 
# That's a

# Promise

# Victoria Klahr
This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used factiously. Any resemblance to actual events or local or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Published by Victoria Klahr Books

Virginia Beach, VA 23454

www.victoriaklahrwrites.blogspot.com

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any for whatsoever.

Copyright © 2013, 2014, 2016, Victoria Klahr

All rights reserved.

Cover by Samantha Bagood

Edited by Patricia D Eddy

Re-edited by Victoria Klahr
For Alexis- who has always shown me what it means to love and be loved unconditionally, and who has always been the source for my own happiness
_"Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's sent away." –Sarah Kay_

**Table of Contents**

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Epilogue

Resources

That's a Lie

That's a Lie: Chapter 1

Acknowledgments

About the Author 

# Chapter 1

### PRESENT—SUNDAY

I'm in a sea of black. The beautiful May day gives no impression that there is any sadness or grief in the air. It's one of those days that you want to spend outside, smelling the new blooming flowers, getting some sun, and walking in the grass barefoot,

None of those things hold any interest for me.

Everything is a blur around me, a haze that mirrors my own depression. I know people are talking to me, but I don't hear them. They express sadness in their words, but most of them never sympathized with us before today. They talk as if they know us, but where were they before?

They live their lives talking shit behind people's backs, but don't see the hypocrisy in their fake condolences.

I've learned to ignore the whispers and stares, a lesson learned repeatedly as I grew up in what some would call an "unconventional" household. Apparently punching everyone who bullies you isn't the socially acceptable way to handle things, so I try to just ignore them. I don't want or need to let any of their negativity in, so I remain quiet. There's been enough sadness in our lives, and there's no need for nasty words from nosey neighbors to pile onto that pain.

A person in a black suit finishes shoveling dirt into the cold, deep grave. I focus on the earth closing around the person I was so close to. Who I loved so immensely. The ground consumes the casket, permanently putting an end to the best person I I've ever known.

I look at my dad sitting next to me. He's distraught, but well medicated for the occasion, only showing emotion when he remembers he just lost the love of his life. He seems to have aged ten years in the past week. He doesn't speak, doesn't do anything except for the essentials. He exists, but he's not living.

He looks up at me and I feel like maybe he wants to reach out and say something to comfort me, but I know his internal pain limits him from showing affection. I put my hand on his shoulder to show I'm here, hoping he understands what I mean.

People finally begin to leave -- leaving us behind to grieve together in peace. That's a lie. There's no peace for us, and there won't be for a long time. With the preparations for the funeral complete, I have all the time in the world to sit and think about the gravity of what I just lost.

That's not peace. That's torture.

"Dad," I say. "I think we should head back to the house." He continues to sit and stare ahead, giving no indication that he heard me suggest our departure.

"Dad," I try again, after a minute. "Let's say goodbye, and go home." I can't stand to be here any longer.

He stands slowly and walks over to the heap of dirt covering a life that was once vibrant and lively. He collapses onto the mound, and at first I'm startled by the sudden fall. Once I hear the heart wrenching sobs that escape his mouth, I understand he is saying his goodbye. I hear him murmuring about his undying love, and decide to give him some privacy.

I look toward the entrance of the cemetery, shaking myself out of the haze that I was in. I don't even recall walking this far to get to the grave site. Honestly, I don't want to remember, so I don't try to conjure up the memory.

A figure leans against one of the nearby trees and I sweep my eyes past until recognition hits me in the chest heavily. My throat constricts and pain obstructs my chest.

He hasn't changed much since the last time I saw him, except that he has no smile on his face today. He's still breathtakingly handsome... but he's also still the asshole I left behind at the café a year ago.

_Why is he here?_ _How dare he show his face here today of all days?_

I'm in such a state of shock that I lose concept of space and time. Everything around me blurs and all there is, is this man with the dark brown eyes. There is no funeral. There is no weeping. All there is, is _him._

He gives me a small wave and a slight lift of his beautiful lips. It is a sad and withdrawn smile, enough for me to know he understands why I'm here today.

I glare back at him, not in any mood to be civil, and stomp my way toward him, intent on giving him a piece of my mind. He has no right to be here.

As I draw closer to him, he pulls himself from the tree and approaches. We meet up and stand so close I almost forget the reason why I came up to him. In my mind's stuttering state, he speaks first.

 "Hi Josie." His deep, dominant voice washes over me, and I'm angry that it thrills me to hear it again. I swallow down the warmth, and try to keep my guard intact.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I hiss. "I thought I made it really freaking clear that I never wanted to see you again. How dare you show your face here?"

"Jo... I just wanted to come and say how sorry I am about your loss. I heard about Will, and I needed to come see how you were doing," he responds, sadness evident in the roughness of his voice.

Hearing him use my nickname makes me weak. I wrap my arms around my body to try and keep my anger from being impacted by his kindness.

"I don't want you here," I whisper, looking anywhere but at him. In one whispered sentence, I've managed to show him my vulnerability, something he doesn't deserve and something I never want him to have again.

 "I understand. I needed to make sure you're okay. I know how hard this must be for you." He reaches out his hand tentatively, and my body wars with my mind. I crave his touch—just one moment of him against my skin. Still, I turn away before he can touch me—my mind reminding me that he doesn't deserve to touch me. His hand falls to his side, a look of regret crossing his face.

"I can't do this. Dad needs me right now. I have to take him back to the house," I say, wanting to get rid of him and the memories he's bringing back.

"Let me stay with you for the day. Today is tough as it is, let me help you," he says, confidence and determination starting to seep back into his personality. This is the man I knew.

I hear footsteps behind me as my dad walks up to us. He stands there, lost in a world I don't want to enter. He said his goodbye, and now he's retreated back into his shell. I look up at my unexpected visitor and get ready to tell him goodbye for the last time.

"Mr. Sommers, I am so sorry for your loss," he says softly to my dad. "Josie and I were talking about heading back to the house to catch up and throw away some of the food your neighbors sent over." He gives me a sly smile and then returns his attention to my dad. "Would one extra person be okay?"

My dad grunts and gives a barely noticeable nod. We both know him well enough to know that he has accepted the offer. I shake my head at his response.

"Dad, go ahead to the car. I'll be there in a couple minutes," I say.

No way is this bastard coming over to my house. Not today.

When Dad is almost at the car, I whip myself around to scowl at the same stubborn man I used to know. A cocky smirk plays on his lips, and for an embarrassing moment I'm definitely distracted by them.

_Focus Josie. Who cares that he's even more handsome now than he was a year ago?_

"You need to leave and never come back around me again. I can barely even look at you without wanting to punch you in your stupid face!"

The last part is only partially true-- a part of me wants to hit him again. The other part wants to kiss him—the part that is desperate to feel something other than this pain.

His lips twitch slightly, and then grows serious. "I get that you never wanted to see me again after the last time, Josie. Just let me be here for you today. Let me be your friend this one time. I can help. You know I can help."

I _do_ know he can help, but that scares me. What's the cost if I let him back into my life?

I take a deep breath and try to sort out my thoughts. He's the last person I need to be talking to, and the second person I've wanted to talk to since this happened.

Ultimately, I know exactly who is standing before me, and I know without a doubt that if I let him back in, I will be hurt and betrayed all over again. 

# Chapter 2

### PAST- JUNIOR YEAR

"I'm _so_ freaking excited to start classes," I exclaimed to my roommate, Brooke.

After the hellatious last couple years of my life, I was finally ready to get out, meet new people, and learn everything I possibly could.

People can't take away knowledge. I reveled in that thought.

Brooke sat in front of the mirror, applying make-up to her already perfect face, and I perched on the ledge of my bed in our shared dorm reviewing my class schedule for the hundredth time. _That morning_. Butterflies flitted around in my stomach and anxiousness crept through my blood. My body couldn't decide what it wanted to feel.

Brooke swiveled in her pink chair and looked at me. "I swear, you're the strangest nerd I know," she said.

I smirked at that. That wasn't the first time I'd heard that.

Brooke and I became pretty good friends once we found out we would be rooming together for the school year. It was the start of a strange friendship—the beautiful blond haired sorority girl and the cautious _exotic_ book nerd. We forged a bond through mutual pain, and learned that stereotypes don't have dictate who you can be friends with.

We were total opposites. Brooke had platinum blond hair that was cropped short to her chin, and mine was very long and dark brown. She had manicured fingers, and mine had papercuts from reading too much. She brightened a room with her _girl next door_ charm, and I tried to stay as far away from crowds as I possibly could. Her eyes were bright blue, and mine were dark blue and murky. She was pale and flawless, and I was tanned and messy.

We were both juniors at North Carolina State University, but it was my first year since I was transferring from a community college. She knew what had happened that forced me to put off two years at the university, but she never made me feel inferior because of it.  In fact, she's one of the reasons I felt so confident about starting classes.

I was lost in my thoughts when she started snapping her manicured fingers in front of my face. "Earth to Josie! You're gonna be late if you don't head out now!"

"Shit!" I exclaimed when I looked at the clock on my desk. _How the hell did I miss the time?_

A couple of days earlier I timed my walk to class at twelve minutes, so I rushed out of the room with a quick goodbye to Brooke, and hurried to class.

Nothing would be more humiliating to me than being late to my class. I'd been having nightmares about it for a week leading up to the start of school, and there I was, rushing to get to class on time.

Luckily, my first class was English Literature—something I knew I loved and understood. It also helped that some _one_ I loved __ would be there with me.

I arrived at the classroom with five minutes to spare and searched for an empty place to sit. I found Seth turned around backwards in his own seat, talking to two blondes-- his go-to choice of girl. They giggled at something he said when I walked up to the seat next to him.

"Hey, Pussycat, I was worried you were gonna be late, since you weren't the first person here. Thought your worst nightmare might have come true." He spared me a glance when he spoke, but he turned back to the girls and winked.

I rolled my eyes at his behavior, and responded in my typical snarky fashion. "Hey Seth, I talked to your mom last night; she said you need to call her back." "She said the doctor called back about the STD results... it's important," I said in a loud whisper, leaning in.  I sent him a smirk when his jaw dropped and took out my laptop and textbooks for class.

He chuckled and turned around as the professor walked into the classroom to start the lecture. We were given the course syllabus and a list of required readings for the semester, but other than that, the class was uneventful.

I looked over at Seth slouched in his chair, barely paying attention, and smiled at the familiar warm buzzing feeling I had when he was with me. He was doodling on his binder-- a binder that no one could tell was brand new because he had already sketched all over it. Strands of his sandy blond hair fell in front of his eyes, and he kept blowing breaths of air to get it out of his way.

Seth had been my best friend since we were six years old, when we met on the playground during recess. I fell half-way across the monkey bars and he called me a sissy. I straightened up, looked him in the eyes, and punched him in the face as hard as my scrawny arm could muster. He cried out, I proceeded to call him a pussy, and walked away. We were both sentenced to a week on the sidelines while everyone else played, and that's when we became best friends.

Seth had gorgeous blue-green eyes, and the soft features of his face combined with the depth of his eyes made one hell of a handsome man. He was always wearing a black concert t-shirt with dark snug jeans and either boots or a pair of black chucks. He was a mix of rock and roll and southern charm.

He was one of those guys who was attractive without trying. Add on his incredible artistic talents and a bunch of tattoos and piercings, and he was just plain gorgeous. Especially since he was the son of a farmer and his body was so cut and muscular. I had trouble being around him without drooling sometimes.

His passion had nothing to do with farming, though. He was a photographer through and through—since the day he got his first camera in the fifth grade.

Seth was so much more than the best friend I had for the past fourteen years. Seth was... _everything_ to me. He knew me in a way that no one else could, and despite the annoying girls he like to surround himself with, I knew I was the only one who really understood the person he kept hidden from everyone else.

As soon as he caught me looking, he flashed me a charming grin that managed to heat my skin and calm my nerves at the same time.

When class was dismissed, he fell into step beside me as we walked out of the classroom.

"You know, Josie, you're really going to kill my swag if you keep spreading rumors about me like that," he said, feigning offense.

"I couldn't kill your swag if I tried." I huffed a laugh. "You could tell a girl that you were gay and they _still_ would want a chance with you."

The halls were crowded, and we wove our way among the other students. Suddenly, I was pushed to the side by a big, brawny football player rushing down the hall. He knocked the books out of my hands and my temper rose at the unwanted touch and rude intruder in my personal space.

I'd come a long way, but I still had issues with men touching me.

"Hey! Watch where you're going, asshole!" I yelled after him. My deadly glare at the back of his head went unnoticed, but I liked to think I was sending bad karma his way.

I bent over to grab my books, but there was a guy crouched at my feet, gathering my things for me. His hands brushed mine, and I immediately pulled back. I never let a man initiate touching, and even though it felt like a spark traveled up my arm, I recoiled at the contact. The loss of control--over his touch and my own reaction-- frightened me. After he picked up the books, he rose and handed them over to me.

Handsome. That was my first thought. Breathtakingly so. He was dressed in nice dark jeans and a black button-down shirt over a fitted red t-shirt. Dark brown hair was cropped close to his head, but had enough length that one could get a slight tug on it. He had broad shoulders that seemed to add to the confident demeanor he emanated, and toned muscles shifted under his shirt.

When he came to full height, chocolate brown eyes looked down at me over a slightly crooked nose. Everything about this man screamed masculine and sexy. A layer of five o'clock shadow rested against his jaw perfectly, and he had about a foot on my short stature. He was so handsome, for a moment he almost took my breath away.

Almost.

He was still just a guy. Nothing to suffocate over.

He smirked at me as I tried to shake myself loose from the embarrassing blatant act of ogling.

"Here you go," he said. With a slight shake of his head, he added, "Some people have no respect."

 "Yeah. The asshole just knocked right into me and didn't even apologize."

Seth looked over at me from where he was standing, arms crossed, not even trying to help, and glaring at the stranger who was taking his time handing over my books.

He sidled up to me, wrapped a protective arm around my shoulders and sent me a playful grin. "You're too tiny. No one can see you." Even with a jesting tone, he couldn't hide the way his gaze slid over me meticulously to be sure I was okay.

I rolled my eyes, shrugged out of Seth's arm, and slipped my books into my backpack. With the bag slung over my shoulder again, I lifted my hand in a slight goodbye to the handsome stranger.

"See you around, Josie," he called out as I walked past him.

_How did he know my name?_ I turned to ask, but he was already walking away.

"Did you tell him your name?" Seth asked, equally perplexed and looking slightly irritated.

"No... that's strange," I said. At the door to my next class, we parted. "Anyway, this is me. I'll see you after classes later."

Seth's soft lips briefly flitted against my cheek, enough to make my heart race and want so much more, but short enough for me to know it was just a friendly gesture. "Okay. See ya later, Pussycat."

I rolled my eyes at the stupid nickname he'd given me when we were kids, and walked into the classroom, away from the sound of him chuckling at my expense.

Life Sciences for Elementary Students was taught by a professor with a reputation of being the most boring man on campus. Luckily, Brooke was enduring the class with me, so I wasn't too worried about falling asleep at my desk. I slid into the seat next to her.

She leaned over. "So, I was talking to this guy at the coffee shop before class, and he said there's this house party going on tonight at a senior soccer player's house. He said we should come, but that it wasn't supposed to be a big party so we need to keep it quiet."

"Why didn't Seth say anything? He's on the soccer team, too."

She swiveled back around and shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. Maybe he forgot. Or maybe..." She turned abruptly to look at me, eyes wide. "Maybe they're brainwashing him into thinking he can't trust his friends anymore. I read about that somewhere on the Internet once. This girl was on the cheerleading squad, and they found out that the team was brainwashing her, and that's why she stopped hanging out with her old friends and started drinking all the time."

Statements like that made me love her outlook on life. She was always spouting facts she read on the Internet with enough conviction to sway even the most conservative of minds.

"Hmmm, that's an interesting theory. I bet it was something else, though," I replied, chuckling under my breath.

She shrugged her shoulders again and turned back toward the front of the class. "Oh well, just a hypotenuse."

"Hypothesis," I whispered, trying to hold in a laugh. I swear this girl was going to kill me. In addition to her conspiracy theories, she was always changing the words to songs and getting popular or common phrases wrong. She was smart, but made the funniest mistakes with her words, sometimes.

After the monotonous lecture, I headed back to my room alone, taking a long route through campus to enjoy the warm weather. I pulled out my phone to text Seth.

**Me:** _**Why didn't you tell me there was a party tonight?**_

If I was being completely honest with myself, I knew I was hurt he didn't invite me himself. Seth and I were usually inseparable, and the thought that he may not want me around made my chest hurt. Especially since I knew the reason _why_ he wouldn't want me around.

**Seth: _How did you find out about it? We were all supposed to only invite one person. I was gonna invite you later_.  **

****

**Me: _k. Brooke thinks they may be brainwashing your team, so you may want to keep an eye out for that ;)_**

_****_

It was easier to pretend it didn't matter if he was going to invite me or not. The last thing our relationship needed was my lingering desire for... _more_.

**Seth: _Of course she does. Thanks for the warning. I'll ttyl_**

_****_

I pursed my lips and analyzed his last message. My throat tightened a fraction, and fear hit my chest. _What if we can never go back to the way we used to be?_

My luck that day must have been wearing thin. I was shouldered out of someone's way and my phone flew out of my hands, breaking apart as it hit the sidewalk. I looked up and found a beautiful brunet talking animatedly to another guy, and rolled my eyes.

"You have _got_ to be fucking kidding me!" I bent down to pick up the phone pieces, and when I rose, I found a familiar face in my bubble of personal space. He grinned, amused.

"We should really stop meeting like this. Are you always a magnet for being pushed around?" he asked, humor lacing his deep voice.

There was a slight southern drawl to his words, barely noticeable which made me think he either worked hard not to sound like the people who lived here or he was new to the state. Seth lived here his whole life and had a much stronger accent.

"Yeah, everyone sees the short girl and says _hey, let's knock her down another peg_."

He smiled at me again. "Well, if you need any lessons in how to walk, I like to consider myself an expert."

"Hilarious. I don't need lessons, thank you very much. I need people to have some manners." The girl who knocked into me hovered a few feet away, seemingly waiting for the stranger in front of me.

I turned my attention back to the man in front of me, and took him in again. There was something wrong with me—I was having difficulty taking a deep breath around him. I stepped back a little, positive being close to him was making me worse... or stupid.

Over the past summer, Seth helped me conquer my fear and took me to a couple parties, but I hadn't felt an attraction to anyone there. Well, except for Seth—who I would always believe is the sexiest hunk of a man I'd ever seen.

But this person in front of me, with the kind dark brown eyes? He piqued my interest in a way I wasn't used to since...

Shaking my head, I forced those thoughts away. Not wanting to humiliate myself further by standing there and not saying anything, I started to say goodbye and be on my way.

What I wasn't expecting, was for him to take a step closer, bending down close enough that I could smell an intoxicating scent of rain and citrus on his body. I _really_ wasn't expecting to like him being so close.

_Oh, god. Please tell me I didn't just gulp in front of him!_

I internally rolled my eyes at my awkwardness. I really needed to work on my social skills.

His gaze roamed down my body and back up into my eyes. "The soccer team is throwing a party tonight. I hope you can make a grand entrance that doesn't involve you sprawled out all over the floor. I'll see you there, Josie," he said softly.

Without waiting for an answer, he winked and walked toward the girl who was tapping her foot impatiently. She put her hands on him when he came up to her, but he didn't touch her back.

_Who is this guy?_ _And why the_ hell _do I care?_

# Chapter 3

### PAST—JUNIOR YEAR

Flopped on my bed, I couldn't get the image of that guy out of my head. That smile—my heartbeat fluttered as I remembered it directed at me.

He seemed nice enough, but didn't they all? I couldn't get stupid about him. I didn't know who he was. I'd decided to move on when I transferred over to the university, wanting the friendships and the dating that goes along with a normal college experience, but I also understood that I was different. I couldn't grasp for something with this guy because he had a seemingly genuine smile.

My phone rang, interrupting my daydreaming.

"Hi Daddy."

"Hello, baby girl. I wanted to know how your classes went today. I have no doubt you were a perfect and marvelous student."

I smiled at his enthusiasm. "Yes, it was great. I think I'm really going to like my English class this year. I've already read half the book list, so it should be pretty easy. My life science class, though? Yeah, that professor is hella boring."

He chuckled through the receiver. "At least Brooke's in that one, right? She's a hoot."

I rolled my eyes, laughing. "Did you seriously just say _hoot?"_

"I did. Deal with it," he said flippantly. "How's our favorite boy doing?"

I sighed, Seth's face popping into my head. My parents had been asking a lot of questions about my best friend, lately. Constantly making sure that he's doing okay. "He's fine, Daddy."

"So...," he said, elongating the _o_ , "did you meet any cute boys today in class?"

"Nope. No cute boys in my class." I tried not to groan into the phone. Technically, it wasn't a lie. Sexy Stranger Man was not in any of my classes. The one good thing about being an hour away from home was that Daddy couldn't tell if I was lying or not.

"All right then, Josie Bean," he said, his tone portraying his disbelief in my answer. Or maybe it was disappointment. "How are _you_ doing? Are you doing okay with being around everyone?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. As long as I stay in control of myself, I'll be fine. Seth's always around, so that helps a lot. I don't think you need to worry." I wanted to reassure him the best I could, even if my attempts were futile. "I have to go over some of my school work, so I'll talk to you later. I love you."

As much as I tried to circumvent my apprehensions, they still lingered and buzzed in my head—hidden away from everyone else but constantly torturing me. My parents and Seth had worried about me for too long. I worked hard to prove to them I was healing... but it was a lie.

***

I'd always been that nerdy girl who preferred to stay at home and read a book instead of going out. Seth was my only real friend growing up, and he was all I ever wanted. After the assault, I was desperate to feel normal again, so I asked Seth to take me with him to his parties so I could meet some of his friends in a safe environment. I'd needed to feel alive again, and I didn't trust anyone as much as I trusted Seth.

Brooke, though, she _loved_ to party. She was wild and scandalous and had the best stories of her crazy nights out. Tonight, Brooke dressed in cute tiny black shorts and a quarter-sleeved silver sequined top with thigh high black leather boots to match. She knew how to dress to impress, but she always managed to stay classy about it.

My own outfit was a lot more conservative. I went with skinny jeans and a white t-shirt underneath a cute faux-leather biker's jacket. Red high heels helped give me some height, but they almost seemed unnecessary because I would likely be talking them off within the first thirty minutes. High glamour and high heels were never really my thing. I curled my dark brown hair into soft waves that fell midway down my back and applied a small amount of make-up to eyes.

I looked good. I felt good. My eyes flickered in the light, dark blue and framed in long lashes. Their slight slant and my naturally tanned skin came from my Daddy's Philippine heritage, something I was proud of, even though I wasn't raised within the Philippine culture.

I looked over at Brooke, and was shocked to see her applying extra make-up. "Whoa Brooke, you looking to get laid tonight?"

"Maybe," she said, sending me a wink and turning back to her mascara. "It's the first part since school started, so I have to make sure I get the pick of the lottery."

A giggle tumbled out of my mouth.  "Do you mean litter? The pick of the litter?"

She scrunched up her nose and shrugged her shoulders. "Sure. Either way, I want to have them all focused on me, so I can choose which one I wanna take to my bed later."

The knock at the door distracted me from the uncomfortable conversation about her bringing someone back to our _shared room_. I opened the door, finding a distracted Seth checking out a passing girl's ass.

"Seth! You can't knock on my door and not even acknowledge me when I open it!" I chastised, maybe a little harsher than I should as his best friend.

He turned his attention back to me and gave me his trademark devil-may-care grin. "Sorry Josie. But did you see her ass in that dress?"

I shook my head at his stereotypical male hormonal response, and invited him into the room. He leaned in, hugged me, and kissed the top of my head. "You look really hot tonight, Pussycat," he whispered in my ear. My heart thumped hard as his hot breath hovered against my skin.

He always knew how to make me feel good. In fact, he made me feel a little _too_ good sometimes. The butterflies started fluttering in my stomach and I couldn't get them to stand down. We may have made it clear we were strictly friends, but that didn't stop my body from humming at his words and proximity.

"You're looking pretty good tonight, too, Sethy Poo," I said back. He winked and kissed my temple.

He did, of course, but Seth always looked good. He was attractive: great body, gorgeous eyes, and a sexy smile that melted my heart. And boy did he know it.

"So, you ladies ready to go? It's only about a five-minute drive from here."

I checked myself out in the mirror one last time, and nodded to Seth when I realized I wasn't going to get much better. Brooke finished her make-up and said she was ready to go, too. We all hopped into Seth's Dodge Ram, and went over the party rules, like we did for every party we went to. I was designated driver for the night, so I was in charge of making sure that everyone made it back to the dorms safely.

I assumed it would be a run-down apartment or town house for the party. Instead, we parked outside a yellow, two-story, Victorian house. "Cute," I said.

"You ready?" Seth asked.

"Of course," I said with a roll of my eyes. I have to downplay the nervousness that sits in the bottom of my stomach. _Seth wouldn't take you anywhere he didn't think you were safe._

He smiled, wrapped his arm around my waist, and walked Brooke and me into the house. The music was pumping, and the party was already in full swing. Everyone had a cup or a beer in their hands, either dancing or talking loudly to one another.

There was a DJ booth set up in what I assumed was the living room, which had been cleared out and turned into a makeshift dance floor. We squeezed through the throng of people and made it to the kitchen. A rather intense beer pong tournament raged and a bar had been set up in one corner.

Brooke went right to the vodka and chugged a shot while Seth opted for a beer. Being the responsible one that night, I snagged a bottle of water. A second and third shot quickly followed Brooke's first and she grabbed my arm and shouted, "Let's go shake our asses!"

I admired her unfettered spirit, and nodded my head, ready to get lost in the music and have some fun with my friends. I turned to tell Seth we were going to dance, but he was already chatting up a cute redhead. I eventually caught his attention and I motioned to the dance floor, trying my hardest not to look bothered that he was putting on the another girl so soon after...

He nodded to let me know he understood and went back to talking to the girl. The slightly glazed look in his eyes and the easy way he let me out of his sight told me he was already feeling the alcohol. I told my racing heart to chill. He deserved a night where he didn't have to worry about me.

Brooke and I made it through the large mass of people and danced to some music with a hard base and catchy lyrics. It doesn't matter how much you suck at dancing, when you're shaking your ass, you can do no wrong. I threw my arms up in the air and let the music move my body. After a couple of songs, a heavy, unwanted arm wrapped around my stomach.

_An arm wrapped around my stomach, and the other pushed my shoulder toward the back exit._

I immediately felt threatened, but forced the fear down. I turned around, and before the jerk even saw it coming, I threw a punch right into his nose, bones crunching under the impact of my hand. It hurt like a bitch, and I'd probably be nursing a bruise for a few days, but I would never regret my impulsive decision to stop someone from touching me without asking.

The blond guy, one I'd noticed checking me out in class earlier, was shocked and put his hand to his nose.

"What the hell?" he screamed.

His arm rose, threatening, like he wanted to slap me, but I would never know for sure because someone shoved him away from me. I didn't need someone to save me, but it was delightful to see the asshole punched in the mouth by someone else.

"Get the hell out before I break your fucking nose, Josh!" he yelled to the now bloody Josh. I recognized the voice and realized that the guy who just saved me from a huge headache in the morning was my stranger—the one who knew my name and kept witnessing people trampling over me.

He looked me up and down, not leering, but checking to make sure I was okay. My own stare was more of the _checking him out_ variety. He definitely lived up to my earlier memories. He was still in dark jeans, but now wore a black fitted t-shirt with a Fly Society logo on the front, his thick arms straining against the sleeves.

Brooke took that moment to snap out of her shock. "Don't worry. She did more damage to him than he would have done to her," she told him.

He smiled at that and looked back at me. "Are you okay, Josie?"

Concern filled his deep voice and my brows creased in confusion. I wasn't sure if I liked or even _wanted_ someone like him to care about my well-being. "Yeah I'm fine. My fist hurts a little, but I should be okay." I shook out my hand and examined it quickly to make certain nothing was cut or broken.

"Good. You might get a bruise, but it looks like you'll be fine," he said, eyes fixed on my hand. He looked back into my eyes and smiled. "Are you up for dancing with me?"

Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body" started playing on the speakers. I nodded, not wanting to give that asshole the satisfaction of ruining my night. I wasn't the type to allow just any guy to dance with me, but this person had shown me in a few seconds that I would be safe with him, and that meant more to me than he would know.

He didn't touch me while we danced, and it spoke volumes about his character. In fact, watching his dark eyes smolder with every swish of my hips, lit a fire in my belly. Desire for him pulsed like a current in the distance between us. I moved closer until only an inch separated us. It was curious how I had such an aversion to men, but he managed to make me want more.

"What's your name?" I asked, my breathing quickening.

"Well, some like to call me their knight in shining armor, but you can call me Blake," he said with a disarming smile. Ugh, his name was as sexy as that smirk he kept sending my way.

"Well _Blake_ , how is it that you know my name, and I'm just now learning yours?"

I held my breath and stopped dancing as he moved his hand toward my neck, tracing one finger on the chain from the hollow of my throat to the middle of my chest, where my name was written on a pendant. _Of course_. How could I forget that I wore a necklace that broadcasted my name?

With his finger still lightly touching my name, he leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Your necklace really only helped bring more attention to your gorgeous neck."

I swallowed and bit my lip to hide the moan that threatened to escape my mouth. His eyes zoned in on my lips.

It was ridiculous, really. To let a stranger affect me when I should have been pushing him away. But it was relaxing to forget about my mental scars and have a slice of liberation. And if I'm being honest, I had never been romanced before. Blake seemed like he knew exactly what he was doing.

He leaned in closer. "May I touch you?" he asked, voice rough.

"Yes," I breathed, and nodded to make sure he understood.

I wanted him to touch me more than I could understand. His hand gripped my waist, drawing my body to his, and his other hand reached up to trace my jaw. Even when his touch left my skin, the warm tingles remained. This time, my moan _did_ escape. _What is happening to me?_

My embarrassment abated as soon as I heard him moan too—right before he pulled me closer and ground his hips against me. I felt the muscles in his arms as I worked my hands up to the back of his neck. My thumb grazed over the stubble on his face and I enjoyed the roughness before I moved my hands to rest in his short, soft brown hair.

"You are so beautiful, Josie. I noticed you as soon as you walked into the house."

I smiled and shook my head. There wasn't much to me, and I doubted I would stand out in a crowd like this. I was pretty, but I never attracted attention for my looks.  I was short and excessively skinny. I had a little bit of curve in my butt, but that was about it. The jolt of pleasure at his words was something I hadn't felt with anyone other than Seth, though.

His words empowered me, giving me courage I didn't realize I had anymore. I turned around and backed into him, closing my eyes as soon as his arm around my stomach. I reached my arm up behind his neck and lost myself in his touch.

It was sexy and intimate and I was completely captivated by him and the music. We danced together for several songs before we decided to go back and get something to drink. I looked for Brooke in the crowd and found her making out with some girl that she probably just met. She did that almost every time she got drunk. I motioned to the kitchen when she came up for air, and she gave me a thumbs up in return, waggling her eyebrows.

When we entered the kitchen, Blake grabbed two beers. "Oh, I'm not drinking. I'm designated driver tonight," I said when he tried to hand me the drink.

"Oh," he said, looking a little disappointed. "Well, you could always stay here so you don't have to drive." He smiled mischievously before putting the beer back and grabbing a water.

"Not only would it be incredibly stupid of me to stay the night in a random house with a complete stranger, but I don't even know whose house this is."

He laughed and looked me in the eyes. "I like that you do that."

"Do what?" I asked, confused.

"You just say whatever you're thinking. Also, the fact that you didn't agree to stay. Because you're right, it _is_ stupid. Even worse, there are plenty who have, and I'd guess a few of those girls out on the dance floor tonight will agree to stay with someone they just met."

He shook his head and grabbed my hand, directing us to the back door and out onto a porch. There were a few people in the yard smoking and talking, but the porch was empty.

He took me over to a couple of rocking chairs seated in the corner of the porch and we sat down. The wind blew some of my curls in my face, and before I was able to reach out and brush them away, his hand gently pushed the offending locks back behind my ear. My breath caught as he touched me gently, taking his time trailing his hand through my hair.

His eyes searched mine, dark brown and vaguely familiar somehow, though I didn't know why.

"So, tell me a little about yourself. I haven't seen you around campus before, are you a freshman?" he asked, leaning back into his chair.

This was comfortable territory for me. I could do the small talk. Much easier than dealing with all these confusing emotions my body was sending me.

"I'm a junior, but I just started here."

"Oh, okay. So where did you transfer from?"

"Just a community college in Wilson." I didn't need or want to elaborate. The two years I'd needed at home to get my shit together were mine and mine alone. Blake must have sensed that any major revelations about my life were off-limits because he didn't ask me any more questions about my transfer.

"What about you? What year are you? What's _your_ story, Mr. Knight in Shining Armor?"

He laughed lightly, a soft, deep laugh that warmed my insides. "I'm a senior. They didn't offer knight training at this college, so I had to settle for architecture. What's your major?"

"Childhood education, but I might go further so I can be a guidance counselor. It's hard—they ask us so young what we want to do with our lives, and I feel like I had to just pick something without really knowing."

"You're right. A few friends of mine had that same problem. They graduated with something they realized they weren't happy with, and now they're stuck. I've known that I wanted to go into architecture my whole life, though, so it was easy for me. My dad wanted me to go into business management like he did, but I couldn't do it. I don't want to help run the family brewery, it's never interested me. Although, I do love the free beer."

"Was he mad that you chose architecture?"

Blake looked away from my inquisitive stare and thought about his answer before replying. He clenched his jaw, but it was so subtle I almost missed it. He was good at hiding. "I don't really care what he thinks about what I chose. He's a bad person, and I don't associate with him anymore. He may not have liked it at the time, but he doesn't get to choose how I live my life."

I knew I should have left it at that and respected his answer like he did with me, but curiosity got the best of me. "What about your mom?"

He looked back at me and grinned, any frustration draining from his posture and expression. "My Ma is the best supporter I have. She and my dad divorced about sixteen years ago, so I always had her to keep me on the right track. She makes me feel like I can do anything." He rolled his eyes and let his head smack against the chair, laughing under his breath. "It's corny to talk about my Ma like that, but I love her."

"My parents are like that too. We can be corny together."

He slid me a smile and reached over to take my hand in his. My hand looked delicate and small in his much larger one, but it felt... nice. The tingles started thrumming in my stomach again.

"So, can we get the first date information out of the way? What's your favorite color, book, movie, song? All of that stuff."

_First date?_ I had never been on a first date before. Seth and I... yeah, that was purely physical. I looked at Blake and I realized for the first time that I _wanted_ that. I wanted to experience dating and falling in love like a normal person.

I took a leap.

"My favorite color is green. My favorite movie right now is _Superbad_. I love to read, so I couldn't even tell you my favorite book. Probably the whole Harry Potter series. I've read them all about four times. My favorite song changes every day, but today it's Bubbly by Colbie Caillat." I laughed nervously, and asked him the same questions.

"Hmm... blue is my favorite color, like a dark sapphire blue. My favorite movie is Saw." He smirked at my grimace.  "My favorite song today has got to be _Man in the Mirror."_ He paused, pulling his hand from mine. "Okay, you're going to hate me, but I don't like to read. But when I was a kid, I loved _When You Give a Mouse a Cookie_ ," he said hiding his face behind his hands.

I laughed and reached out to pull his hands away. "That book is a classic, so I'll give you a pass. Though it really is a shame you don't read."

Instead of releasing my hand, he kept a firm grip on it. "Is it a deal breaker?"

"I haven't decided yet," I said, returning his playful smirk.

I wanted to keep talking, but the back door swung open and Seth came stumbling out. Blake and I both turned in his direction, and Seth must have noticed the movement because he started toward us.

"There you are, Pussycat. I was looking for you. Brooke told me you punched some guy."

Seth was seriously five feet away and he was shouting as if there was a lake between us. He had way more to drink than usual. Blake pulled his hand away from mine as Seth came up to me. An unexpected twinge of hurt jabbed at me.

"Yup. He thought he could to wrap his arm around me without permission, so I taught him a lesson. He was about to hit me back when Blake stepped in and punched him." Seth sobered up a bit at this new information, knelt down in front of me, and brought his rough hands to caress my face. "Are you okay? I'm so sorry I wasn't out there with you," he said, voice rough.

I hugged him and whispered, "You can't be there every time, Seth. I'm okay."

Blake stood and leaned against the railing observing the moment between Seth and me. His brows creased slightly in confusion before he smoothed out his features and gave me a small smile.

"I better get back and make sure no one destroys my house. I'll see you around, Josie." His gaze had turned cool and uninterested.

"Oh okay. See you around." _So this is his house_.

Should I hug him goodbye? shake his hand? Or maybe fist-bump him?  I stood, debating for so long that he turned and walked back into the house. Talk about awkward. _What happened?_

"Well, that was weird," Seth said, pulling my attention away from overanalyzing that uncomfortable goodbye. I shrugged as if it was no big deal and wrapped an arm around his waist. I figured it was time to go, so we went to find Brooke.

"Do you see Brooke anywhere?" I asked Seth, scanning the crowd.

"She's over there with that guy," Seth replied, pointing in the direction of my clearly indisposed friend.

I spotted her flirting shamelessly with a handsome guy who looked around our age. She kept touching his arm and leaning in so he could get a better look at her rack. I walked up to them and let her know we were ready to leave.

"Ah man! I just met this handsome feller," she said with a southern accent that came out hardcore whenever she was drunk. I needed to get her back to bed or she would skip classes the next day. I raised my eyebrows at the guy she was chatting with, and he gave me a charming grin.

"I'll help you get her to your car. I already put my number in her phone in case she'd like to call me sometime."

I gave him a grateful smile. There was no way I could handle two intoxicated people. Brooke's stranger had shaggy dark brown hair, was tall, and had green eyes. Most importantly, he seemed genuinely sweet, and that made him okay in my book. He looked down at Brooke adoringly, and wrapped his arm around her shoulders so he could guide her out of the house.

We were walking toward the door when I recognized Blake. He was leaning over a redheaded girl against the wall, whispering in her ear, just as he had done to me earlier. I couldn't tear my eyes away and watched as he licked the pretty girl's neck. Her eyes rolled back in her head, and I could only imagine how it would have felt to have that tongue on me. He slanted his head and caught my eye. He smiled that sexy half smile of his before he went back to kissing the girl.

I didn't know why I was upset, but the sting of disappointment felt like a stabbing pain in my chest. Seth came up next to me and grabbed my hand. The comfort and familiarity of his presence helped calm the unsettling feelings. I shook myself out of the fog and continued to the truck.

Seth didn't have to say anything to me, the constant run of his thumb against my hand was just what I needed. I always loved his hands. Strong, slightly calloused, and reassuring.

Everyone got in the truck safely, and I thanked the guy who helped with Brooke.

"My name's Brandon. Don't let her forget about me, okay?" His eyes danced and he gave Brooke one last lingering touch on her cheek.

I drove us to the dorms, thoroughly worn out and ready to wash away the confusion of the day. I looked over at Seth leaning his head against the car window and wished we hadn't let things get so complicated. Or maybe I wished I could go back and fight harder for him.

All I knew in that moment was that I was lonely and needed a change in my life.

# Chapter 4

### PAST—JUNIOR YEAR

Seth helped carry Brooke up to our dorm room and put her to bed. I turned around after I covered her up and found Seth staring at me.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when that guy touched you," he said after a minute.

I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. I needed him to know it was okay. "Seth, I was in the middle of a dancing crowd. I knew what I was getting into when I went in there. He shouldn't have assumed I wanted his dirty hands on me, but sometimes it happens. I'm okay."

"Jos, I don't know what I would do if I fucked up and didn't protect you again. I--"

"Seth! There was nothing more you could have done two years ago, and there wasn't anything that you could have done tonight. I know how to protect myself in a big crowd like that. I was safe."

His blue--green eyes turned steely as he backed me against the wall, fixed me with a hard stare, and spoke with a determined edge to his voice. "I won't let anything happen to you again, Josie. I swear I will spend every day for the rest of my life making it up to you. So don't stand there and try to tell me that it was okay that I wasn't there to beat the shit out of that guy's ass, because it's not."

He was so close to me. Just a breath away. And even though I wanted to argue with him, he left me breathless. He leaned his forehead against mine and let out a small huff. _Please. Just one more time._ His eyes closed—hiding the war waging behind them.

He stayed like that for several moments before he opened his eyes, swallowed, and lifted his hand to my face. I leaned my cheek into him and let him touch me. His thumb stroked my lips, and then it was my turn to close my eyes to help hold myself together. His soft lips gently pressed against the corner of my mouth and I lost my breath. _Please, Sethy. One more._

He lingered there for a moment before he pulled back and said, "I love you, Pussycat. I'll see you tomorrow."

He walked out of the room, and I slid to the floor, still leaning against the wall in an attempt to keep my overwhelmed body from collapsing. "Fuck."

"I thought you said you two have never fucked," Brooke said, clearly not as asleep as we thought.

"We haven't," I lied. Brooke's snores were my only response.

As I laid in bed, I forgot all about Blake and couldn't get my best friend out of my head. Trying to get away from unrequited love, I agreed to his request to stop all intimacy when school started. And while I was left heartbroken, I knew it was for the best. Things had gone back to normal—or so I'd thought.

It hadn't always been that way with us. The intimacy. We were strictly best friends up until three months ago. I was well aware of how good looking he was, but he was my best friend so it never crossed my mind to change our relationship. When I asked him to make me feel good—wanted, safe, and loved—I knew he was surprised, but I also knew he would do anything for me.

He helped me forget. He showed me that a man's touch can be loving and tender and not forced. I owed him a lot for taking that chance. For risking our friendship in the process.

***

The next morning, I woke up and groaned as the events of the night before came tumbling back into the forefront of my mind.

I needed coffee. There was a coffee shop not too far from the school campus, so I drove my little silver Neon over there before my class. I hadn't been there yet, but Brooke told me they had the best coffee, and the atmosphere was even better.

The bright blue sign read: _Reverie: A Coffee Den_. There were tables outside of the coffee shop that offered a perfect place to study until it got too cold. Once I got my coffee, I went to sit down outside and enjoy the weather. The sound of a chair scraping next to me pulled me from my thoughts and I looked up to see Blake sitting there.

"Hello, gorgeous," he said with a smile. I shook my head and looked down at my clothes. I was wearing old, faded jeans, a well-worn Ravenclaw t-shirt, and had a Harry Potter wand pen stuck in my hair. I was not _gorgeous_.

Irritation rolled off of me, and I didn't bother returning his greeting.  "How was the rest of your night, last night?"

He gave a one-shouldered shrug. "It could have been better, but eventually I got everyone out of my house."

"Who did you do after they all left?" The question slipped out before I could even stop it. I covered my mouth at the slip up. Dropping my hand, I tried again and asked, "I meant what. _What_ did you do after... not _who_."

 My cheeks heated in embarrassment, and the flush only deepened when I looked up and saw him raise his eyebrows, a knowing grin on his lips.

"I went to bed after they left," he said, cagily.

I wasn't going to embarrass myself any further by admitting that I wanted to know if he screwed that girl. I pursed my lips to the side and decided to change the subject. "I loved your house, by the way. Did your mom go away for the week?"

"No, it's the house I'm renting while I go to school here. And thanks, I like the house too." He reached to push a lock of hair back behind my ear and I sighed. I freaking _sighed_! His hands were pretty freaking perfect. They weren't as calloused as Seth's, but they were strong and masculine.

Blake seemed to want to pick up right where we left off the night before and I let him. We started talking about music, school, and his siblings. He told me about the classes he liked and the ones he didn't. There was something about Blake that made him so easy to talk to. I didn't accept many new people into my life, so this was kind of a big deal for me.

Our conversation eventually moved to his family. He had two brothers and one sister. Brody was one year older than Blake and was living in Pennsylvania, running the family business -- a successful brewery called Golden Valley Brewery. From the terse and hasty way he talked about Brody, I assumed there was some sort of unresolved problem between them.

Brandon was a year younger than Blake and was staying with him until Brandon finished his degree at NCSU. His sister, actually his step-sister, was named Breanna. He said she was shy and withdrawn but incredibly sweet. She lived with his step-mom an hour away.

"Do you like your step-mom?" I asked.

He took a moment to ponder the question before answering. "I think she's perfect for John, my dad. She wanted money and recognition and that's what she got as his wife. My dad used to be the CEO of my grandpa's brewing company, so my step-mom enjoyed the money and the popularity his position offered."

"You said 'used to.' Is he not anymore?" I asked.

His dark eyes flashed and a muscle twitched in his jaw. Every muscle in his body seemed to tense. "Yeah, well you kind of get thrown out of a position of power when you do something stupid and get sent to prison." He rose from his chair. "I have to get to class in a few, so I'm going to head out," he snapped.

I didn't want to leave our conversation like that, so I grabbed his hand before he took off. "Hey. I didn't mean to offend you. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to."

His hand relaxed and the muscles in his taut face eased. He gave me a sad smile and shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Josie. My dad... he's one of those things I'll never be comfortable talking about. With anyone." He shook his head and readjusted his backpack on his shoulder. "I do need to get to class, though. I'll talk to you later." He leaned down and put his lips next to my ear, igniting a fire on my skin as I felt heat if his breath. "And by the way, I went to bed _alone_ last night, and couldn't stop thinking about that dance with you," he said huskily, and then kissed my cheek.

I gasped as he pulled back, sending me a wink. A part of me was thrilled that he didn't take that girl to bed with him, but I was also ashamed that I cared so much. I sat in the rusty metal chair, ignoring my cold coffee, and replayed every detail of our conversation.

My thoughts especially lingered on how close his mouth was to mine. Another couple of inches and...

_Ugh,_ I groaned to myself. _I am totally being a girl about this stupid boy._

I hadn't believed I could move on from what I had with Seth, but the more time I spent with Blake Porter, the more I wondered if it wasn't a possibility.

As I went through my morning classes, I tried to focus on my work and not replay our encounters over and over again. I didn't think about his sweet smile. Or the accent he tried to hide. Or the way his shirts always seemed too tight for all those muscles on his body.

Nope. I was a good student who worked diligently, not a silly girl who had an infatuation with a boy she barely knew.

My final class of the day was Psychology, and I hoped my it would hold my interest more than the other classes that day. I walked through the door and realized my hopes were pointless. I felt the heat and the intensity of his stare before I even saw him.

I held my breath, not even tensing, when he walked up next to me and grabbed my elbow. His scent and touch was becoming too familiar. My heart raced with a mix of fear and hope.

"Come sit with me," he said, nodding toward the back, not really asking. I sure as hell wasn't going to say no to him. What had been lacking in my other classes was standing in front of me, and I wasn't going to pass that up. We found two empty spots in the back of the classroom.

I wasn't sure what to say, so I let my eyes wander around the room. Every nerve in my body was increasingly aware of the placement of his hand on the back of my chair. It was an everyday occurrence. Nothing to write home about, but the fact that it was happening to _me_ made it feel significant.

I paused in my scan of the room when I saw a pair of eyes throwing daggers my way. The person behind the eyes was the pretty redhead that had been with Blake against the wall at the party.

I was half tempted to stick my tongue out at her, when my attention was raptured once again by Blake as he dragged his thumb over my back. It was the simplest of touches, but it made my heart skip. I froze and forced myself to look at him, knowing my rigid posture might make him stop.

His eyes were full of flirtatiousness. Had I ever flirted with another boy before? Seth and I jumped from best friends to lovers in seconds, so everything with Blake was a whole new experience for me.

Blake was doing something to me, and I didn't know if I liked it. Needing a distraction, I decided to bring up redhead.

"So, your conquest from last night was just staring daggers at me. You know of any reason why she would dislike me so much?" I made no effort to hide my irritation. He laughed deeply.

He hummed and reached across our desks to touch my necklace, fingers scorching my skin in the process. Goosebumps splayed across my collarbone. "Don't worry, you're the only one I want."

He pulled away and his demeanor changed as if he just thought of something. "So is that guy you left with your boyfriend?" he asked. His voice held a trace of curiosity and maybe even anger.

"No. Seth is my best friend. We've been friends since we were six years old. We're just really close," I answered, feeling the slight sting the truth brought.

As much as I loved having Seth as my best friend, there was still a lingering yearning for what we could have had. It didn't matter, not anymore. It was time for me to move on, and I had the perfect person in front of me to do that with.

 "Then he won't mind if I take you out Friday night?"

I smiled at him, glad we were on the same page. I didn't know this guy, not really, but I wanted to.

"No. That sounds good. But it has to be close by and it has to be in a place where there are people, but not so many that I could get lost in the crowd. Those are my rules. If you don't like it, then you can ask someone else out." I replied.

The professor started the class, and Blake leaned over and whispered, "That's more than okay."

***

The rest of the week flew by. Blake and I met up on Thursday morning for coffee, and we texted frequently. Brooke had been ecstatic when I came back to the dorm and told her about Blake asking me out. She went straight to her closet and started picking out shoes and outfits I could wear. Blake wouldn't tell me what we were doing but he did let me know to dress casually.

Seth hadn't been as enthused about the date. In fact, his anger was noticeable in every conversation we had that week, and I didn't understand why. I didn't think it was out of jealousy. He slept with other women all the time. Ultimately, I think he was worried about a stranger taking me out without being able to protect me.

We hadn't had another sexually charged incident since Monday night, and I was glad. It hurt too much when he made me feel that way. My heart needed to repair. I couldn't lose my best friend over my inability to control my feelings.

Ever since I was a little girl, I would scratch the side of my nose when I was lying. Unfortunately, this meant that Seth and my parents always knew when I was keeping something from them.

Seth wasn't stupid—he knew I wasn't being honest when he asked if there was anything he could do to convince me not to go on the date. I knew what he wanted. He wanted me to say I was scared to go out with a man I didn't know.

But truthfully, I only wanted him to feel the same way I did about him. If he could reciprocate all those things that are forbidden in my heart, then I would have never gone on that date with Blake. But Seth wouldn't lie. He was my best friend, and we would only ever be best friends.

That was his choice. Moving on was mine.

Friday finally came and I felt like a lovesick teenager—checking my phone for a text from him every time it beeped. Getting giddy every time Brooke and I talked about the date. It was soothing to lose myself in the normal and comfortable relationship we were forming.

As I was getting ready, someone knocked on the door. Assuming it was Brooke coming in to critique my look, I yelled, "Come in!" I had decided to go casual and wear shorts that showed off my legs and a blue top that showed just the right amount of cleavage.

Seth walked in as I was pinning stray curls to the top of my head.

"Hey, Seth. What's up?" I assumed he was there to talk me out of the date. Again.

"Just wanted to talk to you before you left." He touched one of the loose curls that escaped my pinned up hair. "You look beautiful, Josie." He sounded a little sad, but I didn't understand why. It was _his_ idea that we stop having sex in order to pursue other people.

"Careful Seth, you might give me the impression that you're looking for something serious," I said, joking. I turned away and swallowed the lump in my throat as I put on my tan cowgirl boots. When he looked at me with those bright eyes and pouted full lips, he brought back too many feelings I was working hard to bury.

He smiled with very little enthusiasm. He shook his head and released a heavy sigh. "Look, Jos, I want you to be careful tonight. I asked Blake at soccer practice where y'all are goin', so now I have a better idea of what's goin' on. We haven't been to a self-defense class in a while, and I want to make sure you're safe before you leave."

He grabbed my face and made my lips pucker like a fish. "Just don't do anything stupid and call me if you need anything. Even if it's silly, call me." He let go and swatted my butt before heading for the door.

"I'll be careful, Seth. Go get laid. You're looking a bit uptight." He laughed half-heartedly, shook his head, and walked out the door. I finished my make-up and sent a text to Blake letting him know that I was heading down.

I walked outside to find Blake leaning against his car, in dark designer jeans and a fitted grey thermal. Those damn arms of his were going to be the death of me. He must've gone to the gym every day to stay that fit. I sent out a request to the goddess of sexual desires to give me the chance to touch them.

He strolled up to me and smiled a wide—perfectly gorgeous in every way. He grabbed me and twirled me around once before wrapping me in an embrace. "You are the epitome of beauty, Josie. You ready to go?"

Corny. So corny and untrue, but this was the first time a guy ever over-exaggerated how beautiful I was. It felt good.

"You better live up to my expectations Mr. Blake Porter. I've heard a lot of stories suggesting that you're quite the romantic."  Rumors about him being a charming gentleman were rampant around campus, but I also heard he never stuck around for very long after a couple dates. We walked over to his black Lexus and he opened the door for me.

"Well, Miss Josie Sommers, I hope I don't let you down."

As we drove, we talked about different movies and music. He made it so easy to be around him. Every fear I had about getting out into the real world about putting myself out there for relationships, slipped away the longer I was with him.

