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The Warlock Who Managed To Outsmart The Dungeon
Master & Surprise Everyone
Hi everyone.
All Things DnD is back with another story.
This is winning in DND.
So many stories are about terrible DMs trying
to beat down their player’s but this story
is the exact opposite of that.
We’d love to hear about your “winning”
moments after you listen to this masterpiece
that made us clap for the warlock in the end:
This is the story of when a good DM made an
active attempt to kill most of the party in
as hard a fight as he could fairly give us,
something he fully admitted to afterwards,
but things went wrong for him in the best
way possible.
Technically, it’s not possible for any single
player to win at D&D as it’s a team based
roleplaying game where you’re just supposed
to have fun and slay imaginary goblins to
get fictional rewards.
Still, I’d argue if you’re able to not
just ruin the plans of the DM in the best
and most epic way possible, breaking his spirit
in the process, but also get away with many
more loot and experience then you should have
gotten by a long way, then yes, you have won
at this game.
Next game though, be prepared to fight an
Archmage Tarrasque single-handedly if he feels
as if you’re getting a bit too cocky.
The DM always remembers what you do.
This game took place in a West Marches setting,
so we were doubled up on some classes and
races.
That said, let’s get this story started
by introducing our players:
I’m playing Honest Con - Tiefling Warlock
of Lathander, merchant lord, capitalist and
greedy adventurer.
Puts the “ha” in chaotic neutral.
Only reason Lathander is his patron is due
to spending over a year wearing the god down
into being Honest’s friend.
Basically, I played Honest as a ridiculously
cartoonish Satan mixed with Monty Burns from
The Simpsons and Del Boy from Only Fools and
Horse.
The DM: A great guy who loves mean traps,
meaner monsters and random magic effects.
Will let you roll anything as it’s cool,
or you can RP it properly.
Christabella Thornwhip - Halfling Wild Sorcerer,
chaotic small person and, after a game I ran
for her where she found a magic item that
mutates organic life, has a big red squirrel
tail with a large razor toothed mouth on the
end.
It’s neutral evil in alignment but doesn’t
really do anything other than whisper fun
prank ideas into her ear.
Xagath - also a Tiefling Warlock, but of Mephistopheles.
Decidedly the opposite of Honest in every
way.
Holds a corner office on the eighth layer
of hell and has an Imp familiar called Vom
who dies every game without fail.
Mostly at the hands of the rest of the party.
Valemon - another Tiefling, another Wild Sorcerer.
Snarky and sarcastic.
Own’s a gardening center, though it just
amounts to a ruined garden shed.
The only indication that it’s a shop being
a small sign on the door and a few withered
plants on the shelves.
Very much the blaster of our party.
Tarhan the Giant Slayer - blue Dragonborn
Fighter, beefy boy and, yes, he loves fighting
giants.
Made it a personal goal to try and slay one
of each kind for the fun of it.
Eventually, we finally decided to just make
it canon that the tale of Tarhan the Giantslayer
was so great, that giants read stories about
him to their children to frighten them into
behaving.
The party is exploring the mountains north
of their hometown, Miran, looking for a city
sized airship named Zale’s Heaven.
It’s said to have gone missing centuries
ago under mysterious circumstances.
Made of metals and magic lost to time so we
figure it must be very valuable.
Honest has a lot of interest in this ship
for a few reasons.
Current Warlock patron is Lathander the Morninglord,
god of the sun, but the old one was an Elder
Evil known as The Dust.
Elder Evils are always campaign enders.
Look up Atropus the World Born Dead, and you
get the general gist for how strong they are.
Honest considers it in his best interest to
find an aircraft which can move VERY quickly.
They find the airship after a week and explore
it.
After passing through several magical portraits
where some weird stuff happens like Xagath
dying and being resurrected, jumping through
fixed points in time and Christabella gaining
an epic boon by rolling very high on percentile
dice.
We find the Lich.
The Lich has put himself in suspended animation
on his throne and surrounded by all the things
he considered to be most valuable to him.
Wealth, magic items and, behind him, not a
thing, but a person.
