FOR MORE, LET'S GO TO ANDERSON
COOPER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
>> THANKS!
GOOD TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
>> I WAS AFRAID YOU WERE GOING
TO GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE BRO HUGS
YOU GAVE YOUR BAND LEADER.
I DON'T DO WELL WITH THE BRO
HUG.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> I FEEL THEY'RE AWKWARD.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S AWKWARD
ABOUT A BRO HUG?
YOU TOUCH SHOULDERS WITH
SOMEBODY.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> ON WHAT PLANET IS THAT AT ALL
SATISFYING?
>> Stephen: WE'LL DO IT RIGHT
NOW.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU DO THIS, AND THEN YOU GO
LIKE THIS.
YOU DON'T SLAM.
WE'RE NOT FIGHTING.
>> THAT'S WHAT IT SEEMS --
>> IT CAN BE TENDER.
IT'S REALLY GOOD TO SEE YOU.
IT'S REALLY GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YOU SEE?
WE'RE ALWAYS SAYING, "HAVE A
GOOD SHOW."
YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW.
I'M NOT AFRAID TO HUG A MAN
FULLY.
>> YOU'RE PREACHING TO THE
CHOIR, BELIEVE ME.
>> Stephen: I'M GOOD WITH IT.
I'M VERY SECURE WITH MY MAN HUG.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: COME ON HERE AND
ATTACK ME ON MY SHOW.
HOW DARE YOU!
HOW DARE YOU, ANDERSON COOPER!
YOU KNOW I'M A FAN.
YOU HURT ME.
>> WE'RE DRESSED ALMOST
IDENTICALLY --
>> YOU HAVE PINSTRIPES.
>> I'M THE ELVIN VERSION OF YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE ELVIN
VERSION OF ME.
NOW YOU HAVE REALLY HURT MY
FEELINGS.
>> I'M LIKE THE PALE, WHITE,
ELF.
>> Stephen: WHAT AM I, A
HOBBIT.
YOU SEEM IMMORTAL.
YOU HAVE SLIGHTLY POINTED EARS,
AND YOU ALSO KEEP YOUR OPINIONS
TO YOURSELF, VERY OFTEN.
>> LIKE AN ELF.
>> Stephen: LIKE AN ELF.
THEY DO NOT ASK AN ELF FOR
ADVICE, BECAUSE SHE SHALL SAY
BOTH YES AND NO.
THAT'S YOU.
HOW DO YOU POSSIBLY-- I WATCH
YOUR SHOW--
>> I LIKE THAT YOU THROW OFF
ELFISH LORE.
DID YOU EVER PLAY "DUDGEONS AND
DRAGONS?"
>> Stephen: YOU PLAYED "D.D."
I MET GARY GIDEX.
WE'RE GOING TO ALIENATE 99.9% OF
THE PEOPLE OUT THERE RIGHT NOW.
>> BUT THE SHUT INFORM INS AT
HOME ARE REALLY EXCITED.
>> Stephen: THE NECK BEARDS
ARE GOING, "WHAT?"
I PLAYED "D.D." WHEN IT FIRST
CAME OUT YOU HAD ONE CHARACTER?
>> FOR A LONG TIME.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR
FAVORITE CHARACTER?
>> ACTUALLY, I HAVE AN ELVIN
CHARACTER.
>> Stephen: ELVIN OR
HALF-ELVIN.
ELVIN FEIF.
THAT'S GOOD.
BECAUSE ELVES HAVE EXTRA
DEXTERITY.
YOU NEED THAT.
>> I'M TRYING TO RESIST PUSHING
UP MY GLASSES WHILE TALKING
ABOUT THIS GLI HAD A MAGIC USER
WHO WAS A VARIANT MAGIC USER
CALLED A WITCH, AND IT WAS A
WOMAN.
I HAD A FEMALE CHARACTER-- DON'T
YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING A BRO.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
LET'S GET BACK TO YOUR ELFISH
NATURE, OKAY, BECAUSE YOU MANAGE
TO STAND THERE, JUST ABOUT EVERY
NIGHT WITH THIS PANEL OF YOURS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHICH GOES, LIKE,
CRAZY, REASONABLE, CRAZY,
REASONABLE, CRAZY, REASONABLE.
AND YOU DON'T LET ON TO US, THE
VIEWERSES WHICH ONES YOU THINK
ARE ABSOLUTELY INSANE AND WHICH
ONES ARE REASONABLE.
BUT ADMIT NOW, JUST ADMIT NOW,
YOU THINK HALF OF THEM ARE
( BLEEP ) CRAZY.
>> NOT AT ALL.
I RESPECT ALL THEIR OPINIONS.
>> Stephen: NO, YOU DON'T.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU DO NOT RESPECT ALL THEIR
OPINIONS.
YOU RESPECT THAT THEY HAVE AN
OPINION.
>> YES.
I LIKE-- I LIKE A PERSON WHOSE,
YOU KNOW, WILLING TO HAVE AN
ACTUAL CONVERSATION.