He pulled up to a brick building that looked like a classy night club. The parking lot was filled, which wasn't surprising for a Friday night, but we managed to get a spot just as someone else was leaving. He turned the car off and shifted in his seat toward me.

"So, it was about ten minutes away and there's a crowd here, but not enough of a crowd that you would get swallowed in it. Is that good enough?" he asked.

"Yes it's perfect." He smiled triumphantly and I sunk a little more in my seat from how cute that smile looked on him.

"Good. So, this place is a jazz club, and every couple of months, they have talent nights when people—usually college students—come in and get their five minutes of fame. They have poetry, music, art, and even magic."

"Oh, that sounds like fun. Do you ever go up there?" Blake held up his hand to tell me to wait, hurried around the car, and opened my door for me. When his hand extended to help me up, I grabbed it, maybe a little thrilled to have him touching me again.

"I can only design houses and buildings. So, no, I haven't gone up there to show my boring blueprints to the crowd. And trust me when I say that you never want me to sing in front of anyone." I chuckled at his honesty as we walked into the bar.

_Lantern_ was exactly what you would picture for a jazz club. The atmosphere was calming and laid back. It had a bar in the back corner and the walls were lined with draped black and red fabric. The middle was full of round tables with a lantern and a cluster of candles at each one, and along the wall were black and red booths. Everything faced a stage at the front where the performances took place. We grabbed a booth toward the back of the room and settled in for the night.

We had just ordered drinks and an order of cheese fries when a group of guys came up to the table. Blake got up and said hi, doing those special _men only_ handshakes with each of them. Blake sat back down and introduced me to his friends, giving me the opportunity to properly meet his brother, Brandon. Brooke mentioned earlier in the week that the guy she was hooking up with was Blake's brother.

"Hey girl," Brandon said, sliding in close to me. "Is your hot friend here tonight, too?"

"Not tonight, but you might be able to catch her at a make-over party with her friends. Make-up, high heels, dresses and gossip. A boy's paradise," I teased. Girlie get-togethers like that weren't my thing. I preferred climbing trees or reading a book. Luckily, Brooke never cared about our differences.

Brandon was even more handsome than I'd originally thought and seeing them side by side, I could now tell that he and Blake were related. Their faces were strikingly similar, but everything else set them apart. Brandon's hair was longer and wavier, and he was leaner and short than Blake.

"Yeah, that's right up Brandon's alley," said a guy named Dom. Dom had light brown skin, honey brown eyes, and a huge smile with perfect white teeth. Everyone laughed, and I wondered if I'd missed something, because Brandon suddenly looked pissed.

Blake wrapped his arm around my shoulders and moved his thumb against the side of my neck. It sent a bolt of electricity through my body.

"We found Brandon trying to wipe off make-up one day," Blake explained with a laugh. His story was lost in my inability to comprehend anything but where his hand was touching me. He gently tugged on a loose curl, and it sent a rush of warmth right to the middle of my thighs.

"Dude, it was the only way I could get Ally to let me fuck her. She liked those emo guys who wear eyeliner. I could handle a little make-up if it meant hitting a piece of that ass." Brandon was trying to brag, but the guys only laughed harder at him. I was still focused on Blake's hand, but heard enough to roll my eyes at him.

"Yeah... or she knew you were the most girly-looking guy around and took advantage of that." A guy named Robbie looked at me and continued, "She came out of the closet not long after that."

A brown leather jacket, Polo shirt, and designer jeans couldn't disguise Robbie's impossibly thin frame, but he wore the clothes well. He had light red hair and pale skin. When I looked at him, I kept thinking of Ron in the Harry Potter books. From the way he and Blake interacted, I assumed he was Blake's closest friend.

After a bit more laughter and ribbing of Brandon, Blake told everyone to get lost.

"Sorry about that," Blake said when we were finally alone again.

"No, it's fine. They were funny. I liked your brother," I assured him.

It wasn't fine. Not really. All these smoldering looks between us were about to turn me into a boiling puddle, and I wanted to be alone with him when that happened.

He leaned into me and rubbed his nose against my neck before nipping lightly at my ear. "Not too much right?"

_Oh my god!_ My heart pounded in my chest and every girl part of my body screamed for more attention. I wanted more of him, and as I turned my head so my lips were only a few centimeters from his, the look in his eyes darkened with similar need. I licked my lips, fully prepared to kiss him and a small moan mixed with a slight growl came out of his mouth.

Too soon, the host of the night stepped up to the microphone and introduced the first act. We stared at each other a moment longer, heat permeating the short distance between us, before we reluctantly broke eye contact and focused our attention on the performances.

The acts were as varied as the patrons. We enjoyed a homemade cartoon about a dog and a cat who went on adventures together, we laughed at a stand-up comedian, and I was moved by the words of a young poet.

Halfway through, I understood why Blake went to those talent shows. It was really nice to see other students expressing who they were through their art and not being afraid to do it. The fourth act was a male singer in drag. I was a little nervous for him, and a sense of protectiveness started in my gut. He stood up there with so much confidence and I smiled even before he started belting out the lyrics to Defying Gravity from "Wicked." He was incredible, and I was lost in his voice until I heard someone behind me heckling.

"Look at this fag. Hey faggot, get off the stage, and go suck some dick somewhere else!"

Blake and I both turned around and glared at a blond guy in his late twenties snickering with his friends.  My blood boiled and my face heated with anger. Quicker than Blake, I was up and out of our booth, whirling on the loathsome man.

"Those people shouldn't be allowed in public; it's fucking disgusting. They should all be put down," the man snapped. He never saw me coming. I shoved him back and yelled in his face.

"Shut the fuck up before I smash your jaw shut and you can't ever talk again."

He laughed at me, probably figuring that a tiny thing like me couldn't do much damage. Big mistake. I threw my arm back and punched him as hard as I could, right in his ugly, disgusting mouth. Blood spurted onto his shirt and my hand throbbed, but I still pulled back for another punch. Before I could make contact with his face, a hand grabbed me.

Blake held me back as I yelled at the guy. "How dare you criticize someone for being who they are! People like _you_ are the ones who are revolting." The man made a move toward me, and Blake pulled me behind him.

"I would stop right there," Blake said, voice low and menacing. "If you put one finger on my girl, you will not walk out of here with only a busted lip. That's a fucking promise. I suggest you leave before I get the manager, who happens to be a family friend, and make sure that you never set foot in here again."

 I didn't even have time to relish in the warmth of hearing Blake call me his girl, because things got too intense.

"You think I'm scared of you or your ugly Mexican girl?" the man hissed in Blake's face. Blake cut him off when his fist connected with the man's jaw.

_Mexican? Really?_ Blake stepped up to the guy, towering over him in dominance and height.

"I think you're scared of going back to jail for violating your parole, Eddie," Blake said in a scary soft tone.

I was still livid, and I kind of hoped Blake would kick his ass some more. If Seth was here, he wouldn't have stopped until the guy was unconscious.

The man huffed, but the threat of having the police involved must have scared him, because with one last lingering glare at me, he and his friends left the bar. The singer finished his song, none the wiser, and the crowd applauded his performance. Blake turned around and looked at me, his dark brown eyes flashing between anger and heat before he grabbed my hand and led me to the back entrance. 

# Chapter 5

### PAST—JUNIOR YEAR

When we got outside, Blake grabbed me and backed me up against the wall, caging me with a hand on either side of my head. He was breathing heavily, and for a moment neither of us said anything. Our breaths combined as if they weren't coming from either of us-- as if we were one breathing being. He moved his hand to my face, traced down my cheek, and cupped my jaw.

"That was so stupid and reckless," he said, anger and awe mixing in his tone.

He moved his fingers to softly trace my lips, and rested his other hand at the small of my back. His fingers grazed over the skin between my shirt and shorts, raising goose bumps all along my skin. It felt like I had been shocked and then reawakened with raw passion. With a gentle tug, he pulled my hips right into his.

"It was also the sexiest fucking thing I have ever seen."

He crushed his lips against mine, and I moaned at the ferocity of the moment. I moved my arms to wrap around his neck and pressed my chest to his so we were as close together as we could be. My bottom lip was trapped between his. The light touch of his tongue hinted at more.

He grabbed the back of my head and put his other hand on the wall so he could grind his hips even harder against mine. I could feel how much he wanted me, and desire flooded me. With every lick of his tongue against mine, I could picture that same pressure against other parts of my body.

I moved my hands to rub his arms and his muscles tightened underneath my touch. _Please, touch me more._ My heart thudded and I arched my back, desperate. Blake moved the hand that had been in my long hair down my neck, and touched the cleavage that was spilling from the top of my shirt. He ran his hand down my ribs and then went under my blue top, to touch my bare skin.

His hand, splayed against my stomach, made the heat that was building inside of me turn into a wildfire. I let out a loud moan, but I was too distracted by his lips to be embarrassed. He pushed me harder against the wall and started trailing kisses and licks down the side of my neck.

When the bricks scraped against the skin of my back, I was brought back to reality by the agonizing torment that would follow me around like a grim reaper looking for death.

_With a hand around my throat, stopping my screams, he pushed my dress up to my neck._

_"You make a noise, and I won't let you get out of this alive. No one is coming for you, sweetheart," he growled. He shoved me back against the brick wall. My bare skin scraped against the brick and blood trickled down my raw skin._

I gasped and pulled away from Blake. His brows knit in confusion, but once he got a look at my panic-stricken face, he backed away from me.

 "We... I... no more." I couldn't catch my breath and fought to calm the intense emotions that consumed me. I was rocking back and forth when I felt Blake slide down next to me. I don't know how he knew, but he didn't touch me and I was grateful. His presence was enough. There were no tears. There hadn't been any tears since that night.

After a few minutes, I calmed down enough to sit back against the wall. Blake's knees were pulled up to his chest and he rested his head in his hands. He looked up at me, and the regret almost broke my heart.

"I'm s-," he began.

"I'm so sor-" I said at the same time. "Blake, there's a lot you still don't know about me. I'm sorry I freaked out." I looked back over at him, and he sat up straighter and creased his brows together.

"Don't ever say you're sorry for wanting to stop or for needing a freak out moment. I will never force you to do something you don't want to."

I nodded, and felt a little better hearing his words. I wasn't ready to delve into the reasons behind my change in mood. It was enough to know that he understood, and wasn't going to press me for anything more than I was willing to give him.

To my relief, he let what happened go, and changed the subject. "So, I'm pretty sure you shocked the hell out of that guy earlier. You were lightning fast. I was getting up to go tell him to shut up or leave, but you sprang out of your seat like you were on fire," he said with a light laugh to his tone.

I shook my head. "Yeah. I couldn't stand what he was saying. I hate when people try to take down someone's character and self-worth simply because they live their life differently." It was more than just morality, it was personal.

"Robbie's been my best friend since grade school, and he told me he was gay a few years ago. So, I take offense when people say things like that. I've seen too many people pick on him and try to bring him down."

It felt good knowing he would stick up for the people he cared about.

"My parents are gay. Like, I have two dads."

He raised his eyebrows at the new information I offered, and leaned back against the wall to get comfortable.

"My dads asked a friend to surrogate for them. She found out she had a tumor while she was pregnant and died not long after I was born, but it made her happy that she could make her life worth something by giving my dads a child.  When we moved into the neighborhood they live in now, I got picked on a lot for having two dads. The neighbors acted nice, but I always heard them talking about how disgusting our family was. Having two dads is all I've known, so it never made sense to me why people were so mean.

"I started picking fights with all the kids who said something mean about my parents. I used to get into so much trouble for it, but I only knew that my parents loved me. I didn't understand that other people saw our lives as _wrong_."

Blake grinned at me and that encouraged me to keep talking.   "My dads are great. They always joke that they don't know which one of them is my biological father. But seriously. Dad is extremely white and huge, and Daddy has darker skin because he's Filipino and is short and tiny. I obviously got my skin tone and hair from Daddy, but they always act like they have no idea which one of them actually fathered me."

Blake laughed with me and then looked me in the eyes. It felt like he could see through all the bullshit, and see who I really was, even if I didn't know myself.

"So, what about your eyes? You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen."

"Okay. So get this, Dad's eyes are the exact same as mine. Dark blue. Obviously I'm part Filipino, right? How do you explain that? I've been alive for twenty years, and they still argue about which one of them is my bio dad. I'm starting to think it's not a joke."

I dissolved into laughter so consuming, I started to get tears in my eyes. Blake laughed with me, and it felt good to release the worry and tension of the past hour. I'd run the gamut of emotions: anger, passion, fear, relief, and happiness. All in the past hour. Maybe my story wasn't that funny, but my frazzled emotions made me think it was the funniest thing ever.

Our laughter eventually eased and I leaned my head against his shoulder, my hand on his knee, his arm around me.  Blake's thumb caressed my shoulder, bringing back all of the sensual feelings from earlier. Every nerve in my body focused on where he was touching me. We stayed like that for a few minutes before Blake suggested we get up and head back home.

I was dusting off my legs and shorts when the back door opened to reveal the singer, Ms. Jonathon Higgins, looking for a smoke break. He smiled when he saw us. "Did you see me go up? It was so much fun!"

"Yes, we loved your performance." I said with a smile. Blake squeezed my hand affectionately. Jonathon grabbed something out of his bag and held out his hands to us. Two large T-shirts that had the bar's name, Lantern, and his signature on it.

"In case I'm famous one day. You can say you saw me first."

We thanked him and walked hand in hand to Blake's car. We didn't break contact on the way back to the dorms. His hand rested on my knee and I covered it with mine. We were comfortable with each other. Relaxed. I didn't think I'd ever be able to feel this way again. Not after I'd been ruined. But somehow, Blake managed to allay those fears and make me feel normal.

When we pulled up to the dormitories, I had to ask him the question that had been bugging me all week.

"Why did you kiss that girl at the party after you were done talking to me?" I turned in my seat and faced him. "I'm not trying to sound immature, but I thought we were hitting it off and then you stopped talking to me and did that to that girl." Blake touched my cheek, rubbing it before he answered.

"To tell you the truth, I haven't ever really dated one girl before. I've never felt like there was a point trying to pretend that I would stay faithful to one girl when I'm not even twenty-two years old yet. So, when I saw you with your friend, it hit me that for once there was a girl who seemed to change my whole theory and outlook on dating, but she was already taken. Anyway, I thought about hooking up with that girl to try to numb the confusion I felt after seeing the way you were with Seth."

"What do you mean _the way I was with Seth_?"

"Just how comfortable you were together. There was... I don't know. It was like an intense connection. He looked so concerned and protective of you. I couldn't help but think that _I_ wanted to be the one who comforted you. To worry about you. To be the one you could look at like that," he said, turning to look out the window. He shook his head slightly as if he didn't understand what he was saying or why he was saying it.

He was so honest in his response and I was so taken with what he said that I couldn't stop my body from gravitating toward his and turning his face to me so I could kiss him. I licked his bottom lip before he opened his mouth to me and allowed me access. It was a soft, sweet kiss, and it was perfect after everything that had happened that night.

We broke off the kiss before it got too heated and he walked me up to my door. Blake pulled me into his embrace.

"At the risk of sounding cliché, I wanted you to know that I had a great time tonight."

"I don't think there was anything cliché about our night together." I stood on my tiptoes, gave him a small kiss, and added, "And I had a great time, too."

I turned to open my door as he walked backwards, staring at me. He smirked and hollered down the hall, "Get used to this, Jo, I'm not gonna let you go!"

# Chapter 6

### PRESENT—SUNDAY

I remember when I was ten years old, I witnessed my dads fight. I never saw them bicker too much, so this argument has stuck with me. I was sitting at the table doing my homework, and their conversation was growing steadily louder. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but they talked so loudly, I didn't really have a choice.

"I shouldn't have to explain why I changed my mind!" Daddy yelled.

"Will, this isn't something I've ever wanted for you. It's _my_ job to take care of you and Josie. You've never had a problem staying home until now! So yes, I want a damn explanation as to why you changed your mind! Am I not doing a good enough job?" Dad has a deep voice, and when he raises it, everyone listens to what he has to say.

"This has nothing to do with you! You can't shelter me from negativity, Tony. This is an opportunity that could make me happy. Why don't you see that?"

"Because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough! It just so happens that you get an offer right when the business is struggling?" Dad owned his own mechanic shop here in town, so I assumed that was what he was referring to.

"It really _is_ just a coincidence. Of course you're good enough." Daddy's voice softened.

"I need some time alone. I can't deal with this right now," Dad said.

The front door opened and shut, and Dad's car peeled out of the driveway.  I went back to my homework and tried not to worry about the fight. Daddy walked into the kitchen half an hour later and started to get things out of the fridge to make dinner. I leaned against the counter and watched him struggle to get something out of the cabinet. He was a short, skinny man with a keen fashion sense and had tied an apron over his dark blue shirt.

"Daddy, are you and Dad okay?" I asked. He turned around to look at me, his brown, almond-shaped eyes slightly red from crying and his usually tidy, dark brown hair disheveled. He gave me a small smile and came over to sit with me.

"Of course we're okay, Josie. Every once in a while, parents can get really stubborn, and yell at each other."

"Why would you want to yell?"

"Well baby, sometimes it's a good way to get your feelings out. You should always let your feelings out. Don't be afraid to tell the person you love exactly how you feel or else you will feel all alone."

"But what if they don't like the way you feel. Like, if it was really bad, why tell them?"

"You should always be honest with the one you love. Sometimes what you have to say might change things, but nothing gets solved unless you lay it all out on the table. At that point, you have to be willing to give it all up." I didn't really understand what he meant, but I smiled at him anyway.

My dad walked in not too long after that and he went straight to Daddy. Dad was a big man, about 6'3" with milky white skin, and a muscular build. He had a bald head and a full beard, and intimidated people when he first met them. Deep down though, he was more like a big teddy bear.

"You can do whatever makes you happy, Will."

"I love you, it's just time for me to go out and do something."

Dad nodded, wrapped Daddy into his arms, and kissed him passionately. Of course watching my parents kiss was gross, so I told them to stop before I puked all over the place.

***

I'm sitting in the same kitchen where that memory took place, in the same chair I did my homework in each day after school. The love they shared was always so evident in my everyday life. They showed me all the time what it meant to be loved, and yet, I must not have learned much since I still pushed away the ones who loved me.

Blake walks in, sees my dad standing in the doorway and looks at me with sympathy in his eyes. He doesn't even ask, he takes Dad's arm and helps him walk upstairs. So, I sit here listening to the sounds of murmuring coming from the upstairs bedroom, and I can't help but wonder how Daddy would have handled this situation if the tables were turned.

Why did Blake have to show up? Why did he have to come here and make an already terrible situation worse by looking at me the way he does? I'm doing better, _finally_ , and now all of the emotions that I abandoned a year ago are starting to pour back into my heart.

The negative dominating the positive.

Brooke and Brandon walk in the door next. Brooke's hair is long and even more blonde than it was when I first met her. She is still as beautiful, probably even more so now than she was four years ago. She's still quirky and says silly things, but she made it through school and is now a kindergarten teacher.

When she and Brandon got engaged a couple of months ago, I knew there was a chance I would have to see Blake again. You don't get to be the maid of honor for your best friend and not see the family she's going to marry. Now I'm reaping the effects of them being together.

She comes and kneels down next to me and embraces me. She holds me, and it's exactly what I need. I don't know how long we stay like that, but I start to move out of her embrace as she whispers to me, "Is he here?"

I nod, knowing exactly who she is referring to.

"I'm so sorry, Josie. Brandon let it slip that you weren't doing too well. Blake freaked out and kept badgering Brandon to tell him what happened."

"Why does he care?" I ask. Brooke sighs and shakes her head.

"You know why, Josie. He may have lied to you the whole time, but he always loved you."

I won't accept that, and walk to the window that overlooks our backyard. We have a tree out there that has always been a sentimental reminder of my childhood. Seth and I used to play chicken on the branches, and whoever would fall off first would lose. I fell too hard right on my arm one day, breaking it. Seth came into the hospital room with a balloon that said "Congratulations" instead of "Get Well Soon" because he said I won. I still think he made that up so I would feel better, but I accepted the win anyway.

One time, my parents hid a present in the tree. I had to climb to the top of it before I found what I thought was the lamest gift ever. It was a picture of the three of us laughing while at a dinner at Seth's house. I jumped down from the tree and told them that this was the worst present they'd ever given me, even though I did like the picture. They laughed and told me to look on the back, where there was an envelope full of money for my first car.

Daddy pulled me aside and said, "Don't forget about me and your Dad when you're driving all over the place. You'll always be our baby girl."

I smile at the memories, but sadness washes over me again as I realize that's all I'll have left of Daddy. Only memories. I hear murmuring behind me, and I try my hardest to ignore the deep voice that belongs to the man I once loved. A man who betrayed me. A man I then turned around and betrayed.

I'm as guilty as he is, but for reasons that were only known to one person. He ended up taking that secret to his grave. Blake betrayed me first, and even though I wasn't looking for revenge, only trying to save myself, there are those that wouldn't see it that way.

But Blake doesn't know. And he won't ever know.

He comes up behind me and I give him the coldest look I have. For his part, he looks like he wants to kiss me.

"Why are you here, Blake?"

"I told you, Jo, I needed to make sure you were okay. I mean, I know you're not okay, but I needed to be here to see for myself that you're _going to be_ okay," he says.

I throw my arms up in frustration. "You can't fix me, Blake. You couldn't fix my issues then and you can't fix the extra broken pieces that were left from my already wounded and shattered heart now." I say this with as much conviction as I have the energy for, but I know that the crack in my voice gives away just how _not_ okay I am. He flinches, but I think it only makes him more determined to help.

He moves closer to me. "I've never wanted to fix you, Josie. I love each part of you. I love your strength and your ability to remain strong even when you're hurting. I love how you get more beautiful every time I see you." He reaches out and touches my face, but I pull away just as quickly. My flinch doesn't deter him. "I love you as much today as I did a year ago, Josie, and I won't stop. I can't stop. You have every right to hate me, but I told you once that I wouldn't let you go, and I meant it. I'm not going to give up."

"You should." I whisper. "I can't do this right now, Blake. I just buried my father today, so the last thing I want to talk about is your idiotic notion that you could ever get me back." I walk away from him and return to the kitchen, looking over all of the cards, flowers, and dishes I have to sort through.  The back sliding door opens and closes, but I ignore the noise and the sharp pain that strikes my chest as Blake leaves. Brooke comes in the room to help me sort through the dishes.

"What about this one? It's from Mr. and Mrs. William Boom," she says and holds out the dish and sympathy card.

"Oh, hell no," I say and take it out of her hands. "One day, they were taking a walk with their son who was in the same grade as me, and they saw me and Seth playing in the front yard. They yanked their son away from us, and guess what they said to him? They told him that Jesus will send us to hell, and that he shouldn't be near people like that!" I set their dish in a pile to be thrown away.

"Oh, sweet baby Santa. It's not a freaking disease. They probably poisoned this casserole," she says. She pauses and looks thoughtful before speaking again. "How is Seth, by the way? Have you talked to him?"

I sigh long and slow. The ache in my chest intensifies. I knew that this would come up eventually.  I don't want to have to explain what happened, so I simply shake my head no and try to focus her attention on the next set of dishes. I should've known better because she starts to reprimand me.

"Josie! You haven't told your best friend that one of your dads died? Don't you think he deserves to know? I mean, your dads are just as much parents to him as George and Gayle!" She isn't telling me anything I don't already know, so I turn to her and let out a huff.

"You know we don't really talk anymore. The most information I get about him is when I see his work in magazines and online or when I talk to Gayle. It's probably been three months since I last got an e-mail from him. We just aren't where we used to be, and I've accepted that."

In reality, it still breaks my heart. In a lot of ways-- okay in _all_ ways--losing him has been harder than losing Blake. I'm alone. Daddy is gone, Dad is a shell of his former self, the guy I fell in love with lied to me for years, Brooke is engaged and starting her own family an hour away, and my best friend, someone who I will always love more than anyone, hasn't been my best friend for almost two years.

Just the thought of him makes tears sting my eyes. I have never wanted, _needed,_ anyone in my life more than him, and the reminder that he isn't here, kills me. Again. Brooke starts to respond, when we notice Blake standing in the doorway.

"You don't talk to Seth anymore?" he asks, moving to sit down at the table. I know the reason for his curiosity, but I sure as hell am not getting into Seth and my relationship with Blake.

I don't want to admit that I hurt Seth so much, and we haven't recovered from it. I didn't even tell Seth about what happened with Blake and me. All he knows is that we broke up.

"Nope," I say and pop the "p" at the end of the word. I hope that makes it clear that this is the end of the conversation. Blake nods his head, but I know that he'll bring up the subject again later if given the chance. He and Seth never liked each other, so Blake probably loves knowing I still haven't worked things out with Seth. Brooke and I work through the rest of the dishes, and we end up only keeping four out of the ten casseroles and sympathy cards.

I go outside and leave Brooke and Blake in the kitchen. Before I can toss the first casserole in the garbage bin, Blake slides it out of my hands and throws it on the ground.

"What the hell, Blake?"

"Go ahead, throw one. Break their glass dishes; put all of the anger that you've always held toward them and toward life in general, and throw it at the ground. I'll clean it up Jo, just get your anger out before you start punching everyone again." He smirks and hands me the next glass dish.

I'm hesitant as I take the dish, but let it drop from my hands anyway. It doesn't break, so Blake tells me to try again. This time, I throw it at the ground. _Fuck you Mr. and Mrs. William Boom, for being judgmental assholes!_ That actually felt pretty freaking good.

I take another one and throw it further away. It shatters to pieces on the ground. _Fuck you Michael Kasey for taking away my innocence!_ The next one, I throw against the tree. _Fuck you Seth Montgomery for making me fall in love with you and then leaving me when I was trying to move on from you!_ The next one gets me to let out a yell. _Fuck you Blake Porter for shattering my heart and hopes for a normal future!_ The last one I throw and yell as loud as I can. _And fuck_ you _drunk driver who took my daddy away from me too early!_

It's exhilarating, being able to let out my frustrations freely. I've been hiding behind the problems that needed to be fixed immediately and I haven't really given myself time to grieve. I let my breathing return to normal and sit down on the back porch steps, releasing a sigh.

"Thanks," I whisper. Blake, quietly watching me fall apart, comes over and sits next to me on the porch with his hand right next to mine. I can't help but wish things were different. I wish I could let him comfort me the way he used to. His pinky finger grazes mine and I hope he might push the boundaries. He doesn't.

"I can get out of work for the next week. I was hoping maybe you and I could talk or just hang out." He speaks softly, uncertain about how I will respond. His hopeful expression reminds me of the college boy I met four years ago. He isn't though, and I need to remember that. I look away, not wanting to get sucked into that look.

"Blake, I... fuck, I don't know. It's not fair for you to come here and make me feel like we could be around each other and be okay. You and I both know we can't be okay. Too much is wrong with our relationship," I say, balling my hands into fists.

He straightens, determination in the set of his jaw. "One week, Jo. Then you can decide if we can't try to make this work. You can decide if we were meant to be nothing but a memory."

He looks at me, and before I know what's happening, he leans over me and places both hands on either side of my hips. Persistence, hurt, and loneliness swim in his eyes. The same hurt I've been feeling, but for different reasons.

He lowers his voice. "We're not over, Jo. I've tried for a year to let you go, and I can't do it. No matter how many times you need to run, no matter how much shit gets in our way, I will always keep trying. That's a fucking promise, Josie." He lightly touches his lips to mine, and I suck in a sharp breath. My heart races and I can't catch my breath, affected by him in ways I thought were long gone.

"See how you react to me? Imagine what I can do to you when I kiss every inch of your body."

I shiver at the thought and suck my bottom lip between my teeth to stop from moaning. I _can_ imagine. I remember _exactly_ how mind-blowing it was with him, and I can imagine those same lips traveling down...

He growls lightly before he kisses the side of my neck and trails his tongue back to my ear. Nibbles travel along my earlobe, my weak spot, making me shiver with anticipation and need. "Don't do that, love, if you don't want me to take you right here." I do moan this time.

Before he can make good on his promise, the back door slides open. Blake jerks away from me. Through the fog he's put me under, I'm barely aware of him heading into the house and Brooke calling my name. Frustrated with my actions, especially on a day like today, I put my head in my hands and groan.

# Chapter 7

### PRESENT—SUNDAY

"What the hell happened out here? Looks like an elephant threw up in your backyard," Brooke says, sitting next to me.

I laugh, grateful she chose to focus on the mess we made and not how I was about to let Blake fuck me on the back porch.

"I needed to let out some anger, so Blake suggested I break some of the dishes. Or all of them. Surprisingly, it worked." I shrug.

"You seem to be doing a little better." We sit in silence for a few minutes. Eventually, she sighs and looks at me. "I've got to tell you something, Josie. And please don't be mad at me for telling you today—I was going to tell you sooner, but with everything that happened with your dad, I just didn't think you would be in the mood."

"What's up, Brooke?"

She sends me a small smile, biting her bottom lip. "Well... Brandon and I are going to have a baby!" She shrieks a little as she says it, the glowing smile on her face radiating with happiness.

A pang hits my stomach, but I'm happy for her, so I shove down my insecurities and guilt and force a smile.

"Oh wow, Brooke! I'm so happy for you! How far along are you? When did you find out? Are you guys excited? Have you told his mom and your parents yet?"

She laughs at my rapid fire questions, but answers them in kind. "We're only about 9 weeks along, we found out about three weeks ago, we're beyond excited, and no, we haven't told anyone but you so far. I've been so sick lately, I was sure I would give it away."

I lean over and hug her as hard as I can. I feel bad I haven't noticed that she's been sick.

"Thank you for telling me today. I really needed that," I whisper.

We sit out there and talk for a long time. We talk about my daddy, her being a mom, and pregnancy. Through the details of her first trimester, my stomach feels hollow, empty with an indescribable ache. Maybe sensing my discomfort, Brooke changes the subject to our students, and my college courses for my guidance counseling degree. We talk about the wedding and how the pregnancy is going to delay it for a little while. Eventually the bugs start to bite at us, so we go back in the house.

The boys sit on the couch talking heatedly, Brandon seeming to be upset at Blake about something. They stop as soon as we walk into the room, and Brandon gets a huge grin on his face when he sees his fiancé. He gets up and twirls Brooke around before kissing her zealously.

I smile, but look away from their intimate moment and catch Blake staring at me. He nods his head in the direction of the kitchen, and gets up to go in there. I follow him. I don't know why I follow, but I do. My body is a traitor. My mind is telling me there's no point in letting him back in, but my body, the part that's been lonely without any affection, won't listen.

The kitchen is clean now, and I try to hide my smile. Whatever else Blake is, or was, the sweet gesture is certainly reminiscent of the Blake I first fell in love with.

Blake leans up against the counter. He looks different. Older. More mature. But it's not merely physical. It's in the way he moves, the way he looks at me. There's no uncertainty in his tone. "I want to see you tomorrow. I thought maybe the four of us could head out for lunch. Brooke and Brandon are staying at the same hotel I am, so it would be pretty easy to meet up."

I haven't stopped staring. His body is more defined and toned, probably from working on the houses he's been building. He still has the light stubble on his face that I've always loved, never needing to shave because the dark shadow enhanced his masculinity. His jaw line is still hard and angular, and his lips are still full and serious. His dark brown hair that used to be cropped to his head, has grown out enough for me to really be able to run my fingers through it.

It's the creases next to his eyes that show a difference. He's a little more worn now. A shadow of sadness clouds him. While I've been wishing the worst on him since that terrible day, it still makes me sad to see how much has changed.

He raises an eyebrow when I look back into his eyes, clearly enjoying the fact that I've been checking him out for the past few minutes. A cocky smirk plays on his lips.

I'm not sure what to do about seeing him this week. I vacillate between hating him and saying no, and succumbing to the comfort and passion that he inspires in me and saying yes. He focuses his attention on my mouth, eyes dark with desire. _Shit. Is it hot in here?_

"Okay, Blake," I say with a sigh, finally answering his question. "But no more of this sexy stuff you keep pulling on me. I need a clear head, so stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"You know like what. Like you could eat me alive." It slips out of my mouth before I can stop myself. He grins at me and I can practically see his mind imagining that very thing.

"But I could." He moves closer, and I feel his desire in the darkened depths of his eyes. "I can't think of anything better than getting a chance to eat you again, Josie."

I close my eyes and groan.

_No. No. No. No. No._

Sure he's sexy. Sure, his words make all my girly bits clench in anticipation. But I _hate_ him. I have to hate him!  Four hours ago I couldn't stand the thought of seeing his face, and now I'm picturing him doing _very_ naughty things to me.

I must have been lonelier this past year than I realized. Maybe some companionship wouldn't be so bad? Maybe I can learn to forgive him?

But even if I could manage that, he'd never forgive me.

He chuckles and backs off. "Okay Jo, I'll see you tomorrow at two. I set up an appointment for you and Brooke to go to the spa before lunch, so Brandon and I will pick you up after you're finished."

The audacity. Of course he knew I'd say yes to him, but that doesn't stop my eye roll. Apparently I'm _that_ predictable. It's a reminder of why we didn't work—his need to control everything. His constant planning and being sweet. I preferred spontaneity and I even enjoyed a good fight.

But it'd be nice to relax and spend some time with Brooke, so I don't argue. "I'm going upstairs to check on Dad. You can let yourself out."

I take one last look at him and say goodbye to Brooke and Brandon. I find Dad snoring in the chaise by the window, a picture of Daddy lying next to him. I kiss him on his forehead and grab a blanket to cover him up for the night. My parents were great together and I ache knowing I'll never see them that way again.

Needing to be alone but not ready to sleep, I head for the shower. The heat and pressure of the water feel good against my skin. I don't have to pretend to be okay in here. I haven't cried since the night I found out. The image of my Dad collapsing to the ground when he got the phone call and the doctor's monotone voice when he told us Daddy died instantly in the car wreck, fill me with a sorrow—something I'm sick of experiencing in my life. I fall to my knees, way too overwhelmed.

I let the water run down my back in sync with the tears that stream down my face. I rock back and forth, but nothing helps. The water turns to ice, but I'm drowning and can't move. I'm shivering-- unable to draw even a single calm breath. I can't move-- I'm anchored to the shower floor.

The curtain pulls back and I say a quick prayer that it's Brooke and not Dad who finds me. The icy onslaught ends as the shower is turned off and the sweet, melodic, deep voice that I thought I never wanted to hear again, fills my ears. He's not the one I want most, but he's the one who's here. Maybe that should count for something.

"Oh, Josie. Baby, I'm going to pick you up and take you to your room." Blake wraps me in a towel and carries me down the hall. He keeps whispering that everything's going to be okay. But how can it be okay? I lost both my dads today. I lost my best friend in a hopeless attempt to have something normal with a man I thought I loved and still lost, all in a year's span.

I feel all alone. That's not okay.

Blake lays me on my bed and pulls the covers over my shaking body. The bed shifts and he scoots closer to me, wrapping me in his arms and rocking me. I feel his hands in my hair, continuously brushing it back. The movement and his touch help stop the tears and the panic attack.

We stay locked in each other's arms, holding on tight, until I'm about to fall asleep.

He shifts me out of his hold, kisses me on the head and whispers, "I love you, Josie."

I know he's about to leave me, and in my greediness, I refuse to let him go. "Please stay," I whisper into the darkness.

"What?" he asks, uncertain he's heard me correctly

"Stay with me, Blake. I need to feel loved, just for tonight. Please." I feel braver asking him in the dark, but I can't help but feel a twinge of embarrassment that I admitted that to him. It's reminiscent of what happened with Seth... something I would regret for the rest of my life.

I ignore my conscious and shake my head. I've got to stop thinking of him.  Blake gets back on the bed and cups my cheek in his hand.

"I will always love you, Josie. I will spend the rest of my life making up for what I did to you." He caresses my cheek, and wraps me into his arms. I curl into him, reveling in the feel of his affection.

"I'm a horrible person, Blake," I whisper.

He doesn't know why I say this, but he denies it anyway. "No. Never, baby. You could never be a horrible person. There's nothing you could do that could ever make me not love you." He says it with so much conviction that I want to cry again. He rubs my back as we lay there together, lost in thought.

Daddy told me to always be honest with the ones you love, even if it means being prepared to lose them. I think I finally understand what he means, but my selfishness still overpowers my desire to come clean.

Blake _hurt_ me. No amount of apologies and whispered _I love yous_ will change the fact that he doesn't deserve my honest.

# Chapter 8

### PAST—JUNIOR YEAR

I was standing in front of my mirror, fiddling with my dress and hair on the night of my twenty-first birthday. It was a milestone in my life and my relationship with Blake.

Seven months had gone by since Blake and I went on our first date together.

Every day filled me with a new reason to fall for him. We'd become inseparable. I opened myself up to him, allowing a comradery to form that slowly evolved into desire. Most importantly, I let myself fall for him.

He was there for me in a time I didn't think I could get over my love for my best friend, and he made me forget.  There was something about Blake from the very start. The easygoing relationship we had, made it easy to trust him with my heart.

When I walked into my dorm room after our first date, Brooke begged for details. Seth sat sullenly on my bed, appearing not to listen. He pulled me aside before he left to make sure I was okay, that I didn't have a panic attack on the date, something common for me ever since I was assaulted. Seth was the only one who brought me comfort in those moments of weakness.

I couldn't tell him -- couldn't give him another reason to worry. So I shoved my hands behind my back and lied to him.

"You sure this is what you want, Pussycat?" He looked sad. "To date some guy you don't even know?"

"I mean, I'm not saying I'm in a committed relationship with him after one date, Seth. I just met him. I have no idea if it's going to work out. He's not just some guy, though. He's different," I explained. Frustration and annoyance at his overprotectiveness made me continue. "Obviously I'd like to try to have something real with someone and not have to force my best friend to have sex with me anymore.  I'll be careful, Seth, don't worry about me."

Anger radiated from him, his blue eyes turned to metal and his body tensed. His mouth opened, then shut, and he shook his head, turning to leave.

"Hey! Where you going?" I called down the hall. He looked back, ire storming in his eyes.

"Going to go try to have something real with some other girls, Josie. Don't worry, I won't bug you about it anymore."

I often hid behind my anger about what he did to me and made nasty comments about him with other women. But he never knew the truth of how I felt.

On that night, I didn't understand that I'd hurt his feelings. Not until much later. What we did together, the sex we'd had, it couldn't be what he wanted. It sure as hell wasn't like the sex he had with the girls he was actually attracted to.

Sex with me was an exception. One he forced himself to do out of guilt.

Seth and I could never stay mad at each other for long, and after a few days, things were relaxed between us again. I knew I had to give him a little time to get used to the fact that I was going to be dating someone. He was worried because he didn't want me to get hurt, and I understood that.

Blake and I dated casually for the first couple of months. When I say casually, I mean we weren't what everyone else would call "official." I focused on my school work and Seth always made it clear that I should keep an eye out for other guys, too.

But it didn't matter if I wasn't officially Blake's girlfriend, because he was the only person I felt I could have something good with. When I thought of who I was, I imagined a broken girl, tainted by the darkness of an assault. Blake was an outsider who treated me like I was more than a shattered shadow of who I used to be.

He made me laugh and made me feel sexy every time he touched me. While there were many, and I mean _many,_ steamy and intense moments between us, Blake and I still had not had sex or said "I love you". There were times I saw his frustration hidden in his eyes every time I stopped us from going further, but he never made me feel bad for waiting and never pushed me for something more-- probably a result of how I'd broken down on our first date.

The months passed quickly. In January we celebrated his birthday by going bowling-- I hated bowling. Not once, not twice, but three times I fell in the slippery lane. To say I wasn't coordinated is an understatement. But we belly laughed until our sides hurt and a blanket of peace fell over me.

I was falling for him like crazy, and nothing anyone did could change it. By the time my birthday came around in March, I knew we were at a pivotal point in our relationship. I didn't know how much more willpower I had, and had decided I was finally ready to give myself to him completely. And he knew it, too.

It was a Saturday night, and Blake gathered some friends for a birthday party he planned for me at Lantern. Apparently Blake really did know the owner and he bought out the place for the night. When I asked him how he was able to afford that, he explained that his mom's parents had set up a fund for all of the kids to help with their future. It also helped that him and his brothers were all part owners of his family's brewery. He told me he had invested his money so he would have enough to form his own business after graduation.

"I invested it well. I could've gone into business like my dad wanted." He smiled and kissed me before adding, "Anyway, I'd do anything for you, Jo."

So excited for my special night, I bought a sexy little dress that was sure to make Blake fall at my feet. Extremely short, it had a layer of black lace over emerald green silk. I gave it a tug. Maybe it was too short. Still, I looked good and I knew it.

The dress dipped low between my breasts, nearly to my navel, and I sent a little thanks for my small chest. The sleeves went to my elbows, and the back had a scoop that stopped right below my back dimples. I left my dark brown hair long, and straightened it. Brooke helped me put on my make-up, and when I finally looked in the mirror, I felt gorgeous.

Brooke looked equally amazing in her blue strapless dress. She was trying to get Brandon's attention—something she didn't even realize she already had. Brandon and Brooke were on-again-off-again, and if her dress was any indication, she wanted to be _on_ tonight.

When Blake and Seth knocked, Brooke let them in. Seth still hadn't warmed up to Blake, but tolerated him because of me. They were civil, but given the opportunity, Seth complained about my relationship with Blake.

He'd say that Blake and I lacked passion. That the fact that we never argued and that I let Blake take the lead meant I was losing myself as an individual. If he hadn't looked so forlorn when he talked about it, I would have told him he was being a dick.

I think there was a part of Seth that was scared he was losing me as his best friend. We had been inseparable for so long, and for the first time in our friendship, I was dating someone else. After a couple months, Seth started keeping his distance when Blake and I were together, making sure to avoid any intimate interactions at all costs. Ultimately, Seth wanted me to be happy and with time, he got better about his cynical remarks about my boyfriend.

Blake's eyes bugged out of his heads when he got a look at me in my outfit. I did a little twirl for them and posed when I faced them again. Seth's hand rubbed his mouth furiously as he looked down my body. Eventually he closed his eyes and turned away.

Blake finally shook himself out of his daze and walked over to me. I could see the lust coming to life in his eyes as he embraced me. He trailed a finger down my back, sending goose bumps racing over my skin.

"Should I be worried about letting you walk out that door in this dress?" he asked, low enough so no one else could hear. I looked over his shoulder at Seth and saw him shifting his weight back and forth and looking at everything but me. Seth was the only person Blake would _ever_ have worry about.

"Nope, nothing to worry about." I didn't know why Seth's lack of interest hurt my feelings. He'd never shown any interest in being more than friends.

Sometimes, I wish I would have told him how I felt when we ended things so I would've known for sure. Either way, the disinterest hurt. Hurt to my core. I couldn't believe that I let myself fall in love with someone who would never want me.

When we got to Seth's truck, he was about to help me climb into the cab but Blake was beside me, just as ready.

"I got this, man," Blake said, effectively moving Seth out of reach. Heat flooded my cheeks when I saw the stung look in Seth's eyes.

Blake was a good man, I figured he didn't intend for the act to come across as insulting, so I let it go. Blake helped me into the truck, and even went so far as to buckle my seat belt. Sure, I knew he was doing it so he could get a better look down my dress, but I didn't care. I saw Seth roll his eyes when I looked into the rearview mirror, but I giggled at Blake's silliness.

Blake sat next to me in the truck and kept his hand firmly on my thigh, gliding his fingers right where the hem of the dress met my bare skin. It somehow gave me chills while still setting my body on fire, and I suddenly regretted the choice of attire. That dress was going to torture _me_ more than it was going to torture _him_.

His hand worked its way up my leg and under my dress. It felt so good, I closed my eyes to focus on every sensation he sent coursing through my body. The further his hand rose, the more I wanted him. I was ready to give myself up to him right there in the car. As I opened my mouth to help me breathe, he reached the top of my thigh. I was about to moan, but he quickly leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. He slipped a finger inside of my panties and rubbed between my flesh until he reached my clit.

He moved his mouth to my ear and whispered in a husky voice "Don't make a sound. They'll hear you."

That was a hell of a lot easier to say than do. He worked me up the whole ride there. I kept my eyes closed, on the edge of an orgasm time and time again. Blake teased, but never gave me release.  When we pulled into the parking lot, he pulled his hand back out and I wanted to groan.

I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was Seth's hardened stare in the rearview mirror. _Is he angry? I guess I shouldn't have done that in his car._

I mouthed a _sorry_ to him, to which he rolled his eyes and got out of the truck. Blake grabbed my hand and led me inside.

I gasped when we walked inside, shocked at the transformation. There were green and silver balloons everywhere, and every table held a lit green candle. It felt... romantic and incredible at the same time. Blake even got a DJ set up in front of the stage, playing all my favorite pop songs.

There were a lot of people there to help us celebrate—people I didn't know who were friends with Blake and some that I did, who I had met through Seth and Brooke.

Best of all? It was a freaking open bar!

I turned to look at Brooke and we both grinned widely. She snatched me away from Blake and shrieked, both of us doing our own little happy dance.

"You want a drink baby?" Blake asked, coming up behind me and nibbling my ear. I grinned, nodding my head.

"Cranberry vodka please." It was my twenty first birthday, so for the first time, I could _legally_ order a drink with my real ID.

"Oh get me two shots of SoCo," Brooke said.

"All right, I'll be back in a minute," he said, walking away to get our drinks. Brooke saw Brandon, and pulled me over to him. Her enthusiasm around him was adorable. I knew she really liked him and I hoped he felt the same.

Seth put his arm around my shoulders. The contact was friendly, but the desire I felt was anything but. I was finally falling for another man, but three words from Seth, and I would have abandoned my growing relationship with Blake easily.

My chest hurt knowing it would never happen, and I berated myself for considering leaving a good relationship with Blake for something impossible with Seth. Blake was my boyfriend. I needed to focus on him.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked him. He raised his eyebrows, gave me a mischievous look, and shook his head.

"No, Jos, of course not. Why would I be?" He didn't need to ask the question. He knew the answer already. He just wanted me to say it out loud. I punched his arm, and he laughed at me. "He's your boyfriend, Pussycat. I don't blame the guy. If you were my girl--" he was cut off when Blake came up and put my drink in my hand.

_No, dammit._

Blake stood as close as he could to me, and eventually Seth let go, understanding that Blake wanted me all to himself. I snuggled into Blake's embrace, but was preoccupied with questions of what Seth would have done if I was his girl. Not his best friend, but his _girl._

"Well, I'm gonna go hit up that hot blonde over there. I'll see you later, Pussycat."

I refused to look at the girl he went to. It still hurt too much. Instead, I took a big drink out of my cup and immediately felt the warmth of the vodka running down my throat. My favorite part of drinking was the minute after you take a drink and feel the heat stirring in the pit of your stomach. I was determined to have a good night. No... a _fanfuckingtastic_ night.

I grabbed the top of Blake's black t-shirt and pulled his mouth to mine, kissing him vigorously before grabbing his hand.

"Thank you so much for doing this for me," I said, his kiss reminding me why I'd been falling for him for the past few months. It meant the world to me that he thought I was special enough to deserve a party like that.

"If you keep kissing me like that, Jo, then just consider me at your mercy," he said, voice low and husky. I was pretty freaking sure I could kiss him for an eternity if he let me.

I was finishing off my drink when Brooke and Brandon rejoined us. I raised my eyebrows at Brooke when I saw his hand on her ass, but she just shrugged.

"Since you're the birthday girl, I think we should introduce you to a little drinking game I like to call Sexual Shots," Brandon said. I stared at him, confused.

"Everyone gets two shots of tequila. You say the last person you did something sexual with, and after everyone has said who _and_ what they did, we go about our business for the night. If anyone brings up the subject again, they have to take another shot of tequila _and_ take off a piece of clothing. Every time after that, you double the number of shots and remove another piece of clothing."

I wasn't much of a drinker. This game could destroy me.

"What?! No way, I have like two pieces of clothing on, and so does Brooke!" I said loudly. Apparently, the cranberry vodka had already affected me, a clear sign of how much worse it could get. Blake leaned in and nibbled my ear.

"Mmmm, I like the sound of that," he whispered softly.

Brandon clutched his chest like he was going to have a heart attack and staggered back a few steps.

"You're both only wearing two things? Even better! Y'all will be naked within the hour!" Brooke and I look at each other and burst out laughing.  There was no way in hell I was going to get naked.

Seth came up to our group with a sexy tall blond in tow—a girl I knew was one of Brooke's friends. I tried my hardest not to look at her. I didn't understand why it bothered me, but seeing him with someone who was so dissimilar to me validated all the fears I had about what we did. He never would have slept with me if I wasn't his best friend.

"What's going on?" he asked when he saw us laughing.

"These preverted boys are trying to get us naked within the next hour," Brooke responded. I couldn't help dissolving into another fit of laughter. Oh yeah, that vodka was working.

"Perverted! Not preverted!" I was laughing so hard, I fell back into Blake. Brooke was right there with me, even though I was pretty sure she still had no idea she said perverted wrong. Blake wrapped his broad arms around me to keep me steady. Brandon went on to explain the rules to Seth and the other people who came into our circle, including Robbie and Dom.

"Well, I'm DD so I can't drink, but I don't mind stripping in place for Brooke and Josie," Seth said when Brandon finished explaining the rules. Everyone agreed that that was okay, and we began to go around the circle. We each, with the exception of Seth, took two shots of tequila. Ugh, it was so gross.

"My last sexual experience was with Kenny Lane at last night's party," said Brooke. "He fingered me on the dance floor!" Yep, I had to witness that exchange.

Brandon was next. "I fucked Ms. Jennings from the math department this morning before she left our house." Everyone stayed silent for a minute, not really sure what to think of that piece of information, before we all started cracking up.

Rob went next. "I got Tony Carr to give me head before he went to weight lifting practice yesterday." Needless to say, we were all shocked by that story. All our mouths dropped open and I could see the light in Brooke's eyes begging for more details. No one knew that the quarterback for the school football team was gay, and I'm pretty sure he didn't want it out there.

Somehow we all managed to go around the circle. Dom had sex a couple nights ago, a girl I didn't know said someone went down on her last week, another girl said she gave a guy a hand job in the back of the classroom the day before, and another guy said he had a threesome last weekend. It was Seth's turn, but the blonde he was standing with answered for him.

"Seth just gave me an orgasm like twenty minutes ago." She looked up at Seth and gave him what I assumed was supposed to be a flirtatious smile. "His mouth is amazing."

Even though everyone was being vulgar, it was worse coming out of her mouth. Seth's jaw clenched and he wouldn't look at me, despite my hard glare.

Then, it was Blake's turn, which also meant it was my turn. Blake looked at me and I could tell he was about to make something up to spare me some embarrassment, but I started talking before he could create a lie.

"Blake fingered me on the car ride over here," I said with a smirk directed right at my best friend.

I didn't understand the sympathetic glance Brandon gave Seth after my response, but it was forgotten when he held out his fist to Blake. Blake shoved Brandon back hard enough to make him stumble. I looked over at Seth who still wouldn't look at me, and noticed his jaw ticking in anger.

_One point for Josie_.

# Chapter 9

### PAST—JUNIOR YEAR

After everyone told their stories, the group dispersed. I decided to go get another drink, and told Blake I'd meet him back there in a minute. Seth sat next to me while I waited for the bartender to get my Corona. His jaw was still clenched, but he seemed more relaxed for the moment.

"You should probably slow down on the drinking, Jos. You know you can't handle that much of it."

"It's my birthday party, I'll drink as much as I want to," I replied, maybe a tad more haughtily than I should have.

"Yeah. Well, at the rate your boyfriend's going, I don't think he'll be able to take care of you if you get too drunk," he spat. I knew he was worried about my safety, but he had to lighten up. Blake only had those two tequila shots and he looked perfectly fine.

"Ahhh, but I've got _you_ , Sethy Poo!" I laughed at the rhyme and leaned my head against his shoulder. He relaxed and I sighed. "What were you going to say earlier? When you said _if I was your girl_?" I asked quietly. He brought his hand up and cupped my cheek, rubbing his thumb back and forth before he answered.

"I really don't think you want me to finish that sentence, Josie." He released a dejected breath and dropped his hand. I was sad at the loss of his touch, and I was mad that I still cared. I didn't want to hurt tonight, not on my birthday, so I didn't ask again.

"Did you really do that with that girl after just meeting her?" I asked, curiosity getting the best of me. He smirked, lifted his hoodie over his head and took it off.

"A shot of tequila for the lady," he said to the bartender. I rolled my eyes. He had seriously just told me to slow down. "Most women don't really need much time with me before they're begging for more." He grinned at me and my face heated. I understood because I had been one of those girls.

He touched my face again, right where I was getting red, and whispered, "God you're so beautiful, Josie." He coughed, and then he straightened up and added, "Too bad you're such a book nerd." He laughed, so I punched his arm.

His words stung, but when I looked over at Blake talking animatedly with his friends, I smiled.  Blake seemed to like me just the way I was, and that's all I wanted—someone who genuinely liked every part of me. I might not have been Seth's type, but I needed to get over that because Blake said I was perfect for him.

