

HAMLET

Installment One of the

Shakespeare Made

SLEAZY

Series

Real Text by William Shakespeare

Sleaze Text by ROBIN QWERTY

Smashwords Edition

Real Text (c) 1599

Sleaze Text (c) 2012

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free ebook. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form. If you enjoyed this book, please return to Smashwords.com to discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.

How to Read "Shakespeare Made Sleazy"

Okay, I admit it. I did not write "Hamlet" in 1599, nor would I claim to. It's a mmasterpiece of modern language, and Shakespeares' most-performed play for nearly a hundred and fifty years. As amazing a work as it is, however, one thing "Hamlet" isn't is relatable. Instead of translating the classic tale to modern English, I've taken it upon myself to transform the spoiled, troubled prince's world into something you could find in your own neighborhood-- that is, if you're neighbors are corrupt royalty. It's sometimes vulgar, but always sticks to the premise of the tale. In fact, it's a line for line translation.

Because of this and the naggling e-book format, there's a special way to read Shakespeare Made Sleazy.

If you're reading text like this, it's the original, Shakespearean text.

If you're reading this, it's the sleaze text.

Simple as that! Welcome to the world where Hamlet's in a punk band, Ophelia's a bit homely, and Polonius is just as exhausting as usual.

Enjoy!

Robin Qwerty

ACT I

SCENE I. Elsinore. A platform before the castle.

ACT I

Scene 1. Elsinore. Outside a Danish castle.

FRANCISCO at his post. Enter to him BERNARDO .

FRANCISCO's guarding the door. BERNARDO enters.

BERNARDO

Who's there?

Late again. Sorry 'bout that.

FRANCISCO

Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.

(screeches) Who the hell is that?

BERNARDO

Long live the king!

It's me, relax.

FRANCISCO

Bernardo?

Bernardo?

BERNARDO

He.

Yeah, you schizo paranoid.

FRANCISCO

You come most carefully upon your hour.

You're fucking late.

BERNARDO

'Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Francisco.

My shift only started ten minutes ago, Francisco! Get out of here!

FRANCISCO

For this relief much thanks: 'tis bitter cold,

And I am sick at heart.

I'm just saying, it's cold and my jacket is made out of old shirts. Plus, I'm in a shitty mood.

BERNARDO

Have you had quiet guard?

Quiet shift, at least?

FRANCISCO

Not a mouse stirring.

Nothing much going on.

BERNARDO

Well, good night.

Well, like I said, you can go.

FRANCISCO

I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who's there?

You hear that? Who the hell is that?

Enter HORATIO and MARCELLUS

HORATIO and MARCELLUS enter.

HORATIO

Friends to this ground.

It's cool, we know Hammy.

MARCELLUS

And liegemen to the Dane.

We know Hamlet, it's cool.

FRANCISCO

Give you good night.

I'm getting the fuck out of here.

MARCELLUS

O, farewell, honest soldier:

Who hath relieved you?

Sucks you had to work this late. Who's picking up now?

FRANCISCO

Bernardo has my place.

Give you good night.

Bernardo's here. Have fun doing...I don't even care, I'm tired.

Exit

FRANCISCO exits.

MARCELLUS

Holla! Bernardo!

Holla! Bernardo!

BERNARDO

Say, what, is Horatio there?

That's not a relevant term anymore. Is Horatio around?

HORATIO

A piece of him.

Yes, but I'm in a fucking terrible mood.

BERNARDO

Welcome, Horatio: welcome, good Marcellus.

Wasn't my question, but hey guys.

MARCELLUS

What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

You think it'll be back tonight?

BERNARDO

I have seen nothing.

Dunno, I just got here.

MARCELLUS

Horatio says 'tis but our fantasy,

And will not let belief take hold of him

Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:

Therefore I have entreated him along

With us to watch the minutes of this night;

That if again this apparition come,

He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

Horatio thinks we're being superstitious

and he's ruining all the fun.

I already told him we saw this shit twice,

So he came along tonight

Because his girlfriend dumped him;

If this ghost shows up,

He's gonna try and ghost whisper to it or some shit.

HORATIO

Tush, tush, 'twill not appear.

You guys are high.

BERNARDO

Sit down awhile;

And let us once again assail your ears,

That are so fortified against our story

What we have two nights seen.

All right, asshole,

We'll go over it with you again.

We may have been high the first night,

But last time we saw it for real.

HORATIO

Well, sit we down,

And let us hear Bernardo speak of this.

Well, if we're waiting for this thing anyway,

Listening to your ridiculous story can't hurt.

BERNARDO

Last night of all,

When yond same star that's westward from the pole

Had made his course to illume that part of heaven

Where now it burns, Marcellus and myself,

The bell then beating one,--

Well, last night

Around this same time, I think,

Marcellus and I were not smoking like the night before when we heard his little digital watch thing turn one o'clock.

A couple seconds later,--

Enter Ghost

A GHOST enters.

MARCELLUS

Peace, break thee off; look, where it comes again!

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

BERNARDO

In the same figure, like the king that's dead.

We told you, Horatio! It's the king's ghost!

MARCELLUS

Thou art a scholar; speak to it, Horatio.

Your turn to talk to it, smartass.

BERNARDO

Looks it not like the king? mark it, Horatio.

It looks exactly like him, right? Talk to him, Horatio!

HORATIO

Most like: it harrows me with fear and wonder.

Shit. This just got real.

BERNARDO

It would be spoke to.

Ghost whisperer's not so brave now, huh?

MARCELLUS

Question it, Horatio.

Go for it, Horatio.

HORATIO

What art thou that usurp'st this time of night,

Together with that fair and warlike form

In which the majesty of buried Denmark

Did sometimes march? by heaven I charge

thee!

Um...you're the...you're the king, right?

thee, speak! Funny thing, I've got this bet with those two guys

that you'd talk to us, so...maybe? If you want to?

MARCELLUS

It is offended.

That ghost is not having it.

BERNARDO

See, it stalks away!

That ghost is not having it.

HORATIO

Stay! speak, speak! I charge thee, speak!

NO! I'm sorry, we just need a second of your time!

Exit Ghost

The GHOST exits.

MARCELLUS

'Tis gone, and will not answer.

Well, that was fun while it lasted.

BERNARDO

How now, Horatio! you tremble and look pale:

Is not this something more than fantasy?

What think you on't?

You're shaking, Horatio!

You've got to admit, that wasn't a blunt talking.

What'd you think?

HORATIO

Before my God, I might not this believe

Without the sensible and true avouch

Of mine own eyes.

Jesus, I never would have believed that

If I hadn't seen it myself.

Terrifying.

MARCELLUS

Is it not like the king?

Looked exactly like the king!

HORATIO

As thou art to thyself:

Such was the very armour he had on

When he the ambitious Norway combated;

So frown'd he once, when, in an angry parle,

He smote the sledded Polacks on the ice.

'Tis strange.

The spitting image:

I remember him wearing those clothes when he kicked those Norwegian guys' asses.

He made that exact expression when he put some Polish guys on their asses the same week. Damn.

MARCELLUS

Thus twice before, and jump at this dead hour,

With martial stalk hath he gone by our watch.

He's been walking around this time lately,

And he never stops to talk to us.

HORATIO

In what particular thought to work I know not;

But in the gross and scope of my opinion,

This bodes some strange eruption to our state.

If there's ghosts wandering around the premises all willy nilly,

I'm willing to bet things are gonna to get weird around here.

MARCELLUS

Good now, sit down, and tell me, he that Because we, uh, we really liked you!

knows, why this same strict and most observant watch

So nightly toils the subject of the land,

And why such daily cast of brazen cannon,

And foreign mart for implements of war;

Why such impress of shipwrights, whose sore task does not divide the Sunday from the week; What might be toward, that this sweaty haste doth make the night joint-labourer with the day:

Who is't that can inform me?

You know the guys in the castle, so riddle me this.

This time last year, I couldn't get a shift to save my fucking life, and all of a sudden we're guarding this spooky-ass entrance twenty-four seven. I haven't had a day off in a month. Enlighten me, rich boy.

HORATIO

That can I;

At least, the whisper goes so. Our last king,

Whose image even but now appear'd to us,

Was, as you know, by Fortinbras of Norway,

Thereto prick'd on by a most emulate pride,

Dared to the combat; in which our valiant Hamlet--

For so this side of our known world esteem'd him--

Did slay this Fortinbras; who by a seal'd compact,

Well ratified by law and heraldry,

Did forfeit, with his life, all those his lands

Which he stood seized of, to the conqueror:

Against the which, a moiety competent

Was gaged by our king; which had return'd

To the inheritance of Fortinbras,

Had he been vanquisher; as, by the same covenant, and carriage of the article design'd,

His fell to Hamlet. Now, sir, young Fortinbras, of unimproved mettle hot and full,

Hath in the skirts of Norway here and there

Shark'd up a list of lawless resolutes,

For food and diet, to some enterprise

That hath a stomach in't; which is no other—

MARCELLUS

Fortinbras?

HORATIO

That's the one. Hamlet managed to snipe that motherfucker in battle, which is what you get for letting your elderly king fight, if you ask me.

Denmark got all their land by default.

Which would be great, if Fortinbras's son, also named Fortinbras—

BERNARDO

Sucks.

HORATIO

He's been gathering thugs to take our new land back. You guys are picking up shifts in case they get here sooner than we think.

BERNARDO

I think it be no other but e'en so:

Well may it sort that this portentous figure

Comes armed through our watch; so like the king that was and is the question of these wars.

Kill the guards, right? We're not important.

HORATIO

That's the idea, yeah. As for the king's ghost—

BERNARDO

He's probably pissed that baby Fortinbras is trying to make a comeback.

I'd be pissed if someone was trying to take back my spoils of war, too.

HORATIO

A mote it is to trouble the mind's eye.

In the most high and palmy state of Rome,

A little ere the mightiest Julius fell,

But to recover of us, by strong hand

And terms compulsatory, those foresaid lands

So by his father lost: and this, I take it,

Is the main motive of our preparations,

The source of this our watch and the chief head of this post-haste

and romage in the land. The graves stood tenantless and the

sheeted dead did squeak and gibber in the Roman streets:

As stars with trains of fire and dews of blood,

disasters in the sun; and the moist star upon whose

influence Neptune's empire stands was sick almost to

doomsday with eclipse: And even the like precurse of

fierce events, as harbingers preceding still the fates

and prologue to the omen coming on,

Have heaven and earth together demonstrated

Unto our climatures and countrymen.--

But soft, behold! lo, where it comes again!

HORATIO

Far be it for me to claim that we're in for some major plot twists if there's a ghost running around in the opening scene, but...

MARCELLUS

Yeah, it's pretty much a dead giveaway.

HORATIO

Shakespeare writes so damn pretty that people ignore it.

MARCELLUS

Yeah. It would be so Shakespeare to mention Julius Caesar here for no reason.

Re-enter Ghost

The GHOST re-enters.

HORATIO

I'll cross it, though it blast me. Stay, illusion!

If thou hast any sound, or use of voice,

Speak to me:

If there be any good thing to be done,

That may to thee do ease and grace to me,

Speak to me:

Here it is again! My king, we're serious this time!

If you can speak, just tell us why, how you're here:

I don't know a lot about ghosts because I thought they

were invented to boost TV ratings.

Cock crows.

Rooster crows.

HORATIO

If thou art privy to thy country's fate,

Which, happily, foreknowing may avoid, O, speak!

But I'll definitely start watching those shows.

Listen, if there's any spooky ghost oracle you can clue

us in about the future of Denmark, we'd really

owe you one. We're worried.

MARCELLUS

Shall I strike at it with my partisan?

Should I shoot it?

HORATIO

Do, if it will not stand.

I mean...yeah, why not?

BERNARDO

'Tis here!

He's over here now!

HORATIO

'Tis here!

Tricky bastard, he's over there!

MARCELLUS

'Tis gone!

He's...fuck, I don't see him anymore.

Exit Ghost

The GHOST exits.

MARCELLUS

We do it wrong, being so majestical,

To offer it the show of violence;

For it is, as the air, invulnerable,

And our vain blows malicious mockery.

You know, shooting the ghost probably

Wasn't a good call, guys.

Shooting a dead guy makes us look

Pretty easily defeated. Mentally, at least.

BERNARDO

It was about to speak, when the cock crew.

It was about to talk when you blasted it, dumbass.

HORATIO

And then it started like a guilty thing

Upon a fearful summons. I have heard,

The cock, that is the trumpet to the morn,

Doth with his lofty and shrill-sounding throat

Awake the god of day; and, at his warning,

Whether in sea or fire, in earth or air,

The extravagant and erring spirit hies

To his confine: and of the truth herein

This present object made probation.

It looked pretty guilty when the bird started crowing.

Guys like him don't want to be out during the day.

MARCELLUS

It faded on the crowing of the cock.

Some say that ever 'gainst that season comes

Wherein our Saviour's birth is celebrated,

The bird of dawning singeth all night long:

And then, they say, no spirit dares stir abroad;

The nights are wholesome; then no planets strike,

No fairy takes, nor witch hath power to charm,

So hallow'd and so gracious is the time.

And he disappeared, just like that.

I bet if we just killed that idiot bird and ate it,

we'd all be a lot happier, ghost included.

BERNARDO

Plus free food.

MARCELLUS

Exactly.

HORATIO

So have I heard and do in part believe it.

But, look, the morn, in russet mantle clad,

Walks o'er the dew of yon high eastward hill:

Break we our watch up; and by my advice,

Let us impart what we have seen to-night

Unto young Hamlet; for, upon my life,

This spirit, dumb to us, will speak to him.

Do you consent we shall acquaint him with it,

As needful in our loves, fitting our duty?

HORATIO

Look, as much as we'd love to skewer Hamlet's creepy bird pet...

BERNARDO

Yeah, what about Hamlet?

HORATIO

If you see someone's dad's ghost, you're more or less obligated to clue him in.

MARCELLUS

Let's do't, I pray; and I this morning know

Where we shall find him most conveniently.

Yeah, if his lazy ass gets up to hear about it.

Exeunt

ALL exit.

ACT I, SCENE II. A room of state in the castle.

ACT 1, SCENE II. A political roundtable at the castle.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, HAMLET, POLONIUS, LAERTES, VOLTIMAND, CORNELIUS, Lords, and Attendants.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, HAMLET, POLONIUS, LAERTES, VOLTIMAND, CORNELIUS, Lords, and Attendants.

KING CLAUDIUS

Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death

The memory be green, and that it us befitted

To bear our hearts in grief and our whole kingdom to be contracted in one brow of woe,

Yet so far hath discretion fought with nature

That we with wisest sorrow think on him,

Together with remembrance of ourselves.

Therefore our sometime sister, now our queen, the imperial jointress to this warlike state, have we, as 'twere with a defeated joy,--

With an auspicious and a dropping eye,

With mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage,

In equal scale weighing delight and dole,--

Taken to wife: nor have we herein barr'd

Your better wisdoms, which have freely gone

With this affair along. For all, our thanks.

Now follows, that you know, young Fortinbras,

Holding a weak supposal of our worth,

Or thinking by our late dear brother's death

Our state to be disjoint and out of frame,

Colleagued with the dream of his advantage,

He hath not fail'd to pester us with message,

Importing the surrender of those lands

Lost by his father, with all bonds of law,

To our most valiant brother. So much for him.

Now for ourself and for this time of meeting:

Thus much the business is: we have here writ

To Norway, uncle of young Fortinbras,--

Who, impotent and bed-rid, scarcely hears

Of this his nephew's purpose,--to suppress

His further gait herein; in that the levies,

The lists and full proportions, are all made

Out of his subject: and we here dispatch

You, good Cornelius, and you, Voltimand,

For bearers of this greeting to old Norway;

Giving to you no further personal power

To business with the king, more than the scope of these delated articles allow.

Farewell, and let your haste commend your duty.

Y'all, I get it. King Hamlet was my brother, for Christ's sake, and it

was all well and good to deep-freeze his body and throw those parades.

All that shit. I'm on board with it.

But now that some time has passed, I think we should all acknowledge that

there's a new boss motherfucker in here, he's related to royalty, and

he's banging his brother's widow. That's right, Denmark! I

married the queen. I know what you're thinking—yes, she

is a little old for my taste, but it's what my brother would have wanted.

Now, on to business. That Norwegian prince—the one with the pansy name—

ATTENDANT

Fortinbras?

KING CLAUDIUS

Who comes up with those names? Yes, him. He thinks the

populace is either too busy shitting their pants over the death

of King Hamlet or distracted by my good looks to notice he's

getting closer and closer to the property we seized from his

elderly father fair and square. Instead of getting violent like

old Hamslice would, I texted Fortinbras's uncle and was all,

"Hey, man. I know you have cancer and everything, but could

you take three seconds to tell your nephew to chill the fuck out?"

Cornelius, Voltimand, I'm sending you to Norway to make sure

he texts me back.

VOLTIMAND

Seems a little extreme.

KING CLAUDIUS

That's Denmark's new slogan.

CORNELIUS/VOLTIMAND

In that and all things will we show our duty.

We'll go, Denmark won't let us get married anyways.

KING CLAUDIUS

We doubt it nothing: heartily farewell.

I've married my brother's wife, there's more serious corruption

going on here. Anyways, see you around.

Exeunt VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS

VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS enter.

And now, Laertes, what's the news with you?

You told us of some suit; what is't, Laertes?

You cannot speak of reason to the Dane,

And loose your voice: what wouldst thou beg, Laertes,

That shall not be my offer, not thy asking?

The head is not more native to the heart,

The hand more instrumental to the mouth,

Than is the throne of Denmark to thy father.

What wouldst thou have, Laertes?

Now, Laertes, you little ladykiller, you, there was a

favor you wanted to ask of me.

Let it rip—I'm the king now, there's virtually

nothing I couldn't give you.

If you wanted, I could feasibly take off my pants and

hand them to you and my wife's silkworms would

have to spin me a new pair. This shit is out of control.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, what do you need?

LAERTES

My dread lord,

Your leave and favour to return to France;

From whence though willingly I came to Denmark,

To show my duty in your coronation,

Yet now, I must confess, that duty done,

My thoughts and wishes bend again toward France

And bow them to your gracious leave and pardon.

I want to go back to France, sir. I came back to

fight for Denmark, but I'm dying to return.

KING CLAUDIUS

Have you your father's leave? What says Polonius?

And your father's approved this? Polonius, this is good with you?

LORD POLONIUS

He hath, my lord, wrung from me my slow leave by

laboursome petition, and at last

Upon his will I seal'd my hard consent:

I do beseech you, give him leave to go.

My lord, he would not stop bitching about it,

And he eats all the food in our house.

Let the kid go back to France.

KING CLAUDIUS

Take thy fair hour, Laertes; time be thine,

And thy best graces spend it at thy will!

But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son,-

All right, you crazy kid, get on the next plane to Paris.

As for my nephew Hamlet...sorry, my son—

HAMLET

[Aside] A little more than kin, and less than kind.

[Aside] Same diff.

KING CLAUDIUS

How is it that the clouds still hang on you?

You seem bummed. What's up, little buddy?

HAMLET

Not so, my lord; I am too much i' the sun.

Don't know what you're talking about, Claudius.

I'm too excited to be here.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted colour off,

And let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark.

Do not for ever with thy vailed lids

Seek for thy noble father in the dust:

Thou know'st 'tis common; all that lives must die,

Passing through nature to eternity.

Stop being a sarcastic little monster, and starting

referring to your uncle as your dad.

It's been three whole days since King Hamlet passed,

and it was bound to happen eventually. Get over it,

honey, everyone dies.

HAMLET

Ay, madam, it is common.

Seems to be a common trend.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

If it be,

Why seems it so particular with thee?

Then why be so mopey about it?

HAMLET

Seems, madam! nay it is; I know not 'seems.'

'Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother,

Nor customary suits of solemn black,

Nor windy suspiration of forced breath,

No, nor the fruitful river in the eye,

Nor the dejected 'havior of the visage,

Together with all forms, moods, shapes of grief,

That can denote me truly: these indeed seem,

for they are actions that a man might play:

But I have that within which passeth show;

These but the trappings and the suits of woe.

HAMLET

Seems, Ma? I don't believe in "seems".

I know I'm dressed like the goth bassist of

An alt rock band,

That I've been taking solemn pictures of

Myself at upward angles,

That I've gotten a lip piercing and cry every

night. That may "seem" like I'm acting out,

But someone has to care that Dad 's dead.

Damn.

KING CLAUDIUS

'Tis sweet and commendable in your nature,

To give these mourning duties to your father:

But, you must know, your father lost a father;

That father lost, lost his, and the survivor bound

in filial obligation for some term

To do obsequious sorrow: but to persever

In obstinate condolement is a course

Of impious stubbornness; 'tis unmanly grief;

It shows a will most incorrect to heaven,

A heart unfortified, a mind impatient,

An understanding simple and unschool'd:

For what we know must be and is as common

As any the most vulgar thing to sense,

Why should we in our peevish opposition

Take it to heart? Fie! 'tis a fault to heaven,

A fault against the dead, a fault to nature,

To reason most absurd: whose common theme

Is death of fathers, and who still hath cried,

From the first corse till he that died to-day,

'This must be so.' We pray you, throw to earth

This unprevailing woe, and think of us

As of a father: for let the world take note,

You are the most immediate to our throne;

And with no less nobility of love

Than that which dearest father bears his son,

Do I impart toward you. For your intent

In going back to school in Wittenberg,

It is most retrograde to our desire:

And we beseech you, bend you to remain

Here, in the cheer and comfort of our eye,

Our chiefest courtier, cousin, and our son.

Your studded clothes are adorable, Hamlet,

And I know you're missing your dad.

But your father lost his father,

And that father lost his,

And none felt obligated to borderline crossdress

to deal with the grief.

Be a man, God doesn't like when you wear

studded gloves and whine.

I'm your dad now. I'm a good guy.

Put it here, buddy.

I know you wanted to go back to school in

Wittenberg and rejoin your screamo band,

But your mother and I want you to stay.

You're my son, now, and I love your crazy ass.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Let not thy mother lose her prayers, Hamlet:

I pray thee, stay with us; go not to Wittenberg.

My life already sucks, Hamlet;

You're staying at home.

HAMLET

I shall in all my best obey you, madam.

I mean, there's nothing I can do.

KING CLAUDIUS

Why, 'tis a loving and a fair reply:

Be as ourself in Denmark. Madam, come;

This gentle and unforced accord of Hamlet

Sits smiling to my heart: in grace whereof,

No jocund health that Denmark drinks to-day,

But the great cannon to the clouds shall tell,

And the king's rouse the heavens all bruit again,

Re-speaking earthly thunder. Come away.

Attaboy!

Denmark's cooler anyways. Now that

We've fucked our son over, let's go and get

Wasted!

Come, Gertrude.

GERTRUDE

Awesome!

Exeunt all but HAMLET

All exit but HAMLET.

HAMLET

O, that this too too solid flesh would melt

Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!

Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd

His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God! God!

How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable,

Seem to me all the uses of this world!

Fie on't! ah fie! 'tis an unweeded garden,

That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature

Possess it merely. That it should come to this!

But two months dead: nay, not so much, not two:

So excellent a king; that was, to this,

Hyperion to a satyr; so loving to my mother

That he might not beteem the winds of heaven

Visit her face too roughly. Heaven and earth!

Must I remember? why, she would hang on him,

As if increase of appetite had grown

By what it fed on: and yet, within a month—

Let me not think on't--Frailty, thy name is woman!--

A little month, or ere those shoes were old

With which she follow'd my poor father's body,

Like Niobe, all tears:--why she, even she--

O, God! a beast, that wants discourse of reason,

Would have mourn'd longer--married with my uncle,

My father's brother, but no more like my father

Than I to Hercules: within a month:

Ere yet the salt of most unrighteous tears

Had left the flushing in her galled eyes,

She married. O, most wicked speed, to post

With such dexterity to incestuous sheets!

It is not nor it cannot come to good:

But break, my heart; for I must hold my tongue.

I wish I could kill myself,

But I refuse to before My Chemical Romance

releases their new album. Fuck!

My dad's been dead for less than two months,

And such a great ruler. I mean,

He wouldn't take me to any emo music festivals, but he loved Ma's ugly ass

and was a hell of a lot better than my uncle,

Who no one ever liked and collected almost as much unemployment as he did tacky shirts.

She loved Dad so much, but one month later—bitches these days.

Ma didn't even have time to break in the hooker heels she wore to his funeral, crying and crying, when she shacked up with

Claudius, who's about as much like my dad as I am like Schwartzenegger. It's incest!

But Claudius will kick my ass if I continue, so

I'm just going to bitch and moan about it.

Enter HORATIO, MARCELLUS, and BERNARDO.

HORATIO, MARCELLUS, and BERNARDO enter.

HORATIO

Hail to your lordship!

Oh hey!

HAMLET

I am glad to see you well:

Horatio,--or I do forget myself.

Horatio, you dapper motherfucker,

Is that you?

HORATIO

The same, my lord, and your poor servant ever.

HELL YEAH!

HAMLET

Sir, my good friend; I'll change that name with you:

And what make you from Wittenberg, Horatio? Marcellus?

Get over here, man!

When did you get here from Wittenberg?

Holy shit, is that Marcellus?!

MARCELLUS

My good lord--

The band couldn't keep going without you, Hammy--

HAMLET

I am very glad to see you. Good even, sir.

But what, in faith, make you from Wittenberg?

I can't even talk about the band right now,

Is that really why you came over here?

HORATIO

A truant disposition, good my lord.

We cut class, yo.

HAMLET

I would not hear your enemy say so,

Nor shall you do mine ear that violence,

To make it truster of your own report

Against yourself: I know you are no truant.

But what is your affair in Elsinore?

We'll teach you to drink deep ere you depart.

Bullshit!

You practically lick our professor's ass,

No way would you have cut class.

Why'd you come over?

We'll totally do shots before you leave.

HORATIO

My lord, I came to see your father's funeral.

I came for the funeral, Ham.

HAMLET

I pray thee, do not mock me, fellow-student;

I think it was to see my mother's wedding.

Do you mean my dad's funeral or my mom's wedding?

HORATIO

Indeed, my lord, it follow'd hard upon.

Well, they were on the same day.

HAMLET

Thrift, thrift, Horatio! the funeral baked meats

Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.

Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven

Or ever I had seen that day, Horatio!

My father!--methinks I see my father.

You'll do anything for free food, Horatio!

They used the leftovers from the fucking funeral

for the wedding, if you can believe it. Terrible.

I just wish I could talk to my dad about it.

HORATIO

Where, my lord?

Wait, do you see him?

HAMLET

In my mind's eye, Horatio.

Only in my imagination.

HORATIO

I saw him once; he was a goodly king.

I saw him one time, he seemed pretty cool.

HAMLET

He was a man, take him for all in all,

I shall not look upon his like again.

He was the best dad of all time, yo!

HORATIO

My lord, I think I saw him yesternight.

This is gonna sound crazy, but I think

I saw him yesterday.

HAMLET

Saw? who?

My dad?

HORATIO

My lord, the king your father.

Your dad.

HAMLET

The king my father!

Like, at the mall?

HORATIO

Season your admiration for awhile

With an attent ear, till I may deliver,

Upon the witness of these gentlemen,

This marvel to you.

No, outside your house!

This is some Ghost Hunters shit,

You've got to hear about it.

HAMLET

For God's love, let me hear.

Tell me!!!

HORATIO

Two nights together had these gentlemen,

Marcellus and Bernardo, on their watch,

In the dead vast and middle of the night,

Been thus encounter'd. A figure like your father,

armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,

Appears before them, and with solemn march

Goes slow and stately by them: thrice he walk'd by

their oppress'd and fear-surprised eyes, within his

truncheon's length; whilst they, distilled almost to

jelly with the act of fear, stand dumb and speak

not to him. This to me in dreadful secrecy impart

they did; And I with them the third night kept the

watch; where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,

form of the thing, each word made true and good,

the apparition comes: I knew your

father; These hands are not more like.

Okay, so it's like this.

Marcellus and Bernardo and me were hanging outside last night—not smoking—

And there he was, out of nowhere,

Wearing some crazy war gear and marching back and forth. He'd already been there two

Nights in a row, so I came along the third night to call them on their shit.

It was true, though! It couldn't have been anybody but him.

HAMLET

But where was this?

MARCELLUS

My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

HAMLET

Did you not speak to it?

Holy shit, what did he say?!

HORATIO

My lord, I did;

But answer made it none: yet once methought

It lifted up its head and did address

Itself to motion, like as it would speak;

But even then the morning cock crew loud,

And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,

And vanish'd from our sight.

I tried to talk to him,

But he wasn't having it.

He kept looking like he was about to say something,

but just as he was going to that fucking bird that your

mom loves so much started screaming and he disappeared.

HAMLET

'Tis very strange.

Damn.

HORATIO

As I do live, my honour'd lord, 'tis true;

And we did think it writ down in our duty

To let you know of it.

And I swear we weren't smoking.

Even though they sort of wanted to.

HAMLET

Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.

Hold you the watch to-night?

This is fucking unbelievable.

Are you going to be there tonight, guys?

MARCELLUS BERNARDO

We do, my lord.

Damn straight.

HAMLET

Arm'd, say you?

With gunsies?

MARCELLUS/BERNARDO

Arm'd, my lord.

With gunsies.

HAMLET

From top to toe?

Lots of gunsies?

MARCELLUS/BERNARDO

My lord, from head to foot.

A pretty decent number of gunsies.

HAMLET

Then saw you not his face?

Wait, did you actually see his face?

HORATIO

It was all out.

O, yes, my lord; he wore his beaver up.

HAMLET

What, look'd he frowningly?

Where the fuck did this happen?!

HORATIO

A countenance more in sorrow than in anger.

More bummed than pissed.

HAMLET

Was he pale or burning?

Pale or red?

HORATIO

Nay, very pale.

Well, he's a ghost, so...

HAMLET

And fix'd his eyes upon you?

And he definitely saw you?

HORATIO

Most constantly.

We had locked pupils, man.

HAMLET

I would I had been there.

You should have texted me!

HORATIO

It would have much amazed you.

I was too busy making meaningful eye contact!

HAMLET

Very like, very like. Stay'd it long?

Whatever. How long did it stick around?

HORATIO

While one with moderate haste might tell a hundred.

Like two minutes.

MARCELLUS BERNARDO

Longer, longer.

Like, three minutes plus!

HORATIO

Not when I saw't.

Not when I was there!

HAMLET

His beard was grizzled--no?

Did he look like he'd shaved?

HORATIO

It was, as I have seen it in his life,

A sable silver'd.

That doesn't seem super relevant,

But he had some grays going on.

HAMLET

I will watch to-night;

Perchance 'twill walk again.

Yeah, it was all out.

I'm going with you guys tonight,

I've gotta see this.

HAMLET

Was he pissed?

I warrant it will.

HORATIO

More bummed than pissed.

It'll come back.

HAMLET

If it assume my noble father's person,

I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape

And bid me hold my peace. I pray you all,

If you have hitherto conceal'd this sight,

Let it be tenable in your silence still;

And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,

Give it an understanding, but no tongue:

I will requite your loves. So, fare you well:

Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,

I'll visit you.

If this thing is really my dad, he'll talk to me.

If hell opens up and tries to stop me—

MARCELLUS

That'd be a sick album title.

HORATIO

Write that down.

HAMLET

So I'll meet you guys around eleven?

ALL

Our duty to your honour.

Yep.

HAMLET

Your loves, as mine to you: farewell.

See you later. There's snacks in the other

room if you're feeling puckish.

Exeunt all but HAMLET

Everyone leaves but HAMLET

My father's spirit in arms! all is not well;

I doubt some foul play: would the night were come!

Till then sit still, my soul: foul deeds will rise,

Though all the earth o'erwhelm them, to men's eyes.

My father's ghost has a gun—badass, but pretty shady.

I'm gonna bust this shit wide open, but not before I go

and listen to some Metallica.

Exit

HAMLET exits.

ACT I, SCENE III. A room in Polonius' house.

ACT 1, SCENE 3. Polonius's house.

Enter LAERTES and OPHELIA

LAERTES and OPHELIA enter.

LAERTES

My necessaries are embark'd: farewell:

And, sister, as the winds give benefit

And convoy is assistant, do not sleep,

But let me hear from you.

My shit's already gone through security at the airport, I'm good to go.

Ophelia, you'd better send me adorable e-cards while I'm gone.

OPHELIA

Do you doubt that?

Do you doubt that?

LAERTES

For Hamlet and the trifling of his favour,

Hold it a fashion and a toy in blood,

A violet in the youth of primy nature,

Forward, not permanent, sweet, not lasting,

The perfume and suppliance of a minute; No more.

If you keep hanging out with Hamlet so much, you'll forget about me altogether!

He's only in it for the pussy,

He'll be over it in a second.

OPHELIA

No more but so?

A second?

LAERTES

Think it no more;

For nature, crescent, does not grow alone

In thews and bulk, but, as this temple waxes,

The inward service of the mind and soul

Grows wide withal. Perhaps he loves you now,

And now no soil nor cautel doth besmirch

The virtue of his will: but you must fear,

His greatness weigh'd, his will is not his own;

For he himself is subject to his birth:

He may not, as unvalued persons do,

Carve for himself; for on his choice depends

The safety and health of this whole state;

And therefore must his choice be circumscribed

Unto the voice and yielding of that body

Whereof he is the head. Then if he says he loves

you,it fits your wisdom so far to believe it as he

in his particular act and place

May give his saying deed; which is no further

Than the main voice of Denmark goes withal.

Then weigh what loss your honour may sustain,

if with too credent ear you list his songs,

Or lose your heart, or your chaste treasure open

To his unmaster'd importunity.

Fear it, Ophelia, fear it, my dear sister,

And keep you in the rear of your affection,

Out of the shot and danger of desire.

The chariest maid is prodigal enough,

If she unmask her beauty to the moon:

Virtue itself 'scapes not calumnious strokes:

The canker galls the infants of the spring,

Too oft before their buttons be disclosed,

And in the morn and liquid dew of youth

Contagious blastments are most imminent.

Be wary then; best safety lies in fear:

Youth to itself rebels, though none else near.

Yeah, he's over it.

I know guys like him—they're all moody and say

they love you today, but the second they meet a

girl who is willing to get pierced where a lady

doesn't get pierced—

OPHELIA

It's crossed my mind.

LAERTES

\--then he'll dump you in a second.

And besides, the guy's royalty.

He may think he loves you now,

But he's gonna get busy before long.

When he says he loves you, it's only as

much as he can before Denmark needs

that two-bit poser to rise to the throne,

marry a hotter girl in an arranged marriage,

and sentence you to death just because.

OPHELIA

But he wrote me a song!

LAERTES

And I'm sure his falsetto scream melted your

heart, but that doesn't mean you have to bone him.

Have some mystery. Fear will protect you from that

buy, and not just because he collects eighteenth-century

weapons for no reason.

OPHELIA

It's for his band!

LAERTES

That's what they all say.

