[static buzz]
[buzz buzz buzz]
[buzzing]
♪ ♪
- Ladies and gentlemen,
 Nick Thune.
- ♪ He's a good guy ♪
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
- ♪ He's a good guy ♪
- ♪ Good guy ♪
 - ♪ Good guy ♪
- ♪ He's a good guy ♪
- ♪ Good guy ♪
 - ♪ Good guy ♪
- Thank you.
[cheers and applause continues]
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Portland, Oregon.
[scattered whooping]
Um...thank you.
When I...when I was kinda
setting up doing this,
they were like,
"Why don't we do it
up in Seattle
where you're from?"
And I was like,
"Well, where's a...
"where's a place just as close
where cousins that I don't
wanna see won't come?"
Portland, Oregon.
Crazy Keith
won't make it out tonight.
I love Keith.
Not at my shows.
I mean, I guess I just wanna
be honest about who I am.
I'm Nick.
I'm a 36-year-old white male...
just living the struggle,
you know?
'Cause it's tight as--
It's tough out there.
In Portland.
[laughs]
Well...
Thank you guys for being here.
That means so much,
and, um...
[sighs]
I wanna be a good guy,
and that should be
your first clue
that I'm a bad guy.
Good guys don't say that.
They're just that.
So the fact that I'm striving
for something that I'm not,
that, you know...
is a good sign?
It's a good...
It's a great sign, right?
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
That's actually
my wife's handwriting.
Um, so...when I asked her
to do that,
what I was really just--
It's basically
her signing off
on me being a good guy
without her knowing it.
She was like, "Oh, I get to
write something in neon?"
I'm like, "Well, I just kinda
wanna make sure
we remember what you wrote."
But I do,
I wanna be a good guy.
And the thing about
being a good guy
is you can't just gather
your friends up and say,
"Hey, guys,
I'm gonna do a 180.
"Thanks for coming out
to Denny's.
"I just wanted to...
"open it up with that,
and, um,
"if you guys could just mention
that to everybody forever,
I'd appreciate it."
You can't do it that way.
What you do is you make
good decisions over time,
and you hope that people
notice.
And they think,
you know what, Nick's...
he used to not pick me up
from the airport
because he told me
I wasn't an adult
because I should just
figure rides out...
but this time,
he almost did.
And that's what being
a good person is,
being there for your
friends and family,
and it just is choices over time
to make you a better person.
So the first decision
that I made to be a good guy
is I decided
to quit smoking marijuana.
Illegally.
And I got my pot card.
[crowd cheering]
Because--yeah.
Well, I live in California
right now
where, you know, you still
have to lie to doctors.
And the thing about it is
they say it's so easy.
You go in to the doctor
and you say, "My back hurts,"
or "I've got anxiety," and they
just want you to smoke weed.
And so I went in to a doctor
and said,
"I've got anxiety that
someday my back might hurt."
And he said, "Dude,
that's a serious issue.
"Lotta people your age
are dealing with that right now.
Let's cut that out
before it starts."
And he gave me a weed card.
Because I think
scumbags go to drug dealers,
but good guys
lie to doctors.
And so there I am...
I've got my weed card.
The feeling of having
your weed card--
I just ran out into
the streets of L.A. like,
where do we--Where are we?
Where are we going?
And there's weed stores
everywhere.
And I picked one, and I hoped
it was the right one,
and I go in,
and it was because....
there was weed there.
And if you've never been
in to a weed store,
the best way to describe it
is that it's like every store
you've ever been in
but all weed, right?
And so they've got everything.
They got, like, weed water,
weed sodas, trail mix,
lip balm, lotions.
And they even just have
this little area in the corner
where they just have weed.
Like what our forefathers
used to smoke.
And I'm an old-fashioned guy.
I like to smoke weed.
I like to smoke-a da weed.
It is a saying
that I have coined.
So I bought some weed to smoke
and I said, "Thank you so much,"
and I turned to walk out and
it just--it didn't feel real.
I just bought drugs, and I was
able to walk outside.
And I turned to walk out,
and with drugs in one hand
and a hand on a doorknob
to freedom,
from over my shoulder
I hear, "Oh, Mr. Thune,
one more thing."
And that's the moment
that you realize
it's been a six-year sting
operation focused on me.
And there's eight cops
out in a van like,
"I didn't think
he'd fuckin' do it!
"We're goin' home!
Jason, you're gonna meet
your daughter!"
And I turn around just like,
just where's the handcuffs?
Just break 'em out.
And she doesn't have handcuffs.
She's actually holding
a weed brownie.
And she says, "Mr. Thune, I
know it's your first time here,
"and...it's a cutthroat
business out there.
"We're glad you chose us and we
hope you keep coming back,
"and to show our gratitude...
[audience whooping]
here's a free weed brownie."
And she handed me
a weed brownie
that was about the size
of a VHS tape.
And I know this is streaming
and there's younger audiences.
Um...
[laughter, applause]
It's like--
It's like four Apple TVs.
Same amount of content.
And I'm holding
the weed brownie
and I'm looking at it,
and I'm gonna be honest--
I don't like to eat
weed brownies because...
I don't like to feel
like I'm dying all the time.
But we all learned
in elementary school:
You never say no to drugs!
You accept the drug.
You either learn to like it,
or you give it to your best
friend on his wedding day.
And so I accepted the weed
brownie and I said,
"Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Someday."
And I turned to walk out,
and as I turned to walk out and
I had my hand on the door again,
She said, "Oh, wait,
"Mr. Thune.
I almost forgot.
One more thing."
And that's the moment
you realize
that they just planted
more drugs on me.
The guys in the van are like,
"I didn't think he'd do that!
"Offer him coke.
"See what he says.