"You know, Seth, Blake's got a mouth that could put what you do with yours out of business," I said, quirking my eyebrow.

"All right, Pussycat, whatever you want to believe." He looked like he was about to say something else, but one of the guys hollered out his name. We turned and saw Robbie trying to get our attention.

"Brooke couldn't resist. You gotta take off something else. And bring a shot over," Robbie yelled from across the room. Robbie's bit of gossip was going to be the most popular. We walked back over to the group, laughing, and Seth ended up taking off a sock; needless to say, all the women were disappointed. Including me.

I took Blake's hand and dragged him to the dance floor, wrapping my arms around his neck. We swayed back and forth to the slow song that was playing, and then he asked me the question I hoped he never would.

"Have you and Seth ever been anything more than friends, Jo?" I pulled back to get a look at his face. He didn't look angry, just curious.

I kept my hands laced together extremely tight so I couldn't move them. I debated the pros and cons of telling him the truth about what happened between Seth and me. Realistically, I knew it would make things awkward and worse between the two people I cared about most in the world. Blake would grow resentful of my friendship with Seth and I never wanted to have to choose between the two of them. So I decided not to tell him. It was in the past, so there was no reason to ever bring it up again.

I crinkled my eyebrows to feign confusion. "Of course not. Why?"

He looked relieved by my answer and I instantly felt guilty for lying to him.

"He seems to touch you a lot, and the way he looks at you sometimes... doesn't scream _friend_ to me," he said with a shrug. He tried to brush it off, but I could tell it was something t he had been thinking about for a while. I sighed and pulled myself closer to him.

"No, he's my best friend. He's always been there for me, so we're really close."

"Yeah... I'm sorry for asking, but I needed to know." He pulled back from me, pushed some hair out of my face, and cupped my cheeks. "I have no intention of sharing you, Josie. If we're going to do this, then you need to be mine and only mine."

My breathing quickened, and I nodded my head in response. I wanted to be his. I wanted to finally be wanted by someone who genuinely cared about me. "I'm yours, completely," I whispered.

He leaned down and kissed me. At first it was sweet, but then with the change in music and alcohol taking effect, we started to get more passionate. Yes, we were officially one of _those_ couples—the ones who practically have sex on the dance floor. He ground his hips into mine and I savored the desire he clearly felt for me. Heat from our bodies and mouths created a whirlpool of fervor prickling my lower stomach.

I turned around and slid my back up and down the front of his gorgeous body. It was invigorating when I felt him grow harder against me. He put his hand on my stomach and pushed the hair from my neck.

He lightly traced his way from my shoulder to the back of my ear with his tongue. I whimpered and the sensations caused me to shiver and clench my thighs together. He growled when I ran my hand up his thigh, and sucked on the skin below my ear. I could barely stand and he tightened his grip. He moved the hand that wasn't holding me up to the bottom of my dress, and made a circle on the inside of my thigh.

"Blake," I moaned. I needed more, but I didn't know how to express that to him. He bit my ear, that talented tongue and teeth working me up even more.

"Tell me what you need Josie," he whispered.

"I need you, Blake," I said, gasping for air.

"Tell me exactly what you need, Josie. I need to hear you say it." I swallowed hard at his request, but my need outweighed any embarrassment.

"I need you to make me come, Blake," I said with a whimper. He growled again , and pushed me toward the back hallway. He pressed me against the wall and looked me in the eyes.

"I'm not going to take you here at a bar, Josie, but make no mistake, I will make you come multiple times before the night is over." He leaned in and kissed his way from my neck down my chest. "I'll help you out for now, but I'm not done with you for tonight." He nipped at my cleavage as I nodded. That's all I wanted.  I needed all of him. I couldn't wait any longer.

He leaned in to kiss me again, sliding his tongue against my lips until I parted them so he could devour me.  The throbbing ache that rested between my legs consumed me. I moved my hands under his shirt and touched his firm stomach, chest, and of course the sexy v at the top of his pants, ache growing as I explored. _This party needs to end now so I can get him undressed!_

He moaned in my mouth before trailing his hand down the slit in the front of my chest, leaving a path of pure hot hunger. He moved his other hand to the bottom of my back, slipped it down the dress, and rested it right above my butt.

Salacious need exploded inside me when he cupped my breast, and I arched my back into his hands. He had no issue being turned on by my small breasts, and it made me feel sexier than I ever had. I needed more—more touching, more of Blake in every way.

Kisses trailed down my neck and I rolled my head to the side. He moved the fabric of my dress aside, squeezed my nipple between his fingers, and brought his head down to put it in his mouth. I moaned loudly as his hot mouth worked against my sensitive skin. When he pulled down the soaked black thong that had become very unnecessary, I wanted to scream.

He moved his mouth away from my nipple and crouched down until I stepped out of my panties. I had to grab onto his shoulders for support, but he was strong enough to make sure I didn't fall. He came back up trailing his fingers up the side of my knee. When he came to full height, his hand had made it to the apex of my thighs. His eyes were almost black with need.

"I want to taste you when we get back to your room, but for now I'm going to make you come with just my fingers." His voice was so husky and deep as he said it and I was delirious, craving only him. He slid his finger inside me and I almost collapsed to the ground. I tried gripping the wall to hold me up, but I couldn't get a good grip. Blake wrapped his arm around my back, pulling me closer to him and giving me the stability I needed.

"Hold on to me, baby, I want to feel you."

He'd been working me up to this moment all night, and I knew I wouldn't last very long. I whimpered every time his thumb pressed on my clit. I dug my fingers into his shoulders and moved my hips in sync with his touch. He slipped another finger inside of me and increased pressure on my clit.

It was exactly what I needed, and I finally reached the pinnacle of desire that we were working toward. I cried out and vaguely registered Blake's lips covering mine to help drown out the noise. I convulsed in his arms and went blind for a good thirty seconds before I came back down from my high. Blake straightened out my clothes and placed multiple soft kisses on my tender lips.

"You're a vision, Jo. I'll go my whole life living to see that again." I smiled wistfully, loving the thought of more intimacy with him, and we stayed there for a couple minutes longer until he was able to get his himself under control.

The rest of the night was amazing. We danced until our legs couldn't take it anymore. Seth ended up shirtless, sockless, shoeless, and boxerless—but not pantless – by the end of the night, and Brooke ended up completely wasted.  Seth's tattoos on display only got him more action from all the women there, but my hurt and jealousy was dulled slightly since Blake showed me what it felt like to be wanted by someone who felt more than just friendly feelings.

I danced with everyone and we all enjoyed each other's company. I started drinking water soon after Blake and I had our intimate moment so I wouldn't get any drunker. I wanted to be completely sober when I took Blake back to my dorm.

Brandon ended up carrying Brooke out the door and said he would take her to his and Blake's house and drop her off in the morning. That worked for me, since it meant alone time with my man.

Seth drove us back to the dorms and we were all too exhausted to talk. Seth grabbed my arm before I walked into my room with Blake. He pulled me aside and gave me a pleading look.

"Please don't sleep with him tonight, Josie."

I did not see that coming. I took a step back and shook my head, not understanding.

"Why? What the _hell_ Seth? You can't say shit like that." It wasn't fair to me or my emotions for him to spring that on me now. I needed to move on. He looked down at the ground, contemplating what to say next.

"You're right," he said eventually, bringing his bright blue-green eyes back up to meet mine. "I don't have a say in what you do, but Josie, you're my best friend, and I'm not convinced he's not going to hurt you one day. I think you should hold off a little longer."

"Well, it's not your decision to make," I said softly. I put my hand on his arm for a long moment before turning and walking into my room. I wasn't going to let him ruin this moment with Blake.

Blake was flipping through the book I was in the middle of reading when I walked back in, but put it down when he saw me.

"I wasn't snooping, I swear," he said, raising his arms in the air in surrender. I laughed as I dropped down next to him on my bed. I wrapped my arms around him, laying my head in the nook between his shoulder and neck. His arms wrapped around me in return, holding me close.

"Thanks for an amazing birthday, Blake." He leaned me back on the bed and climbed over me.

"You are most welcome. Seeing you in that dress might have been more of a gift for me, though," he said, smiling as his eyes trailed down my body. Every inch of me heated as his eyes looked me over. I nudged him off of me and stood up.

 "And what about what's underneath?"

His eyes darkened at my question, and he scooted back on the bed, propping himself up on his elbows. I straightened, working hard to find the courage to undress in front of him. He had never done anything to make me feel like he was a threat. _You're safe, Josie._

I grabbed the edge of the dress that rested on my shoulder and slowly slid it down my arm. My breath quickened as I watched him harden through the fabric of his dress pants. The other sleeve was next, and as soon as that was out, my whole chest was exposed to the man I was falling for.

The dress still rested on my hips, so I shimmied and pulled it the rest of the way off, very slowly. I was left in my thong and heels, and prepared to take them off when Blake reached for my hand to stop me.

"I want you to keep those on," he said huskily. He picked me up and laid me back on the bed gently. "You are the most beautiful woman to have ever walked this earth, Josie.  I've never wanted anyone as much as I want you."

I believed every word that came out of his mouth. Not because I agreed, but because I knew he meant them.

He kissed me from my belly button up to my chest, flicking his tongue over my hardened nipples, and continued up until he reached my lips. There was so much passion in his touch that I lost all awareness of the rest of the world.  It was only me and the feel of Blake against my heated skin. I grabbed at the bottom of his shirt, eager to feel his bare skin against mine. He leaned back on his feet and took off the shirt for me.

His broad chest, thick arms and defined abs were what every girl dreamed of, so I wasted no time moving my mouth to his chest. He moaned, but too soon pushed me back down on the bed.

"Let me kiss you," he said in a rough voice. I nodded, but he shook his head. "No, I mean I need to kiss you all over. Let me kiss every inch of you, Josie. Please say yes."

"Yes," I whispered.

He sat back and pulled my leg up onto his shoulder. He started his luscious torture: licking, sucking, and nipping up my leg to the top of my thigh. When I lifted my hips so he could kiss me _there_ too, he pulled back. He continued the torment on my other leg. He put his fingers on the front of my thong and rubbed me through the fabric. I moaned, and he chuckled.

"You're soaked through. Is that all for me?" he asked, hunger dripping in his voice. I nodded and moaned even louder as he slipped his fingers inside my panties. He pulled the fabric to the side and moved his mouth over my mound, flicking my clit with his tongue. I shivered from the electricity it sent to my core.

"Fuck... Josie, you taste so good," he said, sitting up briefly. He slipped off my panties but kept my heels on. Every second he wasn't touching me made my body ten times hungrier for him.

He looked me in the eyes, smirked, and said, "You're the fucking embodiment of beauty right now."

I was going to roll my eyes, but they stayed in the back of my head when he put his hot mouth back on me. He parted me open with his fingers so he could get better access and licked up to my clit. It was the second most sensual thing I had ever experienced.

I was going to come any second, but I wasn't ready for it to end. I reached for something to grab on to, dug my heels into his back, and tried to hold on.

"Let go, baby. I'm not anywhere near done yet," he murmured. The vibrations of his voice and the rub of his stubble against my sensitive skin got me to the edge, and when he tugged my clit back into his mouth I was sent spiraling over, into the rolling bliss of an incredible orgasm. He lapped at me and went right back to work on my clit with his thumb.

I was lost in the delirium and barely registered the sound of the door opening. My vision started to focus, and I saw Seth standing there staring at us with a look that could kill.

_I was going to die. I was losing focus, and I was seconds away from slipping away from the world forever. He was so focused on ruining me that he didn't see my avenging angel come out of the back door. The look on his face screamed vengeance, and I felt a glimpse of relief knowing that I could be saved._

I gasped and clutched my hand to my throat; I could barely breathe. Blake noticed my change in mood. He looked in the direction I was staring, and when he saw Seth standing in the doorway glaring, he climbed up the bed to cover me from Seth's view.

"What the hell, man?" Blake bellowed at Seth. "You couldn't knock?"

"Well I did, but I'm sure you couldn't hear me over the sounds _she_ was making!" he yelled back and pointed at me. The withering stare he gave us shredded me. Ripped me open and a dam of guilt rushed in—demolishing my complacency.

Blake sighed. He wouldn't apologize for making me feel good. Seth shook himself of his anger, and looked at me with saddened eyes.

"What's wrong, Seth?" I asked, clutching the sheet to my chest, still breathless.

"Dad had a heart attack. I'm about to head home to go to the hospital."

_Oh shit,_ I thought. My heart broke instantly for him. For his family. For the brokenness I saw in the features of his face. His heavy and red eyes, the slackened body posture, the frown etched on his usually composed face. He shifted his weight between each leg, fists opening and closing as he tried to process and deal with his worry. "I was hoping you would come with me."

I started to get up, but Blake held me so I couldn't move. He grabbed his shirt off the floor, helped me put it on, and then let me sit up. I didn't miss Seth rolling his eyes behind Blake's back.

"Is he okay? Do you know how or why? Is your mom okay? He's not dying is he?" I had so many questions.

"As far as I know, he's not dead, but I need to go see him now. You going to come? I know we were leaving tomorrow for spring break, but I gotta see him, Jos." He choked on the word dead, and he searched my eyes, pleading. I looked at Blake and he gave me a small sad but reassuring smile.

"I'll be out in a minute," I said, looking back at Seth. He nodded and went to wait outside the door.

"You'll drive up there tomorrow and meet me? Just throw some of my clothes and books into a bag?" I asked Blake as soon as Seth left. I found some jeans to tug on underneath Blake's shirt.

"Yeah, of course. I'll take care of everything here, and I'll call you when I'm nearby tomorrow," he assured me.

"I'm sorry Blake. You have no idea how much I wanted this tonight, but he's like another dad to me," I said as I was frantically trying to get everything together.

"Baby, you don't owe me any explanation for wanting to be there for your best friend."

In the process of looking around the room, I got a whiff of his shirt. It smelled like him. "I'm keeping the shirt by the way." He gave me a big smile and leaned back on the bed.

"You look better in my shirt than I do anyway. Keep it." I grabbed my purse, gave him a quick kiss, and was about to turn to leave when he pulled me back by the hem of my shirt.

"Please be careful," he whispered, and gave me a lingering kiss goodbye – a kiss that I would not soon forget. 

# Chapter 10

### PAST—JUNIOR YEAR

For the first half of the ride, Seth and I didn't say anything to each other.

When he was upset like that, he liked to keep to himself. His depression was something he was able to hide from others. But I recognized it the moment it started creeping into his mind—making him feel like he was never good enough and useless.

George was a good man, and I hoped he was going to be okay. I wasn't sure how Gayle would survive without her husband and it scared me to think of how Seth would react. After thirty minutes, I couldn't take the silence any longer, and I grabbed his hand.

"I love you, Seth. I can't promise everything is going to be okay, but I can promise that I'll be here for you for anything you need." He glanced at me briefly before turning back to the road and nodding his head. The rest of the ride continued in silence. I alternated between rubbing his hand and his thigh to comfort him. I was exhausted from lack of sleep, but there was no way I was going to let Seth do this alone.

We pulled up to the hospital, and headed straight to the ER. He let me hold his hand on the way. We found Gayle crying loudly in a chair in the back so I knelt down next to her.

"Mom, what's going on? How is he?" Seth wrapped his arm around her shoulder, but she just kept crying.

I got up and went to the front desk. There was a petite blonde behind the counter, and she looked up at me when I got to her desk. "Hi, my best friend's dad was brought in here for a heart attack and I need to get some information about his condition. His name is George Montgomery."

"Let me check real quick," she said and logged into her computer. Every tap of the keyboard made my heart race even faster. She finally looked up and said, "It looks like Mr. Montgomery went in for emergency PCI."

_He's alive._

"Someone should be coming out to let you know what's going on soon."

"Okay, thanks," I said and returned to Seth and Gayle.

There was something so sweet about seeing this tall, tattooed man comforting a frail older woman. He was extremely close to his parents, and the fact that he put aside his emotions in order to calm his mom was so sincere and added to the list of things I loved about him.

He had always been strong. When I thought I was about to die, he saved me. When I wouldn't speak to anyone for months, he kept talking. When I asked him to do something that would risk our friendship, he did it. His heart and strength were beautiful.

"They said that he had to get an emergency PCI, and that someone will come out to tell you what's going on," I whispered as I sat in the chair next to Seth.

He nodded his head, but didn't say anything else. The ER waiting room was an empty, solemn place. I texted my dads to let them know what happened and that I was with Seth at the hospital, but they wouldn't see it until the sun actually came up.

I don't know how long we waited. The minutes ran into hours with only a dull hum of activity surrounding us. Eventually, a doctor came out to talk to Gayle and Seth. He was a handsome older man, and knelt down to Gayle's level.

"Mrs. Montgomery. First, I want to say that your husband is alive." Gayle hiccupped, and Seth visibly relaxed a little bit more. "We ran some tests on him, and we determined that the best way to go right now is to give him a cardio angioplasty. What we will do during this procedure is put in a device called a stent. It's shaped kind of like a ballpoint pen, and we'll insert it into the artery to help it remain open after the clot is removed. We're prepping him right now for that, so you'll have to wait a little longer before you can see him."

The doctor took time to answer all of the questions Gayle and Seth had. After they ran out of questions and signed all the paperwork for the surgery, we were finally able to sit back down and take a breather. I put my head on Seth's shoulder, and held onto his hand.

"Are you okay?" I whispered.

"I will be when I see him alive," he said. He turned and put his forehead against mine. "Thanks for coming with me, Jos. There's no way I could keep it together if you weren't here." His breath whispered against my face, making his words more intimate.

"That's not true, Seth. You're the strongest person I know," I whispered, shaking my head. He grazed his lips over my cheek and moved them to my ear.

"You have no idea, Josie. You have no idea what you do for me, what you do _to_ me." He grabbed my chin with his hand and held it firmly while he kissed the side of my mouth. After a moment of lingering there, he moved his lips to my top lip and pulled it softly into his mouth.

Rapid breathing. Incoherent thoughts. Nothing made sense, and yet I felt like this was where I was supposed to be. Seth and I made sense. He was within my grasp, his mouth on mine and his eyes reciprocating the same longing I'd been storing for months.

I opened my mouth, wanting nothing more in the world than for him to take it further, when my cell phone went off.

_No, no, no, no, no._

My eyes pleaded him to ignore it, but I could feel the distance grow as the shrill continued. Seth closed his eyes and sighed before letting go of me and turning back around in his seat. I'd worked so hard for months to deny the emotions coursing through me, and in an instant, I was ready to drop everything to embrace them.

But he pulled away before I could, a look of sorrow etched across his face.

It was five in the morning, so I had no idea who would be calling. A lump rose in my throat as I saw Blake's name come across the screen. I got up and moved toward the coffee machines for privacy. Nothing like a phone call from your boyfriend to bring you back to earth.

"Hello?" My voice was thick with the yearning I had for the boy in the waiting room and guilt for preferring someone other than the boyfriend who had been nothing but good to me.

"Hey! I'm about fifteen minutes from your house. I was wondering if you were still at the hospital, or if you're back home yet."

"You didn't have to leave in the middle of the night. You could have slept some. I'm so sorry. I'm still at the hospital. You can meet me here in the ER."

"I need to be there with you, not sleeping, Josie. I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay. Be careful."

"I will. Bye."

"Bye."

I got a cup of coffee and leaned against the wall for a few minutes to think. I had wanted Seth to kiss me more than I wanted another breath of air. I was _anxious_ for the opportunity to love him. Remorse riddled my consciousness for letting myself get wrapped up in Seth. For losing control.

Eight hours ago, Blake made it clear he wasn't going to share me and I was already breaking his trust. I needed to get my shit together. Blake was the one who saw me as a woman instead of a friend. Blake was the one who showed me what a real relationship could be. He was my boyfriend. Not Seth. Seth would never be more than my best friend.

I dropped it all then. I let go of any notion of getting Seth to fall in love with me, and vowed I would focus entirely on the good relationship I had with Blake.

"Is he coming here?" Seth asked when I'd retaken my seat. I nodded my head. He clenched his jaw and sprang up from his seat. "Well, I think I saw enough of you two in the last twelve hours, so I'm going to go walk around"

He left me speechless, but I didn't go after him. He needed time alone. _Damn moody artist._

A few minutes later, Blake came into the ER looking damn fine in jeans and a blue t-shirt. I was eager to be back in his arms. He was comfortable and stable—never making me feel erratic and irresponsible the way Seth did. He kissed my head and held me tight for a few minutes. Gayle had fallen asleep in her chair, so I didn't have to introduce him.

"I've got all your stuff in the car. It's a good thing we were mostly packed already. It was pretty easy to get everything," he said. We separated long enough to sit down and get comfortable.

"I figured you would sleep some before you came. I'm so tired." He wrapped his arm around me and held me closer to him.

"Go ahead and sleep. I'll wake you up whenever they get some news." I nodded into his shoulder, and I felt so relaxed with him that I drifted to sleep almost instantly.

***

Someone was nudging my shoulder.

"Baby, wake up. He's out." Someone was kissing all over my face. "Wake up, sleepyhead."

"Uhhhhhh.... I'm awake. Just one minute," I said groggily to the evil human being who was waking me.

"George is awake," Blake said. I shot up from my prone position. I'm not really sure how I managed to do it, but my head had been in Blake's lap with one leg on the back of the chairs and the other one on the floor. I cocked my head in confusion. How the hell had I done that?

Blake chuckled. "Yeah, I wouldn't have believed you did that in your sleep if I hadn't been the one you were laying on." I smiled up at him, slightly embarrassed.

"She's always been like that. Every time we've slept in the same bed, she would end up in a different position in the morning," Seth said from the seats across from us, taking some sort of pleasure in gloating over knowing how I sleep.

I shot him a warning look, and returned my focus to Blake. He was obviously upset, the crease in his brow giving away his reaction.

I nudged him lightly. "When we were kids," I said. Seth huffed, but I ignored him.  "So he's awake?"

"Yeah. Mom is back there now with him. They said for today, they only want family going in, so you won't be able to see him until tomorrow," Seth said.

"Oh, okay. Well, I'll wait until you're done seeing him, and then head home."

"You can go now. I know you're tired."

"No. No, I'll stay until you're done. Make sure everything is okay." I wasn't going to leave him there.

We waited a few minutes longer until Gayle came back out. She patted Seth on the cheek and kissed him before sitting back down. Seth got up for his turn to see his dad, and I gave him a quick hug before he left.

Blake and I played a word game on his phone while we waited, and I loved how relaxed we were able to be, even in a sad and tense situation. I didn't feel self-conscious or uncomfortable with Blake—it was always easy.

When Seth came back out, I instantly noticed the change in his mood. Seeing his dad doing well must have lifted his spirits. I got up and gave him as big of a hug as my small arms could muster.

"Go home Pu-," he pulled back abruptly and grimaced. "Wow... it's going to be really weird calling you that from now on." I chuckled nervously and looked away, wanting to find a hole I could go hide in. "Go home, Jos. Get some sleep. I'll talk to you later."

"Okay. Let me know if anything changes." I kissed him on his cheek and Blake came up to stand with me.

"Glad he's doing well, man," Blake said. It was one of the few genuine and easy conversations they'd had.

"Thanks for being there with me." I said to Blake when we were in his car.

"No problem. I'd do anything to help you out."

Blake and I had decided it was time to meet the parents, so we planned to spend the week with my dads and then a few days with his mom during our spring break.

"Do you think your dads will like me?" He asked in a cute, boyish way. That was probably the tenth time he had asked me that question that week. I think he was nervous because he not only had to worry about one dad trying to kill him if he hurt his baby girl, but two.

"Probably. If not, then I guess it won't work out for us," I said with a teasing smile. He pulled his hand from mine giving me a devilish look, and reached over to tickle my side.

It wasn't funny. Being tickled is never funny. So I resorted to the only thing I knew would work while he was stalled at the stop light – I beat him up with my scrawny fists.

"Stop it now, Blake James Porter!" I yelled at him, hating that his tickling was making me laugh despite how much I hated it.

"Okay... okay... But only because we're in the car. I'm not finished with you, missy," he said, giving me a stern look. My sarcastic side was on full display with the sly grin I sent in his direction. He was a guy who'd been hoping to get lucky for months. He was too malleable.

"We'll see. We women have a secret power that makes sexy men like you lose complete focus, so I think I'll be able to escape your future torture." I moistened my lips with my tongue and his eyes narrowed on the movement.

"You play dirty, baby. But something tells me I won't mind," he said shaking his head.

We pulled up to the front of my house and giddiness started from the warmth in my chest to the excited shake of my leg as I waited for us to get out. We had lived in that house for fifteen years. It was more than a residence; it was the source of memories from loving parents and growing up with my best friend.  I could tell that Daddy was already working on the garden, the flowers in front of the house were vibrant and full of life. It wasn't huge, but it was home: two stories, white paneling, and blue trim. I smiled at Blake. I was home.

"Come on, scaredy cat!" I hopped out of the car and made my way to the front door. I grabbed Blake's hand to walk into the house together. Daddy was cleaning up the kitchen when we walked in, and Dad was sitting at the kitchen table reading the Sunday paper. They both looked up in unison as we walked into the room.

"Hi dads!" I said, smiling at them and running up to give them each a big hug. Dad's eyes never left Blake's in a look of judgment, but Daddy looked at him with a much more appreciative eye. I walked back up to Blake and grabbed his hand again. "This is Blake. Blake, these are my dads, Will and Tony." Blake went up to each of them and shook their hand.

"Nice to meet you, sirs." He cringed a little at the use of 'sirs,' but I just laughed and nudged him. I couldn't get over how cute he was, meeting my dads. His usual confidence and tough personality was gone.

"Good to meet you, too. Josie seems to be keeping us in the dark," Daddy said, turning his raised brows and pursed lips in my direction. "We weren't told how handsome you are!"

I swear I saw a slight blush creeping up Blake's neck when he heard that.

"Yeah, well I am nowhere near as good looking as Josie is," he said, wrapping his arm around me. "She seems to have gotten the best of both of your DNA," Blake deadpanned. It was quiet for a few seconds before we dissolved into laughter.

Even Dad grinned a little at that. "Looks like you got yourself a funny one, huh baby girl," Dad said and pulled me into another big hug. The strength of his arms was exactly what I needed. It had only been a few months since I'd last seen them, but I was always missing them.

"Oh! How's George?" Daddy asked me, turning serious.

"He had to get a cardio angioplasty, but he seemed to be doing well afterwards, according to the doctors. We can't see him until tomorrow. Only family for right now."

"Oh okay. We'll go over there with you later. Are you guys hungry? I was just about to make some lunch." I looked over at the clock. It was 11 am. Daddy was lying. Sundays were their lazy days. They stayed in bed until 10:30, so they would've just had their breakfast.

I could've been a nice daughter and said I'd make it myself, but I was freaking hungry. Turning down food should be against the law. "Yep. We're starving."

I showed Blake around the house while we waited for Daddy to cook us something to eat. I showed him our game room, my parent's room, the guest room, that I begged Daddy to convince Dad not to make Blake sleep in, and finally my bedroom.

I flopped onto my bed—feeling extra comfortable to be back. Blake looked around the space, at all my Harry Potter posters, pictures of family and friends on the wall, and my nearly overflowing bookshelf.

Having him look around my room, a room that screamed nerd, was a little intimidating. I was sharing this big part of myself with him, not knowing how he would react. Seth always teased me about my geekiness, preferring girls who were more concerned about their wardrobe than learning, so Blake's opinion as my boyfriend mattered to me. He came back over to the bed, laid down next to me, and gave me a lazy grin.

"You really love books, huh?" he asked.

I gave him a look that said _duh,_ and laughed. "Yes. It's always been my dream to have a room filled with books. Like in Beauty and the Beast. I've dreamt of gliding around the room on one of those ladders that climbs up the wall, picking out books to read." I could picture it vividly in my head.

"What about other activities?" he asked impishly, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Yeah, there is nothing hotter than having sex in a room filled with books."

He leaned in closer to me and started nuzzling my neck. "Hmm, do you have experience in that, Ms. Sommers?"

"No," I said, a little breathless. He climbed over me, but didn't let his body touch mine.

"I'm going to build you a library just like that, love." I closed my eyes, picturing us together in my fantasy room.

_Wait... what did he just call me?_ He had never called me that before, and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. It kind of made me feel... amazing. Like he could feel the same way I was starting to feel about him.

"I would love that," I whispered.

He leaned in closer to me so our lips were separated by only a small breath. I licked my dry lips, tasting his in the process, and he moaned in reaction. It took about a millisecond of thought before we sought out each other's mouths greedily.

I slipped my tongue inside his mouth and he moved his hands over my body, underneath my shirt, and ghosted them across my belly to the bottom of my bra. I whimpered and rolled over so I was on top of him. He hardened against me, igniting a fire that ran through my veins. I ground against him while he kissed me.

He moved down my neck, nipping at my skin and using the flat of his tongue to spike a newfound need. My movements sped up and he gripped my hips tightly, helping me move against him. I needed more friction, more movement.

He growled as I quickened my pace and ground himself even harder on me. _More._ I was moaning louder now and Blake grabbed my face so he could smother my moans with his mouth. I was wet enough to seep through my jeans, but I was too close to my orgasm to try and stop. Blake slipped his hands under my bra and pinched my nipples, giving me exactly what I needed. I groaned and shuddered three times as I came.

Embarrassment seeped in after I calmed down, but the look of adoration on Blake's face eased some of the shame.

"Fuck, Josie. Watching you do that almost made me come in my pants. I haven't done that since I was fifteen years old."

I laughed, and rolled off him. I was about to say something smart, but Daddy called up the stairs.

"Come on you two! Lunch is ready. Josie, that boy better not be doing naughty things to you or else we'll have no choice but to cut off his balls."

Blake raised his eyebrows and I just laughed it off as we walked down the stairs. "He's just joking," I said, trying to reassure him.

Dad grunted. " _He_ might be joking, but I'm not."

***

The four of us spent the day together and my dads seemed to like Blake. Especially Daddy. The two of them played chess for a couple hours while Dad and I went into the garage to check out the car we'd been working on for the last couple of years. It was a 1965 Plymouth Barracuda Formula S and Dad got it from a loyal customer who couldn't work on it any more.

It was my favorite thing to do with Dad. We talked about the shop and life and I always felt like it brought us closer. I was underneath the car replacing the starter when Blake came walking into the garage. I rolled out, and grinned up at him.

"Come take a walk with me," he said.

"Okay. Just let me tighten this bolt real quick, and I'll be out. Dad, is that cool?"

He grunted, agreeing in his own bear-like way. I finished what I was doing, and got up to go wash my hands.

"Okay. I'm ready," I said, grabbing Blake's hand.

We walked down the sidewalk making small talk. I told him about the neighbors and explained some of the awful things they would say, whispering about my gay parents or the color of my skin. He rubbed his thumb back and forth on my hand, comforting me as I talked.

I felt so at peace with him. It was different and new, this sort of comfort I had never had before. I was falling hard for him. For the life we could have together. Something normal and sweet. __ Yes, I could definitely get used to being loved by this man.

"I have your birthday present. We got distracted last night, so I wasn't able to give it to you," he said.

I got excited and grinned at him, stopping our walk immediately.

"Lucky for you, I _love_ presents! You can give one to me any time of any day. Can I have it?" He kissed my pouted lips before he reached into his pocket.

"You can have it, but you have to promise me that you'll say you like it even if you don't. I put a lot of work into finding the perfect gift," he said nervously. He handed me a small box wrapped perfectly in green paper with a tiny silver bow.

"Don't get any ideas. I had no hand in wrapping that," he said with a self-conscious laugh.

I opened the wrapping paper carefully and pulled out a small little box. My heart raced. No one had ever given me jewelry before, and I was pretty sure it was jewelry in that box. I gasped when I saw what was inside. I put my hand to my chest and looked up at Blake. He gave me a small smile, and I looked back down at the beautiful ring he had gotten for me.

It was a rose gold band that was molded into a pattern that looked like entwined rope. The band was laced with small diamonds that led to the center of the ring. The center was so gorgeous I could barely breathe. It was an emerald stone that was shaped into a square, my favorite cut, and blue sapphires surrounded it.

It was gorgeous, thoughtful, unique, and completely me. No, it was _us_. It was a perfect image of what we were becoming and how I was feeling. I looked back up to him, and got lost in his brown eyes, speechless.

"It's beautiful," I whispered and looked away.

I was shocked. Shocked by the gift and shocked that I knew in that instant that I loved him. The swell of emotion was there, and while I had my doubts about ever falling in love with someone else, I couldn't deny the growing feelings.

It hadn't been planned. I came to college with no intention of falling in love, but fate had other plans for me.

He took the box from me and grabbed my right hand, slipping the gorgeous piece of art onto my finger. In that moment, I believed that my life was spared to be loved by this man.

"If you don't like it, Jo, I understand. It was the first time I've ever designed jewelry, so I wasn't sure," he said, trailing off at the end of his sentence. I reached up, grabbed his face, and kissed him in a way that I hoped reflected everything I felt but couldn't tell him yet.

"I love it," I said emphatically. _I love you_. "It's perfect," I added. _You're perfect._ "Wait, did you say you designed it? Oh my god, Blake! You're so freaking amazing!"

"I'm glad you like it." He grabbed my hand again, and we continued our walk. I felt like I was walking on clouds, deliriously happy to be with him.

"I really like your parents, Jo. I'm glad you let me come and meet them."

"Yeah, I think they like you too. Now we just have to get through meeting your mom and then we can both relax."

"Ma's going to love you. You're perfect."

I wasn't perfect. I was seriously flawed, but I didn't want to shatter that image just yet. For so long, I had focused on my feelings for my best friend, the one person who knew what happened to me. Seth witnessed it. I never had to explain it to him.

I figured I wouldn't have to bring up my assault with Blake, since I never thought I'd fall for him. I wanted Blake to want me as the Josie I used to be instead of the one who was dramatically changed when I was ruined. Now that I understood my feelings for Blake were evolving, there was no way I could keep it hidden.

"I'm tainted, Blake," I said. He stopped abruptly and stared at me.

"You are most definitely not tainted, love." There was that word again. He kissed me and we turned around and walked back to the house.

***

After dinner, we went to my room. We watched the first Harry Potter movie, because my weirdo boyfriend had never watched it. After the movie we laid in the bed and talked.

"Your dads are great parents, huh?" he asked me.

"The best. I never wanted anything that they didn't give me. They've always been supportive of me. I've always felt lucky to have had them as my parents." I paused. "Do you want a family?" I asked him, curious. He turned to me and smiled a perfectly genuine smile.

"Yeah, I do. I want a bunch of kids with the most perfect girl by my side. Like ten kids, babe," he said, chuckling. I'm sure that last part wasn't true, but he was so cute when he said it. His eyes turned thoughtful and he continued. "I've always worried that I would end up like my dad, but I think I've placed enough distance between us so that won't happen."

"You won't be like your dad if you don't want to be," I said. I really had no idea, because he didn't talk about him too much, but I could tell that he would be a great dad. I'd seen the way he coached the kids' soccer teams at the gym.

"I hate my dad," he said softly. I held his hand and turned to face him.

"I'm sorry, Blake."

"He's in jail. He did something unforgivable and even though I never liked him before, I despise him now. I can't stand the thought of him."

"What'd he do?" I asked. I'd been wanting to ask that question since he first brought it up months ago, but he always avoided talking about his dad. He looked away from me and I could tell he was mad because his face got a little red and he was tense. He sighed before he answered.

"He sexually assaulted someone. He ruined a girl's life and he refused to acknowledge that what he did was wrong. I hate him."

Blake didn't know yet what had happened to me, but I understood him a little better after his admission. He was sensitive and respectful of me every time I said no. He worked hard to set himself apart from his father's actions.

There was something about his confession that made me feel closer to him. Made me feel like I could tell him everything.

"I was raped," I whispered into the night air. I felt his hand tighten at my words, but I wouldn't look at him, scared he wouldn't want me anymore. Scared I was too dirty.

# Chapter 11

### PRESENT—MONDAY

I wake up sprawled across my queen-sized bed and groan at the sunlight seeping in through the windows. I hate mornings. I look over at my phone and realize it was an alarm that woke me up. _What the hell_?

Blake. He helped me last night. It slowly comes back to me how he pulled me out of the shower, how he helped me calm down, and how I begged him to stay with me. I groan again before I start to roll out of bed. I'm still naked and I'm glad Blake left before I woke up because this would've been really freaking awkward.

Dressed only in a large t-shirt and panties, I run downstairs. I need to make my Dad some breakfast and lunch so he doesn't starve while I'm out. A chair scrapes as I start working on the food and I jump.

"Mmm, now that's a sight. I remember when you used to make me breakfast with nothing on," Blake says, his chair tipped back on two legs and a blatant, hungry stare drinking in my bare legs. I give him a pointed look, walk to his chair, and kick one of the back chair legs. Blake falls onto the floor with a loud thud, shocked. I grin and go back to work on my eggs.

"I see you haven't changed too much," he says as he gets himself back into his seat. I shrug, not caring if he thinks that's a bad thing. "I'm glad. When I win you back, I want my Josie to still have her old sense of humor," he says, his confidence clearly not bruised.

I whip around and fix him with a hard glare.

"I am _not_ the same Josie I was a year ago, Blake. Make no mistake about that."

He looks a little sad after I say it, but it's the truth so I don't care.

When I finish with the omelets, I run upstairs to put on pants and take an omelet to Dad. He's in the closet, flipping through old photo albums.

"I wish I could see him one last time," he whispers to me. It breaks my heart. I slide down next to him, and hug him.

"I do too, Dad."

"Just to tell him not to go," he says, starting to sob again.

"I know, Dad... but he would have left anyway. He always believed in fate," I say, trying to reassure him. I don't know what else to say.

I'm mad Daddy felt like he had to leave to go get some ice cream for us. I'm mad that the driver was drunk. I'm mad Daddy didn't even have a chance to recover because he was killed on impact. I'm pissed there was no goodbye. How do I reassure someone it's going to be okay when I don't even believe that myself?

After a few minutes, I get up and hand Dad his food.

"I'm about to make some lunch for you. It'll be in the fridge. I'm heading out today, so if you need anything just call me. Okay?" All I get is a grunt this time, so I sigh and kiss the top of his head. "I love you, Dad."

When I go back downstairs, Blake is playing on his phone. I roll my eyes, and get my plate to eat. I don't ask if Blake wants anything and I don't feel guilty about it either.

"Brooke will be here in an hour so you two can go to the spa. You'll only have three hours before we meet for lunch, but I promise to get you in again soon."

I drop my fork and it clangs loudly against the plate. "Blake, what are you talking about? I'm not going to let you do this again. I agreed because I said we could hang out, and I think you knew that if Brooke was going then I couldn't say no. But don't get any ideas about where this is headed. I won't change my mind."

"I'm not ready to give up, Josie. I love you too much. So, _you_ don't __ get any ideas that this isn't going anywhere," he says, just as adamantly and passionately.

"Whatever."

***

The idea of a few hours of relaxation _is_ appealing. This last week, hell this whole year, has taken its toll on me, and I could use this little treat. Brooke arrives not a minute after I apply my last stroke of make-up. Okay, maybe I put on a little more make-up than usual, but that doesn't mean anything.

I don't want to be trapped without my car or in a car with Blake, so Brooke and I take my car, and Brandon and Blake follow us in Brandon's car.

"Wasn't this nice of Blake? I soooo need a day at the spa. I swear I was up half the night puking my guts out!"

I give her a sympathetic smile. "Yeah, it's pretty nice, but he's just doing it so he can win me back."

"So what? The boy loves you to pieces. You should hear him back home. He's always asking about you, making sure you're okay, wondering what you've been doing. He's miserable without you."

I'm a little shocked hearing this. "You never told me any of this before."

"Yeah. Well you banned any talk of him, so I just avoided the topic as best as I could," she says, shrugging.

Throughout my massage and facial, I can't stop picturing Blake. Blake kissing me. Blake holding me. Blake asking about me. Blake mourning the loss of our relationship. Could he have suffered as much as I have?

_No._ No, he hasn't. He won't know suffering until he has had to experience what I have.

I'm anxious as we walk to the restaurant. A part of me wonders if Blake thinks this is a date. I have no idea what to expect. The boys look impeccably handsome. Brandon gives his fiancé a big kiss, letting everyone in the restaurant know she's taken. Blake leans in and places a lingering, soft kiss on my cheek.

"You look radiant, Josie," he says softly, taking my hand in his and leading me to the table. Typical corny Blake, but the affection feels good after nothing for so long.

The restaurant is nice, with a laid back kind of atmosphere so it isn't stuffy. There's a stage near the front, and someone is setting up to play. We order our food and then fall into easy conversation. I'm surprised at how normal it feels to be sitting here with everyone. We haven't been together like this in months, but it feels like no time has passed.

Blake takes my hand underneath the table and I let him. I know I'm just giving in to what I thought I didn't want, but there's something about Blake that makes me succumb to his charms. To the comfort he's always been able to show me.

I miss being cared for. Being _loved._ He rubs his thumb across my skin and I lose track of what we're talking about. The continuous circles he rubs into my palm turn me to putty in his hands.

"Ladies and gentlemen," a man announces, "please help me welcome to the stage, Ms. Jonathon Higgins!" I gasp and turn to Blake. He smirks and as soon as the music starts, he pulls me out of my seat so he can dance with me. He moves my arms around his neck while his arms cradle my back.

"Did you bring him here?" I ask, wondering if this is a coincidence.

"I did. I convinced him to change his schedule so we could see him again."

I smile so wide my cheeks hurt. I can't believe he did this for me. I can't believe he _remembered_. I still have my shirt in my apartment and wear it when I feel lonely.

"I still have my shirt," I admit softly into his chest.

He buries his head in my neck and breathes me in. "I do too. I think about you every time I see it. I can't get rid of it. It means too much to me," he says softly, bringing me closer to him.

We dance and twirl around while Ms. Higgins sings. Dancing with Blake brings me back to a place of happiness and comfort. He's always helped me feel content, and that hasn't changed with everything that's happened between us. The day I met Blake, I blossomed. The day I found out the truth, I wilted. I didn't realize he could still make me feel whole, even after everything he did to me.

The last song is a slow one and our hands become a little bolder. Our bodies a little closer. I play with the little bit of hair that curls over his collar. His five o'clock shadow rubs against my cheek and his hot breath whispers against my skin.

I feel such an overwhelming sense of peace that I start to tear up. He feels so good and I don't want to let him go. One week. For one week I can have him and give him a chance to make things right.

He pulls back and looks at me, focusing on my misty eyes even though I try to avert them. He grabs my chin and gently brings his mouth to mine. His kiss is so soft, barely grazing my lips. He keeps his eyes open, watching for signs I'm uncomfortable or upset, but I have no intention of stopping him. My eyes flutter closed.

When I don't turn away, Blake pulls me flush against him and deepens the kiss. I weave my fingers through his hair. When his tongue begs for entrance, I oblige. We've spent a year deprived of each other and we both take in as much as we can, knowing it might not last. The music stops but the moment between us continues.

An erupting shriek from the table bursts the bubble.

"Oh god, I'm going to be sick," Brooke says, bringing her hand to her mouth and running to the bathroom. Brandon shoots me a pleading look, and I nod at him.

"Must've been the fish. I'll be right back," I tell Blake.

When I reach the bathroom with Brooke's purse, she's throwing up in the bathroom stall.  I push through the door, pull her hair away, and rub her back until she's finished.

"It's okay sweetie," I say as she moans. "You've only got about three weeks left in your first trimester. It won't be as bad after that. Do you need any crackers? I can go get some."

"Ugh... no thanks. I've still got three weeks? Geesh, I should've paid more attention at the doctor's visit. How do you know all that?"

I laugh, even as a pang fills me again at the thought of motherhood. "Didn't you take health, Brooke?"

"Well, yeah. But Brandon was in my class and we sat in the back and did our own health experiments. If you know what I mean." She winks at me, then heads to the sink to wash out her mouth.

Of course I know. I can't even count how many times I've caught their experiments in action.

"Wait! You went to the doctor already? Did you get a sonogram?" I ask, getting excited.

"Oh yeah! Duh! They had to stick the longest dildo-looking thing inside of me to get the picture. It's in my purse." I hand her the purse. She grabs it from an envelope and hands it to me. She looks over my shoulder as I look at the picture of the little jelly bean that's sitting in her tummy.

"Oh Brooke," I whisper, feeling warmth wash over me.

I'm happy that she has Brandon to share something this special with. I look over my shoulder at her and see the fascination in her expression. She's probably looked at this picture a million times, but she's still riveted by the mini-human inside her. She smiles wistfully one last moment and then puts it back in her purse.

Blake is paying the tab when we walk out of the bathroom. Brandon tucks Brooke under his arm, and she looks at Blake and says, "Must have been the samon's elsa in the fish or something."

Blake and I look at each other, both trying to hold in a laugh, but as soon as our eyes meet, we lose the battle.

"It's called salmonella, girl," I say linking my arm through hers as we walk out of the restaurant. She shrugs and smiles, never a care in the world that she's always saying things wrong. Brandon gives her a look out of the corner of his eye—something sweet and adoring despite how long they've been together.

"You keep saying things the way you want, baby," he says, winking at her. She blows him a kiss and he catches it in his hand, placing it against his lips.

We all decide to take a walk in the nearby park before heading back to the house. Seneca Park has a pond in the middle with a path around it and walkthroughs in the woods and through a butterfly garden. I like to come here when my thoughts are so overwhelming, hoping a walk will calm me down.

Blake grabs my pinkie as we amble in silence around the pond.

Someone calls my name, and I turn around to find Gayle hurrying toward us. I stop and smile at her as she gets closer. I let go of Blake, and meet her in the middle. She wraps me in a big hug, and it feels good to have a motherly figure hug me right now. Eventually she pulls back and examines my face.

"Well, for everything that's happened, dear, I have to say you look as beautiful as ever. I'm so sorry we couldn't come to the funeral. George has been doing too much and hiding it from me, so I had to stay and make sure he didn't give himself another heart attack."

"Oh, it's okay. I barely remember the first half of it anyway. Daddy knows you were there in heart." She nods her head, the mood suddenly solemn. "Have you told him?" I ask softly... cautiously. My breath catches and I feel each drum of my heart beating against my chest.

"I left him a message, but I haven't heard back. I didn't think I should give him all the details in an e-mail, so I told him something happened and he needed to get in touch with you."

Her sadness mirrors my own, even though I'm used to not hearing from him these days. It sends a shock of pain through my heart that he doesn't seem to be even a little concerned for me.

_I could die, and he couldn't care less. He really_ did _mean what he said._

"Oh," I say a tad dejected. "That's okay. He's got his own life now. I know he's busy."

That's a lie. It's _not_ okay. Nothing about this is okay, at all. He's the first person I wanted when I found out Daddy passed, and he's the one in my nightmares, always out of reach. I attempt to swallow the sudden ache that's lodged in my throat.

It's too hard. I don't think about him because when I do, I can't shake the pain of losing him. Besides Daddy dying, the day Seth left me was the worst day of my life. My rape, Blake's betrayal, and my deception to Blake have nothing on the day I knew I lost Seth.  I give Gayle my best fake smile and hug her again.

"He misses you, dear," she whispers to me. "Every time I _do_ hear from him, he asks about you before anything else. It will all work out soon," she says, patting my arm.

The pain is too much. I can't handle the tremors of hurt pulsating from my soul to my heart. Gayle leaves, and I clutch onto Blake's hand, seeking comfort in the only person left for me. Brandon and Brooke are already across the pond, so I lead him on a path that enters the woods and toward a hidden hideaway in the trees.

There's a patch of flat land in front of a large tree that makes a perfect sitting area. I sit down against the tree and try to calm my broken heart. As often as I tell myself I deserve this anguish that I caused when I refused to admit how I felt, the emptiness is still devestating.

"This week only, Blake," I say, watching him as he slides down next to me. "Make me fall back in love with you again. Make me feel _something_ , 'cause I'm dead right now."

While I may not be pouring out my heart, it's still a declaration that I've kept hidden for way too long. I'm a shadow rather than a whole being. He reaches out and cups my cheek. He thinks he understands why I feel dead inside. He doesn't.

"I've felt the same way this past year, Jo. The last twenty-four hours with you have woken me back up, and I'm starting to feel whole again. I'll do _anything_. I can't take back what I did to you. I can't take back the awful truth, but I _will_ make the new memories better. I'll make it so you never have to feel dead again."

I nod into his hand, already relaxing at the sincerity of his proclamation. I want to feel alive, even if it's only for a week.

"Okay."

# Chapter 12

### PRESENT—MONDAY

The four of us spend the night sitting on the back patio, talking.

As it gets dark, Blake decides to spice up the conversation with some beer. Dad declined our offer to hang out, so it's just the four of us listening to music and chatting. It breaks my heart to see the emptiness the drugs and his loss seem to have created in him.

When Blake comes back, he hands me a Corona—he knows me too well—and has Bud Lights for Brooke and Brandon. When Brooke declines the offer for alcohol, I get a feeling her little secret is about to be exposed. I have to hide a laugh, knowing how strange it is to hear Brooke say no to alcohol.  Brandon and Brooke exchange a sweet, intimate smile while Blake comes and sits next to me.

"I'm so confused... I don't think I've ever seen Brooke turn down free booze," Blake says. About a minute later, he sits up in his chair, eyes wide. He points between the two of them.

"Are you guys... are you...?" he stammers. Brandon and Brooke laugh and smile in a way only very excited new parents can.

"Yeah man, Brooke and I are going to have a baby," Brandon says, excitement oozing in his words.

Blake shoots out of his chair as soon as the words leave Brandon's mouth. He goes to Brooke first and hugs her gently, almost cautiously, and gives her a kiss on her cheek. "Dude, I really didn't think you'd be having a family before me. I always thought I'd be the one married with kids by now," he says, giving Brandon a big hug with a hard slap on his back that sounds like it hurt.

"You tell Ma yet? She's going to be thrilled. A wedding _and_ a grandbaby." Blake calms down enough to come sit back down with me, but he can't keep the smile off his face. He finds my hand and rubs his thumb in circles on the top of it.

"Nah, only you two know. We'll tell everyone else soon though. Just wanted to make it through the first trimester," Brandon says.

Blake looks at me wistfully and I know exactly what he's thinking. I know how much he wanted kids. His look makes me feel that ache again and I have to turn away from him before I break down.

We all talk animatedly about the baby and the wedding, all of us excited for Brooke and Brandon's future together. Being the maid of honor means I have a lot of responsibilities in the wedding. It also means there will be no way to hide from Blake, who is also in the wedding, if things don't work out this week.

I try to shake off the negative thoughts and focus on the fact that for one week, I will be loved. For five more days, we can forget about what he did to me, and I can forget about what I did to him.

"Please don't make my dress hideously pink and fluffy, Brooke," I grumble, pulling my legs into my chest.

"Mmm-hmmm, this coming from the girl who will probably have the minister dress up as Albus Dumbledore and have the bridesmaids on a broom stick in her wedding," she replies.

Blake and I exchange a glance and then start cracking up laughing. Not because Brooke thinks she's funny, but because I've told him that it would be cool to have a wedding like that. He thought I was joking at first, but I wasn't. I don't actually want to get married at all, but if I did or if I did a commitment ceremony like my dads, I would totally want it to be Harry Potter themed.

"You wouldn't believe how close to the tr—"

I jump on Blake and cover his mouth with my hand before he can finish his sentence.

"Don't you dare!" I yell. He licks my hand and I pull it away abruptly. "Eww Blake. You know I hate that."

"Josie totally wants a Harry Potter wedding!" he says before I can get him to stop talking again. I sag against him and put my face in my hands. He's shaking with laughter and even though it _is_ kind of funny, I can't believe he just admitted that to them.

Brandon, Blake, and Brooke continue to laugh and bounce ideas off of each other as I pretend to pout in my seat. A sorting hat that gives the seating assignments, Marauder's map as the wedding schedule, wands for good wishes, hats and brooms as props, a Leaky Cauldron themed reception complete with Butterbeer, and even a wizards' dual at the reception.

"Stop picking on me," I plead, sticking out my bottom lip, but it just makes them laugh even more. Blake grasps the sides of my face gently and turns me to him.

"I'd give you anything you want, Jo, no matter how silly anyone else thinks it is," he says, giving me the kindest smile.

I'd like to believe him, but the likelihood of us ever getting to that point is pretty freaking slim at this point. Still, I love his hands on my face and don't bother trying to be cynical.

"Oh yeah? What if I made you continue the charade back in the bedroom?" I ask with a sly smirk.

"Then I'd show you just how good I am with a wand," he says and winks at me. Okay, maybe he got one on me, but I don't mind the little excitement that runs through me at his words.

We laugh and joke until Brooke passes out from fatigue. Brandon picks her up and carries her to the car. Brooke has to return to work Wednesday, so they're leaving in the morning.