OPHELIA

I shall the effect of this good lesson keep,

As watchman to my heart. But, good my brother,

Do not, as some ungracious pastors do,

Show me the steep and thorny way to heaven;

Whiles, like a puff'd and reckless libertine,

Himself the primrose path of dalliance treads,

And recks not his own rede.

Well, I'll keep it in mind,

But only 'cause I love you, bro.

But you have to promise not to be a hypocrite about this

—you can't go fucking royalty while I have to stay a virgin!

LAERTES

O, fear me not.

I stay too long: but here my father comes.

That ship has sailed, my bad.

Shh, Dad's coming.

Enter POLONIUS

POLONIUS enters.

A double blessing is a double grace,

Occasion smiles upon a second leave.

Can you believe he let me leave home twice now?

Feels good to be the favored kid.

LORD POLONIUS

Yet here, Laertes! aboard, aboard, for shame!

The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,

And you are stay'd for. There; my blessing with thee!

And these few precepts in thy memory

See thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,

Nor any unproportioned thought his act.

Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.

Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,

Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;

What the hell are you still here for? You're going to miss

your plane! The good seats will all be taken and you'll

be stuck sitting next to an obese woman with a baby.

Just keep my PoloniRules in mind.

OPHELIA

Good God.

LORD POLONIUS

Number one: Don't follow your first instinct. Follow every

other instinct that comes across your mind.

Number two...well, I'll get to number two.

I heard you and Hamlet were hanging out a lot lately,

and if the tops you've been wearing have been any indication—

LORD POLONIUS

Marry, well bethought:

'Tis told me, he hath very oft of late

Given private time to you; and you yourself

Have of your audience been most free and bounteous:

If it be so, as so 'tis put on me,

And that in way of caution, I must tell you,

You do not understand yourself so clearly

As it behoves my daughter and your honour.

What is between you? give me up the truth.

OPHELIA

Seriously?

LORD POLONIUS

Well, what's going on then?

OPHELIA

He hath, my lord, of late made many tenders

Of his affection to me.

He's let me know how he feels, made a few offerings

of love.

LORD POLONIUS

Affection! pooh! you speak like a green girl,

Unsifted in such perilous circumstance.

Do you believe his tenders, as you call them?

"Feelings"! "Offerings"! A daughter of mine

Should know that teenage boys don't have feelings

to offer.

OPHELIA

I do not know, my lord, what I should think.

He's sensitive!

LORD POLONIUS

Marry, I'll teach you: think yourself a baby;

That you have ta'en these tenders for true pay,

Which are not sterling. Tender yourself more dearly;

Or--not to crack the wind of the poor phrase,

Running it thus--you'll tender me a fool.

Wearing fishnet tops and having greasy bangs doesn't

make a boy sensitive! If you're going to "offer" anything,

let it be a boyfriend who doesn't play in a garage band.

You're embarrassing me.

OPHELIA

My lord, he hath importuned me with love

In honourable fashion.

Dad, he gave me an iPod!

LORD POLONIUS

Ay, fashion you may call it; go to, go to.

It was an older model, don't wet your pants over it.

OPHELIA

And hath given countenance to his speech, my lord,

With almost all the holy vows of heaven.

He completely swore that we were exclusive,

And we're Facebook official.

LORD POLONIUS

Ay, springes to catch woodcocks. I do know,

When the blood burns, how prodigal the soul

Lends the tongue vows: these blazes, child,

You must not take for fire. From this time

Be somewhat scanter of your maiden presence;

Set your entreatments at a higher rate

Than a command to parley. For Lord Hamlet,

Believe so much in him, that he is young

And with a larger tether may he walk

Than may be given you: in few, Ophelia,

Do not believe his vows; for they are brokers,

Not of that dye which their investments show,

But mere implorators of unholy suits,

Breathing like sanctified and pious bawds,

The better to beguile. This is for all:

I would not, in plain terms, from this time forth,

Have you so slander any moment leisure,

As to give words or talk with the Lord Hamlet.

Look to't, I charge you: come your ways.

You consider "It's Complicated" to be Facebook official?

Stop compromising with this jerk!

A horny teenager will do anything to get a dumb girl

to have sex with him, and you're

becoming that dumb girl.

Don't mistake iPods for true love, it's been the downfall

of too many teenage girls. Hamlet is better-looking than

you are, he'll have more chances to lose his virginity

than you will. You need to match up with a man

who's as homely as you, honey, maybe a Jewish

businessman who'll keep you in a nice house and will

only bother you about sex a few times a year.

Hamlet's a waste of your time, he's going to blow his fortune

on iPods for other women. Forget about it.

OPHELIA

I shall obey, my lord.

I'm keeping the iPod, though.

Exeunt

ALL exit.

ACT I, SCENE IV. The platform.

ACT 1, SCENE 4. Outside of Hamlet's castle.

Enter HAMLET, HORATIO, and MARCELLUS

HAMLET, HORATIO, and MARCELLUS enter.

HAMLET

The air bites shrewdly; it is very cold.

Damn, it's cold.

HORATIO

It is a nipping and an eager air.

Your nips are poking, dude.

HAMLET

What hour now?

Stop being creepy. What time is it?

HORATIO

I think it lacks of twelve.

Almost midnight. Your nips are super distracting.

HAMLET

No, it is struck.

Midnight struck a few minutes ago.

HORATIO

Indeed? I heard it not: then it draws near the season

Wherein the spirit held his wont to walk.

Did it? Then your dad should be coming around any minute now.

A flourish of trumpets, and ordnance shot off, within.

A shot is heard along with a guitar riff in the distance.

What does this mean, my lord?

Whoa, was there a show going on tonight?

HAMLET

The king doth wake to-night and takes his rouse, keeps wassail,

and the swaggering up-spring reels; And, as he drains his

draughts of Rhenish down, The kettle-drum and trumpet thus

bray out the triumph of his pledge.

The king's getting fucked up again, this is the third

salsa-dancing party this week.

Every time he chugs a beer, the band freestyles.

Note that our band has never been invited.

HORATIO

Is it a custom?

This happens every night?

HAMLET

Ay, marry, is't:

But to my mind, though I am native here

And to the manner born, it is a custom

More honour'd in the breach than the observance.

This heavy-headed revel east and west

Makes us traduced and tax'd of other nations:

They clepe us drunkards, and with swinish phrase

Soil our addition; and indeed it takes

From our achievements, though perform'd at height,

The pith and marrow of our attribute.

So, oft it chances in particular men,

That for some vicious mole of nature in them,

As, in their birth--wherein they are not guilty,

Since nature cannot choose his origin--

By the o'ergrowth of some complexion,

Oft breaking down the pales and forts of reason,

Or by some habit that too much o'er-leavens

The form of plausive manners, that these men,

Carrying, I say, the stamp of one defect,

Being nature's livery, or fortune's star,--

Their virtues else--be they as pure as grace,

As infinite as man may undergo--

Shall in the general censure take corruption

From that particular fault: the dram of eale

Doth all the noble substance of a doubt

To his own scandal.

Yep, ever since he married my mom.

I'm all for a rager, but they're such frat boys about it.

Makes Denmark look trashy.

Like, I don't think Claudius and Mom have been

reading what people have been saying on the boards,

but they think we're drunks.

Never mind that Mom spent a year overseas helping

some Chinese orphans or my dad backing the French

in their war on American pop culture.

Throw too crazy a party and your reputation's sunk—

the least I can do is to keep writing these amazing pop

punk songs and send out my demos to the rest of Europe.

HORATIO

The world needs more Denfuck Sasquatch.

HAMLET

Iceland agrees, at least. You should really check out their death metal scene, that shit is out of control.

HORATIO

Look, my lord, it comes!

The ghost, Ham!

Enter Ghost

The GHOST enters.

HAMLET

Angels and ministers of grace defend us!

Be thou a spirit of health or goblin damn'd,

Bring with thee airs from heaven or blasts from hell,

Be thy intents wicked or charitable,

Thou comest in such a questionable shape

That I will speak to thee: I'll call thee Hamlet,

King, father, royal Dane: O, answer me!

Let me not burst in ignorance; but tell

Why thy canonized bones, hearsed in death,

Have burst their cerements; why the sepulchre,

Wherein we saw thee quietly inurn'd,

Hath oped his ponderous and marble jaws,

To cast thee up again. What may this mean,

That thou, dead corse, again in complete steel

Revisit'st thus the glimpses of the moon,

Making night hideous; and we fools of nature

So horridly to shake our disposition

Revisit'st thus the glimpses of the moon,

Making night hideous; and we fools of nature

So horridly to shake our disposition

With thoughts beyond the reaches of our souls?

Say, why is this? wherefore? what should we do?

Dad!

Oh my God, this is so crazy. Where you coming from? Heaven? Hell?

Doesn't matter, you are so fucking cool.

Dad? Hamlet...the first? King Dad? HamKing?

Please say something, I've been dreaming of talking with you one last time.

MARCELLUS

(giggles) Hamlet has weird dreams about his dad.

HORATIO

Shut up.

HAMLET

And your armor! You weren't buried in it,

why put it back on now? What do you need

me to do?!

Ghost beckons HAMLET

Ghost gestures to HAMLET.

HORATIO

It beckons you to go away with it,

As if it some impartment did desire

To you alone.

It wants to talk to you!

After four nights, we don't even get to hear it talk.

MARCELLUS

Look, with what courteous action

It waves you to a more removed ground:

But do not go with it.

Don't go with it, Hamlet!

I've seen horror movies, okay? This is your death

warrant.

HORATIO

No, by no means.

Definitely.

HAMLET

It will not speak; then I will follow it.

If it won't talk in from of you, I'm going.

HORATIO

Do not, my lord.

Haven't you seen Blair Witch?

HAMLET

Why, what should be the fear?

I do not set my life in a pin's fee;

And for my soul, what can it do to that,

Being a thing immortal as itself?

It waves me forth again: I'll follow it.

You guys are being wimps.

My life doesn't matter,

And his armor isn't even real.

It looks impatient—I'm going with my dad.

HORATIO

What if it tempt you toward the flood, my lord,

Or to the dreadful summit of the cliff

That beetles o'er his base into the sea,

And there assume some other horrible form,

Which might deprive your sovereignty of reason

And draw you into madness? think of it:

The very place puts toys of desperation,

Without more motive, into every brain

That looks so many fathoms to the sea

And hears it roar beneath.

What if it gets you all involved in its freaky ghost agenda?

Or convinces you to jump off a cliff or some shit! You're s

haking your head, but I could honestly see this happening.

I love you, Ham, but you're pretty damn gullible.

HAMLET

It waves me still.

Go on; I'll follow thee.

Fuck you guys. Coming, Dad!

MARCELLUS

You shall not go, my lord.

We're not letting you do this, bro!

HAMLET

Hold off your hands.

Don't touch me, assholes!

HORATIO

Be ruled; you shall not go.

Hell no, we're not letting you die like this!

HAMLET

My fate cries out,

And makes each petty artery in this body

As hardy as the Nemean lion's nerve.

Still am I call'd. Unhand me, gentlemen.

By heaven, I'll make a ghost of him that lets me!

I say, away! Go on; I'll follow thee.

This isn't the part in the horror movie where I die, guys.

This is the part in the superhero movie where the regular guy

learns something that changes the entire world.

Start walking, Dad! I'm right behind you.

Exeunt Ghost and HAMLET

GHOST and HAMLET exit.

HORATIO

He waxes desperate with imagination.

Well, there goes our lead vocals.

MARCELLUS

Let's follow; 'tis not fit thus to obey him.

No, dude, we gotta follow. You can't sing.

HORATIO

Have after. To what issue will this come?

Follow if you want, it won't change things.

MARCELLUS

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

Denmark's getting fucked, Horatio.

HORATIO

Heaven will direct it.

Isn't that what Denfuck Sasquatch wants?

MARCELLUS

Nay, let's follow him.

Don't be an ass, let's go.

Exeunt

They exit.

ACT I, SCENE V. Another part of the platform.

ACT 1, SCENE 5. A nearby courtyard.

Enter GHOST and HAMLET

The GHOST and HAMLET enter

HAMLET

Where wilt thou lead me? speak; I'll go no further.

My combat boots are giving me blisters, can we stop a sec?

GHOST

Mark me.

Listen up!

HAMLET

I will.

Okay, okay.

GHOST

My hour is almost come,

When I to sulphurous and tormenting flames

Must render up myself.

It's almost time for me to return to

The crazy ghost orgy of the great beyond.

HAMLET

Alas, poor ghost!

Doesn't sound too bad.

GHOST

Pity me not, but lend thy serious hearing

To what I shall unfold.

Don't worry about me, but you need to listen

to what I'm telling you for once.

HAMLET

Speak; I am bound to hear.

I'm not faking it, I swear!

GHOST

So art thou to revenge, when thou shalt hear.

You're going to have to avenge me, kiddo.

HAMLET

What?

What?

GHOST

I am thy father's spirit,

Doom'd for a certain term to walk the night,

And for the day confined to fast in fires,

Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature

Are burnt and purged away. But that I am forbid

To tell the secrets of my prison-house,

I could a tale unfold whose lightest word

Would harrow up thy soul, freeze thy young blood,

Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres,

Thy knotted and combined locks to part

And each particular hair to stand on end,

Like quills upon the fretful porpentine:

But this eternal blazon must not be

To ears of flesh and blood. List, list, O, list!

If thou didst ever thy dear father love--

Long story short, I'm the ghost of your dad.

HAMLET

I've gotten that far.

GHOST

I'm stuck here outside this freezing cold castle I raised you

in until someone avenges me. That's...uh...that's you.

HAMLET

You can't even get inside the castle?

GHOST

I can't, it's the worst! These orgies may sound fun, Hamlet,

but only the most miserable, unhappy souls participate, people

who have been murdered, cheated on...a couple hookers, but

not enough to make it worth it.

HAMLET

O God!

Oh God!

GHOST

Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.

What I'm getting around to is that I was murdered.

HAMLET

Murder!

Murder?!

GHOST

Murder most foul, as in the best it is;

But this most foul, strange and unnatural.

Okay, the audience heard me. You didn't have to repeat it.

HAMLET

Haste me to know't, that I, with wings as swift

As meditation or the thoughts of love,

May sweep to my revenge.

Say the word and I'll have the perp dead by breakfast.

GHOST

I find thee apt;

And duller shouldst thou be than the fat weed

That roots itself in ease on Lethe wharf,

Wouldst thou not stir in this. Now, Hamlet, hear:

'Tis given out that, sleeping in my orchard,

A serpent stung me; so the whole ear of Denmark

Is by a forged process of my death

Rankly abused: but know, thou noble youth,

The serpent that did sting thy father's life

Now wears his crown.

Well, I'm glad you're game. Solid family member.

Now Hamlet, here's the deal:

Everyone in the country still thinks that I was sleeping on the job when I was bitten by a rabid badger.

HAMLET

Seemed legit.

GHOST

Not so—the man who killed me now bangs my wife!

HAMLET

My uncle!

GHOST

Ay, that incestuous, that adulterate beast,

With witchcraft of his wit, with traitorous gifts,--

O wicked wit and gifts, that have the power

So to seduce!--won to his shameful lust

The will of my most seeming-virtuous queen:

O Hamlet, what a falling-off was there!

From me, whose love was of that dignity

That it went hand in hand even with the vow

I made to her in marriage, and to decline

Upon a wretch whose natural gifts were poor

To those of mine!

But virtue, as it never will be moved,

Though lewdness court it in a shape of heaven,

So lust, though to a radiant angel link'd,

Will sate itself in a celestial bed,

And prey on garbage.

But, soft! methinks I scent the morning air;

Brief let me be. Sleeping within my orchard,

My custom always of the afternoon,

Upon my secure hour thy uncle stole,

With juice of cursed hebenon in a vial,

And in the porches of my ears did pour

The leperous distilment; whose effect

Holds such an enmity with blood of man

That swift as quicksilver it courses through

The natural gates and alleys of the body,

And with a sudden vigour doth posset

And curd, like eager droppings into milk,

The thin and wholesome blood: so did it mine;

And a most instant tetter bark'd about,

Most lazar-like, with vile and loathsome crust,

All my smooth body.

Thus was I, sleeping, by a brother's hand

Of life, of crown, of queen, at once dispatch'd:

Cut off even in the blossoms of my sin,

Unhousel'd, disappointed, unanel'd,

No reckoning made, but sent to my account

With all my imperfections on my head:

O, horrible! O, horrible! most horrible!

If thou hast nature in thee, bear it not;

Let not the royal bed of Denmark be

A couch for luxury and damned incest.

But, howsoever thou pursuest this act,

Taint not thy mind, nor let thy soul contrive

Against thy mother aught: leave her to heaven

And to those thorns that in her bosom lodge,

To prick and sting her. Fare thee well at once!

The glow-worm shows the matin to be near,

And 'gins to pale his uneffectual fire:

Adieu, adieu! Hamlet, remember me. [Exits.]

Again, the audience could have put that together themselves?

But you nailed it, Ham, he seduced my once-good wife and

turned her into the dark queen she has become.

HAMLET

She couldn't have controlled her own thoughts and actions?

GHOST

No, women aren't capable of that.

HAMLET

Are you sure? I'm pretty certain that women are just as

capable as men are in terms of—

GHOST

No, no, you've got to believe me on this one. The rest of the

play makes no sense if you don't buy the fact that my brother's

sexual charisma won my widow over three seconds after I'd

been buried.

HAMLET

Seems like a misogynistic things to perpetuate.

GHOST

Let's not split hairs, I don't have much longer to talk. It is true that

I was blowing off a war logistics meeting to nap on the hammock,

but it was your uncle who was the unwelcome visitor. There aren't

even badgers in Denmark. He poured some poison into my ear,

causing me to burst out into a scaly rash.

HAMLET

Ew.

GHOST

\--and robbing me of my position and my wife in the midst of a mediocre

lifetime.

HAMLET

And your son.

GHOST

Did I not say son? He fucked Denmark over big-time, Ham, and it's up to

you to avenge me of this sin. But don't touch your mother! She may be a

gullible idiot, but it's not cool to kill her. I can hear the orgy from here, Hamlet!

Goodbye!

HAMLET

O all you host of heaven! O earth! what else?

And shall I couple hell? O, fie! Hold, hold, my heart;

And you, my sinews, grow not instant old,

But bear me stiffly up. Remember thee!

Ay, thou poor ghost, while memory holds a seat

In this distracted globe. Remember thee!

Yea, from the table of my memory

I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,

All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,

That youth and observation copied there;

And thy commandment all alone shall live

Within the book and volume of my brain,

Unmix'd with baser matter: yes, by heaven!

O most pernicious woman!

O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!

My tables,--meet it is I set it down,

That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain;

At least I'm sure it may be so in Denmark:

[Writing]

So, uncle, there you are. Now to my word;

It is 'Adieu, adieu! remember me.'

I have sworn 't.

Oh, you orgies of purgatory! This is even worse than I thought—finally, something to live for!

As long as I have a leg to stand on, I won't forget the words of that poisoned ghost, nor of the Danish badgers who do not exist.

Damn my mother, who (against all odds) has no mind of her own!

Damn my uncle, and his bountiful sexual charisma!

Where's my phone, I need to get this shit down in writing. They may be villains, but no villain is complete without proper traceable documentation.

Uncle, I'm only following your wonderful example. One may party, and party, and be a murderer, at least in this joke of a country.

[Typing]

So, uncle, there it is. Right here in my texting drafts folder—

"Avenge me!" It'll happen.

MARCELLUS HORATIO

[Within] My lord, my lord,--

[Offstage] Hamlet!

MARCELLUS

[Within] Lord Hamlet,--

[Offstage] Bro—

HORATIO

[Within] Heaven secure him!

[Offstage] The band needs you, bro!

HAMLET

So be it!

The draft has been saved!

HORATIO

[Within] Hillo, ho, ho, my lord!

[Offstage] I hear him! The dumbass is alive!

HAMLET

Hillo, ho, ho, boy! come, bird, come.

Yeah, yeah, come in.

HORATIO and MARCELLUS enter.

Enter HORATIO and MARCELLUS.

MARCELLUS

How is't, my noble lord?

You beat up that ghost?

HORATIO

What news, my lord?

The ghost is gone, so I'm gonna assume—

HAMLET

O, wonderful!

Even better!

HORATIO

Good my lord, tell it.

Better than beating up a ghost?

HAMLET

No; you'll reveal it.

Come on, we're not snitches.

HORATIO

Not I, my lord, by heaven.

Come on, we're not snitches.

MARCELLUS

Nor I, my lord.

Correction: I'm not a snitch.

HAMLET

How say you, then; would heart of man once think it?

But you'll be secret?

You promise not to tell anyone?

HORATIO MARCELLUS

Ay, by heaven, my lord.

We're 80% sure we won't say anything.

HAMLET

There's ne'er a villain dwelling in all Denmark

But he's an arrant knave.

To start off, a villain is a villain is a villain.

HORATIO

There needs no ghost, my lord, come from the grave

To tell us this.

And you needed a ghost to tell you that?

HAMLET

Why, right; you are i' the right;

And so, without more circumstance at all,

I hold it fit that we shake hands and part:

You, as your business and desire shall point you;

For every man has business and desire,

Such as it is; and for mine own poor part,

Look you, I'll go pray.

Okay, hear me out.

That ghost is the real deal—he had my father's infamous lisp,

his love of hookers. It's just easier for us to meet up later,

I need to pray or something.

HORATIO

These are but wild and whirling words, my lord.

You're an awfully fairweather fan of the Lord.

HAMLET

I'm sorry they offend you, heartily;

Yes, 'faith heartily.

I'm sorry if it offended you, altar boy.

HORATIO

There's no offence, my lord.

I didn't mean it like that!

HAMLET

Yes, by Saint Patrick, but there is, Horatio,

And much offence too. Touching this vision here,

It is an honest ghost, that let me tell you:

For your desire to know what is between us,

O'ermaster 't as you may. And now, good friends,

As you are friends, scholars and soldiers,

Give me one poor request.

There is offense to be shared, though, and a lot of it.

I can't get into it, but I do need you guys to do me one favor.

HORATIO

What is't, my lord? we will.

Classic Hamlet—use us, take all the credit. This is just like our

debut album.

HAMLET

Never make known what you have seen to-night.

You can't tell anyone what happened tonight.

HORATIO MARCELLUS

My lord, we will not.

I hope that doesn't include my mom.

HAMLET

Nay, but swear't.

Swear you won't tell, assholes!

HORATIO

In faith,

My lord, not I.

Okay,

Not even my mom.

MARCELLUS

Nor I, my lord, in faith.

Not even my hamster.

HAMLET

Upon my sword.

Swear on my lip ring.

MARCELLUS

We have sworn, my lord, already.

Why do we need to get touchy about it?

HAMLET

Indeed, upon my sword, indeed.

Come on, on my lip ring.

GHOST

[Beneath] Swear.

[Offstage] C'monnnn, guys!

HAMLET

Ah, ha, boy! say'st thou so? art thou there,

truepenny?

Come on--you hear this fellow in the cellarage--

Consent to swear.

Thanks for the shout-out, Dad! Hear that, guys?

You hear that man yelling at you from a hellish sex orgy?

Swear.

HORATIO

Propose the oath, my lord.

What are we swearing, again?

HAMLET

Never to speak of this that you have seen,

Swear by my sword.

Don't tell anyone that happened here.

Swear on my lip ring.

GHOST

[Beneath] Swear.

[Offstage] Do it, guys!

HAMLET

Hic et ubique? then we'll shift our ground.

Come hither, gentlemen,

And lay your hands again upon my sword:

Never to speak of this that you have heard,

Swear by my sword.

Okay, Dad, they get it! They're scared.

Come over here, Horatio, Marcellus,

Put a finger on my lip ring.

GHOST

[Beneath] Swear.

[Offstage] Better fuckin' do it, guys.

HAMLET

Well said, old mole! canst work i' the earth so fast?

A worthy pioner! Once more remove, good friends.

You said it, old man! He sounds pretty far under,

don't you think?

Ah well, let's get this shit over with.

HORATIO

O day and night, but this is wondrous strange!

Holy fuck, this is ridiculous!

HAMLET

And therefore as a stranger give it welcome.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,

Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. But come;

Here, as before, never, so help you mercy,

But listen, no matter how weird I'm acting, you can't ever,

ever give anyone a clue that I'm out

How strange or odd soe'er I bear myself,

As I perchance hereafter shall think meet

To put an antic disposition on,

That you, at such times seeing me, never shall,

With arms encumber'd thus, or this headshake,

Or by pronouncing of some doubtful phrase,

As 'Well, well, we know,' or 'We could, an if we would,'

Or 'If we list to speak,' or 'There be, an if they might,'

Or such ambiguous giving out, to note

That you know aught of me: this not to do,

So grace and mercy at your most need help you, Swear.

And as a ridiculous person, you should go along with it.

There are more things in this world, Horatio, than what you

can imagine in your smoke circles.

Of my mind, I swear on my own lip ring that I'll kill you.

Don't be all, "Oh, Hamlet? He's not as crazy as you think."

Or "That Hamlet guy? He made me swear some crazy shit on his lip ring."

You'll do so at your own risk, my friend.

Swear. On. It.

GHOST

[Beneath] Swear.

Guys, physical violence is at stake now!

HAMLET

Rest, rest, perturbed spirit!

Okay, Dad, I've got this!

They swear

HORATIO and MARCELLUS swear.

So, gentlemen,

With all my love I do commend me to you:

And what so poor a man as Hamlet is

May do, to express his love and friending to you,

God willing, shall not lack. Let us go in together;

And still your fingers on your lips, I pray.

The time is out of joint: O cursed spite,

That ever I was born to set it right!

Nay, come, let's go together.

All right, guys, we're square now.

Let's go back inside and smoke in my chamber,

But after that we're not talking about it again.

Shit's going crazy these days—

HORATIO

So it's a good thing that ghost picked the craziest fuck in Denmark to take care of it.

HAMLET

Okay, I'll roll.

Exeuntsonae

They Exit (also, the act is over, guys.)

ACT II, SCENE 1. A room in POLONIUS' house.

ACT 2, SCENE 1. Polonius's dining room.

Enter POLONIUS and REYNALDO

POLONIUS and REYNALDO enter.

LORD POLONIUS

Give him this money and these notes, Reynaldo.

Give him the bills and the mail, Reynaldo.

REYNALDO

I will, my lord.

All right, all right.

LORD POLONIUS

You shall do marvellous wisely, good Reynaldo,

Before you visit him, to make inquire

Of his behavior.

Between you and me, gauge what he's acting like

before you speak with him. Royalty can be like farm animals

if you piss them off.

REYNALDO

My lord, I did intend it.

Um...okay.

LORD POLONIUS

Marry, well said; very well said. Look you, sir, Inquire me

first what Danskers are in Paris; And how, and who, what

means, and where they keep, what company, at what expense;

and finding by this encompassment and drift of question

That they do know my son, come you more nearer than your

particular demands will touch it: Take you, as 'twere, some

distant knowledge of him; As thus, 'I know his father and his

friends, and in part him: ' do you mark this, Reynaldo?

Well put, Reynaldo.

Stick to the relevant questions—what Danish people are farting

around in Paris, why, who, how, the expense, their friends...

And if anyone mentions Laertes, just be all, "Oh, I don't know

him personally, but I hear his dad is really, really, unfathomably cool."

You'll find out more about him if you play it cool, understood?

REYNALDO

Ay, very well, my lord.

We have varying opinions on what 'playing it cool' mean.

LORD POLONIUS

'And in part him; but' you may say 'not well:

But, if't be he I mean, he's very wild;

Addicted so and so:' and there put on him

What forgeries you please; marry, none so rank as

may dishonour him; take heed of that;

But, sir, such wanton, wild and usual slips

As are companions noted and most known

To youth and liberty.

Be all, "Yeah, I think I know Laertes. Is that the

same Laertes who blacks out every night and has

unprotected sex with both genders? That Laertes?"

I made that up, but you know.

Maybe don't be quite that harsh. Make him sound

like an average guy who gets into average exploits,

you know?

REYNALDO

As gaming, my lord.

Like huffing bath salts?

LORD POLONIUS

Ay, or drinking, fencing, swearing, quarrelling,

Drabbing: you may go so far.

Sure! Or auto-erotic asphyxiation, bicuriosity, prostitute-

cocaine binges...anything is game.

REYNALDO

My lord, that would dishonour him.

Are you sure that wouldn't make him look bad?

LORD POLONIUS

'Faith, no; as you may season it in the charge

You must not put another scandal on him,

That he is open to incontinency;

That's not my meaning: but breathe his faults so quaintly

That they may seem the taints of liberty,

The flash and outbreak of a fiery mind,

A savageness in unreclaimed blood,

Of general assault.

Only if you fuck it up!

All I'm asking is for him to sound like your average

guy who might be taking things too far.

REYNALDO

But, my good lord,--

Bicurious bath salt huffer isn't too far for you?

LORD POLONIUS

Wherefore should you do this?

You have no idea why I'm asking you this, do you?

REYNALDO

Ay, my lord,

I would know that.

Not a fucking clue.

LORD POLONIUS

Marry, sir, here's my drift;

And I believe, it is a fetch of wit:

You laying these slight sullies on my son,

As 'twere a thing a little soil'd i' the working, Mark you,

Your party in converse, him you would sound,

Having ever seen in the prenominate crimes

The youth you breathe of guilty, be assured

He closes with you in this consequence;

'Good sir,' or so, or 'friend,' or 'gentleman,'

According to the phrase or the addition

Of man and country.

Here's my stance on everything,

And it's actually pretty genius.

When you're talking about how Laertes

Bones hookers and does cocaine,

You've got to watch their expression and

See if they're surprised he's doing this crazy shit

Or if they seem to be used to it.

If Laertes really does do this shit,

These people might offer to lend you polos

And call you a bro. Maybe invite you to a rager.

You have to be prepared for that.

REYNALDO

Very good, my lord.

That actually sounds fucking amazing.

LORD POLONIUS

And then, sir, does he this--he does--what was I about

to say? By the mass, I was about to say something:

where did I leave?

And then he'll, um, and then—

Fuck, I lost it. What was I saying?

REYNALDO

At 'closes in the consequence,' at 'friend or so,'

and 'gentleman.'

Um...he'll invite me to frat parties,

Make me a bro.

LORD POLONIUS

At 'closes in the consequence,' ay, marry;

He closes thus: 'I know the gentleman;

I saw him yesterday, or t' other day,

Or then, or then; with such, or such; and, as you say,

There was a' gaming; there o'ertook in's rouse;

There falling out at tennis:' or perchance,

'I saw him enter such a house of sale,'

Videlicet, a brothel, or so forth.

See you now;

Your bait of falsehood takes this carp of truth:

And thus do we of wisdom and of reach,

With windlasses and with assays of bias,

By indirections find directions out:

So by my former lecture and advice,

Shall you my son. You have me, have you not?

Right! "Invited to frat parties." Right.

If he knows who you're talking about

He might say something like,

"Laertes, bro! He comes here all the time

And...er...messes about with ladies of a questionable sort!"

REYNALDO

Just like that?

LORD POLONIUS

Well, that's paraphrasing, you know.

"Laertes got in a fight over Fantasy Football,

Right before going to a house with a dubious reputation"

...that means a brothel.

That's the only way to learn what he's up to. Clear?

REYNALDO

My lord, I have.

Crystal.

LORD POLONIUS

God be wi' you; fare you well.

All right, I'll pay you later.

REYNALDO

Good my lord!

(sighs) Fine.

LORD POLONIUS

Observe his inclination in yourself.

And spy on him in person, too.

REYNALDO

I shall, my lord.

If the parties are as cool as they sound...

LORD POLONIUS

And let him ply his music.

Make sure he's been practicing his tuba.

REYNALDO

Well, my lord.

Sounds like a good time.

LORD POLONIUS

Farewell!

Godspeed!

Exit REYNALDO

REYNALDO exits.

Enter OPHELIA

OPHELIA enters.

How now, Ophelia! what's the matter?

Ophelia, your hair looks terrible!

OPHELIA

O, my lord, my lord, I have been so affrighted!

Dad, sit the fuck down and listen!

LORD POLONIUS

With what, i' the name of God?

Jesus, what is it?

OPHELIA

My lord, as I was sewing in my closet,

Lord Hamlet, with his doublet all unbraced;

No hat upon his head; his stockings foul'd,

Ungarter'd, and down-gyved to his ancle;

Pale as his shirt; his knees knocking each other;

And with a look so piteous in purport

As if he had been loosed out of hell

To speak of horrors,--he comes before me.

So I was at work today working on one of the

Queen's dresses when Hamlet barges in—

To be honest, he smelled terrible and was only

half dressed and came toward me.

He didn't just look like the lead singer of a

goth rock band, he looked like...

LORD POLONIUS

Mad for thy love?

Hell?

Has he gone insane over you?

OPHELIA

My lord, I do not know;

But truly, I do fear it.

The mirror says no,
But it appears to be true.

LORD POLONIUS

What said he?

Yeah, I don't see that adding up.

What did he say to you?

OPHELIA

He took me by the wrist and held me hard;

Then goes he to the length of all his arm;

And, with his other hand thus o'er his brow,

He falls to such perusal of my face

As he would draw it. Long stay'd he so;

At last, a little shaking of mine arm

And thrice his head thus waving up and down,

He raised a sigh so piteous and profound

As it did seem to shatter all his bulk

And end his being: that done, he lets me go:

And, with his head over his shoulder turn'd,

He seem'd to find his way without his eyes;

For out o' doors he went without their helps,

And, to the last, bended their light on me.

Well, he took my arm and just stood there

For a minute, just staring at me.

I was too confused to move.

He stayed there for a couple seconds,

Just staring, then he nodded three times

And left the room. His eyes were on me

The whole time, I have no idea how he

Saw himself out.

LORD POLONIUS

He didn't try anything?

OPHELIA

Would've been less weird if he had.

LORD POLONIUS

Come, go with me: I will go seek the king.

This is the very ecstasy of love,

Whose violent property fordoes itself

And leads the will to desperate undertakings

As oft as any passion under heaven

That does afflict our natures. I am sorry.

What, have you given him any hard words of late?

No, we have to get out of here!

I'll tell the king—there's no other explanation

Other than Hamlet put a curse on you just now,

And plans to sacrifice you so that his band

May have a hit single. I only pray it's not too late.

Have you inspired any songs lately?

OPHELIA

No, my good lord, but, as you did command,

I did repel his fetters and denied

His access to me.

No, I did what you said!

Every time he's offered to serenade me,

I told him I had oboe lessons.

LORD POLONIUS

That hath made him mad.

I am sorry that with better heed and judgment

I had not quoted him: I fear'd he did but trifle,

And meant to wreck thee; but, beshrew my jealousy!

By heaven, it is as proper to our age

To cast beyond ourselves in our opinions

As it is common for the younger sort

To lack discretion. Come, go we to the king:

This must be known; which, being kept close, might

move more grief to hide than hate to utter love.

That must have made him snap.

