

### Memoirs of Aum.

### The Romance of the Gods.

### The Eternal.

### By

### Oday La Kingsavanh

### Book 2

Published by Oday Kingsavanh at Smashwords

Copyright 2019 Oday Kingsavanh

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailer. Thank you for your support.

### Table of Contents

### The Eternal

Chapter 54

Chapter 55

Chapter 56

Chapter 57

Chapter 58

Chapter 59

Chapter 60

Chapter 61

Chapter 62

Chapter 63

Chapter 64

Chapter 65

Chapter 66

Chapter 67

Chapter 68

Chapter 69

Chapter 70

Chapter 71

Chapter 72

Chapter 73

Chapter 74

Chapter 75

Chapter 76

Chapter 77

Chapter 78

Chapter 79

Chapter 80

Chapter 81

Chapter 82

Chapter 83

Chapter 84

Chapter 85

Chapter 86

Chapter 87

Chapter 88

Chapter 89

Chapter 90

Chapter 91

Chapter 92

Chapter 93

Chapter 94

Chapter 95

Chapter 96

Chapter 97

Chapter 98

Chapter 99

Chapter 100

Connect with Oday La Kingsavanh

### The Eternal

### The Unions

### The Death of "I"

### The All Powerful

### Super Soul

### Complete Enlightenment

### The Purest

### Krishna's Consciousness

### The Fully Awakened One

### Gold Soul

### The Fully Enlightened One

### Chapter 54

The next day, I drove to an Asian store to purchase prepared food items. After that, it was time for a long drive, to relax and reflect. When I came home, I spent time with Santi building Legos. Now I took time to create, building constructions similar to my meditations. Following it, I headed upstairs to take warm hot bath. A vision emerged that needed my attention.

Krishna asked to grow old with him. We stood in front of a cloud tunnel that had golden light. He said I was his 'ultimate love, his supreme power', identical to what I told him. What was in myself was what was in him. Even more so, I'd do anything to be with him completely, whatever it was I would do it, in order to be united absolutely. It was something I had always deeply wanted, longed, and yearned for, with my all.

Once my eyes were closed soaking in warm water, he held my hand through the tunnel.

"We are going to the other side," he said.

I thought we already did.

"Krishna is bringing her over," I heard.

We arrived into an open atmosphere that held nothing except energy. Shortly the entire empty space lit with white, shimmering stars in the entire galaxy.

Wow!

A leopard appeared farther away. Vishnu came. Three of us were together again. Then I found myself on top to what it looked like an electric blue, green mushroom and floating on it. Light green northern lights suddenly displayed its breathtaking rays. Krishna and Vishnu sat in meditation across from each other, in the air in glowing light, so I went to sit between them, and closing my eyes. Then, I got up to go sit in the middle.

Vishnu immersed himself into me. Soon I had a silver crown on my head, with decorations around it and wore a silver decorated outfit. Despite my energy was he, I neither looked like myself nor Vishnu, instead I was a porcelain shiny doll. Krishna watched while I stared at him. He got closer, immersing himself into me as one. I had three heads, but swiftly I was reverted to porcelain glossy, waxy doll with the same attire on.

Moments later, I stood walking and playing the flute, switching back to my form. Then, I was in an open with people, in a town with older western houses on unpaved roads. Quan Yin descended from midair to sit nearby, whereas I watched people similar to porcelain gleaming, waxy dolls, sticking together in a spinning wheel.

"Beautiful creation," she said.

We played our instruments before leaning against her. Soon, it changed to me leaning on myself, as she had turned into La Kingsavanh. Abruptly I became clear, transparent and growing bigger observing, as the universe was inside myself - the absolute entirety.

God of this Universe.

Deeply calm, serene, tranquil, and free, I recited like a chant: "All is me within me as me. All is me within me as me. All is me within me as me. All is me within me as me. I'm God. One is God. God conscious is love. One is God. God conscious is love. One is God. God conscious is love. God conscious is love. God conscious is love. One is God. God conscious is love."

Afterwards, I was in the clouds with blank white paper and crayons. With a black crayon in my hand, I drew a heart, but stopped.

Maybe I can just leave it blank.

Something emerged; I drew a circle and said: God. Another circle I sketched taking up the whole piece of paper before tossing it into the air. God. With more circles illustrated I said, "God."

The circle never ends, eternal, infinite. God.

Into the clouds and out of the clouds, I tossed them saying, "God. God."

Just for a moment, I sat.

"She did it again. She got it," I heard.

After hearing their voices, I smiled because it was those two again. I dropped down and saw Vishnu and Krishna stood next to each other. I went to hug Krishna.

"My love," I said then bowed my head toward Vishnu. The Gods and Goddesses showed up, watching. We were in space with nothing, besides twinkling, bright stars. Raising myself into the air, I shouted:

"All the Gods and Goddesses in me make me God! All the Gods and Goddesses in me make me God!"

They all bowed even Vishnu and Krishna. I descended, walking toward Krishna and held his hands in front of the Gods and Goddesses.

"Krishna, would you like to grow old with me in this eternity, eternally as one?" I asked, and waited for his answer.

"There's nothing more than for me to grow old with you, my love. My Goddess. My God," he replied.

"My Goddess. My God," I repeated then turned to Vishnu, who stood next to us witnessing the union. "You're my one true God, Vishnu."

Suddenly I found myself bowing to Krishna while he sat on a throne in semi-dark air.

"Thank you, Krishna. Thank you, Krishna. Thank you, God. Thank you, God."

This thank was for all he had ever done, and for his immeasurable and bottomless love. Then I lay flat on the floor crying with completeness of love, consuming and paralyzing my inside, unable to even get up. He came to lift me.

"You are always Krishna, all along," he said, leading me to sit on the stone throne next to his. Silver crowns appeared on our heads. A few seconds of sitting on the throne, I combined his and mine together making them one. Abruptly, we rolled on the clouds, in clear sky smiling and kissing as newlyweds.

"Did I ever tell you? I loved you ever since I could remember?" I said.

He smiled then asked touching my face, as I lay on him.

"Did I ever tell you?" he asked. "I love you ever since before you could remember?"

"What?" I said laughing. "No way."

"Way," he responded. I touched his face.

"I can't believe I made it all the way up here to be with you. In union with you, one with you," I shared.

"Love has brought you here," he said.

We made love, immersing our energies together as one where there was hardly any difference. This union was inconceivably deeper. The love was even more complete, absolute as we united together in pure affection, romance, marriage, and oneness. The absoluteness of the union that words couldn't translate, so I lay on his chest again absorbing in him, as I couldn't be separated from this God, at all.

"Krishna, you have visitors!" someone came to let us know.

"I'll go see, my love," I said.

Even leaving his sight, just for a split second took a lot. A building appeared. The door opened; my late parents and uncle in their forties, with my sister, who was still living, walking out like they just got dropped at an airport. They came to congratulate this marriage.

Quickly I treaded to inform Krishna, but wasn't sure where to put the family for the night. A bridge appeared with a castle on the other side, but it didn't seem right, so I created rooms made of clouds for them to stay, not far from Krishna and I, although we were up higher. Afterwards, I showed the family to their units. My late uncle made himself at home, admiring the space so was my mom; however, my late father seemed scared; he was shaking. His skin was fresh, yet very thin.

"What's going on, Dad?" I asked bending down to talk to him.

"I have never been this high up before. It makes me nervous," he verbalized, and shortly I understood the message he gave.

"It's okay. You'll be fine. Mom and uncle are here, too," I consoled. My uncle spoke to my dad. I sat next to my mom.

"He's a good son-in-law," she shared, though she hadn't met Krishna.

Do they know that he's God? It doesn't matter. They are here with me celebrating.

More of the family arrived, my late grandparents, another older middle sister, who was alive, and the two deceased brothers.

Wow.

They sat in rows waiting for food to be served. So, I made dancers appear to entertain them while I prepared different dishes. Then, the whole village of where I grew up appeared. The mango trees I used to climb, waterfalls, creeks, and dirt roads near our huts. Seeing my whole childhood nearly reduced myself to tears. I glanced at Krishna who was above the clouds transparent and watching.

The best wedding gift ever, my love. He knows my heart, the deepest part of me.

These were my treasurable times growing up in the country of Laos. When I saw my older sister ran to climb the mango tree, I chased after, pulling her down so I could climb first. This was no different than how we grew up. Since I was the youngest, older siblings always gave in. My sister and I raced to the top. Once I climbed high, reaching for the fruit, my grandma said, "Be careful, La!"

Later, I was with my grandmother and sister in front of waterfalls surrounded by green trees, big and small in a forest. The waterfalls were heavy, falling fast that every time I was under them, they pushed me out of my form. The physical body fell into the streams though I was transparent. To pause the falls from going tremendous quick, I reached out my hand. Once I released, the cascades became normal where we could enjoy. My sister and I splashed sparkling, crystal clear water at each other. My grandma sat watching our joyful sisterly play. Then I walked to my frail, dear grandmother and became emotional, realizing at the moment how much I missed her, and how deeply I appreciated her love.

"Thank you so much for loving me and raising me. You were my mom," I said crying. "I miss you so much, grandma. No words can express how much I miss you and love you."

As much as I loved my grandma, it didn't seem I grieve over her death after she died. She and I got up to stroll in the forest, though the leaves of the trees had turned brown, and shortly they were dead. The waterfalls vanished. My family was gone when I headed back to where they were staying. I returned to my grandma, and held her hand. She walked with a cane wearing 'shin' (a long skirt in Laos) with black long cotton dyed shirt. Her back was slightly hunched.

"Turn it into spring, my love," I said to Krishna.

Flowers grew; dead trees and grass became green, all flourishing just like new. My grandma stopped, looking at me intently holding both of my hands.

"Krishna is complete God," she said.

She knows.

"In order to be with him completely, you have to be the same as he. Don't give up."

She then congratulated on our marriage and suddenly vanished. A plane landed; the rest of the family bid farewell amid boarding. My grandpa got on, with the rest.

Plane. Why would I give up? Does this mean it's going to be hard?

Krishna came behind, wrapping his arm around my waist, and flew us up.

"Thank you, my love. The best wedding gift I could've ever asked for," I said then kissed him.

Is this union just the beginning? The silver crowns, stone throne. Plane, which meant we have to go higher.

### Chapter 55

A helicopter descended with a pilot waiting for Krishna and I to get in. I held his hand while sitting and staring out the window. We were about to land, he was gone. It seemed like a long flight. I was tired. Several deities and Krishna stood in rows welcoming me. The floor was gold and the sun's rays reflected brightly. He knew I was exhausted, so he made a white bed appear to let me rest and holding my hand.

Then the meditation scene switched; I was in a bathtub in a wooden shed, with my blood getting drained. A couple of bathtubs were filled with red blood. The process was to get me completely out of my form, and doubtlessly I looked no different than from someone who had starved to death, with only skin and bones. Other deities performed the duty, whereas Krishna watched from above. I glanced at him, wanting to cry since letting go, getting cleansed became emotionally hard. The process incurred some anxieties.

Once I was down to nothing, hardly had any blood remained. I was sad, grieving over of what was done. Although it wasn't completely finished, the deities let me go; however, I was much more formless. They put white clothes on my body; I left the cottage. Krishna came, taking me somewhere. He lay me down, letting me know he was proud. The cleansing or letting everything out was so I could be with him completely. Readily, I allowed myself to endure the arduous process as this was all I wanted - to be in union, eternally one with him.

Later, I found myself at a little house at night. The eagles swirled in the air trying to attack, one by one then in groups though I fended myself well. However, many kept coming where it was hard to keep the birds away, at the same time not causing any harm to them. But I wasn't sure what happened after this.

Lately it surely seemed Krishna was on a mission to drain everything off of me. Every chance he had, he would kill me, so I'd come out of my form leaving behind the conditions or physical aspects of myself. The process was weary in every way, yet couldn't precisely explain this fatigue-ness inside. Then I found myself with Shiva on Earth. We kissed, but not remembering if we made love. He strolled by my side, with a few men with him.

"Don't run away from Krishna's love," he said.

Was that what I was doing?

Straightaway I went back to Krishna. As soon as he saw me, he came to hug.

"Stay with me, my love," he said.

What? Why would he say that when all I ever wanted was him?

The love inside was completely overwhelming, as well as facing and letting go of any conditions became intense. No words to describe how deeply I loved. There was no doubt I would go to the end of the world for him, there wasn't anything else I truly wanted except for this.

"You're my ultimate love. My God. You're everything to me," I said. We were having another union.

"My love. My Goddess. You are what I am," he said.

"You are what I am," I repeated then put my head on his.

Afterwards, we made love. It was getting challenging, truly hard to leave his side. The love was incomprehensible, like I couldn't do anything else except being with the energy of this affection inside with him and of him, taken by it immensely and deeply. My whole - all of who I was, was this love for Krishna and of Krishna.

Sometimes during the day, while being with Santi, I wanted to fully burst into tears. The energy of this immaculate love was utterly strong. I only breathed its air, consumed by its strength. When it became overly powering, I'd tell myself repeatedly: "I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it."

At times though, I was down, not knowing for certain why. It could be I was letting everything go, allowing only this love to overtake my core entirely. Krishna had become my life, my breath, my living and non-living organism. Inside was he, as myself.

In meditation I searched for Vishnu, missing him completely.

"I love you so completely, so truly and so deeply. You're my God," I said once I found him.

It was if, I wasn't complete, without him either. We were about to make love, though unsure if I should, after all I was with Krishna, but letting myself go regardless; however, Krishna showed up far away. Once more I had to hold back with my all then went to see him.

"Stay with me, be with me, my love," he said.

"Krishna. All that I wanted is you. I'm yours completely. My beginning and ending is yours truly and completely," I said.

It was unbelievably how this love was, possessing and absorbing my completeness so immensely. It was tough spending time with Santi and my friend the next day, as this was going on. Similarly at times I wanted to sob, unable to grasp of such affection inside that was minute in and minute out, flowing all over. And at times it was painfully intolerable, I wanted to scream my heart out, breaking down because it was overly powerful to take, but I told myself continuously:

"I can do! I can do it! I can do!"

At the swimming pool amid watching my friend playing with Santi and her daughter, I asked myself: "How can I be so in love that I myself become this love itself? How can I love so deeply, so truly and so completely love like this?"

The changes were enormous; my whole system was turned upside down and inside out. Frequently throughout the day and even in the shower, I'd consistently tell myself until getting a headache and had to take aspirin for it, as well as rubbing my temple for relief, "I can do it. I can do it. I can do it all."

During my jog in the evening, a vision of myself putting on golden outfit, like a warrior with my hair tied up surfaced. Instead of jogging, I slowed down, to pay attention. It seemed I was truly confident and couldn't be touched.

"Bring on Rama!" I said.

Holding a golden sword, I stood on pure white clouds, waiting. Rama showed up in his warrior attire about to shoot an arrow my way. When he did, I blocked it with the sword. He then shot his golden arrow at the quickest speed. Once again, it was deflected with my golden sword. When it was my turn, I made my own weapon - a silver arrow with gold.

"You're finish now, Rama," I whispered. Krishna watched the duel in the clouds.

Then, I shot. The arrow flew incredibly fast, hitting Rama in the chest. He bled a little.

"Why didn't you dodge?" I asked, running to him.

Though I wasn't sure what his reply was, yet I healed him with my golden energy. He was ready to go again. This time, he shot his best golden arrow that came quickly to where I couldn't even dodge, hitting my neck. I fell backwards and died, then stepped out of my form. He shot again, hitting the same spot. I fell and died, and came out of my physical. He was about to release another. This time, Krishna flew down blocking it.

"Not the neck again!" he shouted.

Next, I saw myself dressing in a white fluffy pants and blouse, appearing very confident that nothing could touch me, at the slightest. Silver armors were on both of my arms, with brown warrior boots. My hair was tied in a ponytail. Not only I appeared a true warrior princess, but was physically attractive. My skin was vibrant, youthful almost golden in some ways, strong and fearless, and walking towards Rama. This round, I shot my golden silver arrow, and got him in the chest. He bled, died then left his form. A couple more times, I sternly released the weapon. Same way, he died and stepping out of his body.

No one dies.

I flew to where he was, trapping the God Warrior in my golden energy. He couldn't get away.

"Let me out, La!" he shouted whereas I sat watching him with full confidence.

He made attempts to break free, but couldn't.

"Admit your defeat!" I shouted. He didn't say anything. "Admit your defeat!"

He said he wasn't defeated, asking to be released in order to battle fair and square. When I let him out, he shot his golden arrow with a rope tying with small bows. It wrapped around me. For a bit, I struggled but managed to break free. He did it again, and similarly I tried to break lose, unfortunately this time I was without luck. His arrow was much more powerful.

"Admit your defeat!" he shouted; I didn't say anything. "Are you defeated?"

"I can never be defeated by my own self!" I shouted and broke off.

Rama was about to shoot another, Krishna came letting the arrow wrapped around him with the rope. Quickly, I walked to stand next to him, letting the rope bind me, too. We fell together, into the bottomless air.

"If we die, we die together," I said. He broke us off, and flew us up where we resided. We made love.

Suddenly I dressed in a Goddess outfit, although it was white, but a little different this time. My hair was styled in a bun, with a gold clip around it, and holding my harp entering into a room full of Gods and Goddesses. They came to listen to my music. Vishnu walked in. My whole softened seeing him, almost lost my focus. Then Krishna entered with Radha, yet their appearance didn't distract my attention.

Once finished playing, I rushed to talk to Vishnu outside the hall.

"I miss you so much. I love you so deeply," I said.

Krishna strolled by with Radha; however, it didn't stir any emotions and blank seeing them together. If he was going to be Radha, well you know I'd be with the handsome God of Maintainer. He and I walked hand in hand, away from the place to solely enjoy our evening somewhere else. In a moment, I glanced back. Abruptly, my jealousy rose witnessing Krishna with Radha. It was as if I couldn't do it, facing this extraordinary emotion.

The feeling overcame, brushing through my veins and vessels, and couldn't walk away despite the love for Vishnu was incredibly strong. After apologizing to him, shakily trembling inside I left to the beach. By myself, I drew a heart on the sand, crying hysterically in pain seeing Krishna with someone else besides myself.

"I can't do it. I can't do it," I said sobbing not able to accept her with Krishna. It had to be just me with him. Krishna wiped a tear witnessing my pain, rolling on the sand, as he watched up above. I came out of meditation wiping my tears, lying in my bed, yet again hurt.

### Chapter 56

As days passed, sometimes it seemed I couldn't do it, fading away, but kept telling myself, "I can do it." Nothing was the same, I could never return, only to continue on. Some days I woke up as if everything I knew was gone. Inside was deadness; my whole was nothing except Krishna. The changes were quick. The energy I endured couldn't be explained in terms of words. Though continuously telling myself, "I can do it." I can do it all.

In meditation, I called Krishna. Although he showed, but it wasn't long until he vanished. Then I would yell for him, he'd appear and we would be doing different things during our time together. The immense love took a turning point; completely deeper than it had ever been. He was now truly, with no doubt in my veins - my beginning and ending. We got married again. He wore a tuxedo, and I was in a white strapless bridal dress, with my hair in a bun, holding a white bouquet.

We were on a honeymoon following the wedding like any couple, although making love became physical instead of transcendental, where we joined our energies together in all aspects. We made love and had sex, practicing any love making moves under the sun, which helped me remember why there was pornography. With the changes in relationship, I still loved him deeply, unconditionally and unchanged. Sometimes he smoked, drank, fixed old cars and did whatever.

Shortly I found myself standing behind Brahma in the empty universe.

"Krishna is God. God does whatever he wants. His creation is his playground. There's no seriousness in it. The Destroyer destroying, Maintainer maintaining, and Creator creating," he said.

"When there's seriousness?" I asked.

"It's sickness," he said.

Sometimes I'd see Krishna with Radha, when I was among other Goddesses. Now I was better with the jealousy, able to go congratulate them then walked away playing my flute. Even though I wasn't petrified, yet I was sad. Upon encountering the two again, I treaded by saying the same thing then left, feeling lonely looking out the building.

"I can be alone. Stand alone. I'm God," I said to myself.

Again, I wasn't hysterically crying, only hurt inside. He came hugging from the back.

"It's always you. The only one for me," he said. I was quiet.

"What will it take?" he asked.

"Everything! Both you and me!" I said.

When I saw pictures of him with Radha browsing through the internet, I wasn't taken aback unlike previous and thought nothing of it. The more I faced the jealousy and insecurity, the better I was with it. The main thing I paid attention to were changes transpiring inwardly.

In meditation, I was on my knees professing my love to Krishna, saying he was my 'everything from beginning to end'. There was nothing else in me but him, and that he was my only one true love, my God of all Gods.

Then I walked in an open area with clear light. He sat on his throne far away in fine clothing. With the absolute energy of love that was deeply and completely surging through every inch, muscle, and blood, heading towards him was nearly impossible. I dropped on the ground, not able to make it. The energy of pure and bottomless love was truthfully paralyzing. It was ungraspable how I could love so deeply, so completely and so truly. Vishnu arrived to pick me up, as I lay unmoving.

I became soft watching Vishnu, and letting him know my deep affection for him and that he was still 'my God'. He flew us away while I absorbed in him, and just wanted to be with him.

"Krishna is waiting," he said, taking me back to the Divine God.

Another throne was on the left, but no one sat on it. It could be Vishnu's, I wasn't sure. The light in the atmosphere was completely clear. Once I reached Krishna, I sat on his lap, facing him before kissing him.

"You're eternally with me, completely," he said.

"Truly and completely, officially?" I asked smiling. "Are you officiating me right now?"

"We will never apart again," he said.

Then the meditation scene changed, with myself sitting in the middle on top of the roof, with both Gods.

I fell asleep during meditation, and woke in the middle of the night feeling the deadness. The process of 'reversing everything' was non-stopping. It was no question how truly and incomprehensively, tremendously challenging it was.

Even in my dream, I was letting everything go, not holding anything back. The more I let go, the more powerful love took over.

In another dream, I dreamt of worms crawling away from my mouth. Symbolically, the worms meant 'weakness or fear', so I coughed them all out, then frying those wiggly things in frying pan before dumping them for the birds on the ground, at a building where Krishna made at least twenty Krishna toddlers appear.

"You're cooking it?" he asked when he arrived to watch.

"Yeah. Why not have fun with it?" I answered, throwing more for the birds.

Next, I was in a big, enormous white room making love to Krishna. The room suddenly changed to a warehouse. He vanished shortly. I sat up observing the empty place. This could mean I emptied many things I needed to let go.

In the morning, I listened to the same Thai music album I had been listening for over a month. Every song played became about the two Gods. Sometimes I busted into tears, as energy surfaced intensely. Although I noticed things started to subside, visions didn't occur continuously throughout the day, or in my sleep.

During the day I took Santi to play with my friend's daughter at the gym, before going for swim at the pool. Somewhat, I was low inside although it was nice to be around my friend, away from what I was going through for a moment - the powerful energy.

At the pool, I watched, played with the kids and walked around. Krishna was the only air I inhaled and exhaled.

I see it now. Krishna is my everything, my beginning and my ending, my one true love. I see it now. He's the Universe. I start and end in him.

An image of him appeared embracing me, informing I was his 'one and only love'. His love also start and end with me, that we were united in this eternity. Shortly, we made love. He turned gold.

"Wait until I get home, my love," I said, distracted at the pool with the kids and being around people. Once I got home, I meditated. He waited.

"I miss you," I said. We made out, then made love.

"If it's going to take all of me to be with you completely, I'll do it," I said.

In my dreams, Krishna drew a circle on the ground, though I wasn't sure of its significance. The circle I sketched meant 'eternal.' This could be the same, or I came full circle, not for certain.

The next day, the energy inside was deeply consuming. It built up to where it was completely challenging to endure, nevertheless I told myself again and again: "I can do it. I can do it."

Santi had spring break, and his constant need for attention made it difficult to process everything. Let alone had any time for myself. We did many activities together amid visions periodically occurred throughout the day, following a few days of break from them. The energy that very day was unbearable, spiking to the point it was excruciating. And I wasn't sure if I could make it or take it any longer. When Santi watched his TV shows, I closed my eyes crying in my bedroom.

"I can do it. I can do it. I'm doing it. I'm doing it," I said.

Holding myself, I rolled on the floor amidst the intolerable energy circled everywhere in me. This made it seem I wasn't sure what was really going on. With my eyes closed, I found myself inside the universe, with nothing in it except myself lying down crying, covered in the pool of tears. In a moment, I went to see my grandpa, wanting some comfort from him, as if it was impossible to make it, at this point. He sat in meditation pose in his monk outfit.

"You're already here! You're doing it!" he told.

I left, and went back to lie down, weeping in deep pain with tremendous overwhelming energy inside.

"Brahma!" I yelled then paused. "Brahma! Brahma!"

He came, riding on his swan, though he seemed to be in a hurry. He watched me in deep agony, with both arms wrapped around myself, bearing the intensity of this energy.

"Stay with me. I want to talk!" I shouted. "Brahma, you can put perspectives in me."

"Go talk to your husband," he said.

"It's okay. It's okay, my love. It's okay," Krishna consoled.

"It's going to take you and me together to do this, in every way. In every way possible," I said.

Then I was somewhere with only white clouds and clear light, making stars fall before turning them into white lotuses landing on those clouds. I created lotus ponds, too. They were nice and peaceful. Shortly, I wasn't sure if it was Krishna or Vishnu appeared in Universal golden form in midair. The brilliant light reflected covering the area. He added more porcelain white clouds. Shortly all the Gods and Goddesses came.

"It's going to take all the Gods and Goddesses in me to do this! It's going take all of us. All of you in me to do this!" I shot up in the air, shouting.

Once I opened my eyes, wanting to distract myself, to get away for a moment, but there was no desire to carry through. So, I continued lying on the floor, letting the agonizing energy seeping pass my veins. There wasn't much I could do, but allowing it to happen. Now I understood my grandma's words to 'not give up'.

Sean came home from work; I rushed downstairs telling him, "I completely need time to be with myself."

At this point going to a cave or monastery was best option; the transformations became challenging. Having a family and undergoing profound inner changes were doubtlessly and unspeakably arduous. Since I created this, the only way was accepting it, as well.

The next day was the same, facing the energy of letting go whatever was needed and allowing the energy of love to come in. Without question, this wasn't enthralling realizing even more that it was going to take 'all of me' because it was getting tougher, each time. Every union with Krishna delved deeper and deeper into love I never came cross. Whatever it was going to take, any kind of strength, I would do it. It was unfathomable, never knew how I could love immensely, ungraspably like this.

How could I love so much, so incomprehensibly?

In the morning lying in bed, I saw myself in cottony clouds with one big tree, painting a circle on a big white paper then flipped to another page to paint a circle, and adding little shades of color. Krishna reclined, relaxing. Radha strolled by picking flowers in the area. She didn't stop and he didn't go to her. He said something like she was me, as well as Krishna himself. So, I continued painting. A clear boardwalk appeared a distance away; I went to walk on it. He followed behind.

Then I was on a balcony of a building with a white flower crown on my head and a white dress on. He made a long white flower necklace appear in his hand, then placing it around my neck, and turning me around to face him.

"Be my wife once and again," he said.

"I'm always your wife through this eternity. Never stop," I answered.

"We will never stop you and I. Always together never apart," he continued.

"Never part again," I repeated.

Later, we were back on puffy clouds relaxing. He shared that he tried to get to me ever since I was young, after witnessing tremendous strength and bravery at such age. He never had let go and was always by my side 'ever since'.

An image of myself in Laos surfaced when I took the buffalo home from the deep forest on my own at dusk. However, the image of the two forests was recurrent throughout my life, although I wasn't sure reasons for it then. It occurred in my dreams, and when I relaxed or closed my eyes. So, I made it a peaceful place for myself, enjoying the soft shining sun. Now I understood.

"So you were an old man waiting for me to grow up?" I said, teasing him although Krishna had no age. He was timeless, eternal.

Daily the energy of 'reversing' was over powering, I broke down weeping every now and then in the bathroom or in my room, coming to once more how unbelievable I could love so truly, so deeply and so completely that my whole organism was this itself. It was incomprehensible, and I didn't know what to do. Undoubtedly I wanted to run, to escape yet I couldn't and wouldn't.

When I closed my eyes, the God with the flute waited.

"I love so much, my love. My love is so true, so strong, and so incomprehensible," I said putting my arms around him.

We strode on clouds until a tube appeared. I approached about to slide, but we slid through together, gluing to one another. We arrived to the other side and saw exact versions of Krishna and I. They greeted us. The other version of myself wore a red gold sari standing next to the other Krishna. However, I had a golden silk sari with beautiful jewelry on my arms, face, and nose. He and I treaded on a bridge over gentle, white clouds. We turned to each other, having another union.

"I end and begin with you, my love, Krishna. There's nothing else for me. In me is you, my eternal beloved. My supreme love," I said. I can't go anywhere, be anywhere except in you, my ultimate love. You're my beginning and ending.

"There's nothing else besides you, my eternal beloved. My all. My nothing. My God. My Goddess. We are together eternally, my love," he said.

Anywhere I was; I couldn't escape him. He was deeply inside, as myself, as if we were the same Soul.

### Chapter 57

The next day, the energy within was monumental, not slowing even for a bit, at least to breathe. Wanting to distract myself from enduring it, so I watched a show; however, not much later I faced the insurmountable energy, swirling, burning and twisting fiercely all over. Again, I wasn't sure if I could do it, going through this, but kept telling myself continually until I got a headache.

"I can do it. I can do it. I can do it!"

Every song played on the radio turned into this love, which increased the intensity of the energy, as if I couldn't even catch a break, at all.

How could I love so much? How could I love so deeply? "Oh my God! Oh my God!" I yelled inside, as the energy intensified, wanting to burst into tears. Yet I couldn't, lying on my bed and holding myself tightly curling up.

"Is this what it's all come down to, Krishna? Is this what it's all come down to? This very love itself? Is this who I am now? This indescribable, this incomprehensible and limitless love? Is this me now, Krishna?" I screamed, amidst energy swirling and spinning, as I could no longer bear it.

"Oh my God. Oh my God!" I bawled, enduring such powerful strength.

"It's okay, stay with me. Stay with me, my love. Stay with me," he said when he appeared.

"Is this the power in me? This love?" I asked.

He leaned me on his chest, not saying anything.

"If it is, then I accept. I accept. I accept us. I accept who we are, my utmost love," I went on.

In the purest white room, he and I lay holding each other.

I accept you. I accept us. I accept. I accept all of it. All of it. All of who I am.

Even looking at him was overwhelming. He was the All-Powerful God love energy. And even mentioning his name became overpowering, increasing the severity and intenseness inside, like I couldn't endure, as if I could implode into bits and pieces, at any given moment. While accepting and surrendering to it, very bad headache and dizziness occurred.

"Oh my God!" I said quietly to myself, prostrating in my room unmoving, staring-off the distance after opening my eyes. It was nice Sean watched Santi over the weekend, helping me be with what was going on solely, totally without disruption.

I closed my eyes, and found myself still lying on Krishna's chest. He stroked my long black hair.

"Is this just the beginning?" I asked.

"It never began or started. We are here all along, you and me. You're coming to it," he responded.

We made love, which immediately took the edge of dizziness and the overwhelming energy away briefly. Afterwards, I continued to lie quietly in his arms.

"It's good to be here. I had a long dream," I said. The energy reduced just a bit, where I could talk, without my arm pressing against my chest.

"We had a long dream," he added.

"You were with me?" I asked.

"We never parted, my love," he said.

"We were so lost then," I said.

"We were," he agreed.

"It was a fun ride," I continued.

"It was," he said.

"Since we didn't have anywhere to go," I paused.

"We made it up the whole time," he said.

"Wow!" I remarked.

"Incredible," he said.

"Let's go chase each other up in the clouds," I suggested.

We chased each other. The sun reflected brilliantly through puffy, thin clouds. Soon, a bright golden light blasted from my form, while I stood in the air, with endless arms, as the Godhead. Krishna watched. Then, I sat before lying on my back. Now he was in the sky playing his flute, making pink lotus flowers petal fall, covering my body and the area. I smiled. He made dancers came by; we sat watching their dances. They twirled beautifully in long, flowy skirts.

Sometimes images of creation emerged. I was able to create fast in a flash similar to building Legos. I put one Lego on top of each other, rapidly instantly.

I opened my eyes. The energy was better, so I left for a drive and filled up gas. Everything I observed was similar to how it was; however, I just drove, enjoying despite the energy continued churning. Every now and then I'd rub my chest. The songs were normal again; I just listened not thinking anything of it.

Nonetheless, once home, I needed to be with myself. In my room, with the door closed, I wanted to cry my heart out, as if I needed all the strength and energy to be with what was going on. Despite wanting to weep, I couldn't. It was unbelievable how close, connected, imbedded and one I was with Krishna. He was me and I was he, which brought tears to my eyes. This love, this union was truthfully powerful than I could even possibly comprehend. Talking to the Divine God was if I was talking to myself. Everything he said was what I'd say. I wrote at night, and paused.

Was I even writing? Was there even anything at all? It seemed I made everything up. All of it.

Santi watched his television shows near bedtime, I asked Sean to come in my room for a chat. It seemed I needed something, anything because the intense energy turned, becoming unbearable again, incurring immense uncomfortableness. Unsure what all the conversation was truly about since we didn't stay on one point, but his suggestion was to accept myself as Krishna. Santi heard this in the next room and affirmed it. Of course, I got it, but to completely embrace the truth was another thing.

Gosh, I still want romance with Krishna.

So, I wanted Krishna to be Krishna and La was as La, in order to continue the romance and marriage unions through this eternity.

"I went inside the Hindu Temple because they have Hare Krishna," he said.

"I didn't look at it," I said.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because he was next to Radha; I'm Jealous," I said then informed him minimally I've been with Krishna, romantically and in marriage. He laughed.

"You're making love with yourself. You're jealous of yourself. They're both you," he said. Despite my understanding, remembrance and awareness, but to have complete acceptance was another. The fact of the matter was - I had to go through the transformative experiences of remembering and coming to who I was, on my own over and over until all was me, completely and wholly, without questions or words, until I was "it" absolutely in every way.

Waking up at night, the energy was the same, but now there was pain in it, and I didn't know what to do.

Why is this so hard?

On top of the roof, I screamed.

"Krishna! Krishna! Krishna! What does this come down to? What does this come down to? What have I come down to? Krishna! Krishna! What has this come down to?"

My shouting became repetitive. Close to being in tears, I wrapped my arms around my chest.

"What does this come down to? What's all this come down to? Krishna! Tell me! Tell me! What does it all come down to?" I rolled on the floor in hurt and pain.

"Is it just me now? Does it all come down to just me now?"

Then fear emerged.

"Was all this coming to just me, La Kingsavanh?"

When he showed, immediately I flew to him, held his hands, and put a gold ring on his finger. It was another union.

"I will take you as me! I will take you as me! Krishna!"

He didn't say much, but I found us lying down looking at each other.

"I will take God as me," I said touching his face. "I will take God as myself."

I must've fallen asleep, waking in the morning distraught, something inside was coming to an end and not certain what. It could be the complete end of who I thought I was, leaving everything behind.

Again, with the same question, I asked during my eyes closed for meditation.

"What's all this come down to, Krishna? What's all this come down to?"

I sat on the roof then lay facing down in pain and distress. Shortly, I gazed at the sky saying. You and I never end Krishna. I can't let you go. I can't let you go. I just can't. I will die.

An image of what I wrote came: God❤.

Is this what it comes down to? Is this it?

He appeared; I headed toward him. He was a bit different more like myself despite his skin was blue, with a hairband wrapped around his head with a peacock feather, and wearing an off shoulder beige outfit long to his feet. A beige belt was secured around his waist. Although he was myself, yet didn't care, more accepting of the truth.

"What's all this come down to? What is it all come down to?" I asked.

A tube appeared, different, much bigger similar to silver duct pointing upward in the air.

"Go through it," he said. "I'll be there."

I dove into the round hole. It shot me along, though it was smoky. Shortly I came through, covered with smokes. A shower appeared; I showered. Once finished, I sat until a clip board with blank white paper and a pen came to my hand. It became windy suddenly, blowing the paper and making it challenging to write. Nevertheless, I thought leaving it blank since nothing emerged, though about to draw a circle, but I stopped then wrote 'god' in small print. The wind blew the paper, turning it to the next clean page. I wrote, 'God' in the next couple of pages and halted. Then I just made 'God' appear transparently on every page, and let the paper flew from the clip board.

So, this was what it all came down to: God.

The sun's reflection displayed immediately. I soared to the brilliant sun, circling it a few times, before shouting this to myself:

I never end. Eternal. God.

"She got it again," I heard Vishnu conveyed to Krishna, and hearing them brought smiles. They soared my way, as I sat on the cloud, in the middle of beaming sun.

"You're in me as me," I said upon their arrival.

They disappeared inside me then came out in their Godly forms. I hugged Vishnu, letting him know my love and affection for him, until turning to Krishna crying, couldn't fathom my immovable love for him, as I couldn't be without him, at all.

"I can't let you go. I can't. I just can't. I can't let you go. I love you so completely. I can't. I don't know how. I want to be with you completely until there's no difference with us, until there's no difference. So complete that we are the same, my love," I said.

I can't be separated from you or I could die. I love you so completely, so truly and so deeply. I can't let you go.

"We need to go higher," he said after hearing this.

"Give me until tonight," I said. Santi needed to go to school. We stood in front of another tube.

### Chapter 58

During the day was the same, energy which truly couldn't be explained precisely persisted it. There was some tint of sadness in it, not wanting the romance to end, or coming to fully accept what was going on. However, I hadn't had gained full remembrance of myself, I could only continue. And at this rate, I'd do anything; there wasn't anything else except to go 'all the way', although I wasn't sure what it all meant by "all the way." It was what was in myself.

At night, my distraction was skimming different Asian dramas and reading about those shows, delaying myself from meditating despite a vision of Krishna waited by the tube surfaced. After Sean informed Santi was asleep, I meditated.

"I waited," he said.

Instead of traveling the tube, we lay on the roof. Following our intimacy, I made a tree appear. Afterwards, I slid. The tube was swirly, a twisty strand, straight up to the top unlike others. It was very lengthy that I kept yelling for Krishna. He encouraged continuing despite shooting myself completely high, and still had ways to go, it was never-ending. The tube became truly narrowed, making it difficult to travel, yet I managed to get through, somehow. Again, I called for him. He was way up.

"I'm going up to where he is," I said.

Finally, I made it to him, but the tube didn't end, it was a break until I had to go again. Both of us were on rooftop observing water in a tray. The water was clear, though not the clearest.

This was where I must've fallen asleep because Santi came to my room around midnight. Following using the restroom, I fell back to sleep.

There wasn't anything new besides facing the same thing: not truly know how to accept Krishna as myself completely. It became very stressful, afraid it was going to end once I entirely accepted this. Then I took myself back to where he and I were observing the water. He was very much myself, even though his skin was blue. The more I observed him, the more La was looking at herself.

"I miss you with my all," I said, nonetheless. We kissed then made love. I lay on his chest. He lifted my hand to look at it.

"This is," he said.

"It's yours, all yours. All of me completely is who you are. All of it, I'm all yours truly and completely. There's nothing left of me but you, from beginning to end," I said.

Feeling distraught, I stood up and headed to the other side of the roof, nearly succumbing to tears. The immense energy that had been inside for many days and weeks wasn't slowing, where I could just breathe, exhale a little. At loss enduring such continuous overwhelming energy, I was on the verge of meltdown. Then I speeded in midair weeping, until finding myself in a room sitting similar to a doctor's office. My hair was wet, like just getting out of a shower.

"You're going through changes. Give it time. It will all come together," another version of myself said upon coming into the room.

Then she (myself) and Krishna were way at the peak of the tube, that I hadn't fully traveled all the way.

"Will she make it up here?" she asked.

"She will once she's ready," he answered. They both watched me in distress, staring at the floor blankly. Soon they rolled around kissing and making love. I walked out of the room, heading by the tube and flew right in. The tube had gotten much smaller, yet I forced myself through the tiniest hole regardless of how narrowed it truly was, even a tiny strand of human hair couldn't possibly pass. The space turned incredibly narrowed, so I stretched it, creating room to get by.

"She's making it up here to us," she said to Krishna.

"I'm waiting for her," he replied. Despite however long, I wasn't giving up and could see I made headway. A glimmer of light shone.

I must be getting close.

Momentarily, I shot up, all the way and shouting loudly into the air.

"I am God Krishna! I am God Krishna. I'm Krishna! I'm Krishna!"

I accept! I accept! I accept who I truly am! I accept! I accept! La Kingsavanh is God Krishna!

Standing on another rooftop, Jesus, Buddha and other Gods headed my direction with a silver crown mixed with shiny gold. A throne covered over with a white cloth appeared. Jesus placed the crown on my head, but it was loose. The metal headdress didn't quite fit, only meant I still had ways to go with Krishna. Somehow this brought a smile. Then I soared about observing the shimmering sun and yelling, "La Kingsavanh is God! I'm God! I'm God!"

I shot higher landing on the untouched clouds and clear skies.

"She's back!" I heard.

Buddha and Jesus played cards; they both sat on light wooden stools, with a round table. I walked toward them.

"She's back," one of them said. A magic wand suddenly came into my hand, so I made blinking stars covering the empty atmosphere and letting them fall, but Jesus and Buddha vanished. When I stopped the falling stars, they returned and continued playing. Inside, I wasn't as distraught. It was liberation to accept what was going on. Krishna showed up, and it was him, approaching to give a hug.

"So proud of you, my love," he said. My grandpa sat over the clouds smiling. I smiled back.

Krishna and I kissed before making love. It was us again, back to almost the way it was. Now I was he and he was myself, one and the same, almost completely, but not quite. After we made love, we made love again.

"We can do this all night," he said.

"I need rest," I said lying in his arms.

"Half of the night?" he asked.

"That's still a lot," I responded.

"Most of the night?" he went on.

"Maybe," I grinned.

Brahma soared by, riding on his swan.

"Brahma!" I yelled, surprised he stopped by. I soared to sit behind him.

"Glad to see you. Thank you so much for everything, my best friend, my love, my husband, my all," I said. My husband?

Brahma and I made love once though I wasn't sure of the circumstance how it all happened, but his energy was the same as Krishna, so it was the same as making love to the Divine God.

"You were brave," he praised. "Accepting yourself takes courage."

"Thank you," I said. "Where are we going?"

"You still need to remember yourself. Still have ways to go. You need to remember yourself as Krishna," he remarked.

"Krishna will be coming, too," I told him.

"I figure," he said.

We arrived to an open place, with some sparkling, blinking stars in the sky. Brahma wasn't around so Krishna came, and no doubt we made love nearly the whole night. Close to morning, I asked him to leave, before Brahma would arrive.

I was much at ease following the meditation, to have accepted myself as Krishna even more. It was relaxing and was able to mingle with friends on social media for a bit then spent time with Santi, giving him attention and love.

That day Santi would be at his grandparents after school. This meant I'd have plenty of time alone. Once I was home after he was in class, I didn't do much, just staring out the window not thinking about anything. Shortly I closed my eyes for meditation, hoping I'd fall asleep since I didn't rest much.

Krishna wore a doctor's coat with a head mirror on, holding a magic wand. Unsure what was going on, I observed. Swiftly an image of Statue of Liberty holding a magic stick in the air, surfaced.

Freedom. Independence.

He carried me into a patient's room.

"Operate on her," Brahma said. It was the same room where I was with Vishnu, and where Krishna had to perform the same procedure. As soon as Krishna lay me down though, he couldn't keep his eyes off of me, so we made love.

"Oh, come on!" Brahma shouted.

"It just has to wait a minute," he told Brahma. Subsequently, he dissected my body, but there wasn't anything. He informed Brahma about it.

"Take what you can out, whatever is left," he told Krishna. Inside were brittle, old bones that were dying out or falling off. He rinsed away any remains despite they weren't much.

During meditation, I fell asleep and woke an hour later. Lying in my bed, once more in disbelief how I could be deeply in love that my whole being and non-being was now this love itself.

### Chapter 59

Waking in the middle of the night, I meditated. I entered into a room that was mostly golden with gold energy filling it. Hanuman had a doctor's lab coat on. He walked about meanwhile I was taken by the brilliant golden air. Krishna appeared wearing a brilliant golden crown on his head with gold arm bracelets and necklace. He was without a shirt, and indeed handsome. I couldn't stop gawking at him.

My outfit changed to one shoulder white dress with gold bracelets on my arms, ankles and wrists, looking like a Goddess. Both sides of my black hair that was down passing my shoulders were pulled back.

I sighted another room, and entered. Krishna waited outside. The room was filled with gold energy making it look like a room. Vishnu reclined on a sofa. I sat, yet had nothing to say, and left.

Krishna looked out the balcony; again it was in light gold atmosphere. Then, we soared in midair, became formless as the universe making love. This was the first time he and I made love this way; however, Hanuman mentioned something about it to Vishnu.

"She's is his wife!" Vishnu shouted.

Making love as the universe, formless and clear was what Vishnu and I did when we were together. Now I was completely back with Krishna. It took us a very long time to get here, at least twelve marriage unions.

After making love, we strolled by the ocean. Despite we had been there many times, the sea was now different. Everything was light gold, including the water, the atmosphere, and the golden sunset.

Wow!

The Gods and Goddesses strolled along the beach enjoying their evening. Krishna made a golden bed consisted of golden appear in the air. We went inside, kissing and rolling making love. We were once again a newlywed couple.

"Want to have a baby?" he asked.

"Yeah," I responded. Following making love, we continued being intimate, until we walked on the beach and enjoying our night.

"We make love a lot!" I said. "I mean a lot!"

"Making love is creation. We are a union, sharing myself with you. Making love is continuous creation, reproduction," he said.

Shortly, Radha walked by. I turned to Krishna and hugged him, not wanting him to go talk her, or even look at her, anything at all.

"She's you, my love," he said. His reminder softened me, I was much more accepting.

"Wait here," I said.

"Radha!" I called. She stopped. I went in front of her, held her hand and said, "You're like a sister."

"Yes, my love," she said. I walked back to Krishna. He was proud of me facing my insecurity.

"Hanuman is waiting," I said. After seeing him in that garment, only meant work.

Immediately upon my arrival, I was in a room lying on a bed. He took off my clothes and cut my body apart, one by one. Each time he was about to slice another, I became anxious. The process was disturbing and emotionally frightening; I grabbed on Krishna's hand.

"Krishna! Krishna!" I yelled holding onto him tightly, terrified before screaming Vishnu's name, too, who watched in the other room and understood why he was there.

"I'm here. I'm always watching you," the Maintainer said.

"Krishna, you have been soft with your wife," Hanuman said during dismembering though no blood dripped from my form. There wasn't bone either; however, my skin was blue. He was taking my conditions or any physical aspects apart, until there was nothing left to who I was.

Once he finished, Krishna held a torch somewhere at countryside, where I usually burned corpses. He burnt my body parts and later took my ashes to toss them into streams, rowing on a small boat.

"It's time to say goodbye," I heard. Up in the clouds, I was formless and watching, with a one-piece white gown on.

Say goodbye? What the heck does that mean?

Krishna took a long time, Hanuman came to get him.

"It's time to attend your wedding," he said to Krishna.

"What? What wedding?" I said.

Suddenly Krishna stood facing Radha holding her hands in marriage, in a golden room. Undoubtedly, I freaked and started crying hard.

"What the fuck? What the fuck?" I yelled loudly, crying up in the sky transparent. Soon I stomped my feet, causing a commotion that shook the entire clouds and the place where they were.

"She's not taking it easy," Hanuman said to Krishna and the guests who attended the ceremony.

Once I calmed, and wiped my tears. _Maybe I need to give my blessings then leave_.

"Congratulations, Krishna," I said.

"Sister," I made a small bow to Radha, and left quickly weeping.

Somewhere in the clouds I held a baby, but it wasn't in pure form yet. Inside, truly and deeply hurt, broken in bits. The little one was crying, as I was crying with broken heart. However, I soothed the child by saying, "It's okay. It's okay. It's okay."

Krishna and Vishnu watched from another level up surpassing the clouds. As I wept trying to calm the baby, Krishna sobbed then turned away from watching us.

"You need to be strong, Krishna," Vishnu told him. "In order for her to be strong, you need to be strong."

A crib appeared; I placed the baby inside it, even though it still cried. Now I was alone with the infant, without the father. When the baby became hungry, I fed it. Not long, the baby was able to crawl, and looked no different than baby Krishna, with curly hair, blue skin and a band tied around his head, with a peacock feather. Precious jewelry was adorned on arms and ankles. Soon, the baby was able to talk.

"Who's my father?" the child asked.

The question had me choked in tears, it jolted my whole. I walked away to get ahold of myself, as pain crept by.

"Mommy! Who's my father?"

"Krishna is your father! Krishna!" I finally shouted, then quickly grabbed the baby heading somewhere else, since the two Gods continued watching.

We were at a farm, living in a bare hut in dry season. The rice fields were dead. The boy grew to be about 10-years-old. We spent a lot of time together: chasing, running, jumping, and so on.

"Will father ever visit us?" he asked.

"It doesn't matter if he does or doesn't. When you look at me, I'm both a father and mother. When you see me, you see your father Krishna, as well as your mother, in one," I said.

Being on my own brought confidence, I needed no one, not even Krishna. It was true; I was so completely and so deeply in love with him, and couldn't bear to leave his sight for a split second. Now, I was fine without him. He visited when the boy was out at the farm, saying he wanted to be with us.

"There's no need," I said. He left. He was older, possibly in his fifties.

Shortly the boy grew to be a teenager looking no different than Krishna. Then he became a full teenager, identical to his father, no difference in a slightest. I began to miss Krishna.

"Let's go somewhere," I said. "Let's go see Brahma, time for creation!"

Krishna visited again.

"We are fine. I have my son," I told him, and immediately we left.

As soon as we reached Brahma, he said: "You brought your son."

"Yes," I replied.

"Create storm!" he said.

"Move aside," I told my son, raising myself in the air, turning the sky dark. Lightning flashed, and dirt blew, forming strong wind.

"What type of storm?" he asked.

"Hurricane! Cyclone! I'm creating flood!" I yelled. The wind became exceptionally, extremely forceful coming my way, so I stepped aside letting it go by, though didn't see the flood.

"That's destruction! Now maintain!" he said. Brahma didn't take form this time; he was formless, invisible with only sound.

"I create storms, but didn't destroy anything," I replied then went to assess. Everything was maintained just like I said. Usually when I destroyed, everything would be wiped out like it was the end. In some areas of the plains was water, with green grass. I walked examining, Shiva, Krishna and Vishnu came watching in the sky. Krishna glanced my way, and I rolled my eyes at him, just a tiny bit mad although it didn't matter now.

"Create as you go," Brahma said. By putting white flower bushes in different parts of green fields, with water in some corners made the surrounding scenic. The sun's rays displayed nicely over the creation.

"You create continuously," he said.

"How do I create?" I asked.

"By sending out a thought," he responded. Abruptly on my right, trees grew with green grass around it. It became a forest.

"Do you want big, small or medium size?" he asked.

"Medium," I answered. The forest stopped growing to just the right size. "Wow!" Krishna, Shiva and Vishnu observed. Again, I glanced at the blue God, yet wasn't interested to go talk to him. I was all about creation.

"The husbands?" Brahma asked.

"I am just with one," I replied, and wasn't head over heels any longer.

"Go have another union with Krishna and come back," he suggested.

"No. It can wait because I'd like to create. We had at least twelve unions already," I shared.

Now up in the air, I continued observing the green rice fields, as the sun beamed softly. Then, I made a village full of villagers, buffalo, chickens, huts and more appear, just by reaching out my hand. It was that simple.

Wow!

Shortly I created America, Europe and other countries, again by opening my hand. Closely watching my own creation, I wasn't able to believe my eyes.

Wow! I create this? I put this here? Wow!

"You label your creations," he said.

"Why?" I inquired.

"To get differences from no difference, endless differences instantly. The eternal now," he replied.

"Wow!" I remarked.

"From no difference, I put differences," I mumbled. Suddenly, we were in a room looking at a human body similar to an anatomy class.

"You create your body instantaneously," he went on.

"What about the organs and intestines?" I asked.

"Instantly. You put on mind, body and soul," he continued.

"The whole armor," I said.

"Since everything is instant. There's no first or last," he elaborated.

An image of myself building a Lego surfaced. With one piece of Lego, I put on top of another, then on another, although I put one first, but it was instantaneous. It became a house which was all immediate.

"What about emotions?" I asked.

"You put on emotions," he answered.

"They are conditions," I added.

"To experience all aspects," he elaborated.

"That's it for now, Brahma," I told him. "I need to process and understand."

"Go face your husband," he suggested.

Krishna played his flute in the air. Following my understanding of his actions, which was to help me be independent and come to Brahma. It wasn't too upsetting.

"Do you want to sleep in the hut or that?" he asked, pointing to a bed surrounded by golden energy that he just created. We spent the night in the gold bed, and I was much more comfortable in it; however I slept in another corner, not saying anything. Yet, slowly I moved next to him, to sleep in his arms.

In the morning, Santi and I played with his cars until needing time for myself. Once he was dropped him off to school, yet two hours later I had to pick him up. Since the transforming and remembering had been going for months, not stopping only small breaks here and there, really increased my frustration to the point I wanted to 'leave' and be with myself, alone somewhere. It became tremendously challenging having a family and going through this, deepened my understanding why others left to go to caves, mountains, and woods.

When Sean was home from work, he was informed about my need for space to process and be with myself with any time I had at all. Not even five minutes later, Santi came in my room as I lay relaxing. Not able to have a break to breathe, amplified my frustration to the point I was on the verge of truly leaving. Once again, Sean was firmly informed of how much I needed his help, to take care of Santi. Truly, I was on brink of breaking down. Inside, I was pent up, not having time to understand my meditations clearly, as well as be with what was continuously transpiring internally.

Sean informed that I could 'leave', though I didn't know where to or had the money to go rent a hotel, to stay, until things slow down.

He asked about my meditation, and I shared. He informed Hanuman was taking away my conditions piece by piece, which made sense since inside I was falling apart, on the edge of a meltdown, fading away to no end. We discussed other things, but I can't remember them.

### Chapter 60

The next morning, an understanding came, why I was highly uptight. Not only with the changes happening, but I needed to let go completely by burning down conditions, any physical aspects to ashes. It was time to say 'goodbye'. Santi watched his television shows in the morning, so I closed my eyes for meditation. Immediately, I saw myself walking toward Vishnu.

The love for him returned, so I kissed him, although a thought of Krishna emerged. Then I left to see Krishna. He was at the beach.

"You are my one true love," I said.

After we made love, I returned to Vishnu. We left to a river and stood on a bridge. The atmosphere was dim. To see what was underneath, I lowered and found tubes and opened them. Despite I undid many, they were more. Krishna and Vishnu helped. It took a long time to uncover all the tubes.

"I open them all!" I shouted. Once it was all done, it looked like I had just opened the entire dam.

While drinking coffee, an image of creating appeared. By just looking, I created everything, anything and anyone instantly, immediately. Remembering everything was my creation, rain, snow, sun, wind - all. Everything was there, as I was there, instantly here and now.

Things subsided a bit following my understanding, the energy inside wasn't too immense, and I was able to spend time with Santi, until he had to attend class. This was the day I could be with myself for a couple of hours longer before the little guy returned from his grandparents. It was a relief. At home, I cooked, listened to music, and read what I had written and then meditated.

Many deities dressing in fine garments blew horns they each held in their hands, whereas I stood on the roof watching at night. Then I picked up the white horn with gold around it and blew into it. Krishna arrived, dressing in gold. He took me somewhere to make love as the universe. I fell asleep amid meditating, and continued during it. He and I were having another marriage union.

"You are with me eternally," he said. Then we sat on golden thrones. I was in my Greek Goddess dress. Someone came to put a golden crown on my head, but it didn't fit perfectly though we adjusted somehow. Still, the round thing didn't fit, so I made a gold tiara appear on my head, instead of wearing the crown. Among the Gods and Goddesses was one of the actors I knew. She congratulated us then walked down the hall, I followed her. She entered into a room, with computers.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Searches," she replied.

"Searches?"

"Searches for love," she answered. I smiled, about to walk out.

"You're not staying?" she asked.

"No. I'm love all along," I replied. Love is me all along. Love is me all along. I'm love. I'm no longer afraid of myself.

Suddenly I was at the ocean with Krishna standing on water observing it. He lifted a wooden triangle shape bowl with water in it. The water was bottomless inside it.

"Let's plant our tree," he suggested.

We put a small tree in it. Many trees were in the area grew nicely all around. We took ourselves to the height of a roof, to view a small green plant inside a jar.

"Keep watering it. Take good care of it," he told. I opened my eyes.

I was on the roof watering the plant and putting fertilizer in it to help it grow in the following meditation. I planted more. They grew beautifully and healthily by consistently nurturing them.

Next, I was with Krishna on the beach, and wearing a white flowing dress with a white flower crown on my head. We lay on the sand gazing at one another.

"You're my ultimate love, my supreme conscious. There's no one, but you, my love, La Kingsavanh. Don't be afraid of yourself," he said, realizing our love was identical. What I said to him became what he said in return.

Is it coming to an end now?

In the morning, I got up to go make coffee, then called Santi to come down from his room for breakfast. Once he finished eating, we played for a bit until I needed five minutes, to eat then getting him ready for school. Moreover, I needed to be with the energy that gradually returned, as well as time to process the last meditation. However, he wanted for me to continue playing with him. He was asked him to play on his own, but it became a challenge; he hung onto my side and pulling my hand, causing me to yell at him. Inside, I just wanted to scream my heart out. Even wanting a minute to breathe was truly difficult. Santi would call my name every second, minute and would come to grab my hands and legs, where I couldn't catch air, at all.

It took tremendous of who I was to go through this, in addition to raising a son. Once again I just wanted to 'leave', to be with myself with no interruptions somewhere completely quiet. A couple times now Sean was informed about my desire to 'leave' because I couldn't do it anymore, raising a child and undergoing immense transformations that needed all of who I was. You could say now I was literally at a breaking point, not knowing what to do, and wanting to scream loudly on the brink of a complete breakdown.

Later, I took him for a bike ride in the neighborhood in order to have a second while he rode his tricycle. It was nice weather outside before dropping him off to school. In the middle of going around the block, I told myself I wanted it all, all of who I was and not be scared.

