

SURVIVING

MYSELF

BY

HANNA MCCLOUD

Surviving Myself

By Hanna McCloud

Prologue

"You have a girlfriend remember. I'm not going to just sit around and wait for you to have time for me. I like Maggie and Ray. I want to hang out with them so I'm going to."

"You said you loved me and now all the sudden I'm not as important as my brother" he spat at me angrily. "It's Maggie I go hang out with not Ray and no one is more important than you. I see you three or four times a week. That was your decision. You want to see me more step up. Name the time and place." I countered.

"Forget it I don't want to talk about this right now" he said as he pulled into the woods. "All I want is to be with you." He got out of the car and opened my door. He grabbed a blanket out of the back and we walked further into the woods.

It was already getting dark out so I told him "we have to hurry I'm supposed to be at their house before eight."

"Great now he's cutting into my time with you" he commented. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to fight. A little later while we were making love he whispered in my ear "I bet Ray can't make you feel like this"

I pushed him off of me and started to get dressed. "You are unbelievable" I was furious "I'm not now nor have I ever had sex with your brother" I shouted at him "take me back right now."

"Babe that's not what I meant" he pleaded kneeling on the blanket unconcerned with being naked.

"I don't care what you meant. I can't believe that you would be thinking that while we were making love" I was disgusted with his jealousy. "And for your information I can have sex with whomever I like. You have a girlfriend remember and it isn't me."
CHAPTER 1

I grew up in a small town with my mother and three older sisters. My father left us when I was only a year old and moved to North Dakota before I turned two. As I grew older I missed him a lot, he had remarried and had two sons. I always thought that was why he left because he wanted boys and when I came along and was just another girl he left. I just knew it was my fault. I hated his oldest son Donny for being what I wasn't, a boy.

I became a tomboy in some effort to be what I believed he wanted. I played only with boys or other tomboys like myself. I don't have very many memories of my youngest years and none of my father. I remember at times thinking of him and wishing he were there to talk to. Once I joined in a recess football game and I wasn't very good. I cried myself to sleep that night because my dad wasn't there to teach me how to play.

I wanted to be like my friends, when I went over to a friend's house if she had a mom and a dad I would pretend that this was my family and that we were happy. I began to get a little clingy with the men that came into my life. I would hug them and sit on their lap. This often made my friends unhappy or jealous. I just wanted what everyone else had. I was lonely most of the time; my mother was working all the time and my sisters didn't want me hanging out with them. I bounced from one babysitter to the next. I felt unloved and unwanted. I was angry that I had no control over my life. I resented everyone for deserting me.

I do have some good memories of my younger years. It wasn't all bad and I feel I should cover them as well. My fondest memory that never fails to make me smile is one night my mother had made a roast, mashed potatoes, and corn it was one of my favorite meals. We had all sat down to the table and we heard a scratching noise coming from above. Now we had the single insulation panels and as we looked up one of them sailed down and landed right in the middle of the table with the biggest, maddest squirrel I had ever seen. As one we jumped from our seats and scattered as mom shouted "close the bedroom door." My sisters Debbie and Rachel were right in front of me and they ran into the bedroom and slammed the door. I ran past and into the bathroom and stood against the door. My heart was pounding so hard. Then there was a push against the bathroom door, before I could pass of from heart failure, my sisters were yelling "Let us in." I let them in and then mom was yelling again because they had left the bedroom door open. The squirrel had run in there and tried to escape out of the window but the screen was closed. It ended up between the upper storm window and the window itself. It was chattering so loud we could hear it in the bathroom. My mother called the local police department and two officers came out. One officer was a pretty big guy while the other was tall and skinny. We all gathered on the bed to watch how they were going to get the squirrel out from between those windows. The big officer asked my mother for her broom and after pulling the bottom inside window down a little lower than the outside screen he began to ease the broom up between the windows behind the squirrel and gently work the squirrel toward the bottom so hopefully it would then jump out to the tree outside. It was so quiet in that room it seemed you could almost hear the squirrel breathing and just as the squirrel was getting close to making his escape the skinny cop goosed the other cop from behind. I never saw a cop jump so high he almost went out of the window with the squirrel. It was one of the funniest things I ever saw. It also helped me see the police in whole different light. I saw them first as people with a sense of humor and not just as mean men that arrested people.

My sisters were probably just as angry as I was about dad taking off although they had someone to take it out on, me. I was the youngest and I always wanted to hang out with them. I thought they were cool. I was very close with my oldest sister Agnes. What I didn't realize about Agnes was that she protected me a lot by letting me hang out with her and her friends. Unfortunately, when she was thirteen and I was seven she went to visit our father and never came home again. She stayed there to live with him.

That was when my sister Debbie started beating on me on a pretty regular basis. My mom worked two jobs so she wasn't home a lot. I should have thought about that before telling my mom. Because the first time I told on Debbie for hitting me, I stood behind mom and smirked while she punished her. The next day it became very clear that things could get a lot worse when Debbie came after me with a knife. She was angry that I had told on her and she wanted to impress on me the importance of never telling mom anything. I jumped out of my bedroom window and ran away. I didn't go back until mom was home and when I got there I got in trouble for leaving the house. Debbie had told her that I took off after she told me not to. I took the punishment and didn't tell her why I left the house. I tried going to my other sister Rachel she was older than Debbie but, when I told her what Debbie had done she smacked me and said not to be a rat. She told me to learn to deal with it or to stop making Debbie angry. Man, I thought that might be a problem because I was pretty sure me breathing made her angry. I tried telling my mother a few more times however, even if mom would tell her the punishment would be worse if she tried to get back at me she would come after me anyway. I finally learned that mom just couldn't help me. So after school I didn't go home anymore. I would wander the streets or go over to a friends' house. When it was time for mom to come home I would head in that direction. I made sure never to get home before her by more than a few minutes. Then I would sit on the porch and wait. If she caught me anywhere other than on the porch I would just tell her I had been playing outside. I knew I would get yelled at for leaving the porch, but I would rather get yelled at than stay inside. Mom didn't like me to leave the porch she always worried something bad would happen to me. Ironic that at that time it was being in the house I was scared of. Debbie still managed to get a hold of me occasionally but it could have been worse. One of Debbie's favorite games to play was stick a piggy. I would run around without shoes on every chance I got. I hung out on the porch when mom was home. Whenever I was out there at the same time as my sisters Rachel would block the door and Debbie would throw darts at my feet to amuse them and any of their friends that happened to be around.

Most holidays we would have to get dressed up and go to my grandparents' house. My mom was never invited because she didn't get along with my fathers' side of the family. Not that it was her fault, it wasn't, they thought they were better than her. They may have had more money than us but they were not better. I liked my Grandfather a lot. But unfortunately my Grandmother ran things. I don't think she ever really liked me. She was always telling me not to touch this and not to do that. I had a problem wetting the bed when I was little and she used to get very annoyed if I wet the bed. In fact she never actually let me in sleep in a bed I was always set up with some blankets on the floor. I was terrified of the thought of making her angry. She was a very formidable woman. I hated when the phone rang at night because I knew it was my father. She would put us on the phone one by one oldest to youngest and being the youngest I would watch every one take their turn. When my turn came even though I wanted to talk to him something about it put me off and I would refuse. She would get very angry with me and I would often run outside and go down to the barn. Grandpa would come out after a while and he could always make me smile. Once I got old enough I refused to go to her house altogether although I hated not seeing my grandfather. I just didn't want to be a part of that anymore.

My mom used to watch preachers on television and although I did not understand everything that was said I would sit every Sunday and listen to them talk about the God that loved me. I would listen for the whole hour just glued to the set. I wanted very much to hear about this God that loved me more than anyone else ever had, which in my experience wasn't hard to do. I remember them saying that all I had to do to get this love was to ask Jesus into my heart and I would be filled with love and joy. Well I bowed my head right there and then and I prayed my 8 year old heart out. I asked Jesus to come into my heart and make me feel loved. And he did. I felt his love and for the first time I knew what it was supposed to feel like. Then like most little kids other things came up and I stopped watching the preachers, after all I got his love that was all there was to it, right? Even though I stopped watching I kept Him in the back of my mind to pull out when I was feeling especially lonely.

As I got older I reached out to my father. I thought if I talked to him maybe he could make me feel better. I knew that he would know what was wrong, without me having to tell him. But he was too busy and he would forget to return my phone calls or he would talk to me for a few minutes then have to go. I felt like he was blowing me off, that he didn't really care about me. I really thought that he could make everything better. I became angry when he wouldn't make time for me. The more I reached out for him and got nowhere the angrier I became until I was filled with rage all the time.

CHAPTER 2

I had a small group of friends that I hung out with mostly misfits like myself and I was very protective of my friends. I was sensitive to other kids making fun of them or being mean. One day I overheard a boy say something nasty about one of my friends. Even though I was very small for 8 years old and he was very big for 9 years old, I lost my temper. I ran up behind him jumping up I wrapped my arm around his neck dragged him down to where I could get my feet on the ground and just pounded him in the face with my little fist. I couldn't stop myself; the teacher had to pull me off him. I was sent to the principals' office. He called my mom and I was sent home for the rest of the day. It felt really good hitting someone else instead of being the one that got hit. I'd always been the one to suggest what games we played but the next day it was different my friends looked at me different. They were impressed that I tackled the biggest kid in the elementary area. All I could think of is I want to do that again. During recess we would chase and harass different kids. If I could hit someone without getting caught I would. Anyone weaker than we were was fair game. I didn't want to take a chance like I had with that big kid again. After school I would pick some kid to chase down and if we caught him we would beat him up.

"Everyone else in our class has a boyfriend" my friend Katie said one morning on the way to school. "We can't be the only girls who don't."

"We hang out with boys every day. What's the difference?" I asked.

It's not the same thing those guys are just friends we need to pick one to go steady with."

"Okay if you say so" I said shrugging. "Who do you want to pick? I asked.

I like Billy and I think you should pick Howie because their best friends like us" she reasoned.

"Fine do you want to ask them or should I?" I asked

"I'll ask Jason to find out if they like us" Katie declared. I just shrugged and soon forgot all about it.

That afternoon at recess Katie and I were at the edge of the playground sitting leaning back behind a big tree when the two boys came over. We got to our feet and stood talking with them.

"We heard that you like us" Howie said.

"We do" Katie replied.

"If you do something for us we will go out with you" Howie said

I asked "what do you want?"

Billy answered "we want you to pull down your pants and show us your underwear."

"Forget it" I said "come on Katie let's get out of here."

Katie chose to stay behind the tree with them and Katie became Billy's girlfriend. Every day I watched them holding hands and laughing together. Then one day they got into a fight and broke up. He left our little group because he didn't want to be around her anymore. A couple of the other guys drifted away as well. Eventually we all went our separate ways.

My mom was working when school let out for the summer and since no one wanted to take on four rowdy girls we were all sent to different places. Thank God I was sent to my moms' best friends' house in the country. Carrie may have been in her sixties but she was very good not only for me but to me. Carrie lived at the end of a three mile dirt road. Her house was surrounded by woods and she had only one neighbor that lived a mile away. There were flowers all along the front of the house. She had put me in a room that had two huge windows overlooking the flowers. In the morning I would sit and watch the humming birds. Her house was small just three little bedrooms. Two bedrooms were for sleeping but had bookcases along every wall filled with books. One bedroom had no furniture but there were piles of books everywhere, books on every subject.

The road that led to the house went on through a big locked gate that led to a land preserve. Carrie used to tell me that if I went into the woods to far wild dogs would chase me. So of course I had to see these wild dogs for myself. I explored the woods around her house extensively. Never did find any wild dogs though. I loved being at Carries. There were woods to explore, animals to play with, and for the first time I had someone's undivided attention. She always bought my favorite foods and we watched what I wanted to on television. She listened to me when I talked. She understood how hard it was being the youngest of four she had an even larger family and knew what sisters were like. I also knew that I could pour out my heart to her and if I asked her to she wouldn't tell my mom. At Carries house I got the privileges of being an only child. Loved, pampered, my slightest whim indulged.

She rescued animals from bad situations and turned me on to the unconditional love that animals have for you. She always had dogs for me to run with and cats for me to pet. I fell in love with not only the animals there but with animals in general. Occasionally my sisters would join us but I was her favorite and she was mine.

She also turned me onto the love of reading and helped me realize the escape one can have with books. I have been an avid reader ever since. She had this couch it was probably the first ever futon. You pulled the back forward it would lay down into a bed and she would have one side at the top and I would have the other side at the bottom so that while we were reading we would only have to look up to talk to each other.

Every Sunday we would go to this little store and on the way there we passed this overlook. There was a short wall that ran the length of it. It looked out over a valley and from the car you could see the tops of the trees. So one day while we were going past I observed a man with a little girl no older than three years old. He was letting her walk along the top of the wall and he wasn't even holding her hand. I was outraged that he would take such a chance with his little girl. Carrie just laughed at me for getting worked up. So I got upset with her also. On our way home she pulled into the overlook and told me "go look over the wall." When I looked over there was a maybe a 9 inch drop before a gentle slope swept down. I laughed at myself then. Every time we passed that place after that she would get a smile on her face.

My mom decided to go back to college so we went on welfare. My mom also decided it would be a good idea for all us girls to go to a Christian school that year. The idea was met with a lot of resistance but, we went anyway. It was a small Christian school in the same town my mom was going to college. She would drive us in and another mother would drive us home.

The fifth grade class was small just twelve of us and things were okay until they began to teach long division. I just couldn't do long division I tried and maybe with a little extra help I could have gotten it but, they decided, they being the school and my mother, that I would benefit from the even smaller fourth grade class so without explaining what exactly being put back a year would mean they asked me if it would be okay with me if they put me in the fourth grade class. I said sure and that's how I landed back in the fourth grade. The class was definitely small. Before I got placed in the class there were only two boys. The teacher was really nice and the boys were both younger than me so I had them in their place before the day was out. It was different at this school. Fighting was not tolerated not even a little. I had to wear a skirt every day, which I hated; the one class I liked was the bible class. I still liked to hear about God. About all the cool things He had done. The other redeeming part of the school was the principals' son Denny. He was really nice and in the sixth grade. When he asked me to go out with him I immediately accepted. At school we were together every chance we got but since he did not live in the same town I did and I wasn't allowed to call long distance I mostly only saw him at school. His family took us to a carnival once and he won me a stuffed animal. It was the first thing anyone, other than a family member, had ever given me. Later he surprised me with this beautiful orange kitten but my mom wouldn't let me keep her. I called Carrie and asked her to talk to mom for me so I could keep the kitten but she gently reminded me we already had two cats and it wouldn't be fair to ask her to feed a third. She advised me that I should find someone who needed a friend and so with some looking I gave her to an elderly lady that lived down the street.

Denny and I were caught sneaking up to the choir loft above the church by his father and Denny got into big trouble and his dad wouldn't let him go out with me anymore. I didn't know what the big deal was we weren't going to mess anything up we just wanted to look around. When I complained to my sister Rachel she laughed at me and said that his father knew more than I did. And that I should never be alone with a boy, since I obviously didn't understand them yet. What was to understand, we just wanted to hang out together. Or so I thought. Then one afternoon behind the trees in the playground Denny tried to kiss me and I slugged him in the stomach. He wasn't very happy with me and we broke up. I guess I was too young to really understand after all because it didn't bother me that much. I had other friends to play with. The next time I saw him we were playing soldier behind the trees and Denny was there with another girl and they were making out. I just turned and ran with my friends and never gave it another thought. At the end of the school year it was announced that the school was going to close. I stayed with Carrie again that summer. She showed me how to make bird feeders, identify different trees, and plant flowers. Turns out I have a black thumb and kill all the plants I touch with the exception of weeds. She didn't make me feel bad about it though. She made everything fun. I told her all about Denny and how he tried to kiss me.

Smiling she asked "what did you do when he kissed you?"

I grinned slightly embarrassed "I punched him."

Carrie laughed until tears came "that sounds just like you."

I smiled "kissing is gross I don't even like it when mom tries to kiss me."

She nodded "Your only ten don't worry someday you're going to feel differently and then the boys better watch out." She gave me my first romance novel that night. I didn't know what to think so I just shrugged and started to read it. The romance novels Carrie had were pretty tame. At first the people would be at odds, then they would fall in love, and they would get married and it would be happily ever after. After that first book I was hooked I couldn't get enough of romance novels. The summers always seemed to fly by at Carries and before I knew it the summer was over.

When I realized that I hadn't even thought about my friends all year. So I made some phone calls to reconnect but it wasn't the same. I wasn't the same. I wasn't in the sixth grade with them. Several of my friends didn't want to be friends anymore. Mostly boys that just wanted to play with other boys and only talk to the pretty and popular girls. I was not pretty or popular. Over the summer I had started getting acne and there was nothing worse as far as I was concerned. I felt ugly which made me extremely defensive to how others saw me. I still got into fights but it was more one on one and it was with people who thought they could make fun of me.

I missed Carrie and the animals so much. My mom tried to spend more time with me but that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted not to be there. I became more withdrawn and angry.

CHAPTER 3

While I was gone for the summer my mother had joined a local church and when I came home I had to go Sunday school and church with her and my sisters. I didn't mind all that much. I still liked hearing about God. Not that I actually thought what was said had anything to do with me. My sisters however, resented being forced to go to church and they would fight every Sunday not to go. The more I went there the more I liked it. Everyone there was so nice they took the time to talk to me and I loved the attention. I talked to everyone. Eventually everyone knew my name and I knew theirs'. I got into being a part of that community.

The pastor Adam and his wife Rita and I got along really well and they had this little dog named Zachary that I simply loved. Whenever Adam and Rita had to go away they let me keep Zachary and take care of him. When I walked him it gave me a reason to get out of the house. He got to go on a lot of walks. Even though I had these good things happening I was still unhappy at home. I just didn't want to be anywhere my sisters were.

My mother saw how unhappy I was. So the very next weekend she took me to a horse farm in the next town. As you can probably imagine, I fell in love with horses on the spot. She had talked to the owners of the farm Sam and Tracey and they offered me lessons in exchange for cleaning out stalls. I promptly agreed. So she left me there and I went to work with Sam's son Davy who showed me how to clean the stalls and put fresh hay and water in each one. When we finished all twenty stalls I was shown how to groom and saddle. As soon as I climbed into the saddle I was hooked every weekend after that I was there. As well as enjoying the chance to ride and get lessons on riding cleaning stalls gave me an added bonus. Lugging wheelbarrows full of manure hardened my hands and strengthened my arms and shoulders.

I thought fifth grade was going to be the same as fourth grade boring but then I saw my teacher. He was gorgeous. He was an Irishman with black hair and laughing blue eyes and like every other girl in class I was in love. I worked my hardest that year and got really good grades. I fantasized about that man every night. I wanted to marry him. He was good teacher and he had his favorites. I really wanted to be one of them but I wasn't. Not that he was mean or anything he was nice to everyone but his favorites in my nine year old opinion were the pretty girls. I thought I wasn't pretty enough to get his attention. I tried hard to be near him whenever I could. I even broke my own rule and wore a dress to impress him although he didn't notice.

At recess some of the new guys would make fun of me for the acne on my face. Of course, I wasn't going to take it for long before losing my temper. Since some of my old crew was hanging out with the boys doing the teasing they could have warned their friends but they didn't. Maybe they didn't want to admit to being scared of a small girl.

I had been working on the farm for a couple of months now so when I hit someone there was more power behind it than ever before. After school I would choose one boy and follow him until he was alone. I would jump him and although I was much smaller than most of them rage gave me all the strength and determination I needed to get the job done. Soon no one made fun me anymore, of course no one spoke to me much either. I was striking out at anyone who said the wrong thing to me and I was pushing away all of my old friends. School was lonely for me until I met Brad. I was standing alone on the playground watching the guys play football with my teacher when Brad came and stood next to me. "Who's winning? He asked.

"They don't really keep score it's just to teach the guys the rules" I explained. When one of the girls from my class came by and made a comment about how Brad shouldn't hang out with me that he might get cooties. I was embarrassed and expected him to walk away.

He looked at me laughed and asked "how old is she?" I had never had anyone say anything that meant more to me than that. We became fast friends. We were together every recess and every day after school we walked together. He became my best friend and we would run around town together until he had to go home. Except for weekends we spent all our time together.

I still went to the farm every weekend. I had grown to love Sam. He was like the father I always wanted. I fit in with his sons. We all got along. I was accepted there I was just one of the gang. One day I was walking out of the barn behind Sam when he swung his arm back and his hand went up my shirt. I stopped walking and he kept going like nothing had happened. I stood there confused as to what just happened. I told myself that it must have been an accident. Then Sam yelled from the ring for me to come get a horse to cool it down. I ran to grab the horse and dismissed what happened.

Brad's mom bought him a bike and I really wanted one to. So I bugged my mom night and day to get me a bike. It didn't matter to me that we were poor, I didn't care that she didn't have the money. Then one holiday weekend I got a call from Carrie asking if I wanted to spend the long weekend with her. I jumped at the chance and when she picked me up I went on and on about Brad's bike. She took me to the nearest store and bought me the coolest bike there. It was a stunt bike with hubcaps. Way better than Brad's I thought.

We brought it with us out to her house and before she could ask me I told her "don't worry I know how to ride a bike."

"If you fall off and hurt yourself I'll bring that bike right back to the store because your mom will kill me" she said before she went inside and left me to it. Now I had ridden bikes before and I had the basics down but no one told me riding on asphalt is not the same as riding on dirt. I rode the bike all the way to the other driveway and back again then all the way to the highway. After riding up and down the road for three days I decided to jump a big rock on the side of the road. I pedaled like mad toward that rock and did a beautiful jump off the top then when I landed the tire hit a rock and the bike went out from under me, I tore all the skin from my wrist to my elbow, it was full of gravel and dirt, it hurt so bad I thought I was going to throw up. But, there was no way I was going to tell Carrie. I didn't ever want to lose that bike. I waited until my mom had picked me up and driven us home to show her my arm which of course was swollen and infected. I got to keep my bike though so I figured it was worth it. I couldn't wait to show Brad. On concrete I learned to do jumps and tricks and we would use the driveway of a nearby catholic church to do our stunts. It had a hill and some curves and we would put on little shows when the people came out of service. I like to think they enjoyed it as much as we did.

I had been working at the farm for about seven or eight months when auction time came around. The boys were all excited and telling me all about how they got to go and help out there every year. I wanted to go. I wanted to be a part of all that. So I went to Sam "Sam can I go with you guys to the auction please?"

"I don't know you're still really young" he said of course I knew he really meant little.

"Come on I'm eleven I'm old enough. Come on please I won't be any trouble" I pleaded.

"Let me think about it okay" he said as he ruffled my hair and walked away. When Sam came to me and said "tell your mom I need you to be here early next weekend." I was very excited not only because I got to go but him letting me go told me more than anything else that he saw me as one of his boys. I could barely get through the week. My mom dropped me off at 6 am Saturday morning.

The boys and I sat in the back of the pickup making jokes and seeing who could spit the farthest. Sam took us out for breakfast and when we left the restaurant the boys scrambled over the side of the pickup which I was too small to do. Sam picked me up to swing me over the side. I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a fierce hug. He hugged me back and when he set me down in the truck I gave him such a big smile he couldn't help but smile back "having fun?" He asked. I could only nod. When we got to the auction we all walked around together looking at the different animals. They had horses, sheep, goats, and other assorted stock. Then the boys were summoned to start herding the smaller animals toward the ring. I was practically humming with energy when I looked at Sam my eyes begging him to let me go to.

Davy laughed "dad let her come we'll watch her."

Sam looked at me for a minute then smiled and told me "stay with Davy. Right next to him and be careful all of you." He went to sit down.

We ran for the chutes and they gave me a quick rundown on what to do, "get on the fence like this" he said climbing up on the fence "when the men run the animals into the row we drop off the fence behind them and push them into the arena." The row was a narrow path between two fences.

"How do we push them?" I asked.

"Mostly all you have to do is make loud noise behind them and they will run forward. Don't let them turn around. If they start to turn around you have to get right up to them and push them back the other way. Just watch us and do what we do." After watching for a second I joined in and it was the most fun I had ever had. We chased sheep, goats, calves, and even some pigs into the ring and when it came time for the horses and cows we climbed to the top of the fence and had a front row seat as they ran by. When the auction was over we were all tuckered out. It was getting dark when we got back to the truck. As the boys climbed into the back of the truck Sam grabbed the back of my shirt "not so fast you're up front this time." I was too tired and happy to complain. I didn't mind spending time with Sam after such a great day. As we were driving I leaned against the door feeling sleepy. Sam laughed at me and pulled my shoulder until I was lying with my head on his leg and I went to sleep. I woke up disoriented. I was lying on my back. Sam had my jeans unsnapped. He was unzipping them when I woke up. I went to sit up but he restrained me "lay still it's okay" he said quietly. I froze. He eased his hand inside my pants and underwear and lightly began to touch me. Then he tried to get his finger inside me but I was too small. He continued to touch me for what seemed forever. He told me "relax this is what daddies do for their little girls." "You're still my girl right" he asked and when I didn't reply. He took his hand away. I quickly sat up and fixed my clothes. As I sat there looking out the window he said "If you would have trusted me and relaxed you would have known that what I was doing was going to feel really good. It was something special just for you. I can't believe that you wouldn't trust me after how good I have been to you."

When he dropped me off at home I went into my room and cried. I didn't understand. If it was what dads did why did it give me a bad feeling? I decided that I would just not go back anymore, he hated me now anyway. My mom didn't understand why I wasn't going to the farm anymore but she let it go after I made it clear that I wasn't going to talk about it.

As time went by I missed going to the farm, I missed Sam, the boys, and the horses. Mostly I missed being a part of the family. I didn't know how to feel better. I wanted to go back but I didn't want to at the same time. I couldn't face Sam after what I had done to him.

I started to hang out at the church more. Adam gave me small jobs to do when he realized I wanted to help out. I had been going to church every Sunday and eventually he trusted me enough that I was allowed to have a key to the church. I would go in on Wednesday nights to do the cleaning. I was even taught how to bleed the furnace when the regular guy went on vacation. I was settling down in school and even doing well. I still wouldn't go out to the farm but I refused to tell my mom why.

Brad and I were still hanging out after school but he was making other friends and he wanted to spend time with them also. Unfortunately his friends didn't want me hanging around and so more and more he went with them. I went back to walking home alone. I felt like I lost my best friend. I got angry about being ditched and one day when Brad called I said "what's the matter none of your other friends around." Brad didn't understand why I was being that way and I sure wasn't going to explain it to him.

We ended up both being mad and he said "why don't you call me later when you're not being a jerk." I didn't call him back.

Carrie called and invited me to spend the weekends with her at her house. Since I wasn't going to the farm anymore I was thrilled. I loved the idea of spending as much time with her that I could. She was getting older and she was often not feeling very well. We would just lie on either end of the couch and read only talking when we read something worth mentioning. She had to stop rescuing animals so there were only a few animals in the house, animals that couldn't be placed anywhere else. I took care of feeding them and making sure they had water when I was there. I also would Bring Carrie little things to tempt her to eat. I loved her like no other and I never even thought about the idea that she would not be with me forever. Every Sunday we would drive to that little store up the highway from her house and get a paper and donuts. Then she would drive me home for church. I would read her parts of the paper and the comics on the way. One Sunday she drove off the shoulder of the highway hit the edge of the asphalt and jerked the car the other way. She tried to cover it up but I could see she was shaken.

I innocently told my mom about it and she didn't really comment. I forgot about it until the next weekend when mom came into my room and sat on the side of my bed. "Honey we need to talk for a minute."

When I looked at her I got a funny feeling in my stomach. I told her "I don't have time to talk. I have to get ready. Carrie is going to be here any minute."

She shook her head and said "No I'm going to drive you to Carries today if you want to go."

"Why wouldn't I want to go?" I asked

Mom explained "Carrie has to go live with her daughter. She is going to be packing this weekend. Just the things she wants to take with her. I will be going down with some others to help her move tomorrow. But she wants to spend tonight with you if you want to."

I shook my head as I started to cry "why?" I asked. "Why does she have to go?"

My mom explained "Carrie is sick and as time goes on she is going to keep getting sicker. She needs to be with her daughter now who will take care of her." In all the years I had been staying at Carries house I had never even seen her daughter.

Of course, I said "I will live with her. I can take care of her" but that wasn't really an option and I knew it even as I said it. So I went with a heavy heart. As soon as I saw her I ran and threw myself into her arms sobbing. I felt like I was losing a part of myself.

As my mom backed the car out of the driveway she said "I will see you two tomorrow. We'll be here early."

That night Carrie and I didn't turn on the television, we didn't pick up a book, and we sat on the couch facing each other and quietly talked as the room slowly grew dark around us. When I finally got up to turn on a light Carrie said to me "no more tears. This is just the beginning of the next chapter. You know that you have been very important to me and I'm glad that we had the time together that we did. Knowing the hurt you feel now would you have wished not to have known me?"

"No" I cried as I rushed to hug her again.

"So if you don't regret knowing me then you should try to look at this part of our relationship not as an ending but as a beginning. You're moving on to better things."

"What better things? What do I have to look forward to now? Spending weekends at home I hate this, I hate that you have to go," I said woodenly.

"I know" she said. "Promise me that you will try harder not to be so unhappy."

I loved her so I said "I'll try."

The next morning my mom and some of the ladies from church arrived at the house. Carrie was busy showing them what had to be packed and what was going to stay. I was listening to all the things she was taking when Carrie said not to forget her poodles leash and food. I realized that no one was saying anything about the other animals.

I spoke up. "Hey what's going to happen to the cats'?"

My mom pulled me into the other room and said "don't say anything about them again in front of Carrie. The next door neighbor is going to put them down after she is gone. Carrie thinks they are all going to good homes. We don't want this to be any harder on her than it has to be."

"You can't kill them" I cried. "They could come live with us."

"No way" my mom said. "They are mostly wild and don't like people. The kindest thing for them is to be put down." I walked away my feelings warring between anger and sadness. I couldn't believe that not only was I losing the best friend I ever had. They were going to kill my pets. I couldn't speak without breaking down into tears. Since I had promised Carrie no more tears I stopped speaking.

When the things that Carrie wanted to take with her were loaded into her daughters car I hugged Carrie until her daughter snapped "come on we have to go it's a long drive." I stood there and watched them drive away with tears running down my face. I silently said goodbye to one of the most important people in my life.

My mom called to me "come inside and help pack up the rest of the things that are in the house." When I walked in my mom handed me a box "go start in the back bedroom and get all the books boxed up." I quietly went in and started packing. I felt so tired inside I just couldn't seem to find much energy. My mom came into the bedroom "how are you doing? She asked. "Are you holding up okay? I know that today was hard on you but you did really well. You could have made things worse but you thought of Carrie before yourself. I just want you to know how grown up that is and how proud I am of you." That should have meant a lot to me but I was numb. I felt nothing. I just didn't care. She seemed to be waiting for an answer so I just nodded.

Then my mother said "go outside and watch for Sam. I called him last night and asked if he could help move this stuff. He said that he would be happy to help. He also mentioned that he missed seeing you. So I told him that you would be thrilled to help him." For a second I was glad. I had missed him so much. Then she went on "he offered to store some of the things in his storage shed. He asked if you would go with him to help him and the boys unload. The boys want to see you again."

Then I remembered what happened the last time I was in his truck. "I don't want to go with him" I told her "the boys can handle unloading without me."

"Stop being an ungrateful brat. He is coming to help just so that he can see you. I don't want to hear another word about it." I knew that tone of voice. My mother wouldn't be changing her mind and I was stuck. "You're going to be nice and respectful. You're also going do everything he tells you to." She added on catching the rebellious look I gave her.

Sam arrived an hour later as he got out of his pickup he caught sight of me sitting on the front porch behind the rose bushes. "Hey, how have you been? I haven't seen you in awhile" he said with a smile.

I got up and walked toward the door. I threw a look over my shoulder and said "I've been busy." My mom having caught what I said as she came out gave me a discreet pinch and a look that spoke volumes. She greeted Sam and we got to work loading the truck.

When everything was loaded I was standing at rear of the truck when Sam walked over and said "if you're coming get in." I looked toward my mom and she inclined her head toward the truck. I walked over as slow as I could and got in. I sat as far away from him as I could. He looked at me and smiled "you're going to make this difficult aren't you?" he asked as he got out of the truck. He walked over and talked to my mom for a minute.

Mom came up to the door of the truck "move into the middle and to do what you are told. Sam was nice enough to help us just so that he could see you. You could at least cooperate" she told me. With a sinking feeling inside I moved over and sat in the middle.

Sam told me to put my seatbelt on in a loud voice. (Later I figured out that he must have told her the only working seatbelt was in the middle.) We started driving and Sam puts his arm over the seat behind me and just lets his hand dangle on my shoulder. After a while he slid his hand down the front of my shirt. I just sat there staring straight ahead. Soon he grew tired of that "lay down you can put your head on my leg" he said. I took off my seatbelt and lay down. He put his hand on my leg "open wider" he said. So I did. He then slid his hand into my shorts and we rode in silence. I just ignored what he was doing.

"Sit up and get your belt on" he said when we were close to our destination. When we arrived I jumped out of the truck almost before it had stopped rolling. I got as far away from him as I could but occasionally while unloading the truck he would accidentally slide his hand across my body. I just gritted my teeth and ignored him the best I could knowing that I would be done with him soon. When we finished unloading I got back into the truck slid to the middle and put my seatbelt on. I knew that he was supposed to bring me home. When we turned down a side road I got nervous.

"Where are we going? I thought I was supposed to go right home?" I asked.

He glanced over at me shrugged his shoulders "I thought you might enjoy going apple picking. Bringing some apples home would be nice. Wouldn't it?"

"I don't want to. I need to get home before Carrie calls." I just wanted the day to be over. He didn't need to know that Carrie wasn't supposed to call.

He pulled over and looked at me for the longest minute I ever had to sit through. "I thought we could do something together. I really have missed you. I thought you liked me." He said in a hurt voice. I just shrugged my shoulders looking down at my hands. "If that is what you want. I'll bring you home." He turned the truck around and drove me home. Not a word was said the whole way there. When he pulled up I grabbed for the door handle to rush out of the truck. He grabbed my arm and said "hang on a second. I hope that someday you will grow up a little and we can be friends again. I never meant you any harm. I loved you like one of my own kids." It was too much I wrenched my arm away jumped out of the truck and took off down the street and into the woods. I sat on a rock and just cried. I cried for losing Carrie, I cried for losing another father, and I cried for having no one I could talk to about these things. When I got home my mom yelled at me for taking off and hurting Sam's feelings. I just tuned her out and went into my room and closed the door.

CHAPTER 4

As time went by my sisters had many different boyfriends. Some I liked but most I didn't. I was mostly invisible at home but occasionally my sisters would have to take me somewhere with them. One day their boyfriends were taking them fishing. Mom came up with the idea that I should go along. At the time Rachel was going out with a really nice guy and he said sure before anyone else could refuse. So I got to go along. He showed me how to bait the hook and throw the line in. Then they all moved further downstream. They were more interested in making out than fishing anyway. I was standing leaning on a big rock when my pole suddenly dipped down right into the water. I yelled in surprise and they all came running. I wanted to hand the pole off but he said "keep reeling it in your doing great. You can do it. Keep going." So I kept reeling in the line and finally something was coming out of the water. It was a huge snapping turtle. I dropped the pole and scrambled up on top of the rock that I had been leaning against. Both my sisters jumped up on the rock with me. That turtle just kept coming right for the guys. One of the guys picked up a rock and killed it. I was sad to see it killed. I was done fishing I didn't want to catch another turtle. They brought me home a little later.

One day I found a pack of matches outside. I brought them in my room and I had heard that sometimes spray cans could make a flame thrower. I decided to try it. I ran and got my sisters hairspray. I put a match to it as I held down the nozzle. When flames erupted I got scared and dropped the can which extinguished the flame. I was entranced. I did it again and again. Mom had brought a big red plastic piggy bank home for Debbie. I really liked that pig. I was always taking it to play with. Spotting the pig I thought it would be fun to spray it and have a pig roast. So I put the pig down on my rug and sprayed just a little on it and lit it. The flames were small and pretty and I watched until they burned out. Then I did it again. The third time I soaked that pig with hairspray and lit it up. The pig went up with a fire ball. The rug also started to burn. I jumped to my feet and was stomping out the flames when Rachel happened to come in. "What are you doing trying to burn the house down?" She helped me put the rest of the flames out. "If you are going to play with fire you need go outside." So I took it outside. Course I still had pig roasts in my room from time to time I was just a little more careful.

My other favorite game was to take a clump of grass spray it down light it up and throw it in the air. My mom caught me throwing fire once and she got really mad at me. She made an appointment for me to talk to the fire marshal, Rich. He took me through the fire house showing me all the equipment. Then he showed me pictures of little kids that had been burned in a fire. "Do you see what happens when little girls play with matches?" He asked.

"Yes sir." I said.

"Are you going to do it again? He asked with a stern look.

"No sir I won't do it again." At the time I meant it. It didn't take long however before I was back to lighting things on fire. I was just more careful not to get caught.

Things began to change at home. Rachel began to like her guys to be a little too much older than herself. Mom and Rachel were always fighting. About guys, grades, skipping school, smoking, and once she came home drunk. It wasn't until my mom found drugs in her room that she ran away for the first time. I remember mom crying. I was so angry at Rachel for making her cry. I wished that she would never come home. She did however come home and things were quiet for awhile. Then Rachel would meet another guy and it would start all over again. She ran away more and more. Things came to a head when she ran away after a fight about curfew. She was gone for a couple of weeks when the police found her with her boyfriend and brought her home. She didn't want to be home she was in the back of the cruiser screaming "I hate her I would rather be dead than stay here with my mother." Then she kicked out the back window of the police car. She got her wish she didn't have to come home she got to go to jail instead. Mom couldn't take the upheaval anymore so she didn't force Rachel to come back. She was out on her own at sixteen. My mom cried for days afterward. I hated Rachel for what she did to my mom. I felt so bad for mom that I tried to be as good as I could. I cleaned the house without being told. I didn't fight with Debbie if I could avoid it and I tried to keep all stress from her. We heard from Rachel a few months later she was living with her current boyfriend and she was pregnant. I didn't want anything to do with her.

It was just Debbie and I at home. Mom still cried sometimes about Rachel not wanting to have anything to do with her. But life went on and there was nothing I could do to make anything better. I was feeling very angry all the time and very alone. The summer I turned twelve I was wandering around my neighborhood when I saw new people moving in to a house down the street. They had a girl about my age so I wandered over and watched. The mom noticed me and she after talking to her daughter for a second they both walked toward me. She introduced herself and her daughter Diane and said that if I wanted to come in the yard and play I could. I went with them and spent the day playing with Diane in the backyard making up stories and just doing kid stuff.

When it started to get dark I said "I gotta to go."

"Can you come back tomorrow?" She asked.

"Sure I'll see you tomorrow" I said.

After awhile she was allowed to roam the neighborhood with me and we would spend all day playing make believe. Climbing trees and trespassing on other peoples' property to see what we could find. One day we were in a yard and I was climbing a tree when a girl comes out and seeing Diane and tells her "you better get out of here before I tell my mom." Peering through the branches I realize that it's Katie.

I jumped out of the tree and stood next to Diane "still want us to leave?" I asked.

She walked over to us smiling "I didn't realize you were here" The three of us began to get together every day. We were getting along pretty well until one day Katie and Diane got into a fight and they both stormed off. I was left standing there all alone with a, what just happened look on my face. Of course both of them wanted me to take their side. I tried to stay out of the middle, tried getting them to see the others side but all that got me was both of them mad at me. So I dropped it and just split my time between them. But Diane was my first choice to hang out with. When school started we all ended up in the same sixth grade class. We sat in a row across the back of the classroom with me again in the middle. I liked them both but when I paid too much attention to one the other would get mad. I couldn't have been happier when Katie was moved to the front of the room because she couldn't see the board. Recesses were a balancing act between the two of them. It got so I would go up to the swing set and who ever made it first was who I spent recess with. Most of the school year went on this way. Then Katie started to hang out with some other girls and left Diane and I to do our own thing. We did a lot of talking about boys and taking turns sleeping at each others' houses. Then one night I was sleeping at her house and she did something to make her father angry. He came in her room and spanked her with a belt. I had never been spanked in my life so I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. Afterward she didn't want me to stay anymore so I went home. The next day Diane was supposed to come down but she called and canceled "I will see you on the way to school tomorrow" she said. I thought nothing of it, the next morning however when Diane walked by my house she didn't even slow down. I was ready so I ran to catch up. "Don't walk with me" she said when I had almost caught up. I was confused but dropped back a few feet and I trailed her to school. She wouldn't talk to me a recess and when we got out of school that day it was the same thing.

I was confused "why are you mad at me?" I asked her.

"You are a loser and I can't stand you anymore" she yelled. I stood there while she ran off. I knew she didn't mean it and that she would eventually come around if I gave her some time.

Meanwhile my mom had gotten a job at a taxi service answering phones. I often would go down there after school. One day I was outside exploring the area. I went behind the building and discovered a huge Irish wolfhound chained to a dog house. He was easily the biggest dog I had ever seen. I started toward him and he lifted his head and growled at me. I stood there for a minute thinking then ran back around to the front. I went into my moms' lunch bag and grabbed her sandwich that she hadn't eaten yet. I raced back around the building and when I got back the dog just looked at me with disinterest until I began to open that bologna sandwich. He slowly got to his feet and looked at that sandwich. I tore a piece off and threw it to him. It didn't land where he could get it and as he tried to reach it he whined. The sound broke my heart. I tore a bigger piece and inched closer to him holding it out. He watched me closely as I slowly edged closer until I could hand it to him. Talking to him the whole time I fed him the entire sandwich and then gingerly touched his head. When all he did was flinch a little I began to pet and talk to him in a soft voice. I sat with him until my mom yelled for me that it was time to go.

Every day after that I brought him some food from home not that he wasn't being fed, he was. I just wanted him to like me. I knew he liked me when one day a couple of boys that I had fought decided to gang up and get back at me. I ran for the taxi company and at the last minute instead of going inside I swerved and ran around back, the boys hot on my heels, and there was the dog. As soon as I ran around the corner he came to his feet and when those boys came around I was already behind him leaning on his doghouse. Those boys stopped so fast that they almost fell down. The dog was growling. I walked over laid my hand on his neck and told those boys if they didn't get out of there I was going to let him off his chain. They ran promising they would get me at school the next day. I laughed and gave the dog a really good scratching.

I was sitting on the ground next to the dog when the owner of the building came around the corner. Both me and the dog jumped to our feet and man was that guy was mad "what are you doing back here?" He asked. "If you get bit I'm going to be the one responsible."

"I have been coming back here for weeks. He isn't going to bite me we're friends" I told him. I leaned down and hugged the dog's neck and he turned and licked me.

The man looked surprised. "Okay if you're careful I guess its okay with me if you want to come back here. There are some treats in the front office I can show you where if you want to give him some" he said. I followed him to his office. His wife and son were both in there. His son was my age but went to a private school. His name was Ken and he was really cute. "Ken grab her some treats for Cujo would you please." Ken was surprised and when I had grabbed a handful of treats out of the box he held he followed me out back. I shared the treats I had brought out and while we both fed Cujo we talked.

I told him about the boys and he laughed and promised not to tell his dad. The next few months were great. Ken and I would meet out back and sit and talk about everything. We had some many things in common. Then one day we were sitting on top of the dog house talking about his friends at school when he commented that all his friends had already kissed a girl. I smiled and told him that he could kiss me if he wanted. So we turned toward each other and he leaned forward and very gently touched his lips to mine.

I got to the office one day and Ken was upset. We grabbed some treats and went out back. After feeding the dog his treats we sat on top of the dog house. "Dad is going out of business and we are moving" he said.

"When do you have to go?" I wanted to know.

"Mom and I are leaving this weekend."

Suddenly I realized that would mean Cujo was leaving to. Ken looked sad when I asked "what about Cujo?"

"Dad gave him away. The guy is going to pick him up tomorrow." It just wasn't fair. I wanted to steal the dog and bring him home with me but I knew mom would never let me keep him. I said goodbye to Ken and Cujo that day and I never saw either of them again.

Katie was going out with Fred a guy that lived at the end of my street so I was always running into her. We would talk for a few minutes. We eventually started hanging out together again. Her boyfriend had a sister and we all became friends. We would gather at the corner and play in the woods behind our houses. We played in the woods a lot. However, when their parents weren't home we would go over to their house and Fred would put on pornographic movies for us to watch. He was a little older than we were and I don't know what Katie and he did when they were alone but those movies made me feel weird. Once while we were out in the woods playing hide and seek Fred came up behind me and before I realized what was happening he had me pushed up against a tree. He tried to kiss me but I jerked my head to the side and he kissed the side of my neck instead. He wouldn't let me go so I started to yell but he covered my mouth with his hand. He continued kissing my neck and whispering to relax. He was a lot stronger than I was and he had wrestled me to the ground when we heard someone coming. He rolled off me and I took off through the trees. I never told Katie what he had done because I didn't want to hurt her. One day Katie and Fred got into a fight and broke up. I was relieved that he wasn't going to be around anymore. What I hadn't expected was that his sister didn't want to be friends with Katie anymore. Since I wasn't going to ditch her again it was just the two of us.

CHAPTER 5

Katie's parents owned a pet store and occasionally I would work there for some spending money. I was dusting shelves one weekend when a man came up to me and asked "do you remember me?"

"No" I said.

So he told me "my name is Ray, your sister Rachel used to babysit for me. We came over your house all the time. I often wondered how you were doing. We used to be good friends." After I explained that Rachel didn't live with us anymore he asked "have you ever seen a trout up close?"

"What's a trout?" I asked. He laughed and said "it's a fish I have some in a fish tank at my house. Want to check it out?"

"Sure why not I'm almost done here anyway" I said so after telling Katie that I would be back we left the store. He brought me to his house and down to his basement where he had a fifty gallon fish tank filled with trout that he had caught. I stood watching the fish swimming around. He threw them some food. While I watched them fighting over the food he sat down in a chair across from the tank. "Come over here for a second" he said. When I walked over to him he pulled me onto his lap "this is the way to watch fish. Try it, sit back and relax" I sat there undecided, after a minute he pulled me back against him and waited until I had relaxed "see how peaceful it is sitting here just the two of us" we were both staring at the fish. He shifted so that my legs fell outside his and he said "I miss the way my girls used to sit and watch the fish with me. They don't care about watching fish anymore. They think it's boring. They don't understand peacefulness but you do, don't you?" He was talking quietly and I was feeling relaxed and enjoying watching the fish. Then Ray placed his hand on my stomach. I tightened up a little and he reassured me "relax its okay. I'm not going to hurt you. I'd never hurt you." He waited until I relaxed against him then he slid his hand into my shorts. I just sat there staring at the fish. He stroked me for a while then a strange feeling started to come over me. I didn't know what was happening.

"Stop" I said grabbing his wrist.

"Relax for a minute" he breathed against my ear. I couldn't sit still. Ray wrapped his other arm over my stomach and held me to him while he stroked faster. I felt like I was going to fly apart at any moment. I still gripped his wrist although I wasn't trying to push him away any longer. Then one of his kids called for him and just like that it was over. I felt like crying and didn't know why. "Next time I'm going to put my mouth there and you will feel so good you won't believe it." That scared me so I ran up the basement steps and out the door. "Wait for me" he yelled. Then like nothing happened he took me back to the store.

That Sunday after church I was bored with nothing to do. I was sitting on a bench downtown watching the people go by. This good looking guy stopped next to the bench "can I sit here?" He asked.

"It's a free country" I said then he sat down next to me.

"Ever wonder about the people that walk by? Who they are? What their story is? " He asked.

"Not really" I replied.

"Its' fun you should try it" and he began to make up stories about the people walking by. He was funny, charming and interested in me. His name was Eddy and he was nineteen. He asked me all sorts of questions that first day. I never stopped to wonder why he would want to talk with a kid I just thought he was nice.

When I had to go home he asked me "are you going to be here tomorrow?"

I smiled "I don't know why?"

"I just moved into town and I don't know anyone. Yours was the first friendly face I saw. I was thinking maybe you could show me around."

I liked the sound of that so I said "sure I'll meet you here at four." I met him every day after school. We would go bowling or to the diner to eat. Sometimes we would just walk. I showed him all my favorite places to go. After a couple months I was convinced I was very much in love with him.

One day while we were walking in the woods. He sat on a rock. I was standing facing him telling him about my day. He gently took my hand and drew me into his arms and kissed me. "I love you, you know. I want to be with you forever." He told me. I couldn't believe it someone loved me. I was very happy. I had already showed him where I lived but now I showed him how to get to the back of the house where my bedroom window was.

I told him "Come back here and talk to me after dark until I have to go to bed." I hated that I had to sneak around but I agreed with him that no one would understand our relationship. Every night he would sit outside my window and we would talk until I had to go to bed.

One day at school Diane came over to me and started talking like nothing had happened. It was okay with me. We spent all of recess talking about what she had been doing. We walked home together that day and I told her about Eddy. She got angry with me and accused me of lying to her. I smiled "do you want to meet him? He is waiting for me at the overpass at the bottom of the hill" I told her. She walked down there with me and there was Eddy right where I said he would be. I ran ahead and told him "That's my friend Diane, I told her about us but don't worry she won't tell anyone." When Diane reached us I introduced them and we started walking back up the hill toward Diane's house. We said goodbye to her on the corner and kept going. We always went into the woods to make out until I had to go home.

The next day Diane came over to walk to school with me as we were walking she asked "how did you meet him?"

"I met him downtown one day. I was sitting on the bench and he sat down next to me and we just started talking." I told her.

"Don't you think he's too old for you?" She asked.

"No I don't think so. If you do you don't have to hang out with us." I told her defensively.

"Aren't you afraid of getting into trouble?" she asked.

"Not if you keep your mouth shut." I said.

"I'm not going to tell on you." She sounded annoyed that I would suggest such a thing.

I thought life was pretty good. Diane and I were friends again; I was in love with Eddy. Most days Diane and I would go meet Eddy after school then we would walk Diane most of the way home before going our own way. Then Eddy and I would go find a place to make out until I had to go home. He would walk me most of the way home where we would say goodbye for a couple of hours. Then we would meet at my window and talk for hours.

After a couple of weeks Diane came to me and said "I have to tell you something and you have to promise not to get mad."

"Okay what" I said.

"I went to the store for mom last night and I ran into Eddy. He walked me to the store and asked me out."

I promptly got mad at her "you're lying you just want me to break up with him so that you can have him" I accused her.

"That's not true I don't want him. I think it's wrong for you to be going out with him. You know that" She said angrily.

I pushed her down and yelled at her "you're just jealous that he loves me and no one loves you." She ran away crying and I walked down to meet Eddy still feeling very angry.

When I got to him he saw I was upset and he asked "what's wrong babe?"

I looked at him and asked "did you ask Diane out last night?"

"No babe, I didn't ask her out. I asked her if she would ever date a guy my age because I have a friend who I think would like her." I believed him mostly because I wanted to believe him. He loved me he wouldn't do that.

That night when he came to my widow I said "I want you to come inside."

"No way if I get caught in there I won't be able to see you anymore" he said.

"Please she never comes in here you don't have to worry" I told him. He eventually climbed through the window kicked off his shoes and laid on my bed. I was wearing a nightshirt and underwear. I climbed under my covers we lay together kissing. We were together only a short time when we heard my mom coming. He tried to hide next to the bed but she saw him. She chased him out of the house and called the police.

I refused to speak to the officer that came to the house. "Bring her down to the station tomorrow when things have calmed down. But if she doesn't want to tell me what happened there is nothing I can do" the cop told her.

An hour later Eddy softly knocked on the window "what happened?" He asked.

"I have to go to the police station tomorrow but I'm not going say anything" I assured him.

"I've been offered a job driving for a trucking company. I wasn't going to take it but after what happened tonight it might be better if I went" he said.

"No Eddy please don't go I swear I'm not going to say anything about you" I begged him.

"I'll only be gone for a week or two. I'll be back for you I promise. I love you remember that." He assured me. I was going to continue to beg him not to go when we heard my mom coming again. He kissed me quick and took off.

When my mom opened my door she asked "What are you doing? Is he out there again?"

"No mom he is not out here. I'm just looking at the stars." I said as I gave a quick look up to see if there were any stars visible. When I saw stars I gave a sigh of relief.

"I'm disappointed that you didn't tell me about that guy yourself. I didn't appreciate hearing about him from Diane's dad." Mom told me.

I felt the heat of betrayal and rage fill up inside me. "You don't understand he loves me and I love him and that's all there is to it" I yelled.

"I'm bringing you to the police station tomorrow and you are going to tell them the truth about what he did to you." She said firmly.

"He hasn't done anything to me. He loves me he just wants to spend time with me." I yelled at her.

She brought me to the station the next day anyway. The officer brought me into a room "your mom says that this guy is your boyfriend. Is that true?" He asked. I remained silent. "She says that you guys are in love. If I loved a girl I sure wouldn't want to keep it a secret. I would want to shout it to everyone. Hey this is my girl." I couldn't help a small smile from escaping at the thought of him doing that. "If he loves you shouldn't he be here with you right now? Instead of letting you go through this all alone."

I finally couldn't keep quiet anymore. "He does love me. But it doesn't matter anymore because he's gone. He left this morning and I'm not going to tell you anything else." When I got to school I went right up to Diane "why did you tell your dad? How could you do that?"

She was shaking her head before I had finished speaking "my dad saw you walking home. He saw you holding Eddy's hand. He asked me about it after dinner and I lied for you. I got a whipping for lying. But I didn't tell."

"I don't believe you" I shouted. "You told him and now Eddy is gone. I'm never going to speak to you again." I wanted to smash her face in but my yelling had attracted the attention of the teacher so I walked away.

I was having a hard time controlling the anger I had inside. It would bubble up and consume me when things didn't go as I wanted them to. I was easily provoked into fighting but that didn't really bother me I liked fighting. The thing that bothered me most about getting angry was when I would be laying in bed at night and one of the cats would come up on the bed. If I was already in a bad mood and they didn't lay where or how I wanted, if they tried to get away, I would start beating them until they laid still. My anger would come hard and fast and I couldn't control it. I always cried after and was really sorry. I would think of what Carrie would say if she knew. My heart would hurt and I would hate myself. I knew it was getting out of control.

Things were not going well at home either so even if I could bring myself to tell my mom what was going on she had her hands full with my sister.

Debbie was not that much different from Rachel in that she liked the guys that could get her in the most trouble. She liked guys her own age but that was the only difference. She liked the guys who got her to drink and smoke. Guys that she wanted to be with more than anything else she was skipping school; fighting with mom and making her cry just like Rachel. I hated that but I couldn't do anything about it.

One afternoon she wanted to go downtown and meet some guy. She was supposed to be watching me so she said "come on I need to go downtown."

When I said "I don't want to" she took a swing at me. Not only did I duck but I hit her back purely on reflex. I suddenly realized I wasn't afraid of her anymore. It felt really good not to have to be afraid of her and the surprise on her face was priceless. She came after me again and I gladly stood my ground and fought back. She found out the hard way that she couldn't push me around anymore and that I punched hard. Since she couldn't make me go she decided to bribe me. Ten bucks later we were on our way downtown. I went into the candy store and Debbie got impatient. She wanted to go meet her guy so I said "go I have been running these streets on my own for a couple of years now thanks to you. I don't need you to watch me. I'll make sure I get home before mom does." And I was.

Of course she wasn't home before mom and when mom came in and asked "where's your sister? I have some groceries in the car for you guys to get."

I decided to cover for her "she ran down to her friend Rose's for a minute." When she came in I got to her first "I told mom that you ran over to Rose's so you have only been gone a few minutes." I think it was then that she realized I could be a good alibi for her. She started taking me with her when she went out because she figured I would back her stories up and sometimes I would. One day she just assumed that I would cover for her after she was a jerk all day. Man was she surprised when I didn't. She learned fast that if she wanted my help to cover for her then she wasn't going to be a jerk to me. We sort of had a truce after that. I still didn't like her but hanging out with her I got to go to cooler places than I could get to on my own.

Unfortunately that was the beginning of real trouble for her. She fell hard for this guy Dennis and he was trouble. At first mom didn't seem to mind him coming over but when Debbie's grades started to slip she banned her from going out with him until her grades came back up. Debbie was having none of that, she started ditching school to be with him and when he dropped out she wanted to also. My mom hit the roof and forbid her from seeing him. She would run away to be with him and things were awful around the house. For awhile I was trying to be helpful and stay out of the way. But since my mom was so caught up in the problems with Debbie she never really noticed what I was doing. Soon I realized that as long as I was quiet and I told her where I was supposedly going I pretty much got to do whatever I wanted.

Now during this time we lived on the first floor of a three story building and there was a guy from school several years ahead of me that lived on the third floor. Now the only reason he is important is because he was friends with Brad. Yes my Brad. So occasionally I would talk to Brad on his way in or out and we became friends again. I started spending time down at Brad's house. I became very close with his mother Susan, and I even liked his brother Todd. Todd wasn't like my sisters he was nice to Brad and I. So whenever things got to hard at home I would go down to Brad's and hang out there. Across the street from Brad's house was an abandoned toy factory. We spent a lot of time over in that place breaking windows and generally creating mayhem.

We also began riding our bikes around the church again doing stunts and showing off. After doing a trick I was turning around behind rectory garage and I noticed a small door on the outside of the chimney. The chimney was on the back of the garage and went all the way to the ground. On the bottom was a small metal door. "Hey Brad" I yelled "check this out." When Brad got to me I asked him "what do you think this door is for?"

"I don't know" Brad said.

"Maybe it's to start a fire in. Let's try it." I suggested excitedly. Brad agreed halfheartedly. We gathered leaves and small twigs and I lit the pile with my lighter. As the flame took hold the priest came outside.

"Hey what are you two kids doing over there?" He yelled.

I slammed the door closed and we jumped on our bikes and took off as fast as we could. The priest got in his car and chased after us. We jumped the curb rode down a small wooded hill to the next street. When we saw that he was still coming we cut across the railroad tracks and pedaled up a dirt path into the woods. When we were sure we lost him we stopped hanging over our handle bars breathing heavy. When I caught my breath I looked at Brad "well we can't go back there anymore." I said as I started laughing. "Did you see that guy trying to catch us?" I couldn't stop laughing. My laughing made Brad start laughing.

"You have such great ideas" Brad said sarcastically when he stopped laughing. "Only you would set fire to a church. What's next a police station?"

"Come on man it wasn't a church" I said still chuckling "it was the church's garage. Big difference"

Things between Debbie and my mom were getting pretty bad. My mom had to call the police on her a couple of times after she took off and she ended up in the court system as a run away. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse they had a huge fight and Debbie ran out of the house saying that mom would be sorry. A few hours later my mom got a call from social services saying that Debbie had sworn a statement to the police that my mom had hit her with a frying pan and until this was cleared up they had placed Debbie somewhere else. The police came to our house and talked to me and my mom and a court date was set. When we got to the courthouse we discovered that Debbie had been placed with her boyfriend and his folks. My mom was so angry. She was yelling at that social worker and then she called her supervisor. It turned out that the social worker was a friend of Dennis' mom. That woman was fired. Of course, there was no evidence of abuse. Then my mom talked to the judge, the judge got on the phone with my dad. It was decided that Debbie would go out to North Dakota to live with dad. My dad called his parents who bought Debbie a plane ticket. She left the next day. I don't think I have ever been as angry as when she got to go to live with dad. I saw that as a reward, one I had been trying to get for years. Every time I had a chance to go out there and see him something always came up and he had to cancel before buying the plane ticket.

Suddenly I was the only kid left at home. I went from doing whatever I wanted with no attention to being the center of attention. Attention I no longer wanted. I was almost thirteen years old and had been pretty much on my own for years. I didn't need or want someone looking out for me now. But, mom had lost everyone else and so she tried to hang on and hang on tight. But I wasn't my sisters. I didn't want to hurt her. I had learned not to try to go through her, but around her. I had no problem with lying to her and I was very good at it and seldom was I caught.

Rachel had gotten into trouble with social services and they removed my nephew Dante from her custody. My mom and Rachel's boyfriends' mom worked out a custody arrangement between them so that Dante wouldn't go into foster care. My mom had him during the day and after supper his other grandma would pick him up. Now I never really liked kids, babies yes but not kids. But when I had first seen Dante I fell in love. He had a head full of blond hair and the most gorgeous blue eyes you have ever seen with eyelashes so long that they would be the envy of every woman. He was a beautiful little boy. At two years old he also was a handful. My mom was always busy so most of the time Dante was with me. I taught him how to spit, how to curse, I even taught him to kick the tires of any motorcycle that wasn't a Harley and call it Jap crap. I loved having him around he was so much fun. When Rachel got custody back and I didn't get to see him anymore I was surprised how much I missed him.

CHAPTER 6

Early spring was my favorite time of year. That was when the carnival came to town. It would be there for the whole week before Easter. The town would have a parade and a canoe race. Everyone would go see the racers off then go down to the carnival. My favorite time to go to the carnival was when they were setting up. Brad and I would go down as early as we could. We would hang out talking to the guys doing little jobs for them like running to get sodas or lunch, helping move electrical lines, and hanging up the toys in the game booths. It got so every year the regular guys would watch for us. We got free rides, free food, and we were the ones sitting at the games while the guy would yell "see even these kids can do it so how hard can it be." Or "look this little kid just won if they can do it you can too." We drew in a lot of business so the booths would use us every couple of hours. Of course they showed us the easiest way to win. I wasn't into toys so I always gave my stuffed animal to some little kid walking around.

I stayed at Brad's house every chance I got. Brad even started helping me clean the church on Wednesday nights. We would walk down there together and split the chores talking and joking. It seemed to go much faster when Brad was there. We also joined the youth group. At twelve we were the youngest kids there but it didn't seem to bother anyone beside we were almost officially teenagers. We went to a Christian concert one night with the youth group. It was awesome. Adam dropped both of us off at my house late that night. My mom had made a place for Brad to sleep on the floor next to my bed. We were talking when all the sudden Brad asked "do you want to go out with me?" He sounded uncertain.

"We're friends. I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want to ruin our friendship. If we went out and then broke up you wouldn't want to be friends anymore" I answered.

"Couldn't we at least try? If it doesn't work I promise we'll still be friends" he assured me.

"Sure" I said giving in but I wasn't very excited about it. He was my best friend and I didn't want to lose that again. He kissed me that night and I fell asleep holding his hand.

The next day I was awkward around him and when he kissed me again I said "this just doesn't seem to be a good idea."

"You said we could try" he reminded me. "I want to try. It might be the best thing that ever happened to us." I gave in again and we started going out. It was okay for awhile. Then we started fighting. We fought about everything and we fought about nothing. After a few weeks Brad finally agreed that it just wasn't going to work.

I asked "are we still friends or do you hate me."

"I don't hate you" he said. I was relieved that he really seemed to mean it. We remained friends as if nothing happened. I spent so much time over at Brad's that I started calling his mother "mom" and we were always bugging his brother, Todd.

My dad called me over at Brad's one day and after some small talk about school and grades. He got to the real reason he had tracked me down. "I'm sorry but I'm not going to be able to bring you out here to visit for Christmas like we discussed."

"What why not you promised I could come see you" I cried.

"If I bring you out here to visit there will be no money for Christmas presents for your brothers and your sister. You understand right?"

Disappointment was quickly replaced with anger then cold indifference. "Sure I understand dad. You have your children and I'm not one of them. I'll never bother you again" and I hung up the phone very softly. I was glad that there wasn't anyone in the room with me. I wasn't going to waste my time anymore wishing for a dad. They weren't worth it. He never did try to call me again so I guessed I was right when I said he didn't consider me one of his kids. I didn't want to care anymore so I buried the pain deep inside and decided that I didn't need a dad. I decided then that I would do whatever necessary to find someone that would love me no matter what. I would show my dad that I didn't need him in my life. I would be just fine on my own.

Todd at eighteen became my newest crush. One night while Brad and I was upstairs Susan went out and left Todd there to babysit. He had been moping around all night because his girlfriend broke up with him. I decided this would be my chance. I waited for Brad to go to sleep and I crept downstairs. I crept to the door of the living room. Todd was watching a porn video. On the screen a woman on her knees in front of a man. I walked a little way into the room to see Todd more clearly. After a minute I saw Todd rub his hand down the front of his jeans and when I said "I can do that for you" he jumped a mile.

He reached out shut off the television and snapped at me "go back to bed."

I simply repeated "I can do that for you if you want."

He looked at me for a second then looked me up and down. Turning the television back on asked "why do you want to do that for me?"

"I love you. I'll do anything you want me to do" I told him.

"Really, prove it" he said unzipping his jeans. He pulled himself out and waited to see what I would do. I looked at the TV and I got on my knees like the girl. He showed me what to do and I did it. I tried my very best to do it right. After he pulled away and finished into his shirt he looked at me with his head to the side. "Okay your pretty good but you better get back to bed before mom gets home" he said. The next day he managed to get some time alone with me and I did it for him again. After that we would find time every day but that was all we did. He always said that we never had enough time alone to do more.

One day Susan told us they were moving to an apartment downtown. There was no question I would help them move. At one point during the move Susan was going back for more boxes. Todd, Brad, and I were supposed to stay at the new apartment and move the boxes into the rooms they belonged in. Todd said to her "take Brad he can help you load the car. If you leave him here they are just going to screw around then nothing will get done. We can move these boxes into the rooms they belong in." She agreed so Brad and Susan left.

As soon as he was sure she was gone he pulled me to him and kissed me. "Now there is time" he said. I wasn't sure what there was time for but I didn't care I would do whatever he wanted. He pulled down his pants and sat on a chair. I immediately went to my knees in front of him but after a minute he pulled me to my feet. I was confused until he pulled at my pants so I took them off. He told me "turn around and sit on my lap. This may hurt for just a second but then it will feel good." I wasn't prepared for the sharp pain that came.

I jumped up and whirled around, "no way" I said shaking my head "no way."

Todd got angry and said "I should have known better, you're just a baby. You are not ready for real love. I'm done with you don't come looking for me anymore. I need a real woman." I was crushed but not quite willing to face that pain again. There had to be another way. I approached him later but he just shrugged me off. I helped Brad get settled into his room and then I went home. Brad told me a couple of days later that his brother got back together with his girlfriend and they were moving in together. So it really was over. I regretted not following through with what we had started and I began to fantasize what it might be like.

Mom, Susan, and their friend Robb would get together on weekends. Robb played the guitar. We would gather in Susan's apartment during the late afternoon and sing Christian songs. I loved to listen to Susan sing she had such a pretty voice. Susan often would get out her guitar and play along. Robb was a great guy. Everyone knew he was in love with Susan even though she only wanted him as a friend. After singing Robb would take Brad and I and we would go for a walk. We always went the same way. Through quiet neighborhoods where we would make up stories about what the unknown people's lives were like. We would speculate about what they were doing right that moment. That always brought a few laughs. We would get to the cemetery above the lake and we would sit on the bench and talk about life and what challenges we might have to face. Robb always tried to make us think. What would you do if, what would happen when or how you would handle that? Then we started walking again. Down to the lake around the left side and then make our way back home. We did it every Saturday night for years.

Adam came to Brad and me one Sunday after church and said "there is going to be a summer program for the kids on Wednesday nights. So I need you to do a light cleaning on Tuesday and a good cleaning on Thursday. Do you think that is going to be okay with your moms?"

Before I could say anything Brad asked "what kind of program is it? Can't we help with the kids? Then we could clean up after the program is over." Adam thought that was a good idea and told us to talk to the guy that heads up the program.

"Are you crazy?" I asked Brad once we were alone "I don't even like kids why would we want to help."

"You don't have to help but I'm going to. But if you don't help with the kids I'm not going to help you clean after." Brad said. I knew that if Brad was going to be there I'd be there too after all where else did I have to go. So we went and Brad asked the program director if we could help out. "You guys are a little young but if your here I'm sure we can find something for you to do." He replied.

The first night of the program there were kids everywhere and since kids really weren't my thing. I went outside to get some air. As I was sitting on the back wall a van pulled up and parked. I noticed because no one was supposed to park in front of the door. Not that I was going to say anything. A man climbed out of the van and he reappeared at the rear door. Yanking it open he pulled out a wheelchair. After wheeling it to the passenger door and trying unsuccessfully to get it to stay in one place he looked around. When he spotted me he called out "can you give me a hand for a minute." I sauntered over "Could you hold the chair steady? The brake is broken and I haven't had a chance to fix it yet" he said. After I grabbed hold he went to the van and picked up his little boy. When he turned around I was struck by the picture they made. The boy was so small against his fathers' chest that I gave the father a second look. I held the chair while he sat his son down and as he took the handles from me his hand brushed mine. I looked up into his eyes. "Thanks" he said as he walked away. I was in love again.

This time was different, this was an actual man. He was over six feet tall. He was rugged and solid looking with callused hands and muscles bulging out of his shirt in all the right places. I followed him into the church and watched as he introduced himself as Tim and his son Sam. I stood in the door and watched him watch his son join in the fun.

Then I realized he was walking my way. I looked up into his eyes again and this time he smiled a most devastating smile and asked "you going to hold the door closed all night." I ducked my head and turned and went back outside. I stood there watching him and when he noticed me looking at him he smiled again. I was getting butterflies in my stomach from that smile "do you ever talk?" he asked me.

"Sometimes" I said nodding. He laughed. I loved his laugh.

"How come you are not inside with the other kids?" He asked.

I was insulted. "That program is for kids and I'm not a kid." I told him defiantly.

"What are you doing here then?" He asked still smiling at me.

"I have to clean the church after their done messing it up." I told him proudly. "Are you new here? I haven't seen you before." I asked him.

"Are you sure about that?" He mockingly asked.

"Oh yes, I'm sure. "You I would have remembered" I said looking him up and down.

"We are new. I just got a divorce so we had to move here to be closer to my mom she lives here and she watches Sam while I'm at work" he explained.

