IT IS NOW MY HONOR TO WELCOME
BACK TO THE "LATE SHOW," "THE
FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES,
IT IS MY HONOR TO WELCOME BACK
MICHELLE OBAMA.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
>> YEAH!
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU
AGAIN.
>> YOU, TOO.
YOU GUYS ARE SO SWEET!
THANK YOU, GUYS.
>> Stephen: WELL, I HAVE KNOWN
A FEW PEOPLE.
I HAVE KNOWN A FEW PEOPLE IN
WASHINGTON, D.C., AND NOT ALL OF
THEM GET THAT KIND OF RECEPTION
WHEN THEY GO SOMEPLACE.
SO YOU'RE ALMOST DONE WITH THE
EIGHT YEARS IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> YES.
ALMOST-- WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF
THERE!
>> Stephen: HOW DOES THAT
FEEL?
IS IT AT ALL BITTERSWEET?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: OR YOU'RE LIKE,
"WHERE'S THE EXIT?"
>> IT'S DEFINITELY BITTERSWEET.
I MEAN, EVERYTHING IS, LIKE, THE
LAST, YOU KNOW.
AND I FIND MYSELF CHOKING UP
BECAUSE WE HAVE RAISED OUR KIDS
IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
WE'VE HAD SO MANY AMAZING
EXPERIENCES.
WE HAVE A PHENOMENAL STAFF.
WE LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH PEOPLE
WHO LOVE US AND CARE ABOUT US.
AND, YOU KNOW, WE'RE GOING TO BE
WALKING AWAY FROM ALL THAT AND
IT'S JUST BEEN AN HONOR.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU HAD TO
SAY TO THE KIDS, "BE PREPARED.
THE NEXT HOUSE IS NOT GOING TO
BE LIKE THIS."
>> I ACTUALLY MADE MY KIDS START
PACKING THEIR ROOMS ALREADY.
IT'S LIKE, GET THIS DONE.
WELL, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T UPON TO
KEEP IT TO THE LAST MINUTE.
>> MY THING SIF YOU DON'T PACK
IT, I'M THROWING IT OUT.
THAT'S WHAT I DO.
>> Stephen: THEN IT ENDS UP ON
E-BAY.
>> IT'S ON E-BAY, I SELL IT.
YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: WELL, THE MOST
IMPORTANT QUESTION I HAVE TO ASK
YOU IS WHAT IS BEYONCE REALLY
LIKE?
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
SHE'S-- SHE'S SO TALENTED THAT I
HAVE TROUBLE LOOKING AT HER
WITHOUT MY RETINAS BURNING OUT.
YOU GUYS ACTUALLY HANG OUT LIKE
FRIENDS, RIGHT?
>> YOU SHOULDN'T LOOK HER IN THE
EYE.
SHE'S A SPECIAL PERSON.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE TO
BE BEYONCE'S BEYONCE?
SHE LOOKS UP TO YOU.
>> SHE'S A SWEETHEART.
SHE'S SMART.
SHE'S CREATIVE.
SHE'S A GREAT MOTHER.
SHE LOVES HER FAMILY.
SHE'SA-- YOU KNOW, SHE'S JUST A
LOW-KEY LADY.
SO WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON IN
THAT WAY.
EXCEPT I CAN'T SING.
I CAN'T DANCE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YOU CAN DANCE.
I'VE SEEN YOU DANCE.
>> NOT LIKE BEYONCE.
>> Stephen: WELL, I WANT TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS "ESSENCE"
MAGAZINE.
THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL--
( APPLAUSE )
TALKING ABOUT YOUR EIGHT YEARS
IN THERE.
BUT I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT
THIS PICTURE, WHICH WHEN IT WAS
RELEASED, BURNED THE INTERNET TO
GROUND, RIGHT THERE.
( APPLAUSE )
WHAT--
>> THAT'S ME AND MY BOO.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, WE LIKED
YOU ALREADY.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO RELEASE THIS
PHOTOGRAPH.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SAYING TO EACH
OTHER THERE?
HOW DID THIS MOMENT COME ABOUT?
