-Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show."
♪♪
Oh! My name is Jimmy Fallon.
♪♪
Give it up for The Roots!
♪♪
I gotcha!
Let's get to the news.
[ Cymbal crashes ]
-Now I'm gonna get it.
[ Laughter ]
-Let's get to
the news and jokes.
Well, guys, the
Democratic convention is over.
Yep, after four nights,
a message finally popped up
that said, "Your Zoom session
has expired."
But everyone
is still talking about
President Obama's big speech.
He did not hold back.
Watch this.
-Donald Trump hasn't grown
into the job because he can't.
I did hope,
for the sake of our country,
that Donald Trump
might show some interest
in taking the job seriously,
that he might come to feel
the weight of the office
and discover some reverence
for the democracy
that had been placed in his
care, but he never did.
He has shown no interest in
putting in the work,
no interest in treating
the presidency as anything
but one more reality show
that he can use
to get the attention he craves.
-Ouch! Obama might have
quit cigarettes,
but he's still smokin'.
Trump's phone heard that
and was like,
"Oh, boy, it's going to be
a long night.
Alright. Can someone throw me in
the toilet, something?"
Man, it's like Michelle
hit Trump with the
"it is what it is" clothesline,
and then Barack finished him off
with an elbow from the top rope.
That's right -- Obama broke an
unwritten rule about
former U.S. presidents
not attacking
a current U.S. president.
Obama was like, "Oh, come on.
I didn't say anything about
Vladimir Putin."
That's right -- Obama went
all out and said,
"Trump hasn't grown
because he can't."
Meanwhile, Trump heard that
and was like, "Wrong.
I took a pill that makes me
grow just fine."
Obama also accused Trump
of not taking the job seriously.
At that point, Trump was so mad,
he could barely sink his putt
into an empty Pringles can.
Then Obama accused Trump of
turning his presidency
into a reality show.
Trump was like, "Wrong again.
Now send five people
into my office
so I can decide to who fire."
Meanwhile, during
Obama's speech,
Trump started live-tweeting
in all-caps.
By the end of the night,
the imprint of Trump's phone
was burned into his hand
like the bad guy from
"Raiders of the Lost Ark."
It's like...
But, as I said, after four days,
the Democratic convention
wrapped up tonight.
They knew it was time to
end the convention
when the calamari
finally went bad.
The theme of the night was
"America's Promise,"
which I'm pretty sure was taken
from a supermarket brand
of butter and cheese.
[ Light laughter ]
"Do you want to get the --
Should we get the Kraft Singles
or do you want to get
America's Promise?"
Also, somehow, America's Promise
sounds like
an adult-diaper
brand started by Mike Pence.
"That's why I
use America's Promise.
Make the promise to --"
Here's the big story today.
Another one of President Trump's
close associates got indicted.
Let's see who it is!
-Former Trump campaign
senior adviser Steve Bannon
has been arrested
and charged with fraud
by federal prosecutors
in New York.
He and three others are accused
of orchestrating a scheme
to defraud donors out of
hundreds of thousands of dollars
that the donors thought were
all going to help fund
the president's border wall.
-Yep, Steve Bannon was arrested
and placed in the
Trump's "well-wishes" section
of the prison.
That's right -- another Trump
associate is going to prison.
At this point,
The White House softball team
and the prison softball
team have the exact same lineup.
I don't know.
Maybe these charges are nothing.
I mean, does Steve Bannon
look guilty to you?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
He definitely does.
Oh, just so you know,
by the way,
that's how he looked
before he got arrested.
He looks like someone
you'd find sleeping
in the bathroom stall
at Margaritaville.
He looks likes an unemployed
Martha Washington impersonator.
He looks like a guy who yells
at Little Leaguers
when he doesn't have
a kid on the team.
He looks like every composite
photo of what Elvis
would look like
if he were alive today.
Can we see the picture again?
He looks like every guy
who has ever tried
to sell me a Jacuzzi.
He looks like every guy at
the hotel hot tub
who sits way too close
to your wife.
He looks like every man
who has ever
walked into
a Ferrari dealership.
He looks like his home address
is the swim-up bar
at the mirage.
[ Laughter ]
That's the one. Come on.
-No.
-That's the one.
Well, guys,
here's some good news.
Out in Colorado, you can now buy
weed out of a vending machine.
Take a look at this.
And you think you freak out
when your Kit Kat
gets stuck in the machine.
"Oh, come on man!
I need that Purple Twilight!"
And, finally, a group of...
I don't know my
weed names at all.
-Eh, you're good.
-That sounds like one.
-I've never heard of
Purple Twilight.
-Oh, then you never heard of
anything, man!
[ Laughter ]
You got your Purple Twilight.
You got your O.G. Kush,
you know?
You got your, you know,
Spanxgiving."
Finally, a group of researchers
in Finland
said that they've discovered
a cure for hangovers.
Everyone was like, "Yeah,
there's already been
a hangover cure.
It's called more booze."
Actually, good news -- they just
tested it out on Steve Bannon,
and look at him now.
We have great show
for you tonight.
