

### Unintended Heroes

by

### Paul Vayro

Smashwords Edition

### ********

Published by: Paul Vayro on Smashwords

Unintended Heroes

Copyright 2012 Paul Vayro

Smashwords Edition Licence Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

For Charlie, who stayed true to his mind irrelevant of the consequence, and Pauline and Neil. And for those who know a spade is not just a spade, but is anything your imagination can make it.

Contents

Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Three

Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Six

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Chapter Forty

Chapter Forty-One

Chapter Forty-Two

Chapter Forty-Three

Chapter Forty-Four

Chapter Forty-Five

Chapter Forty-Six

Chapter Forty-Seven

Chapter Forty-Eight

Chapter Forty-Nine
Prologue

For those who haven't read T is for Time, the prequel to Unintended Heroes, there is information concerning the Earth they inhabit, and the funny little rock's place in the affections of the universe at large, that you will need to know. It follows this brief blurb. For those who have read T is for Time, ta very much. Glad to see you're still intrigued enough to wander through the sequel. Anyway, you'll have read the next part when perusing the first book, but feel free to view it as a refresher.

The original Earth had been a humble planet in an up and coming area of the universe. Known only for its extensive swimming facilities and glorious golf courses it remained a grade two planet and thus exempt from universal law; grade two being any world that realises life must be out there but not yet in meaningful contact with it. This left the quiet planet exempt from the ongoing debate over language.

Aware that communication is the key to harmony the great minds of the wider ethos had asked if having several languages per planet was such a good idea. How can any global society hope to flourish when one nation is unable to ask another to pass the salt? Taking the question to the highest courts in the universe the discussions continued, mainly over extortionately priced lunches that were entirely tax deductible, and a new law was eventually passed. It declared that any world that came under universal jurisdiction, that being grade three and above, would be limited to only one language.

The lawyers, whose responsibility it became to implement the law, were exhausted once the job was done and booked a well deserved all inclusive golfing holiday on Earth. Pitching and putting their way across Europe and in to China they were horrified as they stumbled across language after language, each mocking their efforts more than the last. Unsure how to even begin sorting such a mess, three languages had been the previous maximum encountered on one planet, the lawyers returned to their superiors with a tale to tell. After several high level lunches, and an emergency dinner, a sub section to the language law was passed: It declared the Earth off limits to any outside attempts at communication, even on its birthday. Were it ever to achieve grade three status i.e. any planet in meaningful contact with at least one other, it would come under the universe's jurisdiction and be forced to use only one language. The admin required for such a task would need a planet to house it, and the cost of lawyers overtime would bankrupt several galaxies. The story however did not end there.

News of the Earth's abundance of languages soon spread across the universe, attracting interest from all quarters. Although everybody was ultimately driven by curiosity, the scientists, wishing to name a law or principle after themselves, claimed theirs to be more worthy and pushed to the front of the queue. Once there they measured, observed and pondered every angle searching for the infamy their great discovery would bring; however when it did come it wasn't from the mind of the dedicated brains that yearned for it so desperately.

'The Unexpected Law of Language Distribution' was the brainwave of Samuel Unexpected, a maths teacher from a neighbouring galaxy. It states that the Earth not only contains every form of communication in the universe but that it does so in their exact proportion. Furthermore the relationship is dynamic and reflects the universe's language distribution at all times e.g. should a French speaking planet conquer an Italian, a group of Italians on Earth will take up a French speaking class.

The man behind the theory, Samuel Unexpected, had never intended to create a law, much to the displeasure of the serious scientists who had dedicated their lives to the problem; scientists as a group were growing increasingly tired of all the great discoveries being made by amateurs and had been wondering if violence wasn't an intelligent solution after all. Samuel had had no desire to steal anyone's thunder. The only reason he even mentioned the idea was to break the ice with a highly attractive physicist. He thought it would be a good joke and starting point for a general chat. Failing to see the humour she took his comment seriously and went straight home to work on the relevant sums. He was as amazed as her when she turned up the next day to tell him his theory was correct. The attractive physicist fell instantly in love with Samuel's brilliant mind and they married two days later. After three weeks he found her lack of humour to be something of an issue, fortunately she'd realised there was no brilliant mind after eight hours and had already left.

With the Earth confirmed as a dynamic, linguistic map of the universe its popularity soared, placing Eric Wazinski and his singing table firmly in the shade. Within months it became the number one holiday destination as crowds flocked to hover above its surface and observe the multi lingual folk below. It became a marketing mans dream as everyone clambered to cash in the oddity.

Over time, as with all planets, the life that had flourished slowly dwindled until the Earth evolved back in to a lifeless rock floating through space. With so much money left to be made from the Earth brand it wasn't long before one enterprising soul saw a way to keep the cash rolling in, and buying the rights to the Earth franchise he offered to re-run the entire cycle of its life on any suitably sized rock a designated distance from a sun. The owner would gain an idyllic home with an in built revenue from tourism, and the universe regained one of its most iconic attractions, only now in infinitely more locations.

As mentioned, Brick and Spiritwind call one of these franchise planets home and were left the duty of saving it from an invading race of aliens in T is for Time. With time stopped, and aliens threatening to relieve the planet of all its tea and coffee, all manner of hilarity ensued. It really is a whizzer of a read, but it's both your choice and right, to jump straight into the sequel. As I was saying, they were helped on this mission by several employees of the Earth franchise, who work under the guise of many of our best known concepts: Fate, Coincidence, Karma etc. How they had come to be in such a profession was as curious as it was unlikely.

The concepts hailed from a planet known as Grinflint: an insignificant rock with no natural resources. Made entirely from marble it had sat as a perfect sphere without undulation, crevice or pebble to interrupt its surface, and had it not floated in the vicinity of Medlock, a planet of such wealth their smallest unit of currency could buy a reasonably priced solar system, it would have remained that way for all time.

Grinflint had been ignored by the Medlockians, until the fashion world decided minimalism was the new everything. Claiming the unoccupied oddity as their own the people of Medlock instructed their staff to load up the luxury crafts, and. within hours the quintillionaires had been chauffeured to the previously pointless ball in space. With little to do but gloat they spent several days showing off the sheer abundance of nothingness to the rest of the universe, before growing restless and deciding minimalism would be far more fun with stuff.

In line with Medlockian culture they decided spending money was the only answer and began importing entertainment and a few home comforts. Importing the social need to outdo each other, along with their vast array of goods, competitiveness soon took hold. When one family grew tired of the flat horizon they installed mountains in the distance, not to be beaten an ocean sprung up in next doors field, quickly followed by the unveiling of an entire forest at number thirty's regular Sunday brunch. The competition continued and the planet blossomed; however achieving such a thing had meant hiring countless admin staff to deal with orders and installation.

Over time the hired help settled on Grinflint, importing their own workers villages to live in, and began raising families. Unfortunately the career options for their offspring were limited: either admin work or table testing: for a species of admin staff the perfect sit was essential. Fortunately for the people of Grinflint the Earth franchise company formed. They required people who excelled in organisational ability to work as concepts and headed to Grinflint. The residents were thrilled to be given a third career choice.

Fate had been put in charge of activating the two in-built heroes that came with the Earth program: Rick and Biritvind. Unfortunately the combination of a fax machine running low on ink and his brother, Coincidence's, dedication to his work meant the fully trained saviour's next door neighbours were given the task instead: Brick and Spiritwind, two hapless misfits who considered the term a compliment.

As you are reading a sequel it's fair to assume you've worked out that success was achieved. This isn't a post-modern tale with the resonating message that evil usually does pretty well in real life. This is escapism, so good has to win. It's a rule, and everyone knows it, even evil.

The Heroic Guild of all Things Heroic and Splendid was set up to rub the face of bad into the dusty remains of whichever plot had last been foiled. Membership of such came through the award of Grade One Hero Status, the standard qualification for anybody saving a planet. At the end of T is for Time Brick and Spiritwind had returned home from a party to discover their welcome pack in the hall, along with a voucher for a free six inch pizza with every order over thirty pounds and three different taxi numbers. We pick up their lives a few short weeks later.

Contents
Chapter One

"You're fired!"

"Ha, ha." Spiritwind Jones offered Brick a playful kick to accompany the news their boss had imparted.

"You're fired too Mr Jones. I didn't invite you here just to gloat over your friend's misfortune."

"Oh." Spiritwind took back his kick with a nonchalant face; Brick added a smug grin as garnish before raising what he believed was an essential point.

"Technically Mr Doyle you can't actually fire us. You can only return us to our agency with a shake of the head and thorough disapproval."

"Sending you back to your agency with a shake of my increasingly infuriated head simply would not cover the level of annoyance you've caused me in the three days you've been here." Mr Doyle grew slightly red as he spoke. "Now, we're in my office and I can say and do whatever I like, and I'd really like to say that you are both fired." Displeasure boiled to polite anger.

"Could I ask why?" Spiritwind required a reason.

"You just did mate." Brick required a slap for pedantic behaviour.

"Well I had to ask in order to ensure I could ask."

"Then should you not have also requested permission to ask if you could ask?"

"I suppose by my own rules then yes, but you're forgetting...."

"Shut up, shut up, shut up." Mr Doyle rubbed the top of his increasingly bald head. It was all he could do to stop his hands reaching out to the pair's throats. "Why does everything have to turn in to a mindless debate?"

"Because Mr Doyle all too often in life we let the small things pass us by when in truth they are the most important things in disguise." Brick looked wistfully towards the picture of Mr Doyle and his area manager. The windy day it was taken on had done nothing to improve either man's image.

"How enlightening Mr Wall. Perhaps you should write a book and try to sell it to people who give a crap."

"As much as I appreciate the career advice Mr Doyle I'm not sure it should be expressed with such language." Brick sensed a man on the edge of flying into a rage, a curious beast that should be teased to the exact point of snapping before being allowed to calm down.

"No need for......I'll give you no need." Mr Doyle wagged his finger to release some of his fury. Brick was about to query exactly what being given 'no need' would entail. The question was deflected by Spiritwind pulling a hand sized slice of gateaux from his pocket. He was considering the best angle to attack it from when Mr Doyle noticed. "What are you doing?"

"I'm having a snack. You two seem to be getting on fine without me." Half the slice disappeared.

Mr Doyle's crimson tint increased as the little hair he had grew ever more flustered. "And where did you get this 'snack' from?"

"The waste trolley." Cream remained on Spiritwind's top lip as he swallowed the majority of the treat.

"The waste trolley you were instructed to dispose of and under no circumstances eat from? The trolley you are being sacked for eating from?"

"That's the one. You wouldn't really sack someone for eating something that's being thrown away would you?"

"I've just done it. Am I the only person in this room that's actually listening to this conversation?"

"It would appear you're not listening very well yourself Mr Doyle. I think we previously established that you haven't fired us, you've merely sent us....."

"I don't care, alright!"

"Now that's not a very professional attitude Mr Doyle." Brick risked an actual punch.

"And sleeping in the skips is Mr Wall?"

"I'd like to reiterate that they were purely cardboard skips. Such material, in such quantity, makes a more than suitable mattress." Brick felt this somehow justified his daily naps amongst the rubbish.

"If it's going in the bin what does it matter if it ends up in my mouth instead?" Spiritwind wished to raise a legal point.

"Because it's the rules." Mr Doyle added bewilderment to his rage.

"Sometimes Mr Doyle we have to question the intention behind the rule before blindly following it. The rule is never our master but merely the messenger to keep us from harm. Should we not be free to interpret that message in any way we see fit?" Brick verbally offered his chin to the waiting fist, of his ex-boss.

Mr Doyle could hardly speak as his face contorted through various emotions, all negative and rooted in inflicting pain on the duo. "Interpret......why.....what......Get out." He settled on removing them from his sight instead of risking a lengthy prison term.

"I think I've proved my point. Come on Spiritwind. Let's leave Mr Doyle to contemplate the message we've brought him." The pair rose and left the office, waving goodbye as they went. The door closed behind them to the sound of several pens striking the other side, followed by a gentle weeping.

Mr Doyle sat in his office with his head in his hands for the remainder of the morning; gibbering various insults and re-enacting the violence he wished to inflict upon the pair he'd let go. Had somebody told him the duo had in fact saved the Earth from invading aliens only a week hence he would probably have thrown that person out of his office too, but it was the truth.

Unrecognised and ridiculed rather than believed, Brick and Spiritwind had found themselves in the same situation as before their adventure. With bills to pay they had returned to their temping agency for work. It was the second job they'd lost in a week. Not that they let it get them down. Instead they wandered through the streets of Puddleton in the general direction of home, pondering their options.

"So what should we do with this unexpected day of freedom?" Brick revelled in the return of his own clothes to his tall yet slender frame. The rigid uniform of capitalist oppression had been choking the very freedom from his soul, and making his legs itch a little.

"Perhaps we should knock on at They's house. See if he can offer any inspiration." Spiritwind took another slice of gateaux from nowhere in particular.

"Sounds like we have a plan."

The pair strolled aimlessly towards They's house, discussing the world with a wisdom no scholar was interested in. The weather became a brief focus. The winter nip had increased. Not enough to force Brick to add an extra layer of clothing to his cardigan, or Spiritwind to his T-shirt, but its presence was noted. Soon the daylight would grow shorter as the sun spent more of its time shining on the other side of the globe.

Arriving at They's house Brick depressed the doorbell and awaited their host. They worked as one of the concepts that came with the Earth franchise. His duties were to spread myths and rumours around the world, ensuring humans always had something to talk about. After being involved in Brick and Spiritwind's previous success the trio had formed a bond that could easily be fashioned into friendship. They, opened the door and offered his usual warm but slightly preoccupied welcome.

"Morning. Come in, come in. I thought you were working today?" He didn't await the answer, strolling towards the living room backwards in order to maintain eye-contact. Thoughts could be seen dashing across his face. "Fate's here; popped round for some cake and a chat." They continued to rub his head in the hope it would remind him where he was up to with whatever he'd been thinking about. The human duo followed, although Spiritwind lagged behind. They's hallway was lined floor to ceiling with books, a decorative theme that ran throughout the house. Spiritwind scanned the shelves while Brick entered the hub of the home to fulfil the social duties. He answered They's work based query as he entered the lounge.

"We've been sent back to our agency in a thoroughly disapproving manner." Brick still refused to label their departure as being sacked. "Morning, Fate."

"You disapprove of the manner you've been sent back in?" They attempted to clear up the ambiguity.

"No. Although now you mention it yes. Our boss disapproved of our behaviour." Brick took the empty armchair as his seat, leaving They on his favourite thinking chair and Fate on one end of the sofa.

"So you were sacked?" Fate risked Brick's ire.

"Technically only the agency can sack us. Let's just say we no longer work at Squintock's emporium. How's Karma? Still fallen out?"

"No. We're fine. Why? What have you heard?" Karma was Fate's girlfriend and had a notoriously fickle mood. Her often forays in to anger were usually blamed on Fate; his obliviousness as to why was never ample defence.

"Nothing, it's just last time we spoke you seemed to be having a disagreement. Anyway how have you been? We've not spoke for ages."

"We were at the same party two days ago. We spoke for a good twenty minutes about nothing in particular." Fate ran Karma's mood through his mind. He felt sure everything had been okay that morning.

"Were you at that party? I'm a bit blank on it. I remember turning up, and falling down the steps on the way out, but everything in between is gone."

"It was at my house."

"Oh."

"Can I borrow this?" Spiritwind appeared around the doorframe. He was holding a book titled 'All the Things That Spin', and aiming his question at They; who still looked confused.

"Of course. It's good. Key to the universe is in there."

"You said that about 'Ponies that Smoke.' Morning, Fate. Karma still in a mood?"

"No. Why does....Morning." Fate gave up and checked his phone for any messages.

"Obviously Ponies that Smoke is a bit more subtle about revealing the key to the universe but it's in there, or am I thinking of 'Horses that Don't?"

Spiritwind sat on the other end of the settee. Fate distracted himself from anything Karma based, delving further into the pair's morning. "So why were you sent back to your agency in a thoroughly disapproving manner?"

"For exercising our rights to the basic needs of man. Honestly, when the corporations stranglehold on our very liberty grows so strong it is surely time...."

"Did you go to sleep when you should have been working?" Fate interpreted the rant to perfection.

"That is how the fat cats chose to label my contemplation time."

"And did you eat some of the stock?" Fate turned to the bald companion.

"Eummpghh," It was the only noise that could escape past the final piece of liberated gateaux.

"How's the hero life then?" Fate moved the topic of conversation along. He could see Brick had a pointless rant brewing. It was diverted seamlessly.

"Marvellous. Except I can only gloat to Spiritwind and he doesn't care."

"I don't." The gateaux had gone. Only crumbs were evidence it had ever existed.

"I keep telling people but they don't believe me. One girl phoned the police. Is it that ridiculous to think we saved the world?" Fate dodged the question and offered advice instead.

"The true reward of heroics lies in the satisfaction you feel, not the glory others heap on to you."

"I'm satisfied. I'd just like to be satisfied with a pile of cash and a few ladies to go with it." Brick began scouring They's shelves as he sat. They were impossible to ignore, and even harder not to be drawn in to.

"Or even this month's rent and an alluring glance from the girl on the till at Allsorts' Bazaar." Spiritwind tailored his ambitions nearer the achievable.

"That reminds me. I took a look at the note you gave me." Fate aimed his sentence at Brick. It was the first Brick had heard of it. "The note you gave me at the party."

"Oh the note." Brick felt obliged to play along, all the time panicking. He'd been working on an elaborate pulling technique involving a note. He hoped he hadn't implemented it at the party in question.

"You told me you'd lost it." Spiritwind joined in. Brick was still unsure which note was in question. He searched for further information under the guise of manners.

"Don't interrupt Fate while he's talking. I apologise for my eager friend. Carry on with the words you were using."

Fate expressed his own confusion. He hadn't even been about to talk. He was busy removing the note from his pocket. As the metallic envelope came into view Brick felt relief. It was the note the duo had received in the post upon returning home after saving the Earth.

"So you've heard of the Heroic Guild?" Spiritwind spoke. Brick wondered what had happened to his other note. A memory of a disappointed girl holding a piece of paper appeared in his mind, offering no clue as to when it may have been. Brick tried to remember the last time he'd attended a Calypso party. The girl's grass skirt had no other explanation.

"Everyone who knows anything about the wider universe knows about The Heroic Guild of all Things Heroic and Splendid. Only thing is it didn't say what you said it did, Brick."

Brick nodded, nonchalantly masking his panic. "Remind me what I said it said again?" Maybe he had passed Fate his chat up note after all. Being aware of the power it held Brick feared Fate was about to declare his undying love. Karma would hate him and he'd be stuck with a boyfriend. Brick didn't even want a heavy relationship never mind the love of somebody from a gender he didn't fancy.

"You said it was a welcoming note from The Guild."

"And what does it actually say?" Brick tensed as he awaited the end of his days of chasing women. With no knee caps and a jealous boyfriend he could never flirt unsuccessfully with random ladies again.

"I'll read it shall I?" Fate opened the envelope and poured the silken puddle in to his waiting hand. The information trickled like the purest spring. Brick curled up wondering why Fate would want to publicly humiliate him in such a way? "It says:

Dear Mr Jones and Mr Wall

An urgent gathering has been called for all grade one heroes and above. The assembly will take place on Velos 19 in the Plotlinius system in the Galaxy of Intertextuality. Your universe needs you and your heroic powers more than ever before. If you require transport press the small box below, next to the phrase 'I need transport to Velos 19 for the urgent gathering'. We will contact you with further details soon.

Yours

Irish Delirium

"Well that isn't half as romantic as I remember writing it." Brick emerged from his position, confused but warming to the idea of growing old with Fate.

"Who's Irish Delirium?" Spiritwind ignored Brick and followed his own line of questioning. They answered in his inimitable style.

"Irish Delirium is a legend, a myth, an ideal. More than a collection of atoms strung together in the shape of a mountain of a man. Irish is the only breathing being to hold the highest achievable grade of hero: grade five. He leads the Hero's Guild from the front with the experience of a man who has seen tyranny at its worst, once single-handedly saving the universe from the efforts of Verros Flexx." Fate nodded in agreement, an expression of pride on his face.

"So we're not in love?" Brick slowly realised something else was going on and maybe he should stop thinking of themed table centres for a gala wedding. Only puzzled looks returned in his direction. Spiritwind took the note and read it again, then spoke.

"Are we definitely grade-one heroes?" Spiritwind double checked the entry requirements; he didn't want a repeat of the whole university fiasco.

"It's the standard reward for saving your own planet." Fate still looked proud, and a little worried at Brick's confused staring.

"Fancy an adventure?" Spiritwind turned to Brick. The query snapped him out of his daydream.

"Always."

"I guess we're going then." Spiritwind requested a lift with a flourish.

"Sorry. What are we doing?" Brick felt he'd definitely missed something important.

"We're off on a mission to save the universe."

"You know it could be dangerous." Fate felt obliged to offer some warning.

"How dangerous can it be on a planet full of heroes? All we have to do is show our faces at the right times and places, look a little busy, and everyone will get on with the real heroics around us." Spiritwind applied the pair's work ethic.

"Leaving us free to talk to the lady heroes. There will be lady heroes won't there?" Brick was over his brief foray into the world of homosexuality.

"I'd expect so." Fate didn't see why not.

"They are in for a treat." Brick settled into his mind, imagining himself at the centre of various laser battles, demonstrating gymnastic skills that came naturally in the heat of battle. Spiritwind imagined the cake they'd get to celebrate saving the universe. Fate decided to give Karma a quick ring to check things were really okay, and They finally remembered what he'd been trying to remember, but could no longer recall why he needed to know it. It was a room of intrigue in a multitude of forms.

Contents
Chapter Two

Hugo Cortizone stood atop the burning remnants of Straven Blade's wilting castle. The hero's silhouette flickered against the flames that consumed the failed efforts of evil. Hanging from the hero's leg: a fair maiden; she glanced upwards and knew that this time the love she felt was real.

The tower she'd been held in for weeks was the only part of the castle still free from fire. Looking down she saw Straven Blade hanging from the window sill she'd spent so long staring from, hoping to be saved. 'Now who's in control'? She thought to herself.

Hugo looked up to the smoke filled sky, listening acutely. He awaited the arrival of his ship: Chieftains Desire. It hurtled towards them on auto pilot, timing its appearance for maximum effect.

The strain of balancing on one leg reminded Hugo of the damsel that hung from his other strongly crafted limb. He'd been intending to pull her to safety, but a moment's posturing within such a scene of carnage was too much to miss. He'd become sidetracked with thoughts of which month the image would suit best on his latest calendar. Preparing a one line quip to go with the final act of rescuing the lady, Hugo paused as the weight quadrupled, quickly followed by a scream that can only be produced with intense training and digital quality recording equipment. Hugo peered down to see Straven hanging from the maiden's leg.

Chieftains Desire slipped through the smoke and skidded to a halt, dropping a rope ladder and appearing to wink smugly. Hugo calmly reached out his barrel sized arms and took a firm hold of a rung. The maiden announced her grip was loosening, but Hugo had already noticed Straven's miscalculation when leaping on to the lady's ankle: the tyrant was battling with his own grip. Straven could barely complete the various witty, threatening sentences he'd prepared.

The beast slipped further down the perfectly sculpted calf of the damsel, quickly finding himself at the shoe: an easily removable item that should never be used to support your weight when dangling a mile above burning rubble. Hugo swung casually away from the building, transferring the unlikely trio's weight to the rope ladder at the exact moment the tower collapsed. Hugo looked down and locked eyes with his opponent; Straven knew he was beaten, although his rage was far from quelled. As the shoe came loose the evil-doer let out one final Hugo based curse, taking the high heel as his only reward. The two sides of good and evil maintained eye contact until Straven's soul became enveloped by flames. 'Straven Blade, you're fired'. Hugo smiled to himself, mainly at his wit. Straven had no such employment based retort as the remainder of the tower followed his path to the floor. Inevitability suggested its impact would finish the fatal job the fall had begun.

With unerring timing Hugo grabbed the maiden's wrist just as her grip gave way. He pulled her towards his ample chest as the ladder retracted into the ship. Love poured from her eyes, only a sigh could escape her mouth.

"Are you okay Madam?" With the final rungs of the ladder safely inside, the door closed without effort. The sound of carnage disappeared, replaced by cream carpeting and walls, and sleek, black furniture.

"I am now." As Hugo placed the girl on her feet she swooned back in to his arms. He scooped her up and lay her down on a particularly comfy looking sofa in the living area of his craft. Hugo strode defiantly to the front of the ship, entering the control room.

"Take us somewhere safe from the evil that plagues our universe Chieftain. I've smelt enough harm for one day."

"Already plotted and on our way sir." The ship spoke back with a level of honour reserved for war heroes being played by noble actors.

Hugo picked up an all purpose cloth and began wiping away the ash of his latest adventure. His blonde locks remained buoyant yet singed at the ends. His red, skin-tight, lycra suit had charred in a pattern suggesting honour above pride. His ten foot frame of bulging defiance would show the bruises in a day or two's time, but for now he had admin to sort.

"Chieftain; call HQ". Hugo sat down and looked thoughtfully out of the window. It was a good pose. He made a mental note to try and recreate the emotion at his next photo shoot.

"Pleasant sequin. This is the Hero's Guild of all Things Heroic Splendid. My name is Tortilla and I will be dealing with your call today. If I could take your name and hero number I'd love to get started helping you in any way I can."

"Hero number 4.4, same as my grade. Cortizone's the name, Hugo stands before it. I'm calling to report the demise of Straven Blade. A brave man with many qualities I'm proud to share, it's just a shame he was misguided. He would have made a fine hero." Hugo bit his knuckle for added emotion. "His efforts to colonise the idyllic planet of Cavalier Embrace have come to nothing, thanks to the good in the universe. I'm just proud to be its tool."

"Hu....Hugo Cortizone. Is that really you?" Tortilla would have fallen off his chair if he wasn't paralysed with awe.

"In the flesh, son."

"I feel so honoured. This is the greatest day of my life." A tear appeared in the corner of the call centre worker's eye.

"The honours all mine Tortilla. I'm proud to stand by anybody who plays even the smallest role in keeping our fine universe safe, especially the radio operators. After all, communication is the key to peace, and you guys are right there on the front line."

"You said my name. Hugo Cortizone said my name. Chop my ears off. I want it to be the last thing I ever hear."

"Keep calm son. I know how great I am but I'm just a man, a man beyond measure, but a man all the same." Hugo tensed his bicep and gave it an adoring glance.

"Of course sir. I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I'm just adding Cavalier Embrace to your list of planets, if I can find room that is. Crikey this is a long list."

"It's not about the numerous planets I've saved, or even the numerous galaxies, but it's the lives that can now flourish without the threat of evil hanging over their shoulder. Every one of those lives is as important to me as yours. That's the secret to being a good hero Tortilla: humility. I may be the epitome of what a conscious being can be, but I never forget all you people that just aren't as good as me. They're what truly matter. They are my strength." Hugo closed his eyes and let the beauty of his own speech sink in. Only a loving sigh returned across the airwaves in response.

"Before you go sir, and my life goes in the only direction it can after the peak it just experienced...."

"What is it Tortilla my old buddy?"

The thud of Tortilla falling from his chair rung around the hull, followed by the sound of Tortilla clambering back to his seat. "Erm...would you be able to pick up a few lucky, lucky passengers on your way to the urgent gathering on Velos 19?"

"Send the details to Chieftains navigation system. I'll be more than happy to."

"We knew we could count on you.....Hugo." He risked reciprocal familiarity.

"Anytime. Over and out."

"Does that offer extend to me?" Hugo spun in his chair to find the recently rescued damsel fully awake and without any thoughts of rest on her mind. "The anytime comment that is, not the over and out part." She didn't believe in the mixed signal school of seduction.

"You've been through quite an ordeal ma'am. Your fine body and mind may appreciate a little more rest."

"There's only one thing I want to appreciate right now and it has nothing to do with resting." She moved towards him expressing her wanton desire with every step, oozing the passion of a woman who'd been close to death but survived with her hair maintaining its natural bounce and style.

"I feel it's my duty to warn you. The experience of nearly dying before being rescued can lead to confusion and rash decisions being made. You're prone to do things you would normally never consider. It's similar to being drunk." The urgency in Hugo's voice elevated as his morals came under pressure from his subconscious desires.

"Then pour me another drink you muscular titan of desire." She punctuated her sentence with a lunge, attaching her limbs to various parts of Hugo's body and gripping tightly.

"With lines like that how can I refuse? No, no I really shouldn't ma'am. It would be taking advantage." Hugo tried to remain an inactive participant in the proceedings until the damsel, tired of his protestations, massaged a delicate part of his leg with her one remaining heel. The effect was instantaneous. "Well if you're going to insist."

The auto pilot took over and read through the data it had been sent by The Hero's Guild. It set a course for its new passengers, taking in the planet Delight before heading to an Earth franchise planet in an obscure wing of the universe. Only time could tell how the group would gel, but time is renowned for keeping all the juicy gossip to itself.

Contents
Chapter Three

'The universe is mine; when will the rest of its population realise this fact?'

Dollop read the sign for the umpteenth time. It was attached to the wall directly opposite his seat and had become his comfortable space to stare at in a corridor filled with eyes looking for any hint of aggressive contact they could seize upon. It was in no way the first time Dollop had awaited a job interview in such circumstances, and the realist inside told him it wouldn't be the last. In his younger days he had taken the bait and become involved in the occasional brawl, but the time of nervous energy and the need to prove his mettle had long since passed. He'd been in the henchman business long enough to know the only person you need to impress is the megalomaniac looking to hire.

The seating arrangements did little to ease the tension: face to face the candidates waited on small plastic chairs squeezed too close together; although in the world of eleven foot tall humanoid structures of raw muscle everything is too small and close together. Dollop's gorilla based skull huffed. It was growing increasingly hot. A bead of sweat ran across the scar that slashed diagonally across his entire face, the long healed wound served to misalign his features just enough to notice something was wrong, but nobody dared look twice to try and work out what.

After several hours the queue had dwindled until only Dollop remained. Nobody who had entered the interview room had returned. The henchman hoped the entrance wasn't the only exit.

The process had been quickened by the inevitable eruption of a fight. Asked to leave, the three hopefuls had failed at the first hurdle in the race to help conquer good.

Dollop pondered back to the time when it had been his dream to help evil seize a town or even a country. Nowadays even the thought of taking over a galaxy didn't interest him. It had become a job, an easy way to earn money until somebody saw fit to publish his memoirs. He'd recently branched out into children's books but was struggling to find an agent with a decent sense of irony.

Dollop was good at his job, even though his heart was no longer in it. His C.V. boasted hundreds if not thousands of campaigns, all ending in failure once the local hero got wind of the plan; however Dollop's longevity stemmed from an ability to know when the game was up. He'd seen countless peers perish as they braved one last stand against the hero's well timed arrival. It was always pointless. They were after the evil genius behind the ploy and they would get him whether the henchmen offered one final obstacle or not.

Dollop's approach should not be mistaken for cowardice, but acknowledged as wisdom. He had taken on many heroes and come away with pride, but the balance of the universe rests on the good guys eventually winning. Dollop understood that couldn't be changed no matter how ferocious a warrior he proved to be. The only danger he risked was to see a boss survive to learn of his henchman's abandonment. The pursuit for revenge would be relentless, but Dollop's intuition had yet to err.

"Mr Chi will see you now." The receptionist took time out from her magazine to inform Dollop he could go in. He peeled himself from his chair and approached the entrance. A few bolts of cramp remained within his muscles.

The nondescript door did its duty and opened. Dollop tentatively peered into the room it had been concealing. Only darkness peered back. Entering slowly the candidate's eyes adjusted to the light and made out two large, metallic chairs in the centre of the seemingly vast room, one facing the back of the other. Dollop walked towards them, the faint blue light giving little indication of what to expect.

Arriving at the nearest chair he heard a preparatory clink of metal before the chair opposite spun to face him. Sat in it was a two foot tall humanoid, fully clad in a suit of armour more at home in the days of round tables and wizards. The armour spoke with a deep, gravel-like sense of foreboding.

"You are Dollop?" The figure remained perfectly still.

"I am." Dollop answered as a reflex. He instantly began to feel uncomfortable. A sense of anxiety wondered if he'd locked his front door; and if not who would be waiting for him upon his return? He snapped back to reality, remembering he was an enormous and ferocious creature that didn't have to concern himself with such things. The armoured helmet focused on the beast, watching closely for any reaction. It didn't speak until Dollop returned his gaze.

"Gooooooood." Nobody knew why this was good. "My name is...." A pause followed as the shielded head looked towards a booth over Dollop's shoulder. With a subtle nod the armour leapt to its feet and stood at full height. "INSIDIOUS CHI!" The entire back wall of the room ignited in fifty foot flames. The armour stared towards the ceiling, arms aloft. The light flickered across the shiny outfit before dying back down. By the time Dollop had got over the surprise, Insidious Chi, or Sid for the purposes of informality, was sat once more, calm and formal. "Please take a seat." Sid gestured for Dollop to sit opposite. The henchman never knew what to expect from the countless megalomaniacs he had worked with, and Sid was continuing that theme of eccentricity to perfection.

"Thank you." Dollop maintained his polite and unfazed exterior, yet inside he was still shaking from the unexpected burst of anxiety. He settled in to the chair, pleased for any alternative to the torture he'd been sat on in the corridor.

Sid whipped out a clipboard and pen from behind his back. Crossing his legs, the miniature knight began the questioning. "So tell me.....Dollop. What qualities would you bring to my operation?" Sid tapped the pen against his helmet, all the time looking deep into Dollop's psyche.

"Well as with any job I take the basics very seriously indeed. I'm a strong believer in punctuality, and it would take actual death before I'd even consider ringing in sick." Dollop's usual interview patter fell effortlessly from his lips, but once more his thoughts drifted away from him. The front door of his house no longer concerned him. Simply making it safely to it began to consume his mind. The walk home slowly filled him with dread, every corner becoming a place for someone with dastardly intentions to leap out on him. His heartbeat quickened, his temperature rising for good measure. He put the thoughts to one side and continued to answer. "As you can see from my face my appearance can be somewhat intimidating, to lesser mortals than yourself of course." Dollop tried to offer an appeasing smile while also demonstrating how terrifying he could be. The result was a half grimace with soft eyes. Sid made a few notes before continuing.

"Why should I hire you over anyone else?" Sid leaned closer, increasing the intensity of his stare; an impressive achievement for an expressionless helmet.

"Erm....." The anxiety edged towards panic as each of Dollop's deepest self doubts came to the surface. His every concern blocked his mind, stopping coherent thought as he was forced to deal with long held worries. Not owning a home had been a lifestyle choice but suddenly it represented a lack of drive and ambition. He had no assets of worth, what would he leave to his children? His age ran over and over in his mind. Suddenly it became a hindrance, a reminder of the little he'd achieved rather than the insignificant number he wrote on various forms. Fighting through the doubt Dollop battled to clear his mind and offer up an answer to Sid's standard query. With Herculean effort he forced out a response. "....experience, work ethic, and I can hit things really hard for a very long time." As the helmet turned away all concerns disappeared. The five seconds it had taken to answer had felt like an age to Dollop. He shuddered, breathing heavily as confusion and fear left his body. He managed to hide the true effect of the experience from Sid, who was busy making further notes. The megalomaniac eventually looked up.

"Goooooooood." Sid was impressed with Dollop's ability to handle the pressure. He waited as the henchman took a sip of water from a glass on the arm of the chair. As the empty container was returned to its place Sid continued, oblivious to any curious goings on. "You are older than many of my other applicants. Are your thoughts not turning to settling down with your own empire?"

"Not at all." Dollop knew where the questioning was leading. A megalomaniac's biggest fear is that the muscle he hires realise they could just overpower him and take everything for themselves. Realising Dollop's intelligence it was a concern previous employers often raised. "I'm a humble man with humble ambitions and have no desire to lead an attempted coup if you succeed."

"IF? Don't you mean WHEN!" Sid stood on his chair, activating the wall of flame once more. It took the tyrant by surprise, causing a slight wince. The minion hired to push the button had been instructed to do so whenever Sid stood and raised his voice. He was unaware of the error as Sid threw an infuriated stare in his direction.

"When, of course, when. That's what I meant." Dollop reacted with appeasement over battle. As small as Sid was he knew the power of pure will stretched far beyond any limitations genetics may wish to impose. On top of this the remnants of fear still coursed through his veins.

As Sid ranted in the button pushing minion's direction, Dollop took a moment to consider his situation. He knew the niggling sense of terror had nothing to do with nerves or the things he was thinking. His suspicions lay firmly with the humanoid before him, but he could see no explanation. Dollop had faced down armies on his own, so how a stare from a midget nearly reduced him to tears was beyond him.

Had Dollop known Sid was the embodiment of irrational fear things would have been clearer, but for now Sid was keeping the secret to himself, and using his genetic quirk as an interview aid to test each applicant's resilience.

The quirk in question meant every cell of Sid's two foot frame was saturated with baseless fear. The slightest glimpse of the form he kept hidden behind his armour would bring every misperceived danger you'd ever pondered crashing into stark reality, flooding your mind as though the very worst had come true. Prolonged exposure led to vulnerability so deep it infected the soul, becoming one with everything you are, were, or ever hoped to be. The only escape lay in voluntary paralysis of the mind.

For Sid, a two foot tall man in his chosen profession of violence it was a definite advantage; however it hindered many of his day to day aspects of life, hence the suit of armour. The weekly food shop was a nightmare with the store emptying in terror every time he visited. He may have designs on the universe but he was more than willing to pay for his groceries. He'd never live it down at the megalomaniac society if he turned up with a conviction for shoplifting.

"Hmmmmmm." Sid paced around the seat section of the chair that dwarfed him, rubbing his chin and throwing the occasional glance in Dollop's direction. He'd been impressed with the veteran's handling of the bursts of fear he'd been unleashing. Sid believed in testing ability rather than looking at references and certificates from Evil University. Realising there's only so long tension can be stretched before it becomes boredom, Sid spoke. "I've been impressed by your performance.....Dollop. After reading your C.V I was eager to meet someone who had survived for so long in our world, an exponent of the old ways. Meeting you has not dampened my belief that you are someone I can work with. Experience is priceless in these situations and you have an intimidating amount. NOT that I'm intimidated by your list, OR any list in the universe...." He leant forward menacingly. "....got that."

"Yes." Sid exposed the slightest of gaps in his helmet, allowing Dollop to see deep into the cavernous dark that lay beyond. A hypnotic glimpse of Sid's unprotected body was the final test. Only one other had made it this far, the others had left in tears long before. Dollop fought with his mind as a barrage of mental angst rushed through his brain, more salient than before, more powerful than any reality he tried to use as defence. Overwhelmed with doubt he teetered on the brink of curling up and crying for his mother, until Sid sat back and released his hold. They were two seconds of unparalleled intensity. Dollop regained his composure and returned Sid's stare, ready for whatever came next. Sid was impressed again.

"I see you have worked on several galactic takeover attempts. How did you find projects of such scale?" Sid continued as normal. Dollop followed his lead.

"Fine." Dollop hung on to his memories, hoping they would cover the cracks in his momentarily scarred mind. "The first time it felt a little ambitious but with good organisation it's no different to any other project."

"I'm particularly interested in your work with Massan Dunoon and his attempted takeover of the galaxy of Alabaster. How did you feel when the mighty Hugo Cortizone arrived?" Sid swung his legs excitedly, ready to hear the tale.

"I felt it was time to settle an old score." Hugo's name channelled Dollop's fear into anger and coherence. His speech grew ever animated as he relayed the tale, touching his scar with the emotion only a memory can bring. "You may have noticed from my C.V that this was the second time I'd faced him. I fought him in my early days when he was still a mere grade one hero. We were both naïve, learning our trade. I had the upper hand and was so engrossed in my inevitable victory I failed to notice a tower block falling towards us. He made some smart comment about a flat before rolling to safety. He left me beneath the rubble with this scar as a memento." Dollop ran his finger across the wound.

"So what happened the second time?" Sid grew increasingly excited, yearning popcorn.

"The second time I was prepared. I stayed focused and again held the upper hand. As I walked towards his prone body, preparing to strike the final blow, I laughed at his misfortune and took a moment to savour the look on his face. It was all the time he needed to find his detonator pen. During our battle he'd scattered explosive buttons on the mountain side we'd careered down. He made some ridiculous quip about rock and roll, it didn't even make sense, before setting off an almighty explosion. The mountain came down on top of me as he again rolled away in the nick of time. He'll never forget me though. During our meet I left him with my own reminder. One of his nostrils is prosthetic. I tore the real one from his face."

Sid clapped giddily. "I'm impressed. Not many have faced Hugo Cortizone and survived, more-so after inflicting such a wound." Sid paused and looked towards Dollop. There was no accompanying sense of fear. That part of the process was over. He intended to offer Dollop the position, but as an evil leader he felt every decision should be delivered with the appropriate weight and tension. It helped maintain his air of importance, but made ordering a pizza an unnecessarily long and drawn out process.

"I'd like to officially offer you the position of co-executive henchman. Interested?"

"I'd be honoured." Dollop felt pleased to have survived never mind got the job.

"Goooooood. I have already hired your partner. You shall work together to form my closest guard. You are my last line of protection and most trusted minions, although I would leave you to die in an instant if it meant my safe escape."

"I'd expect nothing more or less." Normality returned to Dollop's thoughts as his mood lifted. The rent would no longer be a concern.

"Is there anything you'd like to know? Bearing in mind my time is precious and two jogger's nipples and a thousand paper cuts are my idea of a mild rebuke."

"I was just wondering, if it's not too rude to ask, what is the ultimate aim of your mission? It just said 'grand scheme' on the advert." Dollop flinched in case any pain arrived as the answer.

"Why my good fellow, to take over the universe! Hahahahahahaha." Sid threw his head backwards to accompany his well practised evil laugh. Dollop digested the enormity of the news, speaking his reaction out loud rather than keeping it in his thoughts.

"No-one has attempted that since Verros Flexx."

"And where Verros Flexx failed I will succeed." Sid grew increasingly animated. "He came within touching distance of achieving his goal, a goal I have spent millennia studying. I see now the mistakes he made and they will not be repeated. This time it will work, it has to work." The helmet glazed over with personal pride and belief.

"I have heard nothing of an army being amassed. Certainly nothing on the scale required for such an effort." Dollop continued the thinking out loud tone. It seemed to be working well as a means of communicating.

"There will be no army. The logistics of fighting to gain control of something so large are quite frankly not worth the effort. Not to mention the cost of keeping a fighting force of such size. No, my plan is more subtle than you could ever hope to imagine. In fact it is already well under way, which is why I now need further protection. I believe the Hero's Guild have begun to notice something amiss in the stars, although it would take a genius of epic proportions to unravel my plan. That mind simply does not exist. Hahahahahahahaha.......You, are dismissed.....Hahahahahaha...." Dollop sidled back towards the door as Sid awaited his new henchman's exit before leaving his seat. All the evil laughing had begun to play havoc with his throat. Sid imagined the soothing, honey based drink he had waiting for him in his room.

Dollop re-entered the corridor still slightly shaken and concerned at the enormity of what he'd just become part of. Sid appeared to be a confident tyrant, although every job started with the belief they couldn't fail. It took the mind of a hero to exploit the obvious flaw. He knew one would turn up at some point and ruin everything, but for now he focused on the positive: at least it was regular work and a regular wage. He thought about whistling a merry tune as he passed the receptionist. She was too busy reading an article about how certain shoes can make your ankles look thin, to care. Dollop pacified himself with the thought of a trip to the butchers and some celebratory meat. He was going to need all the strength he could get for the coming adventure.

Contents
Chapter Four

"And that's the only reason?" Brick reeled at They's latest revelation.

"Apparently."

"What about...." Brick's question remained unanswered as a fanfare filled the room. All eyes were directed towards Spiritwind. The bald hero ceased moving, mid bite of his cake. He removed the dessert from between his gaping jaws and placed it on to his plate. The plate was rested on the arm of the sofa as the bald man proceeded to search his pockets. Retrieving the envelope at the second attempt, he poured the note in to his hand and opened it. After raising his eyebrows and offering a little nod, he revealed his findings to the room: "It's changed again. It says:

Fellow opposers of evil

Your request for transportation to the urgent gathering of The Hero's Guild has been processed. Be atop Noel Hill as the time reaches ten to ten tonight, where Hugo Cortizone shall make your lives infinitely better by his mere presence. You lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky men will be picked up by the greatest one and delivered safely. Prepare for the greatest moment of your lives.

Yours Jealously

Dolan Beganwa

Head of Transportation Facilitation Implementation."

"Crikey. Hugo Cortizone. You'll be the envy of every being in the universe." Fate looked visibly impressed.

"You say that as though we aren't already." Brick smiled back deluded.

"I feel obliged to inform Karma that she may be able to meet Hugo Cortizone. This could place me firmly in the good books for a week and a day." Fate disappeared, leaving Brick with an obvious question.

"What's all the fuss about Hugo Cortizone?"

"Hugo Cortizone is the pin up of the hero world. He's saved more planets and galaxies than any other hero in existence. He's an unstoppable machine of good, roaming the universe and destroying evil at every turn." They built up a dramatic speech pattern. "Women faint at the mention of his name, men feel proud to share his gender, and non conscious beings wish they could think in order to join in the hype."

"But can he dance all night like a rhythmic God in pursuit of truth?" Brick countered.

"If it meant the universe would be safe Hugo could out dance an eight legged monster of funk."

"Well you certainly like him." Brick opted for scorn over competition.

"It's impossible not to. Not only does he do the job well but he markets how well he does it even better. Planets have been known to offer megalomaniac's tax breaks to live on them, purely in the hope they grow unruly and Hugo has to pay a visit. Out in the universe you can't buy a box of cereal, use a credit card, or even wash your spaceship without his face beaming back at you promoting goodness."

"I see. He's only in it for the money." Brick attempted to claim the moral high ground. Ignorance of his own fiscal complaints kept him there. They attempted to knock him off it with further revelations.

"It's a well known fact that all the money Hugo makes from merchandising, after expenses and running costs are deducted, is given to charity. He's single-handedly funded the regeneration of thousands of planets and galaxies. Everyone knows this which means they're more inclined to buy his things, which funds more projects, makes him more popular, and thus makes people buy more things. It's the proverbial poetry on the move."

"Who lets everyone know about these good deeds funds?" Spiritwind had no food for the moment so used his mouth for questioning.

"His marketing department, and himself in his frequent moments of modesty."

"Something tells me I'm not going to like him." Brick stroked his chin believing it conveyed determination. It looked more like he was trying to find a crumb.

"Apparently he's very friendly, and very hard to dislike." They settled back in to his chair.

"When I set my mind to something I won't be shaken." Brick, coincidentally, found a crumb.

"Even if he is a genuinely nice guy?"

"Especially if he's a genuinely nice guy. Nobody can be that nice. By the power of nonchalance I'll find the secret underbelly that kicks puppies and laughs at old peoples dress sense and expose the truth."

Brick's semi-passionate rally ended, leaving him to search for further crumbs as Fate reappeared.

"Karma is thrilled." Fate rubbed his arm and grimaced slightly.

"Did part of that emotion mean you got a punch in the arm?" Spiritwind read the body language.

"I prefer to think of them as love impacts. I've asked Fut and Coincidence too. I expect Karma will invite Irony. Fut said we can go for pre-mission drinks and nibbles round at his house." Fate remained standing in anticipation of the response to such news.

"Well then I have to ask what we are waiting for." Brick stood, closely followed by Spiritwind and They. Everybody knew there was nothing to rival Fut's parties, and any excuse for an impromptu bash was readily accepted.

Contents
Chapter Five

"Bobby Dazzler. I'm proud to shake the hand of a fellow man of honour." Hugo lowered his ten foot frame to make contact with Bobby's four foot entirety.

"You must be the much spoken of Hugo Cortizone. It's a pleasure to finally meet the man behind the legend."

Hugo stood to his full height, laughed to the ceiling, and spoke to a horizon nobody could see. "We're all legends Bobby. It's just some of us have our status promoted across the universe in a variety of formats by an incredibly effective team of media experts." He flicked his hair in a humble manner. Bobby stepped further into the craft.

Bobby was a pleasant man, humanoid in shape but not in proportion. He stood at four feet and was split roughly one third head, one third torso, and one third legs. He wore a dark green velvet suit topped off by a bright yellow bowler hat. A sense of joy sprang from him, his excessively sized mouth using every inch to convey the feeling.

"What a beautiful ship." Bobby expressed his first impressions.

"Ah yes. The good old Baroda Calypso mark III, or as I affectionately named her: Chieftains Desire." Hugo skipped around as he continued, all the time focusing on an audience that wasn't there. "In the endless quest against all that is wrong I have to be able to out-pace, out-turn, out-skid, out-smirk, and out-accessorise my enemies, which are many."

Bobby ignored Hugo's theatrics and looked around as he strolled. The interior gleamed with hope and achievement. Although compact it gave the feel of space and airiness. The mood lighting reflected the sense of safety it offered. The room they stood in was large, it had to be to accommodate Hugo's bulk, but efficient in its furnishing. A number of doors led away from the main room, all sleek and black with a mirror-like level of reflection. It was everything the number one hero in the universe should drive. Bobby dropped his suitcase in a place least likely to trip anyone over and sat in a chair by a window.

"That's quite a suit you're wearing little fella. How do you find that stands up to fighting bad guys on volcano's? I could give you the name of my own tailor if you wish?" Hugo flexed in and out of various body building postures. The red lycra left little to the imagination, clinging to his body with an air of superiority.

"I'm not sure my physique would be suited to such a garment. I appreciate the offer though."

"Don't worry Bobby, few men's do." Hugo looked very pleased at something. Bobby presumed the ultimate hero was thinking about his own greatness. "I just have to get this baby in the air then we can sit back and share tales of peril and fortitude."

"I'm not sure I have many."

"That's the spirit." Hugo turned and disappeared through the door to Bobby's right. It led to the control room. The little hero moved to the cushioned bench that ran beneath the window. He stared out as the ship left his home planet.

Bobby sat for several minutes appreciating the wonder of the rock he called home until his train of thought was interrupted by the return of Hugo. "The course is set: Earth franchise 4444 is our destiny."

"Are people allowed to visit Earth franchise planets these days? I rarely concern myself with universal politics."

"No. The law remains my friend, and evil still persists in flouting every one we good people set." Hugo ground his fist in to his palm. "Sorry, sometimes emotion gets the better of me. Where was I? Oh yes. This helpless franchise was attacked by mindless alien's hell bent on spreading their negativity, but two brave souls stepped forward and sent them packing. For that they are rewarded with the chance to do the same for their universe. Times are hard my little friend, we need all the help we can gather."

"From what I remember Earth's are the most glorious of planets. I hear life knows no bounds, finding every crevice and filling it with wonder."

"You hear correct. Although wherever there is life there's trouble just waiting to be snuffed out. Enough about evil. How do you spend your days little man? When you're not pumping weights and practising death throws?" Hugo demonstrated both.

"I harvest sunbeams." The smile was brighter than any solar flare.

"Sunbeams? Sounds fascinating."

"Oh it's more than fascinating. It's the very essence of wonder. The moment the grass parts to allow nothing more than a photon through. The slightest of encouragement sees it joined by another, teased to stand on its end, then another, until a rush of particles join to add strength and hope to something so beautiful words struggle to contain its true power. To see a field ready for harvest: a thousand sunbeams bending gently as they reach towards the sky. Not blinding but soothing on the eyes, massaging your very thoughts to a state of complete serenity and oneness with everything that exists." It became clear where Bobby's self inspired happiness stemmed from. Even Hugo was caught up in the moment, before snapping out of it and remembering nothing had been said about him for a while.

"That's great Bobby. You know what I like doing when I'm not catching bad guys?"

"I will if you tell me."

"Catching more bad guys. Man I love the look on their face when they know they're caught. On my day off too, they don't expect that....."

Hugo continued regaling tales, Bobby was happy to let him. The green suited hero kept one eye focused on social pleasantries while the other observed the universe sprawled out before him. He pondered on the Earth they were approaching and the two men they would meet there. He expected nothing. It was the only way to avoid disappointment, and probably best considering who they were picking up.

Contents
Chapter Six

"My two favourite heroes; slide inside and begin the ride." Fut bobbed his head in welcome to Brick and Spiritwind. The two humans had taken the more traditional path of walking to Fut's house. Fate and They had transported themselves.

"It's our honour." Brick accepted the welcome and jived his way down the hallway towards the living room. Spiritwind's beaming face followed closely behind. Fut closed the door and joined the jive train.

Fut stood at an impressive six and a half feet and worked as the spreader of 'cool' across the planet Earth. His ample stride made short work of the hallway, arriving to find the party still negotiating the early awkward stages of any gathering. Irony and Karma were sat in the corner of cushions, chatting about this and that. They and Coincidence were on the nearby sofa, debating why that and this is far superior to this and that. Fate lay on the double hammock he had grown fond of. Brick had already occupied a section of cloth suspended from the ceiling by four high tensile strings. Spiritwind opted for a three foot high ball of jelly that moulded to the users body. Fut offered drinks and nibbles before returning to take his place on a giant pillow. Seeing everyone had arrived Fate prepared to stand. The nature of the hammock meant the process took a few minutes, but eventually he achieved his aim.

"May I just say a few words about why we are gathered here, and wish our two heroes fortune on their adventure."

Irony groaned. She was only here for one thing, and as nobody in the room was a ten foot hunk in red lycra she was already feeling disappointed. The excessive amount she'd drank to calm her nerves didn't help matters.

"Thank you for your support Irony. It's appreciated as always." Karma defended her friend with a stare of implied threat. Fate cowered back into his speech. "We are here to wave off our new friends and saviours of our jobs on their second adventure. I'm sure you'd all like to join me in toasting their success." Everyone raised their drink. Brick and Spiritwind looked at each other, unsure if it was accepted protocol to toast oneself. They drank anyway just to keep up appearances. "To Brick, Spiritwind, and success."

A murmur toured the room. Brick looked around. He wondered if Success was another concept who had decided to join them, and if she was open to flirting. He quickly realised it was strictly metaphorical.

"Does anyone have any words of wisdom they wish to offer our friends? Tips on dealing with the universe they are about to explore perhaps?" Fate sat back down, safe in the knowledge all official duties had been fulfilled and he could return to drinking and relaxing. He attempted to appease Karma with a wink. Her response suggested it would be at least five minutes before he could look at her again.

"I think it's the universe that needs advice on dealing with those two." Irony's liquid bravado spilled out.

"And what would that advice be?" Brick asked purely out of curiosity.

"Don't bother." Irony snorted at her own perceived wit.

"That's vaguely amusing Irony. Have you been working on your insults?" Brick appreciated a good insult even when aimed at him.

"Not really. I have been working on my punch though. Want to see that?" Irony waved her fist in front of her face. It only served to confuse her eyes.

"Moving along." Brick realised he wasn't going to get anywhere with Irony and turned to Fate. "Will we get any gadgets this time? There has to be gadgets on a second adventure, surely. There must be a rule somewhere about that."

"No." Fate kept his answer brief.

"Gadgets are over rated." They joined in the conversation. The glint in his eye promised wisdom of one sort or another. "You need at least a grade two rating for the right circumstances to arise for your highly situation specific gadget to be used. Grade one heroes are so focused on using their gadget they'll activate their bouncy castle in a hat when trapped in a lift filling with poisonous gas. Castle fills the lift and suffocates them. Same as when a rhino charges them and they try and repel it with a handy gas mask in a watch. The best gadget is initiative."

"That may be true, but we both know initiative is nowhere near as cool as having a trampoline sewn in to your pants." Brick offered his own wisdom in response.

"There's no arguing with something so true."

The room remained quiet except for the background beats. Thoughtful silence filled the gaps, or drunken confusion in the case of Irony. Spiritwind unloaded his pockets to the tune of several sausage rolls and a Cornish pasty. He had a pork pie somewhere but for the moment its exact location escaped him.

"Sometimes I wonder why we even bothered to save the Earth. I could just about handle no money or women, but no gadgets when embarking on a new mission." Brick huffed his concerns.

"Sometimes I wonder why flies don't just fly that little bit higher than a car windscreen. It's not as though they can't. They must have learnt by now." They's thought only inspired one reaction, it came from Fut.

"May I be the provider of further drinks?" Everybody nodded eagerly. The awkwardness needed tackling swiftly. Fut stood and entered the bar area of his living room.

Fate saw a chance to make amends with Karma and moved towards her. The smile she offered was balanced by Irony's sneer. Sensing an argument, They and Coincidence guided the remote control sofa they were on over to Brick and Spiritwind.

"Evening chaps." Brick toasted their arrival with a cheese cracker, minus the cheese which he'd lost somewhere down his thigh.

"And your good selves. Excited about a new adventure?" Coincidence opened the chatter with Brick.

"It's something to do I suppose. It's hard to get too excited about something we have no idea about."

"Are you packed and prepared?" They moved on to a more practical query.

"Again, we don't know what we'll need. So we thought we may as well take nothing and be equally unprepared for everything." Brick responded whilst casually searching for his lost cheese.

"It's an unarguable logic." They had nothing but agreement. "Probably as unarguable as the mysterious time of ten to ten playing a role in a further adventure." They nodded slowly and knowingly.

"Ignore him. He's trying to spread his latest rumour." Coincidence sat back. He knew They would reveal it once Brick showed his inevitable interest.

"Not so fast Coincidence. They may be on to something. It's all people are talking about after all the clocks were mysteriously changed to ten to ten the other week." Brick's inevitable interest duly appeared. Spiritwind continued snacking whilst watching the conversation unfold.

"You know why the clocks were changed. You were there when Fate told Motivation to do it for no other reason than to keep her occupied." Coincidence knew he was wasting his breath, but wasted it anyway.

"Fate told us there was no reason but how can we be sure?" Brick applied the raise of an eyebrow he believed made everything a possibility.

"I give in. Believe what you like." Coincidence folded his arms in defeat.

"So what's this theory, They?" Brick sat forward, revealing the cheese he'd lost.

"You know how the Earth takes three hundred and sixty five days and a quarter to complete a full lap of the Sun?" The nods mainly came from Brick. "Meaning the Earth needs leap years to reset time? Well where does that quarter of a day go before the leap year? We're losing about a minute a day before getting it back." Brick feigned outrage. Spiritwind picked a chunk of meat from his tooth. "I propose we lose thirty seconds around ten to ten each day. The disturbance this causes alerts us to check the time, which is why we always notice ten to ten for one reason or another and which is why the clocks were changed, to alert us to this fact." They looked very pleased with him-self.

"Would it not have been easier to let us know this with a short leaflet explaining it?" Coincidence already had a list of flaws he'd thought about, and raised one as Brick and Spiritwind let the idea sink further into their minds.

"You're very naïve when it comes to conspiracy theories Coincidence. If you don't have to re-interpret anything that happens in an inventive manner then it's just a list of facts." They defended his livelihood.

"Sometimes the facts suffice."

"Obviously you've been broken by the man. You accept whatever 'they' want to feed you."

"But you're 'They', and I know you're trying to feed me a lie." Coincidence unfolded his arms to protest.

"Am I?" They tried his best potential truth face.

"Yes."

"I feel for you my friend. It's sad to see you broken into conformity."

"That makes sense actually They." Brick had finished thinking and aired his conclusion. "It's called cowboy time and everything. Which other time has its own name? Except noon I guess, and midnight."

"What do you mean it makes sense?" Coincidence tried one last appeal.

"Well it sounds feasible." Brick looked astonished at Coincidence's doubt.

"I give in all over again." Coincidence folded his arms in frustration. Only the arrival of Fut with a fresh round of drinks saw his limbs unfold.

Everybody thanked Fut and allowed the party spirit to grow; however with the approaching adventure in mind excessive behaviour was limited to nonsense conversations and only two games of dodge the orange. The grouping remained amicable enough to leave for Noel Hill as one. When a superstar of the universe is about to turn up it's sensible to sit somewhere between sober and passed out in the corner dribbling. Everybody hoped they'd struck the balance to perfection.

Contents
Chapter Seven

Dollop stood at the reception desk at the end of the corridor he had spent most of yesterday waiting in. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, social awkwardness threatening to send him to the toilet for the fourth time in two hours. He just wanted to get started, but the receptionist made him wait for no discernible reason. She revelled in a visitor's discomfort and would intentionally tease people towards crippling embarrassment. Seeing the beads of sweat forming on Dollop's forehead she relented and ceased pretending to be checking her computer. She turned to the beast.

"Name?"

"Erm....Dollop." The henchman was caught off guard.

"Are you expected?" She typed the monster's name into a screen that requested it.

"Yes, yes. I'm due to start work today." Dollop remained polite. He hoped the mention of working would thaw the receptionist's personality. It merely induced a superior stare into the distance.

"Bank details and passport photo." She held out her hand in expectation.

"Yes. Indeed." Dollop searched his pockets, pulling out a slip of paper and a scrumpled photo. He ironed it flat with his hands before passing it over. "I had to get it done on the way over, but I couldn't find a booth big enough; hence it looks like that."

Taking the items robotically she flinched when viewing the photograph, revealing some human emotion remained no matter how far she'd buried it. The picture showed an extreme close up of Dollop's right eye and the top of his nose pressed forcibly against the lens. She looked back to the screen and typed further, leaving Dollop in silence for a few minutes. Eventually she spoke.

"You're here to see Insidious Chi?"

"Yes. Yes I am." He could have told her that, ten minutes ago.

"Take the third door on the left. Thank you." She returned to an open magazine. The interaction was clearly over.

Dollop cursed the forced social nature of life and headed towards the door. New jobs were always irritating to start with. He wanted to skip the awkward stage and find his place in the social hierarchy of his new work environment. He took a deep breath and stepped through the door that led to the next few months of his life. He instantly began falling.

Tumbling through the darkness Dollop's years of experience stepped in and kept him calm. Before any coherent thoughts had chance to form he landed on a floor and rolled into a defensive stance in the middle of a well lit room. He awaited any movement, poised to attack should it be necessary. A voice came from the edge of the room.

"Gooooooood." Sid stepped forward, accompanied by a creature of similar stature to Dollop. "I like to keep my employees on their toes. Follow me." Sid headed for a door on the far wall. Dollop relinquished his pose, making eye contact with the other creature as they followed Sid.

"Sandbag?" An air of familiarity swept across the pair. Sandbag's bull like skull smiled back at Dollop.

"Dollop! I didn't see you at the interview."

"I was here yesterday." They shook hands and grimaced, a standard henchman greeting.