Tell him there's hookers
in the back."
And I turn around just like,
"Just call my wife.
Tell her it's over.
Just take me away."
And she says, "What I almost
forgot to tell you is...
Make sure and only
eat an eighth of it."
And I was like,
"An eighth of it?"
She was like, "Um...
"I mean, yeah, basically
what you wanna do...
"I mean, okay, what you wanna do
is you wanna--
"first off, you just wanna
break it up into halfs.
"And then what you're
gonna wanna do is, uh,
"you wanna break
both those up into halfs.
And then at that point, you--"
I was like, "Oh, no, no, no!
"I know fractions.
Oh....God, I...
"I am so sorry
I didn't stop you.
"I didn't know you were
defining fractions.
"I was just curious as to how
you almost forgot to tell me
"that I might die.
"But thank you so much.
Thank you.
Someday."
And I took the weed brownie,
and I took it home.
And when I got home, I put
the weed brownie in a backpack.
And, you guys,
that's not me bragging.
We've all got backpacks,
and I'm not--
I'm not trying to act like
I'm better than you.
"Oh, the big guy who moved
to L.A. has backpacks now!"
I just have a backpack
that I'll keep drugs in
every now and again.
And I put it in there
and I thought, "Someday."
And then I moved on
with my life.
And then later that night...
[laughter]
Later that night,
I took all the weed
that I had bought
just to smoke,
and I took it over
to a friend's house.
And me and him smoked all of
that weed in his backyard
like responsible 36-year-old men
do on a Tuesday
every now and again.
We were playing pinball
in his backyard.
He has a pinball machine
back there, just out...
outside.
Because in California,
you can just put stuff outside.
And it's so close
to you guys.
What if you could
put your stuff outside?
It's an interesting sell
for California.
They're all moving up here.
You guys can put your stuff
outside down there!
Think about it.
So we're out there
playing pinball,
and then I had that moment
around midnight,
that moment where your heart
sinks into your stomach
and you just--You're--
Oh, my--
My phone!
I put my phone over on a bench
about two hours ago,
and for two hours,
I'd just been sitting there
living my fucking life.
And you see your phone
and it's just like, oh, my God,
what happened?
What--What's going on?
And there it is--I've missed
five phone calls from my wife.
[sighs]
And it just--
It didn't feel that important.
So I hop back on to
the pinball machine...
and I keep playing pinball,
and then I hear the sixth
phone call coming in.
And, you guys, if you know me,
if you know me,
you know that I get
the sixth phone call
every fucking time.
That's a guarantee.
So I pick up the phone
and before I can say a word,
it's Suzanne on the other end
just screaming,
"What the fuck
was in your backpack?
What the fuck
did you put in that backpack?"
And when you're as high as I am
and somebody calls you
and they're angrily yelling
about backpacks
in a very accusatory manner,
in my stoned brain,
all I could hear
was her questioning
my backpack knowledge.
All I could hear was, "You don't
know shit about backpacks!
You're not the man
I married!"
And I'm just like,
"Whoa...
"Suzanne!
"You called the wrong guy!
"You know I know about
backpacks!
"And you used to have
a JanSport back when we met
"when you were fuckin' real...
Where's that JanSport at,
Suzanne?"
And then it just gets
real quiet,
and my friend Cameron's
in the corner just like...
"Yeah, dude...yeah!
Tell Suzanne hey for me,
too."
And then this is the moment
when everything is like,
wait,
what are we yelling about?
What's happening right now?
W--is this Suzanne--
like...
lotta thoughts
goin' through my head.
[exhales]
And then in that moment...
Ohh...Suzanne said,
in the most calm manner,
"Whatever was in your backpack,
Mikey ate."
Mikey's our 36-pound
French bulldog.
- Oh!
- I am Mikey's 185-pound owner.
90. 190.
I'm 6'4".
Mikey's like...
dog height.
I was supposed to eat
an eighth of it...
Mikey ate
the whole goddamn thing.
Because Mikey likey.
And I told him, "You go hard,
buddy, every time."
And as all of that
was processing in my head,
my wife, who is living the worst
life with the worst husband,
just said,
"Just get the fuck home,"
and she hung up,
and I just sprung into action.
I looked at my friend
and I said nothing,
and I ran to my car.
And when I got to my car, I ran
back into my friend's house,
and he helped me find my car
keys for about ten minutes.
Found my car keys.
Ran back out to the car.
Got in the car, drove home.
And I did not listen
to any music on that drive home
because I didn't deserve it.
Because the new,
responsible Nick
doesn't just flip on tunes
when he's in trouble.
He thinks about what he did.
And he might not...be able
to figure out the stereo
at that moment.
So I drove home,
and when I got home,
I pulled into our driveway.
And the best way to describe
our driveway is it's curved,
so as you pull in at night,
your headlights wipe the house,
right?
Just like...shhhuuuu!
And there,
at the end of the wipe,
was the end of the driveway
where my wife's car was parked.
And for that moment,
for just...[snaps]
I could see her face...
just...
[snaps]
And the only way
to describe the look...
that was on her face...
is... divorce.
Parked my car, got out,
ran around,
and there's Mikey just sprawled
out in the backseat of her car.
And the only way to describe
how high Mikey was
is Burning Man high.
He's like a dog that's been
stuck at a hippie festival
in the Nevada desert
for 14 days,
and he just needs
a ride home.
And he's not even sure
he's a dog anymore.
And he's wearing pants.
Did Mikey buy pants?
Did he--
Did he have money at some point?
These are kind of...
Turns out,
he couldn't hold his pee in,
so she just put my favorite
pair of pants on him.
That were not at the top
of the drawer.
She fucking dug those out...
which I deserved.
