 
Copyright © 2015 by Joseph P. Badame

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LIFE'S LITTLE BOOK FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

A few Suggestions to Help Guide you through

the Most Wonderful Times of Your Lives

Written by

Joseph P. Badame

Smashwords Edition

Second Edition

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Book design

Joseph P. Badame

Your woman,

Your soul mate,

Your love,

Your bride

"Among the many loving things a man can do for his woman,

his soul mate, his love, his bride are these four:

To love her passionately and unconditionally;

To inspire and rejoice in her happiness;

To suffer with her by her side during her trials;

To honor her by writing adoringly about her when she is gone

God has gifted me the privilege to have done all four.

I have accomplished all that is of any importance in my life.

Lord, my work is complete.

I am ready to join her when You call."

Joseph P. Badame

2015

Phyliss and Joseph Badame

Oh, so many years ago

Lovingly dedicated to Phyliss

A Master Teacher all her life –

still teaching after she is gone

Table of Contents

Preface

Chapter One: Passionate Love

Chapter Two: The Wise Words

Chapter Three: Team Work

Chapter Four: The Differences of the Sexes

Chapter Five: The Sixty / Forty Rule

Chapter Six: Life's Priorities, Loyalties, and Allegencies

Chapter Seven: Living Together

Chapter Eight: Achieving Compatibility in Intimacy

Chapter Nine: The Marital Danger Signs

Chapter Ten: Marriage Ship on the Rocks

Chapter Eleven: Run like Hell

Chapter Twelve: The Enemies of Marriage, yes, Enemies

Chapter Thirteen: A Little Levity

Chapter Fourteen: Some Final Thoughts

Chapter Fifteen: Epilog

The Bet of a Lifetime

What a Wonderful World it would be

Books Published by Joseph Badame

LIFE'S LITTLE BOOK FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

A few Suggestions to Help Guide you through

the Most Wonderful Times of Your Lives

Preface:

Here is a little note before you start reading. I have no way to know the gender of who is reading this book. I believe, however, that it is more likely you are a female. But, regardless, if you read this book, and you say to yourself, "Wow, that's really what I want my marriage to be about," then your pursuit of a happy marriage is only half complete. Your partner must now download the book and read it as thoroughly as you did. You must discuss what you read, agree or disagree, or compromise on some middle ground. If your partner does not want to read the book, disagrees intensely, or does not want to compromise, you folks have a problem, a husky problem. Fix it or move on – better now, before the kids arrive or worse yet when they are three, four, and six. Cutting a Honda in half is a difficult task and it doesn't run well after you do it.

Keep the book in your "Smashwords library" for when the next guy comes along. Maybe you need to ask him to download it and read it before your first date. Really, that would save a lot of grief. After reading it, he will either come to your house and get down on one knee and propose on the spot to his dream wife, or he will never call again. Either way you saved a bucket of time. It is like using the book as a prequalification for dating. They do that in racing all the time. Consider your pursuit as a race against your biological clock. Use it to separate the wheat from the chaff.

I am being a touch goofy now, but you get the message. Save yourself a lot of time and heartache. Find out who this guy is and what his intentions are right up front. Life is too short to do it twice, or three times . . . or, oh my.

OK, now, let's get down to work. The first question that enters one's mind before embarking on a "helpful" book about a monumental subject is, "Who should read this book and find it helpful?" So, let's answer that question "straightaway" as the British might say. If marriage means to you and your partner forming a mutual and inseparable bond of love and devotion for a lifetime, then this book is for you. Continue reading without fear or trepidation.

If marriage for you and your partner is some superficial or casual association that is a trivial trial, a test to see how things "work out," "a toe in the water," then this book is not for you. It will be a waste. Since the book was free, and you spent less than a minute reading these few sentences, then you really haven't lost anything. Click on the file name and press delete. Enjoy your next book.

Those of you, who remain may want to continue reading until you find that it is not useful for you to continue either for some other reason. I wish for you to enjoy your next book as well. But, if you believe that it may help you in your union with your love, then I will be so pleased that you persevere and continue.

Phyliss would have been so pleased if she were here, for if there is any wisdom contained in these pages, it all originated from her marvelous mind and generosity. If this little book does prove to be helpful to you and your partner, please thank her, not me, for I am her creation.

A word about religion: I see some eyes beginning to roll out there and there are some, again, with their finger on that terrible delete button. I am starting to think, "Is anybody going to read this book?" But don't go yet. Bear with me, my dears.

After eleven captivating years, Phyliss and I joined in holy matrimony for forty-five more wonderful years. To us, marriage was a sacred bond, a sacrament, bestowed upon us by our Lord, Jesus, in the Roman Catholic Church. That was our belief and our guide to the end. See the short story," Our Marriage in Saint Peter's Basilica," if it interests you. Still, with me? Good!

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/491930

The advice here has nothing to do with religion if you don't want it to be. It has to do with good people who have found each other and may want to spend their lives together. It has to do with a contract, a bond, and an agreement between two serious consenting adults of principle who promise to dedicate themselves to each other for the rest of their lives. That promise affects you enormously, but it also has a profound effect on those around you that you care about, those, in turn, who care about you, and potentially even those who do not even exist yet.

Contrary to the thinking of the day,

Your union is not just about you.

So, you see, your marriage promise is not merely made to each other, but to all those others as well. Whether your commitment is sacred or it is not, that shall be your decision and yours alone. But, regardless, your affirmation should be serious and solemn for the good of everyone. The longevity of your union is of benefit to all with whom you associate, including society at large. You probably have some idea what I think of the television show, "Marriage at first sight." Reread this paragraph and give some thought to what you think of it. It is a mockery of the institution of marriage. I will address that more a little later.

So give your union the attention and deliberation that it deserves. Sacred or solemn, this decision is beyond my purview to contemplate. Make it serious, make it earnest, make it devoted and loving, and make it permanent. That is all I am humbly suggesting. The rest is up to the two of you. There are only two of you, aren't there? Two is complicated enough, folks. No more "deletes" are allowed past this point, please. You're stuck. I now control your reading device.

Finding your soul mate to marry can be very difficult.

Getting married to your soul mate can be equally difficult.

Being married to your soul mate can sometimes challenge your soul.

Those are the easy parts. Now comes the tough part.

Staying happily married to your soul mate for life and honoring your vows can be near impossible. Unless . . .

After getting through the first three stages of the successful pursuit of blissful marriage, the question is, "What is the secret to lasting through the "staying happily married" part of matrimony for the rest of your lives?"

Just as you are unique individuals apart, together you become an equally unique couple. You are a couple with individual personalities that when brought together form an exceptional chemistry that exists no where else on Earth except within the confines of your unique bond. There is no other like yours.

The description of your chemistry is not found in a book or on some web site or contained in a compatibility study. It is not found on the internet. It is not found in a counselor's office or on his couch. It is not found residing the mind and advice of a trusted friend or family member. So it is futile for you to search in these places for that extraordinary description.

There is one source that will define and allow your chemistry to stay alive and support the two of you for always. Don't waste your time looking for that secret outside your enchanted bubble. The prescription for a long, prosperous, and happy marriage resides only within you and your beloved companion. She is beloved, is she not?

Because you are a particularly singular couple, it is easy to assume that there are no common threads to hold you and many other couples together in happiness. But there are. I will attempt to address as many as I can in the following pages.

Chapter one: Passionate Love

The secret to a long and healthy marriage is possessing unwavering, selfless, passionate, unconditional love and devotion for each other. Only by having these traits will you stay together and avoid disasters. Those are profound words but they are just that, words. Actions have a much louder voice. While executing these loving actions, it is not essential to enjoy the same people, things, activities, or places.

If each of you loves the other more than you love yourself, then that is all that is necessary. All other things should be made superficial and secondary. They are not permanent. They come and they go like the changing seasons. They are dispersed by the wind and washed away by the rain only to be replaced by something or someone else, maybe more important, but usually much less important.

Sometimes you change these circumstances swirling around you. Often times they are changed by you voluntarily, or involuntarily, by finances, circumstance, time, disability, or individual preferences.

These magnets that seem to initially attract you and hold you together are rarely permanent. Sometimes they are helpful, especially in the beginning of your love, but they are akin to building a house on sand. They are not suitable on which to build your lives. When the sands shift or are washed away, the house crumbles and is washed away with it. These perfunctory crutches are not satisfactory devices on which you should build an association to last a lifetime.

Constant, unconditional love is the only engine that will transport you both to the end of your journey – no obstacles, no detours, no breakdowns, no surprises, and no hesitations should stand in your way.

There is no substitute for unconditional love and devotion and without them your marriage is destined to fail or, equally as tragic, to be so much less than it could have been.

The attraction should be to each other not some thing or some activity or some group or other commonality. If you love each other you will share everything, regardless of its nature, for the joy of being together in each other's company. Your attraction should be her and her attraction should be you. There is no one and nothing else in the world. It is as simple as that. You should be equal and exclusive partners to survive the bumps in the road that life will surely present you.

You see, if things, activities, persons, or common interests are your bond, then what happens when you tire of these interests or you are no longer capable or desirous of participating in them? The bond breaks with the disappearance of the commonality. The feelings that you have for each other must be the bond, not something external. The external elements make life more enjoyable, they fulfill, they enhance, but they are not the rock on which to build your union.

Please remember my comment on religious belief and involvement. If you believe in a higher power, do make that your focus in your love. It will strengthen it. If you do not, that is your prerogative and yours alone. It is not my purpose to convince you, one way or another. I am deeply convinced that the belief should be mutual. I aspire for your marriage to be all that it can be pursuant to your vows to each other and for your good and the good of all those around you. That's all I wish.

Saying you need time away from each other, to think, or to recharge is like saying you need time away from your right hand. I know it is a strange analogy, but it is very illustrative. It is part of your body and your being, your constant companion. It is there when you need it. When the need is not so great, it remains with you, quietly by your side ready to comfort, help and serve in an instant. It never lets you down. And, if you should loose it, you would be devastated. Your spouse must be your friend, your companion, your confidant, your lover, your partner, your everything, by your side always, waiting to willingly serve - your right hand.

I have compiled these suggestions for those of you who have managed to make it through the "finding, getting, and being" married stages and are now looking for guidance on how to stay happily married for life. At times I may wander into the other three stages when it seems appropriate or useful.

I am so pleased that the two of you have found each other and found this book. I would be so joyful if your unification with the help of some of the suggestions in the book gets you to the finish line of a happy marriage. I hope that your love will enrich and that you can grow old together in contentment and with a feeling of mutual fulfillment. If you succeed, your accomplishment will become the most rewarding experience of your lives. You will join an exclusive and prized group that stands out as truly dedicated and loving couples who serve as shining role models for those you touched and for the rest of us.

But, remember, it is so much more rewarding to the two of you and those around you to reach that finish line as much in love as when you started – more in love than when you started? Oh, that is the golden ring. That should be your ambition and your goal.

But, please my dear friends, on your marvelous journey, do not be complacent. To build and grow your lifetime love affair will require that you both to be committed and forever vigilant.

It is important to be cognizant of the two groups of forces that will potentially harm or destroy your marriage. They are disruptive forces that come from within your marriage (the two of you) and the legions that come from outside your marriage. (Everything and everyone else)

The "Wise Words" that follow and your pledge to each other will help to hold your unification together from within. They are designed for that purpose. They will also fortify you both to confront those distractions from without. The bubble of exclusivity in which you reside is fragile. These elements from without will try to "burst" that bubble and expose you to the ravages of temptation, jealousy, conflict, disruption, self-indulgence, self-pity, reclusiveness, and more. They are many, they are powerful, they are stealthy and clever, but you must be stronger.

And you will be stronger together with the knowledge that you are acting as one. In true love, one plus one equals infinity. Remember that formula.

(1+1 = ∞)

There is nothing you cannot do together.

Burn that into your minds and hearts.

The singer/songwriter, Joan Osborne, said it well in a paraphrased quote of her song writing: "Love isn't just one thing; it encompasses faith, passion, power struggles, humor, anguish, spirituality, lust, and anger. The people we love can bring out the very best and the absolute worst in us, because the leap that we make in trusting another person makes us vulnerable. When the endorphin rush of falling in love stops, that's when the difficult work begins." (My emphasis)

The passionate, early love you have is wonderful and thrilling. Savor it, extend it, build on it and cherish every moment. But, for a lasting union, you must channel and transform this remarkable period into an enduring and mature love affair. It will not grow and flourish if it is not constantly nurtured. It will not happen by itself. It will be a difficult task, most likely your most difficult task. But, the successful execution of that task will affect you both, those around you, and those that follow you and most importantly, those whom you love and who love you.

You will soon find in your lives together that true love is not a sprint, it is a marathon. A sprint is not difficult to endure. Be diligent and suffer the pain for a very short time and it is over quicklyh. But, the marathon is the long haul of endurance and perseverance. In the marathon there are copious opportunities to falter, give up, and fail in the beginning, at the middle, and at the end.

Be cautious as you proceed, and pace yourselves. Be alert that neither of you trips and falls from the obstacles along the way. There will be many and some will be unexpected, substantial, and hidden, many times purposefully placed by unexpected detractors and interlopers. Be sure you are on the same path and do not get diverted. Always, watch each other's back.

Finishing the race together in victory should be your goal. Happiness will be your common reward. But, unlike a traditional marathon that is an individual triumph, you must each aid your companion toward that common goal. You must be a team and finish together. Maybe another analogy may have been more accurate but a little less noble. Love is a sack race where you are literally tied together, inseparable. If one falls, the other falls. Don't fall.

There will be times, possibly extended times, that you may have to carry your partner. Be prepared to do so, willingly with a light and willing heart and with the certain knowledge and joy that your partner for life would gladly do the same for you or, in fact, may be called upon to do the same for you in the future.

"We said we would love each other for always."

"As we walk the beach of our lives, I see our footprints in the sand."

"But when I needed you the most, I notice only one set of footprints."

"The times you see only one set of footprints,

are when I was carrying you, my dear."

Paraphrased from

"Footprints in the Sand,"

Copyright © 1984

Mary Stevenson

Don't doubt me on this. I am an expert on this subject. Am I ever. I speak from the experience of having been carried many times by my love and having carried her many times – eventually to the finish line. There were no requests, no pleas, no expectations of reward or repayment – just doing anything that had to be done – anything for your partner, for your love.

True love is never contingent upon reciprocity.

When the fire in your hearts becomes less intense, throw more wood on the fire, and gently stoke it. But, be cautious not to burn yourselves out or the house down. Remember, a fire is best after the initial uncontrolled flames, sparks, and roar die down and the steady glow of the coals warms your body with its soft radiance – no dazzling flamboyance, just constant warmth. The fire must do this to last into the night, and your love affair must do likewise to last into the many years ahead.

I apologize. I know it is effortless for me to pontificate. But, I learned so much that I hope to transfer to you. I was so fortunate to be married my whole life to the perfect wife. If on occasion, I even came close to being a perfect husband, I owe every lesson to her.

In retrospect, I was an excellent, devoted, and loyal husband, but not the perfect husband. I have concluded that in order for a man to be a perfect husband, he would have to be a woman, and think like her. Our chemistry fails us miserably in this task. It must be the missing rib.

You see, after all these years, I am just beginning to realize some of Phyliss' pain and heartache that I missed or overlooked. I desperately hope I can prevent you both from making some of the same mistakes I did. A misstep, even a minor one, is such a regret that cannot be fixed. Nothing is better than avoiding the causes of the regrets in the first place. That is my wish for you, the purpose of this little book.

I would strongly encourage both of you to read the book of our entire lives together,

"My Teacher, My Bride."

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/483616

Do not read the book so much to learn more about us personally, but rather to learn from our experiences - experiences of two lovers who were on the same path all their lives and successfully made it to the finish line of the marathon, the sack race. I pray that you two shall, as well. Try not to trip and break a leg.

Before committing to marry, couples need to know every detail about each other. (See the following section on – "Life's Priorities") The day may come when your partner will have to make decisions for you like the decisions that confronted me.

In your choice of a partner you must determine if they will make the decisions in your best interest or in their own best interests. Don't be so sure, you know the answer to that question.

Life can quickly become more complex than you ever imagined. It can become a fog where crises have no easy solution, sometimes no solution at all. That is when your choice of a partner will become of critical importance.

Unconditional and passionate love must be the foundation of your marriage to arrive at the correct answer. Don't marry someone just because it was so lovely that he posed the big question by hiring a plane to write the interrogatory across the skies. Remember how the roaring fire quickly burns out and extinguishes itself. Think, not of the moments, but of the lifetime.

There is a little quip that circulates that says, "Be good to your children or your spouse, someday they may be selecting your nursing home." The saying misses the mark. You really don't want your children or your spouse to select any nursing home for you. They should be putting you in their home for care until there is no other choice. Why would you warehouse someone you love in an institution? Many times it is a death sentence.

But, I guess I am old fashion and my thinking is obsolete. From my observations over the years, I could not even imagine placing Phyliss in any kind of institutional "care." It was not even a vague thought, while I was capable of her care at home.

It is with great discomfort to say, I have witnessed spouses unwilling or reluctant to spend their joint resources for the care of their "loved one" in order to increase their own financial status after they were gone.

Choose your spouse well. Raise your children with affection, and treat them both with respect and love and pray that they will return that love. Your life could depend on your actions. Your life will depend on your actions.

In the vernacular of the street, "Ya know what I'm sayin'?"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Think of your marriage as building a huge castle on the beach with your spouse. Few resources are needed. Everything you need is there, especially just the two of you. If you have children, they should join in on the work. You are a coordinated loving team.

Each grain of sand is an offering of love, sometimes one at a time, other times entire hands-full of love and affection – each grain building on the next. A monumental task and impressive structure, your marriage is.

But, it is fragile and there are many forces ready to bring it down. The tide could come in and wash it away if you did not plan well. It could be caught in a downpour or a windstorm. Beachgoers could damage or destroy it. It requires constant vigilance, protection, and maintenance.

If a calamity does befall it, be prepared to build it again and again. But, remember we are mortal beings. We have our limitations and a finite time on earth. One of you may be not be able to participate and the other may have to continue for the two of you. Or sadly one of you may not be around to help any longer and the other must continue – possibly to build another castle with another love. Be mentally prepared.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year

If you sense that the flame of early love is dying, you both may want to try this simple little mind exercise. It costs nothing but a little time and the benefit could be enormous. It may not be a pleasant thought, but a serious situation requires a serious and innovative solution.

Suppose that your spouse succumbs to a sudden and unexpected death. You mourn terribly and five years pass. You still have many regrets, and your devastation does not leave. Now imagine for a few moments that by some miracle she could return to you for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month and a year. After each time period she must leave, never to return again.

Think seriously about what you would do with her, what you would say to her, how you would treat her during each limited time period before she left you again, this time permanently. Compare your thoughts to how you treat her now.

Then, thank God that this was only an exercise suggested by this author and not a real event. Immediately go to your spouse and treat her as if you only had those short and limited times with her. If you neglect to rekindle your relation you will not be given that opportunity and then it will be too late. The day may come when it is not just an exercise.

When you realize that the music has stopped in life's "game" of musical chairs,

and you look around and there is no chair that remains for you . . .

You want to look up in your dismay and see your darling spouse smile lovingly at you . . .

and motion for you to go sit on his lap.

That's what marriage is.

Chapter two - The "Wise Words"

The original-facsimile of the following document was saved by me from the weekly church bulletin from St. Joseph's Pro Cathedral in Camden in 1955, when I was twelve. The original author was listed as unknown. I have seen various abbreviated versions of this, but none so complete as this since Phyliss and I have added substantially to it and modified it over the years. The narratives and commentaries were added entirely by us.

Please don't ask me to explain why a twelve-year-old boy would want to read, save, and keep an article entitled, "Wise words for Married Folks." I don't have a clue. Maybe so I could write this book?

I really didn't even know what marriage was. I never met my father, and didn't "meet" my mother until I was about four or five. After she got out of the hospital, she arrived with a fellow who was my "dad." Sure there were "couples" in the neighborhood with children, but there were also women living alone with their children. I figured the couples were friends and just liked each other.

At that age, I had never even been to a wedding that I could remember. What was a wedding? Was it that time when there were lots of kids running around throwing ice cubes at each other and wearing funny clothes?

Maybe it was the mystery of what marriage was that piqued my curiosity about the words, "Married Folks." It seemed so different and important.

I carefully cut out the part of the bulletin with the "Wise Words" on it, pasted it on the cardboard insert from a three pack of "Tastykake" chocolate cup cakes with rubber cement and covered it with clear "Contact" shelf covering to protect it.

