.

He began to hold my face even tighter. 'You see if you and your boyfriend don't comply, you'll be next.'

Frozen like a statue my blood ran cold like ice with different emotions coming into my body.

What was I gonna do? He was convinced we had what we didn't . Even from beyond the Grave Raymond was still getting to me.

Today; now light and I was still in this house worried sick about Brian still not knowing whether he was alive or dead.

Sat by the bed in the corner of the same room I woke up and found myself in with my knees to my chest I stayed up all night watching Amy who stayed on the floor rolling slowly side to side in unbearable pain. She was now in a different room and I was worried sick about her.

A thousand thoughts spinning around in my head faster than a washing machine on spin mode.

For the one millionth time I got up and went over to the window and started holding the metal bars, banging my head softly against it in frustration dreaming of escaping. Still traumatised from yesterday, I went and sat back down on the end of the bed. Surprised that they had actually left bottles of water and a few packs of prawn cocktail on the floor at the corner of the bed. Food was the last thing on my mind and would have preferred to die from hunger and dehydration.There were no means of escape with these men outside the door. The door suddenly opened, two white girls named Tara and Rihanna no older than fifteen but dressed like twenty-three-year olds in skimpy black dresses entered the room holding make-up bags. Tara looked of eastern European descent.

At the open door stood a guy who resembled a club door man in looked at me. Frozen from shock, I couldn't believe the cheek of him with his ugly grin. He walked into the room and threw a bottle of vodka underarm to one of the girls who caught the bottle and gave a thumbs up as he walked back out. Like a wet sponge I started to absorb the fact that I was probably going to be held prisoner forever. My eyes and mouth closed hearing the sound of the door lock once again. She then started to read through the back of the bottle like she was reading through an instruction manual. Tara and Rihanna didn't pay me no mind and began to do one another's make-up like they were getting ready for a party. A part of me died inside when they began to talk about new girls who were due to start working here in this house of horror.

Tara picked up a red lipstick from her make-up bag and faced Rihanna, winding up the lipstick, she started to pout and squint in pure concentration as she was applying the lipstick to Rihanna's lips who sat like a mannequin. Dressed in tight dresses like someone twice their age it seemed these girls had gotten used to a life as child prostitutes that had become completely normal to them. Staring right at them in disbelief, I refused to believe they had accepted this life style. Squeezing my foot with all my energy, I decided to stand up when my foot became plagued with pins and needles from the big toe down to the heel of my foot. Sat on the bed, my mouth slightly opened I wanted to ask the girls a question as they sat and giggled at each other's jokes but the words were stuck in my mouth and couldn't come out. Pushing myself up on the bed looking down at my legs when two pairs of eyes became on me, soon our eyes all met and I soon got the courage to make conversation. Looking into their eyes, smiling, feeling pity inside.

Holding my hands on top of the other on my lap. 'So how are you girls today then?' I asked, forcing out a smile.

'Fine thanks,' they replied with innocent smiles; they both turned to each other, 'jinks' they blurted out with giggles.

Determined to find out as much information as possible, I began to investigate 'You girls like it here then?'

'It's okay I suppose,' Tara answered, looking at her chipped nails in disgust.

Rihanna started humming and tapping her head from shoulder to shoulder not knowing what to say 'It gets really tiring, I like the modelling much more, they said all the guys around the world like my pictures.'

Moving up a bit of the bed, ready to hear all the sordid information, I began to get deeper into the conversation.

'So what kind of pictures do you take?' disguising my true horror with a concealment of a smile.

'Welllll, we just take all out clothes off and the man with the camera tells us how to put our bodies.'

'Then what do you do after?' I asked Rihanna unable to hold the lie on my face with a smile any longer whilst Tara stood up, imitating the poses in the mirror, moves resembling sex like she was well experienced .

'Well we always 'service' the camera man at the end as a thank you.'

Tara sat back down, 'The camera man yesterday was really nice to me, I really enjoyed the session yesterday until the camera man started to hurt me.

'Did he hit you?' I raised my voice in concern.

'No but he was just really big.'

I took a deep breath, trying to digest what I was hearing, sadness, disgust, anger, hate were all the emotions I was feeling at once. Tempted to digest the half bottle of vodka that was left on the floor.

'So how old are you guys?'

'Well I'm fourteen and Rihanna is fifteen.'

'Okay so you guys are older than I thought you were, so how did you two begin to start working here?'

'My mum and me work here but she works in the other room with the older girls and said I was going to be working at the same place as her and we was going to be rich.'

I turned to Rihanna for her answer.

'I met one of the bosses outside school but first we met on Facebook and then he showed up outside my school with flowers as a surprise and told me I was beautiful.' She was blushing and smiling like it was something guys rarely told her.

'So how did you feel?'

'Shy at first, I looked down at the floor and he lifted my chin up and told me he was going to take care of me.'

'So you live here right?'

'No I go back home at night time, Mum thinks I'm at my friend's house, I can't tell her where I am because the boss said the other boss would be super cross.' She was making gestures with her index finger. 'And then he said something bad would happen. I know he loves me though and I love him too, he just doesn't want me to go. He's found another girl on Facebook whose meant to becoming to work for him today and I just hope he don't fall in love with her too.'