So I hop in the backseat
with Mikey,
'cause there's no way
I'm gonna sit up front
with an angry pregnant lady.
audience: Oh!
I didn't even mention
she's pregnant.
[laughter]
- Oh!
- Edit that out.
Let's just say she's sober.
I think it's better for
the story--for me.
So I hop in the backseat
with Mikey.
We got a real angry
sober lady up front,
and she backs outta
the driveway
and starts driving to the vet
in a way that is exciting.
It's like,
this is the woman I married!
You drive like this forever!
This is exciting!
And I'm in the backseat,
and all of a sudden
it feels like a cool stoner
buddy comedy adventure.
Like I'm James Franco
and he's Seth Rogen and...
who knows what's gonna happen?
We know Judd Apatow's
onboard.
And we are driving,
and halfway to the vet,
she realizes that I am as high
as the dog is.
And it was subtle.
It was just...
I had my head out the window.
I married a smart woman.
Because most simpletons
would just roll the window up.
But it's actually
a two-step process for a genius.
She locked the windows...
and then rolled it up.
Caught a lotta chin,
good amount of hair.
And then she said--
as the window was up
and I was sitting back there
slightly confused--
She said, "Nick,
I just wanna know...
"I just have a question.
"I just wanna know
if this is you.
"Is this who you are?
"Is this the man I married...
"who's gonna be a father,
who's a dog owner,
my husband.
Is this who you are?"
[exhales]
Ohh...
And it's just like,
"You're fucking bumming me out
right now,
like...I am really stoned."
And anybody that's ever
smoked weed before,
you know that you could go
down two paths right there,
the darkest path ever,
or wanna be better.
And I wanted to be better.
So we got to the vet,
and I grabbed Mikey
and I ran
like it was "Boyz N The Hood"
and my best friend's been shot.
I get to the front door
of a 24-hour vet
and I kick it open,
and me and my stoned dog
enter extremely loudly
into a very quiet
and somber waiting room...
to a 24-hour vet.
People are sitting
in this waiting room
whose animals
are currently dying...
- Aw...
- And Mikey is living
for the first time!
[audience cheering]
And what do you do?
What do you do
in that situation?
And I'll tell you what you do
is you fill out a shitload
of paperwork.
And it's questions like
what's your dog's name?
And honestly...
who fuckin' cares?
His name's dog.
Fix dog.
Dog.
What's his birthday?
Ha oh...
Who wrote this?
I don't know
Abraham Lincoln's birthday!
You think I know
this turd's birthday?
One of them freed slaves.
The other one eats human shit
whenever he has an opportunity.
Happened twice.
Worst two days of my life.
I don't know his birthday.
So I just put my dad's, May 17,
1950.
He's an old dog.
He's doing great.
But if there's anything
you're gonna say about us
as dog owners...
he's doin' pretty good.
Next question.
What's your name?
Ha. Okay.
All right. I guess I'll
take this one left-handed.
Nick Thune threw the pen.
Went for a high five.
Suzanne didn't care.
And then they take us back
to the room.
So this assistant walks us back,
and they put us in a small room.
Suzanne sits back
in the corner.
Lotta anger, um...
Real quiet.
I'm in the middle
of the room holding Mikey.
Still have a pretty good
buzz goin'.
And that's the moment that
the vet walks into the room.
And this is the order
in which it happens.
She's bouncing
from room to room.
Animals are dying everywhere.
She's flipping through paper--
She doesn't have time to look at
paperwork before she comes in.
She comes in the room
just buried in the paperwork,
and she goes,
[laughs] "Oh, my God!
Nick Thune."
Looks up, realizes the tension.
"Oh, sorry.
I just--I saw your name.
"I'm a big fan of your comedy.
Um..."
[audience whooping]
"This is crazy!
"Uh...anyway.
"So...
What's going on with Dog?"
Ohh! Two horrible things
just happened.
One--Suzanne just realized
I wrote down our dog's name
as dog.
Two--this person likes me,
actually thinks I'm a good guy.
Suzanne's in the corner
just like, "What...
What is my life?"
The vet's looking at me
kinda like kinda getting it
like, "You fucking rascal."
But the vet's a pro.
She pushes through it.
She goes, "Okay, well,
how much weed did he eat?"
And I was like, "I'll ta--
"I'm probably the only one
that knows that.
Standard VHS size...
brownie?"
And then she said,
"Did he eat the whole thing?"
And that's when I said,
"Knowing him...
he probably put a little
aside for later."
To which she laughed out loud at
because she should have
because she's a fan
and I gave her
every...thing she wanted!
[cheers and applause]
That was some off-duty,
pro bono,
off-the-clock shit!
Just like, oh, you like
my stuff?
There ya go, babe.
That one's for you.
And she's looking at me
like
you're the fuckin' best!
And I'm lookin' at her like,
if this doesn't work out...
you and me forever!
And in that moment,
Suzanne takes the car keys
out of her purse
and throws them across the room,
and they hit me
in the side of the head
and she says,
"Go wait in the fucking car."
Freeze frame.
That's it.
That's the 25-minute story
I'm opening my special with.
Think about it.
Think about it
for just a second, though.
What just happened?
What just
happened?
And if you look at that moment
for just a second,
just that whole moment,
that freeze frame,
and think who's in the room?
Wait--who do we got?
We got Nick.
We've got...a fan, right?
We've got...
not a fan.
For good reasons.
What happened there?
And I think if you ask
most people,
they'll say, "Well, you're an
asshole, and she was angry."
But...if you surround
yourself with yes people...
what I think
really happened there is
she was basically saying,
"Hey, big guy,
"you're fucking
killing it in here.
"This is why I married you!
Get outside, have a cigarette.
