 
Following Moira:

A tale from the veil...

SUNSET FRAGMENT

By M.B. Sandford

Copyright © 2010 M.B. Sandford  
Smashwords Edition, 2013

All rights reserved.

Dedication:

This book is dedicated to you, for without your reception, it would be silent. You are irreplaceable.

TANGERINE

Raven went to see The National play at the Corner Hotel in Richmond with her beloved Vincent. He invited her out and they (maybe just her...?) were happily off their faces on Tequila and Red wine before they even got there. They were having fun in his Alma Road apartment, around the corner from where Raven grew up, so there was some nostalgia and geographic harmony going on within her person there, and the evening sky had darkened with summer rain.

He introduced her to 'Crazy in Love' the Magic Numbers version, and they explored art, astrology, insecurities, pantheism, and his kitchen for some food. Raven is always interested in what people keep in their cupboards. It must be an orange chakra thing. Finding cute handy packets of yoghurt covered fruit that you can take with you wherever you go and the kind of spreads that others like.

She had such a great time that night, they listened to The National in the car and Raven heard 'About Today' for the first time. Immediately, she was moved speechless (which is a good thing as she has discovered that the blue and orange chakras are related in the sense that they both provide creative outlets. She just happens to know that hers is all blue...) by the violin. She wondered if he would be there tonight...

If you recall that Vincent is made up of mostly water signs, well, water is the ruling element of the orange chakra...

But the crowd...

They hated her.

So she got in touch with that emotion a bit herself that night.

However she has learnt it is a transitory emotion and is most definitely, a sign that you have boundaries and someone is forcing their way across...

Can be said for both Raven and the strangers.

But we'll talk about them.

Raven and Vincent were standing someplace and a group of people muscled their way in front of them. Raven is sure that is what the invisible earth folk do, but 'She' was rude and 'He' was really tall.

Raven began a communication with him and the girl said something that Raven is glad she didn't hear.

Raven asked him if he had eye problems; because she always used to think that tall people should stand at the back, but then she realized, that maybe they couldn't see properly? He wasn't so unfriendly but was tied to the girl somewhat. So Vincent pulled Raven from disharmony's way and suggested they go back over to the platform where they had wanted to be in the first place. Raven ran into a friend that she went to see the (amazing!) Divinyls Ballarat show with in December. She said her exuberant hello's and they went over to the platform by the entrance.

It is true that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone and that experiencing the negative enhances the positive sometimes...

Raven was talking to Vincent about various friend things and she told him all about how flattering it felt when Solomon left for Africa - without a word - and then some guy, told her to Shhh! and said something smarmy about Africa. Raven is so used to not appearing in this dimension that she engaged in a little discussion with him, in an attempt to understand his position. She eventually came up with the thought; 'Hey Man-This isn't the Library you know...' It was he who was listening where he was not invited and the band had not even begun... She decided that she didn't like him but didn't need to care.

So the band played beautifully and they were so much stronger and raw live - people usually are - and the violinist was there. Oh! The Presence...

On the inconspicuous corner stage at the Corner, filled with beloved music like a holy grail, Raven could not help but dance. So glad that she wasn't squashed by strangers and that she had her freedom. She even raised 'our heavenly glasses to the heavens...'

She always carries a fan with her because she gets quite hot, especially when her inner fire is raised by the music...

So maybe her fanning was a little extravagant; she was fanning her self, and Vincent, who shimmied down below. The couple on right of the platform - the only body neighbours that she had - also became quite controlling of her life force.

The boyfriend of the girlfriend, who wasn't completely horrid or anything, tapped her and said 'Hey would you mind not waving that in her face?' But it wasn't a question, and it twinged right at the end.

'Of course' Raven replied, and she ebbed her arc.

But it was not so much what he said as it was her uncanny ability to read between the lines, and therefore knowing, that the girlfriend made him say it.

'God- say it yourself... (various insulting terminologies)'.

Not five minutes later, that 'some guy' down below started to grab at Raven's orange chakra like an invasive disease. She leant down to hear his urgent statement and he said

'Hey -I don't think she likes that being waved in her face.'

Not that Raven and the couple hadn't resolved it (as much as tense strangers can) minutes earlier, but if he was so intuitive, why could he not tell that Raven hated him and had no desire to speak with him for any reason?

So Raven complained to Vincent, who was already well aware of the disagreeable energy leak and said 'Don't worry -I'm about to kick him in the face in a minute.' And Raven understood, that yes, that is how people communicate sometimes. She almost felt compelled to kick him herself should he deliberately bother her once more. He orders without listening. Ears completely blocked by his own complaints.

Vincent came up and sided with her body protectively because she was starting to show signs of an oppressed friend. He succeeded in blocking the ethereal game of the antagonistic female and her pawns. Vincent explained the present scenario to her and said that the loser's friend was normal but one more dictation out of him and Vincent was going to lose it himself. He had been standing down there with him for the whole show so far. Even Raven's fire was starting to boil.

This broken tap then tried to continue annoying them, with his zombie hands even (I mean really...don't fucking touch me!), Vincent had taken the fan from Raven and closed it into the shape of a delicate weapon and slapped him hard enough on his assaulting wrists. Instructing him definitely; to turn around.

His gentle friend assisted in containing the unstable and flailing form and as such, avoided any further physical communication. His friend was probably much more psychic than he who claimed he was.

Vincent then continued to fan Raven and himself with the cleansing and refreshing man-made breeze.

Raven Loved that fan because Chrissy Amphlett had plucked it from her herself and used it at the Geelong show.

Chrissy blessed it; people took photos and Raven's fan was famous. Chrissy gave it back to Raven when she was done (Later after the show, Chrissy wrote some lyrics on Ferrari's shoulder in Olive's Revlon eyeliner. It stays for twenty hours. The next day Ferrari had it tattooed her body forever).

Raven felt she was starting to visit with her orange chakra more than she ever had in her life.

But the show was really great.

And then they went home, finished the Tequila and watched 'Gypsy83'. It's about the 'Night of a Thousand Stevies'...

In my research to validate my existence, and following what I call "The White Rabbit" or, Moira's pet, I happened upon a poignant quote from the beloved Osho. Osho, to whom I was first introduced to by Solomon's brother when we inhabited the same warren. I think you will like it...

"If people can dance a little more, sing a little more, be a little more crazy, their energy will be flowing more, and their problems will by and by disappear. Hence I insist so much on dance. Dance to orgasm; let the whole energy become dance, and suddenly you will see that you don't have any head -- the stuck energy in the head is moving all around, creating beautiful patterns, pictures, movement. When you dance there comes a moment when your boundary is no longer so clear; you melt and merge with the cosmos, the boundaries are mixing."

Osho, excerpted from Ancient Music in the Pines, chapter 2

...and I have felt no head.

There is hope for my realness yet. Is it possible that I could find everywhere?

Speaking of...Andrea Grant. She is the source of my current magnetic stimulation. I happened upon her, following the so called white rabbit.

I arrived at a website called spaceandmotion.com, which pleased me greatly by offering a unified theory of existence and exploring my favourite topic – evolution. I was filled with hope for our collective future.

I was most intrigued by the evolution of sex \- as I'm sure you would imagine. One of its creators led me to Myspace, which is, as you know, one of my favourite hangouts. And there, powerfully posed in her top friends, was 'Love at first sight'. Andrea Grant. The Pin-up Poet or She-Hulk AKA Minx.

The Moira I found there made me dizzy with excitement and anticipation. She is the reflection I could only wish to see in this universal arc, the Amazon Queen of my dreams (well - aside from Wonder Woman. Which is a great show by the way. Diana the Lunar goddess; and Princess was just too obvious. A Priestess; the voice of Mother Nature... in satin tights. She is the best superhero ever. She is natural, humble, and empowered.

I had a strange memory recently, involving my early Love of Wonder Woman, whereby after an episode I was so empowered that I walked to the balcony while my mother unsuspectingly ironed, and I looked over the edge, surveying the ground below for a place to land. I saw a satisfactory tree and I climbed up and embraced the world about me. Just as I was about to leap powerfully into the great beyond, my mother's arms grabbed me around my waist and pulled me back. I remember feeling the vibration of her fear and shock. The motivations of an infant...

Mother and I weren't speaking at that time. It may have been during my vow of silence after parting with my first soul mate. Dad.

I am still convinced that I would have leapt safely down, but ever since, have been afraid to try.

Too much magnetic Moira to mention, but Andrea Grant is part Native American and is also Canadian.

I had 'About Today' by The National playing on my page and they were listed as her first favourite band. The music on her page was a spoken word poem of hers about Isis awakening her third eye to Love, and it was spoken over the remarkable "Crazy On You', by Heart. She even reinterprets fairytales such as Sleeping Beauty. I can relate to that. She certainly speaks my language.

She is everything I Love in a worldly reflection – Looking back

I immediately purchased every creation of hers that she had for sale, including several comics of hers that are based on her Native American heritage and involving excursions between the veil with an animal companion; A Wolf named Blue.

Ooh how exciting!

I have recently found much hope in the world wide web for my existence.

There is a gorgeous and charming, 'She-Lover' Piscean DJ from Boston with electrifying blue eyes who romances all the women he can find, including me. A loving, generous, majestic, and supportive screenwriter from L.A; whom I affectionately call 'Mr. T'. There is a brilliant woman from San Francisco exploring Lilith so deeply and precisely that she is writing a book on Her. This woman has a sacred Pythagorean triangle (which I call the "3, 4, 5" but surely it has a *real* name) sparking her planetary design.

Since she is a Virgo South Node I trust her completely to do a very detailed job.

Can't wait to read it.

These people are innovative, expressive, and evolutionary. I am so grateful for them; these material envelopes.

I keep coming upon so many external connections that I am going to have to finish this book soon!

That way I can use my hands again for other creations.

Here's hoping I get addicted. 'Be the change!'

Also, I am aware that not everyone does actually have hands; or eyes or legs or speech. Some people don't even have rights or freedom. Or food... (here I go, off into the emotional and powerless beyond...)

In that case, they have possibly evolved other aspects of their human being.

I generally speak in metaphor and I am sure that people who are also without, are highly inventive and will possess something that they can use to share their spirits with others, if they so desire.

I still believe in miracles *.

Winter

Raven was Ice-skating in her Winter Wonderland. Somewhere in Canada...

Her neck was longer and her hair, high, on her head in a tight bun pulling her features into a strong-looking face devoid of much emotion. She was wearing too much make-up and it was raining snowflakes.

She glided in figure-eights and stopped time with the momentum of her pirouettes.

Her lake was like concrete.

Seemingly forever.

And she never fell.

It was dark, and you couldn't make out the colours, but it was perfect.

Everything in Wonderland glittered a language in starry-silver. Every sharpness was smoothed by the powder-soft particles that were in Love with gravity. All the trees were stripped black against their canvas, and only her lips - with too much lipstick - were red.

The days were a gentle shade of white and at night, the snow gleamed with moonlight.

She couldn't tell if she was cold, for she never stopped dancing.

But this weather never changed.

She was regularly visited by strangers. None were wearing skates so they easily slid off the unfamiliar terrain she had decided to inhabit, and the snow always covered their tracks. Sometimes they tripped her over - for reasons unbeknownst to her.

The red of her lips was now not the only red in her world. And her head was beginning to hurt...

Raven knew this wasn't the real world.

Finally facing its opaque reflection one day, she asked the lake "What is that don't you want me to see? What are you hiding in there?"

With determination and unwavering focus, she span on the same spot hoping to drill her way through. She ceaselessly hit at it with the strong arms of dead trees and after a time the lake began to thin with just the heat of her obsession. She feared losing her own private wonderland and changing her world forever as she knew it - but nothing changed here. Nothing changed her.

Then it just cracked. Right through the middle, and like lightning, the lake revealed its secret liquid and swallowed her body whole.

With nowhere left to stand, Raven flailed about in the horror she had uncovered. There were rotten, bloated bodies, and unknown pollution that made this water like tar. She could taste the pungent aroma of the fetid pipes of old men on her tongue.

Things stuck to her flesh like leeches and tried to make her one of them.

Raven almost drowned in this pool of corpses.

So much for skeletons in the closet...

With the composure of a traumatized ballerina she found an edge resembling terra firma and climbed into the now blistering snow as the wicked winds of change messed up her hair and sent shards of ice slicing into her face.

Her warm blood was everywhere.

She knew this wasn't real.

Raven shivered but was thawed by her ever-beating heart. She eventually realized there were professionals who removed such things from such places and gazed through the illusion to a symbol that her waking self had conjured...community.

That is the closest I have come to explaining my sensory descent into the collective 3D reality (which I'm sure is actually infused with higher vibrating energetic portals everywhere, including my own world; the kind of worlds that artists, true Lovers, and true friends create – and the perfect dinner party. Now just to bring 'it' with me when I come).

...the closest I have come to explaining the journey down the dark staircase from the tower to the forest.

If only I'd have thought to install a light.

Oh wait. I am the light.

The experience is infused with emotions that never moved on. It's about finding my needs and meeting them. What I want, what I desire – the things that will nourish me.

It is hard for a universal consciousness (or space cadet) to accept its individual identity; that seems selfish.

It is about treating my body nicely, and being grateful to have a home that contains my essence and experiences my environment. My own material envelope.

Enjoying the sensation of warm water on my hands in cold weather - of warming them on the tea cup.

Bathing my body in a glorious heated shower or soaking by candlelight with the option of surrounding myself with scents of my choosing.

It brings the power of conscious creation into my hands.

I'm not talking about making mountains here.

It's about the kinetic fire and how to use it.

The warmth of purring kittens, family dogs, and of one another.

It is about the orange chakra.

It is hard and scary – Like I am about to place the base of the fragile nerve endings of my spine on hot coals. See how I can't...quite... get down?

I used to play acoustic guitar and sing a lot for my own pleasure - when I still felt pleasure. Vibrating as one; as my body rhythmically strummed the tactile invention with the trance-like power of memory and motor skills, united. Warming it with my energy, while my voice bore sounds from my affected body.

I enjoyed it a lot. It was the only thing that might send me to sleep in peace.

Using the instruments involved my body and as my hands gradually closed in on themselves, I stopped touching my environment at all.

I even suffer from a slight anger towards orange. I get angry at carrots for being so...orange.

A similar anger I guess, to the one I shared with Ferrari. Proud owner of her healthy and abundant emanating 'orange'.

I can only really tolerate it in a very particular shade. One in the triad of my favourite colours - reminiscent of a scene in Maui; where I have never been.

This composition is hot pink, sunset orange, and ultra violet.

I also have other triads of favourite combinations. There is a fluttery, alive, star-gold with radiant turquoise, and rose pink

And a velvet red, turquoise, and gold.

I think I like turquoise because it seems to be a beautiful blue with a radiant heart of gold. And speaking of turquoise, Lets play a game!

(As I'm sure you can imagine, I actually write a small descriptive paragraph about it: as the more work you put in, the heartier the result. But at your leisure...)

About Us

1. What is you favourite colour? Now describe it in two words.

2. What is your favourite animal? Describe it in two.

3. What is your favourite body of water? i.e.: bath, river, lake, teeth brushing water... two words.

4. Imagine you are naked in a white room with no windows, no doors; no way in or out. Describe in two words how you feel.

It's funner if you do it with others (as always)!

My answers are always changing, and I won't give you the thesis, but often it's:

1. turquoise (radiant, electric) or velvet red (warm, alive)

2. flamingo, peacock (both are exotic masterpieces) or tiger (powerful, majestic)

3. bath/shower/waterfall (weightless, warm / hot, unrelenting and / Gravity – there's this whole thing with the higher river falling into and merging with the one below. The whole process of unification)

4...I forget.

I'll give you the results later. Chances are if they were right here you would read them before playing. No fun.

The ice lake of the winter of my content represents the cool composure of the life I lived from the Heart up. Nothing to touch; my arms poised in dance. I had enough gold personal power to keep moving, like a tightly wound spring on a mission, and life was pleasant enough (as pleasant as searching for the gold nugget in all of hopeless suffering can be) whilst storing unpleasantness where I never thought I'd go.

I find it kind of sweet that humans make saltwater tears from their body. The body is talking. It emotes.

But, really, I've never even seen snow.

I'm sure I could analyze the storytelling further, but I'd like to move on.

Since I was looking in the direction of the offerings of Gemini, beloved Jane gently suggested it might be the right time for me to have some counseling.

Due to my aversion to habitual victim mentality, I never wanted to be that person. But as I became less delusional, I had to accept that I was.

The community will help me with my shadow monster.

I just have to take it into the light with me when I go.

The community provides services for the individual, and so, I have made an appointment.

The women's voices on the phone were very soothing.

And I laugh at the irony; in that the place where I sold my virginity - a place I thought I'd never see again - is the very place that provides this service.

I actually seem pretty normal since Raven almost drowned. I think we might be ready to work together.

I have recently discovered my emotions are like pets. When they visit I don't deny them. I say 'Yes sweetie. You are (insert emotion). That's okay.'

