-What is this?
-Happy holidays, Dwight.
But do not open it
till Christmas.
-You're so pathetic.
How long did this take you
Three hours?
-Five minutes, actually.
I am a black belt
in gift wrapping.
-Yeah, no such thing.
They don't give out black belt
for things that are stupid
[ Scoffs ]
Well, I hope it was worth it
'cause I'm gonna take it apart
in about five minutes.
-I think it'll take you
a little bit longer than that.
-Really? If I can skin a mule
deer in less than 10 minutes
I ought to be able
to cut my way --
-Hey, it's snowing.
-Oh, my God, it's the first
snowfall of Christmas.
Is that just so magical for you,
little girl?
Can you not wait
to have a hot chocolate
and cuddle up with papa
and tell him about
all your Christmas dreams, hm?
It's not even real snow.
Look. It's dusting. Pitiful.
-Hey, Dwight.
-Oh!
[ Laughter ]
-Yes!
-Whoo!
-Damn it, Jim, you cannot
throw snowballs in here!
-Well, it's not a snowball
'cause it's only a dusting
right?
-Look at that.
There's a pebble in there.
You could have killed me.
-Oh, don't be such a baby.
-Yeah, who's the little girl
now?
-Then I challenge you
to a snowball fight
on the first real snow
of winter.
-You got it.
-That sounds awesome.
Can we all do it?
-No, Andy,
it's a snowball fight.
It's not fun.
Go get your own thing.
Jim. Jim.
What --
What th-- What's happening
-Oh, she's asleep.
-Oh, narcolepsy.
-Probably.
-Okay, now open your eyes
and describe it to me.
-I don't know.
It has four bedrooms and a loft.
-Oh, my God, now she's up.
-Yeah?
-And she's trying to describe
how to correctly
butcher a goose,
but she's having trouble
coming up with it.
-Okay, Cindy. Yo, Cindy, Cindy
Hold its neck back,
insert the knife
beneath the jaw,
bring it all the way around.
There's gonna be
a good amount of blood.
Don't let that bother you.
Have a bucket there
for the blood
and the innards
and the feathers.
[ Line rings ]
-You've reached the voicemail
of Dwight Kurt Schrute.
Please leave --
[ Cellphone beeps ]
-Raaah!
[ Screaming ]
-Stop. Stop!
Ahh!
-I have no feeling
in my fingers or penis,
but I think it was worth it.
Haa!
-Um, I was laying on the ground,
defenseless,
and he just kept throwing them
until he exhausted himself
And...
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Then "How about it icing it?
LOL. Dwight."
-I need to give you
your Christmas gift now
because --
Well, I'll just tell you.
-What?
-For the past few months,
I've been sending Dwight letters
from the CIA.
-Are you serious?
-They're considering him
for a top-secret mission.
-There's his application.
Oh, this is where
I made him list
every secret he promised
he'd never, ever tell.
-[ Chuckles ]
"Last year,
my boss, Michael Scott,
took a day off because
he said he had pneumonia,
but really he was leaving early
to go to magic camp."
Wow.
-So, here's the gift --
you get to decide what
his top-secret mission is.
Sorry I didn't wrap it.
-You both have sizable Christmas
bonuses coming your way.
If I catch either of you
messing with the other,
I will give both bonuses
to the other person.
-Can't do that.
-No, absolutely not.
-You need consequences, okay
I want you both
walking on eggshells.
-[ Chuckles ]
Ah.
I'm gonna...
Dwight really wants my bonus
He's trying to entrap me.
Oh, God, now I can't drink
at this thing.
I get really pranky
when I drink.
-[ Laughing maniacally ]
-Don't. Stop, Dwight.
Dwight, stop.
-Oh, no!
-Dwight, stop!
-Oh, no! Oh, no!
Yes, taste my wrath!
-Okay, okay, okay, seriously
Okay, okay.
-[ Laughs ]
Yes, I have a wig for ever
single person in the office.
You never know
when you're gonna need to
bear a passing resemblance
to someone.