"I'm glad to hear that you are available" I said. He just laughed at me. As I talked to him I drew him out about his life. Before I was ready to let him go camp was over and the kids were coming outside. As he was walking toward the church to get his son he turned and asked "are you not going to be inside next week too?" I assured him I would be right here.

I was walking on air the rest of the week. When I told Brad about Tim he said "you're crazy what do you want such an old guy for?" But there was no stopping me. I wanted him and I wasn't going to let anything stand in my way this time. At night in the tub I started touching myself and soon that wasn't enough I would put things inside myself a little at a time so that it wouldn't hurt again. If I ever got a chance with Tim I wanted it to be perfect. I didn't want anything to stop me. The next week I dressed in my shortest shorts and my skimpiest crop top. Brad just groaned when he saw me. "You're going to make a fool of yourself" he warned me but I didn't care.

When we got there Brad went inside and I sat on the wall at the back of the parking lot just like before. I sat there until I saw Tim drive up and park. He must have fixed the brake because as I was walking toward them to help he whisked Sam right in. I waited but he didn't come back out so I went in after him. I saw him as soon as I walked through the doors. I slouched there against the door and watched him. He was talking to the other parents. I knew the second he saw me. I watched the surprise on his face as his eyes swept over me from top to bottom. I gave him a small smile and turned to look at something else. Soon he was striding toward me. I turned and walked outside. I went around the side of the church and Tim was hot on my heels. He grabbed my arm "what do you think you are playing at?" He asked.

I pretended not to understand as I casually leaned into him I asked "why do you want to play with something?"

He jerked away from me walked over and leaned against the wall. "Do you realize that you're asking for trouble dressed like that?

I smiled as I sauntered over and leaned into him again. I reached up and pulled his head down and whispered in his ear "trouble is my middle name. I just might surprise you at how good I handle trouble." He looked down into my eyes and leaned forward until I thought for sure he was going to kiss me. Jerking his head back he gently pushed me off him. Shaking his head he went and sat in his van. I wasn't giving up that easily I almost had him. I knew it deep down. I walked to the van and stepping up on the running board I leaned in the window. "Why are you running away? Things were just getting interesting" I said as I ran my fingers over the front of his very tight fly. He grabbed my hand and after a brief hesitation pressed it to him hard then lifted it off.

"What the hell am I doing?" he asked himself. "You are way too young to act this way" he said desperately. Smiling wickedly I said "You give me half a chance and I'll show you just how young I'm not" I assured him.

To which he replied "do me a favor get in the van before someone sees you" After I got in the van he drove it to a dark corner of the parking lot. We talked for awhile. I was teasing and flirting with him as hard as I knew how. I wasn't sure I was even getting to him when suddenly he reached over hauled me over onto his lap and ground his mouth to mine. I fisted my hand in his hair and kissed him with everything I had. He was not gentle as he pressed his tongue deep into my mouth his hands roaming my small body. The butterflies were fluttering up a storm and I was thoroughly enjoying every second of his surrender. He pushed me back swearing. Not at all happy he had given in to me. He pushed me back into my own seat. I tried to soothe him knowing that he was thinking that I was too young. "I want you so much more than I have ever wanted anyone else" I told him slowly working my way back into his lap.

He looked down at me letting me stay for the moment. "Just how many anybodies has there been?" He asked.

"I've given head to one guy a couple of times. But I'm a really fast learner. I said. He looked satisfied with that answer. I was snug in his lap as we talked and twice more during the course of our conversation he was overcome and had to kiss me. He would pull away swearing every time saying that it wasn't going to happen again. I knew better. I just sat there with a little smile and would start the conversation back up.

I looked forward to every Wednesday night. I would wait for him on the wall at the back of the parking lot. After he dropped off Sam and chatted with the other parents for a few minutes he would drive over and park in our corner and I would get in. It always went the same. With him trying to hold back and not give in to me and me egging him on until he broke and reached for me. I would always meet him halfway. Every night would end the same. Him saying that it had to stop and me knowing I would never let that happen.

One night while Tim and I were talking and playing our game he mentioned that Sam's mom would be picking him up that night. I was suddenly swamped with possibilities. "What are you doing for the rest of the night then?" I asked.

He smiled at me "you have a church to clean remember" he said.

I shook my head "I can do that tomorrow or you could swing by in an hour and pick me up." I had never felt so grateful that Brad didn't help me on Wednesday nights anymore.

"I'll come back if I can" Tim said. I figured that that meant he was going to talk himself out of it. So I was surprised after shutting off the vacuum an hour later to find him leaning against the wall watching me.

"I have to put the vacuum away" I said. The butterflies had started the second I caught sight of him. I was getting to really love that feeling. He followed me back to the utility room. When I turned around he was crowding into me. He swept his hands down my sides until he reached my lower back and pulled me into his very hard erection.

"You have been driving me crazy for three weeks and you are going to take care of it right now." I didn't say anything I just dropped to my knees in front of him, opened his jeans and reached in. When I wrapped my fingers around him I felt his knees sag a little as he groaned. I had never felt more powerful. It was over way to fast and as usual he regretted what happened almost immediately.

I placed my hand on his chest "we both wanted this to happen" I said.

He looked at me "we are in a church. I can't believe that I let you bewitch me to the point that I forgot where I was" he cried.

"Come on then let's get out of here and go somewhere else" I said trying to get him to calm down.

"I'm not going anywhere with you" he said then bolted. I walked home a mixture of elation and sadness. I wasn't sure that he was going to recover so easily from what I had done. He was really upset with me. When his ex-wife dropped off Sam the next week and then the next I knew that he was staying away on purpose.

Whenever I wanted something I would steal it. I stole all the time. From stores mostly but I also stole money from my mom when I had the chance never enough for her to notice though. I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to do it. Although mom often yelled at me about the time I came home at night, who was I hanging out with, and of course my attitude I never yelled back. I didn't ever want to be like my sisters. But I had spent most of my younger years doing whatever I wanted to. I wasn't going to stop just because she had no one else to tell what to do. So I would agree with whatever she said then do whatever I wanted anyway. She would ground me and I would go out the next day anyway. I was hanging out with a bunch of older kids at their place and I started drinking with them. I would always make sure that I was sober by the time I went home. If I wanted to party all night I would just tell her I was staying at a friends' house.

Then we moved into the same apartment building as Brad, right below him in fact. The best part was that somehow Tim had been volunteered with his van to help us move. Of course I volunteered to ride with him to show him the way. I stuck to him like glue while we were loading the van there was no way I was going to miss this opportunity. I overheard my mom telling Susan how cute it was that I followed him around. I just smiled to myself.

As soon as we got to the new apartment I cornered him in one of the empty bedrooms and said "I have missed seeing you on Wednesdays."

"I have been busy at work" he replied as he tried to walk away from me.

I stopped him from walking away by blocking the door. "You know if you don't want me bothering you. I'll leave you alone you just have to say so. If that's what you really want. You're not the only guy in the world. In fact there is a guy I have been hanging out with lately. He's always trying to get me to be nicer to him than I have been so far." I said.

"If you let some punk touch you I'm going to turn you over my knee and beat some sense into you." Tim practically growled at me.

I smiled "Are you going to kiss it and make it better afterward" I asked with a triumphant smile. He looked at me for a minute and slowly put his hands on my shoulders and drew me to him. "You have a smart mouth" he said "I don't know why I can't keep my hands off of you." He said as he kissed me.

When he lifted his head I whispered "because you want me."

"Yes I do. God help me I do" He replied as his hands flowed over my familiar curves.

"I'm yours whenever, however you want me. I want to be yours in every way" I said.

He kissed me "no, I won't take that" he promised more himself than me. I knew he meant my virginity but he was the one I wanted to give it to and I told him so. He was saved from replying when the rest of the movers showed up. He did show up at the camp that Wednesday and we went back to sitting in his van, kissing when I could get him to and just talking when I couldn't. I was happy when I was with him.

CHAPTER 7

When I wasn't with Tim I was drinking pretty heavily. It was bound to happen and one day I came home drunk. And it was obvious that I was drunk. My mom started to freak out on me "your drunk" she shouted.

"Relax" I said "I haven't been drinking I swear. In fact the only thing I even had to drink this afternoon was a coke I got off a guy downstairs."

Brad coming to my defense said "it must have been spiked."

I grabbed at the lifeline "I didn't know there was anything else in it I swear. How could I know? I don't know what alcohol tastes like." Since Brad obviously hadn't been drinking she decided to believe us.

When I wasn't hanging out with my new friends and I wanted to drink I would steal beer from the grocery store. Since Brad was always with me I offered to steal some for him to but he always declined. There was an abandoned box car behind an old railroad station near where I lived. We would go there with my beer and sit and as I would drink we would talk. I also liked this little spot by the river behind some fancy house about a mile away. We would sit against a tree and talk about what the future might be like watching the water go by while I drank.

One night I came home and my mom started yelling at me about something so I turned right back around and left. I walked down to the store stole a six pack and went down by the river. I didn't come back that night at all. She had everyone out looking for me but I wasn't where anyone was going to find me. I went home the next morning and apologized for leaving. She was so happy to see me that she let it slide.

That Wednesday when I got to the church Tim was waiting at the back of the parking lot standing next to his van. "Where the heck were you? I was out looking for you for four hours" were the first words out of his mouth.

"If I knew you were looking for me I would have let you find me. Then at least I wouldn't have spent such an uncomfortable night alone." I told him with a smile.

"Yes, you would have. I was not alone when the pastor called so I didn't go looking for you alone."

Immediately suspicious I asked "Who exactly were you with at ten o'clock at night?"

"I was with a woman from church that I have been dating. Her name is Amanda and she is very nice" he answered.

I was livid "is she aware that she shares you with me?" I asked him.

He grabbed my arms hauled me against his chest "matter of fact no she isn't and she better never find out." As usual as soon as I felt him against me I melted into him. He cursed at me as he crushed my mouth with his.

"You are mine and I'm not giving you up" I said when he lifted his head.

"I'm not yours little girl. I play with you but I need an actual woman. Someone I have things in common with someone that can satisfy my needs if the urge hits and that isn't you."

So at church Sunday I sought out this Amanda. "I heard that you went out looking for me last Saturday. I wanted to thank you for your time and apologize for any inconvenience I caused." I said very politely when I found her.

She smiled "its okay I used to fight with my mom to." After that I worked hard to become friends with Amanda. Even though she had two children not much younger than me she never treated me as a child. When we talked it was as equals. She even talked to me about her relationship with Tim. Outside I smiled and made nice, inside I was fuming and working to find a way to break them up.

As I spent time with Amanda and her children I began to be seen as an adopted older sister to her daughter Tessa. Tessa was three of four years younger than I was. She came over to my house one day and I was showing off for her. "Watch this Tessa" I said as I sprayed hairspray and put a lighter to it. Flame flew through the air.

"Wow that's so cool." She said in awe. I wrote "hello" on the wall with the hairspray in big letters and set it on fire as the flames raced along each letter I could see she was impressed.

"Hey watch this" I said. I sprayed my jeans and lit them up. It got real hot real fast "ow" I said as I beat the flames out making like I had burned myself.

"Are you burned?" she asked.

"Oh it's nothing. I said wanting her to think I was tough "don't worry about it."

Later that day my mom came into my room. "Let me see your leg" she demanded.

"Why?" I asked although I was pretty sure I knew.

"I was told that you had burned yourself so just show me right now."

So I showed her my completely unscathed leg. "I didn't burn myself" I said. "How could I? I don't play with fire anymore." She turned and examined my wall. I knew she wouldn't find anything. I had already washed the scorch marks off the wall so I just sat there trying to look innocent. "What are you looking for? I asked.

"Tessa said that you set your wall on fire and then burned yourself." Mom told me still examining the wall.

I knew it I thought "well as you can see I didn't. She's just a little jealous of my friendship with her mom. She'll get over it." I could see that she didn't really believe me but she had no proof. I now knew that I couldn't trust Tessa she was just too young.

When I went over to Amanda's later that day Amanda sat down next to me "Don't be mad at Tessa" she said "she wasn't trying to get you in trouble. She was frightened that you might have hurt yourself"

I shrugged "I'm not mad and I didn't hurt myself. I promise" I said with a smile.

After looking at me for a second she said "Tessa wasn't mistaken was she? You were playing with fire." I just looked at her with a smile. "I'm not going to tell your mom. I just want to be sure that you're not going to do that around Tessa anymore."

"I'm not going to don't worry. After all I don't play with fire anymore." She understood what I was trying to say.

I was sitting on the steps at the rear of my apartment building. As usual I was wearing short shorts and a crop top. I spotted an extremely gorgeous man in the parking lot. He caught my attention when he got out of a tiny pickup. He was so tall I didn't know how he could fit in that little truck. When he got close enough I could see he had beautiful blue eyes. "Now how did you fit your fine self inside that little biddy truck?"I asked loudly.

When he looked over at me I stretched so he could see a lot of everything. That got a smile and a look in his eyes I was beginning to recognize. "I fit into tight places all the time" he flirted with a smile.

My smile grew as I watched him come closer "Really, I would have to feel oh I mean see that to believe it" I flirted back. We exchanged a few more pointed comments then he excused himself to go to a meeting when he came out of his meeting I was still sitting there so he walked on over.

"What is your name little sprite?" he asked. I wasn't sure I liked the nickname but I sure liked the attention so I told him my name. "Come here a lot do you?" He asked.

"I live right here" I told him jerking my thumb over my shoulder at the apartment building "so I'm here most of the time."

"Really I'm going to be coming back here in a couple days around three you think you might be here then?" He asked

"Oh I just might be" I replied with a wink and a smile "anything is possible if you want it bad enough." He looked at me for a second before turning and walking away. "Hang on" I hollered "what's your name?"

"David" he hollered back with a smile. Then got into his tiny truck and drove away. I couldn't believe my luck. This guy was gorgeous. Where Tim was tall and robust, David was tall and lean and so handsome it almost hurt to look at him. I saw him a lot in the next few weeks. I found out he also worked in construction but while Tim was a carpenter. David was a contractor.

With Tim over at Amanda's all the time and Brad busy with his dad I didn't have much to do but hang out at home. On the back steps was the place to people watch. Also David ate at the restaurant across the alley a lot. We flirted every time we saw each other. I could see that he was interested in me and I sure was attracted to him. Finally he flat out asked "do you want to go for a ride with me tomorrow and check out the house I have been telling you about?" He was watching me intently.

I knew what he was asking. But was I ready to give up on Tim? At least David seemed to enjoy my company. He didn't seem to mind getting close to me. That was more than Tim could do. He hated himself every time he touched me. Looking at David I knew he wasn't going to have that problem. "What's wrong with today?" I asked him making my decision.

"I can't today there are people there and I have to get back to work. Come on how about tomorrow?" He looked at me with hope in his eyes. I slowly nodded my consent. David walked away whistling.

That afternoon I went over to Amanda's. I wanted to tell her all about this crazy sexy man I had been hitting on. As I had expected Tim was there already. Perfect I thought let's see how he likes being the one replaced. While I was talking to Amanda I was covertly watching Tim and sure enough his jaw clenched and he was not happy. After about an hour spent telling them every little detail that I could remember I told Amanda I had to go. "I'm going to meet my mystery man. He's going to take me out to show me where he's working." I made sure not to mention his name just that he was a contractor. So Tim would know that it was an empty house he was going to take me to.

After I shut the door I listened intently on the other side. I had to know if I had affected him at all. I got to him more than I dreamed possible. I heard Tim yell at Amanda "you should have stopped her. Her seeing a grown man isn't right. She is too young." He was angry.

"What would you have me do? Tie her up? She probably made up the whole thing. I mean think about it no man is going to touch a girl that young. Besides that girl is a tough as nails. She is going to be fine" she snapped back.

"She isn't as tough as you think she is" he said. "I'm going back to work." I ran from the house down around the corner then started walking as if I had been walking the whole time. A few minutes later Tim pulled to a stop beside me "get in" he said. I climbed into the van. "What do you think doing? He asked.

"Living my life as I want to" I answered "since you have a girlfriend now you are really in no position to say anything about what I do or who I do. You don't want me. He does."

"It's a bad idea you shouldn't be doing this" he told me as he dropped me off at my apartment building.

The next day David stopped in the parking lot near where I was waiting he rolled down his window "you ready to go for a ride with me" oh yeah I was.

I don't know if that first time was about punishing Tim or being attracted to David. All I knew was David wanted me. I knew what he wanted and I was more than happy to give it to him. So I wasn't surprised when we pulled into a dirt road and he yanked down his zipper. I took over from there and he was surprised at how good I was. "Practice makes perfect" I told him.

"Come on I have a blanket in the back I would love to get you under me" he said.

"I haven't done that yet and I'm not quite ready to go there" I told him. I really wanted my first time to be with Tim and maybe just maybe I could make him jealous enough to get him there. I finished him off and he drove me home. I went with him a few more times before school started up again.

Seventh grade was definitely different from grade school. Moving from class to class having seven different teachers was confusing at first. The classes were okay my teachers were nice but I was more and more dissatisfied with life. I didn't have many friends. I was still an outcast and I didn't really care as long as everyone left me alone. I was still called the occasional name but usually from within a crowd of kids so I never was sure who had done it. I never got to see Tim or David. I did see Amanda occasionally. She and I had actually become friends. But something was missing.

My mom had started to get into using a CB radio. She had a lot more friends and since I had a lot more freedom I didn't begrudge her happiness. Occasionally I would even talk on it myself. She had a friend, Will who came over every once in a while and they would sit and have a few drinks and chat. I liked Will he was okay. Then one night he and my mom were hooking up her CB to a bigger antenna. When it came time to test it he asked me "you want to come along to test the range?"

"Sure why not? I'm not doing anything." I went with him. On the way he stopped at the liquor store and picked up a handful of little bottles of Jack Daniels.

"You want one of these while we drive around?" He asked.

"Hell yeah" I said as I took one and drained it in one gulp.

"That is obviously not your first drink" he commented.

"No it's not you gonna give me another one" I quipped.

"What do I get for it?" he asked.

"What do you want?" This was a game I knew. He gave me another bottle and set the rest between us on the seat.

"We'll get to that later" he said as he picked up the mike and called for my mom. We took turns talking and drinking. We were driving down a dirt road when he stopped and shut off his lights. Now comes later I thought to myself wondering what it was going to be. I was tipsy enough not to care. He groped for my hand in the dark and pulled me closer to him. He kissed me and he ran his hands over my body for a few minutes then he pulled away and continued to drive. That's it, I wondered, that's all he wants I was surprised that he hadn't wanted more from me.

A few weeks later while Brad and I were walking to school I noticed Will's truck outside of a diner. "That's Will's truck. Let's go in and say hi" I said pointing at his red truck.

"Sure why not?" Brad said as I opened the door. When we got inside I saw Will and walked over.

"Hey" Will said when he saw us "sit down have some breakfast."

"We aren't very hungry" I told him but he insisted.

I looked at Brad "I guess we could have a muffin" he said. So we both had a blueberry muffin and a coke. Brad knew what had happened with Will because I told Brad everything. So he whispered to me "why don't you ask Will for a dollar so we can get some candy next door." So I asked Will if I could borrow a dollar and we went next door and loaded up on penny candy to munch on during school.

When we came out of the candy store Will was standing next to his truck "come on I'll give you guys a ride to school" he offered.

I still was known to fight at the drop of a hat only now since there was no recess it had to be after school. Mostly it was the popular girls trying to intimidate me. However I knew it was mostly just talk. They would talk tough in front of their friends but were unwilling to back it up. We were in gym class one morning and a girl that I had really come to dislike commented "You act more like a guy than a girl. Are you sure you're not really a guy?"

I had enough of her crap so I calmly turned and said "just because I'm faster and stronger than you doesn't make me a guy but if it makes you feel better your definitely stupider than I am."

She turned red when the class laughed. "You think you're so tough don't you" she shouted at me.

I had her right where I wanted her. Dropping the smile I said. "Not only do I think I'm tougher than you I know I'm tougher than you or any of your friends. But don't take my word for it. You, your sister, and your best friend can meet me after school down on the path. I'll take all three of you on at once."

"We could take you if we wanted to maybe we don't want to." She said trying to back down. The class started to call them chickens.

I simply said "put up or shut up. If you don't show everyone is going to know that you're a chicken that you really are scared of me and you need the teachers around to protect you. You have a big mouth. Can't you back it up? Because I know I can. After school down on the path or you keep your mouth shut around me from now on." I turned and walked away. It was all over school by the end of the day. I knew that they were going to have to show up or be humiliated. Either way I was going to win. If they showed up I knew I could take them even all three at once. After all they were just prissy girls that had never had to fight for anything in their whole lives. If they didn't show up I would never have to listen to their crap again.

When the last bell rang I walked to my locker threw my stuff in and headed outside. There were kids everywhere but no sign of the three I was looking for. I leaned against the wall in plain sight. Kids kept coming up to me and asking "are you really going to take on the three of them.

I told everyone "yes that is exactly what I plan to do if they show up."

Then Katie was there "I'll help you if you want. It's not fair to have to fight three."

"That's really nice but I want to. If it looks like I'm in trouble then feel free to jump in" I said. Suddenly word was running through the crowd that all three girls had got on the bus to go home.

Suddenly the principal was there in the crowd "go home before I start giving out detentions." As I went to slip down the path and escape he saw me. "Not you, you're coming back inside with me." We went into his office "I heard that you were threatening some of the girls in your gym class."

"No sir I told them if they needed help with voice control I would help them and if they wanted I would help all three of them" I said. "I never threatened anyone. They must have misunderstood." I gave him my most innocent smile.

"I think that you need to remember that this is a school and not a place for fighting. If you're caught fighting you will be suspended. Do you understand?"

I smiled "Yes sir I understand." The next day everyone knew how they had chickened out and they never said anything to my face again.

Brad and I were hurrying across the street to meet Will for breakfast one morning and we were running late. I slid to a stop to let a car go by as I stopped my book bag swung forward and barely bumped the back of his car. It was nothing so I didn't give it another thought. We got to school right before first bell. We heard Brad being called to the office over the loud speaker. Five minutes later I was summoned. When I walked in the office Brad was in the detention room. He gave me a look I couldn't decipher. I walked into the principals' office and a man was in there with him. "Do you know who this is?" the principal asked me.

"No should I?" I asked confused.

"Yes, you should I'm Mr. Wrong. I'm the one that almost ran you over this morning. Then you hit the back of my car with your book bag" he said.

"Seriously" I said smiling "I must have really long arms if you almost ran me down and I hit the back of your car."

"That's enough I expect you and Brad to apologize to him." The principal said in his most authoritative voice.

"You have got to be kidding?" I laughed out loud. "Did Brad apologize?" I asked

"This is not funny it is my birthday and so far your turning it into a very bad day" Mr. Wrong said.

"Well happy freaking birthday" I said sarcastically "but it is still not going to happen." The principal pulled Mr. Wrong out into the reception area after a short discussion Mr. Wrong left. The principal asked the secretary something when she answered he said something else and she hurried out of the room. He came back in grabbing Brad as he went by.

"I didn't tell him it was you" Brad said as he came in the room "he saw it was me and knew we walk together."

"Its fine man, don't sweat it" I said.

"Brad did you two run in front of a car this morning?" The principal asked him.

"Not exactly" Brad said. "We ran into the street but stopped to let the car go by."

"You may go back to class." Brad offered me a weak smile as he left. I had a smile fixed on my face. I didn't do anything wrong and there was no way I was going to say I did. A minute later the police officer that watched over the kids coming to school came into the office. I liked Kevin he was a canine cop whom I had known for years. I had always gotten along with him. The principal told Mr. Wrongs story. I wasn't asked mine.

Kevin asked "what does he want you to do with her?"

"All he wants is an apology" the principal said. "She refuses to give him one. She swore at him and was totally disrespectful"

Kevin turned to me "if you don't apologize he is going to be forced to call your mother and suspend you." As my smile grew the principal corrected the impression I got "in school suspension until you write a letter of apology."

I shrugged my shoulders "start dialing man" I said "there is no way I'm apologizing for something I didn't do."

"I'm very disappointed in you" Kevin said as he left the office. The principal sent me to my locker to get my books while he called my mom.

Brad hadn't gone to class he was waiting for me down the hall. "What happened?" he wanted to know.

The unfairness of it came bubbling out "that ***hole told them I hit his car on purpose and they all just believed it including Kevin. I hate that guy; he can rot before I will write him a letter of apology." I felt a little better after venting.

"I'll write the letter for you" Brad offered.

"No it is a matter of principal now. If I back down it will be like saying that I was lying and I won't say that."

"You always lie what's the big deal?" Brad asked.

"The big deal is that they think they can make me do something just to make that guy happy. It is not going to happen" I said emphasizing every word. I got my books and went back to the office. The principal walked me down to the basement where the in school suspension room was. It was a room with bathroom stalls. We had to sit in these stalls facing the wall. There was a blackboard on that wall where our assignments were written for the day. We often slipped notes back and forth on the chalk tray so the person supervising us wouldn't know.

I was in that room for two weeks. At the end of the first week the principal came down to see if I was willing to be reasonable. I was not. The lady watching us took a shine to me so when I was the only one in there which was often she would sit and help me with my school work. She also let me do whatever I wanted and my favorite way to sit was with my feet up on the desk my chair tipped back with my books on my lap. Usually I had a romance novel on top of my school book so it only looked like I was doing my work.

When the principal came in the second time I didn't hear him because the door was already open. I was sitting with my feet up reading a book. Not caring that I was suspended at all. He got angry and kicked the chair out from under me "what do you think you're doing? Do you think this is some kind of vacation? You are going to write that letter." He grabbed my arm and dragged me off the floor and up to his office. He slapped a pad of paper and a pencil in front of me "start writing I have had enough of this."

"I'm not doing it" I said calmly.

He stormed out of his office when he came back he picked up the phone and handed it to me. Mom was on the other end. "I'm tired of getting phone calls about you and this letter. He tells me that you are still refusing to write it." I had told mom my side of the story when I got home the day it happened. She had told me then that she wouldn't get involved. "This is getting out of hand just write the letter."

"But mom you said"

"I know what I said" she interrupted "but it has been two weeks and I thought that one of you would give in by now. That hasn't happened so if you want to go anywhere ever again you will write that letter." I knew when I was beat. I wasn't going to be grounded for this guy.

"Fine" I said "I will write the letter but it in no way means that I did anything wrong." I sat down and started to write what I figured he would want to hear.

"Three pages" the principal said "I want it at least three pages long."

You've got to be kidding me I thought. I wrote a letter that would get them off my back. "I'm done" I said.

"Thank you" he said absently as he picked it up. When he had finished reading it he looked at me "now why couldn't you do this in the first place. It is very nicely written and explains everything." "Because it's a big fat lie" I said to him. "None of that happened I just wrote what you all seemed to want to hear."

"Well good job. You may go get your books and rejoin your regular class." He never mentioned it again.

The next time I was called to his office I had brought one of my mice into science class and it had 'accidentally' got loose in the girls locker room after gym class. Some of the girls had run out into the hallway not fully dressed. The gym teacher caught me laughing as I grabbed my mouse. She told the principal. "I didn't mean to" I said as soon as I got in his office. Course I couldn't say it with a straight face.

"Want to try that again?" he asked me.

"No it's the best I can do" I said laughing.

"You know that you're going to get detention for this right?" He asked.

"Yeah but it was totally worth it. You should have seen their faces." I laughed "and I did wait until they were mostly dressed. It's not like they were naked."

"Even so it was wrong." He was clearly having a hard time trying not to smile. "You have detention for the rest of the week."

Seeing as it was already Thursday I knew he wasn't that angry so I said "alright." As I was leaving the outer office I heard him laughing.

I was still drinking on the weekends but ever since I drank with Will I had been stealing those little nip bottles from the liquor store instead of beer. Eventually weekends weren't enough. I would throw some in my backpack for after school. When Brad and I walked home we would take the railroad tracks and I would drink my bottles. We generally went to his apartment upstairs since his mom was seldom home. We would listen to music and talk about everything. What we wanted to do, who we liked, who we hated, and then Brad being the responsible one would get us started on homework. Although a lot of the time I was to drunk by then to care. I had learned how to mask the smell of alcohol and I was never a silly drunk anyway. If I drank so much that I got sick I got to stay home from school the next day. I don't know if I was that clever or maybe my mom just didn't want to know. I wasn't getting into trouble that she could see so maybe she just left well enough alone.

Sundays were probably the only day I didn't drink. I had Sunday school and church in the morning. I always wanted to make a good impression. I never missed a Sunday no matter how much it hurt to see Tim with Amanda. I still talked to Amanda but I kept my distance from Tim watching him always but shying away from actually talking to him. I didn't want him to know how much I still loved him. I still did all the things for the church that I always did. Out of respect I never went to the church drunk. On Wednesdays I would wait to drink until after I was finished. I really didn't want anyone to think badly of me. People liked me here and I tried never to let them down. After church one Sunday I went to Adam "I really would like to get baptized" I said to him.

"Are you sure that is what you want?" he asked me.

"I'm sure" I didn't understand the significance of being baptized all I knew was that it would make me a member of the church in my own right. I was baptized into the Baptist church soon after that. People came up to me and told me how proud they were and how I was such a good kid.

Christmas vacation came and my mom knowing that I liked Amanda arranged for me to stay with her during the day so I wouldn't be home alone. Both her kids were off with their father so it was just her and I. This was okay when Tim worked all day. Then one day Tim showed up and we ended up going for a nature walk. I was ahead of them when I noticed that they weren't coming. I went back to see what was taking them so long when I spotted them kissing. My whole body went cold and I realized that I was angry angrier than I had ever been before. I watched them kissing my mind blank. When we got back I made up an excuse to get out of there. I went out back and waited. Soon Tim came out when he saw me he stopped. If I hadn't been so very hurt and angry I could have appreciated the look that came across his face a cross between annoyance and a touch of fear.

I stood as he walked over "what are you doing here?" he asked me.

"You know what I'm doing here Tim" I said through gritted teeth. "Did you really think that it was a good idea to rub my nose in it?"

"I wasn't trying to rub your nose in anything but I told you I was seeing her" he told me defensively.

I looked at him and to my annoyance tears started to fall. "I love you. You know that how can you be all over her in front of me?" I cried. Tim looked around quickly and ushered me into the van. As he drove I got a hold of myself and sat quietly plotting my next move. When he stopped I didn't wait for him to say anything I climbed over into his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I want you Tim, I have always wanted you" I said.

I looked into his dark eyes "what about your mystery man?" He asked me.

"I made him up" I lied. I just wanted his arms around me again. "I will share you with Amanda as long as I can have you to" I quietly said looking down.

He put his finger under my chin and tipped my face up to his. He looked in my eyes for a minute then with a small smile he said "are you sure that you can keep your mouth shut" I felt the butterflies once again.

With relief I smiled he still wanted me. I squirmed on his lap a little "oh yeah I'm sure" His lips gently met mine then he turned savage just the way I remembered. My stomach gave the happy little butterfly dance as I curled into his chest. Tim did spend more time with me. We arranged to meet at specific places at specific times and we would go do things together. Walking in the woods was his favorite not only were we out of the public eye but he could reach down and pick me up for a kiss without having to see if anyone was around. I couldn't wait to tell Brad. Brad liked Tim and occasionally when Tim had his son he would take both Brad and I out on hikes. Brad was always warning me to be careful. I thought that this time it would last forever. I couldn't wait for summer break I hated being in school.

One day standing in front of my locker I got my period for the first time. I was wearing white pants and as soon as I saw the stain I ran out of the building and all the way home with my sweatshirt tied around my waist. When I came in the door my mom jumped "what are you doing here?" She asked. "You almost gave me a heart attack."

"I started my period and ruined my pants" I said as I ran in my room. Mom called the school and explained what had happened.

Brad brought my homework home "where did you disappear to?" he asked.

"None of your business" I told him as he threw my work on the bed.

"You probably should start doing your work if you're going to pass. You know your close to failing now" he commented as he took out his homework and stretched out on my floor to do his.

"I hate school, I hate homework, and I don't care if I pass" I whined.

"You're gonna care if you stay behind. You really will be stuck with the babies then" he gave me a look. When Brad was trying to make me do school work he always tried to give me a stern look. He could never quite pull it off.

"Knock it off" I told him as I smacked him with my pillow. But I started on my homework anyway. We worked in silence for a while when I got up to grab a drink from my stash.

"You gotta cut that out. You never finish your homework when you drink" he said as he made a grab for the bottle. I drank it down and flopped on my bed again.

"You want my homework done you do it" I pouted.

"I gotta go you better finish" he said as he gathered his things and left. I decided to drink instead.

That weekend it snowed again. Brad and I were standing on the top of the parking garage that was in the back of the parking lot behind our building. We were throwing snowballs at passing cars and ducking when we connected. We were laughing when a patrol car pulled up underneath us. I looked at Brad and as one we scooped up a handful of snow. Unfortunately one of us inadvertently picked up a rock also. We threw at the same time and watched in horror as the windshield cracked. We turned and looking at one another we took off running. We heard the cop car turn on the siren but we were already across the street and behind the old rail station. I swung up into the abandoned box car and we hid in there. Thanks to all the foot traffic that went by the rail station our footprints did not stick out and the cruiser went right on by.

Brad and I were lying on the floor watching TV when my mom came home that night. She told us "one of my friends on the police force thought they had seen you two on top of the garage right before a windshield was broken by someone throwing rocks were you guys up there."

To which I replied "we were up there but some older boys came and made us leave."

"Were you guys throwing rocks at cars today?" she asked.

To which I could honestly say "no, mom we weren't throwing rocks at cars." She looked at us and we gave her our best innocent stares.

She sighed "I hope not because the police are mad as hell." When she walked out of the living room I grinned at Brad and he had to bury his head in his arms so she wouldn't hear him laughing.

I was walking home alone after school one afternoon because Brad was out sick when I ran into one of the guys I used to drink with. I was drinking as usual and when I saw him I stopped to talk. When I offered him a bottle he offered to trade me a pack of cigarettes for a couple more. I made the trade and he threw in his lighter. I had never smoked before and when I lit up that cigarette I got an immediate buzz.

I gave one to Brad later that night and after smoking with me he was up half the night throwing up. He chose not to smoke after that. So now I was smoking and drinking, I was turning out to be just like my sisters. Something I swore I would never do. I consoled myself with the thought at least I was never going to do drugs. I couldn't see it but things were slowly spiraling out of control.

CHAPTER 8

I don't know how Adam found out about Tim and me but he did. Tim was one of his deacons and I had been at that church so long it felt like home. When Adam found out about us he came to me and said "since you were the instigator of this relationship you have to leave the church. We can't have this kind of behavior here." Tim was asked to step down as deacon. Of course all I heard was that it was entirely my fault and Tim was blameless. I was shattered I loved this church. Adam also told my mom but she however, blamed Tim. It took some fast talking to keep her from calling the police. They had no evidence and I convinced my mother that we never did anything but talk. That Adam thought our friendship was inappropriate only because we spent so much time alone together. I had to promise never to see him again. It was an easy promise to make since Tim wasn't speaking to me anymore anyway.

We switched churches. I didn't care where we went. My mom chose a congregational church two towns over. I wasn't happy there and it must have been apparent because one of the deacons took me under his wing. Howard was an elderly gentleman who must have had a soft spot for troubled kids. He never treated me as a bad kid however. He showed me a room above the foyer that looked out over the congregation. There was a stuffed rocking chair and a bookcase full of books up there. He gave me permission to be up there during church service and from that day on that's where I was during church up in that chair reading books. I read The Cross and the Switchblade, The Asphalt Jungle, and many more. I learned more about Jesus and how he loved me and I realized that he probably was still with me after all this time. I wondered if I looked inside myself if I could still find that loved feeling that he put there so long ago but I didn't have the nerve to look.

I was a very angry girl and everyone gave me a wide berth except Howard. One Sunday he asked me how school was and I told him I was flunking. He offered to help me pass if that was what I wanted. He came over and we sat at the kitchen table and he would help me with my homework. On the days he couldn't come over we would do it over the phone. After awhile I started calling him grandpa it started as a joke and stuck.

My grades started to come up but so did my drinking. Every night when I got done with homework I would go out and drink. Then one night coming out of the store I saw Tim's van so I waited by his van until he came out. When he saw me he got into the van and opening my door from the inside asked "you want a ride somewhere?" I got in the van "where to?" He asked without looking at me.

"Anywhere at all" I told him. He started the van and drove toward the outskirts of town. I reached into the inside pocket of my jacket and pulled out one of my little bottles and started to chug it down.

Suddenly it was yanked out of my hand and Tim threw it out of the window "what the hell are you doing?" He yelled at me.

"What does it look like I'm doing" I said as I pulled another one out. Tim pulled to a stop and jumped out of the van.

I watched him walk around to my side and he yanked open the door. "How many of those do you have in there?" he asked in a deceptively soft voice.

"I don't know six, seven maybe. I cut the bottom of the pocket so they are inside my jacket." He held out his hand expectantly. "What?" I asked. "Do you want one?"

"Give me the jacket" he ordered.

"No way forget about it" I said.

He pulled me out of the van and stripped the jacket off me. "Give that back" I screamed at him. He just turned his back and backing into me trapped me against the side of the van so I couldn't move. Took and dumped out every bottle I had.

Then he turned threw the jacket at me "get in." I swore at him and started to walk away. He came after me picked me up and bodily put me in the van through the drivers' door. He held on to my wrist until he was driving.

"You didn't have to be so rough" I told him rubbing my wrist.

"Sorry but sometimes you just drive me so crazy" he told me. "You can't be drinking it is not good for you."

I laughed a short ugly laugh "I have been drinking almost since I met you" I informed him.

"You are not blaming this on me" he said looking at me. "I can't believe you. You are throwing away so much."

"What do you care what I do you don't love me right?" I said looking out of the window not realizing he was taking me home.

"I do care about you, you know I do, but what we were doing was wrong" he tried to explain. When he parked I realized that we were behind my building. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and he groaned as he pulled me to him "please don't cry it is best this way believe me." He gave me a final kiss and pushed me toward the door.

"This has been a just a great birthday" I said sarcastically "thanks a lot." I ran for the stairs. I wasn't going to cry over him anymore.

When I started up the stairs I looked up and froze. My mom was sitting there and she didn't look happy. I prayed she hadn't seen Tim's van but that hope was dashed when she said "I thought we agreed you weren't going to see him again."

"He just gave me a ride home mom that's all" I said quickly.

"I'm not stupid I could see through the windows" she yelled.

"You don't understand" I yelled back as I fled back down the stairs and into the night. I ended up at Amanda's house that night. She didn't tell me she called my mom and told her I was safe but I found out the next day when mom came to take me home. I was grounded for a week.

It was only a couple weeks later that Amanda's daughter was going to have a birthday party. I had been out drinking all day and I was really hammered. I went home to get my present for her and mom took one look at me "you have been drinking" she said accusingly.

"Very good do you want a prize" I responded.

"You are so grounded. You're not going anywhere" she yelled at me.

I just smiled at her "I am to and you can't stop me" I said as I walked into my bedroom.

"If you leave I'm calling the cops" she threatened.

I walked into the kitchen grabbed the phone and yanked the whole thing out of the wall. "How are you going to call them now?" I snarled at her.

"There is more than one phone in this house" she said.

I went in her bedroom and yanked that cord out of the wall as well. "Now there are no phones left." I said as I returned to my room to change clothes. When I came out she had put a chain and padlock on my bike. I didn't say anything I just went to the tool box and grabbed a hammer and a pair of pliers. (I'm not really sure what I thought I could accomplish with those particular tools.) I went out to get my bike and mom came after me. She grabbed for the pliers trying to take them away from me when I raised the hammer and swung for her head. Thank God that Robb happened to be coming down the stairs because he grabbed my hand just a few inches short of her head. She stared at me in horror. I turned and ran out the door.

I ended up at Amanda's again after I had sobered up and my mom came to get me but I refused to leave. "I'm not living with you anymore" I told her calmly. She called Howard who came to get me. He brought me home in an effort to get us to talk with each other. I became defensive and angry. I punched the molding of the door so hard I broke my knuckle. I left with Howard that day and he placed me with an older couple that went to our church. They were very nice. Since I wasn't going to school during the day Howard had me out on his farm during the day. A week later he brought me back to my mothers' house where I was informed that I had a choice to make. I could go live with my father, which there was no way I was going to do, or I could go live at a Christian girls' home in Vermont for a year. I chose the girls home.

It was the day before Memorial Day when we drove up to Vermont. I'm going to be okay, I kept telling myself. It's only a year then I will be back. However, as we got farther and farther away panic began creeping in. I didn't really think that it was going to be okay, I didn't know how I was going to make it without Brad to help me, I sure didn't want to be away from my turf. And I needed my booze. "Mom" I said "if you bring me home I promise to never drink again" I bargained. "I will stay away from Tim and I will bring my grades up just don't make me do this" I begged.

"I'm sorry but there is no going back. Your already enrolled and they're expecting you. Believe it or not I'm doing this for you. It's what's best for you right now." Mom tried to console me. I didn't say anything more I knew she wasn't going to change her mind.

When we drove up the road that led to the home I looked around. The countryside was beautiful. There were picturesque farms with rolling hills dotted with cows and sheep. There were covered bridges over rivers. I made believe for a second we had gone through a time warp. When we reached the home it wasn't what I was expecting. It wasn't a big brick building with bars on the windows. It was a large two story farm house. It had a lot of land around it. It had two pastures one with four cows and another with a horse were off to one side. On the other side was a pen holding a bunch of sheep. To the left rear of the house was a barn and right behind the house was a fairly large chicken coop. When we got out of the car the director of the girls' home and the house mother met us at the door. We were ushered into a small office.

The house mother's name was Patty she was an older lady and seemed very nice. She laid the rules out in a no nonsense manner. There were a lot of rules and I wasn't too big on following rules but I kept quiet. Patty set some papers down for my mother to fill out and she ushered me out of the office. We went into the kitchen of the house and she introduced me to Debbie the kitchen manager. I took to Debbie right away she kind of looked how you might imagine a Dutch woman might look tall, smiling, soft, with red rosy cheeks. I really liked her. She sat me down and gave me a snack as Patty asked "what do you think of the place so far?"

I shrugged nonchalantly and said "it's okay. Pretty horse you have."

Patty chuckled "yes your mom did say that you liked animals" that was when her dog came into the room. He was a beautiful boxer. When he came in the kitchen he was carrying a balloon the tied end in his mouth. He looked ridiculous Patty laughed "he hears a new voice he's hoping that you will play with him" as she took the balloon and popped it up in the air. That dog practically wiggled out of his fur waiting for it to float back down then he jumped up and popped it back into the air. I couldn't help but laugh as I got drawn into a game of balloon with the dog.

My mom came out a little while later and we were shown to my room on the second floor. As I set my bags down I looked around, a set of bunk beds, two dressers and a closet that was the whole room. "Your room mate will be in soon and you two can get acquainted" Patty told me "she will be your guide for the next week. You will shadow her while she does her chores and she will be your partner for devotions." I just nodded. "Let's leave her to get settled in" Patty said as she held the door for my mom to exit. My mom went to give me a hug but I turned my back on her. When she would have said something Patty quietly led her out of the room. "You just leave her to us for now. She is angry and trying to manipulate you. Don't get sucked in. I know that it is hard but have faith that you're doing the right thing" I heard her say as they walked away. I got angry that mom was letting them tell her how to act toward me. I liked things just the way they were.

A girl a little older than myself came in "hi I'm Erika" she said. "Patty told me to help you get settled in. Do you need help putting your stuff away?"

I looked at this girl in disbelief. What did she think I was helpless? "No, I don't need any help" I practically growled at her. She was unmoved by my attitude. She just sat on the bed and chattered away about the school, the teachers, and the guys at the corresponding boy's home that we went to school with. I let her chatter just wash right over me as I sank into my own thoughts. I suddenly noticed it was quiet and looked up to see Erika looking at me. "What?" I asked when Erika just kept staring at me. "What?" I demanded starting to get annoyed "why are you looking at me like that?"

"You reminded me of my best friend back home. It just caught me by surprise. She used to bite her lip like you were when she was thinking about doing something stupid. You're not thinking about doing anything stupid are you?" She asked.

"Nope just wondering if you ever get to ride that horse" I lied. I had been wondering how hard it would be to sneak out.

I followed Erika around over the next two days learning how the home worked. There were chores to do and except for the cooking the girls were in charge of keeping the place clean and neat, keeping the animals fed and watered, and keeping the grounds picked up and the lawns mowed. Most of the chores I didn't mind. I was used to doing housework and I loved animals so doing the feeding wasn't a big deal with exception that you had to get up before the sun. However, I hated working in the garden. Soon after I arrived we had to help in the planting of this huge garden. When I explained that plants didn't like me I was put in charge of putting up the tomato cages and stakes for the rows of beans and peas. Later there was weeding and looking for potato bugs. I hated having to go in that garden. Other than that the home wasn't that bad.

Everywhere you go there is usually one person that you just don't get along with. That person for me was Mona. Almost from the moment we met she rubbed me the wrong way. If I wanted to sit in a certain chair she would try to get there first, if I mentioned that I wanted a certain book she would grab it, no matter where I went she had to be there first. She was making me angry and I, having never bothered to control my temper before, was struggling to do so now. One day I went to sit in my favorite arm chair and she raced over and sat down just as I was sitting down. We landed at the same time and I had had enough. I jumped up grabbing her arm I hauled her out of my chair and shoved her out of my way. Unfortunately the direction I pushed her in had a hassock sitting there and she tripped over it and fell hurting her wrist. She started crying like I had put a knife through her gut and about this time I was seriously considering it. When Helga, one of the resident counselors came in Mona of course blew what happened completely out of proportion. Since she had been there longer and I was the one that got physical. I was taken to the kitchen and told to write a verse out of the bible a hundred times which of course I refused to do. I sat in that kitchen all through dinner and after dinner I was sent to sit in the dining hall. I was so angry I thought it was completely unfair. Mona hadn't gotten into any trouble. As I paced the dining room I worked myself up into a rage. There was a brick chimney in one corner of the dining hall and every time I got to that corner I would punch that chimney with all the strength I had until my hand was bleeding.

At eleven o'clock when Debbie came to check on me she noticed my bloody hand. She took me to the kitchen and washed the blood off. "You are only hurting yourself you know" she said to me "do you think Mona is losing sleep because you are angry with her? You are giving her the satisfaction of making your whole night a punishment. Are you sure you want her to have that kind of control over you." She made a certain kind of sense as I thought back to all the little smiles Mona gave me behind everyone's back. I didn't say anything but when she brought me back to the dining room I sat down and began to write. Debbie slipped me a sandwich a few minutes later. As I wrote I thought about how much Mona irritated me and how much enjoyment she got every time she got to me. At midnight Patty came down and sent me to bed letting me know that I would be woken up at five the next morning to finish. Even though my hand was swollen I did finish the next morning. When I went to get breakfast I told Erika in a semi loud voice that I was going to have the raisin bread when I really wanted the banana bread. It couldn't believe how easily it worked. Mona took the raisin bread and I acted disgusted when I grabbed the last piece of banana bread. When I looked up and saw Debbie looking at me I winked. Debbie just smiled back.

As time went on and I continued to ignore Mona she eventually stopped trying to irritate me. Things were going along I was doing really well with their school work and my grades were pretty decent. I had a new roommate now because Erika had gotten to move downstairs where the trusted girls got to sleep. Lizzy was my new roommate. She was originally from Australia she had the coolest accent. We became friends quickly. One day I wrote a letter to Brad and in his letter I included a letter to Tim telling him how much I missed him and how much I still loved him. It was intercepted by Patty. She came into my room "I want you to know that you're writing privileges have been revoked."

"Why?" I asked.

"You were told not to write to Tim and you attempted to send him a letter anyway. So from now on you may only write to your mom" She stated calmly.

"You opened my mail" I yelled at her. "That's a federal offense you know. You had no right to do that." I hated her I hated everyone who was keeping me there. "I hate this place you can't make me stay here you know."

"There are motion detectors in the hallway and alarms on the doors if you do somehow manage to run away. You should know that in the state of Vermont they do not return you to your mother. They send you into foster care and believe me that is a lot worse than here" she calmly informed me. I hated her calmness. I wanted to get her just as upset as I was.

That night I tried to cut my wrist on a nail sticking out of the wall. When Patty saw what I had done she was not impressed. "If you had really wanted to kill yourself" she said "it would be far deeper." I had nothing to say to that. I was depressed and angry. I wanted to lash out at something. I got my chance the next day at school.

One of the guys made a joke that I didn't appreciate so I turned and shoved him backward over his chair. I was pulled into the head office where the director of both the homes sat me down. "We can't have this kind of behavior going on. You need to learn to keep your hands to yourself. This is the second time you pushed someone where it could have led to a serious injury. I'm going to have to call Patty to come get you."

But it wasn't Patty that showed up it was Debbie. More than anyone I hated disappointing her. She didn't say anything when I climbed into the van. While she was driving me I was sitting quietly looking down at my hands clasped together. She covered them with her hand and softly asked "what are you getting out of being violent? Does it make anything better? Or are now things even worse than before?" I started crying for the first time since I had gotten there. She pulled over and hugged me and just let me cry. When I stopped crying she didn't say anything.

"I can't always control my temper. Sometimes I scare myself with how out of control I feel" I confessed.

"What do you think we should do about that?" Debbie asked.

"I don't know. I have tried to change. I just can't."

"We'll see about that" Debbie reassured me "I know that we can help you if you let us." When we got home I knew I was going to get a consequence so I was surprised when Debbie gave me a snack instead. While I ate she went to talk to Patty. When they came down Patty didn't give me a lecture she just said "go and mow the back lawn" and walked away. I couldn't believe it everyone knew I liked mowing the lawn. I looked at Debbie and she gave me a small smile and a push out the door. I spent the next three hours mowing the lawn. I was still at it when the others got back from school.

Lizzy ran out to where I was mowing "how come you get to mow? I thought for sure this time you would be doing lines until your hand fell off" she asked out of breath.

I shrugged "you better get inside before they miss you or you're going to end up having to help me" I told her. She turned and ran back. I smiled as I watched her go Lizzy hated yard work. After that one of the counselors would take me aside a couple times a week and work on different methods to help control my temper.

Patty stood up after breakfast one weekend "the boy's home will be joining us today. Today we are going to butcher and prepare all the chickens in the coop" she informed us. There were varied reactions to this news. Some of the girls liked the chickens and some were of the opinion that the just the thought of butchering an animal was gross. The jobs were divided up. The jobs included grabbing the chickens from the coop and bringing them to Don, the head master of the boys' home, to chop off their heads, bringing the headless chickens over to Helga who would dunk them in boiling water to loosen the feathers, then into the hanging room where others were waiting to hang them up and pluck the feathers off. After that, into the next room for gutting, do I need to explain what gutting is, then finally into the house to burn the pin feathers and then package them for the freezer.

Lizzy and I were chosen as runners running the chickens to each station. The first time Don chopped the head off a chicken we were all just standing there watching. After the head came off the chicken began to jump and flop around which Lizzy and I found hilarious. We were leaning on each other laughing hard. One of the guys from the boys home started shouting "it's inhumane it's inhumane" which just made us laugh all the harder. As soon as the chicken stopped moving everyone went to their stations. I got a chance to try my hand at everything except cutting off their heads and going in the house. I didn't try chopping off their heads because they wouldn't let me anywhere near the ax. And I didn't want to go inside and miss all the excitement

When it was time to harvest the garden the guys came to help again this time it was made into a whole fun day. We dug up plants in the morning and with all the help everything was picked, dug up or stripped from the husk by lunchtime. Debbie had a made a huge picnic for everyone so we ate outside and played games like bad mitten and volley ball. Alec and Joe the directors came and joined us for awhile. It was a wonderful day.

A week later Erika and I got into an argument over something small yet we turned it into a big deal and this time I wasn't the one to get physical first. Of course once she pushed me I was all in. When she pushed me I pushed her back. Then she swung at me and the fight was on. We went down in a tangle of wildly thrown punches. Helga and one of the other counselors pulled us apart. Erika was sporting a bloody nose and I was pretty sure I was going to get a black eye. We were separated and cleaned up. Debbie didn't say anything as she handed me an icepack. "I didn't start it" I defended myself.

"You sure didn't back off though did you?" She asked me in a quiet voice.

"What did you want me to do let her push me around without defending myself" I demanded to know.

"Yes, that is exactly what I expected of you. You have been doing so well. I expect you to walk away if someone pushes you. I'm very disappointed in your decision." She was actually angry with me. I couldn't believe it. I didn't expect sympathy but she had never gotten angry before either.

"Why are you mad at me? I'm the one that got jumped on" I said.

"You are more than able to handle someone shoving you or even taking a swing at you without resorting to the same behavior. Or are we wasting our time trying to help you learn to control that temper of yours?" I was suddenly ashamed of myself. They had spent a lot of time trying to teach me how to control my temper and I hadn't even given it a second thought.

"I'm sorry, Debbie it was stupid. I should have walked away. Next time I will do better I promise." Debbie gave me a hug "I know darlin, I know" she said with a sigh.

Patty however was not so forgiving. Erika and I were sent to clean out the chicken coop including the floor which I think had never been scraped before. The chicken poop had to be two feet thick and hard as a rock. We also had to scrub down the roosts, food and water trays then disinfect the whole thing it took us three days from sun up until bed time not including meals which we had to take outside.

Slowly I was changing. I was reading my bible more. I was exposed to more information about Jesus and what He had done for me. They taught about his love and forgiveness how all you had to do was ask and it was given to you. I already knew that God loved me I was okay with Jesus loving me to. I even thought it was pretty cool that I could ask for forgiveness for the things I did wrong. I began to copy the people around me. I prayed before I ate, before I went to bed, I asked forgiveness for my sins and even took part in the Lord's Supper. I talked to my mom once a week on the phone and I told her I was saved. I memorized verses and wrote essays on different people of the bible. I buried my temper and told myself that it was gone. I was changed. I was born again. I was better than all those people who were going to go to hell because they weren't as smart as I was.

My mom and Susan came for a visit one weekend. I very proudly showed them around, introduced them to Lizzy, showed them the animals, then we sat out in the grass and Susan who had brought her guitar played and we all had a good time. They brought me to Burger King for supper "we need to pray before we eat" I insisted after we sat down. When we were done eating I went back to their hotel room with them.

While we were there mom said "I need to talk to you about Carrie." I didn't really want to hear that. The last time she said that it wasn't good news. "Carrie's not doing very well" mom said "her mind is slipping away. She has a hard time remembering where she is and sometimes she can't remember the people closest to her or even her own name. Her daughter put her in a nursing home so she could get the full time attention that she needs."

"Wait a minute they put her in a nursing home" I said in disbelief "she always said that she would rather be dead than go in a nursing home. How could you let them do that?" I cried. "I have to talk to her mom I just have to. Do you know where she is?" I asked frantically.

"It's not a good idea hon, she isn't going to know who you are and she gets agitated so easily lately. You don't want to upset her do you?" Mom asked.

"Please mom you don't understand I have to talk to her she will know me I know she will." I had the childish belief that she would know who I was after all we had a bond didn't we. Against her better judgment my mom made the call to the nursing home and handed me the phone. When Carrie came on she sounded so weak and like mom predicted she didn't remember me. I gently tried to coax her to remember things we had done together but she was getting really upset. Finally I couldn't take anymore I had to get off the phone. I handed the phone to mom and walked into the bathroom where I laid my head against the wall and cried. Susan came in and tried to comfort me but I shrugged her off. I couldn't believe that I had gone on with my life and just forgot about her. She wouldn't be in that nursing home if I had kept in touch with her. I told myself.

I told my mom to take me back to the home. I wanted to go back. They dropped me off an hour later. I gave them both a rather stiff hug. "Bye love you" I said mechanically as I walked inside. I went straight up to my room and climbed up and lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. Lizzy came in and began telling me all about her visit. I ignored her I didn't care about her visit.

A short time later Patty came in and asked me to come into her room so we could talk. I didn't want to talk but I slid down and followed her. I sat down on the floor Boomer came over laid down and put his head on my knee. I petted his head and played with his ears. Patty said "not such a great visit huh?" I just shrugged "your mom told me about your friend. I'm sorry" I just shook my head and stared at the dogs head as tears slid down my face. "Sometimes it helps to talk about what hurts. Buried pain sometimes comes back as anger. I don't think you need any more of that do you?"

"I'm not going to get angry. I'm fine, please just leave it alone" I said in a carefully controlled voice "I don't want to talk about it."

"You can go back to your room if you want to but remember I'm here if you want to talk." She gave me a hug as I got up to leave which I tolerated.

I was dealing with my guilt over Carrie, which meant that I was burying it deep inside. I was almost back to my old self when I got a phone call from my mom. "Hey mom what's up? You usually don't call until the weekend." I said

"I need to talk to you about Carrie" she said in a strained voice.

"No, I'm not going to talk to you about Carrie." I yelled into the phone before slamming it into the cradle and taking off for my room. I was not surprised when Patty appeared at my door a moment later but I was surprised to see Debbie and Helga right behind her. Now I was scared, I didn't want to hear what they were going to say. "Leave me alone" I yelled as I tried to get out of the room. Debbie grabbed me in a hug and held on as Patty quietly told me that Carrie had died that morning. "I hate this place" I cried "I might have seen her again if I hadn't been stuck here, I hate it" as I dissolved into tears. Debbie held me tight while I struggled against her. Patty and Helga both tried to comfort me but there was no way. I wasn't listening anymore. I was thinking. I wiped my face as I pulled away from Debbie. "I'm fine now" I said coldly "I would like to be alone."

"Are you sure that you don't want to talk about this?" Debbie gently asked. I almost wavered in the face of her concern but I shook my head and when they left the room I began to make plans.

Christmas break was coming up soon. All it would take was a couple hours away in the middle of the night to break the rules and my admittance would be up for review. I would have to agree once again to come back here and that wasn't going to happen. I just had to be good between now and Christmas time and I would be if it killed me. No matter what happened over the next month I kept my cool. Every time someone got on my nerves and I wanted to fight I just thought about being allowed to go home. I couldn't mess up that chance. One night on my way to bed Debbie stopped me "I'm so proud of the progress you're making in controlling your temper." I gave her a smile and went up. I felt badly that I was tricking them all. I consoled myself with the thought that I was indeed learning how to ignore or walk away from people that made me angry.

Finally the day came that I had been waiting for. My mom was there to pick me up. I packed what I wanted most knowing that I wouldn't be coming back. "That's a lot of stuff" my mom said as I put it in the car.

"I know I just didn't know what I wanted to show Brad" I explained quickly before Patty could hear "I can't wait to see him." I smiled as Patty came around the front of the car.

"Ready to go" she asked as she gave me a hug.

"Yep, all set." Debbie came out of the house to wave goodbye I didn't dare run over and give her another hug. I was afraid Patty would figure out I was up to something. I would miss Debbie. For years to come I would remember her words when I was about to lose my temper and it would help me to hang on.

Brad was waiting for me when I got home after a big hug I pulled him into my bedroom. Quickly whispering I filled him in on my plan. I was going to wait until midnight then I would go up through Brad's window and sneak out of his apartment. His mom was almost never home. He would give me twenty minutes to get away. Then he was going to drop something heavy on the floor above my room loud enough to wake up my mom and hopefully she would check on me. When she found me gone she would have to notify the home and I would be free. We discussed the best place for me to go so that I wouldn't have to sit in the snow or be visible if she called the cops. We decided that the gazebo in the park would be the ideal spot. I would have to climb up the side but I had done it before. Granted not in the winter but I wasn't going to let that stop me. We figured it would be best to wait a day or two. Let mom settle in and get used to me being in the house again.

The night finally came that I was going to put my plan into action. I said goodnight to my mom and closed the door to my room. I put on two pairs of jeans and two sweatshirts. I had given Brad my jacket earlier in the day to hide in his room. At midnight I climbed out on the roof that ran under my window and up through Brad's window. I grabbed my jacket and took off. I ran down the back stairs and into the parking lot and headed for the park keeping to the shadows as much as possible. When I got to the park I walked around the gazebo to the door in the side of the wall grabbed a hold of the padlock put my foot on the door jam and pulled myself up high enough to grab the wooden floor. I pulled myself up grabbed the bars that ran around the enclosure and vaulted over them. I lay on my back and watched the stars. After about ten minutes I started to shiver. Great, I was going to freeze to death at this rate. I got up and walked around trying to keep warm. I was going to stay out all night but after two hours I had enough I figured that it didn't matter how long I was gone just that I broke the rules. So I went back home to see if she had missed me yet. When I got within sight of the apartment building I saw all of the lights were on so I knew that she noticed I was gone.

When I got inside I listened to my mom yell at me for like an hour then I told her "Mom I'm sorry I worried you I won't do it again. Did you call the home?"

When she said "I had to, you know the rules" I had to suppress a smile. Patty was very worried about you. She sensed something wasn't right when we left but she didn't know what."

I couldn't quite stop the smile that came across my face. "You know that according to the rules we have to go through the admission process again. I have to agree to go back." As understanding dawned in her eyes I told her "that is not gonna happen. I'm not going back." She tried to change my mind over the next week but, I was having none of it. I ignored the threats, tears and pleadings. I wasn't going back and somehow I knew she wasn't going to send me to live with my dad.

What I didn't realize was that I was going to have to face Patty myself. Mom came into my room "let's go" she said on the day she was going to go pick up the rest of my stuff.

"Go where? I'm not going anywhere." I said.

"Oh yes you are, you are going to tell Patty yourself that you're not coming back."

"Why? Why do I have to go?" I asked in dismay.

"Patty wants to hear it straight from you that you don't want to come back" Mom explained. I thought about what I was going to say as I got up and walked down to the car. I thought about it as we drove toward Vermont once again. Then my resolve stiffened. It didn't matter if I had to tell her myself. I wasn't going to change my mind.

When we got there Patty was waiting "Please wait in the car. She can bring her own stuff out if she is not staying" she told my mom as she ushered me into the house. We sat in her room for the last time and I didn't want to look at her, didn't want to see the disappointment in her eyes. "How long were you planning this" she asked me sadly. My eyes flew to hers. "Please don't lie to me" she said seeing the denial coming.

I took a breath "since Carrie died." I said defiantly as I looked her in the eye.

She nodded "I thought so. I knew that you hadn't come around that fast. I had a feeling when you left that something wasn't right. Debbie is going to be very disappointed." I knew that was an effort to change my mind. I also knew it was the only effort she was going to make.

"I know I'm sorry but I can't be here. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be at home. It is where I belong." I told her "Please tell Debbie that I said goodbye."

"I will and I hope you remember that God loves you wherever you are whatever you do."

"I know" I went into my room threw the rest of my stuff into a bag and walked out the door.

CHAPTER 9

When I had settled back in at home my mom started making noise about my going back to school. That's when I found out that Patty had told her it would be best if I didn't return to the public school system. Mom contacted a Christian school that was about a half hour away. At the home they had put me into the eighth grade but the Christian school didn't recognize their curriculum so they put me back in the seventh grade. I didn't really care because seven through twelve was all in the same classroom. I knew one girl there already as she went to my church. I didn't really like her but since her dad drove us to school most of the time and he was cool I tolerated her.

I was in the new school for a few days when I met Alexis. I was swinging by myself on the playground after school one day waiting for my ride when she came up and just started talking to me. I ignored her for awhile but she just kept talking. Eventually she said "what do you think about Chad? Don't you think he's hot?"

"No, you want someone cute go out with his brother Bill" I told her. After some convincing she started planning on how to get Bill to notice her. The next day I walked up to Bill and point blank asked "do you like Alexis?"

He looked over to where Alexis was talking and said "sure why?"

"She wants to go out with you. Do you want to go out with her?" That's when Alexis noticed me talking to him and both of us looking at her. She looked at me through narrowed suspicious eyes as she beckoned me over. "Got to tell me now if you want to go out with her" I said smiling at Alexis.

He looked at me "yeah I guess so. Tell her yes." I walked over to Alexis "what were you talking to Bill about?" She asked. "I asked him if he wanted to go out with you and he said yes so now you have a boyfriend" I told her.

"You did what? I'm going to kill you" she exclaimed as her face turned red.

"What's the big deal you wanted to go out with him so I asked him for you?" I told her watching her blush with amusement. Bill and Alexis went out for a grand total of two weeks.

I was very envious of Alexis for a couple of reasons one was that she was very top heavy if you get my meaning. I on the other hand could have worn a band-aid as a bra. I was always telling her that she was lucky but she looked on them as a burden. All the boys wanted to date Alexis all of them except Chad who she still was very much in love with. I couldn't see it. There were many guys willing to go out with her all better looking than him but, she saw none of them. Alexis was my only friend by choice. I was friendly to everyone and lots of kids I would joke around with but my allegiance was only to Alexis.

Our teacher was the headmaster and he was very laid back. He told us to call him Seth and he made school at least more interesting than most other teachers I have had. He had a way about him that would put anyone at ease. Apparently, he had been filled in about my past because on the first day he pulled me aside. "I'm not going to make a speech. I'm just going to tell you that fighting here will not be tolerated if you have a problem come see me. Give us a chance and we will give you a chance. Wait and see we really aren't so bad." That was the only time he ever alluded to my history and I never got into any real trouble at his school either.

Alexis wasn't allowed to go over to my house at first so on weekends I was just hanging around when I ran into Katie's mom, Betty in the store one day and she asked "do you want to work on weekends again. I need someone to breed the rodents and keep up with the records."

"Sure but what about Katie?" I asked.

"She doesn't like record keeping." she assured me.

"When do you want me to start?"

"Well if I drive you home you could tell your mom and start today. Does that sound like a plan?"

"Yeah, okay let's go." When I got home I ran in long enough to tell mom where I was going then I was back in the car. As we drove to the store I was wondering if Katie was really going to be cool with this.

As soon as I walked in Katie was overjoyed to see me and when her mom said "you don't have to do the breeding anymore she's going to do it." Katie was absolutely fine with it. She told me later "I hate breeding there is too much involved and I always forget to do something and everything gets screwed up." It turned out that I was pretty good at keeping everything straight.

While I was working I had to go down to the basement to get another tank. When I got down there I saw a man fixing some shelving. Of course, I had to get a closer look so I walked over. I stood watching for a minute "what ya doing?" I asked.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" He replied impatiently.

"Making a mess?" I teased.

He turned and looked at me as I gave him my most beguiling smile. He was suitably unimpressed. "Beat it kid, I have work to do" I was fuming, how could he dismiss me like that? I decided that he was going to be a challenge and I loved a challenge.

I went back upstairs and headed right for Katie "who is that guy downstairs?" I asked.

"Oh that's just Roger he does small jobs for my mom" she answered without a second thought. I took every opportunity I could to work near where he was. I would accidentally rub against him as I passed. I caught a glance I recognized once and knew I was getting to him so I redoubled my efforts.

I went over to Katie's two weeks later. I told my mom I was going to spend the night. Katie had told me that Roger was coming over and I wanted to see how far I could push him. Roger was already working when I got there. He was putting bracing in the ceiling of the basement. I knew this was my chance. I changed into what I was going to wear to bed and went downstairs. "Can I help?" I asked "I could hold these boards up here for you as you nail them."

He didn't even turn around "sure just grab the end that's on the floor and push it up so it's even with the beam it's next to." I was wearing my favorite crop top and shorts. So when I held the boards over my head my shirt crept more than halfway up my chest. I was holding the board in place when Roger turned around. "Cripe's" he hissed as he sucked in his breath. "What are you trying to do to me? Don't you know that you are playing a dangerous game little girl? You are jail bait. If I touch you I could go straight to jail" he said almost to himself as he ran a finger along my ribcage.

"Not if I don't tell you won't and I'm very good at keeping secrets" I tempted him.

"Oh really how many secrets have you kept" still running his finger up and down my ribs. I squirmed because it tickled. "Oh no, you don't get to move. You move and you have to go upstairs and leave me in peace." I stood very still as he ran his finger back up my ribcage very slowly until it was right at the hem of my shirt with a small pause he pushed his finger and with it my shirt up to my neck line. As he gazed at me my body reacted to the chill in the air. He bent down and using his mouth gave me a feeling I felt all the way to my center. I had only felt that feeling once before in another basement long ago. That gave me pause for a minute but he had already moved away dropping my shirt down. He grabbed his hammer and with a few strokes had that board nailed into place. As I lowered my arms he came to me tilted up my face and kissed me roughly. He ground his pelvis into mine and asked "see what you have done to me little witch? What are you going to do about it?" I think I shocked him when I dropped to my knees and made a grab for his belt buckle. "Hold on there" he said as he backed away "what are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? Didn't you just ask me what I was going to do about your problem? I asked eying his zipper. "It looks like you need some relief."

"Not here, are you going to stay here all night? Or can you get out of here?" He asked excitedly.

"I can say I'm not feeling well then you can offer to take me home." I suggested. He nodded his agreement of my plan.

So I went upstairs and a short time later I told Katie in front of her mom "Man I not feeling so well. I think I'm going to lie on the couch and see if I feel better." Roger came upstairs thirty minutes later he was in the front room talking to Betty when I went in "I don't feel good. I think I'm going to go home" I announced. Betty looked at me "you can't go home in the snow by yourself."

Roger piped up "I'm heading out I guess I can give her a ride home if you want."

"That would be really nice of you" Betty said. She turned to me "make sure you thank him for the ride." I almost laughed out loud at the look on Roger's face. I knew just what he was thinking. I sure was going to thank him.

I walked outside and got into Roger's van. I couldn't help but compare it to Tim's van. It smelled the same like fresh cut wood, it had the same kind of tools in the back the only difference was Roger's had a back seat and Tim's didn't. We drove for a while then he turned down a dirt road. The ice had built up on the road so that there were just ice ruts left. I remember thinking as we slid around a corner a little too fast that I hoped we wouldn't end up in the lake we were going by. The road went through what looked like the middle of the water and for just a moment I was nervous. Then we were through and he was backing into a smaller trail off to the side. When he shut off the lights we sat for a minute. Then he moved to the back seat "come on back here" he said his excitement plain.

