

## Even They Have Secrets

## By Adrienne Baldwin

## Even They Have Secrets

## By Adrienne Baldwin

## Cover Art by Amy Anderson

## Copyright 2012 Adrienne Baldwin

## Smashwords Edition

## Smashwords Edition , License Notes

## Thank you for downloading this free ebook. Although this is a free book, it remains the copyrighted property of the author and may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy at Smashwords.com. Thank you for your support.

## Dedication

## This novel is dedicated to my mother for constantly reminding me the possibilities are limitless and so is my potential. To my love for being exceptionally supportive. And to all of those whose encouragement left me without any doubts in my ability to tell my stories.

# Chapter 1

Sister Mary Gerard sits at her donated mahogany desk carefully looking over her notes for her discussion, nervously glancing at the clock on her desktop. She has been speaking to young girls for 13 years now, yet the anxiety persists. It is 10:45am and she has 15 minutes before a small group of 30 will be joining her, their decision to participate in her vocation hinging on her every word. The number of girls wanting to be sisters has been dwindling over the years, and the pressure to bring more women into religious service is surmounting.

"Sister, the girls are ready for you" Sister Mary Robert says as she walks toward her desk.

"Do I look okay? I don't want to look too matronly."

Despite the minute superficiality, Sister Gerard tries to appeal to her audience's obsession with fashion, showing that a life dedicated to God does not mean they have to give up their individuality.

"You look beautiful."

Sister is wearing a black knee length skirt with a pink knit crew neck shirt and a white eyelet blazer. Still a young woman herself in her late 30's, she still prides herself in looking presentable; she doesn't believe God would mind too much if she took a little time to make sure that the impression she gives to the community is one of sophistication and class. The world doesn't always allow you to "come as you are," even for those women serving God.

Sister slides off her comfy slippers and puts on her modest black flats and takes a quick glance in the mirror. The beautiful brunette curls that were in her hair when she left the apartment this morning had fallen due to the stifling humidity; she takes a couple of bobby pins and puts up her hair. "Perfect" she says. She grabs her blazer that had been slung on the back of her chair and walks, note-cards in hand, to the conference room where her audience eagerly awaits.

The room where the girls wait imitates the setup of an elementary school classroom. There are religious posters of the Pope, the Vatican, Christ, and Mary on the walls and a crucifix hanging over a whiteboard with the words "The Real Life of a Sister" written at the top. The small chatter in the room mixes with the blaring central air conditioning that took years for the sisters to raise the money to get; previously they settled for wall units that still left the sisters asking for donated fans. The mix of heat and humidity would leave them breathless.

As sister walks to the front of the room, she focuses on the calming sky blue walls and her friend Sister Robert sitting in the front, her black pants skimming the floor, completely covering her pink kitten heels; her blue cardigan open, revealing a plain white button up shirt. Sister Gerard takes a deep breath.

"Good morning girls."

"Good morning Sister," they all say in unison.

"Before we begin, I'd like you to move your chairs in a circle."

Suddenly there is the loud noise of 120 chair legs rubbing against the hardwood floor and a burst of chattering as the girls try to fit in a little more of their conversation before focusing their attention once again to Sister Gerard.

"My name is Sister Mary Gerard and I have been a member of the Sisters of St. Maria Goretti for 16 years. Today I just want to tell you a little about myself, about our order here, and answer any questions you may have about living a religious life."

Sister glances around the room, looking into each of their eyes, attempting to gauge their level of interest. If she asks how many are thinking about becoming nuns or sisters, of course all of them would raise their hands. Based on their body language and eye contact, she has to judge whether this was a serious consideration or just something their parents made them do. As her eyes meet each of them, she notices name tags. Sister smiles, thinking of previous presentations where she flustered trying to remember each girls name.

"I was actually around you all's age when I decided to become a nun. I knew I was supposed to do something different with my life when my friends were all dreaming of their fantasy weddings and future husbands, and I was thinking about mission trips and creating charitable organizations. I know you've all heard about 'the call.'

Everyone in the room giggles a little. She has encountered countless women who thought one awe inspiring moment in their lives would make their purpose perfectly clear.

"I didn't have that one moment where I saw God and saw my life and knew in that second what God wanted me to do. I struggled. Was I supposed to be the working single woman? Was I supposed to be the working mom? Or the stay at home mom? Was I supposed to be a nun? And I looked for that moment. I waited for that call. I waited for that experience to show me who I was supposed to be. And it never came."

She knows she needs to engage them. Every teenager has ADD, especially when talking about religion or the future.

"Raise your hand if you were taught or believed that something would happen in your life and you would just suddenly know your purpose."

