Hello.
This is my last video from where I'm at, here
in Maine, because next week I start heading
south again.
It's gorgeous here.
I'm sure you can see what a beautiful day
it is.
Today, I came out in the bright sunshine to
talk about a dark topic: suicide.
I am a survivor of multiple suicide attempts.
And, before you worry, I'm fine right now,
but I wanted to share that because I read
an article this week by M. Kelter, of Invisible
Strings, and I will have the link to that
down below.
And, in that article, he mentions that two-thirds
of Autistic adults were suicidal.
I'm just pausing for that to sink in.
Two-thirds.
And today I want to talk to that two-thirds.
The thrust of the article was that you should
be very careful what language you use when
talking about autism because we're listening,
we're reading.
I want to be vulnerable today because a lot
of people have told me, they read my writing
and they feel, they view me as so strong and
powerful and proud.
Yes, I am all of those things, but I'm also
very vulnerable and weak and I struggle with
depression and anxiety.
I want you to know you're not alone.
You're not alone.
It's really, really hard to be an Autistic
person in this world.
It's hard to be anyone in this world today,
but there are days when I am convinced that
the world hates me and everyone like me and
it doesn't take much convincing when there
are people out there talking about stamping
out autism and early detection.
So, you know, what does 'early detection'
mean?
It means, "let's detect Autistic people before
they're even born.
Let's make a world without..."
I've actually seen organizations in their
mission statement say that they're fighting for
a world without autism and that's horrific
to me because a world without autism is a
world without me.
There's another article that I'm also gonna
post down there in the comment.. in the ... in
the box below this video.
You're not alone.
It can get better.
It does get better.
Don't leave us.
We need you.
We need you.
How can we have a full understanding of autism
without your voice?
We need you.
Don't leave us.
So, number one: you don't over-commit.
Now, that's a huge thing.
You say, "no."
That's hard.
You make boundaries.
You fight guilt and pressure and internalized
shame.
It's okay to have boundaries.
It's good to have boundaries.
Don't feel guilty for saying no.
People will try to tell you you should be
doing more than you're doing.
"You're not living up to your potential.
You're not doing enough."
You'll tell yourself that.
You'll think, "I only got one thing done--
I got nothing done today!
Nothing done today!
I'm worthless."
Believe me, I have those days.
I have a lot of those days.
The thing is, you've got to remind yourself
that you're working with a different processor.
You're working with a different neurology.
Number two: Don't be afraid to ask for help.
This is easier said than done.
I have a really hard time-- if I ask for help,
you know I'm really in dire straits because
I just don't do that.
I learned over the years that it was pointless,
I wasn't going to get help anyway, I was just
going to get blamed for my problems, I was
going to get told to try harder.
So, I just gave up.
Don't give up.
Learn how to ask for help.
Find someone you trust and ask them to help
you learn how to ask for help.
You don't have to do it alone.
Whatever "it" is.
Life.
You don't have to do life alone.
You're not alone.
We're here.
Ask for help.
Number three: find happiness within.
Don't go chasing happiness thinking it's just
around the corner, just over that hill, in
that person, in that job.
Find it inside yourself.
And a really great tip the article gave was
to make a happiness list.
I think it's a marvelous idea.
I've done it myself.
When you're feeling good, write down everything
that makes you happy.
It doesn't matter whether it's something big,
like travel, or something small, like smelling
a puppy's tummy.
Which makes me really happy 'cause they're
so fuzzy and they just smell so puppy.
You know?
I mean, if it's running your fingers through
the water coming out of the faucet, put that
on your list.
That makes you happy.
Put everything on your list that makes you
happy.
Star Trek is on my list, let me tell you!
A few episodes and I might not be happy yet
but I've pulled out of the funk I was in.
Because Star Trek really makes me happy.
A lot.
Music.
A really great thing to do is make a playlist
that starts with music that matches the mood
you're in and goes through shades of mood
and ends with music that makes you feel really
happy, like, I know it's cheesy, but R.E.M.'s
"Shiny Happy People" you know?
