♫ A Majestic, Mountainous Theme ♫
AARON: Okay! So, we're off to Volunruud to speak to Ahh--Almond Moltieeeree.
EMRE: *AMAUND MOTIERRE*. Sounds like a French guy.
You know, you could run with these horses...You don't have to just *walk* everywhere...
AARON [defensively]: I don't--Maybe I don't *WANNA* run! Maybe I like taking my time!
And, I *know* that I can run with them--OBVIOUSLY, I'm not STUPID!
You fuckin'...
EMRE: You didn't know that, you--
AARON: Shit burglar!
EMRE: You WALKED all the way to Hern's house, and you didn't run a SINGLE moment.
AARON: Yeah, well, I like taking my time and I knew how to run--
But, you know, my--FROST is a sensitive horse and needs to be, you know, treated nicely...
EMRE: Slap some Bengay on his legs and RUN.
AARON: My horse is running now, Emre. Are you *pleased*?
Emre, look! My horse is going *so faaast*...
Does this make you *hawt*, Emre?
WADDUP, VOLUNRUUD??
Wass happenin', mah buddies??
You know what's missing from this, uhhh, Volunruud entrance?
EMRE: What?
AARON: Uh, a gourd.
EMRE: MMMMNNYesss. A *guard gourd*.
AARON: Mhm!
AARON: HEEEELLLOOO, ANYBODY HOOOMEE?
HEEELLLOOO???
Excuse me! I'm looking for Amaund Motierre!
[GUTTURAL UNDEAD GROWLS]
Have you seen 'em?
You? Have you seen Amaund Motierre??
Yeah! I am a fuckin' PIMP when I am out fighting people! That's for sure!
When it comes to the ladies, I might be a wussbag--but, check this Draugr out!
I toasted the living *SHIT LIGHTS* outta 'em!
I bet you never toasted no shit lights, Emre.
AARON THE CHAD: HEY!  WASSUP, SCOUUURGE?
HEY!
Ohhh, yeah, dude! Yeah, that's good stuff!
Suck it.
OOOhMAHGawhhd--What the Hell is happening?
AARON [normal, no longer a Chad]: Oh, shit, maybe I should put my armor on, huh?
LYDIA THE CONDESCENDING: I ammm SWWooORRnn to CAAArrry yERR BUURDEnns...
AARON: Sometimes the sarcasm of Lydia is kinda comforting.
You know, when you're in a scary dungeon. There's nobody else around...
EMRE: And, she's crackin' wise.
AARON: And she says like, [meekly] 'I guess I'll carry your burdens for yaaa...'
[FART NOISE]
And then,  she like let's one fly and you have a good laugh.
In the middle of this, like, dungeon.
Dude, what are you doing down here?
AMAUND MOTIERRE: By the Almighty Divines, you've come!
AARON: SERIOUSLY, what the FUCK are you doing down here?
AMAUND: I dare say, the work I'm offering has more significance than anything your organization--
AARON [unimpressed]: Yeah, yeah. Everyone thinks they're a fuckin' big man when they're hanging out, down in a dungeon.
AMAUND: For I seek the assassination of........THE EMPEROR.
EMRE: He wants you to kill.........[as Palpatine] THE EMPERORRRR.
AARON [not paying attention, as usual]: What's in the uuuuuuuuuurn...
I just 'EARNED' 11 gold!
HA HA HA HAAAAaaaa...
Oh, God...
It's statements like that, that make me hate myself.
G T F OOOOOOOOOOO!
GTF...GTFoooo...?
EMRE: Yer stuck!
AARON [trying so hard]: GTF...Ooo...ooo...oh, noooo...
T-There we go!
EMRE: All the 'Burial Urns'. Like, alright. This is Fred's *burial urn*. Put his *favorite* possessions in here.
Well, Fred really liked...2 gold aaaand this his favorite potion of vigorous stamina.
AARON: Is Frost a he or a she? What do you think?
EMRE: I think it's a she. I mean, take a look.
YUPPP. That's a she.
AARON: Yeah, you're right. There's noo...big sack back there, soo...
♫
AARON: Alright! Back to business!
We are here at the Thieve's Guild.
Where there's, uhh, a lot of, uhhhhh...
F-Fun...Folks, and we're gonna go to 'The Ragged Flagon'.
RAGG'D FLAG'N. We're gonna go to the Ragg'd Flag'n.
EMRE: RRRrrraggun Flllaagun.
AARON: Astrid said I should give this thing to, ehh...Smucker's or whatever his name is?