Every girl raises her hand.

"Well I'm here to tell you to stop waiting and just live. I thought about joining a religious order all through high school, but I wasn't sure until I got to college."

A red head raises her hand.

"Yes...Abby?"

"Sister, what happened in college to make you decide that it was the right choice for you?"

Sister is always prepared for this question and has given the same story.

"Good question Abby. In college, I began to study theology. I also became part of a service organization in school. While in this organization, I slowly began to realize that service was what I wanted to dedicate my life to. My friends were getting boyfriends. They were talking about their white picket fences, suburban two story houses, and corporate careers and none of that was in the future I had imagined for myself. Ladies, there is no call or voice to wait to hear; God will speak through you and help you realize, through your own self-awareness, your path in life, whatever that may be,"

She could see they were starting to relax; she could see the relief on their faces when they realized they would have a lecture free Saturday. Sister Gerard glances at the clock on the wall...20 minutes left.

"If you decide that a life of service is your path, there are many different orders out there to choose and I would really take the time and speak to people to figure out the best one for you. Saint Maria Goretti is the patron saint for youth, and I knew I wanted to work with young people. I knew I wanted to affect their lives in a positive way. Since I have been here, we have been able to expand our services beyond mentoring and tutoring. We continue those services, but we also run a safehouse for young girls in trouble, whether they be in abusive relationships, pregnant, addicted to drugs of any kind, or just need help getting through a crisis. We offer counseling and have professionals on staff to assist. We offer different classes from child-birth, knitting, swimming, and even cooking. We as an order strive to contribute wholly to the community."

She glances at the clock again. 10 minutes. She glances down at her cards.

"So, what would you like to know about me? You can ask me anything?"

A girl's soft voice comes from the corner. "Anything?"

"Anything." Sister smiles as she makes eye contact with the girl who had decided to rip her name tag off.

"Did you grow up in a strict Catholic household?"

"Yes I did. However I never felt any pressure to become a nun or sister. Actually, my parents never brought up the subject. I grew up in a household where it was my duty, as the only child, to produce grandchildren and have a big family and marry a rich man. Neither of my parents saw a religious life in my future. "

"Did they agree with your choice to become a nun?"

Sister glances in the direction of the question, noticing a blonde looking anxious and nervous.

"Well...they were shocked to say the least. But, no good Catholic parents could object to their daughter deciding to live a life of service. They were extremely supportive."

"What if you aren't Catholic?" says the same voice.

"Well....Katherine....you would have to convert to Catholicism first and practice the faith for two years and then you could begin your work to become a nun or sister."

"They are different?" a young Hispanic girls asks.

"Yes they are. Technically a nun lives in a convent and wears a habit. You know...like in Sister Act. They take the vows of poverty, obedience, and chastity. A Sister however does not live in a convent and does not necessarily take the same vows, and the vows can differ depending on the order. I took the vows of purity, simplicity, and charity. Were some of you surprised when Sister Mary Robert walked in not wearing a habit?"

A few heads nod around the room.

"Well....that is why it is important to ask questions and do a little research. I live in an apartment with some of my fellow sisters, I wear plains clothes, and I work just like your parents. The difference is that I add daily mass, confession, prayer, and meditation into my routine. And my work is all about service. Traditional nuns believe they can better serve the Lord in prayer whereas we believe our greatest service to God would be in action. Neither is better and neither is more fulfilling than the other; it is about choice."

The skeptical girl in the corner leans forward and raises her hand. "Have you ever wanted to leave? Have you ever regretted your choice?"

Sister Gerard sits back in her chair for a moment. She silently debates between the politically correct advantageous answer and the truth.

"Yes ma'am I have thought about leaving. It is not easy living a life like ours and requires major adjustments. There are sacrifices with choosing this life. I have not however regretted my choice. I am happy and I could not imagine a more fulfilled and satisfying life than the one I have now."

Sister glances at the clock again. "I think we have time for a few more questions." No one raises their hand. She could see in some of their eyes the desire to ask a question and then hesitate.

"Would you like to know my birth name?"

A collective "yeah" echoes in the room.

"My birth name is Allyson Lilian Bishop. I was born right here in Birmingham, Alabama and I am 37 years old."

"Do you have to do this when you are young? I mean, what if I decide to have the husband and the family and then decide to be a part of the order? Can I do that?"

"Let's see....Emma? Well Emma there is no age limit on when you can become a nun. Plenty of women decide to take the vows later in life after they have had many different experiences. This is not a life meant for everyone, and you have to be ready to accept the life before you can fully join into the sisterhood. Okay...I think I have time for one more question."

"Did you ever have a boyfriend?"