"I'm gonna handle
all this adult bullshit.
"They're probably gonna
keep Mikey overnight.
"We can go home...
enjoy ourselves
without this creep
watching us, for once."
So anyway,
Mikey got sober two days later.
And he's been sober
about a year now,
and we are just...
so proud of him.
[cheers and applause]
Ohh...so there's some
mistakes that I've made, right?
You could look at that
and think, well,
a couple things came together
that nobody could've foreseen,
but...that's not--those
aren't the choices I wanna make.
And as I look through my life
and I wonder
what are the choices that I have
made, it's not a good record.
16 years old,
I got my driver's license.
Borrowed my mom's car,
drove straight to Claire's
and said, "Put some fuckin'
holes in my ears."
[audience whooping]
Gimme some earrings!
And now here I am,
a 36-year-old man,
20 years later
with holes in my ears.
There's no
small group for that.
Other guys my age
dealing with the same thing.
When I was 17 years old,
I got kicked outta high school
and sent to a lockdown
drug and alcohol facility
in Gresham.
When I was 17.
That's Oregon.
That's lockdown.
That's not like in Washington
where you can just kinda
walk out and be like...yeah!
My parents had caught me
drinking upwards of five times.
I was sharing a room
with a guy my age
that had blown another guy
for meth.
It was a weird month.
Learned a lot about drugs.
I came home like,
"That's the fucking coolest camp
you could have ever sent me to."
I learned more about drugs
than I should about--
I wanna try LSD.
What's cocaine like?
Like, I...I've never
even heard of this stuff.
When I was 18, on my birthday,
I got a tattoo on my back.
Basically to say, like,
screw you, Mom and Dad,
I'll do what I want.
But instead of actually
saying that,
it's just Hebrew writing that
says "The Lord is my Shepherd."
I'm not Jewish.
What the fuck was I thinking?
For the rest of my life.
Poolside. At beaches.
I'm walking around
and there's, like,
eight elderly Jewish people
like, "What does that say?
Son, slow down,
we can't read it."
Get--get away.
It's my Wi-Fi password.
Get outta here!
In my young 20s, I got my left
nipple pierced in Barcelona.
What?
Yeah, I just met a girl.
She was like,
let's get our nipples pierced,
and in my mind that was like,
oh...that means she wants to
show me her nipples.
No.
Turns out, we had two
separate appointments,
and I went first.
And the thing about
getting your nipple pierced--
you're not hanging out
to see anything else.
You're outside vomiting.
Cut to five days later
getting it surgically removed
at a hospital
because my body
was growing around it.
The three shirts
that I was traveling with
were marked forever.
So bad choices?
I made a few.
I kinda have a history
of making bad choices.
In a business like mine,
one bad choice
can just throw you off.
You know, you're done.
One bad tweet, one whatever.
You just do something stupid.
It's on camera.
Say something like,
"Grab 'em by the pussy."
Which is something that nobody
would ever, you know,
logistically would ever
be able to come back from.
Like even one day.
But if, at any point,
you say something that is--
You know,
whatever I could say,
it all can come crashing
down on me.
And...I don't know--I don't know
what I would do next.
I don't know what--'Cause
I don't have a college degree.
I didn't go to college.
I'm ashamed of that.
I was embarrassed about it
when I was younger.
And I know you're all thinking,
but if you didn't
go to college...
[softly]
where'd you get your glasses?
I didn't go to college.
A lotta people, when I was 18
out of high school,
they decided to go to college,
and I took
the other obvious route
which was mowing lawns
and DJing weddings
and bar and bat mitzvahs.
You know, you got your Monday
through Friday mowing lawns,
and you got your Friday night
through Saturday night
fucking partying,
introducing the best man.
Also learning a lot
about Jewish culture.
So what would I do
if things didn't work out?
I have no education.
And I was pondering that
recently onstage
with no real answer,
up in Seattle.
And afterwards this kid
approached me and said,
"Hey, man.
It's actually not true.
You did go to college."
And I was like,
"What? I mean, are you
"trying to do like
a motivational thing
like life is college?
What are you doing here?"
And he said, "No. We went
to the same college.
Bellevue Community College."
And I was like,
"Oh. You mean BCC.
[softly]
That's not a college."
And if you don't know
what a community college is,
it's basically a place
where adults hang out.
Like 18-year-old kids
that are just out of high school
that are unaware
of what their future is
and 46-year-old moms
that are just like,
"Get me the fuck
out of this house...
for an hour every day."
And those people are sitting
next to each other in class.
And that's what
a community college is.
It's a great place
for people in the community
to wait for their next job.
So...I did go to BCC
and I was like,
"I'm surprised you know that,
because you seem
a lot younger than me."
And he goes,
"Well, of course I know,
because you are
a notable alumni."
[laughter]
And then he showed me
their website
and their Wikipedia page
and, yeah, sure enough,
I am listed as a notable alumni
at Bellevue Community College.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
I'll tell you right now...
being a notable alumni
at a community college
means more to me than any
bachelor's degree out there.
And I know that when
they gave it to me,
they overlooked the fact
that I went there
for less than one semester...
and that I got a non-complete
in all three classes
that I took.
Non-complete.
And I wondered,
well, who are my peers?
Who else could be
a notable alumni at BCC?
Turns out,
there's just two of us.
Me...and Jim Caviezel.
Who's Jim Caviezel?
I think that's a great question
from everybody.
Jim Caviezel played Jesus
in Mel Gibson's
"Passion of the Christ."
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
Mel Gibson...
our best Christian...
scoured the earth
and found one man
to best represent Jesus...
Christ.
So who are the notable
alumni at BCC?
Nick Thune
and Mel Gibson's Jesus.
Yeah.