"It is?" It asks me, like the wounded inner child breaking from its turmoil, its innocent eyes wide with grief. I console it and it moves on. It just wants to be acknowledged and tell me something that is important to it.

I realize songs are pure emotional honesty and are expressed ever so passionately; with action. Being raised by music and cinema, as I was, I didn't really know that people weren't that honest or aware of the subtle language of the body. In fact songs are just everything they wished for. A truthful retrospective. What they wish they had of said or done, and the regret left over from seemingly unsuccessful human interactions. Disappointment.

(or, at this present junction - shock -'That's the Way it is' by Celine Dion is proving me wrong. The important thing is that I haven't related to her since I was about twelve. Maybe I should expand my collection even further...

I giggle at privately enjoying it. It makes me feel funny in the power centre. She is very strong. And Canadian. But lately, I've enjoyed listening to the Christian radio station; because at least they have hope.

I had been thinking about how 'Love thy Will be Done' by Martika – written by Prince- was such an amazing song. I was thinking about how much I Loved it and it was all I wanted. I think I had been emotionally comatose for three days so I managed to get up and make some toast. I put the radio on and hated everything. Something sounded soothing, so I left it. The very next song to grace my ears was 'Love Thy Will be Done'. I turned it up as loud as it would go and bathed in it. That experience was like the hook that caught me from my emotional sea and brought me to land.

Moira.

So I listen to it often. I have plenty a Loved song from there. Some of the people sound kind of delusional, but of course, I understand that. Use anything you need to cope and survive life, due to a lack of external connection, of not having your needs met, no matter what they are. I just draw the line at hurting others.

Some people call it god, some JC or Allah. Some call it magic or power; The Universe; Aliens; Human potential...I bet people are making up many more names for it as I go about my own business.

That breakfast show woman actually makes me laugh. She's funny. She co-hosts with her husband and I really believe in their Love.

I guess because I am not interested in being judgemental I can just experience the pleasant things wherever I find myself.)

I still don't see why we can't all be honest with ourselves and one another in the moments we find ourselves sharing. I find weird trickery or manipulation games are time wasting, and are not fun for me. Reptilian (god I Love 'I heart Huckabees'. Lily Tomlin calls that word out to Mark Wahlberg's character as he storms out of the party).

Maybe those things serve a purpose but I have never been able to get my head around whatever that is.

It's like I am stupidly honest or something. 'Naive'

Since I think songs say it best, as The National announce in Brainy, Brainy, Brainy:

"You'll never believe me; what I found."

You have heard me ask myself - well, you've heard me ask myself a lot really, but questions such as: why I am so serious? So driven to perfection with no real rest, and desperate to be capable of taking charge of my own life and lead others to their own success. Why it is that I admire so many people I deem creative, expressive, influential, and successful. Why do I Love the contributions of individual self-expression?

Well, I discovered that my North Node is in the Tenth house.

Yes, surprise! It's an astrological discovery.

The Tenth house is likened to the energy of Capricorn. It is about status, governing, self-sovereignty. and contributing to the community in a position of authority to improve and impact the world of human disorder. Jan Spiller suggests calling on the energy of the Father rather than the Mother to help grow the Capricorn tree seeded within. It is through this house that we work on manifesting ourselves.

Being the Tenth, also gives it the energy of one, as you begin again. Expanding from 9. Older, wiser, and ever a fool. A cheeky Heyoka.

I am again amused that I should happen upon this knowledge as I enter into my Saturn return; and Saturn is Capricorn's ruler. Pluto has also just moved into Capricorn after being in Sagittarius for the last 13 or so years. I find myself right on time, once again.

When society realigns with the cosmos, I shall never be 'late' again. I can't even wear a watch. I don't understand world time - at all. Just eternal home planet continuum. When I ask myself if I want to live forever, I come up with the answer – Boring!

I realize that I must be doing the same thing over if I am bored. But when I really dream up possibilities and realities of how to spend eternity, there is no way I'd get bored!

Since I already do feel in touch with my eternal nature, I kind of expect to live forever. Just not exactly like this. Evolving. Morphing, exploring, and discovering. Dreaming.

Personally I'd include a lot more various ways to experience the indescribable power of the Great Love; without the fear of death and loss - or the distaste of breaking up marriages...

No such thing as separation. The difference between sinister secrets and provocative privacy. Just make it all free.

Oh wait.

It is.

Maybe I meant free flowing.

Let it in people! Surely Trust is out there!

Well, Trusty is.

In fact Charlotte and I would sort of like the good parts of this world - but with more god.

"More god", we stressed.

We smiled to giggling in our definitive understanding of the concept.

We call it god because we have established between us, an understanding of it not being cloud-man with beard.

It is efficiently short for a conversation and the common name for what I call the Great Love.

But we always clarify anyway.

Sometimes I call it Playdough. It lets me.

We want a more natural environment and animals that hold one another instead of fighting for food.

In fact the present state of the world is simply bad management of resources for the amount of room occupied.

There will always be rain, but asphalt and concrete prevent it from running its natural course.; from free flowing.

The Yarra River was ruined by man. Harnessed inefficiently.

That hideous architectural monstrosity known to the public as 'Southern Cross Station' used to have a river run through it.

But things can always be fixed.

Just get appropriate Virgo-esque's onto it (or any combination of mercurial Gemini , constructive Capricorn, or inventive Aquarius).

Oh that's right, money matters.

The Tenth house totally explained everything I was wandering around looking for. Destiny is my job. That is why I have celestially been paying vigilant attention, keeping a record, and being very professional about the whole thing.

I am now totally convinced of the accuracy of stellar cycles and I am astounded that my detailed experience of life is actually written in the stars.

As above so very, very below.

As within, so very without.

For example, during the announcement of the opening of my orange chakra, the orange curtains (sunset orange, with a golden hue) in this room that I use to block out the world, were pulled down by the hand of Rainbow the cat.

They have never come down before.

There is now a pretty, sheer, light-pink veil that remains. And the green of nature looks so beautiful peering through it as I peer out.

Funnily enough, it also the beginning of Autumn. Sometimes called Fall.

Anyway, Cheetah, who is very orange herself and wears a matching orange collar, has curled herself up on the elegantly draped orange curtains. She is the Mother of Rainbow and the two boys, and is Lola's daughter.

The daughter Lola wanted so very much.

I Love aesthetics, and Nature is so very good it (and I just Love Alicia Keys...)

At least the Virgo and Capricorn work very well together. That is something I can really count on. Finally some solid inner chemistry!

This placement also adds a Cancerian energy to the location of my Pisces South Node, mathematically helping me realize that I haven't really had the opportunity to 'grow up' in the world (ever); that on top of being deep and sensitive, I am even extra sensitive, emotionally intuitive ,and have always been kept relatively safe and in the role of dependant. It is why I was sort of...waiting.

My favourite part was when I read that it is very healthy, and in fact necessary, for my kind to have role models to look up to, learn from and emulate. That's great, because I Love admiring.

At this stage of my life, I feel far too inferior to display and exercise my 'natural' authority, yet apparently, I would make a good leader because of my vision, and that I have the compassion necessary to instruct others with the sensitivity human beings require. I have the intuitive understanding to make professional decisions when dealing with others on a case by case basis; and to truly know who cries wolf and who is Red Riding Hood.

But my personal life is a different story.

Hopefully I will be a good director, then. A co-creator of dream worlds. And I Love picking the right people for the job. Casting.

Interpreting more of my stars has put my emotional fragments in order and validated my very real insecurities. I find validating almost makes everything well again.

I wish people could comfortably disclose their insecurities more often because we have so much to learn about one another (I'm sure I have more to share! Maybe that's what creativity and counseling are for).

Aiming for the Tenth house qualities also means for me ,to bring with me, to the world, the positive attributes from the Fourth house. Or the Capricorn/Cancer axis.

I did not plan on uncovering my astrology in a forum such as this, but my point is every time I have a revelation; it is already written in the stars. It is mimicked in the cycling of the Cosmos...It is present.

(I Love how applying emphasis in Italics actually looks like you have pressed something heavy onto the letters themselves. Like they are more real; denser. It was my desire to really put as much of an energy stamp as I could into that 'present'. And then it made me laugh and write about it even.)

Sometimes I can even know what is going on 'upstairs' because of what is churning within me.

I feel fantastic for the two days a month that the moon is in Leo.

Always, without even paying attention.

Fighting the natural order only just pushes me into a dark corner with my eyes pressed shut and my fingers stuck in my ears. It is still happening.

There is really order in all of Nature.

Natural Order. Ah...music to a Virgo-esque's ears.

Sometimes if you go to a park and stare at the tree tops and their arms, you can see them reaching for each other and sharing the path of light. It is a living pattern of beautiful acknowledgement and awareness.

'When the student is ready...' it becomes the teacher. It is all pretty natural. Evolution.

So now my new obsession is finding out what house everyone else's North Node is in, and a joyful grin graces my face as I recall the 'one eye' I have had on the Cancer/Capricorn axis in people such as Diane Sawyer, Bryan Ferry (as he presently sings 'Sensation'), my Spanish Companion Luis, my twin Aunties, Piper and others.

It also gives a gentle nudge in the direction of expanding out of the confines of my condensed astrological quadrant, beginning at just before Leo and ending at Sagittarius. I now arc a little more, and embody now, half of the Zodiac circle.

I'm sure I'll uncover much more as I dance on...

There has also been more input on the possible outcomes of Earth's future. Nothing.

Or, something is shifting.

I have heard all sorts of rumours (great Fleetwood Mac album. The Chain, I feel is the most organic and harmonious creation that that group ever made. Every person's presence is fully felt in that one song):

Time as we know it, can no longer be used to measure eternity. I like that one.

That we shift from the fourth world and into the fifth world (which could actually represent dimensions).

That the poles shift, but the Earth itself does not tilt, perhaps the water will start spinning in the opposite directions. The Northern and Southern hemispheres may swap their energetic genders. I have heard that the Planet Uranus periodically rotates its poles towards the Sun, and depending on which pole it is, that human sex dominates the planet Earth. Interesting.

Regardless of the happening; one thing is for certain, and that; is change.

Even if nothing happens, my friends and I are convinced that it has already begun. Something is already happening. And that hammock therapy session proves it to me. Magic is definitely afoot.

Something is always happening in the universe.

I'd like to see more of that on T.v.; Star-shows and galaxy merges...

(Speaking of T.v, you might be pleased to know that Big Bird has the same T.v as me and lent me her remote to get the green 6 off. Happy face. That whole community thing is turning out to be a wellspring of sharing... "Season's 'Don't Fear the Reaper'...nor do the wind, the sun and rain...La...la...la...")

I know Venus is about to complete her hundred or so year cycle, eclipsing the sun twice in a short period of time. 2005, I believe was her last hello.

So, linear time will be gone when the Mayan calendar ends. That would be nice. Just a sequence of perfect, flowing moments. Always on time for one's life.

Sometimes what feels like forever when you are alive, is actually just a breath of the Great Love. The Great unfolding Mystery.

I have also been thinking that, imagine all of History as we know it, was actually just story telling. Fact is always changing, and being 'proved' wrong anyway. Scientists stare at particles and they change. That is the end of science.

Are these sentences made of letters, or are they energetic, vibrational strings, with heart beats?

Music, rhythm...and dancing.

Are they fingerprints of my eternal vibrational nature?

They are made of me...

What if truth has always been a mirage; with only the glistening reflection of what one would project there. What if the Greeks were just drunk on life and making up stories about each other, because they were deeply aware of themselves.

"Hey! From here those stars looks like you! See your belt and your hat!" Joy, laughter, and merriment ensues.

What if Jesus was an initiation? A story to pay attention too. Lord knows Horus was a similar character, and why, after two thousand years, is there no sign of "His only Son". I can no longer believe that there was just one son of this so called 'God'. Too many counting years have passed for staying away or annihilating the doomed experiment that still throws stones. Will we ever learn? Life did exist before B.C. you know...

It's just that someone started counting.

I find it odd that the counting coincides with the age of Pisces...

Not to mention the Fish; symbols of both JC and Pisces.

These days we say things like "He's a real Hitler" or "She's a real Mother Theresa".

Though characters in our history, they possess the seemingly unchanging human qualities we all possess; but what would we like to feed? Who would we like to become?

One thing I can never seem to get my head around is the fact that when I look in the mirror, I am looking at the reverse of how others see me. Olive hates it when I talk about it - but I look in the mirror and I see a girl with her hair over her right eye. She looks demure.

But then in photo's (which I hate because they confuse me), I see a girl with her hair over her left eye and she looks secretive, shifty, and sad, which is also, actually my right eye.

Can't get over it.

I can't accept or understand it.

Ow! My head!

"God/Eternal within the body." - Gregg Braden's controversial contribution.

Almost as if the creator etched in its creations "God was 'ere."

It's an interesting concept. I am very into searching for that 'golden thread' in such an age of separation. The Kali Yuga.

On the subject of my most recent unveiling orange chakra, I am listening to some of the old emotional music from my past, and if at all possible - I am feeling them more.

The Dam at Otter Creek by Live is an amazingly atmospheric song; as if I were watching a movie, or in it even. My emotional attachment to that song is interesting because not only is the Otter the Guardian of my orange chakra, but I think he sings about dead bodies in the dam. A collection of stagnant water in itself.

I like Nightswimming by R.E.M too.

What I miss most about listening to music these days are wooden speakers. Wood highlights every instrumental inflection, every subtle breath and piano key pressed. I...feel...every...vi...bration.

Vinyl records even produce the inaudible sounds of presence when you listen to them. With their precious, Diamond heads. What an amazing invention.

C.D's don't have that same echo. They are not as alive. The very useful computer even screams it all out of one side.

Acoustic guitar can also carry the sounds of alive. It's the wood.

'Rodrigo y Gabriella' are skillfully insane.

Right now, Kristen Barry is performing Ordinary Life. Rocks me into a soothing and blissful state of suspended inertia.

It's a bit of a raw and vulnerable feeling, this sacral opening. Like I'm standing completely naked in the cold and I can't see my back.

Oh well. It explains all those dreams everyone is always talking about regarding being naked in public.

Glimpses of the pure and present self.

Indifference by Pearl Jam is so comforting; holds me like a close hug, warm and safe. I close my eyes and find myself in a cozy firelight cave. Rest.

* * *

...months pass by...

It's my birthday in Ten days. 29. But you probably knew that.

I'll be an 11 for the first time since being 11.

We really only go through phases of 1-9 with the occasional 11.

Night-blooming Jasmine has begun to call on Spring, and that always makes me happy.

This winter I wasn't sure I'd live through. I spent most of it like Sleeping Beauty as I did get some counseling for my childhood trauma and it turned out to be not such a good thing for me.

It may have opened a wound that was healing itself... Nevermind.

I haven't stopped crying since, and I think the monster is consuming me. I no longer know how to care about anything, and am numb, or paralyzed. This is because I care so much, yet that care only hits walls and falls... I can care no more for anything. Numb.

But '...nothing lasts forever...' right? Bryan Ferry tells me so.

It's not all drowning; something wonderful has happened (though numb cannot care). This winter a seed was planted and should be becoming soon.

In the letterbox, I was invited to attend a breakfast at an Aboriginal Healing House a street away. I have always been drawn to this place; it is named Maya. I met a Native American Shaman there in an orange shirt. The colour of his work.

I figured that since I had been waiting all my Life to meet one, he must be that one. There were many wonderful threads of Moira in the space between us, not to mention he lives locally and has lived here for most of my life!

I Loved him immediately too, but I bet he gets that a lot.

I was confronted with all sorts of internal hesitation when it came time to utilize his services because whenever I find what I am looking for, it turns out to be: a cult, an absence of true Love, wounds re-opened, and more of the same, hard things.

But he is my last hope. It was supposed to be her dying... not me. But I guess we are one.

I attended two medicine circles that he held and I absolutely Loved them. They made me happy.

I have so much fear hidden within me that I can barely leave the house anymore...but maybe it's just winter...

I am certain I could do it – Life - if my orange chakra was healed and I...I can't share the same body as a monster born from suffering. No longer. I don't think I would have decided on this life if it couldn't be undone.

But I've lost the fight in me... I can't...and I blame everything on Mars in Cancer.

And then I cry all the time.

I watched I heart Huckabees again the other day and it occurred to me, as the boys were feeling disillusioned, that that is how I felt after the cult. Dismantling one's reality takes a toll, and though they blamed the couple archetype, they recovered by embracing the other extreme, yet became even more disillusioned when that failed them. That is two devastating blows, yet they managed to find the strength to see the value in both lessons and reconcile it within. (Well, Albert did. Did you know he's related to Nick Cage and Sofia Coppola?)

Because of that insight, I thought I might be able to move through 'it' too and not be afraid of what lay before me (you see, they had a buddy system; a friend, and I have no one, so they are my other. However, I do have other friends going through the same dismantling process, yet truth be known - this is no movie! Well, if it is, it is way longer...)

I understand now, just how normal it is to hesitate just before a great change. Who will I be without the beast? Something very different. What if it doesn't go away?...?