EMRE [slowly, so that AARON can comprehend]: DELVIN. MALLORY.
AARON: That's right.
EMRE: He's got the coolest voice in all of Skyrim. Check this out.
DELVIN MALLORY [with the depth and ruggedness of a Peaky Blinder]: Sumthin' ye need?
An'thin fer de Geuild.
AARON [giving his best Cockney]: Yeh an'thin fer deh GeUild. Eyh need ta give sum'tin.
EMRE: He sounds like Alfred from Batman.
AARON: Hehhh. Yes, he does.
EMRE: Dude. What the HELL is he eating?
Look at that. Like a big, piece of...*wood*.
AARON, GRUDGE HOLDER: He's eating, ummm, an insult that I was called last episode.
It's either a HAM-SHANK...or a Beef Roast.
EMRE: A ham-PLANK.
AARON: Stop talking about Astrid. I don't appreciate...anything you're saying.
W-What was he eating?
A HORKER LOAF!
EMRE: A HORKER LOAF--Never would have guessed that.
AARON: He's gonna HORK that whole loaf.
Lydia...
I think I should just leave Lydia here in this graveyard...
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON: What do ya think?
EMRE: Nobody would--She'd blend right in! They'd just think she's some--
AARON: Yeah!
EMRE: Like some hideous gargoyle who guards the, uh, graveyard.
♫
AARON: If Astrid isn't *nice* to me, I think it's about time she gets the dagger...
EMRE: *The dagger*?
AARON: YEAH.
EMRE: The dagger to the butt?
AARON: RIGHT.
And, I don't mean in a *good way*.
I'll give her the dagger to the butt in a *good way*, if  she's nice to me.
ASTRID: Elder Council??
AARON [growing bored]: Business. Business. Business.
EMRE: Blah, blah, blah, blah...
AARON: Look at her mouth! It's just like, 'BUUUSSINESSS, BUSINESSSS...'
ASTRID, BUSINESS WOMAN: ...Motierre, you naaaughty, nauuughty boy....
AARON: WHAT!
Hahoohh, yeaaah....
Y-Yeah, yeah! Say NAUGHTY again!
[ASTRID continues to be unaware of her own sexiness]
AARON: What?
ASTRID [going on and on about business, sexy business]: .....DEELICIOUUSSS--
AARON: Yeah! Delicious!
OhMahGod. I'm just treasuring this...every word that she's saying right now...
EMRE: If only she was talking about *you*.
ASTRID: I hope you have something *nice* to wear?
Because you're going to a wedding.
AARON: HOLY SHIT! A WEDDING?! What are you *SUGGESTING*, Astrid?
ASTRID: Weeell, more like the public reception...
AARON [let down, again]: Ughh...
God. She just loves toying with me.
ASTRID: You've got to kill the bride. *At her wedding*.
AARON: ...Killing someone at their own wedding?
Astrid, can you come to the wedding with me?
You could be my guest? It says...uhh, assassin + one?
Oh, God! Astrid! Oh, shit! Astrid's got a bald spot! OhMahGAAAAhhhd...
[AARON and EMRE express their utmost disgust at female pattern baldness]
AARON: Oh, my GAHD, Astrid....
EMRE: Finally able to get *inside* of her head...
AARON [cracking under the weight of EMRE's joke]: Yeaahaha, but I don't like it--OOOOHMYGODdddd!
EMRE: According to that person on our post, you should be able to steal her clothes.
If youuu...get behind her, and she can't see you.
AARON: Oh. She can't see me, right?
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON: Imma steal Astrid's cloooooooooooooooothes....
EMRE: AH! WHAT?!
AARON: I have a hundred pickpocket. What's going on here? She can't see me. She doesn't know I'm there...
That is just...*sick*.
EMRE: We've been *LIED* to!
AARON: WASSUP??
ARNBJORN: Whatdya want, Beef Roast?
AARON: Oh, a BEEF ROAST, huh? Hello...fffuck...stilts!
Hey there! Douchebag-Butthole-Buttcrack-Fucknut!
YEAAAH. How do you like *my* name for you??
What's up? Niiiiipples...s....Stamp?
ARNBJORN [entirely unaffected]:...nickname's Morsel. I'm a *WEREWOLF*.
Hard not to think of you as a *SNACK*.
AARON: Yeah, well, I'm a *WEREWOLF* too. ArnBEjOrn.
Check this shit out.
BEAAAST FOOORRRM!
I should turn into the beast and just rip his f-fuckin' hair all out...
