A LOT IS HAPPENING IN WASHINGTON
RIGHT NOW.
WHAT A WEEKEND.
REMEMBER LAST WEEK THERE WAS A 
WOMAN TESTIFYING IN FRONT OF 
CONGRESS AND DONALD TRUMP BEING 
THE STABLE GENIUS WE KNOW HE IS 
DECIDED TO GO ON TWITTER AND 
ATTACK HER IN WRITING?
AND THEN EVERYONE, INCLUDING A 
LOT OF HIS SUPPORTERS, SAID THAT
WAS A VERY WRONG THING TO DO?
WELL, GUESS WHAT?
YESTERDAY TWEETY GONZALEZ PULLED
OUT HIS LITTLE ORANGE THUMBS AND
HE DID IT AGAIN.
THIS TIME HE ATTACKED A WOMAN 
WHO WORKS FOR MIKE PENCE 
CURRENTLY.
HER NAME IS JENNIFER WILLIAMS.
SHE'S A SPECIAL ADVISER TO THE 
VICE PRESIDENT.
SHE WAS ALSO LISTENING IN ON 
TRUMP'S NOW INFAMOUS CALL WITH 
THE PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE.
THERE WERE MORE PEOPLE ON THIS 
CALL THAN THERE WERE AT HIS 
INAUGURATION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO IN HER CLOSED DOOR TESTIMONY 
WILLIAMS SAYS TRUMP SPECIFICALLY
MENTIONED THE NAME OF THE 
UKRAINIAN COMPANY HUNTER BIDEN 
WORKED FOR.
IT'S CALLED BURISMA.
BUT THAT WAS OMITTED FROM THE 
TRANSCRIPT THE WHITE HOUSE 
RELEASED.
YOU KNOW THE ONE THE PRESIDENT 
KEEPS TELLING US TO READ.
WELL, TURNS OUT MAYBE THAT 
TRANSCRIPT HAS BEEN SANITIZED 
FOR HIS PROTECTION.
TRUMP OF COURSE AS SOON AS HE 
HEARD THIS WENT RIGHT ON THE 
ATTACK.
HE CALLED THIS WOMAN WHO WORKS, 
AGAIN, FOR HIS VICE PRESIDENT, A
NEVER TRUMPER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S LIKE CALLING THE HAMBURGLAR
A VEGETARIAN.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
SHE IS SCHEDULED TO TESTIFY 
PUBLICLY TOMORROW.
AND THAT'LL BE INTERESTING.
BURISMA IS A WORD YOU DON'T 
FORGET.
IT SOUNDS LIKE A DISEASE THAT 
MAKES YOU PUT YOUR CAT TO SLEEP.
IT'S NOT SOMETHING THAT COMES UP
IN NORMAL CONVERSATION.
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS HAS 
ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT, BUT 
THE OTHER BIG STORY THIS WEEKEND
WAS THE PRESIDENT MADE AN 
UNPLANNED, UNANNOUNCED TRIP TO 
THE HOSPITAL.
THE STAFF AT WALTER REED 
HOSPITAL WAS GIVEN NO ADVANCE 
NOTICE OF THE PRESIDENT'S VISIT,
WHICH IS UNUSUAL.
USUALLY THEY'RE ALL TOLD IN 
ADVANCE.
IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE MAYBE THE 
OLD FELLA'S PREGNANT.
IT'S POSSIBLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ANYWAY, YOU KNOW THE PRESIDENT 
LOVES TO TALK ABOUT HOW HEALTHY 
HE IS AND HOW SLOW AND TIRED 
EVERYONE ELSE IS.
THIS VISIT CHIPS AWAY AT THAT.
BUT THERE WAS A PERFECTLY GOOD 
REINS FO
REASON FOR IT.
AT LEAST ACCORDING TO WHITE 
HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY STEPHANIE 
GRISHAM WHO HAD A NOT AT ALL 
SUSPICIOUS-SOUNDED EXPLANATION 
FOR A CURIOUS JEANINE PIRRO.
>> I UNDERSTAND IT WASN'T A 
SCHEDULED ANNUAL VISIT.
CAN YOU TELL US WHAT IT WAS?
>> YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
WE'VE GOT A REALLY BUSY YEAR 
AHEAD, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE.
AND SO THE PRESIDENT DECIDED TO 
GO TO WALTER REED AND KIND OF 
GET A HEAD START WITH SOME 
ROUTINE CHECKUPS AS PART OF HIS 
ANNUAL EXAM.
THAT'S ALL IT WAS.
IT WAS VERY ROUTINE.
WE HAD A DOWN DAY TODAY.
AND SO HE MADE THE DECISION TO 
HEAD THERE.
>> Jimmy: THEY HAD A DOWN DAY.
EVERY DAY IS A DOWN DAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BY THE WAY, THIS IS TRUMP'S REAL
SCHEDULE FOR TODAY, FOR MONDAY.
WE DID NOT ALTER THIS FOR COMIC 
EFFECT.
FIRST THING HE HAD FOR THE DAY 
WAS AN INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING AT 
2:00 P.M.
AND THEN A MEETING WITH THE 
SECRETARY OF STATE AT 4:15.
AND THAT'S IT.
THEN BACK TO THE COUCH TO WATCH 
FOX NEWS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE DOLPHINS AT SEA WORLD HAVE 
BUSIER SCHEDULES THAN OUR 
PRESIDENT.
BUT GO ON.
WHAT'S THE REST OF THE HEALTH 
STORY?
>> AND THERE'S NO TRUTH TO THE 
RUMORS THAT IT WAS SOMETHING 
ELSE?
BECAUSE THE RUMORS ARE FLYING.
>> OH, THE RUMORS ARE ALWAYS 
FLYING.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
HE IS HEALTHY AS CAN BE.
