

You're Welcome to

Date My Daughter

IF...

Published by

J. Richard Lewis

at Smashwords

Copyright 2012 J. Richard Lewis

Also published at Smashwords by J. Richard Lewis:

Marriage SOS: Spiritual, Obcordate, Sexy First Aid for YOUR Marriage!

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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You're Welcome to Date My Daughter IF...

Contents:
Part I--Prerequisites:

1.IF you know how to dress:

2.If you know how to speak:

3.If you are committed to a good education:

4.IF you DON'T drink, smoke or do drugs: (Including dip)

5.IF you have a clean driving and criminal record:

6.IF you understand and are committed to honor, chivalry, duty and integrity:

7.IF you know how to treat a lady:

8.IF you realize that "romance" and "sex" are not the same thing:

9.IF you realize that there's only one kind of BASEBALL you can play with my daughter, and is has NOTHING to do with dating:

10.IF you know (or are willing to learn) how to end a relationship well:

11.IF you recognize that she always has been, is, and always will be my precious daughter, a treasure I am committed to protecting above all else:

12.IF you tell me about your faith first:

13.IF you are committed to sexual purity before marriage:

Part II--Dating Behavior:

14.IF you tell me your plan:

15.If you tell me your "emergency plan:"

16.IF you go out with a group:

17.IF you recognize that to even THINK about the question of whether it is appropriate to kiss her on the first date is moving WAY too fast:

18.IF you understand that dating my daughter is very similar to soccer:

19.IF you understand what a "CHASTE" kiss is:

20.IF you understand plain English:

21.IF you know how to tell time:

22.Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth:

23.Concluding thoughts

You're Welcome to Date My Daughter IF:

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A Handbook for:

Teen boys who want to have even HALF a chance with MY DAUGHTER and girls like her

Dads to help make the ground rules ABUNDANTLY CLEAR to those boys, without risking jail

Daughters who have a boy in mind who they want to get approved by Dad

Moms, to help you feel comfortable that The Dad is on the job!

"Stand-In" Dads, to encourage you to do your part (see above)

By J. Richard Lewis and some of his rather imposing military friends who remember TOO well being a hormone-crazed teen boy, and who are eager to help said boys understand their precarious position.

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Introduction

I wrote this book with my friends' help because we now have daughters, and we are kind enough to let YOU know before you even get close to our daughters that WE know the lusts you think you can hide. We REMEMBER—it was not that long ago that WE were hormone-crazed teen boys thinking and trying to get away with EXACTLY what YOU are thinking and trying to get away with.

It may seem that dads like us are "control freaks," and for some of us that's true. It would help you stay healthy and in one piece if you remember that immutable fact. Others of us are only "control freaks" if you think of any sports' referees and umpires as "control freaks." The problem comes when a boy is trying to play "Capture the Flag," without realizing that my daughter is playing "Keep-Away"—two very different games with very different sets of rules. Just as any sports team can have a great time--as long as they play by the rules-- so too, can you have a great time (not THAT great a time!) in a dating relationship with my daughter.

In addition to the "rules" of the game that we are laying out here, it might be helpful for you to remember a few other bits of wisdom for your health and welfare: I am the umpire, and I can KICK you out of the game at any time (take the term literally or figuratively, whichever you prefer; you might want to know that Soccer was my game, and I always played a very tight defense!).

Neither am I nor are all the other dads who may have helped you get a look at this book, always rational. I retain the right to interpret these rules either very strictly or very loosely, however I see fit at any given time. In this game, it is the umpire (which is of course, ME) who has the bat—a very BIG bat, mind you.

You also might want to know that my daughter has gone through several types of self-defense training, and practices regularly on me, a hardened Soldier. While I consider myself a "peacemaker," I am not and never have been a pacifist, but am rather a firm believer in "peace through strength" (you might want to look up "Peacemaker" on your favorite on-line reference to see what kind of TOOLS are referred to as "Peacemaker.")

Since I don't claim to be rational in writing this, I don't feel much of a need to be consistent, either, at least in a literary sense. So I will as I see fit, bounce back and forth between addressing as "you," the teenage boy who is interested in my daughter, and "you" the dad of other teenage daughters interested in their protection.

I have at the same time also written this as a handbook for our daughters and their mothers, whom I might also address as "you." I hope you already know into which category you fit; I trust that you can figure out from the context, to whom I am addressing at any given time. If not, re-read it; it might push you to THINK—a novel concept I know, but that, too, might do you good, and it might help you get the point even better, which is an especially good thing if you are one of those teen boys.

Note to dads :

I have a friend whose 17 year old daughter is pregnant and unmarried at the time of this writing. She and her younger sister have been living with my friend's ex-wife, but with my friend in Iraq with me, the younger daughter decided to go live with my friend's new wife in another community. After only a short time in her new school, the girl asked, "Where are all the pregnant girls?" You see, in her mom's community, ONE IN THREE girls in her high school is pregnant. In this new school she didn't see any other than herself.

With her mom and in that community, the parents tended to not be very strict, letting many of the kids pretty much do what they wanted, hence the high pregnancy rate among teen girls. In the new community, the family values were more "traditional," with parents tending to enforce those values, hence remarkably fewer pregnancies.

The strange thing was, the girl originally WANTED to move OUT of the community with "free" values, TO the step-mom's home. But once she saw that different values meant a different lifestyle—she wanted to move back with her mom for more "freedom." A very costly freedom with one in three unmarried teen girls getting pregnant.

Doing the right thing is not the same as doing the EASY thing, but it is the RIGHT thing, and it PROTECTS OUR DAUGHTERS. You might want to assess the community in which your children live and it's impact on the values of your children's peers. Those peers' values will impact your children's lives and choices. WHERE you live and the values of the community, peers and parents of those with whom your daughters will be spending time, is your CHOICE.

It may not be an EASY choice, but it is a choice that you as parent make, a choice that you can CHANGE if need be, and a choice that YOU make that has tremendous impact on your children, your children's children, their lives and their eternities. I urge you to be INTENTIONAL about these choices, and to choose wisely. Is a bigger house or bigger yard worth the lives and eternities of your children?

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Part I—Prerequisites--

You're welcome to date my daughter...

1. IF you know how to dress:

You might protest that how you dress is harmless, and that how you dress is your merely expressing yourself. Exactly. And therein lies the problem.

Let's take for instance a simple one—the guy who dresses like a slob.* What are you "expressing" about yourself if you choose to dress this way? As I see it, you are trying to "express" that you don't care about what others think. Big problem.

If you want to date my daughter, you'd BETTER care about what she thinks. You'd better care about what I think. You'd better care about what her mom thinks. You'd better care about what her friends think. You'd better care about what Jesus thinks. You'd better care about what the people at church think... are you getting the picture?

Perhaps what you are trying to "express" about yourself is that you are "your own person," that you are "independent," that you don't bow to social pressure. Big problem. That's really a more politically correct way to say the above. That was only one paragraph earlier. I hope you haven't forgotten what the last paragraph said already. Not a problem if you did—just read it over again—it will probably do you good.

Perhaps you are trying to "express" of yourself that you are merely wanting to "fit in," or at least "fit in" with a particular group of your friends. Big problem. What else will you do in order to "fit in"? I can guess what you "friends" will TRY to get you to DO to fit in (with my DAUGHTER?? VERY big problem!) Knowing that you will not succeed in what they WANT you to DO with my daughter, I can only guess what you will SAY you did (with MY DAUGHTER?! VERY big problem AGAIN—even if it is "just talk"!)

So now you have several marks against you—1) you are NOT strong enough to be your own person; 2) you don't care about what people think, not my daughter, not her mom, not her friends, not Jesus, not the church folk, not me; 3) you are so self-centered and immature that you think "expressing yourself" is more important than anything else; 4) you are willing to impugn (look it up—it will do you good!) another's integrity just so you can "fit in;" 5) it's MY DAUGHTER whose INTEGRITY or 6) REPUTATION you are willing to tarnish for your petty friends; 7) you are showing me the kind and "quality" of "friends" you hang around with, and the unacceptable values they hold and would try to influence my daughter toward; AND 8) you still look like a slob.

Do you get the picture? And we haven't even gotten into the more complex choices of dress misguided boys make, which intend to "express" REBELLION against social norms. Guess what? My "traditional family values" fit squarely in the middle of those "social norms" you think are so important to rebel against. So go ahead and dress how you want to, I don't really care.

But I am COUNTING on the way you dress to be a very visible and important "expression" of who you are. Dress how you want, but don't count on getting anywhere with my daughter unless you dress in a way that expresses RESPECT: respect for yourself, respect for the person you are with (which you understandably would LIKE to be my daughter), and respect for the values that are important to her, her family, and her faith.

*IF the problem is you can't afford decent clothes, you can't afford to have clean clothes, or you have no idea how to dress better because that's the way you were raised—talk to me about it. You may notice that my list says nothing about money. What your family has is beyond your control. WHO you are, and HOW YOU BEHAVE are totally within your control. IF you meet ALL the other criteria, and IF you are willing to work on these issues—talk to me about it, and perhaps we can work something out—I've got PLENTY of stuff around the house you can do to earn some extra money, and that way I can KEEP MY EYE ON YOU at the same time, and that's a good thing...

AND...

2. If you know how to speak:

How you speak says the same things about you as how you dress, so I suppose I could just say "ditto" to all of the above. Except it's not as easy to claim that you can't afford to speak well.

I don't know about how YOU were raised, but back in the day, when my mom found out that my mouth was something other than "clean," she helped me remedy that pretty quickly by "washing my mouth out with soap." Really. Soap tastes nasty. She didn't have to do it that much. And if you're wondering, perhaps you've seen the movie with the big bar of soap in the kid's mouth—it's pretty much like that.

And even if you have a hard time in controlling your choice of words that you may attribute to how you were raised, you can always WASH YOUR OWN mouth out with soap at a public restroom without straining the family finances.

Yes, how you speak is a kind of "self-expression." My point exactly—ditto all the above concerning how you dress. "Self-expression" is really over-rated. A "normal" kid (I hear there are at least a FEW out there...) starts out life thinking "it's all about me!" It's cute till they are about two. They typically grow out of that phase by about three. They are SUPPOSED TO at least—ask your friendly neighborhood psychologist or shrink if you don't believe me.

So are you a two-year-old in a teenager's body? If not, then GROW UP—it's not all about you! The "self-expression" excuse is in effect saying "ME expressing MYSELF the way I want to, is MORE IMPORTANT that social norms, than you, than anybody else." And you want me to be happy about a guy like THAT wanting to date my daughter? I don't think so.

Find a Bible—if you can't find one, go to your friendly neighborhood church, ask the girl's dad, write to me—we'll all be happy to help you find one! Now don't get me wrong, we're NO WHERE NEAR even THINKING about "love" in the romantic sense here, but one of these days you might want to know what that is all about. Check out I Corinthians 13 in that Bible in your hands—it's toward the end, or you can of course use the table of contents to find it.

Read it. It's not that long—I hope it's not too much of a strain. THAT's what "love" is all about. Love is not about sweaty palms, or butterflies in your belly, or certain parts of your body doing certain things-- all that fun stuff—that's infatuation, that's lust, that's hormones being released in your body because a cute girl smiled at you—that's all.

Talk to me about I Corinthians 13, read over it out loud a few times—that's one way to learn how to speak. Notice that certain words are not in ANY translation of that passage—get the picture? LEARN about "love,"—but don't start talking to me about "love" with my daughter at this stage of the game—it will only show how foolish you are.

When adults who have been WORKING at "love" for many years still struggle with it, don't even THINK about using that kind of word with my girl! (Yes, you heard me right, I said "WORKING" at love—it is NOT an easy thing, and it has NOTHING to do with "doin' what come natchral-ly...")

AND...

3. If you are committed to a good education:

I'm not saying you have to be a genius, but that you must be COMMITTED to a GOOD education. Your grades are a reflection of that commitment. The effort you put into school is a reflection of that commitment. Living your faith should be your top priority, following closely in priority by being committed to and working your education.

If you are not committed to education, how are you going to LEARN how to (eventually) work at love? If you don't work at LEARNING how to love, you will be a dismal failure. If you are unwilling to even try, you are proving how much of a fool you are. I don't think my daughter is interested in hanging out with fools, and I KNOW I'm not interested in her hanging out with fools. 'Nuff said.

AND...

4. IF you have a clean driving and criminal record:

If you have anything OTHER than a clean driving and criminal record, sure you've already been punished for your irresponsibility and stupid decisions—but only because you've deserved it, and probably not punished severely enough! If you are rash or stupid and irresponsible enough to have run-ins with the law to earn a record at YOUR age, which is NEVER an "accident,"-- then I can pretty much count on you to continue to be stupid, rash and irresponsible when you are with my daughter, and that is unacceptable. Both because the risks to her PHYSICAL safety are too great, but so are the risks to her MORAL safety.