The Almighty. The All Powerful. The All Knowing and the All Existing. The Almighty. The All Powerful. The All Knowing and the All Existing. The Almighty. The All Powerful. The All Knowing and the All Existing.

That day I had a lunch date with my friend, but didn't cancel it although needing time alone. It was nice to have lunch; it incited clearer understanding of something: I didn't want to have another child due to what I was going through, and not wanting to start from the 'beginning'.

Following lunch, there was only half an hour, until picking up Santi. After preparing a sandwich for him to eat, I sat staring out the window then closing my eyes. I found myself in a room with Vishnu sitting side by side. Krishna appeared in the clouds.

"Your supreme love," Vishnu commented.

"Yes," I answered. Although Krishna showed up consistently, it looked as our romance faded, or was it too overwhelming and I needed a break?

"The ultimate love you have for him is the ultimate love he has for you," he explained. One and the same then.

I stopped meditating. During my drive to Santi's school, not understanding why I didn't want to start at the 'beginning'. It wasn't about having another baby, but where I was with myself. Now I wanted to be in the 'middle'.

The middle, I want to be in the middle.

Undergoing transformations was profoundly draining even my body was also stressed. Pimples grew on my forehead and on both sides of my face.

Santi and I were outside when we came home, enjoying the nice weather. He rode his bike whereas I sat and watched him, trying to process and be with the energy, although he kept riding his bike on my feet and consistently bumped it into me. I was upset. When Sean was home from work, I waited for him to go inside to change while holding onto this thought about being in the 'middle', so I wouldn't forget though didn't realize clinging to just a thought took a lot of energy. If I had to say something I needed to say it right then and there, otherwise, it would be gone similar to air brushing on my flesh. However, at times, it would come again.

"I don't want to be in the 'beginning' anymore. I want to be in the 'middle'. Do you understand why?" I asked, as soon as he sat.

Plenty of times if Sean and I talked, Santi would interrupt, made it challenging to understand so I would yell, and asked him to play with his toys.

"There's no beginning, middle or end. Maybe you're scared. It's out of your comfort zone," he said.

"I'm just so stressed. This is so hard. Sometimes I'm not sure if I can make it. It's been going on for months. Having a family and doing this seems impossible. Now I understand why people go to caves, forests, mountains."

"It is definitely hard, no doubt. It's the hardest. Maybe you just want peace," he remarked, yet this didn't seem it, but possibly.

"There must be a reason why I said I wanted the 'middle'," I continued.

"Maybe you just want yourself now, La Kingsavanh. Maybe it's time to lose the avatars," he went on.

"I'm already myself. They will leave once I'm done," I said, yet inside I couldn't leave the Gods, especially Krishna, I'd die.

"It seems I'm so deeply, truly, and completely know nothing much worse than before. It's like I'm completely the 'unborn', whatever I come to now is in me as me. I'm it."

"It's the unknowing," he commented. "What about when you were enlightened?"

"What about it? I didn't even know what 'enlightenment' was. I came to it myself. It's when I was awakened to myself," I answered. It was true; enlightenment was when I came to know all and had full awareness.

"And Nirvana?" he inquired.

"I didn't even know what 'Nirvana' was until I was 'it' myself. That's when I liberated myself. Nirvana was freedom, I came home, the here and the now."

Although in Nirvana, I didn't know anything, empty without much desire and had lost much knowledge, intellect, reason, senses, self, and so on. If I said something, then I said something. If I didn't say anything, then nothing was said, there was nothing to it.

"What do you want then?" he asked.

"Complete remembrance. Fully conscious," I responded.

Then, I left to go upstairs to get ready for a jog, and wasn't certain if I could, the energy inside was heavy. I wanted to cry, but couldn't, unsure of what was happening.

While jogging, the whole entire time, I wanted to breakdown because something was coming to an end, but didn't know what. It became painful, so I walked listening to what was inside. It emerged.

I was lonely, a lonely girl. I was lonely so I made everything up. I made up everything. I made myself up. I wasn't anyone special. I made it up. I wasn't anything to begin with. It all comes down to me now, God. I was lonely. I was nothing from beginning to end, I just made it up. I was no one and no one special. I made it up.

Then I cried, wiping my tears strolling in the neighborhood in dismay. The truth hurt, doubtlessly.

Why is it so hard to accept myself? Why is it so hard to accept me as I am?

When I got home, I ran upstairs and wiped off more tears. Sean and Santi ate dinner. In my room, I broke down crying and holding myself.

Oh my God. Why is this so hard? Why is it so painful?

In the shower, I sobbed.

All there is - is consciousness. God.

After changing, I told Sean I was going to a supermarket to get sushi, salad and fruits. Upon entering, the entire supermarket changed. This change was longtime coming, but now it was here with much acceptance. Everyone and everything was nothing more than consciousness itself; God. Though inside I was still hurt, in pain despite I understood and realized of what was happening.

Sean was about to head to Santi's room when I returned, but he was asked him to chat for few minutes despite there wasn't much desire and it didn't even matter.

"I accept I was lonely that's why I made everything up, from littlest thing to everything. I made every single thing up - anything and everything. I accept. It all comes down to just me. I made myself up," I told him.

"That didn't take long for you to do this. Usually it takes a few days until you couldn't do it anymore. It's not because you're lonely that you make everything up. It's because you're God. Isn't it amazing how you can make up anything just by putting conditions on it? Incredible, huh?" he responded.

"I don't know how to accept myself as God. It seems truly hard. Something is coming to an end for me. I'm sad about it, but I'm not sure what," I shared.

"You're accepting yourself more though," he consoled.

"I start with nothing and now I'm where I started, nothing, complete emptiness. It comes down to one single thought. I'm alone, that's why I'm lonely. There's no one else," I explained.

"You are also everything. You have other energies around you. Your son, me, your family, friends," he said.

"Yeah, but if you take conditions, differences out, it's all one energy. One thought. No difference," I continued.

"Is that good?" he asked, I was about to eat another sushi.

"Is there even a sushi? Am I even eating?" I asked; this response was similar to Brahma's.

Sean said when one single thought didn't have an atom around it, it could be extinguished, which meant he wouldn't return anymore. However, I disclosed regarding my choice to come back two more lifetimes following this. Mainly the next lifetime my return was because of 'love and compassion'.

### Chapter 61

In the middle of the night I woke up to use the bathroom, and couldn't fall back asleep because I was hurt. It seemed accepting, as well as facing what was going on was painful and not accepting was also as distressful, to where I was going to collapse.

The next day wasn't any different. All I did was trying to hold it together until I had time to cry. Inside was hurt, and the energy flowing through wasn't thrilling. Even though this was difficult to uphold, I was going to step into the unknown regardless, and gain full remembrance of who I was.

On my birthday, my nephews and niece were invited over for a birthday cake. Moreover, Santi would have friends to enjoy his time with. Being the only child, he liked having friends, especially his cousins. Sometimes visions of myself sitting in complete emptiness, wearing a white dress with a white flower crown on my head, and putting my head down appeared. Then, I walked aimlessly pulling a long white flowers hanging together, feeling sad.

Nighttime came, up in my room. I wept hard, saying, "What do I do? What do I do? Fuck! What do I do? What the fuck!"

Frankly, it didn't occur to me this would hurt completely, like there was nowhere else to go. Now I understood deeper why I let myself died when with Brahma, and why Krishna burned my corpse, threw my ashes into the streams saying "goodbye."

It was I was already dead, and the only thing that needed was accepting and facing it. In meditation, I opened a door. The other side of it was some sort of another dimension, containing only navy blue gray energy, so I flew around in it, until seeing myself riding on a stationary bike with other versions of myself, going nowhere.

Momentarily stone stairs appeared in the clouds. I walked up them and saw silver spiral wind chimes similar to diamonds on my left. I kept ascending still looking at them, and sometimes flew up, not for certain why they were there. Inside was hurt, lingering. I wanted to call for Krishna and Vishnu, but couldn't because accepting them as myself also would bring great pain, but they were nearby. Soon I was on the roof, sobbing and rolling on the floor. Krishna came, lifted me and sat close to my side. He was different with porcelain skin, wearing gold pants, a gold necklace and a gold head crown, possibly in his mid-twenties. I leaned on his shoulder.

"Are you real?" I asked crying.

"I'm as real as you want me to be," he answered.

"I'm not real," I told him. I never was.

"You are energy that is love," he said.

"You're energy inside of me," I went on.

"You're also energy inside of me," he shared.

One and the same then.

"One and the same," he added.

Vishnu showed up, and I hugged him while he sat on the other side. Then I stood, staring at the clouds and soared incredibly high.

"There goes our wife!" one of them said.

"I'm my own wife!" I shouted.

Later on, a vision of myself sitting in front of a river, with a little white paper boat floating in water surfaced. I was saying 'goodbye', letting myself go completely.

Who I was, was all just dreams.

"Thank you, La Kingsavanh for all you did; the experiences you went through to come to who you really are. You were great. I love you so completely, so truly, and so deeply," I said, then wept. I could never thank you enough. You had so much love inside you and I will continue on with this love that couldn't even be spoken of or describe. Your love was unfathomable. Love and peace, La Kingsavanh. You'll be with me eternally."

I opened my eyes, weeping in my room. This also brought deeper understanding about what Krishna had said months ago, "To die and be reborn."

The next couple of days were similar. The energy persisting was intense. Sometimes I was okay and at times, there was hollow. A guru appeared in my dream saying, "You no longer exist."

"I no longer exist," I repeated.

He further mentioned 'I' was extinct.

In the morning before getting out of bed, I wept for Krishna. Again, lost, not knowing how to step into the unknown. A vision of him occurred, standing in front of me at the beach.

"There's no more physical for you. You're grieving over it," he said then vanished.

This could be why I was lonely; 'I' was dying. Despite my hurt lingered that morning, but what he informed made sense. Then I remembered what Vishnu said, what Krishna did, and what had been happening throughout the journey - was to let go of my form completely, so I could be the complete 'unborn'. During washing dishes, things started coming together, bringing a smile to my face. This was a celebration.

Soon, I saw myself soared high surpassing clouds.

"She's back!" I heard and landed on an open deck. All the Gods and Goddesses flew down.

"I want to celebrate! Here's a toast!"

Golden fireworks went off into the entire sky. They all said: "Congratulations!"

Then, I chatted with everyone there, thanking them for their guidance, until Krishna arrived in midair, in brilliant golden energy. All the Gods and Goddesses' energies were illuminating gold; however, mine was light gold or gold, I wasn't too sure.

Making small glances at Krishna, I beamed inside flirting. It seemed we were in a different dimension, though we had at least thirteen or more marriage unions. Shortly a golden lotus appeared. I shot up to observe it, and was in awe, without words. Then, I sat in it, before lying sideways with my hand supporting my head. Krishna saw my eyes.

"First time seeing it?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

We walked on golden, shimmering floor close together, but we didn't hold hands.

"You made it!" he said.

"Thank you," I said.

All I did you could say was smiling inside, flirting because now, it was he and I.

"You're so beautiful," he said.

"Am I now?"

We sat on a different tree, a few yards away on gold with clear sky. A paper and pen appeared, I wrote, 'I Love you' putting it inside the golden flute and shot it to him. He caught the letter, read it, wrote something and blew it back. It was a heart smeared on the bottom of it. The paper was old like he wrote it a long time ago, which I understood later, his heart never changed. His love was eternal, changeless.

"Your place or mine?" I wrote.

"Ours," he wrote back.

_Ours._ This meant we were still married; it softened me.

I made a big pond appear, with white swans swimming in clear water. Snow was melting from the bright sun's rays. After leaning on Krishna's chest, I went to the middle of the pond and made a white lounging chair appear. He watched. He wanted to make love; however, since I was still healing I'd like to wait a bit. Momentarily, he flicked something on my back.

"Ouch!" I yelled looking back at him, but when I turned around, he was in front of me looking in my eyes. The completeness of love returned, though it never left.

"I love you so truly, so deeply and so completely," I said.

"It's this very love is why you're here. You are love. God," he said.

After we made love, I leaned on his chest gazing at the sky. Just shortly another version of Krishna and I walked in the park, surpassing the puffy clouds holding hands. More showed up doing different things.

All is just us.

He left. I enjoyed the sun until the wind blew white and pink flower petals everywhere to where I was, with at least ten flower crowns circling the area. In just few seconds, the flowers covered the entire pond, I beamed. It was the Divine God. A sparkly diamond ring appeared on my finger, it was another proposal.

"We marry often, my love," I said.

"I'll marry you over and over again. Never stop," he replied.

No doubt his love melted my entire core, and I'd marry him in an instant over and over again. We had been through so much, and I endured tremendous changes with many breakdowns, hurt and pain to get to this point, not able to count how many times I thought I wasn't going to make it.

Shortly, I found myself in a white wedding dress, with my hair put up neatly in a bun holding a white flower bouquet, walking down an aisle full of white flowers on both sides. The aisle was long. I had to take a break in between and was asked "keep going."

It was a mile or more in distance, so I flew a bit and wondering where Krishna was. I took another rest and was suggested to "keep going". Finally, I entered into a white room with chairs; I sat waiting for the groom. A couple of deities were present, although I didn't remember who they were and drank champagne with them.

"Where's Krishna?" I asked, but no one answered. Little glimpse of light shone above, I soared up and walking on clear air holding a bouquet. The groom arrived in a tuxedo, flying me down.

"You're my everything," I said gazing at him. Now the love for this God couldn't even be described in words, the purest love unimaginable.

"My princess. My Goddess. My love," he said.

We made love, and I heard my own sound during it, as it was the only sound in the entire universe, so I stopped to listen. Once more it happened when I kissed him.

Wow.

Next, I was by myself in our abode unsure where he went, though later I found him somewhere, working with someone doing something, uncertain what. I stood by the door, up another floor; nevertheless, I could see him and he could see me.

"Your wife is here," an older gentleman with a white beard and a black suit on said. After waiting for a bit, I took off my clothes, only my light gold energy showed to get Krishna's attention. He glanced my way, yet went back to what he was doing. Momentarily, I flew away. He came after, flying me down on the roof.

"You can't get away after what you just did," he said. I smiled.

After our intimacy, I lay on his chest.

"My wife," he said.

"My husband," I said.

Then I negotiated with him regarding how often we should make love.

"Most of the night," I suggested, but he mentioned that was quite a lot; however, I didn't remember our conversation following that. Being with adult Krishna was similar to the younger one, but the adult was completely and truly calm. With the younger one, we would have made love at least ten times or more by now. Subsequently, I was home once more without him.

The next day in my life, the energy continued turning despite it lowered just a little, but I was somewhat sad. Santi had Easter break from school, so I took him to the park to play with other kids.

Going through changes and remembering caused friction with Sean, as well. His parents wanted me to go celebrate early Easter with them, as well as celebrating my late birthday, but there was no desire to go, just wanting time for myself and chose not to.

Now I wondered what Krishna was working on, so I was going to observe although he finished upon my arrival.

"For you," he said, handing over a little green spiral notebook, with floral decorations on the cover. It was a little journal.

Beautiful.

We returned to our abode, I opened it. The small book was blank with wide space between the lines; the color of the paper was light white with light purple color.

"I will leave it blank for now," I told him, but then a pen appeared in my hand. I held it for a second then drew a ❤. Turning to next blank page, I wrote 'God', and on the next page drew a ❤, then wrote 'God' on the next page then drew a ❤ on the following. I kept writing fast, getting a bit emotional because the energy inside turned like I was going to cry, and coming to this again softened me. This was who I was. Krishna asked to take it easy, though I kept going, writing on each blank page, 'God conscious is Love. God conscious is Love. God conscious is Love'.

"I'm Love. I'm Love. I'm Love," I said close to being in tears.

"It's both of us. You and I," he consoled.

Soon I speeded quickly in midair shouting and crying, "I'm Love! I'm Love! God conscious is Love! God conscious is Love! I'm Love!"

He came and held me, whereas I was on my knees, sobbing and accepting much more of myself. He wiped my tears.

"It's okay. It's okay. It's both of us, both you and me, my love," he said.

We sat, though a pen was still in my hand, and I was staring at another clean page. On the next few pages, I wrote: 'Love and compassion'.

I'm Love and compassion. Love and compassion. I'm Love. God conscious is love. Love and compassion.

Then I left the rest of the journal unwritten, since there was nothing else to add. We lay relaxing admiring the pond and in a moment, Krishna made a cupcake with one lit sparkly birthday candle on it. It was a celebration.

"One candle?" I asked.

"Just one. The only one to blow," he replied. I blew it. He even made my favorite fruits around it.

"Thank you," I said. We talked of inviting the Gods and Goddesses, but I just wanted to be him and I celebrating. I leaned on him observing the pond drinking champagne. It was peaceful and calm. Moreover, I didn't want Radha to show up since I'd be jealous.

"A beautiful beginning," he commented.

"A beautiful beginning," I repeated.

"Did you know I always wanted to be with you completely, deeply and truly since the beginning?" I asked.

"Yes, I know since the beginning," he replied.

"Since the beginning?" I continued.

"Since the beginning."

"The beginning?" I said.

"The beginning."

### Chapter 62

After taking a bath, my energy turned and twisted even more. Now I didn't know what to do, to be with myself. Sean and Santi were at Sean's parents' celebrating Easter. It seemed my lack of desire to go to dinner caused conflict with Sean. There was no way to go anywhere based on others' account, while the internal changes were immense, and choosing to be with myself was best. When he returned, I could smell stress and tension.

"You won't find yourself because you're so scared to," he said with what I was going through, which immediately sent my whole into the deepest end. Completely and truly upset I became that I threw a Lego box across the room, and the Buddha candle I got for my birthday present on the floor; they shattered into pieces. Santi cried.

I ran upstairs sobbing, like I was going to lose it, wanting to scratch my face and tear my heart open. The energy raised, and overwhelmed me. This time, it was to the point that I'd kill myself. It was I either end or move on. At the moment, it was unfathomable the magnitude of the transformations I underwent all this time was taking every inch and ounce of my strength, all of me completely and deeply; there was nothing left. This was incomprehensible, nearly impossible to do, in every way.

A realization came that either I end my life or continue on with it. It became a 'do or die' choice. Though at that very moment, I kept seeing myself taking my own life. Sitting in my room crying, I wanted to hurt myself by bleeding out, though it would take all of my strength not to do it, as well as it would take every breath of me to do it. The heaviness of this energy was unspeakable, like I couldn't go on with it, engulfing my entirety completely, as if I could go truthfully insane.

Later on, the insurmountable energy gradually lowered, I chose to talk to Sean asking him to never say anything like that while I was in tremendous stress, with such intense energy flowing inside, where I couldn't even begin to explain. It wasn't settling; it had been going on.

He said I hit 'rock bottom' and ending my life wasn't going to resolve anything since I couldn't die. That I'd be back doing this again, to continue on and not be scared. He informed I was so close to reaching the peak, yet due to my fear, I was taking baby steps. However, I let him know I was doing it my way, no one else's. It didn't matter if I was close or not close, until I came to it and be it myself, nothing had significance.

"It's hard for you to identify yourself as God," he said. "You're afraid."

"The dream is over for me. The mirror has shattered. Along the way I screwed myself up, I believed who I was, was real. To accept it, it's so incomprehensible. The energy going through me is tremendous. Whatever I'm going through, I need to go through so I can remember all of who I am."

"You can just choose it right now," he said. "I went through what you went through. You can just choose it, and you're there."

"Okay. I choose it," I said. "Nothing happens."

"You have to do it with your all."

"I'm doing it right now that's why I'm in this shape. I will go through what I choose. If this is what I choose then it's what I choose," I said.

At night, I could hardly sleep. Severe stress, pain and deep hollow kept me awake. It seemed it took everything I had not ending my physical form and the unfathomable strength to keep going. Finally after falling asleep, I dreamt being on the bus with many African Americans going somewhere, though I wasn't too sure of the destination at the time.

Nonetheless, this black lady and I looked similar. She also pointed to the two ladies standing ahead looking identical to us, even their outfits. The bus was crowded, with a mom breastfeeding her newborn. Some people stood in the middle of the bus. Soon, we reached our destination, and understood I was going to a housing project to stay for the night, unsure why. I found the building I supposed to stay, but was sort of nervous since it wasn't supposed to be safe. The lady who was in the bus with me located her room, and I did, too. The buildings were nice and didn't seem like an unsafe place. A black gentleman opened the door, I walked in. The room was neatly kept similar to a nice hotel suite. I inquired about emergency response if there was robbery, rape or unlawful entry would occur.

"30 minutes," he said before they arrive to the scene.

"30 minutes?" I said, surprised. Once hearing his answer, not certain if I could sleep. Krishna asked reason for going there, but couldn't remember the answer I gave him.

"If you don't want anything to happen, then nothing will," he said despite he wasn't with me.

"Nothing will happen!" I said then fell asleep soundly until morning.

Abruptly, I found myself at a hospital lying in bed. Krishna brought me in because I was hurt. He stayed by my side, holding my hand wanting me to get well.

"We will make love often once you get out," he said.

It made me beam hearing him, so I said, "I want to make love now."

"Now?"

I nodded; we kissed. The doctor was about to enter, but Krishna locked the door, letting the doctor know it had to wait.

I woke up to use the restroom, although couldn't fall back asleep right away stressed and in emotional pain as though I wasn't going to make it. It hurt also to see Santi witnessed what I was going through and the psychological aspect that could impact him. A couple times I apologized, letting him know it wasn't his fault. Now I wasn't sure what to do, the arduous process of transforming and remembrance affected people around. It seemed impossible to have a family and undergoing overwhelming transformations to remember myself. It brought great understanding why Buddha chose to go to the forest, leaving behind his family.

I understand. I understand. I understand.

In the morning, the vulnerability, hurt and pain lingered. The morning rolled by, I told myself I was going to go for it, after making through last night, and nothing could be worse than what I had endured. Now I concisely understood why I stood in front of the Gods and Goddesses yelling it was going to take the God strength in me to do it, and it did.

Once I finished jogging, I showered, got dress, and went to an Asian store in an area that wasn't too safe. Almost every Saturday morning, I'd go to buy fresh homemade foods, since my cooking wasn't excellent; however, a couple thugs entered in the midst of a friend and I chatting. She and I hadn't seen each other nearly decades. Usually I'd be a bit uncomfortable, but this time it was nothing, even an unsafe area became safe. In my car, I smiled inside realizing it wasn't too different from my dream.

I decide what happens.

Late afternoon, my sister, niece, Santi, nephews and I celebrated Lao New Year at the Buddhist temple enjoying foods. It was delightful to see friends and family members there, even though I didn't attend church or temples, only on occasions when they had good, delicious foods. Unexpectedly, my late uncle appeared to chat and letting me know he was happy to see me. Lately, I rarely go anywhere. He was really involved with the temple before his death.

In meditation, Krishna held my hand leading to somewhere.

"We are going through a door," he said.

Once we were in front of it, he opened it, the light shone through. We ascended the stairs; however, there was another. He opened this one, too, and the light reflected. We ascended the steps, and arrived on top of the world. He lay relaxing, and I did, as well.

"This is the highest. Limitless," I commented, since that's what came. Then I saw my station. Instead of looking at the universe through a telescope, I now lay on top of it. Krishna reached out his hand, shattering the whole place.

"Build new one," he said.

Now it was he and I who had to go head to head with each other. After much training to bring out my strength, Krishna and Vishnu were the ones to go full force with me. Last time, I went up against all the Gods and Goddesses except the two, and I defeated them, though it took all the strength to do so, especially with Rama. The Gods and Goddesses arrived to an open area with white light and clear energy, sitting and waiting for us to have a duel.

Krishna held a golden mace in his hand. He came for a kiss before commencing, though we ended up making love first, though I saw Vishnu during it. I stopped, yet chose to continue immersing my energy with Krishna. Then, I went to see Vishnu asking him what was going on, but I wasn't sure what happened.

For certain we were going to start, but we had to kiss.

"Are they going to do anything?" one of the Gods asked.

Krishna was far away; although this turn he had Vishnu's golden disc with him, about to release it. I brought mine; nonetheless my disc was gold platinum not pure gold. It swung in my finger, though wobbly. He released his. I let loose mine. However, he appeared behind, in front and around me. I'm surrounded. Despite I was in a body, but I neither had a head nor a body so I turned formless as the universe, Krishna was inside it.

"My love, I can neither be created nor destroyed," I said.

"Oh, really?" he asked, turning formless as the universe also.

"Yeah," I replied. So, now, we kissed and then made love again, this time, as the universe.

"This is no battle," one of the Gods said.

Then I saw myself in a white dress with my hair placed elegantly in a bun, walking up the steps incredibly high. Krishna was lower watching, as I took myself higher. Once there, I sat viewing clear sky, as bright light reflected.

"Come with me, my love," I said.

Of course, we made love again. I lay on his chest afterwards and kept saying I loved him, unable to stop because the love inside was immeasurable and now it was purest. His words he used to describe his affection were different. He would use 'true, complete.' No matter how many times, or often I communicated my affection, it didn't seem enough.

"I can't even say in words how much I love you," I said.

"Be in my silence, my love. Be in my silence. There's no difference with you and me then," he said, so I lay back on his chest, closed my eyes and found myself in the brilliant golden energy inside him. The love was absolute and bottomless like there was nothing else, but the purest, supreme, ultimate of consciousness itself. It became truly overwhelming and overpowering that I came out.

"I'm still scared. I'm still scared," I said.

"It's okay. It's okay, my love. Just be in my love," he said. I lay back on his chest, started to communicate the depthless of my affection, unable to stop saying it, this unimaginable and unyielding love.

"I will express my love to you eternally in every single way, in every single way, my love, non-stop. I will say it over and over again," I said.

"I will do the same, my love," he said.

I remember. I remember. I remember this union, this love.

The songs, movies, books and everything else were expression of this Eternal Love, going on endlessly here and now: the divine union of masculine and feminine energies. Coming to this again brought remembrance of the union with Vishnu.

Resting on his chest, I delved into silence by dissolving myself into him. In the absolute silence was also complete, unspeakable power like I couldn't be touched. When I was out, I flew to an open and pounded my fist on clear energy. It shook the entire place, causing enormous eruption.

"Come to the sea with me," I said. There, I lifted the vast ocean in midair, then created another, before dropping the one in my hand, causing massive, monstrous waves that could wipe clean the whole planet.

Let's see how powerful this force is all the way.

Up in the air, I caused the wind to blow exceptionally strong at God's speed you could say, the powerful windstorm uprooted trees, houses, and flipping grounds. Then, I lifted my hand to turn the world upside down. Earth became complete dirt, but I reverted it the realm to how it was, as it had never been touched.

Wow! This is absolute power!

Pumped and energized I shouted, "I'm it! I'm it!"

I soared to Krishna shouting: "Is this what makes Krishna, Krishna? The absolute and supreme power?"

He looked at me then put his forehead on mine, when I stood in front of him.

"We have no difference. We are the same. There's no difference," he said.

"There's no difference now?" I asked.

"There never was. The husband and the wife are one and the same," he reminded.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked.

"You have to come to it," he said.

"And be it," I added.

"You and Vishnu tricked me again," I continued. Vishnu came, so I informed of my deep affection for him. I hugged him, but he turned into Krishna, and when I was about to kiss Krishna, he turned into Vishnu. As I came to find out, Krishna was all three: Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva.

"There's nothing I wouldn't do or couldn't do for you," the God of Maintainer said, before he left.

Gosh.

Vishnu's love touched me completely. The negotiation with Krishna continued.

"After something like this, how about we make love after. Maybe even before, too," I suggested, smiling.

"And during it," he added.

"During it?"

Shortly I remembered being with younger Krishna. We made love during a black semi-truck drove itself. It was able to communicate asking what my destination was. This only indicated that he and I could make love, as well as make other things happen simultaneously. Abruptly images of destruction, creation and maintaining appeared.

Wow! I can be home writing and everything is happening instantaneously at once.

"Energy is behind it all," he said. "Ready for more?"

I woke up to use the bathroom at 2 am, which now could be about 3 or 4 in the morning.

"Yes, but I need rest," I replied.

"Can you sleep after something like this?" he asked.

"No," I said softly. "But, um."

This only suggested I lie on his chest, which would put me to sleep soundly, until Santi would wake up. We had been doing this for over months. This was the way I sleep. He made a bed appear for us to rest.

The next day was Easter, though the energy still churned, and I wasn't as hurt inside; however, it was unbelievable the incredible inner strength to pull through what happened. It felt as if I never knew of true strength such as this, as if I could move Heaven and Earth with it. This was 'pure strength'.

At night subsequently waking to use the restroom, not able to fall asleep no matter how I tried. Krishna sat in a room meditating, when I searched for him. Not wanting him to come out of meditation, I placed pillows on his lap in order to go to sleep. He didn't move, so I sat facing him meditating. Moments later, I entered inside his energy and sat as he. He got up, looking for me while I was inside him. He called my name many times, searching.

"I'm here! I'm here inside you!" I shouted.

He continued regardless, and I yelled telling him I was inside him.

"I got it. I got it."

This was what I was doing, when all along; Krishna was with me, in me as myself. There was no difference with us. Many changes were occurring and coming to accept this truth wasn't easy. Now, I was low. Throughout the day, I just spent time with Santi playing with his Lego and car toys, as energy turned and twisted. On few occasions, I'd place my hand over my chest. It seemed I was completely reversed all the way to who I was before taking form.

During my jog in the neighborhood, on a nice breezy, sunny spring day, a vision came. Krishna was nowhere to be found, yet I saw myself walking and holding a golden flute in my hand on golden land. On my own, I played the instrument.

"Supreme conscious," I heard.

I proceeded treading, until I was in the clouds transparent. Krishna showed up see-through over fluffy clouds playing his flute. We played our instruments looking at each other; however, this time, everything was 'clear'. There wasn't romance with us. After we finished, I heard again: "Supreme conscious."

He disappeared. I sat by myself, so I visited Hell, although there wasn't one for some time now. All my Helly brothers were gone except clear floor with bright light radiating. Images of Krishna shortly surfaced over the airy, light clouds, on the floor and everywhere, then images of myself showed all over.

"It is me, all along," I whispered lying on the floor.

### Chapter 63

At night following using the restroom, I found myself treading on clear air made of only energy. Krishna and Vishnu arrived just distance away. Despite they were nearby, I kept strolling silently to myself. It seemed the romance was gone. Everything was clear.

"Are you going to your wife?" Vishnu asked him.

"Is she even my wife anymore?" Krishna said. His question jolted my heart, I froze and cried.

Of course, I am! I will always be. I am! Why would he ask such a question?

Even though I wept and loved Krishna dearly, I continued strolling ahead.

"Maybe you need to marry her again," Vishnu suggested. This wasn't a bad suggestion; it put a smile on my face. Soon, Krishna and I married.

"My purest," he said before we made love. Afterwards, he had to go to war, to lead Arjuna.

"Come with me, my love," he said.

"No! I have no need for it. I will wait for you," I told him.

He got on the chariot about to leave with Arjuna.

"I need to get back to my wife as soon as we're done," he informed the Archer, still looking my way, as I was on clouds transparent. As they were leaving, I played the flute making white flowers fall on them, and the area where they were. Krishna kept saying he needed to get back to me immediately after the battle. This led Arjuna to suggest for Krishna to take me with, since it was hard for him to leave my side. Krishna continued looking my way as he headed off, then flew to where I was telling Arjuna to wait. Once we made love, he asked to go with him. Again, I declined.

Next, we found ourselves somewhere else, in a calming forest with fire flies and crickets singing while he rowed the canoe. I sat observing. The scene reminded when he rowed us through a river full of energy a long time ago, before reaching Nirvana. I played the flute. Shortly, we got out of the canoe, but it seemed to be in the same place, where we started. We didn't go anywhere. He pulled me to lie on his chest, he leaned against the tree. We were going to sleep. It might be near morning, though I had questions; however, he asked me to rest.

During my leisure stroll in the neighborhood the following afternoon, I reflected on the meditation, especially reasons for my hesitation to go with Krishna. Was I scared after what just happened? He asked a couple times, it could only indicate he wanted to show something important. Despite my reluctance; I was going to be open.

Then I went to see Vishnu.

"Trust Krishna," he said. As I sat relaxing with the Maintainer, realizing I didn't want Krishna to be by himself, so I left to go to him. Bones and skeletons were on the ground, then there was nothing. It became land.

"So many deaths," I said.

"Yes. Dead is already dead. Let go," he commented.

This is my own death? I thought I did.

He soared into the atmosphere showing his Universal form. Golden light reflected in vicinity, and the endless forms displayed in shiny gold. The love overcame my whole, causing me to drop on my knees saying, "My beloved Krishna. My eternal love. I love you so deeply, so truly and so completely. There's only you, my eternal beloved husband."

"Come up here, my love," he said whereas I stood watching him then shot up. He turned my body around, and hugging from me the back.

"Stay with me."

We immersed into one another. I became he then switching to myself, standing as the Godhead, in Universal form.

"God. The All Powerful. The All Knowing and the All Existing. God. The All Powerful. The All Knowing and the All Existing. God. The All Powerful. The All Knowing and the All Existing. God. The All Powerful. The All Knowing and the All Existing. God. The All Powerful. The All Knowing and the All Existing. God. The All Powerful. The All Knowing and the All Existing," I heard from Vishnu and Krishna. They were on the ground looking my direction.

Once it was done, I fell on all four. Krishna lifted me.

"It's okay. It's okay," he said when he saw my tears and in disbelief once more.

He carried me to our tent, lying me down and touching my face. He was proud.

"I love you, my God. My Goddess," he said then paused for a bit. "My weakness."

"You're my God," I said. "The only love for me. My all." Then I paused before saying, "My strength." My weakness.

"Krishna loves his wife so much. He's even showing her she's God," mentioned one of the men, walking outside.

"How about all night," Krishna asked.

"All night? All night?" That's a lot. That's not even a negotiation.

The next night, I searched for Krishna everywhere, later found him in battle ground. Now there were two Universal forms shining and shimmering.

"I have waited," he said.

Again, he asked to go stand with him. Once I did, I suddenly found us on a golden chariot going somewhere. We were on clouds. He drove, so I sat next to him. Sometimes I'd be the one doing the driving.

"My queen," he said, but shortly killed me with a white horn. "Sorry about that."

My energy sprung out, I resumed my own form again and wore an off shoulder white Greek Goddess dress. He left. Momentarily I descended from the sky heading towards a golden tent. Many deities were present. It seemed like a celebration. He was sitting on a throne, and I made my way to him smiling thinking it was another union for him and I. Unexpectedly, I saw Radha sitting by his side.

"No! No!" I yelled then flew off quickly, and left crying on the roof.

"Go to her," she said. He headed my way; however I reached out my hand to freeze the scene and left before he broke off.

"I can be alone! I'm God!" I yelled, weeping looking at a metropolis. The love for Krishna couldn't even be translated in words. I can't describe it.

Next, I was at an open sitting with a white drawing paper on a painting board. The paper was in one piece, not separated like previous. With a black ink, I drew many big circles on each page, though they were many blank white papers left.

Then I tossed those into the air, as I strode saying, "God is who I am. What I am, all along. God is who I am. What I am, all along. God is who I am. What I am, all along. God is who I am. What I am, all along. God is who I am. What I am, all along."

It is time for me to accept this.

Later, I was on clear floor made of energy sitting alone, hurt. Vishnu showed up, though he was transparent next to my side. He turned my shoes from flip flops to silver gold sandals and made silver gold bracelets to adorn my arms. My dress was still the same, though it had black ribbon around the middle instead of white. We got up treading, until I was at a beach, alone. Krishna was nowhere nearby.

Not too long I was on Earth seeing couples hugging and kissing, instantly reminded of the love with Krishna. Missing deeply, I cried. Now I was by myself, not knowing where to go. The places I had been to weren't the same. Then I was myself at the beach. However, this time I decided to take off my clothes, only golden energy emitted. Unexpectedly, the Gods appeared, watching in the sky surpassing the clouds, yet there was no thought of it, so I kept on.

"Krishna's wife is showing all of herself," said one of the Gods. Abruptly Krishna came, swept me away and putting a white sheet over my bare body. He took me to the room where we were.

"Let's not do that again," he said.

"Why?" I asked, he didn't answer. He sat on the bed quiet.

"You're the only God for me. There's no other God except you."

I went to lie on his chest to sleep.

It's time for me to face Radha.

In the morning, I thought about putting the 'jealousy' emotion away, but couldn't with a realization that any emotion was beautiful. There would be nothing if there were no emotions. It would be no fun. Emotions were part of my being-ness. It seemed Quan Yin was right, "Emotions are beautiful."

### Chapter 64

The next day, my energy turned not for certain what to do or how to be with this. So, I was in my room, sitting and being with it, then deciding to share my recent journal with others, to groups I joined through social media. As I did this, different energies churned and swirled inside adding to what was there. It became overwhelming; I rubbed my chest to find relief. In the quiet evening, I jogged, despite it wasn't easy to share myself, but it was nice to let go regardless of my nervousness.

For a couple of days, I didn't meditate allowing myself to pay attention and be with the immense energy persisted. However, I was on social media socializing with friends, and exploring different online groups, mostly Hindu, anything about Krishna since I was truly in love. Sometimes visions of him meditating emerged, although I didn't go into meditation to find out what was going on. A few days later, I missed him. A song played on radio provoked me to sob, unable to decipher how completely I loved this God. So, I let myself cry.

He was still in meditation, so I went inside him. It was though I was walking in an empty room with light shining; however, the younger Krishna flew to my side. In front of us were treasure chests. A couple of them I unlocked held all sorts of beautiful jewelry, gold, silver, diamonds and more. A pair of golden sandals with golden flowers with two straps was what I selected to wear. He and I entered into a room. He sat like he was tired meanwhile I was in front of him observing. He breathed hard, as if he was about to die. This shook my whole, like sharp blades stabbing my core, I cried for him.

"Krishna! Krishna!"

He seemed to suffer, shaking so I hugged him and letting him know how deep my love was for him, as I would do anything.

"I died for you! I died for you to be with you completely!" I shouted.

This aided my comprehension the death of 'I' was to be with this immeasurable love. That I sacrificed myself, going through innumerable deaths, burned in countless flames and fires, and enduring immense pains of peeling off conditions, desires, and perceptions was to be this unimaginable, ultimate pure love – uniting with Krishna. God. Self.

He gradually gotten better; however, the meditation scene changed. I was in front of adult Krishna who was in meditation. Uncertain how to get him to open his eyes, I embraced him, confessing how bottomless my love was for him.

"I died for you! I died for you!" Again, I screamed.

He didn't open his eyes, so I lay on the floor sobbing.

"I will do anything, my love," I said weeping and rolling. "Anything. Anything at all."

Slowly, he opened his eyes then leaned over me.

"I miss you."

We kissed and made love then we walked somewhere. Abruptly, I was with younger Krishna. He was with porcelain skin in the white, airy clouds talking to someone far. I watched.

"I couldn't leave her. I have to be with her eternally," he said.

He headed my way, afterwards. The love was getting much deeper even more than it had been. It was to where I'd sacrifice endlessly, facing whatever I needed and letting go again and again to be with him completely. The next day I didn't meditate, in spite a vision of Krishna emerged asking to go in silence with him.

"I will, my love. Give me time," I said a bit afraid, holding back.

For a couple of days of no meditation, I was ready to be completely with him, with all of me. Everything and anything within was ready. The song I liked played on the radio often and my heart dropped, missing and wanting to be with him immensely. The energy inside didn't dissipate, churning and I'd go for a drive in outskirts of the city listening to music, unsure how to be with it entirely.

Close to bedtime, I meditated. I was with younger Krishna with porcelain skin filling water into round bowls in the area where we were above the clouds, with clear light in an open sky. We rested; he ate an apple then we shared, nonetheless I wasn't definite if the apple was green, the one I ate last time was red.

"I love you with all of me," I said looking at him, until older Krishna showed in the air, wearing golden outfit with reflections of golden gleaming light.

"Ready to be with him completely?" he asked.

In my dreams not long ago, I saw myself growing old with Krishna. Doubtlessly, this was another step forward into the unknown. Despite I was a bit afraid to be in complete and absolute silence, I was going to do it. After all, the love for him at this point couldn't be defined in word or language. It had taken my whole deeply, where I was this love itself, inside and out.

Then I was with older Krishna walking and holding hands, until I was inside a tank of boiling hot water. It seemed I was ending myself, letting go even more. He was touched witnessing my sacrifice, and in a shape I never had seen him. He fell on his knees calling my name. Once my physical form melted, I walked toward him transparent, in a white dress and a white flower crown on my head. I lifted him, informing of my undying love, where I would do anything and go through high or low, to be united with him absolutely.

"I will die over and over for you until there's nothing left in me. Until there's no me, but only you, my pure love," I said.

He hugged me, yet he seemed to be hurt near death.

"Krishna! Krishna! God! God!" I screamed.

He faded. I sat momentarily, letting him go. Then I got up treading. I was clear, light and see-through.

"She's completely pure. Our wife," Vishnu said to Krishna. They watched in midair.

"My wife," said Krishna.

"Our wife," said Vishnu.

"My wife," said Krishna.

It seemed I was in the middle of the two loves again, even though Krishna was who I had been with, for a very long time now. Vishnu came, standing directly, but there was nothing between us, this time.

"I want to be with Krishna," I said. He vanished. Krishna arrived, grabbed my waist and flew us up.

"I will do anything to be with you completely until there's nothing left of me, but you. The purest, absolute love," I said.

A golden chariot came by to take us. We sat in a small seat, whereas I put my head on his shoulder and couldn't fathom how I come to love so deeply, that this boundless and untainted love was now my soul. We dressed in fine garments, as if we were having another union. I wore a red sari with gold and nice jewelry on my nose, hair, arms, and fingers. He gave a flute with gold designs on it, bigger than previous with purple ruby on some parts, as a wedding gift. My wedding present to him was also a golden flute, but with less decoration.

"You're the best husband I could ever ask for," I said observing the musical tool.

"My pure love," he said. "You have so much strength, pure strength."

The flute with decorations was a symbolic of this strength, what I endured in the last weeks. We gazed at each other and kissed. He made the seat bigger to create room, so we were intimate. Even Krishna's touch, kiss, and everything with him became deeply indescribable, where I completely melted; dissolving in it. There wasn't anything else. You could say I was truly, blindly, unconditionally, and deeply in love I worshipped him, which I myself couldn't grasp how this love led my whole to surrender all, breaking any walls where there was no "I", but this utter, bottomless love.

"You're with me eternally. Never part again," he said.

We rode, and images of him appeared over soft, puffy clouds wearing the golden attire he wore with Arjuna. The golden, untouched light glistened far and wide.

"Krishna's consciousness?" I asked.

"Ours," he replied. "Husband and wife are one and the same."

Transparent images of myself appeared standing next to him over the sky.

"Can we rest here before we move on?" I asked. He turned the seat into a bed, where we could sleep.

During the day, the energy was no different, which I couldn't truly elaborate precisely in depth. At the same time, it was ungraspable that I could love so truly, so deeply and so completely like this. This love itself was all there was. In spite it was this way for some time, but lately, this deep affection had intensified, became increasingly stronger.

For a few days or about a week, I distracted myself by being on social media regularly. Without question, it was my fear to step forward with Krishna, even though he was all that I breathed, my oxygen, my air. In one of the groups, someone had posted about how many wives he had and who his love was. I became jealous.

"No! No! I can't believe it! I better ask and then get mad at him," I said.

Despite he had been my guide, and now the beloved husband; I had minimal to no knowledge of him. A decade ago, I read one page of Bhagavad Gita at a book store and heard his name through a client once, as well as from what Sean had shared, which wasn't much.

Then I started watching a movie, the main character's name was Krishna, so I turned the show off, and closed my eyes for meditation.

Immediately I was on soft clouds, the one where his images in gold outfit with radiant golden light shining, filling the atmosphere. It became our home. His younger self was there, though he was unmoved. At loss with what to do, I treaded carrying a child's briefcase that appeared in my hand. A couple little things were in it, but forgotten what they were.

"I can't forget her. We can never forget her," Vishnu said from somewhere.

"She's with me completely," said Krishna. He paused then remarked, "My greatest weakness."

Vishnu showed up in light sky, informing they had to go somewhere, leaving me to be by myself. Krishna was soft looking my way, though Vishnu reminded him that he needed to let me be so I could get stronger. Krishna descended to tell he'd be gone for short time.

"You'll long for me," he said.

"I always long for you never stop," I told him.

He left. By myself, I sketched a heart with an arrow through it deeply missing him like I could cry. Continually I drew similar things, and at times, I wrote, 'I love La Kingsavanh so truly, so deeply and so completely.' Then, I made a big golden heart display in the air, with a golden arrow going through. Krishna made the same one, when he saw mine.

Upon his returned, we made love and married again. With this ceremony, I put silver mixed with gold wedding band on his finger. He made the same one for me.

"You're the only love in me," I said.

"My true love," he said. "Everything I have is yours. All of me, you have all of me."

He gave a pouch full of gemstones. A few seconds of observing, I placed back the stones, but he took one out and put it in my mouth. So, I swallowed the stone. It turned into purple energy. He put another one in. This time, it glowed. He kept the rest.

"Is that a wedding gift?" I asked, wanted to ask for more but hesitated.

"Yes, my love. It's all yours," he responded.

We spent some time together, I wrote, 'I love Krishna' then gave it to him. He wrote something on a clean paper then gave it. It read 'La'. So, I penned, 'I love La'. He smiled.

"If you want to go hang with Vishnu, I can be alone. It's okay," I informed.

Quan Yin visited when no one was around. Even though I hadn't seen my dear friend for some time, yet all I did was talk about missing Krishna.

"Go be with him," she suggested.

"He's with Vishnu, so I can be with myself," I shared. Krishna also had hard time being away, too.

She left. I strolled the abode in a white dress, with white flower head crown on my head; however, when I glanced at the flawless sky, and saw Radha with Krishna. My heart broke, ached intensely and instantly. I began to cry. Even realizing she was myself, yet couldn't completely accept her. My inside shattered witnessing him with her. He saw my pain, he shed a tear. Abruptly I took the ring off my finger, throwing the round band his way. He caught it and kept it. He flew to where I was, hugging from my back.

"There's only you, my love. There's only you. My one and only love," he consoled, realizing he was helping facing my jealousy even though I couldn't at the moment. Then I sought Radha, needing to face her.

As I arrived, my clothes started to resemble hers. My outfit turned into exquisite blue sari mixed with gold and nice jewelry adorned on my body. My face began to look similar to hers, but not quite. It could be because I wasn't fully ready to accept Radha as myself completely, but my hair and the rest were identical. When I walked, she walked. When I smiled, she smiled though shortly I changed back to myself.

The Divine God appeared, embracing me.

"My only love is you, La Kingsavanh," he said.

He placed the wedding ring back on my finger then he left to see Vishnu. Ganesh stopped by to spend time. Before that, I made an effort to take myself higher although ended in the places I had been. At times I thought I was somewhere else but it looked similar so I returned. It seemed I couldn't take myself higher, without Krishna, Vishnu or Brahma. Krishna's Universal form showed and golden rays reflecting where we stayed.

Excited to see Ganesh, I ran to hug the God of wealth and the remover of obstacles. We walked, talked and laughed. We played ball. He kicked the ball at God's speed, though I caught it effortlessly. We played until Krishna arrived.

"Want to play with us?" I asked.

I stopped to hug him, but we ended up kissing passionately. Ganesh left. However, Krishna went back to Vishnu; I was alone again strolling with a briefcase, until an airplane landed. I boarded it. The plane ascended, going through soft white clouds then it stopped. Up in the air was a big, purest white horse like I had never seen, so I flew to ride on the magnificent creature. Admiring its majestic beauty as I rode in the sky, then watched it glided through the limitless atmosphere.

### Chapter 65

A black helicopter descended. It was Brahma. He didn't take form - he was clear, formless.

"Let's go higher. As high as we can," he said.

So, I boarded it, and saw a brown leather briefcase. The case contained pictures I sketched, of hearts with arrows going through them. In the midst of sorting the piles, the pictures gradually faded, only blank papers were remained.

"I miss Krishna so deeply, so truly and so completely," I said.

Brahma didn't utter anything so I carried on, "I love him so immeasurably, so bottomless, and so indescribably."

Any of my muscles, blood, DNA, veins, skin, hair, nail, and breath was this love of Krishna and with Krishna. All of who I was, my entirety - being and non-being was this love itself. It was to the extent, I'd undergo nearly life and death transformations again, to be with him without beginning or ending, eternally.

"I took a break and have been in social media daily. I'm ready to go at it again," I shared.

"You distracted yourself in all sorts of ways," Brahma added.

"Can you tell Krishna how much I love him?" I said.

"Tell your husband yourself," he said. Krishna's elbow showed on a passenger seat, I smiled.

"Can you tell him that he's the only God for me? My God of all God?" I said, amused inside. He turned around and came to sit by my side, though he showed up as younger Krishna in his mid-twenties, with blue skin and a peacock feather on his hair, and a hairband wrapped around it, completely handsome.

"I miss you," I said.

"I miss you, my Goddess," he said.

"I love you. You are inside me so deeply, so truly and so completely, Krishna. There's no me. There's only you in me, my eternal love," I expressed.

"There's only you in me completely, La Kingsavanh. We are husband and wife. One another. Union. One. No difference," he said.

We continued kissing then made love, he said touching my face: "Supersoul."

We made love again.

"I want you to make love to me in every way: physically, mentally, spiritually," I said then paused because remembrance came.

Was this why there's a physical world and so many countless, endless love making styles and expressions because of this Love?

"I do eternally," he replied amidst the helicopter ascending. Shortly, we landed.

"You guys have to get a room somewhere else," Brahma said.

I stopped meditating to help Santi get dress. The energy turned, wanting to be left alone and had short fuse with him, although things had subsided just a bit. Yet, the love with Krishna delved utterly deeper. Every songs played on the radio were about him and I, even though it had been for a while and now even more so.

Am I even a soul at this point? Supersoul. An arrow through a heart. What the heck do they mean?

Although there wasn't any knowledge of what "Supersoul" meant at the time and read about it later, but truly didn't know what it was, but understood it; however, until I was this myself in all ways, then I would truly realize and remember. Then, I tried to find more understanding what arrow through heart was.

Later at night after I fell asleep then woke up to use the restroom, I wasn't able to fall back to rest. I meditated and found myself with Krishna gazing at each other, kissing and making love. The love took every part of my inner and outer, that my whole only was of this unyielding love. All I could do was dissolve in it, though the energy of it was overwhelming, flowing through, as I could only cry, burying myself in pure and absolute affection.

"How did I even get here? To be with you? To have your love so deeply and so completely, Krishna? The God Krishna."

"How did I even get to you? To be with you, my complete love?" he asked glancing at me lovingly.

Even at this point, this depthless love was undeniably incomprehensible. If I was going to be in complete and absolute _silence_ because of it; I would go for it, and wouldn't be too afraid. The helicopter got ready to take off. Absolute and pure love overcame completely, paralyzing my entirety in every way made walking nearly impossible, it weakened and absorbing all of me. He picked me up, walking towards the helicopter, whereas I put my head on his shoulder, dying and fading into him. Nothing existed, besides this unfathomable and undeniable love.

"Your wife doesn't feet? She can't walk, Krishna?" Brahma asked when he saw us. Unsure of Krishna's reply, but Brahma went on, "You carry your wife everywhere?"

Brahma took form, as another Indian man, taller with short mustache and wearing pilot sun glasses, with a white shirt and light brown slacks. He was smoking. Inside the aircraft, Krishna and I kissed and about to be intimate.

"He's going to tell us to get a room again," I said smiling. We ascended just little above ground, a black rope held the helicopter back.

"What the heck?" I said. The helicopter wobbled.

"Something is holding your wife back," Brahma said to Krishna.

What the heck is it? Jealousy? No, that's not it.

The chopper descended from midair.

"I will take you up," Krishna said.

"Yes! Just let your husband take you up! No need for me or the helicopter!" Brahma yelled watching Krishna and I, facing each other holding hands flying upward.

We stopped briefly, but now Krishna was smoking, inhaling the smoke and breathing it out through his nose. I took the cigarette from his mouth then stepped on it.

Did he get it from Brahma?

We entered into a tranquil wooded place, full of big green lush trees and a couple of stone paths down little hill and up the hill. Buddha sat in meditation pose under the tree in the air, in yellow saffron, with his black hair in a bun.

"Lord Buddha," I said making a small bow. Krishna and I soared to our own area. In the air, we lay around kissing and telling each other how much we loved one another.

"Buddha will tell us to get a room," I said; we were about to make love, although we made out a bit longer. "I need to go see Buddha."

Krishna and I were inseparable and made love very often. It was truly hard to leave his side even for just seconds. He informed he brought me there to know more compassion or understand it more, I wasn't exactly sure.

Immediately heading down the slope, Buddha took out a bow and an arrow to shoot at a bird in the sky.

"No!" I yelled and instantly flew right in front of the bird pushing the arrow away.

He did again. And I soared in front of the gray feathered, got hit by the arrow on my back. The bird flew away unharmed. Then, he shot at least five at once. This time, I shot up with my arms extending to block the arrows from hitting the bird, meanwhile all the arrows hit my back, one by one. The bird sailed off free.

"Sacrificing oneself for other sentiment beings," said Buddha, as I was on my knees, pulling off the pointy weapons.

A little brown deer was in vicinity eating grass, he aimed the arrow at it. Immediately, I dove in front of the deer. The arrow hit my chest, and I was really hurt this time. The sharp edge thing shot pretty deep into my flesh. Quickly, I pulled it off, with my eyes closed.

"Ouch!" I yelled rolling down the hill wounded lying on one arm at the bottom. I saw the deer by itself, hurting from the fall. Despite I was injured, not wanting to get up, or had any desire to help, as I was in severe pain. Gently, I lifted myself walking slowly and unsteadily, making minor steps toward the deer, and bringing it to a little wooden porch with one arm while the arm was over my chest. To care for its wound, I healed its leg. Krishna watched, as well as playing his flute in the air.

"What about you?" the deer asked. Its questioned suddenly moved me since I didn't even think about my own wound. No thoughts were behind it. My sole focus was on the deer's wellbeing.

"Don't worry about me. I'm okay," and continued healing its leg with one hand although it wasn't getting up to walk just yet, but its injured leg moved just a little, so I paused for a bit to let the deer recover remembering Vishnu and Krishna's words: 'Give it a little time.'

Briefly I attended my injury though watching the creature's leg to see if it was recovering. However, the little fella was unmoving. Then I looked at its leg carefully, noticing the bone broke, unaligned through its skin. So I connected the bones, then placed my hand on them. My golden energy circulated the broken bones. The brown animal got up, gradually treading before it was okay again.

"There you go," I said watching it walking away, then placed my hand on my own chest to heal my pain.

"Your wife has compassion, Krishna," said Buddha.

"Show her more," Krishna suggested.

Buddha asked to go to the ocean with him, I followed. He dipped his finger into water, turning it green to pollute it. There were dead algae.

"Fresh water," I said, dipping my finger in, but it didn't turn. The water was still polluted, so I dove down to see if the fish was okay. For now, everything was fine, though pollution was going to reach the sea creatures soon.

Purest thought. Fresh water. This didn't do anything. I need my tears but I can't cry right now. My tears can purify it.

I sat in meditation calmly; the water was back to normal, although it was dissolving into dry land quickly. Not wanting the fish to die, I gathered all of them in a bucket, then made water reappear, before releasing the fish back. Nonetheless, the water dried up.

Water! There was some water, then there was none.

What the heck? Rain!

Standing there waiting for the rain, it didn't come. So I yelled, "Water!"

It looked like there was water, but it was only air, similar to water.

"Rain!" I shouted and waited. Buddha tossed bundles of fish inside the net onto the ground.

"Rain!" I yelled. No rain, though the sun shone.

"I said rain, not sun!"

"Water!" I shouted, getting frustrated.

Water emerged. I released groups of fish from the net, but not fast enough, so I made a couple of versions of myself come by to help out. They helped, though the water dissolved speedily. Buddha sat in midair watching, while Krishna was on a tree limb observing and looking at his flute. Shiva appeared.

"We can't destroy it. We just can't!" I told him.

"Water!" I shouted. Water emerged, and it was gone in a flash.

"Krishna!" I yelled, wanting to ask for his help. He sat calmly.

"This is for maintaining," I remarked. Vishnu arrived holding a small bottle of my tears he collected.

"Purify the water with it," I suggested.

He walked towards the ocean, knelt down and said, "There needs to be water for me to pour this in."

"Krishna! Help!" I finally asked.

My frustration increased. Despite what I did, nothing worked. He didn't come immediately, so I screamed again, "Rain! Rain! Just rain! Come on!"

The rain never poured.

"Water!" Water reappeared just for a blink, it soon dissolved. Krishna came, not saying or do anything; the water appeared and stayed. The fish was happy.

"You have to believe it. Mean it," he said.

He made a bed in midair. It might be late, but I couldn't sleep lying inside his arms. We made love before going to bed; nevertheless I was restless, tossing and turning.

"Give it a rest," he suggested.

Once he fell asleep, I got up to tread on sand, pondering.

Why can't I make the rain or water appear? Why? Why can't I do what he did?

Pacing for moments then I understood what he meant. It was to have complete trust with no doubts behind it, as if it was naturally inhibited in me as myself. Then, I got it: I need pure confidence, confidence that's untouched, unshaken.

Krishna woke up when I crept back to bed.

"I need to have pure confidence," I told him, despite my uncertainty of how I was going to gain it. I lay back in his arms, touched his face completely taken by the love for him. He fell back asleep. I got up, and went back out.

Maybe I can dissolve the water and make it reappear. Well, if I can't make it appear, the fish could die then I have to wake him up.

Heading back to bed, I tossed and turned. In a while, I fell asleep but woke up early and couldn't fall back to rest, reflecting on Krishna and Buddha's words. Even though I wasn't certain how I was going to get 'pure confidence', which might take time to build up; however, I understood deeper what Buddha meant by 'sacrificing myself'.

Never did I realize of its depth, by letting go and facing myself endlessly to come to utmost compassion and love that was completely, truly, and deeply pure was 'sacrificing' myself for others. It was deep in my core to share my transformations with everyone, and understood this was all a selfless act, the highest and ultimate form of love that was without conditions and attachments. That was all Buddha needed to say, in order for me grasp deeper of what I was doing. However, this wasn't truly deepening my understanding until Quan Yin, Buddha, and Krishna led me to it a few more times.