His lover, a Mermaid the size of a Frost Giant,
frozen in ice so thick that we could have
used all our spells blasting it and gotten
nowhere near to reaching her.
Later it turns out that the Lich and Mermaid
were the DM’s and another player’s old
characters.
I think they did this to themselves as, over
time, a Lich will slowly lose their humanity
and this one didn’t want to stop loving
his wife.
Mermaid was immortal and did the same thing,
just so time didn’t dull her feelings.
Once woken, and after he’s used the Disguise
Self spell so he looks as he did when he was
still alive, Lich is surprisingly friendly
and, after engaging in a bit of friendly combat
for his own amusement, agrees to help us out.
He won’t give us his ship as he’s still
using it, but gives Honest a different smaller
one.
He also gives the rest of party magic items
or gold to make them go away.
We get an Elemental Airship like the ones
used in Eberron, but with extra goodies like
an afterburner for boosted speed and the ability
to go into space for a week.
I’d mentioned to the DM that Honest’s
retirement plans involved making his own dungeons
for fun, possibly even a moon dungeon.
This DM is the best DM.
As we prepare to leave, Lich stops us.
He tells us that if we take the airship, an
Ancient Blue Dragon by the name of Skyfang
will come after us to try and steal the ship.
Only reason it hasn’t already attacked is
because it doesn’t want to fight anywhere
near the Lich's lair.
Offers to help us, but for a price.
He wants us to amuse him.
Offers to put us all through some tests.
If we undergo them and reduce Skyfang to half
health, he’ll enter the fight himself to
help us out.
We’re all levels 10 and 11.
Skyfang’s challenge rating is 23.
We have no choice but to agree.
Each test is designed to show us what would
eventually destroy our characters if they
didn’t change ways or find a way to resolve
the problems we’ve caused.
For Valemon, it is his feud with his family
from The City of Brass, and his unwillingness
to follow their commands.
For Xagath, his inability to control his followers
who dream of betraying him.
For Christabella, her pranks and chaotic nature
which had led to her uncle being arrested.
In this trial, we failed to save her uncle,
resulting in an Androsphinx killing him.
For Tarhan, his feud with the giants and how
he was slowly incurring the wrath of The Giant
King, the most powerful and tallest giant
who’s ever lived.
As for Honest, his trial wasn’t set by the
Lich himself, but by Skyfang which the DM
had decided best represented Honest’s greed.
Was more than accurate.
Honest isn’t evil.
He just loves money way too much.
He’s the kind of person who fills his businesses
with almost entirely unpaid interns, will
make deals with the worst in the world for
a quick coin, and likes to farm monsters such
as the Corpse Flower to sell to BBEG’s for
lair protection.
As Skyfang approached from the distance, DM
gave us time to think up a plan.
Honest and Xagath summon Air Elements to intercept
Skyfang and keep him busy.
Valemon gets on a Flying Carpet to circle
the ship and prepares to blast Skyfang when
it gets closer.
Christabella runs to the front of the ship
to use the mounted weapons and blasts Skyfang
with a weapon range of 800 feet.
Tarhan pulls out his sword and waits for Skyfang
to get within whacking distance.
Things immediately go wrong as Skyfang ignores
the Air Elementals and just comes straight
for the ship.
Seeing this, Honest bravely and heroically
hides in the Captain’s quarters.
That turned out to be the smart move to make.
Skyfang starts the encounter with lightning
breath.
Does 16d10 damage to Tarhan and the ship.
Then lands on the ship and kills Xagath’s
Imp familiar, Vom.
Vom dies every game so no one cares.
Hearing loud noises outside, Honest pushes
the cabin door open a little and peeks outside.
Sees Skyfang’s rear pointed directly at
him.
Shuts the door.
And makes sure to lock the door.
Skyfang hears the sound of door locking because
why wouldn’t he?
Next round, Skyfang breaks the door down effortlessly
because the door is made of wood and Skyfang
is made of hate.
Skyfang’s next lightning breath is aimed
at Honest.
Does 93 lightning damage, reducing Honest
from full hit points to just 5.