I wish I had noticed how much he cared about

That ridiculous band before,

I only thought he was trying to impregnate and

Abandon you. Completely off track.

That's just classic me, being all crazy about the wrong thing.

This won't be an easy talk to have, but it's better than

having you slaughtered in the name of post-punk!

Exeunt

They exit.

ACT II, SCENE II. A room in the castle.

ACT 2, SCENE 2. Somewhere in the huge-ass castle.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ,

GUILDENSTERN, and Attendants

KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ,

GUIDENSTERN, and Attendants enter.

KING CLAUDIUS

Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!

Moreover that we much did long to see you,

The need we have to use you did provoke

Our hasty sending. Something have you heard

Of Hamlet's transformation; so call it,

Sith nor the exterior nor the inward man

Resembles that it was. What it should be,

More than his father's death, that thus hath put him so much

from the understanding of himself, I cannot dream of: I entreat

you both, that, being of so young days brought up with him,

and sith so neighbour'd to his youth and behavior,

That you vouchsafe your rest here in our court

Some little time: so by your companies

To draw him on to pleasures, and to gather,

So much as from occasion you may glean,

Whether aught, to us unknown, afflicts him thus, that,

open'd, lies within our remedy.

Rosencrantz! Guildenstern! I know what you're thinking—I just

called because I want you to do me a favor.

I'm here to confirm that, but you should know that I almost

came up with a good excuse for it. You've probably heard about

Hamlet, uh—

QUEEN GERTRUDE

He's lost his shit.

KING CLAUDIUS

Well said, Gertrude. It's been months

Since he lost his father, I doubt it's that.

You'll know better than me, though, you grew up with the little

nutcase. Hang out with him, get him drunk on my tab, and keep

him out of our room after ten at night.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Good gentlemen, he hath much talk'd of you;

And sure I am two men there are not living

To whom he more adheres. If it will please you

To show us so much gentry and good will

As to expend your time with us awhile,

For the supply and profit of our hope,

Your visitation shall receive such thanks

As fits a king's remembrance.

You know Hamlet, guys,

And even though you managed to avoid that

goth phase for—what is it you're doing?

ROSENCRANTZ

We're gay.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

The gay phase, then—

ROSENCRANTZ

Both your majesties

Might, by the sovereign power you have of us,

Put your dread pleasures more into command

Than to entreaty.

GUILDENSTERN

It's not a phase!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Oh, I didn't know—

ROSENCRANTZ

This is a touchy subject with him, don't push it.

GUILDENSTERN

But we both obey,

And here give up ourselves, in the full bent

To lay our service freely at your feet,

To be commanded.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

t's legal now! Claudius legislated it!

KING CLAUDIUS

Thanks, Rosencrantz and gentle Guildenstern.

And people say I'm a shitty king!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Thanks, Guildenstern and gentle Rosencrantz:

And I beseech you instantly to visit

My too much changed son. Go, some of you,

And bring these gentlemen where Hamlet is.

GUILDENSTERN

Heavens make our presence and our practises

Pleasant and helpful to him!

We know that. We know a parade when we see one.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

All that aside...you will hang out with Hamlet?

ROSENCRANTZ

Oh. Yeah, of course, that's why we came.

GUILDENSTERN

We're gonna get him so drunk.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Ay, amen!

Ay, amen!

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and some Attendants.

ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and Attendants exit.

Enter POLONIUS

POLONIUS enters.

LORD POLONIUS

The ambassadors from Norway, my good lord,

Are joyfully return'd.

The Norwegian ambassadors are back,

If you were wondering.

KING CLAUDIUS

Thou still hast been the father of good news.

Hell yeah! You're our good luck charm.

LORD POLONIUS

Have I, my lord? I assure my good liege,

I hold my duty, as I hold my soul,

Both to my God and to my gracious king:

And I do think, or else this brain of mine

Hunts not the trail of policy so sure

As it hath used to do, that I have found

The very cause of Hamlet's lunacy.

Am I?

That's so sweet of you! This is about to get awkward.

I'm pretty sure I've figured out why Hamlet's been acting

so fucking nuts.

KING CLAUDIUS

O, speak of that; that do I long to hear.

What?!

LORD POLONIUS

Give first admittance to the ambassadors;

My news shall be the fruit to that great feast.

You know what? This is too good to give away just yet.

Let's chat with our ambassador buds first.

KING CLAUDIUS

Thyself do grace to them, and bring them in.

You little tease, Polly. Let them in.

Exit POLONIUS

POLONIUS exits.

He tells me, my dear Gertrude, he hath found

The head and source of all your son's distemper.

He says he knows why your little kid is all fucked up,

Gertrude!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

I doubt it is no other but the main;

His father's death, and our o'erhasty marriage.

I know, I heard!

KING CLAUDIUS

Well, we shall sift him.

I was just translating from man to housewife. You're welcome.

Re-enter POLONIUS, with VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS

POLONIUS enters with VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS.

Welcome, my good friends!

Say, Voltimand, what from our brother Norway?

Guys! What's going on with Norway?

Springs? Mountains? All that good stuff?

VOLTIMAND

Most fair return of greetings and desires.

Upon our first, he sent out to suppress

His nephew's levies; which to him appear'd

To be a preparation 'gainst the Polack;

But, better look'd into, he truly found

It was against your highness: whereat grieved,

That so his sickness, age and impotence

Was falsely borne in hand, sends out arrests

On Fortinbras; which he, in brief, obeys;

Receives rebuke from Norway, and in fine

Makes vow before his uncle never more

To give the assay of arms against your majesty.

Whereon old Norway, overcome with joy,

Gives him three thousand crowns in annual fee,

And his commission to employ those soldiers,

So levied as before, against the Polack:

With an entreaty, herein further shown,

Giving a paper

That it might please you to give quiet pass

Through your dominions for this enterprise,

On such regards of safety and allowance

As therein are set down.

\--well, we told his uncle what was going on,

And he found out that Fortinbras wasn't planning to attack

Poland like he said—

Which I fucking told him—

Long story short, he got pissed and arrested

His own nephew for being an a-hole,

And he promised to leave us the hell alone.

The only thing is, the king was so stoked to hear Fortinbras

promise that he gave him the okay

To attack Poland, and they want to shortcut through here.

He hands King Claudius a paper.

So, uh, hope that's cool by you.

KING CLAUDIUS

It likes us well;

And at our more consider'd time well read,

Answer, and think upon this business.

Meantime we thank you for your well-took labour:

Go to your rest; at night we'll feast together:

Most welcome home!

Excellent!

You got the job done.

And now you can finally relax, eat some fries,

And I'll send you the finest whores in the country.

VOLTIMAND

Awesome.

Exeunt VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS

VOLTIMAND and CORNELIUS exit.

LORD POLONIUS

This business is well ended.

My liege, and madam, to expostulate

What majesty should be, what duty is,

Why day is day, night night, and time is time,

Were nothing but to waste night, day and time.

Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit,

And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes,

I will be brief: your noble son is mad:

Mad call I it; for, to define true madness,

What is't but to be nothing else but mad?

But let that go.

You got news, he got hookers.

All's well that ends well.

You know, I think that we could all

Do with a little more of both in their

Lives, wouldn't you say?

If I could have a good fuck alongside

The Times every morning, I'd take it.

Enough about that, though.

Since brevity is the soul of wit,

Let's get to it.

Hamlet is a cute kid, but he's fucking crazy.

Sounds harsh, but how else do I put it?

Excuse that.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

More matter, with less art.

Wait, I'm confused.

LORD POLONIUS

Madam, I swear I use no art at all.

That he is mad, 'tis true: 'tis true 'tis pity;

And pity 'tis 'tis true: a foolish figure;

But farewell it, for I will use no art.

Mad let us grant him, then: and now remains

That we find out the cause of this effect,

Or rather say, the cause of this defect,

For this effect defective comes by cause:

Thus it remains, and the remainder thus. Perpend.

I have a daughter--have while she is mine--

Who, in her duty and obedience, mark,

Hath given me this: now gather, and surmise.

Reads

'To the celestial and my soul's idol, the most

beautified Ophelia,'--

That's an ill phrase, a vile phrase; 'beautified' is a vile phrase:

but you shall hear. Thus:

Reads

'In her excellent white bosom, these, & c.'

What's there to puzzle over?

He's fucking nuts, it's sad, it's hilarious.

And it's sad that it's hilarious, if you'll

Excuse the pun. But fuck it, let me keep going. If we can agree

that Hamlet is out of his mind,

The only thing we can do is figure out why,

Or, rather, what we need to do is what...

What needs to be done.

KING CLAUDIUS

Huh?

LORD POLONIUS

Hear me out.

I have a daughter—well, until I sell her to a man and provide

a shit dowry—Who showed me this letter Hamlet wrote to her,

Check it out:

"To my thoughts before sleep, to the most luscious Ophelia"—

That's awful, "luscious", like she's a steak.

I mean, I can see his...well, never mind.

"In her 36 C's my dreams reside..."

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Came this from Hamlet to her?

Hamlet wrote this to her?

LORD POLONIUS

Good madam, stay awhile; I will be faithful.

If you'd just listen for a damn second—

Reads

'Doubt thou the stars are fire;

Doubt that the sun doth move;

Doubt truth to be a liar;

But never doubt I love.

'O dear Ophelia, I am ill at these numbers;

I have not art to reckon my groans: but that

I love thee best, O most best, believe it. Adieu.

'Thine evermore most dear lady, whilst

this machine is to him, HAMLET.'

This, in obedience, hath my daughter shown me,

And more above, hath his solicitings,

As they fell out by time, by means and place,

All given to mine ear.

Continues reading.

"'Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

If you hook up with another football player

I'll make your life a living hell.'

Ophelia, I'm shit at poetry,

That's why so many of my lyrics are screamed;

Know that I love you like crazy. See you soon.

Forever yours, unless I am on tour,

HAMLET."

Ophelia showed this to me out of fear,

And told me all about his pursuits,

Where, when, the whole thing.

KING CLAUDIUS

But how hath she

Received his love?

Does she like him back, or...?

LORD POLONIUS

What do you think of me?

What do you take me for?!

KING CLAUDIUS

As of a man faithful and honourable.

Like, the best sidekick ever, of course.

LORD POLONIUS

I would fain prove so. But what might you think,

When I had seen this hot love on the wing--

As I perceived it, I must tell you that,

Before my daughter told me--what might you,

Or my dear majesty your queen here, think,

If I had play'd the desk or table-book,

Or given my heart a winking, mute and dumb,

Or look'd upon this love with idle sight;

What might you think? No, I went round to work,

And my young mistress thus I did bespeak:

'Lord Hamlet is a prince, out of thy star;

This must not be:' and then I precepts gave her,

That she should lock herself from his resort,

Admit no messengers, receive no tokens.

Which done, she took the fruits of my advice;

And he, repulsed--a short tale to make--

Fell into a sadness, then into a fast,

Thence to a watch, thence into a weakness,

Thence to a lightness, and, by this declension,

Into the madness wherein now he raves,

And all we mourn for.

I've got several sexual favors that says you're correct.

But what would you take me for if I just let this go?

What about you, Gertrude?

I had to do something, you know?

So I told her this, I told her,

"Ophelia, you have to understand that as

A member of the lower class yours and my

Teeth suck and we're generally less attractive than the royalty—"

KING CLAUDIUS

That's true.

LORD POLONIUS

\--"and so you should discontinue whatever

This weird affair with Hamlet is."

She listened, ignored his texts,

Appeared as invisible on Facebook,

And all that cyber-rejection has driven him

Completely insane, I'm sorry to say.

KING CLAUDIUS

Do you think 'tis this?

What do you think, Gertie?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

It may be, very likely.

Seems legit.

LORD POLONIUS

Hath there been such a time--I'd fain know that--

That I have positively said 'Tis so,'

When it proved otherwise?

Would I lie to you guys?

Well?

KING CLAUDIUS

Not that I know.

Don't see why you would.

LORD POLONIUS

[Pointing to his head and shoulder]

Take this from this, if this be otherwise:

If circumstances lead me, I will find

Where truth is hid, though it were hid indeed

Within the centre.

[Gestures to his head]

If I'm wrong, get old school about it.

Decapitate me. I don't care.

Well, I do. But I'm not wrong.

So, like...it doesn't matter.

KING CLAUDIUS

How may we try it further?

How do we get to the bottom of it?

LORD POLONIUS

You know, sometimes he walks four hours together.

You know, he paces around here all the fucking time.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

So he does indeed.

He is a pacer.

LORD POLONIUS

At such a time I'll loose my daughter to him:

Be you and I behind an arras then;

Mark the encounter: if he love her not

And be not from his reason fall'n thereon,

Let me be no assistant for a state,

But keep a farm and carters.

Next time he does, I'll bait him with Ophelia—

Claud, you and I will hide behind the throne or something

and spy on them. If it's not my crazy-toothed

daughter who's driving him nuts, fire me on the spot.

I've got this one.

KING CLAUDIUS

We will try it.

Not like I'm busy or anything.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

But, look, where sadly the poor wretch comes reading.

Aww, here's Hammy now with the Kindle

His dad got him for Christmas.

LORD POLONIUS

Away, I do beseech you, both away:

I'll board him presently.

Get out, guys, I'll talk to him right now!

Exeunt KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE,

and Attendants

KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, and their

ATTENDANTS exit.

Enter HAMLET, reading

HAMLET enters with his Kindle.

O, give me leave:

How does my good Lord Hamlet?

Well, if it isn't the Angry Birds champion

Of the entire state!

HAMLET

Well, God-a-mercy.

Only Space edition.

LORD POLONIUS

Do you know me, my lord?

You remember me, don't you?

HAMLET

Excellent well; you are a fishmonger.

You work at Burger King, don't you?

LORD POLONIUS

Not I, my lord.

Uh...no, that's not me.

HAMLET

Then I would you were so honest a man.

If that's true, I wish you were as honest a worker as

those burger flippers.

LORD POLONIUS

Honest, my lord!

Honest?!

HAMLET

Ay, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to be

one man picked out of ten thousand.

Honest workers are rarer and rarer these days.

LORD POLONIUS

That's very true, my lord.

I'll agree with you on that one.

HAMLET

For if the sun breed maggots in a dead dog, being a

god kissing carrion,--Have you a daughter?

Only one in many can be,

But the lazy shitheads multiple by the day—wait, do you

have a daughter?

LORD POLONIUS

I have, my lord.

Yes! I mean, um, yes.

HAMLET

Let her not walk i' the sun: conception is a

blessing: but not as your daughter may conceive.

Friend, look to 't.

Don't let that one outside.

The world needs babies, but if your

Daughter was a teen mom...

Well, I don't know.

LORD POLONIUS

[Aside] How say you by that? Still harping on my

daughter: yet he knew me not at first; he said I

was a fishmonger: he is far gone, far gone: and

truly in my youth I suffered much extremity for

love; very near this. I'll speak to him again.

What do you read, my lord?

[Aside] I fucking told you guys!

He's obsessed with getting Ophelia pregnant,

But he didn't know me at sight.

Since I'm vain and rude, I'll assume he not recognizing

me means he's insane.

What're you doing on the tablet, Ham?

HAMLET

Words, words, words.

Birds, birds, birds.

LORD POLONIUS

What is the matter, my lord?

What's the matter, though?

HAMLET

Between who?

Something's the matter?

LORD POLONIUS

I mean, the matter that you read, my lord.

I meant the matter of the birds.

HAMLET

Slanders, sir: for the satirical rogue says here

that old men have grey beards, that their faces are wrinkled,

their eyes purging thick amber and plum-tree gum and

that they have a wit, together with most weak hams:

all which, sir, though I most powerfully and potently

believe, yet I hold it not honesty to have it thus set down,

for yourself, sir, should be old as I am, if like a crab

you could go backward.

They're selfish, sir.

These birds band together to take down

A perfectly docile race, the green pigs.

Blue ones multiply in the air, yellow ones

Accelerate, all with the intent of destruction

It's too close to what happens in real life...

Too close to home, if you ask me.

I'd take all the bird violence back, if I could,

Give assistance and comfort to those poor, royal pigs,

But I's be an idiot to take my score

Off the boards.

LORD POLONIUS

[Aside] Though this be madness, yet there is method

in 't. Will you walk out of the air, my lord?

[Aside] He is crazy, but at least he's smart

Enough to save his high scores.

Ever walk outside, Hammy?

HAMLET

Into my grave.

Only to my fucking grave.

LORD POLONIUS

Indeed, that is out o' the air.

[Aside] How pregnant sometimes his replies are! a happiness

that often madness hits on, which reason and sanity

could not so prosperously be delivered of. I will

leave him, and suddenly contrive the means of

meeting between him and my daughter.--My honourable

lord, I will most humbly take my leave of you.

I mean, I guess that's outside.

[Aside] This tricky bastard!

He can turn around anything I say with his

Moody wit. If he weren't such an ass,

I'd admire it.

Oh well, I'll get to the point and send Ophelia in.

Well, Hammy, my break's over.

HAMLET

You cannot, sir, take from me any thing that I will

more willingly part withal: except my life, except

my life, except my life.

The only break I want to take

Is from the hell I call life.

LORD POLONIUS

Fare you well, my lord.

Yeah...well, um, bye.

HAMLET

These tedious old fools!

Boring old fry cook.

Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN enter.

POLONIUS exits.

POLONIUS exits.

GUILDENSTERN

My honoured lord!

Hamlet, baby!

ROSENCRANTZ

My most dear lord!

You look amazing.

HAMLET

My excellent good friends! How dost thou,

Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do ye both?

My fabulous, fabulous friends!

How the fuck are you guys?

ROSENCRANTZ

As the indifferent children of the earth.

Well, we still get paid more than women.

GUILDENSTERN

Happy, in that we are not over-happy;

On fortune's cap we are not the very button.

We're sort of working our way through the circuit right now;

I'm looking for drag work—

HAMLET

Nor the soles of her shoe?

ROSENCRANTZ

And I'm trying to find a place I can get tenure.

ROSENCRANTZ

Neither, my lord.

HAMLET

Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of her favours?

At least your dad isn't dead.

GUILDENSTERN

'Faith, her privates we.

Damn, I was hoping we could make it through a few minutes

of conversation before

That came up.

HAMLET

In the secret parts of fortune? O, most true; she

is a strumpet. What's the news?

How's your luck been, guys?

ROSENCRANTZ

None, my lord, but that the world's grown honest.

Lady Luck's been decent to us.

HAMLET

Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true.

Let me question more in particular: what have you,

my good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune,

that she sends you to prison hither?

Of course she has, the slut.

GUILDENSTERN

The world's getting better, Hamlet,

I really think so.

HAMLET

Then it's almost the end.

But how can you say you're so lucky

When you've found yourselves

Back at this shithole called Elsinore?

GUILDENSTERN

Prison, my lord!

You call this a shithole?

HAMLET

Denmark's a prison.

This whole country's a prison.

ROSENCRANTZ

Then is the world one.

Then is the whole world one?

HAMLET

A goodly one; in which there are many confines,

wards and dungeons,

Denmark being one o' the worst.

More or less, but Denmark is

The high facility one where they send

Homicidal maniacs... have you met my uncle?

ROSENCRANTZ

We think not so, my lord.

GUILDENSTERN

Such a nice guy!

HAMLET

Why, then, 'tis none to you; for there is nothing either good or bad,

but thinking makes it so: to me it is a prison.

What crimes bring you to this prison?

ROSENCRANTZ

Why then, your ambition makes it one; 'tis too

narrow for your mind.

If Elsinore is a prison,

It's only because your mind is too big for it.

HAMLET

O God, I could be bounded in a nut shell and count myself a king

of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams.

Too big?

I could live in a trailer and be happy.

It's not the space,

It's the thoughts that fuck with me.

GUILDENSTERN

Which dreams indeed are ambition, for the very substance of the

ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream.

Listen, honey.

Your ambitions are all thoughts.

You crazy thing.

HAMLET

A dream itself is but a shadow.

My dreams are my prison.

ROSENCRANTZ

Truly, and I hold ambition of so airy and light a quality that it

is but a shadow's shadow.

Damn right. You just have to go with the flow

Like Guild and I here, and you'll be fine.

GUILDENSTERN

Oh my God, yes.

HAMLET

Then are our beggars bodies, and our monarchs and outstretched

heroes the beggars' shadows. Shall we

to the court? for, by my fay, I cannot reason.

All right, enough preaching.

Come inside, my head's killing me.

ROSENCRANTZ/GUILDENSTERN

We'll wait upon you.

Whatever you want, Hammy.

HAMLET

No such matter: I will not sort you with the rest of my servants, for, to

speak to you like an honest man, I am most dreadfully attended. But,

in the beaten way of friendship, what make you at Elsinore?

No, don't act like my servants—

My servants suck ass, to be honest,

And I don't want you in that class.

You still haven't answered me, though—

Why come to Elsinore now?

ROSENCRANTZ

To visit you, my lord; no other occasion.

We missed you, baby.

HAMLET

Beggar that I am, I am even poor in thanks; but I thank you: and sure,

dear friends, my thanks are too dear a halfpenny. Were you not sent for?

Is it your own inclining?

Is it a free visitation? Come, deal justly with me: come, come; nay, speak.

Well, thanks, if you can

Appreciate the gratitude of an emo frontman.

You just, like, decided to come out of nowhere? Did someone ask you to

come? Come on guys, be straight with me.

GUILDENSTERN

What should we say, my lord?

Bad joke, Ham.

HAMLET

Why, any thing, but to the purpose. You were sent for; and there is a kind

of confession in your looks which your modesties have not craft enough to

colour: I know the good king and queen have sent for you.

But seriously, what brought you here?

I bet you your spanks that someone

Asked you to be here, I can see it in your damn faces.

ROSENCRANTZ

To what end, my lord?

GUILDENSTERN

I'm wearing blush, it's not natural!

HAMLET

The king and queen sent for you, hmm?

ROSENCRANTZ

What would give you that crazy idea?

HAMLET

That you must teach me. But let me conjure you, by the rights of our fellowship,

by the consonancy of our youth, by the obligation of our ever-preserved love,

and by what more dear a better proposer could charge you withal, be even and

direct whether you were sent for, or no?

Only you can tell me that, asshole.

Come on, guys, we used to play

Pokemon on Xbox together.

You've got to be honest with me.

ROSENCRANTZ

[Aside to GUILDENSTERN] What say you?

[to Guild] Not a great reason to squeal, huh?

HAMLET

[Aside] Nay, then, I have an eye of you.--If you love me, hold not off.

GUILDENSTERN

My lord, we were sent for.

Don't pull that shit!

We were called, I'm not ashamed to say it.

HAMLET

I will tell you why; so shall my anticipation

prevent your discovery, and your secrecy to the king and queen moult no

feather. I have of late—but wherefore I know not--lost all my mirth,

forgone all custom of exercises;

and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame,

the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory, this most excellent canopy, the

air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted

with golden fire, why, it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent

congregation of vapours. What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason!

how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how express and admirable! in

action how like an angel! in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the

world! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of

dust? man delights not me: no, nor woman neither, though by your smiling

you seem to say so.

I already knew that, guys,

I just needed you to say it.

They want someone to keep an eye on me

So I don't pull a Kurt Cobain or

Whatever stunt they think I'm trying to pull.

I've stopped going to the gym, I've stopped

Riding my mountain bike—

Outside, where we used to run around as effeminate kids, does nothing

for me now. It's so fucking strange, because I still know

How amazing people can be—

I mean, as long as Depeche Mode is still touring, It's impossible to deny.

We could all do such good if we wanted,

Could observe all this crazy shit,

But it barely matters to me anymore.

Even sorority girls don't interest me anymore,

But I can tell you don't believe me.

ROSENCRANTZ

My lord, there was no such stuff in my thoughts.

[Giggles] Naw, we totally believe you.

HAMLET

Why did you laugh then, when I said 'man delights not me'?

Then what's so funny, Mr. Tenure?

ROSENCRANTZ

To think, my lord, if you delight not in man, what lenten

entertainment the players shall receive from you:

we coted them on the way; and hither are they

coming, to offer you service.

I was just thinking that if people mean

Nothing to you,

That acting troop coming through tonight

Is gonna do nothing for you.

We passed them on the way in.

HAMLET

Not the case!

The actor playing the king will be welcome;

shall have tribute of me; the adventurous knight shall use his

foil and target; the lover shall not sigh gratis; the humourous

man shall end his part in peace; the clown shall make those

laugh whose lungs are tickled o' the sere; and the lady shall

say her mind freely, or the blank verse shall halt for't.

What players are they?

Not the case!

The actor playing the king will be welcome;

Chances are, I'll treat him better than the

Real king. I'll respect the guy who plays the

Knight, snuggle the man who plays the lover--

GUILDENSTERN

Ooh.

HAMLET

And laugh at the comedian. What troupe is it?

ROSENCRANTZ

Even those you were wont to take delight in, the tragedians

of the city.

Yeah, they've been touring more and more

Since you came back to Elsinore.

HAMLET

How chances it they travel? their residence, both in reputation

and profit, was better both ways.

What, they're not selling tickets anymore?

I always wanted Denfuck Sasquatch to open for them.

ROSENCRANTZ

I think their inhibition comes by the means of the late innovation.

They're being replaced by vaudeville or something.

HAMLET

Do they hold the same estimation they did when I was in the city?

are they so followed?

Damn, do they suck now?

ROSENCRANTZ

No, indeed, are they not.

HAMLET

How comes it? do they grow rusty?

ROSENCRANTZ

Nay, their endeavour keeps in the wonted pace: but there is, sir, an aery

of children, little eyases, that cry out on the top of question, and are most

tyrannically clapped for't: these are now the fashion, and so berattle the

common stages--so they call them--that many wearing rapiers are afraid of

goose-quills and dare scarce come thither.

Naw, they're still good.

People in the city are into these weird

Movies about a child wizard,

And are pretty much over the whole

Burlesque thing.

HAMLET

What, are they children? who maintains 'em? how are they escoted?

Will they pursue the quality no longer than they can sing? will

they not say afterwards, if they should grow

better--their writers do them wrong, to make them exclaim against

their own succession?

Boy wizards? What the fuck is that about?

Who could possible enjoy something so stupid?

There can only be so many movies

Before the boy wizards become men.

Would people see those, too?

ROSENCRANTZ

I know, it's real dumb. People at Guild's work keep dressing up like

witches—

GUILDENSTERN

Stupid.

ROSENCRANTZ

'Faith, there has been much to do on both sides; and the nation holds it

no sin to tarre them to controversy: there was, for a while, no money bid

for argument, unless the poet and the player went to cuffs in the question.

Either way, this poor troupe is suffering for it.

HAMLET

Is't possible?

That's terrible.

GUILDENSTERN

O, there has been much throwing about of brains.

Those theater boys have been freaking over it.

HAMLET

Do the boys carry it away?

And the wizards sell more tickets than the actors?

ROSENCRANTZ

Ay, that they do, my lord; Hercules and his load too.

Yup, they're sweeping.

HAMLET

It is not very strange; for mine uncle is king of

Denmark, and those that would make mows at him while my father lived, give

twenty, forty, fifty, an hundred ducats a-piece for his picture in little. 'Sblood, there

is something in this more than natural, if philosophy could find it.

It's unfair, but maybe that's just how it works. I remember people who would call

my uncle a freeloading shithead a few months ago are paying half their salary for

holographic trading cards of him now.

GUILDENSTERN

Guilty!

Flourish of trumpets within

Loud shouts are heard from another room.

GUILDENSTERN

There are the players.

ROSENCRANTZ

They must be here!

HAMLET

Gentlemen, you are welcome to Elsinore. Your hands, come then: the appurtenance

of welcome is fashion and ceremony: let me comply with you in this garb, lest my

extent to the players, which, I tell you, must show fairly outward, should more appear

like entertainment than yours. You are welcome: but my uncle-father and aunt mother

are deceived.

Well, welcome, guys.

Group hug, just like when we were little!

If we don't hug and then I'm all buddy-buddy with the actors, they'll think I hate

you or some shit. I'm happy to have you here,

But my mom-aunt and dad-uncle have diagnosed me all wrong.

GUILDENSTERN

In what, my dear lord?

They do?

HAMLET

I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from

a handsaw.

I'm only batshit about a couple things.

It's not like I can't function, Jesus.

Enter POLONIUS

POLONIUS enters.

LORD POLONIUS

Well be with you, gentlemen!

Hey, gays!

HAMLET

Hark you, Guildenstern; and you too: at each ear a hearer: that great baby you see

there is not yet out of his swaddling-clouts.

Listen up, guys, really pay attention to this asshole coming in!

He's a big old New Year's baby in a diaper.

ROSENCRANTZ

Happily he's the second time come to them; for they say an old man is twice a child.

Old people are like babies,

But three-hundred pound ones.

HAMLET

I will prophesy he comes to tell me of the players; mark it. You say right, sir: o'

Monday morning; 'twas so indeed.

I bet he's about to state the obvious.

[to Polonius] Yes, sir, it is a Monday.

LORD POLONIUS

My lord, I have news to tell you.

Good news!

HAMLET

My lord, I have news to tell you.

When Roscius was an actor in Rome,--

And I have news for you. Back when

Tom Cruise was a legitimate actor...

LORD POLONIUS

The actors are come hither, my lord.

The actors are here, Ham!

HAMLET

Buz, buz!

Yeah, whatever.

LORD POLONIUS

Upon mine honour,--

You ungrateful little—

HAMLET

Then came each actor on his ass,--

Did all the actors get here on their asses?

LORD POLONIUS

The best actors in the world, either for

historical-pastoral, tragical-historical, tragical-

comical-historical-pastoral, scene individable, or poem unlimited:

Seneca cannot be too heavy, nor Plautus too light. For the law of writ

and the liberty, these are the only men.

They're the best in the business, sir—

They've done rom coms, they've done action.

They've done Sex and the City and they've done Return of the Jedi.

They've worked for Bill Maher, and they've

Posed for Annie Leibowitz.

In short, they're the real deal.

HAMLET

O Jephthah, judge of Israel, what a treasure hadst thou!

[Snorts] In short. Where's Ophelia?

LORD POLONIUS

[Aside] Still on my daughter.

Still on my daughter, I see.

HAMLET

Am I not i' the right, old Jephthah?

What was that, old man?

LORD POLONIUS

If you call me Jephthah, my lord, I have a daughter that I love

passing well.

If you call me old man, Hammy, I admit it.

I have a lovely daughter, yes.

HAMLET

Nay, that follows not.

No, that doesn't make sense.

LORD POLONIUS

What follows, then, my lord?

What does, then?

HAMLET

Why,

'As by lot, God wot,'

and then, you know, 'It came to pass, as most like it was,'-- the first

row of the pious chanson will show you more; for look, where my

abridgement comes.

Well,

[sings] One fine daughter, and no more,

Who was lovely as anything.

If you want to know more,

Refer to the song.

Oh, here are the old bastards.

Enter four or five Players

The PLAYERS enter.

You are welcome, masters; welcome, all. I am glad to see thee well.

Welcome, good friends. O, my friend! thy face is valenced since I saw

thee last: comest thou to beard me in Denmark? What, my young lady and

mistress! By'r lady, your ladyship is nearer to heaven than when I saw you

last, by the altitude of a chopine. Pray God, your voice, like apiece of uncurrent

gold, be not cracked within the ring. Masters, you are all welcome. We'll e'en to't

like French falconers, fly at any thing we see:

we'll have a speech straight: come, give us a speech.

Good to see you, guys, glad you're still in business. We're stoked for the show.

[Turns to an actor] Oh, shit, I barely recognized you! Those gauges are gigantic.

And you, girl! Your hair is even more bleach blonde than the last time I saw you,

you big fucking faker.

You're all welcome here, guys, you know your

Way around. But before I turn you loose, a speech!

Speech, speech, speech, speech!

ALL

Taste of your quality; come, a passionate speech.

Speech, speech, speech, speech!

FIRST PLAYER

What speech, my lord?

Jesus, a speech about what?

HAMLET

I heard thee speak me a speech once, but it was never acted; or, if it was, not above

once; for the play, I remember, pleased not the million; 'twas caviare to the general:

but it was--as I received it, and others, whose judgments in such matters cried in the

top of mine--an excellent play, well digested in the scenes, set down with as much

modesty as cunning. I remember, one said there were no sallets in the lines to make

the matter savoury, nor no matter in the phrase that might indict the author of

affectation; but called it an honest method, as wholesome as sweet, and by very

much more handsome than fine. One speech in it I chiefly loved: 'twas Aeneas' tale

to Dido; and thereabout of it especially, where he speaks of

Priam's slaughter: if it live in your memory, begin at this line: let me see, let me see--

'The rugged Pyrrhus, like the Hyrcanian beast,'-- it is not so:--it begins with Pyrrhus:--

'The rugged Pyrrhus, he whose sable arms,

Black as his purpose, did the night resemble

When he lay couched in the ominous horse,

Hath now this dread and black complexion smear'd With heraldry more dismal; head

to foot now is he total gules; horridly trick'd

With blood of fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, Baked and impasted with the parching

streets, That lend a tyrannous and damned light to their lord's murder: roasted in wrath

and fire, And thus o'er-sized with coagulate gore, with eyes like carbuncles, the hellish

Pyrrhus old grandsire Priam seeks.' So, proceed you.

Come on, Ronnie! I've heard you make far drunker speeches than this one,

During that short run you did in the Vagina Monologues.

FIRST PLAYER

Don't remind me.

HAMLET

Yeah, how were ticket sales for that?

Nah, I'm fucking with you, it was a good play. The public can't appreciate the subtle

acting genius of a man in hooker makeup pretending that they're hitting menopause,

but I did, and so did the critics, if you remember.

The critic said there should have been more blood, but I disagree. How did it go?

"In this fateful hour, when my fertile—"

Fuck, that's not it.

"My fertile eggs have evaporated into

The sands of time, just as my income has

Been lost to the winds of a husband who

Can't seem to get promoted at Radio Shack.

I've only bore one child, who ended up in juvie

When I picked up a second job, and it will be

Many a year before he emerges a truly grizzled

Criminal, having escaped with an artfully crafted

Bar of soap.

It is only now, that I have no more blood to give,

That I want the streets to run with it."

Pretty close, yeah?

LORD POLONIUS

'Fore God, my lord, well spoken, with good accent and good discretion.

That was as gross as I remember it.

FIRST PLAYER

'Anon he finds him

Striking too short at Greeks; his antique sword, rebellious to his arm, lies where it falls,

repugnant to command: unequal match'd, Pyrrhus at Priam drives; in rage strikes wide;

But with the whiff and wind of his fell sword the unnerved father falls. Then senseless

Ilium, seeming to feel this blow, with flaming top stoops to his base, and with a hideous

crash takes prisoner Pyrrhus' ear: for, lo! his sword, which was declining on the milky

head of reverend Priam, seem'd i' the air to stick: so, as a painted tyrant, Pyrrhus stood,

and like a neutral to his will and matter,

Did nothing. But, as we often see, against some storm, a silence in the heavens, the rack

stand still, the bold winds speechless and the orb below as hush as death, anon the

dreadful thunder doth rend the region, so, after Pyrrhus' pause, aroused vengeance sets

him new a-work; And never did the Cyclops' hammers fall on Mars's armour forged for

proof eterne with less remorse than Pyrrhus' bleeding sword Now falls on Priam.