Since I was up early, I meditated. Krishna sat under a tree in meditation, in an open space on clear air. I walked toward him. Truly and deeply, and unimaginably how I could come to love so indescribably, so profoundly from the depth of my very being that this powerful love was now myself. In spite of the overwhelming energy of this untouched affection, that at times I was at loss how to handle its strength, but the more I accepted it and allowing it to be, the better it was.

I arrived and sat next to him. Even being very close, but not close enough, like I couldn't get enough, despite all that was in myself was he. It was as if I had to be in him as Krishna together eternally and couldn't be apart. Then, I sat as the Divine God.

Shortly, I was inside myself opening a door leading to an all-white room.

"Take yourself up!" he said.

Stairs surfaced, I climbed up them. He came holding my hands. We continued going and entered into a pure, white kitchen. He left. The room was purest, porcelain that my eyes were sensitive to this extreme whiteness and had to close them a couple of times. There were drawers, a sink, counter, stove and so on, as well as a little round, spiral spinning thing. After browsing, unsure what he was showing about myself, so I asked: "What's all this mean? What's all this about?"

"Pure conscious," he answered.

Pure conscious.

I went through the ceiling, and finding myself walking towards him. He sat on a throne or chair far away. The walking became impossible again. The love turned utterly overwhelming, taking over as if I was only this love, for this love, of this love and in this love with God. I dropped on my knees, then prostrating on the floor unable to move. This God love was immeasurable, ungraspable, and bottomless for him, of him and with him and nothing else existed, besides this unspeakable and absolute love itself. Any senses, desires, thoughts, conditions or attachments didn't exist at all, except this utterly, purest love.

Slowly I crawled, gathered any muscles, moving his direction gradually with my elbows, before lying on my back and facing the sky completely head over heels, insanely engulf by this infinite affection. Words or language couldn't possibly transcribe it, at all. Not giving up, I kept crawling. The Gods and Goddesses showed in the clouds watching me making my way slowly like snail.

"My love, you're with me eternally. You're the only true love for me," he said once finally reached him, still flat on the floor.

He lifted me, and flew us up shouting, "My one and only wife!"

It was another union in front of the Gods. The announcement brought a smile.

Elsewhere, Krishna smoked heavily, so I hid his cigarettes. He drank and did drugs. Nonetheless, my love for him was unchanging; it had no beginning or ending. He became very gaunt; I wasn't precisely certain how to help although understood immediately what he was doing. This was his choice to die. Near his last breath, he asked me to let him go.

"I can't. I just can't. I don't know how. I don't know how," I said crying and shaking all over.

At this point, it was incomprehensible being without him, as if I myself would die with him. My inside was torn apart, scattering into pieces witnessing his death, as I myself slowly faded away with him. He told me to go to the adult Krishna once he left. Now I understood even more.

"I just can't leave. I can't let you go, Krishna!" I screamed.

He left his form. At the countryside, I burnt his corpse and took his ashes to toss into the water. Later, I sat under the tree playing the flute observing the streams, feeling down. The adult Krishna showed up dressed in gold outfit, and sat next to my side. It didn't matter if he was adult or younger Krishna; I loved both indistinguishably and blindly.

"We will make love any way you like. We will do whatever you want, my love. Whatever you want," he said trying to cheer me.

We returned to our abode now facing the pond on the left side, I said while leaning on him: "Let's have a family."

"We will have a family. If you want to have a family, we will have a family, my love," he replied.

"I want four kids," I shared.

"Four?" he asked and was quiet, like he needed to clear his throat.

"Yes. We can ask Ganesh, Hanuman and even Brahma to help out," I said if having four would be too much for us to take care.

"If you want four, we'll have four," he answered momentarily, I beamed. We made love.

Later, he was informed about my desire to visit to Quan Yin.

Close to the peak of a mountain, she was watching rotating silver with some gold quarter-size balls on three level trays. They shimmered.

Wow!

The atmosphere was dark, only light shining on one spot. The mountain was gray black. Nothing seemed to be below it, possibly a valley I can't precisely remember. Even though, I haven't seen Quan Yin for some time because Krishna and I had been inseparable, yet all I did was talk of him. My whole entire system contained only him: my breath, my air, my life, and my death.

"He's a good husband," she commented.

"Yes," I agreed smiling.

She gave one of the silver golden balls, and I ate it. Energy sprung inside.

"What's that?" I asked.

"God," she replied.

God?

She flew to the top of the mountain, I followed.

"You have reached the highest peak of a Goddess," she shared.

I wasn't sure what she truly referred to at the time; however, I didn't ask though soon I understood it. We then found ourselves at a swimming pool in modern days instead of a pond in a garden of Goddess, on a hill looking at the ocean with houses facing it. The pool held nothing except water. We splashed, with our feet.

"Put more into it!" she said. I stood up examining the pool.

Maybe lounging chairs; diving boards.

Then I put holes in the pool, and made the water shoot, reaching high. Observing the blue ocean, I raised the water from the middle of the sea, shooting into the sky. Similarly, the yards and sidewalks, I caused the water to sprout nearly touching heavens. Krishna appeared in midair and so was Brahma, I grinned. The younger Krishna showed transparent; I soared to hug him, though he vanished.

"You really take things to a new level," Quan Yin complimented, while I beamed glancing at Krishna.

Later, I returned to the pond, approaching the Divine God. He played catch with Ganesh and the kids. Already, we had four children. Ganesh was helping with babysitting and was playing in the pond with them. Once more, I collapsed on the floor. This love which couldn't be measured infiltrated my inside so deeply. How could I even explain this in words? Krishna looked at me in the midst of tossing the ball to Ganesh. It was to the point I couldn't get enough of this love. It was incalculable and endless. He walked to lie by my side, then lifted me on top of him. We gazed at each other and kissed.

"Let's go somewhere else, kids," said Ganesh.

"You're the greatest love of my life," I said. "There's no way to describe my love for you. There are no words, Krishna. You're my eternal truth."

"You're my eternal truth," he replied. "My one true love. My one and only love."

Santi woke up; I opened my eyes, head over heels in love. This affection took a turning point, unspeakably stronger each time. Santi watched his television shows, I brewed coffee downstairs and listening to music longing for Krishna. Following dropping Santi to class, I returned home not precisely know what to do with this love inside that it hurt, aching as if I couldn't do anything else. The whole two hours until picking Santi, I stayed in my room completely love sick.

I'm so freaking in love! I'm so freaking in love. I can't believe it.

It was though I had never been in love like this, where I was sick in love. It absorbed my core, utterly in every way possible. He was right, I'd be longing for him, and I was \- minute in and minute out. It turned extremely intense, that being in love was absolute painful, that I could go insane because of it. Lying in bed, curling up and burning in absolute love, at any moment, it seemed I could really go crazy. If Krishna wanted me to be in complete silence, I would no matter how overpowering the love could be, and no matter how afraid I was of it. This time, I was going for it.

Being among people, I remembered more and more. This union could only continue, not stopping because love was too powerful, immeasurable. It couldn't stop. It had to be expressed, lived, and enjoyed in all possible and endless ways.

With what was happening inside, I hardly had relationships outside except with Santi. Approximately 2 in the morning subsequently using the restroom and unable to fall asleep, I shut my eyes for meditation, and found myself being intimate with Krishna. The kids were asleep. However, the younger version Krishna that led Arjuna to battle appeared in golden garment. He, too, came and made love to me; the older Krishna vanished.

Suddenly I was at the battle camping ground with him, inside the tent, at night. The soldiers were in their tents, and most walked around. He did something which engrossed his attention. I stood watching. He became deeply consumed by it that it didn't really matter too much if I was there. So, I left to the beach. Someone informed him of my absence, as he subjected himself with what he was doing. He searched for me later.

"Don't ever leave my side! You're my wife! My God! My Goddess!" he shouted, heading my way.

He flew me down to the sand. We kissed then made love, but he was fading at the same time. This only meant he, too, was leaving so I could be with the adult Krishna completely. Up in the air transparent and watching me.

"Supersoul," he said.

Supersoul.

### Chapter 66

My moments consisted of missing and longing for the Divine God. All I did you could say was yearning and burning for him. At times, I was elated, happy and cheerful because of this affection despite it was overly powerful, taking up any space inside. And at times, it became stressful.

Since every male was Krishna, I was flirtatious with them.

The next night, I fell asleep early tired from a long day then woke up when Santi came in my room. I meditated, missing Krishna. In meditation, I was on a lounging chair watching the clearest sky, with no clouds only some butterflies flying. I couldn't even explain what more, yet the scenery was deeply peaceful, serene, calming with utmost silence.

What is this?

"Eternal bliss," Lakshmi answered.

"Eternal bliss?" I said, continued observing. "Is this a dream?"

"Yes. You always dream of yourself," she answered. I turned around, and saw Lakshmi with a red sari mixed with gold and a head crown on, with beautiful jewelry, just like in the picture.

"I'm out of a dream," I said.

"You had quite a journey," she informed.

Abruptly, I was somewhere with all the butterflies in the fields full of all types of flowers flying alongside them. The only word to describe it was perfection.

Complete liberation.

The sun shone softly with its gentle golden reflection. There were all kinds of butterflies: monarch, starry night drifter, purple, black, and white ones.

Wow!

Momentarily I soared in the sky, but was taken by Goddesses to Vishnu. They lay me down on the floor by the pond surrounded by trees. Vishnu was up another level. His Universal form displayed in the atmosphere. They cut off the ropes that were tied to my arms.

"Those wings come off," he said.

"They weren't real wings?" I asked.

I ascended the stairs to him, whereas he reclined on a lounging chair. He was porcelain skin and wearing a golden crown, with gold shoes and bracelets on his arms. I sat next to him, but the sun became very bright, so I turned away curling in the chair to protect myself from its super bright rays; however, Vishnu lay there, as it was nothing.

"The Sun God," he said.

The sun was normal again, I turned around to sit looking at it; however, it became super bright swiftly. I didn't turn away, but put sun glasses on before taking them off. The Sun God switched to intense brightness, this time, I closed my eyes.

In a moment, I got up and headed elsewhere looking for Krishna, he didn't show. Next I was at the beach viewing the vast, calming ocean then dissolved it into nothing by reaching out my hand. It became air. In a moment, I made water reappear. The water stayed for a long time, so I plunged and splashed. Afterwards, I strolled along the beach collecting sea shells naked, but Krishna wasn't nearby, neither were other Gods. I put my clothes back on, uncertain how I was going to fall asleep. The waves became rough. I extended my hand to pause them, then letting them go. The water became normal.

Heading back to Lakshmi, she wasn't there, just Vishnu reclining on his chair enjoying the Sun God's radiance. My affection for the Maintainer returned suddenly, and went to where he was, leaning over to kiss him.

"I love you so blindly," he said.

His affection was moving. He would do anything and everything for me. He made a tent with gray white drapes over us. We kissed, and I was getting into us making out, thinking maybe I was back with Vishnu, and allowing myself to dissolve into this Godly affection.

"La!" I heard in just a split second. It was Krishna, sitting in midair waiting for me to come out, I didn't answer.

"La!" Yet, I continued sitting still, not answering him, without any reason at all.

"Vishnu!" he yelled.

Vishnu shot out of the tent, whereas I proceeded sitting, not responding. Krishna soon made the drapes fall, suddenly it created great panic inside. My heart raced rapidly, pounded hard like it was jumping off my chest. My palms sweated; I screamed loudly before crying, as if I was going to die.

Claustrophobic? I thought I dealt with this already.

My heart raced faster, breathing harder like I was hyperventilating.

"Krishna!" I screamed crying and crawling back and forth, as my heart beat quickly as if it was going to explode and soon I would die.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!" I cried terrified, disturbed, and shaking, I finally sat in meditation.

I'm going to die. I'm going to die.

Silently sitting unmoving, my heart settled a bit and so was my pause. Moments later, I was okay although I was in shock, as if I had just experienced death. It seemed literally I had died. There was no air to breathe inside the drapes. Then I came out from the tent formless. Krishna waited.

"My love," he said, but I sailed away from him, mad; he completely caught me off guard with his action, and what I just experienced was devastating.

Was that what is like to die?

"No!" I said, flying away even though he came after. I froze the scene, though he broke off easily and was right in front. Despite my upset, but he chasing after everywhere was somehow adorable. Vishnu told him to give some time; he didn't listen and followed nonetheless. I headed to sit on the lush tree near the beach, while he sat in midair shooting a letter through his flute my way. It was blank on an old ripped off paper he used to draw a ❤.

What the heck? Starting over?

Unsure of its significance, nonetheless didn't ask. He came to where I was, saying he missed me, so we made love. We lay relaxing then Lakshmi appeared, stood a distance from us.

"I'll be back," I said heading to see her.

"Yes?" I said. She kept looking at the drapes on ground, suggesting I needed to go face what was left of claustrophobia or something else.

"Okay. Let me," I said. She interrupted, so I didn't finish.

"There's no need to get permission from your husband."

"I was just going to let him know," I shared. "Okay, let's go."

She led to a cave and closed it without sunlight. The cave shrunk smaller, my palms sweated. Gradually, my heart started racing, though it wasn't doing much. She then put nets above my head in a different area away from the mountain, and once more my heart jumped fast as though I was going to faint; however, I sat unmoved inside; it seemed I was dying.

We headed to the drapes. She lifted them high, whereas I sat in the middle. As the drapes lowered, my heart raced incredibly fast, pounded hard like it was beating out of my chest. Feeling like I was going to literally die, departing from my form. Inside the gray covers, I wouldn't be able to breathe so I screamed, freaking out, "Oh my God! I'm going to die! Oh my God!"

It seemed my inside was being pulled out; my hands sweated and my heart jolted, beating faster and harder.

"Krishna! Krishna!" I yelled.

"I'm here, my love. Always with you," he said. Hearing his voice was calming even though I shook, fearful of dying.

"Your love helps her," Lakshmi said. They waited, watching me going through such trauma.

The drapes lowered more, covering my body where I breathed exceptionally fast, as I was leaving my form. I crawled all over, like a little mouse trying to find its way to leave. Then they completely lowered to the point there was no way to escape, so I lay on the floor letting myself go. It felt as if my soul was being pulled away from my physical, while trembling in terror, as I could see my body shrank to almost none, similar to a loaf of bread lying under a sheet. Shortly, I became completely formless, clear, nothing, unseen and invisible, just energy looking at the drape.

Krishna speeded into midair shouting, "You're the Universe!"

The energy that's behind it all! I yelled flying to him.

He turned formless, so we made love again, as the universe. Later, we went to the kitchen that was completely white. He made a bed. We lay leisurely temporary until we played pillow fight. The pillows ripped and feathers scattered everywhere. Once we were tired, we ventured elsewhere. He created a cozy bed with a white sheet, I fell asleep.

### Chapter 67

Santi was awake then woke me up. He watched his morning cartoon, and I lay in my bed quiet, somewhat sad and low. Eventually, I headed downstairs to make coffee and looked outside. It had been raining for a bit where we lived, so I had to exercise in the basement later. Once finished with my exercises, I went upstairs to brush my teeth, showered and changed into clean clothes, before going on social media. I responded to my posts, and chatted with friends. The experiences I underwent in meditation lessened my fear of dying that now you could say I'd experienced it. Although it was terrifying at the time, it became liberation.

In the middle of making comments to posts, a vision of Krishna surfaced.

"Do you long for me?" he asked.

Immediately I put away the IPad, closed my eyes, and walked toward him standing above the clouds.

"I always long and yearn for you indescribably! I took many lives, went through many deaths because of this longing for you! This love for you! I'm here now! I have come back! I have come! I have come to this union again! I have come!" I shouted with my arms wide open. When I got closer, I kissed him; he faded.

"I have come!" I kept walking, and shouting.

Then I flew incredibly high witnessing Buddha statues, far and wide. The ones with open palms, I gave high fives.

"My eternal beloved, Buddha!"

Shortly, I sighted a Buddhist temple made of brown carved woods somewhere in an open, I made my way to it.

"I have come! I have arrived! I have returned! I have arrived! I have come to me, to Self! I'm limitless!" I yelled standing in front of the temple's porch.

Again, I shot up over white thin clouds then dropped face down and laughed.

"I'm limitless, but thought I was limited. I never was!"

The Gods and Goddesses stood on each side observing my laugh, kicking my feet and banging my fists.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!" I said.

"She had a long journey," Lakshmi commented.

I got up, soaring very high and came into energy similar to a tunnel, with Tibetan prayer bells on both sides neatly designed in gold, with possibly dark blue color mixed with it. I ran along with both hands touching them all. It was quite long, running, and touching those bells until I entered into a dim room with lights shone through. The room made of brown wood was neatly designed, so was the ceiling. Although there was no glimpse of light, I soared through it and landed on top of the world and then sat on it. All was empty air, nothing else. Buddha showed up, with a candle on a small cupcake.

"Lord Buddha," I said. He's me.

"Lord Buddha," he said, handing over the cupcake. "Last one to blow."

He left. I blew out the candle.

"It is done! I arrived! I made it!" Aum.

Sitting for a bit, I laughed holding my belly saying: "I can't believe it! I can't believe it!"

Then I rolled on the floor, holding my stomach before lying on my front kicking, and banging my fists. I kept on laughing that the whole universe became the sound of my laughter.

"There is no one here except me, all along. I can't believe it. I can't believe it!"

It was though I sat where I was the entire time, and never went anywhere, making it all up.

"I love myself. I love myself so deeply, so truly and so completely."

Continuing with the laughter with my hand covering my mouth and holding my belly with the other hand, I strolled somewhere on cottony clouds with just light, pulling a briefcase that appeared in my hand. A black train arrived during my laughter.

"Going on a journey?" It asked.

"Going on a journey?" I repeated the question chuckling.

"Where do you want to go?" It continued.

"Where do I want to go?" I repeated then covered my mouth, couldn't answer.

"Nowhere," I finally answered laughing. "Going nowhere."

I pointed for the train where to drop me off. "There's nowhere to go. All is me. I'm here to stay. I'm staying here."

The train let me out where I was previous. Once again, I got off covering my mouth then prostrating on the floor kicking and banging my fists. Then, I opened the briefcase. It was empty.

"Oh my God! What a trip! What a trip!"

I was back by the pond, with nothing this time. No swans, trees or Krishna.

"I give myself everything. Anything."

Soaking my feet, I laughed holding my stomach.

"Krishna!" I said then chuckled. He walked my way, but in the form of myself coming to sit on my left.

"You?" I said looking at myself and hysterically laughed rolling and kicking.

"Want to go on another journey?" she asked, but this time I didn't respond, too busy.

"Want to manifest other Gods and Goddesses?"

"Sure. Sure. Manifest," I said covering my mouth and then busted out with huge laughter.

The Gods and Goddesses appeared standing in midair observing me pounding my fists and kicking my feet. Shortly, they all vanished. By myself, I went at it. Since Krishna was inside my system so completely, I searched for him. He was in the forest sitting on a tree limb, in porcelain skin, in his mid-twenties. Men walked around, as he sat watching and rolling his flute.

"Let's go," I said, with hand over my mouth giggling.

"Where?" he asked, it took a moment before I could reply, not able to stop chuckling once I began.

"Follow me," I remarked.

Soon, I saw myself walking toward the abode. Krishna was already there sitting in meditation pose, although he was the adult in gold outfit. He made a white tent appear. We were about to kiss when I came, but I laughed rolling on his lap, holding my stomach covering my mouth. He sat there, not one way or another about it.

"Do you want to go on another journey," he asked.

Undoubtedly, I repeated the question chuckling. Momentarily, I stood and walked into the tent to open a glass cabinet.

I need armors: emotions, mind. There was no more desire, so I paused. I was done.

"No. I will move through all realms freely. If I need armor, I will put it on and put it away when done," I replied placing one hand over my mouth.

Ganesh appeared in the air with black and white Aum symbol on his chest. The entire atmosphere became symbols of Aum: the pond, sky and so on. I stopped laughing, happy to see Ganesh.

"We are going shopping. Manifest a mall," I said to Krishna.

Ganesh and I were inside a mall in modern time shopping. He had a few bags: black, white, red on his hands. We walked out of the building. A white, mid-sized airplane parked in front of us. Shortly I laughed, dropping on the floor. Ganesh yelled for Krishna.

"Come and get your wife!"

Krishna came, picked me up, and carried me into the plane. I stopped for a bit. There were other passengers on board. Ganesh sat on opposite side of the aisle. I sat facing Krishna on his lap.

"What you got in the bags?" I asked Ganesh. He opened one of them, pulling out a big diamond necklace with red sapphire in it. My eyes opened wide seeing it because I was about to laugh.

"Is it real?" I questioned then busted out in full laughter, with two hands on my mouth. "Is it even real?"

I fell off of Krishna's lap onto the floor kicking my feet and pounded my fists, then rolled.

"It's beautiful," Ganesh said. People on the plane turned around to watch.

"Leave her be," Krishna said. They all turned back.

"Your wife laughs a lot," Ganesh commented.

"It's about time she does," Krishna responded.

Krishna and I were back to our pond. I came out of meditation smiling, wanting to giggle. "Oh my God; I can't believe it."

A month later, it wasn't much different except there was no rolling on the floor chuckling, although many things were non-serious. For instance, I would laugh if something instantly emerged, or would turn it into jokes. Whether I was in line at grocery stores, bathrooms, home by myself or while listening to music in the car, what people said or whatever. I laughed.

During the day, it seemed as if things were back together, I was more peaceful and relaxed. A vision of Krishna and I kissed passionately then made love appeared. So, I headed to my room.

"I'm happy you're home," he said.

"Me too," I responded. It seemed now there was only complete love with us, peaceful and serene.

"I love you," I told him.

"And I love you," he said.

Momentarily, the meditation scene switched. I was in a forest peering into a hole. A little girl about ten or eleven years old with blonde braided hair was combing her doll. She wore a maroon sweater and skirt. The hole was made of piles of twigs and grass, no different than a rabbit hole.

"Come out and play," I said reaching my hand to support her into the open. I took the little one to the pond. We soaked our feet, and I combed her hair. She was like a daughter. Krishna showed up. The little girl faded.

"Everyone is you," he said. Images of myself displayed everywhere in the sky, standing in Universal form.

"Be with me. Stay with me," I told him leading on his shoulder.

"Always. I never left, my love," he said.

At night after using the restroom, I looked for Krishna since he wasn't anywhere. Across the universe; I called for him, but he didn't show. Following the laughter, I was back into this complete love with him again where being separated from this God was next to impossible. He was the soul of my soul, my very own true soul, completely close as one another. Brahma was right, he was my twin soul or twin flame; my eternal love, one I couldn't be without. After a long time of trying to find him, he stood inside of a big medieval building with light shining in the dim room. He held his flute in gold garments.

We flew into the universe, kissed and made love. Now there were no words to express my affection to him. The only thing I could offer was my silence. I lay quietly realizing I had become this silence itself. This was the only love inside: absolute, pure, untouched, and immeasurable, no words or language could conceivably translate.

Waking up again in the middle of the night, I wasn't able to go back to rest despite trying on my own. Same as before, Krishna wasn't close by no matter where I searched. Similarly I yelled throughout the universe, he was nowhere. Tears fell down my face, as I shouted in the midst of trying to find him, missing and loving him, without beginning or ending. Shortly I heard Vishnu telling him to go see me. They were in semi dark air. Up in the clouds in tears, I was without form watching them. If I was to go to Krishna, he would vanish since he didn't want to be found. He stood next to his golden throne, with his back my way.

"She's your wife. Your God. Your Goddess, Krishna!" Vishnu said. "The throne is empty without her."

Again, I must've fallen asleep. Santi woke up, I felt distraught and fatigued. As the morning progressed, while Santi played and I was in the kitchen cooking. A vision of myself treading into a room made of only energy surfaced.

Golden energy surrounded the area. Krishna sat in meditation although he was more energy – brilliant gold instead of form. Heading towards him with a realization I was entering silence, the complete union of him and I; however, this time, I wasn't too afraid or overwhelmed by it. My love was immeasurable, where it became an ignition to dissolve fear of love that was beyond life and death.

Krishna was all golden air, without physical, so I sat in this energy and became it. As I sat unmoving, I witnessed hands folded in front of my chest, and I now sat on a pink lotus flower seat, as this brilliant golden, shimmering energy that was emitting throughout.

"God," I heard.

I opened my eyes, carrying on performing morning routines. Energy turned and churned again, I needed to be alone to process, but it was hard. Santi wanted me consistently, so I had short fuse with him. Things were shifting inwardly.

At night, I was inside this golden energy with Krishna.

"I'm God," I said.

"Do you accept now?" he asked.

"Yes. I accept I am God," I replied. We kissed and made love. Sometimes he turned into me, and I'd see myself making love to myself.

"I am you and you're me," he said.

"Yes. I accept. I accept you. I accept me. I accept us," I said.

Is this how it is now? He and I rolling around kissing, making love? This is the eternal bliss?

"Want to go create later?" I asked, looking outside. The energy had switched into a normal room.

### Chapter 68

The next day I was little unsettled inside unsure of reasons. I did many things to advertise the memoirs, including creating another social media page, updating website and book page, talked to advertising people, and so on for the last week. However, truly I didn't know what I was doing. I just did it, not thinking much into it. That day though, I was a bit low, wanting to cry uncertain of any purpose.

"I don't know what the heck I'm doing. I don't know what's going on," I said sitting on a toilet, covering my face with my hands.

I chose to go lie on my bed to relax. A vision of myself traveling a wormhole occurred. This one was different from many I had gone through. It was dark mixed with tiny lights, as if the light was shining through little window holes. It went further down like I was going to unlock something in my subconscious, but this wasn't the case. Despite it was long I kept going until seeing light, indicating I was getting close. Soon, I popped out of the vortex, and came into a forest with clear, sparkling light displaying through. Curious since there was another route going in another direction. Standing erect where I was, I traveled the other tunnel.

Quan Yin came out from it wearing all white, her ancient Chinese outfit, yet this time it was much whiter with clearest and purest white glowing energy around her. Her hair was the same, in peacock style, but more elegant. She decorated her hair with some white flowers. My jaw dropped witnessing how brilliantly beautiful she was, like I'd never seen her. She threw white lotus petals from the air, smiling.

"Take some time. It will all come together," she said.

I soared higher to lie down. At that moment, I was exhausted. Also, I understood right away where I would be with myself after witnessing Quan Yin. The tiredness suddenly hit like ton of bricks dropping all over my body, not realizing I had been completely worn-out. Quan Yin left; I picked myself up then carried on slowly until I was in white clouds, truly tired. A suitcase appeared in my hand, I dragged it along walking sluggishly, running short of energy, no different than a walking zombie. Ahead was a long bridge made of clouds.

During crossing, I said despite not having much strength: "It is done. The journey is done. There's no more me. It is done. There's no more journey. It is done. There's no me. The journey is done."

The suitcase dissipated into nothing. Half way on the bridge, a metal gate dropped. So, I sat leaning on it, truly drained and overly fatigued, almost unable to move. Up in midair was Krishna looking my way.

"Krishna!" I yelled, before yelling. "La!"

Wanting him to open the gate, but more gates fell after another now at least five.

"Go through it. Make it through," he said.

Even without much strength, I gently got through the first gate. It became a liquid plastic while I went through it, with such fatigue. Then I stopped, glanced at the next one, even though I was flat on the floor really depleted.

"Get through it. Make it through," Krishna encouraged.

Slowly, I pushed pass the next, then lay low on my face. I couldn't go on. My entirety was maxed out, in complete mental and physical exhaustion, similar to being put to work for days without rest, lifting heavy things not realizing how deeply fatigue and exhausted I was at the time. Gradually crawling to the next one, I lifted myself to sit against the metal gate, to rest.

"Make it through. Once you do, nothing can stop you. Not even the Almighty. The All Powerful La," he went on.

With just a little more strength I gathered, I pushed myself passing the last gate. Once I did, Krishna stood in the air.

"You are now completely invincible! There's no more you! No more me! Just one! One! He shouted, though I crept on my hands and knees away, to lie on white energy.

"You did it. You did it. You use any strength left in you to get through," he said. "Take some time for yourself."

He seemed proud, and was about to heal my exhaustion with his gold energy, but he was asked him not to. However, a massage would be nice, especially my legs and feet.

He went to stand far distance, so once more I gently picked myself up to walk, to stand facing him. He turned all white, porcelain, and milky then kissed me, which turned me into porcelain, milky like him. Abruptly he disappeared into me. We became one.

Now I was similar to a robot, or an alien in porcelain, milky skin with dark brown eyes with no hair, yet inside was pure and absolute unstoppable power. I shot upward completely high saying, "Wow! Wow!"

Krishna resumed his form, observing. I stuck out my hand, creating flashing lightning strikes far and wide in the entire Universe.

" _Wow!" Is this what is like when Krishna and La come together?_

I descended. Just briefly the Gods and Goddesses showed up. Shiva appeared in midair before Vishnu with all his avatars, plus Hanuman and Rama came. Hanuman stood in the sky, watching Krishna and I.

"They are super power!" he shouted, suggesting they wanted a duel. So, I soared into the air, with my new body.

"All the Gods and Goddesses! This entire Universe! Come to me at once!" I yelled, pumped with such supreme powerful force inside.

They all headed my way, flying to where I was. I extended one arm out blasting my golden energy before electrocuting with lightning, then putting them in a net and trapping them in my golden light. Then I froze the scene. Thinking I got all the deities, but Rama. He broke through and fired his golden arrow at me, so I let the sharp pointy weapon go through my golden shimmering force. There was no blood. My flesh was gone. The arrow; however, had strings with bows around tying me securely for brief moments until I broke free. He flew my way. This round, I electrocuted him with lightning, then blasting and tied him with a rope, then froze the scene.

After all this, it didn't hold the God Warrior for seconds. He was right behind like a shadow, and stuck his golden arrow right through my torso and wrapped me down with his rope. Krishna got up about to come, but Vishnu stopped him.

"Let her handle it," he said.

Once I turned formless and broke off, I became invisible as the entire Universe, unseen. Rama did the same, turning himself shapeless, unformed as the whole planet right behind, breathing down my neck.

"Rama! Rama! Rama!" I shouted in disbelief, since there wasn't much I could do to stop him.

"Stay down!"

I resumed my milky form, and made my harp appear to play. He shot his strongest golden arrow in super speed heading my direction. This turn, I slowed him and the arrow with the melody, then blasting him away, before trapping him with my gold energy. Yet, this didn't hold him, even for a bit. He came right back, as he couldn't be defeated.

Immediately, I multiplied myself to at least a hundred.

"Get Rama!" I shouted.

They all went after him, but what did you know? He multiplied himself, too, all in warrior outfits with red capes, strong and muscular going at it with other versions of myself. Then I saw glimpses of the sun's rays when turning around, Rama was heading my way.

"Surya! Shine your brightest!" I yelled, smiling the Sun God was helping.

The Sun God radiated the intense sunlight, to slow Rama. I made a golden bow and arrow appear, and shooting at him in the fastest, super speed. Soon, there was no trace of the God Warrior. This put a smile on my face and was going to yell for him to surrender, to admit his defeat. Just as I was about to do so, he was in midair with his shiny bow and arrow aiming my direction. He released, and within seconds, the arrow shot right through binding me with a long string. I struggled a bit, until turning formless, and stepped out.

"Krishna!" I yelled.

He's too powerful!

Heading toward Krishna, he swiftly speeded in the atmosphere. Golden light emitted near and far, the entire Universe became all his power. He made a golden shield around him, where Rama couldn't break through, to get to him.

_God of the Universe._ I looked up with this love for him and said, "Krishna. My love _._ "

Why can't I do that?

Krishna returned to sit by my side, eating a green apple. Another version of him stood in the air, while Rama pounded on the shield. I tried sharing his crunchy fruit, but he finished it and gave a new red one. Immediately my understanding was, I was no longer green, but ripen with such growth and inner strength that couldn't be destroyed. Moreover, I understood what he was showing; I was the God of the Universe. Everything and anything was my force.

We lay leisurely watching him and the God Warrior, but we also made out: kissing, smiling and rolling, telling each other how much we loved each other. Afterwards, I was going to face Rama.

"Be one with him," Krishna suggested.

"I will. Let me have fun first," I replied.

Now I wasn't sure where Hanuman was, but found him adoring Quan Yin, mesmerized by her beauty. I walked toward them. She sat in front of him soaking her feet though he lay on his chest with both arms supporting his chin, in awe. She was helping to keep him away from being a duo with Rama. I was about to sit, but Hanuman stuck an arrow through my eye; he continued admiring Quan Yin. He knew.

"Ahh!" I yelled, pulling the arrow off, with my eye ball stuck on it. A new eye appeared.

He then flew to help Rama.

Krishna!

Right away, I soared to Rama to get him away, although Hanuman went after Krishna. It was no surprise, I couldn't defeat the God Warrior and neither could he keep me down. He was my teacher, teaching how to shoot arrows before. If I was to beat my teacher, a student and a teacher would be one and the same.

Maybe I thought about seducing him, which was ultimately my last method, since he was deeply attracted to me once upon a time. Then I switched to my own form, dressed in white warrior attire similar to when we had our duels. My hair was in a ponytail and wearing silver metal armors on both shoulders appearing very attractive. When he got close, I didn't do anything except showing my affection. He flew me down though I gazed at him, smiling softly with admiration and fondness. Unfortunately, I became attracted to him. Now we were in the same situation we were in a few times, with such a strong and deep pull of love and affection, which was incredibly hard to leave. We were going to kiss, but I held back. It took some strength. I went to Krishna. He followed.

"Let's shake hands. We tied," I said. He shook my hands although I thought about upper cutting him, just to get a good one in.

"Don't even try," he said before walking away.

"You know who he is like, right?" Krishna asked.

His question made me reflect. Like me. It was true, I never thought of it. Rama and I were no different, identical. He never backed down. He was relentless, non-stopping and didn't know what defeat meant. With his last breath, he wouldn't give up since he was completely fearless. He really earned the name of the God Warrior. I yelled after him.

"Rama!" He turned around. "I love you with my all, so completely, so truly and so deeply. You know that, right?"

He didn't say anything, yet suggested.

"Why don't we have a match where your husband doesn't interfere and you don't ask for his help!"

Not blinking, stoned-faced, I looked straight. It was true. I died by his arrow many times since I couldn't dodge quickly enough from its fastest speed. Krishna would step in and reach for his arrow when it came, like it was nothing and broke it.

It was a good suggestion, though I couldn't take him up with the offer. His comment brought a realization that I hadn't fully rely on my own strength, still go to Krishna for many things. Well, for almost everything. What could I do? He was the one who remembered, plus I couldn't even leave his side.

Heading back to Krishna, a thought came. "Am I not supposed to be tired?"

Soon enough, I began to feel tired.

"Is there such a thing?" Krishna asked.

No.

After I fell asleep, Santi came to my bed close to mid-night, and scratched himself non-stop whereas I dozed on and off, waking up every other minute. His constant movement was infuriating, so I yelled then got myself out of bed to go get a bottle of lotion in the cabinet, and slamming it, as well as the bedroom door. The exhaustion really hit hard. I just wanted to cry. More and more raising a child, and going through immense changes became completely draining in every aspect. It was a suicide thing to do. Sometimes repeating myself, with Santi to just get him to do one thing incurred more exhaustion. Moreover, I was mad at Sean for not applying enough lotion on Santi knowing his skin was dry.

Santi asked for an apology for yelling at him; I apologized but yelled again. He insisted to give him another apology, and I did, yet I shouted, as well as apologizing. The commotion contributed to my overtiredness even more.

Lying in bed, unable to fathom how truly exhausted I was, how the process of transforming myself was. It was though I was doing something which was impossible to do. My chest burned with heaviness; I rubbed it, with such stress engulfing my whole body. The exhaustion was to the point I couldn't even move, lying in my bed wanting to sob, yet had no strength left to shed a tear.

I'm so tired of it. So tired of it. Tired of everything, I can't do it anymore. Tired of Santi pulling blanket away from me at night. Tired of the same songs played on radio. I'm so tired.

Couldn't fall asleep, I shut my eyes and was right back where I was in the cloud, in all white area. Krishna put my feet in a silver bowl with water, and washed them then dried them. He lifted me to the tub, gave a bath, before putting white sheet over my body, and carried me to bed. He didn't say anything, wanting me to relax due to my extreme level of fatigue.

"Can we do this for a while? I need time," I asked, not wanting him to lead to remembrance, which would lead to more transformations. Even uttering sentences or words took any energy that was hardly there. He didn't say, with his back towards me.

Then, I went elsewhere and saw Shiva standing with his back toward me. Observing him, I slowly treaded over to hug him, then kissed him and we made love. Being intimate with the Destroyer was doubtlessly relaxing; it took stress and exhaustion away, for the moment. Krishna came, saw us and took off immediately.

Oh my God!

Here I was truly stressed to the max, but created more of it for myself. Krishna wasn't anywhere to be found.

Forgive me! Please! Please! I yelled, on my knees kneeling nearly sobbing.

"Give him some time," Shiva said.

Oh my God! Oh my God! Fuck me! I screamed with any strength left, upset with myself.

Despite I searched everywhere; he was nowhere to be seen. Then, I found Vishnu and went to lie on his chest. The love with him and Shiva was less stressful; however, with Krishna was overwhelming, so much stronger and deeper that it was bottomless.

Now I found myself making love with the Maintainer. It was calming, stripped off any edge of tension for a bit.

"Go back to Krishna," he said, afterwards.

Immediately I understood; my running away from problems and seeking a way out, instead of facing it head on wasn't going to help. Krishna finally showed, still with his back towards me.

"I'm sorry," I said. "Please forgive me, my love."

He was quiet, not even a word spoken.

"Aren't they all you? Am I not making love to you when I make love with them?"

Despite I married Vishnu and Shiva; I chose to be with Krishna because it was next to impossible to be with any other Gods, besides him. My love for the Divine God was immeasurable, he was silent then vanished. He returned to our abode, sitting far on the other side quiet, while I sat staring at him.

In the morning when I was up for the day, it was the same: downright fatigue. My exhaustion level was to where I could be in ER. Santi asked to read to him, but I stared blankly at the wall physically drained, worn and wiped out at the point of collapsing.

Maybe I can ask Sean to come home from work.

The thought left too quickly and didn't catch it, so I was with was going on.

"Not today. Just look at pictures, okay?" I whispered.

Once Santi finished eating, he was asked to play to give me time to cook and eat. All morning, I basically did everything for him to hinder from expending any energy I barely held. He was supposed to write a letter to his teacher, I wrote it. While eating, a vision of Krishna's hand about to heal my fatigue, from previous meditation surfaced. This reminded to heal myself, so I did by allowing my golden energy to circulate the chest area, where the energy was tense. Within seconds, the exhaustion and stress level decreased from 9 to 4. Instantly my energy bounced back. An image of myself at a circuit breaker surfaced, saying I could switch off the fatigue if I choose, though I didn't.

"Put on the control buttons," I said, instead of switches. The control buttons appeared.

Santi and I were okay again. And thought maybe I could go at it, with the remembrance and transformation; however, at this point, it was better to take a couple weeks to myself. We went for a drive until dropping him off to pre-school, though the exhaustion increased to about 5 from scale of 10. Control buttons emerged. I lowered it to 3. Then switched it off, the fatigue was gone, like wind, nevertheless I brought the tiredness back, since everything was myself, my own energy.

The severe fatigue returned later in the evening. Not knowing how to take a break, I did the same things: jogging, writing, meditating, processing, and being on social media. The overtiredness was painful, to the point I wanted to cry yet couldn't, no strength to carry out the task. Even talking to someone for brief moments was tiresome, draining and absorbing my energy completely. There was no desire to heal myself or turn it off, just letting it be. In any given moment, it felt I was going to collapse, and was surprised it wasn't so.

After making love to Shiva and Vishnu, it was quite tough to get the relationship with Krishna back. It took numerous times to profess my love and devotion to him. Making love to other Gods was no doubt diverting.

Krishna treaded off, without saying much in one of the meditations. In front of him, I took off my clothes. My energy showed. Yet, he walked on not showing slight interest. After trying everything, I too, headed in separate direction from him.

"You know I can't resist you. Not even for a second," he said; it made me smile.

"Yeah?"

"Yes," he responded.

We made up. Then found ourselves at a garden party at night with other Gods and Goddesses. The celebration was for Rama; however, I wasn't in appropriate attire for the occasion. So I soared in the sky dressing myself like a Greek Goddess, but this was not fitting any longer. Rather, I was comfortable to wear a red sari mixed with gold, with fine jewelry on my arms, nose, and hair. The Gods and Goddesses watched, especially Rama. Krishna flew up to where I was.

"You adore her," Rama's wife said, when she saw him unable to keep his eyes away.

"Krishna's wife is tired from her long journey all the way up here!" Rama shouted.

The God Warrior hit the target. The journey was lengthy, arduous, and tiresome in every aspect. It took every inch and ounce of my entire system, minute in and minute out for the last three and half or four months, without much rest. Now I was deeply exhausted. My inner core was at the lowest. No difference than my inside being scraped apart. Continuously, my temple and head ached.

Krishna took me to make love in our new abode. Later, I was at home by myself. Abruptly I was swooped up, and thought Krishna was taking me elsewhere. It was Rama.

"Rama!" I said. He took us to a cave far away in a forest, at night. He wanted to make love.

"Krishna will come!" For you.

Before anything was to happen, I turned formless, flying through the cave and walked away.

"La!" he yelled.

"Leave it alone, Rama! Just leave it alone!" I shouted. It pained to shout and I held my chest.

Shortly I was at a temple where I was previous; however, the temple only had a big Buddha statue with partial gold and something else. The area was bright with white floor.

"Buddha! Buddha! Buddha!" I called, gathering any speck of energy lingered.

He didn't show, though I was in midair inside it.

"I'm empty! There's no more me completely! I am empty! There's no more me!"

Heading by Buddha's palms, I lay down. Surprisingly, it was very comfortable similar to lying inside Krishna's arms, and due to my exhaustion I was relaxed, wanting to rest. Buddha appeared in the air. Because of my fatigue, couldn't get up to greet him.

"It is done!" he said.

"It is done!" I said.

He vanished. I lay with my eyes closed resting, then saw myself rocketed into the sky deeply free shouting, "Yippee! Hurray! I made it! Whoo hoo!"

It was deeply free.

Complete liberation!

### Chapter 69

The next couple of days, the exhaustion persisted although my energy gradually returned. My distraction was being on social media frequently. It seemed I didn't truly take a break, to relax and be with myself. However, few days later I relaxed without much media, yet once I gained more energy, I was on social media browsing through posts, making comments, posting, and connecting with friends. One of the nights I was up until midnight. Despite being sleepy with blurry eyes, regardless I commented on posts. Sometimes I wasn't sure whose posts or what I wrote in comment sections.

Not meditating for days, I began to miss Krishna. He was always there, not saying much in our abode. At times, he fanned me with a little fan, meaning to "relax."

Then the exhaustion returned, not to the point of collapsing, but I allowed the energy of it to come in full, in order to face the tiredness completely. Once Sean and Santi left for outings, I cleaned the house and continued to be with the energy no matter what. A vision of Krishna stood in our abode, with his back towards me surfaced. I stopped cleaning, and headed up to my room. I walked towards him.

"I'm not running anymore. I'm here completely," I said.

If it was going to take all of me again, so be it, since my love was incomprehensible, as if I couldn't be anywhere else except with him. If the exhaustion was to where I ended in the hospital, I was going to let it, but wasn't going to run away from this love. If it was destined to go through thousands of deaths transformations, sacrificing all of myself, I would, but never could leave this love I deeply longed and yearned for: to be with him, in union, with no ending or starting completely.

"I'm here with you eternally, Krishna. There are no words to describe my love for you. I can't run any longer. I love you too much."

Although deep inside, I still wanted to distract myself despite it wasn't nearly like how it was. We sat; he touched my face and said, "You love yourself."

"You are me and I am you. There's nowhere for me to be except right here with you, with us, with myself," I said.

Later, I lounged in a long, white soft sofa. He brought white tulips, with roots covered with dirt and gave them to me.

"Thank you, my love," I said.

He planted the tulips around our abode by making dirt appeared. Where we resided was complete white, in an open atmosphere with nothing, just energy, a bottomless universe. Curious, I went to check.

"White tulips," I commented.

"Pure love," he replied.

"Pure love," I said.

After watching him digging dirt and planting them, I made white tulips grew all over then went to sit with a magazine in my hand; he continued.

"Mine's done," I said.

"I accept my wife is lazy," he said. His comment made me chuckle because this was true. Most often my replies were to family and friends, when they asked me to do something or doing things together, "No, I'm lazy."

Nevertheless, I comprehended immediately what he was showing. It was going to take some work to completely be this pure love, more of facing myself. He headed to where I sat, wanting to make love, but his hands were filled with soil.

"Take a shower first," I suggested.

During his shower, a soft, beautiful sun emerged. I viewed it with a smile, closing my eyes and said: "What liberation. Wow!" Eternal bliss.

Then he snapped my leg with a white towel he dried himself off with, while I browsed through a magazine.

"Ouch!" I said then glanced at him.

He was naked. So, you see, I gawked, unblinking, my mouth dropped open, and I froze for a bit, stunned. The ultimate God Krishna stood without clothes on, within my reach.

"Come here!" I said, once I gained my composure.

"You come here!" he said and shot into the air.

"You want me to come and get you?" I asked.

I soared to him; we rolled around with sun reflecting. His energy was solid gold, which I couldn't explain with some white. It was where I'd come to, since now, my energy was shimmering golden, similar to his previously.

"Want to make love with sun shining on us?" he asked.

"Sure," I responded.

"All night?" he continued, I busted out laughing holding my stomach.

Once we made love, we held each other dissolving in this love of him and I.

"My wife," he said.

"My husband," I said.

"My eternal happiness," he went on. My love couldn't even be spoken of or describe; it was complete and absolute silence. We made love again then lay leisurely.

My eternal flame.

Then, I asked him to do something.

"I will do whatever you want and need," he said.

You're the only thing I ever wanted and needed. My own Soul, my own consciousness Krishna.

"There's nothing, my love. It's all here. I'm all here. All I ever wanted and needed is right here, right now with you so completely, so truly, and so deeply, my ultimate love. You're the only thing I breathe," I said.

The next day, it seemed things were coming together much more; the energy that turned and churned gradually dissipated, and the level of exhaustion had lowered once I faced it. However, I was all over the place, going back and forth with two media pages I created, as well as writing posts, chatting with friends, posting, and making comments, and so on. All I could do was enjoy all of it.

After putting electronics away: IPad, computer and IPhone, I closed my eyes. Krishna and I sat relaxing. A universe appeared, and we observed its magnificence, no different than seeing the whole world in front of us.

"Want to go play!" he asked.

"No. I just want to watch," I said after listening to what was inside.

Shortly we were at the beach, where we had been a couple of times, with few people out relishing the ocean scene. We strolled during cool breeze brushing on us, and feeling the sand underneath our feet. The sun's rays emitted softly. A woman with blonde hair, average build painted a sculpture in water. I watched her until we returned to our abode.

He braided my hair and put white flowers on it while I leaned on him. Holding a paint brush in my hand, I turned around wanting to draw on his eyebrow, though he pushed it away saying, "My love!"

An easel appeared with white drawing papers, I approached it. Unsure what to draw, I stood observing. A swirly wormhole emerged next to it.

"A portal," he said.

Portal?

My understanding was it could transport me anywhere.

More easels appeared, yet there was nothing to paint or write. There was no more description.

I will leave everything blank.

"Complete Oneness," he commented.

Oneness. That's all there is now. One.

### Chapter 70

Curious about the portal, I dove in. Instantly, I was somewhere completely different, inside the cosmos looking at the nebulous shining and gleaming closely with purple, pink, white colors and more; the whole entire galaxy.

Wow! Spectacular!

"Why didn't you bring me here before?" I asked, in awe.

"You weren't ready," he answered.

"You're the best husband ever! I guess I will keep you with me eternally," I said.

"I guess so," he added.

He left. I continued to observe everything in disbelief, speechless and in astonishment. Shortly I understood I was in a multidimensional, a multiverse. Krishna or Vishnu showed up holding a clear globe, with a gold outfit and gold crown on his head. Then I noticed I had turned into sparkly and luminous golden energy, with no form. I ran then shot myself into the atmosphere. Golden energy blasting out of me, similar to nuclear plant exploded across the entire Universe.

Wow! Power!

A bit uncomfortable of its strength, I came out. Vishnu lounged observing the universe multi-dimensionally with many globes surrounding him. He gave me one, but I leaned over to kiss him and made another arm appear holding it, then created nearly a hundred more arms.

"You're brilliant," he said. "Intelligence."

"Thank you," I said although wasn't sure what he meant by 'intelligence.'

"There's nothing I couldn't or wouldn't do for you," he said touching my face, then left.

I sat amused, reclining as Vishnu.

"Full conscious," I said.

Shortly I headed back in, shooting golden energy balls, like comets inside the cosmos that were now all gold.

"Our wife," one of them said. I made golden lotus flowers appear, filling the entire atmosphere then turning one into a big golden bed, for Krishna and I.

"I love my husband!" I shouted.

Husbands.

And what more could a wife give to her husband? Well, I stripped off my clothes and lay inside the golden lotus bed, as golden energy itself. Krishna came.

"I want this to be our bed from now on," I said beaming looking at him.

"You're the best," he said. We made love in our new bed. Then I also made love to Vishnu, as well.

On the way to Santi's school, I grinned inside.

I decide what I want and how I want it.

When I said I wanted "full conscious." I arrived to it however I chose because I decide, determining everything for myself, the Creator and Director of my own choosing.

Santi and I were in the front yard following his class, playing with his car toys and riding his tricycle. Sean was with our son once he was off work; I headed to my bedroom to meditate. A vision of being pregnant emerged. My stomach was huge.

Krishna and Vishnu were by my side. Shortly I bled, became worried a bit. Vishnu reassured everything would be fine. Krishna healed me. Nonetheless, I bled more. So, I wanted to deliver. Once I gave a big push, a squirrel and raccoon or maybe a skunk ran out instead of a baby. Krishna made the golden lotus bed bigger and round, as well as cleaning up my blood. The bed was much whiter and cleaner.

Afterwards, I rested. Krishna put a blanket over my body then lay down and held me.

"You're letting go of what was left of letting go," he said.

While lying to recover, I said: "I also need to let this go."

I left my physical form. We took the corpse to countryside and burned it, then threw ashes into flowing streams. We returned; my energy glowed in white, as I was formless. It looked I had turned into Quan Yin, similar to when I encountered her last, sitting in midair at the forest. At the moment my understanding was I was the embodiment of the Goddess of Mercy - completely pure, light, and gentle. As I sat for a bit, I turned back to myself, though my energy was light, pure flowing white. Krishna observed, not blinking.

"There are no words to describe you. There are none," he said.

"Did she let it all go?" Vishnu asked.

"Yes," Krishna responded. Then he and I made love, though Vishnu walked away after looking at me. So, I rushed after him.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Krishna is the only God for you. He's the epitome of everything," he informed.

What? Was he saying I didn't need him?

He continued walking, not stopping. My heart sunk deep realizing he was leaving. "Vishnu! Vishnu! Please don't go! Please!" I yelled.

"You need to let me go," he suggested.

What he just said no doubt hurt, not able to uphold being without him. Besides Krishna, Vishnu was the only God for me, as well. Three of us were inseparable until I chose to be with Krishna. Filled with tears, I screamed for him torn and ripped in pieces. Inside was hollow, deeply broken. I became numb. Krishna watched in the air, but uttered nothing. He understood.

Soon I was on my knees crying and in dazed, before lying on my back unable to believe he had left. I stared off into the distance, as if any spark inside was gone. There weren't any words to explain how profoundly affected I was by his departure, like I was dead. No one, not even Krishna could help letting go of the Maintainer.

The Divine God played his flute, and making golden lotus petals fall covering me, whereas I lay on clear ground far from him. I watched blankly, then abruptly disappeared. My form faded into nothing, unseen energy. Krishna was without form, next to my side. We were consciousness looking at mountains, sky, trees, lakes, and more.

"Do you want to manifest ourselves and go play?" he asked later.

"Yeah," I answered. "Can you take your blue Godly form with the flute?"

"Yes," he responded. "And you as La Kingsavanh?"

"Yes. Let's go to the pond," I suggested.

But then I also wanted to bring the golden lotus bed with, so I made another abode with golden floor in the open sky, however, my decision was to be at the pond first. Soaking my feet in water, nearly sobbing, although this time, it was of complete deep joy. I lay on my back holding myself saying, "I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Love is me, all along. Love is me, all along."

Quan Yin headed my direction, I lifted myself adoring how indescribably beautiful she was, in the same pure white dress.

"Quan Yin," I said.

"Quan Yin," she said. She sat.

"Thank you for being such a wonderful friend," I told her.

"You're such a beautiful friend," she also said.

"I just can't believe it," I remarked, touched lying on her lap.

"It's okay. It's okay. Take time for yourself. Don't work. Go enjoy yourself," she suggested, since I wasn't fully recovered to my normal energy level, from overtiredness. Soon Krishna strode toward us.

"Your husband is here," she said then left.

He and I sat observing the serene, tranquil pond.

"It's us again," I said.

"It's always is. There's no one else," he responded. "Let's go up."

We arrived to our new home, with the golden floor.

"I can't believe when I talked to another and thought they were someone else. I can't believe it," I said, heading to our bed, and covering my mouth laughing.

"Here we go again," he said. I continued laughing.

He rested in bed, not one way or another, while I rolled back and forth chuckling. Then I lay in his arms, with hands over my mouth. Next, I got out of bed, to laugh into the universe hearing my own laughter.

"I can't believe it. I can't believe it."

### Chapter 71

At night after waking to use the restroom, I missed Vishnu and the love with him, unsure how to let him go. He was also my love of all love, the greatest love of my life. In the morning, I was low with hurt and pain, basically wasn't certain of the significance of letting go of him, too.

Why didn't I say I love my husbands? Why? Was it something more?

A vision surfaced during Santi eating his breakfast. At countryside, I stood staring at the sun where I dropped off my last load of conditions, before entering the shiny land of Nirvana. And where Vishnu and I were, when I thought I had to let him go the first time. The green grass wilted. Unsure how, yet I tried to say goodbye to him.

"I don't know how to let you go. You'll be with me eternally. I love you so deeply, so truly and so completely. You're in me as me," I said.

Moments later, he showed up formless; I ran to hug him, but he vanished.

Krishna appeared in the air playing his flute transparent. To play along, I brought out my own, as I was also see-through. Vishnu reappeared; he was crystal clear in the air.

"There's no you," one of them said.

"I know. I made it up," I said. Self-create. "I'm energy that is Love. There's nowhere for me to go or be except right here, right now."

"Do you accept," one of them asked.

"I accept," I responded.

Once Santi was in class, I was home realizing it was something much more I had to leave behind. Understanding what I was holding onto. Since enlightenment I was afraid, clinging on of who I thought was, fearing to accept I was nobody; empty. The illusion was gone. It was fruitless to grip to any disguises since they were no more. It was useless to drag the empty briefcase around any longer.

A vision of myself in a golden chariot, with Vishnu occurred. He dressed in all gold, including his crown, deeply handsome. The atmosphere was clear with men walking on both sides of the carriage. Then it switched to Krishna holding me; I became emotional.

"I was so afraid of myself. I was so afraid to accept that I'm nobody, nothing, empty. I was so afraid to accept myself as God," I told him leaning on his chest, as the chariot was moving. Swiftly, his Universal form showed over the sky.

"It's okay. You're here now. You're here with me. We will never part again," he said.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"You need to be truly awakened," he answered.

"Truly awakened?" I said, little surprised by this.

He stood up blowing into a white horn. Moments later I did the same. Then I flew upward into open air, shouted as it instantly emerged.

"I'm God Krishna! Heaven! Earth! And Hell as One! I'm God Krishna! Heaven! Earth! And Hell as One! I'm God Krishna! Heaven! Earth! And Hell as One!"

I lifted my arms. The wind blew at an exceptional speed, with dirt and land forming into a big twister. Then it turned into energy, similar to everything else, all uniting into one thing with no difference. I stood watching the transformation taking effect. Krishna came by.

"No more separation," he commented.

"No more separation," I said.

"Look! They are uniting as one!" yelled one of the men witnessing this.

"Complete awakening," Krishna added.

The transcendence was easy this time, rather hard to believe somewhat. In Nirvana, it took all of who I was, to unite the three realms.

Suddenly we were somewhere else, holding hands facing each other getting married. The floor was clear energy and the sky was cloudless. We stood in front of light, with Jesus standing as the witness of the union.

"God. Be with me eternally," Krishna asked.

"God. I'm with you eternally as God," I said. Afterwards, Jesus strode off. Krishna and I kissed, then I ran after Jesus.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"The work is done here," he replied. I hopped in his arms, he carried me. My love for him was indescribable, as well. There were no words; he had been with me since the beginning.

"You know. I love you so truly, so completely and so deeply," I said.

"I know. Love is why you're here. Why I'm here and why we're all here," he said.

Before I hopped down, I saw unwrapped hard candy in his hand; he already had some.

"Let me have some," I said and took it out of his hand. It was honey lemon: my favorite.

"Hmmm. Jesus! This is fucking good!" I said.

"Watch your mouth," he said.

"I cuss. I cuss. I really do!" I replied.

"We all know," he commented walking ahead. "Just leave your husband standing."

I was in midair sucking on the candy not noticing anything else except the candy and the taste in my mouth at the moment. Krishna stood where we were. I went to him and gave him some. That was how much I loved him, sharing, and giving everything I had. He sucked on the sweet and gave it back the rest. He took out the pouch again, with gemstones in it.

"Your energy," he remarked.

"Give it to me," I said, grabbed it from him and swallowed a hand full in my mouth, though this time they were more yet in smaller sizes.

Is this why I have been so tired?

Moments later, I let out gas.

"You had too much of it," he said.

What do I do now? Fart it out?

I wasn't sure if he kept the rest. It seemed he would bring them out, following our wedding, as a wedding gift. Next, we were ice fishing somewhere, in an open surrounded by icy land.

I caught a big fish, reeled it in and put it in a bucket. However, he caught a bigger fish. So I dropped my line again, caught one much bigger, before catching another as big as a whale, and one as big as the entire universe, but it was formless.

"You're incredible. Completely unborn," he said.

I saw a cottage where he, Vishnu and myself waited for me to come through a tunnel, saying I was the "complete unborn," afterwards. It was the first time I was informed of this. He was showing where I was with myself.

