A long long time ago there was nothing.
Then there was the Earth.
And the gods said – it is good.
Actually they weren’t gods,
they were just a super advanced civilization
called the Isu.
They had dope cities and technology and were
generally super smart.
But they were also kind of assholes.
So they decided: you know what would be an
amazing addition to our super-advanced civilization?
Slavery!
So they created humans, and also created those
powerful artifacts called the Pieces of Eden
to mind-control them.
And everyone was happy.
Well, except for some humans who were actually
human-isu hybrids, and were immune to mind
control
- Let’s steal the Apple of Eden – said
Eve.
- Okay – said Adam.
And they did.
That’s when the war started!
- Hey, Guys?
– Said Minerva, Juno and Jupiter, who were
Isu scientists, who found out that a solar
event which would destroy most life on Earth
was about to happen.
- Not now, we’re fighting a war – said
everyone else
- Guys, this is important – Said the scientists.
- Seriously, it has to wait until we’re
done with the war! – said everyone else.
- Well I guess we’ll die – said the scientists.
And they did.
But not before Juno implanted some people
with her dead boyfriend’s DNA,
and hijacked the world-saving machine to make
everyone her mind controlled slave if it’s
ever turned on.
That was a bit of a dick move.
The other scientists though so too, and they
locked her in a basement forever before they
died.
So now most of Isu are dead, and most of humans
are also dead, but like 10 thousand are left,
and they start repopulating the Earth.
Fast forward to historical era.
Humans have forgotten who the Isu were, and
they now worship them as gods.
Then some people find some old Isu artifacts.
- Hey, let’s use them to bring peace to
humanity!
- That’s a cool idea.
- By using their mind control powers to enslave
other humans!
- Wait what?
So the guys who wanted to enslave everyone
else became the Templar Order, and the guys
who didn’t want them to enslave everyone
else became the Assassin Brotherhood.
Well, they were called some other names at
that point, but the game is called Assassin’s
Creed, not Medjay and the Hidden Ones’ Creed,
so who cares.
So a couple thousand years passed, and in
the meantime the templars and the assassins
are at each other’s throats like all the
time.
They fight over some Isu artifacts in Ancient
Greece, and then in Ancient Egypt.
Turns out that Xerxes and Cleopatra’s younger
brother were buddies with the Templars, so
the Assassins killed them.
Because killing people is kind of their thing.
Who would have guessed.
Anyway, fast forward again – it’s the
third crusade!
Now the Templars are actually called the Templars,
and they’re messing things up in the middle
east.
Turns out they infiltrate the Assassin Brotherhood,
but this guy, Altair, manages to kill the
boss of the Assassins who is secretly a Templar,
then steals his Apple of Eden and locks himself
with it in a basement or something.
Then, like three hundred years later,
this guy called Ezio becomes an Assassin and
fights against the Pope who is also a Templar.
He also steals some Isu junk and makes the
Assassin Order great again.
Hey so remember Minerva?
She’s one of the nice Isu scientists who
tried to save everyone but then didn’t.
Ezio finds her in a basement and she tells
him all the Isu stuff we told you about in
the beginning.
She also tells him that another solar event
is going to happen and kill everyone – but
that will happen in XXI century and Ezio will
be dead by then, so whatever.
In the colonial era, this pirate guy called
Edward Kenway accidentally becomes an Assassin.
It’s a really cool coincidence, because
guess what, he’s the descendant of Ezio
and Altair!
He finds out about an Isu observatory which
allows to track down anyone in the world if
you have their blood – but first you also
need the blood of a Sage.
So Edward finds a Sage called Bart and they
become best friends.
Turns out that the Sages are actually people
who have Juno’s dead boyfriend’s DNA and
memories.
So Bart betrays Edward and then gets killed
in a revenge plot.
Also, the observatory gets permanently locked.
So later on, during the American Revolution,
the templars and assassins have put the past
behind them and became allies who work together
towards a common goal.
Just kidding, they’re still fighting over
Isu junk.
To make it more dramatic, this one Assassin
dude, called Shay Patrick Cormack decides
that Assassins are the real assholes and joins
the Templars.
Guess who’s his boss?
It’s Edward’s son, Haytham.
But Haytham gets killed by his son, Connor,
who is an Assassin.
Just imagine what the Kenway family dinners
must be like.
Anyway, Connor ends up with the current hottest
piece of Isu junk, which is an amulet that
is also a key to turn on the world-saving
machine.
So I guess it was all worth it.
Meanwhile on the old continent, The French
Revolution is going on.
As you can expect by now, the Templars and
the Assassins are involved, but that’s not
all.
Remember Sage Bart?
He’s now reincarnated as Sage Frank, and
he tries to destroy humanity by inventing
capitalism or something like that.
He becomes the head of the Templars,
but some of them decide he’s too hardcore
for their liking.
So they briefly cooperate with the Assassins
to get him killed.
Oh, and there’s also a super romantic story
of forbidden love between an Assassin Arno
and a Templar’s daughter, Elise.
She gets killed as well, though.
Later on, in the Victorian Era, turns out
that London is basically run by the Templars.
But fortunately there are still some Assassins
left and they’re ready to assassinate some
dudes.
So one of the Assassins, Evie, finds Edward
Kenway’s treasure map and starts collecting
Isu junk
while her twin brother Jacob creates a youth
wing of the Assassin Brotherhood.
Anyway, the Frye twins end up finding the
Shroud of Eden and killing the head Templar.
But the Templars still have the majority of
Isu junk, and they use it to make all sorts
of cool technology.
They also now run a corporation called Abstergo
Industries.
Their most awesome invention is the Oculus,
I mean, the Animus – a machine that lets
you access your genetic memory and kind of
relive your ancestor’s life somehow.
Don’t think too hard about this.
So they kidnap this guy, Desmond, who is the
descendant of basically every Assassin ever
I guess, and make him play a VR game about
Altair, Ezio, and 60% of the Kenways.
He finds out about all the stuff we’ve told
you so far, and decides to stop the world
from ending in a Solar Event.
So he runs away from the Abstergo Industries,
finds all the necessary Isu Junk and opens
the Isu Temple created to save the world.
Then it turns out that this Temple is the
same Temple that Juno hacked to make it also
a mind-control device to let her control all
humans.
She was a bit of a dick, remember?
So Desmond meets holographic Minerva and holographic
Juno and has to decide if he wants to save
the human civilization but let them get mind-controlled
by Juno, or let the majority of humans die
and the handful that will survive rebuild
from scratch free of Juno’s control.
He chooses the first option, turns on the
machine, brings Juno back and also dies because
the machine kills whoever uses it.
But don’t worry, Juno also dies in a comicbook
so everything is cool in the end.
Except for the fact that Abstergo Industries
aka Templars are still trying to take over
humanity (this time by making video games,
it’s very tongue in the cheek really)
and the Assassins are trying to stop them,
but they probably won’t, because they would
have to stop making those games if they did.
THE END