Years later, when I showed the worn and tattered card to Phyliss, she gave me a loving smile and agreed that the meanings of the words were very significant. It earned me a gentle pat of approval on the head. I was so proud of my accomplishment.

We used the words to govern our early friendship and eventually guide our love and married life. I guess it really was important. The major difference was that while I suspected that the list was important, Phyliss knew without a doubt that the list was important.

It was not until many years later that I realized that the list was already etched into her mind before I showed it to her. I was showing her something she already knew, but had the kindness to still marvel at my discovery. That impressed me so much, I married her.

And now, my friends, the "Wise Words" belong to you, free of charge. You won't even need the cardboard from the "Tastykake" or the "contact paper." Thank you very much.

The list was modified, expanded, and edited extensively by us over many years. For the past fifty years, Phyliss and I each carried this credo on our person. Our agreement was that when one of us violated a principle, he or she would acknowledge it and correct the offending behavior. If not self-recognized, the other would bring it to his or her attention for discussion, correction, and forgiveness. We believed, accurately, that almost every friendship or marital problem originated from the violation of one or more of these principles.

It is essential that both the loving partners understand and agree to honor the principles and carry a copy with them at all times. Back then, that meant carrying a hard copy. Today with smart phones or whatever succeeds them, having them with you always is simple. There is no excuse to be without them.

Out of the gigabytes and gigabytes of memory on your phone, they will consume only 26 kilobytes of memory – not even a blip. Yes, I checked. They may be the most important 26 kilobytes you will possess not only in your marriage but in your relations with friends, family, neighbors, or co-workers.

If you are vigilant, after a while they will become part of your being. I remember their becoming our secret "weapons" against the disruptive forces of the world. Make them your secret weapons too – secrets to your success that only the two of you know. But, then again, don't be rapacious. Generously share and pass them on to those you care about and love.

A word about secrets – Do you remember when you were a child, how endearing it was to have a "secret" with your best friend? Now that you are grown up, (you are grown up, aren't you?) continue to use "secrets" with your best friend to keep that burning, early love alive. But, remember – have secrets with your best friend, not secrets from your best friend. The "Wise Words" can be your first group of secrets that you share.

With Phyliss and me, violations of the "Words" were common at first, but quickly slowed to a trickle, and then eventually stopped as our love grew and matured. As years passed, much to my chagrin, I came to realize that every violation of these guidelines was mine alone. Phyliss had effortlessly never breached one principle. It was her nature. But remarkably, humbly, and so characteristically, not once in all our years together through her illnesses and her death, did she remind me that the transgressions had all been mine.

I was so dismayed that I needed to be taught the song of love.

But, I quickly rejoiced that, from a master, I did learn the refrain so well.

For you see, I had married a remarkable woman, who already knew the song of love, flawlessly, performed it for me every day, and then lovingly and patiently taught it to me, allowing me the honor to play it back for her.

The resulting symphony, created a beautiful, lifetime harmony.

It can be yours, as well, if you only try.

After reading the book, a friend told me that the "Wise Words" were "very nice," but a person would have to be a saint to follow them. If that is what it takes, then play the part of a saint. It will certainly be worth the effort.

I agree that the "Words" are not going to be easy to follow. No one knows that better than I. The key is what I stated at the beginning.

"The secret to a long and healthy marriage is selfless, passionate, unconditional love and devotion above all else, always, without end."

It is simple to nod your head in agreement now, in the quiet of your computer world or your electronic reading device. But you must have that same conviction in the heat of a dispute, disagreement, or time of dismay.

Stop, both be quiet, look each other in the eyes as if it were that steamy moment of first love. Say to each other, "What are we arguing about." Sit down and discuss the issue after the fire dies down while keeping the "Wise Words" by your side. This is when they are the most valuable. You may even forget what you were arguing about. Kiss instead . . . or better yet . . . work on your next child. The argument can wait.

If you resign yourselves to that one sentence above, then following these principles will come naturally. Perfect adherence to them will not come all at once, but your perseverance will be rewarded. Oh, will it ever be rewarded.

Put blinders on. When you take those vows, there is no one else in the world, but the two of you. They are not words. They are principles to live by. No one and no thing is more important.

Lay the groundwork for a perfect union, unite, and stay united. That day you invited everyone to your marriage celebration, you promised so many a wonderful show. They came to see the show and now oh, so many around you will watch and rely on your dance through life. Give them a great, no a marvelous, performance for which you can be so proud and for which they can give a spectacular review and a standing ovation that invites a dozen curtain calls.

Think of the consequences of failure. Look around you at the broken marriages and families – the trails of destroyed human emotions and lives that are left behind. We have all seen them too often. Look at the pain of the members of the marriage and the collateral damage to the children and the immediate and extended families. It is not what you want for you, and it is not what you want for your loved ones.

All of this turmoil and pain can be prevented by thoughtfully entering marriage with full realization of the enormity and importance of maintaining a healthy union and the adherence to these simple rules. Is it not worth the effort? This endeavor is not just about the two of you. It is a solemn and sacred contract affecting many you know and some you don't know.

"Those are way too many rules, Joe" . . . Then don't get married. Be friends, do your thing, break up, and move on to the next "arrangement." You won't even make a ripple in the pond of life, and no one will care or notice. It will be yesterday's news. Harsh, you say - think of the consequences of the alternative.

Save yourselves and everyone else the grief.

* * * * *

Here is just a quick word about communication. Constant, concise, clear, and unequivocal communication is essential for your union to work and last. If you have gotten this far in your relationship, then you and your love should have substantial communication skills already. However, here is a simple analogy of how communication can falter without your complete awareness, even among skilled communicators with like thinking.

You are at your computer working within your word processor. You have a particularly lucid moment and you begin typing rapidly to record your thoughts before they vanish. (As time passes, they will quickly vanish, believe me. I am typing very quickly right now.) You partially close your eyes to concentrate on your thoughts as you type. There, you did it. Your thoughts flowed from your brain to the keyboard perfectly. Your ideas were profound and your communication was flawless. You are convinced that you have created perfection. You have no equal. You are a genius.

You raise your head and open your eyes to marvel at your accomplishment. You are so proud of yourself . . . The screen displays gibberish . . . You cannot believe your senses. Unknowingly, your hands were only slightly misplaced on the keyboard and your thoughts were to remain only your own. You have become a "legend in your own mind." No one will ever know your brilliance.

The same can happen in your marriage. A slight miscalculation or misplacement of your hands on the keyboard of your contact with your love can convey a misdirected message, an indiscernible message or even a contrary message without your being aware. Such an error can be the instigator of much consternation and even a destructive event in your relationship. Avoid this miscommunication like the plague.

Check and double check your communications skills between the two of you often. You have so much to accomplish already. Mending the result of a misunderstood exchange should not be one of them. Make sure you accurately convey your inspiration to your dear, in person, no middlemen. I always did. In reality, it was she who regularly conveyed her genius to me. Thank you, darling.

All of our married lives, Phyliss and I roamed around "joined at the hip' as they say. You never saw one of us without the other. Phyliss followed every rule naturally without any effort. I did as well, but not always with her perfection.

In the real world, this rather unusual "behavior" of constant civility and love between us seemed, at times somewhat contrived and a bit tiresome and tedious to some, maybe many. We just didn't know and really gave it no attention. I was to find that on occasion our interaction was so out of the ordinary, unknown to us, it became the object of good natured parody after we left. That would not have disturbed us, even if we were aware of it. Remember, we were inside our bubble and we had our "secrets" to sustain us.

Later, one very dear couple's marriage with a large family of children ended with an acrimonious divorce. It saddened us deeply for them and the children. After Phyliss had her stroke, one of the couple confided in me the wish that their behavior toward each other had been more like the behavior between Phyliss and me. The parody of our behavior had somehow lost its humor. It was such a courageous yet melancholy realization and admission but most sadly a belated one.

You don't ever want to look into the eyes of a child after they have been told that their parents are going to be divorced. That is something that happens to other families, not theirs. Believe me, it is earth shattering and heartbreaking right to your very soul. It will stay with you the rest of your life. Just imagine how the vision will persist with the child.

Here are a few words of caution in applying the rules. If you are of the same mind as your partner, it is fairly straightforward to agree to follow them. The pact that you make to implement the rules will be amicable and come easily.

That is not the test.

The test is adhering to the rules in the "heat of battle."

Hopefully there will be no battles, but if there are, remember this. Usually, one of you will be angrier and be speaking the fastest and the loudest with conviction and authority. If that is you, do not ignore or disparage your partner when he or she brings up the "Wise Words" to remind you of your anger. Don't say, "Put away those stupid rules, this is serious."

This is precisely when the rules are the most valuable. Both of you should have a rock-solid agreement never to fall into this trap. If you do, it will be devastation and you may as well throw away the "Wise Words" and your marriage contract. It is that serious.

Continuing the theme of a "battle," avoid using the "Words" as weapons to harm your partner. Never use anything to harm your partner, especially the "Words." By using them against your partner in a vicious and unkind fashion they will be seen as a negative force to be avoided. The use of them will then exacerbate and escalate the conflict rather than remedy it. You don't want the "Words" themselves to become the center of a secondary dispute. You don't want that to happen.

They are a force for good not for discord. Discuss these concepts in depth with your partner so that you will both recognize the appearance of this destructive behavior and be able to avoid it. It is your arch-enemy. It is the Devil, Satan, Old Scratch.

* * * * *

When you downloaded this little book, you probably thought that it would be another "Be nice to each other" book. You are probably thinking now, if you got this far, "Good grief, this is too much hard work." If that is what you are thinking, turn off your computer, use your "unlimited minutes plan" to call your significant other, and tell him or her to find someone else more worthy.

I know it is asking a bit much to become a saint to follow the "Wise Words" since to become a saint you must have been dead for five years. That certainly would defeat the entire purpose of this little book, would it not? That still does not preclude your both acting saintly toward each other.

Once you have solidified the foundation of your love, go and multiply and pass the "Words" on to your children, and they to theirs. They work every time they are tried. Your children may be the ones who remind you that you broke the rules. You will probably love that. Maybe you should make the children the "policemen," the arbiters of the process. Why not? They have the most to lose. And in an argument, your own children have the power and wisdom to snap you out of your conflict of behaving like children.

Remember, they will love you for this simple act of conflict avoidance and resolution and in turn adopt it into their lives with their future spouses when they see how successfully it works. Quite a head start in life you will have given them in their friendships, their relationships, and their marriages. What a wonderful lesson you will have taught them – by example, by participation, and by being role models.

We need to have a word about "you." Before you meet your love and get married, "you" means "you;" after marriage, "you" must mean "we" – such a simple change of pronoun, but so complex and illusive a concept. Why is it complex and illusive? Because you both have been subtly and sometimes not so subtly conditioned all your young lives to believe you are the most important being on Earth. Everything is about "self."

"You are special." Sound familiar? An advertisement for an airline has a theme in the background that says, "It's all about you." There is a magazine called, "Self." Guess what it is about. Most of the rest of them are about "you." Imagine a magazine called "we." Oprah has a magazine. Month after month, year after year she is exclusively on the cover, without fail. Oh, wait; she did share the cover with doctor "Oz" a couple of times and a lion. That's right a lion. Sure, it's her magazine. But, give us a break.

This is the mindset of which you must divest yourself. If you don't, your marriage will fail or be so much less than it should be. Be independent, be individuals, be yourselves, keep your unique identities, but do it all within the bubble of "we."

Make these simple guidelines part of your collective being and join the exclusive club of those who will grow old together in happiness. I pray that you do.

Now, let's review the "Wise Words." Please don't "skim over them." Read each one thoroughly. Stop to think about each one and how it relates to your own unique union. If it is not an issue, move on to the next one. But, if it pertains to you and your partner, consider the degree of problem it poses and how to formulate a solution. Jot it down and add to it others that fall into the same category. Then list them by severity and begin addressing each one until you reach an unequivocal solution.

Phyliss and Joseph's Marriage Credo

"Wise Words for Married Folks"

Always, make the best of what is.

Always, strive to reach an equitable compromise over differences.

Always, strive to yield willingly to the wishes of the other.

Always, let self-denial be your daily aim.

Always, neglect the whole world rather than one another.

Always, once a day, say kind and loving words to your life's partner.

Always, respect and be tender to each other.

Always, value each other's friendship and companionship.

Always, admit it when you are wrong; and ask for forgiveness.

Always, grant forgiveness willingly, sincerely, and generously.

Always, be humble and non-confrontational.

Always, be loyal to your sacred vows.

Always, be honest with yourself and your partner, and avoid deceit.

Always, reject self-pity and self-absorption.

Always, grant and welcome constructive advice lovingly.

Always, remember God ordained marriage; only His grace can make it what it should be.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Never, both be angry at once.

Never, speak loudly, angrily, or disrespectfully to one another.

Never, find fault, unless there is a fault; and always speak lovingly.

Never, taunt with a past mistake.

Never, allow a request to be repeated.

Never, make a remark at the expense of the other, even in jest.

Never, meet without a loving welcome.

Never, part without loving words to think of during absence.

Never, let the sun set upon anger or grievance.

Never, forget the happiness and joy of early love.

Never, hesitate to be supportive and give a helping hand.

Never, lament over what might have been.

Never, blame the other for your own shortcomings.

Never be content until you know that you are both walking in the same narrow way.

The Beginning

Phyliss and Joseph's Marriage Credo

"Wise Words for Married Folks"

(with commentary)

A L W A Y S

Always

Make the best of what is.

"God, give me the strength to accept those things I cannot change." The "Serenity Prayer" says it all. Once all options to change what is have been exhausted, accept it and move on to those things that can be changed.

* * * * *

Always

Strive to reach an equitable compromise over differences.

The easiest compromise to achieve is when there is no need for a compromise. Start from there. Attempt to settle differences without having to resort to compromise. Try a solution that satisfies you both without having to give something up. Work hard at it, be imaginative. You will both be happy.

Change places and advocate your partners view; you may learn something and find you have no differences. Remember, you are not attempting to reach a compromise with a street vendor or a business competitor. After all, it is your spouse whom you love and cherish across the bargaining table. That makes a difference – or most assuredly it should.

* * * * *
Always

Strive to yield willingly to the wishes of the other.

Love and self-sacrifice are the keys to the kingdom. She wants to go to the mall; you want to go to the game. Go to both. They are at the same time? Offer to go the venue of your partner, with a smile. He or she may be shocked and may just offer to go to yours instead.

It is called love, guys, remember? It is not just a noun. It can be a verb also – a word of action. Do this for little things, big things, for everything.

* * * * *

Always

Let self-denial be your daily aim.

Also practice self-denial for the little things, big things, for everything. Little thing: give her the tenderest cut of meat for dinner, without her knowledge. Big, big thing: She wants kids, you don't. Have kids with a loving and supportive heart. No one said it would be easy. Self-denial is very hard to go down in our world of self-gratification. Swallow hard, and don't choke. You must love her more than you love yourself. You have to say that, believe that, and express that for as long as you both shall live. It is a lifetime warranty with no returns allowed.

* * * * *

Always

Neglect the whole world rather than one another.

This is a potentially dangerous one, folks. When differences occur, there is a tendency to retreat and regroup with reinforcements of a like mind and then resume the attack. Don't. Remember living in the bubble. It shall always be the two of you in your bubble and "them." Don't step out of the bubble and don't let them step in. Don't be tempted to side with others against your partner. You didn't marry the others; you didn't pledge to the others; you don't have a solemn contract with the others. They have nothing to lose; you both have everything to lose.
Always

Once a day, say kind and loving words to your life's partner.

Make it at least once a day, please. This should be an easy one for those in love. A cost benefit analysis on this one would be off the scale. Do it and show it.

* * * * *

Always

Respect and be tender to each other.

If you love your spouse, folks, this is another easy one. This should be a reflex action, an automatic response. You should both be on automatic pilot when it comes to tenderness and respect. This plane should fly itself. If it does not, guess what happens to the plane. You are right, it crashes. Don't let your marriage plane crash or your love boat sink.

* * * * *

Always

Value each other's friendship and companionship.

Your spouse must be your best friend, confidant, and companion. No wiggle room on this one. Just realize that friendship and marriage are different but both are very hard work to maintain and sustain. If you don't think they are different recall how many friends you had before you got married. They are different. Research it.

* * * * *

Always

Admit it when you are wrong; and ask for forgiveness.

This is difficult for us guys. We are always right, but we must make our wives think they are right. It is a tough thing to do, knowing you are right and not only admitting you are wrong, but then having to ask forgiveness! I am just kidding, of course. Seriously, generally the wife is usually right, at least in my marriage that was the case. Suck it up, guys and be a man. It takes a real man to admit he is wrong. It takes an even greater man to ask forgiveness. It's not really that difficult to ask forgiveness, guys. Just do it when nobody else is around. Then it's "he said, she said." You know I am just kidding, again. Humor, always solves everything.

* * * * *

Always

Grant forgiveness willingly, sincerely, and generously.

When your wife is wrong always grant her forgiveness, willingly, sincerely, and generously. Really, it does go both ways. Granting forgiveness is so paramount in a marriage because forgiveness is so important to be received by the offender to properly heal from a transgression. Look your partner in the eyes, say it tenderly, sincerely, and clearly – no mumbling and no crossed fingers. "I unconditionally love you and forgive you, dear."

* * * * *

Always

Be humble, and non-confrontational.

Humility comes hard for some. Work on it if it does. It is a wonderful trait to have in a marriage. It is so easy to love a person who is humble. On the other hand, it is so destructive to be confrontational. It is a trait that is so clearly visible through body language before a word is spoken. It poisons the well for everything that is tried afterward. A confrontational stance is as glaring as a black cat hunching its back with its fur and tail in the air. Nothing constructive can be accomplished starting from this terrible beginning. Actually, most times it is the end.

* * * * *

Always

Be loyal to your sacred vows.

I am amused at a wedding when the pastor or presider presents the vows to the couple. He or she usually asks them to repeat two or three words at a time. It can be a stressful time. It is an important moment and everyone wants to get it right.

But the words of the vows are so very important they should be read to each other many times before the ceremony just for the fact that they are so very important. They really should be memorized by both parties, including deep discussions about their implications. They are the greatest promise you will make in your life. Don't have the time? Let someone else pick the napkin colors.

"I, Joseph, take you, Phyliss, to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

"I, Phyliss, take you, Joseph, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

The vows are so simple, and concise, but profound. Possibly, the simplicity conceals the monumental pledge to each other that is made with this one sentence. Give this sentence your complete attention and both agree that you understand this commitment. It is not trivial. Once this is done and the promise is made, move Heaven and Earth to keep it. It is not an easy task. It is not a singular task. It is a continuous series of tasks for life. Remember that.

* * * * *

Always

Be honest with yourself and your partner, and avoid deceit.

Next to love, honesty is the foundation of your union with your partner. Honesty is synonymous with trust. If you lose the trust of your partner, all is lost. If deceit is displayed just one time, the doubt will always exist in your partner's mind, "What else has he lied about?" "Did he lie about our vows?" You will never be believed again. Uncertainty and doubt will infect your marriage and it will die from that infection. This one needs a "911" call.

* * * * *

Always

Reject self-pity and self-absorption.

Since Phyliss died, I have had a great deal of practice in this category. I have found that the best way out of this spiral is to remember, "No matter how much you are suffering, there are literally hundreds of millions, possibly billions who are suffering more than you. We just don't see them. Most suffer in silence. Suffering on this Earth may even be the norm.

One of the most profound realizations that came out of Phyliss' disabilities was the fact that it is everywhere. It only becomes apparent when the suffering presents itself to us or those we love. So, my friends resist self-pity. It gets old quickly to those around you and it is not a pretty picture.

* * * * *

Always

Grant and welcome constructive advice lovingly

Advice given or received to or from loved ones can be valuable, constructive, and insightful. But it can also be problematic. Don't let it be. There is a desire to accept the advice of your spouse out of love and respect. However that desire conflicts with the human instinct to reject the advice to retain autonomy. This internal conflict between compliance (showing love) and non-compliance (asserting freedom) can create frustration. Frustration can lead to anger and conflict thus negating any anticipated value of the advice.

Discuss this issue openly with your partner while applying a copious dose of the "advice" given in the other "Wise Words." Your union will be so much better if you do.

This concept was drawn from the profound wisdom of Peter Gray, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Boston College. "Free to Learn" Thank you for your insight, Dr. Gray.

* * * * *

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Always

Remember God ordained marriage; only His grace can make it what it should be.