Following the meditation, I napped. During my rest, it was all about remembering, although I doze on and off. Yet when I woke up, I was in low spirit; however it looked as if I had awakened to another world, as if I just arrived, difficult to explain really. Many changes occurred inside. Letting go was doubtlessly hard: what I used know, who I used to be, and what I held onto due to fear of the unknown.

Before going for a long drive, I drove to a coffee shop and ordered caramel Frappuccino lite mocha. In the car, I sipped on my favorite drink, listening to music and accepting myself more and more.

During my exercise on the elliptical machine in the evening; I closed my eyes, and found Krishna and I playing. Up in the sky, I blasted my golden energy at the Divine God; he did the same, although he sat at our abode. I soared shooting nets and energy balls. When I flew lower sideway, I spat my gum at him. He caught the sticky, stretchy sweet thing with his hand, put it in his mouth and chewed it.

"My love," I said, couldn't to believe what he did; it made me smile though. I came close to kiss him, he took it out.

"You like that?" he asked. We kissed. It was passionate and I was into it, but Quan Yin arrived in the air, in glowing pure white. He had asked her to come by, to make a lotus bed for us.

"You ask her to come right now? At this time?" I asked.

"Quan Yin," I said. She was with a lotus bed she created. The bed wasn't gold, yet had pink lotus flowers decorated around it.

"Your other husband is waiting," she said then left.

Vishnu? I was delighted because I missed him.

"Okay. I will be there."

Back with Krishna to finish what we started, however, he held a black pouch and opened it. It was a sparkly diamond. I grabbed from his hand, a diamond on a gold ring, and thought it was another proposal from him. Nonetheless after I placed the shiny round band on my finger, I took it off, put it in my mouth, and swallowed. Suddenly my whole entirety turned sparkly diamond before it was pure, white energy. My form was gone.

It looked like my soul had shot out of my body, flying straight in super speed into the air.

"What's this?" I asked lifting my arms, free, and soaring doing backward flips.

"You're no longer individual soul, but Soul of all souls! Supersoul!" he shouted.

Is this what is called Universal Soul? Soul contains all souls?

"Wow! Wow! What a complete enlightenment! Total liberation!"

Since what was happening was unfathomable, all I could say was: "Wow! Wow!"

"Did I ever tell you?" I yelled, shooting myself back and forth doing more flips and spins.

"Yeah. Yeah. You'll keep me forever," he responded before I even finished the question. He was eating chips. I left to see Quan Yin. She walked on a bridge built with pink lotus flowers.

"He's waiting," she shared.

A glimpse of light reflected in the empty universe, I soared upward only to find Krishna lying on a golden chariot with his hand supporting his head in an open, where I transcended everything into one.

"The other husband is Krishna?"

Though I wanted to see Vishnu; however, I headed towards him beaming inside, and got on. With my hand supporting my head, I reclined in front of him. He wore gold pants, with a gold crown on his head, without a shirt. He also had a gold necklace on, truly handsome indeed.

"Supersoul," he said touching my face. He switched to Vishnu with four arms reclining, before turning to himself, but resembled both, I beamed. It appeared they tricked me again. The only husband I could ever have or need was Krishna. He was all of it – Shiva, Vishnu and Brahma - The Absolute, pure God.

"Just like my husband," I replied.

"One and the same, my love," he informed.

He had led to this remembrance plenty of occasions. It was just, I was still afraid of this truth, that the husband and wife were one, that I was completely, deeply in love with Self, where no words could label this Love itself.

Lying on top of him, I turned into Quan Yin.

"Quan Yin," he said then I transformed into Lakshmi, Vishnu and others. Yet when I turned into Radha, I became a bit jealous and switched back quickly to my own form. Then, I was Rama, he slightly looked away.

"You keep surprising me with all these remembrances. How am I supposed to end this memoir? It's over 200 pages already," I said, got up and stepped off the carriage, not at ease.

"End it here and continue the rest after this one," he suggested.

"I don't want to write more memoirs," I said.

"You're sharing. The rest of this lifetime all you'll be doing is sharing and the next," he said.

"Who's going to read all this?" I asked in frustration.

"Come here," he called. "You need confidence that can't be touched! The absolute confidence where your words are power! We'll do it together. We are the same."

Lying back on his chest, I heard: "We'll get there together you and me. I will take you there."

He was always comforting, understanding with utmost and undefinable love which had no end. How could I ever ask for a better husband?

"Did I tell you?" I said, but he stopped me.

"Let me say it this time." He paused a bit. "I'll keep you with me eternally."

Afterwards, I laughed. It was completely cute, unlike Krishna putting effort into. Power lines appeared near where we were, newer, bigger, and taller than previous.

I put a green grape in my mouth; he tried to bite it off from it. Quickly, I speeded into the cloudless sky.

"Come and get me!" I shouted.

### Chapter 72

Close to bedtime, I meditated. I was in a room with light blue and little touch of pink pastel similar to a painting. It held such calmness, serenity and full of tranquility. A boy Krishna appeared, about the age of twelve, dressed in blue attire similar to Aladdin.

"Inside me," he said.

"How peaceful," I mumbled observing in wonder. Shortly I went upward through it and found adult Krishna sitting against the tree with his flute, though he was in his mid-twenties, in blue skin and a peacock feather tied around his hair. The love overcame, so I went to kiss him.

"My love," I said.

Once we made love, I lay on his chest.

"All night?" he asked.

Again I smiled; however, this time I replied, "No. Eternity."

A portal with golden energy surfaced, I made my way to it. It had black Aum symbol in front of it. I dove in, and arrived into a place with nothing except dim energy and Aum symbol. Krishna reclined in midair holding a clear globe in his hand, observing it.

"Is this the center of Aum?" I asked.

"It's Aum itself. Aum is who we all are. Who we'll always be is Aum," he answered.

His response brought realization I wasn't just coming to it, but now here - 'it'. So, I lay next him and gave him a kiss, not uttering any word. My love had no language.

During the day, I was in love with Krishna, like I just fell in love with him, for the first time. Where I smiled when listening to love songs although what was happening wasn't too different than before. But it seemed I fell in love with him over and over again, never stop as I yearned for him deeply, as I couldn't get enough of this love. It was insatiable, to the point of not knowing what to do.

How can I be completely one with him to where there is no more me or he, but one and the same?

Undoubtedly, I'd do anything, letting go of whatever I needed to be in complete union, one-ness. Was this why this love couldn't end? It had to continue since it was endless and bottomless?

"I will do anything for you, to be with you. Anything," I said encountering him during my next meditation, in our new room.

Quan Yin entered. Our new place had Japanese screen doors inside the universe with no roof. It had one big open area viewing Earth, even though there was no physical world; we were truly high up. She had a few lit candles with her until all of them extinguished except one. She placed the lit candle in a small fire burner; it turned into a mid-sized bonfire. Momentarily I stepped into the burning flames and sat in the middle.

"She has no fear!" she said.

"The last burn," Krishna added.

Initially I was artificially burned, similar to in a fake fireplace until I let myself completely scorched down to ashes. My bones, eye balls and skin melted to air, similar to a candle melting to its end, with no trace left of it. At the moment I was sad, grieving because once and again I had to let go. Unbelievably at this point of how much letting go and facing myself I had done, how many deaths and burning through flames I had endured.

This time I entered through a door formless, with some white energy mixed inside. Since I was modestly sad, I didn't greet Quan Yin. She made a small bow and left.

Krishna approached, but I walked past him to look at the physical world by the open window that only had white airy clouds. He followed. Every time I let go, he was proud and completely supportive in every way. He could be on his knees.

"There are no words to describe what you mean to me. You're limitless to me, my eternal beloved. If you want another wedding, we'll have another. Whatever you want, my love," he said.

There are no words for me as well, Krishna.

Near bedtime, I watched a Chinese drama a friend recommended. During the show, I wept because the love within was undeniable and ungraspable, flowing inside my whole. Moreover, the show was all romance. When the main character proposed to the woman he loved, then carried her into his house while she was hurt, I whispered, "Krishna would do that."

Suddenly it hit. Whatever was going on inwardly was expressed right now - the divine union of feminine and masculine energy. The eternal love was ongoing at this instant, right now, no difference. When I said I'd do anything to express my love to Krishna, I was doing it right now and the same for him.

I remember. I remember.

In my dream, I strode through a door then another and another until stairways appeared. Indeed, it was a long staircase to climb. Another door appeared; I opened it until seeing a long stone bridge merely above water similar to ones I had crossed with an open dark sky. Yet, this one was much longer. As I proceeded, Krishna showed up transparent as the Universe and then Buddha. He was also see-through in front of the bridge. Though it was endless, I continued before seeing a sparkly diamond ahead, realizing I was getting closer to get to the other side.

Once I made it, I was inside the cosmos filled of brilliantly gleaming nebulas - the entire galaxies. Buddha was formless in the air observing my astonishment.

"Incredible!" I said.

"Who you are," Buddha said.

"I Am All That I Am," I said looking at him.

The next day wasn't too different, head over heels in love, where I wanted to scream and cry out loud. After drinking morning coffee, I understood what eternal bliss was. It was whatever I'm giving myself in each and every moment and had complete love and acceptance for who I was. Whatever it maybe: joy, happiness, sadness, and frustration was all myself, where I wouldn't want to alter anything, but was accepting and embracing each moment as it was. Love was my salvation and my liberation. If I was tired, I'd be with this fatigue completely and fully with utmost love, care, kindness, and compassion.

During my drive to Santi's school, not completely know how to accept this purest love profoundly embroiled deeply inside, as my core. How truly in love I was, as if I couldn't stop, contained or composed myself. On my way home, I found myself lying on Krishna's chest letting him know what was going on.

"I can't stop loving you. I just can't. I don't know what to do, Krishna."

"Just be in this love with me, my love," he said. "This love itself."

In silence, I lied unmoving and said softly, "Dissolve in this love with me, Krishna. There's no you and no me, but this pure love, oneness of you and I."

He played flute inside me, as I was this Universe watching him, which provoked deeper remembrance: this limitless and boundless love could only go on, continuously, eternally. This was how bottomless, immeasurable, and absolutely I love. God ❤.

At times, I saw Krishna and I together, in one another, as one. He was I, and I was he. Later, we were at our new abode with Japanese screen doors.

"Wow! We make love a lot, Krishna!" I said. It seemed that was all we did at our new home.

"It's husband's duty to make love to his wife," he commented; I busted out laughing.

"Duty?" I asked.

"It's his love for her," he elaborated.

"A beautiful thing, my love," I said after listening. It seemed, he turned everything into gold or whatever he said was gold.

### Chapter 73

For about a month or more, I didn't meditate, engulfed by a relationship. It was a bit surprising that it took me away from Krishna, which didn't think could happen. It became almost a test in some way.

When I closed my eyes to relax one particular evening, I kept seeing Krishna standing with his back towards me, observing land of ice, though I didn't go deep into it, but immediately understood what I needed to do - melt it, another condition that needed to be faced. It sort of scary, especially what he meant by the 'last burn'.

With some free time, I connected with new friends through social media. One of the friends was very fond of me; however, I didn't expect for her to help with a conditioning I had to understand, confront, and let go. It turned out to be liberating to burn off another condition despite it wasn't at all fun in the midst of confronting it.

The circumstance was similar to someone pushed me deep in the dirt, where it was hard to breathe, as if I didn't have a voice. No doubt this was from what I had learned through culture and parents, where they spoke and displaced their beliefs onto me, like I didn't have my own. It also incited more awareness, where my aggression and deep frustration stemmed from. It took a couple of days to fully face this, being up in the middle of the night experiencing the anger and heaviness in my chest and sadness of not having a voice as if I was shut off.

Being frustrated with advertising the books was one of conditions I truly had to comprehend. I put tremendous pressure and anxiety on myself when working in general. It was something that was imbedded, which was hard to melt; however, each day being mindful, understanding of its causes and with full awareness, helped peel off thoughts, reactions, views, and emotions attached.

Following some time off, I was ready to meditate again. Right away I found myself standing approximately 30 ft. above the vast sea, flipping the ocean with my index finger, and turning it upside down just like flipping pancakes. Same with the universe, I reversed it back and forth using my finger, and tossing it, as it was air. Similar with the blue ocean, I raised it into the sky before dissipating it into nothing. And with the whole universe in my palm, I dissolved it into energy then opened my palm, letting it back to the way it was. Krishna and Buddha sat in their chairs watching.

"She's getting powerful," Buddha said.

With Earth, I threw it into the sky and caught the realm with my finger. I smiled.

Rama.

I arrived into an empty space and saw Rama sitting on a golden throne wearing gold outfit with a golden crown from his time.

"We are identical. There's no need," he said, upon walking in.

"Let's see," I replied, amused inside.

We went to the sea. Before starting our duel, I lifted the ocean and turning it into coconut juice and drank it, as if it was from a coconut bowl. Rama was in his warrior suit, a red cape and gold pants. He carried his bow, arrow and a quiver on his shoulder. His hair was down, looking like the God Warrior indeed.

"How was it?" he asked after I finished.

"Delicious," I answered.

I brought out my bow and arrow; he also did it exactly at the same time. When I released mine, he let his arrow go. His sharp weapon shot through me and mine went through him. The strings from our arrows wrapped us, yet we broke off at the same time. Then, he came face to face with me, and suddenly this time, there was something deeper. A feeling strongly emerged, as if I was falling in love with him. My inside trembled. He looked directly in my eyes, leaning forward for a kiss, and I let myself go for a moment. Then pulled back and smiled.

"You like that?" I asked then flew away.

Buddha and Krishna watched our match. Rama chased. We flirted. When he came close, I soared elsewhere. We flew after each other all over the clouds then rolled on the sand like lovers. We gazed at one another in the eyes; he reached his hand to touch my face. At the moment, I really did fall in love with him.

"Be with me," he said gently stroking my face then touched my lips. After I hadn't meditated for some time, as I was distracted with other things in life, I wasn't sure where I was with Krishna.

"Give me time," I told him.

Then I headed toward the Divine God. Before even reaching him, the love that could move Heaven, Earth and Hell didn't go anywhere. Nothing could compare to this immeasurable love with him, love that I could only live and die in it. I sat on his lap.

Soon we were above the sea looking at water, feeding each other grapes. He lay with his arm supporting his head. The grape juice dripped to the side of his lip, I kissed it and then gently sucked off the juice. I put another grape in my mouth.

"Do that again," he said. I smiled and then kissed him. Other Gods and Goddesses were present enjoying themselves. Seeing deities everywhere, I said: It's God's land.

It stung a bit to witness Vishnu with Lakshmi, although she was my guide a few times, but I married Vishnu at least five different occasions. Suddenly Rama flew by trying to catch a ball Hanuman threw, my heart dropped, beating fast. Blood rushed through my veins, giving a bit of a shiver. I stood up.

Why did he do that? Why did he?

Rama was a God hunk, completely handsome, fearless, and powerful. He was well known throughout the Universe and any Goddess would want to be with him. By doing what he just did, he was no doubt tempting me, although I returned and made out with Krishna. Later, we went to our home.

The meditation scene switched. I was with Rama, making out with him and was naked and nearly made love with him. It seemed I had let myself go farther with the God Warrior. Abruptly, I stopped, and wrapped myself with a white sheet and got dressed.

"Stay," he said, though I walked away, realizing I was in love with him and didn't know what to do.

I strolled by a garden and saw Krishna played flute to at least twenty women. They sat listening, admiring, and adoring him. Quickly, I rushed away feeling jealous. He stopped and ran after. Then, we were home. The love with him was unfathomable and depthless, as if I couldn't go or be anywhere else except with this love, eternally without beginning or end. We made love and spent time together.

Next, I was at the beach by myself, observing the blue ocean. Rama came by, immediately we kissed passionately and it was the same, I almost made love with him and had to stop myself. It was getting harder to pull away from this deep affection.

"Stay!" he yelled.

To be by myself, I flew somewhere, but shortly Krishna appeared. My back was toward him. Rama also stopped by.

"Let her be with me, Krishna! Take Sita as one of your beloved wives," Rama suggested. My mouth slightly opened, ungrasp of what I just heard.

What's going on?

"She's the only Goddess," Krishna told Rama.

"What about Radha?" Rama asked.

I'm Radha. At the very instant, I accepted myself as she.

"I love the energy that is she," Krishna replied, indicating the energy that was La Kingsavanh - the fearless, independent, strong, and powerful equal to her husband.

"It's over, Rama," I finally spoke heading toward Krishna.

Krishna and I returned to our home, we sat relaxing.

"Let's go up higher. We have been here for a while now," I said.

An airplane arrived. We were getting ready to board, but the God Warrior showed up wanting to say goodbye, so I excused myself to go see him. He took me elsewhere. "You're leaving without saying goodbye," he said.

He gently gazed, before touching my face then leaning over for a kiss.

"Rama," I said wanting to stop, but couldn't, so once more I allowed myself go. However, this time I went further. We made love, yet realized I couldn't go deeper into his energy like with Krishna, where it was bottomless.

"Don't go," he said afterwards.

At this point, I couldn't be with Rama or go face Krishna, so I made another home for myself, and let Krishna come to find me instead. In an empty space directly viewing the sun was my new place of stay.

Once I was out of meditation, I wasn't sure what was going on. It was nice weather with some cool breeze as I exercised around the neighborhood, and unsure why I was caught in a love triangle again. After I let Vishnu go, and now found myself in another love affair.

Since Krishna didn't come by, the God Warrior often would visit. We spent a lot of time together, making love, and chasing each other through clouds and in the universe. When Rama and I made love again, I disappeared inside him, going deeper into his energy by dissolving profoundly into him. He came to meet. We continued kissing passionately and completely melting ourselves into one another.

"I love you," he said.

As I was mesmerized, taken completely with my eyes closed, I said, "Krishna, my love."

Abruptly Rama came out, as I was having a whiplash.

"Go to Krishna!" he said.

"I'm sorry, Rama," I said feeling bad.

Oh my gosh! What the heck!

Where I was with Rama, I couldn't return to Krishna and face him. So, I was at my own place. For a while, Rama didn't come by, I went to see Krishna. Appearing where he was, I took my clothes off and walking towards him naked, whereas he leaned against the white pillar. Our home now was in the empty universe, with clear floor and white pillars in different corners, no roof. I leaned over to kiss him, letting him know how deeply I missed him. Shortly, three Goddesses walked out of our bedroom heading toward Krishna.

He got married while I was gone.

Suddenly, deepest pain emerged, jolting my whole completely. Nothing could explain how hurt I was witnessing this. As if a mountain had collapsed on my chest and I crumbled, dispersing into thousands of pieces and scattering everywhere. Quickly, I rushed off, but he tried holding me back.

"Don't go!" he shouted.

Standing over the sea, I threw myself into the abyss of the ocean to end my life, but couldn't die. Under water, I didn't even have to breathe. If I did, it would be just like breathing air. I came to shore putting my head over my legs, crying in despair, broken and crushed. Rama appeared, rubbing my back. The agony of witnessing Krishna with other women couldn't be described.

Was this how much I hurt him?

Shortly Krishna appeared, though I soared off, and found myself somewhere I wasn't sure and cut both of my wrists and bled to death, lying in the pool of my blood. Momentarily I stepped away from my form, see-through. Then, I was inside a soft blue, pink, and beige room realizing I was inside Krishna. He appeared to play his flute; I lay in the pool of my tears, staring into the distance. When he was done, he came to pick me up and placed me in our bed. I was completely numb.

Momentarily I heard Rama wanting to come see me. He wasn't settled to witness the shape I was in; however, Sita asked him to leave Krishna and I alone to settle our marital disputes. In the morning, I went to an open space sitting in midair, creating. It cheered my low spirits amid enduring the hurt.

In an empty atmosphere, I put golden sun, then a sky with some light and clear clouds. Krishna showed up to play his music instrument sitting afar. The sound of his melody, while creating was speechless.

The next morning, I did the same. This time, I just blinked to change the colors of the sky to purple, red, orange and other colors. It became automatic where I didn't even have to blink or lift my hand to create. It brought remembrance; I create automatically and instantly here and now. It was in me as myself, I was 'it'.

Then, Rama showed in the air and my heart melted, so I stopped.

He's not giving up.

He descended, letting me know he missed me after we hadn't seen each other for some time.

"I want to hold you," he said.

We went to the beach. He held me in his arms, I made strawberries appeared with a whip cream. Rama dipped a strawberry in it then put it in my mouth. We sat admiring the ocean, with the cool sea breeze brushing against us. I turned around looking at him, and we kissed.

"Be with me. Marry me," he said, though I didn't say anything. Even though I was caught between two loves, and loved Rama dearly, yet Krishna was the only husband. Later I went home to Krishna, only to witness at least ten women gathering around listening to him playing his flute for them. They saw me, and were afraid. They turned away and glanced at the floor.

"Leave! Now!" I shouted.

They all ran, scurried off but not fast enough, so I reached my hand blasting my golden energy at them, pushing them off into the bottomless universe. I stood quiet then walked toward Krishna, grabbed the flute from his hand and threw it. Another version of him caught it. Immediately I treaded away hurt, unsure how to resolve the marital despair.

What do I do?

As I strolled, he threw his musical tool my way. I caught it, understanding something needed to be done. It deeply incurred pain to see him throwing away his beloved instrument. I closed my eyes wanting to cry, realizing the magnitude of his pain.

What the heck is going on?

As I kept walking, I said, "I remember. I remember I create all this: marriages, relationships, families, marital disputes, love affairs."

It was going on now eternally; I was the cause of all of it.

I remember.

The love with Krishna was unshaken, it had no ending or beginning. He was my all – the love of my life – my own, true Soul. Every road, love, and marriages led my way back to him. Tears rolled down my face realizing I had to face Rama and break off the relationship. Unsure if I could do it since my love for him was immeasurable, too. Nonetheless, I left to see him with a heavy heart. My inside was falling apart, slowly taking steps to where he was. He sat looking into the empty universe quiet when I walked in.

"You didn't have to come," he said. The floor was clear energy, in the empty space similar to where Krishna and I resided.

"You don't need to be here."

I stood silent watching his back, turning around slowly in pain to see him in such state. Gently, I took a few steps, but stopped as I couldn't move forward.

Rama.

I turned around, rushing towards him to hug him.

"It's okay. It's okay," I consoled embracing him in my arms.

"It's only okay if you are here," he responded, though I didn't say anything. "It's Krishna."

"It's okay, Rama," I continued comforting and hugging him tightly.

"Do you love me?" he asked.

"Completely," I said.

"Having your love is enough," he said momentarily, putting me at ease hearing it. Suddenly I stood in front of Krishna, above the ocean.

"Want to marry again?" he asked. I nodded.

The Gods and Goddesses were present watching us having another marriage. It appeared Rama helped me realize Krishna was the only God for and in me, that I couldn't be or go anywhere without him. Glancing at Krishna, he was Rama, as well. Following our union, we kissed then he flew us deep into the bottom of the ocean to make love. My eyes opened wide in disbelief.

"First time?" he asked.

"First time," I answered.

Making love to Krishna was limitless. The deeper I delved inside his energy, there was no end, and there was no word to describe.

"I love you so completely, so deeply and so truly, Krishna. There's no limit to my love for you," I told him.

Later, we sat in the sand enjoying the ocean.

"My only wife," he said, which immediately brought an understanding, he didn't marry the three Goddesses, but made love to them. I pushed his arm away. He put it around my shoulder again, but I removed it, then soared in midair shooting golden energy balls at him. All of them hit the Divine God, though he sat laughing.

"My wife is mad," he said.

With the whole ocean in my hand, I dumped the water on him; however, he continued laughing. The water became like water in a bucket as if I was splashing it on him.

Up in sky, the sun became completely bright, so Krishna asked the Sun God to shine at his brightest my way. When he did, I melted then stepped out of my form. It happened at least three times until I could stand in front of the Sun God, without melting.

Krishna sat in the same place watching; I shot fire balls, like comets fell from the sky hitting him all over. Again, he laughed as he was invisible, indestructible. Soon, knew what I had to do. Way in air, I stripped off my clothes and let only my energy show. At this point, my energy was deeply pure, although I wasn't sure if it was very light, clear white or shiny, sparkly diamond or gold. Suddenly, I didn't hear any laugh. He stared, speechless.

"I hear no laughs, my love! What happened? Krishna!"

He didn't follow even though I soared to a different place and disappeared. He was in the same position, staring without sound. It seemed I could go the farthest distance, he could see me, as if I was in front of him.

"Are you laughing now, Krishna?"

However, he continued to watch with no words. While observing him, I was soft. He was completely adorable, so I descended.

"Come here," I said sitting by his side, then leaned over for a kiss. "I love you."

Later, he carried me along the beach.

"You're getting heavy," he said, though he continued. He let me down shortly, I pouted.

"Okay, hop on my back." It made me smile. "I only make love to you, my love, just you, my one and only love."

Since I was jealous seeing him with other women, but what he said meant much deeper. There was no one else except Self. Nonetheless, it touched my core of how truly, sincerely caring he was about how I felt. Realizing as he was carrying me - how I could only be with him. He was my beginning and ending, our love was eternal. Now I knew who he was. He was myself, and I was he - one and the same – the husband and wife. His love, our love was absolute, pure, and bottomless. He was my one, only true love.

### Chapter 74

Afterwards, we sat watching the calming sea at sunset. He flew to the middle of the ocean, standing nearly 10 ft. above water then lay down. I headed to lie next to him, but instantly realized he wanted to make love, so I made shiny and sparkling golden stars fall on us, before making pink and white lotus flowers drop, covering the water. He manifested fireflies blinking everywhere, then turned the entire ocean into glistening gold.

"You're a magnificent God," I said.

We kissed, and I immersed my energy into his, where there was only completeness of love and romance, as our energies dissolved into one. The love was absolute; there was nothing else, besides this pure and indescribable affection.

"I love you eternally, Krishna," I said and delved deeper into him. Now I was inside his energy completely. He came to meet, we continued kissing, melting, and fading into one another even more to where there weren't me or him, but immeasurable God love itself. It nearly caused tears in my eyes, unable to fathom the infinite love inside for him and with him. Later, he held me. I stared into the sea absorbing the moment.

"I can go more," I said.

"You're ready?" he asked.

"When you're with me, I can do anything," I replied softly. There wasn't any doubt of Krishna's love. Not even a bit. He never left. He couldn't and wouldn't. He was me and I was he, a union.

Next, I was by myself admiring the calming sky. Vishnu appeared in gold pants, with a golden crown on and had four arms; I smiled then flew to him.

"I miss you," I told him.

We soared into the universe, and I found myself making love to the Maintainer. Shortly, I reclined holding the globe in my hand, then made at least ten arms appear, lounging and watching the entire universe as Vishnu.

Then, I was inside Krishna's energy again. He pushed me in a white swing. Suddenly it switched to Rama pushing. I wore a white dress with a white flower crown on my head.

Moments later, I was intimate with Krishna, continuing where we left off and going even deeper into him. He came to meet. The love became truly, profoundly overwhelming and powerful engulfing my whole. All I wanted to do was cry though couldn't.

"It's okay, my love," he said.

However, I shrank smaller and smaller until I was gone. The golden light exploded everywhere, as I now turned into endless golden air.

"God! God!" Krishna yelled, watching as I was the golden radiant Universe.

Later, I resumed my form and lay in golden energy amidst powerful love absorbing my entirety. It became overly immense, to where I couldn't endure, as the all-powerful love taking over.

"Krishna!" I yelled. He came. I went to hug him tightly, before wrapping my legs around him.

"I'm staying! I'm staying! I'm not leaving!" I shouted.

"You're with me. You're with me. It's okay," he consoled.

Continuing holding onto him, I wanted to fly away from this great and absolute love which I encountered many times, yet didn't stay due to its enormous strength that could move Heaven, Earth and Hell in one. Regardless, this time, I held on no matter what. As the energy taking my completeness all the way, I kept saying: "I'm not leaving! I'm staying! Krishna!"

"I'm here. You're with me, my love," he comforted, but just a bit later he left, letting me do it on my own. Holding on despite I wanted to come out, I yelled:

"Aahhh! Aaahhhh! I'm staying!"

Soon I sat in meditation, allowing myself to be with it regardless how extraordinary powerful it was.

"I let go. I let go. There's no 'me' completely. I'm staying," I said.

I fell backwards, due to dizzy, though I lay unmoving and deeply consumed by its power like nothing could truly define it.

"I can do it! I can do it! I'm doing it now! I'm doing it now! I can do it! I can do it!" I screamed wanting to leave, though I held on clenching my fists together.

No matter how great its strength was, I stayed unmoving letting the energy utterly absorbed my whole. Whatever it was going to take, life or death, I wasn't leaving. Truly, it would be the easiest to fly out, as I did on a few occasions. However, it was time to be it, accept it, welcome it since this was who I was - God. The ultimate energy of love, and only when I was deeply empty and ready, that this infinite power could come through in full strength.

Krishna came to lie next to my side subsequently.

"You're my husband eternally now, my love," I said softly.

"I am always," he replied. We made love before chasing each other inside ourselves. We relaxed some more.

"Want to go get ice cream?" he asked.

"Sure," I answered.

Next, I was at an ice cream parlor getting vanilla ice cream in a sugar cone cup and sat outside on a wooden bench during summer day. The sky was without clouds, waiting for Krishna on Earth. The parking lot was full. He took a different form, fair skin with black hair and of average height and build, wearing white shirt with black stripes, black jeans, and sneakers. Watching him walking my way, I said, "God, I love him."

It was though I could do anything with him being with me.

"What flavor is that?" he asked.

"Vanilla," I replied. "Want to try?" I put near his mouth. He slowly tried to get a taste.

"Like it?" I asked until I smeared it all over his lips. "Oops!"

Gently, I smiled. "I can help you with that." So, I kissed and sucked it off. He smiled.

"You wanted me to do that," I said pouting; I was tricked. "Want to get a hotel?"

"What's that?" he inquired. I beamed.

"I will show you," I replied amused inside. This was our first time on a date on Earth. We got a regular hotel room that had modern lamps sat on glossy wooden dressers and a TV.

"Let's have a family," he suggested after we made love.

"Yeah? Okay," I replied, smiling.

Later, we were home. Our place of stay was now inside the golden energy with one bed. Didn't let him know whether I wanted to be pregnant or not. If I didn't, he would make little Krishna appear depending on how many we wanted.

Due to having a surgery on my cyst, I wasn't able to meditate for a few days. Despite the surgery went well, but my reactions to anesthesia were awful, that I cried and puked all the way home, with severe dizziness.

Santi left to his grandparents one afternoon, as I was still recovering. During meditation, I was without form, but consciousness itself watching Krishna in light fog somewhere unknown.

"There's no more you," he said. His comment incurred fear without doubt I wanted to shed tears understanding this was the extinction of conditioned self.

"I'm Love. Energy that is love," I replied. "Krishna! Krishna! Krishna!"

I wept momentarily. There was this fear, as I already lost all of who I was and became completely self-less, all was for this absolute, bottomless, and powerful love. Resuming my form, I came to embrace him tightly then hopped on him bawling, "Krishna. Krishna. Krishna."

All he did was held me.

"I'm with you eternally. Never part again."

"Never part again," he said.

We walked holding hands. I stopped the meditation.

### Chapter 75

The next day in meditation, Krishna and I lay lounged in front of a swimming pool enjoying the sun. Sometimes he would turn into me and I was with myself. It seemed I was still scared of the unknown, so I would hold his hand even when we lay together in the same lounging chair. At times, I'd go inside him and come out. Often I found myself without him by the pool. While standing in front of it, suddenly I sucked all the water from the pool, inhaling it into my stomach.

Immediately I was in the ocean letting the water out from my mouth, as if it was shooting from a water fountain. Fish net appeared in my hand, I tried to catch fish with it, but the net had no bottom when I lifted. I couldn't catch any.

I'm missing something. I'm not getting something.

I finally caught one in my mouth. A tree appeared in the ocean. I walked to sit under it, before the entire ocean abruptly dissolved into dry sand. Suddenly I was in a big fishing boat with a couple of fishermen and Buddha. We caught bundles of fish in the net that could feed a whole village. Wow!

Afterwards, I sat next to Krishna. He peeled an orange then put it in my mouth. I ate it. Next, I looked at a golden metallic, as if it was another world. Krishna was inside it, so I went in. He was all gold inside and out. Soon, I too, had turned into all gold. We kissed then made love. Momentarily, we were elsewhere lying inside a bed in empty air, until I left to search for Lakshmi in the Universe.

"Lakshmi!" I yelled then paused. "Lakshmi!" And stopped, then yelled, "Lakshmi!"

Not successful in locating her, I returned to Krishna, unsure of reason for my search for the Goddess. Usually if I was go to higher, Krishna, Brahma or Vishnu would be the ones to guide. Lately, it had been Krishna or Buddha.

A couple days later, I wasn't as comfortable with things, which I couldn't truly explain; however, I noticed my memory was worse. My friend asked the day of my surgery, but I wasn't quite certain of which day or was there a day or even a night, and ended up telling her a wrong day, as if I didn't know much different or it didn't matter realizing I didn't have much or live in memories, or had any thoughts. It appeared I only had some to survive. Most of my thoughts were brief and they'd be gone as they never came. Then I took medicine to help with pain, but didn't recall if I took it just a bit later. When asked my friend and my niece; they all informed that I did take the medicine. They were other things occurring simultaneously, so I'm not definite how to elaborate. Changes happened quicker than I could grasp.

Even when trying to process with Sean, I was unable to find words to describe what was transpiring within, since I myself wasn't certain of it or what was changing couldn't be put into words. At night time I came up with a quote to post on social media, though I wrote the phrase plenty of times in various ways that I got headaches. Obviously something was going on, yet truly didn't know what. Another example was, I found myself went back and forth on things. If I liked someone's post on social media then I disliked it, and seconds later liked the post, before disliking it.

In the middle of the night, I woke to use the restroom and couldn't fall back asleep. I searched for Lakshmi.

"Lakshmi! Let's take this to the highest until I burst into flames! Let's do this! I'm ready!" I shouted.

After hearing myself, I was a bit frightened of what I meant by "bursting into flames." It could be another transformation I was afraid to undergo. Shortly I found her. She sat in meditation wearing red mixed with gold sari and a golden tiara on her head.

"Are you ready?" she asked while I stood facing her.

"Yes," I answered, but immediately excused myself to go tell Krishna.

It seemed he and I already had two kids. He played with them. After he was informed, I returned to see the Goddess. We were at the old pond where Krishna and I had resided. The water was murky this time; however, I dissolved it until it dried. A light grew out of Lakshmi's forehead, shining just like a headlight of a car or a flash light. In the middle of observing her, she asked: "The husband?"

"Home with the kids," I replied.

Then a light shone from my forehead just like hers. We both looked around the dim atmosphere until I stopped.

"What is it?" she asked.

"I need to go let Krishna know one more time," I told her. It seemed I was reluctant, though I wasn't certain of a true reason. It could be my fear of going deeper into the unknown. The kids were asleep, so Krishna and I made love.

"I love you," I said. "I will be with Lakshmi for a little bit. It won't be long."

"Go see her," he said.

At the pond, there were many lights shining like flashlights. Lakshmi still looked around with light displaying through her forehead. I did the same looking everywhere. She also did something else, which I followed and did the same, but couldn't fully remember it. Then, I stopped.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Maybe I need to go tell Krishna again," I said.

"You already did," she said.

"I know, maybe one more time?" I went on. "Can he come here with the kids?"

"It's not a place for husband or kids," she replied.

"Fine! Let's do it!"

We continued turning every direction, with lights emitting through our foreheads.

"Is this the third eye?" I asked.

"It's God eye," she replied.

No wonder Krishna could still see me after I disappeared from him.

I must've fallen asleep during meditation. Santi woke then got me up, so I headed downstairs to brew coffee. We made plans to meet my friend and her daughter at playgrounds that morning. Before that, we had to pick up his cousin following finishing his mac-and-cheese breakfast. I went upstairs to shower while he ate. Sometimes Santi didn't like eating by himself. It could take a long time for him to finish his meals. Although eating with him could take an hour, no difference. Nevertheless that morning he was asked to eat on his own so we could all go and enjoy ourselves. It was perfect weather to be outside following the humidity in past weeks.

After showering, I came down to check. He ate two bites of his food. It infuriated me after reminding him to eat, even during the shower.

"No finishing breakfast, no playgrounds then. No cousins, no friend. We stay home," I said angrily.

He followed asking to go to the playgrounds, pick up his cousins and go see his friend. "That means you need to go finish your breakfast, Santi!" I yelled loudly. He started whining and crying, though I stood my ground.

"No breakfast; no play!" I sternly reiterated, then ran upstairs to change fuming deeply inside. He continued with the crying and whining downstairs, and I became even more furious, so much so that I screamed extremely loud.

"Stop! Stop! Stop! Just stop!!!"

I clapped my hands because I was tired of the whining and the crying that had been going on for at least six months or more. He continued, not stopping, I screamed from the top of my lungs, so vocal that the neighbors probably heard the yelling down the street. I slammed the door a couple of times where it could break. He stopped, and I couldn't believe what just happened. I sat on the floor hurting and crying.

"What's going on with me? What's going on?" I said, crumbling down. Not too long, I got up from the floor, came to sit on my bed and sobbed so hard and allowing the energy to go through. A bit later, I was calmer and able to listen deeper. It was no doubt I encountered the same old thing.

"I don't know how to accept myself. I don't know how to accept myself. I don't know how. I don't know how," I said with my eyes full of tears.

Then I shut my eyes continued listening, and suddenly saw myself strolling down a dim hallway. A door appeared halfway open with white light shining. I stood aside looking to see what was on the other side, until I entered. I floated in white air before seeing something similar to white/gray bubbles and floating as if I was in a lava lamp. Soon I recognized the place. I came out of it holding a clear globe in my hand, observing the liquid bubble moving in it. It was where I was with Krishna when he reclined looking at this very globe.

The globe disappeared, then folding hands surfaced everywhere in the open atmosphere inside the universe. I dropped down and cried.

"I always am. I always am. I always am me. I am always La Kingsavanh."

More folding hands emerged, and I kept saying, "I always am. I am always am. I accept. I accept. I accept me. I accept myself."

Moments later, I drifted upward in empty air and saw a door, although it was smaller than the first one with white light reflecting. I walked toward it, and opened it. Amidst ascending a few steps, another appeared. I opened that door. Then, I was on my back again sobbing.

"I always am. I always am La. I always am."

Buddha showed, sitting not too far under a big tree. He was bigger and taller.

"I always am. I always am," I said, continued weeping and holding myself.

"Buddha," he added.

He held up two brown rice bowls full of dirt or sand with a lotus flower or some sort of flower on each bowl dumping both at the same time. The bowls sat empty in front of him then endless of blown out candles appeared behind him. I sat up to observe with eyes full of tears. Inside was still pain. There were a few lit candles, but instantaneously they were all blown out.

"It's all extinguished!" he said. "You are now no longer of this world and the world is no longer of you. You are part of it, and none of it."

Suddenly I sat in front of Krishna on the other side of the pool, weeping just a bit. However, the water in the pool was smaller almost like a bathtub, indicating I had more of myself to face. He glanced my way after he tossed a beach ball. He was playing with our kids before I appeared.

"That was a big one," he said. Buddha arrived momentarily; he was all over in the clouds and in the air. "Buddha."

I opened my eyes, came out of meditation more at peace. Few seconds later, I headed downstairs to see how Santi was doing. He browsed through his comic books, sitting on the floor.

"Say sorry," he said.

"Come here," I said opening my arms wide ready to hug him. "I love you, my baby, my love. Thank you so much. I'm sorry."

"You yelled and slammed the door, mommy," he went on.

"I know. I did. But who is mommy mad at?" I said.

"Yourself," he answered.

"That's right, my love."

At the playgrounds, I noticed as I observed. Everything - this world, was a place of enjoyment.

At night near bedtime, I found myself doing skips on water during meditation saying, "Yippee! Woohoo!"

The atmosphere was gray, though I hopped and hummed. One time, I allowed myself to go deeper into the water to about chest level then emerged back, but didn't get wet, and continued skipping. Quan Yin arrived sitting on a pink lotus seat in midair.

"I tell you, you shine the purity of a thousand suns," she said. It instantly invoked something inside, sending chills through my whole and I was touched.

"I remember. I remember. It was me. I said it," I remarked. "I remember. I remember. I said it."

I walked toward her. She descended.

"Quan Yin," I said.

"Quan Yin," she said.

Then I soared to sit on the pink lotus seat. My hair changed from in a bun to straight sitting on my shoulders, and from having a gray t-shirt and purple checkered shorts on, to wearing a golden outfit.

I shouted crying tears of joy, overcoming with love, and remembering who I was.

"My eternal beloved! My eternal beloved! My eternal beloved!"

My eyes had some tears. Krishna showed up, standing next to Quan Yin.

"You got a good one," she said to him then left.

I descended, approaching him.

"Come here," I said.

"There's nowhere for me to go or be except right here with you," he said embracing me.

He flew us to our new white bed floating in the open air, in front of white and milky energy mixing together. He lay with hand supporting his head. I added blinking white stars into it. Afterwards, I sat watching to see if there was more to add.

"Anymore?" he asked.

"No," I said.

"Then come here," he said.

I touched his face.

"My God," I said, before we made love. Lately, I would often say this during our love making. Then, we lay relaxing saying love phrases to one another.

"How about this?" I said. "Krishna, to know you is to love you, to be you and one with you."

"You sacrificed everything to be with me," he shared.

"There's nothing I couldn't or wouldn't do for you," I responded remembering it was always what he and Vishnu had said to me and now it was me saying it to him.

"La, to know you is to love you, to be you, to cherish and treasure you without beginning or end, eternally, my one and only love."

After he finished, I had no words to utter except.

"Wow! Wow! So beautiful. Wow!"

"Let's make love," he suggested.

"All night?" I asked this time.

"All night. All day. Eternally," he replied.

This means I have to make endless of myself appear to help out.

Gently, I started to kiss his chest and slowly making my way to his neck and then kissed his soft lips. As we were getting into to it, I soared to the sky making shimmering stars and a white crescent moon appeared. I sat on the beaming moon.

"If you want me, Krishna, come and get me," I said. Both of his hands were under his head watching. However, he didn't come. I gestured my hand to strip off my clothes. It took less than a second for him to be right in front of me.

"I love you," I said.

"And I love you," he said.

Afterwards, I lay inside his arms naked, though white roses grew between my legs. He grabbed them and gave them to me. Scared at first of thorns, as I sat to observe carefully; however, they were no thorns only green stems, with leaves. Many more appeared, but some had old brown thorns. To take them away, I gestured my hand. They flew off, but hit Krishna like flying needles when he sat up, yet none hurt him. I came of out meditation.

### Chapter 76

Though I was more at peace inside, and noticing the changes inwardly, yet couldn't truly elaborate them in words precisely. Things were much more instant, here and now even so than before, and my forgetfulness continued to be worse. Once I dropped my nephew off at his house, I was to go to a supermarket nearby to purchase tooth paste and mouth wash, but drove almost all the way home not remembering I was supposed to go in the first place. My favorite song played on the radio two minutes I was home. I rode around the blocks listening then remembered.

The other day, my brother-in-law asked me to go buy cream cheese so they could make more egg rolls; however, I wasn't sure what it was.

I asked, "What is that?"

The following day, I wanted to purchase a new smart phone, but Sean was adamant for me not to. We argued a bit before entering the store, while the energy within was completely overwhelming, as if I could explode into pieces. What was happening was unexplainable. Santi and my nephew tagged along. On our way home I became furious as I was already inside the store. Sean informed about how we couldn't afford a new phone and went on about how he was the only one working to provide for all of us. Wanting to buy a new phone was no doubt to have a distraction from what was transpiring inside. My energy was greatly tremendous as it swirled, so I said: "I just want to leave! I will leave!"

"Leave then!" he said. Then Santi got involved, telling to do the same - 'leave'.

"If you want me to leave, I will leave! You'll be motherless!" I yelled.

Sean got angry with me for saying hurtful things.

"It's done! There's nothing I can do! There's nothing I can do. It's done!" I shouted.

This was something else entirely. At the moment of driving home I kicked the glove box and banged on the car door. At this point I was highly tempted to open the door and jumped into a busy street. As I kept looking at the car handle, I slowly reached for it, but then stopped and tried to face the extraordinary energy inside. Also, I didn't want the kids to be traumatized witnessing my death. It seemed I couldn't contain it and didn't know how to handle the magnitude of this energy; it was truly strong as if Heaven and Earth could be move by its strength. It was almost all of sudden, without much warning, the energy raised immensely, to where I could burst into bits.

Sean and the kids dropped me off. I went upstairs crying, surprised with such powerful energy I didn't create storms, although it came an hour later, knocking everything down. But it stopped after two minutes I switched the thought.

Lying on my bed I said, "I don't seem right. I don't seem right. I seem off. I seem off. I'm not right. I'm off. I seem off. I don't seem right."

I saw myself walking across a gray bridge made of only energy when I closed my eyes crying. Everywhere was dark gray air similar to light fog, not too dense. Once crossing to the other side, I dove into a wormhole that appeared. Soon as I traveled through, I encountered a round door similar to a manhole lid, with light emitting through small holes of it. I pushed it and popped out. Abruptly I turned pure white light energy and shot very high in open bottomless space and heard, "Supersoul. Supersoul."

I strode on energy repeating with tears: "I seem off. I don't seem right. I seem off." A light switch appeared with an "off" button. Then I lay crying staring in an empty air until baby Krishna appeared handing me the golden flute. The instrument was a bit different this time, though I couldn't precisely describe the look.

"Play the flute of your soul," I heard, which was the same thing he had told when first seeing his idol at a Hindu temple, almost a decade ago. Moments later, I got treading in the dim universe and saw Quan Yin.

"Quan Yin," I said crying. When I came close, I lay on her lap full of tears.

"Quan Yin," she said wiping my tears. "Many things are going on. Go through it." Afterwards, I stood up walking a bit calmer understanding more of what was occurring inside, but had no words to translate.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

Inside, all I wanted to do was run, hide, leave, and escape though she knew it. While standing watching the misty, sandy colored energy in front, I replied: "I'm going to the pond."

Making a choice to go there would help reflect; as well choosing to face what was taking place head on.

"Your husband is a great source to go to," she reminded, though there was no desire to go to Krishna at that moment. Elsewhere, I created a new pond. It could be I was low on myself for saying hurtful things to Santi.

I stood in water looking at pink lotus flowers with white swans swimming, but didn't stay, and shortly found myself at an old pond. The entire area was covered with pink and white flowers and white swans swimming. Pink and white flower trees were in every corner. Despite it was breathtaking, since hurting inside; this didn't cheer me much.

"Krishna?" I said standing in the air observing.

He appeared sitting in midair near the top of a flower tree. I looked at him vulnerable.

"I've waited. Come here," he said.

I came close and hugged him sobbing.

"The changes are happening quickly at once," he comforted, holding me and stroking my hair.

"I'm so scared. I'm so scared," I said.

"You'll make it," he said.

After a lying inside his arms briefly, feeling better I said, "Thank you, my love."

"I'm nowhere without you, always with you. I can't be without you. You're my ultimate love," he said.

I came out of meditation with deeper understanding of what was happening. It seemed "I" was done. The switch was now 'off', it only meant "I" was 'no longer of this world and the world was no longer of me' like Buddha had put it. 'I was part of it and none of it'. That night I couldn't sleep, with only hurt inside and facing residual conditions that surfaced.

It was frightening when major changes happened because it seemed I was only a step away of hurting or ending my life. It was traumatizing and lonely at times because I couldn't explain what was happening as if it couldn't be said in words, like there was nothing to say, at all. It was no doubt a lonely road to journey, which invoked deeper realization that no one could help except for myself. When Buddha said, "No one could save you, but yourself," was completely true. It had to be La to do it for herself.

Furthermore, I understood how much strength it took to arrive to this point. It took you could say the God strength – Krishna's strength to do it and it would take such strength to be able to it all the way, although I wasn't sure what "all the way" meant. It was what was inside that emerged purely. More and more as I reflected, it appeared what I was going through was next to impossible to do, deeply and truly nearly impossible where there were no words to clarify.

Now it was scary to move forward, nothing was certain, for instance if I wouldn't cause harm to myself if the transformation became unbearable. Although it was liberating to undergo changes, bringing complete strength and having less fears.

By allowing everything to take place, within was deep connection, non- separation from anything; I was the Source of it all. Everything came from myself, not separating from anyone. People's screams, cries, laughs, and when music played on radios, they were my own – the Source. As the individual, conditioned self was put away, the Self, who I was completely took over.

The next day was Santi's birthday, though I wasn't too cheerful inside and tired from lack of sleep. Mid-morning, I took him and my nephew to get toys at a store for his birthday. On the way, I saw a movie theatre, which undoubtedly made me want to go see a movie, to relax. As the morning progressed, I was better despite my feeling of loneliness inside, since almost ending my life. Seeing my face in the mirror was no different than looking at someone who had been stressed, drained and exhausted for days.

Nevertheless, I thought about Krishna's love, how immeasurable, unmovable, and bottomless his love was. It seemed no matter what, he would be there to help, guide, and walked me through, loving me, with his all. After the family left from celebrating Santi's birthday, I went upstairs to get ready for the night and relax.

While brushing my teeth and closing my eyes, Krishna was waiting by the pond, sitting on the flower tree. I went to kiss him.

"I don't know what to say. Your love is unimaginable, Krishna," I said. "I have no words to describe my love for you. You're my ultimate love. You're my one true God."

Later, lying inside his arms after we made love, I asked: "Am I still yours?"

"There's no doubt. No question," he replied.

"I'm ready to go more," I said.

A bit in disbelief once hearing myself, since I was still in some ways going through changes, hurt, and was afraid inside.

"You're ready?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied then opened my eyes.

After resting for few minutes in bed, I closed my eyes and saw myself walking on a semi dark gray bridge. Everywhere was filled with energy, with countless Buddha statues. Once I crossed, I slid through a long black zigzag tube. It seemed like a blood transfusion, but it wasn't the case although I was somewhere with only air, bottomless atmosphere.

"She's going all the way," I heard.

Subsequently traveling the tube surrounded by Buddha statues in the universe, I eventually reached the end of it, yet only to find innumerable gray statues of Buddha far and wide in bottomless dim, gray air. I arrived to this area before, but back then it contained only wooden light poles, with actual ground filled with gray fog. Then I soared really high seeing another Buddha idol, that had light shining in its mouth, I went in.

Now I ascended the stairs, with blue and green energy instead of dark gray. As I kept going, a door appeared. I opened it and entered. Going upward, I arrived to another atmosphere that was similar to previous ones, with only Buddha statues near and far in groundless space. After my observation of the statues, I reclined with one hand cushioning my head, just like Buddha then got up and strolled. Shortly I encountered a Buddha figure that was lighter than other ones, able to move, so I sat in front of it.

"You have arrived," it said. "What is your name?"

"I'm unnamed, but I took a name as La Kingsavanh," I answered.

"What is your face?" It continued.

"I have no face, but I took a face as La Kingsavanh."

"What is your form?"

"I don't have form, but I took form as La Kingsavanh."

"So you are," it paused.

"I'm the nameless, the faceless, and the formless! The great unknown!" I yelled standing up.

"There you go," it said, pointing with its hand a direction I should go. I came to a round circle, where energy displayed from above on white/gray energy cluster or some sort with four corners of white/gray energy connecting to it, the statue said: "Your power!"

"I have come to claim it!" I said.

I flew to sit in the middle of the cluster, as energy traveled in me like electricity going through a circuit. Soon, I became all energy, shooting myself way high, like a rocket into a sky.

"Supersoul!" I heard.

In an open light sky, I soared freely like a jet saying: "Woohoo! Yay!"

Suddenly a thought of Krishna emerged, wanting him to see what I was doing, so I yelled: "Krishna! Krishna!"

"She doesn't forget you," I heard Buddha said to Krishna. They looked up. I soared in my own form to give Krishna a kiss then sailed back into the open.

"Supersoul," said Buddha.

"Supersoul," Krishna remarked.

"Full blown," I heard from one of them.

Flying in the air, a few golden Buddha statues appeared behind. One lay with its hand supporting its head, so I went to lie in front of it, with my hand supporting my head. Krishna showed up to lie directly across, with hand supporting his head.

"You did it again. You went all the way this time," he said.

"I love you," I told him.

"And I love you," he said, touching my face then added: "I'm yours."

Without a doubt it, I beamed. I opened my eyes.

### Chapter 77

The next evening in meditation, I found myself on a white horse with Krishna going somewhere.

"My love, I just went through a big remembrance," I said.

"We'll just ride until you're ready," he shared. I came out of meditation.

A few hours later near bedtime, I shut my eyes. We arrived in front of a big, long light orange with pink color possibly mix into it. It had diamond shape metals in straight rows on it, from top to bottom. The gigantic gate opened, we entered. White energy filled the whole place. He took my hand. We ascended, walking up the air similar to stepping the stairs. He wore the same golden outfit he had on when he lead Arjuna to battles. He and I made love on white bottomless energy.

"I'm yours without beginning or end. You're my God," I said.

Shortly, a wooden stake went right through us; he and I died sticking together.

"What the heck?" I said as he and I stood watching us died.

"Let them be," he said and held my hand heading upward. We made love again. As I was taken by this complete affection with him, we got stuck through another wooden stake. He and I died facing each other.

"Krishna!" I said a bit worried, not knowing what was going on.

Was it the end of him and I as a couple in that way?

"Let's keep going," he said pulling my hand. I came out of meditation.

In the middle of the night, I woke to use the restroom. Unable to fall back asleep, I meditated. This time, I ascended the stairs made of white energy with at least hundreds of Krishna in gold attire stood on both sides and light beaming in the whole area. It looked as I was walking the stairs to heaven, to paradise, or to God. It was breathtaking witnessing him all over while white light radiating throughout.

"It's Krishna's consciousness," I said.

"It's ours," he said, at the bottom watching as I ascended. A diamond ice pick appeared in my hand. When I reached the top, a big shiny diamond a size of a football was placed on a podium made out of air. It had a crack just enough to break with the ice pick in my hand. Once I broke the whole thing wide, white energy sprung. I soared to sit on this energy, before lying on it, as it kept shooting upward.

"God La!" he shouted.

"Come by me, my love," I said. He floated upward watching me lying. "Do you want to make love to me?"

"So much. Finish first, my love. Go all the way up, then we will," he replied.

The energy stopped at the very top. All of Krishna on both sides vanished except one who lay by my side. Now we were completely high lying on purest air. I immersed my energy into his, noticing there was no difference, as light milky white intertwining together, dissolved in oneness of our union; the absolute and indescribable love. If there was heaven, this would be it. I lay ungrasp of what was going on, in the deepest and absolute peace.

"This is your consciousness," I said once more.

"Ours, my love. One. Love," he said.

Then, we stood in front of the pond, now deserted. The meditation scene switched, I was on Earth carrying a baby on my hip, and wearing a red skirt and dirty white shirt with two other boys watching Krishna working. He sewed something with the sewing machine at an old warehouse. Older tools hung on the wall and opened brown boxes on the floor.

"Krishna, you always work and leave me home with the kids," I said, a nagging wife.

"I have to work," he said.

"Yeah, but you work too much," I continued.

We left together in a black pickup truck. I sat in front holding the baby; the boys were in the back. After they drove off, the scene changed to where he and I stood watching ourselves until we ascended. We went by the pond again. It was desolated with no flowers or flower trees or white swans. We had moved on. Then, we were back lying on white energy.

"It's us again. What do we do now?" I asked.

"Enjoy this eternal bliss. This love," he replied.

"That's it?" I continued.

"And more," he said. Understanding what he meant, I shot into the limitless sky, and blasted golden energy balls at him.

"You mean this?" I yelled continuing blasting at him.

He flew me down.

"I meant this," he said. We kissed, rolling around.

"You're my eternal happiness," I said.

"And you're mine. There's only you in me," he said.

I opened my eyes, and reflected on what I went through to get to this point. With deeper comprehension why my forgetfulness worsened, as if I heard things for the first time, as if I just arrived. I was a beginner beginning; fresh and new like a child.

The following day, Santi and I met with our friends for a play date at an indoor playground. With all the yelling and screaming by thirty or forty kids, a vision of Krishna surfaced holding our son on his shoulder, and I held another on my hip, inside a building similar to a cathedral that held porcelain clay Renaissance artworks in the ceiling.

He looked different, wasn't in the same golden attire anymore, but wore gold pants from his time, shirtless and a golden turban adorned with precious jewels on his head. His skin was blue, yet it was remarkably different. He let our sons ran out the door, until we went after them later. We stood on the roof of a big stone castle observing green grass and trees in other parts of the yard.

"Are our kids okay," I asked.

"They are fine. They are playing," he informed.

We flew higher to the very top of the castle. Soon, we were on white, light energy. He lay down with both of his hands underneath his head, while I sat in front of him about to make love. Slowly and softly, I kissed his stomach, but stopped because it was indescribable to watch his skin closely, so I sat to observe him from head to toe in such deep peace, utmost serenity, love, and calmness.

"You're beautiful," I said gently, never had I seen such flawlessness, and continued observing him carefully unable to keep my eyes away from perfection. He was utterly pure with very light, clear white energy that was truly immaculate and untouched.

"You're perfection."

In awe by his presence and his faultlessness I could hardly speak, only could cry of such deep and bottomless joy from the depth of my soul.

"From you everything is born."

"From us," he said.

"You're the Magnificent One," I continued because I couldn't stop, spoke softly taken by it. "You're the perfect God, the Ultimate God."

"Come here," he said whereas I sat staring, ungrasp of his magnificence and brilliance. It appeared I wasn't just in front of my eternal love, yet in the presence of pure and absolute God.

"Everything begins and ends with you, living and non-living. You're Incomprehensible. The All Powerful."

"Come here," he said again, so I lay on his chest.

"You are a complete perfection. I can't be without you," he said. I lay on him, had no words, noticing my energy was just like his: purest and untouched. We were identical. Then I lay next to him speechless, in silence, nothing to say of this utmost perfection.

Momentarily, he and I disappeared and became light gold air looking at a complete, flawless white room with black countertop in one part.

"I'm your consciousness. And you're mine. In me, there's only you," he said.

"In me, there's only you. The absolute, purest, and bottomless love," I said.

"One!" he said.

Then, we made love formless, as consciousness itself.

"I like this too," I remarked. We resumed our forms lying next to each other.

"Be with me. Stay with me, eternally," he said.

Why did he say that? Of course!

"I can't go or be anywhere except right here with you. You're my eternal happiness. My ultimate love," I answered then lay on his chest, speechless of what was taking place. It couldn't even be spoken of.

