 
### Table of Contents

Title Page

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Lawyer & Courtroom Jokes

Is That You Again?

Teamwork

Bailing Out

Do the Math

One Step Ahead

Trustworthy Professionals

No Credibility

The Right Stuff

He Looks Like a Crook

Sticker Shock

Special Treatment

Endangered Species

I'll Take a Dozen of Those

Can You Say Oxymoron?

You Can Spot One a Mile Away

The Lesser of Two Evils

Scientific Progress

A Meaty Case

We Have Our Standards

Made You Look

Don't Ask -- Don't Tell

Night Court

Engineer in Hell

Let's Cut to the Chase *

There's Plenty for Everyone

Powerful Message

Justifiable Crime

Illegitimate Gains

Reduced Charges

Cross Examination

Cough it Up

Just Keeping in Practice

What Am I?

Noncommittal Responses

Unusual Circumstances

Good for Business

Divine Matrimony

Law Partners

I'm Offended

Lawyers Screwing in Light Bulbs

Talking Shop *

Legal Fees

Two Young to Understand

Lawyers Playing Golf

The Brass Rat

Armed Robery

Which Came First?

Wide Selection

Status Sybmols

Admission Test

The Math Test

Hunting for a Lawyer

Ducks in Court **

Eating an Eagle

Law School Lesson

Emergency Landing

Confusing Verdict

Thieves and Lawyers

Last Will and Testament

The Judge's Coffee

Where is the Loot?

Be With You in a Minute

Double or Nothing

Charitable Contributions

Close Enough

Take Precautions **

The Bull and the Train

Reduced Charge

Generous Lawyer

An Expensive Funeral

Two Tigers

Bank Robbery

Lawyers Served Here

Please Answer the Question

Unfair Punishment

Justice Prevailed

Draw the Blinds

Locking the Safe

The Farmer's Divorce

A Really Bad Assignment

Bear Abuse

Blook Test Results

Belated Divorce

Accountant and the Lawyer

What is It?

Costly Comments

Nag, Nag, Nag

Disgusting Offense

The Church Steeple

Old Veterans Claim

I'm Under Oath

Arrest My Lawyer

Excess Baggage

Smart Defendant

Insurance Proceeds

Courthouse Janitor

Fee for Service

Faulty Tire Suit

Pregnant Woman on the Bus

Paternity Trial

Space for Rent **

Well Prepared Witness

Contract with the Devil

Very Honest Lawyer

The Lawyer's Appeal

Bad Legal Advice

Lawyers and the Truth

You're Beautiful

Blondes and the Law

the Blonde Juror *

I Can't Wait

Guilty of Bigamy

Supermarket Shoplifter

Make it a Scotch

Chapter 2 - Marriage & Relationship Jokes

That's My Story

Poker Night Strategy

Spanish Sheepherder

Sell Alll My Stuff

Keeping Myself Pure

When on Mars *

The Full Meal Deal

Bovine Fantasy

The Butler Did It

Sign Language *

Blunt Question

Slow Play

The Perfect Husband

I've Got Everything I Need

All Mixed Up

Vacation Trip

Who Was That Woman?

Tell Me the Truth

Costume Party

Fiftieth Anniversary

Home Repairs

My Wife is Poisoning Me

Now That's Respect

You Don't Understand

The American Way

Computer Password

Three Day Drunk

You've been Golfing

Picture Perfect

I'm Not Afraid

He Says -- She Says

Holiday Spirit **

Music Calms the Savage Beast

You Missed the Point

Do as You Wish

The CIA Interview

Sex by the Numbers

An Appropriate Present

You've Been Drinking Again

Let's Pretend

Firming Up *

Twenty Years Ago Today

Good Neighbor Plan

Before it Starts

Richly Adorned

The Bodybuilder

Fancy Roping *

Complete Coverage

Dishonorable Wife

Anniversary Wishes

New Approach

Bucket and Saucer Method *

I'll Give it a Try **

Escaped Convict

An Ounce of Prevention

Something Really Cheap

Dark in Here

One More Time

The Shoe Box

Your Choice **

Night School *

Reduced Charges

Your Order is Ready

In the Beginning

Johnny's New Bike

Stress Relief

Fruitful Description

Assertive Husband

The Golf Fanatic

Breast Enhancement

Aging Romance

Just Too Secret

Wise Investments

Can You Spare Two Bucks

How Should I Know?

Vengeance is Mine

How Can I Know for Sure

Big Gas Barbecue

Never Again

Too Close for Comfort

She's a Real Doll

Just Like a Woman

Cheap Porsche

Life's Progression

Practice What You Preach **

There by My Side

Strange Routine

The Chastity Belt

The Matrimony Test

On Her Knees

Severe Stress Disorder

The Family Tree

You Talk Too Much

Doctor Feelgood **

No Doze

Cheap Shots in the Bar

The Fishing Trip

Rigged Contest

Reflect on This

Adam and Eve

Wishing for Wine **

Tough Wish

Blonde Husband

The New Maid

An Important Question

A Close Call *

The Last to Know

Dying for Some Lefse

Snails for Dinner

Vicious Dog

Wild Ride

Still Too Much

Endearing Names

Way Too Honest ***

How Much for Mine ***

Two New Words *

Ride'em Cowboy **

The Helpful Wife

Blind Date

The Perfect Golf Shot

Dearly Departed

I'm the Boss

Flavor of the Day ***

Halloween Party

The Pet Frog **

Deathbed Confession

Literally Speaking *

Great Birthday Gift

Five Stages of Marital Sex *

I'll Do the Next One

Doggie Style

Spend all My Money **

The Loving Wife

The Farmer's Divorce

The School Play

Becomming a Better Person

A Survey Discrepancy

Powerful Pills

Retiring Mailman *

Early Release

The Doctor's Wife

On the Road Again

The Artist and the Model

Office Party Fiasco **

Anniversary Gifts

Lunch and Marriage

Knowing When it's Right

The Hotel Bellboy

To Be Ten Again

Spice Up Your Sex Life

Serious Burnout

Knee Pains **

You Need to Cut Back

Were You Faithful?

Mistaken Identity

Reconstructive Surgery

Working Too Hard

His Last Request

Trouble in Eden

Biblical PMS

He Looked Very Angry

The Exterminator

False Pretenses *

Passing Notes **

Parrot with No Legs **

a Peculiar Problem **

New Rifle Scope **

Life of the Party

Coconut Tree Perspecitve *

The Golden Urinal

A Shorter Line

Calling Hubby at Work

Stranger in My Bed *

Nag, Nag, Nag

Disgusting Offense

Family Discussion

Thrifty Obituary

Hey Crisco

The Baby Photographer

The Afterlife

The Best Toast

Big Game Hunter **

Going to Las Vegas

Empty Pay Envelope

Shower Room Scandal

Wild Newfie Sex *

You Won't Respect Me ***

Thrown Out of Bed

Let's Negotiate **

Additional Income

Dearly Departed Husband **

Dusty Shorts

Fighting the Fire

When I Get Home *

Suburban Sex Survey

Girls Night Out **

Made Him a Millionaire

Wrong Finger

Experienced Fruit Picker

I've Lost My Wife

Have Some Fun

Husbands and Cars

Husbands and Sports

Do Anything You Want

The Bad Looser

The Wolf Man's Wife

The Aroused Gorilla

I Want Her Back Again

Speech Impediment

Anniversary Presents *

Great Prices

The Math Professor **

Free at Last *

God's Gift to Women *

How Many Women?

American Beer *

Always That Doubt

A Scrote *

What is the Problem?

Biker with a Hangover

Whatever You Need

Just Hold Me

Food Factory Workers

Ted's Vacation

Without My Glasses

Anniversary Flowers

College Majors

Efficiency Expert

Down for the Count

Female Controller

Almost Inseparable

Leaving You for Good

What Did You Do All Day?

Straight Talk **

Dead Pussy *

The Perfect Day **

Outrageous Climaxes

Soft Boiled Eggs

Cigarettes and Tampons

Relatively Speaking

Marriage Seminar

Supermarket Shoplifter

Drown Your Sorrows

Three Unfaithful Wives

No Bed of Roses

The Starter Pistol **

Which is Worse?

Worried Womanizer

Need Some Variety **

Stupid Wives

Ten Year Bender

Thoughtful Hubby

Special Anniversary

Chapter 3 - Medical & Hospital Jokes

Going Up **

Urine Sample

What's Up Doc?

Horrible Headaches

Looks Bad but Feels Good

Old Doctor's New Practice

I'll Give it a Try **

Career Potential *

It Makes Me Sick ***

Flavor of the Day ***

Do You Know What I'm Doing? **

Taking Charge

Babies by the Number

Rare Disease

Bad Gas

I Can Take It All

Mystery Marks **

Minor Surgery

Quality Medical Care *

Delayed Reaction *

Theology of Health

Lost Track

Basic Training

What's Going On?

Hungry Baby

Doctor's Orders

First Things First

Fully Operational

No Special Privileges

Final Justice

Professional Ethics *

Red Tape

Sticker Shock

Proctologist Exam

Your Order is Ready

Just to be Safe

Cross Examination

Blonde on a Diet

A Rare Condition

Top Notch Condition

A Long Life Ahead

This Pen Won't Write

Unusual Reaction

How Can I Know for Sure

Big for My Age

Which Came First

Rough Treatment **

Not a Problem

Too Much Testosterone

God Looks After Me

Severe Stress Disorder

Doctor Feelgood *

Ed Zachery Disease

Extreemly Bad Luck

A Pair of Bad Memories

Can You Hear Me Now?

You Got Me Pregnant

A Post Turtle

They Just Keep a Coming

Redneck Birth Control

Southern Sex Education *

Lab Test Specimens

An Important Question

Nonfatal Gun Shot Wound

Deadly Habits

The English Patient

A Healthy Walk

Powerful Prescription **

Surgical Solution **

No Surgery Required *

Mysterious Happenings

International Sex Research *

It Could be Worse

Six Foot Cockroach

Graphic Lesson

How Long Have I Got?

A Healthy Move

Medical Terminology

Tools of the Trade

Runs in the Family

Special Birthday Dedication

You've Got Rabies

A Very Bad Cold

Don't Get Excited

Really Bad News

A Big Weight Problem

The Starving Artist

Take Your Medicine

Cardiologist's Funeral

Only One Explanation

Reflective Examination *

Excess Blood Loss

Diplomatic Analogy

Constipated Russian

Take Precautions **

Emergency Call

Miracle Doctor

Two Red Ears

Coffee Complications

Acute Appendicitis

Blind Golfers

College Pride **

Draw the Blinds

Dislodging the Bee **

Powerful Pills

Interesting Prescription

A Touch of Pneumonia

Two Minute Contractions

The Doctor's Wife

The Plumber's Bill

The Mechanic's Bill

Playing Doctor

Checking on a Patient

Walking the Patient

Treating the Veterinarian

Sheep's Heart

Two Doctors in Bed

Duck Hunting Doctors

Healthy Family

Adjustable Face Lift

Elderly Virgin *

Wrinkle Removal

Birth Control Pills

Sex Drive Adjustment

Take in a Boarder

Terrible Car Accident *

Nice Hot Bath

What's the Good News?

Incorrect Diagnosis

Just Like Heart Surgery

One Thing at a Time

Spice Up Your Sex Life

Feminine Hygiene

Suppository Insertion ***

Vasectomy Gone Awry

The Naval Surgeon

Two Proctologists

Doctor's Dinner Speech

Read the Small Print

Childbirth Pain

Gynecology Preference

Old Gynecologist

Miracle Antibiotic

Mother's Milk

Serious Burnout

Reasonable Fee *

Burning Sensation

Tapeworm Treatment *

Wrong Procedure *

Artificial Insemination **

An Unusual Ear Problem

Pre-surgery Examination

The Onion **

Knee Pains **

You Need to Cut Back

Living a Long Time

About Your Prescription

A Drinking Problem

But I've Got Good News

Gender Analysis **

A Medical Emergency

A Change for the Worse

The Redneck's Bad Breath

Leroy's Vasectomy

Switching Sides

Helpful Faith Healer

You're Beautiful

What's Wrong with Me?

A Small Problem

Whip Me

Medical Marvels

Three Surgeons

A Logical Response

Brokeback Mountain

Just One Abnormality

A Long Life

Quality Health Care

Which is Worse?

Sounds Scary

Performance Pills **

Checking the Axle

Twice a Day

Virginity Snapping *

A Rich Doctor

Batttlefield Surgery

Redneck Testicles

Jesse Jackson

Way Too Long

Nothing to be Scared About

The Wild Implant *

Doctors and Lawers **

Cheaper Than Surgery **

Troubling Prescription

Sexually Related Problem **

Shock Therapy

Plumber's House Call

Fee for Service

Serious Surgery

The Physical Exam

A Matter of Perspective

American Beer *

What is the Problem?

Insomniac Account

All Mixed Up

The Motorcycle Mechanic

Cause and Effect

Terry's Joke Collection

Books by Terry Eade

#

# Terry's Joke Collection

# Volume V

Lawyer to Medical Jokes

# Terry Eade

Copyright 2017 Terry Eade

Smashwords Edition

ISBN 9781370389643
Introduction

Illustration by Terry Eade

This is the fifth of nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection. The collection has been broken up into separate volumes to keep each book under a thousand pages. This has been done for storage and data transmission purposes. There are fifty-two chapters, with each chapter covering a specific category of jokes. This makes it easier to find a joke, which fits the occasion or topic.

Each joke has a title and is listed in the table of contents in the appropriate chapter so that it can be accessed directly by just clicking on its title. Jokes are also annotated to let the reader know if it is appropriate for the occasion or audience where you are telling the joke. This scale is explained at the beginning of each chapter. Although the number of chapters in each volume range from three to ten, most of the volumes contain about the same number of jokes. A complete listing of all volumes in this series is provided at the end of this book.

The advantage of having these books in electronic format is that you can view them on your smart phone, tablet, ebook reader, or computer. You can specify the size of the print they will appear in, so they are easy for you to read. You can also use your device's ebook reader software to electronically bookmark a joke you want to quickly access. Because they are stored as books in your mobile device library you can have them with you wherever you go, without needing a wi-fi connection, a cell phone connection, or using any of your data allowance.

The size and weight of this information in traditional print books would take a whole suitcase to store and that suitcase would weigh a ton. Now you can have thousands of jokes with you on your phone. So you should never have to apologize because you can't remember a great joke you would like to tell or forget the punch line of one you are trying to tell from memory.

Even if you're not the type of person who enjoys telling jokes, you will get hours of enjoyment reading those provided in this book and the other eight volumes of the Terry's Joke Collection series. Also. if you are like me, you will find your favorites and enjoy reading them over and over. When I am telling jokes to my friends they will have their favorites and request them for any new person in the group or just to hear them again. Virtually any time I am telling jokes to my friends they will say "Tell the one about the Foreign Legion captain and the camel, the taxidermist in the redneck bar, or the general and the motor pool." The titles of the jokes are descriptive, but designed to not give away the punch line of the joke.

Those reading solely for entertainment should make sure they take note of the joke rating notations explained at the beginning of each chapter. This way they are warned in advance that a joke may be racier or raunchier than they would like. Just as I do not want to offend my audience when telling a joke, I do not want to offend my readers by having them read a joke which might offend, shock, or embarrass them.

My collection of jokes started at a very young age. When I was just seven years old, my sixteen-year-old cousin would tell me jokes while we were riding the tractor together on his parents' farm in Michigan. He told me about the facts of life so I could understand the humor in the jokes. These "facts" were quickly validated, by watching the animals on the farm.

Since I had been exposed to a great number of more sophisticated jokes than my grade school companions, I became the one to tell jokes in the school yard. Because I was an army brat, and attended more schools than grades as I moved to new cities, states, and countries, I became the Johnny Appleseed of joke telling.

When I went to college my joke telling paid off in other ways. As long as I would tell jokes to my friends and classmates at the local college tavern, they would buy me beer. Since I was working my way through college, free beer was a great luxury as well as a vital part of the college experience.

Later, when I began teaching college courses, giving seminars, accepting speaking engagements, and serving as the MC at various functions, my jokes would often spice up otherwise dull subjects and events. Having a love of telling jokes and a very good memory, I retain the jokes and can still tell thousands from memory. My ability to do this is based on a trick I learned about public speaking. That trick is not to memorize the joke word for word, but to just remember the concept and the punch line and wing the rest. I also embellished my joke telling skills by adopting various accents and sound effects, which fit with the joke I was telling.