You caught me, so I did manage to sneak in a little religion under the last "Always" item. Well, since I have been "exposed", start applying these "Words" and grant me absolution with the rule about forgiveness under the "Always" rules. There, that wasn't that hard? Was it? Now you are getting the idea. I bet you feel better already.

* * * * *

NEVER

* * * * *

Never

Both be angry at once.

Singular anger can be destructive. Double anger can be fatal. One of you must maintain calm for reason and tranquility to return and to prevail. Are we so arrogant that we risk diminishing our love for the sake of "winning" an argument? No one "wins" an argument in a love affair.

You both always lose – sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, and so sadly, sometimes you both lose it all. Maybe this item should read, "Never be angry." Wouldn't that be nice?

* * * * *

Never

Speak loudly, angrily, or disrespectfully to one another.

These three directives are placed in the order of their potential damage. You would not think that just speaking loudly would have a negative impact. It does. I have personal experience. In the last two years of Phyliss' life, her hearing got progressively worse, until it was completely lost. My instinctive response was to speak progressively louder.

Loud speech just seems to instigate anger. I found it almost impossible to convey loving thoughts, kindness, and compassion while raising my voice. The louder my voice, the more the perception of anger materialized. I felt I had conveyed anger and she had perceived anger regardless of the content of the words. The message is don't ever yell at your love.

Loudness and anger are damaging and involve movements, intonations, and facial expressions regardless of content. Verbal content, vicious language and nefarious behavior invoke disrespect. This conduct is serious and presents a very difficult place from which to recover. Never disrespect each other. This is the man or woman you selected and who selected you to love for life. There is no room in that union for contempt and disrespect. You don't know what respect is? Don't get married. You are too far gone to rehabilitate. Live alone with your pet goldfish.

* * * * *

Never

Find fault, unless it is certain that a fault has been committed;

And

Always speak lovingly.

Finding fault implies making judgment. Try not to judge your love. Intensely learn about each other. You will find that each of you will have a list of behaviors that are not tolerable. Avoid those behaviors. Certainly, the best way to avoid having your spouse find fault is to not commit a fault in the first place. You can achieve that by thoroughly discussing what behaviors are out of bounds and abstain from those behaviors.

* * * * *

Never

Taunt with a past mistake.

"Taunt with a past mistake" is a double violation. Taunting is ridicule or mockery. This is something you do as a kid, not with someone you love. To do it with a past mistake is dredging up something in the past that has been hopefully resolved. If it hasn't been resolved, resolve it and move on, children! This is destructive regression, not advancement.

* * * * *

Never

Allow a request to be repeated.

If your love makes a request of you, it means she has a need. Fulfill that need. Don't force her to have to ask again. If it is a request that cannot be fulfilled, discuss it, resolve it, and move on. By all means, do not ignore the request. If you are the one making the request and it has been agreed it cannot be fulfilled or is unreasonable, then drop it.

* * * * *

Never

Make a remark at the expense of the other, even in jest.

This is a biggie, dears. The rule implies, "to another person." Do you really want to disparage the one you love to others? The first thing that will go through the listener's mind is, "Is that what he thinks of her?" "Why did he marry her?" "What a dope he is." And, you know of course, they will be right about you, you dope. Also, this action causes deep seated pain and hurt that cannot be healed easily, maybe not ever. Caution with this one. Stay away. This is sleep on the couch for a month or more territory.

* * * * *

Never

Meet without a loving welcome.

A loving welcome says, "I missed you terribly and it is so wonderful to be back with you, dear." All of that is accomplished with just a hug and a kiss – what energy conservation. You did this every time when you were courting her. Why not now? Remember, giving a loving welcome when things are "peachy" is so easy. No points for that pal, sorry.

When things are tense between you, that's when a loving welcome is just so important. That shows character. It melts ice. It melts the human heart. Always make the first move. Be magnanimous. Look it up if you have to.

* * * * *

Never

Part without loving words to think of during absence

This goes without saying. What if this parting is your last? We never know. We kissed, expressed our love, and an hour later she had a fatal stroke. What? You both have a smart phone. Come on! You know it is not the same. Nothing beats the image of your darling wearing a lovely smile, radiant eyes, and lips delectably moist from a recent kiss to sustain you both during absence. Go for it!

* * * * *

Never

Let the sun set upon anger or grievance.

God really knew what He was doing when He made the Earth rotate once a day. He did a few other things right too. He made me write this list for you, didn't he? A day is just enough time to dissolve anger and grievances, unless you are obsessed with staying angry forever. You don't want to do that. Do you? I know you don't. Again, this is destructive regression, not advancement. Talk about it, drop the anger and move on. Sin no more. It will get you off the couch and back into bed.

I have seen some advice that recommends that you sleep on your differences and resolve them the next day. Sorry, don't do it. Nothing is worse that lying in bed all night festering with your backs toward each other. Besides when God designed us he didn't put anything of use on our backs. There is nothing there but pimples. Everything of importance is on our fronts. So turn around, face each other, make up, and then you two figure out the rest. Don't waste precious time together. Put it to good use. Now that my dear wife is gone, I would never forgive myself if we spent even one night angry with each other. You won't forgive yourself either.

* * * * *

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Never

Forget the happiness and joy of early love.

These are the best times of your lives. Remember them, recall them, relive them, and extend them. Never let them go. They are the affirmation that you will always adore and honor each other and nothing has changed with time. Defeat that nasty entity we call time. Turn it into a positive and just let it make your hearts grow fonder. Einstein theorized that time slows as we approach the speed of light. Kick your marriage into overdrive and approach the speed of light and never leave this most wonderful time.

"Beware that your hearts do not become drowsy  
from . . . the anxieties of daily life" . . .

* * * * *

Never

Hesitate to be supportive and give a helping hand

Support your spouse in everything he or she does. If they cannot rely on you to be their most enthusiastic cheerleader, then on whom can they rely? Make their goals your goals; make their dreams, your dreams; make their aspirations, your aspirations. Don't make them ask for help. Anticipate their need. When they are in pain let them look up from their torment to see your smiling face and your outstretched helping hand. What you cannot accomplish alone, you can accomplish together.

Think it. Believe it. Do it. Let them know it. Got it?

* * * * *

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Never

Lament over what might have been

What might have been is now a long lost fantasy. Sometimes that fantasy, that dream can be resurrected. If it is possible, and you both agree to that, give it another try. If it cannot be, then don't lament over it and move on. Create a new dream and pursue it together.

* * * * *

Never

Blame the other for your own shortcomings.

The first step to not blaming your shortcomings on your partner is recognizing and admitting to your own. Once you have identified them, be honest to your partner and to yourself and assume responsibility for them. You will like yourself for it and so will your loved one. She will shout, "What a guy I married."

* * * * *

Never

Be content until you know that you are walking in the same narrow way.

When your relationship or marriage is in the middle of stormy seas, it is not nearly enough that you are both rowing frantically to get to land. You must be both rowing in the same direction. You're rowing to "Banana Island" because you like bananas while he is rowing to "Coconut Island" because he loves coconuts (no pun intended) gets you nowhere but at the bottom of the sea. At least you will be together forever but without bananas or coconuts.

You must be one with your spouse. Once you recognize that fact, you cannot take separate paths, you should not take separate paths, and you should not want to take separate paths. Agree to a destination and make the trip as the couple you promised God you would be with a willing heart. Be a single being. A single being can only take one path. It will be painful if you do not . . .

That's the "wise words." I warned you it would not be easy.

Please don't let them scare you. If you sincerely love your spouse or your future spouse, you probably have an excellent understanding about some or many of the "never's" and "always's" already. The others you may not have thought about, but as time passes they will all become second nature to the both of you. They will. And, won't that be wonderful when the time comes that these principals will become automatically.

Read them again and imagine being married to someone who possesses all of those traits. It will be Heaven. All the energy that other couples expend dancing around these issues and making no progress and wasting time, you will have avoided. The saved energy from you both can be directed to solving the problems of life and making it better. How wonderful that will be. I know it from experience. It was wonderful.

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You will grow old.

So, grow old together.

It is so much better than growing old apart.

That's no fun.

**Chapter three: Team Work**

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As I discuss this topic you may feel that I am being somewhat silly and reading into a simple contest more significance that it deserves. But, humor me. Bear with me through my thinking. A successful marriage is full of its nuances.

You all have, no doubt, seen television shows or participated in party games where couples and spouses have opposed each other in a sometimes inane or silly game of wits and "knowledge." The games seem harmless enough. They are oftentimes presented for humor to "break the ice" at a party and generally to help the guests have an enjoyable time.

The contest, like most contests, is designed to find out who has the better ability to accomplish some task or answer a question or series of questions with the most skill – to find the "winner" or the better or best participant.

The match begins, proceeds and ends, and one participant is hailed as the "winner" and sadly, by requisite, the other party becomes the "loser." The champion raises her arms in triumph with an exclamation of certain victory over the vanquished. Her admirers echo the outcry.

The defeated party hangs his head in shock, shame, and embarrassment that his competitor was better than he. It is not unusual to have a claim of unfairness from the defeated party with a call of a rematch and a pledge that the next contest will certainly result in a reversal of fortune. This match and its result was certainly an aberration.

This was a harmless enough game with simple enough purposes: fun and entertainment. If that were the case, then the game was indeed harmless enough. But, I have observed instances where continued or unexpected victory by one party has actually instigated animosity and discontentment among the couple. Why should that be? In reality, at least from my viewpoint and from my experience, the reaction should have been exactly the opposite. Let me explain.

The declaration of conquest appears to be a conditioned reflex in our exhibiting a swollen or inflated reaction of self-importance and a desire to win. It is a characteristic we seem to be born with and is nurtured as we grow in order to advance or to promote our quest for ascendancy among our peers. I think this instinct is healthy and instrumental to achieve success . . . success for us, as an individual.

But, after marriage, remember, the goal should not be for personal success but for success as a unified couple. There are few sources that teach us that things should change when we marry regarding this issue. But, in reality, it should not be business as usual. The two parties must recognize this, embrace this, and nurture this precept.

Two persons who are successful individuals will not necessarily be a successful couple. They don't cease becoming individuals, but the individualities must be reorganized to become one set of goals: the mutually agreed upon goals of the team.

Common strengths should be combined. Deficiencies of the weaker partner should be offset with the strengths of the stronger partner. Common weaknesses should be studied and augmented by both.

Now do you see why the reaction of the contestants should have been the opposite? When your partner "wins" a round of the contest, you should rejoice: "I married someone who is better than I in an area in which I am weak. How wonderful that is."

Sure, you can give the usual cheer when you "win" and she "loses" for the sake of the game and having "fun." But, don't lose sight of the underlying axiom - we are much better as a couple than we were as individuals. That dictate should be the underlying lesson of the contest and a major foundation of your union.

So the next time you find yourself immersed in one of these "contest," sure, go along with the game and the participants and have fun. Vocally rejoice at your "victory" and show sadness upon "defeat." But, please don't rejoice at your partner's defeat.

At the end of the contest, you and she should look at each other with a loving glance and a wink, knowing that you are both thinking, "How fortunate I am to be married to someone who loves me, supports me, and compliments me so perfectly."

It doesn't matter if they suspect that the two of you are secretly rejoicing that you lost. Let the others in the room try to figure out what is going on with you two.

Enjoy your next contest and have fun with the knowledge that you and your beLOVEd are the only the two who know your "secret."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
" **beLOVEd"**

When developing your teamwork

remember this tiny word with the funny letter cases.

It incorporates a wealth of wisdom with so thrifty an assemblage of letters.

It says so much and is so simple, but it is difficult to write

the spell-checker keeps correcting it.

But, it is so correct the way it is shown.

The capitalized word in the middle says, "LOVE."

This is obvious and understandable.

You must love your spouse.

A prime ingredient in the recipe of marriage.

But, also she is your "beloved."

This is also understandable.

She has no equal as the object of your affection.

It implies that extra measure of love beyond the ordinary.

Further, the word broken into its parts also says "be loved."

When you are loved it is so important to acknowledge it,

to show your spouse you are aware of and appreciate being loved.

Love given freely and abundantly cannot exist in a vacuum.

The one giving the love must perceive that it has been received and appreciated.

You must learn how to "be loved" for the donor to continue loving you.

Love that is ignored, unappreciated, or underappreciated will eventually disappear in the wind and never be given again. It will die an unrequited death.

All this perspicacity is contained in the one little word with the funny capitalization.

Its multiple meanings are so, so easy to remember,

but too often forgotten.

Don't.

Chapter four: The differences of the sexes

**The bad news: I am not an expert in this subject. The worse news: Neither is anybody else.** Women and men are totally different in most every category. Put them together and every couple is totally different from every other couple. Anyone who tells you otherwise is deluding himself.

Talk constantly to each other about important things. Observe how your partner reacts to various situations and conditions. It will be much different from how you react. Note the differences and discuss them. Compromise, but also be tolerant of your partner's differing opinions and outlook.

Above all take into account the enormous differences between the two of you because of your genders. Your brains do not operate the same – not better, not worse, but differently – many times complimentary – most times complementary, if you recognize and capitalize on that. Don't argue and compete about those differences and make them negatives. The different perspectives present you with advantages, not disadvantages.

Take your weaknesses as a woman and reinforce them with his strengths as a man.

Take your weaknesses as a man and reinforce them with her strengths as a woman.

Contrary to the thinking and political correctness of our era, the important thing to realize and acknowledge is that some of these strengths and weaknesses will be manifested precisely because you are a woman or a man. You are not equal in everything. Do not believe that you are. It is actually quite frightening that this actually has to be stated. It is a barometer of how much we have strayed from rationality and wisdom.

**The challenge will be for you both to recognize where the strengths and weakness are in your union. Weave your combined strengths of your association together to produce a fabric that is far stronger, more supple, more versatile, and utilitarian than the individual treads with which you began and which you contributed**.

Address this issue with an open mind, with understanding, kindness, and honesty. Confront this subject head on with vigor and don't be too sensitive and get your feelings hurt. Use logic and commonsense. Give your partner credit for having intelligence and understanding. You know, it is not only you who is wise. "Remember, one who shuns wisdom, is doomed to have none."

The good news, no the best news is: the resulting couple will be an order of magnitude stronger, more capable, and better than the individuals. It will not be 1+1 = 2. It will be 1+1= anything you want your union to be.

Don't buy into this rubbish that any man can do what a woman can do, only better. And conversely any woman can do what a man can do, only better. It is true some women can excel in areas typically the domain of men and some men can excel in areas typically the domain of women. But, don't make these generalities. Investigate the strengths and weaknesses of your personal union. They will be different from those of any other couple.

We are built differently and we think differently and that means we have differing capabilities. Marriage is not a contest, it is a union, a collaboration, a team, unified to more often than not produce offspring, nurture them to adulthood, and provide each other companionship, assistance, love, stability, and comfort not for a month, not for a year, not for many years, but, for your lives together.

Do your own experimenting to educate yourselves about this gender chemistry. But, also seek advice from those happily and successfully married for a long time. Search reliable sources which explain the differences between you and how to deal with them. By ignoring the differences you will be destined to be destroyed by them.

There are so many sources, you may have to research for sources before you can do your actual research on the subject. Nobody said it would be easy. But, using the sources available and the search engines of today it is so much easier than it was. There is no excuse not to put forth the effort.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I marvel when I see what is pedaled for entertainment on television - "Marriage at First Sight?" Really? The idea that anyone would participate in this insanity is just beyond comprehension. To think that two people that have never met would actually, legally marry each other because three "experts" thought it would work is indicative of how we are at the end of Western civil society. The idea that licensed "professionals" would seriously participate in such a farce tells us how far we have strayed from sanity. They should be stripped of their licensure for malpractice.

The whole concept cheapens and degrades the institution and meaning of marriage. But, I guess that may have actually have been the goal all along. They certainly have succeeded in doing that. Congratulations. See the chapter, "The Enemies of Marriage," later on in the book.

This gives you some concept of what you will have to deal with when searching for, living with, and staying together with your spouse. These professionals are supposed to be setting the standards for us and guiding us. Standards, guidance, and platitudes like this we do not need.

* * * * *

But now, after my diatribe, here is a surprise. As despicable as these shows can be, let us not dismiss them entirely and throw them into the trash bin of madness. Could these misguided productions have some lessons for us?

For what it is worth, I actually recommend that you and your spouse or future spouse watch shows like "Marriage at First Sight," "Arranged," and even "Naked and Afraid." I am sure there are more, but I just don't have the stamina anymore to watch them all. They are not all equally valuable to you. You will have to decide for yourselves which produce the most useful information for you.

The productions are perfect showcases of the differences between men and women that were just discussed. The interactions on almost every episode illustrate how differently the members of the couples perceive each other, their environment, and how to solve problems.

Observing their strengths, weaknesses, biases, and attitudes is critically important for couples to watch, discuss, and comment together. How marvelous it is to watch how the synergy or lack thereof between the two leads to success or failure.

Another very interesting correlation with the "Wise Words" becomes clear. Acknowledgement of transgressions, apologies, and requests and offers of forgiveness brought about by the extreme stress of the circumstances are not much different from similar scenarios in a marriage. Observe them carefully and learn from their mistakes rather than your own.

The power of the learning to be gained is revealed as much by what is beneficial behavior leading to success as it is by harmful behavior leading to failure. The contrast between the male and female thinking is illustrated in a clear presentation that is difficult to find in any other circumstance. The fact that there is a sense of realism intensifies the learning.

Equally revealing in the presentations is how strong the bias and preconceived notions of the opposite sexes are between some of the contestants. This becomes clear when they overlay prerecorded interviews of the contestants done alone with the visual presentation later.

Away from their partner, each member reveals attitudes that they harbor and don't initially express to each other. We find what they really think of the opposite sex before they have even met their partner.

It is not uncommon for the women to anticipate that they will be treated as subservient members and men to assume that the women will not be able to hold up their part of the endeavor. This obviously is a very poor place to start any association, even though sometimes their rash presumptions emerge.

These are deadly biases to bring into a team and equally harmful to bring into a marriage. Don't. You will easily notice how negative the entire collaboration becomes when the union begins in this manner. This is baggage that must be checked before entering the nuptial, never to be brought home.

The exposure of these biases is stark and actually frightening at how destructive the behavior is to the success of the couple to reach their goals. Little progress is made when the couples bring these notions into the team and the same will be true of introducing them to your marriage.

* * * * *

Many couples enter matrimony with little or no appreciation of the effort necessary just to provide for the basics of life – what the puzzle pieces are and how they go together. "Naked and Afraid," is a superior illustration of how difficult life can be when the magic of modern technology is not there. Overconfidence and arrogance quickly melt into humility and diffidence. This is not an insignificant lesson to learn when embarking on your voyage.

* * * * *

One last observation of these episodes can be made. Many contestants expressed extreme confidence, even cockiness, and arrogance that they will master the challenge only to feebly "tap out" before completion. They sorely misjudged their capabilities based on their past experiences and found the challenge so much more difficult than they anticipated. They lacked caution and humility and misjudged the difficulty of the task that lay before them. Do not assume this attitude of arrogance for you will soon discover that the challenges of matrimony are substantial.

Be cautious not to underestimate the effort necessary to form a successful marriage. Life and marriage will invariably present to you crosses to carry that you could not even imagine at the inception of your bond. I know. Be prepared to rise to the occasion if that becomes the case.

I may be alone in my praise of the value to be gained, but I believe that the presentations can be useful toward showing real life examples of following and violating many of the principles delineated in the "Wise Words for Married Folks."

Give the shows a try with this new perspective and view point. If you believe they are useful, you may want to invest in a recorded version so you can pause and discuss what transpired on the screen. I think that if you do, the lessons will fly off the screen and provide an effortless education to you both. It is okay to cuddle while watching and don't forget to duck. And, guys, no ogling at the bare butts. You are supposed to learn, not get into trouble.

**Chapter five: the 60/40 Rule**

bigstockphoto.com

This is a very important rule to follow, an easy one to remember, but not an easy one to execute. I have observed that a person's perception of the importance of his contribution to a group accomplishment can be somewhat inflated. It just seems to be built into our psyche that we think we work harder, contribute more, and accomplish more than our partner regardless of what the division of labor may be.

To believe that you are regularly providing more of the effort for the success of your union than your partner on a regular basis can be very destructive. Since this bias is many times perceptual rather than actual, you can see where it might lead, especially if you both have the same feeling.

This is where the 60/40 rule can help. The 60/40 rule can help compensate for this sometimes erroneous impression and therefore circumvent potential conflict.