I miss them as soon as they pull out of the driveway.

When we're alone, I find an excuse to hide for a minute by checking on Dad. He's stretched out on the bed, sleeping amidst a mess of pictures of our family. After cleaning them up and tucking him in, I change into pajamas before going back downstairs.

"When do you have to go back to work?" Blake asks as I flop onto the couch next to him.

"I go back on Wednesday, too. I've taken too much time off. And I have exams coming up soon. I'm graduating next month."

He gives me a small smile and pulls me so I lay my head in his lap. "I wish I hadn't missed this whole year with you," he says softly, rubbing my hair.

"You didn't miss much," I reply.

"Josie," Blake whispers. The pain in his voice makes me look at him. His dark brown eyes reflect the same pain I feel. "I'd give anything to be able to hold you like this every day until I die. So, yes, I did miss a lot. I missed kissing you every morning. I missed kissing you before we fell asleep. I missed celebrating every class you passed. I missed every conversation about your students, family, and life. Please don't say I didn't miss much, because to me, I lost the other half of my fucking heart for a year."

I reach up and lightly touch his face. My heart hurts. I want to take the pain away, but how do I do that when my pain is just as fresh and agonizing?

Before I can take my hand away, he grabs it and brings it to his mouth. He slips out his tongue and licks the tip of my middle finger, then bites it lightly. I moan, enjoying the way my insides clench. He repeats the action on each finger, turning the shock into pure desire. As my pulse quickens, I feel his arousal against my shoulder. He pulls me up so he can wrap his arms around me.

"Let me take care of you, Jo," he whispers, lips trailing along my jaw. Even though I know he means more than satisfying me sexually, I nod.

"Say it, baby," he says.

"Take care of me, Blake."

"Tell me how." He won't do anything until I tell him. It's his thing, our thing. It turns us both on to hear the words come out of my mouth.

"I want you to taste me," I say. He flips me so I'm lying on the couch and he lies over me, moving his lips to my neck. He slides his tongue up to the shell of my ear, and sucks on it like I remember. I buck my hips up to his so I can get some much-needed pressure, wanting him more than I've wanted anyone in a long time.

"Right here, love?" he whispers.

"Ah, Blake. You know where," I whine, hoping he'll give in.

"I need to hear those dirty words come out of that pretty mouth of yours." He trails kisses down my neck and pushes his hard dick against me. His lips lightly graze my skin and goose bumps rise on my arms. He teases me, causing me to pant as desire overtakes me. The need and longing from being neglected for a year is so powerful I start shaking.

"I want you to lick my pussy, Blake," I admit, voice low and seductive. "My cunt is throbbing for you to taste me."

Clearly my lack of intimacy with any human being for the past twelve months has built up to the point of explosion. He straightens his arms and looks down at me with a semi-shocked look on his face. I've never said anything like that to him before, and if I wasn't so turned on, I think I would run to another room and never come back out.

He groans and closes his eyes. His forehead glistens as he tries to restrain himself. I don't want him to hold back any longer. " _Fuck_ , Josie, that's the sexiest fucking thing you have ever said to me," he says, voice thick. He traces my jaw with his lips until he's at my ear. "I'll make you feel so good that you won't have a choice but to be mine."

He kisses me hard and slides his hands under my shirt and over my stomach. He pulls the cotton up until I lift my arms so he can take it off.

My back arches as his arm comes around me. His wet tongue drags from the skin above my waistband to my right breast. He cups it and pulls my hard nipple into his mouth.

"I've always loved how hard these get for me," he says, his voice vibrating against my sensitive skin. He bites and pulls, exactly how I like it, continuing on to the other when I get close to climax. I love watching his eyes as he takes my breasts into his mouth—so hooded with lust and control. I can't look away.

He moves his other hand down my stomach, tracing every curve in my body, until he slides it into my shorts. His moan as he finds that I didn't put on any panties, make my stomach clench in all the right ways. As he pushes his fingers to part me open, I squirm underneath him.

_Am I really going to do this with him? Am I so deprived that I'm resorting to using the person I claimed I never wanted to see again for sex?_

This didn't work out so well the first time I did it. What makes me think it will work this time? I shake my head and try to move out from under him. This is wrong. In my core, I despise what he did to me. He snakes his hand behind my back and searches my eyes.

"This doesn't have to mean anything, Josie," he says, realizing I'm pulling away. "This is only about you. About making you feel good for one night. This doesn't mean you forgive me or are still in love with me. I get that." He lifts my hips so he can take off my shorts, and I let him. "Let me taste you. You know I can make you forget it all."

Could I do this without falling for him all over again? Can I walk away from this disaster-waiting-to-happen without getting hurt further?

He leans back and roams his eyes down my body, taking in my femininity with a look that makes me melt further into the cushions.  What makes me feel shy and uncomfortable, he thinks is beautiful.

"I want to taste you so fucking bad," he whispers, swallowing hard. He looks back into my eyes, looking for permission.

And I'm fucking weak. I nod my head, and close my eyes. He cups my mound and uses his palm to add the pressure that I've been craving. I gasp and moan at the touch, and his breathing grows louder in unison with mine. He spreads my legs and drapes them over his shoulders.

He wastes no more time teasing me and pushes two fingers into my wet slit. He works them in and out as he moves his head down to press his tongue against my most sensitive spot. I throb against him and when I'm close to the peak of ecstasy, I push his head further into me and grind against his mouth. He sucks my clit between his teeth and nibbles it lightly, making my eyes roll to the back of my head and cry out as I let go.

Before he can wipe his mouth, I grab him and bring his mouth to mine, tasting my excitement on my tongue.

He pulls back and smiles down at me. "You taste even better than I remembered. Dreams don't do you justice." He moves us so we're both on our sides and cradles me against his chest.

"You dream about me?" I ask softly, closing my eyes and reveling in the numbness my body now feels.

"Almost every night. I try to drink it away, but I feel like the earth is trying to punish me with the constant reminder of what we could've had. No amount of alcohol can take you out of my head. You've ruined me."

I smile sadly into his chest understanding that feeling very well. The keepsake in my side table haunts me no matter how many times I think I'm getting better. The stars at night are a shining reminder of my lost best friend miles away. Yes, I can sympathize with unwanted reminders.

Weariness starts to consume me and I yawn loudly. "I need to take care of you now," I say sleepily. He chuckles and rubs his hand over my back.

"No, love. That was more than I could've ever asked for. Go to sleep," he whispers, and kisses my head before I let sleep pull me under.

# Chapter 13

### PAST—HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION PARTY

Seth and I had asked our parents to pitch in and throw us a send-off party at a nice restaurant in Raleigh. I wore a red Grecian style dress that had one strap going over my left shoulder, and my hair was in a slightly mussed side bun. I felt beautiful, and I was fully intent on having a good time with my best friend and classmates.

We had about thirty people come to party and I'd hoped that Mark and I would take things a step further than kissing. Despite my creative attempts, we'd never made it past first base.

Seth looked incredibly handsome in black fitted jeans and a black button-down shirt. He was hoping Toni-Ann would let him take her in the bathroom before the night was over—and not for any bodily functions. We weren't the only ones at the restaurant, but that didn't deter us from making it our own. We were having a blast.

Looking for a reprieve from dancing, I told my parents I was going to get a drink. I grabbed a stool at the bar and tried to flag down the bartender for a Coke. Unfortunately, he was slammed and ignored me.

"Here, I'll help. What do you want?" A man in a blue tailored suit slid onto the stool next to me.  His demeanor and clothing screamed wealthy. Brown hair with a few streaks of gray, dark brown eyes, and subtle laugh lines marked him as older, but he was still handsome. I smiled back at him, and gave him my drink order. Amazingly, he flagged the bartender down.

"Thank you so much. That was awesome. I would've been there for like _ever_ if you hadn't gotten that for me. I'm Josie, by the way."

He gave me a charming smile, and took my hand, giving it a lingering kiss. There was something wrong with how it felt. Whether it was his look or the extra few seconds he spent on the kiss, I didn't like it and pulled my hand away. I wasn't looking for a sugar daddy.

"Michael Kasey. You're most certainly welcome. I don't know how they missed you, you're the most beautiful person in here," he said.

_Okay, creeper_.

I indulged him with a fake smile, and moved to leave, but not before he placed his hand on my thigh and rubbed it roughly against the light fabric of my dress.

I tensed, knowing in that moment it had been a bad idea to let this stranger help me. The audacity. The presumed authority he seemed to think he had over me... it _scared_ me. He drank the rest of his glass, full of dark brown liquor, and pressed a little harder on my thigh.

I panicked. I couldn't think, and my heart started pounding in fear. I swallowed my trepidation and tried to pull away, but his hand remained on my leg.

"Well, thanks again, but I better be going back to my party."

"That's your party over there? Not too many chaperones are there? Busy. You should be careful about who you meet. You're very very pretty," he said calmly, a slight twinge of menace in in his tone. I shivered and pulled away.

"Don't touch me ever again, pervert," I said with as much force as my shaking voice could handle. I pulled away from his hold.

The sigh of relief I let out once I was out of his grip was short-lived. I was shocked to stone by what I saw next. On my way back to the party, I spotted Mark leaning against the wall by the bathrooms, talking with someone.

The man he was with was big and muscular. Older and wearing the bar's uniform. I slid against the wall to get a better sight of them. Suddenly, the older guy pushed Mark against the wall and started kissing him. What shocked me even more was that Mark seemed to like it.

_What the hell? How the fuck did I miss that? You'd think me of all people would have better gaydar._

I found Seth letting Toni Ann grind her small ass against him, but I had to talk to him, so I didn't care about interrupting him. I grabbed his arm and pulled him back toward the bathrooms.

"Guess what I just saw."

"I don't know, but it better be good. I almost had that girl ready to go," he said.

I rolled my eyes and made a gagging sound. "Blah. Thanks for the image." He smirked and leaned against the back wall. "Anway... I just saw Mark making out with this huge burley man."

I waited with my mouth open, eyes wide, expecting shock from him. That isn't what I got. I got a fit of laughter instead.

"What are you laughing for? I just saw the guy I've been making out with for the past couple years going at it with a _guy_! A freakin' dude!" It took him a minute before he calmed down enough to get out a coherent sentence.

"Oh Pussycat, in those two years has he ever tried to have sex with you?" I shook my head. Not once.  I always thought he was being a gentleman. "Well there you go, pretty girl. No guy our age would have you humping him in your room and not even try to make a move. Hell, even _I_ get hard around you. And you're my best friend, practically a sister."

"Ew Seth, I didn't need to know that." He pursed his lips and looked down briefly. I pointed an accusing finger at him. "You could've told me, you know. I wasted all that time." I lost my train of thought, putting the pieces together. How could I have missed all of that? Seth chuckled and patted my head.

"Right, I'll let you go over what you missed. I'm going to convince that girl to fuck me in the bathroom. I'll see you out there." He turned and left for the ballroom.

I went to the water fountain to get a drink of water. A simple action. One everyone does at some point in their life.

I didn't realize then that I would regret turning my back to a hallway for the rest of my life. I heard a door open, and before I could even register what was happening, someone grabbed me from behind.

An arm wrapped around my stomach, the other pushed me toward the back exit. I should've taken those two seconds when he didn't have his hand around my mouth to scream, but I was too shocked. When I finally did open my mouth, his hand was there in an instant, squelching my desperate cry. I thrashed and kicked him from behind. I squirmed. I cried. I clawed. I tried to punch. I tried to bite. But I couldn't escape.

He took me to the darkest part of the alley behind the restaurant, to the place where a piece of my soul would soon die. He toyed with me, letting me fight, but never land a blow. Cat and mouse. Play with the food until it's too weary to fight any longer and then devour it whole. I was the prey.

He turned me around, and I immediately recognized the man at the bar, a look of pure hatred in his eyes. He'd told me to be careful and I wasn't. I was stupid. I walked into his trap. His brown eyes screamed immoral, and I knew then that I wasn't going to make it out alive.

With a hand around my throat, stopping my screams, he pushed my dress up to my neck.

"You make a noise, and I won't let you get out of this alive. No one is coming for you, sweetheart," he growled. He shoved me back against the brick wall. My bare skin scraped against the brick and blood trickled down my raw skin.

_He won't let me live either way_.

I suffocated under his firm grip. My vision blurred, but I could still feel every disgusting thing he did. The brutal way he ripped off my panties, the rough hand, and the press of his disgusting body. He wasn't a man, he was a monster.

"I have a knife in my pocket, so when I take my hand off your throat, you better remember that I have no problem killing you before I fuck you."

He sneered at me as if I was the vile one. Even after his hand fell away, I couldn't speak, my voice too hoarse from the bruises he'd left around my throat. His eyes lit with amusement at my failed attempt. My hands were pinned over my head, and the clink of his buckle opening echoed in my ears.

_I'm going to throw up!_

The unmistakable sound of his zipper would haunt me for the rest of my life, because it heralded the real pain. He pulled himself out of his pants and situated himself in front of me. First he grabbed my breast so hard, I knew it would bruise, and then he grabbed himself.

I tried my hardest to scream out from the pain when he shoved himself into me, but nothing came out. Nothing was more discouraging than having the opportunity to scream, but being too raspy to make a sound.

I ripped open, physically and mentally. My scream wasn't loud enough.

He was right. No one would come for me. Every vile inch of him stole more of my innocence. Tears streamed down my face. Every thrust caused his nostrils to flare, his eyes to widen, and spit to foam in his mouth.

No words could ever describe the minutes that passed while he assaulted me. There were tears from me and animalistic sounds from him... but there was so much more than that.

There was the burn of him tearing my insides apart. The drowning sound of death as it beckoned me to let go. The scraping of skin against the wall. The feel of blood running down my back and between my legs. The sound of a belt buckle clanging from his attack. The sound of his revolting skin hitting mine. The feel of vomit rising to my throat. My heartbeat thudding in my ears like ocean waves crashing along the shore.

But standing there helplessly, the most shattering sound to hear was the cracking of my soul as I gave up. Terror, brokenness, revulsion, and fear had killed me.

He grunted loudly as his semen spewed and he pulled out abruptly. I was going to pass out any minute. I couldn't handle the pain. My blood and his semen dripped between my legs, and even though he was done, I still wasn't safe. He was going to torture me until I died.

"You're a fucking tease. You disgusting bitch!" He spat on me, and tears continued to stream down my face. "You did this to yourself," he growled. He tightened his hand back at my throat before pulling me away from the wall.

He grabbed my hair, shoved me to the ground, and forced himself into me again. He kept his hand on my throat to obstruct my breathing. I threw up and the lack of air and the vomit made me choke. His dark brown eyes, filled with murderous rage, haunted me, tattooing a permanent shadow on my soul.  I was going to die. I was losing focus, and I was seconds from slipping away from the world forever.

He was so focused on ruining me that he didn't see my avenging angel come out the back door. The look on my savior's face screamed vengeance. I could be saved.

# Chapter 14

### PAST—JUNIOR YEAR

"Seth saved me."

I tried not to reflect on the feelings I experienced that night. There was the immediate scare of being attacked from behind, the actual rape, the relief I felt when Seth came to save me, and the sickness I felt from being defiled.

After the attack, I'd shut down. Even when I started counseling, I never revealed the details. Why bring more grief to this world? Seth knew a little—only because he'd seen the end—but that was it.

I wasn't going to tell Blake either until I saw the look on his face.  We hadn't uttered any declarations of love, but something was formulating that made me feel at peace talking about it with him.

Anger pulsed behind his eyes, his need to protect washed over me, and he pleaded without saying a word. So I let myself finally confide in someone.

I didn't need to go into many details. The abridged version was gruesome enough. I was raped at my graduation party, my virginity stolen, and I almost slipped behind the veil of death.

I had hoped my opening up to Blake would form a bond and trust between us. One where I could finally feel at peace with who I was. One where I could be loved still as the girl he dated for seven months instead of being defined by one tragedy in my life.

"What happened to him?" he ground out when I fell silent.

"Seth beat the shit out of him, but I didn't find out about that until later because the last thing I remember before I passed out was Seth throwing him off of me and vomiting again. There was no denying the DNA evidence on me, and the fact that Seth had witnessed it, so he went to jail. He was guilty of first degree rape and got enough time that I don't think I'll ever have to worry about seeing him again. The justice system can't take back what happened, but I'm glad he's locked up. And I'm glad I didn't have to see him during the trial."

Blake let out a jagged sigh, and sat up on the bed. He pulled his knees in and put his hands in his hair. There wasn't much hair to play with, but he managed to make it messy anyway. He looked at me, and there was so much sadness in his eyes.

That wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want secrets between us. I wanted him to understand, not hold back from me. Even Seth held back from me, though he would never admit it. I didn't want Blake to be that kind of person too. I needed to feel like every other normal girl.  I wasn't a delicate doll who couldn't be touched.

"Look, Blake, I didn't tell you so you could pity me. I told you because I feel unbelievably comfortable with you. There's something different about our relationship. Please don't let this change anything." I took a deep breath and looked down at my hands, twisting them as the memories made my chest ache. "I went through my period of grief, and I don't need to be treated like I can't handle you. I don't want to be the girl you're too gentle with because I went through a traumatic experience. I want something _real_. If you can't do that, then I just made a huge mistake telling you."

_Real._ Such a misguided word for a confused and tortured girl. No matter how ridiculous, it was what I wanted.

He untangled himself, and faced me, his expression so serious I had no idea what he was going to say next.

"Jo, I... I can't stand the thought of someone using any kind of force to hurt you in any way. It's killing me that someone as amazing as you had something that terrible happen to you. More important, it's _killing_ me that I don't have a chance to kill that man with my bare fucking hands!" His hands reached out to hold mine. "Don't mistake my sadness for not wanting you Josie, because you couldn't be more wrong. I love how strong you are. I love how you're living your life without letting that bastard keep his hold on you. I'm sad that you had something taken away from you that you can't get back. You deserve so much better than that." He reached for my face, placed his forehead against mine, and breathed heavily.

"I'm not sad that you told me," he continued softly. "I won't let it change us. You have full control of us, baby, and if you're okay with me touching you the way I like to, then I won't hold back. You deserve the best, and I plan on giving it to you. I love you, Josie Lynn, more now than I ever thought possible. I will always make sure every touch you feel from me is the realest and best thing you have ever experienced," he promised.

No man had ever loved me romantically before. I've been in love but never loved in return. Finally, I was experiencing what it felt like. My heart felt like it was begging to come out of my chest and connect with his.

In that moment, nothing else mattered. I wanted to say something, or do something, but his hand on my back and the shivers that raced down my body kept me immobile.

"Does this feel real, Jo?" he asked in a whisper before brushing his lips against the side of my mouth.  He continued to trace my neck with one hand and gripped the side of my hip with his other. "Don't mistake my self-control for not wanting to fuck you, because that couldn't be further from the truth." He hovered his lips over mine; desire thrummed in the one centimeter that separated us.

"I love you, Blake," I whispered. My lips grazed his while I spoke, making me gasp from the shock.

He made me feel like he lived and breathed for that kiss—like his life depended on it. Our tongues were slow dancing to the music our hearts were singing. He laid me back onto the bed while he continued to tell me how much he loved me with his lips.

I loved him. For being him. For understanding me. For still wanting me. He moved his hands from my face and traced them down my sides until they reached the bottom of my pajama top. Slipping his hands underneath, he rubbed his thumbs over my rib cage. The sensation was so intense I started shaking in anticipation.

He pulled away from me, lust and need calling to me in those dark brown eyes. There was something more. Something I couldn't place, but he ground his hips against me and I no longer cared.

"I want to show you how much I love you, Josie," he said softly.

"Yes," I whispered.

I needed him to show me. I needed him to show me he still wanted me, knowing that I'd been ruined by someone else. I needed to feel him touch me with pure passion and not trepidation. He moaned lightly before he dipped his head to my stomach.

Kisses trailed easily across my belly, and when he got to my ribs, he sat back up and pulled me to him. He kissed me briefly, and then removed my top so I was exposed to him. The look on his face told me how much he loved what he saw, which made me want him even more. My thick hair sprang free with his tug on my hair tie and cascaded down to the middle of my back. The sight of him tenting the front of his shorts gave me a little thrill.

"Words can't describe how stunning you look right now. A goddess has nothing on your beauty, Josie," he said softly before pulling me to him so he could get his mouth on me again.

His words meant more than he could ever understand. I reached my hands under his shirt and his stomach muscles tightened under my touch. Fire scorched my skin wherever our skin met. I tugged at his shirt until he pulled away and took it off. We fell back down on the bed, breathing raggedly, and I relished in the feel of his bare chest heaving against mine. I couldn't stop moving my hands over him.

His tongue moved from my mouth to my neck.  I should've been embarrassed by my uncontrolled whimpers, but I loved him and didn't care. He moved down my clavicle and slid his teeth across the bone. I shivered underneath him, goose bumps spreading across my legs and arms. My breasts were heavy with desire, my nipples taut with need for him to pull them into his mouth. He cupped both breasts, rubbing one hardened nipple with his thumb and sucking the other one into his mouth to trace it with his tongue. Thank god my parents' bedroom was on the other side of the house.

He pushed his hips into my core with a moan. A hard bite of his teeth sent a shock of pleasure through me. I never thought I'd love that so much.  His beautiful chocolate eyes looked at me to make sure that he wasn't being too rough, and I replied by arching my back and chest up to his mouth. He did it again, and didn't hold back after that. The little bit of pain spurred me on, made me throb for him. I was close to begging.

"Oh god, Blake," I moaned. My hips moved of their own accord, desperate to relieve the pressure in my core.

"You're going to make me come before I even get inside of you if you keep making those sexy little noises," he groaned against my body.

I was soaked and wriggled when he tugged off my pants. "These need to come off," he said hoarsely. The pretty pink panties were suddenly gone and the evidence of my need for him coated his fingers.

He lowered his head, and kissed the top of my mound tenderly. Lower, deeper, he dipped his tongue between my folds and licked the length of me. I closed my eyes and fell back against my pillows as he stuck a finger inside of me and massaged my clit with his tongue. I was mewling like a cat, helpless to the licks, sucks, and strokes of his fingers.

"I can't hold it any longer, Blake," I moaned.

"Don't hold it, baby, I need to taste you."

The orgasm rushed toward me.

"Look at me, Jo. I need to see you lose your control."

I stared into the deep umber eyes, giving him as much of my heart as I could possibly offer. We didn't need any words in those seconds before I exploded against his mouth. He lapped up every bit of me, which did nothing to calm me down. With one last gentle kiss, he slid up to look at me.

"I love watching you come apart underneath me," he said before I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him to me. I could taste my own arousal in his mouth and it made me even more excited. I ground my hips against his as we kissed. There was a part of me that needed more. I needed everything.

"I need you inside me, Blake. I can't take it any longer."

"You're so fucking sexy," he said, breathing heavily. He leaned back to pull off his shorts, but I moved his hand so I could take them off instead. He was hard and desperate, a god sitting before me. His body glistened with a thin layer of sweat. The sight of his hard cock had me salivating. Every part of my body called out for him.

I felt him nudge against my entrance, but he didn't push further, covering my face with small kisses.  I was about to start begging him when he bolted up.

"What the hell?"

"Just need to get a condom first, love," he said. _Oh, duh!_

"Um, I'm on birth control and I've been checked for diseases. I'm clean, I've only been with one other person besides . . . Anyway, he and I used a condom and I still got checked out again. I'm good." I should've just shut up. I ruined the moment. He grabbed my chin gently and forced me to look at him.

"I've never done it without one. I get checked in my physicals anyway, and I'm good too." He leaned back down and looked at me. "I love you so much, Josie. If you're sure, then I would love to be inside of you with no barriers." He didn't move as he waited for my answer.

This would set our relationship apart from anything I ever had with Seth. I wanted it to be different. _Needed_ this to be different.

"Yes. I want that."  I ran my hands up his chest and he kissed me again. There was nothing holding us back. His eyes never left mine. It was as if the world stopped when he finally pushed himself in me. We both held our breath for a minute before he pushed all the way in, causing us both to moan in pleasure. In that moment, I felt whole.

"Oh god, Jo. You feel so amazing," he said, his voice rough. He cradled my head in his hands, and I wrapped my arms and legs around him. When he started moving inside of me, I couldn't believe how exhilarating it was. Every moan, groan, and whisper of my name from Blake turned me on even more.

"Oh... Blake...."

I had never felt so amazing. Ever. I was close. He watched my every facial expression with rapt attention. Every emotion he felt was displayed vividly in the way he made love to me.

"Josie, oh god... you feel so good."

"I'm going to come, Blake," I gasped and tightened my legs around him. I clawed at his back as he bucked harder against me.

"Eyes open, love," he ordered. I obeyed, and the look in his face as he watched me sent me over the brink. I yelled out in pure delirium, feeling my insides clench around him as I let go. He ate up my cries with his mouth and moaned with me.

I loved every fucking second of watching him let go. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against mine. We breathed each other in as we tried to calm down.

"You are so perfect," he said. Cradled to his chest, I believed him. "You amaze me, Josie. I'm completely yours." I had never felt more content than in that moment.

"I love you, Blake," I whispered.

"I love you, Josie," he whispered back.

# Chapter 15

### PAST—JUNIOR YEAR

The rest of the week flew by.

We expressed in many different ways just how much we loved each other and every night he held me in his arms whispering his secrets, wishes, and stories of his life. I whispered back about my fears, dreams, and fantasies.

He sat with me for hours and listened to me talk about the books I read or was reading, smiling and asking questions at all the right moments. Every cuddle, whispered secret, and stolen kiss made me fall in love with him even more.

We all visited George, and he seemed to be recovering well. He looked the same he always did, but the fragility of being in the hospital bed with monitors hooked to him was evident. He joked around with Blake and me and it made me feel better knowing that the heart attack didn't ruin the man I knew growing up.

I didn't see Seth much during the rest of the week, but I didn't experience the usual pain I felt when he wasn't around.  I was so captivated by Blake and spending time with my dads that I didn't feel his absence as strongly as I used to.

I'd kept my vow to focus on Blake, and felt like I had mostly moved on from what Seth and I had. Seth was busy helping out on his parents' farm anyway, so I knew he wouldn't have time for me.

He did meet us in the hospital one day and he knew early on that something had changed between Blake and me. Seth couldn't even look at me. A nod in the direction of the hall was all I needed to follow him.

"You love him?" he asked softly, looking at the ground. He looked up at me and I was surprised to see sadness in his blue-green eyes. "You fell in love with him, didn't you? And you told him everything." I didn't know if Blake and I seemed closer or if Blake slipped out an "I love you" too loudly, but Seth knew. The look on Seth's face begged for a denial.

"Yes. I love him. And yes, he knows. I told him everything, and he still told me he loves me. He's a good boyfriend."

"There's nothing not to love about you, Josie," he said tenderly, embracing me. His hug was abrupt, much shorter than normal. "I'm happy you're happy, Pussycat. I'm gonna be helping out my dad, so I'll see you back at school next week. I love you," he said, ready to end the conversation.

"Thanks, Seth. I love you too. Let me know if you need anything." His smile wasn't enthusiastic, but he gave one to me anyway. The tick in his jaw as he walked briskly down the hallway was the only visible clue to his anger.

Blake seemed to grow on my dads with each day that passed. Blake got along best with Daddy. They played chess, Scrabble and talked about architecture for hours. I didn't mind, since it gave me more time to work on the car and spend time with Dad.

Halfway through the week, Dad started asking more questions about Blake, which I took as a good sign.

"You seem to be very taken by this boy. Is he being good to you?" he asked.

"Yeah, Dad. I didn't think I'd be able to connect with any guy the way I have with him. I told him everything."

"Everything?" he asked, raising his brows at me.

"Yeah." It was a pretty big deal. "I mean I didn't go into all the gory details, but he knows I was raped. I haven't found anyone I felt like I could talk to about it, but he made me feel comfortable about it all. He's nice. Sweet." I shrugged. "He makes me feel special. It's nice to be loved."

"Yeah, well.... if that boy hurts you, I won't go easy on him. I promise you that, Josie Bean." We went back to work on the car, but I couldn't help smiling at his proclamation. He _did_ like him.

Every night, I made Blake watch a movie in the Harry Potter series. By the third night, he was hooked. He even teared up a few times. Of course when I called him out for it, he attacked me by tickling me all over. My sides were killing me from laughing so hard. He made it worse by holding me down on the bed and giving me wet slobbery kisses all over my face while I tried my hardest to stop him.

At the end of the week, while Daddy and I were cooking, he decided it was his turn to give the "dad talk" about boys. Only his was a little different than Dad's.

"Do you love that boy, Josie Bean?" he asked while I chopped an onion.

I couldn't help my smile. "I love him, Daddy. He's the perfect boyfriend. He makes me laugh. We never argue. He thinks I'm beautiful. He's always doing sweet things for me. I don't know... I feel like he's exactly what I needed." I shrugged and went back to chopping. Blake was comfortable and normal in a world that had become messy for me.

"Well, good, because if you didn't, I was sure to fall in love with him soon," he said, fanning his face and winking at me. "He really is a good man, Josie. I can see how much he loves you with a single look. It's how I used to look at your dad when we first fell in love. He looks at you like he can't live without you. Like it would be taking away his very breath if you were gone. He breathes you in with every hug and kiss. That's not easy to come by."

Warmth spread through my chest. "He's pretty great," I said. Daddy smiled at me, happy that I had found someone who could make me feel cherished, safe, and loved.

Daddy came up next to me and leaned against the counter. "And by the way, you might want to be a little quieter during your nightly rendezvous," he whispered. I immediately reddened at his comment. "Your Dad has about had a heart attack from wanting to go in there and kill him every night this week," he said, chuckling.

"Oh. My. God. I can't believe you guys heard us. I swear I thought we were far enough away." I would've put my head in my hands to hide from the embarrassment I felt if I didn't have onion juice all over them.

"Yeah well, I can handle your Dad, but you could make it easier by keeping the volume down some." He laughed and went back to his cooking.

That night Blake and I made love as quietly as we could, but he still had to cover my mouth with his every time he gave me an orgasm. Those moments made our connection even more intimate, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

On the last night at my house, Blake and I watched the final Harry Potter movie. That one had always been a hard one for me because it wasn't just the end of a movie; it was the end of an era. I cried every time I watched it. Blake was leaning on his knees as he watched the end. When it ended, and I had tears in my eyes, he looked over at me and gave me a sad smile. He shook his head.

"I don't understand why they had to kill off all those people. They were basically the only family he had, and they killed them off like it was nothing. I don't get it," he said.

"I guess not everything has a perfect happy ending." I shrugged. "I mean Harry had his best friends still, and the girl he loved, but not without a lot of trouble getting in the way. Life's not perfect, and I think that's why they made it that way. The road to happiness has to have its bumps." He seemed to contemplate what I had said. Then he shook his head.

"Nah, I just think they're just cruel." He smiled at me and then tackled me back on the bed. "Thanks for making me watch those movies with you. I didn't think I'd like them that much." He nuzzled my ear and neck, placing soft kisses along my jaw. "I love you so much, Josie. This past week has been perfection for me." He leaned up so he could look at me, smiled, and continued, "I love my Ma, but spending time with your family really showed me what a family should be like."

"I love you too, Blake," I whispered back. I think back on the special moments we've created in a week. I compare it to the heartache in my past and I reach up to run my hands over the stubble on his face. " I never thought I could feel this way. I've never been this happy."

He let me top him that night, and I loved watching his face as I moved against him, knowing that it was me who made him pant and moan my name. Eventually he took over and rocked into me, showing me exactly what he could do when he was in control. We came together, and everything felt right. _We_ were right.

# Chapter 16

### PAST—JUNIOR YEAR

The next day, I gave my dads a big hug and thanked them for such a great week. Blake hugged them too and I felt much better going back to school knowing that they both approved of him.

We still had almost another week before the break ended, so we planned on staying with his mom. It was my turn to be nervous. She was the most important woman in his life, and I wanted to make sure she approved of me.

We held hands on the two-hour drive and sang random songs on the radio together. He teased me and tickled my side every time I put my bare feet on his dashboard and left foot prints on the window. I was _ruining his baby_ , or so he said.

When we pulled up to his mom's house, I was shocked at how beautiful it was. The white paint sparkled and rusty red shutters lined all of the windows. But it was the wraparound porch that really called to me. The house was freaking huge.

"She wants me to add onto the house when I start up my business," Blake said when he saw me gaping. I turned to him, shocked.

"Really? It's perfect. I love that porch. I can just imagine all the books I'd read on a porch like that." He ginned at that, and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

"I'll add it to the list of requirement, then," he said, tugging on my hand and leading me to the front door.

"Ma! We're here," he yelled as we walked in. The house was just as impressive inside as out. It was decorated with antique furniture and beautiful knickknacks, but it felt lonely. Such a big home with no kids or family around had to feel empty.

An older woman, about an inch shorter than me, hurried toward us. Her dark brown hair was streaked with gray and her blue eyes were stunning. Pudgy in the best way, she looked amazing and when she turned her welcoming smile on me, I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh Blake! I'm so glad you're home." She pulled him down so she could wrap him in her arms. She pulled back, and I saw tears welling in her eyes. She wiped them and looked over to me.

"Well, now. Aren't you just the prettiest girl I have ever laid eyes on? Good _ness_ , your skin is amazing. I wish I was able to tan like that."

I laughed at her candor. "I'm half Filipino, so I cheated," I said with a smile.

Blake snaked his arm around my waist and pulled me to his side. His hand played with the bottom of my hair. "Ma, this is the girl I've fallen madly in love with. This is Josie. Josie, this is my Ma, Joyce." His mom stared at me and back at him. There was something in her look that I didn't understand. Shock? Surprise? I couldn't tell.

"You did good, son. Come on you two, let's go sit and talk."

She led us to the sitting area that felt way too beautiful to sit down in. Blake came from money, and it showed in every crevice of this house. Old and worn-out was what I was used to. Seth and I used the same bean bag chair for ten years before it busted all over my room.

"Where's Brandon?" Blake asked when we sat down.

"Oh you know him;" she said waving a hand in his direction. "He couldn't stand to stay with his mother that long so he took off a couple days ago. Said he was going to hang out with a friend back at school." She turned to me and her eyes landed on the ring on my right hand. "Okay, first thing's first. Let me see that ring my son was telling me he was designing."

I smiled at Blake and held out my hand so she could examine the exquisite ring.

"Isn't he amazing?" she asked. "You must be somethin' really special to him." She had a much more prominent twang than Blake did, and I loved listening to her talk. Blake's accent was barely noticeable.

We did the typical get-to-know-each-other banter, discussing school, life, my family. She seemed to hang on to every word I told her and I enjoyed the conversation. She had just asked Blake about his business when a beautiful, tall, long-legged blonde came walking in.  She was stunning. Like, model stunning.

"I _thought_ I heard your sexy voice, Blake Porter, but I had to come out here to see for myself." Her southern drawl was even stronger than Joyce's and she leaned in to hug Blake.

It wasn't a casual hug... Nope. Not at all. Jealousy reared its head. He was _my_ man. Not hers. It also didn't help that she ignored me as she shamelessly put her hands all over Blake's chest. She finally spared me a glance, and walked over to me with her hand outstretched.

"I'm Alice Cornwell, and you _are?_ " she asked as if I shouldn't be sitting with Blake.

"I'm Josie Sommers. Blake's _girlfriend_ ," I replied, looking her straight in the eyes. There better be no mistake about who Blake belonged to. I could see the challenge in her eyes, but she shook it off before anyone else noticed. She gave me a big smile and turned to Blake.

"Now, how come I didn't know you were dating somebody?" she asked, playfully slapping his arm. The touch was definitely unnecessary and it made anger and jealousy swirl in my stomach. Blake came over to sit with me again, and Alice followed way too closely.

"I'm sorry, dear," Joyce said quietly as Blake explained how we had met to Alice. She patted my knee, "What did you say your last name was?"

"Um, it's Sommers, why?" I was trying to focus on Alice and her wandering hands, but I knew I shouldn't be rude to Blake's mother, either.

"Oh, Blake never mentioned it before. Thought I may have recognized that name," she wondered aloud. She looked pensive as she stared at the other side of the room. She started shaking her knee and seemed lost in thought.

"Oh, well my Dad owns an auto shop and I used to help him out there all the time. Sommers' Auto. Maybe you had to get your car fixed there?"

"Yes, dear. I think that's exactly what it was. I remember my car broke down around where Blake said you're from." Blake turned and creased his eyebrows.

"I don't remember that," Blake said, finally pulling himself out of the bubble he and Alice had made and turning back to me and his mom. My hand immediately went to his upper thigh and rubbed him in hopes to get rid of the lingering touch from that blond bitch.

Was it a little extreme to be calling one of Blake's friends a bitch so soon? Sure. But I didn't care.

"Oh that was some time ago, dear. You wouldn't remember. Hmm isn't it funny how we probably crossed paths at one point in your life before you two ever met?"

Blake placed his hand over mine as Alice rambled on about something I would never care about. He leaned in closer to me, his mouth next to my ear.

"You better have something planned for what you're doing to me with your hand," he said. I turned to him slightly and smiled.

"I might... I might not," I teased. He groaned softly before returning his mouth to my ear.

"You be careful teasing me, love. I hold all your pleasure in my hands and mouth," he quipped.

_Ugh_. Why'd he have to be so sexy and shit? He kissed the side of my neck, and I couldn't stop the moan from coming out of my mouth. I tried coughing to cover up my noise, and Blake laughed at me.

Alice pinned me with a glare while still managing to hold a conversation with Joyce. They were talking about people I didn't know, so I sat back on the couch, continuing to rub Blake's thigh. Joyce eventually interrupted Alice and asked Blake to help her make some tea for everyone in the kitchen, leaving Alice and me alone.

"So..." I started, finding some sort of courage to talk to this stranger. "How do you and Blake know each other?"

"Oh, he didn't tell you? I'm shocked!" She gasped, resting her hand over her heart. "We used to date. High school sweethearts and all." She said it with a wistful look in her eyes, clearly enjoying being the one to tell me.

How could he go from her to me? We were nothing alike. And why had he told me he didn't like to date, if he did back in high school?

I was suddenly ready to end the conversation. All the confidence I had flew out the window as doubt crept in.

"Oh, don't worry sweetheart," Brooke continued, picking up on my weakness. "We broke up because he wasn't faithful... you know how boys are." She rolled her eyes. "We stayed friends though. Every time he comes home, we like to hang out. I help his mom with the garden out back, so that's why I was here today."

I didn't know whether to be relieved or worried. I nodded my head and we sat there in silence for a few minutes before she took off back to where she came from.

Joyce and Blake were taking a while, so I got up to search for them. I was startled when I heard an unfamiliar sound--Blake yelling. In eight months, I'd never heard him yell.  His anger shocked me, and I leaned against the wall and kept myself hidden.

"What the _fuck_ , Ma!"

"Do you not pay attention to anything?" I heard her ask, clearly baffled.

"No, I don't fucking pay any attention to his goddamn life! This can't be fucking happening!" I winced when I heard a thud, like he hit something. His mom said something else, but it was too quiet for me to hear.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I can't..." he broke off, and I thought I may have heard a cry or sob come from him. Blake was a strong man, he wouldn't cry. His mother tried to comfort him and I stood there feeling useless.

"He ruins fucking everything good in the world. God _dammit!_ " Another thud, and I winced again. I had never seen or heard this part of him and I didn't know what to think of it. I heard him stomping and I tried to turn back before he caught me snooping, but I wasn't quick enough. The look on his face was pure rage when he saw me.

"Did you hear that?" he demanded, pointing to the kitchen. I flinched slightly and shook my head.

"No... I... um... I heard you yelling, but I didn't hear what was wrong. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to snoop," I said.

But of course, I did. I _really_ freaking wanted to know what the hell could make this man who was so calm spiral out of control. He touched my face gently and laid his forehead against mine.

"I love you, Josie. No matter what, just remember that I love you. Okay?"

"Yes, Blake. I know you do. I love you, too," I reassured him. I wanted to kiss him and make everything okay, but he pulled back abruptly and nodded his head.

"Ok, good. Now, where's Alice?"

I furrowed my brows in confusion but pointed in the direction Alice had gone. I was hurt when he immediately turned to leave. Was he going to confide in her instead of me?

I didn't understand what was happening, but I didn't have much time to reflect because Joyce came walking out of the room with tears streaking down her face. She saw me, wiped her face, and wrapped an arm around my shoulders to lead me back toward her living room.

"Seeing your child hurting will never get easier," she said, shaking her head. She must've noticed my confusion, because she squeezed me tightly. "Don't worry dear; we're having some family issues right now. He'll tell you when he's ready. You love my boy don't you, Josie?"

"Of course. I want to make sure he's okay."

"Good, good. Don't forget that you love him. Only him. Okay, dear?"

Such a strange request, but I nodded my head anyway. Every fiber of my being told me that Blake shouldn't be with Alice, but how was I going to stop him? Finally, Blake came walking back in, Alice right behind him. It took all my willpower to stay put. He knelt down in front of us, and I could see the storm raging behind his brown eyes.

"Ma, take care of Josie tonight. I don't know when I'll be back, but I need to leave for a little bit. Okay? Watch some movies together or read a book or something."

I was shocked. His eyes refused to meet mine. Why was he leaving me? Why was he going with _Alice_ and leaving me here?

"Oh, Josie and I will be fine. You be careful, son," Joyce said.

It wasn't fine at all. Blake ignored the shake of my head and rose.

"Okay. Don't wait up," he said briskly, turning and walking out the front door, Alice in tow.

I hurt. My heart hurt. My chest hurt. My throat hurt. My head hurt. I couldn't focus on anything that night. Joyce tried her hardest to keep my mind off what was going on. She made me help her cook, but I was too distracted by doubt that Blake would even be back for dinner.

She made me sit and watch Footloose with her. I tried to read, but I couldn't focus on what I was reading. So the only thing I could do was sit on a stranger's couch and wait for the man I loved to come home. I replayed the scene from earlier over and over in my head, but nothing clicked.

My anxiety got so bad at one point that I had to excuse myself to the bathroom in order to calm down. I told myself everything would be okay. He would explain what happened, and then we would be okay. I had to believe we would be fine.

Joyce received a couple of phone calls and excused herself from my company for a few minutes each time. My phone remained silent.

"Okay, dear. I talked to Blake and he said he wants you to take the guest room that's down the hall. I can take you to it, if you want. I'm about to go to bed. I can't stay up as late as I used to," she said with a smile.

All I heard was _he doesn't want you in his room_. It felt like someone had stabbed a knife right in my chest.

"You talked to him? What did he say? Where is he? Is he coming back?" I needed to know. I needed to know why he couldn't talk to me, and why he went out with his ex.

"Honey, he needs to work some things out on his own right now. Yes, he will be back tonight. I'm sure of it. And yes, I did talk to him briefly. He's safe, and he wanted to make sure you were okay. He told me to let you sleep in the guest room since he won't be home until later. Now, come on, I'll show you to your room."

I had no intention of staying in that room if he wasn't there. I didn't want to miss him coming home. Blake took his car, which had all my things in it anyway, so it wasn't like I could get comfortable. She left me alone and as soon as I heard her go upstairs, I went back into the living room.

When Blake finally did walk in the door, I realized it didn't matter if I had been in that bed because the whole house could have heard him. He was drunk, and Alice had her hands all over him, trying to keep him steady.

"Oh my god," I whispered. I had never seen him that drunk before. It wasn't something I ever wanted to see again, either. He must have heard me, because his fallen head shot up and he looked right at me. A swirl of emotion passed through his eyes: sadness, love, hatred, anger, but ultimately settled with sadness. Alice said something about getting him some water, and dumped him in the chair opposite me.

"You're supposed to be in bed, love," he slurred.

"I wanted to see you. Make sure you were okay. _Are_ you? Are you okay?" I asked sitting up and leaning toward him.

"No. I'm not okay, but seeing my beautiful girl sure does make me happier," he said. I wasn't sure if he meant me or Alice, but I didn't want to entertain the idea that he meant her. I took a closer look at his face. Dried blood stained his lip and the corner of his nose. His right eye was blackened and swollen.

"Blake! Oh my god! What happened?" I touched his face gently. He grabbed my hands and kissed them before pushing me away from him. The joy at the brief touch faded too quickly at his rejection.

"You're a fucking angel, Josie. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve for you to touch me."

"No, Blake, that's not true. You--"

His strong voice cut me off. " _Don't_ , Josie. Don't try to make me feel better right now. You don't fucking know anything, so you can't decide." He said it forcefully, and I knew I needed to stop trying while he was drunk. I didn't know Blake as well as I thought I did. "Go to bed, love. We're getting up early and taking you back home tomorrow," he said as he got up from his chair.

I was shocked. Alice was standing in the entryway, waiting to take care of _my_ man. I was angry. I was hurt. But most of all, I was fucking confused.

"What do you mean I'm going home tomorrow?" I asked incredulously to his turned back.

"Just what it sounds like, Josie. You can't stay here anymore," he spat, finality lacing every word. He didn't even spare me a glance as he said it, but continued to walk toward Alice, who helped him up the stairs. I didn't move, determined to obtain as much information from Alice as possible before she left.

"Is he okay? What happened?" I asked when she came down. I didn't have much hope of a straight answer, but I was going to try.  She glanced up the stairs and then back at me.

"Don't you worry yourself, sweetheart. He likes to work off his anger on other people's faces sometimes. Actually, it _is_ quite sexy to watch. He'll tell you about it when he's ready, I'm sure." Her smile was probably meant to be reassuring, but I found it devious.

I wanted to take out _my_ anger on _her_ face. I didn't trust her at all, and I really didn't want Blake to be telling _her_ things and not me. She left, and I collapsed on the couch and fell asleep, a splitting headache pounding in my head.

I was jostled awake by the feeling of weightlessness.  Hot lips caressed my neck and a familiar voice rumbled in my ears.

"I love you so much, Josie. I'm so sorry," he whispered. He didn't know I had woken up, so I let him talk to me without fear. A door creaked, and I was placed onto a comfortable mattress. Blake covered me with a blanket, and knelt in front of me.

"I can't lose you," he started whispering again. "I hope one day you'll forgive me." Sweet, loving kisses landed on my head, my cheeks, nose, and lips. He lingered there for a few moments before getting up and walking out the door.

This wasn't supposed to happen with Blake. My heart wasn't supposed to hurt. He was the good boyfriend. The perfect lover. There wasn't supposed to be any drama. What could he be sorry about? The only image I saw before drifting to sleep was the man I'd foolishly let myself fall in love with in the arms of another woman. A blond. Beautiful. Bitch. 

# Chapter 17

### PRESENT—TUESDAY

For the first time in a long time I'm relaxed and content.

Blake moved us to my bedroom and I'm wrapped around him in my bed. He's sleeping peacefully, so I stay put and savor this closeness.

Yesterday I decided to give him the week to show me he loved me and prove that things could work between us, no matter how farfetched it is.

He wants to make me fall back in love with him, but he doesn't know the truth... My heart never truly let go of Seth. Even when he walked away, leaving me broken, my heart was still his. Yes, I'd loved Blake. Still love him. Even when I hated him, I loved him. But I don't know if that love is strong enough to survive. To survive the truth and the betrayal. Everyday life.

Even if I decide I can forgive him, I doubt he'll forgive me.

But I'm selfish. I want to be loved. And Blake still loves me.

I want to feel loved by him one last time. It's a precarious game, but it's worth a try if it means I can feel alive for a brief moment in time.

His eyelids flutter and I smile. I used to love watching him sleep. His arm tightens around my body and he brings me to him, a moan escaping his throat. I'm still naked, and he's only wearing a pair of basketball shorts. His body heat against mine is electrifying.

I take the time to look over his body. Even more defined and muscular than it was back a year ago. Obviously his daily workout routine wasn't affected by our breakup. If anything, it became more intense.

His eyes open all the way and he kisses my nose, making me smile. "Good morning, love," he says groggily. "And might I say, it's most definitely a good day because the woman of my dreams is wrapped around me." He kisses the side of my lips.

I've always admired his confidence.

"Mmm, good morning to you," I say against his mouth.  Being in this bed with him is surreal. He looks at me like I'm the reason the world turns.

"You're so beautiful, Jo." He runs his hands through my tangled bed hair. I shake my head and let out a little huff. "You are. You have no idea just how beautiful you are. Every picture I look at doesn't do you justice. Not when you look like you do right now." He continues to run his hand through my hair and the other one cups my cheek. I lean into him, loving the thrill it gives me to be touched again.

"If I had known that day would have been the last day I saw you, the last time I held you, I would have kept you in bed all day and never left that morning," he whispers. He leans in and kisses my mouth gently. "I would have shown you exactly how much I love you.  I never wanted to lose you, Jo. Please believe that."

I know he wants to talk about everything that happened, but I'm not ready. If we talk about it, then it means I'll have to confess too, and I can't do that. I want to stay in this bubble a little longer before it has to burst again.

"I'm not ready, Blake. I can't talk about it yet. We will, but for the next few days, let me just have you without all of the problems," I plead.

He nods his head and continues placing kisses all over me. His stubble tickles my face, causing me to giggle. He rubs his face all over me until I can't stop laughing.

"Blake!" I yell. "I'll give you anything; just stop prickling me with your beard!" He puts his finger to his mouth as if lost in thought.

"Hmmm, anything?" He ponders. "Okay, then I would love for you to go make me French toast like you used to." I raise my eyebrows at his request.

"What?" he asks innocently, and then pats his hard stomach. "A man has to eat, and you make the best breakfast."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I assumed you would pick something else." I shove his shoulder so I can get up. He stays right where he is.

"I can if that's what you want, Josie," he says, a naughty smile on his face. His eyes turn heated, and I bite my lip to keep him from knowing how easily he makes my breathing unstable. He pulls my lip out from under the assault of my teeth. "Mmm... baby, don't bite your pretty lip."

He leans down and licks the length of my bottom lip very gently before pulling it into his mouth. I try to close my legs because the pressure is so intense and I need some friction, but Blake moves his body between them so I can't move. I groan against his mouth, and feel him smile. He moves his hand in between my legs and cups me, making me gasp.

"This what you need, love?" he asks. I nod my head. I know he sees me, but he pulls back and shakes his head. "No, no, no. I need to hear you say it."

I shake my head. I can make him come to me. I will not give him the satisfaction. He grins at my determination, and raises himself off me.

"All right, Jo. Pretend all you want, but I know you won't be able to resist me by the end of the day," he says with a laugh. "Now go make me my food, wench!"

Everything feels so much like it used to be. It makes me forget the pain, and I grab hold of it as tightly as I can.

I pull on clothes and head downstairs to start breakfast for everyone. My goal is to get Dad to come downstairs today. I'm going back to my apartment tonight and I'm worried about leaving him here alone. I need Dad to prove to me that he'll be okay before I leave. Blake comes up behind me, and I smell his favorite cologne citrus and rain. He nuzzles my neck and I reach back to play with his hair.

"I like this little bit of extra hair," I say as I tug it again. He moves his hand and tugs a strand of mine.

"Keep that up, baby, and I'll have you begging for me within the next five minutes," he says and swats my butt.

"I will never beg for you, Blake Porter; I have too much pride," I say over my shoulder, smug smile on my face.  I finish making breakfast and place it on the table. I'm about to go upstairs to get Dad when Blake grabs my hand and pulls me into his lap.

"You're the most gorgeous girl in the world. Do you know that? Thank you so much for doing this for me," he says. I nudge him and get off his lap, a wave of sadness washing over me. I'm not a good person.

"It's just French toast, Blake. Geesh, you would think I bought you an island," I say, pretending I don't know what he's talking about.

He gives me a small smile, but it's clear he was hoping for a different response. I can't give it to him.

I run upstairs to find my Dad staring into space. I am hit again by our loss. I've had distractions these last couple of days, but he hasn't had anything.

"All right, Dad," I say, opening the curtains. "It's time to get out of bed. Go take a shower and meet me downstairs. We have a lot to do today." He doesn't move.

"I'm not ready, Josie."

My heart constricts. "None of us are ready to move on," I say, sitting on the edge of the bed and grabbing his hand. "But we have to start living again at some point. Daddy wouldn't be okay with this and you know it. I'm not asking you to move on. I'm not asking you to act like you didn't just suffer the biggest loss of your life, but I _am_ asking that you get out of this goddamn bed and spend some time with your daughter before she has to leave tonight." I grab onto his hand and squeeze. "If you don't, then I'll going to pour a bucket of water on you. Don't think I won't."

"Ugh," he grunts, but the hint of a smile means I got through to him a little. He leans in to give me a one armed hug, and I recoil.

"Ew, take a shower first, _please._ You stink, and we have company." I rush back downstairs before he gets the chance to ask who the company is, and stand at the bottom to make sure he gets up. Once I hear shuffling and the water running, I give myself a pat on the back and walk to the kitchen.

"He's in the shower," I say with a triumphant smile.

"You were always good with pep talks. Remember when you gave Dom that pep talk after his girlfriend broke up with him?"