The whole room giggles after the usual collective "oooooh." Sister smiles...for her it's another typical question from curious minds.

"In high school...yes I did have a boyfriend. His name was Thomas and we dated my junior and senior years in high school. Before you are certain of your path, don't deprive your life of any experiences. Date, hang out with friends, go to college....those experiences will help you decide."

Sister looks out of the door to see Sister Mary Patrick standing outside, letting her know that lunch has arrived and is setup on the patio.

"Well ladies, I believe it is time for lunch. As a nice little surprise, I had lunch catered for you and we are going to have it outside on the patio. Don't worry...it's screened in. The heat won't be too bad."

The girls get up, put their seats back, and start to walk to the back patio area just finished at the beginning of the summer. Sister wanted somewhere outside the girls could sit, talk and hang out with each other. A patio company was generous enough to donate the materials and labor.

"If you have anymore questions ladies, feel free to ask."

The ladies proceed outside led by Sister Patrick. Sister Gerard sits in a chair for a moment with her head in her hand. Sister Robert sits beside her, placing her hand on her shoulder.

"It's okay Allyson."

Sister Gerard lifts her head, her hazel eyes watering.

"Let's just go outside with the girls."

They both get out of their chairs, turn off the light, and walk to the patio where most of the girls have already gotten their food. The girls had spread out amongst the many circular patio tables. Some had even decided to sit on the stairs leading down to the garden that Sister Robert had planted herself. The food was spread out over long square tables and it was almost bare when the Sisters had gotten there. Two of the tables were empty, the afternoon sun beaming right down upon them. They glance around the area.

"What do you think they are talking about?" Sister Gerard asks.

"The usual. Boys, school, boys."

They both smile and laugh, Sister Robert pulling her curly red hair into a ponytail.

"Grace, do you think any of them are serious about joining us?"

Sister Robert looks at her and just shrugs her shoulders.

Sister Gerard walks over to a table of 5 girls. "So how is everything?"

"It's great, thank you Sister," one girl says politely. Over the years, Sister has learned how to decipher the language of teenage girls. As she looks at each one, she concludes they are the girls obligated to come, either by a parent or the Catholic school they were forced to attend. Sister scans the patio area again, noticing a brunette sitting by herself. Sister goes to the food table, grabs a sandwich and water and sits with her.

"So, are you enjoying yourself?"

The girl nods her head.

"What's your name?"

"Madison," the girl says as she tucks her hair behind her ears.

"How old are you?"

"16."

Sister looks at her for a moment, realizing there is something hidden behind those beautiful green eyes. Madison was obviously uncomfortable in a room with the other girls in their Forever 21 and Gap outfits, and the shoes they got on sale at the Nine West store.

"So Madison, where do you go to school?"

"Blessed Sacrament High School."

"Oh...that's a great school. Do you like it?"

"It's okay."

"Why just okay?"

"Well...Sister I don't really fit in with the other students."

"Ahhh. Well what makes you different from them?"

"I don't have money. I don't have cute clothes or a car. I'm not really interested in boys..."

Madison hesitates a moment.

"What else?"

"It's not really cool to want to be a nun. I mean it's a Catholic school but most of the students don't think it's cool."

"Why do you want to be a nun?"

"I enjoy helping others and I enjoy doing charity work."

"Well you don't have to be a nun to do those things. There are plenty of people out there who do that on a regular basis without joining a religious order."

"I know but there is something about dedicating your life to something beyond yourself, beyond your own life and existence. There is something amazing and beautiful about giving your life to the service of others and living a life close to God."

Sister smiles.

"That is wonderful Madison. I know it is hard dealing with the pressures of high school but I promise things will get better. Be confident in what you want to do with your life. I can already tell you are very intelligent, smart, bright, and you are a special young lady. And you are lucky."

Madison gives her a look of disbelief, wondering how she could be lucky. Lucky isn't getting picked on, not having friends, and spending most of her time alone.

"You are. At the age of 16, you know what you want to do with your life. You have a sense of purpose and a sense of self-awareness that takes most people until they are in their 20's to discover."

Madison begins to smile.

"You are a beautiful young woman, inside and out, and you will be a wonderful nun. But don't forget to enjoy your youth and take your time to decide the best path for yourself. Can you do that for me?"

"Yes Sister, I can."

"And another thing. I think maybe we should go and sit with those girls over there. "

She points at another table of girls already speaking with Sister Robert.

"Come on. It will be fun."

As she gets up from her chair, Madison remains seated.

"I know it is not easy starting conversation with new people. There is always the fear they may not like you, but I am right here. You will be fine."