Whenever I told jokes in an informal setting, my companions would also share their favorite jokes and I would add those to my collection. Friends and relatives, who knew I was always looking for a new joke, emailed a great number of my jokes to me. As a result, my collection has grown so large that it takes nine volumes to tell them all. If you find a joke that is not included in my collection, please send it to me at teade@mac.com.

Although I have made up a few of the jokes in my collection, most of them are in the public domain. So, although the books are copyrighted, the jokes are not. Being an amateur cartoonist, I have also drawn all of the illustrations in the books and these are copyrighted as well.

All nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection, as well as several other books I have authored, are available online from Barnes & Noble, the Apple iBookstore, Amazon.com, or directly from the publisher at smashwords.com (where I get a bigger royalty). Just go to any of those sites and search for "Terry Eade." 

# Chapter 1

# Lawyer & Courtroom Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a laweyer in hell may appear here and in the Heaven & Hell Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Is That You Again?

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

# Teamwork

A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.

One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.

Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.

He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer."

And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."

# Bailing Out

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest rode in a small private plane. Engine trouble developed. Despite the pilot's efforts, the plane started down. The pilot grabbed a parachute, told the passengers to jump, and he bailed out.

But there were only three parachutes left. The doctor grabbed one and said, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live." He jumped.

The lawyer said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back and said, "Not to worry, father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my backpack."

# Do the Math

A lawyer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question , and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" This catches the engineer's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'" The lawyer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, more that a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep."

# One Step Ahead

A group of programmers and a group of lawyers are traveling to a convention on the same train. Each of the lawyers have purchased a ticket but the programmers have pooled their money and only purchased one ticket. The lawyers can't figure out how all the programmers are going to get to ride with only one ticket.

Just before the conductor comes into the car all of the programmers pile into one of the restrooms. The conductor collects a ticket from each of the lawyers and then noticing that the "occupied" sign is showing on the restroom, knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket please." When he does the programmers shove the single ticket under the door and the conductor takes the ticket and proceeds to the next car.

The lawyers think this is very smart, so on the trip back they only purchase one ticket. This time the programmers don't purchase any tickets at all. Now the lawyers are really baffled on how the programmers can get by without even a single ticket. This time when the conductor is coming the programmers all pile into the first restroom and the lawyers all pile into the second restroom. Then just before the conductor arrives one of the programmers comes out of the first restroom, goes over to the second restroom, where the lawyers are, knocks on the door and says "Ticket please."

# Trustworthy Professionals

A dying man gathered his lawyer, doctor and clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor and cergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The doctor, moved by the gentle clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.

# No Credibility

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in that one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. "What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

# The Right Stuff

NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

# He Looks Like a Crook

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."

# Sticker Shock

A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"

"What type?" the woman asked.

"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.

"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."

"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.

"Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs."

"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied.

# Special Treatment

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

# Endangered Species

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings.

Only a brief flight from the welcome, St. Peter brings them down on the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, St. Peter announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity. "Hot Dang", the Pope says to himself, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my place!".

They take flight once again, and as St. Peter leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. St. Peter indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey St. Peter! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"

St. Peter looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "We've got lots of Popes up here, but this is our first Lawyer!!"

# I'll Take a Dozen of Those

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

# Can You Say Oxymoron?

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

# You Can Spot One a Mile Away

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air,

George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are."

Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.

George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground." So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?"

The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air."

George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer."

Harry says "How can you tell?"

George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."

# The Lesser of Two Evils

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's teenage daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

# Scientific Progress

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2) Lawyers breed faster.

3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4) There are some things even a rat won't do.

However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.

# A Meaty Case

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50," says the butcher, " your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The next day the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 for legal consultation. 

# We Have Our Standards

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.

The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"

The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"

The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered... 

# Made You Look

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

# Don't Ask -- Don't Tell

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

# Night Court

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself. The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."

The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research' by now. My computer sez you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested." This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation. The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker." Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick."

# Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell so, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an Engineer? It's a mistake- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an Engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him.

God says, "Send him back up here or else I'll sue you."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?!"

# Let's Cut to the Chase *

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "Let's cut to the chase, I'll screw anybody, any time, any place, it doesn't matter to me as long as the money is right."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding, are you a hooker?"

"No," replies the woman, "I'm an lawyer."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# There's Plenty for Everyone

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two hobos eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one hobo.

"We don't have any money for food.", the hobo replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other hobo.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second hobo answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

# Powerful Message

Two teenage boys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two teenagers were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles, a large one and a small one, and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, your honor," said the second teenager, "I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison..."

# Justifiable Crime

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner who passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

# Illegitimate Gains

Paul had just sued the insurance company for a million bucks, because he had alledgedly sustained substantial permanent injuries in an accident. Since the insurance company was unable to prove Paul's injuries were not serious and permanent, he pervailed and received the total amont requested. As he was leaving the courthouse with his neck brace, full body cast, and walker, the insurance company lawer came up to him and issued a warning.

"I know that you are a phoney -- but you were too smart and I couldn't get any evidence on you before this court case. However, since you have made me lose my job over this case, I am going to follow you for the rest of your life to prove it. Someday you are going to slip up and I will get the goods on you and you will have to give all of this money back and will end up in jail for perjury. So you see, you never be able to enjoy your ill begotten wealth."

"Well," says Paul, "since you are planning to follow me for the rest of my life, I will make it easier for you. Here is my itinerary. I plan to catch a cab to the airport, then a flight to New York. From New York I plan to fly to Paris, France. I will stay overnight in Paris and then take the morning train to Lourdes. From the train station in Lourdes I will take a cab to the cave of St. Bernadette and then you are going to see the damndest miracle you have ever seen."

# Reduced Charges

Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested earlier this week for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

The sister, however, was not as accurate as Lorena. She missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg causing severe muscle and tendon damage.

After considerable legal wrangling and plea bargianing by her defence attorney the charge has been reduced from assault with a deadly weapon to a misdeWIENER !!

# Cross Examination

An attorney is cross examining a doctor who has given expert testomony in court on the basis of an autopsy he had conducted on the deceased.

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

A: "No."

Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?"

A: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.."

# Cough it Up

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a navy blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before -- it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney."

# Just Keeping in Practice

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

# What Am I?

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, right on his nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, have long silky ears, and a fluffy tail ... you must be a rabbit.

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

# Noncommittal Responses

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge.

The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?"

The man said, "Here and there."

The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"

The man said, "This and that."

The judge then said, "Take him away."

The man said, "Wait, judge when will I get out?"

The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later.

# Unusual Circumstances

The old farmer decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning the farmer.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I was headed down the road--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well yes, but there is more to it than that, you see--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in the farmer's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I was driving down the highway with my horse in the trailer and my dog in the back of the pickup, when this huge semi-truck and trailer came around the curve passing another truck in a no passing zone. The only thing I could do to avoid a collision was to crash through the guard rail and go down a steep embankment.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. First he came to the overturned trailer and saw my horse with a broken leg. He took out his revolver and shot her in the head. Then he came down the hill a little farther and saw my dog who had been tossed out of the back of the pickup and had a broken back. He again took out his revolver and shot the dog in the head.

Then with his revolver still in his hand he came down to where I was pined under the truck and said :"How are you doing?"

# Good for Business

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

# Divine Matrimony

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them.

They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months passed and finally Peter returned.

"Yes, we can do this for you."

"Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out there's a possibility that we could be divorced?'

To which St. Peter answered "It took me six months to find a priest up here...how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

# Law Partners

A lawyer named Fred lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a decade and I'm leaving my entire estate to your wife, so she will finally be able to leave you. I should feel guilty about all those things, but you are such a duffus you would probably never be able to figure it out."

"Well," says Jack, "I'm not quite the duffus you think I am Fred. I know all about the things you have just told me. I have also been stealing from the company and I have altered the books so that all of the losses will be blamed on you. As the wounded party I will make a claim which will wipe out your entire estate.

I will then take all your money, plus all the money I've been stealing, and buy a villa in the South of France for your grieving widow and myself. Bye the way, I've been having an affair with your wife for the past twenty years and that is why she replaced your heart medication with sugar pills."

# I'm Offended

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is.

All he says is, "All lawyers are assholes."

A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"

The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

He replies, "No, I'm an asshole."

# Lawers Screwing in Light Bulbs

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination ofthe area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do som the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'

# Talking Shop *

Two lawyers are walking down the street, when a beautiful woman walks by.

"Boy, I'd like to screw her," says one lawyer.

"I agree," says the other.

"But out of what?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Legal Fees

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.

"Fifty dollars for three questions, " replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

# Too Young to Understand

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney., but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

# Lawyers Playing Golf

Two lawyers, John and Ted, head out for their usual round of golf. John offers Ted a fifty dollar bet. Ted agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 17 th hole, Ted is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 18 th.

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to John. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a two stroke penalty, Ted secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," John says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy fifty bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' John says. ''I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!'

# The Brass Rat

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.

"Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly.

"Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?"

"Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"

# Armed Robery

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

# Which Came First

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.

The doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?"

"No," said the rabbi. ''It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world."

"Wait," said the engineer, "The world was created in six days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized, civilized place from utter chaos?"

"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...

# Wide Selection

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic,swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000.

The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus.It's $150,000.

The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

"Yes, but it's from a laywer. It's never been used."

# Status Symbols

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

# Admission Test

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.

The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, "Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?" "Phew, that one's easy," says the teacher, "The Titanic."

"Alright," said St.Peter, "you may pass."

Then the thief got his question: "How many died on the Titanic?"

The thief replied, "That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people."

And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: "Name them."

# The Math Test

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked, ''What is 2+2?''

The engineer thought awhile, worked the problem on his slide rule, and finally answered, ''four.''

Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question.

He thought about it for a few moments, did a few quick calculations on a sheet of paper and replied, ''4.0''

Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question.

The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathememitician, ''What do you want it to be?'

# Hunting for a Lawer

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout 'whiplash', 'ambulance', or 'free Perrier' for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

# Ducks in Court **

Three mallard ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for lewd and licentious conduct. The next morning, they were called to appear in court.

The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"

"I was just blowing bubbles."

The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question.

"Judge, I was just blowing bubbles."

He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess - you were blowing bubbles too?"

"No, I'm Bubbles."

_** Risque_

# Eating an Eagle

A man is caught by a forest ranger, sitting at a makeshift campfire eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently jailed for the crime. Here's what happens at the trial:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes, I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a bald eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle which had landed on a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I'd killed it, I might as well eat it, since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground. And that, you honor, was when the good ranger found me."

Judge: "The court will recess while we consider your testimony."

Fifteen minutes later...

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The judge then leans over the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe is it's somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

# Law School Lesson

One day in contract law class, a professor asked one of his better students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid.

"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed.

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

# Emergency Landing

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

# Confusing Verdict

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.

The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman, and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

# Thieves and Lawyers

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed, "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"

# Last Will and Testament

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"

# The Judge's Coffee

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

# Where is the Loot?

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'

# Be With You in a Minute

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay," he said, "but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

# Double or Nothing

A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."

"What catch?" the man asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"What is your third and final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"

# Charitable Contributions

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your

research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has

medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

# Close Enough

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.

"What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

# Take Precautions **

A woman goes to her doctor and says, "Doctor, my husband has developed a penchant for anal sex. So I came to you for advice."

"Ok, let's see...does it hurt you?"

"Hmmmm .. a little."

"Do you like it?"

"Hmmm ..... well, yes."

"Then, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't do it. If you take care about not getting pregnant."

"Getting pregnant? I didn't know you could get pregnant in that way."

"Of course you can. Where do you think all lawyers come from?"

_** Risque_

# The Bull and the Train

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

# Reduced Charge

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:

manslaughter!

Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!"

# Generous Lawyer

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.

# An Expensive Funeral

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man.

I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

# Two Tigers

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?"

The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

# Bank Robbery

Two lawyers are in a bank, when suddenly armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"

Lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

# Lawyers Served Here

A Redneck walked into a bar in Georgia, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Yes we do," said the bartender.

"Good," replied the redneck. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

# Please Answer the Question

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

The prosecutor again blared, "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

# Unfair Punishment

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer making love to a beautiful woman.

"That's not fair," he complained. "I face torment for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it making love to a beautiful woman."

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question her punishment?"

# Justice Prevailed

Many years ago, a junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed."

The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."

# Draw the Blinds

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

# Locking the Safe

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.

"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

# The Farmer's Divorce

A redneck farmer from Alabama walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

# A Really Bad Assignment

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny.

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Johnny. "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

# Bear Abuse

Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?"

"No," Baby Bear replies, "he beats me."

Then the judge asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?"

"No," Baby Bear replies, "she beats me too."

So the Judge says, "Who do you want to live with then?"

Baby Bear replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don't beat anybody."

# Blood Tests Results

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back from the lab, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

# Belated Divorce

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce proceedings," she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."

# Accountant and the Lawyer

After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.

He immediately called his accountant and his lawyer to his room. He asked the accountant to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

After standing for some time, the accountant asked "What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing, said the sick man, "just stand there."

A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing, said the sick man, "just stand there."

As the hours wore on, the accountant and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the accountant and the lawyer again asked "Why are we standing here?"

"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!

# What is It?

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"

The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"

# Costly Comments

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"WHAT FOR?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's what for!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The guy replied... "I know - I'm just seeing if I have enough for 2 more words!"

# Nag, Nag, Nag

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named William Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed...

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered, to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

At which the attorney whirled 'round and shouted hysterically, "For crying out loud . . . don't you ever stop?"

# Disgusting Offense

A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia --for making love to a dead woman.

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons: first, It's none of your damn business; second, she was my wife; and.....third, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way during sex!!

# The Church Steeple

A lawyer, an engineer, and a minister were given the task of finding the height of a church steeple (the first to get the correct solution wins a $1000).

The lawyer tried to remember some of the math he had learned in undergraduate school, but resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb bob until it touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the length of the string.

The engineer layed out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by trigonometry.

However, the minister won the prize. He bought the vicar a beer in the local pub and asked him how high the church steeple was.

# Old Veterans Claim

A group of World War II veterans have recently filed a class action suit in Federal District Court in the Rio Grande Valley of Texas, asking to be compensated by the United States Army for causing bodily harm to their persons when the cooks and mess sergeants were ordered to put saltpeter in their coffee.

The veterans claim it is now beginning to affect their sex lives.

# I'm Under Oath

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

# Arrest My Lawyer

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

# Excess Baggage

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the box of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it...

# Smart Defendant

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do, and they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

# Insurance Proceeds

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was burned. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That is quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I am here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked, "how do you start a flood?"

# Courthouse Janitor

Leroy had been the janitor at the courthouse for almost forty years. One Saturday he came in to clean the courtroom and brought his young grandson with him. As Leroy was sweeping the floor, his grandson said: "What are all those seats for there grandpa?'

"That's where the public can come and see the trial," says Leroy.

"And what are these two tables for," asks the grandson.

"Well that one is for the plaintiff and his lawyer, the plaintiff is the one accusing the other of something wrong. The other table is for the defendant and his lawyer, the defendant is the person who is trying to prove he didn't do anything wrong. The lawyers are the folks who are paid to talk for their clients."

"How about that big high desk in front?" asks the grandson.

"That's called the bench and is where the Judge sits. The Judge is the guy in charge of the trial and he makes decisions about what people can and can't say during the trial."

"How about that little corral over to the side with twelve chairs in it? asks the grandson.

"Oh," says Leroy, "that's where the jury sits."

"What's the jury do, grandpa?"

"They're the people," says Leroy with a smile, " who determine which client has the better lawyer."

# Fee for Service

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. 

# Faulty Tire Suit

Edward was a second rate attorney from a small town in Mississippi. Like a lot of other second rate country lawyers, Edward chased ambulances to try and line up liability suits he could represent. At the site of one accident, he talked to an elderly black woman named Bessie May Brown, who had been injured in a minor accident. Edward convinced the lady that she should sue the tire manufacturer because she could not stop in time to avoid hitting a roadside tree.

After making his opening his opening arguments, Edward called Bessie to the stand.

"Ms. Brown," said Edward, "were you cited in the accident?"

"Yes Sir," said Bessie, "I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!! "

# Pregnant Woman on the Bus

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her and began to feel humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat, and he seemed more amused.

She moved again, and then on her fourth move, he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement that read, "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins." Then she moved under a sign that read, "Sloan's Liniments remove swelling."

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement that read, "William's Stick Did the Trick."

Then I could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement that read, "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

The case was dismissed.

# Paternity Trial

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"

"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.

"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.

"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy Mitsubishis."

# Space for Rent **

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant immediately wrote a check.

_** Risque_

# Well Prepared Witness

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question." 

# Contract with the Devil

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?" 