"He needed to get over it." I defend myself.

"I think he did after you slapped him and told him to wake up and look around," he said with a chuckle.

"Yeah well, it was practically a strip club. There was no reason for him to be moping about a girl who was incredibly insane," I say.

I really did slap him that night. Everyone was shocked, but he had a room full of girls checking him out and he was still hung up on a girl who had cheated on him months prior.

Dad walks into the room while we are still laughing and kisses the top of my head, barely sparing Blake a glance. He was really pissed when Blake broke my heart, so I'm not sure how he'll react to Blake being around this week.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, voice deep and intimidating.

"Trying to make things right," Blake says with so much conviction in his voice and eyes.

Dad grumbles and digs into his food. I reach for Blake under the table, and we hold hands while we eat. I remember that first week we stayed together in this house and how this was the place where we finally admitted our feelings for each other. Maybe that's why it feels so good to be here with him, why it feels so easy to go back to the way things were.

I tell Dad to sit in the living room while I do the dishes, and before Blake goes out to join him, he pulls me in for a hug.

"Do you mind hanging out with my dad and me today?" I ask.

"There's nothing I would love more. I just wanted you to know that I love you. Just in case your dad tries to kill me later on in the day," he says with a smile and kisses the tip of my nose. It sends a chill all the way to my toes.

I make a plan while I clean the dishes. I'll make multiple dinners for Dad to eat for the week. With a mental list of all I'll need, I go through the kitchen, hunting for ingredients.

As I move around the kitchen, my mind wanders to what tonight might be like. I'll be going back to my apartment and getting ready for my third graders, but I'll be doing so much more than that. I'll be inviting Blake back to my apartment, a place where we learned how to be together without any interruptions from the outside world. It's the place where we grew from a college couple to more committed adults.

I know in my heart that if I decide to let him walk through that door, everything that I have worked on this past year will be ruined, and it scares me. All the things I tried to do to forget him will be washed away.

I don't want to have to start all over when this sham attempt of reconciliation fails. But if I don't let him walk through my door, then I'll never know what could've happened. I would rather risk another year of recuperation than to never have had the chance to make things work.

When I have the ingredients prepared, I walk into the living room to let them know what I'm planning. They're watching a Fast & Furious movie on TV. Blake's a good guy, and he has this quality that makes it impossible to hate him completely. And my Dad pretty much hates him. I stop before they see me, and eavesdrop on their conversation.

"So what are you going to do to fix this mess?" Dad asks Blake.

"I want to show her how that I'm still in love with her. I want to remind her how good we are together. Most of all, I want her to know how sorry I am that I lied to her," Blake says quietly. I catch a glimpse of him tugging on his hair, something he does when he's upset. Upset he hurt me.

"And why did you lie to her in the first place?"

I can see the turmoil in Blake's eyes as he looks at my dad.

"I didn't want her to have to suffer anymore. I wanted to provide her with a life of happiness so she could forget everything. I didn't want her to view me differently. I swear I loved her more than she could ever understand." He paused and looked down at his hands. "Most of all, I was a fucking coward. I was selfish, and I wanted to keep her no matter how much it could hurt her," Blake says.

The anguish in Blake's face makes my chest ache and my throat tighten. It _was_ selfish of him, but he's right that I was more hurt by the truth than the lie. That's why I always wondered why Daddy was so adamant about telling the truth.

If it hurts the person you love, then is it really worth telling them? He always seemed to think it was, but I've struggled with that advice, knowing how it feels to be on the receiving end of that honesty.

"Will always told me he kind of understood what you were trying to do. He said if you ever came back, we should hear you out at the very least. Between Seth leaving her and your lies, she's barely been living this past year. You're not my top pick for my baby girl, not by a longshot, but you're here. Don't hurt her again."

This was the most I'd heard my dad say in almost two weeks, and I'm even more surprised that he's encouraging Blake. Daddy always seemed to have a soft spot for Blake, so I believe Dad when he says that Daddy tried to get him to give Blake another chance. He was always telling me the same thing, too.

Of course, he was more adamant about me admitting my secret to Blake.

"I'll make things better. No matter what, I won't give up on her and me," Blake says. My Dad nods his head, and they continue watching the movie. I walk in as they start discussing the cars in the film.

"Hey, Dad. I'm about to make some dinners that you can heat up while I'm gone. I had thought we could watch some movies when I was done, but it looks like y'all started without me," I say, putting a hand on my hip in mock annoyance. He pulls my arm until I'm at his level and messes my hair.

"You're too good to me, Josie Bean. We'll be here when you're finished. But don't worry about making too much. I can cook for myself."

"Oh yeah? I recall only Daddy making the food around here. He specifically demanded that you not cook in that kitchen." He chuckles softly at the memory and my heart swells seeing him with a little bit of life.

Blake's voice startles me as I layer my second lasagna an hour into my binge cook fest. "Remember that one time I tried to make you that red velvet cake, because it's your favorite?"

Cooking together had been one of our favorite things to do when I moved into my apartment. He loved me with just-fucked hair and only wearing one of his t-shirts while baking something delicious in the kitchen. He enjoyed the view and the food, and I enjoyed the rewards.

"Yes," I say, groaning. "You were awful! When I walked into the kitchen that night, I swear I thought something had exploded." It was such a mess, but the confused look on his handsome face was all I needed to fall for him all over again.

***

_"I just don't get it," he said. I tried my hardest to hide my smile._

_"I should've bought the damn cake mix box at the store," he grumbled and turned back around to his cake batter. I looked around the kitchen, at the explosion of cocoa and flour clinging to every surface. I wrapped my arms around his bare stomach, rested my cheek against his back, and smiled. Gathering a glob of batter on my finger, I tasted Blake's experiment.  _

_"That's not too bad, baby," I said, trying to console him and holding in a laugh. "It just needs some more sugar to balance out the extra salt." I felt him grab some sugar, and gradually add it to the bowl. I tasted it again. Much better. He turned around to face me, and grinned. I kept my arms wrapped around him and looked up._

_"You think I don't feel you laughing against me, love?" he said, an evil glint in his eyes. I shook my head and tried to get out of his arms, but his hold on me was too strong. He reached behind, and scooped some of the batter into his hand._

_I knew it was about to get messy, so I tried to wriggle free, but he just laughed a fake maniacal laugh and held me to him. He took the batter, and dripped it in the cleavage of my dress, then swiped some on my nose. Needless to say, the kitchen got even messier after that._

_He let me go, and separated the batter into two bowls, initiating a war. Being small had its perks, and I tried to hide in the cabinet, but I was cornered and he opened it up and threw what was left of his batter at me. He won; I was trapped._

_I surrendered, raising my arms as he lifted my dress over my head. When we were naked and covered in the sugary goodness, he stalked up to me and licked from my belly button up to my neck._

_"Never thought you could taste any better," he said into my neck. He lifted me on the counter, and tasted the batter on my thighs and pussy. He licked me clean, and by the time he was done, I was panting with excitement. It didn't take long for me to cry out in pure pleasure when he unleashed his tongue on me._

_Once I calmed down from my orgasm, I hopped off the counter, and pushed him against it, taking his erection in my mouth. He didn't let me stay down long. Blake picked me up, and set me back down on the counter, pushing his length inside me. I arched my back, and my head fell back as he pounded into me._

_It was sticky. It was sweet. It was hard and shameless passion. He tugged on the hair that fell down my back, and it was the trigger that made my insides clench around him and come. He came inside me with a moan of my name, and we stayed like that for a minute before we did anything else. It was amazing. Perfect. Blissful. He tasted the batter against my ear and laughed._

_"Josie and red velvet cake. Mmm. My new favorite."_

***

I bump my hip against Blake's as I remember that day.

"You were so frustrated when I walked in. It was so freaking cute."

"That was the hardest thing I ever had to make."

"It wasn't that bad. It was a good thing you hadn't added the red dye. I found batter all over for days."

"Yeah, but it was a lot of fun. I was just trying to make your favorite cake, and I fucked it up."

"I thought it was sweet."

It _was_ sweet. But then, Blake was always sweet when we were together, a gentleman that most girls dream of. Why can't that be enough?

"I'm only buying boxed cake for you from now on, though."

I don't want to think about the future he's implying in that statement, so I ignore it and finish the food.

# Chapter 18

### PRESENT-- TUESDAY

By the time night falls, we've watched four of the movies in the Fast & Furious series and are thoroughly worn out from sitting on our butts the whole day. We ordered pizza earlier and sat on the floor in front of the coffee table. Blake gave me the crusts, knowing it's my favorite part, and my chest tightened.

It wasn't that he just gave me the crusts—it's that he did it without even thinking. Another sign that we were still in tune with one another.

I grab everything I need so I can go back home and my heart pounds as I debate inviting Blake over to my apartment. Maybe I should ask him to give me a little more time before I let him into the place we once considered home. He didn't technically live with me, but he was still there a lot.

I walk up to Blake, leaning his toned body against the railing on the stairs. He smiles at me and I can't catch my breath for a moment. It's amazing how a small smile can comfort me and turn me on at the same time. He holds out his arm for me to walk into his embrace.

"Every time I see you, I feel like I lose all sense of what's going on in the world. You take my breath away," he says as he leans in and smells my hair. I laugh and shove his shoulder.

"Whatever, Blake," I say, rolling my eyes. He says some of the most ridiculously romantic things, sometimes. Things I can't help but laugh at, since I've never been the type to really appreciate the art of romance. He grabs the hand I used to shove him and pulls me until I am against him.

"I'm not kidding, Jo. I haven't been the same since I met you. Since the first day I saw you, when those books fell from your hands and I saw how pissed you were at that guy, I knew you were going to change my world. And you have. I feel like I'm the luckiest guy in the fucking world to even get a smile from you. And to have you touch me? I can't breathe. It's not a joke to me, so don't downplay what I feel."

"I know how you feel," I say quietly after he finishes his speech. I know for a fact I don't deserve his affection. A wave of sadness washes over me.

He puts his hand under my chin and lifts my face so I can see the sadness in his eyes. "I'll never forget the way you looked at me that day, a year ago. The disgust and anger in your eyes. It killed a piece of me to know I disappointed and revolted you in a matter of minutes." His eyes search mine, full of pain. "I'll live every day of my life trying to get that image out of my head. So, to be given this opportunity to try and change your mind about me is the best thing that's happened to me since the night you told me you loved me."

He kisses me before I can say anything. His tongue slips into my mouth and my breathing gets shallow. He angles my head so he has better access and I open up for more. I trace my tongue against his and then across his bottom lip before pulling it between my teeth. He moans into my mouth and I press myself harder against him, wanting more. Needing more.

We tell each other with our mouths how much that day devastated us. I rub my hands over his hard body, his chest heaving with need. I push my hips into the part of his jeans where his erection is making an appearance and kiss him harder. I feel so hot.

He slows down his movements by placing gentle kisses against my lips. His eyes stay closed as he runs his hands through my hair and traces it down my back. When his forehead rests against mine, he takes a deep, steadying breath. I have a sinking feeling he is about to deny my need for release.

"Jo, I want you so bad. Words cannot even describe how bad I want to be inside you and make you completely mine again. But--"

_And there it is_.

"I think that we should hold off for a little bit," he says.

I pull back from him. I'm hurt, but I don't really want him to know I'm hurt. My desire for him is selfish, a way to hide from the loneliness I've been feeling for some time. A way to escape the reality of my life. It doesn't make the rejection any less biting.

_Maybe I don't have the same appeal as I used to_.

"Hey," Blake says, pulling me out of my fall into darkness. "I thought I could handle giving you what you needed last night, but I want so much more. To pretend otherwise is... selfish. I want to love you. I want you to forgive me. I want us to be okay before we jump into that again."

I know what he's thinking. I know if we jump into bed together then we can forget all about our real issues without resolving them. But I don't want to resolve them. Not in this moment. Right now, I want to feel loved.

"I get it, Blake. We'll talk about it all soon," I say and give him a chaste kiss before my dad calls for me from upstairs.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Jo," Blake says giving me one last kiss before walking toward the door.

"When?" I ask.

"You'll know, love. Sweet dreams." He gives me his most charming smile, and walks out the door.

Dad calls again and I hurry upstairs. He's sitting on his bed with an old box in his lap. It's mahogany and square, with beautiful Celtic detail engraved into the wood. I swallow a knot that's forming in my throat, overwhelmed with the sadness I feel permeating the room. Dad has his head bowed and his shoulders slouched. I walk closer to the bed and see tears streaming down his face.

"I have something I need to tell you, Josie. It's extremely important, and I need you to keep an open mind. Do you understand?"

My chest tightens. "Yes," I say hesitantly. He nods, and pats the bed indicating I should sit down.

"Your Daddy and I were very much in love, Josie. Please don't forget that. He was such a good man, and I will love him every second until I die. He supported my dreams of owning my own business and he was there to hold me and comfort me. He always said I was the _man_ in the relationship, but he was the _better_ man. The way he loved me every day of our lives together shows exactly how good of a man he was. I wish I'd shown him more, exactly what he meant to me.

"When I first met him, I knew there was no one else for me. It was the little things—an accidental touch when I was trying to show him exactly what was wrong with his car, the glances we would secretly give each other when no one else was looking, the sparkle in his eyes. It took me a hell of a lot longer to fix his car than it should have, because I wanted him to keep coming back and talking to me."

I smile at his admission, and he smiles back at me. He takes my hand in his, and continues his story.

"I knew he was different. What I felt was different. I had always struggled with my sexuality before him for many reasons. But when I held his hand for the first time, I knew in my soul that regardless of what anyone thought, he was the one for me. After a couple years of dating, your biological mother agreed to give us a child. We were so happy to be given such a precious gift, and we cherished you as soon as your mother had you. When she gave us full rights, we felt complete. We were happy. I was learning everything I had to in order to start my business and your Daddy loved being home and taking care of you.

"He loved you so much. You were his little angel. He always knew you would turn out to be an amazing woman, and you are. You're so strong, and I'm grateful that you had him as your Daddy because you get all your good traits from him," he says.

"You contributed to my childhood too, Dad. You're both great parents."

"He was better. So much better." He swallows hard and pats the box in front of him. "Every year, on the anniversary of our commitment ceremony, your father and I wrote a letter to each other. Every year we wrote down all of our feelings and thought. We told each other how much we loved each other in every letter. But we never read them. We put all of the letters away in this box so if something ever happened to one of us, we would know exactly how the other felt. Nothing would be left unsaid, because we would always have those words. I never thought I would be the one to read his letters."

His voice cracks at the end and a sob escapes his lips. Tears are streaming down both our faces. It's beautiful, thoughtful, romantic, and so heartbreakingly _devastating_. It takes him a couple minutes before he calms down enough to speak again.

"I haven't been able to read the rest of the letters, but I read the letter from this past February," he says, his voice hoarse. "He didn't go into too much detail about what went on with you this past year, but he thought it was important for me to know you were going through something even worse than what Blake had put you through. Worse than Seth leaving. That you were more upset about something no one else knows.

"You know how much he liked Blake. He was disappointed in him, but he always told me we needed to hear him out and think about giving him another chance if he proved he still loved you. He mentioned that you have a secret but didn't tell me what it was. He _did_ tell me that it was important for me to tell you about something that happened between me and him years ago. He said it would help you make a decision that might be really hard for you. It was his only request in his letter. I'll be damned if I don't do it for him."

I try to prepare myself for what he's about to say—the significance must be important if Daddy mentioned in his letter meant to express his undying love for Dad. I can't think of anything that would make my secret any easier to tell, so I wait patiently for Dad to start talking. He exhales a long sigh.

"When you were about four years old, I cheated on Will," he says, not meeting my eyes. Shock doesn't even begin to describe what I feel after hearing his confession. I can't formulate a response, so I sit there, drumming my fingers on my knee.

"I won't make any excuses that'll in any way make up for what I did to him. We were going through a really rough period in our life. I was trying to establish a business, and I was getting increasingly frustrated that I couldn't get a loan for my own building. I had you and Will to take care of, and I think the pressure started to eat away at me. I went out at night, telling Will that I was trying to figure out some business stuff. He knew I was lying, but instead of fighting about it, he told me he loved me, and let me go. I went to The Hideaway, and I would come home drunk. There was no way he missed that, but he never stopped being there for me when I got back.

"One time when I was out, a guy started talking to me. We talked for a long time. It felt good to be able to talk about my life without having to try to act strong. I didn't have to feel embarrassed that sometimes I hated having to be the one to take care of the family. I won't give you any more details... It was only one time, but that one time was all it took for me to feel disgusted with myself."

I feel a little sick. No I definitely don't need details about this.  Why the fuck would Daddy want me to know this?

"What happened?" I ask quietly.

"Will and I grew more distant. I felt so guilty, I could barely look at him. It was awful. I saw how much he loved me every time he kissed me goodbye or made dinner for us. After that night, I stopped going ot the bar, but I was even more distant at home.

"One night, we were in bed, and I asked him if he would rather be blissfully unaware of a terrible truth or live with secrets. He took a few minutes to think about it, and then told me this. _'I would want to know the truth...And I'll tell you why. There's no way to fix a problem or a relationship without the truth. There would always be something holding back a better future.'_ So I asked him if he felt that way even if it meant hurting the person you loved beyond repair, and he said that he still would want to know.

"He knew. He knew it was awful as soon as I broke down into tears. I told him everything—my fear about taking care of the family, the cheating, the disgust I felt with myself." Dad's jaw trembles and he runs his hand down his beard. "When I was finished, he couldn't look at me. He told me he respected that I told him, but he couldn't be near me. He slept in your room for two weeks. I always left the bed open for him and slept on the couch, but I don't think he could bear to be in a place that signified our love and commitment to each other.

"He came to me when he was ready, and we worked on our relationship. We grew stronger and even more committed after that. It was hard, Josie. I knew there was a big chance I could lose him forever, but he was right. There would never have been any way for us to be truly happy if I hadn't told him the truth."

I take a moment to mull over what Daddy wanted me to know.  Sure, Blake deserves to know what happened, regardless of what he did to me in the past. But how could telling him something that will make him hate me help our relationship?

"Daddy said there was something important you needed to tell Blake. He wanted you to know that even if it doesn't work out the way you hope, this is the only way you can move on from what happened.  He said he wants to see you live again, and you can't do that if you're holding onto your guilt."

I close my eyes, and sigh. "Some things are just too big to get over, Dad. Daddy wants me to be prepared to let Blake go, and I don't want that. I don't want to see the look on his face when I tell him. He'll know that I'm not a good person. I already lost Seth and I don't think I'll ever get him back. Blake's my one chance. I had my reasons for what I did, Dad, but it won't matter to him," I say.

"I understand, Josie Bean. I really do. I knew I could lose your Daddy, but I also knew I _would_ lose him if I kept my distance from him. You've had a year to recover, now it's up to you to determine if that's enough time for you to tell him. Don't you wish Blake would've told you what he was keeping from you, instead of someone else? If it had come from him, and a hell of a lot sooner, don't you think it would have been a little easier to forgive him? Instead, him lying for three years ruined your trust. I'm not saying that you should be with him, because we both know he's not the one I want you to spend the rest of your life with, but I think Daddy is right to ask you to tell him the truth."

He's right. There are so many times I've thought I could be over what Blake did to me if I had known a lot sooner. I might have been able to find a way to cope with what happened, but he had no intention of telling me. _That_ was the problem.. He decided to break my heart.

I'm going to have to break his heart, too. I can't avoid it forever.

My parents gave me hope tonight. If I can forgive Blake for what he did to me, then he may not hate me at the end of the week.

# Chapter 19

### PAST—JUNIOR YEAR

When I woke up in Blake's mother's guest room, I wasn't sure how I had gotten into a bed.

What I did know—what was blatantly obvious to me—was that there was no one else in the bed with me. Blake wasn't sleeping with me for the first night in over a week.

Blake must have come in some time this morning and put a pair of clothes on the desk in the room, but there was nothing else. No note. No Blake.

I took my time getting dressed. I didn't want to walk out that door—to go back home before we resolved whatever was going on with him. But after stalling for thirty extra minutes, I sighed and walked out.

When I entered the kitchen, Blake was slumped against the counter, lost in thought. I wanted to watch him for a few minutes longer. I wanted to see who he was when I wasn't around. My lack of grace, however, meant that I made way too much noise sitting in the chair. Blake looked up and his beautiful muddy brown eyes held an expression I had never seen.

"We have to go," Blake said quietly.

The bruises on his face had worsened overnight. _What the hell did he get himself into?_

"Why can't we stay, Blake? I don't understand what happened. Where did you go last night?"

"It was a mistake bringing you here. I have too many family issues for you to be here. I'm taking you back to your parents," he said firmly.

There was no arguing with him; he made his choice. I was hurt, but I followed him to his car without any further argument. Blake hopped in the car after a short, tense conversation with his mom at the front door. She waved to me and gave me a small, sad smile before we pulled away.

"Take me back to the dorm," I said, looking out the car window. I didn't know this Blake. He was a stranger. I felt him look at me, but nothing he could say would make me change my mind. After the amazing week in our bubble of happiness, I was _not_ about to go to my parents' and let them see me hurt the next day.

"Jo--" he said, but I gave him a hard look that stopped him from continuing.

"No, Blake. You don't get to tell me where I go. You're kicking me out. I get it, but I get to choose where. You don't control my life. I'm in control of that, so take me back to the fucking dorms," I said.

He looked angry, but turned back to the road. His jaw ticked as he clenched it and I hated that it made him look even more handsome.

"I thought you might like some more time with your parents," he said after a long pause. He wasn't happy with me either, but I didn't care.

"I'd rather be alone when I think about how my boyfriend doesn't want me around his family, and how he wants to hang out with some other girl instead of me. I'd rather not have to explain to my parents how much of an asshole you turned out to be."

I was being a bitch, but I was hurt and angry. He sighed and shook his head, but didn't reply. We drove the rest of the way to the school in silence, both of us stewing in anger.

When he pulled up to my building, I wasn't expecting him to get out and help me carry my stuff up to my room, but I let him because I really had no desire to carry those heavy bags. I huffed and sighed loudly the whole way up to my door.

I was about to walk into my room when he grabbed me and pulled me into him. He kissed the top of my head. I closed my eyes and savored his closeness while I still had it. If I had to say goodbye, and it looked like I would, I wanted this memory.

"I'm sorry, Josie. I can't talk about the problems my family has. I'm not trying to be an asshole, but I don't want you around their issues," he said softly, rubbing my back.

"Shouldn't that be my decision to make?" I asked.

"Maybe, but it's not one I'm willing to let you make. I'm not ready to talk about it and I'm not ready for you to be pulled down into those issues." He pulled back and placed his hands on the sides of my face. "I love you more than I thought I could love anyone. I won't risk losing you because you think you know how to handle my family. You can't." Something passed over his face—a look I didn't understand. "Let me handle this so you don't have to worry about it."

My anxiety grew as he dropped his hands, chilling me instantly. It felt like a jab at me, but he said it in such a nice way that I wasn't sure.

"What about Alice? Why did you leave with her?" I asked.

"Alice is an old friend and she knows how to help me calm down. It wasn't meant to hurt you—"

"That's the problem, Blake! Why does _she_ get to help you, and I don't? That should be _my_ job as your girlfriend, not an ex!" I pulled away from him and raised my voice.

His brows rose in surprise when I said the word _ex_ , but he hid it quickly. His face turned blank, and I knew I lost him. He was done talking. He'd go off and seek _comfort_ with Alice instead of me. There wasn't anything else I could say.

"Okay. Think what you want, but I don't want you around them and I won't explain why I want that or why Alice could help me and not you. I'll see you when I get back," he said, voice hard and apathetic. Without another look, another touch, he left. Left me standing in my door, hurt and confused. Wondering where the hell my perfect boyfriend went.

The rest of that week was miserable. I sat in my room and looked at the ceiling. It was ridiculous—that I so upset over a guy. Someone I foolishly created delusions of being _perfect_ and _amazing._

I paced. I sulked. I tried to read, but nothing helped. Brooke came in one day, shocked that I was there.  She said she'd been staying with a friend for a few days and was just stopping by to get more clothes. Apparently I was giving off some serious _leave me alone_ vibes, so she gave me a big hug and kiss before she left me to continue my wallowing in private.

I wanted Seth. I _needed_ my best friend, the one person who understood me better than anyone else, but I couldn't keep running to him when things were bad.

On my second night alone, I was reading a sad book when I got a text from Blake. My first contact with him since he'd dropped me off. It was extremely late, or extremely early depending on how you rank 2:47 am.

**Blake: You are so fucking beyutiful. I miss you so much.**

**Me: Are you drunk?**

Frustration was a current in my blood.

**Blake: Maybeeee... just out, wishing I had my girl with me**

**Me: You could have... but you didn't want me**

It took about ten minutes before I got a reply.  Ten long, agonizing minutes spent constantly checking my phone, pacing, and trying not to obsess over him.

**Blake: I yub you.**

I rolled my eyes. _He must be out of his damn mind_.

**Me: Are you okay? You're not driving are you?**

**Blake: Nahhh... Alice took my keys. She told me to stay at her place**

The anger inside of me grew to a level I had never experienced at the mention of her name and the possibility of staying with her. How could he think that would be okay with me? I hated her. And I _really_ disliked him at the moment.

**Me: Do you need me to get you?**

**Blake: noooo... she's taking care of me**

**Me: Right... She'll take care of you. You don't need me to help. That's fine. Have fun.**

**Me: Fuck you**

I slammed my phone on the bedside table. I wanted to be strong enough to turn off my phone and not care about what he did and who he saw, but I wasn't. I was scared shitless that I lost him to another girl. I waited another hour, hoping to get a response that held an apology, despite my text, but nothing came.

_I should've bought some vodka before I came back._ Since that wasn't an option now, I settled for a Xanax. I hadn't needed them recently. The nightmares from my attack had largely faded these days, but anxiousness triggered them. The last thing I wanted was another gut-wrenching dream about my rapist. Especially when Seth wasn't around to hold me.   __

I went through five books over the rest of the week, thankful for at least that bit of distraction. Brooke came back on Sunday, and that was when I found out Blake was back and didn't think it was important for me to know. She was hanging out with Brandon at their house, and Blake had come in with a black eye and swollen lip. He'd been back for two days.

"Want to know a secret?" she asked me while we were in bed that night.

"Yeah. Duh," I said.

"I was with Brandon most of spring break," she said, a wide grin growing on her face. She bit her lip and sighed. "He left his mom's house so he could spend the week with me."

"Why didn't you stay with your parents?" I asked. She never really talked about them, and I let her keep her secrets, because I still had mine.

"Oh," she said, face falling. "They didn't really want me there. They planned a cruise, and took the rest of the family. I didn't want to sit in their house by myself," she said.

" _What_? Why? Why weren't you invited?" I asked, shocked. She might not have talked about her family, but I always assumed that they were on good terms.

"Hmmm... that's hard to explain." Her brows creased and she turned on her bed to face me. "I guess I just don't fit in with them. They're out of my league when it comes to their smarts. My dad's a doctor. My mom's a surgeon. My brother's a scientist who is trying to cure cancer. I'm just a dumb blonde who wants to be an elementary school teacher," she said, shrugging as if it really wasn't that big of a deal.

But to me it was. "You're not dumb, Brooke. I'm going to be an elementary school teacher, too. I don't think I'm dumb, and neither do my parents."

"Your parents are different, Jos. They love you completely. They wanted you. I was an accident," she said, sounding sad. I think that was the first time we were ever completely honest with each other. She knew about my family, and she knew that I had been raped, but she didn't know anything more than that. I loved her as a person, but we never felt the need to divulge into any more secrets. I was finally rethinking that. I needed to let her be a friend, instead of keeping up the walls I built to protect myself.

"Blake kicked me out of his mom's house. He said I didn't belong there, and I've only gotten one set of drunk texts from him since I've been back," I admitted.

"Blake? The same Blake who treats you like a goddamn princess?" I smiled a little at her description of him.

"Yeah, apparently his family has too many issues and get this. He has this ex-girlfriend, who is like _model-looking_ , and they're friends, but I don't think she wants to be his friend. He keeps telling me _she_ can help him get through his family issues and not me. What the hell is up with that?"

"Is her name Alice?" she asked. It was my turn to be a little shocked.

"Yeah, how did you know?"

"Brandon mentioned her this past week. He was telling me about his family, and said that she was always over their house. That she and Blake used to date. He said she's super annoying, but the family puts up with her because her dad owns some underground gym where they like to work out. I guess they like to participate in the fights that they sponsor."

That might explain the bruises, but I didn't understand why he wouldn't tell me he was working out. I understood working out your aggression. Seth and I still took self-defense classes so I wouldn't have to be a victim again. My personal favorite moves were the ones that doled out damage to a man's junk. Seth always got nervous when we paired up to practice, because I loved that part a little _too_ much.

"Have you talked to Seth about it?" she asked through a yawn.

Seth. My heart wanted him. His half smile flashed in my head, and I closed my eyes. "No," I whispered.

She closed her eyes, ready to drift to sleep. "You're in love with Seth."

Yes. "No," I lied. "I love Blake."

"I know, I know. But the physics between you and Seth are crazy. You're insanely in love with him."

I wasn't about to dredge up more heartache. "Goodnight, B."

On Monday, classes started again. I didn't have Seth or Blake in any of my classes this semester, and I was both glad and depressed about that. I kept an eye out while I walked around campus, in hopes that I would see Blake, but I never did.

Seth called that night and I felt a sense of relief as soon as his southern drawl came through the phone. My heart stopped aching and I closed my eyes and savored every word he spoke. We made plans to hang out the next day, and I finally felt like everything would be okay. I needed my best friend. I missed him more than I wanted to admit.

I would have to ignore the _physics_ we had and realize that losing him as a best friend would be more brutal than any other pain I could experience.

Tuesday morning, a day Blake and I usually got coffee together, didn't hold a lot of hope for me. I wasn't going to give up my own coffee habit though, so I dressed in sweat pants and a Twilight t-shirt. I wore my hair in a messy bun, had my reading glasses and no make-up on as I looked over a Children's Psychology assignment.

I wasn't expecting to see him. Not after the silence I've been receiving for days. But then I felt his hand on my arm, the soft fingers brushing me softly to get my attention.

I looked up into the eyes of the man I loved and though I was happy to see him, I couldn't shake the sadness. I swallowed back the pain that was building in my throat and raised an eyebrow at him.

"So, he decides to grace me with his presence today. Why, kind sir? What could I have done to deserve such an honor?"

"Well, milady," he began a small smile on his lips, bowing before taking a seat next to me. "I do believe you are the fairest maiden in this place. It's only right that a brave knight like me would request the presence of the most beautiful woman alive."

I rolled my eyes and pretended to return to my homework. I didn't want to hear any of his corny romantic bullshit.

But maybe I did a little.

A strand of hair escaped the messy mop on my head, and he slid it behind my ear, painstakingly slowly. Such a sensual and honest gesture, and even though it was silly, it made me feel better. I closed my eyes as his hand brushed my ear and one of his long fingers traced my jaw.

"You really are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, Josie," he said softly, his voice thick with emotion. I scoffed at him, because I was a hot mess that day, but he looked at me like he really believed what he'd said.

"I love it when you wear these," he said, touching my reading glasses. His luscious lips curved slowly into a smile, captivating me.

"Blake," I said, trying to pull myself away from the sweet seduction he was drawing me into. "What's happening? What are we doing? Do you feel differently about me now? Are you trying to get back together with Alice? Did your mom not like me? I don't understand what's going on."

"I love it when you're confused or worried. You always ask a ton of questions at once. It's so cute," he said. He paused for a moment and sighed. "I love you more than I should, Jo. I'm not ready to talk about what's happening with my family and I really hope you can respect that. I'm in no way interested in Alice, and my Ma loved you... I just need some time." He trailed his hand down my arm.

"What about the drinking and the bruises?"

"Stress. I need you to know that I love you, and no matter what happens, I always will. I'm going to be busy with finals, and starting the business, so these next few months are going to make me a little scattered. Bear with me okay?"

There was more to the situation than stress. Blake was saying all the right things, but I wasn't relieved. I did understand the need for some privacy, but I hoped in the process of letting him keep his thoughts to himself, I didn't lose him. 

# Chapter 20

### PAST—JUNIOR YEAR

I did lose him after that.

I kept reaching for the warmth and love that Blake had teased me with, but I couldn't catch it. I kept snatching, but my hands always came back empty. Three months had passed since spring break and we'd lost all of the affection and warmth we'd had before that one, blissful week.

Blake was still a great boyfriend. He said all the right things to me: I was pretty, smart, beautiful, he loved me. Blah, Blah, Blah. It didn't mean anything because he was always distracted.

I'm sure he did need time to focus on his finals and on starting his business, but he could have at least been honest with me. He seemed scared. Whatever had happened at his mother's house had suddenly made me undesirable to him.

He never went into much detail about the business. I knew some things—that he secured a building, hired workers, and campaigned for clients. He was dedicated to his work as he was with everything in life. He was the type to get grumpy if he missed a workout in the morning. He loved stability and routine. I watched him dedicate hours to his future, but he tried his hardest to keep from being a part of it.

He didn't want to be with me anymore, but he was waiting until he graduated to break up with me. I would've ended it, but I held out the barest hope that something would change.

We hadn't had sex since spring break and I was running out of ways to seduce him. Every time things started to get heated, he would jump up and say he had a study group to get to or he needed to call some contractors. We studied and kissed, but he was holding back. It wasn't brazen passion anymore. He was cautious. Detached.

The weekends were the worst.  Seth was busy booking photo shoots, Brooke was busy with Brandon, and I was alone because Blake always went back home on the weekends. He'd return looking tired, new bruises painting his skin.

A couple weeks before Blake's graduation, we were in his room, and I was sitting cross-legged in the middle of his bed, reading a book. He was at his desk going through business contracts, absorbed in his work. Peeking out from under his gray tank top was a mottled purple bruise on his shoulder.

"Blake," I whispered. A wave of sadness hit me. I could almost forget about our problems on occasion, but not when they were staring me in the face in muted tones of purple, blue, and yellow. I got up and traced it with my fingers.

"It's nothing, Jo. Get back to your book," he said brusquely, jerking away from my touch.

"It's not nothing!" I hollered, fed up with his evasiveness. "Every goddamn week there's something new! What the hell are you doing when you go home? Why can't you let me in just one tiny bit? You think I don't understand what it feels like to need to escape? I can help," I said.

He whipped his head around and glared at me. "You don't know anything, Josie. You have no clue what I'm going through," he said through clenched teeth. I didn't like this side of him. I sure as hell wasn't going to stand there and let him be an asshole.

"I don't have a clue because you won't let me in. You keep pushing me away. If you don't want to be with me, then tell me!" I yelled.

"It's not about that, Josie," he spat, and stood up so I could see the anger on his face. "It's about the fact that you aren't letting me have any _space_. I asked you two months ago to let it go, and respect the fact that I didn't want to talk. But you haven't done that."

I narrowed my eyes at him. I put maybe a centimeter between us and I looked up at him. He may have been over a foot taller than me, but I gathered all the strength I had to prove to him that I was in no way weak.

"I have given you plenty of space. But if it's space you want so badly, then I can make it much more permanent," I said in a low, dark voice. I was sick of his distance. I was twenty-one years old and I could find someone who wanted to pay attention to me. Blake and I had been awesome together. But that was before. What we had now was anything but. He wasn't the last man on earth, I would move on. "I don't need to deal with your bullshit mixed signals, Blake. So, I'll go."

Blake closed the space between us, grabbed the back of my head, and pulled me in for a hard kiss. He kissed me like a starving man, looking for one last moment of substance. Maybe we both were like that. Starving for that one kiss. No matter how amazing his lips felt, how desperately I wanted him, one kiss couldn't erase months of hurt. We bruised each other's lips, tugging and sucking roughly.

"You're so fucking sexy when you get fired up, Jo," he said, pulling away and tasting the side of my neck. He was sexy _all_ the time.

_Sexy. Sex. I want sex. This man is sexy, and I want sex with him_. As my mind replayed the caveman-like thoughts, I fought not give in to him. All those times I wanted him and he warded off my advances— _that_ was what I needed to remember.

But then his hand moved down my back and cupped my ass. As he kneaded me, I could feel my resolve weakening. I could feel how much he wanted me and there was no denying that I wanted him too.

He led me to the bed, climbed on top of me. His firm hand traveled down my chest until it rested on the button of my shorts. He took a break from my mouth, and looked at me. His eyes were dark with desire, and I got lost in that look of lust.

_One last time. One memory to hold on to_. I gave him a slight nod, and he dipped his hand inside my shorts and underwear. I was already wet for him, and he closed his eyes and shuddered. My own eyes followed when he sank one finger inside of me.

He started fucking me with his fingers and I let him make me feel good. He pushed up my shirt with his other hand and dipped his tongue into the curve of my stomach. He moved his body so he could gain better access to my chest, and pulled down my bra. When his mouth wrapped around my swollen, neglected nipple, I moaned loudly and moved my hips faster against his hand.

He moaned just as loudly when he felt my reaction to him. My insides were in dire need of filling, and only he could do that for me. My clit throbbed with need, making me practically beg for him. He knew every reaction my body gave, but still he held back. Finally, he tugged my shorts down and started moving his tongue against my aching pussy.

"Oh Josie, you always taste so fucking good," he said, voice filled with awe.

After a few quick flicks of his tongue, the pressure mounted quickly, and I felt like I was jumping off a mountain. The free fall into oblivion was incredible. Blake loved watching me come... his tongue was harder and faster and his hands clutched my thighs so tight I thought I might have bruises.

He looked up, and I saw the longing and hunger he felt clearly. But I also saw the man who had been angry with me not twenty minutes earlier, and the person who had been distancing himself from me for months. I grabbed his face and pulled him to me. I kissed him so hard, he couldn't help but want me.

My tongue tasted his. He groaned as I bit his lip, and I pushed him so I was on top of him. I trailed my hands under his shirt. I gradually made my way down to his shorts, and slipped my hand under the band. I grabbed his cock in my hand, igniting with fire as I felt how hard he was. I was going to take my time with him. Make him want me like he'd never wanted me before.

"Shit.... Josie," he moaned, dropping his head back against the pillows.

A drop of his pre-come escaped his dick, and I bent my head so I could lick it up eagerly. He let out an even louder moan as I tasted him. I licked the length of his shaft and twirled my tongue around the tip. His fingers tangled in my hair, and it was exactly what I needed—to know that this was what _he_ needed. I moved my mouth over him and took in as much of him as I could.

"Suck," he breathed. I was so turned on that I did exactly what he told me. I sucked him into my mouth as he pushed my head so I could take him deeper. I couldn't fit him all, so I used my other hand to grasp the bottom of his length and work it into my mouth. As soon as his muscles clenched and his cock throbbed against my tongue, I knew he was about to come.

Which is exactly when I removed my mouth. I slowly dragged my eyes up to his and smirked at his surprised expression. He hadn't expected me to stop when he was about to break apart.

"You want your space, Blake? You got it," I said, narrowing my eyes at him and pulling myself from the bed. I buttoned my shorts and picked up my book and purse. I walked out of that room without looking back and with my head held high.

There was no way I was going to let him get away with how he treated me earlier that day. He would either realize the mistake he had made and try to fix it, or he would get the balls to break up with me.

# Chapter 21

### PAST – JUNIOR YEAR

I was wrong. Boy was I wrong.

Two weeks went by, and I hadn't heard a word from Blake. I tried to talk to Brandon, but he never gave me a straight answer. Blake was hiding from me, and everyone knew where he was but me.

His silence was probably my answer, but I wasn't ready to accept defeat. I had been knocked down too much to give up on our relationship. With some clarity, I realized I wasn't ready to lose him. I was _in love_ with Blake. I wanted him to tell me he made a big mistake.

At least final exams distracted me from constant thoughts of Blake. Seth and I spent more time together than we had in ages. His dad had begrudgingly hired workers to deal with the farm, but apparently George couldn't stop his mouth from running off when they did something wrong.

Sometimes I felt like being with Blake had gotten in the way of my relationship with Seth, and I didn't like that.

The day I told Seth how things had ended with Blake was the day I was leaving the dorms for the summer.

"What do you mean, you haven't talked to him for two weeks?" he asked as we finished packing my room. As always, Seth was doing most of the work. What's the point of being best friends with a farming man if you don't take advantage of his manpower?

"I mean, he made it clear I wasn't giving him enough space, so I left him there so he could have as much space as he wanted."

"He didn't go after you?" he asked with a look of complete bewilderment on his face. I turned away from him so he couldn't see the red creeping into my cheeks.

"You know, Pussycat, you may have really tan skin, but I can still see the red in your cheeks when you get embarrassed. So spill."

He walked to me and grabbed my chin in his hand, making me look at him. This was the first time he'd touched me like that in three months. I missed it-- how much his hands affected me in a way no one, not even Blake, had been able to. I swallowed, closed my eyes, and leaned into his touch. Into the strong calloused hands that produced an insane amount of art.

"Jos," he whispered, leaning his head against mine. His thumb made idle circles along my jaw. I heard him swallow. "Tell me what's going on," he said, voice so soft.

"Well," I started, swallowing down whatever the ache was in my chest. "We were fighting, and I guess it turned him on to see me yelling at him, so we sort of started going at it." Seth's hand immediately dropped from my face and he backed up a step. His brows slanted down hard, and his fist flinched as he sat down on the bed, waving for me to continue. I shivered and hugged myself. "Anyway, he, you know, helped me out, and then I started to help him out. If you get my meaning," I said, trailing off.

_Wow._ It was really freaking awkward talking about this with Seth.

"Yeah, got it, Jos. Continue," he said without looking at me.

"Well, right when he was about to... you know..." He gave me a curt nod, so I went on. "Um... I kind of stopped. I got up and told him that if he wanted space, I would give it to him. Gave him a little of what he's been making me feel since spring break."

I could see Seth trying to hold back a grin, but he couldn't help himself when he looked at me, and cracked up laughing.

"Fuck, Pussycat. Only you would do something like that. Sweet revenge. You get what you need, and he has to suffer. You're a girl after my own heart," he said in between fits of laughter.

I giggled along and flopped back on the bed. We were clutching our sides from laughing so hard, and it felt good to let go for even a short period of time. But everything nice comes to an end, and in the end I couldn't escape the thought that it didn't make Blake want me more.

"It didn't work though. I must've not left him wanting me."

Seth reached out and placed a hand on my cheek. His calloused thumb stroked my lonely skin and I instantly felt better.

"Jos, there's no way any man on this Earth could resist you. I don't know what his issue is, but if it had been me, I would've run after you naked for miles until I got to you." He gave me a small smile and I couldn't tell if he was joking or serious. He dropped his hand from my face, and looked up at the ceiling.

"So, it's been this way since spring break? I thought you two were doin' really well then," he said.

"We were. I told him about the night of the rape, and then he told me he loved me.  We had a week of great sex and conversation, but it all stopped when we got to his mom's house."

Seth groaned when I mentioned great sex, but I didn't care. I'd heard all about his escapades—he could deal with my PG version of things.

"I guess something happened with his family. He doesn't like his dad, John, very much and he doesn't really talk about his older brother, Brody, so maybe he was really pissed about something they did. I don't know. He said he didn't want to subject me to them yet."

"Maybe he really does feel like he's protecting you, Pussycat. Maybe he's trying to push you away on purpose. If his ultimate goal is to protect you from his family, then pushing you away may be the best option in his head," Seth said.

"I wish he wouldn't decide that for me. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to worry about him always pushing me away when I should just be focusing on graduating and finding a job."

"You going to his graduation tomorrow?"

"I have a seat and I really don't want to miss it." I sighed and closed my eyes. "I _do_ love him." My voice portrayed my lack of confidence as I said it. "I guess I'll go and see if I can talk to him about what we're going to do." Seth grabbed my pinky with his.

"I don't like him."

I groaned. "Not now, Seth."

"No. Hear me out, Jos. You're not the same with him. This is the first time I've seen you stand up to him."

"There hasn't been anything to stand up _to_. We've never had any issues before."

"That's not what I mean." He huffed and irritation clouded his eyes. "I'm saying... why the fuck do you have protein bars in your mini fridge?"

"What? Protein bars? I don't know. They're better for me than the other junk food I usually get."

" _That's_ what I'm talkin' 'bout. You hate healthy food. You'd take a chocolate bar over that shit any day, but you have them in your fridge. Why?"

"Seth, food is a terrible reason to dislike someone."

He propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at me. "It's more than the food. It's you changing who you are to fit who _he_ is. It's that you cuss like a sailor with me, but I don't hear you swear when he's around. It's you eating healthy shit to accommodate for your boyfriend's eating habits. It's the way you don't fight for the movie you'd rather be watching when you go to the theater--"

"That happened once."

"It doesn't fucking matter how many times. You're so much better than that. You're settling, and you're too scared of being alone to see it."

The truth hit harder than I could imagine. _No_. Seth was wrong. Blake loved me. He didn't hold me back. I loved him. I was lucky to have him.

"You're wrong."

He sighed. "Okay, Pussycat. I want you happy. That's all that matters to me. That's the _only_ thing that matters to me." We laid there in silence for a while before going back to packing the rest of my stuff.

***

There was no way I'd be able to talk to Blake at the graduation ceremony, so I decided to see him at his house first. I pulled into the driveway and noticed a car I had never seen before. It was a nice Mercedes, so I figured it must have been either his mom or other family. The door to his house was ajar, so I didn't bother knocking before I walked in.

Brandon walked down the stairs, knotting the tie at his neck.

"Well, don't you look nice," I said when he noticed me.

"You're looking pretty good yourself there, Josie," he said with a smile, taking my hand and twirling me around once. I was wearing a yellow strapless sundress with white eyelet wedged shoes. I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and thanked him for the compliment.

"So, where's Blake? I was hoping to talk to him before he left," I said. Brandon pointed to the stairs, eyes turned to his phone.

"Upstairs. I think he's talking to someone."

Blake's door was cracked open, and as I got closer, I heard murmuring. Not wanting to interrupt, I planned on waiting outside the door until I heard a familiar female voice.

"Oh, that sounds wonderful, Blake," Alice said. I hated her voice. Privacy was overrated, and I leaned in closer so I could hear their conversation.

"Yeah, I thought so too. I'll talk to her and see where she wants to go, and then we can go from there," he said.

_Who is he talking about? Me?_

"Great," she said. I heard some shuffling and could tell she was walking toward the door. "Oh, I almost forgot. You left your shirt and shorts at my place last weekend. I thought you might like them back." She chuckled lightly. Anger spilled out of my pores and anxiety pounded against my chest.

_Why were his shirt and shorts at her house? And why the_ fuck _was he over at her house last weekend, and not mine?_

"Thanks, Al. I'll see you later."

I pulled myself away from listening range of the door, hoping I could hide somewhere before she came out of his room. I wasn't fast enough and too soon was met with her overly perfect face. I wanted to punch that face. It needed to be messed up a little. I wish I had a wand and could give her a massive case of zits or a rash.

"Oh hi, dear!" she said in an exaggeratedly sweet and accented voice. I forced a smile, and she didn't seem to notice how insincere it was, leaning down and giving me a hug and kiss on my cheek. I wished it was socially acceptable to growl and snap at the people you don't like.

"Hi, Alice. What are you doing here?" I asked in hopes of gaining a little more information.

"Just talking to Blake about some family stuff. I didn't know you were going to be here. Blake mentioned he didn't think you'd come," she said. Her fake-ass smile never faltered as she looked down at me. Not only was she much taller than me, but she looked at me as if I was somehow less than her.

"Yeah, well. We're usually busy with things other than talking. You know how it is," I said, hoping to make it sound like Blake and I were doing fine. I understood her insinuation. It might have been a lie to portray our relationship as fine, but she didn't need to know that.

"Oh, yes, I do... I _really_ do," she said, and smiled wickedly before walking away.

_Damn. Blonde Bitch won that one._ I took a few deep breaths before I walked into Blake's room. I didn't want to come out and accuse him of sleeping with another woman, so I needed to get myself under control first. Eventually, my breathing evened, though my nerves were on overdrive.

Blake sat on his bed with his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees. He looked incredibly handsome in his black slacks and pale blue buttoned down shirt.

"Hey," I managed, leaning against his desk. He looked up and when he saw me, he smiled and immediately got up from the bed. He seemed to think better of approaching me though, and stopped, crossed his arms and dropped the smile from his face.

"I didn't think I'd see you here, Josie," he said softly. His jaw tensed as he spoke, but his eyes told me he was sad. It upset me that he really didn't think I'd be there for him on a big day like that.

"Of course I would come," I said, exasperated. "Why would I not?"

"The way you left me a couple weeks ago might have given me that impression," he snapped.

"You're mad?" I said, stunned. "You're _mad_? Are you fucking joking?"

"Did you think that was going to make me happy?"

"You yelled at me, Blake! Told me you wanted space and then _pounced_ on me. I am _sick_ of the goddamn mixed signals. I want to know if you want to work this out, or if you plan on continuing to push me away. Because if it's the latter, then I don't think we should see each other anymore," I said.

I should have said this as soon as he started distancing himself from me in the first place. I'd been too scared to lose the first relationship where I was loved.

His lack of eye contact told me everything I needed to know. This wasn't going to end well. He sighed and shook his head. When he finally looked at me, he wasn't the Blake I fell in love with. This Blake showed no remorse or emotion. He was blank.

"That's probably a good idea. I'm too busy to deal with this relationship right now."

It felt like he had stabbed me in the heart. He had reduced what we had to some casual relationship that could be tossed away easily, and I was heartbroken. I let myself fall in love with him, but I didn't know I was giving him permission to destroy that gift.

_I will_ not _cry over this man_. I tried to speak, but choked on my words. Blake stood as still as a statue. Shaking my head, I decided to just turn and walk away. As I reached the door, Blake's hand grabbed mine, forcing me to turn around. I didn't want to look at him in his stupid emotionless face, so I kept my chin up and faced away from him.

"Josie."

"You have something to say that can make this better, Blake? Because if you don't, then you need to let go of my hand and let me walk out of here." I could barely speak—my vocal cords clogged by my emotions, obstructed with the pain from his apathy.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice raspy. "I don't want to stop seeing you, but there's just too much going on. I'm going to keep pushing you away and you deserve better than that." I pulled away from his grasp.

"It's a good thing you have Alice to comfort you, huh? I'm really fucking glad she was able to be there for you this past weekend so she could finish what I started," I said, whipping around to walk out the door. I wasn't quick enough to miss his shocked expression. It hurt that he showed emotion about my accusation but not about breaking up with me.

I held my head up high and walked down the stairs as graciously as I could. I might be a short girl with a willowy body, but I was a force to be reckoned with in that moment. I would get over Blake Porter, and I would be happy again.

# Chapter 22

### PAST—SENIOR YEAR

I was miserable.

I still had my family and best friends around, but even they couldn't shake me out of my funk. The nights were the worst. When the silence would assault my brain with memories and desires I couldn't fulfill.

My dads knew as soon as I came home that something was wrong and no amount of sitting on my hands could hide the fact that I was lying that everything was okay. Eventually, I told them the truth, and they told me all the things dads do: _you're too good for him_ , _you'll find someone else, he's not thinking clearly right now, and I'll chop his balls off._ The last one was courtesy of Dad. Daddy chastised him for his comment, but he couldn't hide his laugh.

I tried reading, but I couldn't find a book that let me escape. Instead, I focused on my future career. I talked to multiple schools both in Wilson and in Raleigh, and I was offered a part time job at a local elementary school teaching summer school. It was exactly what I needed to get my mind off Blake's betrayal.

June and July went by and I stayed focused on helping my students. I was good at teaching. I loved working with kids, and I felt like I was making a difference in that classroom. Maybe that was a farfetched thought since none of those kids wanted to be in that hot classroom with me, but it helped me feel better.

Brooke spent most of June with me and I think I would've fallen apart if she wasn't there. She stayed at my house, and we grew much closer. I told her everything. I told her about Seth and me, all the sexy and heartbreaking details. I told her about Blake and the breakup. About my fear that I wouldn't be able to find someone who loved me. And about how much I hated Blond Bitch.

But most importantly, I opened up to Brooke about my life after I was raped. I told her I was terrified of ever feeling that way again, and she did everything she could to help comfort me.

Seth was constantly busy that summer. It was the first time we didn't spend every day hanging out because we were both trying to get ourselves into better positions in our chosen career fields. He went on a lot of trips to take pictures. He also booked a couple shoots for people who wanted to get risqué photos done. He loved capturing basic nature, but he also had an incredible talent for capturing people in their most vulnerable moments.

When Seth wasn't busy with his career, he was working on his dad's farm. Most days, I would drive over and help him out with his work.

Okay, that's a lie. I would sit and talk or read while he worked diligently. I enjoyed watching him, though. He put on a good show when he took off his shirt, letting me see all his tattoos and muscles glistening with sweat. And damn did that body make it freaking hard to look at him as just a friend.