Choking back tears, the realisation was that Tara's mum had sold her own daughter into prostitution and Rihanna had been the target of a grooming gang and there was another victim due to come anytime soon. Knowing full well they targeted her because she was shy. When she told me she looked down at the floor when he told her she was beautiful, I just knew they saw her as an easy target.

Tara took what appeared to be a spliff in her mouth and shoved one in Rihanna's mouth and lit it up and began to exhale the fumes. Rihanna crossed her legs on top of one another and continued smoking like a pro smoker. Blowing smoke out through her nostrils and the corner of her mouth. Flicking the ash in the floor and smudging it out with her foot.

'I don't know how we would cope without this,' she giggled a bit and gave a shrug.

'What is it?' But I already knew what it was.

'The white stuff with the weed makes us feel much better.'

Blowing out smoke, 'Much better, especially when you are doing things with four guys at once.'

No longer being able to digest what was being said and the fact that Raymond was at one point involved in all of this, I discontinued the conversation and laid on the bed on my back, resting one hand on my forehead in shock. Thoughts of my own childhood with the abuse, my kids, my sister, Brian, Raymond and Asia made my head want to explode. These girls were vulnerable, like me at one stage but that all stemmed from my mother.

Looking at the cracks in the ceiling that looked like it was going to start raining white chipped paint, I went into deep thoughts. I became enraged with anger from my own childhood when my own mother turned a blind eye from the sexual abuse I suffered at the very hands of her partner. My eyes welled up and my jawbones began to ache trying to stop myself bursting into tears. Asking myself all these questions. How could my own mother allow her boyfriend to rape me and my sister? Why didn't she protect me? What had I done as a child to make her turn such a blind eye to such abuse? At this point the tears were steaming down my face, little droplets dropping down on the bedsheets. I thought, even after the overdose, social services and the school barely asked questions and as far as they were concerned, I was just a child that didn't like being at home but they never asked why.

I began to imagine me with a lovely husband, a nice career as a writer like I always dreamed of and the kids playing in the farm if my mother had just bought the right kind of guy home and set an example to how a man was supposed to treat a woman by the man she kept. My father was also at fault, him and his mum knew what was happening to me and did nothing. Everybody brushed my problem under the carpet like it didn't exist.

Suddenly, Amy's screams started to echo through the door. Without a care in the world about what would happen to me, I jumped up off the bed, pushed open the door, brushed past the guy guarding the door and ran towards Amy. She was in the next room on the floor on her back being crowded by a group of groomers who looked worried and petrified that this little eleven-year-old girl was about to give birth.

The room had a depressed look with only a bed with dirty red sheets stained in what I gathered was semen. There was a small bin full of used condoms in nappy sacks and the curtains were dirty and looked like they hadn't been clean for a couple of months.

Kneeling down on my knees I began to stand my ground with these evil men.

'Everybody leave the room.' Looking at the back of me, I ushered all the children out of the door.

Looking into Amy's dad's eyes: 'Get me a towel now!' I demanded. In a panic he complied. He just stood over us looking bewildered but kind of relieved I was there.

Thinking back to my own previous births and how the midwives were, it was now time for me to be the midwife. Holding Amy's hand who was writhing in pain on the floor, I placed the towel under her and one at the side.

'Amy what does it feel like?'

'Like I want to push!'

Looking in between her legs, my eyes opened as wide as they possibly could at the sight of the baby's head coming through. I had always seen childbirth as the mother pushing but never the one telling the mother to push.

Shaking my head back into reality, I wasn't even sure how far dilated Amy was but as a mother you know that when you got to push, you got to push!

'Amy give a nice big push!' I demanded.

After scrunching up her face and giving one push, the head was out.

'Good girl now pant by blowing out two times.' I gave more instructions , after she blew out two times, more instructions followed. 'Now take another big push for me.'

I reached for the baby's head and caught hold of the entire body as he slid out.

Tears of joy in my eyes, 'It's a boy!' I cried. Holding the baby with one hand at the back of the head and the other hand on the baby's bottom.

Amy just lay there as a traumatised eleven-year-old in tears. I placed the baby on the towel at the side of her. It was now time for me to deliver the placenta.

'Okay, Amy one big push...' Two seconds later, the placenta was out .

The whole time Bossman was behind me and came beside Amy and attempted to pick up the baby.

'No!' I screamed and pushed him in the face.

He struck me across mine when suddenly a large number of police officers swarmed the entire building.

'Armed police, everybody get down!'

A load of police men saw to Amy and the baby while I lay on my stomach with my hands behind my head. I looked up to see Bossman laying down, handcuffed.

After one night, I had finally been set free and after years of being in this hell house, so were these women and children.

'Oh my God, my baby!' Shouting from the top of my lungs through the ward that smelt of strong disinfectant, running towards Brian's hospital bed. I had refused to give a police interview until I saw Brian accompanied by a police officer in the same place where I would once again have to be examined for my third reported rape and here he was laying battered and bruised.

Holding his face in my hands with pure sorrow in my heart, I fell into his arms like I was the one with all the physical injuries. The gang had beaten the life out of him and his physical appearance that I was looking at could only be described as a violation. Two big puffy eyes that looked like grapes with slits in them and broken ribs, the injuries inflicted on Brian by this evil gang was horrendous and for what? All because they thought he was a millionaire.