# Very Honest Lawyer

An investment counsellor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money

# The Lawyer's Appeal

An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven.

But not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.

The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.

The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.

The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.

When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

# Bad Legal Advice

Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands. "What's the matter?" he asked of his friend, "Did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?"

"No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me..."

# Lawyers and the Truth

A young boy asked is father, "Dad, do lawyers ever tell the truth?"

The father thought for a moment, "Yes son, sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case!

# You're Beautiful

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

# Blondes and the Law

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

# The Blonde Juror *

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer.

After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.

One juror, a blonde woman who had dozed off, was nudged by the male juror sitting next to her. She took the note from him and read, "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before."

The blonde smiled at the man and slipped the note in her purse.

"Will juror number twelve please pass the note to me?" ordered the judge.

"I can't, Your Honor," the blonde answered. "It's personal."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# I Can't Wait

Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off."

"I know the feeling," the other says.

"No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."

# Guilty of Bigamy

A rookie state patrol officer in rural Utah brings in a local farmer to the local Justice of the Peace and charges him with bigamy. After hearing the complaint and questioning the farmer, the Justice of the Peace lets the guy go home.

"Didn't he admit that he was a bigamist?' Says the rookie.

"Yep," says the Justice of the Peace.

"And isn't bigamy against the law?" Says the rookie.

"Of course it is." says the Justice of the Peace.

"Then," says the rookie, "why did you let him go?"

"I think," says the Justice of the Peace, "he's been punished enough."

"How is that?" Says the rookie

"Well," Says the Justice of the Peace, "he has two mother-in-laws."

# Supermarket Shoplifter

An elderly housewife was caught shoplifting in a large supermarket. The store manager had been experiencing a noticible increase in shoplifting in his store and decided to press charges against the woman to make it clear to other potential shoplifters that he would no longer tolerate even minor shoplifting in his store.

When she appeared in court, the judge asked the woman why she had shoplifted.

"My husband and I are retired on a fixed income," replied the woman, "and the cheap old bastard will not give me enough money to buy all the groceries we need."

"What did you steal from the store?" asked the judge.

"A can of peaches," replied the woman.

"How many peaches were in the can? asked the judge.

"Six peaches," replied the woman.

"Then I am going to sentence you to six months in jail," said the judge, "now does anyone in the court want to comment on this sentence before I close this case?"

At that point, an elderly man in the back of the courtroom stood up and raised his hand. "Identify yourself and tell the court what objection you have to this sentence," said the judge.

"I am this woman's husband," said the man, "and I do not have any objection to your sentence, I just wanted to point out that she also stole a can of peas."

# Make it a Scotch

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." At this the lawyer gives the customer a business card and says:" If this situation comes up again, give me a call, I would be glad to represent you in court."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch." 

# Chapter 2

# Marriage & Relationship Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a couple in a motel may appear here and in the Hotel & Motel Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# That's My Story

Biker rolling through town on his custom, fastest bike in town. He's going around a bend when he rolls up on a cop. The blue lights come on and out rolls the cop. The biker thinks, "He'll never catch me in that car" and takes off. Several miles later the cop is still behind him as he pulls over.

The cop walks up to the biker and asks for his license. Then the cop says, "OK. I've had a crappy day, and I'm ready to head home. Come up with a good excuse for speeding away from me and I'll let you go."

The biker looks at the cop and replies, "The old lady left me last week for a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to bring her back."

Cop hands him his license and tells him to have a nice ride home.

# Poker Night Strategy

Five guy's were playing at their regular Friday night poker game. They had been playing cards, telling jokes, drinking beer, eating junk food, and generally having a great time.

At about twelve-thirty Jim says "I have to make this my last hand, it's getting late and I have to be getting home.

"Why," ask his friends "you don't have to go to work tomorrow? Besides if you leave it will break up the game."

"Well," says Jim "last week I played until three AM and then when I got a block from home I put the car in neutral, turned the headlights off and coasted the rest of the way home by the light of the street lights. I tapped the brakes as I glided into the driveway got out of the car and gently closed the door. I took off my shoes and then opened the front door very quietly. Then I got undressed in the downstairs hallway, climbed the stairs in the dark, entered the bedroom without a sound, placed my clothes on a chair, and slid into bed without a sound. At that point my wife jumps out of bed flips on the light and hollers at me for almost an hour. I'm not going to go through that again this week."

"Perhaps you handled it wrong," says Terry "maybe you should take a different approach."

"Such as what?" says Jim.

"Alright," says Terry "let me tell you how I handled the same situation. I left here last week at the same time you did. When I got a block from home I put the car in second gear, roared up the block, got out of the car in the driveway and slammed the door, sang all the way up to the house. Slammed the front door, stomped up the stairs, threw open the bedroom door, flipped on the lights and said 'hey baby how about a little loving?' She didn't move a muscle."

# Spanish Sheepherder

A Spanish sheepherder had grown weary of his lonely life in the hills and decided to go back to his home village and find a bride. The girl he chose was a beautiful young virgin who had just finished school and come of age. After the marriage he took her back to his cabin in the hills and they lived happily with the sheep and the fresh air. She was particularly pleased with the sexual part of their marriage and intrigued with her husband's penis, since she was a very sheltered child and had never seen one before.

"You're very lucky," said her husband "because I am the only man in the world who has one of these. You see because I was such a good man God came to this mountain and rewarded be by giving me a penis."

Then came the harsh cold of Winter and life in the mountains became very difficult, so the sheepherder took his wife back to the village and had her stay with his family until Spring when she returned to the cabin to rejoin her husband. Anxious to resume their interrupted sex life the sheepherder immediately took his wife to bed. But this time she was cold and unresponsive.

"What is the matter?" the sheepherder asks.

"You lied to me," says the wife.

"What do you mean?" responds the sheepherder.

"You told me you were the only man in the world who had a penis," says the wife "and your brother has one too."

Quickly thinking of a way to cover his lie the sheepherder says "Well actually God gave me two and since I only needed one I gave the other one to my brother."

"Then you are very stupid," says the wife "you gave him the best one."

# Sell All My Stuff

A husband and wife were having breakfast and the husband was reading the obituaries in the newspaper. "Since you are much younger than I am you will probably marry again after I die," says the husband.

"I don't know," says the wife, "is there a problem if I do?"

Well if you do, I want you to sell all my stuff, my car, my golf clubs, my tools, my clothes, everything," says the husband.

"Why do you want me to do that?" asks the wife.

"Because I don't what some asshole using my stuff after I gone," says the husband.

"What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?" asks the wife.

# Keeping Myself Pure

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

# When on Mars *

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Full Meal Deal

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path, Before long, along came this little old man.

The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man.

The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother.

# Bovine Fantasy

A young cowboy named Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining ranch out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is your cow."

# The Butler Did It

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said. "Take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jerves," she continued." Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, your fired!"

# Sign Language *

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower upstairs. The man realizes that he can't find the rake.

He yells up to his wife at the bathroom window, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee, and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?!" The man repeats his gestures. "eye.... knee...the rake"

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin' hell was that?"

She replies, "eye - left tit - behind - the bush."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Blunt Question

A man walked up to a farmer's house and knocked on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed, "Get the hell away!". Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said, "Yes".

The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to stay the hell away from my wife!!!"

# Slow Play

Two strangers were playing golf together. After several holes it becomes apparent that they were much better golfers than the two women who were playing directly in front of them. The marshal is not making his rounds and it is apparent that the women are not going to ask them if they want to play through.

The first golfer says to his playing companion "I'm going to walk up there and ask if they will let us play through." So he walks about half way to the women and then turns around and comes back.

"Why did you change your mind?" asks the second golfer.

"About half way up I recognized that one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress," answers the first golfer, "so I turned back before they could recognize me."

"That could have really been embarrassing," chuckles the second golfer " I'll go up and ask them if we can play through" About half way up to the women, the second golfer turns around and comes back.

"What was the matter?" asks the first golfer.

"Small world isn't it?" says the second golfer.

# The Perfect Husband

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, It's me."

"Sugar!"

"Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00"

"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $435,000 and see if they come down. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

# I've Got Everything I Need

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house."

Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the air bag!"

# All Mixed Up

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

# Vacation Trip

A man goes in to see his travel agent and book a vacation trip.

"Hey Larry," says the travel agent, "going away on holiday again?"

"Yes," says Larry "but I need to ask for something different"

"Go ahead ask me," says the travel agent

"You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife was pregnant"

"Yes but ..."

" And the year before you suggested Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant"

"Yes but.."

" And the year before that when I went to Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant"

" Yes"

"Well! Could you suggest something cheaper this year so that I can bring her with me?"

# Who Was That Woman?

A married couple was enjoying a dinner in a classy restaurant, when a statuesque brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."

"Your mistress!? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"

For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Our's is much cuter."

# Tell Me the Truth

A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking, and athletic; but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife", the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-"

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man dies, happy, and the wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask me about the other three."

# Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

# Fiftieth Anniversary

An elderly couple were planning their fiftieth wedding anniversary and decided that they would try and get reservations at the same hotel that they spent their honeymoon at fifty years before. When the wife called the hotel and explained their situation the desk clerk was very moved and not only got them a reservation for the date they wanted but even got them the same honeymoon suite that they had stayed at some fifty years before.

When they arrived the management of the hotel had let all the staff know of the special couple and everyone treated them like royalty. They had a scrumptious dinner and then danced to the anniversary waltz. After they had a few drinks and danced a while, they went back to the room where the staff had put a chilled bottle of champaign on ice to top off their romantic evening. While the husband was downing a Viagra pill with a glass of champaign the wife went into the bathroom to slip into a very sexy nightgown she had bought especially for the occasion.

When the wife came out of the bathroom with her sexy nightgown on she found the husband sitting on the bed drinking his champaign and laughing.

"What is so funny?' she asked.

"Well", he said with a grin, "I guess this time it's my turn to sit on the side of the bed and cry because it's too big."

# Home Repairs

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise bolted to his workbench. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

# My Wife is Poisoning Me

A Jewish man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

# Now That's Respect

Two strangers were playing golf together. As the older player was starting to putt, he noticed a funeral procession passing the golf course. At that point he faced the procession, took off his hat, bowed his head, and stood silently until the procession had passed.

"That's very respectful," said the younger golfer "I'm very impressed."

"Well it's the least I could do," responded the older golfer "we were married for forty-six years."

# You Don't Understand

A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset.

When the man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said, "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!"

The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet baby!"

Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the trunk!"

# The American Way

A Frenchman, an Italian and an American were sitting in a bar discussing sex.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."

The Italian said: "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once." he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" he asked.

"Don't stop," said the American with a grin
Computer Password

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will remember and use to log on.

The husband is in a rather amorous mood and figures he will try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in "penis"...

His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard when the computer replies:

"Password rejected - not long enough"

# Three Day Drunk

A man left work one Friday afternoon, but, being payday instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was berated for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

# You've been Golfing

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. You damn liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

# Picture Perfect

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture." He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

# I'm Not Afraid

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Medina got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.

# He Says -- She Says

Bill and Alice go over to have dinner with their friends Ed and Sally. After dinner the women go into the kitchen to clean up the dishes and the men go out on the deck for a drink. Noticing that Alice has acted a little distracted Sally says "You've been looking sort of glum tonight, did you have a bad day yesterday?"

Alice responded: "Bill was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk privately. We went to this restaurant and he's still acting a bit funny. I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something I did or something else. I ask him, and he says no its not me. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me.I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to talk about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 20 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know, what he's thinking anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???"

Out on the deck Ed says "Do anything interesting yesterday?"

Bill responds: "Nah, shitty day at work. Tired. Got laid though!"

# Holiday Spirit **

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her rightthigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

_** Risque_

# Music Calms the Savage Beast

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted? "

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to make passionate love with you!"

She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."

# You Missed the Point

Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run Kerry kept hinting to Lorne, her husband, that he needed to get it fixed. However, for some reason the message wasn't sinking in.

She finally thought of a clever way to make the point. When Lorne arrived home that day, he found her seated in the tall grass busily clipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. Kerry thought she had again failed to get his attention. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed her a toothbrush saying, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

# Do as You Wish

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"

"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."

"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."

"Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."

# The CIA Interview

The CIA had an opening for a special agent. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

# Sex by the Numbers

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse. Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on. Bell #2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!"

"So," he continues, "From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell #1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into bed and when I say Bell #3, we're going to make love all night!" The wife is agreeable with this arrangement.

The next night, he came home from work and yelled,

"Bell #1!".... The wife took off all her clothes.

"Bell #2!".....The wife jumped into bed.

"Bell #3!".... They began passionate loving...

After two minutes, the wife yelled, "Bell #4!".....

The husband asked "What the hell is Bell #4?"

"More hose," she replied, "your're nowhere near the fire!"

# An Appropriate Present

The wealthy businessman was having breakfast with his socialite wife and inquired about an appropriate present for her on the celebration of their thirtieth Anniversary. When she did not respond he offered some suggestions:

"How would you like a two carat diamond ring?" the husband asked.

"Nope, I don't think so," she answers.

"How about a new Mercedies?" he inquired.

"No, that's not what I want" responded the wife.

"Then how about a four month cruise around the world?" asked the husband.

"No, that's not what I want either." said the wife.

"Then what do you want?" the husband asks.

"I want a divorce." barks the wife.

The husband thinks for a second and then responds "Well I hadn't really planned to spend that much."

# You've Been Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "so you've been drinking again!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

# Let's Pretend

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," laughs the man.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own blanket."

# Firming Up *

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said: "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said: "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said: "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Twenty Years Ago Today

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

# Good Neighbor Plan

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him.

He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500 dollars, and leaves.

Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Rob from next door," she replies.

"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"

# Before it Starts

Keith comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

Keith sighs and says, "It's started . . "

# Richly Adorned

An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

# The Bodybuilder

A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says "What a great a chest you have",

The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs.. of dynamite".

He takes off his pants and the woman says "What massive calves you have."

Again the bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs.. of dynamite".

He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.

The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have".

# Fancy Roping *

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks with a sly grin, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" while trying to hide her knowing expression.

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers,"They're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis.

"What is that?" she asks.

"That's my rope," he answers.

She slides her hands down further and gasps,

"What are those?" she asks

"They're my knots," he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute! "

Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Complete Coverage

Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby. "You know," says Sadie, "I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm. Mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about.

Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

"No," says Esther, "I think we had State Farm."

# Dishonorable Wife

Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house.

The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you. I saw her the other night and she was out with another man."

Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information.

"It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is doing it with a foreigner who appears to be of the Jewish faith."

Shocked, Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces her and says, "I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith".

She replies, "That's a lie! Where did you hear such mishugunah?!"

# Anniversary Wishes

On their golden wedding anniversary a couple received a present from their oldest son, who was a senior engineer on a oil pipeline project in the middle east. In his note he congratulated them both on turning seventy and also completing 50 years of successful marriage. The note read: "To show my love I have purchased this special present which will give you both what you want most in life."

When they opened the present they found an old oil lamp which the son had obviously purchased at great expense in an Arab bazaar. Another note inside the box with the lamp explained that they would each have one wish which would be granted by the genie of the lamp. The wife was the first to rub the lamp. Immediately a large blue genie appeared and asked the wife what her wish was. The wife told the genie that she had always wanted to travel and wanted to spend their anniversary on an arround-the-world tour. No sooner had she made the wish than poof, they were in an elegant stateroom aboard a luxury cruise ship. The wife was so excited that she immediately ran out to explore the ship.

The husband stayed in the cabin and as soon as the wife had left, he rubbed the lamp to make his wish. When the genie appeared the husband told the genie that his wish was to spend the night with a woman thirty years younger than himself. No sooner than the man had made his wish when poof, he was 100 years old.

# New Approach

At her weekly bridge club, Madge is feeling bad and being very quiet. One of her friends asks her what is wrong.

"It's my husband George," says Madge, "every night he comes home from the bar drunk . I've yelled at him until I'm blue in the face and it doesn't seem to make any difference. I don't think he cares any more."

"Perhaps you should try a different approach," says her friend.

"What do you mean?" says Madge.

"Well I had the same problem with my husband a few years back, but one night I decided to try a new approach. When he came home late one night instead of finding me in my bathrobe and curlers yelling at him I was all dolled up in a sexy negligee with my hair fixed and makeup on and in a very sexy mood. It worked cause now he says home and spends his time with me."

So that night when George comes up to the door half drunk he opens the door to find a sexy looking woman in a black teddy who says "Hi, good looking want to have a little fun?"

Thinking he must have the wrong house George hunches his shoulders and says "Might as well, I going to catch hell when I get home anyway."