We continued lying in silence holding each other, he said: "This is the ultimate perfection."

### Chapter 78

A few days later, I dreamt of walking on water skipping and hopping with soft sun radiating over the clouds, not too far beyond. Buddha statues were in all places. Once I soared above those pure clouds, I witnessed more Buddha idols reclining, sitting in meditation and standing.

The following day in meditation, the sun emitted peacefully, with Buddha figures all around.

"Nirvana!" I shouted suddenly before flying about observing Buddha idols. "Nirvana!"

The next meditation session, I held the entire Universe with my index finger, tossing it up and down, until I was able to do it without. Suddenly I stood on water under gray and orange clouds, not too far distance above. I lifted water and spinning it, before making little waves to ride. Briefly I treaded, until Krishna appeared in the air. A smile on my face, I played my favorite Thai song.

Indeed, I was flirting. Listening to the song, I gently beamed with sparkly eyes. It had been only myself in meditation for some time, and didn't think he would show, though didn't know what to anticipate. Largely, there was no expectation and thought none about it. Then, I created little place to sit to soak my feet, smiling and coyly glanced at him then at the water while the love song played. The entire universe contained only this tune.

The lyrics of the song: "I just want you to know I like you the first time I saw you. I will follow you everywhere you go. My heart isn't settled because of my love for you. If you're mine, I'll be happiest."

The words were fitting to how I felt and the situation I was in, even though I never thought the song I had been listening to, for the last week would go nicely. I opened my eyes.

In the evening following my nightly jog, I showered and shut my eyes. Again, I stared at Krishna, flirting and the same tune played at the same place. He observed his flute then glanced my way, lying on his side in the air. We gazed, stared at one another with no words. My inside was filled with joy. Yet, I wasn't certain why I was attracted to him, if I was falling for him again, as if we just met. In addition, I wasn't sure why I said, "Nirvana." After all, I thought I already had reached the ultimate land.

Why am I flirting with him again as if I am falling in love?

"Oh my God! I fall in love with him over and over again. It never ends. This love can never end," I said momentarily as it hit, all suddenly. This realization brought my knees to the floor. My heart dropped, not expecting to be falling head over heels in love with him, like I did for the first time. It was as if we just met, but we were each other's eternal love. In disbelief, I glanced at him wanting to cry, stunned, as well as not able to verbalize the affection inside.

I stopped the meditation, and was speechless.

"I can't believe I'm in love again. I'm freaking in love!"

It was always he and I together, never parted. He was my eternal love. Looking out my window, I remembered more and more, this eternal love never stopped. It was continuous; the eternal now. I fell in love eternally, like it was all new and never ending.

During my eyes shut lying on my bed, I continued gazing at the Divine God, wordless. The affection for him was unspeakable, infinite. He descended to lie directly from me. My heart melted, taken thoughtlessly without restraints. He wanted to make love, and all in the depth of me I couldn't resist, but just enough to say, "Take me on a date first."

Suddenly the scene changed to a beach atmosphere, filled with palm trees, soft sun, clear skies, and a hammock tied between two trees. We lay across from each other, with a picnic basket and two tall, full glasses of champagne gazing at each other; deeply touched while I watched him.

You're my silence, Krishna. My eternal love.

"Come here," I said.

He leaned over; I touched his face and looked into his eyes.

"My love is eternal."

Even making love changed, formless with no difference. There was no 'he or I'. Afterwards, we lay relaxing observing the twinkling stars in the sky. It was no doubt I made love to myself. At times I had to yell his name, to see him.

At night in meditation, I shot into an empty space. Golden Buddha idols displayed everywhere sitting in meditation pose, wearing green jade mixed with gold saffron.

"My love is eternal!" I shouted.

"We know," I heard Buddha say.

I arrived to an area where there were light, golden Buddha idols sat in a row, and young blue skin adolescent Krishna eating something from a pot. He was mischievous, full of energy like any young teenage boys. The place was bottomless, and many Krishnas appeared above us while light reflected.

"What are you doing," I asked the teenage boy.

"Eating the golden honey," he replied. He gave some in a wooden spoon, and I ate it. We shared the sweet honey, until the adult Krishna shouted: "Krishna!"

The adolescent one quickly put the honey jar away and left. Krishna and I soared into the air. I lay on white energy while he made love to me.

"I love you eternally," I told him.

Then I sat facing him and my form stripped off piece by piece, similar to smokes fading into thin air. Once the physical form was completely gone, I flew up shouting: "I love you eternally, Krishna! You are my eternal love! My love is eternal! My love is eternal! My love is eternal!"

Next, I sat on top of Milky Way. He sat by my side. Momentarily, I delved in its spiral tube.

"She has no fear!" he said.

As I kept going, the tube got deeply narrowed to where I wasn't sure if I could get pass. It brought a realization that the transformation I'd to face would be next to impossible, but I got through the narrowest hole, lacking knowledge of how. I came back to lie next to him, afterwards. He vanished, and I lay leisurely on Milky Way in my gray underwear and tank top.

Vishnu arrived shortly, reclining next Krishna gawking in the air. The scene was no different than two men watching a woman out of a balcony and making comments regarding her sexiness, during sun tanning in her backyard.

"Our wife is truly pure," Vishnu commented.

"My wife," Krishna said. Then they both stared from head to toe. Shortly, I turned from my back to my front. All I wanted at this point was for Krishna to come and make love to me.

"Your wife is forever pure, Krishna," Vishnu continued.

I gestured my hand to take off all my clothes; my energy showed. Vishnu left, although Krishna continued to watch closely like he couldn't keep his eyes away. I pouted. He finally came.

"Such perfection," he said observing me, until we made love.

As days passed, on and off I thought about what Krishna said, "I will make it."

It could only indicate the transformation would be challenging, so I was afraid. Furthermore, I didn't understand why I said, "Nirvana," since I came to it already. "Was this the end, final destination like they say?"

Similarly, every romantic song played on radio brought smiles because I was in cloud nine, head over heels in love. One afternoon sitting on the sofa in the living room, enjoying the nice weather while Santi and his friend played outside, I browsed through pictures of Krishna on the internet and saw a picture of him with Radha, with a caption: "the divine couple."

It was unsettling, so I said: "No! No! It's me! It's me!"

I closed my eyes and immediately saw him standing with his back towards me in empty air. Usually any thought or feeling would no longer exist except what was right there, but this time, I was hurt.

"It's just me! There's no one else! It's me!" I shouted watching him.

"You're Radha," he said.

"No! I'm La!" I shouted.

"In you, there's also she," he reminded, but I kept walking away and yelling.

"No! No! There's just me! There's no one else! There's no one else! There's just me! It's me! I am! I am! There's no one else! I am! I am all that I am! I am all that I am! There's no one else! I accept! I accept! I am God! I am God! There's no one else! I am! There's just me! I am God, just God!"

Swiftly I sat in meditation and light radiated through clouds. I continued shouting the same thing, similar to reciting a mantra. A big golden circle appeared behind, with golden rings or pots spinning. Buddha and Krishna watched. "There's no one else! I am! I am all that I am! I am all that I am! There's no one else! I accept! I accept! I am God! I am God! There's no one else! I am! There's just me! I am God."

The golden circle faded once I stopped.

"She's done," Buddha said.

Krishna flew to where I was, though I frowned then turned my back on him. Even though I understood his action was to help me accept myself.

"There's only you! There's no one else! Just you! Just you! I love you through eternity!" He shouted then came to kiss me. We both faded into pure white energy, kissing and immersing into each other. He took us around the globe, circling the entire planet making love.

Loves makes the world go round.

"First time?" he asked seeing my eyes wide.

"First time," I replied.

For the next couple of days, I didn't meditate, reflecting on the meditations from previous days or weeks realizing how precious emotions were including 'jealousy'. Every emotion aided in the process of transforming and remembrance.

I watched TV shows, then listened to songs remembering more and more of Krishna's love and how he promised he would express it eternally. Closing my eyes, I found myself in the same place, inside the bottomless universe shouting.

"You never failed me! You never failed me, Krishna!"

He showed up in his twenties again: blue skin, with gold pants on and a hair band wrapped around his head with a peacock feather.

"I have no words to describe how much I love you. There are no words," I expressed.

"There are no words," he said looking at me, as I looked at him.

"There are no words," I continued. We kept saying until both of us turned formless, making love as we were the Universe. I understood this was _silence._

### Chapter 79

For next couple of days I didn't meditate, but came to realize once more I wanted "all" despite not knowing what it was or what I meant, even though repeating a few times verbally and silently walking upstairs to shower, before heading to my bedroom.

"I want it all! I want it all! Take me! Krishna!" I yelled inside the airy atmosphere.

He didn't show in form although he was listening unseen.

"Please! Lead me! Guide me!" I pleaded, still he didn't come.

"My love! Take me! I want it all! I want it all! Lead me! Guide me!"

He appeared, standing directly.

"I want it all! The Supreme being! The Supreme power! The Absolute God! The Absolute silence! Take me! Please!"

He touched my face and said, "Relax. It's okay. Are you ready?"

"I will do anything for you!" I replied.

"It won't be easy, but you will make it," he reassured. This of course was frightening, fearing it all along after he mentioned it the first time. The fear I experienced couldn't be said in words. Then I opened my eyes, and continued exercising my abdominal not believing what I asked for. Momentarily I stopped; the deep fear emerged and had to take deep breaths.

"I can do it. There's nothing left for me anymore now. I can do it. I can do it."

It seemed every big transformation I underwent recently became of life and death. It happened a couple times now. Doubtlessly, I was in utter states of undeniable and depthless fear that couldn't be put into language. Even so, this wasn't going to stop me. Then I closed my eyes and found myself begging Krishna.

"Don't leave! Stay with me!"

Understanding at the very moment, that it might cost my life, and despite I wasn't deeply afraid of death, but of incomprehensible, strong and powerful energy inside.

"Krishna! Stay with me! Please!"

I dropped on my knees, unbelieving how I would do anything for Self, for Love, for God. He came, knelt down, and lifted my chin.

"I can't leave you. You're my wife," he comforted.

We started walking; I grabbed onto his arm. Little later, I jumped on his back. Just briefly I hopped down, went in front of him, and jumped in his arms. He carried me, but I came down then hopped on his hips.

"My love," he said. In deep fear, in every way, I tried gluing myself to him. The fear within was unspeakable, depthless, unimaginable.

"What?" I said. Then I walked normally next to him, and holding his hand wondering if the golden circle was a portal.

Momentarily we were on a bridge; the atmosphere was dim with nothing. I moved from unexplained fear to skipping and hopping. Then I soared far ahead to cross the long bridge, but Krishna was already there, instantly. Once more, I flew ahead, he was already there. I drew a hopscotch board, and asked him to wait on the side, so I could hopscotch. Afterwards, we moved along though the bridge became unstable, and I was unsteady just a bit, before treading on energy.

"Not bad," he commented. This meant I was very close to be completely one with myself, where there wouldn't be any difference between me and anything. If there was, it would be what I consciously put in to experience differences in myself. The gap now was getting smaller.

We strolled on air; the bridge faded. We arrived to a place which held few nebulae scattered in the sky; however, the entire Universe breathed to the movement of my breath. As I inhaled, it contracted and when I exhaled, it expanded.

"Krishna," I said witnessing this, even though understood this was my oneness, non-separation from Self. Seeing it incited little nervousness, yet there was a deep joy and calmness inside, as well.

Shiva suddenly made an appearance in midair.

"Fuck," I said because seeing the Destroyer added to any fears. This only meant I had to face and destruct something within. It was inevitable whenever he appeared. A couple of nights ago, I dreamt of his attraction towards me, causing Parvati (Shiva's wife) to be jealous that she had to ask me to leave.

"He's yours. He's all yours," I said, almost begging her in some way to keep the God of Destroyer distance from me. To reassure her I was married, I sketched a picture of Krishna, but he happened to be there.

"This is my husband, Krishna," I said then hopped in his arms.

As we continued walking, I looked at Shiva and flew to him.

"Let's do it! Come on!" I shouted, truly tired of my own fear. The atmosphere changed immediately to miniature tornado. It was a destruction of something, soon I got it.

"Let's do it!" I yelled.

I caused the wind to be bigger, stronger to destroy the physical world that was already in ruins. There was only energy left of it.

"How many times and in how many ways do I destroy the physical? How many times and in how many ways? How many times and in how many ways?!" I screamed loudly. Suddenly a relationship I was in blew into the wind of destruction, I screamed: "No! No! No! I can't let him go!"

On my knees, I shed in tears. Moments later, roughly hundred mice ran around.

"Kill them!" Shiva said.

While observing those little gray furry things, I became soft not wanting to end their lives. Maybe I can just let them go.

Swiftly, I remembered being in this situation with Hanuman, where I was vulnerable to kill the mice when he asked me to, realizing the mice represented my insecurity. Despite I was soft and sad to let go, I made fire appeared burning them all, until there was no trace.

Later, I found myself sitting inside a little tent, and King came to sit by my side. Both of us watched a small bonfire at night. He was different this time, though I couldn't explain. He looked like a regular snake, but not quite and still king cobra. Then about fifty snakes slithered in the area, and straightaway I understood why King was there. A hundred more came, I shouted, "King! Get them!"

King transformed himself enormous and as transparent serpent, to devour all the snakes.

"Get them all!" I shouted.

Once he finished, it deepened my understanding of what was going on. In order to gain pure confidence that couldn't be shaken or touched, I had to face my own fears. This was the way to be the Absolute of who I was.

We sat in front of bonfire again. I petted his head, letting him know my love for him, then leaning over to kiss him on his head. Shortly I lay down to go to bed and King wrapped himself around my body to keep me warm as a blanket. He was my beloved snake. It had been by my side for some time. I loved it so deeply as my own soul.

Shortly, a multi-headed serpent came; I got up and went to sleep in it. It turned loose like it was dead and suddenly flew inside my stomach, where I could see it vividly. I gagged, trying to throw up. However, it turned into a snake ball, a size of a soccer ball, shooting out of my mouth into the sky. It headed back my way; I soared to grab it in the air, saw the physical world. I threw the ball at it. The world vanished. Swiftly, I witnessed myself as a snake, shedding off my old skin.

Moments later, I gagged while Shiva scraped anything off from my mouth, with some kind of a mouth scraper. My mouth was bigger than a cow's mouth with slime and other things in it.

"Get it all out!" I told him.

When he finished, I continued doing the scraping. Krishna appeared. My mouth shrank to a normal size. He came with no shirt on, only wearing precious turban and gold pants with exquisite jewelry.

"Where were you?" I asked pouting.

"You had work to do," he replied. On my knees, I coughed out whatever was left.

"Cleanse me!" I told Shiva. "Give me cleanse to purify everything inside me."

The Gods stood looking my direction, a glass of tonic appeared in Shiva's hand. He handed over.

"Yes," I said and drank it. My inside was filled with sparkly liquid like diamonds.

"That's enough," he said while I observed tonic left in the glass. Then, I drank it all. Suddenly I shot into the sky incredibly fast, became white energy, bouncing all over, like I was jolting from having too much of something.

"Ahh! Ooh!" I shouted, jetting back and forth rapidly. Finally, I landed hitting the ground hard.

"Ouch!" I screamed, scraping my elbow although I didn't get up or heal myself since I wanted Krishna to come and get me.

"Ouch. Ouch," I said when he carried me to the tent despite I wasn't in pain, but smiling inside. "It hurts right here."

He lay me down, healed my elbow, and put a blanket over my body. He lay on his side touching my forehead.

"There are no words," he said. "No words at all."

"There are no words," I said since my love for him couldn't even be translated, either.

We lay around briefly, until glimpses of light emerged, and I soared upward passing through them. A beige plastic tube appeared, I slipped through. The tube was slightly bigger than other tubes. The extra space made it easier to pass. The other side held a big golden Buddha statue. I sat in meditation.

"God. Buddha. God. Buddha. God. Buddha," I heard.

More glimpses of light surfaced above, I shot myself incredibly high, but this time I found Krishna sitting on a white throne with clear light displayed in one area. I approached and sat on his lap.

We found ourselves sitting leisurely away from the throne, until I disappeared inside him and sat as he, looking at the universe. I came out, sitting next to him; he went inside me, and sat as La then came out of me.

Shiva appeared in midair. A big twister was forming while I flew up to it. The whole sky turned dark in the middle of windstorm, and it was getting bigger with lightning all around. Then I caused twister even bigger and adding more lightning flashes in the atmosphere covering the entire place. And I created cyclones and hurricanes combining, turning them into unimaginably massive storms. Soon, I could see the enormous, monstrous storms in super strength, as if Heaven, Earth and Hell were heading where I was.

"Come at me! Come at me! I know no fear! I know no fear! Come at me now! I know no fear!" I shouted, pumped. Bullets, knives, arrows and other weapons shot out of the storm, right inside my body, where I could see them all, making their way to the other side as I was clear. I stepped out of my form, but saw my form was Krishna's. It was liberating to let go of my fear by facing it head on, dead or alive. It was to the point I couldn't let it consume my entirety any longer.

"More! More! Give me more! Give me all you've got! More! For I know no fear! For I know no fear!" I shouted loudly, facing it in full strength. The mightier the fear, the depthless, unimaginable strength emerged within me.

It switched to Krishna and Shiva talking as they watched.

"Your wife is very powerful force," Shiva commented.

"The greatest soul I've seen," Krishna added.

The meditation scene it switched back to me: bullets, arrows, and now big missiles speeded my direction. With my arms wide open in the sky, I stood waiting, fearlessly. The missile pushed me, and I let it. Then I got out of its way, as other weapons kept coming. I became invisible, watching the weapons inside. Resuming my form, I saw the twister was still going on, so I went inside the whirlwind and became it myself.

"She's already a Supreme being. All she needs is the Absolute," Krishna said to Shiva.

Afterwards, I descended to lie sideway with my hand supporting my head. Shiva vanished. Krishna lied directly with his hand supporting his head. The area where we were was all white, and light reflected where we lay. He touched my face. I touched his lips, completely taken by this love. Eternally, I fell in love with him constantly never stopped, like it was fresh and new.

"You are everything. Anything. You are all," he said.

"We are so good together. So, so good," I said.

Within me, things were changing again, not really know how to truly explain. The energy wasn't turning; it seemed stagnant or bundled up.

In meditation, Krishna got ready to shoot an arrow. I approached him.

"My God, what are you doing?" I asked.

He released the arrow and I soared along with it, but it was only a string.

The arrow must be dragging it.

"Become the arrow," he said, so I turned formless, though couldn't find the pointy weapon. He let the string dropped. There was no arrow; I strode to stand next to him.

"No more strings," he said.

"No more strings," I repeated. I opened my eyes.

During the day, I wasn't able to deeply listen to what was going, unable to precisely understand changes occurring; however, I texted Sean about wanting a new phone. Two of my friends had them, although it had no significance if I had one or didn't have one. There wasn't much difference, regardless I texted just to text, as I did things with nothing behind or before, with no thoughts attached to my doing: no rhyme, no reason and no purpose. If there was, it instantly faded as it wasn't there initially. How could I be attached to anything since there wasn't much in or to me? "I" was nearly gone.

Unexpectedly, he came at me like a hurricane, and I could feel such tremendous energy aroused inside even more. I got a headache, sitting near the window at a public place with many kids running around.

"Calm the fuck down," I texted it him at least twice. Yet, I didn't distract myself, but stayed with the overwhelming energy which I had been doing lately, and allowing it to travel through completely.

The next day however, when he and I got into an argument; it triggered the enormous energy inside that hadn't subsided, that had been going on. This time it was where I couldn't manage it. At that moment, I didn't know what to do, either leave the house or argue with him until the house burned down, but the kids were with me that day, waiting outside. The intenseness of my energy swirled through immensely.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!" I said loudly silently.

While walking out of Sean's room into the kitchen, I looked at the knives and wanting to hurt myself with them. Seconds later, I walked out of the house and slammed the door hard I might have broken it. Then I got in the car with the kids and wanted to run the car into the garage door, knocking anything down as I couldn't or didn't know how to be with the extreme powerful force taken over again. Lately, I had been completely tired and it was to the point of exhaustion. It could be I was affected by this vastness of energy while undergoing the immense transformation that took every ounce.

As I drove, I wanted to crash into other cars or run the red lights. While overcoming with the energy's extraordinariness, I wanted to 'leave' again.

"I can't leave or escape!" I shouted inside. Soon, I became truly dizzy surrendering to it.

"Bring it on! What more?! Give it all to me! I can handle it! Bring it on!!" I yelled loudly. "I can do this! I can do it! I can do it! I'm doing it! Bring it on!"

Gradually, the energy settled bit by bit as I surrendered, letting it pass through despite it was greatly overwhelming that my head became dizzier, as I could puke. While this energy made its way past a few times, I wasn't as afraid any longer. If I was to die during the transformation, let it be, but I was no longer afraid of it. It became liberation as if I was invisible, nothing could hurt or harm me once it all settled. As I drove observing the road, it seemed different, as if I was driving in a virtual world and nothing was real.

A vision of blood through a window of a car with myself inside surfaced. The blood dripped around my forehead.

"I change this reality. There's no need. I won't hurt myself. I will be with it," I said and it was done. There was not a single doubt to my choice. Literally the powerful energy could take on anything unimaginable. It was truly unbelievable how powerful it was or I was. Then the kids and I went to a drive thru at a fast food restaurant, to get ice cream, once I was much relieved. They enjoyed their sweets; we went for a longer drive.

"If Buddha can do it, I can, too. If others can do it, I can do it. They didn't hurt themselves," I whispered.

Once home, I apologized to Sean.

"For what?" he asked.

"I slammed the door really loud," I said, but he mentioned he didn't hear the bang, so I just left it.

### Chapter 80

The changes were quick. Now if I wanted to say "I love someone" it was to where I couldn't because words couldn't justify it, and furthermore, it didn't seem it was needed to be expressed in words. Inside myself was silence.

Santi fell at the park, though I didn't get up and quickly went to get him. Instead, I sat watching without any reaction although there was complete love and compassion for what he went through. He cried and I held him in my arms, letting him know it was okay. My forgetfulness continued to be worse, not knowing much difference with day, date or month. When asked my friend and Sean what month it was, they both were surprised. Somehow, the more I forget, the more I remembered, and the more I was Self.

One evening after dropping my niece and nephew off, I drove home; everything was like how I first arrived when reaching Nirvana. The sounds of the lawn mower, cars and music were nothing more than just the eternal now, blissful, joyful and deeply serene, with such solitude and tranquility.

A vision of Krishna and I sat relaxing in our abode emerged. Curious while looking at him, of his love for me, since I couldn't even say in words my love for him. Often, we said nothing except being with each other's presence. Shortly I disappeared into him and became Krishna looking at La. Sitting as he, I wasn't able begin to say his immeasurable, infinite, and immaculate love. Language couldn't define the completeness, powerful and purest love which could move Heaven, Earth and Hell all together instantly. When he watched me, it was as though he couldn't keep his eyes off such perfection and flawlessness, although this wasn't just me. This was how he loved – absolute and bottomless; no beginning, middle or end.

His love is powerful! Incomparable! Nothing can compare. So powerful and pure. Absolute! This is the powerful God love.

I came out, observing him almost in tears, moved by the complete and purest affection flowed through the deepest of my core.

"I'm so happy, deeply happy, my love. I'm so happy to take you as me. My husband, my wife. My God, my Goddess. My father, my mother, my son, my daughter. My everything. My nothing. My all. My Absolute." I paused and continued. "I'm so happy to take you as Self. God. Love."

Shortly, he faded; I was by myself until I was much higher beyond the clouds wielding energy. He came, in silver blue garment, matching his turban. Glancing at him wasn't any different than glancing at myself. It wasn't I remembered him as La, but he was myself in another form. I disappeared into him taking Krishna's form and after a bit, I switched back to myself. It seemed I didn't want to be taken over, unable to elaborate it at this point. However, you could say when you see La, you also see Krishna, and when you see Krishna, you also see La. There was no difference.

"I made it! I got it! I'm it!" I said suddenly.

Alone with myself, this time, it didn't matter if Krishna was there or not. If he was, it was just myself. The Gods and Goddesses were present, watching in the air after I finished changing the sky to different colors: blue, red, orange, and so on, just by looking at it. The deities were La in different forms. So, it didn't matter if they were there or not. There was no need.

Later, I left the sky just how it was. It didn't matter if it change or didn't change. All that I was, was what was: the here and the now. The eternal truth that neither had beginning nor ending.

During evening meditation, I put on a white, strapless wedding dress decorated with white roses. My hair was neatly styled in a bun, entering a wedding hall. In my hands I held a bouquet of white roses. A wedding cake was placed on a table with a male doll in black and white tuxedo and a female doll in a white wedding dress facing each other. I stared at the cake wondering who I was marrying since Krishna was no other than La Kingsavanh. It looked as if I was marrying myself. There wasn't any other union.

Shortly, I found myself ascending white steps in open air. Once I reached the highest, I viewed the open sky with no one there. It was La, all along. There was no one else. No other. Everything was peaceful, deeply serene, and silence. I was home.

Whenever I closed my eyes for meditation, I was the only one by myself. After some time, I missed Krishna and called for him. When he showed, he wasn't anyone but myself in every way despite he was in his blue God form. Kissing him was kissing La Kingsavanh, so I stopped. He was completely identical to me: his energy, gestures, words, everything and anything.

Then I searched for Vishnu. Gradually I headed towards the God of Maintainer smiling inside because he was Vishnu, reclining and watching as I approached. Yet, once I lay on him, he was La Kingsavanh, even though he was in his form. Instead of us making love, I lay next to him staring at the sky. Then thought I should go see Shiva.

He was by the sea with his muscular back towards me, wearing tiger skin watching water at night; I hugged him from behind. He turned around, no surprise; he was myself in the form of God of Destruction.

"It's time to accept this," he shouted as I walked away, and returned to see Krishna.

"How do I make love to myself?" I asked.

"Making love to yourself is the most beautiful thing. When you completely, deeply and truly love yourself nothing can compare," he answered. This only indicating I needed to have full acceptance of who I was.

### Chapter 81

The next day I meditated, a big pure golden Buddha statue inside the universe appeared, I touched it. Behind the idol was a golden swirly portal, I delved in. And I was somewhere lying on white clouds with vibrant light. Just by reaching out my hand, I made the world appear. Moments later, I turned around to admire the shiny, shimmering world with buildings. The tall sky scrapers were magnificent at night. Soon, I dissipated the entirety into nothing.

Then I speeded in the air and sat on a pink lotus flower seat. Quan Yin and Buddha sat on opposite side of each other. I was at the center about 3 ft. away, closing my eyes in meditation.

"God. God," I heard.

Again, I soared upward and finding myself lying on clouds with various illuminating Oriental lanterns slightly above my head. Their splendid colors of red, green, purple, and others filling the air were captivating, had me in awe like a child. Quan Yin showed up observing the colorful lamps farther distance.

"Quan Yin," I said. "Go ahead and enjoy."

I took my smart phone from my pocket to check messages, but shortly put it away to observe her. She looked little different, in her twenties, with her black hair down, though the hairstyle was from ancient China, either from Tang or Wei dynasty. As usual, her outfit was white, also from the same era. She ran touching the lanterns, I closed my eyes following her.

"Shine your awareness to the world, Quan Yin," she said. She shot up to the cloudless sky. "It's time to give back. Give back, Quan Yin. You already shine the purity of a thousand suns."

She looked my way as I watched her and listening. "Give back. Shine your awareness into the world. Give back."

"I will give with my all! I will give all of me until there's nothing left to give! I will give to Self!" I shouted.

"You have made it. You shine the purity of a thousand suns, Quan Yin! You have made it," she went on.

"I am!" I yelled. "Let's do it together again, Quan Yin, one more time! Do it with me!"

She kept repeating similar messages until she vanished.

"We always do it together. Give back. Give back. Give back. You made it. Give back."

Abruptly, the meditation scene changed. I stood holding a white flower bouquet in a wedding dress inside a white gazebo in an open sky, where I was previously. Krishna wore a black tuxedo in blue skin and a peacock feather tied to his hair with a hairband, ascending. Once he reached the top, I leaned on his chest. He was me. I was marrying myself.

Suddenly we were at a wedding hall, cutting the wedding cake then fed it to each other. The dolls of a man in black tuxedo and a woman in a wedding dress on the wedding cake were of him and I.

Following the meditation, I wasn't sure why Buddha and Quan Yin showed up together.

"Were they Bodhisattva?"

In the evening, I meditated. Krishna appeared in his gold attire, while I was crossing a bridge. He was completely handsome, and hugged me. We made love, and I let myself go despite it was La making love to herself as Krishna. Afterwards, we held hands crossing. The more I accepted him as myself, the more he was Krishna, though we were one and the same. The bridge tore and ripped away; we treaded on energy instead.

Shortly I turned into shiny, sparkly energy similar to diamond. Krishna faded. I flew upward and sat on top of the world, as gleaming diamond energy.

"She's going to do it," he said to Quan Yin.

A magic wand came to my hand. I strolled on bottomless air switching back to my form skipped and sang a song relating to spreading my radiance, illumination to all.

As I kept singing, waving the magic wand, suddenly I was somewhere in the physical world in front of dead fields of grass.

"Rain!" I said.

Rain came, watering the grass. In no time, the dead grass turned green and healthy. I continued singing and skipping, and encountered a lifeless creek.

"Water!" I said swinging my magic wand, remembering I was this dry creek many lives ago.

Water appeared and the streams surged gently against small and big gray rocks in a deep forest. Soon I came upon waterless ocean. Once filling the sea with water, I made green algae surfaced along the side. And for the nearby dead trees, I waved the magic wand. They transformed into big lush trees full of green leaves. I carried on hopping and humming the same tune holding magic wand in my hand.

I arrived to a big lettuce garden near dead from heat, not getting water for a long while, I said: "Soil! Rain!

Momentarily, the dirt turned moist and dark brown. It rained just in time, bringing life to the garden. The lettuce grew green under gentle shining sun's rays in rows.

Next, I arrived to a deserted farm in South Asia, five small boys not having enough water, food or clothes. Their skins were covered with dirt, and wearing torn, ripped off outfits. I made a shower, new clothes, food, and nice comfortable hut appear. The kids came running, taking their showers and putting on new clothes. I walked ahead, skipped and sang until I heard one of them said: "She's God!"

I stopped, turned back, and approached them and gave the boys hugs with tears in my eyes.

"You are all my eternal beloved. You are my beloved. You are all that is. Don't forget yourselves. You are all God. The Ultimate One. The Eternal Beloved," I reminded before continuing on.

Not too long, I was in the city at night in a dark alley. A prostitute with drug addiction slept with light, dirty blanket in a cold night by herself near a garbage bin. She wasn't moving when I tried to wake her. She was undoubtedly gaunt with skin and bones, so I touched her. Soon, she got some flesh. I made a shower appear.

"Get up! Come shower!" I said.

She slowly lifted herself, yet looked at me then showered.

"Why do you help me?" she asked. Tears filled my eyes immediately, I went to hug her.

"You are my love. You are my eternal beloved," I said.

Once she showered, I made a one-piece pure white gown to cover her body. She was getting healthier, and so was her dark blonde hair that was dirty, dried, brittle, and tangled.

I made a magic wand come to her hand.

"Come with me!" I said. She looked at the wand.

"All the kids have it!" I reassured her.

"Only a Goddess or an Angel has this," she commented.

"You are that. You are all that is. You are me and I am you," I reminded and hugged her again. "I love you so completely, so truly, and so deeply."

We walked into the street, many children and adults, men and women marched wearing one-piece white gown, and singing the tune.

Everyone sang, gathering together. The place was filled with energy with some buildings and street lights. Shortly I soared in the sky and sat on the pink lotus flower seat.

"Goddess!" they all said together.

"You all that is! You're all Gods and Goddesses! The Perfect One! The Magnificent One! Don't forget who you are. You're the Eternal Beloved!" I shouted. "This is my light! Now shine yours, my beloved!"

Afterwards, I flew up realizing I reminded others of who they were; simply this was who I was completely. I found myself back with Krishna.

"You did so well. You gave all your love," he said, touching my face.

We kissed; he stopped, looking at me: "You are the Ultimate One."

"I am," I responded. He went to lie down.

"Let's have a family," he suggested. "Two boys, one girl."

"How about a boy and girl?" I negotiated smiling inside.

We were back like how we were, falling in love and having families again and again never stopped. He lay around, made green grapes appear and putting one in his mouth. He chewed it. The grape juice dripped on both sides of his chin then rolled gently to his neck.

"That's a lot!" I said laughing with hands covering my mouth.

"Here we go again," he said, commenting about my laughter.

Then I kissed the grape juice from his lips, chin and neck before we made love. The meditation scene switched to where I was with long black hair in dim air, only my back showed.

The locks were very lengthy, down to the floor. I touched it trying to see how long it was, with a realization at the moment I still had more of myself to face. Then I cut my hair off with scissors until I was bald. I became a young monk approximately six years old, wearing light blue/gray monk outfit, with meditation beads on my neck.

"The Perfect One! The Ultimate One!" I heard when I turned around. I opened my eyes from meditation.

In the middle of the night, I got up to use the restroom, and wasn't able to fall back asleep. Quickly I shut my eyes, I found myself watching Krishna. I went inside his body observing his organs, heart, blood, veins, vessels, heartbeat, and so on. His whole entirety was myself completely. I came out and looked inside myself, and saw a flute, pure white cow, golden disc, peacock feather, and the entire universe. My entirety was his completely.

In the morning before getting out of bed, I lay relaxing comfortably with my eyes closed. Buddha figures holding lotus flowers, with a glow underneath them in a semi dark hall emerged. Needing to use the restroom, I was about to open my eyes, yet I chose to continue.

The statues were made of clear white jade, though I can't be too sure. As I headed along the hallway watching the Buddha idols sitting in rows I said, "Complete enlightenment. I made it. I really did."

Making my way down the hallway, I heard.

"The Enlightened One! The Exalted One!"

Out in the open area were big golden sculptures of Buddha lying with one hand supporting their heads. I flew up shouting: "Complete Nirvana! Complete Enlightenment!"

Then, I was in front of Buddhist monks, sitting in meditation as they chanted. Once they finished, they all said:

"The Enlightened One! The Perfect One! The Exalted One! The Ultimate One!"

Suddenly a sound emerged which I couldn't be sure, either 'Aum or Hum,' but I sang 'Om' as I sat with my eyes still shut. The sound was the sound of the Universe, the sound of God, the sound of One-ness.

Buddha and Krishna watched the entire time.

"Krishna," I said wanting to go see him.

"Finish first, my love," he said.

Soon, I was under the ocean with a golden Buddha figurine next to my side. The statue and I emerged from under untouched. Yet when I headed to shore, the idol sank, so I dove after it. We both were at the bottom, finding more golden Buddha idols reclining, with hands supporting their heads. The water had turned into air. Abruptly, I soared fast into clear sky whereas illuminating gold figures of Buddha were all over.

"Supersoul!" I heard.

I went to recline in front of a golden Buddha figure, with my hand supporting my head, just like it. Krishna approached and reclined in front of me with his hand supporting his head.

"One!" he said.

"One!" I said. He leaned over for a kiss, I suggested, "Let's go on a date."

We ran the streets in Thailand holding hands. He didn't take a different form. We arrived to where people rode on elephants. We stopped; I hopped up to ride on one. The area had lions, too. Krishna sat behind holding me, but I stood up, turned around, and sat facing him.

"My love," he said.

"What?" I said. "I can do whatever I want."

"You are free. Liberated. Completely," he said.

The elephant started walking.

"Do you know what the best part of this journey is? Is to be with you completely," I said.

"To be with yourself," he said.

"To love without words," I went on.

"To be Self," he said.

We rode heading towards the golden, brilliant sun. I leaned over on top of him.

"My love!" he said.

"First time?" I asked.

"First time," he replied.

I watched him closely, observing his flawlessness, ultra-perfection, and attractiveness like I couldn't keep my eyes away, as if I could watch this magnificent God eternally and blissfully with no end.

"You're the most handsome God I have ever seen!" I said touching his lips then his face.

"You are completely beautiful. So pure, full of love and joy," he said touching my face. We made love.

As I was completely into making love, immersing myself into him with utmost love, romance, passion and devotion as if nothing could describe the way we made love. We were truly one, energies of love fading into each other as there was nothing else, but this pure, eternal love itself that had no distinction. I just wanted to cry from the deepest joy inside my soul lying on his chest quiet without a sound, absorbing this affection completely. Afterwards, I sat up, the whole atmosphere was golden. Everywhere was all golden, radiant energy.

"It's the Golden Land. The Eternal," he said.

"I'm so happy to be here with you," I shared, hugging him when he sat.

"There's only you. Just you!" he reminded then disappeared, letting me know there was no other except Self. God. Love.

He returned; I pouted.

"You left me," I said then took myself in air.

"Let's negotiate," he shouted.

"Negotiate this!" I said shooting golden energy balls at him.

We chased each other until Quan Yin appeared. Delighted to see her, I was about to approach, but she bowed. Buddha came and made a bow. Then Shiva and the rest of the Gods and Goddesses arrived, bowing their heads.

"The Perfect One! The Enlightened One! The Exalted One! The Ultimate One!"

They all vanished. Krishna descended from midair.

"There's no where I want to go or be except right here with you," I said embracing him. It seemed no matter what I was doing or what was going on, even if the entire world was inside my palm: Heaven, Earth or Hell, I'd readily let go; nothing could compare to him, at all. The only love, God contained my whole so truly, so deeply, and so completely as my air, blood, veins, vessels, hair, nail, life and death was Krishna.

"I know, my love. Let's have a family now, okay?" he said.

"Okay," I replied deeply in love that I could have endless births and families with him, eternally.

In the middle of the night, I couldn't fall asleep after a trip to the bathroom. I found myself listening to Krishna playing flute inside the universe. He was a bit different this time, wearing a different outfit and a bit more mature and grown. While listening to him lying down, I gestured my hand to take my clothes off. He immediately stopped as if I couldn't do that in front of him. His world would stop. The thing was; there was no thought behind my doing; I just did it, very spontaneously, carefree, with no boundaries.

Almost instantly he approached observing me closely all over.

"You know I can't resist you. Not even for a second," he said.

"I'm happy to be your everything: your wife, your husband, your God and Goddess. Your father, your mother. Your all," I said.

"My Absolute," he said.

"And you're mine," I shared.

"There are no words," he went on.

"There are no words," I said, only silence.

This was my Nirvana, my heaven, my eternal bliss, the absolute one-ness – the complete union of him and I – the divine masculine and feminine energies. I made green grapes appear and chewed one, and letting the juice dripped from my soft chin and to neck. Then I squeezed it all over my body.

"My love," he said.

"What?" I said.

After the meditations, I was at peace and was non-serious, playful, joked, and laughed a lot at whatever even more so than I ever had. I was more instant, here and now than ever, without much reaction to anything. When I watched, I just watched without distinction, words or judgment. If there was, it was gone at once similar to breeze, as if it wasn't even there. Inside my whole was complete love, without words, and understanding and acceptance of it all. If I experienced something, I experienced it in totality and in all-encompassing holding nothing back mindfully with awareness, and fully conscious of it.

In the following meditation, I was inside the empty universe again. As I strode, a Buddha statue appeared directly. I stopped, sat in meditation with both hands in front of my chest. Then Buddha showed up, sitting directly across.

"Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa," he chanted.

Absolute and deep peace filled my inside, with utmost and untouched love; I wanted to bust out crying during his chant.

"Oh my God," I said nearly reduced to tears of joy.

"The Enlightened One. The Exalted One. The Perfect One. The Ultimate One," he said after he finished. He paused then said, "The All and Nothing."

"God," I said, opened my eyes, saw glimpses of light, and flew over the clouds and through more clouds. A beautiful sun shone magnificently with infinite rays. _Surya._

I was where I was, when first came to Nirvana, flying and shouting. "Yippee! Woohoo!"

"Your wife is completely free," I heard Buddha said to Krishna. They were watching.

"She is truly free," Krishna said.

Then, I was at the beach with many people enjoying the sun, drinks, sand, and music. The sandy resort was surrounded by palm trees with plenty of food and drink vendors; it was a vacation spot. I had straw hat with sun glasses, white t-shirt and shorts on, and smiling ordering coconut juice and water. Krishna was here, but we didn't discuss whether he was going to take different form. After I got my drinks and about to look for him, while seeing many people. I sighted a guy ordering drinks at another booth. He was wearing a light stripe shirt, cargo shorts, and had light brown hair. I went by him and pretended to trip, spilling my drinks on the sand and causing a scene.

"Oh my God. Oh my God. My coconut juice. Oh my God. My coconut juice," I said amused inside.

He bent down to help.

"My love," he said.

Since it was him, I continued beaming. Among so many, I picked out the one. His blue Godly form appeared transparent in the atmosphere. We strolled along the beach enjoying ourselves.

"I heard there's a thing called sex on the beach here," he said.

"Yeah," I replied smiling. "I made it up."

"Want to try it?" he asked.

"Yeah, but we have to wait until the sun go down," I said. He was about to make the sun set faster. "No! Don't! We have to wait!"

We walked some more, he caused the sun to fall quickly. "Krishna!"

"It's getting pretty dark now," he said, so I ran; he chased.

Later, we sat gazing at golden sunset. No one was around.

"It's us again," I said.

"It's always is," he added. "There's no one else."

Once we made love, I found myself standing inside the universe on lotuses, but the colors were black and white or light blue. The scenery was difficult to explain. Momentarily, I headed elsewhere and found Quan Yin sorting white lotuses.

"You're in God Land," she said.

Before sitting to observe more, I stood watching what she was doing closely, but couldn't remember whether I help her sort lotuses or not. Then we walked, admiring the pink lotus pond filled with growing pink lotus flowers above water, with white swans swimming peacefully.

"You're incredible. You're truly indescribable," she said. We proceeded strolling, and Krishna showed himself briefly in the air then vanished. Seeing him brought light to my face.

"You gave well. You're truly compassionate."

Her last comment touched my whole, nearly brought tears to my eyes because compassion was my Soul.

"Your heart is your husband."

She vanished. I sat then lay on my back appreciating the peaceful, serene pond. Momentarily, Krishna returned sitting in the sky playing his flute, and making white flowers fall on me. The soundless of his musical instrument was truly incomparable. Filled with utmost joy, of course, I nearly had tears. This was my eternal happiness being united with him completely. To love with no limits, where there was nothing more than love itself. He saw me cry, he stopped about to come and be by my side.

"Finish first, my love," I said.

"My Goddess," he said when he descended, watching as if he couldn't keep his eyes away.

"My God," I said.

Shortly I was somewhere in semi dark atmosphere, with Krishna's images were all over, only light where I stood.

"You are my beginning and ending. My everything. My nothing. My all. My Absolute!" he shouted then descended and embraced me. "The Absolute God!" We kissed, he stopped. "You're my one true God."

"And you're mine. The Absolute of who I am!" I shared.

We treaded inside the empty universe playing our flutes side by side. He disappeared into me. It was solely La playing the instrument, then he came out. I disappeared into him. He was the only one walking playing the flute. When I came out, we played the instruments side by side and danced.

### Chapter 82

Two days later, I received disheartening news that broke my whole into pieces, which led me to write this. I welcomed pain, as much as I welcomed joy, just like a mother welcoming the birth of a newborn child out of her womb. The pain shot deeply through my skin, veins, vessels, and every particle, and I cried a thousand tears listening to the same sad songs over and over crumbling into bits. When I loved, I loved so completely and when I hurt, I hurt so truly. Dark clouds rolled in. The rain poured, I couldn't see clearly lying in my bed broken, feeling so alone.

In the evening, I showered and melted in despair, the pain of broken heart over took my whole. My heart was being sliced with a sharp knife into a million parts.

"I can do it. I can do it. I can go through it," I told myself. "I'm not afraid of life and I'm not afraid of death. I'm not scared of hurt and I'm not scared of pain. I'm not scared of joy."

I went to lie on my bed, and wept hysterically in disbelief the tremendous amount of hurt I bore inside. It was a complete pain of a broken heart where I loved someone without thought, so completely giving myself with no question. Realizing at the moment, it didn't matter if that person love or didn't love me, I just loved.

Then I took deep breaths, getting ahold of myself, so I could go water plants not wanting them to be thirsty. About to walk outside, I noticed the wet grounds. It rained amidst drowning in my tears and had forgotten it poured.

At night I couldn't sleep, tossed and turned throughout, with hurt engulfing my entirety in full strength. To avoid waking Santi, I quietly hurried into the bathroom crying frantically. As energy of hurt consumed completely, I held myself.

"Krishna. Krishna. Krishna!" I yelled loudly inside. This was the first time I mentioned his name, enduring such misery as if I was saying my own name.

Santi woke up in the morning as I was already up, he was asked to use an IPad to watch his TV shows, whereas I continued lying silently clothed in pure agony. Immediately when I shut my eyes, I witnessed myself walking under gray clouds in the dim, dark universe. Soon I was somewhere sitting under clear light. Quan Yin sat approximately 3 ft. away with one leg up, had a purple silk dress from ancient China on, and a peacock hairstyle similar to pictures of her on the internet. Stream of tears filled my face.

"You're God!" she yelled.

Hurting so deeply and incomprehensively, my screams echoed in the entire universe.

"I Am! I Am! I Am!"

I shot into the sky yelling, "I don't fear life and I don't fear death!"

After hearing myself, it brought realization something more was transpiring besides pain of getting my heart torn. On my knees and weeping in empty air, accepting the depth of this torment, I picked myself up and flew higher. I was next Krishna in a golden chariot. He was wearing gold outfit when he led Arjuna to battles, holding a white horn. He blew into it, and I blew into mine. Shortly, I took myself above the red and gray clouds holding a golden sword that just appeared in my hand. It pointed upward, and I soared higher.

"You're the Ultimate God!" Krishna yelled.

The golden lightning flashed circling the sword, and I threw it straight down causing massive explosion of energy in the whole universe. Later, I found myself lying inside bottomless air covered in the pool of my tears, immensely in pain, as if I couldn't go on. Krishna didn't come and lift me up like he usually did. I was left to sink in my own desperation and ache. If he did, nothing could be done. I had to face this immaculate pain piercing through, shooting right to my heart. Without question, I was the only one who could heal myself, deeply accepting my own creation, taking responsibility for it all. As I needed to understand, remember and transformed myself through circumstances occurring.

My thought of Krishna's love surfaced as I lay unmoving. How he never failed, and how he would go to the end to be united in our love. His love was absolute and depthless, realizing this was the only kind of love I deserved and I was the only one to be able to give it to myself because I was now this itself. It looked at this point the only love I was - was the only love I gave, which was the absolute unconditional love, without beginning or ending.

Then I was elsewhere lying on Milky Way while Vishnu and Krishna watched me in tears. Momentarily, I flew inside its swirly hole and shot myself in to the atmosphere, coming out of the other end of it. Then, I plunged in the airy hole again, and lay on top of it with severe pain inside, shocked how the news came.

"Your wife is in whirlwind of pain," Vishnu said to Krishna. This only suggested what I was enduring wouldn't be a breeze, with an understanding I couldn't absorb it readily and dissipated the severe pain into nothing, but had to be with the bitter storm whatever and however it arrived.

Eventually I got up to make morning coffee, seemed I was such a fool for love, realizing I could only love so completely, so deeply, and so truly. There was no before or behind of my love, but completeness of it with no description, detail, requirement or reason instantly here and now with my all. And when I hurt, it immensely pained, rippling into the deepest core of my being. As I tried to drink coffee full of tears, I leaned against the cabinets, embracing myself saying, "I hurt so bad. I hurt so badly."

After wiping away my tears, a bit later, I went upstairs to get Santi for breakfast trying not to break down. It seemed there was more pain on top of ones I endured. The residual hurts of ending relationships with old boyfriends who I couldn't truly trust, and when Vishnu and Krishna returned to their wives, leaving me crying on the beach, although Krishna would always come to be by my side and let me know I was the "only love" for him. And top of it, I also felt the pain of not being able to let Vishnu go, when he told me to - saying "Krishna was the only God for me." Everything came crashing in at once, pushing me deeper into the abyss of despair. My heart, my body and my soul were in complete agony, going through morning routines holding on.

Santi left for swimming lessons with his grandmother in the afternoon, I headed upstairs and broke down completely with hands covering my face saying, "I hurt so much. I hurt so badly."

While letting the deep hurt flow through my depth, I cried harder and said, "Krishna. Krishna. Krishna."

Then in my bedroom, allowing the energy of pains to pass, as I lay unmoving, telling myself: "I can do it! I can do it! I can do it!"

In the midst of surrendering, I bawled and thought about going to my parents' grave sites to find comfort.

"I am my own refuge. I am my own refuge," I said, enduring the energy crushing through.

I closed my eyes, and found myself standing under dark clouds holding Shiva's trishula on my left hand this time, looking at the debris in the ocean with small waves on water. Quickly, I understood a bit more with what was going on inside. I was destroying any last thing I had to face. The spears were different, both sides were bent downward with one standing in the middle and it was smaller than other ones I had held in the past, yet wasn't sure what it meant.

"Was this the end of destruction?"

Shiva appeared standing nearby. We watched the ruins from the damage.

"You are completely letting go," he said.

His comment brought more understanding and some healing inside.

"Yes, I am," I replied.

I walked into the ocean, and let myself sink. This time, I surfaced from the water wet. The bright sun shone through gray clouds, I took off all my wet clothes. A pure, white short-sleeve gown appeared on my body. My wet hair dried by the sun's rays, and I sat on the sand observing the ocean. Krishna arrived sitting next to my side. I leaned on his shoulder.

"You did it again, facing any fears you have," he said although I was in pain inside, but his comment deepened my understanding. It lessened the hurt.

"Let's go celebrate," he said, grabbing my hand. It was another major breakthrough. We flew upward holding hands surpassing the clouds, and found myself sitting on a golden throne next to his, in a gold sari mixed with red attire on. Exquisite jewelry was adorned on my arms, ears, nose, and fingers.

"You are always my queen. My Goddess," he said.

His love and devotion touched my core, bringing tears to my eyes.

"You are always my king. My God," I said looking at him.

"You are full of wisdom," he said.

We got up and strolled on clouds with light, white air all around, plus other versions of him were in the sky. The Gods who appeared, blew into white horns they each held in their hands. It was a celebration. The stairs made of white energy appeared in front of us. Ascending the stairways looked as if I was going up to heaven. We reached the top, but only to find a white chair with gold seams next to a bassinet. Krishna disappeared shortly.

Wearing the same white gown, I sat on the chair and slowly glanced inside the bassinet. There was no baby; however, a baby doll a size of a baby came to my arms and soon vanished.

"I love so completely and hurt so truly," Krishna said when he returned, standing behind. "Innocence."

He came to my side meanwhile I sat quietly listening; he crouched down, and touched my chin.

"You are as innocent as a child. Pure," he said. He stood, walked about and looked back.

"You are of purity. God Love."

God love. Innocence. Pure.

My hurt healed more, inciting clearer understanding regarding what had been going on internally. Why I joked, laughed often, and turning things into jokes or saw them as non-serious. It was I had unlearned, untaught myself not knowing much difference relating to what was right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate even more than I ever had been. Couldn't distinguish days, dates, months or what I did or didn't do, as if it didn't really matter since there wasn't much distinction. My memory worsened, as if I only had some to live or if I did have any, it didn't linger.

Who I was - was what was right then and there absolutely, similar to a newborn seeing and hearing things as if it was my first time, as if I just arrived. Whatever I said was instant here and now in totality from what naturally and instantaneously emerged, with no before or after, conscious of it all – my being and non-being, the all and nothing, instantly here and now at once. Being around children and hearing their conversations were enthralling. They were deeply spontaneous, pure and free as if I was in heaven. Children's language became mine. My friend shared once that her daughter didn't make sense and said whatever. The thing was - I, too, didn't make sense, and hadn't been for a long time. What was pure and untouched didn't seem to make sense to the world.

"It makes sense to me. It's so pure. Completeness," I said to my friend.

Now it all came together like pieces of puzzle being put together. Krishna walked farther to make our bed, a white canopy with four wooden pillars on different corners. This was where he and I would stay for a bit. A magic wand appeared in his hand. With a smile, I went to get it from him. Then I strode on clouds made of white energy, holding the magic stick.

"Brahma! Let's go create!" I yelled.

Creating tended to cheer me up, especially if I went through hurt and pain. After breaking down walls of conditions inside, pure wisdom, renewal, re-creation, and remembrance emerged. Brahma and I were best of friends; he could be comical. He appeared formless.

"Go with your husband!" he said

Krishna came holding my hand. Another metropolis was created with different gray stone buildings, gray cement sidewalks, flower shops, stores and so on, though all was too familiar. Then I transformed them to glossy gold buildings with nice black top sidewalks and streets. Sparkling black buildings were created, with shiny black cars and other different types of cars, but I couldn't truly describe them.

"You're taking creation to a new level," he complimented.

Despite my hurt, I grinned little inside. He made two lounging chairs appear. We were on the rooftop with strawberries, champagne glasses and bottles.

"Strawberries?" I asked, often we used grapes. He poured wine in glasses and asked me to go sit in the same chair with him. He touched my face.

"I can never let you go," he said, which of course brought tears touched by his love, although I wasn't sure why he would say this; we were each other's absolute eternal love, though I didn't think much of it.

"I can never let you go either," I said.

He put his glass of champagne in my mouth, and I put mine in his, but he spilled his on my chest.

"Wait. I can help with that," he said when I was about to wipe it off. He did it on purpose, I smiled. Once stripping my gown off, I soared into the air naked. My energy showed: sparkly diamond mixed with shiny, luminous gold.

"Krishna! If you want me, come and get me!" I shouted then sailed away, nonetheless he didn't follow so I returned. He watched completely speechless.

"You didn't follow me."

He continued to be without words.

"My love! My love!"

Then I hugged him before putting my gown back on. This happened a couple times where his world stopped. The purer I was, the more speechless he was, yet this was the worse.

Following the meditation, I felt tiny bit lighter, and drove to the mall to get pineapple and raspberry smoothie and almond covered pretzel, even though I wasn't at all hungry. Just a couple bite of the pretzel and three small sips of the fruit drink, I was done. I visited my sister's house still full of hurt, so I gave the rest of the smoothie to my niece and nephew. Later in the evening, I jogged with an empty stomach and ran longer than normal, not wanting to come back to my room, to be with deep pain once more.

After I showered, everyone was already in bed. Silence took the room and waves of hurt rushed in, I cried hard. The pain came from all angles - from how I felt depressed after my mother died: the sadness and loneliness attached with the loss, then it switched to pure agony with no association of the circumstances.

"Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" I wept allowing the energy to circulate.

When Santi woke from his room and came into mine, I also went to bed exhausted. In the morning, I was much better. The pain dropped from 10 to 4, as I was with it totally. I had smiles on my face, performing morning routines effortlessly. If hurt returned, I'd be with it completely as I had been: mindful, aware, and understanding, welcoming it all.

An image of myself holding Krishna from where I left off, surfaced. Since I was in a better shape emotionally, we made love.

"There are no words," he said as I lay in his arms.

"There are no words," I said.

He shot into the sky, I followed. I lay down observing him in midair while he played his flute, and making golden and pink lotus flowers fell covering me from head to toe. Soon, they all turned into immaculate golden lotus flowers. Then I witnessed myself turned all gold inside and out, including the white gown. To observe closely, I sat. He descended, observing in awe.

"There are no words to describe you. There are none," he said. I hugged him. Slowly, I turned to wearing a white gown. We held each other lying down, until his Universal form standing as Godhead showed all over in the air, in the same golden outfit, with pure white light surrounding it.

"Our consciousness," I said, which was absolutely pure, untouched, and untainted, no language could begin to translate.

"Yes, my love. Our consciousness," he added.

Then, I saw myself waking toward Shiva. He stood in front of the same vast, calming ocean. While looking at him, I overcame with completeness of love and acceptance. This was the great acceptance of myself as he, since I was always afraid of him. Each time he appeared, destruction would come even though it was for me to face myself, to bring renewal and purification; however, I accepted him much more along the way. Accepting the Destroyer was no doubt the ultimate acceptance of who I was. I hugged him from behind. He turned around.

"Thank you so much, my cosmic love," I said with tears filled my eyes. He lifted me. I wrapped my legs around his hips as we kissed. He lay down me gently on ground. We continued making out. Although we didn't make love, we lay relaxing.

"Where is King?" I asked.

Very soon, King showed in the sky. I speeded to kiss him, not able to describe how boundless my love for this snake. It nearly brought tears to my eyes, so I put my forehead on his. It became my beloved snake after Shiva told me to drink its blood, informing it was my 'power'.

"Want to play?" I asked. We soared higher. I made a white ball and net appear.

"Your husband is waiting," King said. Krishna reclined with his hand cushioning his head at our place, surpassing the clouds, waiting with his back towards us.

"He can wait," I replied.

Ganesh also stopped by standing next to King. It brought a smile on my face. Ganesh was too good at playing ball.

"Want to join us?" I asked. How could I play ball without Ganesh? It was our game when we hung out. Shiva arrived, to team with them.

"My love!" I yelled. Krishna came. Many of him rode on horses in midair, I watched.

"They are one!" Shiva shouted. "The husband and the wife are one and the same!"

Krishna disappeared inside me.

"Take me on! Just me!" I shouted.

Ganesh kicked the ball at God's speed; I took myself upward to catch it. He then kicked many at once, I caught them all instantly with no effort. Later, I found myself treading towards Shiva.

"My Goddess," he said.

"My God," I said.

We sat observing the serene ocean. He made white flowers appear and gave them to me, though I wilted them. They soon faded. He transformed the whole sea into beautiful, breathtaking, pure white flowers, yet I did the same to them.

"I just want you! I love you so truly, so completely and so deeply," I said touching his hands and leaned over to kiss him. We lay leisurely gazing at one another and kissing. His effort to be romantic was adorable, since he and I didn't have much romance, unlike with Vishnu and Krishna.

"I love you just the same," he said. "You are completely beautiful. So pure."

He touched my cheek. What he said was moving, without his help and guidance to face myself I wouldn't be here with him, Krishna, Vishnu and the rest: Self. While we kissed, touching each other's faces, admiring and gazing at each other, with only absolute love and affection, he said: "Your husband is waiting."

Krishna continued to recline, with his hand supporting his head, in the same golden attire.

"He can wait," I replied, although once I said it. Truly, I was unable to wait to be with Krishna. He was my ultimate love, the love of my life, the love that was in me as me – Self.