>> YOU KNOW, BARACK IS HORRIBLE
IN PHOTO SHOOTS, AND I HATE
DOING PHOTO SHOOTS WITH HIM, SO
I'M SURE RIGHT THERE I WAS
SAYING, "WOULD YOU JUST BE
PATIENT AND STOP.
DON'T RUSH THE PHOTOGRAPHER."
HE'S LIKE, "I THINK WE GOT THE
SHOT.
I CAN GO, CAN I GO?"
"NO, YOU CAN'T GO."
THAT WAS EXACTLY-- BARACK HAS
TWO SMILES FOR A PHOTO.
IT'S LIKE THIS SMILE OR THIS
SMILE.
( LAUGHTER )
AND HE JUST SORT OF LIKE, "I
THINK WE'RE DONE.
WE HAVE IT."
AND IT'S LIKE, "NO, WE DIDN'T.
THESE PHOTOGRAPHERS THEY HAVE
BEEN SETTING UP FOR HOURS."
HE COMESES IN AND SAYS, "I THINK
I CAN GIVE YOU FIVE MINUTES."
I WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE HIM TO
CHILL OUT AND RELAX, SO THEY
CAUGHT THAT DISCUSSION.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT'S
HAPPENING RIGHT THERE?
>> CHILL OUT.
CHILL OUT.
>> Stephen: "PLEASE, PLEASE,
JUST ONE MORE PHOTOGRAPH."
>> AND HE'S LIKE, "REALLY?"
>> Stephen: WHO IS IT HARD
TORE GET TO STAND FOR A
PHOTOGRAPH, YOUR HUSBAND OR YOUR
CHILDREN?
>> OH, MY HUSBAND, WITHOUT A
DOUBT.
WELL-- YEAH, HIM.
HE'S TOUGH.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY
HIM OR BO AND SONNY.
>> Stephen: WELL?
>> HIM.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: NOW, THAT SMILE,
THAT WAS A PRETTY GOOD
IMPRESSION OF YOUR HUSBAND.
DO YOU DO AN IMPRESSION OF YOUR
HUSBAND?
>> WE ALL THREE OF US HAVE GOOD
IMPRESSIONS OF BARACK.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU MIND
SHARING A LITTLE BIT?
>> IT'S USUALLYT DINNER TABLE
BECAUSE YOU KNOW-- MALIA WILL
START IT BECAUSE SHE USUALLY
ASKS SERIOUS QUESTION.
"DAD, TELL US ABOUT YOUR KAY.
AND WHAT ABOUT THAT CONVERSATION
ON GLOBAL WARMING?"
AND SASHA AND I ARE LIKE, "NO,
DON'T GET HIM STARTED."
AND HE'S LIKE, "WELL, I'M GLAD--
I'M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT.
LET ME JUST-- LET ME JUST ANSWER
THAT IN THREE POINTS.
ONE--" AND THEN ONE-"A," AND
ONE-"A" AND "B."
AND SASHA AND ARE LIKE OH!
>> Stephen: YOU'RE LIKE,
PROFESSOR, CAN I AUDIT THIS
LECTURE?
>> BECAUSE SASHA AND I WANT TO
TALK ABOUT OUR FAVORITE SONG ON
THE "LEMONADE" ALBUM.
HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO THERE IS
THERE I HEARD YOU SAY ABOUT THE
PRESIDENT THAT HE LEAVES THE JOB
AT THE DOOR WHEN HE COMES INTO
THE RESIDENTIAL PART OF THE
WHITE HOUSE.
>> HE DOES.
>> Stephen: IS THAT REALLY
TRUE?
I CAN'T LEAVE MY JOB AT THE
DOOR.
HOW DOES HE LEAVE THAT AT THE
DOOR?
>> YOU KNOW, AT LEAST OUR TIME
TOGETHER.
WHEN HE FIRST WALKS IN, WE HAVE
DINNER.
IT'S USUALLY DINNER TIME.
SO THAT'S THE TIME WHEN UNLESS
MALIA ASKS HIM ABOUT HIS WORK,
WHICH WE TRY NOT TO HAVE HER DO,
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE KIDS, YOU
KNOW.
"HOW WERE YOUR DAYS?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHAT'S THE LATEST GOSSIP?"