It's just the right beat, I'll get up and
dance, but I can't go straight into it.
I have to work my way there.
If I'm not feeling it, that song just pisses
me off!
Don't compare yourself to others.
This is number four: don't compare yourself
to others.
And, yeah...because especially don't compare
yourself to people who aren't Autistic because
they're not Autistic!
They're not, I mean, they're like you, because
we're all human beings, but they're not like
you.
Don't even compare yourself to other Autistic
people.
You know, if I sit around and compare myself
to John Elder Robison and Temple Grandin and
these successful ...Liane Holliday-Wiley,
I mean, reallly I don't mean to insult these
people; I'm actually praising them.
These are really successful people.
Lynne Soraya.
Really succesful people who are Autistic and
if I'm feeling bad and I start comparing myself
to them, I'm gonna feel like crap, because
Lynne Soraya writes in Psychology Today.
And John Elder Robison has his own business.
And Temple Grandin, she gets to hug cows every
day for a living. I mean, come on!
What a life!
You know?
And I need to only compare myself to myself.
Like, right now?
I'm sitting on this amazing grass hill with
these trees behind me, in Maine.
I'm in Maine!
Maine is glorious!
And it's sunny today. It's gorgeous.
And I'm so grateful to be here.
You know, when I compare my life to my life,
it's pretty great.
Make another list: an achievement list.
I know you have achievements.
I don't care who you are: you have amazing
achievements.
Look back at yourself five years ago.
ten years ago.
Look back at what you were like when you were
four, five.
And think about yourself now.
You have amazing achievements.
You do, I promise you do.
And don't give up on your amazing achievement
list until you've put amazing achievements
on there.
When I'm sitting there with my car broken
and no money, and I'm trying to work up the
gumption to ask someone for help or do some
other kind of problem solving, it helps to
look at my amazing achievement list.
Don't compare yourself to others.
Make your own list of amazing achievements.
Number five: don't second-guess your decisions.
You have an inner wisdom.
You have an inner truth.
You can make the right decisions.
You might need to ask for help.
You might need a mentor.
Trust that you can make decisions.
Don't let people convince you that you aren't
competent to make your own decisions and your
own choices in life.
You may need support achieving what you've
decided to achieve, but don't second-guess
yourself.
You have wisdom.
Trust yourself.
Don't let other people tell you who you are.
That's your choice, who you are.
Don't let other people tell you what you can
and can't do.
You know what you can and can't do.
You know what you can do.
You know what will crush you and what will
uplift you.
Don't let other people tell you who you are
or what you can do and what you can't do.
Number six: don't feel guilty about taking
"me time."
I mean, seriously, everybody needs time for
themselves, especially Autistic people.
My goodness, we need time to recharge our
batteries.
Even really outgoing, really people-oriented
Autistic people need time to recharge our
batteries.
You have to put your own oxygen mask on first.
You have to take care of your own needs first.
You have to.
Don't feel guilty or shamed or let other people
pressure you not to take the time you need
to rest, to restore yourself, to get your
wits back about you, to recollect your "spoons."
And your energy.
You need that.
Don't let people take away your "me time."
If you have kids, it's really hard to get
"me time," but carve some out.
Find somebody who will watch your kids -- somebody
you can trust to watch your kids while you have
some time away.
Everybody needs "me time."
You need to have time for yourself, time to
do your own thing.
Time to do nothing.
I take time to just stare at the wall, or
a tree, or the sky, or whatever.
I take time to do absolutely nothing and that's
very important and everybody needs that.
Everybody needs that.
Number seven: don't beat yourself up when
you make a mistake.
And now this one is really important because
a lot of times when I get really depressed
it's because I feel like I did something completely
stupid.
And sometimes it was completely stupid.
I'll be honest with you.
Sometimes I really screw up.
I just really screw up.
And then I beat myself up over it.
I dwell on it.
I can't let it go.
I chew on it.
I chew on it and chew on it.
And I need to: I'm processing it.