And before you even think about throwing back at me "So you're saying YOU have a perfect record?"—let me set the record straight—no, I do not. I've had a few tickets and have been in a couple of accidents—and every time I EARNED a ticket (which has not been that many times!), it has been because of MY stupidity and irresponsibility.

When you've been driving as long as I have, I'll give you a little leeway for stupidity. But YOU should still be so anxious about being in control of that deadly weapon you are driving, that I expect you to still have sweaty palms and to be hyper-vigilant whenever you get behind the wheel, so YOU have no leeway yet for stupidity and irresponsibility.

If it's a legal record BEYOND a few tickets—that proves to me that you have demonstrated a HABITUAL PATTERN of stupid and irresponsible behavior, showing no consideration for the needs or safety of others. Would YOU want someone like that to be dating YOUR daughter? I don't think so. Keep your nose and life perfectly clean for the next five or ten years, then let's talk again.

It's a scary enough world—both in terms of physical AND moral safety—when we do everything we can to protect the ones we love. Trust me—you are NOT that special a boy—others who do NOT present these risks to her are already lined up and waiting. You've made bad decisions, and they have ALREADY cost you dearly-- not the least of which is costing you ANY chance with MY DAUGHTER.

You can choose to get angry about it, or choose to change your ways (oh, and BTW, Jesus specializes in that kind of thing—helping people change their ways, that is, and you might even say He's your only hope...), but you cannot choose to pursue this kind of relationship with my daughter. If you TRY, that will cost you too...

AND...

5. IF you DON'T drink, smoke or do drugs: (Including dip)

"DITTO" the above with NUMEROUS exclamation points. 'Nuff said. If you feel a need to argue the point, re-read the last paragraph above.

AND...

6. IF you understand and are committed to honor, chivalry, duty and integrity:

"Honor" has to do with "reputation" and that which is worthy of praise. Honorable behavior does not usually call attention to itself, but is certainly not something you would want to hide. Are you thinking of doing something with my daughter that you would feel a need to hide from me? Then I bet that "something" is NOT "honorable"!

Are you doing something with my daughter that you wouldn't mind me knowing about, or that I might even be proud of you for? That's probably something I would call "honorable." "Honorable" and "dishonorable," might not be so easy to describe, but they are certainly easy to recognize.

The term "chivalry" is an ancient term used to describe the art and skill of handling horses. It became the term to describe the art and skill that knights of old would learn in order to handle their war-horses, and then became a term used to describe the high calling to which the classic knight would aspire, in how they treated all others, including ladies. The code of chivalry included fierce loyalty to the knight's boss, but also caring for the weak, religious piety, courteous behavior in general, fairness in all one's dealings, and of course, how to treat a lady (more on that later).

The image of the art and skill of handling a war-horse is helpful for the would-be romantic. Horses are dangerous, war-horses exceedingly so, as the horse itself was also a part of the knight's deadly arsenal. Handle a horse wrong and it will kick you, bite you, or more. Handle a horse wrong and it will buck you, and not cooperate at all. Handle a horse right, and it can be a beautiful relationship, one of great loyalty and mutual benefit. Handle a horse right and it will gladly and eagerly lend you its impressive strength.

There's certainly more to a relationship with a girl than a horse (but you might like to know that my daughter is strong as a horse, and knows HOW and WHERE to kick, too!), but all of the above is AT LEAST as true in a relationship with a girl as with a horse! (And BTW-- a key element to chivalry in terms of handling horses, was that knights would learn to handle them, even charging into battle—with no hands; therefore, chivalry in terms of how to treat a lady, means NO HANDS—I like the sound of that!)

"Duty" has to do with our responsibility to others, our responsibility in SERVICE to others. You will see that one of my main criteria has to do with your faith! We in the Christian world claim to be trying to live like Christ, who said of Himself, "For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others..."(Matthew 20: 28). If HE came to serve, rather than to BE served, then we should recognize that our duty is to serve others. Including the one with whom you HOPE to have some kind of romantic relationship. The relationship is NOT built on what it or she can do for YOU, but on what you and the relationship can do for HER. It sounds a little twisted, but if BOTH come to the relationship with the same attitude, it can be a beautiful thing.

An important part of your duty in a relationship of this kind is to protect her. Not only in terms of physical safety (hence the importance of your lack of DRIVING and CRIMINAL record!), but in terms of her emotional safety. The more any relationship develops, the more vulnerable both persons in the relationship become to being emotionally hurt. Even when YOU are hurt, even when it is time for the relationship to come to and end, it is your DUTY to protect her as much as possible, from EMOTIONAL harm as well. In this, the ability to disagree without being disagreeable is important.

And just as it WOULD be your duty to protect my daughter IF you pass all these criteria, and IF she thinks you are worthwhile, it is ALREADY my duty now, and always will be, to protect her—both physically and emotionally. It's a duty I take VERY seriously, just in case you were wondering.

INTEGRITY has to do with consistency in you identity and behaviors. You are who you say you are. You say what you mean. I can count on you to do what you say. When you say you will be a certain place at a certain time, you will be there. When you say that you are considerate, your actions had better back that up. When you make a promise, you keep it. If you say one thing to one person, and a different, contradictory thing to another, that is demonstrating a lack of integrity.

One of the ways a LACK of integrity is often played out with teens is with different groups of friends. Let's say Fred befriends Eugene. Eugene is a computer geek, whom all Fred's jock friends would not want to be seen with, because that would be "uncool." Eugene is helping Fred with his homework, they are having a nice friendly conversation. Fred's jock friends come around the corner, and all of a sudden, Fred is a totally different person toward Eugene, picking on him just like all the other guys are.

I'm sure you've seen that kind of thing happen lots of times. Perhaps you've been hurt, because you have been in the position of Eugene. Perhaps you have been (though I should HOPE NOT!) in the role of Fred or his jock friends. This is a picture of something OTHER than integrity. This is a picture of someone from whom I will work really hard to protect my daughter.

A final note on integrity—trust me—you can count on what I say when in comes to duty, and protection of the daughter that is my treasure. I suppose you COULD test me on this. But I wouldn't advise it.

AND...

7. IF you know how to treat a lady:

There's an old song whose chorus starts: "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me..." The key to knowing "how to treat a lady" (in ADDITION to the above!) is spelled "R-E-S-P-E-C-T." She is not anyone's "property," or "possession," she is a treasure, full of dignity and inherent worth, a treasure it is safe to say, that you are not worthy of! Respect her, treasure her, treat her like the special someone that she is, who is doing you a favor by allowing you to spend time with her. She is testing you—are you worth keeping around, or should you be sent packing?

At no point are you in any other position with her. She is welcome to (and I will encourage her to) dump you at any time for any reason. She doesn't have to answer to you for anything, she doesn't have to explain or prove anything to you to "allow" you to let her go. If you want her to allow you to continue spending time with her, then you have to continually show her that you are worth her time.

A big part of the relationship process for "romantic" relationships with teens is getting to know one another, and getting to know how well you get along. It's about getting to know if you are "good for each other," if you build one another up in positive ways, and if the benefits of the relationship, is worth the WORK of the relationship, of doing what it takes to get along.

Yes, you heard me right. I said "work" (again!). Relationships take work, and the more serious the relationship, the more "work" it involves, to include and ESPECIALLY one of these days (MANY) YEARS from now when you get married. It's okay if you don't know how to "work" so that you grow a good relationship—that's the great benefit of the joys and struggles of young relationships—helping you learn how to make a relationship work. You actually learn the most about how to make relationships work when a relationship fails.

That's a long way to say that the way to treat a lady is to show her that she is someone worth working at a relationship for. Some guys get the idea that having the right girl is all about making YOU look good for your friends. Wrong answer (but if it makes you feel any better, a lot of girls have the same idea about the guys they hang around with—so YOU can feel just as "used" as SHE does because of how you use her!).

Sometimes we think and talk, and many of the "love songs" do the same thing, as if she is "mine," or as if she "belongs" to you. Wrong answer again. Romance is not about "ownership," but about "relationship."

NOT that I am suggesting you are "IN LOVE" with anyone (ESPECIALLY not my daughter!), but if you want to get a good feel about what "true love" is all about, check out I Corinthians 13 in that Bible we were talking about earlier, especially verses 4-7 (I'm sorry, am I repeating myself? I wonder if that means it's important?).

Notice it doesn't say much at all about "feelings," but about BEHAVIORS. You might say "Well that's not talking about 'ROMANTIC' love..." which if you are talking about MERELY "infatuation," the butterflies in the stomach, the sweaty palms, seeing fireworks when you kiss (you're OBVIOUSLY talking about someone ELSE's daughter at this point, right?), the arousal that you feel in certain parts of your body, you may be right.

That kind of "infatuation" is a lovely by-product of the right kind of relationship. It is not the FOUNDATION of a "love" relationship as so many sappy songs would have you believe—that kind of "love" (using the term VERY loosely!) will NOT "see you through" as the songs suggest. That kind of infatuation is in fact a temporary chemical/hormonal "high" that comes and goes about as quickly as your blood comes and goes to certain parts of your body. Not that I'm knocking it—it's a fun thing! Feathers, cool breezes, ice cream, smoothies, roller coasters—these are all fun things too—all just as fleeting, though enjoyable, but just as foolish as "foundations" on which to build a relationship!

You treat a lady with RESPECT, as a person with her own hopes and dreams, strengths and faults, courage and fears. Treat her as someONE, not someTHING; she is a treasure to stimulate your life, not a stimulus to arouse your senses. She is not and will never be, someTHING you "possess," though if you are lucky and earn it, she might bless you with her friendship, and if you are VERY lucky, and WORK at it, she might even allow you to be a "special" friend.

AND...

8. IF you realize that "romance" and "sex" are not the same thing:

I have NO PROBLEM with you "romancing" my daughter as much as you want. I have a BIG problem with you getting sexually involved with my daughter! As much as advertisers, pop songs and more would have you believe that "sex" and "romance" are either the same thing, or somehow inextricably linked together, THAT's A LIE. To romance someone is to find ways to show your care and affection for another, to show that that person-- her wants, needs, happiness, her well-being, is important to you, is MORE important to you than your own.

Food is a very good thing—SOMETIMES. But MOST of the time, in MOST contexts, food is at LEAST inappropriate, and often a terrible mess or even disastrous. You seem perplexed at this thought? Only because our culture has well-established, firm "rules" that keep food in it's APPROPTIATE context, where it is a wonderful blessing, and that "automatically" keeps food out of inappropriate contexts.

Food on your plate is a very good thing. Food on your shirt is a very bad thing. One summer I was working as a summer church youth director, and was living with one of the church families. After a while, I learned that they had a pattern of having spaghetti every Thursday night. Long BEFORE I learned THAT pattern, I developed my own pattern of wearing a bright yellow shirt to dinner on Thursday nights.

It might help you to understand this as a problem if you realize that even now, I tend to need to us more napkins at dinner than my kids do. It was not a pretty sight. I had to develop another pattern of changing OUT of my spaghetti-splattered shirt AFTER dinner every Thursday night. In that instance, food became a regular inconvenience and embarrassing part of my life.

I love the commercial they used to show of the guy going to a job interview. He had an obvious food stain on the middle of his shirt. No matter what HE said to his prospective boss, the FOOD STAIN spoke a whole lot louder. In that case, food became disastrous.

We ate at long tables at "The Caf" where I went to college, usually sitting across from our friends. Sometimes our conversations became very friendly, and even hilarious. Hilarity is usually a very good thing. But not when you've just put a milky spoon full of corn flakes in your mouth. The friend sitting across from you when the hilarity causes that cereal that formerly resided in your mouth to spew forth from the laughing mouth, then often finds that hilarity to be out of place.

It's even worse if the food in your mouth at the time of the hilarity is more solid—spaghetti perhaps. Worse still if you try to protect your friend across from you by keeping your mouth closed. It still erupts, just from a different facial orifice. Not a good thing.

In this case, TWO things that are often very good: food and laughter, because of where and how they happen, become very bad things. Not that the "thing" itself is bad, but where, when and how it is expressed is the problem. My food on MY plate is a good thing. My food on my FRIEND'S plate—or on some other part of my friend, is not such a good thing.

When a baby is nursing, the mamma's milk is a very good thing—a wonderful blessing from God, the perfect food for a growing infant, a magical bonding moment for mother and child. When the baby burps it up all over you, it doesn't seem like such a blessing, and that sense of magic dissipates much more quickly than the aroma of what just came back up. Food in the belly for that growing baby is a very good thing; that same mamma's milk that was such a perfect food and wonderful blessing moments ago, now spewed all over your suit, is not a good thing. I know, I've been there.

And lest you wonder at my words that "MOST of the time, in MOST contexts, food is at LEAST inappropriate, and often a terrible mess," observe a dad feeding a ten month old some time. YOU figure out the ratio of food going IN the baby as compared to the amount of food ON the baby--and his chair, and the table, and the floor, and the dad trying to feed him, etc.! Of course the BABY doesn't see a problem with the mess. Neither does the dog who is more than happy to help clean it up!

