

# The Old One

Gren De Bouverie

# .

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2013 Gren De Bouverie

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# Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

# -1-

So glad that shit's over for the day, I'll soon be playing tennis on the garage door, that'll make me feel better. Is that you home Gren, yeah mum, your father wants to see you in the study. Shit, my stomach drops, ok, as I wander down to the kitchen my mother is there crying into a teatowel. Are you ok mum, yeah I'm fine don't worry about me, just go out and see your father.

Bloody report books, mine came home yesterday. Dad was at work, so I know what he wants. Now the study out the back is a separate room from the main house, my father collects all things concerned with railways, which is handy I guess cause he also drives locomotives. Bookshelves floor to ceiling line three walls, there's a great big desk in the middle, which my father sits behind in a big swivel chair. My seat I know, will be a short three legged stool.

I knock on the door, yes, it's Gren, 10 seconds later the door opens, come in, my report book is open right in the middle of that big desk. Hi dad, no answer. I sit on my little stool my father walks behind me and sits in his big swivel chair. What is the meaning of this he says pointing at my report book. I..I d..don't know dad I'm sorry, don't be sorry this has been going on all year, your grades are getting worse and worse and cut out that stammering. What do you think you're going to do with yourself in life, according to this Nothing. All your teachers have said the same thing, could try harder, doesn't pay attention, doesn't participate, won't extend himself, what do you think school is some bloody holiday. No dad, If you don't wake up to yourself very soon you're going to finish up a total no-hoper, do you understand that, Yes dad, I don't care about the other kids acting the goat, playing the fool, you don't have to join in if you don't have an education in this life you will be nothing, do you understand. Yes dad, You don't have to be bloody popular you're there to learn I know you're a lot smarter than these marks, so cut out the bullshit and knuckle down to your studies, stop trying to be a big man at school and just get stuck right into the work. Yes dad, and you can stop that habit too, Sorry, and no more hitting that bloody tennis ball on the garage door, if you want to play tennis go to the courts but only after you've done your homework and study, yes dad, stop bloody saying yes dad, do you understand you are going to finish up a total no-hoper if you don't do something about it, I do, good then get out of my sight. As I close the door on the way out I think to myself, how unfair those words in the report book are, true maybe, but so unfair. I can see why he's so annoyed, all he's got is those words. I can't tell the real story there should be no dobbing no matter what. Everyone has to go through the same thing.

Mum's still wiping her eyes with the teatowel, how'd it go with your father Gren ok mum I'm sorry, that's alright son, you know you can do better, I know, do you want to have some weet-bix, yeah okay. Getting the packet from the cupboard I grab a bowl, we have small bowls, but I've worked out if I crunch up three weet-bix in the bottom I can fit another four on top. Putting heaps of sugar on making the milk spill on the table I think I better just eat it here in the kitchen, don't want to go into the lounge and turn the TV on in case the old man comes in and gives me another serve. When you finish that Gren, you better go up to your room and see if you can do some study, okay mum, have you got some homework or something you can do in case your father comes in, yeah no worries. Spooning the last of the milk into my mouth isn't as sweet as usual, even though the same amount of sugar is in it, nothing is the same the day school reports come out, nothing. Putting the spoon and bowl into the sink I head up to my room, should say our room, cause I share with my younger brother Keith, he's only six, knows nothing about life. I don't shut the door because dad doesn't like closed doors, now I need to get changed out of this school uniform, mum would have normally pulled me up over that but when she's upset she doesn't. Right into shorts and teeshirt, hang up my school shorts and jumper, now what.

Schoolwork, huh, what a bastard the old man is, mum's out there crying, cause she would have got in the shit over my report, happens every term, you don't drive him hard enough to study he says to her, it's all your fault, mum sticks up for me and that just makes him more angry. Makes me feel so bad when I know I've caused them to have an argument. And for what, my education, what a joke, just to get through a single period not even a day without a major incident is great. At least now I know for sure that I'm never going to do any good after I finish school, it doesn't bother me a jot I just want to be out of the joint. Surely it just can't get any worse. Totally pissed off with everything , pulling faces, the grunting noises, being called swaggy, the old man, knowing I've got school forever cause I'm only just thirteen, so sick and tired of being picked on, I really feel bad, don't know why I haven't killed myself already it just goes on and on and on, think I'm gonna cry.

"Stop it you weak bastard" I say to myself, "why" I answer, "no good sitting around feeling sorry for yourself" I say "why not" I answer, "cause everyone has to go through the same thing", "I wonder if everyone gets the right answer from themselves" I say, "of course" I answer Wow. Talking it through with myself really helps, so that's what you're supposed to do, never done it before but I'll sure as hell be doing it again.

What was that Gren mum called, nothing mum just reading aloud, shit need to be careful I don't talk too loud, so this is the secret get the answers from yourself, "fantastic" I whisper, "of course" I answer. This is how everyone does it, why, why has it taken me thirteen years to figure it out. Feels great, I've got a friend, and he's always with me, always got the right answer, never picks on me, at last someone on my side.

Bang, shit it's the back screen door, gotta be the old man cause Keith's watching TV and my sisters are out. Pick a book any book, maths, that'll impress him, he walks up and into my room, good to see you working, I think we need to work you out a study timetable maybe something like this. He puts a card on the desk, that he's divided into seven, one for each day. If you work your subjects into days and times, and stick to the timetable, you'll see great results by the end of the year. Very good idea dad I'll get onto it as soon as I finish this, the sooner the better fella, sooner the better. Now I've got to go to a meeting I expect to see that timetable worked out tomorrow, sure dad it'll be done. I stay with the maths book, two minutes later I hear him call out, I'm off Vicki (that's my mum) there's no answer, mum's still crying into the teatowel, thirty seconds later the car reverses out of the driveway, I rest easy at last. Putting aside the maths book I pick up the piece of card, this is my chance to really impress him. Mum comes in, patting her eyes with the teatowel, what's he say Gren, he just wants me to make up a study timetable so I know what I have and haven't done, oh ok can you do it by yourself, yeah mum, no worries. I write Monday thru Sunday on the seven sections, how easy is this, do what people want you to do and everything is simple. This is not going to make one bit of difference to me, but if it keeps the old man happy then it's just too easy.

Right, got English, Maths, Science and History to fit into 7 days. Thank god I can't do homework on woodwork and sheetmetal, absolutely bloody useless at both of them but it's just something they do at Tutty Tech. They're both bloody disastrous classes for me, constantly asked for the old one or for a grunt, Teachers can't hear a bloody thing over the hammering and bashing of kids making things. Even though I hate the bloody ratpack as I call them (to myself) sometimes I'm jealous of the way they can cut and piece the wood in the proper way so it fits together and makes something that looks good, or bend and solder tin together to make a nice little box. My efforts are so bad never, ever turn out any good at all, I seem to have no ability whatsoever when it comes to making anything, I try really hard but nothing, no improvement, absolutely bloody useless.

Ok so I'll go Monday English Science, Tuesday Maths History, Wednesday Science Maths, Thursday Science History, Friday English Maths, Saturday History Maths and Sunday I'll just put revision all. Sounds quite good I think that revision all, yes he'll be very pleased with that. Gee it makes me feel good when I've done something dad will like, doesn't happen very often at all though cause the only things he seems to like about me are all about school. Complete bastard of a place hate it hate it hate it wish I'd never been born, don't want to go there just so bad. Just seems so stupid trying to keep going I'm only going to be a no-hoper in life anyway, never ever going to improve maybe I really should die. Done this bloody timetable for what to impress him, that's not going to help anything when the next report book comes home, it'll be the same it'll be the same forever it just goes on and on and on.

# -2-

Gidday Gren, hi Isobel (my younger sister) so my sisters are home from school, I can hear Michelle my other sister as well. We're all 2 years apart and I'm the eldest, think I should be the smartest, lucky they do cause no-one else does especially dad. Least it's different here, don't get picked on, not the bottom of the list, bloody school causes all my problems Buggered if I know what happened when I was at Tuttanham Primary School which my sisters are at now. I had no problems whatsoever. All I've done really is jumped over the fence cause the two schools are side by side. Used to be great I was good in class always answering questions probably even one of the brains but no-one ever said anything bad to me or anyone else. Time in the playground was fun cricket, football, general playing around it was such fun. I never made faces or noises, it was just fantastic to go to school then. Now a year and a half later it's like I'm in a totally different world, I can still see Tutty State School from the quadrangle of Tutty Tech, I really wish I was back there. No kids from my year 6 class are in my class now. In fact I think there was only 3 or 4 kids that came to Tutty Tech from state school in my year. It just seems so, so different never any fun, no-one in my class lives anywhere near me, not that I'd want to muck around with them anyway especially the ratpack, well maybe a couple of the others but they wouldn't want to be hanging around with me anyway I'm sure of that. I reckon it'd help me a bit if I could stay up later at night and watch some of the shows they watch on TV. The ratpack especially are always talking about some show or other that's on after 8.30 sometimes even 10.00. My bedtime is a strict 8.00 which I reckon is way too early seeing as though I'm 13, and there's so much good stuff on tele after 8.30. Not like anyone else is watching my sisters and brother are in bed, dad's usually out at some meeting or another, if not at work and mum's generally doing some sort of work around the house, just doesn't seem to make any sense when mum says Gren turn the TV off it's bedtime, I mean it just sits there and goes to waste don't understand why, I'm never tired, the other kids watch and watch why can't I. Have asked mum often (never dad) can I stay up a bit later always the same answer, you need your sleep am definitely going to keep asking her, not giving up. Spose there's one good thing about living here no-one picks on me like at school, being the eldest I guess I'm lucky I guess I'm kinda in charge of Michelle, Isobel and Keith they never ever ask me why I pull faces or make noises, never make fun of it I often wonder if they even notice it. Mum and dad on the other hand will often say stop that bloody habit but things like that don't upset me cause I hate doing it wish I could stop but it just goes on and on something I have no control over whatsoever. Spose there's more things than just that Mum's always nice to me if she tells me to do something and I don't feel like it I can always say something like I'll do it later or ok and not do it at all, I reckon she knows what I don't do cause sometimes she gets real mad not often though. Dad though's totally different when he says do something whether it's chores or homework it has to be done straight away, no arguing just do it, don't know why I'm scared of him he's never ever hit me or anything, think it's just his big voice and the way he gets red in the face when he's angry that scares me and boy does he get angry quick when he wants to. He always says I need a good clip around the ears and that really scares me just the thought of that big hand belting me around my ears brrrr sends shivers right up my spine hopefully that's never going to happen. Quite sure he wouldn't mind a jot if I killed myself not that I've ever given it any thought like how it would affect anyone, reckon he'd be secretly glad about it now I think about that I guess mum would be a bit sad for a little while if I was dead but I don't think it'd last long cause she obviously knows that I'm never going to be any good at anything in life cause she went to school too and like dad she'd know that if you're no good at school you're absolutely bloody useless in life, think she's too nice to say anything to me though. As for Michelle, Isobel and Keith, wouldn't matter at all, Michelle would be in charge cause she'd be the eldest and Keith would have his own room, don't know why I thought of that can't see your own room being any big deal. Isobel's only 8 so wouldn't bother her, don't know why I'm thinking about this cause no-one here would ever give me any reason to die. Certainly wouldn't worry anyone at school that's for sure they'd all be happy about it, then they'd have to find someone else to pick on, well that's tough cause I'm just sick of it. My family has never known anyone who has ever died forever so I don't really know much about it. I mean I know for a fact that it doesn't hurt cause when I was 6 or 7 I had to go to hospital in Colac I had a lot of infected teeth 12 or 13 I think, they had to give me a general anaesthetic which puts you so much to sleep that you don't know anything. When I woke up later they told me that my heart had stopped for about 30 odd seconds so I was totally dead, they fixed me up and I don't remember anything about it if they hadn't have told me I'd died I wouldn't have known. So at least I now know for sure it doesn't hurt a bit, and I also know that if they want to doctors can make you live again if you die cause they did that to me but I think that's only in a pretty short time after it happens anyway. If I do it no-one's going to find me quickly that's for sure definitely not coming back.

# -3-

Totally so pissed off with being picked on sick of it, sick of it, sick of it tired of everything especially pulling these bloody faces. I reckon they cause most of the problem but I can't bloody well stop. Doing it right now had enough, gonna do it all the time for the next half hour then I'll get tired of it, non stop for half an hour. Not working, getting a sore top lip, shit not only can't I stop doing it I can't make myself do it. Gotta go watch in the mirror in the bathroom, might be easier, we're allowed to shut the bathroom door to. Okay. Geez you're ugly, bloody great high forehead looks like I'm going bald, really short haircut almost a number one but that's what mum asks for when I go to the barber, some freckles a few zits, not as many as some kids but mine are definitely bigger and in far worse positions on my face. Really truly the picture of ugliness, the other kids are right I mean the ratpack I'm most certainly the worst looking kid in school, even without these bloody faces I pull, just out and out ugly. No wonder I get what I get, I thoroughly deserve it, looking the way I look they're quite right when they call me ugly, dickhead, shithead, swaggy or whatever I really, really deserve it, well at least that makes me feel better now I know that I'm getting what I truly deserve it makes it easier to take, still don't like it one bit but I think I can understand why they do it. I mean I'm the ugliest looking person in my class by a long way there's no-one else that even looks half way as bad as I do. I think I'm finally starting to get things sorted out. I'm thinking this without the bloody face pulling that just makes me ten times worse and the noises oh forget it. Need to talk about this, need to talk about this now, now I've got someone to talk to, better grab a tennis racquet, mum, going down to the tennis court for a while, have you done what your father asked, yeah he asked me to make up a study timetable, done that got no homework tonight, well ok you sure, yeah sure, tea's at 6 you haven't got long, no worries I'll be back at 6. Out of the driveway, turn left to head towards the tennis courts, where can I go to talk. I know behind the squash courts, just past the tennis courts, big open space no-one around, no-one to hear, perfect.

Here at last, now I can ask myself some questions and get some real answers. Do you think I'm ugly, most definitely, do I deserve to get picked on all the time, most definitely, is the ol's one that bad, of course it is and much worse you're just one ugly, ugly bastard and no-one likes you. What about the grunting noises weren't going to say anything about that huh, yeah I was, just haven't got around to it, oh yeah as if you weren't even going to mention it were you, yes I was don't get mad at me I'm not mad at you make you just have to realise that you deserve everything you got, or ok so when they ask me for the old one or to grunt that's ok, yeah they don't mean anything they just wanna have a laugh and you're real good to laugh at. My dad gets real mad at what I don't do well in my subjects, I can't listen to what the teacher's saying most of the time cause I keep waiting for one of the ratpack to pick on me for the old one, don't worry about it he went to school he knows what goes on, I hope he wasn't picked on like me, mum, hope they were the ones picking on people and having fun, yeah they probably were but they'd certainly know all about it. Then why the hell does dad go on and on about homework, study and all the other bullshit about if you don't have a good education you can't do anything in life, he's just doing what his father did, but Why, cause that's what fathers do, yeah, am I mad to be talking like this to myself don't know anyone else that does it, don't worry they all do it only when they're alone, what everyone at school even the ratpack, Yeah have they ever ever said to you you're mad or you're crazy, no never, don't you think they would if they thought it, Too right, well there you go then no-one thinks you're mad, or ok I'm going over to the courts to see if there's anyone to have a hit with, good idea.

Bugger it, 20 past 5 and no-one's here bloody courts locked, can't be bothered walking all the way back to Joe's to see if he wants a hit, no time anyway, should have gone there first, couldn't have talked then oh well may as well head back home, haven't even got a bloody ball to hit against the wall here. Bloody hell bet there'll be someone here shortly, fat lot of good it'll do me though, mum's been upset and crying so there's no way I'm staying out later than 6. I don't want to make things worse than I already have, think I've done more than enough already. Just head home and watch a bit o' TV mate, yeah, hey this talking to myself is easy, real good too. The old man out at some bloody meeting or another, Keith will still be watching tele, I'll tell mum I'm just going to take it easy til teatime, she'll be ok with that so everything good. Racquet on the bed, go and see what's on tele, Is that you Gren, yeah mum, there was no-one at the courts, orr that's good now you can go around the shop for me, I was gonna just watch some TV, no you're going to the shop don't argue ok? I'll make you a list just wait there, there you go just ask Mr Shorer to put it down and don't dawdle your tea will be ready very soon. Mr Shorer is the shop owner and mum has an account there that I think she pays every week or so, looking at the list I see milk, bread, ginger ale and butter, Bugger she never told me to take a stringbag, better grab one.

Bloody ginger ale that's for dad he's the only one allowed it not us kids, sometimes I sneak some and replace it by putting water in, don't think he knows in fact he doesn't cause he'd sure as hell say something. Us kids have mostly water, sometimes cordial, cordial never lasts long though still good while it does. Young Gren, hi Mr Shorer mum wants this as I pass the list, Sure, he gets the milk, butter and dry ginger from the fridge, grabs the bread on the way back, There you go, Thankyou, I take the string bag and head to the door. Forgot to check the phone box on the way in, there's a dozen or so shops together here and outside the fish and chip shop there's a phone box I always check the coin return chute to see if there's any money in it, only ever happened once, but still you never know. Check the chute, nothing, kids at school tear bits of the phone book out and push the paper up the chute, then they come back in a day or so later and pull the paper out, sometimes I hear them talking about it, mostly the ratpack, they get lots of money that way. I'd never do that, though don't even want to think about how much trouble I'd get into if I did it and my parents, especially dad, found out. I have no need for money anyway, mum makes our lunches for school everyday almost never buy anything from the tuckshop, gee I'd like to though. If I need money for something like a bus fare or sometimes, not often, just to buy something at the milk bar she'll give me some, if she thinks it's a good enough reason. Ar well, better head home. Hi Mr Barker, hello, that's Joe's father my friend, he's a year younger than me, he goes to Brinbrook High School, wish he went to Tuttanham Tech. Wish my dad was like Mr. Barker, he bought a pool table and he plays pool with Joe in the lounge sometimes I play pool with Joe but never with Mr Barker. Joe's even allowed to taste beer, his dad lets him have a small glass sometimes when he's having a drink, it's true, how good would that be. My dad doesn't drink but wouldn't it be just fantastic to be having beer and playing pool with your dad, and just thinking about that makes me so jealous, I'll never ever ever say anything though.

Back mum, What took you so long, I was talking to Mr Barker, I told you not to dawdle, tea's on the table sit down and eat before it goes cold. Not really that hungry but not going to say anything, have before and she'll go on about me filling up on those bloody weet-bix and I won't be able to have them for a few days, better just to eat it. I sit in my chair, which is actually dad's chair when he and mum have tea we never all eat together cause there's only 4 chairs one for each of us kids. Tea's a quiet time, no-one talks much, dad doesn't like us talking while we're eating not that he's normally in the house, normally he's out in the study, but he's not even home so it's pretty relaxed. Sausages with mashed potato and pumpkin together, don't really like pumpkin, got a funny taste, makes the potato a funny yellow colour but still I'll eat it and peas, wack some tomato sauce on and it'll taste fine. Not much conversation, I'm sitting opposite Isobel, Michelle's beside me and Keith's across from her. Only real talk's mum telling us off for talking with our mouths' full, less talk and more eating, just that sort of stuff. The others finish tea before me, cause they started earlier, they get up and leave, don't have to say "please can I leave the table" which we always have to do if dad's there, mum usually pulls us up on that too, but not tonight. I finish tea and get up, What are you doing tonight love have you got some study you can do, Not really I'm thinking, Yeah mum I'll find something to brush up on I'll start in a few minutes, That's good make sure that you do cause your father's spoken, Yeah ok. Keith and Isobel are sitting in the lounge, mucking around, the news is on TV, bloody news, who the hell wants to watch news only bloody thing on, no choice whatsoever. Still light enough to hit on the garage door, better not though mum might get upset or even worse the old man might find out, yeah forget that, not a chance. There's that stupid bloody study timetable what a joke just plain bloody ridiculous, stupid even doing it particularly now it's like the September holidays for chrissake, time to forget about all the shit at school, certainly not going to remind myself about it by reading bloody textbooks, arguing going over to my grandfather's place on Sunday for a week or so. He lives at Caulfield which is on the other side of town, know a few kids over there and he'll let me sell papers from the newsagency up the road plenty of kids do that so I'll make some money, no-one teases or bullies me there so that'll be great.

Might just have a look at this atlas for a bit, kill some time, dad bought it somewhere and it's bloody huge, gotta be 3 feet across and the same or even bigger the other way, got these wire things to hold the pages together, not really pages big thick pieces of cardboard with a plastic sort of coating on. Only six pages in it but it's got so many colours and so many countries. Such a big place the whole world, bet there's nowhere else cept here that anyone gets bullied and picked on all the time. Just my bloody luck to have to be right here. Why can't we live in Europe, so bloody big so many places not small like Australia, there'd be no bullies, the ratpack would never ever go to France or Switzerland, Poland, Spain so for every why, why, why couldn't I live over there, things would be so much better I know. What about America so big takes up a whole bloody page and a bit more, Canada, Oklahoma, Iowa, New York, so many better places to live and I'm bloody stuck right here in Brinbrook, how unfair is that, just not right. Life's not easy for me but at least I'm pretty damned sure that it can't get any worse, even when I grow up and be a no-hoper there's no way it can be as bad as this. Least I won't be going to Tuttanham Tech then, nothing but nothing can ever be as bad as going there. So glad it's holidays I must get a break from the ratpack. If I had to face them every single day without holidays it would be just impossible, but weekends public and school holidays are so good, really really need them just to get away from the shit, don't need to be doing anything special I mean I quite like going to my grandfather's place for a holiday but to just get out of that bloody school is fantastic, Yeah just thinking about it it'll be ok to be a no-hoper, least I'll be able to go where I want, live where I want, talk to whoever I want to and if I don't like something I can just move, it's going to be great so much better than now.

God I wish I could stop pulling these bloody faces, the grunts I seem to be able to stop or not stop but at least I have some control over when I do them wish the faces were the same. Absolutely, bloody impossible in class, actually woodwork is not too bad now, Mr Zieling always says when we go in, Gren, you can go out and pick up papers in the schoolground, or sometimes he gets me to do something in his little office in the back of the room, least I don't have to stay in the classroom with the rest of them especially the ratpack, I don't know if he knows what's going on and is helping me out (which he is) or if he just knows how bloody useless I really am and that I'm never going to be any good at woodwork or anything else for that matter, either way I don't care I wish all the teachers would do that then I wouldn't have to be in a classroom at all. He always gives me a passing grade which is good. Science is totally different only way to get out is to play up and get thrown out, some kids do I wouldn't be game to do that. Mr Bowden the teacher always sits at his desk at the front he only gets up to write on the blackboard, I sit in the second last row, there's five rows of desks, I'm not sitting right up the front cause I don't want him to pick me for questions and I also don't want him to see me pulling faces. The bloody ratpack always sit either side of me in science with one of them right in front of me. When I get asked a question if I know the answer I say it real quick or else I say Dunno sir real quick. Bloody Barry one of the ratpack (he always sits in front of me) will always turn around when the teacher singles me out and start pulling faces at me non-stop. The others in the ratpack always laugh, not that loud (but I can always hear) sometimes Mr Bowden hears and says stop that laughing, but I try and give some sort of answer before then cause I go all red in the face. Not that often he asks me questions anyway maybe every second lesson or so, so I guess it's not that big of a deal. He's always asking questions though, kids put their hands up to answer most times I know the answer but there is no way my hand is ever going up, not helping them put shit on me no way. Seems strange sometimes cause kids will answer wrong, I mean it's not that hard why the hell would you put your hand up if you didn't for sure know the right answer. The ratpack and some others laugh a bit when that happens bloody good they're not laughing at me. If he asks one of the ratpack a question (they never put their hands up either) they hardly ever know the answer, they all just laugh at each other, not many others laugh though. Whenever Mr Bowden is writing on the blackboard or reading from a book they're always pulling faces at me, not all at once but always one of them, sometimes I pull them back but not often though cause they laugh. I remember once Mr Bowden said what are you laughing at and Bob (another of the ratpack) said Sir DeBouverie is making me laugh he's pulling faces while you're reading. Well didn't Mr Bowden go off at me, DeBouverie if you spent more time paying attention to what's going on in class, less time acting the fool you'd do far better wake up to yourself. They all laughed then, the whole class I think, wasn't my fault, but I guess that sort of thing just happens. It's really hard no not hard bloody impossible to take in everything Mr Bowden says. I'm always on the lookout for them and their bloody face pulling, just all the time, all the bloody time. Never stops, quite often I finish a science period and don't remember a bloody thing, most times I remember some things though, must remember enough cause I know the answers to his questions next class though, mind you, I'm never putting my hand up though. Trouble is that when we do a test or exam it's on maybe 5-6 or 10 classes I've well and truly forgotten that, oh well. History is even harder than science, so many things to remember dates, places, different countries really have trouble taking it in, the ratpack sit differently they all sit together at the back on my right, Mr Ralfe walks around the room, every single time I look at them when he's not looking they're all pulling faces at me. I can't stop myself looking across at them, I know what they're doing, I'm always always thinking about them if Mr Ralfe asks me a question. I usually say sorry don't know sir if the ratpack laugh which they usually do he'll say what are you laughing at do you have the answer, they never do. Sometimes, not very often, I know the answer but if it's something we learnt the day before or in the current lesson I'm a fair chance of getting it right. Cause it's history though usually a date of some bloody invasion or war or something that we learnt 2 weeks ago, no chance of me remembering that. Quite amazing though what two or three kids in the class do they seem to know everything always got their hands up always got the right answer. The ratpack calls them brains or suckasses or smartasses and other things. Doesn't seem to bother them though they just keep on answering the questions buggered if I know why, don't know why it bothers me so much being called swaggy bloody well never going to be called a brain as well, that's for sure. It must be just as bad being called a brain surely, some kids call each other by first name that would be fantastic, only place I get called Gren is at home, by the teachers or at tennis maybe at Joe's place too, guess there are other places but I can't think of them right now. English is not the same as the others cause I know what Mrs Murphett (the teacher) is talking about, still get the faces of the ratpack but doesn't seem to bother me so much in understanding what she's talking about. Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that I love reading, not textbooks but any other book that's got some adventure in it. Usually all the words she's talking about in class I've already read in books and worked out what they mean, if I don't I'll sometimes look them up in the dictionary. If we have to write an essay in class or for homework just seems really easy to do. No effort at all no big deal being easy though cause I always get good marks in English, never ever got less than B mostly A so spose it doesn't really count with dad. Gets a bit confusing the nouns and verbs and things like that but even the brains don't get them right most of the time so I don't worry about it. Bit strange English class cause I really do like it. Maths though is shit but only the brains do well at it anyway. You have to use all these different sorts of formulas to work out answers and in between listening to Mr White the teacher and watching the ratpack with their bloody facepulling at me and my wondering my constant wondering why can't they leave me alone it's actually a bloody nightmare. Not like you can do most of the problems in your head if I could that would be fine but I need these bloody formula things to be able to work them out and a formula we learnt maybe 6-10 weeks ago goes on forever in Maths, just seems to be so hard to remember everything in fact impossible, bloody impossible. As for the sheetmetal well forget it Mr Pace doesn't send me out like Mr Zieling does in woodwork but I wish he would. Stupid, stupid thing to be doing bending a soldering tin together to makes boxes and things. I hate it bloody hate it totally useless at it and the worst thing is kids are free to move around and look at others' work, bloody ratpack always at me asking for the old one, bending my tin the wrong way when Mr Pace isn't watching. Not that I can get it right anyway but I know I could do it a lot better than I do if only they would just leave me the bloody hell alone. Still doesn't really affect my marks still get a pass same as woodwork, just a pass though, think maybe everyone for all time always passes them, no such thing as a fail, I know if there was I sure would that's for sure.