My brain needs...
I don't process things as fast as other people.
Sometimes things that people process in a
minute or less, it takes me days, or weeks,
or years.
So, don't let people tell you that you obsess
over things too much, because sometimes you
just need to chew on things, but don't let
you get yourself in a funk by beating yourself
up over something you did or said.
You can't take it back.
You can't un-do it.
But what you can do is frame how you chew
on it.
I have these things I say to myself.
Like when I'm really feeling bad and I'm saying,
"God, I'm so stupid!"
I start right there.
Because I've learned that I can't .... you know, those,
um... what do they call them?
Those statements of affirmation?
When I'm really feeling down, a statement
of affirmation, you know, "I'm good enough,
I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people
like me."
That's just bullshit!
Excuse my language, but when I am depressed,
when I'm suicidally depressed, I can't pull
myself out of it by talking about how great
I am because I don't believe it.
So I start with where I am.
I start with, "God!
That was stupid!
That was stupid!
Ugh!
I can't believe I was so stupid!"
And from that, I move into, "I was stupid.
Sometimes everybody's stupid.
But I'm still a good person."
And every time I feel those bad feelings come
up as I chew on what I did, I say, "yeah,
I'm stupid, but it's okay.
I'm still a good person.
I'm stupid, but I'm gonna get past this.
It's gonna be okay.
Everything's gonna be okay.
It's okay that I'm stupid.
Everybody does that sometimes."
And see, that's manageable.
That's a bite.
You know, I've bitten past that really deep
self-loathing and I've entered a lighter period
of self-loathing.
And from that, I move to, I move from "I'm
stupid," to "I said something really stupid,
but I'm not going to do that again.
Okay, maybe I will do it again.
Because I'm stupid!
Nope, I'm not stupid.
I'm not stupid; I made a mistake.
Everybody makes mistakes.
It's going to be okay.
I made a mistake."
So now I'm in this lighter level of self-loathing
where I'm almost out of self-loathing, now
I'm not stupid anymore; I made a mistake.
I made a mistake, it's going to be okay.
And it may take me hours to get to this point,
but it's about framing what you're chewing
on.
And taking bites that you can swallow.
Yeah, if I start out with, "oh, it's okay
because I'm a great person!"
I can't swallow that.
I need a bite.
And I need to chew through it.
And so, "I made a mistake, but I learned.
I can learn.
I learn from my mistakes.
I'm learning from my mistakes.
God, this sucks!
It sucks to learn from my mistakes.
I wish I didn't make mistakes.
Everybody makes mistakes.
It's going to be okay.
I'm a good person.
Good people make mistakes.
I'm learning from my mistake because I'm a
good person.
If I weren't a good person, this wouldn't
upset me so much.
I'm upset because I care.
I'm a caring person.
I care about whether I hurt other people.
I care about what other people think about
me.
I'm a good person, because I care about people
liking me, being good to people and having
people be good to me.
I'm human.
It's okay to be human.
Humans make mistakes.
Humans say things that are wrong.
People can forgive me.
I can forgive myself.
I forgive myself for being human.
It's good to be human.
It's real to be human.
Being human gives me compassion for other
people.
Having compassion for other people is how
I help others.
When I make mistakes I learn and I can help
other people.
I can understand other people.
I can forgive them, empathize with them."
And that's what I'm trying to do today.
You're human.
You make mistakes.
You're different.
People won't always understand you.
It's a cruel world.
People say and do harsh things.
It can be hard even just to keep yourself
fed.
It can be hard to find a space in life where
people aren't taking advantage of you.
It's hard.
I know.
I live it too.
I'm there with you.
You're not alone.
We can be human together.
It's a good thing.
I love you.
Love yourself.
If you enjoyed this ... I don't know why.
I'm cutting that.
If you enjoyed this video, click the subscribe
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I try to make videos every week.
I try to be here for you, open, vulnerable,
sharing my life, as I travel and make mistakes,
and be human.
Have a great day because you're a great person.