But since when can we trust the "judgment" of a baby? Or since when can we trust the judgment of a dog? Have YOU seen the things the dog puts in it mouth? Have YOU seen how a dog gets to know other dogs? Judgment is often not a dog's strong point. Nor is it generally thought of as a strong point for hormone-crazed teen-age boys.

Did you know that cockroaches bite? I used to live in Florida, back in the day when it was virtually impossible to keep roaches out of the house. The folks up north where I live now, think the OCCASSIONAL cockroach that is a HALF INCH long is huge and disgusting. They are probably right. But they don't know REAL roaches! The kind that give an audible "pop" when you step on them, that you then need a mop to clean up. They sometimes call them "palmetto bugs," but that's too nice a name. Have you ever had a THREE INCH roach FLYING at your face when you turn on the light at night?

And they BITE! Food in the bed—just a crumb here and there in the wrong place... not a good thing.

Food can even be deadly. Try putting it down your wind pipe instead of down the right side of your throat—bad things happen. To summarize: food on a plate, in the belly, is a good thing. Most anywhere else is AT LEAST inappropriate, is often VERY messy, and can even be disastrous. Not that FOOD is bad—food in the right place at the right time, is a wonderful blessing—but food in the WRONG context, becomes a mess.

I would hope the comparison is obvious. Sex is a wonderful blessing, one of God's greatest works of art, a glorious gift—WHEN it is kept in the right place at the right time. How do you know if it's the "right place," or "right time"? Simple—if it is with the one to whom you are married. Then and only then.

If you want more on the whys and wherefores of that—the fact that with your spouse is the ONLY right time and place for sex—I guess you'll have to buy my next book (that next book is now out-- Marriage SOS: Spiritual, Obcordate, SEXY First Aid for YOUR Marriage!-- but ya gotta be MARRIED first! available at Smashwords.com).

In the meantime, I SUPPOSE you might find a little more on that in other helpful places—perhaps your BIBLE for starters, or one of the handful (or more) books on the subject in your Christian bookstore!

Sex and romance are NOT the same thing. To romance someone is to find ways to show your care and affection for another, to show that that person-- their wants, needs, happiness, their well-being, is MORE important to you than your own. I have NO PROBLEM with your ROMANCING my daughter. I'm sure as creative and brilliant a young man as you are, you can find some other helpful resources for ROMANCING if that is important to you (which I hope it is!).

Sex in the right time and place is a very good thing. Sex—like food—in the WRONG place and time (hint: where YOU are NOW!) is AT LEAST inappropriate, is wrong, can cause numerous problems (that could have very PERSONAL impact on YOU!), and can even be deadly.

AND...

9. IF you realize that there's only one kind of BASEBALL you can play with my daughter, and is has NOTHING to do with dating:

My daughter loves sports, as many girls do, so I won't say you can't play baseball with her. But there's another kind of "playing baseball" and getting to the different "bases"—THAT's what I'm talking about as a show-stopper. If you don't know what I'm talking about, just move on. If you know what I'm talking about, and I'm guessing most of you do—just move on. She's not in the game, period.

Remember, I'm not a "control freak," but I AM the umpire, and in THIS game, the UMPIRE carries the bat. I'd rather you not ruin ANY girl's life by playing her like that, but if that's the way you want to play, just realize that it might not be as hazardous to your health if you just move on and play a different field.

AND...

10. IF you know (or are willing to learn) how to end a relationship well:

Unless you are going to marry my daughter for her life-long, one and only marriage relationship (which I can GUARANTEE is a LONG way off, and THIS list is only the BEGINNING for THAT relationship...), IF you manage to get into a relationship with my daughter, it will eventually end. That in itself is not a problem—though I can imagine it will be a terribly painful experience for YOU, since I know how much of a treasure my daughter is to lose!

These relationships are often a part of growing up. They begin, they run their course, hopefully you each learn from them, and they end. The things you once had in common change, and you move on. Or you do something stupid, and she's eager to dump you. Try this piece of wisdom: if you insist on doing something stupid, go ahead and end the relationship gently before you do. It's much better for the both of you, and can be much better for your health.

I don't expect you to NOT do stupid things. Boys do that. Especially teen boys who are hormone-crazed (hint: ALL teen boys are by definition, hormone-crazed, so it's easy for both you and me to figure out which ones I'm talking about). But don't drag her down with your stupid decisions!

Many of the stupid decisions boys make can be very costly. Some can be deadly. You'll be much happier if you end the relationship first. It's easier to recover from your stupidity on your own, that to have someone you care for and respect reminding you how foolish your decisions were. It's easier to recover more quickly from your dumb decisions when you are the only one your bad decisions hurt. Make it easier on yourself, and end the relationship before you hurt MY daughter with your stupid decisions and mistakes.

AND...

11. IF you recognize that she always has been, is, and always will be my precious daughter, a treasure I am committed to protecting above all else:

IF you recognize that she always has been, is, and always will be my precious daughter, a treasure I am committed to protecting above all else (there I go repeating myself again—I wonder what that could mean?) I am committed to HER safety (physical, moral, emotional)—but not YOURS. I am highly biased and do not claim to be safe, stable, nor rational when it comes to her safety. If anything questionable comes out of your mouth in relation to her, I will not believe you, but you needn't worry too much as it will be our last conversation (though we may have other business to attend to thereafter that might not rightly be called "conversation").

If I hear of any questionable BEHAVIOR toward my daughter, now that might be something to worry about. And I'm not a lawyer, so "hearsay" is good enough for me.

I was talking with one of my friends about this little book when it was still in the process, and the question came up of how to handle that first conversation with the boy who is interested in my daughter. He said he's already had that conversation, and it included something like this: "I've got a .45, a shovel, and a lot of acreage, and you're not going to be missed..." He's a very sensitive kind of guy, this friend of mine, and wise. I've always thought it would be a good idea to get a place out in the country with some acreage...

AND...

12. IF you tell me about your faith first:

As a military Chaplain, an important part of my job is recognizing and supporting "religious pluralism," that is, recognizing the social validity and supporting "the freedom of expression" of a variety of religions. I have a lot of respect for a lot of people from a lot of religions. That doesn't mean they are the ideal candidate for dating my daughter!

My Christian faith is central to who I am as a person, it is central to who our family is, it is central to who my daughter is. The relationship we each have with God, how the life-changing grace of God in Jesus Christ has shaped each of us in our family, is more than just a "personal preference" or a "personal decision," and is a whole lot more permanent than where I happen to live, whether that is in Ohio or on this planet!

Any boy coming into my daughter's life (at THIS point in the game at least!) is probably going to be much more temporary than the grade she attends in school! Yet what kind of faith that boy might have will shape (IT SURE HAD BETTER!) who he is as a person, what his behavior will be in general, and more importantly, what his behavior will be WITH MY DAUGHTER (if his faith does NOT shape who he is and his behavior, see chapter 6!)

In addition to shaping who you are and your behavior, it will (SHOULD—see INTEGRITY again!) shape your values—what is important to you. So that even though you are "merely human," subject to human temptations based on your physiological makeup and the powerful mix of hormones surging through your body right now, your faith either will (which is GOOD), or will not (VERY BAD) make sexual purity as important to YOU as it is to MY DAUGHTER (and her PARENTS!).

In other words, because of YOUR faith and your values shaped by that faith, protecting you and her from sexual temptation should not only be important to my daughter, but equally important to YOU. The "dating relationship" (though we are still FAR from that!) then, does not become a GAME, of YOU seeing how far you can push her, how well you can wear down her defenses, before she DUMPS you (as she will EAGERLY do, if that's your game!)

So tell me about your faith—how is it shaping your values? How is it shaping your feelings and behavior in your relationships, and especially whatever "romantic" relationships you hope to have? How is it shaping your beliefs, values and behavior as they relate to what you will and will not do when you are with MY DAUGHTER? What are "slippery places" for you in relationships, what temptations do you struggle with, and how do you use the tools of your faith and life's habits and choices to combat those temptations? Tell me about not only what you will AVOID in relationships because of your faith, but what you are committed to DOING in your relationships because of your faith?

AND...

13. IF you are committed to sexual purity before marriage:

I remember a very foolish conversation I had one day when I was a teen. My path walking to school crossed right in front of Peggy's house, so we would fairly often walk to school together. We became friends of the normal ordinary type, though I began to suspect that she might have been hoping for something more. One day walking home from school she invited me in the house—I don't recall what led to that invitation now, nor how her father and I got into this conversation, but he was home that day, and we got to talking.

You've got to understand that I grew up in the church, and was very active with my church youth group at this point. Now I'm not saying that my church experience did not COVER the topic—it is very possible that they covered it even numerous times, but times I chose to take a nap or vacated my brain for other reasons.

And it might also help you to understand that at that point in my life I thought of myself as being almost brilliant, well-deserving of my decent grades, and it just MIGHT be possible that some of the other kids who knew me, thought of me as a LITTLE bit arrogant (look it up if you need to—it's a great word!). It might also help you to understand that Peggy's dad happened to be a pastor of a very conservative church in the area.

So he and I got into a conversation that somehow, though I recall not how at this point, turned to sexual behavior, and particularly sex before marriage. Though I was no biblical expert (yet HE was), though I had not thoroughly read every bit of the Bible (but HE had), and though I had no particular interest in his daughter (but HE sure did!), I DID have the fact that I THOUGHT myself brilliant, and might have had a LITTLE bit of arrogance on my side to boot!

Armed with an equal abundance of hubris and ignorance (two more great words to look up, that would make this much more clear if you do!), I said to this father whom I KNEW to be a pastor, "I really don't think the Bible says anything specifically about sex before marriage..."

Did I mention it was a foolish conversation on my part?

Peggy's dad proceeded to very politely correct me in my errors. He was polite—but he was not concise. It was a long and uncomfortable afternoon with the preacher and ME being his whole congregation!

Now in a very technical way, one MIGHT say that I had a LITTLE bit of ground to stand on. Many years later, now that I do have a bit more biblical knowledge as well as abundant evidence of my brilliance rather than a mere ASSUMPTION thereof (besides, my son and I will whole-heartedly agree that we are both rather brilliant—just don't talk to anyone ELSE in the family or who know us, and don't believe any evidence to the contrary...)—and now that I have a wonderful biblical search engine like biblegateway.com, I can pretty much guarantee you that most of the main translations in use today do NOT have the phrase "sex before marriage" in them—so how can they say there's anything wrong with "sex before marriage," right?

WRONG. Let me repeat in case that was not clear enough: WRONG! As in "DEAD wrong"—not that you should read anything into this lovely phrase, though as a dad with a daughter, I guess I would say if you DID happen to read anything into this phrase, it might not be a bad thing...

I've another word for you to look up: "FORNICATION." It might be very good for your health and help you avoid having the same kind of foolish conversation that I had many years ago with that daughter's dad (come to think of it, I rarely saw Peggy again—I wonder why that might be?)

So you say you're not sitting right next to a dictionary and it's too much trouble to get one? You poor thing, how could anyone ask so much of you? Fear not, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy—I've done the work FOR you! Of course if you don't believe me or don't like these definitions, you are more than welcome to look high and low for definitions from as many other reputable sources as you would like for a more palatable definition:

American Heritage Dictionary -

for•ni•ca•tion (fôr'nĭ-kā'shən)

n. Sexual intercourse between partners who are not married to each other.

Word History: The word fornication had a lowly beginning suitable to what has long been the low moral status of the act to which it refers. The Latin word fornix, from which fornicātiō, the ancestor of fornication, is derived, meant "a vault, an arch." The term also referred to a vaulted cellar or similar place where prostitutes plied their trade. This sense of fornix in Late Latin yielded the verb fornicārī, "to commit fornication," from which is derived fornicātiō, "whoredom, fornication." Our word is first recorded in Middle English about 1303.

Dictionary. Com Unabridged (v 1.1)

for•ni•ca•tion ˌfɔr nɪˈkeɪ ʃən - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fawr-ni-key-shuh n] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

–noun

1.voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other.

2. Bible. IDOLATRY.

[Origin: 1300–50; ME fornicacioun < LL fornicātiōn- (s. of fornicātiō). See FORNICATE1, -ion]

Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary

Fornication

in every form of it was sternly condemned by the Mosaic law (Lev. 21:9; 19:29; Deut. 22:20, 21, 23-29; 23:18; Ex. 22:16). (See ADULTERY.) But this word is more frequently used in a symbolical than in its ordinary sense. It frequently means a forsaking of God or a following after idols (Isa. 1:2; Jer. 2:20; Ezek. 16; Hos. 1:2; 2:1-5; Jer. 3:8,9).

Now armed with THIS knowledge and wisdom, take a look at the following passages and see if you would agree with me and my assertions in that foolish conversation of mine years ago. I went the easy route—but try it however you like. I used Biblegateway.com, one of many free Bible search engines that are available, and typed in the word "fornication." It came up with at least 35 entries—not all of which are explicitly stating that "fornication is wrong"—many are instead putting "fornication" in a league with other comparable evils, so you get a feel of HOW STRONGLY God feels about it.

