>>> SKY SPORTS PRESENTS PREMIER
LEAGUE FUTBOL.
MANCHESTER UNITED AT ARSENAL.
>> WELCOME TO OUR PREMATCH
COVERAGE.
PETER TOPPOM ANNOUNCING TODAY
ALONGSIDE JEREMY FEATHERS HERE
AT EMIRATES STADIUM.
AND A SPECIAL GUEST JOINS US IN
THE BOOTH.
HE'D NORMALLY BE ON THE PITCH
FOR ARSENAL.
BUT A NASTY LIGAMENT TEAR LAST
WEEK PUT HIM ON THE INJURED
LIST.
SO, HE'S TRYING HIS HAND AT
ANNOUNCING.
>> HAND.
YELLOW CARD.
>> OH, YOU SNITCH.
MAKING HIS BROADCAST DEBUT,
ARSENAL DEFENDER, DAVID "THE
BRUISER" KUZMAN.
>> YEAH.
>> NOW, AS YOU ARE A MAN OF FEW
WORDS.
FANS HAVE RATHER CHEEKILY
NICKNAMED YOU DUMB DAVID.
>> YEAH.
>> I THINK YOU MIGHT BE A SECRET
INTELLECTUAL.
>> NAH.
>> ALRIGHT.
TELL US DAVID, HOW'S THE LEG?
>> WHICH ONE?
>> WELL, THE LEG YOU INJURED,
DAVID, HOW IS IT?
>> IT'S INJURED, ISN'T IT?
>> YES.
ANY IDEA WHEN WE CAN EXPECT YOU
BACK ON THE FIELD AGAIN?
>> YEAH.
WHEN MY LEG'S BETTER.
>> RIGHT.
WELL, WE WISH YOU A SPEEDY
RECOVERY, IN THE MEANTIME YOU'RE
HERE WITH US.
FEELS A BIT DIFFERENT IN A SUIT
AND TIE, RATHER THAN YOUR KIT.
HOW DOES IT FEEL?
>> IT FEELS A BIT GAY.
>> ALL RIGHT, DON'T SAY THAT,
DAVID.
>> OKAY, WELL, ARSENAL'S DEFENSE
HAD BEEN PLAYING CATCH UP AND WE
SAW A GOOD EXAMPLE OF THAT LAST
GAME AGAINST TOTTENHAM.
HARRY CANE ON THE ATTACK, AND
LOOK AT ARSENAL'S DEFENDERS.
ONE BEHIND THE PLAY, ONE TRYING
TO GET IN FRONT OF IT.
ANYTHING TO ADD, DAVID?
>> YEAH.
>> COME ONE.
DAVID, COME ON.
YOU'RE A GROWN MAN, DAVID.
WELL, LOTS OF SUPPORTERS IN THE
STADIUM TODAY INCLUDING ARSENAL
STAR ROY MILLEROONS WIFE, ANNA.
>> YES, THERE SHE IS NOW, READY
TO CHEER ON HER HUSBAND.
>> OH, GET OFF OF HER MAN.
>> NAH.
THAT'S YOUR TEAMMATE'S WIFE.
>> HE SMASHES ALL THE GIRLS ON
THE ROAD.
HE CAN'T BE MAD IF I --
>> DON'T SAY THAT, DAVID.
OKAY.
ANNA, OF COURSE, JOINED TODAY IN
THE STANDS BY HER MUM ROSE.
>> YEAH, I'D SMASH THAT TOO.
>> ALL RIGHT.
WISH YOU HAD NOT SAID THAT.
BECAUSE NEXT TO ROSE IS YOUR
WIFE DAVID ALICEA.
SHE'S A GOOD BIRD, FAITHFUL.
>> RIGHT, YES.
WELL, NOW OUR PLAYER TO WATCH
THIS WEEK IS WILL HUTCHENS
COMING OFF THREE STRAIGHT
MATCHES OF STELLAR PLAY.
DAVID WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON
YOUR TEAMMATE.
>> WELL, HE'S GOT A GOOD KNOB
FOR A WHITE GUY.
>> DON'T SAY THAT.
>> I SAW IT IN THE SHOWER.
>> DAVID, LET'S SAY YOU'RE THE
COACH OF THE ARSON EL, WHAT DO
YOU SAY TO THE BOYS BEFORE THE
MATCH?
>> WELL, YEAH, I'M NOT THE
COACH, THOUGH, AM I?
>> RIGHT, BUT PRETEND YOU ARE,
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THE TEAM?
>> SORRY, LADS, THE COACH IS
DEAD, AND I'M THE COACH NOW.
>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT JUSTIFYING
WHY YOU DAVID ARE THE COACH.
YOU JUST ARE.
I'M AN ARSENAL PLAYER.
GIVE ME A PREMATCH PEP TALK.
>> YOU COULDN'T PLAY, YOU'RE TOO
SMALL, LOOK AT YOU.
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S SAY I AM ON
THE TEAM.
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO ME BEFORE
THE MATCH?
>> I'D SAY SORRY MATE, I HAVE TO
TRADE YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO
SMALL.
>> FORGET ME, LET'S SAY IT'S
JARED.
>> YEAH, I'M ON THE TEAM NOW,
WHAT DO YOU TELL ME BEFORE
KICKOFF.
>> I'D SAY, SORRY I HAD TO TRADE
YOUR MATE BECAUSE HE'S TOO
SMALL.
>> YOU'RE NO LONGER THE COACH,
YOU'RE TASTE, WHAT STRATEGY DO
YOU GIVE THE TEAM?
>> WELL, NOW, THAT'S THE COACH'S
JOB, ISN'T IT?
>> RIGHT.
WELL, DAVID, WE'RE THRILLED
YOU'LL BE JOINING US HERE FOR
THE NEXT 10 GAMES.
>> YES, YES, AND COMING UP THE
PIZZA EXPRESS LOOK AROUND THE
LEAGUE.
>> I THINK PIZZA EXPRESS TASTES
LIKE AN OLD MAN'S DIAPER.
>> THAT'S THE WORST ON YET.
>> OH, DAVID, NO.
STAY WITH US.