I think for a moment.
The airship, which started with over 200 hit
points, now only has 30, will crash if something
isn’t done.
Honest really likes his ship and has already
named it The Honest Ride.
While the next player takes their turn, I
check my equipment list and notice something.
The DM likes making homebrew items.
One item he let Honest spend money to farm,
and so getting an unlimited supply of, was
called Funky Fungus.
Eating a mushroom and failing a DC 13 constitution
save results in a random wild magic effect
happening, centred on the person who ate it.
I get an idea but need to hammer it home with
good RP.
Also, on the ship and in the captain's office
is Honest’s fiancée.
Optimal Luckyfingers, Tiefling Cleric of Mask
and mother of Honest's son, Little Con.
Honest likes her because she steals him cool
stuff, helps him out with high-level cleric
magic from time to time and, based on a picture
the DM drew when introducing her with a bunch
of other NPC’s, is Thicc with a capital
T.
Honest is a very shallow man.
It was probably the DM's plan from the start
to get Honest with her as, being my first
character, I did what a lot of new D&D players
do when playing a charisma character.
Flirt with any woman who passes by, though
almost always roll low.
The only times Honest has ever succeeded in
a seduction roll was with a hag who he ended
up French kissing as part of a deal, and the
god of evil dragons, Tiamat, by rolling a
natural 20.
After a while though, Tiamat and Honest decided
to just stay friends.
Anyway, back to the game.
I ask the DM if Lich is watching us.
He said “yes.”
Nodding, Honest turns to Luckyfingers and
simply says “go, you’re more important
than this ship.”
Luckyfingers takes their son and teleports
out.
Skyfang is twenty feet in the air off the
starboard bow.
Honest steps outside of the Captain’s quarters
with the bag of Funky Fungus.
He shoves all of the mushrooms into his mouth
and polymorphs into a Giant Ape, then jumps
off the side of the ship and attempts to grapple
Skyfang.
As I finished describing all of that, I told
the DM that I swallow all the mushroom and
willingly fail all my saving throws.
The DM is silent at this.
He remains silent for a long time.
DM is thinking VERY hard.
Finally, he asks me to roll contested athletics.
I roll athletics for Honest Con’s Giant
Ape form, which I like to call King Con.
I only roll a 7, but Giant Apes have the athletics
skill on their stat block.
Total score is 16.
DM rolls in front of everyone.
Rolls a 2.
Even with Skyfang’s ridiculous strength,
he still only gets a total of 11.
The DM is deathly silent as he tries to process
what to do.
Is silent for 5 minutes straight.
He considers using the Net Libram of Random
Magical Effects, a free online list of 10,000
random effects for when magic goes wrong.
He’s used this list a few times before and
it’s saved characters more than once with
lucky rolls.
Thought he’d use that to decide on this,
but the DM decides that what has just happened
goes beyond even using that.
Also considers just killing off Honest but
doesn’t.
Eventually he decides on something.
“As you swallow all the Funky Fungus, your
polymorphed body begins radiating rainbow
light which illuminates the entire airship
and can be seen from beyond the horizon.
As your skin begins to bubble, you feel it
melt into Skyfang’s.
The two of you are fusing together from the
sheer force of magical energy and becoming
a single entity.”
The DM said.
There is silence from the entire table at
this.
“The Lich saw all this, right?”
I asked.
“He did,” the DM said.
“He saw Honest telling Luckyfingers, his
fiancée, to save herself before possibly
sacrificing himself to save the rest of the
party?”
“ …he did,” the DM said.
“Is he impressed?”
The DM, being very reluctant - “… yes.
As the fusion takes place and you feel yourself
altering beyond recognition, time stops.
The world turns to shades of black, white
and grey, and the Lich appears.
He saw everything that happened and not only
is he impressed; he’d like to make you an
offer.
Three options you can choose from which’ll
decide your fate.”
This is what the DM finally decided on.
Option 1: Lich will blow up the dragon and
Honest.
They'll both die but that’ll be the end
of combat.
The Lich will then take the party and ship
to their home safely.
I don’t even consider this option.
