it’s fucking september 29th , 2018, i’m in the city centre..
yesterday judging by a photo she'd uploaded i assumed that dasha is here,
in saint-petersburg.. i got off at mayakovskaya,
im going to walk up and down nevskiy..
fuck, how badly i suffered in the metro now,
i moaned.. there are so much girls here.. all the people here are busy,
they all seem to know what they are living for..
i alone am like a freak, an invalid,
have lost all my money and am still living without reason, stupidly..
i’ve never needed to live in this fucking city..
it’s of course too little chance that i’m going to find dasha..
much too little.. since i saw her only a few times during 3 months
even in saratov, a city with 700k population.. and here are 5 millions..
i can’t make out any faces of the people on the other side there..
can’t see anybody.. dammit how many couples are here now,
it’s saturday, everybody’s out walking, a rare sunny day..
i’ve remembered the time when i earned money, a sunny day like this
and i would think then that i was getting closer to making
my dreams true, to moving to scotland.. fuck..
i think she’s going to walk on this dark side of the street..
since she always wears sunglasses and all.. there is too much sun
over there, so i think she’s going to walk here..
fuck, how much money i used to earn here, i thought that that
was leading me to something, some happy outcome.. fuck, fuck..
it’s not as much about not having a girlfriend that i’m being so angy,
although i want to fuck bad as fuck, yesterday i masturbated 4 times,
as about the fact that nothing has worked out in my life..
while they all, look at them, they don’t look as if their life is
such crap.. fuck.. they don’t have as great ambitions as i do..
they didn’t want to achieve anything great, they’ve never struggled
for anything the way i did, i am fucking unique..
fuck fuck..
what the hell is all this for? when i dont have dasha..
make friends? fuck..
i’ve begun to growl like a beast.. like that..
because nothing makes sense any more, this is the end..
how many girls are here, how many girls.. fuck..
i found one porn vid yesterday.. it is something..
girl gets pegged with a dildo, slowly.. she is just awesome..
damn, it’s all too bad, too fucking bad..
my youth is passing.. i've never had anything i dreamed of..
my mood is already ruined.. completely.. it’s a usual thing with me..
one hour, at most, of enthusiasm passes and then i’ll loose it
and all my mood is ruined..
i’ll maybe take a leak now.. somewhere in those bushes..
'cause the road is unpassable now anyway and she must be wating,
somewhere there, if she is going this way..  and where is she now?
wow, there must be a crowd of people collecting somewhere there
waiting for the damn bikers to pass.. i'll stand by the crowd
and check them one by one for dasha among them..
but first i have to take a leak..
i’m going to do it somewhere over there.. or there..
in short, i’ve been everywhere.. i’m frozen to the bone..
i came out at mayakovskaya at 3pm.. stood on the watch
at gostinny dvor till 6.. then i went to the sqaure now..
and now i’m going back to gostinny and down to the metro
and go fucking home.. 50 rubles for metro..
100 rubles are spent for nothing today.. fuck..
motherfuckers..
they’re all bastards and motherfuckers here..
fuck, fuck..
i’ll turn off the camera for i must be on the alert now..
fuck.. i've decided i should stay and walk a bit longer..
im frozen as fuck, but maybe i will find her yet..
and yet it looks like im not going to find anybody..
all this is for children and chinese people.. no..
all these matryoshkas and all, why should she be interested in this?
most unlikely.. no, she’s the sort who go to bars and all that..
fuck fuck fuck.. it's too fucking bad
i even don’t want to get in anywhere warm any more..
i only want to be with a girl now..
i don’t want to eat any more, nothing..
all i want is to be with a girl.. even just walk with her side by side..
like that couple..
and not like that couple alone, but like many people here..
i can’t see any dasha.. nobody..
i’m wandering up and down nevsky, all these promoters are
accosting me now and then.. all these working teenagers..
fuck, what a girl.. she wears a kind of
old traditional russian gown or something..
except that the old gown is new.. such a stylish pretty little girl.. fuck
[girls]
it’s all too fucking bad..
fuck.. i don’t want to sing any songs about fucking any more..
all i want now is just to ....
.. i’ve missed out on all my youth..
fuck how badly i want her.. her when she was 22.. fuck, fuck..
here she is.. no, she’s already 23 in this photo..
this one is she at 22.. yes.. fuck, fuck, fuck..