When August came around, summer school ended and I was sick of learning new recipes from Daddy. I couldn't handle the loneliness any longer. Blake hadn't contacted me once, and I felt sad, furious, and worst of all, _unwanted._

With two weeks left before I had to leave for senior year, I felt like I was drowning in the silence and loneliness. There was only one person out there who would make me feel wanted without strings attached.

_Just for two weeks, then we can stop again_.

That thought was exactly how I ended up on my way to Seth's house. When you spend the summer hoping the person you thought you had a future with would call or text but get nothing, you eventually succumb to your selfish nature for getting affection.

Seth was out by the barn, wearing worn-out jeans and a plaid button-down t-shirt that he'd left open. His camera was in front him, taking pictures of the horses. When he saw me walking toward him, he smiled and raised his camera to his eye.

"Wait right there, Pussycat. You look like a fucking angel with that lighting." I was laughing and posing for him while the camera made constant clicking noises. Eventually he put his camera down and leaned against the entrance to the barn. His blue-green eyes were sparkling as he looked at me. I took up my own post opposite him.

"What's up, Josie?"

"Seth," I started, taking a deep gulp of air. "I... you're my best friend. You know that right?" He nodded his head, but didn't say anything, though his eyes were wary.

"I need to feel wanted. Again," I whispered. I knew he heard me once I saw his body turn rigid.

_This is a bad idea. He made it clear it wouldn't happen again after last summer_.

Last summer. The summer that everything changed. The time when the heat from the temperature outside no longer compared to the heat filling my heart with my feelings for Seth.

Last summer changed my world.

# Chapter 23

### PAST—SUMMER BEFORE JUNIOR YEAR

It took me a long time to get over what had happened to me at my graduation party. For months after, I didn't talk to anyone. Not to my parents, my therapist, Seth, or my teachers. I did my daily activities—went to school, ate, showered, and homework, but I did them without much thought.

The rough hand that had strangled me outside that bar was still around my neck and I couldn't act like everything was going to be okay. I didn't think anything would ever be okay again.

When I closed my eyes I was assaulted with flashes of that night. I curled up into a ball, and rocked myself as I tried to bat away the flashbacks. Daddy would come into my room and rub my back, trying to calm my fits of terror. He always knew when I needed him. Sometimes he would tell me stories and current gossip, but most of the time, he just rocked me.

I was angry. I was hurt. I was sad. I felt violated. Defiled. I couldn't get the voice out of my head that kept telling me it was my fault, and that no one could save me.

Seth called every day while he was away at school. Most of the time I ignored his calls, but sometimes I would click the green button on my phone. While I didn't say anything, he never let that deter him from having a conversation with me. He'd talk about his classes, his new friends, his professors, parties, family, and anything else that would pop into his head.

He never gave up on me. For a year of silence, he was there for me.

On his breaks from school, he'd come to my house and sleep in my bed. He'd whisper that he would always be there for me whenever I was ready to talk, and that he loved me no matter what. During his spring break, late at night, he'd admitted that he was so burdened with guilt over not being able to save me before Michael had raped me, stealing my innocence with him.

"I'll never forgive myself, Josie. I'm so sorry I didn't do more," he said, choking on his words. My walls started breaking apart as I listened to him struggle not to cry.

He had never shared how he felt about what happened. It never crossed my mind how it would have affected him. I grabbed his hand and squeezed tightly while we lay in my bed.

"I've missed you," he whispered to me, tears in his eyes. Seth never cried, and he didn't then, but to see him so emotional flipped a switch in me. My mind exploded with new revelations. Seth was hurt that night, too. He'd looked down on my almost-dead body and thought he lost his best friend. I couldn't imagine losing Seth. _No_. The thought alone made my throat feel clogged with cotton.

"It's not your fault," I said quietly. As soon as I said the words, he pulled me into a tight embrace and burrowed his face into my hair.

"You don't know how good it feels to hear your voice."

We stayed like that for the rest of the night, and I finally felt like I could breathe again. I can't explain why hearing his confession of guilt had broken down my walls, but it did. It changed me, and I understood I wasn't the only one who was changed that day.

I had to make myself be happy again. I needed to make sure Seth never felt guilty for what happened, and hopefully in the long run I could make myself better.

I would always be haunted by the memories, but when Seth saved me, he gave me another chance to live. Death did not succeed that night, and I had been living my life as if it had. When summer came around, and I was finished with first year at the community college, I was almost completely back to normal. Seth and I spent the summer together, and grew closer than we had ever been.

The next year was much better. I started talking to my therapist, and even though I didn't go into the details of what happened that night, she helped me. I realized how much better I was doing when Michael's trial started. I still had panic attacks, but I got through them because Seth and my dads were there every step of the way. When Michael was sent to prison, I felt relieved. Like a big weight had been lifted.

I was going to be going to NCSU in the fall and asked Seth to start taking me to some of his friends' parties so I could get out. What I didn't expect was the panic that set in every time a guy came up to dance with me.

I put my new self-defense skills to use many times at the parties, and Seth always got a kick out of watching a grown man writhe in pain. It was the end of June when my feelings toward Seth had started to change. We had gone to a smaller party and he decided to dance with me. We had danced plenty of times before, but this time... it was different.

He was sick of telling guys to back off, so he decided to take up the position of fake boyfriend for the night. It stopped being pretend when he wrapped his arm around my stomach and pulled my back into his chest. I froze for a minute before he leaned his head down next to my ear.

"Don't be scared, Pussycat, I've got you. Just pretend like I make you feel something," he whispered.

My heart was pounding so hard. When he moved his hips against me, I let out a small moan and laid my head back on his shoulder. We danced the rest of the night like that. My heart beat never slowed, and I felt a craving pool in the pit of my stomach.

I needed Seth. I needed him to keep making me feel like that. I needed to know how it felt to have a man touch me without animosity. I had forgotten, and even with Mark I had never felt the way Seth made me feel that night. I turned around in his arms and looked into his blue-green eyes. Some of his sandy blonde hair had fallen in front of his face and I pushed it back, watching his eyes darken a little. I brought one of my hands to touch his cheek.

"Seth." I whispered. My breathing was hard, and my mouth parted as I tried to get more air.

He leaned his head against mine, and I could feel his hot breath against my face. It was affecting him too.

It ended too soon. He pulled away abruptly and took a step back without taking his eyes off mine. He was still breathing hard, but I could also see the confusion starting to cloud his eyes. He shook his head back and forth and ran his hand through his hair. I flushed in a mixture of heated pleasure and embarrassment.

"We should get going," he said. He turned and walked to his car and I followed, dejected. I leaned back in the seat of his truck and kept my eyes closed as he drove me home.

"Josie," he said and grabbed my hand. "I don't know what just happened, but I love you too much as a friend to do anything like that." It was probably meant to make me feel better, but it didn't help. I had never wanted anyone like that before, and I was confused. I nodded and kept my eyes closed. When he got to my house, I ran to the door.

"Hey!" he said, trying to get my attention. He increased his steps so he could stand between me and the door. "Josie, what the hell is wrong? I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what came over me. I shouldn't have touched you, but please don't be mad at me."

I looked up at him then. He thought I was upset with him for touching me, which shocked and relieved me. I gathered every ounce of confidence I had and walked up to him, looking into his gorgeous eyes.

"I wanted you to touch me, Seth. I _need_ you to touch me." I breathed hard, and reached my hand out to touch the collar of his black Ramones t-shirt. "I need to feel wanted. _Please,_ just one time, make me feel wanted." He ran a hand through his hair, a breath shuddering past his lips.

"Jos," he said, his voice hoarse as he stepped closer to me. "You know what this could do? It could change _everything._ "

It didn't matter at the time. The scorching memory of his body rocking against mine was the only thing on my mind, and I would stop at nothing to get more. To feel the same way he made me feel in those brief minutes. "I understand, Sethy. _Please_ do this for me. Just this once." He came even closer and cupped my face in his hands. We were both breathing hard, and the closeness of our mouths exhilarated me.

"Okay," he said breathily, after a couple of agonizing minutes. He then proceeded to give me the best kiss of my life -- past and present. No kiss will ever compare.

He brought his mouth down to mine and gently kissed the corner of my mouth. I moved myself closer and put my hands in his hair. I heard him groan before he fully covered my lips with his. We were so hungry to be more than just friends. I couldn't get enough of him. The way he sucked on my tongue and lips was like something out of a book.

I'd started roaming my hands over his body, baffled at how I'd never noticed how sexy he was. He had always been the little boy who called me a sissy on the playground and the one who told me he wouldn't be able to be with just one girl the rest of his life when I asked him to play pretend wedding.  Now he was this strong man who was making my body feel things I had never experienced.

He pulled back, and looked at me, his chest heaving. "We should go somewhere else," he said softly, eyes filled with longing.

"My parents are gone for the weekend," I said, letting my implication sink in. He pulled me through the door and locked it behind us. When he picked me up, I wrapped my legs around his hips so he could carry me upstairs.  His little moans and groans as my tongue teased along his neck made me want him more. He took me into my room and laid me down on my bed.

That's how we'd started. The more intimate we'd gotten, the more I wished we could be more than friends. We were good together, deeper, better than we were as friends. I learned so much more in those intimate moments than I had in our years of friendship.

We hid it from our parents and our friends. When Brooke started hanging out with us, she thought she noticed a connection, but we always denied it. It was hard to deny anything when his hand was always rubbing the inside of my thigh under the table. I assumed Seth didn't want to come out with our relationship because he didn't see it as a relationship.

I'd started to feel differently though, and after a week away on vacation to the Outer Banks, I was ready to confess my feelings for him. I'd texted him as soon as I was back in town and he told me to meet him at a get-together he was having at his house. A bon fire with his friends wasn't my ideal place to tell him I had fallen in love with him, but I couldn't wait any longer.

When I got to his house, the party was in full swing. Country music was blaring on a boom box someone put in the back of their truck. I couldn't see Seth in the mass of people that had come, so I started asking around. They pointed me toward the barn. I couldn't think of a reason he would be in there, but I went anyway. At least it would be a lot quieter.

I walked through the entrance and saw a light on and George's office door open.  I went there to tell Seth I was falling in love with him, but found him leaning against the desk, eyes closed and head hung, getting head from a girl I didn't know.

It was awful. The flash of his tongue licking his dry lips. The way he threaded his fingers through the girl's hair and gripping it hard. The way he pushed on her head to make her take more of him. Her obnoxious moans, and his heavy breathing.

I was sickened, and I couldn't. Stop. Staring!

A horse kicked its leg and I was jolted back to reality. I turned and walked away as quickly as I could. _I hope she chokes,_ I thought.

I took a shaky breath of the night air and willed myself not to have a panic attack. We weren't anything but friends. I had no reason to be upset—to feel so completely betrayed, but the fact that I would never get the chance to tell him how I felt... sucked. It more than sucked, it was gut-wrenching. I really thought we had something special between us, but he was still the bad boy who liked to have sex with any willing blonde. He didn't want me.

My heart shattered right there in the front of that barn. I knew then that if I had ever admitted my true feelings for him, then the pain would be suffocating. To have him know I was in love with him and then have him still getting girls on the side would have destroyed me.

But really... even without him knowing, I was still suffocating. Breathing unfiltered air. Choking on nails. I didn't know it could hurt so badly.

Five minutes later, while sulking in my car, Seth texted me. I groaned

**Seth: Hey kitty kitty... where are you?**

I didn't know if I should lie or tell him the truth. I opted for the truth. Better to get it out of the way now.

**Me: Hey, I'm in my car.**

**Seth: K. Stay there. I want to talk to you about something.**

Another groan escaped my mouth and I banged my head against the headrest. Why couldn't the night end?

Seth walked up to me with a huge grin on his handsome face.

_Yeah, I bet you_ are _happy, aren't you Seth?_

"Hey, gorgeous. I missed you!"  He wrapped me in a big hug.

_Sure you did._ I was bitter.

"Missed you, too, Seth. What's up?"

"You first. You told me you wanted to tell me something," he said, and leaned against the car. I mentally debated what I should tell him, and opted for a lie. _Not like I'm hurting anyone_.

"Oh, it's nothing I got a new book I'm excited about reading," I said with a shrug, scratching my nose lightly. He narrowed his eyes on my hand, but didn't call me out on my lie. "What about you? What do you need to tell me?"

"I kind of wanted to talk about you and me and what we're doing," he said, scratching the back of his neck.

"What about it, Seth?"

"Well... it's just that... Well, I think that with us going to school soon, I thought that maybe we should stop doing it," he finally sputtered.

It was for the best, but I still felt rejected. Like I hadn't quite lived up to what he wanted. He grabbed my chin and made me look at him.

"Hey, you're my best friend, Josie. I just thought that you deserve to go to college and meet other guys without feeling like you owe me anything. I've loved every second with you. I'm hoping this makes it easier for you."

I pulled out of his grasp, laughed, and shoved him away.

"I never felt like I owed you anything, Seth," I said with a fake smile. "I would have had you and all the boys falling at my feet in a couple weeks anyway. Now it's one less."

He laughed half-heartedly, but the slant of his brows made it deem like he was disappointed. But that didn't make sense. He broke it off with me. _So I could be with other guys_! Because... apparently he wanted other girls.

We'd gone our separate ways, and that was the end of our summer together. We slipped back into our friendship easily, but on the inside I had to keep reminding myself that he never saw me as anything but a friend. That was my motivation to move on.

# Chapter 24

### PAST—SENIOR YEAR

He stood against the barn staring at me with his mouth slightly parted in shock. He sank to the grass, put his head in his hands, and groaned. I started fidgeting, not knowing what to do. I was too bold. I was expecting too much out of him, and now I was about to be humiliated.

"Why are you asking _now_?" I didn't really know how to answer that question, or why he asked.

"Um... I mean... never mind, Seth. I shouldn't have asked. I'm sorry." I started to walk away, thoroughly mortified, but the sound of Seth's voice stopped me. He had moved from his spot on the ground, and walked up to me.

"I'm asking because I need to know if this is something temporary, something for you to do to get over Blake Or if you want something more." He looked at me intently and I could feel the importance of my answer in his tone.

"I promise it's temporary, Seth. Just until school starts again. I'm just feeling... lonely. I have some needs I need to take care of." I couldn't believe I said that.

I had gotten over Seth this past year and I knew it wasn't an option to have anything more substantial with him because he wanted to be friends. I hoped he believed I wouldn't fall for him again. Not that he ever knew about the first time—and not that he knew I never stopped loving him.

He thought about it for a minute, running his hands over his face. Then he stepped closer to me and grinned slowly—a downright wicked grin.

"You sure? I'll give you what you need, Jos. I'd do anything for you. But when I kiss you again, there's no way I'll wanna stop." He grabbed my waist, and pushed me against the wall of the barn. He leaned over me and waited for my answer.

All I had to do was go the next two weeks without admitting I was in love with my best friend, and I could go back to pretending. Two weeks of feeling wanted. Two weeks of forgetting that Blake didn't love me.

"Yes, I'm sure," I said softly.

He didn't need any more convincing and he claimed my mouth right then and there. He pulled my bottom lip into his mouth, nibbling seductively. Biting and soothing, pain and pleasure. Seth kissed like no one else and I went weak in the knees. He ground his hips into mine, eliciting a moan out of me.

Liking the encouragement, he trailed his hand up my back to grab a fist full of my long hair. He yanked it a little so he could get better access into my mouth and I shivered. My hands roved over his bare chest. He was smooth, sculpted, and delicious.  I tugged lightly on the piercings in his nipples and enjoyed the moan he let into my mouth.

I brought my mouth down and sucked the cold metal of his piercing, flicking it with my tongue, loving how the cold felt against my hot, greedy mouth. He growled and picked me up. The bulge of his cock hit my neglected pussy and I bucked my hips toward him, aching for more pressure.

Seth started walking us toward his dad's office, but I pulled away from his mouth to stop him.

"No. Not there. Take me back to your room," I said, trying to catch my breath. Seth lived in the converted upstairs in the garage. We wouldn't have to worry about any interruptions up there—or memories of my first broken heart. He nodded and carried me straight to his room, our hunger for each other increasing in every step he took.

Seth. Sex with Seth. I needed him like I needed my next breath of air.

He took off his shirt, and I admired the view. I started to slowly unbutton my top, and I loved the way Seth's eyes narrowed and darkened. When I got it off, he got down on his knees and kissed my stomach up to the bottom of my bra.

"You have the sexiest skin, Jos," he said, making my chest rumble as he spoke against me. His hands trailed where his mouth left kisses, goose bumps traveling up my arm. Light fingers made quick work of the clasp of my bra. He took his time kneading and sucking on my breasts, working me up until I couldn't take it anymore.

"I need you," I said. I unbuttoned my jeans and shimmied them down my short, tanned legs. He had me stop before I pulled down my underwear, making me sit on the bed while he took off his jeans and boxers.  His cock sprung out, and my mouth watered as I took in this beautiful naked man in front of me.

Tan solid muscled body. The peaks and valleys glistening with sweat. The tattoo on his ribs rising and falling with his rapid breath. He had gotten a couple more tattoos, and I was dying to trace them with my tongue. He ran his hands up my thighs until he reached the top of my panties.

"Nothing better than undressing you," he said with a small smirk, tugging my panties down my legs. He took them off with much more ease than I would have thought possible – then again, it _was_ Seth.

He took two of his fingers and traced the inside of my lower lips. He parted them and ran them through the wet excitement that had gathered. He closed his eyes briefly and then brought his fingers to his mouth.

"Oh god, Seth," I moaned as I watched him enjoy my taste. He smiled, gathered some more and put his fingers to my lips. I pulled his fingers into my mouth and sucked them clean, enjoying the sounds he made as I did so. He only stopped to grab a condom. I started to stop him, but he shook his head adamantly.

I guess there was no guarantee when your best friend slept around with any girl who walked. His fingers teased my nipples and he tugged them into his mouth. I forgot all about his past and focused on what he was doing to me in that moment.

He slid the condom on with ease, and kissed me passionately before sliding into my tight entrance. He moved slowly inside me and I brought my hips up to meet his at each thrust. He continued to kiss me, our tongues searching for more of each other with each second.

He was holding back. He'd always held back with me. He never let me give him head and he never went fast or hard with me. He was always slow and reserved. It was nice and beautiful, but I couldn't help thinking about how different the connection would be if he wasn't so... careful.

He leaned his forehead against mine and closed his eyes as our bodies slow danced together. I tried to fight against the feelings of guilt that haunted me. I felt like I was betraying Blake by being with Seth, even though Blake was the one who didn't want to make the relationship work.

As I let myself get lost in his movement and the sweet sensations, the pressure built inside me. He slowly brought me to an orgasm and I cried his name into his neck as I clenched around him. His movements started to get jerky and he let out one last groan before collapsing on the other side of me. He gathered me into his arms and held me close.

We stayed like that for a few minutes, Seth tracing patterns down my arm and running his hand through my hair. We enjoyed being close to each other, our friendship still intact despite our intimacy. I'll always love him, but I finally was at a point where I understood I couldn't have Seth like that.

I didn't like how guilty I felt. Guilty I still loved Seth and guilty I still had feelings for another man when I was wrapped in the arms of my best friend.

"You should let me draw you a design for a tattoo," Seth said.

"I want a floating lantern." It was something I had been thinking about since last summer.

"I could come up with something awesome for a lantern. Right here." He traced a space around my shoulder blade.  "Why a lantern?"

"You ever feel like you're reaching for something that's so close to being within your grasp, but you can't quite get it?"

He buried his face in my hair and breathed in deeply. "All the time," he whispered.

"I want that light. The light that makes me happy and calm, but it's out of my grasp. Sometimes, I feel like I'm reaching for something that is only meant to float away."

"I know how you feel." He kissed my shoulder and we laid there for a while before drifting off to sleep.

***

"You should let me take pictures of us together," Seth said into my neck between kisses. We had been spending almost every day together, and the days before I returned to school were dwindling.

I was shocked by his request. He wasn't referring to photos of us in clothes. "What?" I laughed.

"I think we should take pictures of us together. I can position the cameras so they won't get your face or see your body parts. I could make it extremely sexy, Jos," he said, the excitement of an artist dancing in his eyes.

"Will anyone see it?" I didn't feel good about this.

"Not unless you want them to. But it wouldn't be like anyone could tell it was you. I won't let anything distinguishable show and it will be in black and white, so no one could pick out your distinct features," he said, tracing patterns on my skin.

If no one would see it, then it wouldn't be that big of a deal. And I had seen some of his work. He really could get an angle that wouldn't show any of my features and have it be sexy. Maybe it was my sense of adventure, or maybe it was my curiosity, but I agreed.

"Okay," I said, and smiled at his almost childlike grin.

"Great, let me set the cameras up real quick." He gave me a quick kiss and hopped off me. I enjoyed watching his concentration while setting up his equipment, and most certainly enjoyed the view of his half-naked body.

I brushed my hair, removing some of the tangles from our day-long make-out session. I gave myself a once over, and then was startled by manly tattooed arms wrapping around me. Seth looked at me in the mirror, and leaned down to my ear.

"You're gorgeous, as always, Josie." He turned me around and brought his lips to mine. The kiss was slow and gentle, but still the lust built to a fevered pitch. He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the bed. I was a little embarrassed when he started undressing us, unable to believe I agreed to do something so risqué. He positioned me, and went back to his cameras to make sure his shot was right.

"Okay, don't think about the cameras," he said, coming back to me after setting the timers. He started sucking on my neck as his hands roamed my thighs, stomach, and chest. I tried to ignore the cameras and focused on his tongue and mouth on me.

_Click._ He brought one of my breasts into his mouth and sucked on my hard nipple. _Click._ I moved my hands into his shaggy sandy blonde hair and arched my back, needing more of him. _Click._

Seth aligned his chest with mine, and went back to assaulting my neck as I moved my hands to rub his shoulders and arms.  _Click._ His free hand moved its way in between my legs and rubbed me. I gasped at the increased pressure on my clit, and grew wetter at his touch. _Click._ Fuck, his hands were magic on my body. It didn't take me long before both the pressure of his mouth on my neck and breasts and the rubbing of his fingers against me made me come. _Click._

"So sexy," __ he whispered, before putting on the condom he had ready on the bed.

His eyes were hooded with desire, a passion he still kept guarded but let shine through for a brief second. He positioned himself in front of me and moved my long hair in a way that covered my breasts. _Click._ He eased inside of me and pulled back out fast. _Click._

He teased me like that for a while as I whimpered with need. I sat up and grabbed onto his back, nearly clawing him as I beseeched him to give me what I needed—what he was so hesitant to show me. I raised my hips to his at a better rhythm and loved the small whimper that came out of his mouth. _Click._

"I need more, Seth."

He wasn't giving me everything, and even though I didn't think it would change, I tried to convince him to go faster and harder. He was still gentle, but he didn't pull out all the way anymore. He finally filled me completely, and I let myself get lost in the feel of his cock buried deep inside my throbbing pussy. _Click._

I wanted more. I wanted to go at a faster pace, so I pushed him back and got out from under him.

"I want to ride you," I said. _Click._ He leaned back, taking me in as I climbed on top of him. He moved my hair again so it covered my profile, and then moaned as I started to writhe against him. It felt so good to let myself control the rhythm. I wasn't afraid to go fast and hard, and I took full advantage of it. He placed his hands on my hips to hold me, and I kept my hands on his chest to hold myself up. _Click._

I ground against him, hitting exactly where I needed more pressure, and the urge to let go rose. _Click._ I jerked a few times on him really hard and then scratched his chest, leaned my head back, letting my hair cascade down my back, and let out a loud cry as my pussy clenched with its release. _Click._

Seth moved his hands to my face and looked at me intently as he jerked inside of me, reaching his own climax. The look we gave each other was one of pure satisfaction and longing.

My Seth. My best friend and the person who had always been there for me. The man I wanted to love but couldn't let myself have. He looked like perfection in that moment. _Click._

He closed his eyes and let out a moan and said, "Oh god, Jos. I love you so much." It was muffled, but I heard him. I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes in thought.

_He meant it as a friend. Nothing more. He had his chance! I fell in love with someone else! I don't want to risk getting hurt again, and I don't want to risk losing him. I_ can't _lose him. He's the most important person in the world to me._ I heard Seth get up, and turn off the cameras. I kept my eyes closed, not ready to face him.

"I gotta go help Dad with some paperwork before I leave tomorrow. I'll see you there okay?" He kissed my forehead. "You're my best friend, Jos. These past couple of weeks have been amazing, but everything has to go back to normal tomorrow, okay?"

It proved what I already knew. __ He didn't love me like that _._ It was heart wrenching. But understandable. The more I thought about the possibility of being with him, the more terrified I became. What if he actually felt the same way as me? I'd be allowing myself to be put in a situation where I could have a shattered heart or worse—lose my best friend. That could _never_ happen. No matter what, I would work hard to never let him know I love him. I opened my eyes, ran a hand over my trembling jaw, and sent him a fake smile. "Yeah, everything will go back to normal. I'll see you there."

He patted my head, smiled, and walked out the door. I would go back to school, focus on graduating, and try my damnedest not to think about Seth and Blake at all.

# Chapter 25

### PAST—SENIOR YEAR

Brooke and I had decided earlier in the summer to split rent for an apartment near NCSU instead of applying for dorm residency. She had access to money through her parents, and they wouldn't let her live in anything dumpy. That's how I ended up renting an apartment with Brooke during my senior year, peanuts for rent.

I had packed up my car the day before, so all I had to do was say a goodbye to my dads and leave. I had no make-up on, threw on yoga pants and a green V-neck t-shirt, and kept my hair loose and unkempt around my shoulders. Brooke called me while I was on my way to tell me she was already there and was making Brandon help her unpack and bring up furniture.

I pulled up to Legend Cary Towne Apartments, shocked by how nice they were. I managed to find my way around to the apartment Brooke and I would be renting, and was even more shocked when I got a look inside. My dingy brown box looked completely out of place in this opulence.

Brooke ran out of what I assumed was her room, hurtling toward me. She wrapped me in a big hug and let out a small squeal of excitement. We hopped around in a circle holding each other's hands like girly teenagers.

"I missed you! Roomies again!" she said, barely containing her excitement. I was just as happy and laughed with her.

"Missed you, too. This place is a freaking palace!"

"Comes with some furniture, too. But I made Brandon bring a few extra things for us," she said, her smile never faltering. She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the other end of the apartment. "This will be your room. You told me you're scared of heights, so I took the liberty of occupying the room with the balcony."

"Thanks. That would have been a nightmare," I said.

"Yeah well, sometimes you have to make sacrifices for your best friends."

I took a moment to look around my room and fell in love. It was simple in white, but luxurious at the same time. My bed looked like a cloud. It was calling my name.

On my way out of the room, Brandon nearly ran into me carrying an end of some piece of large furniture.

"Whoa, sweetheart. Didn't think you would be here until later," he said with a strained smile. He was sweating and had a big chunk of his dark brown hair in his eyes. I moved out of the way so he could come into the room.

"Yeah, I decided to get a head start. Good--" I stopped short when I saw who was carrying the other end of the furniture. He was even more handsome now than he'd been three months ago.

I couldn't breathe. He was wearing dark designer jeans and had his button-down shirt open to reveal a white fitted undershirt. It looked like he'd been working out more, his muscles strained. His hair was still cropped short and his eyes were as intense as ever, but the intensity paled when I got a look at the smile on his beautiful thin lips. His eyes travelled up my body, and I heated in every spot his eyes touched.

"Let's get this down and then you two can continue your eye fucking later," Brandon said, breathing hard from exertion. Blake's eyes looked into mine for a moment longer before the two of them continued moving the large piece of wood I'd barely looked at.

They laid it up against the wall, and I finally processed what they brought in. It was a white bookcase that had French detailing carved into the front of the mahogany. It took my breath away. I ran my hand over the carvings, loving every small handmade detail that made it look like a piece of art.

"Oh my god, this is beautiful," I whispered. I was entranced, envisioning all my books on there.

"Isn't it just gorgeous?" Brooke asked, walking into the room with a smile. I grinned at her, and nodded.

"You shouldn't have gotten this for me. It's too much. I'm already living here for practically nothing." I didn't want to give it up, but it was too much to keep it. She smiled.

" _I_ didn't get it, darlin'," she said in a sing song voice. I knitted my brows in confusion.

"Who did?"

Brooke grabbed Brandon's arm and pulled him toward the door. "I'm sworn to secrecy," she said making a gesture of zipping her lips and dragging Brandon out of the room.

I was alone with Blake and electricity filled the air around us. His dark brown eyes locked onto mine as soon as I turned around. We didn't say anything, but we didn't have to. Our eyes alone spoke volumes. Mine told him that I wasn't over him. His told me that he hadn't changed his mind about us.

"I didn't think you would be here while I helped them," he said, breaking the silence. I sat down on my big comfy bed, and tried not to feel hurt by his words.

"I'm sorry you had to see me, Blake. I'll stay out of your way until you're done."  I didn't want to make him suffer any more than he had to.

"That's not what I meant, dammit," he said roughly. He turned away and took a few deep breaths. I took advantage of the angle and checked out his ass in those jeans. They hugged him just right, hanging low on his defined hips

"That's not what I mean, Jo," he said again, turning to look at me. "I didn't think you would want to see me after what I did to you." His eyes were troubled. For someone who had such a commanding presence, I loved that he could always come off as soft and gentle. Especially around me.

"You didn't _do_ anything to me, Blake. I wasn't good enough for you, and that's not your fault. I gave you that ultimatum," I said, trying to act nonchalant about it, when in reality I was still stung. He knelt down in front of me and grabbed my chin.

"Don't do that. You're _too_ good. That's why I knew I had to give you up. I've been fucking miserable without you. I figured you wouldn't want to see me," he said. I put a few feet of space between us. His proximity was getting to me. My heart raced and pounded in my chest, my body was hot, and I felt like I couldn't catch a breath.

"How's the business?" I asked to take my mind off of what he just told me. "What did you end up naming the company anyway?"

"It's doing well. We got a pretty big job over the summer, so that kept me busy. I was able to get a couple of other jobs because of that one. It's been good having a lot of contacts through the brewery. I decided to go simple and call it Porter's Architecture and Design." He paused, sighing and sitting on the bed. "Jo, I don't wanna talk about business. I want to talk to you."

I closed my eyes and let the warmth of his words wash over me.

"You got this for me," I whispered, touching the bookshelf. I didn't want to think of the possibility earlier, but the romantic gesture was Blake, through and through.

I felt his presence behind me, and I shivered.

"Yes, love. And before you say anything, it would break my heart if you didn't accept it," he said, his lips against to my ear. My breath quickened and I was amazed that he could still affect me in that way, even after all that time.

He moved his hand so it wrapped around my stomach. Dipping his head, he ran his nose along my jawline to my ear, inhaling as he went. I shivered, and felt the primal need to be with him again.

"I missed you so much, Blake," I whispered as he nibbled my ear. I moaned at the shock I felt when his tongue touched me. Desired burned a trail to my sex. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest. Blake moved his hand so he could lift my hair and pull it off of my left shoulder to get better access to my neck. I melted into him as he continued to play with my ear. He started to trail kisses down my neck, but he stopped abruptly, stiffened, and then pulled away from me.

"Apparently you didn't miss me enough," he growled. I turned around at his abrupt absence and looked at him in bewilderment.

"What do you mean?"

His eyes were filled with anger and hurt and I didn't understand what I could have done in a second to have made him so upset. He threw daggers at my neck. I looked down as he came up to me, and was shocked to see that there was a purplish blue mark on my collar bone. I closed my eyes. Seth loved my neck, and especially loved leaving marks on my skin.

Blake saw another man's hickey on my neck.

"Must not have missed me too much, Jo." He touched the area surrounding my mark and sighed. He was hurt. I was mad. _How dare he?_ I crossed my arms and glared at him.

"Not that it's any of your business, but that mark doesn't mean anything. I _did_ miss you. _Excuse_ me for looking for affection from someone after not being good enough for the man I thought I loved!"

It _did_ mean something, but Blake didn't have to know that. He had no right to judge.

"And don't you dare think this is worse than sleeping with Alice while we were together."

"You know, that's the second time you've implied that I slept with her, but I haven't. If you wanted to know, all you had to do was ask."

"I didn't imply anything. I'm letting you know that I _know_ you slept with her while you were with me, just like you cheated on her while you two used to date." My cheeks were on fire, but I couldn't help the overwhelming hurt and frustration that had been building up through the months.

"Alice and I haven't done anything since high school, Josie. And I never dated her, either. We were friends who used to hook up a little. In fact, my older brother was more into her than I ever was." He moved closer to me and cupped my cheeks.

"You're right, about one thing. I have no right to be mad at you. But it kills me to see that on you," he said, looking at the hickey on my neck. "To think another man touched you, when it should only be me, is fucking torture. You're supposed to be _mine_ , Josie. Not someone else's." He backed me against the bookcase. "It should only be me touching you. Loving you. Making you feel sexy and dirty at the same time. It should be _me._ " I looked into his troubled, dark eyes and knew if he asked me to be his, I would say yes in an instant.

"It _can_ be only you who touches me, Blake. But you have to let me in. You can't push me away. Are you ready to do that yet?" He closed his eyes. Bad sign.

"I wish you believed me when I told you that you really shouldn't be around my family," he said, shaking his head before kissing the corner of my mouth. A small cry escaped my lips at the contact. It was extremely sensual, a hint of his tongue against a small portion of my lips. "I need more time to figure out what I'm going to do about that first. So, no I won't be able to stop pushing you away."

"I'll be waiting Blake," I said softly, as he walked towards the door. I heard him sigh.

"I wish you wouldn't," he said and walked out.

# Chapter 26

### PRESENT— THURSDAY

On Wednesday, I struggle to keep my emotions in check while working. Knowing that Daddy won't be calling me after work makes me feel the sorrow of his loss once again. Being alone in the classroom during lunch isn't my best option in a time like this, but I'm not ready to be around the other teachers yet either.

Surprise perched its head when each of my students enters my classroom carrying a single rose. I stop asking what's going on when I keep getting fits of giggles as responses. The last two students come in with a note attached to a rose and a crystal vase. I take it from them, and they return to their seats laughing. After filling the vase with water, I put the 18 roses inside. It's beautiful. Finally, I open the attached note.

_"Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light." – Albus Dumbledore_

_I love you, Jo._

How the hell am I not supposed to melt a little at that romantic display? The quote is so relevant to how I've been feeling. Darkness has been a constant in my life, but I've always been able to pull out of it and find happiness. I'll make it through this too.

I make my own happiness—I need to remember that.

Blake's thick body is leaning against my car as I walk out of the building, and he grins when he sees me coming. He looks so good, and my heart beats enthusiastically at the sight of him. I run and leap into his arms. He swings me around while I place chaste kisses all over his face. His deep laugh vibrates through his chest into mine.

"Thank you so much," I whisper in his ear.

"I'd do anything for you," he says, capturing my lips with his. He's always known the key to my heart was through books. We walk through the park and talk for hours before I decide to go home.

The next day, I convince Blake to come to my house. My heart pounds as I finish putting on the final touches of make-up. He'll be here any minute, and I'm not sure I'm ready for what could happen tonight. Will we just talk? Will we reminisce? Will we have sex? I don't know and those thoughts have been on my mind all day.

Today contained another surprise as well. He still won't admit to his hand in it, but someone anonymously donated a large chunk of money for the school library. Blake listened to me complain about that library for hours when we used to be together, so the fact that he remembered and did something about it means the world to me.  He may not have put his name out there for me to really know, but I know. I _know_ it was Blake.

"I didn't do it, Jo," he said, trying and failing to hide a smile. "Look, will you stop talking about it if I agree to come up to the apartment later?"

I pinched my lips together in thought, and decided that yes, I could drop the subject if I could have the chance to spend the night with him.

Of course, that's why my heart is pounding as I wait a tad impatiently for Blake to get here. I slip into jeans and a loose t-shirt, not wanting him to think I care too much, but it's a lie. I care a _whole_ lot.

He makes it so easy to forget everything bad that's happened to us and move on. He's making me feel like I can forgive him, something I always felt would be impossible.

It's not just that he lied. It's the _truth_ that's paralyzing. I don't know how he does it, but he makes me want to forget it all and accept the comfort and familiarity of our old relationship.

The knock stops me mid-pace. I walk to the door, and check myself out in the mirror in the hallway before opening it.

"Oh, hey," I say to the perfect man standing in front of me, crossing my arms and leaning against the door frame. I'm trying to play it cool, but my insides are roaring to life. He chuckles and leans in to kiss my cheek.

"Hello to you, beautiful," Blake says, and then steps into the apartment. I watch as he walks ahead of me, taking in those black trousers that outline his round ass and the light blue dress shirt that strains over the solid muscle of his back. Mmm. Why does he have to be so damn good looking?

I can feel how confident and demanding he is as soon as he is in the same space as me. I don't even try lying to myself—it's freaking sexy. I've seen him at work, and I know firsthand how sexy he is being the boss.

As he looks around the apartment, my nerves get the best of me. I changed things when he broke my heart because it was too much of a reminder of the semi-home that we had made there together. The only room that I haven't repainted is the bedroom. I can't do it. I've been torturing myself for the past year with his memory, sitting in the closet and staring at the sweet message he painted on the wall.

"Looks good, Jo," he says, turning around to face me and pulling me from my thoughts. I shrug and walk into the living room. I sit on my new green couch and wait for him to finish his appraisal. He walks over to the bookshelf I could never give away and looks at the new books I've accumulated within the last year.

"I always loved how much you liked to read. I don't know how, but it made you even sexier," he says, then comes and sits next to me on the couch. I roll my eyes and he gives me his self-assured crooked smile.

He pulls me toward him, and I giggle as he tickles my sides. It feels normal, natural, and also annoyingly painful. My laughter encourages him, and he continues his torture, until he has me captured underneath his body.

He rubs his nose along my neck and up behind my ear, breathing me in. I shiver at the intimacy of the contact. My cheeks flush, and my eyelashes flutter in beat with my heart. He smiles and rubs his thumb across my rosy cheek.

"So beautiful," he whispers before lowering his head to mine. His lips are electrifying against mine. Warm lips, wetting mine as we sink into passionate familiarity. Our hands search each other's bodies and our tongues clash perfectly in a battle into each other's hearts.

He pulls my bottom lip between his teeth and gives it a tug. I moan against his mouth, and move my hips up to meet his. I want so badly for this to continue with no clothes, so I rub my body against his, hoping he gets the message. He gives a deep combination of a moan and a growl. Possibly the sexiest sound I've ever hear him make. He tries to slow down the kiss, but my body, mind, and soul want nothing to do with that, so I continue to push harder. I grip the hair on the back of his head and keep him firmly against my mouth.

He tears himself away from my grasp, panting. "Jesus, Josie." He moves as far from me as he can. "What the hell are you doing?" His frustration and anger crash into me in waves, but I'm confuse. Why doesn't he want anything more with me?

"I thought it was pretty clear what I'm trying to do, Blake. I think the question here is what the hell are _you_ doing? Because to me, it seems like a lot of leading on and then pulling back."

I rise from the couch and stalk angrily into the kitchen. _How dare he?_ I think to myself. _He keeps telling me he loves me and kisses me passionately, only to pull back and not continue what he started._

In an effort to take my mind off of my raging hormones, I start getting everything I need to make dinner. Blake's thick arms wrap around me as I slam vegetables onto the counter. He nuzzles his face in my neck and gives me a soft kiss. I feel my anger soften at his gentleness.

"I love you, Jo. We just need to talk before we do that. You _know_ that." He spins me around so I'm facing him, and smoothly places a lock of my hair behind my ear. "You don't understand how it felt to have you look at me like that a year ago. I don't want to be a constant reason for that look of hatred and disgust. I can't do it, Jo. You deserve better than that. So we have to talk it out. Do you get that?"

I nod. It makes sense. I wanted to believe it wouldn't have to come to that. "One more night," I whisper to him. "One more night to act like it didn't happen, and then tomorrow we can talk about it." He nods his head in agreement, and we finish making a healthy dinner. Together.  

# Chapter 27

### PAST—SENIOR YEAR

I went through the first half of my senior year focusing on my school work. I tried my hardest to make sure no man got in the way of me becoming a successful woman. I studied, and rarely went out to parties. I read in the sanctuary of my room and that became my life for the first half of my senior year.

My student teaching turned out to be an outlet for me to focus on something other than Blake and the hope he would come back to me. Despite my hopes for peace, Blake couldn't quite let me go. No—he still made a subtle presence in my life for weeks, making it impossible to forget about him.

Browsing my bookshelf one night, I noticed a book I knew I'd never owned. It was a Dr. Seuss, _Oh, the Places You'll Go._ I cocked my head when I saw it, and grabbed it from the shelf.

_What in the world,_ I thought, cracking open the book. I was pretty sure I'd read that book in elementary school, but I didn't remember it. I flipped through the pages and stopped when I found a highlighted part in the book. Someone found this passage important.  "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."

I loved it immediately after reading it, which piqued my curiosity even more about who put it there. I had a feeling it was Blake, but I didn't know when he could have come in.

But the passage made me think. Only _I_ could decide the direction of my life. I flopped onto my bed and read the children's story, realizing that even though it was meant for a kids, it gave me inspiration as an adult. I fell asleep holding onto the book, hoping there would be another book waiting for me soon.

I looked every day after that in hopes of finding another book and eventually my obsessiveness paid off. A week later there was another book. _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_ was stuck in between the books on my shelf. It looked well-read, and my heart raced, hoping to find another highlighted quote. I flipped through the pages and finally found one. "There's nothing like deep breaths after laughing that hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons." I smiled. Blake used to tell me something similar while we were dating. I knew it was him.

Once a week I would find a new book with a new quote waiting for me. Some of them inspired me, and some of them made me laugh. All of them made me love Blake more.

Winter break was approaching, and I kept hoping Blake would come to me and let me know he still cared. I waited, looking for an inkling or hint that he might still be in love with me. But the quotes were never about love.

Until one day it was.

I checked my shelf again the week before I was supposed to leave for break and was excited to see a new book. It was one I had read many times and had a copy of at my house.  _The Notebook._ This quote could change everything. My heart raced as I flipped through the pages. Tears welled in my eyes once I found and read the quote Blake left for me.

_"I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, every day we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours."_

_He loved me._ He still cared. The need to see him consumed me, so I rushed out of my apartment as fast as I could. I drove the twenty minutes to his office and hurried inside with incredible determination.

He was standing in front of his desk with two other workers looking at a blueprint. He was pointing to something on the page, when I rushed in. He looked up abruptly when he heard the door swing open and hit the wall with a loud thud.

"You love me," I breathed.

Blake raised his eyebrows and smirked. He looked over at the two dumbfounded employees and whispered something to them. They walked past me and closed the door. Blake leaned against the front of his desk, and crossed his sexy manly arms across his chest.

"You love me, Blake," I said again, holding up the book.

"How do you know that's me?" he asked and cocked his head. I walked closer to him, and left about an inch between us.

"I just know," I whispered. He smiled and brought his hand to my face.

"Yes, Jo. I still love you. I can't stop," he said, leaning into me.

He looked into my eyes, and rubbed his thumb against my cheek. His simple touch made my breathing erratic and my heart beat faster than the seconds on a clock. I still cared too. I wanted what we had—the easy way we loved each other.

"I love you too, Blake," I said, leaning in closer, hoping he would close the miniscule distance between our lips.

He moved his hand to the back of my head and gripped some of my hair when he pulled me to his lips. It felt like the world around me had exploded when I felt the pressure of his mouth on mine. Every nerve in my body was at attention, and every little movement we made ignited a fire in the pit of my stomach. My book dropped to the floor with a thump as we got lost in each other.

It was intense. It was passionate. My hands roamed over his body, and I enjoyed listening to the little deep sounds of pleasure it brought out of him. He backed me against the wall in his office and started attacking my neck.

"Oh... oh my god, Blake," I moaned. He replied with a moan of his own as he kissed his way up my ear. My body was hot with excitement and it didn't take long for me to grow soaking wet as he continued using his tongue on me.

"I never slept with anyone else, Jo," he said, looking into my eyes intently. "It's always been you—I just needed some time. I'm not ready to talk about everything with my family, but I'm ready to stop pushing you away, because you are it for me. You're _it_ , Jo. I will love you every day for as long as I live."

Blake nuzzled his nose against my cheek and into my hair. I closed my eyes at the gentle touch and guilt washed over me. I was relieved to learn he and Alice hadn't done anything, and I believed him. But it made me feel a little guilty about what I did over the summer. I couldn't tell him that I had slept with my best friend multiple times. Even if we weren't together—especially since I told him that Seth was like a brother to me. So I did what I thought was best.

"I haven't been with anyone else either. Not like that," I lied.

I kept my hands firmly laced behind his neck, and closed my eyes so he couldn't detect the lie.  I was a horrible person for lying, but what he didn't know couldn't hurt him. What happened with Seth couldn't mean nearly as much as it did when it was with Blake. Because Blake loved me. Seth couldn't return the same affection and love I felt for him, so there was no meaning behind it other than a really good friendship. There was more of a possible future with Blake than there was with Seth. Seth never loved me, and Blake always did.

"It's always been you for me too, Blake," I said, accepting the truth. Finally.

He captured my mouth again and we were all tongues, hands, heavy breathing, and moans. We couldn't get enough of each other. I relished the feel of his hands touching my sensitive and aching breasts. I took advantage of the moment and studied every definition and crevice on his fit body. I didn't think it was possible, but he was even sexier now than before. He was manlier now. He wasn't just my college boyfriend, he was my _man._

His hand had traveled under my shirt and every path he took sent my body into a wild frenzy. He moved to the top button on my jeans and I sucked in a sharp breath. I was anxious for him to continue, but I wasn't sure if he would let it progress to that since we were in his office.

I closed my eyes and moaned, hoping he would take that as a hint to continue the path of his hand. He licked my ear, and nibbled on it before he slipped his fingers into my jeans. I let out a whimper as he slid his fingers into my wet folds.

I wasn't going to last. For months I'd been dying for him to touch me. He moaned and put his head in my neck, continuing to rub me. I moved my hips in sync with his hand, desperately needing the release that only he could give me. I was getting close, and my breathing and moans were proof of my excitement. Blake's hand stilled and he kissed my neck.

"I want you to come on my mouth," he said roughly and picked me up.

I wrapped my legs around him and let out a small squeal as he moved us over to his desk. He sat me on the edge, moving a couple files out of our way. He gave me his hand and helped me back down so he could take off my jeans, excruciatingly slowly. His hands caressed my butt and thighs as he worked my pants off of my needy body. His hot, damp lips moved over every spot that his hands touched, causing me to shiver.

Blake rose from the ground, and grabbed the hem of my shirt as he came to full height.

"Arms up, love," he said with a smirk. I obliged, and was rewarded with his sensual touch against my bare skin as he slid my top over by head. My bra was next, and he had that off quicker than I could have taken it off myself. I would have to talk to him about that later.

Blake took a step back and ran his eyes down my body, leaving behind a trail of fire on my skin.

"Dreams don't do you justice, Josie. You are so beautiful," he said softly, dragging his eyes up to meet mine. My mouth was agape, and I was panting with anticipation. I closed my thighs in an effort to relieve some of the pressure that was building, but he inched toward me and put out his arm to stop my legs from coming together. His fingers traced my swollen clit. I wasn't sure I was still conscious anymore.

He moved his hands to my hips and lifted me up onto the now clean desk. Spreading my legs wide, he knelt on the floor. I leaned back on my hands and let my long hair fall down my back. When his tongue touched me, I nearly convulsed against him immediately. He kept it on my throbbing clit and moved his fingers inside of me. I cried out loudly at the friction of his fingers and tongue, and my nipples puckered even tighter as he continued to pleasure me.

It was ironic to think of this god of a male creature bowing on his knees before me, bringing me to the point of ecstasy just because he loved to do it. It was sexy and hot, and it made me love him even more.

He sucked my clit into his mouth, and I climbed to the orgasm he was trying to steal. I wasn't going to be able to hold on for more than a second.

"Oh, Blake!" I cried out as I came, writhing against the desk.

He moaned against me, but I was so lost in my orgasm I barely noticed. He lapped eagerly until I was able to calm down and come back to myself. When our eyes met, he smiled.  He stood up and took off his dress shirt, wiping his face before he threw it on the floor. His dress pants and boxers were next, and I took in the sight of the man who loved me.

"You are too good looking, Blake," I said in mock exasperation.

He chuckled softly under his breath and reached for my red cheeks. He kissed my lips softly and I groaned, wanting more. The next time he put his mouth on mine, I slipped my tongue forward and wrapped my hands around his neck. I could taste myself and him together, the sweet taste of the passion we'd shared. So sexy. I arched my back so my nipples hit his hard, bare chest.

Blake sucked my tongue into his mouth, making me moan for him again. I needed more of him. I needed to feel him inside me, filling me so I could feel complete. "More..." I whispered to him. He positioned himself in front of me, while I wrapped my legs around his waist. His tip hit my pussy. He grabbed my cheeks again, and kissed me while he pushed himself inside.

I gasped, and threw my head back in pleasure. He gripped my hips firmly in his hands and kept a steady rhythm. The feel of his hard length filling me, then leaving me, only to come back was so electrifying and thoroughly missed that I lost all sense of being.

I didn't care we were in his office. I didn't care he was fucking me on a desk. I didn't care that the people in the hall could probably hear my cries of ecstasy. All I cared about was the man I loved and the way that only he was able to make me feel.

Another orgasm built inside me. A sheen of sweat covered both of our bodies. His grasp on my waist gripped harder as he brought his other hand to grab some of my hair to tilt back my neck. He nipped at my skin, and I gripped his shoulders, loving the ride.

"I'm going to come," I breathed, grabbing his bare back. Blake moaned and somehow brought me even closer to him. He moved me up and down on his arousal. My nails dug into his back and I let out a loud scream as I came around him, legs gripping and toes curling. His movements were erratic and I heard him groan as he released himself into me. My insides clenched around him, wanting to milk out every last drop of him.

We were both breathing heavily as we came down from the high of our sexual peak. Our arms were wrapped around each other and we basked in post-coital bliss. After a few minutes, Blake unwrapped himself from me, and went to the bathroom that was in the office. He came out with a wash cloth and approached me. When he started to clean me himself, I was a little shocked and embarrassed, but it felt so intimate that I didn't stop him. He placed chaste kisses along my thigh and then on my lips when he was finished.

We dressed, and he told me he was going to tell one of the other workers to close up for him, so he could spend the rest of the day with me. To say I was red in the face when I passed the workers as we left his office would be an understatement. I couldn't bring myself to look at them and Blake thought it was the funniest thing in the freaking world.

We went to my favorite bookstore and I agonized over which of three books to buy. Blake put all three on the counter and paid for them without acknowledging my protests. We laughed and talked all day. Getting to know each other once again. We went to Lantern to eat dinner and were happily surprised to see a band performing for the night. We danced and held each other close, happy to be right back to where we belonged.

We were seated at the table eating our dinner when I decided to ask about the bruises and the complete change in character after spring break. It was an issue I couldn't get past.

"So, I know you don't want to talk about everything that happened. I can accept that. What I can't accept is how much you changed after that day at your mom's house." I looked away and let myself think about how I was going finish what I had to say. I swallowed, and decided that I needed to know.

"I want to know about the bruises. What were you doing? Why were you always with Alice? I wanted to be there for you, and you acted like she was the only one who could help you." I was still smarting over that. I wanted to be the one he could turn to. That's what a relationship is supposed to be about. He pulled back and tucked some of my hair behind my ear.

"Alice's dad owns an underground gym where people like me can go and fight. It's right next to their house and I went there to let off some steam. I could beat the shit out of guys to get out some of my anger, I guess. I don't really know how to explain it, but it helped. Or at least I thought it did. I still lost you, so I don't really think that'd be considered helping."

It made sense. I could understand needing an outlet to help focus. I also understood the need to get out anger and hurt through exercise or in his case, fighting.

"I get it, Blake," I said and leaned into his chest. "I just wish you would've let me help. You could've gone to some of my self-defense classes with me."

"I could've, but then I would've had to kick your butt, and I didn't want to hurt your feelings," he joked. "I really am sorry, Jo. I didn't feel like I deserved you, so I tried to stay away."

"You're the only person I want, Blake."

For some reason, the words tasted bitter on my tongue.

# Chapter 28

### PAST—SENIOR YEAR

"I got into a gallery to show some of my photography!" Seth barged into our apartment and announced loudly.

Brooke and I were alone in the living room, but you would have thought there was a full-blown party raging from how loud he was talking.

"Holy shit! Seth! That's fucking awesome," I shrieked, jumping off of the couch to run to him. He picked me up and spun me around. This was huge for him. It could mean a lot of things for his career after graduation next month. He put me down after a few turns and I couldn't stop myself from doing a little happy dance for him.

"Where? When? What are you going to show?" I asked in between happy dancing. Seth's smile lit up his whole face.