AARON [still triggered by bullying]: Heyyyy there, muhh...f-fuck buckles?
EMRE [as impressed as Arnbjorn]: Fuck Buckles probably hit home pretty hard.
AARON: YEAH. And so did Douchebag-Butthole-Buttcrack-Fucknut.
I think that's a good one for him. I'm gonna call him that from now on.
AARON [quick to fuck up]: See ya later, Douchebag-Butthole-B-Buttfuc--mnFFfuck-Nut.
I'm getting outta here. I hate it here.
I hate this place! Astrid! If you and I ever, ever get hitched--
We're getting the FUCK outta here, because I fuckin' hate it here.
ASTRID: Shouldn't you be OUT ruining--
AARON: I'M LEAVING. RIGHT NOW. YOU SHUDDUP!
♫
AARON: Right now, our plan is to put out a Skyrim video every Tuesday. So, uh, keep your eyes peeled on Tuesdays.
Unless we run into technical glitches, which has happened on occasion...
Emre's had to convert shit for like three days in order to get it to work.
So, we really--We put in literally days on each of these videos. And, I'm not being sarcastic.
No, I'm not. I'm being, I'm serious. We put a lot of time into this shit.
And, we enjoy it. So that's why we do it.
And, we hope that you enjoy it too!
EMRE: YEAH! Share it with your friends. Post it on your favorite internet...sites.
AARON: YES, PLEASE DO! Spread the word! And the more folks that watch it, the more episodes we'll be able to make--and the quicker!
AARON: HEY, UH! I just wanted to say, UHHH, congratulations on your wedding! And, uhh, ya know, I'm happy to be a guest here...
Ummm, I hope you're not off-put by the fact that I look like a Demon Lord from the Seventh Level of Hell.
Um. This is just, uhh. You know. This is my normal gear. So...
That cool?
And, I also have *THESE*. But, I'm not gonna do anything with 'em.
Is that cool? I like to carry them around. They look cool. That's all.
They're just for SHOW!
I think we should see how many different ways we can kill her...
AAAnd, *NOT* get away with it.
Until we find one that surprises us.
[EMRE laughs, but is intrigued]
EMRE: *Surprises us*...?
AARON: HEY, EVERYBODY! HAVIN' A GOOD TIME??
EMRE: They look pretty bored, actually.
AARON: Yeah. They do look pretty bored...
I'mma livin' things up a little bit.
[CRIES OF TERROR FROM THE INNOCENT]
EMRE: Look down! Quick!
OOOh, you totally got her.
AARON: Ehhh, seems like everyone's kinda pissed...
HAI, HAHAHA! BYE!
Just relax.
[A quick shout of the Ice Form, IIZ SLEN!]
There ya go! Ohhh, look it! A buncha ice sculptures are chasin' me.
EMRE: So, you fucked this up...
AARON: Yeaaah, I'm gonna have to do it over.
[BLOOPER BLIP]
AARON: Alright, well, here. Let's try a different method. Shall we?
EMRE [humoring him]: Okay.
AARON:...Since we gotta redo it anyway.
RANDOM GUEST: Be careful!
[SADISTIC CACKLING]
AARON: That was funny...
Alright, I did it. Let's go.
EMRE: Dude, I think--I think they saw you.
AARON: Oh, SHIT. Okay. Well. Let's try it again.
HM. What happened to your wedding dress?
OH!
THERE IT IS! How did THAT happen?!
VITTORIA VICI: My husband, Asgeir, and I thank you for coming to our reception.
AARON: AWWWW, that's really nice.
VITTORIA: These days, it's--
[SHOCKED CRIES FROM THE AUDIENCE]
[EMRE laughs like Jim Carrey's The Grinch]
AARON: OOhhh. Just lay off, you guys! GAAhhd. What is your problem?
EMRE: Alright, we gotta do one more take where you do the werewolf...because you've gotten a bounty *every. time.*
And, you can't POSSIBLY be this BAD at the GAME, AARON! You need to be better--
AARON: Shuddup! Don't you insult my game-playing skills!
*I'M* doing this for entertainment! If I was playing *for real*, I wouldn't be talking and I would do, I'd be so good--
Y-You...You'd blow a LOAD all over yourself.
EMRE [doubtful]: Well. I wanna blow a load all over myself. So, PLEASE, show me.
AARON: I don't want that to happen--SO, I'm definitely not gonna *provoke it*.
HEY, UHhhh, guys--UHMM, as the...uhhh, coolest wedding guest here...
