-Hey, everyone.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
My name's Jimmy Fallon.
Thank you so much for watching.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys,
if you haven't heard already,
today we got some big news
from New York's
attorney general.
-Just a few minutes ago,
my office filed a lawsuit
against the
National Rifle Association
to dissolve the organization
in its entirety.
-Wow. The NRA,
as we know it, could be gone.
Aww.
Thoughts and prayers.
[ Laughter and applause ]
We'll work on helping,
but not now.
It's just too soon.
Yeah, right now, the NRA is
in so much trouble,
even Trump is afraid
to wish them well.
When the news broke,
people were shocked,
mostly 'cause this had nothing
to do with Trump.
They're like...
[ Robotically ] "Can't process
[ Laughter ]
news not involving Trump."
That's right, no more NRA,
no more Confederate flags.
This is turning into the worst
year of Ted Nugent's life.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Nugent ]
Please, just let me
keep my truck nuts!
[ Laughter ]
One of the biggest politicians
who received donations
from the NRA is
Senator Mitch McConnell.
That probably explains why,
today, he was seen breathing
into his neck
like it was a paper bag.
[ Laughter ]
Well, after the news broke,
Trump was asked about the NRA
and here's what he had to say.
-I think the NRA
should move to Texas
and lead a very good
and beautiful life.
-Trump was like...
[ As Trump ] We have
to protect the NRA.
I want them to go
down to Disney World
and set up an NRA bubble.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of the president,
his campaign wants to make
some changes
to the debate schedule.
Normally, there's just three,
but check out
what they're proposing.
-The Trump campaign is asking
for a fourth presidential debate
to be held in the
first week of September,
to get ahead of early voting.
-Oh, my God. We're debating
about the debates?!
They haven't even started.
I'm already exhausted.
At this point,
who even needs debates?
Who is undecided?
Who's tuning in like...?
"I wanna see
what this Donald Trump
guy's all about.
[ Laughter ]
Then I'll make my mind up.
I need at least three debates.
[ Sniff ]
Haven't -- Haven't figured out
who I'm goin' for yet.
Then, once I do,
after the third debate,
maybe the fourth one,
then I'll -- then I'll know.
Actually, I don't mind
another debate,
as long as it's just Trump
naming things he sees
in the room.
[ As Trump ]
Podium, moderator, Biden,
camera, TV.
[ Laughter ]
That's the last day
for that joke.
[ Laughter intensifies ]
Well, speaking
of the 2020 election,
it looks like Joe Biden's
whittled down his options
for vice president
to Senator Kamala Harris
and Susan Rice.
Here to comment is
Crystal Washington,
The One Black Woman Joe Biden
Didn't Interview for VP.
-Hi!
Hi, Jimmy!
I can't talk long.
Gotta keep my phone lines
and my Zoom lines open,
'cause I'm waiting
for that veep call.
[ Both chuckle ]
-Hi, Crystal.
You think you're gonna
get a call from Joe Biden?
-Oh, I know I am.
I'm a Black woman
with a phone. I'm just
making sure my ringer's on.
[ Laughter ]
-Not to crush your dreams,
but I don't think you're
in the running
for vice president.
-Ah, trust me, Jimmy.
My friend Corinne got a call,
Monique got a DM,
and someone went to Leslie's
house with a gift basket.
It's only a matter
of time, Jimmy.
-But don't you have to be
in public office
to be considered?
-Jimmy, I have a suit!
I have one in blue.
I have one in red, when
I'm throwing shade,
and I'm more qualified
than ever.
I can code switch
with the best of them. Look.
Oh, no Trump didn't!
I'll work on that.
-Yeah.
Well, I hope he reaches out.
Is your phone on?
-On.
-Internet good?
-Bars.
-Pager?
-What?
-Is your pager on?
-Who uses a pager?
-Biden.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, good point, Jimmy.
Old-school, ready.
-Carrier pigeon?
-She ready, too.
[ Laughter ]
I'm sure I'll hear
sometime today.
And, if that doesn't work out,
I have an offer
to retroactively join
the cast of "Friends."