IT DOES DRIVE ME BANANAS WHEN
IT'S JUST SOMEBODY GIVING
TALKING POINTS, LIKE A CANDIDATE
SURROGATE WHO JUST STICKS TO
TALKING POINTS YOU.
>> Stephen: KNOW CALEY
McAMERICANY?
YES.
>> Stephen: SHE EARNS HER
MONEY.
YOU CANNOT TALK HER OFF A
TALKING POINT WITH A BATTERING
RAM.
>> SHE'S VERY SMART.
SHE JUST GRADUATED FROM HARVARD
LAW SCHOOL.
>> Stephen: AM I SUPPOSED TO
BE IMPRESSED BY THAT?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: SHE'S VERY
IMPRESSIVE.
>> AND THE WHOLE GROUP IS
GANGING UP ON HER AND SHE
DEFENDS DONALD TRUMP VERY WELL.
>> Stephen: VERY IMPRESSIVE.
WHY DO YOU LOOK SO RESTED
BECAUSE YOU WORK HARDER THAN
ANYBODY I KNOW.
I MEAN, YOU--
>> NEWS NEVER TAKES A BREAK.
>> Stephen: YEAH, NEWS NEVER
TAKES A BREAK.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: COULD THIS HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT?
>> YES, I BUILT A HOUSE-- YOU
KNOW, I BUILT A HOUSE IN BRAZIL,
IN A SMALL LITTLE FISHING
VILLAGE, SO WHEN I GO SOMEWHERE
FOR VACATION, WHICH I RARELY DO,
SO I ACTUALLY JUST GOT BACK FROM
BRAZIL.
I WAS THERE FOR A WEEK WITH MY
NIECE AND 97 GLIEWZ DID YOU GO
TO THE OLYMPICS?
>> I DID NOT.
MY TOWN WAS WAY UP IN THE NORTH
SO IT WAS TOO COMPLICATED.
THE NIECES AND 97 SUES ARE FOUR
YEARS OLD TO 13 AND THEY ALL
WANTED TO WATCH THE OLYMPICS.
I DON'T HAVE A TV IN MY HOUSE --
>> YOU DON'T HAVE A TV?
>> IN BRAZIL, YOU DON'T WANT TO
BE SITTING WATCHING TV IN YOUR
HOME.
>> Stephen: YES, YOU DO.
S>> SO I GOT THIS TV INSTALLED
FOR THE KIDS TO WATCH THE
OLYMPICS, WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW,
WHATEVER TV I GOT, WHATEVER THE
CABLE NETWORK OR THE SATELLITE
NETWORK IT WAS, YOU WOULD TURN
IT ON AND ON LIKE CHANNEL 220,
222, 223 WERE OLYMPIC CHANNELS.
THE CHANNELS YOU TURNED IT ON
WERE RELIGIOUS CHANNELS,
EVANGELICALS AND PREACHERS, AND
FIVE CHANNELS DOWN FROM THE
RELIGIOUS CHANNELS WERE FOUR
HARD-CORE PORN CHANNELS.
AND LITERALLY THE KIDS WERE
TURNING AROUND, AND I WOULD BE
SITTING THERE INCREDIBLY
NERVOUSLY, YOU KNOW.
AND IT WAS SO CREEPY BECAUSE
FIRST OF ALL, THEY WOULD TURN TO
A CHANNEL AND THE DIVIDE WOULD
POP UP FIRST BEFORE THE ACTUAL
VISUAL POPPED UP.
AND IT WOULD BE AND NOW A
VENTURA.
>> I DO NOT SPEAK SPANISH.
>> OR PORTUGUESE.
OBARE, IGATO ORGASMO.
>> Stephen: UNCLE ANDERSON,
WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
>> I WOULD SEE THAT AND KNOW I
HAD, LIKE, FIVE SECONDS TO GET
UP AND TURN OFF --
>> BUT YOU DO MAKE IT IN TIME TO
SAY, "KIDS, THAT'S CALLED
GRECO-ROMAN WRESTLING."
>> THE OTHER THING THAT IS
INFURIATING, I MISSED EVERY
MAJOR IMPORTANT EVENT.
LIKE MICHAEL PHELPS WAS ABOUT TO
GO ON, AND THEY SHOWED THE
BRAZILIAN SWIMMER AND AS SOON AS
HE WAS ELIMINATED, MICHAEL
PHELPS WOULD BE WALKING OUT AND
THEY WOULD CUT AWAY TO A
BRAZILIAN PING-PONG MATCH WITH
MONGOLIA.
I WATCHED EVERY BRAZILIAN EVENT
AND THEY DID WELL IN SOME
EVENTS, JUDO, FLOOR GYMNASTICS
AND OBVIOUSLY SO.
I MISSED EVERY IMPORTANT EVENT.
>> Stephen: WE DID VERY WELL.
>> I WATCHED IT ON THE REPLAYS.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
LITTLE BREAK.
YOU CAN STICK AROUND?
WE'LL TALK MORE ABOUT
PORNOGRAPHY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
ANDERSON COOPER.