It's a big honor.
It's a big
honor.
And I wondered, like,
what did I do that was notable?
What could I have done
that meant anything?
And then it hit me.
At a community college...
people are coming from
so many different backgrounds
they don't know what you know,
and they just can't
place you into a class.
So they do a placement test.
It's a two-hour test
called an English placement test
and it kinda covers everything.
And they just wanna know
what you know.
They don't wanna put you above
or below what you're capable of.
Two-hour test.
I sat down.
Five minutes into it,
I gave up.
I didn't take tests well
in high school.
That's why I had a D average.
You're really gonna start off
community college
with a two-hour one?
So five minutes in,
I just started circling
the hardest questions like...
maybe that's the test.
Twenty minutes into the test,
I'm done.
Turn it in.
Everyone else in the class
is like,
look at this fucking genius.
I'm just like, yeah,
see ya at school, dorks.
This is gonna affect my future
in a bad way.
That I'm still unaware of.
Cut to two months later.
School starts.
My first class, Monday
through Friday, every day.
English 072.
English
072.
I didn't think much
about the number.
I thought--I mean,
I've heard of 101.
Maybe it goes backwards.
I don't know.
When I walked into my class,
I immediately felt different
than everybody.
And then I immediately realized
that I had been placed
into an English as a second
language class.
That because of my
placement test,
they put me into an ESL class.
Which means I did
so good on that test
that they thought I was fluent
in a foreign language.
A week into the class,
the teacher's like,
"Hey, man, I don't think
you're supposed to be in here."
And I was just like,
"Yeah, I don't think
that's your fucking call."
Because, to be honest,
I feel like a leader
for the first goddamn time
in my life.
All these guys
are lookin' up to me.
Just let it happen.
I'm not gonna last
more than two weeks.
We're fine.
Get out there.
So what would I do?
What could I do?
No education.
What's the next career?
And then it hit me.
Plan B.
I could be a youth pastor.
[scattered laughs]
I could.
I could walk into any church
in this country--Christian,
non-denominational,
Methodist, doesn't matter--and
just based on how cool I look...
hired.
Oh, cool beard.
You're in, buddy.
We gotta fire two guys,
but you're in.
And here's why I think
I could do it.
Because there's this pastor
right now
that's like the most
popular pastor
for a lot of celebrities--
young, hip-looking dude.
Like you see him onstage
wearing ripped-up jeans
and leather jackets
and fake glasses.
It's like...I could do that.
Just put contacts on
and buy a pair of fakies?
No problem.
Gotta buy a leather jacket.
Never really jumped into that.
But I could do it, you know?
I just never found
the right jacket.
Thirty-six. There's a lotta
time, but...
I think I could do that.
Because I watched his sermon.
Just one quick sermon.
Just watched about
30 seconds of it.
He's performing in front of
20,000 people.
The video's been viewed
millions of times.
And here's how
he opens his sermon.
He says,
"I'll never forget
when I was five years old
"and I got lost
at a grocery store.
Have you ever felt lost?"
Pause.
I can do that.
[laughter]
He just took a fake memory--
There's no way
he has that memory.
And even if he did get lost in a
grocery store when he was five,
it was probably
in a nice suburban town,
and a better family
might have found him.
But he took that memory
and tried to compare it
to somebody who feels
disconnected to society.
Feels lost...
lost from God or from family.
People that are struggling,
and he just tried
to compare that.
And I thought, well, there's
no way that's gonna work.
If it does, I'm in, but...
we'll see.
Un-pause.
Cut to the audience.
They're not walking out.
They're actually applauding,
saying,
"I felt lost too."
Ho ho...
So there I am.
I got hired at a church
based on how cool I look.
And I got about five days
to get my first sermon together.
And your first sermon,
you wanna make it good.
They were gonna start me out
in the youth group
with the kids.
That's fine, you know.
So you put the sermon together,
and they start the service.
There's probably
some band onstage
playing some worship song
"Nothing But The Blood
of Jesus" or something creepy.
And as they're playing that
song,
I finish up a quick
cigarette outside.
And I just kind of
stand in the corner
as they finish the song up
and...lean against the wall.
And the kids are all
just like, "Who...
Who the fuck is that guy?"
Some kid's like,
"What do you mean, who?"
And he goes, "The fucking dude
in the sunglasses."
And I'm like, "Actually,
they're, uh...Transitions.
Give 'em about ten minutes."
And then the band finishes
and I come up on stage
and, you know, there's the guy
with the acoustic guitar.
They're all mediocre
musicians.
I'm just like, "You know,
let me borrow that guitar."
Why not?
[cheers and applause]
That's what happens when...
when you have a really famous
guitar tech.
[strumming mellow chords]
♪ ♪
Hey, guys, I'm Pastor Nick.
I know you're wondering,
"What happened to Pastor Jeff?
Where's Pastor Brian?"
Which, statistically,
are their names.
[laughter]
Don't worry about them.
They're gonna be all right.
♪ ♪
Before we get into it,
let's bow our heads.
Let's pray.
[mellow chords continue]
Dear Jesus...
oh-ho, you...
you son of a God.
♪ ♪
Dear Jesus, I wanna thank you
for these noodles.
Ramen.
[cheers and applause]
You guys, I love Ramen!
I'm a cool dude!
I make a pour over
every morning.
Let's hang out, you know?
Yeah, I like cold brews.
I'm Pastor Nick.
[laughter]
Open up your bibles.
And then close 'em.
♪ ♪
We've all read it.
Let's think about it
in a different way.
How 'bout...
open up your iPhones.
[musical flourish]
What?
Oh, cool pastor alert!
Yeah!
I love smart phones.
Open 'em up.
Open up Google Maps.