The rule is:

For whatever endeavors you and your spouse undertake, each strive to sincerely, willingly, and gladly provide 60% of the effort without animus and be content to have your love provide the other 40%.

If you both perceive you are providing 60% of the effort, that adds up to 120%. The 20% extra corrects for the tendency you each have that you have contributed more than your partner. Now you should both be convinced that you are sharing in the effort equally. Problem solved.

In reality, if you truly love your partner, you should not need the 60/40 rule since you would naturally rejoice that you are making life easier for your love by contributing more. But, just in case, apply the rule anyway. Consider it as insurance. Every love affair needs a little helping hand occasionally.

Also remember that the percentages can be varied based on factors such as the nature of the tasks, the size of the tasks, the capabilities of each partner, disabilities, and differing personalities. The percentages do not have to be permanent and can be changed for special conditions or from task to task. So, customize the rule to your own circumstances.

One factor that can scuttle the rule is underestimating the difficulty or the importance of a task or entire series of tasks that one partner does alone. This is a common pitfall that the husband will often overlook. Sometimes the wife will also.

Being a stay-at-home mom and homemaker is very difficult, complex, and exhausting work. It is surprisingly easy and just as deadly to underestimate it. Just the three jobs of food shopping, cooking, and laundry for a family of four or five or more can be overwhelming. In addition, there are dozens of other tasks, as well.

Show appreciation. Share the load. That is not difficult if you follow the "Wise Words." You don't believe me? Just take on the three jobs yourself for a month, if you can last that long. Yes, take it on for a month. A week is not enough. In thirty days, you will kiss her feet or any other body part she prefers. Now go out and get 100% of the work done by doing 60% of it with a smile and a kiss, well, a laundry basket full of smiles and kisses.

If you want the right woman, be the right man.

If you want the right man; be the right woman.

**Chapter six: Life's Priorities, Loyalties, and Allegiances**

Sometimes, especially when we have known someone for a long time, we think we know everything about them. This exercise will help avoid "gaps" in your knowledge of your loved one prior to or after making the big decision.

The exercise is not difficult nor time consuming nor involved. It requires each of you to independently list major categories of life's allegiances and place them in the order of importance to each of you and then comparing and discussing differences and commonalities together.

Simple?

As an example, let us say you have a best friend and you value that friend's advice above almost every one or every thing. Your future partner should know this because the high placement of this person on your list of confidants might be a cause of concern for them – or maybe even a deal breaker.

The categories presented are not exclusive or all inclusive. You can make your own. Also the categories are listed generally. You may want to personify the categories by using "Mary" instead of "Sibling."

You and your love may find some surprises on the list. If that is the case, some serious discussions may be in order to resolve the issues. Better now than later. Please be aware that this list is neither permanent nor static. It will change as your lives change and you mature and as individuals and groups move in and out of your lives.

Assure it is updated and refreshed to keep your love refreshed. Keep your eyes open for other aides from other sources that can help to side step dangers to your bond.

How important are the following allegiances to each of you? List them with the most important priority or allegiance at the top of the list and the least important at the bottom of the list. Compare your list with your love's list and discuss over a quiet evening, alone. Get comfortable, have a snack, not dinner. You don't want any distractions.

Your reading device hasn't gone crazy or your vision failed you. I tried to mix them up so that my arrangement and your arrangements won't influence your choices. I am not sure how these will print out on your device. So be patient with me.

If you can't negotiate this little exercise, how are you going to get along for a lifetime?

Don't rush it. Allow a couple of hours, maybe three.

No alcohol.

Be nice.
SPOUSE GOD / DEITY / DIVINE LAW

WEALTH, MATERIAL GOODS, COMFORT

MORAL LAW ETHICAL LAW

JUST LAWS OF GOVERNMENT

CHURCH or RELIGIOUS DOCTRINE

POWER, INFLUENCE COMPANY / EMPLOYER

NEIGHBOR CLUB OR GROUP SELF

ACQUAINTANCE

STRANGER

ARCH-ENEMY, SATAN

OPPONENT

ENEMY PARENT / OFF-SPRING

SIBLING

BEST FRIEND

OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS

BUSINESS ASSOCIATE / PARTNER

FRIENDS

**Chapter seven: Living Together**

(After you are married, of course, Hm, I'm showing my age)

This subject may sound simple. It is not. So, don't overlook it. Its negative consequences can be monumental. Before you attempt to tackle it, go back to the "Wise Words." If you sincerely believe in them and follow them, then much of this subject will resolve itself – self-denial, respect, compromise, loving your partner unconditionally . . .

Your goal all during your courtship was to be together always. Then your wish comes true – you know, "be careful what you wish for, it may be granted." But, soon, you find that your partner has different habits than you do. It doesn't sound like much of a potential problem until you try to think of any family of children that is happy with living with their siblings. Sure, they are not married, and they didn't choose to live together but everyone seems to be annoyed with the habits of everyone else.

I will warn you, I may not be the best person to advise you about this subject. It is truly amazing, but my dear wife, Phyliss had no annoying habits or idiosyncrasies and she overlooked all of mine. You will probably not be so lucky in your marriage. But, I can try to offer some useful suggestions.

I believe an excellent technique to use is to have each of you make lists of concerns that you have. Grade the lists with items that are of most concern at the top and of least concern at the bottom. By doing this, you will convey to your partner those items that are severe and those that are a concern, but not so serious.

You should both easily agree to accommodate each other for the items at the bottom of each list. By placing them at the bottom of the list you have each proclaimed that they are not of great importance to you. If you cannot compromise on these items, each of you print this card and stand in opposite corners of the bedroom facing the wall on one leg until one of you cries "uncle."

Of more serious consequence and therefore more difficult to resolve are items at the top of both of the lists, especially if they are contradictory and game changers. A good example is one partner being a fastidious housekeeper that hates a sloppy household and the other partner being a slob like "Pigpen" in the "Peanuts" cartoon. The big difference here is this would not be a laughing matter.

These examples are games and cartoons. Marriage is neither. Left unresolved, these wide differences will certainly result in major tension. If you love each other, you must compromise. Serious issues will not rectify themselves. They will just get worse and lead to other disputes and they in turn to others. Work hard at solving them up front. Marriage is not easy. Life is not easy. Every decision in both is a compromise. You are in love? You wanted to get married? Those are not just words, my friends. They are serious commitments.

* * * * *

In treating this subject, don't miss the bigger picture. "Living together" does not just mean only resolving what goes on "in" the house. It begins with "where" the house is and "what" the house is.

Where the house will be is tough. It's a big world. What country, what state, what neighborhood, near her parents, near your parents, away from both sets of parents, in the middle of nowhere, in the mountains, on a farm, in the country, in the suburbs, in the city, near her job, near his job . . . Don't make assumptions. Figure it out jointly and amicably. You might be surprised where your spouse may want to live or may not want to live. Talk about this before you get married. It might be a "game changer."

What the house is will be is no easier. Will it be a palace, a large modern house, a small colonial house, a duplex, a condominium, a new contemporary house, an old fix-me-up house, a house boat, an apartment, a trailer, a "dump, a cardboard box?" Don't laugh. As my Aunt Lucy used to say, "It's not even funny."

In answering both the "where" and the "what," don't make assumptions. Discuss everything. Invite comments from your partner. Enthusiastically, solicit their opinion and their views. Do not suppress or ignore their opinions and their views. Enthusiastically offer your own thoughts. Don't agree to a quick acceptance on an issue from your partner if you sense some doubt. Discuss it thoroughly and look for misgivings. Remember, "A person swayed against his will, is of the same opinion still." (Benjamin Franklin) It does no good to "coerce" initial outward agreement if it goes contrary to a strong opposing belief held by your partner. Be alert for this situation. Superficial agreement now may manifest itself into permanent and damaging disagreement later. The solution is, of course, to settle it now and not "kick the can down the road." You may stub your foot quite badly.

Say what is on your mind. Explore every aspect. Be a good listener; no, be a great listener; be the best listener. Remember. You love each other. Don't forget it. Problems and disagreements not solved now will fester and will need to be solved later, with much greater difficulty.

Chapter eight: Achieving Compatibility in Intimacy

Entire books have been written about this subject by vastly more qualified authors than I. Seek them out, read them and garner what best suits you as a couple. Remember as you attempt to master this difficult subject with your spouse, always observe the "Wise Words" while researching, learning, and applying what you learned.

That having been said, I could not resist putting in my "two cents." You probably guessed by now my engineering mind is already conjuring up an opportunity to develop still another of those dreaded lists.

In our "sexually liberated" world you might think that by the time many get married they already have a full understanding of the qualities and preferences about intimacy of their spouse either by discussion or (ahem) by participation. (Did I say that?) Regardless you may want to construct these new lists to use as a tool for achieving compatibility. (Did I say that too?)

These lists should follow the pattern outlined in the chapter on priorities of life with the change of emphasis to intimacy in marriage. The same format should be used placing the highest preferences of each spouse at the top of the lists, the items that are not necessarily strongly preferred or disliked in the middle and the least desirable items or even forbidden or taboo items at the bottom of the list. Items should be described in unambiguous terms and in detail so there are no misunderstandings. The activity, the method, the timing and place should all be outlined.

The lists should be exchanged and reviewed and a frank discussion should take place. Be prepared for some surprises for both desires and prohibitions. When the lists are completed, each spouse should check the other's list to see if there have been omissions of items that they prefer or of items that they want prohibited. The lists should be modified to reflect changes that have garnered mutual acceptance.

The lists should not be static. As intimacy in the marriage progresses changes should be made accordingly. Some activities can be added. Others eliminated by preferences. Pleasurable experiences can be accentuated and experiences that are disliked can be minimized. This process may be in need of considerable "negotiation."

This subject is of great importance and if it is not addressed it could have a huge affect on other important aspects of the marriage. Dissatisfaction with intimacy in marriage does not stop at the bedroom door. A less than satisfactory situation will affect all other relationships with your partner. You must achieve happiness and satisfaction if your union is to survive.

Who knows, maybe the discussions of preferences and prohibitions might just be an erotic exercise unto itself? Oh, my.
How to make your wife happy:

Love her, Kiss her, Hug her, Satisfy her, Compliment her, Listen to her, Be next to her, Help her, Talk to her, Understand her, Make sacrifices for her, Buy her presents, Talk nice to her, Cry with her, Laugh with her, Spend much time with her, Take her out, Go wherever she wants with her, Don't bore her, Tell her often that you love her.

How to make your husband happy:

Have sex with him; Give him food; Give him beer.

I'm just kidding . . . sort of.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

To keep that flame of early love alive or even prevent it from going out, it wouldn't hurt to listen to the song, "River" composed by Joni Mitchell and sung by Janet Devlin. In particular contemplate and execute the verse that says:

"He loved me so naughty, made me weak in the knees."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Two things are important for the couple to remember. Happiness and satisfaction are not the same for the man and the woman. It is important for the man in the union to remember that his partner sometimes, maybe many times, requires just some gentle cuddling and caressing to feel satisfied and loved. The woman in the union needs to understand that for her husband intimacy is not just a means to have children and when they arrive you say, "Okay, my job is finished." "Thank goodness that's over." He's not going to go away that easily. He needs constant stroking. The two of you are going to have to understand this basic difference and accommodate each others needs. That's why it is called a sacred union.

The two paramount concepts that must be present are communication and compromise. Remember communication can take many forms. My "lists" of do's and don'ts do not have to be sterile physical check lists for such a complex subject. Likes and dislikes can be communicated any way the two of you desire or feel comfortable – a facial expression, body language, sounds of approval or disapproval, a gentle push away, or a benign pull or aggressive tug or anything in between. It is not enough for one of you to communicate a desire and the other has to affirmatively or negatively respond. Never ignore an attempt to communicate. Always respond. Then, compromise if necessary. You love each other, don't you?

At the risk of assigning stereotypes, I will convey the following observations. The husband and wife usually have quite a differing view of intimacy.

The husband has been "wired" from birth to complete a one-hundred yard dash. A little warm up, take the stance in the starting blocks, sprint after the crack of the starting pistol, run all out, cross the finish line, and then bask in the victory, by relaxing from the exertion with the dog while watching the game and having a few brews to re-hydrate.

On the other hand, the wife needs to prepare for what she believes to be her 10 kilometer race. Thoughtful preparation, stretching, and limbering up are necessary to prepare for over an hour endeavor. There are no starting blocks and when the gun sounds there is no frantic effort to leave the starting line. After all, this is a long distance event.

If the husband does not acknowledge this difference and forces his wife to participate each time in the sprint she will gain no satisfaction and loose interest very quickly.

The only satisfaction she will receive is the relief that the race is over until the next time. Each race becomes less and less satisfying until she no longer wants to participate at all – not good for either partner.

If you want intimacy to be a continuing satisfying experience for you for the duration of your marriage, you have to make it a satisfying experience for her. It's not just about you, bubba. You love her don't you? There is that four letter word again.

Last night I watched a movie on the "Lifetime Movie Network." I know. Why would I do that? I have no idea. A seemingly normal man and apparently normal woman met in a hotel/restaurant/bar and had dinner. After, they went upstairs to have "dessert." The next morning they declare their heartfelt "love" for each other, and he proposed marriage, yes on one knee. She responds, "Little olde me?" Okay, yes. But, can we have "dessert" again before we leave. I'm not sure where they got the ring. They apparently did not need this book or these lists to determine compatibility. It appears I wasted my time writing the book, and you wasted your time reading it. But, just in case, make your lists anyhow.

"Here I come dear, ready or not." (Did I really say that?)

Chapter nine: the Marital Danger Signs

In the first part of this book I stated, "It is important to be cognizant of the two groups of forces that will potentially destroy your marriage. They are forces that come from within your marriage and forces that come from outside your marriage." I introduced the "Wise Words" to help strengthen your bond to counter these forces. But, we are all flawed humans susceptible to human frailties. If internal or external flaws form cracks in your union they most likely will appear as one of the manifestations listed below. Early detection and remedy may be valuable in avoiding deterioration or dissolution of your marriage.

Any appearance of a number of these signs may be a cause for concern for the health of your relationship, but be cautious they may just be attributed to "having a bad day." However, continued occurrences or more severe behavior will necessitate serious discussion, and a search for a possible remedy or remedies for the behavior. Increases in the number of different behaviors and greater frequency indicate more immediate attention to find the source(s) of the problem. You may want to try it as a preventive aide to avoid disaster or a diagnostic tool to help remedy a developing problem.

The origin of this list, I am so ashamed to admit, are my own shortcomings and failure. Due to Phyliss' health, my health, work, and finances, the stress was causing me to become uncharacteristically impatient with Phyliss. (About the eighth item on the list) This was an impatience that was not justified, warranted, nor deserved. I knew there had to be a change.

One day, without Phyliss' knowledge, I sat down and developed this list as an adjunct to the "Wise Words for Married Folks." I would read it often until I no longer needed to read it to insure that I would not violate any of the principles again and cause my love anguish. It worked. I was not perfect in my goal, but I tried my best and made remarkable improvements. It was such a feeling of accomplishment. It was so rewarding. I did it on my own. I restored our private heaven. And, I returned Phyliss to the life she gave me and deserved. As always, Phyliss didn't need the list, and I never showed it to her. She was truly remarkable. It was one of the few secrets I kept from her. I guess she knows now. I am sorry, my dear. (See "Wise Words" and my needing to be "taught the song of love.")

Speaking of songs here's some more advice from Janet . . . Sometimes we can receive wisdom from unlikely sources. In this case, it is gifted to us by a twenty-year-old lass named Janet Devlin, from a tiny hamlet in Northern Ireland. In her debut album called "Running with Scissors," she writes and sings a work entitled "Things we lost in the Fire" she says . . .

"There's no smoke without reason; It's a sign there's something wrong,  
In my lungs there's a poison; I've been breathing in too long,  
There's no "I", No "I" in "we"  
And there's no "you," No "you" in "me"  
Cause I've been burned way beyond the third degree"

Making you aware of these danger signs may help you avoid Miss Devlin's premonition. You don't want to even get close to "There's no "I" in "we"; and there's no "you" in "me."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ai5lCfZnNlc

  The red flags

That can cripple matrimonial harmony

A beginning of criticism of small, then larger issues

"Why do you always have to wear your hair like that?" "I don't like it like that."

"Why are you always over your mother's when you know I need you here?"

A rise and increase of him vs. you arguments

"Why did you have to rearrange the furniture?" "It was just fine before."

"You have nothing to do all day." "I have to go out and work all day."

A realization special occasions / quiet moments no longer are mutually shared

Traditionally pleasant outings become a source of conflict not enjoyment.

An unwillingness to allow you to grow and improve

"Why spend all that money on sewing lessons when you can buy the stuff cheaper?"

"Why do you need to go back to school to get your degree?"

"How are we going to pay for that?"

A habitual or even occasional mocking, especially in front of others, even in jest

"When Susan is in the kitchen, she needs a warning label on her back."

"Harold doesn't know what end of a screwdriver to use."

A difficulty or uncomfortableness being "you" in her presence

Suppressing effervescence for fear of criticism of being too outgoing by your partner

"I'd love to do karaoke, but Harold doesn't want me to."

An expression of unkind behavior toward you, the children, others, or pets

"Susan is so skinny, she disappears when she turns sideways."

"After we got married, Harold turned into a fat slob."

"All the gals in your card club are witches."

An uncharacteristic and increasing impatience with you

Didn't you hear the phone; do I have to do everything around here?"

"How long does it take you to get dressed? We are going to be late."

A reluctance to be alone with you or your family and friends

"I won't be here when your family comes" "I have a lot of other important things to do. You take care of them." "After all, their your family, not mine."

A rise of criticism of your family, friends, habits, or behavior

"Your whole family is so annoying." "It's embarrassing having them around"

"Can you stop putting your clothes in my closet?" "Don't you have enough room?"

An abruptness and annoyance are the norm. Patience is a lost sentiment.

A loss of tenderness and intimacy

Communications previously beginning with "dear," "honey," or" sweetheart" no longer do.

Touching, caressing, fondling, kissing, and eye contact are thing of the past.

An inability or unwillingness to see your viewpoint or your pain

"So you didn't get the promotion." What's the big deal?"

"Why are you so uptight when the boss yells?" "Suck it up. Everybody has problems."

A disregard and dismissal of your thoughts or opinions

"That's a stupid idea." "That will never work." "What do you know about it anyhow?"

"You really don't know what you are talking about"

A disinterest in your activities, affairs, goals, achievements or trials

"Since when are you taking swimming classes?" "Why would you do that anyway?"

An appearance of accusations that you can't do anything right

"No matter what it is you do, you make a mess of it." "Can't you do anything right?"

A significant increase in disputes over finances or other issues

Heated discussions occur frequently of making, saving, and spending money all the time.

"You are spending too much money on clothes and shoes."

"You are spending too much on your car."

"What are all these items on the charge card, again?"

A disappearance of former thoughtful gestures and kindnesses

Forgetting birthdays, days of endearment, and special days for the two of you

Disappearance of little gifts, surprise dinner's out, staying with just you, not the boys.

A cessation of expressions of mutual admiration and praise

No more, "You look especially beautiful today," or "I love your hair like that."

No more, "You are a marvelous wife (husband)." "I am so lucky to have you in my life."

A parting or ignoring of formerly mutually agreed goals

"What do you mean; you haven't been taking your birth control pills?"

"I thought we agreed we would have two children, not five?"

"I've decided we should sell the house and move into an apartment."

An increased desire to participate in activities with others, especially without you

"Didn't I tell you I'm in a bowing league?" "I am positive I did." "Yeah, every M,W,F night plus tournaments all around the state every month."

A loss of the early moments of love and respect

No more rushing home to be with his love – no sadness when separating – no more thoughtful acts of kindness and endearment – no anticipating your needs or pain.

A sudden taking action on important issues without discussion or consultation

"I decided to get a new car." "I always wanted a Jag." "Do you like the color?"

"I've had it." "I quit my job." "I'm not sure what I want to do." "I've always wanted to be a long-haul truck driver."

A making of new friends without your inclusion in the friendship

"Mark, Jean, and I went to that new restaurant." "Oh, I met them at the bowling alley."

"Didn't I tell you about them?" "Yeah, they are great and so interesting!"

A newly found obsession with substance abuse or pornography

"Cocktails help me relax." "The gal on the cover is hot?" "You should see the centerfold." "Before you put out the trash, I'll have another scotch, little more ice this time." "That white stuff on my shirt?" "It's baby powder."

