So this is my story.
I didn't grow up Christian, I kind of grew
up knowing about God
but never actually knowing Him.
I grew up knowing, “Okay, if I do bad things,
God's mad at me, if I do good things, He's
not mad.
So just keep Him happy, don't do bad things,
and you'll be fine.”
And also I feel like a lot of the circumstances
in my life made me believe that I wasn't good
enough, or that I needed to be something else
or live up to something in order to be received
and loved.
I didn't really just feel like I could be
myself, I didn't really feel like I was good
enough or any of that.
So my entire childhood I was trying to be
somebody else.
I was trying to be the 4.0 student, I was
trying to be good at all the school activities
and sports and try and be all of these things
to be loved, and I just never found it.
I just never found that longing in my heart
to be loved to be accepted just as I was.
I remember in high school, I ended up falling
in love with this guy because he gave me that
love that I had been longing for my entire
life.
And so when I finally received that love,
it was like I gave my whole heart and everything
to this man, and he wasn't even a good guy!
Like he was not a good guy, but he just gave
me that love I have been longing for.
So I ended up moving to California, he ended
up being really abusive, so being abused every
way for years and every time it kind of just
reaffirmed that lie that I'd been living under
my whole life that “you're just not good
enough”, “it's your fault”,
“you need to be something different”.
And then I also found out that he had been
cheating on me and I was devastated.
I basically vowed that “I'm never going
to love again” because I was so heartbroken
and instead “I'm going to become the most
beautiful, the most famous woman ever so that
nobody could ever hurt me again.”
So that became my drug and I ran after it wholeheartedly.
I developed a very intense eating disorder.
I was bulimic.
I was throwing up about 20 times a day.
I was alcoholic.
I was drinking myself to sleep every single
night.
I had self-hatred.
I had depression.
I hated my life, but as long as I was beautiful
and as long as I was successful, that to me
was all that mattered.
So I tried to get into the modeling industry
and there was like instant success.
In a moment it felt like I was on magazine
covers and posters, working at all these amazing
events, I was dating famous athletes, it looked
like the life of “glitz & glam” that everyone
wanted and it might look good on the outside,
but you have no idea the prison that I am
in every day.
I remember there was a moment in my modeling
career where, you know, it was still really
taking off. and I actually got approached
by Playboy Magazine.
It was when they were really big, they had
their own TV show at the time, it was really
popular.
It's a lot of money, it's a lot of exposure,
and it's like instant fame.
I remember just kind of thinking about it
that night and I was like, “wow, what if
someday I get married.
What if my husband doesn't like that I've
done this.
Like, wow this is real life!
Like my decisions today actually could affect
my tomorrow.
How did I even get here?
I was a 4.0 student now here I am about to
sign up for Playboy!
Like how did I get here?”
And so in the wrestling, I tried to remember
when was the last time I was happy.
And I actually remembered that it was when
I was a kid and I went to church, and when
I thought God still loved me.
And at this point I had sinned so much, like
I was just in a life of sin, and so I thought,
“Surely God is done with me”, but something
within me was saying that was the last time
that was the last time I was happy.
So I show up at this church and it just so
happens they were having a young adult retreat
that weekend and I just felt like I was supposed
to go.
So I went and on the second day of the retreat
they were having this thing called “God
time” where you get out a journal and you
get out a Bible and you would talk to God
and then you would hear what He had to say.
The thing that really struck me was I
opened up my Bible and I ended up turning
to this book called Hosea.
And so Hosea he is a prophet and God tells
him to go and marry this prostitute, so he
marries this prostitute and he loves her but
she keeps cheating on him over and over again.
And Hosea goes back to God and says, “God
my heart is breaking!
My wife is cheating on me!”
And the Lord says “Hosea, I want you to
go and keep loving your wife, because that's
how I love My People who keep running
away from me.
Though they don't love me back in this moment,
I keep loving them!”
And I remember it just struck me like “Lord,
I am that prostitute!
I have turned my back on you and I have just
gone after every other lover, everything to
bring me comfort, bring me satisfaction, bring
me happiness.
I'm looking in all of these other things and
I have forgotten you God!”
So I asked the Lord in that moment, “Lord
after all that I have done,
like, you could still love me?!”
And He's like, “Yes!
I'm still running after you, even after all
that you've done!”
And later that night, they actually asked
people to come up to the front if they wanted
prayer, and again, something within me told
me to go up there.
I go up there to get prayer and this lady
starts praying for me and she says, “Melissa,
everything you've ever been told in your life
is a lie!
You are beautiful, you are wanted, you are
precious to the Lord just the way that you
are!
You don't need to change for anybody!”
And that was the lie that I lived under my
entire life, was “you are not good enough!”
So when she said those words it was just like
an arrow that pierced my heart, and it was
like the Lord just saying, “All of those
times where you never felt good enough,
I always said that you were good enough.
I loved you just the way that you were, you
never needed to change, you never needed to
seek love from all those other people.
I loved you just the way that you were.
I created you that way and I love you!”
I remember when she said those words, I just
started sobbing.
It was as if years of pain was just getting
broken off of me and I just wept.
Literally in a moment, I could feel my eating
disorder getting broken off of me, self-hatred,
depression, alcoholism, in a moment I got
delivered of all of those things.
And I remember the next morning I woke up
and I truly was a new person.
I was not the same.
I woke up and for the first time in my life,
I felt Joy.
I felt Freedom.
I felt as if finally I had found me and I
had found my purpose, and my purpose was just
being His and knowing who I was in Him.
And I just decided that day, I'm just going
to leave everything.
I left the modeling industry.
I left social media.
I didn't look at magazines.
I wanted to throw all of that life away so
that I could find my entire identity in
“God, who do YOU say that I am?”
I joined this internship where they prayed
and they did community.
For the first, like year though, He just had to
strip me of everything that I held onto, and
it was like every step of the way the Lord
was like, “Melissa just keep trusting me
and finding your identity in Me.”
And so I would just cry but I would give it
to Him and trust him, and over time, I just
realized “Lord, You are better!
You are better than all of those other things.
You are better than what the world offers.
You are better than being the most beautiful,
most successful person in the world.
You are better! And when I give those things
up, I can experience YOU!"
And it's just so much greater!
I ended up moving to Kansas City where I became
a missionary.
That's my story, I went from model to missionary,
all because of the grace of God.
And I know who I am now, and some of you out
there, you don't know who you are yet.
The world has been trying to tell you who
you are, they've been lying to you saying
“you're not good enough”, “you're not
pretty enough”, “you have to be this”,
“you have to be that” in order to be loved
and it's a lie!
So for some of you, my story is your story
and the Lord has a different ending for you.
The Lord can write a beautiful story with
your life, but all you have to do is
give Him the pen.