[the frigid freya stein is at it again]
[girls laughing in one of the next flats]
girls..
[purple_bitch with her coworkers are working]
shit, this one is pretty..
the previous one, i cannot make out her face because of her makeup,
but this one is very pretty, her smile is pretty..
fuck.. i can’t do anything.. i dont understand fucking english..
i have no improvement at all.. im forgetting russian..
and not learning any english..
i don't fucking understand..
how im sick of this fucking milton.. ive been reading the fucker
for more than 2 months now.. this fucking...
it doesn't seem to have an end..
i hate fucking philosophy..
it’s just that it’s a fucking must-read, that’s why im reading it..
when everyone’s having sex now.. ive got to read
this fucking milton gnilton..
dashka keeps blocking me..
[nancy a gets her slit lesbian-licked. seen in profile]
fuck.. what a beauty.. fucking bitch..
[for a video dating ad]
..i demand that you, fucking bitch, let me fuck you..
do i not speak fucking plain enough?
i want to fucking lick a fucking model girl’s fucking cunt,
and fucking right now..
fuck.. i don’t understand this fucking arthuriana crap that im reading..
i've been listening to the audiobook for 2 hours now...
ive only managed 5 minutes of it.. the headache is killing me..
i dont understand the simplest sentences.. is this a mental illness?
that’s a situation, im having difficulty understanding the crap im reading..
and my whole well being depends on my understanding
of all these damned books..
what does that have to do with mental illnesses?
idiots.. motherfuckers.. fuck..
headache is killing me.. fuck..
it feels as if the brain is swollen.. how can one fucking live like this?
let alone read anything.. it’s only the beginning of the night now,
i’ve just woken up.. what shall i be doing all this night?
when this happens it’s the worst thing of all.. especially when you’ve got to
go to the grocery today for fucking chickens and then cook them, dammit..
i’m composing a message for polina1..
[blocked again]
i can’t bear this..
how badly i want to go back in time 5 years and be friends with her then..
fuck.. it’s 7:50, i’ve been trying to get this fucking sentence since 6:30..
this one..
fuck.. fuck..
fuck..
this one..
this one now i understand, but the previous fucker no way..
fuck, 1hour and a half has passed, dammit..
...these are my dating ads..
[note: the address vk.com/dalamnesuka is no longer mine]
these are examples of girls i like..
especially i love this one..
i guess she’s got a hawknose..
but looking at her this way she looks all right..
and this one, i was already masturbating to her
as early as 12 years ago.. yes, i did..
fuck.. 10th of december.. i’m looking at the girls
who are subscribed to this group i just discovered..
fuck.. i dont have any acquaintances, nobody at all
who might have informed me of there existing this group..
dashka -- she is subscribed to this group --
she would not talk about english with me..
i'm always on my own, always the last one to discover new things..
only when everybody else has already known about them for a long time..
i fucking hate it, i’ll fucking ..... fuck..
here another girl from that group.. private page, closed..
...ive been looking at this guy’s photos..
he is this fucking successful type of people,
he speaks english, studies old english and all that..
...i wish i could finish the fucking reading sooner..
then record my songs and then write the autobiography
and then it will be the end..
got blocked everywhere..
have a fever now.. i should have gone out on business today..
look at him, another fucking super teacher of english..
‘institute of translation’ in his education info..
motherfucker..
english teacher, he is from the group..
while i am a neet...
im remembering now the time when i was buying that flat,
the manager in their office went:
‘you’re such a clever young man.
are you studying here in saint petersburg?’..
one more girl..
yeah, im studying..
look, every girl in this group is from saint petersburg..
everyone’s page is private, everyone has a boyfriend,
everyone’s youth has already passed..
and im still here with all these imbeciles..
take these for instance, i always have one unread message here,
it’s from the chat where that guy lucifer invited me..
they constantly talk in it about fucking aria, russian band,
about various russian freaks..
just look, some fucking ’black smith’..
what the fuck? what the fuck am i doing here?
what the.. fuck it, i’m going to leave this fucking chat..
to hell with it.. i didn’t want to leave it, because he is online now,
maybe he would be useful to me, i thought.. but fuck it,
i’m not going to see it any more, look at any fucking flush toilets..
when everyone else is...
in england.. or at least speaks english
as well as C2 level.. while i still spell it ‘tze’ 2, instead of..
i even don’t know how it should be spelt.. ‘es’.. or ‘se’, dammit..
im fucking sick of this all..
i’m so fucking sick of this all..