Brian held my hands in his hands and just lay silent, you could tell he wanted to say something but couldn't quite get the words out. He just gave me a sad smile and didn't say a thing. Holding him around the neck, I kissed his head and turned around to the police officer.

'Can you take me to see Amy now?' The police man who stood with his arms folded just nodded.

'Don't worry honey, you are safe now.' I hugged Amy and she hugged me back.

I went over to the baby's cot and picked him up. He was sleeping peacefully, dressed in a bright blue Babygrow. Holding the little baby boy in my arms who delivered I felt like a proud parent but only I wasn't one.

What was meant to be a precious moment was nothing more than a nightmare. Someone so precious and innocent was born out of such evil.

Looking up at Amy, 'You thought of any names yet?'

Wiping away her tears, 'No,' she answered. She lowered herself on the bed and cried silently.

I placed the baby back into the cot, sat on a chair in front of Amy and put my hand on her head.

Looking into her eyes, studying them, I said, 'You are safe now, Amy' pointing to the her guarding police officer with mine at the back of me. 'They are to going to protect you.'

She had a midwife by her side helping her get used to looking after a baby.

Amy's mum was flying into London from America where she was attending conferences to do with missing children and now suddenly got the news that hers had now been found and now had a baby. A social worker had come with the intent of taking the baby into temporary care but knew that Amy's mum was due to be back.

I could only dread how the next few months were going to be for her, interviews with social services, police, the press and all the rest.

It was time for me to be examined and I felt awful having to leave Amy and the baby but I needed to get back to Brian as soon as possible. Making my way out of the maternity ward, I started to imagine what the next year or so was going to be like, having to give so many interviews of my own. Only having been in the hell house for one night, could you just imagine what the kids and women were gonna have to endure?

Lying by Brian who was sound asleep, it was a struggle with both of us trying to fit on one hospital bed. The staff on the ward was kind enough to let me stay with him for the night because they knew. I didn't even care that I had just been examined; I just wanted to be with Brian. I tried to take my mind of things by writing. The staff gave me some pens and paper and with that, I just wrote and wrote which took my mind of things. It was a new story I had come up with about a troubled child who had suffered years of abuse who finally made it has a successful writer.

Looking at Brian as he slept, regardless of all the injuries inflicted upon his body, he looked so beautiful. Breathing deep and relaxed, all the muscles in his face and body were totally at peace. Clenching my fist, not knowing whether to give up hope of having a normal life all together. A lump then appeared in my throat, and a tear dropped down my cheek followed by a stream. Violently grabbing my hair while crying in silence. I took a deep breath, held it, and then let it out. I had been through so much already and deep down I knew life was what you made it and that I had already suffered a lot already, even though most of it was self inflicted. Tilting my head back and Looking up at the ceiling that's when I vowed to make a change for the sake of him and my kids, things were now going to get better.

Sat in a room on a couch with a female police detective sat opposite me with notes on her lap. There was a round wooden table in the middle with a full jug of water and a glass. It was only yesterday that I had been rescued and now it was time for my police interview in which I knew I was being recorded on video.

Sitting up straight with my hands on my lap, with that feeling that my heart was going to pop out. I could feel every single beat. It was if my heart was in a race and was winning by far. I don't know why I was nervous when I had done this plenty of times before.

Suddenly gazing at the floor, counting the spots on the carpet and at the same time having to give an account of what happened.

'I dunno,' I answered when asked how many times I was raped in the house. Having had no memory of it from being drugged I couldn't give an answer. We talked a lot about Tara and Rihanna and what they had told me. I found out that Amy's dad, who hadn't been part of her life, had kidnapped her from outside her school and bought her into his evil world of child sex trafficking. The gang was caught in a sting operation by the Facebook group 'paedophile hunters' when Bossman recruited several children but were indeed decoys . The decoys were so repulsed at the conversations with Bossman that when they informed the police, they had no option but to do a raid.

Flashbacks came to my mind with the conversation with Rihanna and how more young children had been recruited through Facebook. Putting two and two together, I soon realised that these children were actually decoys who had saved the lives of me, Brian and all the rest of the poor victims. Police normally hated these kinds of groups taking the law into their own hands but now the whole world could see the amount of good that these groups were doing.

Brian was still in hospital and gave his account from his police bed but would be due into the station as soon as he was better.

'Okay, Nicole, we will leave it there.'

The police detective turned off the tape and thanked me for all the info I provided for her. Letting out a small smile, after being told I would be called to come back and give further information.

Sipping a small glass of whisky that was well and truly needed in my temporary accommodation. Curled up on the brown leather sofa that was showing signs of wear and tear. Walking across the living room into the cupboard, I opened it and pulled out a blue navy sheet to wrap round my legs as I sat back down. The police and the council got me a place to stay for my own safety. It was a one studio flat in located in Chatham. You could tell the owner was a hippie by the way they had decorated the house. Pine wooden floors, different shades of green painted on the walls and a purple and red rug in the middle of the floor.

Smacking the yellow cushion I than placed my head on as I lay down, I picked up the remote and turned it onto the news. Positioning myself upright when the 'breaking news story' about the house of the horror was on. The news reporter hid out identities for our own safety.