Questions, questions. If someone were here I bet they'd tell me "There is only one way to find out!" Right?

I am nothing if it stays.

* * *

I realize that this story cannot and does not have an ending, because it is a story about the journey.

You know, that journey. And what have I learnt thus far? Hmmmm...

"Well the blanket-thing is definitely for real."

I have learned that Love happens (Charles); you cannot make it happen (Solomon). I have learnt that even though it makes no sense, it makes one hell of a story.

I have confirmed that my monster, my darkness, and my suffering have brought me to a place of higher learning; and through our personal tragedy and trauma, we grow.

I have learned that songwriters and filmmakers are philosophers and storytellers.

They reflect (double entendre!).

I've learned that astrology is - absolutely \- an accurate blueprint of 'As above, so below. As within, so without.'

I have learned that evolution does not end here; and in fact, I'm not sure if there is an end...

I have learned the value of letting go (in theory) – I have yet to reap its rich rewards.

If I am full of my past lives and old Loves \- how will I ever have room for more...life?

I've rediscovered that I have much to give, and that songs say it best...

Most importantly, that I am not alone; even if I may be lonely...

It's raining.

I will, my Love, leave you with one last meal (The Last Supper?! Oh really, Rupunzel...)

It is Olive's recipe for Pea Soup, and you probably shouldn't eat it before bed because it gives you so much energy. Peas have more protein than meat. Enjoy!

So, you get a packet of peas, a can of coconut milk, and some Massel vegetable stock (coz it's the yummest, says Olive).

Boil the peas in some holy water (it's all holy) with the stock, like, two or more spoons, and then blend it when it's cooked. Add your can of coconut milk. It's amazing.

Tonight I am having the cauliflower version. Same, just with cauliflower. I also add a chilli as it increases one's metabolism...and garlic cloves too for a medicinal soup.

You can make it with pumpkin, broccoli, spinach, celery; anything you can think of. It is damn fine.

I also enjoy the occasional shot of Kirsberry.

And I'll leave you with one last song 'My Pal', by God. You can find them on Myspace. I swap the songs on my page; usually between My Pal, Running Up That Hill, and Brainy. They're my staples, but I have been known venture out in the moment...

Even though I wish to learn completion, that is a lesson I will experience without you; because it will involve somehow getting this into your hands. And even better; into your heart.

If it makes its way safely to you then my success is assured - and *Yay*!

And before I forget, here are the results to that game; About Us.

1. Describes how you appear to yourself.

2. Describes how you appear to others.

3. Describes how you like your sex.

4. Describes how you feel about death.

Wasn't that fun!

I didn't get the time to tell you about all sorts of things; like seeing Santa Claus with Olive and the twins – forever certain with that many witnesses; or the time me, Olive, and Ferrari crashed on the way to Ballarat to see the Divinyls...when we all knew that we would. Crashing was a relief in a way....and afterwards the most fun I've ever had bouncing on a giant trampoline-like 'inflatable pillow', high on crash-adrenaline. I ate the best potato cakes I have ever tasted.

Or the 7 women gathered to spend the night as the constellation of the 7 sister's shone in their doorway; while I was discussing such miraculous Moira.

Or how the moment before we crashed, I was trying to get into my Callipo and it was so difficult that I said to myself, "I can't believe it. I can't believe life is this hard that I can't even get into my icypole." Crash! Luckily after the crash I was so occupied with trying to access my icypole that that, was my only concern. I didn't have the opportunity to connect with any anxiety associated with nearly dying. A natural deference.

It was a really hot day and it practically melted before I could get it open.

I didn't get to tell you about the highly validating four levels of perception I've discovered in a book titled "The Four Insights" by Alberto Villoldo.

The Snake; The Jaguar; The Hummingbird; The Eagle.

I'm stuck somewhere between the jaguar and the hummingbird. I'm writing a movie about it. I possibly visit the eagle but am hopeless at the snake. The snake is predominantly masculine; so I am not surprised that I don't get it. It's supposed to be instinctive and knows the days of the week (Grace by Jeff Buckley is such a beautiful song. My hips dance subtly. In 4/4 time my left hip arcs up: 'and the rain is falling').

The snake is the body; the person; so I think it's talking...

Also, Charlotte has decided to have a biblically themed party for her next birthday. I wonder if we will become those costumes. We can only consume bread, wine, fish, and prayer. Sounds fun.

I might make some loaves... I make bread with a can of creamed corn, enough flour to make dough, and then a small handful of caraway seeds. Knead, knead, knead. I might put a pinch of pink salt in too. I am obsessed with the properties of ancient salt.

Or about the texts we sometimes send each other

...ok, here's one Olive sent me once.

Jacquie: I can't believe they cut off your electricity! Did you tell them you had kids?

Roseanne: Yeah, but they didn't want them

But maybe I'll catch you around the woods sometime – we'll see... I'll tell you about those things then if you really want to know.

I might try wearing some red... and this time I won't be spilling black all over it.

Thankyou my Love, for your company - and for receiving what I so badly wanted to give.

For those of you that like a happy ending – or even just an ending - here's one I prepared earlier...as "This Universe" from Singh Kaur's etheric voice comes to carry me to the stars... Happy Birthday to me.

Party on, and be excellent to each other. Always.

Blessed Be.

ENDING?

With many thanks to Moira Atrophos, Raven dies, and - fingers crossed - the beast.

Then maybe, a White Wing Dove is born from Stevie Nicks and Moira. Any name I call her by.

Just like The Empress of Fantasia, I desire a new name.

One that is given to me by an Elder who can see me for who I am.

I can't quite see who I am, as much as I just am. I've tried to figure out my Spirit name my whole life.

The man who Loves Olive called me Shadowdancer once...

The thing about the front cover is this:

Is it for the Love of Expression, or the Expression of Love?

It is because I am pouring out my heart to you.

I am living from my heart centre and following my bliss, my Moira; which I found in my heart.

Symbolically, there is the unveiling of the heart chakra (welcome to me); there's the black night and the white light, and the evocative downwards pointing V shape that is Her realm.

My cup, over floweth... I have no choice but to Love you.

And I really do! My brothers; my sisters, and children. My fathers and mothers.

Namaste,

In la'kesh,

Mitakuye Oyasin,

Ciao bella,

Adios amigo,

All Yours, Babooshka

Sincerely, L.Cohen.

(Famous Blue Raincoat sung by Jennifer Warnes is what is always on the record player when a guest comes to visit on a starry, summer night...in my world anyway.)

Always In Love,

Raven, Rupunzel, and... me.

('Call me! Ishmael...' Grosse Pointe is the best series ever...but so is: Buffy...Angel...Miami Vice...nip/tuck...Andy Richter Controls the Universe...Dallas - brilliant! Dark Angel: The atmosphere there is incredible, but then, I always did Love Canada and its lot.

There are so many amazing creations...

I always hoped to have an archive of highly recommended movies and TV shows that like-minded others could recommend, review tantalizingly, access, and share...)

And incase you are wondering what my favourite movie of all time is (apart from the bestest 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit?' probably because they are unreal characters in a real world – like me. The priceless and supportive I Heart Huckabees or the shatteringly entertaining They Live and - where would I be without the pizzazz of Grease and The Rocky Horror Picture Show?); it is unashamedly - Dirty Dancing.

I don't even feel I need to explain the reasons why.

But I can't help myself.

Dancing, Sexuality, and the fact that they are listening to the same songs that we are, easily involve me in their world. The liberation of Love; the bonds of the community of the underclass (who are so much cooler, but again; would be nothing without the contrast of the upper class) and hot cars.

The becoming of a young woman who rises up to meet her father with grace...I could go on and on about that film.

Patrick Swayze's footwork and poise in the mambo...

Even the commentary was so fascinating, and birthed a new Love for my otherwise most hated character (as Jung would have it); the bungalow bunny...

When I worked at the video shop, for like, most of my life, my favourite part was when we created a highly recommended shelf in turns. For a month or three, you would have "My top 50", "Ellie's Top 50", "Jarrod's Top 50", "Aaron's Top 50" or "Bob's Top 100". Bob had way too much life experience to have just 50...I bet he'd have an interesting auto biography...Yes...very interesting indeed...

And 'I do apologize for always inconveniencing you by being late guys, Truly. But as you can guess, I was pretty busy in the otherworlds.

Ellie moved to Kenya with her boyfriend to continue her astronomy. So cute.

The movies on that shelf were the best renters out of anything because people believe in people and we were such a diverse variety of souls bound by our passionate Love of storytelling; weaving.

That shelf was alive because it was revolving. Our customers would then have a thread to connect to one of us if they liked it. That was such an amazingly creative environment - until it got eaten by the dinosaur.

One work Christmas party, Jarrod pulled the most amazing Moira move. It was just like a movie. I was walking and ranting in front of him and sort of tripped backwards (?) only to come to a rest fluidly, in the safety of his arms under my armpits.

It was so super smooth and proof that because we existed in a passionate cinema bubble, that Moira would never be far away...

Drinkin' in L.A. is on...Bran Van 3000.

Me and the co owner of 'St. Kilda' the cat, always hoped to be in L.A. at 26, drinking and listening to that song...we weren't, but at least I was in Sheridan and Louise's bar, ecstacying in their company, sharing our Love of that song with each other. I had a great time. They named a cocktail after me! So much Love...

Well I better fly, or I'll never learn to cut.

Thankyou so much My Love, for letting me in. It means the World to me.

Snip!

(There are so many amazing songs in the world...I just can't believe it.

You'll never guess what's coming up next...)

Snip!

AFTERWARDS...

So... that shaman was a charlatan; a sexual predator, even. Why am I not surprised...  
My mum read about him in the newspaper, so that's how I found out. Not that interacting with him as he took more and more clothes off wasn't a sign – I'll leave that discussion right there.  
Also, one evening, a sexual predator came into my house and paraded his erection around for 7 hours – honestly, my life is that bizarre.

I realized tower-bound was no longer 'safe'; that life would find me, as long as I were alive.  
These incidents, and the myriad other sexually related ones, led me to explore my astrology further – where else could I look? It seemed aspected Scorpio Uranus in the 12th House was a murky and surprising combination.   
Suffice to say, I've done all I can to balance it by studying under Taurean mentorship (you know how I feel about the axes).

There has been more death; more Love; more sex - and all of them filled with loss.   
I'll focus on the Love:  
This Love had what is called a "True Love aspect " in astrology; Chiron/Venus conjunction ~ I am still in shock that he used fear or free will to choose not to Love me...

I met him the night my Soul knew my Maternal Nanna was about to pass away; again with the Love/Death/Grief/Life...   
I danced like I was alive for the first or last time. Another 'prey' seduced by, and lured into, my prayer of dance. I'm never sure if they come for me, or for what they think they see...

Our Love, I return to sender. The longing feels like acid as the magnet tears me from within.   
I'll do whatever is in my power to never feel that way again.

I Loved him with everything I was. He was life after death.  
He said he Loved me....but he didn't want me; enough.  
I would have done anything for him - and was sad to learn he did not feel the same way.   
We shared the Virgo/Pisces axis – which would have helped me so much to come into my body, create routine, and learn those daily things vs Timeless things. He was on his way to Surrender.   
We also shared the Sagittarius/Gemini axis: Pure HigherMind, Big Picture vs the prism'd Multi-Dimensional Experience.   
He's still scattered and fractured everywhere.   
And I'm still up here.  
He has this delusional aspect: Neptune in the 5th, opposite Venus.   
Was constantly projecting his warped perceptions and damaging psychology on to me, that I naively thought were legitimately mine.   
That took some sifting...

As for my companions in life; Olive, Sam, and the Hound... well, I'll leave that discussion right there, too.. Life became so unsurprisingly predictable.

This body of work is my garage sale; I'm moving out, and moving on.  
What I have learned of Love is that when people insist that you cannot be Loved by another until you first Love yourself, I say: phooey!  
There is nothing wrong with you – they don't know how to Love. Love is your right – you know it, remember it, and gift it. You abundantly pour it, yet so little receive – they like to take.

I had a brief (first) relationship that was abusive (confirmed by wikipedia), and now I am even more certain that the human race is in dire straits; people don't know how to touch you, let alone Love you. I Let him have sex with me about twice, over the duration of that relationship. I felt nothing. Just him moving his foreskin inside my body.   
That was like self-rape; I was trying to build a relationship based on teamwork, shared vision, and mutual respect - considering LOVE would not be in a relationship with me, I thought: "Maybe this is it. Friendly; partnership." It was my experiment. He yelled at me all time – violently – upon waking, noon, and night; hreatened to throw me out the window: sexual aggression; addicted to the bong; was SO impatient and ugh – hideous South Node in the chaotic 8th House NO IDEA about healthy energy exchange.   
I feel proud that I ended that experiment at 3 months. I learned, if he was that awful, that I was that beautiful.  
I saw, with my own eyes, just how appalingly the state of humanity truly, really, was in.

I am now even more dedicated to the Higher Education of Great Love.  
The ego is a dangerous space-suit that prevents civilians from enjoying the atmosphere here, and from meeting others halfway.

In fact, right now, I Love him so much, and would just passionately kiss his core if I could, because it is through his dense ignorance that I have 'seen', just how crystal clear and illuminated I am. That has been the Greatest Gift to my Self. Nothing says self-Love like breaking up with someone who doesn't deserve you.

He skyped another woman the first time we went out for dinner together.  
Turns out she was like, his sex-friend, she was about 50, AND she was in Love with him AND... he tried to manipulate a threesome with her, without my consent, and I was trapped in the little shoebeox room he lived in above his hotel, while they had sex together, next to me, on the bed.   
Horrfying.   
That's just a taste...   
That's a relationship sans Love.   
I won't be doing that again, either.

His next girlfriend, after me, was an innocent country girl, aged 22, who used to babysit his daughter, and was related to his daughter's sisters...  
He beat her, and she went to hospital a lot; the three of us broke up. I mean, I tried to help her – and him – but that is their drama.   
You can't just do nothing in those situations – but you can't meddle, either.  
Cannot do men with Venus in the 12th House.

All this time I thought there was something wrong with me, sexually, that I was so wounded and dysfunctional, and unable to connect to others; but now I know that my sexuality is highly evolved, as is my ability to connect.   
There is nothing wrong with me – I'm simply not compatible with manimals.

Porn is a lie: friction sex is its very minimum function – women have been dissatisfied for centuries for a reason.

I am merely the vehicle; Kundalini is the driver.

Once Kundalini happened, the next step was to work with people who actually knew what it was.  
-and now I know what the sushumna nadi is...! All that swaying, rocking, and bliss.  
I cannot explain it, for you have to experience it, but my hips rock on their own when she is attracted... there is no 'learning to have sex'. She has a dance all of her own.

All this wisdom doesn't protect me from 'experiencing' life, henceforth, adversity, but I know now, more than I ever have before, that I am a conduit of the Eternal Presence; Michael Tsarion's 'Priestess' that he spoke of; that we all are, if we'd just shut up and get out of our own way.

(oooo ~ Te Amo by Rihanna is a most enjoyable song that the future had in store... though, even I could have made a better film clip on my phone.)

The thing that has helped me centre and fortify the most, has been Para-Tan Sound Healing, taught to me by Shri Param Eswaran.  
I can't explain how it works – you know I'd try if I could! It just works.  
Goddess Mantras; Planetary Mantras; and Elemental Mantras.

(You've Got the Love by Florence and the Machine – keep singing, Souls!)

In Vedic Astrology, and according to my Mantra Teacher, I am known as Devi Brahmin, by birth. I am respected for the Power of my Wisdom and My Love.   
Goddess-Like, and One Who Knows God.

With a whole stellium of Virgo in the 10th House, I've since learned what the 10th House represents in Vedic Astrology.  
The 10th House is the Cosmic Man; the House of Spiritual Hierarchy.  
Being that Cosmic, not a lot of 'personal' activity occurs...  
However, it is so nice to just finally be seen for who I am.  
I guess you could say I have found myself, my centre, amidst what every one wanted me to be  
Following Moira is the way out of Lost.   
When found, one 'Becomes'; Flowing Moira - the pace is up to you.

It turns out that my true nature is Tantric; Sufi; Living Goddess Tradition; Connection, Liberation, Love, Devotion, and Expression.   
I embody my inherent responsibility - and rights - as Woman Alive. Nothing is personal now; I disabled the monster; it's grip on my life, loosened.  
My 'I' is pure presence. The conversation flows...

"We Are All Bathed in the Same Light"   
~ Unknown  
(Want to say Rumi, but I think it was written about his work – not by him.)

"In sufi circles they say, "There's prayer, and a step up from that  
is meditation, and a step up from that is sohbet, or conversation."  
Who is talking to HU! (The pronoun for divine presence.) Lover  
to beloved, teacher to disciple...." ~ http://www.sourcetext.com/hupage/Rumi/rumi0.html

(Heartbeats - Nneka... keep on beating...)

Connect to one another; Heart to Heart.

Thank you so much for making this journey with me!  
"The highest purpose in life to plant trees under whose shade we do not expect to sit".  
As the tarot knows all too well: The Tower must fall down.