"I was the day before." Dollop and Sandbag had worked together on a number of occasions. Between jobs they remained friends, but with minimal contact. Dollop was considerably older than his peer but immediately saw something of his younger self in the henchman. He wished to guide and foster the youthful energy he saw, and help Sandbag to avoid the same pitfalls he'd encountered in the business. Sandbag was not one of life's natural thinkers, but he enjoyed listening to Dollop's ponderings even if he didn't always understand them. Sandbag came from a long family line of henchman. It had been the only viable career path open to him. He respected anybody who had lasted in the industry as long as Dollop, and although youthful exuberance often clouded his judgement he tried to heed the advice Dollop offered.

"I was a bit worried about who I might end up working with. There was quite a few twitchy characters at my interview. Don't know about yours." Sandbag began the conversation as Sid wandered off ahead, mumbling and cackling to him-self. He was happy to leave the two henchmen to get reacquainted.

"Same. The impetuous nature of youth is a difficult beast to tame. A few fisticuffs were exchanged while I waited."

"You still talking funny then, big words and all that?" Sandbag smiled. He'd missed Dollop's way with language.

"I suppose I am. I didn't know you were looking for work. I thought you were working with Dothlorian Ganaar on the planet Debris?"

"I was, 'til Hugo Cortizone turned up. He was passing by and noticed some smoke. Decided to land and investigate. Three slats (decades) in the planning and he comes along and brings it all crashing down in a flit (an hour). When will his meddling end?" Sandbag cursed Hugo's name, grinding his fist into his palm as he spoke. The trio passed through a door and into a further corridor. Sid continued at the front, lost in his wittering. Dollop and Sandbag adjusted their stride to avoid stepping on their new boss. His two foot step was no match for their ten foot gate. Sandbag continued relaying how he'd ended up there. "I've been doing the odd bit of door work and terrorising cities to clear them out for developers since that. This is the first decent job I've seen for a while."

"It's a sad day when henchmen of your quality are reduced to bread and rent jobs." Dollop shook his head in empathy.

"That's how the business has gone. It's all evil universities and academies these days. At least Sid can see a good old fashioned henchman when he sees one, one that learnt his trade on the job. What are you smiling at?" Sandbag noted Dollop's smirk.

"Is that a touch of cynicism creeping in with age?"

"If cynicism means truth then yes."

"Cynicism is the greatest wisdom the masses do not wish to hear."

"So the truth then?" Sandbag was confused.

"The person saying it usually thinks so."

Sid's cackling laughter drifted back to them, interrupting the chatter. He'd either told himself something hilarious or incredibly dastardly. It prompted a question from Sandbag.

"How did you find the interview?" Sandbag asked nervously.

"I'd rather not talk about it. Something wasn't right in that room. There were thoughts going through my head that I thought were long forgotten."

"Did any of those thoughts leave you feeling....." Sandbag paused as he prepared to utter a word banished from the henchman vocabulary. He would never consider saying it to anyone but Dollop. ".....afraid."

"If it wasn't you saying that Sandbag you'd be on the floor already for using such language, but I have to admit there was a sensation coursing through my veins that I had little memory of. I believe it may have been........." It was difficult for such a beast to say. "...fear."

"Do you think it had something to do with..." Sandbag gestured towards Sid.

"I'm not sure, but I do know it probably wouldn't be best to discuss it now." Dollop suggested Sid may be listening and that they should change the subject, which he did. "So how did it end with Dothlorian Ganaar?"

"Erm..." Sandbag took a few seconds to interpret Dollop's signal to change the subject. "Oh, Ganaar. Of course. I remembered what you said about bad guys never knowing when they're beaten so assess the situation for yourself. Well when I asked him if he wanted me to defend any specific area of his quickly burning palace all I got was insane laughter and declarations of power. I could see it was lost. Hugo arrived as I left the hall. A burning beam blocked any effort I may have made to get back in there, so I left as he started making his own declarations of good."

Dollop stroked his scar. "Hugo's got it coming one day."

"Can't come soon enough if you ask me. What have you been up to? Haven't heard your name anywhere recently."

"I took some time out to see the universe, work on my novel."

"Still writing that book? Isn't it about you or something?"

"One's about a henchman similar to me, done a few kid's books too. I started running out of money though and had to work. Saw this advertised and thought why not. Plus I still need a final chapter to my epic."

"There'll never be a final chapter you'll be able to write. You know the way it works: you don't quit the business, it quits you." Sandbag reiterated the henchman ethos which essentially meant you had to die in a glorious final battle, although nobody ever felt sure the saying got this point across.

"Every story needs a final chapter. My bones aren't what they used to be. I'd like nothing more than a house beneath a mountain to while away my days writing."

"Retirement would kill you far quicker than any hero. You'd be back. There's only one way out of the henchman life and it isn't peacefully beneath a mountain."

The two continued down the corridor in silence before Sandbag thought of another question. "Did he tell you how he plans to take over the universe without an army?"

"Not yet. He seems the theatrical type though. I'm sure he'll reveal the plot in a series of dramatic speeches, each more threatening than the last."

"Typical bad-guy behaviour then."

"There's some more of that cynicism."

Sid spun suddenly, bringing the conversation to an end and causing the two men to stop in their tracks. He raised his arm and began one of Dollop's predicted speeches.

"Behind this door lies the beginning of our journey together. If there are any second thoughts about your participation then the time has passed. Anyone who tries to back out now, or at any time before our success is achieved, will wish they hadn't." Sid aimed a small gap of his helmet at the pair. A bolt of fear rippled through every molecule of each beast. Their deepest terrors were opened briefly before closing. The shudder was enough to serve as a warning without any lasting damage. "Gooooood. Now follow me."

The door swung open to reveal a white and perfectly spherical craft at the base of a fifty foot cannon that led through the ceiling. A blood red flicker of writing stated its name: Sinister Intent. Sid presented the ship with a flourish of his palm. "Our transport, gentlemen."

"Is that one of those bullet ships?" Sandbag spoke without confidence. It was a combination of the craft and Sid's recent attack.

"The ones that work like a gun being fired, only the passengers sit in the bullet and are shot towards their destination?" Dollop answered with a similar lack of confidence.

"That sums up what I heard about them." The pair followed Sid nervously as he produced an infra red key from nowhere in particular.

"I don't like these things." Sandbag aired his thoughts on the matter.

"I wouldn't say I was a fan." Dollop concurred.

Sid pressed the button. The ship responded with a clunk and a morphing of its exterior. A tunnel formed in the shell. Sid turned to assess his companions before pushing another button, the tunnel's circumference doubled. As they reached the door Dollop risked a question.

"May I ask where we're heading?"

Sid spun dramatically and approached the henchman. "You may ask, but understand I will decide whether to answer or not. I may also decide to have your bones boiled leaving you to exist as a puddle of unsupported skin for the remainder of your days." Sid stood on his toes to limit the height difference, the extra inch made him all the more intimidating. Once he felt he'd held Dollop's tension long enough he relented and answered calmly. "We are heading to the planet Ahriman where the Underground Tower of Crizal lies. It is the base from which the universe will fall to its knees. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha." There was no need to laugh, something Sid realised quite quickly. Maybe he should have mentioned he expected his henchmen to laugh along with him. It was too late to introduce the clause now so satisfied him-self with a whispered curse and a promise to take out his frustration on someone unsuspecting later on.

"I've never heard of Ahriman." Sandbag's query to Dollop was overheard by Sid. The megalomaniac responded.

"I know. Nobody has. That's why my plan is going to work. Hahahahahahahaha." He thought he'd give it one last try on the laughter front. It still failed to catch on with his protective duo. He cursed once more as the trio climbed on board and strapped themselves into their seats. Someone was going to be seriously punished. Dollop and Sandbag only hoped it wasn't them.

Contents
Chapter Eight

"I'm sure Noel Hill wasn't this big last time we climbed it." Brick protested as he approached the brow of Noel Hill for the second time in three weeks. The concepts had transported themselves ahead and stood in a group, awaiting Hugo.

"You are older than last time. And you have to take in to account our new hero lifestyles. The demands are clearly playing havoc with your fitness levels." Spiritwind perched at the top. He'd opened a tub of yoghurt in celebration of his own arrival. It contained real chunks of strawberry.

"The only demand I've faced is utter disappointment." Brick mumbled his response before falling flat on his back twenty feet from his bald peer.

The air ruffled, growing into something of a disturbance. Clothes rippled uncontrollably and hair, excluding Brick's, lost its style. The idle chit chat the concepts had been sharing ceased. They knew the disruption was a spaceship landing, but equally knew it would have to keep its cloaking device firmly on until reaching the ground. Universal law dictated such for any ship visiting a planet below grade-three status. Spiritwind remained focused on his yoghurt, his only reaction being to shield the dairy treat from swirling dust. Brick remained prone, appreciating the cooling breeze.

The air threatened to settle, only to be hijacked by the sound of a well serviced door fulfilling its opening duty. A rectangle of light appeared around twenty feet in the air, a silhouette quickly moving into view, hands on hips, chin pointing at the perfect hero angle: side on and beckoning upwards, as a ramp descended triggering the slow reveal of the rest of the craft. The ship's computer had scanned the area and worked out a few probability equations. It felt confident to a high enough statistical level to reveal itself completely. A black ship on a dark night stood little chance of being spotted and appearing on several local news channels.

The concepts gasped in wonder at the sheen and beauty of what had been unveiled; Spiritwind unveiled a peach yoghurt. The ships seamless glimmer induced awe, hope and wonder, without any sense of intimidation. It gave the impression it had been built from raw sex appeal mined from mountains of courage.

Hugo stepped onto the ramp and proceeded towards the concepts. As his silhouette grew in detail a smile became apparent. He aimed it at Irony, with a wink for good measure. She swooned and fell to the ground. Karma ignored her friends fall and moved closer to the lycra clad hunk. The concepts were consumed by disbelief. As Bobby too strolled down the ramp and onto the hill, unnoticed, Hugo stretched out his hand towards Fate.

"You must be Fate. Read the file. Love what you did." The handshake was forceful but polite. Fate could only offer a grin in return.

Hugo scanned the hillside whilst maintaining social pleasantries. Every hero liked to make a declaration when landing on a new planet and Hugo was the best declaration maker in the universe. He saw a reasonable spot to unleash his thoughts. "I will return folks, just a little hero admin to sort." Striding purposefully towards the edge of the hill he noticed a human sitting there. He recognised him instantly.

"You must be the great Spiritwind." Hugo strode directly at the average sized man, who had been peering over his yoghurt watching events unfold. Spiritwind dunked his spoon in the pot in order to free a hand and accept the greeting. Hugo continued relaying his thoughts. "Good to meet a fellow man of courage. Got to say I like your style. Where's that partner of yours?" Spiritwind directed Hugo with a glance.

Brick had worked out what was happening with a few cheeky peeks. Remaining flat on his back he raised an arm to be shaken. Hugo made full use of it, sending a jolt of excitement down it and almost lifting Brick off the ground. "Preparing for the battles ahead I see. I like that. Heroics are as much mental as they are physical. I'm just blessed to excel in both facets." Hugo tensed, staring into the distance. He kept the mood going and sidestepped fifteen feet to the declaration point he'd chosen. Brick rolled onto his stomach and quizzed his friend.

"What was that?"

"That was Hugo Cortizone."

"He's an excitable chap; and a massive one too." Brick was silenced by Hugo's voice. Normally the ultimate hero's declaration would be a quiet, emotional affair, directed towards him-self, but as there was an audience he felt it a shame not to use them.

"If only the peace I sense here on this hill could be spread throughout the universe. If only life could be played out in the perfect harmony nature intended. If only evil would realise it stood no chance against the overwhelming good that will stand against it until the bitter end. If only." Hugo clenched his fist and closed his eyes, touching his forehead gently with his knuckles. Karma felt a tear of honour welling up inside. Brick didn't quite take the same emotion.

"Who's he talking to, the pleb?" Spiritwind shrugged. Hugo turned and walked back to the concepts. He sensed they were more appreciative of his company than Brick and Spiritwind.

"Sorry about that, guys. Sometimes the emotion of life gets too much for even my enormous brawn and brains." Hugo was welcomed back into the circle with open mouths of joy. He continued greeting the group. "You must be Fut. I heard you were cool but words could never express the level you've achieved. Good man."

"Is he for real?" Brick clambered to his feet and walked to Spiritwind. The pair watched on, failing to notice Bobby, who stood nearby with his own thoughts. The pleasant hero spoke, alerting the Earthly pair to his presence.

"I sense great beauty in the shadows. I feel pity to have landed whilst the sun sits elsewhere on this vibrant planet." Bobby wasn't speaking for any attention, although he duly received it.

"You wait your whole life for somebody to turn up in a spaceship and spout a monologue and then two turn up in a minute. Is there a third we should wait for?"

"I offer sorrow for my interruption. I did not realise you could hear my spoken thoughts." Bobby apologised. Brick and Spiritwind felt only warmth from the curious man and accepted the friendly heat without words. The silence didn't last.

"I'm guessing with a head that size and the way you're acting you came off that ship?"

"Yoghurt?" Spiritwind countered Brick's blunt hello.

"I did indeed appear from that ship, but my time upon it has been brief." He turned to answer Spiritwind. "My energy levels are fine for the moment, although my thanks are true. Would it be okay to use my amulet to take a look around?" Bobby pointed to a four inch, tubular amulet around his neck. Brick was unsure what Bobby was asking, and why he was asking his permission. He gave it anyway with an open palmed gesture.

Brick and Spiritwind looked closely at the object. A thin tube of glass was protected by a golden sheath, carved with patterns of infinite complexity. Time had left its mark on the metal. An opaque, glass oval sat at each end; a curious glow within shifted colour in a manner almost too subtle to detect. Bobby held the object in wonder, staring as though it was the first time he'd ever seen it.

Lifting his head, Bobby pointed one end of the object towards the town, twisting the other side with his free hand. The action released a perfect, tubular dawn; a beam of crisp daylight flying through the night sky and off to the horizon. Bobby shone the light at various points of the town. Brick and Spiritwind stood behind him, speechless.

"It's as wonderful as I imagined, maybe even better." As Bobby twisted the end the circumference increased. Spiritwind snapped out of his awe and offered friendly advice.

"Perhaps we shouldn't draw attention to this hill tonight."

"My apologies. Of course." Bobby switched the light off. "The beauty of your world overtook my common sense."

"It's okay. No harm done. Nice torch by the way." Brick tried to look knowledgeable about torches by standing on his tiptoes and half closing his eyes.

"Torch?" Bobby grinned a sentiment of confusion.

"The thing in your hand." Brick looked around for support. Suddenly he felt like the one with the ridiculously oversized head. "That is a torch isn't it?"

"Oh you mean my amulet. I suppose it would appear to be a torch, but it is in fact the first sunbeam I ever grew." Bobby stared back at the functional jewellery with adoration.

"Have you grown many since?" Spiritwind stepped into the questioning as Brick tried to remember the definition of a torch. As he'd never learnt it, it could take some time.

"Indeed. I'm sure there is a number that could be assigned to such an answer but why try to regulate such natural beauty and purity. Back home I harvest sunbeams. It serves as both my passion and profession." Bobby smiled, lighting up the darkness that surrounded them.

"Do you always carry that sunbeam?" Brick had given up on the torch definition. He had a new bone, and a free hand to pick it with.

"It hasn't left my presence since the day I first wore it."

"And I'm presuming you're a fellow hero on the way to this gathering thing?"

"My assistance has been requested, and I am not a man to refuse." Yes didn't come easy to Bobby.

"Then may I say, for the record, that I believe that sunbeam will save the universe." Brick folded his arms in a manner suggesting he'd just saved the universe himself.

"You're saying a sunbeam is going to save the universe?" Spiritwind wanted clarification.

"Yes. And I want it officially recorded that I've predicted it well before it happens."

"Consider it noted." Spiritwind shook his head and opened a blackberry yoghurt with a facial tut.

"The sunbeam is truly a wonderful thing, and an object of undoubted power, but how can you possibly see it saving the universe when the peril has not been shown to us?" Bobby didn't follow Brick's logic.

"You can't have a mission to save the universe that includes a man with a sunbeam permanently round his neck without it being used in the final scene. It defies all narrative logic."

"Your understanding of the universes workings are far beyond anything I can envisage. I look forward to seeing this narrative logic come to fruition."

"I wouldn't bow to his wisdom just yet. Most of his predictions barely achieve seed status." Spiritwind interjected, before Hugo interjected the interjection. Mr Cortizone's ego tanks had been filled to the brim with the concept's admiration. He was ready to start the mission.

"Men, the time has come for destiny to reveal her plan for us. We must stride forth as one into battle against all that is dastardly. Fear not, for the life that is lost in the battle for good is another fly in the eye of evil, a fly that will never be removed. It will live on as one more crime they rack up in their hollow pits of sorrow. Join me, and let our quest begin." Hugo ran off, slapping the high five positioned hands of the concepts as he shot up the ramp. Brick, Spiritwind and Bobby looked at each other in confusion.

"Does he always talk like that?" Brick sought clarification.

"My time in his company has been short, and I am not one for rash judgements, but from what I have seen and heard it is his preferred style of communication." Bobby walked towards the ramp, waving to the concepts who had lined up next to it; they wondered, as one, who the funny little chap was. Bobby boarded the craft as they craned their necks for one last glance of Hugo.

Brick and Spiritwind approached the line. The concepts turned round, a little embarrassed at their fawning reaction to the embodiment of awesome. Karma was the first to speak to them. Her embarrassment had turned instantly to anger.

"What do you two want, a chufty badge?"

"We just wanted to get past." Brick didn't understand why he was in trouble, but equally didn't want to enrage Karma further.

"So get past." Karma stepped out of the way. "I guess I should say good luck, even though I know it's only a ridiculous pseudonym used by my boyfriend to cover his many mistakes." Karma's anger transferred seamlessly to Fate.

"I feel compelled to say thank you, but I believe that stems from fear." Spiritwind followed sheepishly behind as they moved on to Coincidence.

"I only wish I could come along. Don't forget: coincidence is the greatest weapon in any hero's armoury. Use it well." The handshake was warm and reciprocal. Fut took his turn.

"My men. It's been an honour that will surely grow. The universe treats a man as he treats it, so be cool and prepare to reap." The infectious head bobbing passed through the trio. They waited next.

"Don't believe everything your told, and don't tell everyone what you believe." The line had become something of a collection of pearls of wisdom, although Brick and Spiritwind paused to question They's version of advice.

"You know that doesn't mean anything." Brick raised his objection.

"Really? Maybe you need to think about it further." The wandering eyes were meant to induce doubt. They just invited certainty.

"I'm pretty sure I know already."

"Do you?" An aloof look to the left improved nothing.

"Yes." Brick was fairly certain. He'd said enough nonsense in his time to know when it was coming back to him.

"Would you be offended if we move along?" Spiritwind offered a more practical solution to the debate.

"Would I?" The pair moved on to Fate, who held two objects in his hand.

"What are these?" Brick took one without ceremony.

"They're gadgets." Fate looked very pleased with himself.

"It's a digital watch." Brick didn't share the excitement.

"Not just a digital watch. It's got a calculator built into it." Fate tried They's wandering eyes technique. It just made him dizzy.

"I like it." Spiritwind declared his support for the offering while strapping it to his wrist.

"We're off on a mission to save the universe and the best gadget we get is a watch from the 80's?" Brick equally attached it to his wrist, with added complaints.

"Every secret in the universe can be explained through mathematics. I'm giving you the key to mathematics in a portable format." Fate refused to look anything but pleased.

"Chieftains Desire is ready to go. Can the same be said for my crew?" Hugo appeared at the door once more. He'd grown impatient waiting for the duo.

"Now that we're fully equipped you try and stop us." Brick and Spiritwind waved a goodbye to the still unconscious Irony before walking up the ramp, waving to the rest as they went. Hugo offered one final salute and disappeared. Brick and Spiritwind stopped to offer their own version of a salute before Hugo's arm appeared around the frame and pulled the two inside.

The ramp retracted in time to the door closing, the rest of the craft slowly overtaken by invisibility. Once fully cloaked a wisp of wind shot around the hill, accompanied by the whoosh of the ship leaving the Earth. The breeze was enough to stir Irony back to consciousness. She stood groggily, with the aid of Karma. Coincidence approached his brother.

"Do you think they'll be alright?"

"Probably. They seem like the kind of guys that are always alright."

"Fair point."

"What did I miss?" Irony held her head as Fate offered further stability in the shape of a supporting arm. Fate answered in poetic mood.

"Just the beginning of another adventure, let's hope we hear of its successful conclusion." Fate looked wistfully into the sky as the trio hobbled towards town. Irony left a pause before interrupting his gaze.

"That's very poetic Fate but what did I really miss?"

"You had to ruin it didn't you; that was a beautiful moment, a perfect end to another chapter of Brick and Spiritwind's adventure, and now look...."

"Well excuse me for passing out at the sight of a real man...." The pair continued bickering. Karma watched on, amused. She had memories to treasure, but Brick and Spiritwind were about to open a whole new chest to be filled.

Contents

Chapter Nine

"You look very intrigued Bobby. Is something outside?" Brick wandered over to Bobby Dazzler. The cheerful hero sat at the window that ran the length of the living area of Hugo's ship. Take off had been smooth and uneventful. Brick had grown tired of poking the walls and sought entertainment in the guise of conversation. Hugo was in the cockpit, Spiritwind sat at the table deciding his menu for the day.

"Just the vast beauty of space." Bobby didn't remove his gaze from outside.

"It's very dark out there. I'm surprised you can even see anything to call beautiful." Brick leaned forward to get a closer look, twitching backwards as he banged his nose on the glass. He rubbed his nasal device, just in case it needed it.

"Nothingness is everything if you wish it so my pleasantly haired peer."

"Are you saying meaningless rubbish in the hope it's confused for wisdom, because I try that all the time and I can tell you it gets you nowhere."

"What do you see through the glass portal?" Bobby invited Brick to look for himself.

"Now you're asking." Brick leaned in. "There's a few lights over there I suppose, and a big, swirly gas thing, ooh and my reflection."

"Do you know what I see?"

"Your reflection?" It was a good guess.

"Aside from that. I see billions of lives playing out countless roles and scenarios, experiencing a multitude of emotions at a thousand intensities. I see tears trickling in sorrow and anger, and the ripple of laughter as it flows through space. I see life in all its forms, the entire spectrum of existence. I see the simplicity that lies beneath the infinite complexity of being, and my pride is unbound to know I'm even the most insignificant part of something so glorious. It fills me the warmth only being alive can bring." Bobby sighed in wonder.

"You see all that? I must be stood at the wrong angle." Brick sat down with a new determination, slowly becoming lost in the view they swept past.

Spiritwind had settled on his days eating and searched for something new to occupy his time. He sat at a table in the loosely designated dining area. The cushioned seating had made it an obvious choice. Spotting a magazine rack he took the only object resting upon it: a manual of some kind. The cover was black and shone with the same pride as the ship. At certain angles an image suggested itself, but not enough could be seen at any one time to identify it. Spiritwind opened the book, only for a thin, green laser to shoot from it and strike him on the forehead. He reached for a baguette to ease the mild concern it caused, but his reach was halted by the introduction of music and appearance of a miniature 3-D image of the space ship on the table. Staring at the model the door opened. A four inch lady stepped out and sauntered down the emerging ramp. Spiritwind stared in confusion. The lady spoke.

"You speak English, correct?" Spiritwind nodded slowly. "Excellent. Then welcome to the sales manual for the Baroda Calypso Mark III: the fastest and most elegant craft on sale in the universe...."

"I thought this was the Chieftains Desire?" Spiritwind was unsure of the protocol for speaking to a manual. He wasn't entirely convinced there'd even be a response. The lady stopped mid-speech. She appeared to be loading a reply.

"Baroda Calypso is the manufacturer's model name. Once purchased you may feel free to name her anything you wish." She smiled as though waiting to check Spiritwind understood. He glanced behind him to check a man in a false beard wasn't about to jump out and reveal the practical joke at play. His eventual smile allowed her to carry on. "The Baroda Calypso is the ultimate way to travel. Almost invincible outer shell yet weighs no more than a baby's fingernail. Can travel the entire length of the universe in less than four hours...." Spiritwind raised his hand apologetically. The sales lady stopped and smiled a smile that almost split her face in two. It clearly masked her irritation.

"How? I mean how does it travel across the universe so quickly? I thought the universe was bigger than any analogy can hope to relay."

The same loading pause occurred again. The hostess flickered before acquiring glasses, a white coat, and an easel. She pointed at various diagrams while speaking. "Time is fundamentally based on perception, and perception is easily tricked. The Baroda Calypso is able to perceive time, and we have taken advantage of such a thing in the most ingenious of manners. We sent the craft on a lap of the galaxy, but before doing so we tweaked its time perception unit and made the ship think it had made the journey in just one second. After resetting its perception to normal, sheer belief that it could achieve such a thing allowed it do so for real. We can neither explain nor justify such a quirk, but we can use it as a major selling point and highlight that The Baroda Calypso can traverse the universe in just under four hours. Something, due to the time it takes to program, that very few ships can boast." She beamed with a sense of personal achievement.

"Why not set it for a millisecond and travel the universe in a minute?" Spiritwind settled in to talking to a projection.

"You always need to leave time for a movie." The smile asked for the next question.

"So where are all the gadgets and interesting things I can have a go of?"

Another pause followed as the easel disappeared and the scene zoomed in to a small scale model of the room they were all sat in. The lady reappeared inside and spoke once more. "Extras: The entire interior has been hand crafted from the finest materials......"

"Do I look middle aged?" Spiritwind hoped the manual understood his complaint. It did.

"With the Baroda Calypso in mind Powerflex used an entirely new approach to the problem of claustrophobia in space travel, not that you could ever feel such a thing in our spacious rooms. The air shower..." The presenter stood at the door that related to the one on Spiritwind's left. "....gives the occupant a constant stream of fresh air to stand in. One burst is akin to the sensation of spending a full day in the most wondrous of fields."

Spiritwind looked at the door. There was only action that lay in his near future. The bald hero stood in preparation to test the room, just as Brick wandered over.

"I like that Bobby fella."

"He does seem nice. Do you want to keep the manual company while I go and have a look at something?" Spiritwind headed to the shower door.

"Manual? Compan...."The word remained unsaid as the same green bolt that had shot Spiritwind, slapped Brick. "..What was that? And who are you, you pretty, and quite literally, little thing?"

The bolt allowed Brick to see the model of the ship and the sales assistant. He embarrassed himself instantly.

"I'm designed to be pretty to make you more inclined to buy the ship."

"Did you just answer me?" Brick had nothing but confusion.

"Of course. I presumed you were talking to me. Was I wrong?" The lady prepared an apology.

"Yes. No. Sort of."

"Perhaps we should stick to topics relating to this, the most wonderful craft ever built. Minor chit chat with the opposite sex doesn't appear to be your strength."

"I'll have you know my minor chit chat is legendary in some of the better minor chit chat circles." Brick defended his honour. "Although why I'm defending myself against a book is another matter."

"Is there anything you'd like to know about the craft you're travelling on?" The sales manual sensed an awkward silence approaching.

"There is actually."

"Great." The smile betrayed her words.

"Why aren't we floating around? The only reason man ever wanted to travel in space was to have a float around. Drink bubbles of water, do non-stop somersaults and the like."

"The Baroda Calypso is fitted with the latest in gravity drives. Each molecule of air is fitted with small arms that either push or pull objects to the floor. The central computer automatically sets the level of manipulation to your home planet, so unless you would float around at home you won't be doing so here."

Brick squinted. He stood no chance of seeing a pair of miniscule arms. The momentary silence was broken by Hugo entering the room.

"Our path of righteousness has begun. It's only a matter of time before we land on Velos 19 to discover the new evil that's bereft in our universe." Hugo cursed his clenched hand. Brick presumed the hand symbolised evil rather than actually being evil itself. The room's population grew as Spiritwind re-entered, rosy faced and beaming.

"That shower's brilliant."

"You found the shower. Just one of the truly magnificent aspects incorporated into my carriage of justice. I see you've met the lovely, Savinia." Hugo winked at the projected sales manual. She fainted with pleasure at such attention.

"How do you do that?" Brick turned around, suitably upset.

"I don't do anything. They do it to themselves in my honour." Hugo strode forward, hands on hips, face to the ceiling.

"Do you have a kitchen?" Spiritwind wished to store his snacks.

"You'll find all the nutritional slabs you can handle in the room behind you." Hugo continued to flex.

"Nutritional slabs? Is that a fancy space term for biscuits?"

"If by biscuits you mean the raw slabs of the materials needed to keep the body pumping then yes."

"Do they come in bacon flavour?"

"No time for taste my friend. Savouring a flavour would merely slow down the process of getting the energy into our bodies so we can continue the fight." The rallying fist was lost on Spiritwind, who had to sit down for a moment and think of a pie at the perfect eating temperature. Food without flavour? The universe was a farce.

"I'm starting to think you were right about him." Spiritwind offered to support Brick's decision to dislike Hugo.

"A successful crew is a happy crew, and I sense enough joy on board to defeat all the evil the universe could throw at us. I feel as proud as the first time I stretched this perfectly crafted suit across my exquisitely honed frame. Well done men." Hugo turned with a flourish and returned to the cockpit. He revealed Bobby, who had been stood behind him. The trio looked at each other wondering if their input was needed in Hugo's continual pantomime.

All the time Velos 19 sat in space, unsure of what approached it. Had it known it may have shrugged with ambivalence, although when a planet shrugs untold structural damage is caused, so perhaps it was best for all involved that it remained in ignorant bliss.

Contents
Chapter Ten

Sinister intent made brief contact with the ground before rising once more in an arc. The occupants spun uncontrollably, strapped tightly in to their seats. Sid laughed maniacally while Dollop and Sandbag gripped their chairs with every ounce of will they possessed. Friction reached out its hand, sucking momentum from the craft with each return to the planet. After five or six bounces the ship remained on the floor and rolled, straight in to a tree that acted as a brake.

"Goooooooood." Sid unbuckled himself and hopped giddily. Dollop tried to focus on anything stable. It was impossible. Everything he looked at wandered off the side of his vision. Sandbag closed his eyes. It made things worse.

The shell of Sinister Intent allowed those inside to see through it, and as Sid used his infra red control once more, Dollop glanced up. The foliage of the tree they'd struck came towards them, attempting to force them through the floor. The accompanying violent shaking and subsequent sensation of falling suggested it had succeeded. The craft fell for a full minute while Dollop tried to work out if he was even awake.

Sid laughed for the entire descent, being caught out slightly when they eventually struck the floor and the craft split in two. By the time Dollop's awareness had caught up with him he was crouched in a dank cave, ready to attack. Sandbag assumed a similar position, only with a greater look of illness in his eyes.

"Woo-hoo. I love landing. And may I say concerning your reactions, Goooooood." Sid walked off ahead as the henchmen followed, using their hands and a slow pace to aid recovery.

As the walk continued health returned, and cursory glances quickly grew in to conversation between Dollop and Sandbag. The surroundings evolved more slowly, changing gently, almost un-noticed, the further in to the lair they travelled.

Initially the meagre emergency lighting offered sparse views of dripping caves. Interspersed along the way were suggestions of construction: wires running along the rock face, piping weaving in and out of the floor. The changes were subtle, so subtle that the two henchmen, who had been pre-occupied discussing the latest edition of 'Weapons That Do-the-Do', didn't realise their enormity until Sid stopped them. The pair looked up to find themselves in a fully equipped, yet deserted, office building; only an enlarged version.

"Your quarters are here." Sid pointed to a door marked 'Cleaners Cupboard'.

Dollop and Sandbag were clearly distracted and puzzled by their surroundings. Sid spotted this and offered something of an explanation. "The initial part of my plan required an unprecedented level of admin." It was as much as they were getting. "Hold out your hands."

The pair did as instructed. Sid whipped out two large, metallic rings from nowhere in particular and placed them over their wrists. They shrunk instantly to fit the wearer snugly. "I have work to do, but be sure to know I will call you when needed." The parting stare was both socially awkward and unnecessary. Sid left with a flourish as the duo opened the door to view their quarters.

The room was spacious, even taking into consideration the pair's bulk, and contained everything needed for rest and bodily maintenance. Two huge beds took up the far end, one in each corner, each side a mirror of the other. A filing cabinet offered drawers for storing clothes, shelves designed for cleaning products protruded from above the readily prepared havens of sleep. Another door led to the bathroom facilities. The tightly woven carpet offered little comfort, the false ceiling held the irritating fluorescent lighting in place. Sandbag was too worn out from the journey to complain and slumped on to the bed to the right. Its fragile appearance proved inaccurate as it withstood the eleven foot beast's falling weight. Dollop took the other corner.

"I've slept in far worse dorms than this."

"Hmmmmph." Sandbag's words couldn't escape the pillow his face was buried in. Dollop took the hint for quiet and lay down, staring at the ceiling. He tried closing his eyes and resting but every time he did something niggled at the back of his mind. The very walls emanated a mild version of what he'd felt in the interview. After twenty minutes unrest he stood.

"I might go for a look around."

"I might join you." Sandbag lifted his face from the pillow, complete with a crease from lying at an awkward angle. "I can't rest properly."

"There's definitely something odd about this place." Dollop and Sandbag were aware Sid may be watching and didn't wish to anger their new employer with idle speculation. They ignored the sensation for now and got ready for a walk. A quick swill of their faces and they were ready to explore.

Leaving their room they turned left, heading further into the underground building. Nobody could be seen. It was unusual for evil HQ's. There would normally be all manner of people with white coats and clipboards, riding transport devices that required minimal driving skills. Equipment would be being moved without explanation or purpose. It just didn't feel like a base where the hub of a plan to take over the universe was in full flow.

Spotting a series of signs on a wall Dollop and Sandbag decided to head for the prison/freedom administration unit. You could always get a feel for the despot you were working for based on their prison/torture facilities. To get there required many steps, all heading downwards.

Dollop had worked in many torture chambers and he was pleased Sid had realised the décor didn't have to be as miserable for the staff as it was for the residents. The corridors remained freshly painted, carpeted, and well lit.

As the pair came to the final set of stairs the sound of somebody busying themselves could be heard around the corner. They paused, then shared a glance that suggested they were eleven foot tall creatures hired to induce pain, and they had the relevant passes to be there.

Stepping in to the corridor they found a man shaped creature around six feet in height, behind a reception desk. The desk was covered in books, the man busy whittering and rifling through one of them. The corridor stretched beyond him leading to a multitude of standard office doors with only keyholes in place of handles. A smaller panel sat around the man's eye height within the frame of each. The creature flitted from the book to a panel, opened it, peered in, and then returned to the book, cackling to itself as it wrote something down. Dollop and Sandbag watched on, un-noticed, as it continued.

The man creature was of slender frame, his actual body obscured by a long, blue Napoleonic style coat with matching hat. Between the high collar and the headgear only an enormous ginger moustache could be seen. It stretched down to the floor and supported the person in place of feet, splitting to double as hands when needed. His actual hands remained behind his back at all times, his feet only making brief appearances when the moustache was assigned to too many limb duties at once.

Sandbag's impetuous nature wanted to move things along. When the moustached man returned to his desk the younger charge made his presence known with a cough. The reaction was instant.

The hat twitched in their direction then bolted from behind the desk. It came towards them on a mixture of facial hair and feet, poking them all the time with the moustache and firing questions as he came. "Who? What? Why? How? And who again?"

Sandbag calmly moved the portion of hair that had been poking him and asked his own question. "How about you tell us your name?" Sandbag felt pleased he'd asserted his physical dominance. Dollop didn't see the point in such a battle. They were all clearly on the same side. The veteran offered the information without a fight.

"I'm Dollop and this is Sandbag. We're the new henchmen for Insidious Chi. We thought we'd take a look around the base, that's all." The uniform scuttled back to the desk and rifled through the pages of a book as dextrously as you could hope to, using facial hair alone. It looked up at the pair, then back to the page, then back to the book, and back to the pair. Eventually it snapped the volume shut and approached the fearsome duo for a second time, only this time with manners.

"My name is Twelve Thirty." A particularly well spoken voice belied the insanity of the creature's movements. "I am head torturer and prison guard for Insidious Chi. My name stems from my mother's love of that particular time of day, whereas my appearance stems from a personal love of the time known as the Napoleonic era from the Earth franchise program. Any questions?" Twelve Thirty rocked on his heels, his moustache had been elaborating his speech. The moment Sandbag spoke he bolted back behind the desk.

"Could we see some of the prisoners?"

Twelve Thirty looked through the book, attempting to pass of his retreat as functional. He stared at the pages further before snapping them shut again and answering. "Yes. I don't see why not. Follow me."

Lifting himself on to his moustache, Twelve Thirty headed back down the corridor. Dollop and Sandbag shuffled along, arriving behind the torturer as he began his tour. The moustache became a pointing device.

"These are the recovery rooms where prisoners are given time to try and make sense of their punishment before starting the whole process again."

"What if they admit to their crimes, or apologise?" Dollop's sense of fairness had grown a voice with age. Twelve Thirty stopped and turned. The pair were closer than the torturer had expected, causing him to take a step back before responding.

"We know they are guilty, that is why they are here. Insidious Chi decides the law we must live to, and if the law he changes and re-invents on a regular basis is broken then the guilty party must pay whether they knew of the change or not. You're not wearing socks are you?" Both shook their head. "That by law has given me terrible blisters. I can't wait for it to be revoked. Where was I? Ah yes, as for apologies, we don't want apologies. They are here to be punished. Sorry doesn't come in to it."

Twelve Thirty turned and followed the natural bend of the corridor. He stopped around twenty metres down it. "These rooms contain those currently undergoing torture. Would you like to see?" The hat twitched in giddy excitement at being able to show off its work. Dollop and Sandbag's nods caused the masterfully controlled strands of facial hair to reach out and open a panel to the right. The henchmen squeezed an eye each to the hole.

A man was on his knees in the centre of a stone walled room, biting his fingers and clearly ravaged with stress; a pair of headphones were strapped to his head. As they watched he leant forward, his face twitching in expectation of laughter, only to fall on to his hands in a manner expressing 'no more'. Within seconds his face began listening again, twitching the same face of expectation. Dollop and Sandbag pulled back from the panel, puzzled. Twelve Thirty explained with an excited grin. "He is being subjected to endless jokes.......without ever hearing the punch-lines. Hahahahaha." Twelve Thirty had signed an agreement to laugh at all Sid's jokes. It had turned his laughter in to something of a punctuation mark rather than an expression of joy. "Oh how he'd love to hear a conclusion so he could laugh just once. Next week he'll hear more than he could ever wish to, only then he will never hear the set up. Hilarious. Hahahahaha." The panel was closed as they moved on. Dollop and Sandbag wondered who was more insane: Sid or Twelve Thirty.

"The man in this room has been told he can buy his freedom. All he has to pay is one piece of hay." Twelve Thirty spun dramatically, only to find he'd spun too far and still faced away from his guests. He shuffled back round to face them and opened another panel. Again Dollop and Sandbag peered inside.

They looked down into a room a hundred foot square. A pyramid of needles covered the base and stretched up to the ceiling. A naked man no bigger than six feet could be seen treading carefully around the pile, thousands of needles already protruding from his body.

"It's in there somewhere, I think." Genuine concern flashed across Twelve Thirty's moustache. "Anyway, how ingenious; needle in a haystack you see, the saying, only in reverse. Marvellous." Twelve Thirty continued down the corridor. Dollop and Sandbag followed. It was clear raw craziness was at work.

"This is my favourite, perhaps Insidious Chi's greatest work." Twelve Thirty hopped and clapped his moustache together in excitement. He waited until the two beasts were ready before flipping a further panel open. Again they moved towards it.

A man stood motionless in the centre of a similar sized room to the first incumbent. One eye pointed to the ceiling, the other closed in infinite confusion. His body lifted itself on its tiptoes, reaching out for a sense of understanding to a problem it didn't know, before collapsing in a sobbing heap. Gradually he raised himself on to his knees and started the deep thought process once more. Dollop turned to Twelve Thirty.

"I don't get it." Sandbag concurred with a grimace.

"Insidious Chi has reprogrammed his mind to think in French." A twitchy giggle delayed the reveal. "Only he doesn't understand a word of French. Hahahahahahaha."

Before Dollop or Sandbag could respond, their bracelets beeped three times. "That must be our signal to gooooooooooo" Without a polite goodbye the two monsters were lifted clean off their feet and dragged by the bracelets back the way they came. Unconcerned with the henchmen's trajectory it bounced them off the walls and stairs as the bracelets retraced the journey back to their quarters, and past them. A powerful set of doors loomed at the end of the corridor. The bracelets didn't stop to knock.

All power left the wrist accessories as the duo skidded across a huge room, stopping at the base of a large structure. Gaining their bearings Dollop looked up to see Sid floating towards him in a chair. The welcome was predictable. "Goooooooood."

Dollop stood and looked around. The room was darker and offered no resemblance to the office décor they'd seen elsewhere. The main source of lighting came from a contraption at the room's centre. The structure held thousands of television screens, all displaying daily life on countless planets. Sid had left the pair on the floor to recover while he flew around the device on a chair, checking different screens that induced differing levels of murmurs. Once satisfied Sid headed back to the ground and left his mobile seat.

"We have work to do. Come." Sid headed across the darkened space. Dollop couldn't make out the detail in the shadows; his eyes hadn't had time to adjust. The light continued to glint off Sid's suit as the monstrous pair trailed behind, it kept Dollop somewhere between blind and blinded.

Eventually reaching a door Sid stopped and picked up a number of vinyl records from a rack containing plenty. The trio then stepped through the exit. Sandbag gulped at the sight of another bullet ship. He still felt sick from their arrival.

"When you work for the Chi the excitement never stops. Two space rides on your first day. You are so lucky. Hahahahahahahaha."

Neither henchman commented. They needed all their strength for holding on tight.

Contents

Chapter Eleven

"It just looks like a big ball of grass to me." Brick wasn't impressed with his first glimpse of Velos 19. Hugo offered his riposte.

"That 'ball of grass' represents the nearest thing to home many people have. I'll never forget the day Verros Flexx blew up the planet of my birth. I vowed there and then to stop anyone going through what I did. I may have only been a young adult at the time but that day my hormones stepped up to the challenge and made me the man mountain of good you see before you." The speech was highly emotional and informative, yet entirely unnecessary and completely out of place with the mood and manner of the room.

"Erm...." Brick was unsure what response to give, or if one was even needed, so ploughed on with his next comment about the planet. "It looks very small to be the hub of all things heroic. Or is it some trick of space perspective?"

Hugo continued his over the top approach. "Size means nothing when a heroic heart beats so steadily beneath its surface." Spiritwind grinned agreement from behind his chicken and bacon wrap, motioning towards himself with his eyes in an effort to apply the analogy to his misperceived height.

"I'm sure it counts for something if a fleet of ships approach with the intent of wiping it from existence." Brick wasn't as easy to please.

"Velos 19 holds more than a strong heart-beat in defence. Beneath the meek exterior lies a mind the greatest warrior could only dream of possessing." The smile suggested the greatest warrior comment referred to him. Hugo continued, once he felt sure everyone understood his inference. "Any vessel that comes within viewing distance is scanned for evil intent. If even the slightest hint of such a dastardly notion is present then the whole craft is blasted with the Doesn't Matter Ray." Hugo stopped mid-sentence, inviting requests for him to divulge further. It merely prompted debate between Brick and Spiritwind.

"Must be some kind of anti-matter ray?" Brick took the first swipe at truth.

"I thought anti-matter rays were the weapons of made up tales, to give the hero a cool sounding gun?"

"Well anti-matter's real." Brick didn't speak with full confidence.

"Is it?" Spiritwind leapt on the doubt.

"Theoretically." Brick clung on with the scientists well used get out clause.

"In theory a bee can't fly but you don't see them being fired at bad guys in movies." Spiritwind's point didn't get the chance of response. Hugo had grown agitated at waiting to be the centre of attention and answered his own question.

"The Doesn't Matter Ray creates an inability in those it is used against to see the significance of the object it comes from, so abusers of morality see no point in concerning themselves with such an insignificant planet and fly on by." Hugo awaited the applause his explanations often received. All he got was sighs of understanding.

"Didn't you say it looked pointless?" Spiritwind stirred up trouble for his friend.

"I think you'll find I said it looked small, which it is; a physical characteristic that's easily verified rather than a judgement of intrinsic quality." Brick used every big word he knew in defence. He sensed Hugo trying to sniff out evil. As pompous as Hugo was Brick knew his arms could punch him through several walls in a row.

Hugo tried to look suspicious with an air of nonchalance. He just appeared sleepy, so gave up. "I must return to guide this carriage of good to our landing bay. Before I go you must insert these into your main breathing tubes." Hugo pulled a number of sponges from somewhere better not investigated. Brick voiced his concern.

"As I'm not drunk, and there are no women to impress, I'm going to have to ask for further reasons to stick these up my nose." It was a fair concern.

"They're atmospheric sponges. All planets with the ability to support the wonder of life hold the same components in the air. It is merely the proportions we struggle to adapt to. These sponges of scientific wonder redress the balance, allowing us to fight evil wherever it may hide." Hugo turned and headed back to the cockpit, mumbling something about good on the way.

By the time the trio had wrestled the sponges in to place the ship had landed.

"We are here men: the home of all that's true." Hugo appeared with a gentle leap and walked straight towards the door. Before anyone had time to respond it had opened and Hugo had set off down the ramp. The trio walked across to the opening and peered out. They were met by an underground car park of epic proportions. Row after row of beaming crafts sat in perfect lines. The spot Hugo had landed in was outlined in gold paint. An enormous image of his face adorned the wall. It grinned back, the writing beneath declaring: 'It's an honour; not a duty'.

A small welcoming committee stood at the bottom of the ramp: Two humanoid shaped men in elaborate and garish uniforms flanked what can only be described as a five foot high raindrop. Hugo was in discussion with the water based member. The newly arrived trio overheard the words.

"Hugo. We've been awaiting your arrival. Reason requires your urgent attention. Follow me." The raindrop turned to leave, ignoring the looks of curiosity Brick and Spiritwind offered. Hugo turned to his travelling companions before following.

"It's been a proud time men, but when it comes to the business of saving countless planets, and galaxies, I work alone. The risks I take in order to maintain my legendary status should only ever endanger my life, a life I'd give a thousand times over if it meant one innocent soul survived just a few hours more." The emotion threatened to end the sentence. Hugo fought through it to carry on. "I cannot ask anyone else to share my outlandishly brave and heroic actions. Our adventure together must end here, for now. If you struggle to find anyone willing to carry you on their quest just say the word and I'll be there by your side until you have a seat with another deserving crew. This fight must go on. Remember men: It's an honour; not a duty." Hugo saluted then chased after the erect puddle in a curious, skipping stride.

"I think we've just been dumped." Brick took his own conclusion from the monologue.

"Should we retire with some ice cream and comfy clothes? Look back at pictures of when times were joyous?" Spiritwind already had the ice cream and three spoons ready. The bald man's offer wasn't taken up. That didn't stop him opening the cold, dairy treat.

"I think he would have been a hindrance anyway. His lycra clad musings didn't fit in with our casual hero vibe." Brick did a short dance to accentuate the 'vibe'.

"Does this mean we are to disband entirely or may I remain with you?" Bobby felt it was only polite to clarify things.

"Bobby, you can stick with us for as long as you can tolerate us."

"Tolerance is never difficult when such personality is rife." Bobby made himself an instant hit with the pair.

"Who do you think this Reason person is that Hugo had to go and see?" Brick openly pondered while Spiritwind tried to remember if he'd brought any Flakes. Bobby saw a chance to be of use to the new group.

"From what I recall Reason is the ultimate source of fairness and morality. He guides the Hero's Council, but never dictates. He's something of a mythical figure, rarely seen by anyone but his closest aides. His wisdom has resolved countless conflicts and disputes that sat on the brink of war."

"I get it." Brick spotted a potential flaw. "Does this 'advice' come in the form of vague, infinitely interpretable answers? It's an old trick that. All you have to do is compare whatever situation you're dealing with, with an everyday occurrence and it makes you sound brilliant. Go on, try me." Brick was already convinced Reason was a fraud. Spiritwind did as his friend wished and offered a test.

"Why is there war?" Spiritwind remembered where he had a Flake. Unfortunately the ice cream had gone.

"As the fly bumps his head against the window of life we stand back and observe; if the fly could see, as we do, that it opens mere inches above, it would fly through unharmed rather than bruising its forehead through stubborn persistence."

"Forehead?" Spiritwind initially doubted.

"Give it a second to sink in." Brick held his hands up in request for consideration.

"Oh I see what you mean now. That's quite good actually."

"There are no mentions of flies when Reason speaks. His entire existence is spent trying to view the universe from as many perspectives as possible. Our perception of reality is always clouded by personal preconceptions and attitude. Reason searches for the grain of truth within everyone's view, weaving them together to form some semblance of actuality." Bobby interjected once more.

"I think you'll find my fly analogy covers the whole perspective issue." Brick remained convinced he could out reason, Reason.

"I thought this planet was covered in grass?" Spiritwind had moved on. The floor they stood on was entirely concrete. Nothing like the texture promised on approach.

"I can only presume we are inside the building." Bobby continued his role as guide. He explained further. "Velos 19 is famous, not only for being home to The Hero's Council, but also for being entirely covered by just one building."

"That must make the postal service very efficient." Brick assumed the mantle of practicality.

"So the grass is on the roof?" Spiritwind wondered if they grew roofing tiles in the garden.

"Indeed. Grass is truly the ruler of our universe, so adaptable and determined to grow in any environment. Were our cities to be abandoned it would be grass that would become the new residents within a hundred spins of the planet." The smile signalled Bobby had finished, prompting Brick to make a suggestion.

"As much as I enjoy car parks, fancy ships and Bobby's musings on life, I feel the need to explore this building further."

"I guess we should head to reception then." Spiritwind offered a direction to the notion.

"And how do you suggest we get there?" Brick's sarcasm was quelled by Spiritwind pointing to a six foot high, neon sign that flashed 'Reception' and offered an arrow to follow. "Come on then." Brick ignored his lack of awareness and took the lead.

After getting lost four times, climbing numerous stairs and walking down a whole host of corridors unnecessarily, the trio arrived in the reception hall to find a lift that led straight from the car park. It was irrelevant as the room they entered stole their breath.

The proportions suited the heroic nature of the building. A circular room stretched around and off in to the distance, the ceiling sitting several hundred feet above them. A single pane of glass covered its entirety, seemingly half a mile wide. It allowed more light to flow forth than could ever be needed. Pillars followed the contours of the room, rising upwards, supporting the roof with pride, honour and a sense of assurance that they'd never let it fall.

The whole room had been carved from marble, only with a warmth that is usually absent from such material. Statues littered the area, each on a plinth and attempting to be more daunting than its predecessor. Golden depictions of past battles were inscribed in the walls while chandeliers of impractical grandeur hung from thin wires and promised light when the sun would no longer suffice. Balconies sat high up the sides, deep red curtains shrouding what lay behind them, as numerous doors led away from the hall, although why anyone would ever want to leave was a mystery. The three heroes stood in awe, trying to take everything in.

A registration desk sat at the centre, continuing the circular theme. Countless receptionists manned it. The hall was awash with heroes, meeting old friends, making new ones, imparting tales of adventures, and generally acting bold. Brick eventually found a few words to say. They were a query directed at Bobby.

"Why does everyone look like Earthlings, except for that which defies at least three laws of physics?" Brick pointed to a creature in the distance that resembled a giraffe walking on its lips. Aside from a minority of exceptions everyone displayed humanoid characteristics, size and shape differing to an expected level but essentially two arms, two legs, torso and head in an upright position.

"They don't." Bobby disagreed.

"I'm afraid I'll have to beg to differ." Spiritwind would have joined in the differing but his mouth was filled with something sugar based and crunchy.

"That is your right but beware, your isolated perspective on the universe. They don't look like Earthlings, Earthlings look like them. This is the most common form taken by the vast majority of conscious life in the universe."

"Shall we go and register then?" Brick didn't acknowledge the conversational slap and began the journey to the registration desk. Spiritwind and Bobby followed.

Approaching the desk the receptionist grew in beauty. Surprisingly she greeted the trio with a smile usually reserved for old friends. Brick and Spiritwind grinned back hoping an old friend of hers wasn't stood behind them. Focused fully on the cheerful wonder they failed to acknowledge a blue flash that occurred around three feet from the desk. She spoke as they reached an easily sociable distance.

"Mr Wall, Jones and Dazzler. Welcome to Velos 19. My name is Aspiration and I'll be registering you today. I hope your stay is as great as the heroes you are." She winked, almost blinding Brick. He remained transfixed and speechless. Spiritwind maintained some composure.

"Thank you." It was the best he had.

"Evil surely doesn't stand a chance with you three big, strong men here to fight it."

"Thank you." Spiritwind still didn't have much more to offer. Brick was comatose with desire. Bobby only had eyes for the sun beams that streamed through the glass ceiling.

"You're in rooms 4444a, b and c. If there's anything I can do just call me, anytime you wish." She blinked in a manner that could be classified eighteen.

Spiritwind had never been any good at reading women's signals of desire, whether there or not, and Brick presumed every woman fancied him, which led to the same success rate as his friend, but even Spiritwind picked up on the fact Aspiration was flirting. Why she would be flirting with them confused him back to coherence, and the need for an answer.

"Could I just ask: you are flirting with us aren't you? I realise that may come across as arrogant and I apologise profusely if I'm wrong, but I don't think I am."

"If I thought you were arrogant I'd put it on my list of things that drive me wild about you, but you are not wrong, and the fact you're right makes me want you even more."

"So now we've established that, why are you flirting with us?" Spiritwind was genuinely puzzled, and a little warmer than before.

"Why would I not you heroic little wonder?" Her shuffles and movements were positively dances of love.

"Because we're distinctly average looking whereas your beauty is intimidating. Perhaps if you got to know us and discovered a sensitive side that transcends physical appearance then I could imagine a cheeky snog on a pier, but the level of attraction you're showing, from appearance alone, to all three of us, just isn't right. Unless we're in a movie of course, then all the rules are rescinded."

"You charmer, you." Aspiration tapped Spiritwind on the nose. It felt like a kiss from a silken angel with velvet lips. The accompanying giggle could leave a man paralysed with want. Spiritwind's grin betrayed his attempts at being calm while Brick considered removing an atmospheric sponge to mop up his dribble. Bobby continued his own love affair with the ceiling.

Aspiration leant forward supporting her perfect chin atop her perfect hands, which were supported by her perfect wrists and her perfect.....you get the idea. "My beauty has been scientifically calculated to a level known as irresistible. My flirting is designed to raise your ego to a level that will help you believe you are truly wonderful and increase your effectiveness as a hero. Arrogance and surety are essential to any leader of men, which you hunks of muscle clearly are."

Spiritwind spoke through his reddening face. "Surely telling us you don't really mean it invalidates the effect?"

"Not at all. I could tell you I'm not interested for a year and a day, but as long as you're a man and I continue to act in this manner you'll be convinced it is only a matter of time before I'm yours. Men never truly know what a woman feels, so when faced with such contradictory messages they simply pick the one that suits them best. You'll create all manner of reasons why we are not together but none of them will acknowledge the fact I'm just not that in to you. If you could pass back through the barrier for your second reading?" She smiled and signalled behind them, tapping something under the desk as she did so.

"Don't we have to register?" Spiritwind was reeling from the revelation, but still red.

"It was done automatically when you passed through the blue light." She continued watching something beneath the desk.

"So why are we doing it again?" Spiritwind knew their meeting was coming to an end. He wanted to spend as long as possible in meaningful contact with her.

"Your mind will be scanned for every question and answer your brain possesses. The results are collated and mulled over by Reason to search for clues and solutions to the universe's predicament. To see the universe from countless perspectives is to glimpse the truth." The smile suggested she loved them, but they should leave.

"Then I guess this is goodbye."

"It is." Aspiration's words were cold, but her smile warmer than the innards of a well cooked pie.

"Come on you." Spiritwind dragged Brick along. He shuffled with a modicum of resistance, his body complying but his head remaining fully focused on Aspiration. Bobby happily followed behind, still with one eye on the beams of light. Brick came back round about twenty feet from the desk.

"I'm in there." It was all he could say.

"Course you are." Spiritwind was over the brief fling.

"I know I say it a lot but I definitely am this time. Did you see the way she was looking at me?"

"Did you not listen to her?"

"She spoke as well. Think my ears stopped working to allow my eyes to stare more. How was her voice? I'll bet it was like liquid silver."

"What, hot and scarring?" Spiritwind wouldn't pander to poetry.

"We should go back. I didn't get a chance to give her my chat up line, or my room number. What is our room number by the way?"

The conversation continued as they headed off to find their rooms. Spiritwind hoped they weren't as hard to find as Brick's common sense when faced with a beautiful woman.

Contents
Chapter Twelve

A sparrow sat in its newly built nest, proud at its level of dexterity with a tool as awkward as a beak. It would have considered what it could accomplish given hands, but not being a conscious being it satisfied itself with a tilt of the head and a confused stare at nothing in particular. At the base of the tree the bird called home, were two halves of a previously perfect, white sphere. It had appeared from the sky and bounced towards the bird's residence at great speed, cracking on impact.

The sparrow had noticed the ball approaching but didn't consider it a threat until it struck the oak tree he resided in. The bird's only reaction had been a brief flapping of his wings and a few glances of mild concern. Satisfying itself that no further danger would follow he returned to his song about how good a nest he'd built, and that any females in the area should come and see what he'd done. Meanwhile the contents of the sphere struggled woozily to their feet and stumbled obediently behind their boss.

"Gooooooood. I see you're beginning to enjoy our little trips." Sid completely misinterpreted the groans and pale complexions of his henchmen. "Gather together the equipment and follow me. Forget anything and you will pay with tears and cries of agony." Sid's threat was unnecessary, but habits are hard to break.

Dollop and Sandbag collected the equipment: two large kit bags, a gramophone, and an armful of records. They followed behind, battling dizziness and the desire to throw up.

The planet they'd arrived on didn't have the feel of the hub of a dastardly plan. The air was fresh, the scenery a delight, and the temperature was warm enough to heat the muscles without inducing sweat. Trees dominated the landscape, occasionally opening out in to wide plains of grass. Hillocks punctuated the path to the horizon, the ground undulating just because it could. After twenty minutes walking Sid stopped at one of the mounds and turned to his men.

"Inside the bags you will find two suits. You WILL put these on." There was no need to be firm. The pair would happily wear whatever was needed, except for a few select items that had to be stipulated in their contracts. The fashion wars had sewn their harvest, employment law had reaped it. "Behind this hill lies the engine of my plan. I don't want to see it derailed through a simple mistake. This is where my predecessors have always erred: the small details are the fulcrum. The future of success sits upon them. I will not fail because your appearance terrifies my subjects into action."

The sentence didn't make any sense, but Dollop believed all would become clear in time. Despots loved knowing a secret, but loved letting people know they knew a secret even more, and positively adored letting everybody know the secret they'd been keeping and awaiting the praise their genius deserved. For the moment the two henchmen concerned themselves with the bag and its contents.

They pulled out an all in one body suit each. Sandbag held it against his ample bulk. He dwarfed the outfit without effort.

"I'm not sure this'll fit." Sandbag had only honesty.

"It Will." Sid's statement was not to be argued with.

Searching for the opening, Dollop and Sandbag rotated the cloth in their hands. Eventually finding a zip at the apparent back they pulled it open and fluffed out the inside. It was clear it should be entered feet first. The material accepted their considerable brawn without question. This did nothing to lighten the shock each experienced when looking down. In place of the monstrous legs that usually supported their beastly frames sat two scrawny, human legs covered in tatty pants and dishevelled, worn, cloth boots. Placing their arms in the intended slots the zip was pulled up and the attached hoods pulled over their heads. Confused they turned to Sid, who now, as far as the observing world could fathom, stood alongside two average human beings dressed as any other peasant from the English lands during the Earth's medieval period.

"Gooooooood. You look as insignificant as all the other cogs in my wonderful plan, which includes everybody in the universe. Hahahahahahahaha." The laughter lasted the short journey over the hillock where they were faced with a medieval village that, on the surface, appeared no different from any other.

A scattering of wooden huts formed a vague circle, surrounding an opening that served as something of a communal area. An untended fire smouldered at its centre, human activity bubbled away at a minimum. Dusty roads led away to similar gatherings of abodes. All offered a sense of life without the evidence of action to back it up. Dollop could see into a nearby hut. Although poorly lit he could make out a figure lay down. It appeared to be on a nine foot bean bag. Sid barked out his next orders before the henchman could look closer. Dollop wasn't much of a historian but he was sure such furniture had no place in medieval England.

"Set up the gramophone here." Sid pointed to a spot on the hillock then returned to surveying the scene before him. He appeared proud, like a father showing his sons what would one day be theirs. "If I had either tear ducts or weak emotions I'd consider crying at the sight before me. To see evil being played out in such harmony."

Dollop and Sandbag set up the gramophone, glancing nervously at each other as they did. They sensed Sid was trying to entice them in to asking further questions, but equally he could be trying to entice them in to perceived insolence for prying in to his business; insolence that would be thoroughly punished. Dollop's experience suggested silence would the best tactic to employ. Sandbag followed his lead.

Sid had been desperate to tell somebody his plan without having to kill them instantly since concocting it. He was undecided whether to punish or reward his henchmen's curiosity should it emerge, but as they all stood in silence Sid realised he would have to say something. Even megalomaniacs struggle with the potency of social awkwardness.

"Originally I bought this Earth franchise as a place to be alone and begin hatching my next sinister plan. Impatience being one of my virtues I tired of waiting for the program to finish and came here before completion. I had to admit it was a haven of tranquillity. I almost regretted slaying the salesperson for their bold boasts and overselling techniques." Sid savoured the uncalled for revenge in his mind. "Where was I? Oh yes. Whilst here, I grew frustrated at the lack of comfortable places to sit. My posterior is worth more than the pathetic wooden offerings I found, and so I set about importing my own seating. Some IDIOT at Comfyco, who I must add met with a very unfortunate accident involving my metal fist soon after, typed in the wrong details and sent enough chairs for the whole planet. Not wishing to turn my haven in to a bloodbath of fury I simply distributed the seating throughout the globe and continued thinking. After being here for several centuries I noticed something very strange."

Another pause followed. Sid thought his cliff-hanger may invoke a comment, a comment he could pounce on. The memories of vengeance had stirred his evil yearnings. Dollop and Sandbag maintained their silent tactic. Sid's pause and suspicious glance made him look odd, causing him to relent and continue.