I maneuvered my way into the back. As soon as I sat down I felt his hands on me helping me take off my clothes. As he laid me back I felt a fissure of fear run down my spine as I remembered the pain when Todd had tried this. I didn't have a chance to reconsider when he slammed inside me with all his strength. I could barely keep from crying out as he slammed into me again and again. As the tears silently slid down my cheeks I held on. Soon the pain started to fade and a new feeling began to take its place a wonderful feeling that seemed just out of reach. Then it was over. Roger sat up "baby you sure were good. You weren't a virgin were you? I didn't hurt you did I?"

"No I wasn't and no you didn't hurt me." I lied I was never going to tell him the truth. I remembered how Tim was about my being a virgin and I wanted to be with Roger.

We met often after that. He would pick me up and we would go to that same spot and have sex. When we were done he would drop me off and go on home. It wasn't long after that I found out he had a girlfriend. I was hurt and angry when I confronted him. "You have a girlfriend" I shouted at him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Relax she isn't my girlfriend anymore. I'm just staying with her because she is disabled. She needs my help. We are just roommates I swear." He told me with what I thought was an innocent smile. "I love you babe no one else" he promised. I decided to trust him and listen to my heart.

Then I met Lisa she was a small woman whose hands were twisted and disfigured. The first time I saw them together I knew he had lied. She was definitely his girlfriend. I couldn't say anything to him in front of her so I waited. Getting angrier the more I thought about it. When we were finally alone I said angrily "you are such a liar. She most certainly is your girlfriend. You can tell just by watching the two of you together. Don't even think about denying it. How could you lie to me like that?"

"I'm so sorry baby I didn't want to lose you. I'm trapped in this relationship and you're the best thing that has ever happened to me. Please understand it's you I love. When I'm with her all I can think about is you." He begged me to understand and I gave in to him.

"It's okay I believe you." So once again I set out to befriend a woman that belonged to the man I wanted just so that I could spend more time with him.

When my mom met Roger and Lisa she liked them. They came over to our house quite a bit. Often Roger would drop me off somewhere just so he could go pick up Lisa and come over to my house. He attended school functions with us and as mom drove he would drop his hand back behind the seat and I would hold it all the way there. I had told Alexis about Roger and Brad of course knew. They both thought I was crazy but never told anyone my secrets. Brad would often cover for me whenever mom asked where I was.

One day my mom drove to the grocery store and Brad and I had gone along. While she went into the grocery we went into the department store next door. Brad and I were looking in the music section and decided that we needed some cassette tapes so we stole a couple and got caught on the way out of the store. I managed to cover Brad so he could ditch his and when they discovered that he wasn't carrying anything they let him go. He went straight to my mom to tell her that I wasn't riding home with them as I had asked him to do. I underestimated her anger because she made Brad bring her back to where they were holding me. I was being stubborn and I wasn't going to tell the security guard my name. When mom showed up and was talking to the guard I was making fun of them for Brad's benefit. "If she apologizes and promises never to come in this store again you can take her home" the guard told mom.

"Apologize right now" my mother demanded.

"As if, there is no way I'm going to apologize to that guy" I postured after all I had my rep to think about.

About that time the police had shown up "fine if you don't want to apologize you can sit in jail then." She turned and left the room. I couldn't believe that she walked out and left me like that.

I looked at the cop and he smiled "I have been waiting over a year to arrest you. I know it was you that broke my windshield. He put the handcuffs on and he put me in the patrol car. It didn't get any better at the station where I was printed and photographed. Worse of all I was handcuffed to a metal stool and left to sit there until my mom picked me up an hour later.

I went to court and was given a year's probation. My probation officer was a no nonsense guy who put me on a curfew and restricted where I was allowed to go. I was no longer allowed to leave town unless I was with my mother. That was a problem since everywhere Roger and I went was out of town. So as usual I ignored the order and did what I wanted anyway.

One day Roger and I went parking three towns away when his car battery died. We were walking to the nearest house when a car pulled up next to us. Roger started talking to the guy inside. I wasn't paying much attention until Roger got in the car "come on" Roger said. When I got to the car I was amazed to see that Ray was driving. Roger pulled me inside onto his lap and shut the door. He directed Ray to where the car was and we all got back out. Ray opened the trunk of his car and realized he didn't have his jumper cables.

"Roger take my car back to my house and grab the cables off the porch." Roger walked to the car and opened the door for me to get in. Ray walked up "she stays with me" he said as he shut the door. "How would you explain her to my wife" he pointed out. Roger shrugged and drove away.

"Now how did you come to be with my brother" Ray asked me as I moved away from him. "I couldn't believe my eyes when I drove up and saw you" he said following me. As I continued to back away he stopped "relax honey I'm not going to hurt you. I didn't hurt you last time did I? I just want to talk to you, that's all." I wasn't sure I believed him but when he didn't make another move toward me I started to relax. We talked about nothing special until Roger drove up. He seemed relieved to see me standing so far away from his brother. But then considering what happened the last time I ran into his brother so was I.

Unfortunately, my grades were taking a hit and mom threatened to ground me if I didn't bring them up. She mentioned it again one night while Roger was there and being that he didn't want me to be grounded anymore than I did he came up with a solution. "I have an idea if you're interested" he said "my sister in law is a substitute teacher and I bet that she wouldn't mind tutoring her."

"That is a great idea could you set it up?" Mom asked.

"Sure" Roger said "give me the phone" he called his sister in law and it was set up for the next day. I knew what that meant being within touching distance of Ray again. I wasn't sure that was a good idea but I would do anything to be able to see Roger.

The next day I walked over to Ray and Maggie's house. When I got there Maggie was the only one there. I introduced myself and we got to work. As I showed her the work we were doing she said "I have to ask you what are you doing with Roger?"

"He's a friend of the family" I explained.

She looked at me "I'm not that stupid and neither is my husband. We know something is going on between you and he wants me to tell you that Roger is bad news. He is nothing but trouble."

I thought that was ironic coming from him but all I said was "we're only friends, honest." She let it go and we got to work before I knew it we were done with my homework and she was showing me some study techniques when Ray got home.

I covertly watched him as he grabbed a cup of coffee and stripped off his shirt. He looked up and caught me watching. A smile lit up his eyes "how did today go?" He asked going to Maggie's side. "Pretty good" she said "we got everything done except studying for a history test." We continued to go over material while Ray sat and watched.

"You're doing it wrong" he suddenly said. "She has a sense of humor, use it" then he started to make up funny phrases to help me remember. A lot of them had a sexual undertone. But, it worked, the next day I got an A on my test and it was Ray's outrageous phrases that I remembered.

When he graded my paper Seth was so shocked that he called me up to his desk "did you cheat on this test?" He asked.

"No I had some help studying last night" I told him.

"Well whatever you are doing keep it up if it continues your grades will come up enough to pass."

I suddenly had an inspired idea "is there any extra work I can do to bring up my grades faster?" I asked.

He gave me a handful of worksheets for each class then reminded me "the quarter closes in two weeks. Do you think you can get those done by then?"

"I sure am going to try" I promised. I knew this meant less time with Roger but if I didn't get my grades up there would be no time with Roger.

I was spending every day after school over at Maggie's house. I got to know her children. She had one boy Phil and three girls Priscilla, Pat and Penny. I was around so much they started treating me like an older sister. I not only grew too really like Maggie I loved her. She became one of my best friends. They both treated me like an adult. I was allowed to smoke and swear just like them. The more time I spent there the more I wanted to be there with them. Ray hadn't tried to come near me in any way but, he watched me constantly. I got used to looking up and catching his eye. He would always give me a slow smile and wink. I gradually warmed up to him and even liked him.

I didn't realize it until the makeup work was all done and I no longer needed a tutor that I didn't want to stop going over and hanging out. I asked Maggie "can I still come over after school and hang out with you guys?"

"Of course you can we love having you here" She assured me. I was very happy Roger however was not.

"Why do you still have to go over there? You don't need them anymore." He asked one day while we were driving. "I want more time with you too you know" he wasn't happy with my answer.

"You have a girlfriend remember. I'm not going to just sit around and wait for you to have time for me. I like Maggie and Ray. I want to hang out with them so I'm going to."

"You said you loved me and now all the sudden I'm not as important as my brother" he spat at me angrily. "It's Maggie I go hang out with not Ray and no one is more important than you. I see you three or four times a week. That was your decision. You want to see me more step up. Name the time and place." I countered.

"Forget it I don't want to talk about this right now" he said as he pulled into the woods. "All I want is to be with you" he got out of the car and opened my door. He grabbed a blanket out of the back and we walked further into the woods.

It was already getting dark out so I told him "we have to hurry I'm supposed to be at their house before eight."

"Great now he's cutting into my time with you" he commented. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to fight. While we were making love he whispered in my ear "I bet Ray can't make you feel like this"

I pushed him off of me and started to get dressed. "You are unbelievable" I was furious "I'm not now nor have I ever had sex with your brother" I shouted at him "take me back right now."

"Babe that's not what I meant" he pleaded kneeling on the blanket unconcerned with being naked.

"I don't care what you meant. I can't believe that you would be thinking that while we were making love" I was disgusted with his jealousy "And for your information I can have sex with whomever I like. You have a girlfriend remember and it isn't me."

Before the last word left my mouth he was on his feet and grabbing my wrist. He twisted my arm behind me which brought me up against his chest "you will not have sex with anyone else. You are mine and don't you ever forget it." He threw me back down on the blanket and stripped me out of my jeans and as I struggled against him. He came down on top of me he wrapped his hand around my throat and began to finish what we had started. He was never gentle with me but this time he was out of control. I was trying to get away from him which made him tighten his fingers until I couldn't breathe. I stopped fighting him and just lay still trying not to cry. When he was done he rolled off me and started to get dressed. Every muscle in my body screamed as I reached for my clothes. He had ripped my underwear so I slid into my jeans. "Don't ever threaten to take another lover again" was all he said as he picked up the blanket tossing my ripped underwear into the bushes. He reached for my hand and when I would have pulled away he gave it a warning squeeze. He dropped me off down the street from their house. Trying not to cause anything to hurt anymore than it was already I was walking slower than usual so it took me longer to get there. When I got to the house I gritted my teeth and made myself walk normally.

As soon as I got there I rushed straight into the bathroom to clean up. Luckily both Maggie and Ray were in the kitchen so I got into the bathroom unseen. When I looked in the mirror I was dismayed to see red finger marks around my neck. How was I going to explain this? I racked my brain but I just couldn't figure out how I was going to explain to Maggie and Ray where these marks came from. I wasn't wearing anything I could use to cover it up either. Then a new thought hit me how was I going to explain them to my mother. At least Maggie and Ray were cool. Mom was not. She would totally freak out. I had to get Maggie to let me spend the weekend. Thank God it was Friday.

"Hey are you dying in there" Priscilla yelled "I have to go to the bathroom." I walked out of the bathroom with my head down trying to get past Ray before he looked up. I should have known better. "What the hell?" Ray exclaimed. As his hand shot out and grabbed my wrist I hissed in pain. I looked down and sure enough there were bruises around my wrist also. "What the hell happened to you?" Asked Ray as he came to his feet "Maggie get in here" he bellowed as he gently tilted my chin up to look at my neck "that son of a" he muttered to himself as Maggie walked in the room.

"It's not so bad" I tried to say.

"Shut up not one excuse out of you. I'm going to kill him." he threatened.

"You can't, he can't even know that you know" I turned to Maggie with pleading eyes. "Don't let him say anything please. You don't understand. I pushed him too far. It's not his fault."

"The hell it isn't" Ray began.

"Of course we will respect your wishes" Maggie interrupted him. Ray started to say something else and she dragged him into their bedroom and slammed the door. I could hear their furious whispers behind the door but I could not hear what they were saying however, when they came out Ray went to the sink and got a cold washcloth as Maggie got some ice. "You better call your mom and ask if you can spend the night." she said as she handed me the ice pack. "She can't see your neck like this." "Thanks Maggie you're a true friend" I said gratefully.

"No, a true friend would go rip his nuts off. A true friend would call the cops and have him arrested." She replied angrily "I was in your shoes once with my first husband. So I know that you have to be the one to make this decision. I sure hope you do before it is too late."

I spent the weekend at Maggie's house but the next day I was supposed to see Roger. "I'm going to go for a walk" I told Maggie "I need to think. I will be back in a couple of hours." She looked at me skeptically but didn't say anything. I knew she knew where I was going. "I have to talk to him." I said "Please understand I have to."

"I understand better than you think" was all she said as I walked out the door. When I got to where we were to meet he was already there. When I got into the car he turned to say something and the words died on his lips "Oh God what have I done?" He gasped "baby I'm so sorry" he traced one of the bruises with his knuckle. "You have to know I didn't mean to hurt you" he said as he put the car in gear and eased into the street. "The thought of you with another man makes me crazy. The thought of you with my brother is a thousand times worse."

"I told you that we were just friends. It is not my fault if you don't believe me." I told him finally getting angry. I couldn't believe that he was trying to justify what happened. "Don't bother driving anywhere just circle the block. I'm not going anywhere with you until these bruises are gone. If you ever do this again I'll not only, never see you again I'll call the police." I looked at him "I love you and I want to be with you. I'm not seeing anyone else." I pleaded for him to believe me. "I only said that because I was trying to make a point. Since you are living with your girlfriend and seeing me on the side you can't expect me not to do the same. I will however tell you first if that ever happens."

"I don't ever want to lose you" Roger said as he pulled back into the spot he had just left.

"Then never do this again" I said as I got out of the car. "I'll call you when I want to see you again"

I went to the school down the street from Maggie's house and sat on the swings, I needed time to think. When I thought back to last night I couldn't help a small smile. Ray's reaction was comforting. I wasn't sure why, after all wasn't I afraid to be alone with him. I gave it some serious thought and realized he didn't make me nervous anymore in fact he hadn't in a while. I really like him, I thought, he is a man after all and in my experience all men want something. Why should he be any different? He obviously isn't pursuing me anymore. He hasn't tried to touch me this whole time. So he watches me so what that's not a big deal. I'm used to it now. More important he wants to protect me. He would have gone after his own brother just because he hurt me. I like that. Perhaps I need to stop keeping him at arm's length and be nicer to him.

I was walking toward the house when I saw Ray drive up and go inside. As I was climbing the stairs toward their door I could hear Ray's voice "what do you mean you just let her go? You know that she is going to see him. Why didn't you stop her?"

"Because she trusted me to do the right thing" I said as I opened the door and walked in "I had to talk to him. He needed to see what he had done."

"And what did my brother have to say for himself?" He asked sarcastically "wait, let me guess. Oh honey I'm so sorry. I'll never do it again please forgive me." He said trying to imitate Roger's voice.

I couldn't help it I laughed "something like that yeah" I said chuckling.

"Are you going to believe that garbage? Because this isn't the first time he's gotten violent you know" he warned me.

"I'm just as capable of violence as he is and yes, I'm going to give him another chance. But it'll be the only chance he's going to get." I wanted him to know that I valued his opinion. "I'm not going to see him for awhile. Not until the bruises fade and I have a chance to think everything through. I want to thank you for your concern. I do appreciate your looking out for me." I said as I looked directly at him trying to get him to read the change in my attitude toward him. He must have understood because he suddenly smiled and dropped the subject entirely.

It turned out that Roger didn't wait for me to call him. Saturday morning as I came out of my apartment building he was waiting for me in the parking lot. I walked right on by without even looking at him. "Wait" he called. He jumped out of the car and hurried to catch up with me. "Hang on a second I just want to talk to you" he said talking fast. "You can't call me at Lisa's anymore I moved out." That got my attention "I don't want to lose you so I broke up with her. I'm staying with friends right now so there is no way to get a hold of me."

I turned and walked toward his car "you really broke up with her?" I asked.

"Yes I want to be with you" he answered. I was so happy that I got into his car and we went somewhere to make love.

Later that day I was visiting with my next door neighbor and we were talking about men. She was excited that her husband was getting out of prison in just a few days and coming home. I had met him once he was a gorgeous man. I was also excited so I shared with her "a guy I like broke up with his girlfriend so that I would go out with him."

"Are you sure he broke up with her and isn't just telling you what you want to hear to get you into bed?" She asked me.

"He wouldn't do that he is a good guy" I said.

"Well then I'm happy for you. Looks like both of us will have what we want." She went on happily about all the plans she had made. I was barely listening. It wasn't possible that he lied to me was it? I wasn't supposed to see him for a couple of days so I decided to do a little digging of my own. The first thing I did was call Lisa. I couldn't come right out and ask her if they had split up so I did the next best thing. After chatting for a couple of minutes I asked "how is Roger doing? I haven't seen him in a while."

"He's fine I guess" Lisa told me "he's been working a lot of hours lately" that didn't exactly tell me what I wanted to know. So I went to Ray "I need you to call and ask for your brother" I said the second I saw him.

"Why?" He wanted to know.

"He told me that he moved out and I want to see if he really did" I explained.

"I thought you weren't going to see him until the bruises faded. No, I'm not going to help you go out with my brother" he refused even when I pointed out that if he lied we were done. He simply refused to help. I left in a huff. There was no other way I had to go see for myself. I told my mom I would be spending the night at Maggie's. I knew she wouldn't call and check. I hopped on my bike and was on my way to stake out Lisa's house to see if Roger showed up there. On the way I was passing a little gas station on the edge of town when I spotted a very familiar van. It was Tim as soon as I saw his van my stomach did that funny little dance. I hadn't seen him in so long and without hesitation I steered into the parking lot. I sat on my bike next to the drivers' door until Tim came out. When he came out I drank in the sight of him. As soon as he saw me he stopped dead.

"Long time no see" I figured I would speak first when it became obvious that he wasn't going to. "How have you been?" I asked.

Seeing there was no way around me without speaking he walked up to me. "What are you doing here?" He asked.

"I was riding by and I saw your van" I told him "I couldn't help myself. I wanted to see you." I refused to analyze that.

"I wish you had kept going" he should have just slapped me it would have hurt less.

"Why? What did I ever do to you that made you hate me so much?" I asked "I was the one sent away from the church. I was the one sent away from my home. I was the one who lost everything. Why are you angry?"

"You weren't the only one to lose. I lost face in the church. I had to explain to my ex-wife why I was no longer a deacon."

"And what did you tell her?" I demanded "I'll bet you didn't tell her the truth."

"Of course I didn't, do you think I want to lose my son. I told her what I had to. That you chased me and I didn't put a stop to it like I should have." Seeing the hurt look on my face he said "look I know that I was just as much to blame for what happened as you were. But if I had said that I would have gone to jail. Is that what you want?"

"No what I want is when we are alone together for you to stop treating me like I ruined your life. I loved you I would have willingly done anything for you including taking all the blame." I stressed trying to make him understand. "So can we have a truce as long as we are alone together?" I asked.

Tim nodding his head said "I guess I can do that. Where are you headed? Can I give you a ride somewhere?"

I smiled in relief "I'm headed twenty miles up the road I'd love a ride." He put my bike in the back as I climbed in the front.

"Why are headed up there?" He asked so I told him all about Roger and wanting to see if he had lied to me. "How about if I stick around for awhile" Tim offered when we pulled into the parking lot across from Lisa's house. "There isn't exactly anywhere I need to be right now."

"I would love to sit here talking to you instead of sitting by myself" I said. We talked about the last year I told him about the home and my new school and Roger. He told me about work, Sam and his ex-wife. "She isn't seriously trying to get back together with you after running off and abandoning you and Sam. You're not going to take her back are you?" I asked.

"Sam needs his mom" Tim reasoned "she loves him and she says she has changed."

"I think that you better take it slow and see if she is telling the truth" I advised him.

"I could tell you the same thing how much can you trust this guy if you have to stake out his ex-girlfriends' house to see if she really is an ex?" Tim said. "There are better things you can do with your time you know.

"What do you think I should do instead?" I asked with a smile.

"Come to my place. It's not far from here." He said.

"Okay" I said quickly.

When we got to his apartment I wandered around the living room looking at his things while he got us some drinks. "I hope you like coke" he said as he came out of the kitchen.

As I looked at him the old feelings swamped me again. "I can tell you what I would like better" I said walking toward him.

Tim set the glasses on the table and met me halfway. As he took me in his arms I heard him say "here we go again" I didn't say anything just tipped my head back for his kiss. It was just like old times the passion, the fury, and the heat. He walked me backward as we kissed and we fell onto the couch. "I've missed you" he whispered as he trailed kisses down the side of my neck. He worked my shirt over my head and tossed it aside as he kissed one breast then the other. "I love your body" he said as he worked at the snap on my jeans. I tried to help but he just pushed my hands away "I want to. I have dreamed about this so often." He peeled the jeans off my legs and I laid there in a pair of bikini underwear. As he hooked his fingers in the straps on either side he looked up "any last objections?" He asked. I shook my head. He peeled them down and sat back and just looked at me. His hands trembled as he reached to run his hands down my body from top to bottom. "Undress me" he said suddenly as he stood. I reached for his belt buckle as he peeled off his shirt. I pulled down his pants and underwear and he was very ready.

"I have missed you too." I assured him.

He fisted his hands in my hair to pull me closer. He nudged my knees apart "Please baby I need you to do what you did so well for me once before." I was happy to comply and pulled him closer. When he pulled away a few minutes later I reached to pull him back "shh baby just a minute" he whispered as he knelt on the floor. Just as he was about to give me what I had so desperately wanted for so long his doorbell rang. We both jumped "just ignore it they will go away" he said.

"Tim, I know your home. Your van is outside" a voice said from downstairs. "Crap it's my ex-wife" Tim said in a panic "quickly get dressed." We got dressed in record time. I couldn't believe the timing. I wanted to kill this woman.

When he let her in she was not happy to see me. She asked Tim for a soda and when he went into the kitchen to get it for her she turned on me "you can just get your home wrecking self right out of here. Tim is my husband and I'm going to get him back." I was saved from answering by Tim coming back.

"If you can give me that book I came for I can get out of here." I said to Tim who thankfully caught on right away. He grabbed a random book from the bookshelf and gave it to me. "I have to get back to what I was doing thanks for the book." I gave him a little smile turned and left. I dragged my bike out of his van and took off. I didn't even stop at Lisa's I rode straight home. After all who was I to say anything after what had happened tonight.

I saw Roger a few days later. When he picked me up he was telling me all about staying at his cousin's house. He was laughing about something the kids had done. I wasn't really listening. I was lost in my own thoughts about whether I should tell him about what I had done. I felt a little guilty but I also remembered what happened the last time he thought I was with someone else and this time I was guilty. My thoughts were interrupted when Roger called my name. "What, what did you say?" I asked as I turned to look at him.

"What's with you today? You're a million miles away" he asked.

"Nothing just thinking about a test I have tomorrow" I lied weakly. It was a flimsy excuse and I knew it but Roger took it in stride.

"Well come on" he said that's when I noticed that we had stopped. I climbed out of the car and followed him into the trees. After we were done making love Roger commented on how distracted I had been. "You sure aren't your usual self. Are you sure there is nothing bothering you?"

"I'm sorry I'm just feeling a little under the weather I guess"

"Then I guess we better get you home then shouldn't we?" I agreed and we got back in the car. "I'm kind of surprised that you're not going to my brothers today." He said casually.

"Why is that?" I asked. "Because he called Lisa's house looking for me today and I thought maybe you had asked him to."

"Nope not me" I said "I haven't seen them in a couple of days" I told him. It never occurred to me to wonder how he knew Ray had been looking for him if he hadn't been there.

Roger didn't say much on the way back to town we were both thinking our own thoughts. When he dropped me off he said "remember I love you and no matter what Ray is up to he doesn't want us together." I smiled and nodded. I watched him as he drove off. Then it hit me. How does he know that Ray doesn't want us together?

Forgotten was the plan to go home. I headed over to talk to Ray instead. "What's going on with Roger?" I asked as soon as I got inside.

"Not even a hello first" Ray teased.

"Not even second" I said "spill it."

"I called Lisa's house looking for Roger just like you asked me to. He wasn't there so I asked her what was going on between them. Told her I heard rumors that he left. She told me that he came home one night in a foul mood and they got in a fight. I asked her what night it was and big surprise it was the night he nearly choked you to death. Anyway she told me that she threw him out. She also told me that the very next night he was so sweet he brought her flowers said he was sorry. The whole next week he was always with her taking her out to dinner and staying in at night to watch movies. She told me that she had thought he was having an affair but he proved he wasn't. So she let him move back in yesterday."

"That all she said?" I asked him.

"Yes that's all" He answered with a slight hesitation.

What else? Please Ray just tell me."

With reluctance he said "She told me that he asked her to marry him." I was numb. Wow, I couldn't believe I had fallen for that. Well upside I didn't feel guilty any more.

"Thanks Ray I won't forget this" I said as I turned to leave.

"Where are you going?" Ray asked.

"Home" I said "I'm going home."

I walked home deep in thought. When I walked up the back stairs I was feeling pretty upset. As I reached the door it opened and I almost collided with Darren the recently released jailbird. "Hi why the long face? You look like you just lost your best friend" he joked.

"Close enough" I answered.

"Come on come in to our apartment. You look like you could use some cheering up. Do you want a drink? Do you like whiskey or beer?" He asked as I followed him into their apartment.

"She can't drink booze" his wife said handing me a coke. "What's the matter guy trouble already?" She asked.

"How did you know?" I asked.

She laughed "you can always tell guy trouble. Come on come meet my husbands' old cell mate. He just got out today. This is Jack" As the evening progressed I flirted with both Darren and Jack. I decided to spend the night and I let my mom know that I was just down the hall. I ended up in bed with Jack that night. I don't know if it was because I really liked him or because I was so angry at Roger.

The next day I knew that I had to see Roger. I had to talk to him. I called over to Lisa's and found out that she was leaving to go to her mother's house and that Roger was going to be going through some stuff at home that day. I rode my bike to Lisa's knowing that Roger had no idea that I knew he had lied to me. When he answered the door his face dropped. "Hi what are you doing here?" he asked trying to give me a kiss.

"Don't bother" I said as I pushed past him. "I can't believe that you lied straight to my face. Why did you tell me that you moved out in the first place? I wasn't breaking up with you. So why tell lies?" I stood in the middle of the living room ready to do battle.

"I thought that you wouldn't understand. I wanted to be everything to you and you're so young" he began.

"Stop right there I'm old enough for you to have sex with though aren't I? Believe me I'm old enough to know when a man just wants an itch scratched. You could have just left it there you must have had a good laugh at my expense. I'm through with you I don't even want to look at you anymore."

As I walked toward the door he put his hand against it and he tried to explain again. "Please don't go. I really need you to listen to me."

But I was having none of it. "Let go, I don't want to talk to you anymore. I said what I came to say"

As I tugged on the door knob he said "fine I will let you go but please listen to the radio tonight during dedications." He let go of the door after I promised and I went home.

CHAPTER 10

When I got there Jack was outside sitting in his car. When I rode up on my bike he got out of the car and came over to me.

"Hi I was waiting for you" he said.

"Why?" I asked "need someone to screw before you hit the road" I said sarcastically.

"No I was hoping that you would go with me. I'm headed down to Florida and I didn't want to leave you behind."

As usual when I make a bad decision I didn't stop to give it a moments' thought. "Let's go" I said. "But, I need to make one stop first." So on the way out of town we stopped at the gas station where Maggie worked.

I went in "I'm leaving Maggie but I didn't want to go without saying goodbye."

"What do you mean you're leaving? Where are you going?" She asked looking confused.

I pointed out the window "I'm getting out of here. Jack is taking me with him to Florida. You have to promise not to tell anyone where I went." She gave me her word and we were off.

As we drove out of town I turned on the radio. When the dedications came on I listened out of curiosity to see what he had in mind. Before long a dedication came on for me from Roger his voice filled the car "I hope that you can forgive the mistakes that I have made because I love you now and forever. The song he had chosen was "Wherever you go" by Richard Marx.

"Is that song for you?" Jack asked.

"Nope not me" I lied. As I listened to the words in the darkness tears slid down my cheeks. I really did love him but I wasn't going to be made a fool of. We stopped the first night at a little hotel off the highway. When we hit the road the next morning I was regretting my decision a little. My mom was going to think that this was about her and we had been getting along so well lately. I hated to hurt her like that. It took us another day to get to Florida.

When we drove into Florida, I saw palm trees for the first time. I thought that was really cool. "We will get to my sisters' house tonight unless you want to stay at a hotel tonight and meet every one tomorrow." He said giving me the choice.

"I would rather have a chance to shower before meeting your family" feeling very uncertain of my reception.

"Okay babe you got it" Jack said as he pulled into a super eight hotel. "We will meet the family tomorrow. Tonight is just you and I." We spent a quiet night just lying on the bed watching TV.

The next morning after breakfast at a nearby restaurant we were on our way. The closer we got the more nervous I became. "You think they will like me" I asked.

"Sure but just one thing we need to tell them that your eighteen okay because they will get seriously angry if they find out your only fifteen." Jack cautioned.

"Okay I can understand that." When we reached his sisters' house there was a flurry of people coming out all at once hugging him and welcoming him home. As he pulled me next to him to introduce me it got real quiet. Everyone was staring at me. I wanted to squirm but I stood as tall as my five foot nothing frame would allow. I held on to Jack's hand tightly and met their gazes.

"Welcome to Florida" Jack's brother Erik said. They all chimed in and welcomed me but I got the feeling that Jack would be doing some mighty fast talking as soon as I was out of ear shot. He must have assured them that I was all right because they resumed their business with me right there. I wasn't aware at first what was going on because I had never been exposed to this side of life before.

Jack's sister Trinity asked him "you need anything right now?"

"I could go for a smoke" he told her. Thinking he meant a cigarette I pulled out my pack to give him one.

"Aren't you cute" she laughed as she handed him a joint. I didn't know what to think. I was really blown away when people began to drop by to pick up acid, coke, and weed. They were drug dealers. I just sat there taking it all in when I noticed Trinity watching me with a little smile.

"Hey Jack I think your little girlfriend wants some."

"No I'm good" I said but he insisted and kept insisting that I try it so I took one little drag. It wasn't long before my stomach started rolling. I made it into the bathroom just in time to throw up. I could hear them all laughing at me.

That night in the camper his brother let us crash in Jack said angrily "how could you embarrass me like that."

"Like what? I did what you asked me to" I said.

"Not until everyone thought you were a baby" he was getting angrier.

"Listen I didn't want to smoke that. I did it because you wouldn't let me alone. Don't ask me again because I won't" Jack hauled off and punched me in the head.

"Don't ever talk to me like that again you understand? When I didn't answer right away he hit me again "understand."

"Yes" I said belligerently "I understand." But, he never did ask me to smoke with him again.

Over the next week I slowly began to get to know Jack's family and despite their profession I started to like them. His sister Trinity was the comedian. Her husband was quieter and seemed to be the muscle. Whenever something heavy needed to be moved or someone was getting out of line he stepped in. You didn't want to mess with him I saw him pick up a guy once and bodily throw him out of the house. Jack's brother was more serious. He seemed to be the leader of the family if anyone had a problem they went to Erik. His wife was a small and quiet woman. She stayed mostly in the background. My favorite by far was Drew. Drew was Jack's seventeen year old nephew and a sweeter guy I had not yet met. Drew was a sensitive soul. It was obvious that his family's business distressed him. Every time someone came over to make a buy he would leave the room.

I was bored during the day with nothing to do so when Jack suggested that I go for a walk do a little exploring. I thought it was a good idea. I walked for awhile and managed to get turned around and I didn't know exactly where I was. I was walking down the side of a busy road. I had been walking for a long time and was tired so when a man pulled over and offered me a ride I took it. Yeah I know it was a bad idea. He took me to a hotel got me into his room by telling me his wife was inside and that I could call Jack from inside the room. After getting me in there he sat in a chair against the door and masturbated while watching me. He never touched me and when he left he left some money on the bed which I used to call Jack from a pay phone and he came to pick me up. I didn't tell him what happened.

The family headed for the lake that weekend and we went along riding in the back of the pickup. It was Jack, his seventeen year old nephew Drew, and I. The ride up was fun. We all shared a bag of boiled peanuts, which I had never had before. Before long Drew and I were seeing who could spit the shells further.

When we got there the place was beautiful. There was a nice sized lake with trees and undergrowth right down to the water. At the dock were a row boat on one side and a big motor boat on the other. The house sat back a little from the lake. It had an enclosed wraparound porch with several porch swings. The rooms all were open to the porch with blinds for privacy. As soon as everything was unpacked they got into their swimsuits and headed to the beach. I hung back because I didn't have a swimsuit. "Here honey I wouldn't want you to think I forgot you." Jack said as he threw me a big bag. Inside were outfits for almost every occasion including swimsuits for the both of us.

We put on our suits and joined the others. Someone suggested going tubing out on the boat. We all piled in the boat and for the rest of the afternoon took turns on the tube. When it was my turn Trinity held the tube steady and as I laid on it she said "don't let go there are alligators around here that could swallow you whole" knowing she was joking I laughed. I had the time of my life that day.

The next morning I was up before Jack so I put on a pair of shorts and walked down to the beach. Drew was already there throwing a stick for the dog. "Good morning" I said as I walked up behind him.

"Hey, how did you sleep?" He asked.

"Good all that exercise yesterday I guess" I replied looking back at him as I waded into the water.

"I wouldn't go outside the netting" he warned me "there are alligators in the lake."

I came out of the water in a hurry. "I thought she was joking about that" I squealed.

Drew laughed "this is Florida you know. You always have to watch for alligators. If you're careful you'll be fine. Oh and never let the dog go into the water for longer than a few minutes."

"Why?" I asked thinking the dog would probably love to be in the water.

"Alligators love to eat dogs" he informed me.

"Ah" I nodded my head "good reason." Just then Jack shouted from the porch I gave Drew a smile and went back up to the house.

"Morning Babe" Jack said "what were you and my nephew talking about so intently."

"He was warning me about the alligators" I told him. "He's nice for a guy his age." I commented "usually guys his age are jerks."

"Just as long as you remember your my girlfriend not his." Remembering how Roger used to get jealous and not wanting to argue I went up on tiptoe and kissed him "now why would I forget that. I like men not boys." That got him to relax and after breakfast we all spent another few hours on the boat.

When we got back to shore all the adults grabbed a drink and collapsed on the porch. "Can I go out in the row boat?" I asked Trinity.

"I don't mind" she said

"Jack you want to go in the row boat with me?"

He was leaning back in the swing with his eyes closed. "No not really" he answered without opening his eyes.

"You mind if I go?" I asked him.

He waved me off without even opening his eyes "go just be careful and have fun" he said.

"I'll go with you" Drew said. That got Jack's eyes open.

"What a great idea" Trinity said "you don't mind, do you Jack?" She asked.

After a look at me then Drew he shrugged "It's fine with me as long as you keep your hands to yourself boy."

"Alright let's go" Drew said as he grabbed my hand and pulled me into a run behind him. As I looked back Jack was watching me and he didn't look happy but then his sister said something and he looked away.

Drew and I rowed along the edges of the lake. "How old are you really?" He suddenly asked. "There is no way you are eighteen."

I looked at him "how old do you think I am?" He considered me for a moment "sixteen maybe" he guessed.

"Nope you're wrong. Now why don't we talk about something more interesting? I know, tell me about your girlfriend." I said trying to side track him.

"She broke up with me before we came up here" he told me sadly.

"Why would she do that you seem like such a great guy. She must be stupid" I said. I couldn't believe that some girl was stupid enough to let him go.

"What about you?" he asked "what are you doing with Jack? He is way too old for you."

"Jack's okay" I told him defensively "he's fun to be with. Besides he is not too old for me." Drew dropped it as we made our way around the far end of the lake.

"Look" he pointed, all I saw was brush "right there you see that log"

I looked and saw a small log resting against the bank "yeah, I see it, so."

"Watch it" he said as he slapped the water. I shrieked as it ducked under the water "that was an alligator" he told me with a grin.

"That was so cool" I said as I stared around trying to see another one. "Where did it go?"

"He's probably on the bottom not far away. They can stay under for a long time. It's not likely that we are going to see him pop back up. He's going to wait for us to leave." He said as he picked up the oars and started rowing this time directly across the middle of the lake back toward the house. Over the next few days I took the boat out several more times. Mostly just the dog and I, but sometimes I was accompanied by Drew and once Jack went out.

Drugs were readily available and everyone was quite open with their usage. They still made me uncomfortable though. Out on the boat I could get away from all that and just feel the peace. I thought that maybe that was what Drew liked about it also. That was confirmed one day when out of the blue Drew says "I hate that my family deals drugs. I know that you don't like it either so please don't say anything but, sometimes I want to leave and never come back. I love my parents, but I can't even have friends over because they might see something. My mom wants me to sell weed at school. She doesn't understand I don't want to be like them. Drugs don't do anything but ruin lives. Why am I the only one that sees that?"

"Have you ever told them how you feel?" I asked. "Maybe they would quit if you asked them to."

"Look around you" he said bitterly "drugs pay for all this, it pays for the houses, the cars, and their whole way of life. Maybe if it was just my parents they might quit. But the whole family is involved. My aunts and uncles, my cousins they all deal. I have cousins in the glades that grow the weed. An uncle that makes runs to Cuba for other stuff. Everyone enjoys the life. I feel like I'm the odd man out."

"That sucks man, I don't know what I would do If I was in your shoes. My sisters did drugs and that was bad enough. I hate drugs because of them. It's the only thing I thank them for. I'm sorry that you're stuck in this." I said with compassion.

"Don't kid yourself your stuck in this mess to you know. If you don't think Uncle Jack is going to take his place in the family your wrong he will. Then they will expect you to also." he said knowingly "just you wait and see."

"There is no way I will ever sell drugs for anyone. Jack doesn't even ask me to smoke with him anymore. He knows how I feel." I retorted.

"I hope your right" was all he said.

On our last night at the lake I was standing at the waters' edge. I was enjoying the peace and quiet of the water wishing that we didn't have to leave when Drew walked up. "Hey how are you doing?" He asked.

"Good sorry to be leaving this place. How are you doing?" I knew something was bothering him he had been quiet all day.

Instead of answering he said "how about we take one last swim together." I agreed and we both walked into the water. As we swam inside the netting we splashed and laughed. We were having a good time rough housing.

Jack stopped by for a minute but declined to come in "You two kids have fun I will be up at the house playing cards with Erik." He kissed me then went up to the house.

Drew became pensive and when I tried to tease him out of his mood he swam up to the beach and sat in the shallows "what's wrong Drew? Going home won't be so bad." I told him reaching to brush some sand off his shoulder. "Maybe you can make up with your girlfriend."

He turned so he was looking at me "Want to know why my girlfriend broke up with me" he asked despondently. It's because I wouldn't have sex with her. She thinks I'm afraid. I'm not afraid I just don't want to have sex yet. I want to be married first." When he finished speaking he lunged into the water and swam out into the dark.

I went after him "Drew wait" when I caught up to him I said "there is nothing wrong with waiting until your married and if she really loved you she would respect that about you." I was angry for him.

Drew shook his head "I'm so different from everyone even you. Maybe I am afraid, maybe I should just do it and get it over with" he said.

"Is that how you want to remember your first time?" I asked him "as something to do just to get it done. Don't you want it to be special? The most special thing you do."

"What was your first time like?" He asked.

"It wasn't special. It wasn't with someone who loved me. Oh I thought he would come to love me but he didn't. It was in the backseat of his van. It was rushed and painful and I wish it had never happened. You don't want a first time that you will regret. I think that you are a very special guy that some girl is going to be super lucky to get. Never settle Drew, never. You don't want to be like anyone else especially not me. I wish I had been more like you." I told him vehemently.

Drew came closer to me. He put his hands on my face and gently kissed me. "I wish you weren't my uncles' girlfriend" he said as he kissed me again. I had never been kissed like this before. It was so sweet it brought tears to my eyes.

As I stepped back from him I said "I am your uncle's girlfriend. But I'll always be your friend I hope that's enough."

He smiled a sad smile "it's enough." We swam in and went up to the house together. He went to his room and I went to find Jack.

He was in the bedroom when I found him. He wanted to go to bed so I started to get changed. "Don't bother with clothes" he said looking at me with that look.

"I don't feel like it tonight" I told him. After talking to Drew I wasn't feeling like having sex right then.

Jack walked over to me "I don't care if you feel like it or not" as he took the nightshirt out of my hands and pushed me on the bed. I tried to push him off but he thought it was a big game. He held my wrists together in one hand above my head as he had his way with me. After he was done he rolled over and went to sleep.

When we got back Jack informed me that we were no longer going to stay with his sister. "My brother is going to let us use a camper out at his house. I'm going to go to work for Erik. You can either stay at the camper or go explore the edge of the glades that we are going to live near."

"What are you going to be doing for him?" I asked.

"I'm going to be doing odd jobs for him" he said. "Stop asking questions" he cut in when he saw I was about to question him further. When we went into Trinity' house She told Jack she needed to speak to him and they went in to her room. When they came out Jack looked shaken. "Come outside I have to talk to you." When we got outside he said "they know you are fifteen. You were on the news. They told me that you have to go."

"Don't you mean we have to go?" I asked him nervously.

"This is my family I have to stay with them here at least for awhile" Jack said.

"I don't want to go" I said "I don't leave you and I don't want to go back."

"Where else can you go?" He asked. "What about your sister? Didn't you say she lived in South Carolina? That's close enough that I can come get you when I get my own place."

I didn't want to go but I hadn't seen Agnes in a long time so I said "I can call and ask."

"No you better let me talk to her" he said. I gave him her number and he went inside. When he came out he said "it's all set. I'm going to put you on a bus to Charleston. Call her when you get there and she will come pick you up."

So he put me on a bus that evening and it pulled into Charleston the next morning. However, when I called Agnes from a pay phone I got a different story. "I told him that you couldn't come out here. I told him that I live on a military base and you would be caught and sent back. I don't know what game you two are playing but I have to get to work" and she hung up. My mouth went dry I had no money and I didn't know anyone else. What was I supposed to do now? After thinking for a whole two minutes I decided that the best thing to do would be to walk back to Florida. So I got started. As I was walking I passed a little fruit stand. Hey I thought to myself they might have a map so I will at least know the way back.

I walked up to the fruit stand "Do you happen to know how to get to Florida from here?" I asked. They had watched me walk up the road.

"Planning on walking the whole way hon." The guy asked jokingly.

"I have to" I replied. I guess I was intriguing because they wanted the whole story which I told them.

"My name is Spider" the man said. Now he was a huge guy with long hair, lots of tattoos and earrings in both ears. "Why don't you stay here for awhile and see what happens." I didn't know what he meant by that but, I was tired and hungry so I stayed. Spider fed me and I helped unpack more fruit as he needed it. He also pumped me for information about where I lived and what my home life was like. I didn't know why he was so interested but I didn't think twice about it. Night was falling when an elderly gentleman stopped by on what I gathered was a nightly visit.

This was who Spider had been waiting for. He pulled the old man aside and told him my story. After they were done talking the man came up and said "young lady Spider told me your plight. I would be honored if you would allow me to buy you a bus ticket home."

"Wow that would be great I'm trying to get back to Florida" I told him gratefully.

"I was hoping that you would want one back to Massachusetts" he countered.

Then I realized why Spider had asked so many questions. "No, I want to go back to Florida." I said stubbornly. "That's the only place I'm going" The man shrugged he had tried to get me to do the right thing. He bought me a ticket to Florida.

Spider gave me enough change to call Jack on the pay phone and the only number I had was for Trinity's house when she picked up I asked for him. "He can't come to the phone right now" she said.

"Okay then can you tell him I'm getting on a bus back to Florida tonight" I said happily. Suddenly he was on the phone. I gave him the information on where and what time to pick me up and we hung up. When I got to Florida he was waiting for me.

"Hey babe what happened in South Carolina? I thought we agreed that you were going to stay put for awhile."

"Agnes said that she told you I couldn't come. She didn't believe I was really there. So I met a nice man that offered to buy me a ticket back to you." I said as I hugged him.

"I'm glad your back I missed you but, the thing is my family told me to talk you out of coming back. They don't want you here so you're going to have to stay out of sight" he said. I didn't care I was with him again.

He sneaked me into the camper that night and the next day he came back from the main house and told me "I have to run to get diapers for the baby. Stay inside and out of sight until I get back."

About an hour after he had left there was a knock on the camper door. "Florida state police you need to come out of there." When I opened the door sure enough there was a cop on the other side. He placed me in the patrol car. He talked with Erik for a minute then got in and we drove away. "I'm going to take you to a teen shelter" he said. I didn't say anything I was busy trying to figure out how to get out and get back to Jack.

When we reached the shelter he left me in the hands of the shelter staff. I was given a shower and a couple of sandwiches. I was eating with another girl that was sitting at the other end of the same table. We got to talking and after moving to a chair next to me she told me her story. She lived with an abusive stepfather and had been living on the streets for a month. She was young and the streets hadn't been kind to her.

When the woman that ran the shelter came to talk to me she included the other girl as well. She started to go over the rules of the shelter starting with "this is a voluntary placement shelter."

"What does that mean exactly?" I asked with some hope.

"It means that the doors are not locked you can leave at any time."

"You can stop right there" I interrupted. "I'm out of here" I said as I headed toward the door. The other girl got up as well and followed after me. "Where are you going?" I asked her.

"With you" she said.

I shook my head "you can't come with me. The best place for you is here. They can help you here. Don't follow me" I told her as I walked out. I felt bad for her but I was going back to Jack. I knew he had to be worried sick about me. I walked for awhile then I figured I would get there faster if I hitched a ride. No I hadn't learned my lesson yet. I stuck out my thumb and before long a car pulled over. I got in and said hello to the man driving. He was probably the biggest black man I had ever seen. "Where you headed?" He asked. I told him my destination and he pulled out. Neither of us talked for the first ten minutes or so then he said "you know nothing in life is free. You know that don't you?"

"Yeah I guess" I said. "Well then what are you going to give me for this ride?" He asked with a grin.

"What do you want? I don't have any money." I said although I had a funny feeling he didn't want money and I was right he didn't.

"What I want is for you to do me a service he said as he fumbled with his belt and pulled himself free of his jeans.

He tried to grab my hand but I pulled away "I don't want to" I said.

"Honey I don't care what you want. You give me what I want or I know some nice men that will pay handsomely for a little thing like you." He replied as he pulled my hand back. I did what he wanted me to but when he slowed down for a stoplight I jumped out of the car and ran as fast as I could. What are the odds that the first time I ever hitchhiked a ride the guys a creep. I learned my lesson I knew that I would never hitchhike again.

I made my way back to the camper. I hid in the woods because it was still light out. I found this cute little pond back in the woods so I sat next to that. I was lost in thought when I felt someone behind me. I turned my head and a guy was watching me from the edge of the clearing. He came out when he saw that I had seen him. "Hi my name is George" he said "aren't you that girl that left with the police this morning?" I admitted that I was. "Cool didn't hold you long did they. Man won't Erik be surprised."

"Please don't tell him" I begged "Jack and I just want to be together."

He looked puzzled but shrugged "your secrets safe with me" he assured me. He went in swimming while I watched from shore. After he was gone I waited until it was dark and then slipping from shadow to shadow made my way to the camper.

When I walked in Jack was surprised to see me at first then he caught me up in his arms and said "I was so worried about you. What happened?" I told him about the cop and the shelter. I didn't tell him about the black guy or George. "I'm glad your back. What are we going to do tomorrow when I have to go to work?"

"You can drop me down the road and I can stay in the woods like I did today" I suggested. So for the next couple of days he dropped me off down the road I would stay by the pond sneak back after dark. If it wasn't for George I probably would have gone nuts. He came down to the pond every day and we would swim and talk.

I made the mistake of mentioning George one night. Jack got very angry "are you screwing this guy while I'm out working?" He asked.

"No I'm not doing anything with George except talking." I said annoyed that he would even think that.

The next day when we got up he said "I want you to stay in the camper today." Hoping to appease him I agreed. "Problem is you have to stay hidden all day. You need to stay under the bed and cover up with a blanket in case someone looks in." If you have never been to Florida in July it is very hot. But I would do whatever he wanted to make him happy. So under a blanket, under the bed I stayed all day. He was gone until almost nine that night. I was very happy to see him when he came in. As I ate the supper he brought me he told me he had a better idea for the next day "I'm going to drop you off at the mall tomorrow." He explained "I wouldn't want you to die from the heat."

When he dropped me off the next day he said "I will pick you up at five o'clock right here. So have a good day." He gave me a kiss and drove off. I wandered around window shopping before going into a sporting goods store.

The store owner Ernie was very attentive. When I told him I was just killing time he said "you can stay in here until you have to leave if you want. I would love to have someone to talk to" So I stayed and talked with Ernie. When he found out I didn't have any money he bought us both lunch. At ten of five I said goodbye to my new friend and went outside to wait. Five o'clock rolled around and no Jack then quarter after five then five thirty. At six Ernie came out to go to his car. When he noticed me standing there he came over "your ride hasn't showed up yet" he stated.

"I'm sure he's just running late" I said without hesitation.

"My offer still stands you can come home with me" He said.

"No, I have to wait for Jack if I left he wouldn't know where I was."

"You sure are loyal I'll give you that. I just hope that you're not in for a disappointment" he said as he turned to leave.

Seven came and went then eight. A security guard noticed me standing around when the mall closed at nine. "Are you in trouble young lady?" He asked.

"No, my ride hasn't showed up yet." I told him.

"What time was he supposed to be here?" He asked concerned.

"A couple of hours ago" I told him embarrassed. "I'm sure that he will come soon though." I assured him.

When he went by at ten he gave me a smile and a wave. At eleven he came over "I'm off duty now" he said "do you want a ride home?"

I was so relieved I could have cried. "Yes please." I had him drop me off right in front of the camper. When I went inside Jack was sleeping so I crawled in next to him and went to sleep.

"Can't you take a hint" Jack was shouting as he shook me awake the next morning. He lifted me off my feet and was shaking me so hard my head was snapping back and forth. "You're like a bad penny you just keep turning up" The truth finally dawned on me. I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it before. He wanted to get rid of me. How stupid could I be? I kicked out at him and when he dropped me as soon as my feet touched the floor I flew out of the camper and down to the pond. I threw myself on the sand and cried. I wasn't crying because I loved him and he rejected me. I was crying because I had been so very stupid again. I swore to myself that I wasn't going to be stupid anymore.

I felt a hand on my back and I rolled over ready to go to battle if it was Jack. I looked into Georges worried eyes "are you okay?" He asked "I heard him yelling and then saw you run like your life depended on it. Did he hurt you?"

"Just my pride" I told him as I sat up. "I'm so through with him. I don't ever want to see him again" I said.

"I'm so glad to hear you finally say that" he said as he leaned forward and kissed me. I hesitated for a split second then I threw myself completely into that kiss and before I knew what I was doing I was making love to George on the sand.

We walked back to his place after and I knew he wasn't going to like it but I asked anyway "George please phone the police and tell them that you found a teenage runaway."

"Are you sure?" he asked "you can stay here with me you know" he offered.

"I think we both know that I can't. Besides it's time for me to go home." George made the call and three hours later when an officer showed up I gave George a kiss and I went outside and turned myself in.

CHAPTER 11

When I got back to the shelter this time I was ready to sit and listen to the rules which were simple. If I wanted to go home they would arrange a bus ticket. If I didn't I could live at the shelter as long as I attended school. I called my mom when she answered and when I said hello she started crying. "Mom I want to come home but, I don't want to go to jail for breaking probation." I said "Can you arrange it so I don't go to jail?" She assured me she could and the police put me on a bus that night.

The cop asked the bus driver to keep an eye on me "you" the cop said "sit right behind the driver and don't move." One look at the driver and I didn't want to move. Man was he cute. I flirted with the driver all the way to North Carolina where his shift ended.

As he got off the bus he said "I'm spending the night at the hotel if you want to get off. I can make sure you get on again in the morning."

"Thanks for the offer but arrangements have been made to pick me up at the other end.

I moved back further in the bus and ended up sitting across from this guy who was headed to New York. I don't remember how it started, probably he said something and I said something sarcastic back and it went on from there. We were heckling each other back and forth for hours. I was doing it for the fun of it. The people around us were also amused at our expense. It was dark when we pulled into a truck stop for a break and he moved into my seat. We were still trading insults and I was laughing at him when he leaned down and kissed me. What a steamy kiss it was too. When our neighbors woke up the next morning we were making out. "That was fast work" one guy said "going from insults to making out. That's smooth man real smooth." We just laughed as we went back to making out. We didn't come up for much air until our next stop.

I got off the bus to get a soda and to call mom to find out exactly who was picking me up at the bus station. As I was walking to the phone he grabbed my hand "what is your name anyway?" he asked

"I'm not going to tell you" I told him "it's better that way."

"Well you can call me Con. I'm headed up to New Hampshire to work at a boys' residential center."

"I'm headed home" I said with no details of where I had been. As I talked to my mom he was trying to make me laugh. I had to turn my back on him just to concentrate. I found out that two state cops would be picking me up and driving me home. Oh great I thought more cops. I had one last cigarette and got on the bus. Con and I made out all the way up the eastern coast.

When we got to New York he said "I'm spending one night here before reporting for work. Stay here with me. We can finish our trip tomorrow."

I smiled rather sadly at him "no it's time for me to go home. Besides I don't think one night with you would be enough." I said partly to soothe his pride. We parted company and the rest of the trip was uneventful.

When I got off the bus I was approached by two men in suits. They identified themselves and ushered me into their car. I don't remember the ride home because I slept the whole way. My mom wrapped me in a big hug as soon as I walked through the door. Susan and Brad were there as well. After all the initial greetings were done mom and Susan decided to go out in the hall for a cigarette. Mom had started smoking while I was gone and when they headed into the hallway I followed.

Mom turned to say something and I beat her to it "I'm not going to quit smoking so you might as well get used to it." I said defiantly.

"Fine do you have your lighter? I forgot mine?" Was all that she said.

Later that night I went to her "mom can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure what's up?" She asked.

"I wanted you to know that I didn't leave because of you. It had absolutely nothing to do with you. You didn't do anything wrong. I was angry at a guy I was going with for telling me lies and when Jack asked me to leave with him I jumped at the chance to get away. I'm sorry that you were hurt if I had thought about it I never would have left. I was just so angry."

My mom had started to cry while I was talking. "I was so afraid that something bad was going to happen to you. You have no idea what it was like not knowing where you were all that time. Not knowing if you were alive or dead. Please don't ever do that again my heart couldn't take it"

"Mom no man is ever going to affect me to the point that I need to run again. You have my word." I gave her a hug and went to bed.

The next day we headed to the courthouse to get the warrants for my arrest vacated. It took hours to get it all straightened out. After which I had to go meet with my probation officer who asked my mom "do you want her at home? If you don't she can go to juvenile detention right now."

I looked at my mom and she looked at me "no I want her at home. I believe that she has learned her lesson." she said taking and squeezing my hand. I smiled at her but his next words wiped the smile right off my face.

"Not yet she hasn't." He stated flatly "but she will, not only is your probation being extended another six months but you are not to be in the company of anyone older than seventeen unless approved by both your mother and myself. Your curfew is still going to be enforced and don't even think about getting into a car with anyone other than your mother. If you break one of these conditions just one time your mother will not be able to save you. Is that understood?"

"Yes sir" I answered.

"Good you may go home." he said.

As soon as we got home I went down to the store two doors down where Robb worked. Brad was there waiting for me. As I was telling them how court went a police officer walked by the window. Now this wasn't just any cop, this cop used to live next door to Brad. Brad didn't like him but as of yet I hadn't had a problem with him. As he walked by he looked in. When he saw me he stopped and came inside. He walked up to me "you're under arrest" he said as he slapped the handcuffs on.

"Wait a second, what did I do?" I asked.

"There is a warrant out for your arrest" he replied as he started to walk me to the door.

"You better check again" I told him "I took care of all that this morning. Check in my back pocket the court papers are right there." I challenged him. So he took out the papers and looked them over.

Then he called in on his radio "could you check the status of arrest warrants for me" he read them my social security number and date of birth.

"Affirmative on arrest warrant" came the reply.

"Let's go" he said. He put me in his car as I looked back toward my building. Howard was getting out of his car looking at me. Now Howard was going to think that I had gotten into trouble again.

When we got to the station he called my probation officer. He put it on speaker phone so I could hear everything. He explained that he had me in custody on the warrant that had been issued. My probation officer sounded like he was trying not to laugh as he said "oh I must have missed that one. You can release her to her mother officer thank you" and hung up. I was sitting handcuffed once again to a metal stool bolted to the floor. I was not happy. When he tried to call my mom the phone was busy. For thirty minutes he tried before he got through. When he did get through my mom and Howard decided to walk to the police station which meant that I was sitting there for another twenty minutes. To say I wasn't in a good mood when I got out of there was putting it mildly. But for Howard I could fake it.

I was grounded for a week but as usual I was allowed to go to Maggie's house. My mom couldn't say enough about how supportive Maggie was while I was gone. How she went to the police station with her when she filed the missing persons report. How upset she was to not to know where I was wow, I thought Maggie must be a good actor.

I wondered if she even told Ray I had stopped by to say goodbye. I got my answer to that question the first time I knocked on their door. Ray was home alone and I got a lecture about driving off with any Tom Dick or Harry that came along just because I was angry at Roger. "How is Roger?" I asked. "Do you know?"

"Don't even think about starting up with him again." He said "You deserve so much better than that. I mean it if you go back to him then you don't have the brain God gave a gnat." Thankfully Maggie came home then so I was spared anymore advice.

I was glad to see Maggie "thank you for keeping my secret" I said. "I know it couldn't have been easy."

She smiled at me "you are an unstoppable force of nature. I knew you would be alright." If only she knew all the things that had happened or all the things that could have. My month long trip to Florida could have very easily been forever instead. Someone up there sure likes me enough to protect me I thought.

I was home for a week when the pain started. At first it wasn't so bad but it got progressively worse. I thought that the pains were caused by cramps from my period. But when my period had come and gone and the pains were worse still I finally went to my doctor. After his examination he drew some blood. He came back in a short time later and gave me a prescription.

"What's this for?" I asked.

"You have a STD." He said "It's called PID which stands for Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. You can get it when you have multiple sexual partners. I also took blood to check for any other diseases you may have picked up. Young lady I have been your doctor since you were in diapers and I want you to listen to me very carefully. You need to come in for pelvic exams every month. You also need to use condoms when you have sex. I'm sorry but because of the scarring on your fallopian tubes it is unlikely that you will ever be able to have children."

"So I'm not sorry" I told him "I don't even like kids. I don't have the patience for kids. If I thought that you would tie my tubes I would have it done today."

"You don't need to now so I hope that is how you will always feel" he said.

Coming home from school two weeks later mom decided to park in the undercover garage instead of behind the building where she usually parked. She pulled in next to this compact car. There was a man sitting in it with his head down. I gave it a glance then looked again. Something felt familiar about that guy. I shrugged it off and walked with mom toward the building "that wasn't that guy you ran off with was it?" She asked.

Just like that I knew it was. Jack was sitting in the parking lot. "No, that wasn't him. I don't know who that was" I lied. When I got upstairs I dropped my book bag. "Mom I'm going out for awhile" I called as I went out the door "I'll be back in a couple hours." I went directly to his car and got in. "What are you doing here?" I asked him.

"I made a mistake letting you go. So I came back to get you. I almost had a heart attack when your mom parked right next to me" he said as he started the car.

"No way" I said as I reached over and turned the car off and took the keys. "I'm not going back with you" I told him "we're so past done."

"But I don't have any place to stay." he said with a sad look. "I spent all my money coming down here to get you."

"Look I can get you into the apartment Darren lived in their gone and the apartments' empty. I can crawl through the window and let you in. But you can't stay long." I said feeling bad that he came all this way for nothing. I went up to Brad's after explaining the situation I went out his window. I quickly jimmied open a window then went back under Brad's window. Brad threw down some blankets and a pillow. I went inside set the blankets on the floor and opened the door. Brad came in a minute later to keep the door open while I went to get Jack. We let him in and we both left.

"Why are you helping him?" Brad asked. "I don't know. I feel bad for him I guess." Brad shook his head as we parted company. I didn't see much of Jack over the next few days.

My mom came into my room one night and said "Jack has been arrested today, here in this town. That was him the other day wasn't it?"

"Yes" I admitted.

"Why did you lie? Why do you continue to protect him?" She asked.

"I felt responsible that he came all this way just for me." I said.

"Let me tell you a few things that you probably don't know. He stole that car that you saw him in. He has been robbing gas stations since he's been here and he just kidnapped a twelve year old girl and was headed out of state when they caught him. Do you still want to protect him or can I have him prosecuted for taking you to Florida."

We had discussed the idea of prosecuting him when I first got home and I had refused. I made my choice and I wasn't going to blame someone else for it. But now I said to myself come on a twelve year old girl. He deserves to go to jail. So I said "go ahead ma do your best" Last I heard he had gotten twenty to life in prison.

I had renewed my friendship with Alexis when I went back to school. She was fun to be around. Her life seemed so simple she was the only daughter of two Christian parents. She was pampered and spoiled but she wasn't a brat. Most rich kids are stuck up but not Alexis. I think she found me fascinating. I know she found my life fascinating. I told her all about my summer in Florida. As she envied me being free to do pretty much whatever I wanted. I envied her for having two parents. I of course didn't envy the restrictions she was under. I had to go over her house if I wanted to hang out with her outside of school. At first I thought it was cool and after she warned me not to flirt with her dad. I spent the weekend with them. Had she not made me promise not to flirt I probably would have. Not because I wanted him but because I wanted the closeness that he and Alexis had. And I didn't know any other way. I playfully called him dad once just to tease her and Alexis hauled off and gave me a fat lip. There was no way she was going to share that title with anyone. I didn't mind I was actually impressed that she had punched me. It did however make me aware that I couldn't get attached to her parents at all. So to keep her happy I kept them both at arms' length.

During the week as soon as I got home from school. I went over to Maggie's house. On my way there one day Roger drove up in a pickup and stopped. I leaned my bike against the side of his truck and walked over to his window. "What's up Roger? Haven't seen you in a while" I said.

"Do you want to go for a ride? Roger asked.

"Sure" I threw my bike in the back and climbed in.

"How long have you been back?" He asked.

"About a month" I answered.

"You left because you were mad at me right?" he asked.

"Yes, I was sick of the lies. They just weren't necessary." I told him.

"I love you I never stopped loving you." he said.

"Are you still with Lisa" I asked him.

"No, I have my own place I'm living on site of a car dealership as a security guard. I have been for over a month now. Please give me another chance. I want to marry you" he said.

"Show me your place" I said with a smile.

"Right now?" he asked.

I put my hand on his leg "right now."

When we arrived we went inside and it was as if no time had gone by. When he kissed me I still felt that same rush of excitement. When we made love it was still the wild rough ride that I knew so well. I was laying there smoking a cigarette when he asked "you're going to marry me right?"

"Sure, I guess so not like it matters. I can't get married until I'm eighteen" I said.

"We can go to Pennsylvania. You can get married at fifteen there."

There was a knock on the door Roger answered it while I got dressed. It was his friend Buck. He invited us over to his house for some burgers so we went. We spent an enjoyable afternoon drinking and playing cards. Although I was drinking soda I felt like I was one of them. When it was time to go back Roger said "drop me off at Lisa's I have to pick up some of my tools." When I looked at him he leaned over and kissed me "don't worry I'll be there in twenty minutes." We dropped Roger off and went back to his place where we watched TV.

There was a knock on the door and Buck's uncle came in. I was scared for a second because he was friends with my mom. "The cops are looking for her" he gestured at me "she better get out of here before you all get into trouble."

When I looked nervous he said "don't worry I'm not going to tell her that I saw you."

I didn't need to hear anymore. I grabbed my bike and took off for home. I had to get back into town before anyone found me. I made it home in record time. When I walked in my mom was all over me "where have you been?" She demanded to know.

"I've just been riding my bike around" I said giving her a puzzled look. "What's the problem? It's not past curfew yet."

"When you left here you said you were going over to Maggie's. When you weren't there what was I supposed to think?" She cried. I hated hurting or scaring her.

"Mom listen to me I promise you, I promise you that I'm not going to run away ever again okay, trust me please." She looked me in the eye and she must have seen something that reassured her because she didn't panic so easily after that.

I heard from Roger the next day. He was in a panic "babe you have to help me. You have to say that I was with you until nine o'clock last night."

"If I say that I was with you I go to jail for breaking probation" I said. "Why do you need me to say that?"

"Lisa called the cops and said that I beat her up last night. I got arrested."

"Are you in jail right now?" I asked concerned.

"No, I'm out on bail. I have to go to court next week though. I swear I didn't touch her. She wanted to get back together and when I told her no she went ballistic. I never laid a hand on her." he insisted.

"Can't you get Buck and his girlfriend to do it? I really don't want to get into trouble" I asked desperately.

"I already asked them. They don't want to get involved. Please you have to do this for me. I meet with my lawyer before court and I need to tell him something."

I gave in "fine go ahead and tell your lawyer that you were with me."

When I got over to Maggie's house Ray couldn't wait to tell me the news "did you hear what Roger did to Lisa?"

"Yeah I heard what Lisa said he did. You can't believe everything you hear you know."

"Man, you can't possibly be this naive. I don't believe what I hear. I believe what I see. And we both saw her last night."

"What do you mean you saw her last night?" I asked not sure I wanted to hear anymore.

"Lisa couldn't get a hold of anyone else so she called Maggie after Roger beat her up and raped her. We brought her to the hospital and called the cops."

It was worse than I thought. "How could you call the cops on your own brother?" I asked him.

"He isn't my brother anymore. Hasn't been since the first time he laid his hands on you." Ray shot back. "How can you stand there and defend him. You have firsthand knowledge of what he can do. Or do I need to remind you of the night he did the same thing to you."

"I can defend him because I was with him last night. Believe me he had no need to rape anyone last night." I shouted at him before thinking.

"How can you be so stupid when it comes to him?" Ray shouted back "even you can't stop him from getting what he deserves this time."

"I can to I'm going to tell the judge that he was with me and there is nothing you can do to stop me." I yelled my face turning red.

He was horrified "you're going to end up in jail if you do that. Don't you ever think before you act" Ray spat back.

"Enough already" Maggie said quietly. "Leave her alone. You both are too upset to be rational and we wouldn't want to say something we couldn't take back." Ray stormed out of the house.

"Thanks" I said.

"Don't thank me. I agree with him. For some reason you have a blind spot when it comes to men especially that man. I don't understand it but it is your life and your decision."

I should have known better than to think that Ray was just going to let it go. When the court date came up I pretended to be sick to get out of school. I didn't know that mom would decide that she didn't want me to be home alone so she made arrangements to leave me with Maggie while she was gone. But once I was there I assumed that I would have no problem getting out of the house in plenty of time to make it to court after all they always let me do whatever I wanted. I should have been suspicious when Ray didn't go to work but I wasn't.

When the time came I got up and headed for the door. Ray beat me there and leaned against it. "You're not going" he stated quite calmly.

"Move I am to going." I said.

When he wouldn't budge I turned to Maggie "Please make him get out of the way" I pleaded.

"Sorry, this is for your own good" Maggie said.

"If I don't show up he's going to go to prison" I pointed out.

"Right where he belongs" Ray remarked.

Maggie tried to get me to see reason "if you do go you're going to be the one going to prison. Why is his freedom more precious than your own?" I tried everything I could to get out. I begged, I cried, I screamed, I tried to physically move him nothing worked and finally it was too late.

"He is never going to forgive me for this" I said sadly.

"It should be you that never forgives him for trying to put you in the middle" Ray said getting angry again.

"I don't need you interfering in my life" I shouted at him.

"Someone has to" he shouted back. I eventually did thank Ray for his interference in my life that day.

CHAPTER 12

Mom came into my room "I have to tell you something" she said. "Debbie is coming back to live with us. She has moved out of your father's house and is staying with my stepmother but she isn't happy. She called to ask if she could come home."

Not expecting her to be any different than from when she left I said "great can I move out while she is here?"

"Don't be like that things are not the same. You're not the same. Chances are she isn't either" mom said.

I wasn't convinced "yeah right." I said "she isn't staying in my room."

"She can have my room and I will sleep on the couch. Is that okay with you?" She asked sarcastically.

"How about she sleeps in the car" I responded to her sarcasm with my own.

"You have a smart mouth" she laughed swatting at me. I ducked laughing. Well things are going to get interesting I thought. She came home right before her eighteenth birthday.

It wasn't long after Debbie got back that I came home to find her in the hallway kissing Dennis. The same Dennis that had gotten her sent away the first time. "Didn't learn your lesson the first time did you?" I asked as I walked past them.

"Wait, please don't tell mom? I'm going to tell her when the time is right." Debbie said.

"Listen you can do whatever you want. I have no interest in telling mom about anything you do. Life is quiet here I don't want to listen to fighting anymore. Besides I don't care what you do. If you want to go out with scum be my guest." I said with a fake smile in Dennis' direction.

"Get out" I said as Debbie walked into my room a little later.

"No, I need to talk to you" she sat on my bed. "I'm back together with Dennis. I'm going to tell mom, but I don't need you bad talking him. Mom isn't going to like it as it is. But if she knows that you don't like him either it is going to give her more ammunition to try to keep us apart. So please just keep your opinion to yourself."

"Look it doesn't matter what we say. You are going to be eighteen soon. You don't need mom's permission to date Dennis and she knows it. As long as you don't do anything stupid she will be fine." Debbie told her the next day and just like I predicted she didn't like it but she didn't try to stop them either.

A week later I come home to them screaming at each other. Mom was having a complete meltdown. Apparently she had come home to find Debbie and Dennis in her bed. She stormed out of the house slamming the door so hard the phone bounced off the wall. I walked over and picked it up. "What part of not doing something stupid did you not understand?" I asked as I put the phone back on the wall. "Having sex in mom's bed are you serious? Were things going too well for you?"

"I didn't think she was coming home so soon." Debbie said as she sat at the table. I started to laugh. "Man when you screw up you screw up royally. Let me give you a piece of advice don't ever have sex in this house and things should be just fine."

A month later Debbie came in the living room "I'm pregnant" she said baldly "Dennis and I are getting married on Valentine's day."

When she looked at me all I said was "you really don't understand the meaning of stupid do you?"