Enough of that bloody thinking of school too depressing and a total waste of time. What am I gonna do now only been up here 20 minutes, might see if I can beat my record of 14 bounces on the tennis racquet with the ball. Just bounce it a couple of inches maybe 6, bugger can get to 8-9 can't seem to get any more. Oh good been here half an hour now think I'll go down and watch tele for a while mum should be ok with 1/2 an hour of study. Oh great the Beverley Hillbillies has just started fantastic, You finished all your study Gren, yeah mum not a lot to do tonight, I'm gonna take my books over to grandpa's though and look at them over the holidays, Oh that's good. Shit why the hell did I buy that for, hadn't even given it a thought just came out, still no big deal I can take the books over to grandpa's won't make me study, better remember to tell him that I have some nights though cause he might tell dad and that'll make him happy that's for sure. Love the Beverley Hillbillies it would be just great to live like them, just great.

Well 8 o'clock Keith's just gone to bed so I should be able to stay up til about 9 at least, gotta have a look in the TV book to see what's on. Bugger all, they put all the good shows on during the week not Friday that's so kids can talk about them the next day at school obviously, brilliant there's no school tomorrow anyway but even if there was I can't see anything on that anyone would talk about anyway, oh well just my luck the one time I get to stay up I reckon til at least 9 and nothing good to watch. Reckon I'll get to stay up even later maybe even 10 or 11, well maybe 10 cause mum's still a bit upset. Spose it'll just depend if she knows what time dad's coming home from his meeting. I definitely don't want to be up then anyway in fact I want to be asleep in case they start arguing, cause I really hate it when they argue mum always cries and that always makes me feel so bad for her and so bloody angry at the old man, it's just impossible for me to go to sleep if they're having an argument. Maybe I just better go to bed about 9 hopefully he won't be home til at least 10 should be well and truly asleep by then. Yep, good idea that's what I'll do, Mum can I go to bed at 9, yes ok, good thanks.

# -4-

Sunday at last, we're all in the car just about to arrive at grandpa's, got my little bag mum packed I'm staying for a week and 3 days, be really good to get away from everything, good to see Gary and Tony again, they're my friends over here at Caulfield, they live quite close to grandpa's house couple of hundred metres. And also to see Boss that's Mr Patience the man that owns the newsagency where I'll sell and maybe deliver papers now I've got a bike at grandpa's as well as at home. He's real good always gives me a job when I come over, real good. Now we're almost here I reckon this place (Caulfield) is fantastic and wish I lived here, no-one calls me swaggy no-one picks on me get on with everyone all the people over here call me Gren, dunno why I didn't think of that the other night, oh well long way from Brinbrook to Caulfield all the way across town. Pulling into grandpa's drive, don't suppose you brought any schoolbooks to study while you're here Gren, yeah dad I have I brought them all and I've brought the study timetable. That was a good idea, yeah well just make sure you use it gotta get ahead in life, just not one big holiday there's hard work to be done, no worries dad I'll be sticking to the timetable, make sure you do.

Just grandpa and me at last just waved mum, dad, Michelle Isobel and Keith off. I go into my room and unpack my bag not a lot just t-shirts, shorts, couple of jumpers, tracky pants, schoolbooks. Well they can bloody go over there where I can't really see em, right got a toilet bag, toothbrush comb roll-on underarm stuff toothpaste, that can all go to the bathroom, done. Gong Gong, grandpa's got a big clock in the loungeroom bigger than me even bigger than dad it's real high. Goes Gong every hour so it's now 2 o'clock when it's 9 it Gongs 9 times. Actually grandpa's got 2 loungerooms his house is much bigger than ours. The room with the clock in joins the kitchen and my bedroom and grandpa's room, the other lounge is up the front of the house and is much bigger there's a big couch and two big chairs in it that's where the TV is too. Good over here grandpa goes to bed about 8.30 he gets up real early and he always says goodnight sleep tight doesn't stay up too late so I can go to bed when I want to. Seeing as I'll be selling papers though I have to get up early even before grandpa so I never say up that late anyway cause I feel tired, doesn't worry me here though going to bed cause I know I could stay up if I wanted to. Seeing as it's Sunday arvo and I haven't seen boss yet I'll stay up late tonight maybe even 11 cause I haven't got a job for tomorrow morning so it doesn't matter even if I sleep in til 9 cause grandpa doesn't mind and he won't wake me up early, that always happens at home, doesn't matter if it's a school day or not. Well Gren are you glad the holidays are here, Yeah, are you hungry want an apple, no thanks, how's school, good grandpa can you help me get my bike out, yes sure. My bike is in a little shed out the back of the garage, has to be unlocked, there's a few pieces of wood over my bike leaning on the wall, grandpa has got lots of tools he makes stuff out of wood, bet he was really good at school especially woodwork. Good he's got the wood moved and is wheeling my bike backwards out the door, I check the back tyre it's really soft front tyres the same, no matter got a pump and all here. Two minutes later the shed's locked and my tyres are pumped up fine. Is it ok if I go around and see if Gary and Tony are home, sure sure, could you be home about 5 for tea, no worries won't matter if I'm back at 10 past 5 I won't get into trouble not like that at home. Gary and Tony Shields are kids I met here last year Gary is 2 years younger than me and Tony is a year younger than Gary. They live with their mum I don't know where their dad is never thought to ask, not important. Gary delivers papers for boss so he'll know what the chances of me getting a job are I reckon. He's a pretty good boss always gives me a job but I can't wait from someone that knows. Mrs Shields is raking leaves in the front lawn as I ride in, Hi Gren hi Mrs Shields, are you here for the holidays, yeah are Gary and Tony home. Gary is inside doing I don't know what Tony's at the park, just got in, Thanks. Hi Gary, Gren fantastic glad you're here, me too, you still working for boss, yeah you'll get a job no worries he's short of kids right now some gone away for the holidays, Great, you should even be able to get a round maybe, wow that would be really great, wanna go and have a kick, Yeah, grab the footy, mum going to the park with Gren for a kick, Gary be back at 5 and bring Tony with you, yeah ok.

What a great fantastic holiday the best ever I think not just a break but a real holiday, always thought holidays meant more than just a break now I know for sure. Gary, Tony and I kicked the footy around the park most days, played records, ate sandwiches that Mrs Shields made, at her place, went up to Peter Thorn's place he's another kid that works for boss, he's got 3 brothers Allan, Ben and Gary, played footy and cricket with them been bloody fantastic, been able to stay up til whenever I want, no problems at all with grandpa and the best thing of all was the paper round in the morning, what about that actually delivered papers to houses, never done that before, get a set rate of pay for it $4.50 some days even did 2 rounds and after the paper round cause I started real early I could sell from the corner to people driving and walking past, absolutely bloody great talk about cash I was rolling in it. Gary and I went to the pictures, we played pinball machines, even went to Luna Park by ourselves, how good was that, then there was ice skating, we both fell over, great fun though, got to 8.30 at night when grandpa went to bed and I was just so tired and so happy totally worn out that I was really glad to go to bed as well. Every single day has just been great, geez I'm glad grandpa got me a bike to use while I'm here so easy to get around up to Gary's, then up to Peter's, not to mention the best of all riding up to boss's shop, used to take me 15 minutes to walk up there it's a fair way now it takes me 5 minutes to ride and I can have a paper round couldn't do that without a bike, no way.

Can't believe it's Wednesday already just back at grandpa's, did a round today and sold papers now it's 9.30 and grandpa's driving me home at 2. Boss paid me even said thanks to me, how about that I sure said thanks when he gave me $5.40 that I'd earned since Monday, glad I did two rounds both Monday and Tuesday, more money. I'd give just anything to be able to stay here forever it's just great, no-one's called me swaggy or asked for the old one or anything for so long seems like forever. No bullying no-one telling me to do this do that not being told education is the only thing that matters. I did put my schoolbooks up in the front room the day after I arrived but apart from move them a bit to make it look like I was using them, haven't touched them. Grandpa said to me last week, see you've got the books out good to see, the smarter you are the further you'll go, not sure what he meant about going further but I said that's for sure grandpa, anyway think it was the right thing to say he seemed to like it, hopefully he'll tell mum and dad, dad in particular cos I know he'll really love the idea of me studying. Bugger it don't want to even think of anything to do with school nothing at all, bet it'd all be so much different if I lived here and went to school here, no ratpack no old one, do study when I want to no-one telling me what to do when to go to bed when to get up, reckon I'd do real good at school here be able to listen to everything, be great, still be able to do a round before school cause Gary does, always have money, god life would just be bloody fantastic. No more hearing the old man telling mum off, she always says stuff back and usually a big argument happens and she finishes off crying, I could still go over and see everyone now and then, when I had time it'd be just bloody perfect. Be even better than New York or Iowa or any of those places, they're miles away right over the ocean, this is only 1/2 hour in the car, perfect bloody perfect. Wish I was game to ask grandpa whether I could come and live here he might say yes but there's no way I'm asking. He'd probably tell dad I think and I reckon he'd get real mad, don't know why but I think that's what would happen. Might even finish up with a good clip around the ears, definitely don't want that to happen.

Just my bloody luck whenever things are good like at Tuttanham State School I have to leave and go to Tuttanham Technical School and it's all shit, now I have to leave here when I'm having the best time and go back to Brinbrook, then back to school and it'll all be shit again, why the heck does it always work out that way. Never ever happens that it turns out to be good for me just like at Tutty Tech, good for others maybe but never for me. Guess all the bullying at school is just their way of getting me ready for the rest of my life, must be I spose cause anything good that happens to me really doesn't last long at all so if I get used to all this stuff now I'm just getting ready for when I grow up, well I spose someone's gotta be on the bottom, wish it wasn't me though. Not happening now why the hell are you wasting time thinking about this, don't know, stop it no good at all, okay, what was that Gren, nothing grandpa just reading aloud.

# -5-

Gren, time to get up back to school today, yeah ok bloody hell what a great dream, just sold 150 papers in 1/2 an hour, incredible, school don't even want to think about it. Gren come on time to get up love you'll be late for school okay coming, make sure you do, no bloody hurry to get to school that's for sure, wish I was so late that the day was over, wonder if I can hide in here all day, wonder if I should say I feel sick that'd probably work, maybe not though cause I was fine last night. Can't believe it got back here on Wednesday arvo now it's Monday morning. How come the holidays go so bloody fast only seems like yesterday that I was going over to grandpa's now it's all over, not fair not a bit fair, was so so good over there selling papers, mucking about with Gary and Tony no-one like them here, Peter Waite and his brothers, coupla others, seeing Boss at the shop it was just all great now what, nothing. I haven't even got any money and mum and dad made me put $3.50 into a tin money box let me keep 0.30 cents, that's all I have. I know nothing about what they were saying when they said you have to save up for a rainy day, why if I lived over at Caulfield and could earn money all the time, no need to save who cares about rainy days not me. No chance of working around here not enough shops or people, no trams like Caulfield, lots of cars and people there, wouldn't matter if there was cause I know dad wouldn't let me anyway he'd just go on and on about bloody schoolwork. Really wonder why now cause grandpa is dad's father I think yeah cause mum's mum and dad live in South Melbourne, grandpa hardly said a thing about school to me cept when he said good to see my books out or something like that. He never ever asked me was I using them, it was like it was no big deal at all, wonder why dad goes on the way he does like school is the only thing in life. Gren get out of bed right now I've had enough of this you can just go to bed earlier if you're so tired after your holidays, couple of early nights might be just the thing, ok mum getting up right now I'm not tired I was just thinking about things, stop talking and get dressed you're going to be late if you don't hurry, ok. Shit don't want her thinking I'm tired better get dressed and get down there for breakfast then get out real quick, plenty of time really it's only 1/4 to 8.

Right now have you got all your books, yeah mum, here take your lunch you haven't got that, thanks, you sure you've got all the books you need, yeah mum I'm sure, well off you go then and no dawdling and make sure you come straight home no going off anywhere after school you hear me, ok mum see ya. I've got about a 20 minute walk, shit it's only 10 past 8 don't need to be there til 1/4 to 9, ah well I'll just walk slow no way I wanna get there early. Might just go up and check that phone box on the way, fair way from here but not that far if I go on the way to school got plenty of time anyway, so I will. Bloody phone nothing, still just what I expected but would've been really good if there was some money in it, still I've got 30 cents, that's more than I usually have anyway so it's not so bad. Good 25 to 9, less than 10 minutes from school, only just, so I've timed things really good, won't be hanging around waiting for the bell can go straight in, that'll upset the bloody ratpack no end, good!

Shit the bell must be the first one though better hurry got 5 minutes to when we have to be sitting in class ready to start, I'll make it though. Now what've I got first, Monday maths and english before recess bloody maths ah well can dump most of these books in my locker anyway, wouldn't have a clue what we did in maths last time, still I'll find out soon enough I guess. Ok close this locker reckon I've got 2 minutes plenty of time. Hey swaggy give us the old one, shit Janis and Barry standing outside the class room waiting for me, I can see Mr White writing on the board, quickly I pull 2 faces they laugh I have to get into the room quick cause if you're late Mr White pulls you up and tells you off in front of everyone. I know that doesn't bother Janis and Barry but I go all red so I sure don't what that happening, oh great they just let me go in sometimes they make me late on purpose just so they can all laugh at me going red. There's a desk 3 rows back in the middle I'll take that, I can see the rest of the ratpack in the back corner to my right, good they're the 4th and 5th rows all behind me if I don't turn around or get asked a question I'll be right. The second bell goes Mr White is still writing on the board, bloody fractions, Hey swaggy give us the old one I can hear the whispering not as loud as the chalk on the blackboard but I can hear it. Better turn and pull faces then they might let up for a while. I do it they all laugh the whole bloody five of them. Mr White finishes writing, enough, holidays are over welcome back gentlemen it's time to work. Who can tell me what the common denominator of this is, tapping the blackboard while he's speaking. No hands go up no-one knows not me certainly, he's waiting looking at everyone left and right, there's just silence, suddenly two hands go up bewdy someone knows. Eric and Neil two of the brains, figures that they'd know. He's still waiting why doesn't he ask them they know the answer for sure. Gren can you tell the class what a common denominator is, bloody hell first question of the term to me why, why, why I'm totally thrown I'm tongue tied bugger this doesn't usually happen normally ready for it my face is getting really really hot, ssssorry ssir, I don't remember, everyone's looking at me they're all laughing I can hear give us the old one on my right not looking around, enough says Mr White in a loud voice so it appears that very few of you have done any study at all over the holidays, very disappointing. Eric can you please tell the rest of the class what a common denominator is. Eric gives us all a detailed explanation, thankyou Eric, Mr White says. The rest of the class is a blur, first question me I can't believe it. Ouch they're spitting bits of paper at me through pens, take the ink bit out and just blow through it, felt that one on my neck, shit shouldn't have turned around they're all pulling faces at me why did I turn around. Got no idea what Mr White is talking about now, hope, I really really hope I just don't get another question. Ding Ding Ding, bewdy the bell thank god that's over, still can't believe it first bloody question and he has to ask me, why. Got 5 minutes to get to english, swaggy give us the old one, come on swaggy give us the old one they're all around me I pull a couple of faces they're all laughing just the ratpack this time but I'm used to that. Janis and Robert are walking backwards facing me, the others are either side of me, go all red again, swaggy that was great, give us the old one just goes on and on right til I get to the english classroom, good Mrs Murphett's sitting at her desk reading something straight in, that'll stop their fun, still got a couple of minutes til the bell though. Hello Gren how are you, good, did you enjoy the holidays, yes I did thanks, excuse me I just have to finish this, ok.

Welcome back everyone I trust you all had a nice break and are now all refreshed and eager to resume, lots of groaning going on especially from the ratpack, once again they're sitting in their usual spot in the back right hand corner as far away from Mrs Murphett as they can. She's now going on about verbs and pronouns and the correct use, no worries no-one knows much about them it's somewhat interesting though, good cause there's no way she's going to ask me a question, she hasn't asked me one all year in fact it's not very often at all that she asks anyone a direct question, usually something like can you put a certain word in a sentence and that's no trouble for me anyway cause I've always read the words already in books so I know where they go in sentences. Kids often have trouble though cause we mostly have to write them out in paragraphs and she walks around reading what we've written. Often she says wrong, incorrect usage, wrong tense, wrong spelling and other things it's good though cause she doesn't say it to me very often at all though. Bugger another bloody spitball just hit the back of my head, doesn't hurt though no way I'm turning around I know bloody well they'll all be pulling faces at me, darn annoying though, wish they'd just stop it. Pretty good in English though just the occasional spitball now and then nothing really, most of the stuff we do is writing and you're not allowed to talk while you're doing an exercise so it's really quiet, no whispering even the ratpack aren't game cause Mrs Murphett would easily hear them she has before then she gives out 500 lines of "I must not talk in class" that has to be on her desk by the next day. That's a lot of writing I've never had to do lines though thank god. Now, boys, before we finish next Monday I want you to have completed a full one page essay with the title What I did on my holiday, it has to be handed in first thing next Monday and will count towards your end of year assessment, there will be no excuses accepted, lots and lots of moaning and groaning going on kids saying a whole page how can you write that much, you're kidding you must be joking and other things, I don't really think it's a great big deal at all, I mean a page isn't that much. No I am not joking I'm very serious you will have these essays on my desk before the start of class next Monday. Ding Ding Ding well that's the finish of english. Ow, shit I've yelled out loud, what's the matter Gren what's happened, nothing Mrs Murphett I just hit my knee when I was getting up, well you better be more careful next time, yes I will, bloody ratpack all laughing one of them just stuck a pin or something maybe a biro into the back of my hand, bloody well hurts too, only a little bit of blood though so she won't notice. What's happened to your hand it's bleeding, must've hit it on the corner of the desk it's okay though doesn't hurt, you better go up to the infirmary and get a bandaid for it anyway, okay, straight away now. Bugger now I've gotta go to the infirmary for a bandaid else I'll be in trouble better than being in the playground for 15 minutes though I spose. No way am I ever telling on them though, they've told me often that if I ever dob on em they'll punch me out and they will cause they're really tough no-one but no-one ever gives the ratpack any cheek they're way too scary. Might just go and grab an apple out of my lunch feel a bit hungry only had three weet-bix for breakfast cause I wanted to get out quick. Good thing I had time to put lunch in my locker though I remember last term a couple of times I had to take it into first and second periods cause I got my timing wrong and was late, bloody ratpack took it off me both times and put it in the drinking trough then put water all over it, I just took it out and put it in the bin my sandwiches were soaked, useless they even took my apple both times and tried to bounce it, smashed it to pieces, I had to pick that up and put it in the bin too. Actually wouldn't have mattered too much today cause I've got enough money for a pie or something, still now I don't have to spend it if I don't want to, not on food anyway cause I'm hungry. Might get something at the shop on the way home don't really want them to know I've got money on me not many kids do, not much anyway.

# -6-

Almost home, Friday night at last geez that took a long time, gee I'm glad dad works in the railways cause we live in a railway house, there's thousands of others and they're all together and the best thing is that no-one else in my class lives anywhere near me, not going to see any of them again til Monday. I know the area where most of em live and it's a long way from here, no way I'm going anywhere near there. Best thing of all about this weekend is that dad went on holidays on Wednesday and tomorrow he's going to Perth for a week and a half, heard him telling mum it's a 3 day train trip to get there so it must be a long way. Whenever he has holidays, not every year for some reason maybe he doesn't get them every year, he goes on a long train trip. He gets to go for free all over Australia as far as he wants and for as long as he wants cause he's been driving trains his whole life. He just goes as a passenger though, even gets a sleeping cabin how about that, mum never goes with him though guess she's gotta stay home and mind us kids, else she would. Think he's going in the morning, hope so then I'll have no bloody reminders about schoolwork last thing I wanna think about that's for sure. Can't stop bloody thinking about it that's the problem just seem to be having these constant constant thoughts they're just non-stop the whole week it's just been shit my holiday at Caulfield seems ages ago a different world, don't know if I can keep going at this. Started first period in maths first bloody question then it was just non-stop the bloody ratpack just didn't let up don't remember it being that bad before, I guess I just was more ready for it cause it must've been cause they haven't changed. Reckon Wednesday arvo was the worst just before we went to sport, bloody Robert grabbed hold of the front of my jumper and kind of punched me in the chest kinda took me by surprise cause they don't often hit me and generally it's only if I answer back or don't give them the old one or a grunt so I know it's coming, anyway I went to take a step back but one of the others Barry I think was kneeling on the ground right behind me. I fell over backwards and Robert kept shaking my jumper, bloody well ripped it right down the front right where the dark red and yellow colours meet and about 3-4 inches more, if he had of just let go when he pushed me it would've been okay I just would've fallen backwards and we were on grass anyway so it wouldn't have hurt, but ripping my school jumper mum went absolutely crazy. Had to make up a story so I told her I'd hung my jumper up on a nail while I was playing on the oval when I was finished I grabbed it and the nail just tore it just like a knife it wasn't my fault the nail did it. Well didn't she go on and on and on about how I'm too bloody careless, don't look after anything want everything my own way I think money grows on trees, I just go to school to have a good time don't care about anything and heaps more it went on for ages. Maybe that's why I feel like I do she doesn't usually go off at me like that yeah maybe that's why. She even took my money box said I could help pay for a new jumper only got about $5.00 in it anyway, didn't ever put much in there before I came home from Caulfield, that doesn't really bother me I couldn't have spent it anyway, just the way she went off. Reckon that was worse than anything that happened at school by a long shot, no way in the whole wide world was I ever going to tell mum what really happened with my jumper. I know for sure she would've gone storming up to the school wanting to know everything, maybe even dad too. Bloody hell the ratpack would've just given it to me even worse, no-one likes a dobber, but I guess no-one likes me anyway, still least sometimes other kids look like they feel sorry for me, not that they ever say anything but I can't blame em for that cause no-one's going to give the ratpack any cheek. Reckon if I started dobbing even the other kids won't want to talk to me at all better to just say nothing I think I can put up with it. Bloody ratpack if they weren't there and I didn't pull these bloody faces and now this grunting, if none of that happened if it all just went away I reckon it'd be good, maybe even woodwork, anyway not going to happen, thank god home at last don't have to think about that for two days at least. Bugger it can't bloody well stop my thoughts, told mum I was going up to my room to do some homework, better get some books out in case she comes in. Why, why, why does everything turn to shit, sick of it sick of the whole bloody lot, the ratpack the pressure here to do well at school, being so ugly, getting called swaggy the old one the grunting pretending things don't worry me just had enough of everything and everyone. Can't believe it was so good only a week or so ago when I was at Caulfield really don't understand why things have changed around so much for me in the way I feel, don't think anything was any different really, before I went away, than what it is now maybe I just could handle it better, just seems so bad right now, like worse than it's ever been before. Doesn't really make any sense to me cause deep down I know it's the same, maybe it's cause I went and had a really good holiday the best one ever and that made me forget about what real life really is. Yeah that must be it I've totally forgotten about what things are really like, unreal go on holidays have a great time then have to go back to real life. Just gotta forget about the bloody holiday and deal with things now. Blow it too bloody hard think I'll go and have a hit on the garage door the old man's gone to Perth so I'll be right.

# -7-

What an exciting time for our Australian audience to join us it's two sets all here at Flushing Meadow semi final men's singles young Australian gun Gren DeBouverie going head to head with evergreen Jimmy Connors the current US Open Champion, I'm Tony Trabert and with me Jake Costello what do you think of the match up so far Jake, it's been a titanic battle honours with DeBouverie in the first two sets but Connors has fought back in sets 3 and 4 to level the match up. Looking forward to the last set, could go either way players just making their way out now after their 10 minute break. Both men have changed shirts and no doubt had a quick shower to freshen up for this deciding set. Now commencing their 2 minute hit up then we're ready for play in what will be the final set, the crowd quickly resuming their seats, very few seats vacant here today in fact the stadium is almost at its 9,000 capacity. Both players now practising serve almost ready for play, who do you think Tony who's going to win, you've put me really on the spot Jake I'm going to say Connors in a nailbiter. I just think he's got far more experience in this big game situation, I'm going to agree with you Tony I think DeBouverie lost his momentum by not claiming that third set he's still fiercely competitive, but perhaps nerves will get the better of him, anyway we'll see Connors about to serve the first game. Connors serves a curling first serve down the centre line DeBouverie unable to reach, perfect way for Jimmy Connors to open the fifth set with an ace. Connors serves this time and swinging one out to the back hand DeBouverie returns Connors advances and easily knocks off a backhand volley cross court for 30-love. Perfect start for Connors, another ace now 40-love, DeBouverie looking for the one out wide in the backhand court, Connors goes down the middle, sensational, ace number 3, love game to Connors he leads 1-0 in the final set. Players now changing ends it'll be DeBouverie to serve from the northern end. Double fault not the start at all that Gren was looking for. Serving wide to the backhand court straight to the left-handed Connors' forehand he slams it straight up the line went like a bullet DeBouverie had no time to reach at all , 0-30 huge chance for Connors here to break in the very first DeBouverie serve, double fault the nerves are really kicking in for the young Australian 0-40, 3 break points for Connors. DeBouverie serves Connors steps in and cracks a backhand cross-court called in must've hit the baseline that's the break 2-0 Connors and maybe the match. This big crowd has gone strangely quiet this is definitely not the opening of the fifth and deciding set they expected. Gren can you go to the shop for me okay mum, around to the shop, same deal check the phone box, nothing as usual, there you go mum, Mr Storer says hello, alright thanks, no worries. I pick up my tennis racquet and ball off the table outside, back here at Flushing Meadow it's 5-0 in the fifth set Connors has been all over DeBouverie in this set the young gun hasn't been able to find any rhythm at all while Connors has played faultless tennis. DeBouverie to serve has to hold or it's all over, serves a big one down the middle Connors returns with a big forehand DeBouverie with a half volley pick up off the baseline Connors moves in to mid court taking the ball on the rise, angling a volley wide to DeBouverie's forehand, brilliant, 0-15. DeBouverie serves to the backhand court, Connors chips a forehand return. DeBouverie slices a backhand into the corner and moves forward to the net, Connors with a topspin backhand lob, this is going to be in trouble for DeBouverie here, he retreats a couple of paces, he's launched himself vertically will you have a look at that incredible four feet straight up in the air and a perfectly put away smash. The crowd are absolutely roaring they want to see more of this, they all know DeBouverie's potential it's all been on show today but has been strangely missing up until now deep into this fifth set. Score's now at 15 all could this be the first signs of a revival I'm sure 9,000 people here and many more watching on TV particularly in Australia hope so. DeBouverie serves to the forehand court Connors returns DeBouverie volleys from mid court, sensational right in the corner where the lines meet no chance of Connors getting to it, where has this game been all set DeBouverie sure hasn't been showing it, the crowd's going berserk there's absolute pandemonium as they sense a comeback from DeBouverie. I'm getting hoarse myself what about you Tony, yes indeed it's becoming exciting a long way for DeBouverie to go but there's a definite sense of urgency in his game that hasn't been there since the third set finished. The big crowd are sensing it also and giving him lots and lots of encouragement. DeBouverie serves to the backhand court now big one straight down the middle, ace 30-15 the crowd is roaring, the umpire calls for quiet again as DeBouverie waits to serve. Connors leaning towards his right expecting a ball out wide to his backhand wow DeBouverie's banged it straight down the middle Connors just gets a racquet on it just an unreturnable serve 40-15 is this the recovery we've all hoped for? It's so noisy here at Flushing Meadow I can hardly hear myself think the atmosphere is electric, everyone's eyes are glued to the action. Gren what's all the noise about who were you talking to, oh no-one just doing a pretend commentary, well stop it it's not good for you to do that, in fact you can stop hitting on those doors now and come in and wash up for tea it'll be ready soon, okay? Bugger it I must've been almost yelling for her to hear me didn't realise I was so loud, usually just do the commentary in my head but boy it's so much more exciting out loud, have to be careful I don't play while mum's home cause now I just love that commentary makes it so much more fun, it's made me feel really, really good ha. I reckon I have to learn from this that to feel good I have to do it myself I can't rely on other people. At Caulfield being with grandpa, Gary and Tony Mrs Shields Peter Thorn and his brothers, Boss of the paper shop and a few other kids I didn't have to brag and be happy I just was all the time I took it for granted and I don't think it's meant to be like that I have to work at it all the time. Maybe that's been why this week has seemed so bad at school after coming home from Caulfield I haven't had my guard up at all really, haven't been ready when the bloody ratpack have been at me, I'm always, always ready for them when they want the old one, or when they try and cause me trouble in class but just thinking now about this last week I haven't been ready for them at all. Maybe that's what dad means when he says I don't have to join in the mucking around just have to work hard cause otherwise I'll get nowhere in life. I dunno cause I don't muck around in class or out of class but maybe it's the same whether you do it on purpose or if other kids pick on you and you let them, must be that cause everyone's gone to school all had the same thing happening so mum and dad know what goes on, still don't know just doesn't seem fair to me maybe I'm just too weak, have to try to be stronger, gonna be tough but I've put up with all their shit for a long time so I can surely keep doing it.