HE'S REALLY INTO GOSSIP, SO YOU
CAN GET HIM-- BECAUSE HE DOESN'T
HAVE A LIFE.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: NO, BUT HE'S GOT
THE N.S.A., AND HE CAN FIND OUT
WHAT ANY OF US ARE THINKING.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
SO BEING THE FIRST LADY, BEING
THE FIRST LADY, OBVIOUSLY, IS A
LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY.
IT'S A GREAT HONOR AT THE SAME
TIME.
DO YOU HAVE ANY FIRST LADY--
WHEN YOU LOOK BACK ON THE LAST
EIGHT YEARS-- DO YOU HAVE ANY
FIRST LADY FAUX PASS, LIKE "I
CAN'T BELIEVE THAT MOMENT?"
>> SO MANY OF THEM.
THEY USUALLY INVOLVE PRONOUNCING
SOMEBODY'S NAME WRONG.
I'M SO HORRIBLE.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU GO ALL
AROUND THE WORLD.
>> OH, GOD, NAMES ARE SO HARD.
AND I PRACTICE AND I TRY TO
GET-- AND THEN I GET UP THERE
AND I MESS IT UP.
EVEN NAMES HERE IN THE UNITED
STATES.
I MEAN, KIDS THESE DAYS, THEIR
NAMES.
I MEAN-- I CAN TELL YOU, I THINK
I'VE GOT IT RIGHT.
I'M LOOKING AT THE NAME CARD,
AND IT'S LIKE, NO, IT'S NOT
TERRY, IT'S TER-REE.
I'M USUALLY JUST LIKE, "HEY,
SWEETIE, HOW ARE YOU DOING?"
I HAVE GIVEN UP ON THAT.
>> Stephen: IT'S COLBERT, YOU
DON'T PRONOUNCE THE "T."
>> AND IT'S NOT STEVE.
IT'S STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY
RIGHT.
THANK YOU FOR REMEMBERING.
>> I REMEMBER THAT, I REMEMBER.
>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY NICE
OF YOU.
>> BECAUSE YOU'RE PRETTY TOUCHY
ABOUT THAT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WAS THERE-- CAN
YOU HAVE AN "OH, MY GOD MOMENT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS
HAPPENING.
THIS FUN THING I GOT TO DO."
>> SO MANY.
SLEEPOVER AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> YEAH, WHAT?
>> Stephen: DID YOU AND THE
QUEEN PAINT EACH OTHER'S
TOENAILS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
>> NO, THEY HOSTED US FOR THE
STATE DINNER.
WHEN YOU'RE THE GUEST COUNTRY
YOU STAY AT THE PALACE.
I REMEMBER ORDERING FRENCH FRIES
AT THE PALACE.
THEY WERE GOOD.
>> Stephen: DO YOU GUYS HAVE
FRENCH FRIES AT THE WHITE HOUSE?
>> YES, YOU HAVEEG AT THE WHITE
HOUSE.
DO YOU THINK --
>> MISS ORGANIC VEGETABLES.
>> HEY, HEY, NOT EVERY DAY.
BUT YOU KNOW.
I LOVE FRENCH FRIES.
I AM A BIG FRENCH FRY FANATIC.
THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO EAT
VEGETABLES BECAUSE --
>> JUST TO BALANCE IT OUT.
>> TO BALANCE IT OUT, FOR SURE.
IT WOULD GET UGLY.
>> Stephen: YOU SAID TO
OPRAH-- MY GOOD FRIEND OPRAH.
PLEASE SAY HI.
>> I WILL.
>> Stephen: THAT YOUR
HUSBAND-- I WANT TO GET THIS
RIGHT-- YOU CALLED HIM SCITUATE
SWAGGA-LICIOUS.
>> I DID.
>> Stephen: HOW IS
SWAGGA-LICIOUSNESS ACHIEVED?
>> IT'S A PERSON THAT HAS A LOT
OF SWAG.
AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SWAG
IS, STEVE, YOU DEFINITELY DON'T
HAVE IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I THINK-- I THINK
IT'S TIME TO GO TO A COMMERCIAL.
I'LL WORK ON MY SWAG.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA.