‘...high damageability of rectal mucosa increases the risk of
contracting diseases during anal sex..
active and passive partners often swap their roles..
normally, the anal passage is shut..’..
fuck, i cant stand it when they check blood pressure..
this.. i cant stand this..
i cant stand anything that has to do with blood..
‘..involuntary frictions may be observed, as well as erection,
ejaculation.. breathing and heart rates increase..’..
breathing too i cannot stand.. breathing and heartbeating..
i hate such things..  what the hell am i watching at all?
i thought that was a woman’s arse..
it’s just that ive come across one girl’s page..
metalhead girl, dammit..
she’s into all that forensic stuff..
i’m doing anything now , anything except reading..
the only thing i really need is to read books, and that’s
exactly what i cannot do.. because i have no fucking
in my life.. i’ve got no fucking girlfriend, like this one,
lying on the bed behind me wating for me to fuck her..
i can’t fucking concentrate.. im reading aeneid now..
i’ve read only 25 minutes of it in two days..
fuck, i dont listen at all..
i’ve had no youth, no fucking, never looked at a girl of my age in the reality..
nor dashka will fucking answer my messages... fuck..
fuck...fuck..
fuck..
15 minutes have passed..
i havent read a single line in 15 minutes, dammit..
december 21th, im walking up and down here, listeing to
this fucking crap, cant listen to more than 2 hours a day..
im always thinking of dashka..
now of dashka, now of fuckashka..
now about the fact that my youth has fucking ended..
im raging like a lion caged..
today she, i assume, is going to some party.. she had on her page
a post announcing some party.. she’s made her instagram private --
she must be going to upload stories –
so that nobody might see them..
while im walking here up and down..
i’ve been walking around my room for 3 months now, like this..
listening to all these fucking audiobooks, all of which someone else
could have read in two weeks, whereas i’ve been listening to them for 2 months..
because i cannot concentrate on them..
fuck... new year.. fuck...
look, there's a ‘friends’ hostel here..
dashka stayed in one of these hostels, as far as i can remember..
fuck.. fuck. etc...
mothefucekrs..
fuck, shit, etc..
look how many young people are here..
who are no 25 year-olds by the looks of them..
motherfuckers.. fuck..
it’s all too fucking bad.. fuck..
just look.. fuck.. motherfuckers.. fuck.. fucker..
fuck.. motherfuckers..
you motherfucker.. fuck..
motherfucker.. bastard.. fucking scum, etc
fuck, fucking teenagers.. fuck..
look, a young little one.. she’s got all the 20 next years to live yet..
and i have fucking lost everything.. fuck.. fuck.. fuck..
‘buddy’s looking for a girlfriend’..
dammit, that fuck can log in any moment now, the owner of the page..
and i’ll be logged out..
i’m wating fo this fucking chat to be created but it just won’t..
i’ve pm’d some fucking anasatasias here.. they won’t fucking answer..
one replied in a fucking ironical manner..
and the others just won’t do anything..
these are not reading my messages even.. fuck..
dammit! motherfucker has logged in and i’m out..
but i had cunningly put my ad on his page as a postponed post for tomorrow..
motherfucker.. look: ‘soviet motorcycles’ group..
the guy is 17 yo and his interests are soviet motorcycles..
at my 17 i used to fucking masturbate to.. rectums turned inside out..
and the guy is into some stupid german mercedeses..
fucking imbecile.. ive lost a profile..
i’ve lost 15 rubles.. dammit.. took me only one song to loose them..
i fucking cant concentrate on reading.. i cant stop thinking of girls..
fuck..
im reading all sorts of crap instead of what i should really be reading..
recently i joined the group where they post photos of dead girls..
and there was a link to this large site with gore photos..
i began to look at all that stuff, learned about this snake lover
who commited suicide by a snake bite.. motherfucker..
i’ve failed to go to sleep..
failed to sleep, failed to bring myself to read that fucking divine comedy..
even the inferno part of it..