A roller rink opened up in the next town. Katie kept bugging me to go check it out with her. One Saturday we got my mom to drive us over and drop us off. The place was full of people mostly of people in their teens or twenties. I found that I had a knack for roller skating. Before long I was zipping along to the music. The rink was fun. They had all women skate, all guy skate, and couples skate. I loved to watch when the guys were out there they were such show offs. It was hilarious. Skating became the thing to do on Saturday nights.

Maggie wanted to do spring cleaning one weekend and like all her other kids she put me to work as well. I didn't mind I liked helping her out. I had just finished dusting when Ray came in looking for someone to help him in the attic. I was the only one already done so I followed him upstairs. We were arranging some old furniture when we uncovered a mattress. As we continued to straighten up he turned to me "we have known each other for awhile now right?"

"Yeah" I said smiling at him.

"And you're not afraid of me anymore right?" He went on.

"No I'm not afraid of you. I said wondering where he was going with this.

"You know I would never do anything to hurt you right?" He pressed.

"Yeah, I know why?"

"Do you trust me?" he asked.

"Sure I trust you" I said nodding my head.

"Then come here" he said pointing at the mattress.

I walked over to the mattress and sat down. He pushed my shoulders until I was lying down. "Now relax. I want to show you something." he said as he began to pull down my shorts. He pushed my shorts off and spread my legs. "Do you remember what I said I wanted to do that day in the basement?" he asked softly.

I nodded my head. "We shouldn't be doing this. I said nervously "Maggie is my friend."

He looked at me but didn't reply as he knelt down beside the mattress. I had to stifle a cry. I had been with a few men now and none of them made me feel like this. It wasn't long before I couldn't take the wonderful but powerful sensations he was creating. I pulled at him pleading with him to stop torturing me. He stopped looking up at me asked "do you want me?"

"We can't" I told him. He began again before long I was again begging him to stop.

"Say you want me" he demanded Just his breath on my sensitive flesh was too much.

"Yes" I surrendered. "Yes please" he came over me instantly as if he had been waiting for permission. He looked into my eyes as he gently entered me. Until now I had only known forcefulness while making love. Ray was all about gentleness. All about pleasure, mine. He made sure that I was feeling as good as he could make me. When we were finished he lightly kissed me. "I wish I had been your first" he whispered. At that point so did I.

We got together as often as possible four or five times a week. I often felt guilty about Maggie but every time I brought her up he would torture me with pleasure again until no one mattered but him. I was quickly becoming a slave to my body. His slave to do whenever and wherever he wanted. I knew that I was totally his the night we made love on the couch right outside the bathroom door while Maggie took a shower. Ray began to teach me. He taught me how to do things to drive men crazy. He didn't have to teach me not to say no when he wanted me. I had already learned that lesson the hard way. He taught me that sex and love had nothing to do with each other. Who you're in a relationship has nothing to do with who you have sex with. If you're in love you act with discretion if not who cares. He taught me that as long as I could please a man I had great worth. He eventually taught me how to manipulate men to get what I wanted.

But it wasn't all about sex. At times he still treated me as one of the kids. We had this crazy game that we played. Actually Phil and I started it. Phil would punch me as hard as he could in the arm then I would punch him. It would go on until one of us said uncle. Ray was watching us play and after I beat his son for the third night in a row Ray got up.

"Try me" he said. So I punched him as hard as I could and then he punched me. Now he definitely hit harder than Phil but I had no give in me. So we kept punching each other until Maggie interceded.

"Stop it you two before someone gets hurt." Ray gave me one last shot then sat down with a smile.

"I will get you to cry uncle" he said to me.

"Not in this life time." I said laughing. He was fun to be around.

His other favorite thing to do was go fishing. Now I didn't like fishing but he would drag us kids along anyway. He would bait the poles and we would throw in the line. Then he would spend the next half hour yelling at us "pipe down your going to scare away all the fish." We would look at each other and start laughing. He always broke after an hour. He would get mad and say "forget it I'm taking you guys home. I'm never going to catch anything with you around." That would just make us laugh louder because he said the exact same thing every time. It took awhile but he eventually gave up taking all of us fishing.

As the summer went on we worked out a system. When he went fishing he would pick me up. We would spend the day together. I didn't mind going fishing with him as long as I didn't have to catch it, clean it, eat it or in any way touch it. We would sit and talk quietly. He was always interested in what I thought or what I was doing. We would make love before we left. He always found the most beautiful spots to take me to.

I fell in love with Ray over that summer. Not the in love that I had been before. This was different. It was more. I felt more. More passion, deeper somehow, I felt more for him than I ever had for anyone before. I would do more for him. He could ask me to do anything and I would do it. The longer we were together the more I lost the ability to feel bad about running around behind Maggie's back. I found ways to justify it. One of my favorites was if she was satisfying him at home. He wouldn't need me. Yet, she was my best friend. I still hung out with her and listened to her talk about problems at work, with the kids, or even with Ray. It was like I was two people. When I was with Maggie I was on her side against Ray. When he treated her badly I was the first one to tell her to not to take it or give him a hard time about the way he treated her. When she wanted romance I watched the kids so they could go out. When I was with Maggie it was like my affair with Ray didn't exist. But when I was with Ray, no one else existed. There was no one but him.

One night I was watching TV with Ray and the kids waiting for Maggie to get home from work. Ray's friend Dylan dropped by. Dylan was a giant of a guy six feet four, two hundred pounds. He was a handsome man with pale blue eyes the color of the sea. He was that rugged type that always appealed to me. Next to him Rays five foot eight looked small. He had a great sense of humor and had all of us laughing at his jokes. He looked my way more than once with a speculative look in his eye. He pulled Ray aside and spoke to him. They argued back and forth. Then Dylan said something and they both looked at me. Dylan walked away from him.

Ray pulled me aside a little later when Dylan went to the bathroom. "What's up?" I asked.

"I need you to do something for me?" He asked.

"Of course, anything" I assured him.

"I need you to leave when Dylan leaves and do for him what you do so well for me" he said not looking at me.

"What?" I asked thinking he was joking "are you serious?"

"Yes, I'm serious but listen he has to think you want to be with him okay. It has to be your idea." Seeing my reluctance he said "if it wasn't important I wouldn't ask you to. Do you really think I want to share you? I don't have any other option here. Remember sex isn't love and love isn't sex."

I reluctantly agreed and when Dylan said good night so did I. Ray watched as I walked out the door ahead of his friend. When we got outside Dylan asked "where you headed?"

"Nowhere in particular" I answered walking toward the school playground. He fell in step beside me.

"How long have you and Ray been together?" He asked.

"Now what makes you think that?" I asked him.

"I have known him a long time." he said.

"Nothing is going on between Ray and me." I lied.

"Good to know" he said. "That's what Ray said when I asked him about you. But I didn't believe him." When we got to the playground Dylan asked "how old are you anyway?"

I laughed "does it really matter?" I asked sitting down on a swing "not even a little I was just curious" he told me.

"In that case I'm fifteen but don't worry I'm old enough to know what I'm doing" I assured him. "Oh really, what are you doing?" He asked as he pushed the swing I was on up until we were at eye level.

"I'm playing with fire." I said softly.

"I'll give you something to play with" he said seriously.

"Oh yeah let's see" he slowly brought the swing back down and reached for his zipper.

I felt a moment of unwillingness but thought I have done this hundreds of times before and if it helps Ray I don't really mind. I watched as Dylan pulled himself out. When I got a good look at him fear raced down my spine, he was huge. Well there was no way I was going to have sex with him but I could still do something for him which I did right there at the swings in the playground.

"Wow, your pretty good at that" he commented when I was done. He sounding so surprised I just smiled. "Can I see you again" he asked.

"I don't know I'm usually busy but maybe I'll see you around." I said trying to think of an excuse that wouldn't hurt his feelings.

As I was getting up to leave I heard him mutter "well I guess Ray wins that bet" I turned and looked at him.

"What bet?" I asked feeling uneasy.

"He bet me the money he owed me that you would do me tonight."

"Why would he do that?" I asked.

"Well, when I asked him about you he told me that he could tell that you liked me and that you weren't shy about going after what you wanted. When I didn't believe him he bet me that if I got you alone I would score with you."

I thought about that for a second but there was no way Ray would do that. Dylan is just trying to get back at Ray for something I thought. I said goodnight and took off for home. I'll never to do that again I thought.

Ray cornered me the next day "well what happened with Dylan? Did you do what I asked?" he demanded.

"Yes I did" I told him "you want to tell me the real reason that I went with him."

"I told you the real reason. I had no other option. I had to trick him."

"So you did owe him money?" I asked disappointed.

"Honey, I owed him a lot of money. You should be flattered that he was willing to give up that much money for a chance to be with you."

"Well you won the bet." I told him. "Of course now he wants to see me again."

"Do you want to see him again? Ray asked. "You looked as if you were interested in him."

"Dylan is a handsome man. But after last night no I don't want to see him again." I said.

"Why what happened last night?" Ray asked worried.

"Nothing, forget it that's between him and me." Ray looked like he was going to pursue this line of conversation so I cut him off "are we going somewhere or not?" There was no way I was going to tell him that it was Dylan's size that scared me.

I saw Dylan several more times at Ray's and when he approached me I always made some excuse as to why I couldn't go off alone with him. He took it graciously and never pushed. I did come to like him. He was funny and nice. Sometimes I thought he was too nice. I noticed that people took advantage of his generosity. But it was none of my business.

I was walking alone one afternoon when Dylan pulled up next to me "want a ride?" He asked. "Sure why not?" I said as I got in his truck.

"Where you headed?" He asked.

"Nowhere special" I told him.

"Want to come to my place?" He asked. When I looked skeptical he laughed "relax I don't bite" he said. I agreed and we went to his place. His place was a little shack on the corner of a pretty nice piece of land not far from Ray's house. When he saw me look at the shack he explained "I had a house here but it burned down a couple years ago. I can't afford to build another one." I could understand that. He tossed me a beer and he showed me some of his treasures. He had some flakes of gold that he had found himself and some pretty rocks that had crystals inside them. He told me the stories of how he had gotten them. He really was a very interesting man. He asked me about doing him a couple of times but didn't push. I went over to his place often after that. I liked to watch him when he was with his women, and he had multiple girlfriends most of them had money. I watched how he played them and got them to buy him the things he wanted. When it came to women he was a master manipulator. I took note of the way he did things and I remembered. Although I would occasionally give in and service him it was only oral. I wouldn't go all the way with him.

Katie and I were skating at the rink when we were approached by a couple of guys, Hank and Martin. They asked us if we would skate with them and before I could say no like I always did. Katie agreed and was pulling me to my feet.

"I don't want to" I hissed at Katie.

"Do it for me" she said. "I don't want to skate with them by myself. I groaned because I knew I would do it for her.

As soon as we hit the floor Hank grabbed my hands and skating backward led the way. It was fun. I hadn't mastered skating backward and when he tried to teach me how we kept colliding. Before I knew it I was laughing and having a great time. Katie and Martin weren't hitting it off quite as well. One couple skate turned into another and soon we were skating together all the time. One night after couples skating Hank said "come on let's go down to the store and get some good munchies."

"I can't" I said "my mom catches me anywhere else and I won't be able to come back."

"Don't worry I will have you back before she gets here I promise." We all piled into his car and went down to the store. He bought us candy and soda and we headed back. Even though we weren't gone that long my mom was already there when we got back.

"Oh no" I said "drive around back" we scrambled out of the car casually walked around the side of the building. When we got into the car I said "I'm glad you're here. It was so hot in there tonight I couldn't stand it another minute."

"What were you doing around back?" She asked looking at me with suspicion.

"Smoking a cigarette" I said without missing a beat "you can't smoke out front." That satisfied her and we drove home.

"Do you want to be my girlfriend?" Hank asked when I saw him next. I agreed. I probably should have thought about it for more than a nanosecond. After all I was already sleeping with Ray and it wasn't as if Hank wanted me for my delightful conversation skills. With Hank being in his twenties I knew I couldn't introduce him to my mom. He would pick me up after he got off work and we would go back to his place for a couple of hours. Sometimes we would have sex sometimes Martin was with him so we would play cards or watch TV.

Alexis couldn't believe the life I was living. She wanted to meet Maggie and Ray, Hank and Katie. Remembering what happened with Katie and Diane I didn't really want them to meet. One weekend Alexis' dad finally agreed that she could come to stay with me. When he dropped Alexis off he told me "I'm going to trust you and my daughter but if I find out that you two got into any trouble she will not be allowed to come over again. I knew I had to be on my best behavior. I told Hank I couldn't see him that weekend and I took Alexis out to show her the town. I kept it real tame. We went to the pizza joint for some food. Walking back I saw Maggie was working at the gas station so I walked over with Alexis to introduce them.

We were going to go swimming next but Alexis wanted to meet Ray. So we walked down to his house. Ray was outside working on his motorcycle. When he saw us he straightened up "what are you girls up to today?" He wanted to know.

"Just going down to the lake" I told him.

"I can give you guys a ride on the bike if you want. I can drop you off at the lake and then bring your friend down."

"That sounds great" I said without even asking Alexis. I hopped on his bike and we roared away leaving Alexis standing there with his kids.

We got to the lake and as I jumped off I said "bring her straight here Ray. I will kill you if you take too long."

"Don't you trust me?" He asked with a laugh.

"Not for a second" I told him smiling back. He left with a spray of sand and was back in good time. When he pulled onto the sand he grinned at me and hit the brakes hard causing Alexis to slide into him. I slugged him after helping her off. He was laughing as he drove away.

We went swimming then walked back to my house. Brad was in the hallway when we got there. "Hey I scored you a bottle of hard apple cider" he said proudly.

"Where did you get that?" I inquired

"I stole it from my brother just for you guys." I didn't have the heart to remind him I didn't drink anymore hadn't had more than an occasional beer in over a year.

Besides I think he was trying to impress Alexis so I said "just toss it out the window in a few minutes we can drink it later." Knowing I would if Alexis wanted to. After we said goodbye to Brad my mom asked us to run something up to Katie's mom.

I really didn't want to but before I could say anything Alexis answered for us both "We'll be happy to" she said.

So off we went. Katie was outside with her mom when we got there. "Hey do you guys want to stay and watch a movie" Katie asked.

"Sorry not today" I got out before Alexis could accept for us.

"Why not, what are you going to do?" Katie wanted to know.

So racking my brain for a good excuse I told her "I have a bottle of hard cider waiting for me at home. I'm going to share it with Alexis. So we've got to go."

Katie was not happy with me as we left but I figured that she would get over it. "Wait" Katie yelled "aren't you going skating tonight?"

"No, not tonight" I yelled back without even turning around. Alexis and I were laying on my bed a couple of hours later when my mom busts into my room. "Where is it? Where is the bottle of hard cider?" she said as she glared at us.

Alexis takes one look at her "It's outside on the roof" she tells her.

"It's not even open" I chime in "we weren't even going to touch it." Thank God it wasn't open because she promised not to tell Alexis' dad since we didn't actually do anything wrong. I never let Alexis forget how quickly she told her where it was. It was something we laughed about for years. Katie on the other hand wasn't going to be laughing when I saw her again. She was the only one who could have told my mom about that bottle.

Alexis and I were hanging out on the back steps waiting for her father when this guy walking across the parking lot started making rude comments to Alexis which we ignored until he asked Alexis to commit a sexual act on him. I got angry and said "sorry she forgot her magnifying glass and tweezers today."

Now Alexis thought that was funny the guy however did not. Alexis was laughing when that guy started toward us. She quickly went up the stairs behind us while I stood my ground. The guy came right up in my face "you think your pretty funny don't you?" he growled at me.

"She laughed" I said with a grin. "So I don't think I'm funny I know I'm funny."

He grabbed the front of my shirt "I should wipe that grin right off your face."

Now I was pretty sure he was all talk but regardless I wasn't about to back down so I said "you and what army" as I stomped on his foot and pushed him as hard as I could. He landed hard on his butt.

"I'm going to kill you for that." he promised.

"No, you're not. You are going to leave those girls alone." A voice said from behind him. He whirled around as I looked past him and there was Alexis' dad.

The guy disappeared around the corner of the building real fast. He is never going let her come back. I thought, I had been so intent on this guy I hadn't even seen him walk up. Alexis ran down the stairs "dad you should have seen her. That guy was after us and she stopped him cold." She bragged.

"So I saw" Alexis' dad said looking at me. "Looks like your mouth got you into trouble. Although you can handle yourself pretty good you shouldn't have to. What exactly got that guy started anyway?"

My smile faded as I told him "he said some bad things to Alexis and I wasn't going to listen to that." I said looking in the direction he had disappeared as if thinking about chasing him down.

"Just as well he's gone" he said putting a restraining hand on my shoulder. "What would you have done when he got up and came after you?"

"I would have dealt with him" I said with bravado "he was no fighter or I never would have pushed him. I never start a fight I can't win."

"I hope your right" he commented "I won't be here if he comes back."

I grinned at him "that's okay neither will I." He threw back his head and laughed.

My sister asked me to babysit one night when she couldn't find anyone else. I agreed because I figured that Hank could come over. When Hank came over that night he brought Martin with him. They were trying to teach me how to play poker when there was a knock at the door. Somehow I knew it was my mom. "Quick hide in the bedroom" I told the guys. However on their way to the bedroom they walked in front of the kitchen light throwing their shadows on the window shade.

When mom came in she went right to the bedroom "get out here" she said angrily. "Who are you and what are you doing with my fifteen year old daughter."

"Mom this is Hank and his friend Martin and we were just playing cards" I said as I motioned to the cards lying on the table. "Hank and I have been dating for a couple of months now."

"Just how old are you?" she asked Hank.

"I'm twenty-three ma'am" Hank said looking terrified.

"You guys get out of here and if I see you again you'll be sorry." She threatened. They couldn't get out of the house fast enough.

But I wasn't done yet. "Mom chill out. Hank is a really nice guy. What is your problem?"

"You know what you look like when you have two guys alone in the house with you? You look like a whore."

I threw up my hands "only to you, mom, only to you. You watch the kid I'm out of here." I walked out. Hank was around the corner getting in his car when he saw me walk by he drove over and picked me up.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah I'm fine. How about you, I thought you were going to pee yourself in there." I said laughing at him "she is not that scary."

"Maybe not to you, you're not the one she can have arrested" was his answer. "So where do you want to go?" He asked.

"I don't know but I'm sure not going home yet" I said.

"We can go to my house my dads' not home" Martin suggested. So that was where we went. We played some more poker which I sucked at. Then we watched TV for awhile.

"You better take me home now" I said when it was getting late. "I wouldn't want to miss my curfew and get her even angrier than she is already."

Mom was waiting for me when I got home. She started to yell at me but I interrupted. "Look if you're going to yell I'll just leave again. If you want to discuss it then I'm willing to talk to you."

Taking a deep breath she said Okay let's discuss this. You told me that you weren't going to walk out anymore. I was afraid that you weren't coming home."

"Actually I told you that I would not run away again and I won't. I never said that I was going to sit there when you are being unreasonable."

"It's not unreasonable to not want grown men around my teenage daughter."

"Grown men that is a laugh. Hank and Martin both still live with their parents and believe me they are less mature than I am. Hank is a nice guy and Martin is his best friend. They are almost always together so it's not like we're going to have sex with him around." I stood my ground "I'm going to continue to see him so you can forbid it which just means that I'll continue to see him behind your back or you can let me see him and be able to monitor the relationship." Mom folded and I was allowed to date Hank and she did eventually get to like him.

Hank was picking me up over at Maggie's one day and Ray insisted that I bring him inside to meet them. Ray was very well behaved and they chatted about fishing and where the best fishing holes were. They talked about Hank's job and how long he had worked there. Finally we got out of there. When I saw Ray next he didn't say anything until after we were done making love then he said "your boyfriend's a pansy."

"Why do you say that?" I asked "just because he doesn't like to lift weights. He is more brain than brawn. I like him that way."

"He won't keep your interest for long. You like the brawny type better."

He was right about that. I had always liked my men to be big and strong. "I'm not shallow I could like the brainy type to." I informed him defiantly. Ray's words stuck in my brain however and after that whenever I looked at Hank it was different somehow.

The carnival came to town and as usual I went down with Brad to hang around. Since they were shorthanded we were put to work almost as soon as we got there. I worked with a newcomer and Lenny a regular setting up the scrambler. When the carnival got going Brad and I would spend the night going from ride to ride. All the guys knew who we were. On Saturday Brad had to go with his dad for awhile so I went down to the lot by myself.

I was walking by the scrambler when I heard "hey where is your partner?" It was one of the new guys.

I walked up to the operators' platform "he had to go with his dad this morning. He'll be here this afternoon" I explained. We chatted for a few minutes then I jumped down. I slid my sunglasses onto my face and walked away.

"Hey you" I heard as someone grabbed my shoulder and spun me around "that is my boyfriend your hitting on."

I had no idea what she was talking about so I said "okay" and walked away again. A minute later I heard running behind me as I turned a fist smashed into my sunglasses breaking them. I stood there "what is your problem?" I asked. She didn't answer she pushed me against a nearby wall and grabbing my hair proceeded to slam my head into the wall. My anger was immediate but I struggled for control over it and instead of immediately punching her I laughed at her. "As long as it's my head you're hitting you're not hurting me. I don't want to fight you over a guy I have no interest in."

"Stop, what are you doing?" her boyfriend came running up. As they began to argue I walked away. I was seriously angry but I was glad to see that I could keep my temper under control.

Alexis was spending another weekend at my house and we were going to babysit on Saturday night. The woman I agreed to babysit for was going out bar hopping with friends. When she left I called Hank and told him the coast was clear. He and Martin came over. Alexis wanted to meet Hank and I figured that maybe she could hook up with Martin. When they got there it was obvious that Alexis and Martin weren't a good match as she was at least a foot taller than he was. After checking to make sure the kids were sleeping. We left the house and walked to a nearby playground where they pushed us on the swings. Hank and I wandered off to make love under the trees leaving Martin and Alexis to keep each other company. When we were done Alexis and I left Hank and Martin and went back to the house just before the kids' mom was due home. An hour later I got a phone call. "I'm so sorry I'm late getting back. I was wondering if I brought you a case of beer and a bottle of booze would you mind spending the night." The mom asked.

"I don't mind at all I could use a drink tonight." I readily agreed.

"What kind of bottle do you want?" She asked.

"Jack is fine hey is it all right if my boyfriend comes over?"

"That's fine I'll be there soon." So I called Hank to tell him to come back over but he hadn't gotten home yet. She showed up soon after with the booze and left again. I called mom to let her know I would be spending the night. Then I popped the top on my first beer and called Hank again.

"You can come back" I told him when he answered "the mom is going to be out all night and she brought me some booze for us to drink. I asked her and she doesn't care if your here."

After hanging up the phone I turned to Alexis "here have a beer" I said holding a can out to her. "I'm not sure I should" she wavered. After a little urging she finally took it. We were both on our third beer and our second shot of whiskey when Hank and Martin got there. I handed them a beer and we joined Alexis in the living room. We were watching TV, drinking and talking about anything and everything.

After a couple hours Hank went out to get us some cigarettes. Martin was sitting on the floor of the kitchen and I was sitting on the counter. We were both pretty drunk. "Alexis doesn't like me" Martin stated.

"That's okay she has led a pretty sheltered life. She doesn't want to go out with anyone her parents wouldn't approve of" I consoled him.

"Why wouldn't they approve of me? I'm a nice guy." He whined as he chugged his beer.

"They are Christians Martin. They have different standards" I told him.

"What is a Christian exactly?" he asked me.

"I'm a Christian. When you believe that Jesus died on the cross for your sins and you ask him to forgive you and save you so that you don't go to hell. Then you're a Christian." Man was I confused about Christianity.

"Oh okay" he said as he closed his eyes and passed out. When Hank got back he didn't stay long. He collected Martin gave me a kiss and left. Alexis and I passed out on the living room floor.

The next day we were supposed to go to church. Alexis was very hung over so when mom showed up I told her "Alexis isn't feeling well she needs to sleep a little more. When she wakes up we'll walk down to the apartment." Mom however insisted on us both coming with her right then. When she saw Alexis she knew she had a hangover and called her dad. Alexis was grounded from hanging out with me for a year.

Mom and I were visiting one of her friends near Hank's house so I asked "Can I go over and surprise Hank? You could pick me up in an hour." My mom agreed and I walked toward where Hank lived. I took a shortcut he had showed me. The shortcut went over the top of a hill and when I got to the top I looked down toward his house and there he was with another woman. She was sitting on the hood of his car he was standing in front of her. I watched as he leaned forward and began kissing her. I watched for a second then turned and walked away. When I got back to my mom's friends house I got into the car and waited for her to come out. When she came out she was surprised to see me waiting in the car. "I thought I was picking you up? What happened? Wasn't he at home?" She asked.

"Oh he was home all right." I said "he just wasn't alone. I didn't bother to interrupt him" I said.

"Why what was he doing?" she wanted to know.

"He had a chick with him and he was kissing her." I told her.

"Oh honey I'm so sorry!" She said "Do you want me to drive down there so you can talk to him."

"Why are you sorry? You are not the one fooling around on me. No, I don't want to go down there. Let's just go home." When Hank called me that night all I said was "I never want to see you again." and hung up on him.

He came over the next day when I opened the door and saw him I tried to shut it again. Hank inserted himself halfway through the door "why are you mad at me?" he asked.

So I told him "I walked over to your house yesterday. I saw you outside." I watched understanding dawn in his eyes.

"It's not what you think" he said.

"Give me a little credit" I yelled at him "you were making out with that woman. We're done get out of here. I don't want to hear your excuses." I pushed him out and slammed the door. That was the last I saw of Hank.

I went back to meeting Ray five times a week. I loved being with him it was so easy. I didn't have to worry about who he was with because I was the other woman. He always made me feel so good when I was with him. One thing I noticed when we were at his house was that he never kissed Maggie when I was around. So one day I asked her "how come I never see you and Ray kissing?"

"Oh he doesn't really like to kiss so I guess we just never do it anymore." she told me. Now I happened to know that Ray had no problem kissing. We did it all the time. Oh well I thought with an inner smile he loves kissing me, as if this somehow made me better than her.

I went over to Maggie's one day and Ray's older brother Arnold was there with his wife and kids. I was introduced and I sat back listening to them talk. Turned out Arnold was moving back to town. Ray seemed pretty happy about it. After dinner they were going to go down to the sand dunes for target practice and all of us kids wanted to go. Phil, me and Arnolds' oldest boy Roy were the only ones that got to go. They had brought several black powder rifles with them. When it was my turn to shoot Arnold said "Ray tells me that you're pretty tough, but a black powder rifle has a heck of a kick so I'm going to add more powder than usual so that it doesn't kick so hard."

That sounded good to me so I nodded "wait a second" Ray said but Arnold cut him off.

"Relax Ray I'm not going to kill the girl. I'm sure that she'll be fine." he grinned at him.

I looked at Ray puzzled. He seemed unsure about something "it's okay" I said "I don't mind shooting it with less kick." I thought maybe he thought that I was going to be insulted.

As Arnold handed me the rifle he smiled "just point and shoot" he said as he moved to the other side of the car. I stood holding the rifle to my shoulder the hood of the car was directly behind me. When I pulled the trigger the rifle slammed back into my shoulder and hurled me into the car. I went to my knees.

Ray came over "that was a dirty trick" he said to Arnold as he helped me to my feet.

"Are you all right?" he asked concerned.

I pulled away from him "I'm fine" I said my shoulder feeling like it had been torn apart. I declined to shoot after that even when Ray offered to load it for me. I wasn't about to tell them that I couldn't move my arm without excruciating pain. When we got back to the house everyone was outside. I went inside and went into the bathroom. I slowly pulled my arm out of my sleeve and slipped the shirt over my head and down the other arm. I looked in the mirror and my entire shoulder was deep purple almost black.

"Hey" Ray knocked on the door as he opened it I turned away.

"What are you doing? Someone's going to see you." I warned him.

"Everyone's still outside" he said as he turned me so he could see my shoulder. "Wow" he said "you need a hot pack on that. I'll tell Maggie to come up and check on you. She'll get you what you need. I'm so sorry babe I didn't know how much powder he put in or I never would have let you fire that gun." He took one more look at my shoulder and went to get Maggie.

She knocked on the door a minute later "let me in." I opened the door and she said "Ray said that you wouldn't show him your shoulder but he thinks that it's hurting you so let me see." She gasped when she saw the bruise. She swore at the stupidity of men the whole time she was preparing a hot pack. She got me one of Phil's tank tops and made me sit down and hold the pack to my shoulder. Then she went outside I could hear her yelling at Arnold all the way in the house. She made me smile.

Arnold came upstairs "Let me see your shoulder it can't possibly be a bad as they are saying." When he saw the bruise he looked sheepish "I'm sorry. I didn't know that it was that bad. You didn't say anything."

"That's the way she is" Ray said coming up behind him. "You owe my girl here one and believe me we are going to collect" Arnold gave him a sharp look.

"Your girl huh so that's how it is" he said.

"Yeah that's how it is." Ray said. I looked at Ray I couldn't believe he had just told his brother.

Seeing my look Arnold said "relax he knows I'm not going to tell anyone. Don't look so worried my brother and I have kept many secrets over the years and we have so much dirt on each other that it would make no sense to rat each other out. Besides it doesn't bother me that he has a girlfriend in fact I'm envious."

The next week I was hanging out with the bar tender that worked in the bowling alley next door to my apartment building. Everyone liked her she was very cool. I had spent all day with her when Ernie stopped by. Ernie was in his twenties, handsome and built. When I first saw him I hoped that he wasn't Karen's boyfriend. "He's just a friend" she assured me when I asked. The three of us hung out in her apartment watching movies. Ernie and I really hit it off. He was so sweet and so funny that when given the opportunity I spent the night with Ernie at Karen's that night.

The next day I introduced him to my mom. He was ultra polite and she liked him. Turned out she knew his mother so she was cool with my dating him. Once again I cut my visits to Ray down to occasionally. When I brought Ernie over to meet them it went a lot better than when I brought Hank over. I guess Ray realized that I was never going to be his alone. Ernie didn't have a job so we were together almost constantly.

When I told Alexis about him she was bummed that she wasn't going to get to meet him. I only got to see Alexis in school since the whole drinking episode. We weren't allowed to see each other outside of school. I still told her everything however. She really wanted to meet Ernie. I talked my mom into bringing him along when she picked me up from school one day. I introduced them and we were all talking when her dad came to pick her up. "Hey Danny, what's up?" I said to Alexis' dad. As usual he answered "the sky" making me laugh. "I walked away from Alexis toward her dad. "Can Alexis please come over soon if I promise that I won't get her into trouble again? Please." I asked him.

"Who is he?" he asked motioned toward Ernie.

"That's a friend of mine" I knew that if I said he was my boyfriend she was never going to get to come over.

"I'm afraid the answer is still no. You're still hiding things. He isn't an appropriate friend for a fifteen year old girl and the way he's watching you I don't believe that he is just your friend. But I'll tell you what if you want to you can come over to my house again." He patted my shoulder and calling Alexis he walked away. How could I choose between my best friend and my boyfriend? I wanted to spend time with both of them.

"Are you coming over this weekend?" Alexis asked as soon as she saw me the next day. "I don't know. I haven't asked my mom yet" I said trying to think of what I wanted to do. "Come on you know she'll say yes. You have to see the guy that lives behind my house." She had told me about the hot gut that had moved in. "Alright I'll ask my mom tonight." I promised as we went into class.

When I got into class I noticed that my desk was now at the back of the class. I looked around every one had been moved around. "Hey Seth what gives?" I asked "How come you moved us around?" I didn't really care I hadn't been sitting next to anyone important to me anyway. But I was curious.

"I thought I would shake things up." Seth said. I noticed that his favorite students were in the front next to his desk now. I was getting along okay in school but I still would rather be anywhere else. But if I had to be in school I wouldn't want to be in any other school. I really liked Seth he put up with a lot from me. I can't tell you how many times he caught me reading a romance novel behind my desk top. It also helped that he was a very handsome man. One time one of the parents had come to him and told him that Alexis and I were being inappropriate on the playground. When he called us in to his office he asked us about it. He always asked he never accused. Even with my history he always asked and listened to what we had to say. That time I had been telling Alexis about a movie that I had seen the night before where a girl created a diversion so her friend could get away from this guy that was looking for him. She pointed at the guy that was searching for her friend and yelled "he touched my breast." We thought this was hilarious so we were pointing at each other and squealing "she touched my breast." When we told Seth that he laughed and told us to watch what we said in front of the little kids. He understood, he always understood. At this school I didn't feel like going insane. My grades weren't the best but they were passing.

I was also seeing a counselor once a week since I had gotten back from Florida. Mom had made that a condition of my being home. Malinda was okay she came to the house to see me which was nice. After the first few visits we always went driving in her car to talk because I didn't want to talk in the house. As we were driving around I would show her places that I liked to go and tell her the stories behind why I liked to go there. Usually it related to some man I had met or had sex with. I made the mistake once and told her about Ray. I bragged how much he liked me.

"I'm going to have to inform your mom and the police about this" she said.

"What? Why?" I asked panicked.

"I have to report any cases of abuse" she said.

I had to think fast "I wasn't actually talking about Ray. I was talking about Roger I just don't say his name." I said figuring that since Roger was in jail already she wouldn't feel the need to report it.

As soon as I got home I dragged mom into her bedroom "mom I told Malinda that I was having an affair with Ray when I was really talking about Roger and now she is going to tell the cops that Ray is doing something he's not. You have to talk to her" I pleaded. So my mom talked to her and convinced her that I had been just using Ray's name as a cover. I was very happy that I had averted disaster. I never talked about Ray again.

Melinda was very cool in other ways as well. She let me drive her car and she also would let me sit on the window ledge and hang onto the roof as she drove. We went to her apartment once because she had to get something. I observed her bedroom window was open "you know it's a bad idea to leave your window open while your gone don't you?" I said.

"Oh don't worry it is screwed at the top so it can't be opened anymore than that" she said dismissively.

"It's open enough for someone to get in" I pointed out.

"Yeah but they would never get anything back out with them" she said still not understanding what I was getting at.

"They won't have to go out the window to steal your stuff. Once they are inside they can go right out the door" I replied.

She stopped and looked at me blankly for a second. Then crossing to the window she shut it and said "I never once thought of that." I liked her a lot but she really didn't have a clue how the real world worked. I never took her seriously she was okay to hang out with but I never again told her anything real about my world.

Near the end of the school year something happened to change everything. We came into school one day and Seth wasn't there. There was a lady there that told us that Seth had been accused of touching one of his students. It wasn't long before we ferreted out the whole story. He fixed one of the girls' suspenders and she accused him of touching her breast. She wasn't very popular after that. No one would talk to her and several students were making life unpleasant for her. The girl who had done it was the girl I was riding in with in the morning. I hated her. Seth was probably the best teacher I had ever had. So in little ways I made sure this girl knew I was angry with her. Since she had known me for several years and had heard about my past form listening to her parents talking she made sure she was never alone with me.

The woman that they brought in to replace Seth decided that the grades weren't being calculated correctly so she changed the grading process and I took a hit. School was almost over and now instead of C's I had D's. When my mom picked me up that day I said "they changed my grades it's not fair."

"It will be okay" mom said "don't worry."

"Don't worry" I almost shouted "the school year is over in three weeks. I don't have time to bring my grades up and I'm not coming back here next year if Seth is gone. I won't and that means back to public school. I have to pass into the ninth grade or I'm not going at all. I will not be a sixteen year old eighth grader. It's not going to happen."

It turned out that Seth would not be returning. They had fired him. Mom and I went to the local high school and talked to the principal and he assured me that my coming into the high school wouldn't be a problem. So I stopped worrying about it.

Ernie left to be a counselor at a summer camp in another state and although he called me as often as he could it wasn't that often. Brad and I also got jobs at a nearby camp for inner city youths doing maintenance. The camp director's boyfriend Greg was directly in charge of Brad, me and two others another boy and girl. Ironically this camp was where Roger had taken me that first time so long ago. The four of us were given cabins to paint in the morning and paths to clear in the afternoon.

Now Greg was really cute and I flirted with him a lot. One afternoon he brought me with him to pick up a pair of glasses at an eye glasses place. It happened to be just down the street from my apartment building and since I knew my mom wasn't home I said "we have an hour to kill want to go to my place its close by?"

He had parked right in front of my building. "Depends where do you live?" He asked.

I grinned "right here" I said stopping at the door. "Wanna come up no one is home."

He came up and a short time later we were in bed together. When we got back to the camp Brad looked at me with lifted eyebrows. When I couldn't help the grin he just smiled and shook his head.

When I walked up to him he said "do you ever keep track of who you're supposed to be in bed with. I thought you were in love with Ernie."

"What's that got to do with anything? Greg isn't taking Ernie's place he's just someone to have sex with while Ernie's gone. It doesn't change anything."

Brad looked at me "if you say so." I also went back to meeting Ray several times a week. Between work, Ray and hanging out with Maggie my summer was going pretty good.

One night I was missing Ernie so called the camp and asked to speak to him. I was told that he had left with his girlfriend for the weekend. "Do you mean he's going home to see his girlfriend?" I questioned the person on the phone.

"No he left with his girlfriend she works here too." I slammed down the phone. I hate men I thought. He wasn't supposed to have another girlfriend. It didn't matter that I was sleeping around. I always made sure that the guy I was with would never get hurt by finding out. I was discreet just like Ray had taught me.

I went over to my sister Rachel's house that night and was complaining about Ernie when there was a knock on the door. It was Ernie. "I don't want to talk to you" I said as I shut the door in his face.

"Really you need to at least ask him about it" my sister said as she opened the door and invited him in.

"I don't want to ask him about it" I protested.

A very confused Ernie spoke up "ask me about what? What did I do? What's going on?"

My sister looked at me "tell him" she insisted.

"You want to tell him you tell him I have nothing to say." With that I walked out. I expected him to come after me but he didn't. I walked around for an hour before I decided I really did want to hear what he had to say. I really liked him maybe just maybe the person on the phone was wrong after all he was here wasn't he. So I walked back to Rachel's house when I got there I was almost to her door when I saw two shadows on the shades going into Rachel's bedroom. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I turned and walked away. Sleeping around was one thing but with my sister no way. I avoided him until he had gone back to camp. It was over as far as I was concerned.

I met a guy at the gas station where Maggie worked. His name was Johnny. He was cute and attentive. He was always trying to get me to go out with him but I was holding off for some reason I didn't quite understand. Something was off about him and since I couldn't put my finger on what it was I was cautious. He would meet me every day and although I had kissed him it hadn't gone any farther. At camp during break the other girl and I got to talking about guys. "I broke up with my boyfriend but there is this guy I'm thinking about going out with. He is cute and he comes around every night. I like him I guess but something's off. I don't know what it is but something doesn't feel right. I haven't even let him touch me. All I have given him is a kiss goodnight. He's being very patient. He is so funny every time I see Johnny coming in his red pickup I can't help but smile." I told her.

"The guy that's coming around his name is Johnny and he drives a red pickup?" She asked.

"Yeah" I nodded.

"What does he look like?" She asked.

"Curly brown hair, brown eyes, and a dimple in his cheek" I said "why?"

"That's my boyfriend" she said angrily. Man was I glad that I had already told her we hadn't done anything.

"Well you better shorten his leash" I told her.

"Do you want to come home with me this afternoon? I can call him and when he shows up we can both be there" she said.

"Okay" I replied feeling trapped. When we got to her house that afternoon she called him right away. "Maybe it won't be the same guy" I said hopefully. I didn't really want to be in the middle of somebody else's fight.

When he pulled up however it was the same guy. He looked at us sitting there "let me talk to him first" I said "then he is all yours." I walked up to the truck "you should have told me you had a girlfriend. Then I wouldn't have been talking about you. I told her that we haven't done anything so you shouldn't be in too much trouble" I told him.

"Did you tell her that I kissed you?" He asked looking at his girlfriend who was walking over. "Yep" I said and walked away. I found my own way home and the next time I saw him I kept right on walking.

CHAPTER 13

Debbie and Dennis were going to the Fourth of July fireworks in another town. Now I would rather get boiled in oil than go anywhere with them but I was desperate for a distraction so I asked her if I could go. She said if I could get to her in laws house that I could go. I managed to get a ride with an old man I knew.

When I got there it turned out that I wasn't the only one going along. Dennis' best friend Randy was going along. Randy and Dennis were competing to see who could lift more weight and Randy was lifting a weight bar off the floor when we walked into the living room and Debbie introduced me. "She can help come here" he said to me "grab this bar and lock your elbows. I bet I can pick you up to." I was game so I grabbed a hold of the bar and when he curled the bar it lifted me up until he was eye level with my chest. I let go and dropping to the floor I stepped back smiling at him speculatively. I gave him a once over. He was five foot seven maybe a hundred and thirty pounds with shoulder length black hair and an earring. When I got done looking him over he leaned close to my ear "like what you see? He asked with a smile.

When we got to where they were having the fireworks there also was a carnival. "I'll see you later" I told them. I knew Debbie and Dennis didn't want me hanging out with them. He didn't like me and the feeling was very mutual. I couldn't stand that guy.

"Mind if I join you?" Randy asked me surprising everyone.

"Sure come on" we had a great time together. We went on the rides, we shared some fried bread dough and a coke. When the fireworks went off he sat in the grass and pulled me down to sit between his legs against his chest. He put his arms around my waist and clasped them over my hips. He didn't make another move as we watched the fireworks exploding in the sky.

When they were over I looked over my shoulder at him and he planted a little kiss on my lips and pulled me to my feet. "Come on we need to find your sister." We found them and we left for home. "Do you want to come in for a few minutes?" Randy asked when we got to his place. They agreed so we went in. He had a pretty nice place. My sister and Dennis had been there before so after offering them a beer he gave me a tour. When he showed me his bedroom he quickly kissed me again. He led the way back to the living room "Do you want a beer?" he asked me as he grabbed one for himself.

"No thanks I don't drink" I told him. We stayed for about an hour. I mostly listened to them talking about people I didn't know and places I had never been. Randy tried to draw me into the conversation. I would smile at him letting him know I appreciated the effort but I stayed quiet, content just to listen.

After we said goodnight and got into the car Dennis said "you sure acted like a little whore tonight hanging all over Randy like that. Do you think that he liked that? He was just being nice to you because your Debbie's sister. He knew we didn't want to be around you." I knew better that to answer him it would only egg him on. So I just sat in silence hoping he was wrong but wondering if he was right.

The phone rang the next afternoon it was Dennis. "Randy wants to know if you will go over to his apartment. He wants to tell you what he thinks of you himself."

"Oh really so your saying that he agreed with you?" I clarified.

"That's right why would you have any doubt? Seriously why would he want to hang out with you?" he said.

"Then why would I want to go over there just to hear that?" I asked ready to hang up.

"Cause if you don't I'm going to make your life miserable until you do and you know I can do it too" he said smugly.

"Fine" I snapped as I hung up. There was no way he was going to upset my mom over this and I knew that he would use her to get to me. My mind was racing as I walked could I have been wrong? Was it really an act to distract me? I don't need this if he starts telling me off I'm out of there. Right as if I could leave if he doesn't want me to. Last night he lifted me as if I were a feather. Okay I'll hear him out and then leave yeah that's what I'll do. I'll treat him as I do Dennis I won't respond to anything he says.

When I got there Randy ushered me in "I'm so sorry I had to use Dennis to call you I didn't know how to get a hold of you any other way." He said right away.

A knot in my stomach that I hadn't even realized was there unfurled. "That's okay." I said "I don't listen to a thing he says anyway."

"What is up with him? Why doesn't he like you? I had to listen to him bad mouth you for ten minutes. Then I had to pretend I was going to yell at you just to get him to agree to call you" he complained.

"We just don't get along. Everyone thinks he's charming except me and he can't stand that. So what did you want?" I asked with a smile.

"You" he said. I walked right into his arms. We made love that afternoon and were inseparable after that. He gave me a key to his apartment and I was there waiting for him every day after work. We would go out to eat, rent videos and just spend time together. He didn't have a drivers' license because he had been caught drunk driving so we walked everywhere. I sure didn't mind. We kept our relationship a secret. I knew my mom wouldn't be happy about it. I knew that I had gotten her to let me date guys in their twenties but Randy was thirty-nine. I didn't think she would be as understanding.

I fell hard for Randy after just three weeks of dating him. I knew I was in love with him when one afternoon on the way to his apartment Ray pulled up beside me. I got into the car and he pulled out as he drove I thought to myself for the first time I don't want to be here with him. I want to be back at Randy's waiting for him to get home. So why am I going as if nothing had changed. Ray broke the silence "you haven't been around lately what's up?"

"I have a boyfriend" I said.

"So you have had boyfriends before and still have had time for me. I haven't seen you in almost a month. So what gives?"

"I love him Ray. I don't want to cheat on him. I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore."

Ray glanced at me "you look serious" he said.

"I am please understand, I don't want to hurt him."

He pulled over "I'll expect you both at the house tonight so I can check this guy out." As I went to get out of the car Ray grabbed my wrist "don't think you just get to walk away. You owe me." When I nodded he let me go and drove away.

When Randy got home that night I drew him into the bedroom and when we came out an hour later I asked "feel like taking a walk tonight?"

"Sure babe where we going?" he asked as he held open the door for me.

As we headed downtown I said "Do you want to meet some of my friends?"

"I'd love to meet some of your friends." I relaxed a little as we walked when we reached Maggie's house I brought him inside. Ray had a weight bench in the middle of the living room and he was lifting weights with Phil.

Randy and I settled down and were talking to Maggie when Ray interrupted "You work out at all Randy?" I couldn't help but smile. Randy was on the small side at only five foot seven but I knew he was deceptively strong.

"Sometimes" Randy said.

"Come try to lift this." Ray said. Randy got up gave me a wink and lay on the bench. Ray stood over the bar ready to help as Randy hefted it off the hooks. He pumped it a few times effortlessly. Ray added more weight and Randy did it again then Ray tried it. They kept adding more weight until they both were straining to push it up.

I went over to Randy "if you strain something the next few days will be awfully boring. I said to him but I looked at Ray.

"Your right I'll stop. He put his shirt on and we were getting ready to go.

"I just remembered I told you I would look at your bike tomorrow" Ray said to me "two o'clock okay?" I couldn't contradict him so I agreed.

When Ray showed up at my house the next day I was waiting "what do you want?"

"Easy honey I want a favor" he stopped talking when my mom came into the room.

"Are you going to actually put this bike back together again? She asked. I had taken the rails and gears off my bike to see how they worked and had been unable to put it back together. I had been mentioning how frustrating it was for months.

"I'm certainly going to try." Ray said. My mom went back into the living room. "First off I want you one last time. You can't deny me that."

"Ray my mom is in the next room you can't be serious" I said desperately.

"I don't care I need you and if you really want me to let you go then I want you right now." So with my mom in the living room he took me then and there. When he was finished he got to work on the bike. He was sitting on the floor chatting and I looked at him and remembered why I loved him. But it was a different love than I felt for Randy. I had never wanted Ray for my own. I watched the way he treated Maggie and I knew I would never tolerate such treatment. I did however love having sex with him. When I was with him he made the whole world disappear. No one else had ever been able to do that for me. Maybe Ray could see that, maybe he realized that I would never feel for anyone what I felt for him and that was why he never cared about my boyfriends.

He waved his hand in front of my eyes. "Have I lost you? Are you listening to me?"

"I'm sorry Ray I was lost in thought. What did you say?"

"I said I need another favor. Like the favor you did for me with Dylan." he said carefully watching my reaction.

"Ray" I started to refuse but he cut in "have you forgotten everything I have done for you. Now that I need you are you going to turn me away?" I remembered how many times he had been there for me when I needed him.

"What do you need?" I asked in resignation.

"It's easy I need you to go see my brother Arnold. He will tell you what he needs. You remember where he lives don't you?"

"Yes I remember. When do you need me to go?"

"Tomorrow and look now you can take your bike." I looked down and sure enough it was back together.

"All done?" my mom asked from the door making us both jump.

When I arrived at Arnold's I was greeted by his wife and children. I was invited inside and we all chatted for a few minutes before his wife said "The kids and I are on our way to my sisters. Feel free to stay and keep Arnold company. I smiled at her as they left.

"I wasn't expecting you until later but that's okay it worked out. Come on downstairs with me. I wasn't sure that you would come."

"Well I'm here so what's going on? Why do you need me today?" I asked.

"My wife has uterine cancer and she is no longer able to do certain things. When I approached Ray about the problem he suggested that I find my own little tail. But when would I have the time? So he offered to lend you to me. He told me that it would only be this once and you have no idea how much I'm looking forward to this." He didn't seem to need me to answer so I just let him talk. I thought it was ironic that he was the one that was nervous. When we finally got down to business he didn't want sex he just wanted a little relief so going to my knees I gave it to him. As I was leaving he handed me forty dollars. "That was what Ray said you would want." Silently I took the money put it in my pocket and left. I was so angry but I wasn't angry at Arnold I was angry at Ray. I knew that he had set this up to make a point and it was a point I understood fully. I was his whore. He had never made me feel like a whore before that day. But I was free from him. It was just Randy now.

When he came home that night as soon as he walked through the door I said "Shower fast honey cause you're going to meet my mom tonight." I wanted it out in the open. When I brought him into the apartment my mom was replanting some of her plants. When I walked in with this obviously older man she just waited for me to begin "mom this is Randy. I'm going out with him." I gave her a hard stare as I said this trying to convey that he was important to me.

"Would you excuse us for a minute" she asked Randy as she got up and dragged me into the bedroom. "That man is too old for you!" She began.

"Mom nothing has changed. This is a courtesy I'm going out with him no matter what. You should get to know him before you freak. So far every guy I have brought home you have objected to. Then after getting to know them you liked them so please just give him a chance."

Looking at me she saw that I meant every word I said so she agreed "fine I will give him a chance but from now on you only see him here in this house while I'm home." I knew she was going to say that so I wasn't surprised. We went back in the living room and Randy had finished replanting my mom's plants. That was a point in his favor. "Randy I'll let you see my daughter here in my house until I get to know you better. If that is okay with you then you have my permission" mom said.

"That is indeed quite alright I understand your reluctance seeing that I'm so much older than your daughter but I love her and I relish the chance to get to know you better. I hope that you will discover that I mean no harm to her and that I will treat her with the utmost respect." Randy said. I loved it he knew how to talk to her almost as good as I did myself.

Randy got a ride back and forth to work from his landlady who happened to be his employers' daughter. She didn't approve of me at all. When he asked her to drop him off at my house after work instead of his she refused. Man was I glad she refused. I had no intention of giving up my routine of meeting him at his house after work. So when he got home the day after our talk with my mom he was not expecting to find me in his bed. When he walked into his bedroom he jumped a foot when I said "hi honey how was your day?"

"You're not supposed to be here" he said anxiously "what if your mom catches us?"

I laughed at him. "First off she doesn't know where you live. Second, I told her you get home two hours after you really do. Relax she is never going to know. As long as I get home ten minutes before you we're good. Now come here." I underestimated my mother's intelligence.

When we walked out of his apartment a little later she was waiting in the car on the curb. "Get in the car the both of you" she demanded. I put Randy in the back because I thought he might be safer there than next to her. "I thought we had a deal." she said looking at me. Then turning to look at Randy she said "you need to stand up to her if I'm going to be able to trust you long enough to get to know you. I know what she is like and I know that she probably surprised you when you got home but you can't let her come over here anymore."

"Mom wait just a second" I said smirking not taking her seriously at all. "How did you know where he lived?" I asked.

"Your sister told me and you can wipe that grin off your face I'm not done with you yet."She said smacking my leg. I rubbed the spot as I laughed at her.

"I can't believe it I was outsmarted by my mother. That got a smile and I knew then that we weren't in any serious trouble. "So how did you know?" I asked.

"I'm not as stupid as you think I am. I knew that you would head up here. So I called your sister and found out that he actually got out of work an hour ago." Man I was going to have to thank my sister. Had she told her the truth that it was actually two hours ago things could have turned out a lot different. "I was going to give you five minutes to come out then I was coming in" she said. I had a hard time not looking at Randy. I put my arm over the seat and grabbed his hand to keep him quiet.

"Okay fine I won't come up here anymore. Can we go?" I said in my best innocent voice. My mom gave me a suspicious look as she started the car. I looked into the back seat. Randy looked like he was going to be sick. I smiled at him and gave him a wink. "Relax honey, mom you better tell him that you're not really angry before the poor guy has a heart attack." I said laughing.

Mom looked in the rear view mirror and started laughing as well. "Just know that you're lucky that you two weren't doing anything you shouldn't. You really would have had something to worry about then." I laughed as Randy only looked sicker. No mom I thought to myself I know that you're not stupid just incredibly trusting.

One day Brad and I were crossing the parking lot behind our apartment building when we saw Ben's truck. Ben was another guy we had to work under at the camp. Nobody really liked him. He was always giving us a hard time. He would go by while we were painting the cabins and tell us it wasn't good enough. He would make us redo the whole thing. If we were clearing paths together having a good time he would separate us. He liked to drink in the bar across the parking lot from my apartment building. "Look Brad that's Ben's truck" I said pointing "now's our chance to get back at him for all the crap he put us through.

"What do you have in mind?" Brad asked. "I don't know what do you think?" I replied. "How about keying his truck, no wait I have a better idea. Do you know how much his tires cost to replace?" Brad said thoughtfully.

"No" I said "how much?" I asked.

"Like five hundred bucks. We should slash his tires. You do have your knife don't you?" I nodded as we ran over to the truck. I pulled out the butterfly knife that I always carried. We waited until there wasn't anybody close by. I rammed my knife into the side of his tire and pulled it back out. The air coming out was louder than we anticipated.

I was handing the knife to Brad to do another tire when we heard "hey you two!" Our heads shot up. There was a guy coming right at us. We looked at each other and ran in different directions. I ran up the alley away from the guy tucking my knife back into my pocket. Brad ran right at him. When I came out of the alley I spotted a cruiser coming down the road so I slowed to a walk. When I met up with Brad a few minutes later he said "I let that guy catch up with me. He owns the appliance store three doors down. He asked me where the other boy had run off to so I told him your name was chuck and you lived uptown. It's a good thing that he didn't get a good look at you. Then I got away from him and ran." We were laughing as we walked past the guys' store.

Time for school was coming fast and when I called to register I was routed to the guidance counselor. "Since you didn't get satisfactory grades in your last school it isn't possible for you to enter the high school." he told me.

I very patiently replied "I explained to the principal last fall about my grades and he said they would let me in anyway."

"I'm sorry but if you want to get into the high school you are going to have to get a recommendation from the local junior high." He told me smugly.

"You can't be serious" I said "I haven't been in a local school for two years and I never finished the year I did do there."

"Well that is the only way that we will consider you for the ninth grade."

I had already turned sixteen I wasn't going to do another year in the eighth grade. I called the principal of the junior high. I explained the situation to him and I told him that I needed his recommendation. "I remember you. Not only the trouble you got into but that you were very clever. Have you curbed that wild side yet?"

"Yes sir" I assured him.

"I think if you apply yourself you can do very well in the high school. You have my recommendation" he said.

I was blown away at the faith he was putting in me. "I will work very hard sir, I promise thank you." I called the guidance counselor the next day. "I have the recommendation that you wanted. Should I bring it up to you?" I asked "That won't be necessary. I have reviewed your records and those of your sisters. I believe that it would be in your best interest to go get your GED if you can. Because we will not enroll you in this school it doesn't appear that you are that much different from your sisters and they were unsuccessful here. So I believe that you will be unsuccessful here as well."

Well I got angry and I was telling him what I thought of him in very unflattering terms when my mom came in the house. When I slammed the phone down she asked "who were you talking to like that?"

"The guidance counselor just told me that they won't admit me into the high school even after all the hoops I jumped through for him" I said angrily.

"Are you absolutely sure that they won't let you in because if they were undecided then we need to work on your people skills" she said sarcastically.

"I'm sure that was what he said. I'm also sure that I'm not going back to school. I will go and get my GED like he suggested but I will not go back to school and you can't make me." I was so angry and my mom knew better than to try to talk to me when I was like that so she didn't say anything.

I went to the YMCA to sign up for GED classes and was told that they would be starting in a month. She gave me a book to study from and I went home. I loved being out of school. I would sleep until three in the afternoon then go meet Randy on his way down to see me. Mom had allowed us to meet halfway. Of course we found some imaginative places to make love. She didn't stop us she just made it a little more difficult which added to the excitement. We would spend a few hours at my house then he would go home. It went on that way for a month or two. I knew she was finally starting to trust him when she started letting us go for walks to the store alone. Soon we were able to go walking around town. It wasn't long after that that she didn't keep track of us anymore. She liked Randy and he definitely had a way of making a person trust him. I went and took the GED test three months later. I didn't study for it at all. I always meant to study but never got around to it. When I got the test results back I was surprised to see that I had done very well. I was a graduate although I declined the ceremony.

I still spent time with Brad when Randy wasn't around. We would ride bikes around and sometimes we would go over to this guy, Jeff's place that Brad knew and sell him cassette tapes that we stole for extra money. He was always watching me and making suggestive comments. He was a creepy little man whom I usually ignored. One day walking with Randy I saw Jeff sitting on a bench on the side of the street. So I nudged Randy "see that guy over there? I asked him.

"Yeah I see him what about him?" Randy asked looking across the street.

"He won't leave me alone he's constantly hitting on me. You should go over there and punch him in the face." I told him.

Randy stopped and looked at me. "Is that what you want me to do?" He asked in a serious voice.

"Yes that's what I want you to do. If you love me you will do it." I said with a grin. We walked across the street.

"I hear you have been hitting on my girlfriend." Randy said then before Jeff could answer he punched him hard in the face.

We walked down the alley and when we were out of sight we ran across the parking lot laughing. When we got to my apartment I flung myself into his arms. You do love me I said still grinning.

"Oh please don't make me gag" Debbie said from behind me. I turned around.

"Hey what are you doing here? I asked her.

"Dennis is at his mom's so I figured I would hang out here" I noticed that she had a bottle of ink and a needle.

"What are you doing?" I asked interested.

"Giving myself a cross tattoo why you want one?" She offered.

"Yeah I want one, Randy and I can get matching crosses on our shoulders. You'll do it, right Randy?" I asked him knowing he would.

"Sure why not? I would do anything for you baby." So Debbie gave Randy and me matching cross tattoos on our right shoulders. Then I asked for a heart on my left shoulder so she did that to.

I showed Ray and Maggie later that week. "I can fill the rest of that heart in for you if you want. I have some red ink." Ray said.

"Sure" I sat down at the kitchen table. He got the ink and sat next to me. He filled it in the same way that Debbie had done it, using a needle and thread. It took over an hour to fill in that tiny heart. When he finished my shoulder was sore but I was happy. The heart looked good and I would forever have a reminder of Ray in the blood of that heart.

Brad and I were watching a movie when Robb came over. We were happy to see him as always. He settled in to wait for Susan to come home. The phone rang a short time later. It was Susan she needed Brad to bring her some books she had forgotten. "I'll be back in twenty minutes or so. Don't watch the next movie without me.

Brad still wasn't back when the movie ended. So I got up to get a drink. Robb followed me into the kitchen. I handed him a glass of lemonade and drank one myself. "You have been awfully quiet today what gives?" I asked him.

"Can I ask you a question?" He asked.

"You just did" I teased him. When he didn't laugh I said "of course you can what is it?"

"What would you say if I asked you for oral sex" he wanted to know. I was disappointed. I had known him for a several years now and I thought for sure he wasn't going to be like that.

"I'd say no" I told him.

"Would it make a difference if I offered you twenty bucks?"

Now I was hurt. "No it wouldn't make a difference" I said then I left. I couldn't believe he had said that. I thought he was different. I didn't want to be around him after that. I was even more hurt when Robb didn't seem to care. I couldn't believe that after years of hanging out he could dismiss our friendship so easily.

CHAPTER 14

As Christmas drew nearer I wondered what I should get for Randy. I wanted to get him something great. Every Friday after work he would bring me a different colored rose. He was always getting me little things. He was so sweet. After looking for weeks I finally settled on a gold chain. I knew that it wasn't much and feeling frustrated I broached the subject after supper while we were going for a walk. "Randy about Christmas, I don't want you to get me anything big. I can't afford to get you something as great as I want to. So you have to limit yourself to."

"You know there is only one thing I really want for Christmas and it doesn't cost anything" Randy said.

"What's that?" I asked.

"I want you to agree to marry me. I want to spend my life with you." He answered looking a little uncertain.

"Are you serious?" I squealed as I threw myself at him.

"More than you know" he stated hugging me hard.

We walked down to the jewelry store and picked out a ring. When he put it on my finger I was so very happy. I was never going to be alone now. When I got home I couldn't wait to show my mom. She wasn't as happy about it as I was. "Don't you think you two are moving way to fast? You have only known each other for five months. That is hardly enough time to get to know one another." She said trying to put the brakes on.

I was having none of it. "I love him that is all that matters. That's never going to change. I have never loved anyone like this before. You have to let me get married. I don't want to wait."

"When were you planning on getting married?" she said with a sigh.

"I don't know but soon. I want to get married soon." I said.

She tried again to reason with me "What is the rush? You are only sixteen. You have plenty of time." I just looked at her I wasn't going to change my mind. "Alright before I give my consent you have to go through premarital counseling with our pastor." She said.

"Deal" I didn't have any problem with that.

I turned to Randy "there is just one thing that you have to do for me if I'm going to marry you."

"What? I would do anything for you. You know that." Randy assured me.

"Good go get a haircut and take out that earring. I have always hated that thing." I told him.

"My earring" he said quietly reaching up to touch it. "I have had an earring since I was seventeen. You really don't like it?" He asked stunned expecting anything but this.

"It has to go Randy. I want my husband to be clean cut and I never thought men should wear earrings in the first place." I wasn't going to back down. If he wanted to marry me they had to go.

"If you really hate them I will get rid of the earring and get a haircut. Why didn't you ever say anything before?" He wanted to know.

"It wasn't my place before. It is now." I said. When Randy had gone to get his hair cut I called our pastor. When I explained to him what I needed we made an appointment for Randy and I to start counseling the very next day. He explained that premarital counseling ran for six weeks.

"Wow Randy you look great" I exclaimed when Randy got back. Even I hadn't realized he was going to look so much different with short hair. "I'm going to have to beat the girls off all the time now." I said to him.

"I feel naked" he said as he ran his fingers through what was left of his hair. I reached up and touched his earring.

"One more to go" I reminded him. He looked pained as he reached up and took it out. He laid it in my hand and I quickly fastened it in my own ear. "There now it will never be too far away." I said.

We began to talk about different dates. "What about Valentines' day?" Randy asked.

"No way" I said "Debbie got married on Valentine's Day and she would kill me if we did to.

"Okay how about the sixteenth instead of the fourteenth then?" He asked "anything wrong with that date?"

"No that's fine with me." So it was settled we would be married two months later on the sixteenth. Since I had no interest in planning a wedding my mom took it from there. She got the dress, she decorated the church, and she chose the song and asked our pastor to sing at the service. The ladies of the church were taking care of the reception.

I had only two jobs to do. Ask my grandfather to walk me down the aisle and call my dad. I called my grandparents that day. My grandmother answered the phone "Hi grandma, can I talk to grandpa for a minute please." I asked politely.

"Why what's up?" she asked.

"I'm getting married in February and I wanted to ask him if he would walk me down the aisle." I told her cringing inside waiting to hear what she would say.

"Aren't you too young to get married?" Was her first question I knew there would be more.

"I don't believe so." I replied.

"Who are you marrying? What's his story?" She wasn't going to let me talk to him until I told her everything so I answered.

"His name is Randy he is a very nice guy I met some time ago."

"How old is he?" I was hoping that she wouldn't ask that question.

"He's thirty nine Grandma and before you say anything I love him and we are getting married." I said hoping to keep the recriminations down to a minimum.

"I suppose your mother is okay with this. She always knew how to make the worst decisions" She began to rant.

"Listen Grandma I don't want to seem impolite but I have an appointment soon and I really need to talk to Grandpa." I cut her off not willing to listen to her opinions on my mom. She finally put him on the phone and with no drama he agreed to walk me down the aisle. I wish he would have been the one to answer the phone.

I hadn't lied about having an appointment. I was supposed to meet Randy's ex. She was going to drop off Randy's son with me since she had to leave earlier than expected. I hadn't met either of them before and I was a little apprehensive about it. I was going to meet Betty downstairs so she wouldn't have to worry about getting the right apartment. I was waiting outside when this really pretty woman and what looked like a ten year old boy pulled up. I knew this was them from the description Randy had given me. I walked up to the car "hi your Keith right." I said to the boy. "I have been looking forward to meeting you" I said as I opened his door. "Come on up we'll wait for your dad upstairs.

Betty looked at me "you have to be kidding. Your Randy's girlfriend?" she asked incredulously. "You can't be much older than my son. You tell Randy to call me tonight okay." She kissed her son goodbye and drove off.

"How old are you Keith?" I asked him.

"I'm twelve" he said. Well she isn't that far off I thought as we went upstairs. Randy is sure to hear about how unsuitable I am tonight when he calls her. Keith and I got along just fine he was a good kid and we had some common interests, imagine that.

I knew I couldn't put off calling my dad any longer if I wanted to beat grandma to it so I dialed his number. "Hi dad" I said when he picked up "how's it going?" I asked stalling.

"I just had an interesting conversation with your grandmother" oh boy I thought she got to him first.

"Dad I was calling to tell you."

I began before he cut me off "tell me what, that your marrying a man as old as I am and your mom thinks this is a good idea."

"Let's leave mom out of this" I said.

"How can you possibly be stupid enough to marry a man that much older than you" he said.

"I'm not stupid" I responded angrily. "You don't know him. You can't tell me that he isn't right for me when not only don't you know him you don't even know me." I yelled into the phone.

"Fine I won't tell you how bad of an idea it is to marry a man so much older than yourself. I also won't tell you that you are making the biggest mistake of your life" he said.

"How would you know it's the biggest mistake of my life you don't know anything about my life." I slammed the phone down and turning to Keith said "don't you ever talk to your dad like that."

I also had to go to court. Since I was a minor I had to get permission from a judge to get married. If he agreed he would declare me an emancipated minor which would legally declare me an adult. I didn't figure it would be any kind of big deal. Then the judge said "how does her father feel about her getting married. Perhaps we should wait until we hear from him."

I looked at my mom in a panic. I knew exactly how my dad felt about it. "Your honor" my mom said "her father hasn't been a part of her life at all in the last fifteen years and he doesn't care what happens here today." With that the judge turned to me "Why do you think that it's in your best interests to get married at this stage in your life?"

"Well sir simply put I love him and he loves me. He brings out the best in me and makes me want to be a better person. I used to be angry all the time and get into trouble. Since meeting Randy I have changed. I'm more caring and aware that other people matter. He encouraged me to finish getting my GED when it became clear that I wasn't going to go back to school. He has tried to be a good influence in my life and I believe that I can enrich his life as well."

"Well you seem to be sure plus you do have the approval of the only respective parent so I grant your petition and I hope that you will be happy together." That was it. I had permission to get married. I couldn't wait. It didn't matter that nearly all my friends thought this was a bad idea. I had the necessary people on my side to move the wedding forward. I had convinced the pastor, the church, the judge, and my mom those were the only ones who mattered. I was hurt that my friends weren't more supportive but I was getting what I wanted.

One afternoon Randy and I were cuddling in bed when he asked "how would you feel about moving after we are married?"

"Moving where?" I asked intrigued.

"My family lives on the west coast and I haven't seen them in awhile. I thought it could be a new start for the both of us." He said.

"Where do they live?" I asked.

"In Oregon" he replied.

"I would love to" I said after thinking about it for my customary three seconds. "When would we move?" I asked getting excited.

"Right after the wedding" he said happily. "We will have such a great time out there" Randy promised pulling me closer. So Randy called his folks and made arrangements for us to stay with his brother. His parents agreed to store whatever we wanted to send out until we got our own place. We began to mail our belongings to his parents' house. Every Friday when he got paid we would mail a couple of boxes.

I was walking down the street when Ray pulled up next to me. I had missed him so I went over to chat. "It's cold out there" Ray said "get in before you freeze." I got in the car. "I haven't seen you in a while" Ray said. "What's been going on?"

I realized that I hadn't been over to their house since Randy and I got engaged. "I'm sorry I haven't been over. I've been super busy." I didn't know how he was going to take my news. "I'm getting married." I told him.

"You're what? You're getting married? Who are you marrying? That long haired guy you brought over a couple of months ago?" He asked horrified. When I nodded he exploded "you have to be kidding your mom is really going to let you marry that guy." When I nodded again he shook his head. "You're making a huge mistake, he isn't right for you. I'll be around when you figure that out."

I had to tell him the rest. "I won't be around." I said quietly.

"What do you mean?" He asked suspiciously.

"Randy and I are moving to Oregon right after the wedding." I said knowing he wasn't going to react well to that.

"How could you do that? How can you move so far away with someone you don't even know? What if it doesn't work out? How will you get home? Have you even thought about this? You haven't changed a bit rushing into things before thinking it through." He asked truly upset.

"Ray" I said putting my hand on his arm "you've taught me how to take care of myself. You have taught me how to handle men and how to get what I need. I'll be fine. I promise. Randy loves me. We're going to make it." I said trying to make him understand.

"I need you" he said with hurt in his voice. "Please just once more before you leave. I love you too, you know." I felt bad that I had hurt him. I nodded. We drove to a little spot overlooking the river. We made love and I said goodbye for the last time. I didn't invite them to the wedding.

The day of the wedding dawned bright and clear. As I got dressed I wondered if Randy was having second thoughts. Alexis came in dressed in her bridesmaid gown. "I feel like I'm going to pop out of this dress if I breathe to deep" she complained. The dress was extremely tight across the chest.

"I didn't pick them" I said laughing "everybody's eyes are going to be on you waiting for you to fall out of that dress." I couldn't stop giggling.

"I think someone is nervous" Danny said as he walked in.

"Daddy don't tease her" Alexis said as I gained control of myself.