Without saying anything, Madison gets up out of her seat, grabs her water, and follows Sister to the other table.

"Hi Ladies. Would you mind if Madison and I joined you at your table. We were just discussing why Madison wanted to join a religious order and she was telling me about her journey in making this decision."

Madison sits at the table next to Sister Gerard.

"So Madison," says Sister Robert, "what is it you like about the idea of becoming a sister."

And suddenly, Sister saw a light in her eyes. She saw a little bit of confidence and heard the passion in her voice. Everyone at the table listened to her journey to making this decision. The other girls at the table began to engage her and ask questions. They were laughing, giggling, and even exchanging phone numbers. Both Sisters quietly slip away from the table.

"Allyson, you were meant for this," Sister Robert says as they lean against the back wall of the patio.

"Why do you say that?"

"In just a few minutes you transformed Madison."

"I wouldn't say transformed, but I could see the loneliness in her eyes and I just needed to do something about that. I had to let her get past her own fear, even if it was just for today."

Sister Robert glances at her watch.

"I think now would be a good time to take them to the house."

"Ladies, in just a few minutes," Sister Robert begins after standing, "Sister Gerard and I are going to take you next to see Cherish, the House of St. Agnes. Finish up your lunch and we will be on our way in about five minutes."

Sister Robert tells Sister Gerard she will return in a couple of minutes, and walks to her office to call next door to let Sister Mary Theresa, the director of the safehouse, know that the girls would be over in five minutes.

Sister Robert walks back to the group and with Sister Gerard at her side, leads them to the safehouse.

"Ladies," Sister Gerard begins, "this is Cherish, my pride and joy. This is where I spend most of my day and even some of my nights. This is the work that I enjoy so much and the place that brings me so much joy."

As they walk through the door, a woman with short blonde hair wearing a pink button up shirt, gray pants, and black flats walks toward them.

"Girls, this is Sister Mary Theresa. She will be giving you your tour today. She is the director of Cherish and any questions you have, she will be able to answer for you."

"Good morning ladies. Let me begin by telling you a little about myself and what I do here."

As Sister Theresa begins her introduction, Sister Gerard slips out and walks back to her office in the building next door. Exhausted, she sits down in her chair. The light coming into her office is shining directly on her soft white couch, and it seemed to be taunting her, inviting her to take just a short nap. When she is about to indulge, she looks at the picture of the Blessed Mother hanging next to her bookshelf stacked with multitudes of religious books and some hidden popular novels to read during her lunch.

It was always the Blessed Mother who encouraged her to go on when she was tired and exhausted, but today she is so overwhelmed, not even her life's inspiration could keep her from taking a moment to close her eyes and relax her mind. As she puts her head down, Sister Robert knocks on the door, and sits in one of her navy chairs in front of her desk.

"Tired?" Sister Robert asks.

"Yes."

"So what is your general consensus about the girls today?"

"Honestly, some of them were very difficult to read. I did feel a connection with Madison. She is extremely interested in a religious vocation and we need to make sure she gets the information she needs. Did you get their contact information?"

"Yes ma'am I did."

"Thank you Grace. Do you think I have time to take a nap?"

Both ladies laugh at the idea of taking even more than five minutes to sit and relax. There is a patio that needs to be cleaned.

"I guess we should take care of the mess outside."

"That can wait. I need to talk to you about something important Allyson."

Sister Gerard looks into Sister Robert's green eyes with concern. "Okay," Sister Gerard says hesitantly, and worried.

"Have you ever thought about telling the girls the truth?" Sister Robert asks.

Sister Gerard sighs and folds her arms across her chest.

"I know it is not easy to talk about but the truth could have a greater impact than you could imagine. Most of them are afraid they aren't perfect enough to be sisters or nuns. Wouldn't it be good to know that even Sisters don't have perfect lives."

She continues sitting in silence listening to her friend.

"Allyson, it's just a suggestion and you know it would be good for both you and the girls. Even the girls you counsel would benefit. Please, just think about it. I'll go clean up the patio and you take a few minutes and rest before Sister Theresa calls."

Sister Gerard watches her walk away, persistent in her silence, drumming her fingers on the top of her desk. The phone rings.

"Sister Gerard, the ladies are done with their tour."

"We will be right over."

Sister grabs her business cards.

"Sister Robert" she yells, "the ladies are done. I'm going to go over and speak to them. Can you get Bernie to get the van to take them back to the community center?"

"Yes, consider it done."

Sister walks in the door, all of the ladies huddled in little groups. Sister notices Madison in her own clique, and smiles.