Bangers and mash with plenty of tomato sauce, yellow custard with coconut in it for dessert one of my favourite teas, really good. In fact thinking about things my life is really good if I didn't have to go to school it would just be great. Mum and dad are okay mum's great, dad's a lot stricter but he spends most of his time either at work or at meetings and then if he's not doing one of those he's in his study working on his railway collection, doesn't really spend any time with us kids which suits me just fine, cause the time he does spend with me is all taken up with his telling me how important it is that I do well at school, it's like nothing else matters at all just all about bloody school. Mum talks about school a bit but nowhere like what dad does and seeing as she's with us kids all the time it's hardly even noticeable when she asks me about homework or other school stuff. Much, much easier to get on with mum than dad which I guess is really lucky. Also bloody good luck the other way I spose that the old man's not around that much. Still most times when he's here things are okay he kinda stays out in his study not like he's at me every minute he's here. He's got an intercom sort of thing between his study and the kitchen and when he wants a cup of tea or something he calls up and mum takes it out, she also lets him know when lunch or tea is ready the same way so I guess things are pretty peaceful and good really, just that bloody ratpack at school that buggers everything. As far as home life goes it's good I guess I like both mum and dad are good in different ways of course, and Michelle, Isobel and Keith are fine I get on with them well, yeah, it's all pretty good really.

My Aunty Lois and Uncle George they live in Brighton that's even further away than Caulfield not much though, they're fantastic. Aunty Lois is dad's sister and she always sticks up for me cause when we go over there schoolwork always comes up in their conversation and she always says things like he'll be alright Ian (that's my father), ease off him a bit, he's not at school forever it's not the only thing in life, he's gotta have some fun too, or you're pushing him too hard and lots of other things like that, dad doesn't like it one bit I can tell and it's even worse for him cause Uncle George and mum both go along with what Aunty Lois says. We don't go over there that often, though wish we went more it's such fun Uncle George works in an Iceworks almost next door to his house, big blocks of ice in there, really cool in summer and they have big thick jackets to put on if it gets cold so it's still good. Uncle George's got a boat too, just a small one with a little motor on the back, they live quite close to the beach been out fishing a couple of times with him, that's been when grandpa's brought me over though not mum and dad. Bloody great in the boat, never ever caught a fish but Uncle George caught two both times, just great holding onto the fishing line way out in the water a long, long way from the beach. Sometimes Aunty Lois asks me how school's going, I always say okay but I wish dad wouldn't go on and on about it the way he does, she always says don't worry about him love, long as you are doing your best that's all you can do, your father's always been like that ever since I can remember. I always feel good when she says things like that cause I really am doing the best that I can or I should say that I'm doing the best that the bloody ratpack will let me do. Bugger it, didn't want to think about them at all bastards they are. God wouldn't it be great if they were all together somewhere and got hit by lightning or run over by a bus or something, wish I had a gun sometimes I know I could happily shoot them that's for sure. Boy how much better life would be if they weren't around can't even begin to imagine it, not going to happen anyway so I've just gotta put up with it, be good if it did though. Just thought of something else good, Uncle George drinks beer and I've tasted some. Dad doesn't drink alcohol neither does mum so to get a taste was fantastic, Uncle George and Aunty Lois said don't tell your father Gren when he poured me a little glass from his bottle, as if they needed to say that the absolute last thing I'd do is tell dad I'd tasted beer. Didn't really like it anyway tasted sour, nowhere near as good as coke or lemonade but it was really good to drink what grown up men drink. I know dad's not the only man who doesn't drink though cause Joe, that's Uncle George's son, doesn't either and he's really old too maybe 20 or 21, he's got two sisters Melanie and Janet I've never seen them drink beer either but maybe girls drink something else I don't know. Guess there's lots of people in the world that don't drink alcohol or smoke. I hate the smell of cigarettes really good that no-one we know at home smokes in fact the only time I smell it is when the bloody ratpack are around me, seen them smoking down the back of school behind a big wall plenty of times. Wonder the teachers don't smell it but then again they don't ever come over close to you and stay there 'less you're asking something about schoolwork and the ratpack sure never do that. I know that they drink beer and other stuff too cause they talk about it all the time. They always say things like You were so pissed to each other, dunno what pissed means but I know it doesn't sound real good whatever it is. Actually good they smoke at school cause every so often one or more of them were away for 3 days that was great, dunno why they were away for so long though, maybe they just didn't want to come back, guess they just do what they want to all the time.

Can't imagine how much trouble I'd be in if I got sent home from school, wouldn't be in trouble like I'd get a belting or anything cause even though dad always says I need a good clip over the ear he never has hit me and I don't think he would cause mum would get real mad at him I reckon. The trouble would be with dad arguing with mum it'd be bloody awful and I'd know that I'd caused it. I can't help it on report book day but there is no way I'm going to be the cause of them having an argument any other time. Just have to try and keep out of anything that's going on that could cause problems, but that's not hard anyway cause it's usually the ratpack in fact it's only the ratpack picking on me no-one else in class does and as long as I don't say anything back, just do and say what they want, it doesn't last for that long, think they get bored. Sometimes when they say give us the old one swaggy I say no, when I say no they get real upset and say What? Are you saying no to us, I always say sorry real quick and pull a face cause I know they'll hit me if I don't. I've seen them in fights often they're all real tough even tougher than kids in grades 9 and 10 and when one of them gets in a fight the others always join in so they never get hurt, everyone else does though. Just the thought of going home with a black eye or a bloody nose is so scary, I know mum would be up here at school like a shot demanding to know what's going on. Doesn't matter when they're just punching me on my arms or in the stomach, which they do often, doesn't hurt much and never ever happens when a teacher's around so as long as I don't tell on them then there's no problem. Hate it when bloody Janis punches my arm though he's got real bony hands, really hurts I don't tell him though. Got a shirt ripped in half by them earlier in the year it was after a P.E. class, lucky it wasn't a special sports shirt cause when mum asked me where it was I pretended that I'd left it on the ground and forgotten it. She didn't go that mad at me, told me I was careless and stuff but not too bad nothing like when the jumper got ripped. She made me go to the office and see if it had been handed in. That was pretty hard having to go up there and ask because I know where it was it was in a bin where I'd put it. Still I had to go and ask cause if I didn't mum could easily ring up on the phone then she'd know if I said I had but hadn't, not gonna get caught lying for nothing. Wasn't hard at all actually they just told me no shirt had been handed in and that was that, too easy really.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to wag school, I know kids do it especially the ratpack cause they talk about it often. I think they just go to each others' houses probably both their mums and dads go to work so they can get away with it easily. Mum always makes me take a note for the teacher if I'm sick and can't go to school, I'm not sick very often, I pretend to be to try to get out of going, sometimes it works not that often though. Where would I go if I did wag anyway, couldn't go home obviously and I don't know anyone or anywhere where I could spend a whole day away from school without anyone finding out and telling on me. It'd be really really good though no ratpack, no shit, wish I had somewhere to go then I'd do it, not worth doing for nothing cause the trouble I'd cause at home if I got found out wouldn't be worth it just for spending a whole day sitting under a tree or something like that. Better to just keep it as a good thought at the moment but as soon as I find something to do, or somewhere to go, I'm definitely gonna wag it, not often maybe just once a week although 2 or 3 times a week would be much better but maybe that's a bit much I don't want to get caught. Yeah once a week would be fine I reckon cause you don't have to take a note, just that mum always makes me, so if I just wagged one day a week I wouldn't even be missed the teachers wouldn't remember the last week so it'd be fine, ar well it's still a bloody good thought.

# -8-

Sick and tired, no really pissed off with being called swaggy, even more so now that mum knows and I've had to lie about how it happened. Didn't seem to matter so much when it was only at school but now mum wants to know all about it, she even thinks it's good to have a nickname, she told dad almost as soon as we got home like she was proud of me or something, why why why did we have to be on that bus to town, couldn't believe it when Neil got on, he's one of the brains in my class, just walked past and said gidday swaggy I said hi and then mum really started on about why swaggy. I mean Neil didn't do anything wrong no-one calls me Gren at school 'cept the teachers everyone else calls me swaggy so it was no different from always for me I'm used to it, but mum she's never heard of it before and she was so interested to hear all about why I had this nickname. I told her it was just something other kids had dreamt up but that wasn't nearly good enough, she said I must know and if I didn't tell her she'd go to the school and find out for herself. As if I'm going to let that happen, if I can help it, I told her about another kid with the nickname Choco, that I've mentioned at home a couple of times. Whenever I say Choco she says why do you call him that, and I usually say cause everyone does. So I said to mum you know the nickname Choco, his real name is Brian Ogilvie from Ogilvie we get Ovaltine from Ovaltine we get chocolate and from chocolate we get Choco. She thought that explanation was stupid, so stupid in fact that she lost interest in finding out about swaggy. That was real good, I thought it was a pretty good explanation all totally made up of course I have no idea why they call him choco but by being able to say to mum we this and we that kind of makes me look like I'm a part of things and I know she likes to hear things like that. Maybe cause I never complain about anyone at school, she thinks they are all my friends, as if.

Never ever forget that day early this year doing a class in history Mr Ralfe was teaching us some Australian history and stuff to do with the great depression when no-one had any money, there were no jobs and it was real hard for people to buy food to eat, they even needed food stamps. In the textbook we were using there was a photograph of what Mr Ralfe called a swagman carrying a stick with a cloth bundle of clothes and stuff tied to one end over his shoulder. These swagmen Mr Ralfe said wandered from place to place just doing odd jobs, for a handout of food and sometimes to be able to sleep in a shed or something. They were just people who had no way of being able to feed or clothe themselves and all they could do was walk from farm to farm and beg for work. Didn't sound real good at all I'm sure no-one liked the idea of being a swagman. Trouble for me was that day for some reason I had one of my grandfather's cardigans on, not my school jumper, I really liked that cardigan too so I was happy to wear it, but it was nearly exactly the same colour and style cardigan that the bloody swagman was wearing. The bloody ratpack were on it straight away, we've got a swagman in here sir, DeBouverie's got the swaggy's jumper on, hey swaggy and they just went on and on til Mr Ralfe said Enough. It was only enough however til after class then it was swaggy this, swaggy that, give us the old one swaggy, do a grunt swaggy, you really are a swaggy we've all seen it now. They just went on and on and on about how hopeless and useless I was, how ugly and good for nothing I was, stuff they'd been on and on about for a long time anyway, but now it was like it seemed that everything they were saying, they thought it was true cause of that stupid picture in the textbook and the bloody cardigan I was wearing, why did I have to wear it on that day why, still things like that seem to happen to me all the time obviously my life is not meant to be really happy at all, I've just got to try and put up with things the best way I can and for me that is by dealing with them myself not involving teachers, parents or anyone else just me, I have to do it everyone has to go through it themselves.

It's a real bitch though cause every second Friday it's plainclothes day, no uniform and no matter what I wear the ratpack tell me it's typical swaggy stuff doesn't really bother me that much cause I don't mind the clothes that mum buys me I reckon they're okay and I just know that it wouldn't matter what I had on they'd be just the same asking me if it came from Vinnies or something like that. They even do it with my school uniform, tell me my trousers are short longs or long shorts and my shoes are rubbish, get that sort of stuff all the time it just seems to hurt more now with this swaggy thing. Think it's more to do with what my father says about getting nowhere in life if you don't do well at school, quite often now I think that I'm going to be a swaggy when I grow up but I know I can't be cause there's no depression going on, if there was it'd be ok least I'd know but the way things are now I just don't know. Still really doesn't worry me at all the future, too hard just getting through a day or a whole week no time to even think about it with any luck I'll be dead anyway so it won't be a problem at all.

Just really, really annoying that mum's found out about the swaggy thing and much worse cause she seems to think it's real good to have a nickname even asked me if I'd helped choose the name swaggy even worse she called me swaggy, only twice that night though thank god, I mean what can I do, nothing, I'm just a kid can't tell her I don't like it, she'll want to know why and if I tell her she'll go storming up to the school and that'll just make more trouble for me after she's gone, I have to go there every bloody day she doesn't, I have to take care of things myself. If I even try to wear a dirty shirt to school or don't clean my shoes every night I get in trouble and have to fix whatever's wrong before I leave, so if I told her that the other kids, I mean the ratpack, said I dressed like someone who lived at Vinnies she'd be really mad and be straight up to the school and into Mr Prendegast's office, he's the headmaster I have nothing to do with him at all, and I want to keep it that way.

God the whole thing, now mum knows about swaggy, it just feels so much worse, it was ok when it was only at school, I mean school is that bloody bad anyway but at least all the shit that happens at school stays there when I leave, except for report book day, now this bloody swaggy thing has followed me home, shit, hope to god she loses interest in it real quick, dunno if I can stand it here as well as school. Even though it's probably only a little thing and doesn't bother me cause I'm so used to swaggy at school it makes it like home is becoming the same as school in a little way and I don't like it one bit. Still, least she didn't call me swaggy when someone else in the family could hear so apart from dad who knows least my sisters and brother don't so I guess it's not that bad. God why couldn't my grandfather be much bigger than me then none of this would've happened, none of it, not my fault but then again things just seem to happen in a bad way nothing that's good ever lasts very long for me, just the way it is I spose, something I'll have to get used to for the rest of my life I guess maybe with any luck that won't be too long.

Think I'm just feeling sorry for myself blaming my grandfather for the swaggy nickname doesn't really matter a jot I guess it's just a word maybe I'm making something of it that's not there, I mean I can't be a swaggy forever I know that, think sometimes when I wear something to school and I think it's really cool, like a new shirt and the ratpack tell me it's real swagman clothes I let myself get hurt too easy in my mind, still can't help it nothing else I can do just have to put up with it as best I can.

Reckon the old one causes all my problems anyway I just can't bloody well stop it can't help myself just happens all the time all the bloody time. Mum and dad call it a habit they're always saying Gren stop that habit or cut out that habit or sometimes dad says knock that bloody habit off fella, I don't know what a habit is but if it's something you can stop just by wanting to then the old one is no habit cause I just have no control over it, it just happens automatically, don't even have to think about it, if I do think about it it's ten times worse cause then it's just so hard to not pull a face cause I seem to have to so badly cause the only thought I have is to pull a face and until I've done that I can't do or think about anything else. Just seems to feel really, really comfortable to pull my lips back kinda like lubra lips I reckon and I can't stop myself doing it. Sometimes my top lip hurts from rolling back against my nose but even when that happens I don't stop. The only times that happens is when I pull lots and lots of faces when I'm by myself all in a row to try to make myself stop, never works, just makes my top lip sore still I'll keep trying. I wonder sometimes when mum and dad say stop that habit whether other people, kids anyway, pull faces and it's like a habit whatever that is, dunno if everyone else can just stop it why can't I. Just something else I guess that isn't fair and I just have to put up with it. Bloody hard though especially with the ratpack, I guess I don't mind their asking me for the old one I mean I'm so used to it but it's when they laugh and push me around and do other stuff that it's real annoying. Most times if they say give us the old one swaggy I have to do it 3 or 4 times then I'm thinking about it so I have to do it a lot more, I try and put my hand over my mouth so no-one else will see, or turn away from people most times that seems to work but I dunno I mean the only ones that go on about it are the ratpack anyway no other kids ask me for the old one so I don't know whether the other kids notice or not.

Probably they do and I reckon they might feel sorry for me, or maybe glad that the ratpack pick on me all the time and not them, yeah that might be it. I reckon the bloody ratpack would have to pick on someone so if it wasn't me it would be one of them and so they're really glad I reckon that it's me, I'm not but that doesn't matter cause that's the way it is for me. Wonder if they had habits like mine and they just stopped, maybe, boy wouldn't that be great, wouldn't matter now anyway even if I could stop pulling these bloody faces the ratpack wouldn't let up they have too much fun telling me to do it. No way could I stop anyway so it doesn't really matter a jot.

Bloody grunting, don't know how that started, not so long ago either I can seem to stop that if I try really hard not for long though maybe 5-10 minutes, just a noise I make deep down in my throat. Sometimes I cough or try and cough at the same time to cover it up but I never can can't seem to do both at once. If it's really quiet in class I cannot grunt so I can stop myself cause it's too loud, maybe that's what a habit is when you can stop doing it but I think mum and dad mean stop it altogether and I don't think, in fact I know, I could never ever stop even the grunting for more than a little while let alone the faces which I can't stop at all. Maybe the facepulling was a habit when I first started, just like the grunting and I could stop it, I don't know I don't even remember when I started I know it wasn't at State School so it must've been at Tuttanham Tech sometime. Wish I had have stopped when it was just a habit maybe I could've, now it's been going on for so long I've got no chance of stopping, no chance of going back and fixing things up, just gotta put up with it, same answer as everything else I guess, spose I'll always do it.

Still I reckon as long as I don't dob the ratpack in, things will stay pretty much the same and as long as I know that the other kids feel sorry for me sometimes, they must I know, and also probably very grateful that they aren't picked on because I'm here. Fat chance of me dobbing anyone else in I mean I know everything I get I deserve, what with the bloody face pulling, grunting, looking like a real swagman but I can't help it I can't help any of it, I don't do things on purpose to entertain people I don't enjoy it one bit when they laugh at me cause of faces or my clothes, all I can do is try and not think about it too much, problem is that most times I can but sometimes like now it's so hard to stop the thoughts.

Bugger it sick of this constant bloody thinking I'll grab a book, Mice and Men, really love reading, don't think when I read and books are really interesting at least novels are, textbooks sure as hell aren't. When I'm reading it's like I can actually go into the story be there where they are not here where I am, it's really good. Dad bought these two sets of books the Famous Five and the Secret Seven about a year and a half ago, there's about ten books in each set I've read them all at least three times over but it doesn't seem to matter, still good, still makes me feel better inside after I've been reading. This Mice and Men book is a bit harder to read but it's still ok. Every so often there's a word that I don't know but I always look it up in the dictionary that's easy, slows my reading down but that sort of thing is handy to know especially in English class. I like looking the words up in the dictionary it kinda makes me feel like I've done something that's good, don't know why but it does. Funny thing with reading mum and dad don't seem to mind if I'm sitting reading a book like if I'm watching TV dad mostly will say things like "haven't you got anything better to do" or something like that. When I'm reading a book he rarely says anything to me, doesn't seem to matter what book, funny that. It's a good way of not talking too if I've got a book open no-one asks me what I'm doing and I don't have to make anything up cause they just think I'm reading, most times I am but sometimes not very often though I just don't want to talk to anyone.

# -9-

Might go and check out that choir thing I saw on the board, think Prendergast (the headmaster) was talking about it at assembly a week or so ago not that I was listening that much. These bloody free periods are a joke, only a few kids ever stay in the classroom and study and boy do they study, the rest of us head out into the grounds to just hang out and talk. Only thing free about it is the free hit on me, bloody ratpack and some of the others join in all about give us the old one swaggy, fancy being named DeSkinkaroy or DePongaroy, boy you really are ugly, why don't you walk backwards, lots and lots of things like that. Talk about a free hit, no teachers in sight just grin and bear it. Certainly not going to say anything back some of that bloody ratpack are just itching to snot me I can tell that. Get a blood nose or black eye or worse and mum and dad will fly right off the handle, demand to know what's going on here, no way I'm having that easier far easier to just put up with it. Go to choir see what it's about, can't be any worse, down to the music room Mrs Murphett the music teacher's there, as far as I can tell there's about 20 other kids some even from grade 9, incredible. Recognise most of them, real nerdy looking lot, no-one from my class here, good, these must be the kids that get picked on from other classes has to be, why else would they be at bloody choir practice. Hello Gren, hello Mrs Murphett, are you joining the choir, yes if I can, delighted to have you have you ever sung before, no I haven't but I'd like to try. Okay if you just take a seat back there I'll fit you in after we complete this exercise. Sitting down I'm thinking bloody marvelous absolutely fantastic, I just said I'd like to try and no-one but no-one said or did anything, no smirking nudging pulling faces nothing, I can't believe it. I know it's true for a fact cause I was watching them while I spoke, still can't believe it though. Unbelievable sitting there watching them singing no-one interested in me, no funny looks no faces or noises, nothing, they're just singing it sounds pretty good to me too, brother how good is this to be in here better than outside. Now Gren, Mrs Murphett's voice, I'll get you to stand in here between Barry and Steven ok, two really gawky kids from form 3, guess we're the same height so that's why she's put me here. Now boys we're going to do Onward Christian Soldiers you'll find it on page 7 of your songbook, Ian will you pass this to Gren, here Gren, thanks, can't believe it he called me Gren no-one but no-one 'cept the teachers call me Gren usually shithead, DeStinkerie, DePongerie, Swaggy anything but anything but never ever Gren. Can't even remember when some kid at school called me Gren, unbelievable just unbelievable. I feel really really good right now, really good. So Onward Christian Soldiers, Marching On To War, I'm singing and really really enjoying it no faces, no grunts, just fantastic should've been here a week ago this is so great. Do a couple more songs and Mrs Murphett says that's enough for today see you next week. She asks another kid Joe, weedy looking kid from another grade 8 (there's 4 of them, grade 8 classes) to collect the songbooks, I hand him mine, thanks Gren, good to see you here, yeah I say. I'm absolutely positively bloody reeling now, again I've been called Gren, just doesn't happen but twice in what, 15-20 minutes, cause I got there late, what a shock what a shock won't be bloody late next time that's for sure. No ratpack no bullying why can't we have choir every day all the time, surely. Mrs Murphett knows the only reason all these nerdy looking kids go is so they won't get shit put on them all the time couldn't be any other reason, who really likes bloody singing anyway, no-one I reckon. But just to be there with no-one no-one at all picking on ya, making fun of me, nothing, bloody fantastic and getting called Gren instead of swaggy, DeStinkerie, shithead, dickhead what a bonus, what a bloody bonus. Don't like this, don't like this at all, 4th choir practice and Mrs Murphett has told us that we're going to go into some sort of choir contest. She called it an Eisteddfod or something like that. Anyway she's got us singing White Christmas, normally we stand close behind the boys in front, there's 3 lines 2 of 7 and 1 of 6. Now she's told us to leave more than one arm's length between us and she's walking up and down listening to everyone sing. Trouble is she's been standing looking at me for a long long time far longer than the others, phew she's moved on, but I still don't like it, don't like it at all, why was she listening to me for so long, why. I know I had the words right, know for sure, so why was she there right in front of me, why. Okay boys that's enough for today, Gren could you collect the songbooks please, why I'm thinking why I never have, must be a reason, the other kids hand me their books, I don't really enjoy it, taking them off them, I should but I don't something just not right. Gren could I have a word to you Mrs Murphett says, sure I say just knowing she's going to say to me sorry you're just too ugly to be in the choir, can't blame her cause it's true still it's been fun coming here. Gren your voice is far deeper than Barry and Steve it just doesn't work with you singing there in that spot and I have nowhere else to put you I'm sorry, you mean I have to leave the choir, I'm very sorry but your voice it just won't fit, aw ok I'm sorry, no don't be sorry it's been marvellous that you came and tried out, so few boys have bothered to even try. Would it be alright if I came along next week, not to sing I mean cause I know I'm no good but I could hand out songbooks, maybe help you moving desks that sort of stuff, Gren that would be an enormous help thankyou and I'd definitely need you at the Eisteddfod too, so much to do I really appreciate you offering your help, like to do it ok I'll see you next week, thankyou goodbye. Wow can't sing but I can still go, great don't know about the can't sing bit we sound all the same and both Barry and Steve are a year older than me how come my voice is deeper than theirs. Thought your voice got that deepness the older you got, sure I read it somewhere. No matter I can still go to choir, don't like the singing bit that much anyway but I love it that no-one there makes fun or bullies anyone else, just fantastic.

It's like being at a different school or even being in a different world even though the classroom is in Tuttanham Tech when I'm inside the classroom with the other kids it's so good, fantastic in fact nothing like I've ever had just like it used to be at Tuttanham State School I reckon. Almost forgotten how good things were then, seems so long ago now but this choir thing is like it used to be I'm sure of it. At last there's something good about this school about time too this choir practice goes for another month til the Eisteddfod so if I can keep coming here once a week then that's real good. Maybe even it might be twice a week if they need more singing practice, hope they do.

# -10-

Same old shit, nowhere to run nowhere to hide, every single bloody day it's like getting into a fish bowl, nowhere to go just goes on and on and on. This whole bloody school thing, tired of it really tired of it. It's like I'm only here because everyone else wants me to be I sure don't but that doesn't matter when you're a kid you have to do what you're told. Mum and dad, dad especially, want me to be here, my aunties and uncles and my grandfather always ask me how's school why why why is it so bloody important to everyone else. I know the bloody ratpack want me to be there gives them something to do and have a laugh all the time, seems I'm the only one who hates it, wonder sometimes if there's something wrong with me just doesn't seem fair that I have to put up with everything going on just for the sake of others.

Sometimes, not very often, I wonder if I should tell maybe aunty Lois what school is really like, certainly not telling mum and dad or anyone else, but I'm sure she'd just say well that's what school is like, it was like that when I went to school the other kids are just having fun, you just have to get on with it and try to get along best you can love. Yeah I know that's what she'd say cause she's real nice to me, she wouldn't go mad like dad would, but cause I know what she'd say I'm never ever going to tell what it's really like anyway. Dad's always going on about standing up for yourself and stuff like that, yeah as if against the ratpack, I don't think so. Reckon he'd shit himself if I'd told him the ratpack were going to come around to our house and take out everyone if I ever dobbed on them. They would too that's for sure he probably wouldn't be home anyway be at a stupid meeting or something, anyway even if he was there's 5 of them they could easily belt him up real good then there's only mum and my sisters and Keith and me, there's no way in the world that's happening, not so worried about him but sure am about my mum and Michelle, Isobel and Keith.

Better, much better just to leave things as they are anyway seeing as everything is totally normal anyway no point thinking that anything's not right cause this is the way it's always been for ever and ever just have to go through with it everyone does. Seems a bit stupid though, maybe I'm just seeing it wrong cause I'm only a kid, but when people are asking me how you going how's school and that sort of stuff and I say okay that they just believe me, they must know seeing as they've been through it. Reckon that must be a big part of life telling white lies if you say something then people believe you, I don't really reckon they do but maybe it's just a way of me having to learn to solve my own problems. My teachers at school, quite often maybe once a week, ask me how I'm going is everything ok, Mr Zieling doesn't, he just sends me out of the class which is bloody good. I always say ok to them and that seems to work, but I reckon if they thought everything was ok then why do they keep asking me, maybe they ask everyone, I dunno. They must know for sure that's not true cause they have to hear the ratpack sometimes I reckon, it goes on every single day so how could they miss it. Sometimes I wish they would tell the bloody ratpack to let up on me without me having to dob on them, hasn't happened yet but it might one day maybe. Then again the ratpack are pretty bloody smart they know how to do and say things when teachers don't know even if they're in the classroom. Can't blame the teachers at all, just the ratpack are too clever for them to get caught really. They're the same as everyone else really cause if they ask me for the old one and I say no they get mad if I say sorry real quick I think they believe I am sorry then if I pull a couple of faces real quick or do a grunt if they want that then they're happy and start laughing then everything's ok for a while. So it just keeps going round and round seems everyone in the world is happy I'm at school except me, I really feel like giving up often, very often.

Guess it's easier for me to handle than it would be for anyone else cause I really know I deserve it, I know I'm so ugly, I pull these bloody faces all the time, I grunt like a pig I've got no friends I'm gonna be a total no-hoper when I grow up so of course I am now probably other things too but that's sure enough I really and truly deserve everything I get. In fact now I really think about it I probably deserve a lot more than what I do get so in a funny kinda way I'm probably lucky, huh, never ever thought of it like that before don't think I will again either. Cause I just expect all the shit to happen every day and it does it's not that bad I'm so used to it, that it's a totally normal thing nothing new just the same old things repeating. It's far more surprising to me if the ratpack go for more than half a day without having a go at me not very often they go that long though, still surprising and good when they do.