I PUT A STATEMENT OUT ABOUT 
THAT.
HE'S GOT MORE ENERGY THAN 
ANYBODY IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
THAT MAN WORKS FROM 6:00 A.M. 
UNTIL, YOU KNOW, VERY, VERY LATE
AT NIGHT.
HE'S DOING JUST FINE.
>> YOU KNOW, STEPHANIE, HE'S 
ALMOST SUPERHUMAN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
HE'S FASTER THAN A TWEETING 
BULLET.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE'S ABLE TO BANKRUPT TALL 
BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE PRESIDENT OF COURSE SHARED 
AN UPDATE ON HIS HEALTH ON 
TWITTER.
HE WROTE "VISIT AID GREAT FAMILY
OF A YOUNG MAN UNDER MAJOR 
SURGERY AT THE AMAZING WALTER 
REED MEDICAL CENTER.
THOSE ARE TRULY SOME OF THE BEST
DOCTORS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.
ALSO BEGAN PHASE ONE OF MY 
YEARLY PHYSICAL.
EVERYTHING VERY GOOD.
GREAT.
WILL COMPLETE NEXT YEAR."
NEXT YEAR.
PHASE ONE WAS THIS WEEKEND?
PHASE TWO IS NEXT -- 
[ LAUGHTER ]
WAS THIS A PHYSICAL OR A KITCHEN
REMODEL?
THIS PROBABLY WON'T BE GOOD FOR 
TRUMP'S HEALTH.
THE PRESIDENT NOW CLAIMS HE 
MIGHT WANT TO TESTIFY IN FRONT 
OF CONGRESS HIMSELF IN THE 
IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY, WHICH IS A 
LIE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE DIDN'T 
TWEET IT.
THIS MORNING HE WROTE, STICK 
WITH ME ON THIS OUR CRAZY DO 
NOTHING WHERE'S USMCA 
INFRASTRUCTURE AND MUCH MORE 
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE NERVOUS 
NANCY PELOSI WHO'S PETRIFIED BY 
HER RADICAL LEFT KNOWING THEM 
SOON BE GONE.
THEY AND FAKE NEWS MEDIA ARE HER
BOSS.
SUGGESTED ON SUNDAY'S DEFACE THE
NATION, CLEVER, THAT I TESTIFY 
ABOUT THE PHONY IMWITCH HUNT.
SHE ALSO SAID I COULD DO IT IN 
WRITING.
EVEN THOUGH I DID NOTHING WRONG 
AND DON'T LIKE GIVING 
CREDIBILITY TO THIS NO DUE 
PROCESS HOAX, I LIKE THE IDEA 
AND WILL IN ORDER TO GET 
CONGRESS FOCUSED AGAIN STRONGLY 
CONSIDER IT."
THAT'S QUITE A SENTENCE.
12 HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH TEACHERS 
KILLED THEMSELVES AFTER READING 
THAT SENTENCE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THE GIST IS THE PRESIDENT 
CLAIMS HE WILL STRONGLY CONSIDER
TESTIFYING.
HE WON'T TESTIFY.
THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
BUT HE WILL DO SOME VERY STRONG 
CONSIDERING OF IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MAYBE THE STRONGEST.
NO ONE CONSIDERS MORE STRONGLY 
THAN DONALD TRUMP.
THEY SAY HE'S ALMOST SUPERHUMAN,
YOU KNOW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE ONLY THING HE EVER STRONGLY 
CONSIDERS IS ORIGINAL OR EXTRA 
CRISPY.
THAT'S IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND BY THE WAY, HOURS AFTER 
TRUMP FLOATED THIS IDEA OF 
PROVIDING TESTIMONY THE HOUSE 
LAUNCHED AN INVESTIGATION INTO 
WHETHER HE LIED IN HIS TESTIMONY
TO SPECIAL COUNSEL ROBERT 
MUELLER.
HE HOPE HE TESTIFIES IN PERSON.
I REALLY DO.
IT WOULD BE SO MUCH FUN TO SEE 
ALL THE REPUBLICANS IN THAT 
CHAMBER BARKING AND WAGGING 
THEIR TAILS WHEN THEIR OWNER 
WALKS IN.
WOULDN'T IT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
MEANWHILE, ON THE DEMOCRATIC 
SIDE OF THINGS, JOE BIDEN'S 
DOING EVERYTHING HE CAN TO 
REMIND US THAT HE IS A VERY OLD 
PERSON.
JOE BIDEN SAYS THAT IF ELECTED 
HE WILL NOT LEGALIZE MARIJUANA 
FEDERALLY BECAUSE HE THINKS IT 
MIGHT BE A GATEWAY DRUG.
THAT'S CORRECT.
IT IS A GATEWAY DRUG TO NOT 
GETTING THE DEMOCRATIC 
NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
HE SAYS THERE NEEDS TO BE MORE 
RESEARCH DONE.
AND IT DOES LEAD TO OTHER 
THINGS.
FIRST YOU TRY MARIJUANA, THEN 
THAT LEADS TO SASS PRILA, WHICH 
LEADS TO BLACK LICORICE, WHICH 
LEADS TO GOOFBALLS, TO POPPERS, 
TO MALARKEY.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU'RE 
SELLING YOUR BODY FOR WORTHER'S 
ORIGINALS.
IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE.
BUT THE IDEA THEY NEED TO DO 
MORE STUDIES.
THEY'VE ALREADY DONE THE STUDY 
FOR THE LAST 80 YEARS.
YOU KNOW HOW WE KNOW MARIJUANA 
ISN'T A GATEWAY DRUG?
WILLIE NELSON ISN'T A CRACKHEAD.
OKAY?
[ LAUGHTER