"You see the natives remained living a remarkably frugal lifestyle. No cities developed, communication beyond shouting never occurred, weapons were not needed, even takeaways remain non-existent. The whole planet just sat down and stopped evolving, which is when it struck me: Apathy! If I could somehow spread this level of apathy throughout the universe then nobody would stand in my way. Who could be bothered to? I could declare myself ruler of the universe." Sid turned as though his crowning ceremony was taking place before their very eyes. Dollop and Sandbag had another piece of the jigsaw to ponder. Dollop was particularly impressed with it. Sid wallowed in the imaginary crowd's applause for a while, before returning to the story.

"Using my new found knowledge I set about the specifics of my plan. I required large enough quantities of apathy to infect the entire universe. Meaning the population had to grow well in excess of the pittance here, yet I couldn't just visit large planets and flood their masses with cushions. I was so infuriated at not spotting the solution sooner that I wiped out an entire solar system in frustration. It was obvious: comfy seating had to evolve within a thriving society, taking control once all the hard, physical work had been completed. Once their world became automated they could lie back as a species and never leave their seats again, which with their weak minds they surely would. Hahahahahahahaha. This mass lounging session would generate vast quantities of apathy to help me conquer the universe. Hahahahahahaha."

Dollop grew increasingly impressed at the theory. Sid grew increasingly wheezy at all the laughing. The little, bad guy soldiered on.

"Once I knew how to generate the apathy I needed a method of distribution. I knew that apathy spreads like the warmest of butter so all I needed was to strategically position enough Earth franchises in the relevant places and the universe would slowly infect itself. The greatest irony is that when I placed such a large order of Earths, the company offered me a golden discount card. Imagine that, rewarded for being so dastardly. Hahahahahaha."

Dollop and Sandbag sat down. The laughter was drawing things out unnecessarily. Sandbag spoke to Dollop. Unfortunately Sid overheard through his mirth. "So what's the gramophone for?" Sid stopped rolling around the floor in giggles and shot across to the henchman. With Sandbag sat down in his man suit the pair met at eye level.

"You dare to ask for more information after I've laid the soul of my plan bare?" Dollop cringed at what may happen next. "Goooooood. I like curiosity in my employees. I'll save that nugget of information until I can demonstrate it fully. For now we have recordings to make."

Sid turned and walked to the said gramophone. Sandbag told the part of the brain he'd prepared to deal with pain to relax. The tension that had filled both beasts' muscles subsided. Dollop had given up being surprised by various bosses unpredictable behaviour and let the experience wash away with the days other trivial moments.

The day continued at a relaxed pace, set by the lethargic animals that idled by. Unrushed by the changing light, Dollop had spent the day in the village attempting to talk to residents. Sandbag had joined him briefly but grew bored quickly. Nobody was interested in making conversation. They couldn't be bothered with that sort of thing irrelevant of the topic raised. Sid had meandered by the gramophone, recording all the time. Dollop found that as long as the villagers were left alone to sit in their chairs they weren't concerned with the wider universe and its goings on. Impressed by the effect, but equally sad at what it had robbed from them, Dollop returned to Sid.

The armoured maniac was in an amenable mood.

"They're definitely apathetic." Dollop tried to shake off the lingering thoughts that had been slowly entering his mind. All he could think about was finding the greatest comfort. He appeased his mind with the promise of a nap the moment they got back on the ship. For now it would have to make do with a quick sit on the lusciously, plump looking grass, although he point blank refused to fetch a blanket and a pillow.

"There's no doubt." Sid spoke in a civil and almost friendly manner. "Do you know what year it is here?" It was clearly a question Sid didn't want answering by anyone but himself. "2132. There should be a thriving metropolis with flying cars and computers the size of atoms. Humans should be able to contact any other on the planet with nothing more than a thought, but see what has happened." Sid pointed towards a man twizzling a stick that connected his hand to his nose. It allowed him to pick it with minimal effort. "The height of their technology. Now do you believe in my attempt?"

Dollop nodded slowly and murmured a sense of agreement fuelled by admiration. Sid strolled into the village, laughing with his arms raised for no reason other than excess joy.

Dollop wasn't naïve enough to fully believe they would win. He knew the plot was still likely to unravel like the weakest of knots, but for now he lay back and allowed the possibility of ending his career with a victory to toy with his dreams. As his eyes closed the lethargy in the village giggled at reeling in another victim. It had more than one trick to play when it came to inducing rest.

Contents
Chapter Thirteen

The rooms were definitely a disappointment in Brick's eyes. As heroes about to embark on a mission to save the universe he'd expected a palace each. Not the basic accommodation on offer. He expressed his annoyance to Spiritwind and Bobby. All three had returned to the foyer after checking where they'd be sleeping.

"Not even a trouser press."

"Why do you want a trouser press? You never take those off." Spiritwind nodded towards Brick's well worn jeans.

"The Guild don't know that. For all they know I could be a hero who has pride in his appearance."

"I found my room to be the essence of home. Once I'd added a few personal touches." Bobby beamed as Spiritwind nibbled the complimentary biscuits that had come with the complimentary tea set in his own boarding.

"You're small. It probably did feel like a palace to you." Brick aimed his ire at Bobby.

"The rooms are allocated in relation to your size. Bobby will have the exact same amount of space as that monster over there." Spiritwind pointed to a thirty foot beast with four legs and two arms. It was sipping from a cup whilst holding the saucer between two of its three lips.

"You can't just make things up so I look stupid."

"I haven't made anything up. I read the manual that was on the bed."

Brick had already lost interest in the conversation. He'd seen something far more appealing on the far side of the vast hall. "Does the word pub mean the same thing out in the depths of the universe?" A neon light hung above a darkened doorway, reflecting its contents in three simple letters.

"The word pub is a by-word for entertainment the length and breadth of all that is. Wherever it resides there are pockets of joy waiting to be devoured." Bobby joined the group's unspoken gravitation towards the mysterious room.

"At least we can get a drink, may be enough to get me over the disappointment of those rooms. Who doesn't put a balcony in every room?"

"Aren't we inside one massive building?" Spiritwind tried to introduce logic.

"Your point?"

"There's no outside to put a balcony on."

"Semantics my dear chap. Now let us drink." Brick walked ahead, making it clear the discussion was over. Spiritwind was happy to discover several complimentary mints he'd pocketed without realising. Bobby was just happy.

************

Jam Shandy sat in the pub, as he had done since arriving. His posture didn't disguise the fact, slumped in a chair. His appearance did little to suggest it was uncommon of the man. Jam's entire head was practically a ball of hair. A large circular nose appeared at the centre, offering hints as to where the fringe and beard overlapped. The light brown top hat that adorned his head wilted half way up; battered in to submission by experience. An equally light brown overcoat covered his five and a half foot frame. Rope hung at its side should it need to be fastened. Beneath the coat were the waistcoat and trousers of a dishevelled, tweed suit. The top button of the ornate shirt was long lost, leaving the tie to loosely hold the neck together. Although clean his overall appearance was scruffy, but it was carried off with a charm and sincerity. Jam took another swig of one of his drinks, looking blurry eyed at the travelling companion that sat opposite him. As the captain of The Little Tub of Fun Jam had also been asked to provide transport for a fellow hero, the hero looked back uncomfortably, all three of him.

"So you all share a voice?" Jam leaned forward quizzically, almost falling from his sofa.

"Yes." The Magwanvu answered the question it had heard several times already. They were learning about Jam's sozzled memory through experience.

"But you're three entirely separate beings?"

"Yes."

"Yet you all move in perfect synchronicity with each other?"

"Yes." The three replied as one, as they always did. The frustrated tone was common but not to such a degree.

"So you all share a name?"

"No."

"No!" Jam fell back in to his seat and a world of confusion. The Magwanvu tried to explain for the umpteenth time.

"I am Ma Gwanvu, I am Mag Wanvu, and I am Magwan Vu. Collectively we are known as The Magwanvu." The fact all three pointed to themselves after each introduction didn't help anyone. The identical, silver, featureless faces they owned was a kick in the shins for those that wished to try. Jam only had one answer for such confusion.

"I need a drink......"

"It's okay. Nothing spilt. It's fine. I'm fine." Jam looked up to find Brick sprawled across a comfort ball next to The Magwanvu. Brick held a rack of drinks perfectly straight above his head. Unfortunately his face lay buried in the carpet. Spiritwind could be seen behind his friend, trembling gently with laughter.

Brick, Spiritwind and Bobby had entered the pub and gone straight to the bar. Asking what the usual tipple of choice was they'd been given a rack of test tubes filled with brightly coloured liquids. Happy to be acting like real heroes they had set off to find a seat.

The pub was spacious beyond need. Numerous areas of seating littered the drinking arena, each separated through clever use of lighting. The room felt dark but vision was barely impaired, each social area lit up to a level of comfortable ambience. The illusion of being alone executed to perfection. Soft beats supplied the background noise, allowing speech but also allowing silence without discomfort. The walls were adorned with artworks of serenity while indoor waterfalls cascaded their relaxing aura. At the centre sat an Olympic size swimming pool of anti gravity. Some heroes were training, putting in a few final laps and relieving the guilt of being in a pub. One mixed gender group were flirting, splashing each other with air in an effort to induce a wrestle or some other form of socially acceptable intimacy. It was a pleasant environment and the trio felt perfectly at home. Brick had been so lost in the sights before him he'd walked straight in to one of the seating options in Jam's domain.

A few glances during Brick's recovery had negotiated a coming together of the two groups. Jam welcomed the threesome to join him and the curious triple fellow opposite, who he couldn't recall the name of.

The seating area consisted of a quartet of sofa's forming a social rectangle. A table sat between them. Each settee was punctuated by a comfort ball: a three foot high ball of soft material that moulded to the body of whoever wished to use it. Brick manoeuvred himself on to the one that had felled him, next to The Magwanvu. The less distance he travelled the less chance of falling again. Spiritwind took the spare sofa between Jam and Brick, Bobby sat opposite the hairless wonder. Jam offered an introduction.

"Welcome one and all. My name is Jam Shandy and this is.......Sorry what's your name again?" Jam offered his apologetic palm to the heroic triplicate.

"We are The Magwanvu." The tone was deadened through repetition. Brick was too busy adjusting himself to notice anything odd about their synchronised movement. Spiritwind saw but decided to wait and see if it was a coincidence or an interesting quirk worth commenting on.

"The Magwanvu, that's an interesting name." Jam was heading for a personal record in social incompetence. All three of The Magwanvu buried their frustrated heads in their peeved hands. It was enough to convince Spiritwind there was more than a coincidence at work.

"Are you all moving as one?"

"Yes." The muffled, monotone answer trickled between their fingers.

"And speaking as one?"

"Yes."

"Are you one person in three bodies then?"

"No. We are three separate entities sharing one collective expressive."

"Oh." Spiritwind pondered for a moment before relaying his thoughts. "So only one of you is actually talking?"

"Yes." They looked up without changing their tone. They knew what was coming.

"Which one?" Predictably they all pointed to themselves. "I see. That must get very annoying." They nodded slowly, in perfect synch.

"Did you just all move in perfect unison?" Brick had finally straightened his clothing and joined the social circle. He'd missed the conversation. The level of frustration coming from The Magwanvu was palpable, which was useful as their smooth faces remained without expression. "Did I say something wrong?"

"Let's have a drink and return to the discussion over our new friends later." Spiritwind tried to change the subject. Brick's face apologised to the world. He was quickly over it and surveyed the drinks before him.

"Which one first?" The newcomers to the table had been given a rack of twelve test tubes each. Bright colours looked back without label or explanation. All were designed to alter your sensory perception of the world. Brick picked one at random, as did Spiritwind and Bobby. All downed their tube and waited.

The entire room stared Brick in the face as he experienced everyone's perception of him in an instant. The impression each person had formed of him bulldozed its way into his mind as the incompetent Earthling glimpsed himself as the world saw him. The rush of information slapped him back in to his seating choice. He remained there. Perplexed but able to speak, the casual hero turned to Spiritwind.

"Have you tried the green one yet?" As he asked Spiritwind fell back in to his seat in the same manner. "Oh yes."

Jam had seen the pair's reaction and offered an explanation. He may not be good with names, faces, or any other type of memory, but he knew the effects of every substance known to conscious beings. "I see you drank the anti-drink, drink. The idea was to make people aware of how ridiculously they behave when drunk. Backfired completely. Everybody enjoyed the rush so much they created a whole new branch of addicts."

"What does the red one do?" Brick was eager for more. He'd emptied the tube before he could be told.

"Confuses you like nobody's business." Jam continued as informer whilst trying to swig from an empty glass for the third time. He turned to Spiritwind. "Have I taken something that makes me see in triplicate because I'm sure there's three of that bloke. Although if I'm seeing in threes that would mean in reality there's only a third of you." Jam checked his glass for liquid with his thumb. It was a shame he couldn't check for sense so easily.

"No that's The Magwanvu. He's here with you."

"Is he? I thought I only gave you a lift." Jam looked at the table for support.

"We've only just met." Spiritwind tried to maintain the flow of the conversation without laughing at the dot to dot version of the world he now saw in.

"Really, I thought we'd known each other for years. I do apologise. My name's Jam Shandy. Nice to meet you."

"We've done this bit. I'm Spiritwind." Spiritwind took an instant liking to Jam. The fact his name was food based only enhanced it.

"Good to meet you Spiritwind. I'm Jam Shandy."

"Why's your head flat?" Brick interrupted the potentially eternal circle of introductions. His latest drink removed the third dimension from the taker's vision. Spiritwind reached for the peak of his baldness, checking it still bent in the appropriate places.

"You must have ingested the purple phial. Isn't the world a sight to behold without the extra dimension?" Bobby grinned an extra wide grin as he spoke. Jam remained confused as to who all the people were.

"I'm taking the blue one as well, see what that does." Brick threw the blue tube of liquid down his throat. His 2-D vision flipped upside down in response. Sheer confusion forced him to ask a question. He hoped the answer would give him time to adjust to his new method of perceiving the world. "So, Mr Shandy, how did you gain your hero card?"

"I'm not sure." Jam continued staring at The Magwanvu. They were lost in their own world where every individual atom could be seen. The visual effect was astonishing and left them lost in wonder.

Brick continued battling his senses, fearing an itch. The logistics of scratching it were beyond his comprehension. "Don't be modest Mr Shandy. We've all saved at least a planet."

"I'm not being. I genuinely don't remember. I went out one night with friends and by the time I came round I was in the middle of a victory parade. Apparently I'd done a great thing." Jam's wandering eyes didn't leave the border of The Magwanvu throughout.

"Have you never asked anyone?" Spiritwind joined in. He could see Brick struggling. For some reason the well haired hero thought it wise to try and cross his legs as a sign of interest. All he managed to do was kick The Magwanvu. All three flinched, but looking down at the atoms that made up their legs distracted them beyond any protests.

"I'd rather not. What if I found out it wasn't actually anything to do with me? I'd never be bought another drink in my life."

"Do you dance? That's strictly a question not an invitation." Brick burst back in with a question for the triple being. Speech was the only thing that made any sense, and he needed all the sense he could gather.

"Often."

"I'll bet that's a sight to behold." Brick tried to lean back casually. Instead he flipped over the back of the ball. Any attempt to cushion the blow disappeared as his limbs floundered in every direction except the right one. He struggled back to his seat, enquiring as to The Magwanvu's credentials on the way.

"How did you save your planet?"

"I fired the Big Gun. Erm, who fired the Big Gun? I did. It may have been your arm but it was my intention...." The three heads swivelled furiously, debating back and forth with each other. "We were only there to do it because I dragged us up in time. Oh well done for waking up....."

"What did you fire the gun at?" Brick needed some stability to pull him through. Questions seemed to be working.

"The big ship that was threatening our planet. That I spotted. You say you spotted it. I did spot it. Just because you said it first doesn't mean you saw it first. You didn't say it, I did. I think you'll find I said it....."

"Was it your gun?" Brick had his head buried in the seating area of his ball. He took a moment to consider his next move.

"No. It is the defensive gun of our world. 'We' simply pushed the button when told to by our superiors." The trio folded their arms. It appeared they weren't speaking to each other.

"And you got grade one status for that?" Brick's head remained buried.

"So what did you do?" The Magwanvu became lost in the atoms of their folded arms.

"We missed the bus." Spiritwind stepped in before Brick could get going on a monologue.

"We did a little more than that....." The attempt at debate was too much for Brick's brain. He slid off the chair and back to the floor.

"Do you want to sit apart for a while? You look pretty angry. Feel free to sit somewhere else if you need to." Spiritwind tried to mediate between the three connected beings.

"We can't. We can't be separated by more than one glixal." A sense of stroppy oozed from every metallic pore.

"How far is a glixal?" Brick perked up at the thought of a challenge.

"From about here to that pillar. No it isn't. How would you know? You don't know a glixal from a tranjle. I'm very adept at distances. I know how far your face is from my fist and I can tell you it's getting closer all the time....."

Brick watched on, blinking slowly. With his eyelids down he suddenly realised by closing his eyes he could let his subconscious control his body. It was only thinking that was creating such confusion. He surveyed The Magwanvu and the pillar. He had an idea that could stop the argument and test their claim in one move.

Before anyone could stop him Brick stood, picked up Mag Wanvu and bolted towards the pillar. Reaching the faux structure Brick felt the load lighten. Without vision he believed he'd been the subject of an injection of strength and continued running. By the time Brick fell into the anti-gravity pool Mag Wanvu had materialised back on the sofa, looking smug at proving the pillar was almost exactly a glixal away.

Brick was in no rush to return and joined in the fun in the pool for a while, until he offended three heroic ladies with his flirting. His wandering eyes and general confusion were anything but smooth. When he did rejoin the group a decision had been made.

"Jam says we can join his crew." Spiritwind tried to eat a pork pie. It was difficult when it constantly looked as though it was floating away.

"That's marvellous news." Brick took his seat, pleased nobody felt the need to mention his little jaunt. "Can we float around on your ship? The last one was a terrible disappointment."

"Why of Course. The Little Tub of Fun has a rest room for all the gravity molecules. They can go in there and relax. No pressure to hold anything up or push it down. I often spend days in there doing non-stop somersaults, drinking bubbles of water and the like."

"I feel an instant kinship with yourself and your craft Mr Shandy. It would be a pleasure to be part of your crew."

"Well if we plan to form a merry band may I suggest these?" Jam pulled a bag of yellow tubes from his coat. "These wondrous phials offer the sensation of an entire night out with all those in close proximity who have taken the same substance, yet in real time only a few minutes have passed. The secret to any group bonding is a good few nights out together. Like the synapses of a child let us reach out to form a single unit of thought, only a really drunken one." Jam passed the drinks round.

"I like this guy." Brick spoke to Spiritwind.

"That's what I said." Spiritwind looked forward to the end of night food he would get to repeat over and over again.

"I think we make fine heroes." Brick toasted the group. Moments later seven empty glasses struck the table.

"Did those guys all just move at the same time?" Jam continued a theme.

Contents
Chapter Fourteen

A record turned, slowly building momentum as the drive belt overcame the friction that battled to hold it in place. Dollop, Sandbag and Sid had returned to The Underground Tower of Crizal. They stood in the main hall Sid used as the centre of his plan.

The vinyl disc which had been recorded on their short trip fed its contents into the base of a machine, a machine that Dollop could only stare at. Sandbag wobbled woozily behind him, still recovering from the return journey. Sid had taken his place at the centre of what could aptly be described as a contraption.

A tower of screens piled upwards beyond sight, vaguely tubular in design. Any number would be a guess but Dollop put it in the thousands. Sid sat on a chair, which in turn sat on an arm that allowed movement in any direction and to any height. The instant Sid sat the chair took off, pausing at different screens before hurtling away again. There appeared no discernible order to the route he took.

Dollop watched on, his curiosity growing. His thoughts were only interrupted when Sid appeared inches from his face. "Do you see? Do you see how brilliantly my plan is working?" The armoured fiend shot off before an answer could be given. Dollop was pleased as he didn't have one to offer. Only moments later he returned to the henchman. "Look at how they so feebly fall in to my trap. A trap they don't even know exists. Hahahahahahaha" A spin launched the megalomaniac away once more, arms raised and spinning wildly he declared what the screens displayed. "Behold every Earth franchise I own in full Technicolor splendour. From this one point I can monitor every inch of every sorrowful land, watching as it falls beneath my spell."

Sandbag leant over to Dollop. He didn't wish to watch Sid for fear of the dizziness he may induce, but he was listening and commented thus. "That must take a lot of cameras."

Sid stopped dead. He was incredibly proud of the ingenuity he had shown in monitoring each Earth and relished the chance to explain. This didn't stop him swooping down to Sandbag and circling him slowly, drawing tension from his muscles and panic from his lungs. The silence lasted just long enough to make a point. It was just a shame nobody knew what the point was.

"Cameras! Ha. Do I look like a creature from the past?" Neither henchman was stupid enough to answer that question, medieval armour or not. "These planets positively brim with life in every pore of their existence. It's impossible to be anywhere without a million insects of one sort or another burrowing beneath your feet or circling the very air you breathe. Why would I, with my superior intellect and fiendish mind, not use such a gift? WHY?" Again no answer was actually needed. "By amalgamating the collective perception of these tiny beasts I can see and hear places other megalomaniacs can only dream of. Hahahahahahahaha. What good is an animal with built in antennae if you don't plan to use them to broadcast? Hahahahahahahaha." Sid laughed maniacally, nudging the joystick on his chair by mistake and flying round the contraption three times before regaining control. He returned to the duo confused. "Where was I?"

Dollop tried his luck. Curiosity had got the better of him. "You were explaining how the gramophone contraption works."

"Was I?" Sid was uncertain but too embarrassed at his faux pas to argue. "I suppose I must have been." He began a slowly rising spiral, partly to prove he could control his seat and partly so he was higher than anyone else, but mainly because he wanted to. "As I studied I realised the potency of comfy seating to be enormous, especially when aiming to induce apathy; however many people showed an unhealthy resistance to sitting in one spot for any length of time. My early attempts failed as gymnasiums appeared and were used to their full capacity. The lure of a comfy seat back home wasn't enough to draw them away and waste countless months of a direct debit they were locked in to. Home fitness workouts were used for fitness and not, as I'd intended, the titillation of young boys. I needed something more. I needed a two pronged attack." Sid bit his fist, or at least motioned the intention. He'd forgotten his face mask was fully closed.

"After further experimentation I found the answer: as well as releasing comfy seating I needed to bombard the planets with apathy. Raining it down upon them they would be unknowingly forced back to bed for another five minutes, to ride a vehicle when walking would be so much easier, to take the lift up no more than two flights of stairs, to order shopping online rather than leaving the confines of home. And so I harvest the sensation in its purest form from the planet we have just visited and place it inside this machine." Realising he would soon be out of earshot and shouting would ruin any dramatics he wished to convey, Sid suddenly plummeted, stopping within breath of his henchmen. Sandbag's posture emanated calmness, even though his stomach wanted to emanate last night's tea. Staring motionless at the pair, Sid again asserted his terror for no apparent reason before gliding towards the gramophone.

"This machine is linked to every planet you can see on these screens. It takes the raw apathy and feeds it to each one at the exact level required, dependent upon its point in my apathy cycle. Too much too soon and social evolution will cease, too little and they will all become mental and physical athletes. The balance has to be perfect."

Sid realised he'd missed a part of the explanation out. Cursing himself, and inducing cramp in his foot as punishment, he turned to the two beasts and made a feeble attempt to squeeze it naturally into the ongoing discussion.

"What is that you say? Where does the apathy go when it reaches its destination?" Dollop and Sandbag did everything they could not to look completely bemused. They failed miserably. "Why it searches out every cushion, chair, pillow, and bean bag; anything with even the slightest ooh potential. Once found it waits inside scanning for victims, for those who look as though they'd appreciate the rest. Enticing them in with an irresistible plumpness it snares them, holding them in position." Sid glanced at the pair. Everyone knew he hadn't got away with his cumbersome verbal shoe-in but nobody was about to mention it.

Sid continued. "Once apathy has saturated the Earth to the required levels it spreads beyond the planet's boundaries and out into space, searching the universe for its next victim. Finding a new host it repeats the pattern until everyone and everything is infected with a desire to not. Hahahahahahaha."

"What's so special about that screen?" Sandbag took Sid's verbal offering as a sign of freedom to ask questions. He pointed to a golden screen covered in lights and sitting at the base of the tower. Sid replied without anything other than courtesy.

"Aaaaaaaaaah. This is Dave Normal." The image showed a standard human sat on the edge of a bed he was trying to leave. His hands cradled his head. "Dave lives at the emotional centre of the universe. The mental state of all that exists is averaged out and mapped on to Mr Normal's life. He is the physical representation of the universe's emotional state. He is entirely unaware of such a thing, which is a shame as knowing this would save him a fortune in therapy. You see at the moment Dave is growing tired of the daily grind, but when not only does he stop going to work in the mornings but he stops even setting his alarm, I will know enough of the cosmos is infected to begin phase two of my plan."

"What's phase two?" Sandbag continued in the mood of open questioning. Sid however had switched temperament and screeched to within millimetres of Sandbag's left tusk.

"If you pry in to my business once more I'll continue my mission with one henchman and a jar of innards to keep my thoughts warm at night." The tilt of Sid's head sent an unwanted shiver through Sandbag's body. "Back to your quarters."

A flippant turn and flick of a switch activated the bracelets both henchmen wore. The pair were dragged into the air by their arms, through several previously closed doors, and flung back into their room. Sandbag sat up, rubbing his shoulder apologetically. "I guess that was one question too far. Sorry about that."

"It's okay. All part of the job." Dollop relocated to his bed. It groaned under the weight, but did so with a promise to uphold its duty of supported rest.

Sandbag stood and equally found his bed. He was still shaking slightly from his exposure to Sid's raw fear. He attempted speaking to distract his mind. "It does sound like a very clever plan, although the plans always sound clever to me. It amazes me when the hero turns up and points out the obvious unguarded flaw."

"It does sound clever, and I wouldn't blame you for getting carried away, but I'm always wary of inevitability." Dollop shuffled around, settling on a foetal position of rest. "Sounds like we won't have to fight any major battles though. That's a bonus." He rested his monstrous eyes beneath his beastly lids.

"I thought you loved a good battle. You once told me it was the best way to start the day. Aside from Ak-Lak-MiLak and eggs on toast."

"I did. I used to love the smell of an axe whistling past my face, but where I once saw the healthy expression of pent up rage and a chance to demonstrate physical dominance I now see the chance to slip on the mud on to a discarded spear, or catching my hammer in a buckle and being defenceless for that crucial split second. Field battles rely too much on fortune. Once I realised that I couldn't go in with the same enthusiasm. I spent all my time checking my equipment. Started buying new shoes the moment the tread wore out, oiled my armour regularly, all those distractions took my eye completely off the task in hand. I'm afraid the wild abandon of youth has left these bones, I fear never to return. I've faced my mortality and no longer see it stretch out before me. Age has made me thankful for the things I wish to hold on to."

"Well I still can't get enough of them. It's the best part of the job: going crazy in a big open space filled with people trying to do you harm. Bring it on, I say."

"I wouldn't expect you to change your natural instincts with one monologue. Only time and experience can do that." Dollop drifted further towards sleep.

"I'm sure there're plenty of both yet to come." Sandbag lay back, twitching at the thought of war but restful in his posture.

"My point proved to perfection. Oh to combine the experience of age with the blind abandon of youth." Dollop let out a wishful sigh and turned to face the wall. Even the worrying throb that emanated from the very building couldn't disturb his imminent slumber. The occasional cackle reverberating around the Underground Tower reminded them of where they were, but they were too tired to care. It had been a long day with an excessive amount of travelling. They both hoped tomorrow would be played out in one location.

Contents
Chapter Fifteen

Brick and Spiritwind stumbled back towards their hero accommodation. Everybody else from the impromptu party had retired to bed, leaving the human duo on a self-set quest for food. It had been a success. They turned the final corner, bucket of fried chicken bones in hand, and were confronted by four guards standing in the corridor.

"Brick Wall and Spiritwind Capernicus Jones?" The one wearing the biggest hat spoke.

"See, even complete strangers know my name should come first." Brick waved a bone to accompany his speech. The word's pointless nature suggested the cacophony of drinks were still swilling around his mind.

"I never disagreed." Spiritwind dipped in to the French fries he'd stored in his pocket.

"Drink these please." A guard with a slightly smaller hat offered two phials of a rainbow coloured liquid. Brick and Spiritwind drank without question. It had become instinctive after the night they'd had.

"What if we just drank poison?" Brick had a thought.

"Then we have made a terrible mistake, but a very flavoursome mistake. Hold on. I do feel funny. I think.....I think I'm.....sobering up."

"It is poison. Quick, spit it out." Brick found the chicken had soaked up all his spare phlegm.

"Reason wishes to make your acquaintance. Please follow us." The guard ignored the charade and walked away. After a few moments rubbing their tongues in an effort to remove the sobering liquid from their bodies, the pair followed.

"We should get a box of that stuff. I feel good enough to start drinking again." Brick couldn't keep up with the guard through natural pace, but running seemed inappropriate. He settled on a curious hopping, skipping hybrid jog.

"We should get two boxes." Spiritwind enhanced the thought.

"It's thinking like that that reminds me why I let you hang around with me." Spiritwind's protestations at who allowed who to hang around with who were quelled by the large hatted guard and his instructions.

"In here." A room revealed itself from behind a wall. It smelt distinctly like a lift. Again without question the duo stepped inside.

"Maybe we should have learnt from the drinking without question scenario in the corridor that we shouldn't be so willingly led." Spiritwind raised a much needed point.

"Who in their right minds would sober up two grade one heroes of our calibre, restoring our awesome fighting ability, and then try to capture us?" Brick offered his attempt at a mean stare. None of the guards could see beyond their hats even if they were interested, which they weren't.

"We missed the bus. We couldn't fight a kitten."

"These guys don't know that." Brick returned to his grimace until a guard pushed a button. Any sense of firm ground being beneath their feet disappeared as the lift plummeted at a speed reserved for vehicles with jets attached. The eventual deceleration was less jarring. Coming to a halt Brick and Spiritwind gave their minds a chance to catch up. Not being objects of mass their descent had been a little slower.

The doors slid open to reveal a luxurious house overlooking the ocean. The lift sat inside it. The pair's mouths awaited words as they stepped into what appeared to be the living area. Directly ahead of them the entire wall was missing, the floor leading seamlessly out on to a spacious veranda. The open plan theme spread throughout the floor they were on, subtle changes in the wood's pattern distinguishing each area's purpose. The entire house appeared to be carved from one tree, the sheen of each surface still emanating the life that had once resided within the material.

A large egg on legs occupied the living space. The guard with the most impressive hat approached it. After a brief consultation the guard walked away. The egg turned to reveal a man sized penguin smoking a pipe and drinking a cup of something warm. The matching saucer seemed excessive but suited the holder well. A paisley smoking jacket and monocle were the only items to adorn the bird. The penguin stood and approached Brick and Spiritwind. Neither felt bad about staring.

"Hello. I am Reason. I'm pleased to make your acquaintance." The voice fitted a giant penguin perfectly, squeaky and with a lisp, but didn't sit well as the universe's speaker of fairness and truth.

"You're Reason?" Brick had to check.

"Yes." A wisp of smoke spiralled away as punctuation.

"The one being all others listen to when deciding what is fair and right in the universe?" Brick wanted to make sure there weren't two Reasons'.

"They choose to listen, I merely speak. Nobody is obliged to follow or even take notice of my words; however it appears many feel what I say to be a fair and rightful judgement and thus agree."

"But you're a penguin." Brick was relieved to say the word he'd been trying to avoid.

Reason looked himself up and down. "I suppose I am."

"A really big penguin! Size of a man big. Not just big for a flightless bird." Spiritwind watched on quietly, curious to see how much trouble Brick could talk them in to before he'd have to intervene.

"I may appear big to you with your previous experience of penguins but I can assure you I am the average height upon my home planet." Reason swigged the remnants of his drink and placed the empty cup on a nearby table. Spiritwind saw it was time to take over.

"Do you find the average height on your planet is oft misperceived and by a cruel quirk you find yourself labelled small in error?"

"Not at all. My fellow penguins are very reasonable creatures on the whole. They would never mock somebody because of their height. It may form the basis of an interesting discussion over what may cause such a difference, but it would never be used for cruel taunts." Spiritwind turned to Brick to see if he'd taken note of such an approach. The blank expression suggested not. His comment confirmed it.

"So you're definitely a massive penguin? This isn't down to one of those phials we drank?"

"You seem to be struggling with this." Reason approached the topic from another angle.

"It's just that penguins on our planet are funny little birds that can neither walk nor fly properly."

"They're good swimmers." Spiritwind stuck up for the curious birds.

"They are good swimmers, I agree, but people don't usually talk about penguins in terms of their swimming ability. They're often a great source of entertainment with their tuxedo wearing appearance and funny waddle. They're rarely thought of as the epitome of reasonableness." Brick felt his argument was watertight, and entirely inoffensive.

"Do the penguins ever complain about this constant derision?" Reason took no offence.

"Never heard one complain, although that doesn't mean they don't all meet on an iceberg for a good griping session every now and then."

"Well presuming they don't all meet on an iceberg...."

"That's a big presumption."

"Well have any penguins ever complained directly to a human?" Reason grew the potential for aggravation.

Brick looked to the ceiling, initially pondering the question but quickly turning to marvel at the pattern that ran through the wood above him. A cough from Spiritwind reminded him an answer was being waited for. "No. I'd say no."

"A very reasonable approach would one not say?" Reason tipped his pipe towards the pair before continuing quickly. "I suppose you're wondering why I have asked you here at such an hour."

"What time is it?" Brick turned to his peer. He wanted to establish the time before deciding if it enhanced the curiosity level of the situation.

"No idea. I'm hungry though, must be near a mealtime, most likely breakfast." Spiritwind joined the time based musings. Reason could see there was no point following the usual conversational etiquette and jumped back in.

"We have noted strange activity surrounding countless Earth franchise planets across the universe, including the one you hail from. The Council wishes to ask you to observe imagery from a pure Earth franchise that we know has not been tampered with. The images you will see are from roughly the time you left. We need you to search for clues. Something is different but our eyes cannot see what. If you would kindly follow me." Reason turned and waddled towards the balcony, much to the amusement of Brick and Spiritwind. "I hear you laughing and it's okay. We can't be held accountable for what our mind finds funny, and we certainly shouldn't be punished socially for expressing such findings."

"You really are a reasonable, but still massive, penguin." Brick couldn't fully get over what he was talking to.

The trio stepped on to the balcony, a balcony that could fit the entire house upon it if needed. The ocean shimmered beyond it, gleaming its way to the horizon. Reason led the pair to a chair each. The seats were comfortable without going far enough to induce sleep. As they sat, Reason lowered a screen, seemingly from thin air, and turned to the duo.

"You will now see a selection of clips from daily life on this planet. No matter how insignificant they may seem please try to remember any inconsistencies you find with your own home. They could be the key to unravelling what is going on. I shall leave you to watch." Reason backed away and allowed the pair to watch in silence, or as much silence as you could get with Brick around.

****************

A full hour passed before Reason returned. He found the pair debating the best position to adopt in order to gain the most comfort from their chairs. They had stopped paying attention to the screen. Reason sighed, believing they had given up.

"No luck then. Not to worry. We'll thi...."

"Comfy seating." Brick interrupted the seat debate to interrupt Reason's dismissive sentence. It took the giant penguin a moment to realise he was being spoken to.

"....nk of something that. Sorry. Were you speaking to me?"

"About the comfy seating thing?" Brick wanted to avoid any confusion.

"Yes."

"Then yes. Comfy seating is the answer." Brick was failing in his quest for clarity.

"Remind me of the question." Reason had lost the thread.

"You asked us to tell you any differences between that planet and our home. There's no comfy seating on the planet you just showed us. There are chairs with average cushions for some comfort but there's nowhere that will suck you in and force you to stay there for a week and a half eating anything that doesn't need cooking and can be dipped."

"And the television sets were rubbish. Although we believe that's because there was no call to improve them as people wouldn't sit down long enough to watch them; social consequence and all that." Spiritwind added to the point before adding to the sandwich in his mouth with a further piece of sandwich.

"You're sure about this?" Reason looked as excited as a penguin with a static beak could.

Brick turned back to Reason and answered for the pair. He and Spiritwind were desperate to get back to their bickering. "Obviously there were many other differences: gadgetry, living room layout etc, but me and my esteemed colleague feel all of these stem from the fact that comfy seating hasn't evolved to the same degree. Without a comfy chair to keep you in, none of the gadgets we use to prevent us having to leave them have occurred."

"This is marvellous. How exciting. I must apply it to our current thinking immediately. Thank you so much. You may return to your rooms." Reason veered back inside, a million extra thoughts running through his mind.

"Any time. Any other problems you need helping with, answer to life, that kind of thing?" Brick chased the penguin with words.

"It would be best if you went to get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a very busy day, very busy indeed." The tone suggested they should leave. It was one the pair had heard many times. They stood and wandered back towards the lift. A guard opened it as the duo waved goodbye to the back of Reason's head. He was staring at a few large pieces of paper on a table. The guard didn't step inside with the hero's. Only his arm entered the lift to push the relevant button. The doors closed to a thoughtful Spiritwind.

"Did that just happen or did the drink they gave us make us believe it happened?"

"I wouldn't worry about it until the morning. I've got a few phials here to have as nightcaps if you fancy it. They'll go well with your butty."

"It's not a butty, it's a baguette. And yes."

"I thought a baguette was just a posh butty?" Brick rummaged for the phials.

"You try telling the French that."

"Show me a Frenchman and I will." Once more their body's left their minds behind as the lift shot upwards. Out of politeness they awaited their return before continuing along a path they were yet to find a map for.

Contents
Chapter Sixteen

"Did I eat chicken last night? My mouth tastes very chickeny." Brick's taste buds raised a question, as he and Spiritwind stumbled down the corridor towards the reception hall that had greeted their arrival the day before. Seeing a sign offering a lift they stepped on to a platform. It sank in a spiral manner.

"It's entirely possible. Did you also dream Reason was a man sized penguin and needed our help?" Spiritwind added a further poser.

"Are you saying that wasn't a dream?" Brick struggled to fasten his cardigan, so gave up and left it flapping loose.

"I'm just saying what I'm thinking." Spiritwind peeled another boiled egg as the platform reached the floor of the hall.

"I'd rather you didn't think things that I thought had only occurred in the sanctity of my mind."

"I'd rather you didn't speak but what can you do." Spiritwind finished his egg and walked towards the meeting point they'd arranged with last night's drinking buddies.

The reception area was packed. Hundreds of languages and voices mingled in the air, all conveying anticipation without need for understanding. Most heroes headed to the far wall. Brick and Spiritwind's meeting point was a pillar several hundred metres in the opposite direction.

The human duo arrived to find the others already assembled. Bobby sat with his usual glow of pleasure. The Magwanvu was doubled over, grimacing as it tried to deal with a triple dose of hangover in a manner suggesting it couldn't cope. Jam looked content. He'd taken a liquid without colour or texture that induced the sensation of being curled up comfortably in bed while making reality feel like nothing more than a vivid dream.

"Morning." Brick spoke with a lift of his arm. He gauged the reaction to see if an apology was required. There wasn't even a hint of concern in reply, allowing Brick to relax and wallow in the vague memories of several great nights out.

"Howdo." Spiritwind's greeting received the same response.

"So when does this gathering thing start?" Brick no sooner posed the question than a fanfare erupted.

The far wall that had been the focus of almost everyone else in the room rumbled, causing gasps of expected wonder from the crowd that had gathered. A dark hole appeared at its centre, growing until it reached the floor. As it did the heroes began pouring through, disappearing from sight the instant they reached it.

"We should go over there, right?" Brick exercised his heroic intuition.

"I would wholeheartedly agree." Bobby prepared for the walk.

"It looks like such a long way." The Magwanvu was horrified at the prospect.

"Which is why I brought a snack for the journey." Spiritwind excitedly revealed a slice of wedding cake. The Magwanvu turned away. The thought of food threatened all three stomachs with spasms.

By the time the five warriors reached the hole the queue moved at a walking pace, unlike The Magwanvu who moved at the pace of an injured worm. Brick had spent the stroll talking to Jam, unaware the captain's mind was tucked up in bed. It allowed Brick to explain his argument for making all food taste like bacon. The constant speech had given Jam an anchor to reality. They all waited for The Magwanvu to catch up before passing through the void.

Brick looked up as he walked into the gaping chasm. He prided himself on his intrigue for things above eye level; however the darkness didn't last. Before he had chance to adjust he was faced with a ceiling more ornate than the Queen's favourite mantelpiece. It suited the rest of the room perfectly: a Victorian style theatre with all the modern technology needed for comfort. Brick looked to his right to find the rest of the crew sat in a row. He bypassed Spiritwind, who had been placed next to him, and spoke to Bobby. The grinning guru occupied the next chair along.

"Did I miss something because I don't mind admitting I have no recollection of finding this seat and sitting down?"

"You were transported here." Bobby spoke the answer with a whimsical smile.

"I don't remember being asked permission to be disassembled and sent across a room." Brick was grouchy due to transportation being so efficient rather than the fun process it had looked on telly.

"It's the way all venues work in these times. Ushers were found to be an incredibly confusing breed, especially when placed with patrons who were in a building for the very first time. No sooner had directions of varying degrees of confusion been given than the patron would instantly forget what they had been told and simply bumble their way around the building as though none the wiser. Once transportation technology became cheap enough it was decided easier to scan patrons and seat them atom by atom instead. Even the amateur theatre I attend does it this way. Wonderful performances for non-professionals."

"Right then." Brick turned to his left to see a stereotypical 1950's alien sat down. "Zarg. Good to see you." The alien looked as bemused as Brick had been moments before.

"You seem to be addressing me in a familiar fashion when I don't have the faintest idea who you are."

"It's me, Brick. You haven't forgotten me already? Are you not Zarg?"

"No. I'm Jonathan, hero of the Jefferian race and here to represent my kin." The attitude could have been Zarg's.

"Sorry, my mistake; you look exactly like someone I know."

"Yet intriguingly different." Spiritwind piped up with a joke finding its way in to a second adventure.

"Do you intend to harass me also?" Jonathan was growing less impressed.

"Depends."

"On what?"

"How much fun it promises to be."

The conversation ended with a dimming of the lights and a soft glow emerging from the stage. Two figures of obscene bulk could be made out at the back, faintly lit by the aura of the room. They were Hugo Cortizone and Irish Delirium, the two highest ranked heroes alive. Irish had stepped away from front line heroics focusing more on the administrative and ambassadorial side of good; however any being that once saved the universe maintains the aura that destiny is theirs to change, an aura that seeped out and captivated anyone that came within his presence. His eyes still assured those that gazed towards them that everything would be alright, and you could trust him on that.

The humanoid pillars of honesty stood motionless and in silence as a microphone rose from the front centre of the stage. It awaited the speaker that appeared from the left: An impossibly tall and slender body supported a head that could only be described as a romantically inspired love heart, white and ceramic in texture. Two large eyes blinked as it approached while a mouth so small its existence could be denied prepared to speak. It wasn't quick enough to avoid commentary from Brick.

"That must be Reason. I'm glad a man sized penguin didn't just turn up. I think we can confirm last night ended in a dream."

"That isn't Reason my amusing peer." Bobby offered further enlightenment. "That's The Voice of Reason. The great one believes his own voice couldn't do justice to the great messages he imparts so he employs somebody to speak for him."

"So Reason could be a penguin?"

"I don't see why not. Penguins are notoriously reasonable creatures." Jam couldn't help but overhear and puzzled over where he'd seen a penguin to incorporate it into his dream. The Magwanvu remained perfectly still, vomit the threatened punishment for movement.

Nobody else spoke as a noise of incomparable splendour filled every orifice in the room. Brick couldn't hear the actual words, his sense of being dwarfed by the sound's beauty. Each word melted into the listener's chest and toured their entire body thrice, stimulating each sense on the journey before leaving through every pore in their skin. The words weren't simply heard they were smelt, tasted, seen and felt; each offering the warmth only a mother can bring. Eventually Brick tuned in to the message.

"......it is clear from the numbers here today that the battle is already being fought, and that we are behind. Every seat in this theatre should have a hero within it, but sadly so many are empty. They have succumbed to the apathy that is attacking us. Too many could just not be bothered to turn up." The Voice of Reason waved its hand. The theatre walls and ceiling disappeared, replaced by a map of space that everyone sat inside. Jam definitely hadn't seen this coming but enjoyed it thoroughly. The Magwanvu, who had been building the confidence to move, had to close its eyes and dream of stable places. The Voice continued.

"Before you is a map of the entire universe as best we understand it. Let me show you." Another waft of the hand colour coded the billion or so dots of light that surrounded them. "The planets in red are those with the largest concentration of apathy, those in blue are being infected by those around them. Note its potency, how one single world can infect hundreds, thousands by its side if left unchecked for only a few millennia." Both The Voice's hands were raised causing the map to move in a manner suggesting the theatregoers were hurtling through space. The Magwanvu chose the most unfortunate of times to check if the projection had gone away. Red and blue planets dominated the landscape as Brick's eyes struggled to keep up with the pace. The Voice continued talking over the imagery.

"We know not how long this has been going on. We have only begun to notice anything amiss in recent draflans (weeks). Our hurried research has shown all the red planets to be Earth franchises. They have been set to produce apathy on a scale never before told. Fortunately for us we have two heroes within our ranks who hail from one of these infected Earths." Brick and Spiritwind's interest grew at the prospect of seeing two fellow Earthlings. "They were called to aid Reason only last night, a consultation in which they excelled. Arise, Brick Wall and Spiritwind Capernicus Jones. Receive the plaudits for your efforts."

The seats the two humans sat on rose from their place to around fifteen feet in the air. Everyone applauded. Brick waved for no reason other than it seemed the thing to do. "These two, grade one heroes managed to pinpoint the weapon that has been turned on the Earth: comfy seating. The residents have been given the key to a good rest before growing the appreciation to know when it is deserved. It has proved disastrous." The clapping increased. Brick waved faster in response. Spiritwind was bewildered, but vocal.

"All this for watching telly after a night out? There's definitely something too easy about this hero game."

"Maybe we just make it seem easy?"

The Voice continued once more. "Now that you know what, I will hand you over to your captain to find out how you shall defeat it." Brick and Spiritwind fell back in to place as The Voice of Reason floated off the way it had come. Irish Delirium stepped forward. The map of space disappeared and the theatre surroundings returned.

"Well done men. It'll be a pleasure to stand by your side." The point was aimed at Brick and Spiritwind. The normality of Irish's voice took a moment to adjust to. Jam jerked his seat in an effort to make it fly. "Fellow heroes, you have heard the quest before us. We must vanquish apathy from our universe. We must find who is doing this, where they are doing it from, and how. Then we must find a way to stop them. We will employ hero strategy 642: If you know where things are going wrong just turn up and all the clues will fall in to your lap." A loud applause suggested agreement.

"We have divided up all the franchise planets for exploration. Based on the experience of your crew and capability of your craft, we've assigned the specific planets your team should focus on. The information has been passed on to your ship's computers. You must be aware that Earth franchises are usually strictly off limits to visitors but we have been granted special dispensation for the purpose of our mission. In recognition of this you must be discrete at all times. Any beings that do not share the human form must wear human suits at all times. Cloaking devices and careful consideration over parking should be used. Follow the code men, and success will follow." Irish adopted the standard victory stance: both arms above head, feet shoulder width apart.

The stage went black. By the time the house lights came up the theatre was practically empty. Everyone had rushed to their ships. The only people left seated were the crew of The Little Tub of Fun.

"I need one of those voices. Imagine the combination of those tones and my hair. I'd be irresistible." Brick focused on the important points.

"Did you know he was talking in every language at once?" Spiritwind spoke from behind the complimentary brochure he'd found tucked in the seat in front.

"That's a ridiculous thing to say." Brick had nothing but derision.

"Ridiculous but true. It says here: The theatre is divided in to language sections thus its imperative you remain in the seat you're given. The Voice of Reason speaks in every tongue and will direct them accordingly. All other speakers will be translated by some very clever technology woven into the chair."

"What else does it say?"

"This year's panto's sold out."

"Have we stopped hurtling through space?" The Magwanvu prayed to anything that wanted to be its saviour.

"We have, but we're about to start hurtling through our own space on our way to destiny." Brick realised the sentence had sounded better in his head.

"You feel free to hurtle. I shall be strolling posthumously." Spiritwind countered Brick's hurtle.

"Do you even know what posthumous means?"

"It doesn't matter because I know you don't." Spiritwind locked the conversation with logic.

"Fair point."

Bobby coaxed The Magwanvu in to following the crew to their vehicle, ahead of Jam who ambled at the back, wondering if he'd remembered to fill the drinks cabinet to party level. He was equally unsure if his insurance covered him to drive in the dream world. The legal world was such a complicated place. It was one of the reasons he hadn't gone in to law, that and he didn't suit wigs.

Contents
Chapter Seventeen

"I'm sure it's this one." Jam led the party to the third different tier of the car park. His attempts to locate his craft were so far proving futile.

"You were sure about the last one." Brick spoke without malice or annoyance. He was happy to explore Velos 19's parking facilities.

"And if I'm wrong this time I'll be equally sure of the next one. It has to be the right one at some point." Jam's logic was undeniable, if a little time consuming.

The merry band turned the corner to find a pile of metal creakily managing not to fall over. "There you go. I knew it had to be somewhere." Jam beamed proudly as the others stopped and stared at their transport.

The Little Tub of Fun sat precariously on the ground, a five storey tower of metal at disjointed angles, loosely coming together to form a spaceship of dubious description. The bodywork suggested every shade of blue imaginable, all valiantly attempting to merge into one yet none succeeding.

"Does it fly?" Brick said what the rest were thinking as they approached the object.

"The heart of a ship isn't worn on a coat of paint my new friends. Paint flakes away at the first signs of age but solid engineering grit remains true and clear for the full span of life, not caring for aesthetics. Its only concern is practicality. Plus what do I care how it looks? I'm usually sat inside the thing and from in there she looks marvellous."

Reaching the craft the group could see spots of rust that had begun to take hold. Spiritwind gave the debacle a tap. The hollow echo was accompanied by an alarm system: Numerous hazard lights flashed, no sound joined the display.

"Now you've done it." Jam reached into a hole in one of the large panels, pulling out a piece of rope and giving it a firm yank. The sound of simple mechanics could be heard falling in to place. A door fell open around ten feet above them, releasing a ladder that slid to the floor. Jam scurried up it. After a few moments the lights stopped. Jam returned to the doorway.

"Sorry about that. The alarm's very sensitive."

"It's also very quiet, for an alarm that is." Brick commented as he awaited his turn for entry. Bobby went first followed by the still struggling Magwanvu. The ladder didn't help. They weren't designed with synchronised triplicate beings in mind, particularly hung-over ones. Spiritwind ate a bag of something fruit flavoured and rubber textured while he waited for his turn.

"It used to be very loud but I got tired of setting it off every time I got in, disconnected the horn in the end." Jam ushered everyone inside while he answered.

"Why not disconnect the lights? Must cost you a fortune in replacement bulbs?" Spiritwind was the last to enter, commenting and offering a sweet as he did.

"It does. Kids love nothing more than the temporary disco they get from a quick kick, but the insurance is cheaper with it. Anyway welcome to The Little Tub of Fun." Jam bowed as the new crew assessed their surroundings. The Magwanvu mainly checked the carpet, fear of moving its heads too quickly kept its spectrum of focus minimal.

The group were in, what appeared to be, a welcoming area. It felt more like a Victorian hallway than a craft, only with a sense of homeliness rather than austere discipline. An ornate mirror hung on the wall, posed and professional looking family pictures of Shandy's gone by littered the other surfaces. All were balls of hair with a nose protruding, even what appeared to be females and babies. A metal, spiral staircase rose from the corner leading to four further floors above. Jam ushered everybody towards it.

"If you'd like to make your way to the first floor, the main socialising quarters reside there." Jam could feel the dream elixir wearing off. Reality began asking questions he couldn't answer, such as 'Who are these people you've let on board?' He planned to remedy the situation with a quick visit to the nearest drinks cabinet he could find.

As each crew member alighted the stairs they strolled in to a room that required much study. Carpeted and wallpapered it felt homely and lived in, scruffy yet all the more pleasant for the feel of memories that lived there. Shelves and ornate tables housed trinkets of every variety, rugs splitting the room in to sections rather than walls. A large domed seating area sank into the floor to the right, a larger, brightly coloured dining table sat at the far wall they faced. The chairs offered comfort while the wall length window offered somewhere to stare should conversation stall. The walls that did exist were adorned with pictures of landscapes and architecture from across the universe, and large hangings of cloth offering soothing patterns and tertiary colours. Various cushions were spread around the room for seating purposes. A hammock hid itself away in the far corner. The lighting trickled from several sources, scattered lamps of differing sizes giving a feeling of serenity and calm. Everybody felt at ease, all doubts about the craft washed away.

"I need you all to put these on and believe as hard as possible that the ship will take off." Jam destroyed the faith instilled by the décor with one simple sentence. He'd given each crew member a flat cap. The Magwanvu had no energy to argue and delicately lowered it on to its heads. Everybody did as asked. Only Brick raised a point to go with his compliance.

"What happened to engineering grit?"

"It's fine. Just need some fuel. Old Tubby runs on belief and the tanks a little low. Thought while you were all here I may as well top up."

Several minutes of room exploration passed, except from The Magwanvu who headed straight to the sofa. The new crew were only interrupted by a loud, northern voice. "That were luv'ly. Ta muchly."

"Any time Tubs." Jam collected in the hats.

"Was that the ship by any chance?" Spiritwind returned his head piece with a query.

"I see you're the intelligent one. I'll go and get her going then." Jam didn't wait for a reply and wandered to a carpeted bump in the corner of the room. Disappearing over the brow a number of clunks and swivels could be heard followed by a grinding noise and a gentle hum. Fun Tub needed time for the engine to reach take off temperature.

Spiritwind settled at the table, constructing a sandwich from numerous components he'd retrieved from around his body. Bobby sat by him, gazing out of the window, intermittently discussing how much he enjoyed his home planet. Spiritwind found his pleasantries a perfect accompaniment to snack building. Brick had found a random object and turned it over and over in his hands whilst The Magwanvu fell in to a much needed doze.

After around ten minutes an upward sensation signalled lift off. The creaks suggested it may have been better to stay on the ground.

With Velos 19 a diminishing speck out of the window Jam reappeared from behind the mound with a piece of paper and a stumble. The captain's intoxicants were readily available in the cockpit.

"I've programmed me Little Fun Tub with the co-ordinates. Now all we have to do is await arrival."

"Where are we heading?" Spiritwind enquired whilst looking for a suitable gap to redistribute the filling that had slipped from his latest dietary offering. The bald hero had made several sandwiches in order to keep the snacks flowing.

"We've been given three franchise planets to explore: one in the late twenty third century, one in the early twenty first century, and one in the time before time." The paper Jam had been reading from started to change colour. He revelled in the confusion it caused him.

"We're from the early twenty first century." Spiritwind spoke while mildly celebrating finding a place for an odd shaped nugget of bacon.

"What's this?" Brick had been fully engrossed with the random object he'd found and hadn't listened to anything Jam had said. The object was about a foot in length, six inches wide, and had all manner of levers and moveable parts.

"It's a distractionary item." Jam was happy to have something else to stare at. Unfortunately it started changing colour too. It was either a coincidence or his eyes were broken again.

"That's not an explanation." Brick required facts.

"I never said it was. It's what it is though." Jam needed a world with less colour.

"Fair point. Could I have an explanation?"

"If you can find somebody that knows the answer and is willing to share it." Jam was proving to be an expert in procrastination.

"Does anybody know the answer? And if so are they willing to share it?" Both Brick and Jam checked the room for any raised hands. Returning to themselves they found Jam's hand in the air.

"It would appear I know what it is and would be more than willing to tell you."

"You do know you just made that whole process unnecessarily difficult?"

"Did I? Sorry about that." Jam began wandering off.

"You are going to tell me though, about the object?" Brick had put too much effort in to not end with an answer.

"The object. Did I not tell you? Sorry about that. Is your face always blue by the way? It distracts you from whatever you need distracting from. Got a problem? Bored? Just pick it up, give it a poke, and you'll soon forget what you were so concerned about." Brick continued fiddling with the levers as Jam embellished his tale. "They were very popular for a while until whole economies began collapsing. People stopped turning up for work. Got so distracted by the thing they forgot to go in. Social events became impossible to organise. Nobody would turn up, or be so late all the hors d'oeuvres had dried up. Timekeeping became impossible and societies threatened to fall apart. They were banned in the end. Even that took a few centuries. Every time a judge asked to see one in order to assess it they were distracted from getting on with banning it. You don't see many of them around anymore." Jam could feel himself being drawn under its spell.

"Considering your attention span is it not a little dangerous to have around?" Brick couldn't stop turning one mechanism after another.

"Definitely. I often get stuck circling a planet for weeks on end. I was once adopted as a moon, but every time I go to throw the thing out it distracts me." Jam poked a lever to help Brick out.

The pair stopped speaking, focusing all their thoughts on to the item. Spiritwind stood with a butty in hand, the others within easy reach. He stared, offering the occasional suggestion of what to pull next. Bobby focused entirely out of the window and in to space. The Magwanvu remained comatose. The ship travelled on silently for an hour before the friendly, northern voice of the computer stepped in.

"JAM. JAM. You're staring at that thing again me duck. Snap 'owt of it. JAM." The Magwanvu awoke with a triple start. Mopping up the inevitable dribble, they felt refreshed. They'd forgotten how it felt to not be hung-over. Standing up they strolled over to the table to find Brick, Jam, and Spiritwind staring in silence at the object.

"Are they under a spell? I was going to say that. Well you still can. It would hardly be valid for me to say it now. It'll just sound like I'm copying. So why bother saying anything about it at all? Because I thought you two should know that I was about to say it. Well maybe we don't care." The Magwanvu instantly became embroiled in an argument with itself. The frustration of not being able to communicate to the world as individuals spilled out far too often, but therapy on their planet for such a thing was non-existent, as the therapists were also triplicate beings and suffered from the same issues.

"Are you arguing with yourself?" Bobby turned calmly from the window.

"No. We're arguing with him." All three pointed to their right. It helped clarity none. "Why are you arguing with me? I haven't said anything. I wasn't pointing at you I was pointing at him. Well I was arguing with him. So who was I arguing with?" Bobby could only chuckle before attempting to create peace.

"Does it matter? Bearing in mind half the crew is in stasis." Bobby stood up and walked towards the static trio.

"That's where it all started. I said are they under a spell? Which is what I was going to say. What I would have said if you didn't always interrupt me...."

"They're not under a spell. They're just a little distracted by that thing in their hands. I was enjoying the peace and quiet but that seems to have passed now. We may as well bring them round." Bobby snapped his fingers between the item and the eye line of the observers.

"Bacon wrapped in roast chicken skin." Spiritwind snapped out of his trance.

"I'm not sure I'm easily distracted enough for this thing to work on me." Brick spoke with the obliviousness of a victim of hypnosis about to dance like a piranha.

"Who's up for a frothy fumbler?" Jam had worked out how to stop his sense of paranoia over who everyone was: get them drunk too. He headed to his main living quarter's bar before anybody responded. "It'll be a while before we make it to the first planet, may as well have a cheeky drink for morale."

"What does a frothy fumbler do?" Brick wasn't going to turn it down whatever the response. He found the awareness of his weak willpower compensated for its fickleness.

"They make the bigger picture of life and existence, appear incredibly simple, but make the simple tasks such as remembering where your hair is incredibly hard."

"Do they come in doubles?"

"It's the standard measure." Fun Tub began living up to its name as everyone crowded round the bar. The Magwanvu had already forgotten the pain it had just defeated, plus it needed a drink to cope with itself. Bobby saw the whole adventure as a holiday and was happy to go along with anything, and Jam was simply Jam. Revelling in his position as host the hairy drunkard handed out the drinks. Brick and Spiritwind were growing accustomed to the hero lifestyle. It was turning out to be their dream job.

Contents
Chapter Eighteen

"Spanish Counterpart I will not tolerate this behaviour. You are the computer on this ship, the ship I own and have paid for in full. You are technically mine and should do as I command, and I command you to show me the planets we have been assigned to explore."

Dandara Foxley was a fellow member of The Hero's Guild and was attempting to begin the mission she too had just been handed. Having taken off she and her heroic partner, Bettina Slade, now struggled to discover the destinations of the Earth planets they had been assigned to explore. The ship's computer had decided to throw one its many strops.

Tiring of the continuous struggle with her heroic hardware, Dandara attempted to mask her annoyance with an authoritative tone. She failed miserably to gain any co-operation as the ship huffed in response to the blatantly unfair treatment it was receiving.

Spanish Counterpart came fitted with a multitude of options on every aspect of the craft. On receiving their vehicle the pair spent three weeks testing everything from the angle of the seats to the required thickness of the carpet, until finally reaching the personality settings for the on-board computer. Moving on to the obnoxious teenage setting they had tried to pass it by, quickly; however it refused and they'd been stuck with it ever since.

"You could at least answer me." Dandara could hide her annoyance no more. The only response from the hull was a noise suggesting derision and a lack of understanding on her part.

"Is he still not responding?" Bettina wandered into the main area of the craft.

"No, even though he can CLEARLY HEAR ME."

"I've told you to leave him to it. He'll get bored eventually." Bettina picked up a magazine from the table. It changed to the current edition of 'Feminine Hero'. She was particularly interested in the article on 'looking good in tights all year round: Would a simple shift of mindset do the job better than a diet?'

"I can't leave him sat there laughing at us. He's my computer and should do as I say."

The computer finally replied with words. "That's all I am to you isn't it, a machine to do things so you don't have to?"

"Yes." Dandara had no affection for what she saw as a tool. "I turned you on to do, exactly that. The only reason you exist is to make my life easier and I won't apologise for it no matter how much clever personality technology you're programmed with." The rant released a lot of built up tension.

A mumble took the guise of a response, culminating in some form of obscenity before a series of stomps pre-empted the sound of a door slamming. Bettina flicked through her magazine with an expression of being proved right. The computer had stormed off to its room to sulk.

"Say what you like. I feel better." Dandara headed to the couch that sat opposite her partner.

"I'm saying nothing. As long as you're aware he could be in there a while."

"Who even slams a virtual door?" Dandara rested her foot on the coffee table between them. Residual annoyance tapped out a tune. Bettina lightened the mood with a discussion on the article she was flicking through.