"Ladies," she spoke loudly, "thank you so much for spending this afternoon with us. I hope that you all take everything you have seen today and seriously think about joining our order, or at least volunteering with us once a month. I'm going to give each one of you my card, so if you have any questions, feel free to call. Also, if you want to just stop by and talk...about anything...please feel free."

Sister Gerard turns her attention to her left, "Thank you Sister Theresa. "

Sister leads them all outside where Bernie and Gus are waiting with the vans to take them back to the community center. As Sister is saying goodbye to all of them, Madison approaches her.

"Thank you Sister," she says as she gives her a hug. After a long embrace and without another word, she climbs onto the van, turning a moment to smile, and sits down with one of the girls she met. As the engines start on the vans, they close the van doors and wave to the girls as they disappear down 2nd Avenue North.

"It's been a long day," Sister Gerard says as they walk back inside. "I hope I inspired some of them to at least consider a religious life."

"We can only pray Allyson."

Sister Gerard goes to her office and sits in her chair. She looks at her schedule. Beyond the usual church, teaching Sunday School, and helping at the women's shelter Sunday, all she needs to do is drop by the Safehouse to make sure the daily operations are going smoothly.

"Grace, are you ready to go hun?"

"Just give me one second. I'm just finishing up."

Sister Gerard turns off her computer, grabs her purse, and double checks to make sure she has everything she needs.

"Are you coming in tomorrow?" Sister Robert asks standing at the office door.

"I think I'm coming after Sunday school just to see if they need help with anything. Why do you ask?"

"I was thinking about coming in to do some preparations for our novices joining next month."

"How many are there?"

Suddenly Sister Robert's expression is one of disappointment.

"Only 5."

"Five! That's great Grace. Why do you look so unhappy?"

"It's just less than what I expected with all of the presentations we gave to different schools in the area and speaking to the parishes in our diocese."

"Five is a blessing Grace. Five more dedicated young women will allow us to do more in the community and perhaps start more programs. It's the most we've had in a long time. Cheer up!"

Sister Gerard links her arm with hers and Sister Robert smiles.

"You are right," Sister Robert struggling to at least grin.

"Of course I am."

They both laugh as Sister Robert locks the office door. Sister Gerard drives to St. Peter while Sister Robert glances at some work papers.

"Are you coming in?" she asks as she parks the car.

"Nah, I've already been today. I think I'll sit in the courtyard and meditate a little. It would do me some good to relax."

Sister Gerard walks into the church, dabs into the Holy Water, and makes the sign of the cross. The door to the Confessional is closed, so she kneels in a pew and waits. She thinks about the future of their order and thanks God for the blessing of five new young ladies to join them. As she prays, she hears the door to the confessional open. She walks into the confessional and sits.

"In the name of the Father, the son, and the Holy Spirit. Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been one day since my last confession."

"What is your confession, my child?"

"I have lied Father. I have lied to girls who are seeking the truth from me. But Father, I am ashamed of the truth. I am ashamed to tell them of my past."

"What do you think will happen if you tell the truth?"

"I believe I will disappoint the church. I believe the truth will hurt the mission of the church more than it will help. It will hurt my mission."

"What is your mission?"

"I want to help young women who are struggling. I want to bring young women into religious vocations. I want to improve the lives of youth. I want to give the young people in this community a home...if they don't have one."

"And how will the truth keep you from completing your mission?"

"These young women look up to me; they look up to us. They look to us for guidance. I'm sure my past will change how they see me, and perhaps keep them from coming to me for assistance."

"So this is more about you than them?"

She pauses for a moment.

"Am I being selfish Father? Am I allowing my own fear of judgment to hinder me from making a real impact in the lives of the teenagers I encounter everyday?"

"The only judgment that should concern you is that of God. God knows your heart. Whatever may happen once the truth is exposed, it will be better than the burden you are carrying by keeping it a secret."

"But Father, right now it's my burden. By telling my truth, won't I also be giving that burden to someone else?"

"What makes you think your friends will consider that a cross for them to bear? They will feel overjoyed you felt enough confidence in your sisterhood to trust them with such a deep part of yourself."

"That sounds too good to be true."

"Open your eyes my dear. Don't let your fear of the worst possible outcome cloud your perception of the relationship you have with your Sisters. I hope you see and feel the love they have for you."

"I do Father but..."

"Then why question that love. Their love led you here; why wouldn't that love also do whatever possible to keep you present in their lives?"

Father's words knock the breath out of her already straining lungs, and she is unable to speak, yet alone catch her breath.

"I don't know what to say Father."

"You don't have to say anything. Just think about what I've said. I sense your faith in God is unwavering, but your faith in people is fragile and unstable. And your faith in yourself is nonexistent."

"I sound like an awful person."

