- YOU CLEARLY ARE HERE
BECAUSE YOU LOVE TELEVISION.
I LOVE TELEVISION.
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,
WE HAD SHOWS LIKE
"LEAVE IT TO BEAVER," AND
"THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES."
SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE,
THINGS CHANGED.
NOW THE HILLBILLIES ON
TELEVISION ARE REAL.
THERE ARE SO MANY
REALITY SHOWS NOWADAYS,
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP UP,
BUT I THOUGHT I WOULD HELP YOU.
I FOUND A NEW--THESE ARE CLIPS
FROM A FEW REALITY SHOWS
THAT I STUMBLED UPON.
AND AS I ALWAYS SAY, IF I SEE
IT, YOU HAVE TO SEE IT TOO.
SO HERE'S A SHOW I FOUND
ON THE LEARNING CHANNEL.
IT'S CALLED "BUYING NAKED."
IT'S ABOUT NUDISTS
WHO ARE LOOKING...
[laughter]
TO BUY REAL ESTATE.
- WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO BUY
NUDIST REAL ESTATE,
THEY COME TO ME.
I'VE ALREADY SOLD OVER 25 HOMES
TO NUDISTS THIS YEAR.
TOP THAT.
OKAY, COME ON, GUYS.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT THE MASTER SUITE.
- OKAY.
- ALL RIGHT, THIS IS NICE.
- THIS ROOM
MIGHT BE A LITTLE SMALL,
BUT I THINK IT'S SOMETHING
THAT WE COULD WORK WITH.
- YOU WANT TO
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS, HILARY.
- NO WAY.
- THIS IS FANTASTIC.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE BIG
CLOSETS BECAUSE I DO GO TO WORK.
MICHAEL GOES TO WORK TOO.
AND I HAVE A LOT OF SHOES.
[laughs]
[laughter]
- SHE WEARS SHOES.
THAT'S GOOD.
JUST NOTHING BUT SHOES IN THERE.
[cheers and applause]
I WAS ALWAYS WONDERING WHERE
THE NUDISTS KEPT THEIR KEYS.
AND I GUESS IN THEIR SHOES.
SHE JUST PUTS HER SHOES ON
AND GOES TO WORK.
AND THERE'S A SHOW ON TRUTV.
IT'S CALLED "KILLER KARAOKE."
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS?
IT'S PEOPLE WHO ARE SINGING
IN EXTREME CONDITIONS.
THIS IS-- THIS IS DONE
FOR A CHANCE TO WIN $10,000
- PERFORMING
"HOOKED ON A FEELING"
WHILE WEARING DRUNK GOGGLES,
PLEASE MAKE SOME NOISE
FOR MALICK HANNAH.
- KILLER KARAOKE, START!
[dreamy pop music]
- [singing]
I CAN'T STOP THIS FEELING
[balloons popping,
people screaming]
DEEP INSIDE OF ME
[balloons popping,
screams]
I CAN'T WAIT--
[screaming, crashing]
[audience laughing, groaning]
[dreamy pop music continues]
- BRUSH IT OFF.
- [singing]
WHEN YOU HOLD ME
IN YOUR ARMS SO TIGHT
[laughter]
- OH.
[applause]
IF PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO DO THAT
FOR $10,000,
I REALIZE I AM PAYING MY STAFF
WAY TOO MUCH MONEY.
[laughter]
I DON'T EVEN MAKE 'EM SING.
HERE'S A SHOW.
THIS IS ON
THE SMITHSONIAN CHANNEL,
AND IT'S CALLED
"AERIAL AMERICA."
MY DAD TOLD ME ABOUT THIS,
AND I THOUGHT,
"WELL, I'LL GIVE IT A TRY."
- THIS RIVER VALLEY WAS ONCE
THE HOME OF THE IROQUOIS PEOPLE.
WHO CALLED THE MAJESTIC WATERWAY
THAT FLOWED THROUGH THEIR LAND
"OHI:YO'" OR "GREAT RIVER."
IT WAS FROM "OHI:YO'"
THAT OHIO GOT ITS NAME.
[laughter]
- WHAT'D I MISS?
WHAT HAPPENED?
WAS IT GOOD?
OKAY.
IT'S THE SAME PLACE
I FELL ASLEEP LAST TIME.
DARN IT.
THIS IS ANOTHER CLIP
FROM "KILLER KARAOKE."
[jaunty country music]
- [singing]
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
GOIN' PLACES
THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN
SEEIN' THINGS
THAT I MAY NEVER SEE AGAIN
COME ON, GIRLS.
[singing] I CAN'T WAIT
TO GET ON THE ROAD AGAIN
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
LIKE A BAND OF GYPSIES,
WE GO DOWN THE HIGHWAY
OH, MAN.
[singing]
WE'RE THE BEST OF FRIENDS
INSISTING THAT THE WORLD KEEP
TURNING OUR WAY
[screams]
ON THE ROAD
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
OW!
JUST CAN'T WAIT TO GET ON
[screams]
THE ROAD AGAIN
- OH, MAN.
OW!
[cheers and applause]
GOD.
I WOULD NEVER LET SOMEONE
WAX MY CHEST FOR $10,000.
PROBABLY WOULDN'T
LET SOMEONE WAX MY CHEST.
I DON'T NEED IT WAXED,
IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING.
[laughter]
THERE'S NO REASON FOR ME
TO EVER EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
MOVING ON.
AND FINALLY,
I'M NOT PROUD OF THIS.
THERE'S A SHOW
THAT I STUMBLED UPON.
IT'S CALLED
"SEX SENT ME TO THE E.R."
AND--
[audience groans]
UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S ABOUT
EXACTLY WHAT THE TITLE SAYS.
- HAPPY ONE-MONTH ANNIVERSARY.
- WELL, I FIGURED, YOU KNOW,
WE'D BEEN DATING FOR A WHILE,
SO IT'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW, WHAT?
WHY DON'T WE TRY AND TAKE THIS
TO THE NEXT LEVEL?"
- SO I'M TRYING TO GO AS--
YOU KNOW,
AS FULL-OUT AS I CAN, YOU KNOW?
WHEN WHAT HAPPENED WAS,
HER TOP OF HER HEAD
WAS PUSHED AGAINST
THE BACK WALL.
440 POUNDS PUSHED HER--
- [grunts]
- HER HEAD WENT THROUGH
THE SHEETROCK WALL.
THERE WAS SHEETROCK KIND OF LIKE
ON THE FRONT OF HER FACE.
HER EYES ARE CLOSED.
HANDS OPEN, NOT MOVING,
KIND OF LIKE, "UGH."
MY INITIAL REACTION IS,
I KILLED HER.
SHE LOOKS AT ME AND SHE GOES--
- WHY DID YOU STOP?
[laughter]
- OH, YOUR FACES, ALL OF YOU,
IN THE AUDIENCE.
THAT WAS A LOT TO TAKE IN.
LET'S TRY TO GET THOSE IMAGES
OUT OF OUR MIND WITH A DANCE.