Out, out, thou strumpet, Fortune! All you gods, In general synod 'take away her power;

Break all the spokes and fellies from her wheel, and bowl the round nave down the hill

of heaven, As low as to the fiends!'

You're bringing me back, Ham. And then to wrap up the show:

"Last dance, Last chance, for love

Yes, it's my last chance, for romance, tonight

I need you, by me,

Beside me, to guide me,

To hold me, to scold me,

'Cause when I'm bad

I'm so' so bad

So let's dance, the last dance

Let's dance, this last dance tonight

Last dance, last chance for love

Yes it's my last chance

For romance tonight

Oh, I need you, by me,

Beside me, to guide,

To hold me, to scold me,

'Cause when I'm bad I'm so, so bad

So let's dance, the last dance

Let's dance, this last dance tonight"

LORD POLONIUS

This is too long.

This is song is seven minutes long!

HAMLET

It shall to the barber's, with your beard. Prithee, say on: he's for a jig or a tale of

bawdry, or he sleeps: say on: come to Hecuba.

We'll edit it in post, fatty.

Keep going, sir, old Polly here will

Fall asleep until the sex scene.

FIRST PLAYER

'But who, O, who had seen the mobled queen--'

And then we'd go to the scene where the fallen queen, fresh from having a hot

flash—

HAMLET

'The mobled queen?'

Fallen queen?

LORD POLONIUS

That's good; 'mobled queen' is good.

That sounds nice, "fallen queen" is nice.

FIRST PLAYER

'Run barefoot up and down, threatening the flames With bisson rheum; a clout upon

that head where late the diadem stood, and for a robe, About her lank and all

o'er-teemed loins, A blanket, in the alarm of fear caught up;

Who this had seen, with tongue in venom steep'd, 'Gainst Fortune's state would

treason have pronounced: But if the gods themselves did see her then when she saw

Pyrrhus make malicious sport in mincing with his sword her husband's limbs,

The instant burst of clamour that she made,

Unless things mortal move them not at all,

Would have made milch the burning eyes of heaven, And passion in the gods.'

You don't remember that part?!

"This glorious snatch which has born kings

Now falls to such ruin—

No, Harry, get out of here!

I don't care if you have a line, this is my moment!—

Jesus, everyone, I'm sorry.

Could someone turn up the air conditioning?

It's up? Bullshit.

In this moment of true weakness I find my

Own emotions betray the portrayal of myself

It has taken years to solidify—

Harry! I don't care if it's your turn,

I am the queen and you will get out of here!

And turn on the air conditioning!"

LORD POLONIUS

Look, whether he has not turned his colour and has tears in's eyes. Pray you,

no more.

Oh, God, I've been through this before.

Stop, stop!

HAMLET

'Tis well: I'll have thee speak out the rest soon. good my lord, will you see the

players well bestowed? Do you hear, let them be well used; for they are the

abstract and brief chronicles of the time: after your death you were better have a

bad epitaph than their ill report while you live.

All right, I'll let him finish another time.

Polly, would you find tucking the actors in?

And make sure they play all the beer pong they want before bedsies.

It's going to be a big show they've got coming up, and you'll have a hand in it.

LORD POLONIUS

My lord, I will use them according to their desert.

I've got it under control, they'll be treated well.

HAMLET

God's bodykins, man, much better: use every man after his desert, and who should '

scape whipping?

Use them after your own honour and dignity: the less they deserve, the more merit is

in your bounty. Take them in.

Treat them better than you treat yourself,

At least, if that dirty old mop on your head

Is any indication of your grooming habits.

All right, take them.

LORD POLONIUS

Come, sirs.

Come on, fellas.

HAMLET

Follow him, friends: we'll hear a play tomorrow.

Go ahead, guys! And remember, you have a show going up tomorrow.

Exit POLONIUS with all the Players but the First

POLONIUS exits with everyone but the FIRST PLAYER.

Dost thou hear me, old friend; can you play the Murder of Gonzago?

Hey, Ronnie! Could you guys do "Surely You Wouldn't Poison Me" at the party

tomorrow?

FIRST PLAYER

Ay, my lord.

Sure, how come?

HAMLET

We'll ha't to-morrow night. You could, for a need, study a speech of some dozen or

sixteen lines, which I would set down and insert in't, could you not?

Let's see that one. I'm going the throw in some lines of my own in the script, if

that's cool.

FIRST PLAYER

Ay, my lord.

Sounds good to me.

HAMLET

Very well. Follow that lord; and look you mock him not.

All right, go ahead and follow Fatty. Try not to make fun of him.

Exit First Player

The FIRST PLAYER exits.

My good friends, I'll leave you till night: you are welcome to Elsinore.

Guys, we can meet up later for beers or something. Good to have you here.

ROSENCRANTZ

Good my lord!

Don't slit your wrists before we get there, bud.

HAMLET

Ay, so, God be wi' ye;

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit.

Now I am alone.

O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!

Is it not monstrous that this player here,

But in a fiction, in a dream of passion,

Could force his soul so to his own conceit

That from her working all his visage wann'd,

Tears in his eyes, distraction in's aspect,

A broken voice, and his whole function suiting with forms to his conceit? and

all for nothing! For Hecuba! What's Hecuba to him, or he to Hecuba, that he

should weep for her? What would he do, Had he the motive and the

cue for passion that I have? He would drown

the stage with and cleave the general ear with horrid speech,

Make mad the guilty and appal the free,

Confound the ignorant, and amaze indeed

The very faculties of eyes and ears. Yet I,

A dull and muddy-mettled rascal, peak,

Like John-a-dreams, unpregnant of my cause,

And can say nothing; no, not for a king,

Upon whose property and most dear life

A damn'd defeat was made. Am I a coward?

Who calls me villain? breaks my pate across?

Plucks off my beard, and blows it in my face?

Tweaks me by the nose? gives me the lie i' the throat, As deep as to the lungs?

who does me this? Ha!

'Swounds, I should take it: for it cannot be

But I am pigeon-liver'd and lack gall

To make oppression bitter, or ere this

I should have fatted all the region kites

With this slave's offal: bloody, bawdy villain!

Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain! O, vengeance!

Why, what an ass am I! This is most brave,

That I, the son of a dear father murder'd,

Prompted to my revenge by heaven and hell,

Must, like a whore, unpack my heart with words, And fall a-cursing, like a very

drab, a scullion!

Fie upon't! foh! About, my brain! I have heard

That guilty creatures sitting at a play

Have by the very cunning of the scene

Been struck so to the soul that presently

They have proclaim'd their malefactions;

For murder, though it have no tongue, will speak with most miraculous organ. I'll

have these players play something like the murder of my father before mine uncle:

I'll observe his looks; I'll tent him to the quick: if he but blench,

I know my course. The spirit that I have seen

May be the devil: and the devil hath power

To assume a pleasing shape; yea, and perhaps

Out of my weakness and my melancholy,

As he is very potent with such spirits,

Abuses me to damn me: I'll have grounds

More relative than this: the play 's the thing

Wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king.

Finally, a second to myself.

God, I'm an asshole, huh?

Acting like that makes me feel sick, and it's not only because of the touchy subject

matter. The fact that those talented jerks spend all their time pretending to be

someone else, crying, dressing in drag, and for what?

For me, for a big, stupid asshole.

They couldn't possibly understand what a big task I'm going to use them for, or

they'd drown the audience with their pitiful tears.

Tears for whom?

For me, for a big, stupid asshole.

They'd want me to fight Claudius, kick his ass and wring my mom out by her neck—

But no, all I can think about it pissing them off by using these actors, because I'm

too fucking wimpy to raise a hand to them myself. Am I as big of a wimp as I feel?

God, if this isn't the emo kid condition in a nutshell. I wish someone would slap me

in the face and make everything clear again,

And I wouldn't even fight them.

Why?

Because I'm a big, wimpy fucking asshole.

If I haven't murdered Claud by now, I never will.

All I can do is cuss in the streets like some two-bit gothic pimp, when I've got a ghost

for a dad and an incestuous mother!

Fuck, Hamlet! Get your shit together!

A pause.

Okay, okay. Enough of that shit.

I've seen in some old plays the people's guilt show on their faces when they're called out

for doing wrong. Was it an episode of The Closer?

It probably was. Anyway.

I'll tell these actors to act out the murder of my dad, and keep an eye on Claud the whole

time. If the cracks start to show, I'll know for sure that he did it.

The old, scream band singing Hamlet would be cool with a ghost as evidence,

But I'm gonna need a little more.

The play's the thing

Where I'll get this bastard good.

Exit

HAMLET exits.

ACT III, SCENE I. A room in the castle.

ACT 3, SCENE 1. Somewhere in Elsinore.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, OPHELIA,

ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN .

KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, OPHELIA,

ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN enter.

KING CLAUDIUS

And can you, by no drift of circumstance,

Get from him why he puts on this confusion,

Grating so harshly all his days of quiet

With turbulent and dangerous lunacy?

Let me get this straight. There's two of you—

Two gay men with two collective gay man intuitions, and you can't

figure Hammy out?

ROSENCRANTZ

He does confess he feels himself distracted;

But from what cause he will by no means speak.

He admits that he's fucked up,

But he can't exactly say why, you know?

GUILDENSTERN

Nor do we find him forward to be sounded,

But, with a crafty madness, keeps aloof,

When we would bring him on to some confession of his true state.

What Hammy's going through is typical, Clauddy. The more you bug him,

the more he's going to bite back.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Did he receive you well?

Was he happy to see you, at least?

ROSENCRANTZ

Most like a gentleman.

He was totally excited.

GUILDENSTERN

But with much forcing of his disposition.

But he was forcing it a little.

ROSENCRANTZ

Niggard of question; but, of our demands,

Most free in his reply.

He wouldn't ask us anything, but he gave long-ass, confusing

answers to our questions.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Did you assay him?

To any pastime?

Did you three get fucked up together?

ROSENCRANTZ

Madam, it so fell out, that certain players

We o'er-raught on the way: of these we told him;

And there did seem in him a kind of joy

To hear of it: they are about the court,

And, as I think, they have already order

This night to play before him.

We distracted him with those cute actors

Who were passing through town,

He seemed pretty excited to see them in his mopey, sad-boy kind of way.

They're going to be putting on a show tonight, if you wanna come.

LORD POLONIUS

'Tis most true:And he beseech'd me to entreat your majesties to hear and

see the matter.

That's the truth, guys,

Hamlet wanted me to invite you two to see it with him.

KING CLAUDIUS

With all my heart; and it doth much content me to hear him so inclined.

Good gentlemen, give him a further edge,

And drive his purpose on to these delights.

Look at the little guy perking up!

Of course we'll go.

I take back what I said before,

You gays are doing him good.

ROSENCRANTZ

We shall, my lord.

Thanks for the marriage rights, Claud!

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit.

KING CLAUDIUS

Sweet Gertrude, leave us too;

For we have closely sent for Hamlet hither,

That he, as 'twere by accident, may here

Affront Ophelia:

Her father and myself, lawful espials,

Will so bestow ourselves that, seeing, unseen,

We may of their encounter frankly judge,

And gather by him, as he is behaved,

If 't be the affliction of his love or no

That thus he suffers for.

All right, baby, give me a moment with Polly here.

We're doing that thing where we release Ophelia out into the wild and

see how Hamlet's acting. Polly and I are going to pop a squat

Behind that curtain and decide once and for all

If he's suffering from love or from something even shittier.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

I shall obey you.

And for your part, Ophelia, I do wish

That your good beauties be the happy cause

Of Hamlet's wildness: so shall I hope your virtues will bring him to his

wonted way again, to both your honours.

Damn, I'm out of here.

As for you, Ophelia, here's to hoping your average look and unfortunate

body type is the reason Hamlet's being so crazy,

Although I highly doubt it.

OPHELIA

Madam, I wish it may.

Rude.

Exit QUEEN GERTRUDE

QUEEN GERTRUDE exits.

LORD POLONIUS

Ophelia, walk you here. Gracious, so please you,

We will bestow ourselves.

To OPHELIA

To OPHELIA

Read on this book;

That show of such an exercise may colour

Your loneliness. We are oft to blame in this,--

'Tis too much proved--that with devotion's visage and pious action we

do sugar o'erthe devil himself.

Read this Bible, honey

So you'll look as lonely and vulnerable as possible.

You know, it's funny—this isn't the first time we've used religion to

commit a felony. [Laughs]

KING CLAUDIUS

[Aside] O, 'tis too true!

How smart a lash that speech doth give my conscience!

The harlot's cheek, beautied with plastering art, is not more ugly to the

thing that helps it than is my deed to my most painted word:

O heavy burthen!

[Aside] Fuck, he's right!

No, Claud, don't think about it.

Polly's homely daughter's pimply face covered in off-shade foundation

looks exactly like my soul. Damn it, Claud, keep it together!

LORD POLONIUS

I hear him coming: let's withdraw, my lord.

Hammy's coming! Come here, Claud.

Exeunt KING CLAUDIUS and POLONIUS

KING CLAUDIUS and POLONIUS exit.

Enter HAMLET

HAMLET enters.

HAMLET

To be, or not to be: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a

consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled

off this mortal coil, must give us pause: there's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life;

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor's wrong,

the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office and the spurns

That patient merit of the unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

What asshole in his right mind would decide to work shit jobs, get fat, have

a litter of idiot kids The undiscover'd country from whose bourn no traveller

returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprises of great pith and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry,

And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!

The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons

Be all my sins remember'd.

Well, I'm either alive or I'm not, right?

Is it smarter to end it all Cobain style or fight all this pain and spooky

activity that's been going on and finish the assholes off? Makes me tired

to think of it.

A razorblade would mean the Denfuck Sasquatch breaks up—but to

think that it could end this fucking nightmare that my social life is becoming,

maybe that's not the worst thing.

I've taken naps almost as long as death, but who's to say there's wet dreams

after there's nothing to wake up to?

That's the problem, I guess. To sleep without dreams is like good music without

swooping haircuts—not even worth it.

But why bother putting up with all this bullshit—

My mom's blindness, Claud's lies, my dad in purgatory, the fact that I can't

get laid and the band won't ever tour no matter how many times I offer to let

everyone use my van—

When you can just take too many Advil and end it?

When they could just chill in the great beyond?

It's because they're afraid—people do all this crap because they're scared

of dying, and fear of death is so not metal.

Oh, damn! There's Ophelia!

Um...hey, what's up?

OPHELIA

Good my lord,

How does your honour for this many a day?

I'm all right, how've you been?

HAMLET

I humbly thank you; well, well, well.

I'm good! So good.

OPHELIA

My lord, I have remembrances of yours,

That I have longed long to re-deliver;

I pray you, now receive them.

So, this is kind of weird to bring up,

But I have all those old comic books you sent me that I wanted to give back.

HAMLET

No, not I; I never gave you aught.

I didn't give you any comics.

OPHELIA

My honour'd lord, you know right well you did; and, with them, words of so

sweet breath composed as made the things more rich: their perfume lost, take

these again; for to the noble mind rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.

There, my lord.

Come on, Ham, you know you did,

Along with those Denfuck Sasquatch lyrics you stuffed inside them. I already

read the good ones, so take them back before this gets awkward. Here.

HAMLET

Ha, ha! are you honest?

So this is you being nice, huh?

OPHELIA

My lord?

Wait, what?

HAMLET

Are you fair?

So this is you being pretty?

OPHELIA

What means your lordship?

I mean, I guess...

HAMLET

That if you be honest and fair, your honesty should admit no discourse to

your beauty.

I'm just saying if you're trying to be nice and pretty, they're not related

at all.

OPHELIA

Could beauty, my lord, have better commerce than with honesty?

It's a good match, though, don't you think?

HAMLET

Ay, truly; for the power of beauty will sooner

transform honesty from what it is to a bawd than the force of honesty can

translate beauty into his likeness: this was sometime a paradox, but now the

time gives it proof. I did love you once.

I guess being pretty can turn a nice girl into a hooker more easily than

being nice can make an ugly girl beautiful, right? I've got you pinned,

Ophelia. I used to like you.

OPHELIA

Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so.

No shit.

HAMLET

You should not have believed me; for virtue cannot so inoculate our old stock

but we shall relish of it: I loved you not.

Ha! You totally fell for it.

I'm a total jerk, you know that. I didn't like you at all.

OPHELIA

I was the more deceived.

Could've fooled me.

HAMLET

Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a

breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest; but yet I could

accuse me of such things that it were better my mother had not borne

me: I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at my

beck than I have thoughts to put them in,

imagination to give them shape, or time to act them in. What should

such fellows as I do crawling between earth and heaven? We are arrant

knaves, all; believe none of us. Go thy ways to a nunnery.

Where's your father?

You should go to an all-girl's college or something. Become a lesbian,

and don't have kids so those looks aren't passed on.

I mean, think about it—how much better would the world be if you or

I weren't born?

OPHELIA

I don't follow that goth-rock bullshit.

HAMLET

Whatever. Just get a girlfriend and spare the world of another bratty kid

like us. Where's your dad?

OPHELIA

At home, my lord.

He's at home.

HAMLET

Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may

play the fool no where but in's own house. Farewell.

Do me a favor and lock that bastard up,

I think his idiocy is catching. Bye, O!

OPHELIA

O, help him, you sweet heavens!

Hammy, you've got to get a therapist!

HAMLET

If thou dost marry, I'll give thee this plague for thy dowry: be thou as chaste

as ice, as pure as snow, thou shalt not escape calumny. Get thee to a nunnery,

go: farewell. Or, if thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know

well enough what monsters you make of them. To a nunnery, go, and quickly

too. Farewell.

If you do go to an all-girls school,

I'll give you herpes as a graduation gift—

No matter how clean and careful you are,

I wish you nothing but the worst reputation Denmark can manage.

Get out of here!

OPHELIA

O heavenly powers, restore him!

I know a guy whose uncle is a shrink, I could get you a good price—

HAMLET

I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; God has given you one

face, and you make yourselves another: you jig, you amble, and you lisp,

and nick-name God's creatures, and make your wantonness your ignorance.

Go to, I'll no more on't; it hath made me mad. I say, we will have no more

marriages: those that are married already, all but one, shall live; the rest shall

keep as they are. To a nunnery, go.

I can see right through to your pimples, honey.

You've got this awful face, and you try and paint a different one of top of it.

OPHELIA

At least I make an effort, unlike you.

HAMLET

You're going to drive me up a wall, get the fuck out of here.

Exit

He exits.

OPHELIA

O, what a noble mind is here o'erthrown!

The courtier's, soldier's, scholar's, eye, tongue, sword;

The expectancy and rose of the fair state,

The glass of fashion and the mould of form,

The observed of all observers, quite, quite down!

And I, of ladies most deject and wretched,

That suck'd the honey of his music vows,

Now see that noble and most sovereign reason,

Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune and harsh;

That unmatch'd form and feature of blown youth blasted with ecstasy:

O, woe is me, to have seen what I have seen, see what I see!

Damn, and he used to be such a nice guy.

Even if your national anthem began a Denfuck Sasquatch song, I

used to think he'd be a good king for Denmark, and now he's worse

than ever.

The eyeliner, the clothes, all so unlike the way he used to talk to me

on the phone when we were both in bed and—

Well, anyways. Now I'm single, and my ex is crazy. Where the fuck

is all that good karma I'm owed?

Re-enter KING CLAUDIUS and POLONIUS

KING CLAUDIUS and POLONIUS re-enter.

KING CLAUDIUS

Love! his affections do not that way tend;

Nor what he spake, though it lack'd form a little,

Was not like madness. There's something in his soul, O'er which his

melancholy sits on brood;

And I do doubt the hatch and the disclose

Will be some danger: which for to prevent,

I have in quick determination

Thus set it down: he shall with speed to England,

For the demand of our neglected tribute

Haply the seas and countries different

With variable objects shall expel

This something-settled matter in his heart,

Whereon his brains still beating puts him thus

From fashion of himself. What think you on't?

KING CLAUDIUS

Well, he may be crazy, but he isn't blind.

Hamlet loving Ophelia isn't the issue here, and the way he's talking

isn't completely crazy.

No, he's not insane—he's planning something.

LORD POLONIUS

Damn, I thought I had that one.

KING CLAUDIUS

No hard feelings, but I'll have to get rid of him to be safe. England,

maybe, for Hammy to clear his head. What do you say?

LORD POLONIUS

It shall do well: but yet do I believe

The origin and commencement of his grief

Sprung from neglected love. How now, Ophelia!

You need not tell us what Lord Hamlet said;

We heard it all. My lord, do as you please;

But, if you hold it fit, after the play

Let his queen mother all alone entreat him

To show his grief: let her be round with him;

And I'll be placed, so please you, in the ear

Of all their conference. If she find him not,

To England send him, or confine him where

Your wisdom best shall think.

That'll probably do it. I still think he wants to bone my daughter, though. Hey,

Ophelia!

You don't need to tell us what happened,

We heard the whole thing.

Claud, that's a good plan and everything,

But I still think Gerty has a shot at figuring out what's wrong.

Why don't you have Hammy meet up with her later today and I'll listen in?

If we don't get anything from that, then England it is.

KING CLAUDIUS

It shall be so:

Madness in great ones must not unwatch'd go.

But that's his last chance, understand?

Madness is goth kids should not go unwatched.

Exeunt

All exit.

ACT III, SCENE II. A hall in the castle.

ACT 3, SCENE 2. One of Elsinore's halls.

Enter HAMLET and Players

HAMLET and the PLAYERS enter.

HAMLET

Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you, trippingly

on the tongue: but if you mouth it, as many of your players do, I

had as lief the town-crier spoke my lines. Nor do not saw the air

too much with your hand, thus, but use all gently; for in the very

torrent, tempest, and, as I may say, the whirlwind of passion, you

must acquire and beget a temperance that may give it smoothness.

O, it offends me to the soul to hear a robustious periwig-pated fellow

tear a passion to tatters, to very rags, to split the ears of the groundlings,

who for the most part are capable of nothing but inexplicable dumbshows

and noise: I would have such a fellow whipped for o'erdoing Termagant;

it out-herods Herod: pray you, avoid it.

Not to insult the profession or anything, but just make sure to read the

lines. If you're planning on overdoing it, Horatio and I may as well

record the thing ourselves Youtube-style. No huge, sweeping gestures,

Keep your emotions at bay so everyone understands exactly what's

happening. I fucking hate when I'm watching a movie and the guy is

screaming and overacting the entire time, and—no offense—I could

have you all beheaded if you fuck this up.

So, like, don't.

FIRST PLAYER

I warrant your honour.

Got it.

HAMLET

Be not too tame neither, but let your own discretion be your tutor: suit the

action to the word, the word to the action; with this special o'erstep not the

modesty of nature: for any thing so overdone is from the purpose of playing,

whose end, both at the first and now, was and is, to hold, as 'twere, the mirror

up to nature; to show virtue her own feature, scorn her own image, and the very

age and body of the time his form and pressure. Now this overdone, or come

tardy off, though it make the unskilful made men and not made them well, they

imitated humanity so abominably.

But, like, don't just stand there either,

You'll need to put at least a little oomph into the performance. I don't know,

just act naturally so the audience is interested but not confused. If you perform

like shit, there's gonna be some seasoned theater-goers who'll boo you off the

stage.

FIRST PLAYER

I hope we have reformed that indifferently with us, sir.

Yeah, buddy, keep telling me how to do my job.

HAMLET

I'm not actor, but I know how much they pay bad actors these days. Just

don't make this a Spiderman 3 situation, okay?

SECOND PLAYER

God, that movie's garbage.

FIRST PLAYER

We'll take care if it, Prince Hamlet, no worries.

HAMLET

O, reform it altogether. And let those that play

your clowns speak no more than is set down for them; for there be of them

that will themselves laugh, to set on some quantity of barren spectators to

laugh too; though, in the mean time, some necessary question of the play be

then to be considered: that's villanous, and shows a most pitiful ambition in

the fool that uses it. Go, make you ready.

I'll count on it. No improv, no spur-of-the-moment assholery that'll fuck up

my script and won't get any laughs, anyhow. It's ridiculous. Okay, just go get

ready before I think of more ways you could ruin this.

Exeunt Players

The PLAYERS exit.

Enter POLONIUS, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN

POLONIUS, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN enter.

How now, my lord! I will the king hear this piece of work?

Polly! Is the jolly old king coming?

LORD POLONIUS

And the queen too, and that presently.

Sure as hell, and your mom, too.

HAMLET

Bid the players make haste.

Tell the actors to suit up, this is gonna be good.

Exit POLONIUS

POLONIUS exits.

Will you two help to hasten them?

Guys, go help them get dressed.

ROSENCRANTZ/GUILDENSTERN

We will, my lord.

Oh my God, yes!

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit.

HAMLET

What ho! Horatio!

Horatio, you fucking moron!

Enter HORATIO

HORATIO enters.

HORATIO

Here, sweet lord, at your service.

You're just mean sometimes.

HAMLET

Horatio, thou art e'en as just a man

As e'er my conversation coped withal.

Horatio, you're my best friend. We kid.

HORATIO

O, my dear lord,--

Now there's a sweet change of heart—

HAMLET

Nay, do not think I flatter:

For what advancement may I hope from thee

That no revenue hast but thy good spirits,

To feed and clothe thee? Why should the poor be flatter'd? No,

let the candied tongue lick absurd pomp, And crook the pregnant

hinges of the knee where thrift may follow fawning. Dost thou hear?

Since my dear soul was mistress of her choice

And could of men distinguish, her election

Hath seal'd thee for herself; for thou hast been

As one, in suffering all, that suffers nothing,

A man that fortune's buffets and rewards

Hast ta'en with equal thanks: and blest are those whose blood and

judgment are so well commingled, that they are not a pipe for fortune's

finger to sound what stop she please. Give me that man that is not

passion's slave, and I will wear him in my heart's core, ay, in my

heart of heart, As I do thee.--Something too much of this.--

There is a play to-night before the king;

One scene of it comes near the circumstance

Which I have told thee of my father's death:

I prithee, when thou seest that act afoot,

Even with the very comment of thy soul

Observe mine uncle: if his occulted guilt

Do not itself unkennel in one speech,

It is a damned ghost that we have seen,

And my imaginations are as foul

As Vulcan's stithy. Give him heedful note;

For I mine eyes will rivet to his face,

And after we will both our judgments join

In censure of his seeming.

I'm not just saying that, you know,

It's not like there's anything you could possibly give me that

I couldn't have myself.

HORATIO

I mean, I'm not a virgin.

HAMLET

[Clenches teeth] Be that as it may,

You're so special to me because you deal

With whatever shit life flings at you with a

Clear head, without being shitty to others.

For a goth kid—

HORATIO

Don't you peg me as that!

HAMLET

\--you're pretty in control of your emotions,

And that's a valuable thing to have in a band as unstable as ours.

I need that tonight—that play is going to happen, and the last scene

will be the exact way my dad's ghost said he died.

HORATIO

Freaky.

HAMLET

Exactly. Watch Claud's face during it, though, and let me know if you think he's guilty.

I trust your opinion.

Long live Denfuck Sasquatch!

HORATIO

Well, my lord: If he steal aught the whilst this

Play is playing, and 'scape detecting,

I will pay the theft.

Hell yeah, let's do this!

HAMLET

They are coming to the play; I must be idle:

Get you a place.

Shit, here they come—

You go sit on the other side!

Danish march. A flourish. Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE,

POLONIUS, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and others

The Danish national anthem is heard as KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN

GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN,

and other enter.

KING CLAUDIUS

How fares our cousin Hamlet?

And how's our little buddy here?

HAMLET

Excellent, i' faith; of the chameleon's dish: I eat the air, promise-crammed:

you cannot feed capons so.

Never been better. Just taking the room in, you know what I mean?

KING CLAUDIUS

I have nothing with this answer, Hamlet; these words are not mine.

Yeah, I've got nothing. Good to see you doing well, though.

HAMLET

No, nor mine now.

And good to see you still doing my mom.

To POLONIUS

To POLONIUS

My lord, you played once i' the university, you say?

You acted in college, didn't you?

LORD POLONIUS

That did I, my lord; and was accounted a good actor.

Damn straight I did, and I would've made it big if it weren't for this

confounded face of mine.

HAMLET

What did you enact?

Were you in anything good?

LORD POLONIUS

I did enact Julius Caesar: I was killed i' the

Capitol; Brutus killed me.

I was in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, playing that evil nurse.

HAMLET

It was a brute part of him to kill so capital a calf

there. Be the players ready?

She was pretty brutal wasn't she? Hey, Rosie, is everything good

to go backstage?

ROSENCRANTZ

Ay, my lord; they stay upon your patience.

We powdered them all up!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Come hither, my dear Hamlet, sit by me.

Come sit with Mommy, honey!

HAMLET

No, good mother, here's metal more attractive.

No thanks, I've got some younger meat here.

LORD POLONIUS

[To KING CLAUDIUS] O, ho! do you mark that?

[to CLAUDIUS] What did I fucking tell you?!

HAMLET

Lady, shall I lie in your lap?

Ophelia, mind if I lie in your lap?

Lying down at OPHELIA's feet

He lies down at OPHELIA's feet.

OPHELIA

No, my lord.

What the hell? No way.

HAMLET

I mean, my head upon your lap?

My head on your lap, I meant.

OPHELIA

Ay, my lord.

I mean...okay, I guess.

HAMLET

Do you think I meant country matters?

Did you think I was talking dirty to you?

OPHELIA

I think nothing, my lord.

Didn't even occur to me.

HAMLET

That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs.

Let's just leave the occurrence between your legs, then.

OPHELIA

What is, my lord?

What?

HAMLET

Nothing.

I didn't say anything.

OPHELIA

You are merry, my lord.

You're being weird.

HAMLET

Who, I?

I've never been weird in my entire life.

OPHELIA

Ay, my lord.

Well, you are now.

HAMLET

O God, your only jig-maker. What should a man do but be merry? for,

look you, how cheerfully my mother looks, and my father died within

these two hours.

If I'm weird, God's weird, and he's the funniest guy there is. And why

not be happy? Look at my ma, Dad's been dead a few hours and she's

fine.

OPHELIA

Nay, 'tis twice two months, my lord.

Your dad died two months ago, honey.

HAMLET

So long? Nay then, let the devil wear black,

I'll have a suit of sables. O heavens! die two

months ago, and not forgotten yet? Then there's hope a great man's

memory may outlive his life half a year: but, by'r lady, he must build

churches, then; or else shall he suffer not thinking on, with the

hobby-horse, whose epitaph is 'For, O, for, O, the hobby-horse is

forgot.'

Two months? Damn, that's forever!

No wonder mom stopped wearing black,

I shouldn't be either. Hell, I should just throw on some assless

Chaps and prance around.

Honestly, I'm surprised anyone remembers him. Two months, that's

enough time to forget a great ruler.

OPHELIA

Okay, I get it.

Hautboys play. The dumb-show enters

The actors enter to metal music.

Enter a King and a Queen very lovingly; the Queen embracing him, and

he her. She kneels, and makes show of protestation unto him. He takes her

up, and declines his head upon her neck: lays him down upon a bank of

flowers: she, seeing him asleep, leaves him. Anon comes in a fellow, takes

off his crown, kisses it, and pours poison in the King's ears, and exit. The

Queen returns; finds the King dead, and makes passionate action. The

Poisoner, with some two or three Mutes, comes in again, seeming to lament

with her. The dead body is carried away. The Poisoner wooes the Queen with

gifts: she seems loath and unwilling awhile, but in the end accepts his love

A King and Queen enter the room holding hands. She kisses him, and walks

into the "castle" offstage. He looks to make sure no one is watching, then lays

down and falls asleep, snoring loudly. Another man sneaks from the opposite

side of the stage, snatches the king's crown, pours poison in his ear, and exits.

A pause. The killer returns and steals the king's wallet as well, then exits again.

The Queen re-enters, sees the dead king and begins to weep. The body is removed

as the Poisoner re-enters, embracing the Queen, who accepts as he holds the

crown behind his back the whole time.

Exeunt

The actors exit.

OPHELIA

What means this, my lord?

Weird soundtrack, don't you think?

HAMLET

Marry, this is miching mallecho; it means mischief.

Some twisted music to go with a twisted plot.

OPHELIA

Belike this show imports the argument of the play.

Maybe it was a summary or something.

Enter PROLOGUE

The PROLOGUE enters.

HAMLET

We shall know by this fellow: the players cannot keep counsel; they'll tell all.

This guy'll tell us everything. You know actors, they can't shut the fuck up

to save their lives.

OPHELIA

Will he tell us what this show meant?

Not unlike yourself. He'll explain it?

HAMLET

Ay, or any show that you'll show him: be not you ashamed to show, he'll not

shame to tell you what it means.

Sure, sure. If you're not afraid to ask, he won't be afraid to answer.

OPHELIA

You are naught, you are naught: I'll mark the play.

You're an ass, I'm trying to watch.

PROLOGUE

For us, and for our tragedy,

Here stooping to your clemency,

We beg your hearing patiently.

If you will look and heed our call,

You'll find that soon there'll be a brawl

And shit will get real after all.

Exit

The PROLOGUE exits.

HAMLET

Is this a prologue, or the posy of a ring?

Was that a prologue or a high schooler's rap?

OPHELIA

'Tis brief, my lord.

It was pretty bad.

HAMLET

As woman's love.

Not as bad as your face.

Enter two PLAYERS, KING and QUEEN

Two PLAYERS enter—the KING and the QUEEN.

PLAYER KING

Full thirty times hath Phoebus' cart gone round

Neptune's salt wash and Tellus' orbed ground,

And thirty dozen moons with borrow'd sheen

About the world have times twelve thirties been, since love our hearts

and Hymen did our hands unite commutual in most sacred bands.

We've been married now for thirty years,

And your saggy boobs still do it for me.

PLAYER QUEEN

So many journeys may the sun and moon

Make us again count o'er ere love be done!

But, woe is me, you are so sick of late,

So far from cheer and from your former state,

That I distrust you. Yet, though I distrust,

Discomfort you, my lord, it nothing must:

For women's fear and love holds quantity; In neither aught, or in

extremity. Now, what my love is, proof hath made you know;

And as my love is sized, my fear is so:

Where love is great, the littlest doubts are fear;

Where little fears grow great, great love grows there.

And your weird jowls still set my loins afire!

But, honey, you've been so down lately, wouldn't you agree?

I worry about you, old man.

PLAYER KING

Your worrying is adorable.

PLAYER QUEEN

Is it groundless? You know I just worry because I love you, dear,

don't mind me.

PLAYER KING

'Faith, I must leave thee, love, and shortly too;

My operant powers their functions leave to do:

And thou shalt live in this fair world behind,

Honour'd, beloved; and haply one as kind

For husband shalt thou--

You're not wrong; I can feel myself growing weaker and more unhappy

as you describe, and I don't know how much longer I will last.