* 2013   
I still keep experiencing rape, for some reason. This one was different – we were new, and in Love. His Mother just told me that he Loved me, too. He has a funny way of showing it.

We spoke about the event – which is also a new experience... his reasoning was that he wanted me to hate him; that he decided that I was not what he wanted. Free Will (to which I say: Saying No to Love, Is like saying No to the Creator. -but you can do whatever you want.)

He was the first person to know me as I was: a Dakini; he grew up knowing all about Kundalini, and told me I didn't need 'explain' myself to him (the spontaneous swaying, mudras, ecstasy... etc).

Like that time in the warehouse, when The Goddess shattered glass and came to my side, she pushed this Love off his bike, too.  
My body wouldn't stop shaking, my heart tore, and I was afraid my neck was going to snap.   
When people ask why didn't you stop it, I liken it to the fear, shock, and paralysis of an oncoming collision: do you always have time to leap from a moving vehicle? The only place for me to go is out of my body. The Love-Magnet made this separation difficult; I felt a lot.   
He knew I wanted to wait until we were friends.

Who knew there was Love-Rape.

Plus, we shared a notoriously dangerous Mars/Pluto aspect in synastry - which is infamous for rape; violence; murder.

I feel so sad...

And I will be completely honest and say: I have never really enjoyed life.  
Feeling like an Alien from some futuristic Utopia, who is trapped in this bestial, backwards, clunky armageddon of self-destruction.  
Feeling heightened sensations, and aliveness in my skin, desirious , interactive - and there is only brutal rape.

GNOing that the Alchemy of Love transmutes all of this.

When I look back on my life, all I see is rape.

Being a Lover, and not a Fighter, in a feral, reptilian confusion of what passion actually is;   
Hint: It's NOT fighting, NOT posession, NOT power, NOT drama.

(What is that quote; "Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power." ~ Oscar Wilde.)

I wrote a poem about this Love-Rape which is called, "The Darkness", in my poetry book: "My Heart is Beatnik Flavoured"  
And this new one, which is just about rape in general (it's not great poetry, it just tells a short story):

Rape, Rape, Rape

Rape, Rape, Rape -   
it's the bowling ball between my hips;

I'M SO HEAVY

\- it's the reason I can't get up, and get my own water;  
or dinner; or that thing, just over there.

It's why I'm tired all the time, and I can't run, or swim, or walk, sometimes.   
It's why I can't go out.   
Or bare my skin; expose my scars.  
Why no one can massage me.

This is why I'm so unhappy.  
Why I don't enjoy the Sun.

I am not Light -  
I AM HEAVY  
* * *  
(Lil Kim ~ This is a Warning)

Apparently, my problem – Spiritually \- is: attachment.

...but I'm not so sure about that; most friends find me infuriatingly detached. And my IC is in Aquarius.

(Loreen – debut album: HEAL. I cannot even go into the soul-transmission of the day I will remember forever when I first discovered Her; "Ascension" is contained in her song; Euphoria.   
My Heart is Refusing Me – Live, on MTV – is total magic. Live is way better than 'hip' recordings, but nevermind. She is exquisite. O – and she looks like a centaur; hooves, mane, and galloping – and has a Sagittarius South Node {conjunct my AC/Neptune conjunction} and is a Desert Queen of Moroccan Berber descent.  
I guessed powerful Pluto was prominent in her chart; our contacts are all nodal, and Venus, and Lilith, and Goddess related.   
Sober, by Loreen, and Tool, and Pink are all amazing. And I Love the concept: PRESENCE.)

A FEW OF MY FAVOURITE THINGS...

The Sharehood  
Soulgarden.TV  
Bija Mantras taught to me by Shri Param Eswaran  
Sasha Cobra, educating men  
The Garbage Warrior  
Alchemy Realm for all your multi-dimensional knowledge  
Maalika Shay Devi Dasi ~ the Sarasota Mermaid, and her "Ma's Mudras"  
432Hz  
Roses, their Water, Oil, and Hz  
Australian Laser Clinic offer a discount for PCOS  
Astrodreamadvisor.com for a smorgasbord of health, starlight, and inspiration.   
Another Devi Brahmin and her journey: http://purnamshunyam.blogspot.com.au/2012/02/my-conversations-with-her-part-1.html

* 2013 The One People's Public Trust aka OPPT (foreclosed banks, governments, and corporations – did you know governments are unconstitutional, and are corporations?! Check out Courtesy Notices to notify anyone from old government that approaches you; fines, rates, debt ~ all over!!! The OPPT is why I'm here, on Earth.)

BOOKS:  
The Four Insights – Alberto Villoldo

Astrology for the Soul - Jan Spiller

Dancing in the Light - Shirley McLaine  
Even Cowgirls get the Blues – Tom Robbins  
Andrea Grant's MINX

The Hermetica – Timothy Freke and Peter Gandy  
An Introduction to Jung's Psychology – Frieda Fordham  
The Spiral Dance - Starhawk

ORGANS...

HEAL THYSELF, and those you Love

Keywords:  
Ibogaine  
Phoenix Tears  
Dr. Robert C.Beck

Firstly, Britt Eckland's beauty book is a fascinating read. She condones binge eating and suggests wearing a tampon until it is time to have sex with a lover "duck out, they won't notice". Her makeup routine has about 18 steps; and a different 'bed time' look.

(Just on the topic of tampons, every single life here was born from a bloody mess. Yet it seems no one wants to talk about it openly. I did once read by Caz Cooke in relation to the period that '...the only person who ever had a blue period was Picasso'. I thought it was really funny. While women need to be educated about their period before it comes, some are not. Carrie was not the only girl to fear her bloodletting.

I also think men should be educated about it too if they are to be working with women at any point of their life.

I Love Mr. Garrison from Southpark, saying: 'I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.'

Women bleed. Why should we have to pay for tampons and pads? We need them because bleeding freely unnerves people. It unnerves me. And no matter what I do, every month I have to confront my own painful, bloody mess. I wish it didn't hurt. I wish I loved it for its sacred life giving connection. But it's the kind of pain that needs to be healed on a much deeper level. First I need to accept being a woman. Embrace it. Then the body...it's a long road.

In the days before artificial lighting all the women would bleed together at the same time. It is well known that women who spend a lot of time together sync up. Since we are supposed to bleed with each other and the moon, I find the thought of the pill dangerous. It removes the female body from relating to its natural environment, giving it a more artificial vibe.

I understand the current state of the world is very unfortunate and women are suffering and bleeding to death, so I know you have to do what's right for you. However, I think given the state of Mother Earth, it is not unnatural for the women who belong to her to suffer as a reflection of her suffering, and, of course, to heal with her.

I want us all to get better soon. Now even.

~ Keywords:  
Lady Cup  
Para-Tan Sound Healing  
Alchemy Realm

Britt's book is so entertaining. She used to have beautiful bunny teeth that she decided to file down because she hated them and was angry at her baby for making her fat. I wonder if she was a Virgo? I think her husband Peter Sellers was...

Virgo's like Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse can't help but be so sensitive to criticism that it changes their entire life. They themselves are their own worst critic.

But I have a few recipes or ingredients for you here.

Trying to heal my own beast I have come across much helpful information that could benefit it all. It is all thanks to the mental archives I keep...and as a Virgo, things that are innate in me might be useful for you.

Most importantly – I am no doctor! Use information wisely; do your own validating research and check for disharmonious combinations. Think for yourself. Take care of yourself and each other. And of course, Mother Earth..

That Drink.

If you have too much fat that you don't want or if your liver could do with a revamp - drink this.

In a glass, I put a spoon of Malt extract (for the B Vitamins) and dissolve it in a little boiling water; Squeeze half a lemon or a whole one, top with water and a dash of cayenne pepper.

Instead of malt you can use; honey, maple syrup, molasses or anything you can think of.

The malt acts as food so you are not starving, the cayenne pepper (or chilli) increases your metabolism, creates healthy stomach and liver bile, allowing the lemon to eat fat cells and cleanse the liver.

Trust yourself when deciding because my mum couldn't have the cayenne pepper.

A mini fast would be three days of just drinking this.

I choose three days when the seasons are changing as that is when my digestive system gets confused and I don't feel like eating anything.

The first time I ate a little on the first day and the second night, but the third day I only wanted the drink. I drank it then for three days uninterrupted and in fact, decided to have it for breakfast for three more months. My body loves it.

Alkaline Shooter – add it to your life.  
1 Tbsp Turmeric  
1tsp Cayenne  
Olive Oil

Drink it down! I add some fresh lemon or lime juice.

Presents from Mother Nature

Herbs, roots, oils, and flowers are amazing friends from Mother Earth and just like everything natural, the Government tries it's very best to control...I can't really go there! It makes me really angry.

What you can do is grow a garden of medicinal herbs for you and your community; spread the word, because you have the power.

Skullcap: Is so nourishing to the nervous system it is like food. For anyone who is a bit brain damaged from drugs or an accident; it rebuilds the neurological pathways in the brain and I think it would be useful for things like MS, MND and Parkinson's.

It is great for anxiety, social phobias, if you can't sleep, if the drugs are bad, if you are surrounded by fear etc.

A great concoction to knock you out is: Skullcap, passionflower, chamomile, and lemon balm (a.k.a Melissa). Don't skimp on the dosage.

I had Skullcap for two months with Rosehips (which have 300x the vitamin c of oranges) when I was having fits and thought I was developing MS. I researched that MS was the deterioration of the myelin nerve sheaths, and I felt, in my body, that there was too much electricity. It was supposed to travel through the nerves, but it was as if a little mouse had started chewing holes in them, and I was electrocuting myself from the inside. Something in Spirulina can also rebuild the coating on the sheaths.

Think 'Skullcap' for someone who needs their brain screwed on a little tighter. They might be genius, but unable to get it out of their head. Good for wandering thoughts.

Damiana: Is a wonderful herb for feeling loved. For the best feeling, it can take up to two weeks of tea drinking each night, but it is worth it. It can therefore aid depression (L-Tyrosine is an excellent amino acid for severe depression ~ it made me bright.).  
Damiana has so many uses and can be used for sexual dysfunctions or enhancements. I guess it all depends on your personal relationship with the herb.

You can soak it in alcohol for a month with chillies (which release endorphins) and drink the concoction. I've heard it's fantastic.

Or you can replace alcohol with damiana if your liver is mad at you.

Damiana can tone the sexual organs and hormones.

Mullein: Can repair lung damage. Either as a tea or a smoke.

There is some controversy amongst my people where smoking it cannot possibly repair the lungs due to the sheer act of smoking it.

This is what I think:

I decided I enjoyed the act of smoking - it wasn't so much about being addicted. As I mentioned earlier, the world is toxic and so I have tried to build up some immunity to my dangerous environment. That plus - Native American Ritual. Anyway, I have smoked mullein and it opens the lungs, it is very light, non addictive and if you have never smoked, there is no point in starting - even with this. So, because it opens the lungs, mixing it with other substances allows them in deeper. But I think smoking it alone strengthens the lungs and repairs them. Making a tea would also be good if you feel more comfortable.

It is good for sore throats, coughs etc, and when I have the flu I smoke it to breathe better. Over time it may make you cough up stuff from inside your lungs – but this is a good thing. Since my nanna died with fluid on her lungs, I think if you start coughing that shit up now, it gets it out of you for good. Dying need not mean suffering.

'Either that wallpaper goes or I do."

Homoeopathic pulsatilla is also good for gross yellow substances. I think it would have helped my nanna. It cured my kittens from kitten flu.

Consult your homoeopath for more info.

Mugwort: Is a fun herb. You can use it as tea or put it under the pillow for astral travel, lucid dreaming or prophetic dreams. In 'Practical Magic', they use Mugwort to heal bruises. So you can make tea, or instead of drinking it you can wash with it or make a tincture. A tincture is when you soak the herb or root in alcohol (like brandy, kirsch or vodka – even tequila!) for about a month. The alcohol draws all the potency out of the herb into itself and you can then dispose of the fibres. You can add some honey or maple syrup for taste. I think Scullcap would be a good tincture because the people who need it are unlikely to drink the tea regularly. Too many important things...!

You consume a tincture either in drops or a spoon a day.

Be sensible!

Dong Quai: is great for women; that whole bleeding thing. If you bleed too much or too often; it can regulate the cycle and tone the uterus. Probably best to seek professional advice regarding this root as I'm not sure if the polycyst's or endo's should have it.

I must say I tried it for a time and it was remarkable. I had no psycho mood swings and in general, my mood had evened out. No depression! I felt my hormones were a gentle waterfall; not a monsoon. My favourite way to have it was a spoon of mortar and pestled root in lime cordial. Yum!

I have since invested in a hand held coffee grinder (I can't have coffee – ew. Even the smell of it makes me sick) and it kindly reduces dong quai to digestible dust.

Horsetail: Is rich in silica and is good for arthritis, rebuilding the skeletal system and connective tissues. It has been known to fill cavities in the teeth if it is drunk responsibly; three weeks on, one week off and only for a maximum of three months. If making a tea, it should be boiled for at least ten minutes as there is some chance of toxicity when consumed raw. Check it out if it interests you, as it 'may' push foreign things out of the body, including fillings!

Sage: Burn it to cleanse areas. Drink it to cleanse the self and to soothe period pain. There is no point in being attached to the idea that you are under attack, but incase you are, use it to create sanctuary.

I got so tired of feeling haunted. I stood up and said "Guess what. You're not here. I am. All my life all you've done is hang around, just there, doing nothing. Pfft." I got over 'them'. Boring. Plus my invisible entourage are pretty stellar..

Sage is the greatest. It strengthens the personal power of the person.

COCONUT OIL PULLING  
The mouth acts as a second liver. I got rid of a snotty cold in few hours!  
Can be used daily; a spoonful in the mouth and swished around for 10-20 minutes, then spit it out.

Coconut oil is good for everything you can possibly think of; from eczema, thrush, tinea, hair, skin, teeth, massage... from inside the body to outside the body ~ worth a research.

Don't Forget About Honey

Honey is so great and cures everything. When I say everything, I mean 'Don't Forget About Honey.' I had such painful reflux for about twenty hours – of course it had to be something I ate – but it wouldn't go away and I was about to cry and vomit nothing. I called out to the great beyond "What can I do?"

"Honey"

The intonation was the same as always. It reminded me to never forget about honey. So I had a spoon of honey (recommended dose) and voila! I had never been happier. I had about three spoons over the next hour or so subdue it completely, but for any ailment; don't forget about honey. Worst case scenario it doesn't hurt a bit. Tiny babies shouldn't have honey though. Honey would be well worth exploring further...

Propolis:  
If I feel a cold coming on, I have about 6 drops and the sickness never comes.

Roses and Breasts:  
Oh roses! Rose Oil, itself, has the Highest Vibration of all 350 Hz or something.  
Rosehip oil adds vitamin c to the area, restoring collagen and reminding the skin to repair itself. Good to mix with neroli for the skin and may just be useful instead of botox.  
Adding Rose Petals to your shampoo, or Rosemary...

For breast health; eat and drink lots of pineapple and sesame seeds; and a sesame oil massage works well. Maybe, maybe not the cooking kind, but you can only try it!  
Some 'herbs' for breasts are: Pueraria Mirifica, Fennell, Fenugreek, and Saw palmetto. Fenugreek promotes milk production and flow. Check out Chaste Tree Berry, too. I think I didn't pay too much attention to it because it has potentially dangerous side effects with the wrong hormones. Uncomfortable heart palpitations etc. Do your research!

It was a very interesting 'berry' for some of the polycyst's.  
Chaste Tree is also called Vitex.

Keyword:  
iHerb.com  
(DIW783 is a discount code)

Oils like neroli reduce pore size and enhance skin elasticity. It can be used anywhere externally, as I think it is edible. Neroli can be used on the face to reduce the pores that form blackheads or over stretch marks. They recommend mixing oils in a carrier oil, but I don't really care about that.  
Tamanu oil is supposed to be the best for scars, as it regenerates skin.

Bergamot oil is also good for pimples or skin cysts.

Lime oil is useful for corns or warts.

Pharmaceutical grade hydrogen peroxide as a face wash prevents acne and whitens and cleans as a mouthwash. Research its internal uses, too.

Olive oil massage for dry skin and dandruff. Jojoba and rosehip massage for dry skin

Also, sesame oil rubbed on the infection of ringworm kills it. Hooray!

If I were a normal girl, I would have Loved to work in a shop like 'Lush' ~ just making natural, amazing concoctions...

The visions from listening to "Horse Stories" by Dirty Three wrote this story when I was a teen. Which in turn, birthed a whole movie in my head that I've been writing since I was 17; the movie is about ascension and multi-dimensional awareness. It's called "Loved". For some reason, the title font was yellow cursive, on Blackness...)