# Bucket and Saucer Method *

A young woman is conducting a census survey in the hills of Oklahoma. She comes to a small farm and knocks on the door of the farmhouse. The farmer's wife answers the door and the census taker asks the usual questions about who lives in the house and how they are related.

The census taker then says "This year they have added some new questions, but they are optional and you do not have to answer them if they are to personal."

"Sure go ahead," says the farmer's wife.

"Do you and your husband practice birth control?" asks the census taker.

"Yep, we have to cause we can't afford to feed the kids we have now" says the farmer's wife.

"What method do you use?" inquires the census taker.

"We use the bucket and saucer method," says the farmer's wife.

"I've never heard of that method" says the census taker writing the response on the form, "what is the bucket and saucer method?"

"Well we have sex standing up and since I'm much taller than my husband he has to stand on a bucket" says the farmer's wife.

"How does that stop conception?" asks the census taker "and where does the saucer come in"

"Well when his eyes get the size of saucers I kick the bucket out" says the farmer's wife with a grin.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# I'll Give it a Try **

A man is visiting his wife in the critical care unit of the hospital. She has been in a coma for almost a week and they have been doing everything they can to try and get her to respond and show some sign of mental activity. While the husband is straightening her covers he brushes against one of her breasts and notices that she moves and appears to have a slight smile. He then slips his hand inside her hospital gown and gently strokes her nipple. Again she responds. The man is very excited and locates her doctor and relays the incident.

"We never considered exposing her to sexual stimulus," says the doctor. This could be a breakthrough. Did you and your wife ever have oral sex."

"Yes," says the man, "why do you ask?"

"Well," says the doctor, "if we give you some privacy would you be willing to give that a try and see if you could get her to respond even more."

After about fifteen minutes behind the drape with his wife, the man comes out and is visibly shaken and almost in shock.

"Did she respond?" asks the doctor.

"No," says the man, "I think she's dead"

"Oh my god," says the doctor, "what happened?"

"I think she chocked to death," says the man.

_** Risque_

# Escaped Convict

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly, he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered,

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck, and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do, don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong, and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says,"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck; he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and I love you, too."

# An Ounce of Prevention

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, " I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

# Something Really Cheap

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

# Dark in Here

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her nine-year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it."

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$175.00"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."

The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$375.00"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy replies, "$550.00"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

# One More Time

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hrs later, Morris goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hrs to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the Morris gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hrs left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning.....you don't."

# The Shoe Box

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."

# Your Choice **

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained (as usual) "I have a headache"...

"Perfect" he said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository - it's up to you!"

_** Risque_

# Night School *

Giuseppe walks into work, and asks, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony responds, "No, Giuseppe, who's-a George Washington?"

Giuseppe says, "Hah! George Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppe walks into work and asks, "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony replys, "No, Giuseppe, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Giuseppe says, "Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppe - you know who Filippo Giusti is?"

Giuseppe asks, "No. Who's-a Filippo Giusti is?"

The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Reduced Charges

Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested earlier this week for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

The sister, however, was not as accurate as Lorena. She missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg causing severe muscle and tendon damage.

After considerable legal wrangling and plea bargianing by her defence attorney the charge has been reduced from assault with a deadly weapon to a misdeWIENER !!

# Your Order is Ready

An doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, maybe I can figure it out."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead paramedic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Four orders of spaghetti - two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

# In the Beginning

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.''

Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?''

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.''

And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.'' And Adam said, ''What is a 'caress'?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.''

And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.'' And Adam asked, ''What is 'make love', Lord?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two second and said, ''Lord, what is a 'headache'?''

# Johnny's New Bike

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.

"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.

"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

# Stress Relief

During his first three-month evaluation, a rookie cop mentioned to the chief of police that the stress of the job was really starting to wear him down.

The chief told the young policeman that when he was a young cop, whenever he was feeling too tense, he'd go home and make love like crazy with his wife for about an hour, which always made him feel better and enabled him to return to work with a much better outlook.

The rookie considered this piece of wisdom and said it sounded like good advice; he'd give it a try and see if it helped.

The next week the chief called the kid in and asked how things were going. The new cop replied that, in fact, just that morning had experienced extreme stress and had followed his boss's suggestion, with great success. He felt great.

After being dismissed by his pleased superior, the rookie abruptly halted at the door and said, "Oh, Chief, I almost forgot. Your wife asked me to tell you to pick up some lamb chops for dinner."

# Fruitful Description

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are.

"Those are the Apples on the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.

She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"

# Assertive Husband

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself, "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you are the boss."

Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing ... you know who's going to comb my hair, adjust my pants, and then tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," says his wife calmly. "The undertaker."

# The Golf Fanatic

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up very early and golf's all day long.

Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

She replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

# Breast Enhancement

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again....

# Aging Romance

An old couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to nibble on my ear"

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

He answered, "To get my teeth!"

# Just Too Secret

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51, the ultra-high security secret base in Nevada,were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

# Wise Investments

The young bride approached her waiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, with him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, she heard of the ravages of financial ruin, caused by corporate downsizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Nonplused, she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local hospital. Pointing to the fine structure, she informed him that he owned the land it was built on and that they paid him $6000 per month rent.

She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward the local bank, while handing himstock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars, and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now, he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why he was so upset in light of such good news.

He tearfully responded, "If only I had known what you were doing all these years, I would have given you all of my business!"

# Can You Spare Two Bucks

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street, "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well dressed man responds, "You're not going to spend it on liquor are you?"

"No sir, I don't drink," the bum responds.

"You're not going to throw it away in a poker game are you?" asks the man.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees would you?" asks the man.

"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.

"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, play poker or golf."

# How Should I Know?

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"

# Vengeance is Mine

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

# How Can I Know for Sure

A blonde goes into the health clinic for a routine physical and is informed by the examining doctor that she is two months pregnant. The blonde is both surprised and distressed.

Noting this the doctor inquires:"Is this pregnancy going to be a problem for you?'

"No, not really" says the blonde, "I've always wanted children .... it's just that I think that my husband may be cheating on me."

"Under the circumstances, I hope that isn't the case," says the doctor compassionately.

After a few moments of silence the blonde asks: "Is there any way to tell for sure if this baby is mine."

# Big Gas Barbecue

Gus is out on his patio grilling some hamburgers for dinner. His wife Blanch is bending over in the flower bed weeding her flowers.

After a few minutes of looking at her rear end, Gus says, "you know I think your butt is as wide as this big gas barbecue. "

Blanch is not very pleased, but doesn't say anything.

That night after they get into bed, Gus wants to have sex, but Blanch is not responding. After a few feudal attempts to get a positive reaction, Gus says "What's the matter now?"

Finally Blanch rolls over and says, "If you think I'm going to fire up this big ass barbecue for one little wienie, you're crazy."

# Never Again

One day a man and his wife are playing golf at their home course. On a certain par four, the man tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods.

They find his ball directly behind one of the greenskeeper's buildings where equipment is stored, so that he can't play toward the green at all.

"Damn!" the man says, "I'll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway. I'll make five at best."

But his wife, who had been looking things over, said "Look, this shed has double doors at both ends. If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the building toward the green."

The man congratulated his wife on her cleverness and they set up for the shot. But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came whistling back, striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead on the spot.

A year or so later, the same man was playing the same par 4 and hit his tee shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building.

As he is cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his playing partners says, "Wait, look we can open these double doors and..."

"No way," the man says, cutting him off. "I was here last year and tried that shot and ended up making a six.

# Too Close for Comfort

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was so scared he practically soiled himself. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

# She's a Real Doll

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work for the day. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

# Just Like a Woman

One day a father and son areout in the yard flying a kite. The kite keeps going in circles and crashing into the ground. After watching this for almost an hour the mother sticks her head out of the kitchen window and yells, ''You need more tail!''

The father shakes his head and says: "Isn't that just like a woman -- last night in bed, when I wanted some tail, she told me to go fly a kite."

# Cheap Porsche

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

# Life's Progression

A father and his teenage son go into the drug store to pick up a prescription. As they go toward the check-out counter they pass a large display of condoms.

The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''

The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....'' 

# Practice What You Preach **

One evening a mom and dad and two sons are watching TV. The dad gives the mom a look, and they head upstairs.

The two little boys wonder what they are doing, so they go up to take a peek.

''Well,'' said the older boy, ''remember this when mom gets on your case for sucking your thumb!'

_** Risque_

# There by My Side

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

# Strange Routine

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.

Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"

"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."

# The Chastity Belt

A English knight is departing the country to participate in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

So, the knight leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.

"What's wrong?' " the knight asks.

"You gave me the wrong key," responds the friend.

# The Matrimony Test

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you, because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

# On Her Knees

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?"

The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees."

The first two men were dumbfounded.

"Wow! What happened next?" they asked.

The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, "Then she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

# Severe Stress Disorder

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

"What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

# The Family Tree

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, "Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot."

The father explained, "No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman."

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted, "Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!"

# You Talk Too Much

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Looking stunned, he said, ''What?'

# Doctor Feelgood **

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.''

''On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.''

''Well, all right,'' the doctor said. ''On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

_** Risque_

# No Doze

Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm.

One drunk says to the other drunk, "Did you sleep with my wife last night?"

To which the other drunk replies, "Not a wink."

# Cheap Shots in the Bar

Frank and Walt are old drinking buddies who love to get the best of each other. They are in the local bar drinking as usual, and taking cheap shots at each other.

Then Frank reaches over and feels Walt's bald head.

"Good God! This feels just like my wife's ass!" Frank Roars with laughter.

Without missing a stroke, Walt then runs his hand over his own head and responds: "You're right it does feel like your wife's ass."

# The Fishing Trip

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"

"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

# Rigged Contest

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week.

# Reflect on This

One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks for twenty dollars to buy meat.

"Are you crazy?" says the husband, who pulls her over to a mirror. "Let me show you something? This twenty-dollar bill is mine. The one in the mirror is yours. Get it?"

The wife nods.

The next day, the husband returns home to find a freezer full of meat. Angry, he asks his wife about it.

She pulls him over to the mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See the one in the mirror? That's yours. This one is the butcher's."

# Adam and Eve

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history...

# Wishing for Wine **

While he was rooting around in the basement, a man found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie emerged in a huge cloud of pink smoke.

"I am the all-powerful genie. I shall grant you one wish." The man thought about this, and decided that if there was one thing he couldn't get enough of, it was wine.

"I wish I could pee wine. That's my wish."

"Granted." And the genie disappeared. Later that day, the man's wife came home to find her husband naked, holding a glass of wine.

"Why only one glass?" asked her wife.

"You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."

_** Risque_

# Tough Wish

here was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!!!

The very angry looking Genie said, ''Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!''

The suprised man said, ''OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.''

The genie replied with a smirk, ''Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen.''

The man said, ''Fine then, I want to understand women.''

The genie said, '' Would you like two lanes or four?'

# Blonde Husband

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

''You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

# The New Maid

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

# An Important Question

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband wants me to ask you...,'' to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.''

''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed. ''He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.'

# A Close Call *

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Finally the wife went to the butcher store and bought a six foot length of sausage. After he was asleep she slipped the sausage links into his pajama pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore.

He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated: "Honey, you were right about me farting my guts out, but with the grace of god and these two fingers I got them all back in there."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Last to Know

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs, that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?"

The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace. The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says "All these years married and I never knew the old girl smoked."

The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank."

The Irishman empties his wife's handbag onto the floor, looks through the contents and picks up a half empty packet of condoms. "'Saints preserve us! All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man.

# Dying for Some Lefse

Ole was on his death bed. But before he died, he wanted to have one last taste of lefse (potato crepe).

Even as weak as he was, he was able to crawl out of bed and go down the stairs to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes of agonizing pain he reached the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator door he slowly reached for the lefse.

He was just about to grab it when suddenly a hand came out from nowhere, slapped his hand, and a voice boomed out, "Ole, that's for the Funeral!

# Snails for Dinner

A couple go off for a romantic holiday to France, and while there, test the French delicacy that is. They both agree that they taste really great. After two weeks in France, they return home.

One night, the husband says to his wife, "Honey, how about I go out and get some snails for us?"

The wife thinks it's a great idea, so off he goes.

He finally gets a bag of them, and decides to stop into the local bar for a quick drink on his way home. Well, the one drink turns into several hours of drinking, and he suddenly notices it's one o'clock, and the wife is probably mad as hell.

So he trips home (literally), and arrives at his house, still tipsy from the beer. As he fumbles for his house key, he drops the bag of, and they spill out all over the doorstep. Then, the door opens, suddenly, and there's his wife looking furious, and waiting to hit him with her rolling pin. Without missing a beat, the husband looks down at the snails, and says "Go on, boys, nearly there, nearly there."

# Vicious Dog

A man was watering is lawn one day when he looked and comming up the street was two hearse's followed by a man, his dog and a single file line of about 200 men. The guy watering his lawn thought this was rather odd and decided to ask the first guy, who had the dog, what was going on.

The guy said, "That's my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died."

The guy watering the lawn said, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, what about the second hearse?"

The other guy said, "Well that's my mother-in-law, my dog also bit her and she died."

The guy with the lawn thinks for a minute and says, "Can I borrow your dog?"

The guy with the dog responds, "Back of the line!

# Wild Ride

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

# Still Too Much

One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

# Endearing Names

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.

# Way Too Honest ***

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# How Much for Mine? ***

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Two New Words *

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Ride'em Cowboy **

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called 'rodeo'.

His friend said, "No what is it?"

"Well, you mount your wife from the back, reach around her and cup her breasts with both hands. Then you say, 'Boy these are almost as nice as your sister's'.

Now see if you can hang on for eight seconds."

_** Risque_

# The Helpful Wife

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?"

The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding."

The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles."

"SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite."

Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?"

"No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that"

"WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for two whole months now!"

"Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!"

Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?"

"No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"

# Blind Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

# The Perfect Golf Shot

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,"Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

# Dearly Departed

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

# I'm the Boss

The boss was complaining in the weekly staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"

# Flavor of the Day ***

A wife was telling her husband about her day and added that she had also stopped by for an appointment with her gynecologist.

"Anything wrong," asks the husband.

"No," says the wife "just a mild yeast infection, so the doctor told me to start using a douche to keep it from coming back. When I got down to the drug store they now have douche in flavors. Since it wasn't any more money I got the flavored kind."

"Oh," says the husband, "what flavor did you get?"

"Tuna," says the wife.

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Halloween Party

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom and laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party."

By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three items. One is a set of three white buttons, another is a white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "You can take your clothes off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie, and if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!

# The Pet Frog **

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs !"

"Blowjobs!", the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her ! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied," If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

_** Risque_

# Deathbed Confession

Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."

But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right.

Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

# Literally Speaking *

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

The first guy says "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said 'why don't you burn the whole house down?' That place is still smoldering."

The second guy said "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said 'why don't you tear the whole car apart?' It took me all night."

The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said 'Cut that out!'" He held out his hands. "Ever seen one of these real close?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Great Birthday Gift

Paul that was talking to his buddy Bill, and said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

Bill said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

So Paul did just that. The next day Bill asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it," said Paul, "she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"

# Five Stages of Marital Sex *

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom!

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# I'll Do the Next One

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again.

The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."

# Doggie Style

Two sailors who had been out to sea for a while were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the sailors.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."

# Spend All My Money **

While Frank was getting his hair cut, he was complaining to the barber about his financial problems. Frank says "Every time I cash my pay check my wife goes out and blows it on new clothes, no wonder we can't get ahead."

"I had the same problem," says the barber, "so one day I went to the tattoo parlor and asked to have a 100 dollar bill tattooed on my penis."

"How did that solve the problem?" says Frank.

"Then I went home," says the barber, "and told my wife that I had figured out how she could blow a hundred bucks any time she wanted, get ahead, and not have me bitching about it afterwords."

_** Risque_

# The Loving Wife

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,

"My husband's home! My husband's home!"

# The Farmer's Divorce

A redneck farmer from Alabama walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

# The School Play

John's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

John enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

# Becoming a Better Person

Phil and Bob were having a drink together at their favorite bar after work one day when Bob dropped a bomshell on his friend. "Phil" he said, "Sally and I are going to get a divorce".

Phil was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"

"Well" Bob said, "ever since we got married, Sally has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and eating junk food. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." Phil probed.

"Nah, I'm not bitter. I just figure that now that I'm such a much better person, I should be able to get a much better wife."

# A Survey Discrepancy

A psychiatrist is involved in a sex research project for the loca University. As he is processing some of the material he has collected he notices some confusing data. To clear up the discrepancy he phones one of the participants in a recent survey to double check the information.