Just so you're not feeling like I'm asking too much of you, here are a few of the passages that are most direct for our purposes. Of course you are welcome to make your own searches (there's actually a good deal more to find! Especially when you use the broader understanding of fornication as a form of IDOLATRY—try THAT for a search word!), or you could go the route I chose to with Peggy's dad—it doesn't bother me if you choose to look foolish in front of my daughter—it just makes my job all the easier! So take a look if you would like to:

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

" For out of the heart comes evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders."

Matthew 15:18-20

King James Version (KJV)

"Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers,"

Romans 1:28-30

King James Version (KJV)

"For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication"

1 Thessalonians 4:2-4

King James Version (KJV)

"Even as Sodom and Gomorrha, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire."

Jude 1:6-8

Sexual Immorality

12"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13"Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also."

I Cor. 6: 12-14--New International Version (NIV)

The Message renders verse 12 above rather nicely I think:

12 "Just because something is technically legal doesn't mean that it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims."

Do you want freedom, or do you want to make yourself a SLAVE? That's what it can come down to. Now "fornication" is in fact a term that is not often used these days, but the same idea in translated in a variety of ways in other versions of the Bible—but none of them are pretty:

sexual rack and ruin

glory dragged in the mud

corrupt the body

gross immorality

unnatural vice

defile the flesh

sexual sin

sexual immorality

sexual vice

One more bit of wisdom in this area before you get tired of my ranting. SOME guys might THINK that it must be a more "MANLY" thing to have such sex drive, that once they get past a certain point, they "can't control themselves" their drive is so "strong." And because of that, some get the idea that their lack of control is somehow excusable—because they are such MANLY guys, of course! Some of our pop culture songs and romance movies or novels seem to perpetuate this BS (that's "Baloney, Stupid;" I'd like to use stronger language that just might start with the same letters, but then you wouldn't believe me when I tell you I'm a Chaplain!)

In any other setting, what do we think about someone who is unable to control themselves? We think of lack of control as WEAK, and rightly so! To even SUGGEST you "can't control" yourself shows a terribly lack of maturity; to lie to yourself to even consider the possibility that you "can't control yourself" shows intense STUPIDITY, IMMATURITY, and WEAKNESS. Do you want to carry any of those labels? If you are, in FACT, "incapable" of controlling yourself," there's a simple solution: castration (another great word to look up). That should do it.

Or if you don't like that idea, you could just look at the GOOD NEWS straight out of the Bible (you may have THOUGHT is was just "bad news," ruining all your fun—but look what it can save you—you'll understand what I mean if you just looked up that last twenty-five cent word!) The GOOD NEWS that God shares with us is this:

"The temptations in your life are NO DIFFERENT from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will NOT ALLOW the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, HE WILL SHOW YOU A WAY OUT so that you can endure."

(I Cor. 10: 13, New Living Translation)

Sexual temptation is HARD, there's no way around it—no way around the TEMPTATION that is—which is NOT to say there's no way around FALLING prey to temptation. And the tighter and sexier the clothes the girls wear, the HARDER it gets. And guess what? Even when you get married and old like me, you STILL have to deal with sexual temptation!

I remember hearing a story once about a college class having to do with love and sexuality. The professor was something like 84 years old, and at one point, one of the students (a GUY, obviously) asked him "At what age do you stop getting interested in sex, and stop getting tempted by this kind of thing?" The professor thought for a moment, and then replied, "I don't know, but it's sometime after 84!"

But you're not the only one having to deal with sexual temptation—we ALL do. And AT THE SAME TIME—and this is the GREAT news—"He will NOT ALLOW the temptation to be more than you can stand..." and THAT's great news in itself, but even BETTER news follows: "He will SHOW YOU A WAY OUT so that you can endure"—which in fact, should read "NUMEROUS WAYS OUT so that you can endure."

But you know what that means? It means you have NO EXCUSE. Every time you CHOOSE to succumb to temptation, it is an intentional choice—often a SERIES of intentional choices on your part, at EVERY point of which that you COULD have chosen differently.

Take for instance, the classic scene: mom and dad are away for the weekend, and they "trust" their teen boy in the house on his own for the weekend, gaining from him first the promise that he will not have anyone over when they are away. Surprisingly enough, he falls to temptation, and invites his girl over for an EARLY movie, "to make sure things don't get out of hand." He's rented more than one movie--conveniently those that are romantic "chick flicks," because he's being "thoughtful" to get something she'll like, knowing of course, that romantic movies are really great to set the stage for what comes later...

After two romantic movies, a little bit of snuggling (or MORE), it's only 10:00, and she's not expected back home until 11:00 (I'm being conservative here). Oh, and golly, he forgot to mention that his parents were out, and what he REALLY meant by saying he was "taking her to a movie," was that he was taking her to his dark, empty, and guaranteed-to-not-be-disturbed home. They are on the couch together, the mood is right, the candles lit, they are COMPLETELY alone and KNOW they won't be disturbed, and she says "So what would you LIKE TO DO now...?"

And maybe, just maybe the couple will feel guilty about it the next day—and rightly so! But they will both TRY to lie to themselves and anyone else willing to listen, to say "It was an ACCIDENT, we didn't MEAN IT TO HAPPEN, the temptation was just TOO MUCH to handle—I don't know what I could have done to keep from falling into this temptation..." BS! (see note above...)

PARENTS: take the hint—NEVER TRUST a hormone-crazed teen-ager to be home alone! Don't you remember what YOU were like as a hormone-crazed teen? TEENS: DON'T EVEN try that BS (see note above) about "you can TRUST me..." HOGWASH! Or I guess I can say I CAN trust you—I TRUST that I know EXACTLY what's going on inside your little head (take that how you would like) given this possibility!

There are LOTS of Bible verses not only guiding us away from "slippery places," but also giving us GREAT advice on HOW to do so. The following is only one of MANY such passages, but I chose this one because it presents a very clear, step by step process, offering "NUMEROUS WAYS OUT so that you can endure":

23 Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

24Put away from you a deceitful mouth And put devious speech far from you.

25 Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you.

26 Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.

27 Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

(This version of Proverbs 4: 23-27 is a mash of segments from the New Living Bible, the New American Standard Bible, and the New International version, because the different translations helped highlight different facets of these steps well.)

1: (vs. 23) "Guard your heart"—pretty self explanatory. What you set your heart on is what will shape the choices you make. Set your heart on "purity," and the choices become much easier (note I'm not promising that it will make the choices EASY, but easiER!). Set your heart on "getting the girl," and the decisions become harder.

2: (vs. 24) – what comes from your mouth is a reflection of what is in your MIND, so you can also say "put away from you a deceitful MIND and put a devious MIND far from you." How many decisions of a DEVIOUS, DECEITFUL mind do we see working in the scenario above? Okay, so maybe YOUR situation wasn't EXACTLY like that one—but I'm sure that's only because you haven't had the opportunity YET.

Could, by any stretch of the imagination, any of those devious or deceitful decisions in the scenario above (or change the specifics to meet YOUR situation) be considered an "accident"? Hardly. There is INTENTION, as well as deviousness and deceit at every step of the way. It COULD be that the one deceived is the parent—you promised you wouldn't have anyone over, but you lied. Or it could be that you are deceiving yourself—"I can handle it, it's not so hard after all..." Or worse yet, you could be deceiving the one you "love" (or are more accurately, intending to USE or take advantage of), and perhaps "forgot" to mention to her that your parents were gone and that you bribed and threatened you little brother to stay at his sleepover...

Could any (or all) of those devious, deceitful decisions have been "put away" as the Proverb says? You betcha, no doubt about it. Is this providing simple, direct guidance for "how to" overcome temptation? DITTO!!!

3: (vs.25)—Need I really say more on this one? How often do a guy's eyes get him in trouble? Now you DO KNOW, don't you, that the proverb is meaning that we are to "fix our eyes" straight ahead on GODLY things, NOT to "fix our eyes on WHAT (or WHO!) lies before you" in that tight mini-skirt! I think Job says it best, as he is most direct, and not using the poetic flair of the proverb, so it's harder to rationalize your way out of this one: "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl." (Job 31:1) If you're not "looking"—filling your eyes and heart with that beauty that you can't have-- then it is easiER to get past the temptation.

Now I know it's hard enough not to be "looking" (as in, "intently focusing" on CERTAIN things, lustfully, desirously) with the real live people you happen across in your NORMAL daily activities. To a large extent, you can't avoid SEEING in that sense—but you CAN avoid "looking" as I just described, and as both Job and the writer of the Proverbs is talking about.

Now I SHOULDN'T have to mention other kinds of "looking," such as in certain magazines--and I KNOW and YOU KNOW it's more than just the "porn" magazines I'm talking about! Just because it's a sports magazine "special edition," or you can say "but it's not porn..." doesn't mean anything—that's a bunch more BS (see note above), and YOU know it! A lot of guys who have serious issues with "porn" either start, or continue, with something as simple as the lingerie ads in the newspaper—you're NOT fooling ME!

And I know the pop-ups themselves on the internet can be enticing, let alone the links they take you to, and just because it's a voluptuous cartoon (or comic book, or graphic novel, or anime, etc) image doesn't make it any more innocent. Sure, it's all around you, and even invasive whether you want it or not, but you CAN just as easily and quickly click on the little "x" in the corner of the pop-up to close it, as you can click on the button to open it, and you CAN get filters for your computer to help!

If we do anything OTHER than avoiding, clicking out of, etc., that kind of thing, then jump back up to point 2 above—"deceitful, devious..." Can these temptations be eliminated? No, but they can be minimized. Can these temptations be overcome? No doubt. Has God provided a way out? LOTS of them!

4: (v. 26) This one is actually two steps in one: MAKE level paths, and then, stay on a "FIRM" path—

a) MAKE level paths--Have you ever been taking a walk in the woods and seen places where there are clear path, places where there are beginnings of paths, overgrown paths, and no paths? A path is simply a route that has been cleared and made easy by use. Once it's been used a lot, it is a very clear direction, an easy way to go, your feet just naturally want to follow it. If a path has not been used much, either because it's brand new or little used, it tends to get overgrown, and less clear, less easy to travel. If a route has not been used at all, there is no path, so the route is difficult to find and difficult to follow.

"MAKE level paths..." in terms of avoiding temptation of any sort, is much like making paths in the woods. If you've heard of a tool to get past temptation, but have never even tried it, it's like a route with no path—you may trust it is the way to go, but the going is difficult, unclear. On the other hand, the more a path is followed, the easier, the more clear, and more natural it becomes.

Take prayer, for instance, as a way to overcome temptation: if your lusting eyes lead you into temptation (is that really an "if"?), someone (like me) may suggest to you, that as soon as a "lustful" thought enters your head as yours eyes land on someone, that you start praying for that person (of course it's helpful to take your EYES off of her as well, especially off of... well, you know what I mean!).

That might sound a little goofy (I know it's an old, goofy word, forgive me...), but that's because it is like a route you've never tried where there is no path, but where someone you trust has pointed you the right direction. It can be especially difficult if you don't know anything about her—or do you?

I bet she's someone in your school—or a nearby school, but still a student. Not knowing anything else about her, you already know a lot: she's under pressure to make good grades, she's worried about what her friends think about her (even the most "popular" kids worry about that!), her relationships with her parents and siblings are probably strained, she needs to grow closer to God, she wants to be a good friend to others, but is unsure of herself, she is unsure of her future and what she wants to do with her life—and there's probably MORE you already know about her that is typical of ALL kids your age.

Pick just ONE thing to pray about for her—and that will start making a path. The more you do it (and I'm sure you have PLENTY opportunity for practice, as busy as YOUR eyes are!), the more of a "path" you will make, the easier it will be to automatically shift into PRAYER for that pretty girl your eyes have landed on, rather than LUST for her.

b) Stay on a FIRM path—Once you start making paths, FOLLOW THEM! Once you start making paths, it becomes easier to see the danger areas, the swampy ground, the slippery ground in terms of times and places you fall into temptation. You just might find that going to a party at a friend's house whose parents are away that weekend is more of a "slippery," less "FIRM" path, than going to the football game with the guys. You might find that going to a particular mall to hang out at is more "slippery," less of a "FIRM" path, than going out to play paintball with the church youth group. Get the picture?

5: (v. 27) Keep your foot from evil— One of my favorite movies that they always showed around Christmas time when I was a kid and that I still love today, is the classic "Santa Clause is Coming to Town"—you've probably seen it too. Remember in the scene once the Winter Warlock has captured Kris Kringle, how Kris convinces the Warlock ("Winter, if you please...") to change his ways? Then they go into the song "Just put one foot in front of the other..." That scene and song is a GREAT parable for helping kids understand what "true repentance" is all about that the churchy-type folks like to talk about.

It can also be a good illustration of walking the WRONG way too. "But I don't know HOW to change..." says the chagrined Winter Warlock, to which Kris replies, "Just put one foot in front of the other..." But that same process can take you one step at a time, into dangerous territory.