DIRTY THREE......the story of a horse

I begin, traveling the thousand miles it takes to get to Spain. I watch the scenery go by, changing like the clouds. I hitch a ride to the town where I'm staying. We only make it to the highway, which is a dirt track. We go our separate ways and I meet Sue. Sue is on her horse, Apache. I walk alongside Apache and Sue. We are talking, and Sue is sad. She is looking down and I am looking up at her. Apache turns to me, his head, and his eyes are all shiny, glistening in the sunset. We walk in silence for a while, and I can hear my heart pounding. Trying to tell me something? Sue looks at me trying to tell me I have not helped her situation. It's hopeless. Sue looks straight ahead and Apache starts galloping, further and further in front. The horse stops short of the cliff and skids a little. Sue is thrown from him yet she does not scream. Sue is flying through the air and I can only watch, as Apache does. We turn away and I walk next to Apache for a while. Then he takes me into town.

He is outside my window, roaming. I think of Sue and the omen of new life. I hope she is alright. I hope for lots of things now. I sit in front of the mirror re-assessing myself. Hoping to run into someone who knew Sue. Maybe they could pass on her message. I unpack absentmindedly and dress myself in my red Spanish dress. I am a dancer and I get ready for tonight.

I ride Apache to the town's only pub. It is old and run down. There is no electricity, just candles upon the walls. The band is a group of dark Spanish men playing black acoustic guitars and string instruments. Nick Cave and I are flamenco dancers. These people here know us. He is dark, handsome, and tall. I am dark and beautiful. First we are slow and intense. Drawing from each other what we need to feel. We get closer and are perfection. We are good dancers. We start off with the tango then move into position and start an earth shattering flamenco roam with some audience members participating. They all watch us, and the ones who don't dance are all dancing on the inside. They all remember a time when once, they loved. The flamenco storm raged the pub. We can still hear our dance steps when it's over.

The man I love enters the pub, but I do not see him, he sees me dancing, not knowing it is me. He remembers a time when once I used to love him. I love dancing with Nick Cave. We smile at the band and they smile too. I am dancing for Sue, and Apache watches through the window. Finished; we clap for them.

Then I am at the bar.

Nick joins you as you join the stage. While I am waiting to order, my heart grows heavy, and I see at he other end of the bar, the man I love. I shake my head and shake him out of it. I can't believe I am seeing him now! It's not him. I open my eyes and he is gone. I order (I can never decide between a Bloody Mary or a whiskey and dry. It varies [These days it could only be Tequila as her tolerance for those spirits is now over and done]) and now waiting reminds me of him.

"Hello (me)" I turn to the right and he is there. "How have you been?"

"Well thank you (him). And you?"

"Yeah..." I have not seen him for too long. He didn't talk to me for a few years. So I left it all. And he is here now. I tried not to love him, but I do. He is watching you, I watch him watching you and I watch too. He says he saw me dancing but didn't think it was me.

"I remember a time when once you used to love me," He says to me. I fill with something and I feel like the violin. And it's all through my body. I cannot say I love you, even though I do.

The colour red is the high (est) light of my life. It is everything I love. It is my love, my life. It is my band. I often think that as powerful as Black may be, Red is just the difference. If they had sexes, Red would be the female equivalent to Black. Anyhow, I guess this is the sex scene. He says "I Love You" first. And we are very, very happy. But Warren, you are not.

And as we drift of to sleep, I begin to dream. I am a solitary man, no, I am changing. I am a horse. I am a dark mahogany colour, and I am in the country, surrounded by green, plush grass and slate grey mountains covered in snow. There are trees as tall and as wide as the sky. There is not a fence in sight. What is a fence? The sun has not yet risen, but happy as I am, I am warm. I walk into the distance where I encounter a shiny Black stallion. We walk into the woods. Very faintly we hear a beautiful girl singing. We go off in search of her. We are quiet, and when we do see something, it is a solitary man with a violin. We decide to leave him be, and we turn and continue walking. We think then, that we hear them singing together. We walk off into the rising sun.

I wake from my dream, the sun in my face. He is still sleeping; I rise too, and close the drapes. Again it is dark, and as I sleep in that world, I wake in this reality, knowing it had to come to this, knowing I must wake from all dreams, and live in the sunshine. Falling back and forth between the worlds.

This song being the last, makes me think so hard about wishing it would play forever. But I know it will end, so why can't I enjoy it through to the end and wake when there is no sound? I don't know but every time I will try. And one day, I will.

Marilyn Monroe's Transcript

Dear Doctor:

You have given me everything. Because of you I can now feel what I never felt before. She comes by herself and with somebody else. So now I am a whole woman (pun intended � like Shakespeare). So now I have control-- control of myself--control of my life.

What can I give you. Not money. I know that from me that means nothing to you. Not my body. I know your professional ethics and faithfulness to your wonderful wife make that impossible. What I am going to give you is my idea that will revolutionize psychoanalysis.

Isn't it true that the key to analysis is free association. Marilyn Monroe associates. You, my doctor, by understanding and interpretation of what goes on in my mind get to my unconscious which makes it possible for you to treat my neuroses and for me to overcome them. But when you tell me to relax and say whatever I am thinking, I blank out and have nothing to say; that's what you and Dr. Freud call resistance. So we talk about other things and I answer your questions as best I can. You are the only person in the world I have never told a lie to and never will.

Oh yes, dreams. I know they are important. But you want me to free associate about the dream elements. I have the same blanking out. More resistance for you and Dr. Freud to complain about.

I read his "Introductory Lectures," God, what a genius. He makes it so understandable. And he is so right. Didn't he say himself that Shakespeare and Dostoievski had a better understanding of psychology than all the scientists put together. Damn it, they do.

You told me to read Molly Bloom's mental meanderings (I can use words, can't I) to get a feeling for free association. It was when I did that I got my great idea.

As I read it something bothered me. Here is Joyce writing what a woman thinks to herself . Can he, does he really know her innermost thoughts. But after I read the whole book, I could better understand that Joyce is an artist who could penetrate the souls of people, male or female. It really doesn't matter that Joyce doesn't have ... or never felt a menstrual cramp. Wait a minute. As you must have guessed I am free associating and you are going to hear a lot of bad language. Because of my respect for you, I've never been able to say the words I'm really thinking when we are in session. But now I am going to say whatever I think, no matter what it is.

I can do that because of my idea which, if you'll be patient, I'll tell you about. That's funny. I ask you to be patient, but I am your patient. Yet to be patient and to be a patient makes a kind of Shakespearean sense, doesn't it

Back to Joyce. To me Leopold Bloom is a central character. He is the despised Irish Jew, married to an Irish Catholic woman. It is through them Joyce develops much of what he wants to say. Do you agree that the scene where Bloom is looking at the little girl on the swing is the most erotic in the book?

What is a Jew. In my business I have met and ... more Jews that I can count, and boy have I been screwed by some of them.

There are those who, I suppose, look Jewish but so do Arabs; there are others who are more blond and blue-eyed than Hitler ever was. And some in between that you can't tell if they are Jewish or not.

How do you think Hitler knew who were Jews to be killed. Couldn't be by looks alone. I have met too many German Jews who sure could be Hitler's Aryans by their looks.

I couldn't tell if you're Jewish by looking at you. Same with women.

Keep getting sidetracked. Well, that's what free association is.

OK, my idea! To start with there is the doctor and the patient. I don't like the word, analysand. It makes it seem like treating a sick mind is different from treating a sick body. However, you and Dr. Freud say the mind is part of the body. That makes the person getting treated a patient.

I'll bet Gertrude Stein would say a patient is a patient, is a patient. See, free association can be fun.

Anyway, you are in his office and the Doctor says I want you to say whatever you are thinking no matter what it is. And you can't think of a damn thing. How many times after a session I would go home and cry because I thought it was my fault.

While reading Molly's blathering, the IDEA came to me. Get a tape recorder. Put a tape in. Turn it on. Say whatever you are thinking like I am doing now. It's really easy. I'm lying on my bed wearing only a brassiere. If I want to go to the refrig or the bathroom, push the stop button and begin again when I want to.

And I just free associate. No problem. You get the idea, don't you. Patient can't do it in Doctor's office. Patient is at home with tape recorder. Patient free associates sans difficulty. Patient sends tape to Doctor. After he listens to it, Patient comes in for a session. He asks her questions about it, interprets it. Patient gets treated. Oh yes, she can put her dreams on the tape too � right when she has them. You know how I would forget what I dreamed or even if I dreamt at all.

Dr. Freud said dreams are the via regia to the unconscious and so I'll tell you my dreams on tape.

OK, Dr. Greenson. You are the greatest psychiatrist in the world. You tell me. Has Marilyn Monroe invented an important way to make psychoanalysis work better. After you listen to my tapes and use them to treat me, you could publish a paper in a scientific journal, Wouldn't that be sensational. I don't want any credit. I don't want to be identified in your paper. It's my present to you. I'll never tell anybody about it. You will be the first to let your profession know how to lick resistance. Maybe you could patent the idea and license it to your colleagues. Ask Micky.

You are the only person who will ever know the most private, the most secret thought of Marilyn Monroe. I have absolute confidence and trust you will never reveal to a living soul what I say to you.

What I told you is true when I first became your patient. I had never had an orgasm. I well remember you said an orgasm happens in the mind, not the genitals. ...

It doesn't bother me, but this damn free association could drive somebody crazy. Oh, oh, crazy makes me think about my mother. I am not going to free associate about her right now. Let me finish my thoughts about orgasms.

You said there was an obstacle in my mind that prevented me from having an orgasm; that it was something that happened early in my life about which I felt so guilty that I did not deserve to have the greatest pleasure there is; that it had to do with something sexual that was very wrong, but my getting pleasure from it caused my guilt That it was buried in my unconscious. Through analysis we would bring it to my conscious mind where we could get to the guilt and free me to be orgasmic. Well, we sure worked it and got nowhere. I'd go home and cry and vomit from the frustration. Then you said for the orgasm problem we'll try a different approach. That you would tell me how to stimulate myself, that when I did exactly what you told me to do I would have an orgasm and that after I did it to myself and felt what it was, I would have orgasms with lovers. What a difference a word makes. You said I would, not I could.

Bless you, Doctor. What you say is gospel to me. By now I've had lots of orgasms. Not only one, but 2 and 3 with a man who takes his time.

I never cried so hard as I did after my first orgasm. It was because of the years I had ...never had an orgasm.

What wasted years. How can I describe to you, a man, what an orgasm feels like to a woman. I'll try.

Think of a light fixture with a rheostat control. As you slowly turn it on, the bulb begins to get bright, then brighter and brighter and finally in a blinding flash is fully lit. As you turn it off it gradually becomes dimmer and at last goes out.

It is so good ... Doctor, I worship you.

I have a dream for you. I dreamt that I was sitting on Clark Gable's lap with his arms around me. He said: "They want me to do a "Gone With the Wind" sequel. Maybe I will if you will be my Scarlett." I woke up crying.

They called him King and God knows he was that. What respect and deference he had from the actors and crew, even that ... Huston. Some day I hope I'll be treated like that. He was Mr. Gable to everybody on the set, but he made me call him Clark.

He had such concern for the animals. Even though there were Humane Society inspectors all over the place, he kept ordering that nobody hurt the horses. Ironical, it was a horse that hurt him. I was told after he was dragged and the horse calmed down, he stroked his muzzle and gave him a piece of sugar.

He was so nice to me and I didn't deserve it. I was having problems with Arthur and being sick and I held up the shooting a lot. Clark protected me from Huston who kept giving me a bad time.

In the kissing scenes, I kissed him with real affection. I didn't want to go to bed with him, but I wanted him to know how much I liked and appreciated him.

He told me he had been a hunter for a long time, but he had decided not to kill animals. He said if he had children, he would teach them to hunt with a camera instead of a gun.

When I came back from a day off the set, he patted my ass and told me if I didn't behave myself, he would give me a good spanking. I looked him in the eye and said: " Don't tempt me," He burst out laughing so hard he was tearing

Because of his performance I've seen "Gone With the Wind's over and over again. He was perfect.

It makes me so mad I could scream. Those Academy ... didn't award him the Oscar. He should have won hands down.

All right that was a long time ago. I must have been about 13. I have never seen a man who was as romantic as he was in that picture.

It was different when I got to know him. Then I wanted him to be my father. I wouldn't care if he spanked me as long as he made up for it by hugging me and telling me I was Daddy's little girl and he loved me. Of course that's fantasy.

Ever since you let me be in your home and meet your family, I've thought about how it would be if I were your daughter instead of your patient. I know you couldn't do it while I'm your patient, but after you cure me, maybe you could adopt me. Then I'd have the father I've always wanted and your wife whom I adore would be my mother, and your children, brothers and sisters.

No, Doctor, I won't push it. But it's beautiful to think about it I guess you can tell I'm crying, I'll stop now for a little bit.

When Clark Gable died, I cried for 2 days straight. I couldn't eat or sleep. It was some comfort to remember I'd make him laugh like that. Is there a God. He must be cruel for not letting Clark live to teach his son to hunt with a camera.

Speaking of Oscars, I would win overwhelmingly if the Academy gave an Oscar for faking orgasms. I have done some of my best acting convincing my partners I was in the throes of ecstasy. If he were alive I'd have Johnny Hyde be the presenter. ...

Johnny Hyde was special. He wasn't a lot to look at. A little shrimp. Little shrimp, is that redundant or tautological. I always get them mixed up. Anyway, he only came up to my chin.

Johnny was a cocky character. There was no better agent in the business. The studio bosses and casting directors respected him. His word was gold. You didn't need any damned lawyers when he made a deal.

... how that man took care of me. He divorced his wife and bought a house for us to live in, bought my clothes, paid my hairdresser and cosmetic bills and medical expenses. He was my agent and got me better parts and more money than I had before.

Funny though. He always took his agent fee. Said it kept me professional and then he'd turn around and spend a fortune on me.

There was a lot of talk that he did all this to get me to marry him. And I probably would have if he wanted me to. But the truth is he thought marriage would hurt my career. He said if I did what he told me, he'd make me a big star...

I was everything to him: wife, mother, sister, daughter, mistress. Nobody will or could love me as much as Johnny H. I loved the little guy, but I was never in love with him. I'd do anything he wanted and I've only skimmed the surface in what I've said. But I just couldn't have the kind of love for him that he had for me.

We both knew he had a bad heart. His doctor told him if he wanted to stay alive, he should stop seeing me and retire from his work, He didn't and died suddenly before he could keep his promise to put me in his will. C'est la vie.

The talk went around that his relationship with me killed Johnny. They are wasting their time trying to make me feel guilty. I gave Johnny the greatest happiness he ever had. He wouldn't have traded a day of it for a year of life.

[Miner notes: Topic: "Taxicab Drivers". Here is what I remember]

(Monroe rhetorically asks Greenson how the most famous woman in the world could go to a strange man and ask him a question. She answers by saying: Use a taxicab driver. She got the idea from reading about or hearing of a Caliph or Sultan who went out incognito among his people to find out what they thought of him. She wanted to take a poll. So she disguised herself with a brunette wig - no make up - horn rimmed glasses, an amorphous garment and gave the driver $10 to answer the question: Name the woman you would most want to sleep with. She intended a jury of 12, but only asked 9. Six said Marilyn Monroe. She gave the responses of the other 3, but I don't remember them. It excited her that they did not know her identity.)

There's a radio ... trying to restart a fire under the old so called Crawford-Monroe feud. OK, she said some mean things about me a while back. What do I care. I don't know why she did. Crawford and I started out friendly. As always, Shakespeare said it best; "He that takes from me my good name robs me of that which not enriches him and make me poor indeed." No, Doctor, I did not look it up. I've memorized a lot of Shakespeare. That reminds me of Prince and the Showgirl.

Olivier came into my dressing room to give me hell for screwing up. I soothed him by telling him I thought his Hamlet was one of the greatest films ever made. You know he won an Oscar for it

But the Prince was a real .... He was superficial -- no, that's not the word � supercilious, arrogant, a snob, conceited. Maybe a little bit anti-Semitic in the sense of some of my best friends are Jews. But, damn him, a great, great actor.

At a party he told a couple of Jewish jokes. Arthur says his Yiddish accent was perfect. I told him Lee Strasberg said I had Shakespeare in me. What did he think. Olivier said, Marilyn, if you worked with Lee harder than you ever worked and get the basics, come to me and I'll help you do it. Here's what you're in for. And Olivier recited Shakespeare for 2 hours. Everything from Hamlet to Shylock. It was magic. I've never heard anything so magnificent. He ended with: "She should have died hereafter. There would have for such a word. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle. Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Olivier said: "That says it all," smiled and left. I sat and cried with joy for being so privileged.

Oh yes, Crawford....

We went to Joan's bedroom ... Crawford had a gigantic orgasm and shrieked like a maniac. Credit Natasha. She could teach more than acting.

Next time I saw Crawford she wanted another round. I told her straight out I didn't much enjoy doing it with a woman. After I turned her down, she became spiteful. An English poet best describes it: hath no rage like love to hatred turned; and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned � most people wrongly credit that to Shakespeare. William Congreve is the author. That's me, Marilyn Monroe, the classical scholar.