You'll find someone else, you've still got it—

PLAYER QUEEN

O, confound the rest!

Such love must needs be treason in my breast:

In second husband let me be accurst!

None wed the second but who kill'd the first.

Fuck that!

Remarrying is the last thing I want to do,

Especially to someone you bathed with as a child.

HAMLET

[Aside] Wormwood, wormwood.

[Aside] Maybe that was too specific.

PLAYER QUEEN

The instances that second marriage move

Are base respects of thrift, but none of love:

A second time I kill my husband dead,

When second husband kisses me in bed.

Second marriages are for money

And better insurance, not for love.

PLAYER KING

I do believe you think what now you speak;

But what we do determine oft we break.

Purpose is but the slave to memory,

Of violent birth, but poor validity;

For who not needs shall never lack a friend,

And who in want a hollow friend doth try,

Directly seasons him his enemy.

But, orderly to end where I begun,

Our wills and fates do so contrary run

That our devices still are overthrown;

Our thoughts are ours, their ends none of our

own: So think thou wilt no second husband wed; But die thy thoughts

when thy first lord is dead.

You say that now, dear,

But things can always change. You make this promise now because

you're scared that you'll be sad when I kick the proverbial bucket, or

have no money, or whatever the fuck it's been that's gotten you so

attached to me over the years, but once I'm gone your mind will shift.

The only reason you say you won't remarry is because you got so used

to thinking we'd die together.

PLAYER QUEEN

Nor earth to me give food, nor heaven light!

Nor earth to me give food, nor heaven light!

Sport and repose lock from me day and night!

To desperation turn my trust and hope!

An anchor's cheer in prison be my scope!

Each opposite that blanks the face of joy

Meet what I would have well and it destroy!

Both here and hence pursue me lasting strife,

If, once a widow, ever I be wife!

No, I'm dead serious on this one.

If I remarry, let the gods, maim, kick, slap, punch,

box, insult, vandalize,

confuse, destroy, take on a date,

call names, and be generally displeased

with me! I don't believe in a widow becoming a wife!

Come on now, we've got work to do.

HAMLET

If she should break it now!

We'll see about that.

PLAYER KING

'Tis deeply sworn. Sweet, leave me here awhile;

My spirits grow dull, and fain I would beguile

The tedious day with sleep.

Sweet of you to say so.

I'll be in in just a moment.

Sleeps

The PLAYER QUEEN exits, and the PLAYER KING giggles as he lies

in the flower bed and falls asleep.

PLAYER QUEEN

Sleep rock thy brain,

And never come mischance between us twain!

[Offstage] Come on, won't you?

Exit

She exits.

HAMLET

Madam, how like you this play?

How you liking it, O?

OPHELIA

The lady protests too much, methinks.

She's a little overkill.

HAMLET

O, but she'll keep her word.

She's a tricky bitch, that one.

KING CLAUDIUS

Have you heard the argument? Is there no offence in 't?

Ham, what's this show about, anyway?

I thought we were seeing a rom-com.

HAMLET

No, no, they do but jest, poison in jest; no offence i' the world.

It is a comedy, why weren't you laughing?

KING CLAUDIUS

What do you call the play?

What is this one called again?

HAMLET

The Mouse-trap. Marry, how? Tropically. This play is the image of

a murder done in Vienna: Gonzago is the duke's name; his wife, Baptista:

you shall see anon; 'tis a knavish piece of work: but what o' that? your

majesty and we that have free souls, it touches us not: let the galled jade

wince, our withers are unwrung.

Mouse-trap! Cute, isn't it? It's about this murder that happened in LA

a few years ago, sort of a metaphor for a drug cartel—the king's name

is Carlos, the queen's Manuela.

KING CLAUDIUS

They don't talk like that there, do they?

Enter LUCIANUS

HAMLET

This is one Lucianus, nephew to the king.

Believe me, you don't want to hear a Danish actor try and sound Hispanic.

Here's Luke, nephew to the king.

OPHELIA

You are as good as a chorus, my lord.

You're better than the Prologue, Ham.

HAMLET

I could interpret between you and your love, if I

could see the puppets dallying.

I'd narrate dirtier things for you.

OPHELIA

You are keen, my lord, you are keen.

Yeah, yeah.

HAMLET

It would cost you a groaning to take off my edge.

Although it might be too much for you to handle.

OPHELIA

Still better, and worse.

Clever, but gross.

HAMLET

So you must take your husbands. Begin, murderer; pox, leave thy

damnable faces, and begin. Come: 'the croaking raven doth bellow

for revenge.'

Come on, everyone, let's keep it moving!

Murderer onstage, stop fucking around with Guildenstern backstage!

LUCIANUS

Thoughts black, hands apt, drugs fit, and time agreeing; Confederate season,

else no creature seeing; thou mixture rank, of midnight weeds collected, with

Hecate's ban thrice blasted, thrice infected, thy natural magic and dire property,

on wholesome life usurp immediately.

Pours the poison into the sleeper's ears.

PLAYER NEPHEW

[In a Hispanic accent] All right, mayne, let's do this!

HAMLET

No, no, not the accent!

PLAYER NEPHEW

[Loses the accent] Okay, okay. Well, here goes.

HAMLET

He poisons him i' the garden for's estate. His

name's Gonzago: the story is extant, and writ

in choice Italian: you shall see anon how the murderer gets

the love of Gonzago's wife.

He poisons the king so he can steal the queen and the kingdom.

Luke is a shiesty bastard, that much is certain.

OPHELIA

The king rises.

King Claudius is getting up.

HAMLET

What, frighted with false fire!

What, scared of a bad actor?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

How fares my lord?

How are you, honey?

LORD POLONIUS

Give o'er the play.

We're shutting it down.

KING CLAUDIUS

Give me some light: away!

Turn on the lights, will you!

ALL

Lights, lights, lights!

Well, we were enjoying ourselves, but...

Exeunt all but HAMLET and HORATIO

Everyone exits but HAMLET and HORATIO.

HAMLET

Why, let the stricken deer go weep,

The hart ungalled play;

For some must watch, while some must sleep:

So runs the world away.

Would not this, sir, and a forest of feathers-- if

the rest of my fortunes turn Turk with me--with two Provincial

roses on my razed shoes, get me a fellowship in a cry of players, sir?

Jesus, they're not as good as they once were, huh? I think I could join

them if I wanted, wear makeup and dresses like Guildenstern does at work.

HORATIO

Half a share.

I mean, you could.

HAMLET

A whole one, I.

For thou dost know, O Damon dear,

This realm dismantled was

Of Jove himself; and now reigns here

A very, very--pajock.

HAMLET

I could own the company if I wanted!

"Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Denmark is shit,

And I'd rather not live there."

HORATIO

You might have rhymed, my Lord.

You didn't even rhyme!

HAMLET

O good Horatio, I'll take the ghost's word for a thousand pound.

Didst perceive?

I'd bet our debut album that the ghost was right! Did you see

Claud's face?

HORATIO

Very well, my lord.

Damn right I did!

HAMLET

Upon the talk of the poisoning?

When poisoning came up?

HORATIO

I did very well note him.

He looked like an Acme bomb was going off in his face!

HAMLET

Ah, ha! Come, some music! come, the recorders! For if the king

like not the comedy, why then, belike, he likes it not, perdy.

Come, some music!

We should write a song about this night!

Get your bass, Horatio, this is cause for celebration. Come on!

Re-enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN come from backstage.

GUILDENSTERN

Good my lord, vouchsafe me a word with you.

Hammy, could we talk for a second?

HAMLET

Sir, a whole history.

I'll give you a day if you want!

GUILDENSTERN

The king, sir,--

About your little kingy there—

HAMLET

Ay, sir, what of him?

Yeah?

GUILDENSTERN

Is in his retirement marvellous distempered.

He's in his room now, crying with his teddy.

HAMLET

With drink, sir?

And whiskey, I bet.

GUILDENSTERN

No, my lord, rather with choler.

No, a wine cooler. He's pissed.

HAMLET

Your wisdom should show itself more richer to signify this to his doctor;

for, for me to put him to his purgation would perhaps plunge him into far

more choler.

Ophelia told me recently she knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a

shrink...maybe he'd be better suited to help old Claud out.

GUILDENSTERN

Good my lord, put your discourse into some frame and start not so wildly

from my affair.

Will you put your weird asides away for a second?!

HAMLET

I am tame, sir, pronounce.

All right, I'm listening.

GUILDENSTERN

The queen, your mother, in most great affliction of spirit, hath sent me to you.

The queen is pissed at you, she sent me here.

HAMLET

You are welcome.

Well, don't you love answering the beck and call of people with crowns.

GUILDENSTERN

Nay, good my lord, this courtesy is not of the right breed. If it shall please

you to make me a wholesome answer, I will do your mother's

commandment: if not, your pardon and my return shall be the end of my business.

You know how I love fine fabrics, Hammy, what do you expect? I'm weak as

anyone. Now, if you could stop your sass for a damn second I'll tell you what's

going on, otherwise I'm gonna go and make an actor's night.

HAMLET

Sir, I cannot.

I can't stop, Guild!

GUILDENSTERN

What, my lord?

Now, what kind of bullshit is that?

HAMLET

Make you a wholesome answer; my wit's diseased: but, sir, such answer as I can

make, you shall command;

or, rather, as you say, my mother: therefore no

more, but to the matter: my mother, you say,--

I can't, I mean it.

How do you expect me to take those clowns seriously? But okay, if you're really

bent on me doing it—something about Ma, you said?

ROSENCRANTZ

Then thus she says; your behavior hath struck her into amazement and admiration.

She says she wants to wring you by your pale, skinny neck.

HAMLET

O wonderful son, that can so astonish a mother! But is there no sequel at the heels

of this mother's admiration? Impart.

Well, at least I've made an impression. She said the same when I got my eyebrow

pierced. Anything else?

ROSENCRANTZ

She desires to speak with you in her closet, ere you go to bed.

She wants to talk with you before you start drinking.

HAMLET

We shall obey, were she ten times our mother.

Have you any further trade with us?

Of course. Of course, I'll go and deal with her. Need anything else for me?

ROSENCRANTZ

My lord, you once did love me.

We used to be friends, Ham.

HAMLET

So I do still, by these pickers and stealers.

We still are, you two bastards!

ROSENCRANTZ

Good my lord, what is your cause of distemper? You do, surely, bar the door upon

your own liberty, if you deny your griefs to your friend.

What is your deal? It won't help anyone if you won't even tell your closest bros.

HAMLET

Sir, I lack advancement.

Doesn't matter, I have no future to look forward to.

ROSENCRANTZ

How can that be, when you have the voice of the king himself for your succession

in Denmark?

Are you fucking kidding me, Hammy? You're the heir to the finest wardrobe in the

country, and—

HAMLET

Ay, but sir, 'While the grass grows,'--the proverb is something musty.

Oh, please, I could be fine with a wardrobe from a dumpster fire.

Re-enter Players with recorders

PLAYERS come in with Les Pauls.

O, the recorders! let me see one. To withdraw with you:--why do you go about to

recover the wind of me, as if you would drive me into a toil?

Holy shit, those are incredible! Let me see one!

[Starts playing] Why do you stick around so closely, guys, if you're not trying to

drive me insane?

GUILDENSTERN

O, my lord, if my duty be too bold, my love is too unmannerly.

We're worried about you, honey.

HAMLET

I do not well understand that. Will you play upon this pipe?

I don't get it. Take the axe from me, will you?

GUILDENSTERN

My lord, I cannot.

I don't know how to play that shit.

HAMLET

I pray you.

Seriously, take it.

GUILDENSTERN

Believe me, I cannot.

I'm not in your scary band, okay?

HAMLET

I do beseech you.

Come on, Guild.

GUILDENSTERN

I know no touch of it, my lord.

I'm not even gonna bother, Ham.

HAMLET

'Tis as easy as lying: govern these ventages with your lingers and thumb,

give it breath with your mouth, and it will discourse most eloquent music.

Look you, these are the stops.

Just fake it, you moron. You've got your pick here, your fingers on the strings

in whatever configuration you think will get you laid, and just start strumming.

GUILDENSTERN

But these cannot I command to any utterance of harmony; I have not the skill.

I don't think this is sexy at all, Hammy, it's just confusing.

HAMLET

Why, look you now, how unworthy a thing you make of me! You would play upon

me; you would seem to know my stops; you would pluck out the heart of my

mystery; you would sound me from my lowest note to the top of my compass: and

there is much music, excellent voice, in this little organ; yet cannot

you make it speak. 'Sblood, do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe?

Call me what instrument you will, though you can fret me, yet you cannot play

upon me.

It's funny that you can't play a Les,

After all that time you and Rosie have spent

Trying to play me just as easily.

ROSENCRANTZ

I'm sick of your convoluted-ass metaphors!

HAMLET

Be that as it may, you can't play me any more than you can play this fucking

amazing guitar!

Enter POLONIUS

POLONIUS enters.

God bless you, sir!

Well, if it isn't fatty!

LORD POLONIUS

My lord, the queen would speak with you, and

presently.

Hamlet, your mother wants to speak with you. Now.

HAMLET

Do you see yonder cloud that's almost in shape of a camel?

Hey, Polly, you see that cloud? Looks like a camel.

LORD POLONIUS

By the mass, and 'tis like a camel, indeed.

[Looks] Kind of.

HAMLET

Methinks it is like a weasel.

Actually, a little more weasely than that.

LORD POLONIUS

It is backed like a weasel.

I can see that, too!

HAMLET

Or like a whale?

Actually, a whale!

LORD POLONIUS

Very like a whale.

A whale! Genius!

HAMLET

Then I will come to my mother by and by. [Aside] They fool me to the

top of my bent. I will come by and by.

I'll go see Ma in a second.

[Aside] They're trying to fuck with me as hard as they can. I'm coming

soon, I swear.

LORD POLONIUS

I will say so.

I'll tell her.

HAMLET

By and by is easily said.

And "soon" is a relative term.

Exit POLONIUS

POLONIUS exits.

Leave me, friends.

All right guys, get out.

Exeunt all but HAMLET

Everyone exits, except HAMLET.

Tis now the very witching time of night,

When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out

Contagion to this world: now could I drink hot blood,

And do such bitter business as the day

Would quake to look on. Soft! now to my mother.

O heart, lose not thy nature; let not ever

The soul of Nero enter this firm bosom:

Let me be cruel, not unnatural:

I will speak daggers to her, but use none;

My tongue and soul in this be hypocrites;

How in my words soever she be shent,

To give them seals never, my soul, consent!

This is the time of night where thugs come out

Looking for their pregnant girlfriends,

Where the best cocaine is found

If you can beat someone in a drag race to get to it. This is the

same time Denfuck Sasquatch used to take the stage at the bar

downtown. God, I love it, but I can't let this shit take over me

too much. Time to go give Ma some common sense, but not a slap.

In theory, anyways.

Exit

HAMLET exits.

ACT 3, SCENE III. A room in the castle.

ACT 3, SCENE 3. A room in the castle.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN.

KING CLAUDIUS, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN enter.

KING CLAUDIUS

I like him not, nor stands it safe with us

To let his madness range. Therefore prepare you; I your commission

will forthwith dispatch, and he to England shall along with you: The

terms of our estate may not endure

Hazard so dangerous as doth hourly grow

Out of his lunacies.

He's fucking lost it, gays!

I can't put this off anymore.

I'm going to send you guys to England for some state business, and

Hamlet will go with you.

If he's pulling shit like this, I can't afford to be nice anymore.

GUILDENSTERN

We will ourselves provide:

Most holy and religious fear it is

To keep those many many bodies safe

That live and feed upon your majesty.

We've got it, Claud.

We'll stuff him with some crumpets and English

Whores, and he'll be cured before you know it.

ROSENCRANTZ

The single and peculiar life is bound,

With all the strength and armour of the mind,

To keep itself from noyance; but much more

That spirit upon whose weal depend and rest

The lives of many. The cease of majesty

Dies not alone; but, like a gulf, doth draw

What's near it with it: it is a massy wheel,

Fix'd on the summit of the highest mount,

To whose huge spokes ten thousand lesser things are mortised and adjoin'd;

which, when it falls, each small annexment, petty consequence, attends the

boisterous ruin. Never alone did the king sigh, but with a general groan.

Guild, we're the sole protectors of a celeb!

Like, that's a job now! Celebrities and royalty and shit need crazy-wranglers

to stop them from doing whacky things like that.

GUILDENSTERN

Like Mark Wahlberg?

ROSENCRANTZ

Kind of, yeah! And besides, If the king's pissed, he can make the rest of us

pissed pretty easily if we don't listen.

KING CLAUDIUS

Arm you, I pray you, to this speedy voyage;

For we will fetters put upon this fear,

Which now goes too free-footed.

All right, Perez Jr., go start packing.

ROSENCRANTZ GUILDENSTERN

We will haste us.

Holla!

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exits.

Enter POLONIUS

POLONIUS enters.

LORD POLONIUS

My lord, he's going to his mother's closet:

Behind the arras I'll convey myself,

To hear the process; and warrant she'll tax him home: And, as you

said, and wisely was it said, 'Tis meet that some more audience than

a mother, since nature makes them partial, should o'erhear the speech,

of vantage. Fare you well, my liege:

I'll call upon you ere you go to bed,

And tell you what I know.

Hamlet's heading into to see Gerty, sir,

Do you mind if I go eavesdrop?

KING CLAUDIUS

Make yourself useful.

LORD POLONIUS

I'll just hide again, and you know Gerty won't tell the whole truth about

how nuts he is. I hope she rips him a new asshole.

KING CLAUDIUS

Thanks, dear my lord.

That's fine, that's fine.

Exit POLONIUS

POLONIUS exits.

O, my offence is rank it smells to heaven;

It hath the primal eldest curse upon't,

A brother's murder. Pray can I not,

Though inclination be as sharp as will:

My stronger guilt defeats my strong intent;

And, like a man to double business bound,

I stand in pause where I shall first begin,

And both neglect. What if this cursed hand

Were thicker than itself with brother's blood,

Is there not rain enough in the sweet heavens

To wash it white as snow? Whereto serves mercy but to

confront the visage of offence?

And what's in prayer but this two-fold force,

To be forestalled ere we come to fall,

Or pardon'd being down? Then I'll look up;

My fault is past. But, O, what form of prayer

Can serve my turn? 'Forgive me my foul murder'?

That cannot be; since I am still possess'd

Of those effects for which I did the murder,

My crown, mine own ambition and my queen.

May one be pardon'd and retain the offence?

In the corrupted currents of this world

Offence's gilded hand may shove by justice,

And oft 'tis seen the wicked prize itself

Buys out the law: but 'tis not so above;

There is no shuffling, there the action lies

In his true nature; and we ourselves compell'd,

Even to the teeth and forehead of our faults,

To give in evidence. What then? what rests?

Try what repentance can: what can it not?

Yet what can it when one can not repent?

O wretched state! O bosom black as death!

O limed soul, that, struggling to be free,

Art more engaged! Help, angels! Make assay!

Bow, stubborn knees; and, heart with strings of steel, be soft as

sinews of the newborn babe! All may be well.

So, uh...starting to think Hamlet's onto me.

How the fuck did he find out?! My brother must have found

out a way to leave a message behind, the kiss-up asshole.

Jesus, this is getting scary.

It's not too late to atone, though, is it?

I could start doing community service—

Clean up dog shit at the animal shelter,

Make little Danish kids' wishes come true by sending them

to Batman or some shit. Pick up trash on the side of the highway,

even. God, I have the guilt of a reformed Klansmen;

Somebody save me! God, I'm, like, completely sorry! Not sorry

enough to give up the throne or the Queen, but, you know, that

makes sense, doesn't it? I mean, I give those up and this whole

thing was useless. That's just damn wasteful, and we're in a recession.

Help me, God!

I know you can't take the crown and the glory to heaven, but I'm kind

of thinking that's not even an option for me anymore, so...

I don't know. This sucks so bad.

Retires and kneels

He sits down on his beanbag chair.

Enter HAMLET

HAMLET enters.

HAMLET

Now might I do it pat, now he is praying;

And now I'll do't. And so he goes to heaven;

And so am I revenged. That would be scann'd:

A villain kills my father; and for that,

I, his sole son, do this same villain send

To heaven. O, this is hire and salary, not revenge.

He took my father grossly, full of bread; With all

his crimes broad blown, as flush as May;

And how his audit stands who knows save heaven?

But in our circumstance and course of thought,

'Tis heavy with him: and am I then revenged,

To take him in the purging of his soul,

When he is fit and season'd for his passage?

No! Up, sword; and know thou a more horrid hent:

When he is drunk asleep, or in his rage,

Or in the incestuous pleasure of his bed;

At gaming, swearing, or about some act

That has no relish of salvation in't;

Then trip him, that his heels may kick at heaven,

And that his soul may be as damn'd and black

As hell, whereto it goes. My mother stays:

This physic but prolongs thy sickly days.

He's praying? Seriously?!

I should fucking knock him off right now.

[He pulls out his handgun]

Fuck, I didn't even bring the silencer.

Yeah, that's bad form.

Besides, this guy needs to suffer, killing someone while

they're praying probably gives them an automatic edge.

He kills my father, I kill him, and then what?

I get some press coverage and spend the rest of my life in

Rich Guy's Jail with tax embezzlers?

God, they won't let me play there.

No, this is too fucking easy.

[He puts his gun away.]

I'll wait for the perfect moment—the next time he fucks a

hooker, snorts coke, forgets to recycle a can, there's my

moment. All right, Mom's waiting.

I'll let Claudy keep praying for now,

Mainly because it's hilarious to see people waste their fucking time.

Exit

HAMLET exits.

KING CLAUDIUS

[Rising] My words fly up, my thoughts remain below:

Words without thoughts never to heaven go.

[Stands up] Well, that didn't work.

Shit, gotta think of a Plan B.

Exit

KING CLAUDIUS exits.

ACT III, SCENE IV. The Queen's closet.

ACT 3, SCENE 4. The Queen's bedroom.

Enter QUEEN GERTRUDE and POLONIUS

QUEEN GERTRUDE and POLONIUS enter.

LORD POLONIUS

He will come straight. Look you lay home to him: tell him his pranks

have been too broad to bear with, and that your grace hath screen'd and

stood between much heat and him. I'll sconce me even here.

Pray you, be round with him.

Yeah, he's on his way.

Don't take it easy on him, he's fucking terrible and you know it!

And maybe he'll listen to you!

I'll be hiding behind your huge-ass bookshelf.

HAMLET

[Within] Mother, mother, mother!

[Offstage] Mahhhhhhhhhhhm!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

I'll warrant you,

Fear me not: withdraw, I hear him coming.

All right, all right.

Start hiding, he's almost here!

POLONIUS hides behind the arras

POLONIUS hides behind the bookshelf.

Enter HAMLET

HAMLET enters.

HAMLET

Now, mother, what's the matter?

Hey, is there any food in here?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.

Claud's pissed, Hammy. There's fishsticks on the dresser.

HAMLET

Mother, you have my father much offended.

Well, you're the one who made him that way.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue.

Come on, you can do better than that.

HAMLET

Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue.

At least I'm not an incestuous harpy, right?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Why, how now, Hamlet!

Hamlet, what the fuck?

HAMLET

What's the matter now?

What, Ma?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Have you forgot me?

Do you even know who I am?

HAMLET

No, by the rood, not so:

You are the queen, your husband's brother's wife; and--would it were not so!

\--you are my mother.

Hell no, Ma!

You're the queen, you're fucking your husband's brother in front of the

whole kingdom. And my mom, which sucks.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Nay, then, I'll set those to you that can speak.

If you're not going to talk to me...

HAMLET

Come, come, and sit you down; you shall not budge; you go not till I set

you up a glass where you may see the inmost part of you.

No, no, no, Ma. Let's get introspective, you know? I want you to know

just how fucking terrible you are.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

What wilt thou do? thou wilt not murder me?

Help, help, ho!

What're you going to do?! You're not going to fucking kill me, are you?

Shit! Help!

LORD POLONIUS

[Behind] What, ho! help, help, help!

[Behind] Oh, shit! Help! Help!!!

HAMLET

[Drawing] How now! a rat? Dead, for a ducat, dead!

Who's that? Time to die, stranger!

Makes a pass through the arras

He stabs at the bookshelf.

LORD POLONIUS

[Behind] O, I am slain!

[Behind] Fuck, I liked that book!

Falls and dies

He dies.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

O me, what hast thou done?

Jesus Christ, Hamlet!

HAMLET

Nay, I know not:

Is it the king?

Was that Claud, by any chance?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

O, what a rash and bloody deed is this!

You're out of your mind!

HAMLET

A bloody deed! almost as bad, good mother,

As kill a king, and marry with his brother.

Pretty bad, I'll admit it. Bad as murder a husband and fuck

his brother, though?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

As kill a king!

Murder a king?!

HAMLET

Ay, lady, 'twas my word.

Did I stutter?!

Lifts up the array and discovers POLONIUS

He moves the shelf over and sees POLONIUS.

Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell!

I took thee for thy better: take thy fortune;

Thou find'st to be too busy is some danger.

Leave wringing of your hands: peace! sit you down, and let me

wring your heart; for so I shall, if it be made of penetrable stuff,

If damned custom have not brass'd it so

That it is proof and bulwark against sense.

Well, fatty, you had it coming.

My bad for thinking you were someone who actually mattered. No one

will miss you, though, so it's fine—[to Gertrude]

Stop wringing your hands, Ma, and sit down already. I'm going to

wring your heart out of all the shit you've done, if it hasn't

already turned to stone.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

What have I done, that thou darest wag thy tongue in noise so rude

against me?

What the fuck did I ever do to you?

HAMLET

Such an act that blurs the grace and blush of modesty, calls virtue

hypocrite, takes off the rose from the fair forehead of an innocent love

And sets a blister there, makes marriage-vows

As false as dicers' oaths: O, such a deed

As from the body of contraction plucks

The very soul, and sweet religion makes

A rhapsody of words: heaven's face doth glow:

Yea, this solidity and compound mass,

With tristful visage, as against the doom,

Is thought-sick at the act.

What have you done, you evil fucking moron?

You've ruined my entire life, is what you've done!

You've made it an insult to call morons what they are! You've

poisoned our water supply and sacrificed our children!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

I have not!

HAMLET

You may as well have!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Ay me, what act,

That roars so loud, and thunders in the index?

So, out of all this shit you made up,

What is it that's ruined you so bad, huh?

HAMLET

Look here, upon this picture, and on this,

The counterfeit presentment of two brothers.

See, what a grace was seated on this brow;

Hyperion's curls; the front of Jove himself;

An eye like Mars, to threaten and command;

A station like the herald Mercury

New-lighted on a heaven-kissing hill;

A combination and a form indeed,

Where every god did seem to set his seal,

To give the world assurance of a man:

This was your husband. Look you now, what

follows:

Here is your husband; like a mildew'd ear,

Blasting his wholesome brother. Have you eyes? Could you

on this fair mountain leave to feed, And batten on this moor?

Ha! have you eyes? You cannot call it love; for at your age

The hey-day in the blood is tame, it's humble, and waits upon

the judgment: and what judgment would step from this to this?

Sense, sure, you have, else could you not have motion; but sure,

that sense is apoplex'd; for madness would not err, nor sense to

ecstasy was ne'er so thrall'd but it reserved some quantity of choice,

to serve in such a difference. What devil was't that thus hath cozen'd

you at hoodman-blind? Eyes without feeling, feeling without sight,

Ears without hands or eyes, smelling sans all,

Or but a sickly part of one true sense

Could not so mope. O shame! where is thy blush? Rebellious hell,

if thou canst mutine in a matron's bones, to flaming youth let virtue

be as wax, and melt in her own fire: proclaim no shame when the

compulsive ardour gives the charge, since frost itself as actively

doth burn and reason panders will.

And here! Here's the slob you're stuck with now, festering next to

this god of a man.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

His looks were really average, Ham...

HAMLET

Are you fucking blind, Ma?

How could you go from this to this? And don't tell me it was love,

because there's absolutely nothing lovable about a fat slob of a

murderer. No, I think you didn't want to think too hard about it,

did you?

I mean, you walk and talk like you did before, but I have to assume

something's gone terrible wrong in that brain of yours. Who was it that

fucked up your senses like this?

Are you back on the pomegranate and saltine diet again? You know

what that does to you, Ma, it fucks you up. If evil has gotten to

someone I used to care about as much as you, then I'm not surprised

it's gotten me, too.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

O Hamlet, speak no more:

Thou turn'st mine eyes into my very soul;

And there I see such black and grained spots

As will not leave their tinct.

Cut it out, Hamlet!

I don't want to do all this soul-searching—

It won't end well, I know that I've fucked up.

Don't make me face it!

HAMLET

Nay, but to live

In the rank sweat of an enseamed bed,

Stew'd in corruption, honeying and making love over the nasty sty,--

Oh, I'm just getting warmed up, Ma.

How does it feel to let that sweaty,

Disgusting murderer get all primeval on you, huh?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

O, speak to me no more;

These words, like daggers, enter in mine ears;

No more, sweet Hamlet!

Now you're prying, you fucking jerk!

Don't say anything else, I'm going to go insane.

HAMLET

A murderer and a villain;

A slave that is not twentieth part the tithe

Of your precedent lord; a vice of kings;

A cutpurse of the empire and the rule,

That from a shelf the precious diadem stole,

And put it in his pocket!

Not only a murderer, a murderer with

No hygienic habits to speak of,

An ass that sags all the way to hell,

And a stealer of an entire fucking country!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

No more!

Stop it, Jesus!

HAMLET

A king of shreds and patches,--

A dumpster fire of a ruler—

Enter GHOST.

The GHOST enters.

Save me, and hover o'er me with your wings,

You heavenly guards! What would your gracious figure?

Dad! You seriously have an amazing knack for timing, this is so

great. What's going on? Excuse the mess.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Alas, he's mad!

There's nothing there, Ham!

HAMLET

Do you not come your tardy son to chide,

That, lapsed in time and passion, lets go by

The important acting of your dread command? O, say!

Are you here to remind me of my little mission?

I know I've gotten a little distracted with the mom-yelling and the

fat guy-killing, but I've got it under control!

GHOST

Do not forget: this visitation

Is but to whet thy almost blunted purpose.

But, look, amazement on thy mother sits:

O, step between her and her fighting soul:

Conceit in weakest bodies strongest works:

Speak to her, Hamlet.

That's exactly why I stopped by, you crazy kid!

You're moving too slow, Hammy, they'll get rid of you before you

can get rid of them at this point in the game.

And your mom! You promised not to fuck with her! Tell her I say

hey, kiddo.

HAMLET

How is it with you, lady?

Ma, Dad's ghost says hey.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Alas, how is't with you,

That you do bend your eye on vacancy

And with the incorporal air do hold discourse? Forth at your eyes

your spirits wildly peep; And, as the sleeping soldiers in the alarm,

your bedded hair, like life in excrements, starts up, and stands on end.

O gentle son, upon the heat and flame of thy distemper sprinkle cool

patience. Whereon do you look?

Dad's ghost? God, you've done it now, kid. How is it that

you're just talking to a wall like it's completely normal?

Your eyes are bugging out of your head like a Tex Avery cartoon!

Come here, honey, stop all this weirdness this second. What are you

even looking at?

HAMLET

On him, on him! Look you, how pale he glares! His form and cause

conjoin'd, preaching to Would make them capable. Do not look upon me;

lest with this piteous action you convert

My stern effects: then what I have to do

Will want true colour; tears perchance for blood.

On Dad, on Dad! He's looking at you right now! He's a really convincing

speaker, even in the Afterlife. [To GHOST]

Seriously, Dad, stop staring. You're freaking me out.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

To whom do you speak this?

Who are you talking to?!

HAMLET

Do you see nothing there?

You don't fucking see it?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Nothing at all; yet all that is I see.

I see a wall, and I see a dead Polonius.

HAMLET

Nor did you nothing hear?

Wait—you don't hear anything weird?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

No, nothing but ourselves.

Just us, honey.

HAMLET

Why, look you there! look, how it steals away!

My father, in his habit as he lived!

Look, where he goes, even now, out at the portal!

But he's moving, Ma, he's headed for the door!

With that same awkward walk he used to have!

Dad, come talk to her, dammit!

Exit GHOST

The GHOST exits.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

This the very coinage of your brain:

This bodiless creation ecstasy

Is very cunning in.

It's all in your head, honey.

This craziness is smarter than you.

HAMLET

Ecstasy!

My pulse, as yours, doth temperately keep time, and makes

as healthful music: it is not madness that I have utter'd: bring

me to the test, and I the matter will re-word; which madness

would gambol from. Mother, for love of grace, lay not that

mattering unction to your soul, that not your trespass, but my

madness speaks: It will but skin and film the ulcerous place,

Whilst rank corruption, mining all within,

Infects unseen. Confess yourself to heaven;

Repent what's past, avoid what is to come—

And do not spread the compost on the weeds,

To make them ranker. Forgive me this my virtue; for in

the fatness of these pursy times

Virtue itself of vice must pardon beg,

Yea, curb and woo for leave to do him good.

You're still fucking calling me crazy?!

I'm being just as calm as you are, Ma, I'm not being crazy. Give me

an aptitude test or some shit, I'll pass it just as easily as the next guy.

And besides, don't make this about me—

We were talking about how your insane crimes are ruining this country,

and the only thing I've fucked up here is this old man and my uncle's day.

Who's really doing the damage, here, huh?

Is it Denfuck Sasquatch and their brilliant lyricism? Is it Rosencrantz

and Guildenstern and their now-legal marriage. No, Ma, you've got to

ask God for forgiveness before you're Permanently fucked. Sorry for

being so blunt, but you know that Oprah would agree with me. You've

gotta face your demons, Ma.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

O Hamlet, thou hast cleft my heart in twain.

Hamlet, you're killing me here.

HAMLET

O, throw away the worser part of it,

And live the purer with the other half.

Good night: but go not to mine uncle's bed;

Assume a virtue, if you have it not.

That monster, custom, who all sense doth eat,

Of habits devil, is angel yet in this,

That to the use of actions fair and good

He likewise gives a frock or livery,

That aptly is put on. Refrain to-night,

And that shall lend a kind of easiness

To the next abstinence: the next more easy;

For use almost can change the stamp of nature, and either the devil,

or throw him out With wondrous potency. Once more, good night:

and when you are desirous to be bless'd, I'll blessing beg of you.

For this same lord, [Pointing to POLONIUS]

I do repent: but heaven hath pleased it so,

To punish me with this and this with me,

That I must be their scourge and minister.

I will bestow him, and will answer well

The death I gave him. So, again, good night.

I must be cruel, only to be kind:

Thus bad begins and worse remains behind.

One word more, good lady.

Just kill the shitty parts of you and live like the sweet lady you

used to be! I'm gonna shove out now, but think hard before you

go and fuck Claud again.

At least pretend to be a kind human, even though I know you're not.