As long as you "keep your foot" from that FIRST step in the wrong direction, you won't take the SECOND and THIRD steps. Second and third steps are always easier than first steps—SO—don't take the FIRST step, then EVERY first step thereafter is just as hard to take! Just like when you are on that clear path in the woods, of course you COULD take a step off into the woods—but it's much less easy to do than if you let your feet follow a familiar path that YOU have made to keep you on the RIGHT path!

LAST THOUGHT on this—now that you are seeing that God "will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand..." AND "When you are tempted, he will show you (MANY) way(s) out so that you can endure"—You now have NO excuse! (I can find you THAT Bible verse too, if you would like!)

Sure, there's a lot of temptation to worry about—and the way girls your age (and lots of ages!) dress, it makes it all the more difficult. But you are not the only one. It will NEVER be too much for you to bear. You have LOTS of ways to combat the temptation. You have lots of DADS who are more that happy to help you fight the temptation!

And you just might want to know that you have lots of dads who KNOW you have NO EXCUSE if you DON'T win that battle when it comes to their daughters. Many (most?) of these dads would not hesitate to go crazy (on YOU!) if you let yourself succumb to temptation with our daughters. And many of us dads are capable of finding judges who might find that "temporary insanity" is a useful and valid defense for those dads...

~~~~~

AND...

Part II: Dating Behavior:

Before you start reading this section, you might want to re-read the above. My criteria are pretty strict—are you sure you can pass them? You don't even need to BOTHER with this section unless you can pass the above, but IF, by some slim chance you CAN pass the above, OR if you are just curious to see what my expectations are assuming you ever get to this point, I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a look.

It just MIGHT be a good idea too, to take a look at what follows to just get a good idea of what some of us dads feel is APPROPRIATE dating behavior, that, if you were to follow them, would make us THRILLED as dads to have YOU dating OUR DAGHTERS!

AND...

14. IF you tell me your plan:

So what do we plan to do when WE are together? Go ahead—make great plans, I'm flexible, and I've got a big car! We can do LOTS of things together to get to know one another. What? You weren't meaning to include ME in your plans? That's fine—the mamma can take you just as well as I can—or you can go with the church youth group, or go on the mission trip together—there's LOTS of great things you can plan where you and my daughter can get to know each other quite well, and do some good in the world together!

Did you realize that it's easier to stay safe and healthy (in ALL kinds of ways!) and harder to slip into inappropriate behavior if you are in a GROUP together, and especially if you are doing a ministry or service project together? Don't have a church yet? Not a problem—there's always room for one more at OUR church!

The whole idea is to "get to know her" better, right? and to "have a good time together," right? I don't have a problem with that at all! I'd love for you to get to know my daughter better—and for ME to get to know YOU better too, and I'd love for you to be able to have a jolly good time together! I LOVE having a good time together with my daughter and her friends!

It works quite well to do all of the above in a GROUP setting TOGETHER, especially if it is a church group activity! Well, I guess a part of "dating" is to grow in your "relationship" with one another too, I suppose. Not a problem! A "relationship" is no more than building memories together, doing things together, learning what it means to be friends (even becoming "special friends"—I've no problem with that!) sharing in deep and meaningful ways with one another—and a GODLY relationship (which I'm SURE is what YOU are looking for with MY daughter!) is always built in the context of that relationship under and in conjunction with God!

You think your relationship "needs" privacy to grow? Fine—show me chapter and verse where our scriptures say that "dating" teens "need" privacy—and I'll believe you! I'm really easy to convince. Of course if I am asking YOU to show ME chapter and verse to back you up, then it's only fair for YOU to ask ME for some scripture references to help understand my perspective.

Well now that you mention it, I'm glad you asked! Here's a few verses I found pretty quickly to help you with that. Just to make it easy for you, I collected a bunch of them together, and you'll find them at chapter 13 above—would you like me to find more?

You may be wondering why I'm so concerned about finding moral or behavioral guidance from the Bible. That's a fair question. We should all be clear on how we can understand what "right" and "wrong" are when it comes to moral and behavioral issues. A lot of people like to talk about their "conscience" as a moral guide, or following in the tradition of John Locke who popularized ideas like a "natural law" foundational to our Constitution I might add, with "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" and all that.

You might even suggest that you are merely following your "rights" to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" with my daughter. But you've got to realize that the "happiness" our Constitution is talking about is not a simple as getting your hormones happy or "getting your rocks off." You can do that on your own without bothering me or my daughter or anybody else for that matter, I won't object one bit.

It might be helpful for you to know that I've spent a good bit of time counseling with people, working with folks in jail or prison, working in a mental hospital with the "criminally insane." An awful lot of those folk will tell you that they were doing "what felt right," or following their "conscience"-- and that's exactly what got them behind bars. Just because the song says it, doesn't mean its true-- lyrics like "feels so good it can't be bad" are as common as the stuff flushed down my toilet, and just as toxic.

A LOT of people for generations, for hundreds of years, for thousands of years, have seen people who have claimed they are "following their conscience" right into jail or a hangman's noose. So a LOT of people for generations, for hundreds or thousands of years, have put the finest minds in the world to work on the problem of helping to understand how to find reliable guidance as to what are "right" or moral behaviors that won't get you in trouble with pretty daughters' dads. Literally millions of those finest minds in the world across time have realized that an objective measure is better than measuring what's right by what can make me "happy."

The Bible as we know it, has provided that objective measure for hundreds if not thousands of years, for most of the most enduring cultures on earth. I'm one of those people, you're interested in my daughter, and if you've gotten this far, you've made it through and can accept chapters 6,7, 12 and 13 already, so you, too, must be committed to both yourself and to your helping my daughter both grow in the Christian faith, based on this same Bible. Nuff said.

Notice that NONE of the Bible verses I'm suggesting say ANYTHING to suggest that you can't "have a good time" in "dating" relationships. They just help us understand where the boundaries are. After all, what kind of game would football be if there were no boundary lines? How could baseball work if there were no foul balls, and no way to hit the ball out of the park? How could basketball be a demonstration of skill if the baskets were as big as the court? How could we have roads to get us where we're going if there were no edges to the roads? How could we have the thrill of white-water rafting if the river had no banks, no rocks to provide the action?

These are all examples of BOUNDARIES that DEFINE the experience—BOUNDARIES are GOOD—otherwise all that is left is chaos and flatness, no challenge, no purpose, no meaning. The BOUNDARIES define the experience—no boundaries, no experience! Is that what you want—no experience? That would be sad indeed. But in order to HAVE the experience, BOUNDARIES are essential.

Making a plan provides boundaries. Ancient wisdom provides boundaries. Dad's provide boundaries. Boundaries are good. Boundaries are essential. Stay in the boundaries, you can stay in the game; go out of bounds, and you are no longer in the game. And this is the least of your worries.

AND...

15. If you tell me your "emergency plan:"

"Physical safety" is of course very important. If ever you are in an accident with my daughter, it had BETTER be the other guy's fault. Otherwise it might be fatal. If you ever put my daughter in any kind of danger, realize that whatever danger you are facing at that point is not nearly as hazardous as the danger you will face later. Also realize that while YOU are expendable, she is not; act accordingly.

THAT is, of course, all common sense. I DO hope you have common sense.

But the kind of "emergency" I'm thinking of more at this point SHOULD be common sense, but is terribly uncommon these days. While it may be uncommon with other guys, it will either be "common sense" for you, or you will not be in our lives, so it won't matter. What I am referring to here is an "emergency" in terms of "moral safety."

Careful planning is key to avoiding issues of moral risk and safety. YOU know where the "slippery places" are where your moral safety may be at risk, and it would behoove you to know that I know the "slippery places" too; I tried many of them myself when I was NOT the dad...

But despite the best of planning, it is at least CONCEIVABLE (though BARELY, I must add), that a situation MIGHT arise that presents some moral risk. (Because it is so hard to conceive of such a situation IF you are planning well and acting honorably, you might want to realize that the first time will be your last time; you may of course, take this wisdom however you like).

You are welcome to date my daughter IF you tell me what your "emergency plan" is—what you will do to PREVENT such situations, and if, by the craziest chance (like when pigs fly) you do find yourself in such a situation, how you will get yourselves out of that situation immediately and BEFORE it becomes very hazardous to your health.

It is true that you may not feel that you have the need to develop an emergency plan. That's fine. You don't have to spend any time with my daughter either! If you want to spend time with my daughter, guess what?

AND...

16. IF you go out with a group:

The old game show entitled "The Dating Game" expresses it well—"dating" as most people understand it, is a kind of "game," where everybody "plays pretend." The girl pretends to be coy, and not want to "go too far" sexually. But she gets "pretty" to use her sexual appeal to gain the attention of the boy. The mere act of gaining his attention, of becoming his center of attention, is a great pay-off for her. She also wants to "experiment," to go as far as she can until she starts to feel guilty, and her continuing down this road GUARANTEES she will be the center off of some boy(s)' attention.

Very often she's more after the attention and affection than the "sex" itself, but she finds that becoming sexually active is always the quickest and "easiest" route to getting the attention and affection she wants.

Most boys don't seem to mind this arrangement at all.

But the boy in this game usually pretends to NOT be so interested in sex, so that dads who are in their own pretense and illusion won't chase them off. But the boy's game is to usually PRETEND to be interested in "HER," not "just" her body, and then to keep gently nudging her further and further until she "gives in."

Often in his part of the game, he sometimes subtly, sometimes more obviously, communicates to her, that she "owes" him for taking her out, buying her dinner and the like, and he often also communicates to her that if she will not provide him her sexual favors, he will no longer lavish his attention on her.

The mom usually pretends that, though she KNOWS what most boys "really" want, that this boy is somehow different, valuing the girl for all she is, rather than for what she can give. Or, if she has already succumb to the delusions of the world, she pretends that getting the "best" boy's attention is somehow Important, and worth giving her girl away to any boy remotely resembling the "best."

The dad usually pretends that though HE knows (even better than the mom!) what most boys "really" want, that this boy is somehow different. OR, if he has already succumb to the delusions of the world, he will think that the better the boy (usually in an athletic kind of way) the girl can attract, the more it reflects well on HIMSELF!

Central to the "success" (if you can call it that) of this game, is the boy's PRETENDING that he will stay honorable with the girl, and everyone else pretending they believe the schmuck. Then once they are out—maybe not the first date, but certainly in later dates (though the earlier the better from the boy's perspective), the game is to find as much time in as private a place as they can find to "TALK," and they then let their fingers do the talking—to start with, but then it goes downhill from there.

The parents then PRETEND that the kids are merely "growing up" in this process, and because the parents "TRUST" their kids so much, they assume that the kids will, with very little guidance, make a series of "good" or "mature" decisions, and not do anything stupid until they are "ready"

(HINT: I've seen countless marriages fall apart because ADULTS fail to make "good" and "mature" decisions and put themselves in "slippery places"—do you think I'm going to trust a hormone-crazed TEEN to ALWAYS make "good" and "mature" decisions, to wait until they are "ready," when they are in the throes of "passion?")

THIS homey don't play that. And guess what that means? It means that any boy- that means YOU! ...who wants to "get to know" my daughter better, don't play that either! Remember that I am the umpire, and ALL that entails...

Forget "privacy"—what do you really need it for, if your intentions are always "honorable"? Join the family for game night and popcorn! Go out with the gang—I'll even offer to drive! You want privacy? Use the very nicely lit porch swing right outside my window, and I promise not to watch ALL the time (but I'm not going to tell you when I'm NOT watching!), and I promise not to sneak out onto the porch with you--not TOO often at least. Groups are a GREAT protection against the temptations your hormones are bound to throw at you constantly (temptations that are thrown at you all the MORE often when you are ALONE together!)

(Now I realize you might be thinking that I have REALLY outdated ideas if I THINK kids are even THIS concerned about traditional morality-- a part of me KNOWS that even among a lot of church kids these days, they don't even play this PRETEND game any more, and are much more overt in their sexual activity that I might like to pretend! Please humor me, and let me live a little longer in my fantasy world in which Christians still care about traditional sexual morality...)

AND...

17. IF you recognize that to even THINK about the question of whether it is appropriate to kiss her on the first date is moving WAY too fast:

Imagine you've always wanted to go sky-diving (doesn't take much imagination for a lot of guys—sounds like great fun!). You've seen TV shows with sky-diving, you may have seen it at air shows before, you may have even seen one of those IMAX shows with sky diving or cliff diving, you may have seen the Army's Golden Knights or some other diving team. Of course you are wise enough to recognize that's not the way you START your sky-diving hobby, you are wise enough to know that you've got to start small, maybe even start with a class.

Problem is, sky-diving classes are costly, and you don't have enough money. But you've always been good at finding the best prices, so you shop around, and you find a guy who's got a little plane and he's willing to teach you. So you go to his class, but you are so eager, you want to skip all the introductory parts, and get right at it. You know that you are supposed to jump from thousands of feet up, but in your eagerness, you suggest to your teacher, "How about just get right at it, and start the first jump from maybe a hundred feet up?"

You're brilliant! You realize you can save money with less time in class, less time in the air before you get to the good stuff also means less money, and you'll get to your goal quicker that way too!

Your instructor thinks about it for a moment, and answers with his slow southern drawl, "Now that sounds like a darn good idear, but don'cha think it might be a good idea ta learn how ta put on a parachute first?"

You're so eager to get to the jumping, that you forgot the simplest basics like putting on the chute. Not a wise move.

Romantic relationships (especially with MY daughter!) are the same way—there's a lot of preliminaries before you get to the big jump, and if you don't go through all the preliminaries, it can be very dangerous. Yes, a kiss is just a "little jump," but so is a jump of 100 feet! And all the time-consuming preparations to get to where you are "ready" for the real jump are merely for your safety.

Same with the long, drawn-out "preparations" before you can even think about kissing my daughter. We wouldn't want anything to happen to you if you didn't take enough time, would we? The resulting IMPACT might be very painful and hazardous to your health...

AND...

18. IF you understand what a "CHASTE" kiss is:

Let's turn to the wisdom of the august Mr. Webster to help us with this one:

Chaste\ (ch[=a]st), a. [F. chaste, from L. castus pure, chaste; cf. Gr. kaqaro`s pure, Skr. [,c]udth to purify.]

1. Pure from unlawful sexual intercourse; virtuous; continent. "As chaste as Diana." \--Shak.

Whose bed is undefiled and chaste pronounced. --Milton.

2. Pure in thought and act; innocent; free from lewdness and obscenity, or indecency in act or speech; modest; as, a chaste mind; chaste eyes.

3. Pure in design and expression; correct; free from barbarisms or vulgarisms; refined; simple; as, a chaste style in composition or art.

That great model of chaste, lofty, and eloquence, the Book of Common Prayer. --Macaulay.

4. Unmarried. [Obs.] \--Chaucer.

Syn: Undefiled; pure; virtuous; continent; immaculate; spotless.

("chaste." Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary. MICRA, Inc. 29 Aug. 2008. <Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/chaste>.)

Let's focus on the second listed definition here as giving us the clearest insight into what a "chaste" kiss might be—though don't get all excited yet—it's STILL too early to be thinking along these lines—I'm just making sure you know what your FUTURE looks like for a good long time—IF, and only IF you get past everything else!

"Pure in thought and act"—notice we're talking in THOUGHT too. A really smart guy named Jesus said something about that a long time ago, about the power of mere THOUGHT when it comes to things like this:

"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell."

(Matthew 5: 26-29 in that same Bible you picked up earlier)

Now, "adultery," if you don't know, is sex outside of marriage. Meaning here that even if you're just THINKING it, fantasizing about it, whatever, it's just as bad as the "real thing." And don't EVEN try to tell me what you're NOT thinking or fantasizing about—remember, I was there not that long ago!

"What could be so wrong with that?" you might wonder? I'm glad you asked! It's a strange little secret about how human brains work—ESPECIALLY those marinated in too many teen hormones. It works the same with fantasies as it does on the football field, baseball field, or whatever. I'm sure you've heard your coach say in some way or another "IMAGINE yourself a winner—and you BECOME the winner! IMAGINE yourself making the goal—and you're half-way there! Put the picture firmly in your mind of you making the play—and the victory is won!"

Coaches tell you those kind of things because it is so TRUE, the power of the mind to get us past obstacles, and help bring about the desired goal is impressive. The power of the imagination can get us to ACT differently, simply because we THINK differently. It's a great tool for coaches to capture the power of the imagination to shape behavior. But it can be a great curse to our spiritual lives as well.

When you start THINKING differently about a person, the "object" of your lust in this case, you start to act differently around them. And in the hormone-soaked teen male brain, it turns a REAL person—a girl who is a blessing in so many ways because of the many different facets of who she is—into a one-dimensional "object" to be taken, possessed, conquered, rather than one who is Real.

When a hormone-soaked teen male brain starts THINKING about sex in relation to a particular girl, then whenever he sees her or gets near her,that becomes the focus, the obsession even, on his thoughts in relation to her. The thoughts take a short-cut, bypassing things like "I wonder how she's doing today?" "she looks a little sad, I wonder what's going on, if there might be some way I can help?" "She is SO smart with math, I wish she could help me out with this..." "I heard she's going on a church mission trip-- I'd love to hear about that!" and so on. Your thoughts go straight to things like "What can I do to get her alone and get my hands all over her?"-- and not much more.

How superficial! But then your ARE a teen boy, so what should I expect? If you think I'm judging you too harshly-- prove me wrong! Relate to her as the real, wonderful person she is, fascinating in all the many facets of her personality, experiences and interests, and leave the sex out of it until it becomes an honorable BLESSING, rather than something dirty and to hide.

AND...

19. IF you understand that dating my daughter is very similar to soccer...