Because in the beginning,
Google created Earth.
[laughter]
Just kidding.
It's a Pastor Nick joke.
They did Maps and then Earth.
Seriously,
open up Google Maps,
and what I want you to do
is I want you to
hit that little
translucent compass
in the bottom
right-hand corner.
And when you hit that
little translucent compass,
what's it gonna give you?
It's gonna give you...
your current location.
And what I want you to know
is that Jesus...
Christ...
is in all of our current
locations.
♪ ♪
[laughs]
What?!
What? I don't know.
Almost makes too much sense.
I know Trent's in the back.
He's got T-Mobile.
He's got no service.
You're goin' to hell, Trent!
[laughter]
But seriously...
seriously.
I'll never forget...
when I was two years old.
♪ ♪
Never forget it.
[laughter]
I was two years old, and I was
playing with my biggest toy...
and it slipped out of
my little baby hands.
♪ ♪
And it landed on my big toe.
♪ ♪
Later that day...
that toenail fell off.
Have you ever lost
a loved one?
[laughter]
Like a mom or a dad?
Because I love that toe.
Thank you, guys.
I'm Pastor Nick.
[cheers and applause]
[end chords]
Thank you.
It's weird when you tape
a special.
It's like...permanent,
you know?
So the whole time I'm like,
good posture.
Push your butt in.
Suck in.
You're sweating.
Stop fucking sweating, dude.
It's not gonna look good.
I think it's going pretty well.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
Well...
I am--I'm so appreci-ative--
appreciative
of you guys coming out.
[laughter]
I'm like scared
of saying words wrong.
It's so frustrating, like...
I think this is a good
stance for me,
and if we do have a camera,
let's just...cover?
That could be a good cover.
Actually, you know what?
Let's commit to it right now.
That's the cover.
[laughs]
All right.
So...
I brought up earlier--
I brought up something
that's pretty major.
I brought up
my wife being pregnant.
And that's a pretty big deal.
[audience whooping]
And--Yeah, it is.
It's...
It changes your life
in every angle.
And we've all--Like some of you
guys might have had babies,
or you've seen movies or TV
or you just--
You're aware
that there's babies out there.
And the thing about it--
We see and we hear the same
thing over and over again.
It's just so cliché,
but it's so easy to say
and everyone says it.
They say,
"I don't care
if it's a boy or a girl.
"I just...
[exhales]
just want a healthy baby."
And the first thing
that I said was...
"I mean...
I'd take an unhealthy boy."
I want my King Joffrey.
I want him now!
I'm a big
"Game of Thrones" fan.
I married my sister.
Some people are fans.
Some people just live it,
you know, and that's...
I'm on the living it side.
I wanted a boy.
And that's the last thing
that I'm gonna bring up
that I'm fully ashamed of,
that misogynistic thought
of wanting a boy.
Like...why?
Because I'm a first-born,
you know, and I--I'm--
My family was great,
and I wanna replicate that.
And that's how you start,
right?
And then you start
kinda justifying
this misogynistic
point of view
where you're saying stuff like,
"Well, I don't want a girl
"because they're just
so goddamn smart, you know?
I just want a little
dum-dum running around."
But I did want a boy.
And the thing is,
you usually gotta wait
about 12 weeks,
and you go to the hospital
and they can do an ultrasound
or a sonogram and tell you
the sex of the baby.
Well, the thing is
I didn't have 12 weeks.
I needed to know...sooner.
Turns out, at ten weeks,
you can go to a drugstore.
I think CVS is probably
top of the line.
So I chose a CVS.
And at this drugstore,
you can buy a test
that your wife has to pee into,
so...don't make that mistake.
Then you gotta buy
another one.
The guy behind the counter's
like,
"Sir, you just bought
the same thing.
You don't have to
ring it back up."
I'm like, "Yeah, but then...
Remember when I borrowed
the bathroom key?"
"Just fucking ring it up,
Geoff!"
G-E-O-F-F.
Oh...no.
That's not real!
That's not real.
Spelling it wrong.
So Geoff rings me up
and I take the test home,
and my wife pees into it.
And because of the color
that it turns,
it tell us
that we're having a boy.
And I... oh, celebrated!
And that's--
Even though on the box
it says it was a 50-50 shot.
I believed in the brand.
I believe in CVS.
More than that,
I believe in Geoff,
and, yeah, we have
had our times.
But I believed it.
And then I moved on.
And then two weeks later,
we go to our first
doctor's appointment
at this big hospital
in Los Angeles.
And we go in and they take you
up to a room,
and they put this beautiful
gown on your wife.
It's totally backless and...
just gorgeous, and...
they put her on this table
and they lay her down.
And this doctor
takes a device...
and he starts moving it
around on her stomach
to get an image of the baby,
right?
And after about a minute
he says, "Hey, guys,
"the good news is
is healthy baby.
"heartbeat, everything great.
"Bad news is we're not gonna
get a good image
"because the baby's
just so small still.
We're not gonna get a good
image from the outside."
Now...key word there
is outside.
Because he then took
the exact same device
and inserted it
into my wife's vagina.
We're talking something roughly
three times the size of dicks.
And it's like she's not
even supposed to know
that's a possibility.
But insurance is covering it.
I'm not a monster--enjoy it.
Just don't get used to it.
Because you're comin' back
to ol' sturdy Nick.
Who's a hard worker.
Sometimes he clocks out early.
And that's because
he's excited to be there.
So now my wife is being
penetrated in front of me,
and all of a sudden,
these three big-screen TVs
just light up on the wall.
I didn't even know
they were there.
When I walked in I was like,
oh, those are cool artsy
black paintings.
But now it's three
big-screen TVs
that are airing
the inside of my wife
like the worst sports bar
you've ever been to.