Even though I had heard it from the police today in the interview, astonished was the word that sprang to mind when they mentioned twenty bodies had been found but very decomposed in the forest pit where Bossman threatened me. Flashbacks of the smell and sight of the bodies came back to me, it would be a while to get over that but I was determined for this not to ruin me.

Wiping away the tears, having to listen about the thirty women, men and children who were murdered for their organs. Shaking my head in disbelief, I couldn't believe this had happened in England. _A first word country_.

After a few seconds of being distracted by the amount of dust on top of the TV, I switched it off and tried to get some sleep even though this was difficult. Snuggled up on the sofa with the light on full beam. Brian was constantly on my mind that would still be in hospital for another week. He told me to go home.

Convincing myself that I was jinxed, I began slapping my forehead, telling myself I wasn't worth shit.

'I just want my babies!' I cried. Joshua, Elijah and Asia, even though I didn't completely know Asia but she was my baby.

The police promised to inform my solicitor who would inform the court of what happened, I emotionally could not deal with having to tell the solicitor of what happened, I just couldn't bear it.

Three months later and the trial was beginning, we were on our way to the crown court. Looking to my side at Brian, kissing his hand without even looking at him. We were giving video evidence with us being emotionally unable to face the perpetrators.

The taxi stopped outside the court house and was bombarded with paparazzi. Police were awaiting us and practically fought of the dozens of press who nearly blinded us by flashing their cameras at us. The police guarded us power walking one after another to inside the courthouse with our faces covered with sheets.

My barrister, Jane, and my independent sexual violence advisor, Louise met us inside the crown court and informed me that the defence barrister would not necessarily make out that I was lying but would challenge my evidence. Louise grabbed my hand from under the table while I grabbed Brian's who sat in silence as a way of making me feel at ease. Sighing and nodding my head away from Jane like I was trying to get away from the words coming out of her mouth

'The barrister's job is not to convince everyone that the defendant is innocent, regardless of them being guilty. The barristers have to ensure that the prosecutor has demonstrated in court a case that the defendant is guilty in a way that meets the standard of proof. At times they may challenge your evidence,' looking down at the table, she paused than looked back up 'they may, will in fact scrutinise your sexual history in the court room.'

After the trial, my Jane and Louise told me I should be proud of myself. Me always having an answer for everything, I was able to answer the defence barrister's questions no problem. The only thing I didn't like was knowing everybody could see me on that video link. Oh and the defence team trying to make out like I knew Bossman through Raymond and agreed to work with him being an ex prostitute and set up Brian to be beaten up when he supposedly found out. Unfortunately, there were no cameras showing me and Brian being forced into the vans.

But I had to remind them that this was like saying a woman can't be raped if she's already had sex. The defence team went quiet.

Four months later and the whole gang were sentenced to life imprisonment without parole. _Result_ I thought, sat in my car. Looking at Brian who pulled my head to his chest, listening to the call from Louise who gave us the good news outside the new house we shared.

Things were getting so much better, Brian had a new job as DIY man, the solicitor managed to get my court case postponed another couple of months, I started having the kids overnight again at my new place with Raj seeing how much the boys wanted their mum. I still had a long way to go in terms of proving myself, but the social workers were not on my side and instead of show sympathy to what I had been through; they totally wiped the floor with me. I could not believe how malicious they were, how much they lied and how evil the system was. It made me realise that social services were nothing but heartless individuals. The amount of money they spent doing reports and getting professionals to do reports was shocking. I knew there were a few good ones out there but unfortunately I was allocated these horrible ones. My heart sunk reading the lies in the reports stating that I refused to acknowledge what my absence had done to the kids. I clearly remembered telling the social workers that it was my bad choices that led to all of this, so how was this me having no knowledge of the decisions I had made? I complained to every person possible, but of course it was swept under the carpet. Everybody was friends which meant no action was ever taken.

Brian was at work and I was sat in the house round the dinner table with Louise having a cup of tea. We were still in contact with my solicitor and the kid's social worker deciding it was best if I was still getting that extra bit of emotional support. Back to square one, being jobless and feeling down like when my life started to go downhill.

Louise was blowing into her cup to cool down her tea, it seemed nobody liked their tea boiling hot like me.

In a daze I positioned myself upright on the dinner table chair tapping my fingers on the table watching the steam from her cup coming my way. Already agitated from lack of sleep that was apparent to Louise who mentioned the bags underneath my eyes as she picked up her cup of tea and sipped it slightly, taking caution while it was still hot.

'You sure you don't want a cup of coffee, Nicole? You look like you could do with one to be honest,' she asked after being concerned about my lack of sleep. 'I can get up and make it for you' she said, giving a little wink.

'Go on then.'

Fifteen minutes past and Louise was still in my kitchen quiet like a mouse, it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

Walking into my kitchen, and there she was, standing over the kitchen desktop, scrolling up with the mouse on my laptop, she was going through the book I had finished writing.

I rushed over to her and slammed the laptop down, she jumped back in shock.

'What do you think you are doing, that's private.'

Looking embarrassed she said, 'Sorry it was just there in front of me so I just read it.' She took a deep breath. 'It's bloody brilliant, Nicole, what I read.'

Scowling at her and grabbing the laptop. 'Well you have no right to act like as opportunist and just go through my stuff like...' I walked towards the fridge and putting the laptop on top of it.

'Have you ever thought of pursuing a future as a writer, Nicole?'