If you say no to fucking him tonight, it'll make it easier to turn down

a BJ the next, and on and on until even hand-holding freaks you out.

It's not too late for you, Ma, I really believe that. Let me know when

you have a chat with your God, and I'll start to deal with mine, too.

Like family therapy, you know? Sorry about this whole thing with the fatty—

He points to POLONIUS.

This was an unfortunate consequence of my master plan, and it sucks for him.

Trust me, Ma, it's gonna get worse. A lot worse.

Like, Denfuck Sasquatch's second EP, "Back in the Den", bad.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Oh, that's really bad.

HAMLET

Yeah.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

What shall I do?

Oh, that's really bad.

HAMLET

Not this, by no means, that I bid you do:

Let the bloat king tempt you again to bed;

Pinch wanton on your cheek; call you his mouse; and let him, for a pair

of reechy kisses, Or paddling in your neck with his damn'd fingers, make

you to ravel all this matter know it's not. If you call this crazy, then you

should be out, know it's not. If you call this crazy, then you should be out,

That I essentially am not in madness,

But mad in craft. 'Twere good you let him know;

For who, that's but a queen, fair, sober, wise,

Would from a paddock, from a bat, a gib,

Such dear concernings hide? who would do so?

No, in despite of sense and secrecy,

Unpeg the basket on the house's top.

Let the birds fly, and, like the famous ape,

To try conclusions, in the basket creep,

And break your own neck down.

Anything but stay with Claud like you have been. Don't let him call you

boo boo, don't let him touch you and convince you that my craziness

is all a sham, because you're Damn sure that it has a purpose.

Let him know I'm crazy, for all I care—

Rip off the Band Aid by confirming it and we'll get through this a lot faster.

Don't tell him what's happened here, or so help me—

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Be thou assured, if words be made of breath,

And breath of life, I have no life to breathe

What thou hast said to me.

I won't say anything, I promise!

If you promise not to carry on this insanity,

I'll stop.

HAMLET

I must to England; you know that?

I'm going to England, did they fill you in?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Alack, I had forgot: 'tis so concluded on.

Damn, you're right. I forgot.

HAMLET

There's letters seal'd: and my two schoolfellows,

Whom I will trust as I will adders fang'd,

They bear the mandate; they must sweep my way,

And marshal me to knavery. Let it work;

For 'tis the sport to have the engineer

Hoist with his own petard: and 't shall go hard

But I will delve one yard below their mines,

And blow them at the moon: O, 'tis most sweet,

When in one line two crafts directly meet.

This man shall set me packing:

I'll lug the guts into the neighbour room.

Mother, good night. Indeed this counsellor

Is now most still, most secret and most grave,

Who was in life a foolish prating knave.

Come, sir, to draw toward an end with you.

Good night, mother.

It's a done deal, Mommy, and I'm going with Rosencrantz and

Guildenstern, who I can trust as far as I can count on them to

bang chicks.

They'll be my little tour guides as my plans keep unfolding,

which is fine by me. Who knows, a fun vacation could do the pierced

degenerate Hamlet good, am I right?

[Points to POLONIUS]

Now that we'll be saving some time now listening to this old bag's

weird speeches, I'll get going. I'll deal with him Edgar Allan Poe style

upstairs later tonight. Have a good night, Ma. It's nice to finally have

a moment of peace in the same room as Polly, isn't it? Come on, fatty,

let's get this over with. Night, Mommy!

Exeunt severally; HAMLET dragging in POLONIUS.

They exit, HAMLET dragging POLONIUS behind him.

ACT IV, SCENE I. A room in the castle.

ACT 4. SCENE 1. A room in the castle.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ,

and GUILDENSTERN.

KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ, and

GUILDERSTERN enter.

KING CLAUDIUS

There's matter in these sighs, these profound heaves: You must translate:

'tis fit we understand them. Where is your son?

Gerty, you're bumming everyone out with your sighing. Why haven't

you come to bed yet? Was Hammy nice to you, at least?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Bestow this place on us a little while.

Gays evacuate, please.

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit.

Ah, my good lord, what have I seen to-night!

Claud, you wouldn't believe what happened.

KING CLAUDIUS

What, Gertrude? How does Hamlet?

Wait, what happened?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Mad as the sea and wind, when both contend

Which is the mightier: in his lawless fit,

Behind the arras hearing something stir,

Whips out his rapier, cries, 'A rat, a rat!'

And, in this brainish apprehension, kills

The unseen good old man.

Hamlet's gone and done it again!

KING CLAUDIUS

That lil' rascal!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

He was screaming at the walls about nothing, completely insane, and

stabbed Polonius when he spoke on accident.

KING CLAUDIUS

O heavy deed! It had been so with us, had we been there: His liberty is full

of threats to all; to you yourself, to us, to every one.

Alas, how shall this bloody deed be answer'd?

It will be laid to us, whose providence should have kept short, restrain'd and

out of haunt, this mad young man: but so much was our love, we would not

understand what was most fit; but, like the owner of a foul disease,

To keep it from divulging, let it feed

Even on the pith of Life. Where is he gone?

That man never did know when to shut his damn mouth. Still, that's bad news!

Mainly because it could have been me.

How do we deal with this? I could have done something sooner, but I just love

the little booger so much that I didn't have the heart.

If we leave him out in the chill of his own crazy, he'll just get worse.

Where is he?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

To draw apart the body he hath kill'd:

O'er whom his very madness, like some ore

Among a mineral of metals base,

Shows itself pure; he weeps for what is done.

He's disemboweling Polonius, of course.

It sounds terrible, but I think he feels really bad about it.

KING CLAUDIUS

O Gertrude, come away!

The sun no sooner shall the mountains touch,

But we will ship him hence: and this vile deed

We must, with all our majesty and skill,

Both countenance and excuse. Ho, Guildenstern!

Come on, baby, let's get out of here.

We'll get him on the next JetBlue flight out of here, don't worry. I'll explain

away Polonius, shouldn't be too hard. Yo, Guild!

Re-enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN re-enter.

Friends both, go join you with some further aid:

Hamlet in madness hath Polonius slain,

And from his mother's closet hath he dragg'd him: go seek him out; speak fair,

and bring the body into the chapel. I pray you, haste in this.

Guys, go find some of those brawny janitors to help you.

GUILDENSTERN

Hell yes.

KING CLAUDIUS

Hamlet's killed Polonius in one of his little fits,

And we need you to find whatever's left of the corpse.

ROSENCRANTZ

We better fucking get paid for this.

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit.

KING CLAUDIUS

Come, Gertrude, we'll call up our wisest friends;

And let them know, both what we mean to do,

And what's untimely done. O, come away!

My soul is full of discord and dismay.

Come on, Gerty, let's figure this shit out.

What a fuckin' day, am I right?

Exeunt

They exit.

ACT IV, SCENE II. Another room in the castle.

ACT 4, SCENE 2. A different room in Elsinore.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, attended.

CLAUDIUS enters with three of his bros.

KING CLAUDIUS

I have sent to seek him, and to find the body.

How dangerous is it that this man goes loose!

Yet must not we put the strong law on him:

He's loved of the distracted multitude,

Who like not in their judgment, but their eyes;

And where tis so, the offender's scourge is weigh'd,

but never the offence. To bear all smooth and even, this

sudden sending him away must seem deliberate pause:

diseases desperate grown by desperate appliance are

relieved, or not at all.

I sent those gays to figure out where the body is, y'all.

I can't believe that kid's still running around, but we

don't even have a case to throw him into jail if Gerty

doesn't talk. I can't be that guy who throws the sexy

dark prince into jail.

BRO #1

God knows I've been that guy.

BRO #2

No you're not, you fucking showoff.

Enter ROSENCRANTZ

ROSENCRANTZ enters.

KING CLAUDIUS

How now! what hath befall'n?

What's up?

ROSENCRANTZ

Where the dead body is bestow'd, my lord,

We cannot get from him.

We've got nothing.

KING CLAUDIUS

But where is he?

Where's Ham?

ROSENCRANTZ

Without, my lord; guarded, to know your pleasure.

He's outside. I've got a couple guys waiting outside in case he

tries to get away.

KING CLAUDIUS

Bring him before us.

Get the rat bastard in here!

ROSENCRANTZ

Ho, Guildenstern! bring in my lord.

Enter HAMLET and GUILDENSTERN

GUILDENSTERN enters with HAMLET.

KING CLAUDIUS

Now, Hamlet, where's Polonius?

All right, asshole. Where's Polly?

HAMLET

At supper.

At BK.

KING CLAUDIUS

At supper! where?

What? There's not one for miles.

HAMLET

Not where he eats, but where he is eaten: a certain convocation

of politic worms are e'en at him. Your worm is your only emperor

for diet: we fat all creatures else to fat us, and we fat ourselves for

maggots: your fat king and your lean beggar is but variable service,

two dishes, but to one table: that's the end.

He's not eating at BK, he's being eaten by BK. You know as well

as I that their employees scavenge in the fields after work, and I'm

sure they'll be on top of him like I used to get on top of his

funny-looking daughter. The BK guys fatten us up, and Polly's just

returning the favor. That's it.

KING CLAUDIUS

Alas, alas!

God damn it.

HAMLET

A man may fish with the worm that hath eat of a king, and cat of the

fish that hath fed of that worm.

Just imagine, you'll probably order a burger from them next week.

KING CLAUDIUS

What dost you mean by this?

What makes you think that?!

HAMLET

Nothing but to show you how a king may go a

progress through the guts of a beggar.

Just saying, they'll shit out Polonius and you'll keep going back.

KING CLAUDIUS

Where is Polonius?

Where is he, asshole?

HAMLET

In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there,

seek him i' the other place yourself. But indeed, if you find him not

within this month, you shall nose him as you go up the stairs into the

lobby.

In heaven! Does that make you feel better? Send the gays up to find

him, unless you're still against gay marriage, in which case they

probably can't, according to you. And if they can't find him, you'll

smell him upstairs.

KING CLAUDIUS

Go seek him there.

(to Bros) Go look for him up there.

To some Attendants

The bros exit.

HAMLET

He will stay till ye come.

He won't try and get away, don't rush.

KING CLAUDIUS

Hamlet, this deed, for thine especial safety,--

Which we do tender, as we dearly grieve

For that which thou hast done,--must send thee

Hence with fiery quickness: therefore prepare thyself;

The bark is ready, and the wind at help, The associates

tend, and every thing is bent for England.

Hammy, I'm not giving up on you, okay? Im doing you

a solid by sending you to England and not prison, okay?

I've printed out your e-ticket, Rosie and Guild are gonna go,

and you'll have a merry old time.

HAMLET

For England!

England, huh?

KING CLAUDIUS

Ay, Hamlet.

Damn straight.

HAMLET

Good.

Cool.

KING CLAUDIUS

So is it, if thou knew'st our purposes.

You'd think so, if you knew why I was doing it.

HAMLET

I see a cherub that sees them. But, come; for

England! Farewell, dear mother.

I'm totally onto your shit, relax. To England, away! Bye, Ma!

KING CLAUDIUS

Thy loving father, Hamlet.

I'm your dad, Ham, I love you.

HAMLET

My mother: father and mother is man and wife; man and wife is

one flesh; and so, my mother. Come, for England!

Nope, you're my mom. You and my mom are a unit now, aren't you?

You're my mom and my dad now, so hand me that damn e-ticket and

I'll ship the fuck out.

Exit

HAMLET exits.

KING CLAUDIUS

Follow him at foot; tempt him with speed aboard; Delay it not; I'll

have him hence to-night: Away! for every thing is seal'd and done

that else leans on the affair: pray you, make haste.

Go after him, guys, make sure he makes it to the right gate. I want

him on the right flight, make it fucking happen.

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

Everyone except KING CLAUDIUS exits.

And, England, if my love thou hold'st at aught-- As my great power

thereof may give thee sense,

Since yet thy cicatrice looks raw and red

After the Danish sword, and thy free awe

Pays homage to us--thou mayst not coldly set

Our sovereign process; which imports at full,

By letters congruing to that effect,

The present death of Hamlet. Do it, England;

For like the hectic in my blood he rages,

And thou must cure me: till I know 'tis done,

Howe'er my haps, my joys were ne'er begun.

And if you still give a shit, Mr. England-- which you fucking better,

since you owe my ass and better respect my authority-- then you won't

flinch to have Hamlet knocked off the second he lands. Don't pussy

out on me, king, it's the only thing that will end this shit show.

Exit

KING CLAUDIUS exits.

ACT IV, SCENE IV. A plain in Denmark.

ACT 4, SCENE 4. Elsinore Airport.

Enter FORTINBRAS, a CAPTAIN, and Soldiers, marching.

FORTINBRAS enters with a CAPTAIN and some army guys.

PRINCE FORTINBRAS

Go, captain, from me greet the Danish king;

Tell him that, by his licence, Fortinbras

Craves the conveyance of a promised march

Over his kingdom. You know the rendezvous.

If that his majesty would aught with us,

We shall express our duty in his eye;

And let him know so.

Get the fuck out, el Capitano, and tell the Danish

king I say hey. Let him know I want to move the

troops across Denmark and we won't pull that

shady shit like last time. Also, tell him we started

doing this whole army crossing thing before it got

trendy, so, like, he can't hold that against us.

CAPTAIN

I will do't, my lord.

I'll let him know!

PRINCE FORTINBRAS

Go softly on.

All right, peace.

Exeunt FORTINBRAS and Soldiers

Everyone except the CAPTAIN exit.

Enter HAMLET, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and others

HAMLET, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN enter with a

few sassy-looking drag queens.

HAMLET

Good sir, whose powers are these?

Who are these guys?

CAPTAIN

They are of Norway, sir.

The Norwegian prince with the funny name.

HAMLET

How purposed, sir, I pray you?

[Laughs] Oh my God totally forgot about that guy!

CAPTAIN

Against some part of Poland.

They're on their way to fuck up Poland.

HAMLET

Who commands them, sir?

Say the guy's name, I need a laugh.

CAPTAIN

The nephews to old Norway, Fortinbras.

It's the nephew of the king, Fortinbras.

HAMLET

Goes it against the main of Poland, sir,

Or for some frontier?

OH MY GOD, it never gets old! Going to Poland won't save him

from that fucking name.

CAPTAIN

Truly to speak, and with no addition,

We go to gain a little patch of ground

That hath in it no profit but the name.

To pay five ducats, five, I would not farm it;

Nor will it yield to Norway or the Pole

A ranker rate, should it be sold in fee.

[Laughs] That's what we tell him! We're going to fight for this tiny

bit of land that's not even worth our time. He's just one of those guys

who needs to kick guys around to feel useful.

GUILDENSTERN

I'm with him there.

HAMLET

Why, then the Polack never will defend it.

So that Polish people won't even care?

CAPTAIN

Yes, it is already garrison'd.

No, they'll definitely care. Total jerks.

HAMLET

Two thousand souls and twenty thousand ducats

Will not debate the question of this straw:

This is the imposthume of much wealth and peace,

That inward breaks, and shows no cause without

Why the man dies. I humbly thank you, sir.

[To himself] Old Sixaluminumthongs is going to

start a war over a zip code, the fucking jerk. If I'm

not a good example of what happens when royalty

gets bored...

CAPTAIN

God be wi' you, sir.

Oh my God, are you in that terrible band?

HAMLET

All right, we're out.

CAPTAIN

I'll give the creep your love.

Exit

The CAPTAIN exits.

ROSENCRANTZ

Wilt please you go, my lord?

Can we keep moving?!

HAMLET

I'll be with you straight go a little before.

Give me a sec, I need to brood.

Exeunt all except HAMLET

Everyone except HAMLET exits.

How all occasions do inform against me,

And spur my dull revenge! What is a man,

If his chief good and market of his time

Be but to sleep and feed? a beast, no more.

Sure, he that made us with such large discourse,

Looking before and after, gave us not

That capability and god-like reason

To fust in us unused. Now, whether it be

Bestial oblivion, or some craven scruple

Of thinking too precisely on the event,

A thought which, quarter'd, hath but one part

And ever three parts coward, I do not know

Why yet I live to say 'This thing's to do;'

Sith I have cause and will and strength and means to

do't. Examples gross as earth exhort

me: Witness this army of such mass and charge

led by a delicate and tender prince,

Whose spirit with divine ambition puff'd

Makes mouths at the invisible event,

Exposing what is mortal and unsure

To all that fortune, death and danger dare,

Even for an egg-shell. Rightly to be great

Is not to stir without great argument,

But greatly to find quarrel in a straw

When honour's at the stake. How stand I then,

That have a father kill'd, a mother stain'd,

Excitements of my reason and my blood,

And let all sleep? while, to my shame, I see

The imminent death of twenty thousand men,

That, for a fantasy and trick of fame,

Go to their graves like beds, fight for a plot

Whereon the numbers cannot try the cause,

Which is not tomb enough and continent

To hide the slain? O, from this time forth,

My thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!

Holy shit, I didn't think they'd actually listen.

Well, let's get to it. This Norwegian guy is almost as

shitty as my stepdad-uncle-- killing people instead of

facing their own demons or purchasing a

Denfuck Sasquatch MP3...probably both.

Is anyone on the goddamn continent better than this behavior.

It makes me want to finish what I started

instead of sexually experimenting

with my friends and fail to hook up with a cute drag

queen. Even if he is a fucking idiot, you've got to admire

this Fortinbras-- it takes a good soldier to fight for a

cause, but it takes a guy with money and a weird application

of excess time to travel internationally to fight for no reason.

Hell, I can't even fight my creepy uncle. He's cool with

killing twenty thousand of his own guys for no reason,

and I can't die for a good one. I'm with the little Norwegian

shit-- if you don't bust out the glock, you're wasting your

fucking time.

HAMLET exits.

ACT IV, SCENE V. Elsinore. A room in the castle.

ACT 4, SCENE 5. Another room in Elsinore.

Enter QUEEN GERTRUDE, HORATIO, and a Gentleman.

HORATIO, GERTRUDE, and a PERSON OF INDETERMINATE

GENDER enter.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

I will not speak with her.

Get out of my face!

GENTLEMAN

She is importunate, indeed distract:

Her mood will needs be pitied.

PERSON OF INDETERMINATE GENDER

She's insisting! I was all, "Ophelia, you've gotta relax," and she

was all, "What's in your pants anyways?!" So I was all--

QUEEN GERTRUDE

What would she have?

What does she want, anyways?

GENTLEMAN

She speaks much of her father; says she hears

There's tricks i' the world; and hems, and beats her heart;

Spurns enviously at straws; speaks things in doubt,

That carry but half sense: her speech is nothing,

Yet the unshaped use of it doth move the hearers to

collection; they aim at it, and botch the words up fit to

their own thoughts; Which, as her winks, and nods,

and gestures yield them, indeed would make one think t

here might be thought,

Though nothing sure, yet much unhappily.

PERSON OF INDETERMINATE GENDER

Well, she's been talking about old Polly, and that weird

Illuminati theory with all the rappers, she's been trying

to figure out if she's wearing the right bra size, and...oh

yeah, she's fucking crazy. She's talking fucking nonsense,

but her friends, like totally believe her. So I was with them

at Starbucks and was all--

HORATIO

'Twere good she were spoken with; for she may strew

dangerous conjectures in ill-breeding minds.

Listen to her, Gerty, you don't want those Starbucks baristas

coming up with any shifty ideas.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Let her come in.

Fuck, okay, okay.

Exit HORATIO

The PERSON OF INDETERMINATE GENDER exits.

To my sick soul, as sin's true nature is,

Each toy seems prologue to some great amiss:

So full of artless jealousy is guilt,

It spills itself in fearing to be spilt.

[To herself] But only because I don't want my delicious,

seasonal pumpkin lattes messed with. If Ophelia's nuts,

drawing logical conclusions according to patterns I've

observed in major literary works, shit will get worse.

Re-enter HORATIO, with OPHELIA

OPHELIA enters, drunk as fuck.

OPHELIA

Where is the beauteous majesty of Denmark?

GERTAYYYYYYYY!!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

How now, Ophelia!

Ophelia, you're being gross.

OPHELIA

[Sings] How should I your true love know

From another one?

By his cockle hat and staff,

And his sandal shoon.



AM I RIGHT!!!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Alas, sweet lady, what imports this song?

What the fuck did you just say?

OPHELIA

Say you? nay, pray you, mark.

[Sings]

He is dead and gone, lady,

He is dead and gone;

At his head a grass-green turf,

At his heels a stone.

My dad's dead, you can't yell at me, bitch!

What I said was 

 AM I RIGHT!!!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Nay, but, Ophelia,--

That's not...words.

OPHELIA

Pray you, mark.

You're not listening.



Sings

White his shroud as the mountain snow,--

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Horatio, she's speaking Korean.

HORATIO

Yeah, that's not Korean.

OPHELIA



QUEEN GERTRUDE

Well that was nice.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS

KING CLAUDIUS enters.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Alas, look here, my lord.

Claud, Ophelia's drunk and speaking Cantonese!

OPHELIA

[Sings]

Larded with sweet flowers

Which bewept to the grave did go

With true-love showers.

KING CLAUDIUS

How do you, pretty lady?

OPHELIA

Well, God 'ild you! They say the owl was a baker's daughter. Lord, we

know what we are, but know not what we may be. God be at your table!







And don't you forget it!

KING CLAUDIUS

Conceit upon her father.

Yeah, that's not Cantonese.

OPHELIA

Pray you, let's have no words of this; but when they ask you what

it means, say you this:

[Sings]

To-morrow is Saint Valentine's day,

All in the morning betime,

And I a maid at your window,

To be your Valentine.

Then up he rose, and donn'd his clothes,

And dupp'd the chamber-door;

Let in the maid, that out a maid

Never departed more.

So good to see you, Claudy, my dad loved you.

Do you have any vodka?

KING CLAUDIUS

Oh yeah, she's related to Polly!

OPHELIA

Let's not talk about that, let's party!





!!!

KING CLAUDIUS

Pretty Ophelia!

Honey, Wingdings isn't a spoken language.

OPHELIA

Indeed, la, without an oath, I'll make an end on't:

Sings

By Gis and by Saint Charity,

Alack, and fie for shame!

Young men will do't, if they come to't;

By cock, they are to blame.

Quoth she, before you tumbled me,

You promised me to wed.

So would I ha' done, by yonder sun,

An thou hadst not come to my bed.

My Latin teacher told me that same lie!



?!?

I'm acting out due to grief!

KING CLAUDIUS

We've got the idea.

OPHELIA

You wait until Laertes gets back, you fucking rich assholes.



KING CLAUDIUS

Yeah, well, .

OPHELIA

So fun! I'm going to go instill the fear of God into less deserving people.

KING CLAUDIUS

How long hath she been thus?

OPHELIA

I hope all will be well. We must be patient: but I cannot choose but weep,

to think they should lay him i' the cold ground. My brother shall know of it:

and so I thank you for your good counsel. Come, my coach! Good night, ladies;

good night, sweet ladies; good night, good night.

Exit OPHELIA

OPHELIA exits.

KING CLAUDIUS

Follow her close; give her good watch,

I pray you.

Keep an eye on her, Horatio, and keep her away from the baristas!

Exit HORATIO

HORATIO exits.

KING CLAUDIUS

You know, it's a shame that her father died but at least she's picked up a hobby.

She actually created a way to speak a font.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Whoa. Neat.

KING CLAUDIUS

Did you hear that Laertes came back and hasn't even visited the poor kid yet?

And we thought her dad was a deadbeat.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Hey, remember that time you sent my son to a foreign country because you

were too scared to off him yourself?

KING CLAUDIUS

Yes, why?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Oh, I don't know. Seemed like a good time to bring it up.

KING CLAUDIUS

Either way, let's agree that the poor girl is going to die in this act.

O, this is the poison of deep grief; it springs

All from her father's death. O Gertrude, Gertrude,

When sorrows come, they come not single spies

But in battalions. First, her father slain:

Next, your son gone; and he most violent author of his own just remove:

the people muddied, thick and unwholesome in their thoughts and whispers,

For good Polonius' death; and we have done but greenly, in hugger-mugger

to inter him: poor Ophelia divided from herself and her fair judgment,

without the which we are pictures, or mere beasts: last, and as much

containing as all these, her brother is in secret come from France;

feeds on his wonder, keeps himself in clouds, and wants not buzzers

to infect his ear with pestilent speeches of his father's death;

Wherein necessity, of matter beggar'd,

Will nothing stick our person to arraign

In ear and ear. O my dear Gertrude, this,

Like to a murdering-piece, in many places

Gives me superfluous death.

Did you hear that Laertes came back and hasn't even visited the poor

kid yet? And we thought her dad was a deadbeat.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Hey, remember that time you sent my son to a foreign country because

you were too scared to off him yourself?

KING CLAUDIUS

Yes, why?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Oh, I don't know. Seemed like a good time to bring it up.

KING CLAUDIUS

Either way, let's agree that the poor girl is going to die in this act.

A noise within

A loud noise is heard in the hallway.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Alack, what noise is this?

Oh, no doubt about it. Wait, did you hear something?

KING CLAUDIUS

What is the matter?

Guard the door!

Enter another Gentleman

A MESSENGER enters.

HORATIO exits.

GENTLEMAN

Save yourself, my lord:

The ocean, overpeering of his list,

Eats not the flats with more impetuous haste

Than young Laertes, in a riotous head,

O'erbears your officers. The rabble call him lord; And,

as the world were now but to begin, antiquity forgot,

custom not known,

The ratifiers and props of every word,

They cry 'Choose we: Laertes shall be king:'

Caps, hands, and tongues, applaud it to the clouds:

'Laertes shall be king, Laertes king!'

Look, I would've gotten this message to you sooner, but

Jesus are the buses around here terrible. Laertes is back

and he's pumped to kill y'all.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Aww.

MESSENGER

Like I said, the buses are terrible around here.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

How cheerfully on the false trail they cry!

O, this is counter, you false Danish dogs!

I can hear the accordion music from here!

They're coming!

KING CLAUDIUS

The doors are broke.

The effeminate bastards made it in!

Noise within

A noise offstage.

Enter LAERTES, armed; Danes following

LAERTES enters with some Frenchmen.

LAERTES

Where is this king? Sirs, stand you all without.

Where's the king? Guys, hold off a sec.

Danes

No, let's come in.

FRENCHMEN

We shall bear him with bread!

LAERTES

I pray you, give me leave.

Please consider guns, guys.

Danes

We will, we will.

We'll think it over!

They retire without the door

The FRENCHMEN exit.

LAERTES

I thank you: keep the door. O thou vile king,

Give me my father!

All right, guys, I'll see you later!

[to Claudius] Sorry about my friends, they're

overzealous and-- oh shit, I'm mad at you!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Calmly, good Laertes.

Such a close call!

LAERTES

That drop of blood that's calm proclaims me bastard,

cries cuckold to my father, brands the

harlot even here, between the chaste unsmirched

brow of my true mother.

I leave for two seconds—I literally left a week

ago, and all of a sudden my dad's all dismembered,

my sister's speaking in tongues, and you expect me

to be calm?

KING CLAUDIUS

What is the cause, Laertes,

That thy rebellion looks so giant-like?

Let him go, Gertrude; do not fear our person:

There's such divinity doth hedge a king,

That treason can but peep to what it would,

Acts little of his will. Tell me, Laertes,

Why thou art thus incensed. Let him go, Gertrude.

Speak, man.

Why are you being so sassy, Laertes? Give us

a second! You can't touch the king, yo, I'm

UNTOUCHABLE! Why are you so mad? Get out

of here, Gerty, let the kid air his issues.

LAERTES

Where is my father?

Where's my dad?

KING CLAUDIUS

Dead.

He's dead.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

But not by him.

It's not Claud's fault!

KING CLAUDIUS

Let him demand his fill.

Let him run his course.

LAERTES

How came he dead? I'll not be juggled with:

To hell, allegiance! vows, to the blackest devil!

Conscience and grace, to the profoundest pit!

I dare damnation. To this point I stand,

That both the worlds I give to negligence,

Let come what comes; only I'll be revenged

Most thoroughly for my father.

Well, how the fuck did he die, then?!

I am seriously so over this Denmark corporal bullshit,

Claud, so don't fuck around.

If Polly's really dead, someone's ass is going on the

chopping block for it.

KING CLAUDIUS

Who shall stay you?

Who's stopping you?

LAERTES

My will, not all the world:

And for my means, I'll husband them so well,

They shall go far with little.

Only my fear of being raped in prison.

KING CLAUDIUS

Good Laertes,

If you desire to know the certainty

Of your dear father's death, is't writ in your

revenge, that, swoopstake, you will draw both friend and foe,

Winner and loser?

Laertes, I was the only guy in the country

Who could put up with your dad's bullshit, and

You want to kill me?!

LAERTES

None but his enemies.

To his good friends thus wide I'll ope my arms;

And like the kind life-rendering pelican,

Repast them with my blood.

I want to kill his enemies.

KING CLAUDIUS

Oh, you're gonna love this one.

LAERTES

I'll be cool with his friends, don't be like that.

You're the fucking main suspect, though.

KING CLAUDIUS

Why, now you speak

Like a good child and a true gentleman.

That I am guiltless of your father's death,

And am most sensible in grief for it,

It shall as level to your judgment pierce

As day does to your eye.

All right, that's all fixable.

I can completely prove my innocence

By blaming the whole damn thing

On someone else and avoiding the truth

Of my a certain former Danish king

Died in his sleep.

DANES

[Within] Let her come in.

[Offstage] Let the bitch in!

LAERTES

How now! what noise is that?

Whoa, what's that?

Re-enter OPHELIA

OPHELIA re-enters.

O heat, dry up my brains! tears seven times salt,

Burn out the sense and virtue of mine eye!

By heaven, thy madness shall be paid by weight,

Till our scale turn the beam. O rose of May!

Dear maid, kind sister, sweet Ophelia!

O heavens! is't possible, a young maid's wits

Should be as moral as an old man's life?

Nature is fine in love, and where 'tis fine,

It sends some precious instance of itself

After the thing it loves.

Holy shit, this is bad.

Ophelia, you didn't look great before, but now...

Damn. I never thought I'd miss the five layers of

foundation, but there you have it.

What the hell happened to you?!

Did you really like Dad that much?

He was the worst, kind of, you've got to admit it.

OPHELIA

[Sings]

They bore him barefaced on the bier;

Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny;

And in his grave rain'd many a tear:--

Fare you well, my dove!

[Sings] 





!!!

LAERTES

Hadst thou thy wits, and didst persuade revenge,

it could not move thus.

All right, Claud, I'd have to be a damn fool not

to want revenge after all this.

OPHELIA

[Sings] You must sing a-down a-down,

An you call him a-down-a.

O, how the wheel becomes it! It is the false

steward, that stole his master's daughter.

Bro, listen to this song I wrote about Dad!

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

dsgjkdlfng!!!

LAERTES

This nothing's more than matter.

What the fuck was that end part?

OPHELIA

There's rosemary, that's for remembrance; pray, love, remember:

and there is pansies. that's for thoughts.

You should see what people had to buy me to get me to stop

creeping them out. I've for H&M gift certificates, I've got a

new Kindle.

LAERTES

A document in madness, thoughts and remembrance fitted.

Pretty sweet deal, but was it worth it for you?

OPHELIA

There's fennel for you, and columbines: there's rue for you;

and here's some for me: we may call it herb-grace o' Sundays:

O you must wear your rue with a difference. There's a daisy:

I would give you some violets, but they withered all when my

father died: they say he made a good end,--

Kind of, mainly because I was looking to read a new book.

Here's my favorite passage:









[Sings]

[Sings]

For bonny sweet Robin is all my joy.

Da na na na na na na na, Batman.

LAERTES

Thought and affliction, passion, hell itself,

She turns to favour and to prettiness.

Is anyone writing this shit down?

OPHELIA

[Sings]

And will he not come again?

And will he not come again?

No, no, he is dead:

Go to thy death-bed:

He never will come again.

His beard was as white as snow, All flaxen was

his poll: He is gone, he is gone,

And we cast away moan:

God ha' mercy on his soul!

And of all Christian souls, I pray God. God be wi' ye.

Laertes, maybe if you didn't skip town the second things

got bad I would be talking regular right now.

LAERTES

The only reason you stayed was because of your emo

boyfriend and unfair gender standards!

OPHELIA

Look, he totally did wanted to bone me,

You guys were being jerks before.

Exit

OPHELIA exits.

LAERTES

Do you see this, O God?

Now she thinks she's good looking?!

KING CLAUDIUS

Laertes, I must commune with your grief,

Or you deny me right. Go but apart,

Make choice of whom your wisest friends you will.

And they shall hear and judge 'twixt you and me:

If by direct or by collateral hand

They find us touch'd, we will our kingdom give,

Our crown, our life, and all that we can ours,

To you in satisfaction; but if not,

Be you content to lend your patience to us,

And we shall jointly labour with your soul

To give it due content.

Like I said, she's gone completely insane.

Now go talk to your little Frenchies,

Have a block of cheese and think about what's going on.

If you still find me guilty after all that,
I'll give you my entire damn kingdom

And my wife's snatch as well.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Come on.

LAERTES

Let this be so;

His means of death, his obscure funeral--

No trophy, sword, nor hatchment o'er his bones,

No noble rite nor formal ostentation--

Cry to be heard, as 'twere from heaven to earth,

That I must call't in question.

I accept the cougar challenge!

The way dad died, the shady funeral,

The coffin being full of jars with vital organs

instead of you know, being intact...

It's worth discussing with the Frenchies.

KING CLAUDIUS

So you shall;

And where the offence is let the great axe fall.

I pray you, go with me.

Tell them I love their cute lil' moustaches.

We'll put the guilty party to death before you know it.

Come on, Laertes.

Exeunt

KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, and LAERTES exit.

ACT IV, SCENE VI. Another room in the castle.

ACT 4, SCENE 6. Yes, another room in the castle.

Castle are fucking big, okay?

Enter HORATIO and a SERVANT.

HORATIO and a SERVANT enter.

HORATIO

What are they that would speak with me?

Who are the people who wanna talk with us?

SERVANT

Sailors, sir: they say they have letters for you.

Some sailors, they've got mail for you.

HORATIO

Let them come in.

I have a fucking e-mail account, but okay.

Exit SERVANT.

The SERVANT exits.

I do not know from what part of the world

I should be greeted, if not from Lord Hamlet.

Ten bucks that it's from Hamlet.

Enter SAILORS.

SAILORS enter.

FIRST SAILOR

God bless you, sir.

Hey, man.

HORATIO

Let him bless thee too.

All right, cut to the chase.

FIRST SAILOR

He shall, sir, an't please him. There's a letter for you, sir;

it comes from the ambassador that was bound for England;

if your name be Horatio, as I am let to know it is.

You're Horatio, right? We've got a letter from England

for you.

HORATIO

Yup, that's me. Couldn't a mailman have done this transaction?

FIRST SAILOR

You'd think, right?

