- Happy Easter.
We haven't talked since Easter.
Except for yesterday, so,
happy Easter and this Easter,
I did get to go on an egg hunt,
at the supermarket.
I fought six women for a carton of eggs.
All right favorite joke yesterday is,
(drum roll)
(cymbal clangs)
(laughs loudly)
Dr. FungChi and Dr. Couchy,
still working on Dana.
But I did like sitting
in yesterday for him.
The ending, I did say get effed,
it wasn't planned, obviously,
most of the shit I say just comes out,
and I apologized to my mother,
who did not like it.
Okay, also the comments.
Some guy said, "I like
the Jackie Gleason joke,
"I didn't understand the rest of them."
The rest of them,
the other 10,
did not understand them.
I would accept, "I didn't like them."
I do not accept, "I don't understand."
Then how did you understand that one?
Also, someone got mad
because when I said I don't
like little YouTuber kids
that are making 10 million a year,
making Lego videos, doing Legos.
I obviously I'm jealous.
I don't really hate the kids.
I did tell them to get fucked.
I don't hate them.
I was just jealous.
It was a jealous rage.
And he didn't like I said Legos.
But guess what,
I'm saying Legos.
I'm saying shrimps.
I say it all.
I say when I go to eat,
"Gat any shrimps here?"
And they go,
"Yeah, we have shrimp."
And I go,
"Can I get five shrimps?"
Coz I'm white trash and they go,
"Yeah, you can get five shrimp."
But I go, "Isn't there a
way I can get 10 shrimps,
"on a shrimps cocktail?
"Can you jam 'em all in a little circle?"
I think I do that on purpose though.
Irritate.
No.
All right, we're gonna go right at it.
A scientist is asked for,
breast milk to study the
Coronavirus treatment.
He added, yeah the Coronavirus,
that's what it's for, that's the ticket.
The scientist was Jon Lovitz.
Jon's gotten two in a row.
A pizzeria is practicing social distancing
by using robots to deliver food
in a move that could
save both the fast food
and the porn industry.
Coz you know,
there's always a porn.
There's always pizzas being delivered.
Doesn't really help the joke.
Oh yeah, Lindsay asked
me about that yesterday
about the robots on the street.
And I think it was a pizza delivery.
You could check out that Lindsay
Lohan interview yesterday.
Arnie Schwarzenegger
sent a thousand lunches
to medical workers yesterday.
Most of them were chicken salad,
but as Arnold puts it, not the tuna.
Not a tumor, we're going back to
Kindergarten Cop for some of my jokes.
It's not a great sign.
Miley Cyrus put makeup
on her boyfriend Cody Simpson.
She says it was easier to do
it than leave him for a woman.
Oh.
Not the tuna.
This weekend Al Rocker's
daughter got engaged.
Al was so excited he said,
"Not only am I excited,
"but here are all the other
people getting engaged
"in your neck of the woods."
It's a cute one Heather.
(Heather giggles)
Heather doesn't laugh at,
really anything today.
US and African officials blasted China
for racial mistreatment of
black people in Guangzhou,
while the US bragged about how well
our own Black China is
treated by the Kardashians.
But not really actually, not that great.
People in Australia
have started a new trend
by dressing up nicely
for their weekly outing
of taking out the trash.
When I take out the garbage
I always go business casual.
Jockstrap and a sailor hat.
(cymbal clangs)
(comic sound effect)
I can't do it, mom's listening.
(Heather giggles)
That was really tempting to...
A French doctor suggested
smoking may protect you from Corona,
but it doesn't hold a ton of weight
because he also said smoking
was the cure for a torn ACL.
This guy.
Why are we doing studies with this guy,
he doesn't know fucking jack shit.
An elaborate underground doomsday bunker
is on sale in Vegas for 18 million.
I'm not even gonna finish that joke.
I just want to say,
do you really wanna live?
And in Vegas when there's
a fucking nuclear war?
Doomsday bunker, everything's trash.
You have to eat dinning
more beef stew out of a can
everyday, all day for two solid years
before you can even check
coz of nuclear winter.
And then you're like,
ah,
and then what are you doing?
No one's alive.
I've seen The Walking Dead.
It's not exactly MTV
spring break out there.
So, you walk around and
get shot with a crossbow.
Fuck it.
India punish people
for breaking quarantine
by making them right.
I'm sorry 500 times.
Unfortunately, it only took that one dude
with eight arms about
four minutes to do it.
Is that something like
sacred I shouldn't joke?
Dr. Anthony Fauci says he wants Brad Pitt
to play him on SNL.
I personally wanna find a
vaccine for the Coronavirus,
but we all have our
different dreams and wishes.
I guess that's what
you're asking the genie
when it comes out of the bottle.
I'll be asking for world peace.
I'm sorry.
Do I look like an Otter Pop?
(Heather laughing)
No, I look like a Bomb Pop.
It's pink at the bottom.
(bummer sound effect)
That's Heather's ringtone for me.
Because every time I
call her it's a bummer.
Heather,
I tricked you it's COVID calling,
19.
(Heather laughing)
COVID 16 gets absolutely no press.
(upbeat music)