Spinning round, I walked over to the kitchen door and held the door opened 'Time for you to leave I think,' I said, ushering her out of the door.

She went to the living room to collect her handbag and left. I didn't follow her, I just stood where I was and waited to hear the door shut.

That same evening me and Brian was sitting down on the sofa at opposite ends. I faced towards him, with my legs on his lap. Smiling at him but wanting to cry. He looked at me like he knew something was up.

Rubbing my foot together. 'You Okay? What's up?'

'Nothing honey, tiredness just getting the better of me.' I was trying so hard to keep the smile on my face, not being bothered to tell him what was on my mind. Brian knew me well enough to know that I wouldn't talk about something if I really didn't want to.

Turning my head to the ITV news that was on TV, Thinking to back to what Louise had said, _could somebody like me really become a writer?_

Telling myself over and over again that I was kidding myself. Who on earth would give damaged goods like me a chance? My attention suddenly drew to the barbeque sauce I had got on the sofa earlier.

Jumping of the sofa, itching the back of my thigh, walking into the kitchen and grabbing the table cloth. I headed back to the living room, stood over Brian, rubbing the stain of the sofa with all my strength, watching it disappear like my faith in myself. Trying to pull on a normal face when really all I could think about was what Louise had said. _You're full of bad luck, nobody would ever give you a chance_ I thought as I headed back to the kitchen, leaning against the kitchen sink.

Walking out Sarah Thompson's jewellery shop on to the high road in central London, feeling like I was doing the walk of shame looking like a homeless person, my T-shirt collar not tucked in properly, my interview skirt not even ironed. I knew was never going to step foot in there again because I wasn't going to get the job. My eyes welling up watching all the city people in their suits walking home from work through the chattering crowds and me there, trying to get an ordinary job as a customer assistant. Even the homeless people banging sticks against metal making a beautiful rhythm of noise got me thinking _even the homeless people are working._ All I wanted was a job to properly provide for my kids to win my court case and to get Asia back who was thriving but months after the trial, I was still jobless.

Now stood outside a cake shop, looking at the folding sign and contemplating getting a '2 for 1' deal on a Victoria sponge cake. I flinched at the sudden vibration on my phone in my coat pocket, I rumbled through the millions of receipts in my coat pocket to answer my phone. A withheld number came up. 'Hello,' I answered in an intrigued voice.

'Hi is this Ms Palmer?'

'Yes speaking.'

'My name is Jane Thompson and I'm calling from Parke Publishers and we were really impressed with your manuscript and wanted you to come in to my office to sign a book deal with an advance payment.

My mouth dropped to the floor with shock, I could hear people huffing and puffing with me stood in the middle of the pavement making traffic.

'Yeah okay, when?'

'It's short notice but can you do tomorrow?'

Writing the address I did wonder how she got hold of my manuscript and automatically assumed Brian. I didn't ask to avoid it sounding dodgy so asked no further questions with excitement boiling up inside me, ready to erupt like a volcano. Finally, after a long hard battle, my time had come. A combination o adrenaline and a feeling of thrilling happiness tinged throughout my body. Finding the nearest bench, I sat down. I couldn't quite comprehend what was happening. All the pain, let-down and disappointment had gone in a three minute conversation. Well, the problem with the boys was still ongoing but I knew with hard work I would get them back. From this day forward it was going to be nothing but hard work.

Walking through the automatic glass door all suited and booted with my stilettos on. Extra padding on to prevent my foot from getting any more sore than they were. I took extra care walking on the floor that resembled orange marble and looked slippery. Listening to the heel of my shoe hit the floor, I became overwhelmed with nerves and excitement, feeling like I blended in with the smartly dressed people walking around the building.

At the reception desk, I was greeted by a young brunette lady behind a desk, she took my name down and called Jane down on her extension number to come and get me. She pointed me out a seat opposite the lift where I sat up nervously, fingers locked together and my feet practically stuck together.

Middle aged women appeared out of the lift, and started walking towards me. I wondered if she was an ex model, the way her arms slightly swung back and forth; one foot in front of the other, walking with long strides and strutting forward with confidence in her walk. A pout that was obviously a part of her personality.

'Hello, Nicole.' She gave me a wave.

Confused, I wondered how she was certain she was expecting me.

'Your Facebook, I recognised you,' she smiled and gestured me to the lift.

Standing up I held my hand out, 'Hi thank you for calling me in today' looking fixedly at her cream blouse, I admired her dress sense.

After coming out of the lift we entered a room, and to my shock, Louise was sitting at a table opposite who I guessed was her co-worker who turned his head and greeted me with a smile.

'Louise,' I said in a quiet voice, astonished, I pulled out a chair from the table and sat down next to Kevin. ' What are you doing here?

Before she had a chance to answer, Jane who sat beside Louise interrupted. 'She was the one who sent us your manuscript.' She sat down after answering.

Nodding her head, 'After what I saw, Nicole, I couldn't let a talent go to waste. Brain accepted my request and sent your manuscript to me but I told him to just pretend it was him who sent it in so you could come in and see me as part of surprise and voila...' slightly fling her hands in the air.

Kevin stood up from his seat. 'Hi Nicole, my name is Kevin.'

Still shocked I shook his hand with my eyes still fixed on Louise.