The psychiatrist asks the guy, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the guy, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

# Powerful Pills

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe anything..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."

# Retiring Mailman *

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45 years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work.

At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars.

At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered. She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. The mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.

The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?"

The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said 'fuck him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Early Release

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at two in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

# The Doctor's Wife

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

# On the Road Again

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

# The Artist and the Model

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my God !!!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife ! Quick !!! Take all your clothes off."

# Office Party Fiasco **

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

_** Risque_

# Anniversary Gifts

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.

The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER.

Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone - in which the inscription read :HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST

# Lunch and Marriage

Bill and Fred are having lunch together one day at the local cafe. Bill says, "You know getting married is a lot like ordering your lunch."

"How is that?" says Fred.

"Well," says Bill, "everyone gets to chose what he wants and after he gets it he wishes he had ordered what the other fellow got."

# Knowing When It's Right

A young private is sitting in a bar next to an old sergeant. The private says to the sergeant, "You're married arn't you sarge?'

"Yep," says the sergeant, "been married for sixteen years now. Why do you ask?"

"Well," says the private, "I've been dating for a few years and I just wondered how you know when you've met the right girl to marry?"

"Oh you'll know," says the sergeant. "When I first met my wife, I knew that she was 'Ms. Right'."

Then the sergeant took a drink of his beer and smiled as he continued "But at that time I didn't know that her first name was 'Always'."

# The Hotel Bellboy

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.

"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

# To Be Ten Again

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."

# Spice Up Your Sex Life

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"

# Serious Burnout

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...

He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!"

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says: "Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!"

# Knee Pains **

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"

"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."

"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."

"Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't," she replied.

_** Risque_

# You Need to Cut Back

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

# Were You Faithful?

An elderly man was on his deathbed and he called his wife to his side. "Before I die, I need to know if you have been faithful to me during our long marriage."

"I have to be honest with you dear," says the wife, "there were three times during our marriage that I was not faithful to you."

"I'm shocked," says the husband, "I thought you loved me."

"I do love you," says the wife, "I would like to explain the circumstances to you and ask for your forgiveness."

"Go ahead," says the husband.

"Do you remember when you were laid off at the plant, the kids were sick, and the landlord was going to evict us from our house?"

"Yes," says the husband, "I remember that."

"Well," says the wife, "since I knew we would be thrown out in the snow in the middle of December with no money and no place to go, I slept with the landlord and he let us stay in the house."

"Well," says the husband, "I can see that you had the best interest of the family at heart, and I forgive you for that."

"Do you remember when you were diagnosed with that dangerous heart condition and you needed the operation and we didn't have any health insurance nor the money for the operation."

"Yes," says the husband, "I remember that well."

Well I slept with the surgeon and he performed the operation without a fee, and paid for the hospital expenses as well."

"OK," says the husband, "I can see that you were thinking of me and you did save my life, so I forgive you for that too."

"Then after we retired," says the wife, "do you rember that you wanted to become the president of the Men's Club at the golf course and you were sixty-two votes short?"

# Mistaken Identity

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!"

# Reconstructive Surgery

George was undergoing reconstructive surgery following a bad accident. One of the areas dammaged was George's's penis, which had been reduced to a two inch stump. The doctor told George that they could rebuild the penis and give him either a six inch penis or an eight inch one.

"What is the difference in cost?" said George.

"The six inch one will cost $5,000 and the eight inch one will run $6,500. This is a big decision, so why don't you discuss it with your wife and let me know." says the doctor.

When George returns to the doctor's office a week later the doctor asks: "Which option did your wife think you should select?" says the doctor.

"Neithor one," says George, "she says she would rather use the money to remodel the kitchen."

# Working Too Hard

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."!

# His Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

# Trouble in Eden

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded.

"You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve!

# Biblical PMS

One day a woman went to her pastor and asked, "Pastor there are some things in life that aren't addressed in the Bible; how are we supposed to deal with them.

The Pastor responded, "There are no such things, give me an example of what you are talking about".

The woman responded, "PMS is not in the Bible". So the Pastor thought and told the woman to call back in the morning and he would have the answer.

The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor had an answer about PMS in the Bible.

The Pastor replied, "Yes, it's the part where Mary rides Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!!!".

# He Looked Very Angry

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I actually did once."

"And how did your husband look?"

"Angry, very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us!"

# The Exterminator

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the hell are you?!" the man asks.

"I'm from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says... "Those little bastards!"

# False Pretenses *

Bob and Sue have been married for twelve years. And never have sex with the lights on.

One night Sue turned on the lights while they were having sex. And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildol in his hands.

Sue yelled "you impotent fucker! You lying son of a bitch. You ..."

Bob stopped her and said, "I'm a lying son of a bitch? Then maybe you would like to explain our three kids?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Passing Notes **

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,

THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.

THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,

COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.

It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,

PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.

THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,

NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP,

AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.

SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,

AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied:

I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S

THE BEST IN THE LAND.

BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW,

SO DO IT BY HAND!!

_** Risque_

# Parrot with No Legs **

A guy walks into a pet store and asks the clerk if he has a talking parrot. The clerk says that they have only one parrot left in the store who can talk, but the parrot has no legs.. The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The clerk tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch. The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home.

On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says, "Sure I can talk!" The guy thinks for a second and then says, "I've got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while I'm gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man."

The parrot agrees to watch the man's wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.

Parrot: "Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!"

Man: "Then what happened after that?"

Parrot: "They started taking each other's clothes off."

Man: "And then what?"-getting more angry

Parrot: "Your wife started jacking him off!"

Man: "What next?"-really steamed by this time

Parrot: "She started giving him a blow job!"

Man: "And what then, did they do anything else?"

Parrot: "I don't know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!"

_** Risque_

# A Peculiar Problem **

A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.

"My husband," she said, "always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me."

"Is that a problem?" asked the therapist.

"Well," she said, "the problem is he walks in his sleep!"

_** Risque_

# New Rifle Scope **

An avid hunter, who just got a raise, decides to buy a new scope for his deer rifle. He goes to a sporting goods shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The hunter takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

_** Risque_

# Life of the Party

The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly flushed, had been the life of the party.

"John," she said, "did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic, and how handsome you are?"

"No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife, "I don't think anyone ever did?"

"Well," she snapped, "then where did you ever get the idea!!!"

# Coconut Tree Perspective *

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.

One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled - "Stop fucking her down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" asked the husband after the sailor came back down. "We weren't doing anything."

"Sorry," said the sailor. "from up there it looked like you were."

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

"By golly, he's right," said the husband. "It DOES look like they're fucking down there!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Golden Urinal

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!"

She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.

"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, - I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"

# A Shorter Line

This man comes to the Pearly Gates and is a little confused as to whereto report to God to get a determination on Heaven or Hell. He sees one sign that says: "For Women" and then notices a sign that says: "For Men."

As he approaches the aisle for men, he sees one window with a sign: "For men who were dominated by women in life". The line of men standing in that line was very long.

Then he saw another sign that said :"For men who dominated women." He went to the second window and was the only one in the line.

At the window, God approached him and remarked, "Wow, I have not had a man stand in this line for over a hundred years - you must be a tough person."

"Well no," he replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

# Calling Hubby at Work

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .

Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"

Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."

Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"

Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."

# Stranger in My Bed *

Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.

"You rotten bastard!" yelled the husband..."I'm going to kill you!"

"Wait!, said Mrs. Jones". You know that fur coat I got last winter? Well, he gave it to me.

And that diamond ring we sold for $1000's? Well, he gave it to me.

And remember when we couldn't aford a new car and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me."

After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaims... "For heaven sake woman, it's drafty in here. Cover him so he doesn't catch cold!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Nag, Nag, Nag

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named William Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed...

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered, to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

At which the attorney whirled 'round and shouted hysterically, "For crying out loud . . . don't you ever stop?"

# Disgusting Offense

A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia --for making love to a dead woman.

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn'tlock you up and throw away the key!"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons: first, It's none of your damn business; second, she was my wife; and.....third, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way during sex!!

# Family Discussion

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?" Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts... depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."

# Thrifty Obituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of $.50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Bob Smith died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, in that case, let it read: "Bob Smith died. Golf clubs for sale."

# Hey Crisco

An old woman was wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Cri-i-i-ssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approached and said "Ma'am, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old lady replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff, I'm calling my husband."

"Your husband's name is Crisco?" asked the store clerk.

The old woman answered, "oh, no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."

"Well, what do you call him when you're at home?"

"Lard Ass," responded the old woman.

# The Baby Photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too.....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living ! room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling; I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted!.... 

# The Afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Mary . . . Mary .. . ."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex

pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

# The Best Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know,he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

# Big Game Hunter **

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

_** Risque_

# Going to Las Vegas

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked.

"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!"

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

# Empty Pay Envelope

Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

# Shower Room Scandal

At a golf club a bunch of women are having tea. Then one woman discovers that the men's locker room at some distance below their balcony has its door ajar. And a man is taking a shower with his head unseen. So this woman chuckles and says: "I am glad that that is not my husband--how embarrassing!" A second woman acknowledges: "I am glad that he is not my boyfriend ....hmmm!"

A third woman then says: "I don't know whether he is my husband or not, but I sure know that he is not any of the men here at this golf club."

# Wild Newfie Sex *

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.

The Englishman says to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"

"Well," says the Frenchman, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft,even breath, and that drives her wild."

Then the Frenchman says, "And what do you do to drive your wife wild?"

To which the Englishman replies, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"

Then the pair turn to the Newfoundlander and ask him what he does.

"Naawww you don't want to know what I do" he says.

So they buy him a few more drinks and he loosens up a bit more, and again, they ask him what he does.

"Well..," he says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives her wild."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# You Won't Respect Me ***

A young man is on a date with a young woman and they go parking. After some heavy petting he asks her for oral sex. "No," she says, "you won't respect me." So he is content to wait. After they had been dating a few months, he again asks her for oral sex. Again the reply, "No, you won't respect me."

Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride "Honey, please, we're married now. You know I love you and respect you. Can we please have oral sex?" "No," she says, "I just know that if I do that you won't respect me." So the man waits... and waits... and waits....

After 20 years of marriage the man says, "Honey, we've been together 20 wonderful years now. We've raised three beautiful kids. You KNOW that I love you and respect you completely. How about oral sex, just once ???? Please ??????" and the wife finally gives in to her husband's wish and performs oral sex on him. After she is done they are lying in bed relaxing and the telephone rings. The husband turns to his wife and says, "Answer that you cocksucker."

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Thrown Out of Bed

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said:

"You rest here while I register for the convention - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrance, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in.

"What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies:

"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

# Let's Negotiate **

Ned was feeling amorous as he reached over and ran his hand under his wife's nightie.

"Now don't get yourself too worked up," she said "I have an appointment with my gynecologist in the morning and I'm not supposed to have intercourse the night before my examination."

"You don't have a dental appointment in the morning do you?" asks Ned.

_** Risque_

# Additional Income

A women needs money which her husband refuses to give her. So she decides to go out and earn it on her own.

She comes home with fifty dollars and twenty-five cents.

"Who's the cheapo who only gave you a quarter?" her husband asks.

"They all did."

# Dearly Departed Husband **

After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.

Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.

"Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

"And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air, "there's that blow job I was promising you."

_** Risque_

# Dusty Shorts

One morning Fred got out of the shower and took a pair of underwear out of the drawer ."What the hell?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"Honey!," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

His wife shot back: "It's not talcum powder . . . . . . . It's Miracle Grow."

# Fighting the Fire

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and headed for the door ... his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!"

Tom replied, "I'm not, but my girlfriend's husband is..."

# When I Get Home *

The reporter met the troop ship bring back demobilized soldiers after World War II. He wanted to write a human interest story, and asked one soldier, "What's the first thing you'll do when you get home?"

The soldier immediately replied, "Fuck my wife."

The reporter realized he'd never get that printed, and asked, "Oh. Well, what's the second thing?"

"Then I'll take off these Goddam filthy combat boots!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Suburban Sex Survey

A graduate stucent in psychology was writing his thesis on sexual frequency of surburban couples. He was going door to door gathering information and writing it down on his survey sheet. After a few successful interviews, he knocked on the door of a house which was answered by an attractive blonde woman.The student explained his purpose and asked the blonde if she would mind answering a few questions.

"No," she said, "I'm from Sweden and were very open about sex there."

"How many times a week do you usually have sex with your husband?" asked the student.

"Three times," she said without hesitation.

"That is once more often than your neighbour," the student said, writing.

"That makes sense," the blonde said, "after all, he's my husband."

# Girls Night Out **

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."

_** Risque_

# Made Him a Millionaire

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire."

# Wrong Finger

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

# Experienced Fruit Picker

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

# I've Lost My Wife

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

# Have Some Fun

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

# Husbands and Cars

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. He needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

# Husbands and Sports

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

# Do Anything You Want

A man came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy little nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went out for a round of golf.

# The Bad Looser

George was a bad loser. When he was cleaned out in a poker game for very high stakes, he slapped his hand on the table and got up to leave. As he walked past, he couldn't resist insulting Max McTavish, the bald man who had cleaned him out.

As George walked past, he ran a hand over Max's bald head and said sarcastically, "Your bald head feels just like my wife's ass."

Not to be outdone, Max put a hand to his head and said, "By golly, George. You're right. It does!" 

# The Wolf Man's Wife

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

# The Aroused Gorilla

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.

The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."

Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"

# I Want Her Back Again

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!" 

# Speech Impediment

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:

"If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!" 

# Anniversary Presents *

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Great Prices

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business." 

# The Math Professor **

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

_** Risque_

# Free at Last *

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# God's Gift to Women *

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It'd be so great. When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It'd be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn't mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What's left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# How Many Women?

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

# American Beer *

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Always That Doubt

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."

His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt."

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.

Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

"So did anything happen?"

"I have some bad news for you," says the friend.

"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light."

"Then what happened?" says the man.

"I don't know. It was too dark to see."

"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."

# A Scrote *

An elderly couple went into a drug store picked up some medications, some shaving items for the man and some hair care products for the woman. When they got to the check out counter they started arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# What is the Problem?

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

# Biker with a Hangover

Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

# Whatever You Need

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer

"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.

"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle." 

# Just Hold Me

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!" 

# Good Factory Workers

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them." 

# Ted's Vacation

Ted was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way he had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

He had ignored his wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but he didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that Ted had to offer some consolation.

"That's okay, honey," he said. "You still have me."

She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!" 

# Without My Glasses

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

# Anniversary Flowers

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.

Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

# College Majors

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. She communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

# Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

# Down for the Count

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks,"What did you say '123' for?

# Female Controller

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

# Almost Inseparable

Two guys are sitting at the bar having a beer. The first guy strikes up a conversation with the second guy by saying:"I really enjoy coming down to the bar and getting away from my wife, after twenty-eight years of marriage she is starting to drive me nuts."

"That's funny," says the second guy, "My wife and I have been married for over thirty years and we're almost inseparable."

"I find that hard to believe," says the first guy.

"Well if you don't believe me," says the second guy, "you can check out my story at the court house." "At the court house?" Asks the first guy.

Yep," says the second guy with a smile, "why just last week it took four state troopers and a dog to tear us apart!"

# Leaving You for Good

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! -Your Ex-wife

Dear Ex-wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed, Rich As Hell and Free!

# What Did You Do All Day?

A man came home from work and found his five children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dogs.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

# Straight Talk **

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

"Mother, where do babies come from?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.

"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

_** Risque_

# Dead Pussy *

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Perfect Day **

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale

9:30 Light Breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.

7:00 Shower and massage.

7:30 Blowjob.

7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.

8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.

8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.

9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.

12:30 Blowjob.

12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.

3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.

6:15 Blowjob.

6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.

7:30 Shit, shower, shave.

8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).

9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero

10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries

11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

_** Risque_

# Outrageous Climaxes

A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"

# Soft Boiled Eggs

She was in the kitchen getting ready to make soft boiled eggs for breakfast.

He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

He, thinking it's his lucky day, bends her over the kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says, "The egg timer's broken!"

# Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........ so does she."

# Relatively Speaking

A farmer and his wife drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

# Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

# Supermarket Shoplifter

An elderly housewife was caught shoplifting in a large supermarket. The store manager had been experiencing a noticible increase in shoplifting in his store and decided to press charges against the woman to make it clear to other potential shoplifters that he would no longer tolerate even minor shoplifting in his store.

When she appeared in court, the judge asked the woman why she had shoplifted.

"My husband and I are retired on a fixed income," replied the woman, "and the cheap old bastard will not give me enough money to buy all the groceries we need."

"What did you steal from the store?" asked the judge.

"A can of peaches," replied the woman.