About enemas. You and Dr. Freud say every child goes through an anal development stage when the child first gets to neural control of the anal sphincters. Dr. Freud says the sexual and the excremental are always mixed together. You told me that childhood experiences during the anal development stage can cause a fixation which play a part in later sexual development. Maybe that happened to me and we'll get at it in analysis. You know I have a very poor memory of my early childhood... I began remembering a little bit about the enemas I had as a child. They were what you and Dr. Freud call repressed memories. I'll work on it and give you another tape.

But Doctor, I don't understand this big taboo about enemas. Most of the actresses I know use them, even some who won't admit it.

Mae West told me she is given an enema every day and she has at least one orgasm a day... Mae says her enemas and orgasms will keep her young until she is 100. I hope she makes it. A nice lady even though she turned down making a picture with me. That just shows how smart she is.

Peter Lawford...says the Queen and noblewomen of the court of Louis XIV were given frequent enemas with by special servants called apothecaries. The purpose was to give them peaches and cream complexions... Something about intestinal toxins getting into the blood. So there you are. Those ladies were doing the intelligent thing. ...

Yes, I enjoy enemas, so what!

But lets get to something serious Doctor, I want you to help me get rid of Murray. While she was giving me an enema last night I was thinking to myself Lady, even though you're very good at this, you've got to go. But how? I can't flat out fire her. Next thing would be a book "Secrets of Marilyn Monroe by her Housekeeper." She'd make a fortune spilling what she knows and she knows too damn much.

How about this- You tell her you have a seriously sick and suicidal patient or locate one somehow. That the patient is in urgent need of Murray's services. I graciously with tears in my eyes agree to part with her. I'll give her a substantial severance bonus, but she'll have to sign a contract not to write or give interviews about me. Ask Micky if a contract like that can be made to stick. -

Doctor, the fact is we just plain don't like each other. I can't put up with her insolence and disregard for anything I ask her to do. If you have a better idea please let me know what it is.

Another problem that is bothering me. A...named Slatzer is running around saying awful lies about being my husband and what I am like in bed. I asked Frank Sinatra what I could do. He said, Marilyn baby, ignore it. If you take on one of these ... you make him bigger and yourself smaller. I suppose if anyone knows Frank should. He is a man at the top of his profession and is a fine actor as well. (You know, he got an Oscar for "From Here to Eternity"). He has helped more people anonymously than anybody else. And the miserable ... press smears him with lies about his being involved with the Mafia and gangsters. And Frank just takes it.

What a wonderful friend he is to me. I love Frank and he loves me. It is not the marrying kind of love. It is better because marriage can't destroy it. How well I know. Marriage destroyed my relationship with two wonderful men.

Joe D. loves Marilyn Monroe and always will. I love him and always will. But Joe couldn't stay married to Marilyn Monroe, the famous movie star. Joe has an image in his stubborn Italian head of a traditional Italian wife. She would have to be faithful, do what he tells her, devote all of herself to him. Doctor, you know that's not me. There is no way I could stop being Marilyn Monroe and become someone else to save our marriage. It didn't take too long before we both realized that and ended our marriage. But we didn't end our love for each other. Any time I need him, Joe is there. I couldn't have a better friend.

It's different with Arthur. Marrying him was my mistake, not his. He couldn't give me the attention, warmth and affection I need. It's not in his nature. Arthur never credited me with much intelligence. He couldn't share his intellectual life with me. As bed partners we were so-so. He was not that much interested. You know I think his little Jewish father had more genuine affection for me than Arthur did.

I loved the little Jew and his quaint Jewishness. But the Jewish religion never got to me ... Maybe he is a fine creative writer, I suppose so.

Arthur didn't know film and how to write for it. Misfits was not a great film because it wasn't a great script .Gable, Monroe, Clift, Wallach, Huston. What more could you ask. I'll tell you. There has to be a story as good as the talent who play it. If you put Jesus Christ in a bad script it would be a flop. You know why those religious theme pictures like Ben Hur and the Ten Commandments are so successful. Because the Bible is a ... good script.

I stood naked in front of my full length mirrors for a long time yesterday. I was all made up with my hair done. What did I see. My breasts are beginning to sag a bit. ... My waist isn't bad. My ass is what it should be, the best there is. Legs, knees and ankles still shapely. And my feet are not too big. OK, Marilyn, you have it all there. It is decision time.

If I have to do any more pictures for those ... at Fox, I am going to be the highest paid actress in Hollywood, double what they pay Taylor, and a piece of the gross. I'll choose the script, director and cast. The pictures will be box office hits. I'll put part of the millions I make in no-risk investments. The rest I'll use to finance my plan.

I'll take a year of day and night study of Shakespeare with Lee Strasberg. I'll pay him to work only with me. He said I could do Shakespeare. I'll make him prove it. That will give me the basics Olivier wanted. Then I'll go to Olivier for the help he promised. And I'll pay whatever he wants.

Then I'll produce and act in the Marilyn Monroe Shakespeare Film Festival which will put his major plays on film. I'll need you to keep me together for a year or more. I'll pay you to be your only patient.

Oh, I made you another present. I have thrown all my ... pills in the toilet. You see how serious I am about this.

I've read all of Shakespeare and practiced a lot of lines. I won't have to worry about the scripts. I'll have the greatest script writer who ever lived working for me and I don't have to pay him.

Oh, Monroe will have her hand in. I am going to do Juliet first. Don't laugh. What with what make-up, costume and camera can do, my acting will create a Juliet who is 14, an innocent virgin, but whose budding womanhood is fantastically sexy.

I've some wonderful ideas for Lady Macbeth and Queen Gertrude. I feel certain I'll win an Oscar for one or more of my Shakespearean women.

Yes, Doctor, this is what I am going to do. I owe it to you, Doctor, that I can.

Marilyn Monroe is a soldier. Her Commander in Chief is the greatest and most powerful man in the world The first duty of a soldier is to obey her Commander in Chief. He says "do this." You do this. He says "do that." You do that.

This man is going to change our country. No child will go hungry. No person will sleep in the street and get his meals from garbage cans. People who can't afford it will get good medical care. Industrial products will be the best in the world. No, I'm not talking Utopia -- that's an illusion, but he will transform America today like FDR did in the 30's. You don't think you're hearing me do you. You're right. And he'll do for the world what he'll do for America � transform it for the better. I tell you, Doctor, when he has finished his achievements he will take his place with Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and FDR as one of our greatest Presidents.

I'm glad he has Bobby. It's like the Navy. The President is the Captain and Bobby is his Executive Officer. Bobby would do absolutely anything for his brother. And so would I.

I'll never embarrass him. As long as I have memory I have John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

But Bobby, Doctor, what should I do about Bobby. As you see there is no room in my life for him. I guess I don't have the courage to face up to it and hurt him. I want someone else to tell him its over. I tried to get the President to do it, but I couldn't reach him. Now I'm glad I couldn't. He is too important to ask. You know when I sang Happy Birthday for him ... Maybe I should stop being a coward and tell him myself. But because I know how much he'll be hurt I don't have the strength to hurt him.

I think what's happened to Bobby is that he has stopped having good sex with his wife for some time. ... Well when he starts having sex with the body all men want, his Catholic morality has to find a way to justify cheating on his wife. So love becomes his excuse. And if you love enough, you can't help it and you can't be blamed. All right, Doctor, that's Marilyn Monroe's analysis of Bobby's love for me. And now I understand it for what it is, I'm not going to have any problem handling it myself . What is amazing is I solved my problem just through the free associating I did for you. ...

Well, that's something for you to sleep on, Doctor.

Good Night.

And I just free associate. No problem. You get the idea, don't you? Patient can't do it in Doctor's office. Patient is at home with tape recorder ...

Well, that's something for you to sleep on, Doctor.

Good Night.

(I recently read this – and it healed everything that had been leaking from my Cosmic meeting with "Charles". It sealed, and completed my story.)

Twin Souls: Reclaiming the Self

What are Twin Souls?

A set of twin souls shares identity energetically. In the very beginning before there was any sense or feeling of separation, twin souls were ONE soul - male and female energies in ONE. There was no separate identity or consciousness of the male and female energies. As a result of the separation at the dawn of times in human history, two different personalities of what was ONE once were created. You can very well understand that when the two halves of what used to be ONE meet again on earth after many years and lives of separation and "unconscious" longing for each other, the physical meeting and union itself is a very intense, indescribable event at the human level where the two halves of the same soul get to face and feel deep, hidden feelings in themselves that can have been denied for lifetimes.

The feelings that can have been denied throughout many lives could have been that the twin souls have had to deny WHO they really are at the very core of their soul. There could have been many reasons for this, but most likely people tend to feel alienated from themselves because they have felt that there were outer standards or other people they have had to live up to. The "trick" is to realize the time when one did experience a loss of self due to the influence or expectations of other people.

The Physical Meeting

When the twin souls meet physically, many experience a deep kundalini rising and fusion that leaves the twin halves forever changed. It is such a deep experience, so that the twin souls cannot go back to how they were before the meeting, because through the intense union a stronger sense of Self of each of them has been born which means that they will be forced to look upon themselves in a completely different way. It might take years for one to feel how much one has changed in the Self due to the twin soul union, but as time goes by an integration or birth of ones real self is starting to take place.

For many this will happen during some sort of separation from the twin soul. When twin souls meet and merge into each other, the ecstasy of feeling the ONENESS is unlike any other love union the two persons involved can experience on earth. Twin Souls are still ONE soul, but they are also a product of their human lives and existence away from each other. This means that the paradox of being one, also means that each of them has each their different individuality/personality that has been created during the times of separation.

On these grounds when you meet your twin soul, you will meet a separate human being, unique in him/herself with his/her experiences of life. Many people think that when you meet your twin soul, you meet yourself. To the degree that twin souls share the same blueprint energetically this is true, but when you meet your twin soul, you will also meet a human being that because of the physical aspects of being human can have lived a life either very similar to yours or completely different. It is true that twin souls often share interests, but they are still two separate human beings.

Meeting the twin physically on earth is a deeply personal and very transformative experience due to the fusion of the two into ONE. If the twin souls are meant to unite physically, spiritually and sexually, nothing can stand in their way of union. This means that very often twin soul couples will experience an intense feeling of "love at first sight" and despite the fact that they might not know each other physically before they meet, they will nevertheless merge intensely into each other at very deep levels. When twin souls meet and merge into each other after they have just met and it is "love at first sight", it will often leave them with a feeling of mystery and wonder as to what happened.

The union of the twin souls and merging into ONE again leads to a process that the twin souls very often must go through individually. This means that even if they are in a "relationship" with the other half, individually they will go through a process of facing deep issues within themselves as a result of the twin union. The twin souls will grow from their physical meeting and change very deeply, but a very profound and deeply personal process and transformation starts with the first merging of the twin souls. Many sets of twin souls experience a short meeting very often early in life and from there they separate, not necessarily because each of them want to, but because there is no other way for their shared soul to begin to grow individually. The purpose of their first, and perhaps short merging on earth to begin with in this present life is that they will again reunite at a later time. They will and can reunite at the time when they are SAFE and STRONG in their individual Selves.

Other sets of twin souls know each other throughout life and stay in close contact, but they will still be forced to face issues in themselves individually, because they have merged so deeply into each other. At the first meeting when the twin souls reconnect at the physical level, they will merge into each other to experience the ONENESS again and in their shared soul this feeling of ONENESS cannot ever be forgotten, but they cannot be TWO IN ONE, if they don't know HOW TO BE THEMSELVES individually. The reason why they cannot be TWO IN ONE if they don't know who they are individually is that they cannot depend on the other half to get a sense of Self and to get a feeling of who they are individually. If they depend on the other half to get a sense of who they are individually, they will never be able to exist as individual human beings on this earth. They will never be able to find peace, harmony, and balance in themselves individually because they will need the other half to give them what they need to find in themselves individually.

On earth we cannot live in a "merged" relationship without having a strong sense of individuality. A lot of people will probably say: "of course I know how to be myself – I have lived as myself my entire life", the thing just is that the whole feeling of who a person really is at the level of the Self, changes deeply as a result of the twin soul merging. This means that before the merging with the twin soul a person could have had an idea of who he/she is, but meeting the other half of oneself leads to an awakening of the Self and an even stronger feeling of the person he/she really is deep down. Through the twin soul union you get to open up to deep feelings and a knowledge of who you are in the deepest corners of your soul. You will be overwhelmed with feelings you never thought possible. The identical energies of your twin soul has pushed you further into yourself. You have become more of what you already are.

Recognizing The Twin Soul

The twin souls recognize each other instinctively when they meet. This means that it is not a conscious recognition where both of them state that they are twin souls. It is not a physical recognition, but a recognition that happens in the soul. The twin souls are drawn to each other, they merge instinctively and become ONE the way they have always been. In order to really know that your twin soul is your twin, you must meet and merge with him/her physically. You cannot know that your twin is really your twin unless you have met and merged with him/her physically, emotionally, spiritually or sexually. The merging at the physical level is very important in order for the twin souls to ground their relationship and twin soul process on earth. Twin souls meet physically to be "forced" to be present on earth, so that they can feel fully and be in their physical bodies.

This day today many say they meet their twin souls online. This can be true, but if you have not met your twin in body and felt the intense union, you will not be pushed further into your own Self as a result of the union. Sometimes twins do not unite sexually, but they can still meet physically and merge spiritually. The physical meeting itself no matter how it is can lead to the union of the energies, but with a physical aspect such as for instance sex, the twin souls are pushed further into their individual selves. There is a huge difference between having met and bonded with the twin physically and staying in some sort of correspondence online where the communication is more intellectual than it would be if the twin souls merged physically. If the twin souls meet physically the union will happen as a result of the deepest instincts in both of them. When you recognize your twin soul, you will see yourself in the eyes of the other half. You will feel that you have finally come home and when you talk with the other half, it feels like you have known each other forever. All of it will seem very natural and the sexual union with the twin soul will feel like the most natural thing in the world.

During the spiritual, physical and/or sexual union of the twin souls, they will experience a kundalini rising. This means that all the chakras will be activated, they will merge at all levels. The people who experience kundalini rising feel that they have been connected with their Higher Selves and a process begins where the knowledge of you being a spiritual being becomes even more intense after the twin soul union. Kundalini rising is like getting strong electricity through your entire physical body. It can be such an intense experience, so not only will you feel an out of body experience and another state of consciousness, but you can also experience physical change afterwards as a result of the twin union and the powerful kundalini rising, because you pick up on higher spiritual energies. Very often the kundalini rising can also lead to a person being less physically grounded on earth. Exactly for this reason it is even more important to get in deep contact with the physical body in order to stay grounded on earth when it comes to the twin soul process.

Other More Profound Ways Of Recognizing The Twin Soul

Twin Souls usually merge into each other when they unite physically and spiritually, but besides from the twin souls experiencing a deep and life-changing union, there are other ways you can know that you are in the same room with your twin soul. You can recognize your twin soul's voice even though you have never heard his/her voice before.

Hearing your twin soul's voice will often sound as the voice of your own soul speaking to you and you recognize the voice in a deep place within yourself. This in itself is a very profound experience, knowing and feeling you are recognizing a voice you might have never heard before. It feels like a welcoming voice inviting you home. Your twin soul's name although you have never heard the name before might be familiar to you, almost as if you already know the name of him/her. It is almost as if you feel that you could have had that name had you been the opposite sex of what you are.

Your twin soul's name will almost feel to you as if it is the perfect name for him/her. There can be many reasons why you recognize your twin soul's name. One of the reasons could be that before you incarnated you and your twin soul made plans to meet in a physical life and at this time before incarnating you already knew the name your twin soul was going to have in the specific physical life. If you are younger than your twin soul, you have incarnated at a later time and you might have observed your twin soul's early years in the physical body before you incarnated yourself. You might also feel that if you had incarnated as the opposite sex of what you are, you could have looked exactly like your twin soul.

Twin souls tend to look alike physically from time to time even if they don't have the same sex, race, or age. Some twin souls experience a huge weight loss as a result of the union both because of the shock of meeting each other, but also due to the kundalini rising and intense energy exchange between the two of them. I heard of one woman who lost 10 pounds within one week because of her meeting with her twin soul.

What According To Our Human Eyes Seems To Be A Withdrawal Of The Male Half From His Female Half - The Difference Between Men And Women

Many female halves acknowledge to themselves directly that they have met and bonded with the male halves of themselves. The female halves are naturally connected and one with their feelings. The male halves seem to be living less in their feelings and therefore according to the women the men seem to be less emotional. The real truth might be a different story. And nothing is this "black and white" when it comes to twin souls. Sometimes it feels to the women through their human eyes that the male reactions to having met their female halves will lead to the men withdrawing emotionally from their female halves. At the human level the female half will often conclude that her male half didn't recognize her as his twin soul because he did not openly declare and acknowledge the twinship or tell her how he feels deep inside. Female halves long to hear that their men know the truth of them being twin souls. As a woman the female half wants to hear the very words "twin souls" come out of his mouth. This is what many women long to hear from their male halves.