'This is not really something I tell my clients, Nicole, but I am an ex-employee here but after suffering a traumatic assault,' she paused and looked down before looking back up 'I decided that I wanted to go into the field of helping other victims like yourself.'

Jane looked over at me 'We are all aware of what has happened but regardless, you have a talent.' She rumbled through some papers, licking her index fingers before quickly flicking through them at a speed that seemed about 10 pages per seconds and pulling out a contract. 'We've done up a contract and I would like you to read through it and let me know if you are happy. You can ask me anything you are unsure of anything' her eyes focused on Kevin in a fixed expression. Passing a three page contract across the table to me, I began to read through.

Looking up with my eyes wide open from shock, I looked at Kevin and switched between looking at Jane and Louise.

Holding my handover my mouth, I stared profoundly at the contract. 'Five grand', Looking back up at the two who you could tell felt rejoice in their heart

'Yes Nicole,' Louise answered, shaking her head in happiness before being interrupted by Jane.

'We will pay for the edit, advertisement and so on and hopefully your book will be out in the next four months.'

Grabbing the pen on the table before I could even blink, I signed my first book deal with Parke.

It took three months to prepare for the editing and publication of my book. What a successful few months it had been for me. I became overwhelmed from anxiety. Nervous as to how my life was going to change for the better or for the worst for the sake of me and my children. Especially when today was the final court hearing. Today I was going to hear my fate – my childrens fate.

Half the day had almost gone, which consisted of my solicitor Caroline presenting my case as best as she could. Raj and Juliet's Solicitor; a middle age Asian man who made it sound like I was a monster and Juliet was a saint. I still had some glimmer of hope left in me that things good possibly go in my favour.

Putting reports to one side, she then looked at me through her glasses 'Not good I am afraid' Pulling her seat closer towards the table, she suddenly rested the palms of her hands on the table 'And may I just say that a successful book isn't going to make me reward you full custody – although, I am glad you sorted yourself out so well done for that.

I turned my heard to an amused Juliet and Raj who sat with their high chest. You could tell they had all the confidence in the world.

I stood up from my seat before being interrupted by Caroline who placed her hand on my arm in an attempt to sit me down.

Thankfully the judge raised her hand up at Caroline to let me speak.

'Your Honour, I'm not going to stand here and tell you why I deserve to keep those kids or that I gave birth to them means I should keep them. I am the reason we are sitting in this court room today – me and my bad choices.' Looking down on the table as my tears dropped one by one from my eyes. Looking back up, 'I know what you think when you look at me your Honour so let's not beat around the bush here.'

Judge Gordon sat resting her hands that were locked into each other on the table, staring at me with her stone cold eyes. You could tell she had heard this kind of speech too many times before by the way she looked at me in an unsympathetic way.

'I am not a bad person', raising my index finger towards hear 'I am just a person who had a tough upbringing and didn't know how to be a parent. My father was a heroin addict and my Mother allowed her boyfriend to abuse me. The two people I was meant to trust and were meant to teach me well let me down , meaning I had no proper role models, nobody to teach me how to be a proper parent. Everybody deals with this kind of thing differently and really and truly, I should of used my bad childhood to have enabled me to have been a parent – the parent I wish I had, instead, I let my boys down. The one person who they were meant to rely on the most felt the full consequences of my actions'.

Using both hands, I started to grip my head in full force, as I slowing started to collapse to the floor. The past several years had started to hit me; all what I had done with letting down Brian and the boys. Everybody looked on in horror when I started to beat the floor in anger, 'Fuck this, what have I done, Its all my fault'.

leaping out of her seat, ' Just give us a second' she said to a shocked judge who sat there speechless.

The room started to buzz with whispers as Caroline kneeled down patting my back in an attempt to calm me down 'Come on Nicole, this is not helping you at all, think about the Boys.' It was like words went in one ear and out the other. I became deaf to her soothing words and instead layed there sucking up the pain from every thud smashed into the floor with my fist tight hand that was going bright red. Brian just sat there like he was in a staring competition with Raj.

I don't know what disappointed me the most the fact that social services had lied through their teeth in the reports or having false hope in thinking that my success was going to get the kids back. The judge pointed out earlier that the kids were settled and this would be a determining factor.

Coming to my senses, I slowly got up. I stared at Judge Gordon who sent everybody on a break so she could make a decision.

Brian blinked angrily at Raj and Juliet who walked passed us in the corridor. Raj had a lethal stare in his eyes that was deadly. Juliet's eyes were like stab in the back; what she had done to me already. Seeing me broken gave her a thrill. I could barely look at her because I knew she had already defeated me emotionally.

Well, at least I was guaranteed regular sleepovers, which had been discussed in case the

worst came to the worst.

I slumped into a chair while Brian and Caroline stood over me talking to one another.

Brian wanted to know if my sudden outburst would contribute to a decision that was to be

made. I sat there thinking and shaking my head at the fact that Raj and Juliet had

convinced social services that the kids were better of with them, even though I had changed my life already.

Half an hour went by and we were called in to hear in to hear the Judge's decision.

Sitting in my seat, I lowered my head to the table; to ashamed to look at Raj and Juliets

face when the judge decided to grant the order.