"You are a beautiful person. I have a feeling some things have happened in your life that left you unable to turn to anyone but God. I'm certain you will learn to trust."

"Thank you Father. I feel a little battered."

"That was not my intention dear."

"I know Father, I know. I needed to hear the truth."

Father waits for any response, and after two minutes of silence, asks her if there is anything else he can do help.

"Just pray for me Father."

"Of course; you don't have to ask."

"In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit I absolve you of your sin. As an act of penance, I would like you to say two Hail Mary's and really pray for God's strength and courage in your journey in finally letting go."

"Thank you Father."

She walks to a pew, sits for a moment, and then kneels.

"Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death, Amen. God, help me to finally let go of the lie. Help me to let go of the shame. Amen."

Sister Gerard walks out of the church to the courtyard to find Sister Robert sitting in front of the fountain on a bench with her eyes closed, humming. She quietly sits next to her. .

"Isn't Confession supposed to make you feel better?"

"Not every time. Sometimes you hear things you don't want to Allyson."

Even with her eyes still closed, she can feel the look Sister Gerard is giving.

"Don't look at me like that Allyson. We both know what this is about. We both know what you need to do. Maybe this time you will listen."

"I'm scared," she says with tears in her eyes. "I heard Father Richard. I know he is right. I know I am afraid of being judged by my peers and by the ladies who visit us. But I am a nun. I have an image of purity to uphold. I am supposed to be the poster child for a good Catholic woman."

"Allyson, no one, not even God, expects you to be perfect. You are the only one with that expectation. Perhaps showing the young women we help that your life is not perfect and you've had to make difficult choices will show them that they can also move forward in their lives and overcome obstacles."

Sister Gerard closes her eyes and takes in the smell of the hydrangeas, lilies, and tulips. She allows herself to melt into the sound of the water coming down over the stone fountain that empties into the church fish pond. They both sit for another 15 minutes in silence, feeling the air slowly growing cooler as the sun begins to set.

"Grace, it's time to go. One of us has to cook dinner."

Sister Robert laughs.

"Allyson, it will be okay," Sister Robert says as she embraces her. "You are stronger than you think you are my friend."

The only voices heard during the drive home were those of Melissa Block and Michele Norris of "All Things Considered" on NPR. Sister Robert thought that anything she could have said to help the situation may end up doing the opposite.

"I see Lisa is already home," Sister Robert says as they pull into a parking space in front of their apartment. Sisters Gerard, Robert, Patrick, and Luke all live in a modest apartment together. They work at the Safehouse together except for Sister Mary Luke who works as a teacher at Holy Trinity High School and runs the mentoring program there started by the order.

Sister Gerard turns off the car. "Grace, maybe I should do something else."

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe I should teach."

"Allyson, don't be silly. You are amazing at what you do. Now get that out of your head. You are going to stay where you are and you are going to confront the issue and deal with it like an adult."

"Yes ma'am," Sister Gerard says with a smile.

"See, you just needed a little kick in the tush."

Sisters Gerard and Robert get out of their 2000 blue Honda Accord and walk up into the apartment, work in tow. The smell of food cooking engulfs them as they enter the living room.

"Hi ladies," Sister Patrick says to them as they put their stuff down on the burgundy sofa.

In their dedication to their vows, Sisters Gerard, Patrick, Luke, and Robert decide to get a four bedroom apartment together. It is modest yet beautiful. Every part of their home expresses each of their personalities, especially the living space. Sister Mary Luke covered one of the walls with drawings done by art students in the school. The largest wall was painted blue, Sister Gerard's favorite color, where she hung her favorite painting of Pope John Paul II, a crucifix, and a picture of Mother Theresa. The wall behind the small entertainment center with their television and books, had an autographed picture of Sister Patrick and Emeril Lagasse, her favorite chef. The wall closest to the kitchen had a large calendar, Sister Robert's idea, and a couple of awards she had received in college for her academic achievements in Theology. Of course there were photographs of them and their families spread throughout the area, but their favorite sat on the corner side table. It was a picture of them in front of the Vatican two summers ago. They all decided to go for two weeks together, and use the time to deepen their faith. They not only strengthened their dedication to the Catholic Church, but their dedication to each other; they best friends as well as Sisters.

"I hope you don't mind. I was thinking Chinese. So I made a little chicken lo mein."

"Lisa, that sounds wonderful," Sister Robert says.

"Did we get any mail today?" Sister Gerard asks.

"I put your mail on your bed sweetie. Oh...and Kayla is going to be late. She has to take one of the children home. She decided to take them on a trip to the zoo."

