 
I was thinking, isn’t democracy brilliant,
it propels the will of the people forward
in the form of a leader and a party, and the
will of the people is holier than all else,
unless, of course, they’re wrong.
Now before you start calling me some sort
of anarcho nazi communist lizard person I
think the idea of democracy is as others have
put forward, deeply flawed but better than
all else, I mean at least it keeps the plebians
sated and feeling empowered, well unless they’re
in one of the free world’s many ghettoes,
I mean inner cities, I mean under versatile
economic sub medium light orange to red zones.
The problem with democracy is that when you
divide people into nations you encourage xenophobia
– no not that please don’t put the pincers
on my brain in a fema camp that doesn’t
exist.
I misspoke, nations are great.
What I mean to say is the problem is the bloated
corruption and inaction that often comes with
democracy, like dating a super model who’s
breathe smells like onions and bollocks.
You know you’ve reached the pinnacle of
seeking out a representative of the people
when you’ve got the wife of someone who
was premiere for the maximum allowed term
and a billionaire; I often find myself looking
at leadership contenders and saying to myself
well this person isn’t from a sagging dynasty
that’s pulling more baggage than a tugboat
or an extremely rich celebrity, or so utterly
peppered with scandal Ollie North is looking
like a viable contender for 2020, who the
fuck do they think they are?
Don’t get me wrong democracy is absolutely
better than Hitler, unless it’s voting in
Hitler, or the politicians are sitting around
giving themselves constant pay rises despite
public spending being slashed, or the politicians
are giving government contracts to their mother-in-laws
and uncles, or the politicians in charge – oh
you get the picture.
Is this getting a bit heavy, well here’s
me doing an impression of a chicken.
You see, no anti-democracy demagogue has ever
been funny, so lay down your criticism, I’m
alright.
Bread and circuses and guns and butter.
The real problem with democracy is no one’s
going to vote in the grey faced dwarf who
shakes when he speaks, wants to raise taxes,
and has a completely sound plan for eliminating
the national debt and preventing an economic
meltdown the next guy will have to deal with
anyway.
You see electioneering is all about telling
people things are going to get better for
them, not let’s tighten our belts just a
little bit to help those poor people you think
you’re better than anyway – those lazy
bastards.
Then again what do I know, I’m from a place
ruled by a queen, well I mean ruled in the
same way Ozzy Ozbourne is king of his house,
a place where a party can get 12.6% of the
national vote but secure only one parliamentary
seat in 650 – but then again no matter how
much more democratic proportional representation
might be it’s going to be long tarred by
that whole Hitler thing, don’t know if you
remember that one.
You see I guess if we were to have an absolute
democracy where people were to vote on every
single thing from how thick the new road’s
tarmac should be to how many smacks in the
teeth Piers Morgan needs, or even if there
was a representative of every single issue
at hand, things would just take too long – for
god’s sake there’s fox hunting to ban,
llama owners to persecute, and petty cash
to feck.
What about the politicians themselves – the
few normals amongst them are so few and far
between they start to look like some sort
of suited supermen next to Teeth McIncest
and Barry Not So Crypto Racist Porkly.
These people, let’s face it, are voted for
at least somewhat for their personality – I
mean who do you want Ed Gein or Jezza Dahmer?
You start to realise how dangerous it might
actually be if someone charismatic and without
any skeletons to out, came along and started
saying all sorts of things about actually
doing something sometime.
Don’t get me wrong there are some politicians
with actual, you know, in i-i-i- integrity,
RIP Robin Cook, but I get the sense those
that didn’t go into politics because they’re
narcissistic psychopaths or looking to have
their arseholes massaged by lobbyists and
vested interests, either get chewed back down
to the little leagues pretty quick or undergo
the sort of transformation akin to leaving
an open jar of mayonnaise in the blazing sun.
And also, do you know how fucking hard it
is to overthrow a democracy – if you look
at the country I may or may not live in, The
Bent Republic Of Kleptostan, where the government
is complicit in wholsesale murder in the name
of stealing as much as it can, the people,
I hypothesise and must make clear for my Intelligence
Service Handlers – friends, that I am not
involved in any action to subvert so-called
but not really democracy; the people have
nothing to overthrow.
Give them a dictatorship and they can rebel
against that, give them a revolving door of
scum sucking thieves who really are not working
together but are mutually complicit in an
unbelievably corrupt system, and what can
you do?
Well make sure to vote for the balding English
man with a French-German name.
I promise you my cathartic reign will at least
be action packed, let the hunger games begin.
Just A Thought.