-Sorry, I forgot to tell you -
I intercepted a transmission
earlier,
and it seems that the CIA
is gonna need Dwight
down at their headquarters
in Langley for training
and an ice-cream social
with the other agents.
-We should get him a bus ticket.
To make his trip easier.
-Oh, no, that would be
very patriotic.
[ Keyboard clacking ]
-It costs $75.
-Hm.
Well, maybe the CIA could
send a helicopter.
-[ Giggles ]
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
-What the...?
"You have been compromised
Abort mission. Destroy phone."
Destroy phone?
-Oh, Jim, hey.
-Hey, Toby.
-There's this female
stenographer at the courthouse
who looks exactly like you
-No way. That's incredible
-Yeah, no, it's uncanny.
-You know what's crazy?
I can't reconnect with you
right now.
Hold on one second.
[ Gasping ]
-Oh!
-You guys, this has to stop.
Someone could have
really gotten hurt.
-What if Meredith was taking her
smoking break below that window?
You know what would have
happened?
The shards of glass would have
shaved her face right off.
And yes,
it might have been funny,
but it also would have been
incredibly tragic.
-Yeah, I just got
my replacement credit card
You want the number?
Oh, it's 4793-0032-3313.
The security code is 927.
Okay, great.
Thank you very much. Bye.
So, Dwight did take the bait
He used my credit card numbers
to send a $200 bouquet
of flowers...
to my wife.
From me.
-[ Laughing hysterically ]
Boom!
[ Indistinct conversations ]
-"Hey, Pickles. Merry Christmas.
Open immediately.
Love, Swiss Cheese."
[ Laughter ]
Damn it, Dwight.
-Didn't think
your affectionate nickname
would be your undoing,
did you, Jim?
Let that be a lesson to you all.
-Oh, no.
[ Laughter ]
-Aah, I've been attacked!
Oh, my God! Ah! Someone put
a porcupine in my drawer.
-Oh, my God.
-Yeah.
I was just sitting here
at my desk,
and I reached into my drawer
to grab my toothbrush
and some tooth powder,
and all of a sudden,
I was attacked by this
bloodthirsty, rabid creature
-I wonder, in this office,
who has access to a porcupine?
-Or who in this office
knows that I have access
and is trying to set me up
-You know what, why don't
we just call animal control?
-You might want to run that by
Angela 'cause it's so cute
-No.
Porcupines don't have souls.
They're like dogs.
-Yes, I'm calling from
Dunder Mifflin.
We have a very rabid porcupine
in our office.
Someone should come pick it up
-Come down right away.
-I don't know. Let me ask.
Were you quilled?
-Yes, I was quilled.
-And what's its name?
-Henrietta.
-Oh.
-What?
All right, get her out of here
Dwight.
-I surrender.
-I do not accept your surrender.
There's only one way
that I would ever relent.
-Anything. You got it.
-You hit Pam in the face
with a snowball while I watch.
-You're a psychopath.
-I'll take that as a no.
-I'm sorry.
-Okay.
-By the way, I'm not gonna mes
with your and Dwight's bonuses
I think it's causing
more problems.
So just be yourselves, have fun,
and try not to let it
affect your work.
-All right.
I will definitely do that.
-All right. I'll tell Dwight
-You know what, you're sitting
and thinking.
And it's probably better
if it comes from me anyway
-[ Yawns ] Man.
I fell asleep, took a nap.
Hey, guys.
I feel refreshed now.
How's it going?
-Dwight.
-Took a little nap
right next to Jim's desk.
I feel so good right now.
Mmm, cookies.
What's everyone staring at
-Oh, man, I was supposed to
tell Dwight something.
Come on, Jim.
I got nothing.
Okay, this is it.
-What? What?
-Go!
-This is what?!
-Go! Go!
-Oh, my God!
-[ Grunting ]
-Honey.
Jim.
Jim.
-In the end,
the greatest snowball
isn't a snowball at all.
It's fear.
Merry Christmas.