A change in long-standing habits or routines

"I'm going out to get some cigarettes." "I'll be back in a couple of hours." "I told you I started smoking a while ago." "You just don't remember." "Don't you ever listen?"

A suspicion that secrets are being kept

Question: "Who was on the phone?" Answer: "It was Jake, from State Farm."

Question: "What was that envelope from another bank?" Answer: "It was delivered to the wrong address." "Oh, it was the wrong number."

An unwillingness to communicate, discuss or resolve conflicts or problems

"I am just under too much pressure right now to discuss it. Maybe later"

"Nothing is wrong. There is nothing to discuss. Why do we have to debate everything?"

"Why can't we just drop it?" "There is nothing more to talk about." "I am going for a walk to clear my head." Incivility is common.

An inordinate concern of unequal work distribution and contribution

"When something has to be done, I always have to do it. You don't do anything."

"You walk the dog. That's your job."

"I have been doing all the work while you just sit around and watch."

"You can see I am struggling." "Why can't you get up and help me for once?"

Continual disagreements on disciplining the children

"I try to discipline him and you always undermine that discipline."

Hang up the gloves . . .

Or maybe put them on,

Whichever works better.

No low blows,

Well, if nobody's looking,

Why not?

Just remember,

You still love each other.

Don't you?
A few notes about the danger signs:

Please don't either of you go around the house being distrustful, paranoid detectives seeing a scoundrel behind every door. You are married; you are supposed to trust each other. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Many actions and behaviors can have completely benign origins. Occasional occurrences can be signs your spouse is just having a bad day.

But please don't be blind, gullible, or stupid. If many of these anomalies are present, extreme, and considerable changes from the norm, keep on the alert. Be vigilant. Listen to the "little voice" in your head. It is usually smarter than you are.

Also, in communications between any two people, especially those in love, word content as described above is not the only factor that triggers a danger sign. What cannot be expressed in words, but equally, possibly more importantly are the tone, the volume, the attitude, the body language, the timing, and the frequency. Many times these secondary characteristics of a response convey much more meaning and force than the actual content of the words. These all communicate to that little voice in your head that tells you something is not right. Look at the whole picture.

Once the alarm is sounded, calmly and lovingly discuss your concerns with the love of your life. Do not be accusatory. Be kind and no alcohol and above all follow the "Wise Words" in executing your discussion. Print out two copies, and subtlety put them on the table before the discussion. Just their presence during the discussion will give a message. Use them if you have to, but, sometimes just their being there can do wonders. It gets the attention of your spouse and says this is a serious concern that warrants serious discussion. It conveys the intent that the discussion and its outcome are important to the both of you.

If she or he refuses to talk, add to the list of "danger signs." Absolutely nothing will get resolved without honest communication. The item on the list about communications can scuttle all attempts at resolving all the others. This is very important and can be the biggest barrier to resolution of an important matter. An armistice cannot be reached if there is no one on the other side of the negotiating table.

Remember the timing of the discussion is important. Eliminate distractions. While multiple items on the list can be discussed at the same time, it may cause confusion and cross conflicts. If possible, limit each session to one or two items. If too many issues are covered at the same time, it may be difficult to tell which issue caused an unsuccessful encounter. By all means discuss multiple problems concurrently if they are related in some way.

At the end of a successful encounter, suggest a schedule for covering other items. Part with upbeat attitudes as the friends and loving partners that you are. Better yet, don't part, canoodle. I love that word.

Chapter ten: The Marriage Ship is dangerously close to the shore

Or, oh my, already on the rocks

I am not so sure how helpful this chapter will be to those of you who may be in this predicament. Once Phyliss and I boarded the "love boat," in 1956, we never landed on the rocks. Actually, we never even came close to the shore. Now that I recall, I don't ever remember seeing land.

I was going to say we were so lucky, but luck had nothing to do with it. We were on a remarkable ship being guided by an equally remarkable captain, Phyliss. I will try to convey what I believe were some factors that made that possible. If it can help even a few find their way back to calm seas, Phyliss and I would be so pleased.

Communications and Motivation

I know I mentioned communications in a prior presentation to enrich and maintain your marriage. I mention it here again as a much more serious and urgent subject to master. A number of times, I tried to treat communications and motivation individually, but found that they were so intertwined, I could not. It's like the Doris Day song, "Love and Marriage, you can't have one without the other," if you can remember back that far.

Motivation: You must both be certain that reviving your marriage and the moments of early love are a mutual goal.

Don't try to deceive your partner that he or she is imagining that you want to separate, if you are not in love any more. Avoidance of the issue is the same as lying. Life is too short. Confront the issue head on. Don't be in denial. You must be truthful to your spouse and yourself. It will come to a head eventually. Don't prolong the agony.

A marriage cannot continue without honesty. All the counseling, discussion, and debates are worthless if one or both of you is secretly harboring a desire to quit. This is the motivation part. No problem will be solved without mutual motivation. Once it is determined that one or both of you are no longer anxious to stay together, try to see if the factor(s) that have caused the flame to die can be eliminated. Then, try to rekindle it.

Many times a marriage finds itself in this condition because of poor communication skills on the part of one partner or both partners. Remember the book, "Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus?" They really are. We don't think alike. We don't communicate alike. And, we don't interpret speech and body language alike. You must be cognizant of this fact, make allowances, and accept it before you continue.

We have functionally dissimilar brains that produce widely varying perspectives of the same reality. Don't deny this. Find out what these differences are that may be driving you apart and make allowances for the contrasts in perception. Each of you cut the other some slack on this one. Otherwise it can be the "elephant in the room."

There is no doubt you are physically very different. Let's face it, it was a major reason you were attracted to each other. Why is it so difficult to accept that your brains are not the same as well?

How is it that not too long ago the two of you were loudly proclaiming your love and loyalty for each other in front of God and those closest to you, and now you cannot make even a feeble effort to validate that love and loyalty?

Don't you have even a tinge of embarrassment that those in attendance during your big day will question in whispers, "What kind of people adamantly declare their love for each other and now they don't want anything to do with each other?" And, they will think that. The answer will not be pretty. Try hard, please.

Communication:

No problem or series of problems can be solved unless the parties communicate well – honestly, without deceit, and with sincere desire to solve the problems.

Some couples never communicated well. This will be a hard road to navigate if that is the case. Ideally, communication skills must be learned, inventoried, cataloged and practiced to be used for the "big" moment. This is the big moment, folks. It is not an ideal time to learn to swim when you are drowning in a fast-moving river. But, if you must, do.

Some couples communicated well at first but, something went wrong. Try to find out what it was and correct it before advancing. Do not go past go and do not collect $200 until you do.

In all of this, don't forget the "Wise Words." The tendency is to think that these words no longer are relevant when a marriage begins to falter. Don't believe that. The "Wise Words" are particularly important, possibly more important than when things are going well.

Surely, some of them will not apply as well. Some may not apply at all anymore. But, please don't discard them. Just look at them in a new light, but still use them to help reconcile your differences in an atmosphere of civility, and respect. The two of you are not the enemy. The enemy is whatever or whoever is driving you apart. Remember, there may be multiple enemies and they may be the two of you. Yes, you may be your own worst enemies standing in the way of your happiness and not realize it. The enemy is the void after a contentious separation and divorce. Don't doubt that.

Finally, accept the possibility that maybe staying together may not be the solution. Be starkly honest to each other about this. But, please do not make this the first solution. Make it the solution of last resort. Many couples, especially the woman find themselves in a less desirable place emotionally and financially after a divorce than before. What is that about going from the frying pan into the fire? You don't want that. Neither of you should want that.

A divorce is a grueling, long, expensive process that destroys lives, families, enriches lawyers, and impoverishes the participants financially and emotionally. Reconstruct your marriage to make it work more smoothly if that is what it takes. Many difficult changes may have to be made, but honestly compare them to the alterative. Keep in the back of your mind: It is not just about the two of you.

The Children:

Don't forget them. They will suffer far more than the parents.

Don't deceive yourselves into thinking that they will not suffer more than you (plural). You cannot possibly believe that the strife and potential divorce will make their lives better unless the environment in the home has become irreversibly toxic. You are their parents; you should be their role models; you are the adults. Shape up, act like it.

Do you want your children to remember you as uncaring and cruel and unable to manage your own affairs? I didn't think so. How will you maintain any level of authority and credibility after such a calamity? That is why there is so much finger pointing afterwards. Neither party wants to own the cause of the divorce.

Make their well-being be the major motivation to improve the living conditions in the home and to reconcile without pain or disruption. The reconciliation will actually be a positive learning experience for them and for the two of you. Reconciliation will prove to them that you still love each other and love them more than your self-centered goals or interests. It will teach them how to remediate disputes in their lives as adults. "Sure, my parents had their differences, but they worked them out and compromised for the good of our family." "My parents are my heroes!" "They rock!"

Never disparage each other to the children. It places them in the middle forcing them to choose between two people they love. It is a cruel and selfish thing to do for your own aggrandizement – not nice, folks, not nice at all.

The children must have a seat at the table. They should be seated at the head of the table. Their little voices are still weak, but the words that come from those voices can have so much wisdom - many times, more wisdom than yours.

Their voices need to be amplified not silenced. Don't shut them out as if they did not have a stake in the game, like disinterested bystanders, insignificant little beings, unaffected by the turmoil, or as if they were invisible. They are not. Oh, are they not. You know they are not.

Don't let their voices and their concerns be ignored and fade unanswered into the abyss of conflict. Listen to the cries of those you created from your seeds. How can you not have compassion for these innocent souls that you brought into the world? They are you.

Do not treat your children as "the kids," some homogenous mass. They are individuals with distinct and differing personalities and varying degrees of emotional stability and skill to handle conflict. Their age differences and previous status, and roles in the family must be acknowledged and considered in the resolution. This is so complex when it involves children, it should provide a major incentive to avoid the conflict in the first place. Think of that.

Assembling the troops for "battle"

Don't. Don't assemble the troops and don't do battle. Whenever human conflict arises, each side musters its "army" in preparation for the battle. Family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, even strangers are screened for "enlistments" to support each side's viewpoint before the confrontation. Divorce becomes the ultimate personal war between two people who madly loved each other at some previous time. How sad is that? How is that even possible?

This drama is not on the television screen in a far away land or in a studio, it is in your home, your living room, your bedroom. It doesn't get much more personal than that. But, it might as well be displayed on movie screens around the world. Everyone that matters and many who don't, will know.

Stories, tales, rumors, some true, some half-true, some not at all true are circulated among the perspective "soldiers" to garner advantage and deflect blame. This is not about blame. It doesn't really matter who is to blame, if you love each other and your families. What matters is the "armistice," the peace, the truce, the cease fire, the cessation of hostilities. Wouldn't it be so wonderful if the armistice could happen before the war even started – before anyone even knew there was going to be a war?

You will always find persons who will support your point of view. What does that do? You have not only ruined your marriage but you have forced everyone who knows the two of you to take sides – to love you and hate him. You have ruined that part of their lives that involves you as well. You may even succeed in having them hate you before it is over. And, yes that includes the children and their circle of friends.

They will be forced to be drafted into the war that no one wanted as well. How terrible this would be. It is not just about the two of you, it is about everyone in your world. The collateral damage the two of you have caused is unimaginable. What a motivation for an armistice this should be.

Start over . . . together?

Sure, why not a new romance? Pursue new attitudes, new activities, new behaviors, new situations, new everything. Recreate the moments of early, passionate love. Avoid previous places, people, activities, and behaviors that you know instigated and fueled the conflict. You know what and who they are. Sure you do. Don't lie to yourself and your partner. Both of you discuss and agree about what and who they are and how to eliminate or avoid them from your lives. They are not inside your bubble. Bubbles are small and delicate, they burst easily.

Stay away from them and start over. It will require sincere compromise and sacrifice. Wipe the slate clean, refresh the screen. Start the voyage again. Reboot your relationship. Please.

There is a commercial on television for some special, shall we say, lubricants, and I don't mean motor oil.

Scene one: Sitting up in bed: the couple have smiles on their faces giving testimonials of their "pleasure" with the "lubricating" products.

Scene two: At the front door: the husband is at the door with an anticipatory grin on his face, announcing he is there to clean the pool. The wife insists they don't have a pool. The husband hesitates, drops the pool stuff and says he is going to come in anyway and he does. He bolls her over and she gladly gives herself to him with a look of passion.

Scene three: Back to the bedroom: the wife says next week she is going to play the part of the maid.

It is cute, humorous, and a little silly. But, not so fast, silly is not so bad. Silly beats divorce by a pool's length. Much can be learned from silly humor. Become a pool man or maid once in a while. Don't be so serious. And you might get the house and the pool cleaned.

This chapter is called, "Start over?" Maybe the commercial has a serious lesson. You don't have to role play. But, starting over is not such a bad idea to get rid of old habits and hang-ups. It might work for the two of you. You don't even need a pool. It may be just what your marriage needs to "slip" out of trouble. Don't forget the lubricants and I don't mean motor oil.

Found a new "love?"

Before, bad: Finding your love was so difficult. You don't want to have to do that again. Do you? Oh, so you have already found a "new love?" Is that good or bad? If you found that new love before parting and they were the cause of the dissolution - naughty boy or girl. Be ashamed of yourself. It is not right. It is not moral. It is not ethical. And, you know it. Your little voice told you that but you did not listen. And, most likely, it won't last.

After, not as bad: Fine, the two of you mutually agree to go your separate ways. What do they say – irreconcilable differences? It's a big, long, complicated phrase that is hard to spell, and pronounce especially after a few drinks \- "irreconcilable differences." It has an equally complicated definition. In my dictionary, it is listed under "bullshit." It means one of you or both of you were lazy and not willing to put in the effort to make it work. No children – it's your problem. Children – it becomes their problem.

OK, I guess, I will go along with your charade. But, if it must be so and it is mutual and amicable, then let it be so. But, please don't let that irreconcilable difference be another "hot honey." The hot honey will "cool down" and when she does she will not be so sweet. Your first "honey" will not look so bad after all. What kind of trust can you have with your new "honey" when she knows you cheated on your old "honey?" Oh, you say she had an old "honey" too? Please.

If parting must be so, find that other person, that other love, after the dust from the storm settles and your vision improves. Don't let her be the cause of the storm. It is just too painful and heartless. You are not that cruel a person, are you? Leaving your loyal spouse is terrible enough, but leaving her for another is just plain cruel and despicable. Don't do it.

Chapter eleven: "Run like hell"

I keep going back to Janet Devlin and her haunting lyrics:

"Better Run, Better Run, Better Run, Better Run Away"

Most of the "guidance" in this little book has been oriented toward a marriage, friendship or association that is afloat, functional, and reasonably intact. Remember that. If your association does not meet those descriptions and is "off the scale," – you know, severe emotional or physical abuse or worse begins, or is, or has been the norm, this guidance is not going to help your "union." Your relationship is toxic and you need to change the channel without hesitation.

If this is the case, pack your bags with essentials, grab the kids, take your cell phone and laptop with you, but don't use them. Buy another throwaway phone and use your laptop off line. Find a motel, hotel, or shelter (not a friend's or relative's house). Find a lawyer, take measures to protect yourself and your children, (use your imagination). Withdraw cash. Give your credit card one last use for essentials. Shop away from your usual sphere and not near where you intend to "hide." This will help misdirect any attempt to search for you. And, pursued you will be.

If there is a firearm in the house, I cannot advise you what to do with it. That will be determined by you based on your knowledge of your "partner," your level of fear, and your skill. I would personally, at the very least, unload and disable it if you can safely and place it gently in the toilet tank in the least used bathroom. (Not in the toilet bowl, please) Hide the magazine and ammo elsewhere.

Stop using all your credit cards and any other vehicle or device that can be traced to your new location. Throw away, turn off, or stop using anything that has GPS tracking in it – Auto clubs, cell phones, security services, pet trackers, child trackers, or "On Star." Solicit the help of trusted friends and family remotely using your throwaway phone. Disappear! Make David Copperfield proud.

Don't give away your whereabouts to anyone you don't trust with your life. Create your own witness protection program. Keep the kids out of school and don't go to work for a while. Your "partner" will be pissed and will find you through them and others who know you.

Only then go through the worthless "restraining order fiasco." The restraining order will help as a deterrent since it is on record whom you fear. Remember the restraining order is a piece of paper just like this book; neither will stop the infamous "blunt object," fists, knives, or bullets. Burn into your memory the phrase, "There is never a "cop" when you need one." They rarely prevent a crime, they only record the aftermath and generally maintain a reasonable level of civility and law and order in society. This is not the movies. You can admire Clint Eastwood all you want, but he won't be there to save you, dear.

But Joe, the "Wise Words" suggest granting forgiveness. I am so sorry to tell you this is a circumstance where they don't work at all. If the abuse happened once, it will certainly happen again and again, only worse each time.

However, remember, expect a "sincere" apology. When the apology is given and you cannot immediately leave, do this. Cross your fingers and toes, then honor your commitment to the "Wise Words" and grant forgiveness willingly, sincerely, and generously as if nothing happened. Then, when a "safe" opportunity arises, run like hell, as if your life depended on it! It just might.

Don't bother with the pet or the more expensive car in the garage. Those losses will really anger your "partner." Don't take his car. You may want to hide his keys to give you a head start. At this point he almost certainly cares more about the car and the dog than he does about you.

Don't do anything that will instigate more anger or revenge. Seek and take the advice of the domestic violence division of your local police department or state police.

Isn't it awful that this discussion has to be put in a book about having a happy marriage? It is not just awful, it is tragic. How did we get here? Now, can we go back to having a "happy marriage?"

Chapter twelve: The Enemies of marriage, Yes, Enemies

What a strange chapter title to have in a book about pursuing happiness in marriage?

Certainly, I believe most people can agree there are many among us who see little or no value in marriage and prefer to seek out other lifestyles of their liking. Their preferences may originate from a wide variety of circumstances. Their origins are only important to them. They don't concern us. It is their prerogative. And, it is the responsibility of all of us to insure that they can pursue their preference unhindered.

That's why they make vanilla and chocolate ice cream and that is a major reason why we live and choose to try to stay in a free republic. To live the life we choose in peace and without interference from individuals, groups, and especially the government are the foundations of a free society. At least, they used to be unchallenged precepts.

Because I have a preference for chocolate ice cream, it seems illogical and quite outrageous that I would advocate the elimination of vanilla ice cream. It seems more outrageous and despicable that I would vehemently forbid its manufacture and distribution and lobby the government to use public resources to implement the deed.

If we are to preserve our faith in a timeless institution that has its origins and foundation back to the beginning of time, we must realize that today, there are those among us that do not believe as we do and will use any means they can to interfere with our right to live free and practice our beliefs - in this case, the preservation of the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman. Some go a step further. They want the institution of marriage itself destroyed. They prefer vanilla ice cream and don't want anyone else to have chocolate.

How ironic, it is that the same groups of people that want to destroy marriage for one classification of people fanatically support it for another classification of people – not too hypocritical is it? When I say fanatically, I mean fanatically. When the attempts to voluntarily win the minds of the people fail they resort to coercive legislative or even worse judicial control funded by the public purse. The methodology has been so effective, that seeking voluntary cooperation has been totally abandoned – accept our view of the world or we will destroy yours.

This accusation sounds a bit extreme doesn't it? It is not. Most of us are unaware of how radical and powerful these people and groups are, how they have infiltrated our society and our government and how hostile they are to our time honored traditions and institutions. They won't go away until they get their way.

The reason that most you who are reading this don't really give this much attention is that they are not trying to appeal to you, the masses – you poor misdirected females, and males, who want to get married and live happily ever after. That is why you are not fully aware of the attack. They operate in the shadows, in the halls of our institutions and in the bowels of the government. Stealth and guerilla warfare are their methods.

They know they cannot win you over in the public forum. They have tried that. They know that you have and will soundly reject their philosophy. So they infiltrate the corridors of power, both governmental and private to co-opt regulatory power to get you to conform to their directive – to dance to their tune, and you unwittingly are made to fund the dance.

These radical women and their misguided conspirators are accomplished, well-known, respected, adored, and worshipped members of academia, the media and society. They are award-winning, well-funded, well-organized and influential where it counts – at the top – not in the ranks with us. We have rejected them and their bankrupt and hateful philosophy.

They have responded by performing an end run, by out flanking us to control us with government and domination of the public discourse, and to brainwash our children under the banner of fairness and tolerance. To them tolerance and fairness are not universal precepts. They are a hypocritical one way street to use as weapon against anyone that does not think as they.