"I really hope she got someone else to drive the van," Sister Robert says. All of the ladies laugh. Sister Luke was notorious for her horrible driving.

"I'll be back in a moment ladies. I'm going to take my things in my room and change clothes."

Sister Gerard leaves the room, Sisters Robert and Patrick continuing to talk about their days. She sits down on her bed, takes off her shoes, and lays back on her lilac down comforter. She stares at the popcorn ceiling, her confession replaying over and over in her mind. After contemplating each possible direction she could take, she sits up and walks over to her dresser where she pulls out a college t-shirt and gray sweatpants. She puts her hair in a ponytail, and after hanging up her blazer in her small closet and putting her clothes in the white hamper directly under her personal reminder calendar, puts on a pair of slippers. As she sits on the edge of the bed, she grabs her mail. Along with the usual junk mail and bills is a letter addressed to Ms. Allyson Bishop from the Montgomery family. She stares at the envelope, wondering if she can take another steep hill on her emotional rollercoaster of the day. She breathes a heavy sigh and begins to open the envelope.

"Honey, Kayla is home and dinner is ready," Sister Patrick says in her sweet nurturing southern accent that you can only get being raised in the remote parts of the south, in her case, Ozark, Alabama.

"Okay. I'll be right there," she says as she puts the letter down on her nightstand. As she walks out of the room, she puts on a smile and goes to sit at the round dining room table, perfect for four. The table was completely set with water and drink classes, salad and dinner plates, forks, knives, spoons, and cloth napkins. Sister Patrick believes every meal with her friends is special, and has included a glass of Pinot Grigio with this meal. Tonight, because of the Chinese theme, Sister Patrick has decided on red place settings.

"So Kayla, we were all wondering, did you drive the children to the zoo, and if you did, did they all get back to the school safely?" Everyone at the table giggles, except for Sister Gerard.

"HaHa very funny. As a matter of fact I did drive the van and every student arrived home safe and in one piece."

"Allyson, how was the day with the girls," Sister Luke asks. "Are there any promising women who may consider joining us?"

Sister Gerard does not answer.

"Allyson," Sister Luke says again, attempting to get her attention. Sister Patrick, who is sitting next to her, rubs her arm.

"Allyson, honey," Sister Patrick says. Sister Gerard looks at her as if she is coming out of a dream.

"Oh...I'm sorry. My mind is somewhere else. What was the question?"

"How was the day with the girls?" Sister Luke repeats.

"It was great. I gave them some great information and they seemed to enjoy themselves."

"And how was the tour of the facility?" Sister Patrick asks.

"Well after they finished, they seemed to like it. I didn't stay for the tour this time. Sister Theresa was there so I let her give it."

"You know, I always worry about giving tours of the facility, especially since it is residential. We definitely have our bad days."

"Yes, but there are more good days than bad," Sister Gerard replies. "Today, I went in around 8am and it was calmer than usual. Not a lot of girls were downstairs in the common area and the house seemed quiet overall. I took that as a sign that it was a perfect day to give a tour. And when I took them over, I saw Crystal and Trisha talking in the common area, and they seemed to be having what seemed civil conversation. Of course the house itself was louder than when I inspected in the morning, but that's to be expected with the cooks preparing lunch and the multiple classes that would be going on. At least Sister Theresa didn't say anything to me when they left so I just assumed it was a successful visit. And the calm non-freaked out looks on the girls' faces indicated that there probably was not an incident the 45 minutes they were there."

"Any promising young women," Sister Luke asks.

"Yes...Madison Stanford, bright young lady who was very interested in joining a religious order. Oh...Grace...did you tell them the good news?"

Sister Robert looks puzzled.

"About the new members."

"Oh..right." Suddenly a light went on. "We are getting 5 new women this month," Sister Robert tells them.

"Oh my gosh, that is such a blessing," says Sister Patrick, obviously ecstatic.

"Five girls. That is the most we have had in one class in years. Ladies, you must be doing something right," says Sister Luke as she takes a sip of her diet coke.

"I guess," Sister Robert says, disappointment still in her voice. "I think we can get more next month though."

"Sweetheart," begins Sister Luke, "five is a beautiful number to hear. We have to remember there is only so much we can do and ultimately it is their choice whether or not they want to participate in a religious vocation. And this life isn't for everyone and honestly, I rather have 2 girls certain of their choice than 20 who are only 50% sure of the path they want to take."

"You are right but I still feel like I could have done more."

"Gracie, I know you and I know you did all you could. I know you put all of your being into inspiring these girls to become part of our mission. Remember, just because they choose not to join does not mean you didn't make an impact. Now buck up honeybun. Five new members shows that you are truly dedicated to this order and our mission. Quality...not quantity."