"You sure you want to get married?" Danny asked "it's not too late to call the whole thing off."

I went over and standing on tiptoe I kissed him on the cheek. "I'm fine. Randy is upstairs with the other guys. Please just bring him to the church. I know what I'm doing" I said as I sat back down to put the veil on. Danny left to get the guys and drive them to the church. I was going in Alexis' car with her. My sister Rachel was the other bridesmaid and my friend Olga was my maid of honor. "Do I look alright?" I asked Alexis showing my nervousness now that we were alone.

"You look wonderful" Alexis said "if we don't leave soon we are going to be late. Then Randy is going to think you stood him up. That is if dad doesn't convince him to run off to New York or something."

"You don't think he will? Do you?" I asked suddenly unsure if Randy would go through with it.

"If you mean my dad yes I know he is going to try to talk Randy out of getting married. But if you mean do I think Randy will run away no I don't think so" I wasn't relieved. I worried about whether Randy would be there the whole way to the church until I spotted her dad's car.

"Well I guess your dad failed" I said. "Yep time to get this show on the road." Alexis said as she rushed me up the stairs and into the room I was supposed to wait in.

I was only in there for a minute when my grandfather came in. "You look beautiful honey" He said as he kissed my cheek "are you ready to go?" He offered me his arm. I heard the music change and we slowly walked up the aisle. He handed me off to Randy. Pastor Bill gave a short sermon on love and marriage which I didn't hear a word of because I was talking with Randy and Alexis. After the sermon he sang a song which again none of the wedding party paid attention to. Brad was Randy's best man and he was quietly making fun of the ceremony making us struggle not to laugh out loud. When the song was finished we came to attention. Randy and I said our vows, although I did have the objections part omitted. We kissed and we were married. We were introduced as husband and wife. I thought I could never be happier.

The women of the church outdid themselves on the food for the reception. It appeared as though everyone was having a good time. With the exception of course of my grandmother I didn't let her ruin the day however. Randy smuggled in a bottle of vodka and our friends were starting to get a little hammered. I figured that it was time for us to go when Randy came to me and whispered "Brad's drunk we have to get him out of here."

I motioned to Alexis when she came over I said "you have to help Randy get Brad out of here while I distract everyone. Then I will change and join you outside." So Alexis went to stand with Brad while Randy and I stood up to say goodbye. After our speech I stayed in the front while Randy made his way over to Brad and Alexis in the back of the room. "I would like to thank everyone for coming and celebrating with me today. I have felt like you all were my family since I came here and today wouldn't have been the same without all of you." I kept speaking until Brad was out of sight. I ran to change my clothes.

When I got outside I asked Randy "what are we going to do with him?" "Well if he goes home his mom is going to kill him. We are just going to have to take him to the hotel with us." Randy said.

"Are you insane?" I asked "it is our wedding night. How are you going to explain bringing Brad with us? People are going to wonder." I said not at all happy with this plan.

"Honey you're great at thinking up plausible explanations for things I was hoping that you would think of something" Randy said hopefully.

"Fine come on we still have to say our goodbyes." I grabbed Randy and we made a brief appearance in the reception hall to say our goodbyes. When we got to my mom I said "mom can you tell Susan that Brad is going to come with us tonight? I want to spend as much time with him as I can before I leave. I'm going to miss him so much."

My mom gave me a strange look "honey tonight is your wedding night. Don't you and Randy want to be alone?" She asked.

"Its fine mom I have the rest of my life to be alone with Randy. There isn't a whole lot of time left. I'm leaving in a few days." I said hoping that she would buy my explanation. It was the best I could do on such short notice.

My wedding night definitely wasn't what I imagined. Brad drunk and he and Randy still drinking. Playing cards to pass the time wasn't what I had in mind. When we went to bed Brad passed out in the tub. "What possessed you to bring booze to the reception in the first place when so many of the wedding party were underage?" I asked annoyed.

"It was my wedding to and I wanted to have a drink or two." Randy answered trying to undress me.

"Forget it as long as Brad is in this room with us I'm not having sex with you." I declared annoyed.

"Baby he is asleep in the bathroom. He won't know a thing" he argued.

"No" I said as I got into bed fully dressed. "It is not going to happen and you have no one to blame but yourself." Randy gave up and we went to sleep.

I woke up to Brad's face inches from my own "what the" as I pulled back "what are you doing?" I asked irritated.

"Freaking you out" Brad laughed.

"Well it isn't funny." I said crossly.

"What's up with you?" Brad asked.

"Are you serious? You get drunk and crash my wedding night and you want to know what my problem is? Can you be that dense?" I practically shouted at him.

"I'm sorry" he said. "I just wanted to forget that my best friend was getting married and moving away. So I drank too much."

"Forget about it it's alright." I said looking at the clock. "Mom is going to pick us up in an hour. I still have a ton of stuff to do before we leave."

CHAPTER 15

We took the bus to Oregon and a more eventful trip I can't imagine. First we had a blown tire so we spent three hours at a local truck stop while it was fixed. Randy wasn't happy and let everyone know it from the bus driver down to just about every passenger on the bus. I was embarrassed it wasn't as if the driver had blown the tire on purpose, these things happen. On the next bus we sat next to a woman and her baby and that would have been fine except the baby cried for hours at a time. Now I can't stand a crying baby but I will held my tongue and dealt with it, not Randy he repeatedly asked the woman to keep the baby quiet. He was getting more irritated by the mile. When the bus stopped we couldn't get out of the bus fast enough. When Randy went first I offered a sympathetic smile to the tired mom. "Sorry" I mouthed nodding at Randy's back as I followed him out. The trip over the mountains was exciting the scenery was simply gorgeous if not dangerous. We drove by a jackknifed tractor trailer at the top of the pass. We drove through snow and rain as well as sun. It took us three days to drive from the east coast to the west coast.

When we finally arrived Randy's brother and his wife picked us up. They were very nice and Randy was happy to see them. After hugs all around they took us to their home. "It sure is nice of you to let us stay with you for awhile" I said to make conversation.

"Think nothing of it" Bob said looking in the rear view mirror at me "the pleasure is all mine."

I smiled at him as Randy took over the conversation. "What's the job market like right now? Is that job you were telling me about still available?"

"No they filled that position but I'm sure that you will find something. Don't worry about it" Bob assured him.

"What do you do Bob?" I asked interested.

"I'm a gun dealer and I also make custom knives." He said proudly "I make the most widely sought after knives in the state."

Cool I thought I had always liked knives. Randy took my hand "don't you do some logging?" he asked.

"That's right I log up in the mountains to the east of the city. If you want I can take you up there tomorrow and you can see for yourself."

"That would be awesome" I said looking at Randy "we can go can't we?"

Randy laughed "sure we can go."

The next day we drove up dirt roads that had mountain on one side and sheer drop offs on the other. "You have to drive carefully up here" Bob said needlessly. "One mistake and splat" he chuckled. When we got to where he had been working he began to show Randy how things worked while I wandered around looking at everything. The guys hooked up a log and began to winch it down the hill. I was standing off to the side when there was a loud noise and the chain came whizzing by my head. I ducked purely by reflex because the chain would have already removed my head had I been standing three feet to the left.

"Honey are you okay?!" Randy yelled as he and Bob scrambled up the hillside. "Are you okay?" He asked grabbing my arms and looking me over.

"I'm fine" I said pulling away "it missed me by a mile" I exaggerated. Bob decided that it was time to go and when we got down off the mountain they dropped me off at the house and went to fill out some job applications. I was bored stiff in that house with nothing to do. Randy had asked me not to wander around outside because he was afraid I would get lost.

When Randy and Bob came home I dragged Randy into our room "You can't leave me behind anymore. There is nothing to do here. I'm going to go crazy with nothing to do. Please take me with you." I begged him.

"Alright" he said looking at me smiling "I just can't tell you no."

I threw myself into his arms and kissed him "thank you thank you" I said happily.

When they went out job hunting again Randy took me along. I was very quiet sitting in the back reading a book eating a lollipop. Randy was inside filling out an application when I looked up and happened to catch Bob watching me suck on that lollipop. I watched him watching me suck on the candy for a few minutes then I thought let's see how you like this as I suddenly bit into it. Bob flinched before he could catch himself and his eyes flew up to meet mine in the mirror. We stared silently for a moment then I grinned and went back to reading my book. Randy came out shortly after and we went on to the next place.

When Randy had gone inside Bob spoke "I hope I didn't embarrass you before."

I slowly lifted my eyes to his. "You didn't" I said with a knowing smile. "I don't embarrass easily" I told him.

"That's good" Bob said. "When you got off the bus with Randy I asked myself what is Randy trying to do to me? You interested in fooling around when my brothers not around?" He asked.

"Why would I do that?" I asked.

"I can please you in ways my brother can't" he said arrogantly.

"Oh really, you think so do you" I flirted. I wasn't really interested in fooling around but I had to admit it was exciting.

Over the next few weeks Randy was called in for many interviews. Since Bob had gone back to work in his workroom Bob's wife was the one who brought Randy to his interviews. The longer Randy went without work the more withdrawn he became until not only wasn't he talking to me he wasn't touching me either. We hadn't made love in a month and I was getting more frustrated by the day.

I was sitting on the couch reading a book when Bob came out of his workroom. "How's it going?" He asked on his way to the kitchen.

"Oh just fine" I said.

"You look kind of lonely" he said when he came back in.

"Where is everyone?" He asked.

"They just left for another interview then they are going to go shopping." I told him.

"Poor Randy" Bob laughed "She can shop for hours." his voice trailed off as he looked at me. "Are you lonely?" he asked. I knew what he was asking.

"Yeah I am" before I had even finished saying the words he was kissing me. He led me back to his bedroom and we made love with an intensity that I had almost forgotten. It was more excitement than I had had for weeks. When our spouses returned we acted as if nothing had happened. From that day on we would get together whenever they left the house.

"We are moving up to my folks place." Randy told me one day when we were home alone. "There's no work here."

"Okay babe I know you will find something" I said trying to be supportive. "When are we going?" I asked.

"Today get our things together." he said. He gave me a quick kiss and I went to gather up everything. His folks showed up before anyone returned so we left them a note thanking them for their hospitality and all their help. Randy's folks didn't really like me although they were polite. We stayed with them for three weeks before Randy landed a job putting stripes on RVs. The job was in a small town about an hour away from his folks. We moved into a motel and he went to work.

There still wasn't much for me to do. I spent my days walking around getting acquainted with our new town. On my journeys I came across a little Baptist church. That Sunday I convinced Randy to go to services. After church was over everyone was so nice we were invited to several people's homes for lunch. We accepted the invitation of a very nice woman Vera, and her husband Han. We spent a very pleasant afternoon getting to know them. Vera took me under her wing and from that day on most days was spent with her going to bible study or helping around her house. I was beginning to settle in.

Randy wasn't very happy with his job. "I used to build cars now I just put stripes on rich men's toys" he would say. He was resentful that he had to take a job that was beneath him. He also was resentful that he didn't make enough to get us out of the motel. He wanted an apartment but after paying the motel rent and buying food it was going to take forever to save enough to get our own place.

I was telling Vera about Randy's frustration and somehow it made the rounds in the church and one of the elderly ladies of the church came over to Randy. "Young man my name is Stella, it has come to my attention that you are trying to save money for an apartment. Is this right?" She asked him.

"Yes ma'am that's true" he said carefully.

"Well it has occurred to me that if you're living at the motel that it must be pretty near impossible to save money." She pressed.

"Well it's not easy but we're managing" he replied.

"Well I would like you and your wife to come and stay with me until you have enough to get an apartment." She declared as if daring him to refuse. After some back and forth Randy agreed and we moved in with her.

We were there several weeks and she really took a shine to Randy. She was always trying to teach me how to be a proper wife. She wanted to teach me how to sew and cook but I didn't feel that I needed to learn how to do those things. She made his lunch, cooked him supper, made him little snacks and deserts, and she fixed his clothes if they needed it. As long as she was doing it already why should I have to learn?

Vera came to me one day "there is a man in the church that manages an apartment building and he has an apartment available he is also willing to wave the last month's rent. The church is willing to put up the security deposit if you have first month's rent you could move in this weekend."

I was overjoyed and I knew Randy would be excited so I said "I know we have the money I can get it right now and surprise Randy when he gets home." I said.

"If you're sure he won't mind your doing this without him. I can take you over to look at the place right now." Vera said getting excited as well.

"Let's go" I said heading for the door. We drove over to the apartment building and I was pleased to see that it was even closer to Randy's work than we were before. The apartment was really nice and I gave the guy the first month's rent then and there.

He gave me the key and said "you can move your stuff in this weekend. I smiled at him and didn't reply. I wasn't about to mention that we didn't really have any stuff to move in just clothes and some knick knacks that we had mailed out.

Vera and I drove back to where I was staying when I went to get out of the car Vera put her hand on my arm. "You two don't have much do you?" She asked concerned.

"We will be just fine Vera, we have each other and that's all we need." I said smiling happily. "We have an apartment. Finally it's going to be just him and me." Vera nodded smiling at my enthusiasm.

"I'll see you tomorrow" she said. I waved as she drove away.

When Randy came home I waited impatiently for him to get out of the shower. "Honey, you are never going to guess what I found for us today?" I said trying hard not to sound too excited.

"What's that?" Randy asked wearily as he sat down to eat.

I held the key up "I got us an apartment!" I almost shouted I was so excited.

"You did what?" Randy asked quietly.

"I got us an apartment" I said with far less enthusiasm. "I thought you would be happy?"

Randy got up from the table and pulled me into the bedroom "just how did you pay for this apartment?" He asked suspiciously.

"We had enough for the first month's rent the manager waved the last month's rent and the church paid the security deposit." I said uncertainly. "What's wrong? Don't you want our own apartment?"

"Of course I want our own apartment But, right now I'm more interested in how you got the manager to wave the last month's rent" he said.

"I didn't Vera did. She came to me with this deal so I jumped on it. Was I wrong?" I asked looking at him in confusion.

"No babe you weren't wrong" he said finally smiling. "Can we go look at the place after supper?" He asked.

"Yeah I have the keys" I told him "you're going to love this place."

When we got there Randy slowly looked around he turned and smiled. "It's great" he said "you did a great job." Randy was sorry to leave Stella's home but as we packed our clothes I couldn't help but be relieved to be leaving. She always made me feel like a complete failure just because I didn't cook or do the other hundred things a proper wife was supposed to do.

Our first night in our new apartment Randy wanted to celebrate so we walked down to the market and he bought a case of beer. I got a six pack of coke. We also picked up a few groceries things that didn't require any cooking or dishes mostly sandwich fixings and chips. Randy got very drunk that night and it was the first time I had ever seen him that way but I didn't mind. After all we had something to celebrate we made love on the floor that night and cuddling together we fell asleep. Randy had gone to work when I woke up.

I cleaned the kitchen and put the trash in one of the plastic store bags and took it out. While I was outside Vera pulled up. "Good morning how was the first night in your new apartment?" She asked.

"It was fantastic." I said walking over to her car. "What's up?"

I wondered if she was going to want to come in and how would I explain the still empty apartment. "Come on the girls and I want you to come to lunch." She said.

I got in the car and we drove to her house where there were already several other cars. "Wow how many of the ladies are joining us today?" I asked usually there were only two or three church ladies at these lunches.

"Wait and see" she said mysteriously. When we got inside it was dark "surprise!" everyone yelled as they flipped on the light. There were at least fifteen ladies there and a table full of gifts.

"What's going on?" I asked "It's not my birthday.

"This is a housewarming party" one of the ladies said drawing me into the center of the room.

"We wanted to do something nice for you and your husband but we didn't know what another lady chimed in.

"Then Vera mentioned that you couldn't have brought many things with you" said a third.

"So we decided to go through the things we had at home and give you the essentials for starting a home" finished Vera as she hugged me. I didn't know what to say I had never seen such generosity before. I was speechless and as I began to open boxes to find pots and pans, dishes, towels, washcloths, paper towels, cleaning supplies, and cards with promises of furniture a couch, a table and chairs, an easy chair and most importantly a bed and all to be delivered that afternoon with help to set it up. I was speechless. It was too much I didn't know how to respond to such selfless generosity. I was more used to people helping when there was something in it for them.

After thanking everyone Vera took me home. Almost immediately people started arriving to drop off furniture. The table and chairs came first then the living room furniture. Between loads Vera was helping me put away all the other things I had been given. The bed arrived next and the man who delivered it brought his tools and set it up for me. After putting the mattresses on he departed.

Then Stella showed up with a big box in her arms. I hurried down the stairs to take it from her. As I took it she said "it is up to you to take care of your man now. I wanted you to have these things." She got back in her car and drove away. I shrugged as I went upstairs.

"Was that Stella?" Vera asked. She knew how living with Stella had made me feel inadequate.

"Yeah she gave me this box and left." I said.

"Well let's see what she gave you." We opened the box and pulled out this beautiful handmade quilt with matching sheets and pillowcases.

"Oh I can't believe how pretty this is" Vera sighed. I didn't say anything but I was feeling guilty for not being nicer to her. Vera and I made the bed and as I looked around I wondered how I got to be so lucky as to find these people.

I said as much to Vera and she told me "God led you to us. There is no doubt in my mind that God has some special plan for you. He takes very good care of you. If you follow him he will continue to do great things for you." That sounded okay to me if God wanted to help make my life easier then I was willing to let him. It's not like I was doing anything to warrant such attention. But God loved me after all. Maybe this was how he treated everyone.

After I thought about it for a minute I said "I'm glad that he is looking out for me" and I let it go at that.

I was waiting outside on the steps when Randy came home. He lowered himself to the steps next to me and sliding his arm around my shoulders asked "how did your day go?" as he gave me a kiss.

I gave him a big smile "come and see." I took his hand "close your eyes" I said teasingly. He closed his eyes humoring me. I led him inside stood him so he could see the living room and kitchen "okay you can open them."

Randy opened his eyes and then shaking his head opened them again. "Where did all this stuff come from?" He wanted to know.

"The women from church threw me a housewarming party. Now I know that none of this stuff is new but they wanted to help and I didn't have the heart to tell them no." I said quickly. "Come look what Stella gave us." I pulled him into the bedroom and showed him the quilt. "Isn't that the prettiest thing you have ever seen?" I asked rubbing the wrinkles out of the bed.

"I can't believe that you did this all in one day" he said nearly as overwhelmed as I was.

"Vera helped" I said.

Randy put his arms around me "I'm glad that you're making friends. I'm glad that you're happy here" he said.

"I'm happy where ever you are" I told him.

When we got to church that Sunday Randy went up to Vera and gave her a big hug. "I can't thank you enough for the things you have done for me and my wife." She was tickled that he came to her when he had always been reserved around everyone. He stood up with the pastor "I want to thank everyone for the helping hand they have extended to my wife and I. Neither of us will ever forget it." He sat down as people smiled and offered encouragement loudly. I held his hand through the sermon lost in thought of how good my life was.

For awhile everything remained the same I spent my days reading and cleaning the apartment waiting for Randy to come home. Vera had gone to be with her daughter who was going to have a baby. So I was at loose ends. Randy and I would walk down to the market every night so he could get a case of beer. It didn't occur to me to protest how much he was drinking. One Saturday afternoon we were out for a walk when we passed a garage sale. Randy noticed a couple of ten speed bicycles. "Do you want to get a bike?" He asked me.

"Yeah let's check them out." I said. We looked them over and Randy bought them. We rode every night after that.

I often rode during the day ranging farther and farther. I was getting to know the town pretty well. I was coming home from the market one afternoon when I spotted a dog in his yard. I stopped to pet him when his owner came out "his name is Duke" he said as he sat on his porch.

I patted the dog for a few minutes before I said "he's great I love dogs." I smiled at him.

"Why don't you come up and sit a spell." I went up on the porch and introduced myself.

"Well sit down little lady. My name is Charlie." We chatted for awhile and he was interesting and funny. I found out that he had six sons but none of them lived close by. He was very lonely. Most days he went without talking to anyone other than Duke. He had lived in his house for nearly fifty years but hadn't really gotten to know his neighbors because there was a new neighbor every couple of years, mostly young couples that couldn't be bothered with an old man. After about an hour I got up to go home.

"It was nice meeting you Charlie" I said "I hope I see you again sometime."

Charlie answered "you come back anytime. It is nice having someone to talk to." I knew I would go back. I was lonely also.

That night when Randy came home I was telling him about Charlie and his dog. We walked to the market like always and on the way back I saw Charlie on the porch. "Come on Randy I want you to meet him" I said pulling him by the hand. I didn't understand his reluctance.

"Hey Charlie, this is my husband that I was telling you about. Randy this is Charlie." As the two men shook hands I said "and this is Duke." I squatted down to crone sweet nothings at the dog. I looked up and both men were looking at me funny. "What, he understood what I said" I said defensively making them both laugh. We stayed for a few minutes then headed home. I was talking a mile a minute about how cool Charlie was and how he had done this and how he thought that. The next few nights were the same I would go visit Charlie during the day and tell Randy all about it that night.

The more I talked about Charlie the more Randy drank. The more Randy drank the quieter he became. Until one night he said angrily "I don't want you to see Charlie anymore."

"What but why not?" I asked confused.

"Because you're my wife and I'm sick of coming home every night after work and hearing all about your day with another man." Randy shouted.

"He's my friend and I'm going to spend time with him. But I won't talk about it anymore okay." I replied.

"Are you sleeping with this guy?" Randy accused.

"He is eighty years old if he's a day. Why would I sleep with him when I have you" I said trying to calm him down.

He was getting really worked up. Randy pushed me back into a wall "you are my wife and you are going to do what I tell you to." He yelled in my face.

"Okay honey" I told him just to get him to stop yelling. I had never seen him like this.

"You're not going to go down there again right?" Randy asked.

"No babe I won't go down there anymore." I assured him.

"Good let's go to bed" He smiled and tried to lead me to the bedroom.

"I'm not in the mood tonight" I pulled back.

"You're coming to bed" Randy snarled at me as he yanked me into the bedroom behind him.

"Let me go Randy if I don't want to go to bed I don't have to" I cried trying to pull away. Randy turned and slapped me hard. As I cradled my cheek he threw me on the bed, crawled in next to me and after throwing his leg over mine pinning me to the mattress he passed out. I waited to be sure that he was really asleep and I eased out from under him and quietly went into the living room. I curled up at the end of the couch and cried. I didn't know what had just happened. I didn't want him mad at me but if I didn't have someone to talk to during the day I would go crazy. I decided that I wasn't going to let him keep me from seeing Charlie. I would just have to keep it quiet.

Randy woke me the next morning "why are you sleeping out here?" He asked.

"I didn't want to disturb you" I said. "I woke up early and couldn't go back to sleep right away. So I came out here and must have dozed off." I explained hoping he wasn't going to get mad.

"Okay I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about last night I overreacted" he said. I felt a moment of hope that I wouldn't have to sneak around to see Charlie. "Now we understand each other. If you do the little things that I ask you to it shouldn't happen again." The hope died.

As he walked into the kitchen to get his lunch ready I tried anyway "don't you think that you overreacted about Charlie? I mean what's the harm in me being friends with him."

Randy came to the doorway scowling, "you're not going to start that again are you? I thought we finished that last night" he said.

"We did I was just hoping you had changed your mind." I said quickly not wanting him to get angry again. When he left for work I sat and thought about whether or not seeing Charlie was worth fighting over. Charlie has no one I thought, he is a lonely old man and there is nothing wrong with being friends with him. I can't believe Randy is being such a jerk about this. He can't really think that there is anything going on between us. I like Charlie and he's going to be hurt if I stop coming by. Maybe I can gradually stop going over there. Stop spending all day there and just stop by. Yeah that will work. Then Charlie won't wonder what happened. He will just think that I got busy. But what am I going to do for the rest of the day. I guess I'll just go back to riding my bike around.

I took my bike and rode around after a few hours then I rode over to Charlie's to visit. For about an hour we sat on the porch and he told me stories of how the world used to be. "I have to get going" I said when he finished a story.

Charlie looked surprised "what's up got a hot date?" Charlie asked.

"No I told some of the ladies over at the church that I would come by and help out today. But I wanted to come see you first." I lied as I climbed back on my bike. I waved as I rode away. I felt horrible about having to leave like that and angry at Randy for being a jerk about this. That night when Randy came home I put his supper in front of him and walked into the living room and sat down to read a book.

"What are you doing?" Randy asked. "Aren't you eating?"

"No I'm not hungry" I snapped at him still angry. "I don't really want to be around you right now" I said to him.

"Why what did I do?" Randy asked getting irritated.

"You know what you did. I may have to stay away from Charlie but I don't have to like it." I said as a few tears fell.

"You ungrateful little I give you everything. I work my butt off in a job I hate so that we can stay here and you're going to cry because I don't want you hanging around other men. Well to damn bad deal with it." He yelled. He stormed out of the house and I was left sitting there feeling chastised. What right do I have to get angry with him I thought maybe he is right. Maybe I shouldn't be hanging out with other men even older ones. I better apologize when he comes home.

When Randy came home he had a case of beer and it was obvious that he had already drunk quite a few. "There she is my brat bride. You're never happy unless your cheating on me are you?" He slurred.

"Randy I have never cheated on you."

"Liar" he yelled. "I know that you cheated on me with Ray. Brad told me before we got married he thought I should know. How could you do that to me?" He cried. He sank down in the chair and said "I was willing to marry you anyway but it will not happen again."

"Randy I'm sorry that you found out that way. It'll never happen again I promise." I said begging him to believe me.

"You're only sorry that I found out. You were never going to tell me were you my deceitful little wife?" Randy said.

"Randy"

"Shut up I don't want to hear your voice. You will not be alone with any other man. Do you understand me?" He was shouting at me. I stayed quiet sensing that if I said anything else he was going to snap. Randy sat there drinking as we watched television. When he got up for bed he stopped at my chair "let's go" he said. I got up without speaking and preceded him into the bedroom. I made love to him on auto pilot and for the first time he wasn't concerned with anything but his own gratification. I felt like I deserved this treatment so I didn't say anything. When he was done he rolled over and went to sleep.

Over the next few months my visits with Charlie dwindled down. I was seeing him once or twice a week now for an hour or two. I was sitting on his porch one afternoon when I saw Randy walking up the street. My first instinct was to hide but he had already seen me. "Charlie" Randy said as he walked up to the porch "how's it going?"

I prayed that Charlie wouldn't say anything about my previous visits. "Good good" Charlie said "enjoying your wife's visits as usual."

I was dead I knew just by looking at Randy that he was furious although if you didn't know him you couldn't tell. "Yes, my wife is a surprising woman isn't she?" Randy said with a glance in my direction.

"I enjoy her company I miss the time when she used to come over every day" Charlie remarked. I could have kissed him. I don't know if he had picked up on the tension or what but he said "I have hardly seen her the past three weeks. Stops by for a minute or two then she is off again."

"That's too bad but she has gotten very busy lately. You understand how it is I'm sure." Randy said.

"I think I'm starting to" Charlie answered looking straight at me.

I forced a smile "well we really should be going" I said. I grabbed my bike and walking beside Randy we headed for home. "Honey I can explain" I began but Randy cut me off "not one word until we get home." He didn't say another thing all the way home.

The minute the door closed behind us he turned and slapped me hard across the face. "You little sneak. I get home early from work today and where do I find you. The very place you promised me you would stay away from. What were you doing there?" He demanded.

"I couldn't just stop going over there I would have hurt his feelings. So I was gradually working down to it" I told him.

"You couldn't huh I don't believe that you even tried. I don't for a second believe that old man. You have been spending every day over there haven't you?" He screamed. I had never seen him this angry. He slapped me again "haven't you?"

"No Randy I haven't been over there very much at all" I said crying. "I was there for about ten minutes when you walked up. I swear" I said.

"I don't believe you" Randy said. "You are not to leave this house again without me with you. If you do I will know and you will regret it." I was crying too hard to talk so I nodded. "Stop your bawling and answer me" He said as he slapped me again.

"Yes I understand" I said trying to stop crying.

"I will not put up with your tears. You only use them to try to make me feel bad it isn't going to work. Don't ever cry around me or I will give you a reason to cry that you will never forget.

I stayed home the next day and the next. I was going stir crazy locked up this way. As the days went by little by little I lost the fear of what would happen if I went out. Then one night Randy came home from work. "I put in my two weeks' notice today. Start packing we are going back to Massachusetts. I talked to my old boss and got my job back. I have talked to Dennis and Debbie and we are going to be staying with them for the time being. I have also called the church and donated everything here as soon as we leave." He told me as he sat down to eat supper.

I was shocked the only question I could think to ask was "when are we leaving?"

"As soon as I'm done at work two weeks I'll buy the train tickets then. Pack only the things that you can't live without. We are traveling light. Two bags apiece are all we are bringing." He went back to eating his supper as I sat there in shock. I didn't mind going back to Massachusetts but live with Dennis and Debbie.

"Randy, how long do you think we will be staying with my sister?" I timidly asked.

"Until I can trust you I explained the situation and they've agreed to help keep an eye on you." He said blandly as if he hadn't just humiliated me.

"You can't be serious." I said. "I don't need anyone to keep an eye on me."

Randy looked up from his food and pinned me with a glare. "I'm very serious and if you think that your sister is going to object to my methods to contain you think again. She thinks I need to be harder on you." He informed me. Great I thought, now I have to deal with all three of them watching my every move. But they all work during the day so it shouldn't be too bad.

When Randy left for work the next morning I left the apartment and hurried down to Charlie's house. I prayed to God that Randy wouldn't find out but I had to say goodbye. Charlie was sitting on his porch when I hurried up the walk. He came to his feet as soon as he saw me "Girl you are a sight for sore eyes. I didn't know if I was ever going to see you again. It's your husband that doesn't want you over here isn't it?" He asked as he gave me a hug.

I smiled at him sadly "after today you're not ever going to see me again" I told him "Randy is moving us back to the east coast. We are leaving in two weeks. I'm sorry that I haven't made it down before now."

"Now don't you worry about that you have to do what your husband tells you. I understand that. Hell I'm even flattered that he feels I'm a threat. I'm sure going to miss you though. I want you to remember he is moving you back not only to his home but to yours. If things get out of hand you will have people there that can help you. Don't be afraid of asking for help." Charlie told me.

"I wish I could stay but I have to get back. I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye." I told him. After giving him and Duke one last hug I hurried away. There was one last thing I wanted to do before going home.

I hurried to the church where I hoped that a certain secretary was working as I approached her I said "Hi Trudy, I don't know if you've heard but my husband and I are moving back home. I have a favor to ask of you." I quickly explained about visiting Charlie and how he was going to be very lonely now that I was leaving. "So you see he needs someone to go over and sit and visit with him and I just know that you are the perfect person for the job. You could visit him during your lunch hour. He lives right around the corner. If you come for a walk with me now I can introduce the two of you before going home." I said quickly crossing my fingers that she would agree. I just knew that they were perfect for one another. Both their spouses had died. They were both lonely. I had toyed with the idea of getting them together before and was trying to think of a way to do it without them catching on that I was match making. This was the perfect opportunity.

"Um okay sure if you think I can be of some help then I will gladly come and meet your friend. We walked over to Charlie's and he was still sitting on the porch.

"Give me a second" I said having her wait as I hurried up the walk.

"Charlie I need a favor and I don't have much time that is my friend Trudy. I have been visiting with her over the last few months. She is very lonely since her husband died and she has no kids. Do you think that you could keep her company when I'm gone?" I asked hopefully.

"Sure thing" he said looking at her. I beckoned for Trudy to come up to the porch.

I made the introductions and then said "Charlie you don't mind walking her back to the church do you. I have to get home."

Charlie gave me a smile "I have to walk Duke anyway I'll be delighted to walk with Miss Trudy. I left them talking like old friends and hurried home. I had a feeling that I wouldn't have to worry about Charlie anymore. Wishing there was some way I could know if they ended up together.

CHAPTER 16

Two weeks later Randy and I were at the train station starting our journey home. When we bought the tickets the ticket seller explained that there was likely to be a rail workers strike when we hit Chicago and that the trains could be shut down. He didn't charge us for our tickets from Chicago to Massachusetts because of the likelihood of that strike. Randy was impatient to get on the train so he wasn't really listening to what the guy was saying. I figured that I would worry about if and when it actually happened.

We boarded the train and found our seats. A few hours into the trip Randy began to complain about everything. The seats were uncomfortable, they were to close together he couldn't stretch his legs, and he couldn't even rest because everyone made to much noise. I got up to use the bathroom and to get away from him for a few minutes. "Where you going?" he asked.

"Bathroom" was all the explanation I gave. I went down to the end of the train and sat in an empty seat. I watched the scenery fly by and thought how pretty it all was. I noticed a rail map on the seat next to me so I picked it up. I was looking at all the stops we would be making and one certain stop caught my eye. I wonder if that is anywhere near where dad lives I thought. Maybe I could get off the train there without Randy knowing and stay with my dad.

"There you are" Randy said "I wondered where you had gone. What are you doing way up here? He asked. Noticing where I had the map open to he said "not planning to run away are you? I will always find you. I will never let you go, never."

"I was just wondering if it was near where my dad lived. Maybe we could stop for a visit?" I said hopefully.

"We don't have time this trip honey but I promise that we will come back to visit him some day. Come on back to our seat. I was lonely without you." Randy said dashing any hope of sneaking off the train. When we stopped near where my dad lived Randy was right there holding my hand telling me how great it would be when we got home. How everything was going to be different. He assured me that he was sure that we wouldn't have to stay with my sister for very long at all.

When we got to Chicago sure enough the train workers went on strike. All the passengers were given hotel rooms and a plane ticket out the next day. We were also given taxi vouchers and money for meals. The railroad had thought of everything. I was excited I had never been on a plane before and was looking forward to it. Randy however was berating any railroad employee that had the misfortune of having to go by us. I tried to intercede "Randy it is fine they have more than made up for the inconvenience. We are even going to get home faster this way." He didn't care he continued to complain all the way to the hotel. The next morning in the taxi on the way to the airport we heard that the strike was over. That got him complaining all over again. He didn't stop until we boarded the plane. I thought it was great fun. Turned out he didn't like flying.

Dennis met our flight and I listened to him and Randy talking until I fell asleep. When we got to Dennis' house Debbie was there with a cold case of beer. Soon all of them were drinking and Randy was describing Oregon to them. Then they started discussing me like I wasn't even there. "I start work Monday I don't want her going anywhere while I'm at work." Randy said.

"We all have to work but my neighbor will tell me if she leaves the house. She is the nosiest woman in the neighborhood and I will know the second she sees her." Debbie assured Randy. I felt like a prisoner. I just hoped that we wouldn't be living here long. For a week I stayed in the house. I was bored stiff with nothing to do. Randy wouldn't hear of me getting a job and I wasn't allowed to go visit anyone.

I observed the neighbor leaving one day so I decided this was as good a time as any to leave the house. So I went for a walk. I had no destination in mind I just wanted to get out. I walked until I came to the cemetery that Robb, Brad and I used to walk in. I walked over and sat on the bench we had sat on and thought how much different my life was then. I eventually walked down to the lake.

As I walked around the lake I noticed a group of cars over to one side. When I got closer I recognized one of the cars as belonging to my mom. I made my way over to them and walked up between my mom's car and a truck. "Hey mom what are you doing down here?" I asked her.

"Talking with my friends, everyone this is my daughter." She introduced me to her friends that she had made while talking on the CB. Out of all the friends my mom made on the CB over the years two of the ones here were going to be important to me. She introduced everyone with their CB names. "This is Lucky and those two are the Minute and Dove. And last but not least that is Devil over there.

"Why do they call you the Minute? Is it because you're done in a minute?" I teased making everyone laugh.

"You guessed it" his girlfriend said making it known that he belonged to her. "He only needs a minute to make me happy."

I acknowledged the warning with a small nod of my head and a smile. "How about you do they call you Lucky because you're always getting lucky?" I turned to the older man standing against my mom's car.

"You got it honey still getting lucky after sixty years." He laughed.

"What about me got any cute questions about me?" Devil asked.

"I can already tell you're a devil so why ask you to confirm it?" I laughed at him. I was having a good time talking and joking around with these guys. I did learn their real names that day The Minute was Brent, Brent's girlfriend was Sheila. Lucky was Greg. And Devil was Luke.

I looked at my watch realized that it was getting late "mom can you give me a lift to Debbie's? They are all going to be home soon." We said our goodbyes and mom brought me back to the house. We were sitting there talking when Dennis and Randy pulled up. Randy came walking over "please just tell him you stopped by for a visit don't say anything about me being down at the lake?" I asked quickly.

When Randy leaned in the car window and gave me a look my mom said "Hey Randy how have you been?" "Not bad" Randy said "what are you ladies up to?"

"I stopped by to talk but my leg is bothering me so we sat in the car" mom told him guilelessly.

"Well I hope your leg feels better. I have to go grab a shower. Coming babe?" He asked making it clear he wasn't going anywhere until I had gotten out of the car.

I smiled "yeah I'm coming" I got out of the car then leaned back into the window "thanks" I said quietly then louder "thanks for stopping by. I'll see you soon."

"How long was she here for?" Dennis asked as soon as I got inside.

"None of your business" I told him.

Randy smacked the back of my head "I want to know too."

"She was here for a few minutes. What is the big deal? Am I not allowed to speak to my mother now? Last time I looked she wasn't a man." I said as I walked away.

Randy came after me grabbing my arm he warned me. "You're going to push me to far one of these days."

"I need some freedom Randy you can't keep me locked up all the time. At least let me go for walks" I begged. "I promise I won't go over to anyone's house I'll just walk down through the cemetery and around the lake and back." I knew I was taking a chance giving him a location but I felt sure he wouldn't let me out without one. And if he ever came looking I wanted to be right where I said I was going to be "Please Randy."

"Okay fine you may take your walks but if I go looking for you and your not there. I think you know what is going to happen." I didn't care I had permission to leave the house.

Three or four times a week I would go down and meet mom and her friends down at the lake. I was leaning against mom's car one day when across the lake I saw Randy walking. I excused myself and went to meet him. I was hoping that he wouldn't give the cars a second look. He didn't see me until I came around the final curve in front of him. I was pretending to look down but I was watching him to see if he had spotted me by the cars. "Hey hon" he said when I got close.

Still pretending I snapped my head up as if I hadn't seen him until that moment I smiled "Hi looking for me?" I asked as I took his hand and turned him to walk with me.

"Yeah I got in a fight with your stupid sister. She wants more money every week for us staying there. She is crazy it's not worth it. I figured we could go look at this apartment that I saw. It has a sign in the window saying for rent. Want to check it out? It isn't far from here" Randy said.

"Let's go" I was definitely interested in my own place.

We walked over to the apartment and the owner just happened to be there. He showed us the apartment and it was fully furnished. It was perfect for us. Randy having just cashed his check gave nearly the whole thing to the landlord and we got the keys. "Come on let's go get our things" Randy said.

Dennis and Debbie were angry when we went back and Randy didn't give them any money. "We got our own apartment so we're leaving" Randy informed them.

"When are you leaving?" Debbie wanted to know.

"Right now" Randy told her. We gathered our things and left. I was so very happy to be out from under their roof. Things were bound to be better now. Or so I thought. Actually things got worse. Randy was paranoid about me cheating on him. He questioned me every day about where I had gone and who I had been with. Most days when he came home he had already been drinking.

One day while visiting down at the lake mom's friends wanted to go out to eat. Mom insisted that I join them "I'll pay for your lunch" she said. "You have to come." I gave in and we went to a local restaurant. I sat between mom and Sheila. Brent Frank and Luke sat across from us. We had a laugh when we girls knew what we wanted but the fellows just couldn't decide. We had a wonderful lunch and when we were done mom gave me a ride home.

When Randy came home he said "I have a surprise for you I'm taking you out to dinner tonight." I smiled and walked out the door he was holding open for me. I was excited that he was in a good mood and looking forward to a nice night together. We walked downtown and my stomach knotted up when he indicated the restaurant I had gone to earlier.

"Babe why don't we eat somewhere else" I said.

"Nonsense we're here and I'm hungry" so we sat down. I just hoped that the waitress had already gone home.

No such luck "back again?" the waitress said. I just smiled weakly. "Well I'll be right back to take your order. This guy looks hungry. Hopefully he is more decisive than the guys you were with this afternoon." She said.

Randy looked like he had swallowed a thundercloud. "Randy it isn't what you're thinking. There was a group of us including my mother. They were her friends. I ran into the group of them and when mom mentioned I was her daughter they invited me to join them for lunch. I sat between mom and another lady. I said my eyes pleading with him not to make a scene. The waitress walked by and Randy stopping her and ordered a drink. He didn't say anything about the lunch but drank steadily through supper.

As soon as we got home and he shut the door carefully behind him he whirled around and stalked toward me. "You have made me look like a fool again. That woman knew you were screwing around on me" Randy yelled.

"But I'm not. I haven't screwed around on you at all." I said backing away.

"Liar" he said as he pounced. He wrapped his hands around my throat and slammed me into the front door. With a strangle hold on my neck he lifted me until my toes were barely touching the floor. "I should kill you right here and now for playing around on me." He whispered into my ear. He drew back to look in my eyes and the fear he saw there must have reassured him because he slowly let me down and loosened his hold.

As I dragged air into my starved lungs he began to kiss the side of my face. He tilted my face up and kissed me passionately. I pushed at his chest still trying to catch my breath. He only became more aggressive pushing his body against mine he kissed me as his hands slid over my body. He moved back slightly so he could work at the snap on my jeans. I pushed him harder "No Randy stop" I wheezed. He delivered a quick hard punch to the side of my head. Dragging me to the floor he undressed me in no time. I fought against him but it was like I wasn't even there.

When I tried to kick him he caught my foot and wrapping his fingers around my ankle he squeezed as hard as he could looking me in the eye said "go ahead and fight. You are my wife and I will have you whenever I want. He grabbed my other ankle and jerked me right to him he unzipped his pants and when he had freed himself impaled me as hard as he could. He rode me hard into the floor slamming my hips back again and again. Mentally I removed myself from the situation. Letting him use my body however he wanted with only a wince now and then as a response. When he finished he pushed me away and went in to take a shower. I rose to my feet extremely sore from being used so brutally. I crawled into bed thinking that it was over. Twenty minutes later Randy got into bed and turned to me again. I was in so much pain already. But that wasn't what he had in mind he had another place in mind. When he was finished I was still gasping for air my throat on fire when he got up for another drink. I rolled over and curled into a ball.

Not long after I felt his hand on my shoulder "baby I'm so sorry" he was crying. I turned over and he said "I'm so afraid of losing you it makes me go crazy. I promise it will never happen again. Things are going to change.

Nothing really changed he still came home drunk every night accusing me of screwing this guy and that guy. Occasionally I would go through another bad night. I was desperately unhappy. I was spending time down at the lake every day. I got down there one day and Brent was there without his girlfriend. After greeting my mom I asked Brent "where's Sheila today?"

"She is visiting family upstate for the week." We were all sitting there visiting. I was sitting on the hood of my mom's car with her. Brent and Lucky were sitting on the guardrail facing us.

"Well I gotta run" Lucky said "I'm meeting Devil in ten minutes.

"Yeah I have to get back to work" mom said. Before I could blink it was just me and Brent left together.

I was suddenly aware of how this would look if Randy was to see me. After thinking for a second I made a decision and turning to Brent I said "do you want to get out of here?"

Brent looked over at me and said "let's go." We climbed into his truck and he turned it around and started toward the exit. "Where do you want to go?" He asked when he came to the end of the road.

"Now that depends" I said "If you're interested somewhere we can be alone if you're not I'll just get out here." I left the decision up to him.

I knew he had a girlfriend and I didn't care. "Stay, I know a place" he said as he made a left turn. We didn't speak as he drove each lost in our own thoughts.

I figured that if I was going to be punished for fooling around then I was going to do just that. "Brent if we were going to have an affair than you have to be aware of some things" I told him.

"What things?" he asked.

"First never speak of this to my mom or anyone else, second remember that we are both committed to other people so don't get emotionally involved, third if I'm with my husband and you see me don't even look at me, and last remember I'm not your girlfriend and I can end this at any time for any reason. I explained "Can you handle that?" I asked.

"Yeah I can handle that" he said.

Brent and I would sneak away every day that first week then whenever we could after that. I even brought him to the house occasionally. Brent broke the first rule the first week we were together. I should have taken it as a sign. He brought me over to his best friends Jay's house. Jay was a stay at home dad who had two little kids. Brent had told him all about me. I let it slide because I used to have a best friend that I told everything besides I liked Jay. We spent a lot of time over at Jay's house. He would let Brent and I have sex in his bed then we would spend the next few hours hanging out. Jay made an overture a couple of times but was gracious when I declined. I tried never to have sex with friends.

Things were okay for a couple of months. I was screwing Brent. I was doing what I wanted during the day and dealing with Randy at night. He was under the impression that I was staying at home during the day. So I only had to deal with his drunken actions which were unpleasant but nothing like when he got angry with me. It was easier to let him think he had won.

Then things became complicated. Brent and I were lying side by side after having sex when he says "I love you."

"Brent don't say that. That wasn't a part of our deal." I said as I got up and began getting dressed. "I'm married. You have a girlfriend. This is just sex."

Brent got angry with me and stayed away for a few days. Devil was back and one afternoon he says "come for ride on my Harley." So I went with him. We drove out to the beach and stopped. When I climbed off we walked down the beach. "What is going on with you and Brent?" He asked.

"Luke, I like you but you wouldn't understand" I told him.

"Let me guess and you tell me if I'm right. You wanted a no strings affair but now Brent wants more. Am I right?" I stopped and looked at him.

"How did you know?" I asked wondering if Brent had confided in him.

"I have eyes to see." Luke said "Brent watches you all the time. It used to be a wishful kind of look, and then it was a satisfied look, now it is a possessive look. But you never look at him at all. That tells me you just wanted an uncomplicated affair."

I was impressed. "You're absolutely right. Now I don't know how to get rid of him." I said pensively.

"I can help you with that if you want" he said.

"How can you help me?" I asked.

"You call Brent over tomorrow at ten. I'll be there by nine. You can tell him that you're with me now. I will back you up. That sound like a plan?" He asked.

"Yeah I can do that. Just one question though." I said stepping closer "Are you taking his place?" I asked looking up at him.

"Yeah I am. I have been waiting for you to see what a loser Brent is. Now I aim to show you how a real man operates." He pulled me up to him and thoroughly kissed me.

I was dazed as I stepped back. I smiled "we should head back." Luke dropped me off a block from my apartment and I was mentally preparing for the next day. I was absent minded the rest of the night. Randy making love to me didn't even take my mind off what was going to happen tomorrow.

The next day I called Brent and invited him over. Luke showed up just when he said he would. When he came in I shut the door and immediately he pushed me against it and kissed me. When he finally let me up for air I said in a bemused voice "wow hi" and pulled him back to me. We were still kissing but had made it into the bedroom when Brent drove up. He showed up on a little Honda motorcycle.

When he came in he was saying "how do you like my new bike. I thought we could take it for a spin" he tried to take me in his arms but I slipped away.

"We have to talk" I said.

"Okay talk" Brent said with a frown.

"I don't want to see you anymore. I'm seeing someone else." I told him bluntly.

"Wow didn't take you long to replace me did it. You really are just a whore aren't you?" He said trying to save face. I shrugged not caring what he called me.

"You say that to her again and I'm going to rearrange your face." Luke said as he came out of the bedroom. "You might as well hit the road pal and if I hear a whisper of talk I'll pound you. Got it?" Brent stormed out of the house and jumped on his bike. He tried to spin it around by giving it gas and holding it in place but it didn't work and he dumped it breaking his mirror and tail light. I couldn't help it I laughed. He was acting like such a little boy. He got back on the bike and roared off. I turned and went back inside and shut the door. "Now where were we" Luke said leading me into the bedroom.

Having an affair with Luke was like grabbing on to a hurricane. He always left me breathless. He was everything rolled into one. He knew more about pleasing a woman than most men would ever know. He was fun to be with. When we went somewhere it was always out of town so no one I knew would see us. He was always considerate about getting me back before Randy got out of work. We would take off on his Harley and spend the day just riding. He was easy to be with. Easy to talk to and I talked to him about everything except my relationship with Randy.

As time went by I realized that I was starting to have feelings for him even though I didn't want to. So after a wonderful day together I said to him "I can't see you anymore."

"Can I ask why not?" He asked as if it didn't really matter.

"I'm getting too attached to you" I told him. "I can't have that. I've had a great time and maybe sometime down the road we can pick it back up but it won't be for awhile." He leaned over sliding his hand behind my neck gently tipped my head up. He looked into my eyes, kissed me the way he always did, then he was gone.

Everything was quiet for a few months then one day I went to get groceries. I was carrying them home when a car pulled up alongside me. I didn't pay attention until I heard the horn. I turned to look and my heart stopped. It was Ray. I walked slowly over to the car as if drawn by a rope. "Get in" he said. I smiled to myself as I got in same old Ray. "What are you up to these days?" He asked as he headed toward my place.

"Not much still playing house" I answered. "How do you know where to go?" I asked as he took the correct turn.

"I always know where you are" he said then laughed. "I saw you come from here so I assumed that you would be going back the same way" he said.

"You saw me come from here then what you followed me?" I was surprised and a little flattered that he would go to such trouble just to see me again.

"Yes I followed you. I wanted a chance to talk to you." He fell silent as if gathering his thoughts. "How is it going with him?" He wanted to know.

"Things are good. We are good." I lied. There was no way I was going to tell him that he was right and things had gotten so bad.

"So I guess that means you're not interested in starting things back up" he said. I hesitated a second too long. "So you are interested in being with me again. I was hoping that you would miss me." I brought him home with me.

"If Randy catches you here we are both dead" I warned him as I let him in.

"I'll risk it where is the bedroom?" He asked already trying to pull my clothing off. I was in just as big a hurry as he was and our first time together again lasted no more than ten minutes. But as usual I was more than satisfied.

I saw Ray only occasionally after that but being with Ray was different than being with anyone else. Randy hated Ray if he even knew I was talking to him he would blow. I didn't want to take the chance of Randy ever finding out so I stayed away until I couldn't anymore.

Randy was drinking more than ever and he was always so angry. No matter what I did it was never good enough. He got into the habit of choking me if I so much as looked at him wrong so I tried to blend into the walls when he was home. When he wanted sex he no longer asked he took. I was a possession a favorite toy to take out and play with then forget. His brother sent him a new knife he had made. It was a huge knife made from a truck bumper. Randy would get drunk and start playing with that knife just staring at me. I tried to make him happy I really did it just wasn't possible. I was so stressed out that I would throw up in the morning after he left for work and I would throw up at night as it got closer to the time he would get home.

My sister Rachel moved two blocks from us. I walked down there the day she moved in to help. I also wanted to see my little nephew Dante. He was the cutest little boy in the whole world and I loved him to distraction. I got along pretty well with my sister now that we were both adults. She had changed as most of us do when we grow up. Her boyfriend was a very nice guy. I liked him and he was very good to Dante. Randy however didn't like me to be around Rachel and forbid me from going down there. As usual I would sneak down there when he wasn't home.

The carnival came to town and I wasn't going to miss set-up. So as soon as possible I headed down to the lot where they were. I walked around looking for a familiar face when I noticed him. He was huge at least six feet tall and two hundred pounds. He was setting up one of the games. I walked up and watched him struggle with one of the canopies on the front display. I spoke up "If you jab a toothpick in with the pole it will hold." His head snapped up I could see I had startled him. "I have helped set up this game before" I said. I walked over to the concession stand and asked for a toothpick. The lady that ran it recognized me and handed one over. I went back and held it out. When he didn't take it I smiled "it really will help I promise." He shook his head a little took the pick and after lining up the pole shoved the pick in. He tentatively let go and it held. "There you see it works." I said with a smile. "What's your name?" I asked "you're new around here."

"John" he said absently as he moved to the back and began to dig through the toy bin selecting which stuffed animals he wanted to hang. I followed him back there keeping up a steady stream of chatter the whole time about previous years when the carnival was in town.

Just when I thought he was not going to talk to me again he said "if you're going to hang around hand me those animals as I hang them up." I happily handed him each animal while telling him all about the mishaps and blunders of the green operators. A couple of times I was sure I got a small smile to come out. Man I thought to myself I just love a challenge.

Jim the owner of the carnival stopped by "I see you have the best helper in these parts that you can get." He said smiling at me. Have you seen Lenny yet? He was asking after you."

"Nah, I haven't gone over there yet" I said looking at John "I'll get there."

Jim laughed "I see there is a new love in your life. You gonna at least bed this one?" he asked. "Jim shut up and get out of here" I said. He left laughing. I looked at John "I never had a thing going with any of them" I said. "I don't want you to get the wrong impression. Of course had you come along last year that might have been different." I said suggestively.

"How old are you, twelve? He asked.

"I'll have you know I'm eighteen" I lied. Well I was going to be eighteen soon anyway and I wanted this man.

"Well that's good to know. At least I'm not going to have some angry father down here wanting my head on a pike." It was then he noticed the wedding ring. "You're married? That's perfect not an angry father but an angry husband. Yep that's just perfect" he said to himself.

I walked up to him "I won't tell if you won't" I smiled my most charming smile.

"You better run along I have things to do" he said.

"I think you should know I don't give up easily" I warned him.

"And I think you should know that I have a girlfriend" he said.

I looked around "where is she?" I asked.

"She doesn't travel with us" he answered.

"Well then I guess we just won't tell her either then will we?" I said grinning at him. He waved me off and disappeared into a back room behind the trailer. I went to find Lenny and see what he knew about John.

I found Lenny talking to another giant of a man. "Hey Len what's going on?" I said looking his friend over.

"Not much but you're going to make Tank here blush if you keep looking at him like you're going to eat him" Len said with a chuckle. "Can you help him set up this ride? You remember how it's done don't you? I have to get back to my own ride" he said.

I smiled at Tank and said "sure I remember I'll be happy to help." When Lenny had left I smiled at Tank again.

"Actually my name is Anthony but everyone calls me Tank because of big Jim. He gives nearly everyone a nickname."

"What do you prefer to be called?" I asked him.

"Tank is easier that's what everyone calls me" he said.

"Okay Tank it is" I said as I pulled off my sweatshirt and began pulling different poles out of the belly of the ride.

"Your awfully little are you sure that you can set up this ride?" Tank asked.

"Don't worry I'm stronger than I look. I've helped set this ride up for the last three years. So to answer your question yes I can do it so don't worry" I said. Tank was easy to be around he didn't talk much but he was real sweet. If I hadn't seen John first I would be all over him as it was I was seriously considering them both.

Before I took off I went back over to the racing game. John wasn't out front so I went around the side. The door in the back was open and he was lying on a bunk doing a crossword puzzle. "Hi" I said as I walked up. "Bet you thought you had gotten rid of me" I joked as I stood in the doorway.

"I never said I wanted to get rid of you just said I had things to do. I'm done now. You want to come in?" He replied.

"Oh yeah" I said as I stepped into the small room and shut the door behind me. Darkness closed around us.

"Now why did you do that?" He asked amused.

"So I could do this" I sat next to him on the bed as he shifted onto his back. I leaned down and kissed him. I teased him with my lips until his hands came up locked in my hair and plundered my mouth. The man knew how to kiss. I kissed him some more then in one smooth move I vacated the bed and opened the door.

"Where you going?" he asked confused.

"I have to go home now" I said. Don't waste so much time tomorrow" I said as I walked away.

I went back the next day and the next. I split my time between John and Tank. I would hang out with Tank for most of the day then go find John teasing him with a few stolen kisses before leaving. He knew that I was spending a lot of time with Tank. "What are you doing with that overgrown puppy?" He asked.

"I like him besides you have a girlfriend he doesn't." I told him. "I know" I said after pretending to ponder for a moment "I'm protecting you from ugly gossip" I suggested laughing.

On Friday I was with Tank on his ride "will you come with me when we leave?" He asked.

I didn't know what to say "I'm married" I reminded him.

"I don't care. Come with me. We can be good together." He said again.

"You know that I'm spending time with John also don't you?" I asked. I really didn't want to hurt this teddy bear of a man.

"Yeah I heard" he said.

"I can't Tank. I'm sorry if I wasn't married I would love to travel with the both of you." It was all I could tell him.

When I showed up to see John he grabbed my hand and hauled me to the back of his trailer. We barely got the door closed before he was pulling me down to the bed. "I'm not waiting anymore" He said. I hurried out of my clothes and I'm sure we had that trailer rocking. When we went back out I was helping John refill the animals before they opened that night.

"Well well what do we have here?" I turned and instantly went cold as I saw my sister and Dennis standing there looking so very smug.

"Does Randy know you're down here playing with the help?" Debbie asked.

"He doesn't care" I bluffed.

"I find that very hard to believe" Dennis said.

"Believe whatever you want, I don't care." I said as I walked away. I ran all the way home sick to my stomach trying to think of some excuse if they happened to tell him and coming up blank.

When they didn't show up that night I thought I was in the clear. I couldn't go see John the next day because it was Saturday and Randy was going to be home.

"Randy can we go to the parade and the carnival?" I asked the next morning as I made breakfast. I asked knowing it was dangerous but wanting to see John.

"No, I'm not wasting money on the carnival it's a rip off." He said as he cracked open a beer and turned on the TV. Randy drank steadily throughout the day. Later that evening a knock sounded on the door. When Randy opened it Debbie and Dennis were there. I knew I was in big trouble. Sure enough after chatting for a while Debbie just happened to mention running into me at the carnival hanging out with some nasty carnie.

Randy looked at me with such fury that I had a hard time standing still. "Which guy?" Randy asked Dennis.

"The guy at the horse racing game" Dennis told him. "I can go down there with you if you want" he offered.

"That won't be necessary" Randy said. After they left Randy very quietly shut the door. Then turning he came at me. He threw me against the refrigerator "You whore you just couldn't stay away from there could you? You just have to run around on me don't you? Well I'm going to go take care of your boyfriend. Then I will deal with you." He grabbed a five foot length of heavy chain he had in the bedroom and walked out of the door.

I knew I had to get to John first so I slipped out of the door after him and carefully followed him. When he stopped in the bar for a drink I ran as fast as I could to find John. When I found him I stumbled to the ground almost at his feet. As he helped me up I said "John you have to get out of here. He is coming after you he has a chain and he's capable of killing you."

It wasn't until he wiped at my face that I realized I was crying. "Are you okay?" He asked. "Don't worry about me if you can't go then call the police and have them here. He stopped at the bar but he's coming." With that I ran back to the bar and waited across the street in the shadows so I would know when he left. I didn't have long to wait. He came out of the bar and he wasn't alone. Brad was with him he must have been in the bowling alley that the bar was attached to. They walked down toward the carnival and I followed at a discrete distance not wanting him to see me.

When I came around the final corner I stopped. A hundred feet away stood John with a state trooper and Randy was yelling. John noticed me first and Randy following his gaze spotted me as well then he yelled to me "get down here you whore." I walked slowly toward them while everyone watched. Randy was yelling saying hateful things to me as I walked toward them.

As I was walking to his side I passed the trooper. He put a hand on my arm to detain me. "Ma'am do you think it is a good idea to be near him when he is like this? Wouldn't it be better if I took him in and let him sleep it off?" He asked.

"No thank you officer he would just be even angrier at me tomorrow." I smiled at him to show him that everything was alright.

Randy went crazy "are you trying to get into his pants to?" He screamed at me. "Let's go I'm taking you home." The cop looked as if he would interfere and I just shook my head at him as I followed after Randy. He continued to berate me and call me names at the top of his voice for the entire twenty minutes it took for us to make it home.

I thought it would be over when we got home. I was very wrong when we got inside Randy slammed me against the wall. "I have had it with your running around. I'm going to fix you once and for all" he said quietly. I didn't know what he meant but I knew that his quiet voice meant I wasn't going to like it. "Don't move I'll be right back" I stayed right there pressed against the wall. When he came back he was holding that huge knife. The fear swamped me and I tried to dart around him but he grabbed me by the throat and threw me back against the wall. "Don't be running away you need to meet your next lover. I'm going to shove this thing so far inside you that it's going to reach your stomach. I froze this was so much worse than I had anticipated. He began to run the edge over my body while I trembled at every touch. Lord help me please I thought. As he was reaching my waist there was a knock at the door. I almost screamed with the tension.

He backed slowly away "you keep your mouth shut you hear me?" I just nodded. When Randy opened the door Rachel just strolled right past him. I saw him reach behind the door and put the knife on the table. I sagged with relief when I saw Sean follow Rachel inside. Randy offered Sean a beer and they went into the living room.

I grabbed Rachel's arm "I need to leave tonight and he's not going to let me. Please can you have Sean keep him in there while I pack?"

The look on my face must have convinced her because she turned walked into the living room and announced "she is leaving you and you're going to stay right here until she is packed."

I threw some clothes into one of his army bags and said "I'm ready can we go now?" I was still shaking when we left. Sean took the bag from me as we walked away. I saw Lani one of the girls I knew walking up the street. She had been on her way to see me. She went to Rachel's house with us. We were sitting on the couch while Rachel and Sean were in the kitchen. "I'm not going back to Randy" I said "I have to find a place to lay low where he can't find me."

"Well I'm leaving with the carnival tomorrow" she said. "I'm going with Lenny. I bet he can get you a job there too."

"Are you sure that he can do that?" I asked.

"I don't know but we can ask. Let me call him and see what he says." She made the phone call and I couldn't tell anything from her side of the conversation. When she hung up she turned to me with a smile. "You're in as soon as I told him who wanted the job he checked with Jim and there was no problem at all." I nodded but I wasn't going to be able to relax until we were gone.

That night I couldn't sleep I wondered if I was doing the right thing by running away. Then I would see that knife again and I knew I was never going back. I took my rings off and threw them in the fish tank. As I watched them sink I laid back down and wondered how it had all gone wrong. An hour later I got up and fished my rings back out of the water. Shoving them in my pocket I figured that I could always sell them sometime when I needed the money.

The next morning Lani and I walked down to the Parking lot where most of the rides were already gone. We were going to hitch a ride with the last trucks out. As I was about to get into the truck I saw Dennis' car coming. Knowing that it would be Randy I asked "can you give me a few more minutes? Please don't leave without me."

I walked over to where they had parked. Dennis got out and after shooting me a dirty look walked a short distance away to give us some privacy. I leaned against the car as Randy got out "Please don't leave me. I'm so sorry. It's Easter we are supposed to be over your mom's in a few hours. What am I going to tell her if you don't show up?" He begged crying.

But I had seen it too many times before. "You were going to kill me last night. You must be crazy to think I'm going to come back. No I'm leaving I'm never going to come back not ever." I told him.

"Stay you can go to your mom's by yourself. You can have the apartment. I'll move out." He suggested. I was tempted for a moment but I knew I had to get far away from him. So instead of arguing I turned and walked away. As I climbed into the truck a tear slipped out. I wiped it away and didn't look back.

CHAPTER 17

We arrived at our next destination and the set up began. Lenny and Lani came over "Hey glad that you decided to join us" he handed a coke to me. "This is how things work we set up the majority of the rides today and tomorrow. Then run the electrical and water lines. You and Lani will be helping out with the little kid rides at first. You each will be given a ride to be in charge of. You will help set that ride up first. Then move on to anyone that needs help. After all the rides are set up they need to be cleaned. That also falls on the new recruits. Do you have any questions?" He asked.

I already knew the order of ride setup from years of pitching in but there were two things I didn't know. "Where do we sleep?" I asked. "And when and how much do we get paid?"

"Those that want to go back to the barn every night. Those that don't want to stay in their cars or sometimes sleep on the rides or in the generator truck."

"What's the barn?" I questioned. The barn is the base of operations for the carnival. They have a house trailer there that we all share. There is also a bathroom and showers for us to use." He explained. "As for how much you get paid you make two hundred a week you can draw on that during the week if you need to but it's just that much less you get at the end of the week." I didn't have any money so I was happy that you could get some of your pay during the week. "Also" he added "watch out for Big Jim he always tries to screw the new female workers." I already knew to watch out for him he had been hitting on me for the last two years.

"Thanks Lenny I appreciate you getting me this job." I saw Tank headed my way before I could say anything he scooped me up into a hug.

"I knew that you would come with me" he said.

"Um Tank that's not exactly what happened." I tried to tell him.

"I don't care your here that's the important thing. We'll deal with the rest as we go" he said confidently. He gave me a kiss before heading back to his ride.

Big Jim called all the new people together and gave everyone their assignments. I was put in charge of the fun house. As I began to walk toward the ride with the other guy that was going to show me how to set it up Jim called me over. "You have to go to the cotton candy stand and talk to the old man and fill out some paperwork" he said.

"Why am I the only one that has to?" I snapped without meaning to. He reached out and rubbed his fingers through a strand of my blond hair. I think that I'm going to call you the blond bomb. You explode as quickly as a bomb. I would love to have you explode with me" he said suggestively.

I shook my head "not going to happen." I said as I knocked his hand away. "Isn't that your wife?" I asked pointing. I slipped away as he turned to look.

I heard him laugh behind me "very clever" he said.

I filled out my paperwork filling in a birth year that made me a year older. When I was done I headed for my ride. I could never figure out why they called the fun house a ride it doesn't move. I did as I was directed and tried to remember every step. I knew that I would be solely responsible for setting up this ride in the future. Mine was the only ride that could be set up by one person.

When we were done I was directed over to the scrambler, also called the whip, to help set it up. It was the ride I had the most experience with. Lenny was helping Tank lift the cars into place "Blondie grab that bucket of pins and pin this in place will you?" Lenny yelled. I hurried to get the bucket taking note that Jim's nickname for me had obviously already made the rounds. I spent the next few hours helping Tank as Lenny went back to his own ride after I showed up. Tank was so strong I was very impressed. He was new and so had only set up a few times and I had helped on this ride almost every year since I started helping out.

During the course of the afternoon I found out that Tank was not staying with us here at this place he was going to go help set up and run a ride at a second place they had set to up. Between the two of us we got the ride ready to go. As he ran the ride to check for problems he said "here" handing me a five dollar bill "why don't you grab us a couple of sodas."

I grabbed the money and left. I went the direction that took me past the horse racing game. John was there setting up. I walked up "Hi John" I said.

He turned around surprised "what are you doing here?"

"I couldn't stay" was all I said. It was all I needed to say.

"Does he know where you are?" He asked.

I nodded "he showed up as we were leaving. I don't know if he will follow." I told him trembling a little.

He came over and gave me a hug. "We watch out for our own here. He won't be able to hurt you. We won't let him" he promised.

"You won't tell anyone why I'm here right? I would die of embarrassment if anyone found out."

"It isn't your shame it's his. But if you don't want me to tell anyone I won't."

"Thanks" I said giving him a quick kiss.

"So that's how it is" Jim said from behind us. "Okay but better hope your girl doesn't find out" he walked away whistling.

I watched him go frowning. "Don't worry about him" John said "he fools around on his own wife so much he doesn't dare start telling tales on anyone else. I nodded and walked away to grab the sodas. "Will I see you tonight?" John said catching up with me. I nodded again smiling. "If you want to you can stay with me instead of going to the barn." He offered.

"Alright can I put my stuff in there? Right now it is sitting at the fun house." I asked.

"Sure" he said "why don't I get it for you so you can get back to wherever it is that they have you."

I smiled "okay my bag is right inside the spinning wheel at the end." I grabbed two sodas and went back to start washing down the scrambler.

Lani came over to help. We chatted and made fun of Lenny, who was on his ride next to us, making him laugh. When we made him laugh so hard he dropped one of his seats we couldn't stop giggling. Lenny promised retaliation. "This is so much fun" I said "I'm glad I'm here."

"Yeah this is going to be a great summer" Lani said. "Is it true that you're going with the guy over at the racing game?"

"Man Jim has a big mouth. No, I'm not going with anyone." I snapped annoyed. I hadn't even been here one day and already I was linked to someone. Right now in my life I saw that as dangerous.

"Oh, it wasn't Jim. Lenny saw you two together from up there and told me. We aren't going to tell anyone you don't have to worry." She said understanding the problem. I felt foolish for snapping at her. I apologized and we went back to making fun of Lenny.

That night when Lani and Lenny headed for the truck they stopped by the fun house where I was sitting on the steps "aren't you coming to the barn with us?" She asked.

"No I'm going to stay on the lot. I'm not comfortable staying with everyone." I said.

"Where are you going to?"

Before Lani could finish her question Lenny interrupted her "It's none of our business where she is going to sleep. She's a big girl who can take care of herself" he said winking at me. He pulled Lani to the truck. I smiled at him in gratitude. He nodded then his eyes went to someone behind me. I knew it was going to be John.

"Goodnight Lenny" he said as he sat down next to me on the stairs. "How did your first day go?" He asked.

"It went really well" I said reaching up to push a strand of hair behind my ear.

"What happened to your hand?" He asked taking my hand and looking at it.

I pulled it away and held both of them up in front of me. They were red and swollen. "I don't know maybe the cold water froze them while I was washing rides." I shrugged they didn't hurt or anything so I didn't care.

"No I bet it's from the soap they use. I bet your skin is too sensitive. Tomorrow dilute it with more water." John said taking my hand again.

"Yeah okay" I said. We sat in silence for a few minutes just watching the sun go down.

"Come on let's go to my trailer. I have a little TV in there we can lie on the bed and watch it. So we headed to his trailer and I knew that I wasn't going to be watching any TV and neither would he.

We opened the next day and I sat outside the fun house collecting tickets. Watching people go through. I was amazed at how many college guys wanted to go through until I realized it was the spinning wheel on the end they wanted. They would stop in the wheel and brace themselves and go the whole 360 degrees. Some of them couldn't hold themselves up and would tumble down.

Jim came over to me "you can't let them stay in the wheel" he said.

"How am I supposed to stop them?" I asked.

"Figure something out" was the only advice he gave me before walking away.

The next guy that went through stopped and I calmly I said "keep moving please. You can't stop there it's not allowed."

He completely ignored me as he began to spin. I noticed Jim watching to see what I was going to do. I couldn't afford to lose this job. Thankfully they had installed a switch for those times when a child was too frightened to cross the spinning floor. I stepped up on the platform and just as he was turned on his side I shut off the wheel and watched as he struggled to hold himself up "hey turn the wheel back on" he yelled.