They don't want a debate. They don't want compromise. They want domination. They want to shut-down discourse and eliminate any dissenting voices. They want you to shut up and conform or just go away. If you don't agree with their philosophy and their agenda, you are the enemy and you must be destroyed. Where do we see this insidious philosophy in the world? Do radical Islam and Nazism sound familiar?

This is a perfect example of the forces described from without that is a danger to your marriage. You cannot protect yourself from enemies you didn't even know exist. They exist.

You are still not convinced of the danger to your union, are you? Read the quotation below. As you do realize this is not a quote, not just words.

This is a philosophy of life, a directive, a call to arms, a battle cry, and an obsession. While we are prancing around oblivious in our magic bubble, their army is making the rounds using every means to burst our bubbles. These are vicious and hateful people.

If the hate, the sickness, the venom of that statement does not scare you, I don't know what will. This is not about ice cream flavors. This issue is about our lives, our way of life, our freedoms, and the very foundations of our civilized society. These people are social terrorists.

I am not sure how these people who have been so oppressed, abused, held down, discriminated against and held as a slave, at least part of their lives have become so world famous, well-off, and adored. Hm, strange, strange indeed. I guess it is magic.

It is like our president being elected to the pinnacle of political power in a country where the majority of voters are biased and racial bigots. Hm, strange again. It seems it is possible to declare and convince people of your declarations, that America is a racially bigoted country and yet have these same bigots elect a minority to the highest office in the land. I guess you can have it both ways. More magic, this time black magic.

Robin Morgan

She looks harmless enough. She isn't. She grew up.

And, Shirley Temple she is not.

"We can't destroy the inequities between men and women,

until we destroy marriage."

"All the discriminatory practices against women are patterned and rationalized by this slavery-like practice."

Robin Morgan

Gee, that sounds like hate speech.

tanzanitesdream.blogspot.com

Use the power of the government – the public purse –to shut down any dissenting voice

A picture of discontent women who will not be content until all other women are as discontent as they

"My white skin disgusts me. My passport disgusts me.

They are the marks of an insufferable privilege bought at the price of others' agony

If I could peel myself inside out I would be glad.

If I could become part of the oppressed I would be free." (but still rich and powerful)

Robin Morgan (a real sweetheart)

Some people in our society are not happy unless they are destroying something.

I guess you all can throw this book in the trash.

I could have saved all that time writing.

You could have saved all this time reading,

We both could have saved all that time getting married.

* * * * *

I guess we are to believe all wives die

because they can no longer tolerate the bondage by their spouse.

This is truly sick and depraved thinking to be imposed on the masses.

I am not sure, but I think this photo is an early one of childhood.

I think she is probably the one on the right.

Her hair style hasn't changed much and neither has her disposition.

The poor little girl on the left is destined for a life of slavery and subservience.

My dear friends, I am so sorry I had to put this chapter in the book. I am not sure what can be done about this scourge on our society and our lives besides expose it and hope that clearer thinking presides. There must be a mental health term that describes such self-loathing and hatred of everything and everybody that does not agree with you. But, comprehending it is to complex for my simple mind.

If I am to give advice on how to achieve a content and lasting marriage I have the obligation to at the very least to alert you to the dangers that lurk around us to destroy that marriage.

I guess it isn't difficult enough to try to have a successful and happy marriage. We have to deal with people who want to destroy the institution of marriage itself because of something unpleasant that happened in their unfortunate lives.

Excuse me for a moment,

I'm going to finish my chocolate ice cream

While it is still legal and before it melts.

browneyebaker.com
Chapter thirteen : A little levity

As the song says, Lord whachadoin' to me? Thank You. That horrible chapter is over.

The subject matter of this book is so important that I may have made it overly serious to illustrate that importance. Even though the book is short, I am certain you said to yourself, this is good, Joe, but lighten up a little. I did not mean to imply that love and marriage should be devoid of frivolity. Happiness, silliness, levity, goofiness, playfulness, and just plain fun are essential. Laughter, childishness, tickling, and giggles are so important too.

But, I cannot write a book about how you achieve that happiness. Once two lovers have a rock solid union and a union that is unshakable, then from that point anything is possible for them. Come on, guys, you have to do some of the work. I can't do it all for you. Use your sense of humor and enjoy yourselves. You don't have a sense of humor? Get one, please! Enjoy every moment of your time with that wonderful spouse whom you picked to spend your life. Remember, there are no guarantees of how long your lives will be. Live each minute in happiness as if it is your last.

I am sure you have realized by now my engineering mind likes to make lists. It is my way of outlining an important issue for comprehensiveness and communicating it to those around me. Sure, follow the guidelines that are outlined, but don't forget the fun. Once you are secure in the essential stuff, the fun should come naturally. The following is a feeble way of injecting some jest or silliness into this monumentally important subject.

When is the right time to tell your wife you love her?

(Note: I am so sorry for offending by using the references to

Christmas and Thanksgiving.

But, seriously, suck it up.)

When your wife is angry with you

When you are angry with her

When you first see her in the morning

When you last see her at night

When you see her without her make up

When you see her with her new hair-do

When you see her without her hair

When you first see her after a long absence

When you first see her after a short absence

When you find a positive pregnancy test in the trash

When you find a negative pregnancy test in the trash

When your wife tells you she is pregnant

When the baby is born healthy

When the baby is born unhealthy

When your wife tells you she lost the baby

When your daughter tells you she is pregnant

When your son tells you he is going to be a father

When you are going to have sex with her

When you had sex with someone else

When you don't have sex

When your wife works hard

When your wife relaxes

When your wife is joyful

When your wife is sad

When your wife is crying

When your wife is sick

When your wife tells you she doesn't love you any more

When your wife tells you she betrayed you

When you tell her you betrayed her

When you ask forgiveness

When your wife asks forgiveness

When your wife asks you to take out the trash

When she tells you to look through the trash for her wedding ring

When your wife asks you if she looks fat

When your wife asks you if her sister is more attractive than she

When your wife asks you if she looks sexy

When your wife asks you if you think your secretary looks sexy

When you get a new, better looking secretary who can't type

When you say you worked late and didn't

When you give her a birthday/anniversary/Christmas present

When you forget to give her a birthday/anniversary/Christmas present

When your wife gives you a birthday/anniversary/Christmas present

When her mother and father are getting a divorce

When your mother and father are getting a divorce

When neither is getting a divorce

When your wife tells you her mother is visiting . . . with her dog & new boyfriend

When your mother-in-law moves in with her dogs & her boyfriends

When your wife asks you to change the baby's diaper

When your wife asks you to change the babies' diapers

When your wife asks you to change her diaper

When your wife tells you she had an affair

When you tell her you had an affair

When your wife asks you, "what is a "ménage à trois"?

When your wife tells you she thinks Bill Clinton is cute

When Congress is in session

When your wife asks you if you would like to try "bungee jumping"

When you have lost your job

When you can't find a new job

When your children get their drivers' licenses

When your children don't come home

When your children do come home

When your daughter tells you she wants a "huge" wedding . . . in Paris

When your children live with you and they are thirty-eight

When the alcohol is missing from the cabinet

When your wife tells you that she needs a new kitchen

When you tell her you need a workshop

When your wife serves you snails

When your wife tells you she is going shopping and takes the credit card

When your wife says the car was towed to the shop, but nobody was hurt

When you take the car out of the garage . . . with the door closed

When you park the car in the garage . . . with the bikes on the roof

When your children are screaming

When your children are not screaming

When your wife is screaming

When you are screaming

When everyone is screaming

When the dog eats her wedding ring

When the dog eats your dinner

When you eat the dog's dinner

When the dog throws up your dinner on the carpet, or worse

When the basement floods

When the basement floods . . . again

When the roof leaks, over your bed

When you are ready to watch the "Super bowl"

When the "Super Bowl" is over

When you go (you fill it in) with the "boys"

When you return from (you fill it in) with the "boys"

When you're caught lying

When your wife burns dinner

When you burn dinner

When you both burn dinner on Thanksgiving Day

When it is bedtime and the sheets are still in the washer

When your neighbor buys drums for his boy for Christmas

When there is no hot water

When there is no water

When the power is out

When the sewer backs up

When you leave the toilet seat up

When you eat beans

When you don't replace the toilet paper roll

When the toilet clogs before Thanksgiving dinner

When you run out of toilet paper before Thanksgiving dinner

When the car won't start . . . again

When your daughter discovers boys

When your son discovers girls

When your daughter discovers girls

When your son discovers boys

When you discover girls

When you discover boys

When the police call you

When you call the police

When you call the fire department

When you sleep on the couch

When you start going to confession regularly

When your wife starts going to confession regularly

When the city converts the house next door into a half-way house

When your wife asks you if you still like the house

When your wife asks you if you think the bathroom is big enough

When your wife tells you the neighbors got a swimming pool . . . and she likes it

When the swimming pool is above ground . . . and your dog likes it

When the cable TV is not working

When the ice maker doesn't make ice

When the heater doesn't heat

When the air conditioner doesn't condition

When the washer . . . and dryer won't work

When the internet is not working

When "Amazon" goes out of business

When you go into your tornado shelter

When you come out of your tornado shelter

When your wife asks you which tattoo you like and where

When your daughter has a lot of boy friends

When your daughter has no boy friends

When your daughter buys loads of clothes

When your daughter doesn't buy any clothes

When your daughter starts wearing flowers in her hair

When your daughter starts shopping at "Victoria's Secret"

When you find birth control pills on your daughter's bureau

When you don't find birth control pills on your daughter's bureau

When your daughter starts wearing her underwear on the outside

When your daughter doesn't wear any underwear

When your daughter gets a tattoo that can't be seen in a bikini

When your daughter gets piercings that can't be seen in a bikini

When your daughter elopes with the drummer boy next door

When your son fails gym

When you find marijuana plants growing in your back yard

When you don't find marijuana plants growing in your back yard

When a meteor is headed for earth

When your child is sick

When your child is dying

When you are dying

When your wife is dying

When you are both dying

When your wife bakes you something wonderful

When nothing in particular is happening

Every single day . . .

for better or worse,

for richer or poorer,

in sickness and health,

for as long as you both shall live.

I love you, my dear.

A Little More levity

If some of these quotes and cartoons seem familiar, you folks might want to have a little discussion with your spouse about the "Wise Words for Married Folks."

"I ain't afraid to love a man; I ain't afraid to shoot him either."

"I would like to see every woman know how to handle guns as naturally

as they know how to handle babies."

Annie Oakley

(Now that's what you call a real liberated woman, not like those other pansy asses)

Oh, how I love this gal!

* * * * *

He didn't like the casserole, and he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard, not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right; he didn't like the stew.

I didn't mend his socks the way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer; I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him,

Like his mother used to do.

Author unknown

(Obviously, by another really liberated woman)

* * * * *

A little boy saw his parent's wedding picture and asked his father:

"Is that the day mommy came to work for us?"

Author unknown

(Fellows, now, this makes the previous two quotes a lot more meaningful.)

* * * * *

"Women marry men hoping they will change.

Men marry women hoping they will not.

So each is inevitably disappointed."

Albert Einstein

(How little faith you have, Mr. Einstein; stick to splitting atoms not couples.)

Between men and women there is no friendship possible.

There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

Oscar Wilde

(I have to respectfully disagree with Mr.Wilde.

Perhaps the hedonistic view of the world expressed in

"The Picture of Dorian Gray" clouded his thinking?)

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

Chapter fourteen: "Some final thoughts"

After sending the announcement of the publication of my books to my high school colleagues, I very quickly received kind and positive responses from a number of my contemporaries. It boosted my morale considerably. I had a series of e-mail exchanges about life and love with one classmate in particular. In one of the exchanges she said she was anxious to read the books and quite casually commented,

"You had one true love for a lifetime.

It took me a lifetime to find my true love."

It was only a six sentence e-mail. I thought it was very kind of her to take the time to respond to the announcement.

I finished up some work, and since it was late and I was so tired, I decided to retire for the night. It was a week filled with the sadness of the one-year anniversary of Phyliss' death, a depressing MRI, two doctors' visits, the celebration of "All Saints' Day" with the remembrances of loved one's past, and the end of the unusually beautiful summer and autumn weather capped with the first cold spell and an all day and night wind driven rain. The fun of Halloween was over and I could not eat the left over candy and the cat doesn't like it. Even the endless Christmas commercialization had been going on for over a month.

An exhausting day had melded into a heavy week, had culminated in a depleting month, had completed a depressing year, and had terminated a monumentally debilitating decade. To say I was spent would have been a monumental understatement.

As usual, my exhaustion did not bring tranquility and sleep. Two restless hours, a lorazapam, and a glass of wine finally shut down my racing mind. Also, as usual, at 4:00 a.m. my brain turned back on at full throttle. This has been when most of my thinking has taken place after Phyliss died.

The sentences, "You had one true love for a lifetime." "It took me a lifetime to find my true love" which had earlier entered my mind and quickly exited were now embedded in my brain, replicating themselves over and over again. I came to the realization that the two short sentences were profound. Well, that was the end of sleep that night.

I finally learned it was senseless to fight the insidious insomnia as I had done so many other nights. It was time to surrender to Microsoft Word and let it pick at my brain. So here we are: me, my computer, my runaway brain, and my uncooperative body that was dragged unwillingly out of bed. "Wait, Joe, stop at the bathroom first." "You don't want to have an accident."

I began typing and realized the enormity of the first sentence: "You had one true love for a lifetime." I had been lamenting that I had not met Phyliss until she was thirty – all those years lost. "But, really, Joe, you were a teenager when you met." "How much sooner could you have met her"? It was then that I realized the magnitude of my greed and of my good fortune. "What if I had not met her until I was sixty or later?" I really am the most fortunate man on Earth. She fell from heaven in the dawn of my life and stayed with me until the sunset. I was still a kid when she came and a senior in years when she left. There were no wasted years.

As I thought more about true love, I realized this subject involved heavy and substantial thinking. I thought I should take a blood sugar reading, get something to eat, and maybe stop at the bathroom again. I was going to be here for a while.

I tried to write about all the aspects of love that entered my mind in an attempt to define it, discover it, and to keep it based on my own experiences. I thought, "Maybe if I can write down these thoughts before they leave me, I can help some young people avoid . . . "taking a lifetime to find their true love." Wouldn't that just be "peachy" as Mrs. Paterson would say?

It is ironic that in the early nineties Andrew Lloyd Weber presented "Aspects of Love" on Broadway and it was considered the biggest failure in Broadway history. A presentation about the most sought after commodity on earth, love, by a world famous writer and composer was a complete flop. That is our world. Even though the piece was not popular, it is indisputable that indeed, "love changes everything," as the title song declares.

While Weber concentrated on all "aspects of love" between couples, parents and others, my nocturnal thinking naturally focused on marital love, the love with which I was showered for half a century. I decided that's what I would try to feebly capture here in my nighttime ramblings. "If I am going to be awake in the middle of the night, I might as well make myself useful."

My first thought was that if one is going to search for, find and keep love, it is necessary to define what it is, or what the expectation is. You cannot send a research vessel into the ocean and tell the captain to search for something, if you cannot describe it to him, or her. They won't find anything, if they don't know for what they are searching.

Likewise, it will be difficult, if not impossible, to find love, if you don't know what it is. It has different definitions for different people. And you and your partner must have similar concepts of what love is. To make life more complicated, infatuation can be a clever imposter of love, posing as the real thing, only to reveal itself much later when it is too late. And, to make it even more complicated yet, infatuation can turn into love. Are you confused yet?

Something else to remember: The sequence of defining, searching for, and finding love is not fixed. My realization came in an altered order:

I followed a most indirect path to arrive at our unusual love. I was infatuated with Phyliss from the first moment. My infatuation turned to love. After I was in love, I realized, after the fact that love was what had afflicted me all along. I didn't know what hit me. It was a crazy sequence, but I arrived. This "A" student was apparently a slow learner, got everything backward, and yet passed the course. It was remarkable.

It was not so much with Phyliss. The indirect approach was never Phyliss' style. Phyliss liked me, she befriended me, she loved me as a son, she loved me as a man, and then she loved me as a husband for life. It was a straight line - one, two, three, four, no definitions, no detours, no intermediate stops, no confusion, direct, to the point, always growing, never ending, until her last breath. It was pure Phyliss. It was as if we took two different roads, I through the brush and on dirt paths, and she on the turnpike, to arrive at the same destination. How can one man be so fortunate?

The path is not the same for everyone. You need to make your own personal map and follow it. Just remember you will need a copious measure of luck and Devine guidance. We had both in abundance. Once you have made your map, defined love, searched for it, and found it, you will realize that those were the easy parts.

Love is not static. It is organic. It has all the needs of a living thing. It is a living organism. (No, I didn't say orgasm, but it wouldn't hurt) If you take it for granted or ignore or abuse your love, it will wither and die. It must be constantly cared for, fed, and nurtured for it to live and grow. It must grow and not diminish. It cannot stand still.

It cannot be neglected, even for a short period. Never forget those feelings of early, passionate, exciting love. Don't become complacent. Poke your partner if they do become complacent. Poke yourself if you do. Always be mutually on your guards. Refer to the danger signs of losing your spouse. Be on alert. If any of the signs appear, aggressively address and correct them. They are the enemy of your love affair.

Remember how you pursued your sweetheart in the dawn of your love - how you could not think of anything or anyone except her. So, now that you have "captured" her, you are "comfortable," you can stop pursuing her? I don't think so. It should not be so. A devoted husband should never stop trying to show his spouse how much she means to him even after he has found her. And, stop being so indignant; it works both ways, my dear ladies.

* * * * *

Another classmate read the book and commented that the "Wise Words for Married Folks" were impressive, but to follow them you would have to be perfect. I gave his comment a few moments to be absorbed by my aging brain cells. I started thinking, "He might have a point." But, then I reconsidered.

Two of items on the list allow for imperfection: (1) "Always, admit it when you are wrong; and ask for forgiveness." And (2) always grant forgiveness willingly, sincerely, and generously." You need not be perfect if there is a mechanism to preserve your love in the event of imperfections. The "Words" withstood another test.

I am sorry to say, eventually all love is lost. It could be just a voluntary parting of ways or it could be a forced loss like mine. Both are painful especially if the voluntary parting is not mutual or because of betrayal. There is no easy way to absorb the pain.

"Time will heal" is an overworked adage. It is not the time that heals. Don't sit looking at the clock. The clock has no healing powers. It is not going to happen. You must make it happen. I am learning that there is a great deal of healing power in distraction and replacement.

When you lose your love there is a huge vacuum or void left. A vacuum does not exist in nature and it is not beneficial that it exist in your life. You must fill that vacuum with another love or else you, yourself, will be sucked into the black hole that is left, never to be seen again.

The void doesn't have to be filled with another person. It would help immensely if that did happen, but it is difficult. I have not learned how to do that. You may. But, tread carefully, quickly filling the void with another can be dangerous and cause additional pain. When a vortex in water is filled rapidly, it does so violently. Fill the void slowly, carefully, thoughtfully.

When love leaves, many times clear thinking and vision leave with it and vulnerability arrives.

This is where time can be your friend. I mentioned that time does not heal, but it does distance you from your loss and places you in the world of clearer thinking and less vulnerability. Time can create a way-station where you can gather your thoughts and try to cope with your loss and decide the meaning of the rest of your life. It can be a slow and painful process unless by some miracle you are fortunate a second time. Don't count on it.

In my case I have tried to fill the void with documenting the memory of Phyliss. My new love has been to honor my old love through the books I am writing so she will live after I am gone. So far it has sustained me long enough to move me to a place of clearer thinking, even though it has not healed the wound. The books have served the dual purpose of allowing me to survive my loss and honor and remember my love. Buy one, get one free as they say.

So you lovers and potential lovers out there, do your homework, be diligent and find that true love and enjoy the glorious ride for the rest of your lives.

THE ASPECTS OF LOVE

Define your meaning of love

Search for true love that meets that expectation

Find your true love

Maintain and grow your love

Ignore the world rather than each other

Keep your love with you always

Survive your loss of love

Remember and honor your lost love

Fill the void, if you can

Love again in Heaven forever
Chapter fifteen: Epilog - "30,062,880"

To complete this little book for a happy marriage I have decided to include a short excerpt from the book of our lives, "My Teacher, My Bride. The excerpt is presented here to illustrate how valuable it is to make the most of your time with your love. It is not infinite. Your time with her could be very limited. Savor and enjoy its blessings because when she is gone, she is gone forever. Make it a glorious trip and have not a single regret when the time comes. And, come it will.

