>> THANK YOU.
HELLO.
IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE.
I ACTUALLY MADE A GOAL FOR
MYSELF THIS YEAR THAT I WOULD
SHOW UP TO THINGS I AGREED TO DO
( LAUGHTER )
SO THIS IS REALLY NEAT.
I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO SHOW UP
MORE IN GENERAL.
I WENT TO THE WOMEN'S MARCH IN
JANUARY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
I SAW A LOT OF BABIES OUT AND
ABOUT.
I REALIZED I LOVE SEEING BABIES
AT PROTESTS BECAUSE I ALWAYS
LIKE TO IMAGINE THEY CAME OF
THEIR OWN ACCORD, YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER )
THEY WEREN'T BROUGHT THERE.
LIKE THEY'RE THE GROUP THAT JUST
GOT TO THE PLANET BUT THEY'RE
ALREADY SO PISSED.
( LAUGHTER )
THEY'RE, LIKE, THIS IS
UNACCEPTABLE, YOU KNOW.
THIS IS NOT, LIKE, WHAT THE
BROCHURE SAID IT WOULD BE.
LIKE, WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
WE NEED TO ORGANIZE.
LET'S JUST -- LET'S JUST PICK A
SATURDAY AND, I DON'T KNOW,
STRAP OURSELVES TO TALLER
THINGS.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
YEAH, I DO BELIEVE IN WOMEN
HAVING CONTROL OVER THEIR OWN
BODIES.
DO I FEEL MY OWN BODY IS A
LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL.
I'M IN MY 30s AND IT KIND OF
FEELS LIKE MY BODY IS A BAND AND
THE OLDER I GET, DIFFERENT PARTS
ARE PURSUING SOLO CAREERS.
( APPLAUSE )
>> YEAH.
I MEAN, I DON'T BLAME IT IN A
LOT OF WAYS.
I HAVEN'T BEEN GREAT TO IT.
I'VE COME TO TERMS WHERE I HAVE
BEEN LOW-KEY DEHYDRATED MY WHOLE
LIFE.
( LAUGHTER )
I DON'T THINK THAT ONE DAY ON
EARTH, I WOULD BE LIKE EIGHT
CUPS, KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE
PARK!
I TRY TO TRICK MYSELF BY DEALING
SELTZER, IT'S LIKE WATER THAT
REALLY BELIEVES IN ITSELF.
IT'S LIKE WATER THAT READ "THE
SECRET" AND SAYS, I'M BACK!
THIS IS MY SECOND ACT!
THE PROBLEM IS I DRINK TOO MUCH
COFFEE.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I HAVE TERRIBLE ANSIDE, BUT IT'S
GOTTEN INTO A WEIRD CYCLE WHERE
I GET NERVOUS, TIRED, AND I
THINK, I KNOW WHAT WILL HELP,
ANOTHER CUP OF TERROR!
( LAUGHTER )
THE GENERAL VIBE IN MY BODY AT
ALL TIMES IS LIKE A MICHAEL BAY
MOVIE, A LOT OF EXPLOSIONS AND
GRIMACING INTO THE DISTANCE.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT, YEAH, I DON'T KNOW, I'M
TRYING TO BE A LESS NERVOUS
PERSON.
I AM AN INTROVERT AND SOMETIMES
IT'S HARD TO RALLY WHEN YOU'RE
AN INTROVERT.
YOU CAN'T BE, LIKE, WHERE ARE MY
INIES AT?
DON'T MAKE SO MUCH NOISE!
I FEEL LIKE THE PEOPLE I RELATE
TO THEM ARE NOT IN THE ROOM AND
I CAN ONLY DEEPLY RESPECT THEM
FOR LIVING THEIR TRUTHS.
SOME PEOPLE HAVE A FEAR OF
MISSING OUT.
I HAVE A FEAR OF MISSING IN.
I'M ALWAYS LIKE, I WONDER WHAT
MY APARTMENT IS DOING RIGHT NOW?
I'VE GOT TO TEXT MY COUCH LATER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DO HAVE TROUBLE GETTING OUT
THE DOOR.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN LATE TO
SOMETHING BECAUSE YOU JUST
ACCIDENTALLY SAT DOWN?
( LAUGHTER )
AND YOU'RE JUST, LIKE, THINGS
ARE TAKEN AN UNEXPECTED TURN.
GUESS THE NEXT FOUR HOURS ARE
JUST FINDING OUT THE BACKSTORY.
( APPLAUSE )
YEAH, I LIVE IN NEW YORK AND
THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE
THERE --
>> WHOO!
THANK YOU.
NEW YORK IS HERE.
( CHEERING )
I DO FEEL LIKE SOMETIMES WHEN
YOU GO OUT THERE, THE CITY HAS
TO MANY PEOPLE IT'S, LIKE, HERE
ARE A FEW EXAMPLES EXAMPLES OF
WHEY YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED AT
HOME.
IT'S VERY HELPFUL AT THE WAY.
I WAS RECENTLY WALKING THE CITY
AND I GOT STUCK BEHIND A PACK OF
FINANCE BROS.
I WAS TRAPPED BEHIND THEM FOR SO
LONG THEY BEGIN TO SYMBOLIZE THE
FOUR HORSE BROS OF THE
APOCALYPSE TO ME.
THEY WERE SO UNLIKE ME.
FOUR LOUD WHITE GUYS, TALL,
CONVENTIONAL, GOOD LOOKING.
I THOUGHT HOW DO YOU KNOW
THEY'RE IN FINANCE?
ONE SAID MONEY MAKES MY BLOOD
MOVE!
PROBABLY NOT A NONPROFIT GUY.
I WAS TRYING TO GET AROUND THEM
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY
THIS, THEY WERE MOVING AT THE
THE SPEED OF PRIVILEGE, YOU
KNOW?
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
AND THAT IS JUST TO SAY THEY
WERE NOT CREATING ANY GAPS FOR
ANYONE TO JOIN THEM OR EVENTS
PAST THEM.
( APPLAUSE )
>> YES!
I KNOW.
SO SOMETIMES IT'S LIKE IS IT A
JOKE, A THINK PIECE?
BUT I SMILED.
THEY WERE TRYING TO THINK OF
PLACES TO GO TO HAPPY HOUR,
STOPPING AT THE BAR.
I WAS GOING TO THERAPY, TRYING
TO GO TO SAD HOUR.
NO WAY TO BRIDGE THE DIVIDE.
FINALLY, THEY WENT INTO A BAR
CALLED THE CHADWICK.
I THOUGHT, THAT'S A LITTLE ON
THE NOSE, DON'T YOU THINK,
FELLAS?
IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE AND
CALLED THE THIRSTY BOAT SHOE!
STILL WASN'T A GREAT LOOK.
YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
>> JAMES: APARNA NANCHERLA,
EVERYONE!
AMAZING!
CHECK OUT "THE STANDUPS" ON
NETFLIX NOW!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