I noticed Jim out of the corner of my eye smile and walk away. "Nope I told you not to silly boy. But you just couldn't listen so now you can fall on your butt."

He let himself fall and came out of there hot under the collar. "That was a dirty trick. I want my tickets back." He yelled.

"I'm sorry I can't" I said slightly intimated. "I have to tear them up and throw them in the box when I get them. I couldn't give you your tickets back even if I wanted to" I spoke to him as if I wasn't afraid but deep inside I was shaking.

"Is there a problem here?" I turned to look and never had been so happy to see a uniform in my life.

"There is no problem officer" the guy said as he and his buddies left. I turned the wheel back on and came down off the platform to let in the next bunch of kids.

"Thanks" I said.

"No problem" the officer said. "My name is Fin I'll be around just holler if you need me." I watched him as he walked away. He looked back and I waved. Every time he made his rounds he came over and we would flirt for a minute before he moved on before long he was hanging out at my ride keeping an eye on things while we flirted. He would bring me cokes and as long as he was there I had no trouble when I told the college guys to keep moving through the wheel. When the night was over and it was time to shut down Fin came over "My day off is tomorrow but I will be back the next night so I guess I'll see you then" he said hopefully.

"Sure I'll be here all week" I told him fondly.

The next night there was a giant of a man with red hair on duty. His name was Ian. I was quick to chat and flirt with him. He was receptive so I had another easy night with a cop by my ride. I figured that until I got used to dealing with the public it wouldn't be a bad idea to have a little buffer. We talked about his house that he was working on and what he hoped to do with it. I listened to his dreams for his future and stroked his ego. He was a very nice guy. I was sorry to see the night come to an end. It was so much fun.

I loved talking to the people I even liked seeing the little kids having fun. I think it was while I was with the carnival that I started to like kids. Not enough to want to be around them for any long length of time but it was a beginning. I went to join everyone to get our draw money then John and I went to get something to eat. We spent a quiet night watching TV and making love.

I was really enjoying myself running the fun house. I helped little kids and even some adults who couldn't find their way out. I even went in and carried a few children out. The college guys realized pretty quickly that I was the key to riding the wheel. They tried everything they could think of to get me to let them do it. They would smile and try charm if that didn't work they would try bribery and if they still struck out would try to catch me napping and try their luck anyway. As I became more confident I would let a few of the more charming guys through. I loved the guys that tried to sneak through the best though. I always waited until they were upside down to stop the wheel. Nine times out of ten whatever they had in their pockets would come out and fall under the ride where they weren't allowed to go. I would go under the ride every night and look to see what I could find. Money, cigarettes, and keys were the items found most under the rides.

John and I were lying in bed that night when there was a knock on the door. I made him get out of bed and answer it. One of our guys had gotten into a fight at a local bar and didn't have any identification on him. "Could you please come identify and take custody of him or he is going to go to jail?" The officer asked.

John put his shoes on and went with the officer. The other cop remained at the door "so did you miss me while I was gone?" He asked sarcastically. It was Fin the cop from the first night we were open.

"Of course I did. How was your day off?" I asked nonchalantly. The closing of the door was my only answer. Well, I thought that's that then. We were due to start breaking down the rides in a couple of days anyway then we would move on to the next spot.

When John came back he got into bed and snuggled up to me. "You realize that things are going to change when Tank gets back don't you?" I asked him. "He thinks that I came here to be with him."

"Why should what he thinks matter?" John asked "unless you want to be with him. Do you want to be with him?" He asked watching me.

"I like him a lot" I said.

"Well you like me to" he countered.

"You have a girlfriend. Are you going to break up with your girlfriend to be with me?" I asked. "No" he said slowly "no I'm not. I love her."

"Well then it's settled. When Tank is here I'm with him when he's at another lot I can be with you. I think that's fair." I said.

"Fine with me but what is Tank going to say to that?" He asked.

"If he doesn't like it then I guess I'll be with you." I said with finality.

I greeted Tank with a kiss when he showed up to help us tear down. I knew that I would have to have a talk with him but we had work to do first. We went our separate ways I went to the fun house to begin getting it ready to move. It was there that Ian found me. "Hey getting ready to pull out I see" He said sounding a little unsure of himself. That got my attention he was always so confident. "Can you take a quick ride with me?" He asked. "Tell them you have to run and get some cigarettes. I'll buy you a pack." He said trying to convince me.

I went and asked the guy helping me to cover for me for ten minutes. "I'll be right back" I promised. I jumped in Ian's truck and we headed for the store.

He hesitated for a moment then plunged right in "I want you to consider staying here with me." He said in a rush "I know we just met but I really like you and I want to see if it could go somewhere. So what do you say will you stay here with me?"

I was astounded. I hadn't expected anything like this. Thinking quickly I said "Ian I'm sorry I can't. I made a commitment to this job that I wouldn't leave them in the lurch. You're a wonderful man and at any other time I would jump at the chance. But I can't I'm sorry." He dropped me off ten minutes later and I went back to work. He was already becoming a fond memory.

Traveling with the carnival was definitely a new experience. I was still staying on the lot only it was with Tank in the generator truck. It was good thing it was summer outside otherwise we would have had to go back to the barn with everyone else and I just wasn't up for that yet. So we washed up in gas station bathrooms and I washed my hair in the concession stands water hose which of course was only cold water. My hands were in fact sensitive to the soap they used for washing rides no matter how much I diluted. So I although I could have been excused from washing rides I bought a pair of rubber gloves instead. We had too much fun to miss out just because my skin was sensitive.

I was waiting for the place to close down for the night. It was raining and chilly. I had been sitting in the rain for over an hour and I was soaked through. When I got the word to shut down I couldn't have been happier. I shut down and locked up. Then I went to help Tank shut down his ride. I grabbed the other side of the seat cover that he was covering the seats with. "Hey why don't we go to the barn tonight?" He suggested. When I looked doubtful he said "come on we can take a steaming hot shower" with only a brief hesitation I agreed.

We hurried to finish covering all the seats and ran for the truck. "You guys coming with us tonight?" Lenny asked.

"Yeah we're coming" Tank said as he helped me into the back of the truck. We were riding in the back of a panel truck so there were no seats everyone piled in and found a place to sit. We sat on the floor next to Lenny and Lani.

"You can stay in our room tonight" Lenny offered.

When I gave Tank a quizzical look he explained. "There are only four bedrooms. The senior operators have them. Everyone else sleeps in the living room on the floor. At least in Lenny's room we will have a little privacy." I nodded.

When we got to the barn everyone headed up to the trailer. When I would have followed Tank took my hand. "The showers are this way" he said as he led me to a big brick building. When we entered the building there was two shower stalls. They were the biggest showers I had ever seen. He showed me how the shower worked and I couldn't wait to get under that hot spray. When he went to grab towels I stripped and got in. It was heaven the water was as hot as I could stand and the shower head was so big it was like being in a rain storm. It enveloped me. Tank got in the other shower perhaps knowing that I wanted this shower all to myself. When we were done we headed up to join the others.

When we got inside one of the other new guys Jack threw Tank a beer. As I watched him tip it back and drink it in two swallows I began to sweat. I knew he was not Randy but I hated alcohol. Tank grabbed another beer and was drawn into a conversation with another one of the new guys. I watched him empty another beer and then another. I was desperate for a distraction. "Who wants to play a game of cribbage?" Lenny asked the room in general as he came out of his room.

"I will" I said right away. My mom had taught me how to play cribbage a long time ago. He brought over the board and soon I was so engrossed in remembering the rules and the counting my cards that I forgot to watch Tank. Lenny beat me the first time. I won the second game and then he beat me again.

"Want to go again?" he asked.

Just as I was about to agree Tank came over "I think that it is time to go to bed" he said. I smiled at Lenny but followed Tank into the bedroom. We had the room to ourselves "they won't come to bed for another hour or so" Tank said as we lay down. He started to kiss me. I hadn't had sex with Tank yet and it was apparent that he wanted that to change. I was unsure because of his drinking but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that. We got undressed and when he handed me a condom I pretended to know how to put it on. How hard can this be? I thought. I slipped it on and was tugging it down when it slipped out of my hand and snapped him in his very sensitive place.

"I'm so sorry." I said horrified at what I had done. I didn't know what kind of reaction to expect when he could talk again. I think I half expected him to hit me.

So I was surprised to hear him say "It's okay. You didn't mean to. You didn't mean to right? I mean if you don't want to do this all you have to do is say so." I wanted to cry as he gently teased me the relief was so great. He wasn't angry. "Let's try this again but without the condom this time" he said as he kissed me again.

The next morning we went down to the actual barn where we helped clean and do small repairs to rides that were stored there. As I walked in I saw big Jim "What happened to you it looks like you were run over?" He asked.

Without thinking I replied "I got hit by a tank" making everyone laugh and Tank blush. "That wasn't what I meant" I stammered when I realized what they were laughing at.

Jim gave us our jobs to do and when I was busy off by myself he came over "what's going on I thought you were John's girl?" He asked.

"It is none of your business" I told him without looking up.

"I'm a better man to cozy up to" he said "I can make your life here so much easier."

I didn't look at him. "I'm sure you can but it isn't gonna to happen" I said dismissively. I was spared from any further comments when his dad came in.

Tank wanted to come back to the barn every night after that so to make him happy I agreed. Every day was the same we would spend the morning working around the barn. I made sure I was always working near someone else so that Jim would keep his distance. In the afternoon we would leave for whatever lot we were playing at and then when we shut down we would come back with everyone else. Lenny was kind enough to let us stay in his room. Most of the guys would drink and usually I would play cribbage with Lenny. I was getting pretty good winning as many as I lost.

Playing cribbage with Lenny made me think of my mom so I decided to give her a call the next day. "Hi mom" I said when she answered the phone "How's it going?"

"I can't believe that you are going to call me and act like nothing is wrong" she said.

"Why what's wrong?" I asked not realizing she was referring to me.

"I can't believe that you would just abandon your husband" she said. I hung up the phone I didn't need to hear how wrong I was to leave him.

One night I was outside with Tank. We were sitting in an old pickup bed just talking when Jack came out. I didn't like Jack. I couldn't put my finger on why but something about him made me uneasy. He leaned against the truck and struck up a conversation with Tank. I didn't contribute to the conversation at all because Jack was drunk. Tank drained the last of his beer "Can you grab me another beer when you go in?" Jack asked. Tank being the nice guy he is got up to go grab the beer. I felt uncomfortable being alone with Jack but didn't want to let it show. "You sure are stuck up aren't you?" Jack asked.

"I'm not stuck up" I defended myself.

"Yes you are you think that you are better than everyone else" he accused me.

I was getting angry so I said "just you Jack not everyone just you."

"You have a smart mouth. You know that?" He asked angrily.

Feeling safe enough I goaded him "you wouldn't know smart if it hit you between the eyes."

He pulled a knife out of his pocket opening it up he said "I should cut that tongue right out of your smart mouth" walking toward me. I sat frozen staring at the knife suddenly I wasn't sitting on the back of a truck. I was back in my kitchen looking at a different knife. "Don't have anything to say now do you?" He laughed.

I was snapped back to the present when suddenly he was flying through the air. He landed hard on the ground and when he got up to see who had shoved him he was confronted with a very angry Tank. Lenny who had been talking with Tank when they came outside was looking at Jack with disgust. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Tank growled at him "I should tear you apart with my bare hands."

When he made as if to go after him Lenny restrained him "man go to your girl she needs you. I'll deal with Jack."

I was still sitting frozen barely hanging on to my composure. Lenny grabbed Jack and dragged him into the house. Tank came to me "babe are you all right?" he said softly. Brushing his knuckles against my cheek "come on look at me" He pleaded. I raised my eyes to his. My eyes were swimming in unshed tears. He took me in his arms "oh baby I'm not going to let anyone hurt you. Not ever I swear." I believed him after watching him deal with Jack. Without a doubt I knew he could protect me from Randy.

I clung to him "I love you Tank" I said "please don't ever leave me." As long as I had him I would be safe.

A week later we were separated. Tank was sent to a lot that was far enough away that he wouldn't be coming back for the whole week. "Tank I don't want you to go. What am I going to do without you?" I cried clinging to him the morning he was supposed to leave. "You know I can't come back to the barn without you here." I told him.

He stepped back and looked at me. "Well you tell John to keep you safe for me until I get back. I don't like it and we'll discuss John soon. But I know that you love me and that's all I need to know for now." He kissed me and got on the truck.

I went to find John as soon as I got my fun house set up. "Hi" I said when I found him "do you have a minute?" I asked nervously.

"I always have a minute for you" he said with a smile "what's up?"

"I was hoping that you would let me stay with you for the next week." I said in a rush. "Tank is going to be gone and I won't go to the barn without him. I could stay in the generator truck if you would rather not have me with you." I got out in one breath.

John laughed "wasn't that the deal we made that when Tank was gone you would be with me" I was relieved. "Does Tank know that you're going to be with me?" He asked.

"Yes he knows" I told him. "He says to tell you to make sure you keep me safe for him."

John laughed and gave me a hug "Oh I will don't worry about that. Why is he worried about that? Does he know about your husband? Is there something I should know?" I told him about what happened with Jack and that Jack was holding a grudge. "Alright now I know" he said "he won't get anywhere near you."

"Thanks I got to run and help set up the other kiddy rides. They put me in charge of set up on the mini jets and both car rides you know." I said proudly.

When I got to the mini jets I didn't see anyone else around so I went to find Jim to find out who had been assigned to help me. "Jack and Ryan" Jim told me.

"You can't be serious" I exclaimed "you know that Jack is still angry that I got him into trouble" I reminded him.

"That is why I'm doing the wiring on that ride myself. So that I can be there to make sure everyone behaves" Jim said.

"You're the boss" I responded "you want to round them up so we can get started?" I was already working on the top of the mini jets when they got there. I was removing pins and getting the plugs ready for when I would be pulling wires through the top of each steel bar that the jet car would be attached to. Each pole had to sit on the lip of the sleeve it would slide into while I reached in with two fingers and plugged the wires in. Then they could be lifted and slid into place. "Someone want to get a pole up here" I said without looking up. A pole was hoisted into place and I inserted my fingers to plug in the wires when the pole was jostled causing my fingers to be pinched. "Watch what you're doing" I snapped as I looked up.

My eyes collided with Jacks. "I'm sorry it almost slipped" he said as he readjusted his hold on the pole his look daring me to make a big deal out of it. I decided it wasn't worth arguing about. I plugged in the wires without further incident. He slid the pole up and I fastened it. The next few hookups went flawlessly so I started to relax. It was probably an accident I thought. We were on the last pole and I had my fingers in the sleeve when he lifted the pole. I jerked my fingers out seconds before I would have been seriously hurt.

"You son of a" I yelled as I jumped off the ride to go after him completely losing my temper. I swept up one of Jim's big wrenches off the electrical panel as I went by. Jim grabbed me around the middle and swung me off the ground just as I swung for Jack's face. I missed him by inches and he wasn't smiling anymore. "You could have cut my fingers with that stupid stunt" I yelled at him.

Jim set me down and I went for Jack again. Jim grabbed me again not daring to let me go. He tried to take the wrench out of my hand but I was struggling to get away so hard that he had to hold on with both hands. "Will someone take that wrench away from her" he hollered. "Not you, you idiot" he said when Jack stepped forward. "She wants to brain you with that thing. You come near her and she is going to get the job done."

"Yeah come on over here Jack" I hissed. All the yelling had attracted the attention of the other guys and one of the old timers finally wrestled the wrench out of my hand.

"Let her go" John said as he walked up.

"If I let her go she is going to keep going after Jack" he said.

John walked up to us "let her go I'll take care of her." Jim slowly let his grip relax. I was still glaring at Jack when John stepped in front of me. "Calm down you're not going to accomplish anything by attacking him" he said.

"It'll make me feel better" I said but I was already calming down and was embarrassed for losing my temper like that. "Sorry Jim for losing my cool. Thanks for stopping me from getting to him" I said gratefully.

Jim grinned "believe me the pleasure was all mine" he said suggestively.

I laughed "you never give up do you?" I asked feeling better.

"Nope even coped a feel while you were struggling maybe we can do that again but in private next time" he waggled his eyebrows.

I laughed outright "you're such a pervert."

He turned back to where Jack was leaning against the ride and walked over to him. "Jack your fired. I don't need a troublemaker on my lot."

"Wait a second don't I get a chance to tell my side?" He whined.

"No matter of fact you don't. I saw the whole thing and if Blondie here hadn't tried to take your head off I would have fired you immediately. Let's go pick up your last paycheck then I want you off my lot. If I see you around here again I'll have you arrested." Jack stormed off with Jim following and I went back to work taking Ryan with me. John watched for a minute then went the same direction that Jack and Jim went. I heard later that John had stopped Jack and threatened to beat him into a bloody pulp if he ever saw him again.

Staying with John was fine but I found myself actually missing Tank. I couldn't wait to see him again. John was attentive but Tank was different he was like a ferocious guard dog that turned into a cuddly puppy when I was with him. He was sweet, kind, considerate, and loving. I really did love him. When he came back we were already at a new spot. John had been asked to pull a parking meter out of the ground to make way for the trucks to get on the grounds. I was watching him work at it when Tank showed up.

I smiled when I saw him and threw myself into his arms. I kissed him with everything I had to show him how much I had missed him. "Hi" he said when he dropped me back to my feet "miss me did you?" He asked with a smug grin.

"More than you know" I said.

"Well as much as I liked that greeting Jim asked me to help John get this parking meter out of the ground." The two men eyed each other. Until now they had stayed away from each other neither wanting to get drawn into a fight which I appreciated.

"She is safe and sound and all yours" John said "she made her choice."

Tank smiled "let's get this thing out of the ground." He said grabbing a hold of the meter. John grabbed hold to and they both pulled nothing happened for a few minutes then with arms straining and sweat running down their faces it began to move. When it finally came out of the ground the two men were spent. They sat on the grass and shared a bottle of water. I looked at the both of them. Similar in build and personality I wondered what it was that drew me more to Tank than John. I doubted that it was because John had a girlfriend. Then it hit me Tank was somehow softer. Not physically but deep down inside. I knew that I would be in control of our relationship. I was pretty sure that I would have nothing to fear from him. I would be able to return to who I was before I met Randy.

I called my mom again. I wanted to hear her voice. "Mom" I said when she answered the phone "how are you?"

"Where are you?" She asked. When I wouldn't tell her she started in again. "You know marriage is forever. You don't get to run off when someone more interesting comes along. You wanted to be married. You need to come home to your husband and make this right." She was talking fast probably thinking I was going to hang up on her again.

"Mom what are you talking about?" I really wanted to know.

"Randy told me how you left him for another man. He told all of us. That isn't right if you wanted to play the field you shouldn't have gotten married. Randy may make allowances for you but I won't" She scolded me.

"What do you mean Randy makes allowances for me?" I asked.

"He says he knows now that he married you to young and he assures me that he will bring you home soon." She repeated.

"What exactly does that mean? He will bring me home how is he going to bring me home?" I asked starting to get nervous.

"He knows that you're going to be close by soon and he's going to come get you. You should come home now. He shouldn't have to drag you back." She said.

"Mom I know you don't understand but I didn't leave him for another man. I just left him. I have to go to work I love you and I will talk to you soon. Please don't tell him that I called." I hung up and stood there in a panic. He is coming to get me, I thought. No hang on he is not coming now he is coming when we are playing close to where I lived. I hurried off to find Jim. "Jim where are we playing that is near where I lived?" I asked him trying to control the fear inside.

"Why planning on leaving us?" He asked.

"No just tell me where" I said.

"We're going to play in Lowell why?" He asked again and again I ignored his question.

"When are we going to be there?" I needed to know.

"Two weeks why what's going on?" he asked again getting irritated.

But I was already leaving. I went to John "what am I going to do? Randy is coming to get me in two weeks." I told him panicking. "I have to leave. I have to go somewhere he can't find me" I rationalized.

"Hang on what are you talking about?" He asked leading me to his room. When he had me sitting on the bed he said "start from the beginning how do you know he is coming?"

So I told him the entire conversation I had with my mother. "Everyone believes that I ran away to be with you" I said despondently.

"Who cares what anyone thinks? He asked.

"You don't understand I would have stayed if he hadn't tried to kill me." I told him about my final night with Randy then.

"You can't leave at least here we can all watch out for you. We have to tell the others" he said.

"No I don't want anyone to know how stupid I was" I cried.

"Then how about we just tell Tank, Lenny and some of the other old timers we can have you moved to running one of the car rides" he suggested.

"I don't want to run a car ride I love the fun house" I protested.

"Look Lenny, Tank and I are all on the other side of the lot from the house. You need to be where all three of us can see you and get to you in a hurry if need be. It is only logical and you have already run every ride in the kiddy section so it's not going to be a problem getting Jim to switch you for just that one spot. Let's go talk to them before we get going today." I finally agreed that this was the best solution. "Get Tank and meet me at Lenny's ride."

We separated and I went to get Tank. He came with me willingly enough until he saw John. "What's going on here?" He asked suspiciously. John told them the situation and I let him. They worked out a system where I would never be out of sight of at least one of them. They also decided that telling the other old timers to be on the lookout would be a good idea.

"What should the guys be on the lookout for? Can you give a good enough description?" Lenny asked.

"An older man about your height with black hair and he will be wearing leather more than likely." I said.

"Why would he be wearing leather in the summer? Isn't that too hot?" Lenny asked.

"Yes it's hot but before he lost his license he drove a Harley and so he always wears something made of leather a jacket or a vest and biker boots." I explained.

"Well that should make things easier." Tank said as he took my hand and we walked back over to his ride. Without speaking I helped him take off the seat covers. I knew he was angry I had gone to John but I was going to wait for him to bring it up. I didn't have to wait long. "Why didn't you tell me about all this? Why tell John and not me?" He asked in a hurt voice.

I was used to angry accusations his hurt tone made me want to cry. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner but I didn't have to tell John because Randy went after him on the last night he was in town. John heard and saw how he treated me. I was humiliated I didn't want anyone to know about that not even you. Now I'm afraid that he is going to make me go back." I told him sadly.

"He isn't going to take you anywhere. It would be over my dead body and then John would take over. You have nothing to worry about" he assured me.

"I hope your right." I said not sounding at all confident.

The two weeks were gone in a blink of an eye. I was indeed running the car ride and it was right next to Tank's ride and the racing game was across from us. Lenny was on the other side of Tank and we told the old timers whose rides surrounding mine. I couldn't look around without noticing someone watching. When they first hatched this part of the plan I didn't like it. I thought for sure that I would feel violated with so many people keeping an eye on me. But now that the time had come I didn't feel violated I felt safe.

It was a good thing that so many were watching because I never saw him coming. One minute he wasn't there and the next he was. When I saw him my body went horribly cold. My stomach immediately twisted into knots. I felt like I was going to throw up. I felt the blood leave my face. "Randy" I said.

"I have been waiting for you to come this way again. I had hoped that you hadn't left the carnival with your boyfriend. Are you ready to come home?" He asked quietly.

"She isn't going anywhere with you" John said from behind him. I knew that he would be the first one there because he didn't have a ride full of people.

"This is none of your concern this is between my wife and I" Randy said without looking away from me. "Tell him to leave" he said still using that quiet voice that terrified me "now!" But I couldn't say anything. Then to my relief Tank was coming toward us.

He brushed past Randy and coming inside the fence he stood right in front of me blocking Randy from my sight. "You have kids waiting for a ride babe let us handle this" he said gently.

I shuddered and rested my head on his chest for a second. "No, I'm forever going to be paralyzed if I don't face him. I need to do this." I motioned for a relief operator to take over for me. I squeezed Tank's hand and whispered "please just don't let us out of your sight." I walked out of the fence and away from the interested bystanders. Just as I knew he would Randy followed. When we were out of hearing distance but still in sight I stopped. "What do you want Randy? You can't believe that I would actually go home with you do you? You tried to kill me." I said.

"I do want you to come home. I'm sorry for what I have done. I have paid for the things I did to you" he began.

"Paid for it? How exactly have you paid for it?" I asked in disbelief.

"I was drinking one night last week and I went to your mom's to see if she had heard from you. I let slip that I mistreated you. When she tried to kick me out I wouldn't go. She called out on that damn CB of hers and several guys showed up to show me to the door. When she told them what I said they beat me up pretty bad. I had bruised ribs, a bloody nose and two black eyes that have just finally faded away. Believe me it woke me up" he said. "I even quit drinking" he added.

"It's too late Randy, drinking brings out what you really feel inside it doesn't create it. I loved you I would have stayed through everything if you hadn't pulled that knife. You never trusted me granted I gave you reason not to in the beginning but you treated me like a possession not a wife. That isn't love and it certainly doesn't make a good marriage. I'm sorry but it is over and nothing you can say is going to change my mind." I told him.

"Can I at least give you some money? My taxes came in and legally half of them are yours." He offered reaching for his wallet.

"Go home Randy I don't want your money. I'm doing just fine." I could see the anger starting to build in his eyes. "If you even think about hurting me you might want to look behind you" I told him with satisfaction. He glanced back Lenny had joined Tank and John. All three were standing arms crossed shoulder to shoulder.

Randy walked away without another word as I looked at my friends. They were comical really Lenny was standing between Tank and John and was at least a head shorter than the other two. I walked forward feeling a weight lift that I hadn't even realized I still carried. As long as I was here I had nothing to fear. I was about to tell them that everything was okay when Jim walked up "now that the drama is over can we all get back to work" he said. Smiling I went back to my ride. I probably gave out as many free rides that day as I did paid. I was free it was an indescribable feeling.

I called my mom that night she cried when she answered the phone and heard my voice. "I was so worried" she said. "I owe you an apology. I didn't know what Randy was doing. Why didn't you tell me?"

"What exactly did he tell you?" I asked.

"That he pushed you around and you couldn't take it." As if, I thought if that was all he did I would still have a husband and a home. Oh well traveling with the carnival is good enough for now. After telling her a few amusing stories about carnie life and letting her know that I really was doing fine we hung up.

A couple of weeks later I was setting up my ride when Jim came to do the wiring. He was showing me how to hook up the electrical panels when he took his knife out to cut the plastic sheath back. "Can I see that" I asked. I loved all types of knives and I hadn't seen one like this before.

He handed it over for me to examine "it's a Russian switchblade" he told me.

I wanted it. "Are you willing to sell it?" I asked him.

"No but I'm willing to work out a trade if you want it" he said. "You give me one tumble and it's yours" he offered.

I wasn't even tempted. "I'm with Tank you know that. And as long as I'm with him it is never going to happen." I said.

"Good to know" he replied. We went back to work and as soon as he finished the wiring he left.

Tank came to me a couple hours later obviously upset "What's the matter?" I asked concerned.

"Jim just came up to me and said that it was time for me to hit the road. I don't know what I did wrong."

He wasn't happy when I told him "you didn't do anything wrong. I told him today that I would never sleep with him as long as I was with you. I'm sorry this is all my fault let me go talk to him." I said angrily.

"No I'll leave. You'll come with me right?" Tank asked. "I don't want to leave without you."

"Where would we go?" I asked him unsure.

"We can go to my parents in Boston then we can get our own place." I agreed and he went to make the arrangements.

I had to say goodbye to John so I went to find him. He was just getting into his car to go get some supper when I caught up with him. "John I'm so glad I found you" I said breathlessly "I don't have much time but I couldn't leave without telling you."

"Leave what do you mean leave?" He asked. So I told him what Jim had done. "And you have to go with him. Why don't you just let him go? Do you really think that you know him good enough to run off alone with him?" He didn't understand. But I knew he wouldn't. I had to stay with Tank to be safe I just had to.

"Goodbye John, I hope I see you again someday. I could have loved you but you were already spoken for if you ever break it off with her try to find me okay." I gave him a hug and lifted my face for one more of his amazing kisses. "I will never forget you." I told him as I ran to say goodbye to Lenny and Lani.

CHAPTER 18

It took a couple hours for his family to pick us up. When the car finally arrived it was Tanks brother and father that had come for us. His father had a pirate look going with an eye patch over one eye but neatly dressed. His brother also was neatly groomed with nicer clothes than I had ever seen. As I slid into the Cadillac I couldn't help but wonder if they were perhaps in the mob. I wondered if I had just got into a more dangerous situation. "This is my brother Robby and my dad Tony." After greeting them I let them do all the talking and while they were catching up I dozed.

When we got to his house I couldn't believe my eyes. It was a beautiful house not huge but certainly not small. It was clear that these people had money. It was very early in the morning and everyone was sleeping. Tank brought me into his room and shut the door. "Is your family in the mob?" I asked.

Tank laughed "No honey their just hardworking people like anyone else." We were both tired so we turned in. I woke up first and really needed to use the bathroom. Thankfully the bathroom was right outside the door so I was confident that I wouldn't meet anyone if I ventured out. So I opened the door and went in the bathroom. Upon exiting the bathroom I was about to go back in the bedroom when I heard a voice behind me "excuse me your Tony's friend right?" I turned and there was an older woman who I guessed to be Tank's mom.

"Yes ma'am" I said. I had forgotten Tank's real name was Anthony so it took me a minute to figure out who she was talking about.

"Are you hungry? Would you like some coffee?" She offered.

I slowly walked away from the safety of the bedroom. She seemed very nice "No thanks I'm not very hungry and I don't drink coffee." I declined as politely as I knew how. I was intimidated by my surroundings and didn't want to make a fool out of myself.

"How about we chat while I get some breakfast then?"

"Sure if you want" I said.

She led the way to the kitchen as she puttered around the kitchen she asked "how did you meet my son?" She didn't look impressed when I told her we met at the carnival. "Yes he loves working the carnivals. Do you know why that is?" She asked.

"No ma'am I don't" I said wondering where this was going.

"Tony has paranoid schizophrenia do you know what that is?" She asked.

"No ma'am I don't" I said again.

"Well let me tell you then" she said "it means that he is mentally ill. He has to take medication and when he doesn't take his medicine he has delusions, hallucinations, and becomes very anxious. It is a serious illness do you understand?"

"I think so" I said not really understanding at all.

"Mom that's enough" Tank said coming into the kitchen. "I love her and that is all there is to it. If you have a problem with us being here we can always go somewhere else" he said putting his arm around me.

I leaned into him and said "Tank she's just trying to protect you. I can understand that" I smiled at her hoping we could be friends.

"Can you understand me wanting to protect my son?" She asked. When I nodded she went on "then let me ask you a question, exactly how old are you?" I had a feeling this question would come up and I was so glad I no longer had to lie.

"I'm eighteen" I told her.

"Why would an eighteen year old girl want to be with a thirty-three year old man?" She bluntly asked.

"Mom" Tank said but I interrupted him "it's okay" I told him "I admit I like older men and Tank is so sweet and kind how could I not fall in love with him." I told her smiling up at him.

"Well I guess that is a good enough reason." She smiled at me "My name is Mary" she said "please call me Mary." I nodded. I hoped that I had passed the test.

I had met Tank's father and brother when they picked us up. I was surprised to learn that his brother lived there with his parents to but I was surprised again when a short time later his sister popped out of her attic room. I was introduced to her on her way out the door. "I'm late for my run" she said as she hurried past "I'll catch up with you tonight" she said to Tank as she kissed him on the cheek then hurried out the door.

"How many people live here?" I whispered to him.

"There's five of us dad, mom, Stella, myself and Robby" he whispered back.

"How many brother's and sister's do you have?" I asked him later that day when we were alone. "Robby is my only other brother he is younger than me. Besides Stella who you met there is Patricia and Barb."

I did a quick count "there were five of you wow I could barely stand living with two sisters.

"You will probably meet Barb and her husband Leo tomorrow at dinner. They have a cute little girl. She is about five I think."

That night when his sister got home she came into our room "hey you two let's go down to Robby's room and hang out" she said. Tank was all for it so we went down to the basement. Why can't we sit in the living room? I wondered. I soon found out. Stella pulled out a joint and after lighting it passed it to Robby who passed it to Tank. I lit a cigarette and when Tank would have passed it to me I shook my head. I sat and listened to them catching up and reminiscing about the old days. "You sure you don't want any?" Stella asked me.

"I'm sure thanks anyway" I said. After that first time I let Tank go down there without me. I wasn't interested in getting high.

The longer I stayed with his family the farther away the carnival seemed. Then I called him Anthony one day instead of Tank. I thought man I can barely remember what being with the carnival felt like. So when the carnival was nearby I was very happy when Anthony came and asked "do you want to go to the carnival tonight?" We took off after supper and we spent several hours walking around and talking to everyone. Lenny had left soon after we did and went back to my home town with Lani. We did stop by to say hello to John but we didn't stay with him long.

"I'm glad we came out tonight" I said.

"Are you sorry you left?" Anthony asked.

"No I like being with you. There isn't any place I'd rather be."

Robby's girlfriend made an appearance after I had been there a couple of weeks. I instantly disliked her. Of course I didn't like Robby to much either. I kept my opinion to myself and didn't say much until she started touching Anthony. I knew it was innocent enough, she was teasing him. But, I didn't like it. For the first time in a long time I was getting jealous. I didn't like being jealous but I couldn't stand to see her touch him. Whenever she did it I would grit my teeth and say silently don't hit her, don't hit her. I finally couldn't stand it anymore. "Anthony" I said in our room one night "Are we going to get our own place soon?"

"I thought you liked living here." he said.

"I like your folks but I need my own space. Besides if we stay here much longer I'm going to end up killing your brothers' girlfriend. Then you will have to live without me because I'll be in jail" I told him.

"Are you serious? What did she do?" He asked.

"Does it look like I'm joking?" I said "I can't stand the fact that she touches you all the time. I tried not to let it bother me but it does, a lot." I was clearly frustrated.

"Okay babe we'll move into our own place."

Anthony was true to his word we moved into a studio apartment only a few weeks later. Thankfully it was two whole towns away from his siblings. I went out and found a job at a convenience store working nights. I also got a job from Anthony' brother in law. Barb's husband Leo was the manager of a little ice cream parlor. He offered me a job and wanting to contribute to our household I took it. I was working two to ten at the ice cream place five nights a week. Anthony would pick me up and on the nights I had to work at the convenience store he would drop me off there so I could work from eleven to seven. I liked working with the public and I was always friendly and helpful so the people liked me. On the nights I didn't have to work all night Leo offered to drive me home. We gratefully accepted. Anthony was working with one of his friends dismantling old furnaces. He had to leave early so he needed his sleep. The trips home with Leo were uneventful at first. Then I began flirting with him. I don't know why I did it. I wasn't particularly attracted to him it was just something I did. Before long I was servicing him on the way home. I knew he would never tell Anthony so I wasn't worried about him finding out. It also gave me more freedom at work to flirt with whomever I wanted to. If a man struck my fancy I would sometimes take him to the outside bathroom.

I was working at the convenience store and the guy who delivered donuts came in. He was very sexy. His name was Stan and of course I flirted with him. The next time he came in I was flirting with a customer and didn't even notice him. He waited until the customer had left and as I filled out the paperwork he said "Last time I was here you said I was the sexiest thing you had seen all night. Tonight I can't even get your attention."

I looked up surprised "now that's not true" I said recovering quickly. "I'm just playing hard to get. You discourage easily." I smiled. "Now don't go away unhappy" I said to him.

"Are you going to give me a reason to be happy?" He asked. "Maybe sometime but not tonight" I sassed him back.

"When are you working again?" He asked.

"I'm working every night for the next two weeks" I told him. He came in every night for the next two weeks and I got to know him. He was gorgeous and if he was to be believed, he was rich. Of course I didn't believe him. He was a lot of fun to talk to so I gave him my phone number. "Never call me at night because my boyfriend might answer" I told him.

"I won't but how about if I wake you up in the morning, can I do that?" he asked.

"That's okay anytime after nine" I said.

Near the end of the two week stretch I took Stan in the back room and we attempted to have sex. We had just gotten started when the bell over the door rang. Before that costumer left I got another one then another one. "Looks like this isn't going to work" Stan said. "I have to get back on the road."

"I know better luck next time." I smiled at him as he left.

It was soon after that while working I was offered a ride on this guys' brand new motorcycle. One of my coworkers was there and he agreed to cover for me. So I went for a quick spin. When I arrived at work the next day my boss told me to go flag down my ride and ask them to wait. Anthony's dad had dropped me off so after running out and asking him to wait I went back inside where I was fired for leaving while on duty. When I got outside and climbed back in the car I was doing some fast thinking on what excuse I was going to use. "What happened?" Tony wanted to know.

"I got fired I closed out my drawer last night and it came up thirty dollars short. They think I took it. But I didn't take it I swear" I said squeezing out some tears.

"I believe you. Always thought you were working to many jobs anyway. Don't worry about it" he said. So I didn't worry about it.

I wasn't worried about it until a few weeks later when Leo called a meeting "I have been informed that the store has been sold and we are all going to be replaced. We have two weeks left. Then we are all out of a job." I couldn't believe it. In the space of one month I was going to lose both my jobs.

I got a job working at a burger joint. I was getting tired of always having to rely on other people for rides so I took the bus down to the DMV on my day off and got my permit. When I showed Anthony that night he just shrugged "you didn't have to get that you know" he said.

"Anthony come on I have to start driving myself sooner or later." From that moment on I drove us everywhere. We met his brother and his girlfriend at a bar on the night before Thanksgiving. We were playing pool and hanging out. I had just come back from getting a coke when Anthony asked me for a dollar. Thinking that he wanted to go get another beer I handed him one. He rolled it up and leaning forward snorted a line of coke off the table. "What do you think you're doing?" I hissed pulling at his arm.

"What's the matter baby?" He asked.

"Calm down" Robby said.

Turning on Robby furiously I said "I don't care what you and your little friend do. But he is not going to be doing this kind of crap." I was getting louder as I went. "How would you feel if something happened to him because of you?"

"I'm out of here" Robby said.

I managed to get Anthony out of the bar and into the car. It had started snowing while we were inside. I wasn't used to driving in slippery conditions and was too busy yelling at Anthony for doing something so stupid that I didn't notice the van sliding in front of me. When I did notice I slammed on the brakes and pulled the wheel to the left. Now anyone that drives knows that unless we are in England that is a bad thing to do. I was prevented from entering into the other lane of traffic by the abrupt stop of the van in front of me. He had slid into the car in front of him, when he stopped I slid into his bumper and the car behind me slid into me. We all got out of our vehicles and not knowing what I was supposed to do I let Anthony handle it. When police and fire showed up they suggested I wait in the fire truck as I was shivering from the cold.

The policeman came to the fire truck and when I opened the door he asked "who was driving the car you were in?"

Handing him my permit I said "I was driving because Anthony had a few drinks and I wouldn't let him drive." I knew he had smelled beer on Anthony and I was so glad I was the one driving. When everything had been straightened out we had a tow truck pull our car off the van's bumper and drove it the four hundred yards to Anthony' parents house.

"What happened?" His dad asked me while we sat in his car waiting for Anthony to come out of the house.

"I told you I didn't stop in time."

His dad looked at me "I know what you told me but I also know my sons and I can tell something is going on so now I want the truth."

So I told him about the coke at the bar, I told him about Robby giving it to him, and I told him that I had been yelling at Anthony and not paying good enough attention.

"These things happen. I'll have the car fixed so don't worry about it and don't tell his mother about the drugs I'll deal with that also."

"Yes sir" I said as Anthony came out of the house. Everyone called me "crash" the next day when we went over for Thanksgiving. He did fix the car we had it back a month later. He must have talked to Robby because he never gave Anthony coke again. And none of us ever told his mother.

Almost every morning Stan would call and wake me up. We would talk until one of us had something to do. Sometimes we talked for hours. "When do I get to see you again?" He asked impatiently one morning.

"I don't know I guess I can tell Anthony I have to work on my day off and you could pick me up there." I suggested. The date was made. He picked me up in a luxury SUV. He took me to a nice restaurant where we never ran out of things to talk about. When we were back in the truck a phone rang. "That is to cool" I said after he hung up. There were no cell phones yet.

"You want to try it?" He asked.

"Sure but who would I call I know I'll call my mom." I made the call "hey mom, guess what I'm calling you from a car phone" I told her when she answered.

"Wherever you are you better call Anthony because he knows you're not at work" she told me

"What do you mean?" I asked nervously.

"I called to talk to you and apparently after you left work they called to see if you could go back in and work."

I didn't even say goodbye I just hung up. "Anthony knows I'm not at work. I have to get back."

He turned the truck around "call him" he suggested.

So after thinking quickly I called him "Anthony can you come pick me up from the mall down the street from the burger joint." I asked him as soon as he picked up.

"Why aren't you at work?" He asked.

"They decided they didn't need me after I got there and you weren't going to be home for at least a half hour so I came down here to watch a movie." I said.

"Oh okay I'll be there as soon as I can. They called looking for you to work. Do you want to go in?" He asked.

"No they could have let me stay but they didn't if someone called in after I left it is not my problem" I said irritated. "Can you drop me at the mall?" I asked Stan after I hung up.

"Sure thing" he said "It is scary how quickly you can come up with a lie that good. I almost believed you and I know what happened" he commented.

I laughed "they all don't come that easily. Believe me" I said.

"I'm not sure I can." He said half seriously.

Christmas time was coming around and I went out and bought gifts for everyone in Anthony family. I tried to make them thoughtful, useful gifts. Anthony looked over the things I bought "these are great honey. But you do know that it's not necessary right? No one expects us to get them anything" he said.

"Well then they are going to be surprised aren't they?" I said wrapping them up. I had never bought gifts for family members before. I wasn't expecting any back it had been a lot of years since I had received gifts from anyone other than Randy. Mom never had the money so it was no big deal. I just wanted to do something nice for Anthony' family because they had been so nice to me. I was taken by surprise however. When Christmas came around there were presents for me under the tree from everyone even Robbie. I was very glad I had bought the presents then. I would have felt horrible if I hadn't gotten them something. I was a wonderful day.

Stella left for a while to take a phone call when she came back she said "I have to go back to Georgia to get my things. Bert is going to throw them out if I don't get them. I'm going to need help." They all started talking at once. I was confused and Anthony seeing my confusion quietly explained "Stella moved back here just a few months ago. She was living with her boyfriend until they broke up. She left a lot of her stuff behind including her car." I nodded.

Tony held up his hand for quiet. It was a neat trick I have never seen anyone else pull off. They all stopped talking. "Anthony, you and I will fly back with her to help her pack. Then you and Stella can drive the car back with all her things." He decreed. Just that quickly it was decided. I didn't like it one bit. I was going to be alone over new years' our first new years. We had plans. I knew better to say anything though. I'd already seen how everyone obeyed Tony.

I was in a bad mood when I went into work the next day. I was working in the back making the food. I noticed a dark fry in the fry heater. I reached in and took it out and threw it in the trash can. He came over to me "in my office" he said. When I got in his office he closed the door "you know that there is no eating in the kitchen. You need to go punch out and go home" he said.

"What are you talking about I wasn't eating anything" I said confused.

"I saw you take that fry" he countered.

"I didn't eat the fry go look in the trash can I threw it away." I defended myself.

"Go home you can pick up your last paycheck tomorrow." He ushered me out of his office after I called and told Anthony to come get me. I knew why I had been fired and it had nothing to do with eating a fry. He was afraid that I was going to tell his fiancée that we had sex one night after closing. It was only one time and I never wanted to repeat the experience. But that was why he really fired me I just knew it. He was a little man only five foot three. I figured I would send Anthony in to get my check. Make him nervous. I watched through the window as Anthony went in and asked for the manager. When he came out he stopped dead even I could see the indecision on his face from across the parking lot. Did he go talk to this giant or not. He knew that Anthony was my boyfriend and he looked ferocious all the time. He came forward and talked to Anthony. He gave him my check and I put that job behind me.

Anthony left the next day for Georgia. If it wasn't for a couple that I had met I would have been lonely. They were both seniors in high school just a year younger than I was and liked hanging out at my place. Gee I wonder why. They came over and kept me company. They were both going to help out at the new years' celebrations working for the mayor. They got me a spot helping out also when they found out I was going to be alone.

Stan had a different idea "I have to go to my ranch in Cancun for a week. Why don't you come with me?" He suggested.

I was tempted but I didn't really believe him. "I don't think so" I said.

"Come on I have to go. Wouldn't you rather play in the sun and the surf? Than stay here and freeze it will be great. I'll tell you what I'll leave a ticket for you at the airport all you have to do is pick it up" he said.

"I don't know. Anthony is going to call me here. I don't want to miss his call." I said still not believing this rich guy story.

"Well it's up to you if I don't see you at the airport I'll call you when I get back." He said goodbye and hung up.

A few days later I started feeling sick. I figured that I'd stay at home and take it easy thinking I picked up a bug. I was lieing back in bed reading the newspaper when I saw an advertisement for a cruise line looking for workers. No experience required. I thought about it about how that would really get me away from Randy. I decided that a cruise ship job might be the way to go. I called for an application which was going to be mailed to me. I talked to the lady a little and she said that I was just the type they were looking for. That as long as I sent in the application I would more than likely get a job.

I was still feeling sick a few days later so I went to the free clinic. After asking me a bunch of questions they took some blood. The doctor came in a little while later "well young lady you're pregnant" he said. At my shocked look he became concerned "you didn't consider this a possibility?" He asked.

"I was told I could never have children" I said still in shock.

"Do you want this child?" He asked.

"I don't believe in abortion" I said. After giving me some prenatal vitamins and some advice he showed me out. I walked to the car in a daze. I don't remember the drive home at all. All I was thinking was what am I going to do now? I never wanted to bring a child into the world. But as I became accustomed to the idea something exceptional started to happen. I would put my hand over my stomach and I would fill up with warmth. I had been cold inside for so long I hadn't even realized I was frozen this little baby no bigger than a peanut was melting the ice around my soul. What was I going to tell Anthony? I wondered. Will he be happy? What's his family going to say? I didn't care what any of them said I was going to have this baby no matter what. It didn't help that Anthony never called the whole time he was away.

I did help out on new years with the other seniors. In reward we got to have Chinese food with the Mayor before the festivities. I didn't stay out all night though. I was home by eleven. I wanted to be sure I got enough rest.

Over the next week I anxiously waited for Anthony to come home. Worried about what he might say and do. I didn't tell anyone because I thought Anthony should be the first to know. I restlessly wandered the area around my apartment during the day and paced at night. I had morning sickness in the afternoons and I never ate breakfast so I wasn't getting a lot to eat. Finally Anthony called to say that he would be home in an hour. I cleaned up the already clean apartment. I straightened the already made bed. I fussed over anything that could be fussed over. Finally the door opened and there he was. "The rabbit died" I blurted as soon as I saw him. I didn't know where it came from I wasn't even aware that I knew that saying or if Anthony would know what I was talking about. It became obvious quickly that he did indeed know that saying.

He literally froze for a second "you're pregnant?" He asked carefully. With a sinking feeling all I could do was nod. "Are you sure?" He asked not moving. Again I nodded. He suddenly rushed forward and swung me up and around. "We're going to have a baby?" he asked again in a joyous voice "really?" He said looking for confirmation again. I still couldn't speak so I nodded. He kissed me and with a huge smile asked "when?"

I finally found my voice as I began to smile "July 8th" I said. "Oh I hope she holds out until the thirteenth. I want a baby girl on my birthday." He said happily.

"How do you know it's a girl?" I asked him.

"Because I want a girl" he said simply.

"Well I don't know anything about little girls I want a boy." I told him. I wanted a boy so much that I went out and bought all girl clothes. I knew if I wanted it this much I wasn't going to get it. As long as the baby was healthy I didn't really care.

I grabbed a coke out of the fridge and Anthony took it away from me. "Caffeine isn't good for the baby I'll run out and get you something else that doesn't have any." he offered. It was so sweet I let him go get some different soda for me. He came back with Sprite and I have been drinking it ever since. He watched what I ate like a hawk. He pushed me to eat health food and when I couldn't take the prenatal vitamins he called the clinic and found out I could take Flintstones vitamins instead and went right out and got me some.

As happy as he was Anthony was reluctant to tell his family. I didn't understand why. I told my family already and they were happy for us. So while Anthony was working I asked his dad to come pick me up so that I could do some laundry. I was standing in the kitchen lost in thought. "Penny for your thoughts" Tony said.

"I'm pregnant." I said without thinking.

He abruptly walked out of the kitchen. When he came in a minute later he handed me some money "take the bus home send Anthony over to get the laundry when he gets home" he told me before walking away.

I was devastated. Anthony had warned me not to tell them yet. I hadn't meant to it just came out. Maybe deep down I had meant to. When Anthony got home that night I told him what happened. He gave me a hug "don't worry about it hon, he'll come around" he said without much conviction. He left to go over to his parents. He was gone for hours.

I jumped up when he finally came home "what did they say?" I asked.

He sat on the bed "they are angry with me for not being more careful. They want me to talk you into having an abortion" he said wearily.

"Is that what you want?" I asked him.

"How can you even ask me that? This is our baby I want her as much as you do." I sat down and he pulled me into his chest as I cried.

"I want to go home" I said.

"What do you mean we are home" Anthony asked.

"No I want to go back to my town to my family. We need to move" I was adamant.

"Let's sleep on it tonight. You're not thinking straight. What about your husband?" He reminded me of the problem with going home.

"I don't care you can protect us. I want to go home." I said stubbornly. Anthony and I had gone back a few times to visit. He had met my family and they really liked him. He had even met Ray and Maggie already. The only friends he hadn't met were Brad and Alexis. I wanted to go back to the people that I knew best. I loved Anthony's family but they weren't my family. Sleeping on it wasn't going to change my mind.

"If I still want to go home tomorrow can we at least talk about it?" I asked.

"Yes" Anthony said giving in "we can talk about it."

Anthony was asleep when the phone rang an hour later. When I answered it Stan was on the other end "what are you doing calling me this late at night?" I asked looking to make sure Anthony was asleep.

"I'm out front. I wanted to know if you wanted to come for a ride with me" he said.

"Look Stan I can't I love Anthony and I'm pregnant. I can't see you anymore" I said and quietly hung up the phone. I looked up and Anthony was watching me. My heart stopped. He didn't say anything just rolled over and went back to sleep. He never mentioned that phone call.

Anthony's parents thought that us moving back to my home town was a good idea. I didn't know why they agreed but I was happy to have allies. It wasn't until almost six months later that his mother called and told us she was going to take us down there and help us find an apartment. We drove down just the three of us. Anthony and his mom did most of the talking. I didn't care where we lived as long as we were moving. Anthony' dad still wasn't speaking to me. He wouldn't even let me come over to their house anymore. I wanted to be where I would be in control of our lives and moving Anthony away from his family was the first step.

Mary bought a paper when we got there and we started calling apartments. We found a two bedroom we liked for less than we were paying for our studio. "Do you like it?" She asked us. When we said that we did she wrote out the check then and there. It was ours. We drove back with her and started packing. Anthony' family gave us all the things we would need to move into an unfurnished apartment. We moved the very next weekend.

CHAPTER 19

I wanted Anthony to meet Alexis so we drove over to her dad's business to find out where she lived. As soon as he saw me he laughed and said "I should have known it was your fault. She always did follow where you led."

I had no idea what he was talking about I hadn't seen or talked to Alexis in almost two years. "Can you tell me where to find her?" I asked him reluctant to ask him what he was talking about.

"Sure follow me" he said as he led us out of the building and into a second building. Alexis was working behind the counter. She had her back to us so her dad said "you have a visitor Alexis" She turns around and just stared at my swollen belly.

She started laughing when her dad joined in I began to get irritated "what" I demanded to know "is so funny?" Alexis came out from behind the high counter. I couldn't help but laugh to. She was very pregnant.

I turned to Danny "you can't blame me for that" I said.

"Really okay how far along are you? If she is farther along than you I will apologize."

I looked at Alexis "how far along are you?" I inquired.

"That's cheating you first" Danny laughingly said.

"Fine I'm seven months" I said looking at Alexis.

"Six months" she told me as her dad laughed.

`"See I told you it's entirely your fault" he said on his way out the door. I shook my head and laughed.

I introduced Anthony then asked "so who's the father?"

"You're not going to believe this" she said "remember Chad."

"Chad from school Chad the guy that you were in love with for two years Chad the guy that wouldn't give you the time of day, that Chad?" I asked shocked.

"Yes that Chad. He got me pregnant while he was broken up with his girlfriend and wants nothing to do with us now." She told me.

"I should kill that guy." I said.

Alexis walked me a ways away from Anthony. "What happened to Randy? I know something had to have happened because that obviously isn't him. That guy looks like he could eat him" she asked.

"I left him. He started drinking and he was a serious jerk when he was drinking and I eventually had enough. So I left. Last I heard he had told Debbie who told my mom that he was filing for divorce."

"Are you okay?" She asked.

"I'm better than okay" I replied

We had a good visit with Alexis. On our way out she motioned to Antony and whispered "I like him better than Randy."

"Me too" I replied.

I ran into Amanda at the grocery store one afternoon while Anthony was waiting outside. "Well how have you been?" She asked walking up to me. "I haven't seen you since you ran out on your husband. Obviously you found someone else to be with" eying my very pregnant belly.

I gave her my best fake smile. "Fine how have you been I heard you got married. But it wasn't to Tim." I said sweetly.

"Yes I did" she said.

"I also heard that he left you for cheating on him" I said.

"Yes we were separated" she said still smiling. That smile was making me suspicious.

"Well I hope that you don't get to lonely. I know how much you hate being alone" I told her.

"Oh I'm not alone your husband and I have gotten very well acquainted. Intimately acquainted" she said smugly. "I walked over to see how he was doing after you disappeared. He needed consoling."

"You broke up your marriage to sleep with my husband?" I asked incredulously. "You always did like my leftovers first Tim and now Randy. Well I hope that you and Randy are very happy together"

"Oh I didn't stay with Randy. When I got pregnant I went back to my husband. Randy was a mistake" She sauntered off after dropping that bomb. I was fuming inside it didn't make sense but I hated the idea of her with Randy. Why couldn't she keep her hands off my men? I was going to make sure to keep Anthony far away from her. I just thanked my lucky stars that Anthony was the father of my baby and not Randy.

It wasn't two weeks later we went to visit my mom and coming out of her apartment building was my husband. As soon as he saw me he came over to the car. He went down on his haunches so that he could see in the open window. "Hi how have you been?" he asked me.

"Fine" I answered.

"I can see that" he said looking at my pregnant belly. Anthony introduced himself when it became apparent that I wasn't going to.

"I have wanted to apologize for what happened between us and bury the hatchet."

Before I could respond Anthony says "want to go for a ride so you guys can talk?"

I looked at him in disbelief as Randy said "sure" and climbed in the back seat. I didn't want to talk to Randy at all let alone have him sitting behind me where I couldn't see him. I turned sideways in my seat as Anthony lit a joint and offered it to Randy. Again I looked at him in disbelief. What was he doing? Randy took the joint and drew deeply on it. I realized he was nervous. What did he have to be nervous about I wondered?

"You know I wouldn't have been surprised if you had gotten out of the car and punched my face in." He said to Anthony "I remember you from when I went to the carnival. Although I'm surprised it was you she was with. I thought it was the other guy that she liked." Anthony didn't comment. "I know that you had a good reason to leave and I'm glad that you're happy" he said to me glancing at Anthony "I don't want you to hate me." I had nothing to say.

Anthony stopped at the grocery store. "I have to run in and grab some cigarettes" he said. "I'll be right back"

There was no way he was leaving me alone out here in the dark with Randy. "I'll get them." I said jumping out of the car.

"I'll go with you" Randy said getting out also. I glared at Anthony when he just sat there. I stormed into the store "hang on a second. I wanted a chance to talk to you alone" Randy said hurrying to catch up with me. I'm sure of that I thought to myself.

I stopped walking "what do you want Randy?" I asked.

"I was wondering if you would come over to the apartment tomorrow so we can talk alone" he said. "I really am sorry and I will beg for your forgiveness. I know that you're obviously not coming back to me. But I would like us to be friends. Come on can't we be friends? I do still love you." He sounded sincere enough but I had been down that road before.

"I do not now nor ever want to be alone with you. I don't know what Anthony is thinking giving you this chance to talk to me but believe me it is never going to happen again. I don't trust you and I don't want to ever see you again." With that said I walked over bought the cigarettes and went back to the car. I was shaking so hard I almost dropped the cigarettes.

It was a silent ride back to drop Randy off at his car. As soon as we dropped him off I turned on Anthony. "What were you thinking? You know that I'm scared of him. Why would you do that?" I asked starting to cry from the release of the tension I felt.

"It is better to face an enemy than to run away" Anthony said.

"You ever put me in that position again we are done. It is my choice whether I want to talk to him or not." I stormed at him.

"Okay I'm sorry calm down before you upset the baby. I won't do it again."

My mom and Debbie showed up three days later "I have to tell you something" my mom said. "Perhaps you should sit down."

"Perhaps you should just tell me what you came to tell me" I teased.

Debbie butted in "Randy's dead and it's your fault" she said bluntly. I just looked at her so she went on. "He hung himself." Looking at them I knew they expected me to cry or feel bad. All I felt was an overpowering sense of relief. I didn't have to be afraid anymore. They were watching me pretty closely so I excused myself and went outside to stand on the porch. I sagged against the railing thinking of the last time I had seen him.

I went back inside "when?" I asked.

"What?" Mom asked blankly.

"When did he do this?" I asked.

"Two days ago. It took a while for someone to find him" she said.

I nodded and went back outside. Two days ago, I thought two days ago was when he wanted me to come over. What does that mean? The more I thought about it the more I believed that it meant one of two things that he wanted me to talk him out of it or he was going to take me with him. Either way the outcome was fine with me. He was dead and could never hurt me again. I turned nineteen five days later.

Anthony and I were spending a lot of time with Ray and Maggie. Maggie was running a summer playground for the local kids and I was doing my best to help. Ray took Anthony fishing and other guy stuff. Maggie had a friends little girl staying with them going to the summer program. The house was full. A couple of times Anthony and I spent the night just because it was easier. It was toward the end of summer that the girl's parents accused Ray of molesting her. I didn't believe it for a second. I knew it was possible but I didn't believe this girl. The police came and arrested Ray and Maggie was beside herself. She felt guilty for letting this girl in the house. She was convinced that the girls' parents were after the government money given to victims of child abuse.

She came to me one night "tell me the truth did Ray ever touch you?" She asked.

"No never" I lied without missing a beat.

"You would tell me if he did right?" She asked.

"Don't start doubting him now" I said side stepping the question. There was never a minute that I thought about telling her the truth. I was loyal to him one hundred percent. I was still under the impression that that was a good thing. I knew the trial when it finally came was going to be tough on everyone.

As my due date loomed ahead I was thinking more and more about how I didn't want to have a baby while I wasn't married. I broached the subject with Anthony one night while we were lying in bed. "Honey you love me right?" I asked.

"More than anything" he said sleepily.

"How would you feel about getting married?" I asked.

"If you want to its fine with me" he said going to sleep. I thought for sure he would not remember our conversation the next morning.

"So do you really want to get married?" He asked while we were eating breakfast. I nearly spit out my cereal.

"Yes I think we should be married before the baby is born" I said.

"Do you want a big wedding?" He asked.

"No I don't need a big wedding" I told him. "If we go to New Hampshire we don't even need blood tests" I informed him.

"Okay let's go check it out" he said.

We drove up to New Hampshire and talked to the county clerk. She told us "all you need is your husband's death certificate and identification" We also had to wait a certain number of days after filling out the paperwork.

"Can we fill out the paperwork now and then bring the death certificate with us when we come back?" I asked. She said we could so we did. We were married in the town hall on Anthony's birthday. We didn't tell anyone until it was done. Again my family reacted better than his.

Soon after we were married I went to Anthony "honey don't you think that it would be wiser if your social security checks came to us. After all we are out on our own now" I said.

"My mom has been in charge of my money since I started getting social security. She isn't going to like my changing it now" he said uncertainly.

"Babe I can handle our finances. You are going to be a father soon. We really should be responsible for paying our own bills." I pointed out.

"Maybe your right okay I'll talk to my mom then we can fill out the paperwork to change payees" he agreed.

"Let's go fill out the papers now. Your mom won't be available until tonight anyway. You can tell her then" I said helpfully.

"Okay let's do it" He said. We drove to the social security office and filled out the paperwork. As his wife I was approved to be his payee and they let us know that it would go through the next month. After Anthony called his mother he told me that she took it better than we expected saying that since I was his wife it seemed only natural that I take over the responsibility. They were letting us live our lives free from interference. I was grateful for that.

I couldn't sleep my back was really hurting and I couldn't find a comfortable position to lie in. Being uncomfortable was not unusual. I was two weeks overdue and I was huge. I was supposed to babysit for Maggie in the morning however, so I wanted to get some sleep. I took hot showers and paced. Anthony was sleeping like a baby. When morning finally came I was tired and in pain. Anthony got us into the car and down to Maggie's house. "I'm going to rip off anyone's head that messes with me today" I warned them.

"What's wrong? Tired of being pregnant?" Maggie teased.

I had tried everything to go into labor. I rode in the back of a bus over a bumpy road, I ate spicy food, and I even rode a moped as fast as I could over a field. It was a running joke with my family how much I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. "No my back was hurting all night so I didn't get any sleep. I tried hot water and walking nothing helped" I explained.

Maggie spread a blanket on the floor for me. "Lie on the floor" she said "sometimes the hard surface helps." So Anthony helped me to lie down and Maggie and Ray left.

"Anthony call the doctor there has to be something he can do to stop this pain in my back" I said after trying and failing to get comfortable.

Anthony called the doctor and explained the situation when he hung up he turned to Priscilla and said "go downstairs and get your grandmother. She is going to have to babysit after all because the doctor wants to see us." Looking at me he said "he thinks you're in labor."

"How can I be in labor? When you're in labor the contraction come and go. I haven't felt any pain go yet." I complained as Anthony helped me to my feet. He helped me out to the car and off we went to the doctors' office. When I got there they took me right in.

After checking me he said "yep just as I thought you are two centimeters dilated. You are in labor. You need to go check in at the hospital."

"Why does my back hurt so much?" I asked. "It looks like you're going to have back labor. It is painful but hopefully the baby will come soon.

It took ten minutes to reach the hospital and thanks to preregistration only ten more to get me in a room. When the nurse checked me at that point I was six centimeters dilated. "Looks like this one is moving fast" the nurse said.

"Fast, she's two weeks overdue." I grumbled. I got to the hospital at nine thirty and Leann was born at twelve twenty that afternoon. She was a big baby weighing almost nine pounds. After they cleaned her up they brought her over to me "give her to her father" I said all I wanted to do was sleep.

Anthony was a great father he changed all her diapers for the first two weeks which was a good thing since I had never changed a baby diaper in my life. He was a patient teacher. We agreed that breast feeding was best and a good thing we did Leann never would take a rubber nipple. I discovered I loved those times that she fell asleep in my arms but I found out the hard way that I couldn't stand to hear her cry for more than a few minutes. Anthony was a heavy sleeper so it was just me and Leann in the middle of the night.

One night she just wouldn't stop crying I fed her, I burped her, and I changed her diaper. I didn't know what she wanted. I was walking the floor with her trying to rock her back to sleep and she just kept screaming. I went into my bedroom "Anthony you have to wake up" I said shaking him.

"What?" he mumbled.

"I need you to take her she won't stop crying" but he had gone back to sleep and wouldn't wake back up. I was getting agitated "come on little one please stop crying" I begged her. She continued to scream I could feel the frustration rising inside of me. It seemed the more frustrated I became the louder she screamed. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore I went into her room and threw her into her crib. "Shut up" I screamed. She kept right on crying. I ran outside and ran until I couldn't hear her anymore. I sank onto the ground crying. As the frustration eased horror seeped in. What have I done I thought. I can't believe I did that. I hurried back inside to make sure she wasn't hurt. I scooped the screaming baby up and hugged her to me "I'm sorry I'm sorry" I said over and over again. "I'll never do that again" I promised her. And I never did. I still couldn't handle a screaming child but I knew where my breaking point was and on the very few occasions that she couldn't be consoled I would set her in her crib and leave the house until I was calm once again.

Debbie had fallen on hard times. She had divorced Dennis while I was away and her and her two kids were moving from place to place. She was over visiting which she did more often since Leann arrived. "I have to get my own place I can't continue to stay with my friends. They party all the time I just don't think that it is a safe place for my kids. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't have anyone else to watch them" she was telling us.

I looked at Anthony and I knew what he was thinking. He nodded at me I shook my head back. He gave me a look "you're welcome to stay here until you can get your own place. We can watch the kids while you work" he said looking at me.

"Sure why not?" I said not at all happy with this turn of events. I liked my niece and nephew but they weren't very well behaved. I had no patience for children that didn't listen. I know ironic isn't it? When Debbie had gone I turned on Anthony "are you crazy?" I asked. "Where are we going to put them? We only have two bedrooms. And those kids are wild. They don't listen to a thing she says." I was yelling by the time I finished.

"Relax babe, they're family and we are going to help them. The two kids can sleep on the floor in the baby's room and Debbie can sleep on the couch. As for the kids misbehaving they always do what you tell them" he said as if it wasn't a huge inconvenience.

"They do what I tell them because they are afraid that I will rip their little heads off if they don't. It will be different if they live here. I might actually rip their little heads off. You know I don't have patience for kids." I said trying to get him to realize this wasn't a good idea.

"It will be fine" was all he said as he took Leann in to feed her supper. Debbie moved in that weekend.

At first it was fine Debbie was careful to keep the kids in line and she tired them out before she left for work in the afternoon. The kids were behaving as well as could be expected. However children can't be expected to be on their best behavior forever and I knew that eventually there was going to be trouble. It came one night three weeks after they moved in. I ran to the store to pick up a gallon of milk and when I came home Leann was in her walker and the two kids were jumping from my sofa to the top of my glass coffee table then to the floor and then doing it all over again. Anthony was in the kitchen talking on the phone. "What is going on in here?" I yelled. Everybody froze and looked at me. "Why are you letting them do that?" I yelled at Anthony.

"I told them to stop they wouldn't listen then the phone rang just before you came in" he said.

Now I probably should have asked who was on the phone but instead I turned to Stacy the older of the two "did uncle Anthony tell you to stop." I asked angrily.

"Yeah but we're having fun" she said and jumped for the table.

I grabbed her midair and spanked her. She started crying as I went after Dennis Jr. I went to spank him and missed and my hand hit the side of the table and made a loud slapping noise. Grabbing him I spanked Dennis Jr. just once to make my point because he was only two years old "both of you stay off my furniture. "Anthony you can't just tell kids what to do you have to make them do it" I said as I turned to look at him.

He held out the phone to me "who is it?" I snapped.

"Their father" he said handing me the phone.

"What do you want?" I asked into the phone.

"How dare you hit my kids? I heard you hit them so don't deny it" he shouted.

"I'm not denying it I spanked them both or would you rather they get cut to ribbons when they go through the glass table?" I asked.

"I'm calling Debbie and the police. I'm going to have you arrested for child abuse" he threatened.

"Dennis you do whatever you want. I'm the one taking care of your children when it should be you. You want to start throwing around accusations why don't you start with the fact that you don't support these kids I do, you don't watch these kids I do, and you don't ever discipline these kids but I sure will if you don't like it that is just too bad." Then I hung up on him.

The police stopped by with Dennis an hour later both children were sitting quietly watching cartoons washed up and in their pajamas. They questioned me about what had happened and I told them. After examining both children for injuries or marks and talking with them they informed me that Dennis was going to take the kids with him. "The only way these children are leaving my house is if you get my sister on the phone to tell me its okay. I have the custody papers in the file cabinet and it is not your time to have them" I said to Dennis. The police advised him to call my sister and see if she would be agreeable to him taking them for the night. He called Debbie and after getting permission from her they all left.

I was nursing Leann when Debbie got home that night. "What happened tonight?" She asked. When I told her she got angry with me. "How could you spank my kids?" She said angrily.

"I'm not going to let your kids do whatever they want. It's not going to happen. You don't like the way I handle them arrange for another babysitter and move out." I stated plainly.

"I'm going to start looking tomorrow" she said.

I smiled "please do" I said not bothered by the thought at all.

"You never really wanted us here in the first place" Debbie said starting to get loud.

"You can lower your voice because if you wake this baby up you will be spending the night in your car. And no, I didn't want you here because I knew this was going to happen. You let those kids do whatever they want and if something gets broken it oh well but it's not going to happen here. My stuff isn't great but if you want to let them jump on top of a glass coffee table then you pay me for it now. Then if your kids kill themselves it will be your fault." I was starting to get loud myself so I went and put Leann in her crib. "If I wasn't okay with you moving in here and if I didn't want to help you. You wouldn't have moved in here. I'm in control of my husband. If I didn't agree with him on some level it wouldn't have happened now goodnight. Without giving her a chance to respond I went into my bedroom and quietly closed the door.

"I'm sorry about jumping on you last night. I was tired and in a bad mood" Debbie said when she got up the next morning.

"Fine whatever you better call Dennis he has called for you three times already." I said. I listened as she yelled at Dennis for taking the children and for overreacting to their receiving punishment. She reminded him that she was the kids' mom and she would leave them with whomever she saw fit. It's about time she started standing up to him I thought.

I didn't mind helping my sister out but have you ever noticed that family has a bad habit of taking for granted that they can do whatever they want and get away with it. Debbie was no exception for instance one night I was up sitting in the living room in the dark nursing Leann. It was almost midnight I knew that Debbie would be home from work any minute but I wasn't expecting what happened. Debbie came in flipped on the light and following her in was a strange man. "What the heck?" I exclaimed as I grabbed a nearby blanket to cover myself.

"This is Andy he works with me." She said as if it was the middle of the day instead of the middle of the night. I decided not to say anything in front of her friend so I went in and put Leann in her crib and went back to bed.

Then the TV went on and they were talking and laughing so loudly it was like they were in the same room with me. When Leann started crying that was the last straw. I left my room "he needs to leave" I said on my way through to get Leann. When I got her back to sleep I went out to the living room. He was gone and Debbie was lying on the couch with the lights off. I turned them back on. "What are you doing?" I asked. "You have no consideration for the other people that live here. I don't get a lot of sleep as it is. Do you really think it is appropriate to bring men into my house?" I asked.