Least it makes me feel part of the class with the others I mean not the ratpack I can laugh when they laugh talk with them sometimes mostly bitch about schoolwork which is another lie cause I really don't mind it, reckon they all know I could dob real easy but because I don't they respect that and let me talk to them, can't think of any other reason they would otherwise. Can't quite get in fact can't get at all what dad means when he says "you aren't at school to entertain others" that's obviously the only thing I'm here for, everyone in class sometimes gets a laugh when I go red or the ratpack get me in trouble, the whole lot of them laugh I mostly finish up laughing too cause if I didn't laugh I know for sure sometimes I'd cry cause I can feel it in my eyes and that would be bloody far worse can't imagine what the ratpack would say if I ever cried at school, don't wanna think about it. I really think that the only reason I'm at this bloody school is totally for the benefit of others every single person other than me wants me here still I guess I don't count anyway cause I'm too young to know. I'm sure that's what my parents and other grown ups think and I'm buggered if I'm going to tell anyone any different I'll just put up with it. Anyway why should I have to tell anyone they all know what goes on anyway, they're all just like me, we're all the same you've gotta just pretend everything's ok. Yeah that sounds pretty good if I just keep pretending things will be the same and I can keep putting up with it I hope.

Good thing I know for sure is that things can't get any worse, couldn't possibly happen it's that bad now that it really wouldn't matter what else the ratpack did to me I wouldn't feel much different. Don't actually know what else they could do, they can bash me in the face or anything like that cause they'd know that then other people would find out what happened then they'd be in big trouble.

Just thinking about getting bashed up makes me realise that I'm actually very lucky about where I live, fancy that I'm really in a good situation, not all bad, could be much worse lucky, lucky, lucky that dad works in the railways and we live in a railway house cause it's a long way from where the ratpack hang out after school at least a mile. I know for a fact that the only reason they don't bash me in the face is cause they're worried about what the teachers would do to them, I've heard them tell me that and also talk to each other about it, "long as we don't leave marks on him then it's no problem, cause he's never going to dob no way". They're dead right I'm never going to dob I can't now, it's been going on too long, forever in fact, can't do anything about it now just gotta put up with it. Still not going anywhere near them outside of school though they'd do anything and everything to me I know they'd just love to really bash me and hurt me and with no teachers to worry about they sure would there'd be no-one to stop them.

Pritchard Avenue shops that's where they hang out I've been past them in dad's car, only once, but even then I saw Janis smoking boy it looks like a real tough place. Not like the shops around the corner from my place, they're new and look pretty good, those Pritchard Avenue shops are really really old and the houses all around something about them I don't really know what just something I heard dad say, something like housing commission don't know what that means and I sure wasn't going to ask cause I really don't want to know I'm just really, really pleased that we don't live anywhere near it. I saw the laneway that the ratpack always talk about right in the middle of the shops, looked really long and dark cause it's got a roof on it. That's the place they talk of where they all hang out with their older brothers and smoke and get pissed on beer and other drink too. Not only cigarettes they smoke either, heard them talking about dope too, something called getting stoned or off your face whatever that means. The way they talk about both the drinking and getting stoned makes it sound pretty good, not that I'd ever say so and I'd never ever do either be way too scared of what might happen to me if I did and that's without what mum and especially dad would say or do. Don't even know what dope looks like, must be like cigarettes I reckon cause otherwise how would they be able to smoke it, anyway don't really care, know about the beer, from Uncle George's place, don't know how even the ratpack can stand the taste of it though I reckon it tastes bloody awful, must be if you put up with the bad taste and get pissed it's real good, buggered if I'm doing that, give me a coke any day.

# -11-

what a great book this is just found it in the library in the lounge "For the Term of His Natural Life" geez it was hard back then, getting transported out to Australia for very little crimes like stealing bread, I mean that's nothing, then they have really nowhere to live the convicts have to build shelters, not much food really they've got nothing, I mean have nothing yet they still had to get on with it and do what they were told, crikey I'm bloody glad I wasn't there would've been bloody horrible, how could they Gren, yeah mum, come down here I want to talk to you, ok, bugger that was a good read. Aw well better go down to the kitchen and see what she wants, Yeah mum, Gren we've made an appointment for you at the doctors, what for I'm not sick, no not that sort of doctor this is a doctor who helps with whatever problems you might have, I don't have any problems that I need a doctor for what's he called this doctor, a psychiatrist he can fix whatever's wrong inside people's heads. There's nothing wrong inside my head it feels fine really good in fact, same as everyone else I don't even get headaches. Gren I'm not asking you if you want to go, I'm telling you you're going, both your father and I have decided if you want to argue the toss you can argue with him not me. Ok I'll give you a note for school so don't worry about that, where is this doctor, in the city in Collins Street, ok can I go up to my room and read, yes away you go.

Wish I could read was fine 10 minutes ago great book now just don't want to pick it up just want to lay on my bed and think always bloody happens to me soon as something good is happening it all turns to shit real quick sick of it really pissed off, a bloody psychiatrist I've seen them on TV shows, I know they're called shrinks, I also know that only people who are mad go to see them. Why me I'm not mad I know that for sure if I was the ratpack would've been going on and on about it, I know things, like the answers to questions in class even though I don't put my hand up, I still know and sometimes no-one else does. The people I see on television that are seeing shrinks are totally wacko really really far gone, not a bit like me, I'm the same as everyone else. Shit, shit, shit, maybe these shrinks can see inside your head see what you're thinking for real that'd be bloody disastrous cause for sure he'd tell mum and dad everything that he found out about me then they'd know for sure that I'd been lying about school can't have that happen, have to think have to work out a plan.

Maybe it's the old one and the grunting, yeah maybe though that's not in my head it's on my face, god I dunno, gonna go bloody crazy trying to figure out why me though. Don't want to think about it but I can't stop not fair got the bloody ratpack all day at school now I've got mum and dad at home thinking that I'm crazy mad and lunatic they must otherwise why the shrink, be far far better off if I was dead, dunno why I keep putting it off, should just do it and get it over and done with. How bloody good would it be, everything would stop no ratpack no shrink no shit at all just sleep and peace, I seriously need to do it just thinking about it makes me feel so good just knowing that I can stop everything instantly all my troubles gone boy what a thought fantastic just thinking that everything can be fixed up perfectly by myself really makes me feel better not even that bothered about the shrink right now feel pretty good actually. Doesn't matter a toss really about the shrink, no matter what happens, whatever he tells mum and dad about me I know I can fix everything up really easy, just gotta work out how.

Why bloody Wednesday anyway, that's choir day, best day of the week for me, typical if something good happens for me it always goes bad always why, why is that. Still it's always the same so it's no real surprise maybe I'm just one of those people in life that nothing good ever lasts long always goes bad. Yeah I reckon there'd be plenty of people like that, things can't go right and stay right for everyone always, that's for sure. Hey maybe I can wear my floppy hat when I go to the shrink he wouldn't be able to see into my head then, no won't be able to do that cause mum will be there for sure and no way she'll let me wear a hat inside, no way. Aw we'll see what happens I guess, one thing's for sure seeing him won't be nearly as bad as the ratpack not by a long shot, no matter what he says. Gawd I don't even want to think about the bloody ratpack, got em all day tomorrow as it is in fact got em forever typical of my luck.

Gren time to get up for school, yeah ok, not another day in that shithole why can't I just lie here nice and sleepy very comfy, Gren are you getting up, yeah mum, so comfortable here so cosy so good just don't want to bloody get up and go to school no way want to stay here in bed forever, boy how good would that be to be able to sleep forever!!! Gren are you up, shit fell asleep, yeah mum just coming, well hurry up you're going to be late for school. Bewdy from the bed to the kitchen table in a minute and a half, about time, sorry mum I dawdled a bit, don't talk just get your breakfast, ok, right you finished get your bag take your lunch, this one and off you go don't be late you've got enough time, ok see you mum.

Plenty of time, bloody miles of it, might check that phone box on the way, what's first up, they're always changing the bloody timetable, woodwork, well shit to that. Bloody phone, nothing, why the hell can't people leave some money lying around everyone cept me has plenty. Aw well, would've been a real surprise to find any so no real matter. Now just need to get my timing spot on, got 12 minutes til the bell so I certainly don't need to hurry too much no way I'm going to get there early.

Morning class, Mr Zieling, you may proceed in an orderly manner to the cupboard, retrieve your work then continue. Geez I hope I don't gotta stay in here, usually he says DeBouverie out you go or DeBouverie and points to the door, the other kids always laugh and he always yells enough, it's always the same I don't mind I really don't just real good to not have to do the work cause I'm so bad at making things, maybe today I have to, shit damn, damn, damn. Lots of talking and pushing and shoving as the rest of the class get out what they're working on. It's a box with a lid. I haven't even started on one in fact I didn't even get near finishing my bloody pencil but now some kids have nearly finished these boxes, don't know how they do it buggered if I do. Hope my pencil bats still in there otherwise I'll have nothing to work on. Stupid bloody thing bit of wood with sandpaper stuck on it got these curly bits on both ends though, I can't get them right everyone else finished them in 2 lessons I've been on mine nearly all year, haven't touched it for ages though usually not in here, thank christ.

Gren, yes sir, you can go out if you want to or you can sit in my office and read or something if you like, thankyou sir I might go out cause I didn't bring any books, very well. Wow fantastic I don't have to think about that bloody pencil bat and that was really good he didn't say DeBouverie out, in front of everyone, he must be in a good mood well that's really great for me. Peace and quiet no bloody ratpack for the next 40 minutes how good is this. English next too, so I won't have any great problem there either, so quiet they can't get away with much at all.

Wonder if I'll have to lie on a couch when I see the shrink, whenever I've seen 'em on TV the people are always lying down probably they can get a real good look inside your head when you're lying down, I'm going to sit up not lie down, no way that's for sure. Good to just sit out here and think not have to worry about anyone else they're all in class for the next half hour or so. That was really good of Mr Zieling to offer me his office to sit in, he hasn't done that for ages, made me feel real good, makes me feel like I matter, don't really know why that's such a big deal but it's certainly done something to the way I feel, probably I'm just happy cause I'm out of there, yeah that's it. Geez I wish I could stop pulling these bloody faces, seems like it just happens by itself, I've no control whatsoever just like automatic if I try and stop just makes it so much worse really pisses me off. Bloody hell just thought of something, I hope mum hasn't rung up the school and told them I have to go and see a shrink, aw please no, if the ratpack ever find out about that don't know what I'll do. Wonder if it's normal to never feel good for long, guess it must be cause I never do, spose if I felt good lots of the time it wouldn't really mean much, yeah that makes sense.

Hey swaggy give us the old one, hey swaggy give us the old one, hey swaggy give us the old one, hey swaggy give us the old one, hey swaggy give us the old one swaggy you're so ugly, swaggy you're bloody useless, swaggy you're a total dickhead, swaggy give us the old one, shit Janis and his bony bloody hands hate it when he punches me. Hey swaggy give us the old one, you're a total joke swaggy you're an absolute dickhead, so it goes on and on and on. The faces I'm pulling are faces I'd be pulling anyway, maybe not as many all at once so it doesn't bother me that much still I'd rather do it when I have to and not when they make me, still that's just the way it is just gotta put up with it and really I know that when you're as ugly and as useless as I am you deserve everything you get so there's absolutely no use complaining, I'm just so used to it now that it's totally normal. Hey swaggy why don't you got proper shoes, I know why cause your bloody parents don't want to waste their money on you, you're useless, bugger it one of them has knelt down behind me and Robert pushed me in the chest now I'm on the bloody ground, they're all having a good laugh the five of them. Ow bloody Bob just threw a stone hit me on the leg, aw well that's life I guess happens every day, every recess nothing's ever different just gotta keep going. Ding Ding Ding thank god the bell time for class, bugger got a bruise on my calf, still no real worry mum won't notice so it'll be right.

You're home Gren, how was school, good mum, now you're going to the doctor's tomorrow so I want you in bed early so as you're nice and fresh to see him. Ok, have you got any homework, not much, well have something to eat then up to your room and do your study you know what your father said, ok. Bloody study as if, haven't got any homework or I know I'll read some of For The Term of His Natural Life, yeah that'll be good. 30-40 minute read that'll be the ticket, better just grab a science book out so it's handy to grab, in case mum comes up dunno if the old man's home or not car's not there but it might be in the garage so I'll definitely be keeping an ear on the back door just in case he's out in the study. Good been in here 45 minutes no dramas might go and see if I can go down to the tennis courts for a hit, mum can I go down for a hit, have you done your study, yes I've finished it, ok then be back by 6 for tea, ok, you make sure you are, I will, alright then off you go. Oh great I can hear someone playing so I'll get a hit at least pass a bit of time doing something I like doing for a change.

Wonder what time it is, what's the time Syd, 10 past 6, aw gee I've gotta go, that's ok Gren Keith's just got here he'll fill in for you, ok see you. Sorry I'm late mum I lost track of time, yes you lose track of everything don't you, especially schoolwork, lucky for you tea won't be ready til 6.30 so you've got time to have a shower and change your clothes if you're quick, ok then, only the bloody news on TV so that's no loss. Right Gren, bedtime, but mum it's only 7.30, I told you I want you in bed early tonight so you'll be wide awake for the doctor tomorrow just 10 more minutes please, no now your father will be home very soon and he won't be pleased if you're still sitting up, especially watching TV, can I read a book then, No Bed Now, ok goodnight I'll see you in the morning, goodnight.

Gren time to get up, I've let you sleep til 8 so you have to get up straight away, ok, bloody hell 8 I'm going to be late for sure aw hang on no school today I'm going to the shrink, bloody bewdy no ratpack, no shit, fantastic. Now Gren I want you to put these clothes on, mum they're my best clothes, yes put them on I want you to look nice for the doctor, ok.

Mum why isn't Gren going to school today, because he's going out with me, where's he going, I said he's going out with me Michelle, can we stay home from school and come too, no you can't Isobel, why not, because I said Michelle you two are going to school, that's not fair if he's allowed to stay home and go out we should be too, well you're bloody well not Michelle he's going to the doctor and that's that. Jeez mum don't say what sort of doctor, please don't, I'm thinking. Gren doesn't look sick, are you sick Gren, Isobel shut up eat your breakfast, you too Michelle I want no more talk, But, Enough shut up and eat all of you. Good on ya mum that's shut them up now there'll be .., is Keith going too, Isobel he's going next door now just eat no more talk.

Right off you girls go to school here take your lunches see you tonight, bye, now Gren I'll just get ready take Keith next door and we'll go, how are we getting to town, on the bus, is dad home, yes, can't he drive us, no he's busy working on his collection, ok.

# -12-

Good the bus is here straight away don't have to wait, plenty of seats too, I can sit near the window. Mum this doctor do you know him, no I don't know him, but he's a friend of one of your father's friends. I hope he's a nice man, I'm sure he will be, I'm a bit scared of what he might do, there's nothing to be worried about you've never said you were worried about going to see him, no no I'm not really worried, well that's good then he's only going to talk to you. No chance of me wearing a hat, not with my best clothes on, didn't even bother asking, wish I did though she might have said yes, very unlikely but just maybe, would've made it harder for him to see in my head. Bugger it should've asked. Mum can a psychiatrist see right into people's heads, no of course not don't be stupid all he's going to do is talk to you, ok sorry. That's alright now there's nothing to worry about. Does the bus take us all the way, no we have to get off at Collins Street and get a tram, how long will it take us to get there, about another 1/2 hour, we've got plenty of time your appointment's not til 11.00, do I have to go to school when we get home, no not today, good thanks.

Here we are in here, now up these stairs, now which way, oh, down here Gren come on keep up with me. In here now you just sit in one of those chairs and I'll go and see the lady. I thought the doctor was a man it's a lady, sure mum said He on the bus aw well don't spose it makes much difference anyway, she doesn't look that old I mean she's older than me but no way is she as old as my teachers at school. Maybe you don't gotta be real old to be a psychiatrist I dunno. We'll be going in in about 10 minutes Gren, going where, in to see the doctor, isn't she the doctor, no she's the doctor's secretary, what's that, just someone who does typing answers the phone makes appointments, lets the doctor know when we're here, aw so she's just here cause we're here, no Gren she's here cause this is her job now that's enough, ok sorry. Well this is pretty much the same as Doctor Phillips some chairs coffee table with some books on it he doesn't have a secretary though nothing to worry about I thought it would be much different for some reason.

Mrs DeBouverie and this must be Gren lovely to meet you, nice to meet you doctor says mum, I might just see you Mrs DeBouverie for a few minutes by yourself, that's fine doctor, Gren you just wait out here, ok. He didn't look any different to anyone else really way older than my teachers maybe even older than mum and dad, yeah I reckon he's older than them too for sure. They've been in there for a while, wonder what they're talking about, wish I had've asked about my hat, hey maybe I won't even have to go in maybe mum just goes in and talks and I wait out here, bloody hope so, that'd be fantastic. Not lying on the bloody couch if he's got one, not unless I have to, no way, wish I had my hat wish I ...Gren, shit, yes sir, come in, come in please. Would you like to sit there next to your mum, yes thanks, now how are you, good, good doctor, Gren, sorry mum, good doctor, that's alright Gren no need to call me doctor we can just all be nice and relaxed, just friends chatting away, ok. As if nice and relaxed, boy, this room is scary, that doctor's got a really big chair even bigger than dad's in fact way bigger, my chair's even bigger than dad's real leather too, never sat in a leather chair wonder if even dad has, maybe not. Saw the couch soon as I walked in it's bloody enormous, leather too never ever seen a couch that long Michelle and I could lay down on the ends and our feet wouldn't even be touching in the middle, no chance of me getting on that, no way. He's got a real fancy lamp on the desk and real gold pens too, boy he must be rich and his desk, wow I thought dad's desk was big but this, this is real giant sized reckon my whole family could put chairs around it and have tea, yeah easy it's bloody huge.

He's looking at me, I know cause every couple of seconds I look at him and I can see, if he's waiting for me to say something he's gonna be sorry cause I aint gonna say anything. Bugger it wanna pull the old one, gotta do it, shit he's still looking reckon he's waiting I know I'll pretend to scratch my nose, pull a face under my hand, that's better much better, huh he didn't know a thing, maybe there really is nothing to worry about after all. Mum's looking at me too, I know I can feel it, they're both looking at me boy it sure doesn't feel good not like Dr Phillips in here, not one bit.

Gren how have you been, very well thanks, do you feel a bit nervous, no, you look a bit uncomfortable would you like to lie down, no no I feel fine these chairs are fantastic, never ever sat in anything this comfortable, mum's laughing I dunno why, I didn't say anything funny. It must be good to have a day off school I'll bet, yes it is, do you like school, yes I do it's good, so you enjoy it, yes thanks. Mum's told me you have two sisters and a brother, yes, I'll bet you all get up to some mischief around the house, not really, bloody mum's laughing again, why, do you like TV, yes, what sort of things do you watch, cartoons and stuff, not the news hey, no, have you got chores to do at home Gren, yes, what sort of chores, bring in wood for the fire, take out the rubbish, just stuff like that, have you got friends that you play with after school, yes, and what's their names, Joe Barker just really him mainly we play tennis and stuff, what other stuff, cricket, football, good good. Mum says you like to read, yes, what are you reading now, a book called "For The Term Of His Natural Life', good I've read that are you enjoying it, yes I am, you're not reading that for school are you, no it's just one I got out of dad's library, oh he's got a library, just some bookshelves in the loungeroom but we call it a library, so there's lots of books, yeah. Gren don't say yeah the word is yes, sorry mum. So Gren have you got any hobbies, um not really, what does that mean, well I've sort of got a stamp album and some stamps that dad bought for me, good and you enjoy that, aw not really, mum's laughing again dunno why, dad thought it was real good but I don't like it that much not really that interested in stamps, what are you really interested in, nothing really I like reading playing tennis going to school that's about it. Do you get pocket money off mum and dad aw sometimes I don't really need money though, mum's bloody laughing again, how do you get to school do you walk, get the bus, does dad drive you, no I walk. Is there anyone you don't like, no not really, so you kind of get along with everyone, yes sort of, most of the time same as everyone else, good good. Now I've asked you lots of questions would you like to ask me any, no. Doctor, yes Mrs DeBouverie, Gren was a bit worried on the way here he thinks you can see into his head, mum... no that's ok. Gren that's a fair thought, I can't see into your head no-one can, no-one knows what goes on inside someone else's head. If I could see into your head Gren I'm sure I'd just see normal everyday stuff, it'd be the same as most other people wouldn't it, yes it would be.

Okay Gren would you like to wait outside I just want to have a quiet chat with your mum, ok. Gawd was that it, that was bloody nothing, nothing at all, easy as pie and a whole day off school, bloody bewdy should come here more often nothing to worry about, him and mum do most of the talking anyway all I do is sit out here, bloody great. Wonder how long she'll be, might have time to go for a walk, gee better not she'll bloody kill me if I'm not here when she comes out. Glad I didn't fall for his trick, to get me on the couch, no sir no way in the whole wide world was I gonna lie on that. As for that other bit about not being able to see into my head don't really believe that, he was looking at me lots and lots without saying anything, must've been seeing something, he had lots of time between questions no-one was saying anything I could feel him staring at me not speaking waiting for I don't know what anyway it's over now I've seen a psychiatrist so that's that still, wish I had a bloody hat.

Right Mrs DeBouverie we'll see you and Gren in 3 weeks. What, why I just bloody saw him why go again, what's the point, still another day off school I spose. Thankyou doctor, come on Gren time to go home. Now that wasn't too bad was it, no mum, you have to talk more Gren when you're in there with the doctor next time, why, because he wants to know what you're thinking, why's that, because Gren that's what psychiatrists do they help people with their thoughts, but my thoughts are ok, yes Gren, come on hurry up here's the tram coming. Oh good the bus is there waiting for us too, quick, hurry up.

Now Gren your father's home so when you get home you'll have to go to your room and do some study or homework or something. It's only 1.00 I spose you really could go to school but it probably doesn't matter. No I've only got choir and sport on today, aw good, so I'll get far more done at home than I would at school, thanks, very good your father will be very pleased with that. Yeah I bet he will long as I'm not doing something other than schoolwork he'll reckon it's great, think he's forgotten that bloody study timetable though, thank god for that, or didn't last long made him happy for a while that's the main thing I spose, long as others are happy everything's ok.

Strange bloody thing that it seems so important to everyone to be bloody happy and laughing and enjoying themselves all the time especially the bloody ratpack, just don't get it maybe some day I'll find someone to pick on and boss around maybe then I'll be always happy. Don't know if I want to ever find someone to boss around just to make me happy though far better I reckon just to try to get on with it yourself cause then you're not making someone else sad. Not that I'm sad, not all the time in fact not that often at all but it's not a very nice feeling but least I can take it and get on maybe someone else would be sad all the time if I did boss them around, I wouldn't like to think that cause that'd make me more sad so the whole bloody thing is just weird I reckon, better not to think about it. Might just save it til later, and ask myself about all of that sort of stuff sometime, yeah that's a good idea.

We're home Ian, mum's on the intercom, I'll be in in a couple of minutes just want to finish off here, alright I'll put the kettle on. Now you can go up and get changed Gren, then you can have something to eat if you're hungry, no I'm not hungry I'll go and change. Bugger the old man's coming in he'll no doubt want to know what went on and probly ask me if it was good and stuff like that. Well least I didn't say nothing wrong cept when I said yeah but I don't reckon that's too bad, anyway probably mum won't tell him anyway so it'll be right. Bloody sure I'm not going back down to the kitchen less I have to that's for sure. Might have a read of this book, that doctor said he'd read it, so if dad comes up and I don't hear him, and he sees me reading it instead of schoolwork I'll be able to tell him that the doctor said it's a good book to read that'll impress him. Must be a bloody old book though, cause that doctor was pretty old, so he probably read it when he was young, still it's good anyway, doesn't matter a toss how old it is.

Gren, Gren, yeah mum, can you come down here your father wants to talk to you, shit ok. Hi dad, gidday Gren how'd you like Derek, oh was that the doctor I didn't know his name, yes, he was good a nice friendly man, did he ask you some questions, yes about school about Michelle, Isobel and Keith, about sport well tennis yeah he asked me lots of questions, did you like talking to him, yeah it was ok, how did it feel to be talking about things, um it felt good real good, well done, good boy that's the answer I was looking for fella, you're going back to see him in 3 weeks mum said, aw I didn't know that, well you are you need to really get into the talk with him, tell him everything he wants to know, exactly what goes on in your head cause if there's anything wrong in there he can help fix it, yeah ok he seems pretty smart, he sure is he's had a very good education he's a very very clever man. You can learn from him you can go anywhere in this world, do anything, you can go right to the top or you can do nothing and finish up a no-hoper. It's all about what you want to achieve anyone can achieve nothing plenty of people like that in the world, but I know you're smart enough you just have to work really hard at the schoolwork, bring out your full potential and the world will be your oyster. Looks real important what Derek does, it is, it is and don't you call him Derek in there either, I won't, good yes a good education is the key to everything you don't want to be a bloody train driver like me, having to go to work all hours of the night I had to leave school and get a job, but you, you an go on to university, you can use your brains, earn big money, not have to slave away in some bloody factory earning peanuts, using your muscles, use your head boy it's the only way.

Think I'll go up and do some study dad, good that's the only way my boy, work hard and it will happen, success will be yours, takes bloody hard work but it'll all be worth it. Yeah you're right thanks dad, don't thank me you're doing it for yourself, ok, I'll just grab a couple of biscuits to take up with me. Remember fella if you've got a good job, got money you can go anywhere do anything, you'll always have friends, if you're a no-hoper you've got nothing, right dad. Bloody hell, bloody hell, bloody hell what was he on about, don't really know, I know I said the right things though cause he was real pleased. What the hell is my oyster, have no idea what that is, must be good though sounded real good the way that he said it, maybe I'll ask Derek what my oyster is, reckon he wants me to ask him questions. How can you use your head to do work, have to use your hands can't move nothing with your bloody head, that one made no sense at all. Just too easy to go along with him, say what he wants to hear, doesn't really matter a toss to me one way or the other. Not gonna change anything a jot no matter how long I stay in here, me studying ha how's that gonna have any effect on the ratpack not gonna change a bloody thing. What's he reckon, I'm just gonna say to them please stop bullying me I have to study, as if HA, HA.

Don't even feel like reading my book now bugger life's just shit, shit, shit. That other stuff he was on about University, what a joke if he reckons I'm staying in this bloody school for another 4 years he's got another thing coming. Even worse, then go to another school, which is all university would be I reckon, not a chance in hell of that happening not a bloody chance. Soon as I'm old enough to leave school I'm going don't care what he says, don't care if I can't live at home, just don't care about anything, only bloody thing I care about is getting out of that bloody school. Get away from the ratpack, get away from him yelling at mum, making her cry cause I'm no good, get away by myself no way things could be any worse no way at all just gotta be better.

God gotta stop thinking like this it's making me sad and angry at the same time, blow it wish the bloody ratpack were dead the whole bloody lot of them, wish I knew where a gun was reckon I could go up and shoot em now real easy, yeah no trouble at all. Huh now that's a good thought, feel better a bit, yeah you have to do it yourself make yourself happy no-one else will, bloody hard though getting harder all the time, now I've even got a shrink, christ unbelievable. Actually just thinking about shooting them, wouldn't want to kill em, leastways not straight away would really like to make the bastards suffer, yeah that'd be much better than straight up killing em, cause I know that when you die you don't even know it and I sure would want them to know all about it first. Maybe a shot in the arm then one in the leg reckon that'd hurt, seen people get shot on TV and they always moan and groan so that'd be really good to have the whole bloody ratpack lying around really hurting with any luck they might even cry and stuff, I doubt it though anyway bloody good thought in fact fantastic bloody thought. Gawd, not gonna happen but just thinking it could, never know, I could just happen to find a gun, boy it's a happy bloody thought, just knowing I could stop them fantastic. Really see how bloody though they are then, reckon they'd all shit themselves, yeah wouldn't be half as tough then, no way, they'd just all be lying around and screaming heaps, maybe they'd even be saying stop Gren, please stop, wow that'd be great, no way I'd be stopping not a chance, let 'em suffer.