Honest wouldn’t want to die and I want to
keep playing as him for as long as possible.
Option 2: Allow the fusion to continue.
Lich doesn’t know what will become of Honest
as there’s a good chance Skyfang will survive,
but so might Honest, albeit irrevocably altered
and fused with the dragon.
Better than option 1, but not by much.
Option 3: Lich can undo transformation.
Skyfang will be alive and very unhappy, but
so will Honest.
Fight continues but Lich will be helping from
here on out.
I only have 5 hit points, and the ship only
has about 30.
After careful thought, I choose option 2.
“Alright, if you’re sure.
How many dice do you have?”
The DM asked.
“I’m a D&D player, so a lot.”
“Count them out and then roll 1d4.”
The DM instructed.
I do so.
“Okay, so I’ve only got 127 dice, times
by 3 is… err…
381.
Why?”
The DM checks Skyfang’s health, and winces.
“That’s just barely enough.
Skyfang’s wings burst off his body and his
heart stops.
He’s dead and no longer flying.
You’re very high off the ground.
Max fall damage is 20d6.”
He said.
I did say at the beginning of this that DMs
never forget what you do.
“I grab him.”
Valemon said.
“What?”
The DM asked, perplexed.
“I have a hand free, right?”
I asked.
“ … sure?”
“I aid him so he has advantage on that roll.”
Valemon had been keeping out of the fight
for the most part, but with his Flying Carpet
and Belt of Fire Giant Strength, he was the
closest to Honest and the best person to try
and help Honest out of this mess.
Rolls strength.
Rolls High.
“Alright, you’ve got him, but the carpet
can’t hold that much weight, so…”
“I take out a weapon to cut him out.”
Valemon said.
The DM allows it.
Valemon rolls again.
Rolls even higher than before.
“ … Valemon, you cut Honest out leaving
Skyfang’s corpse to fall to the ground far
below with a distant thud…
This… wasn’t supposed to happen.”
The DM looks like he’s lost something in
this game as, by his full admission, he was
planning on trying to kill most of us, albeit
as fairly as he was able to, but soldiers
on regardless.
He goes on to describe that Honest is currently
fused to a big clump of dragon flesh and needs
to be cut out.
Will probably take months to fully recover.
Honest now looks more like a slug than anything,
and will need surgery to be less slug like.
Hearing this, Christabella proceeds to poke
Honest with a stick as her pet dog runs circles
around him.
Her dog survived the battle as we unanimously
decided it was immune to all damage due to
being too cute.
The DM decides that due to the experience
of what happened, Honest’s racial stats
have now permanently changed to reflect his
new draconic nature.
Now has lightning resistance instead of fire
resistance and racial spells replaced by Dragon’s
Breath spell and Dragon Roar cantrip.
He also gains a bunch of blue scales on his
back, chest, arms and cheeks.
It’s then that I remember that Skyfang is
a dragon, along with the one thing dragons
are famous for other than being combat monsters.
“What about Skyfang’s hoard?”
“You don’t know where that is.”
The DM replied.
“Then I’d like to ritual cast the Divination
spell to find it.”
The DM, who’s very much panicked, by this.
“You need a hand free to cast that and you’re
fused to the dragon.”
“You said I had a hand free to grab Valemon’s,
so I can cast it, right?”
The DM looks like a broken man at this point.
He goes silent for a final time.
Then with a defeated shake of his head ends
the game.
It’s several days before he decides on how
to handle Skyfang’s hoard as he needs to
research Ancient Blue Dragons.
As it turns out, when dragons near the end
of their life, they start eating the hoard
they’d spent over a thousand years building
up.
DM was never going to allow us all the hoard,
deciding most was on the other side of the
world and some was already digested.
In the end, and after I’m banned from using
Funky Fungus ever again, we get a few very
rare magic items, 50,000 experience and more
wealth then we should ever reasonably have
for our level by a long margin.
We also levelled up once.
When your own homebrew magical items backfire.
Well played, this was honestly the best quick
thinking I’ve heard in a long time.
Please let us know what you think and comment
below!
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