"It says here that rather than wish to be thinner we should simply stop seeing ourselves as overweight."

"What if you are overweight though?" Dandara still had tension to release.

"Well that's the problem, thinking you're overweight when you're actually not."

"But some people are genuinely overweight." The foot tapping lessened as her rage found a new focus.

"Those people should just eat less and exercise more, but this is talking about those who think they're overweight but aren't. They just 'see' themselves that way."

"So how do you know if you're actually overweight or just think you are?"

"I don't know. By looking in the mirror I guess." Bettina was finding the conversation harder work than she'd intended.

"But when I look in the mirror I see an overweight hero." Dandara wasn't moving on.

"But you're clearly not overweight."

"Through my eyes I am."

"Forget it. I thought it made perfect sense when I read it." Bettina had already flicked to another article about the ethics of dating someone from a different dimension.

"You would think it made sense. You're not overweight." Dandara wasn't finished.

"We're the same size. How can you see me as fine and yourself as overweight?"

"If I knew that I would never have questioned the article." A silence followed. Both women knew they'd entered a stalemate. To continue would only see them back where they started in ten minutes. Both women were indeed the same five feet eight inches of athletic promise. Their all in one outfits showed the world as much as it needed to know, and not a globule more. Both were pretty, but in a manner subtle enough to be missed by those who only saw glamour and beauty through superficial eyes.

Bettina made another effort to change the subject. "So what are we going to do about exploring Earth's if we don't know where we're meant to head?"

"I have no idea." Dandara picked up a few magazines then threw them back down after giving them no more than a glance.

"Couldn't we just go to the nearest franchise planet to us? Surely we can over-ride the computer for something so simple?" Bettina wasn't technically gifted but she knew enough vague terminology to get by.

"Of course we can. Bettina, that's brilliant." Dandara stood and returned to the control panel at the front of the ship.

"Of course it's brilliant. Simplicity is always brilliant. It's seeing it that's hard."

Dandara called up a map of the surrounding area, pinpointing the nearest Earth to their position. An effortful red glow symbolised its location, its rhythmic pulsing falling in to synch with her heart. She sensed something big would occur on this humble rock, something life changing, although she often experienced intense feelings of psychic premonition without being correct. For now she allowed the weakening, red glimmer to reflect through her eyes and in to her being, mesmerised by its inevitable pull on her life, trapped within a daydream of never occurring reality.

"Who's been looking at my maps? I don't go snooping around your things. Can I get no privacy?" Spanish Counterpart stropped out of his room in a well practised hissy fit.

"They're not your maps they're mine. I bought them along with you and your entire database. Although why I bothered I'll never know. You've only brought this on yourself. If you hadn't acted like such a child I wouldn't have to go in to anything. And don't be trying to undo what I've done. I've programmed it directly into the navigation system and we all know why the navigation system won't speak to you anymore."

"You've never loved me."

"Of course I've never loved you. You're a machine. I don't share any of my deepest emotions with a practical serving device." Dandara remained physically calm. Smugness overcame any need to smash the room up.

"Why do you hate me so much?" The computer turned and stomped back down its virtual corridor, opened its virtual door, and virtually slammed it again.

"Can you believe the dramatics?" Dandara turned back to Bettina. She'd stayed on the couch reading.

"It's a hard time, puberty. Hormones all over the place, growth spurts for no reason. Your body's not your own."

"It's not going through puberty. It's programmed to act as though it is. It doesn't have any hormones."

"Good point. Well although I understand the dramatics I can't justify them." It was as close to an agreement on the matter as they were going to get.

"I'm glad you concur."

Dandara headed back to the seats and array of magazines. The two ladies had nothing to do but await their arrival at the first Earth franchise on their self styled list. A brief investigation would have revealed who the planet had actually been assigned to, but Dandara trusted destiny to do its job well. Upon meeting the crew of The Little Tub of Fun she may be forced to re-assess such blind faith.

Contents
Chapter Nineteen

Dollop sat in the canteen, staring at a television screen that pretended to be a window. A scene of green fields flickered across it, stretching out to a horizon that only existed in the mind of a graphic designer. The canteen was nothing more than a school sports hall filled with rows of tables and kitchen facilities at one end. Twelve Thirty was in the far corner twitching and murmuring to himself. The only other people in the room were a four foot high dinner lady who stood motionless, serving ladle in hand, behind the counter, and Sandbag who had just been served by the borderline dwarf. The dish of the day was Ak-Lak-Milak: a traditional henchman dish consisting of an entire cow battered and deep fried on the end of a stick.

"How's the Ak-Lak-Milak?" Sandbag sat down with a thud. His size gave him little choice.

"I haven't started it yet. I was thinking."

"I don't know what you find to think about, especially with food in front of you." Sandbag removed the head in one bite.

"I don't choose to do it. It just happens."

"I hope that doesn't start happening to me. I wouldn't want anything getting in the way of eating." Sandbag broke off a leg and used it as an oversized toothpick, before devouring that too, hoof and all. Dollop had been gazing towards the window/screen. The field disappeared as an image of Sid took its place. The megalomaniac's voice joined the ambience.

"Dollop, Sandbag. Come back to the control room immediately. You have three glixons (two minutes) before I activate your wristbands." Sid leant in to the screen with added menace. "Don't fail me."

Both henchmen stood and made for the door. Dollop took two excessive bites of his snack on the run, he sensed what was about to happen.

Reaching the door handle a beeping noise came from their wrists followed by the illumination of a small red light. The pair had enough time to share a glance of realisation before being yanked through the partition.

The journey was brief but painful and ended with the two henchmen skidding along the floor of the room containing the contraption of screens. They formed a mangled pile of bruised bodies and crumpled Ak-Lak-Milak before struggling to their feet, batter raining down with each inch they rose.

"Gooooooooood." Sid walked around them, arms behind his back, before skipping to his chair. "I've struck upon a wondrous plan." Sid raised himself to their eye level. "I knew it would only be a matter of time before The Hero's Guild realised something was amiss, and it seems another of my insightful predictions has come to pass. Hahahahahaha." The spin helped realign his helmet. It had moved out of kilter when throwing his head back too eagerly. "They have deployed those forces with any motivation left, to seek out clues upon my Earths. See how these self proclaimed moral warriors cast aside the laws of the universe when it suits them." Sid swung in closely to Sandbag to make his point. "Nobody is allowed to visit an Earth franchise planet. Not without being labelled naughty by the Universal Council."

Dollop's eye was drawn to one of the screens. Sid had focused his cameras on the best potential landing spot for each planet. For all Sid's dramatics he knew how the game worked. Dollop watched the chosen television as a bushel wavered in a previously absent wind. Within moments a cautious head and body appeared in mid air, strutting down the unseen ramp in a manner that stunk of hero.

Sid left Sandbag alone and continued touring his screens. "As you would expect, Hugo Cortizone is the biggest sinner of them all. He has already searched four of my babies and shows no sign of relenting. The fool wouldn't know if he'd found the answer already or not. Too busy proclaiming, not enough listening." Sid began hurtling from the height he'd achieved. "It is time his meddling came to an end." Sid stopped abruptly, almost slipping from his seat. Luckily for him he had no face to betray the panic he felt.

"Are we going to...." Dollop could barely say the words. "...kill him?"

"Not quite." Sid kept both his chair and voice slow and controlled. "To tackle him in combat would inevitably end in disaster. A strap would snag here, a buckle come loose there. Our own over confidence at finally having his demise within our grasp would see us blind to his one last trick that would reverse the tables and see our doom unfold instead. We will not be caught out this time."

Dollop's upset at not killing Hugo was buoyed by the curiosity Sid induced. The little metallic man continued, confidence in his ability to control his chair returning.

"I have been working on a compound for some time now with our friend Mr Cortizone in mind. I see not, why we shouldn't introduce him to it now. Hahahahahaha. My ingenious powder, when inhaled in the correct quantity, leaves the victim in a trance that lets them believe universal peace has been declared. They no longer see or feel the underlying threat of danger. They trust instinctively, see no evil intent in action, and with no threat to combat, Hugo's hero powers will become impotent. He will be nothing. Hahahahahaha"

Dollop thought on this for a moment. He grew ever more impressed by Sid's approach to dastardly undertakings. Sid ceased laughing and continued.

"However, for the compound to remain effective we must not show any hostility towards him or threaten him. Anger in a large enough dose can break the spell. I know you want revenge Dollop, we all do, but any attempt at retribution before I say so will result in my own vendetta being waged on your good self for eternity. And we both know you don't want that. Do you?" The well aimed stare resurfaced.

"No sir not at all." Dollop failed to recognise his cowering self.

"How will we get close enough to.....to.....zap him?" Sandbag couldn't think of the verb to enforce inhalation on somebody.

"I'm so glad you ask. This is where my plan blossoms. It involves you two and a very pretty damsel disguise I designed myself." A cheeky spin accentuated Sid's joy. "Being so clever I've managed to track Hugo's path and can predict exactly where he will be when I need him to be there, for we shall intercept him. Dollop, you shall wear the damsel suit. It works on the same basis as the peasant suits you wore earlier. Sandbag, you will play the monster attacking the poor damsel. The roles must be this way for fear of Hugo recognising Dollop's nostril stealing efforts in earlier battles."

Dollop tapped the pocket he kept the trophy sealed within.

"Sandbag, this will require you take a good thwacking from Hugo. It was all in the contract you signed so no arguments. When Hugo appears you must allow him to rescue Dollop, I mean the fallen damsel. Dollop, the compound is hidden beneath the coned hat you shall be disguised within. Choose your time carefully, but when the chance arises remove it and spray it directly into his face. Hahahahahaha."

Neither henchman liked the sound of the role they'd been given. Sandbag knew that Hugo could punch really hard, and Dollop had spent his entire professional life capturing and harassing maidens. To suddenly be one was a curious mixture of therapy and punishment.

"A pod has been prepared with the co-ordinates of where he will be. The damsel suit is also there. It awaits you in the hangar. WELL GO ON THEN."

The pair walked off without question, neither sure exactly what they were supposed to do. They'd both heard the words but the turmoil they caused saw them struggle to translate them in to sense. Each hoped the other had heard enough to capture Hugo Cortizone: second greatest hero alive and enemy of all that is bad. As they reached the door Sid called to them. They turned.

"Any failure will be paid for with pain." It was pressure they could do without.

Contents
Chapter Twenty

"JUST OPEN THE DOOR". Dandara returned to shouting as a method of communicating with the pubescent ship.

"Why can't I come?" Spanish Counterpart replied. The dull echoic quality of his voice suggested he was locked in a room.

"Because you are a ship. We're supposed to be blending in to the surroundings and we can't do that if we're being followed by a chunk of metal the size of most buildings."

"If you hate me you can just say it. I know it's the truth anyway."

"I hold no emotion for you whatsoever, good or bad. You are a functional object that gets me places quickly. Now please do one of your most basic tasks and open the door."

"You never give me any credit. It's a very complicated lock on that door you know. It's hard work protecting you from the ravages of space."

"If I say well done on the door will you just open it?" Dandara's patience had surpassed thin and moved on to threadbare.

"You don't know what that means to me. To finally be appreciated." The voice emerged from behind its self imposed room. "Today is a wonderful day." The craft's door opened with a hiss and a clunk. The two ladies strolled down the ramp, the ship calling after them.

"I'll be here waiting for you when you get back."

"I don't know why you even bother getting in to arguments with it. You know it just wants t bicker. You give it exactly what it wants." Bettina offered her non constructive advice.

"I'd rather focus on the mission if it's all the same to you."

Bettina and Dandara stepped out on to an Earth in the twenty third century. They had landed upon Noel Hill. Walking down it they were quickly enveloped by row after row of high rise buildings, laser blue and sleek in nature. The windows merged in to the rest of the buildings making them appear to stand as single blocks of material. Puddleton had finally become the city it had meandered towards.

The roads were devoid of people or vehicles. The sense of life was weak, but not entirely absent.

"Humans haven't died out have they?" Dandara posed a perfectly reasonable question. The future for humanity had always faced a bleak prediction.

"No. They've got a few millennia yet." Bettina gazed up at the buildings. She liked tall things.

"So where is everyone?"

"They don't come outside anymore." A voice neither woman recognised forced them to turn and discover a thin screen on a pole. It had appeared from the ground. Its' twitchy back and forth movements suggested it had full mobility. "I say they. I actually mean most of they. There's a few wandering around but they don't see any use in us information posts anymore." A sigh escaped its microphone followed by a hunching of its stanchion. Dandara was not in the mood for another machine trying to sway her emotions.

"What do you mean they don't come out anymore? Why?" She ignored the cry for sympathy hoping it understood none would be forthcoming.

"I don't know. I only have to live with the results. Used to be I never got a moment's piece. Where's this, where's that, where can I get stamps, whe..."

"So what changed?" Dandara maintained her patience for one more question.

"Like I said, they just stopped. Less people around, less places open to be directed to. Everyone just stayed in. There's a few people wander around to check everything works okay. They sometimes ask me questions just to keep me happy. I know they don't really need to know where to go but an information post's got to take what it can in these lean times." The angle of the screen suggested it would like a question, even out of sympathy. Dandara refused to give in and folded her arms. She stared upwards in thought instead. Bettina didn't mind appeasing the machine and moved on to a more personal level of chat.

"So what do you all do all day? I'm guessing you're not the only post."

The screen perked up. "Well I always live in the fruitless hope that people will once more flood out on to the streets, but alas I spend each morn disappointed. I sometimes give guided tours of Puddleton to the leaves that blow by. The old fountain's been in the square for nearly four hundred years don't you know, but mainly I sit in the overgrown parks reading through the pamphlets in my database. Some days I help in the refuge centres for posts that have sought solace downloading corrupt files. I tell them it'll lead to a crash, but they tell me I don't understand. They hate the logical path data takes. They like to 'mess' with it. None of it satisfies my need to inform though. How can anything function without fulfilling its purpose?"

Bettina looked towards Dandara to see if she wanted to say anything. "I'll only get annoyed if I speak right now." Dandara declared her position.

"Would you do me a favour?" The post turned to Bettina. He sensed a co-operative soul. It was either that or ambivalence. He could never distinguish between the two.

"Ask me the favour then I'll tell you if I'll do it." She wasn't falling for that trick twice in a lifetime.

"Would you ask me a question about the surrounding area?"

"Well I was wondering about two things."

"Oooh Oooh, ask me, ask me." The post hopped giddily.

"I was wondering where the people that do still wander around spend their time? And where can we get a stiff drink?"

The screen's display changed to a satellite image of the surrounding area. Zooming in Dandara and Bettina could be seen talking to a post. "I believe you are looking for The Pub. It is here." A building glowed red, a dotted line showed the route from themselves to it. It was only around the corner.

"Thank you very much. You've been extremely helpful." Bettina motioned to pat the screen before realising it may be seen as patronising. She left it at verbal gratitude.

"No, thank you. It's been such a long time since I've felt genuinely helpful. It's marvellous." The post span with joy. "Wait until I tell post 923. He'll be so jealous. La la la la la la....." The post slid away, singing merrily. Dandara stared at Bettina's smug smile. Bettina responded with a tongue firmly in her cheek.

"What? Just because I have a way with machines."

"You pander to them and their fake personalities. You don't know the first thing about them. You're a technophobe. You still think a toaster's clever."

"I'm not a technophobe I'm just a traditionalist. And turning bread into toast without fire is a skill worthy of applause."

"My point proved exactly."

"Well I struggle to see how....." The duo made their way to the pub. Fortunately it was only a brief stroll.

*****************

The pub was a relief to the still bickering pair. Back on their home planet gimmick bars had replaced all their decent haunts. There was nowhere left to have a quiet drink and a chat. Underwater bars were the current trend. Completely impractical for either chatting or drinking, but when had high fashion ever bothered itself with practicality. This pub was everything one should be. It bordered on being a living room with a fully stocked bar in the corner. The ambience followed the decor.

The duo approached the barman. He knew instantly they were new to the premises. Passing trade had somewhat ceased.

"Well, well, well. We don't see new faces round here very often. Flown in on a spaceship have we?" The humorous truth jarred the twosome. Dandara had nothing but deadpan to respond with.

"You might call it a spaceship. I call it the bane of my life. Teenagers!"

"The younger folk driven you out of the inner world have they? Can't say I blame you." The barman picked up a glass and started cleaning it. He had no idea why but it was part of the job description. These days all glasses were coated in a dirt and germ resistant film making washing futile.

"Yeah, why not." Bettina accepted the barman's explanation for their situation.

"Then welcome to the real world. First dinks are on the house."

"Two pints of anything good with chasers." Bettina made the free round worthwhile. The barman prepared the drinks whilst offering his own worldly wisdom. Why as a barman that spent most of his life in one building he thought his take on existence was so insightful was beyond the realms of human answers, but his voice was pleasant and made a nice background murmur. Plus listening intently meant the drinks may keep coming.

"If you ask me it's only a matter of time before everyone realises that fake reality is no substitute for real reality. I mean don't get me wrong, each to their own, and I'm not naïve enough to think this is definitely real reality, but at least I haven't knowingly chosen to live out my life in a virtual world." Bettina and Dandara's ears focused in on his words as they continued. It appeared they were useful.

"I know it's more convenient to live like that but I pity them in my own way, locked indoors all day. It's not the way to live." He placed the pints down, poured the shots, and slid them across to the pair while glancing towards the ceiling in thought. "I suppose it was always our destiny as a race, to invent ourselves in to our chairs. From the moment man invented the wheel he's been looking at ways to take the effort out of life. What could do that more than being sat down for an entirety, plugged in to the world through wires rather than senses?" He paused before his big line. He'd read it on a packet of 'Philosophy' peanuts once, a gimmick brand name that offered wisdom with its tasty snack. "Technology may have brought the world closer together, binding friendships across nations, but in doing so it has pushed those closest far, far further away. Are those drinks okay?"

Dandara downed the shot in response. The fiery glow in her eye suggested yes, the gasp confirmed it. "F...fine. Really nice."

"Do you get many people in here then if everyone's inside?" Bettina avoided the shot for the moment and started with a swig of beer. It too was potent.

"I get by. I'm not the only one that's rejected the new way of living. Plus the maintenance guys that keep everything ticking over. They always need a bit of grub, bit of a drink at the weekends. No. I like the little community we've formed out here, wouldn't change it for anything." The ponderous silence that followed gave both ladies time to get over their drinks. It also allowed a large crashing sound to fall through the doors. The trio at the bar turned to find Brick, Spiritwind, Jam and the information post from earlier, all falling over each other. The Magwanvu didn't wish to spend the day explaining its triplicate behaviour via a loose cover story and decided to stay on the ship. Bobby Dazzler felt it may need some company for the times when it stops talking to itself. And he'd just got into a new book. He was eager to discover the truth behind the protagonist's symbolic kiss curl.

Back in the pub, Brick stood first.

"I told you this was a pub. I could just tell."

"The information post told you it was a pub." Spiritwind struggled to his feet and stumbled towards the bar.

"I was just happy to tell again. What a day, two inquisitive parties in one morning." The post raised itself, its screen beaming in pleasure, and tried to wink, a wink of recognition towards Bettina and Dandara. It failed miserably and gave the impression of a brief power cut instead.

"Yes but I knew to trust what it said." Brick continued searching for praise as he joined Spiritwind at the bar. Jam remained on the floor. The way his head spun he thought it was only a matter of time before he was back there. You can't fall when you've fell.

"What a day for surprises, more new faces. Perhaps there is a new beginning. Welcome one and all." The barman cleaned another glass out of sheer exuberance. "Drinks are on me. Hope for a new future is payment enough." With the magic words of free booze uttered, Jam's head appeared at the back of the growing ensemble at the bar.

"I always knew that post apocalyptic view of the future was too pessimistic." Brick spoke with the authority of a drunken man trying to explain something he knew nothing about. He tried to whisper to Spiritwind but was still under the effects of the Frothy Fumblers from the journey. The effects wear off gradually, taking you back through all the stages of drunkenness on the way. "You get the drinks in. I spot two ladies in desperate need of my attention." The whispering failed both in volume and practicality. Bettina and Dandara were sat two feet away, around the bend of the bar. They could hear everything.

Brick stumbled around the bar's curve and stood between them. He was currently at the hyper-chatty phase of the drunken experience with the added boost in confidence. "Hello ladies. You look lonely. May I offer you a small slice of company pie? We can discuss what to do with the rest of it over a few drinks." He paused to think about what he just said. The time allowed his drunkenness to fall a notch, towards acute self awareness. "I'm sorry. It appears drink has made me so arrogant I believe its okay to walk up to two creatures of sculptured perfection and interrupt their conversation. It would appear I can't even apologise for my actions without continuing to flirt outrageously. You are indeed sculptured creatures of beauty, but for me to say that. How clichéd? I hold my hands up in sorrow at what I have become and shall depart, although if you do like what you see I'll be over there. With a friend I may add. I am a pest, and a very sorry pest at that." Brick held his hands up and walked back to his crew, defeated by his own inability to shut up. The girls hadn't spoken.

Dandara had been staring at Brick quizzically throughout, for more reasons than his behaviour. By the time Brick had re-told Spiritwind his brief female adventure, with an added scene involving a big bloke he had to shoo away, Dandara had worked it out. "Weren't you one of the guys lifted up in his chair?"

Brick turned slowly. He didn't want to spill his cocktail. "Chair, what chair would this be?" He tried to work out if chair could be a euphemism and if lifted could mean she fancied him.

"The meeting on Velos 19, you were there, in a chair that was lifted up during the meeting?" Dandara figured she could blame drink for anything she said should it prove to be inaccurate. Jam took his four drinks and went to collapse on a seat. He used the information post as a crutch. It was happy to allow such usage. It was interested to sit with him and find out how anyone could be so incoherent and still exist.

"You were in the other chair." She turned her attention to Spiritwind. "What were their names, Bettina?"

"Bettina! What a beautiful name." Brick was off again. "I mean that by the way. It wasn't a line. I'm having trouble thinking things without actually saying them, as you can probably tell. I didn't run that comment through my mind first to work out how effective it would be on you. It was genuinely what I thought, and thus said, if that helps. Did I mention I was sorry?" Bettina was amused, Dandara continued trying to remember.

"It was something daft, Rock, Twig or something."

"I think she wants to know your name." Spiritwind nudged Brick's awareness towards Dandara.

"All the ladies do." Brick grinned in a manner nobody would appreciate.

"No really." Spiritwind stepped back at the strength of the beer he'd taken a swig of.

"Brick Wall. Brick Wall. Who wishes to know my name because it's Brick Wall?" Brick spun round looking for who wished to know.

"That was it. Brick and....." Dandara battled with her tongue.

"Spiritwind." Spiritwind helped her destroy the tongue's resistance.

"Brick and Spiritwind. That was hard work." Dandara took a well earned swig. Her stool rocked backwards in reaction.

"Do you all know each other?" The barman had been watching, wishing to join the party he'd begun.

"In passing." Bettina offered the landlord a conservational rope to pull himself in with.

"Do we?" Brick wondered if she had a spare rope for him.

"Velos 19, yesterday. Secret mission we're all on." Bettina followed Dandara's lead of not worrying about what was said.

"I for one have no idea what you're talking about. I do however know that were I ever to be on a secret mission I wouldn't be talking about it." Brick looked around. He sensed it may be a test to see if they'd talk. He'd read enough spy novels to know it was always the seductress in the pub that was up to no good.

"This isn't a test to see if you'll talk." Dandara spotted his concerns.

"Surely only the guilty mind of somebody carrying out a test would think to say such a thing so quickly." Brick knew what he said was based on logic. He just wasn't sure where the logic was.

"Listen." Dandara laid the truth out before them all. "We've misplaced the list of planets we were given to explore so we've come to the nearest Earth franchise we could find..."

"Earth franchise?" The barman was still only just hanging on even with a rope. Bettina continued to guide him.

"You know how these drunken theories of life go. It's a social commentary on the planet as franchises threaten to stifle and uniform the world." Spiritwind heard Bettina and instantly liked her. She caught him looking for a second too long and maintained her eye contact until he looked away embarrassed. She found his coy nature instantly endearing.

"I couldn't agree more." The barman nodded his approval and continued listening.

"It looks as though this is one of your planets. Now we don't want to step on any toes or offend anyone so we shall leave." Dandara started dismounting the stool. It looked far further down than when she had climbed on it.

"Let's not be hasty" Brick's mini romance between he and Dandara still had many chapters in his mind. "Firstly: you couldn't offend us even if you tried, because if you're trying to offend us then whatever you say is born from a biased place and thus cannot be given any worth as an opinion." Brick drifted away. He forgot he'd started the sentence with 'firstly'. The bemused faces reminded him.

"Secondly: I accept we know what you're talking about and yes it was us, maybe, because if this is a trap then what I mean is I don't know what you're talking about. And thirdly: What harm can joining us do? The more of us the merrier we get. There must be a snappier way of saying that."

"You want us to join you?" Dandara reacted defensively.

"Join, come with, help us, lead us? It's all semantics with one outcome. We're very new at the heroics game. How long have you been doing this may I ask?"

"We became full time about a squish (six months) ago and we're doing okay alone." Bettina didn't join in. All she could think about was giggling. It didn't appear to be a comment that was needed right now.

"What is it with heroes working alone? Even though I can see you're working alone together. It's all very bold but where's the fun?" Brick spoke to his reflection in the mirror behind the bar. It looked back in full agreement.

"We could always combine our plans?" Spiritwind thought he should bring some sense to the discussion.

"Depends on what your plan is?" Dandara hoped the question wasn't reversed.

"Well that is a good question and you're right to ask. Brick?"

"We're going inside a few of those buildings to see what's going on." Brick's improvisation always worked best in pubs.

"How will you do that then?" The barman popped back in. He'd been trying to follow the analogy.

"Why through the front doors, my good man."

"They're all sealed. No way inside anymore. You have to apply. Unless we're talking about an analogous door because I've heard they're opened with thoughts and wisdom."

"For the moment let's return to reality." Brick tried to focus on one plain of existence at a time.

"That's what I've been saying for years." The barman was the only one to laugh at his comment on the current state of the world.

"Are you saying the literal doors are closed and can't be entered in any of these buildings?" Brick tried to nail down reality.

"Yes."

"So how do people get in and out?" Brick was struggling.

"They don't. That's why I was so surprised to see you lot. How did you get out?"

"Of course we can get in and out. I meant more in the mental sense. You know like the window to the soul, only in door form." Brick verbally ran away back to obscurity.

"So are we in an analogy or not?" The barman searched his brain with his eyes.

"Could I get another pint?" Spiritwind interrupted the confusion with the gesture of a potential answer. He let the barman start refilling before releasing it. Three more empty glasses joined the queue for a top up as he did. "We should get really drunk."

"Exactly, you can work out any problem by drinking copious amounts of booze." Brick concurred with a raised empty hand. He wondered where his pint had gone. The barman placed it in front of him. Brick nodded his approval at the perceived magic trick.

"No need to work it out. Getting really drunk is the answer. All we have to do is get trolleyed and convince ourselves we live in those flats." Spiritwind pointed out the window. "Then through the power of drunken magic we'll wake up at home with no idea how we got there."

"Does that even work in theory?" Dandara wasn't convinced, but after a pint and a shot she was open to the possibility.

"You'd be surprised what works with a little blind belief. Jam's ship is a fine example. You could call it something of our speciality, just going for it. Plus what is there to lose? If all goes wrong at least we get a good night out."

"I'm for." Brick downed the pint that had just been conjured. The barman looked up and took the pot back to the pump. Brick gasped in delight.

"What was your plan, out of interest?" Spiritwind sipped his fresh beverage whilst enquiring towards the two ladies.

"We didn't have the full specifics....."

"You didn't have a plan did you? You were hoping ours would be something sensible enough to claim as your own." Brick's sentence brimmed with proud stupidity.

"I'm not going to bow down to such accusations."

"I told you. We're natural heroes." Brick beamed to his friend.

"I'm not sure detecting a lie makes you Superman."

"Who wants to be Superman? He isn't even real." Brick checked his pocket for the coherence he appeared to have misplaced.

"Maybe we're not real?" Spiritwind pondered as the drunkenness from the Frothy Fumblers collided with the new wave of intoxication. The two states met somewhere in the middle. "This could all be part of an elaborate hoax."

"Then I say we raise our glasses to such a convincing hoax. What were we doing again?" Brick wondered how his glass had disappeared again. The landlord was truly a magician, although this trick was from the evil school of wizardry.

"Getting drunk." Bettina toasted the idea, and with a subtle nod of her head suggested they all move to the comfier seats that Jam had procured. The barman placed the final drinks of the current round on to a tray.

Bettina liked Brick and Spiritwind, especially Spiritwind. Dandara liked them as much as she ever liked anybody. She saw a decent arguing partner in Brick if nothing else. The two ladies led the way to the seats.

"I like these girls." Brick whispered to Spiritwind as they began to follow, tray of drinks in hand.

"You like all girls." Spiritwind offered grounding. He didn't want Brick falling in love again. He'd only just got over the receptionist.

"Barman, come join us with our next round." Brick ushered the barman along to the party. The sound of the tray of drinks striking the table jarred Jam in to a vague state of wakefulness. He'd closed his eyes in fear of the screen he imagined was following him. Keeping them firmly shut he could still hear its hum.

"Jam. We're getting drunk again." Brick unveiled the latest plan.

"Again? When was I sober?" Jam still refused to open his eyes.

"I see a certain intoxicated pattern emerging to this mission." Spiritwind tried to oblige his behaviour with awareness.

"Of course you do; the intoxicated pattern of success." Brick raised his glass as the barman appeared with a tray full of shots and three bottles of something purple.

"I do like this analogy business, makes me feel very high brow."

The group's confidence was shared by the seemingly impenetrable buildings that surrounded them; however the drunken mind thinks in a way no sober architect could plan for, and two of the finest drunken minds in the universe were working on exploiting his blind spot.

Contents
Chapter Twenty One

Dollop watched his leg enter the damsel suit. Its monstrous nature replaced by a slender promise of virtue the further in it travelled. He wasn't happy.

"Wear a woman dress indeed. I've never known anything so ridiculous."

"I think you look lovely as a damsel." Sandbag sat on the hill they'd landed on, gently mocking his peer.

"How would you feel if a damsel gave you a lesson in manners?" The threat was light hearted but intent lay beneath it.

"All right Dollop. Don't get your dress in a twist."

"Do you not sense this is a touchy subject? I am dressing as the very antithesis of my being. My entire working life stands as a mockery by applying such a gown. I'm upset by the indignity of the whole affair and as a beast I have only one way of expressing my emotions: Pain!" The stare was intimidating; however the effect was lessened by the frilly dress that adorned the lower half of his body.

"I was actually just warning you not to get your dress in a twist. You're stood on the back end. If you turn it'll get it all knotted up." Sandbag used his least aggressive posture to respond.

Dollop turned to check the dress. Pulling it free he opted for huffing and puffing and a vague nod of appeasement over an apology. Any tension that may have risen was quickly interrupted by the Hugo monitor beeping. Dollop walked across to it and read the easy to interpret screen.

"He'll be here in a falafel (ten minutes)." Dollop relayed what he saw.

"Should we practice?" Sandbag stood in readiness.

"I'm sure you know how to terrorise a fair maiden. Plus I only want to do this once. Hide the ship. We don't want him suspecting anything." Dollop referred to the bullet ship they'd arrived on. It sat by them. The incline of the mound they stood atop had brought them to a gentler halt then on previous journeys.

"Okay." Sandbag looked around. The hill was devoid of anything but grass, all of it short. "Any suggestions as to where?"

"I've enough to deal with, with this dress. You'll have to think of something." Dollop wrestled his arms in to place.

Sandbag continued spinning in the hope a large bush he hadn't spotted would come in to view. It didn't. With a flash of inspiration he ran over to the craft and pushed it, then continued to push it over the edge of the hill. The spherical ship did as its shape intended and rolled neatly to the bottom, before continuing on for a good half mile into the open space that surrounded them. Sandbag watched on open mouthed. He turned back to his partner. He saw no reason to mention it yet.

"How do I look?" Dollop disappeared beneath the hooded mask, instantly becoming a fallen princess in the eyes of any that came across him. Sandbag's blood boiled at the sight. "Why are you looking at me like that?" Dollop saw the glint in his peer's face.

"Sorry. It's just hard to remember you're in there. I don't think there'll be any problem playing the role of attacker." He continued to stare.

"Well calm yourself. We have to wait until he's in range."

"Are you sure you don't want to do a practice run?" Sandbag twitched in excitement, eyes still firmly locked.

"My fist is firmly clenched beneath this maiden glove." Dollop raised his hand threateningly, an amusing sight to any onlookers.

"Sorry. I'll look the other way."

"I think that would be best." The two henchmen waited as the beeping increased in frequency, denoting Hugo's fast approach. Sandbag faced one way, Dollop the other, although the disguised beast kept a wary eye firmly on his friend.

***********

Chieftains Desire hurtled towards the next Earth on Hugo's intimidating, long list. It had picked out a particularly nice hill to land upon, as it always did. It knew Hugo's preference for the heroic stance within a gentle breeze, enough to dislodge a wispy fringe but not enough to affect the body of the hair. It also gave him the stage to announce his analogous warning that evil's time was up. Hugo practised the statement he'd prepared for this particular planet. A good hero always prepares, and he was the best.

The gentle landing made a mockery of the difficulty of such a procedure. With the statement still fresh in his mind Hugo bound for the door as touchdown was complete. In perfect synchronicity with the hero's stride the door opened and the ramp descended, catching each bound with a sense of surety and pride. His focus lay ahead until a shriek interrupted.

Turning to his side he saw Sandbag towering over the maiden, stalking towards her with naughty behaviour in mind. Hugo jumped instinctively to the rescue.

"Do not fear Ma'am. Help is here. The best darn help the universe can offer."

Sandbag gave a wink to Dollop then roared theatrically. It was the last Dollop saw of his friend as his head was replaced by Hugo's extended fist, closely followed by the said man's grinning face. It took all of Dollop's self restraint not to attack his life long enemy. Remembering the fear Sid had induced in him brought his hormones back in to line. Hugo leapt across to Sandbag, giving Dollop time to regain his composure. Hugo continued being bold as he went.

"You need not fear any longer my lady. The beast has been vanquished. He will hurt you no more." Sandbag was thoroughly unconscious. Hugo gave the limp body a sneer then returned to his female prize. "Did the vermin hurt you?"

It took Dollop a moment to adjust to not being attacked by Hugo. "No I don't think so." His voice fitted the maiden perfectly, a by-product of the suit.

"These animals make me sick. I may have to go over there and teach his unconscious mind a few more lessons." The hero tensed, ready to return to the prone henchman.

"No. Don't leave me. I'm sure it's learnt its lesson." Dollop only had the protection of his friend in mind. Hugo read it as a signal of affection and a desire for physically demonstrated gratitude.

"Only the voice of such a sweet and perfect lady could prevent me from doing what seems so right."

Awkwardness descended. Hugo took it as a pre-kiss moment, but the truth was Dollop was trying to work out how he could retrieve the spray from under his hat. He would have to allow Hugo to return to Sandbag. An idea struck. "Could you possibly check if the brute still has my handbag? He snatched it from me."

"It would be a pleasure my angel of wonder." The wink was sickening and caught Dollop off guard. He preferred being attacked.

Hugo walked back to Sandbag, who'd travelled a fair distance even for the ultimate hero's standards. It gave Dollop ample time to find the spray beneath the coned headpiece. Fully armed he followed Hugo, noting the kick he gave Sandbag as he searched him. Hugo sensed Dollop's approach, but not his intent.

"You may wish to stand back ma'am. This brute could awake without notice."

"I'm sorry. I'm just curious. I've never seen a sedated monster so close before."

Hugo turned to face him. "We're all monsters in one way or another. It's just some unfortunate folks can't hide it from the world."

The sentiment jarred Dollop's arm causing a pause in his intention to spray; however seeing the beaming grin and the eyes that sat above it reminded Dollop of the last thing he saw before the tower block that scarred him for life collapsed. Rage reanimated his limb, lifting it point blank in to Hugo's face and squeezing the nozzle with all his worth. Dollop didn't stop until the can was empty.

Hugo recoiled, rubbing his eyes and coughing uncontrollably. Dollop watched on unsure what to do or expect. The uncertain stand-off lasted for ten or more seconds before subsiding. Hugo collapsed to the floor and curled up. Mumbling to himself and rocking gently. Dollop could see the hero was going nowhere and concentrated on bringing Sandbag back round. The woozy henchman sat up and looked curiously at Hugo, before rubbing his own aching jaw.

"He's got a punch on him."

"You must have faced the hero's bull punch before." The hero's bull punch is part of the standard grade one hero package. It allows the user to render any opponent of a similar size unconscious for as long as is needed with one swift crack to the face. Brick and Spiritwind were yet to discover they even had it, let alone use it.

"I normally shake them off and grin menacingly. I've never had one off someone a similar size before." Sandbag stood. The two henchmen awaited any further reaction from Hugo. When it came they were both surprised. It took the form of the man mountain in tears. Neither knew how to react, so didn't.

Eventually Dollop plucked up the courage to do something. He asked if Hugo was okay. "Are you all right there?"

"Yes I'm fine. I'm just so pleased to hear the news." More weeping followed. Not of the happy variety.

"The news?" Dollop tried to pat Hugo on the back. He'd seen it done on a T.V show once. With his disguised monster arm the gentle pat was more like a thorough punch. It jarred Hugo in to lifting his head, and wheezing slightly.

"About universal peace being declared, haven't you heard?"

"Oh that. Of course we've heard about that." Dollop improvised as best he could. It had never been an essential tool for a henchman, or writer. He'd always had time to think of an explanation for the words his characters said.

"I've devoted my entire existence to ridding the universe of evil and now it's done." Hugo wept further.

"Isn't that a good thing?" Sandbag didn't follow.

"For the universe yes, but what will I do now? I can't retrain at my age, don't ask what it is by the way. Let's just say I'm looking pretty dapper for it. I'd have to start back at the bottom in any new trade."

"Don't put yourself down. You could always move in to after dinner speaking. I hear there's good money in that. I'm sure you've got endless anecdotes." Dollop shrugged towards Sandbag. He'd never expected to be comforting Hugo Cortizone while dressed as a damsel and offering him career advice.

"I don't want to live on the past memories alone. I want the excitement of battle, the hunt, the endless chase in the constant quest for the safety of all. It was my purpose and now it is gone. What does a man do without purpose?" Hugo placed his face back in his hands. Dollop offered an answer to the rhetorical question.

"He stagnates and gives up, spends his life achieving nothing more than making it back to bed each night only to start another pointless day in a few hours time."

"Is that my future? Is that all I have to look forward to: making it back to bed?" Hugo and Dollop struck up something of an instant repartee.

"Take these. They may help." Dollop offered Hugo a few sleeping tablets. They had to get him back to Crizal.

"What are they?" Hugo popped them into his mouth. He saw no malice in the offer. After all the universe was now a peaceful place, suspicion was futile.

"They're sleeping tablets. They'll help you rest. You look like you need it. We'll take you back to our house so you won't be disturbed."

"That's a noble gesture from a stranger. I thank you, as does the universe for aiding its once greatest son." Hugo passed out. Dollop swung in to action, pausing to remove his hood to stop Sandbag drooling and staring at him.

"Where did you hide the ship? It's very effective wherever you put it." Dollop looked around.

"It's just down the side of the hill. I thought we could take Hugo's ship though. It's far faster and there's less chance of us throwing up." Sandbag tried to avoid discovery of his error as Dollop ran to the brow of the mound to look for it.

"Nice idea but Sid would kill us thrice if we turned up in Hugo's ship. The amount of tracking devices that thing will have on it. We'd lead the entire Guild directly to Crizal. So where did you hide it exactly?" Dollop peered over the edge but still couldn't see it.

"You might want to look a little further towards the centre of the field at the bottom." Dollop squinted. "Bit further." Dollop finally spotted it. He turned to Sandbag with an air of disappointment.

"You know you're carrying him to the ship?"

Sandbag considered protesting before realising he had nothing to back up his objection. "Fine, I don't mind. It's all good exercise."

Sandbag lifted Hugo on to his shoulders. Dollop led the way at an unforgiving pace.

"Well that was a very straightforward and successful plan." Sandbag spoke while struggling to keep up.

"A little too straightforward for my liking; in fact it's all going a little too well to be an evil plan to take over the universe."

"Sometimes you worry too much Dollop. Just enjoy it." Sandbag bounced across the uneven surface, an ever growing loss of control joining his walking style.

"Worrying too much is what's kept me alive all this time." Dollop quickened his pace further. He considered it retribution for the damsel based mockery he'd faced. Although revenge was not at the forefront of the wizened henchman's mind. Dollop was wondering when the hero invoice would arrive for their continuing success. It was beginning to look overdue.

Contents
Chapter Twenty Two

"I'm in a bath aren't I?" Brick opened his eyes to the familiar sight of a bathroom ceiling.

"It would appear from my vantage point you are, yes." Spiritwind sat up. Any attempt at neck movement was greeted with a severe twinge. Spiritwind revealed the cause with a cursory glance at the floor. "I don't know who suggested this carpeted step as a pillow but their idea of potential comfort should never be heeded again."

"It was probably the same person that suggested this sink." Jam's voice entered the discussion. Brick and Spiritwind were used to waking up in curious places but they were usually alone in their ridiculous choices of dozing venues. Spiritwind turned his entire body to look behind him. All he could see of his intoxicated captain was a shoe sticking out of the faucet. Brick raised his body up the natural slant of the bath to see each of Jam's limbs draped over the edge of the shell-like, porcelain cleansing implement. Brick continued to peer around the room in discovery.

A full bathroom suite of catalogue perfection shone around the drunken crew. They were clearly not a part of the intended design. The room was split into two levels, the height difference making the effort barely worthwhile. The bath straddled the altitude divide, the sink firmly positioned on the higher level. Spiritwind remained still from the shoulders up, sat on the step and un-wrapping a scotch egg.

Jam removed his numbing limbs from the sink. The blood had struggled to keep them full through the night, its passage restricted by the edges they hung over. Making contact with the floor, haemoglobin flooded back to its natural path with added tingles and feeble levels of control. Jam used his hands to aid his faltering legs, holding himself up on his chosen bed for the evening.

"Are we in the toilet in the pub?" Brick took his first guess at their whereabouts.

"If this is a pub toilet then the future definitely gets my thumbs up." Spiritwind raised his thumbs. It was about all he could move without inviting agony. The only position of comfort he could find for his head was down and to the left. He offered a suggestion as he experimented with small, measured movements. "Why don't you see what's through that door?" He pointed vaguely to his left.

"Maybe I will." Brick answered in defiant tone before scrambling from the bath in a manner befitting a duck dismounting a springboard. He wobbled his way to the door, curious as to his obsession with water based sleeping places.

The door revealed a bedroom of minimal lighting. A bed large enough for several oversized mammals dominated the room. Resting upon it were two females, both fully clothed and beginning to stir. Brick closed the door the moment his brain acknowledged what he'd seen.

"There are two women in there."

"Women? Oh yeah, we met those two women." Spiritwind added an inch to his neck movement.

"How will we get out with the owners......what women?" Brick's brain caught up with his friend's memory.

"The two female heroes we met in the pub." Eye contact remained minimal. "What were they called? Bettina and Dandruff or something."

"Did that really happen? I presumed I'd dreamt that. Am I still dreaming?"

Jam gave up standing and sat on the rim of the bath. "I'm glad somebody else asked that question. We just need to know whose dream it is." Jam wondered why his pants were so wet if this was a dream. Why would his subconscious impose such a penalty?

"Hold on. I have a memory returning from the midst." Spiritwind's Scotch egg was working its magic. "I recall Bettina explaining something about a grade one hero package. Something about single heroes on a quest will inevitably meet up with other single heroes of the opposite sex. And that love will blossom through the initial hatred as they celebrate the climax of the adventure with a kiss."

"What did you say to that?"

"Think I went to get another drink in panic. Didn't know if she wanted me to kiss her or not so I went all awkward."

Brick had let Spiritwind's initial sentence sink in. "So are you saying we now possess the power to be forced in to intimate situations with hot women?"

"She didn't mention anything about hot." Spiritwind gained a further two inches of neck movement, and a good portion of his ability to turn right.

"Hot was my added extra, but I believe the essence of my question remains the same?"

"That's what she said."

"Well that's marvellous. I wonder what else we can do."

"What's marvellous?" Bettina walked casually into the bathroom and headed to the sink. She somehow maintained an air of freshness despite the heavy nights drinking.

"You are. Marvellous that is. Sorry. Still a bit drunk. Struggling with social control." Brick embarrassed himself, forgetting about the grade one powers in the process.

"Let's not continue with all the apologies. There was enough last night." Bettina smiled at Spiritwind as she passed him. The warmth it held was enough to wipe the memory of pain from Spiritwind's neck. He jarred his head back to reciprocate. It quickly snapped back to its safe position in agony. He could easily interpret a smile of affectionate interest, just not when aimed at himself. Spiritwind always erred on the side of intended friendship. It led to less embarrassment.

"You're wasting your time with that sink. It doesn't even have a tap." Jam tried to assist Bettina as she approached the porcelain water host. Just because he was dreaming it didn't mean he couldn't be helpful.

"It doesn't need one. Whatever you place within it is covered by a fine water vapour." She swilled her face with the delicacy of a flower amidst a spring shower. Jam would swear she moved in slow motion, although that may be down to a purple phial he recalled drinking. At least he now understood why his pants were so wet.

"Do you know where we are?" Brick stuck to safer topics.

"Why? Where do you think we are?" Bettina's skin glistened as she turned. The grin suggested she knew fully.

"In the toilet in the pub?" Brick had little else to offer.

"You are funny." Even though Brick spoke, Bettina tapped Spiritwind on the head as she stepped down a level. Spiritwind looked confused. He'd forgotten the conversation they'd shared which saw him admit he couldn't read a woman's amorous intentions. Bettina thought of it as something to toy with, and as she thought Spiritwind was a nice guy she didn't mind if it led to a cheeky snog.

Bettina chose not to answer the question concerning where they were. Instead she left the door teasingly ajar as she passed through it. Sharing glances of uncertainty Brick, Spiritwind and Jam remained still. Only Jam was unsure what they were all so unsure about. Bettina realised they may need further enticement and popped her head back in. "Come on. We have a universe to save."

Brick followed first. Spiritwind and Jam were still recovering from the effects of their evening's rest. Jam waddled and Spiritwind stuttered through a bedroom of showroom feel and into a living room devoid of the sense of life. By the time the stragglers arrived Brick was already debating something with Dandara.

"Couldn't help noticing gender equality went straight out of the window when it came to dishing out the sleeping comfort." Brick's tone pushed moral mockery.

"We arm wrestled you for it." Dandara stole everything but a whimper from the sentence.

"These future living rooms are cosy aren't they?" Brick moved on.

With the addition of Jam and Spiritwind the room had become somewhat cramped. An armchair, sofa, coffee table and television took up most of the floor space. Decoration was meagre, personality lacking. A figure sat in the armchair, apparently comatose. Brick gave him a shake.

"Come on buddy. We've got an adventure to be on. No sleeping on the job I'm afraid. I've tried." He turned to the others. "Where did we pick this guy up from?"

"We didn't. This is his flat. He's in the virtual world." Dandara didn't look up from the book she and Bettina were perusing. Bettina offered a glance and an amused smile to Brick, but looked straight back at the manual once it had been caught.

"Oh. Is that bad? Should we ring somebody? Police maybe? Poke him with a stick? Only put the telly on half volume?" Brick noticed Spiritwind and Jam eyeing up the sofa. He casually moved towards one end in an effort to claim a seat. He didn't want to be stuck in the middle, a position of debatable worth on such comfort potential. Dandara saw his move.

"I hope you're not thinking of sitting down." Her stern tone didn't require the removal of her gaze from the book.

"Erm, no." Brick had no idea why he was denying such a reasonable action. He believed it was a subconscious response to the tone he was faced with.

"I'm guessing there's a reason we shouldn't? Morning by the way." Spiritwind used a more practical approach to finding out why, and fulfilled his politeness duties in one succinct sentence. Bettina winked back, Dandara remained engrossed but responded.

"If you sit there you'll enter the virtual world."

"I thought that was why we were here." Brick was confused.

"It is, but it always helps to know as much information as possible before entering a world blindly." Dandara looked up and motioned towards her reason for reading the book.

"I see. You're one of those 'be prepared' style heroes." Brick flounced in to speech mode. The minimal space in the living room limited his knowledgeable striding to three steps, one of which had to pass an unconscious man in a chair. "Me and Spiritwind are your more classical 'take a chance and deal with the consequences as you go' style. We live on the edge, fly by the seat of our pants, whatever that actually means. Oh yes indeed we are the essence of risk."

"Steffi Graf!" Spiritwind cursed while wiping mustard from his shirt. It had fallen from the hot dog he was devouring and somewhat lessened the impact of Brick's speech, which was already minimal.

"Shall we, gentlemen?" Dandara slammed the book shut and motioned towards the settee. The two females took up a position on each arm of the three piece furniture.

"Any chance of a quick summing up of what we're about to do?" Brick had to ask, surprised at his need for encouragement to take a pew.

"What happened to flying by the seat of your pants?"

"I've saved a space for you Spiritwind." Bettina patted the place nearest her. It was the end of the sofa nearest Brick. Panic shot across the well haired hero's face as Spiritwind obliged.

"Thank you very much. That's very considerate of you." Spiritwind told himself it was simply a friend showing consideration, nothing more, nothing less. If he didn't let the idea take hold that she liked him then he couldn't embarrass himself later on. He wasn't sure who he was trying to kid.

"You'd better take this corner Jam. You don't look like you could remain sat upright in the middle. Slumping will suit you better." Dandara eased Jam on to the other end, leaving Brick's question about what they were doing hanging and his panic at the seating arrangements growing. He hated the centre seats of sofas with a passion most people reserve for monstrous heads of state. The centre of a full sofa was practically the antithesis of its being. Its uselessness only rivalled by that of a corner unit in the desert. There was nothing but discomfort to be gained from such a seat.

With Jam sat down Brick was ushered to the middle. It was clear Dandara was waiting to have everyone in position before explaining further. Brick stropped his way to the centre and sat heavily. It was a social nightmare. Every movement encroached on another's space, the fear of inappropriate contact ruining any chance of relaxation.

"Now that we are all comfortable..."

"Humph." Brick deflected Dandara's sweeping statement.

"Most of us at least. We simply sit back, relax, and allow our minds to be taken into the virtual world. It should happen quite naturally."

"As if I can relax sitting here. It'll take.....oh hold on." A falling sensation slipped from deep within each hero's soul. Darkness took over as the sensation of a journey gripped every part of their being. Brick reached out to the flow in an effort to go with it. He reasoned it couldn't be taking him anywhere more uncomfortable than where he was sitting.

Contents
Chapter Twenty Three

Hugo Cortizone regained consciousness. His body warmed by the fragrant sun, his entirety rocking gently side to side. A smile emerged across his face, a sense of harmonious perfection sweeping through his being. Using his years of being alive and all the experience it brings, he knew without opening his eyes that he was on a hammock. It was either that or a dinghy in a paddling pool, but Hugo edged his bets. His well honed hero sense allowed rest without fear. At last, universal peace. No more would he need to spend his days fighting crime, capturing evil, and spouting monologues of minimal worth. A scream rang through the hunk's head.

Hugo sat bolt upright in panic at the realisation. The hammock controlled skilfully despite the turbulent emotion. The words ran through his head once more: 'No more would he need to spend his days fighting crime, capturing evil, and spouting monologues of minimal worth'. This was a nightmare. What else was there to do with your day?

A second thought entered the concerned, heroic mind: 'Where am I'?

The hammock was perched within the grounds of an English garden plucked direct from royalty. He had no recollection of entering such a place. In fact he didn't recollect much about the whole of recent history.

Hugo turned to find Dollop, still disguised as a maiden, smiling back from a bench-swing covered in flowers and cushions. Sid stood by the side of the henchman. The miniature megalomaniac offered his employee a nudge of encouragement. It felt more like a bolt of thunder, but achieved its aim of triggering the damsel's rehearsed script.

"You're finally awake. Would you care for breakfast?" Dollop took a moment to grasp the reality of the situation he found himself in. His arms wafted over a table filled with breakfast goods, picking up a few oranges as he did. "We have bread, egg in all its forms, bacon, and freshly squeezed orange juice." An orange exploded in Dollop's hand. It released the tension Hugo's proximity created. The henchman used a wider grin and ignorance to avoid any fuss this may potentially cause.

"Maybe later my sweet lady of virtue." Hugo was instantly struck by the beauty he was faced with, staring for a time slightly longer than friendly etiquette would allow. Sid noted the development. "First I must know where I am."

"You are safe. Of that you can be certain." Sid stepped forward. The sun glistened from his armour, no unfounded fear emanated. The megalomaniac ensured it remained tightly controlled behind the suit. To allow any to escape would break Hugo's spell instantly. "You are a welcome guest in these truly joyous and curious times of adjustment."

"Of course, universal peace has been declared." Hugo looked out to the lawn in thoughtful realisation. He'd been rehearsing the announcement in his mind and was happy it came off as intended. He noted a few potential tweaks for future performances. The ponderous gaze lasted long enough for Sid and Dollop to wonder what the hero was doing. Sid tired of waiting and reeled off the back story he'd prepared. It was enough to turn Hugo's head back.

"I too face the news with mixed emotions. My entire empire has been built upon the merchandising of heroes." The wave of the hand was poorly timed.

"Merchandising? You are an officially licensed merchandising outlet?" Hugo's business head emerged. He hated bootleggers almost as much as tyrants.

"Of course. To trade illegally would draw a lawsuit the magnitude of which only the future could comprehend. Plus I would hate to see all those charities suffer from the lost revenue."

"The charities, of course, the charities would suffer from any drop in profit. I don't suppose you have your official license available. If I could just check..."

"Is this really the priority Mr Cortizone?"

"No of course not. Money, pah. I hate the society its importance thrives on. I trust you implicitly. Without trust we allow evil the slightest gap to infect our world, and how it will infect." Hugo regained a pose of honour before relinquishing it to speak more quietly. "If I could see it at some point before I leave though that would be marvellous. We've had a real issue with forged licenses lately, wouldn't want to see my expenses going to the hands that haven't worked for them."

"Expenses?" Sid was no accountant but he knew of enough loopholes to avoid attention from the taxman.

"Expenses, profits, what's a column here and there? Anyway you were declaring something." Hugo leaned forward.

"I was wasn't I?" Sid recounted his place. "Now that sadly our fruitful harvest is at an end I feel indebted to you as my previous best seller. In some way my assets are yours...."

"At least seventy one percent were anyway." Hugo beamed.

"Seventy one percent! Is that the commission you charge? Of course it is. That's what I've been paying anyway." Sid spoke under his breath. "I'm clearly in the wrong business." Anyway my point is...." Sid wanted to finish his story before he forgot it, and wished to go and check if 'Sid Say's' had been registered as a trademark. Once the universe was his he intended to force his subjects to memorise all his greatest quotes. Why not make even more money off the back of it? "......due to the assets you generated for me the least I can do is offer you a place to come to terms with your new life."

"Your kindness stretches deep within my heart and pulls a gratitude that knows no bounds. The time away from the spotlight and unending pressure of universal stardom and adoration, a pressure I gladly accept if it means nobody else must suffer it, is time I greatly appreciate." A stray wink knocked a bird from its perch. "I happily accept your offer and promise no burden."

"Right, goooooooood. Glad that's settled." Sid was pleased the hard part was over. "I shall leave you in the capable hands of my finest damsel. She will attend to your every need." Sid bowed and turned to walk away, muttering various obscenities about Hugo's commission rate as he went. Nobody ever stopped to consider it was the bad guys that kept the whole industry going. He never saw a penny of the 'expenses' Hugo generated.

Sid passed through the house he'd offered to the hero and out of the secret door at the front. It resided within the shoe rack and offered passage back into the true face of The Underground Tower of Crizal.

Sid had built an annexe inside Crizal to keep Hugo happy. It consisted of an airy bungalow set in grounds of forests stretching a day's walk in every direction. To ensure there would be no escape Sid had assigned the perfect guard: Dollop disguised as a damsel. His innocent promise would never be perceived as an extra shackle.

It was a difficult role for Dollop to grow in to. He'd never held anyone prisoner through kindness and understanding, especially not the person he considered his arch enemy. How do you act kindly towards someone who makes you want to rip their face off every time you become aware of their existence?

"Maybe I should leave you alone for a while, give you time to gather your thoughts." Dollop felt a mild retreat may help.

"Would it appear rude to wish for some space right now?" Hugo worked the sensitive angle of his persona. He knew girls liked that almost as much as muscles.

"Not at all, you've been through a lot." Dollop stood, trying to think, and move, like a maiden.

"I thank you for your understanding." Hugo continued to be infuriatingly pleasant. Dollop had only seen the warrior within. This new side was difficult to hate with the same passion. "What title does such a beauty as you hold?"

"Sorry?" Dollop felt sure he couldn't say co-henchman.

"Your name?" Hugo grinned a grin without purpose.

"My name?" Dollop hadn't gone as far as to develop a name for his character. "Fayre Maiden." Improvisation was never his strong point.

"Fayre Maiden. What a fine and highly apt name."

"I suppose it is." Dollop strolled away. Hugo watched as he went.

Glancing back over his shoulder Dollop checked to ensure Hugo Cortizone really was within striking distance. The man that had plagued his dreams for centuries, the man he had sought vengeance on forever, sat right there looking dreamy eyed in his direction, clueless and vulnerable; and he could do nothing about it. Life is indeed a funny beast.

With Hugo staring after the exiting beast it was only a matter of time before their eyes met. The shiver that ran through the henchman was one without comparison. He'd faced down beasts with teeth bigger than his entire leg but the alluring gaze of an amorous man was beyond his training. He had no way of dealing with such a threat except to run. In his current attire the escaping jog looked more like a playful scuttle and a wish to be chased. Hugo smiled to himself as Dollop disappeared indoors. 'You've still got it'. Had he known exactly what it was he had he may not have been so pleased.

Contents
Chapter Twenty Four

"Now this is more like it."

Brick tilted his head back to take in the full splendour of the future. The team had arrived in the virtual world that most of the population of Earth now inhabited.

Buildings stretched far in to the sky, swarmed by flying vehicles of one sort or another. As with most of life the movie images of youth had inspired the scientists of the future. The entire floor they stood upon was highly polished chrome, the endless stream of shops reflecting back from it, enticing all towards them. Brick didn't care what they were selling, they promised happiness and general life satisfaction through clever combinations of colour and sounds. People littered the streets, sat around tables, enjoying the beverages and conversation on offer. The clothes they wore suggested a subtle blend of Victorian chic with a seventies twist. It seemed flairs would never go out of fashion.

Brick focused on a particularly attractive female. She wore a fully structured ballroom gown cut to miniskirt length, a thousand beads around her neck and a flower in her hair. Brick was shocked when she disappeared into thin air. He instantly jumped to a conclusion and commented in a casual manner that implied he was insightful.

"I see molecular transportation became the standard transport. I knew buses were impractical, and quite frankly a social nightmare."

"If you're referring to the woman that just disappeared she didn't transport anywhere." Dandara took a cloth to Brick's smug grin. "She was on what you would call a phone. In these modern times when communicating at a distance a holographic image of the person appears next to you. She just ended her call." Dandara pointed to the manual that had appeared with her in the virtual world.

"What if somebody rings while you're on...." An impish grin joined the sentence.

"If you're on the toilet or naked or in any of the other embarrassing situations trickling through your mind, the caller is diverted to a default image." Dandara was beginning to look like a worthy verbal combatant.

"So what do we do now?" Spiritwind spoke before filling his mouth with a hefty chunk of freshly procured future gateaux. Nobody was sure how he'd got it, where from, or how it was paid for, but it was the current reality.

"We just go about doing whatever we feel like doing. The clues will begin to show themselves." Bettina played with her hair and eyed up both Spiritwind and his gateaux at the same time.

"And the clues will definitely appear?" Brick remained doubtful. Spiritwind noticed Bettina's attention and tried to apply more etiquette to his eating. It was a difficult task as he tried to rescue the crumbling cake with his teeth.

"It's all part of the hero package....." Spiritwind tried to alert Brick to further mention of the hero package, but between his struggle with his cake and Brick distracted by his reflection in the floor, the opportunity for questioning passed. Bettina continued. "....A true hero doesn't have to search high and low for clues. By placing themselves within the vicinity of evil doings the suggestions to the answer will just appear. It's our task to notice them and deduce the solutions." Bettina's composure shifted towards panic as her finger trapped itself in her hair.

"What about being able to hang off cliffs with one hand and shoot big guns? Is that not a skill we need?" Brick demonstrated both as his attention returned to the group. Dandara stepped in to the role of teacher as Bettina pre-occupied herself with freeing her finger. It was stuck fast.

"Luckily for you such abilities are usually redundant. Heroics are far more subtle unless you're the likes of Hugo Cortizone. He ruins it for the rest of us, raising the expectations of the general public only for disappointment to follow when we turn up and approach the problem with a bit of thought and discussion." Dandara held bitterness over the public's perception of heroes.

"Perhaps people are bitter when faced with you but we exceed every expectation." Brick puffed out his chest, nearly falling over as he leant too far.

"What did you do to gain your hero status?" Dandara investigated.

"We missed the bus then read a book out to some aliens." Spiritwind applied truth to the situation.

"Will you stop talking us down." Brick was stalled by miffed outrage.

"It's the truth." Spiritwind was pleased to find his plate was edible. Future litter had been minimised greatly.

"A truth that can be embellished quite easily." Brick considered tutting, but couldn't be bothered.

"I always admire truthful men." Bettina threw out some further flirting. The intermittent yanking of her head by her still trapped finger made the approach less powerful.

"If we just have to go about our business can I go to the pub?" Jam attempted to raise his hand. The reflection in the floor confused him into paralysis. Speech became his only method of communication.

"We're in the future Jam. Do you not want to see how society has evolved?" Brick wished to share his excitement.

"We're not in the future. We're just at another point in the cycle of the Earth program. Time hasn't changed in the slightest for me. I'm just on another planet, and as with every planet I visit I wish to see how the pubs are."

"Cheers Jam. Good time to reveal you have perfectly coherent thoughts in there. Ooh we could go to a betting shop and use our knowledge of time to gamble on sporting events we already know the outcome of?" Everybody waited for Brick to see the multiple holes in his idea. It took longer than anyone expected. "Oh right. Sorry."

"We may go shopping then." Dandara turned to Bettina in suggestion. She agreed with a newly freed finger.