Gren, uh gidday dad, I was just thinking about something Derek said, oh yeah what's that, this book For The Term Of His Natural Life, yeah I picked that up from a bookshop in Essendon a couple of years ago, I've only just noticed it, anyway Derek said he'd even read it and it was real good, yeah there's plenty of good material down in the library you've only got to look, lot of good reference books encyclopaedias plenty of stuff to get knowledge from, cause knowledge is the key, reckon you're right, I know I am so what're you doing now, well need to do some work on science and english got a science test coming up so wanna be ready, that's the way m'boy hard work pays off now I'm going into work got to see a couple of blokes about some railway material I may not be home when you go to bed so I'll probably see you tomorrow, ok dad see you. Well he didn't seem that interested that Derek said he'd read the same book as me thought he would be impressed, just went on about his bloody library and reference books and shit, reference books huh who the bloody hell wants to read them, no story in 'em just bloody facts and figures about what went on years ago, no interest to me none whatsoever. Anyway no matter, least he's going, where'd he say, oh yeah into work to see some blokes about railway shit, how the hell's that gonna take him all night to do that it's only 1/4 to 2 now I don't go to bed til 8.30, anyway doesn't matter at all I really don't care, better he's not here. Not nearly as hard to pretend I'm studying, when just mum's here she just lets me be, doesn't go on and on so it's all good I guess, hope he hurries up and goes, then I'll read my book for a while.

What'll I do now, oh yeah I'll start that essay on holidays, Mrs Murphett gave us an extension, needs to be in this Monday anyway so I might as well do that, better than reading some stupid bloody science textbook, need to be doing something constructive as the old man puts it in case he walks in, what a load of shit something constructive huh. Hey the car's started he must be going, bewdy, nearly finished this essay anyway might as well finish then I can tell mum that I've done what I had to do, it's over a page long so that'll be enough she'll believe me, no worries, then I can read my book and not worry about anything for a while. Geez they had it tough those convicts, bloody transported out here for nothing, pinching a bread roll to eat, nothing, then they have to live out in the open til they build something to live in they get nothing really to eat, pushed around by the guards bloody guards treat 'em like shit, they're just like the ratpack I reckon just grown up, just do it because they can, like bossing all the convicts around makes 'em feel good, really feel sorry for Rufus Dawes.

Hope he escapes and if he kills a couple of those guards that'd be even better, kill 'em all that'd be bloody fantastic. Ah, Michelle and Isobel are home must be about 1/4 past 3 think I'll go and get the ok from mum and hit the tennis courts, been up here plenty long enough. Hi Michelle hi Isobel, hi Gren, mum can I go down to the tennis courts for a while, have you done all your study, yep just finished, well I spose you've been at it long enough be home by 5.30 please, ok.

Socks, sandshoes, racquet right I'm out of here, see ya mum, bye remember 5.30, I will, bewdy some tennis gonna, Gren, Gren, shit can't even pretend I can't hear her, she knows I can, could hear her almost at the tennis courts she's that loud, have to go back, bugger it what's she want. Yeah mum, can you go to the shop for me I need some potatoes, yeah ok, take a bag to put them in and ask Mr Shorer to put them down, ok. Bloody hell if she'd have thought of that just one minute, one bloody minute later I would have been gone, wish Michelle was old enough to go to the shop always me always has to be bloody me, that's the bloody problem with being the oldest you've got to do every bloody thing, oh well I'll walk quick won't take long. Gidday Mr Shorer mum wants some potatoes, how much, um 6 that'll do. Hope that's ok don't remember her saying how many to get, still there's six of us, dad's gone out but that shouldn't matter cause potatoes don't go off, don't think they do anyway. There you go young Gren, thanks Mr Shorer mum said you can put it down, right you are see you later bye. Better check this phone while I'm here, bugger nothing as usual, what's that little brown envelope on the shelf, shit it's got money in it coins I can feel 'em, bloody hell there's bank notes inside, new ones, I can see them it's full of them shit what am I gonna do. Who's watching who's looking no-one I can see shit, shit, shit gotta get outa here, gotta go now real quick, stuff this into my back pocket and run, run fast. Bloody hell what if it falls out, have to run though, oh put my hand on my pocket, bloody potatoes real heavy got no choice, got to get outa here thank god around the corner and down a bit have to stop, running, getting puffed out, mum will want to know why, have to take it easy act like nothing wrong, that's the way have to see what I've got then work out what to do about it.

Thanks love are you alright you look a bit flushed, yeah I was just hurrying so I could get the potatoes back quick, more to the point that you could get to the tennis court quick I think anyway off you go and remember home at 5.30, ok see ya. What to do, what to do, I know I'll go down to the garage, use their toilet, I can lock the door and have a good look at what I've got, no-one else will see no-one else will know, good. Ah great no-one in the toilet good, door locked I can sit on the seat and have a look. Shit there's a few coins in here pretty heavy don't even want to look inside, just wanna sit here and hold it, just look at this little brown envelope so exciting so bloody exciting, fantastic never ever felt like this before, better than Xmas better than anything just wanna sit here let it go on forever it's bloody brilliant.

Gotta have a look inside see what's in it gotta, gotta, gotta, can't stand it wow, bloody hell a ten dollar note no shit there's two of them and a 5 dollar note and a 2 dollar note and a 1 dollar note and four 20c pieces and a 10c piece shit $28.90 what the hell am I going to do with this. A bloody fortune an absolute fortune, hey never seen these notes real close up before, seen em in school and dad showed me some but never been able to look at them for as long as I want, only changed over the money from pounds a couple of months back. Brother I can look at these for as long as I want to, no-one to say give it back, that's enough none of that stuff how bloody good is this. Bloody hell what am I gonna do with it, can't take it home that's for sure nowhere to hide it there, Keith and Isobel would find it for sure they're always looking all over the place for stuff to find even worse mum or dad might find it no not going home that's for sure. Aha that vacant block near the squash courts I'll find a place there I reckon, close to home too. Should just take it home and tell mum but then I wouldn't be able to think about it, cause she'd take it and try and find the owner for sure, alright do that in a day or two, just wanna think about it, look at it touch it don't wanna spend it, I got nothing to buy shit, just all mixed up just gotta find somewhere to hide it quick. Here this is not a bad spot, no-one can see me cause that wall goes round sorta hides me, I'll put it under this rock, not gonna forget where it is that's for sure. Ok that's done thank god for that, shit wonder what time it is, better call over to the courts and find out sposed to been there all the time anyway, no way mum will find out though, cause she doesn't know any of the people that play tennis. Oh good I'll ask this bloke, what's the time mate 5.00, thanks, good be a bit funny I reckon, going to the courts then having to leave straight away, now I know I've got 20-25 minutes to have a hit, that'll get me home by 5.30.

Gren good to see you home on time for once, yeah mum I kept an eye on it, good your tea will be ready shortly, ok. Boy not the same in this bedroom anymore nothing's the same seems like everything good, feel great even hit some really good backhands down the court, brother money sure makes a difference, just having it, no need to spend it, just to know I've got it is plenty enough. Great tea mum thanks, what sausages and potato you have that all the time what was so great about it, I don't know just tasted extra good, well you must've been hungry, yeah that must be why. I'm gonna go up to my room and read for a while is that ok, yeah that's alright put your plate on the sink, ok. Bloody hell jeez that bangers and mash tasted good way better than usual. $28.90 can't believe it 28 bloody 90, that's a perfect figure I reckon, just perfect couldn't be any better. Knew it'd pay off if I kept checking those phone boxes didn't ever ever think it'd pay off like this though. How lucky was that, that I went to the shrink on that exact day otherwise I wouldn't have even been home from school, wouldn't have been a chance of being at the shop and checking the phone, no way that money would've been there for long no chance of that. Just all like it's meant to be I reckon, sposed to make you feel better going to a shrink well it's sure worked I feel bloody great.

Wonder who left it there, must have lots of money, still I think most people especially adults do anyway so whoever it was probably hasn't even missed it. Yeah I reckon that'd be right, cause there's no way if it was mine I'd be leaving it somewhere, be way too bloody important not a chance I'd be losing money, no way. It makes sense that whoever it was has probably got that much money that it wouldn't matter, they'd just go and get some more, probably from the bank or from work or somewhere, I really dunno but that seems ok yeah I reckon that'd be the way it is. Me now that's a different story I've never, ever seen this much money all in one place, now I can see it whenever I like, touch it play with it bloody fantastic I feel like the king of the world, at last life's good, don't even care about the ratpack, everything's changed it's all different, bewdy. Might go down and see if mum will let me go out again want to go and see the money. Mum can I go out for a while, where, just out, what do you mean just out no you can't it's getting dark you can go out but not out of the yard, yeah ok. Bugger didn't think she'd let me go but it was worth a try, money should be safe no-one's going to go looking under that rock, I know no-one saw me put it there, even if anyone saw me going into that vacant area doesn't matter kids go in there all the time, nothing new, bloody big place yeah it'll be safe. Feel better about that now, bloody hell what if it rains, what if it gets wet might just go real soggy and be no good shit, shit, shit, have to do something about that, thing is what. No way I can put it inside under a roof anywhere, hey I'll get a plastic bag yeah do that on the way to school, be fine then, doesn't matter about rain cause water won't get in, great idea bloody brilliant.

Gren, Gren time to get up for school, ok bloody school who wants it, hey the money, bewdy, got a plastic bag in my schoolbag gotta fix that up on the way, need to leave plenty of time, I'll get straight up no problem then. Hi mum, well hello this is a surprise, you're up early, yeah wanted to have plenty of time, well that's good pity it doesn't happen every day, aw well. Now get your breakfast, I'm just making your lunches, ok. Mum these weet-bix sure taste good today real sweet, real nice, can I have some more weet-bix, yes alright, thanks. Hi Michelle, hi Gren have you had breakfast already, yeah, hi Isobel hi Gren you're up early, Keith Keith come down and have your breakfast please, bloody hell mum's got a loud voice. I'm going to go and get ready mum, alright tell Keith to get up and get down here, ok, aw here he is g'day Keith, g'day Gren.

Now got everything, yep, plastic bag, aha might put this tennis ball in too, gotta be a bit careful I reckon. 8.00 plenty of time, miles of it, ok mum I'm off, you're leaving early, yeah there's a cricket game on before school thought I might play, alright then, now remember straight home after school no going anywhere else, you hear, yeah ok bye. Bloody good idea I reckon this tennis ball, might look a bit strange going into the vacant lot with my schoolbag, especially with my uniform on as well, I'll start chucking this ball soon and run after it then if anyone sees me going into the vacant lot they'll see me chasing the ball and just think silly kid, nothing else, huh what do they know, nothing. Bewdy no problem, there's the rock, great not even wet not a drop, still I'll put it inside this plastic bag, great now might even put another rock over this one, there that's better, safe as houses now perfect bloody perfect. Well didn't take long, what'll I do now, not gonna bother with that phone box up there, don't have to anymore hey I might go and have a look in the shop, yeah never been in there, pass it every day on the way to school, never had a need to go in before no money, boy that's all changed and how.

Yes can I help you, um I'm just having a look, wow this has got much more stuff than the milk bar around the corner from home, miles of lollies, chocolates, ice creams anything you could want and I could buy all of it if I wanted fantastic, bloody fantastic. You have to either buy something or leave little boy, I have things to do, ok sorry sir, I'm leaving, thankyou. Brother could've stayed in there for hours, so many things so much stuff, having money sure changes everything, pity I just couldn't look for longer though wish I could've still I know what's in there now maybe next time I'll buy something, bet he'd let me look then, yeah I bet he would. What a great thought to be able to go into a shop and buy anything you want to, how good is that. Going to get to school 10 minutes early at least, don't care, don't give a toss no way even the ratpack could upset me today doesn't matter what they do I just feel bloody great and I just know it's not gonna change cause I've got that money under a rock no-one knows and the bloody ratpack don't matter anymore, just don't care about them I can happily do the old one all day, easy. Give us the old one swaggy, do a grunt swaggy, you're a dickhead swaggy, ok, ok, ok, no worries doesn't worry me at all, I've got what you haven't got nothing worries me nothing at all.

Lunchtime, think I might just go over and check out the tuckshop, see what they've got. Only ever bought my lunch once, just ordered and wrote on a bag in class, just got a pie. The queue for when you pick up ordered lunches is on the other side so I don't really know what they've got. The bloody ratpack will be there, that's for sure, probably taking other kids' things but they won't bother me they can't no way I feel great. Cripey look at those drinks, the bloody fridges are enormous, every different colour too red, green, yellow, orange even more so many flavoured milk as well boy they've got everything. Oh oh, there's the ratpack, all of them, looks like they're picking on Kevin, good maybe they won't see me, gee they've got heaps of packets of chips, quite a few lollies, ice cream heaps of it boy there's...swaggy give us the old one, ok, what're you doing here stupid, nothing just looking, give us a grunt, ha ha, jeez you're an idiot, yeah, why don't you piss off piss of quick before we give you a belting, yeah you need money to be around here and we know you've got none so you shouldn't be here should you, no sorry, here take this with you, what, this, ow ok I'm going. Bloody punched me in both arms at once one on each side, never done that before usually just one punch, two both together that really bloody hurt, still worth it though, I've seen what's in the tuckshop and boy there's sure plenty. Bloody ratpack you need money to be here, huh, money, I've got more, much more than they've ever seen I'll bet, no bloody way I'm telling them about it though, no way.

How was school Gren, good mum, good, just gonna get changed and go down and play for a while, down where, aw just down past the squash courts, well you be home by 5, ok, have you got homework to do, yeah I have but I'll get home at 4.30 I'll do it then, right make sure you are then, ok. Boy can't wait gotta go and see that money again think I'll go get it and go to the servo, can look at it real good then. Great, got it, real good place to hide it real good now for the good bit, now I can look at it, feel it, can't wait. Good no-one in the toilet, door's locked, brother look at this, all this money $10 notes even, glad it's two 10's and not one twenty, reckon two 10s is way better, got real funny lines and drawings and stuff on them never noticed that before wonder if anyone else has, probably not, people probably get that many of them and think oh well they're all the same, just money something to spend don't really look at them at all, I sure like to look though bloody great.

Really nice colours the 10s are sort of blue, the 5's a purple, the 2's a green and the 1's a brown, fantastic colours the best colours in fact that I've ever seen. Like the way the 20c pieces feel too nice and heavy not too heavy mind you just nice just perfect, the 10c piece is not that heavy though still only got one of those bet if I went and changed the $1 into 10c pieces they'd be heavy, no way I'm gonna do that though, in fact don't know what I'm gonna do, maybe better to just do nothing til I figure it out, yeah that's a good idea. Might put it back in the bag, then put it in my pocket and go for a bit of a walk, see if it feels any different. Boy this is sure bloody different alright, bloody scary, gotta keep checking my pocket make sure it doesn't fall out, what am I going to do if I lose it, nothing, not a bloody thing I could do, not sposed to even have it no way, shit gotta go and put it back under the rock, least it's safe there, don't like feeling like this, not one bit.

Boy feel better now, that's done, it's all safe back under the rock, wonder what mum would say if I told her, reckon she'd get real mad at me, tell me I should've told her straight away, yeah that's what she'd do. Not like it was my fault, I didn't steal it, I found it, haven't spent any of it, just wanna have it for a while, anyway finders keepers losers weepers that's the way it is. Probably for sure whoever left it there just went and got some more, everyone's got lots of money cept me, even kids at school go to the tuckshop every day, the bloody ratpack smoke, drink do everything now it's just like I'm the same as everyone else, cause I've got lots of money ha, that's why I feel so good, now I know how to feel good, bloody great.

Oh good you're home Gren I want you to go to the shop for me, do I have to, yes you do, ok, all I need is milk off you go and don't dawdle, ok. Bloody hell this is the one place I don't want to be going, anywhere near that phone box 'case anyone saw me, don't think they did but you never know. If anyone asks me anything just gonna say nothing not a thing. Say I know nothing about it, nothing about anything then say sorry yeah that sounds good, saying sorry. Certainly won't be checking the phone for coins, no way in the world, someone could easily be watching, in fact they probably are watching, not even going to look at the bloody phone box. Don't need any coins anyway, I've got plenty way more than I could ever need, wonder if you could even spend $28.90 in a lifetime, probably not just an absolute bloody fortune. Well that was no problem, got the milk nearly home, did a sneaky look at the phone box, never saw anyone looking and no-one said anything to me so that's real good.

Thanks love now are you going up to your room for some study, yeah mum, well tea's about an hour away so will that give you enough time, yeah plenty. As if I was going to say no, I need an hour and a half or two hours huh, no way. Oh mum is dad home, yes he's in the study do you want to see him, no just wanted to know if he's home. Shit I'll have to get some textbooks ready in case he comes in, wouldn't matter if just mum was here cause she wouldn't go mad if I was just reading and besides, she's busy getting tea but now I know the old man's here I need to be good and ready 'case he comes in. Here we go I'll copy this maths example onto my paper, leave the last bit blank, in fact I'll copy 3 or 4 of them so I can make it last for a bit, couple of minutes should be plenty I reckon, he won't stay in here with us for that long, with any luck he mightn't even come in at all, still I gotta be ready just in case.

Wish I had that bloody money with me be real good to feel it, bloody dangerous though, real dangerous to bring it anywhere near here can't imagine the amount of trouble I'd be in and boy it'd be ten times worse if the old man was here too I reckon, no, no way it's ever coming home with me not a chance in hell. Nowhere to hide it wouldn't be able to get it out and look at it whenever I want, no be bloody useless being here just be like looking for trouble.

Gren, uh hi dad I didn't hear you come in, was doing this maths, good good you nearly finished, yeah I am, want to come over to Dynon with me, who me, yeah I've just gotta see a bloke, won't be out for long, yeah ok great I'll be finished this in a sec. Geez fancy that me going over to dad's work, reckon that was a real good touch, saying I just had to finish that, that impressed him, I know for sure.

Alright love we'll be home in about an hour or so, Gren can have tea with us then when you get home, good. Wow here I am in the car, front seat too, at 5 o'clock never thought this would happen. Things have just been really really good ever since I found that money and to think if I hadn't gone to the shrink it never, ever would've happened, boy, they're really good those shrinks, help you change, make you happy real quick, don't know how he did it, don't really care just know I sure am glad that he did. So were you just doing maths tonight Gren, yeah dad been learning this new formula and just wanted to practice up on it, that's the way, yeah they're real easy to forget cause we have so many of them, practice, practice, practice m'boy that's the only way gotta keep that brain ticking over you got to keep exercising it, yeah you're right dad, will I be able to go onto a Diesel, no not tonight just gotta see a bloke in the roster room don't think we'll have time we'll see anyway, ok good. Boy this is great only ever been here once before Diesels everywhere, some steam trains too, huge bloody place enormous in fact so big it's a wonder no-one gets lost in here. Driveway into the joint must be a mile long, railway tracks all over the place, blokes everywhere never seen any women here maybe they're not allowed or something, I dunno anyway. God we've passed heaps of blokes, they've all called out hello Ian, how does he remember all their names, buggered if I know but he seems to.

Half those blokes are total no-hopers they just work in the yard, shovelling coal, picking up stuff they'll get nowhere, they'll be doing the same thing in 20 years, never get anywhere, oh are they. Geez they looked happy enough to me, most of them yelled out g'day to dad, he said g'day to quite a few himself, so a no-hoper's not that bad at all now I've seen it, in fact looked quite ok. Yep they'll just be out here breaking their backs for the next 20 years, so they're not drivers, what, no not even a driver's bootlace they'd be too bloody lazy to do all the study you need to do to became a driver, they're just happy to loaf along, the world's full of people like them fella, oh I see.

Here we are the roster office, now I'll just park here, if you'll just wait in the car for me I won't be long. Okay dad, blow it was hoping I could go in, never seen a roster office, still doesn't look much just a little brick building, got an upstairs bit, still not real big. Wonder what a roster is don't even know, maybe I'm sposed to, I better not ask. Right Gren done that, hop out I'll take you up and show you where the drivers go before work, great, better lock the car, ok. We just need to go over there to that building, boy it's pretty big, yes it's big alright everything's big here. Ok in this door, up the stairs this is the drivers' locker room, gee lots of lockers, yes now down here is a meal room, so that's where you have tea, not very often usually I'm on the engine, oh. Now down here's the gym, boy there's lots of machines, yes plenty of equipment here it's all laid on. This room through here this is the pool room, wow 3 pool tables, can you play whenever you want dad, yeah, without paying, that's right, do you play, no I've got no time for games, lots of important work to do in life, oh right.

G'day Ian, g'day Neville, this is my eldest Gren say g'day, g'day, hello Gren gonna be a traindriver like dad, um don't know, he's getting a good education Nev gonna make something of himself, not going to be a bloody traindriver, now they're both laughing I don't know why, alright see you Ian, nice to meet you Gren good luck, thanks. Neville's been a driver longer than me he's a good man really knows his stuff, never any muckups when Neville's on the job, he seemed pretty nice, yes he is alright, better get moving it's 1/4 to 6 time we got home through the traffic we'll be lucky to get there by 6.30, ok then maybe next time I can go up in a diesel and see it inside, yeah that's right next time. Gee thinking about those lockers there must have been thousands of 'em, bloody everywhere way more than what's at school, funny thing was it sort of reminded me of school, didn't want that thought not one bit. Those blokes dad was saying g'day and waving to 'em and everything like he was good friends, then he told me half of them were no-hopers, I really don't get that, not at all, always thought from what he says to me, that being a no-hoper is the worst thing in the world, and no-one would like you or talk to you or anything, he was talking to them, I reckon he was happy about it too, just don't get it, not at all, he's always going on about no-hopers being no good at all.

Boy this has been great, going into dad's work, just seeing those big diesels close up, my head's not even as big as their wheels they're massive. I bet Michelle maybe even Isobel would've loved to come over here but spose they're not allowed cause they're girls, yes, that must be it, maybe dad just didn't want to take em, I dunno, anyway no matter, least I went. Bloody good sitting in the front seat, wish I was a bit bigger, could see out the window better. Alright fella just about home, yeah, how was that, real good dad thanks a lot, no worries m'boy, no worries at all.

Thanks mum that was good please can I leave the table, yes alright. Wow how about this 10 past 7 and I've only just had tea, just go and watch TV for a while Gren, Keith's in bed your father and I are going to have a cup of tea, ok no worries. How good is this, everything's good here mum and dad are happy, I'm happy, just great. Did you go over to dad's work Gren, yeah, wish I could've gone, well you didn't Michelle so there, yeah but I wish I could've. That's enough out of you kids, Michelle, Isobel bed in 10 minutes, but mum it's only 10 past, Enough! I said bed in 10 minutes, but, do what your mother says, huh bet they aren't gonna say anything else now that dad's spoken, nuh didn't think so. Right Gren your father's going out to the study to do some work you can go to bed too come and say goodnight, ok goodnight mum, g'night dad, goodnight. Saw the clock 20 to 9 boy that's a good night, real late, when things are good they're real bloody good, pity they're not good more often though, oh well.

# -13-

Reckon I should spend some of this, looks so good shame to spend it, yeah but I can buy stuff, not yours to spend mate, what am I gonna do with it can't give it back, dunno whose it is, yeah that's right, can't tell mum and dad almost had it for a week now been too long I reckon, yeah way too long you'll just get in big trouble if you tell, yeah for sure, not like I stole it or anything, no you found it finders keepers losers weepers reckon you should buy stuff with it, think it's the right thing to do, yeah your money, yeah my money ok gonna take 30c and go over to the shop, good on ya good idea that's the way.

Yes can I help you, um can I please have a bottle of coke and a packet of these lollies, there you are, thanks, wow even 5c change. Crikey it just gets better and better and better here I am, bottle of coke, lollies, no-one knows cept me, cause I bought em with my money and I can buy whatever I want whenever I want. Gawd I thought that money was good just to look at and hold, I mean it is but now I know that it's even better to spend, such a great feeling to be able to go into the shop and buy whatever I want and just to know that I can do it whenever I want wow bloody fantastic better than anything, anything in the whole wide world. This coke, boy, tastes extra good, always tastes great cause I don't have it very often, but, I dunno why, but just seems to taste better than ever. Geez I better be careful, bloody terrible if the old man drove past, don't think he comes up past this way anyway but just in case, I better keep a real careful lookout, no chance of mum coming up here though. Shit what about other people maybe someone will see me then say to mum, oh I saw Gren at the shop near the squash court he was having a coke and eating lollies, what the hell would I do then. She'd want to know where the money came from, christ better be real bloody careful, not bloody fair it's my money but I can't let anyone know I've got it.

Wish I was over at grandpa's everyone's got money over there, Gary, Tony all the Waite boys cause they all deliver papers, no trouble if I was there could go to the flicks, play the pinnies all sorts of stuff, don't know anyone here who's got money no-one but me, leastwise no-one apart from those kids at school, and I sure don't want nothing to do with them that's for sure. Well that's the end of that, bloody good lollies them, never had those before, reckon I could go some more real easy, no better not, gotta be careful, plenty of time, plenty of money no need to rush, boy just knowing I could have as much as I want feels so great. Maybe I'll get a milkshake later, yeah a chocolate malted brother how good will that be, get some more lollies too yeah, maybe just walk up to that phone box the one I do on the way to school, not to check it just cause then I won't be going straight back to where the money's hidden, don't want anyone to notice and be nosing around after me, last thing I bloody want. Geez that was a good thing you spent some of it mate, yeah no going back now, can't tell mum I found it now some's missing, nuh no way, get in even bigger trouble, huge trouble just gotta keep quiet and be real careful, yeah that's for sure. Anyway the bloke that lost it wouldn't even care probably, nah he'd have got more by now, yeah for sure, mine now I can do whatever I want with it, you sure can, might just go back and get one more 20c get a milkshake, why not, yeah why not.

Yes little boy again, chocolate malted please, you thirsty you just had a coke, yeah I am, ok one chocolate malted coming up there you are, thanks do you mind if I drink it in here and look around, no no you look around all you want, thankyou. Wowee so much stuff and just like I thought now that I'm buying stuff he doesn't mind me being in here at all, look at shit who's this aw no-one I know, just some kid buying milk, phew still reckon I'm pretty safe down here fair way from our place, other shops are way closer more of them too so really shouldn't run into anyone I know here. Better finish this quick anyway and get out, aw love that noise at the bottom when I suck the frothy bit, just love it. Thanks Mr, I'll see you later, see you little boy. Yep you sure will be seeing me that's for sure, cause there's lots of stuff in here that I want, lots and lots of it.

Where've you been Gren, aw I just went out for a walk, a walk, yeah, walk where, aw just up near school and around some of the streets, well next time you go out you're to tell me you hear, ok, you're not to go outside the gate without telling me I had no idea where you were, ok, you've been gone for nearly two hours if you ever do that again without telling me I'll let your father know, alright sorry mum, yeah sorry mum's right I've been worried sick I even had to send Michelle down to the tennis court to see if you were there. I didn't take my tennis racquet, don't argue with me in fact you can just go to your room for a while go on just go, ok.

Bugger got in trouble with mum, not too bad though glad I went back when I did though could've easy had another milkshake or two even. Can't believe I was gone for 2 hours only seemed like 10 minutes, I'll have to keep an eye on the time, have to ask cause I don't got no watch. I could buy one, easy, plenty of money, nah can't do that, mum would want to know where the money came from, just have to ask people, no worries. Geez still got 10c change in my pocket, no worries I'll take that to school tomorrow, buy some chips or something at the tuckshop, Nah I'll spend it at the same shop, right on the way yeah too easy. Geez I hope that bloke that left that money there got some more, reckon he would, yeah for sure, maybe you just gotta say you lost it or something, then he'd get more for sure, yeah that's what'd happen I reckon.