We had fallen back into our roles as friends easily, and didn't talk about what had happened before school started. At first, he had kept his distance, but it seemed like our self-defense classes always helped us get back onto good terms. I guess forcing us to be close together and relate on a common issue was beneficial to our friendship.

He slept with random women, and I learned to shut it out. When he found out Blake and I had gotten back together, I didn't hear from him for a week, but he came back around eventually, never explaining his aloofness.

I didn't think he disliked Blake, but I could tell that they weren't going to be the best of friends either. Okay, that's another lie I told myself. They hated each other. I felt it every time the two of them were in that same room. Seth and Brandon seemed to hit it off really well though.

Brooke and Brandon had become inseparable in the last few months. They were officially a couple, and they made it known everywhere. The kitchen. The living room. The bathroom. The balcony. I even caught them going at it in my bedroom once. They said they were looking for a book and got distracted. I rolled my eyes and kicked them out.

"It's right before graduation. Like, the weekend before. My professor got me a chance to show for one night at Artspace. He said there could be potential offers for more work if I do it. People are going to see my work, Pussycat!" he exclaimed, picking me up again. When he put me down, he wrapped me in a big hug and placed exaggerated sloppy kisses all over my face. His playfulness was thoroughly welcome. I'd missed him. I laughed wildly at his silly behavior but stopped when I turned and saw Blake standing in the doorway.

Blake's face was stormy, but I didn't understand why. He knew Seth was my best friend, and he had no reason to be upset. Except, maybe if he knew about the two of us, but there was no way he did.

"Hey, baby," I said and walked out of Seth's embrace and over to Blake. He fixed Seth with a dark and dangerous stare until I wrapped my small body around his. "Seth was just telling us that he got a spot in a gallery showing in a couple weeks."

I'd hoped my explanation of our behavior would help the situation, but everyone could feel the tension in the air. Seth's mood did a one-eighty, going from elated to pissed and hurt and a tad cocky. It was some kind of telepathic war going on between the two men and I was in the middle. I turned Blake as hard as I could so he would focus on me. I didn't like the look he was giving Seth.

"What's wrong?" I whispered. Blake looked down to me and his eyes softened at my worried expression. He seemed to shake off whatever had him in its grip.

"Nothing, love. That's great news." He wrapped a possessive arm around me and looked back at Seth. "Congrats, man." Seth gave him a curt nod, and then got run over by Brandon's manly hug.

"Yeah, dude! That's sweet. Can't wait to see that. You should show some of those sexy pictures you take of those hot women. I'd buy one of them," he said with a laugh. The laugh died in his throat when Brooke came up to him and wacked him across the head.

We went the rest of the night without any more awkward male hormonal eye fighting, and had a good time celebrating Seth's new opportunity. Brooke and I decided we could put a hold on our studies for one night and drink with everyone else.

We had our own little party inside the apartment. I drank way too much and had to pee for like the fourth time in that hour. I went to the bathroom, the room spinning as soon as I closed the door. A trip to the bathroom seemed to always reveal how drunk I actually was. When I walked out, I ran into Seth.

"Hey yoooouuuu.... Rockstar," I slurred. He laughed and held me steady.

"Watch it Pussycat, you look like you might black out any second."

"I've got walls to help support me. No need to worry," I said, raising my chin as if I had made a perfectly valid argument.

I started to walk away, but he grabbed my elbow and pulled me back. I felt sick. That was not the right movement. I braced myself against him, using his shoulders to balance, and then looked up at him.

"I'll walk you back out there," he said. If I wasn't so drunk I might've been able to pinpoint what was running through his mind when he looked at me then. But I couldn't discern anything in that state. "But I need to ask you something first."

"Okayyyy... go ahead, ask away."

"I was hoping I could use those pictures we took together last summer in the showcase." I hadn't expected him to say that, but my mind was too foggy to fully comprehend his question. I tilted my head and just stared at him. He was so handsome it hurt to look at him most days. I loved his full lips and devil-may-care grin.

"I've edited them, so no one will be able to tell it's you. They may be able to tell it's me from the tattoos, but they definitely won't know it's you," he said, trying to convince me. I thought about it for a few seconds and decided in my drunken state that it shouldn't be that big of a deal for him to show the pictures at the gallery. If no one would know, then what was the big deal?

"Okay," I said with a shrug. "As long as no one knows it's me."

He smiled and hugged me close. "Thank you," he breathed.

I searched his eyes, so gorgeous, I wanted to look at them for days. I sighed as I thought about what we could've had if he hadn't broken my heart by getting head from another girl. He was right in front of me and yet, I could never have him.

"Oh, Sethy..." I whispered. I wanted so much. I wanted him. "Why? Why did you let me walk away from you?"

He looked blurry, but I felt his arm solid against my back. I swallowed back the tears that threatened to fall. "Jos..." he whispered, threading his fingers through my hair. "What...? I _never_ wanted you to--"

"Josie?" Seth and I both turned at the sound of Blake's voice. We looked at each other once more, his breathing hard and fast, and then I took a step back before Blake fully turned the corner. His hand reluctantly slid out of my hair, letting his fingers linger over my shoulders before he shoved them into his pockets.

Blake walked up then, looking back and forth between the two of us. "You okay, love?" Blake asked me, eyes trained on Seth.

Seth's jaw clenched and he looked at the floor. I hated how deflated he looked. I wanted... so much. I wanted to hug him, kiss him, hold him... whatever I could to make him smile at me again. I inwardly rolled my eyes at my drunk hormones and forced back the stinging tears.

I swayed on my feet, and Blake's arm reached around my waist to hold me up. "Yeah," I said, my eyes never leaving Seth's face. I shook my head and swallowed hard. I turned into Blake's embrace, and gave him a sloppy smile. "Yeah, baby. I'm havin' a lil' trouble walkin'."

He finally looked into my eyes and led me back into the living room, right past Seth, whose eyes watched me leave the whole way. Blake took over the duty of taking care of my wasted ass for the rest of the night, and I fell asleep with a smile. I loved everyone I was with that night. I never wanted anything to change.

***

I was coming up on closing the chapter of my college career and I was nervous and excited. I secured a job with the school I did my student teaching for, grateful to have found a perfect opportunity straight out of college.

Seth, Brooke, and I all passed our finals for the year, and felt a huge wave of relief knowing that we were finished with school.

It was the weekend of Seth's gallery showing and we were all anxious to see what he had chosen to put in the showcase. He kept pretty mum about what collection he would be using, so I didn't know if he was going to show off his exhibitionist side or his naturalistic side.

I dressed in a black baby doll dress with black heels, and smoky eye makeup. Blake came up behind me, always looking handsome in black slacks and a deep red dress shirt. He looked incredible in anything, but he looked downright delicious in that moment. He wrapped his arms around me as I finished playing with my hair in the mirror.

"You look unbelievable, Jo," he said, and nuzzled his head into the crook of my neck. I put my head to the side so I could enjoy the feel of his lips grazing my skin. He pressed himself into my back, hard as a rock even though we were fully clothed.

"Mmmm." I moaned, and ground my hips against his erection. "You look fairly handsome too, if I do say so myself."

He laughed into my neck, continuing to make motions with his tongue against my skin. I moaned again. His tongue did amazing things to my body. I turned around and pressed up against him. I knew we didn't have much time before we had to leave, but I was going to pleasure him before we did.

I moved my hands down to his arousal and rubbed it through his pants. He groaned and tilted his head back so it hit the wall. I loved watching him react to me. It made me want to do more to him. I carefully went to my knees in from of him, and unzipped his pants.

"We have to go, Jo," he said, when he looked down at me and realized what I intended to do to him. I shrugged and continued to take him out of his boxers.

I looked up one more time before I wrapped my mouth around him. He let out a loud moan and closed his eyes. He was too big to fit all of him in my mouth, but I tried to get as much of him in as I could. I used my other hand to move up and down as I licked and sucked on him. I hollowed out my throat so I could take him deeper, and knew I succeeded when he started saying "oh my god".

His moans and breathing were all encouragement for me to continue. I felt him throbbing in my mouth, and it made me suck him even harder. He tasted so good, clean and soft. I wanted him to come in my mouth and he knew it, so he didn't try to move me when he finally did. I felt his hot come in the back of my throat, and although the taste was unpleasant, it didn't matter because it felt liberating to have made him come.

"You're so fucking sexy, Josie," he said when I was done licking him clean. There were red lipstick marks all over his dick but he didn't care. He smiled at me and stood me up so he could kiss me. I let him do it briefly before I decided to brush my teeth again. I loved him, but it only seemed appropriate to brush my teeth before going to a show and talking to a bunch of people.

We pulled up to Artspacee, excitement fluttering in my stomach. I was so proud of Seth—so proud that he followed his dreams and was receiving the recognition he deserved. When we walked in, we were directed to the portion of the gallery that was showcasing Seth's work. Seth was standing in the middle talking to a group of people, and I couldn't help but smile. He was already getting recognition, if not for his work, then for his looks.

Blake and I walked toward him and I immediately pulled him in for a hug. "I'm so proud of you Seth." He kissed my forehead and murmured a thank you. When I pulled out from his hug, I looked for Blake, and noticed him across the room talking with Brandon. Their conversation seemed intense, so I decided to ask Seth to take me to see his work.

"Okay, Seth. Show me your masterpieces. I promise not to tell you if I hate them," I said with a wink and smile. He returned the smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. He looked a little worried and miffed, glancing in the direction of Blake and Brandon. He rolled his eyes, grabbed my hand, and took me to his pictures. It was right around the corner, and his black and white prints filled the expansive wall.

At first I wasn't sure what I was looking at. I knew it was entangled bodies but I didn't realize I was looking at the intimate moments between Seth and me. I gasped when I recognized the pictures from our time together, the smile dropping from my face immediately.

My hand went to my mouth and I could feel my heart racing. _Blake,_ I thought. _Please don't let there be any way for him to recognize me._ I knew it was a longshot. Blake knew me. He would know.

The first picture was cropped so the viewer could see Seth's body over mine. My hair covered my breast and half of my face was covered by Seth's profile. My hands were in Seth's hair grabbing onto him while he kissed my neck.

The second picture was simple—my chest crushed against his. My breasts were flattened against his body, and Seth's tattoos showed in the picture, but there was no way to really know it was me.

The third picture had Seth back at my neck, but my hands were then on his shoulders. The viewer could tell that I was into the moment, my grip was clearly needy.

The next picture had cropped the top half of my face, only showing the gasp I made from my orgasm. It showed Seth's hand on my breast, and had him looking down at me appreciatively as I came.

The fifth picture showed Seth's back. The only parts of me that were seen were my hands clawing down his back, and my legs wrapped around him. It was an extremely sexy picture, and despite my shock I admired the beauty in it.

The sixth picture was another side shot, but it was when I had climbed on top of him. The viewer saw an intimate moment even though my hair covered my breast and profile. We were both looking at each other intently. There was no way the viewer couldn't tell it was Seth in this picture. His hands were gripping my hips as I had started to ride him. It was beautiful and gorgeous and showed so much emotion.

The next picture was equally sexy. It was the second orgasm I had. My hair cascaded down my back and my hands were clawing at Seth's chest. His hands were splayed above my ass. I don't know how, but the angle of the picture was able to capture the corner of the view, so my hair and back showed, but my face was completely covered. The viewer could see very clearly the ecstasy I felt in that moment.

The last picture was a side shot, and it was so profound and alluring, I almost teared up seeing it. Seth's hands cupped my face, and he looked so lost in me. Our skin glistened in the shot, and it added an extra compelling element to the piece. It was the moment that he came and told me he loved me. It was clear in the picture exactly what he felt.

There was one glaringly obvious focal point in a couple of the pictures that would give me away. I didn't know if Seth did it on purpose, but the hurt I felt that he would put such personal pictures on display for everyone to see was excruciating.

Especially where Blake could see it. My anger boiled, and I didn't know whether I should run to Blake and make sure he didn't come over to view the pictures, or if I should have it out with Seth that second.

I glared at Seth so hard, I thought I could kill him with that look.

"How could you?" I whispered harshly to him.

He opened his mouth to reply, but I didn't want to hear it, and I needed to make sure Blake didn't come over to the pictures. I had no doubt in my mind he would know in an instant that it was me with Seth in the art pieces. I turned abruptly to run over to him, but I was stopped by a human blockade.

Blake was already behind me, his face stony as he stared at each of the pictures. He was working his jaw, which was a clear indicator he knew what he was looking at. He was looking at the girl he thought he loved having sex with another guy. And not only that, but he knew I lied to him multiple times—because it was with _Seth_. The person who was supposed to be my best friend.

He looked down on me, and I saw hurt in his eyes. There was no way he missed what was going on. I started to reach for him, but he turned away and walked out of the building. I had just gotten him back six months ago, and then lost him again all because I decided that lying would be better than telling the truth. I knew I had to go after him. Seth tried to grab my arm but I swung back at him and glared.

"Get the _fuck_ off of me, Seth. This is all your fault," I growled at him. He let go immediately, looking hurt and upset. I didn't care, and I continued after Blake. I ran outside and looked around the parking lot in search of him. He was leaning against his car, hands in his pocket, head down.

I slowed when I saw him. I could feel the hurt emanating off him from the other side of the parking lot. He needed to understand I never did it when we were together. I pulled myself together and walked over to him.

"I keep trying to think that there has to be some way that it isn't you in those pictures," he said when he heard me walk up to him. He looked up and stared at me. Hurt, betrayal, and anger were all displayed on his perfectly sculpted face. "But there's no other way, is there, Josie?"

I shook my head. There was no denying it was me in the picture.

"You had to wear my fucking _ring_ , Josie? While you screwed some other guy?" He laughed humorlessly, shaking his head. "No, not some other fucking random guy. Your best friend. The one you told me _repeatedly_ , you had no interest in fucking," he said, raising his voice with each word.

"Blake--"

"Oh! And it didn't end there, you had to make a fucking scrapbook out of your endeavors. What the _fuck_ , Josie?"

"Blake, we weren't together then. It was over the summer before school started," I tried explaining. I stepped closer to him, but he crossed his arms over his chest, effectively blocking me. "Give me a minute to explain, okay?"

He looked at me for what felt like forever before he nodded slightly and ducked his head.

"I told you how I didn't talk for like a year after I was raped, right? Well, Seth helped bring me back out of that dark place. He's always been there for me. The summer before I started school here, I asked him to take me to some parties so I could get more comfortable around people. One night he danced with me, and it was different. Something changed. I had this view of sex as something terrible, but in those few moments, I felt excited and good. I wanted more of it, so I asked him to give me more.

"I asked him to show me how it felt to be wanted and to have sex that wasn't... _forced_. So the rest of the summer, he did. I fell for him and was ready to tell him that my feelings had changed, but caught him getting head from some girl. I knew he didn't feel the same way, and then he told me he thought we should stop before school started.  So, I got over it. We stayed friends, and then I met _you_.

"You became my life, Blake. Nothing about that was a lie. Seth and I always kept our thing a secret. Our parents don't even know. It was kind of an unspoken agreement that we didn't talk about it to anyone. That's why I never told you. And I really didn't think there was anything going on with him and me. We were still best friends. I fell in love with _you_. What I felt and what I feel for you... there's no comparison. He never loved me like you do. When you didn't fight for me and kept pushing me away, I was heartbroken." I sighed and leaned against the car, hanging my head.

"I was depressed and lonely over the summer. A couple weeks before school, I knew there was one person who could take my mind off of the loneliness. He's my best friend, Blake. I would do anything for him, and he would do anything for me. I took advantage of that, and for two weeks I tried to forget. It didn't help, but in a way it did. You left me, Blake. I was alone, and Seth was there for me. I'm sorry I lied to you, but I didn't want the fact that I had slept with someone else ruin whatever chance I had of reconciliation with you."

He still hadn't looked up at me, and I was starting to lose hope. When he finally lifted his head, the first thing I noticed was that his anger was gone. Unfortunately, I could see disappointment in his features, and that stabbed my heart a little more. He sighed and dropped his arms.

"I need some time to think, okay? I'm not leaving you, or trying to push you away, Jo, but I need some time to think about all of this. You lied to me. Since I met you, you've lied to me. I need to think." I nodded. I didn't want him to take time, but I could understand and respect it.

"Okay, Blake. Just... please know that I love you. And I'm so, so sorry," I said softly into the warm night air. Blake came to me and pulled me in for a quick hug. He kissed the top of my head. It may have been the simplest touch, but it made me love him more. He wasn't letting me go yet.

"I'll take you back, if you want?" He didn't sound like he wanted to do that at all.

"I'll get a ride with Brooke and Brandon."

He nodded once and left.

# Chapter 29

### PAST—SENIOR YEAR

I was on a fucking mission.

I needed to find Seth and beat his ass into the ground. _No padded suit for you today, buddy_. I paced outside the studio. I may have disliked him immensely, but I didn't want to ruin his chance at success.

That wasn't entirely true.  A part of me wanted to barge in there and pull down every one of those pictures. How could he think it would be okay to make a name for himself by using sexual pictures of us? _And not even tell me!_

I decided to go back in. I didn't care about his stupid career, he shouldn't have done that. I walked toward the door but stopped when it swung open. Seth must have known I was about to kill him, because he put his arms up in surrender and backed away from me.

"How could you?" I asked, unable to stop myself from yelling. He jerked his head so we could move away from the smokers gathered at the corner of the building, and I followed him even though I didn't really care what the other people thought.

He pulled me to a far corner of the parking lot where only a single street light cast light on our tense bodies. I put my hands on my hips and glared at him as he leaned against the brick wall of the adjacent building.

"Pussycat, I asked you if I could put those pictures up. I asked you that night I told you I was offered a spot in the gallery. I--"

I cut him off by throwing up my hand. I racked my brain, trying to remember that night a few weeks ago.  I was drunk that night. I didn't remember anything.

"You _what_? You asked me when I was wasted? How can you possibly think I was coherent enough to give you a legit response?" I shoved him against the wall.

"Jos."

"No, Seth! It was clearly me in the pictures. How could you think no one would know?"

"I'm telling you. I edited them so they wouldn't show you. I really didn't think anyone would be able to tell," he said. I could see the sincerity in his ocean deep eyes, but it didn't change the fact that Blake found out. I stepped back and sighed, anger giving way to resignation.

"The ring," I whispered, holding my right hand up to him. "The ring gave it away. Blake custom designed it for me."

He leaned his head back against the wall and sighed. I knew I should never have lied to Blake about what had happened between Seth and me, but I couldn't act like what Seth did was okay.

He might've ruined my relationship with Blake, and more than that, he used a weak moment to get me to agree to let him show personal pictures of me.

But then again, it was my stupid fault for agreeing to have pictures taken in the first place. I guess it was easier to blame Seth for my stupidity. I didn't let him off the hook.

"I'm sorry, Jos," Seth said, when he opened his eyes to look at me.

"He left. I may not have been honest with him, but you just let everyone in the fucking world know that I slept with you and thought it would be okay to have a sick keepsake from it."

Anger clouded Seth's eyes as he listened to me finish my outburst. He slanted his eyes at me and leaned forward.

"You think what we did and had together was sick, Josie? Because I'm pretty sure those pictures captured every fucking ounce of pure pleasure the both of us felt while we were together." He walked toward me and I took a step back. He pointed at me and continued his pursuit. "I'm sorry I used a weak moment of yours to ask for permission to show them, but I sure as _hell_ won't stand here and pretend like what we did was disgusting. That's a fucking insult to me and your own integrity. An insult to _us_."

He didn't understand. He didn't understand that I was angry because this could be the end of my relationship with Blake, a relationship I worked hard to keep because Blake was a good man. He didn't understand that I didn't want someone to own a picture of me having sex. It had never been on my bucket list to become a nude model.

"And as for Blake, Jos," Seth said as he came within an inch of me. "If he wants to leave you here over that, then he isn't worth your time. If he can't get over this one thing you did wrong after you put up with all of his shit, then I'm fucking glad he left." He paused, looked me in the eyes, and continued, "I hope you don't take him back either because you could do so much better than him."

I pushed him away from me and glared at him. "Who's better, Seth? _You_? You think I would still want to be with you after all this shit tonight? You had your shot with me and you wanted to see other people!"

How could he possibly think he was better for me than Blake? He _abandoned_ me. He broke my heart. He told me to move on, and I did. I found someone else. He never wanted me, and it wasn't fair for him to play with my emotions like that.

_Why in the world would I tell him that?_ His eyes softened at my admission.

"I _always_ wanted you, Josie. Always."

He came up to me and grabbed my chin so I was looking him in the eyes. I was overwhelmed with emotion—sadness, worry, sorrow, loss, confusion, guilt, love. I tried to look away, but he held me firmly in place. He wrapped his other arm around my waist and pulled me against him. His lips caressed mine, gently and tenderly. His eyes opened and looked at me, and I was too shocked to do or say anything, so he kissed me again, this time with the passion I'd longed for.

His whole body and soul poured into that kiss. Raw. Pure. Passion. He made me feel like I was the only girl in the world with just a single kiss. Touch. His lips could do what no other had ever been able to do. God, he was incredible – my heart, soul, mind, and body all craved more from him.

I couldn't breathe. My soul was plunging out of me and trying to meet his in the middle. There was a clash of lips, tongues, and teeth. Fierce and reckless in a way I never experienced and in a way I should have known could only come from being with Seth. In a way I didn't want to experience with anyone else.

He gripped onto me like I was his source of life, and I grabbed onto him like this might be the last moment I ever got to have him.

Which it had to be. Because that kiss. That _kiss_ made me feel too much. And whenever I let myself feel, I got hurt.

My brain was the only thing that hadn't been clouded, yet. The only thing that couldn't rationalize what was happening. This wasn't right and it wasn't fair. I needed to stop it before it went any further. I pushed him as hard as I could, until I was able to break away. It felt like a knife pierced my heart when I separated from him. My soul was mad, angry that I was refusing the passion I was made to revel in.

"I can't... we can't do this, Seth. What the hell are you thinking?"  I ran a shaking hand over my mouth, touching my lips softly as I breathed hard and looked at Seth. "I'm in love with Blake."

Right? _Yes_. I loved Blake. Blake was romantic and charming and affectionate. Blake was the one I wanted.

"You want to go back to him after he left you here?" Seth said, exasperated, his voice raw and loud. "He threw a fit about something that could have been explained easily. You didn't do anything wrong! He should have _never_ left." Seth ran his hands through his hair, and came back to me.

"I'm madly in love with _you_ , Josie. It makes me sick to see you keep going back to him when I know I can give you everything in this fucking world. I would go to the ends of the goddamn earth to make you mine and keep you there."

Shock ran through my veins, and my breath was short. I could feel the anxiety attack building in my chest. I couldn't take a full breath. I walked over to the wall, dodging Seth's advance, and sat down pulling my head in between my legs as I rocked back and forth.

_How can he do this? He can't be saying this right now!_ I didn't want to lose my best friend, but I also knew this moment would change something between us. I could either accept his admission of love and lose Blake, or break my best friend's heart.

And I was selfish; I didn't want to be put through the hurt Seth could cause me ever again. My heart couldn't handle it. I couldn't be with him. Not when he could shatter me.

"Why, Seth? Why are you saying this now? I moved on." I looked up at him and I knew my face screamed sorrow, because he cringed when he saw me. "I fell in love with you and then I saw you getting a blow job at that party. I was going to tell you how I was feeling that night. Even then, you beat me to it when you told me you wanted to stop seeing me. Then I met Blake..." The last part didn't need any further explanation. It was clear what I meant.

"I did it to forget about you, Pussycat," he said softly, kneeling in front of me. "I remember what you're talking about, and all I could think about was you. I was trying to get you out of my head. You were gone on vacation and I couldn't stop _fucking_ _thinking_ about you. All I knew was that you were my best friend and I fell in love with you. I didn't think you felt the same about me, and I thought with school starting you would want an easy out. I fell in love with you that summer, Jos."

He brushed a piece of hair behind my ear. "I had hoped you would realize that we were perfect together, but you never came around. I lost you the night you met Blake."

"He's _it_ for me Seth," I said softly. He _had_ to be _it._ He was the logical choice.

"So you're going to take him back then?" He glared at me as he asked the question. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't look into his ocean eyes and see the hurt. The anger. The love we could have had.

I _had_ to choose Blake. I had to.

"He had every right to be mad at me. I lied to him about you and me ever since we started dating. But yes, I'll go back to him. I won't end our relationship. He never said it was over, he said he needed to think."  I looked up, but he had already bolted and was walking away from me.

"Fuck!" He yelled into the night, pulling at his blonde hair in agitation. " _Fuck_ it, Josie! I just poured my fucking heart out to you!"

I got up, guilt and sadness overpowering my emotions. "Seth--"

He put his hand out to stop me from coming close. "No! Don't fucking come near me. You don't feel anything anymore? It just disappeared?"

"I love Blake." _I love you!_ I wanted to scream at him to see inside me. To read me. To know it wasn't that it _disappeared._

"So what... last summer was just a way to get him out of your fucking mind? And now you think it's disgusting?

"Please S--"

"Stop, Josie! Just fucking stop! You used me and I was in fucking _love_ with you and let you. I was so stupid to think that someone as perfect as you could fall for me. But it didn't stop me from being a fucking fool and trying."

"I didn't think it was disgusting, Seth, and I didn't _use_ you."

"Then why did you do it, Josie? Why did you come back the second time?" He asked, eyes searching mine, begging for an answer that wouldn't hurt him.

I took a moment to absorb the question. Did I do it for attention? For affection? To get over Blake? To feel something other than sadness? All of those answers were a yes, but why did I do it to _him?_

"Because I knew you wouldn't say no to me," I said finally, my voice low with guilt.

His shoulders slumped as the weight of my words pressed down onto him. I _did_ use him and I had never, until that moment, realized how terrible it was for me to do that to him. I didn't regret anything that happened with him, because I loved him, but I did regret not thinking about his feelings.

Seth nodded solemnly. "Well good luck with your asshole boyfriend, Josie. I had hoped you would realize it was me you were supposed to be with, but I see that it's useless now."

He was about to leave and fear filled me as tears started to fill my eyes. I couldn't imagine losing my best friend and he was slipping away—the breeze of the night using its fingers to take him from me. This is what I wanted to avoid the whole time. I couldn't lose him.

Not Seth. Not my Seth.

"I'm so sorry Seth. I--"

"Don't fucking say you're sorry," he said, disgust dripping in every word. "You used me. You knew I would do anything for you and you used that so that you could...what? Stop thinking about Blake? Compare me to Blake? You're a coward. You're choosing him because he's easy. He doesn't make you _feel_ the way you should. You'd rather have someone _logical_ than actually _feel_ something incredible."

What he was saying was too true; he had infiltrated my mind and saw me in a way no one else had taken the time to do. I was choking on false explanations. I couldn't speak.

"You know what? It doesn't fucking matter anymore." The anger in his voice sliced my heart into pieces.

There was such a finality to his words. That terrified me. "What do you mean it doesn't matter?"

"It means, _Pussycat,_ that I'm fucking done. I'm _done._ You think what we had was sick and I thought it was the best thing to ever happen to me. So, I'm done."

He walked up to me and looked me straight in my tear-filled eyes, and all I could see was loathing. He really _was_ done. When he spoke, his voice was low and filled with hurt. Anger. Detestation.

"I wish I had never let you kiss me that first night," he said, his eyes filling with resentment "Then I never would've been doomed to fall in love with a callous, heartless bitch."

Each word he spat at me felt like a stab into my stomach and chest, thousands of spears piercing flesh all at once. He walked away. Away from me, from us, from everything we'd been.

My best friend was gone. 

# Chapter 30

### PRESENT—FRIDAY

How had my life gone so off course?

That horrible night when Michael stole my innocence was the start. The rape will never leave me. It will never go away. I just didn't realize how much that one thing could fuck up the progression of the rest of my life. I will always have the demon of sexual aggression digging its claws into my skin and reaching into my soul. I'm scarred.

Blake pushing me away was another roadblock, but Seth's abandonment of me was the final nail in the coffin. Seth had saved me. He'd saved me from Michael. He'd saved me from my fear of intimacy. He'd saved me from _everything_.

Seth is more than half my soul. Without him, I'm barely living.

I'm in the shower remembering that pivotal moment when Seth walked away and trying my hardest to rinse off the grime, guilt, and pain that's still clinging to my skin. I haven't been able to get Seth out of my head all day. I want to talk to him. To tell him about losing Daddy. To try and fix our friendship. But I still can't gather the courage to reach out.

Seth had kept his distance from me after that dreadful night and I fell into a depression over losing my best friend. I don't know how Blake knew, but not fifteen minutes after Seth left me crying on the side of the building, Blake came and found me. He whispered in my ear as he picked me up in his strong arms and carried me to his car. I don't remember what he said, too overworked with sobs, but I know he was comforting me. I felt a glimmer of peace as he took me in his arms. Things were not okay, but knowing he had come back for me helped.

I'd made it through graduation and most of the summer without hearing anything from Seth. Blake apologized for leaving and proceeded to tell me he wasn't upset or angry about what happened. He supported me and trusted me that whatever Seth and I had was over.

No matter how many times I snapped at him that summer, or how many times I shut him out because I was mourning the loss of my best friend, he never gave up and never left me to deal with it on my own. He continually showed me how he was there for me and gave me the courage and strength to get through what happened.

Nightmares of Seth walking away haunt my dreams and I still grieve. Life isn't as appealing without him around, but I've learned to act like I'm okay. I'm good at pretending. That's what I consider survival—putting up walls to block out the hurt, even if it makes for a lackluster life.

As I put on my clothes, I resolve that this weekend I'll email Seth and let him know about my Daddy's passing. I call Dad and make sure he's doing okay and isn't starving himself to death. He's sad and a little withdrawn, but he answers his phone, and that's a start.

Last night went smoothly after Blake and I both let go of our frustrations. He accepted the fact that I wanted to wait to talk. And I gave myself the courage to work my way to forgiveness.

A smile tugs at the corner of my lips as I slide a white eyelet dress over my body. It's short and a little revealing, but it's pretty and makes me feel good. The back is low, so it's sweet and sexy at the same time. I flip my hair over and blow dry it into soft waves that fall down my back.

Blake and I made plans to go to the festival the park is hosting tonight, and I want to look irresistible. Tonight, Blake and I are going to talk about our problems, and I want to make sure there's enough leg showing to distract him in case things don't go well. Sure, it's irrelevant, but... well, he's a guy, so it might work.

As I'm slipping on my ballet flats, he knocks. I sigh softly under my breath. A year ago he would never have knocked. I always used to chide him for barging in since it was never technically his place, but I was just teasing him. That knock at the door is a sad reminder that things aren't the same.

It's better than no knock or no Blake entering my house unannounced though, so I don't let it upset me. I open the door and take in the handsome man in front of me. He looks edible in snug dark jeans and a dark grey t-shirt. I want to lick his whole body right in the middle of the hallway. His lips curve into a sexy, sly smile as if he knows exactly where my thoughts have gone.

Embarrassed, I turn to lead us into the apartment, but Blake's arm shoots out and grabs me to pull me into his embrace. He nuzzles my neck and I sigh at the simple, intimate gesture.

"I don't mind if you ogle me, love, but don't be pissed when I'm only staring at your legs tonight," he says with a smile in his voice. I shove him playfully and he laughs at me. His arms widen in mock confusion and I put my hands on my hips, giving him my best fake glare. It doesn't help that I'm smiling while I do it, so it is not so surprising when he laughs again.

"Oh come on, look at them in that dress." He gives me a wink, steps toward me, and plants a kiss on my cheek. "You look gorgeous, as always."

"Thanks," I say through a sigh. "You look all right... shouldn't embarrass me too much," I say critically. He chuckles at my lie, and shakes his head.

Hand in hand, we walk down to his car. Ever the gentleman, he opens my door for me, but before I get in his hand slides up my thigh and under my dress briefly. My insides clench at the simple, but sensual, touch. His hand is gone all too soon, and I'm left getting into the car with wobbly legs. Goose bumps cover my arms so I try to rub them before he sits in the driver's seat next to me, laughing under his breath as he climbs in.

_Such a cocky son of a bitch_. I vow not to let him affect me so much for the rest of the night. Immediately after that thought I feel my core clench, and I know that it's hopeless.  There's no way I can be immune to the advances of Blake Porter. _Asshole_.

We pull into Seneca Park and the place looks incredible. The Illuminate Festival has been getting more publicity, and the parking lot is filled with cars. I remember the first year it started, and the only people who turned up were the locals.

Blake takes my hand. There are booths along the walkway where people can sell or hand out their homemade crafts, artwork, church merchandise, community information, and many other things. Everyone has a smile on their face, and a thrilling excitement energizes the park.

The days are longer this time of year, so it's still nice and sunny even at six o'clock. Dusk will fall around eight, and that's when the park will turn into a wonderland of soft illumination. Blake and I take our time going through the booths.

We find a couple of new cheese spreads we want to try and some exquisite handmade jewelry. When we reach a booth that's covered with black and pink decorations, I'm automatically drawn to it. I soon find various adult goodies. Blake, being the ever mature man that he is, takes the vibrator I'm looking at out of my hands and puts it on the opposite side of the tent.

"You will absolutely not be needing that, love," he says and tries to pull me out of the booth. I laugh at the expression on his face when he saw me pick up that intense-looking vibrator. It was priceless.

"Wait, I'm not done, Blake," I say loudly, laughing and trying to pull out of his grasp. I manage to escape and go back into the tent to pick up a strap-on that's laying on one of the tables. I look at it in mock seriousness and tilt my head as if inspecting it for personal use. I can't keep a straight face though, when Blake stands nearby and glares at me. I start cracking up laughing again as he comes toward me and picks me up to put me over his shoulder.

I scream as he lifts me, knowing my ass is about to show to the world, but he shushes me and covers my butt.

"Put me down, Neanderthal!" I shout, banging on his back.

"You're the one banging on my back. I'll put you down when I think you've learned your lesson."

I can't stop the giggles that escape while he walks me down the strip where the other festivities reside. He swats my butt, but it just makes me giggle more. People turn their heads as we walk by, and I smile and give them a small wave.

"I'm going to move my arm so your ass shows to everyone if you don't stop," he says.

"No you won't. I'm wearing a thong." He wouldn't want anyone to see me like that. His hand slips up my thigh and onto my ass until he realizes that I am indeed bare. I hear him moan before he pulls me back down to the earth. We stand chest to chest and stare at each other. I pull my lips in between my teeth, trying not to smile. I definitely won that round.

Blake reaches out and fixes some of my wayward hair. "Wipe that smile from your face, Miss," he says and pulls my hand, tugging me along.

"You should've seen your face, Blake," I say with one last chuckle. He puts his arm around me and I think I'm right where I belong. It's nice to smile again.

We walk toward the lake and enough time has passed that we start to see the beginnings of the pretty lights that will be displayed. Around the lake, there are paper bags with LED flameless tea lights, which will look gorgeous when the sun goes down completely. On the pavilion they've built a stage that will house the musical entertainment for the night, looking much better than the year before. Before the walkway in the trees, there's a Ferris wheel, carousel, rapid slide, swings, spinning strawberries, and some inflatables. There are booths for fried junk food, cotton candy, and funnel cake. Perfection. I love festivals.

"I want a fried Oreo," I say, louder than I probably should have, when we were about to pass the stand. Blake laughs and shakes his head.

"So gross," he says, but goes to the stand anyway. Blake never touches junk food, so I knew he would think that way.

"No way. They are delish." I'm so giddy at the thought of having this small piece of heavenly death that I'm bouncing on the balls of my feet. Blake keeps looking at me while we wait in the line and laughs as he watches me act like a child. He orders one fried Oreo but I, being the sweet and loving woman that I am, ask for two, because I know he needs some unhealthy goodness in that sexy, perfect body of his.

"Gotta try it, babe."

He smiles as we find a spot at one of the picnic tables and takes a few moments to stare at me before he takes a bite of his treat. I'm already halfway through mine. And boy are they freaking perfect. The filling is melted but not liquid, the cookie is soft but not falling apart so there is still a small crunch, and the funnel cake batter is fried just right. I watch him close his eyes as he takes his bite and know I've won him over in this battle.

"Man, I should've bought like ten more of these," he says when he opens his eyes and stuffs the rest of the cookie in his mouth.

I laugh at him. "We have to make room for funnel cake and cotton candy, so wait until we get those things in your stomach first."

We visit each junk food stand at the festival, trying delicious and disgusting new things. The music starts as darkness falls, and the park is illuminated with soft lights from the lakeside tea lights, the hanging paper lanterns, and twinkle lights. Couples start to gather in front of the stage and dance to the music.

I like to watch couples dance. Old couples that have been together for years, who are still madly in love. New couples who can't take their hands off of each other. The odd-looking couple you don't expect to see together, but are so cute dancing. Even the ones that have seen better days in their relationship are interesting to watch.

Blake leaves the table to get a water, so I'm watching the band and dancers. A song that I love plays, and I get excited. I don't hear it often, but I've always loved it. Red Jumpsuit Apparatus's _Your Guardian Angel_ plays and the dancers start swaying with their partners. I get up because I can't resist the song's pull on me.

Not too long after the song begins, Blake wraps his arms around me. He leans his head into my neck and places his lips to my ear. In a husky deep voice, he starts to sing the song to me.

_I will never let you fall_

_I'll stand up with you forever_

_I'll be there for you through it all_

_Even if saving you sends me to heaven_

__I've heard Blake sing before and he isn't that great of a singer, but there is something so sensual about a husky voice singing in your ear. It didn't matter that he was off key. All he needs is that deep voice to take me to the beautiful abyss filled with the love and passion Blake has for me. He keeps his arms wrapped around me even when he finishes, and we sway in place, enjoying the sweet moment.

He's the type of man that makes a girl want to cling on for dear life. The type of person that makes a girl want to lie, cheat, steal, crawl, kneel, or degrade herself in hopes for a shot of being with him for one moment—one moment to feel the ferocity of his passion and love. Even after that moment, there is still the deep-seated desire and raw craving to keep him firmly in place as a lover and protector.

In this moment, I become that girl.

I have a carnal yearning to keep Blake wrapped around me and keep his attention and love focused on me. I see women and a couple of men staring at Blake with wistful expressions and know that my being stubborn could result in the loss of the greatest love I could possibly ever know. I will not lose him. Seth is gone. No longer an option. And Blake is _here_. With me, right now. And he matters. I love him.

I turn around and face him. His face shows ease and contentment while holding me to him and I take in his features. His deep brown eyes are hungry. His mouth tilts slightly upward in satisfaction. He is standing before me, hoping and actively trying to get a second chance, and I don't want to resist it anymore.

"I love you," I say, keeping my eyes focused on his.

Blake stops swaying abruptly and the hand that is settled on my back grips the material of my dress and pulls me even closer into him. His eyes flash with a mixture of heat, love, and caution. I move my hand to his cheek and rub my thumb over his stubble. Smirking a little at his speechlessness, I try again.

"I love you so much, Blake." I see a triumphant grin grace his face before he envelops me in his embrace and brings his hungry mouth to mine.

This kiss is one of complete abandon and wildness. There are no more barriers in our feelings, no longer keeping them hidden out of stubbornness. Sure, the fear will probably creep back up once the spell is broken, but in this moment I have no worries.

We only pull apart when a couple of dancers bump into us. The connection, although slightly broken, is still clearly palpable as we stare into each other's eyes. Worry starts creeping back inside me, but I try my hardest to push it away.

His hand grips mine, and he tugs me away from the crowd. He leads me in the same direction that I led him four days ago, through the trees and into the secret secluded area where we won't be distracted or interrupted.

Blake, still in the lead, pulls my arm so that I have to jog to catch up to him. He pushes me against the tree that's in my spot and leans his body against mine. Heat emanates from him, and I'm soon feeling my own internal desire warming me.

"You love me?" he asks with a small smirk. I nod and push myself further into him. "I love you too, Josie. It feels so good to hear that come out of your mouth."

Long strands of my hair blow from the steady light breeze, and Blake reaches out to touch it. Tucking it behind my ear, his head follows and he places a light kiss on my neck. I close my eyes, shiver slightly at the contact, and brace myself for an onslaught of powerful sensations.

Only they never come. In fact, I feel emptiness and a loneliness creep through my body. I open my eyes to find Blake sitting on the ground and leaning against the rough bark of the tree.

I try to gracefully slide down next to him in order to find out what happened, while he watches me fumble with the hem of my dress. He moves forward and takes off his shirt quickly. _Well that was easy,_ I think, enjoying the view of this bare chested hunk of a man.

"Don't get any ideas," Blake says with a laugh in his voice. He lays the shirt down on the ground so I have something to sit on instead of getting my dress dirty. I sit down comfortably and wait for him to say what he needs to say. I can practically see the gears turning in his brain, and I _know_.

I know that this is the moment we're going to talk about everything that happened.

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you, Josie," Blake says finally, looking straight into my eyes. I see his sincerity as he gives me his apology. "I should never have lied to you for so long, and I'm truly sorry."

Blake betrayed me, and I still love him, even knowing that he was a liar and kept something from me that changed everything.

But will he still love me if I confess my own secret?

# Chapter 31

### PAST—ONE AND A HALF YEARS AGO

Recovering from the loss of my best friend was not something that came easily or something I could wish away.

No matter how many times I begged a god to take the pain away, it refused to leave. A constant stab to remind me that my immaturity and stupidity was the reason I didn't have Seth around anymore. In a lot of ways, that loss was a lot harder than my stolen virginity.

Blake was there for me, but he wasn't Seth. He wasn't the boy I punched on the playground. He wasn't the one who defended me through elementary school, middle school, and high school to all the bullies who picked on me about having two dads.

I missed _Seth_.

It was the moment when I found out Seth left that I decided to pick myself up, put up my guards, and focus on moving on. I was picking up some groceries for Daddy when I ran into Gayle. She was always sweet to me, and that particular time was no different. She asked about my dads and continued to tell me about the farm and about how George was doing.

I listened to her talk about her life in the middle of the pasta aisle in the grocery store, but I wasn't fully committed to the conversation. One particular person was on my mind, and the blue-green eyes Gayle had only made the ache in my chest more prominent.

"So... how's Seth?" I finally asked. Pity and sadness etched her features, and I was regretting the decision to ask her.

"Oh dear, I thought he told you," she said with a thoughtful look. She started rummaging through her purse in search of something and I felt a deep sickening feeling rest in the pit of my stomach.

_What didn't he tell me?_

Gayle must have found what she was looking for, because she stopped rummaging and looked up at me slowly.

"Seth left a week ago."

I was shocked. I didn't understand what she meant by _left_. He was an adult, so it wasn't like he could run away from home. Where did he go?

"What do you mean?" I croaked.

The same sorry look etched her features again and I started to get red in the face from embarrassment. She handed me a white envelope that had my name scrawled on it in handwriting that I knew very well.

"He told me to give you that, but I just assumed it was some silly note. I didn't know that he didn't tell you he was leaving." She laid her hand on my arm in what people would say is a comforting gesture. It wasn't comforting, though.

"Where did he go? I don't understand," I said, anxiety starting to tighten in my chest and hinder my breathing.

"I'm sure he explained everything in the note, but he was offered an opportunity to freelance for a magazine in Europe. He's travelling all over Europe, going to different places to take pictures. It just fell into his lap. Out of the blue, he got a call asking him if he was interested."

I staggered back a step. Seth had mentioned that his photos at the gallery could provide him with an opportunity like this, but I had never considered he would leave the country without telling me first. It was a true testament to where our relationship had gone. I had been reduced to a person worthy of a little fucking note instead of a call or a visit.

Gayle and I said our goodbyes, and I rushed through the rest of my grocery shopping so I could have my meltdown in the privacy of my car. When I did make it to my car, I ripped open the note that Seth had so _thoughtfully_ left for me.

_I'm sorry. –S_

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I yelled at no one. _I'm sorry_ was the only thing he thought he should say to me before leaving the fucking country?

On the back of the piece of paper was an e-mail address that I assumed was his way of saying that I could still have contact with him. I was embarrassed, hurt, angry, and disappointed that our friendship was summed up into that one note.

I screamed and cried for an unknown amount of time in my tiny car, unable to accept this direction my life was taking. Finally, I calmed enough to take five seconds to breathe through the pain.

One, _how could he leave without telling me?_ Two, _will he even talk to me if I e-mail him?_ Three, _I have to at least give it a shot._ Four, _he will always be my best friend._ Five, _I miss him._

In my next breath, I forced my mind to accept what had happened. If I blocked it out, it wouldn't hurt so badly, so I built up an impenetrable wall—layer and layers of cement and brick to block out anything real. The depression already had me lost in a dark thick hole. It was time for me to move on. Go forward with life. No matter how miserable it would be without him.

No matter what happened in life, Seth would always be the boy who used to lay with me under the stars in my backyard and tell me we would be best friends until the day we died. Seth might be in another country, but we still looked at the same sky at night and still wished on the stars that we would be best friends forever.

I _knew_ he was. I had to believe that.

I started my car and drove home with a new sense of motivation and perspective. I wrote out a long e-mail explaining how sorry I was to Seth, but I ended up not sending it. I took a little lesson from him, and instead, decided to keep things simple. _I miss you_. That was all I needed to say to him, because I knew he would understand that I was sorry.

Time was what we needed in order to heal. If it was something he needed, then I could respect that. So, that's what I did.

I let Blake be there for me. He knew that Seth had left the country and that I was still communicating with him through e-mail. I never told him that Seth had fallen in love with me, which had been the ultimate demise of our relationship, but I never thought it was something I should share. It became inconsequential the moment I chose Blake over him. I didn't deserve Seth's affections, and I knew I would never get that opportunity back. I always got the impression Blake knew how Seth felt, but he never brought it up.

It was my fault Seth had started to develop any feelings for me in the first place, and then it was my fault _again_ for preying on his feelings as a way to make myself feel better. I was the awful person in this scenario, and I needed to work on fixing my immaturity.

I wanted to be a better person so I strove to be successful in work and school, vowing that I would never use anyone, especially Seth, like that again.

There were many moments that I would catch myself wishing the highlight of my day would still be whether or not Daddy would cave and buy Seth and me a ring pop at the store. Our hardest problems as children were deciding what ice cream to choose when the ice cream man came down the road and how to forge our parents' signatures on a test that we did poorly on. We wished we could grow up and move out of our parents' houses when we were little, but when the moment came to actually grow up for me, I found myself wanting to revert back to being a ten-year-old again.

Blake and I looked for apartments near the elementary school where I had been offered a long-term position, and even though he had his own place back in Raleigh, we both knew that this would be a sort of _home_ for us. Forty minutes wasn't that long of a distance, so we were looking for a place that we could share, rather than a place to meet up when he was in town.

The apartment I ended up getting was perfect for me... for us. It was  one-bedroom that took the cute older elements and made them modern without stripping away its character. I knew as soon as I walked in the door it was the place I wanted. There were hard wood floors and beautiful molding on the baseboards. The kitchen wasn't huge, but it was decent-sized for an apartment, and I couldn't have asked for anything better.

"So, what do you think?" Blake asked when we got back into his car. I couldn't contain my huge grin.

"I love it so much. I want it," I said excitedly. He tilted his head and his eyebrows creased.

"Really?" he asked, seemingly confused. "I was still leaning more toward the one that had the dried blood on the wall from that guy who shot himself. You have to admit it, Jo, there's a lot of history there, and you may even get some ghosts."

I stared at him for a few seconds before I shoved his shoulder. He was joking with me, and I swear I almost thought he was serious. He started cracking up while he pulled the car out of the parking spot and onto the road.

"You're a terrible person Blake Porter."

"Aw Jo, you don't mean that. In fact, I would have to call bullshit on that statement for the mere fact that I _know_ you find me incredible and irresistible. Some would say my looks are a curse, but I've learned to deal with it," he said it with a sigh as if he really felt he was hindered with the burden of good looks.

"Your looks? What? The fact that you look like a grumpy green troll in the morning when you wake up, or the fact that you always look constipated when you're thinking?"

I knew very well how handsome he was, in the morning _and_ when deep in thought, but he didn't need to know that. I spared a glance his way and he held my gaze for about five seconds before we both started cracking up laughing.

Moments like that are the best to remember. We could laugh with each other, and while I may have lost my old best friend, I started to gain a new one. Blake and I were good together. Sometimes it felt like we were meant for each other. He brought me a sense of comfort and safety.

I ended up picking that apartment and put all of the money I saved through summer school into the deposit and first month's rent. Blake offered to pay, but there was no way I was going to accept an offer like that. This was something that I needed to do on my own.  I didn't have much, but it didn't matter because it was my own place.

Blake and I picked out furniture and he helped me paint all the rooms. He definitely made me reconsider ever painting with him again because he threw paint around like a kindergartener. I'm not sure how my walls ended up looking normal with him around, but they did.

The months passed, and we settled into a routine of work and play. Blake would come and stay with me a couple nights a week and those were the highlights of my week. He always surprised me with little things like hidden notes, slightly charred dinners, or very messy desserts, and I fell in love with him more and more each day.

I never went back to his mom's house, but we were able to get to know each other through shopping trips and lunches. She was always sweet to me, and I really grew to love her bubbly and warm personality. I hoped one day I would be able to meet the rest of the family, including Blake's brother and step-sister, Brody and Breanna, but it was never a priority.

Blake, Brandon, Brooke and I always made time to hang out with each other, and we ended up becoming even closer friends than we were before.

Brooke and Brandon surprised me. I never took either of them for the type to feel so much contentment in being with one person, but they did. They were good for each other in every sense of the phrase. Brandon supported Brooke's dreams, even when her parents didn't take the time to understand. Brooke found happiness in her relationship and she decided she would rather be accepted by the ones who loved her no matter what, than be accepted by her own blood, who shunned her through her entire life.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's Day, and St. Patrick's Day all passed. We enjoyed all of the little moments together, and lived our lives to the fullest. Seth and I kept each other updated on life, but it was never the same. I thought about him a lot at night. I dreamed about him frequently, but tried to keep my thoughts in my dreams—never wanting them to interfere with this new life I was building Blake. I grew stronger, and we were closer than I ever thought I could be with someone.

Life was good.

Life was perfect.

# Chapter 32

### PAST—ONE YEAR AGO

I woke up with a racing heartbeat.

My breathing was shallow and nausea roiled through me. Blake had already left for work that morning, so I was alone in my bed staring at the ceiling. I shook my foot continuously as an outlet to release some of my anxiety, but it didn't calm the nervousness that had been consuming me for the past week.

Ten minutes passed before I made my decision to get up and go to the bathroom. The pang of needing to pee overpowered my desire to stay in bed and continuously think about what was happening. As I pulled my legs over the side of the bed, my phone chimed with a text message.

**Your Sexy Boyfriend: _Meet me for lunch at Rick's Café at 1:00_**

I rolled my eyes at his display name, knowing he must've been playing with my phone again the night before. I made a mental note to check my Facebook for any more hacking from my boyfriend.

**Me: _We're going out for dinner tonight_**

**Your Sexy Boyfriend: _I want to see you before then... can you blame a guy for wanting to be in the presence of a goddess more than once in a 24-hour period?_**

Cue the second eye-roll of the morning.

**Me: _Well then, we can't have you being deprived of my company, now can we? I shall meet you there, kind Sir._**

**Your Sexy Boyfriend: _Thank you Madam, you are too good..._**

I let out a soft laugh at his banter. He had been in such a good mood lately, and I was enjoying the attention he was offering me. My phone chimed again with another text.

**Your Sexy Boyfriend: _P.S.- don't wear any panties ;)_**

And then he would send something like that, which wiped any trace of humor from my emotions. I was immediately aroused at his demand, and even more excited for our lunch date. The lunch could be a sort of ice breaker for our dinner later that night, and I planned to use it to my advantage. I had some big news to tell Blake, and I needed to make sure he was calm for the conversation.

I took my time getting dressed and dolled up for the upcoming lunch. I left my hair down and only applied a little bit of eyeliner and mascara. Blake always said he liked me with less make-up, and I was glad because I never was a big fan of it.

Nothing calmed me. Not the routine of getting ready, not my breakfast, not even reading. Gloom had settled over me and despite how I'd envisioned our date; I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. I begged the universe for better vibes, but the uneasiness didn't leave.

I arrived at the café ten minutes early so I took a seat in our usual spot in the back corner. The apprehension spread to my throat, and my heartbeat started to race. Something was wrong, but I couldn't place my finger on exactly what. It wasn't until I noticed a familiar statuesque blond walking toward my table that I knew.

I didn't understand why Alice was even in the vicinity of where I lived, let alone in the restaurant where I was meeting Blake. She walked with purpose. Even in my anger, I was able to relish in the humor that there was a big zit next to her nose. Karma had come through for me on that at least.

All traces of humor left when she sat down across from me without an invitation. I raised my eyebrows at her. I didn't like her entitled bitchy aura one bit, and I was not looking forward to what was about to come out of her mouth.