To me twin souls make out a whole and a unit. This means that at the soul level both do recognize each other, but the reactions to this recognition vary between the male and female halves. The female halves live so much in their feelings and they often find it very difficult that their male halves seem to withdraw and in some cases the shock of meeting the other half and uniting at such deep levels lead to the twin souls not being able to talk at the human level about what actually happened. The female halves tend to want to talk about the connection openly, but talking can be painful or difficult for the male half, because he could have been living less in his feelings for many lives. It often seems to the man that his woman can "read" him and he tends to not like to feel vulnerable around her. What the man doesn't realize is that if he allows himself to be with one with his feelings, he would also be able to "read" her, and she would feel vulnerable as well.

Conflicts between twin souls often arise when the female twins long for an emotional reaction from their male counterparts and for some reason the male halves do not feel ready to open up. Female halves are so much one with their feelings, so sometimes they tend to push things instead of "letting go". Female "halves" tend to act directly on their feelings because they want an emotional result of what they feel. We don't realize that as male and female "halves" we are more alike than we think. All of us have both male and female energies in us and if we can achieve an inner balance within ourselves, we can understand the other half more clearly. And therefore there would be no misunderstandings between men and women. We don't always see as clearly with our human eyes, compared to the eyes of our souls.

The female polarized twin soul carries the fruit of the twin soul union, but this doesn't mean that the male "halves" don't possess wisdom. If the men surrender to their inner female, they get access to the inner wisdom within themselves. When twin souls meet physically, the male half is the one who gives his female twin "access" to the wisdom in her soul. The male half does "need" the emotional and spiritual insight of his own inner female and female twin, but if the twin souls have been separated for many lives and have many wounds in them due to past lives, difficult relationships and time apart, it can be difficult for him to open up and "accept" the knowledge offered to him by his female half and inner female. It is a question of inner balance.

It is important to know that it is not possible from the human point of view to control the twin soul process itself. The only thing that you can control as a soul half is yourself. Many female halves tend to over function in many aspects of their lives, both when it comes to family or their men. Overall this has to do with a deep fear of loss. Over functioning always has to do with trying to help other people. It means that you don't trust other people to be strong enough to deal with their own healing or growth, and at deeper levels it has to do with lack of trust in yourself controlled by the fear of a deep existential loss. Therefore, female halves must "connect" and unite with their inner male, balance themselves, and let go of doing, taking action, and living in the illusion that they can control things.

Homosexual twin soul relationships

Sometimes a set of twin souls incarnate as the same sex. There can be many reasons for this. All twin soul relationships are between male and female energies of the same soul. This means that it doesn't matter if we think of ourselves as heterosexual or homosexual. If you meet your twin soul, one of you will be the female half and the other will be the male half, no matter what gender each of you have. This means that each and every person that meets his/her twin soul will go through the same processes that I have described here. When you meet your twin soul, you will be forced to face your Self.

When we talk about heterosexual or homosexual relationships we focus on the gender of the physical body instead of the gender of the soul. At the level of the energies when twin souls meet, they will be drawn to each other no matter what gender they have. This means that sometimes the male and female halves of the same soul meet and both of them can be incarnated in women's or in men's bodies.

Twin Souls & Sex

The Sexual Merging

The sexual contact between twin souls is very primal, raw, and at the same time highly spiritual. The instinctive kind of sexuality between twin souls means that at the human level it can be hard for the twins to put these feelings into words and it is, therefore, only in the sexual act that the "real" talk between the two of them will be expressed. The more the twin souls merge sexually, the stronger they get in their individual selves. The twin souls were always one, but at their physical and sexual merging into each other, they become the WHOLE SOUL, and there is no individual sense of who is who.

The individuality of each of them cease to exist when they merge into each other. They are "just" ONE and feel this ONENESS. They can stay in this feeling of ONENESS as long as they are merged into each other, physically, spiritually and sexually, but when the merging into each of them stops and they start being two individuals again, the feeling of the loss of the other half is so painful, so that at the very level of your own soul you can feel that a part or half of yourself is missing. Sexually there is a clear distinction between the male and female half of the same soul. Energetically the female half is the one who "surrenders" herself to her male half in the sexual act. He, on the other hand, is the one in sexual lead in the act of love making. This means that with the twin souls, there is a male and female kind of sexuality.

It is all a reflection of their male and female energies and how each of them is at the very level of their soul. The understanding of the male and female halves must be understood in the way that during our many physical incarnations the male and female halves of the twin souls have both tried to be both men and women in physical lives. This means for instance that the female half, incarnated as a physical man might have met her twin half in another life incarnated as a woman. This still happens in our time and age, although there is a tendency that many twin souls that do meet and unite, have incarnated as their REAL SEX, meaning WHO THEY ARE AT THE SOUL LEVEL and THEREFORE they must identify with their physical body to be their REAL SELVES. At the soul level this means that the each of the halves polarize and become even more man and woman while they are still united and balanced with the inner opposite gender within.

The intensity and complexity of the twin soul relationship on earth leads to the fact the twin souls often separate if they are not ready to be together at the human level. A remarkable inner journey starts to take place after the twin souls have merged on earth. They have become "more" themselves than what they were before. A new sense of Self of who they are at the very center and core of their souls has been born. They feel changed, but often at first it can be hard to put into words exactly what has happened. The separation is therefore, often, "planned" before incarnating such as the meeting is also "planned". I do not want the word "planned" to sound too metaphysical, but what happens is that at the human level it feels like the twin souls are "forced" apart to grow individually. Now growth has nothing to do with being a better soul, for the twin souls the spiritual growth has to do with the accelerating sense and feeling of the Self. It is a journey into a new sense of consciousness of ones Self.

Very often people who have been united with their twins feel helpless when they feel and see that they are being separated from their twin souls again. The separation leads to a lot of pain, anger, and frustration. Sometimes the separation from the twin soul is so painful so that people get physically ill, because they feel the part of themselves missing and it almost feels like missing a vital part of ones physical body. This can lead to physical illness. During the separation the twin souls must feel and reconnect with their own inner selves to be able to feel the bond with their twin souls. The union and merging has led to the fact that their newly joined energies have made them deeply telepathic with each other. If you think of the fact that the union has made the two one, you can very well know that if you have met your twin, you can never be sure if what you feel is your own feelings or the feelings of your twin. As the twin souls are separated after the merging, some will begin to search in the outer sense for the twin. They will do everything possible to reconnect with the twin in the outer sense, so they do not have to feel the loss inside themselves. This outer search is very painful and sooner or later one will feel that there is no other way to connect with the twin than to reach for the deepest place in ones own inner Self. It is a journey where a soul who has experienced the loss and separation from the twin, will begin to feel very different and alienated from other people who have not experienced meeting their twins. When you feel the loss of your twin you can feel alone when you are around other people, because no one else, but your twin knows you the way you know yourself.

What happens in the twin soul process and why are many sets of twin souls separated?

When people first realize that they are being separated from their twin souls and it all seems out of their hands to control, many will find themselves in a state of panic and desperation. Being separated from the twin soul, feels like a deep loss of yourself. This loss is excruciatingly painful and at times a soul half, feeling the loss of the twin soul, can find it hard to know what to do with these feelings. Sooner or later you will begin to feel that you must "surrender" yourself to the spiritual and very emotional process that starts to take place at the inner levels. You realize that exactly when it comes to the twin soul process, you don't seem to be able to be in control. You cannot control when and how to reunite with your twin soul.

This means that the entire twin soul journey begins both with feeling the ONENESS with the twin and from there feeling the loss of the twin and feeling the loss of oneself and the "person" one used be with the twin, before there was any of separation at the dawn of times. I feel that when you have felt the union and ONENESS with your twin, you also feel and have an unconscious memory of how you used to be before you experienced the separation and split from your twin soul in the beginning of human history. No matter how the journey is of each twin soul couple on earth, each of them will after the merging, be "forced" deeply to FACE THEIR INDIVIDUAL SELVES. There will always be an intense mirroring between twin souls, but the mirroring can feel more intense if the twin souls haven't faced their inner, individual selves and wounds. In order to heal your wounds you must face your inner self and learn to accept yourself for who you are, otherwise the reflection of your twin soul will feel very intense and you will feel there is no place to hide (from yourself).

Synchronicities & Dreams - The Universe Tries To Get Your Attention

If you have met and bonded with your twin soul, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, you will most likely experience a series of synchronicities and dreams that reveal to you that you go through a unique, spiritual change in your life. You might already be aware what is going on, but sometimes if you look for an "external" explanation, you can experience that the universe gives you specific signs. This could be revealing dreams where you get to see the truth of the matter. You might even have prophetic dreams where things about to happen in a near future are revealed to you.

Synchronicities tend to come our way if we have a struggle with our intellect of some kind and we try to convince ourselves that we don't really go through this, we have just made it all up. Sometimes things seem too profound and overwhelming to be true and having been faced with the other half of our own being can just be too amazing to be true. Therefore, the universe sends us Synchronicities to show us that we are heading in the right direction.

Separation & Facing The Self

You cannot get to your twin in anyway if you don't face yourself. You must face all issues in yourself in every way and individually. You cannot get to your twin soul if you feel something is missing inside of yourself.

What does it mean to face the Self?

Many people who have been united with their twins and experience some sort of separation whether it is an actual physical separation or an emotional one, will very often feel that if only they could be with their twin souls in some kind of relationship, the deed would be done. This is also the reason why many female halves try to take control directly when it comes to their male halves. In desperation many female halves try to reach out for their male halves in one way or the other. Often the female halves therefore try to control the whole thing by actively trying to make the male halves move towards them. Often the female twin souls long for an emotional "feedback" from their male halves and for this reason female twin souls tend to take emotional lead when it comes to their male counterparts. All this is done out of desperation for the other half. In reality at the level of Self, this will never work out. The reason for this is that each of the halves is forced to face their individual selves and the female halves are "forced" to not to actively reach out for their male halves, but to reach inwards for their inner Selves.

The male halves must also face themselves individually from their women. They must do their own work, in their own time frame and way. This can be very hard for the female twins to realize and to accept. The facing of the Self has to do with balance and individual healing. You are not balanced if in desperation you want your other half more than you want yourself, so that you don't really care about yourself. This is often the situation for many female halves. They will find themselves in this imbalanced state of being until they realize that now is enough, I must get back to Myself now, take care of Myself and honor myself as a soul half. Many female halves are very empathic with their male halves and this can very often lead to the female halves wanting to be there for their men in every way. For the male halves the situation could be that they are so not used to feeling their feelings, so they depend on their female halves to feel for them.

Again this is an imbalanced state of being for the male halves, they must feel on their own. They must be in their feelings and take the risk of feeling vulnerable emotionally. Unconsciously many set of twin souls, therefore separate, so that they can start facing the Self fully. Without knowing it and despite the deep pain of being separated, many sets of twin souls have chosen at the level of their soul to separate for some time, perhaps years, so that they can start facing themselves. Some twin souls do not separate in the same dramatic way that other twin souls separate, they stay in touch, deeply connected and for them it can be a harder journey to face the individual selves, because when you are presented with your very own twin soul, you so much a part of oneself, so you can actually can be confused about what is really your Self. It is easier to face the Self when there is a complete physical separation.

For this reason many sets of twin souls are today separated, because the actual physical separation forces each of them to FEEL and FACE their individual Selves. Often it is exactly wounds within oneself that keeps one separated from the twin soul, and focusing on "getting" a relationship in the outer sense with the twin soul can prevent one from facing the inner wound that could be the actual cause of the twin soul separation in the first place.

Sometimes twin souls are in relationships or married to other partners and they can nevertheless meet and merge on earth in sexual and spiritual union, very often the physical union with the twin forces the twin souls to take a look at the actual relationship they are in. It can be very hard to stay committed to a (marriage) partner when a person has been with his/her twin soul, because at the level of the Self even in another relationship, the loss of the twin will be felt. This means that when you are with another partner and think of your twin, you will feel alone in this relationship. Eventually you will also feel that you cannot be true to that partner or yourself, because the longing for the twin soul and being true to ones inner self can be too intense. You will suddenly feel that you live a double life. A life where you are with that partner, but you will not feel that he/she sees your true self and a life where you long to be true to yourself and to live an authentic life perhaps with your twin soul or just with yourself. When you deeply start facing your own Self, you will often find it necessary to be in "isolation". It seems necessary to be in this isolation, because you must feel very deeply what is you, so that you are not distracted by other people, situations or circumstances of life.

I believe that the hardest mission any sets of twin souls can face on earth, is the mission of facing the Self. With the merging and union with the twin soul, you get to feel your Self again, you become conscious again and you start asking yourself questions and you also feel that there are things in life that you don't want to put yourself up with anymore. You cannot anymore just watch your life from the outside, you need to take part in it. Some people will claim that when it comes to the twin soul process, it all happens spiritually beyond ones own control, the truth is that the twin soul process is really such a deeply personal process, so that it forces you to be 100% present in your own life.

You must face your life, yourself here and now. You must be a soul fully alive in your physical body. You might not be able to control the overall process that has to do with your twin soul, but you can control yourself. When you feel that there has been a loss, not of just the loss of your twin soul, but also the individual loss of yourself, you will feel feelings that are not spiritual at all. It can be intense feelings of anger, hurt, unconditional love for the twin, and pain of separation. I think it is very important that you feel these feelings in you so that all your energies can flow freely through your physical body and soul. You cannot get to your twin soul during time of separation if you do not feel how deeply you at times have felt the loss of your own Self and the loss of your twin soul.

The only way to the twin is therefore through your Self. You must feel all feelings to be grounded, otherwise you will never really be present here in your physical life. We have chosen to be in our physical existence to feel. When you face your self you will at the same time feel the pull from the identical energies of your twin soul. You will feel that you can only get back to your twin soul, when you are being your true and honest Self and face all the deepest feelings and wounds within yourself. Twin souls couples never completely face the same issues, yet it seems that all people who bond with their twins sooner or later must face themselves individually.

The question is often asked: What can I do to reunite with my twin soul?

The truth is that the answer is not simple. In fact the twin soul journey is very complex. I believe that it is a fact that God wants us to be conscious and take actively part in our own journey. This means that if you want to reunite with your twin, you must become fully conscious of your own Self. If you are unhappy in whatever situation you can find yourself in, you must make a change to your life. You can change you. And if you want to change your life, you must change your Self. It is a fact that many women and men deep down want to be rescued, this means that many times people who know of their twins, wait for something to happen in the outer sense, so they don't have to do the inner work that is necessary to unite with the other half. If you desire to be rescued you will have lost your own sense of Self.

This means that you will have lost your sense of direction in life. You will be waiting for something to guide you without feeling that if you become conscious of your own Self, you will eventually feel what is the right path for you. I believe that it all flows from the Self, if you know your Self, everything else will fall into place. Therefore, it is not a question of knowing the Self of your twin, but knowing your own deepest Self. So how can I get to my twin soul then? You must make the decision that you must get your Self back in every single way. You cannot get the Self of your twin soul back to you, if you don't have your own Self back to you first. Your twin soul will always mirror back to you whatever situation you find yourself in. Therefore, your twin soul can actually mirror back to you that you are lost. You must regain control of your Self to not feel lost with your twin soul or in your twin soul situation. A fact is if you feel that you are lost in whatever situation you are in, your twin soul will mostly likely also feel lost. You might not be able to talk to your twin soul openly about this, but a fact is that if you feel that you are lost energetically, your twin soul cannot help, but to pick this up in his/her own soul half.

Therefore, it is a question all the time of getting ones own inner Self back and in this way to be staying in balance. It is about achieving a "realization of the Self". This means that in your individual Self of who you are, you have potential gifts and longings with what you want to do with your life. Some people will say: I just want to be with my twin soul – that is all I want to do with my life. The truth is if all you want with your life is to be with another person, twin soul or soul mate, you will not have achieved any "realization of your own Self". You will not know who you are or what you want to do with your life. You will have lost your sense of Self.

Self Realization means that instead of focusing on your twin soul, you focus instead on using all your God given talents and this way becoming the whole you that you can be. You become "whole" in you. Now wholeness does not mean that you do not need other people in your life. Wholeness means that you are strong and safe in your Self. You trust and know that you can be yourself 100% without feeling that you are missing something inside of you. You use all your God given gifts and potentials to turn yourself more into you. In this way you are completely true to yourself, you use the abilities and gifts that you have. For this reason it is no longer a question of the twin souls being each other or trying to be each other, but a question of each of them being their true individual selves, actively living a life according to their full potential, doing what each of them does best. They are ONE soul, but two individual, two selves.

Twin Souls can easily lose themselves in each other

The twin soul relationship is the relationship on earth where you are most likely to lose yourself in the other half. Some will say that if you are strong in your Self, this cannot happen, but one thing that has to be taken seriously into account when it comes to the twin soul is that love is very seductive. You feel unconditional love for the other half and this feeling can actually lead you to become Selfless in your love for him/her. For this reason the twin soul relationship is all the time also a relationship that one has with oneself. One has to be aware and conscious about not losing oneself to the twin on many occasions, because when the loss of ones self happens, both twins will be lost. The paradox is of course that you cannot merge into the other half without losing your self in the union.

What does "Loss of SELF" mean?