Give us the old one swaggy, give us the old one ha ha bewdy geez you look stupid, wonder your mother even lets you out in daylight, should be you only get out at night then people wouldn't have to see your ugly face, got a message for you swaggy, yeah what, this Ow bony bloody hands Janis has got really bloody hurts when he punches me, oh good they're all laughing I can get away real easy now looks like they've had enough for a while. Yeah that's right piss off and don't come back nobody wants you here you're just good for nothing a real dickhead. Boy they know real good swear words, wonder where they learn them, still no good to me, I'd get in so much trouble offa mum if I swore that it wouldn't be funny. I got no-one to swear at anyway, be good to have someone to swear at though, I reckon.

What have I got this arvo, bloody science then sport, sport's ok but science no. Ah usual seat second last row, bloody Robert straight in front of me usually Barry he's on my right bloody Janis on my left boy well and truly surrounded as usual. What's Bowden writing on the board something about symbols, ah yeah, they're abbreviations for, bloody Robert, turned around pulled 3 faces at me, Barry's laughing. Enough Mr Bowden's saying, you're in here to learn if you don't want to learn you can get out now, no-one's moving wish, just wish I was brave enough to get up and go out, that'd be bloody fantastic, get two lessons out of the class, woodwork and science, how good would that be, no ratpack, no old one no nothing, geez that'd be better than anything I reckon. Alright class if you'd all turn to page 72 and look at the table everyone there good now as you can see every element, bugger it why didn't I take my chance could've been outside now not listening to this stuff, shit someone just threw a pen at me, didn't hurt though got a scare must've been day dreaming bloody hell can't afford to do that gotta be ready for the ratpack all the time all the bloody time not a chance to just sit and forget about them no way in the world. So boys as you can see by that table, what's he on about aw yeah the table in the book page 72 yeah. Well let's see who's taken anything in, god hope he doesn't ask me, Mr DeBouverie, shit, what's the symbol for oxygen, aw O2 sir, very good very good indeed. Bloody hell how the hell did I know that, he must've said and I must've just remembered, didn't even know I did. Bloody good job I know though, now he won't be asking me any questions for ages, hope not anyway. Ar good the bell least that's it for today only sport to go, no worries about that.

# -14-

Boy what a weekend, tennis on Sat'dy, juniors in the morning won that then played C4 with the adults in the arvo won that too, only doubles in the arvo still real good to win both. Even better, much better, the milkshakes the cokes the chocolates the lollies had everything, everything i wanted bloody fantastic whenever I want it I can just have it, just gotta get some money and buy it, hope that shop doesn't run out of stuff, geez that'd be just my luck, still don't reckon he will he's got plenty there. This money, never runs out, bought everything and still only spent under $3, don't know if I could've eaten or drank anymore, almost got tired of it, can't believe I'm thinking that, tired of eating lollies and drinking milkshakes and coke, boy never thought I'd ever feel like that. What the hell am I gonna do with the rest of this bloody money, gonna take forever to use it all up. Wish there was a place near home that had pinnies and maybe a pool table, that'd be great, could spend some money then wouldn't have to eat or drink all the time, bloody nowhere though. A bowling alley, boy, that'd be good, not fair, got nothing like that anywhere near here, not like over at grandpa's, got everything over there. No way can I get over to Caulfield though, real long way wouldn't have a clue how to get there, reckon it'd take a real long time, even takes a long time in the car when dad drives us over. Wonder how people get around when they don't have cars, probably everyone does, know mum gets the bus to Sunshine and Footscray sometimes, hey the bus goes all the way to the city we went on it when we went to the shrink. I wonder, I just wonder if the bloody bus goes all the way to Caulfield, maybe it does, yeah could I spose. Wonder how long it'd take, how would I find out, can't ask mum that's for sure, shit, give up on that one I reckon.

Better go home, that clock in the shop said 4.30, mum said be home by 4.30 so I'm late already. Hey might go and grab some more money and take it to school tomorrow, dunno why just might, could come in handy. Ok got $25.55 left aw just take the 55c that'll be enough I reckon. Now better put it in my shoe no good in my pocket might jingle or make a noise, don't want mum hearing it no way. Yeah stick it in my shoe, then when I get home I'll put it in my pencil case, put it down the bottom of my schoolbag it'll be right there no worries safe as houses I reckon. Gren you're late, sorry mum I'm not very late, 25 minutes is very late Gren when I say 4.30 I mean 4.30 you hear, yeah sorry. Is your bag ready for school tomorrow, I'll go and fix it, yes there's books everywhere up there, I'll go do it right now, you've done all your homework haven't you, yeah done everything just gotta put my books in and my bag's ready to go, good off you go then tea will be ready in about 20 minutes, ok. Geez didn't much like that what she said about my bag, gonna bloody make sure everything's in there, don't want her going through it, last thing I need her to find that money, that's for bloody sure. Bewdy everything's in, no books lying around, nothing, don't care about them though the important thing is the money's in, that's all that really matters.

See ya mum, alright have you got everything, yeah, got your lunch, yeah, alright straight home now no going off anywhere you hear, yeah ok bye. Now will I stop at the shop and buy some lollies to eat on the way or not, yeah good idea, you reckon, yeah great idea, ok then. Better just shop here and get 15c out of the pencil case, 'fore I go into the shop, he might think it's a bit funny if I got money out of it in the shop, yeah bloody good idea that, bloody good thought. Swaggy give us the old one, give us the old one, yeah yeah, bloody hell, they're even waiting near the gate for me to get here. What're you eating swaggy, just a lolly, got one for me, aw yeah ok, bewdy, me too, me too, piss off make sure I got one, thanks swaggy, that's ok. Bloody hell they just let me walk right past, no punches no nothing just because I had lollies, incredible don't believe it, yeah they're just standing there, not chasing after me or anything, bloody hell this is great. Righto, don't reckon I've gotta worry about the ratpack, not right now anyway they're still out at the gate, put this bag in my locker ok what books do I want, aw great none, woodwork first up bewdy and free period for me I reckon, Zieling will let me go out for sure, no problem. Geez, been a pretty good day so far, bloody surprising in fact very bloody unusual, seeing as I'm at school, it's always like shit but not today, not yet anyway. Swaggy got any more lollies, shit they snuck up on me only Robert and Janis though, yeah, yeah I have here, more than that come on more than that, aw ok there, good on ya swaggy. Crikey fancy them two saying good on ya to me, unbelievable simply unbelievable they've never ever said anything good to me before, boy what a day this is so far, what a great day.

Bewdy, Mr Zieling just looked at me and pointed to the door, that means I can go, no-one's laughing or saying anything either, this day just gets better every bloody minute. Four left, bugger only got 4 lollies left, geez must've had 30-40, bloody ratpack been eaten em, hey now I got no more to give em, sure gonna be none of these left time woodwork finishes that's for bloody sure, I'm eating these all four of em. Wish I had more that was real good before hardly asked me for the old one at all even said thanks and good on ya, boy still can't believe that, no way. Hey money, money, money I've got money, 40c still in my pencil case, bewdy might just go and grab that now, be ok to have it in my pocket here, no-one's gonna hear it jingle, sides lots of kids have money at school so it'll be nothing unusual really. Good no-one in the hall, they're all in class, good got it, no problem.

Feels good, feels bloody great, I reckon there's nothing like having money in your pocket makes me feel just fantastic. Not real heavy in fact not heavy at all, but I sure know it's there, bloody nice putting my hand in my pocket, moving those two 20c pieces around in fact it's better than nice it's bloody brilliant, should be able to buy a fair bit of stuff with this much I reckon. I remember when I bought that pie for lunch got a pie and a little drink for 10c oh a coke too that's right, yep be able to buy heaps here, not as much to pick from as the shop, but it'll do it sure will. Maybe even that bloody ratpack'll stop annoying me as much if I give em some stuff, dunno I'll see how it goes, might try it though, yeah worth a shot. Not that I want to give em anything, aw yeah cept a bullet each, 3 or 4 bullets each that'd be even better, yeah they'd really whinge then, that'd be really good.

Ding Ding Ding oh the bell, now english, gonna go straight there, got 5 minutes but Mrs Murphett's usually there all the time, no use hanging about, don't wanna see the ratpack, got no lollies or anything to give em, so there's no way they'd wanna see me cept to get the old one or a grunt or something, no way I'm waiting around for that. Hello Gren, hi Mrs Murphett, did you have a nice weekend, yes thanks, have you got your essay on your holiday for me, yes here, good. Now class before we start can I have your essays on your holidays, just pass them up to the person in front of you, and I'll collect them from the front. Lots of groaning going on, dunno why we've had plenty of time, not much to write an essay. Anyone who hasn't finished this homework put your hand up, we're all looking around, the ratpack, all of em, got their hands up. You five you can remain here when the bell goes for recess, then you can tell me why you haven't completed your homework, but miss, no not now, not on my time on your time, oh by the way you better have a good excuse ready too otherwise you will all, I repeat all be in here for the whole recess time and you will all be back in here tonight, after school, to write those essays, but miss, Enough. Swaggy give us the old one, swaggy give us the old one, see ya. Bloody amazing they've gone, good they weren't around at recess ha, Murphett must've kept them in almost the whole time, lunch now and all they wanted was a couple of faces, good bloody good. Now who to eat lunch with, don't want to sit with anyone really think I'll just go around the front of school by myself, yeah good idea the ratpack never come around there so it'll be real peaceful.

Peanut butter sandwiches, geez the bread's gone hard too, not real hard but still not soft much better when it's soft. Hey I can go and buy a pie or something, yeah wonder what else there is, gonna go and check it out these sangers can go in the bin, good gone, now for the tuckshop. Good hardly a line at all guess most kids have already bought their stuff bloody good time to come, thought I'd have to wait in line for ages. Yes what would you like, er could I please have a pie and sauce and a can of coke please, I'll just get it. There you are that'll be 18c, thankyou, there's your change, thanks 2c change and now I've got a real good lunch, best ever, not gonna go all the way round the front, aw there's Kevin over there, just go over and sit with him he won't say anything, hi Kevin, g'day swaggy. Brother this pie's bloody good, coke tastes great too, soon as I finish this back to the tuckshop see what else they got. Bloody good thing now I think about it, not to buy lollies straight away yeah, kinda makes it look like you're having lunch first. Think these ladies that work in the tuckshop are kids' mothers, dunno why but I just do. No matter cause none of them know me so my mum wouldn't know any of em. Anyway even if she does it wouldn't matter I reckon, buying a pie and a coke for lunch, plenty of kids do that, happens all the time. Can't even see the ratpack around either, maybe they're down the back having a smoke or something, anyway only got 15 minutes lunch left so wherever they are, and hope they bloody stay there, kinda good sitting here, never ever sat here before, gosh it's real good, close to the tuckshop too.

20c no 22c left, think I'll go and buy something else, wonder what, jeez I'd better be careful don't wanna spend too much in one day, one of these ladies might say something, can't have that happening, gotta have no chance of mum finding out what's going on, that's for sure. Yes, um can I have a packet of straws and a bag of those mixed lollies please, no good for your teeth you know, yeah I know but I like em. Good she's laughing so she's not thinking I've got too much money, boy I'm gonna have to watch it, what I buy here. That'll be 3c, thanks, there's your change, thankyou, now I've still got 14c left, bloody good thing I didn't spend it all I reckon, could've easily, got plenty, but she'd have noticed how much money I spent, yeah for sure.

Swaggy watcha got, straws, bewdy give us some, ok, boy they're taking a few, shoulda taken em out of the bag and given em to em. Shit hardly any left, bloody five of them had a big handful each, only really a few crumbs left for me. Give us some more, none left only a few crumbs, Ha Ha Ha, geez you're dumb, see ya, bloody shits they are. Hey I've still got my lollies, great, gotta be real bloody careful they don't find out about them real careful. Gonna have a couple now, can't see em anymore so I reckon it's pretty safe oh good and as safe as houses they don't know a thing, bewdy. Ding, Ding, Ding, geez the first bell already, better get going, got 5 minutes, what've we got this arv, shit bloody history bugger, double period too, then maths geez just gets worse. Well glad that's over, double history why do they do that enough to kill anyone, least the bloody ratpack were pretty quiet, that was good.

# -15-

Geez that was a funny day, first time ever I reckon that the ratpack haven't really given it to me. Dunno why, hey I wonder I just wonder whether it was cause of the lollies and stuff. Nah, couldn't be I don't reckon, it'd take more than a few lollies and straws, maybe just maybe they've found someone else to pick on. How bloody good would that be, geez better than anything I reckon, bloody feel sorry for the other kid though, boy but he's got no idea of what he's in for. The shop, great, now what am I going to get, coke yeah coke for sure and chocolate, yeah a big chocolate block great. Oh how good was that chocolate bloody brilliant, didn't take that long to eat either and even better I had just enough money, exactly, didn't know it was gonna cost that much but no matter I've got plenty more. Bloody lucky I had enough though, dunno what he would've said if I didn't have enough money, wonder what they do, maybe I could've said "put it down" like mum does at the other shop, yeah that's probably it, have to remember that.

Need to get some more money tonight for school tomorrow, bloody hell have to take a $5 note, yeah geez, trying to change $10 don't fancy that just get $5 will be bad enough I reckon. Get my racquet when I get home, head down to the courts, play a bit of tennis, then I'll go grab that $5 note, take it over the shop, buy something, need to get change for school, not taking a whole bloody $5, no way. Should be ok at the shops, that bloke knows I've got money, $5 made that much and more from Boss delivering papers, so he shouldn't ask me where am I getting all this money, hope not anyway, maybe I better have a story ready, just in case, yeah bloody good idea. Hope the old man's not home, have to sit there and pretend to do study for about an hour if he is, please don't let him be there, please don't let him be there, aw well even if he is, only 3.30 so I'll still have time to get out and get my money, much better if he's not though, god I hope he's out somewhere.

Home mum, hello Gren how was school, good real good, dad home, no he's at work, bloody ripper, g'day Michelle, hi Gren, where's Isobel and Keith, out playing in the back yard, aw right mum can I go down to the tennis courts, yes alright have you got any study to do tonight, yeah a bit but I'll be home at 1/4 to 5 so is it ok if I do it then, yes long as you do too, will be back at 6, that's ok that'll give me enough time to finish, if I don't, I won't have much to do after tea, good off you go then. Huh good touch that I'll finish off after tea as if, reckon it sounded good though, sure mum liked it. Now, what am I gonna do about this $5 note, wanna have a hit first, yeah do that then get it. Aw bewdy there's people playing I'll get a hit for sure, even sounds like 2 courts going already might even be the whole 3.

Geez this bloody $5 note, gonna be a problem, can't really get it and go buy something, if I do I'll have more bloody money to hide at least two $2 notes and coins. Don't wanna go back to the rock straight after, gotta be careful no-one notices anything, like me in that vacant lot all the time, can't afford anything like that. What to do, what to do, what to do, shit, shit, shit dunno. Hey got it, go get the bloody $5 note after tennis, put it in my sock then when I get home I'll put it in my schoolbag just like yest'dy, yeah good one that, real good. Shit have to hide it real bloody good though real good, that's for sure.

Good shot Sid too good for me you'll have to run faster, but wouldn't matter how quick I was I'd never have got that, what's the score, 40-15, right. Need this point otherwise he gets the set, hope his first serve misses, real bloody fast. Shit right in the corner bloody aced me, too good Sid thanks, thankyou want another, aw what time is it, ah just 4.30, no sorry Sid I gotta go, no worries thanks again, yeah see ya. Geez coulda won I reckon easy, hitting good forehands coupla good backhands too, that bloody serve of his just too bloody quick, if he'd missed a few more of them I'd have been in business, ar well not to worry about it let's go and get the money, gonna be home right on time I reckon, that'll impress mum, no worries about that. Good no-one around, bloody great hiding place this real good. Ok, fold it up, put it in my sock, I reckon it sticks out a bit my sock mum might notice yeah I'll take my sock right off, put it under my foot, yeah, much better, can really feel it walking but no matter, can't tell it's there no way. Perfect place just perfect, wonder if I could leave these socks on all night, that'd be great, don't think I'll be able to though, mum's gonna say have a shower, though sometimes she doesn't, might get lucky, boy that'd be good.

See ya mum, bye Gren got your lunch, yeah, alright straight home now, ok, well that was good, remembered Keith goes to bed at 7, went and hid the $5 in my science book, page 55 too, wouldn'tve mattered what page, the book just opens at that one, weird that. Bloody lucky I thought of it though, got away with no shower, nearly bloody forgot. Would've been the last thing I needed to have Keith up in our room, he's that bloody nosey, there'd be no chance of hiding anything while he's around. Boy I betcha he'd go straight yelling out to mum though, if he saw me with money, no worries about that, really be in the shit then, still didn't let it happen so no problem. Ar now, what am I gonna buy at the shop need to get some change. No way in the world I'm taking just a $5 note to school, ladies at the tuckshop would notice for sure and even worse the bloody ratpack would find out not havin' that happen.

Mmm, bloody nice this chocolate a good way to start a day I reckon, big block o' chocolate, be finished this before I get to school no worries. Cost a bit though bloody 25c for this and the packet of lollies, still bloody good stuff though and I've got plenty more money, plenty more. Bloody good idea getting two $1 notes in the change too, yeah might just stop off at that old building on the way then I can put some money in my sock, no-one'll know I've got it then. Bloody useful socks never knew you could use 'em for stuff like this. Ok might keep out $1.75, put the $1 notes in my back pocket hey I'll put 30c in one pocket and the rest in the other, yeah money in every pocket then, aw good feels great and $3 in my sock as well, fantastic.

Reckon I must have about 10 minutes at least til first bell, only take me 4 or 5 from here, no matter I can get there early. Jeez just got 12 little squares of chocolate left too, finish them no worries. Go in the first gate, where the teachers drive their cars in, not sposed to but no-one'll notice I reckon, 'sides the ratpack won't see me then. Hey swaggy get here, shit, over here now, bloody hell what're they doing here they don't even come to school from this side geez my luck's sure out today. Got anything swaggy, aw nuh, what no lollies, nuh, reckon he has, yeah I'd say so, let's search him, yeah and his bag. Shit they'll find everything, what if they even make me take my socks off, bloody hell. I have got a packet of lollies here they're in my bag hang on I'll get 'em out and open 'em you can have some. Get 'em out c'mon hurry up, Bob check his bag. No I'll get 'em, here I'll just open 'em, don't worry about that just give us 'em, ok. Bob check his bag anyway, nothing else, right we'll take these you're bloody lucky swaggy real lucky go on piss off, but, piss off he said, ok Ouch, ha ha ha ha ha. Bloody Robert just gave me a real good clip over the ears bloody stings, like I can hear a bell too, shit it hurts. Still could've been worse they could'a found the money, dunno if they would've searched me or not, probably I reckon, jeez I'll have to work out something to do about them, should be able to think of something, now I've got money and all.

Bloody Robert given him lollies and all and he still goes and hits me, still least it wasn't Janis, would've hurt like hell then, he's really bloody tough, hey wonder if I can get him to give Robert a clip over the ears, wonder if I can, I just wonder. Bewdy recess, no big problems yet, just the usual, give us the old one, a few grunts nothing much, shit there's Janis and he's by himself, should I, yeah go on, I don't know about this, why not just do it, you reckon? yeah no worries he'll do it, do anything for money, well here goes. Hey Janis, what do you want swaggy give me the old one, ok, listen if I give you 40c, would you give Bob a good clip over the ears like he did this morning to me, where you gonna get 40c, got it, showus, see, ok giveus it, after you've dunnit, giveus it now or I'll belt you instead, just take it ok but you gotta do it though, just giveus it and watch, there.

Bet he doesn't do it, bet he just goes over there and tells Bob, shit, shit, shit why did I say that, why. Wow, bloody hell, fantastic, what was that for dickhead, cause I felt like it who you calling dickhead, well you just come up and hit me, yeah so what? Ripper Bob's just walking away, bloody brilliant, make 'em fight each other, now he knows what it feels like, boy great, and it was cause of me, jeez hope he doesn't find out, aw don't reckon, don't reckon Janis'll tell him. That's the most money I've ever spent in one go but boy it was worth it, anyway didn't really spend it, not like at the shop or anything, just gave it away really, was the best thing though, the best. Bob's still walking away, ha, hope he's bloody crying wouldn't that be great. No chance of me doing it the whole bloody five of 'em jump you and you finish up with a blood nose and black eyes, mum'd be straight up here, not having that not now. 'Sides, I can get someone else to do it, brother how good's that.

Geez, things I can do now, bloody hell lots and lots can DingDingDing, shit first bell, bugger it, didn't even buy anything at the tuckshop, forgot about it damn can't get nothing after first bell either. Bloody sheetmetal next, god I hate that, stupid bloody tin soldering it up making stupid boxes and stuff, useless, bloody useless. Hey this is going ok, tin's bending the right way for a change, gee, hey swaggy, shit Robert, yeah, nothing, what's he laughing at, bloody hell Barry just snuck up when I turned around, he's bent my work the wrong way, jeez it's buggered, what's the laughter for, shit Pace DeBouverie what's going on, nothing sir, let me have a look, right sir, this is the exact opposite of what I want do you realise that, no sir, well everyone else has got it the right way, why haven't you, Enough of that laughing the rest of you get on with your work. Now Gren you need to pay more attention to what I'm saying and less time day dreaming do you understand, yes sir, this sort of thing seems to happen quite a lot with you, no-one else seems to have any great problems just you, sorry sir I'll try harder, well make sure you do you just have to apply yourself, now come down the front with me and I'll get you a fresh piece of metal then you can start the entire project over again cause you'll never be able to get that right, yes sir. Thank god the bell, that's over ar well just gotta put this piece of tin in the box with all the others then that's done. Hey swaggy, sposed to be making a box not a plate, bloody Barry they're all laughing now, shit I'm going red too, shit.

Bloody useless telling Pace what happened, did that once long time ago, Bob just said I didn't do it, Janis or someone else one of 'em said no sir he was over here with me. Pace can't see 'em all the time and he didn't do nothing, probably didn't even believe me. Boy they all gave it to me that recess or lunch, whatever it was, told me if I dob again they'd belt the shit outa me, I believe 'em too right I do. Really bloody sucks, the whole lot of it, doesn't matter if you got money or not, nothing ever changes bloody nothing, same old shit every day sick of it, getting really really sick of it. Good, English next I'll get a break in there, Murphett keeps the room nice and quiet, won't be getting asked for the old one in there, that's for sure. Oh good can chuck my lunch, get a coke and pie, bewdy, something to look forward to. Not all bad just gotta think about good things I guess, yep that's the only way I reckon, the only way.

# -16-

That's enough, what, I said that's enough leave some for him. Jeez, can't believe it Janis is telling the rest of the ratpack not to take all my lollies, incredible. We want 'em and we're gonna take 'em, you take 'em and I'll belt you again Bob, shit what the bloody hell's wrong with you Janis, just let him be we've bloody well had enough, yeah well I want more I want 'em all, take 'em go on I dare you, shit, yeah that's right shit, go on piss off swaggy 'fore I change my mind and let Bob take over, ok thanks. Bloody hell what was that all about, dunno why, gotta think, incredible Janis sticking up for me why, why the bloody hell why, gotta be a reason, I know it's not because he likes me, no way that's for sure.

Geez, today was even more weird than yesterday, fancy that never in million years would I ever think Janis would stick up for me in front of the whole bloody ratpack. What was it that made him do it, must've been the 40c I reckon, can't be anything else. Spose it's a fair bit o' money, not to me though, ah but maybe it is to him, I get it, now I'm starting to get it I reckon. Yeah whenever I got lollies they're all happy, could buy a heap o' lollies with 40c, probably they could buy other things too, yeah maybe even smokes and beer maybe. Yeah must be that, can't be anything else I don't reckon. What do I do now, aw nearly at the shop, gonna spend this 10c I got left, get a coke and a coupla lollies, yeah good idea. Geez that tasted good, what about this $3 in my sock, do I leave it there or put it back, ar reckon I'll leave it in there feels kinda comfy. She'll be right I sure won't have to change socks straight away when I get home.

Ar well nearly home, shit, bugger it shit, still got $1 note in my back pocket, bloody hell forgot about it, not a bloody thing I can do about it now three houses from home. Damn, it's alright, think, think, maybe if I just go in, say g'day, go up and get changed, hang my pants up, it'll be right, yeah yeah that sounds like a bloody good idea, reckon I'll get away with it no sweat. Jeez just have to be real cool when I go in though, real bloody cool, coupla big breaths, ar feel better, yeah I can do it I reckon, no worries.

G'day mum I'm home, hello how was school, good real good, that's good, just going to go and get changed then I'll have some weet-bix, alright. Well that was easy no probs at all, don't know why I was even worried about it, yeah no sweat. Did you hang your school clothes up, yeah I did, well that's a pleasant change me not having to ask you to do it, all done mum they're in the cupboard, well wonders will never cease. Mum these weet-bix are good real sweet and, g'day fella, hi dad, how was school, great, good to hear, love I've gotta go out for a while won't be home til about 7.30, alright then I'll give the kids their tea and we'll have tea when you get home, right well shouldn't be any later than 7.30, alright bye. Now you make sure you get into that study Gren, I will dad, right then I'm off.

Ah that was good, might go up to my room and do some work mum, good, where are Michelle, Isobel and Keith, they're out the back doing something or other, aw ok. Now what to do, check that $1 note hasn't fallen out, that's first for sure, no it's fine, ok that's good that's the main thing. Reckon I'll just have a lay on the bed and have a good think about things, better take a book too, can just pretend to be reading that if she comes up, no way she'll know I'm not. Right this money getting to be a bit hard trying to work out what to do. Geez I never thought it'd be like this, thought you just bought what you want, had a good time, no worries. Not like that at all though, no-one knows that I've got it, the ratpack know I've got a bit, but they've got no idea how much though. Not like I can go out to the shops and buy real good stuff like games, radios, toys can't get anything like that cause mum'd wanna know where I got the money from to buy it. Could easy get stuff like that, plenty of it if I want, not bloody fair, can easy pay for it, but still can't have it. Getting a bit tired of chocolates, coke, lollies every day, dunno if I wanna keep buying them forever, still bloody got $24 left just never seems to run out, never. Don't really like chucking my lunch away either, I mean the pies and cokes are much better, but it's like mum made my lunch, wish really wish I could tell her not to bother making my lunch I'll just buy it but I can't, I'd feel much better then that's for sure. Really if the bloody ratpack weren't there I'd have no bloody use for the money at all.

That's not all right though, cause I do like the lollies and chocolate and stuff, just seem to buy a lot more of it than I should, I reckon. Hey wonder how that bloke's going that lost it, he'd be right, yeah no worries been two weeks now, he'd be right for sure. He'd have plenty of money, all people that're grown up have lots of money, they're always buying stuff all the time. Wonder what would happen, Gren what're you doing, shit mum didn't hear her come up, just thinking about this science mum just put the book down for a sec to think about it, oh that's alright then. Bloody hell must've been totally lost in thought, didn't even hear her come up the passage, boy can't afford that, gotta be on guard, always gotta be on guard.

Wonder how long I've been in here, probably only 10 minutes I reckon, yeah nowhere near long enough to say I'm finished, reckon for sure the old man will ask mum how long I studied for, if she says a long time, like an hour or something, he'll be happy, then he'll have no reason to go off at her. Shit a whole bloody hour though that's forever, but I have to do it, no other way. Wonder what's in this bloody science book anyway, might just have a look, see if there's anything in there I'd wanna read, be good, case she comes up here again. Boring, boring, boring who wants to know about compounds and stuff, yeah and they use these compounds in this drug and that drug, who cares I want a story to read. Nothing but bloody facts and figures here, chemical symbols, huh do I care, no way, anyway least I know oxygen, yeah O2, boy how good was that, bloody lucky I did though still don't know how.

Bloody money how am I going to spend it, can't have the bloody ratpack finding out I found it, they'll take it all then. They're the only ones who know I've got a bit of money, all of a sudden, but there's no way they'd be telling on me long as I give 'em stuff they're happy I reckon. Sooner or later though one of 'ems bound to ask me where it's coming from, what the hell am I gonna say. Can't say nowhere cause it's there, really buggered every bloody way. Should've just taken it home and given it to mum told her where I'd found it, yeah that would've been better, much better. Got no chance of that now spent too much, way too much, $5, get in way too much trouble now, cause probably mum'd find the bloke who lost it and he'd tell her there was $5 missing, boy I'd be in trouble real bloody trouble. Nuh, best to just leave things like they are I reckon, don't try and change anything, just keep going.