And we're just looking
at these TVs,
and all of a sudden,
he freeze frames it
and he says,
"Hey, guys, great news.
"I got a great image
of the baby,
and I can tell you
what the sex is."
And that's when everything
inside of me--
even though I wasn't
allowed to talk
because of what happened
at the vet--
I jump up and I was like,
"Actually, Doctor, um...
"I shouldn't--I'm act--
I'm Nick.
"I haven't even said hi yet.
"I'm the Creator.
Um...
"And I just wanted to say
"that, um, I actually
already bought a test
"at a drug--CVS.
"One of the best.
And, um...
"My--We--She peed into it,
"and it told us
we were having a boy.
"So anyway,
just wanted to let you know
before you kinda spoiled it."
Sit back down.
The doctor goes, "Oh, my God,
"Nick. Wow...
It is--
"It's so great to meet you.
I want to introduce myself.
"Um...I'm a doctor...
"and you're having a girl.
Because I'm a doctor."
And then my wife
is so excited,
and him and her started
talking about I have no idea
as I stared at these three
big-screen TVs
looking the hardest I've looked
for a dick in my whole life.
Just looking for baby dicks.
Like the most perverted game
of "Where's Waldo"
you've ever...played.
And two minutes into it,
I see one
and I stop everything
and I say, "Doctor!
isn't this a penis?"
Which is something
we've all said.
And the doctor
looked at the screen
and then looked at Suzanne
and said,
"If he thinks that's a penis,
then I wanna know
who got you pregnant."
[cheers and applause]
Like I just stepped into
my own Comedy Central Roast.
And Dr. Rickles was like,
"Oh, I'll take the next one.
Burn!"
She's belly laughing,
high-fiving the doctor
like he doesn't know
what dicks look like!
And I'm just sitting
in the corner like,
what the fuck just happened?
And then the appointment
was over.
And we drove home.
And my wife has never been
happier.
We're gonna have her princess.
And I'm thinking if she keeps
saying princess,
I'm like, I want him to...
be king.
Or a queen.
It's up to him.
[applause]
You want a princess?
Take it up a level, all right?
I know they've gotta start
somewhere, but...
And then we start running
into friends and family,
and this is the time
of the pregnancy
where it's actually
really exciting.
It's not a secret anymore.
You can start telling people.
And my wife is so excited,
and we run into people we know
and she's like,
"We're having a baby!
And it's a girl!"
and I'm right behind her like,
"We don't really know
that for sure."
And then she turns around.
She's like,
"Nick, I swear to God,
do not tell the story."
And it's like,
"Oh, sorry, guys,
"Suzanne's kinda nagging
on me right now
"because I got this great story
about a doctor
"who questioned
my dick knowledge.
"She didn't want me to tell it,
but I kinda think you guys
really wanna hear it."
I mean, at that point
it's too late
and they're all just like,
tell us more.
Suzanne's just sitting
over there like,
oh, no, no, no, no, no.
And then I go into
a ten-minute diatribe
where I break it all down.
At one point in public
or at a family event
I'm screaming out,
"You don't think I know
"what a dick looks like?!
I've seen Shawn Kemp's dick!"
Which I have seen his dick,
and if you don't know
who Shawn Kemp is,
he's the power forward
for the Seattle SuperSonics.
[audience whoops]
One of the best.
And I saw his dick
in a public restroom,
and only one of us knows
it happened.
And you're--
[laughter, applause]
you're trying to tell me
you wouldn't take a look.
Oh...the Reign Man?
You're right, I'm lookin'.
So after, like, two times
of telling the story,
Suzanne pulls me aside
and she's like, "Listen, um,
"You're doing that thing
that you do
"where you ruin my life.
"All the time.
"And you just need to get
the fuck over yourself.
"You--You're a maniac.
"You questioned a doctor
in a hospital.
"You brought up CVS.
You're an idiot."
And she just breaks me down.
She's like, "Why don't we
just enjoy this?
"This is our last time before we
have some kid running around
"ruining our lives.
"Let's just be together
and go see movies
and love each other,"
and everything she's saying
as she says it,
it's just like
the realization--oh, my God.
I've been...
[exhales] Ahh...
I've been a maniac.
She's right.
And it--It's never fun
to feel that way,
that you've failed somebody.
But then,
as she breaks me down,
[sighs] God damn it
if she doesn't know
how to bring me
right back up.
And she reaches out
and she grabs everything
that I've got...
and she says, "I know that you
know what dicks look like.
I've seen you see your dick."
And it's just like
she knows what to say
and how to say it, you know?
[cheers and applause]
And we moved on.
And we moved on.
And I was so happy.
All I wanted was just--
Of course I want a girl.
Of course. And then we go to our
next doctor's appointment,
and this time, same hospital,
different doctor, older.
Nobody made any phone calls
to make that happen,
as far as Suzanne knows.
And we're sitting in the room,
and the doctor,
this time he's doing the test
and the baby is big enough,
and he can get it
from the outside.
And it's up on the big screens.
And then, like, you know,
I'm sitting there like,
she's not being penetrated--
I feel like
I can finally be me,
which I think that's what
these appointments are about.
And as I'm sitting there,
he does the same thing.
Freeze frame.
"Hey, guys, great news.
"We got a great image
of the baby.
I can actually tell you
what the sex is,"
like they've been taught
to say it that exact way.
And that's the moment
when Suzanne
just sees caution lights
ahead, and she's like,
"Oh, no, no, no, we actu--
We don't--
"You don't even need to.
We already know the sex.
"The last doctor told us
it's gonna be a girl,
so no need to say anything."
And the doctor said,
"Oh, okay, good."