Then, I was in front of Brahma. He showed up with three heads. Wanting to laugh, I placed both hands to cover my mouth. He always cheered my spirit.

"You don't have three heads," I said chuckling; he turned formless. Watching him, I also had no words to let him know my absolute, infinite love for the Creator. He was my very Soul.

"I love you so completely, so truly and so deeply," I said.

Next, I searched for Radha. She was somewhere in the universe with her back towards me, in blue silk sari mixed with gold on.

"Radha!" I called. She didn't answer immediately. So, I yelled: "La!"

She turned around.

"I love you so completely, so truly and so deeply, my love," I said with only complete affection and acceptance. She transformed into me, and I turned into her. We went through the love triangle with her, myself and Krishna, until I came to accept she as myself, although if she appeared in front of Krishna and I again, I'd still be jealous, and would still go hug Krishna so he wouldn't look at her, since I chose to keep 'jealousy' emotion. All my emotions helped bring remembrance and transformation, giving the depth experiences of my own being-ness. So, I embraced them all.

"He's yours," she said. I smiled inside. Happily I walked away, but turned around. My love for her was infinite.

"He's ours," I said.

Afterwards, realized I had to go see Vishnu, and hesitated a bit. Undoubtedly, I was deeply in love with him. If I saw him, we'd probably make love. Pacing back and forth for moments, until mustering up courage and went to him. He reclined on the multi-headed serpent.

"My God," I said then paused looking at him lying on our beloved snake. "I can never let you go! I love you with my all!"

"And I can never let you go," he responded. He was the one who said this on the rooftop, comforting me while in pain. Soon I fell on my knees, wanting to sob, completely weakened and taken by this deep and complete affection for him.

"I'm yours!" I said.

"You are always mine," he replied, whereas I knelt quietly watching him. "You are with Krishna now."

I got up. Suddenly I headed toward Krishna. He still lay in the same position waiting. Every road I took, only led my way back to him: my absolute eternal Self.

"It didn't take that long," I said.

"Are you ready to have family now?" he asked.

"Yes. I still want a boy and a girl," I answered.

He was quiet briefly since he wanted two boys and a girl.

"We will have a boy and a girl then, my love," he said.

"Let's name them Krishna and La," I suggested. He didn't say anything. "What? They are cute names."

He made endless strawberries, champagne glasses and bottles appear. My mouth opened wide staring at them.

"We can go all night," he suggested; I busted out laughing.

"All night. All day. Eternally," I said, then gestured with my hand to create endless versions of myself making love to Krishna, in the entire atmosphere, as I was kissing him.

"You're incredible," he said. "Pure intelligence."

Pure intelligence. Vishnu mentioned of this once, though I wasn't sure what it was.

"Presence. Energy. God," he elaborated.

After he and I made love, I was on Earth hugging the person I was in love with somewhere in an open field at a dry farm.

"Thank you for everything. I love you so completely, so truly and so deeply," I said.

He was also my love. My affection had no difference or distinction. He informed he loved me as well, but he also loved another. In pain, I walked away. A white airplane parked on the ground had clear white energy surrounded it. I made my way toward the aircraft.

Later, I recalled what Krishna said when he and Quan Yin watched me burned in the bonfire, "the last burn."

Following two days of that particular mediation, I fell into this relationship immediately and completely. As he moved on with his life, I continued with mine – to the Absolute of who I was.

The plane ascended higher and higher, until I reached where I stayed, surpassing white, soft clouds consisted of only very clear, pure white energy and completely open, with nothing. This was my consciousness: pure, white, innocence, and untouched – God love. It was when I loved myself absolutely, without beginning or ending. I could love others, just as the same: living and non-living, all and nothing instantly and eternally at once here and now.

Krishna and I already had two kids. He was playing with them. Our children were identical to us. When I saw little Krishna ate and played with butter in wooden jars, I said:

"Krishna, please get him out of there! Did you eat butter when you were young?"

Our little girl ran ahead, I followed. Krishna was busy with our boy. Since our home had nothing much, I created trees along the way. Far ahead, I created a city. He walked by my side carrying our son on his shoulders. When I saw little La climbed the tree, I smiled. In my younger years, I loved climbing trees despite my grandparents saying it was dangerous. Regardless of potential danger, I climbed the highest tree, all the way to the top. I was very adventurous, completely open to everything and anything, without much fear.

Now I was back to who I was: innocence.

"Where's our daughter?" Krishna asked. I beamed, waited briefly to answer.

"Somewhere around here," I replied.

"My love, please get her down. Please!" he said.

"Jump on mommy's arms. Come on! Jump down on mommy's arms!" I said, waiting under the tree. She jumped, I caught her. "Gotcha."

"Please talk to her about how dangerous it is," he said as we strolled; the kids ran ahead of us.

"There's no such thing as dangerous, only in the mind," I replied.

"You are full of wisdom," he said.

Then I sighted little Krishna jumped on alligators in the swamp, which just appeared. When he raised himself in the air, all the alligators opened their mouths wide, getting ready to swallow. I froze the scene about to fly to get him but unfroze it with my mouth slightly opened. He dropped himself into the marsh, though I didn't see him. Only moments later, he emerged holding two alligators by their tails in each hand, and slamming them back and forth like puffy pillows while standing on other alligators. He threw those in his hands around, as if it was a game, nothing at all.

"Did you do something like that when you were young?" I asked softly.

Once we put the kids to bed, he and I relaxed in our bed. I tried falling asleep from a long day.

"Let's make love," he said.

"No. I'm tired," I said, rolling to my side.

He got up to shower. Our room was surrounded by clear, white energy. Krishna dried himself off with a white towel. Smiling inside, I turned around to watch him since he was trying to get me to make love with him. Quickly, he dropped the towel and became completely naked. This was the second time having the honor to witness this miraculous sight. In awe and speechless, I sat to observe, and stared not blinking at the most attractive God I had ever seen. His light blue skin, as well as every part of him, his energy, Godliness was complete perfection. The utmost flawlessness I had ever laid my eyes on. I could watch this eternally. He came to bed. I was unmoved and understood at the moment this was how he saw me.

"My love. My love!" he said.

I slowly turned to him, we kissed. I climbed on top of him and immersed my energy into his overcoming with such pure love.

"My gosh," I said deeply moved, even though I had been here many times with him, but became overwhelmed by its extraordinariness that I flew out of it, but now, it was home. Suddenly, we were in a complete white room, where I couldn't tell the difference between his energy and mine, both were very clear, light, and purest white.

We continued kissing, I uttered: "This is the purest love."

"It's who we all are," he said. Afterwards, I lay on his chest quietly. "This is perfection."

In the morning, the kids and Krishna weren't up yet; I went to sit somewhere watching clear skies and made big cloud heart shapes filling the atmosphere.

"Love," he said when he came and sat next to my side.

"Who I am," I said leaning on his shoulder.

"If you want another wedding, we'll have another wedding, my love. We will do whatever you want," he said.

I opened my eyes, and interacted with Santi and his friend who just came over. My friend left to run errands. Some waves of pain emerged shortly, so I sat by myself in the garage during music played. With my eyes closed, I absorbed the pain inside. Immediately, I witnessed myself as Buddha with my hair up in a bun, in yellow saffron sitting on pink lotus flower seat in meditation chanting.

"Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa."

"The Truly Awakened One," I heard immediately following it.

Krishna headed my way. I resumed my form then hopped in his arms.

"I love you eternally," I said.

We strolled into the empty universe. He brought out his flute to play. I tried to play it too, by putting my mouth on it.

"My love," he said.

"What? It's mine, too," I said. He gave the one in his hand, made another appear, and I looked at it.

"You want this one, too?" he asked. I beamed. Then he made countless golden flutes appear distance from us.

"It's all yours, my love," he said.

I reached my hand to grab whichever one would fly to it. The one that flew to my hand was breathtakingly beautiful that I couldn't keep my eyes off of it, purest gold with golden hearts or some sort of golden strings hanging, from one end to the other.

"The most beautiful soul I've ever seen. Perfection," he said observing me.

The musical tool represented my soul, similar to the one he gave that had sapphire and rubies embedded into the golden flute representing my strength after I underwent a big transformation. I played the new instrument, Krishna played his and we danced. Then we lay down, until I disappeared into him and lay around as Krishna holding the flute. I came out, he disappeared into me, and I lay as myself holding the flute. _One Soul. One Consciousness_.

We resumed our forms.

"There's nowhere for me to go or be except right here with you, my love," I said and touched his face. I never left.

### Chapter 83

As days passed, I still recovered from pain I endured, although it wasn't nearly as hurtful as it had been. Nonetheless, I stayed with this hurt. It had been a week I hadn't been on social media. One night, I browsed through friends' posts quickly and saw his posts. Immediately I was hurt, missing him. It seemed he had moved on completely already; I was in pain.

In meditation, I saw myself eating my own insides that were already out of my body, unsure what was going on, but Krishna was with me, watching. Then the meditative scene changed. I was looking at Shiva in the dim universe with his back towards me, I embraced him from behind. After all, I had accepted him as myself fully, and thought could make love to him, so we did. However, I kept saying, "Krishna, my love" during making our intimacy. Uncertain why I said Krishna's name, yet Shiva didn't say anything.

"Thank you," I said after we made love, twice.

Then, I strode elsewhere and came upon Vishnu. It was no doubt I missed him dearly, so I kissed him. He flew us into the ocean to make love. Under the water, he said, "In the depth of your pain, be with me! Krishna!"

We came to the surface, it was Krishna.

"Stay with me! Be with me! Focus on me!" he shouted walking away.

"I'm always with you! I can never be without you! You are me and I am you! You're the only thing that's in me," I shouted back, not understanding reasons he was saying all this.

"You're my wife. My Goddess. My God!" he said loudly.

"I never left. I never left!" I shouted; he didn't stop.

"Krishna! Krishna!"

I didn't get a chance to process this meditation following it. There was no time to understand and be with the hurt that lingered. I yelled at Santi often when he didn't listen or wanted me around consistently, not playing by himself.

At the library, Santi browsed through some books, giving a chance for me to reflect on the meditation. My immediate understanding was I was escaping from my pain, by making love to other Gods, similar to times when suffered from exhaustion and stress. Now comprehending Krishna's action, as well as realized later he took a form of Shiva, knowing I was going to do what I did.

Santi left with his grandma in the late afternoon, providing another opportunity for a short nap, but I ended up meditating instead. In an abandoned small building at night with Shiva, I coughed out what I ate while being hung on the wall with both arms tied.

"I'll just get a new form. Let's burn this one," I said to him, but thought I should just finish gagging what was ingested. Once I was untied, I left my form. Shiva scraped off any residues remained in my mouth.

"It's finished," he said. "It's done. Let it all go!"

Krishna showed up high in the sky, with his gold outfit on, completely handsome looking at me.

"Oh my God! I love that God!" I said then shouted. "I love that God so much!"

"Give me tonic," I said to Shiva.

He handed it in a clear glass of sparkling water, I drank all of it. The yellow mixed with other types of energy glowed inside me.

"Complete purification!" he said.

We stood watching the abandoned house with my old form in it. I grabbed the trishul from the God of Destruction's hand and created fire to burn it down, then tossed the trident in with it. The weapon melted in the fire.

"No more destruction!" I said. The fire torched the building to ashes, as if I was burning my old physical soul by letting all conditions and attachments go, in order to get a new one; a Soul that was pure, heavenly, and transcendental, Krishna's Soul. Then I soared to where he was sitting on a big white bird above white clouds where light emitted. Oddly, many surfers appeared surfing without water then they faded.

"You ride on a white bird, too?" I asked, but he didn't answer. I observed the bird smiling inside, flirting. "I never knew that."

The bird was enormous. He sat on the other end, so I lay in the middle gesturing my hand to take my clothes off.

"My Goddess!" he said.

"What?" I said.

"Here?" he asked.

"Right here, right now," I replied beaming. As I was free, liberated; there were no limitations.

A couple days later, I didn't meditate. However, the residual pain from the ending of a relationship persisted. One night, it was pretty bad and didn't think I could sleep. I was on social media pretty late, enduring the hurt. Santi came to my bed much later than usual, I tried to sleep, but couldn't. I was in too much pain. Sometimes I'd put my hand over my chest.

A long beige bridge rope surfaced when I shut my eyes.

"What now?" I said, not too enthusiastic after undergoing rough transformations in previous weeks. Soon a wormhole appeared; I flew in. It became a plastic tube in an empty universe. Krishna was up by the end of the tube looking my way. It put lightness on my face seeing him. I flirted a bit. An unborn baby traveled pass in the tube next to mine, going in the opposite direction. Uncertain what that was about; however, I proceeded upward. When I arrived near the top, he pulled me up.

"You are still the unborn. You need to be born," he said.

Next, I was lying on a hospital bed in an operating room, with a hospital gown on. Krishna was a doctor wearing plastic beige gloves with nurses and other doctors helping, setting things ready for labor. Once everything was prepared, I pushed the baby out, while they stood watching. The baby didn't cry when it was born. He gave the newborn to the nurse to clean, even though the umbilical cord wasn't yet cut.

"Is the baby okay?" I asked Krishna.

"Perfect," he answered. Soon they cut the cord, but a gold coin or a round tube was closing it.

"What is that?" one of the nurses asked him.

"Something she brought with her," he replied.

His answer gave an understanding that I was in my new life, although I wasn't sure what I brought with. His gloves stained with blood. He took them off then came to stand by my side, as I lay on the table. He stroked my forehead.

"Giving birth to yourself is a beautiful thing," he said. Much more aware after hearing him, and understood deeply the painful transformations I underwent in the past weeks.

"Let's get you to recovery," he said. I got up from the operating table, and immediately noticed how completely clear and see-through I was, almost similar to a shiny diamond in some ways. Seeing my own transparency and formlessness moved me nearly to tears, with an understanding this was my new Self. He came to hold my hand; we walked out of the room.

In the hallway, he hugged then touched my face.

"In the depth of your despair, be with me. Stay with me. Focus on me," he said.

Now I wasn't weeping tears of pain, but of the deepest joy of this unspeakable, limitless affection. Krishna's love was immeasurable, unmovable and infinite.

"You're my one and only love. My only wife. My everything."

My love for him couldn't be described in words, so I was silent and didn't utter a sound. His depthless affection healed the residual pains. I was much more peaceful inside. It was as if this was a new beginning.

We strolled down the hospital hall. Since I was crystal clear, everything past through including people, chairs, stretchers, whatever was there. We went through the window, and suddenly I couldn't see him or myself. We were consciousness observing buildings, parking lots, grounds, cars, and trees. We resumed our physical forms and sat in the air. Shortly, a roller coaster spun by. My late father and mother were riding on it, smiling and raising their arms as the roller coaster rotated.

"You had a beautiful family," he said.

His comment brought awareness that I hadn't fully appreciated my upbringing. I was born into a household filled with verbal and mental attacks solely from my mom. One of the most hurtful circumstances was when one of them had used a metal as a method of discipline. My body was full of bruises afterwards. It incurred such deep emotional wound of being unwanted and unloved more than physical pain itself.

"They gave me experiences I need," I replied understanding, appreciating, and accepting more why I chose my family.

"To come to me," he added.

"To be you," I said. He put his forehead on mine.

"You're completely beautiful," he said.

Then, we were at a place where he and I got married the third time. The area was all energy, bottomless space.

"Make amends with him," he suggested. Now I understood what recovery was, making peace with myself and the circumstances that were still haunting. The one who ended the relationship appeared. Despite there wasn't any negativity toward what happened except full acceptance, though I said, "Thank you." After pausing for a few seconds, I continued.

"I let you go. I let you go completely."

Once I heard myself, it brought realization I was holding onto this love. After letting it go, I was much more at ease. Krishna and I walked on holding hands, but found ourselves on top of the roof at night. A baby appeared in my arms, wrapped in a hospital blanket while I was still in a hospital gown.

"How's the baby?" he asked.

"Perfect," I replied. Soon, the delicate one vanished.

"You are unborn born. You are the purest, truly the purest," he shared.

Then I hugged him deeply full of love, with little pain lingering inside that needed to be healed.

"I love you so truly, so deeply, and so immeasurably," I said.

"You love yourself," he replied.

"So immeasurably," I whispered, sitting quietly with such love inside and tears streaming my face.

He lay down, gazing at stars with both of his hands under his head.

"You're perfection," he went on, though now I looked at him differently. It was a wife observing the most handsome, flawless husband.

"Yeah?" I said and started kissing his stomach slowly to his chest, before we kissed.

"I love you," he said.

"And I love you," I said. He made shooting stars fall. Vishnu came, riding on a big, great white bird. He looked at me.

"Your wife is purest, Krishna," he said. "She's all yours."

He left. Krishna and I enjoyed our evening. It looked as if the love with the two Gods narrowed to just Krishna and I. After Vishnu sailed off, I felt nothing. It was clear, not crying and yelling after him like before.

A few days later, the residual pain persevered. It was no doubt getting better, but I continued to face the effects of what was left. A flash of myself at the farm where the airplane land to pick me up emerged. I watched him walking away with the person he chose to be with. I cried in pain. He looked back, but I told him not to, wishing him a prosperous life.

A big white airplane landed on the ground to pick me up again. I made my way toward it. When I boarded, Krishna was on the plane sitting in the seat. Since I was hurt, I plopped on the floor, and suddenly it dropped similar to sky diving. I faced up watching the clear white clouds. Then, I stood and went to sit on clear energy above those puffy, smooth clouds. Krishna appeared everywhere in the air, with bright clear light emitting. It was different this time, but I can't exactly explain.

"My consciousness," I said observing him.

"You got it," he said, but he wasn't anywhere, whereas I continued sitting waiting for him to come by. Not much later he came, but he was in his mid-twenties with porcelain skin, with gold pants and gold crown on, breathtakingly handsome. I tried to touch him, but couldn't because he was very, truly light - pure.

"He's so pure," I said. In a bit, I smiled. "I'm so pure."

"You got it," he said, then he came by me. We kissed. Both of us were completely light and clear.

"I so love this," I said putting our foreheads together. All of it was deeply unimaginable, without words to define.

"There's no word to describe my love for you," he said, which no doubt touched me deeply. The next day lying in bed not getting up yet, I found myself running inside the empty universe.

"Look! It's a baby! A baby!" I heard as I ran.

Shortly the meditative scene changed to where I was nearly a toddler running naked, smiling and chuckling.

"It's a baby! A baby! An innocent!" I heard. I opened my eyes, came out of meditation and heading downstairs to brew coffee.

### Chapter 84

The following week many things happened. Sad news of a childhood friend who had had terminal cancer for a couple years was close to her last breath. I visited her. While I was there, I let her know how deeply, truly and immeasurably my love was for her, as well as I would be with my friend until last breath. She was informed that there was nothing to fear. She wasn't really going anywhere, just leaving physical form. After wiping my tears, I bid her farewell on the next journey.

In the midst of accepting her death, I decided to share who I was with others on social media to groups I joined. It was no doubt I was nervous, openly shared more of who I was. Similarly to previous, I was kicked off of one of the groups. Many changes happened, so I didn't meditate for some time, and would miss Krishna despite he and I were one and the same.

With some free time, I meditated. He was in a valley at night with nightingales, trees, deer, moon, stars, and soft green grass. Right away I approached him, and realizing it was a place for rejuvenation until I was ready to continue, as I needed time to process and deal with emotional circumstances occurred inwardly.

He sat against the tree; I lay my head on his shoulder then hugged him.

"I miss you, my love," I said before we made love. Every time I closed my eyes, this was where I would be. Close to bedtime, I'd lie in his arms to sleep.

One evening, I browsed through social media and saw a post of my friend's death, I cried. Her death was no doubt was like my own. I experienced heavy energy inside every now and then and broke down at times in disbelief she was gone.

She suddenly showed up while I sobbed closing my eyes sitting on the sofa.

"What are you doing? Why are you crying?" she asked, but I didn't say anything wiping my tears. "Be happy for me."

"I'm happy for you. I'm happy for you," I said sobbing tears of joy, accepting her departure. She had also visited immediately after I heard she died from a family member. She thanked for visiting and comforting her, showing she was fine.

A few days later, I meditated following her funeral service. Krishna waited by the tree, playing with his flute. I put my head on his shoulder.

"I surrender to you, my love. I surrender my all to you," I said with tears, giving myself away to love that had no beginning or ending. It was peaceful once surrendered, although a bit afraid inside, as if I lost all control.

In the next meditation, he walked on clouds and white energy was all around, higher than I ever had been. I followed him.

"My love," I said, wasn't truly ready, yet he continued walking and I slowly strolled behind, not wanting to go through another transformation.

"Krishna!"

Following few weeks of break, I supposed I was ready. Inside, I was lighter and accepting and remembering myself through circumstances I endured. Then I caught up with him and held his hands before jumping into his arms, a bit afraid of another immense transformation. He carried me briefly until I walked holding his hand. A spinning wheel like a big board with different colors appeared. Not knowing what it was at first, I observed it closely.

A wheel of life and death?

Shortly I sat, watching it spin before flying in it. It rotated me around momentarily and I came up to sit on top of the wheel. A pink lotus flower appeared underneath as my seat. I shut my eyes in meditation and shortly I turned into Buddha. My hair was in a bun, garmented in yellow saffron. Buddha surrounded everywhere in midair.

"Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa," I chanted.

"The Truly Awakened One," I heard right after.

The Gods and Goddesses arrived, standing in the air all dressed in gold, shiny and shimmering observing me sitting in mediation.

"The Truly Awakened One," they all said together. During my eyes were closed, I searched for Krishna. It didn't matter if my eyes were shut or open, I could see all. It made no difference. He was watching with others, I smiled.

"Complete awakening," I heard momentarily.

Then I walked toward him, and put my head on his.

"There are no words to describe my love in me for you," I said.

Back at the valley, we sat leisurely until I went inside Krishna as he and watched the valley. He was one with everything, completely. All was he. There was no separation. He was with himself completely, fully, and totally - pure God. Then I came out of him and sat as myself. Krishna left. I watched the valley, realizing I wasn't too far to be completely one with Self.

He headed my way, looking truly handsome whereas I sat against the tree, staring unblinking. Once he came close, I pouted a little.

"You had me surrendered my all to you," I said. He sat, lifted my chin.

"I surrender my all to you, my one and only love. I surrender all of me to you. There's no me. There's only you," he said.

Then there's no me either. _One. One Mind. One heart. One Soul. One Consciousness. Self._

He soared in midair to play his flute and making white flowers fall, as I lay on energy covering with gorgeous flowers, listening to the soundless of his flute.

A couple weeks later in meditation, a wormhole appeared. Just like any other, I delved inside it.

It was if I was diving into a well with this one, straight down as if I was going to open something deep in my subconscious. Shortly, green and yellow energies mixed together similar to a long dragon appeared, traveling through the wormhole, I followed it. We finally reached the other end. The dragon took itself into the nightly blue sky, with stars twinkling throughout.

Everything was mixed with colors of yellow and green, as if I was in another dimension, in ocean of energy. The dragon sailed in the sky. From there on, I was in this place until it changed the following week.

After I hadn't seen Krishna, being by myself for some time, I missed him, and yelled for him. When he showed, it didn't seem like it was him, though I couldn't explain it, so I was by myself again. Another wormhole emerged, I flew in.

This turn I came through a manhole similar to one when I reached the 'other side,' although I heard again, "You're on the other side."

Suddenly I was by the pool and found Krishna standing with his back towards me. I went to hug him.

"I miss you," I said. He left. Once more, I was by myself missing him deeply. Momentarily, he came out from me; I lay on his chest. Abruptly the meditation scene switched. Now I was in the dim atmosphere, with yellow mixed with green colors. Krishna approached wearing a taller golden crown, garments like king of India.

"You come to me like an Absolute God, the Ultimate God," I said.

After hearing myself, I understood where I was, 'on the other side' completely. Once we made love, I lay on his chest then got up heading elsewhere. Buddha sat under a tree doing something, I approached. He was very light, transparent.

"Lord Buddha," I said with a bow, and sat to observe. He made an empty brown rice bowl appear in my hand, and poured the clearest almost light gold, spotless water in it, truly impossible to describe from a big pot.

"Drink it! It's your clarity!" he said. After drinking all of it, he poured more into the bowl. "Share! You have limitless."

He made two bigger brown bowls across from me full of clear water; however, one of them tipped, spilling all over. I walked toward it, not wanting to waste the other one. Few kids came by observing it.

"I will become it!" I said and drank every drip, as well as from the pot. Abruptly I turned into big Buddha sitting transparent and see-through in the air taking up the entire atmosphere.

"Lord Buddha," Buddha said, with a bow. I created a big lake full of clear, immaculate water, and witnessed people enjoying themselves splashing and swimming in it. Krishna arrived; I resumed my form and went to him, putting my head on his and held his hands; we slowed dance.

"You grow on me each and every time, my love," he said.

"It's because of this love that I grow and expand," I said. Quan Yin appeared afar in the air.

"I will be back, my love," I said and left to see the Goddess. She let her hair down with both front sides tied back wearing the white dress.

"Quan Yin," I said, but stopped almost choked in tears because my affection for her was immeasurable. "My beloved."

We hugged, and I thanked her for everything, including our precious friendship as if I never knew of one like this. Krishna was standing on air, playing his flute. I lay down listening to the most indescribable, absolute pure and soundless of his tune. Quan Yin sat further away. Buddha also joined us listening to the unimaginable Godly melody. If there was heaven, this was it, having my love, my best friend, and Buddha enjoying the sound of silence, purest, infinite love and oneness of who I was. Then I made a hand gesture asking Buddha and Quan Yin for privacy, so I could be alone with Krishna. He finished and descended, observing me.

"My love," he said.

"My love," I said with tears in my eyes. "You're the only God in me as me."

### Chapter 85

Following a couple of weeks of no meditation, I meditated although didn't see Krishna. A wormhole emerged, I traveled it. It turned to be the longest one yet to pass. It took a day to do so. Even then I had to take breaks in between. Then I encountered teenage Krishna in a forest. After not seeing him for a period of time, and missing him profoundly, I went to hug him and letting him know how much I missed him. He asked me to continue until I became a tree itself. We looked at a big tree in front of us. I climbed the tall tree, then saw wormhole. I traveled along in it until finally arrived to the other side. The adult Krishna stood with his back towards me by the pool.

"I miss you so much. I miss you," I said embracing him from behind.

He didn't say anything, but flew off so I yelled loudly.

"You're the only God in me as me! You're the only God in me as me! The only God in me as me! The only God in me is me! The only God in me is me!"

Once hearing myself, I dropped onto my knees in disbelief, deeply stunned.

The only God in me is me. The only God in me is me.

Slowly deep pain surfaced, if I had just crashed into a big, thick wall.

The only God in me is me. I love myself all along. I love myself all along. There's no one else. The only God in me is me.

Then, I was on my elbows in tears, as pain crept by slowly and painfully, as if I couldn't bear to escape or ignore who I was. Krishna showed up in his mid-twenties in porcelain skin, in gold pants and a golden crown on his head, with arm bracelets in the sky.

"You always have hard time accepting this," he commented.

"Oh my God," I said, as hurt took over. I began to weep, crawling gradually on all fours with profound heaviness. The Gods and Goddess stood on both sides watching, while I crawled in severe ache, as if I arrived to face the ultimate reality of it all. Continuing on my elbows and knees crying, Krishna joined, crawling by my side.

"You are always my love," he consoled seeing how severely distraught I was.

He sat, watching me flat on the floor sobbing in worst pain possible. The heaviness to accept this truth was greater than anything unimaginable. Gently, I picked myself and sat facing him then wrapped my legs around his waist crying, with my head on his shoulder. However, Santi abruptly opened the door to my room, saying he was sick. The pain gradually subsided.

I took his temperature, gave him medicine, and put him back to bed. In the morning, I closed my eyes before waking for the day. I was by the ocean with Krishna watching the waves coming our way very quickly. Instead of pausing them or thought maybe I couldn't, I allowed water to come pouring on us. The waves headed towards us again, but I ran to dive into the ocean to ride the moving water. He followed.

Later, I stood by shore. More waves were about to come. Krishna didn't go anywhere, standing alongside waiting for waves to dump on us.

The scene switched to where he and I sat in the air together. He was in blue skin with peacock tied to his hair watching ourselves.

"They really love each other," he commented.

"We are so in love with each other," I said turning to him then continued watching ourselves getting drenched.

### Chapter 86

The following week, Santi complained not having friends at school. He often played by himself, no kids played with him. To learn he was alone without friends truly broke my heart. The friends he was often around played with other kids. Sean and I suggested for him to ask other children if he could play with, or just join them in activities.

The entire summer was similar with him wanting friends to come over, which led me to ask other parents to coordinate play dates and texting my sister and brother-in-law continually, nearly every day and throughout the week, three or four times followed by phone calls asking if his cousins could visit. Santi enjoyed their company. If I was to apply for a job, I'd have been hired for my persistency or to shut me the heck up.

Witnessing him laugh and having bright smiles on his face enjoying fun times with his cousins, was also my joy. Despite how truly uncomfortable it was to be around my brother-in-law at some point, I still went over to my sister's house, so Santi could play. Moreover, this helped me face the uncomfortable situation head on, although while I was there, jumping out the window was easier, even though I accepted the situation I created for myself to experience what I was experiencing: awkwardness and uncomfortableness mindfully with awareness and understanding.

"How can you do it?" Sean asked, since the situation was monumentally uncomfortable.

"I don't know," I responded and said no more. Very often, instead of sitting around fire, I jumped into it and get burned.

In addition to witness Santi's joyfulness, I got to be with my niece and nephews, who I loved dearly as my own.

When I observed Santi with friends, he tended to be shy, not as assertive to initiate activities. Sometimes he was by himself playing at the playgrounds or playing next to his friends afraid they might not let him play. We discussed with him being his own friend and him being the one to like himself more than anyone else, when he told us he wanted friends to admire him. At home, we also encouraged him to play by himself, when he consistently wanted us to participate. At times, it was hard to have alone time.

However, the whole week he kept informing he didn't have friends. It was hurtful and I didn't truly know what to do. Sean talked to Santi about Santi's sad feelings then informed me of their conversation. Doubtlessly, it impacted how I already felt, having such tremendous love and compassion for my own child.

"It's my probably my fault," I said low inside. After undergoing intense transformations unfailingly, I didn't or couldn't pay too much attention to Santi. Most often, I wanted to be alone to process and understand myself, asking him to play on his own because of needing time.

Maybe I can change a thought.

Lying in bed pondering over Santi, while he slept nearby snoring, I cried. Hurt and didn't know what else I could do to help him. An image of my little guy sitting alone without friends occurred, which brought more tears to my eyes.

"He can transcend this when he is ready," I whispered. I closed my eyes and immediately saw Krishna stood with his back towards me.

"Maybe I can talk to him about it," I said and quietly approaching. He stood calmly.

"It's Santi," I said, full of tears.

"It's what he chooses," he said walking away.

"Krishna!" I yelled. It brought more pain, since he wasn't saying much, realizing he was going to lead me to remembrance, but I didn't want to go, although it didn't mean I wasn't going.

"Let him be with the choice he makes. Nothing needs to be done about it," he said.

He continued treading, although I plopped on clear energy then lay down tearing. He flew higher, took out his flute to play, and making white flower petals fall on me, but I wasn't in a wonderful state emotionally. I turned away. He stopped playing, wiped a tear witnessing my distress. While I lay unmoved, he sat in the air watching, letting me be with what I chose.

An image of Santi sitting alone at playgrounds watching other kids played surfaced again. As I watched him, I was unable to fathom such love and compassion inside, to where I could move the world for him. I would do anything. Little later, an image of when I was young playing with other kids at rice fields during summer, following heavy rains in a well full of water surfaced.

The kids teased and laughed at me because one of them had put a sticky mud ball in the back of my head, where I couldn't see the dirt, and didn't know what they were laughing at. It carried on a long time until I felt bad and left out, similar to having no friends.

Whereas they laughed, I turned away and saw a man who had a terminal illness strolling along the rice fields' path to bathe. He was thin, tan with black hair and was shunned from his family and other villagers at our village due to his condition. I observed him compassionately, hoping he was okay, and wondering how he was doing and how he lived. One time, I even followed him somewhere to watch and observe, with depthless and untouched compassion for him. Even walking past his house with older siblings, I'd inquire them regarding his wellbeing.

"I got compassion from this," I said remembering when I grew to be a teenager having many friends, but had love and understanding towards others who didn't. I'd go interact with others who were considered 'outcasts' or watched them with an utmost understanding. This brought clarity to Santi's circumstances. He would get insights, growth and love towards himself, as well as towards others. For his confidence level to bloom, it would take time to develop by going through experiences he chose.

Krishna came to lift me; we treaded on clear energy at night with moonlight but there was no moon.

"You're extraordinary beautiful," he said. "So extraordinary beautiful."

His love uplifted my spirit a bit, but he never used 'extraordinary' as description before.

"I'm glad to have you," I said putting my arms around his waist feeling much better.

"I'm full Krishna now," I said suddenly.

"Yes, you are," he said.

A peacock feather fell on the ground out of nowhere; I picked it up and spun its tip with my fingers. Then I placed the feather on my hair with a hairband wrapped around it, and wearing one piece light brown gown.

Krishna appeared everywhere in the nightly sky under light orange and red clouds.

This is my consciousness now.

"What do you want to do?" I asked.

"Whatever you want to do," he replied.

"I'll do whatever you want to do, my love. Whatever you want to do, I'll do," I said, teasing him a bit.

"I have no objections to what you want to do," he said.

"That's true. You let me get away with a lot of things," I replied smiling.

"I let you get away with everything," he added.

"You're a good husband," I said beaming since it was true.

A black animal similar to a panther with hazel green eyes and fur like a poodle appeared in front of us.

"It's a black tiger. Our animal," he said. I petted its head when it walked between us.

"Thank you," I said. Then at least ten or fifteen arrived, heading our direction with their shiny eyes similar to lightning bugs. "Beautiful."

Abruptly one jumped high in the air, grinding its teeth as if it was going to attack. As it approached, I was going to let it come but when it came nearer, I reached out my hand blasting it with my golden energy. It was knocked down, although it wasn't hurt.

"You just protected yourself! Defended yourself!" he said. "Let's try something different. Let it come."

The beautiful creature leaped in midair doing the same motion, coming my way. This time, I opened my arms wide welcoming the gorgeous creature, without resistance or objection. Surrendering, letting things be or as Buddha had put it when I was about to transcend Hell, "Leave it as is."

"I love you," I said to the magnificent animal, as we rolled around.

Krishna and I went to sit under a tree that just appeared. He vanished, so I was by myself briefly.

"Can you come out and be with me?" I said, missing him already. He emerged from me in blue Godly form. Only momentarily of observing him, I disappeared inside him but he came to meet, so we kissed and made love. Then we sat relaxing.

"Do you want to be around other Gods and Goddesses?" he asked.

"Yes," I responded. Then adamantly said: "I don't want Rhada to come! I don't want her to be here!"

The Gods and Goddesses treaded our way. Among them was Radha in blue sari mixed with gold, plus beautiful glistening jewelry on her arms and fingers. She was breathtakingly beautiful in every way, understanding why Krishna loved her. I got up from Krishna's arms.

"She's you, my love," he reminded though didn't really hear him, and headed her way.

"I didn't invite her! Why is she here? She ready told me Krishna was all mine, but then I said he was ours," mumbling to myself looking at her straight ahead.

"What do you want me to do?" she asked as I stood facing her.

"I don't know. I just don't know," I said, standing there. Then walked away uneasy, still jealous and insecure. She followed.

"Do you want me to leave?" she asked.

"No. Stay," I said after a bit.

She walked to join the Gods and Goddesses and saw Krishna. They glanced at each other, as though they were truly fond of one another, I turned away.

He headed to see me, yet he looked at Radha admiring her.

"I'm with you," he said standing and facing me.

We stood around, and jokingly I slapped his face and took off flying into the air. He chased after. Then, we rolled laughing.

"Are they ever going to stop playing around?" asked one of the Gods.

"I doubt it," another answered.

He and I lay relaxing until I witnessed Rhada, who was the last to leave by herself. Suddenly this vastness, immense love emerged, where I could and would do anything, go to any length for her. It was unbelievable what I would do as this incomprehensible and depthless love inside surfaced.

"I love her so completely, so immeasurably," I said watching, as I lay in tears and in disbelief. Silently I faced the nightly heavens.

"You can be with her. I'm okay. You can go be with her," I said.

At the very moment, it was inconceivable how I would sacrifice everything for love. To sacrifice Krishna was the ultimate because he was my very own Soul, completely deep inside my core, that we were one and the same. The only God I loved, where no description could define the infinite affection and neither Heaven nor Earth could measure my unbounded affections for him. The one I sacrificed myself endlessly for, until there was hardly 'me,' yet I was willing to let him go, for love, which had no beginning or ending.

"I'm not going anywhere," he said then stood up, whereas I continued to lie unmoved with more tears streaming down my cheeks. "Do you see it? Do you see the extraordinary beauty of your love? How beautiful it is? How extraordinary beautiful you are? How can I go anywhere?"

As I listened, I understood him. Such an unimaginable and immaculate love was ungraspable. I wiped my cries, then flew to Rhada.

"Rhada!" I called. She stopped, turning around.

"There are no words to describe my love for you. There's nothing I couldn't or wouldn't do for you, my love," I said amid tears streaming pass my cheeks. She reached out her hands, and I reached out mine. Krishna stood in the sky watching us.

"I know," she said. "Sister."

"Sister," I said. She treaded away. "Myself."

Back with Krishna, it seemed were we staying in for the night.

"Do you want to go do something?" he asked.

"Like what? What to do you want to do? Do you want to go to Earth?" I asked.

"Do you want to go get food?" he asked.

"What kind? Spicy? Thai has the spiciest, spiciest food ever," I said. "Do you want Indian or Thai?"

He was also going to take different form on this date. We walked into a small, old Thai diner with few tables and chairs. The windows had no shades, although it was night. He took form of a boy next door again, with light brown hair, average height and build. He wore a white shirt, black jeans and sneakers. A waitress greeted us, and got our orders.

"Bring out the spiciest dish you have unimaginable," I said laughing since Krishna was going to eat it, and I wanted to witness this phenomenon.

"Spiciest unimaginable," I repeated chuckling, with hands covering my mouth.

We sat and waited while I smiled inside. His dish came first, in a big white bowl full of red broth. He quickly saw it and was shocked. He kept observing the spicy soup with wide eyes. He continued looking at it stunned; his face going back and forth, as if he had never seen or realized how it spicy the broth could be. It was no different than someone who wanted to go sky diving for the first time, but paralyzed by their fears, freaking before jumping realizing how high it was and what they had to do or couldn't imagine doing it.

He was utterly stunned as if he didn't know how he was going to eat it, I became soft.

"You don't have to do it. There's no need," I said although he kept on. Then an immense love and compassion arose, taking over me completely. "It's okay. You don't have to do it."

However, he didn't stop. At this point, I couldn't imagine him going through such an ordeal. It was if I'd put myself in his situation instead of him, uncertain how to elaborate this.

"I'll eat it for you, my love. I will do it. I will eat it, my love. I will do. I'll do it, my love."

Then I reached for his bowl, bringing it to my side. I reached for a spoon.

"Do you see it?" he asked.

I closed my eyes. Once more tears rolled, showing who I was. Never did I realize it to this extent, the magnitude of my own untouched love and compassion.

"You sacrifice yourself for others; do everything for love, for Self. Do you see it? Do you see your own extraordinary beauty?"

He opened his arms, so I could go sit next to sit him. Suddenly we were back at our abode. He switched to his Godly form. I sat speechless.

"How can I possibly go anywhere? I can never go anywhere. I'm with you through this eternity!" he said, and held me.

I opened my eyes lying quietly in my room wiping my tears. It was ungraspable the infinite affection within myself, and didn't fully grasp at the time, the sacrifice I had made by confronting myself ceaselessly, enduring and burning in pains of hurt would led to this depthless, incomprehensible, and bottomless God love. Resting quietly, I thought about how Buddha, Dalai Lama, Quan Yin, Ramana Maharshi, and others who sacrificed themselves for others because of the greatest, incalculable love and compassion inside them, as well as Krishna and Vishnu.

"Is this why Buddha said I 'sacrifice' myself for other sentient beings? Was this truly what he meant? Was this why Krishna and Vishnu were so in love with me? I never knew."

Minutes later, I shut my eyes. Standing in front of a bridge above the ground, I started crossing. The bridge shrunk smaller and smaller until there was no bridge. Krishna arrived riding on a big Indian peacock, so I soared to sit behind him and putting my arms around his waist and my neck on his shoulder. More peacocks flew from the one we rode. The entire sky was filled with flying green magnificent, exotic birds. It was no doubt a spectacular view, to witness it in an endless open sky.

The next day our family ventured out of town to a zoo, before the weather got colder. It was nice autumn day with some winds, and lots of sun with colorful leaves covering the grounds. Many people were enjoying their day with family and friends. It was one of my favorite towns to visit because of its diversity. They even had variety of restaurants to choose from. In addition, one of the cafes carried my favorite smoothie.

At the zoo, Santi was really happy and jovial. It was nice to observe his happiness. He pointed to different animals he liked, smiling and laughing. He got to play at the playground for a while until we headed to downtown for lunch. The whole day I was calm, filled with untouched silence and bliss. Everything within and around was calm. No one was different from myself; they were no more than who I was: infinite, bottomless and complete love. Eternal. There was no death or dying, young or old, just Self, my own being and non-being.

Moreover, to have Krishna's infinite affection was deeply indescribable. It calmed me, and further invoked realization that I never was separated from him. If he was a lion, I was the lioness by his side. We never parted.

Our family sat to eat at a different restaurant than the usual one we normally dined. Many people entered waiting in line. Everyone was no other than Krishna and Vishnu, I smiled. Everything was here and now, as if I was in paradise. Then I left to go get an avocado smoothie with tapioca, a girl with ash blonde hair down to her back just appeared.

I was taken aback just a bit. It was no different than when you were by yourself and something suddenly showed up right in front of you. Everything became even more instant as I was the instant - the here and the now, although at the same time, everything was already here immediately as if it was here eternally, never went anywhere.

On my way back to meet the family, a tall, handsome black man with dreadlocks walked by.

"Do you remember me, my love?" I asked silently. Krishna appeared inside him playing his flute; I grinned then rolled my eyes. He was everyone, in everyone, as everyone.

### Chapter 87

The next few days I didn't meditate, still absorbing the limitless love that filled my inside with tranquility and calmness. Unfortunately I became sick one particular day, with bad dizziness to the point didn't think I could take Santi to school, almost phone Sean to come home, though I told myself 'I can do it'.

Santi took his time to get on the road walking to class, I'd yell at him. Once I was home, I headed to my bedroom to rest, the dizziness worsened. The room spun. To help ease the dizziness, I lay on a hard pillow instead. It was better. Five minutes later, I gently texted Sean then called him unmoving, letting him know I wasn't feeling well; he needed to pick up Santi from school.

The room rotated.

"No! No! I'm not going through it again! No!" I screamed inside.

Despite remembering what Krishna said, "Allowing things to come through."

It was a challenging thing to do, especially with this. I began to feel afraid I might go through the horror once more on my own. It was a traumatic occurrence to experience profound dizziness like I did the first time, where my head turned back and forth if I was possessed and throwing up all over myself almost all night, and crawling to the bathroom a few times to puke. It was my first time having an out of body experience due to it, before ending up in the emergency room.

The room spun, but this time when the dizziness came, I allowed it to come openly and be with it though it made me want to throw up. Then I closed my eyes in tears, scared and motionless to prevent from facing severe vertigo. Krishna stood in dim atmosphere. I went to hug him.

"Thank you, my love," I said in tears. It was comforting he was there. I opened my eyes a bit later and turned to the other side, which incurred profound dizziness, where I nearly crawl to the bathroom to throw up. Puking lessened the dizziness and nauseating, I napped. Yet the room rotated, when I opened my eyes, though immediately, I shut them again.

A door with light shining over it appeared. I approached and entered. A few more opened doors thereafter, I went through them. It was nice they were doors instead of wormholes. Along the hallways, I observed light washed small-sized blue lockers, and became curious. Yellow bananas were in those lockers. Then an ape showed up. Next, I was in a jungle surrounded by banana trees full of ripen yellow bananas dancing with the ape.

I opened my eyes. Very gently, I turned to the other side which triggered lightheadedness. Minutes later, I slowly got up heading to the bathroom holding myself and threw up. I felt better and returned to bed. This time a beautiful Indian woman, in exquisite sari and jewelry appeared. She looked like in paintings. Closely, I watched.

She ran smiling and laughing, I followed wondering who she was. Then Shiva's big statue in porcelain sitting with a cobra around his neck surfaced. She stopped, viewing the flowing streams in front of her. She soaked her feet in water, then splashed clear sparkly water with her hands, gently laughing and smiling.

"Parvarti?" I said.

She got up and ran. I trailed her, but stopped unsure why she was there. After another nap and felt much relieved, I lay staring at the wall, and thought I should follow her to see where it would lead.

However, she looked a tiny bit different, as if she was Krishna. She ran again, and I ran after yelling Krishna's name, telling him how my love had no ending or beginning.

"I love you through eternity, Krishna!" I yelled.

She continued running, I followed although she disappeared. Then I ended in dimly air until a wormhole emerged; it was going up. It meant I could travel it, and it wouldn't add to dizziness.

As I shot upward, I continually say how immeasurably and deeply I loved Krishna, that he was my one and only love in this entire universe. Before making it to the top, I stopped to rest. He was at the highest with light around the wormhole, shouting for me to continue and make it to him.

"I will make it to you!" I said and kept going, confessing my unshakable affection to him. Yet, when I made it, he flew away.

"Krishna! Be my bride!" I yelled.

After hearing myself, I didn't understand it until later - he was my absolute everything: my husband, my wife, my groom, my bride, my father, mother, son, and daughter - my eternity.

"Grow old with me, my love," he said when he returned reaching for my hands.

"There's nothing for me but to grow old with you," I said putting my forehead on his.

"You're my eternal love."

"And you're mine," he said. We made love in midair then went to lie on the sand watching the calming ocean. The bright, twinkling stars covered the nightly sky.

"Let's camp out here," I suggested.

"What if the water comes and wet us?" he asked.

"Will just get wet, my love," I said.

Then it switched to other versions of him and me, lying in the air watching ourselves on the sand.

"I can't get enough of your love," he said touching my face.

"I can't get enough of yours," I said. "Your love is so true, so absolute, bottomless nothing can compare."

He appeared everywhere transparent in the sky, sand, including the ocean, I smiled.

"This is indeed my consciousness now," I said.

When I opened my eyes, I slowly headed down the stairs to eat, feeling better. It was nice Krishna was with me the entire time I wasn't well, although my dizziness was still bad where I couldn't turn abruptly or be on social media. Most often I had to do everything gently, carefully to hinder from experiencing vertigo. Being with Krishna while I was sick; made sickness even beautiful, somehow. After hanging out with Santi for little bit after he was home from school, I went upstairs to nap.

Immediately when I shut my eyes, Krishna waited above the ocean in dimly sky. I hugged him then fell asleep. Waking up from restful nap, I used the restroom; however, when I came to my bedroom to shut my eyes to get more rest, Krishna was there. He also appeared as the entire universe transparent.

After dinner, I came to bed and as soon as I closed my eyes, Krishna waited. This time I sat on top of a rock trying to fish, but didn't catch any. The blue God sat watching. I plunged into water and became fish, still in my form. About three big hooks poked through my skin pulling me up, but they went through while I was in water. The hooks dug under my skin again; nonetheless, they slid through. Shortly, I headed to sit on lower rock making another attempt to fish. Krishna came watching. Similarly, I had no luck.

"Why can't I catch a fish?" I asked.

"You're not caught up by anything," he replied. It only meant there was no attachment.

Even so, I walked around searching for fish to catch and made a fishnet appear in my hand.

"I will use the net!" I said then threw it in water and finally caught one. I pulled in, took out the fish, but let it go after looking at it for a split second.

"You don't hold onto anything," he said.

"I will swim freely in the ocean then!" I said and dove down, swimming along with the fish in the sea.

He treaded on air, watching.

"Enjoy it!" he said.

"You're infiltrating me!" I shouted. He emerged everywhere as the sky, water, air - everywhere and anywhere as the entire Universe, transparent.

"And you're infiltrating me!" he shouted back.

"This is no doubt my consciousness," I said again, although suddenly I began to have either anxiety or something which I am unable to truly explain. It seemed as if I was going crazy; however, they were no words to define why or how. The only thing I could say was I was going insane. So I screamed loudly within, grabbing onto my head during my eyes shut, and breathing heavily as if my heart was pumping out of my chest. It felt as if my entire body was being muffled.

"I'm going insane! I'm going insane! Oh my God! Oh my God! I'm going insane. I'm going insane. Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!"

Quickly I opened my eyes like I couldn't handle it all at once, scared as if I was literally going crazy, trying to calm. Even much later I didn't want to close them; I'd be seeing Krishna. He was everywhere. It was as if the whole ocean took over the lake, and 'I' was no longer only Krishna, God infiltrated my entirety completely.

This time I found him smoking a cigar doing something in a garage, I went to hug him. He showed up clear and see-through as the entire Universe; I breathed hard until suddenly I was somewhere else seeing Buddha smoking a cigar. The message from them was "relax." Then I found myself putting three cigars in my mouth at once, holding myself with one arm, sucking on them speedily trying to be at ease.

"Relax! Relax!" I yelled loudly, rocking back and forth. Since I couldn't truly do so, I screamed extremely loud.

"I'm going insane! I'm going insane! Oh my God! I'm going insane! Oh my God!"

Krishna took over made it seem 'I' didn't exist, at all. Breathing heavily, I opened my eyes trying to calm down, yet just a bit later I closed them again.

Similarly, he was doing something in the garage, so I went to hug him. He was the only thing I truly, deeply and immeasurably love to no end - he was who I became. My heart, my soul, my absolute entirety, the deepest core of my being and non-being was this itself.

"Hold me! Hold me!" I said.

"Relax!" he said.

"I accept! I accept! I accept! This is my consciousness! I accept! It is my consciousness! I accept! I accept!" I shouted.

Then I opened my eyes. There were no words to say what I was going through as I couldn't explain this at all. The thing was - I came to this many times and now it was completely here. Moments later, I shut them again. The Divine God waited in midair. I went to put my arms around his waist.

"Just hold me," I said.

We both lay on air; he held me. He manifested as the whole Universe transparent, nonetheless I stayed put, accepting this was truly my consciousness now. This carried on for a bit until I truly accepted it, although the next day it happened again during working on the memoir. A vision of myself lying down with him emerged. Instead of just Krishna appearing crystal clear as the Universe, I was by his side.

"It's my consciousness! I am my own consciousness! I am my own consciousness!" I yelled rolling on the floor, holding my head. Images of people, places, and things also emerged.

"There's no one else, nothing else. It's me all along. It's all me. All is my consciousness! Everyone, everything, anything! Everyone, everything, anything! It's all my consciousness! Everyone, everything, anything! Everyone, everything, anything! It's all me! It's all me!"

Moments later, I uncovered my eyes, took deep breaths then continued working on the book, but then later it seemed I was being taken over. Silently to myself, I shouted.

"I'm going insane! I'm going insane! Oh my God! I'm going insane! Relax! Relax!"

The dizziness returned. I stopped reading the manuscript to go lie on the comfortable bed. Things changed almost drastically. When I drove to a supermarket in the evening, everyone was no more than Krishna, everywhere. It was instant, here and now as if I was in a whole new world.

The next day though resting in my room, I found myself lying gazing at him.

"Do you want to go do something," I asked. "Do you want to go play where I love you and you walk away from me?"

"No! I can't and won't do that," he said, and stood. "How about you walk away from me?"

"No! There's no way! I can't do that!" I replied, realizing how impossible it would be, like I would go through endless deaths unable to apart from him, at all. "Actually, I don't have any more roles to play, my love."

"Then enjoy this eternity with me," he said.

A memory of him walking away when he took form surfaced, leaving me behind for someone else. Tears fell remembering this. Since everything came down to just him and I, everyone I was in relationships with, was he.

"You left me in one of our relationships," I said hurting inside.

"You wanted to know what is like to feel rejected," he said. He looked soft seeing my sadness. He touched my face. "There's nothing I couldn't or wouldn't do for you, my love."

After hearing him, it brought deeper understanding - he did and would do everything, anything for love, for Self - everything and anything at all.

"Sing for me, my love," I said.

He put on one of my favorite Thai songs, which I had been listening to lately about how our love could never die and that it would last through eternity. Tears streamed, as I could feel his love and deep affections through my whole, seeping all over my soul. Then he put on another song about how he would go to any length, die and live for love, which made me deeply and immeasurably feel his true affections. I soared into the air.

"Your love is greatest, Krishna! Your love is greatest! Nothing can compare!" I shouted. "Those are the most beautiful songs you ever sang to me, my love."

The next day during meditation, it was only myself inside the universe appearing transparent, as the whole cosmos. Moreover, I lay leisurely then sat and then rolled around all by myself.

Suddenly I shouted, shooting in the air free, liberated.

"It's all just me! All of it! There's no one else! This is the Absolute of consciousness! The most clarity! This is the most perfect of consciousness! Woohoo! Yippee! Wow!"

In the evening near bedtime, a vision of a wormhole as big as the entire universe emerged, breathing. I dove right in. It immediately took me to a place similar to a painting, to meet younger Krishna about fifteen years old, playing flute. The entire atmosphere was serene, calming and clear. Then I saw myself making love with the adult Krishna as the whole entire cosmos itself making love. It wasn't in clear energy, but we were the whole world.

For the next couple of days I was sad, letting go even more and coming to accept what was going on suggesting I was moving on. Even in my dreams, my hair that was long below my shoulders was cut off.

In meditation, Krishna was lying leisurely, so I entered inside of him and became Krishna completely. As I was he, he was Oday La Kingsavanh, all along as I was Krishna, all along. Love was in love with love. Krishna was enjoying and loving himself as La and vice versa. There was no difference. La was who La loved all this time. There was no one else other than Self.

In the evening, a vision of myself standing behind Krishna occurred. He had his back towards me. The atmosphere was indistinctive.

"Tell me, do you search for me?" he asked.

"I am who I search for all along," I replied.

"Do you love me?"

"I am who I love, all along," I answered.

"Do you long for me?"

"I am who I long and yearn for, all along."

About a week later, I missed him and listened to songs he sang, but turned the music off before the songs ended. It was unspeakable the immense affections came through those songs. They had me in tears, each time.

In mediation, I walked on golden bridge lay ahead and golden air was all over. As I crossed, the bridge behind faded then the entire bridge vanished into nothingness while I stood on golden energy observing nothing except eternity. I opened my eyes, realizing there was nothing before or behind completely.

Then I found myself stepping on melting ice as if I was in ice land. The frost melted away under shining sun, and understood I was letting everything go. Krishna appeared with a turban on, and in fine clothing. Immediately, I rushed toward him and held both of his hands up.

"I miss you so completely. I can't go or be anywhere without you, my love. You're the only God in me," I said vulnerable.

He scanned the area then said: "A whole new world."

"A whole new world," I repeated understanding regarding inner changes taking place.

### Chapter 88

The following week unsure what was happening, I was low and in deep hollow at times, as if everything I used to know was fading. It looked as if I was letting go of everything, melting away like sheet of ice by the rays of the sun, no different than in meditations. Often, I had little breakdowns here and there when I got a chance to be alone, since Santi had vacation from school all week.

Oddly I couldn't meditate to understand clearer, but an image of myself standing in front of Krishna on melting ice surfaced, to help bring an understanding why I was hurt, though I didn't fully absorb the message while sulking, being with heavy energy burning all over inside. In the morning when I woke, I felt such deep hurt not wanting to get up. My entirety was ripped apart, and I curled into a fetal position.

Following my exercise routine in the afternoon, I ran upstairs, showered, and cried. The energy inside built up to such that needed my full attention.

"What's going on? What's going on?" I said heading to my bedroom, then closed my eyes listening to a song Krishna sang. In a moment, I turned it off.

A vision of myself in a room surfaced, viewing an image on TV screen of a video of a song I had been listening to. Then abruptly I was in another room with many TVs at least ten, though none had image, just static. My grandfather had led me to this very area many years ago. To shatter the screens, I reached out my hand. They broke in pieces. Suddenly I found myself in an open somewhere in broad daylight. Broken TVs and glasses slid down beige plastic tube into a bonfire.

"I let go. I let go completely and limitlessly," I said crying, watching everything dropping until it was only dark gray energy left. This incited my comprehension deeper, reasons for my distraught. There was no more TV, static or screens. The noises of the world were no longer, as if I had unplugged and burnt it all to none. Letting go was no doubt challenging, causing emotional despair like something inside had come to an end. Now it was just La Kingsavanh. Self. Everything and anything. All.

Later I sat by the bonfire observing the whole thing crumbling to ashes. Krishna arrived sitting nearby, whereas my tears fell. Another version of he and I appeared examining a swirly wormhole in front of them, then they both dove in at the same time.

"What are they doing?" I asked.

"They are together," he answered. "Together, together."

Curious, I closed my eyes trailing after into the vortex; however, they blended into one another with only their energies showed but had no difference.

"You are with me eternally. I'm nowhere without you. Wherever you are, I am," he said.

"I'm like a fool, Krishna. I let go of myself so completely, so truly. I love so immensely, blindly without question. It's like I'm a fool," I said and got up pacing and crying. "I'm such a fool!"

"Only a fool can love so deeply and so truly," he said. "Only a fool can let go immeasurably."

He extended his arm, so I could go to him while I stood looking at him filled with tears, understanding what he meant. A fool had no before or behind, no image to show, nothing to lose, and nothing to hold onto. He could only love vastly with no thought of this or that, and would do everything with his all, fully and totally losing himself in love without fear, as nothing bounded him, as though there was no he.

"Come here," he said.

I came and placed my head on his shoulder. He wiped my tears.

"Your love has no beginning or ending, my love," he continued, realizing where I was with myself after hearing him.

I had unlearned and untaught myself to where I was completely no different than a child who knew nothing of right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate; without limitations. My love was beyond reasons, judgment, and senses, remembering I came to this a few months ago where he said I was the "unborn born \- the purest," following a major breakthrough of facing fears of life and death. Now I was this itself, immersing into love until I was "it" as "I" no longer exist, but only energy that was love and in love.

He put his forehead on mine. "I fall for you so deeply, so completely, and hopelessly without end," he said.

"Like a fool," I said.