"Well, it was easier to find you than I thought it would be," Alice said after she situated herself in the seat. I glared at her. She didn't deserve a response from me, and I knew the loudmouth, cocky brat would eventually get to the point of her presence.

"I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here," she said.

"Duh."

Undeterred by my sarcasm, she continued. "I know Blake is going to be here any minute to talk to you, but I needed to talk to you first." She sat back in her chair and almost looked genuinely concerned about something. "Blake's about to do something stupid and I needed you to know all the facts before he does it."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Can you get to the point, please?" She was making no sense, and my frustration and impatience were growing tremendously.

"Know that I would've told you sooner, if he hadn't sworn me to secrecy." My trepidation grew with each sentence that came out of her mouth. "You need to know this before you get any further into a relationship with him. Do you understand that I am about to tell you this for your own good?"

"I have no doubt you're only looking out for yourself, but you can justify it however you want." I wanted her to get on with what she was going to say.

She nodded and took a deep breath.

My world shattered. My entire life. I understood the words, but I couldn't reconcile them with the man I knew. He'd betrayed me. Broken my trust and my heart in the worst possible way. There was no going back from this moment. Nothing could undo the pain, the horror, and the revulsion I felt.

Five excruciating minutes after Alice left the booth I decided to get up and leave. I could _not_ freak out in public, and I needed to get out of this place where Blake and I had made memories this last year. My heart hurt. My soul felt as if it had been ripped out of my body and couldn't be put back. I picked up my bag and got out of my seat. As I stood, Blake walked through the door. I couldn't escape. He smiled his gorgeous smile and started to walk toward me.

I turned around, looking for the back exit of the café, and rushed toward it. I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk to him, but I knew there was no way I was going to outrun him at this point. The only thing I could do was make it much less public by confronting him out back.

The red luminescent light of the EXIT sign felt like a warning glaring right into my soul. The problem was that my soul was broken and torn, and saw no reason to adhere to any type of caution. So I continued.

The breath I took when I got out the door felt as if I had been trapped under water until I was nearly dead. For one glorious moment I caught that one breath of air that helped me survive. My heart was pounding in my chest and I could feel each pang of anger and hurt that infiltrated my body. With my emotions running on full blast, the following confrontation was in no way going to be civil.

When Blake walked out of the back door, a look of confusion on his face, I couldn't stop the rage that dominated me. As if in slow motion, I walked over to him and slapped him across the face.

"What the--" he stuttered, bringing his hand to his face.

"How could you?" I screamed at him. I came back at him and shoved him as hard as my small, weak arms could. While he didn't budge from the push, he did move to stop me. Anger and uncertainty clouded his eyes. He didn't touch me, but he backed me up against the wall so I was trapped.

I could feel the hatred and anger burning through me and I channeled it all in that one look I gave him. When he saw me in that moment, I will never forget the way his face fell and the sadness that replaced his usually confident composure. It was then that I knew everything Alice told me was true.

"What's going on?"

I kept my glare intact. I didn't feel one ounce of pity for him.

"What's your father's name?" I laced each word with the maliciousness I felt. My heart pounded and my breathing was rough. He stumbled back a bit. Enough to show his uneasiness.

"How--?"

"What is your father's name!?" I yelled, cutting him off and stomping my foot.

"John," he said, eyes on the ground. It took all I had to not slap him again for lying to my face once more.

"What's his full name, Blake?" He looked up at me and I could feel the pleading in his brown eyes, begging me not to make him tell me. It didn't matter what he wanted or if he was sorry.

"Michael John Kasey." Each name felt like someone was taking a knife and plunging it inside me. Anger, hatred, loathing, hostility, animosity, and bitterness filled every pore in my body. Whatever was left of my broken heart was in my throat, making it hard to breathe.

"Michael Kasey," I ground out. "Sexual assault is a _kind_ term to use for what your father did to me, Blake. He _raped_ me, and would have _killed_ me if it weren't for Seth."

"Josie, I swear I didn't know. When we started--"

"You didn't know? I call bullshit, Blake! You and your whole family are filled with liars. I can't even fucking look at you without wanting to kill you." Hot tears poured down my face.

Blake was a liar. His father was the reason I had lost my virginity, my refuge, and who I was as a person. His father touched me in every private part of my body, taking everything away from me. He left his vile mark on my tattered skin, a mark no amount of scrubbing could extinguish. He took my innocence. He took my freedom. His presence became a shadow on my soul.

Blake's father was my rapist, and my worst nightmare.

"Jo, let me explain," he pleaded with me.

"What else is there to explain, Blake?" I threw my hands in the air and tried to maneuver my way around him.

"I didn't know at first. I swear. When I found out, I didn't know how to tell you." He was begging me with his eyes and started to move toward me, but the look I gave him showed him how unwelcome he was.

"When did you find out?" I was like a caged animal, trying to escape the pain and horror of this confined world. I was livid and every cell in my body was on fire.

"Ma told me that first time you two met. I'm so sorry, Jo. I just didn't know how to tell you. I didn't want to hurt you. You have to believe me."

"Hurt me? You think not telling me that you carry the blood of my rapist would prevent me from hurting? Are you _delusional_? That's the most ridiculous logic I have ever heard."

"I know I was wrong, but I couldn't find a good time to tell you. The more time that passed, the harder it got."

"That's the fucking problem! You were scared and now it's too late." At this point, I was yelling at the top of my lungs. Bile rose to my throat. I grabbed my stomach. I had to get out of there.

"Josie... please. It's not too late. I love you so much. I didn't want to hurt you. I was trying to protect you," he pleaded.

All this time, I'd been falling in love with someone I could never be with. I didn't care to hear his twisted logic about why he thought what he did was okay. I didn't want to hear or see him ever again.

Tears of hurt, brokenness, and anger rushed down my face, and I saw stray tears escaping his eyes. His legs seemed unstable. It should've broken my heart a little more to see him like that, full of sorrow and hurt and despair, but my bitterness was too overpowering.

I never wanted to see his face again.

He was a traitor.

"You're _disgusting_ , Blake. I can't look at you without seeing the face of someone who destroyed me. I never want to see you again. I never want to be anywhere near you. And I sure as hell do not want you to ever touch me again. You're a liar and I can't stand the thought of being around you. We're done. Do not contact me or come near me ever again," I said, pure repugnance dripping from each word.

He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. Tears were freely flowing down his gorgeous face, a face that I now despised. I was glad I hurt him, but he would never be able to comprehend the hurt or brokenness that I was experiencing in that moment. I gave him one last look, a look that conveyed every shattered fragment of my soul, and walked away.

I didn't know when or if I would ever see him again, but I didn't care. I walked along the side of the building, and knew in my heart that he wouldn't follow me. I pictured Blake's last look as I walked away from the café, and the image of his saddened brown eyes made me sick.

_How did I not know? How did I miss the lies? Why didn't I press him for more information about his family?_ Alice explained that Blake's mom changed all the kids' last names to her maiden name after her divorce when they were younger. Still, I shouldn't have trusted him so blindly.

The memory of having my body tortured mixed with the knowledge that the man I trusted and loved wholeheartedly lied to me for three years made my stomach churn.

I was so nauseated I ended up stopping in my tracks and bowing over to succumb to the spasms. I threw up until my stomach muscles hurt and I could barely move from shaking. It was a moment when I realized I would no longer have Blake to pick me up when I was down or hurt anymore.  I had lost the person who was supposed to be my safety.

I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with Blake, but I could never be with someone who lied to me for years. I couldn't have children with the blood of someone who raped me. I just couldn't. There was no future there.

# Chapter 33

### PRESENT-- FRIDAY

Bitterness and anger plagued me for so long, but once I finally passed that stage in my grief I was burdened with unhappiness.

I had lost my best friend and a little less than a year later, I lost the person I thought I loved. Depression is like a monster that wants to drag you into the dark at every opportunity. Any time I hit a high, either in my career or school, the monster pulled me back down.

Having Blake show me he loves me for the past week has been uplifting in ways that are hard to describe. I'm still hurt by what happened a year ago and the guilt of what I did in return doesn't help, but having Blake back has made me happier than I have felt since I left that café.

I feel guilty thinking that since Daddy just died, but I also know he wanted to see me live again. For Blake and I to reconcile—if not romantically, then at least to let go of the pain and guilt.

"You hurt me, Blake. It was so hard to move on from that," I say quietly into the night air. I feel every breath of wind and every piece of bark on my back. This is the conversation that should've taken place a long time ago. I wanted to forget everything, but it's impossible. He turns toward me and I see his brown eyes glistening in the moonlight.

"I know I hurt you," he says. His hand reaches out and touches my cheek. "I know I never should've kept it from you, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I want you to let me explain a little bit about why I didn't tell you."

"I think it's about time I let you start talking."

I need to hear it. I need to have some kind of closure on the demise of our relationship. I need to know he really always did love me. I need to know I'm not totally crazy for still being in love with him.

"Okay. I guess I should start with when I found out," he says playing with the ends of my hair. "You had just told me about what happened to you. I was ready to kill someone when you told me. I was so in love with you, and I was swept away by your strength. I have _never_ met a woman as strong as you, Josie. I knew when I first met you I didn't want to ever let you go. I wanted to protect you and take care of you for the rest of my life.

"When Ma found out your name that day, she pulled me into the kitchen and told me she recognized your name from the court hearings for my dad. None of us went to the trial except for my step-mom. I didn't want to have anything to do with him after I heard what he did. I always wondered if I should find out who the girl was so I could find a way to help her, but I was too much of a coward. I was embarrassed and ashamed that my own blood would do something so disgusting.

"I was so mad, Josie. It was bad enough he raped some girl, but when I found out he raped the girl I fell madly in love with, I felt murderous. I wanted to go to the prison and beat him until he was dead. And I would have done that too, but Alice took me to her dad's gym so I could work out my anger. I know you don't like her, but I would be in prison right now for murder if she hadn't taken me to the gym." He takes a deep breath and grabs my hand. The extra contact is comforting and exactly what I need.

"You couldn't have figured it out, so never blame yourself. My Ma changed our last names to her maiden name when she divorced my dad years ago. I couldn't look at you without feeling guilty. Guilty for what my dad did. Guilty for how I had let myself fall in love with you. That's when I started to distance myself from you. I thought that maybe if I pulled away, you wouldn't feel the same way for me anymore. As much as that devastated me, I knew I didn't deserve you. I didn't want you to be hurt more by my father, so I needed to let you go. I made you think it was family problems—that was the only thing I could think of. And it worked...kind of.

"But I couldn't get you out of my head. It was selfish of me to plant those quotes in those books. I knew it would prove that I was still in love with you, but if I could get you to look at me like you used to, then I thought it was worth the risk.

"Bottom line is that I'm a selfish man. You came storming into my office that day, and I knew there was no way I wanted to live another second of my life without you in it. I didn't want you to think about your past, so I never brought it up. Ma and I were the only ones that knew. Brandon didn't know until after it all went down. You are the strongest woman I know.  I should've never thought you needed protection from the truth, and I'm so sorry. I've been paying for that mistake every second for the last year."

He finishes his explanation and lets out a big, relieved sigh. It's as if he's been waiting an eternity to tell me how sorry he is. For the last week, I've felt how much he still loves me, so I don't doubt one bit of his story. I believe he's completely sincere when he tells me that he thought he was trying to protect me, but it doesn't make being lied to any easier to handle.

"I'm not sure exactly how to respond." It's been hard to come to terms with the fact that Blake's father is a horrible person, but it's been harder to let go of the feeling of duplicity. "I guess I get what you're saying, but I'm still mad at the whole thing. What the hell are the chances that my rapist would be your father? I'm mad at myself for missing the connection. I'm mad at you for lying to me about it. And I'm mad as hell that I can still love someone who has a blood connection to the person I hate most in this world."

"I know. I know I don't deserve you. You have every right to be mad at me... to hate me," he whispers, cupping my cheek in his strong hand.

I look at him and try to work out my feelings. Right after I found out, I kept trying to find similarities between him and his father, but I never could. Looking at him now, I know for sure that Blake has no part of his father in him. Blake's a gentleman—not a monster. He'd never speak a harsh word to me or hurt me in any way.

"I didn't think I could look at you the same way ever again. I thought that if I ever saw you after I found out the truth, I would throw up or hit you again. It was so hard for me to picture a life with you, knowing your connection to Michael." I reach out for him and slide my hand to the back of his neck. "But I know you're not him. I understand why you didn't tell me. I've been trying to bury that part of me since it happened, and I obviously couldn't handle that information very well... but I'm ready to get over it and try, if you're willing to try."

A look of relief and longing etches his features as I tell him I want to keep trying. I love him. I love that he respects me and shows me love when I need it most. I wanted to hate him. I _tried_ to hate him, but I can't do it.

"I love you so much, Josie. I'll prove to you that it's not a mistake to love me. We aren't just a memory... we could never just be a memory. You're my future," he says, inching closer to my face.

All the passion from the progression of the night built up for the most sensual and electric kiss we had ever shared. His lips meet mine and I whimper from the connection. The simplicity and softness of his mouth on mine is almost too much to handle. I'm choked up with emotion. I haven't felt loved in so long. He pulls back, looks at a falling tear on my cheek, and kisses along the wet trail until my tear is gone. His mouth back on mine tastes salty, but it's a reminder of how much he wants to take away my pain.

I get lost in the moment and almost forget that we're outside, hiding in the woods while a family festival is taking place a couple yards from us. His hands and mouth make it impossible to concentrate on anything, though, so I decide not to worry about it. His hand inches up my dress, and goose bumps cloak my thighs. My body is eager for him to touch me. Heat courses through my veins as his hands tighten on my thighs and he kisses me more aggressively.

Blake moans into my mouth as I run my hands across his bare chest. He is so warm and soft under my fingers. Our breathing increases.  He leans into me as I rest against the tree, and I enjoy the roughness of the bark mixed with the scorching, soft touch of his hands and lips on my skin.

"You're so beautiful, Josie. Words can't even begin to describe you. I won't let you go again," he promises.

He places kisses along my jaw. My hands move to his hair in an attempt to bring him closer to me. Instead of coming closer, however, Blake pulls away panting.

"Let's go back you your place. I'm not going to make love to you for the first time in a year outside in the dirt. You're worth so much more than that."

_I'm not._ Not admitting my own secret is selfish and wrong on my end. But I want one night where he loves me like he used to, so I keep my secret hidden until another time.

"Okay."

He flashes me a smile that causes my heart to skip a beat. That smile makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. Makes me feel special, wanted, and loved. That smile, the gentleness and pure genuine happiness that emanates from it, is something I've missed tremendously this past year.

He stands and reaches his arm out to help me off the ground. Once we dust off the remains of dirt on our clothing, we make our way back to the car and start the incredibly long journey home. Of course, it's really only a ten-minute drive, but when you're unbelievably turned on and ready to wage war for a touch from one of the most handsome men in the world, it morphs into a drive that seems to be going backwards in time.

I run to my front door when we park outside of my building. Blake, being the ever-composed person he is, simply chuckles as I rush inside. I want to slap that chuckle off his face and then devour him in kisses. I opt for jumping on him as soon as he shuts the front door instead. He has no difficulty carrying me toward my bedroom while still driving me wild with his fingers running along my thighs and ass. I bury my face in his neck and drag my tongue along the slight stubble on his jaw.

He removes his hand for a moment so he can open the door to my room and I take the lack of support as an opportunity to wrap my legs even harder around him. I grind my hips into him, keeping my hands locked in his short hair. The friction of his taut muscles against my most sensitive area is exactly what my body is screaming for. I grind harder onto him as he walks in and heads to my perfectly-made bed.

Blake tries to drop me, but I refuse to let go of his neck. He laughs as I bring him down with me. The laugh is quickly wiped away as I run my hands under his shirt and across his warm body. So sexy. My breathing is shallow from the desire clogging my throat. Blake sits up and pulls his shirt over his head and I let out a moan as I look at him. It never gets old. Of course it's been a while since we've been together, but even when we were dating for a couple years, I never tired of seeing him. Without a shirt. Without pants. Without boxers. I sigh knowing in a few seconds I will once again be savoring his nakedness.

He brings his head down to mine, and the only sounds that can be heard are our hearts pounding and heavy, hot breathing. I have no desire to wait any longer to feel his lips on me so I raise myself up and gently kiss him. The butterflies in my stomach are going out of control. This is it. Blake must notice the seriousness and intensity of what we're doing, because his hand glides to my face and he kisses me sweetly.

Everything we have been missing for the last year is reflected in this moment – passionate lips and hands seeking reassurance.

His eager fingers reach for my zipper and he drags it down, continuing to kiss me. He traces the bare skin that is slowly being revealed as the zipper is undone. I suck in a sharp breath, and he uses the moment to pull my bottom lip into his mouth. The fire from his hands on my skin and the tug of my lip sends me into overdrive with need.

I sit up on the bed so I can slide off my dress, no longer wanting or needing any kind of barriers between us. He moans as I slide the dress off of my shoulders. He reaches out and helps me pull the material down to my waist. Moments later, we're both standing and nearly naked.

He's in his boxers and I'm in my thong, and those are the only garments left in our way. I can see how extremely turned on he is through the thin blue fabric, and even more lasciviousness takes over. The tiny scrap of fabric barely hits the floor before Blake has me in his arms and is touching every inch of my warm skin. His erection is hard and presses into my stomach, and I let out a moan. I need him.

Blake lays me on the bed before I can start attacking his body. He slowly dips his tongue onto my skin and kisses me. He starts at my collar bone and moves toward my very needy and aching breasts.

"Ohhh..." I half moan and half sigh as his teeth and tongue assault my nipple. He moves between both of my breasts, seemingly never getting enough of either. My hands stay in his hair. My hips seem to have a mind of their own, as they keep rhythmically grinding and bucking into Blake.

"Blake...," I pant, "...more... need more." I sound like a moron, but he seems to have fried my brain.

"Mmm, Jo. I like it when you beg me," he says coming up to my level. "Tell me what you want, love. I need to know." His tone is demanding, but gentle.

"Make love to me, Blake." My voice is low, but I'm not the least bit embarrassed. He moans and his hips grind harder against my aching body. "I need you inside me."

"You're so sexy," he says, humming. He kisses me, lust dripping in every stroke. His hand slips between my legs where there's a pool of wet yearning waiting for him.

He groans as he feels how wet I am and I tilt my head back to focus on his fingers. They move in a pattern, circling my clit, running down to my entrance, inside of me, and then back to my clit to press on it. After a couple of rotations, Blake brings his fingers back up and puts them to his lips. He tastes me and closes his eyes, savoring my excitement.

"So good," he whispers. "I'm going to eat this later, but right now, the only place I want to be is buried inside you."

I smile, knowing he has every intention of making this a long, delicious night. The smile is short-lived once Blake positions himself in front of me, and I feel his cock throbbing and ready to be inside of me.

"I love you," I whisper to him, reaching my hands to his face. He closes his eyes briefly and takes a deep breath before opening them and staring at me raptly.

"I love you too, Josie." He moves his hips so he is edging, inch by sexy inch, inside me. I feel full and complete when he gets all the way in.

Complete. This is what I've been missing for a year.

"Eyes open, love... need to see you," he pants. He moves his hips in and out of me, hitting deep inside my pussy. I match him stroke for stroke. Alternating our pace, we ride ourselves into pure wanton abandon. Moans, groans, and some slightly loud cries escape my mouth with complete uninhibitedness.  I roam my hands over his body, savoring the soft yet rough texture of his skin.

He's moaning and breathing just as roughly as I am. He pulls out slowly and then thrusts himself hard and fast back into me. He does this multiple times, making my orgasm mount higher. I gasp for air, totally losing control.

"Oh, Blake... oh my... so close..." My body heaves, succumbing to the lustful pleasure. One final look in Blake's eyes sends me over the edge. There are no walls between us – nothing holding him back from showing me how he feels. I cry out loudly as I convulse underneath him. My fingers grip the sheets, my toes curl and I arch my back while the orgasm runs through my body.

"Oh my fucking god, Josie." I feel his dick throbbing inside me and he speeds up his movements. His hot come fills me up, and it is the sexiest feeling in the world.

He collapses to my side and gathers me into his arms as we try to catch our breath. It's absolute perfection. His strong, secure arms, holding me while we cherish the euphoria we just experienced. I don't want him to leave. I don't want to lose him. I don't want this moment to ever end. Blake caresses my bare skin and nuzzles his face into my neck.

Perfection.

# Chapter 34

### PRESENT—SATURDAY

I wake up with a racing heartbeat.

It feels like something is blocking my ability to breathe. I can't get a good breath. My hand shoots up to my chest and I'm terrified something is wrong. I feel my pulse in my neck throbbing with barely a touch of my finger.

Something bad is going to happen. I have to tell Blake my secret. Does he really need to know?

I sigh aloud, knowing the answer to that question.  Daddy thought I should tell Blake. He specifically had Dad tell me something extremely personal in order for me to see that withholding the truth can only hurt. I would know. I know firsthand how it feels to be lied to. Now that Blake and I worked through that, it's time to come clean.

I've gone through enough. Nothing bad is going to happen today. I'll tell Blake everything, and he'll be upset but he loves me too much to let this ruin our relationship. I don't want his perception of me to change, but if he lets me explain, then I really think he'll understand.

I start to calm myself down by counting my breaths. Once I feel like I can breathe, I look at the painstakingly handsome man laying naked in my bed. I bite my lip as memories of the night before invade my head. Images of us all over my apartment make my heart pound in a more scrumptious way. Last night was incredible. It was as if we couldn't get enough of each other, and I still feel like I haven't had enough. But honestly, I haven't been touched in a year, so it makes sense.

He looks so peaceful, sleeping with one arm underneath his head and the other draped across my body. I trace the veins I see in his arm and focus on how much I love him. Whatever happens today, I will always know I was able to give this man almost my whole being and heart. Obviously Seth... Well, it will never be an option I can explore, so it doesn't matter what I feel for him anymore.

Blake is deserving of my love and trust, and I won't regret giving it to him.

Blake starts to stir, making me feel uneasy again. I shouldn't have been selfish enough to do what we did last night without telling him first. His eyes flutter open, completely groggy, but a magnificent smile stretches across his face when he sees me staring at him. I will always remember this smile. Always. I give him a slightly sad smile in return.

"What's wrong?" he asks after clearing his throat. "You're so gorgeous in the morning, by the way." He scoots closer to me and wraps me up in his arms. I want to never move from his safe embrace, but the unavoidable conversation means we can't stay like this the rest of the day.

"I need to tell you something," I say in response to his question.

"Mmm... can it wait, love?" he asks me as he runs his hand over my bare stomach. _YES!_ I want to scream.

"It's kind of serious, Blake. I don't think it can wait any longer. I need to tell you before we let this go any further." He furrows his brows, obviously confused by my cryptic answer. He looks at me for a few seconds before he gets out of the bed.

"Let me go to the bathroom real quick first, okay? This doesn't feel like a conversation we should have naked." He bends over to pick up his discarded clothes, then gives me a quick kiss before going to the bathroom and shutting the door. I take the opportunity of solitude to get dressed. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for the hardest conversation of my life.

"What's up, Jo?" he asks, leaning against my dresser. He already knows this isn't going to be good. I look down to the floor while I sit on the bed, and take three deep breaths before I can even vocally communicate to him.

"I've been holding onto this secret for months and no one but Daddy knows about it," I say, finally looking up at him. He runs his hand through his hair and his other hand forms a fist that he tries to hide inside his pocket. He's nervous.

"Just.... Before I tell you everything, know that I love you, and last night was the best night of my life. I've only ever been completely happy when I am with you, and I hope this doesn't change anything."

He sighs and looks down at his feet. He shakes his head slightly and then looks back up at me. "Okay."

I get off the mattress and head toward the side table next to the bed. I take a deep breath and open the drawer. I know exactly where it is. There have been many moments when I've grabbed for it in the middle of the night. I hold it to my chest and take another deep shattering breath. This is it. I turn around, still clutching the flimsy paper in my hand. Words escape me, so I walk to Blake and place the picture in his hand.

He looks at me intently before he turns his gaze to what I've placed in his palm. It's as if he's silently begging me not to tell him what I've been hiding. Almost as if he's seeing through all the bullshit, and realizing I'm not the girl he thought he knew. When he looks at the slightly faded picture in his hand, he takes in a sharp breath.

"What's going on, Josie? What is this?" he asks me, distrust dripping from his tone.

"I did something stupid. A part of me regrets what I did, but a part of me has been justifying my actions since it happened." I take a big gulp of air and step away from him. I sit back down and hug my knees to my chest, trying to compress all of the emotions that are building inside me.

"I was pregnant, Blake."

# Chapter 35

### PAST—ELEVEN MONTHS AGO

A single tear rolled down my cheek. The drive seemed to take longer than the fifteen-minute ride it was supposed to be, and it allowed too much time for thinking.

The past two weeks since I found out the truth about who Blake's father is had been agony. Ever since I left him there fourteen days earlier, I'd vacillated between anger and sorrow, never knowing which dominated the other. I was saddened by the loss of someone I loved deeply. I was exceedingly mad I was lied to. I was saddened I had been in love with my rapist's son. I was undoubtedly angry that the man I loved knew about that fact for years and never planned on telling me. I was sad. I was angry.

I went home to my parents' house immediately after I drove out of the parking lot. I hid in my room and alternated between crying in my pillow and punching it. My dads tried to comfort me, but learned early on to let me grieve for a while before asking what had happened.

I was a zombie when I finally emerged from my room. I hadn't showered or eaten in two days and it showed. It's hard to remember a lot about the conversation I had with my dads, but somehow I was able to tell them what happened. Dad was livid. Daddy was sad. Dad hid his anger by working even more on the car and Daddy chose to show his compassion by comforting me the best he could. He held me while I cried like a baby at night and he tried to reassure me I would make it through that awful time.

I wanted Seth. I needed Seth. I dreamed about him and begged for him in my sleep. I thought Blake was the right person to give my love to because he seemed like a good man, but it wasn't Blake I wanted in those agonizing days—it was Seth.

Morning sickness started assaulting me not long after I finally told my parents about what happened. With Dad working, I was able to hide it, but Daddy knew something was wrong. It was easy to blame it on the depression that ate away at me, but eventually he became suspicious.

"Is there something else you want to tell me, Josie Bean?" he asked, rubbing my back while I tried to recover from another bout of throwing up. I wanted to forget about this foreign thing that was invading my body but it was impossible when there was always a nauseating reminder of its existence.

"Can't you be observant somewhere else?" I groaned and got off the floor.

"How far along are you?" he asked, ignoring my snarky question. "And don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm your dad. I know."

I headed to my room and flopped face first onto my bed. "I don't know. I never had a chance to go to the doctor."

"When did you find out?" he asked softly, sitting on the edge of the bed. I turned so my back was on the bed and stared at the ceiling.

"The day before the fight. I was going to tell him that night but I never got the chance. And before you start bombarding me with questions—no. _No_ , I don't know what I'm going to do. _No_ , I'm not going to tell him. No. No. _No_."

I was acting like a defiant brat, but I felt like I had legitimate reason to be so hostile. The truth was, I already knew what I wanted to do. I just wanted to give myself a few more days to decide.

"Okay, baby girl. You know I'm here for you, if you want to talk it through," he responded gently, ignoring my bratty behavior.

Eventually, I felt comfortable enough to talk to Daddy about everything. My fears. My anger. My pain. He knew quickly what I wanted to do but he neither agreed with nor struck down my silent decision.

"You sure you want to do this?" Daddy asked, jostling me from my dark memories.

"Yeah," I said, my voice monotone. Daddy parked and put his hand on my knee. "I will support you through this, Josie. I love you beyond words. I wish the situation were different, because I would love for your decision to be different. But I support you."

"I can't do it, Daddy," I squeaked out, trying to hold in the emotions that were running through me. "I can't live every day looking at my fatherless child, thinking about how he carries the same blood as the monster who assaulted me. I... I can't..." A sob escaped my lips, and the shedding of tears became inevitable.

"I know, baby," he said, and enveloped me in a warm embrace. I cried in his arms for the few extra minutes I had and tried to find some kind of peace in the moment.

Maybe it was selfish for me to take this route. Maybe it was brave. Maybe it doesn't matter what it was. It was my choice, and I chose not to have that baby. It sickened me to think about bringing a child into the world who I could very possibly hate. My child deserved better than that.

Daddy and I walked into the clinic and waited for my name to be called. My leg shook as I waited. I was nervous, but that was normal. I had taken the last two weeks to make sure this was exactly what I wanted, and I truly felt that it was the best decision for me at the time. I didn't want to regret not doing this in the future when I was faced with possible bitterness or unhappiness.

"Miss Sommers?" I looked up and saw a nurse holding the door ajar, waiting for me to walk back with her to the doctor's office. I took a deep breath, and let Daddy give me one more hug before I walked back.

After a brief counseling session, a urine sample, and a sonogram, during which I requested to keep the picture, I was prepared for the procedure to take place.

I was given a conscious sedative, so even though I was drowsy, I was still aware of everything going on in the room. They gave me my medications through an IV and the doctor injected a numbing agent into my cervix so I wouldn't feel what she was about to do. It was strange and sickening to watch the doctor take the straw-like tube and put it inside me. I knew exactly what was going to happen. That tube was going to inside me and suction out my pregnancy.  The procedure was short, and I was finished in minutes.

The worst part of the experience was the thirty-minute recovery time, during which I was suffering yet another loss. I kept the picture of my six-week-old baby close to my heart.

I still believed it was the best choice for me. I believed I would've never been happy if I'd had that baby. But I also knew it was permanent.

I aborted my pregnancy, and there was absolutely nothing that could take that back.

# Chapter 36

### PRESENT-- SATURDAY

"What do you mean you _were_ pregnant?" Blake asks through gritted teeth.

His jaw tenses, trying to contain his emotions. Blake is a logical person. He knows he needs to control himself before he overreacts. It's almost as if he knows exactly what I'm going to say. He's hardening himself for the blow of what I did.

"I found out the day before I found out about who your father is," I say, not meeting his eyes. I hear him take a deep breath and I turn to face him as he crouches down to the floor. He's confused and scared. I can tell because he runs both hands through his hair, something he does when he's trying to think and calm down.

"What happened?"

This is the part of the conversation I've been dreading. I can feel myself getting sick.

I've known throughout our whole relationship that Blake wanted a large family. I've also known that his views on abortion are mixed. While he doesn't disagree with it, he always knew he would never want his partner to get one, especially without giving him the option to take care of the child himself. He would never have wanted me to get an abortion. He would've raised that child by himself, gladly. I know this, and now I have to tell him I decided to not give him that opportunity.

I gulp. "Blake, I don't even know how to tell you this, but I was so depressed after everything that happened."

"You miscarried?" he asks, looking up. The expression on his face is breaking my heart because that would be the scenario that would get me off the hook. That would be the path that could keep his heart from breaking.

"No, Blake... I... I couldn't...," I stutter, tears starting to cloud my vision. "I, um...I terminated the pregnancy at six weeks."

Silence.

Not a sound. Breaths held.

I count the seconds that it takes before Blake explodes.

One second.

Five seconds.

Ten seconds.

Twenty seconds.

"You did _what_?" he asks in a voice that sends goose bumps all over my body.

Sixty-two seconds. I've never heard him speak to me like this. My heart pounds in my chest, knowing exactly the direction this conversation is going to go.

He raises himself from his crouched position and glares at me, waiting for a response. "I asked you a question, Josie. I think I deserve a fucking answer since we're talking about a baby that was _mine!"_

I wince at his raised voice. Tears start rolling, and I try to quickly swipe them away.

"Blake, you don't understand what it was like for me. Give me a minute to explain."

"Explain _what_ , Josie? That you were too proud and selfish to come to me _first?"_

"I was so depressed after everything. I didn't think I could handle having a baby. So I took a couple of weeks and decided that terminating the pregnancy was the best option."

"Two _weeks_? Two _fucking_ _weeks_ you took to convince yourself I didn't deserve to know you were pregnant with my child? Two weeks to decide that the best option was to shut me, the baby's _father_ , out of the decision completely? Are you fucking _kidding_ me?"

"That's not fair, Blake."

Blake slams his fist down on the dresser next to him and I flinch.

"Don't tell me what's fucking, fair! You don't get to throw fucking _fair_ in my face when you didn't even consult me first."

"I couldn't handle carrying your child," I say, rising from the bed. "I didn't want to risk resenting that child for carrying your bloodline."

Blake's look is filled with rage. I feel the anger and distrust radiating from him and punching me in the gut. He walks toward me and glares through to my soul. He leaves an inch of space between us -- an inch of space that was electrifying twelve hours earlier, but now is terrifying.

"You sound like a self-centered _brat_ saying that. That was _my_ child too. If you couldn't love it, then I would've made up for it."

"I understand." I try pleading with him, tears flowing freely. "I really thought we would never see each other again. It was the best option for me at the time."

"Save your tears for someone who cares," he snaps. "You aborted my child because of your weakness and selfishness. You're _pathetic_. You've always been and I was too blinded to see it. I will never forgive you for this, Josie Sommers." He leans in so his eyes are level with mine. "I never should have lied to you, but my intention was never to hurt you. I'm _nothing_ like my father, and having my child should never have been shameful to you." His eyes roam up and down my body. "You _disgust_ me... I used to think I wanted you to be the mother of my children."

He says his words so softly, but I can feel and hear each word stabbing me. He pulls back and grabs his keys and shoes off the floor. He walks to the bedroom door, but before he leaves, he stalls in the doorway. I watch him shake his head and sigh.

"I can't believe how wrong I was about you."

And then he's gone. I hear the front door slam. I drop to the floor and wrap myself into a ball. I sob harder than I've ever sobbed before. The look on his face was torture enough, but the words cut through me in a way I never expected from him.

He _was_ wrong about me. He has every right to hate me, but it doesn't make the pain any easier. I've often wondered in the past eleven months, if I made the right choice. There are some days I agree completely with my decision. There are nights I don't.

Right now, I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life.

I reach out and grab the picture of my unborn child that fell to the floor when Blake and I started arguing. I bring it to my heart and close my eyes. I let myself take five more seconds to wallow in the sorrow that has overtaken me.

One, _Daddy didn't tell me how hard telling the truth was._ Two, _the anguish that tormented Blake's face._ Three, _the look of pure hatred._ Four, _is coming clean worth the loss?_ Five, _get your ass back up, Josie, and be strong._

Losing Blake will be hard to get over, but I have gotten over being raped, catching the guy I loved more than anyone with another girl, losing the love of my life once, losing my best friend, finding out my boyfriend is related to my rapist, losing Blake again, getting an abortion, and losing Daddy. What's one more thing added to a list that long?

Life isn't meant to be easy. It's about the choices we make to shape us—about making our own happiness.

So I choose to live and move on... That's a fucking promise.

# Epilogue

### PRESENT—ONE WEEK LATER

I get a nice surprise from the purring cat who jumps into my lap while I'm reading. He begs to be loved and pet. Sure, I know he's using me so he can get his comfy on, but I don't mind the interruption. I put my Kindle down on the side table and give the cat my full attention.

"You know, that book was just getting good." He purrs back in response and sticks his cute black head under my hand to get more action. "If anyone else would have done that to me, they would not be a happy camper."

I've officially lost it. I'm talking to a cat. In a bookstore... an empty bookstore.

It's been one week since Blake slammed that door and walked out of my life, and it's been a struggle to get back to normal. I go to bed at night and picture his angry face. It hurts, but I'm getting better.

Boo here just happens to be the little critter who makes me feel normal. Mrs. Woodward has never minded me spending all day in the back corner of her store and giving her cat attention, so I've taken advantage of her hospitality all week. Every day after school, I come here and hide away from the world. I read and grade until I need to go home.

I close my eyes and relax a little while petting Boo. He seems to know I need a hug, and this is his way of comforting me. We sit like this for a couple minutes, until I hear the front door chime. I don't hear any talking from Mrs. Woodward, so I take a glance at the visitor in the store.

My heart skips a beat when I see who's there. My hand flies to my mouth in shock. He walks toward me and gives me a sexy half-smile.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to get here, Pussycat."

The End

(Keep turning for  a peek into book 2, That's a Lie)

# RESOURCES

If you or anyone you know is in need of help in regards to rape, sexual assault, date rape, sexual abuse, incest, marital rape, childhood sexual abuse, or molestation, please use the following resources for help. You are not to blame, and there are many others who are out there ready to help and support you through your emotions. Being able to talk to fellow survivors who have experienced similar emotions, feelings, fears, and doubt, can be very beneficial.

www.rainn.org (In cooperation with more than 600 rape crisis centers around the country, RAINN operates a free, 24-hour hotline for survivors of sexual assault)

www.nsvrc.org (The National Sexual Violence Resource Center is a comprehensive and distribution center for information, research, and emerging policy on sexual violence intervention and prevention)

www.mencanstoprape.com (When some men commit violence against women, all men pay a price)

www.soar99.com (Speaking Out About Rape runs national awareness, education, and prevention programs to empower survivors of sexual assault, and enhance the public understanding and acceptance of rape victims)

www.vday.org (A global movement to stop violence against women and girls)

www.svfreenyc (The mission of the New York City Alliance Against Sexual Assault is to develop and advance strategies, policies, and responses that prevent sexual violence and limit its destabilizing effects on victims, families, and communities)

# That's a Lie

#

**Seth is back.**

When he walked back into my life, it almost felt like the pieces of my broken heart could be fixed. I thought we could go back to being best friends, but then I started to feel what I had been blocking out for years. I tried. Boy, did I try! But once I started to let him in, I wanted nothing more than to cross that line from friendship into something more...

Just when I think I can move on and let myself be happy, an ugly reminder from my past comes storming in and threatens to destroy the sliver of hope that's been growing since Seth came back.

**Do I even deserve to be loved?**

_"I'm not asking to fix your heart. I'm not asking to mend you. I love each and every shattered piece of you. I'm asking that you let me love you. Let me love each piece of your broken heart, and I swear to you I will make up for every heartache you have ever experienced."_

**I came back for Josie.**

I knew I'd have to fight for her, but with the loss of her dad and the truth about what happened with her and Blake, I quickly realized that making her mine was going to be a lot harder than I first thought. The problem is, I can't pretend like she's just my best friend. I can't pretend I don't want more.

I'm willing to do anything to get her to admit she has the same passionate feelings for me, because I know once she opens up and stops lying to herself, I can show her what it really means to be loved. It's a battle of wills, but my love for her is stronger than her will to stop me.

**So I fight for her. I fight because I know she deserves it.**

Flip the page to read Chapter 1

# Chapter 1

### Josie

When you build a relationship on secrets and lies, you start to question whether or not that relationship can ever be salvaged.

First, you have to be able to forgive the betrayal—to say that it's okay that that person lied to you and kept things from you that were very important. Then you have to forget about the duplicity. Forget that they lied to you for hours, days, months, or years, so you can attempt to move on from the hurt that they caused you.

I don't think that's possible. I don't think a person can just forget that their heart was ripped open after being lied to. I don't think a person can move on as if nothing happened. And I most certainly don't think a relationship can ever be the same when all the smoke subsides, and we're only left with the ashes of a broken heart.

I'm not sad anymore. I shed no more tears for a person who turned out to be a hypocritical asshole, and I certainly feel no more warm-fuzzies when I think about him. He promised three times that he wouldn't let me go, and three times, I've had to endure the loss of him. There's no way in hell I'll put myself through that pain again.

Blake Porter can go to Hell.

"Ugh," Seth grunts, scrunching up his face and grabbing his stomach. I go in for another punch, only with a little more strength and power behind my fist.

"Ugh," he grunts again. "Jesus, Pussycat, not so hard."

"Being weak isn't an option, Seth," I say with unwavering determination.

I get back into ready stance and bounce on my toes to keep my momentum intact. I decide to change up my method and go for a kick. Using the strength in my core, I power my leg into his stomach. He grabs his abdomen and hunches over.

"Very good, Miss Sommers," Mr. Tucker says as he watches my defensive maneuvers. Seth looks up at me and gives me a menacing glare before rising back to full height. He may look intimidating, being a foot taller than me and a lot more muscular, but that doesn't deter me from wanting to kick his ass.

"I'm _so_ going to get you back for that," Seth says when the instructor passes to check on other students.

I give him my best evil laugh to distract him before surprising him with another kick. Only he's not surprised, and he grabs my foot and twists it until I fall onto the floor mat. I groan as my stomach makes forceful impact onto the ground. Before I freak out and escape, Seth grips me hard, turns me over and pins my arms above my head. He straddles me in a way that is hard to escape, but I think back to all my training and try to remember a way out of this position.

_Don't freak out. Don't freak out._ The problem with this position is that it's too familiar. For all the years I've put into learning not to be a victim again, I'm shocked at how incompetent I become when I'm forced into the positions that remind me of that night six years ago.

But then my fear turns to heat, changing when I realize exactly who is on top of me. Holding me. Touching me. I'm momentarily distracted as I see the corner of his lips lift and watch his blue-green eyes fill with humor at his _victory._

A chill runs up my back and my heartbeat flutters rapidly against my chest as I stare at his handsome face—twenty-three years old with eyes that crinkle when he smiles, blond lashes a mile long, and the lushest lips I've ever seen. Tasted.

I shake away the tingles, however futile the task is, and focus on escaping. I find my opportunity as he raises his hand to push some of his sandy blond hair out of his eyes.

I use that small window of time to buck up my hips as hard as I can. When I raise my hips for the third time, he loses his balance and falls forward. He uses his hands to stop himself from landing face-first onto the mat. I roll out of his grip and grab his hands to bring his arms behind his back, putting my weight on him to keep him on the ground. Pride courses through my veins at my small win, and I hear Seth chuckle underneath me.

"Eighteen years we've been fighting, and you still kick my ass," he says.

He's lying. I know that he could beat me easily if he wanted to, but he never uses his full strength when we're in class—he wants to give me the opportunity to perfect my self-defense skills. I shove his head playfully and get up. Mr. Tucker blows his whistle to get everyone's attention as Seth gets off the floor.

As the instructor gives out final instructions, I feel Seth's shoulder brush against mine. The miniscule touch sends an enormous sense of alertness through my body. I freeze and hold my breath, debating whether or not I should glance over to see if he even notices the contact.

He probably doesn't care anymore. He's had two years to get over me. I decide to take the risk anyway, and I slowly drag my eyes in his direction. He's staring straight ahead, listening intently to what Mr. Tucker is saying. He doesn't notice our skin brushing.

It's for the best. There's no reason for me to react this way around him, anyway.

Of course I still feel a burst of pleasure every time he touches me... it's been _two years._ When he came back two weeks ago, I was hit with a pound of shock. Clearly that's why my emotions are out of whack. Right? I had gone so long without seeing him, touching him, hugging him. _That's_ why I feel such a pull toward him now.

That has to be it. I just missed him. That's all.

But it's a lie. A lie I've been telling myself since he's been back. But I force myself to think that way. To think of him only as my best friend. I _need_ to think that way. Because Seth has always deserved so much more than what I did to him.

When I looked at Seth again in that bookstore two weeks ago, I knew that I wanted to be a better friend. I wanted to take back my life and stop being scared.

***

_"I'm sorry it took me so long to get here, Pussycat," Seth said to me when he walked into Reading Haven._

_My heart raced, and my face heated. Boo jumped out of my lap and strutted to Seth, rubbing against his leg. Seth's eyes never left mine. Depths of seafoam that I'd missed for so long._

_He'd come back._

_So many emotions rolled into me at once. I wanted to run up and jump into his arms. I wanted to punch him for leaving without telling me. But mostly, I wanted to say I was sorry, and I wanted to make everything better._

_I stood up and put my hand on my hip. "You better be sorry, Seth Montgomery . . . A fucking note? Are you kidding me?" I said anger pulling throu the most.. Beneath my anger was hurt. And he knew it._

_He left the country two years ago, and didn't even tell me. His best friend! The sting was still as strong as it had been when I got the note from him saying_ I'm sorry.

_My pretense of anger couldn't match the thrill of finally seeing him again. I had gotten good at hiding my pain over his departure from my life, and this felt like a second chance that I didn't want to give up. Seth chuckled and dropped his backpack to the floor, slowly inching toward me._

_"Somehow I knew that was exactly what you were going to say," he said, a smile creeping up his face._

_He looked incredible. His hair had grown a little bit, cropped short on the sides and long blond on top, still a sexy mess on top of his head—like he rolls out of bed and it's perfect. He dressed in black jeans and a black Young & Reckless T-shirt, with black Chucks to finish the look.  A roguish smile played on his lips... still melting my insides even though it shouldn't. _

_And his eyes—those same blue-green eyes looked up and down my body, searching for the girl he used to know._

_Seth was the only person who understood me, and no miles of distance or time between us would change that.  _

_He walked up to me until only about six inches stood between us. "I'm sorry, Jos. I should have told you, I just co―," he started to clarify, but I didn't need an explanation right then._

_I pushed myself the rest of the distance and crushed against him, wrapping my arms around the person I'd missed so much these last two years. I couldn't stop the prickle of tears as he wrapped his comforting arms around me and held me close to him._

_My best friend was here! Back in North Carolina, and I wasn't going to waste that moment rehashing our problems._

_"I missed you so much, Seth," I choked between tears._

_The tears started, and I wasn't ashamed. He pulled back and looked me in the eyes, a mixture of sadness and happiness in his eyes. He wiped my tears, and his lips lifted in a small, sad smile. I buried my head back into his chest and breathed him in. He smelled like a mixture of hay and apple pie. Home. He smelled like home._

_In a short embrace, Seth filled the hole that had kept growing since he'd left—and I didn't want to move from that spot._

_"I missed you more than you'll ever know, Pussycat," Seth said softly, stroking my hair as he held me tight._

_I thought that he had given up on our friendship when he left. Of course, he had every right.. A couple e-mails here and there was never enough._

_"I'm so sorry about your dad. I tried to find a way to get here as soon as I got the e-mail from my mom, but I was in a location with no service, so I didn't get the message until two days ago. She told me what happened when I got in this morning," he continued, stroking my hair as I held him close._

_In my emotional state, the reminder about Daddy's passing only fueled more sobs. Seth continued to run his hands through my hair and rub my back as he held my weary body. When I didn't think I could cry any more tears, I pulled away from him and punched him in the bicep._

_He grabbed his arm and chuckled. "And somehow I knew you were going to do that, too," he said._

_I wiped the tears from my face and tried to make myself look normal. "Yeah . . . Well, you deserve it. Two goddamn years, Seth!"_

_"You know I had to leave, Pussycat. After everything . . ." he swallowed hard, pleading me with his eyes. "I just needed to let you go. Give you a chance to be happy," he said, his sadness unmistakable in his voice._

_My heart broke. I was a terrible friend. I had blamed him for the problems in my relationship with Blake. I had told him that what we'd had was disgusting. I admitted that I had_ used _him._

_Instead of accepting how crazy in love with him I was, I chose someone who was supposed to be a safe choice. Seth had every right to walk away from me forever, but he had come back._

_"I'm so sorr―," I started, but he cut me off by grabbing my hand and pulling me in for another hug._

_"Don't worry about it, Jos. We can talk about it later. Right now, I just want to be here for you. How's your dad?"_

_I sighed and pulled away from him. I picked up my bag and put my Kindle inside of it. My relief was overwhelming. All I wanted was to talk to my best friend for the first time in two years._

_"He's doing as well as you can expect," I answered, grabbing Seth's hand and pulling him toward the door. "He's depressed. When we found out that Daddy had been in a car accident, he was a wreck. He couldn't even move when he got the phone call. I had to take the phone and get all the details."_

_We walked down the sidewalk along a strip of stores. Movement meant I had something else to focus on. I didn't have to stand in one spot and concentrate on the gravity of my words._

_"He died instantly. There was no way to revive him. That's what hurts the most, I think. There was no chance for him to survive. One minute, he's telling us he's going to run to the store to get some ice cream for a movie night, and the next thing we know, he's gone. Ripped from our lives forever."_

_I tried to swallow the swell of emotions gathering in my throat. Tears were threatening to fall again as I remembered that night three weeks ago. I heard Seth sigh next to me, and looked up to see his own turmoil. His eyebrows pulled together and his Adam's apple twitched as he tried to swallow. His hand squeezed mine tightly. My parents were family to him, too._

_"I can't believe he's gone. My dad is great, your dad is great, but Will was something else. He was_ amazing _," he said sadly, shaking his head._

_"Yeah, I know . . . Dad's getting there. I saw him a couple days ago, and I think he might start going back to work soon. It could be good for him. Take his mind off of things," I said and shrugged my shoulders. I didn't really know how Dad was going to get over this. Daddy was his soul mate. Seth wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me close to him, and we continued our walk through our little town._

_"Things'll get better, Jos. I'm not leaving this time. I'll help as best as I can."_

_"Thanks, Sethy," I said quietly. He amazed me. The fact that he had come back and was promising to be there for me was something I certainly didn't deserve, but peace washed over me for the first time in what seemed like forever._

***

Seth's been back for two weeks but I still haven't seen him as much as I would have liked—instead, I've been focusing on my final exams and papers for my master's degree. Since I finished school a couple days ago, we started making more plans together. Innocent, best friend plans—like in the old days.

Of course beating each other up is one of those bestie pastimes, so that's what we're doing today.

Mr. Tucker continues to talk to us about how to be prepared for anything. I've heard all the rules numerous times, but it doesn't make them any less important. I just wish Seth would move his damn arm so I can pay attention. He's making my breath a little short, and I don't like how it feels.

I don't want to get sucked into those emotions ever again. I don't want to feel them for _anyone_. Between the bricks surrounding my heart, the mortar is still wet—still raw from the pain.

But the urge to look at him to too strong. I tell myself it's just to make sure he hasn't noticed my reaction.

I turn my head slightly and look at Seth. He's in a black tank top and black shorts, looking so good. There's a splash of red color on his toned arms from working out in the sun again at his parent's farm, and his skin is glistening slightly with the little bit of sweat that we worked up.

I notice him, but he doesn't notice me. He's not paying any attention to me.

***

Find That's a Lie on Goodreads 

# ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Well, this process will not be something I can soon forget. Between the wine, the Xanax, and the support of friends, family, and my writing team, I have a lot to be thankful for.

Before I finished the first version of this story, my husband and I suffered from a miscarriage. If it hadn't been for his support and love, there is no way I would have finished Josie's story. I went back to this story even after a traumatic experience through his encouragement, so I am infinitely grateful to him.

My daughter Alexis is my sole motivation for writing. She makes me feel like I can do and be anything I want. Every time I hear "I love you mommy" I have another spark of inspiration to write one more sentence.

Thanks to my mom! Without her, I would still be sitting at home wondering if I was worthy of anything—if I would amount to anything in this life.

Thank you Ben for being the dad I always need, even though I never asked you to take that role in my life. Hayley for all the laughs and humor that you bring into everyone's lives (I would use some of your jokes if they weren't so naughty). Alaina for being the sister who gives me the best hugs. Bonnie for always being supportive and helpful to our family month after month. Jake for being the best brother-in-law I could ever ask for, especially since mine don't love me. In addition to them, I am grateful to the rest of my family and friends who have been nothing but supportive in this process. Kait, Tiffany, Wayne, George, Kaitlin, Hilary, Timmy, Wayne, and Heather.

Also, to the creators of Teen Wolf, because Tyler Hoechlin is so sexy that he became my motivation for a certain character. Also, Daryl Dixon's arms, from The Walking Dead, because... well, do I need an explanation? Oh, and Matt Bomer's butt (again, no explanation needed).

Echo Reed is my best friend and most trusted confidant. When I am down or sad or happy or worried or ecstatic, she is _always_ there. I really don't think I would have survived if it wasn't for her. Thanks for being my friend.

Finally, I want to give a huge thanks to all the friends and blogs who have been supportive of this process. This doesn't even begin to cover everyone! Kerri Mclaughlin, Shelley Custer, Felicia Tatum, Raquel Auriemma, Jamie Carollo, and Gabriella Bieler, Susan Leggio, Rene Beyer, Amanda Shmolke, Ebony McMillan, Irene Rosa, Caitlyn Flores, Jennifer Newton, Telissa Kuhlman, Mandy Herrera, Retta Rusaw, Mindy Nabors, Shelley Custer, Cynthia DeDear, April Stinson-Scott, Summer Clark, Lisa Seich, Christye Cagle, Julie Bourke, Margaret Smith, Alicia Carmical, Theresa Tunnel, Marie Tudgay, Dawn Cooper, Stacey Hole, Tabitha Holmes, Tana Wheeler (Love you lady!), Kristen Hinkle, Desiree Griggs, Cassandra Salamone, Erika Van Eck.

# About the Author

#

Victoria Klahr lives in Virginia Beach, Virginia with her dreamy husband of four years and their two beautiful daughters. She is a self-proclaimed book-nerd who likes to sniff books before she reads them and fantasizes about book boyfriends. She is the author of the Promises, Promises series, including That's a Promise, That's a Lie, and That's a Relief. She writes happily-ever-afters one heartache and tragedy at a time, and won't apologize for making you cry.

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