Welcome back!
Ah, you couldn't get
enough of me, could ya?
Seems odd.
I'm not a hard habit to break.
I could give you the phone
number of several women
who quit me cold-turkey.
But a lot of people
do struggle with addiction,
and often they're blamed
for their own problem.
It's a tricky balance
between addiction
and personal responsibility.
We can't simply ban
anything potentially addictive.
After all, cellphones,
sugar, prostitution
will always be legal.
And it's impossible
to get rid of illegal drugs.
Wait. What? Prostitu--
Man:
The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency
has an efficiency rate
of less than 1%
when it comes to stopping
the flow of drugs into the U.S.
A perfect example of this
is crystal meth.
The U.S. government
tried to stop its production
by strictly regulating the sale
of chemicals used
to manufacture the drug.
But the supply of meth
still stayed the same.
Mexican drug cartels
immediately took over.
No! No, not the cartels!
It's important to buy local!
That's why I get all
my crystal meth off Etsy.
And after the meth
ate my original teeth,
I was able to replace them
using local artists.
What about drug dealers?
Are they to blame
for creating addicts?
Some states
have considered bills
that charge dealers with murders
in overdose cases.
But that doesn't seem right.
If a dealer
can be guilty of murder,
aren't they also responsible
for the good things
that happen on drugs?
Like, whoever sold the Beatles
LSD should be getting royalties
for "Lucy in the Sky
with Diamonds."
[ Cheers and applause ]
And whoever sold whippits
to Hoobastank
should be getting
the death penalty.
And what about people who don't
develop harmful addictions?
Shouldn't we get some credit for
being responsible drug users?
Simply taking a drug
doesn't mean you'll be addicted.
Some people are able to
handle themselves just fine.
In Vietnam,
20% of all American troops
were using loads of heroin.
Now, those soldiers
who were using loads of heroin
were followed home.
It turns out
they didn't go to rehab,
they didn't go into withdrawal.
95% of them just stopped.
I hate bad stand-up.
Of course, they got off heroin!
All their connections
were in Southeast Asia!
Back home,
it was harder to find!
They didn't even have
taco trucks in Cedar Rapids
until the late '70s,
so I'm guessing black tar heroin
was a tough get!
[ Cheers and applause ]
We usually try to keep people
from becoming addicted to drugs
by imposing strict laws
and harsh punishments.
But the truth is
people do better
when they're allowed to be
responsible for themselves.
Man: Portugal became
the first country in the world
to decriminalize all drugs.
Users aren't considered
as criminals
but rather treated as patients
in a health-first approach.
Those using heroin has fallen
from about 100,000
to around 50,000 today.
Way to go, Portugal.
Or, as I call you,
the New Zealand of Spain.
There's always a risk involved
in anything
potentially addictive,
and the person
who chooses to indulge
always bears
some responsibility.
But instead of casting blame,
the right way
to fight a drug crisis
is by empowering people
to help themselves,
by giving them access
to affordable rehabilitation
and social services
that won't land them in --
[Chuckling] I couldn't even --
I couldn't even get through it.
That'll never happen in America.
We need new ideas.
If gamification is a way to make
unfun things seem more fun,
then maybe we need
to ungamify drugs
so they seem less fun.
Make them harder
and more annoying to do.
This Will Work. Fact!
[ Laughter ]
For instance, you want ecstasy?
No problem.
You just have to get it
from the DMV.
"Oh, oh, you want to experience
total bliss, do ya?
Sorry. That's Form 545-B.
This is the line for Form 545-D.
Also, we're closed.
Come back tomorrow
when we're fully booked."
Or maybe you're
addicted to sugar.
You can still eat
all the doughnuts you want,
but like other drugs,
they'll be cut with impure
things you don't want --
like broccoli and glass.
[ Laughter ]
But I'll tell you how
we really end drug addiction.
We get rid of the one thing
they all have in common --
plastic.
Plastic! Think about it!
No more Ziploc baggies
to sell drugs in.
One-inch baggies are only good
for two things --
cocaine and packing
a school lunch for a mouse.
And if you're packing
a mouse lunch,
you're probably doing cocaine.
Plastic! I tells ya!
No more straws for snorting
or credit cards
for cutting lines.
They're all gone!
You can't cut coke
with Apple Pay.
Plastic is the problem.
Plastic syringes, Bic lighters,
red Solo cups.
Now you students will be forced
to clean that one mug you have.
And without condoms
and balloons,
there'll be no more smuggling.
Try smuggling a coke rock
up your ass
wrapped in a bit of tinfoil.
Not now. Wait until
"The Daily Show" is on.
I...
I find my asshole
relaxes and opens up
whilst watching Trevor Noah.
So no more plastic.
It's good for you.
It's good for the environment.
This Will Work. Fact!