HORATIO

[Reads] 'Horatio, when thou shalt have overlooked this, give

these fellows some means to the king: they have letters for

him. Ere we were two days old at sea, a pirate of very warlike

appointment gave us chase. Finding ourselves too slow of sail,

we put on a compelled valour, and in the grapple I boarded them:

on the instant they got clear of our ship; so I alone became their

prisoner. They have dealt with me like thieves of mercy: but they

knew what they did; I am to do a good turn for them. Let the king

have the letters I have sent; and repair thou to me with as much

speed as thou wouldst fly death. I have words to speak in thine

ear will make thee dumb: yet are they much too light for the bore of

the matter. These good fellows will bring thee

where I am. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern hold their course for

England: of them I have much to tell thee. Farewell.

'He that thou knowest thine, HAMLET.'

Come, I will make you way for these your letters; And do't the

speedier, that you may direct me to him from whom you brought them.

[Reads] 'To my bassist and closest friend:

Dude, don't hate me. I totally forgot your e-mail address. Like, I tried

to send it to horatiwhore@gmail.com and iamthesasquatch@msn.com...

Wasn't that your e-mail in junior high? Either way, nothing went through.

England is fucking terrible, someone tried to poison by PBR on the plane

and was saved by these soldiers, who are trained to smell that shit from a

mile away. Take them to Elsinore and I'll meet you there? I managed to

sneak away from the gays at a club last night,

So I'll meet you there. Also, wrote a new single about airline poison. Holla.

Hammy" All right, you poison-sniffing crazies, let's do this—

who's ready to go to a corrupt-ass palace?

Exeunt

Everyone exits.

ACT IV, SCENE VII. Another room in the castle.

ACT 4, SCENE 7. Another fucking room in Elsinore.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS and LAERTES.

KING CLAUDIUS and LAERTES enter.

KING CLAUDIUS

Now must your conscience my acquaintance seal, and

you must put me in your heart for friend,sith you have

heard, and with a knowing ear, that he which hath your

noble father slain pursued my life.

You gotta admit, man, I couldn't be more innocent.

Like, the guy I'm trying to kill is the guy who killed your

dad, am I right? And he wants to kill me!

LAERTES

It well appears: but tell me

Why you proceeded not against these feats,

So crimeful and so capital in nature,

As by your safety, wisdom, all things else,

You mainly were stirr'd up.

Okay, okay, I get it.

But you didn't try and stop the murderer from doing it, so

I'm still pissed at you.

KING CLAUDIUS

O, for two special reasons;

Which may to you, perhaps, seem much unsinew'd, but yet

to me they are strong. The queen his mother lives almost by his

looks; and for myself-- My virtue or my plague, be it either

which-- She's so conjunctive to my life and soul, that, as the

star moves not but in his sphere, I could not but by her. The

other motive, why to a public count I might not go,

Is the great love the general gender bear him;

Who, dipping all his faults in their affection,

Would, like the spring that turneth wood to stone, convert his

gyves to graces; so that my arrows, too slightly timber'd for so

loud a wind, would have reverted to my bow again,

And not where I had aim'd them.

I had my reasons, I swear!

It seems like pussy reasons, but hear me out.

First of all, Gerty. She loves the little guy.

She also holds the royal snatch I'm in deep shit with if I betray,

so she's kind of my one line of defense...in that, um area.

And then there's the public!

They may fucking hate Denfuck Sasquatch,

But Hammy's been on the cover of

Syttende ever since his balls dropped, and I can't afford to

have those teenyboppers against the state. They really hold

the keys to the kingdom.

LAERTES

And so have I a noble father lost; A sister driven into desperate terms,

whose worth, if praises may go back again, stood challenger on mount

of all the age for her perfections: but my revenge will come.

So you didn't want to fuck with the magazine industry, but I have a

dead dad and a crazy, homely sister?

Yeah, that's totally fair. No, man, I gotta kill someone over this shit.

KING CLAUDIUS

Break not your sleeps for that: you must not think that we are made of

stuff so flat and dull that we can let our beard be shook with danger and

think it pastime. You shortly shall hear more: I loved your father, and we

love ourself; And that, I hope, will teach you to imagine--

I'm not a dummy, Laertes, I'm all about this situation...granted,

it's because it has to do with me, but, you know, what can you do?

Polly was an okay guy, and I'm an even better

Guy, so I can really see this working out.

Enter a MESSENGER.

A MESSENGER enters.

How now! what news?

What's going on?

MESSENGER

Letters, my lord, from Hamlet:

This to your majesty; this to the queen.

Hamlet lost the contacts in his phone,

So he wrote the queen a letter instead.

KING CLAUDIUS

From Hamlet! who brought them?

He broke his goddamn phone?

MESSENGER

Sailors, my lord, they say; I saw them not:

They were given me by Claudio; he received them of him that

brought them.

A couple of sailors brought them, I was told.

That guy Bruce gave them to me, I just wanted to see what your

reaction would be.

KING CLAUDIUS

Laertes, you shall hear them. Leave us.

All right, let's hear it.

Exit MESSENGER.

The MESSENGER exits.

[Reads]

[Reads]

'High and mighty, You shall know I am set naked on your kingdom.

To-morrow shall I beg leave to see your kingly eyes: when I shall,

first asking your pardon thereunto, recount the occasion of my sudden

and more strange return. 'HAMLET.'

What should this mean? Are all the rest come back? Or is it some abuse,

and no such thing?

'Hey man, joke's on you.

Your shitty little plane poisoning plan didn't fucking work, and I'm

coming home tomorrow. I've got a hell of a story for you, fake dad.

HAMMY.'

What the fuck is he talking about?

LAERTES

Know you the hand?

How did you even read that handwriting?

KING CLAUDIUS

'Tis Hamlets character. 'Naked!

And in a postscript here, he says 'alone.'

Can you advise me?

Yup, that's his chicken scrawl.

Do you have any idea what happened to him in England?

LAERTES

I'm lost in it, my lord. But let him come;

It warms the very sickness in my heart,

That I shall live and tell him to his teeth,

'Thus didest thou.'

I have no idea. Let him come home, though.

This is actually perfect, I'll have the chance to personally

stab him in the face.

KING CLAUDIUS

If it be so, Laertes-- As how should it be so? how otherwise?--

Will you be ruled by me?

Saves me some trouble, I'm down with it.

Can I help?

LAERTES

Ay, my lord;

So you will not o'errule me to a peace.

I mean, as long as you don't fuck it up.

KING CLAUDIUS

To thine own peace. If he be now return'd,

As checking at his voyage, and that he means

No more to undertake it, I will work him

To an exploit, now ripe in my device,

Under the which he shall not choose but fall:

And for his death no wind of blame shall breathe,

but even his mother shall uncharge the practice and

call it accident.

I make no guarantees, yo.

If he's just going to come home and mope around as

usual, I'll plan something real flashy to kill him. I'm

thinking boas, those drag queens the gays are always

hanging around, an old-school guillotine—

LAERTES

My lord, I will be ruled; The rather, if you could devise

it so that I might be the organ.

This is sounding a little Andrew Llyod Webber.

Honestly, I'll go along with anything as long as I get

to kill him in the end.

KING CLAUDIUS

It falls right.

You have been talk'd of since your travel much, and that

in Hamlet's hearing, for a quality wherein, they say, you

shine: your sum of parts did not together pluck such envy

from him as did that one, and that, in my regard, of the

unworthiest siege.

I know a couple composers. We could sell tickets.

This could be awesome. And you know, lil' Laertes,

Ever since you left to go play with your Frenchies

there's been a few rumors about your secret talent.

LAERTES

What part is that, my lord?

Those films were made for money only.

KING CLAUDIUS

A very riband in the cap of youth,

Yet needful too; for youth no less becomes

The light and careless livery that it wears

Than settled age his sables and his weeds,

Importing health and graveness. Two months since,

here was a gentleman of Normandy:--

I've seen myself, and served against, the French, and

they can well on horseback: but this gallant had

witchcraft in't; he grew unto his seat; and to such wondrous

doing brought his horse, as he had been incorpsed and

demi-natured with the brave beast: so far he topp'd my

That I, in forgery of shapes and tricks,

Come short of what he did.

No, no, not those.

I did watch them online, though.

I met this actor from Normandy a couple months ago

who was in this amazing male burlesque review—

LAERTES

You think it'd be an oxymoron, but it's not.

KING CLAUDIUS

\--and he was amazing. I mean, I'm definitely a heterosexual

homewrecker, but this guy was really tremendous.

LAERTES

A Norman was't?

Normandy, you say?

KING CLAUDIUS

A Norman.

Yup.

LAERTES

Upon my life, Lamond.

It was Lefranc, wasn't it?!

KING CLAUDIUS

The very same.

That's the one!

LAERTES

I know him well: he is the brooch indeed

And gem of all the nation.

He could turn the dirtiest pimp to dudes,

You're completely right.

KING CLAUDIUS

He made confession of you,

And gave you such a masterly report

For art and exercise in your defence

And for your rapier most especially,

That he cried out, 'twould be a sight indeed,

If one could match you: the scrimers of their nation,

he swore, had had neither motion, guard, nor eye, if

you opposed them. Sir, this report of his did Hamlet

so envenom with his envy that he could nothing do

but wish and beg your sudden coming o'er, to play with him.

Now, out of this,--

He was telling me that you two used to work together in the shows.

LAERTES

But not in the obvious way you'd think.

KING CLAUDIUS

But is it true that you are a magnificent lion-tamer, so I suggest

you and Hamlet compete in it.

LAERTES

What out of this, my lord?

Now there's a show!

KING CLAUDIUS

Laertes, was your father dear to you?

Or are you like the painting of a sorrow,

A face without a heart?

You two will tame the lions, and when he least expects it

—boom! You'll stab him!

LAERTES

Wait, the lion doesn't commit the murder?

KING CLAUDIUS

Why would it?

Laertes, did you love your dad or what?

LAERTES

Why ask you this?

Why?

KING CLAUDIUS

Not that I think you did not love your father;

But that I know love is begun by time;

And that I see, in passages of proof,

Soft! let me see: We'll make a solemn wager on your cunnings:

I ha't. When in your motion you are hot and dry-- As make your

bouts more violent to that end-- And that he calls for drink, I'll

have prepared him a chalice for the nonce, whereon but sipping,

if he by chance escape your venom'd stuck, our purpose may

hold there.

I'm not saying you don't, but I am saying that the longer you

wait, the shittier of an idea this'll seem. We need to find a good

knife plus two majestic lions, and there's no way around it.

Enter QUEEN GERTRUDE

QUEEN GERTRUDE enters.

How now, sweet queen!

Gerty!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

One woe doth tread upon another's heel,

So fast they follow; your sister's drown'd, Laertes.

Bad news, guys.

Ophelia's dead.

LAERTES

Drown'd! O, where?

You've gotta be fucking kidding me!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

There is a willow grows aslant a brook,

That shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream;

There with fantastic garlands did she come

Of crow-flowers, nettles, daisies, and long purples

that liberal shepherds give a grosser name, but our

cold maids do dead men's fingers call them: There,

on the pendent boughs her coronet weeds clambering

to hang, an envious sliver broke; when down her weedy

trophies and herself fell in the weeping brook. Her

clothes spread wide; and, mermaid-like, awhile they bore her up:

Which time she chanted snatches of old tunes;

As one incapable of her own distress,

Or like a creature native and indued

Unto that element: but long it could not be

Till that her garments, heavy with their drink,

Pull'd the poor wretch from her melodious lay

To muddy death.

So you know that steep cliff about ten minutes from here?

KING CLAUDIUS

Goddamn that thing.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

So Ophelia's watching Seinfeld on that new Kindle she was telling

us about, right?

LAERTES

Confound that piece of technological genius!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Right, right. So she's watching Season Three and mumbling that

Wingdings shit, and all of a sudden—boom. She bounced off every

rock, I swear. It's on Youtube.

LAERTES

Alas, then, she is drown'd?

So she's hyena meat?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Drown'd, drown'd.

I'm not really sure about hyena diets.

LAERTES

Too much of water hast thou, poor Ophelia,

And therefore I forbid my tears: but yet

It is our trick; nature her custom holds,

Let shame say what it will: when these are gone,

the woman will be out. Adieu, my lord:

I have a speech of fire, that fain would blaze,

But that this folly douts it.

You've already heard too many visual text characters,

Ophelia, so I won't push it by composing a eulogy

in that foreign tongue. I'm gonna go cry my fucking

eyes out and use my Frenchmen as handkerchiefs.

Exit

LAERTES exits.

KING CLAUDIUS

Let's follow, Gertrude:

How much I had to do to calm his rage!

Now fear I this will give it start again;

Therefore let's follow.

Let's go after him, Gerty.

I literally just spent an entire scene trying to chill

that guy out, and now I feel like I've wasted the audience's

time. Let's follow him.

Exeunt

KING CLAUDIUS and QUEEN GERTRUDE exit.

ACT V, SCENE I. A churchyard.

ACT FIVE, SCENE 1. A graveyard.

Enter two CLOWNS, with spades.

Two COMEDIAN/GRAVEDIGGERS enter.

FIRST CLOWN

Is she to be buried in Christian burial that

wilfully seeks her own salvation?

This girl kill herself because she had sex with you?

SECOND CLOWN

I tell thee she is: and therefore make her grave

straight: the crowner hath sat on her, and finds it Christian burial.

No, she killed herself because she was watching Seinfeld.

FIRST CLOWN

How can that be, unless she drowned herself in her own defence?

Oh my God, you're such a snob. She wanted to watch it. How

do we even know it's suicide?

SECOND CLOWN

Why, 'tis found so.

Hey, I'm not the one who makes those calls.

FIRST CLOWN

It must be 'se offendendo;' it cannot be else. For here lies the point:

if I drown myself wittingly, it argues an act: and an act hath three

branches: it is, to act, to do, to perform: argal, she drowned herself

wittingly.

All I'm saying is if she walked off a cliff and she's lived here her

whole life, it had to have been an act. I refuse to believe a woman

this homely lacked self-awareness—look at all that makeup she's

wearing.

SECOND CLOWN

Nay, but hear you, goodman delver,--

Listen up, you two-bit open miker...

FIRST CLOWN

Give me leave. Here lies the water; good: here

stands the man; good; if the man go to this water, and drown himself,

it is, will he, nill he, he goes,--mark you that; but if the water come to

him and drown him, he drowns not himself: argal, he that is not guilty

of his own death shortens not his own life.

Let me finish, asshole, I opened for that guy who was on Comedy

Central presents. You're just fucking jealous. What I'm trying to tell

you is maybe she wasn't looking for the cliff.

Maybe the cliff wanted her. Know what I mean?

SECOND CLOWN

But is this law?

You're high.

FIRST CLOWN

Ay, marry, is't; crowner's quest law.

Who digs graves sober?

SECOND CLOWN

Will you ha' the truth on't? If this had not

Been a gentlewoman, she should have been buried out

o' Christian burial.

You wanna know the cold, hard truth?

If she hadn't been fucking rich, she wouldn't be getting

this prime grave real estate.

FIRST CLOWN

Why, there thou say'st: and the more pity that

great folk should have countenance in this world to drown

or hang themselves, more than their even Christian. Come,

my spade. There is no ancient gentleman but gardeners,

ditchers, and grave-makers: they hold up Adam's profession.

Well, there you have it. Rich bitches can fling themselves

off cliffs and us comedians—

SECOND COMEDIAN

We're dig graves more often.

SECOND CLOWN

Was he a gentleman?

FIRST COMEDIAN

The fact that we're even talking about her means she won.

SECOND COMEDIAN

She's the Kardashian of suicide.

FIRST CLOWN

He was the first that ever bore arms.

Wait, you did date this girl, didn't you?

SECOND CLOWN

Why, he had none.

Not exactly.

FIRST CLOWN

What, art a heathen? How dost thou understand the scripture?

The Scripture says 'Adam digged:' could he dig without arms?

I'll put another question to thee: if thou answerest me not to the

purpose, confess thyself--

What do you mean, not exactly?

SECOND CLOWN

Go to.

She, like, turned me down.

FIRST CLOWN

What is he that builds stronger than either the

mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter?

With that face? You need to come up with a better set, buddy,

that might get you laid. Okay, let's see if you can crack this

one—what do you tell a guy who makes something stronger

than stone, ships, or bricks?

SECOND CLOWN

The gallows-maker; for that frame outlives a

thousand tenants.

...Carlin at Carnegie?

FIRST CLOWN

I like thy wit well, in good faith: the gallows

does well; but how does it well? it does well to those that do in:

now thou dost ill to say the gallows is built stronger than the

church: argal, the gallows may do well to thee. To't again, come.

All right, that's enough of that shit. It's the pistol, dude.

The pistol does a pretty good job for pretty bad people.

SECOND CLOWN

'Who builds stronger than a mason, a shipwright, or a carpenter?'

Okay, let me try again.

FIRST CLOWN

Ay, tell me that, and unyoke.

We've got all night.

SECOND CLOWN

Marry, now I can tell.

Oh, oh, I've got it!

FIRST CLOWN

To't.

Fuckin' say it!

SECOND CLOWN

Mass, I cannot tell.

Shit, I forgot.

Enter HAMLET and HORATIO, at a distance

HAMLET and HORATIO enter, keep their distance.

FIRST CLOWN

Cudgel thy brains no more about it, for your dull

ass will not mend his pace with beating; and, when you are

asked this question next, say 'a grave-maker: 'the houses

that he makes last till doomsday. Go, get thee to Yaughan:

fetch me a stoup of liquor.

All right, don't shit your pants over it.

You can't make a bad comedian a good gravedigger with one

clever riddle. The answer was us, the diggers. We make the

most permanent houses of all! Go get us a handle of Smirnoff,

huh?

Exit SECOND CLOWN.

The SECOND COMEDIAN exits.

He digs and sings.

FIRST COMEDIAN digs and hums to himself.

In youth, when I did love, did love,

Methought it was very sweet,

To contract, O, the time, for, ah, my behove,

O, methought, there was nothing meet.

You're here, there's nothing I fear

And I know that my heart will go on

We'll stay forever this way

You are safe in my heart and...

HAMLET

Has this fellow no feeling of his business, that he sings at grave-making?

If you can sing that and dig a grave, you've been doing it too long.

HORATIO

Custom hath made it in him a property of easiness.

Anything becomes normal if you do it long enough.

HAMLET

'Tis e'en so: the hand of little employment hath the daintier sense.

Just goes to show that only the rich have the time to be sensitive.

FIRST CLOWN

[Sings] But age, with his stealing steps

Hath claw'd me in his clutch,

And hath shipped me intil the land,

As if I had never been such.

[Sing] My heart will go on and onnnnn!

Do dooooooo do do dooooo,

Do do doooooooo!

Throws up a skull

He tosses a skull out of the grave.

HAMLET

That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once: how the knave

jowls it to the ground, as if it were Cain's jaw-bone, that did the

first murder! It might be the pate of a politician, which this ass

now o'er-reaches; one that would circumvent God, might it not?

That skull used to be just like yours or mine— It had the

capacity to sing and enjoy the musical genius that is screamo,

or maybe even of one of the record promoters that could have

propelled us to fame! Now this fucking wannabe is handling it.

HORATIO

It might, my lord.

I think he opened for someone on Comedy Central once.

HAMLET

Or of a courtier; which could say 'Good morrow,

sweet lord! How dost thou, good lord?' This might be my lord

such-a-one, that praised my lord such-a-one's horse, when he

meant to beg it; might it not?

Then he's worse than a gravedigger.

She could have been a fan that either of us could have laid as

easy as this asshole tosses her around now. She could have

worked for my dad, for all I know.

HORATIO

Ay, my lord.

You're overthinking it, bro.

HAMLET

Why, e'en so: and now my Lady Worm's; chapless, and knocked

about the mazzard with a sexton's spade: here's fine revolution,

an we had the trick to see't. Did these bones cost no more the breeding,

but to play at loggats with 'em? mine ache to think on't.

And now it belongs to the failure of the humor industry, getting beat

around with an IKEA Shovel. Tables have turned, haven't they? We

could use them for bowling pins if we wanted, and the person it belonged

to wouldn't know the difference. Ugh.

FIRST CLOWN

[Sings] A pick-axe, and a spade, a spade,

For and a shrouding sheet:

O, a pit of clay for to be made

For such a guest is meet.

[Sings] Every night in my dreams,

I see you, I feel you,

That is how I know you

Go awwwwwwwwwwn.

Throws up another skull

He tosses up yet another skull.

HAMLET

There's another: why may not that be the skull of a lawyer? Where be

his quiddities now, his quillets, his cases, his tenures, and his tricks?

why does he suffer this rude knave now to knock him about the sconce

with a dirty shovel, and will not tell him of his action of battery? Hum!

This fellow might be in's time a great buyer of land, with his statutes,

his recognizances, his fines, his double vouchers,

his recoveries: is this the fine of his fines, and

the recovery of his recoveries, to have his fine

pate full of fine dirt? will his vouchers vouch him no more of his purchases,

and double ones too, than the length and breadth of a pair of indentures?

The very conveyances of his lands will hardly lie in this box; and must the

inheritor himself have no more, ha?

Aaaand another one. Let's say that one's your cousin that died in the

grocery store accident. Where are her huge titties now, huh?

HORATIO

Let's not get into it.

HAMLET

All right, maybe it's your dead hamster that I accidentally drowned

at camp a few summers ago.

HORATIO

You never told me that!

HAMLET

This seems like as good a time as any.

HORATIO

Not a jot more, my lord.

You make it really hard to be on your side, Ham.

HAMLET

Is not parchment made of sheepskins?

At least I put the body to good use.

HORATIO

Ay, my lord, and of calf-skins too.

Please, I don't want to know what you did.

HAMLET

They are sheep and calves which seek out assurance in that. I will speak to

this fellow. Whose grave's this, sirrah?

Okay. Okay, I won't say anything.

...I made it into croutons.

Whose grave is this, you hack?

FIRST CLOWN

Mine, sir.

Mine?

[Sings]

[Sings]

O, a pit of clay for to be made

For such a guest is meet.

Far across the distance,

And spaces betweeeeeen us—

HAMLET

I think it be thine, indeed; for thou liest in't.

It must be, you're the one lying in it.

FIRST CLOWN

You lie out on't, sir, and therefore it is not

yours: for my part, I do not lie in't, and yet it is mine.

And you're just outside it, so you must have wandered out of yours. I'm

not lying to you in it, this grave is mine.

HAMLET

'Thou dost lie in't, to be in't and say it is thine:

'tis for the dead, not for the quick; therefore

thou liest.

Save it for the mike, asshole. You're lying in

it, and you're not dead. So as you're lying in it, you're also lying

in it. Get it?

FIRST CLOWN

'Tis a quick lie, sir; 'twill away gain, from me to you.

It's an interesting lie, though, isn't it?

HAMLET

What man dost thou dig it for?

HORATIO

Can you just tell me what guy this grave is for?

FIRST CLOWN

For no man, sir.

Not a guy, sonny.

HAMLET

What woman, then?

What woman, then? Jesus.

FIRST CLOWN

For none, neither.

Not a lady, either.

HAMLET

Who is to be buried in't?

HORATIO

Who?!?!

FIRST CLOWN

One that was a woman, sir; but, rest her soul, she's dead.

Well, she used to be a woman, but she's dead now.

HAMLET

How absolute the knave is! we must speak by the card, or

equivocation will undo us. By the Lord, Horatio, these three

years I have taken a note of it; the age is grown so picked

that the toe of the peasant comes so near the heel of the

courtier, he gaffs his kibe. How long hast thou been a grave-maker?

No offense, bro, but it's not surprising to me that your career

hasn't taken off. We've got to just straight shoot with this hack,

Horatio, or we'll never get anywhere with this useless conversation.

How long have you been moonlighting as a gravedigger, pal?

FIRST CLOWN

Of all the days i' the year, I came to't that day

that our last king Hamlet overcame Fortinbras.

And you say my jokes are bad.

I started when the dead king beat Fortinbras.

HAMLET

How long is that since?

Oh my God, that name. How long is that?

FIRST CLOWN

Cannot you tell that? every fool can tell that: it was the very day that

young Hamlet was born; he that is mad, and sent into England.

Seriously? Everyone knows that, it's the same day that our moody

little prince Hamlet was born-- you know, the one that just got shipped

off to London.

HAMLET

Ay, marry, why was he sent into England?

Is that what they did with that attractive but quirky motherfucker?

FIRST CLOWN

Why, because he was mad: he shall recover his wits there; or, if he

do not, it's no great matter there.

He was quirky, but a crazy motherfucker nonetheless. Apparently

they think England's gonna cure him, but it doesn't really matter.

HAMLET

Why?

It doesn't?

FIRST CLOWN

'Twill, a not be seen in him there; there the men are as mad as he.

Everyone there's a crazy fuck.

HAMLET

How came he mad?

How did Prince Hamwich get all crazy to start with?

FIRST CLOWN

Very strangely, they say.

You must be from out of town. He's just...weird.

HAMLET

How strangely?

You can exile someone for being weird?

FIRST CLOWN

Faith, e'en with losing his wits.

It's more than that. He lost his mind.

HAMLET

Upon what ground?

No kidding. Sounds fun.

FIRST CLOWN

Why, here in Denmark: I have been sexton here, man and boy,

thirty years.

He lost it right here in Denmark, similar-looking friend.

I've been working around this shithole for almost thirty years now.

HAMLET

How long will a man lie i' the earth ere he rot?

The comedy clubs?

FIRST COMEDIAN grunts.

How long does a guy sit in one of those coffins before he starts to stink?

FIRST CLOWN

I' faith, if he be not rotten before he die--as we

have many pocky corses now-a-days, that will scarce hold the laying in

\--he will last you some eight year or nine year: a tanner will last you

nine year.

Well, if he's got a shitty guy before he gets to me, he starts to smell

shitty after...I dunno, a couple days. A porn star lasts a little longer.

HAMLET

Why he more than another?

How come?

FIRST CLOWN

Why, sir, his hide is so tanned with his trade, that he will keep out water

a great while; and your water is a sore decayer of your whoreson

dead body. Here's a skull now; this skull has lain in the earth three

and twenty years.

Because his soul is so calloused from a lifetime of having sex for money,

from his high school years to the niche elderly porn audience. Hardens

your body too, I guess. Now here...here's a skull that's been here for years.

HAMLET

Whose was it?

Know whose it was?

FIRST CLOWN

A whoreson mad fellow's it was: whose do you think it was?

Because his soul is so calloused from a lifetime of having sex for money,

from his high school years to the niche elderly porn audience. Hardens your

body too, I guess. Now here...here's a skull that's been here for years.

HAMLET

Nay, I know not.

Know whose it was?

FIRST CLOWN

A pestilence on him for a mad rogue! a' poured a flagon of Rhenish on my

head once. This same skull, sir, was Yorick's skull, the king's jester.

A crazy fuck, they last even longer. Who do you think it was?

HAMLET

This?

I honestly have no idea.

FIRST CLOWN

E'en that.

This guy poured an entire handle on my head once, the whacky-ass

fuck. This was Carlos, the king's stand-up in chief.

HAMLET

Let me see.

[Takes the skull]

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow

of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath

borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my

imagination it is! my gorge rims at it. Here hung those lips that I have

kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? Your gambols?

your songs? your flashes of merriment, that were wont to set the table

on a roar? Not one now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen?

Now get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, let her paint an inch thick,

to this favour she must come; make her laugh at that. Prithee, Horatio,

tell me one thing.

This skull?

FIRST COMEDIAN

That's the guy.

HAMLET

Hand that shit over! Alas, poor Carlos! I knew this guy, Horatio-- he

was the only Mexican stand-up of his time not to resort to racial humor.

A lot of imagination, that guy, and you know he invited me onstage every

time. I must have kissed the cheek of this skull a million times.

HORATIO

You kissed a Mexican stand-up as a child?

HAMLET

It felt right. Oh, Carlos, where are your hilarious but not related to being

Mexican jokes now? Those three-piece suits and that

rubber chicken? Those bizarre, exotic recipes that my mom said she loved

but actually threw out after he went home because she's xenophobic.

You don't make anyone questionable dishes now. Horatio, tell me something.

HORATIO

What's that, my lord?

Sorry, I was nodding off. What's up?

HAMLET

Dost thou think Alexander looked o' this fashion i' the earth?

Do you think this is how Jerry Seinfeld looked when he was buried?

HORATIO

E'en so.

I don't think he's dead.

HAMLET

And smelt so? pah! [Puts down the skull]

Play along, only a matter of time.

HORATIO

E'en so, my lord.

I mean, I guess he will look like that.

HAMLET

To what base uses we may return, Horatio! Why may not imagination

trace the noble dust of Alexander, till he find it stopping a bung-hole?

And smell like that too?

HORATIO

'Twere to consider too curiously, to consider so.

I mean...yeah.

HAMLET

No, faith, not a jot; but to follow him thither with modesty enough, and

likelihood to lead it: as thus: Alexander died, Alexander was buried,

Alexander returneth into dust; the dust is earth; of earth we make loam;

and why of that loam, whereto he was converted, might they not stop a

beer-barrel? Imperious Caesar, dead and turn'd to clay, might stop a hole

to keep the wind away: O, that that earth, which kept the world in awe,

should patch a wall to expel the winter flaw! But soft! but soft! aside:

here comes the king.

Damn. That means we're kind of like Jerry fucking Seinfeld, doesn't it?

HORATIO

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're overthinking it.

HAMLET

I'm not! Listen up. Seinfeld dies, Seinfeld gets thrown in the dirt-- I'm

making this analogy on the basis that this is his personal preference--

Seinfeld turns to dirt, the dirt makes mud, and some poor dude ends up

making a mud hut out of a hilarious Jewish man. Kind of awesome, but

more depressing. Wait, wait, shut up.

Enter Priest, & c. in procession; the Corpse of OPHELIA, LAERTES and

Mourners following; KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, their trains, & c.

KING CLAUDIUS enters with QUEEN GERTRUDE, LAERTES, a coffin, a

PRIEST, and other people.

HAMLET

The queen, the courtiers: who is this they follow? And with such maimed rites? This

doth betoken the corse they follow did with desperate hand fordo its own life: 'twas of

Here's the entire Denfuck entourage! Oh wait, that's a group of mourners.

Wait, that's not just your typical crowd of black, lacy motherfuckers, that's Mom and

Claud! And-- is that the French bun Laertes? Surprised they waited this long to bury

old Polly-- if they opened the coffin, they'd probably be blown over. Here, let's see

what they say about him.

HORATIO

I can see how the wardrobe could get confusing, though.

some estate. Couch we awhile, and mark.

[Retiring with HORATIO]

HAMLET and HORATIO step to the side of the stage.

LAERTES

What ceremony else?

Who's going to be speaking today?

HAMLET

That is Laertes, A very noble youth: mark.

That's the little French tourist Laertes. Good guy, terrible taste in clothes. Why is he

saying "she" about Polly?

LAERTES

Well? Am I the only one who's gonna be talking on her behalf?!

FIRST PRIEST

Her obsequies have been as far enlarged

As we have warrantise: her death was doubtful; And, but that great command o'ersways

the order, she should in ground unsanctified have lodged till the last trumpet: for charitable

prayers, shards, flints and pebbles should be thrown on her; Yet here she is allow'd her

virgin crants, her maiden strewments and the bringing home of bell and burial.

Look, I'll say all the nice things about her I'm allowed to, okay? This girl's death was

extremely fishy, and if y'all royalty weren't so fond of her I'd have tossed her in the river,

to be honest.

LAERTES

Must there no more be done?

You're an ass!

FIRST PRIEST

No more be done: We should profane the service of the dead to sing a requiem and such

rest to her as to peace-parted souls.

An ass that's the only priest in a ten-mile radius!

LAERTES

Lay her i' the earth: And from her fair and unpolluted flesh may violets spring! I tell thee,

churlish priest, a ministering angel shall my sister be, when thou liest howling.

Poor kid, she never had a chance.

Get her in the ground, there, and let's hope that she isn't speaking in tongues in the

great beyond. Oh, Ophelia.

HAMLET

What, the fair Ophelia!

Ophelia?!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Sweets to the sweet: farewell!

[Scattering flowers] I hoped thou shouldst have been my Hamlet's wife; I thought thy

bride-bed to have deck'd, sweet maid, and not have strew'd thy grave.

This seems like the appropriate thing to do. [Throws her Kindle into the coffin.]

I was hoping Hamlet would come around to your basic looks and average intelligence,

and you'd be a part of the family, This Kindle should've been a wedding present, not an unconventional thing to throw on someone's grave.

LAERTES

O, treble woe

Fall ten times treble on that cursed head,

Whose wicked deed thy most ingenious sense

Deprived thee of! Hold off the earth awhile,

Till I have caught her once more in mine arms:

[Leaps into the grave]

Now pile your dust upon the quick and dead,

Till of this flat a mountain you have made,

To o'ertop old Pelion, or the skyish head

Of blue Olympus.

Fuck whoever did this, man! I'm taking this shit personally! I've got to high five her

one more time.

[He jumps into the grave]

Put the dirt in now, assholes! We're just gonna hang out for a while!

HAMLET

[Advancing] What is he whose grief

Bears such an emphasis? whose phrase of sorrow conjures the wandering stars, and makes

them stand like wonder-wounded hearers? This is I, Hamlet the Dane.

[Leaps into the grave]

[Emerging from the shadows] No one's sadder than me about people dying, you big

showoff! I am the saddest man in Denmark, dammit! For Panic! At the Disco!

[He jumps into the grave as well.]

LAERTES

The devil take thy soul!

You have terrible taste in music!

[Grappling with him]

[They fight in the grave.]

HAMLET

Thou pray'st not well.

I prithee, take thy fingers from my throat;

For, though I am not splenitive and rash,

Yet have I something in me dangerous,

Which let thy wiseness fear: hold off thy hand.

That's no way to high five a lady! Get your hands off me, ass! I might not be

jacked like you and your mustachioed friends, but that doesn't mean I can't

kill you with a fuckin' switchblade.

KING CLAUDIUS

Pluck them asunder.

Pull them apart, someone!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Hamlet, Hamlet!

Hammy, why!

ALL

Gentlemen,--

This is an awkward funeral!

HORATIO

Please calm down, Ham, this isn't a Denfuck show!

[The Attendants part them, and they come out of the grave.]

The French dudes pull them apart and pull them from Ophelia's grave.

HAMLET

Why I will fight with him upon this theme

Until my eyelids will no longer wag.

I'll fight with him about this

Until the fucking cows come home!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

O my son, what theme?

Hammy, you're a vegetarian.

HAMLET

I loved Ophelia: forty thousand brothers

Could not, with all their quantity of love,

Make up my sum. What wilt thou do for her?

I loved Ophelia more than anyone, okay?

Remember those letters and shit?! I bought that Kindle for her.

What'd you do, Laertes?!

KING CLAUDIUS

O, he is mad, Laertes.

He's being a jerk.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

For love of God, forbear him.

Does anyone have a tranquilizer dart?