"I'll never understand the pleasure women gain from shopping." Brick aired his opinion.

"You're not supposed to. If you did that would make you a girl, and to be fair you wouldn't make a very pretty girl." Spiritwind scoured the floor for any further edible litter.

"I think you'll find I'd make an excellent woman. Any man would be proud to have me on his arm." Brick looked genuinely dejected.

"Well I guess we'll be off then." Dandara didn't have the time or motivation to wait and see where the conversation was heading. "Should we meet back here when the time display mechanism says eight?" The two girls didn't wait for confirmation as they wandered away. Brick only had one response, once they were out of earshot.

"That Dandara definitely has her eye on me."

"Only to make sure the punch she throws hits you square in the chops." Spiritwind wondered if he'd packed any chops.

"If this is where our journey together ends, then may I say our acquaintance has been one of many memories and times that fondness can only hope to touch." Jam reeled off an impromptu speech.

"We're meeting up in a few hours Jam. It isn't goodbye yet." Spiritwind tried to connect with Jam's eyes as he spoke. There was nothing to see but pretty colours and dreams of a better place. "On second thoughts we'll come and get you. Do you know which pub you're going in?"

"That one." Jam pointed over his shoulder.

"That's a dog grooming parlour."

"Really, it was a pub before." Jam looked in the direction his thumb pointed.

"The pub's next door." Spiritwind realigned the confused man. "Follow your finger and stay in there. We'll pick you up later." Jam stumbled away, following his finger blindly and chatting to it as he went. Brick and Spiritwind waved him off like two proud parents seeing their child enter the school gates for the first time.

"What are the chances he's in there when we get back?" Spiritwind doubted if they'd ever see Jam again.

"Being an eternal optimist I'd say about ten percent. So what are we going to do?"

"With the whole of humanities advances laid out before us, I thought what better thing to investigate than the humble television and sofa?"

"Sometimes I wonder why I mock you. That is a genius idea." Brick offered his peer praise.

"You say the nicest things." A moment of open appreciation broke out between the pair. It was quickly joined by Spiritwind's discovery that his stash of pastries had been transported into the virtual world with him.

"To the department store!" Brick raised his hand and stormed forward, an entirely impractical action for a man that didn't have the first clue where he was heading. Spiritwind sighed, nibbled a chicken pasty and followed on behind. The future was proving easy to handle, for now.

Contents

Chapter Twenty Five

Future society had discarded of money as currency. Instead capitalism was fuelled by envy. As part of the stream of data that made up your electronic self a byte resided within; its purpose being to monitor how envious you felt of others look and lifestyle whilst also accumulating the ratings others awarded you. A collective envy rating would be assigned to your identity. Your ability to purchase the goods the future offered relied entirely on this number.

Of course such a system perpetuated the spiral of worth, whichever direction you were heading in. For those that could afford the lavish extras of existence their rating would steadily increase, giving them access to bigger and better goods which in turn made others envy them more, increasing their rating further and allowed them access to even bigger and better items, and so on and so on. The same occurred for those that could afford little. Their worth would plummet.

Rock stars and musicians were beyond measurement in terms of envy hence music had become free to everybody. Any song you thought of would be instantly played out in your mind. Brick was unaware of this and continued to believe his ability to remember every lyric from every song, in perfect digital quality, was a by-product of his true potential coming out in his electronic persona. He'd been tapping his feet along to the latest tune whilst thoroughly enjoying the home furnishing dept of the multi-store he and Spiritwind had discovered; however after stumbling upon the television floor all thoughts of music had ceased.

The television had long since disappeared in any recognisable format. It existed as a small pebble that fired the images directly into your mind. You could choose to see the images in any number of ways, from the very first five inch, grainy black and white screens to perfect cinema size with accompanying sound and clarity options. Brick and Spiritwind had settled on total immersion: it places the viewer within the programme as an inconsequential bystander who could affect nothing they saw. Brick and Spiritwind were watching a bank heist movie but had become distracted by an alleyway across the road from the premises. They were currently stalking a pigeon for no reason other than they could. Their wanderings were interrupted by a three piece, velvet suited man with top hat, cane, and hair down to his waist.

"Excuse me gentlemen. You have spent a good hour perusing these goods. May I ask if you wish to purchase them?"

"You're not part of the film are you?" Spiritwind turned to face the shop assistant.

"Of course not, I am the salesman within the store you are frequenting." The assistant battled with required politeness.

"Did that pigeon just speak? I knew he was a plot device and not just an extra." Brick looked towards Spiritwind giddily, before seeing the salesman and instantly calming down. He covered his excitement with a question rather than an introduction. "That was you wasn't it?"

"Yes sir it was. Now about these goods and your desire to purchase them?" Patience was not forthcoming.

"We still need a little thinking time." Brick winked his intelligent attempt at seeing the whole film. Unfortunately his wink went askew and hit the patronising smile of the salesman instead. The velvet covered man knew what they were up to.

"Without wishing to appear rude gentlemen I suspect you are not in a position to purchase these goods and must subject you to an envy reading." The movie setting disappeared. The trio were surrounded by store once more. Spiritwind found himself sat in the buoyancy chair he'd been testing: it suspended your weight in the air as though lay in extremely salty water.

"What happens if we don't have a clue what you're talking about?" Brick had been immersed into the film in a standing position. He used it to argue a point he didn't understand.

"I suspect that would be the case whatever the topic of discussion." The assistant waved the end of his cane at the duo and read the top of the silver ball that adorned it. A smug grin preceded the result he read. "As I suspected. I have been in sales long enough to know a person's envy rating just by looking at them, and again my ability is proved true." Brick and Spiritwind didn't know what he was talking about but they hoped he'd get to the point sometime soon. "Gentlemen your rating is incredibly low. You can afford nothing within this dept that would make my envy commission worth the effort of selling it to you. I must ask you to leave."

"If I knew what you were talking about I'd be tempted to argue back. Just you be aware of that." Brick made his point as Spiritwind flounced his way out of his chair. "So which dept would we be able to afford something in?"

"Try the pet floor. You may be able to afford a hummingbird of some variety." The disdain in the salesman's voice was both excessive and unwarranted. Brick had thought of a criticism to aim at the assistant and fired a parting comment.

"You do know the cane is a practical walking aid? Your use of it as a fashion item is merely mocking the afflicted, although I do like the hat." The rebuke was nullified by the compliment.

Spiritwind ushered Brick from the area and up the three flights of stairs that led to the pet floor. Mumbled rebukes concerning such treatment filled the gap conversation normally occupied. Upon reaching the door to their desired floor they swung it open and stepped back in awe of what lay before them.

An African plain swept out before them, only in miniature form and inhabited by equally miniature animals. Herds of elephants no bigger than five inches high trundled across while two inch lions lazed under the sparse trees. Jungles lay off in the distance, an ocean beyond that. Had a sales assistant not arrived they could have stayed entranced for an age.

"Morning. Feel free to strap yourselves in and take a look around."

"Huh." Brick didn't even turn to face her. He was too engrossed by the flock of flamingos taking off and re-landing.

"The harnesses behind you. Put one on and you can explore to your heart's content. I'll be over the ocean following the dolphins if you need me." The assistant sailed away. She was strapped into a harness that held her horizontal to the ground. Allowing movement in any direction she skimmed around two feet from the plain in a Superman style pose. As she crossed the duo's eye-line they snapped out of their trance.

"Harness?" Spiritwind turned to Brick with an open palm, suggesting exploration.

"You say that as though you expect anything but yes."

Taking the next two harnesses from a line of plenty, the pair stepped in and secured themselves. They hung from the ceiling by a clever series of pulleys. Once Brick had untangled his hair and half his cardigan from the ropes, they both leant forward allowing the straps to take their weight. They found the controls easy to grasp. Intention and the resulting shift in body weight were enough to power them wherever they chose.

Splitting up Spiritwind began by following a herd of Wildebeest. Watching their migration across the Savannah, fending off attacks from all they came across.

Meanwhile Brick settled on a watering hole, observing in gruesome curiosity as three inch crocodiles awaited their next victims. After debating whether or not to help an entangled zebra he decided he enjoyed having tips to all his fingers and left. The upsetting nature of nature had begun to taint the wonder, plus a circle of Vultures had formed around his head. When one perched on his nose he felt it was time to move along. Aiming for the jungle Brick found a group of Chimpanzees to follow, and after drifting into three separate swarms of insects, all of which bit, he began paying attention to the path he took.

After a while Spiritwind had seen enough of the Wildebeest's travelling buffet and headed to the ocean where he found a foot-long Blue Whale. When it submerged he satisfied himself with dolphins who beckoned him down with back-flips and cries of jubilation. The Great White Shark in the distance dared the same action, only with the promise of menace.

The pair spent several hours lost in wonder, eating up the time they had to waste before meeting back with the crew. It was only when they bumped in to each other they were reminded of the mission they were on, and headed back towards the door slowly.

"I wouldn't mind a Giraffe to take back with me." Brick made his desire known.

"A Giraffe? Why a Giraffe when you could have a comedy Chimp?"

"I like the idea of being sat in me chair and a little Giraffe strolling past."

"I suppose there is that, but you could teach a Chimp tricks. How impressed would people be if you had a monkey on your shoulder cracking your pistachios open?"

"You'd let a Chimp feed you? They're not the most hygienic animal you know." Brick pointed out the obvious flaw to the idea.

"I'd make him wash his hands first. He could even have a little towel draped over his arm to wipe up after each one."

"Well imagine my Giraffe in the pub." Brick struggled to justify his statement. Spiritwind helped him out.

"He could reach high places and chew funny?"

"Exactly. Women love animals that chew funny and reach high places." Brick was satisfied with the attributes on offer.

"They do." Spiritwind allowed the pause to build before pointing out the obvious. "Of course six inches isn't that high to a five and a half foot woman."

"I'm acutely aware of that fact. If we could just move on."

The assistant re-appeared, gliding effortlessly next to them and offering un-intrusive sales patter. "Anything you like?"

"Indeed I do." Brick used his flirting voice. Spiritwind stepped in before he could embarrass himself.

"If we bought an animal and then returned to the real, real world would we still have it?"

"Why would you want to return to the real, real world?" She was puzzled by the thought.

"Why would you not?" Spiritwind countered with the same question.

"I've never really thought about it like that." She smiled a vacuous smile that could have accompanied any string of words she'd ever uttered. "To answer your question, no. Everything here is only a sequence of data. If you take away the framework that allows the data to run then it will not exist." The smile continued.

"Sorry you didn't see anything you wanted. Have a fun lifetime." She sailed away, back towards the ocean. Brick watched on longingly.

"But I have seen something I like." Life would never know if Brick's feeble chat up line would have sunk the lovely assistant, but most people could make a fairly accurate guess.

Reaching the harness area, the duo eventually untangled themselves and left. Reaching the ground floor they found locating the exit impossible and were quickly trapped amongst the endless perfume stands. Four rebukes and plenty of funny looks later, they were back outside and at the meeting point. They could see Bettina and Dandara chatting their way back, Jam remained absent. Brick took a cursory glance towards the dog grooming parlour.

"Either there's a breed of dog evolved to look exactly like Jam or he's sat in the dog shop." Brick wandered over as Jam took another swig from his hip flask.

The native Earthling opened the door and confirmed it was Mr Shandy. "Jam. What are you doing in here?"

"Ah, fellow. We know each other don't we? There's a Rottweiler about to get a perm. I'm very interested to see the result." Jam gestured to the seat next to him. "Join us. This is Annie Whatsoever. She's been telling me of all the uses for dog hair. She plans to revolutionise the fabric industry with what she knows." Annie nodded and added her own welcome to entice Brick in. Her jumper suggested one of her uses was already in practice.

"A Rottweiler getting a perm? That does sound interesting." Brick stepped inside as Spiritwind tried to whistle to announce the girls' arriving. Realising he couldn't control the sounds that came from his lips, Spiritwind jogged over and knocked on the window instead. He was instantly transfixed by the room.

"Actually Jam we should probably get going. Don't want to irk the ladies."

"Okay then. Annie, all my fortune goes with you on your quest for world domination. And Mr Rottweiler, good luck on the streets sporting such a look." Jam waved goodbye to the room, the room wondered who he was but felt it was best he left anyway. Brick spoke as they wandered back to the female portion of the gang.

"You do know that wasn't the pub?"

"Of course. I had to leave the pub after a while, was getting me down."

"Welcome gentlemen." Dandara used a simple tone that both presumed and mocked them for wasting their time in the future world. "Do we have any news that will further our quest?" She awaited a response amidst a plethora of shopping bags.

"I see you had no trouble buying things." Brick wondered if there was a pebble telly anywhere amongst the clothes.

"Apparently on this world our exotic look makes us quite wealthy. Love that envy system they use."

"Did you manage to buy any answers?" Brick wished to avoid any talk of envy ratings.

"Not unless the answers lie in a halter neck sweater with matching skirt." Dandara and Bettina high fived with their eyes. Brick turned to Jam instead.

"Sorry Jam. You were telling me why you left the pub."

"Was I? What did I say the reason was?"

"I don't know. You hadn't got that far."

"That's a shame. I'll bet it was a good story. Hold on, something's coming back to me." The tension was entirely bearable. "I remember. It's not that good a story actually."

"Well you may as well tell it. It's had the build up now." Brick wanted to discuss anything other than the girl's shopping success.

"If you insist. Everybody was getting me down. They were all so depressed and unmotivated. Saw only the futility in everything. Asked one fella which beer he'd recommend and he told me they were all rubbish. Then he started going on about the constant oppressive feeling in the air, as though their very motivation was being crushed by a downward wave of apathy. It was only when I asked for a pint of 'crushing downward wave of apathy' that I realised he wasn't even talking about beer. Not to worry. I had a few shots instead, but that didn't stop him. Said they'd hidden in this pretend world to escape the apathy that rained down on them outside but it had followed them in. There's already talk of building another world within this one. Sounds like one of those big dolls with little ones inside it if you ask me, and no good ever came from them. In the end I gave up and went and sat with the dogs. Dogs don't care about waves of apathy. As long as they're getting fed you can do what you like." Everyone stared at Jam.

"Why are you all looking at me? Have I got a beer moustache? I thought I'd been drinking shots."

"We're looking at you because that's exactly the kind of thing we've been looking for." Brick spoke for the others.

"What? A beer moustache is the answer to saving the universe? These heroics never cease to amaze me."

Brick ignored Jam's last comment and ran with the knowledge. "Whoever's flooding the universe with apathy is using more than just comfy seating. They're applying the classic two pronged attack. They're flooding the Earth from ground level and bombarding it from above. We need to find where it's coming from."

"And so we shall." Dandara wanted to get in on the proclamations. "The hero code states we should leave with urgency to our next destination. There we will discover the answer to the question we have asked. From here on in the adventure should begin to pick up pace until the inevitable success." She looked at Brick with a blend of jealousy, appreciation, and irritation.

"So how do we get out of here?" Brick's question was enough to allow irritation to win through.

"If you'd read the manual you'd know this."

"As part of a team I'm happy to allow the information to be held by only a few of our members."

"What if something had happened to us?"

"You were shopping." Brick's irritation levels pushed all Dandara's brief positive emotions about him to one side.

"That's not the point."

"If something had happened then our ability to improvise would have found a solution."

"So why not improvise now?" Dandara folded her arms in defiance.

"It's not a tap you can turn on and off. It only surfaces with genuine need. As you are here and know the answer it won't come out." It was a stalemate. Dandara chose to ignore Brick and focused on instructing the rest of the group.

"You have to close your eyes and truly embrace the reality that none of this is real....." Jam disappeared instantly. His grasp on reality was already weak enough. "Focus every sense on the truth that nothing around you truly exists, it is merely your senses being manipulated to believe it does. Remember what is true, the world we left, and you will be there."

One by one the heroes left the chrome street until only Brick remained. Something niggled at the back of his mind causing him to open one eye. Spotting a commotion in the dog parlour he peered to see a flurry of fur, combs and panicking ladies. His curiosity was satisfied as he disappeared with one last thought: 'If a Rottweiler was meant to have curls it would be brought up on a diet of bread crusts'.

It was a wisdom the unfolding adventure couldn't do without.

Contents
Chapter Twenty Six

A daffodil sat atop Noel hill, surveying the land it sat within as its unchallenged leader, pleased nobody dared to try and steal its patch. Had it any concept of life beyond its largest petal it would know that it had simply sprouted before anything else, as it did every year. The other flowers lay beneath the surface of the Earth. Seedlings waiting for the sacrificial daffodil to ensure they didn't emerge in the midst of a warm snap before spring fully got going, and thus die within a week of being born.

The sudden intrusion of five large, moving objects on to the hill threw the flower in to a panic. It had no idea what to do in response. It considered defending its place to the death, a flawed plan when even the slightest movement takes a week; a restriction that ruled out the second idea of ducking. It settled on trying to look so pretty nobody would wish to harm it, but not pretty enough to be picked and placed in a vase. Of the five creatures that strolled past only one even acknowledged its existence. That creature was named Brick and he was returning to his ship.

"The eager daffodil. When will it learn that the patient man always wins?"

"Not if he waits too long. Then nothing gets done." Dandara fancied a verbal knockabout after the walk.

"Patience is a severely misunderstood skill. It's not all about the waiting. It's about knowing when to be patient and when to act. It takes expert timing."

"It's being lazy." Dandara thumped her opinion down.

"See the prejudice we patient men face? If we weren't so patient we'd react en masse, then where would the world be?"

"All the better for a few more productive members of society......" The pair continued to bicker as Spiritwind sensed Bettina closing in for a chat. Fearing the awkwardness he'd inevitably create he hid in conversation with Jam.

"Good plan Jam."

"Plan?" It was clear Jam had no idea what the bald man was talking about. "Back there in the inescapable building we got out of."

"Building?"

"Well it was appreciated. Not sure any of us would have thought of that."

"Have we met?" Spiritwind gave up and focused back on Brick and Dandara. They hadn't moved beyond bickering.

"Next you'll be telling me it's just a coincidence you landed on the same hill as us. You can admit you read about us and have been following us. I'll even sign your foot if you so desire." Brick spoke to the air around him as Dandara crossed her arms and replied.

"You're right. Where we landed has nothing to do with coincidence."

"Aha. I can't believe I was right, and you're admitting it. This hero code is joy untold." Dandara walked away and towards her ship while explaining.

"It's no coincidence because all hero ships are programmed to search out the same type of landing spot. This is clearly the most suitable hero landing spot on the planet. Speaking of computers we'd better check what ours has been up to." She motioned to Bettina to join her. "Probably thrown a teenage party and trashed all our ornaments."

"We don't have any ornaments." Bettina pointed out the flaw as she followed. She turned to wave to Spiritwind. He waved back clueless.

"That's because if we did have any ornaments the computer would throw a party and break them all." It was an unarguable point.

As the ladies disappeared up their invisible ramp and into their invisibility cloaked craft, Brick and Spiritwind stood aside each other. Brick proclaimed his observation.

"That woman loves me so much it hurts her to say."

"I think if you try to claim she loves you to her face she'll hurt you so badly you won't be able to say anything ever again." Spiritwind offered a cheeky riposte before jogging after Bettina. Calling her name she came back down the ramp.

"What is it Spiritwind?" She feared her flirting bluff was about to be called. She hadn't expected it to happen so soon, and as much as she was prepared for a cheeky snog she feared this may be a full on declaration of love.

"We seem to be getting along quite well...." Bettina anticipated a date request at the very least. "....and I was just thinking, if you wanted, I mean I'll understand if you say no...."

"Spiritwind, just ask." The cuteness of such nervousness was unbearable.

"As you and Dandara have no information on where you're going next, I wondered if you'd like to join us on our next planet? It's always good to have some company, and we seem to be doing well as a team. All of us that is. Not just you and me or anything. I'll stop talking now." Every pore in Spiritwind's body let out a bead of sweat, and a sigh.

"The next planet? Of course." A sense of both relief and disappointment flashed through Bettina's mind. Perhaps she was beginning to like Spiritwind a little. "I'll have a word with Dandara, but I don't really see an alternative. Not that you're our last resort, far from it." Bettina wondered why she was feeling flustered. "Let me know where you're heading next and I'll sort the rest out." She turned and headed back up the ramp, her hero suit feeling slightly tighter through confusion at her own emotions. Spiritwind called after her.

"I'll go and get directions off Jam." Spiritwind walked away, flustered but elated. Passing Brick he noticed his friend's eye had grown red. Brick was rubbing it in an effort at a cure. "You'll only make it worse rubbing it."

"I'm trying to generate tears to swill whatever's in there out."

"Why don't you just think of something sad?"

Brick stopped rubbing and looked at his friend, blinking continually. "I am a man and a hero of the universe. Emotion alone could never reduce my granite heart to tears."

"You could think about the saddest thing in the world while punching yourself in the face. Combine emotion and pain." Spiritwind was nothing if persistent.

"Or I could just rub my eye." Brick resumed the finger in the eye motion.

"If you want the girl's way out."

"Aha you see. It's gone." Brick looked up with one eye wide open, the other's blink frequency slowly reducing. "Or not." The blinking doubled in pace as his hand shot back to the socket.

"Honestly, sadness and punching. I'll do the hitting if you want?" Spiritwind readied his hand.

"If I could see you I'd give you the dirtiest look."

"How about you get on one knee and look up to the sky. I'll flick it straight off your eyeball?" Jam stumbled over to the pair as Spiritwind steadied his balance in preparation to flick.

"Eyelash in your eye? Always getting beard hairs stuck in mine."

"How?" Brick peered through one eye to query his captain.

"I don't know. Ask the beard." Jam swigged at his flask.

"I was asking the beard." Brick maintained his ability for sarcasm.

"Where are we heading next Jam? The ladies said if I give them the co-ordinates they'll come with us." Spiritwind remembered what he was meant to be doing.

"They're coming with us?" Brick decided to hold his hand over the problem eye and to let it blink until it got bored. "You see. You can't fight destiny. Dandara Wall will bear my child, and it will be lovely."

"I believe you have some directions for me?" Dandara crept up behind them. She didn't acknowledge Brick's comment, choosing to wring every ounce of embarrassment from it rather than respond.

"Dandara, what a surprise. Didn't see you coming there, what with only one half of my peripheral vision working." The tightening of her eyes confirmed to Brick she'd heard everything. He put it on his list of things to get over.

"I've a copy somewhere." Jam reached into his back pocket and pulled out a handful of paper and two squashed straws. "It's on one of these. Not that one though, what even is that? When did I go there?....."

"You wrote them down?" Dandara scoffed at the nostalgic approach.

"As much as I trust my Little Tub of Fun with my life and drinks cabinets she is only a power cut away from losing everything. I like to back up my files." Jam continued sifting. "Shopping list, note to the wife, I've got a wife? Here it is: Earth franchise planet number two, early twenty first century, co-ordinates...Here you go." Jam handed over the paper, with a straw. Dandara thanked him for both.

"I guess we'll see you there." Dandara turned in a manner suggesting she would be setting off straight away. It was a novel approach for Brick and Spiritwind. They'd been planning a few hours faffing around first. Inspired by her method the trio clambered back on board The Fun Tub. Spiritwind had a thought as they did.

"If we're heading to the early twenty first century on an Earth franchise planet, is there a chance they'll be another version of us?"

"Anything's possible." Jam had never meant a sentence more.

"Imagine a world with two of me. It would be like heaven only better." Brick followed up his thought by tripping and falling up the spiral staircase in Jam's foyer.

"Let's hope heaven has an A & E department." Spiritwind stepped over his friend as Bobby welcomed them back. Success comes in many forms, but rarely does it lie in a heap with a weepy eye.

Contents
Chapter Twenty Seven

Dollop pricked his finger for the umpteenth time. The pain was insignificant, the irritation unbound. Embroidery was proving more difficult than he'd expected. Perhaps Damsel College did have a purpose after all.

The henchman sat with Hugo in the delightful garden the hero was unknowingly imprisoned in. It was Dollop's third guard shift with the hypnotised bulk of good. Hugo had spent the whole time posturing and relaying stories of his past endeavours. Dollop had stopped listening after the first hour of the first shift. It seemed nodding along was enough to appease the beaming ego. Fortunately the beast had found an embroidery kit in the pocket of his dress. The mysterious art had kept him occupied ever since. He currently worked his way through a quilt depicting chapters of his life. Somehow he'd sewn different ends together and ended up with something cube-like upon his lap.

The needle and thread had saved more than Dollop's sanity. The henchman had spent the whole first hour staring at Hugo, imagining nothing more than ripping his throat from his body and hiding it under a bushel, then watching the hero scramble around the lawn in a desperate search, his life slowly ebbing away. In the internal fantasy the henchman would then reveal the true identity that lay beneath the fresh faced maiden, reminding Hugo of the scar he had suffered in their last battle. It would be the final thing Hugo Cortizone would ever see. Fortunately the introduction of arts and crafts had quelled those feelings. The occasional intentional stab of the finger released a small amount of the henchman's desire for violence; however nothing could be done to shut Hugo up. Dollop distracted himself by recalling all his previous bosses. He struggled to remember the shape of his fourth bosses head while Hugo continued.

"....and with that one punch they were all lay out before me. That too felt like a good day to be a hero, as did them all. I shall cherish those memories almost as much as I'm beginning to cherish you." Hugo stared straight at Fayre Maiden. Dollop nodded and smiled as he did every time there was a silence. He was still trying to remember if his fourth boss wore a helmet. Maybe that would offer a clue to the shape of his noggin.

"You're a good listener too, attentive yet thoughtful. It's a quality I'd like my wife to have." Hugo wasn't a subtle man and his sentiments had begun creeping in to his words more and more. Dollop felt uneasy about it, when he noticed, but had buried his concerns in the quilt. One patch depicted a damsel throwing up into a bucket while a grinning lump of man leered behind her. It was the only answer. He feared Sid too much to complain. Hugo continued. "Of course now I'm officially retired." Hugo held back the tears the sentence naturally induced. "I can take a woman to be my own without fear of reprisals, or our love being used to hurt me and ultimately the quest for good." The light reflecting off his smile caused Fayre to blink and look up. "Imagine the children we could make. Our genes would build perfection. What with my strength, looks, intelligence, wit, morality, honour, and perhaps my greatest attribute, modesty; combined with your beauty and........sewing ability."

"Sorry?" Dollop realised he'd clearly missed an important part of the conversation.

"You don't have to apologise for your short list of qualities. I love you all the more for your simplicity. What's important is you agree: Our destinies are entwined like two locks of hair in the vastness of space, wound together in order to survive the nothing, unable to be separated even if my own enormous strength attempted to pull us apart."

"What's going on?" Dollop tried to piece together what he'd missed. Hugo had gone beyond listening and continued declaring.

"I'd be proud to pass on my perfect jaw to our son if he wished to carry on the family trade of justice. For surely one day evil will show its head once more. No doubt our daughter would inherit your delicacy and charm and go on to be the Queen of damsels." Hugo hugged Dollop nearly knocking his maiden hat off. Whatever he'd missed he wished he hadn't. Dollop sat shell shocked as Hugo released his grip and stood at his full, proud height, parading around with a thoughtful air.

"I often think this jaw is the only reason I ever became a hero. People take strength from its perfection. It appears expectancy is embedded within it, an expectancy that makes people feel at ease and reassured that things will be fine from here on in. And they are usually proved right. I never wanted to be a hero though. I wanted a simple life. Always liked the idea of being a space mechanic, but whenever trouble appeared the village always looked at me and my jaw and expected us to send it on its way. With an ever growing fan base I didn't wish to cause disappointment, and so I obliged. When my planet was destroyed, along with one of the fastest growing fan clubs the universe has ever seen, I vowed to build a new club, one that stretched across the entire universe. Nobody should be denied the chance to wear my face in badge form upon their lapel." Hugo stood on the sun-lounger and stared yonder.

"Children? Does he mean?" Dollop started to piece together the puzzle.

"I wake each day and thank the dealer of genetics that my hand was the best, as must you Fayre Maiden?" Hugo jumped dramatically down to Dollop's eye level.

"I do, every day." Dollop did genuinely feel thankful that his genes had offered him a profession, but if he was honest his heart had never been in the pain he had to cause. He'd always dreamt of being an intergalactic fireman but every time he went to the station to apply they evacuated the building and called the local hero to get rid of him. He'd never really considered how life could have been had his face fit in to society's jigsaw of acceptability.

Physically Dollop felt confident he could match Hugo in any contest. Had he been prettier it could have been his face splashed across the entirety of all that is. The adoration instead of contempt could have been focused on him. A wave of sadness washed over the henchman as a realisation struck: The constant turmoil he'd felt, never being able to resolve the question of who he was. His actions belied the personality that lay beneath the heavily scarred monster the world saw. He'd allowed the expectancy of others to form his own image of his self. Well no more. He vowed this would be his last mission.

"Are those tears of joy welling up inside?" Hugo had been watching Dollop come to his realisation. As with most emotions Hugo misread their genesis entirely. Cuddling Fayre he continued talking. "Can you see the family portrait too? Imagine the children growing as we enter age so gracefully, together."

Dollop stared back at Hugo confused and uncomfortable beyond words, but instead of the usual hatred he felt he saw the man behind the persona, the same sad, lonely, insecure man he saw every time he looked at himself in the mirror. Were they so different?

A sense of affinity drowned the pair as they looked wistfully towards one another, only Hugo's was fuelled by lust. Finally the hero knew what all those love songs had meant: What he felt could only be described by the pain he would feel were it to be lost. Dollop's expression came from the fresh perspective he had on himself and everything he'd been fighting all these years. It had never been about good versus evil, he'd only ever been fighting himself. Believing they were thinking the same thing Hugo stood to tell the world, starting with the garden.

"I believe Hugo Cortizone has found the new purpose his life needed. Without evil to defeat he had crumbled, and he's man enough to admit that fact. It has been a dark time for our hero of heroes. He had never realised the extent to which Hugo the man had become at one with Hugo the hero. Without the hero who was the man? Despite the days spent in thought he had no answer, until the light of realisation shone down upon him and pointed to a new purpose, a new reason to be, a source of energy, my everything......" Dollop began to grow nervous. He knew Hugo fancied Fayre Maiden but this was some serious emotion being thrown around. ".......Fayre Maiden, you are my all." Hugo slid on his knees towards the maiden, grinning as every fear Dollop had been processing came true. He checked behind in the vein hope of another Fayre Maiden being there. There was only foliage.

"Well I have to leave for a moment or two. Gather my thoughts." A large penny dropped straight on to Dollop's head, leaving an imprint to go with his many scars.

"True love is a meal best eaten slowly, I understand that. We have an infinite number of courses to get through, and we'll do so together. I await your return with a tenderness in my heart that is yours to cherish at your own pace." Hugo flexed his teeth in a final attempt at an alluring grin. It merely exposed a piece of strawberry pie he'd been eating earlier.

Dollop turned and walked as quickly as possible, the long, flowing gown trailing behind. He'd been practising walking in a non flirty manner but the panic and attire made it impossible. "I must go and do many female, emotional things now." He called out as he scuttled to the door. He had to speak to Sid urgently. Surely becoming somebody's wife wasn't covered in his contract.

Contents
Chapter Twenty Eight

"What if we melt?" Brick reached out to stop Spiritwind's hand knocking on the door. The door in question belonged to the Brick and Spiritwind on the second Earth on The Tub of Fun's list of planets. It looked exactly like the duo's front portal back home.

"What if who melts?" Spiritwind turned to face Brick. Dandara folded her arms and looked at Bettina. Bettina was looking forward to having two funny, little Earth men to flirt with. Jam had decided to stay on The Tub of Fun with Bobby and The Magwanvu. His frail mind didn't think it could handle two Brick and Spiritwind's in one place. His experiences with The Magwanvu had proved multiple versions of people weren't his strength.

"Them, us, the whole universe." Brick's flourish of the arm suggested everything may melt.

"Good point. Why don't we go and get a few masks to conceal our identity? Don't want to melt the whole universe while trying to save it." Spiritwind garnished the thought with a solution.

"Would that work? Is it the actual act of coming in to contact with yourself that causes implosion or the realisation?"

"Surely it must be the realisation." Spiritwind retrieved a toasty. The debate was heading towards deeper territory and required the correct level of snack to accompany it. "The universe must understand that sometimes two souls have to inhabit the same space and time, if not for very important missions then at least for something fun to do at the weekend. To punish such an act by wiping itself out is surely foolhardy."

"I agree the universe is a fair and honourable beast, but it often carries a sting in the tail. Why else would it lure us to the beauty of the oceans only to spike us with the urchins that lie beneath its' sand." Brick looked upwards. He noticed the same hole in their porch canopy that he'd been meaning to fix back home.

Dandara had heard enough. She leaned forward and knocked on the door.

"What have you done?" Brick panicked and looked for somewhere to hide. Spiritwind battled a string of cheese that hung delicately between his mouth and his snack.

Dandara used her sternest tone to explain: "Firstly, people cross time and dimensions to meet them self on a constant basis. Some cultures believe you're not a true man until you've drank your first pint with your older self acting as the legal guardian. The universe melting was exposed long ago as a myth circulated by philosophers who were tired of all their greatest quandaries being answered by people going out and actually doing them rather than pondering. It's extremely hard to argue the universe will implode if you meet yourself, when the person you're arguing with is yourself from ten years hence. Secondly, and this is so relevant it should perhaps have been my first point, you're not meeting yourselves. The two people in here simply share your genetic make-up and every life experience you've ever had due to the Earth program you're both a part of."

"So they've saved the Earth too?" Spiritwind had finished his food and sought clarification.

"Maybe not that bit. That was unique, but everything up to that point. Why are they not answering the door?" Dandara knocked again.

"They'll be waiting for each other to get it." Three knocks later Brick's (Not Brick's) shadow could be seen through the half tortoise shelf glass approaching the door. He opened up only to survey what faced him in silence. After a few seconds Not Brick closed the door and turned to the hallway. His response could be clearly heard.

"Me and you are stood at the door with two ladies."

"Are they hot?" Not Spiritwind referred to the ladies as he continued making breakfast. He didn't have time for Not Brick's hung-over nonsense and hoped pandering to it would make it go quicker.

"My first instincts were yes. Hold on." Not Brick opened the door again, paying particular attention to Dandara and Bettina. He closed it and continued the conversation. "I can confirm my initial opinion, although one of them looks angry."

"You've probably annoyed her." Not Spiritwind remained in the kitchen. The four visitors remained on the step, listening to every word.

"Why have I annoyed her?"

"I think you need to ask yourself that."

"Good point." Not Brick opened the door and turned to Brick. "Why have I, you, annoyed this woman?"

"I think she's annoyed at us both." Brick wiggled his finger between himself and Spiritwind. "Although I couldn't tell you why, women seem to be annoyed most of the time. Personally I presume it's their natural state and just get on with my life."

"I don't know where they get the energy. It's very tiring being upset." Not Brick fell in to conversation without effort.

"Thing is, being tired just makes you more upset which tires you out further and increases the level of upset again, so by staying angry you're just walking in a perpetual circle." Spiritwind created a three way chat.

"So maybe this lady is simply tired. Are you tired?" Not Brick approached Dandara.

"I'm tired of something."

"Is it being upset? Because I've recently learnt that being upset is very tiring."

"You were right." Not Spiritwind appeared from behind Not Brick. Bettina threw him an instant wink. He presumed she was trying to avoid the glare of the sun. "It is me and you with two ladies. She does look upset. Have you found out what's wrong?"

"I only asked if she was tired."

"Not because she's worn out from running through your mind all day." Not Spiritwind offered a handful of sausages around. Only Spiritwind accepted, taking two.

"I hadn't thought of that." Not Brick turned to Dandara. "Are you tired becau...."

"Inside." She'd heard enough and took matters in to her own hands. Nobody present had the patience or will to argue down an angry woman, and so obeyed.

On the way to the living room the two Brick and Spiritwind's made acquaintance with a few nods and mumbles they both understood perfectly. Shepherded into the room the two Bricks headed for an armchair each, Spiritwind sat on the sofa, Bettina followed. Dandara remained standing while Not Spiritwind made an announcement.

"I've got a stack of breakfast butties on the go. Can I interest anyone?"

"I'd love a couple of those." Only Spiritwind replied.

"I won't be long." He turned and headed back to the kitchen.

"Is no-one going to mention the obvious?" Dandara remained frustrated.

Brick looked at Not Brick. They both looked at Spiritwind. He returned the gaze. The bald visitor sensed Bettina staring at him wistfully and didn't wish to confuse things by turning round.

"Have you had your hair done? If so it looks super." Not Brick attempted his standard female appeasement patter.

"It's the shoes. It's always something to do with shoes." Brick joined in.

"I'm talking abo....you think my hair's nice?" Dandara reacted to the compliment. "I had it done especially for this mission."

"It's good. It suits your.......face." Not Brick, didn't have a clue. "And shoes."

"Anyway, back to my original point." Dandara glanced down at her shoes. "Why is nobody asking why you all look the same?"

"Tuck in." Not Spiritwind returned with a table sized tray of bread, cooked meats, eggs, and every other ingredient required for a full English breakfast butty.

"Maybe a sausage butty would help grease the mind." Brick approached the tray. Not Brick followed the lead.

"Come on ladies. Don't claim to be watching your figures because you have nothing to worry about." Not Brick continued his charm offensive.

"I'm not sure that counts as food." Dandara reeled back from the puddles of fat.

The room settled, snacks in hand. Not Spiritwind sat next to Bettina to book end the female hero with bald men. She shuffled nearer to Spiritwind, smiling as she felt his nervousness grow. Dandara allowed the first round of food to be eaten before approaching the topic of everyone's similarity again. She attempted a more subtle route.

"Why don't we introduce ourselves? My name is Dandara Foxley." She motioned towards Bettina, who wasn't paying attention. A swift nudge with her foot got the message across.

"Steady. I'm Bettina Slade." Unable to decide which Spiritwind to wind up next she turned to both. They took it as a sign to introduce them self, and did so in tandem.

"I'm Spiritwind Capernicus Jones." A piece of bacon fell from each of their mouths. They leant forward to speak to each other. "What are the odds of that?" Why Spiritwind was surprised is anyone's guess.

"Are you Brick Wall by any chance?" Not Brick sensed what was coming.

"Indeed I am. Good to be introduced. Nice hair by the way."

"From a man with such a fine mop as you, I take that as the highest praise."

"Why can't you be more like him?" Brick aimed a rebuke at Spiritwind.

"What he said." Not Brick aimed the same at Not Spiritwind.

"Because my eyes work."

"And my sense of taste." It didn't matter which spoke first.

"The taste of a non-tongued beast."

"On a drip since life began." The two Bricks high-fived their ingenuity. Not Brick ruined it with further explanation. "Because if it had never tasted anything that would probably affect its ability to taste. That's why it was such a cutting insult."

"Is this really the kind of mission we've chosen to be a part of?" Dandara peered exasperatedly at Bettina.

"I think it's cute."

"Does nobody have a problem or even a question about why you look the same and have the same names?"

"I think it helps. Less names to remember." Brick wiped tomato sauce from his chin as he spoke.

Dandara tired of trying to let the explanation flow naturally and just aired it. "These two are from another Earth. The worlds you both live on are a franchised version of the original Earth which died out many aeons ago. I have neither the time nor inclination to explain all that right now. These two somehow managed to save their planet when it was invaded."

"Well done." Not Brick offered congratulations. Not Spiritwind nodded through a tough piece of bacon rind.

"I think you'll find I was talking." Dandara made it clear no further interruptions should occur. "Now they are involved in a mission to save the universe which requires them to visit a number of other Earth's looking for clues, hence we are here." Nobody spoke for a few moments. They wanted to be sure she'd finished.

Brick slowly rose his hand. "Are you allowed to tell them all that information?"

"Now you want to follow the rules."

"I just don't want the universe to melt, or for me to get sued. I'm skint as it is."

"Could that happen, the melting part?" Not Brick showed concern.

"No it could not." Dandara felt a little more relieved at having got the identity issue off her chest. "And to be fair who are they going to tell that would believe them?"

"She does have a point." Not Brick agreed with her appraisal.

"I'd believe you. You've got a trustworthy face." Brick reassured his doppelganger.

"Maybe we can help your mission. Why don't you tell us what's going on." Not Spiritwind wanted something to do now his plate was empty.

"If you really want to know I shall elaborate." Spiritwind leaned forward.

"Hold on. I'll just go and get some storytelling food."

Not Spiritwind disappeared to the kitchen as intrigue reared its head. With everything still wide open it wondered what would happen next.

Contents
Chapter Twenty Nine

"So you're saying you need to find out who is spreading apathy, where from, and how, but you have no real leads except the Earth's are somehow involved, and they could be hiding anywhere in the known or unknown universe?" Not Spiritwind summed up the last ten minutes of conversation, although five of those were spent talking about big guns that don't exist.

"When you sum it up out loud it sounds like quite the task." Brick spoke from behind the sight of his imaginary, galaxy destroying, sniper rifle.

"Of course it's difficult. The greatest minds in the universe have been trying to work it out and have come to no answer. They have sent every available hero in the known realms on a mission to find the truth." Dandara's frustration had only grown.

"The greatest minds in the universe always think too hard about these things, that's their problem. That's why all the great solutions of science and life come from temps sat in offices or casual warehouse staff. You have to ponder openly and let the answer come find you." Brick rebutted the technique.

"You mean sit back and do nothing." Dandara had found her next fight.

"If you can ponder sat down then I see no problem."

"I get it now." Not Brick entered the fray. He had a realisation to share. "You're the love interest." Not Brick wafted a finger between Brick and Dandara.

"I'm the what?" Dandara wasn't instantly keen.

"You're the warring couple that act like you can't stand the sight of each other but secretly are madly in love, only you won't admit it to yourselves. You'll see. At some point your lives will be in danger and an act of heroism will be performed by one to save the other. As you roll to safety your faces will be almost touching, but rather than stand and walk away your eyes will meet. As the orchestral enhancement seeps in you'll either kiss or be interrupted at the last moment. Either way your feelings will change and the truth will be allowed to flourish. Of course if there's a sequel there'll be some reason why you didn't stay together, even though your love seemed perfect."

"I'm the what?" Dandara still wanted an answer.

"I've made no secret of my desire by the way. I may have expressed it wrong but it isn't a secret." Brick wanted to clear up any misunderstandings that could be denying him a kiss.

"You're the love interest." Not Brick gave Dandara the answer she requested. "You give the adventure a further angle. Will they, won't they? Why won't the two troubled souls just help each other be happy? I almost envy myself for being in such a predicament." The room wondered who had opened a box of tension.

"I am more than an interesting plot device. I am a fully qualified, professional hero in my own right with vastly more experience than these two and more skills than can be listed. If anything these two are the comic relief in our tale of sexual equality within the male dominated, hero world."

"You think we're funny?" Brick continued to demonstrate his ability to see the good in any statement. For the moment Dandara ignored him and continued with her point.

"Just because we stand on opposite sides of the gender divide it does not mean we cannot work together without falling in love."

"I'd settle for lust." Nobody knew why Brick carried on speaking, least of all himself.

"Me too." Bettina saw a chance to un-nerve both Spiritwind's. They each dropped a cocktail sausage in response.

"Why does a strong female character such as I, have to justify her position within a story by being attached to a man? Why can't I stand alone without the need for emotional or physical support from a male being? Why isn't Jam Shandy a romantic plot device? He's pretty useless otherwise."

"Who's Jam Shandy?" Not Brick knew nothing of Jam.

"He's our comic relief." Spiritwind spoke to deflect Bettina's gaze.

"Sounds like a fun guy."

"He is. You'll have to meet him."

"You're straying off topic again. Where was I...." Dandara lost her train of thought.

"I don't mind being seen as the love interest, if it's with the right man." Bettina negated everything Dandara had just said, and caused Spiritwind to move the conversation along.

"Apathy then, that's a bugger to track down isn't it?"

"If you know the planets are being bombarded with apathy is it not possible to trace it back to its source?" Not Spiritwind joined in the conversation in an effort to stop his mind thinking he may have a chance with the sexy, lycra clad woman on his sofa. Dandara expressed her annoyance through a patronising tone.

"Since we notified the Hero's Council about Jam's discovery, that apathy is being rained down on the planets, Reason linked it to a curious crash about a bingle (three months) ago. Chip Chefton was on his way to the cinema when he crashed into a mirror floating in space. The insurance company investigated it and found it connected to a series of pulleys allowing it to move in any direction. Somehow this invalidated his claim, but fortunately for us it tipped Reason's mind to how apathy is being spread. Unfortunately it makes it impossible to trace. Apathy is being guided by these mirrors whose path is constantly being changed. This was all in the updates you should be receiving varly (hourly), from the Council."

"Jam said he was collating them all in to a handy pamphlet. He's just working on the design for the front cover." Spiritwind spoke with an eagerness to see the said design.

"Why not destroy all the mirrors?" Not Brick took the destructive route.

"Have you ever tried to spot a mirror in space?" Not Brick was unsure if he was meant to answer Dandara or beg forgiveness for such stupidity. Not Spiritwind spotted the confusion and filled the void with a suggestion of his own.

"Surely the planet with the highest level of apathy would be the base?"

"You really didn't listen to anything we told you did you?" Dandara still had annoyance to vent as mockery and anger.

"I've been in the kitchen most of the time. I've heard very little."

Dandara skirted her error and continued with her indignant tone. "The planet with the highest level of apathy is merely the one with the highest population."

"Then perhaps rather than looking at its level of apathy we should measure its density. Surely wherever it's at its most dense will be where it is being produced." Dandara wanted desperately to poo-poo Not Brick's idea. It took a few moments thought but eventually she spotted a problem.

"How do you suggest measuring apathy's density?" Her tone shifted towards intrigue as Brick picked up the thread.

"If a planet is saturated with apathy then surely it wouldn't evolve at the rate it's expected to. It would end up decades or even centuries behind itself."

"And if Earth franchises run to a predetermined program we know exactly where the planet should be in terms of its evolution." Not Spiritwind couldn't help himself.

"So all we have to do is measure all the Earth's supposed points of evolution against their actual, and investigate the ones with the biggest difference?" Spiritwind tied the ribbon neatly on to the idea and passed it over to Dandara with a smile. She agonised over it, searching for a reason to label it stupid, but the more she thought the greater its level of genius grew. By the time she fully supported it the foursome had moved on to discussing the versatility of eggs and potatoes and whether or not you could exist on a diet of only them.

"That may just work you know." Dandara broke her silence.

"There's no way wrapping an egg in potato skin and deep frying it would taste nice." Not Brick believed Dandara was defending Spiritwind's latest creation.

"Who mentioned eggs? On second thoughts I don't actually want an answer. I meant tracking down the evil bad guy through measuring evolution. As much as it pains me to give you any hero based credit, it may just work."

"Thanks. I think." The four spoke as one then swapped looks of confusion at how to take the words. After realising most of them shared a face anyway they stuck to their own displays of wonder.

"Well if we have a breakthrough I'll go and get the celebration cake." Not Spiritwind began his well worn path to the kitchen.

"You have celebration cake?" Bettina was surprised at his preparedness.

"I have cake, and whenever you have cake it's a reason to celebrate." He disappeared behind the door.

"How hard is it to measure a planets evolutionary point, both actual and intended?" Spiritwind sensed a warmer Dandara for once.

"Not that hard. We can measure the stage of the Earth program by looking at the continents. The mountain ranges spell out the age of the planet. You just have to know how to read them. Any normal ship's computer can do it practically instantly."

"Ta daaa." Not Spiritwind returned with three gateaux's and a plate for everyone. Each Spiritwind took a gateaux for them self. Everyone else shared the other. Dandara took a big bite before continuing.

"We can use evolution sonar to measure where the planet is actually up to."

"Of course: Evolution sonar." Brick spilt a large piece of cake down his top. "What's that then?"

"If you'd let me continue I was about to explain."

"You paused." Rubbing the stain only made it worse.

"I have a huge slice of cake to manipulate down my throat." Dandara offered justification for her verbal gap.

"Well maybe you'll learn to eat in delicate chunks rather than beastly bites."

Not Brick began playing music through his pursed lips. Everyone stopped to look at him. "Sorry. I was just adding the background music to your growing love. This is how I imagine the build up to your kiss will be. Growing tension, bit of a row."

"There will be no kiss." Dandara remained certain.

"What kind of love story doesn't end with a kiss?" Not Brick copied Brick's cake spilling manoeuvre.

"The kind that isn't a love story and just a plain adventure."

"Well if this isn't a love story why do you two insist on ramming your obvious love down our throats?" Not Brick also found rubbing only made the stain worse.

"If I punched you would that help make this more of an action tale?" Dandara readied her fist.

"Feisty too, I see why you like her."

"So how does this sonar work?" Spiritwind genuinely wanted to know.

"There is a slap coming your way." Dandara stopped mid-stride towards Not Brick and sat back down. "The evolution sonar comes as standard with any ship. By firing it at a planet it assesses the dominant life form and displays it in handy holographic form. You don't want to land somewhere where the dominant species are forty foot jaws on legs as fast as a cheetah's, not without knowing anyway. We can easily program the computer to cross reference periods of Earth with their dominant images and fashions."

"And it could do that for all the Earth's?" Spiritwind was really enjoying his cake.

"Ours could do it within minutes, but it probably still isn't speaking to us. We may have to use Jam's. In fact we could go and do it now." Dandara gestured towards Bettina. It suggested she was the other that made up the 'we'.

"What should we do?" Spiritwind hid behind his cake, hoping they wouldn't be asked to come along.

"I'm sure you can find some way to amuse yourselves." Dandara was ready to leave, remaining cake in hand. She waited for Bettina to straighten her suit.

"Did you invent Yoghurt Bucket after working in that yoghurt factory?" Brick saw a unique opportunity for a cross dimensional cup, even though nobody had crossed dimensions.

"We never worked in a yoghurt factory." Not Brick provided the answer.

"Of course, Fate never needed to place you there so you could save the Earth." Brick thought out loud.

"We did invent Gel Bucket after working in a hair product factory though." Not Spiritwind offered hope. "They kept giving us boxes of the stuff but between us we need little." Not Spiritwind patted his bald head, Not Brick pointed to his magical hair.

"We'll be off then. You guys have fun. We'll let ourselves out." Vague goodbye gestures trickled round the room. The focus of the room had already been split beyond repair. The side still concerned with the mission, left.

"We tried Mousse Bucket for a while but it just didn't have the range." Not Brick continued to elaborate.

"We now use that for fake beards and trying to work out how we'll look in forty years time." Not Spiritwind provided a back-story.

"Shall we presume the basic rules are to cover your opponent's bucket in as much of the chosen weapon as possible without using your eyes for guidance?" Brick moved things along.

"That just about covers it." Not Brick reached around the sofa for the buckets.

"Not if I duck." Brick tried to crack a joke. It proved quite resistant to his minimal comedy force.

"I'll get the extra buckets from the shed." Not Spiritwind stood excitedly.

"Are we fighting as teams representing our respective Earth's or every man for himself?" Spiritwind wished to clarify the rules.

"Every man for himself." Everybody concurred as the house cringed. It sensed an awful lot of mess was heading its way.

Contents
Chapter Thirty

"It's not funny." Two buckets poked out from beneath the fallen wardrobe. They were held in place by the aforementioned furniture. Each bucket contained a Brick. It was neither clear nor important which one had spoken.

"You're right. It's not funny. It's hilarious." Not Spiritwind continued to chuckle alongside Spiritwind. The pair sat on the bed that was in the spare room. A loud crashing sound had drawn the bald pair within.

It appeared both Brick's had decided to climb on the wardrobe, a tactic nobody could see any benefit in, especially after the last time the pair had independently tried it. The two Spiritwind's had arrived to offer assistance. Removing their helmets they'd been too busy laughing and pointing to yet do anything.

"The first time was funny but twice." Spiritwind continued to not help.

"I was counting on the element of surprise. I thought after a similar disaster last time you wouldn't think I'd be stupid enough to do it again." Brick grasped at logic.

"I obviously gave you too much credit. I didn't think anyone would want to fall off a wardrobe and land underneath it twice. Do you want this lifting then?" Spiritwind sighed the end of his chuckling before letting out a few further bursts.

"I'm not sure. Give me a moment to consult with my similarly hindered friend. What do you feel Brick? Should we accept the offer of help?" The echo and lack of vision beneath the buckets made it impossible to gauge who was saying what.

"I'm not sure. It is a tough question. I was just coming to terms with my new life beneath the wardrobe. I was thinking of setting up a little shop selling souvenirs and trinkets so any visitors to our world could take home a memento."

"That would certainly entice the tourists. Perhaps I could set up a theme park incorporating a hotel. We could be kings of our own Brickserverse....Do you feel something moving?"

The two Spiritwind's had grown tired of the elaborate sarcasm and lifted without request. A general kafuffle ensued as everyone stood to debate the outcome of Gel Bucket.

As the bickering trickled along Dandara and Bettina re-entered the house and followed the opposed tones. Completely ignored for a good few minutes, Dandara tired of waiting and applied a gentle knock to the door.

"Oh good Dandara's here." Dandara was surprised by Brick's welcome. "Maybe an impartial mind can sort this out....."

Dandara had no intention of getting involved in whatever the bickering was about. She avoided the topic completely and told the foursome what she'd discovered.

"We ran the program we discussed and found two Earth's that are way above and beyond any others in term of apathy density. What's more they are close by. In space terms they are on the literal doorstep of Velos 19. Complacency and arrogance has left them unchecked. The Hero's Guild most likely believes nobody would be so bold as to carry out such a plan so close by."

"So we were right?" Brick had only heard one thing.

"I think saying you're right is a little premature. We've discovered an anomaly worth investigating further." Dandara wouldn't verbally budge as Bettina popped her head around the door and smiled towards the two Spiritwind's. They blushed back.

"An anomaly we suggested you look for?" Brick persisted.

"The important thing is we should get going and continue our adventure. We have two new planets to explore." Dandara turned and left the room. The bucket warriors followed her down the stairs, Brick clamouring for appreciation as they went.

"Of course. The mission is the most important thing. It doesn't matter who came up with the brilliant method of tracking down the evil bad guy, even though it was us. We don't need the praise." The speech may have worked better had Brick's cheek not been smeared with gel.

"Glad to see you're getting the hang of being a true hero. Come on. We must prepare." Dandara bypassed Brick's sarcasm and accepted his offer of humility. Brick realised what had happened and mumbled his displeasure to Spiritwind.

"That's the last time I try that reverse psychology stuff."

"Is that what you were doing? I wondered why you'd suddenly become noble."

"I'll have you know I'm inherently noble."

"Would it be wrong of us to come and wave you off, wouldn't want to break any mission protocols or anything?" Not Spiritwind enquired from the back.

"As long as you don't hinder our preparations." Dandara gave her permission. As much as the pair irritated her she quite liked them.

"Preparations, I thought we just got on the ships and left?" Brick cut through the red tape as Not Spiritwind paused at the bottom of the stairs.

"I'll just grab a few snacks for the journey. Never know when you might find yourself stranded up a mountain with nothing but a pair of shoelaces to survive on. Anyone wish to help?" Spiritwind was practically in the kitchen before the sentence ended.

"Maybe I'll think up some amusing anecdotes for the trip." Brick wanted to offer something.

"I'm sure the food will suffice." Dandara gave a wry, inward smile to accompany her wit. She felt back in control after Brick's brief moment of power, although she'd be wise to remember control is a pendulum that can never be truly owned.

Contents
Chapter Thirty One

"Have we fallen into an elaborate trap?" Not Brick whispered to Not Spiritwind as the pair arrived atop Noel Hill to find it empty.

"I don't know. I'll find out." Not Spiritwind arched his path towards Spiritwind, much to the silent protestations of Not Brick. "Brick's wondering if we've been a little naive and walked into a trap."

"I see your Brick's just as paranoid as the version I live with."

"Indeed. He has that really useful type of paranoia that only works after it's too late to do anything about the thing you're being paranoid about."

"Some say it's the third most useful kind. I can assure you there is no trap. Although knowing Brick he'll claim I'd tell you that even if it was." Spiritwind drew on experience, and the line of red liquorice he had in his pocket.

"Thanks anyway." Not Spiritwind decelerated and angled his way back to Not Brick. He shared what he'd learnt. "No. We haven't fallen into a trap."

"Well he would say that wouldn't he, wouldn't blow his carefully prepared ambush."

"He wouldn't lie. Looks like a fine upstanding chap to me. Biscuit?" Not Spiritwind offered a calming slab of treat to accompany his words.

"Not unless there's a creamy bit in the middle. Why are you smirking anyway? And why is there a face floating in the air?" Not Brick looked up to see Bobby Dazzler peering from his craft. With the cloaking device on the ship remained unseen, as did the ladder the rest of Bobby proceeded to climb down. Upon reaching the ground Bobby greeted the returning crew; then aimed straight for the natives to the planet.

"It warms my pleasant soul to a temperature of delight to meet you both. You must be the Brick and Spiritwind that reside on this particular splendid example of nature?" The cheery man shook each confused hand.

"And you must be from somewhere that isn't Earth, but must house the universe's finest hat makers." Brick could only respond with curiosity at Mr Dazzler's oversized head and accompanying headpiece.

"Biscuit?" Not Spiritwind wished he'd brought his giant cookies. His meagre offerings would look like a flu tablet near such a mouth.

"How marvellous, you even have the same interesting quirks: endearingly offensive musings and a constant desire to eat."

The Magwanvu found its way to the floor and observed the gathering. It watched jealously as the two Brick and Spiritwind's moved entirely independently of each other. It didn't take long for Not Brick to notice the synchronized actions of the trio. He posed his observations towards the passing Brick.

"Is it just me or are they...."

"Oh yes. You should go and speak to them. They love nothing more than being asked all about it." Brick nodded the nod of untapped mischief and left his counterpart to it. The well haired hero didn't know where he was heading or why, but he thought appearing to have a direction in mind made him look more competent.

Dandara had headed back on board her own craft. Bettina strolled nonchalantly behind, looking for a more interesting social offer to appear. Not Spiritwind and Bobby fell effortlessly into conversation. The pair wandered directionless with a bag of chocolate covered fruits. Not Brick approached The Magwanvu.

"I hope you don't mind me asking but are you all moving as one?" Not Brick was direct yet polite.

"Yes we are. We are The Magwanvu: three separate entities sharing one collective expressive. But not one mind. Or personality. I think I covered that with my opening statement. Your opening statement? Can we not do this.....?" Not Brick hadn't even started trying to wind them up.

Meanwhile Jam had heard the growing noise outside and decided to investigate. Attempting to navigate the invisible ladder he failed and found himself head first in the grass. Brick's ambling path had led him to the accident. He checked his captain was okay, hoping somebody else would show up should mouth to mouth resuscitation be needed.

"You appear to have fallen, Jam."

"I was wondering where this floor came from. I distinctly remember pointing upwards only moments ago."

"Are you alright like that or do you want help getting up?"

"I believe help should always be the final option. I'm fairly sure I can sort this one out myself. Would you like a drink by the way? I may go and get one. I'm suddenly feeling incredibly painful."

"Only if you're making one." Brick spotted Not Spiritwind talking to Bobby. Mistakenly believing it to be his life-long friend he decided to go and rant at him about something irrelevant. Finally his walk had a purpose attached.

Jam kept him updated on the drinks order. "I shall have your beverage ready in a time. Just have to scrape this planet to scrape off my face first."

"There's no rush." Brick was nothing if not understanding.

While Brick pursued Not Spiritwind the actual Spiritwind strolled aimlessly at the brow of the hill. Bettina had found her 'more interesting social offer', and crept up behind him. "Could I have a biscuit?"

Spiritwind paused, about to place the last one in his mouth. "Of course you can." He hoped he hadn't dribbled on it.

"Thanks sweet-cheeks." Spiritwind knew sweet-cheeks was a friendly expression often used ironically between friends. It meant nothing.

"That's alright. I've another two packets in me socks."

"Ah, preparation; that's what I really, really like about you. You're always ready for anything." Bettina flicked Spiritwind's nose, sending the average sized man into a spiral of social confusion. Her next move did nothing to pull him out of it. "You've got hair gel on your t-shirt." Bettina leaned it to wipe it clean, close enough to kiss with the merest pursing of each other's lips.

Spiritwind's mind flew through everything he knew about women, quickly cross referencing his knowledge with the potential consequence of his next action. He could go for it and snog Bettina's face off, but then may find himself with a girlfriend and all the associated palaver that would bring. Spiritwind was not a man who could back out of relationships easily hence his reticence at beginning one. Alternatively he could be reading things entirely wrong. She could just be being friendly and showing genuine concern for the state of his clothing. If he went for the kiss he may offend her for the rest of the mission. Then not only would he miss out on a potential friendship with a hot lady but he would also be thought of as a sexual criminal when in fact all he was, was confused. On the other hand she may want him to kiss her, and his lack of reciprocation could cause even more offence. Women definitely didn't appreciate rejection, probably less than unwanted attention. Then not only would he not get the kiss he wanted but she wouldn't offer it ever again for fear of further denial. And on top of that she'd think he was nothing but a tease and be annoyed at him.

By the time Spiritwind had processed all these thoughts Brick had already intervened. Spiritwind emerged from his mind to find his friend berating him. Bettina had stepped back. Did she look disappointed? Had he blown it in all three ways? Spiritwind couldn't tell.

"I thought that other Spiritwind was you. I've just been having a go at him for eating in the shower. I'm sick of standing in crumbs for the few moments before I get jolted out of it." Brick had still not taken They's advice on dealing with the cold leg problem he endured. "To be fair he was very reasonable about the whole thing. Promised to think about what I'd said. The point is I've just negotiated a slightly cleaner shower for someone else to benefit from."

"How do you know that wasn't me and I just pretended to be the other me to shut you up?" Spiritwind shook off his female confusion and countered seamlessly. Bettina revelled in the bald man's confusion. She could thoughts clunking around his head without resolution. She smiled to herself and watched the debate unfold.

"So which one does that make you?" Brick believed he could work this out.

"Which one does that make me in reality or in line with his story?"

"Do those two scenarios have different answers?"

"I'm not entirely sure. Have you got a pen and paper? Maybe we can work it out." Spiritwind had genuinely confused himself and was more curious than Brick to find out who he was.

"I've definitely got paper in me back-pocket. Hold on." Brick rummaged as Bettina continued to be amused.

"STAY IN YOUR ROOM THEN!" Dandara stormed down the ramp from her ship, shouting back in its direction while heading towards the trio.

"I've told you not to confront it." Bettina gave her standard advice as Dandara came within earshot.

"I didn't confront it. I tried to give it the new co-ordinates and it told me not to order it around. I'm getting a hammer."

