Hey, I want to tell you:
If the great wits of the past
were living today,
and by "great wits of the past,"
I mean the likes of Voltaire,
Alexander Pope, Oscar Wilde, Dorothy Parker, Alexander
Woollcott, H.L. Mencken, Satchel Paige, Yogi Berra,
if those brilliant minds were in this room, 
it would be because they had been making films,
and those films would be
films like The Jerk,
[Audience chuckles]
Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
and Three Amigos.
If you say, "Now I'm sorry Tom, but I have to disagree.
I don't think so."
I would say back to you, in the parlance
of this esteemed honoree,
[Imitating Steve Martin] "Oh yes they wooooould!"
[Audience laughs]
[Normal voice] They would,
because Steve Martin is the equal of
all those stellar minds, all those timeless wits.
Steve Martin has altered the state of comedy for the last
four decades, and imprinted humor for all of time
by his stand-up, his television appearances,
his books, his memoirs, his essays, and his plays.
His output has equaled, even surpassed, 
that of those other classic wits.
And in a career of writing films such as 
those just mentioned and, of course, acting in some,
we have seen here tonight, Pennies from Heaven,
All of Me, Roxanne, Parenthood,
Steve long ago established himself
as a movie making presence of the first order.
Now name the geniuses from
any other era of Hollywood:
Harold Lloyd and Buster Keaton, Preston Sturges,
and W.C. Fields, Blake Edwards, Woody Allen,
pick the decade, with the artists who crafted
the great comedy films and performances,
as well as the surprisingly
astute dramatic stories,
and recognize the place Steve Martin
has earned in the firmament.
He has made films both of his time and of timelessness.
Now, have you heard the joke about the 
professional banjo player who became a millionaire?
He had been a billionaire...
[Audience laughs]
but then he took up playing the banjo professionally.
[Laughter continues]
Steve Martin is both that very man
and his allegorical opposite.
He is currently playing the banjo all over the world
and reaping the benefits of that career choice.
[Audience laughs]
There's another great banjo joke:
Here's something you will never hear in your lifetime: "Oh, that's the banjo player's Tesla."
[Audience laughs]
Steve Martin is also the kid who did 
magic tricks in Disneyland;
who said funny things in smoke-filled clubs
over two shows a night;
who sold out arenas
to thousands of screaming fans;
and whose appearances on TV caused the same
sensation, the same anticipation,
as those of the Beatles;
and who also went on to make classic movies
that will be seen, and studied,
and enjoyed, and laughed at forever.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to 
present this Academy Honorary Award,
in recognition of his 
extraordinary talents,
and for the unique inspiration he has 
brought to the art of motion pictures,
to Mr. Steve Martin
[Applause]