My daughter started out her sporting career playing soccer, and has played a lot of years. It's a great sport—lots of feet, NO HANDS. If you use your hands, she gets a FREE KICK. You might want to know that I've already taught her of male vulnerabilities, and she's VERY good at soccer, with quite a powerful kick! And don't forget—NO HANDS! Use of hands brings a penalty, and a FREE KICK!

AND...

20. IF you understand plain English:

Much to the parents' chagrin, the first word that most children learn is "no." Toddlers are told what to do, and very early (TOO early!), they learn to respond with "no:" "Sit at the table..." "No." "Stop playing with your food..." "No." "Wash your hands..." "No." "Brush your teeth..." "No." "Stop kicking the dog..." "No." "Share with your sister..." "No." "Get in the car..." "No." "Strap yourself in..." "No." "Stop hitting your sister..." "No." "Put away your toys..." "No." "Go get a bath..." "No." "Say your prayers..." "No." "Go to bed..." "No."

The word "No" seems to be hard-wired into kids from before they are born! And just like a little kid, when that toddler says "no," that toddler means "no." He doesn't mean "maybe," he doesn't mean "I'm just teasing," he doesn't mean "I REALLY mean 'yes,' but I'm just SAYING 'no,'" he doesn't mean "not right now, but if you keep on asking I might change my mind," he doesn't mean "try to convince me," he doesn't mean "just ask a little more nicely, and I'll eventually agree." When that little toddler says "no," he means "no."

Throughout that child's life as he grows, at school, at home, with friends, he very often uses the word "no," meaning "no" every time, and his peers, siblings, teachers, parents—everyone in his life tells him "no" countless times, when what they really mean is "no." So you would think this little child as he grows up would eventually get the hint that "no" means "no."

Why is it then, that when boys get to a certain age, asking of certain girls certain things, they somehow come up with a totally alien concept that all of a sudden "no" no longer simply means "no," but is a part of some elaborate tribal ritual that actually means the opposite, if the boy persists enough? What in their lifetime of experience would lead them to this conclusion?

It would seem that since the concept is so alien to experienced reality, that ALL these boys must have been abducted by aliens, brainwashed, and then plopped back down, now blessed with the secret knowledge that, when the right magical rituals are performed under the right circumstances, "no" actually means "yes."

"NO" really means "NO." And lest that was too confusing or somehow unclear, let me put it another way: "no" means "no." Period. End of discussion. "No" means "no."

To be honest, I must admit that some parents do set themselves up for this when they play games with their children in their growing up years. Some parents do play the game when you are at the store or something, and the kid begs for goodies, and parents initially say "no" and then eventually relent. BAD NEWS.

If you are a parent that has lived by this pattern, set your son straight immediately. NO means NO. Period. No games. Admit and emphasize as emphatically as you can that you have been WRONG, and beg their forgiveness. Otherwise you are setting YOUR sons up for prison. HARD TIME in prison. The courts don't mess around with this. NO means NO.

BOYS—I'm sorry to say that some of your parents have let you down in this. If you have learned by your obnoxious, manipulative needling that you can turn "no" into a "yes" with your parents, UNLEARN it. Playing that game with your parents won't get you in trouble for rape*. Playing that game with girls WILL.

Playing that game with girls will get you hard time in prison—IF you're lucky. I've already told you that I'M NOT RATIONAL, I'm not a pacifist, and neither are many (most??) of the dads who might hand you this book. I've already told you that MY DAUGHTER always has been, is, and always will be my precious daughter, a TREASURE I am COMMITTED to PROTECTING above all else. YOU are expendable, she is NOT.

Let me make this point ABUNDANTLY CLEAR—I am NOT advocating violence on the part of caring dads toward stupid boys, but you NEED to be aware—this is the way MANY DADS think and ACT, and this is NOT a joke. Many men will NOT HESITATE to take matters into their own very big and very angry hands if YOU do wrong to his precious daughter!

And don't count on the cops to protect you. Most of them are dads too, and it MIGHT be conceivable that SOME of them are less than convinced that the courts will appropriately do justice in SOME situations. You probably don't want to do something stupid, and count on the cops to protect you from the angry dad, when the cop just MIGHT "look the other way" at a very inconvenient time. Again, I am EMPHATICALLY NOT saying that it is "OK" for dads to take "justice" into their own hands—IT IS NOT! But that doesn't mean they won't. Don't put yourself in danger for a few moments of pleasure—it's not worth it—not even with MY daughter!

*(If you don't understand what "rape" is at this point—that's GOOD—that means you've been protected from some of the world's harsh realities, which is appropriate for kids. But if you are old enough to be reading this book, you NEED to know the evil that rape is in ANY form. Ask your dad for that important talk—and this time, don't accept "no.")

GIRLS—SOME of you may have gotten the crazy idea into your head to play this STUPID game. "Let your 'no' be 'no,' and your 'yes' be 'yes'" says the Ancient Wisdom— if you don't want something, say "no" to it, and MEAN it. NO GAMES—you're playing with peoples' lives.

If you WANT to say "yes," but know you shouldn't—then YOU have allowed yourself to get into a "slippery place." Don't play games, just get out of the slippery place. I'm telling the boys if they are interested in you that THEY are responsible to keep out of "slippery places," but it is also YOUR responsibility! Sometimes the boys play stupid games too! And some of them know how to play on YOUR vulnerabilities, and allow themselves to get into places where THEY are vulnerable.

AND...

21. IF you know how to tell time:

In the Army world I'm familiar with, "on time is late." Don't be late.

When you say you're going to arrive at a certain time—arrive on time, and remember, "on time" is late! Don't be late. When I tell you to be back by a certain time, be back by that certain time— arrive on time, and remember, "on time" is late! Don't be late.

I learned "the ten minute rule" in the Army. Let's say are told you have to be in a class or presentation where all you need is yourself, a notepad and a cup of coffee, and you're told to be there at 9:00. But it's the Army; so, if you arrive at 9:00 when you are told to be there at 9:00—that means you're late.

Following the Ten Minute Rule, if you need to be there (with minimum preparation) at 9:00, then the REAL time you need to be there in order to not be late, is AT LEAST 8:50 if not earlier. If you need more preparation—say you need to be in full battle rattle with all your gear—you need to not only be there, but be ready to move out MORE than ten minutes early, because more preparations require more time.

If you're told to be there by 9:00, that means you need to be there NO LATER than 8:50 or you're late. Don't be late. Works for me, how about you? I hope it works for you, but if not, don't worry, there's plenty other boys who are interested, and as I've said, you're not that special anyway.

Besides, I've always thought there's something romantic about returning to drop off the girl, having a few last moments to look longingly into each others' eyes, until finally giving each other that parting smile, the last wave, and blowing a kiss (now THAT's a safe KISS!). It's romantic for the two of you, it's romantic for the mom and me, peering through the windows (for your own protection, mind you, to help you stay away from those slippery places! We're just that kind of folk that we're CARING enough to do that FOR you!).

I love the Army. I love its discipline, and I love the Ten Minute Rule. And I'm the dad. 'Nuff said.

And BTW—and this is a FREE bonus gift—the proper way to come to pick up the girl and to drop her off, is to park the car (by the side of the road if your car happens to leak various substances!), come to the door, knock, greet the mom and/or dad, and come in for a moment while you wait for her to come down. This makes a GREAT opportunity for the mom and dad to get to know you, for you to discuss your PLANS with us (see above), including your "emergency plans" (see above), before WE all head out together (see above).

HINT: that means it is NEVER appropriate to just pull up and honk, and expect her to come out—that breaks SEVERAL of the rules above! Now while we're not necessarily going to have a long chat following our time together, it is also NEVER appropriate to pull up and just drop her off and drive away (assuming that one day A LONG TIME FROM NOW you get to the point that you and she can go out in some semblance of "alone").

Walk her to the door—it's the right thing to do. If it's pouring down rain, get out and hold the umbrella for her, and walk her drippingly to the door. It's the right thing to do, and a cold shower right about then is probably a Very Good Thing anyway. NEVER drive off until she is IN the house! (Of course that's true regardless of whether she is your "date," or if you are just dropping off a friend...)

AND...

22. Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth:

This is a lovely phrase that Jesus uses in the Gospels, not a lot of times, but used in ways to clearly demonstrate that certain behaviors are a Really Bad Thing, and lead to being thrown out (or into the fire) "where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

Jesus describes several categories of behavior that end in the one doing them, being "cast out where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth," and each of these categories can be applied to those behaviors with my daughter that would be Really Bad. The first is both pretty obvious, yet not:

26Then shall ye begin to say, We have eaten and drunk in thy presence, and thou hast taught in our streets. 27But he shall say, I tell you, I know you not whence ye are; depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity. 28There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth, when ye shall see Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, and all the prophets, in the kingdom of God, and you yourselves thrust out.

Luke 13:26-28, King James Version (KJV)

What good is it to hang out at the church or with decent folk if you don't live it? Those who pretend to be one thing, yet act very different when nobody's looking are who Jesus calls "workers of iniquity," or in other translations, "evildoers." If you've made it this far, I suppose that means you've made it through the hurdle of chapter 12, so what Jesus has to say about you and your behavior should be important to you, as it is to me, my daughter, and her mom. And Jesus has some pretty cool night vision goggles, so while you might THINK you can hide things from me, you can't hide things from Him.

Seeing how you act, might Jesus think of you as a "worker of iniquity"? I'd be glad to help Jesus throw you out into the outer darkness...(I'm just doing my part in asking "What Would Jesus Do?" Remember those WWJD trinkets? And maybe I should pull out my Army issue NVGs too, now that you mention it...)

The second group of those that can expect to end up being thrown out where there is "weeping and gnashing of teeth," is described in Matthew 24: 45-51, and is very similar.

Jesus tells a parable of servants who, while they may behave appropriately when the master is about, as soon as he is away or not watching, they abuse and take advantage of others. Now I know it's hard to imagine, but it just MIGHT be possible that some boys who want to date my daughter, just might ACT all fine and dandy when they are around me, but then might think they can act very differently toward my daughter when I'm NOT around and not looking. I'm SURE that would not be YOU, and you probably don't even know anyone who would be like that, but I guess it's POSSIBLE there might be boys out there like that. They had just better not ever come to MY door!

Three separate passages focus on another set of folks—I wonder if there's any significance to the fact that not once, not twice, but in at least THREE separate teachings, Jesus addresses this same issue? Matthew 13: 36-51 includes two of these instances, similar ideas, but in totally different illustrations, both in a collection of parables. To these two teachings, let's add a third, from Matt. 8: 12 expressing a similar concept—that of people PRETENDING to be something they are not, or claiming to be decent folk decent only because of those they are around, rather than because of their own behavior. These two different ideas come from these same teachings—BOTH of them are bad enough that they'll get you thrown out to the outer darkness where Bad Things happen.

I've already talked explicitly about the importance of "dressing properly" for the Wonderfully Special Opportunity to spend time with my daughter. Jesus talks about the same idea in Matthew 22:1-14, when He says that the Kingdom of God is like a great feast, and often the unlikely are the ones who come—but ALL who come to the party should come prepared, and "dressed" appropriately.

You see, just as in my own explanation, Jesus here is recognizing that how we "dress," the externals we present ourselves in, depicts the condition of who we REALLY are. If you come to "the party," whether to God's kingdom, or even to my house, to receive the wonderful gift that is being offered, and act as if it is nothing special, no treasure, something to merely be taken for granted, or taken advantage of, to be "used," well, that's a Bad Thing.

And Jesus' last parable of what He says is deserving of being thrown out where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth, is about the servant going against the lord's wishes in Matt. 25:14-30. Now this is Jesus' second to last parable in the Gospel of Matthew after Jesus is resurrected, and right before He is taken up into Heaven. As some would say that we save the best, most important for last, this might be thought of as one of His Most Important Parables.

It's not one that at first glance, nor even second or third, one might think has anything to do with "dating my daughter," but you'll see in a moment that it does. This is a parable about God's entrusting Treasures to His servants—Treasures that He expects us to nurture so that they will flourish and grow. In the parable, the master is not explicit about this intent for the treasures he leaves with his servants, but as the parable progresses, we see that ALL the servants knew without a doubt what the master's intent was.

Yet despite that clear knowledge, the last servant does nothing to nurture and grow the Treasure, but merely "possesses" it, preventing any opportunity for it to grow or flourish. And for this, for merely "possessing" the Treasure, for then inhibiting, even strangling any possibility for it to grow and flourish, the Treasure is taken from the servant, and the servant is thrown out where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.

(Perhaps I, too, have not been that explicit in this book as to my intent with my "treasure," that is, MY DAUGHTER, that you are WANTING me to entrust to you. But you're a smart boy, aren't you? I hope you are bright enough to discern my intent...)

So if I happen to catch YOU falling into any of these patterns: if you continue to do what you know is wrong, if you act appropriately with me, but DON'T with my daughter, if you don't come "dressed properly," knowing you have a wonderful opportunity with my wonderful daughter, if you don't nurture the Treasure you are entrusted with, but merely "possess" that Treasure that is my daughter, I just might help Jesus out and help cast YOU out to where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.

We often ask the question to help guide our behavior, "What Would Jesus Do?"—and if He's talking about these kinds of behaviors as earning the opportunity for one to explore the Outer Darkness, then my "helping" in this way is merely answering the question, WWJD? You know, the Bible doesn't say that much about Jesus before He starts His ministry. Reading over these three parables now and what happens to the presumptious, I'm beginning to think He probably had three daughters, too, else He might not have been so intent on throwing them out to where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth!

AND...

23. Closing thoughts:

It might seem like I and dads like me are just mean old guys that want to spoil all your fun. That's absolutely not the case—not for me at least. Now spoiling certain KINDS of things that might SEEM to be "fun" to you at this point—YOU'RE DARN RIGHT! But our intent is not really to "spoil" that kind of "fun," but to ENHANCE IT—at the right time, with the right person (when you are MARRIED to that person!).

God made male and female one for another as a part of the great plan of Creation about which He said over and over again: "It's Good!" (Genesis 1: 27-28, 2: 20-25). Sexuality is an integral part of that, but "it is for this reason that a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his WIFE"—the context in which sexuality is a wonderful blessing from God is clearly the context of a committed marriage relationship. That idea is more fully developed throughout the Bible and the Traditions of the Church.

One of my all-time favorite Bible verses is John 10:10, in which Jesus says "I come that you might have life, life in ALL its abundance!" God is not interested in SPOILING our "fun," but is committed to giving us such abundance that anything else pales by comparison. Many other works have been put together to explain why, both in obedience to God, and in providing for the best of God's blessings possible, it is God's plan that the full expression of our sexuality be only expressed in marriage, so I'm not going into that here. I would certainly encourage you to look MORE into that though!

The most important job God has entrusted to dads is to raise their sons and daughters right—and a VERY big part of that job is centered on protecting them until and preparing them for, when they are ready to be sent off into marriage and their own families. Nurturing, sculpting, and protecting their sexuality, which is the greatest gift that they have to offer to the one who will one day be their spouse, is a central theme to what we dads are all about. I, for one, don't take that job lightly.

So I offer you these thoughts. Take them for what they're worth. If you don't like them, that's your problem, and I won't have to worry about it, because you won't be in my daughter's life.

Of course at a different level, I do worry about it, because I wouldn't want you to ruin any girl's life. And the fact is that when our broader culture accepts boys not respecting girls in this way and all that entails, and when our society turns the wonderful blessing of sexuality into a mere behavior to get your jollies quick like an amusement park ride, our whole culture and everyone in it suffers.

God made you, your sexuality, and that special relationship for which He is getting you ready, for SO MUCH MORE than a just a series a fleeting spasms of your neurons. Why settle for a few rides on a kiddie coaster, when, if you choose wisely, you can claim a lifetime in God's Magic Kingdom?

###

About the Author:

Jimmy was born a very small child-- well, not really-- he was such a big, bouncing honker that his mama was EAGER to push him out, and he's been a pain ever since-- at least to some people...

He began his auspicious professional career flipping burgers at a fast food joint, and still thinks that "If you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean!" He started becoming a real boy when he became a summer camp counselor in Florida, and one of those summers, he had a "summer fling" with another counselor that didn't work out as a summer fling-- two kids and more than 25 years or marriage later, he's still chasing her skirt and hopes to one day finally figure her out.

Jim's had his hand in some kind of ministry for more than thirty years, including too many years bouncing around the world as an Army Chaplain. Jim was ordained in the United Methodist Church in 1993. In both his civilian and military ministries, he's focused a lot of his energy in doing marriage coaching and counseling, as well as leading various marriage enrichment events.

But he's a little down these days as he's finally accepting the fact that he needs to give up his dream to be the first Chaplain in space, since his tummy gets upset every time he gets on a spinny ride. He's finishing a PhD in Education focusing on Spiritual Fitness and Formation that probably won't land him a job, but his two kids will be using up LOTS of money going to college very soon, so please send lots of friends and churches to buy these books!

If you like Mark Gungor, Bill and Pam Farrel, Duck Dynasty, Michael Webb or Leo Buscaglia (I know, I'm dating myself!), this one is sure to give you a good time as well!

Other Resources by J. Richard Lewis:

"FAMILY MATTERS"-- a FREE subscription for churches and church families with inspiration and suggestions each time to help develop FAMILY DISCIPLESHIP activities.

"4MINaWEEK" -- a subscription-based virtual life-coaching tool for individuals and a FUND-RAISER with MINISTRY CONTENT for church and character-building groups. (COMING SOON!): 4minAweek explores how to develop "Spiritual Fitness" for the "spiritual-but-not-religious" crowd, for pluralistic contexts (such as public schools, Scout Groups, etc.), and is a tool that can be used not only for FUND-RAISING, but as an OUTREACH tool for church groups! Why only sell candy or Christmas wrap, when YOUR PRODUCT can be a weekly SPIRITUAL FITNESS WORKOUT?

And MORE RESOURCES on the way! All at www.4minAweek.org (currently under construction!)

Here's a sneak peak at

Marriage SOS: Spiritual,Obcordate, Sexy First Aid for YOUR Marriage!

also available at Smashwords.com \--

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/358428