"What's the big deal I not allowed to have friends now? She said sitting up.

"No you're not allowed to have friends over in the middle of the night. This is a small apartment and you never did know how to be quiet. If you want to bring guys home get your own home." I told her.

"Fine I will" she said. Somehow I doubted that she meant it. I was starting to fear that she was never going to leave.

The final straw came about a month later. Leann was in her walker playing with her toys. Dennis was playing with his trucks on the floor when he began rolling them up the side of the coffee table and across the glass "keep your trucks on the floor Dennis" I said. When he ignored me I took his trucks away. When I came back from putting his trucks in my bedroom I saw him pick up his mothers keys walk up to my six month old baby and hit her on top of the head with the keys. Leann started screaming and after picking her up and handing her to Anthony I grabbed Dennis' arm and spanked him.

"Don't spank my son" Debbie starting yelling.

"He hit the baby he needed to be spanked." I replied.

"I'm right here if he needs to be disciplined then I'll do it" she shouted.

"That's the problem you never do. You just tell him not to do it again and let it go. That's not discipline." I yelled right back.

"How I discipline my kids is none of your business" she retorted.

"That's it" I said grabbing the diaper bag "we're going to go visit Anthony's family I want you gone when I get home. No more waiting find something and get out." Without giving Anthony a chance to say anything I hurried them out of the house and we were off. Anthony wisely didn't say anything or maybe he was tired of having them there as well. I never asked.

We came home three days later. "I found a place and we are moving in two weeks." Debbie said as soon as I walked in.

"See that you do" was the only thing I said to her. She left the kids with me that night but I didn't care they were leaving. When they moved out I did agree to babysit for a month in her apartment. I figured that was more than enough time to find someone else. To my surprise the kids were unhappy about not seeing me every day. It made me feel good when they said that I was their favorite auntie. I guess kids really do want discipline I thought.

CHAPTER 20

Anthony and I visited Alexis as much as possible. She moved into an apartment complex. Sort of like projects only cleaner and without graffiti. Both Anthony and I thought it was a nice place so when an apartment opened up we took it. We moved in only two buildings down from where Alexis lived. We were together all the time after that. I met her boyfriend Bert and he met Anthony.

One night I was over visiting Alexis and Bert when he pulls out a bag of weed and rolls a joint. "Come on" Alexis said when they went into the bathroom to smoke.

"No you go ahead I don't smoke" I said "I have tried it with Anthony once or twice before I had Leann and it doesn't do anything for me" I explained.

"Well then it won't hurt to smoke with me after all I used to drink with you" she teased.

"Okay fine" I said giving in. After we were finished I went home and climbed into bed with Anthony. As I was laying there I noticed that I felt strange. I couldn't figure out whether I was thinking or talking out loud. Finally I asked Anthony "did I say that out loud?" When he didn't know what I was talking about I said "man if this is high I'm not sure I like it.

But I continued to smoke with Alexis whenever she asked me to. "If you can smoke with her you can smoke with me" Anthony complained. So we bought some weed and I smoked with him. I would only smoke at night after Leann was in bed. At first we smoked occasionally, and then on weekends, after about eight months we were smoking every night. Everyone liked being at our house because we didn't mind sharing.

Thanks to Anthony' medications he slept a lot. I hated feeling like the only person in the house so I would hound him to get up not understanding that the medicine kept him drowsy. We fought about that a lot. I would nag at him when he was in bed and try to get him to get up. I would get angry when he wouldn't.

Ray's trial date finally arrived. I testified for him disputing the girl's statement that she slept on the couch. I testified that the nights we had the summer program I slept on the couch. The prosecutor tore my story apart.

The last morning of testimony we all drove together. "Go on in I'll be inside in a minute" I said when we got there. After they went in I hurried to the parking lot and finding the car I was looking for and making sure that there wasn't anyone around. I crawled under it and cut the brake lines halfway through so they would not leak out right away. When I came in they all looked at me but I just shook my head.

The rest of the trial went no better even though there was no physical evidence he was convicted and sent to jail for two years. Maggie swore that we would get even with them. I told them what I had done in the car after we left the courthouse. "We need to make them pay for what they have done to this family." Maggie said.

I knew as the oldest it fell to me to avenge her. Phil came to me "I know that you're planning something" he said "I want to help."

I looked at him "when I figure out what I'm going to do I'll let you know." I said.

"No I want to come with you now. We can plan together" he said. So I took him home with me.

Phil and I had gone to the store for cigarettes when I saw the BB guns. I walked over to check them out. There were some powerful guns for sale. After some conversation Phil and I both stole one. We practiced that night knocking over cans. We also drove around shooting up places that we felt had wronged us in some way. Over the course of the next few nights I made my plan. If they were going to get someone thrown in jail so they could cash in then it was going to cost them far more than they were going to get.

We drove up to their house and parked about a quarter mile away. We crept through the brush until we could see their vehicles. One had gone over the bank in front of the house. "I guess they made it home" I whispered. I pointed Phil toward a car that was nearer to the road and I crawled closer to a truck in the driveway. The guns came with little darts so we already agreed to shoot the tires first, since it would be quieter than breaking windows, then we would fire several shots into the windshield before running back to our car. I shot at the tire and was rewarded with a soft hiss. I fired several more darts before filling up with pellets. I took steady aim and fired as fast as I could. I got off five shots across the windshield and two at each of the side windows before taking off.

On the way home Phil had a thought "they're going to know it's us unless we shoot some other things." So Phil fired some random shots at other people's houses and cars. I didn't like the idea but I would do anything to avenge Ray. Three nights later we went again. We aimed more for the windows this time. Three nights later we went again aiming again for the tires.

We waited a week before driving up there during the day. There were no cars there but there was a big dog chained to the front door. We made our way around to the back of the house. I went over to the propane tank and turned it up all the way. Thinking that it may pump gas into the house and blow the house up when they came home. Thank God I didn't know anything about propane tanks. We trashed their satellite dish and I tried to break in the back door.

Phil brought a friend with us this time and while I was trying to jimmy the back door he was whispering loudly trying to get our attention. I was at the back door and Phil was on the steps behind me. His friend was across the yard behind a shed. He kept poking his head around and calling out. Getting frustrated I turned around and shot him in the forehead. "Will you shut up" I said. Again, thank God it wasn't a real gun. "Come on let's get out of here" I said "this isn't going to work."

There were two small dogs in a pen behind the house. "Look at these poor dogs. They are skin and bones I know let's take them with us" Phil suggested. I thought why not so I grabbed one and Phil grabbed the other. They were half starved, matted and dirty. We found them good homes.

I was driving to Maggie's house with Phil and his friend when he decided that he was going to shoot out the window of the house next door to his mom's. "No you can't it's to close" I told him driving all the way on the other side of the road and speeding up hoping that he wouldn't hit it. He shot the window and we could see that it hit. "You idiot now we can't stop here" I said as I drove by. When I came to Dylan's driveway I drove in. We parked and Phil was showing off his gun when a cruiser pulled in behind us. I casually walked over and dropped my gun behind some hay bales. The boys dropped theirs inside the car.

After looking inside the car the cop saw the gun in plain sight and reaching in through the open window he picked it up. The cops came over to me "do you want to tell me who shot the BB gun at a window down the street. I figured that we were screwed so I said "it wasn't me" I wasn't going down for something I told them not to do. The cop pulled me aside "who was it?" he asked. "I think it was the little guy over there." I said knowing that he was a minor and would get in less trouble than me or Phil.

Meanwhile the other cop had searched Phil and found a bag of weed on him. "It's not mine it's her husbands'" he said "these are his jeans I didn't know that was in there." Now the weed was mine but he had insisted on holding it. Had he said that it was mine I might have taken the blame probably not but you never know. But when he tried to get Anthony in trouble he was on his own.

So when the cop looked at me I shook my head. "Will you come down to the station and talk to one of our detectives tomorrow if we let you go tonight?" The cop asked me.

"Yes sir I'll be there" I said.

"You can't drive that car home. You don't have a current license" he reminded me.

"I'll drive her home" Dylan said. I was just glad I hadn't been in the car when they showed up or they would have arrested me for driving with a suspended license.

Dylan drove me home and I showed my appreciation the way I knew he wanted me to. When we got there I told Anthony what happened and he was very supportive after all he knew what we had been doing.

When I went to the police station the next day I was sitting waiting for the detective when the door opened and Dylan walked in carrying my gun. He gave it to the desk clerk and walked back out without looking at me. I knew I was good and busted then. I gave my statement with as few details as possible denying any other shootings except for the one window. I needed to talk to the others and find out what they had said.

We were told to stay away from one another so we met secretly in the woods coming in from three different directions. That's when we found out that Phil's friend had talked a lot to get a deal. He told them about the damage Phil and I had done around where I lived, nice of Phil to tell him about all that. He hadn't told them everything. He didn't mention the house we had visited on so many occasions, probably because he didn't want to implicate himself. So I cautioned him to say nothing more without a lawyer. We were all formally charged not long after. I got the most charges because I was the oldest. I chose to plead guilty and paid restitution for the few things they had us on. We never did talk to anyone else in any other jurisdiction. I got probation for two years.

Although we fought Anthony and I had a lot of good times together. One of our favorite things to do was visit the water park. He would float around the lazy river with Leann on his chest. We took turns going down the rides we couldn't take her down. We liked a lot of the same things. We had the same educational background. Anthony also quit in the eighth grade but he was crazy smart. He could have been a math genius. We liked the same music, the same shows on TV, the same kinds of food, and even the same brand of cigarettes. He was willing to do what I wanted most of the time. The only things we ever fought about were his sleeping and Leann. He didn't believe in discipline. He believed that kids should learn through natural consequences only. For instance Leann had a fascination with outlets. I would smack her hands when she tried to play with them Anthony wanted to let her find out why she shouldn't play with them. I didn't go for that.

We smoked a lot of weed and Anthony drank a lot of beer and for the most part we were happy. But I just couldn't stop nagging him about getting up and spending time with me. Even on the few occasions I managed to get him out of bed he would fall back to sleep on the sofa. One day Alexis and I wanted to run to the store so we asked Anthony to keep an eye on the babies. They were both in little jumpy swings in two doorways. "Anthony don't fall back to sleep. We won't be gone long. Just ten minutes" I warned him. When we got back we could hear the babies crying before we even got into the apartment building. Alexis and I each picked up our child "Anthony" I yelled. He was sleeping on the sofa. I couldn't believe it he couldn't even watch his kid for ten minutes. Thank God that the kids weren't hurt just bored. When he was awake things were so good that I couldn't stand him sleeping all the time. And I just couldn't let it go.

That summer Anthony went back to traveling with the carnival. He was hardly ever home and when he finally did come home something was different. He was moody, he slept in his clothes, and he didn't want sex, or food, or to smoke weed. After two weeks like this I had an idea of what might be going on. I waited until he got in the shower and I went through his pockets. Sure enough I found a little bag of coke. I was waiting on the bed when he came out. "I found this in your pants" I said holding it up "what do think you're doing bringing this into my house?"

"I can do whatever I want it's my house to" Anthony said attempting to take it away from me. I went around him and ran into the bathroom and flushed it down the toilet.

"No, you're not doing that" I stated.

He put his hands around my throat and pushed me against the wall. "You can't tell me what to do" he said as he choked me. I slapped at his arms and he suddenly dropped them. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to do that" he said.

I walked away from him into the living room and sank down on the floor. Wrapping my arms around my knees I looked out the window and tried hard not to go back in time. Anthony came and sat next to me close but not touching. "I wasn't thinking" he said "I never would do that to you if I had been thinking about it. I'm so sorry."

"You need to leave your obviously not happy here. Go visit your family for a few days. Just get out and leave me alone for awhile." Without an argument he left.

His mom called me that night. "What is going on Anthony won't tell me anything?"

So I explained "Anthony has to figure out if he wants to be here with us. If he wants to come back he has to stay off the coke because if he touches me again there will be no coming back."

"Oh God did he hit you?" She asked.

"Something like that" I said.

"I'm so sorry" she said "I'll talk to him." We said our goodbyes and Anthony came back three days later.

He stayed for another month but it wasn't the same he didn't want to be here anymore. I wasn't easy to live with and he didn't want to try. "I love you Anthony but if you want to go go I'm not going to keep you here if you don't want to be here." I told him. So he left. I was surprised at how little I really cared. He came back one night and took the plates off the car so I couldn't drive it. So since he didn't want me to have the car I sold it for an once of weed. The car died twenty miles down the road and my weed got stolen by the guy I asked to sell it for me so no one made out on that deal.

I had a few troubles after Anthony left. I had no money, no job, and no car. So I went on welfare. The apartment complexes rent was based on my income so that wasn't a problem. I had food stamps for food and welfare provided cash for essentials and bills. The couple in the apartment across the hall liked to go out a lot. He was my dealer for weed so we traded. I babysat his kids and he kept me supplied with pot. It was an easy life.

I was friends with most of the people in the building and one morning there was a knock on the door. One of the kids in my building had found a dog running around in the freezing rain. His mom wouldn't let him keep her so he brought her to me. She was a beautiful chocolate lab. Well mannered and expertly trained. I fell in love with her that first night and named her Cocoa. She would play catch with Leann for hours. I could tell her to go sleep with Leann and she would nose open the door just enough to slip inside and curl up on the bed.

Two weeks later I was at Alexis' waiting for her to get back from checking the mail. When she came in she said "down at the office there is a lost dog flier up with Cocoa's picture on it. Here is the number" handing me a slip of paper. I didn't want to call that number but if she had been my dog I would want to get her back.

So I dialed the phone when the guy answered I said "I'm calling about your missing dog."

"We don't have a missing dog" he replied.

"Are you sure? I got your number off a flier for a missing dog." I said confused.

"Look we don't have a missing dog" he said and hung up.

"Looks like she isn't his thank God" I told Alexis what he had said on the phone.

Before she could say anything the phone rang Alexis answered it and after a second said "hang on" and handed me the phone.

"Yeah" I said into the phone.

"Did you just call about the lost dog?" A woman asked.

"I did" I replied.

"You found a chocolate lab with no collar?" She asked.

"I did" I repeated.

"Well she is my dog and if you don't mind I can come pick her up tonight" she said.

"Yeah that's fine" I sighed before I could even tell her where I lived she hung up. So you can imagine my surprise when she rang my buzzer that night. They took Cocoa and left. I missed that dog more than anything.

Several weeks later I saw her again. She was tied to a very short chain in front of a rundown house. I called her name and she looked so happy to see me. She was wagging her little stump of a tail around. I was about to walk over a pet her when a man came out of the house and yanking her by the collar pulled her inside. It was so unnecessary I never even had to put a leash on Cocoa when I had her. She listened very well. I was so mad at myself for giving her back.

Anthony went to court and filed for visitation rights. He hadn't even called to ask me about visitation I would have let him see Leann. When I got the paperwork from the courts I decided it was time to move back home to be closer to my family. The first time Leann had to go for visitation Anthony sent his mom. I cried watching her leave hating that I was in this position.

I found a reasonably priced apartment upstairs from my sister Rachel. I was packing up the moving van that I had rented for the weekend when Cocoa ran up to me dragging a length of chain. I didn't even have to think about it. I brought her upstairs and hid her until I moved at the end of the week.

I got a job almost immediately. I worked hard and made pretty good money. I was working nights at a plastics factory. Debbie took care of Leann at night while I worked. I would sleep all day while Leann watched cartoons. I would leave her some lunch and juice boxes in the fridge. I don't know what I would have done if she wasn't such a well behaved child. As soon as I could I put her in daycare.

I eventually made friends with the guy who lived next door. He had two little boys and we got together and let our kids play. He helped keep the loneliness at bay. He was probably the first guy friend I ever really had in my adult life. Not that nineteen was very adult. He would come over on weekends after the kids were in bed and watch TV for a couple of hours. I really enjoyed those quiet nights. I hated to see them end but I moved again to a better apartment. This time the apartment was upstairs from my mom.

I wasn't really seeing anyone. I had run into David a couple times and brought him home. I ran into Luke a few times and went out with him on the Harley but they were brief encounters and I was lonely.
CHAPTER 21

Then one day at work I met Gary. He came over to work on a problem on my machine. He had to crawl under the front of the machine while I was still working. He was directly in front of me on his knees and I made a suggestive comment. He smiled up at me and a new relationship was born.

We would take breaks together and talk. I liked him more and more every day. We eventually moved away from everyone else and started sitting by ourselves in the grass on the side of the building. "We should get together at my place after work" I said.

"You know that I'm married right? He asked.

"Yeah I know so what. I don't want to date you." I told him with a smile.

"What do you want?" He asked.

"An affair with no strings attached. I love sleeping with married men it's so uncomplicated" I said "if you're interested I do have rules that have to be followed or it's not going to happen" I informed him.

"Okay what are your rules?" He asked.

"You can never tell your wife. I don't want a boyfriend so don't even think about leaving your wife. There is no spending the night ever. Never come over if my daughter is at home. I don't want to confuse her. Never ever make the mistake of getting emotionally involved with me, because I won't get emotionally involved with you. For me it is just sex I explained.

"I can handle that" he assured me.

"Oh and I'm on birth control so we don't have to worry about any surprises" I said.

"You don't have to worry about that. I had a vasectomy twenty years ago" he explained. I was thrilled I hated taking birth control and now I could stop.

That morning he got in my car and we went for a drive as soon as we drove away from work I took out a joint and lit it. I handed it to him without considering that he may not even smoke. He took it like we did it every day. I found out later that he had been smoking pot for close to fifteen years. We eventually went to my place and when we got there I led him to the bedroom.

"Hang on, before we start anything I should tell you that I'm a convicted sex offender. I was falsely convicted of touching my daughters breast" he went on to tell me a heart breaking story of losing both his daughters to the court system. "I swear I didn't do anything wrong. My daughters would tell you the same thing. They both live with my wife and I. The court gave them back to me."

I wanted to believe him after all Ray had been wrongly convicted so it happens. "I believe you" I said. But I would never leave him alone with my daughter. I can never be to careful" I thought.

With that settled we started having an affair. He was a wonderful lover just as good as Ray was but in a different way. He brought out a side of me that I wasn't aware I had. I became more open to trying new things. Together we played with bondage and the rougher he was the more excited I became. He was nervous at first but when I told him that he couldn't hurt me that it all felt good to me he lost his apprehension and gave me what I needed what I had been accustomed to before Anthony.

I was watching TV when I noticed it the first time. I was really into watching Law and Order. I had just started watching the special victim's unit episodes. A lady got on a subway and she was pushed into the wall and raped. I got excited. I couldn't believe that I would get excited over that but time and time again when a woman was raped I got stimulated. I asked Gary to pretend to rape me one night and it was the best sex I could remember having. I would go on-line and find rape stories to read the more graphic the better. I couldn't get enough of it. I began to fantasize about actually being raped. I would lie in bed at night and masturbate while fantasizing. It was all I could think about. I urged Gary to be rougher and rougher in bed. I got off on the pain but what I really liked was the thought of raping someone else. I would dream about Gary and I kidnapping and raping some random woman. I never had the guts to tell him this particular fantasy.

We would get together as often as possible. At first it was only after work then he would drop by during the day. He took me to see the house they were building and I ran into David at the site. "This is my contractor" he said attempting to introduce us.

"I know David" I said "I have known him for years." Gary walked away to check on something David had pointed out.

David looked at me. "What are you doing with that guy? He asked.

"Don't ask me questions that you wouldn't want me to answer about you" I said with a smile. "Just be careful" he said as Gary walked toward us.

"I always am" I assured him.

One afternoon he called his wife from my phone while I was in the bathroom. He was talking when I came in the bedroom so I stayed quiet until he was finished. "What are you thinking?" I asked as soon as he hung up.

"I just told her I was going to be late picking her up" he explained.

"Are you crazy people have caller ID you know" I was seriously upset with him for endangering our arrangement.

He had another thought in mind which he wasn't sharing with me. I was in bed that night when there was a knock on the door. Gary was on the other side when I opened it. "She knows about us" he said when he walked past me.

"What do you mean she knows about us?" I asked not wanting to think what I was thinking.

"I told her about us. She went off on me about the number I called from and I told her. Then I left. I can stay here right?" He asked hopefully.

I should have sent him packing right then. But I let him in without thinking about the consequences. "Yes you can stay" I said. We had been sleeping together for six months and this would be the first time we shared a bed all night. But I felt like I had no choice. If I had thought about it for more than five seconds I would have remembered that I told him not to do this and I wouldn't have felt obligated to let him move in. But move in he did.

Turns out his wife was crazy, she found out where I lived and stalked us. She tried on two different occasions to run me off the road. She went to our work and caused scenes in front of everyone. It didn't take long for everyone to know that I broke up her marriage. The reactions were varied but people thought that they could come up and voice their opinion. I quit that job and got a job working with Debbie at another plastics factory.

His wife parked outside my house one night and just sat there. My mom who lived downstairs and was aware of the situation called the cops. When they showed up she came to my door and yelled for Gary. The cop got her away from the door and they were standing below my window and I was listening when he said "ma'am so far you have been lucky she doesn't want to get into it with you. But she is not always going to back down and if you push her to far your going to be the loser. Accept the situation and stay away from here."

However, she wasn't ready to accept the situation she called and when Gary picked up she told him "if you don't come home I'm going to call the cops and tell them that you raped me and you will go to jail."

Gary was freaked out when he got off the phone. "Call the cops first and get it on record that she threatened you this way." I advised. So he called the cops and got it on record. We stopped answering the phone when she called so she left me a message telling me that he had molested his daughters and that I should kick him out. I looked at Gary and deleted the message. When social services showed up at my door I got angry. After talking to me about Gary at which time I assured them that Gary wasn't living with me they went away. We had figured she was going to pull something like that so Gary had rented a room at a nearby boarding house and had moved in there. She went to my sister Rachel's house next. Now my whole family had met Gary and liked him. I hadn't told them about his conviction however.

So when she went to Rachel's she spilled the entire story making it sound worse than it was. Rachel politely asked her to leave and then she called me. "Gary's wife was just here. Did you forget to tell me something?" She asked.

"No I told you all you needed to know" I said.

"I'm a licensed foster home I could have lost my license for having him here" she said obviously upset.

"No you could have lost it if he had been alone with any of the children he wasn't so there is no problem" I said.

"You had no right to withhold that kind of information" she said angrily.

"Okay I'm sorry" I said trying to placate her.

When nothing she did worked she told everyone around that Gary was a sex offender. We found that out when Gary had to call David about the house. David was giving him a hard time about not working for a sex offender when I took the phone "hey David hang on just a second" I said "what's your problem?" I asked.

"How can you be with him knowing what he is?" He asked in return.

"What is he, a man? Do you remember how old was I the first time you took me for a ride in your truck? If I remember right I was thirteen so I would be careful calling people those kinds of names." I handed the phone back to Gary. We didn't have any more problems with David.

When Gary agreed to let her have the house she finally left us alone and when Leann went to stay with her dad for the summer Gary moved back in with me. We had fun together. He tried to give me everything I ever wanted even bought me a miniature Doberman that I fell in love with.

Things were going really good until Ray got out of jail. I was walking down the street when Ray pulled up beside me. He rolled down the window "get in" he said. I got in. "How have you been?" he asked.

"Alright" I said. How do you like being home?" I asked.

"It's different than before. Maggie has changed. She has been doing things her own way for awhile and she is not adjusting as quickly as I had hoped to me being back" he complained.

"Give her time she loves you. She will get where you want her to be she always does" I reminded him.

We drove to a secluded part of a local dam and walked down to the water. When I pulled out a cigarette Ray pulled out his lighter to light it. As I inhaled I did it the way you do it when your smoking a joint. Ray immediately noticed "who've you been smoking with?" He asked.

"I'm going with someone now. His name's Gary" I said.

"He obviously has been smoking something other than cigarettes with you. Since when do you smoke pot?" He asked.

"We may smoke weed together but I was smoking pot long before he came along" I said. "Look I know what you want right now and I can't. I don't want to cheat on him. He has been good to me" I told him determined that he wasn't going to change my mind.

"I just want to talk. I've missed you the few times I called you weren't enough." he said innocently.

"Oh really, now why don't I believe you?" I asked with a smile.

"Because you are a very smart woman" Ray said as he crowded close in front of me. "I do want you just like I have always wanted you. You know how good we are together. Come on tell me you want me to" he said gently taking my face in his hands and lifting my lips to his.

I stood very still. "Ray it's not going to happen" I said quietly not at all sure that it wasn't. I didn't want to cheat on Gary but this was Ray. I loved Ray, I loved how he made me feel, I loved how well he knew my body always knowing the right buttons to push, and I loved how he could always make my body do what he wanted it to. I had been under his spell for so long it was almost impossible to not want to be with him. But I could fake not wanting to be with him. "I'm not going to do this" I said shaking my head.

Gary had met Maggie several times. We spent some time with her and the kids. When Ray came home I thought things would be the same as before. He had always met my boyfriends and kept his distance. But things weren't the same. Ray didn't like Gary at all. I don't know what it was but Ray felt threatened by my relationship with Gary. He actively tried to break us up. He and Maggie would show up at my house and whenever Maggie was out of earshot he would make comments about how good we were together and how much fun we had. I didn't know what to do about this. Obviously he didn't care if Gary knew about our relationship. He had never acted like this before.

"Have you been with him since he's been home?" Gary asked after they had gone.

"No I haven't even been alone with him since he's been back" I lied. "Why?"

"When you and Maggie went into the other room he told me that he's been having sex with you since he got home. He said that he saw you the day after he got home and that you were thrilled to start things up with him again" Gary said unhappily. What was Ray thinking. I couldn't believe that he would say these things to Gary.

"Look I'm not going to lie to you. Ray and I had an affair for a very long time. I loved him a lot, I still love him but not like I love you" I told him.

Gary hugged me to him. "Do you know that is the first time you have ever said that to me?" He asked happily. Yes I was well aware of that but what else could I have said to put his fears to rest. I wanted to strangle Ray for putting me in this position.

When Gary took me out for dinner on my birthday Ray showed up at the restaurant with a red rose. Not saying a word he set the flower on the table in front of me and walked out. I had never seen Gary so angry. "Are you seriously not going to say anything to him?" he asked. For a second I didn't hear him. I was amazed that Ray had remembered it was my birthday he had never shown interest before.

"What?" I said looking up from smelling the flower. "Right" I replied "be right back." I caught up with Ray outside. "What are you trying to do? Get me in trouble. He thinks you are trying to break us up you know." I said trying to sound stern.

"He's right I am" he said "for heavens sake why? You never did this before. Why now?" I really wanted to know.

"I don't like him, I don't like him with you and I don't want to see all the things I taught you wasted on him" he said.

"Look I'm with him now and you need to stop interfering. Beside I don't need to use the things you taught me he is teaching me new things" I said.

"New things huh, well I remember you asking me not to interfere once before and you were happy later that I did. I have always known what's best for you and I still know what's best for you. So no, I'm not going to stop not now, not ever." He said smugly.

"You need to leave us alone" I said then stalked back into the restaurant totally irritated not only with Ray but with Gary also. "I talked to him for all the good it did. You know if you wouldn't let him bother you he would get bored and go away" I told him.

"If you believe that you are blind. He obviously thinks that he has some right to you and I don't like it." Gary said angrily. I was getting mighty sick of guys telling me what they didn't like.

We had a wonderful summer even with having to avoid Ray as much as possible. Gary had to move back to his rooming house when Leann came home at summers end. I missed him being there all the time but I didn't want to get him in any trouble. He still had six months left on his probation and his probation officer wasn't thrilled with the idea of him dating a woman with a little girl. As time went on Gary would sneak back to spend the nights with me. We got less worried about the consequences and more wrapped up in each other. I trusted him completely. Thanksgiving came and we had a big dinner at my house. We invited my family and mom and Debbie joined us. It was a good day. When everyone went home Gary and I lit up a joint and watched TV.

The one big problem with Gary was he expected an awful lot from Leann. He was always getting mad at her for making mistakes. He would yell at her and I let him. I felt bad about it however so when he would ask "who did this" to some little thing that Leann had done I would say "I did it." He never tried to hit her. I think he knew that I wouldn't be pushed that far or maybe he hadn't had the chance.

He did however hit my dogs when they did something he didn't like. I had Cocoa and the little miniature Doberman that Gary had bought for me. Gary expected instant obedience and when he didn't get it he would "spank" Toby. I didn't usually interfere even when Toby had an accident on the floor and Gary threw him down a flight of stairs. Toby didn't touch a single step until he hit the bottom. I often would go overboard on hitting the animals when I lost my temper but never to that extent. Cocoa was not feeling well and I noticed that she wasn't eating. I made an appointment at the vets for the following week. But three days later she peed right where she was laying and when Gary saw it he began to spank her. I flew into a rage "don't you dare hit my dog" I screamed at him hovering over her protectively "can't you see that she is sick?" Never once had I ever even spanked Cocoa.

I was so distraught that I brought her to a vet in the next town that same day and after he had examined her he took blood and left the room. When he came back in he said "I'm sorry to have to tell you this but she has a very aggressive form of leukemia and she is suffering from kidney failure. I recommend that for her sake you put her down."

I could feel the tears coming and did nothing to stop them "I want to stay with her while you do it" I said. I held her while she went to sleep and until her heart stopped. I couldn't stop crying and I swore that I would never love anything this much again. I thought that I would hurt over her for a long time so I was a little surprised when a few days later it didn't bother me anymore. It was like it had happened ten years ago. I had fond memories but no pain.

I was getting high all the time now. I smoked a joint every couple of hours and didn't like going without. We had lots of friends that would come over to smoke with us. One day there was a knock on the door. When I opened the door Brad was on the other side. I felt conflicted. I was excited to see him. He was my oldest friend but I was also angry with him. I hadn't seen him since that night I walked out on Randy. Last I had heard he had moved with his mom to Connecticut.

"How did you know where I lived?" I asked standing in the doorway.

"Your sister told me when I ran into her at the store. Aren't you going to let me in?" He asked. I moved out of the way and let him by. "You must be Gary. Debbie said that you're the new guy in her life" Brad said as if no time had passed. "How's it going? I've missed hanging out with you" Brad said. It was too much I reached over and grabbed a joint. "How can you walk in here as if nothing ever happened?" I asked him. "You took Randy's side against me. I was supposed to be your friend but you never said one word the whole time Randy was running me down. I would never had let some girl talk to you like that" I cried the hurt coming out. Gary quietly got up and left the house giving us the privacy to talk about something he had no knowledge of.

"I was waiting for you to say something. If you had defended yourself at all I would have jumped in. I thought that you were embarrassed that I was there." Brad explained.

"I was afraid of him Brad he was a mean drunk. And he was drunk all the time. I didn't leave him for another man I left him to save my life" I said sadly.

"I didn't know. You were always jumping from one man to the next so when he said that you were sleeping around it was an easy thing to believe" he said.

I knew he was right and it wasn't Brad's fault that my marriage to Randy ended so badly. I managed to mess up my marriage to Anthony just as bad. "It really is great to see you" I said smiling "what are you doing here? I thought you lived in Connecticut with your mom."

"Yeah I do I'm just down here for a visit. When did you start smoking weed?" He asked. "Are you going to share that or hog it all to yourself?"

"I started smoking almost two years ago. When did you start?" I asked handing the joint over.

"When I was sixteen" he said.

"No way why didn't you tell me?" I demanded.

"You were so set against drugs that I was afraid you would kill me if you found out" he replied. Gary came back in a few minutes later and we lit another joint to smoke with him. It was great to reconnect with Brad and when he left a couple of days later it was with his promise that he would be back.

We had a great Christmas together. Leann was at the age where she actually enjoyed her presents. Gary bought me this cute little unicorn with a crystal ball. He told me that it was a diamond specifically cut to resemble a crystal. I knew he was full of it but I didn't say anything. I wished he would understand that it was the thought that counted not the price. I was happy with a two dollar gift if he put thought into it. The day before new year's he didn't come home from work. I waited for him and worried that something had happened to him. I decided to go drive by his wife's house and see if maybe he is spending some time with his kids. Now his kids were both over eighteen. But I understood him wanting to see them. Sure enough when I drove by his car was in the driveway.

I was so angry. I didn't care that he was there after all they were his kids but he could have told me. I went home and waited for him. I waited all night and all the next day and night to. He came home two days later.

I was hurt and very angry. "Pack your things and leave" I said. "Go back to your wife and stay away from me."

"Babe don't be like that. What do you want me never to see my kids again. I spent Christmas with you I had to spend New Year's with them" he tried to explain.

"I don't care if you spend a whole month with them as long as you tell me first. How do you think I felt when you didn't come home and hours later I see your car up there?" I yelled at him.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you but I didn't want to get into a fight" he said.

"I'm not your wife!" I yelled at him.

"You're doing a good job acting like her" he said walking away "I won't talk to you when you're like this."

I couldn't stand being walked away from as if I wasn't important enough for him to fight to make me understand. It made me angry. "I thought you wanted to be with me. But there you were screwing your wife. If that was the way you wanted it you should have stayed with her." I shouted going into my bedroom and slamming the door. I lay on the bed and cried. I was so angry with him for playing games I wasn't equipped to play.

He came in a short while later. "I really am sorry that I didn't call you. It won't happen again I swear. I slept on the couch by the way" he told me. I didn't believe him but I didn't say anything. "Do you want to smoke a joint?" He asked. When I sat up and nodded he pulled one out he had already rolled. He had learned quickly that if I was getting emotional instead of rational to get me high. It seemed that then I could control my emotions much better.

On Valentine's Day it happened again. He drove to his wife's house after work and was still there when I drove by hours later. I was so angry with him. When I got home Ray was waiting. I got out of the car and walked toward him. He took one look at my face "bad day?" He asked. "I have something to cheer you up." He pulled out this little stuffed bear. It was cheesy but more than Gary had thought of.

"Ray it's so sweet" I said taking the bear from him and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Thank you so much you don't have any idea what this means to me right now."

"Where's Johnny come lately?" He asked.

"He is at his wife's house" I said unhappily. I turned and with Ray on my heels went inside. I fixed Ray a cup of coffee and we were talking just like we used to when Gary finally showed up. He wasn't at all pleasant to Ray when he saw him there. I smiled at Ray and he knew it was time for him to go.

"What was he doing here?" Gary asked as soon as Ray had left.

"Where were you?" I countered. That slowed him down for a second. "I was giving my girls their Valentines gifts" he said.

"I'm sure your wife loved hers" I said scathingly. "I'm sick and tired of having to go find out where you are. Is there some reason you can't just tell me?" I said loudly.

"I'm not going to talk to you if you're going to yell" he said walking into the living room.

"I'm out of here, if being together today isn't important to you then it isn't important to me either" so I left.

I got in my car and I drove aimlessly or at least I thought it was aimlessly until I found myself outside of the pharmacy Ray had told me he was going to stop at. When I saw his car I pulled in and sat there waiting. When he came out he saw me right away. As was our way we didn't have to say anything. He climbed into my car and I drove to the closest place we could be alone. I made love to him once again and it was like coming home. I loved him. I would always love him it was so easy with him. "This was a onetime thing" I said when we were done. "I love Gary and I'm sure that we can work through this."

"If that's what you want. You know where to find me when you change your mind" he said.

I dropped him off at his car and continued home. When I came in I didn't say anything just sat in my chair and watched TV. Gary rolled a joint and handed it to me. After smoking he said "I don't go over there to hurt you. My daughter called me at work and begged me to come over. I don't want to disappoint any of you. I feel as if you're asking me to choose between my kids and you."

"Gary that's crap, I have told you repeatedly that I don't care if you go over there I just want you to let me know that you're not coming home right away. Is that really too much to ask?" I responded. "No it's not. I will try to call you if I'm going over there." I nodded and let it go.

I came down with the flu and was very sick. Gary finally insisted on taking me to the doctors. "I can't keep anything down and I feel nauseous all the time." I told the nurse when we got in to the room.

"Is there any chance you can be pregnant?" She asked.

"No he's fixed thank God" I said motioning to Gary. "I know it's the flu or something.

She smiled and said "you're probably right but let's take blood just to be sure."

I didn't care I knew I wasn't pregnant. The nurse took blood and left the room. She came back ten minutes later. "Could you please wait outside?" She asked Gary.

I nodded that it was okay and he left the room. "What is it?" I asked.

"You're pregnant" she said giving me a moment to digest that information before continuing "since you said that he was fixed I thought it would be a good idea to tell you in private. Do you want me to send him back in or have him wait in the waiting room?" She wanted to know.

"You can send him in" I said. When he walked in I calmly told him the news.

He rocked back on his heels and leaned on the wall. "The vasectomy must not have took. I'm going to be a father" he said.

I looked at him, are you serious I thought. I didn't say anything until a few hours later when he was lying on the bed. I sat down next to him. "Do you really believe that after twenty years you're suddenly able to have kids again?" I asked.

"What are you saying that you cheated on me?" He asked quietly.

"Only once but yes I cheated on you" there was no way I was going to tell him anything else.

"So are you going to tell Ray he's going to be a father?" He asked in a resigned voice.

"How, what makes you think it's his?" I asked.

"Oh come on there isn't anyone else it could be is there?" He asked sarcastically. "Are you going to tell him?" He asked again.

"No, I'm not going to tell him. What do you want to do?" I asked.

"I want to know that the little baby inside you is mine regardless of who donated the sperm" he said turning toward me.

"You want to stay and raise this baby as yours?" I asked amazed.

"Yes that's what I want the question is what do you want?" He replied.

"I want this baby to be yours as well" I decided. "Okay, we won't tell anyone that I'm not the father not anyone" he said and I agreed.

Gary was very attentive while I was pregnant. He did everything for me. If I needed a bath he ran the water, if I needed a sweater he would go get it, and when it came time to eat he made me two dinners one for me to throw up and the other for me to eat. Hoping that between the two I would keep enough down to nourish the baby. I had awful morning sickness that was really all day sickness.

When we went to see the doctor she asked "why are you losing weight? Have you been eating?"

"Yes all the time but nothing stays down" I told her.

"When was the last time you kept food down?" She wanted to know.

"When I was still smoking pot before I knew I was pregnant. I quit as soon as I found out. Then the morning sickness kicked in." I said.

"Then smoke pot if it helps you eat. It won't harm the fetus and you need to put on weight" she said.

Smoke more pot I could do that. So I went through the next seven months smoking pot and eating everything in sight. If I wanted it Gary would get it. Combining munchies from smoking pot and pregnancy hunger I was eating all the time.

Brad came back to town and his first stop was to see me. While we were talking he mentioned that he was thinking about moving back to town but he needed somewhere to stay. "You can live here if we can agree on a few rules ahead of time" I said.

"What rules?" Brad asked.

"No friends over here, no drinking over here, if you're not in by eleven the door gets locked and you find somewhere else to stay can you live with that?" I asked.

"Yeah I can live with that" he said. So Brad moved into Leann's room. Leann had been staying with her dad again so I had room.

Soon after Brad moved in Gary suggested we go on vacation before the baby came. "How would you like to go see Niagara Falls?" He asked.

"Alright, but what are we going to do about the dogs?" I asked. I had the miniature Doberman and we had just gotten a lab puppy.

"Brad can watch the dogs" Gary said.

"Yeah, I can watch the dogs" Brad parroted.

I decided to take the puppy with us. We went with Debbie and her boyfriend and we had a great time. We stayed for three days then headed for home. When I walked in the house there were three other guys sitting around my table with Brad drinking a case of beer.

"Get out of my house" I said as soon as I saw them.

"You don't have to go" Brad contradicted me.

I pushed my considerable girth right up to the table "get out now" I yelled and they left.

"Who do you think you are kicking my friends out of here" Brad said.

"I'm not kicking just your friends out you are going to." Gary tried to intercede and get me to calm down. I was having none of it. "Get your but out of this house." I told him in a cold voice he must have realized that I wasn't playing because he left.

CHAPTER 22

When he came back the next day I told him "you need to find another place to live. I can't have this kind of stuff going on. I'm going to have a baby soon and Leann is coming back in a few weeks. Find an apartment and Gary and I will help you pay for the first month's rent" I told him. He expected me to back down and when I didn't he started looking for a new place to live. He found one a couple of days later and moved out.

When I was seven and a half months along when I had an ultra sound and they discovered that the baby hadn't turned like she was supposed to. She was in a breach position. They tried to turn her manually but she wouldn't go. She absolutely didn't want to stand on her head. So they scheduled a cesarean section for November.

When October arrived I decided to stop smoking pot because I didn't want the baby coming out testing positive for drugs in case they checked. I went into labor two days later. I delivered a healthy baby girl. I was knocked out from surgery so Gary got to hold her first. He looked so happy holding her when I woke up that I almost didn't have the heart to disturb him but I wanted to see her. He brought her over to me and she was perfect.

Since I was still married Anthony had to come to the hospital to sign papers that gave up his rights to the child. He fussed over the baby remarking on how much like Leann she looked. He made a joke about keeping her in the family but signed the papers. Gary had always wanted to name one of his children so since this was his last chance I let him pick the name and when we had a girl he wanted to name her Mikaela. I agreed and that was how she got her name.

Two weeks later I ran over to Alexis' house to pick up a bag of weed. I was there for only a few minutes when I got a panicked call from Gary "you have to come home right now the cops are banging on the door" he said fearfully.

"Well don't let them in. I'll be right there" I don't know how they knew that he was alone with the children but we were in trouble. When I got home the cops and social services were in my house. I explained that I had run to the store for a minute to get some cough medicine for the baby. I had only been gone for ten minutes. I had talked them out of removing the children when I moved a pillow and exposed a pot pipe.

The cop picked it up "what's this?" he asked.

"I don't know I haven't seen that before" I lied.

The cop started poking around and he found an ashtray with a stub of a joint in it in the baby's drawer. He also found a vile with several joint stubs that Gary and I had been looking for. It had disappeared weeks earlier. The cop found it lying on the floor in plain sight. "Whose are these then?" he asked.

"I used to have a roommate. When I came home a week ago he was having a party in here and I kicked everyone out. I haven't opened that drawer since we have been home. The baby's laundry is still in the basket right there. I didn't know those things were there" I said.

Gary was in the other room would only say that the drugs weren't his. The cops told him that if someone didn't claim the drugs that they were going to have to take the kids. "They aren't mine" was all he would say.

I knew if I said that the pot was mine they were going to take my kids anyway. I requested that Leann go to her father and after calling him and getting him started on his way to meet them I went to wake Leann up. I got her ready to go and told her that my friend was going to take her to her daddy. I dressed the baby and I asked that she go to my sister whom already had a licensed foster home. I figured that at least if they were with family I wouldn't worry about them.

After they were gone I came back inside where Gary was waiting. I threw a glass across the room. "You have to go" I told him. He tried to hug me and I gave him a scathing look. "Just go I want to be alone." I said.

Gary walked to the door "do you blame me for tonight?" He asked.

"No Gary I blame myself" I refused to make him feel better tonight.

It was a long uphill battle to get my children back. The baby did go to Rachel's which at the time was good or so I thought. Leann was with Anthony and I was mostly alone. I still was with Gary but he was having trouble of his own. He had hurt himself at work and was out on disability. He was taking pain killers and muscle relaxers. He had to move out of the rooming house and I let him talk me into letting him move in with me.

Social services were requiring drug testing and counseling. So I signed up for counseling and got a wonderful therapist. I passed every drug test by nefarious means at first. I quit smoking pot and started drinking instead. I would drink a big bottle of cherry brandy every night.

Gary had hired a lawyer to help me fight for the kids. The first thing he told me was I had to get Gary out of the house because no matter what Gary said I was never going to get my kids back if he was living in the house. I didn't want to believe him. Gary wanted to fight and he was trying to get his conviction overturned. He always said that he had new evidence.

Another way I filled the time was helping out on a horse farm that had advertised for barn help. I was back to cleaning out stalls for riding privileges. Soon however Trish the woman who owned the farm was letting me help with the training of her horses. I really liked that and I was getting pretty good with them to, I think. She taught me so much more than how to train horses however. She became a very good friend. She wasn't shy about telling me what she thought about the things I was doing or the guys I was hanging out with. I never had to wonder what she thought. It was a welcome change. Like so many others she wasn't my friend because I smoked weed. She was my friend in spite of the fact that I was drinking and doing drugs. She let me know that that kind of behavior wouldn't be tolerated on her property. I think I would have been doing a lot more drugs a lot more frequently if I hadn't been worried about being able to keep going out there.

She was married to a local minister and I got to know them both pretty well. They were always there if I needed to talk but Trish was my life line more times than she knew. So many times I was feeling overwhelmed and thought I wouldn't be able to hang on another day. So many days I felt like I couldn't breathe or that I was going to lose my mind. Then she would say something or tell a story about something and everything would get easier again. I spent as much time there as I could. It was a place that I could forget all my troubles for just a little while. Some place I could decompress. I'm not sure what I would have done if I didn't have her to escape to.

Gary got into trouble with his probation officer for being alone with the kids and so his probation was violated. Gary got six months house arrest. I had finally accepted that I was never going to get my children back if he continued to live with me so I was not happy when he asked if they could hook it up at my house. I agreed to let him so that he wouldn't go to jail as long as he looked for an apartment and moved as soon as possible. He found an apartment three weeks later and moved out. I spent my time split between my house and his.

Gary and I were sleeping when the phone rang. It was Mary "I wanted you to hear this from us and no one else" she said.

The seriousness of her tone woke me right up "what is it is Leann okay?" I asked.

"Leann is fine what she isn't, is Anthony's daughter" She said coldly.

"What" I was confused "what are you talking about?" I asked.

"Anthony wanted a paternity test done because of how much Mikaela looked like Leann I agreed because I was sure that it would put his mind at ease. I got the results back last night and Anthony is not that little girl's father" she was furious.

"There has to be some mistake" I said desperately but she had already hung up the phone. I never once considered the idea that Anthony wasn't Leann's dad. What am I going to do now I wondered? We went up to see them that weekend. I took a walk with Anthony "I'm sorry I don't see how that's possible Anthony I really don't" I said.

"Leann is my daughter in every way that counts" Anthony assured me. I left there feeling relieved. But I didn't take his family into account.

Social Service called us in for interviews to access our suitability. I went with one person and Gary went with another. When we were finished we were walking down the street when we happened to run into an old friend of his and he and Gary got to talking. While Gary explained what was happening I was only half listening.

Then I heard him say "I told them that I barely touched my girls."

I whipped around "you told them what?" I asked incredulously. Please tell me I didn't go through all this on the word of a liar. I thought waiting for Gary to answer me. "I told them I barely touched my girls" Gary said weakly.

"You are unbelievable" I was furious. "How could you lie to me like that I trusted you" I yelled at him. His friend quietly slipped away. "I never want to see you again" I said as I spun around and stalked off. When I got home I started throwing things. When I finally calmed down I figured well he is out of my life now so I should be able to get my kids back.

He showed up at my door drunk a week later. When he wouldn't leave I called the police to escort him home. He got the message and didn't come back again.

I was going over to Rachel's to see the baby almost every night. I would hold her and talk to her and when it got late enough I would feed her and rock her to sleep. I often watched TV while she was eating. I would chat with Rachel for a few minutes telling her how I was doing and what I was doing with my time after work. She thought I should be more upset that the kids weren't living with me. I was upset but not as much as I could have been I guess, most of the time I didn't even think about the kids out of sight out of mind. Don't get me wrong I loved my kids but I was different than most people I knew and I wouldn't understand why for years.

Social services called me to say that my visiting privileges at the house had been terminated. I was told that I could see them once a week at their offices. I didn't understand what had changed. When I went for my scheduled visit Rachel not only had Mikaela but now she had Leann as well. I tried to ask the social worker that brought the kids to me but she couldn't tell me what was going on.

When I got home after my visit I called Rachel "what is going on?" I asked her as soon as she answered the phone. Why is Leann with you and not her father?"

"He brought her down to visit Mikaela. She was supposed to stay for the weekend but he never came back to get her. Instead I got a call from social services asking if she can stay with me" she explained.

"Why can't I see them at your house anymore?" I asked.

"Social services think it's too much on me so they're not allowing it" she said. After thanking her I hung up.

Then I called Anthony. His sister Stella answered the phone. "Why did Anthony leave Leann with Rachel? I asked when she wouldn't let me talk to Anthony.

"She is not Anthony' daughter. She doesn't belong here with us" she said.

"How can you love a little girl for six years then just throw her away?" I wanted to know.

"She was only after what she could get. It was always I want this and I want that. She doesn't really love Anthony and I told him that" she said.

"Who made her think she could have anything she asked for Stella? Could that be your family spending the last five years buying her everything she pointed at. She loves her father more than anything how can you do that to her?" I was so upset I could barely talk. "You are inhuman to break a little girl's heart this way" I said as I slammed down the phone. This is entirely my fault. I thought, if only I had never met Gary none of this would be happening.

I was sitting in the courtroom waiting to see the judge when I saw Gary crossing the street walking unsteadily. I elbowed my lawyer "get him out of here" I said. My lawyer attempted to catch him before he entered into the lobby. The guards got to him first and stopped him at the door. When I saw that Gary wasn't listening to the lawyer I went over there. "Excuse me gentlemen this man is on heavy medications and if you will excuse us we are going to go outside." After dragging him out the door I said "Are you trying to ruin my chances at getting the girls back? You need to get away from here and stay away from me." I gave him a push back toward his car and went back inside. But the damage had already been done. My social worker had already seen him. When I tried to explain that I hadn't wanted him there she didn't believe me.

After court my lawyer sat me down "it seems that Rachel is working against our efforts to get the children back" he reported.

"No way you're wrong she's my sister and she wouldn't do that" I told him.

"It would seem that she was the one who asked that you not come to the house anymore. She told them that you didn't interact with the child you just sat there and watched TV" he informed me.

"I'm telling you she wouldn't do that" I insisted. He let the subject drop and I forgot about it. The next court appearance however he brought with him a letter written by Rachel to the judge. I felt physically sick as I read it. She told them that I was still secretly seeing Gary; my babysitter was addicted to heroin, and that I habitually consorted with felons. She mentioned everything wrong I had ever done as if it happened recently. I was devastated; tears were rolling down my face as I read this damning letter. I knew that my kids weren't coming home with me anytime soon.

I was dealt another blow when I came home one night and Toby was lying on the porch and the light was off. Now I should have thought something was fishy right then because I always left the porch light on. As I walked onto the porch I said "Come on Toby let's go upstairs" as Buddy my lab came running up. When Toby didn't move I spoke louder "Come on Toby what, are you dead?" Sure enough when I opened the door and turned on the light he was indeed dead. That's when I realized that I had left him chained to the back fence because my neighbor didn't like coming in the yard because Toby always barked at him.

So I went and knocked on my neighbors door when he answered I asked "Do you have any idea what happened to my dog?"

"Yeah, his chain got hung up on the fence and it choked him to death" he said.

"How is that possible I made sure to put him in a place that he couldn't get hung up on" I replied.

"All I know is that he choked to death so I put him on your porch" with that he closed the door in my face.

I wrapped Toby in a towel and put him in a garbage bag and threw him in the dumpster. I was stewing about it that night while I was smoking a joint and I decided that the guy was a liar. He probably moved Toby's chain so that it could get hung up. I was going to get even with him.

I quietly went downstairs late that night and poured sugar into his gas tank. When he blew his engine in that truck he bought another so I did the same thing again. He eventually stopped leaving his vehicles in the parking area. So I would sabotage his laundry pouring bleach in the washer and soda in the dryer. He moved shortly after.

I jumped through every hoop social services asked me to. I got an advocate to supervise visitation, I went back to church, and I continued to go to counseling.

The counselor I got was a good one. Anne wasn't overbearing or pushy she didn't judge me and she listened to what I had to say. At first I didn't want to be there and I just went through the motions. As she listened to me and believed in me a funny thing happened, I stopped worrying about looking cool and I started to open up a little. I talked to her about parts of my life that I thought wouldn't freak her out to much. I told her things I'd never told anyone else. I actually started to try to work on my issues.

She tried to teach me that I used drugs and alcohol as a way to distance myself from my emotions, how although I always was honest with myself I wasn't honest with anyone else and that meant only having superficial relationships, that as long as I was having only superficial relationships I was never going to find what I was looking for. She tried to teach me that the abuse I had suffered was not only not my fault it was wrong and traumatic. Out of everything she tried to teach me that last bit I wasn't buying into. First, I didn't believe I had ever been abused. I knew that I had seduced some good men. Men that had never done anything like that before. Over the years I had become convinced that the devil was inside me and he was helping me get all the men I wanted. At last count I had slept with a total of sixty men in the three years between fourteen and seventeen. Some of them were good family men. Men that had never before cheated on their wives or slept with a teenage girl and never would again. Something about me made them powerless and drew them in until they were caught in my web. I knew God was keeping me safe and alive but it had to be the evil inside of me that brought all these men to their knees. I didn't blame them and I had no regrets about how my life was going. I was a strong woman and if I hadn't lived the life I had lived perhaps I wouldn't have been strong enough to live through life's trials either now or in the future.

For two years I fought to get my kids back. I wrote letters to the governor, the director of social services and anyone else that might be able to help me. Finally the judge ordered social services to give my children back to me. I had gotten a new social worker and for a minute I felt hopeful that I could put this time behind me. However, Rachel talked to him before I ever had a chance. When he dropped my kids off he told me straight out that I wouldn't have them for long. That he was going to do everything in his power to take them again.

I prayed for guidance and out of the blue I got the urge to call my father. I hadn't talked to him in years. After a twenty minute conversation I hung up. Then minutes later a crazy idea entered my head. No way, I thought there's no way I want to move to North Dakota that's outer Mongolia I thought and besides dad would never let me stay with him. But the idea persisted so I prayed "God do you want me to move to North Dakota? If that is what you want I need a sign. When I ask my dad if I can stay with him don't let him say no.

I dialed the phone and when my dad answered I said "dad what would you say if I asked if the girls and I could come and live with you."

"I wouldn't say no" he answered.

I was looking for a sign it and it couldn't get any clearer than that. So I began to make plans, very quiet plans. I wasn't telling anyone other than my mom and a few close friends that we were leaving. I wasn't even sure if I had legal custody of my daughters. But when I got my taxes back in three months I was out of here. One of the hardest goodbyes I had to say was to Trish and her horses. She had meant sanity to me for so long that I was a little afraid to leave them behind. If I thought for a second that I could have talked them into moving with me I would have tried.

I began to mail boxes to my dad of things I wanted to take with me. I stopped worrying about what social services thought and went back to smoking pot and drinking. I was still seeing Anne and I told her that I was leaving. She thought that it was a good idea it could be a fresh start for all of us. Get me away from not only social services but the other bad influences in my life.

I met a guy working at the gas station I always went to. Jorge was a lot of fun he was cute and he liked to party. One night as I was walking by he called out to me. So I crossed the street to see what he wanted. "How about you go out with me sometime?" He asked.

I was already sleeping with Dylan, yes I got over my fear of his size. He was there for me after I found out Gary was a liar. He found me walking on the street one day and gave me a ride home. I gave him a ride for his trouble. I was also sleeping with Ray. Ray had come back as soon as he heard that Gary was gone. So when Jorge asked me out I said "well you can come over tonight but I have another guy coming over on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. So when he is not there you can come over. But if I get a phone call from this other guy I will drop everything and everyone and go to him. So if you understand and are fine with that you can come over."

"You have two other guys. Why do you need three guys?" He asked.

"I only need one of them. I want the other one" I said "if you can deal with that fine, if not see ya later."

"I can deal with it" he said. Jorge came over that night and he was a lot of fun not very imaginative in the bedroom but not everyone was going to be a great lover. He had other qualities that I liked. He brought me booze. Dylan was useful because he brought me weed. Ray was everything else. Ray was the great lover and when we got together he was happy to try the things I had done with Gary. Things no one else had ever let him do before. I was once again his slave all he had to do was call me and I came running. No one knew my body like he did. I had never trusted anyone with my body as much as Ray. But as time went on I began to feel guilty for not telling him that Mikaela was actually his daughter.

Now Alexis always watched the girls while I was working and playing and she believed that I was wrong not to tell Ray about his daughter. So one day I called Ray on the phone "I have to tell you something" I said.

"What are you going to tell me? That one of your children actually belongs to me" he said jokingly.

"Matter of fact yes that exactly what I'm going to tell you. Mikaela isn't Gary's she is yours." I brought Mikaela out to Maggie's house to see her and especially Ray.

Now Mikaela had some problems since coming home. She wasn't talking like she should be. She was seeing a speech therapist and she was shy she didn't like new people. So I thought that this could potentially be very hard for her. When I brought her in the house however, and I set her down she went right over to Ray. Within minutes she was chattering at him. I couldn't believe my eyes or my ears. She ate off his plate and when it was time to leave she voluntarily gave him a hug. Ray was happy to meet her. I hadn't told him yet that I was leaving.

For the next three months I went pretty wild. I knew that I was going to have to be different around my dad. Deep down I was hoping that he would like having us around so much that he would ask us to live with him permanently. I saw Jorge, Dylan and Ray on a pretty regular basis. I spent more time with Jorge than anyone. I still wouldn't let anyone spend the night. Jorge got me to go up to the big city with him so he could score some heroin. He also bought coke and cooked it into crack in my kitchen. He smoked the crack with me and a couple of friends. I liked crack a lot. Deep down I was happy I was leaving because if I got hooked on crack there was no telling what would happen. I tried snorting heroin it just made me throw up repeatedly.

When time was growing closer to my departure date I asked Dylan if he would take my cats out to his place and kill them for me. I know that sounds so cold but I didn't want them to suffer at anyone's hand and I couldn't be sure that wouldn't happen. So I put them all in a box and Dylan took them away.

I knew that I had to tell Ray I was leaving so the next time he called when we were lying together after I broached the subject. "Ray I need to tell you something" I began

"What is Leann mine to?" He asked half serious.

"No, I need to tell you that the girls and I are moving out to live with my dad" I said knowing that he was going to be furious.

"Really, where does your dad live again?" He asked calmly.

"He lives in North Dakota and we're leaving in two weeks" I said.

"That's okay honey don't look so worried I'm not mad" he replied.

"Really I thought for sure that you would be mad like when I left last time" I said relieved.

"Just like last time you will come back to me. So I'm not worried about it" he said as he got up and got dressed. I didn't bother to argue with him.

CHAPTER 23

Finally the time came. I put the kids in the back seat and my dog in the front and we left for North Dakota. Jorge was standing in the middle of the road as we pulled away. I didn't look back. I knew that if I was going to change my life it had to be far away from easy access to drugs and booze, it had to be away from friends that I used with, and most important it had to be away from Ray. I was so glad that when I told Ray he didn't make a big deal out of it like I thought he would. He just said "you'll be back. You always come back to me." I had always come back before. But all the times I left before I was forced to or following someone else. This time I was following the Lord and my own desire to get to know my dad and my brother.

I bought a cell phone for the trip and rented a portable DVD player for the kids. I had twelve joints rolled and hidden. They had to last until I made it to my dad's. I was hoping that I wouldn't get lost along the way. I also was praying for good weather all the way there. I didn't want to drive into any snow storms. It took three days and many bathroom breaks before we got there. I was to call my dad when we got to a certain place then he was going to give directions on where to meet him. I got the directions and was very nervous about what he would think of me. I knew men usually liked me but this was different. Then the place was there and a man was getting out of a black truck my dad for the first time in my memories. I got out of the car and walked right into his arms. It was the best hug I had ever been given.

"You're going to follow me home okay?" He asked.

"I'll be right behind you" I said.

We drove for quite a way. Wow how far away from everything does he live I wondered. Turned out it was about forty five minutes away. We reached a gravel road and he was pulling away from me. Every time I began to speed up I would feel my car start to slide around it was an uncomfortable feeling. He slowed down and we made it to the house. It was a pretty little house with plenty of yard for the kids to play in.

I let the dog out first so he could go to the bathroom. "Your dog doesn't chase cats does he?" Dad asked.

"No sir he grew up with cats. He's very well behaved" I assured him. He should be he was the only one I had while the kids were gone and I poured out all my attention out on his training. The kids climbed out and they met their grandpa.

"Well let's go inside its cold out here" he suggested. As I started inside dad asked "what about your dog?"

I smiled proudly and said "Buddy will stay in the yard around the house until I call him inside" dad nodded.

When we got inside we were introduced to my brother Donny and dad's ex-wife Debra. "I thought you were the only one living here" I commented.

"I am Debra is staying with us for a week because she just had surgery on her shoulder. Donny lives at the end of the street" dad explained. Dad made supper that night and man was he a good cook. As time went by and I got to know him I was amazed at how much like my father I was. Most important he loved animals just like me. When I got there he had twelve cats and three dogs. He's also stubborn even more than I am and he is very strict with children. Of course after letting Gary get away with bossing Leann around and treat my dogs so mean. I was extra sensitive to anyone telling my kids what to do.

Dad had fixed up a room for us with two beds. Leann and Mikaela shared a bed and I slept in the other one. I hung around not doing much except getting to know my dad and my brother. I still had money left from my taxes but I needed to find a job before it ran out. So I went to my dad "where is a good place to look for a job?" I asked.

"Well you should get a paper and see what's available before you do anything" he said. So I got a paper and spent the next two weeks driving around putting in applications. I was also helping out around the house. I took over the cooking and cleaning. My dad required cake, cookies and a desert every week. He also didn't like things made form a can or a box. I turned to his cookbooks and with his help at times learned how to cook real food. My wish was that he would like us being there so much that he would ask us to stay permanently. Debra moved back in to her own house not long after I arrived.

I would go out every night to call my friends. I had to drive down to the highway because the reception was so poor. I missed everyone but not as much as I thought I would. I called Anne a lot the first few weeks. One night I got her on the phone and she had some disturbing news. "Social services called me today looking for you" she said. "They have been looking for you everywhere and they told me to tell you that if you don't contact them soon they are going to press charges on you for kidnapping."

I knew that the time had come. I was going to have to tell dad. The next morning I got up when he did. "Dad I need to tell you something" I started "I didn't tell social services that I was leaving and now they want to press charges against me if I don't contact with them." I looked down while I told him. I couldn't bear it if I saw disappointment on his face.

"Well go ahead and call them. You tell them that if they want to talk to you again that it will be through the best lawyer in the state" he said calmly.

"I don't know any lawyers" I said.

"But I do" he stated as he left for work.

I called them that very day and said exactly what my dad had told me to say. I also gave them my address and suggested that any further communication be through writing. I got a letter a month later stating that since I had left the state apparently on my own that they were closing my case and they wished me a nice life.

Two weeks after I got to my dad's I was hired at a pasta plant working nights. I worked twelve hour shifts boxing pasta. Since I was sleeping during the day my dad let me sleep in his room so that the girls wouldn't disturb me. I was very tired one night when my dad woke me up. "I don't really want to get up" I said groggily. "Can't I stay here for a while longer?" I asked.

"I would rather you got up. I need to go to bed" he said.

"So go to bed" I said "I don't bite." He hesitated for a second then got undressed and climbed into bed.

I snuggled back against him and he put his arm around me. I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I stretched and his hand landed on my bare skin. I don't really know why I did it but when he went to pull his hand away I covered it with my own.

"What are you doing?" he whispered in my ear.

"Nothing" I said "just getting comfortable." When I went to work that night I was in turmoil. What was I doing? What was I hoping to accomplish? I knew what I was hoping to accomplish I wanted to stay with him and if he was into it what was the harm. I wanted him to love me forever and I only knew one way to get there.

After that my dad didn't wake me when he went to bed just crawled in next to me and putting his arm around me went to sleep. After only three weeks I was called into the human resource office "we are letting all of the new hires go because we are going to shut down for renovations" the lady told me "we like your work and when we reopen in four months we hope you will come back to work here." Pretty words but any way you looked at it I was out of a job.

I went to a temp agency and was sent to work at another factory this time making fiber glass composite parts. I really liked this job. It was still working nights but only eight hours now. I would sleep during the day then about three I would get up and go get Mikaela from daycare. Then I would make supper and spend time with the kids, Donny, and my dad. Then I would go back to sleep for a couple more hours until my dad went to bed.

The first night I was due to go to work I had set my alarm for ten o'clock. When it was time for me to go to work I went to get out of bed dad pulled me over lifted my shirt and kissed the middle of my chest. Then without saying a word he rolled back over. After getting dressed I came back in the bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed "dad I'm leaving for work. Remember that you have to wake up the girls in the morning and get them ready for school" I told him.

"I won't forget" he said "are you sure you have everything you need for work tonight?"

"Yeah I have my id badge and my lunch. My uniforms are at work already I will change there. Well I better get started" I said.

He took my hand and sitting up he kissed me. "Something has been started right here" he said "you better go or you're going to be late."

I wasn't expecting it but I wasn't sorry he kissed me. So I kissed him again "how can you kiss me like that and expect me to be able to concentrate at work?" I complained.

"To bad I guess you will have something to look forward to when you get home" He replied with a smile.

I had a forty five minute drive to work and I couldn't stop thinking about what had happened. I didn't want to be driving to work. I wanted to get back in bed with him and see how far he wanted to go. Although I was pretty sure I knew how far it was going to go. After all he was a man wasn't he? But was it really the right thing to do? I want to stay with him but how was he going to handle a physical relationship if we had one? I knew that it wasn't going to bother me. I had never known him as a father to me he was just a man. A man I already loved more than any other. A man I wanted badly to love me in return. If we did get together at least I wouldn't have to worry about getting hurt. There is no way that he would stop loving me. After all he was my dad. He would love me no matter what. There is no way that he would ever break my heart. I just knew he wouldn't do that.

When I got to work I was distracted just like I knew I would be. Finally my supervisor asked "what's the matter? You seem to be in a different world."

"I'm not feeling well that's all" I lied.

"Well why don't you call it a night go home and get some rest" she suggested.

"If your sure. I can stay for the rest of the night if you need me" I replied.

"No go on get out of here I will see you tomorrow" she said. I didn't argue anymore there was nothing I wanted more than to go home and climb into bed although if I could help it I wouldn't be getting to sleep right away.

As I drove home I planned what I would do and what I would say. I was nervous about what was going to happen but excited as well. When I got home I quietly crept into the house to keep the dogs from barking and I got undressed and slid into bed. As I scooted over to him I thought about how I would wake him up but he stirred as soon as I touched his arm. "What are you doing home so early?" he asked drowsily.

"I was sent home there wasn't enough work tonight" I lied knowing somehow that he wouldn't like me leaving work just to be with him.

He mumbled and went back to sleep. Well he probably needed his sleep I told myself. I laid next to him just as I was about to go to sleep he woke up again. "What are you doing here?" he asked again and again I lied. He rolled over and leaning on one elbow looked down at me. "Do you really want to start something here?" He asked quietly.

I just smiled and pulled his head down so that I could kiss him. We made love that night. He was very old fashioned but that was okay. As we spent time together I taught him how to please me in the way I was accustomed. I learned the best ways to please him and we began living more like husband and wife than father and daughter.

We got along really well for the most part. For the first time in a long time I was comfortable enough to let a man be the dominant partner. Letting him make all the decisions except when it came to the girls. He was a little stricter than I thought necessary but I didn't argue with him. I found ways around him. For instance he always wanted the girls to finish everything on their plate and I thought that if they were full or didn't like something they didn't have to eat it. Instead of arguing with him about it I waited until he left the table then quietly gave the rest of the food to the dogs. It didn't always work out sometimes I couldn't go around him and those times we would fight. Eventually however one of us would apologize and things would be good again. With my dad I didn't hold anything back I loved him with everything I had my whole heart and soul.

I was also getting to know Donny and he was great. He was happy to do anything I asked and I really liked having a younger brother. Even more important was the girls had male role models. I always felt bad that they didn't have a good male role model and now they had two. This was the kind of family I had always wished for. The girls took to Donny right away. Leann followed him around whenever he was at the house. He always ate supper with us and spent weekends with us. He even had his own daily chores in the house that he did. The only thing he did at his place was sleep. Mikaela was closer to my dad but Donny was the one that took her to daycare in the morning and he brought Leann to town with him whenever he had an errand to run. He also babysat whenever dad and I went out either shopping or on a date.

For Valentines I bought myself the cutest little puppy down at the pet store. I was a little nervous about what dad was going to say when I got him home but it wasn't so bad. He grumbled a little but that was it. I named the puppy Cujo. He was a little Jack Russell terrier and was the funniest puppy I had ever had. He lightened things up around the house. Especially when he and Buddy would play tug of war their size alone made it comical but Cujo had this habit that no matter what he was doing he did it with a ferocious growling. That was how he got his name.

One of the things I most wanted all my life was a horse of my own. When I told Dad that he said "I don't see why you can't have a horse as long as you can take care of it. We have the room and a couple of stalls out back in the pasture. I used to have horses." I was so excited I immediately began looking for a horse to buy. I finally found one that I could afford. We went to see her and after riding her I decided that she was the one I wanted. So we made arrangements for her owners to bring her down to the house since I didn't have a horse trailer.

I was so excited about having my own horse and bonus I found out she was most likely pregnant. I cleaned out one of the stalls and bought straw and hay to have when she got there. After she arrived I was out with her every day after work. I wanted to ride but I didn't have a saddle. My dad surprised me one day with an English saddle. He had called my grandfather and asked him for one of the saddles he had lying around and he shipped it to us.

I rode Dancer every chance I got. She was not as obedient as she was that first time. She hadn't been ridden much and she was apprehensive about places she hadn't gone before. She would fight to go back to her pasture. I was close to tears one night. I didn't want to fight her I wanted to ride. "What's wrong honey?" Dad asked. When I explained about Dancer he asked "why not just ride her in the pasture where she is comfortable?" It was so simple and so what if I couldn't ride where ever I wanted to. At least I could ride. I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before. It was so simple and worked so well. She rode just fine in her pasture. She would turn at the slightest twitch of the rein. I wished that I had spent more time learn training techniques from Trish but all I really worked on was ground training.