HAMLET

'Swounds, show me what thou'lt do:

Woo't weep? woo't fight? woo't fast? woo't tear thyself? Woo't drink up eisel?

eat a crocodile? I'll do't. Dost thou come here to whine? To outface me with

leaping in her grave? Be buried quick with her, and so will I:

And, if thou prate of mountains, let them throw millions of acres on us,

till our ground, singeing his pate against the burning zone,

Make Ossa like a wart! Nay, an thou'lt mouth,

I'll rant as well as thou.

No, seriously, bro, what would you do?

Would you fucking buy her a laptop?

Get her a BJ's membership? Slit your thick wrists? I'll do all that shit ten

times and still love her more than you ever will, 'cause love is a competition

to be won and not the very fiber from which humans emote from!

You fucking show up here and fling yourself into a grave to show me up?

Pussy shit. Give me something real to compete with.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

This is mere madness:

And thus awhile the fit will work on him;

Anon, as patient as the female dove,

When that her golden couplets are disclosed,

His silence will sit drooping.

This is just how he gets, Laertes, don't worry.

He'll be batshit for a couple minutes, then

Pull his shit together and act completely normal...either that, or kill someone.

HAMLET

Hear you, sir; what is the reason that you use me thus? I loved you ever:

but it is no matter; Let Hercules himself do what he may,

The cat will mew and dog will have his day.

Laertes, we used to be buds!

We used to ride those fucking idiotic Razr scooters, and you stole my

transformers. Don't you fucking remember? Ah, well, you're a jock

asshole anyway.

Exit HORATIO

HORATIO exits.

Strengthen your patience in our last night's speech; We'll put the matter to

the present push. Good Gertrude, set some watch over your son. This grave

shall have a living monument:

An hour of quiet shortly shall we see;

Till then, in patience our proceeding be.

[To LAERTES]

Remember, Laertes, we've got a lion fight to deal with before you can wring

him like you want to. Gerty! Make sure that poor sap Horatio keeps an eye

on Hamlet and turns that fucking terrible music down. We'll have them

name a holiday after Ophelia, Laerry, there'll be car sales in her honor for

years to come.

Exeunt

ALL exit.

ACT V, SCENE II. A hall in the castle.

ACT 5, SCENE 2. A huge-ass room in the castle.

Enter HAMLET and HORATIO

HAMLET and HORATIO enter.

HAMLET

So much for this, sir: now shall you see the other; You do remember all

the circumstance?

All right, enough about the hookers. I'll tell you the real good story now.

Remember what I told you?

HORATIO

Remember it, my lord?

Remember what?

HAMLET

Sir, in my heart there was a kind of fighting,

That would not let me sleep: methought I lay

Worse than the mutines in the bilboes. Rashly,

And praised be rashness for it, let us know,

Our indiscretion sometimes serves us well,

When our deep plots do pall: and that should

teach us there's a divinity that shapes our ends, rough-hew them how we will,--

I kept having these fucking crazy dreams, you know what I mean? Like, not

wet dreams because why the fuck would I tell you about those even if they

had happened, but just...general discontent.

HORATIO

That is most certain.

Not a wet dream. Got it.

HAMLET

Up from my cabin,

My sea-gown scarf'd about me, in the dark

Groped I to find out them; had my desire.

Finger'd their packet, and in fine withdrew

To mine own room again; making so bold,

My fears forgetting manners, to unseal

Their grand commission; where I found, Horatio,--

O royal knavery!--an exact command, larded

with many several sorts of reasons importing

Denmark's health and England's too,

With, ho! such bugs and goblins in my life,

That, on the supervise, no leisure bated,

No, not to stay the grinding of the axe,

My head should be struck off.

So I was looking for a midnight snack, like, some

Greek yogurt and was heading back to my room, where

I started rummaging through Rosie and Guild's knapsacks

—they were still out at the clubs. I saw the king's instructions

for them after going through a couple dirty magazines, and

there it was—shoot Hamlet full of elephant tranquilizer until

I stop moving, then gut me like a fish.

HORATIO

Is't possible?

Are you serious?!

HAMLET

Here's the commission: read it at more leisure.

But wilt thou hear me how I did proceed?

I've got the papers right here, kiddo. Know what I did about it?

HORATIO

I beseech you.

Get on with it!

HAMLET

Being thus be-netted round with villanies,--

Ere I could make a prologue to my brains,

They had begun the play--I sat me down,

Devised a new commission, wrote it fair:

I once did hold it, as our statists do,

A baseness to write fair and labour'd much

How to forget that learning, but, sir, now

It did me yeoman's service: wilt thou know

The effect of what I wrote?

So they basically had me, you know?

I barely had any time to think about it before

it had happened, but I just went on my laptop

and drew up some new instructions before they

could read the real one. I wrote a gorgeous poem

for them, too, wanna hear it?

HORATIO

Ay, good my lord.

Bring it.

HAMLET

An earnest conjuration from the king,

As England was his faithful tributary,

As love between them like the palm might flourish,

As peace should stiff her wheaten garland wear and

stand a comma 'tween their amities, and many such-like

'As'es of great charge, that, on the view and knowing

of these contents, without debatement further, more or less,

he should the bearers put to sudden death, not shriving-time

allow'd.

So now it says, "Hey, gays. I know it looks like I've sent you on

a best friend killing spree, but I really just want for you to go

on a damn exciting vacation. Hell, I would have loved to go

myself if I wasn't such an obese moron rapist, etc. etc. If the

heteros can't enjoy it, then why not you? Yours disgustingly,

Sort of King Claudius of the Despicable Clan.

P.S. Have you heard the new Denfuck track? Incredible!"

HORATIO

How was this seal'd?

How did you authenticate that?

HAMLET

Why, even in that was heaven ordinant.

I had my father's signet in my purse,

Which was the model of that Danish seal;

Folded the writ up in form of the other,

Subscribed it, gave't the impression, placed it

safely, the changeling never known. Now, the

next day was our sea-fight; and what to this

was sequent thou know'st already.

I've got that ring my dad gave me for my eighteenth

birthday with the royal crest! Fate. So I sealed the

motherfucker up with some Yankee Candle wax,

switched out the letters, and now we're back

thanks to those sailors guys.

HORATIO

So Guildenstern and Rosencrantz go to't.

So Rosie and Guild are—

HAMLET

Why, man, they did make love to this employment; they are

not near my conscience; their defeat does by their own

insinuation grow; 'Tis dangerous when the baser nature comes

Between the pass and fell incensed points

Of mighty opposites.

Completely fucked, but I don't even care anymore. I know they're

gonna say it's a hate crime, but it's more of a they-were-shitty-

People kind of thing.

Looks kind of shabby on my part, though.

HORATIO

Why, what a king is this!

Claud, that fucker!

HAMLET

Does it not, think'st thee, stand me now upon--

He that hath kill'd my king and whored my mother,popp'd in between

the election and my hopes, thrown out his angle for my proper life,

and with such cozenage--is't not perfect conscience, to quit him with

this arm? and is't not to be damn'd, to let this canker of our nature come

in further evil?

So at this point I'm pretty much calling it my fucking right to stab this

guy in the face, wouldn't you agree? On paper he looks like a Denfuck

supporter, but in real life... I'd be a bad person not to kill him now,

when you think about it.

HORATIO

It must be shortly known to him from England

What is the issue of the business there.

He'll figure out what happened in England any second now.

HAMLET

It will be short: the interim is mine;

And a man's life's no more than to say 'One.'

But I am very sorry, good Horatio,

That to Laertes I forgot myself;

For, by the image of my cause, I see

The portraiture of his: I'll court his favours.

But, sure, the bravery of his grief did put me

Into a towering passion.

I still have time on my side for a little longer. I feel bad about almost

beating the shit out of Laertes, though, when I think about it.

HORATIO

Well, you didn't really stand a chance in that one.

HAMLET

Says who?! Stop underselling me, asshole, I—Wait, who's that?

HORATIO

Peace! who comes here?

Enter OSRIC

OTIS, some guy, enters wearing a fedora.

OSRIC

Your lordship is right welcome back to Denmark.

Welcome back to Denmark, Prince Hamlet!

HAMLET

I humbly thank you, sir. Dost know this water-fly?

Thanks, man. [To Horatio] Who's this fucking poser?

HORATIO

No, my good lord.

Never seen him before. Guild's boyfriend?

HAMLET

Thy state is the more gracious; for 'tis a vice to know him. He hath

much land, and fertile: let a beast be lord of beasts, and his crib

shall stand at the king's mess: 'tis a chough; but, as I say, spacious

in the possession of dirt.

[To Horatio] No, no, no. You're lucky you don't know this guy,

Horatio, because I do. He's the fucking pimp who sluts out half

the elementary schools in the district, but he's rich so we gotta be

nice to him. He's been to a few shows.

OSRIC

Sweet lord, if your lordship were at leisure, I

should impart a thing to you from his majesty.

Claud sent along a message for you, little buddy. Also, are you in

the market for—

HAMLET

I will receive it, sir, with all diligence of spirit. Put your bonnet to his

right use; 'tis for the head.

Not tonight, Otis, I've got other fish to fry.

OSRIC

I thank your lordship, it is very hot.

I'm saying, if you want your fish fried, I've got just the thing, I swear.

HAMLET

No, believe me, 'tis very cold; the wind is

northerly.

It's cold, you old bag, put your feminine hat back on.

OSRIC

It is indifferent cold, my lord, indeed.

It's cold, but leave my hat taste out of it!

HAMLET

But yet methinks it is very sultry and hot for my complexion.

Actually, it feels a little hot. I burn easy. Emo.

OSRIC

Exceedingly, my lord; it is very sultry,--as

'twere,--I cannot tell how. But, my lord, his

majesty bade me signify to you that he has laid

a great wager on your head: sir, this is the matter,--

Okay, okay, it's hot. Whatever you say. Listen, I'm

just gonna go ahead and tell you what the king said.

He said he's put all his money on you for the competition

coming up.

HAMLET

I beseech you, remember--

I'm sorry, your gay hat is distracting me.

HAMLET moves him to put on his hat

HAMLET motions for him to put his hat on.

OSRIC

Nay, good my lord; for mine ease, in good faith. Sir, here is

newly come to court Laertes; believe me, an absolute gentleman,

full of most excellent differences, of very soft society and great

showing: indeed, to speak feelingly of him, he is the card or

calendar of gentry, for you shall find in him the continent of

what part a gentleman would see.

Will you leave me alone about the fucking hat?!

Laertes is back from France—a swell guy, completely ripped,

and a damn good customer—he's a perfect gentleman to the

ladies, you know.

HAMLET

Sir, his definement suffers no perdition in you; though, I know,

to divide him inventorially would dizzy the arithmetic of memory,

and yet but yaw neither, in respect of his quick sail. But, in the

verity of extolment, I take him to be a soul of great article; and

his infusion of such dearth and rareness, as, to make true diction

of him, his semblable is his mirror; and who else would trace him,

his umbrage, nothing more.

Yeah, how noble of him, great. He's a good guy, but I'm not

gonna be an ass and list 'em. He and I aren't on the best of terms,

but damn. No one has the muscles, the pussy, or the brawn to deal

with him. Must be a tough life dealing with little shits like me.

OSRIC

Your lordship speaks most infallibly of him.

I don't doubt it.

HAMLET

The concernancy, sir? why do we wrap the gentleman in our more

rawer breath?

So now that we've established all that nice stuff...why are we

talking about him again?

OSRIC

Sir?

Because we love him?

HORATIO

Is't not possible to understand in another tongue? You will do't, sir, really.

[Speaking to HAMLET] Can you take it easy on this guy?

HAMLET

What imports the nomination of this gentleman?

[to OTIS] Can you be a little more concise?

OSRIC

Of Laertes?

What, you mean Laertes?

HORATIO

His purse is empty already; all's golden words are spent.

[to HORATIO] Okay, he's out of hooker talk, now we'll actually learn

something.

HAMLET

Of him, sir.

Yes, that's the guy.

OSRIC

I know you are not ignorant--

I know you know a few things—

HAMLET

I would you did, sir; yet, in faith, if you did, it

would not much approve me. Well, sir?

Well, at least you're not as stupid as you look, but it's still

significantly stupider than your hookers.

OSRIC

You are not ignorant of what excellence Laertes is--

So now that I know you're pro-Laertes—and he is a great guy—

HAMLET

I dare not confess that, lest I should compare with him in excellence;

but, to know a man well, were to know himself.

Otis, I think you should get to know me better. If you like Laertes,

you're going to be fucking blown away by me. I'm a fucking

fantastic guy.

OSRIC

I mean, sir, for his weapon; but in the imputation laid on him by

them, in his meed he's unfellowed.

Word is Laertes is excellent in lion-taming. No one in France

dared challenge him.

HAMLET

What's his weapon?

How does he tame it?

OSRIC

Rapier and dagger.

A whip, a knife, and an enticing dance.

HAMLET

That's two of his weapons: but, well.

There's gotta be more to it than that.

OSRIC

The king, sir, hath wagered with him six Barbary horses:

against the which he has imponed, as I take it, six French

rapiers and poniards, with their assigns, as girdle, hangers,

and so: three of the carriages, in faith, are very dear to fancy,

very responsive to the hilts, most delicate carriages, and of

very liberal conceit.

The king's bet his entire Joe DiMaggio card set, a bunch

of vintage Spiderman issues signed by Stand himself, and an

entire stable of Mustangs.

HAMLET

What call you the carriages?

What kind of Mustang?

HORATIO

I knew you must be edified by the margent ere you had done.

OTIS

Irrelevant.

HAMLET

I'm partial to those black Jeeps.

OSRIC

The carriages, sir, are the hangers.

He's bet a lot on you, Hammy, it's lot like we're throwing around

Ford Focuses here.

HAMLET

The phrase would be more german to the matter, if we could carry

cannon by our sides: I would it might be hangers till then. But, on:

six Barbary horses against six French swords, their assigns, and

three liberal-conceited carriages.

So you're saying they're horses, not cars.

OSRIC

The king, sir, hath laid, that in a dozen passes

between yourself and him, he shall not exceed

you three hits: he hath laid on twelve for nine;

and it would come to immediate trial, if your

lordship would vouchsafe the answer.

Or ponies! That was merely an analogy. He's

bet you won't get snapped at by your lion more

than three times. You in? that's the French bet

against the Danish. Why is this 'imponed,' as you call it?

HORATIO

This lapwing runs away with the shell on his head.

HAMLET

How if I answer 'no'?

What if I say fuck it?

OSRIC

I mean, my lord, the opposition of your person in trial.

I mean, do you want to tame lions with Laertes?

HAMLET

Sir, I will walk here in the hall: if it please his

majesty, 'tis the breathing time of day with me; let the foils

be brought, the gentleman willing, and the king hold his

purpose, I will win for him an I can; if not, I will gain

nothing but my shame and the odd hits.

Look, Pats, I'd love to stand the fuck around and chat

with you, but it's almost time for my yoga class. Bring

in the lions, I'd be honored to win the king either more

horses or cars. If not, same to me.

OSRIC

Shall I re-deliver you e'en so?

Want me to pass the info along?

HAMLET

To this effect, sir; after what flourish your nature will.

Let them know, and try not to suck laertes' dick on your

way down.

OSRIC

I commend my duty to your lordship.

All right, I've got you.

HAMLET

Yours, yours.

Get the fuck out.

Exit OSRIC

OTIS exits.

He does well to commend it himself; there are no tongues else for's turn.

It's a good thing he's here to talk about himself, because no one else

fucking wants to.

HAMLET

He did comply with his dug, before he sucked it. Thus has he--and many

more of the same bevy that I know the dressy age dotes on--

only got the tune of the time and outward habit of encounter; a kind of yesty

collection, which carries them through and through the most fond and

winnowed opinions; and do but blow them to their trial, the bubbles are out.

HORATIO

He's a crazy one, for sure.

HAMLET

He used to give his mom's titty a good review before he took a drink.

Typical of a pimp who's not strong enough to throw a good punch—

he reels you in with words, then fucks you over. No substance, just

whores. Not that that's ever been a bad thing.

Enter a LORD.

A GUY enters.

LORD

My lord, his majesty commended him to you by young Osric, who brings

back to him that you attend him in the hall: he sends to know if your

pleasure hold to play with Laertes, or that you will take longer time.

Hammy, Otis just told me about the lion taming!

HAMLET

I am constant to my purpose; they follow the king's pleasure: if his

fitness speaks, mine is ready; now or whensoever, provided I be so able

as now.

Do I know you?

LORD

The king and queen and all are coming down.

The king wants you to get there right away.

HAMLET

In happy time.

I can see he doesn't have my number.

LORD

The queen desires you to use some gentle

entertainment to Laertes before you fall to play.

He and Queen Gertrude are on their way.

HAMLET

She well instructs me.

Do they manage the country ever?!

GUY

The queen wants you to shake Laertes's hand like a

good boy before the lions are let out.

Exit LORD.

The GUY exits.

HORATIO

You will lose this wager, my lord.

Do I need to point out that you're going to lose this bet?

HAMLET

I do not think so: since he went into France, I

have been in continual practise: I shall win at the odds.

But thou wouldst not think how ill

all's here about my heart: but it is no matter.

No, I've totally got this. You don't know that I've been a

Danish Olympian, that I've made out with your sister,

or that I've been sharpening my lion-taming skills for months.

HORATIO

Nay, my good lord--

Wait, for real?

HAMLET

It is but foolery; but it is such a kind of

gain-giving, as would perhaps trouble a woman.

Save your breath, I know it's a shit idea. But I'm doing it.

HORATIO

If your mind dislike any thing, obey it: I will

forestall their repair hither, and say you are not fit.

Hammy, if you're hacing the slightest doubt then I say

phone it in. I'll say your little herps problem flared up again.

HAMLET

Not a whit, we defy augury: there's a special

providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come;

if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come:

the readiness is all: since no man has aught of what he leaves,

what is't to leave betimes?

Oh great, you thought of the one thing that's more embarrassing to

say than "I'm afraid of a fucking lion". Horatio, I've got nothing to lose,

and I think it'll turn out like it's supposed to be. If I'm not gonna die today,

I'm probably doomed to die from our rival band, the Swedish Death Warrant,

at least some time this year. Get me my whip.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, LAERTES, Lords, OSRIC,

and Attendants with foils, & c

KING CLAUDIUS enters with QUEEN GERTRUDE, LAERTES, OTIS,

some other guys. The guys bring in some chairs, food, and two gigantic LIONS.

KING CLAUDIUS

Come, Hamlet, come, and take this hand from me.

Come on, Hammy, shake hands with your clearly superior opponent.

KING CLAUDIUS puts LAERTES' hand into HAMLET's

[KING CLAUDIUS puts HAMLET's hand to LAERTES's.]

HAMLET

Give me your pardon, sir: I've done you wrong; But pardon't, as you are

a gentleman. This presence knows, and you must needs have heard,

how I am punish'd with sore distraction. What I have done,

That might your nature, honour and exception

Roughly awake, I here proclaim was madness.

Was't Hamlet wrong'd Laertes? Never Hamlet: if Hamlet from himself be

ta'en away, and when he's not himself does wrong Laertes, then Hamlet

does it not, Hamlet denies it. Who does it, then? His madness: if't be so,

Hamlet is of the faction that is wrong'd;

His madness is poor Hamlet's enemy.

Sir, in this audience, let my disclaiming from a purposed evil free me so

far in your most generous thoughts, that I have shot mine arrow o'er the

house, and hurt my brother.

[to LAERTES] Laertes, dude. You're looking good. The only reason I

was such an ass was...did you hear I'm fucking crazy?

LAERTES

Yeah.

HAMLET

Well, there you have it, man, that's the thing. It was just muh crazy flaring

up again and saying nutty things. We're fighting the same villains, my friend,

and that's bad music and my friend, and that's bad music and Hamlet's crazy.

The real Hamlet would love to bro out with you, but both of these villains are

gonna get in the way.

LAERTES

I am satisfied in nature,

Whose motive, in this case, should stir me most to my revenge: but in my terms

of honour I stand aloof; and will no reconcilement, Till by some elder masters,

of known honour,I have a voice and precedent of peace, to keep my name ungored.

But till that time, I do receive your offer'd love like love,

And will not wrong it.

Okay, okay, I get it. Can someone bring out the lions? I don't feel like forging an

apology right now.

HAMLET

I embrace it freely;

And will this brother's wager frankly play.

Give us the foils. Come on.

I'm going to take that as an "all's well"! Bring on the lions!

LAERTES

Come, one for me.

I get the smaller one.

HAMLET

I'll be your foil, Laertes: in mine ignorance Your skill shall, like a star i' the darkest

night, Stick fiery off indeed.

Good call, Laertes, you are gonna put my crazy ass to shame. Do you wanna

grab beers afterward?

LAERTES

You mock me, sir.

I'm not saying I couldn't handle the bigger lion.

HAMLET

No, by this hand.

No, no, I would never imply that. Dubstep fan.

KING CLAUDIUS

Give them the foils, young Osric. Cousin Hamlet, you know the wager?

All right, Otis, cue the whores! Hamlet, you know what's at stake here?

HAMLET

Very well, my lord your grace hath laid the odds o' the weaker side.

A night otherwise spent bored or murdering someone?

KING CLAUDIUS

I do not fear it; I have seen you both:

But since he is better'd, we have therefore odds.

Yeah, close enough. I've seen both of you tame lions in the past, and since

Laertes is a little better, we gave him a handicap. We've starved his lion for two days.

LAERTES

This is too heavy, let me see another.

Wait, what?!

HAMLET

This likes me well. These foils have all a

length?

OTIS leads two lions in.

HAMLET

Oh, mine's a cutie.

OTIS

The cutest!!

They prepare to play

HAMLET and LAERTES get ready to tame.

KING CLAUDIUS

Set me the stoops of wine upon that table.

If Hamlet give the first or second hit,

Or quit in answer of the third exchange,

Let all the battlements their ordnance fire:

The king shall drink to Hamlet's better breath;

And in the cup an union shall he throw,

Richer than that which four successive kings

In Denmark's crown have worn. Give me the cups;

And let the kettle to the trumpet speak,

The trumpet to the cannoneer without,

The cannons to the heavens, the heavens to earth,

'Now the king dunks to Hamlet.' Come, begin:

and you, the judges, bear a wary eye.

Put the beers beers beers on the table over there, pong style.

If Hamlet gets te first snap from a lion, we'll all take shots

and toss a pong ball. We'll celebrate his victory with the

Danish breakdancing troop!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

You really find any excuse for a breakdance team,

don't you?

KING CLAUDIUS

Cue the music!

Dubstep music begins to play.

HAMLET

Come on, sir.

I'm feelin' good tonight, baby!

LAERTES

Come, my lord.

This is incredibly distracting!

They play

They start to tame. HAMLET'S lion starts to purr-- LAERTES's snaps.

HAMLET

One.

That's a point for me!

LAERTES

No.

Was not!

HAMLET

Judgment.

Call it, pimp!

OSRIC

A hit, a very palpable hit.

Your lion snapped, Laertes!

LAERTES

Well; again.

Fuck you!

KING CLAUDIUS

Stay; give me drink. Hamlet, this pearl is thine; here's to thy health.

Trumpets sound, and cannon shot off within

Hand me a shot glass-- this one's for you, Hammy!

Give him the cup.

Dubstep music gets louder. KING CLAUDIUS holds out a shot glass.

Take this one, son!

HAMLET

I'll play this bout first; set it by awhile. Come.

I'm not going to drink on the job, you fucker! Let's keep going.

They play

Dubstep music gets louder. KING CLAUDIUS holds out a shot glass.

Another hit; what say you?

Take this one, son!

HAMLET

I'm not going to drink on the job, you fucker! Let's keep going.

HAMLET and LAERTES keep taming.

Yours growled again!

LAERTES

A touch, a touch, I do confess.

I'll you that one. He's starving.

KING CLAUDIUS

Our son shall win.

HAMLET'S LION

Well, I am just enchanted by this little cutie! Hamlet, you're so damn

charming.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

He's fat, and scant of breath.

Here, Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows;

The queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet.

Come here, Hammy, you look exhausted! This shot's for you, baby boo--

HAMLET

Good madam!

Aww, Ma!

QUEEN GERTRUDE lifts the shot glass intended for HAMLET.

QUEEN GERTRUDE

I will, my lord; I pray you, pardon me.

KING CLAUDIUS

Don't pound that shot, Gerty!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

I do what I want! [She drinks it.]

KING CLAUDIUS

[Aside] It is the poison'd cup: it is too late.

[Aside] I put battery acid in that shit!

HAMLET

I dare not drink yet, madam; by and by.

I'll drink when this lion's satiated, okay?

QUEEN GERTRUDE

Come, let me wipe thy face.

Let me toss you some deodorant, honey.

LAERTES

My lord, I'll hit him now.

I'll get him now.

KING CLAUDIUS

I do not think't.

No, no, not yet!

LAERTES

[Aside] And yet 'tis almost 'gainst my conscience.

Damn, I almost feel bad about it now.

HAMLET

Come, for the third, Laertes: you but dally;

I pray you, pass with your best violence;

I am afeard you make a wanton of me.

All right, Laerry, one more point and you're beat.

Put in a little effort, will you? Hell, my lion's falling

in love with me.

HAMLET'S LION

Ain't it the truth, ain't it the truth!

LAERTES

Say you so? come on.

Let's do this!

They play

HAMLET and LAERTES keep taming.

OSRIC

Nothing, neither way.

Laerry's lion is starting to obey him...

LAERTES

Have at you now!

I'll take you out to dinner, I'll do anything!

LAERTES wounds HAMLET; then in scuffling, they change

rapiers, and HAMLET wounds LAERTES

LAERTES turns to HAMLET and tries to stab him with the

dagger. He only hits the shoulder.

HAMLET

The lions were seriously a decoy?! Truman, attack!

HAMLET'S LION

Well if you insist, you sly dog, you!

HAMLET'S LION chomps LAERTES' leg.

KING CLAUDIUS

Part them; they are incensed.

We probably should have done feral cat taming.

HAMLET

Nay, come, again.

QUEEN GERTRUDE falls

QUEEN GERTRUDE collapses.

OSRIC

Look to the queen there, ho!

Someone get a doctor!

HORATIO

They bleed on both sides. How is it, my lord?

Both of the lion tamers have mortal wounds, in case no one's noticed.

OSRIC

How is't, Laertes?

Are you okay, Laerry?

LAERTES

Why, as a woodcock to mine own springe, Osric;

I am justly kill'd with mine own treachery.

I'VE BEEN CHOMPED BY A LION SO NO.

HAMLET

How does the queen?

What's happening?! Is Ma okay?!

KING CLAUDIUS

She swounds to see them bleed.

She's sensitive to animal violence! You know how she cries during

those commercials!

QUEEN GERTRUDE

No, no, the drink, the drink,--O my dear Hamlet,-- The drink, the drink!

I am poison'd..[Dies]

No, you fat fucking liar! The shot, it was the shot! I am poisoned, battery

acid style. [She DIES. SERIOUSLY.]

HAMLET

O villany! Ho! let the door be lock'd:

Treachery! Seek it out.

Lock the door, we're settling this here and now!

OTIS exits.

I'm starting to think no one has faith in me as a lion tamer at all!

HAMLET'S LION

I do, baby!

LAERTES

It is here, Hamlet: Hamlet, thou art slain;

No medicine in the world can do thee good;

In thee there is not half an hour of life;

The treacherous instrument is in thy hand,

Unbated and envenom'd: the foul practise

Hath turn'd itself on me lo, here I lie,

Never to rise again: thy mother's poison'd:

I can no more: the king, the king's to blame.

It was me, Hammy! You're as good as dead, bro--

the knife I stabbed you with was dipped in poison.

HAMLET

The point!--envenom'd too!

Then, venom, to thy work.

Do you guys have a common poison dealer or something?!

LAERTES

Claud and I know the same guy. Gerty's done, I've been

chomped, and you've got only minutes to live. Any guess

as to who's responsible?

HAMLET

Wait...the pimp?

LAERTES

The king, you fucking moron!

HAMLET

Oh, hell no. Truman!

HAMLET'S LION

Say no more, my skinny lil' prince!

Stabs KING CLAUDIUS

HAMLET'S LION chomps the king in fucking half.

ALL

Treason! treason!

KING CLAUDIUS

O, yet defend me, friends; I am but hurt.

Anyone have tape?

HAMLET

Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dane,

Drink off this potion. Is thy union here?

Follow my mother.

Well, I would have preferred to do it myself, but this works.

Follow your bitty into the dust, you evil asshole!

KING CLAUDIUS dies

HAMLET forces KING CLAUDIUS to drink the poisoned shot.

LAERTES

He is justly served;

It is a poison temper'd by himself.

Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet:

Mine and my father's death come not upon thee,

Nor thine on me. [Dies]

That bastard got his! We leaked those batteries ourselves this morning.

LAERTES

You're cool in my book, Hammy. Let's leave dead dads and bad puns in

the past, huh? [He DIES.]

HAMLET'S LION

It was the purrfect crime!

HAMLET

Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee.

I am dead, Horatio. Wretched queen, adieu!

You that look pale and tremble at this chance,

That are but mutes or audience to this act,

Had I but time--as this fell sergeant, death,

Is strict in his arrest--O, I could tell you--

But let it be. Horatio, I am dead;

Thou livest; report me and my cause aright

To the unsatisfied.

Fuck, I'm the next logical character to die.

Kill yourself Horatio!

HORATIO

Never believe it:

I am more an antique Roman than a Dane:

Here's yet some liquor left.

I'm staying out of this.

HAMLET

As thou'rt a man,

Give me the cup: let go; by heaven, I'll have't.

O good Horatio, what a wounded name,

Things standing thus unknown, shall live behind me!

If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart absent thee

from felicity awhile, and in this harsh world draw thy

breath in pain, to tell my story.

Oh yeah, and thanks for defending me against these jerks.

The audience probably forgot you were even here.

What were you doing?

March afar off, and shot within

SOLDIERS are heard offstage.

What warlike noise is this?

Yo, are those some soldiers offstage?

OTIS enters.

OSRIC

Young Fortinbras, with conquest come from Poland, To the

ambassadors of England gives this warlike volley.

It's the awesome kid with the craaaazy name!

HAMLET

O, I die, Horatio;

The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit:

I cannot live to hear the news from England;

But I do prophesy the election lights

On Fortinbras: he has my dying voice;

So tell him, with the occurrents, more and less, which have solicited.

The rest is silence.

FORTINBRAS! Oh my God! [Laughs.] Didn't think I'd have such

a reason to laugh before dying. That guy's a good one, I'd let him be

the king of Denmark.

HORATIO

You're aware he's...Norwegian, right?

HAMLET

Yeah, so what?

HORATIO

I mean...I'm Danish. We've known each other from birth, and you

haven't even met this Fort Tin guy before.

HAMLET

So?

HORATIO

I mean, I could always--

HAMLET

Fortinbras is king, I'm dead, bye!

[Dies]

[He DIES.]

HORATIO

Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince: And flights of angels

sing thee to thy rest! Why does the drum come hither?

Well, you were a shitty singer anyways! Fuck, seriously?

March within . Enter FORTINBRAS, the English Ambassadors, and others

FORTINBRAS and an AMBASSADOR enter with some SOLDIERS.

PRINCE FORTINBRAS

Where is this sight?

Looks like it was a good party.

HAMLET'S LION

You have no idea, baby.

FORTINBRAS

Looks like everyone didn't make it out, though. Blackouts?

HAMLET'S LION

On a permanent basis.

AMBASSADOR

Are there any drinks left? Oh, and did you guys hear about that drag queen

dumpster explosion over on Route 25?

HORATIO

Wait, are you saying--

AMBASSADOR

Yeah, those Danish queens Rosie and Guild went down in it.

HORATIO

Damn. I don't have better news. Do you guys follow me on Twitter?

FORTINBRAS

Yeah, I don't really do social media.

HORATIO

What is it ye would see?

If aught of woe or wonder, cease your search.

Well, I'm not going to fucking repeat myself, so check out @denfuckhoratiwhore

if you wanna know what happened.

PRINCE FORTINBRAS

This quarry cries on havoc. O proud death,

What feast is toward in thine eternal cell,

That thou so many princes at a shot

So bloodily hast struck?

Well, I won't.

FIRST AMBASSADOR

The sight is dismal;

And our affairs from England come too late:

The ears are senseless that should give us hearing,

to tell him his commandment is fulfill'd, that Rosencrantz

and Guildenstern are dead: Where should we have our thanks?

Well, you're king of your not-country now.

FORTINBRAS

Whoa, seriously?

HORATIO

Not from his mouth,

Had it the ability of life to thank you:

He never gave commandment for their death.

But since, so jump upon this bloody question,

You from the Polack wars, and you from England, are here

arrived give order that these bodies high on a stage be placed

to the view; And let me speak to the yet unknowing world

How these things came about: so shall you hear of carnal,

bloody, and unnatural acts,

Of accidental judgments, casual slaughters,

Of deaths put on by cunning and forced cause,

And, in this upshot, purposes mistook

Fall'n on the inventors' reads: all this can I

Truly deliver.

Look, I'm not stoked about it.

FORTINBRAS

Lion, what's your story?

HAMLET'S LION

I came for the party, and the skinny one over there is eating

the bodily remains of the royal family! Scandalous!

FORTINBRAS

[gestures to HORATIO] In the mood for another snack?

HAMLET'S LION

You know me, baby!

PRINCE FORTINBRAS

Let us haste to hear it,

And call the noblest to the audience.

For me, with sorrow I embrace my fortune:

I have some rights of memory in this kingdom,

Which now to claim my vantage doth invite me.

HORATIO

Of that I shall have also cause to speak,

And from his mouth whose voice will draw on more;

But let this same be presently perform'd, even while

men's minds are wild; lest more mischance on plots

and errors, happen.

[Fumbles with his phone] I just gotta send this last tweet--

HAMLET'S LION

Too late!

HAMLET'S LION swallows HORATIO whole.

HAMLET'S LION

All right, now I'm good to party!

PRINCE FORTINBRAS

Let four captains

Bear Hamlet, like a soldier, to the stage;

For he was likely, had he been put on,

To have proved most royally: and, for his passage, the

soldiers' music and the rites of war speak loudly for him.

Take up the bodies: such a sight as this

Becomes the field, but here shows much amiss.

Go, bid the soldiers shoot.

Let's burn this motherfucker to the ground!

A dead march. Exeunt, bearing off the dead bodies; after

which a peal of ordnance is shot off.

Dubstep plays! HAMLET'S LION continues to eat the

Danish royal family as soldiers dance.

FIN

William Shakespeare was born in Stratford-upon-Avon, wrote a bunch of allegedly well-received plays, and passed away shortly after (speaking in cosmic terms).

Robin Qwerty never thought he would put his Shakespearean knowledge to such impractical use. Beginning as a Shakespearean actor in the London area as a teenager, he played Hamlet himself in a Royal Shakespeare production in the late 1990's and went on to be a professor and scholar on the great master's work at Oxford University. Today he can be found listening to old Ramones records, playing with his young son Dromio, and visiting his extended family in Calgary.