Not like it's hard, I mean I can have a coke whenever I want, lollies, chocolates, milkshakes all kinds of stuff. Jeez I wish there was a place that had pinball machines near here, could sure use one of those, that's for sure. If there was somewhere like that, I could go up there all the time, don't need no-one to go with, just go by yourself spend money, play the pinnies have a good time, better than just drinking coke and eating lollies and stuff all the time.

Hey, what a thought, drugs, that science book said drugs. I could tell the ratpack I'm selling drugs, nah dope, yeah, tell 'em I'm selling it for the Sunshine boys. That'll impress 'em, yeah no worries, that'll really impress 'em. Yeah I can even tell 'em I know Razor, I remember Paul Waite telling me about him, when I was at grandpa's. Yeah tell 'em he's my cousin even, boy, reckon they'd have heard of him, he's sposed to be one of the toughest of the Elsternwick boys, least that's what Paul said. Got the cops after him even, stabbed a couple of people, even think the Elsternwick boys come over and bashed the Sunshine boys a while ago, yep the ratpack will have heard of Razor for sure.

Reckon if I mention Razor the ratpack will be that shit scared they won't find out about the dope. Dunno how they would anyway, I mean they're real tough at school and that, but the Sunshine boys are real old, like 20 or something, ride around in cars, yeah the ratpack are just kids, no way they'd be hanging out with the Sunshine boys, no way. Fantastic I reckon I can make this work, might get them to stop taking stuff off me, might even make 'em leave me alone, hey wouldn't that be great. Bloody brilliant, it's good to have money again, bloody good and boy have I ever got a lot of it. Don't even reckon it'll matter how much I've got on me I don't reckon, cause if the ratpack think it's the Sunshine boys' money, they won't want to touch it be too scared I'd tell on 'em I bet. Geez I'm doubly glad I went to grandpa's now, wouldn't have had a clue about the Elsternwick boys, 'less Paul Waite had told me. Know about the Sunshine boys though, heard the ratpack say the Sunshine boys, not much just a few times, not like they know 'em I reckon they pretend they do though. Just cause they all come from that same area, the housing commission one, should've asked dad what that meant, probably something like where we live, yeah, must be like a job, like the railways or something. No way they're all gonna know each other cause it's way bigger than where the railway houses are, and no-one knows hardly anyone there.

Must have been up here for long enough now I reckon, put my runners on and go and get rid of this money, not leaving it in my sock no way. Mum I'm finished my homework can I go out for a while, yes alright be home here by 5.30, ok, geez it's 20 to 5 now been up there for longer than an hour, bloody hell. Right down to the servo, use the toilet get the money outa my sock, then go and put it back with the rest I reckon, geez hope that $1's safe in my school pants, reckon it is, mum won't look in them. Wow look at these two $10 notes gee they look good a bloody fortune, now if I put this $3 with them that'll be $23 and I've still got $1 for tomorrow, heaps bloody heaps, yep leave it all here.

Should have gone and got a bloody coke and some lollies or chocolate first, bugger it can't really now cause then I'll just have bloody coins to hide as well from the change. Can't even bring 'em back here cause don't want anyone to notice anything not right and start snooping. Reckon someone might if I go outa here, then come back in here, in 10-15 minutes, yep, pretty sure they would. Just have to go without I guess, no matter don't really feel like anything anyway, 'sides I got a $1 for tomorrow so that'll be plenty enough anyway.

Bloody rain, hate it, shit hope dad's not home or else he might drive us to school, shit won't be able to get change of my $1 then, bugger, bugger, bugger last thing I want, the bloody ratpack finding out I've got a whole $1 to spend, don't want 'em to know much least not til I have to. G'day mum, hello Gren get your breakfast, is dad home, yes but he's asleep, is he going to get up and drive us to school, no no he's not he's on night shift he never got home til 5.30 so you'll be walking, so get a hurry on, ok. Bewdy, no worries, can stop at the shop, get change when I buy something, no probs.

See ya mum, where's your raincoat, aw I forgot, you forgot, it's bloody pouring outside now go and get it, ok. Right going now, alright make sure you're quick, you don't want to get soaking wet and catch a cold, yeah ok I'll run, good, bye. Geez it's really coming down, better bloody run, least til the shop, can stop there for a while under his roof outside. Bloody glad mum got me another hat, head would be soaking wet otherwise, gotta make sure I don't lose this one cause she said she won't buy me any more, just cause I lost two not my fault even, I just lost 'em. Boy, made it puffed out, still least I'm not all wet, shoes and socks are, shoes more, shit my $1 bloody hell hope it didn't fall out nuh got it, still there, geez forgot all about it, how could I do that. Don't believe it how the bloody hell could I be forgetting that I've got money in my pocket, not little money either, big money, paper money and I forgot it for chrissakes, geez. Still no worries still got it, ar just wait out here under the roof for a bit til I'm not so puffed out, then I'll go into the shop and buy something.

# -17-

Boy, what a week, what a week it's been, hardly got asked for the old one at all, no punches, no being pushed over, nothing, just great, bloody great. Got the ratpack a bloody bewdy when I said to 'em, that the one of them that doesn't ask me for the old one, or a grunt, as much as the others, gets 40c at the end of the day. Brother it all changed, don't reckon they reckoned I was serious about that much money, Janis knew I had it, first day he got it, boy the others were real jealous, didn't believe that I would pay, bloody amazed when I did. That just shut 'em all up pretty well for the rest of the week, they were all trying to get money.

Even when I bought stuff from the tuckshop they were asking for some, but sorta asking nice, not saying give us it, sorta saying can I have one. Then even better just taking one or two not the whole packet, fantastic. Just like they wanted me to like 'em, huh not that that's ever gonna happen, but it's real easy to pretend and they believe every bit of it. I know for sure it's only cause of the money, but that doesn't matter I've got plenty. They don't even hang out near the gate at school now waiting for me to get there, so they can see what they can get, when they see me chewing they ask if they can have some, don't say please or anything, but then again not something kids say to each other anyway only for adults and teachers so no matter. Just great now, if I hand around a packet of lollies only a few get taken, makes a big difference, a big difference. Dunno why it just does, no reason it should be that much different, but it just is.

Sometimes like when Bob asked me for the old one, the others were saying he asked you swaggy, not us him, like they're dobbing on each other. Just like they're sucking up, can't believe it, sucking up to me, geez I dunno just unbelievable, never ever ever thought anything like this would ever happen. No sirree not in a million trillion years no way. Didn't even need to go to choir this week, I went anyway, cause Mrs Murphett sort of needs me, to move desks and stuff. Don't wanna get right outa that, cause what's going on now is good, but usually good things don't last long for me so really need to keep choir in backup so I've got it if I need it. Good fun going anyway, no-one ever picks on me, everyone calls me Gren, yeah it's good, just gotta give out songbooks, no singing so yeah it's ok.

Jeez I've even bought 3 packets of cigarettes this week, never ever thought I'd be buying them. Bloody dear though, 56c a packet, don't know why anyone smokes 'em, costs a bloody fortune, taste like shit had a puff, yuck, just stupid I reckon bloody stupid. Real good though real bloody good when I gave Bob a packet, told him not to tell anyone he had 'em, he didn't either, then the others found out, boy didn't he get in the shit for not giving 'em any. The rest of the ratpack caught him smoking at afternoon recess, he hadn't been around much at all after I'd given him the smokes, only bloody had a few left even, geez he started with 20. Next day I gave Barry a packet in the morning, told him not to tell anyone, he didn't, least not til lunchtime. They never told the others where they came from though, didn't say I bought 'em, guess they said they came from home or something. Weren't gonna dob me in, guess they were scared they mightn't get any more, yeah that sounds right.

Benson and Hedges, when only the best will do, wonder what the means, are they the best ones, geez the others must be bad. Glad that came into my head, when I asked in the shop for cigarettes, never knew there was so many sorts. Didn't bloody know what to say when he asked me what sort, just wanted smokes still no matter, bloody lucky though, don't want to get him thinking something's not right. Be in big trouble if I couldn't go to that shop, no way I can go to the shops near home, not a chance, would get seen by someone, maybe even mum, no way that's gonna happen. Nearest other shop to my place is bloody miles away, 'bout a 15 minute walk, too far, way too far.

Bloody different being able to go to school and not get picked on, not even in sheetmetal, got that box thing made, not real good but sorta looks like a box, kind of. Reckon if I had've stayed in woodwork I would've got that stupid pencil bat done too, glad I wasn't in there though hate it, bloody hate it. How the hell can people like doing that sorta stuff, no idea, no idea at all.

Geez I've spent some bloody money though, had to go and change a $10 still I got $18.40 left, still plenty. Really bloody good today cause Janis asked me where I was getting all this money and boy did I have it all worked out, what to tell 'em, it was that bloody good I believed it myself.

Told 'em about Razor, they sure knew of him, told me I was bullshitting and stuff but I kept telling 'em he was my second cousin. Dunno where that came from, no idea what a second cousin is, but shit it sounds good. Then I said hang on, he gave me something you can have if you want, pulled the last packet of Benson and Hedges outa my bag and threw 'em to Janis. Their bloody eyes nearly popped out, incredible this second cousin thing boy did that one work.

Said I was doing some dope between Razor and one of the Sunshine boys, doing some dope, boy that's good, just made it up on the spot. Really got 'em all going, they wanted to know which Sunshine boy, said I couldn't tell 'em, no way Razor'd said there'd be big trouble if anyone found out. Bit surprised cause they kinda didn't really wanna know as much when I said that. Bloody glad they didn't, cause I didn't know what else I was gonna say. Boy this bloody Razor, he must be tough, real tough, hope I never see him around, that's for bloody sure.

Crikey, they're all fired up now to get some dope, told 'em I couldn't sell 'em any cause they're too young, and I'd get in the shit of the Sunshine boys. Then they were all going on, please swaggy please, never heard 'em say that ever, just sneak us a bit just enough for a smoke, said I'd see if I could but didn't know, hold on it was all weighed out and everything. Pretty good that I thought, saw that on TV sounded real good and they believed me no sweat about that. Even when I was going home tonight, they said see you swaggy, don't forget, they've never said see you to me at night and how the hell can I forget, don't even know what dope looks like. Kinda like grass I reckon, yeah looks like dried out grass on TV, sorta makes a big flame when they light it up. Dunno where the hell I'm gonna get any of that, spose I could tell 'em I can't but don't really wanna.

Should've just given the bloody money to mum, wouldn't have any of this shit going on, things were alright before, I was used to the bloody ratpack, now it's like I'm friends with 'em, no, no, no dunno how to bloody get out of it though. Didn't like it when they asked me for the old one, and grunts, really didn't like the punches and getting pushed over, but I reckon it was better in a funny way than what it is now, shit what am I gonna do. Never thought I'd think it, but I'd rather be eating mum's lunch than the tuckshop stuff, feel real bad when I chuck her lunch away, dunno why but I do.

Hey wonder if I could make some dope, yeah reckon I could. Probly they don't even know what it is either, yeah I reckon that's right. Reckon they're just talking, saying get us some dope, please swaggy get us some, yeah bewdy might try it, even if it doesn't work out, I can say aw must've been bad or weak or something. They're already believing me about selling it, I can tell, just the way they act about all the money. Can get some dry grass, maybe different sorts, kinda cut it up, yeah get one of dad's razors, cut it up real good. Hey can grab some of those things mum puts in the cooking, spice things, yeah put some of those in and can cut the red bits off a few matches, put them in too, that'll make it flame up for sure. Bewdy sounds real good, reckon it'll work, just gotta work out when I can do it, still got all weekend, should get a chance sometime, better get a bag so I can get the grass, can get the rest here, but dunno when, bloody need to have that grass handy so I'm ready.

I've dunnit, can't believe it, Sunday night and I'm ready, made it, great, got some clove leaves boy they really smell, some mixed herbs, whatever they were some sage got the razor, chopped the grass, 3 different colours, sorta looks a greeny dark greeny colour, cut the red bits off four matches, cut 'em up real little, got it all in a little plastic bag, looks pretty good I reckon, as good as the stuff on TV anyhow. Got it ready to go in my school bag, got 60c in my pencil case too, for once I'm really looking forward to school tomorrow, never thought I'd be saying that.

Can I have a chocolate milkshake to take away please, alright. Need to get something I reckon, bit nervous about this dope thing, milkshake should be good anyway bugger it, Can you make that chocolate malted, right you are one chocolate malted coming up. Glad I thought of that chocolate malted's much better, thankyou aw can I have a small milk chocolate too, yes no problem. Mmm milkshake's good bloody good idea to get the chocolate as well, mmm real good. Well I've got heaps of time reckon may as well get there early, give 'em this stuff and see what happens. Hey maybe they won't ask, that'd be good real bloody good, yeah they easy could've forgotten, hope so. Swaggy did you get it, did you get it, come on swag you got it didn't you, give it to me no give it to me. Shit no way they've forgotten they're all over me. Did I get what, the dope swag, yeah swaggy the dope, you promised, yeah swaggy, you got it didn't you, aw yeah I got youse a bit, forgot about it, you bewdy, yeah give us it, give it to me no me, ok here, wow, yeah ripper bewdy swaggy. Huh, thought that bit about aw yeah I forgot real good, yeah real bloody good. Got any papers swaggy, no, shit anyone got any papers, yeah got some in my locker, go get 'em Bob let's have a smoke before school, yeah make it far easier to take, yeah too right. Got 'em, bewdy Bob let's go, see ya swaggy.

So they're all heading down the back for a smoke, wonder what they'll say, geez I might be in big trouble here shit reckon I am. Bugger it should've bought some lollies instead of that chocolate, would've had something to give 'em then. Now I've got nothin', nothin' at all, shit. Maybe just maybe it'll be ok, depends if they know I guess, anyway with all that herby stuff in might do something bloody hope so. Alright first up woodwork, aw good won't have to do that so that's great, got ten minutes though, might just stay out of the way til we have to go in, don't want the bloody ratpack tracking me down, telling me that stuff was rubbish.

Ah well gotta go, don't wanna be late only got about a minute, geez they're outside waiting, hey swaggy, good on ya swaggy, done good swaggy, real good shit swag, geez they've got thumbs up and they're all grinning and laughing wow never thought that'd happen. DeBouverie, oh good Zieling is pointing towards the door, still wouldn't have minded staying in there, the ratpack seemed pretty damn happy, guess I'll have to find out after the period finishes, what happened. Must've been something good in there though something that worked, maybe that old yellowy grass from the paddock, maybe the cloves, don't believe it really don't believe it, bloody glad though. Way they were acting should keep 'em off my back all day today I reckon, bloody good thing too, cause I've only got 42c left, not enough to be giving 'em any money time I buy a pie and a coke won't be much left at all, enough for a few lollies but that'll be it.

Pretty good stuff swaggy, good on ya swag, good shit, I'm still off my face, good on ya swag, done good. Bloody hell all of a sudden I'm the best, done real well and I didn't do anything. Can you get us some more of that shit swaggy, aw I dunno, really had to sneak it outa a couple of bags, reckon if I did it again someone, like maybe Razor, might find out. Ar shit, righto we don't want the Sunshine boys to find out anything, got a bit left anyway, enough for a coupla smokes. Geez they're all just walking away, no-one asked for the old one or anything, didn't even ask if I had any lollies, bloody great.

Wonder what that real good shit means, don't make any sense at all how can shit be good. That other bit about Bob saying I'm off my face, haven't got a clue about that, no idea at all. Was good though they didn't seem to wanna push, when I said if I tried to get any more I might get found out by Razor, that gets me out of making more, thank god for that. Reckon they sounded real worried about the Sunshine boys too, probably they're lying about knowing some of them and hanging out with them, cause I don't reckon it'd matter that much, if they really did know 'em. Anyway I don't care, the ratpack are leaving me alone, and that's the only bloody thing that matters.

Geez that pie was good, been a bloody good morning, ratpack have hardly spoken to me, great, wonder where they are now, usually they're all hanging around the tuckshop at lunch. Anyway don't care hope they stay away, might go and get some lollies to eat this arvo. Can I have a packet of those morella jubes please, big or small love, big please, there you go, thanks. Great good idea, get the big ones, last much longer, should have enough for a good while now. What've we got 15 minutes of lunch left by that clock, good lots of time. Swaggy, hey swaggy, hoi the swagman, shit the ratpack, all of 'em, no Bob's not there. Good shit swaggy, real good shit swag, pity you can't get any more, sure you can't, nah too risky I reckon, ar well we've still got a little bit left. You got any lollies swaggy, yeah here, good, bloody bewdy give me some and me, shit bell's gonna go soon we better go and get Bob, he's totally flaked out after smoking that shit, race down and wake him up Barry, no you go Janis, come on we'll all go otherwise we'll be in the shit, yeah righto we all go get him.

Bob's flaked out, what, how can that be, only some stuff outa the kitchen and some dry grass, coupla match heads don't make any sense to me. Actually now I think of it, when I made it, it did smell like shit, not real shit, just smelt real bad, bloody yuck. Cloves and those herbs, sure made a strong smell, maybe, yeah, hey that's it, that's what they meant when they said it's good shit, that's gotta be it, aw good, glad I worked that one out. Aha, now it all makes sense, but hang on, it doesn't really cause if that stuff I made is like, real dope, then why do people pay money for it. Real easy to just make it yourself. Dunno, just dunno, reckon the bloody ratpack would know, always talking about dope, they'd have to know what the real thing is, yeah, they would for sure. Don't bloody care anyway, doesn't sound like they're going to be at me to get any more, boy they must be shit-scared of the Sunshine boys, don't blame 'em for that though, reckon I would be too if I knew any of them. Brother don't even want to think about that, no way.

# -18-

Now Gren you're not going to school tomorrow you're seeing the doctor, aw you mean Derek, yes, you can call him doctor alright, ok then what time, 10.30, will I have to go to school after, we'll see what time we get home, ok. Hope we don't get home til late then I won't have to go, aw shit choir, I'll miss that again, bloody hell why's it have to be on a Wednesday, why can't it be another day. Don't want Mrs Murphett getting mad at me, telling me she doesn't need me anymore cause I don't come, can't help it, I'm not even at school. Bugger it, things like that happen to me all the bloody time, not my fault they just happen. Anyway wouldn't even matter if I went to school, the ratpack don't bother me much now, wonder if I can get out of going to see the shrink.

Mum do I have to go, yes you do, aw why, because Gren I said so and your father. Anyway since you've been there, there's been a change in you, you seem much more willing to do things, you're home on time, you're getting up for school, but, no buts it's very important you keep going, aw ok. You need to talk to him more though, you didn't say much at all last time, aw didn't I, no you didn't he can help you much more if you talk, aw ok.

Geez, bloody hell now she thinks I've changed cause I saw him, shit got nothing to do with him, bloody nothing. Money that's what's changed everything, bloody starting to run out too, jeez I never thought it would, not in a million years. Bloody hard to spend it too, gotta be real careful all the time, not really as good now as it was when I first found it. Boy bloody brilliant then, bloody brilliant. Now it's getting complicated, especially with this bloody dope thing, the Sunshine boys and Razor and all. Yeah shit, it's all over the place, I have to work out a way to get things back to where they were before, dunno how though, buggered if I do.

Alright Gren, things seem to be going pretty good for you, yes, good good I'll just get your mum in for a quick chat, if you don't mind waiting outside, ok. Mrs DeBouverie come in, thank you doctor. Dunno what they're gonna talk about no idea at all, I don't like talking to him, he doesn't know me, doesn't know anything about me, hope I don't gotta come here again. Good to get a day off school though, bloody hope he doesn't tell mum I didn't talk much, yeah geez I hope he doesn't. Stupid bloody questions, like asked about pulling faces, saying did I have a voice in my head that told me to do it, bloody stupid, said no I just did it myself, no-one tells me to do it I just do. Then he wanted to know why, how the hell do I know I just do, pretty easy to work out the right answers to his questions anyhow, must've got 'em all right cause he said good at the end, even said things were pretty good for me, yeah real easy to work him out.

Gren the doctor said you didn't talk much, I did I answered his questions, yes but there's more to it than that, did you talk about how you feel. Um dunno, don't think he asked me that one, no it's up to you to tell him you have to open your mouth and speak to him, I did. Yes well not enough according to him, now it costs your father a lot of money for you to go in here, you have to talk, talk about how you feel, what you want, what you like, what you don't like, talk about anything, just talk, ok sorry. It's just not enough to sit there and say yes and no you have to talk more you have to have a conversation with him, aw I didn't know that, well you do now, ok.

Least we have to wait for the tram and the bus, don't reckon I'll have to go to school this arv, reckon it'll be too late, so that's something good. Knew he'd bloody tell her, that I didn't say much, shit what did he want, I bloody answered all his questions, thought I got 'em all right too. Not like I didn't speak at all, no way, every time he said something I answered, couple of times I said dunno, but I had to cause I didn't know. Geez dunno what the hell mum's on about have a conversation, yeah as if, I don't even know him, seen him twice, anyway don't wanna go there any more. Hey might get out of it, didn't know they had to pay money for me to go, they should just give me the bloody money that'd be much better, wouldn't have to sneak around to spend it then. Yeah that'd fix everything I reckon, bloody everything.

Hey, the bus is just going past the school now, kids out there must be into lunchtime, bewdy reckon I'll get out of it, gotta walk from the bus stop to home, then have my lunch, yeah I'll eat real slow, 15 minute walk to school, that's if I hurry, so no way I'll get there before they go in. Yeah doesn't matter I'll tell mum it's only choir and sport, get out of it for sure then.

Well got out of that easy, didn't even need to eat slow, had to go to the shop on the way home, mum needed bread. Even before I'd finished my sandwiches she said it's 10 past 1 do you need to be in school today is there anything important, just said choir and sport and she just said no need to go then, I'll just give you a note for the whole day, boy too easy. Wonder if I can get out for a while, go and get a coke or something, should be able to, the old man's not home, don't wanna sit up here, pretend to do schoolwork all day. Mum can I go out for a bit, where to, aw just for a walk haven't got much schoolwork to do easy do it later, well, just be doing sport at school please, alright then but don't be too long, I won't thanks.

Bewdy, no worries, I'll head down to the rock, get some money, go and buy a coke and some lollies. Geez $16.40 left, starting to go down, ar well just grab 40c for now, need to work out what to do. Bloody coke's nice wish it was free, like water, wouldn't need bloody money then, yeah that'd be great. Mmm, like these lollies too, never had 'em before I found that money, bloody cost too much. Wonder if people leave lots of money in phone boxes all the time, dunno, be good if I could find some more. Don't reckon I will though, looked in that phone near the shops when I went with mum didn't see anything. Nah been checking phones for a couple of years at least, never really found nothing, nah not gonna find anymore I don't reckon.

Shit, what am I gonna do, I know, get another coke go back over behind the squash courts and have a talk about it, good idea. Ok now I've got $16 and 12c left what do you reckon I do with it, dunno what do you wanna do with it, dunno, wanna spend it, not really, wanna give it away, not really, wanna leave it in a phone box, nuh. Want to use it somehow but dunno how, well let's think about it. Now the ratpack are shit scared of the Sunshine boys and Razor right, yeah, you're shit scared of the ratpack right, yeah, well what about giving the ratpack all the money and tell them to pass it on to one of the Sunshine boys, what, yeah tell 'em Razor asked you, aw right then I won't have any money, yeah but the ratpack might leave you alone, yeah cause they'd be worried that the Sunshine boys would be after the money. Not bad, not a bad idea at all, told you, yeah except I don't reckon they'll give it to the Sunshine boys anyway, doesn't matter long as they leave you alone, yeah right. Might just give 'em $10, no $5, $10's too much, what're you gonna do with the other $11 then, take $10 home tell mum I found it on the ground, yeah good idea, then I've only got $1 left can easy spend that, yeah good one.

Feel bloody great, now I've worked that all out, now when am I gonna do it. May as well do it now I reckon, yeah take the $10 home, tell mum I found it on the ground. Can get the other $6 on the way to school. Bloody brilliant get rid of all this money in one go, get things back where they were, should even get the bloody ratpack off me, maybe even for the rest of the year, boy wouldn't that be great. Reckon they'll all be too shit scared of what they think Razor might find out, from the Sunshine boys about the money. Yeah bloody ratpack their eyes will pop right out when I give 'em $5, that's a bloody fortune. Don't reckon they'll even try and pass it on to the Sunshine boys, they'll just buy smokes and maybe beer with it. They're too bloody greedy, still that's good for me, be no good really if they did pass it on, no good for me, better they keep it, then every so often I can bring up Razor's name, should keep 'em outa my way, geez I hope so.

Mum I'm back, look what I found, what, this, $10 where did you find that, down near the end of our street just lying on the footpath, was there anyone around who might have dropped it, no there was no-one else there, can I have it, no no you can't have it $10 is a lot of money, someone's lost this now which house was it in front of. The house next to the building place, you mean the compound, yeah, right I'm going straight down there to see if anyone's lost any money, can I come, no you stay here please you can look after your sisters and brother, aw ok.

Did you find out who lost it, no no I didn't, what'll you do with the money now, I'll speak to your father when he gets home, I don't know what to do right now. Ok so I can't have it then, no Gren you can't have it, $10 is a lot of money it was very good of you to tell me you found it, you're a good boy but someone's lost it and I'm going to find out who, and return it to them, why, because that's what you do, aw ok then. Well that's what I thought would happen for sure, least she didn't come home and say she found out who'd lost it, don't know what I'd think then. Or well, I got rid of most of it, give the bloody ratpack $5 tomorrow and that'll be the end of it, thank god for that. What time's dad get home, not til late you'll be well in bed asleep before he gets here, don't you worry about that money anymore, we'll take care of it you hear, yeah aw ok.

Gren, Gren time to get up for school, yeah ok, geez another bloody day of school, aw wait, get rid of that money today, good. Hi mum did you ask dad about that money, yes yes I did and we're going to put some notices in the shops, those shops near the squash courts see if we can find out who lost it, aw right what if you don't find 'em, don't you be concerned about that we're taking care of it now and I don't want to hear any more about it alright, aw alright then, good now get your breakfast and get ready for school, ok then. See ya mum, alright now you've got everything, yeah, got your lunch, yeah, right straight home now no going off anywhere, yeah ok. Good, plenty of time, go get that $6, go to the shop, aw shit just thought, mum's gonna put up a notice in the shop I've been going to, shouldn't matter I guess, he doesn't know us, no bloody way I'm going down there with her when she does though, that's for bloody sure. Not having him say something to mum, like he has lots of money, buys lots of stuff, brother wouldn't that be bad, that's definitely not happening.

Good, got it, nothing left under the rock, bewdy, now just get a coke and some lollies, then better work out what to tell the bloody ratpack. Right 15 minutes, plenty of time, let's go, hey swaggy, yeah swaggy, got any lollies, yeah sure, bewdy, give us some, come on, ok, good on ya. Listen I need to ask you something, what, can you pass some money on to the Sunshine boys for me cause I don't have time, yeah sure, no worries, you can give it to us swag, right give 'em this then. Shit $5, wow, yeah ok we'll do it, yeah no worries, no worries at all, we'll do it tonight, you sure you will, yeah promise, geez they all said that at the same time, huh, long as you give it to them, yeah swaggy no sweat we'll give it to 'em, see ya.

Well they've gone, bloody good idea giving it to Bob, he won't want to give the others any but they'll make him, bloody good least they'll be leaving me alone. Ar, should've told 'em I told Razor I was giving it to them to pass on, shit that would've been better, much better, could've kept 'em off my back for longer. No worries I guess I can always bring that up sometime, just his name seems to do something to them. Boy he really must be a bad bastard, and I said he was my second cousin, brother still can't believe I said that, bloody glad though, really seemed to work.

# -19-

Been a week, one bloody week, since I got rid of my money, things are back to shit already, I don't believe it, thought I'd be right with the ratpack for ages, but nuh, they started up two bloody days later, well four if I count the weekend. They know I haven't got any lollies or money, but now it's like they reckon I should. Even said Razor's name, they just laughed, can't believe it, laughed at me, told me I was full of shit, said I was a dickhead, I really thought they believed me about him, I really did. Now I know they were just trying to get money, just pretending, jeez can't bloody believe it, shit. Always the same, always the bloody same for me, if something good happens never, ever, ever lasts long, then it's always much much worse afterwards, not fair, not bloody fair.