Your longing and desperation for your twin soul is so intense and so painful, so you will do everything possible to be with him/her. In this way you ignore your own self, lose your inner balance and don't really care about yourself. I am sure that many people who have met and merged with their twins recognize this situation. Here it is again a question of taking oneself back fully and to be acknowledging to oneself that I must be Myself fully to GIVE and RECEIVE love. Even though you share the same energies with your twin, you have your own qualities and gifts that make you the person you are. You need to be you, the whole you that can be to be a magnet to your twin soul. Your twin soul cannot be an "entity" that you want to connect with to feel more complete and whole within yourself.

All living people on Earth are physical, so when you meet your twin soul, you will meet a human being with human feelings, not just a perfect soul entity that can give you everything you feel missing inside of you. Your twin soul is the other half of you, a whole human being, but there will still be human flaws, weaknesses, desires and talents of that person. Everything that makes him/her human. This also means that even though twin souls are ONE energetically and can merge into each other, sometimes at the human level they will still experience human conflicts. Sometimes at the personal level twin souls don't necessarily get along. Other times twin souls struggle with differences in personality.

Detachment – How To Liberate Your Soul

It can be difficult to be fully present in your own life and focus on your own growth and spiritual change, if you are too emotionally involved with your twin during some sort of separation or other testing times. It is very difficult for a human being who knows his/her twin as a physical human being to let go of being too emotionally attached to him/her, simply because as a human being it is hard not to be too spiritually, emotionally, and physically attracted to ones own twin soul.

When we focus too much on another person in our lives who is important to us, we focus less on ourselves and this person becomes the center of our lives. Sooner or later this "other-focus" gets in the way of ones own soul liberation and spiritual growth process. One difficult step is necessary and that is as much as it is possible you must try to detach yourself emotionally, so that being involved with the other person doesn't keep you from growing spiritually on your own. Detachment means that you trust your twin soul to be strong enough to handle his/her own growth without your emotional interference.

Detachment also means that you trust the higher powers enough to know that you cannot be responsible for other people, so you let go of trying to control other people emotionally or otherwise. Detachment is a tough lesson to learn, because as human beings we are used to being driven by emotions in our relationships. We cannot control who we love or how we feel, but feeling very strongly for another person can be a "detour" when it comes to ones own growth, because we get to focus on the other person. We try to change the other person where it is only ourselves that we can change. For twin soul couples detachment is necessary, but difficult to learn because twin souls are so much part of each other energetically. Detachment is a healthy necessary step, because as you take your mind off the other person and focus on yourself instead, you give both yourself and the other person the change and space to grow spiritually and as human beings.

Union on Earth

Uniting with the twin soul on Earth in a relationship has do do with readiness, especially individual readiness of each of the twins. Each of them must have achieved an inner sense of WHOLENESS which will make them feel that although they are part of each other, they are still two individuals, whole in themselves. One of the most important reasons why WHOLENESS is important when it comes to twin souls is that twin souls must be two whole selves so they will not experience a constant loss of Self in their union.

Knowing The Soul

The feeling of separation did occur in some sense, because we cannot KNOW the soul unless we have felt the separation at the inner levels of our own soul. Separation can both be separation from God, our own inner selves and the separation from the twin soul. You cannot know WHO you are at the very center of your soul unless you have felt a part of yourself missing. The journey is very complex in this sense, because in order to unite with the other half, you must realize that separation as we know it took place so that we could KNOW the self and the soul. Inner WHOLENESS must be achieved, because even when the twin souls are "separated" - the "fragments", the twin halves, are a WHOLE in themselves, although they are a spiritual unit together.

Achieving Inner Peace And Being Present In The Now

When people meet and bond with their twin souls, they often feel that they have a special mission or job to carry out for mankind. This is a topic that has been discussed a lot among people who write about twin souls. I like to be humble, because I feel that stating one has a specific mission tends to make one superior to other people and that doesn't feel right. We are all alike, we all have the same possibilities. We can all become spiritually enlightened, but in most cases we achieve the spiritual goals as a result of hard and giving work of our souls. We all have the answers that we need when we need it.

Focusing on the "mission" ahead in the future can be very misleading, because people stop being present in the now and instead they focus on what they don't have. Maybe twin souls have planned a certain "mission" that they are to do in their physical lives, but we have all made plans before we incarnated as to what we are to learn in our lives. My feelings are that the real mission more has to do with people healing their souls, facing the relationships they already are in and just being straight honest with themselves. It is a mistake to think that something better is ahead of us, if we cannot be present in the now. That is actually more wishful thinking. I have seen how people tend to focus on what they feel is their mission, so they focus on uniting with the twin soul and stop looking at whatever relationships they might already be in. We don't realize that we are already exactly where we are meant to be in the now even though it might be painful what we go through.

Our souls have chosen to experience what we do for growth purposes and these lessons might already be part of our souls "mission" on Earth. Other people and relationships are in our lives to show us where we are in this present moment. Our souls have already taken on a mission by being born in a physical life and the mission started when we first opened our eyes in our new physical circumstances.

It takes a lot of honesty and healing to be able to "work" with ones twin soul. I have often seen how some people who have bonded with their twin souls become so focused on helping others so they don't consider the actual situation they are in themselves. We cannot heal other people or help other people heal, if we haven't healed our own souls. Healing doesn't mean that we are meant to be perfect, but we are meant to work through our issues and maybe see our lives in a different and a more real perspective. It is because we can see a more "whole" "view" of our own lives that we can guide people a little bit or offer some kind of help by just listening, but each and every soul has to walk his/her own path him/herself that is completely unique for that specific soul.

About The Healing Of The Soul And Ones Human Self

I recommend all people who go through having united with their twin souls on Earth to start helping and healing their inner child. I feel all people must work through their woundedness to be able to love fully. All healing comes from within. I am sceptic about people who say they can help you heal, because HOW can you heal what you are not conscious of? Real healing is, in my opinion, bringing consciousness to areas of ones life that one was not aware of before. The healing of the inner child is especially important, because if you don't heal your inner child, all the things you do as an adult will be based on the wounded inner child. It is important to try to see and understand that you did in fact choose your earth family for growth purposes. You must try to heal the difficult times you have gone through in life to become your full self again. You must free yourself from the "limitations" that the interactions with your earth family can have placed on you.

When we interact with other people, or people close by such as family members we tend to see ourselves through the eyes of the people that were there when we grew up. When you set the inner child free and become fully yourself, you finally leave the nest and become an adult fully in touch with yourself, listening carefully to the inner child's wise advice to you. Love is not meant to be expressed out of woundedness, but out of fullness. It is actually the woundedness that often prevents people from fully uniting, because as long as they are wounded inside, they are not free to be fully themselves. The woundedness blinds you from seeing who you really are and to be that person. The most important gift that a child and newborn baby can be given in this world is that the parents understand that the spirit and soul of this baby is an intelligent being that existed before it entered this world. This soul and spirit must be given the opportunity in the physical world to express its Self and Soul freely without limitations. We are all souls, but woundedness takes a longer time to work through, and therefore healing is even more essential.

Releasing Feelings, Anger, Hurt, and Pain From Childhood to Heal and To Feel Fully

The inner child needs immediate healing. The cry of the wounded inner child and the reactions to being wounded makes people with wounded inner children reach out for outer relationships to fill the gap they feel missing inside themselves. In our world as it is today it has often been the wounded inner children that have been in relationship with each other based on wounds from their childhood that they did not heal. There has been an intense mirroring between people and their wounded pasts from childhood. Therefore, although a sexual and romantic relationship has been between two physical adults, it has actually been their wounded inner children interacting in a dysfunctional relationship.

People often fear their anger because in our time and age feelings have been repressed, but to heal all feelings must be felt and lived through including the anger. We attract what we are ourselves, so to be able to attract a full and complete person, we must heal inner wounds in ourselves, heal the self fully to be able to be in a relationship based on love and not based on past wounds. Releasing the painful feelings need to be done in a healthy way which means that we need to have understanding of our own feelings of anger and then go to a place and cry them all out. Releasing all difficult and painful feelings will lead the soul to a place of tranquility and peace. You will finally be able to see yourself for who you are because you don't have the repressed feelings standing in your way for being your full and complete Self. The merging with the twin soul will "force" people to go through a deep inner healing and the twin soul relationship with two whole individuals is based on two people who have gone through a difficult inner healing process in order for them to be together.

Understanding Your Unconscious, Psychological "Make-Up", so you can be free to be in relationship

Unconsciously people also tend to work out emotional and tensed relationships with parents and childhood issues with partners in adult life. In order to be fully free to be with the twin soul or a soul mate and NOT bring painful issues to the relationship, people need to recognize if and when they might have been seriously wounded by their parents in some ways, because their parents could be wounded too in their upbringing. If for instance a woman did not get the attention or love she had hoped for from her father, she tends to either search for men who are like her father who give her very little attention and therefore she continues to search for the attention she didn't get from men who are emotionally unavailable or she might search for the opposite in men and try by all means to get everybody's attention. This is was just one example.

There are others and I am sure you can come up with others if you deeply examine yourself and your past relationships. Searching for attention/ trying to get somebody else to meet your needs is not the way to go if you want a meaningful relationship in the outer sense. You can very well understand that if you are to be in a relationship with your twin soul, you need to understand your unconscious, psychological pattern and mechanism well, so you can be free to be in the relationship, and not have past wounds you unconsciously try to work out through the relationship. If you are in a relationship with your twin soul and have not faced these wounds, everything could be magnified and felt. Things could get intense and there might be a constant flow of energy back and forth between the two of you where each feels the other person's wounds and traumas. Therefore, by getting to the heart of the matters and understanding yourself deeply you can begin to attract meaningful relationships to you that reflect WHO you are at the very level of your soul.

A Full And Giving Relationship With The Inner Self Instead Of Dysfunctional, Outer Relationships And Imbalance

Getting closer to the twin soul can only happen in one way and that is working on ones own individual self and growth. When we work on healing our individual selves, healing wounds from the past, we get into alignment with our Higher Self, Creative Center, and Spiritual Power. The world is so imbalanced this day today with so much separation because people both in personal relationships and worldwide try to fix other people in the outer sense to get some kind of inner peace and balance. This will never work out, we need to hold ourselves responsible for our own inner selves and lives.

We will never be able to fix other people, because even in trying to do this, we do not realize that we hold other people responsible for our own misfortune and we cannot change our own personal lives as long as we focus too much on other people and their roles in our lives. A dysfunctional relationship is a relationship that is not giving to the soul. It drains you energetically and keeps you emotionally distracted from your own inner self. In facing a dysfunctional relationship you need to ask yourself why you allow another person to disrespect your boundaries and the essence of your being. You need to ask yourself why you cannot be honest with yourself and why a disrespectful relationship is good enough for you?

If you want to unite with your twin soul in the outer sense, you must first align with your own inner self and be able to live a satisfying and full relationship with yourself. If you don't have a full and giving relationship with yourself where you respect your own boundaries, wishes and hopes for your life, you will draw people into your life in the outer sense in forms of dysfunctional relationships that reflect your own inner imbalance.

Enmeshed Relationships

You are more likely to have a symbiotic and enmeshed relationship with someone if you are seriously wounded within yourself. An enmeshed relationship is a relationship where there is no room for two individuals and for each of them expressing and being their real individuality. An enmeshed relationship exists because the two people are so wounded that they are and cannot be their full selves, so each tries to compensate for the loss in the other. All this happens at the unconsciously level. If we heal our childhood wounds, we are more likely to succeed in relationships in our adult lives, because we do not anymore act out the wounds in the relationship, nor try to heal the wounds by having our partner help us putting a band aid on the deep wounds within ourselves.

A symbiotic and enmeshed relationship will never work out in the long run, because sooner or later the wounds will surface and it is when the wounds surface in the relationship that the honeymoon is over. Most likely we learn to be enmeshed or seek out symbiotic relationships because we are not whole, some of us have might even learned to be in an enmeshed relationship while we were children. Sometimes parents need and "use" their children to be enmeshed with them because they are so wounded inside. Wounded parents use their children so they can get their needs met because they lacked emotional support throughout their own upbringing, so they used their children because they were so wounded themselves that they did not know what to do other than to go to their own children in times of need. This is how we were damaged during childhood. We were damaged when our parents didn't meet our needs and we could not be ourselves fully and instead we had to fulfill their needs. If you are raised and your parents don't support the person and soul you really are, you grow up and feel something is missing and something is wrong with you, and you will not have a self to give away in a relationship. If you were not supported as the soul you really are during your upbringing and childhood, you will constantly be in a struggle with yourself, because you feel ashamed and unworthy inside.

My reason for writing this is that as much as I know people want to read about twin souls, then there are many psychological things to consider when it comes to relationships, souls, and people. You cannot be free in any way unless you face the childhood wounds. It is the childhood wounds that prevent you from being yourself, and from being the person you really are. Twin soul relationships are NOT and cannot be enmeshed and symbiotic relationships, although you share the energies with your twin soul and might have faced the same traumas that your twin has. Twin souls tend to travel identical roads and face the same issues within themselves.

Letting Go and Achieving Wholeness

One of the hardest things in the journey towards WHOLENESS is letting completely go of the thought that one must have the other half, the twin soul, to feel whole within oneself. This Journey is in itself a paradox, because the physical and spiritual union with the twin soul on Earth makes one feel that one is half of a whole. Each half is in itself created as a whole and it is the thought or feeling that something is missing that prevents twin souls from reaching within themselves for wholeness. Letting go does not mean letting go of the love for the other half, it means letting go of the thought that one is incomplete and needs something in the outer sense to achieve wholeness and to be whole.

Our society as it is this day today is based on how incomplete people feel they are, therefore they look for a partner in the outer sense to complete them. This is the reason why many people make a big deal out of their wedding days and anniversaries. People focus so much on how things look in the outer sense, because very often they do not feel that they are fully respected in the eyes of society unless things look a certain way. They must keep up their appearances. People do not realize that one day they might "wake up" and realize that they can't "find themselves, their own Selves", in the relationship they are in with their partner, because they were never whole to begin with.

In our time and age people often start out their relationships by being two halves trying to make a whole by joining forces, only if two people are not whole to begin with within themselves, they can never find wholeness or happiness with another person in a successful relationship. A successful relationship is based on two "wholes" making a union.

When two people are individually whole the relationship they have will not be a relationship influenced by any kind of projections or hidden agendas each of them might have. Two "wholes" come together in freedom, fully free to be their individual, whole, and imperfect selves.

Healing And Wholeness

Many people who unite and bond deeply with their twin souls today will often find themselves in a dilemma, because when you unite with your twin soul, you will feel that this must lead to a "normal" relationship in the earthly sense, but the twin soul union in itself demands often more of us than we first see with our human eyes. This is the reason why many people find themselves in a separation from their twin souls. Deep inside they feel the separation within themselves. This separation is very painful and what is often very hard to realize is that in order to heal the separation we must heal our own souls first. You cannot heal the separation from your twin soul by "getting" him or her to fill the hole within yourself in some kind of relationship.

How you fill the hole has to do with reconnecting with your own spiritual self. As long as you are disconnected from your self, you will feel an intense longing for your twin soul. Your twin soul is the mirror of what you are missing inside yourself.

The twin soul union is not only a catalyst of spiritual growth, it is also a catalyst so that one can achieve spiritual wholeness and will start healing the most wounded parts of oneself. You can have been wounded in ways you never really paid attention to before, but the twin union tends to make people aware of how seriously wounded they were as souls in childhood or some time in their lives. It is by healing the childhood wounds, reconnecting with the inner child and spiritual self that you can heal the separation within yourself in the inner sense and secondly can heal the outer separation from your twin soul. When you feel the separation from your twin soul and long to be with him/her, you long to be yourself, the whole of yourself, and how you become your full Self again has to do with healing the parts of you, reclaiming the parts of you that were lost sometime during your life. You have the key to the answer you are looking for.

As you start healing your own woundedness, you will see that separation as you feel it from your twin soul also has to do with how you were separated from your own spiritual self through painful relationships with other people that prevented you

from being your own full and true self. To most people who have been united with their twin souls it will come as a surprise to them that the longing and heartache will and can end, but it doesn't have to do with their twin soul finally uniting with them in a merged relationship where two are one. In reality the longing will stop because you have done the work necessary to heal your soul, so you don't feel something is missing in you anymore. If you are to unite with your twin soul in the outer sense it will no longer be a relationship where two become one, it will be a relationship where two healed wholes add more wholeness to their union. They will never again feel the painful separation if they are physically separated from their other "half", because they have healed the inner separation in the first place by healing the wounds in their souls. This is what the twin soul union demands of us.

The spiritual Reunion with your twin soul is secondary compared to the healing of your soul, but it is the intense physical and spiritual union with the twin soul that sets the whole healing, growth, and spiritual wholeness process going inside of us as souls.

by Camilla Kanstrup  
All Rights Reserved © 2007

(I tried to find Camilla, but this is all I found:

~ SOURCE: http://lunaticoutpost.com/topic-twin-souls-reclaiming-the-self)

