I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE
THAT HAS GOT ME VERY EXCITED.
YOU ALL KNOW SPACEX, THE ROCKET
DESIGN AND MANUFACTURING COMPANY
STARTED BY TESLA FOUNDER
ELON MUSK?
TODAY, THEY DID A TEST LAUNCH OF
THEIR BIGGEST ROCKET YET, THE
FALCON HEAVY.
CHECK IT OUT.
>> THREE, TWO, ONE.
( CHEERS )
>> Stephen: WOOOOO!
GBABY, GO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND THAT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING.
THE FALCON HEAVY'S BOOSTERS
DISENGAGED AND HAD TO LAND
SAFELY ON LANDING PADS WITH
PINPOINT ACCURACY.
CHECK THAT OUT!
>> AND THE FALCONS HAVE LANDED!
>> Stephen: THE FALCONS HAVE
LANDED!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE FALCONS!
THE FALCONS HAVE LAND!
SCREW THE EAGLES!
THE FALCONS WIN THE SUPERBOWL!
GIVE THEM THE TROPHY!
BUT HERE'S THE KICKER-- THIS IS
THE REALLY EXCITING PART.
THE LAUNCH WAS TO DEMONSTRATE
THAT THE FALCON WAS NOT ONLY
REUSABLE, BUT CAN CARRY A LARGE
PAYLOAD.
SO TO TEST IT, ELON MUSK SENT UP
HIS OWN TESLA CONVERTIBLE WITH A
DUMMY ASTRONAUT AT THE WHEEL
WHILE BLASTING DAVID BOWIE'S
"LIFE ON MARS."
THAT'S RIGHT THIS IS TRUE-- A
GIANT PHALLUS CRANKING ROCK 'N'
ROLL, RELEASING A RED
CONVERTIBLE INTO THE DARK VOID.
AND THE AWARD FOR MOST MIDLIFE
CRISIS GOES TO ELON MUSK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO WHAT WE SAW JUST THERE, WHAT
WE SAW JUST THERE OF THE CAR WAS
AN ANIMATION.
HERE'S A LIVE STREAM RIGHT NOW
FROM CAR AS IT HEADS THROUGHER
SPACE.
AND ON THE TOUCHSCREEN IT SAYS,
"DON'T PANIC."
WHICH, AS WE ALL KNOW, IS A
REFERENCE TO "HITCHHIKERS GUIDE
TO THE GALAXY."
WE GET IT, MUSK-- YOU'RE KING
NERD.
I RELINQUISH MY CROWN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HERE-- COME CLAIM IT.
COME CLAIM IT, GALACTUS.
SO NOW FALCON WILL ORBIT THE SUN
BEORE HEADING TO MARS, WHERE
MUSK SAYS THE TESLA WILL BE IN
DEEP SPACE FOR A BILLION YEARS
OR SO IN MARS ORBIT.
NO SURPRISE-- I MEAN, YOU GOTTA
CIRCLE MARS FOREVER TO FIND
PARKING.
MEANWHILE, IN THE OTHER
FRONTIERS OF SCIENCE-- SNACK
FOOD--
YESTERDAY, NEWS EXPLODED ONLINE
THAT PEPSI'S C.E.O,
INDRA NURI, HINTED ON A PODCAST
THAT DORITOS IS MAKING "LADY
FRIENDLY" CHIPS THAT DON'T
CRUNCH, FOR WOMEN.
NOT ONLY THAT, BUT IF IT DOES
MAKE NOISE, IT WILL BE
IMMEDIATELY INTERRUPTED BY A
CRUNCHING OF A MALE CHIP.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, IF YOU'RE WONDERING, IF
YOU'RE WONDER AGO AS I AM--
"WHY, GOD, WHY?" IT TURNS OUT
THAT PEPSICO, WHO OWNS DORITOS,
CLAIMS THAT RESEARCH HAS FOUND
WOMEN DO NOT LIKE TO CRUNCH
LOUDLY OR LICK THEIR FINGERS
WHEN EATING IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
WHAT KIND OF DISGUSTING FOCUS
GROUP WAS THAT?
( LAUGHTER )
"HEY, LADY, LICK YOUR FINGERS.
DID YOU LIKE THAT?
DID YOU LIKE ME WATCHING YOU?
THIS IS FOR SCIENCE."
NO, NO, NO.
I STAY BEHIND THE MIRROR.
ONLY I GET TO SEE.
NOW, THE LADY CHIPS WOULD BE
PALATABLE IN OTHER WAYS, TOO.
THEY WOULD BE DESIGNED TO FIT IN
HANDBAGS.
I DON'T KNOW IF WOMEN NEED HELP
FITTING FOOD IN THEIR HANDBAGS.
IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN TO A
BUFFET WITH MY AUNT NOREEN,
SHE'LL ROLL UP WITH A PURSE FOR
ENOUGH SHRIMP FOR A MONTH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