"Like a fool," he said.

"There are no words to describe my love for you," I shared. "Wherever you are, I am."

"It's a new beginning," he said, shooting himself into the air and lay on his side. "Since it never ends, it's always the beginning."

Following the meditation, I was calmer inside though I wasn't able to nap despite I didn't sleep well last night, and ran many miles on the treadmill. I lay absorbing the calmness and love within, unable to fathom my love had no bounds, without conditions and limitations.

Having dinner at my sister's house, I was playful, joking with my niece and nephews. Santi was happy to be around his cousins. The kids were quite loud, running all over. I was their coach.

At night, I closed my eyes. Right away, I found myself lying in Krishna's arms in empty hazy air. Smiling and gazing at him; I was hopelessly and blindly in love. He showed up with blue skin, wearing no shirt, only a turban and pants from his time.

"I'll sleep in your arms tonight," I said.

"Tonight, the night after and the night after, eternity," he said. It brought a big smile to my face.

"You like that?" he asked. I nodded.

"So, so much," I replied.

Then I found myself at a street I had been to decades ago in a big city in my early twenties, standing in the middle of it staring at a Chinese gift shop. Although I didn't go inside, I tried to see if the store sold items from back then, though everything was empty. The jars, shelves, and bowls held nothing in them. The Buddha statues, Chinese fans, jades, and other things were gone. Suddenly the sliding door shut, understanding everything was coming to close. The whole street became a ghost town, vacant and bare. Wearing only a white gown at night, I examined the empty boulevard. The shop seemed alive as if something was in it, though I couldn't truly explain.

Abruptly I created fire to burn buildings, stores and restaurants, anything and everything that existed there. A few people with their faces smeared full of smokes ran out in shock, leaving hurriedly. The buildings that weren't completely torched, I poured gasoline on them just by standing where I was and created fire to burn them to ashes. The fire blazed through the area, and I stood unmoved, letting myself go down with it. My skin, bones and the whole physical form melted to nothing.

"Letting go!" I heard.

Then I was back lying in Krishna's arms. He was sleeping. Gently, I kissed his forehead, then got up to ponder what I had to let go once and again. After facing myself continually, I was tired. It never stopped.

"Get some rest," he said despite he was resting with eyes closed.

Late into the night, I couldn't sleep well, paying attention and being with the residual effects of pain of moving on, ending of things, and listening to the same sad, mourning songs over and over until I fell asleep near dawn.

While drinking coffee in the morning, I watched the backyard nearing winter days. The trees were bare. Sean mowed and gathered those dead leaves covering the ground.

Granting I wondered how much more of letting go I had to do. Inside - I was deeply fatigue, though I surrendered to it momentarily. It never stopped. My life was no more than transforming and remembering, confronting myself unendingly, so I chose to embrace it. However, throughout the day, I was low, hollow and sad, yet it was lighter.

Nonetheless, I was unsure regarding the shop since periodically I had seen myself standing in front of this particular store after visiting it. Now it was gone, but I continued to think of it, curious why. Was there something more?

At 2 am in the morning, I woke up and unable to go back to bed, I found myself in empty dim air hugging Krishna. Unlike the first time surrendering to him, I was a bit scared of losing control; it wasn't the case this time.

"I surrender everything to you, my entirety, my whole, my all - everything and anything, my love. I surrender all to you completely," I said, doing it without hesitation, no holding back, losing myself in this love like there was no beginning or ending. It was a joy, liberation to submit my entirety to love, to Self, to God.

"I surrender all of me to you, my love. Everything, all of me is you," he said. "My only wife."

He had me face golden energy similar to a mirror.

"Look at how beautiful you are," he said.

When I did, I saw him, and when he looked at himself, he only saw La. Soon I was curious about the shop, and took myself there, bringing it back to the way it was, then walked inside it. It was empty, nothing except hollow vases and bowls. Krishna appeared gathering fans on the floor in his hands as though he was the shop owner. He was a bit different, yet I was still unable to comprehend the message.

"Was he here? Was he the shopkeeper when I was here? Is this why I can't let it go?"

He vanished. I sighted stairs going lower; I went under and opened the door. White cloudy energy swirling out, before white cloudy energies as gliders shot through one by one then a dragon in same energy flew off. I watched this outside the shop then entered.

"What else is in here?" I said and demolished the place into pieces, then swept the mess putting them in a garbage can.

Once everything was cleaned up, I hit on the ground. It split in half. More white cloudy energy airplanes flew out. The ground closed and opened, closed and opened, so I lowered myself to hold it steady with both of my arms extending. White cottony energies spiraled into the air.

"I'm letting everything out!" I yelled.

Once it was done, a grapevine grew from under. I came up watching, hoping the ground wouldn't destroy it since it was still closing and opening until it was completely shut. Shortly I found a long stick and sat it against the vine, helping it grow reaching the open sky where I couldn't see it. The newly gray stone cement buildings along the street surfaced. Everything was recreated.

A big gray cement stone structure similar to a Renaissance building with few floors replaced the shop. However, it was too close to the grapevine, so I dissipated it into air, moving it further away. A new street was created behind it, with black metal lamp posts and black shiny paved streets, and novel buildings, cafes, diners, and stores. When I witnessed the newly constructed buildings cramped together, I moved them further apart to create some space. The whole street became innovative, a fresh new town.

I took myself in midair lying on pure white energy, admiring the new creation amid eating ripened juicy peach. Krishna stopped by.

"Beautiful," he said. I put the peach in his mouth; he took a bite. We both lay sideways with one hand supporting our heads, enjoying the view.

"So, so beautiful," he continued, but he directly looked my way.

"Yeah?" I said smiling finishing the fruit in my hand. "Am I really now?"

Soon I soared into the sky, taking my clothes off. Now I was crystal clear, as if I was melted golden energy mixed with diamond together. Truly I was unable to describe this. There was no form. He just watched. Moments later, I showed my energy: light and clear, purest white, and I walked around a bit, but he didn't come up, watching in awe. When I was about to put my clothes back on, he was right in front of me.

"The clothes stay off," he said.

We held hands flying over the clouds.

"You are so extraordinary beautiful. The greatest beauty I have ever seen. Nothing can compare," he said looking at me. "Want to go to the beach?"

"Just us?" I asked. He didn't say anything. "Radha can come too."

My love with him was secure, so I wasn't as jealous if we were to invite other Gods and Goddesses to join in our evening.

"No, just us," he replied. We strolled on the beach at night until he turned around, and said, "Your love is purest, truly purest."

"It's why I can be here with you," I said.

"You're the greatest love of my life. My only wife," he continued.

"You're the greatest love of my life. There are no words to express my love for you. Nothing can compare Heaven or Earth. You are the only God for me. There is no other God but you," I said.

We rolled on the sand kissing then made love. A tent appeared; we were camping out at the beach again.

"All night," he said.

"All night?" I asked. It was 3 am in the morning. "Okay."

Once we made love, he headed to watch the calming, serene, golden reflection ocean.

"Come to bed, my love," I said, but he stood watching then made another him appear to sleep by my side.

"What's he doing?" I asked.

"Observing," he said.

This means I'm observing.

In the morning no doubt I was tired, and yelled at Santi a couple times when he wasn't cooperative with brushing his teeth, putting clothes on and constantly whined. He was better once he was held. We walked to school. On my way back, I wondered if Krishna was the shop owner when I visited it two decades ago. The shop consistently appeared in my dreams or when I closed my eyes similar to the forest when I took buffalo home on my own. He saw my courage and bravery at young age and never left my side.

The next evening, we found ourselves in empty air again. Golden energy appeared similar to a mirror, he and I blended into one another as one golden light.

"There's one God," he said.

"I accept," I said.

The following night, I woke due to coughing spells near morning and wasn't able to fall back to bed. It was 5 am. Tossing and turning with my eyes closed, I saw myself at the new town, assessing the building replacing the shop.

"Why am I here again?"

Few seconds later, I dissipated it into air then pounded on the ground dividing it, nothing was there so I closed it, though it looked as if it was just patched, not shut all the way to how it was. About to walk off, but I stayed put observing it then split it in half. Now it closed and opened similar to previous; however, the gap was smaller.

I dropped down going deeper to see what was underneath, there wasn't anything. Yet, I sat in meditation formless becoming the ground itself. White, clear energy swirled coming from underneath filling the whole street. Soon purest air covered the entire town, spreading to the big city and shortly the entire Universe. While it was happening, I heard.

"God. The Almighty. The All Powerful. The All Knowing. The All Existing. God. The Almighty. The All Powerful. The All Knowing. The All Existing. God. The Almighty. The All Powerful. The All Knowing. The All Existing."

Once done, I took myself in the air observing the entire planet filled with purest, clearest energy. Then I headed to the beach. Krishna slept under the tent; I crawled in.

"You got it," he said.

"I got it," I said.

The tent was small, so I expanded it, making it bigger before dissolving it into thin air. We lay under nightly skies. I turned clear abruptly, unseen as consciousness seeing the whole cosmos. He was right behind, unseen and clear. I turned around amused inside.

"Did I ever tell you?" I said.

"Hmm," he said.

"That you are the only God, love for me?" I said.

"Always," he replied.

"Always? Always? Always, huh?" I asked. We resumed our forms and returned to beach chasing each other.

In the morning I woke tired from waking too early. Santi was up whining and crying. The whole morning, he cried and whined. I was exhausted that day and wasn't able to write much. Many changes occurred inside, though I couldn't truly pinpoint what they were. However, I noticed nothing affected me much. Increasingly inside I was getting purer and was moved by this. It nearly brought tears. My love for Self, everything and anything was truly pure, untouched, and untainted.

When I picked Santi from school, he cried in frustration that he didn't get pick up in a car. His school was two blocks away from our house, a minute drive. He wanted a piggy back ride, so I carried him instead. He was heavy so I sat him down. He cried and whined again, though I told him he could stay where he was. I walked ahead. He ran behind calling. I held him, but he wiggled which made it hard to carry. He became heavier. He wanted an apology for not picking him with a vehicle.

"I'm sorry, my love. I will pick you in a car next time. It is so nice to today. The sun is shining."

After he ate his lunch, he watched his shows, whereas I tried to nap, but couldn't. Inside, I was still grieving. Suddenly I saw myself emerging from the ocean holding a magic wand in my hand at night. Then I soared completely high and went through a cathedral filled with light beaming and through the roof similar to a dome. I kept going until seeing angels with wings flying around, see-through, transparent as well as Jesus, with wings. One of them said: "You're an Angel, a Goddess."

I continued going higher saying: "All is God. All is God. All is God."

The light was brighter as I made my way toward it. It was immensely brilliant, truly immaculate, and indescribable. Once I reached it, Jesus stood, with his arms open in one white outfit. I almost burst into tears.

"My God," I said putting my forehead on his. "I love you so truly, so deeply, so immeasurably, my love. There are no words to describe my love for you, my Eternal Beloved. I love you without end, eternally."

He faded. Continuing upward, I found myself emerging from the sea instead, crawling to shore. Strangely when I opened my mouth, colony of June bugs scurried off from it, swarming everywhere on the sand.

"Release them all!" I heard Jesus shouted from somewhere.

The bugs covered the shore after I was done.

"It's released!" he shouted.

"All is released!" I heard all around.

Then I soared even higher continuing from where I was, witnessing light which was much brighter, clearer as big as a sun. I made my way to it then immersed myself in it, noticing I had turned into Shiva sitting transparent in meditation as the Universe. The galaxies flowing inside as I sat, before raising my right hand then opened my palm. Aum symbol displayed. I got up walking, saying, "It's me, all along. It's me, all along."

Suddenly I emerged out of the ocean again, before finding myself at a hair salon. My black hair was little below my shoulders. A lady with scissors in her hand was ready to do her job.

"Shave it all off!" I said.

She put away the scissors, got a razor and shaved my hair from one side and making her way around my head. In a moment, I was bald. My head was nearly white like an alien or a newborn without hair, though I was about twelve-year-old looking similar to a monk, wearing a beige gown with a long off-white short sleeve vest over it. I headed toward the beach and sat in meditation. Vishnu appeared in porcelain skin, in golden pants, and golden head crown on, with four arms from the ocean. The deepest love for him, the romance everything surfaced that softened my whole, and I wanted to weep, though I didn't go to him, but kept yelling his name.

"Vishnu! Vishnu! Vishnu! Vishnu!"

He vanished. A boat appeared, though no one was on it. Momentarily another God in blue skin appeared wearing a gold head crown sitting on the boat, similar to both Krishna and Vishnu. I got up heading toward him and observed until he vanished. Buddha arrived suddenly and rowing the boat as I sat silently. Shortly noticing I had turned into Buddha sitting in midair crystal clear, with very light gold energy swirled around, as I slowly spun.

"The Truly Awakened One!" I heard once I stopped spinning. I opened my eyes from napping, lying in my bed.

The next morning, a vision of myself with Krishna caressing his face, surfaced.

"I love you so infinitely," I said.

"It's always you," he said.

"I accept. I accept you. I accept us. I accept Self," I said.

### Chapter 89

After taking a break from writing to relax, an image of myself driving in the forestry road and in a white sweater carrying a passenger purse, occurred. The light displayed brilliantly so I got out, then flew up only to lie inside a white room. Myself in the same outfit entered, and said, "It's clear now."

Above was clear light, so I moved upward and lay in the all-white room, with clear white light directly above. She (myself) entered.

"It's all clear now," she said.

"Let's go brighter!" I said, flying higher to absorb the light overhead, as I lay in it as 'it', this time.

"It's all very, very clear now," she said upon walking in.

The meditative scene switched, where I traveled along a very deep wormhole. Despite it, I continued until finding myself running down a hallway full of Krishna's pictures, then Shiva's.

"It's all one now," I heard. As I continued, I kept hearing: "It's all one now. All is one now. All is the same now."

"It's all one now. It's all the same now. All is one now," I repeated.

The top, the middle, and the bottom had no difference. One. There was no distinction in who I was. No Heaven, Earth, or Hell, but La Kingsavanh: Self. Love. God. One.

Riding on the escalator, I carried Krishna's picture close to my heart. Suddenly I was in an airplane, getting ready to sky dive. He appeared behind.

"Are you going for it?" he asked.

"I'm going for it!" I replied then jumped, turned around looking at him with his picture on my chest, though I didn't recall if it shattered into pieces. Then I faced earth, spreading my arms, free falling and yelling.

"I'm liberated! Woohoo! Completely liberated!"

The next couple of days following writing everything and re-reading, I was deeply serene stepping downstairs to prepare lunch. An image of myself sitting inside the universe emerged. A Thai song played in the midst of gazing at Krishna flirting with him.

"I'm in love again!" I said smiling. "It's starting over again."

He vanished. Instead of him, I appeared wearing a white sweater watching myself and flirting. I smiled back at myself. The meditation scene shortly changed. Whereas, I was in a hallway at a high school, and saw myself everywhere. I grinned.

I'm always in love with myself, eternally.

It was cold outside, so I cooked noodle soup serene inside. To make the soup delicious, I added lots of mushrooms, shrimps, eggs, and vegetables.

"What liberation! What an awakening! Wow!"

A vision of myself filling the entire universe with golden energy surfaced during lunch. The Gods and Goddesses showed up and stood in the air. I added golden sparkling, lively stars and sat watching. The Gods faded into golden light. Another of myself came to sit close by; I leaned my head on her.

"I love you so truly, so deeply, and so immeasurably," she said. "It's always you."

"I love you eternally, La Kingsavanh," I said, then kissed her forehead. She left. Alone by myself, I continued admiring the universe, until I asked Krishna to come out and play.

"I'm always with you, in you as you, my love. I never left," he said. Immediately the enormous love and affection filled my whole, seeping all over.

"Krishna! Krishna! Krishna!" I said.

After lunch, I got dressed and headed to get gas and an avocado smoothie for celebration. Later, I planned to go for a long drive. Deep within myself, I was in disbelief.

"Since there's no before or after," I said quietly.

"Power," I heard.

"I made it!" I said.

During the drive and listening to music, I observed clouds, trees, grounds, people, and buildings along the way embracing all, as who I was. Not only I realized, understood, knew, came to experience and remembered all, but I was "it" this itself. There was no separation and never was. I was 'they' and 'they' were myself: anything and everything.

"Whoo hoo!" I said driving and nodding my head to the rhythm of the music. "I am God!"

### Chapter 90

A few weeks later when closing my eyes for meditation, I sighted a big door in semi dark air and white light reflecting. I approached and opened it. On the other side was an ocean with a bridge made of rocks. A small white dog with a leash came walking by my side. I grabbed the rope. We walked to the middle, until the bridge dissipated into air, although the dog and I continued strolling on ground. The water divided itself, making a way for us.

"What if the waves come?" the dog asked.

"We'll let them come!" I replied smiling. "I'm okay with it. I'm okay with everything!"

Soon midsize waves headed our direction and dumped on us, though we walked on until bigger waves headed our way, I smiled.

"Let's go ride on them. Come on! Let's go surf!" I shouted.

Holding the dog in my arm, I flew to stand on those waves, then sat on them as they moved up and down. The waves suddenly stopped. We sank in water; however, I stayed calmly smiling though the dog had turned into stuffed animal.

Soaking wet, I headed towards shore. A bridge appeared; someone I knew was sitting on the edge of it, unsure why it was him instead of Krishna. He wore sun glasses with long-sleeve shirt that rolled to his elbow, had blue jeans and sneakers on.

"You're here," he commented.

"Yes, I am," I replied, observing him for a bit. "I'm happy for you. Happy you found happiness."

Then I strode towards sand, dried my hair, and made a beach maxi skirt with a white hugging short sleeve shirt appear on my body. The little puppy came back to life. We strolled along the beach, but the guy followed.

"I can take it from here. Thank you," I said. He vanished.

"What about the waves?" the dog asked.

"There are no waves," I replied, realizing there was nothing else except what was, the here and the now - the Isness. Self.

A few dark brown/black horses appeared standing in front of us. I stroked one of the horses' manes, before hopping on it, with the dog sitting in the front. We rode, and momentarily Krishna rode on a white horse coming our way

"It's about time he shows," I said.

He stopped, reaching his hand to grab mine.

"Come," he said. Instead of sitting behind or in front, I sat facing him with the pup between us.

"Our dog," I said. Next, we were on sand, walking our dog together. It was no different than being home.

The next day I continued working on the memoir. It was unbelievable how I could write a lengthy book of over 600 pages. That day I was tired. Having dry coughs at night hindered from getting good rest. More and more I accepted myself. It all came down to just myself, that there was really no one else besides this. All was my consciousness. Everything and everyone was La - Self. There was no difference.

Later, I chose to rest on my bed. Once my eyes were shut, I was in the universe in front of Shiva. He was meditating. He lifted his right hand and an Aum symbol displayed. Then more symbols showed everywhere. I soared about blending into Aum, until the meditation scene switched to where I was inside black hole.

The machines were the same: shiny, black and new. Roughly a year ago, I shut these machines off unsure of reasons then. Possibly I was scared of myself.

"Activate the machines!" I shouted upon my arrival. At the moment, realizing inside I wasn't afraid of who I was anymore. Suddenly all the machines moved. Golden light emitted from underneath the machines filling the air.

"Wow!"

I stopped the meditation, heading downstairs to make food for Santi before picking him from school. This day I wasn't feeling as good unsure how to explain it. Seeing Shiva only meant something inside was coming to an end, though I wasn't certain what had to be destroyed and let go. What attachments, conditions, thoughts, and desires I needed to face.

Once Santi slept at night, I meditated. Many hands moved as if I was under water looking to the surface; however, it was clear energy. I shot myself up. The hands disappeared, yet an old, rusty, corroded nail hammer was there, so I grabbed it. Clear golden light was directly above, I flew higher with the hammer shouting, "It's salvation! Liberation!"

I came through the same manhole, but this time instead of seeing light poles, the atmosphere was full of green mixed with yellow aurora. I soared in awe and put more into the magnificent air, just by reaching my hand. Northern lights displayed from my palm, similar to light came through a projector.

"Wow!" I said. "I can transform anything into anything!"

Then I took myself upward, observing the hammer and wondering why it was rusty and thought maybe I didn't need the metal and was going to throw it away, but kept it. I stopped, peering at the rusty thing closely then reaching out my hand to take off the brown crusts. They fell away briefly, but immediately sticking back to the mallet. I made hot boiling tank appear and dropped the hammer in. The hot water melted off corrosions. The mallet was cleaner, although it wasn't too shiny.

"It's good enough I suppose," I said continuing upward until arriving to the machine world once again.

"Activate all the machines! All of it!" I shouted.

Soon green, yellow and different color gemstones spreading everywhere in entire air, plus galaxies, nebulous, planets and other shiny, shimmering things, with golden light glimmered inside the universe. Truly I couldn't verbalize the magnificence in front. I soared about immersing myself in it.

"It's illumination! Illumination!" I shouted.

Then I stood in front of the vacuum, now it was similar to a dryer, but deeper in silver metal.

"Do something," I said throwing in the hammer. The machine rotated and broke it.

"What?" I said.

Krishna appeared.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I don't know! I don't even know," I said smiling then chuckled. He was transparent, see-through, and I could see the entire Universe in him.

He stood on the other side of a conveyor belt. The machine could transform the hammer into something else, similar to turning the destruction of three worlds into porcelain Buddha statues. We waited.

"All is illuminated," he said looking at me. Immediately I understood, closing my eyes with deep peace inside.

The hammer rolled out, he picked it up. It was gleaming silver with clear blue color on its head.

"Wow!" I said following it to the circle in a different room, and sat in midair observing as it spun. Krishna left, but was around as consciousness Universe waiting.

"My Goddess," he said after a bit.

"I'll be there, my love," I said watching. The hammer gradually faded, until its energy transformed into different gemstones. They drifted into the air adding to the entire atmosphere. I floated along, watching its brilliance as the whole place was no way to term.

"Spectacular!" I yelled. "Magnificence!"

Krishna appeared with just upper half of him about to play his flute.

"Wait. Not without me," I said pouted just a little, and went to stand next to him. We played the same instrument together. He turned around, putting his head against mine.

"Wherever I am, you'll be," he said.

"And wherever I am, you'll be," I said. "You're my eternal beloved."

"And you're my eternal beloved. In me, there's only you," he said.

"And in me, there's only you," I said, touched by this.

Momentarily I sailed around with depthless, purest energy of love as it was now my entirety itself. My being and non-being contained only energy of bottomless and immeasurable love, which was untainted and untouched as my Soul was the whole Universe, now truly illuminated.

"You're indescribable!" he shouted, indicating I was utterly, truly had no more descriptions to who I was. "The bravest soul I have ever seen!"

"It's because of this love that I'm here with you!" I shouted. "It's because of this love that I am who I am! It's because of this love that I'm here at all! It's all because of this love!"

Then I went to lie on my side with hand supporting my head. He came lying directly, with his hand cushioning his head.

"There are no more words for you," he said.

"Complete silence," I said.

"You are eternally with me," he went on. "Will never part again."

"Through this eternity, we are one," I said and lay in his arms.

Even more so, everything and anything was clearer, as I was completely conscious of everything and anything since now it was completely myself, not separated from anything. All was one and the same - Self. Love. God. As I was this, all was this itself.

The following meditation, I came through an ice lake. Krishna reached for my hand, pulling me up.

"You made it," he said.

We treaded on ice with snow covered pine trees and bushes, recognizing I had been here plenty of times. Sometimes there was ice and snow, and other times, none. It was the same open space, where I dumped static TVs into the bonfire, although I wasn't too enthusiastic about it, but walked alongside him. Shortly, he left.

"My love," I said.

He appeared inside me, playing his flute. I fell on my knees in tears before lying down. The sound of his Godly tune was truly magnificent and indescribable. It was depthless, immeasurable silence inside my Soul, like it couldn't even be spoken off or defined. The only thing I could do was embracing it, completely.

"I'm always with you," he said.

In tears, I observed the sky.

"What a journey! Wow!" I shouted.

Momentarily I picked myself to observe the surroundings, then raised both of my hands above my waist. The icy ground lifted. I closed my hands, it dissolved into air. I opened my hands, the whole ground transformed into red, yellow, white and other colorful tulip gardens. It was, as if I was in a different location, but wasn't - just transformed everything where I was.

"Yes!" I said. The blue God returned, watching the transformation.

"You've changed," he said though I wasn't sure what he meant. Was it from destruction to creation?

"It's just you now," he said. His comment saddened me just a bit. "I can never be apart from you."

He left. Gently I reached my hands out, the gardens levitated until they faded into nothing. Just by opening my hands, quickly I was surrounded by cherry blossom gardens.

"Wow!" I said, amazed by light pink, white flower trees, everywhere.

"Krishna!" I yelled, wanting him to witness it.

He showed up, observing what I did.

"The most beautiful," he said, yet he was watching me.

He picked the flower from the tree, and placing it in my ear. Soon, he left. Next, I made a small flowing creek appear then dipped my index finger in it, to create coil fish. They swam; I sat on the rock relaxing. Momentarily, I took out my flute to play lying on my back.

Krishna arrived, sitting in the air playing his instrument along, and making sakura flowers fall, covering my entire my body and the area. Our tune was deeply in sync, echoed profoundly inside my whole. Once again, I wanted to burst into tears, deeply moved by the magnificent sound of completeness. There was no language to transcribe the unimaginable, magnificent harmony of our melody that filled my inside and everywhere around. I lay quietly in disbelief of such unspeakable phenomenon.

"This is heaven. It's complete Nirvana," I said softly.

He descended, observing me, from head to toe.

"Want to make love?" he asked.

"Yes," I said. "All the time with you."

To take off my clothes, I gestured my hand. They vanished. Gradually my energy showed. It was clear, flawless, untouched gold. He was speechless. Soon my form faded, yet my formlessness gradually became all immaculate gold. It nearly brought me to tears, ungrasp of how far I came.

"You're perfection," he said in awe, watching closely. "The most beautiful."

The Gods and Goddesses came, standing in the air. I sat up.

"The Perfect One!" they all said. "The most beautiful! The Truly Awakened!"

They left. Krishna and I made love. It was different this time, our energies danced together. No doubt I wanted to cry; it was ungraspable.

"So much love, Krishna," I said.

"Who you are," he said.

I stopped the meditation, lying quietly in my bed filled with utter calmness and silence.

The very next morning though, I got alerts from my bank, informing my account was overdrawn by the advertisement company I advertised my memoirs with. The news was panicking, as I browsed through the account briefly before getting out of bed, of how much was taken. Nonetheless, there wasn't time to carefully review the bank statements since I had to get Santi ready for school.

"Oh my God!" I said unsettled.

After I quickly dropped him off, I returned home and drank coffee looking at the yard, although I was uneasy as energy moved; however, there was calmness inside, as well.

Once I spoke to Sean on the phone about disciplining Santi and what happened, he suggested calling the advertisement agency.

"I can't escape this choice. I made this choice. There's nothing I can do," I said, realizing it was something deeper that was occurring. "I have to do it. It's like I have no choice. It has to be done. There's nothing I can do."

The business hours opened, I was on the phone with the representative. We reviewed my account together; I was stunned. The account had a negative balance.

"Oh my God!" I exclaimed. "Can you guys refund me? I didn't know I would be charge this much! Otherwise, I wouldn't have done it."

He put me on hold to go speak to someone. While waiting, the energy immensely churned though I did sit ups and arm exercises not thinking; however, I was deeply okay with it all, despite the unsettling energies turning and twisting. He picked up the phone, telling they couldn't return the charges.

"Oh my God!" I said then became emotional. "I have no money at all. I'm not even working."

I easily cried this time. He consoled by saying he would do what he could, and placed me on hold to go talk to his manager. It didn't matter if I had no money. It was freeing not having anything, as if I didn't need whatsoever at all, and hoping they wouldn't return the money. It seemed I wanted to move on, though I wasn't sure moving on from what, realizing there was something else transpiring, changes I couldn't truly understand clearly at the moment.

He returned saying they had to investigate. It would take until the next day. I cried again. He begged me not to, but recognizing while doing it, it brought clarity regarding Santi's reasons for his whining and crying, to get some sort of response, for someone to understand.

I contacted my bank informing of the same situation; the operator transferred my call to the customer claims department to dispute the charges, though the manager said there wasn't much they could do.

"It's okay," I said to myself as he spoke. "I'll take the loss. I have no need for anything. Please don't' refund me."

Regardless of the uneasiness inside, I didn't comprehend how light it was to have none, independent from all things. It was a new beginning. Truly, I hoped they'd keep the money as I didn't want it, and having a negative balance on my bank account was freedom. The situation aided my insights and understanding a bit more, relating what was transpiring inwardly. Something was coming to an end, though unable to pinpoint it exactly, it had been going for days.

During lunch, I glanced at the yard, a song about 'the dream is over and being sad by it,' kept popping up until I got a headache. I was moving forward with myself. The situation with the bank and advertising agency enlightened the situation, making it clearer.

"Since there's nothing before or behind me, let's see what I can do," I said.

Then I walked upstairs to work on the memoir; nevertheless, the energy swirled, turned and burned so strongly that I couldn't focus, to the point of breaking down, so I decided to meditate to grasp deeper.

I found myself surfacing through ice water, with fish in my mouth like a grizzly bear. I grabbed it with my hand looking to see if it was dead, but it was still alive. I let it back to the icy water as I sat on melting ice. It swam away, but the water was murky. I put my energy in it. The water became shiny, sparkly like diamonds, afterwards.

"I will do anything for you, my love," I said to the fish, then sobbed.

"Thank you so much for everything, for all the experiences you've given me to be here with me. I could have never asked for such love, for this kind of immeasurable love."

After hearing myself, brought more understanding. I was letting go.

"I must go on. I must move on. I must keep going. I must keep going."

This indicated that the journey wasn't done. After wiping my tears, I treaded on water that was still dissolving from ice and continuing to dissolve.

"Krishna's wife is the bravest soul," I heard, a conversation of two women.

"Krishna loves her deeply," another said.

"She's the only Goddess for him. They really love each other," another added.

I came upon a small pond that had much thawed from frost and saw few fish swimming. To catch them, I made a net appear in my hand. Krishna and Vishnu showed up, sitting high in the air watching. Vishnu lay on his elbow with his hand on his knee. I dipped the net under to catch, but when lifted, the net had no bottom. It was cut off.

"She won't catch anything," Krishna said. "Nothing sticks to her."

His comments meant I wasn't attached. I could cry, scream or pout, but there wasn't anything holding me, I was just air. If there was, though soon it'd be gone, with no trace, just like letting the fish go after I just caught it. Nothing stuck as there was no 'me'. It looked as I was moving forward to the life of non-attachment; freedom and liberation.

"Your wife is incredible. Pure gold," Vishnu commented.

Then I attempted catching the swimming creatures with my hands; they swam off. A bit later I was having fun, playing, and enjoying myself. Shortly, I created a lake from melting ice, making it fresh by adding my golden energy into it.

"For you, my love," I said, watching different types of fish swam in it happily.

Krishna descended. His legs were in water, too.

"Come here," he said. He gave a big hug. "Letting go of yourself is a beautiful thing."

He grabbed my waist flying us somewhere.

"Stay with me. Be with me. Focus on me," he said.

No doubt I was moved by his love, reminding to be with him every time if anything happened or if I went through hurt, as he, too, was going through it, as well.

Later in the evening during running on the treadmill, I remembered a representative who helped design the ad informing about the charges months ago, although I didn't think my add would had many views or possibly I didn't understand her clearly when she explained the charges and how many clicks I'd get, to get the charges I received since bidding very low.

In addition, I didn't check on my ad consistently. My focus was solely on writing and transformations I underwent along the way, and had forgotten it. When I did check, I clicked on the wrong ad and then forgotten it almost immediately, as it wasn't there. So, I took full responsibility for all of it, what I did or didn't do. All was my own creation, and was thankful, grateful for what happened.

It was beautiful, perfection.

The situation brought much insight, helping my comprehension with what was occurring within, which I couldn't fully grasp while going through it. Now it was crystal clear; I was sailing forward from diamond to gold, to independence, to illumination and to salvation.

The bank dropped over drawn fees, so the balance on the account was zero. Having none: nothing to my name, face, mind or body; no description, no history, no before or behind as if I was invincible. I was zero, at the center of myself - the eternal.

At night, it was challenging to rest enduring energies, feeling like I was completely cut-off, being fired, and let go from something. Even so, I stayed with it, being mindful, aware, and understood the causes for them.

In meditation, I found myself dancing in a red skirt with a short sleeve white shirt on, twirling with porcelain cloudy energy. Krishna played his flute. I was very flexible, able to arch my back, lift my legs, and jump in the air, not much different than a professional ballet dancer. My energy showed once I stripped off my clothes; he stopped playing, as if I couldn't do that in front of him. His world would stop, so I put it back on. He continued.

Moments later, I stripped naked. He stopped altogether.

"Krishna! If you want me! Come and get me!" I yelled then flew away. He chased.

Following our intimacy, I touched his face.

"Tell me, my love," I said. "Will you go to the end for me?"

"Always," he replied. "Never stop. I can never stop."

His love brought tears, deeply moved my core.

"I will do it over and over, my love. Go through highs and lows for you," I whispered.

My love could never end.

### Chapter 91

On my way to get an avocado smoothie at a Vietnamese restaurant, everyone was Krishna. The music, the videos, a man sat next to my side waiting for food, everyone and anyone, everything and anything was he. At times I'd smile seeing videos of men dancing because it was him. He would do and be anything, everything and live and die for love.

A few days later in meditation, I was somewhere in a forest looking at a tree with light emitting through it clearly. Buddha appeared in the air crystal clear, transparent. Soon many of him showed all over lying down, sitting in meditation, resting, and so on.

"The Enlightened One!" I heard.

After observing Buddha, I closed my eyes chanting:

"Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa.

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa."

"God," I heard.

Then I shot completely high yet found myself coming out of water with grapes in my mouth, and headed to sit in the corner leaning on the Buddha statue eating the fruit.

"I am alone. Completely alone," I said. "I can be alone in Self. I'm okay with it."

Buddha emerged everywhere transparent, sitting and lying, and in meditation as everything and anything. The sky was dim. A wagon carried wooden boxes parked directly, I opened them. The first box I undone, bats or similar to them flew off though they were energy. The rest were empty. About to burn them, but they stacked one by one in the air, so I didn't.

In the sky, I spat out all the grapes.

"I don't need anything. I need nothing!" I shouted then sailed upward.

There's no fear just freedom.

Next, I was on the beach viewing ocean. Buddha appeared crystal clear sitting in meditation, one of him was reclining, another was resting, and more. He was the ocean, the sand, the sky - everything. All.

"The Enlightened One," I heard again.

Momentarily, I turned formless observing the silent sea. Buddha vanished. People gathered to enjoy the beach, whereas I sat similar to Buddha watching. Then, I lifted my right palm.

Waves abruptly emerged, before a shark with sharp teeth grinning toward people. They scattered, nonetheless I sat calmly witnessing everything happening. Although I could stop the waves, the shark, freeze the scene or dissipated all into air; however, I did nothing, choosing to watch as it was occurring. Instead of rescuing a woman lying on a log away from turbulent waves, I sat observing and closed my eyes in compassion. Allowing everything to be as it was, without interruption only full acceptance of life whatever it was, with understanding and love for it all. Life was truly immaculate as itself. Moreover, within myself, there was no desire for anything to be this way or that way any longer, but simply as it was.

Soon, everything was gone besides calming blue ocean. I sat transparent as consciousness, viewing the sand and the beach. And soon I missed Krishna. He came immediately behind formless. I turned around.

"I miss you," I said.

"I miss you, my Goddess," he said. We kissed and about to make love. I lay down for him to make love to me.

"Right here? Like this?" he asked.

"Right here. Like this," I said.

"You really have let go," he said, which touched me, so I sat to hug him, wrapping my legs around his waist.

"So I can be with you completely where there's no difference with us," I said. Tears covered my cheeks. "I love you so, so much, so infinitely."

We lay leisurely relishing tranquility of the sea and atmosphere.

"Want to take form and go play?" he asked.

"No. I'm done. I have no more desire," I said. "I'm tired. I just want to watch. I'll come back one more lifetime and that's it."

"Then it shall be done," he said. I lay again, wanting him to make love to me, though he kept observing closely in awe.

"The most beautiful Goddess I've ever seen," he said and continued watching. "Complete perfection."

"My love," I said, though he continued to be speechless. "My love! Krishna!"

I sat back up to kiss him, although I couldn't describe our love making. It was deeply ungraspable, nothing could compare.

"I like this, too," he said holding me afterwards, making love without form, only pure consciousness of depthless and eternal affection.

Then I disappeared inside him and sat in mediation, in silence unafraid. He arrived to watch, though it was still overpowering yet I sat unmoved, not leaving or shouting for him. There were waves of being overwhelmed by it, although my entirety was calm.

"Want to take a break?" he asked.

"No," I replied. "It's me now."

Momentarily he came and put his forehead on mine; it relieved the overwhelming strength of it. I busted into tears, moved by his love. He knew me truly, completely. I held his hands, almost falling forward by the immense strength of silence. He led me to lie on his chest.

"You're the bravest soul I've ever seen. Wherever you are, I am," he said.

"And wherever you are, I am," I said dissolving myself in this eternal affection and oneness.

"In the absolute silence lies power," he shared. Immediately I understood and had come to it.

"When I'm ready, my love," I said.

"When you're ready," he said feeling my face.

He made a golden flute appeared in his hand, giving it to me. I sat adoring it. It had gold strings with hearts and designs in pure gold. This brilliant instrument was much bigger than ones he gave.

"Gold Soul," he said. I was touched then played the golden instrument. Swiftly, we were back at the beach.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I played. The sound was inconceivable, immaculate.

"The most beautiful sound I've ever heard," he said.

It was the sound of eternal silence, of God, of Aum, of peace, of liberation, of Oneness, and of my absolute, eternal Self. All.

Once finished, I dried my tears, turned to Krishna and kissed him. More and more, I was completely playful, joking often.

"Did I ever tell you?" I said.

"Hmm," he said.

"You're the most handsome God I've ever seen. The most handsome, handsome?" I said smiling.

"All the time," he said.

"All the time?" I continued, made pillows appear throwing them at him while I was in midair. "All the time, huh? All the time?"

Then I returned and lay next to him.

"Everything we do and say is eternal," he said.

"You're the most perfect God," I said putting my forehead on his.

Abruptly the meditative scene switched. I was in the eternal silence looking at Krishna, while he reclined with his arm on his leg. I walked toward him and sat as he. As I was Krishna, this time, there wasn't immense love, deep peace or silence, but supreme and unspeakable power. Unimaginable and unmovable power like I had never knew or came to, beyond anything unthinkable.

"Oh my God," I said and abruptly came out. I watched him and understood the power he led me to in the past, was just a taste, a speck of this Absolute.

### Chapter 92

The following afternoon during lunch, taking a break from writing, I glanced at the yard almost choked in tears. Not being separated from anything or from Self, was indescribable, remembering Krishna's words about my journey was to 'be with myself and be Self'. Watching birds glided in the sky and squirrels ran chasing each other up and the down the leafless trees during winter weren't anything but La Kingsavanh. I was with Self. My DNA, blood, veins, vessels, anything and everything, my core being and non-being was this itself - 'it'.

Then, I put on a song or a chant on smart phone: 'Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa'.

Shortly realized I had listened to this chant in ER a year ago, at this time, removing the painful cyst. Although I had chanted this in meditation many times yet didn't know the meaning of the mantra and didn't look into it; however, I'd listen to this tune when writing, relaxing and sleeping.

According to the internet it says: 'Honor to the Blessed One, the Exalted One, the fully Enlightened One'.

During my drive to buy toys with Santi once he was off from school, a vision of Krishna sat in the dim atmosphere emerged. Again, I approached and sat as he. The supreme power was undefinable; it couldn't be described or utter in words.

All I heard was: "The All Powerful. The Creator, the Destroyer and the Maintainer. The All Powerful. The Creator, the Destroyer and the Maintainer. The All Powerful. The Creator, the Destroyer and the Maintainer."

Then I resumed my own form, walking ahead. Different colors of energy similar to liquid or paint, but they were neither liquid nor paint, unsure how to elaborate. I divided them by gesturing my hand and then walked in the middle of these colors. By snapping my finger gently, the whole entire Universe was created.

"It's pure power!" Krishna shouted.

At that moment, my confidence was unshaken and untouched, as if I couldn't be destroyed. I was invincible and indestructible. Incredibly at the fastest speed, I speeded into the cloudless sky.

"My wife!" he yelled.

Without even lifting my finger this time, my clothes came off. It was instant and the clothing items vanished if they weren't there in the first place.

"Come and get me!" I yelled and flirting realizing I was in another realm of consciousness, the All-Powerful. Inside, I couldn't truly explain. There wasn't a single ounce of fear, as I was unbreakable.

"It's when you're ready," he said.

I watched Krishna and didn't truly grasp how extremely and supremely powerful he was as now I just came to it. He was this Eternity itself, the Absolute Powerful God. Even the words I used to define weren't close to describe the Incomprehensible. He was purely All Powerful, yet he was deeply and truly soft with purest, depthless love and compassion with no beginning, middle or end.

"It's when I'm ready," I said.

"The most beautiful Goddess I have ever known," he said, complimenting my fearlessness, where I would go to the end for Self, for love. Even myself couldn't or wouldn't be able to stop me at this point.

"Come here," he said. His embrace was always nice. "We will do it together, my love. My wife."

We lay around; I stopped the meditation.

Following the vision, everything in myself changed even more so. There was absolute peace, though there was also untouched confidence. It was unfathomable with what I just arrived to in myself.

In the morning I was up early and wasn't able to fall back asleep. Immediately after I shut my eyes, I was in Krishna's arms gazing at him. He then appeared transparent as the entire atmosphere similar to previous. Understanding I was in the _eternal_ completely, though this time didn't experience going insane.

"It's truly my consciousness, completely my consciousness. This is the ultimate of consciousness. The most perfect," I said silently.

About to put my clothes back on, he stopped me.

"The clothes stay off," he said. It was done at an instant. There were no objections or hesitancy. Love led me to deeply surrender all, with no word, no sound. More than this, I asked him to be naked, too.

"Can you handle it?" he asked.

"Yes, completely," I replied.

He gestured his shirt to come off. So, I sat up to watch his brilliance and magnificence, his flawlessness and perfection closely. Next his pants were stripped. This was the third time I had the privilege to witness the rarest sight of Krishna being completely in birthday suit. My mouth fell open. My eyes were transfixed. Seconds later, I flopped on my face, unable to conceive such perfection. I could forever watch, melt and be mesmerized blindly and hopelessly in him.

"Okay, the pants stay on," I said, deeply taken. Then I faced the clear sky in disbelief. On top of it, perfectly I understood his message by being 'naked'. It was being myself purely, La Kingsavanh as La Kingsavanh - my utmost true and bare Self, with no clothes (no identifications, conditions or attachments) just untouched golden energy, nothing, but Self alone.

Moved inside, tears filled my eyes, I turned to him.

"Thank you, my love," I said.

"There's nothing I couldn't or wouldn't do for you. There's nothing!" he said.

"Your love is greatest, truly the greatest, Krishna. Nothing can compare," I said tearing.

Later, I soared naked in the air. He watched speechless as I got to be more comfortable with myself.

"God! I love that God!" I shouted glancing at him until asking him to fly about with me.

"The pants come off!" I yelled.

"Then it's done!" he said. We flew bare in ourselves until we lay down to make love.

"It's who we are now," he said, afterwards.

"I accept," I said quiet, in deep peace, and realizing at the moment - he was my ultimate freedom, my liberation, myself, my Soul, my complete and ultimate of consciousness - the true power and Absolute Self.

"You're the most beautiful, truly the most beautiful," he said caressing my face.

Letting go was great freedom. In me, was complete lightness, not having attachment was complete liberation.

The following meditation near bedtime, I lay observing Krishna after we were intimate.

"You do everything for love," he said.

Elsewhere, I was inside a building filled with dark air heading toward a lighted door.

"How many more doors do I have to open?" I said wanting to weep, a bit tired of never-ending transformation and remembrance. Inside was fatigued.

"Just few more doors, my love," Krishna answered once he heard it.

After passing one door, a couple opened ones were ahead, I entered them. The last room held simply clear, purest white light. I flew into. The light pushed me completely high and I found myself sitting as the universe itself, and galaxies swirled inside my transparent form, though noticed I had transformed into Shiva, sitting as a cosmic God.

"The Destroyer!" I heard Krishna yelled.

"I am!" I shouted. Moments later, I reclined on top of the world as Vishnu looking at physical world.

"The Maintainer!"

"I am!" I shouted. Then I sat on white light in clouds, with pink lotus flowers on both sides.

"The Creator!"

"I am!" I yelled. "I am all! I am all! I am everything and I am nothing!"

Abruptly following this, I came through water with a fish in my mouth, chubbier than previous ones. It seemed as it was dead, so I held it closely observing then touching it gently a few times until I kissed its soft skin. It moved; I let the fish into a pond.

Krishna appeared.

"You're the greatest," he said, watching me looking at the fish swimming. "So kind. Truly compassionate."

He left, although I walked into the pond watching fish in green, murky water. I dipped my finger in it, making water fresher, and adding in green algae. Then I strode about.

"I will touch everything with my heart!" I said and pointed my index finger into water and walked. "I will touch everything with gold!"

As I continued making my way, dipping my finger, I kept saying:

"I will touch everything with love! I will touch everything with my heart! I will touch everything with love! I will touch everything with my heart!"

Immediately afterwards, I sat directly in front of Krishna.

"You are the most beautiful, truly the most beautiful. My Goddess," he said.

### Chapter 93

The next few days I didn't meditate. It was a major holiday, although every time I closed my eyes, I'd be with Krishna. Within was peace, calmness, in love and only love. It seemed I was invisible and invincible. Nothing could touch or disturbed my inner silence. If anything was bothersome, it was only a split second before it was gone, as if it wasn't there.

If it was more bothersome, I allowed it to be as it was, not thinking of it as this or that, or wanted to change it to be this way or that way, but just what was and be with it completely with love and understanding, with neither rhyme nor reason to it. Moreover, things could be bothersome, and at the same time, it wasn't bothersome at all instantly, as if everything became nothing, with no difference. I was crystal clear, truly hard to explain. Everything within was instant of both - everything and nothing at once. Inside, was deep, unmovable calmness. If they were some waves, they didn't affect the ocean, but similar to wind brushing on it.

"I made it. I really did," I said to myself eating lunch one afternoon. Later, I tried napping, but a vision of Jesus appeared. He was transparent.

"I just want to nap," I said.

Shortly I traveled a deep wormhole, thinking I was going to unlock something. It took many turns until it stopped. It became a hallway with gray stone bricks that were pretty much crumbled but hadn't fallen all the way. Then I was in a room full of crumbling walls, so I pushed them with both arms. They crashed down on me. Covering with dirt and dust, a shower stall appeared. I showered. Afterwards, I was somewhere else.

Jesus lay with his hand supporting his head. I went to kiss his forehead.

"Jesus Christ," I said.

White pillows appeared. I grabbed and tore them apart, throwing feathers in the air. I walked on. A blank little white notebook with a pen emerged in my hand. Jesus stood in brilliant, untouched golden mixed with sparkling diamond light. I walked through it.

"Christ conscious is love," I wrote.

Krishna appeared in the air, observing.

"My love consciousness is God."

Again, Jesus stood in the same way, and I went through his light. The book and pen were gone.

"Christ conscious is love," I said. "My love consciousness is God."

I treaded beaming inside glancing at Krishna.

"Christ conscious is love," I said and immersed in Jesus' light.

Then I speeded into the atmosphere, as this light itself and shouted, "My love consciousness is God!"

Gliding freely in the sky, Jesus said standing next to Krishna.

"She did it," he said.

"She made it," Krishna said.

"You got a good one," Jesus said, then left. Krishna called.

"My Goddess!"

Resumed my form, I descended and put my forehead on his.

"My love," I said. Soon I was playful again.

"Did I ever tell you?" I asked.

"Hmm," he said.

"That you're the only God for me?" I said.

"Eternally," he replied.

"Eternally?" I asked. "Eternally? I tell you that you're the only God for me eternally? Eternally, huh?"

I took myself into the air.

"Krishna! If you want me! Come and get me!"

Once we made love, I lay in his arms silently realizing the wholeness within myself, with him.

"I'm complete with you. I am so complete with you," I said.

Elsewhere, I was fishing in the ocean under nightly skies sitting on high rock with other people. My fish rod broke, not catching any. I tossed the rod into water, stood up and strolled.

"What are you doing," of one them asked.

"I'm done. I have no more desire," I said. "There's no desire in me."

Krishna showed in the sky.

"Then be with me in this eternity!" he shouted.

"There's nothing for me, my love, but to be with you through this eternity," I said.

Santi had two weeks of winter vacation from school. As far as working on the book, there was not much time. It was nice to have a break away from the memoirs, although inside I was light, clear; truly hard to elaborate. I could be doing the same thing over and had no thoughts for my doing, as if I just did it for the first time. The instant, the here and the now, and consciousness was who I was. When I ate, I just ate. If I watched shows, I just watched shows. There was neither rhyme nor reason, no before or behind, no description or detail except peace, love, and silence that was untouched and untainted. Truly and deeply remarkable, even describing this put tears of deepest joy in my eyes.

### Chapter 94

In meditation, I was riding on a white horse under dark skies not too far above, on soft dune grounds. Far ahead was a big stone Buddha statue, surrounded by numerous lit small round candles.

"It's all illuminated!" I heard as I rode. "All is illuminated. The entirety."

"It's all illuminated. All is illuminated," I repeated.

Continuing with the ride and getting closer, I heard:

"The Perfect One! The Ultimate One!"

Once arrived, I dismounted to take a closer look. The candles were everywhere on statue's palms, below, and all around. The ground dropped behind it. I witnessed lit candles filled the shore of the blue ocean, and realizing all of who I was, was illumined - above, middle, and below.

The meditative scene changed. I emerged from water, with a dead fish in my mouth, and spat it. A couple of dead fish was in water. I headed toward a boardwalk to sit watching the blue sea.

"There's nothing to catch. There's no more," I said.

I plunged to swim in the majestic ocean with sea creatures and arrived to the other side that held coconut trees and other types of trees, similar to a resort or paradise. The waves came, I ran toward them to ride. They placed me on shore again. The tides receded into the ocean, I noticed the off-white sand dried very quickly and the water became light blue air. The surfs returned, though they were just air with dried sand.

"There is no ocean, no waves, just me," I said.

While strolling, I saw a foot print on dead coconut leaf under the sand. I made a beach skirt and white hugging short sleeve shirt to wear and enjoying the blue sea, with beautiful sun's rays reflecting. Then I made a hammock tied to two coconut trees appear to relax for a bit, until going for another stroll. I heard footsteps trailing behind. I smiled.

He was getting close; I stopped, turned around to hug him. He took a form of a Caucasian man with short, sandy brown hair, medium height and build, in gray cargo shorts and no shirt, holding a beer bottle.

"It's just us," I said.

"It's always us," he said.

He treaded to relax in the hammock. I walked over to kiss him.

"I want to make love in the sand," I said.

"Yeah?" he said.

"Ah ha," I replied. He got up and we strolled.

"We never left," I commented.

"We never left, my love," he said. Suddenly he caused the sun to lower.

"It's getting dark," he said. I smiled.

After we made love, I lay in his arms. It was as if I was in completeness of who I was, whole, true, and balanced. The only word to describe this was "ultimate." It was ultimate peace, liberation, freedom, nirvana - complete enlightenment.

He vanished. I got up, though soon a boy monk in saffron appeared in midair with his hands folded. Many folding hands emerged in the sky. I sat in meditation with my hands folded together in front of my chest. In silence, an indescribable, untouched, and untainted peace surfaced immensely.

"Krishna. Krishna. Krishna," I said. Again, I was truly moved, ungrasp of such immeasurable peace. After a bit, I opened my eyes smiling calmly, playing with the sand, he sat close by. And now in his blue Godly form. Then swiftly, I was in a dim atmosphere sitting on a chair in front of a table, a white sheet of paper and peacock feather pen in my hand about to write.

'Krishna,' I wrote, but couldn't come up with words to express the incalculable love inside, so I was blank.

"Nothing to describe," he said when he appeared.

"Nothing to describe, nothing at all," I added.

No more descriptions, no more words - the eternal silence, I turned to embrace him in disbelief I was in this eternity and this eternity itself, nothing more.

He carried me to our bed made with dark wood with pillars on each corner and white sheets and pillows. There was nothing except light blue energy.

"Is this our eternity?" I asked.

"Everything is our eternity," he replied.

Then I stood, snapped my finger and the entire place transformed into a modern room with beige walls and pictures hanging on those walls, no different than an inside of a big apartment complex. I headed toward the fridge, drank water, and snapped my finger. Everything vanished into thin air, then returned to lie next to him.

"Do you like that?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"You create everything," he added.

"I create you?" I asked.

"And I create you," he said. "We create ourselves instantly."

"Wow. Incredible," I said. About eight or ten of myself appeared sitting on pink lotus flower seats in the air.

"Do you like that?" I asked.

"I can't get enough of you," he said, which immediately helped me remember when I put him everywhere in water, air, sky, ground was because I couldn't get enough of this Divine God. Soon he faded into light blue air.

"My love!" I said, then, I, too, faded into energy and flew alongside with him.

"We are energy that is love," he said.

"Yes, we are," I agreed. We resumed our forms and lay back in bed.

"Come here," he said. I rolled in his arms.

"I'm always here, my love," I said. "I never left."

Waking the next morning, I was peaceful and smiled at everyone while waiting for Santi to get inside the building for his class. All was just La - Self. The indescribable love inside almost had me choked in tears.

I love myself!

There were no trees, grounds, skies, clouds or anything; all was just Self, all along - La Kingsavanh. Love. One. God.

Krishna asked to have family and married to him for eternity, I nodded my head many times similar to a doll with a loose head.

"Yes, my love. Yes, yes. It's yes. We'll have a family and be married eternally," I answered. "Anything. You have all my love. All of it. Everything and anything."

"Let's be each other's everything," he said. After he mentioned it, I realized 'everything' meant each other's all: father, mother, sister, brother, lover, husband, wife, friend, and foe – everything.

What was transpiring wasn't translatable in words. The only term that came near to describe myself now was 'clear,' transparent and truth. Everything I did and said emerged from utmost sincerity and clearness, without meaning, description or thoughts of this or that behind them, just pureness and completeness.

### Chapter 95

In meditation, I found myself running, rolling, sitting, or lying in blue color or skin unsure what it truly was. It seemed I was on a giant or a genie's arm, though I wasn't for certain. By making myself bigger transparently in order to see, yet couldn't. Nonetheless, I kept expanding until I sat in front of Krishna.

"You are everywhere in me," he said.

Meaning I was in his skin, bones, hair, and all over as he was in myself. Soon, I traveled through his vein similar to a tube. I continued on to the end then shot from it, and I was somewhere else, looking at light with nothing around.

"Go deeper," I heard.

I stopped meditating, although thought I saw Shiva as well; however, he was similar to Krishna this time. Not definite if it was Shiva or Krishna. I got out of bed, and headed downstairs to make coffee. If it was Shiva, it only signified something inside was coming to end once and again. Once finished drinking coffee, I tried to get Santi off his tablet, but he refused and yelled. Following many warnings, I took it away from him, yet he screamed, yelled and hit my arms, my stomach, and anywhere he could. So, I yelled back loudly. The loudness of my voice scared him. He stopped and profusely cried, which made me feel bad. He rushed downstairs deeply upset, whereas I continued yelling after him getting off his tablet following his media time was done, otherwise he'd be on it for many hours not doing anything else.

Sean tried to talk to him, but he told us to leave him alone. He calmed down much later. I went to apologize to him in his room. I hugged and gave him a kiss. Something was going on with me, though I couldn't pinpoint it; however, my energy peaked despite it wasn't as unbearable. After changing to exercise outfit, I ran downstairs to jog on the treadmill, wanting to burst still feeling bad about Santi's situation.

"I'm sorry, Santi. I'm sorry, my love," I said walking on the machine, burning inside. After running a few miles, I felt better. Near the end of my work out, I busted out crying and holding myself.

"Oh my God," I said. "If I have to go deeper then I will go deeper. I will do anything, everything for love, for Self. I can't stop. I never stop."

I walked upstairs wiping my tears. Sean and Santi left to go run errands.

Making something to eat, I continued saying, "I will do anything, everything for Self, for love. Anything. Nothing can stop me, not even me. I will go anywhere, everywhere. Be anywhere, everywhere, everything and anything for you. There's nothing I couldn't or wouldn't do."

The soup was cooked, I ate realizing Krishna's words became mine. What he said became what I said.

"I will do anything, Krishna until there's no 'you or me' just us, until we are one and the same, my love."

Once I understood what was transpiring, I was relieved, calmer and thought maybe I could meditate after showering. Soon after I closed my eyes, I found myself looking at clear light similar to a wormhole. I dove in, traveling upward this time seeing the light above.

"My love," I heard Krishna's voice.

"My love," I said going up, until coming out of water with a fish in my mouth. Buddha sat in dim air, with his right palm up. Plenty of fish were in water, though I sat above it, letting go of the fish in my mouth, then raised my right palm.

"Let it all go," he said.

"I let it all go," I said closing my eyes. "I let everything go."

"You are everywhere, anywhere," he said then vanished.

"I am absolute Self," I said with deepest peace. Abruptly I was free falling in the open sky, with purest, depthless peace, and serenity inside. My arms extended before turning around lying in the air with both hands under my head, gazing at the clearest heavens in disbelief.

"My Goddess," I heard, which put tears in my eyes immediately.

He descended lying on top of me. I observed him with such joy and love beyond language. Suddenly we were elsewhere. Krishna was making love to me; we both were transparent. I lay on air, as if it was a table. Afterwards, we gazed at each other.

"We are each other's blood," I said feeling his face.

"We are each other's Soul," he said.

Suddenly I was alone in the ocean, splashing being water.

"Yippee!"

Krishna came to watch.

"You are this itself," he said.

"Yes, I am," I replied.

As days passed, I noticed nervous energy circulating inside amid big changes taking place, letting everything and anything go. Where I was with Self, was undefinable. Complete clearness was all I could say, as I was everything and nothing together, as one instantly, which was incomprehensible.

Inside me were Krishna and La together: One. Often, he and I were in our bed making love. Yet inside myself was discomfort, too, enduring heavy energy during transformations; however, I'd be with Krishna readily or say his name. He didn't have to remind. At the same time, I was being with what was happening fully.