~~~~~

Marriage SOS--

SPIRITUAL, Obcordate, and SEXY

First Aid for YOUR Marriage!

J. Richard Lewis

CHAPTER 1 Spiritual but not Religious and Sexy at the same time?

A LONG time ago in a galaxy NOT far enough away, I almost ruined the best relationship of my life. Despite the fact that both of us were going through preacher school at the time, I even went so far as to use "The D Word." I know it's HARD to learn from somebody else's mistakes, but I guess in part that's what this book is about-- MAYBE you don't have to be as dumb as I was and cause as much pain for the Love of Your Life. SOMEHOW-- perhaps proof that miracles still happen-- she-who-is-my-Darling Wife, has stuck with me for more than 25 years of marriage now, DESPITE those early years.

Like most young marriages (and not-so-young marriages?) I started out thinking that marriage is a PARTNERSHIP, that is, I do "my part," and she does hers, and that an important part of that equation was "what's in it for ME?" Of course like any guy, a big part of THAT was supposed to be the free SEX! And that, too, is an important part of what this little book is about.

So do I have you hooked yet? Often it's easier to hear something from someone you feel like you can relate to-- which is why I write in as direct a way as I do-- and why I use that "S word" so much-- 'cause I just LOVE it! It took us a while and a good bit of word to get our marriage back on track, and we still have our bumps and arguments along the way. A SUCCESSFUL marriage is NOT a SMOOTH marriage-- they rarely are! But a marriage that can not only make it past the challenges, but can GROW from those challenges, and harvest the energy of conflict, rather than be torn apart by conflict.

Anyway, the catalyst that turned our relationship around came NOT from a churchy kind of guy, but from a Wiccan. We were really past the point of simple "First Aid," but at least this guy had a lot of combat experience! And as it turned out, the "combat life-saver" splint that he gave us was SPIRITUAL, but NOT RELIGIOUS.

When the inspiration struck for this project, I loved the idea of "S.O.S."-- you know, the SOS of "EMERGENCY! HELP! WE'RE STRANDED! WE'RE STUCK!" One of my favorite shows when I was a kid was "Gilligan's Island"-- a journey that seemed SO simple and SO romantic, but ended up a SHIPWRECK in no time flat, and the people involved were lost, stuck, and hopeless. They kept looking for ways to send out an SOS emergency distress signal of some sort, but never got anywhere!

I HOPE you've picked up this little book BEFORE you've gotten to that Gilligan's Island type place of being lost, hopeless, and stranded, where all you can do is TRY to send out an SOS-- but NO ONE is hearing it! Whether you're already there, or found this book on the way there, it's at that point of emergency is where a lot of couples find their marriage, and what I had in mind when putting this little project together.

As to where the Marriage SOS title came from, being a Chaplain, and with the "combat life-saver" experience of my own marriage I just mentioned, the "Spiritual" piece was obvious to me. Being a guy, the "Sexy" part was even MORE obvious! I thought of "orgasmic" pretty quick for the "O" part(I AM a guy, after all...), but like the song says, "I want a man with a slow hand, I want somebody with an easy touch..."-- so maybe that might be rushing it just a bit. Perhaps we should get to know each other better first and not skip the "foreplay"...