"How many peaches were in the can? asked the judge.

"Six peaches," replied the woman.

"Then I am going to sentence you to six months in jail," said the judge, "now does anyone in the court want to comment on this sentence before I close this case?"

At that point, an elderly man in the back of the courtroom stood up and raised his hand. "Identify yourself and tell the court what objection you have to this sentence," said the judge.

"I am this woman's husband," said the man, "and I do not have any objection to your sentence, I just wanted to point out that she also stole a can of peas."

# Drown Your Sorrows

The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the bartender asked him, "you trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?"

"You could say that," the guy replied.

"It usually doesn't work, you know."

"No shit," the man moaned. "I can't get my wife anywhere near the water!" 

# Three Unfaithful Wives

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

# No Bed of Roses

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered.

"I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

# The Starter Pistol **

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"

The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating. "

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"

The other guy says, "Hamm... I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said."

The first guy says, " So??? What happened?"

The other guy says, "She bit my cock, pooped on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! "

_** Risque_

# Which is Worse?

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

Which is worse: having your girlfriend find out you're married, explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis, or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring?

# Worried Womanizer

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.

"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop doing his wife."

"So stop!" the barkeep said.

"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The jerk didn't sign his name!"

# Need Some Variety **

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he's going to divorce his wife.

"Good grief," says Jim, "you and Sue are the happiest couple I know! Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"

"Well," replies Fred, "truth be known, I'm just bored with screwing the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankering' for a bit of variety."

Jim replied, "Well, if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"

Fred says, "What? And have a house full of kids?"

_** Risque_

# Stupid Wives

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.

'' Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,'' he laments, ''and she doesn't even know how to drive!''

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me every time I think of it,'' he chuckles. ''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!''

# Ten Year Bender

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.

" Elliot," she said, pointing, "Do you see that man drowning bourbon at the bar?" The husband looked over and nodded.

"Well", the woman continued,"he's been drinking like that for ten years, ever since I jilted him".

The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth that much celebrating."

# Thoughtful Hubby

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''

The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''

The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

# Special Anniversary

On their Twenty-fifth anniversary, a husband took his wife to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned. After returning home, the couple saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles.

There was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded, "we could vacuum . . ."

# Chapter 3

# Medical & Hospital Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a doctor on a bus may appear here and in the Train, Bus & Taxi Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Going Up **

A man and a woman get into an elevator in a medical building. The man presses the button for the seventh floor then turns to the woman and asks what floor she is going to. The woman tells him the second floor and he pushes the button for her.

"I'm going to sell some blood," she says, "do you know that they pay $25 per pint for blood on the second floor."

"Yes I do," said the man, "in fact I used to do that myself until I found out that they paid $100 per ounce for sperm on the seventh floor."

The next week the same man and woman get on the same elevator. He again presses the button for the seventh floor and then turns to her and says "second floor?"

Mouth closed and cheeks bulging she shakes her head and holds up seven fingers.

_** Risque_

# Urine Sample

Paul is starting to get what he thinks may be tennis elbow. Not knowing what is causing the problem or how to deal with it he makes an appointment with a new doctor. When he makes the appointment the receptionist tells him to make sure and bring in a urine sample as the doctor is really into urology and needs to have a sample to analyze before he will be able to diagnose the problem.

"But my problem isn't an internal one," says Paul.

"That doesn't matter," says the receptionist, "that's our policy and if you want to see the doctor you need to bring in a urine sample."

Paul can't understand why he has to go through all the hassle of the urine sample and pay extra for the lab test, when it isn't even relevant. The more Paul thinks about it the angrier he gets. The problem is that, since his ailment is not an emergency, this is the only doctor he can get in to see without a two week delay.

Then Paul decides how he will deal with the situation. He takes a sample of his own urine and mixes it with some from his wife, his son, his daughter, the housekeeper, the cat, and the family dog. As soon as Paul arrives at the doctor's office the receptionist asks him if he has brought in the sample. He responds affirmatively and gives her the sample. She asks him to have a seat and that the doctor will see him as soon as he has analyzed the sample. After about twenty minutes the receptionist comes over to Paul and tells him that the doctor is having a little trouble getting a clear reading from the sample but should be with him in a few minutes. Knowing what the doctor is up against Paul just smiles and nods.

After a few more minutes the receptionist takes Paul into an examination room and tells him that the doctor will be in shortly. When the doctor comes in he apologizes for the delay and tells Paul that it is one of the hardest samples he has had to deal with.

"So," says Paul, "based on your analysis, what do you think the problem is?"

"Well as near as I can gather," says the doctor, "Your cat is in heat, your dog has diabetes, the housekeeper has syphilis, your daughter is pregnant, your son is on drugs, your wife is going through menopause, and if you don't stop masturbating so much you are going to have a sore elbow."

# What's Up Doc?

An elderly couple came into a doctors office and told him that they were having problems with their sexual performance and wanted to have him observe them having sex and then make any recommendations he thought would be helpful. The doctor agreed and led the couple to the examination room where he had them perform sex on the examination table. After they were through he told them that he could not notice anything out of the ordinary and that he did not have any recommendations to make.

A week later the same couple came back and asked the doctor to make the same observation. He again complied and again did not have any recommendations to make. The next week the same old couple came back and made the same request.

"You were here twice before and I could not find anything wrong," said the doctor "why do you keep coming back?"

"Well to be honest," says the man "we were just looking for a place to have sex. I'm married and we can't go to my house, she lives with her daughter and we can't go to her house, and the Holiday Inn charges us $60 for a room. On the other hand you only charge $25 for an office call and we get most of that back from Medicare."

# Horrible Headaches

Walt had started having terrible headaches. They were getting more severe and also more frequent so he went to the doctor. After running Walt through a series of tests, the doctor told him that the only way he could get relief from the headaches was to have his testicles removed. Feeling that this would take away his sex life and make him feel like less of a man, Walt demanded a second opinion. The second examination, by a noted specialist, confirmed the diagnosis and treatment solution made by Walt's original doctor.

Not wanting to go through life as a eunuch plus endure a painful and expensive operation, Walt still declined to have the surgery. Finally after several months of excruciating pain, Walt decided he had to have his testicles removed and scheduled the surgery. Although the pain went away after the surgery, Walt was still depressed. One of Walt's friends suggested that he go out and buy a whole new set of clothes as a way of boosting his spirits.

Good Idea thought Walt, so he went to the most exclusive men's store in town and told the clerk he wanted a whole new set of clothes from top to bottom. The clerk was an older man with a heavy British accent who prided himself on being an expert on men's clothing.

"I'd say you would take a 42 long jacket." says the clerk.

"That's right," says Walt "how did you know without taking any measurements?"

"I've been in this business for more than thirty years," says the clerk "and I can pick out a man's size by just looking at him."

"Maybe you just got lucky with the jacket," says Walt, "what about my other sizes."

"Sir," the clerk says "you take 36x32 slacks, a 16x34 shirt, 36" belt, 11D shoes, 11 socks, a large tee shirt, and size 36 jockey shorts. Isn't that correct?"

"Not quite says Walt "everything was correct except the shorts, I take a size 34 jockey shorts."

"I'm sure you're mistaken," says the clerk "you definitely take a size 36."

"I should know what size shorts I wear," says Walt.

"Very well sir," says the clerk, "but if you wear a size 34 it will cramp your testicles and give you horrible headaches."

# Looks Bad but Feels Good

Frank is walking down the street when one of his friends comes up to him and says "Are you feeling alright you sure look bad."

"But I feel good," says Frank.

A few blocks later Frank runs into another friend who tells him he isn't looking very good. So even though Frank is feeling good he thinks he better go to the doctor and see what is happening. Fortunately for Frank the local doctor is not very busy and he gets right in to see him.

"You don't look so good," says the doctor, "what kind of symptoms are you experiencing?"

"That's just it," says Frank, "everyone is telling me I look bad, but I actually feel good."

After a brief examination, the doctor is still puzzled and goes over to his desk and pulls out a large medical book. He starts thumbing through the book and speaking to himself. "Looks good - feels good, no that's not it..........looks good - feels bad, no that's not it........looks bad - feels bad, no that's not it either.........looks bad - feels good, Ah here it is..........hum."

The old doctor then turns to Frank and says "According to this, you're a vagina!!"

# Old Doctor's New Practice

An Old Doctor had been retired for a couple of years and started to get bored with playing golf and working on his stamp collection. He missed being a doctor and thought he would start a new practice out of his own house. So he set up a reception area and an exam room in his house and had his wife, who was a retired nurse, be part of his new practice.

He then put an add in the local paper advertising his new practice and indicating that he would cure any illness for a flat fee of $500. He was so sure of his abilities that he offered to pay $1,000 to the patient if he could not cure their problem.

An enterprising young fellow named Pete saw the ad and thought he would pick up some easy money from the old doctor, who had been out of practice for a couple of years. So Pete showed up at the old doctor's clinic and announced that he had lost his sense of taste. The old doctor told his nurse to get vile number 39 and put one drop on Pete's tongue.

Pete screamed and spit out the liquid and said "That stuff tastes terrible it must be gasoline."

The old doctor said "I guess I cured your sense of taste, that will be $500 please."

So now Pete was out $500 and needed to get the $1,000 guarantee to make a profit. So he went back to the old doctor's clinic the next day and announced that he had lost his memory. The old doctor advised his nurse to once again put a drop of liquid from vile number 39 on Pete's tongue.

At this, Pete screamed: "Oh no, you're not going to put that gasoline stuff in my mouth again."

The old doctor said "well I guess is cured your memory loss, that will be $500 please."

Now Pete was out the $1,000 he had hoped to cheat the old doctor out of, so he went back to the old doctor's clinic the next day to try and break even. This time he came in with a white cane and told the old doctor he had lost his sight.

After the old doctor had given Pete an eye exam and put some drops in his eyes, Pete said that he still couldn't see anything. So the old doctor admitted he wasn't able to cure Pete's blindness and agreed to pay the $1,000 he had promised in his ad. He then told Pete to put his hand out and started counting out the cash. "One hundred, two hundred, three hundred..."

At this point Pete interrupted the old doctor and said: "Hey, you're cheating me these are not hundred dollar bills, they're one dollar bills!"

The old doctor said: "well I cured your blindness, that will be $500 please."

# I'll Give it a Try **

A man is visiting his wife in the critical care unit of the hospital. She has been in a coma for almost a week and they have been doing everything they can to try and get her to respond and show some sign of mental activity. While the husband is straightening her covers he brushes against one of her breasts and notices that she moves and appears to have a slight smile. He then slips his hand inside her hospital gown and gently strokes her nipple. Again she responds. The man is very excited and locates her doctor and relays the incident.

"We never considered exposing her to sexual stimulus," says the doctor. This could be a breakthrough. Did you and your wife ever have oral sex."

"Yes," says the man, "why do you ask?"

"Well," says the doctor, "if we give you some privacy would you be willing to give that a try and see if you could get her to respond even more."

After about fifteen minutes behind the drape with his wife, the man comes out and is visibly shaken and almost in shock.

"Did she respond?" asks the doctor.

"No," says the man, "I think she's dead"

"Oh my god," says the doctor, "what happened?"

"I think she chocked to death," says the man.

_** Risque_

# Career Potential *

Clyde is talking to his old friend Bob over a beer at the local tavern. Clyde's son has just graduated from high school and is just sitting around the house and not looking for a job.

"I would really like him to get on at the county hospital, because that would give him some exposure to the medical profession and might be an incentive for him to go back to school and become a doctor or at least a lab technician," says Clyde. "You work at the county hospital Bob, any chance you might be able to get him on as an orderly or even a custodian?"

"As you know," says Bob "most of the jobs we have available require a great deal of training and certification, but I'll check around and see what might be available."

A week later Bob sees Clyde at the tavern, and goes up to him and tells him the good news "I think I have found a job for your son."

"Great," says Clyde, "what would he be doing?"

"Running our new circumcision machine," says Bob.

"What kind of a job is that?" says Clyde in a disappointed tone.

"It's a great job for a young kid." says Bob enthusiastically, "fifty skins a day and a chance to get ahead!!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# It Makes Me Sick ***

A patient has just come in for his annual physical examination and gone through all of the usual examinations and lab tests. As he is getting dressed, the doctor comes into the examination room with a clipboard full of papers.

"Well Mr. Smith," says the doctor, "your examinations have not revealed any problems, so unless we get something to be concerned about from your lab tests, you appear to be healthy as a horse. Is there anything you would like to discus with me?"

"Well there is one thing which troubles me a bit," says the patient, "I get sick when I have sex."

"That's very strange," says the doctor, "tell me more about it."

"Well," says the patient "when I put it in even a little way I get a queasy feeling,, when I put it in half-way I get nauseous, and if I put it in all the way I get really ill."

"I've never heard about anything like that before," says the doctor "lets have a look at it."

So the man opens his mouth and sticks out his tongue.

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Flavor of the Day ***

A wife was telling her husband about her day and added that she had also stopped by for an appointment with her gynecologist.

"Anything wrong," asks the husband.

"No," says the wife "just a mild yeast infection, so the doctor told me to start using a douche to keep it from coming back. When I got down to the drug store they now have douche in flavors. Since it wasn't any more money I got the flavored kind."

"Oh," says the husband, "what flavor did you get?"

"Tuna," says the wife.

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Do You Know What I'm Doing? **

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all professionalism immediately goes out the window.

Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this, he says to the woman, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sex with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

_** Risque_

# Taking Charge

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A women was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"

The women watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "but when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

# Babies by the Numbers

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the 3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?" "Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at 7-11."

# Rare Disease

A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says pointing to different parts of his body, "when I touch my arm it hurts. When I touch my neck it hurts. And when I touch my stomach it hurts. Do I have some rare disease?"

"No," the doctor replied, "you have a broken finger."

# Bad Gas

One day this old lady comes onto her doctor's office for an annual physical exam. After the doctor has given her a routine exam he asks her if she has any questions for him.

"Well," she responds, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent, and doesn't smell at all. In fact I have passed gas ten or twelve times while you were examining me."

The doctor writes her a prescription for some pills and tells her to take one everyday and come back in a week. So the old lady comes back, and when the doctor asks if her problem is any better she replies, "Well I don't know what you gave me but now my farts smell terrible!"

The doctor replies "Well now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!"

# I Can Take It All

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had developed an experimental machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. He explained carefully that the machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father. Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful idea, and decided to give it a try.

The doctor set the knob on the machine to ten percent for starters, explaining to the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he felt and asked the doctor to go ahead and turn it up a notch.

The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent, and checked the husband's blood pressure, which was fine. Amazed, the doctor turned the knob again and increased the pain threshold to fifty percent. Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give him all the pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to one hundred percent.

After his wife had given birth, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep

# Mystery Marks **

A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She gets undressed, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well,... yes, actually I have."

"That's the problem!" the doctor says, "Tell him that his earrings aren't made of real gold!"

_** Risque_

# Minor Surgery

There was a midget from Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend suggested that he go to the doctor and see what could be done to relieve the problem.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.The doctor told him to drop his pants & he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants & the doctor put him up onto the examining table & proceeded to look for the trouble. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to cough, which he did.

"Ah!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right one asked him to cough again, which he did. "Ahhh!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip,snip, snip on the right side & then snip, snip, snip on the left side and he told the midget to pull up his pants and see if his testicles still ached.The midget was delighted as he walked around the doc's office and his testicles were not aching.

"What did you do Doc?" the midget asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

# Quality Medical Care *

It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife is at the hospital in labor having their first child.

He rushes to the hospital, and goes to his wife's side. She has already had the child. He goes to the nursery to see the baby.

He spots the name on a crib and motions to the nurse. She points at the crib and Joe says, "Yes, he's my son."

The nurse picks up the baby and drops it on the floor.

Joe is aghast. The nurse says, "Don't worry." She picks up the baby and slaps it hard across the face several times. Joe turns white in horror as she throws the baby across the nursery. Joe is about to faint as she holds the baby by it's testicles and swings it around her head.

Joe screams, "Stop you're killing my baby!!!!"

The nurse responds, "April Fools... It was born dead...

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Delayed Reaction *

This ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment,where they got it on.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "sure".

The doctor asked "Do you remember who the woman was and where she lived?"

The old man said, "Sure, why?"

The doctor replied "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Theology of Health

In the Beginning, God Created the heavens and the Earth, and the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit, "and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth."

And so God created man in his own image: male and female created he them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and ;yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheesburger. And Satan sad to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained ten pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained ten pounds and his LDL cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth Nike and New Balance running shoes, and Man resolved to loose those extra pounds.

An Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another twenty pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil!" and God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man cluthced his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.

