Fun fact, this film was edited by the same
guy who edited arguably the best batman movie
ever made, but whatever. Sometime
in the distant future.
These jet black McGuffin devices appear in space
with no source of origin.
These men have a meeting about the black objects.
Basically the guy says “look, some people
are gonna die, know you’re worried about
your family, but I’m gonna ask that we keep
this between you, me and only the people relevant
to the plot”.
A team of researchers were sent off into space
to research the black things — The End basically,
because they never came back or whatever, but
there’s more than an hour and half of run
time left so the movie sends another group
of dudes into space after them.
See, most guys would jump at the opportunity
to explore the galaxy.
The Future Astronauts get tons of hook ups like Kmart
VR trooper outfits and cool spacecrafts, but
our main character seems bothered.
The main character guy seems homesick or something
as he stays up while the other folks rest
peacefully in these sleep chambers, but he
luckily his company’s kept by some family
members with Skype accounts.
Okay, after they reach the docking station
that looks like an Elysium movie poster.
You realize that this movie is fake and could
never happen.
Why?
Because if this truly takes place in the future, the
events would have to occur well after Skynet
became self aware and there’s no way possible
that humans would ever trust a machine that could
think on it’s own again, right? So why
are they trusting the A.I. computer?
Soooo fake.
To be fair, It’s hard to trust anyone basically.
For example, one of the crew members double
crosses the main character.
First, the evil crew member is responsible for the death of one of the side characters.
Then the evil character commandeers the ship’s
airlock preventing the good guys from coming
aboard.
the bad guy’s like “look at me, I’m the
captain now” as he feels the good guys will
jeopardize the mission.
I would only be kinda pissed if this happened
to me in real life, but the fact that I put
my life on the line to save mankind, the end
would justify the means and stuff.
Oh, never mind, I forgot that the scientist
gets a message from earth saying that the
mission was B.S. and the group that sent them
into space gave them fake information to trick
them into accepting the message in the first
place.
So, yeah, I take it back, I’d be pissed. After that,
the hero guy sees the black object floating
in space and decides to get closer to collect
data.
Question, what looks really hot in a dress?
Answer: Science does.
So the director decides to screw it (rimshot sound effect)!
The hero gets to the black object and then it
acts as a portal of some sort into another
dimension.
The good guy is all constipated going through
the vortex.
When the trip finally ends, he’s in this
bedroom or something.
It’s really weird as we're able to see
older and younger versions of himself at the
same time.
See time is really the only capital any that
any human being has and the only thing that
he can’t afford to lose. Thomas Edison
much?
The main guy sees the black thingy, he reaches
for the black thingy and he touches the black
thingy.
It takes him back into our galaxy where he
floats in space.
Only thing is he’s now younger than everybody
else he knew before he left for his voyage.
So it’s like he’s getting too old for
this Sword and too young for it at the same time.
Those are 24 reasons these movies are the
same.
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