-Welcome back.
-Thank you for having me back.
-I'm very happy
to have you here.
-Thank you. How are you?
-I'm well. How are you?
-No, you're not well.
You sound terrible.
-Yeah, I do. You have to --
I feel like a British person
would be very "stiff upper lip"
about it.
-I appreciate that.
We would not complain about it.
Because what we do is repress
any strong feelings
about anything and then
address them when we die.
-That's -- So you do have time
slotted for it.
-There's a time and a place, and
it's once everything is over.
-That's good.
-Yeah.
-You, though,
must be doing very well,
'cause you did not
even know about this.
We had to tell you.
Congratulations.
You were in People's
Sexiest Man Alive issue.
-That's right.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, wait. Okay.
And first, you're right.
I didn't know about that
until a producer --
And also my reaction
was similar to your audience.
They're going,
"Wh-o-o-at the [bleep]?
Are you sure about that?
Was there an advert for his show
at the back of the magazine?"
-I will say it's pretty close
to the back of the magazine.
-Yeah, so it's not part
of the list, right?
-Well, it's -- Look.
If it's in the magazine,
it's in the magazine.
It's in a section called
"From Geeky to Gorgeous."
-Yeah. What I would say there is
they can go [bleep] themselves.
-Yeah, let's get close
and see exactly what they're
calling geeky back in the day.
-Well, yeah. Also -- Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Exactly. Exactly.
'Cause you notice,
that's the real deal.
That's geeky with a capital G.
Krasinski is already
handsome there.
-Yeah.
-That's from attractive
to incredibly attractive.
He does not belong on
"Geeky to Gorgeous."
-Well, I feel like they --
-Ruffalo's gone backwards.
-Yeah. Ruffalo...
[ Laughter ]
He went from gorgeous to geeky.
He somehow went from
gorgeous to geeky.
That is heartbreaking.
-Yeah.
-I want to ask about this.
The engagement.
There's big news
on your little isle.
So, Harry got engaged.
Do you care about this?
-No. No. I don't care.
It's very difficult for me
to give less of a [bleep]
than I give now.
I could possibly
give less of a [bleep],
but I'd have to
really actively try,
at which point
you're almost caring.
So, no, I don't care.
I care -- I don't care.
It doesn't matter. Do you care?
Give me a percentage.
Give me a number of
how much you honestly care.
No "talk-show host; maybe
they'll be a guest one day."
-I'm gonna be fully honest.
-Honestly.
-Zero percent, then I found out
that she went to my college,
and I went up to like 8%.
-[ Laughs ] Wow.
-I heard she went to
Northwestern,
and I was like, "Oh, great!"
So I went from zero to 8%.
-Is that --
So, does Northwestern
get an 8%
regardless of the person?
If you found out Ted Kaczynski
actually went to Northwestern,
would you go from,
"Oh, he's like -7%
to it's +1% for Ted now"?
-Well, he was never
as low as -7%.
[ Laughs ]
No, I think I would --
I guess, all things considered,
I guess I would prefer
that he went there
because then I could, like --
I could prove to people, "Look,
we're not all Kaczynskis."
-Yeah. Where did --
He went to Harvard.
-Yeah, I think Kaczynski
went to Harvard.
So there's plenty
of talk-show hosts
that went to school with him.
-[ Laughs ] Yeah, I don't care
in the slightest.
-Are you shocked
that Americans care?
-Americans definitely care more
than British people do.
You will see --
When it happens, this wedding --
If it happens. Who knows.
[ Audience groans ]
Who knows. Who knows.
Maybe the world has ended
before then.
There's a nonzero chance
of that happening, as well.
-Yes, this is not about them
falling out of love.
This is about the world
falling out of orbit.
-They're the perfect couple.
It's the fact
our current president
has us on a death path.
So May seems --
Is it May? Mar-- It doesn't
matter. It doesn't matter.
Yeah, when it happens
and there's people waving
British flags as they go past,
what will happen is what happens
at every royal wedding,
and that there will be
news crews going over saying,
"Oh, we have some Londoners
here. Are you enjoying this?"
And always you will see
someone say,
[American accent]
"Oh, we love it here.
We flew in -- We love
the pomp and the circumstance."
[ Normal voice ]
It's just Americans. It's --
Americans love the idea
of watching British people
do something objectively silly.
And celebrating a royal wedding
is silly
because the royal family
is, at its very essence,
a very silly thing.
-And these weddings, though,
remind people
that there is still
a functioning royal family.
-Right. Which is weird.
-Yeah.
-It's a weird thing to have.
It's like if you had a tail.
That would be weird.
-Yeah.
-You don't need a tail.
Maybe at some point in your
family's history it was helpful,
but I don't know.
But you don't need it now,
and it would be weird
if you had a tail.
-The weird thing is when you
watch shows like "The Crown"
and you watch it --
-I don't want to add fuel
to conspiracy theorists online
about whether Seth Meyers
has a tail or not.
-Yeah.
-We don't know.
-He's never -- He's neither
confirmed nor denied.
-And if I had one
and had told it to you,
it was very clearly
in confidence.
That's the part that would be --
I would behoove you to remember.
-Listen. As we know,
the tree was turned on tonight.
Everyone is just reveling
in the majesty of the tree
being turned on tonight.
-Tonight.
You can feel the glow.
-You can feel it because
it was turned on tonight.
-Yeah.
-That's right.
That's why you can feel it.
Because it happened tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-So happy.
-They're applauding 'cause
they remember it happening.