"Did you try to respect its position and understand its feelings on the matter?" Bettina already knew the answer, but it was always worth asking.

"No. I told it, it's a computer that I bought and can order around as I please. Its main purpose is to be given orders, not sulk. That's when it stormed off to its room."

"How does a computer have a room to storm off to?" Brick couldn't find a pen so had to entertain himself another way. Questioning Dandara became it.

"It's more of a conceptual room. When it's in its 'room' it won't accept any commands and only talks through one word shouts and feigned lack of hearing." Bettina spoke as Dandara fumed.

"Who even gave it a room?" Brick gave up completely on the pen.

"Apparently it came with the teenage personality setting that it refuses to turn off."

"Would you like me to take a look at it?" Brick knew nothing about computers, but he did know how to look and sound as though he knew about any topic you cared to give him.

"I didn't think you knew anything about computers?" Dandara called his bluff.

"I don't, but I do know about teenagers." Brick scanned the hill for Not Brick. He was standing in front of The Magwanvu, giggling as the triple person gesticulated at itself at a worrying pace. "Let's see how your teenager deals with a double dose of Brick Wall."

Brick strode towards his double. After several minutes giggling and pointing Brick remembered why he was there and ushered Not Brick past the watching group, and towards Dandara and Bettina's craft. "We'll be back in a minute." Brick doffed his imaginary cap and disappeared up the ramp. The Magwanvu was happy to continue bickering alone.

Less than five minutes later the duo reappeared, deep in conversation.

"........if nobody bought them they'd have to lower the price."

"It's nice to finally meet someone with common sense. Honestly, the looks I get for suggesting such things."

"So?" Dandara stopped the pair as they prepared to walk straight past.

"So......You've been thinking and you've finally realised I'm right about the love story angle we've got going on?" The facial expression the pair received in response suggested she should not be toyed with on this matter. "Go in and have a chat."

Dandara walked towards her ship, doubt spread across her face. Barely a minute passed before she returned with a hug for each Brick.

"This is nothing but a physical manifestation of joy. Don't read anything in to it." Both Brick's instantly presumed she loved them. Bettina and Spiritwind awaited an explanation. It duly came.

"It apologised. Apologised! It said from now on it will try to be as co-operative as it can and practically begged me to stay with it. What did you do?"

"We just talked." Brick played down his role in an effort to appear cool.

"Then the computer came out of its room and asked who we were." Not Brick followed suit.

"So we asked it who it was. What it does for a living, that kind of thing."

"You asked why a lot."

"Well I like to know why. It's crucial." The pair alternated at a frantic pace.

"It is crucial."

"At least we both agree on the important issues."

"Well you have to agree on the fundamentals, basis of good teamwork."

"Edited version?" Dandara had a mission to get on with even if everybody else had forgotten.

"Alright. Such a demanding audience. Where were we?"

"You asked why a lot."

"Well I like to know why."

"That's when the computer started getting frustrated." Not Brick moved the story along. He didn't want to push Dandara in to unleashing headlocks.

"Then it got annoyed at us."

"Then it got confused."

"Then it shouted at us."

"Then we told it that if it wanted to be the computer on our ship it would have to change its attitude."

"Then it wanted to know what we meant."

"So we told it we were negotiating with the current owners to buy it as our new home, said you said you couldn't cope with the attitude of the onboard computer anymore so wanted to sell." The smug grin appeared in stereo.

"We told it we'd never neglect it and would be there every waking hour to keep it company."

"Told it we were complete space novices and had lots of questions and things we wanted to see."

"Then you started with your whys again."

"May I refer to my previous statement about liking to know why."

"After a few minutes of inquisitiveness it asked to speak to you, in a somewhat weepy voice."

"Well......Thank you." Gratitude from Dandara to Brick didn't come easy. She threw in a further sentence to make herself feel better. "Although you do realise your smugness stems from being so annoying that a computer would rather change its ways than live with you?"

"You hugged us." Brick only had one memory and it didn't involve a barbed comment.

"Shall we go and program our new, helpful computer with the co-ordinates." Bettina ushered Dandara away from the two Bricks. It could only end in a Chinese burn.

The two Bricks remained in a smug trance while Spiritwind noticed his own doppelganger sharing a chat and a pie with Bobby. He meandered towards the section of hill they occupied.

Spiritwind's arrival was greeted with the offer of a seat and a slice of the savoury treat. Both were accepted. The trio gazed happily across the town, all content in the silence. Only when Spiritwind had finished his pie did he speak.

"That was a tasty pie. What was it?"

"It was goodbye pie. I thought we could all have a slice each." Not Spiritwind revealed nothing about its content.

"You do know there isn't enough to go round everyone?" Spiritwind applied basic maths to the intent.

"There was originally but nobody seemed that bothered. And I am a hungry man."

"Did you ask anyone?" Spiritwind's tone remained curious rather than an accusation.

"I asked Bobby."

"Did you have any Bobby?"

"Oh I did. It was truly a glorious experience. Filled a spot of delight I hadn't known was empty."

"Did you not want two?" Spiritwind spoke as he helped himself to his own second slice.

"Two would be too many. One was enough to accompany such a wonderful view."

"So can I have that one as well?" Spiritwind pointed to one of the two remaining pieces with the hand that didn't already contain pie.

"Of course, if there's only one left I may as well oblige." Not Spiritwind emptied the plate as contemplation drifted over the trio once more. It lasted until the final crumbs had been devoured.

"I suppose if the goodbye pie is finished we should say goodbye." Spiritwind verbalised the symbolism behind the end of the pastry based joy.

"That is the rule of the pie." Not Spiritwind had no legal room to argue.

"I'm not a man to argue with a pie."

"And why would you find difference with such an ingenious form of nourishment?"

"I wouldn't."

"Then I guess it's time to say goodbye." Not Spiritwind completed a poignant verbal circle.

"We'd better inform the others." Spiritwind began to stand.

Bettina and Dandara came no further than their ramp to offer a parting wish to Not Brick and Not Spiritwind. As far as they were concerned the duo were coming with them anyway. Bobby felt he'd more than fulfilled his goodbye duties and shook Not Brick's hand on his way back to The Tub. Reaching the top of the ladder he bumped in to Jam, who was returning with Brick's drink. Rather than risk the ladder again Jam downed it on the spot and waved goodbye, believing Brick and Spiritwind were staying behind. The Magwanvu had stopped speaking in an effort to avoid any more arguments. It tried to look away from itself and offered a raised hand in parting. It left only the two sets of Brick and Spiritwind beneath The Tub of Fun.

Spiritwind opened the conversation, aiming his words at Not Spiritwind. "Although I'm saying goodbye I feel no sadness in our parting, for I know I can look in the mirror at any time and see you staring back. Equally any pearls of wisdom you may offer are merely the things I would think of anyway. In summation we lose nothing by our separation, and I know you do not find my words harsh because they are exactly the things you are thinking." Spiritwind offered a hand to shake. It contained a pack of cookies.

"That pretty much covers it." Not Spiritwind mirrored the cookie offering. Realising they were swapping like for like, each Spiritwind simply kept their own. Spiritwind continued speaking.

"As for you Not Brick, I'm not saying goodbye because you will be coming with me...."

"Am I? Is this a surprise gift? A free ticket to space and adventures? A bag of memories waiting to be tore open...." Spiritwind remained straight faced, waiting for realisation to slap Not Brick into coherence. It didn't take longer than a cookie. "....A plate of.....you mean because Brick is with you don't you?" The pair shared a nod. Spiritwind boarded the craft.

"Can we just presume that's what I was going to say to you?" Not Spiritwind hijacked his simile's goodbye, shook Brick's hand, and wandered towards the lip of the hill.

The two Brick's faced each other. Eventually Brick spoke. "As you know I'm not big on goodbyes."

"The coincidences never stop."

"So should we share a manly handshake and a brief see you later?"

"I think that's best." Not Brick tried to turn down the volume on the orchestral soundtrack running through his mind. It begged to see him cry.

"It's been an honour to meet such a wise man." Brick began the platitudes.

"It's been an honour to see my hair from an outsider's perspective. It truly is a sight to behold." Not Brick focused on the physical benefits.

The pair shared a handshake, a nod, and turned to follow their respective destinies.

Brick and Spiritwind stood in the doorway of The Fun Tub, waving down to Not Brick and Not Spiritwind. Pulling the invisible door shut and tying the rope, both ships left the ground. Only one spluttered as it did so. Not Brick and Not Spiritwind remained in place until the disrupted air had returned to normality. The duo then turned and wandered back down Noel Hill.

"I think I was in there with that Dandara. Did you see that hug she gave me?" Not Brick opened the strolling home discussion.

"You mean the hug that she expressly stated was merely a physical manifestation of joy. The hug she told you not to read anything in to."

"All women say that. It's up to us men to read what they really mean."

"I think she really meant it was just a hug of joy." Not Spiritwind found a toasty from nowhere in particular.

"That is the attitude that keeps you single my friend."

"Sorry. I forgot about your hordes of female admirers."

"Oh they're there. They just prefer to remain subtle and in the background."

"You keep telling yourself that."

"I will."

"Do you want a cookie while you do?"

"Has it got a creamy bit in the middle?"

And so life continued to meander in vaguely structured circles of nonsense.

Contents
Chapter Thirty Two

Dollop looked down at the cup of coffee the machine in the break room had produced in exchange for typing in number thirty eight. It was supposed to be extra milky, extra sugar. He contemplated what it must be like to cry.

The meeting with Sid hadn't gone well. Apparently if marrying Hugo was the only way to keep the hero happy then Dollop had better consider going on a diet for the big day. The mildest protestation, in the form of a raised eyebrow, had seen Dollop spend the last seven hours without knee, hip or elbow joints. It had convinced him Sid had a valid point, and that folding your arms is a much underestimated treat.

The coffee trembled in the shaking hands of the henchman. Emotion threatening to spill into anger and destroy the cup it held. Sandbag walked in, oblivious to his co-worker's mood.

"Has that cup offended you? You look ready to battle it to the death." Sandbag passed Dollop on his way to the same drinks machine. He fancied a hot chocolate with frothy milk and sprinkles.

"The only thing that's offended me is me. When I think of all the time I've wasted being angry instead of finding happiness."

"You've been thinking again haven't you?" Sandbag gripped the filling cup. He held it too low and singed his fingers. A second attempt employed a hold nearer the rim. By the time his hand had settled the warm beverage was complete.

"That's the one benefit of having to guard Hugo: I get to think as much as I like and it's all paid time." Dollop sipped his own refreshment. It was still too hot, causing his lips to recoil in pain and curse the blistering sensation that settled in. It was another woe for the growing pile.

"Are you saying there's a benefit to spending time with Hugo?"

"Just the one."

"I thought a benefit was a good thing?"

"It is. Is that a problem too?" Anger emerged. It was aimed at the situation rather than his partner.

"No Dollop, not at all. I just didn't think you'd find being with Hugo good?"

"Neither did I." Calmness returned to Dollop's voice. "I've just come to a few conclusions about my life while I've been babysitting. Seeing the true Hugo has helped me reflect on myself. Maybe we'll make a good husband and wife after all."

Sandbag had just swallowed his mouthful of disappointing chocolate otherwise he'd have spat it across the room. Without the beverage for punctuation he made do with stepping backwards and opening his eyes as wide as his face allowed. "Why would you marry your mortal foe? I mean I'm all for that bloke loving bloke stuff if that's what you fancy, but Hugo Cortizone!"

"I haven't been given a choice. If I don't Sid said he'd fuse my skeleton into a tightly coiled ball and roll me down an infinite hill."

"Has he got an infinite hill?" Sandbag was easily distracted.

"He has two. One joined to the end of the other."

"I thought infinite meant...."

"I wasn't in much of a position to point out his contradictory nature of torture." Dollop tried the coffee again, his lips held even less resistance to the heat than before. Sandbag remained agape in the corner, sipping his drink hypnotically. Dollop sucked on his lip before continuing. "In a strange way I've grown quite close to Hugo." Sandbag had just swallowed another mouthful, missing out on another great spitting moment. He vowed to hold on to his sips for longer. "I'm not saying we'll ever be friends but we could have been allies on either side had our genetics and upbringing been as similar as our physical prowess."

Sandbag couldn't process what he was hearing and stabbed wildly in the darkness of understanding. "Does that mean you love him?"

"No I don't love him." The coffee found itself slammed on the table. The burst of aggression served its purpose. "If anything I pity him as much as I pity myself." Dollop snapped out of his dazed verbalising and turned to Sandbag. "Sid wants me to do anything it takes to keep Hugo happy, and it would appear Hugo has fallen head over heels in love with this maiden." Dollop tugged at the costume he'd tied around his waist.

"Well she is pretty. Not that I have anything but hatred for maidens. Locking 'em in towers is all they're good for. I mean if I was a prince I imagine I'd find her attractive. So you and Hugo are friends?" He quickly tried to avoid his underlying issues with being attracted to maidens. His family would disown him if they ever found out.

"Do you even listen?" The blank face was answer enough. "Not friends. I could never be friends with someone so self centred. I just think we share many of the same characteristics. Obviously his good looks and constant attention has driven his vanity beyond comparison, but at our cores I think we're the same." Sandbag didn't know what to say so listened instead.

"I only became a henchman because it was expected from someone of my looks and physical stature, but it was never what I wanted to be. By going along with everyone else's expectations for so long I've become what others saw, not what I am. Similarly Hugo was expected to be a hero and that's what he became. I realised, sitting in that room, staring at that stupid grin with fruit stuck in it, that it's time I quit this life and started the one I'm meant to lead. Not the one chosen for me by society and circumstance."

"Are you saying you don't want to be a henchman anymore?" Sandbag believed he'd followed along successfully.

"Who says I ever was a henchman? I know I'm Dollop but Dollop the henchman is just a job title, something to fill in the gap on my passport. Seeing everything Hugo the 'man' is, so intertwined with being a hero, it makes me wonder how much of me is defined by being a henchman and how much is the real me inside? I don't think I could honestly tell you."

"But you're Dollop the henchman." Sandbag clung on to the little amount he could follow.

"Perhaps, but perhaps I need to just be Dollop for a while. Spend some time alone without a position to define me. Or I could teach? Evil University is always looking for well read, experienced lecturers. Either way I think I have to......retire from being a henchman." Saying the words out loud lifted a weight Dollop hadn't realised he'd been carrying. His future opened up before him, lighter than before, more vivid.

"Retire? Henchmen don't retire." Sandbag couldn't begin to fathom the concept. "Henchmen die valiantly defending their boss or get sent spiralling off into the universe in a conceptual prison, presumed to die a long, lonely death. They certainly don't retire. Surely you'd rather go out in a final duel with Hugo. That would be fitting." Sandbag smiled, convinced he'd found the answer.

"Maybe that is how I'll finish. This job isn't over yet." Dollop gave up on his coffee and stood up, fresh purpose running through his veins. Sandbag continued to witter.

"My family would never forgive me if I didn't die doing my job. I'd be banished if I retired. My uncle Doorstop doesn't exist as far as my dad's concerned; had the audacity to die of old age. Old age! Nothing but a coward my dad says. Brought disgrace on the family name. Valiant death for me, definitely."

"We all have to follow our hearts Sandbag, and mine feels right for the first time in a long while. It's the only way we can make it to that final place of sleep with the minimum of regret." Dollop wrestled his arms into the sleeves of the damsel outfit.

"So this will be your final mission?" Doubt still seeped through Sandbag's words.

"I really think it is." All concerns over marrying Hugo were quashed by hope.

"Then you must forget the decision you've made and focus like never before. You've opened yourself to irony's greatest curse: to last so long in such a dangerous world only to die on your final mission." Sandbag quoted a speech from one of his favourite films: The Henchman Knocks. He'd waited his whole life to horseshoe it into an actual conversation.

"All henchmen die on their final mission. That's what makes it their final one."

"Oh yeh. I guess you've really thought this through." Sandbag began to doubt the rest of The Henchman Knocks. Maybe you can't fashion a flamethrower from a bar of soap and bubble gum either.

"I think I have." Dollop zipped up his suit and strode out the door, ready for anything destiny wanted to throw at him. He just hoped it wasn't anything big and metal.

Contents
Chapter Thirty Three

Chris the Curious careered towards the top of Noel Hill in his latest invention: a four wheeled, pedal driven transportation machine complete with protective chassis of sleek design, and heated seats. He'd been toying with calling it a 'car', that or the 'quicker than walking'. The secret to how his 'car' careered at such a pace sat beneath what he affectionately termed the bonnet. An ingenious gear system increased the power he inputted a thousand fold, also storing energy for use when pedalling became tiresome.

Breaching the lip of the hill Chris pulled an impressive skid, drifting towards the centre. As momentum and speed dwindled to practically nil, a distinct sense of impact rippled through the machine. There was nothing in sight to explain such an occurrence, causing Chris to open his vertically sliding door and step out to investigate.

Chris could definitely feel something, two something's to be precise. Every sense except sight confirmed an object in the way. Sitting down he pondered such a contradiction. Deciding eventually that some form of trickery must be at work. 'Something is stopping me seeing whatever is in front of me'. He thought.

Pacing the hill in contemplation, Chris spotted movement in the distance. Taking out his 'move things in the distance closer lenses', or 'binoculars', Chris peered into the valley that stretched beyond. He spotted nine people, three of whom appeared to be moving in perfect synchronicity. When a mission follows an unexpected tangent the previous protocols are rescinded. The more heroes involved the more potent their power becomes, hence Bobby and The Magwanvu's attendance became essential. Any issues relating to their curious appearance would be dealt with by heroic improvisation. The observed group were all stood around one of the giant holes that punctuated the ground. The holes that were created by the white sphere that fell from the clouds on regular occasions.

Chris had watched the sphere fall many times and followed the beings that would appear from within, although he took great care never to let them see him. Something about the small, metallic one's very presence generated shivers that weren't worth pursuing. Only recently had he been joined by two very large others. Chris struggled to even think about the visitors, instead returning to the excitement of new people. Jumping in his car he set off towards them. 'At last' he thought, 'something to be genuinely curious about'.

******************

"You know what these look like?" Brick had an idea fully brewed.

"A series of big holes in a line?" Spiritwind had an answer of minimal effort.

"Exactly! A series of big holes created by a series of giant golfers on an unimaginably huge golf course. These must be their divots."

"All in a line? A perfect straight line stretching towards that tree in the distance before coming to a curiously abrupt halt?" Dandara tried to convey her disagreement through subtlety.

"Maybe this is the driving range and everyone points yonder." Brick pointed, shielding his eyes in order to ignore Dandara's disappointed stare.

"Using olde English doesn't make your point any stronger. I tire of telling ye this." Spiritwind acknowledged his pun with a choc dip.

"What do you think Jam?" Brick looked for support, just not in Dandara's direction.

Jam took a firm swig from his hip flask before speaking. "I think the universe is a giant antelope tearing through the plains of existence, fearing for its own mortality. Time and physics its hunter. Trying to bring it down and impose their fundamental laws onto the unruly child it continues to be. Why can't I be an eternal entity with no beginning or end? It cries. Stamping its feet upon their insistence on such narrow thinking as a start and end....."

"Does this lead to an explanation of the holes at any point?" Dandara could see nobody else was prepared to step in.

"Do the holes start and end?" Jam accepted the question.

"Yes. They start behind us and end over by that tree."

"Then the holes are the very physical manifestation of my point." Jam took another swig.

"And what is this point?" Dandara was a stickler for sense.

"I don't know. I hadn't quite got to that part yet. You interrupted me and alas we may never know what I was going on about. It's a shame. Had a good rhythm to it I thought."

"Can we presume you're finished then?" Dandara had her own schedule to complete.

"For the moment it would appear so. I may go and investigate these holes. Has anyone else noticed them? They're everywhere. They may offer some kind of clue to this mission thing you're all on. It's just me thinking aloud though. There is no contractual obligation to either listen or follow my words." Jam wandered off towards a hole.

Bobby had been stood, quietly gazing into the forestry in the hope of catching a glimpse of the wildlife he could sense inhabited the area. He adored watching animals in their own habitat, going about their day with the minimum of fuss.

A rustling in the foliage drew Bobby's attention. The human finger and eye he could see enticed further study. Sensing no evil intent from the lonely digit and lens Bobby didn't panic, choosing to observe the observer instead. It was Chris the Curious, and he'd seen enough to equally feel no threat from the group. Bobby watched as the finger and eye grew into an entire person, stepping from the bush and straight into the conversation.

"Thou holes are made by a craft which falls from the clouds. Reaching a thundering halt upon thon tree the capsule spills its contents of those within. Hello. I'm Chris the Curious......" Chris answered the confused looks with an introduction and a shake of the hand. He continued to speak as he did a full round of pleasantries. "A man of small stature and temper appears without fail, upon recent times thee hath been joined by two creatures of imposing size." Finishing his greetings Chris moved towards the centre of the group, gently turning as his regale continued.

"No matter how many they be, the pattern doth remain the same: thee stride towards thon village with boxes and implements of dubious description. Thou two mounds of men be forced to don costumes without logic. Their bulk secreted to seem no bigger than you or I, although perhaps bigger than yon and yonder." Chris pointed at Spiritwind and Bobby. Spiritwind tutted to the sky, Bobby beamed at being involved. "Why doth this man's head sit so much larger than yon frame? Besides the sides. Thon trio spend passing's of the orb around mon village of non movement before leaving thus. Never do I be seen, or intend to. I know not of their actions, but my trust is not with them." The group didn't know what to say.

"Hello. I'm Brick." Brick didn't consider himself to be part of the group.

"A man named after my newly developed building material. How is it you know of my work?"

"Work, why?" It was a natural twitch from Brick.

"My curiosity is inflamed by three of your creed in particular. Yon must enquire." Chris turned to The Magwanvu. "Doth thou be three separate beings sharing a single collective expressive? It is an initial hypothesis, open to fact in cause of remedy." The Magwanvu nodded appreciatively at somebody getting them straight away. It was enough to make them speak as one.

"May I say thank you for being genuinely curious about my predicament rather than using it as an excuse to poke fun."

"So who may thee ask transmitted thon thoughts?" They all pointed to themselves. "I see. Each spoke?"

"No. Only I said it." The hand movement repeated itself. "I think you'll find I said it." One turned to confront the other causing the middle Magwanvu to turn away and show the back of his head. "Don't turn your back on me when I speak to you. Why do you persist in getting angry every time that happens? You know I have no control over it. It doesn't stop it being rude." Brick and Spiritwind sat on the ground in front of the metaphysically joined trio, sharing a party size bag of crisps. It reminded them of the old slapstick acts of the past. Brick checked the floor for any kitchen implements they could introduce to the fray. A frying pan battle could unleash laughter of health damaging proportions. There was only grass and a broken crisp. "You may have said it but I definitely did the hand movements. I wish you two wouldn't bicker so much. You bicker just as much so don't be blaming me. I never bicker. You're bickering now. No I'm not, I'm commenting. Oh I see. You comment but we bicker. Exactly......"

Chris watched on in awe while Dandara grew impatient at another halt to the flow of their mission. Bettina found the whole scenario highly amusing and shared a grin with Bobby. The large faced man was glad the mood was one of ease. Jam had fallen into one of the holes in a particularly comfy position and felt it best to wait there until movement was essential.

"You mentioned a village of non movement Chris. Could we see it?" Dandara attempted to continue the adventure.

"Hmm, the village. Yes of course." Chris couldn't remove his eyes from the trio. "One just need follow the holes over the mild bump."

"I'll bet that's significant in a mission searching for apathy, a village of non movement." Brick commented with his hand motionless in the bag of crisps.

"I know. That's why I was trying to get Chris to show us." Dandara stood above the seated pair, arms folded.

"That's a great plan. What do you think Chris? Could you take us to the village of non movement?" Brick engaged the odd native to the planet.

"Don't try and steal my glory. It was my idea to go to the village." Dandara had first dibs on the idea and she wasn't letting go.

"That's a good idea that: going to see the village. Well done Brick." Spiritwind spoke purely to frustrate Dandara. Her fits were endlessly entertaining.

"Would you care to back me up on this one Bettina?" Dandara turned to her partner.

"Sorry. I was watching The Magwanvu. What am I backing you up on?"

The Magwanvu broke free from the bickering, which only appeared to involve two of the three. "Look. Everyone's watching. Will you two just stop it. I'd gladly stop. Seen as I didn't start it in the first place. Well I didn't start it. He did." All three pointed to the left. "Can we discuss this later when we're alone? Fine by me. And me. All the facts will still be the same anyway." The folded arms suggested the end of the show. Brick and Spiritwind stood, applauding.

"Thon time to take Brick's words into action hath arrived. Shall we head forth towards the village of non movement?" Chris didn't wait for an answer and returned to hectic action.

"That's a good idea Brick, heading into the village. I'll bet that holds lots of clues on a quest revolving around apathy." Bettina was oblivious to the anger she was building in her cohort.

"That's what I wanted backing up on." Dandara considered swearing.

"You wanted me to help you back up Brick's idea?" Bettina was confused.

"I give in."

"Don't give in Dandara, the fun's about to start." Bettina took her friend by the arm as the protests over whose idea it was ended. It was futile anyway.

"I shall spring ahead and leave thy 'car' within thy abode. My return shall be swift and occur at thon village. By following the direction of the holes beyond thine end you shall stumble in to my people, but worry is not for you, for my return will be before such a happening." Chris raised his hand, spun around, and disappeared into a bush. A vague squeaking was followed by a car of modern sport quality leaping from the foliage and off into the distance at pace.

"He's gone to set up an ambush." Brick reverted to type.

"I'm sure he hasn't." Spiritwind persisted in convincing otherwise.

"We'll see who's smug when we're all tied up in a net hanging from a tree."

"So even though you're aware of this you're still coming with us?" Spiritwind retrieved a bowl of noodles for the walk.

"Of course. Maybe I'll be tied to Dandara and our moment of peril will bring out her true feelings for me." Brick imagined the kiss.

"You actually want to be tied up and punched by a girl?"

"Yes. No. Not the pretend feelings of annoyance she shows the watching world, her true inner feelings of love and adoration."

"Oh those. I'd forgotten about them. She does keep those very deep." Spiritwind played along.

"Glad you've seen them too."

"We can all see them, all except perhaps Dandara?"

"Which is why we need to be tied up in a tree together, so she can get a good look."

"Of course."

All laws of logic decided to give up, pack a bag, and go away until the adventure was finished. Seen as nobody was bothering to pay it any attention it thought it may as well go and do something productive instead, like sleep. Nobody noticed it's disappearance as the story continued to unfold.

Contents
Chapter Thirty Four

"You do know we're no longer walking in a straight line?" Dandara had been waiting to see if Brick would realise his directional error. He'd assumed the lead role on their foray towards the village of non-movement.

"We're following a direction not a geometric exactity."

"You can't just make up words in the hope it will prove your point." Dandara didn't know if exactity was a word either, but she knew how to sound more confident about it than Brick.

"Of course you can make up words. Nobody had a problem with that dictionary fella doing it."

"And what was the point he was trying to make?" Dandara had a firm grip on the debate.

"That if you write things down and make it look official everybody will assume it to be the truth. Is that Chris?" Brick diverted attention towards a shadowy, man like blob hurtling through the air and heading in their direction.

As the figure grew the face of Chris could clearly be seen. It grinned as he rode a souped-up pogo stick, clearing fifty feet with each bound. The nearer Chris came the distance he cleared lessened, until he gently hopped amongst them.

"I apologise for thy absence. Thou time away stretched further than I could foretell. Thon ideas were many upon reaching thy abode. Save to lose them I noted what I could. The rest will return another day." Chris skipped from his toy. Spiritwind held out a hand to hold it steady. Inspecting the device confirmed it was a pogo stick, only with an added myriad of levers and pulleys wound together with cogs and thread. A mirror could be seen amongst the perfectly organised clutter.

"Nice pogo stick." Spiritwind could only think of one thing to say.

"Again you know of the labels to my inventions. Are you spies?" Chris' confusion grew at the same rate as his theorising.

"We are in fact the complete opposite." Brick answered proudly.

"Thee means thon openly refuses to pry within another's business?" Chris had nothing but a literal interpretation.

"Not quite that opposite."

"There be degrees of opposite? I'd never thought." Brick prepared to speak, only for his words to be stolen by his own thoughts. He stood open mouthed, pondering. Spiritwind interjected.

"We're from a planet very similar to yours where all these things have already been invented."

"So your eyes have already beheld my life's works? They are not the original thoughts yon imagined?" Chris deflated slightly.

"No, but that doesn't take anything away from you. Just because the wheel or pogo stick has been invented time and time again across the universe it doesn't make it any less original for each person that does it. You were the one that created it in this time and place. The fact it always gets invented proves it must be a great idea. So if anything it's proof that your ideas are really good." Spiritwind felt pleased the speech had ended with a positive twist.

"So the pogo stick lies already, beyond the clouds?" Chris looked towards the sky wistfully.

"That is one way of putting it. Although this is by far the best one I've ever seen." Spiritwind twizzled the contraption in his hands. It felt so light and perfectly balanced.

"What about yon car?"

"Yep."

"Buttons, farming, chips, sewer works, electricity, cartoons, plumbing, thimbles, lollipops?"

"Yep. Every one." Spiritwind contemplated trying the pogo.

"Did you invent all those things?" Brick had concluded his thoughts on opposite. He decided Chris was probably right.

"For all the worth it seems." Chris had little enthusiasm for his reply.

"It's very unusual for one person to come up with all that. It usually takes several brilliant men centuries of baby steps. Obviously I invent countless things every day, but I'm strictly an ideas man and don't usually have the time to actually build my designs. I usually don't even get time to draw them, but you do the lot. Maybe we should team up?"

"Why? So the world can all have a little hanky attached to their sock to keep their hands clean at mealtimes?" Spiritwind mocked his friend as he wondered how best to mount the pogo stick.

"Not just mealtimes." Brick rebuffed the mockery. "The sock hanky is useful for keeping fingers clean throughout the day from a multitude of messy chores. And it cleans itself when washed with the sock. And you get a fresh one each day. It's revolutionary. All the great revolutionary ideas are mocked at the start. I'll just remind you of your meagre faith when the Queen herself is wearing them."

"You speak of many fellow inventors upon your home orb? Thee would relish the time yon could spend conversing with the like. My folk only discuss the merits of rest and sleep, if that."

"Then feel free to converse. As I said, I'm a great inventor." Brick stood in his best inventor pose. It looked more like a sleepy security guard with a slipped disc.

"Thou hast observed the very blocks that build all that be and theorised thon atom. One considers thon manipulation of such matter could yield any one material from another, such as wood from gold. How far hast thon research on said topic ran? Perhaps thy key to further progress lies within you."

"About this village." Brick put his arm around Chris and walked ahead. He whispered as they went. "We'll save all this inventor type chat for later. Don't want to bore everyone with our high brow technical jargon."

"As socially considerate as thon be brilliant." Chris welcomed the rebuttal.

"I'd love to hear your theories on quantum engineering, Brick." Dandara couldn't hide the smirk as she joined in.

"She's just too polite for her own good Chris. Let us continue with the mission." Brick ushered Chris to lead the way as everyone meandered behind.

Spiritwind had been playing with the pogo stick. After brief analysis he lined up the transportation device and jumped. Landing both feet on the intended foot plates the stick took off, flinging Spiritwind twenty feet into the air, over the heads of the group and just in front of Brick and Chris. The bald hero landed with a stumbling run, the stick fifteen feet ahead. Turning the fall into a jog Spiritwind retrieved the pogo from the floor and returned it to its owner.

"It's good that Chris."

"My thanks are full."

"Baguette?" Spiritwind calmed himself with a sandwich.

"Thou must decline, although where thon food doth store perplexes me."

"Don't worry about it. Just understand it's there when needed. Could I ask you something?" Spiritwind didn't wait for permission. "If you say everyone else spends their days sitting around what makes you so different?"

"Mon days of rest are far from these times. Since childhood passed thou cannot find peace in idleness. It is a tale that still quakes thy bones, but with it I will regale thee."

"You don't have to. I don't want to upset you."

Chris launched straight into story mode. "T'was a day as any other. Mon fair mother, Necessity, placed thee on thou bag of beans and lay her own head down for an after sleep doze. Gazing up into the void of blue above, an object of great speed dissected thy vision. White and ball like in nature, I paid it little care and continued with thy nap...." Chris appeared taken aback by emotion.

"Honestly if it's too painful you can just give me the edited version." Spiritwind didn't want to have to handle a crying man, especially a stranger.

"The time that passed is not within thy knowledge, but as mon mind came round the sound of metal approached, a sound thee shall never erase. Staring up at the blue the colour left my vision, obscured by a helmet of curious nature. The slats offered nothing but the darkest night, a nothing that grew with intrigue and fear. My mind whispered to avert thy gaze but something more powerful prevented thee. Thy entirety fell into doubt and suspicion, overwhelmed by yon thought of danger within everything. Each action within thy thoughts became a potential accident, traumatic experience, just waiting for thy arrival. Safety left thon mind that day, stolen by irrational fear."

Chris bit his knuckle. It didn't change anything. "Thon helmet cackled before departing my view, leaving behind terror in mon tiny skull. Yon stood with a panic infecting thy mind with a potency only witchcraft could explain, or an easily explained scientific process that was yet to be clear. For many days thee cowered, fearful of life itself, until a bird up yonder distracted thee. How doth such a thing remain within the blue? Defying.....gravity? What be this gravity thon mind throws forth? A force of attraction holding the universe in balance perhaps? Thon thoughts appeared from behind nothing, flooding all that I am, but soothing the terror. Yon so I remain, distracted by endless streams of queries and answers mon mind keeps not where I know. Not 'til thee invents yon coping strategies within a field mon shall name.....mind wondering, or psychology?" The thought could be seen appearing as he spoke.

"That is sad." Spiritwind popped a cracker in his mouth. The tale had evoked his own theory as to what may be going on. His time spent with They had taught him much of the workings of the universe, and how to always win on fruit machines with nothing more than a cheeky grin. "Is it possible, and I'm ready to be wrong, that all the inventive energy of the planet has lay dormant, unable to be released in small doses on the usual hosts that would use it. And when it saw you finally questioning something it all made a rush towards you and has been doing ever since? Just a thought."

"Yon believes thee to be a tool for the planet's progression?"

"Why not? The human race needs things inventing constantly in order to evolve. It would appear there's a huge backlog here and you've been given the task of clearing up."

"Perhaps thy purpose is more than the one who will not sit. Thank you man of smooth head for thy input." Chris smiled his favourite smile, then paused and turned to the group. "Our destiny lies close. Beyond thy hill to be precise. Yon must warn thee to beware the feelings of lethargy which will entice you to sit, or even lye. Thou should resist with all might for standing will be nigh on impossible should yon succumb. Explore freely and speak at will. My apologies are sincere for mon peers slothful nature."

"What shall we do about The Magwanvu and Bobby? Do we have any human suits to disguise them?" Dandara remembered the minor admin side of the Hero's Council concerning those whose form didn't match Earthlings.

"Why would thou wish to conceal such wonder?" Chris was all for difference, as his name suggested.

"We don't want to arouse suspicion amongst the residents. They may ask questions, call the local news. I don't want to end up as a blurry shot from a wobbly vantage point at the end of this evening's bulletin." Dandara didn't look her best under blurry circumstances.

"I envy thy hope, but fear not. Thon people have disposed of suspicion for fear of effort. Barely an eyebrow would raise at the sight of giant lizards doing battle upon thy houses. Yon shall be safe."

"You mean dinosaurs?" Brick attempted further education.

"Dinosaurs? T'is a word befitting such size and ferocity. Come Brick. Your wisdom should spill further into thy ears."

Heroic, coincidental circumstance replaced the need for any improvisation as Brick turned smugly and skipped towards Chris at the front. The rest of the group were unsure what to expect, but stepped forward in order to turn a mystery into an experience.

***********

Ten minutes had been more than enough time in the village. The moment Brick started negotiating to buy a half-asleep pensioner's house Chris knew they had to leave. By the time Brick had started moving the aged fellow outside, Chris had Brick's arm in his and was dragging him away.

The group retreated towards Chris' house, each coming around from an overwhelming need to doze.

Brick snapped back to awareness to find a stick in his hand and a disappointed Spiritwind looking at him.

"Nicking that guy's stick was a bit harsh."

"He didn't try and stop me." Brick twizzled the object playfully.

"How shall Arnold remove thy itch from thon nose in the days to come?" Chris turned to Brick. The three Earthlings walked together, everyone else straddled behind. Dandara and Bettina were in conversation, Bobby in wonder, The Magwanvu in peeved silence, and Jam in coherent.

"With a cheeky scratch and a gentle wiggle?" Brick conducted a pretend orchestra with his new toy. Percussion were completely off time.

"Thou underestimates thon lethargy. Arnold doth remove thy itch with the stick you now possess. He feels movement should be minimal at all times."

"Did he just say that old bloke uses this stick to scratch his nose?" Brick spoke with mild panic towards Spiritwind.

"Arnold discriminate not one orifice from another. Wherever the itch be he duly follows to poke with thy weapon."

Brick dropped the stick instantly, looking down in utter disgust at the fallen item. "I'd rather we didn't discuss the stick anymore. In fact can everyone just erase the last two minutes of existence from their memories?"

"I thought you loved your stick. What's put you off? It being a tool to remove snot from a lazy man's face?" Spiritwind chuckled in rhythm with his walk.

"So Dandara. Lovely day don't you think?" Brick moved towards Dandara in an effort to steer away from snot and sticks.

"Do you want something?"

"That's charming. You try and be nice and all you get is suspicion."

"Yes it's a lovely day." Dandara was clearly offering little more to the conversation. She wanted to get back to discussing her and Bettina's upcoming winter hero suit.

"That's all you had to say." Brick allowed everyone to pass, waiting for Jam at the back. The drunken captain walked straight into his fellow hero without spilling a drop of his drink.

"Sorry about that. I hope I haven't ruined your shirt. Actually I haven't spilled anything. Panic over." Jam looked up at Brick. "We're on the same team aren't we?"

"Of course." Brick was instantly having a better time.

"Where are we going?"

"To the house of Chris the Curious."

"Which one's he again? It's not you is it? I don't mean to be rude if it is."

"I think the more important question is will you remember even if I tell you?" Brick liked nothing more than being straight.

"Probably not. I'm always prepared to try though."

"Give what a try?" Brick thought added confusion would be more fun.

"Whatever it was we were going to do."

"We did it. It didn't work." Brick scanned the trees for interest.

"That, is a crying shame. Maybe next time."

"Maybe."

"We're here." Chris stopped the group to announce their arrival at his home, although only foliage surrounded them.

"Well obviously we're here. Where else would we be? I thought I was the confused one." Jam took another swig from his flask.

"Where is here?" Brick sought clarity. Jam answered instead.

"Here is the place you're at, at the point in time you ask. So here is here." Jam spun a full circle to strengthen his point. At exactly the same time Chris reached behind a tree and pulled a rope. From nowhere a four storey house of palatial design appeared, complete with excessive driveway and manicured gardens. The fountains slotted in perfectly. An ornamental gate opened on Chris' command.

"Did I do that?" Jam focused on the house that hadn't existed at the start of his spin. "Maybe I can add an extension with a quick shuffle." Jam shuffled as Brick queried.

"How did that happen, because Jam's explanation is better than anything I can think of." Everybody began the stroll up the long driveway.

"T'is thy security. Were mon fellow residents to spot thy home t'id would become a sleeping barn and nothing more. Mon work would be interrupted for all time. Not to mention thou visiting man of metal being made aware of mon projects. Mirrors and pulleys are needed by I to cloak thy existence. Thon pull of one rope tilted thee mirror that holds yonder illusion together."

"Ah, obviously. It's a lot like our place." Brick commented for the benefit of Dandara.

"Isn't your place the same as Brick and Spiritwind's from the last planet?" Dandara had a memory and simple logic to use as evidence.

"Obviously I meant in essence."

"You meant in your made up world of impressive lies. The shed's posher than your house."

Brick looked longingly at the shed. It was a fine piece of garden architecture.

"A home is nothing more than a state of mind we return to. The things that invoke this state are what we like to label as home, but the truth is it is only ever an emotion, a feeling. We each carry our homes in our hearts and minds. Even now countless datsuns away from my planet I can still evoke the warmth of being in my field, tending to fresh shoots of light." Bobby's intervention was well timed, and heartfelt.

"What he just said." Brick hopped on to the glory of Mr Dazzler's words, pulling an unjustifiably smug face as he headed towards Chris' front door. Brick felt sure a house of such proportions had to have a games room, and he wanted first go on whatever was in it.

Contents
Chapter Thirty Five

Chris prided himself on his experimental approach to practically every aspect of life. Building a house had been no different to finding the perfect angle for a spoon's handle. Beginning with the basic needs of shelter Chris had built a wooden hut containing a basic bed of straw and a hearth. Before completing the abode he'd already considered improvements and added an extension on the back, built from stone. Multiple rooms soon became multiple storeys, the problem of what to with the staircase he'd previously invented finding a natural solution. Eventually discovering brick he'd gone on to build his current mansion, leaving each unfinished earlier effort as a corridor of progression through man's architectural history. The group left the semi detached era and entered the hallway to the main body of Chris' home.

"How informative." Spiritwind chewed on a chicken leg, surveying the museum-like atmosphere of the entrance path.

"What does this rope do?" Brick couldn't resist the chord to his left.

"It either creates a beverage to await thee in the room of space, moves thon wall yonder eight feet to thy left, or closes the curtains that adorn mon bedroom." Chris tapped his chin as a memory aid, considering something more important. "Is it right or left here?" Chris pondered beneath his breath.

"I'm probably going to pull it." Brick had to be honest.

"Pull away. Left, definitely left. Follow me." Chris turned right expecting the rest to follow. Brick pulled the rope. Nothing happened, inducing another tug. Brick tutted and joined the others.

Turning the corner he walked straight in to the stationary group. A dead end surrounded them. Chris was trying to decide which of three ropes to pull.

"What's going on?" Brick tapped Spiritwind for an answer.

"We're all on a mission to save the universe, a quest which has brought us to a distant Earth franchise planet where apathy has ground evolution to a near halt. All except for this man who invents at a worrying pace....." Brick folded his arms and tried to look disgusted. It failed as Spiritwind hadn't turned to speak.

"What's going on Bobby?" Brick asked someone else instead.

"Countless events. Some will change the lives of those involved forever, others will disappear from their conscious within moments of passing. New lives are beginning, old ones are ending. We're all existing and should be aware of that....."

Brick looked at Jam. Jam looked back with the fear of a high tree that had spotted a herd of giraffes on the horizon. Brick could tell there was no point asking and turned to The Magwanvu. After asking three times the smooth faced triple being shimmered and spoke "I'm trying to implement the silent treatment." The use of words signalled the end of their self protest. "You can't even do that right. Listen to you blabbering on. Well at least I'm trying. First chance one of you gets and you're off. How very sorry Mr Perfection......"

The light reflecting off their heads threatened Brick with a headache. He took a step back to consider how his life had turned out in such a way. The action of Chris pulling the two outer ropes, at once, startled him back into the scene. The wall that had been blocking their way slid away revealing a corridor of doors.

"Surely there are easier security systems." Dandara grew impatient.

"An inner security system on an orb where it's people cannot be bothered to roll over in their sleep. How quaint. As long as thy home is obscured from view its inside shall remain safe. You see my fine lady thon home is in constant evolution, its needs changing every moment. A hearty abode should reflect thee with thon ability to adapt. Thee ropes allow such moves. Brick open thon door to thy left." Chris inspected the door to his right while he waited.

Brick was met with confusion upon opening the wooden barrier. His view obscured by a thousand ropes moving in an equal number of directions, towards pulleys of glittering promise. "I'm guessing this is behind the scenes then?" The rest of the group peered inside, including Chris.

"Theoretically." Chris was as vague as a man could be about his own invention. He looked deep into his mind, counting numbers in the air.

"In my experience theory and reality are distant cousins. Only meeting at the occasional family party before spending their time existing on separate plains that neither can be sure exist." Jam wittered beautifully.

"A noble sentiment yon hairy one. Aha." Chris had remembered the correct door and headed straight to it. Opening it he ushered the others inside. "Thee room of space."

The room of space was aptly named, stretching the entire length of the building. Half built mechanisms littered the area, tools of varying size and completion scattered throughout. The far outer wall was made entirely from glass, the ceiling not making contact but ceasing around thirty feet from where they would meet.

The group dispersed to investigate further, mainly heading towards the enormous windows. Chris tinkered with various machines as he passed. Brick spotted a table in the distance. Suspecting its purpose he grabbed Spiritwind to help him confirm his thoughts.

The half finished machines continued out on to the sprawling lawn. A nearly complete helicopter and several versions of cranes sat proudly on the neatly trimmed grass.

Arriving at the mystery table, Brick was pleased to confirm what he'd thought. "I knew it. He's only invented snooker." Brick's joy expressed itself through a clap of the hands and rub of the palms. "Prepare to be thrashed."

"You know trash talking just makes you look stupid when I win." Spiritwind emptied the remains of a pasty into his mouth before choosing his cue.

"And so it begins." Brick chalked his own cue while Chris toyed with a megaphone he'd been waiting to test.

"I SEE YOU PULLED THE ROPE TWICE." Everyone turned, slightly startled at the burst of noise. Chris grinned, pleased the voice massiver worked. He placed it down on a semi completed printing press. The inventor picked up a unicycle and rode towards the duo. They watched, beyond curious.

"I was about to break masterfully before that interruption." Brick had an excuse ready.

"Surely a master always does so, hence his title. Doth thou decline the beverage thee requested?" Chris nodded towards a small table containing two steaming cups of liquid.

"Is that what pulling the rope did? That's very clever." Brick sniffed at the cup. His hot beverage issue niggled at his mind. Chris felt further explanation may help.

"T'is a dried out leaf stewed in hot water."

"What type of leaf?" Brick asked tentatively. He knew what was coming.

"Thon named thy tea."

"I don't do tea, really sorry."

"Apologies are not required. Pleasure stems from the success of thon inventions."

"Well if it's any consolation I'm gaining immense pleasure from this one. I can't believe you invented snooker Chris. I love snooker." Brick returned to the table.

"Snooker, interesting. Ye worked upon thon question of interplanetary physics and needed a universe to work with. Thon table emerged from my thoughts."

"Could I ask you something, Chris?" Spiritwind left Brick to his break warm-up lunges and spoke to the inventor.

"Doth it be of the ball from the clouds?" Chris was highly intuitive.

"It is yes. You're good at this guessing business."

"That was a warm up by the way." Brick glossed over his first attempt as he missed every ball on the table.

The rest of the group had naturally gravitated towards the game. Jam had been enticed by all the colours, The Magwanvu had been trying to edge away from itself and ended up in the corner, and Bobby just happened to be stood gazing out of the window within earshot. Dandara had been the only one following Chris. Filtering through his ranting there were many gems of knowledge. Bettina had followed her friend. She was happy to pick up the flirting thread with Spiritwind and made fleeting eye contact with him. Chris began his answer.

"Yon can merely repeat thy earlier words. A being of temper as short as his stature falls from the clouds in a perfect sphere. Leaving thon craft thee heads towards ye village of non movement, accompanied by a box upon which sits a horn. He adorns thon box with discs of curious nature, spinning them on its top. Giggling for hours thou eventually leaves, more recently with beasts of outstanding brawn who wear suits thon disguise thee true size."

"Did the two creatures obey his every word?" Dandara took over the questioning, leaving Spiritwind to carry on with the game.

"More so. Fear overcame their very being upon thy command."

"Sounds like he's hired henchmen. He must know suspicions have been raised. How did the white sphere take off Chris? I mean return to the clouds?"

"T'was odd to see. As though the landing from before being played out in reverse. Nice shot." Chris commented on Spiritwind's shot.

"He's using a return loaded bullet ship, short range only. How many Earth franchise planets are within return load bullet shop range of here?"

"Am I expected to know that?" Bettina didn't know whether to apologise or make something up.

"I was asking the ship. Maybe now it co-operates I can get some use out of my walkie-talkie cufflinks and look like a professional." Dandara pointed to her wrists. They gleamed with small nuggets of technology.

Spiritwind watched Brick trying to concentrate on his next go. His tongue circled his face. As he waited he spoke to Chris in a hushed tone. "Have you ever thought that the person that turned up and scared you as a child could be this same fella in the sphere?"

"Thou hath tried but diversions of thee mind prevent focus. Even now as thee seeks an answer mon cannot think of anything but trees and their workings."

"Only one planet fits the criteria you seek." Dandara's ship spoke via the cufflinks with a fine coating of maturity. "You may be interested to hear it is the same planet that came second in the apathy density measurement you ran on The Tub of Fun earlier. We've been speaking in your absence. What a lovely lady she truly is. I presume you wish to explore this planet next? The co-ordinates are already entered into the navigation system. Mine and Navvy's little misunderstanding has been resolved. We're going out for coffee on Thursday. I also notified The Tub of Fun of what to expect and where we're probably heading. Hope I wasn't being too presumptuous."

"Not at all, it's surprisingly thoughtful of you."

"Just doing my job. Nice eyeliner by the way. Really brings out the inner you." Dandara felt flustered for a moment. She paused before relaying the news to the group.

"I believe we have pinpointed the base where our nemesis lies."

"Have we? That's really quite a big deal." Bettina had been busy ogling Spiritwind's head and missed the gravity of the conversation.

"That missed." Spiritwind was busy defending his call of foul on Brick's last shot.

"It did not. The ball moved ever so slightly. Didn't the ball move Jam?"

"Yes. No. Hold on. Which one's the ball?"

"If you've finished your little game." Dandara raised her point with the two players at the table. "We think we know where the big, evil bad guy's hiding out."

"The game isn't over until one person can mock the other mercilessly. That's the rule of any sport." Brick defended his love of games.

"Do you mean the big, final baddy?" Spiritwind was intrigued.

"Yes."

"The one everyone in the universe is looking for?"

"Yes."

"Then shouldn't we tell somebody who can deal with that?" Spiritwind still struggled slightly with the more pro-active side of heroics. He didn't mind reacting but actively going to fight a baddy? He wasn't sure.

"We can deal with it. We're a nine strong band of heroes with youth and energy on our side." Dandara avoided eye contact with everyone in order to maintain the belief in her words. "This could be the one chance we get to be the saviours of the universe and I for one say we should reach out and grab that opportunity with as many hands as we can combine." Dandara really wanted the promotion, and the potential chat show appearances that would come with it.

"Plus we could be wrong. We're only basing it on intuition." Bettina sensed the crowd may respond better to truth over a rousing monologue.

"Well if we might be entirely wrong let's go for it." Brick knew he couldn't win at snooker and saw an honorary way out.

"Could we wait until after this game?" Spiritwind spotted his friend's attempt to flee a loss.

"Snooker isn't the most important thing right now. Dandara and Bettina have been intuiting hard, the least we can do is listen and join in any plan making sessions. We are going to make a plan first aren't we?" Brick put down his cue. Spiritwind found an iced finger as compensation.

"Of course we'll make a plan. The key to success lies in a thorough plan. It says so in the code. Something you'd know if you ever bothered to do even the basic hero research." Dandara maintained her disdain for the Earthling's approach.

"What does the code say about half baked outlines of plans?" Brick had to ask.

"It says to expect a half baked outline of a mission to ensue."

"Would that be so terrible if the mission was still a successful one?" Brick's wink did nothing to instil confidence in his theory.

"Listen. I have an image to uphold. I can't be seen as a sloppy hero by following some half baked ideas." Dandara wasn't relenting.

"Dandara my dearest, what kind of mission do you think you've been on for the last thirty chapters? Myself and Spiritwind have our own hero code and so far it's been a hundred percent successful. Trust us." Dandara walked away from the group and the discussion. The focus followed her.

"I can't help but feel a little curious about everything you're saying." Chris' mind almost exploded at the talk of missions and bad guys.

"Don't you worry, Chris, everything will be answered in time." Brick placed his arm round Chris' shoulder and walked him towards the planning area of the room, or middle of the floor. Everyone followed in a pleasant amble, only Jam brought a ball to stare at.

Contents
Chapter Thirty Six

"Surprise!" Dollop removed Hugo's blindfold to reveal the world that lay outside The Underground Tower of Crizal.

"What's this?" Hugo looked down to find a checked blanket and a hamper. A bottle of wine sat half empty, two glasses were freshly poured.

"It's a celebration picnic, to new beginnings." Dollop grimaced through his sentence, downing his third large glass of wine.

Sid had insisted the pair spend some romantic time together. He wanted the foundation of love that had sparked between them to blossom. Dollop hadn't protested for fear Sid replaced his nose with a turbot. The megalomaniac believed the further Hugo was kept from suspecting anything was wrong the better and nothing can beat the power of love when it comes to leaving someone blind, not even hot pokers with eye eating worms on the end.

"How thoughtful of you, and may I add slightly romantic." Hugo tilted his wine in his maiden's direction.

"Now Hugo let's not get carried away." Dollop slumped on to the blanket and picked up the bottle, refilling the glass he'd finished. "It's just an outdoor meal. Not romantic at all when you consider the inconvenience of eating in the wind, the tiny creatures on their quest for food, the lack of toilet facilities, the moist and bumpy floor, the....."

"All those things pale into insignificance next to the company: my purpose for breathing."

Dollop's glass quickly emptied followed by the tipping of a redundant bottle above it. The henchman rubbed his fair lips with the back of his pleasing forearm then flicked a clasp on the large hamper. The lid opened and the front lay down to reveal the insides. A host of breads, cooked meats and cheeses were neatly arranged. Cutlery had been strapped in place upon the inside of the lid. Dollop only had one interest and reached for three more bottles of the ample wine supply. The maiden continued speaking, keen to avoid a romantic pause that could lead to an attempted kiss.

"Have you thought about your new career? You'll need a job now the hero work has dried up. I don't want you under my feet all day while I'm in the castle being maideny. I have a certain lifestyle to maintain you know." Dollop tried to make the prospect of marriage to him as unappealing as possible without going as far as removing the hood from his outfit and revealing his true form.

"Hopefully there'll be a few little ones to support too." Hugo smiled like an expectant horse for a period far exceeding any natural grin. Dollop could only crush a pork pie in frustration. Tears considered welling in the monsters eyes before the moist droplets saw how terrifying the beastly orbs were and retreated back into their ducts. The etiquette of a glass was discarded as the maiden drank straight from the bottle.

"Maybe you could take that space mechanics course you mentioned? I like my men to be qualified with a secure future. These dresses aren't cheap you know. Not to mention the maintenance and cleaning bills. That dragon singeing causes mayhem with the seams."

"The future holds no fear for you or I, or our little you and I's. Just like the day I faced down The Beast of Bothersome Sounds. That was a battle etched into my soul, like so many others, but those days are gone. I realise that. But my tales shall live on as I impart them to rooms of wealthy men and women willing to pay a reasonable price per head for a fine meal and the greatest after dinner speeches their ears could ever behold. After dinner speaking shall be my new passion, and by storm or breeze I'll be the best orator the universe has ever seen." The clenched fist did nothing to wipe away the ridiculous nature of his words.

Dollop bit the top off another bottle of wine and started drinking. He felt sure after dinner speaking had been his idea. It was another gripe to add to life. Hugo continued.

"Of course finance will not be a worry. The affluent victims of terror were always very generous with their gifts. Gifts that are registered as tax free donations to the man, not the charity set up in my name. Do not fear my sweetest of hearts. We shall live the lives of kings." Hugo threw a grape high in the air, catching it in his mouth without coming close to a tooth. He turned, chewed, swallowed and grinned, again for an uncomfortable period.

"Another drink?" It was all Dollop, had.

"I see you like your wine Fayre Maiden?"

"I do. I love wine, can't get enough of it. You won't see me without a bottle." Dollop continued to sour Fayre's reputation.

"Excellent. I knew there was a party girl behind those eyes. We're going to have a lot of fun in a lot of dimensions, you and I." Dollop contemplated smashing the empty bottle over his own head in frustration. "I propose a toast to the greatest love the universe ever has, or will see. May it never become tainted by evil thoughts or actions, and may our hearts remain eternally open to each other, perhaps the greatest gift two living beings can ever offer." Hugo chinked his glass against Dollop's bottle. The disguised maiden sensed Hugo awaited a kiss.

"Are there many more bottles in there?" The henchmen tried to divert the moment.

"Enough for an army."

"Pass me another four. I've got a feeling this is going to be a long afternoon."

"A long and glorious afternoon filled with......"

"Whatever you say, Hugo, just pass me the bottles before you continue."

"I do love our playful banter."

"Yes it's marvellous. Could I have the opener too? Think I cut my tongue on that last one."

"Did I ever tell you about the time I conquered the Tongue Monster of......."

Ahriman sat at the early ends of the Earth program. Plants still dominated much of its surface, awaiting the evolution of nature's gardeners. It explained the entities naivety as it watched the couple, perceiving nothing but the fresh aroma of love between a blossoming life-long partner-ship. For now the planet also believed that life rewarded effort and that good things happen to good people, but over time cynicism would catch up to its youthful soul as the harsh reality of experience forced its way into its equation of thought.

In truth it was a good day for everyone except Dollop, but as he was getting paid it was hard to muster any sympathy, especially as it was a Sunday and he was on double time.

Contents
Chapter Thirty Seven

"And you're sure you haven't got any suits that increase your strength a million fold?" Brick repeated his question.

"Thon pursuit of warfare items puzzles thee so. Mon only attackers cannot be bothered to dream. A wall of miniscule proportions would more than suffice."

"I'm not saying you'd intentionally design a nuclear warhead, but most weapons are invented by accident. People are usually trying to find the cure for head mites or something when they stumble upon a chemical that melts your brain but doesn't even ruffle your hair." Brick defended his query.

"Thy point be a valid one. Yon shall peruse thy room of discarded objects." Chris walked away, pulling a lever and disappearing behind a wall.

"At last we get decent gadgets." Brick looked in scorn at the calculator watch Fate had given them.

"You can have as many gadgets as you want but I prefer to rely on my good old hero powers." Dandara folded her arms. A disagreement was as good as anything else to help pass the time.

"That's a very commendable attitude but we are mere fragile humans with no fighting ability or super strength. I'd feel far more confident knowing I had a tank secreted in my belt buckle." Brick poked a half Hammond organ/half synthesiser hybrid that lay on the carpet by his side.

Dandara looked mystified. "You're heroes. Of course you've got fighting ability. It's the most basic component of the hero package." Dandara couldn't be sure if she was walking into a wind up.

"Is this what you were trying to explain to me when we first met?" Spiritwind remembered the forgotten conversation with Bettina, back in the future.

"I did explain. We spent the whole night talking about it. Do you not remember? It was very intimate." Bettina spoke while making suggestive eyes straight into the bald man's orbs. It was highly confusing in so many ways.

"Now you mention it I do recall something about powers. I'm just not entirely sure what."

"We know about the discount card." Brick just wanted to be involved.

"So if I said Bull Punch you'd have no idea what I'm talking about?" Dandara revelled in the news.

"Could we just get all the mockery out of the way and proceed to the explanation?" Brick wanted to know if they could fly.

Dandara smirked, throwing in a few derogatory looks and shakes of the head. "Sorry. I just find it very funny."

"There's no point apologising when we all know you're not sorry." Brick preferred honesty.

"No you're right I'm not sorry. Anyway, the Bull Punch is the most basic weapon in any hero's armoury. One hit will knock any opponent of similar size out cold for as long as you need them to be." Brick glanced at his fist, then at Spiritwind.

"Never gonna happen." Spiritwind knew what his peer was about to ask. Brick's request to test the Bull Punch on his friend was denied before it could surface.

"It wouldn't work on Spiritwind. He has the hero ability to withstand most punches. The most he'd suffer is a cut lip or maybe eyebrow, and a strategic bruise."

"Will it work on the two huge henchmen that are with the bad guy?" Brick desperately wanted to test it.

"No I wouldn't expect so. Professional henchmen are usually big for that very purpose. Chances are you'd throw your best punch and they'd be unaffected. Probably grin back at you inviting free shots. Repeated blows will eventually annoy them. They'll just pick you up and throw you into some form of easily collapsible furniture. To defeat them you usually have to incorporate a part of the scenery you're fighting in. A discarded log chopper or ceiling fan, or fighting on a high surface they can be easily lured off."

"What else do we get?" Spiritwind was also hoping they could fly.

"Your hunches will always be correct, any lethal surprises such as falling rocks will always miss by inches, outstretched arms when falling will always find something to hold on to be it the lip of a cliff or an out-hanging tree, at least a basic level of kung fu style fighting techniques; if you do get shot it will only ever be to the shoulder and you'll be able to continue the mission with nothing more than a grimace and cupping of the arm. General things like that really."

"Any flying?" Spiritwind double checked.

"Oh no. That's a genetic thing."

"Why would we get shot?" Brick wasn't sure he liked that part of the powers.

"Because you're standing in the way of some pretty mean people who have no qualms about wiping out worlds. Shooting one person is barely rude. They won't be able to kill you though. You're heroes."

"Can they make me say 'ow' a lot?" Brick had reservations.

"A little bit, but when it comes to serious pain they can only tease with you awful looking machinery and suggestions of bees in pants. Something will always happen to save you before they can really damage you. The most you'll ever suffer is a heroic trickle of blood with no identifiable source."

Brick began daydreaming about himself in a vest with various trickles of blood and an appreciative heroine armed with a basic first aid kit and a thousand kind words. Spiritwind imagined saving a world whose economy was based entirely on baked goods, their gratitude coming in the form of free access to all their wares.

Dandara had had enough fun and turned to Bettina, Jam, Bobby and The Magwanvu, to propose her plan for the next stage. "I suggest hero tactic 63a: Forming teams in order to divide the enemies defence and attention. If we have to attack a base there will inevitably be a split path. Based on the level of professionalism the bad guy's showing I'd predict three, so we should make three teams: myself and Bettina will be Team A...."

"Whoah, whoah." Brick snapped out of his imagined scenario. The female heroine he'd created had just moved in to kiss his wounds better. "Can we please have proper team names?"

"You can call yourselves whatever you like but we're Team A. Brick and Spiritwind will be...." Dandara left a gap for Brick to fill.

"Oh right. That's where I speak isn't it? Team Cobalt-Titanium." The bemused looks awaited explanation. "It sounds hard."

"Leaving Jam, Bobby and The Magwanvu to be......" Dandara left a gap again.

"Lollipop, Cantaloupe, Giddy Saucer." The Magwanvu flashed disgust across its flat face in response to its twitched offerings. It couldn't even look at itself.

"Team Tranquil." Bobby perked up as Jam stared at his own shoes. He could have sworn they weren't his.