And then he looked at me,
and as if he knew
everything about...
who I am.
He said, "Well, Nick,
what do you think it is?"
[audience chortling]
Ohh...
And I just said, "Doctor,
I wanna, first of all,
"I wanna say thanks so much
for asking me that out loud.
"Otherwise, I was not
allowed to talk.
"That was a direct question.
We all saw that.
"And I'm just gonna say
"we're actually--
We're not having a girl.
"We're not having a boy.
We're having a man."
The confidence had just
risen inside of me.
And in that moment,
Suzanne looks at me
and she gives me this look
that I think you could
break down in so many ways
like, "Please stop talking"
or "H-how did we meet?
Why did that happen?"
And in that moment
of her giving me those looks,
the voice of Jesus...
Christ
came out of that doctor,
and he said, "He's right.
It's a boy."
And on the freeze frame,
on a tablet device
that he had on his lap
like an instant replay
on ESPN,
he circles my son's penis,
draws an arrow to it,
and then writes in huge letters,
BABY PENIS.
[loud cheering]
And then I grab my phone.
I grab my phone,
and I took 30 to 40 quick pics.
Maybe 300 to 400.
I don't know.
I just hit the volume button
and let it fuckin' ride!
And then we drove home.
I never mentioned one time
on that drive home
that I'm smarter
than doctors.
Didn't have to--everybody
saw what happened in that room.
The new humble Nick
doesn't bring it up.
And then we got home,
and one of us made
spaghetti that night.
And I always forget who,
and then...
and then I recall,
oh, that's right,
the king made spaghetti
that night.
Because I'm not just right
at the hospital.
I'm gonna take it to the next
level all night!
You want spaghetti?
Ho ho, yeah!
If you get all that stuff out
that we need...
and put it in what you think
is the best order
to cook it--
Because, you know,
I'll just always fire up
that sauce right away
and it's like, why don't you
start with the noodles?
You know?
And it's just kinda something
you relearn every time.
Spaghetti's done.
I set the table.
Silverware--
No one's making a trip back
to the kitchen tonight.
Sat her down, popped open
a bottle of red wine.
Would...would the lady
like a little red wine?
And she's just like,
"Um...
"I'm fucking pregnant.
Do I look Italian to you?"
And I'm just like,
"Uh...shit, um,
"guess I have to drink
the whole bottle.
Oh, I hate it
when this happens."
You know, but it goes bad
over one night,
so you have to...
Dinner's over.
We watch some TV.
She's tired.
She should be.
She's living for two,
and she puts up with me
on a daily basis.
Let's get in bed.
Take her up to bed.
She lays down.
I put my pajama on.
[laughter]
Which I say--
It's just a T-shirt.
Because about a year ago
it hit me
that a man in his mid-30s
who just wears a T-shirt
to bed...
is fucking hilarious.
There's a lot of fun moments.
Like, "Hey, what's that
noise outside?"
You know,
you're running around...
Wake up in the morning.
"Hey, who's up?"
You know?
Turns out,
not only is it hilarious,
also fucking comfortable.
So we go to bed.
She falls asleep just like
[snaps] Ohh...
Just...[snaps]
If I was left-handed,
that would be so...
[snapping]
[snaps]
That.
She falls asleep,
and when I feel that...
kind of limbo out of bed,
head downstairs,
open up a bottle of whisky,
and I started Google searching
doctors' email addresses
looking for that doctor
who said that I don't know
what dicks look like.
Dr. John, we'll call him,
because legally,
I've been told
not to say his name.
And when you're looking for
Dr. John's email address,
there's no contact page
in the hospital's website
where they're like, "Oh, we want
you to reach out to our surgeons
and talk to 'em."
They don't want that.
You gotta go deep.
You gotta go three hours
of Google searching deep
where, at one point,
what happened to my T-shirt?
Oh, it's in the backyard.
When was I outside?
And there it is, on the 30th
page of Google search
for Dr. John's email address,
there it is--
A "New York Times" article
about miscarriages,
and you're goddamn right
I read it.
Nowhere in that article does it
mention his email address.
But guess what--
There's 14 comments.
Ah, better take a look.
12th comment down.
No words.
Just a link.
A link to a PDF document.
Something that nobody
in their right mind
would ever click on.
A URL to a PDF.
And you're goddamn right
I clicked on that.
And there in that PDF document
was Dr. John's email address.
And as we all know, you can't
copy and paste out of a PDF
because they just don't
want you to.
So you've gotta handwrite
that shit
and then re-type it
into an email
like our goddamn forefathers
used to do!
And it was a simple email.
Very simple.
Subject line:
Let me know if you're hiring.
[laughter]
Body of the email:
Three things.
First thing:
Picture of my son's dick.
Obviously.
Second thing: YouTube link
to a Shawn Kemp highlight reel
mentioning that I have seen
the Reign Man rain down
into a urinal.
Under that...
picture of my dick.
Hand-drawn.
Hand-drawn to scale
with a mountain
and a sun behind it.
For perspective.
Thank you guys so much.
Thank you, Portland, Oregon!
Thanks for coming out.
Thank you very much, sir.
Take care!
[mellow synthesizer notes]
♪ ♪
- ♪ He's a good guy ♪
♪ ♪
[audience chanting]
- Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick!
Nick, Nick, Nick Nick,
Nick, Nick...
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you guys for coming, and
thank you to my beautiful wife
who, somehow, is still here...
here tonight.
Thank you guys very much.
- ♪ He's a good guy ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
- Nick Thune!
[chortles]
- ♪ Ooh ooh ♪
- Nick Thune!
[laughing]
Nick Thune!
[chortling]
Nick Thuuuuune!
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hah-hah-hah!
- ♪ He's a good guy ♪