fucking dropped reading it, i dont want to read all that crap..
me to read all that crap when i want to write my own?
but ive nothing to write about.. i lay over here..
i had smoked the second cigarette this day, lay on the bed..
i’d taken these damned notes with me to the bed..
the notes in which i’d been writing down for two years various curious
and poetical phrases from the fucking books i read..
i thought i would begin to use and practice all that now by
composing my own.. i thought i would come up with a plot and
begin to elaborate it.. my fucking meal is burning..
im sick of this all.. it’s all very fucking bad..
so, i lay on the bed..
very well did i come up with a plot, yeah..
i then got up to take.. the .. a.. eh..
fuck, i’ve forgotten how to speak.. but what can i do?
after all i am not this guy asrlan.. arslan.. unlike him, i dont
speak to anybody at all to keep my speaking ability in form..
so what was i saying.. stephen fry, yes, stephen fry..
there is a book of his ‘how to become a poet’ or something
like that, how to write poetry.. i thought i had it on my
electronic book, but it turned out i didn’t and so i got up
to the computer.. i turned it on, and instead of any
stephen fry i began to look at dead girls and then i got
to this site.. and so for half this night ive been watching
all that stuff, various decapitations,
elephants trampling on people and all that..
and also read about this arslan..
black mamba, tarantino and all that.. asrlan..
skilled, quite skilled he is at breeding snakes, i envy him that all right..
i once watched some of his videos, when i had a brief
interest in snakes.. so he is skilled at breeding snakes..
i envy him that very fucking much..
while i am nobody, a fucking neet..
when i lay on the bed now
i said to myself ‘i am nothing’..
i can even show how it was,
i lay this way, except that i had that jumper on me..
so i lie here and speak ‘i am nothing.. goddamit’..
except that my face was really sour..
while arslran is skilled, very skilled.. he is a professional,
received a university education in herpetology,
as far as i learned..
while i am nobody.. im skilled at fucking nothing..
i’ve studied english to no avail for 3, nay, for 4 years..
im unable to say anything except that ‘im nothing’..
i am nobody... it’s all too fucking bad.. i havent managed
to read the divine comedy till the new year, no, i haven’t..
nor am i going to.. no, im not going to..
for there is no sense in doing all that crap.. fuck..
damn, how well everything has worked out for him,
he was a snake lover and so he died by a snake..
and what am i ? i am nothing..
guitars only, i’ve got guitars only..
what, die by a guitar? kill myself with a guitar? goddammit..
it’s all too fucking bad..
i haven’t even read shakespeare this year.. haven’t had time..
i’ve read paradise lost, war and peace, iliad, odyssey,
and something else.. about king arthur..
the death of the king, by thomas malory..
and also that poem about arthur too,
i dont even know how it’s called..
also ive read beowulf..
and yet i still can’t speak a simplest phrase in english properly,
nor write.. it’s all too fucking bad..
fuck i can’t bear watching this.. fuck..
fuck.. look at them, everyone wears a watch,
and some fucking ring as well..
they are all normal people,
while i alone am a fucking freak..
fuck..
i’m waiting for the fucking virtual phone number to be created..
so i may create a new page from which to message dashka..
been wating for one hour..
ive been thinking about recording a new song..
but i cant compose any fucking lyrics for it..
ive got some lines.. they are the first ones, the intro..
my ideas for the first lines are always the same for all my songs..
it’s usually ‘it’s snowing outside,
who the fuck is going to like that?
i’m so lonely..’ etcetera..
nobody, even i dont want that sort of lyrics any more..
but i dont know what else to sing about..
the song would be cool, however..
again no sms..
fuck, i havent managed to get skilled at guitar playing
in 12 years.. and i have nothing to sing about..
and even if there is, for instance, an idea in my head
for the first line, i don’t know how to say it in english
anyway.. nor do i know what i really want to say..
this’s all too fucking bad..
my life is ruined because of this problem..
i wonder if there is someone in the world
whose life is ruined because of this sort of problem..
in fact, im trying to find such a person all the time..
someone has pm’d me..
let’s see..
no wonder, what else should they be capable of saying?
‘LOL’..
fucking imbeciles..
sex is everywhere, at every fucking corner..
fuck..
every girl my age looks already like a fucking 40-year-old..
fuck..