I've noticed a lot of guys seem to be REALLY interested in SEX-- I'm a pretty smart guy to recognize that, right? So for a lot of guys, sex is one of the most important parts of marriage, and when things are going well, that combination works pretty good-- FREE SEX! COOL! My apologies to our wonderful ladies for what probably looks like an obsession with sex-- but, as I said, I am a guy after all, and it sort of comes with the territory (though we often try to hide it so it doesn't look TOO bad on us!).

The PROBLEM is, most marriages hit bumps, so what STARTS OFF going well (in OH SO MANY ways!) often hits problems. THEN we guys want to fix things, but our wives are SO DIFFERENT than we are in so many ways-- ESPECIALLY when it comes to sex and relationships-- that when we TRY to do what would fix US, or what might work to fix the CAR, it doesn't WORK to fix the SEX or the MARRIAGE!

There's LOTS of great ideas for fixing things-- we guys LIKE to fix things-- but lots of those ideas are in BOOKS. We guys often DON'T like BOOKS! So I'm hoping that if I put this more in a guy's language (which tends to always get back to SEX) and in a guy's way of thinking (which tends to always get back to SEX), that what I've got to share in here just MIGHT get through. So again, my apologies to our gals if my writing style is not quite what you might look for, but I'm writing like this so that it can HOPEFULLY help us all-- cause it's YOU that makes the sex so good!

I've been doing marriage counseling, coaching, and marriage enrichment seminars for a lot of years, mostly for military families, many of whom describe themselves as something along the lines of "spiritual but not religious." Of course a lot of couples outside of military circles think of themselves in the same way-- and ALSO find themselves at the point of needing marital first aid or even find themselves completely stranded.

And while I've found and have used a lot of marriage resources, I've only really found a couple other resources that come close to specifically targeting those who want to build on and take both their spirituality and sexuality seriously-- but not TOO seriously, 'cause who wants to take all the fun out of sex?

While there are a lot of resources available that are either for distinctly churchy types or for non-churchy types, I've found few that address the so very important spiritual facet of marriage that is useful for non-churchy types interested in spiritual resources, as well as churchy types who can't find something helpful that addresses both spirituality AND sexuality.

(TheRomantic.com is one of those few exceptions-- though he only addresses the spiritual piece occasionally and often indirectly-- but he DOES address it!) Plenty of stuff on sex; plenty of churchy stuff-- but what about where the rubber meets the road and addresses BOTH those important facets of our marriages known as spirituality and sexuality?

Since I do a lot of work with military families who tend to be a very practical lot, resources that include what in the Army we call "ACTIONABLE INETLLIGENCE" seem to be few and far between. "Actionable Intelligence" includes tools and insights on how I can put the good stuff to use right away in very practical, HANDS ON ways (who wants SEX that you only THINK about? Guys LOVE the "hands on" approach to fixing things...). So I'm writing this to be FUN and user-friendly, with plenty of ACTIONABLE INTEL and HANDS ON fixes-- AND in a package that addresses both spirituality AND sexuality, even though the topic is very sensitive and can be at the heart of a lot of marital conflict.

And what the heck is "obcordate" anyway?

I first got interested in exploring the thoughts that have led to this book when I re-discovered "The Song of Songs" as a really rather sexy, though ancient, book about relationships. The abbreviation for Song of Songs-- SOS-- has a nice ring to it when combined with thoughts on marriage. If my esteemed reader is female, SOS might read, "SPIRITUAL, Obcordate, Sexual," though if the reader is MALE, it would almost certainly be read as "SEXY, Obcordate, Spiritual"...!! It works either way, and I don't really care which you prefer, as long as the title helps sell more books-- I'm a poor jobless Veteran after all!).

But what the heck is "obcordate"? Truth be told, I just LOVE the idea of using "SOS" in the title, and "Song Of Songs" was a natural fit, along with "Spirituality" and "Sexuality." But I needed an "O" word to go with and both "Spirituality" and "Sexuality," so I started leafing through a dictionary, and while "orgasmic" fit, "obcordate" was the only word I could make fit the concept and that wouldn't be quite so dangerous to use with this audience! I know, it's a terrible word-- but it turns out to be a GREAT word as well!

The simple definition of "obcordate" is a heart-shaped leaf joined at the branch by a stem at its apex-- a lot of ivy plants look like that. The apex of the leaf is where the two sides of the leaf come together at its top-- just look at the picture on the cover, that will help it make sense, and I know you've seen leaves like this all your life. You can let your imagination go with just this set ideas in relation to a marriage, but we'll come back to it later.

So if your marriage is at the point of sending out SOS flares (as in it looks like it's sinking fast!), OR if you want to KEEP your marriage from getting there, OR if you're exploring marriage with Some One Special (another SOS!) and want to prevent it from crashing on the rocks and ever having to send out that SOS flare, this book is DEFINITELY for you! (Not that I'm too arrogant, I just know that it's got a lot of great stuff in it that you'll really love too!)

However, this book does not come with any "magic happy dust" to miraculously-and-without-effort fix your relationship or make your relationship and sex better without any work! But it does provide some serious power-tools and guidance, along with quite a collection of ACTIONABLE INTELLIGENCE that you can put to use TONIGHT! (And if including discussions of both sex AND power tools in the same book can't sell for the guys, I don't know what will!)

The idea is to be able to start rescue operations right away if you've already hit the rocks and sent off the SOS flares. I also hope to be giving you tools to both start setting your relationship on the right path to PREVENT SOS issues, while at the same time providing relationship resilience as well. And with better sex and deeper spirituality as the prize, what a deal!

One of the things I love about being an Army Chaplain is that I don't need to pretend that sex doesn't exist, or that I have no sexuality. It often seems in the civilian world-- at least in the churches I've been involved with, that sexuality and spirituality just can't coexist in the same person or the same marriage, or at least that an INTEREST in sex seems to suggest a LACK in the depth of your spirituality, that if you were more spiritual, you'd get over it (the interest is sexuality, that is...)

I'm a Soldier whose more than 25 year marriage has had to survive three deployments and numerous other challenges. I'm a Chaplain in the Army National Guard to be more precise, and both deployed and at home, both as an Army Chaplain and as a civilian pastor, I've helped a lot of couples struggle through a lot of challenges (mine included!). I've heard and responded to a lot of marriage "SOS" signals, hence the name of this book, and have found a number of powerful resources that have helped many times that can also be labeled SOS (in the GOOD sense) as you see in the title.

I've dealt with a lot of marriages that could be described in Army lingo as "s.o.s."-- "Shit on a Shingle." A relationship that's just barely tolerable, but that will get you by, and certainly not something to get excited about. And I've dealt with a lot of marriages that have not made it, and the broken people left after broken marriages.

My goal, though has always been to help move marriages through God's transforming grace into a totally NEW kind of "SOS!"-- Spiritual/Sensitive, Outstanding/Outrageous/Obcordate(and can I get away with "orgasmic" here at least?), Sexy/Sensual/Super/Splendiferous... (for my many male readers, you are welcome to rearrange the order of the two "S" segments if that would be helpful...)

Before we get any further, let me share a story that will help set some ground rules both for how I will be sharing, and that you might want to consider if you're using this as a resource with other couples, whether informally, in a church group or whatever.

A long time ago on a roof far, far away, on one of the many jobs I've worked to help make ends meet, I was doing general home repair working for a preacher who wasn't. Brent, the boss, was a Presbyterian who had gone to seminary in order to become a pastor, but no church was wise enough to hire him. He WOULD have made a great pastor (maybe he did one day...), but then he wouldn't have been there to do the powerful informal ministry and mentoring he did for me and my co-workers. Thank you, Brent!

Well, we were working on a roof, Brent, myself, and another guy whom Brent had hired from his church. You see, a part of Brent's ministry was not only bringing the church and pastoral care to the home owners he worked for--many of whom would never set foot in a church--he was also using his business for a ministry in other ways too, hiring folks from the church who were down on their luck, and for whom having a job was what they needed most. In the process, he was also in mentoring relationships with those who needed it most-- like me! (I want to do something like that when I grow up!)

On this particular day, like any other construction crew, our conversation bounced around from one manly topic to the next as we worked. The other guy-- I'll call him Fred-- started talking about his relationship with his live-in girlfriend. And in a manly way, he started sharing about their "activities" in various rooms of the house, and finally in the car while it was in the garage.

I was under the impression that Brent had somehow-- and probably on more than one occasion and with more tact and wisdom than I would have had-- pointed out to Fred (whom he had hired from the church, remember!) that he should probably be getting married to this girl before getting to know her in such many and varied biblical ways.

But this time, the focus of Brent's mentoring was different. "I think the reason they call those relationships 'intimate,'" Brent said in his most wise and coachly voice, "is because what happens in them is private and INTIMATE-- not the kind of thing you go into detail about with the guys, or anybody else..."

"Oh, you're probably right," Fred replied, with the look of being stunned with the realization that he had broken an important rule about relationships without even realizing it, and in so doing, had broken a special trust with his lady love, and had thus betrayed her.

I love my wife dearly, and treasure the intimacy of our relationship and the trust on which it is built. I also treasure the fact that I'm a Chaplain in an Army culture in which I don't have to hide the fact that I'm also a normal man with a normal sexuality that is a gift from God, a gift that God says is "very good" (and I happen to heartily agree with God's assessment and wisdom in this!).

And while it might not be so obvious in this day and age, my sexual relationship is expressed with my Darling Wife and none other, in a relationship of intimacy and trust, and to go into too much detail would be breaking that trust. Doing so MIGHT make me a successful writer, but definitely would NOT make me a more successful husband nor a more faithful follower of Jesus who says I've got to love my neighbor, even (or especially!) when that neighbor happens to be my wife!

So while we're talking about the very sensitive and touchy subject of sexuality, and while I would really encourage you to use this resource with other couples, let me suggest that we follow Brent's ground rules for intimate relationships. They are INTIMATE, and built on a trust that is easily broken, but not so easily repaired.

I guess you should know then that while I'm writing and drawing on my range of experiences as a pastor, a Chaplain, a Soldier, a husband and a man – created by God with sexuality as an important part of who I am – I'm also writing and sharing as a HUSBAND who wants to STAY that way! While I'll be open and going into some detail, I'll generally be doing so in a general way, generally speaking, and I'll tell you now up front-- I love my wife more than I love you! I value the trust in our relationship more than I value you as a reader!..

Why use the Bible if I'm "Spiritual but NOT Religious"?

Bottom Line Up Front (a great Army concept):

We're referring to the Bible because YOU WANT BETTER SEX. Simple as that.

I'll be using some Bible stuff as the primary tools in our tool box, but more on the "spiritual" than the "religious" side. "But why a BIBLE if I'm not really religious?" you might ask. Primarily because it's got a GREAT little EROTIC book HIDDEN right in the middle called The Song of Solomon (or Song of Songs-- same thing, different name). And when you can find such a sexy little book right in the middle of the book all those churchy people use who SEEM to pretend sex doesn't exist, it's a REALLY funny thing!

It makes you wonder several things: a) Do they REALLY read the stuff in that book, and if they do, b) What are those folks REALLY focused on so intently when you see them quietly reading a Bible on a bus, train, plane, etc.? c) What are they REALLY doing when they're talking about doing a BIBLE STUDY?? and d)What OTHER really cool stuff are they hiding in that book?

If you consider yourself somehow "spiritual but NOT religious," how do you gain spiritual insight? Even if you're NOT much of a churchy type person, since you probably grew up in the U.S., whatever "spiritual" sense you have is probably connected, however loosely, to the Bible. We usually recognize that BETTER SEX is related to a BETTER MARRIAGE, and we sometimes get the sense that to grow in our MARRIAGE and be "more ROMANTIC" as well is also often thought of as somehow "spiritual."

When we realize the importance that growing "spiritually" (whatever THAT's supposed to mean...) CAN be connected to growing in and improving our marriages (which guys USUALLY interpret as meaning MORE and BETTER SEX), the question then simply becomes "How do I sign up? I want THAT kind of TOOL BOX!"

You gals are probably all in FULL AGREEMENT on this point, right? And trust me, guys, that you'll get EXTRA CREDIT and more "POINTS" if you agree here too, AND you can improve our SEX LIFE all AT THE SAME TIME! Isn't going beyond your comfort zone worth AT LEAST that much?

...and there's MORE!

~~~~~

So if this sounds like something you want to explore , check out the rest:

Marriage SOS: Spiritual,Obcordate, Sexy First Aid for YOUR Marriage!

also available at Smashwords.com \--

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/358428

~~~~~

Connect with me online at FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/jim.lewis.7370013

Our crew is EAGER for feedback and resource development suggestions:

jlewis21.kent@gmail.com

THANK YOU!!

and

Keep being a blessing!