I just wanted to congratulate you on your marriage aaand I also wanted to...
[THE MONSTROUS GRUNTS N GROWLS OF A BEAST UNLEASHED!]
Don't be alarmed. This is, um, my wedding gift to you. I'm just gonna--
[AARON and EMRE love to claw a half-naked woman to death]
AARON: WOOOOW! WELL! I think that was the most successful way to do this!
I'm fuckin' outta here!
Oh, my God. That was awesome.
EMRE: Still got the bounty...didn't you realize that?
AARON: WHY?
EMRE [growing impatient]: Because they SAW you TRANSFORM.
They know it was YOU.
AARON [slowly putting it together now]: OOOhh...
[WHITE WEDDING MASSACRE, TAKE 3]
EMRE: So, the trick here is...to turn into a werewolf--
AARON: Where no one can see me.
EMRE: Where no one can see you. Yes.
AARON: There's a dead alley back here that's just the place.
It's just the *thing*.
EMRE: EWwww, hair grows outta your buttcrack...
AARON: Oh, that's weird...
AARON: Nobody noticed that one.
EMRE: Where'd they go?!
AARON: Thereee she is!
[MORE SOUNDS OF DEATH AND DYING]
[THE BOYS cackle with sadistic glee]
AARON: I went above and beyond the call of duty there, I think.
I *feed* on the bride.
Okay. I gotta head out, everybody! It was nice, uh, seein' ya but--
EMRE [genuinely surprised at AARON's last minute competence]: Well, that worked!
AARON: That was the best--THE BEST way to assassinate the bride. I assassinated the bride like a fuckin' PIMP.
...Wolf.
AARON [singing to the tune of 'Here Comes the Bride']: ♪ I aaaate the BRIIIDee, AAALLL dressed in whIIItee--♪
Actually, *I* was all dressed in white.
♪ DOO doo daDOO DOooo IIiii ate the BRIIIddeee ♪
EMRE: WELL. I'd say everything went better than expected.
AARON: That was wonderful.
AARON [feigning shock]: OHMYGOD, WHAT HAPPENED???
OOOh, this is AWFUL! Look at this!
And, *you people* are just SITTING HERE?!
You don't even care!
Man, they should at least memorialize her a little bit. Tell ya what! IIIII'm gonna do it *for* them...
I'm just gonna leave a *flower*.
THERE.
That's nice, ya know? A little flower. You people should have some flowers around her or something!
That's *embarrassing*.
Your wife's dead!
ASGEIR SNOW-SHOD: Mah wife iz dead. DEAD!
[AARON cannot contain himself]
AARON: But, you're just gonna hang out here, right?
That's cool. Alright.
We gotta find somewhere for *you*...
[THE MYSTERIOUS ENTITY KNOWN AS ADAM FINDS GREAT JOY IN THE ABUSE OF A CORPSE]
[AARON continues to try and sing 'Here Comes the Bride' but crumbles under his own laughter]
AARON: DOOoooodoo DAAdooooo! DOOOOdooo DAAAAdodoooooo!
AARON: HEY, LOOK! She's FIIIINE!
We're just gonna sit her--
ASGEIR: Mah wife iz--
AARON: Dooown...
ASGEIR: Dead! DEAD!!
AARON: No, she's fine. She's fine. Here.
Okay.
There you go.
AARON: This is the best thing, I've ever done in a game. Ever.
[ASGEIR keeps blabbing on about his dead ass wife]
AARON: SHE IS! Like, why is she sitting next to you still??
You are a *fucked up* man!
ASGEIR: Mah wife iz dead. DEAD!
AARON and EMRE [chanting in unison with ASGEIR]: MAH WIFE IZ DEAD. DEAD!!
[AARON and EMRE beat-box to ASGEIR's pain] ♪ MAH WIFE IZ DEADDD, DEAD! ♪
AARON: It's the Asgeir Snow-Shod remix!
Here's your wife...
She wants you, still. She really loves you, still.
Isn't it--OHMYGODDD. Oh, my GOD! You are a *DISGUSTING* man! What are you *DOING* with your wife's...corpse?!
Solitude is the most fucked up place I've ever been to.
I'm gettin' outta here!
This place is fucked up, man!
Woowww. Did ya see that?
KAYD: What's goin' on??
[AARON and EMRE laugh in the face of childhood innocence]
♫
♫ SUPER DRAMATIC VIOLINS AND DRUMS ♫
[GTA Random Citizen: Yeeeeaaah! BOI, BOI! HaHa! DOPE!]
