>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY!
JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"
RIGHT THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: NICE T TO BE BACK.
IT'S NICE TO BE BACK, JON.
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> Jon: YEAH, IT'S GOOD TO SEE
YOU.
>> Stephen: I'M VERY EXCITED
ABOUT MISS JENNIFER HUDSON
COMING UP IN A LITTLE WHILE.
>> Jon: SHE'S INCREDIBLE.
>> Stephen: VOICE OF AN ANGEL.
ONCE IN A LIFETIME TALENT.
>> Jon: SUPER SOULFUL.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TO
BE OUTCOMPLIMENTED BY YOU.
>> Jon: OH, I DIDN'T KNOW IT
WAS A CONTEST.
>> Stephen: SHE'S
ULTRA-TREMENDOUS.
>> Jon: YES, SHE'S
ULTRA-TREMENDOUS.
>> Stephen: SHE'S ALSO TIMES
INFINITY TREMENDOUS, JOHN.
I'M THE HOST.
I WON.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.
THAT'S HOW FRAGILE MY EGO IS.
( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU FOR APPLAUDING MY
FRAGILE EGO.
THERE WAS SOME SURPRISING NEWS
THIS WEEK ABOUT INFO-WARS
FOUNDER AND CUSTOMER MAKING THE
WAITRESS CRY ALEX JONES.
THE INSANE RADIO HOST IS IN A
CUSTODY BATTLE RIGHT NOW, AND,
SO, HE'S TRYING TO PROVE THAT
HE'S STABLE ENOUGH TO CARE FOR
CHILDREN.
UNFORTUNATELY, HE WORKS IN FRONT
OF A CAMERA.
>> I'M A PIONEER!
I'M AN EXPLORER!
I'M A HUMAN, AND I'M COMING!
I'M ANIMATED, I'M ALIVE, MY
HEART'S BIG!
IT'S GOT HOT BLOOD, GOING
THROUGH IT FAST.
I LIKE TO FIGHT TOO!
I LIKE TO EAT!
I LIKE TO HAVE CHILDREN!
>> STEPHEN: I'M GOING TO SAY
THAT MIGHT BE GROUNDS FOR YOU
NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN.
( LAUGHTER )
CLIPS LIKE THAT MAKE ALEX JONES
SEEM LESS LIKE A FIT PARENT AND
MORE LIKE A COKED-OUT FOOTBALL
COACH IN A POLICE STANDOFF.
( LAUGHTER )
WE WERE GOING TO STATE!
WE WERE GOING TO STATE!
SIR, GET OFF THE SCOREBOARD!
WE WERE GOING TO STATE!
( LAUGHTER )
JUST MY HIGH SCHOOL?
>> Jon: THAT WAS GOOD!
THAT BOY'S GOOD!
THAT BOY'S GOOD!
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BUT IN A DRAMATIC
TWIST, NOW, HIS
LAWYER IS ARGUING THAT ALEX
JONES IS PLAYING A CHARACTER AND
"HE IS A PERFORMANCE
ARTIST."
I'M NOT SURE IF THAT HELPS.
( LAUGHTER )
DO WE REALLY WANT CHILDREN TO BE
RAISED BY PERFORMANCE ARTISTS?
"NO DESSERT UNTIL YOU FINISH
EATING YOUR FLAG!"
( LAUGHTER )
THEN TELL ME WHAT IT MEANT.
OF COURSE, NOT EVERYONE REALIZES
HE'S PLAYING A CHARACTER.
LIKE THE MOST FAMOUS ALEX JONES
SUPPORTER: DONALD TRUMP, WHO
APPEARED ON HIS SHOW DURING THE
ELECTION.
>> YOUR REPUTATION'S AMAZING.
I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN.
YOU WILL BE VERY, VERY IMPRESSED
I HOPE.
AND I THINK WE'LL BE SPEAKING A
LOT.
BUT YOU'LL BE -- YOU'LL BE
LOOKING AT ME IN A YEAR, IN A
YEAR, IN TWO YEARS, SO LET'S
GIVE A LITTLE BIT OF TIME TO RUN
THINGS.
BUT A YEAR INTO OFFICE YOU'LL BE
SAYING, WOW.
>> STEPHEN: PRESIDENT, WE'VE
BEEN SAYING "WOW" SINCE DAY ONE.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
IF ALEX JONES IS A CHARACTER,
THEN PRESIDENT TRUMP GOT FISHED.
HARD.
( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN GEORGE
H.W. BUSH GAVE THE PRESIDENTIAL
MEDAL OF FREEDOM TO ROBOCOP.
BUT I FEEL FOR ALEX JONES.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT, FOR MANY
YEARS, I PLAYED A SI TIRRICLE
RIGHT-WING CHARACTER.
THIS HAPPENED TO ME ALL THE TIME
WHEN I PLAYED MY RIGHT-WING
CHARACTER, TALK RADIO HOST TUCK
BUCKFORD.
I THINK WE HAVE A CLIP.
JIM?
>> WELCOME BACK TO BRAINFIGHT
( LAUGHTER )
LISTEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LISTEN, PEOPLE!
THE LIBERALS WANT TO TATTOO
OBAMA LOGOS ONTO THE SKIN OF
CHRISTIAN BABIES!
OKAY?
AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO FIGHT!
FIGHT WITH MY FISTS!
MY BLOOD IS ON FIRE!
MY HEART IS A VOLCANO.
IT'S TIME TO THROW A VIRGIN IN
IT!
I'M A SKELETON WRAPPED IN ANGRY
MEAT!
I'M A WARRIOR!
I'M A KING!
ONE THING I'M NOT IS A
PERFORMANCE ARTIST!
I HATE ARTISTS BECAUSE ANDY
WARHOL PUT CHEMICALS IN
CAMPBELL'S SOUP TO TURN
VETERANS INTO BISEXUAL ZOMBIES!
NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR:
SELF-LUBRICATING CATHETERS!
BUY MY VITAMINS!
( BAND PLAYING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: WOW, I WAS SO YOUNG
BACK THEN.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
JENNIFER HUDSON.
