Hey Buffy!
Oh!
Hey!
So you know Loretta Jenkins
is always tryin’ to stay ahead of the times
and what’s trendin’ and shit
but good Lord,
there gotta be somewhere I draw the line.
And today I’m drawin’ the line
on this 50 Shades of shit book.
UGH…
You good dog, come here.
I love my dog.
Hey y’all this is one of the rare times
Buffy come here.
She’s shy.
Buffy is a real shy labrador.
Member I told y’all,
sometimes she a beagle-
A basset hound.
Sometime she a lab.
Sometime she a shitzu.
She got powers.
So does Mistress Loretta.
Man, this 50 Shades Book
is why we ought to bring back book burnin’.
I ain’t never read such-
Yeah I read shit more than the tabloids
and my vibrator instruction manual.
Well, I didn’t read it
as much as Margie read it to me.
Can’t get that bitch to shut up.
I’m gonna tell y’all.
There ain’t much less sexy than her squeaky
voice
just goin’ on and on about bondage
and chokin’ and chain-male fistin’.
Sorry Margie, I ain’t like you like that!
Shit, she giggle like Betty Rubble.
Heheheheheeee.
I’d like to whip her with a
big ol’ Indiana Jones whip.
Waaachoooo!
Hehehehe Ow!
Yeah I’ll show you my 50 Shades.
50 Shades of Bitch.
This is the worst written schlockiest
since Run Dick and Jane Run.
Man, I seen better plot and dialogue
on the wall of the gas station
better than this shit.
Course, that’s usually about yours truly,
but that’s neither here or there.
The ‘writer’ posted this on some
Twilight fanfic webpage
and just plagerized herself with a rebrand
and it went viral.
And she ain’t even sexy like me.
That ain’t fair.
This is the plot synopsis on this Shitty Shades.
This mousey reporter or some shit
meets this steely business guy…
Who like to beat women
while he fuck them.
This dude just make women
subjugate submissive to men
and I ain’t down with that.
Blah blah…no plot…blah blah.
Even less plot over here.
Blah blah.
Whipping whipping spankin’
That’s all.
BORING!
Unless you the average housewife
and ain’t never been laid properly.
Course, there’s some things
that the public don’t know about me yet.
Like before I inherited this here trailer
park,
I put my mean streak
and sexy side to good use…
As Mistress Beat-Your-Ass.
It’s amazing how much a man will pay for
degradation.
You know they’d rather do that
than give you equal wages I reckon.
IRS thinks I made six G’s that year…
(chuckle)
Naw.
Oh and then they go and waste
a whole heap of celluloid
on takin’ this toilet paper substitute
and makin’ it into a movie.
Now I gone on record years ago
sayin’ the worst actress of all time
is goddang Melanie Griffin.
So when it come time
to make this piece of shit movie,
of course they’re gonna cast
the awful youngin’ what crawled out
of her untalented cooch.
Oh I bet she all proud
her daughter all titty-clamped up
and everything.
Course her momma only won an award
for playin’ a slut,
so I reckon the rotten apple
don’t fall far from the whore tree, right?
Am I right?
Can I get an amen?
I bet Don Johnson’s pissed.
Well I gived a handy
to the popcorn sweeper-upper
to get in and see this fuckin’ flick
cause this isn’t the kind of shit
that you pay to see!
I mean a hand job’s free.
It don’t take any time out of my day.
And do you know that they
go through this whole fuckin’ movie
and don’t once show this
Grey motherfucker’s pecker
not even once!
Not even a side shot
or some shadow.
Anything!
What kind of bullshit is that?
It’s 2015.
It ain’t like everybody ain’t seen a dick
before.
Especially if we got carded to see this movie.
And even though they ain’t no fuckin’
to watch,
I had to get up halfway through and leave
cause I couldn’t stomach no more-
(masturbatory noises)
-nasty muff-rubbin’ goin’ on
virtually in round from the chorus
of horny housewives.
God give me the dry heaves for three days.
Let’s just say this 50 Shades
should have stayed on the internet
where porn is supposed to be
you nasty idgits!
And that’s How I Seize It.
(whip noise)