"We'll go with Tranquil." Dandara continued the plan. "After landing on the Earth we must scan the planet for anything resembling a small man in a metal suit or an enormous creature. Team A and Titanium will then investigate the said life form. Team Tranquil will hang back as support."

"That's your fault we're only support. Giddy Saucer indeed." The Magwanvu had found a new bickering point. "Why are you having a go at me? He said Giddy Saucer. I am having a go at him. Could we not have a constructive discussion for once instead of this constant identity based sniping? Who said that? Me. What's your problem? What I just said. Who are you pointing at? Him. Then point at him. I am....."

Dandara ignored the malaise and carried on. "From there we will use our hero skill of improvisation."

"You mean we're going to wing it?" Brick knew a slack plan when he heard it. He'd said enough of them.

"No. We're following the plan." Dandara defended her words.

"Although the plan is to wing it." Brick continued to attack.

"Obviously your definition of 'winging it' differs from the rest of the universes." Dandara put on her best defiant stance.

"We're definitely winging it." The Magwanvu jumped in as an unlikely source of support. Even they didn't disagree about it.

Dandara mentally rolled up her sleeves. She was ready to turn the debate into a physical contest. Fortunately she was interrupted by the return of Chris with an armful of three foot sticks. He dropped them onto the floor. Only Brick jogged towards them.

"What are they Chris?"

"T'is thy pile of big sticks."

"Are they rocket powered?" Brick picked one up and searched for a button.

"No."

"Secret camera?"

"No." Chris felt confused again.

"Concealed telescope?"

"T'is but a stick my friend."

"Explosive liquid embedded in the wood." Brick struck the floor awaiting the flame. Nothing happened.

"Yon fervour perplexes thee."

"I thought you'd have some brilliant gadgets Chris, or more than just a stick." Brick twirled it disappointedly.

"Out of everything thy mind could conjure nothing may rival the simplicity and versatility of thine big stick. To scribe thons uses upon paper would take more years than there are grains of sands, the list stretching out beyond all the oceans. T'is be the perfect accompaniment on a mission such as thee finds yon self."

Brick continued toying with the stick as everyone else picked one up. "And there's no massive gun behind your back?" He tried one last time.

"We should be leaving." Dandara acknowledged the gift with grace and suggested they moved towards the conclusion of the adventure.

"Yee must return to thon sky?" Chris verbalised the approaching departure.

"That's where the bad guys are." Brick used his stick to point upwards honourably. He reconsidered his initial redundant opinion of the gift, its usefulness shining forth instantly.

"So thon theories on the other worlds beyond the blue are true? Mon eyes cannot wait to see the glory that awaits thee." Chris hugged himself with joy. "Would thou be pleased to ride thy 'bus' back to thon hill from which thee came? T'is similar in working to thy car only bigger and with more seats. Yon numbers would be accommodated easily."

"I'm not proud. I'd love a lift." Brick accepted as graciously as he could. Nobody argued as they headed out into the garden.

"I'll sit next to you Spiritwind." Bettina linked arms with the reddening hero.

"Of course." She probably knew he'd let her have the window seat.

Without further battle the teams headed off as one, stick in hand and heart on sleeve. When it comes to saving the universe spirit is more powerful than any gun, although it would be nice to have one just in case metaphorical power holds no practical substance.

Contents
Chapter Thirty Eight

"I'll miss Chris. Nice guy. Think we were on the same wavelength." Brick spoke as he led the crew of The Little Tub of Fun down the ramp. The journey to Ahriman, the Earth franchise planet that housed Sid and the crux of his plan, had been brief and uneventful. Spiritwind barely had time for all three courses of his snack. The mound they'd landed on, a mound that would one day grow to be known as Noel Hill, sat amidst a mangle of foliage. Various other openings littered the dense forestry.

"He gave me a picture from his moment catcher." Spiritwind took out a photograph along with his landing butty.

"Obviously mine and Chris' friendship stretched deeper than the need for token gifts and offerings. His image will always be in my memory under the title 'unforgotten friends."

"Everyone else got one." Spiritwind pointed to Bobby, Jam and The Magwanvu. They all held out a fluttering image of Chris.

Dandara and Bettina had arrived before the Fun Tub and had already been scouting around. They appeared from the trees and strolled across. Dandara held a small black box. She glanced at it intermittently, absorbing the group mockery she sensed being aimed at Brick.

"Are we comparing the pictures Chris gave us? Mine's very funny." Bettina reached into her pocket.

"If we could just focus on the mission, please." Brick didn't want to talk about it. "It's only the future of the entire universe in our hands."

"Did somebody not get a picture?" Dandara saw straight through Brick. Spiritwind shook his head in answer to the feminine hero's question.

"Our friendship....."

"So the sensors show two people of generous size about fifty metres beyond these trees in another clearing." Dandara reverted to her black box.

"Then let's go get 'em." Brick thought bravado may hide his disappointment.

"Admirable enthusiasm Brick, and quite out of character, but we only need to observe them." Dandara remained focused on the box.

"Then let's go observe 'em." The level of enthusiasm remained. A punch of the palm joined in for the hell of it. "Do we have to go through that forest though? A forest which could house a beast to whom mercy is just the poor pronunciation of the French for thank you?" Brick realised how he sounded. "Obviously I'm concerned for the safety of the girls."

"I think we'll be fine." Dandara reassured Brick with as much patronisation as she could squeeze into the words. "Anyway the sensors show the only other life of any size to concern us is in the oceans. Nothing can be bothered to come on to land yet. The apathy must be strong here." Dandara paused for a heroic moment. It was most unlike her. "Come on then, time to put those hero cards into action. Team Tranquil, will you be alright here until we send you the signal to follow?" Dandara took firm control while Brick and Spiritwind peered into the trees, searching for any beasts with poor pronunciation. Team Tranquil were lost in their own worlds. A nod from Bobby sufficed as an answer.

"You're never normally this heroic when it's just us two." Bettina spoke to her friend. "Where did that heroic pause come from?"

"Maybe I've turned a corner in my hero career. Without a leader I feel quite comfortable assuming control. Perhaps we should employ a crew?"

"I think you're trying to impress the boys, especially Brick."

"If I wanted to impress Brick I'd show him a picture of my sofa. Don't you start pushing the romantic angle of this adventure too."

"It's a nice angle. Plus I like flirting with Spiritwind."

"Bettina we've been through this. We are here as more than a narrative foil for those two. If we do things right we can usurp them and become the main characters in this story. We could earn our own series, or even get our own chat show back home. All we have to do is stay focused and not be drawn into becoming a plot device for their ends." Dandara pointed at the human duo. They were poking the forest with their sticks before jumping backwards. "Do you really want to be a bit-part to that?"

"When you put it like that. Can I still flirt with Spiritwind though because I find it very amusing? He doesn't have a clue how to behave."

"That's fine. You continue. It's an interesting side story that's keeping you involved, but don't fall in love with him. Then you'll never be anything but Spiritwind's girlfriend."

"I wouldn't fall in love with him, although he is adorable." Bettina gazed lovingly towards the little bald man.

"Not another word. I will not see this become a romance. Let us just continue with the adventure. Did you say you'll be okay on your own Bobby?"

"Worry is not needed for us. You go forth and do what you need to." Bobby had been smelling the various flowers that straddled the border between the forest and clearing.

"Let's go then." Dandara raised her stick and walked purposefully towards Brick and Spiritwind. Brick stopped her in her stride.

"Do you really think the evil bad guy at the centre of all this is behind this foliage?"

"It's possible." She tried to answer while continuing forward.

"It's also possible there're just two elephants having a cheeky snog, right?"

"Not as possible." She gave up and stopped.

"But still possible? Because I'm not sure I know how to prepare myself for a battle with a top level tyrant. I've only got a stick. Don't we need guns the size of planets to deal with this kind of thing?"

"If it makes you feel better then yes, it's probably just elephants snogging."

"You see I'm fine with that. If a top level tyrant happens to jump out on us then I'll deal with that there and then. I just don't want to anticipate it." Brick prepared his stick, even though he had no idea how to prepare one or even what they were about to do. "Come on then. Follow me." He ploughed into the forest regardless, quickly chased by Dandara who had been determined to lead. Team Tranquil were left alone and curious.

"Does anyone actually know what the signal we're waiting for will consist of?" Bobby continued exploring flowers through his nose whilst asking Jam and The Magwanvu.

"The thing will go off. Won't it?" The Magwanvu threw out something resembling an answer. "Care to elaborate on 'the thing'?" It had words with itself. "I'd love to......But you don't know what 'the thing' is do you? Not exactly. Then why say anything? Because I thought somebody should say something. You've made us look stupid now. Of course, 'now' we look stupid, because normally we look tip top sane. We'd look more sane if you stopped speaking. Do you know what the signal is Jam?" One part of the being tried to divert attention away.

"Is it the thing that will notify us to go and help?"

"Well done Jam. Good to see you're paying attention." Bobby felt Jam deserved praise for effort at least.

"Cheers. Anytime you're stuck feel free to ask. I'm full of interesting information. You know there's no such thing as a useless fact. There's only a useless time to introduce it to a conversation. That statement is in itself a demonstration of the very point I was trying to make. Are we in a jungle, because if we are I feel the need for an interesting hat? The jungle is made for the wearing of interesting hats. See that is an entirely useless fact in any other situation except this one right now."

"Is it any surprise we were left behind?" The Magwanvu wasn't expecting an answer. "It's no surprise you were left behind." It got one anyway. "Don't you talk to me about......."

Sid had no comprehension of the elite task force heading in his direction. If he had he'd be on the phone ordering an extra portion of complacency to go with his tea.

Contents
Chapter Thirty Nine

"How useful were those sticks for clearing through the undergrowth? I may have to ring Chris. Once he invents the phone." Brick marvelled at his multi-purpose tool.

"Ssssssh. They might hear us." Dandara lay down behind a mound. She invited Brick to join her hidden position. Spiritwind and Bettina were already there.

"Who, the elephants?" Brick whispered his way to the group.

"No, those two." Dandara pointed towards the picnicking couple.

"Look at that hamper. I bet they've got pork pies and everything." Spiritwind only had eyes for one part of the scene.

"He looks familiar. Ow, oooh." Brick rolled on to his stick causing indescribable pain. He moved it to one side and strained for a better look.

"You always say that." Spiritwind took out his own pork pie in sympathy.

"Say what, ow and oooh in response to incredible pain?" Brick wanted his agony acknowledged.

"No. For that you usually weep. You always think people look familiar."

"I think you'll find my tear ducts are connected to neither my emotions nor pain sensors. They are only available for the practical purpose of cleansing the eye."

"He does look familiar actually." Bettina couldn't help but agree.

"Don't encourage him." Spiritwind found a Scotch egg as a side.

"I do like it when you're forceful Spiritwind. It suits you." Bettina gazed straight into Spiritwind's eyes. The comment was enough to stop the bald hero mid-bite.

"I do know him. It's......thingy, that bloke. Red tights, everyone loves me. He gave us a lift." Brick almost fell off the mound.

"Hugo Cortizone? What would he be doing here?" Spiritwind joined the squinted view everyone had adopted.

"It would appear our saviour has a cheeky bachelor pad out here in the ether. All this time we've been running around saving the universe and he's here wooing some harlot. I should go over there and have a word, but I won't. Don't want to blow the mission. Knowledge is power and all that, and we know what he's up to, but he doesn't know that we know. Sorry. I'll shut up." Brick said the first thing he thought, as per usual.

"Has he changed his hair? I'm sure it was more structured last time." Spiritwind couldn't believe Brick was right.

"I think his hair's lovely." Bettina fell into the swoon most women do upon seeing Hugo. Spiritwind's doubts that she really liked him were confirmed. He sighed an expectant sigh and bit into his Scotch egg.

"That's strange. The sensors say that maiden should be far bigger than she is." Dandara raised a technology evoked concern. Spiritwind ignored it and ploughed into speculation.

"What if Hugo's here because he's the big bad guy behind all this? Nobody would suspect Hugo. And he could claim to have solved it. It's a classic inside job."

"I knew perfection like that couldn't occur twice." Brick shook his fist in disappointment.

"Twice?" Dandara had to ask. Even she dropped her size oriented query in order to hear the answer.

"Once." Brick pointed towards Hugo. "Twice." And back to him.

"They're packing the stuff away." Bettina had become transfixed by every inch of the ultimate hero. She didn't want him to leave so soon after coming in to her life.

"They haven't eaten half those sandwiches." Spiritwind's upset over Bettina found a new target.

"Why is she blindfolding him?" Bettina grew overprotective as she watched Dollop return Hugo's mask to his face.

"Why is he letting her?" Dandara was more practical about the affair.

"Oh to be blindfolded by such a lady." Brick's inner desires poked out.

"So it's a weird man thing?" Dandara took the answer with the scorn she felt it deserved.

"Why would you leave sandwiches?" Spiritwind couldn't understand.

The teams continued to observe as the maiden led Hugo towards a specific tree. Positioning Hugo against the bark the maiden stepped back and yawned, the afternoon beverages had induced sleepiness. As Dollop threw in an accompanying stretch one of the buttons on the back of his dress popped open to reveal a bulge of monster skin trying to break free. The henchman reached around and stuffed the offending slab of back, inside. Fastening the button he continued.

"That's no maiden!" Dandara added the knowledge of this new discovery to the earlier scanner readings. "Something is not as it seems."

"I don't care what's under that dress. She is lovely." Brick gurned wantonly.

Dollop reached into a hole in the tree and spun it with a force that made no sense from such arms. Upon reaching a required speed the foliage at the top of the oak descended and rose again in an instant. Neither figure remained.

"Have they gone up into the branches or is something else going on? That looked like they were sucked up into the branches didn't it?" Brick grasped for understanding as his fluttering heart eased. Perhaps it was indigestion rather than love. It wouldn't be the first time he'd mistaken the two.

"I guess that's what we'll have to go and find out. I'll call for back up." Dandara spoke into her cufflinks, causing a reaction back at Noel Hill.

****************

Team Tranquil were lazing around, misinterpreting everything that moved as potentially being the signal. When it arrived it couldn't have been clearer.

"Excuse me. Are you Team Tranquil?" Spanish Counterpart used its new voice and polite manner to speak to the remaining heroes. "If you are then this is the signal you've been waiting for. It's time for you to go and join the others. Head into the forest at the same point they did and follow the beaten path to its natural conclusion. They will be waiting. And don't forget your sticks. Thank you."

"Did anyone else just see that branch move in a suggestive manner?" Jam didn't wait for confirmation. "I may have read it wrong, I'm new to reading branch signals, but I'm sure it suggested we should follow the beaten path through the forest and to the others."

"Did it also remind us not to forget our sticks?" The Magwanvu attempted mockery.

"You did see it. For a moment there I thought I was going crazy." Jam picked up his stick and got ready for the forest. The Magwanvu could only shake its heads. You can't mock the unaware.

The short jaunt through the forest was followed by the minimal excursion over the mound and to the tree Hugo and Dollop had disappeared under. Mild greetings were exchanged as the team became one once more.

The hole Dollop had reached into had been found. Any attempts at generating the speed required to move the foliage had been thwarted. The mechanism was just too heavy. Sitting and staring at the tree had become the plan, a plan that gave Spiritwind an idea.

"If we put a stick into the hole we could use the leverage of a few people pushing at once."

"That is an option." Brick wanted to be involved. He thought feverishly to try and push the plan further.

"And if The Magwanvu did the pushing it would be in perfect synchronicity, keeping the momentum consistent." Spiritwind couldn't stop being brilliant. "Would you be prepared to try that?" He turned to the triple man in question.

"Of course." No argument followed as The Magwanvu stood, walked to the hole, jammed their stick in, and proceeded to run. Everybody stood at the edge of their sprinting circle. After numerous laps The Magwanvu pulled their stick free and stumbled towards the group. The collective scooped them up, moved towards the trunk and waited. The sudden noise and deluge of foliage suggested something had happened. Its hasty disappearance allowed debate over exactly what.

"Were we just attacked by a tree?" Brick checked all his body parts.

"I think eaten may be more apt." Spiritwind checked his snacks.

"We're definitely inside something." Dandara checked her surroundings.

"You look nice with a twig in your ear." Bettina checked out Spiritwind.

"I need a drink." And Jam checked his hip flask.

Bobby helped The Magwanvu to its collective feet. Everyone else scanned the area they were in, for clues.

"Is this what the inside of a tree looks like? It's very roomy." Brick went for the obvious.

"I get the feeling we're underground." Dandara applied thought and sense to the obvious.

They were stood in a long corridor, the kind usually kept in hospitals as a way of getting around. Further along it could be seen to branch off in three directions. Behind them, and to the right and left, stood walls, leaving forward as the only option.

"Typical bad guy architecture: forcing the invading heroes to split up, just as I expected. Me and Bettina will take the left corridor, Team Titanium go for the middle, and Team Tranquil go right." Dandara was relishing the leadership role she'd procured.

"Isn't now the time to call for back up? So they can arrive just in time in case this all goes wrong. To be fair I never really expected to end up this involved in the actual saving of the universe." Brick raised his concerns.

"How much more back up do you need?" Dandara gestured towards the group. She desperately wanted the glory.

Brick turned to survey Dandara's idea of heroic success: Spiritwind was mopping up a kebab spillage from his t-shirt, Jam was giggling at his hand moving back and forth in front of his face, Bobby sang to himself while testing the smoothness of the floor with his cheek, and The Magwanvu repeatedly hit the person nearest to it on the back of the head.

"Maybe just a little bit." Brick had to answer honestly.

"I don't think you're grasping the opportunity we have here. We could save the universe, the whole thing. That means the rest of your life off if you want. You'll be busy appearing on chat shows, maybe even ours, invited to all the free parties, lots of attention from the opposite sex." Dandara tried to raise one eyebrow while nodding. It was an unfortunate time to discover she had no recognisable eyebrow control. "If you want to call back up and hand all those rewards over to some other hero then fine, you can even use my cufflink to make the call."

"I understand. There's no need to keep pulling faces at me." Brick had no other interpretation for Dandara's face wrestling. "To be fair the life off part was enough. Ladies attention is obviously a nice bonus but some of us don't need heroics for that kind of power." Brick winked at Dandara. She was busy trying to make her eyebrow move upwards alone. "I guess we'll get going down our tunnel then. Come on Spiritwind." Brick ushered Spiritwind along. The rest of the group followed.

"I've only lost that bit of tomato I'd been saving. I'm a bit distressed about it if I'm honest." Spiritwind had other concerns.

The teams split at their respective corridors, heading into the darkness and towards destiny. Certainty was nowhere to be seen as the final confrontation loomed, although certainty was renowned for his lack of punctuality and could have just been running late.

Contents
Chapter Forty

Team Tranquil weren't entirely sure what they were meant to be doing, but they'd been given a direction and were determined to follow it. Between them they'd saved three planets from destruction with an equal level of cluelessness, so why shouldn't they succeed again?

Sandbag was one reason why not, and he'd already been alerted to the faint whiff of hero in the musty corridor air. Sid had instructed him to take the floor-waxer around the whole Underground Tower. Its' inappropriate size for a giant had left Sandbag with backache from leaning over. The wires that attempted to trip him at every opportunity had merely fuelled his rage.

Team Tranquil turned the latest corner in their meandering mission, oblivious to the presence of the irritated beast. They were the perfect vent for his frustrations, especially after walking directly into him.

"WHO ARE YOU?" Capital letters don't do the power of the voice justice.

"Surveyors.....of some sort. We're here to survey." The Magwanvu answered out of instinct after first stepping back in shock. For once the comment didn't require in depth analysis from itself.

"You smell like heroes." The whispered voice held more threat than the shout.

"That's because.......we survey heroes. Terrible smell, gets all over the clothes." The Magwanvu continued valiantly.

"Just the five of you then? Let's get this over with." Sandbag had no intention of listening and threw a right hook straight into Mag-Wanvu's face. Part of the triple person flew away down the corridor. A left hook sent Ma-Gwanvu after him, and a swift kick completed the hat trick as Magwan-Vu joined the air. Sandbag turned to Jam and enforced a headlock. Meanwhile the default return setting kicked in on The Magwanvu: should all three separate they are returned to the last point they were together.

"Is this real? I'm not sure this can be a real event occurring to me right now." Jam put up no physical resistance, preferring to hide in confusion. "If this is real then it's definitely no fun. I don't want to do it again."

"There really is no need for such hostility. What are you truly achieving except the spread of hatred and violence? You should try to deal with your frustrations rather than imposing them upon those around you." Bobby tried the verbal approach as The Magwanvu reappeared exactly where he started. Neither he nor Sandbag was happy about it.

"So, you're back?" Sandbag released the headlock from Jam and repeated his combination of punches and a kick, only in a different order.

"If I could just have a second to get my head around thi...." Jam's release was brief as the headlock returned. "....okay so there's no time to think. I understand." Sandbag jumped up and down to accentuate the lock. "And now we're jumping."

The Magwanvu's inevitable return gave Jam another rest as the cycle repeated itself.

"Don't think you can talk your way out of this. Even with that stupid grin. You're next." Sandbag stared at Bobby while continuing to bounce.

As The Magwanvu repeatedly flew through the air it began thinking of a way to break the chain of recurring events. With sticks still in hand they agreed that next time they appeared they should attack as one, hopefully distracting Sandbag long enough to flee. Retreat can be brave they told themselves, and an honourable act. To rise above such base violence is the way of the real hero.

Unfortunately the plan took a little longer to execute than intended. Co-ordination and timing took a few goes to work out. Four attempts later, with Jam sat in a dizzy heap on the floor and Bobby running around Sandbag's legs imparting mantras of peace and wisdom as he went, The Magwanvu's plan came together.

"GO." Swinging downwards in perfect triplicate, Sandbag was caught thoroughly by surprise. Peering between his legs to catch Bobby had exposed the top of his head. The confusion of finding himself under attack left the beast unsure who to focus his next attack on, Bobby or the sticks. The delay in deciding left him open to nine cracks on the skull, but with the decision made he reacted.

Sandbag batted the sticks away with a wisp of his hand that he usually reserved for annoying flies. It was time for phase two of the hero's plan: "RUN." The Magwanvu instructed Bobby and Jam of their intention.

The heroes scrambled back the way they had come. Even Jam in his delirious state understood what was needed of his legs, whether the events were real or not.

By the time Sandbag realised what had happened the heroes were around the corner and setting a useful pace. He followed with an extra bout of anger.

"Does anyone know where we're going?" Bobby clung to his hat as he proved short legs bear no relation to achievable speed.

"Anywhere that monster isn't." The Magwanvu had done well to still be standing after such a beating. The benefits of a chrome head were finally paying off.

"So that was definitely real?" Jam rubbed his neck as it burnt from the repeated headlocks.

"The punches felt real enough to warrant a retreat." The Magwanvu didn't want to continue testing.

"If it was real I feel obliged to let you know he's closing in on us. Even if he isn't real he's still closing in on us." Jam waffled as Sandbag drew near.

"Round here." The Magwanvu led the team around a further corner and stopped running. "I've got a plan."

"I'm not sure stopping is wise." Bobby took the opportunity to take a firmer grip on his hat. Jam continued jogging on the spot.

"But this is very wise." The Magwanvu listened intently at the corner, crouched on one knee and sticks held in a baseball bat fashion.

"NOW." The trio swung into the corridor, striking Sandbag's running knees and sending him hurtling through the air. The monster turned to the open mouthed heroes as he flew past, cursing each and every one of them as their surprised faces gawped back. Realising it would be a good time to continue escaping they turned and ran.

Sandbag stayed in the air for long enough to worry if he'd ever land; however gravity was not a forgetful force and slowly reeled him in to the shiny floor. Landing in a perfect roll the approaching wall looked on. It had no such fancy manoeuvres to avoid an eleven foot creature with no power over his momentum. It did the only thing it could and collapsed around him.

After several pensive moments Sandbag rose from the rubble, furious and dusty. Spitting out a chunk of wall he continued his pursuit.

Team Tranquil had found their way back to the initial corridor they'd been in and instinctively fled up the furthest path, the one Dandara and Bettina had set out to explore. A minute later Sandbag appeared, sniffing violently and thinking thoughts even cruelty found shocking. Regaining the scent he shot off to join the growing party, not thinking to take a bottle of wine and a cake.

Contents

Chapter Forty One

"Exposed pipes are the next big thing in interior design, apparently; especially the large, rusting style, supposed to be industrial chic." Bettina continued to relay her home fashion knowledge to the mission focused Dandara. "Dripping is an added feature, but of course for that you need an equally classy receptacle to catch them in, a porcelain unicorn bathing in a lake perhaps."

The pair continued to wander down their designated corridor. The hospital nature of their surroundings had ended abruptly and become more sewer-like in design, only without the obligatory three feet of water and rats. The dimensions were also vastly bigger. Its circular nature could hold two double-decker buses, one atop the other, with ease.

"Maybe you should tell the bad guy his base is incredibly fashionable. It may serve as compensation after we foil his mission." Dandara's mind was solely on their objective.

"I'm sure he knows. In my humble experience these megalomaniac types are highly vain. It's what drives them to chase such achievements."

"Are you saying people are driven to megalomania because they want the nicest house in the street?" Dandara stopped walking to give her full energy to accentuating her point.

"Strictly speaking the average megalomaniac wants all the houses in the street, thus eliminating the competition, but I think if you extract the base emotion behind such behaviour you'll find I have a point."

"Well thank you Bettina Freud." Dandara returned to purposeful walking.

"Maybe we could do a spread on this place when we get our chat show?" Bettina already had a feature in mind: Baddy Base-Overs.

"What's that?" Dandara raised her hand in a manner suggesting they stop. Peering into the darkness a trickle of sound emerged, followed quickly by the stirring of movement. The heroes scuttled forward to hide behind an industrial sized horizontal pipe.

"It's them." Dandara whispered as clarity emerged from the darkness. Two figures could be made out. It was the maiden leading the still blindfolded Hugo. Laughter could be heard between them.

"Should we shout Hugo, let him know the danger he's in? He may kiss us as thanks." Bettina's libido spoke.

"Maybe we should follow them first. See where they're going." Dandara's suggestion was definitely more sensible, although lacking in personal reward.

The heroes continued to follow the pair around several dank corners at a pace most would consider frustrating, until the henchman and ultimate hero stopped to face a wall. Dollop reached out a fair hand towards a door and gripped the handle firmly, stopping before pulling and turning his head towards the heroic pair.

"Has she spotted us?" Why Bettina thought Dandara could answer such a question was beyond anyone.

"I hope not, but she's only small. I'm confident we can take her down if we need to." Dandara avoided the easy sarcasm.

"She might be small but what about the lizard thing that's inside the dress?"

"Now isn't the time to bring up confidence depleting practicalities."

The sound Dollop had heard grew until the two crouched ladies also picked it up. A scuttling noise approached from behind, causing the duo to turn.

"Fayre, is something wrong?" Hugo sensed something occurring.

"Not at all, just struggling to find the key within all these folds." Dollop remained focused on the tunnel while fluffing his dress to maintain the pretence. It didn't take long for a series of shadows to join the sound he'd heard.

Dandara and Bettina didn't have the cognitive skills to work out what was going on and comment on it at the same time. It had been such a ridiculous few days they were both permanently bewildered. By the time their brains had realised the shadows were Bobby, Jam and The Magwanvu sprinting past, Team Tranquil had already strayed into the grasp of Dollop.

"And who may you be?" Dollop still sent out an intimidating glow, even from within the maiden's dress. Team Tranquil stopped immediately.

"We're.......very.....tired......surveyors." The Magwanvu tried his cover story for the second time.

"At least it's not another terrifying creature." Jam took as much solace as he could from the situation.

"You smell like heroes to me. So I'll ask again...." Dollop's henchman instincts over-rode his sense as he reached around the back of his dress and tore his disguise in half, leaving the shell of Fayre Maiden as a puddle at his feet. His humongous frame flexed as he repeated the question. "WHO ARE YOU?" The intimidation level increased to somewhere beyond 'leave the country in panic'.

"Well that's ruined everything for me." Jam had no solace left to hide in.

"Is anything I say going to avoid me getting punched?" The Magwanvu accepted the inevitable.

"Dollop, let me." Sandbag arrived on the scene, removing excess dust from his body with little more than a flex of various muscles.

Hugo's curiosity could not be quelled with a simple don't worry. He peered from beneath his blindfold. The first sight to strike was that of his beloved maiden as nothing more than deflated skin. The second was the imposing Dollop nearby. The sharp intake of breath sucked anything smaller than a boulder towards him. Confusion rushed forth, poking his mind and searching for the keys to the memory that had been clouded by the peace compound. Stumbling around the truth began to trickle back. Hugo held his head and slid against the wall, trying to understand the flood of thoughts and realisations that rushed by.

Meanwhile Team Tranquil cowered between Dollop and Sandbag.

"I have unfinished business with these five." Sandbag stepped forward, rolling up an imaginary sleeve as he approached. "It hardly seems fair, us two against these five. You should have brought a couple of armies, fellas."

"Make that seven." Dandara stood from behind the pipe. Bold but plan-less.

"Why would you do that?" Bettina wasn't impressed but stood slowly, still remonstrating. "We could have stayed hidden and worked out a plan. Now we're just going to get battered."

"Heroic impulse?" The apologetic tilt of the mouth didn't make up for it.

"You use that far too often as an excuse."

"Seven it is then." Dollop agreed to take on the two ladies. It was something to do.

Hugo however had other ideas. He'd been piecing together the clues. The seemingly violent nature of Fayre's demise had broken the peace spell and now reality flooded back like an unwanted waterfall, mocking his naivety further with each returning drop. He recognised Sandbag from the hill he'd been captured on. He'd been duped by the two beasts, but why did they have to kill his beloved. It became too much for the ultimate hero. His intervention would be the first instalment of a payback that would never be settled.

"Nooooooooooooo." Hugo let out a cry of anguish to the ceiling. His fists clenched and eyes burning through the tears, locked firmly on to their vengeful bounty. The two henchmen could only turn in shock.

Hugo wasted neither time nor the element of surprise and ran straight at Dollop. The kick to the chest caught the monster off guard, before taking him off his feet and slamming him against the wall. The cave dented on impact, spewing chunks of lining on to the floor. Sandbag threw a reactionary punch straight at Hugo's face. The hero moved to the side, catching the offending arm as it sailed past and redirecting it and the rest of the henchman's imposing momentum towards Dollop, with some added impetus from the hero. Sandbag flew towards his cohort, striking the same wall head first.

"Find yourselves a safe spot. I'll deal with this." Hugo directed the other heroes. The two guardians of evil stood and reset themselves. The lycra clad chunk of good couldn't resist a mini speech.

"For the first time in my life I'd found a soul that understood me. One that wanted to share my being, and you've stolen her future happiness from us both. How could you see such perfection and only think to destroy it?" Everything was aimed at Dollop. He had a monologue of his own to reply with.

"I didn't destroy her. Look deep into my eyes and see the soul behind my face." Hugo stared at the panting Dollop with a rage he never thought could exist. The soothing gaze that faced him reached into the heart of the hero's aggression and stroked, bringing it down to mild temperance. It was an effect only one pair of eyes had ever been able to achieve. "You recognise me don't you? Admit what your heart sees before it." Dollop could see Hugo's confusion.

Hugo's mind battled the thought, the notion. How? Why? How again, it was a very pertinent question? Had the beast eaten her soul? It was the only explanation other than a truth beyond reason.

Dollop continued to mock.

"It's okay to speak. After all you are the ultimate purveyor of truth. Say what you know, what you see to be the only answer: that I am your beloved. I am your Fayre Maiden." Dollop smirked with the immeasurable pleasure of a life's relief. Irrelevant of what happened next he'd won.

"LIAAAAAAAARRRR!" It was too much for Hugo.

"I didn't see that coming. You never see anything coming. You'll see my fist coming in a moment. That doesn't change the fact you never see anything else coming." The Magwanvu reverted to type under stress.

"If Hugo can love that then I must have a fairly decent chance." Bettina gestured towards her more feminine qualities.

"You wouldn't try and make this up would you? I mean it has to be real." Jam still couldn't be sure about reality.

Hugo punctuated his wail by leaping forward. Sandbag tried to protect Dollop only to be dismissed with a swiftly broken wrist and knockout blow. Dollop took the opportunity to grab the hero, locking the pair in a grapple of strength. Face to face they wrestled for an advantage.

"I opened my heart to you and all the time you were laughing behind that mask." Hugo's knee found Dollop's ribs.

"I never laughed in your face, even though it would have been so easy." A head-butt returned the compliment.

"Not to my face. You were too much of a coward for that. You made a fool of me." Hugo swung Dollop nose first into the wall.

"I'm no coward. For centuries I've waited for this meeting; festering my hatred for what you did." Dollop's knee contacted Hugo's jaw.

Hugo pulled Dollop's head close, speaking in a low, menacing tone. "What could I possibly have done to you?"

"You gave me this scar." Dollop lunged forward biting Hugo's one remaining nostril clean off. The hero leapt backwards in pained shock, blood trickling down into to his mouth. The remaining prosthetic nostril struggled to stay on his face. Dollop continued.

"We have faced each other from opposite sides of the universe's battle between good and evil for a time measured in the lives of planets. A battle fuelled by hatred of everything the other stands for, yet seeing you these past few days I've grown beyond such hatred. I now know the man behind the hero and I found something I never expected to see." The pause allowed everyone to question what the henchman had seen. Jam considered providing an answer before realising he'd forgotten the question.

"You and me are the same person, separated to fight without purpose. Cast to opposite sides by society and its aesthetic judgements, set on opposing paths towards our destiny. My eyes have truly been opened and now I see there's only one path, a path where we will never meet again. I thank you Hugo Cortizone. I thank you for showing me who I truly am and setting me free from the confusion that was my life. I only hope you too can one day see the truth."

Hugo listened intently, panting as he did so. Dollop could see the words seeping in to the hero's mind and making sense, and so the henchman continued. "Be honest with yourself if no-one else. What drives you to chase down evil at every turn, to relentlessly pursue dastardly behaviour wherever it rises? Where does the drive come from? The anger needed to hunt? I think you know it comes from deep down within your unsatisfied soul. We know you are the greatest hero. I had to hear the evidence spouted in that garden for long enough, but who is the man without such labels? You can destroy as many evil empires as you need but that lost feeling will never leave you, not until you can face yourself and accept you never wanted everything you are and stand for. You're living the life others have imposed upon your bulk and jaw-line. None of it is truly you. Tell me I'm wrong."

Hugo fought the words that tried to settle as sense in his mind. He'd expected the usual scrap with a number of twists and turns before his eventual victory. Henchmen weren't meant to spout monologues. It wasn't even part of the syllabus at Evil University. Hugo did what any man would and ignored all emotion and sentiment. Burying such ideas at the back of his mind he churned them straight in to anger, replying with his own one liner. "The only thing I hate is hate itself."

Nobody pointed out that this meant absolutely nothing. There wasn't time. Hugo pushed Dollop away from him then bound forward forcing all annoyance through the sole of his foot, then forcing the sole of his foot in to Dollop's chest. The henchman flew backwards with such ferocity that the entire side of the cave landed on he and Sandbag. The roof quickly followed. Hugo could only watch, a tear attempting to well behind his eye before being sucked into his emotion's unspoken memory. It came partly from the truth in Dollop's words and partly from losing a love he'd never known before. Maybe Hugo did hate the man he'd become.

Shaking off the sentiment he covered it with default heroic action and turned to the two teams.

"It's not safe here. We must leave." Hugo pointed further down the tunnel as the way they'd come from became blocked with falling debris.

"That was spectacular Mr Cortizone." Bettina introduced herself with a fluttering of the eyes and a compliment. It was the standard Hugo greeting.

"It was nothing, just doing my job." The hero choked slightly on the words, his belief waning. Peace and a new dawn had been snatched away from him, and he'd buried the one person that could console him under half a cave. "We must continue until the fight is won. It's our duty, as heroes."

Hugo spoke the words for himself as much as the fawning group. Turning back he peered through the dust at the pile of rocks. Only a loving whimper made it from his lips. The rest of the heroes continued into the darkness unsure where they were going, only Jam didn't know where they'd just been.

Contents
Chapter Forty Two

"Of course the secret to women is that there is no secret, but if you ever let a woman know that you know there is no secret she'll instantly create one and have you trying to work out what it is. If there was a secret, which there isn't, that would be it, but there isn't one, so it's all futile." Brick spoke as though he made perfect sense.

"How does that help me again?" Spiritwind felt sure that wasn't the answer to his current predicament with Bettina.

"It doesn't, but it does help me get my head around things a little better. Do you hear footsteps?"

"Only when a shoe strikes a hard surface within the vicinity of my ears."

"That's funny that. You should write it down and send it to somebody."

"Maybe I already have." The glint in Spiritwind's eye reflected nicely off the liquorice he was chewing. "Should we hide then, if someone's approaching?" Spiritwind's suggestion provoked the pair to look around the bare corridor for a suitable place to secrete them self. The emptiness shrugged back at them unhelpfully.

"We could stand and fight with our newly discovered bull punch?" Brick clenched his fist, unsure how to operate it.

"I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment. My only reservation is if the thing making the footsteps turns out to be enormous. The bull punch may become defunct."

"Well let's hide until we see how big it is." Brick put forward a compromise, which coincidentally was the same as Spiritwind's initial suggestion.

Another scan of the corridor revealed the same blatant fact as moments earlier. Spiritwind aired what he thought they'd both realised "There isn't anywhere to hide."

"The air vents?" Brick pointed to the metal tubes that hung from the ceiling. Aside from the floor and walls they were the only thing in sight.

"Noticing an air vent and placing yourself inside it are two entirely different tasks. Have you considered the practicalities of even reaching the thing?"

"Have you considered the fact that as two grade one heroes it's exactly the kind of action expected of us?"

"You think our hero powers will get us up there?" An accentuated grin and nod formed Brick's only reply. "Okay then. You know me. I'm always prepared to try."

Twelve Thirty entered the corridor to find it empty. The silver tube that ran along the ceiling concealed the two heroes that had been standing there moments earlier.

"I'm still not entirely sure how we got up here." Spiritwind dabbed at a celebratory sherbet.

"I've decided not to question it. There he is; the guy with the footsteps." Brick peered through the gaps to spy Twelve Thirty wittering, supported by his moustache. "He's about our size. We could have taken him easily."

"Is he using his moustache as a pair of legs?" Spiritwind continued with his own observations.

"We should have stood our ground."

"That's very impressive hair strength if he is. Of course it could be that his legs sprout from beneath his nose?"

"We could have carved that first notch on our hero belts. It would have been a proud moment to stand and watch evil crumble." Brick tried out a Hugo like sentence, including the wistful stare into the distance. He just felt silly. The shuffle required to pull off the stare caused considerable movement of the vent, prompting a different train of thought in Spiritwind's mind.

"Do these things definitely hold our weight? They're pretty flimsy when you look at them. And they're not attached to the ceiling by very much at all." The vent squeaked in response to the doubt.

"It seems to be holding us fine."

"I'm not sure these joints are even welded together properly. I can see right through this one."

"Let's just try and....actually you're right. How is it holding us up?"

"It's a mystery....." The sentence remained unfinished. Replaced with gulps and gasps of surprise as the vent collapsed, leaving the duo in a heap in the corridor. The doubt they raised had alerted reality to the previously cloaked actions of the heroes. Twelve Thirty responded without hesitation, turning on the pair and unleashing his moustache.

"Ow! What was that?" Brick shielded his face and backed away from the pain.

"It looked like a ginger moustache being wielded like a whip ooooh!" Spiritwind followed his friend's scuttling lead. "The dexterity of his facial hair.....crikey.....impresses me further. Yowch!"

"Break in to my dungeons will ya." Twelve Thirty continued to unleash cracks as he moved towards them at a menacingly slow pace.

"Why's he wearing a uniform from the Napoleonic era....Yelp....complete with hat?" Confusion joined Brick's agony as the pair continued to back away down the corridor.

"Why don't you ask him? It may distract him from...owwwww.....whipping. And did you just say 'yelp?"

"Yelp is a perfectly acceptable....yowser.....expression of pain. Excuse me whipping man. May I ask.....gadzooks.....why?" The punch to the face from the ball of hair was enough to prevent the question going any further.

"No luck then?" Spiritwind expected as much.

"How are you supposed to combat facial hair?" Brick scrambled for a solution. They were quickly running out of corridor to back down.

"Regular shaving and the occasional facial?" Spiritwind hoped wit may prove useful. "Wowser." It wasn't.

"Maybe we can use the gadgets Fate gave us?" Brick began pressing the buttons on his digital calculator watch. The action left his guard down and face exposed.

"I don't think long....nrrgh....multiplication is a recognised....arrrgh...fighting style."

"I think you'rrrrrre.....right. Hold on. Down here." Brick crawled to an opening at the side of the corridor and fell hopelessly down the stairs it led to. Spiritwind followed closely behind, falling equally painfully and landing in a heap on top of Brick.

"Good plan." The sarcasm didn't need to be pointed out.

"You haven't seen the rest of it yet." Brick struggled through his friend and to his feet before unleashing a few fancy hand movements he'd once seen in a film.

"What do we do now? Hit ourselves over the head with our sticks?" Spiritwind was yet to be convinced.

"No." Brick ran to the top of the stairs, his fist stretched out before him. As heroic coincidence would have it Twelve Thirty lurched into view at the perfect moment, connecting Brick's weapon with the dungeon keeper's jaw. Twelve Thirty fell back on to the floor, knocked out cold. Brick opened his eyes to see what had happened. "There you go. Who said my plans are rubbish?"

"Everyone, although well done on that one." Spiritwind picked up a dislodged doughnut as he stood.

Brick lowered himself into a seated position on the top stair, slowly and with a full grimace. "I may need a moment. My back's slightly agonising."

"No rush." Spiritwind hobbled back up to the corridor to investigate. "You've knocked him out. Properly and completely out."

"It was all part of my plan." The pained expression was presumed not to be.

"Then I repeat, good plan. Did it have to involve so much injury to ourselves though?"

"It didn't have to but we all know the ladies love a manly bruise or two."

"How do they feel about a limp and a cracked elbow?" Spiritwind joined his peer on the stair.

"They can't get enough of it." Neither looked convinced, or happy.

"Then it's a good job I've got a stick to beat them off me. I think I'm just going to lie here for a minute." Spiritwind lay back.

"Okay, but just a minute or two." Brick joined the prone posture as the pair lay for several minutes. Their hero powers would have allowed them to continue the mission immediately, fully recovering within two or three scenes, but a rest was always nice whether needed or not.

The sound of Brick's snoring awoke Spiritwind and kicked him into action.

"Should we continue?"

"Until every last inch of evil has been besmirched." Brick twitched back to consciousness with another attempt at a Hugo style rally. It still felt silly. He wasn't sure if he should do it anymore.

The pair rose in considered stages. The pain had left their bodies but not their actions. The duo eked every last drop of drama from the situation before following the staircase.

They were led through a series of corridors until eventually reaching a second set of stairs. At the top of these sat another corridor. At its end a door of imposing bulk sneered back at them.

"That's an imposing door." Brick verbalised the door's main quality.

"The kind of door a bad guy may use to conduct an evil plan from behind." Spiritwind dared to suggest.

"Maybe we should go inside and have a look rather than standing here speculating?"

"Well aren't we the practical hero?"

"Yes we are. I are. Am. Me. I'm practical me." Brick gave up on his attempts at grammar and strode towards the door, unsure of what lay behind it and therefore unable to fear it. Brick and Spiritwind's combined logic believes you can't fear what you don't know because you don't know what to be afraid of. It applied perfectly to the situation in hand as the duo crept towards destiny.

The expected creak and required strength to open the divide never came. The carpenter who hung it had aligned the balance to near perfection. Effortlessly they pushed it open a few inches, instantly seeing the tower of flickering screens. Believing stealth to be on their side they slid inside the room and stuck to the wall. The eerie atmosphere offered no warmth or humanity. It took a few moments before they even realised they weren't alone.

"There's the little metal guy." Brick pointed to a small, glistening figure at the bottom of the tower of screens. Sid was focused on one image in particular, clapping giddily and hopping with delight in front of it.

"Goooooooood. This is excellent." Sid responded to the screen showing Dave Normal, the emotional centre of the universe. He'd decided to stay in bed for the day rather than work. Things were running exactly to plan.

Sid had sensed Brick and Spiritwind entering. He could smell Spiritwind's selection of pastries. Handing them the belief they had the upper hand Sid peered into the darkness and called out. "Dollop, Sandbag. Is that you?"

"What do we do?" Brick whispered to Spiritwind.

"I'm not entirely sure. I suspect he knows we're not really his friends."

"Do evil bad guys have actual friends or merely people who are nice to them out of fear?"

"Everyone needs at least one friend. There must be bad guy conferences or something." Spiritwind wondered if they needed temporary stewards at such a thing. It would be as interesting a job as anything else they'd ever done.

"Whoever's there should be aware I know karate." Sid continued to play it fearful, squinting to try and make out anything of use. He'd written off the possibility he was about to attacked by a giant pie and iced finger, a scenario the odours continued to suggest.

"I refuse to believe he's scared." Brick remained nonchalant and cynical.

"I agree. I'm not sure how we can use that presumption to our advantage though."

"Maybe we should step out of the darkness and pretend to be bold. Make him believe we've fallen into his trap?"

"Then what?"

"I'll show you." Brick stepped forward without further consultation. Spiritwind was curious to see where it led.

"Okay evil, bad guy. We're here on the authority of the Hero's Council to force you to stop whatever it is you're up to with all these really cool television screens. Have you seen these telly's?" Brick completely lost his train of thought as he wandered towards the tower of screens. Spiritwind followed. Sid wasn't sure what to do, so observed.

"That's incredible. Like reality, only shrunk and stretched out across a mirror of truth." Spiritwind instinctively retrieved a bag of pick and mix in response to the cinema setting. The pair were mesmerised, scanning as many screens as their eyes could handle. Sid waited cautiously, wondering if it was a clever trap. After several minutes the bad guy grew tired and reverted to the script he'd expected to play out.

"So you dare to come in to my secret chamber to face the wrath of...."

"Do you mind? We're trying to watch this." Brick looked for a chair while rebuking the stunned Sid.

"Oh I'm ever so sorry. Would you like me to leave my number and you can phone me when you're ready?" Sid hid in sarcasm.

"That would be ideal. Just do it quietly though." Brick's eyes remained glued to the images before him.

"Sid pushed a button on the forearm of his armour. The lights came up to confrontation setting: the room remained dark overall, still plenty of seedy corners to hide in, and searching for a black button on the floor would be a chore, but pockets of light gave enough illumination to swap monologues.

"Look at that." Brick had only one response. "Even with the lights on the picture quality has barely diminished."

Sid's entire body clenched with anger, his armour taking on a red tint, although that may have been a side effect of the lighting. Spiritwind noticed the growing tension in the evil doer.

"That can't be good for the blood pressure. Would a cola bottle calm you down?" Spiritwind could only offer a near empty bag of sweets as a solution.

"There are people in my dungeons that did nothing more than comb their hair in a manner I found offensive, and yet you two stand here and don't even beg for your lives?"

"We've got our lives though. Why would we beg for something we already have?" Brick missed the point.

"I'd beg for a chocolate cake the size of a house." Spiritwind thought out loud.

"Oh you'll beg. They all do." Sid clasped his helmet and slowly removed it from his body. There would be no gentle introduction to the fear. The two humans were going to get the full dose.

The closer the helmet came to full removal the darker the room became. A draught grew into a breeze, swirling towards wind status.

"He's got no head." Brick peered into the dark void where a face should have been.

"It looks good though. I like the blue flickers of electricity, adds a nice touch to the overall effect. And this wind appears to be coming from his very face, probably done with mirrors and pulleys." Spiritwind pondered out loud.

"FEEL MY TERROR." Sid opened his arms, the wind strengthening and the electric flickers flashing more potently across the little man's entirety. Brick and Spiritwind remained unimpressed. "Why do you not cower? Where is the uncontrollable fear coursing through your veins and infecting your souls for a time measured in the lives of stars?"

"A man with no head just isn't that scary." Brick had a simple answer.

"As a show it's fairly impressive but it looks like a simple trick of the light." Spiritwind viewed Sid from various angles, trying to work out the secret.

An unfortunate poet had once described the effect of Sid as: 'A dark void sucking all semblance of joyous consciousness deep within its grasp. Picking away at each insecurity like a cheap lock and leaving one's very fabric of being exposed to wither away and die as everything you once were is scattered throughout an endless universe of worry and terror'. It was exactly this kind of over the top nonsense that had caused him to be locked up and subjected to an eternal stream of soapy water directly on to his eyeballs. Although it had been fair to say his poem about a rabbit's day in a field of barley had been a little too dramatic, he'd somewhat missed the true horror of Sid's exposed entity, but he was fairly new to the poetry game and still had a lot to learn.

Sid was completely aware of how terrifying he was making his confusion over Brick and Spiritwind's laid back response all the more disconcerting. Without a back-up plan Sid could only intensify his efforts. The room darkened further, the wind approached the beginnings of a storm, and the blue flickers leapt out to within an inch of Brick and Spiritwind's features.

"Looks like he's building to some form of crescendo." Brick raised his voice to be heard above the wind.

"I think he'll take off and do a little spin. Wire works very popular in live theatre at the moment." Spiritwind offered his own idea.

"I'm not sure there's enough wire in the world to reach that ceiling." Brick looked up, and up, and up into the endless nothing. "I think a large mammal will appear from nowhere."

"For the amount of effort he's putting in surely only a Blue Whale would suffice?"

"He's clearly a dedicated professional and a veritable slave to his art. I think we should respect his work and await the pay off." Brick folded his arms and waited.

Brick and Spiritwind's ability to withstand Sid's power would be considered a mystery by everyone, but the duo didn't even question it. It was this very approach to Sid and life that allowed them to stand and watch rather than disappear into their own cowering minds for eternity.

Irrational fear requires time and space in the mind, a place to sit and be nurtured by ones own thoughts. Feeding on attention it builds, growing stronger and deeper rooted with every passing moment until it paralyses the body and leaves the mind trapped in a loop of unfounded concern. Brick and Spiritwind lived according to throwaway philosophy and fantastical notions of reality. When it came to fear they preferred to wait until it became a tangible object that could be assessed on its own merits rather than believing the propaganda that invariably created the majority of the sensation.

The fact that the two heroes with exactly this mindset had stumbled upon a tyrant whose greatest, and only true weapon, was rendered powerless against such an attitude may appear an outlandish coincidence, but the fortunate coincidence is the hero's greatest asset. Having him as a close friend can only help.

"What if this light show is an elaborate distraction and the bad guy's slipped out the back of the suit and is on his way to Rio?" Brick had a thought.

"Are you suggesting we apprehend him mid show?" Spiritwind crushed his empty pick and mix bag in heroic fashion. Not wanting to be a litter lout he stuffed it into his pocket.

"To be honest I just want to try out me bull punch again." Brick held up his fist.

"Can you use a bull punch on a guy with no head?"

"Maybe we should test it on the bloke with no head but ten feet yonder?" A nod and step forward suggested they were on. As they did Spiritwind's eyes rebuked Brick for a further failed effort to use olde English.

Brick cleared his throat and put on his best heroic, gravel voice. They hoped the bull punch wasn't a joke and Twelve Thirty simply had a glass jaw.

"So we have to settle this the old fashioned way." Sid saw the pair coming and realised that for whatever reason his efforts at inducing terror were futile. The little megalomaniac quickly improvised a plan B. Lowering his outstretched arms he raised his fists in a boxing manner, skipping in front of the pair. The wind died down to an irritable draft, the blue flickers continued to flash across Sid's armour.

"I thought you knew karate?" Brick held his own fist as though it were a plate of chips being delivered in the finest of restaurants.

"I have studied boxing also. A bad guy must be able to revert to any number of fighting styles." Sid continued skipping backwards towards the door.

"You seem to be employing the backing away method of combat." Spiritwind knew his martial arts, and athletics.

"It's as equally important." Sid turned, picked up his helmet and bolted for the door.

"Why's he running? I hate running. Can't he just stand still while we hit him?" Brick complained while Spiritwind gave chase, catching the little megalomaniac far quicker than expected. Sid's rushed application of his headgear had placed it an angle that left the baddie unable to see properly.

"So, Mr Bad-Guy, try and take over the universe will you?" Spiritwind looked to Brick and shrugged. The pair were new to the heroic patter world. "Will the bull punch work on someone wearing a helmet?"

Brick took the short journey to his friend, and captive. "As it's a helmet perhaps we should both strike at once? I'll swing from the left you from the right." Sid struggled like a petulant child in the grasp of the headmaster.

Spiritwind positioned himself on the opposite side. "Right, we're going to punch you in the head now leaving you unconscious for quite a while. It's not normally the way we'd behave but you have tried to take over the universe and therefore cannot be trusted while conscious."

"Your heroic patter is terrible. Are you sure you're even qualified?" Sid was unhappy with who he'd lost to.

"Yes I'm qualified. I've got a shiny card to prove it. Let me think of something then." Spiritwind stared upwards, running a few ideas through his mind. He settled on the one he liked. "Here we go. How about this: It seems your plan was flawed little man. It turned out to be A-PATHetic idea." All three cringed. "I'll work on it." The duo didn't wait any longer and punched Sid square on each side of the head, sandwiching his evil mind. Sid went limp as the door Brick and Spiritwind had carefully squeezed through blew off its hinges. Stood in the smoky aftermath were Hugo and Team Tranquil.

"That's a bit excessive. It wasn't even locked." Brick's comment was lost as Hugo played out the drama in full. He bound across the room, spouting monologues along the way.

"We may be in danger. I believe Insidious Chi is using this place as a base. I'll stay to hunt down this fearful monster. You must flee while you still have your minds." Hugo secured the area by looking around concerned.

"Hugo." Brick tried to get the hero's attention.

"There'll be plenty of time for pictures and autographs later. For now your safety is my only concern." Hugo inspected the tower of screens. "My sweet saviour this is worse than I thought. If this is what I think it is then the universe is in serious danger. This beast must be stopped." The ultimate hero slammed his fist down in heroic empathy.

"Seriously, Hugo." Brick tried again. The other two teams had made their way to Brick and Spiritwind. Hugo continued to dart around the room.

"Please. It is vital for your safety I check the perimeter." The red clad, lycra grin bound away across the wide open space.

"Who's the unconscious guy with Spiritwind?" Dandara skipped hello and went straight to questioning Brick.

"Judging from Hugo's rants, that's Insidious Chi."

"Why's he unconscious? Did he slip?"

"Slipped on to mine and Spiritwind's fist. We have vanquished he." Brick puffed out his chest.

"If you can't be honest in the face of such a simple question then I don't see the point in talking to you anymore." Dandara wasn't having it.

"You're all safe for now. The perimeter's clear." Hugo returned.

"As is our success, if anyone wishes to look with truth in their minds." Brick puffed out his chest again, this time with a waft of his hand towards Sid. Mumbles and mild discussions trickled from the group as they moved closer to see.

A gentle pang of remorse struck Hugo's heart. His chance to save the universe had slipped through his grasp once more. And all the time he'd only been down the corridor. "Good work men. That's one more in the bag for team good." Cortizone's usual enthusiasm was dampened by jealousy.

"If anyone would like to express their gratitude in physical form I'll be here, lips pursed. I'm speaking mainly to the ladies by the way, although I'll take anything I can get in these meagre times." The wink Brick threw at Dandara missed and slapped Bobby instead. The happy being was honoured, but couldn't promise reciprocation of feelings.

The others crowded around the prone Sid, the waft of a successful mission filling the air. It seemed the hardest part of the adventure was over, and even that hadn't been difficult for the Earth based duo's second adventure in a row. Maybe Brick and Spiritwind were natural heroes after all.

Contents
Chapter Forty Three

"Reality T.V on every channel. Rubbish." Brick complained at the apparent lack of quality programming on Sid's tellies.

"This machine has a purpose far beyond entertainment my fellow saviour." Hugo stepped forth, holding his well muscled and bold looking chin. "If I'm right, and I usually am, this is the mythical Machine of Emotional Alignment." Hugo remained still during one of his trademark silences. Nobody fell into the trap of questioning him about the machine. The quietness edged towards uncomfortable.

"The story goes as so." Hugo silently cursed his audience for their lack of interaction. Only Bettina appeared to even care he was there. The red outfitted hero began pacing and speaking to the air in order to deliver his tale.

"A race once existed that lived in perfect harmony with each other and the planet they occupied. The rest of the Galaxy they inhabited believed if they could find the key to such a way of living then universal peace would be a dream no more. Theories were debated, and a few egos' along with a number of faces were bruised. Things got a little out of hand and the great battles of peace erupted, but that's another story. Once settled the people forgot why they had ever been fighting, and the original, noble intention behind the research that had started such bloodshed was forgotten." A lavish spin saw Hugo turn and return towards the group. "At the other end of the universe a bored and penniless student was working on a machine that would spread his butter further and thus cover more rounds of toast per tub, another honourable quest. Yet his ambition far outweighed his skill and he failed, or did he?" Still no interaction from the audience. A further disappointed Hugo continued. "Purely by accident the student did manage to create a machine that could spread attitudes across vast distances and infinite locations." The nodding grin did nothing to entice participation. Everyone had pretty much pieced together the clues, except Jam who was still trying to piece together the ongoing plot on the television nearest to him. Hugo continued regardless of the group's realisation.

"Having recently studied the Great Battles of Peace the student saw the potential in his machine: by harnessing the attitude of the peaceful planet they could spread it to everyone in the galaxy, and eventually the universe. Acquiring a sponsor the idea took off, and for a while it looked as though Bargain Bullets galactic peace had been achieved."

"There's an 'until' coming here. I can feel it." Brick couldn't resist filling the pause.

"Until....." Hugo fulfilled the prophecy.

"What did I say?" Nobody cared.

".....the harmonious race began thinking that if the whole galaxy believed their attitude was so perfect then perhaps they should rule it. This highly egotistical attitude quickly spread through the machine, and every planet in the galaxy began invading each other in the belief they had the right to rule. It was a dark time in the history of the universe." Hugo wiped away an imaginary tear of empathy, biting his lip in a well practiced manner. "Many believed the machine had been wiped out, caught up in the destruction, yet here it stands, turned to evil on a universal scale." Hugo awaited applause. All he got was a question from an inquisitive man from Earth.

"So this one machine is bombarding every planet on these screens with apathy right now?" Brick wanted to be sure before revealing his own idea.

"Indeed it is. We must destroy it." Hugo looked for something nearby to use as a tool of destruction.

"Or." Brick took a moment to compose the room. "...we could use it to reverse the effects of apathy and the damage it's done?" Nobody had expected a stroke of genius from Brick, least of all himself. He interpreted the silence to mean he was being stupid. It was usually the case. "If that's possible of course?"

"Anything is possible my fair haired....."

"How does it spread these attitudes?" Spiritwind stopped Hugo before he could get going on a pointless anecdote and diverted the giant hero towards saying something useful instead.

"From what I can recall, which is usually everything in perfect detail, the essence of whatever is being spread is recorded upon a disc of vinyl and played through a machine with a horn of unseemly proportions." Hugo spoke while eyeing up the unconscious Sid. He'd make the perfect tool for battering the machine to bits.

"You mean something like that gramophone?" Spiritwind pointed to the record player at the base of the tower.

"Behold the source of evil." Hugo wanted to kick it really hard.

"So why don't we record a disk that contains the very antithesis of apathy?" Brick couldn't help but spill useful thoughts.

"An entirely feasible proposal, but we would need to find a being for who the idea of pointless is beyond comprehension. Who fails to grasp indifference because everything is a worthwhile action no matter how large or small. A mind that embodies the spirit of positive thought, a soul......"

Everyone had already pointed their faces at Bobby. The joyful soul was lost in his personal world of pondering. It took Hugo a moment to catch up but eventually he did. ".....I'll set up the gramophone." Hugo pulled the record player backwards. He removed the current disc and snapped it with all the venom he'd been building up inside. A stack of fresh discs sat nearby. Placing one onto the turntable Hugo flicked the button from play to record, placed the needle on the vinyl and raised an enormous thumb to let Spiritwind know he was ready.

"You know Bobby. Sometimes I can't be bothered." Spiritwind stepped back.

"Ah, Mr Spiritwind, I suppose we all feel what we feel, but I cannot profess to share such a sentiment. There is so much life and vibrancy to savour, so much emotion to feel, people to share the wonder with, things to see, time just to enjoy every breath we breathe; each one a unique experience never to be repeated." Bobby took in a deep breath and closed his eyes, focusing on each particle as it became one with his body, and for that single moment sat as the very basis of his continuing existence.

"Too often we forget that life is its own purpose. We search for meaning within nature and existence, leaning our hopes and dreams on the most insignificant of occurrences, reaching out for symbols of explanation. Why? How? What for? Curiosity has taken us far and I commend it so, but sometimes it blocks the truth: that life just is. To be a part of something so beautiful, yet so functional, as nature should be enough to stir awe within even the simplest of souls for countless lifetimes, yet we are too concerned with problems of our own making to see what sits right in front of our eyes. If you cannot be bothered young Spiritwind then you are not seeing the world as it truly is, for it overflows with intrigue and entertainment that needs little effort to discover." Bobby toyed with his amulet while speaking, growing mesmerised by its changing light.

"I've never been told off so eloquently." Spiritwind had been hit with a philosophical hammer blow. Bobby continued.

"I've sat in the same fields back home for more Jarrars (six hours) than could ever be counted, yet every day I find something new, something unseen on every previous visit. The ability to find freshness where others see stagnation is the greatest weapon our mind possesses in the battle of buoyant spirits over sullen natures. Life is not the constant high we hope it to be, and excitement doesn't lie around every corner. Entertainment comes from within, and the mind is the greatest tool for such ends when used correctly. We sit and wait for stimulation to discover us when it is a mere thought away if we allow it to be." Bobby returned his focus to the amulet.

"I've watched millions of sunbeams emerge yet every time it is a joy to behold. I'm overwhelmed by the privilege of seeing its first curious foray into the vastness of all that is, a beam containing the very power of life at its core. To watch a few simple photons emerge from the purest soil, unsure of where they are or their purpose, but not afraid. The naivety within makes them shine all the brighter, determined to illuminate the darkness that we allow into every corner of our lives. They know nothing of 'not bothered', and with an entire universe to explore who can blame them?" Bobby wound up to a crescendo. "Once unleashed their path is true and endless in their quest for that which lies ahead, never bending for any obstacle they encounter, true to their goal and spirit. Watch as this one tiny beam will illuminate the entire room."