Judge Gordon breathed in and out, her chesting raising before falling. 'Having gone through the report, it is clear that the mother has faced some terrible difficulties in her life. These boys were left in the care of their Dad and step-mother and have been doing very well in their home life, school life and have now settled. However, I do believe the mom had done all she could in these last few months and is determined in changing her life around for her children, which has been doing and for this reason I am rewarding her full custody with weekly visits being awarded to the Father and the step-mother.

I wanted to run, jump up and down, shout and tell everyone my good news, but held it in. Adrenalin wired through my body like a plug switch on by the main supply.

Brian wrapped his arms around me, kissing me on the forehead saying 'You did it babe.'

I shredded a tear as I grabbed Caroline's hand and looked at her and whispered the words.

'Thank you.'

She winked and smiled back at me with her happy eyes. I was excited for her too – this

also meant another winning case on her records.

Looking over at a disappointment Raj and Juliet, whos smirks were gone with the wind.

I looked at them feeling absolutely nothing towards them. Not anger, hate or disappointment;

All of my hatred had gone out the window. They both shot past me as fast as Lightening.

Brian and I made our way out the building after collecting our valuables that were stored with security. I took my phone out and started searching for return Flights to Jamaica to pick up Asia as soon as possible. Social services had no reason to touch her now I had won my case. This was the perfect opportunity to get her and I could not wait longer than I had been waiting already. Pressing the confirm payment button, I had booked my flight for that same evening.

I suddenly grabbed Brian's arm to stop him walking any further. Turning my head to Brian, I gave him a faint smile, 'I did it.'

Raising one of his eyebrows, 'Did what,' scratching the irritating piece of fluff away from his nose. 'What did you do?'

'I booked my flight to go and get Asia, she already has her British passport, I applied for it a few months back.'

Placing his arm across my shoulder, kissing my forehead and looking me in the eye. 'Just do what you need to do.'

Brian drove me to the airport for my flight that was in six hours time. Throughout the whole journey I was nervous as hell to seeing Asia, and still tried pinching myself out of what I thought could only be a dream. I hadn't held my baby in my arms since she left me at Fort Augusta prison. Would she cry with me? I kept asking myself. Mary and Cindy had practically been her Mom throughout his time, I was just the stranger who gave birth to her...well her biological Mother.

I had already called Cindy who was to meet me at Kingston airport with Asia. She was sad she was leaving, but she knew there was a time where it would come to an end. My flight back to England with Asia was exactly three hours after I would land, meaning I had enough time to go through security checks in order to catch my flight back.

Brian was to wait at home for the Kids to return the next day that had already been

arranged by the Social workers. I wish I could have been there when they returned home. I

also wish I was a fly on the wall in Raj's and Juliet's house when the boys left permanently.

Reaching up by the airport, I got out the car and kissed Brian goodbye. I went through all the security checks and finally boarded the plane.

The ten-hour Journey was exciting but a long one. I was pumped with excitement and kept checking my watch every five minutes . The main thing I thought about was Asia's reaction when she saw me. I knew I was going to Run and grab her into my arms and hold her tight – telling her how much I loved her.

Before I knew it, I drifted of to sleep. Sleep that could only be described as wonderful and refreshing. That was the most peaceful sleep I had in a long time, since I had so much issues going on that it was affecting my sleep. Reaching up by the airport, I got out the car and kissed Brian goodbye. I went through all the security checks and finally boarded the plane.

The ten-hour Journey was exciting but a longone. I was pumped with excitement and kept checking my watch every five minute . The main thing I thought about was Asia's reaction when she saw me. I knew I was going to Run and grab her into my arms and hold her tight – telling her how much I loved her.

Before I knew it, I drifted of to sleep. Sleep that could only be described as wonderful and refreshing. That was the most peaceful sleep I had in a long time, since I had so much issues going on that it was affecting my sleep.

Waking up as the plane hit the ground, I suddenly felt more overjoyed than I did ten hours ago. Every emotion in my body was considered good.

I grabbed my handbag from under my seat, the only thing I took with me before making my way of the plane. Speeding to try and get to immigration quicker than everybody else, there were no words to express how I was feeling getting closer and closer to Asia.

I got through immigration swiftly and promptly and here I was standing in front of my beautiful baby who smiled as soon as I ran and grabbed her out of Cindy's arms and into mine. It was just after 1am and dark outside but Asia has a smile and eyes that lit up the entire airport. 'My baby,' I yelled out, holding one arm around her waist and the other hand across the back of her head. She was dressed a pink Mickey mouse dress with a matching set of tights and bag. Holding her and slightly swinging from side to side, I kissed her; promising to never let her down again.

Holding her across the side of my hip, I hugged Cindy and Marys hand and thanked them – also promising to keep in regular contact for Asia. Cindy and Mary were sad to see Asia go but she would be happy and settled into where she was meant to be...with her proper family.

On the plane back to England I held Asia so tightly in my lap. I didn't sleep, I just observed her beauty for the entire journey. In a deep sleep she layed so relaxed without a single movement. Her entire body was at peace and nothing but pure innocence showed on her face. I just sat there stroking her face telling myself I was never going to let her or the boys down again. I was going to do everything in my power to be a successful author to give them the entire world and make up for the crap I put them though. Never again was I going to allow that to happen. I had already hurt too much people and I owed it to them to keep my act together.