# Lost Track

Jack was in town to attend, and make a presentation at, a medical convention. He had arrived a day early to check out the facilities and put the final touches on his presentation. He was able to attend to these items in the morning and thought he would try out the local golf course to relax and kill some time until the convention started. It was a slow day and they put Jack out by himself. Although he was trying to relax and concentrate on his golf game his thoughts kept coming back to his presentation.

After a few holes he had lost track of what hole he was on so he walked up to the lady on the hole in front of him and confessed that he had lost track and wondered if she could help him out. She was very pleasant and told him that since she was on the seventh hole he must be on the sixth hole. He thanked her and returned to his game.

Later in the afternoon the same situation happened on the back nine. Again Jack lost track of where he was and had to go up and ask the lady on the hole in front of him what hole he was on. Again she pleasantly informed him that she was on sixteen so he must be on fifteen. After Jack had finished his game he went into the clubhouse for a drink. On entering the bar, Jack noticed the lady sitting by herself at one of the tables. He asked the bartender who the lady was and was informed by the bartender that she was not a regular, but was in town to attend the medical convention.

Jack took his drink over to the lady's table and introduced himself. "I would like to buy you a drink for being so accommodating he said, and I believe we are both in town to attend the same convention. What is your specialty?' Jack asked.

"I'm a gynecologist," the lady responded.

At that Jack started laughing.

"What is so funny about that?'" asked the lady, somewhat insulted.

"I didn't mean any offense by my reaction," said Jack "It's just that I'm a proctologist, so I guess I'm still one hole behind you."

# Basic Training

A naive young fellow got engaged to a lovely girl, and when they went in for their blood tests it quickly became apparent to the doctor that the husband-to-be had no idea what sexual intercourse consisted of.

Taking pity on the bride, Dr. Jones explained about the birds and the bees and the coconut trees, but the vague smile on the young man's face was unconvincing. The doctor's second attempt to explain the ritual of the wedding night left the groom-to-be smiling and nodding, but clearly baffled. So the good doctor gave it one more try, to no avail.

Thoroughly frustrated, the doctor instructed the young woman to undress and lie down upon the examination table. She obeyed happily enough, and Dr. Jones, a humanitarian through and through, proceeded to demonstrate for the young man. For forty minutes he demonstrated.

Finally, sweaty and exhausted, he hauled himself up on his elbows, turned to the fiancé, and said, "Now do you understand what I've been trying to tell you?" At last a glimmer of comprehension came into the young man's blue eyes. "I've got it now, Doc," he cried happily.

"Good, good," said the doctor in relief, getting down from the table and pulling up his pants. "Do you have any further questions?"

"Just one," admitted the young man."

"Yes," asked the doctor testily.

"All I need to know, Dr. Jones, is how often do I have to bring her in?"

# What's Going On?

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.

Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

# Hungry Baby

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.

She was told to go into the room and wait for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

After the woman had stripped to the waist, the doctor pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a vigorously detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she said, "I'm the Johnson's maid and Mrs. Johnson asked me to bring the baby in for his checkup, but now I'm glad I came."

# Doctor's Orders

A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "I've noticed that you're seeing a much younger woman and I'm concerned that you may over exert yourself?"

The man replied, "I'm just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful,'"

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

# First Things First

An East Indian man named Raju was involved in a car accident. At the hospital, when he awoke, he called for the nurse to tell him what had happened to him.

"I'm very sorry, sir, but you were involved in a very bad car crash."

"Car crash! My Porsche! my Porsche! is my car all right?" he asked hysterically.

"Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries. You lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it," she said apologetically.

"I lost my arm? My Rolex! My Rolex!"

"Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries. You are in a very critical condition, but all your family are here to see you." He asked for his family to be called in. As they gathered around the bed, he called for each of them by name.

"Pushpa, are you here?"

"I am here husband, and I will never leave you."

"Dilip, are you here?"

"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Anil, are you here?"

"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Priya, my child, are you here?"

"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Well," said Raju thoughtfully, "if Pushpa, Dilip, Anil and Priya are here, if all of you are here...

...who the hell is looking after the shop?!"

# Fully Operational

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

# No Special Privileges

Vice President Dick Cheney sercomes to a massive heart attack and ends up in St. Peter's office in heaven. After a morning tour of heaven, St. Peter takes Dick to a restaurant for lunch. Since they get there right at noon, there is a considerable line.

"I apologize for the long line," says St. Peter, "but all of God's children are considered equal here, so you have to wait in line regardless of how important you were down on earth."

"I understand'" says Dick, " its a good policy and I'm not in any hurry now anyway."

About that time, a man in green scrubs with a stethoscope around his neck goes to the front of the line and is admitted immediately.

"What's the deal here/" asks Dick indignantly, " I thought no one here got special privileges here in heaven."

"Oh," responds St. Peter, "that's God he just thinks he's a doctor."

# Final Justice

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."

St. Peter said, "You may enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves."

St. Peter invited him into heaven, too.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care."

St. Peter said, "You can come in also."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You may stay for three days. After that you can go to hell!"

# Professional Ethics *

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"

The Doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."

About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"

Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."

Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"

"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just can't kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Red Tape

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, " What took you so long?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

# Sticker Shock

A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"

"What type?" the woman asked.

"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.

"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."

"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.

"Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs."

"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied.

# Proctologist Exam

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The receptionist told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there was a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer on a stand next to the doctor's desk.

When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the beer is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........Dammit, nurse! I said a butt light."

# Your Order is Ready

An doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, maybe I can figure it out."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead paramedic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read:"Four orders of spaghetti - two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

# Just to be Safe

This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

# Cross Examination

An attorney is cross examining a doctor who has given expert testomony in court on the basis of an autopsy he had conducted on the deceased.

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

A: "No."

Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?"

A: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.."

# Blonde on a Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping," says the blonde.

# A Rare Condition

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue, wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy"?

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, I'm a doctor and "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper".

# Top Notch Condition

John is out on the golf course and takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor.

John says, "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor says , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So the doctor takes four tongue depressors and forms a neat little 4-sided bandage and wires it all together. It is an impressive work of art. John mentions none of this to his girlfriend.

They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she takes off her bra to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

Next she drops her panties and says "look at this vagina, it has never been seen or touched by any man."

Not wanting to be outdone, John pulls down his shorts, whips it out and says, "look at this penis, it's still in the crate!"

# A Long Life Ahead

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years.Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

# This Pen Won't Write

A doctor walks into the bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls out a rectal thermometer from his shirt pocket and tries to write with it.

He pauses for a moment, realizes his mistake, then looks up at the teller and says, "Well, that's great. Just great. Some asshole's got my good pen."

# Unusual Reaction

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."

The old man stood there and looked extremely concerned.

The doctor just shook his head, and said "I have no Idea what could cause such a reaction, but will try and find out and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine with you. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns, that everything was just dandy.

The doctor then told her: "Well, your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Would you happen to know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fool!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December"

# How Can I Know for Sure

A blonde goes into the health clinic for a routine physical and is informed by the examining doctor that she is two months pregnant. The blonde is both surprised and distressed.

Noting this the doctor inquires:"Is this pregnancy going to be a problem for you?'

"No, not really" says the blonde, "I've always wanted children .... it's just that I think that my husband may be cheating on me."

"Under the circumstances, I hope that isn't the case," says the doctor compassionately.

After a few moments of silence the blonde asks: "Is there any way to tell for sure if this baby is mine."

# Big for My Age

"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.

When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths."

"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"

# Which Came First?

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.

The doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?"

"No," said the rabbi. ''It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world."

"Wait," said the engineer, "The world was created in six days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized, civilized place from utter chaos?"

"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...

# Rough Treatment **

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, "Are you my daddy?"

The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, "Are you my daddy?"

The doctor says, "No, I'm not your father."

They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, "Are you my daddy?"

And the father says, "Yes, I am!"

So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, "How do you like that?! How do you like that?!

_** Risque_

# Not a Problem

A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they spoke, her Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room - yet she made no attempt to restrain him.

Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor, "I hope you don't mind my Little Johnny playing in there."

"No, not at all," said the doctor calmly. "I'm sure he'll quiet down as soon as he finds the poison."

# Too Much Testosterone

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

# God Looks After Me

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.

The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

# Severe Stress Disorder

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

"What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

# Doctor Feelgood **

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.''

''On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.''

''Well, all right,'' the doctor said. ''On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

** Risque

# Ed Zachery Disease

There once was a very distraught woman, who was upset because she had not had a date in quite some time. She decided she would seek the medical expertise of Dr. Kayoto, the very well-known Japanese sex therapist. After stepping into his office and explaining her problem, he asked her to take off all her clothes.

"Now," he said. "Get down and craw reery reery srory to odder side of room." The woman did.

"Now," he said. "Now craw reery reery fass back to me." The woman did. The Dr. looked at her mournfully and said "I vely solly. Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachery Disease."

"Ed Zachery Disease? What's that?"

"Vewy sad. It's when your face rook Ed Zachery rike your ass."

# Extremely Bad Luck

A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he's been without for so long. Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex four times.

After it's over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn't had sex in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital.

"How's the food there?" asks the hooker.

"Not too bad," says the guy,"why do you ask?"

"Because," says the hooker, "I'm scheduled to go in there tomorrow!"

# A Pair of Bad Memories

There were two old people that are married and have been for fifty years. One day they went to a doctor because they recently had been forgeting things and they were afraid that they would leave the stove on.

The doctor said, "There is no way medically, but you could always write notes to help you remember things."

That night, as the wife was getting up, her husband asked what she was doing.

She replied, "I was just going to make some ice cream."

The husband insisted that he would make it.

As he was walking into the kitchen, she called out, "With a cherry on top!"

"Okay dear," he replied. "And sprinkles too!"

"Okay dear."

From the kitchen came sounds of banging pots and pans and nearly twenty minutes later he came back into the room with bacon and eggs.

The wife said "Where's the toast?

# Can You Hear Me Now?

An old man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" No reponse. He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response. Five feet, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She says, "For the fourth time, I said chicken!"

# You Got Me Pregnant

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end.

Finally, she hears Bill's voice."Who is this?'

# A Post Turtle

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.

The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

# They Just Keep a Coming

In the back woods of Arkansas, a young farmer's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

# Redneck Birth Control

A redneck and his wife from the hills ofArkansas move up north to Ohio. They decide that they don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a local doctor in Ohio.

The doctor notices the man has an accent and asks what state he is from. The redneck says that he is from Arkansas. The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10.

The redneck isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor. When the secondt doctor finds out that the redneck is from Arkansas, he gives him the same directions as the first doctor did.

The redneck figures that the doctors must be right. So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count. ''1...2...3...4...5...''

The redneck then takes the soda can and puts it between his legs to continue counting on his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''

# Southern Sex Education *

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?'' he asked.

''Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?''

''Ma'am,'' he answered, ''that there is called a penis.''

''I see,'' she said. ''Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?''

''Why that there is called the head of the penis.''

''I do declare!'' exclaimed the young woman. ''One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?''

''I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!'

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Lab Test Specimens

A elderly man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.

The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:

''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!'

# An Important Question

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband wants me to ask you...,'' to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.''

''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed. ''He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.'

# Nonfatal Gun Shot Wound

One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.

So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,''Where's my heart located?''

''On a woman, it's usually located under her left breast,'' the doctor replied.

The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee. 

# Deadly Habits

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.

Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, "I don't care if I die, I need a drink." The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.

Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, "If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead."

# The English Patient

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU IDIOT -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!

# A Healthy Walk

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it all right if she carries my golf bag while we walk?"

# Powerful Prescription **

A worried teenage kid goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.''

The doctor examines the teenager and finds the has a red ring around his penis. The doctor writes him out a perscription and tells him it should clear up the problem.

The teenager goes into the drug store and has the prescription filled. The pharmacist gives him a small tube of ointment and tells him to apply it to the effected area twice a day until the redness is gone.

The next day the teenager comes into the drug store and tells the pharmacist ''It's all cleared up, what was that medication you gave me?''

''Lipstick remover," says the pharmacist.

_** Risque_

# Surgical Solution **

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

"Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"

_** Risque_

# No Surgery Required *

A businessman returns from the middle east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the middle east, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."

The man panics, but figures if it is common in the Aisa they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan. The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"

The man replies, "Yes, a few back home in the States."

The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."

The man answers, "Yes!"

The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Mysterious Happenings

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil........ Just when the clock struck 11....

Sven, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

# International Sex Research *

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75, the Canadian study was complete.

They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# It Could be Worse

A man went to the doctor to get a physical. After the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.

The man replied, '' Well, at least I don't have cancer.'

# Six Foot Cockroach

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.

He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

# Graphic Lesson

A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the importance of observing details. To emphasise his point, Sir Osler announced, "This bottle contains a sample for analysis. It's often possible by tasting it to determine the disease from which the patient suffers."

He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He continued speaking, "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this techinque and diagnose the case."

The bottle made it's way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown.

Dr. Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying, "Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had you been observant, you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!"

# How Long Have I Got?

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

# A Healthy Move

On doctor's orders, Melling had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.

Melling's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of.

"Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.

"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here."

The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.

"He looks good," the brother said. "The doctor was right, hose two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."

# Medical Terminology

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

# Tools of the Trade

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."

# Runs in the Family

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" the physician asked.

"Neither," the patient replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," said the physician. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

The patient just sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

# Special Birthday Dedication

On the hospital radio the DJ was reading out some requests.

"This is a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's one hundred and eleven!"

Puzzled by how someone could be that old, he re-read the message on the sheet of paper in front of him, and then said, "Oh, sorry, I read that wrong, it's a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's ill."

# You've Got Rabies

A tough man was feeling very ill and went to the doctor.

The doc examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."

"Could you give me a pen and paper?" asked the man.

"Do you want to write your will?"

"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."

# A Very Bad Cold

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath, and as soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."

# Don't Get Excited

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

# Really Bad News

Doctor: I have some bad news and some really bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the really bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

# A Big Weight Problem

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say "Moo!"

# The Starving Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed,

"What's the bad news?".

With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

# Take Your Medicine

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says:

"Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers:

"Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says,

"You're not drinking enough water."

# Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

# Only One Explanation

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?"

Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

# Reflective Examination *

This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror.

The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.

The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Excessive Blood Loss

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours." she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"

After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

# Diplomatic Analogy

After marrying a sweet young woman, a 90-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."

"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly," replied the doctor.

# Constipated Russia

With modern medical conveniences coming into Russia since the USSR's breakup, many Russians still have to learn how to do things that westerners understand from modern culture.

One Doctor working in an outback part of the country was visited by a old Russian man with severe constipation. Being in a hurry, the doctor gave the poor Russian some suppositories and sent him away with a scheduled checkup in three days. Three days passed and the old Russian man arrived back at the doctors.

"So how did those work for ya?", the doctor asked.

The old Russian, with a look of disgust replied: "Doctor! They tasted like shit; They stuck in my throat; and for as much good as they did me, I might as well have shoved them up my ass!"

# Take Precautions **

A woman goes to her doctor and says, "Doctor, my husband has developed a penchant for anal sex. So I came to you for advice."

"Ok, let's see...does it hurt you?"

"Hmmmm .. a little."

"Do you like it?"

"Hmmm ..... well, yes."

"Then, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't do it. If you take care about not getting pregnant."

"Getting pregnant? I didn't know you could get pregnant in that way."

"Of course you can. Where do you think all lawyers come from?"

_** Risque_

# Emergency Call

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a condom in a foil packet."

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

# Miracle Doctor

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.

So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.

So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.

One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

# Two Red Ears

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-bitch called back."

# Coffee Complications

A blonde calls her doctor and complains that she has been a lot drinking coffee and it is making her eyes hurt.''

"I've never heard of a problem like that before," says the doctor. Why don't you switch to decaffeinated coffee and call me back in a week if the problem does not go away."

So a week later the blonde calls the doctor and reports that she has switched to decaf coffee, but that her eye problem is getting even worse. So the doctor tells her to schedule an appointment so he can see what is happening to her eyes. In the meantime, don't drink any coffee at all.

By the time she came in for her examination, the blonde's eyes had started to get better. After the examination the doctor said: "You can start drinking coffee again, but this time make sure to take the spoon out of the cup before you start drinking."

# Acute Appendicitis

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''

The blond yelled at the doctor... ''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!''

# Blind Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.

Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

Doctor: "I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

Priest: "Hey, here comes the marshal. Let's have a word with him."

Priest: "Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"

George: "Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge."

Doctor: "Wow! Thanks for the scoop, George."

Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

After a short pause ...

Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

# College Pride **

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

_** Risque_

# Draw the Blinds

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

# Dislodging the Bee **

One day a young newlywed couple were in the honeymoon suite at a beautiful tropical resort. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the resort's doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if you would permit".

The new husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes,the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The new husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

_** Risque_

# Powerful Pills

A very frustrated man visits his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe anything..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."

# Interesting Prescription

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a sedative plus a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

# A Touch of Pneumonia

"You've got a touch of pneumonia," said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.

"Are you sure, sir?" queried one worried man. "I have known a lot of people in civilian life who were told they have pneumonia but then to die of something quite different."

"You are not a civilian anymore, Samson. You're in the Army!" thundered the medical officer. "And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia."

# Two Minute Contractions

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot !" the man shouts. "This is her husband !"

# The Doctor's Wife

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

# The Plumber's Bill

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

# The Mechanic's Bill

After receiving the bill for having his car fixed, a doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your hourly labor rate for auto repair is more than I get paid for providing medical care to my patients."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."

# Playing Doctor

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

# Checking on a Patient

A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Dr.Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"

# Walking the Patient

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!" 

# Treating the Veterinarian

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

# Sheep's Heart

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup.

The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?"

The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"

# Two Doctors in Bed

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".

She confirms and asks how he knew.

"Easy, you're always washing your hands."

She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."

Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"

Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."

# Duck Hunting Doctors

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

# Healthy Family

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"

# Adjustable Face Lift

This women of sixty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"

# Elderly Virgin *

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Wrinkle Removal

An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.

On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn't recognize him at first. "Rob, is that really you?" said the friend. "You look years younger. I didn't know you had a dimple in your chin."

"It's not a dimple, it's my belly button" said the old man and his friend laughed.

"If you think that's funny, take a look at what I'm wearing for a tie!"

# Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night!"

# Sex Drive Adjustment

An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, "I need my sex drive lowered."

The doctor, incredulous, says, "What? You want your sex drive lowered?"

To which the old man replies, "It's all in my head; I need it lower!"

# Take in a Boarder

There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didn't work.

However, the doctor suggested, "If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder."

The old man agreed.

The old man didn't see the doctor until they met at a fund-raiser a year later.

The old man says, "Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant."

"That's good news," said the doctor. "I knew the boarder would help."

"Oh," said the old man with a wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant as well."

# Terrible Car Accident *

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.

Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says -

"Hey, I'm just messinging with you, dude... you don't have to do all that stuff - she's dead!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Nice Hot Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.

Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub. Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

# What's the Good News?

A doctor tells his patient - "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news for you".

So, the patient asks, "What's the good news, Doc?"

And the doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you!"

# Incorrect Diagnosis

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.

They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.

One says, "my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia." Which of us is correct?

The old man replies, "Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!"

# Just Like Heart Surgery

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running!"

# One Thing at a Time

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"

The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"

# Spice Up Your Sex Life

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"

# Feminine Hygiene

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible.

Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible."

"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!!!"

# Suppository Insertion ***

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Vasectomy Gone Awry

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and tells him: "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you."

"Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient.

"I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son."

"Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears.

"But the good news," the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!"

# The Naval Surgeon

"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment.

"I'm a naval surgeon," he replied.

"Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days!"

# Two Proctologists

Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling cases.

One proctologist tells the other one about the time he put his hand into a patient and pulled out a large bouquet of flowers.

The other proctologist looked really amazed and asked, "Where did those flowers come from?"

The other proctologist answered very cooly, "How should I know. There wasn't any card!!"

# Doctor's Dinner Speech

A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech.

Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

# Read the Small Print

A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off.

At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read: "When your husband can read this without his glasses, it's time to get yourself to the hospital!"

# Childbirth Pain

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

# Gynecology Preference

A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology.

When she asked him why he chose gynecology, he said simply, "There's lots of openings!"

# Old Gynecologist

One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!"

The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!"

# Miracle Antibiotic

At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.

"What's it cure?" asks a member of the audience.

"Nothing we don't already have a drug for," the internist replies.

"Well, what's so miraculous about it?"

"One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times!"

# Mother's Milk

A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is: "Name the three best advantages of mother's milk."

The student immediately writes, "One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby.

Two: It is inside the mother's body and therefore protected from germs and infections."

But the student can't think of the third answer. Finally, he writes, "Three: It comes in such nice containers."

# Serious Burnout

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...

He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!"

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says: "Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!"

# Reasonable Fee *

A fellow went to the doctor one day and said, "Doc, I have a problem. My penis is red."

Doctor replied, "Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm...yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40."

The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadn't been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell. His friend said, "Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?"

So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him, "Doc, George recommended you...you've got to help me. My penis is blue."

Doc asks to take a look. "Ah yes... Ummm... Yep, we can take care of it, no problem, $400."

"FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS?" Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only $40."

"Yes, I did. But George's penis had lipstick on it. Yours has gangrene!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Burning Sensation

A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor, "Doctor, my penis has been burning lately."

And the doctor said reassuringly, "Don't worry son, that just means someone is talking about it."

# Tapeworm Treatment *

A guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight.

He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit.

When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy.

This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass.

Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit.

The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patient's ass.

After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Wrong Procedure **

There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. The doctors gathered at his bed afterwards to tell him the bad news.

"Ohhhh no!!!" the patient wailed, "I'll never be able to experience an erection again!"

"Of course you'll still be able to experience erections," replied one surgeon, "only it will have to be someone else's!"

_** Risque_

# Artificial Insemination **

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!

"Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.

"Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.

"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. We're all out of the bottled stuff... you'll just have to settle for what's on tap!"

_** Risque_

# An Unusual Ear Problem

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly, "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied!

# Pre-surgery Examination

An attractive young woman has been preped for an operation is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. She has nothing on but a sheet. As she lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet checks her over, and then leaves.

This happens a second time.

The third time this happens, she says, "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"

The man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"

# The Onion **

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.

"How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.

"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief.

But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects."

"What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously.

"Well, every time I piss, my eyes water.

When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn.

And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!"

_** Risque_

# Knee Pains **

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"

"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."

"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."

"Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't," she replied.

_** Risque_

# You Need to Cut Back

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

# Living a Long Time

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"

"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"

"Oh.. Half a pack a day."

"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.

The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"

"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."

"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."

The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"

"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.

" "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."

The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"

"Do you want to live long?"

"Yes."

"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."

The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"

"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

The man is appalled. "Doc...Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"

"I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!"

# About Your Prescription

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

# A Drinking Problem

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober!"

# But I've Got Good News

Doctor: "I have some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell first?"

Patient: "Uhhh, well, give me the bad news first, I guess."

Doctor: "You only have one week left to live."

Patient: "Oh no! What good news can you possibly tell me now?"

Doctor: "Well, you know that really hot-looking nurse who just came in here? I'm taking her out to dinner tonight, and who knows where the night will end!"

# Gender Analysis **

There were three ladies at the obstetrician's office, waiting to see what their results were. When the first young woman came back to the waiting room, she was very happy.

"I'm going to have a boy!" she declared. "The doctor said that if my husband was on top, I would have a boy."

When the second young woman came back, she was very happy, too. "I'm going to have a girl! The doctor said that if I was on top, I would have a girl."

Suddenly, the third young woman burst into tears. The other two tried to console her, but all she could say was "I'm going to have a puppy!"

_** Risque_

# A Medical Emergency

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

# A Change for the Worse

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him - "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

# The Redneck's Bad Breath

A redneck named Clem finally agrees to see the doctor because his wife can't stand his foul breath.

The doctor examines him and gives him some advide on how to solve his bad breath problem.

When he gets home his wife asks him what the doctor had recommended.

"Well," says Clem, "he gave me a couple of ways to solve the problem.

"What were they?" Asks the wife.

"He told me I sould either stop biting my nails or stop scratching my hemorrhoids!"

# Leroy's Vasectomy

This black guy named Leroy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, Leroy shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.

The doctor says, "Leroy, I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?"

To which Leroy responds, "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!"

# Switching Sides

A redneck goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live."

The redneck sits for a while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist."

The doctor asks,"You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?"

The redneck says, "Better one of them should die than one of us!"

# Helpful Faith Healer

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

# You're Beautiful

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

# What's Wrong with Me?

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

# A Small Problem

Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry, "Said the doctor, "I really am.....I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

# Whip Me

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"

The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.

A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.

The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.

The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"

# Medical Marvels

A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing . We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man,and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man,and have both of them looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

# Three Surgeons

Three surgeons were sitting in the hospital lunch room bragging about their greatest exploits. The first surgeon said "I once had a young boy who had lost all the fingers on his right hand in a farm machinery accident. I was able to reattach all the fingers, and with a few years of physical therapy he was able to regain complete control and in fact became a famous concert pianist."

Not to be outdone, the second surgeon said: "I once had a young man who had both of his legs severed in a automobile accident. I reattached the legs and with a few years of physical therapy he was not only able to walk again, but won the Boston Marathon two years in a row."

Finally the third surgeon said; "I don't want to minimize your accomplishments, but we had a fellow who was riding his horse down the railroad tracks when a speeding locomotive hit him at full speed. When they brought him to me all that was left was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Today he is President of the United States.

# A Logical Response

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched." The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, "What would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp, too."

# Brokeback Mountain

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for." 

# Just One Abnormality

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality, however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine ! if you don't mind.

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" Asked the doctor."

Running Doe replied, "We're called the Indiannippleless Five Hundred"

# A Long Life

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

# Quality Health Care

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eight weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled for six weeks from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients? The first is a Golden Retriever and the second is a Senior Citizen.

# Which is Worse?

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

Which is worse: having your girlfriend find out you're married, explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis, or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring?

# Sounds Scary

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

# Performance Pills **

Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.

Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.

The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex.

The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.

So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.

A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks: "Hello, how's the whole family doing??"

The son, who answered the phone, answers: "Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'."

_** Risque_

# Checking the Axle

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

# Twice a Day

This guy goes into a doctors and says, "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.

"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife," he answers back.

"That's not so much," says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary," replies the man.

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute," says the man.

"Well, that's definitely too much," says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."

"I do," says the man. "Twice a day!"

# Virginity Snapping *

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me"?

After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "what the *@#% was that? The wife explains, "oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping".

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!!!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Rich Doctor

A mother was anxiously awaiting her blonde daughter`s plane. The young blonde had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the blonde was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed,

"I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!"

# Battlefield Surgery

A soldier goes into a military field hospital for surgery after being wounded in battle.

Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bedside. "So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?"

The doctor says, "Son, we have some good news and some bad news."

"Yeah, what?" replies the patient.

"Well the good news is that we were able to save your private

parts."

"Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?"

"We put them under your pillow!"

# Redneck Testicles

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor.

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband."My testicles are turning purple."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor, "let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are purple.

The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape," says the wife.

# Jesse Jackson

Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic and fearing he really was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all.

Jesse did and replied, "That tasted like bullshit!"

The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low

# Way Too Long

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there anything you can do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still to long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.

The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!

# Nothing to be Scared About

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet; and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uh-huh"

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."

You're simply going through the change.

# The Wild Implant *

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?"

"Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action".

Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Doctors and Lawyers **

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?!

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

_** Risque_

# Cheaper Than Surgery **

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.

The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an another way that will cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor "worked" on her for several minutes.

After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.

"I tied your pubic hair," he answered.

_** Risque_

# Troubling Prescription

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

# Sexually Related Problem **

A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician.

"Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "I't's of a sexual nature and it's sort of embarrasing."

"Well," says the doctor," why don't you start off by telling me about your sexual routine."

"Well," says the businessman,"my secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.

"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."

_** Risque_

# Shock Therapy

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren-- and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

# Plumber's House Call

A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told it's his day off ...

"But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.

The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying,

"Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, come and see me tomorrow."

# Fee for Service

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. 

# Serious Surgery

Two little kids are in a hospital who were lying next to each other. The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

# The Physical Exam

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"All right," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

# A Matter of Perspective

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.

As part of her preparations, she went to see her doctor to get all of her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

# American Beer *

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# What is the Problem?

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

# Insomniac Accountant

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it." 

# All Mixed Up

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

# The Motorcycle Mechanic

A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic.

So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with Harley Davidson.

After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen Harley engine.

He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads.

He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.

He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.

Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.

"Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks.

"Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for?"

"For doing it all through the exhaust."

# Cause and Effect

Well, Ole's old lady was pregnant.So, he brought her to the doctor. The doctor delivered the baby, a little boy, and thedoctor looked over at Ole and said, "Hey Ole, guy! You just had a son!"

Ole got excited by this, but just then the Doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Yumpin yimminy! Ole, youse gots a daughter!"

Ole was kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor says,"Hold on, we ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy. He said, "Ole, you bugger... you just had anudder boy! But Dats it!"

So, Ole and his wife went home with the three children. When they got home, they began talking. Ole said, "Lena... you remember dat night? We ran out of Vaseline and had ta use dat 3-in-1 Oil." She said, "Yeah-hey!".

He said, "By cripes, it's a good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!"
Terry's Joke Collection

**Volume I - Animal to Bar Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Animal Jokes

Chapter 2 - Aviation Jokes

Chapter 3 - Bar & Pub Jokes

**Volume II - Barber to Domestic Staff Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Barber & Beautician Jokes

Chapter 2 - Bedside Jokes

Chapter 3 - Blind & Deaf Jokes

Chapter 4 - Blonde Jokes

Chapter 5 - Cafe & Restaurant Jokes

Chapter 6 - Cannibal & Jungle Jokes

Chapter 7 - College & University Jokes

Chapter 8 - Cowboy & Indian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Dentist & Optometrist Jokes

Chapter 10 - Domestic Staff Jokes.

**Volume III - Drugstore to Genie Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Drugstore & Pharmacy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Engineer & Programmer Jokes

Chapter 3 - Farm & Rural Jokes

Chapter 4 - Fireman & Paramedic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Fishing & Camping Jokes

Chapter 6 - Funeral & Cemetery Jokes

Chapter 7 - Garden of Eden Jokes

Chapter 8 - Gay & Lesbian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Genie & Magic Jokes

**Volume IV - Golfing to Kid Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Golfing Jokes

Chapter 2 - Heaven & Hell Jokes

Chapter 3 - Hobo & Drunk Jokes

Chapter 4 - Hooker & Stripper Jokes

Chapter 5 - Hotel & Motel Jokes

Chapter 6 - Hunting & Trapping Jokes

Chapter 7 - Kid & School Jokes

**Volume V - Lawyer to Medical Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Lawyer & Courtroom Jokes

Chapter 2 - Marriage & Relationship Jokes

Chapter 3 - Medical & Hospital Jokes

**Volume VI - Military to Newlywed Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Military & Nautical Jokes

Chapter 2 - Miscellaneous Jokes

Chapter 3 - Motorcycle & Biker Jokes

Chapter 4 - Nationality & Ethnic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Newlywed Jokes

**Volume VII - Nurse to Redneck Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Nurse & Receptionist Jokes

Chapter 2 - Parent & In-Law Jokes

Chapter 3 - Poker & Gambling Jokes

Chapter 4 - Police & Prison Jokes

Chapter 5 - Political Jokes

Chapter 6 - Psychiatrist & Asylum Jokes

Chapter 7 - Redneck & Hillbilly Jokes

**Volume VIII - Religion to Senior Citizen Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Religion & Clergy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Robot, Alien & Space Jokes

Chapter 3 - Sales & Office Jokes

Chapter 4 - Senior Citizen Jokes

**Volume IX - Sports to Train Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Sports & Recreation Jokes

Chapter 2 - Substitute Jokes

Chapter 3 - Supermarket Jokes

Chapter 4 - Teen & High School Jokes

Chapter 5 - Train, Bus & Taxi Jokes 

# Books by Terry Eade

Available in ePub Format at Barnes & Noble or The Apple iBookstore and in Kindle format at Amazon.com

Management & Miscellaneous

The Last Minute Manager

Faultless Fuel

The Glories of Geezerhood

Random Rants for Rational Reflection

The Frightening Fruition of Frumpism

Dave's Adventures in the Afterlife

Finance Series

Basic Nercology

Basic Sarcology

Eade's Law's of Budgeting

Poker Series

Pokerish: The Language and Logic of Poker

More Pokerish: Poker Skills and Insights

Terry's Joke Collection Series

Volume I - Animal to Bar Jokes

Volume II - Barber to Domestic Staff Jokes

Volume III - Drugstore to Genie Jokes

Volume IV - Golfing to Kid Jokes

Volume V - Lawyer to Medical Jokes

Volume VI - Military to Newlywed Jokes

Volume VII - Nurse to Redneck Jokes

Volume VIII - Religion to Senior Citizen Jokes

Volume IX - Sports to Train Jokes