Six months after my love died, I was sitting on the couch with Rusty. He had transferred his not-so-quiet purr and his constant, amatory stare from Phyliss to me. He generously comforted me, but I was still very depressed and tearful, thinking of Phyliss' passing and all I had lost. A strange dreamlike string of thoughts circulated about my mind about the finality of her last breath, and curiously, about the first day we met, fifty seven years prior.

That day in her eighth grade classroom, when I showed her one of my pastel paintings, and she first became aware of me, I imagined an angel tapped me on the shoulder after I went back to my seat. I had a broad smile on my face. The angel reached back and removed from behind one wing a tiny debit time card with a lighted display. The display read 30,062,880. I thought this was very strange, since there were no such things as debit time cards with lighted displays in 1956. For that matter, I don't think there are any today, either.

I was very confused since I had not seen many angels around the school and not one tiny debit time card with a lighted display. The card showed the number "30,062,880." The angel saw my bewilderment and began explaining that Miss Crudo and I were destined to be together for the rest of our lives. That pleased me, but, truthfully, we just met. So, my confusion continued. My goodness, we barely knew each other. How was this possible?

She then further explained that the number "30,062,880" represented all the minutes the two of us would be together starting with the moment she first saw me. Since I was so enamored with Phyliss from before I met her, this overjoyed me. I said to the angel, "that number of minutes is really big and must represent an entire lifetime." The angel responded, "Exactly, Joseph, that's precisely the intent."

"You and Miss Crudo will be together until one of you dies." She gave me no further explanation or details. I looked down at the card again in disbelief, and when I looked up, she had disappeared as mysteriously as she appeared. There wasn't a gust of air, a sound, or even a feather left from her wings. It was as if she had never been there.

I didn't like the sound of the dying part, but then again, those were lots of minutes. After all, at that point in my life, I had only been alive for 7,358,400 minutes. The amount of minutes on the debit time card was huge in comparison. The possibility of the number of minutes running out was nothing to worry about. It was so far into the future. My young mind could not imagine that amount of time. It seemed like forever. It was forever to me.

It appeared that Miss Crudo did not see the angel and did not know about the card. I thought that was strange, since she always knew everything that went on in her classroom. It became my secret and no one else's.

Over the years, I treasured the card and looked at it often. Even though the minutes were constantly passing, it always had lots and lots of minutes still left on it. As life progressed and became more complex, I didn't look at it as often, and then, very rarely, and finally, not at all. Eventually, I actually forgot about the tiny card. I could not even remember where I put it. All that was important was the angel was right. Phyliss was always with me for every one of those minutes.

Fifty-seven years after the angel appeared, I was standing by Phyliss' lifeless body in the Hospice wing of the Memorial Hospital in Mt. Holly. Her only movement was the slow, silent, gentle rise and fall of her chest. She was peaceful, but her breathing became somewhat labored for a few minutes. She arched her back ever so slightly. She took an unusually robust and deep breath.

For ten seconds, there were no additional breaths. It was frightening. Then followed an even deeper breath, as if she knew it would be her last. It was. She took no more breaths. I stated the obvious in a feeble and unsteady voice, "I think Phyliss just died."

The nurse appeared, as if by magic, and put his finger to her neck. He said, "Her heart is still beating." His statement took me by surprise. It gave me a strange, impossible hope that she had not died. The beat he felt was from the same heart that had caused her stroke eight years prior.

It seemed it wanted to continue giving her life to make up for the suffering that was caused by its brief malfunction. It had only gotten tired just that once in eighty-six years, but so much damage was done in the short time it lost its steady rhythm. Fifteen seconds later, the nurse announced that her weary heart had stopped as well. My senses had not fooled me.

My life-long love was gone. I knew this moment was coming for oh, so long. But, nothing could prepare me for when it did. I am at a loss to express the darkness of the sudden void that was left. There is no escape from the emptiness. It never leaves. It never diminishes. It never heals.

At that terrible moment, I felt someone reach into my pocket from behind. When I turned, no one was there. But, there was something in my pocket. I reached in, and to my amazement, I pulled out the tiny debit time card with a lighted display that I had misplaced so many years before.

The display was still lit and blinking . . . but all the numbers were zeros. At that moment, I realized, I had used up all of my 30,062,880 minutes with my love without even being aware of it. The seemingly infinite number of minutes was gone, and there were no instructions about how to obtain more.

With no warning, after exactly one more minute, the display stopped blinking and ominously turned black. There were no buttons to push, no way to turn it back on. The little card that so faithfully had counted the minutes of our lives together was as lifeless as Phyliss. She had left the world, and she had left me.

* * * * *

You know, my friends, there was no angel, and there was no tiny debit time card with a lighted display. However, in life remember, all of us who love someone deeply are, in effect, given a form of tiny debit time card with a lighted display. We just don't know it was given to us, and we are not privy to how many minutes are on the display.

We will never know in advance when the display turns to all zeros,

starts blinking, and turns ominously black.

* * * * *

You will not know how many minutes remain until they are all gone. I know. I did not.

Use every one of your minutes with your dear love wisely and lovingly.

Because my dear friends, one thing is unchangeable and inescapable for all us mortals.

When she is gone, all the riches on Earth will not buy you . . .

one . . . minute . . . more.

Time is not always our friend

The Bet of a Lifetime

A vignette about my bride, Phyliss

In Rome, on Friday, December 13, 1968 at noon, immediately after I married Phyliss, a man approached me in Saint Peter's Square and offered me a single bet. It would be winner take all. If I won, I could have anything in the world I wanted, without restrictions. If I lost, I would have to give him everything I owned or would own in my lifetime. Was this a saint or the devil? I did not know. Strangely I agreed to participate. What an opportunity to change my life, our lives.

I prepared to liquidate my earthly possession, everything – house, car, furniture, savings, clothes – everything and sign away my rights to future riches.

He would give me one golden casino chip with no expiration to use for the bet.

* * * * *

The bet to be made had two choices:

It was a single shot - no repeats - irrevocable - sort of like an ominous coin toss.

Heads I win < > Tails I lose

The bet was:

Choice number one:

During her lifetime,

Phyliss, my new bride of only an hour, would disappoint me,

betray me in some way,

or cease to give me her unconditional love,

even for one moment, even one second.

Choice number two:

The next day, the sun would not rise.

With complete confidence and without trepidation or hesitation,

I placed my bet on number two. The next day the sun would not rise.

* * * * *

The next day the sun did rise. But, to complete the bet, we had to wait 45 years. At the moment of her last breath on Tuesday, October 29, 2013, at midnight, Phyliss still had not disappointed me, betrayed me, or ceased to give me her unconditional love not even for one moment, not even one second.

Neither condition of the bet had come true.

Had we both lost?

Neither the man nor I was able to collect the bounty.

Oh, but did I ever win the bet.

Joseph P. Badame

© Copyright 2015

All rights reserved.
"What a wonderful world it would be . . ."

If everything was not just about me

If we had only the vision to see

If we could just let it all be

If daily bread for thee was shared by three

If we could genuinely be free

If in this world there was only glee

If compelled we were never made to flee

If we could all engage in repartee

What world of wonder it would be . . .

If for even a moment we could spend on one knee

If for each enterprise we created a grand prix

If there were so much more we than just me

If each dire appeal did not oblige a plea

If did not every good deed require a fee

If our affairs marshaled honesty

If a child imperfect transcended a priceless pedigree

If true love eclipsed disability

If honor was not returned with mendacity

What a wonder the world would be . . .

If every request was responded with, "Mais oui"

If calls for help were returned with, "Oh, si, si"

If impossibility was confronted with yes, siree!

If faith replaced shameless hypocrisy

If piety supplanted spurious religiosity

If each transgression were met forgivingly

If matrimony could defeat infidelity

If He became more important than thee

If she honored he, and he honored she

What a wonderful world it would be

Joseph P. Badame

2015

"A final question for you to answer"

What is the rarest, most valued, most uncommon, sought-after thing in your life?

Think for a while.

This is a most provocative question with almost as many answers as there are people on earth or who have been on earth. But over the centuries, few have had even an idea of what a meaningful and thoughtful answer to that question was or should have been.

The answer has been and could be anything depending on whom you ask.

Many are physical things. Some are intangibles that have no physical manifestation – they can't be seen or touched, but yet they are real.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It could be vast quantities of gold, silver, or platinum or some other rare element.

The answer could be the rarest and most flawless blue diamond or many of them.

It could be an elaborate house fitted with all the goodies of life or even many such houses scattered around the most desirable sites in the world.

Power, and influence - lots of it, has appealed to many and will continue to do so.

World-wide adoration and worship, deserved or, more often, undeserved would rank high on the list of some, as history has shown.

Groups of monks would say solitude and tranquility are the ideal – to be left alone.

Masses of the earth would ask for the mundane, but the essential - food, clean water, clean air, and a safe place to live and sleep – how simple and basic, yet taken for granted by we who have been most fortunately showered with abundance.

The answer of health of body and mind would certainly rank high on the list.

Many would say a day without physical or mental pain.

Not an uncommon answer would be to be respected by others.

For many poor souls that which is most sought after is sight, hearing, mobility, breathing, independence, a body free of disability and disfigurement.

Even quick and painless death is sought after as a valued commodity for many.

Well, I think by now you get the point.

God has granted us unlimited gifts, and we have abused those gifts so that the list can go on to infinity. But, did you notice that all of those desires listed had to do with self.

I want something, everything – me, me, me.

Implied, but never stated in the answer is that granting the gift to you, it is denied to someone else. God has granted us a great deal, but our existence on this earth is a zero sum game. That for which we ask is not unlimited. The more we take for ourselves is less there is for others. No one of us would answer this question with another question. If I am granted my wish will it diminish others? No one would ask that.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Without realizing it, what would make most individuals the happiest is not something that they want – something they desire, but rather something that is given to them without asking without encumbrances, without cost, without reciprocity.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I was among the very few fortunate that was given that something at a very young age. I did not ask for it, I didn't even know it existed. It was a gift without encumbrances, without cost, without reciprocity.

The gift was the constant, unending, devoted, and unconditional love of another human being – my most extraordinary wife, Phyliss.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Many times when this gift is offered it is ignored, unappreciated, underappreciated, rejected, or declined for various reasons. Sometimes this magnanimous act is summarily rejected in a most vicious and callous fashion. But, occasionally, not often enough, it is recognized and welcomed with joy and returned in equal measure.

That becomes heaven for both.

So as you seek out your spouse be discerning. Ask yourself, "Is this person capable of giving me that gift of devoted and unconditional love, and am I capable of returning it in turn - for a lifetime?"

For you see, if you both cannot answer that question enthusiastically in the affirmative, then maybe you should search for the answer to the original question we started with from the list above – gold, a house, riches, power – take your pick.

You will be much happier.

I wish you every success on your search.
A note from the author

The guidance contained in this little book is based true experiences, with some excerpts from the book, "My Teacher, My Bride," written about my life-long love affair with "Phyliss." I hope you found some usefulness and wisdom in this short story of "Life's Little Book for a Happy Marriage." If you were enlightened, my friends do not thank me. Thank Phyliss, for I am her creation. It is her uncommon wisdom you have just witnessed not mine.

Everyone is gratified when others seek them out for advice. They are even more gratified when they are able to offer useful advice to solve their problems. This is your chance to do just that.

Please tell your friends and family about this book and have them download it, read it, and encourage others to do the same. It will edify their lives and the lives of those around them. It may just be the best gift you will ever give to them by far. They will love you for it.

* * * * *

If this short book appeals to you, I encourage you to seek out the master book. It depicts a great deal of happiness but also some sadness. But I believe it contains some lessons that will further enrich your life. Please give it a try.

"My Teacher, My Bride"

A memoir and love story

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/483616

Most fondly,

Joseph P. Badame

Contact Information

Email: jpbadame@verizon.net
Phyliss

The only one who made my life in this world worth living

my love, my inspiration; rest in peace with our Lord.

She may look like she is smiling for the camera.

Actually she's in love with the cameraman.

"She's Gone"

When the lonely night ends and releases its hold,

I awake to the cold and barren bed beside me.

My senses scream to me, she's gone!

Yet, my heart whispers, she's not;

But, my pain shouts, she is!

Oh, the heartache,

another day

without her

tender

love.

now,

"we"

is

"I"

Joseph P.

Badame

2015
Books Published by Joseph P. Badame

So many books, too little time

Thank you for your interest in this book. Below is a full list of the e-Book Library authored by Joseph Badame. My goal has been, and continues to be, to present enjoyable yet serious reading among the literary static of today while highlighting important life lessons originating from the wisdom of my late wife, Phyliss and from my heart.

"My Teacher, My Bride" is a full book that may be a reading challenge in today's frenzied life. It is a long read in today's world of "sound bites" and instant gratification. It is a true story of two inseparable lovers, full of humor, life lessons and unfortunately some sadness. But above all, it is a cornucopia of insights of the courage of a most unusual woman.

The other works are short stories that are expansions of concepts in the main book. Several stories are on other subjects relevant to today's world and one is an allegory / commentary on contemporary life in America.

The works are all free and available at https://www.smashwords.com They are also available at all the major retailers and formatted for various e-book reading devices such as Amazon's," Kindle;" Barnes and Noble's," Nook;" Apple's "I-phone" and "I-pad;" as well as laptops, and personal computers in "PDF" format. Some retailers such as Amazon charge a minimum of $0.99 for a download. The e-books can be given a "library" status on "Smashwords" for more permanent storage. When I revise the books occasionally, the old edition and the new addition are available to those who downloaded the earlier version.

If you ever considered authoring or publishing a work yourself, please investigate the services offered by "Smashwords." They are great people providing great services for free. Today, there is no reason why anyone wanting to publish their literary work cannot. In most cases once you have your properly formatted manuscript in "Microsoft Word," a high definition title page in" JPG" format, and a short and long description of your masterpiece, publication is usually less than an hour away – sometimes minutes away – globally! Literally, (no pun intended) "What are you waiting for!" Why merely read, when you can read and write. Consult my short story, "My One Grand Regret" for a little inspiration. If I cannot inspire you, give Walt Whitman a try. If he can't inspire you, stick to reading. It's OK. That's just fine.

"Come, said my Soul"

"Come, said my Soul,

Such verses for my Body let us write, (for we are one,)

That should I after death invisibly return,

Or, long, long hence, in other spheres,

There to some group of mates the chants resuming,

(Tallying Earth's soil, trees, winds, tumultuous waves,)

Ever with pleas's smile I may keep on,

Ever and ever yet the verses owning – as, first, I here and now,

Signing for Soul and Body set to them my name,"

1819 – 1892

Here are "our" works – a gift from Phyliss and me to you and those you love.

Please enjoy and "pass it on."

(Well, don't literally "pass it on," that wouldn't be nice;

let your friends and loved ones download their own copy!)

* * * * *

Book One

"My Teacher, My Bride"

A memoir and love story

First published October 9, 2014 - 204,480 words – Adult - Non-fiction – free ISBN: 9781311111302

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/483616

This is a true story of an endearing, lifelong love affair, born in a most unexpected and unconventional manner and place. It is the story of a most remarkable woman. You never heard of her, but maybe you should have. It is not a love story filled only with the happiness of Camelot, but the celebration of her remarkable life and spirit and the many trials of her time on Earth. Don't miss this opportunity to get to know her.

* * * * *
Book Two

"Hugs and Kisses"

A bittersweet vignette of love and lost opportunity - a monumental lesson learned about life's priorities

First published November 3, 2014 - 6160 words, - Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN: 9781311491374

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/490293

Life is filled with those things of great importance and those things of little or no importance. Many times it takes a lifetime to tell the difference. This short tale can help you avoid wasting your lifetime to discover what is truly important.

* * * * *
Book Three

"The Last Day of School – The First Day of Us"

First Published: November 7, 2014 - 8390 words – Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN - 9781311159243

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/491303

Joseph was a young boy who had "Miss Crudo" as his teacher for the eight and ninth grades. Their association turned from student and teacher to friendship and then, well you will have to read the story to see where the friendship goes from there.

For many students, especially prior to high school, their teachers can be major figures, even role models in influencing their lives. Occasionally, the fondness for the teacher becomes so intense that they develop a "crush" or infatuation with the teacher. Such was the case with Joseph and his English teacher "Miss Crudo." The two years in her classes seemed to just fly by for this starry-eyed youngster, as the inevitable last day of school arrived. This short story describes those two years and the anguish of the arrival of that final day. The story finishes by suggesting that maybe that was not the final day of their association after all.

* * * * *
Book Four

"Our First Kiss – Our Last Kiss"

First Published: November 8, 2014 - 7960 words – Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN - 9781311404534

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/491493

A chance series of events brings two souls together as a teacher and a student with a sixteen year age difference. Friendship turns to love and they eventually marry for forty-five years. The endearing short story describes their joyful first kiss and their sorrowful last kiss.

Phyliss Crudo and Joseph Badame spent the early parts of their separate lives moving around Southern New Jersey. Eventually, he at fourteen, and she at thirty, find themselves in the same classroom as student and teacher for two years. There was an immediate rapport between the two. After he graduated from her school, she became his mentor through a successful high school career. Their friendship developed into love and they eventually married eleven years after they met. Their marriage lasted for forty-five years. The story tells of the growth of their love and describes their first kiss and their last kiss at the end of their lives together.

* * * * *
Book Five

"My One Grand Regret"

First Published: November 8, 2014 - 7910 words – Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN – 9781311817099

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/491620

At a funeral family is mourning the loss of their departed. Usually the mourning is for regret, not the loss. The loss will fade but the regret will not because the finality of death is such that the regret can never be reconciled. This short story may help avoid those regrets when the time comes into your life. Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. Don't be a fool, learn from mine.

The loss of a dearly loved spouse is never easy to endure, especially after a life-long marriage. The grieving can be overwhelming and never ending. It is not something that anyone wants to contemplate but we feel that we have some idea of the nature of the suffering. We do not. I did not. No matter how deep and loving the marriage was, the finality of death will consume any comfort that we may have that we will have no regrets when the awful time comes. There will be regrets. Foremost among the regrets will be that which was said that should not have been said and that which was not said that should have been said. This short story reveals an approach to a marital relation that can help to prevent those regrets from occurring.

* * * * *
Book Six

"Our Marriage in Saint Peter's Basilica"

First Published: November 10, 2014 – 10,230 words – Adult Non-fiction – free; ISBN - 9781311025418

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/491930

A teacher and former student were in love for years. She was his senior by sixteen years. Over the years, they denied themselves marriage because of their ages and their circumstances. As they embarked on a fairy tale union, neither seemed to matter. It is an endearing and true adventure of the devotion and determination of two people in love.

True love can be found almost anywhere, sometimes nowhere. Most search for it diligently and persistently, many times all their lives without success. But sometimes it falls unexpectedly from Heaven. Such was the case for Phyliss and Joseph in their eighth grade classroom. No, the love was not as classmates, but as Phyliss the teacher and Joseph the student. Their association turned to true love, but marriage seemed illusive because of their ages and their circumstances . . . until they found themselves four thousand miles apart, she in New Jersey, he in Tunisia, in the Peace Corps.

The separation and the denied union were no longer bearable for them, and they embarked on a fairy-tale marriage and a "two-year long" honeymoon in paradise. The honeymoon was followed by forty three years of love, happiness, and sadly, sorrow. It is an unusual and endearing, true adventure of how the devotion and determination of two people in love can overcome the trials of life.

* * * * *
Book Seven

"The Cookie and the Dandelions"

First Published: November 11, 2014 – 8,650 words – Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN - 9781311510983

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/492395

Joseph was a young boy who had "Miss Crudo" as his teacher for the eight and ninth grades. Their association turned from student and teacher to friendship and then the friendship became more than friendship. This is a continuation of "The Last Day of School."

For many students, especially prior to high school, their teachers can be major figures, even role models in influencing their lives. Occasionally, the fondness for the teacher becomes so intense that they develop a "crush" or infatuation with the teacher. Such was the case with Joseph and his English teacher "Miss Crudo." The two years in her classes seemed to just fly by for this starry-eyed youngster. This short story picks up after Joseph graduates from Miss Crudo's class and their friendship becomes more serious.

* * * * *
Book Eight

"Claustrophobia, Get Professional Help, Joe"

First Published: November 12, 2014 – 8,590 words – Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN – 9781311054678

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/492626

This short story exposes some of the difficulties in relying on our health care system for the correction of psychological disorders, in this case claustrophobia and its related anxiety and panic. It does so by relating one person's unsuccessful journey to find a treatment.