I don't think I had ever been happier. I had a man that loved me and we worked to keep our relationship on solid ground. When we would have a fight if he was wrong he wasn't afraid to apologize and try to make it up to me. My kids were adjusting well for the most part. Mikaela had begun to wet the bed again but she was only three. I assumed that she would grow out of it. My world was perfect. I had all the dogs and cats a person could stand, my own horse. So what I had occasional twinges of conscience about the relationship between my dad and myself. He was not as comfortable with our relationship as I was. But I wasn't willing to give him up.

CHAPTER 24

I was waiting to get my check outside of the temp agency one Friday morning. I got to chatting with another woman that I worked with. I made the comment "man I would love to smoke a joint right about now." I had been missing getting high ever since the weed I had was used up. When I mailed all my boxes I had included a few spice canisters that had weed in them. I had smoked the last of it a month prior to starting at my job.

"I have a joint. If you want we can go for a ride after we get our checks" she said.

I smiled "that would be awesome" I replied. Cecelia led me to her house where I met her mom. We went into her room and smoked a joint talking about the job, people at work, and our families. I told her about having two girls and that I lived with my dad. She told me about her son and living with her mom. When we had finished I got in my car and drove home happy. I had found a friend.

Cecelia and I started taking our breaks together. We would go out to her car and get stoned. At lunch time we would go for a ride and talk while getting stoned. I really liked her. One day a friend of hers this guy that we worked with came with us. He didn't smoke pot he smoked meth. I hadn't ever heard of meth before but when he offered me some I accepted. Before long I was smoking it with her every day.

Dad knew something was going on. I wasn't sleeping; I was losing the weight I had put on. Which in itself wasn't a bad thing but I was losing it much too quickly. He liked to go to bed as soon as it got dark and before I didn't mind but now I would just lie awake and if I got up and watched TV he always woke up and wanted to know why I was up. I could see him getting suspicious so I began to take muscle relaxers to get to sleep. However I always woke up feeling drugged. I was also spending a lot of money on drugs. I didn't like to smoke alone so I smoked with Cecelia and her boyfriend often giving them some when I had to leave. I was spending two to three hundred dollars a week on meth.

Six months later there was a shortage and I couldn't find any to buy. I went home to bed and didn't wake up at three to go pick up Mikaela from daycare. When they couldn't get a hold of me they called my dad and he picked up Mikaela and brought her home when he got out of work. When he came into the bedroom and saw me sleeping he attempted to wake me up. When all I would do was mumble that I was tired he left me to sleep. When he came to bed that night he tried again to wake me up finally getting me out of bed and off to work. I couldn't stay awake I struggled to keep my eyes open and when I knew I couldn't I pulled over called in sick and went to sleep on the side of the road. A blaring horn woke me later that night. I struggled to drive home when I got there I collapsed into bed without even getting undressed and slept right through dad trying to wake me up in the morning. I slept all afternoon and Donny had to pick up Mikaela that night.

After supper dad had Donny take the girls for ice cream and he got me out of bed and into the kitchen. He made me eat some food and when it looked like I was alert enough he said "what are you on? Don't bother denying it you are obviously on something"

"I'm not on anything" I said defensively "I just don't feel good I think I have the flu."

"I'm not stupid. I know that you're on something and if you don't want to tell me fine. But I will tell you right now that if you don't stop you can't live here anymore. I love you but I am too old to put up with this kind of crap" he said.

"Okay, I understand but I'm not on anything. I swear" I said. His saying I wouldn't be able to live there shook me up. I decided that I would not use meth so much that I had to sleep like that ever again. I cut down my usage a lot. I no longer smoked it every day. I began smoking weed again instead. I also started drinking again. But since dad was a recovering alcoholic I couldn't bring any booze into the house. A couple of times after work I went to the bar with my co-workers although after driving home so drunk that I didn't remember the drive I stopped doing that. Instead I would buy a bottle and drive almost all the way home. I would park on the gravel road where there were no houses and I would sit there smoking and drinking. Then I would drive the quarter mile home. Mostly though I hung out with Cecelia and when she switched to days I did as well.

Debra had gotten suspicious of the relationship between dad and myself and spread the story that we were sleeping together. It didn't bother me but it did bother him. His behavior toward me changed he wasn't demonstrative anymore. There were no more spontaneous gestures of affection and I was not happy about that. When I found out that Leann and Donny both knew about our relationship. I realized that I had not been as discrete as I should have been. But I didn't care I wanted what I wanted and it was no one's business but mine. I wouldn't allow anything to get between dad and me. Not even the well being of my children. I found my dad now and I loved him. That was all that mattered to me.

One day playing in the gravel with Mikaela she said "Donny pulls down my pants when he tickles me and I don't like it."

I was floored I couldn't believe it. No, the problem was I could believe it. I had moved all this way to get away from all that and here it was again in my house. "You need to stay away from Donny and do not be alone with him ever again" I said. I went to find Leann she had been practically living with Donny for a month now. "Leann" I said when I found her out back with the horses "has Uncle Donny touched you in your privates or pulled down your pants?" I asked angrily.

"No, he hasn't done anything to me" she said. If I had thought about it I would have approached her differently.

I called dad "we have a serious problem" I said when he answered the phone. I told him what Mikaela had said.

"I don't think Donny would ever intentionally do anything to hurt those girls" he replied.

"Babe he has molested Mikaela and I'm not sure that I believe Leann. I don't want him to be alone with them anymore" I said getting angrier.

"Let's talk about this when I get home" he said.

"Fine" I hung up. When Donny came over that night I was waiting "Donny I have to talk to you" I said "Mikaela told me today that you have been touching her and taking her pants off. Your lucky it was me she told. I know that men have those kinds of urges. I don't want you to be alone with either of the girls anymore" I said bluntly. Donny didn't say anything he just went to his house and didn't come back that night.

When dad got home that night we argued about whether it had actually happened or not. "Little girls don't make things like this up" I explained trying not to get angry at him.

"Donny has never done anything like this before in his life. Why would he start now?" Dad asked.

"I don't know but I told him that he is not to be alone with the girls anymore. And I expect you to not only back me up but to talk to him about this. He needs to get help." I told him. Dad wouldn't talk to me about it anymore.

The next day the girls were playing on the porch and a few minutes later when I looked out they were gone. I went outside and something told me where to look. I walked over to Donny's house and went inside. Mikaela was sitting on the couch eating Oreo cookies. "Where is Leann?" I asked. She pointed upstairs. "Go home right now and don't leave the yard again" I said as I climbed the stairs quietly. When I got to Donny's bedroom door it was open a crack and I saw him on his bed tickling Leann. I shoved open the door "what the hell do you think your doing?" I said quietly. "Leann go home and stay there."

I glared at Donny until I heard the front door close "I thought I told you not to be alone with my children. Do you not get this? You could go to jail if anyone else found out what you did. I am trying not to let that happen" I yelled at him.

"I'm sorry they wanted to come over" he said.

"And you just had to bring Leann up to your room. Go near them again and you will end up in jail. If you weren't my brother you would already be in the ground." I said as I stormed out of his house.

A month later social services showed up at the house. Someone had called and reported that Donny had molested my girls and that I was carrying on an affair with my father. They interviewed the girls and Donny was arrested. After Donny was arrested I found out that it hadn't happened just that one time like I thought. He had been doing it for the last two years.

Social services was demanding that I move out of my father's house and I was fighting them with everything I had. Dad came to me before bed one night "I think that you should start sleeping on the couch" he said.

"I don't want to sleep on the couch. I want to sleep with you" I replied.

"It's for the best right now. We have to be careful." When I couldn't change his mind I started sleeping on the couch.

I was still doing drugs and the more uncertain I was the more drugs I did. Since I had changed shifts I was skipping work so that I could go over to Cecelia's and smoke pot, or meth whichever she had. One day I got to work and I was fired for missing so much work. I didn't care I just did more drugs. When dad found out that I got fired he was not happy.

While looking for work I came across an ad for school bus drivers. I thought that having the days mostly to myself and getting summers off would be great. So I studied hard and got my school bus license. The drug test was a joke Cecelia had showed me how to beat the tests when I first started smoking with her. At first I drove in town. During school hours I would stay in my car reading. Until Cecelia got laid off. Then I spent all day at her house doing drugs. After six months my daughter's school called and asked if I could drive for them for the rest of the year and I agreed.

I was seeing my social service worker monthly and he were still pressing me to move out and I was still refusing. He had decided that I needed to meet with him to be schooled on what to look for and how to spot sex offenders. If only he knew I probably had more experience with sex offenders than he did. He also blamed me for what happened to the girls. We would get into screaming matches until I would be reduced to tears and run out. Something had to change. They took me to court and the judge ordered us into counseling but didn't make me move.

So we all started counseling. The girls both liked their counselors Lacy and Samantha. My counselor was Joan and she was very nice. But I didn't want or even need counseling. I was putting forth the barest minimum effort which means that I showed up. I was hostile at first but she slowly drew me out about the girl's abuse and how I felt about it. When she asked about dad I denied any involvement that was inappropriate. We were going to counseling every other week. It was through counseling that I found out why the girls hadn't told me about Donny touching them. I always told my girls that if anyone ever touched them that I would kill them. And they absolutely believed me so when Donny started touching them they didn't tell me because not only did they love Donny and didn't want to see him killed. They didn't want me to get into trouble for hurting him.

Dad came to me one day "you need to move out" he said without any emotion.

"What are you talking about? I don't want to leave. I love you. Why do you want me to leave?" I cried with tears running down my face. This shouldn't be happening.

"With the girls here Donny can't even come over and he is facing a trial soon" dad said.

"A trial I won't even let the girls be a part of. I spoke to the district attorney for him. I begged for no jail time because that was what you wanted. How can you ask me to leave?" I said anxiously.

"I'm sorry but you have to go" he said turning and walking away.

CHAPTER 25

After becoming certain that he wasn't going to change his mind I called one of his friends that had offered to sell me their farm a year ago. They agreed to sell it to me for monthly payments and the papers were drawn up. I moved out after school was out. The house was nothing special a little run down in fact but it had a lot of land and a barn for my horses. What I liked best was that it was an hour from town and in the middle of nowhere. My closest neighbor was a half a mile away and out of sight. But I was on my own again. I let the girls go spend the summer with the lady that I bought the house from. I had a lot of work to do to get it ready to move in. What I didn't realize was that I would be moving in all by myself. Between my dad working and my staying away from Donny there was no one to help me. Oh well it wasn't the first time I had to move all my stuff alone. I moved into the house at the end of June.

I got a job at a local pig farm working with baby pigs. It was a good job one that I enjoyed for the most part. Dad and I were together whenever we could but I could feel him drawing away from me. I was terrified that I was going to lose him. I clung tightly calling him every day as usual begging him to come over. The more I clung the more he pulled away. Dad was coming out to see me once or twice a week for most of the summer. Then one day after we had made love he got dressed and sitting on the side of the bed he says "I can't do this anymore."

"Can't do what?" I asked started to feel queasy.

"We can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. It's wrong" he told me.

"What are you talking about? It's not any more wrong than it was a twenty minutes ago. I love you please don't do this" I cried.

He got up and looked at me "it's over I don't want to be with you like this anymore." He turned and left. I was devastated he couldn't mean it.

I chased after him like one of those women I despised "wait please wait if it is something that I'm doing wrong please just tell me and I will fix it." I was crying and pleading with him he climbed in his pickup and left. I was glad that the kids weren't there because I couldn't stop crying. I had never felt this kind of pain before. It felt like he tore out my very soul. I didn't want to believe that he actually meant it. How could he actually mean it? I walked over to my chair and sank into it. I cried until I was almost sick. I tried to call him but he wouldn't answer the phone. I left messages some begging him to reconsider, some angry accusing him of choosing Donny over me again. I loved him and I hated him. I was so confused. I couldn't stop crying I couldn't sleep I couldn't eat. I couldn't stand the pain. I called in sick for the next two days but I knew I couldn't do that forever so I went and bought some weed. With weed I could get a handle on my emotions and go back to work. I hid the pain and went to work. When I got home I would get stoned. When I ran out of weed I started drinking. I would get drunk every night. When I could afford to I bought weed. I would rather smoke instead of drink. When I could find meth I would smoke that over everything. I even let a dealer I knew come out and cook meth in the back of my barn so I could get some for free.

When the girls came back I tried to take an interest in what they were doing but more and more I had Leann take over the cooking and the cleaning. She took care of her little sister while I sat in my chair and drank myself into a stupor. I didn't care about anything not even them. I withdrew from everyone unless I needed drugs. Cecelia was the only one I had contact with because she could get me what I needed.

I managed to stay in this disconnected place for almost two years, just floating along in a sea of alcohol and drugs not really seeing the things right in front of my face. I wouldn't let the girls go to any friend's houses nor have friends over. Then one day sitting there drinking watching TV I smelled something burning. It didn't register at first but as the smell got stronger I sat up and turned to look in the kitchen to see if something was cooking. When there was nothing there I got up at the same time Leann came out of her room "do you smell something burning?" We asked together. We followed the smell and ended up in Mikaela's room. There on top of her dresser was a crumpled mass of papers smoldering and smoking. I grabbed them up and rushing into the kitchen I threw them in the sink.

"What were you thinking starting a fire in your room?" I yelled at Mikaela. She started to cry because I was scary when I got angry at them.

"I didn't want them anymore and I was upset at a bad grade that I got" she cried.

And just like that I didn't care anymore "Well don't start fires in the house that is what we have the burn barrel for" I said as I went back to my bottle and my TV.

That night laying in bed I was thinking about what had happened and realized that I had to get some advice on how to handle Mikaela she was becoming a handful. She had always been a handful but she was getting worse. Maybe I should put her back in counseling I thought. I will call Lacy tomorrow I decided before falling asleep.

I did call Lacy the next day and after listening to me tell her all about how out of control Mikaela was she suggested that Mikaela might benefit from me going back to counseling. I hadn't hid the fact that I was feeling unhappy all the time. I sure didn't tell her about the drug and alcohol use. I thought that maybe going back to counseling might be a good idea.

I called and made an appointment with Joan. I was tired of trying to drown my sorrows besides it wasn't working. They weren't going away. I decided that this time when I saw Joan I was actually going to work on getting better. I started seeing Joan the very next week and at first I was hesitant to tell her all the things that were bothering me but I knew that if I wanted help then I was going to have to trust her. I wanted to trust her in the worst way. After a few months of just talking about the events in my life I finally told her what was really bothering me. I told her about my relationship with dad. She didn't judge me she just listened. She knew that I was drinking and smoking pot. Although I told her I was trying to quit. She suggested that maybe I might want to take medication for depression. I had such a negative reaction to that suggestion she let it drop. I insisted I wasn't depressed and I didn't need medication I just needed help. I couldn't tell you what I needed help with because according to me I wasn't depressed, I didn't have a drug or alcohol problem, I had never really been abused after it can't be abuse if it is your fault, right? My only problem was that I didn't know how to deal with my kids.

I was so angry so often. I was starting to have thoughts about killing myself or even better someone else. I would feel these rages coming on and one day while I was in a rage the cat sprayed the wall right in front of me. I totally lost it. I grabbed the cat by the scruff of the neck and after grabbing the 22 pistol I had acquired I went outside and shot the cat in the head. As I watched the blood drain from the hole in the side of its head the rage drained with it. I was filled with this kind of euphoria it was an indescribable feeling. It had taken me a year to be able to kill one of the nonviable piglets at the pig farm and even then I didn't feel like this. So what was the difference I wondered was it because I was angry or was it because killing the piglets were humane and the cat was not.

I started watching more crime shows being more interested in the violence now. Watching people getting killed and paying attention to what got them caught. I had in the past played with the idea of the perfect murder but I wasn't playing anymore. It felt deadly serious. Whenever I felt the rage come I would try to control it until I would get super angry at something that one of my animals had done and I would take them out and shoot them in the head. The day I killed Cujo I realized that love alone wasn't enough to keep them safe I killed three dogs that day and just tossed their bodies in the dumpster. Never even shed a tear over their dead bodies. I hid what I was doing from everyone and tried to be normal.

I met Mark outside a local gas station. Actually he worked at the gas station. He was very nice and sweet. I flirted with him every time I saw him and I don't remember exactly how but we became friends. I knew he was married but I didn't care. He had amazing blue eyes and he was always so nice and I was so lonely. Whenever I flirted with him he would smile and he had the cutest dimples I had seen in a long time. I thought that if I could just find a man to be with everything would be fine. I would get over dad and things would go back to normal. I can't tell you how many times I made a play for him and was gently turned down. He had never had an affair before but with my instincts I knew that he was tempted.

One night after having a lot to drink I called him "Hey I was wondering if you could stop by for a few minutes after work? I really need to talk to you?" I asked. "It will only take a minute" I assured him when he hesitated.

"Yeah okay I'll be there soon but I can only stay for a minute" he said.

I started scheming on how I was going to get him in my bed. I put on this button down the front nightshirt that came down to mid thigh. I wore nothing underneath it. I was glad I had been drinking because at this point in my life I would never have had the courage to do this sober. When he got to my house I invited him in. He hesitated but came in. When I got the door closed I walked toward him slowly. My hands went to the buttons on the front of my shirt. I slipped the first button free never taking my eyes off him.

"Hang on this isn't a good idea" he said as I came closer. I slid another button free then just shrugged my shoulders and the shirt slid to the floor. I stood on tiptoe and put my arms around his neck.

"This is a very good idea" I whispered as I tugged his head down. He resisted for a second then he was kissing me and running his hands down my back. I took his hand and led him to my bedroom. He was magnificent just like I knew he would be. I didn't have to show him what I liked. He was naturally just right for me. I couldn't believe my luck. Whenever he could get away after that he came over. Mostly late at night when the kids were in bed. I wasn't getting a whole lot of sleep for work but I didn't care. On the nights he couldn't come over we talked on the phone. We talked for hours about everything. I should have known it was to good to be true. After about three weeks he was so stressed out about having an affair he made himself sick. He ended it shortly after that. I supported his decision and didn't try to hang on. I genuinely cared about him. I didn't want him to feel so guilty he was sick. I knew that I didn't deserve someone that good anyway. I had finally found a man that was worth loving and he would never be mine.

I went back to drinking all the time which I had stopped doing while I was seeing him. We did however remain friends. I knew that he was someone I wanted to stay friends with. Not sleeping with him didn't stop me from obsessing over him. I was in love with him and I wanted to be with him. I was feeling very unlovable and unwanted.

I stole a scalpel from work and after getting drunk I began to play with it I carved Mark's name into my arm. I had often cut before but never enough to leave scars. This I wanted to stay I wanted to be able to look at them and remember. I also carved a heart around his name and to make sure they stayed I rubbed tattoo ink into the cuts. After awhile cutting just wasn't doing it for me.

I used to play with my gun pretending to shoot myself in the leg or the shoulder. More and more I wanted to know what it would feel like to get shot. I was working up the courage to pull the trigger when I decided I wanted to see what the inside of the gun looked like. I went and got a small screw driver and took off the plate over the trigger assembly. As soon as I took it off the inside just exploded out at me. Convenient wasn't it. I truly believed that God stepped in again.

One night while I was drunk I was smoking a cigarette. After taking a drag I was lowering the cigarette when I stopped and looked at it. I held it to my arm and the pain was oh so sweet. I then took it and burned a good sized peace sign into my arm one small circle at a time. I would put the head of the cigarette on my skin and just watch it melt the skin away. I loved the pain of it. I soon had many burns. Everyone thought I was crazy no one understood. Eventually I didn't have to be drunk to do it and many times I wasn't. There was something so soothing about it. I have since stopped that particular activity mostly because I didn't want my daughters to follow my example. It was brought home to me how much I didn't want them to do it when I caught Leann cutting. Since then Mikaela has also done it at least once and I decided that their health was more important than my comfort. Plus I quit smoking so I don't have cigarettes to play with anymore.

I was still trying to connect with dad to have some kind of relationship but he was freezing me out. He refused to come over to the house for dinner or to help with anything that I didn't think I could fix on my own. I learned how to be a plumber, how to put in an electrical outlet, how to put in a water heater the list goes on and on. We were no longer invited to holiday events and the first few times that really bothered the children. So I told them that it was me that I didn't want to go. I did not want them blaming themselves for everyone pushing us away. I spent too much time already obsessing over why dad had changed. I mean how could he just stop loving me like that?

I was talking with Clyde at work one Friday "what are you doing after work?" He asked.

"I have to go right home. I have some fencing that I have to fix behind the house. I don't want the horses getting out you know" I replied.

"I could come over and help you if you want" he volunteered.

"That's not necessary but thanks anyway" I said dismissively.

He tried again "No I really want to help you maybe after we can go get a drink down at the bar."

"If you really want to help then come on over tomorrow I'm sure I'll still be working on it then. But I don't know about going to get a drink after we will have to see" I said. Clyde had been asking me out since his marriage broke up. But he was a hardcore drinker and while it was fine if I drank I still didn't like men who did. I went home after work and after failing to find my fencing pliers went to work on the fence with a pair of regular pliers and wire cutters. Not the best tools for the job.

I was still working on it the next day when Clyde got there. I was struggling to get the barbwire put up correctly. "How come you're not using fencing pliers?" He asked.

"Because my kids played with them and I can't find them" I grumbled.

"I have a pair that you can use if you want" he offered.

"I'm quitting for right now I have to feed my kids lunch. Maybe I can come down once their fed and get them" I said.

"Sure just give my cell a call in case I haven't made it home yet" he said.

I agreed and he left. An hour later I got in my car and headed for town calling him on the phone as I drove. "Hey are you at home yet?" I asked. "I'm going to need directions."

"No, not yet I stopped in at the bar on the main street next to the bank. Why don't you come in? I'll buy you a drink then you can follow me to my place" he said. With some reluctance I agreed and I met him in the bar. I had one drink then insisted that I had to get going. He jumped in his truck and with me following led the way to his house.

When we got to his house he led the way inside. I wondered why he would have them in the house and not in the garage but everyone is different. So I followed him inside. When I went inside I took a look around it was a nice clean little trailer. He closed the door behind me and asked "do you want a beer?"

"No thanks I can't be gone to long I don't like to leave the kids alone for very long" I said. Clyde came over and put his arms around me tried to kiss me. "No I told you that I can't stay" I said trying to back away.

"Come on it won't take long at all" he said trying to kiss me again.

"I said no Clyde. I don't want to" I said pushing at his chest.

"Yes you do. I know you do. You have been asking for it since I met you" he said tugging at my jeans. I struggled against him and he just held me tighter as he pulled my zipper apart. He backed me toward the couch and with it at the back of my knees he gave me a push. I fell back landing on the couch. He quickly came down over me and holding me into place stripped me of my jeans. Once I realized I wasn't going to get out of there until he had gotten what he wanted I gave in. Just give him what he wants. You will get out of here much quicker that way. I thought. If I thought that it was going to be over quickly I was wrong. He took full advantage of my cooperation. He used me in every way there was except one. When it was finally over I got dressed and as I was leaving Clyde handed me the fencing pliers. I hefted them in my hand looking at them then at him weighing my options. I shook my head turned and getting into my car I drove away.

Now I always thought that I would like it when I and if I ever got raped. I'm here to tell you that I did not. Not one little bit. There is a big difference between playing and real life. I started to cry five minutes away from his house. I called my dad looking for sympathy and although he listened to me and asked if I was okay I didn't get much sympathy. When I got home I attacked the fence with a vengeance. I took my anger with myself out on that fence and actually got it done faster than I ever thought possible. But once it was done I had to find something else to occupy my thoughts. I didn't want to think about how stupid I had been again. I knew that men couldn't be trusted yet I just walked in there without a second thought. Now I had to see him at work every day. I was not looking forward to Monday at all.

Clyde walked up to me at work "get away from me" I said as I went in the other direction.

"Hang on what's the matter with you?" He asked as he chased after me down the hallway.

I was the only one down this hallway so I decided that facing him was better than running away. "What do you mean what's the matter with me? You know exactly what the matter with me is" I said.

"I didn't do anything you didn't want" he said.

"You go ahead and keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better. I don't care I just want you to stay away from me" I replied as once again I walked away.

"Hang on, I didn't force you" he said grabbing my arm.

"Let go" I snarled wrenching free "if you touch me again I'm going to complain that your sexually harassing me. Let's see if you keep your job then." He dropped my arm like a hot potato. I wish I could say that that was the end of it but it wasn't. I eventually used Clyde's guilty feelings to get him to do things for me. Like mowing my lawn when my riding mower broke down, he bought me another one at an auction. I had him use a garden tiller to break ground for me so I could put in a garden, for years I hung what happened over his head. I never let him forget it anytime I needed something done that I couldn't do myself I called him.

Even with counseling things continued to get worse. I was starting to think that suicide sounded better and better but I knew that killing yourself was like murder and murder was against the Ten Commandments and I really wanted to go to heaven. I was getting more thoughts about killing someone else. (Want to guess who.)Thank God I never was in a position that I could act on my fantasies. I knew that I could ask for forgiveness if I killed "someone" else but I was pretty sure that I would have to actually be sorry and I just knew that if I did actually kill that certain someone I wouldn't feel sorry about it.

I was starting to realize from working with Joan that I didn't have normal feeling about anything. I don't think I ever really loved anyone. I wasn't even sure that I was capable of love. I had loved plenty of animals but if I could kill them without a qualm was that really love.

I also knew that I had trust issues and would never trust anyone again. I truly believed that all men were pedophiles some just had better self control and sometimes I still believe that. I knew that I had never developed the natural feelings that I should have for my own children. I felt the responsibility, and I loved them as much as I was able. I wanted to do better for them but didn't think that I could. I never found it natural to show affection to them. I had always had to remind myself to give hug them and to give them encouragement. The more I learned what things I had done wrong the more hopeless it seemed. I began to consider where the kids would go if I did kill myself and I didn't like my options. So I continued to drink and do drugs and that was all I did that and watch TV. I didn't read books anymore, I wouldn't ride my horse, I wouldn't cook or clean, I didn't want to do anything. I started missing work because I just didn't want to get out of bed.

Joan was finally able to convince me that I needed more than just counseling. I needed medication to help with the depression. So I went to see a shrink that could prescribe drugs. After a little trial and error we found one that actually worked. It was slow at first but slowly the pills helped I wasn't thinking about suicide all the time. I still wasn't doing anything other than sleeping and sitting in my recliner watching TV. As I took the pills and sat around I slowly put on weight before I knew it I had gained over a hundred and fifty pounds. As if I needed another reason to hate myself.

I eventually lost my job because of missing so much work. I was receiving social security as child support for Leann but it just covered the mortgage. Looking back I know now that God was helping me because I always managed to pay the bills and I was out of work for two years. Looking back I can't find any other explanation than God for how all those bills got paid. I always had a cell phone, TV, electricity, water, garbage removal, heat, and gas for my car. After my mortgage payment I had exactly eighty dollars left over. If it wasn't God then you tell me how all those bills got paid for two years.

Mikaela's school called social services on me for various reasons it seemed that every time I got them off my back the school counselor would call them again. It was a struggle to keep them from knowing anything about my drug and alcohol use but I had trained the kids to lie for me. I lied and would sneak around until they would go away. When I discovered that I could squeeze money and gift cards out of them I used every manipulation technique I had ever learned to get as much as I could.

CHAPTER 26

One day I was checking my email at the library in town and I saw that I had an email from Gary. I hadn't talked to him in years. I was lonely and I was curious to know what he wanted after all this time. So I wrote him back. We wrote back and forth a few times he mostly inquired how his daughter was doing. I never told him that I had told Ray about her. He wrote about how much he missed us and told me he was living in New York. He told me about his life and we started talking on the phone. He mentioned that he had looked for me but no one would tell him where I had moved. My mom would just tell him that we were safe and happy which was true at the time. I told him about being out of work and depressed. He offered to put Mikaela on his social security since she was legally his daughter. I agreed and while the paperwork took time to go through he would buy Mikaela clothes and ship them to us.

One day he asked "Do you know where to sell pain pills if I send some to you?"

"What kind of pills?" I asked. I just happened to be at Cecelia's house when he asked so she was listening intently.

"I take Morphine twice a day I can send you some to sell so you can have some money" he offered.

"If you want to I guess you can" I said.

"I know where I can get rid of them" Cecelia said. So the next box came and he had sent five morphine pills. I sold them and made enough money to catch up on some bills. After that every time he sent a box he sent some more pills.

We had started talking in January when May rolled around he started talking about coming for a visit. He had been talking about how much he wanted to be a father to Mikaela. How he wanted to do right by her. I finally agreed to let him come and he came out the first week of May. I was waiting at the airport for him when his flight landed I thought for sure that I would still be attracted to him. I had assumed that we would have sex together after all why not. I had pretty much told him exactly that. But when I saw him walking toward me I didn't feel attraction. I didn't feel anything. I was in a bind I had arranged for Leann and Mikaela to sleep over at a friend's house so that we could be alone. I knew the second I saw him that I didn't want him. When he got to me he reached for me but I pretended that I didn't see and turned away.

When we got to my car I started to drive for home trying to figure out how to tell him I had changed my mind. Then I decided just to be honest. So I glanced at him and said "You know I thought I would feel the same as I used to when I saw you again but I don't. I need to get to know you again before I'm going to think about sleeping with you. I hope that you are not to disappointed but that is just how it is."

"No, I understand that's absolutely fine. I'm eager to get to know all of you again" he said. "You will meet Mikaela tomorrow but understand this you are not going to be telling either of my girls what to do. You used to be very hard on Leann and that is not going to happen again. They have been through a lot and I won't put up with any drama at all" I told him right up front.

"That's fine I don't want to make anyone's life more difficult. I just want to be a part of it" he replied.

The month of May flew by and Gary and Mikaela got along really well. It was nice having a man around again. At the end of the month he came in to the living room and sat down next to me. "So what do you think? Do you want me to move in? I would really like to" he said.

"Sure you can move in with us if you want. I like the idea of having another source of income coming in. But you need to understand that if you move in it will be as Mikaela's father. I'm not in love with you and I'm not going to be. As long as you understand that then fine if you want to live with us I have no objections" I responded.

"I don't believe that you don't love me. I think that deep down you still love me and I'm willing to wait for you to figure it out" Gary said. It irritated me. I knew how I felt and I knew that I didn't have any feelings for him. I also knew that it wasn't going to change. If I had just sat down and thought about it I might have come to a different decision. But I was still making decisions with very little thought beforehand. All I ever wanted was a father for my girls. I knew how much I needed one as I was growing up and I didn't want my daughters to go through the same difficulties I did. The decision was made he was going to drive my car back to New York and pack his things and come back.

After he left I got a phone call from Joan. She told me that I had been reported to social services for drug use. "Who contacted them?" I wanted to know.

"Lacy did she believes that you drove Mikaela while you were high and she had to report you" she said. "They contacted me and I wanted to warn you that that they would be coming to see you soon."

I was angry that she would rat me out like that. I mean who else could it be? No one else knew that I was doing drugs. "Well let me tell you something. I won't be here when they come. I'm leaving today and going back east. I'm sick of people interfering in my life. I thought I could trust you apparently I can't" I yelled at her before hanging up. I immediately called Gary and told him to come back and get us. I didn't know what I was going to do with my animals. I had eight dogs, ten cats, a snake, and a fish tank full of fish. Thank God I had given the horses away the year before. I called my dad and asked if he could come by and feed them and he said no. I didn't have anyone else to ask so after giving it some thought I opened a bag of cat food on the table, put a big bowl in the sink with the water on a slow drip. I unplugged the fish tank filters and dumped all their food in the water. I packed some clothes for the kids and the dog food and took the dogs with us. I had just fed the snake so I figured he would be fine.

It was a long expensive trip with two cars. We needed two cars with that many dogs four dogs per car. We finally arrived in New York two days later early in the morning. Joan had been trying to call since I hung up on her but I wasn't answering. We crawled into bed as soon as we got to Gary's house and the when we got up we went over how much money we had left. It wasn't enough to get back to North Dakota right away. I had no intention of staying here I just wanted them to think that. We would have to wait for the following month before we could make the return trip. That month was awful we were locked in a little house with eight dogs that were used to being outside running free. We had to keep them on leashes all the time and walk them multiple times a day. It was hot and boring. And the neighbors were serious jerks.

I was so happy when July arrived so that I could go home. We rented a small pull behind trailer loaded it up with everything that he wanted to take and got ready to leave that night. He had two cats to bring with him unfortunately one of his cats hated dogs so it made for a very complicated drive. When we finally made it back I swore that I would never take another road trip with that many dogs ever again. When I first went in the house I couldn't believe it. The fish were all still alive. I fed them right away and plugged in their filter. The cats were fine just wanted some extra attention. The grass needed some serious mowing but other than that everything was the same. I had no intention of letting anyone know that I was back in town. I had talked to Joan once while I was in New York I told her that I was on the east coast and that she should cancel all my appointments. I missed having her to talk to however. Also while I was back east social services called and when I told them I was in New York they simply told me to call when and if I came back.

The summer went by really fast. I did go back to seeing Joan because she really had been helping me. I just wouldn't tell her everything anymore. I was careful to tell her that I was no longer doing drugs or drinking. I was careful never to say anything that she would have to report. I put Mikaela back into counseling also. She needed to be able to have someone she could confide in if something went wrong while Gary was living with us. It was right around this time that Leann told me that she was gay and had a girlfriend. I didn't like it but I didn't make a fuss about it however because that never works with teenagers. I just told her to feel free to discuss it with me or her counselor and left it at that.

I liked Gary but I didn't trust him. Near the end of summer I got a call from my friend Patty asking me to drive school bus since they were short a driver. When I explained that Gary didn't want me to work she asked if I could help out just until they found another driver. They were desperate for someone to drive and I really did want to help out but I didn't want a job that would leave Gary alone with my girls. After Leann assured me that she would watch out for Mikaela I agreed to help out for two months only. The principal of the school I was hired by was a really nice guy and it didn't hurt that he was totally hot. I really liked the kids on my bus and I came to like the job. When the two months were almost up the other bus driver died I stayed on so they wouldn't be even more shorthanded. Things weren't going as well as I had hoped with Gary. I had to restrict Gary from talking to Mikaela because all he wanted to do was yell at her. I overheard him yelling at her one morning when I called Leann on her cell phone. I didn't understand why he was treating her like that when he supposedly he so badly wanted to be her father. I was starting to have doubts about his motives. However, I had more money than I had ever had before.

Gary was selling his pain killers and they were bringing in a lot of money. My friends had introduced us to a couple that had enough money to buy all of the pills at once. Tyler and Rebecca were an interesting couple. They lived about seven hours away from us and after the first time we would often meet him halfway. His family was wealthy and politically connected so he didn't have to work if he didn't want to. They were also taking some classes at their local collage. He quit his job about three months after we met them and they moved closer to our area.

Gary and Tyler became friends and after Tyler quit his job they spent a lot of time at my place. I always thought that they were taking the pills the same way Gary did until the first time I walked in on them in the bathroom. I knocked to see if someone was in the bathroom and was told to come in. When I walked in they were dissolving the morphine and shooting it up. "Please make sure that my kids never see you do that" I said.

Rebecca was making plans to make a run to pick up a load of crystal meth. Tyler couldn't go with her right away because he had a test that he had to take. So she was going to go first and he was going to follow. Unfortunately he was arrested the morning he was going to leave. He was on probation and when his probation officer stopped by to give him a random drug test he panicked and tried to flush some needles down the toilet. He was caught and when his wife called Gary had to tell her what happened and that they were looking for her as well. Things were a mess. Tyler's mom bailed him out and when he got word that his other probation was violated in another jurisdiction he came to stay with us so that the cops couldn't find him.

Meanwhile Rebecca was down in Iowa picking up her stuff. She drove another friend's car down there. Now the rule is when you borrow someone's car, that is the time it's going to break down, and sure enough it did. She called in a panic when the car broke down. Gary decided that since he was the only mechanic that they knew he just had to help her. So he and the owner of the car went down to get the car fixed and bring her home. Now I hate drama and I was getting very sick of all the drama they were bringing into my life. When everyone got back we got a lot of dope for our trouble and even that didn't make me feel any better.

When Tyler finally got arrested again I decided that I had had enough. If we hadn't been selling pills we never would have met these people and about now I was wishing that we had never met them. I didn't want to sell pills anymore. I wanted to get away from these people and their problems. I went to Gary and told him how I felt. He needed those pills and we were doing just fine financially without selling them. After all I had gotten by on far less. I found out later that he continued selling them behind my back.

I cared about Gary but with his yelling at Mikaela and now going behind my back to sell the pills. I was quickly reaching the end of my patience. I had been talking to Joan about the possibility of asking him to go back to New York. I felt bad about his moving here for us so I wanted to be sure that it wasn't going to work out. I was becoming a little surer every day. Joan suggested that we take parenting classes to at least try to overcome whatever problems he had with being a good dad. I agreed that they might work. Her classes had taught me a lot when social services made me take them. So I asked Gary and he agreed to go if that was what I thought was best. I already had a book to study and Joan gave Gary one of his own. And I have to give him credit he read that book and did the assignments. In class one day he said "my biggest problem with Mikaela is that she does what I tell her. She just doesn't do it right."

"But she does it" I said "you have to praise her for trying. Not yell at her for not doing it exactly right. I had to learn that lesson as well." I explained "If all you do is yell at her whether she does it or not then she isn't going to do it anymore." When he would have disagreed with me Joan backed me up. I thought that just maybe these classes might make the difference but if they didn't he was going to have to go.

When Rebecca ended up in jail as well Gary wanted to put up my house as collateral for bail to get Tyler out so that he could help his wife. I put my foot down there was no way I was going to risk my home. He had rich parents he didn't need our money. He just needed to tell his mom. Deep down I was glad that they were out of my life. Gary was still visiting the husband in jail but I had already written them off. Gary went to where they used to live and visited Rebecca because Tyler asked him to. He also picked up a pickup that Tyler told him about. I found out later that he gave the guy most of his pills and all of our ready cash for the truck. But he didn't get a title or a bill of sale. He bought them both comfort items and put money on their jail accounts so they could make calls and buy stuff they needed inside. I wasn't happy it was almost Christmas and although I had bought the girls a few presents already I didn't want to waste money that we needed on his friends. We hadn't gone grocery shopping yet nor had we bought the bulk of the gifts yet. "They are going to pay me back as soon as he gets a hold of his mom" Gary told me.

The doctor decided to switch Gary to Methadone because the morphine wasn't cutting it anymore. He was in pain all the time. Course that could have something to do with him selling all his pills. "I don't think you should switch" I told him before his appointment but he didn't listen. I'm not so sure that he didn't switch because Tyler asked him to. But I can't prove it.

Tyler called that night "can I talk to Gary?" He asked.

"No, you can ask me whatever you're going to ask him" I said not in the mood to lose any more money.

"I just wanted to know if Gary would be willing to get a new game and steam it open and smuggle some pills in to me. They won't check if it looks like the game is brand new" he said quickly

"Are you insane, no he will not do that" I said then hung up on him. I found out a little later that night that he asked another friend to do the same thing. We speculated that he was trying to get someone arrested so that he could get himself out of jail.

One afternoon Gary and I smoked a joint before I got ready for work. Right before I left he went in to take a nap. "Wake me up in time for supper" he said as I said goodbye. I left and didn't get home until almost six o'clock. I figured I had better wake him up even though I hadn't made supper yet. I went in and called his name. When he didn't respond I reached over and shook him. Something didn't feel right so I turned the light on and climbed on the bed and rolled him over. He wasn't sleeping he was dead. I looked at him for a second then walked out of the bedroom almost in a daze. I went into Leann's room and when she looked up from her homework I said "Gary's dead." She stared at me for a minute trying to see if I was joking. What do I do? Where should I hide him? Was the first thoughts I remember having.

I called Patty "Gary is dead" I blurted out as soon as she picked up.

"What do you mean he's dead?" she asked.

"He's dead, I went to wake him up and he was dead" I said.

"Have you called 911 yet?" She asked.

"No, you are the only one I called" I said.

"Hang up and call 911. I'm on my way. I will be there as soon as I can" she told me.

I hung up and realized I was shaking. I knew that I should be feeling something so I let the tears come. I made the call to 911 and when the woman picked up I told her that my boyfriend had died. She asked a lot of questions and then had me do CPR which isn't as easy as it looks on TV.

I yelled for Leann "get the dogs locked in your room so that there isn't any trouble when the paramedics get here." Catching sight of Mikaela standing in the hallway I said "take her in your bedroom and let her watch TV."

Patty got there soon after the paramedics the dogs were barking in Leann's room, I was crying at the table, and Leann was hovering behind me not sure what to do. She walked over and hugged me while I cried. Soon the police were there and so was the coroner. Finally they brought the body bag out of my room and walked past us out the door.

I couldn't seem to stop crying I didn't understand it at first but when I told Joan she helped me to explore my feelings. I was afraid of going back to just the one pay check, to being on my own again, and I was afraid that my daughters were going to be traumatized. The only thing Mikaela said after Gary died was "now things can go back to normal." I thought for sure she was hiding her true feelings. Turned out she wasn't. He had made life so unhappy for her that she was just glad it was over. I cried for a couple days. Then it was over and the tears stopped.

I realized that Gary was the one that had hid the Christmas presents that I did have and I didn't have any idea where. I looked everywhere I could think of. Then I told the girls and they looked everywhere they could think of. It was two weeks until Christmas and I was completely broke. Gary had spent all our money on trying to help his new friends. I knew I was never going to see that money.

Tyler called supposedly to offer his condolences and I let him have it about everything. I was angry and scared that I wouldn't have anything for my kids for Christmas including dinner. When I was done he said "I have a friend that will buy the rest of Gary's Methadone pills from you. He will give you a good price and you can buy the things you need."

"I don't want to do that anymore" I replied.

"Well if you want the money I can have my friend call you today. You can arrange to meet him" he said.

"Okay I'll do it one more time. Give him the number" I said. The next day I got the phone call. We arranged to meet in town and he would buy the remainder of the pills for $550. I sent the girls into the store and I waited alone. I didn't want the guy to be spooked. I wanted him to know that I was cool so when he got there I asked him "Do you know where I can get a little weed?"

"No why you can't find any?" he replied.

"No everyone around here is getting busted so you better be careful" I said.

"No worries, I'm not staying here." When he gave me the money I pointed to the glove box. He opened it, found the pills and counted them.

"You should be careful taking those. I think that was what Gary died from" I told him.

"Okay thanks" and that was it he got out of the car and left. I went in bought some things for the girls, bought some groceries and we went home.

Beginning of January I got a phone call from the police station asking me to come down and answer some questions about Gary's death. I couldn't figure out what they would want to know. I talked to Joan about my apprehensions and she said "you have nothing to worry about. You have done nothing wrong. So go answer their questions and call me when your done."

I took the afternoon off from work and went down there. The detective led me into a little room and said "before we begin I need to wait for my partner." I nodded but kept quiet.

A man walked in and when he sat down he looked at me intently finally he asked "remember me?"

I shook my head "we met at the store several weeks ago" he prompted.

"I'm sorry I don't remember" I said.

"You sold me some pills" he said.

"Now I remember you" I said going cold inside.

There was no use denying it. They had me cold. After asking me some questions about the doctor that prescribed Gary the pills. And asking if Gary went to several different doctors he sat back and looked at me "well I'm going to give all this information to the district attorney and he can decide if he is going to prosecute. We will be in touch in a couple of weeks. If he does decide to prosecute you are you going to turn yourself in or are you going to make us come get you?" he asked.

"I'll turn myself in" I assured him.

"I have only two more questions before you go. If you thought that those pills killed your boyfriend why did you sell them?" He asked.

"I warned you about them" was all I said.

"Yes you certainly did. How many people have you sold to?"

"Just you and the guy that set me up for you" I said.

"How do you know anyone sent me your way? We monitor jail house calls you know" he replied.

"Because I'm not stupid that's how I know. If I had been thinking clearly I never would have gone for it. I'm not excusing what I did. I made a mistake and I will answer for it" I told him.

"I'm sorry to tell you this but since you asked me for weed I'm going to have to inform social services that you have children and are doing drugs. I'm also going to have to contact your work." he said.

"I will tell my boss myself you don't have to worry about that" I said. I walked out of the building and got in my car. I didn't start it I sat there for a minute then I opened my phone and called my boss. I didn't even consider lying to him. I told him the whole story.

"You didn't do this while you were on the bus did you?" he asked.

"No of course not" I said.

"I can't have you working here under the circumstances. I'll look into how we need to proceed. For now you can't drive for us" he told me. I expected it but it didn't hurt any less. I hadn't even been charged formally yet.

I called Joan next "well how did it go it was nothing right?" she asked.

"Not exactly" I said then told her the whole story. I had never told her that we were selling pills and she wasn't happy that I had been lying to her all this time. I couldn't believe that I lost everything in one afternoon. I had to tell my family which meant mom and dad. I wasn't telling anyone else. One thing I did know I was done smoking weed until this was all over with.

I found out later that week when I got a letter from social security that Mikaela was going to get death benefits. So I was going to have some money coming in. I was arrested a month later and I sat in jail for seven hours until I got to go to a bail hearing. I had consulted a lawyer about what was likely to happen next so I was prepared I had saved out enough money for the bail. Once I posted bail I walked out. Since I had turned myself in my car was there which was good. I didn't have to call anyone to come get me.

I did get a visit from social services but it was several months later. They decided that I needed a drug and alcohol evaluation and I had to follow any recommendations given. So I went and after peeing in a cup I talked with a woman I had talked to before. Joan had me get an evaluation some time ago when she was afraid that I had a problem. Even though I knew what to say this time I was sure that they were going to recommend treatment simply because I hadn't finished their treatment plan last time. I was wrong she recommended an information class but no drug testing. The class lasted six weeks and was an informal one on one sessions with a drug counselor. It was not going to be a problem. As soon as I realized I wasn't getting another drug test I started smoking weed again.

My court hearings began and I was appointed a court appointed lawyer. He was very good. He worked out a deal where I got house arrest for thirty day and two years probation. I was very happy with this deal because selling prescription drugs is a federal offense and I could have gotten twenty years in prison. I was not complaining about one month house arrest. After my probation is over they will drop my felony down to a misdemeanor and that was the most important piece of my plea agreement. I do not want to be a felon forever. What I hadn't realized was how hard it was going to be to get a job when you're a felon.

I pulled into myself after my arrest. I didn't leave the house anymore except to go to counseling and bring Leann to the store so she could go in and buy groceries. I was going back into the depression I had fought so hard to climb out of and I didn't care. As long as I could sit in my chair and watch TV I was quite content. But the longer I stayed in the house the harder I found it to leave. I was being swamped with anxiety. It got so bad that I couldn't even go to my daughters school play or see her sing with the school band, or watch her play basketball. I couldn't bring myself to go out where I would have to talk to anyone.

One day Mikaela went for a walk and she didn't come back. I didn't panic until she had been gone for two hours. I got in the truck to go look for her. I went one way for a couple of miles then the other way. I didn't see her anywhere. I thought about going up a knocking on some doors but I just couldn't do it. As I was passing my closest neighbors house I noticed two guys outside working on bicycles. I had met this neighbor a time or two when he had come over to borrow something so I didn't hesitate to turn down his driveway.

When I pulled up the guys walked over to the truck "have you seen a little girl walk by this way?" I asked.

"No we haven't seen anyone today but if you want we can help you look" he offered. "My name is Damon and this is Rich. We would be happy to help" he said.

"If you don't mind I would appreciate that so much" I said. We traded cell phone numbers and they jumped in a car and I went one way and they went the other. Ten minutes later Damon called. They had found her. When she got home I just hugged her. I waited to say anything because I had called the sheriff when I couldn't find her and I knew that he would have plenty to say and she might listen to him. When he got there he did lecture her and she has never done anything like that again so I guess it worked.

I made a strawberry cheesecake for the neighbors and brought it down there to show how much I appreciated their help. When the door opened it was Damon's parents Todd and Cheryl. They came out and we talked for a while. "We go to a Baptist church nearby and we would love to take you if you're interested" Cheryl said.

"I like church but I'm afraid I don't go out into public places. It is a phobia that I struggle with so thank you but I think I'm going pass" I answered.

"Well how about your daughter we could take her if you wanted" she offered.

"I'll have to think about it but thank you for asking" I said as I slowly made my way down the stairs away from them. I wanted Mikaela to go to church but I didn't know these people and I wasn't sending her with someone I didn't know.

That Saturday a strange vehicle pulled into the yard. When I walked out on my front porch to see who was here Cheryl got out and with her was Lucy. I have known Lucy for years she worked down at my favorite gas station and we had become friendly over time. "Hi Cheryl, Lucy what's up? I haven't seen you in long time. How's it going?" I asked. She caught me up on her life. She had married Damon a year and a half ago and they had a three month old baby girl. Now I love babies so I was disappointed that she hadn't brought her along, although I could understand why she didn't. She knew that I was a stoner and a drunk. Every time I got drunk and she was working I would call her and just talk and talk. And I can't count the number of times that I went in to the station stoned. They wanted to know if they could bring us to church with them. I wasn't ready to go anywhere but I said that Mikaela could go although I made a point of saying that she could go with Lucy.

After church on Sunday when Lucy and Damon brought Mikaela home they came in with the baby and brought pizzas. "Is it okay if we eat lunch with you?" Damon asked. "We brought pizza so you don't have to make anything."

I didn't really want anyone in my house and then I caught sight of the baby. "Can I hold the baby?" I asked.

"Of course" Lucy said.

"Leann can you cook these pizza's for us please?" I asked as I unhooked the baby from her car seat. I sat in my recliner holding little Ruthy until the pizza's were ready. I fell in love with that baby almost immediately. As the weeks passed Lucy and Damon spent almost every Sunday after church having pizza at my house while I held the baby.

They slowly drew me over to their house where they lived with Damon's parents Cheryl and Todd, his brother Jeff and sister Jessica. Man what a houseful. I know I could never have tolerated living with so many people but Todd and Cheryl seemed to like having their children at home. I watched waiting for fights to break out, for arguments to escalate, for someone to encroach on someone else's space, for disrespect, for discord, for anything that normal people would have gone through but it never seemed to happen. Everyone was always respectful to each other, happy and nice. It just wasn't normal. I didn't see much of Jeff he stayed in his room and I didn't pay much attention to Jessica she was young and I wasn't interested in getting to know another immature woman child. I figured I had nothing in common with her so she wasn't anyone I needed to pay attention to. Leann spent some time with her.

I told my new friends about my conviction not wanting to hide anything but I didn't tell them the whole truth. I lied to make myself sound better but as I got to know them I began to feel bad about lying and eventually I told them the whole truth. They didn't condemn me for it they were very understanding and accepting. I spent some extra time with Lucy while Damon was away for a month for his job. I played with Ruthy and got to know everyone better.

Damon came home and we were invited to a bonfire on the fourth of July weekend. Mikaela talked me into going. So I went but as more people showed up I grew uncomfortable and I walked toward the house to make an excuse and go home. Damon was walking toward the bonfire and we stopped and started talking. I don't exactly remember how the subject came up but I mentioned that I was a Christian and he very politely disagreed.

"To be a Christian you must repent, turn from your sinful ways and try to live a sin free life" he told me. I got angry who was he to tell me that I wasn't a Christian. I have been a Christian since I was a child. Hadn't God always protected me. I knew that he had. I walked away got into my car and drove home. I sat in my chair lit a joint and watched television. It wasn't until I was in bed that night that his words came back to me. I tried not to think about it but they wouldn't go away. Lord are you trying to tell me something I prayed. Is there something I'm missing Father. I'm not doing so well, am I? Am I saved? Is there something you are trying to teach me? I want to be saved Lord. I want to be your child. I have always wanted that. If I'm really not saved then I don't know how to be saved. Lord tell me what to do. Tears were soaking into my pillow I was scared to death that Damon just might be right.

The next week they asked if Mikaela could go to the church's summer camp and after they assured me that she could call every night and she begged me to let her go. I finally agreed that she could go. Lucy and Damon came over a few days later "Do you want to go to a service out at the camp with us tomorrow? We can pick you up and we will stay with you so you don't have to be nervous." This was a chance to try to figure out what I was doing wrong. I really wanted to go hear a sermon. I smoked a joint just before they were due to show up so that I wouldn't be so nervous. When we arrived at the camp ground there were people everywhere. If I had my own car I probably would have turned around and left. Even with being stoned my anxiety level went through the roof. I stayed back between them and we walked into where they were giving the sermon.

"Do you mind staying for awhile" Lucy asked after the service was over.

"Sure if you want to" I said. Of course I minded but I couldn't say that. It was obvious that she wanted to stay. I remained on the fringes of the group but even then people were coming up to me and asking if Mikaela was my daughter and telling me how much they enjoyed having her there. When Lucy said it was time to go I was more than ready. That night lying in bed I prayed Lord if you want me to go to church then please make the anxiety a little more bearable. I can't handle it like this and going to camp stoned is one thing but I will not go to church stoned.

Right after junior camp was family camp and Todd and Cheryl came down one day to ask if I would let Mikaela stay with them during family camp. I didn't see why not as Lucy and Damon was going to be there as well. I went to a service out there that week as well. After service they served dinner and I held Ruthy so that Lucy could eat and as a barrier against looking up at people. With Ruthy in my arms it wasn't as difficult this time.

After the camps were over I went to Lucy "do you think that I could go to church with you?" I asked.

"Of course you can. We would love to have you with us" she exclaimed.

Had I known that everyone at church liked to hug I might have chickened out. As it was as soon as pastor told them to greet one another and the people started to hug everyone I excused myself and practically ran to the bathroom. I didn't know if I could handle shaking hands and talking to people. I knew that there was no way I wanted anyone hugging me. The pastor was very straight forward with his sermon. There was no trying to figure out what he was talking about you knew. I understood the sermon better than any sermon I had ever heard. I don't know if it was the way he preached or that I was actually listening but it felt that he was talking straight to me. I could apply what he was saying right to my life. I was learning what I was doing wrong. I was learning that I was thinking about something's the wrong way. I learned more in that month than in all the previous years of church attendance.

I knew that Jesus had died on the cross for my sins but I had never personalized it before. I never looked inside myself and saw that I wasn't just committing some random sin I was actively sinning against Jesus. I was standing at the foot of the cross and saying what your doing doesn't matter to me. I don't have to stop what I'm doing just because you're suffering and dying so that I can be forgiven. You're not that important to me. I don't care about what you did for me. When I personalized it I was appalled. I couldn't stand the things that I was doing anymore. I had come to repentance and I was so glad that no matter how many times I had turned my back on Christ when I reached out he was still there waiting for me. On that August night I laid in my bed and prayed. Lord, I'm so sorry for all the times I have turned against you. I'm sorry for the many sins I have committed against you. I ask for you to forgive me and I ask that you come into my heart and change it. Please Lord change my attitude and my heart so that I may begin to serve you in whatever way you want me to. I want to live for you Father and I want to be washed clean of my sins and be a new creature like you said I could. A sense of peace that I had never felt before filled me. I actually felt my heart change.

I was still afraid of going out into public but I wanted more than anything to learn about how to live like a Christian. I thought I knew so much already just because I had been taught the bible. It turned out that most the things I thought I knew were incorrect or not learned in the correct context. When I heard sermons as a lost person (lost person is an unsaved person) I gave them meanings that made sense to me and my thoughts are not Christ's thoughts. I didn't have the ability to understand the meaning of bible teachings by my own understanding. After being saved I had the Holy Spirit to make the meaning of sermons clearer. I understood better than I ever had before. It was like I had been deaf to anything that would have told me to change.

I started slowly; the first change that I made was reading my bible every day. Every morning before doing anything else I would get up and read two chapters in the Old Testament, one chapter in Psalms and Proverbs, then two chapters in the New Testament. After I finished reading I would pray. Sometimes for my family to be saved, sometimes for myself, but I always thanked God for bringing Damon, Lucy, Todd, and Cheryl into my life. I always wished for good friends and God gave them to me. As the summer went on I spent many mornings walking down to have morning devotions with Lucy. I would play with the baby while Lucy read from her bible. She never minded stopping to answer questions.

Not that everything was fabulous as soon as I got saved. I still couldn't find a job, I still had to go through house arrest, I still had to find the money to pay the bills, Leann decided to move out and go her own way, and I had to deal with the other million and one things that go wrong every day. The difference wasn't in life it was in how I handled life. Once I knew that I was supposed to lay my problems on God and cease to worry about anything. I tried to follow that teaching. At first I wasn't very good at it. I had been in control for so long I didn't know how to give it to anyone else. Especially someone I couldn't see. I mean how was he going to make money appear out of thin air, how was he going to fix the car, how was he going to make the dog food last, how could he take care of Leann when I wasn't there to do it, how could he protect my girls. The first lesson I had to learn was trust and it was easily the hardest lesson for me to learn. But little by little as I learned to pray about the things I was worried about, as I learned to talk it over with Him I found myself worrying less and less. The bills somehow got paid, the car got fixed, the dogs ate cat food for a couple of days, I learned how to let go of Leann and still love her, and day by day he took care of me and Mikaela. When I stopped trying to handle everything on my own I wasn't so stressed out and I didn't yell at Mikaela as much. So my relationship with her improved dramatically.

After praying and asking God to help me find a job one of the ladies I used to work with called and we talked. She was driving semi trucks and after talking to her boss managed to get him to give me a chance. I was to be included in the next training program and if I passed they would take me to get my license and give me a job making more money than I ever had before. The only catch was that the next training program wasn't for another six months. Although I attempted to I couldn't find another job. So my next lesson was patience.

God was working on me. I thought He was telling me to write this book. But I didn't want to. There were things that I hadn't dealt with, things that I didn't want to face. So instead of writing I went out trying to find a job ignoring that little voice inside that was urging me to stay home and write. After three months of ignoring it one day my car wouldn't start. So I called for a jump start and when the car started I got maybe a quarter of a mile down the road and the engine blew. Now I had no way to leave my house. I had to rely on Lucy to get me to my appointments with my probation officer and to the store to buy groceries.

Otherwise I was at home and I had a feeling that I was going to be at home until I wrote this book. So I started working on it. I wasn't sure that I would remember things clearly enough to put it on paper. But as I wrote things came back to me things that I didn't even remember knowing. Details were just there as if they happened yesterday and that wasn't always a good thing. I went through some things as if they were happening all over but the incredible thing was once I had them written down I could let them go. Things that I hadn't even realized were bothering me were gone. I felt lighter than ever before. Like a heavy weight had been lifted. I also came to know that all the bad times I had worked so hard to forget also made me forget the good times that were there also. Those good feelings came back as well.

In trying to forget certain times and people. I was forgetting some very good people that had helped me along the way. I think of them as angels now sent at just the right moment to help me get through a particularly bad time or to send me back toward the Lord when I was getting to far away. In writing this book I have identified several "angels" that God put in my path. Also in writing this book I discovered that God was with me every step of the way. All of the times that I put myself in danger, all the times when I was in a position to not only get hurt but possibly killed. Everything that I thought of as bad could have been so much worse. I have never been more thankful for the trials I have been through. I thank God every day for saving my life. I'm sure more times than I actually know about. And I just pray that I can do a good job at whatever he was saving me for because as hard as he had to work to protect me he must have something very special for me to do for him. I know when the time comes he will give me the strength for that to. I look forward to whatever he has in store for me next. Whatever it is I will go into it praising and thanking God for going before me.

The church's I always went to were different from this one. The people were nice enough but allowed me to be invisible and that was the way I liked it. Not in this church. I'm always being greeted by multiple people. From the very first day there was this one guy Matt that made it a point to come over and shake my hand every time I was there. Now I knew that it couldn't have anything to do with hitting on me because I was fat now. I couldn't figure out why he would seek me out but it made me feel good that he did. Soon there were many people who would come to shake my hand including the pastor although I didn't make a big deal out of it. And most of the time it made me uncomfortable. Deep down I was starting to like it.

Then one day I had a problem coming up with some money to pay the taxes on my house. I called Lucy because she was helping me get on track with my finances. We discussed different ways to come up with the money including not paying any other bills. She suggested that I call the associate pastor because he was really much better with money than she was and we should get his advise on the best way to proceed. I have always been reluctant to tell anyone else about my problems. She finally convinced me however that it would be a good idea. I just couldn't bring myself to call him so I emailed him instead.

Lucy called me not even an hour later. "Can I come over?" She asked.

"You can always come over you don't have to ask" I said.

"Yes I do because I won't be coming alone" she told me. "Matt is with me."

"Okay come on over" I said wondering what this was about.

When they got here I invited them inside and Matt got right to it. "I hear your having some money trouble." I looked at Lucy and with a look she encouraged me to talk to him. I explained the situation and after promising to pray about it he walked toward the door. When he got there he turned "how are you doing on food?"

"We're okay" I said carefully. Not looking at Lucy who would be giving me one of her you're lying looks. We had been eating nothing but rice and sometimes vegetables for over a month.

"You wouldn't tell me if you weren't fine would you?" He commented. I looked down at the floor "really we are fine. We have plenty of rice" I said not wanting to lie to him.

"You are being a very difficult sister to get information from" he said.

"Welcome to my family" I quipped. I didn't know why he had stopped by but if he wanted to pray for me that was fine.

At church that Sunday a meeting was called for all the men by Matt. I grabbed Todd's arm before he could go "I know I probably sound paranoid but if that meeting is about me about giving me money then you have to tell them about my conviction." I said starting to cry "You can't let them think that I deserve to be helped. This is all my own fault and they can't decide to help me if they don't know." I was crying because I didn't want anyone to know what a horrible thing I had done. I wanted them all to like me. I just knew that if they knew who I really was they wouldn't want to waste time on me.

Todd assured me that if he felt it was necessary he would tell them. I had been riding into church with Todd and Cheryl for months now so I couldn't get away until he was done. But I couldn't wait inside for him. I didn't want to see the looks of condemnation on the faces of the men when they came out. I didn't want to see that look on Matt's face. What I had forgotten was that I had already told Matt all about my conviction. I had helped him and his wife with several others clean out a house they had just bought. I told him while we were sitting together eating lunch and talking.

When Todd came out they joined me in the car and we drove away. "Well was it what I thought?" I asked.

Todd looked at me in the rear view mirror "yes it was what you thought" he said.

"So did you tell them?" I asked.

"I didn't have to. Matt told them."

As I sat there I wondered how I was going to face all those people ever again. When I said as much to Lucy she said "everyone makes mistakes. No one is going to judge you because you made one."

"Really many of your members sell drugs to undercover cops do they?" I asked sarcastically. "Your sin is no better or worse than anyone else's sin. All sin is the same in the eyes of God. Murder and telling a lie is the same they are both sins." I had a hard time wrapping my brain around that.

The next Sunday I was talking to Lucy when Todd came up "after we are done loading your stuff into the truck we can get going home."

I looked at him confused. "My stuff what do you mean my stuff? I don't have any stuff."

"You'll see" was all he would say.

When I got outside his truck was filled with groceries. I couldn't believe my eyes. Then I got a second shock when he said "We couldn't fit everything into my truck so there is another car that is going to drive out with more in their trunk. Todd actually drove with the other car and left before we did. I worried that my dogs would be a problem but they knew and loved Todd so instead of worrying I just hurried everyone along. They were already done unloading by the time we got home. When everything was unloaded there wasn't an empty space in my whole kitchen. It took Mikaela and I two hours to put it all away. Even then it wouldn't all fit. My counters were full of cereal and other assorted foods. I couldn't believe that they had done all this for me. There was even a bag of dog food in one of the baskets.

Matt called Todd the next day and he told me "we took up a collection from the church members. Matt just called to tell me that when everything was counted he had to kick in only ten dollars to have all the money for your taxes."

I couldn't believe how much these people who didn't even know me were helping me. Todd came over and hugged me when I started to cry. "Why are they helping me?" I asked. "I'm not even a member of your church."

"Because they think that you're worth it. Beside you have been going to our church for over six months. You have shown an interest in being baptized and becoming a member. Everyone loves you." I couldn't understand why. I had never been so accepted and shown such support from a church or even my own family.

I wanted to thank everyone for their generosity so I talked to the associate pastor about how I would do that. "Well you can either write something for me to read to everyone. Or you can stand up and talk to them yourself." I really wanted to write something and just let him do the talking. But I knew that it wasn't going to be good enough in my eyes. I had to stand up and make the effort. Everyone there deserved for me to make the effort. So before the service he gave me the microphone and as I stood up shaking like a leaf I thanked everyone. I got choked up a few times which I didn't expect but I managed to tell everyone what their generosity meant to me. I knew that I had found a home at this little church with people that actually cared about me and mine. It wasn't the help that they gave it was that they were willing to help. I never had been able to accept help without feeling panicky that something was going to be wanted in return. I was used to manipulating people to get what I wanted. I wasn't going to live like that anymore. Maybe these people could teach me about giving and receiving help from others the right way.

Another concept I had a very hard time learning was that Jesus forgave all my sins. Not just the ones I had committed already but the ones I hadn't committed yet. This was an idea that I didn't get. How can I be forgiven for something I hadn't done yet? But I believed in the Bible being true so if the Bible says it it must be true.

Then it happened. Todd gave me a van that they had sitting around and while it needs a transmission it will get me where I need to go just a little more slowly. I had an appointment coming up to see my probation officer and for the first time in months I was going to be able to go alone. As soon as I realized that I would be going alone the only thought that filled my head was call Cecelia. I fought it but not that hard. I had wanted to smoke weed for awhile. I swung back and forth in my mind call her don't call her then the day before my appointment I called her. I made arrangements to meet her the next day after I saw my probation officer and Joan.

I sat through meetings with both of them. They were telling me how great I was doing. And all along I was thinking man I can't wait to get stoned. Finally I was saying goodbye to Joan and I had my phone out calling Cecelia before the elevator doors closed behind me. She asked me to meet her at her place and in the next breath I knew I was in trouble. "Can you pick up some cold pills for me at the pharmacy?" She asked.

I knew that meant she was back into meth. "Yeah I can do that" I said "as soon as I get them I'll be over." All hesitation was gone. The urge had me by the throat. As soon as I got to her house she hooked me up. I was flying high without a care in the world. I stayed with her for the rest of the day.

When I left she gave me a glass pipe with meth in it. "You can take this home with you" she offered. I gladly took it. I went home and spent all night speeding half the next day as well. When it was gone I went out and smashed the pipe into the dumpster and waited for the inevitable crash. I had been up for thirty hours already and then I realized I was going to have to go to church that night.

I was okay sitting in church waiting for the sermon. Then pastor read a letter that he had received from a man that they had helped some time ago. He told them how he had wandered away from God. How it started with just an occasional drink. I know I'm alcoholic but I thought that occasional usage wouldn't bother me. He was writing from prison where he was probably going to spend the next several years on an alcohol related charge. He was asking for prayer to help him get right with God again. That's when it hit me. I hadn't given any thought to what would have happened had I been stopped and the meth found. I would have been in jail just like this guy. I would not only lose my daughter I would lose the respect of everyone that had worked so hard to help me. I was overcome with guilt. I couldn't breathe. How could I do something so stupid for nothing? I was emotionally overcome. I held the tears at bay but I couldn't talk to anyone.

Ironically the sermon was on the choices we make and fighting the desires of our flesh it seems that every time I fall short God is right there to tell me what I need to do to get right again. After the sermon was over several people came up to ask if I was alright. I would smile and say I was fine. I debated whether to talk to pastor or not and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Lucy came over and we went outside. I told her what I had done and I talked to Damon later that night. I couldn't get past the guilt over having made a mistake like that.

Then I went to family camp. There was a pastor there that explained in his sermon that salvation has two roads one vertical and on horizontal. The vertical road is the point when you get saved. Everything you did before is covered with the blood of Christ and every time after whenever Satan goes to God to tell on you for sinning Jesus stands up and says it's covered under the blood. Every time I sin Jesus intercedes on my behalf and it is forgiven. However on the horizontal road whenever I sin I separate myself from having a personal relationship with God. He turns away from me until I repent. As soon as I do then he is back with me again.

I know that even though my sins are forgiven I need God to walk with me down that road. I know that the answer is spending more time in God's word every day. With his help I can have the victory over this addiction I have.

The pastor and his wife have been helping me deal with my urges. Pastor gave me a great tool to use if this fight. He told me about brain remapping. Brain remapping is when you tell yourself something such as I do not want to use drugs several times several times a day. I know that sounds so hokey but I tried it for two months straight I told myself that I didn't want to use drugs and even though for various reasons I have since been in contact with Cecelia I have felt absolutely no urge to do any kind of drug. She has offered on many occasions but I had no interest. I'm not sure I would have believed it if I hadn't tried it. I also prayed that God would help take the cravings away so maybe it was a combination of the two I don't know I just know that I'm slowly getting better and am starting to trust myself a little.

The job driving truck fell through but that's alright. I know that when the time is right God will lead me to the perfect job. If it isn't driving well then I'm open for whatever he has for me. I briefly had a job at a plastics factory. I figured that I would do well since I have worked in plastics before. I learned an important lesson working there. I'm not twenty anymore. My body which I have abused for so long can't hold up to physical labor anymore. That was a blow to my ego. I have always been physically strong and not to be able to do this work without feeling crippled was a horrible realization. So now I'm looking for something that is less strenuous. I still feel God leading me so when I do eventually find the job he has for me I'm sure that it will be perfect.

Todd, Cheryl, Lucy, Kevin, Jeff and even Jessica have become my family. They have become so very important to me and Mikaela. It may not be the family I was born into but I couldn't love them any more if they were blood related. My family may choose not to speak to me and ever since I got saved most of my sisters won't speak to me but this family that God gave me more than makes up for what I was lacking. Deep down I guess always wanted a family that cared about each other and looked out for one another, loved one another and wasn't afraid to show it. Maybe with God's help my own family can each come to that place but until they do I have something I wasn't even aware I was looking for. A real family people that love me, People that go out of there way for me, People that I'm accountable to when I mess up that tell me I'm wrong and they love me anyway. I never realized how awesome having a family like this was until God gave it to me.

So this is my story and I hope that I have helped someone realize that they are not alone in this life that no matter what you do God is out there waiting for you. He loves you and wants to save you from even yourself. He wants to give you so many blessings and when you follow the Lord he gives you your heart's desire. Of course when you love the Lord the desire of your heart may not be what you expect.