[ Laughter ]
-[ Clap ] Well, congratulations.
Crystal Washington, everybody.
[ Applause ]
Here's some more
big political news,
and it's not gonna make
the president happy.
-Manhattan district attorneys
have subpoenaed
Donald Trump's long-time lender,
Deutsche Bank,
for financial records related
to him and his company.
-In response, Trump was like...
[ As Trump ] After all
the bankruptcies I've filed,
this is how they treat me?
[ Laughter ]
How is a bank
still lending to Trump?
It's like Avis renting cars
to Hobbs & Shaw.
[ Laughter ]
While Trump's trying
to put all this bad press
behind him,
he's not helping himself.
During a speech today in Ohio,
he tried to talk about Thailand,
but listen
to how he pronounced it.
-Your foreign competitors
moved their factories
to prevent a level playing field
and to avoid liability,
shifting production
to "Thighland"
-Oh, God, no!
-and to Vietnam.
[ Laughter ]
-No. No.
No.
-He says!
-No.
[ Laughter ]
-[ As Trump ]
To quote my good friend,
Thawmas the Thank Engine...
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, last night,
Trump held
another coronavirus
press briefing
and he accidentally called
Dr. Birx, "Dr. Burke," twice.
Well, to defend himself,
Trump put out this video.
Check it out.
-I'm Donald J. Trump,
here to talk
about all my fantastic staffers,
whose names I totally know.
Staffers like
Steve Munchkins.
Dr. Fakey.
Busty Divorcée.
[ Laughter until end ]
Ja-Rule Koosh ball.
KFC McDonald's.
Loser DJ.
John Goodman.
Hannibal Lecter.
The Smothers Brothers.
And, of course,
Mike Penis.
-Oh, no!
[ Laughter ]
-What is he talking?
-KFC McDonald's.
-What is he talking?
-No, no, Loser DJ.
That's the one.
[ Laughter ]
He thinks the guy's name
is Loser DJ.
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys,
as the pandemic rolls on
with no end in sight,
there's only one thing
everyone's looking for,
but no one can find.
-Reuters has learned that
the shortage of Clorox wipes
likely will last into 2021.
-2021?!
Are they making these
or mining them
from a mountain in Madagascar?
[ Laughter ]
That'll be in great in 2021,
when we have a vaccine
and 10 billion
extra Clorox wipes!
[ Striking palm ]
Come on, Clorox, this is it!
This is your big moment!
If there were a dust pandemic,
you think Swiffer would be like,
"Ah, we'll get you next year"?
Swiffer would be on it!
[ Laughter ]
[ Fresh laughter ]
-I'm sorry.
-Wiping your eye...
-I'm sorry!
-...with the mask.
[ Laughter ]
[ Clap ]
But people have been
keepin' busy during this.
In fact,
Nintendo just reported...
You can tell Nintendo's
making a fortune
'cause, in the latest game,
Mario spends an entire level
sitting on a gold bidet.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Mario ]
This-a is the good life.
Yep, Mario and Luigi
aren't even plumbers anymore.
Now, they're
on Martha's Vineyard
with the Winklevoss twins.
[ Laughter ]
[ Clap ]
[ Laughs, snorts ]
And, finally, these days,
it can feel like
there's a lot going wrong
in the world
and sometimes you just wish
you could make it right.
Well, luckily we're able to do
that here at "The Tonight Show."
It's time for
"This Week Made Right."
Check it out.
♪♪
-And here's the Space X
shuttle splashing down.
Right now, Houston's
filling in the astronauts
on what they missed
on Earth,
like coronavirus,
murder hornets,
"Mulan" costing $30
on Disney+.
And they're leaving.
[ Laughter ]
That checks out.
-Welcome back.
This morning, Microsoft says
it is still discussing
a potential purchase of TikTok,
days after President Trump said
he might ban
the popular video app.
Joining me to discuss this,
assistant to the president
Peter Navarro.
Peter, thanks for taking
the time this morning.
[ Disco plays ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-That's right, three
stranded men were saved
after rescuers saw
their message in the sand.
Luckily, they chose a message
that really got the
search team's attention.