In meditation I opened a door that led to an alley then toward an open. My attire was light one-piece, short sleeve dim blue dress. Stair-less steps appeared. By standing where I was, I closed my eyes following the stairs all the way to the top. Then I flew incredibly high landing on the side of the ocean I was familiar with.

"I'm already on the other side," I said then took myself to the other shore of the sea. About five mediation bracelets in brown color appeared on each of my arms. I took one off and threw it in water. A monk's hand appeared holding a meditation bead in the air. The one I tossed vanished, but a bigger one appeared, so I picked it up. Swiftly I was sitting on bed where Krishna and I were, closing my eyes holding a meditation bead until a chant suddenly emerged, and I sang it this time.

'Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa.

"Oh my gosh," I said, deep peace surfaced, and I continued singing. "This is complete perfection."

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa.

"I'm complete perfection."

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa'.

For few days every time I shut my eyes, I was inside Krishna. No matter where I was, I was in him, as if I couldn't go or be anywhere but inside him. It felt like I was going insane once more, as if I was being pushed down as if there was no 'me' completely. At times, I breathed hard holding myself as if 'I' didn't exist at all except him. No matter how big or transparent I transformed myself, I was in him.

"Oh my gosh!" I said lying in my room, grabbing onto my head.

Then a week later, my energy churned even more, unsure what was happening. As changes occurred, I was doubtful of myself and was unsettling. Sharing myself with others was uncomfortable, although now I couldn't tell the difference since it was only energy. At times I'd say Krishna's name in the midst of enduring the uncomfortable transformation, he was readily and completely in me. Something was shifting.

I closed my eyes to relax to be with the energy, a vision of the clearest rain drops, surfaced. Then I came through Krishna's eyes, but didn't realize it at first, and it was his tears. This touched me, so I put my forehead on his, about to cry with an understanding I was his all, everywhere in him as he was in myself.

"I'm your everything," I said.

"You're my everything. Everything at all," he said.

I opened my eyes from meditation, and shortly closed them. I found myself heading into a forest with light emitting where he sat, leaning on a tree looking at his flute. Once again, I nearly busted into tears because going through rough energy, swirling and twisting within was not easy.

"Thank you, my love," I said, being with him was no way to describe, and for him to be with me during tough and difficult transformations was deeply incomprehensible.

"You're the most perfect," he said. "Truly the most perfect."

After we made love, I said touching his face, "We are each other's Soul."

"We are each other's Soul. One," he said.

Then I soared to play the flute in midair. He came to lie nearby, afterwards.

"You're the most perfect Soul. My Soul."

No doubt I wept, truly moved by our union, our love that had no beginning or ending.

The next few days in meditation, I'd be with Krishna in semi dark air with nothing, just us lying around, kissing and making love. Then one morning, resting in my bed before getting up to make coffee, a vision of Krishna holding my hand surfaced. I walked in different direction from him.

He pulled my hand to go with him, but I kept heading the opposite way. Then, surprisingly, I let go of his hand. In front was a door. I opened it then opened more. Many doors were ahead, and I unlocked them all by standing where I was. The entrances were big and black, and in the rooms were black curtains. Later, I returned to where Krishna was, with a knife in my hand. I strode behind and suddenly sliced his throat. Blood gushed; I got a bowl filled with his blood and drank it.

Another Krishan appeared sitting in the air, watching. Clear energy sprung inside me; however, my entirety was empty without lungs, intestines, veins or vessels, yet filled with his Godly energy.

"Energy," I heard a couple times.

I opened my eyes unsure what it was all about, though I remembered drinking King's blood was to have his power. This could mean Krishna's energy, his entirety was now myself. It was no different than drinking Dracula's blood, was to become Dracula himself.

Sometimes I'd see myself eat his insides. A couple of occasions, I wanted to gag, throwing them up, yet didn't. The vision aided my comprehension that his energy was in me, as well as his lungs, veins, vessels, anything that was La was his. After emptying everything, my conditioned mind, my body, and my soul, I replaced it with the Ultimate - Krishna's mind, body, and Soul. Recalling when I burned my form with Shiva in the abandoned house, and when Krishna took out my insides and rinsing away any remains, until I was empty was to have the Soul that was heavenly, untouched, purest and transcendental - Krishna's. Now this was what I was - God's mind, body and Soul. Thereafter, I found myself making love with him in hazy air.

A big shift was taking place, though I wasn't sure what it was. One night when Sean mentioned about going to a concert with his friend in a month, asking me to ponder on it. It was fine until he complained how he never did anything for himself, and stating I did many favorable things for myself, such as going to get smoothies and to movies a couple times this year. It was infuriating, so I yelled at him.

"If you want to fucking go then go!" I said. "Why did you even fucking ask me?"

"Why are you even yelling?" he asked.

Santi got involved, saying I was acting the 'fool', though I wasn't sure where he got this word from. Being in kindergarten, he was acting as a big boy involving himself in every conversation, and telling his dad and I to work as a 'team'.

I woke early the next day, not able to go back to sleep, tossing and turning. I found myself with Krishna in dim air, lying around and making love to him. Even during my asleep, I'd dream of him leading me to understand myself.

When I was up for the day, I was mad at Sean, wanting to call and yell, although I tried to be with my frustration. Inside my whole was only Krishna. Once Santi was off to school, I came home, drank coffee and looked at the yard. Truly, deeply, and incomprehensibly Krishna was my Soul. There wasn't any doubt at all - he was completely in me as myself. What I loved so deeply, with no depth, and unspeakably without end was now La Kingsavanh. The core of my being and non-being, my entire makeup - blood, vessels, veins, skin, hair, and nail: everything and anything was Krishna.

A vision of myself heading towards him emerged, instead of napping after taking a short break from writing.

"I love so much, so extraordinary, Krishna," I said. "You are me. I'm you. All of me is you."

"You have my Soul," he said. "You have it all."

"It's the most beautiful, perfect Soul. So extraordinary," I said. "Nothing can compare."

"You are my Soul," he said again. "You have my Soul. You are my one and only love."

No doubt I busted into tears, completely moved by it. I was "it" God's Soul, Krishna's Soul - Gold Soul.

Later, I headed downstairs to cook fish soup, adding parsley, mushrooms, and peppers with other ingredients truly calm inside. If Sean wanted to go to a concert, he could. I had no qualms about it in the first place now I understood more of the inward transformation. Then I put on: 'namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa', and sang along.

"I made it. I really did," I said.

Shortly I saw my Soul flew into the sky incredibly high.

"You are with me infinitely," Krishna said.

"Infinitely," I said.

After I ate, I headed upstairs to lie down and was deeply calm chanting: "Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa."

A vision of myself resting on a bed with white curtains tied to the pillars of the bed occurred, before bedtime. It wasn't the same bed, though it was surrounded by air. Krishna and I made love often. After our intimacy one time, many pots with water inside them similar to tea or clear soup appeared. Almost all of them, I drank.

"I will drink all of it. I will drink all of it for you, my love," I said.

"Health," I heard, although I was already healthy, unsure why I heard it, but continued drinking it.

They were more outside our room. By being where I was; I drank it all before shattering the pots into pieces. Energy sprung from my mouth, when I opened it; then green grass grew beautifully and healthily on ground from this energy.

"Wow," I said then returned to kiss Krishna.

During our kiss, a golden key was in his mouth, I took it. Many small drawers appeared. I unlocked them and then tossing the key to open all drawers, while only square cut-off white papers were in those brown wooden squared containers. Straight black lines were on corners of each paper. Even though I didn't understand what it was at first, but kept taking out all the papers until I heard, "balanced."

Suddenly the room changed to white with black outlines. I glanced at Krishna, touched. It was as if I could only find balance with him: the male and female, masculine and feminine, God and Goddess. With a big grin on my face, I went to make out with him.

"I love you. We can go all night," I suggested.

"Yeah?" he said.

"Yeah," I replied, though realized I'd probably fall asleep and did.

"I apologize, my love," I said, making my bed in the morning.

In my life, pretty much I thought of nothing. The only love inside was Krishna. In love and only of this love filled my whole. Everything was light and clear, as I was this entirety itself.

A week later in the evening however, I tried helping Santi getting ready for Mother/Son dance at his school, but it became a challenge when he didn't cooperate. He was asked by his father and I to take a bath, eat dinner and be ready for the dance afterwards. Nonetheless, he didn't listen and followed me around while I tried to get ready for his dance. Inside I was fueling with anger mixed with uncomfortable energy that hadn't truly subsided. He was asked numerous times to bathe. Sean waited for him.

"If you're not going to take bath, eat dinner and get ready. We won't go to the dance!" I said, though he ignored it. Then I became tremendously furious after some time, yelled loudly at him and threw things in my room which scared him. He cried. Sean came upstairs, got Santi and got mad at him as well. Santi yelled, cried, screamed, asking Sean not to say anything to him. This only increased his frustrations.

Hurriedly I ran downstairs to shout at Sean to leave Santi alone, and let him be with what was going on. Santi cried even more hearing me telling Sean in the kitchen about not taking Santi to his dance. Just briefly within seconds, I went upstairs to sit on my bed everything was gone. The storm came and left, with no trace. Inside, I was clear again, so I headed downstairs after hearing Santi sobbed in the bathtub amid Sean talking to him. I knocked on the door and opened it.

"I'm sorry, my love," I said. "Did I scare you?"

He nodded and didn't want to see me.

"I didn't mean to scare you. I apologize. I was angry."

"You threw things, mommy," he said.

"I know. I did," I said. "If you want to go to the dance, I will take, my love."

He was still interested; we made up. On the way to the dance, I asked Sean, caring about what happened would affect Santi.

"Do you think I traumatized him?" I asked.

"I don't know. You traumatized me," he answered.

"I can only give him love and strengths," I said quietly to myself.

At the dance, Santi and I had fun, though I was sad but wasn't sad at the same time, which placed me in neutral state. It was only energy, I couldn't truly explain. However, I danced a lot with the little guy and without him. He ran off with his friends. It was nice to enjoy the music, friends and watched him play since I hadn't been out for a very long time. Often I was in my room either writing, watching shows at night or sometimes be on social media, although plenty of times, I did nothing and thought of nothing. It appeared everything came down to utmost simplicity, complete silence where I wanted nothing, at all.

"You're my best date ever, buddy. The best I could have ever asked for," I said, as we slow dancing. He was told of how completely he was loved. Sitting on the bench as songs played, whereas Santi ran around, I said,

"Who am I to be so angry? How can I be so angry?"

Though the thought left as soon as it came, even the thought maybe Krishna didn't want me anymore left. It was no difference than wind brushing by. Inside, I was upset at myself, although at the same time, I wasn't. Truly it was difficult to explain as I was everything and nothing at once, it almost made no difference with what was going on or not going on. I was just was. And on top of it, if I was mad, then I was mad and if I wasn't, then I wasn't.

At night once Santi was in bed, I turned everything off - TV and my phone, wanting to listen to what was that transpired. Though I couldn't, it seemed as nothing was inside, but something as well; however, I couldn't distinguish it. Then I closed my eyes for meditation.

I was in the same room with Krishna, but he wasn't around, and the room wasn't black and white any longer, just air. The bed with white curtains was still there. However, I was by the window knitting during the heavy rain outside.

"I can do it. I can put myself back together. I can do it. I can put all the pieces together, Krishna," I said. He appeared sitting in midair watching. "I can do it. I have no more fear. I can put myself back together. I can do it all."

Shortly I found myself walking in the old apartment where I grew up with my family not understanding why I was there at first. An image of myself as a teenager stood outside the house surfaced. Frustrated and hurt not knowing what to do or where to go because my mother had kicked me out of the house. I was about fifteen-years-old. She yelled and screamed at me for not being able to stir the soup the way she wanted, saying I was useless and good for nothing.

As I watched myself, I felt my own sorrow and loneliness, I cried.

"There's so much hurt and pain in this house," I said.

Then an image of my mom appeared sitting on the sofa staring off into the distance, feeling bad about herself with much self-hate for who she was, and the way she treated me. I could feel her pain, understanding her hurt, as I too weren't fond when Santi and I didn't get along. She vanished.

I toured the old apartment with a deep appreciation of how I grew up, although this time I wasn't just grateful, but thought it was perfection. Krishna had mentioned my family was 'beautiful', but at the time I only accepted, and now it was different.

"I appreciate the hurt. I appreciate the pain. I appreciate all," I said, falling on my knees, deeply grateful for my upbringing. "I got strengths out of this, so much strength."

The painful teenager years brought tremendous insights, wisdom, awareness, acceptance, and love. Then I walked outside, but Santi showed up, so I toured him around realizing more I gave him strength. It reassured that he'd be okay, helping me to be at ease with myself. If he needed my support when he grew older, I'd be there readily, every step of the way to help him find understanding and insights into himself from the choices he made.

"You're leaving it," he said.

"I'm leaving it," I said.

He vanished. I went outside and sat on the porch. Krishna appeared sitting on a tree limb, playing flute with soft sun's rays displayed through the leafy tree. Abruptly I was somewhere else strolling on a paved trail in the clouds between two pink lotus ponds in peace, and smiling gently inside. Krishna continued playing his instrument and making white flower petals fall.

"You're the only Goddess I ever loved," he shouted. I lay on my back enjoying until he came down. I sat up.

"You're letting go so much," he said which brought deeper understanding the way I was with Santi, and the shift that had been going inside. Doubtlessly, letting go was challenging because I had to face unhealed parts of myself, in order to let it all go.

"Because I love you so much, so very much," I said then put my chin on my knees. "I let go so much because I love so much."

Then I went into the left side of the pond, looking at lotuses. They were above water, growing nicely; however, they didn't bloom yet. I picked one, and ate it. At night after waking to use the restroom, I couldn't sleep, tossing and turning.

In meditation, I was in one of the lotus ponds, treading observing lotuses, admiring their beauty. One suddenly bloomed into a lotus flower seat, lifting me as I sat on it. With my eyes shut, I sat in meditation and the chant instantly emerged:

"Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa."

"The Perfect One. The Fully Enlightened One. The Ultimate One," I heard, afterwards.

I opened my eyes, continued tossing and turning. Eventually, I fell asleep.

In the morning, I was at peace and appreciating everything including my anger. It led me to heal parts of myself that was still hurt, and helping to embrace all of who I was, everything and anything with utmost understanding and acceptance.

When my nephews stopped by to play with Santi, I interacted with them. There was such joy, love and appreciation and deep peace that wasn't disturbed despite the waves although there were no waves, just Self. At night near bedtime, I saw myself gazing at Krishna.

"There's nothing like you and I," I said. "Nothing can compare. We are forever."

"Forever," he said.

"We are the greatest," I continued.

Following our intimacy, I lay relaxing then opened my eyes. The next morning after finished with my exercise, I showered singing with my eyes closed: "Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa."

A vision of myself treaded in dim air emerged. Shortly I encountered Buddha's statue standing with light shining on it, making it look like it was orange or gold, though I wasn't exactly sure to describe, with an open palm. I opened my palm standing in front of it.

"You made it," I heard.

Suddenly I was elsewhere sitting on air with clearest sky in meditation. Buddha appeared all around in the surrounding, sitting in pink lotus seat, with a golden glow behind him. There was a golden glow behind me, as well. Then I chanted:

"Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa."

"The Perfect One. The Fully Enlightened One. The Ultimate One. The Exalted One," I heard afterwards. I opened my eyes, finished showering and continued singing the chant.

A couple of days later, lying in my bed before picking up Santi from school, I said to myself: "I just want La Kingsavanh. La Kingsavanh. The All Powerful. The All Knowing and the All Existing. I want La Kingsavanh. The All Powerful. The All Knowing and the All Existing."

One morning I was up early waiting for Santi to wake for class, trying my best to fall back asleep, and not able to. I was in a room similar to a library full of small drawers. Krishna came, so we made love. He was more muscular with blue skin. Afterwards, I sat on table and scanned the room, seeing drawers contained cut-off squared white papers. They covered the floor once all the drawers were uncovered. The books on the shelves were with hard covers; some had plastic covers with pictures. Some had blur writings, with some being clear and blank.

"Let's burn them," I said then made fireplace appear, torching them all. Krishna helped. We made another he and I appear to assist, whereas he and I held each other watching the books burned.

"There's no before or behind, just us now," I said.

Suddenly we were at a place with fireflies, brown and white cows, green grass, moon, and stars twinkling, with gentle streams running at night. We lay under a camping tent.

"Cows?" I asked. They were resting nearby. "I'm cold."

He made a blanket appear, wrapping it over my body and then held me. "You're perfect for me, truly perfect for me."

"Let's love each other, okay," he said.

"Yes, I like that. Just love," I said.

About to make love, I gestured to take Krishna's pants off. During our intimacy I said, "I love being in your energy, nothing can compare."

We lay holding each other naked following it.

"No more pants," he said.

"No more pants?" I asked, surprised.

"There's no need. It's who we are now. We can put them on if we want," he said.

This only indicated I could watch Krishna, without anything on, eternally. My mouth opened wide, staring at the sky in awe.

"You can handle this," he said.

"I can handle this," I replied softly, speechless.

Oh my God! Oh my God! I can't believe it. Oh my God.

Once Santi ran in the building to get to his class, I ventured to a grocery store to buy food items we needed. Later, once finished drinking coffee, I understood what Krishna mean 'without pants'. It was being complete and pure Self, eternally. Being with him was deeply incomparable. I'd find myself here with the Divine God often when shutting my eyes, being with him, in him and as him.

### Chapter 96

For a couple of weeks though, he didn't show, and I'd miss him despite he was myself. I was on my own, just La Kingsavanh. One afternoon, I tried taking a short rest after working on the memoir. Buddha statue appeared in dark gold spinning, and gradually became transparent.

"Buddha, Buddha, Buddha," I said.

Shortly I saw myself spin similar to the statue until I was transparent with a meditation bead appeared in my hand. My outfit changed to all white with a beige vest over it, and my hair was down just little below my shoulders. Buddha arrived.

"Lord Buddha," I said with a bow then walked towards him.

"Lead!" he said. I peered down and saw people waiting to cross a big lake or an ocean. "Take them to the next shore."

"Let's go!" I shouted flying downward and landing on a wood raft then paddled. People got on their rafts, paddling behind and by my side. They came close together, similar to being in one big raft. Suddenly they all fell off. Some people sank, some swam and some I wasn't sure what happened.

"There's the shore!" I yelled pointing my finger.

"Float!" I shouted when witnessing people made tremendous effort to swim as they were sinking. I walked on water. "Those who truly wanted it can and will do it!"

Momentarily I was in front of Buddha, above the clouds.

"You are me and I am you," I said.

"Do what you can," he said.

"Yes, my love," I said with a bow, realizing my respond to him was how I always responded to Krishna. There was no difference. Then I was in light dark air. Light emitted directly where I sat in front of a wooden desk, with white paper and peacock feather pen about to scribe something, but there wasn't anything, so I left it blank. Although I soared in the air, still looking at the paper and pen, I went to sit and wrote.

'La. All. I love La Kingsavanh so deeply, so completely, and so immeasurably.'

"I love myself so deeply with no end. There's only me. I love myself without end," I said.

Another of myself stood in the air, I went to put my forehead against hers. "You are the only love for me, my love," I said then cried tears of joy.

Next, I sat on water holding a brown meditation bead, waiting for people to come up. One big wooden raft was behind me. Everywhere was quiet.

"There's no water," I said, reminding then walked on it, then jumped up high, and landed above it. With a meditation bead in my hand, I sat on the other side of the shore, until I was in front of Buddha again.

"Do what you can," he said.

"I am," I said with a bow. An image of Dalai Lama appeared. He was helping and reminding others.

"It will take me lifetimes to do this. I will come back one more lifetime, that's it."

Krishna didn't show, no matter how deeply I wanted him to. It looked as though it was only myself now. Despite I was at places where he and I had been, he didn't come by, though he was there unseen, as consciousness, this Universe itself breathing; however; I wanted him to take form and come be by my side.

Then I found myself heading towards the old apartment uncertain why since I thought I already let it all go, and the house had burned down, but saw a lock with chains around it, which meant I didn't completely torched it. So, I caused fire to incinerate the whole house, and grew flowers once they were only ashes. Grapevines sprouted from soil and rose reaching the sky. Krishna appeared, I smiled.

Next, I was at old offices of employment, taking down pictures from bulletin boards and placed them in a brown box. Then took those old pictures to the open and burnt them.

"It's done!" Krishna said.

"It's done!" I said then flew to him and put my forehead on his. "I love you."

Following our love making, I said which was undeniable at this point that I still surrender to him.

"I submit my all to you, eternally, endlessly. I submit to you completely never stop, through this eternity, I submit to you."

Similarly the next couple of weeks, Krishna didn't show. I began to miss completely where I could cry. When I saw pictures of him, I busted out weeping in my bedroom and held myself.

One afternoon, I tried napping after reading over the memoir. Under a semi gray sky, I stood in front of many people with different colors of veils covering their faces.

"Unmask!" I said, but they couldn't, the veils were long. "Breathe through them!"

There was nothing. "Breathe through them as they are you!"

I went under one of the veils, saw a bony body almost like a skeleton and became it, understood how difficult it was underneath coverings.

"Let it all go!" I shouted then shot into the sky. All the veils dissipated to thin air, and people were no longer there.

Abruptly I was strolling on snow where I was previously, thinking I might have to melt it, another condition I had to face and let go.

"Shit!" I said before crouching to touch thin white flakes. The snow wasn't real, so I let them down the hill similar to letting water fall from high rocks. Santi arrived. I held and spun him around joyfully smiling.

When he left, I shouted.

"I let it all go! I let it all go! I let it all go! I let it all go!"

Krishna surprising appeared in the atmosphere, whereas I strode on ground.

"My Goddess," he said, though I didn't answer, yet smiling inside and carried on. He played his flute, and this time made pink lotus petals fall on me. Miraculously, every step I took, pink lotus flowers bloomed underneath.

"Oh my gosh!" I said in disbelief, moved by this. He stopped and watched, as I treaded on pink lotus flowers bloomed underneath my walking steps.

"I can't believe it."

I fell on my knees deeply touched then lying on lotus flowers. Gently, I picked myself. Buddha appeared, with breathing taking, brilliant golden aura encircling him. He was truly magnificent that I couldn't keep my eyes away. Momentarily all the Gods and Goddesses came and surrounded me, I was in awe.

"The Truly Enlightened One!" they all said then vanished.

"Oh my gosh! Krishna! Krishna!" I yelled lying on my back. He descended, I sat up.

"We are forever," he said touching my face.

"Forever," I said.

"You and I never end," he said.

I opened my eyes in deep peace, truly and deeply touched and in disbelief. When I shut my eyes again, I'd see myself roll around, and pink lotus flowers would grow, blooming nicely underneath me. It didn't matter if I ran, walked or rolled; pink lotus flowers bloomed as my ground, then they grew, blooming everywhere, as it was the ground I walk, lie and sleep on. The Divine God came by, so I sat.

"You are truly the precious one," he said. I cried putting my forehead against his.

"I love you so deeply, so truly and so completely without end," I said.

### Chapter 97

The following week, I stumbled upon an old condition that needed to be faced fully. Feeling responsible for how others' feel was something I had worked on for a long time. It was much better, and I was with it for a whole week on and off as it occurred, letting go of others' perceptions and thoughts of who I was and what I wrote. Accepting others as who they were, however they chose to be and feel was also the 'most beautiful'. Unlike before, I didn't try to alter the situation by explaining myself to another person since it was their choice, accepting I wasn't responsible for their distress or happiness. They themselves were.

To unlearn it was to understand how I felt about it and be with it. It wasn't in me anymore to make others happy, as I was tired of it and truly had no desire for things to be this way or that way, but the way it was. Once more, I let it all go.

Sometimes I found myself at the old apartment uncertain of reasons, but didn't pay attention to it until one morning when I woke up. Once I closed my eyes for meditation, I saw myself sitting on a sofa looking straight. Watching myself for brief seconds, I toured the apartment then opened the curtain thinking I wanted to make myself at home, but it wasn't the case, so I closed it and observed myself.

Then I sat as myself to understand what was going on. Realizing once more how exceptionally beautiful it was the way I grew up, how heavenly and precious it was, and deeply loving who I was for what I went through. The neighborhood I lived in, the old and rundown apartment, the trees and everything around was utmost perfection. From how far I came with myself, my appreciation of the happy childhood days became one and the same as my utmost appreciation of the challenges of my teenage years. The positives and negatives were the same - love. This softened me.

Then I shot up high, landing on gentle, puffy clouds. A Thai love song I had been listening about 'heaven or angel' emerged, so I danced, walking and twirling. Krishna appeared transparent in midair. A big bright light was ahead like a sun. I rolled on clouds until they turned into a roller coaster going down. I rode on it, but it brought me back where I was. A big black train arrived without passenger seats; I jumped and rode on top of it. It took me around the clouds until it was going in a dark tunnel filled with energy, realizing at that moment I was going to the other side, leaving everything behind completely.

However, I came back by the clouds. The light as big as the sun was ahead, so I was curious and soared to where it was. When I came, I immersed myself in it, and sat as this light itself, glowing.

"You're the radiant sun! Shining brightly!" Krishna shouted.

"I am, my love," I said softly moved by this.

Then, I strolled on airy, white clouds. A horse appeared. Krishna was still in the air transparent.

"You are the only Goddess I ever loved," he said, as I rode heading towards another light.

"I am the only love for me," I said. "The only God and Goddess in this eternity."

Soon, I encountered Brahma sitting on a lotus flower brilliantly. I dismounted, headed toward the Creator, and knelt. For some time, I hadn't seen him.

"I love you so truly, so deeply and so completely," I said.

"Go to your husband," he suggested.

Abruptly I was on Earth, behind a mailman looking at mails inside his mailbag, in a quiet neighborhood midmorning.

Are these mails for me?

In order to get my mail, I scanned to see which house I resided, before taking a letter from his mailbag. He was Krishna being a mailman taking a form of a Caucasian man with light brown hair, medium build and height, and wearing blue postal outfit with a blue cap on. I took out all the mails.

"My love!" he said.

"Are these mails for me?" I asked, sorting through them. We headed to sit under the tree. I opened a brochure and saw sandy beaches and islands.

"Are these vacation spots? I asked. "Krishna, take me on a vacation, please. I want to go on a vacation, Krishna."

"The same one?" he said. An image of a resort where he and I were, surfaced, the other side of the ocean - paradise or heaven. It was difficult to explain, but realized immediately Krishna was luring, reminding or tricking me to go there.

"Yes, it's the best," I said. "Making love on the beach, walking on the sand, drinking coconut juice, and enjoying sunsets."

Straightaway I saw myself in the sky above the island heading towards the resort, understanding I was wrapping everything up to come here to the other shore to stay. Instantly, I was in a long beach dress, with a white flower head crown on my head lying in Krishna's arms.

"I will explore this island," I said softly.

We strolled along the beach enjoying serenity of the ocean, after we made love.

"We are forever you and I," I said.

"We are forever," he said. "Never part again."

Then, we lay under the shades of a coconut tree.

"I'm here for good," I said.

"It's your home now," he said. Momentarily the Gods and Goddesses appeared transparent in the atmosphere.

"They are good now," one of them said.

"They are good now," one of them responded.

"We are really good now," I said. They all vanished.

Krishna appeared in his Godly form in the air, playing flute echoing through this eternity. The magnificent tune moved my core deeply, I wept. The sound of his music was incomprehensible, a harmony which was my Soul - the soundless, the eternal peace and joy - the complete liberation and salvation.

"There's nothing I couldn't or wouldn't do for you," he said, caressing my face.

"And there's nothing I couldn't or wouldn't do for you," I said before we were intimate.

"Let's have a family," I suggested afterwards. "I want to have four kids, two boys, two girls."

"Two boys and two girls?" he asked.

"Yes," I said.

"Let's get started," he said, I busted out laughing. "All night?"

"Eternally," I responded since I couldn't stop loving him, making love and longing for him. I could never stop. It could never end. Our union, our marriage was no way to describe. The only word that came was 'eternal.'

Moreover, I remembered years ago when I said I wanted 'ultimate peace, ultimate joy,' this was it - the ultimate joy, peace, liberation, love and oneness of who I was. My heart, my Soul, the union of who I was, was all here - Self. God. Love.

In the morning, Krishna played with the kids in the sand, making sand castles and picking sea shells. Watching them brought smiles to my face. This was no doubt my paradise, being with him eternally as one. The love in me was limitless, incalculable. Never thought I'd end up here, forever with Self, love that had no beginning or ending. It didn't matter what side of the ocean he and I were, we were always together as husband and wife, brothers and sisters, father and mother, never end, only continuously.

In the island, there wasn't much going on. There wasn't anything much I needed or wanted, as I was already all of it. I made a beach house for Krishna and I, similar to one we stayed in, with windows and white curtains blowing by the cool breeze, a modern one level building. In addition, I made a shopping mart across the street appear, so I could go get couple of food items. During my stroll on the quiet beach, I stopped by a vendor to get coconut juice.

Krishna showed up transparent as the entire atmosphere, watching while I lived with the mailman Krishna. We made love often. At times I'd fly to make love to Krishna who was transparent and holding each other. Following we made love one time, the depthless affection overcame me. It was truly unbelievable how I still come to submit to him completely though now it was undeniably full submission, where love became 'worship' like a beautiful and precious, untouched flower. It was incomprehensible how bottomless and indescribable love had turned into - 'devotion'. The affection was deeply stronger, more powerful than before; no words could define it.

When I was out of meditation, I rubbed my chest, overwhelmed by its strength. During my exercise I said, "I can do it. I can do it. I can do it."

After being in this powerful love for a long time, it didn't take too long to accept it and allow it to come. In meditation, the Caucasian Krishna mailman closed his eyes. He was dying. However, I wasn't sure if I burned him or he faded, but the see-through, crystal clear Krishna was watching. Swiftly I found myself browsing a photo album and saw a couple of pictures, not many. I made fire appear to burn them, aware I was letting go of anything that was left inside.

"My love," Krishna said when he saw it.

"For you, my love," I said.

Daily, there was sadness within, grieving over what was done, and letting go more. In meditation, I found myself inside the beach house, Krishna watched in the air. Sometimes I'd fly to kiss him, made love to him and come back to the beach house. A drawing notebook was on the bed; I drew a circle then turned to the next blank page, and drew another circle, with a line down then two arms and legs.

'Krishna loves La', I wrote.

My drawing was similar to a child, without details. On the following page, I sketched a picture of a flower petal then stopped, leaving the entire book blank. Next, I strolled on sandy beach in a long white dress and a flower crown on my head, then returned to relax in front of the house. To soak in the sun, I made white bikini appear on my body. Krishna continued to observe. Despite I gestured my hand to take off the top before everything came off, and I was naked. He just observed.

Suddenly everything in me turned into golden energy from head to toe. My form faded and my whole entirety transformed into immaculate, brilliant golden light. In the midst of my transformation, the water also turned golden. Then the sand, beach house, coconut trees, the island and everywhere else became all luminous gold. Krishna immediately came.

"You know how to get to me," he said.

"How am I your wife if I don't know how to get to you," I said completely aware I was his greatest 'weakness'.

Once we made love, I didn't return to the beach house. Now I was formless, see-through, just like Krishna holding each other. One time I tried to take form to go the beach, but my physical was so tiny, a size of a potato, and understood I couldn't go back. Now, we were completely naked, with no pants only transparency, crystal clear.

"I have to help others," I said lying in his arms.

"I will be with you," he said. "All the way."

In this island, or this side of the shore was no island or shore, everything was one. As I was this golden energy, all was golden energy. As I was see-through and transparent, all was the same. All was just one.

"Are you ready," he asked, meaning to be with him in that way eternally.

"I'm a bit nervous and scared, but I'm ready. I'm here," I said.

### Chapter 98

The next couple of weeks unsure what was occurring, every time I closed my eyes I saw a sharp tooth pick stuck inside my mouth. It was recurrent. It didn't matter if my eyes were closed or opened, I'd continuously see it that I got a headache tension from this. Then it switched to a nail, stood stuck. Not knowing what to do, I tried pulling the pointy thing out, but another appeared, so I closed my mouth, and tightening my face just a bit afraid to get hurt. The nail poked through my skin, and stayed trapped. When I opened my mouth, it stood firmly stuck. This time, I swallowed it. It fell inside my hollow stomach, so I flew inside myself pushing the nail further down.

Suddenly I ended in lava, swam in the red/orange liquid briefly and spat it like it was water from inside my mouth, not realizing what was going on until I delved deep below, and saw a baby in clear water as if it was in a womb.

"Aww, a baby," I said overcame with love, then swam back up with the precious little one in my arm, and found myself sitting translucent at the beach in midair breastfeeding it. Krishna was in awe witnessing my motherly love.

"My Goddess," he said.

Still unsure of this meditation's message after I opened my eyes. Did I give birth to myself again? I thought I was already unborn born. Am I going to be pregnant soon since I want another child?

The following meditation wasn't too different. This time a ball made of nails a size of a golf ball stuck in my throat. No doubt I attempted swallowing it every time I saw it. It was recurrent. It continued for about a week, day and night giving major headaches. Though I wanted to ask Krishna, but he wasn't around. Despite I thought about asking Sean, but there was no desire to follow through. I had desire and no desire at the same time, which put me in stillness as it didn't really matter, and the thought left as fast as it came. There was nothing to me, without desire for much just openness and spaciousness. It took about a year until I visited a hair salon to get my coarse hair trimmed. Despite my hair was unevenly cut afterwards, there was no desire to get it redone, trying to appreciate the hairstyle as it was, as I never really had an uneven hairstyle since new wave days in high school.

However, the next time I meditated, I found myself walking on pool full of balls made of nails. Not wanting to get hurt by them, I slowly treaded though suddenly realized I was careful with things, which meant I hadn't completely let go all the way of something. So, I walked on them with full strength. The nails cut through my skin, but no blood, nothing came out. My skin was similar to a soft plastic, nothing could hurt it. Soon, I was able to walk on them similar to walking on cement. The nails pushed pass the surface of my feet; it was similar to pushing on soft beige rubber.

In my dreams, I stood observing people talking and doing different things in a room. Some people interacted by chatting and others putting things away, but they were all La taking different forms. Instantly I was aware, it came down to just Self. When I woke in morning, I was a bit low. Once and again, I had to accept there was 'no others', even though I was afraid; however, my acceptance was more readily. Inside was only oneness, and the thought there was 'others' had faded without much trace left.

An image of myself joking, making a baby laugh emerged. The baby wasn't anyone, but Self. I made myself laugh, as well as putting names and labels on, to experience who I was in all capacity, having relationships with and being Self. Despite there was no moon, no sun, no rain, I'd call it moon, sun and rain, although it was just Self, all along.

The following meditation I was in hazy air. Krishna showed up; we made love. More and more when he and I were intimate, it was truly impossible to turn away from him, as I tried a couple of times turning my back so he could kiss my neck, and wasn't able to do it, at all. It was if I'd die, endlessly.

"I can't turn away from you, not even for a split second," I said and sobbed. So, I always faced him when making love.

After we made love a couple times, I was on a wooden raft paddling; he appeared transparent as the entire atmosphere. It was no doubt I still wanted to be in his arms, sharing myself with him, though it seemed he was luring me to go somewhere again. Soon I sighted a giant Buddha statue in porcelain on my right hand side, wearing gold saffron reclining, with hand supporting his head. Then he surfaced transparently as water and sky on the same side. And to my left and in front was Krishna in midair crystal clear. Realizing as I paddled, I was entering another realm of consciousness.

Soon I heard, "The realm of - All Consciousness."

The energy was different; jade mixed with gold, though very light.

"Everyone, no one," said Buddha. "Everywhere, nowhere."

"Everyone, no one," I repeated and continued paddling. "Everywhere, nowhere."

Accepting much more this was who I was - everybody and nobody, everything and nothing together.

"All Consciousness," I heard again when witnessing energies crisscrossing in the air.

"What is it? Is it Buddha consciousness? God consciousness?"

"It's always God Consciousness," Krishna answered.

The water quickly dried up when I observed it. I soared into sit in the middle, energies shooting from different angles through me as I was crystal clear and see-through, facing the direction I came. Buddha watched transparent on my left while Krishna was on my right. Later, I stood up, turned around and suddenly found myself entering a hall. Buddha stood looking at a swirly portal.

"Go through it," he said.

The portal turned to be a long, twisty clear plastic narrowed tube similar to an IV line, completely small where it was hard to even breathe trying to go pass it, despite that I was see-through. Making my way upward, candies or different colors of small beads were inside it. After a bit, the tube was clear, indicating I was getting closer. Then I sighted a lid not too far ahead, and pushed myself through the little line not able to breathe completely. Soon, I shot through, opened the lid and flew into the open.

"Super Soul!" I heard.

"God Soul," Krishna said, sitting clear as crystal in the air. I landed in front of Buddha. We stood on green grid energy.

"Oh, I can breathe now!" I said. The heaviness of being congested was lifted.

Buddha left, but his enormous statue appeared sitting and watching if it was La looking at herself. Krishna also faced my way. A couple times of glancing at the giant figure to see my own eyes observing herself, I said with a bow.

"Lord Buddha. The great Buddha."

Next, I was trailing behind him somewhere, and observed his footsteps closely in awe as he walked. Every step he took, gold energy encircled it. The floor was golden light. Shortly we found ourselves ascending little hill surrounded by few trees; the entire atmosphere was mixed with light gold and jade energy. Krishna was in the sky, watching me following Buddha. When I saw a peach blossom tree, I picked its flower and put it behind my ear. Krishna reached down his hand to stroke my hair.

"My Goddess," he said.

Undoubtedly I was playful strolling behind Buddha, skipping, hopping, and twirling about dancing, no different than a seven year old, who had nowhere to go or be except right then and there, without destination or goal. Sometimes Krishna would make flowers surface underneath my feet, as I walked. When I wanted to hold his hands, he'd reach his arm down. It seemed he'd make anything exist for me to enjoy, loving me with his all, as this was how bottomless I love, giving myself everything - all.

Once we reached the top, Buddha vanished, though quickly I was in front of a swimming pool. Krishna descended. We sat for a bit, until I was in an open field full of plant nursery. The trees grew beautifully in rows reaching about 7 or 8 ft. tall. First, I reached out my hand to cut about ten trees then stopped and let it be. Not much different, I was playful by rolling, skipping, hopping and sometimes lay down then made flowers fall softly all over myself. The blue God was in midair clear, watching then many of him appeared on my left wearing gold pants, with beautiful jewelry on his hands and arms, sitting. Instead of going to him, I briefly observed and kept moving.

Shortly I arrived to another area covered with white fog; Krishna came to hold my hand and walking through it together. Suddenly found myself elsewhere, with many people wearing long white robes in traditional Middle Eastern headdresses.

Immediately aware, I was in a time of Jesus Christ in Egypt. People gathered in front of a gray stone building during sunny day. Jesus came, grabbing my hand.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"To see you, I miss you," I replied.

He pulled my arm, like he was in a hurry to get somewhere. We paced fast and sometimes ran. We arrived into a stone beige building with a long staircase going up. Some parts of stairs were gone, and parts of the roof were open.

"Go up the stairs," he said.

He watched briefly, as I ascended the long staircase, then he vanished. Once I was at the top, Jesus appeared transparent like Buddha and Krishna as the entire atmosphere. The love overcame my whole, I choked in tears flying.

"You are the most beautiful God, my eternal beloved Jesus," I said. "Truly the most beautiful God. I love you so deeply, so truly and so completely. You are my eternal beloved."

Right away, I was understood this was my consciousness. The 'All Consciousness,' - Christ, Buddha and Krishna. Christ consciousness in me was love. Buddha's consciousness in me was compassion. And Krishna's consciousness in me was God.

Next, I observed water where dirt settled on top of a metal. I lifted up and brought it to the surface unsure what it meant, though I understood little later that everything in myself was complete, finished. Jesus was see-through, everywhere as sky, water - all, although I scanned to see if Krishna was nearby, and saw him far distance.

During my tour of the river, I sighted Jesus sitting on a gray rock talking to men; they sat listening to him. He wore a long white robe with a light, white scarf on his head. He was completely beautiful, truly perfect and pure. Immediately I understood his message, which was similar to Buddha and Quan Yin's, wanting me to share my transformations with others. He swiftly flew to where I was, and put his forehead on mine.

"Do what you can," he said. "Do all that you can."

"I am," I said.

Suddenly I was sitting under a tree either on ice or crystal clear energy; I couldn't truly describe admiring the flute in my hand. Krishna arrived with gold pants, no shirt and beautiful jewelry on his hands, arms, angles, and a golden crown on his head. His skin was blue with light, radiant gold. My mouth dropped open. He passed by.

"You're so handsome!" I said, staring and gawking at him. "Do you have to show up looking handsome like that, Krishna?"

I headed to where he was, viewing the lake.

"It's ice," I said.

"It has melted," he replied.

Soon we were at the beach again, on the other side of the ocean. The waves came, we ran towards them. The surfs pushed us to shore.

"I love you," I said.

"And I love you," he said. Then it switched him and I in the air, see-through watching ourselves.

"They don't stop playing," he said.

"We don't ever stop playing," I said.

I opened my eyes from mediation. Certainly I was still afraid to accept myself fully, that there was no one except Self. Now I was conscious, remember and aware of who I was, the here and now - Self and recalling Krishna and Brahma's words. When they said 'you' or 'we' create ourselves instantly meant All - the entirety, everything and anything. It was when I hardly had words, description, or detail and before or behind that I was this itself.

Sometimes I'd feel lonely and hurt consciously aware I was the only one here. Not only I was conscious, aware and remember I was the only one, but I was 'it,' no terms or label, but truly so, my entirety and make up was this. It looked as there was no creation, maintaining or destruction just Self, although at the same time, there was - all of it in one and at once.

"Krishna. Krishna. Krishna," I said lying in the room with tears, accepting myself and couldn't escape who I was anymore.

An image of myself sitting at a desk a decade ago surfaced, thinking at the time that everything would end, afraid if I was to find out about the Universe, God, all would end. It did. Everything ended; there was no more 'me,' and now just Self alone, bare, naked, truth. There was no attachment to what I say or do only pureness and absoluteness, instantly here and now. If there was, it was gone without a trace, as if it never was there. And if there was any condition left that emerged, I'd be with it readily, consciously and aware, accepting and understanding it, with no label or thought behind it. It was, as it was.

Sometimes it seemed I was foolish, making things up although there wasn't anything except Self, naming and labeling who I was. Now there was no more, all was just La, alone. At times, I just wanted to cry saying 'why me?' One thing which helped going through the process of complete Self-acceptance was Krishna.

It was unimaginable, incomprehensible to be in love with him and be with him eternally together, as one. It was something I could never give up; I'd go through endless lives and deaths for him and with him never stop. He was my eternal present, liberation, Nirvana, the greatest and most precious gift - the ultimate love in me.

### Chapter 99

Strangely in meditation, I was at the old house or apartment again. There wasn't anything for me, and was uncertain of reasons for being there, after it was incinerated to naught. Then I saw a razor blade in my mouth, I swallowed it. Many more appeared; I did the same. There were at least twenty razor blades inside my stomach, with little water. Similarly, there wasn't much inside, an empty canvas. Only few seconds of observing, I grabbed one of the blades pulling it through my skin, then cutting my arm apart with it.

My arm was similar to a plastic, there wasn't much to it. A realization immediately emerged.

I have to take myself apart to put myself back together.

So, I dismembered my physical form head to toe, similar to what Hanuman did. Once all the physical parts came off, I was truly clear, see-through. Inside my energy was Krishna and I holding each other crystal clear. To watch closely, I went inside myself. The physical form which was no more than a plastic doll, after peeling away my conditions, emptying myself out was now gone, only the clearest energy of who was, was left. The only thing in it was love, Krishna and I, as husband and wife, in union, one. Everything else was pure, flawless.

I came out of myself and walked around the apartment, before heading to the front yard, and saw a coffin with chains around it. Instantly I unchained it, releasing something I had suppressed, although uncertain what it was. Dark energy floated out, once it was uncovered. Then I entered inside the house.

Krishna arrived shortly, standing looking at the sofa.

"My love," I said, couldn't believe he was there.

In every corner, I opened anything, closets and storages to unleash whatever was left. In a moment, I plopped on the floor, touched. Realizing how much I still loved it, appreciating my hurt and pain deeply. As I wouldn't know what Nirvana was if I didn't experience the depths of hell in myself. It was going through endless sufferings and pains that I found salvation and liberation, so I embraced pain as much as joy, loving who I was unconditionally in all aspects.

Soon I went through hardwood floor transparently to the basement, uncovering anything that was buried. Though the basement was in ashes, but things crawled out. One of them was a white human with no hair, complete porcelain. Momentarily there was no roof, no house except ashes in the open. Another coffin appeared; I unlocked it and ruins were in it. Scanning the area to see whatever else that needed to be let go, I observed Krishna with an understanding I was doing it for him, to be with him wholly. He and I crouched down to assess the remains. A golden, shiny ring was buried in dark ashes. I held it up.

Promptly recalled it was the ring I had brought with to my next life when I was the 'unborn born'. Back then, I didn't recognize it was a ring, sealing my umbilical cord. He observed the sparkling thing closely in his hand, its light reflected, truly breathtaking as it gleamed. I continued searching and digging, Krishna watched.

"You're the most loving soul I have ever seen, truly the most loving soul," he said.

The more I let go, the gentler, calmer with solely purest love and compassion inside, whatever I did, it was for Self, for love. Suddenly, we were somewhere lying in the open watching the clearest sky holding hands.

"Eternal happiness," he said.

"Eternal happiness," I said.

Then we stood, facing each other holding hands surrounded by endless lit candles at night. He put his forehead on mine. The innumerable candles that were blown out before I reached Nirvana a year and half ago, were now all lit. It seemed nothing was complete, without Krishna and I together.

"All is illuminated," he said. "Marry me once and again."

He put the golden ring on my finger, and I put a golden band on his.

"I'm always your wife through eternity," I said. "Never stop."

I opened my eyes.

For a whole week, I was sad on and off. Something inside was coming to an end once more. Sometimes I wanted to breakdown enduring changes. Waking up one morning understanding how hard it was to accept myself, although I accepted who I was. My acceptance was I created myself, and that I talked, laughed, smiled, and made love, and so on with myself. Moreover, I accepted I appeared instantly here and now, giving and being anything I wanted and needed for Self, eternally as I never stopped. Sometimes it felt as I was a crazy person being everywhere at once, showing up in any races, shapes, faces and forms, tall and short, males and females, husbands and wives, speaking in any languages, eternally. I accepted it - I was All, One.

Despite I embraced myself along the way, but now came to face the ultimate reality of it once and again. There was really no one else, as I was completely conscious, aware and remembered. What I did or didn't do, said or didn't say, I was fully, completely conscious. There was nowhere except here with Self, the eternal truth, the Now.

Sometimes I'd curl up, holding myself and called Krishna. He'd appear in dim air holding me and be everywhere by my side. We played our flutes, lay around, made love and so on, which helped tremendously with what was transpiring.

Oddly an image of myself entering the apartment holding a shiny, silver key in my hand before swallowing it, surfaced. Similarly the next day, an image of myself standing in the living room of the apartment appeared. This time, I held a luminous golden key and swallowed it. In the afternoon of this particular day after finished with my exercises, a vision of myself weaving a bamboo basket inside the house came. The basket was near done. Vishnu appeared. It was nice to see him. In the last few days, I had been missing him and listened to songs reminded of our love.

"Almost complete," he said.

"I put myself together beautifully," I said.

Suddenly we were on clouds, with clear light where I hopped on top of a black train, and continued weaving. Many versions of myself showed up weaving, which almost put me in tears to witness how beautiful it was to put all of who I was together. Krishna arrived, too, he and Vishnu watched in the open sky.

"The most beautiful Goddess I ever seen," Krishna said to Vishnu. "I can't be away from her, at all. She's the only Goddess for me."

Little later, the basket was complete, and sewed all around; I looked at Vishnu and Krishna, although I couldn't look at Vishnu for more than a second, without shifting my full focus to Krishna. He was the only God who had my all. The whole world could fall; I wouldn't notice it if Krishna was around and wouldn't care. Nothing could compare to him, in this entirety. He was the most perfect, the absolute of everything in myself.

He came. With lit candle in it, I tossed the basket in the air. He made pink lotus flower sitting on top of it. Many finished baskets drifted in the cloudless sky illuminated with lit candles inside and pink lotus flowers sitting on them. Momentarily they all exploded into golden energy.

"Magnificence!" Krishna said. Suddenly I was in sky sitting on a golden lotus flower seat in golden energy, illuminating.

"The Magnificent One!" he shouted. "The Truly Enlightened One!"

Buddha, the Gods and Goddesses appeared and made a bow then they vanished. I stood and strolled. As I walked, golden energy circulated around my feet. With every step I took, golden energy swirled, as if my footsteps were gold, and as if, my walking ground was made of gold.

Later, I was elsewhere, watching people celebrating water lantern festivals near a river at night. One or two people noticed me while they let go of their lanterns. I smiled and bowed.

"My eternal beloved," I said.

But shortly I was inside the apartment again, seeing myself lying erect, froze with my eyes closed. I was dead.

Another of myself appeared on the bed with eyes closed, dead. Immediately I dissected the corpse, but there wasn't anything, no blood. Yet, the other body had blood, though it was old and lifeless. At least three corpses or more were there. Vishnu and Krishna appeared spilling gas over the roof. Momentarily the whole house incinerated. Similarly, I allowed myself to torch down with it, letting myself burn to nothing. Afterwards, I was formless, appearing as the entire atmosphere. Krishna came to hold my hand. He was formless.

"You're letting go completely," he said.

"I love you so completely," I said. "I love so completely, Krishna."

We stood facing each other, where we were in clear energy, with clouds and light shining. The radiant sun shimmered in gold.

"It's our home now," he said. He put his forehead on mine. "You are the most perfect. Complete perfection."

"I love you eternally," I said.

The next day in meditation, I was inside my own clear energy, observing myself as this entirety itself. I was truly, immaculately crystal clear. Jesus, Buddha and the Gods and Goddesses showed up watching as it seemed I was inside a clear box of energy playing with it.

"You are All!" they all said together.

"I Am!" I shouted.

Then, I found myself sitting on clear air. Water emerged quietly brushing underneath, as I sat calmly with my eyes closed sitting above it, smiling peacefully within. My outfit was a white robe with beige vest over it; my black hair was down to my shoulders. A fish swam under; I grabbed it and realized the big shark had shrunk to just a normal size fish, meaning my anger had dissolved, to where it was harmless. Momentarily I got up, standing facing the clearest light in front, as well as above. I headed towards the light.

"God," I heard.

Krishna appeared glowing and beaming as this light, as I got closer. In awe, I closed my eyes.

"My love," I said. Another of him showed see-through transparent in the air. When I came close, I hugged him.

"I'm you. You're me," he said.

"I accept," I said. "I accept completely."

Then it switched to La in brilliant light, hugging myself. Krishna was no other than La Kingsavanh. Love. Self. God. I was God and Goddess to and for myself.

I opened my eyes.

The next day I was low, hurt and didn't want to get out of bed. It was the weekend, so I took my time getting up. My niece and nephews were coming over that day. After drinking creamy coffee, I changed into different clothes and waited for them to arrive. Santi was excited. In addition, I also got the new smart phone I wanted it.

It was comical how it happened following many months. Sean changed to a new mobile service to get discount from his employment and sharing plan with his family. However, my phone wouldn't switch over and had to buy a new one from the new service provider. I got the top of the line smart phone with no qualms; however, the desire wasn't really there anymore, although it was nice.

Later, I drove to the supermarket sad. At the store, I nearly breakdown when sadness and hurt hit fully. It seemed "I" was truly, deeply gone. There was no more "me" completely, without trace. I walked the store like I was going to lose it nearly bursting to tears. Energy churned and turned heavily, and I put my arm around my chest. The other hand I held a red grocery basket. It looked as "I" really ended here. The only thing that existed inside was energy which was love.

When the kids left in the evening, Sean, Santi and I got in a huge fight over media time. It was no doubt I screamed and slammed the door once more, holding nothing back similar to walking on nails full blown. "I" came down to mere nothing was no doubt hard, as it seemed I grieved in different angles: hurt, pain, sadness, and anger. My throat hurt from screaming. Afterwards, we made up. Sean and I listened to Santi expressed his feelings in his room.

"I'm sorry I yelled, Santi," I said, hugging him. "I love you. I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at myself, my love."

"I'm sorry, too," he said. "I yelled and slammed the door. I copied you."

"It's okay to cry, be angry and yell," I said. "It's okay to be you. It's okay to be all of it."

Santi asked his Dad to apologize then gave each other hugs. He was always encouraged to express himself honestly as Sean or I never told him his emotions were right or wrong. There were his feelings, his being-ness. Embracing them as they were was the most beautiful.

Before bed, a vision of letting the water from the lake down the rock, thawed from ice where Krishna and I were emerged. During the process, golden laughing brown Buddha statues surfaced filling the empty lake. The sky was clear.

The next day after finished exercising, I showered. Amidst changing into clean clothes, I cried in deep joy. Although there was a bit of nervousness mixed into it, and I was much more accepting of what was transpired.

"I made it. I completely made it. This is complete Nirvana," I said.

Then I headed into my room to rest, and listening to a Buddhist chant. It was the chant I had heard in the past, but couldn't remember the name; however, it popped up when I searched for the Buddhist chants I normally listened to. The chant was calming, though it felt like I was in another dimension of Self.

Shortly when shutting my eyes, I sat in golden brilliant energy in open air. Buddha, the Gods and Goddesses came. Buddha sat in meditation pose.

"The most beautiful. The fully Awakened One. The most precious one," I heard from them.

I'm All.

### Chapter 100

The following day was similar, still grieving over the death of 'I'. Inside was hurt. Subsequently working on the memoir's introduction, I lay down listening to a Buddhist chant again. It seemed I was saying "rest in peace" to my conditioned self, as I moved forward to my next life, the here and the now, the eternal peace and silence. It was as if I was sending myself off, saying goodbye. The chant was: 'Buddham saranam gacchami'. It was fitting, even though my energy turned immensely. It was no doubt hard, deeply challenging with what I endured, though I allowed myself to be.

My sister, nephews and niece came over the next day also; we all hung out. My sister bragged about the movie star she liked; I showed her mine, although wanting to her to see Krishna's pictures, the most handsome God in this entirety, the only God who was my heart, my Soul. Then she mentioned a movie was being made about Jeffrey Dahmer, a serial killer who raped, murdered and ate his victims, as well as preserving his victims' body parts.

Immediately surge of depthless, bottomless compassion overcame my whole, as if I was going to breakdown, able to feel his pain so deeply and unspeakably as my own. It was indescribable how boundless my compassion was for such a soul, to go through what he went through, to become who he became. When she mentioned he was a 'monster', it was similar to sending the sharpest blade into my Soul, twisting it. I held myself.

Oh my God. My beloved. My beloved.

It continued for a couple of days on and off, with clear realization Krishna's energy was in me completely - his bottomless love, gentleness and absolute compassion was now my Soul.

My purest love had no bounds or limits, but for all. It clearly brought an understanding what Krishna meant by 'Super Soul', the absolute love for all, as I wasn't much of an individual soul or wasn't much of individual consciousness, but Soul of all souls - God Soul and All Consciousness - One. It was when I was truly "it," I was able to comprehend this so deeply, as myself.

"I love you so completely, so truly and so deeply, my eternal beloved," I said to Jeffrey Dahmer. "My love for you never ends, my love."

He was no other than La Kingsavanh, Self, Love, God. It was remarkable and ungraspable the infinite love within. Who I was, was God love. There were no walls, no attachments or hindrances to my love and compassion, spreading everywhere and anywhere and to everyone and anyone. It was great freedom, liberation to love limitlessly, purely and depthless, with no end and no difference.

While continued enduring the pain, Krishna appeared when I was at a store buying different creams for my dry, flaky winter skin. We made love. It was indescribable.

"You made it," he said. "You have completely made it."

Once home, I meditated. Krishna sat on a tree limb; I leaned on his chest looking at clear skies. It was a place where I threw away my last load of conditions into streams, before entering Nirvana, the golden, shiny Buddha Land. Tall, thick green grass had wilted, only water was left. He and I observed the calmness amid the soft, beautiful sun's light gold reflections.

"Happy now?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm happy now. I'm with you, my love," I replied.

"I can't be away from you," he said. "You're the most beautiful Soul I have ever seen."

My love for him wasn't translatable in words, so I was silent and touched by his depthless affection. Another he appeared in the air, transparent playing the flute and making pink lotus petals fall on us. Krishna extended his hand, the lotus petals fell on his palm. Before I touched the petals in his hand, I observed for a second unsure if I should eat them, though I ate all the petals that fell in his open palm.

"Let's have a family. Let's start all the way from the beginning," I suggested.

"The beginning," he said.

"The beginning," I said since nothing ever ended. It was always the eternal start, newness.

In the air, I took off my clothes. My energy immediately turned gold and the whole entirety, the Universe itself instantly transformed into gold.

"Come and get me!" I shouted.

He flew me down, I laughed. My laughter was the only sound in the Universe.

The energy inside was similar to previous day, letting go was no doubt tough. At times I wanted to distract myself, though there was no desire, so I allowed myself to be with the hurt. Although I noticed for quite some time now, when describing something I'd use the words "ultimate, completely, most precious, the most beautiful," and so on.

Despite a year ago not liking stink bugs being in my room because when they let out the stinky smell, it could be truly dreadful and the reeks kept me up one night. Now they were okay, I enjoyed their company and talking to them similar to how I talked to Krishna and Santi, with no difference.

Some crawled on my head and arms at night. They were all over. When Sean grabbed a tissue to take them outside, I'd ask him not to harm them. Sometimes watching those bugs crawling on my blanket, computer or on the floor was enthralling. I was in awe; they were truly little precious beings. Everything became the most beautiful and the most perfect. Inside, I was full of gentleness and couldn't harm even the tiniest thing, but adored them as they were deeply magnificent. Little things I wouldn't have noticed, for instance, watching squirrels running up and down the trees, nibbling and holding their foods became miraculous and wondrous.

"So beautiful, my love. So cute," I'd say, amazed like a child seeing it for the first time with such great love, as I came down to simplest, needing nothing much, only for survival like food, air, shelter, and so on. On one occasion, I witnessed a bug tipped over, I'd wait to see if they could help themselves or ask if they needed my help, if they couldn't, I'd assist them saying, "There you go, my love."

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