"He's going to use the amulet to save the universe." Brick awaited the realisation of his prophecy and the ensuing gloat to his friend.

"I'm not sure the amulet is actually saving the universe." Spiritwind took the legal route.

"It's playing a big enough part to justify my smugness."

"Maybe mildly pleased."

The debate was ended by Bobby removing the cap and twisting the end of the amulet to its widest setting. The horn of the gramophone took a direct hit at full intensity, the rest of the room taking the same warmth and glow on board.

The light it created felt undeniably powerful, far beyond the usual sixty watts, although its soothing nature belied its strength. The gentle heat eliminated all ill will the room had held, the corners becoming no more sinister than a pile of sleeping kittens resting on daisies. Even the dust that had previously threatened danced playfully in the light.

The gathering of heroes sighed a relief of a thousand concerns escaping. Reality and its problems brushed aside and replaced by the suggestion their dreams were a mere sniff away. Spiritwind pulled out an ice cream and wished he'd brought his deckchair after all.

Time passed, immeasurable through the distortion of pleasure, before Bobby replaced the cap and returned the room to its previous light setting. It took a moment for everyone to snap back. Hugo became the first to reanimate.

"I think that should do it." Switching the record button to play, Hugo wheeled the gramophone back into place, set the needle and waited. Several minutes passed while everyone awaited an explosion or some other such symbolic action.

"It's worked on him." Dandara had been watching the golden screen of Dave Normal. From hiding beneath the covers he'd sat bolt upright, checked the clock, had a stretch, did a meagre amount of poor sit ups, and headed to the bathroom.

"Is that conclusive proof? Grape anyone?" Spiritwind had two questions.

"If I remember rightly...." Hugo had more to share.

"Isn't that usually the case?" Brick couldn't resist a little mockery.

"Well I'm not one to brag but it has been said by others. You must be a real fan to know such things. Here." Hugo whipped out a signed photo from beneath the lycra. Brick held the image carefully between two fingers before passing it to Bettina. Her enthusiasm for the object was clear.

"As I was saying, wherever emotions gather there has to be a centre. An amalgamation of all those feelings averaged out and mapped on to one poor individual. Every room, house, street, district, city, county, planet, solar system, galaxy and even the universe itself has such a thing." Everybody except Hugo could see the list had gone beyond exhaustive. "The Machine of Emotional Alignment is programmed to find that person within the area you are working and display them upon a screen of splendour. I propose this man is that centre. We should honour his sacrifice." Hugo closed his eyes, clenched his fist, and buried his head deep into his chest. Nobody joined him.

"So if his apathy levels are decreasing then that would suggest the universe's are too. And we've saved all that is." Spiritwind simplified Hugo's speech. "Again." The bald man recounted the fact they'd already saved the universe once by beating Sid.

"It seems our job here is done." Hugo repeated Spiritwind's sentiment, only in a professional hero fashion. "I must call my ship and alert it to my location upon this planet of devilry. Whilst on my cufflink I can inform the Hero Council of our success. If we're all agreed? Good." Hugo twitched into a stance as stable as the boldest bridge.

"So that's it?" Brick had expected more.

"Indeed. The universe is safe once more." Hugo couldn't help himself, which was a real shame, and flicked his hair to the left. The others spoke between themselves. Hugo had become a pantomime aside, prancing around behind them. Even Bettina began to see the emptiness behind the suit.

"That's nearly as big an anticlimax as it was saving the Earth. I thought there'd at least be a self destruct mechanism we'd have to flee from. Timer running down, ceilings and floors collapsing, I realise ceilings and floors are the same thing only from different perspectives by the way, gaps of leap-able but impressive dimensions, but nothing." Brick imagined jumping around the corridors, attacked by varying sizes of debris.

"We could pretend if you want?" Bettina adopted a running stance.

"I'm not sure it would be the same. Plus I'd rather not run if at all necessary. Thanks for the offer though."

"Maybe a grape would cheer you up?" Spiritwind still had half a bag left.

"How? Is it going to tell me a joke?"

"This is Hugo Cortizone calling Velos 19." Hugo's voice dominated the room. A thud was followed by speech.

"Oooh Sylvia's fainted. Is there a first-aider in? I'll take this call for her if you ring for one. Good darnum, hero. My name's Envelope and I'll be taking your call today. I must warn you our bold conversation may be recorded for the purpose of training and for any legal disputes which we may wish to win, which we will."

"This is Hugo Cortizone."

"Mr Cortizone? Is that really you?" The giddiness was clear even through the miniscule speaker in Hugo's cufflink.

"Loud and clear son."

"Hee hee." Nerves got the better of Envelope. "We've been concerned sir. It's been at least a granule (a week) since you've registered saving a planet, rare for a man of your powers."

"Your concern warms my heart but the worry was in vain. I can only apologise for the wasted energy." Hugo was glad to see he still had the power to excite strangers. The three team's reaction to him had caused him some doubt. "I'm calling to break news of a wider success. Tell the universe it is safe once more. We've captured the evil monstrosity that had challenged our way of life and neutralised his plan. We need a team to come and secure the planet. I'll await their arrival while my companions deliver the body of the scoundrel."

"You've saved the universe! That's marvellous news."

"Not me, us." Hugo winked in a manner assuring he'd sort the confusion.

"HEY EVERYONE, HUGO CORTZONE'S SAVED THE UNIVERSE." The operator shouted the news to the call centre he sat in. The room whooped back as one.

"It was a team effort. Others need thanks too." Hugo's efforts at credit parity were mild at best.

"The security team's on its way. The party to welcome you back has already started."

"And my buddies?"

"Bring whoever you want. It's your party." A final whoop ended the communication.

"Those call centre guys." The smirk didn't convince anybody Hugo would be making a real effort to share the praise. "Could I just ask one favour before we set off on our separate journeys?"

"Does it involve you and me in a room with nothing but time to kill?" Bettina abandoned subtle flirting and went all out.

"I'm flattered to the core ma'am but not quite. Should anyone ask about this mission could you miss out the part where you found me having a picnic with a henchman disguised as a maiden? Could we just say we met in a corridor after both stumbling upon The Underground Tower of Crizal?"

"Let's just say once we get those grade five hero cards we're owed all will be forgotten." Dandara knew a bargaining point when she saw one.

"You're a fine lady Dandara Foxley. I'm just glad you're on my side."

"I'm with her. Not with her of course, but I can be with you." Bettina scrambled for even the slightest recognition. All she got was in the way of Hugo's concerned stare into the distance. .

"What is your problem when faced with muscle bound hunks?" Dandara had no time for her partners swooning behaviour.

"I'm not all about physical perfection." Bettina returned her scorned attention to Spiritwind. Initially wondering if what she'd said was a compliment or not the bald man felt cheap. He was clearly the back up after her lust had been spurned. The cheap sensation quickly passed as he realised he may still get a kiss out of it.

"Who will take the honour of carrying home the defeated foe?" Hugo held Sid in the air by the ankle. "You look like a strong couple of guys." Hugo plonked Sid across the shoulders of The Magwanvu. They all flinched in surprise. "I wish you well friends. See you all at the celebration." Nobody had moved making Hugo's wave look completely out of place.

"Is someone going?" Brick tried to understand.

"Us it would appear." Spiritwind checked his pocket out of habit and began walking away. The group took the hint and followed.

Jam walked at the back. Spotting Sid hanging on The Magwanvu he posed a question to the triplicate being. "Who's the guy in the suit? Is he a new member of the team?"

"This is the guy that was trying to take over the universe."

"Then shouldn't we stop him rather than helping him get away?"

"We have stopped him. Tut." One part of The Magwanvu felt it was pointless wasting their breath explaining.

"Oh good. So the universe is safe?" Jam had a quick celebration swig of his flask.

"Of this one attempted takeover yes, but you can be sure there are others waiting for their chance. Why can't you just say yes? Because he deserves to know. He'll have forgotten in a minute. That doesn't change the fact he deserves to know. You're lame. Who's lame? Him. Oh. Can we not, please? It's alright for you, you haven't just been called lame. Actually I was talking about him. Why are you calling me lame? I thought you weren't getting into this? I'm not. You just have......"

Contents
Chapter Forty Four

The dank tunnel that had seen Hugo battle Sid's henchmen was alive with dust and debris. The disrupted particles swirled, searching for a place to settle for the next few millennia. They hadn't intended to move, but when good meets evil the two forces rarely pass with a gentle nod of the head, and the previous intentions of those caught between them are rarely considered.

Good had been victorious and strode purposefully away to its next encounter. Evil had been left trapped beneath an imposing pile of rock that used to be the walls and ceiling. Within days sedentary life in the cave would settle once more, and it would again appear untouched, which suited the tunnel fine, but before it could rest there was one last commotion to be played out.

A tremble stemmed from the newly formed pile, growing in strength with each passing moment. The sound quickly translated into movement, a number of smaller rocks expressing such by tumbling towards the ground. They were quickly joined by their heftier cousin's until momentum shook the pile towards an explosion that wiped its summit clean away. In its place stood the top half of Dollop, tensing and growling in a manner reserved for battle fields and inner city town centres at weekends.

As Dollop cleared the dust from the air around him he spotted the arm of Sandbag poking free. Dragging his partner fully clear the older henchman sat atop the pile and paused, checking all his limbs were still intact and pondering his survival of such a brutal career.

"Sandbag, wake up. It was only a few rocks." Dollop offered physical encouragement in the form of a few friendly slaps around the face.

"I didn't steal your honey." Sandbag's eyes opened with a start. Remembering exactly where he was the younger personal guard reset his broken wrist and found a comfortable position for it, and him, to rest. The pair took silent stock of the day's events.

Dollop was first to break the pensive quiet. "It feels like a fitting end to my career: another defeat at the hands of Hugo Cortizone."

"Maybe Sid won?" The shared expression confirmed neither believed that could have happened.

"You must have taken a harder knock than I thought." Dollop's banter was followed by a stare towards Sid's central lair. There were no party poppers to be heard. Had the duo been sat on a beach staring out to the setting horizon many would claim the scene poetic, as they were in a damp, dusty tunnel staring at a distant and broken door most people would barely acknowledge it.

"I guess this means I'm unemployed again." Sandbag looked around for an impromptu cast and dressing for his wrist, there was only rock.

"I guess I'm officially retired." Dollop wished for a cigar, and maybe less aches around his head.

"You're still retiring. Even without defeating Hugo?"

"We've been through this. I've seen the man behind the image and he isn't a man I need to prove anything to. He's as clueless as us as to why we play this game, hiding behind labels of good and evil when in fact the majority of us are all the same. Only difference is one of us is praised for our violent lifestyle while the other is condemned. Killing Hugo wouldn't achieve anything. Let him continue in his empty life. I'll be in my hut with an inspiring view and my typewriter for allies. The only danger I wish to face from here on in is the occasional paper cut."

"I'm not a wise man Dollop, and I can't pretend I know what you're talking about a lot of the time, but I do know you'll be back. You'll miss the life. This is what we do, it's what we've always done, and it's what we always will do, and why not? It's done you no harm. Except perhaps that huge scar that misaligns your features."

"I'm not trying to influence you Sandbag. If it's your calling then follow it. I'm just sharing my thoughts. Life is nothing more than the habits we allow to engulf our days and distract us from our dreams. I lost sight of my dreams a long time ago, and I won't do that again."

"What about money?" Sandbag lined various rocks up against his arm. None showed any splint qualities.

"I might teach if my publishing career doesn't take off; always fancied imparting my wisdom to a class of willing listeners. They always need lecturers up at Evil University. Keep losing professors who slip back into their old ways." Dollop looked around as realisation of the situation grew more apparent. "We'd better continue this chat as we leave. There'll be a hero containment crew on route."

The pair struggled down from the pile. Each nursing their own individual aches they stepped tentatively to prevent further damage. Strolling away from their latest adventure, Sandbag raised a thought.

"Maybe you should try being the boss? You're good at speeches and that. I'd even give you mate's rates as a personal guard."

"No. Leadership isn't for me. I just don't have the hate inside me. I'm strictly a point and punch man, happy to pick my wage at the end of the fundle (month). Plus the hours, and the stress, then you have to face the inevitable defeat. Doesn't seem worth it."

"It's a shame. Dollop: ruler of all the lands. Has a nice ring to it."

"I quite like Dollop: he wrote that book that wasn't half bad." A satisfied smile entered Dollop's lips.

"Oh well. If you have any second thoughts you know how to contact me."

"You'll be the first to know, but don't hold your breath." The pair exchanged friendly pats on the back, causing each to cringe in pain. Dollop brushed over the agony with further chit chat. "Are you still living in the same place then?"

"Yep. It's cheap enough and it's right near the city. Plus they don't mind when I leave for months on end to work."

"It's always good to have an understanding landlord."

"I find most people understanding once I give them one of my special convincing grins." Sandbag considered demonstrating it before fearing his jaw may dislocate.

"The little perks of henchman life."

"I thought you weren't a henchman anymore?" Sandbag managed a wry smile. "Although you'll always be Dollop the henchman to me."

"A part of me always will be to myself too, but from now on it will be the part of me from the past."

The pair limped off down the corridor, offering support to each other when needed. Nostalgia fired a gentle pang of remorse at Dollop as he walked away from his old lifestyle, but the promise of the future brushed it aside leaving him impervious to its whispers. Dollop's satisfied smile and relaxed features were his only response to the watching universe. The universe translated them as a man happy with his choices.

Contents
Chapter Forty Five

The crews of The Little Tub of Fun and Spanish Counterpart stepped back into the foyer on Velos 19. Sid remained on The Magwanvu's shoulders. The scene that met them couldn't be more different from their original administration based visit. The desks were nowhere to be seen, partly through their removal but in the main due to the all consuming party that engulfed every platform except for a central plinth. Only one familiar figure stood atop it, winking and pointing at the crowd. Chieftains Desire's speed was unrivalled and Hugo had made full use of it to arrive back first.

Dandara fumed as the rest of the group stood as awkwardly as any sober, new arrival at a party in full flow. Not counting Jam who was already on his third cocktail. As they remained in gawping place a passer-by saw the chance to release a burst of drunken joy.

"Isn't it wonderful that Hugo Cortizone exists? We would truly be doomed without him. Praise Hugo and all he does." The reveller disappeared back into the crowd, decreeing his love for the lycra clad chunk at the centre of the room's praise.

"Excuse me." Dandara pulled the shoulder of the nearest person to her, spinning them round to face her. "Could I be so kind as to ask exactly what Hugo Cortizone has done to warrant his own plinth?" The sickened tone stole the pleasant intention from the words.

"He's saved the day, again. He's my hero, and I'm a hero in my own right don't you know."

"Oh really, he's saved the universe has he? Have you heard anything about an accomplice or two, or nine?"

"Dear me no, Hugo always works alone. It's his boldest asset, except perhaps for boldness itself."

"Right, we'll see about this." Dandara turned to the rest of the group. Spiritwind had found a plate of buffet food, Brick was being ignored by a woman of Amazonian stature, Bettina shrugged her understanding with a cocktail in each hand, Bobby fed off the joy of the room, Jam was dancing with somebody's back, and The Magwanvu felt pleased nobody was paying it any attention. Dandara grabbed the thrice confused hero and stormed through the crowd. The rest followed, Brick Spiritwind and Bettina acquiring and downing numerous drinks along the way.

The nature of the crowd allowed sifting through without any problems, until a cordon of guards stopped them twenty feet from the plinth.

"Restricted zone Miss; can't let you through." The guard's hat wouldn't allow eye contact but his tone said enough about how seriously he took his role.

"Restricted for those that saved the universe?" Dandara wasn't about to turn away.

"It is Miss. We honour our heroes here."

"Then let us through to be honoured."

"Excuse me." Brick had his own point to raise. "Isn't Hugo Cortizone unrivalled in his heroic prowess?" Brick tried to eat the cherry from his latest tipple. It slipped away to the obscurity of the floor.

"He is sir, greatest active hero in the known ethos, something for us all to look up to." A tear of pride welled in the guard's throat.

"Then surely he can protect himself. He doesn't need you lot. Plus anything that thinks it could have a serious go at him would surely consider you guys nothing more than a cold starter?" Brick abandoned any plan he had started concerning the retrieval of his cherry.

"It's more of a token gesture if I'm honest sir. The illusion of security surrounds our everyday lives. We're no different here at the Hero's Council."

"The illusion we use to combat the illusion of fear we are peddled? But surely there is no fear to take grip within a Hall of Heroes?" Spiritwind shuffled into the vicinity of the conversation. Three of his sausages on a stick had lost their accompanying pineapple, donated to a passing stallion jawed hero.

"You'd be surprised how many of these burly brutes are scared of the dark sir. Many a light is left on in our residences of a night." Dandara gave up with the guard and focused on attracting Hugo's attention directly.

"I suppose the dark is the base fear of all our lives, the great unknown. And what is more fearful than the unknown?" Brick tipped an imaginary hat.

"Except the fear of knowledge." Spiritwind joined the debate. "That's the complete opposite of the unknown."

"Who fears knowledge?" Both Brick and the guard were hooked.

"Everybody, you don't want to be seen as a swot by the world. A flawed swot perhaps, but nobody likes a know it all......"

Dandara had finally managed to catch Hugo's gaze. After his initial reluctance to acknowledge her presence he responded. Dandara's stare was a potent weapon. Through a series of facial expressions and gestures she'd assured the heroic Adonis that everyone would find out about his little picnic if they weren't all on stage by his side in the next thirty seconds. And if he even tried to pass them off as delivery men bringing Sid to the plinth she'd reveal the whole story of how he ended up there in the tabloids, and begin a smearing campaign he couldn't begin to fathom. Of all the beings Hugo had bettered a woman's fury was not a beast he faced with confidence.

Hugo turned to the crowd and spoke with honour towards the room as a whole. "At last they are here." The ultimate hero pointed down towards Dandara et al, instructing the guards to allow them through. Gradually the crowd realised somebody was being introduced and Hugo wasn't attempting to inspire a celebration conga line. The stage hand put down his 'Guzzle Bucket' and shone the spotlight on the emerging group, momentarily blinding the guard Brick and Spiritwind had been philosophising with.

"Behold our bounty." Hugo continued to garner the hall's attention. Half the room realised something was occurring while the other half continued the party. Murmuring spread and the mood consumed them, ripples of applause breaking out, started by Hugo. Dandara led the unlikely joint heroes into the public glare.

"These heroes were there as I vanquished......" Dandara's stare emerged, straight at Hugo. ".....I mean they aided me....." The intensity increased. "....Together we toiled as...." A kick from the lady hero became necessary to correct Hugo's memory. "....We acted as equals....." It would have to do. "....in our quest to rid the universe of this evil."

The Magwanvu dropped Sid in a heap. His size ensured minimal interest from those at the back, plus people were far more intrigued by the triple hero's co-ordinated movements. The Magwanvu recognised the usual wave of curiosity that met it and nullified it with an answer. "We are three separate beings sharing one collective expressive." They waved as one.

"Aaaaaaaah." The crowd responded together before breakaway questions emerged amongst the gathering. "That must be very frustrating." "How do they go to the toilet?" "What do the ladies make of such a quirk?" "Birth must have been a nightmare." Etc.

The Magwanvu shrugged and walked back to the others. They'd suddenly realised the whole Hall of Heroes were focused on them. Brick wished he'd spent more time practising his juggling. A party trick right now would go down a treat.

Hugo strode purposefully towards the forlorn heap of Sid, lifting him by his helmet for all to see. Irish Delirium watched on from his private balcony, a sensation he hadn't felt for many millennia niggled the nape of his neck. Unstirred memories fluttered, refusing to be pinned down. They were quickly joined by a drive that hadn't been triggered for an age. The weathered hero stared at the silver figure, all his thoughts drawn towards it for some unknown reason.

"Cast your eyes upon the beast that declared war on good. May he be held as an example to all evil that you will never conquer us, but continue to try if you dare."

The forces of the universe believe in fairness, and the power of hero timing runs directly alongside its evil counterpart. In perfect demonstration of this Sid's mind awoke, but not his eyes, curious why there was no floor beneath his feet. The general ambience being detected by his senses made it difficult to believe he remained in his Underground Tower. Rather than panic he bided his time, first listening to the sounds that surrounded him then peering through one eye to confirm his thoughts. He was indeed in The Mythical Hall of Heroes on Velos 19.

Sid struggled to keep his cackle of realisation from escaping his mouth, but remaining limp a plan formed: if he could release his body from his helmet he would fall onto the plinth, head fully exposed. He could warp the minds of every hero in the universe in one swoop and paralyse the entire army of good with terror.

Hugo continued to swing the armoured warrior, allowing the whole room to see. It fell into Sid's trap perfectly, loosening the miniature terror's helmet with every ooh and aah of the crowd. Sid had to use all his restraint to avoid clapping and kicking his feet in excitement at having the last laugh.

A few brief moments later, and with an added shuffling of the neck back and forth, Sid was all but free. Only his chin held him in place. One snotty glance to the ceiling and he'd be released, and every hero would be imprisoned in their own mental torture forever. The fiery tempered nemesis waited until he dangled over one spot. He didn't wish to release himself and end up tumbling off the plinth and into the crowd.

Hugo eventually came to a stand-still in order to begin another of his many monologues. Sid had heard enough and overwhelmed the room with his own words of doom.

"You weak minded morons." Sid had to admit the positioning of his chin did nothing to enhance his voice. He came across far more nasal than normal. "You have the arrogance to celebrate victory before the battle has truly begun. Now you shall see the true power of evil as you bow to its greatest weapon: FEAR." Sid released his chin and began his descent to glory, only to be shouted down by a voice of bolder virtue.

"SHIELD YOUR EYES." Everyone obeyed the authoritative voice instinctively, except Brick and Spiritwind who instantly wondered if they had a decent excuse for whatever they'd been caught doing. It was a natural reaction to all authoritative shouting they heard. The owner of the tone, Irish Delirium, swung through the air on a strategically placed, ornate chandelier; his other hand contained a quickly acquired dustbin. Sid turned mid-air to see who had shouted. The imposing figure of Irish eclipsed his view as it landed with a punch directly on top of Sid's head. Instantly unconscious Sid became one with the stage as Irish, with eyes still closed, swung the bin and covered his capture.

"You may look once more." Irish alerted the party. They opened their eyes to find Irish standing next to an upturned bin with a curious blue glow dribbling from beneath it.

"That was brilliant." Brick would have clapped if it wouldn't result in spilling the three drinks he struggled to hold.

"It really was." Spiritwind wasn't one to clap at the best of times.

Irish addressed the room. "Insidious Chi is not the simple megalomaniac he appears." The crowd gasped, nobody had seen a twist coming. "His presence alerted me to a feeling, a shimmer of dastardly intent I hadn't felt for many a moon. Not since my most active days had a being instilled something deep inside I fear I'll never forget. I speak of the aura of my long defeated nemesis. The beast I thought I had cast asunder for all time the day I stepped up to the grade of level five hero: Verros Flexx." The gathering didn't know what to do and murmured their confusion and shock. Irish Delirium had saved the universe from the attack of Verros Flexx an age ago. The beast had slithered away, presumed defeated and left to fade into history. It appeared he'd been plotting his second attempt.

"I believe Insidious Chi to be his second incarnation. There will not be a third." Everyone erupted in applause and poured themselves another drink. Nobody had expected live theatre as well as free booze.

"Photo for the statue your hero.....ness?" The official statue maker of Velos 19 hovered on his sculpting board, next to the plinth. A camera the size of two men's heads sat in his hands. He fiddled with the lens on the front as he asked.

"The honour's all yours boys, I merely tidied up the crumbs." Irish stood to one side to allow a clean shot of the group of heroes. Hugo instantly fell into a pose lifting his leg on to the upturned bin, folding his arms, and beaming a grin that could only be achieved through months of practice. The others didn't get quite the same chance to prepare.

"Smile." The statue maker snapped away regardless.

Dandara and Bettina had managed to stand by Hugo's side looking fairly relaxed as the flash kicked in, Bobby had been inspecting the bin and turned to face the camera as the button was pushed. His eternal smile feigned a prepared expression. Fortunately for Jam he'd been stood behind Hugo. As the number one hero lifted his leg to place it on the bin he framed the drunken saviour perfectly. Brick had realised at the last moment what was happening. Running to the front he'd tripped and would be preserved forever in mid-flight, cursing the knee of Hugo that was obscuring him. Spiritwind's face was cloaked by the baguette he'd been tucking in to, while The Magwanvu had been caught turning to its left, mid argument, behind Bettina.

"Lovely. I'll have that ready for tomorrow's ceremony." The statue maker floated away without any concern for the path of Brick's fall. Brick on the other hand grew ever more concerned as the upturned bin, filled his vision. Even with Hugo's smiling weight atop it, it flew away into the crowd. The well haired hero almost followed it, skidding to a halt halfway off the plinth. Everyone who had noticed gasped, glanced at the empty space then performed a double take. Sid had gone. Only a hole remained.

"We must pursue our foe." Hugo prepared to leap down the hole. Irish grabbed his arm and turned poetically to the crowd.

"Leave him be. Life is about balance. For one extreme to exist we must accept that at the other end of existence its weight is countered. We are the good of the universe but only because we have evil to battle. Without them we would be nothing, undefined, just bold men that are slightly better than average. The very notion of average would be skewed by our presence, for it is merely the middle line between extremes, so without extremes there is no middle." Irish continued staring at the ceiling. He realised he had as little clue as anyone else where his speech was heading, or what its point was. He continued in the hope something would surface. "And without a middle there are no extremes. Hence without evil there is no anything, and I for one am proud to be something." Irish held his arms outstretched in the hope people would presume a great point had been made, and that he had finished making it. It worked. Applause trickled at first before racing through a torrent of pleasure and into a crescendo of celebration at Sid's escape.

"Did he even say anything then because I'm not sure that made much sense?" Brick had dusted himself down and wandered back to Spiritwind.

"I don't think you need to make sense with a jaw-line like that." Spiritwind popped a chocolate covered peanut in his mouth. Irish overheard the two speaking, he realised they weren't drawn in by his glamour and felt a little silly in their honest presence.

The living legend shrugged off doubt and followed up his pointless speech with further instruction. "Enjoy the night and the feast of pleasure that comes with it. We shall convene here tomorrow for the official ceremony to say these people are great." The spotlight spun towards the heralded heroes, blinding Brick and Spiritwind for a moment. By the time they could see again the plinth was empty, except for the band that had truly saved the universe. Hugo had left, taking the focal point of the room with him. Irish had swung back to his balcony, making a note to research Brick and Spiritwind before their next encounter.

"What should we do now?" Spiritwind wondered about a plan.

"We're in a room filled with an adoring crowd, free drink and nibbles, and you're wondering what to do?" Brick had never been so disgusted.

"Just wanted to check we weren't going to let our new status make us all responsible or anything." Spiritwind finished his peanuts and searched the party with his eyes. He was sure he'd seen a full roast pig earlier.

"I do believe the only extra responsibility we've taken on is that to our fans, especially the ladies." Brick titled his head. It didn't give the cool appearance all those films had led him to believe.

"Obviously." Spiritwind watched Hugo pushing through the crowds, followed along by everyone's praise. The whole room stared after him, not a drop of attention being aimed their way. "Although they all appear to be showing our well deserved appreciation to Hugo."

"Hmmmmmm." A collective noise of agreement concurred with Spiritwind's observation. The disappointment was universal, although Jam's was aimed at the discovery of a grey hair in his beard.

Contents
Chapter Forty Six

Spiritwind woke up on a floor. He knew it was the floor because every other point in the room could only be viewed by looking up. The deep fried chicken pizza that had served as a pillow quickly became breakfast. It accompanied his attempt to piece the night together. He remembered a plinth and the call of free drinks. It would have to do for now.

A voice boomed from the corridor, passing effortlessly through the door that sat behind the bald hero. It declared: "The ceremony to declare these people are great shall commence in ten minutes."

The aforementioned door fell open in response, powered by Brick falling from his knees on to his face. Keeping his face buried in the carpet he lifted his hand. "Do you want one of these hangover phials? There's a pile at each door."

"That's right." Spiritwind had been slapped by a memory. "You went to get the goodnight snog Dandara promised you." Spiritwind toasted Brick with the phial and downed it.

Brick's face ripped itself from the carpet. "Did I get it? Please don't tell me I forgot that."

"I doubt it. You ended up back here at least four times. You kept accusing me of being in her room and seeing her behind your back."

"Sorry about that. Do you think she'll still snog me now?" Brick considered splashing water on his face for freshness.

"She was very drunk, which is my polite way of saying no."

"Nooooo." Brick buried his head back in the carpet.

"You could always ask her at this ceremony thing?" Spiritwind brushed the creases out of his t-shirt and face, and picked up the final slice of pizza.

"Oh yeah, when does that start again?"

"Ten minutes."

"How long does it take to get there?"

"Not sure. About ten minutes." The pizza may have been finished, but a freshly discovered box of fries were just beginning.

"Then we should leave." Brick stood purposefully.

"Indeed. Do you want a chip?"

"That is a fry my friend not a chip." It was an important point.

"Either way do you want one?"

"Just one, but I would have preferred an actual chip."

"Your preference is noted. Shall we leave?"

"I've already left." Brick careered down the corridor, the ambivalent Spiritwind following behind.

The journey held no tales and did indeed take ten minutes. Brick and Spiritwind reached the great hall and slalomed through the crowd. The general antipathy of a room of hungover people gave them little resistance. The plinth from yesterday remained in place. Somebody had spent the night draping it in ribbons and fabric. A row of chairs of increasing grandeur were in a line. Nobody appeared overly concerned that Brick and Spiritwind weren't there. Equally minimal fuss was made as they made their way to their places.

Everybody had dressed for the occasion: Hugo wore his best pressed lycra, including cape, Irish had his ceremonial chain and shield, and The Voice of Reason wore a sheet so white it could have been woven from light itself. Dandara and Bettina wore ball-gowns that swept their attraction levels way beyond the achievable reaches of Brick and Spiritwind. Bobby Dazzler had whipped an iron over his suit and strapped on his best smile, while The Magwanvu wore a golden disco style one-piece each, complete with medallion. Jam Shandy had passed out on the plinth and hadn't left all night. The set builders had arranged the ceremonial stage around him, placing his unconscious body on a chair and leaving him to it.

Each hero had been assigned a seat. The most regal went to The Voice of Reason, followed in opulence by Irish, then Hugo's. It appeared his grade four hero status carried currency in the world of garnished rest. The others had been given a standard chair with a reasonably plump cushion attached.

The ceremony began with a pompous fanfare, continuing with speech after speech declaring justice and honour. Spiritwind comforted himself with a four course meal of snacks, Brick followed Jam's example and passed out. Finally it came to the handing out of awards, as announced by Irish.

"And now my favourite part of this whole affair: the awards themselves." Brick snapped out of his dream, Spiritwind finished his trifle, The Magwanvu poked itself in the leg then poked itself back, and Jam fell off his chair. Irish continued. "Each hero shall receive any upgrades they desire for their crafts. Brick, Spiritwind, Bobby and The Magwanvu may choose any ship they wish from the garage of reclaimed villain ships. And of course you will all receive the rare dignified status of grade five heroes. You shall be honoured upon the Scroll of Saviours and your statue placed forever in The Hall of Legends. Reveal the statue."

A smaller plinth stood nearby, a structure upon it was masked by a sheet. The cover fell upon the wave of Irish's hand. It revealed the image captured by the hovering man the previous day, only now as a solid gold statue.

Hugo formed the majority of the piece. Everyone else's demeanour suggested they were adoring the man mountain, except Brick who was in mid air. The room erupted in applause, Hugo bowed.

"And now for the award of the grade five cards." An ooooh circled the crowd. "As you are all aware the legendary grade five hero card becomes one with the body. Never to be removed and only visible to those you wish to see it." Irish unveiled his fridge sized bicep to the gathering and tensed it with a smirk. A golden rectangle shimmered, spilling out an aura of safety and awe. Irish pulled his sleeve back down and turned to the row of expectant heroes. "If you could prepare the area you wish your card to be placed."

Brick toyed with dropping his trousers but felt it was too obvious and opted for the left nipple instead. Everyone else went for the top of the right arm, except Spiritwind who wanted it on the crown of his bald head.

The crowd went wild as Hugo went first, and continued to go wild for him as the rest collected theirs. The cheers and chants for Mr Cortizone didn't relent throughout. Even Irish rushed through the rest of the presentations so he could get on with congratulating Hugo.

With Hugo orchestrating the crowd the rest of the heroes sidled off to a corner of the plinth, bemused.

"Am I missing something? I thought we saved the universe." Brick had an unarguable point for once.

"We definitely did. I was there." Spiritwind concurred.

"If we hadn't stepped in he'd be on his third date and snogging the face off a big, lizard thing." Brick furthered his complaint.

"It's universal politics. I wouldn't worry about it." Dandara offered reason.

"I'm not worried about it. I'm just miffed. Almost as miffed as I was that I couldn't find your room last night." Brick gave a knowing look, without the essence of knowing.

"Just be glad we got our grade five cards." Dandara tried to change the subject. Drunken denial was the only hiding place she had as an unwelcome reminder of her offer of a kiss surfaced.

"And a ship." Spiritwind had just remembered.

"I'd forgotten about a ship. Should we go and pick one?" Brick gave up on his concerns over Hugo.

"Do you want a second opinion?" Bettina had no desire to stand around being ignored, plus she thought it would engineer a nice parting moment with the bald snack lover. Dandara was still reeling too much from her recently recovered memory, to protest.

"Should we all go? It could be our final mission together." Brick tried to turn the shopping trip into a further adventure. Bobby would be happy whatever they did, Jam would follow death in his current state, and The Magwanvu just wished to be out of the staring angle of so many people. Brick continued speaking. "Or maybe this is our second mission in a long line of future journeys by each other's sides?"

"Don't push it. You were lucky to make it through this one without feeling the wrath of my hand." Dandara searched for an excuse to punch Brick to expel the frustration of her drunken offer. How could she be so stupid as to nearly end the mission with a kiss. After all she'd said. It was her good fortune that Brick's incompetence had stepped in. Or did he reject her? He really was going to get slapped if that was the case.

"Luck has nothing to do with it. It was all part of our plan." Brick tried to pocket some glory as Bettina stepped in front of Dandara to prevent the attack she could see her friend's eyes preparing.

Everyone stumbled down the stairs in perceived harmony. Nobody in the Hall noticed the group's departure, apart from a waiter whose tray of drinks emptied as they walked past. The crowd had their chosen hero and no amount of truth was going to change the focus of their chants.

Contents
Chapter Forty Seven

The pound of vanquished ships had been easy to find. The signing on Velos 19 was both clear and informative. Brick had been hoping to stumble upon a guard so he could flash his new hero card but everybody was in the hall telling Hugo how marvellous he was.

As the newly crowned grade five heroes entered the hangar the ambience instantly changed. The promise of hope and virtue that flooded the corridors was replaced by a sense of apprehension and impending mischief. Physically the room was vast. The countless crafts were parked in a disordered and haphazard fashion, incomparable to the neat bays of the hero's ship park. They obscured the far end of the room which stretched beyond the curvature of the planet. The area was adequately lit, but the dark aura of the machines combined to steal the light before it could make it to the floor. It left a foreboding darkness for the heroes to walk within. Combined with the overwhelming sensation that everything wished to attack them, it was difficult to have any conclusion other than Brick's.

"It's not nice in here."

"What do you expect? It's a room full of evil transport. Some of that intention rubs off you know. Come on." Dandara's hero experience kicked in, pushing her rage over the potential kiss to one side for now. She reached down to her utility belt for her 'bear in a can' spray, just in case any of the vehicles decided to take a swipe.

"Let's put friendly at the top of the list of requirements." Brick and Spiritwind began their list of criteria.

The Magwanvu and Bobby veered off to the right, disappearing behind an ebony horn with serrated edges. They had their own ships to find. Brick and Spiritwind took the ambling approach to searching, pondering through the room but always remaining within the vicinity of Dandara and Bettina and their spray bear. Jam just wandered, remaining non committal to either group.

The sleek lines and comforting curves of the hero ships were nowhere to be seen. Evil body-kits focused solely on rough edges, aggressive slats, and spikes and teeth jutting out for no reason. It made snaking through them potentially lethal. Severing your own head through a curious turn became a genuine concern.

"What exactly are you looking for?" Dandara thought a few details may allow her and Bettina to be of assistance.

"We won't really know until we see it." Brick and Spiritwind nodded to each other to check they were both following the same selective process.

"If you don't know what it is then maybe you've already seen it but just didn't recognise it." Dandara couldn't believe she was even bothering to get into such a debate.

"Impossible." Brick dismissed the concern without hesitation.

"I hate to ask but why?"

"Because if we had seen it but didn't realise we'd seen it, then that can't be it. That must be something else entirely."

"And we've seen plenty of something else but not it." Spiritwind clarified, tipping a bag of jelly beans down his throat as a full stop.

Dandara could only shake her head.

"Did you hear that?" Brick motioned for silence with a tilt of his head and a raise of each arm.

"Is it the roar of the ocean?" Jam popped up from behind a wing. "The sound of nature swirling into a frenzy to show the land why it shouldn't be so smug, sitting there all dry, day after day in mockery of the sea's saturated state of uneven purity?"

"I don't think it was that Jam but cheers for the input."

"It was only a guess. My guesses rarely hit the target. Was there even a question or did I just interject for no reason?" Jam disappeared behind a ramp, continuing to witter. Picking up the sounds of Bobby and The Magwanvu the drunken captain stumbled off to investigate them further. Brick continued.

"It sounded like a voice." Brick followed the sound, squatting ever nearer the floor and ducking behind a wheel with enormous protruding spikes. Impractical beyond merit but fearsome in intent. The well haired hero discovered something of interest. "Look at this."

Only Dandara, Bettina and Spiritwind followed. Bobby and The Magwanvu were several crafts along, poking and squeezing the mechanic beasts, testing them as you would fruit. Jam had found the happy man and triplicate being and believed they were the only party he was travelling with. Nobody objected to his companionship.

Brick revealed his find to the diminishing group. It was a white, spud like craft no bigger than three feet in diameter, sat in acres of space. The murmuring noises were coming directly from it.

The foursome edged forwards, the words becoming clearer with each step. They were the sound of somebody berating themselves.

"How could I? What a terrible thing to do. Strictly speaking of course I didn't do it but it doesn't matter, I didn't stop it. I should have stopped it. I could have pretended to break. I'm just not the craft I thought I was...."

"Hello." Brick had moved close enough to expect some recognition. He gave the little ship a tap on the roof to accompany his greeting. "Hello."

"Oh dear, people, whatever will they think of me?"

"Hello there." Brick continued knocking, purely because he liked the hollow sound it made.

"Oh my. Hello, and sorry."

"Who am I talking to? And why are they sorry?" Brick still knocked.

"I am a Stetson class 643 transport craft. I contain all the desired extras one could ever want and can manage universal travel almost in ones sleep. And I'm going to ship hell for what I've done."

"I like it." Brick stopped knocking and used his hands to offer a double thumbs-up.

"It seems nice enough." Spiritwind concurred while wondering how big an oven it contained.

"It's a bit whiney." Dandara wasn't one for tolerance.

"It might be having a bad day." Brick defended his newest buddy.

"Every day's a bad day for me. It's all I deserve for the horror I've been a part of."

"If you'd like to discuss the horror then feel free, but don't allude to something in order to draw a question from us because it won't happen." Brick laid out an instant ground rule.

"I couldn't. The horror....it's just too....."

"Horrific?" Dandara cut the drama short.

"You've heard. The shame!" The ship appeared to bite its fist. An impressive feat when it didn't even have hands.

"I think I need to refer you to my previous statement. Not only will we not be drawn into questioning you but we'll actively guide the conversation away from whatever you're trying to get us to talk about. If you just want to speak about something then feel free. We are always open to a bit of emotional bonding. We are not monsters." Brick introduced something of a sub-section to the initial ground rule.

"Oh. Okay." The ships tone moved towards the more emotionally stable end of the scale. "I have been through some horrible things though, and I feel ever so terrible about it. Not for me but for all the people affected. I still see their faces at night, their tortured sou.... Sorry. Drama slips out occasionally."

"That's alright. You'll inevitably slip back in to type, as long as you're working on it."

Dandara had heard enough. She had a rebuke that couldn't be quelled. "Listen. You can't expect to reap the rewards of being a bad guy's ship, taking the fear based glory and respect, without one day being visited by guilt. You've built your moral hangar now you have to be parked in it." Her analogy pleased her no end.

The ship responded firmly. "I never wanted to be a bad guy's ship. I was a family run around and a happy one at that. I adored the mundane rituals of everyday life: ferrying my male owner's female companion to work and back every day, shopping on a weekend, visiting aunt Ada every second Sunday. It was a dream. Then one day she left me running when nipping into the dry cleaners. Next thing I knew my security systems had been re-routed and I was being pursued by several police craft at speeds I had only known as numbers on a dial. After escaping them my insides turned dingy and my exterior as black as an evil glove on the dark side of a moon at night. Oh the smell. I never got used to it. I would complain but he just laughed at me and turned up my nasal sensors. For years I became party to endless dastardly feats and mischief beyond humour. It all ended the day Hugo Cortizone saved me. Have you had the pleasure of meeting him? He's so dreamy...."

"I think we're all familiar with Hugo Cortizone and his work." The credit stealing would be a sore point for Dandara as long as the memory of his glory theft remained. "So who turned you white?" Dandara approached all machines with cynicism, especially ones that tried to display emotions.

"I have returned to my default setting since being freed by the hunky one." Nobody considered this an explanation. After a brief loving sigh the ship revealed more. "My entire interior and exterior appearance are optional. I morph to suit my owner's needs and desires. I have to say, Notnice Joe's subconscious was a terrible place to have to hunt which subtle shade of green he wished the bathroom curtains to be. Flu snot wasn't previously in my database. Oh the colour clashes he imposed upon me. Sorry. I was doing it again wasn't I?"

"So if you became our ship you'd look however we wanted you to?" Brick ignored the sympathy plea and focused on self interest.

"Yes. I would delve into your subconscious and find the perfect decor and ambience for yourselves. It was my greatest selling point. Although I fear I'm destined to lie here and rot forever. Who would wish to employ such a morally abhorrent monster?"

"Us." Brick beamed. "Although you will have to keep working on that needy, sympathy thing." Brick looked towards his friend for any disagreement.

"If you're happy flying round the universe in a giant bacon butty then I'm in." Spiritwind warned Brick what may be pulled from his subconscious in the name of craft design.

"Shouldn't you ask Stetson if he wants to be your craft?" Dandara applied manners to the transaction.

"Are you suggesting he'd rather stay here and rot than aid us on our hero career?"

"I would." Dandara snorted at her own wit before hiding her face in embarrassment at releasing her humour based pig impression.

"A hero's craft, me, how?" Stetson had ears good enough to pick up what was occurring. Or vibration detection and interpretation sensors as he preferred to call them.

"Mr.....Stetson." Spiritwind was unsure how to address a ship so went with formal. "We have been awarded grade five hero status."

"Really?" Stetson also had a grasp of reality.

"Yes. Why does everyone underestimate us?" Spiritwind dropped a piece of jam covered toast on his top. "Okay, silly question, but yes we have. And as part of our reward we've been told we can choose any craft in here as our own."

"To stand with us as we fight evil in all its guises, spreading peace throughout the vacuum of space. A machine...." Brick felt a monologue may be appropriate.

"....There may be a watered down version of that going on at times." Spiritwind interjected. "But in the main all we need is something to ferry us around in relative comfort and not complain at being inactive for long periods. We don't care what you've done in the past. To be honest I don't think I could sleep in any of these other ships without fearing it would slit my throat in the night. You seem friendly and remorseful, and what better way to make up for those crimes than by helping two grade five heroes to the pub and back?" Spiritwind turned his information into a pitch.

"It is surely a gift, but how many planets must I save before my guilt is redeemed? How can a price be placed on the misery I have been party to? A fathomless debt has no repayment plan......."

"Remember what we said about the dramatics though." Brick gave a tilted riposte.

"Of course, but can a butterfly forgive its wings? For they as much a part of it as my guilt of I?" Brick raised his eyes and pointed his lips towards the sky. Stetson interpreted the reminder to perfection. "I'll try." The ship enjoyed the poetry more than the sentiment.

"I don't mean to bring up a problem but how are you going to get in?" Bettina raised the as yet unspoken issue of size.

"Spiritwind can just go through the front door." The mockery from Brick was inevitable. "As for the rest of us, these deceptive size things always have a simple solution."

"My size is as changeable as my appearance. I can control the space between my molecules at will. If chosen I could be as big as this room. I just don't think I deserve all that space." Stetson solved the problem.

"There you go. It even had a half baked scientific explanation." Brick beamed for no justified reason. "Could you make yourself large enough for us to come in and have a look around?"

"Of course." Stetson grew to a solid four storeys high and fifty metres long, morphing to Brick and Spiritwind's unknown desires it began to resemble an egg lay on its side.

Purely by coincidence the ship had grown just as Jam had been pointing in its general direction. Believing he may have gained a new power the intoxicated chap pointed at many other objects in expectancy, starting with his own hand.

The exterior of Brick and Spiritwind's newest toy became more egg shaped as it expanded, taking on a deep purple shade. Off-white writing scribed itself upon the side stating: Magical Causality. A series of armchairs formed a moving chain up to the door, infinitely more comfortable than a ramp.

"Where did you get Magical Causality from?" Brick turned to his friend.

"I don't know. I thought it was from you. I had the egg in mind, aerodynamic and incredibly versatile, like us."

"That's exactly what I thought when I met you both: What a pair of eggs." Dandara would have snorted again but she couldn't be bothered. She found verbal rebukes were somewhat quelling her annoyance at Brick.

"I can't wait to see the inside." Brick hopped on to an armchair. The rest followed his action.

The foyer preceded the main living area, the entirety lined with interactive games. Missiles of various shapes and sizes had to be thrown or fired at numerous screens and props. One appeared to be virtual yoghurt bucket. Curiosity of what lay ahead prevented pausing to test each game.

Entering the main living area the duo felt instantly at ease. Two sofas dominated the room, the size of a double bed each. The cushions were plump yet firm, allowing the occupant to sink in but remain supported. They faced an enormous screen displaying any entertainment option the universe could offer. The rest of the room had been based on a cosy pub complete with pool table, darts board and jukebox. Seating scattered throughout in countless forms, many inspired by Fut's house, leading to a bar that wound its way across the far wall. A sunlit beer garden could be seen through a door to the right. Both men made a mental promise to explore later. Approaching the bar a man appeared in a waistcoat and tie.

"Evening gents, how may I aid your relaxation?"

"Do you live under the bar?" Brick had a question before he could order.

"I'm merely part of the craft. I can be switched on and off as easily as the lights." The smile offered friendship.

"What do you have in the way of snacks?" Spiritwind saw past the liquid options.

"There is a full menu available whenever you require." The barman pointed to a menu containing everything Spiritwind considered his best food. "Just decide what you want and I'll do the rest. Feel free to take your seats."

"I definitely need to sit down and think about this." Spiritwind couldn't choose. It was like picking your favourite child.

"We'll have two pints, three chasers, constant refills, and bring one thing from the menu every ten or twenty minutes." Brick made the order for everyone before spotting a velvet curtain in the corner. Strolling over he pulled back the divide to reveal a pedalo, complete with slide that led to a ball pool. A twenty foot pane of glass sat before it, pointing out from the conical edge of the ship. "What's this Stetson?"

"My name is now Magical Causality."

"Okay then. What's this Magic?"

"I scanned your minds for something you both knew how to drive. This was all I could find." Magic spoke with an equal tone of pride and apology.

"We can drive you with this?" Spiritwind had a bowl of nuts to keep him occupied. With the food sorted he'd wandered over to his friend.

"Yes. Although you can also just tell me what to do and I'll do it."

"Magic, I think this is going to be a beautiful partnership."

"I think we're going to leave." Dandara wanted the sanity of her own craft.

"This isn't goodbye forever. Is it?" Brick went for the dramatic approach, slipping in the process and falling into the ball pool.

"I'm sure there'll be plenty of press events and hero conferences we'll meet at. I can't imagine the cosmos will allow this to be goodbye even if we wanted it to be." Dandara stole all the amateur theatre from the moment.

"So you do want to see us again." Brick did the backstroke as he cheekily winked.

"I didn't say that." Dandara was indignant.

"You implied it." Brick remained cheeky.

"I'm just going to go." Dandara wandered out of the room.

"I guess I'd better follow her. I love your ship Spiritwind. You do know you can use it to call us anytime." Spiritwind knew the next sentence could be crucial, so he froze and said nothing. Bettina continued in order to avoid silence. "Using the ship's communicator, you can call us whenever you want. So keeping in touch won't be hard at all." Bettina blew a kiss as she left. Spiritwind caught it with an open mouth and a handful of freshly delivered cheesy nachos. He couldn't speak until she'd disappeared from view.

"Now what did that mean? Was that informative or flirty? She was kissing another man last night. If she wanted me then that would have been me on the end of her lips surely?"

"Remember what I said?" Brick attempted the breaststroke. It just emptied the pool of balls while he remained in one place.

"Remind me." Spiritwind remained focused on the door, filling his mouth and shaking his head gently.

"Never try to work them out. There is no answer."

"Okay." If only it was that simple.

Contents

Chapter Forty Eight

"You're right Bobby. I take it back. It is more of a grin than a grimace." Brick spoke to Bobby Dazzler over the visuacom onboard Magic. Playing with the pedalo had caused Magic Causality to rise towards the ceiling. Bobby had contacted them to check they were alright. From the Earthling's high vantage point they could see the craft Bobby was settling in to. The snarl painted on the front did appear to be loosening the longer the happy man stayed within it.

"There's a good heart inside this gnarl of teeth and anger. I can feel it." Bobby enthused. The Magwanvu could be seen bickering in the background of the screen on the visuacom, while Jam poked a statue depicting one battle of evil or another.

"I'm sure if anyone can find a good heart you will. I don't think we're going to be able to land this thing Bobby, even if we wanted to. I fear this may be farewell." Brick realised the ship was still rising.

"I don't think I like that statue." Jam walked into the foreground of the shot sucking his finger. "Too many pointy bits."

"What do you think of our ship Jam?" Brick confused the intoxicated warrior. Jam looked at the screen, then at Bobby, out of the window, back to the screen, two more laps, asked Bobby why the television was talking to him, took the answer into his mind, then spoke. "Is it the big purple one?"

"It is." Brick had given up and spent the last minute trying to eat one of Spiritwind's doughnuts without licking his lips.

"It fills me with a great pride. Like a colourful balloon awaiting the tearful child it is destined to heal. Carrying with it all our dreams and allowing them to reach as high as the eternal ethos without fear or questions why." The length of pause suggested he was done. Wandering off confirmed it.

"Be sure to keep in touch. Bonds of memories nurture friendships like no other adhesive; social, physical or the glue that considers itself super." Bobby began waving as his hopeful sentence ended.

"Can we do that through this thing?" Brick pointed at the screen.

"Of course, merely mention my craft's name and it will form an unbreakable connection, unless you end the call."

"What's your ship's name?" Spiritwind remembered a crucial detail.

"Harmonious Pleasantries. I shan't bid thee farewell but rather a see you later, an altogether more positive parting." Bobby slowed his wave.

"We will do Bobby." Brick and Spiritwind waved back, the bald hero finding a jacket potato on a fork to be an ample signalling device. The screen started fading to black just as The Magwanvu realised they needed to wave. The last voice to trickle across the signal belonged to Jam: "Did those three guys just wave in perfect synchronicity?"

Brick and Spiritwind left Magic to negotiate leaving the hangar and driving them home. They spent the journey exploring their new craft.

After finding a swimming pool with numerous water slides and inflatable accessories, a room of dodgem cars, a fully kitted out Yoghurt Bucket arena, a warehouse filled with pillows, a bobsled course, and a room with a field inside it that contained a pub overlooking a heated lake; they returned to the main pub area and looked for a film to watch. The duo were so engrossed flicking through the endless channels, many reporting on Hugo's triumph, even the music channel had been dedicated to Hugo's choices, they failed to realise they were home. Magic interrupted them with a polite cough.

"That sounds like it could turn nasty Magic. Do you want some medicine?" Brick wondered if there was a medical cupboard.

"I just thought you should know you're home."

"Really?" Brick headed to the far wall and pulled back a curtain revealing an entirely glass side. "Is that our house?"

"These are the co-ordinates I was given by Velos 19's main computer. Has my time in service begun with an error of unquantifiable evil? Sorry, habit."

"Are we not a little conspicuous hovering over the street in a forty foot purple egg?" Spiritwind's fourth portion of nacho's came out of the bowl in one solid chunk, melded by cheese.

"My cloaking device is firmly on. It's strictly against the law to land on an unassuming planet without it. Not that Notnice Joe cared about such rules. He would often make me swoop down on grade one and two planets, terrifying the residents. But I'm getting over the pain it caused me." Perhaps progress was being made.

"That looks like our garden. Although I've only ever seen it once from above and I was pretty drunk." Brick searched for clues.

"You do know we're still barred from using the fire brigade after that; said they'd never seen anything so ridiculous?" Spiritwind rebuked while offering a chip and dip combination.

"We all make mistakes. Anyway, focus on the future not the past. This is definitely our house. Nobody could have neighbours like ours." Brick pointed down to Rick and Biritvind's garden. A huge ball covered in netting and spikes rolled across it, ropes flailing as it went. The intended heroes flew around it. Their new training apparatus was being put to good use. "You'd think they'd never heard of a sofa." Brick and Spiritwind's sense of superior common sense united their attitude. "Should we land then?"

"Can you land in such a tight space?" Spiritwind checked Magic's capabilities, and confidence in applying them.

"Of course I can. It's my job." Brick twitched in mention of the word 'job' as Magic shrunk to no bigger than the shed they landed next to. The interior matched the decor of a lift, the doors opening as such upon landing. "I do like being able to help again." Magic's voice carried an elated tone.

The pair stepped out into their garden. "That was fun. It's always good to get out for a bit. I wonder if there's anything good on telly tonight?" Brick spoke while fishing around a box of empty vodka bottles. Finding one at the bottom he poured the back door key from it and let himself in.

"What should we do about Magic?" Spiritwind didn't want to leave their new buddy outside. It looked like rain was approaching.

"What does he want to do?"

"I don't know. Do you want to come in Magic? You may have to shrink a bit further but you're more than welcome." Spiritwind pushed the back door open a little wider.

"I'd be honoured." Magic shrunk to around the size of a football, edging closer to the door as he did. "Notnice Joe used to leave me in the vilest of places....., but I won't go into that now." Brick could swear the ship winked as it went past.

The trio had only just entered the living room when the doorbell rang. Brick popped his head into the hallway. The shadowy shapes at the door were easily recognisable as Fate and the other concepts. The hero opened the door with all the nonchalance of a teenager welcoming a carpet fitter.

"That's good timing. We only just got back, or have you been stood there for however long we were away?"

"We get alerted to any space craft entering the atmosphere." Fate answered and made his way to the living room. The contents of a party were distributed amongst the visitors.

"Has Hugo come back with you?" Karma and Irony revealed the source of their expectant smiles.

"No. I think he was busy." The grins disappeared along with the rest of their passing bodies.

"We hear you were there when he saved the universe." Coincidence whistled past with more crisps than a secret stash at a weight-watchers retreat.

"Where did you hear that?" Brick was growing frustrated.

"Not from me." They nipped past too. Coincidence continued to answer from the other room.

"We get all the latest universal news. What do you think those channels at the end of the normal ones really are? Even saw the statue, couldn't really see you guys. Your names were in a footnote though. Went past pretty fast but we saw it."

"My universal ramblers, how'd space cope with the dudes that do?" Fut gave a hug to accompany his sentence and grin.

"Let's get some drinks poured and we'll reveal all." Brick closed the door and followed Fut to the living room. The sound of bottles opening greeted them as they prepared to celebrate another victory. Magic was about to be introduced to his new lifestyle. Whether he'd remember it or not was open to drunken debate.

Contents
Chapter Forty Nine

Brick awoke and instantly began the process of trying to work out where he was.

The floor felt dusty and not the kind designed for lying on. Brick was curled up in the corner of a darkened room. His legs were snaked between a pair of ladders, an old lawnmower, and a series of brooms and hoes in various states of disrepair. "I'm in a shed." Brick had honed his location skills over the years and came to an instant conclusion. "I hope it's my shed." He wasn't overly familiar with the contents of the garden storage facility that came with the rented house, especially not from this angle. At least it wasn't a water based place of rest. Maybe he was finally maturing?

Brick moved his foot in an attempt to further gain his bearings. It set off a chain reaction of items falling, mainly towards the hero's well styled hair.

Battling through the barrage of tools Brick lunged his weight at the door. It fell open without resistance, leaving the hero prostrate on the grass and staring at his house. Dragging himself to his feet he worked on returning to the inside.

Entering the living room Brick found Spiritwind surrounded by plates and dishes filled with breakfast components. The concepts were strewn across the furniture in various states of wakefulness, some helping themselves to the nearest bowl of food available.

Fate and Karma shared the sofa with Spiritwind, holding a plate of toast between them. Neither appeared pleased to own it. Irony was on the floor next to them, her head firmly in her hands, remaining still in fear of the consequences. They sat on a beanbag reading Magic's instruction manual while munching through a handful of sausages. Coincidence took the armchair, peeling an egg, as Fut spread across the floor, emptying the remnants of a grapefruit into his ample mouth.

"You slept in the shed then?" Spiritwind precariously, yet expertly, slid another fork full of beans into his mouth.

"How did you....Oh I don't care." Brick slumped into his armchair with a dusty flourish. "Everyone have a good party?" Brick scanned the room for any signs of a need to apologise. Only nods and general grimaces replied. "So will these grade five cards enhance our lives? Make it easier? Give us enough money to avoid real work?"

"I told you all this last night. Don't you remember?" Fate's head remained relatively still.

"I woke up in the shed." It was a valid point.

"It only holds prestige. You should find the reward of sa......"

"So it's the same as the grade one card?"

"In that respect."

"So we still can't use it to help pay the rent or get any girls to kiss us?"

"No." Fate gave up with the toast and put it down on the table.

"What about public appearances? Can we get an appearance fee for raffles or after diner speeches?" Brick had to find something.

"A hero charging for something like that would open a PR nightmare." Coincidence helped his ailing brother by answering. "Even turning one down would make the front page of 'Nothing Weekly'."

"We don't get paid and we can't turn them down?"

"No. Unless you have a team of high powered accountants like Hugo Cortizone that can manipulate your expenses to amass a personal fortune vast enough to fund several inter galactic wars. You'll get free accommodation and admiration though." Irony chuckled beneath her hands before stopping abruptly and freezing, the fear of vomit causing paralysis.

"You can always use your faces to promote your souls." Fut spoke through the tender lips his grapefruit had created.

"You mean sell merchandise of ourselves?" Brick interpreted the suggestion

"I can feel the nail wincing after that strike on the head."

They popped into the chat. "I wouldn't bother. Hugo Cortizone has that market well and truly sewn up. His sales division would put you out of business before you sold a key-ring. You'd probably end up buying a few hero towels off them as an apology for even trying. They're that good."

"I guess we're back to temping then." Brick slumped further down in his chair. "We'd better ring the agency tomorrow."

"Why not ring them now?" Karma clouded a dig within helpful advice. Her hangover pain felt the need to be shared.

"Never going to happen." Brick closed his eyes.

"Me going, is happening. I can't even think." Irony disappeared, mid convulsion.

"We should go and check she's alright." Karma gave Fate an order. She wanted to get him alone so she could rebuke him for her agony.

"I guess we're off to check on Irony." Fate didn't have the energy to fight. "I'll see you soon saviours of the universe." Spiritwind stretched into the space the couple had been taking up.

"I may just test how life is with my eyes closed." Brick offered his own goodbye to the room and curled up. The few unconscious hours in the shed had served no regenerative purpose.

*****************

Brick awoke to find a different room facing him. Only Spiritwind remained, tucking in to a large bowl of ice cream, and mood lighting battled the increasing darkness outside.

"Has everyone gone?" Brick stretched his limbs. His neck clicked leaving him tilted.

"Are you openly inviting sarcasm?" Spiritwind felt cheap scoring such an easy point and acknowledged the verbal open goal instead.

"Are you denying your right to it?"

"Maybe? Maybe with our upgraded hero level I've changed."

"Maybe?" Brick picked a tooth, moved his neck slowly, and posed a thought. "Is it ironic that we've saved the Earth and the entire universe but nobody knows and thinks we're just a pair of bums?"

"I don't think that qualifies as irony, annoying perhaps. And as far as I know it is possible to be both a bum and the saviour of the universe. One label is not exclusive of the other."

"It would appear bums have saved the universe, and got a pretty snazzy ship out of it."

"We do have a ship, although I think he's a bit hung-over." Spiritwind pointed towards a pile of clothes in the corner. They ruffled and groaned.

"I wasn't planning on going anywhere tonight anyway. We've just got back. We need a little relaxation time." Brick picked up the television guide. It was from three weeks ago and offered nothing he didn't already know.

"I concur. We've got plenty of time for adventures. The possibilities are endless." Spiritwind placed the empty ice-cream bowl by his chair.

"They are. We could go anywhere." Brick settled into a new position.

"We could." Spiritwind placed a cushion beneath his head.

"Do anything we want." Brick removed his socks.

"Anything at all."

"Go anywhere in the entire universe."

"Now you're thinking." Spiritwind tried a foetal position.

"As long as it's tomorrow, there's no need to rush these things."

"Of course."

"Or even next week?"

"Even better."

"Is that a film about to start?" Brick interpreted the changing image on the screen. "I think it's that one you wanted to see." Brick's film recognition ability took only a seconds exposure.

"The one with the man?" Spiritwind turned inquisitively.

"That's the one."

"Then perhaps I'll go and sort out some snacks." Spiritwind disturbed his own comfort before it had chance to take full hold.

"What kind were you thinking?" Brick enquired from his slouched position.

"Some form of crisp based mountain covered in cheese and soy sauce."

"May I be party to a handful or three?"

"Well it is a hero snack." Spiritwind was already in the kitchen.

"Do you need to see my hero card?"

"I'd rather see a twenty pound note."

"I'll owe it you." Brick had not a penny on him.

"You already owe me a tenner."

"Since when?"

"Since you borrowed it." Spiritwind rifled through the leftover party snacks.

"Was I drunk?"

"You weren't sober."

"A simple yes would suffice." Brick turned his memory upside down in search.

"Where's the fun in a simple yes?"

Etc, etc, etc...........

Contents