Today was the day of my book signing and the place was crammed but had a buzzing

feeling old. Middle aged and young teenagers bumping elbows were coming in to visit me..

Six months after it had been released and had already sold fifty thousand copies worldwide. Word got around that an escort had helped testify which bought a child killing grooming gang to justice.

Sitting in my chair in Gales Bookstore, I felt like a celebrity with the number of autographs I had signed. The queue to get a signed book from me didn't stop all afternoon, when people were coming all over just to see me _All these people coming to see me?_ 'You have really inspired me to do well in my life and I can't ever thank you', she whispered in my ear shaking my hand.

A young girl here in front of me who was telling me she was once me and had been inspired by me. _Wow._

Sat in the chair, I took her by the hand and smiled. 'Thank you and good luck.' I signed her a copy of my book and handed it over to her.

Looking through the gap in the queue of people in front of me

'Calm down you lot', with my index finger on my mouth. Joshua and Elijah were running riot around the book store. _These kids had been up since 6am and wasn't tired?_

It had been a couple of months since I had won my court case and got the kids back permanently to the despair of Raj and Juliet. Two people were to thank for that, Louise and Jane who had turned my life around.

Brian agreed to stay at home with Asia in order to bond with her to enable a 'Father and a daughter' relationship. Social services still played an active role with a supervision order for the three but it was better than the kids not being with me at all.

But having only gotten one-year- old Asia back recently, I was still getting to know her myself. She was one but still knew who I was; somebody special to her having all them video conversations and my family in Jamaica constantly showing her pictures of me and the boys. It melted my heart when she ran up to me in the airport and wrapped her hand around me.

Asia had a smile that lit up the whole room and melted my heart, my precious girl.

Tears in my eyes, I couldn't thank Cindy enough on the phone for everything she had done for Asia.

Sitting back and yawning with my mouth closed, trying to hide my tiredness when Jane walked in.

Doing her model walk, she patted Joshua on the head on the way to me.

Stood opposite me, hands on her hips: 'Rumour tells me your signing went well Ms celebrity.'

'It did indeed!' the male sales assistant answered from behind her counter, counting her petty cash.

Suddenly a man appeared into the book store, Jane turned to him and smiled as he walked towards her.

He wasn't a bodybuilder but he could have been with those big muscles that almost burst through the T-shirt that he was wearing. Slightly slanted eyes that made you question if he had Chinese heritage in him. Blond hair with a slight skin fade at the side. You could tell he took ages brushing his Mohawk that was brush to perfection. Vain is how I would somehow describe him. I admired his strong jaw bone that gave of a lovely smile that made him even nicer looking.

Holding his hand out. 'Hi Nicole, I'm David.'

'Hi', pulling out my hand to meet with his for a hand shake.

Jane walked around the bookstore as if she had never seen a book in her life, picking up books and reading the back of them. She should have known every book in the store.

'I'm an award winning film director and I'm interested in making a film based on your novel, can we talk?'

I jumped in my seat as I felt a bunch of hands tapping my shoulder. The whole stadium echoed with cheers when the music came on, everybody started to put their arms around me, telling me well done. Throughout the whole Oscar ceremony, I had been sitting here daydreaming about my entire life. And now I couldn't believe that I had won an Oscar for best movie of the year two and a half years after releasing the book. I jumped out of my seat, slightly lifting my red dress up , _please don't let me fall_ I prayed as I slightly lifted up my red dress as I made my way to the platform. Tears rolling down my eyes that flowed faster than my heartbeat pace, walking up the steps. These tears did not apply to sadness but tears of happiness.

Touching both of them at the back of the shoulder and kissing them one by one as I accepted my award.

Walking up to the platform, I took a deep breath, 'Wow,' I said into the microphone in shock. One hand on my heart, deep breaths as I was about to give the speech of my life. The stadium was jam packed with singers, actors and actresses, plus other known people in the public eye.

'I don't know what to say...' holding my award at head level, 'first of all I would like to thank God for all what he has done, and also my lovely husband, Brian, and my three wonderful kids, you inspire me every day to be a better person.'

I found all four of their eyes in the crowd who were looking back at me in proud happiness. The boys were ten and eight, Asia was five. Thinking about how much they have grown in the last five years as they sat in their designer suit and ties. Trying to multitask by giving the rest of my speech and studying my family amongst the many thousands of people in the audience.

'I came from such a bad beginning and went through many tribulations but overcame them all, going through abuse, drug problems, prostitution, prison, the list goes on but I was determined to become a better person. Who would have thought that this is happening because my support worker just happened to have seen a book that I thought would get nowhere on my computer.'

Brian, Jane and Louise stood up and started clapping with the crowd. 'To all you people out there who have had such a crap time...' placing down my award and looking at my wrist tattoo, a verse from the bible that read

' _no weapon formed against me shall prosper Isaiah 54:17'_

I turned attention to my three smiling children, 'don't ever think it is the end for you , there is always a silver lining in every crowd, all my life people told me I was nothing and now I'm here in Hollywood winning an award! Thank you to the amazing cast that did such a good job and to all the film crew members, this one is for you.'

More applause came to follow, the whole crowd stood up, some were crying, others were smiling with joy.

Rubbing my pregnant belly, walking of the platform to a round of applause as an award winning writer and director, I came from nothing to something. From rags to riches