Asked mum about the $10 yesterday, she got annoyed at me, why I just dunno, told me it was being taken care of, and she didn't want it mentioned again. Said if I wanted to know, I was to ask my father, yeah as if I'm gonna do that. Saw a note posted on the window of the shop, got anyone who lost a sum of money last week to ring our phone number. A sum of money, what the hell does that mean, it was $10 not a sum of money, the bloody note doesn't even say where, jeez I reckon anyone could ring up and say, yeah I lost a sum of money, then they'd just bloody get it, don't understand it, just don't bloody get it at all.

Bloody wish I knew someone old, to ring up then we could go halves, no good me ringing up no good at all. Thought it'd be real good, back to normal and stuff, when I got rid of that money, just all turned to shit, maybe it was shit all the time and I just forgot, yeah maybe. Reckon I was just real used to it, the way things were before, now, now it's like, I know what's in the shop, know what's at the tuckshop, should be better shouldn't it, but it's not, like it's ten times worse. Never, ever gonne be able to go in the shop and buy stuff again, never, the tuckshop, I can bloody well forget that too. Just like it never happened, got nothing just like before, shit, shit, shit can still see all that money $28.90, bloody hell should've just taken it home, given it to mum, why didn't I do that, why? Just don't wanna feel like this, but I can't help it, just do, gotta sort it out, can't ask anyone to help, just gotta do it myself, guess it's my fault but shit, why, why, why, why.

Why do you feel bad mate, cos I do, yeah but why, cause I've got no money left, yeah ok do you want more money, nuh not really, then why feel bad, cause I kept it spent some of it, yeah but you didn't spend it all did ya, nuh, you didn't even spend half of it, nuh, not like you stole it, no that's for sure, you found it, yeah yeah I did, finders keepers losers weepers, yeah I guess, you even told your mum you found a lot, yeah I did, that was a good thing, hey it was too, so why do you feel bad, don't feel so bad now, good that's the way, yeah just gotta get on with things, yeah, ah feel better now a lot bloody better. Glad I worked that one out, won't be asking mum about that bloody $10 any more, just forget it, not mine, don't want it just causes more trouble. Better to just get used to everything the way it is, not try and pretend they're any different, cause they're not. Always finish up back where you started anyway, so no bloody good to try and change things, this is how it's always been and this is how it's always gonna be, just gotta get used to it.

Yeah now I'm thinking about it much better now, the bloody ratpack I can handle them, that's ok they're always the same. Just having that money, having to go over to the rock and get more all the time, having to spend it and not letting on to anyone, that was hard, too hard. Didn't like doing that, kinda like I was always lying about stuff, even though I wasn't, only to the ratpack and they don't matter. Didn't even tell anyone else, so couldn't be lying, dunno what it was, but didn't make me feel real good, that's for sure. Still finished now, reckon I do feel ok, yeah, I do, bloody glad about that, geez I'm glad it's over.

Hey swaggy, give us the old one, yeah come on swaggy, ha ha do it again, c'mon the old one. Geez just gotta pull a few faces and they're all laughing at me, the old one again swaggy, bewdy, geez you're ugly do a grunt too, ha ha ha, got any lollies swaggy, no, nah you got nothin' have ya, no, bloody good for nothin' you are, give us the old one again ha ha, now piss off before we belt you go on piss off. Don't need to tell me twice, I'm going, well that wasn't too bad, few faces, coupla grunts, nothing I don't do anyway so doesn't matter, got off easy I reckon, real easy, gotta remember to not get here so early, yeah need to get that right again.

Things will be ok, yeah just gotta keep thinking that, won't really be ok but I can handle it, I reckon, yeah always have. No good at all when the ratpack and me were pretending to be friends with each other. Bloody hell, can't believe I'd ever do that, pretend to be friends with them. It was like I couldn't help it though, I didn't really wanna be their friend at all, just wanted them to leave me alone. Bloody worked out the other way though, saw more of 'em, geez even bought bloody cigarettes for 'em, shit wasn't sposed to be like that. Don't really know how I thought it would be, but like we were all friends, no bloody way. Just really made more trouble for myself, really am bloody useless, always getting myself in strife, why, why do I do it, I dunno just always happens.

Bloody school, causes all my problems, every bloody one of 'em, if I didn't have to go I wouldn't see the ratpack, then things would be good. But I gotta come, gotta come here forever, every bloody day. Even when I'm not here, like on the weekend and night and stuff, always got the old man, he's always on about it, mum too but not as much. Every bloody time I see an adult, they always say how's school, why, why the bloody hell do they have to say that. Do people really want me to say it's shit, I hate it, don't want to be there, no, I know they don't. It's like all they want me to do is lie and say good, going good, I know they don't really care I'm only a kid so it doesn't matter, but geez I'm getting sick of it really sick and tired of the whole bloody thing.

Didn't really think about this kinda stuff before I found that money, but now I can't help it, can't stop it. Pretend, that's what everyone does, I even did it, didn't mean to, just happened. Geez is this the way it's going to be forever, you ask someone something, and they say what you want to hear, not what it's really like, is that why mum and dad are always on about manners, you always have to be nice to people, don't be nasty and mind your place, what the hell does that mean anyway, mind your place, shit I haven't got a place, even if I did how the hell would I know where it is.

Must be something to do with when you grow up, yeah maybe, shit, don't want to think about that, too far away, way too far, just too hard right now, hard enough to get through today, no way I can even think about next week, let alone bloody years away. School, bloody Tutty Tech, that's the only thing I've got and I don't want it, don't want it at all and to hell with every bloody thing I reckon. Don't care, don't care a toss, about what might happen in the future, I got no future, my future is here and now, that's all there is, that's all I've got. Going to school forever, christ what a bloody thought.

# -20-

No-one's fault, no-one but me, I deserve everything I get. Even the ratpack, if I didn't pull these bloody faces and grunt, maybe they'd be leaving me alone, picking on someone else, dunno maybe. Yeah really is a case of if you're as ugly and useless as I am, there's no hope for you, just no hope. Probably even mum and dad know that, yeah reckon they would. Reckon dad just goes on and on about the schoolwork cause he's just pretending, trying to make me feel better about things. Yeah, though it kinda gets me down, cause I know and he knows too that I can't change anything, it's always gonna be this way.

Makes me a bit sad sometimes, when he's talking about education, he seems to get so excited about it, and I try and give the right answers, most times I do, then he just gets more excited and says stuff like getting a good job, using your head, not having to break your back, geez I know he's pretending, it's not gonna happen, and I'm just a kid so why doesn't he, I just dunno. Mum's real good though, she never pushes me much, just asks sometimes if I've got my homework. Reckon though she's only asking cause I know the old man gets on her back about my studying. Don't like it when I hear them arguing about me not doing any good at school, not fair when he goes off at her about it, makes her cry and I don't like that. I always wish she wouldn't stick up for me, then she wouldn't have to cry, maybe grown up men like it when their wife cries, I dunno, I sure hate it and hate him when mum does cause it's sure not her fault, she's real good, real bloody good.

Not like I can tell mum and dad about the ratpack, I can't. They've been doing what they do for ages, maybe a whole year, it's not a new thing. Have to tell straight away, can't wait til later, I'd get in big trouble if I told anyone now, too late, way too late. They'd be saying why didn't you tell us earlier why wait, stuff like that, I dunno just no way out, no way at all. What am I gonna tell 'em anyway, that I got what I deserve, isn't that the way things work, you just have to take it, if it's what you really deserve then it's ok. Don't like it, don't like it a bit, but shit I deserve it, yeah no use thinking about why cause it's just the way it is, it's probably right.

Not the teachers' fault either, the ratpack are real smart, sit in different parts of the room, teacher can't see 'em all at once, no way I reckon. Zieling is real good sending me out, wish they were all like that, but they're not, reckon that'd make life easier. I reckon they know things aren't right, cause about every two weeks, sometimes more, they ask me if things are ok. Well what am I sposed to say no, no they're not, it's all shit I hate it, uh uh, gotta remember your bloody manners and pretend, say, yeah everything's fine, I'm right. Then the teacher says, well that's good then, long as everything's well. Least they don't ever mention about me pulling faces, I know for sure they must've seen it, and I'm really really glad they don't say anything to me. Don't know what I'd say if they did, I really don't, still probly be able to make something up, yeah something they'd believe. Be no different to always then they'd pretend and I'd pretend, we'd all believe each other that things are alright, geez I gotta stop thinking like this, don't like this one bit, not at all.

Shit, can't stop it, the thoughts keep on coming round and round, up and down, my head feels like a big washing machine just going faster and faster. Christ I wish it would stop, no way of shutting it off, it's just gonna keep going, I deserve it I deserve it I deserve it, it's all I'm ever going to get, never gonna change, always be the same, no, no, no, yes, yes, yes, nooo, die, die, die, die, that's it, got it. Good it's stopped, now I know what to do, thank god for that, thank god that's over.

Wow feel kinda good now, nice and calm even peaceful, fantastic. Just all a matter of working out what to do, no-one else can do it for you, you have to do it yourself. Not that hard really, wish it had've come to me 20 minutes ago, wouldn't have had to go through all that bloody thinking, had the answer, had it there all the time, just didn't bloody think of it.

Can stop everything, every bloody thing that's wrong, can do it all by myself, no need for anyone else. Just to be able to think that, no matter that I'm only 13, just a kid, I can fix it, no-one else can but me. Don't gotta care about the future, don't gotta care about nothing, cause I can fix things up right now, shit this feels good, real good.

Never felt like this I don't reckon, all calm and peaceful inside, feels great, really great. For sure it's the right thing to do, time to die cause if it wasn't there's no way I'd be feeling like this, wish I'd done it sooner, would've been much better, wouldn't still be here. Still no matter I reckon, maybe before wasn't the right time, but now sure is, soon it'll all be over, no more ratpack, no more shit, no more pretending, nothing, just a long sleep, bewdy no worries.

Not gonna hurt either, not a bit, didn't know a thing about dying last time, had no idea I had til someone told me. Don't know who, can't really remember, maybe it was a nurse or a doctor, maybe mum, anyway I know someone for sure told me my heart stopped for 30-40 seconds. Didn't even feel one bad thing, not one, nothing, be ok this time too I reckon.

Even got the perfect place to do it, up at the hospital, real high up and I know how to get onto the roof, bloody lucky we went visiting up there else I wouldn't know about the roof. Pretty bloody tricky really, hope I remember that door to go in to the stairs, think it's on the third floor, yeah pretty sure that's it. Yep reckon I remember it, I can see it, maybe I should wag the rest of the day, go up there now and do it. Ar, dunno, don't wanna be here at school but don't wanna wag it either, never done that, probably get in real trouble for wagging. Anyway not real smart I don't reckon, going up to the hospital by myself in school uniform on a school day, reckon someone might notice something. Yeah just put up with it for this arv, go up after school I reckon, yeah go home get changed then do it.

# -21-

Geez, afternoon recess finished, it all seems to be going real quick, even the ratpack don't seem to be bothering me that much. Few faces, few grunts, didn't get any punches off 'em or get pushed over or anything so not bad. That's my last afternoon recess ever, never going to have one again, what a thought, what a bloody thought. Not gonna bloody miss it, not a bit, but boy just to think never again, geez that's good. On'y got a double english to go now, that won't be any problem then that's it, no more, no more forever, geez it feels strange, it's good but it's a real strange feeling, real peaceful, almost like I'm the only person in the world, nothing else matters any more all my troubles have gone, bloody fantastic.

That's it, finished, no more school, no more nothing, bloody good. Hope dad's not home when I get there, it'll be easier to get out if he isn't. Have to work out where to tell mum I'm going, cause it's a fair long way up the hospital, maybe even twice as far as school. Be no bloody good if she says be home by 1/4 to 5 or something, never make it, need longer than that for sure.

G'day mum, hello Gren how was school, good, is dad home, no he's at work. Is it ok if I go back up to school there's a cricket game starting soon, for how long, aw maybe til 5.30, well you did come home and tell me you didn't just stay there so alright you be home by 1/4 to 6, right, no later now you hear, yeah ok.

Ah see you mum, alright bye remember 1/4 to 6, yeah, well off you go why're you standing there, um just daydreaming I guess, bye. Geez, just wanted to give her a hug. I don't know why, just did, boy lucky I didn't say that, lucky I thought of daydreaming reckon she might've thought something funny was up, if I said can I have a hug.

Bloody good the old man's not here, no way would I've been able to get out if he was home, no way in the world, would've had to pretend to study. Anyway all worked out good, never saw Michelle, Isobel or Keith either, wonder where they were, no matter, wouldn't have said anything to 'em anyway so better I don't see 'em. Gotta get walking quick now, bloody long way to go, still reckon I've got plenty of time, yeah 1/4 to 6 miles of bloody time, miles of it.

Hope these bloody stairs are on the 3rd floor, think they are, shit what am I gonna do if they aren't. Bloody hell not gonna be able to ask anyone, got no reason to go up on the roof, what am I gonna say, aw I need to get up on the roof so I can jump off, yeah as if, shit, shit, shit.

Ar well, work that out when I get there I reckon, geez it's hard to walk fast, it's like my legs don't wanna go. Saw mum's notice, still in the window of the shop, a sum of money, huh bloody hell. Still, glad it's still over though, the money thing, just got too much, way too bloody much. Wonder what they're doing there, never noticed that bulldozer this morning, no it wasn't there, no matter I don't care anyway.

Tutty Tech, must be nearly half way there I reckon, won't be seeing that bloody place again. Won't miss it either, not one bit, bloody hate it geez I do. Tutty State School, was good there, liked it there, so bloody different to high school, so different. Wish I didn't have to walk right past the school but there's no other way, no way round it, gotta go right past the front.

Dunno why, but I feel a bit sad, why do I feel like this, not like an upset sort of sad but something else, bloody hell don't like it should be happy, never ever gonna have to go to that bloody school again, never. Bloody bus, if I had some money could've got the bus, be there in 10 minutes then, wouldn't have to walk forever.

Geez made it at last, bloody taken forever I reckon, ages and ages bloody legs really feel like shit, well jelly really, hard to move 'em but it's really a shit feeling. Might ask this bloke coming up the time, see how long it took. Got the time mate, yeah 4.15, thanks. 4.15 what's that, aw yeah 1/4 past 4, taken me about 40 minutes to get here, bloody long walk. Now gotta remember where to go in and shit then where to go after I go in.

Better have a think about this, a bloody good think I reckon. Ok there's the glass doors I remember going in there with mum when we visited Ian Lancaster. Think I go in them and the lifts are straight in front, yeah then I need to go up to the third floor, shit I hope it's the third floor, really do, be buggered if it's not, really bloody buggered.

Now when I get to the third floor I get out of the lift then walk straight down the corridor, yeah that's it, right to the end. Ian was in the second last room and right at the end there's a door, got stairs written on a sign on top of it, just go out there, then up to the roof, yeah should be easy.

Ok let's go, let's do it, no no think, think more sounds too easy, nothing's that easy must've bloody forgotten something. Aw yeah, yeah, don't look at anyone, don't want any questions about nothing, just wanna get up on the roof that's all, nothing else. Shit now I'm starting to puff a bit, why, why the bloody hell why, haven't been running, no reason to, shit I'll have to wait til it stops, someone'll notice me for sure if I try and go in like this.

Few deep breaths, yeah that's good, feels better, starting to not puff as much now, yeah be ok in a minute or two I reckon, thank christ for that. Righto I'm ready now, just walk up to the doors, good, good straight in, great, no-one waiting for the lift, right push the Up button, shit bloody doors opened straight away, christ that gave me a scare. Ok push the number 3 button, good doors have shut, bloody glad there's no-one else in here with me. Must be the 3rd floor, yeah the light says so, right straight out and straight down the corridor. Geez there's a few people around, lady in a wheelchair, bloke with a bag sort of thing on a pole, looks like there's a tube thing going into his arm. Shit, shit, shit don't look, don't look around just walk just walk, for chrissake, just need to get outa here, gotta get to the roof, don't want no questions, don't want none at all.

Shit here comes a nurse, bugger, bugger, bugger, what if she asks me what I'm doing, shit, didn't even think up something to say, bloody hell, shit. Aw good, great she's gone into a room, bloody good I'm not going to pass her. Probably someone sick in there needs a nurse or something, geez don't look, don't look, don't look just keep walking, not for now, can see the door, can read the sign stairs, bewdy I'm on the right floor.

Hope it's not locked, aw geez what am I gonna do if it is, what, what, aw god, please let it be open, please, please, please. You ripper it's turning it's open, made it I bloody well made it, unbelievable, hoped I would, but boy when I was standing out the front before puffing, I just didn't know. Feel like I've been in a race or something, not puffing now or anything but just feel like I've been running, really weird feeling. Still doesn't matter now, just gotta go up the stairs, then that's it.

Bewdy home free no worries no, shit legs, bloody legs coming down, shit bloody hell can't go anywhere, christ where's he coming from, who the hell is he, oh god, he's got a bloody suit and all on tried everything, shit, hello where you off to young fellow, um, just going up to see my uncle, is he a patient, yes, well there's no more wards up here just administration, aw he's up on the roof having a smoke, oh right, good he's laughing must be alright, you tell him it's no good for him, yeah I will. Geez that was a close one, ok now though, he's gone into that door down there I just passed. Wonder where that goes, thought you had to get in the lift to go to another floor, maybe you can just use the stairs, I dunno just thought they went to the roof, didn't ever think I'd bloody well see someone on 'em, no way,

Aw good, made it at last, boy that wasn't that easy not that easy at all, easy to think about, sure not easy to do. What about that bloody bloke on the stairs, wonder who the hell he was, maybe a doctor, had a suit on so he must've been real important. Don't know, how that bit about my uncle having a smoke came from, just did, like it just came out itself. Bloody good thing it did though, reckon if he hadn't have believed me I could've been in big bloody trouble. Anyway don't matter now cause I'm here, don't gotta go any further, this is it, end of the line.

Yeah end of the line, that's what dad always says, that's when the train gets to a station and there's no more, wonder how they turn 'em around, aw must have one of those turntable things, yeah must have. Can't just go like a car and turn cause they need railway tracks, wouldn't be in a circle I don't think, anyway who bloody cares yeah who cares.

Reckon I might go over there, sorta behind that wall, no-one'll see me then if they come up here, yeah good idea, no way they'll see me, least not straight away. Geez lotta cigarette butts up here, holy shit, bloody hell it's a long way down, christ I'm up high, wonder how far, dunno. Two ambulances down there, boy they look real little, long, long way up here.

Hey can count the windows over there 4, 5, 6, six of 'em on top of each other, then the roof, wow six floors, geez, never knew it was that big. Or god, there's some people over there on the other roof, they can see me I bet, still should be ok yeah they're smoking I can see the puffs, they'll just think I'm waiting for someone, yeah no need to worry about 'em I don't reckon, they'll probably go inside after they've had their smokes.

Wonder how long it'll take me to fall down there, yeah I wonder. Could drop a stone over see how quick it gets to the ground, plenty lying around. Or better not do that, get in big trouble I reckon, dropping stuff off the roof. Yeah wouldn't be the same anyway I don't reckon cause I've got a shirt and shorts on, they'd be kind of like a parachute, probably just sort of fly down, yeah not just drop all of a sudden.

Do you reckon I might sorta turn over on the way down, yeah you might, maybe like a somersault or something, yeah something like that. Reckon I need to make sure I land on my head, yeah you do, how am I gonna make sure of that, you have to, yeah but how, you just have to. Maybe I can just stand up on the edge and dive off, yeah like in the pool, yeah make sure head first, gotta smash your head real good, really gotta smash it, smash it so they can't ever fix it, yeah gotta make sure of that.

What if I just turn around if I can't help it and land on my feet, well don't, but shit if I can't help it and do, might just get a sore foot or something, yeah that'd be no good. Boy I'd be in so much bloody trouble for jumping off the hospital, shit every bloody thing's too hard. Doesn't seem to matter what I try to do nothing, bloody nothing works out easy, geez I'm sick of it, bloody sick of it.

Wonder if it's like this for everyone else, bloody can't be, used to think it was but it can't be, just me, shit I've bloody had enough of it, don't want any more. Thought I could do something about it but now I dunno, reckon if I fall the wrong way, don't land on my head, they'll just bloody take me inside and fix me up, just be more shit then, so much more. Christ just gotta stay here and think gotta work this out properly.

Not really gonna matter how much more shit you get in mate is it, nuh spose not, things are so bad now can it get any worse, nuh don't reckon, you're putting up with things now, yeah but, no buts you're getting on with things, yeah but I don't like it, yeah but you can handle the ratpack, yeah I'm used to 'em, reckon it's ever gonna change, nuh, well there you go not gonna be any different, spose not. Well why jump off, why not, that's no answer, why do it, cause there's other stuff too, what, like when dad goes mad at mum cause I'm no good at school, yeah but it's not you going mad, yeah but I don't like it don't like it when she cries and stuff. What else, aw just everyone always says how's school and I've always gotta say good, yeah well that's what kids do have to have good manners, yeah but I don't like saying it's good it's not good it's shit I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, just put up with it, why, you'll be outa there some day.

Then I'll be a no-hoper, so, well that's no good, says who, dad, wasn't he talking real nice to those blokes at his work, hey yeah he was too, he said they were no-hopers, yeah he did, they looked ok to me, yeah yeah they did. Maybe not so bad being a no-hoper, do you reckon it'd be as bad as school, nuh no way, well there you go then. Just gotta keep going least for a while be able to leave school then never ever see the ratpack again, yeah, not less you wanna, no bloody chance of that.

What about mum I reckon she'd miss you if you jump off, yeah reckon she would least for a bit, reckon she'd cry, yeah shit maybe. Don't reckon it'd worry the old man too much though, no that's for sure, what about Michelle, Isobel and Keith, don't reckon they'd be too worried, Michelle would be the oldest then, yeah she'd have to do the things you do, yeah maybe the old man would start up on her about school and stuff, yeah probably shit dunno whether she could take it.

Got the Eisteddfod next week, yeah not worried about that couldn't care about school stuff, yeah fair enough bit of stuff not at school though, yeah spose there is, didn't really think about any of that, you need to think about it now talk about it now, too late once you're falling over the edge, can't turn around and come back here, nuh no spose not.

Shit why is everything in this bloody world so complicated, always involves other people, never ever ever just about me, why the hell is that. Bloody shit, I've talked myself out of doing this now, aw christ, just gonna sit down and cry, dunno what to do, can't do nothing, can't tell anyone, sick of it, sick of it, just gotta put up with it.

Why you feeling sorry for yourself, cos I wanna, why, cos I do, does it make you feel better, yeah, how, cos it does, are things any different now to what they were yesterday and the day before and the day before that, nuh spose not, then why feel sorry for yourself now, I can't help it, yes you can, how, just stop it just gotta keep on going mate, it's hard, I know it's hard but it's not going to get any worse is it, nuh, well there you go you can put up with things, yeah, they can only get better can't they, yeah that's right, so stop crying and let's go home, yeah ok.

Third floor that's it in there straight through to the lifts, don't matter who sees me now, doesn't matter who I look at, anyone says anything I'll just tell 'em I was visiting someone, my uncle yeah. Sure feels better going out than it did coming in, bloody sight easier too, no worries at all. Better look for a clock, see what time it is, no idea at all. Hey bewdy 1/4 past 5 reckon I'll make it home if I run a bit, yeah not gonna matter if I'm 5 minutes late. Shit that bloody time worked out well, real good.

Ground, ah yes please, three other people in the lift, still doesn't matter, going out not coming in. Hey that's them two ambulances I could see from up there, sure look bloody big down here, geez that's a long way up there, anyway gotta get going gotta get going quick.

There it is, Tutty Tech, didn't think I'd ever be seeing that joint again, doesn't seem as bad now though, dunno why, when I passed it on the way up it was really bad. Things seem different for some reason, now I'm glad, real glad I didn't jump off the roof, not sure why, but things are sure different. Nothing's happened, not a bloody thing, 'cept I've walked a long way so how the hell can anything be any different, no idea, no bloody idea.

# -22-

This is right where I told mum I found that $10, nearly home, can't believe it, nearly home and I'm glad I am. Why, why should I be glad, not like there's anything here now that there wasn't before, so why should I feel like this? Is it cause I didn't jump off the roof, don't reckon cause if it is I don't even know it. Just for no reason I've changed, bloody better than it was before, that's for sure, but why, why.

Still gonna have the ratpack on me all the time, no way they'll ever let up, still got the old man gonna be carrying on about school and stuff, still gonna be pulling faces and doing grunts, nothing different, nothing at all. Just like, for some reason, things aren't bad anymore, but what, there's gotta be a reason, there's gotta be something that's made me feel like this. Must've been myself maybe, could've been, yeah must've sure as hell wasn't anyone else, didn't talk to anyone only myself.

No way you can talk to anyone else when you're 13, try and talk to mum and dad and it's like, they know what's best for you, you don't know nothing cause you're just a kid. Can't tell 'em about the ratpack, school or anything, cause if I did I'd just get in real big trouble, they'd be like you've been lying to us, telling us everything's ok and it's not. All of a sudden it'd be like it's all m;y fault, I'm to blame for everything. Nuh there's nothing, absolutely bloody nothing I can do, just put up with things the way they are, guess that's what you gotta do when you're a kid.

Pretend, that's it, bloody pretend things are ok, just get on with it keep pretending, things'll work out sometime. Least I don't gotta go to the shrink anymore, heard the old man saying about how much it cost and if I wasn't gonna talk it was a waste of money. Stupid, just a bloody stupid thing in the first place, I mean why go there and pay money, then he pretends and I pretend and it's all like for what, nothing, when we finished he said good, good, what was good, nothing, all he was doing was pretending, guess we were both glad it was over.

Not to worry, he wasn't a big deal anyway didn't bother me, got a day no two days off school too, so you do get things by pretending, it's not all for nothing. Yeah just need to keep on going, then things can work out, don't even need to try and get them to, they just do, strange that.

Lots of things though, so many that once they've happened if you don't say straight away, it's like, it's your fault, it's like you've gotta dob on other kids, and if you don't, then it's as much your fault as theirs. Don't get that one, I reckon adults pretend all the bloody time, but it's like it's ok for them, but not for me, cause I'm just a kid.

No chance of me talking to mum or dad, huh especially dad, not a hope, all he does is use words like nous, initiative, career, education, future, homework, heaps more just goes on and on. What does any of it mean, to me nothing, bloody nothing, no way I can tell him that though, no way, that's not what he wants to hear, I gotta say what he wants to hear, stay in the good books, keep pretending everything's ok.

Even says stuff like don't worry about what the other kids do, let 'em muck up they'll get nowhere they'll be no-hopers. So what, so what about that, doesn't matter now does it, not important at all, can't no way not worry about what other kids do, especially the ratpack, I see 'em every bloody day, they're the only people I see, all day, every day I'll be seeing 'em forever, that's what's important, just gotta get through each day, forget the future, that's miles away, who cares.

Now what's important, hey maybe that I've worked it out, that I can handle it now, and I've done it myself I feel like this. Reckon that might be right, there was no one else could've helped me, not like I helped myself, only get to hear that stupid grown up stuff, don't mean nothing.

Not even worried about my next report book now, should get it real soon too. Don't matter, gonna say the same stuff, should pay more attention, doesn't participate in class, da, da, da, da, da, da, it's all just like a bloody game we're all playing, teachers write it and what they're writing's true but there's so much more, there's just so bloody much more. Still guess they can only write so much, gotta lot of kids. Then you take the report book home, dad reads it then he pretends, pretends to be surprised why, always gonna happen, probably just likes to go off.

Never, ever gonna be any different, why pretend, dunno guess that's what you have to do have to do it all the time. Anyway spose I don't gotta know about everything, how can I anyway, I'm just a kid, least that's what they tell me all the time. Wonder what's for tea, hey hope it's bangers and mash I'm starving, bloody starving.