The pursuit of a remedy for a physical injury or disability is usually straight forward. The injury is a visible and quantifiable thing that many times suggests its own solution. Psychological disorders present a more difficult problem. The manifestation of the disorder is invisible, usually within the patient's brain. As such, it is much more difficult to diagnose and treat and much harder for the patient to contend with.

At the time one needs a clear mind to function and make decisions, the affliction itself interferes with that process. My anxiety and panic were such instances triggered by a bout of claustrophobia. This story does not propose solutions, but by recounting my unsuccessful attempts at seeking treatment, it is hoped that the medical professions can improve the dispensing of care for this debilitating disorder. Furthermore, it might give some insight to others similarly afflicted on how to contend with their own disability.

* * * * *
Book Nine

"Our Moment – Falling in Love Again"

First Published: November 15, 2014 – 7,760 words – Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN – 9781310883231

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/493421

You lovers all have special moments in your love life, but you usually don't think about what "the" most special moment was. In fact, each of you may have a different moment. I gave it a great deal of thought. I would like to share what that moment was for me. It might just encourage you to rethink what your moment was.

In our fast-paced world, we have a tendency to move on to the "next big thing" in our lives before we are even able to digest the "last big thing." As a result, life becomes a massive blur of events that seems to pass us by. As we get older and our lives become about the present with only the past to contemplate and not much of a future left, it is natural to begin thinking about what the most significant moment in our lives was. Now that my wife is gone that is exactly what I found myself thinking about. What was our most significant moment? I was surprised what I concluded. You may be too.

* * * * *
Book Ten

"Life's Little Book for a Happy Marriage"

First Published: November 20, 2014 – 35,437 words – Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN - 9781311562463

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/494964

There are many books that give advice about how to have a fruitful marriage. But, this is one of the only ones I know that comes with a money back guarantee. Follow these simple guide lines and if your marriage is not happy, you can get every penny you paid returned, no questions asked. Oh, that's right, it's free. Sorry.

I have had a life-long love affair with my wife Phyliss. She is gone now, but during that time some truths became apparent that resulted in our happiness. Some establish a mind set, some generated a set of rules, some led to a useful exercise, a few revealed some cautions, and all generated a life of happiness and joy. It worked for us. Will it work for you? I really don't know. Only you can tell that if you dare try. What do you have to loose? Nothing at all.

* * * * *
Book Eleven

"Daddy, Mommy! Are you awake? Are you awake, yet?!"

First Published: November 26, 2014 – 9,650 words – Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN - 9781311847751

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/496667

This allegory is based on two children who live near each other in a rural setting. Halfway between their two houses is a huge oak tree planted several hundred years before by one of their ancestors. The tree becomes a centerpiece of their lives and the foundation of a deep friendship. Their bucolic world of camaraderie is destroyed when greed invades their private world and tragedy ensues.

A huge oak tree planted at the birth of our nation grows in the middle of two small farms. The farm houses are home to a four-year-old boy and a six-year-old girl. The children's attraction to the tree becomes the centerpiece of their lives and the foundation of a deep friendship. Their bucolic world is destroyed when a plot to destroy the tree for its valuable wood is hatched by the evil mayor of the town. The plan is executed with the aid of the parents resulting in a series of tragedies for the little town. The mayor goes on to become the governor as the town is left to mourn its losses. The allegory ends with an admonition to anyone who loves their children and cares about their future.

* * * * *
Book Twelve

"My Dear was, Oh, so Much Sweeter than Sugar – The Orgy of Sweets"

First Published: November 29, 2014 – 9,970 words – Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN - 9781310974441

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/497530

This short story is a continuation of my life-long love affair with Phyliss, my late wife. In this tale I tell of her devotion to me in managing my affliction with diabetes so I didn't have to. It was a remarkable self-sacrificing act of devotedness and affection rarely seen in or out of marriage. The story is true and inspiring.

At about mid-life, I discovered I had diabetes. I was ill prepared to deal with it. My adoring wife Phyliss, despite her own substantial health problems, commandeered the attack on the disease with military dispatch. The short story of how this came about is tender, loving, and heart warming. This act of love was only one of many expressions of devotion to my well-being. This is a short excerpt from the book "I Married My Teacher" which chronicles, in detail, her love and devotion to me as well as her own trials and battles with poor health. Read about her. It will enrich your life as she enriched mine.

* * * * *
Book Thirteen

"No Thanks!"

Judy's Story – Not an Unusual Tale

First Published: December 8, 2014 – 6,970 words – Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN - 9781311160379

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/500128

Every parent and guardian should read this tale of the growth of ungratefulness shown by many of our younger generation - thanklessness that appears despite copious kindness that was shown to them over the years. It suggests that sinister forces outside the family promulgate this disturbing behavior. More disturbing yet is the realization that the origin of the conduct may be of our own doing.

The former generations of self-sacrificing and benevolent Americans are dying and dying with them is American greatness and generosity. That greatness is being replaced by the entitlement mentality of much of our younger generation of today. The mentality is now approaching an epidemic and threatens the foundations on which our country was based. The sad tale of this decay is told in this short story of Judy who was compelled to become a single mother of two small children by tragedy.

The true tale recounts how her sacrifice and kindness by welcoming into her home a needy child as one of her own was returned with indifference and callousness. It is a story that is repeated in homes across the country between parents and their own offspring. The sad narrative illustrates how the path of our nation is leading to self-interest rather than concern for those around us.

* * * * *
Book Fourteen

"The Gifts"

The story of Emmy's Kindness

Published: December 18, 2014 – 8,130 words – Non-Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN - 9781311168047

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/503067

Gifting to a very large degree today, has become mundane, mechanical, and commercialized. Philanthropy by giving objects and things has become the norm. This short story takes us back to a time when gifts were deeds. Return to those times by rethinking your idea of rewarding someone you care about with a blessing that will not be forgotten rather than an article that will. Follow this unusual journey that may take you to a better place in life.

Life is often filled with joy and happiness, but equally it can be filled with tragedy. When tragedy does strike, even the most accomplished, talented, and independent individuals among us may have difficulty coping. They often need all the support they can get. Just as often, the sustenance is just not there either by circumstance or by the neglect of others. Occasionally, a helping hand appears almost by magic from very unlikely sources and places. This short story relates how a chance meeting of an old man with a very ill wife finds that assistance in a most unlikely place, from a most unlikely donor.

* * * * *
Book Fifteen

" **I Give Up - You Win - A Glimpse into the Character of Man "**

First Published: December 30, 2014 - 8,400 words – Adult - Nonfiction \- ISBN: 9781310462252

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/505985

I have written twenty-five books and short stories over the past six months. I believe all have been informative and they were free. I received two reviews from 4,500 downloads. This short story attempts to understand the phenomenon and solicit feedback from the readership to help improve my writing prowess. No improvement can take place with constructive comments from the readersl

* * * * *
Book Sixteen

"Intimacy and Disability"

Published: January 6, 2015 – 8,130 words – Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN 9781310229398

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/508482

A search of books being published will disclose an abundance of works depicting fantasy intimacy, sex if you will, of all types. The public apparently shows great interest in these titles and they sell quite well or else there would not be such a plethora of these works. Yet despite this bounty of fictional books on sex and intimacy there are few about real intimacy other than text books. Furthermore, works that attempt to cover the subject of intimacy as it relates to disability seem to be almost non-existent. I must agree that it is not an easy topic to discuss. But, for something so important and prevalent today, the scarcity is most baffling and troubling.

Because of this phenomenon, millions of couples are left to fend for themselves in dealing with this most disrupting problem. You might assume that the issue is thoroughly covered in the institutional rehabilitation of the person afflicted with the disability. Therefore, books covering the subject are not necessary. In reality, the subject is ignored. It is as if it doesn't exist. This preoccupation and interest with intimacy and sex that is everywhere when we are able-bodied seem to suddenly disappear when a person becomes disabled. I find this most disheartening.

At least in the case of my dear wife, the subject was not breeched at all in the course of the rehabilitation routine after her stroke. As a result, we novices had to attempt to figure it out ourselves among life-threatening circumstances. Were we successful? My dear, a master teacher, would probably give me a C+ grade – not good enough for the love of my life. But, my hope in writing this account is that it will instigate some interest on the part of professionals and serve as a caution to those in like circumstances. It is a short, easy read with a touch of "wisdom" to mix in with some of the fantasy for a change – and it's free.

* * * * *
Book Seventeen

"The Death of the Love of My Life"

Published: January 8, 2015 – 10,394 words – Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN 9781310183751

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/508998

The death of a loved one is never easy. It is particularly difficult when it comes at the end of a fifty-six year long love affair filled with affection and hardship as well. Regardless of how inevitable, it is never expected. Through a heartbreaking rendition of the passing of his wife the author hopes to instill the necessity for every couple to live every moment as if it will be the last.

This short story is an excerpt from the full book, "My Teacher, My Bride," formerly titled "I Married my Teacher." The story describes the last two days of a fifty-six year "affaire de coeur," and the finality of the last hours spent with the person we care about more than ourselves. It is hoped that this rendition along with the full book will encourage couples to savor and enrich their precious time together since none of us knows how long that time will be. By doing so, lovers can assure themselves that they will not have any regrets when the time of parting is upon them.

The title, "The Death of the Love of My Life," depicts an end to a boundless love affair. The book cover was meant to challenge that depiction. It illustrates the Nebula, "30 Doratus, the Tarantula Nebula" which is 170,000 light years away from our planet.

The Nebula is a nursery giving birth to billions of new stars, countless planets, and almost certainly the creation of new life. This marvel takes place among aging and dying stars that fuel the creation of their offspring. It is hoped that the symbolism can invoke the inspirational thought that while our loved ones have left this sublunary Earth, they now reside in a much more glorious place. The sadness summoned by death is overshadowed by the end of suffering, a glorious life after death, and an anticipated sublime reunion.

* * * * *
Book Eighteen

"Our Peace Corps Adventure in Tunisia"

Published: March 20, 2015 – 22,100 words – Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN 9781311067128

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/529297

This story of an American Peace Corps couple in Tunisia provides a window into the not-so-distant past of how individuals of dissimilar groups were able to live in friendship, harmony, and even love. It is hoped that it will awaken us to how far we have wandered from the goodness of that time and question how our leaders have allowed or even caused the hatred and conflict among our cultures.

The world is in enormous conflict today in just about every area of human interaction. Countries, religions, races, social and economic classes, ethnic groups, organizations, and companies are all either in active dissension or at a level of extreme tension ready to explode.

Violence is everywhere. This is nothing new. Even the level of hatred among groups, countries and individuals is not unique from the past. What is new is the level of mobility and the destructive power each group possesses to destroy the other. Sometimes this power is even in the hands of an individual. Maybe this tale of friendship and love from the past can help us realize how far we have regressed and possibly encourage us to elect leaders that can return us to civility.

* * * * *
Book Nineteen

"A Message from Heaven"

When Tomorrow Starts without Me

Published: March 24, 2015 – 7,990 words – Adult - Non-fiction – free; ISBN 9781310685255

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/530292

Over a year ago, I knew my dear husband would be suffering today. I just did not realize how much. I wrote this letter to ease his pain. It might ease yours, as well.

When someone dies they leave behind a great deal of pain for their loved ones. Some of those loved ones go to extraordinary measures to contact those who have left to ease their sorrow. These efforts always fail in the hands of charlatans. I did not want my husband to go through that torment. So, I have written him directly to ease his pain. It might just ease your pain or that of someone you know.

* * * * *
Book Twenty

"Screams!"

Published: April 12, 2015 – 7,850 words – non-Adult - fiction – free; ISBN 9781310790669

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/535064

Everyone enjoys a little scary fiction. This short story is not all that scary, but presents a little humor and wisdom as well - three for the price of one. Oh, that's right it's free. Well, read it anyway. You have nothing to lose but 15 minutes.

Fiction is an escape, entertainment. But, there is nothing wrong with reading fiction and learning a little, is there? You know "go to school because you want to, not because you have to." Try this story. It should scare you a little, teach you a little, make you smile a little, maybe surprise you a little, and hopefully make you think a little about a subject that needs more than a little thinking. That was my intent anyway.

* * * * *
Book Twenty-one

"The Power of Writing and Never Letting Go"

Published: April 16, 2015 – 10,610 words – Adult –non-fiction – free; ISBN 9781310157073

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/536094

Losing a loved one is always difficult. Recovering from the loss is even more difficult, sometimes impossible. Many times, calling on every resource is required to be successful. It might be necessary to create your own method for healing. This is one unusual technique that was quite effective for me. It might be useful to others.

Since my wife left me, writing about her has been my salvation, but there were limits to its beneficial powers. I searched for other ways to expand the effectiveness of the writing. This short book describes some unconventional and non- traditional ways to use writing in the grieving and healing process. It was and continues to be valuable in my road to recovery.

* * * * *
Book Twenty-two

"Cruising with a Disabled Love One"

Published: April 25, 2015 – 10,870 words – Non-Adult – non-fiction – free; ISBN 9781310198038

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/538418

A Cruise can be a wonderful therapy for a spouse who becomes disabled, especially from a stroke. It can have many healing powers and be of great assistance to recovery. But, let's not rush into it. Read this story before you embark on this adventure. Use it as a guide to inform and to determine if it is right for you and your spouse.

My wife had a debilitating stroke and required a wheelchair for mobility among other disabilities. As part of her therapy, we went on three cruises. They each had their own benefits, their challenges, and their drawbacks. Along the way, I was able to learn many things that may be useful to others considering the same for their loved one. Our experiences my help you plan your trip or even decide if it is something that will be beneficial or even possible.

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Book Twenty-three

"The Man of No"

The agony of caring for a loved one

Published: April 26, 2015 – 10,012 words – Adult – non-fiction – free; ISBN 9781310302602

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/538582

Caring for a loved one with a long term illness at home is a physical, financial, and emotional challenge of the highest order. It is deadly and it can kill you both. It may be the biggest test of your lives. But, nothing equals the realization that some things cannot be fixed. You eventually become the "The Man of No."

When something cannot be fixed and in fact gets worse and there is no solution, being truthful makes you the "Man of No" - the bearer of bad news, the bearer of the worse news. You can delay, you can fib, you can omit, you can dance around the issues, but eventually you must tell the truth. You delay as long as you can to spare your love the agony. But, during that time you must deny your spouse the truth when "deny" was never a word in your vocabulary all your lives together. It is a heartbreaking thing from which you never recover.

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Book Twenty-four

"Janet Devlin"

One Classy Lassie

Published: May 2, 2015 – 10,190 words – non-Adult – non-fiction – free; ISBN 9781310431067

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/539981

In 2011, a young lady abruptly and unexpectedly came on to the world music scene after appearing on a well-known talent discovery television program which had been airing for a number of years. The young lady was Miss Janet Maureen Aoife Ne Devlin.

Just another pop singer? Another lovey face? Not quite.

All the accounts of Miss Devlin on the show were naturally about her music and her unusually lovely voice. At first she got rave reviews from the judges, the live audience, and the television viewers. She fell out of favor with the judges and reached fifth in the competition. She went home to her little hamlet of Gortin, Ireland – end of story? – not so fast. Four years later Miss Devlin is back on the scene with her first recording album. But the story is not her rise in music; it is about her tenacity and character. You may want to consider her as your child's role model. You decide.

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Book Twenty-five

"The Last Mothers' Day"

Published: May 3, 2015 – 6,830 words – non-Adult – non-fiction – free; ISBN 9781311324832

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/540098

Mothers' Day is a good thing. Mothers should be honored. But, this should be the last Mothers' Day.

Anyone who has a Mother should read this very short essay. But, wait, we all have Mother's don't we. Silly me! Well, then, every one should read this – It will take only a minute, I promise.

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Book Twenty-six

"The Way We Were"

Published: May 24, 2015 – 14,340 words – non-Adult – non-fiction – free; ISBN 9781311116789

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/545363

Raising children with values of responsibility, respect, compassion, and industry is a goal of most parents. Finding the right tools and examples to achieve this goal is not entirely easy today. This seemingly difficult task may be able to be accomplished by recounting and applying the lessons of relatively simple events in three summers of a young boy's life.

Conscientious parents are always searching for ways to teach lessons to their children that will be useful throughout their lives and in the rearing of their own children. This account of a young boy's adventures for three summers from the 1950's spent with caring relatives reveals important lessons from seemingly mundane situations that cannot be learned from a book or a classroom. A return to the principles of this simpler time may be just what a modern family needs to insure that their children advance into adulthood with a foundation of timeless and proven character-building traits.

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Book Twenty-seven

"Home Alone with Phyliss"

Published: May 25, 2015 – 12,060 words – non-Adult – non-fiction – free; ISBN 9781310294389

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/545660

It seems most ironic that something I had desperately wished for from a very early age, aggressively pursued for a decade, and finally achieved, had now become a source of anxiety, fear, and angst - being at home alone with Phyliss. It did not seem possible.

The mere suggestion, a few months before, that this dread would be credible, appeared to be a preposterous supposition. Yet, here it was, a reality. I was paralyzed with fear. I had fought so hard these past months to pry her from the grips of her certain demise.

I had rejoiced at my achievement and success. I had saved my dear wife. I had won one of the biggest and most important battles of my life to remove her from danger and make her safe.

This was an enormous effort and an unqualified victory. This was the woman I loved. I had proven my love so many times before as she had done for me as well, but not like this time. If this accomplishment were such an achievement, why was I not filled with pride, joy, and elation?

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Book Twenty-eight

"Life is Good for Some"

Published: May 26, 2015 – 11,830 words – non-Adult – non-fiction – free; ISBN 9781311039101

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/545908

The quality of a family's social interactions with friends can be positively or negatively affected by a tragedy. What seems to determine the negative or positive course of the change is whether the social relationship was established before or after the misfortune occurred.

Generally speaking, pleasant social interactions that were already established, even long standing ones, suffer when tragedy strikes. Those social relationships that were established after the tragedy strikes tend to be positive and more intense. This work illustrates this strange phenomenon and gives some advice on how to prepare for a potential family health crisis. Every family should take a little time to read and prepare. No family group is immune from a health calamity.

*****
Book Twenty-nine

"The Magic of a Master Teacher"

Published: August 15, 2015 – 15,610 words – non-Adult – non-fiction – free; ISBN 9781310000690

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/569466

This is the tale of the career of one master teacher whose excellence and dedication caused each of her students to perform to the best of his or her abilities and become stellar members of our society. How sad it would be to let the significance of her life be lost to future generations. The recounting of her story is an attempt to not allow that to happen.

Teachers lay the foundations of society. They shape the character of the next generation of citizens and therefore determine the quality and success of that society. Poor, mediocre, or unmotivated teachers will produce a society that will eventually crumble and fail. Good teachers will produce a society that will survive but not excel. Master teachers will produce a society that will flourish and benefit mankind for generations.

This true tale tells of one such master teacher from the past who is sadly no longer with us. The challenge is will we let her excellence die with her, or will we learn and follow her example and pass that learning on to the next generations. No less than the future of our country depends on our answer and our actions. To reply with anything less than an affirmative response will doom our future to mediocrity and certain failure.

As you learn about "Miss Crudo," ask yourself if our current educational system has continued her example of distinction or if it has regressed. If we fail to react to our decline we will relegate our children and their children to lives that will be so much less than they could be. They deserve better. We must decide

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Book Thirty

"Washing the Dishes"

Published: September 19, 2015 – 2,440 words – non-Adult – non-fiction – free; ISBN 9781311810021

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/578705

This vignette is a short tale with a quite strange title. It is a story for married folks. It is particularly meant for couples busily racing through life doing "important stuff" and missing the paradise that marriage can be. What can an activity as repulsive and mundane as washing dishes possibly have to do with love and happiness? Read it and see – 10 minutes and no money.

What do vacations to exotic places, beautiful and sumptuous surroundings, exciting venues, exhilarating activities, new and interesting people, appointments meant for royalty, and washing the dishes all have in common? Obviously, they are all prerequisites for an invigorating and enviable marriage experience. But, wait a minute. Washing the dishes? What if someone told you that none of the mentioned items is a perquisite for a wonderful marriage, except washing the dishes? You would tell them that they lost their minds. Ten minutes from now you might change your mind instead of losing it. Look for yourself.

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Please help our returning heroes and heroines in need.

Sadly, they can no longer rely on help from those who sent them in harms way.

They and their families helped us.

Now, we need to help them.

Please make a donation of finances or time or both.

Tell others to do likewise, and have them tell others.

They have crosses to bear for life that we can not even imagine.

https://support.woundedwarriorproject.org/