No matter what Sister Luke says, the sound of her voice could soothe any aching heart, and Sister Robert begins to smile again. That sense of pride returns and she finally feels content in what she had done as a sort of recruiter for the Sisters of Maria Goretti.

"So, are we up for a little bowling? Maybe a little tennis?" asks Sister Robert.

"Who's going to clean the kitchen?" asks Sister Patrick.

"We can worry about that tomorrow. Come on...let's have some fun, " says Sister Robert in her cheerleader voice, reminiscent of her days as head cheerleader at Blessed Sacrament High School.

"Grace, I think I'm a little too tired for some friendly competition," says Sister Gerard.

"Come on Ally, how much effort does it take to swing your arm?"

"I'm sorry ladies but I'm not in the mood for Wii tonight. I'll have to take a raincheck. I promise, I'll make it up to you," and she slips back to her room and closes the door. She makes her way to the bathroom and starts a warm bath. As she looks in the mirror, studying the bags under her eyes, she hears the noise of falling pins.

"Hmmm....they decided on bowling," she says to herself as she slips into the tub. She lays her head back and closes her eyes, hoping that when she opens them, her conversations with the priest and Sister Robert would have disappeared. How as a nun can she continue to lie about her life? No...no one blatantly asked her if she had some skeletons in her closet, but a lie by omission is still a lie.

"Maybe Father Richard has a point," she thinks as she pulls down her blue and pink loufa sponge and grabs her Walgreens brand body wash. Maybe it is selfish to withhold parts of her life out of fear of judgment. Perhaps, like Sister Robert said, her life could inspire the teenagers and women she is trying so desperately to inspire and guide. Maybe divulging her colorful past can help these ladies in crisis figure out a world they assume is black and white.

Sister Gerard stands up in the tub and lets the water out, turning on the shower to wash off the bubbles. She steps out onto her blue bath mat, puts on her lilac robe, wipes off her bubblegum pink tub, and goes back to her room. She can still hear the ladies bowling in the den. For a moment she wishes she had joined them and at least attempted to take her mind off of her predicament; if not for herself and a little time to escape, at least for her friends who seemed excited to take a break and have some fun.

After putting on her pajamas, Sister Gerard let the ponytail out of her hair. As she turns from the mirror, she notices something on the floor by her door. It is a note.

Dear Allyson. I know you have had a difficult and emotional day. I am here for you always. Have a wonderful night and sweet dreams. Your friend, Gracie.

P.S. Lisa won...again. We think she is somehow cheating.

Sister Gerard smiles at the note and puts it on her mirror. She puts on her pajamas and slips into bed under her pink cotton sheets. She sits up against the backboard and grabs the envelope on her nightstand.

Dear Allyson,

Gabrielle is doing beautifully. She just celebrated her 16th birthday, as you already know. We received the gift you sent her and she loved it. We told her it was from us like you asked. We want you to know she is doing very well in school. She has a 3.7 G.P.A and we are very proud of her. She is definitely smart just like you. Unfortunately she is getting to that age where she is liking boys, and she has a boyfriend. Of course we don't like him, but we wouldn't like anyone she is dating at her age. We think she should wait to date, however her boyfriend Chris actually seems like a nice guy. He is very smart and intelligent, wants to be a doctor, no tattoos or piercings, and seems to make Gabrielle happy. I guess that is all we can ask for at this point.

She is still trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life. She is deciding which schools she wants to apply to. She is looking at local colleges, such as Birmingham Southern and Samford, and she is also looking at Tulane, Florida State University, Brown, and the University of Hawaii. Right now she thinks she wants to be a lawyer, but I don't think that is going to stick. This past summer she helped tutor some children in reading and she loved every second of it. We think she is going to change her interest to teaching.

We did get her a car for her birthday. She has definitely earned it. She does well in school, she volunteers, and she is a great sister to her younger brother. We bought her a Honda Accord, so do not worry, she has a good reliable safe car.

Allyson, I know this is hard for you but I wish you would reconsider letting us tell her she is adopted. She is getting older and she is a very bright girl and I rather her hear it from us than figure it out on her own some years from now. I know the life you have chosen makes it difficult for you to have a connection with her, but I was hoping you would at least let us tell her she is adopted and then we can go from there.

I hope things are going well with you Allyson. I know I say this in every letter, but thank you for giving us such a beautiful gift. I want you to know you are family and we think about you every day, especially when Gabrielle smiles; she looks just like you.

Gabrielle is in good health and she is happy. You have a beautiful daughter that is growing up to be a wonderful young woman. I'm sorry we haven't sent a picture in a while, but we will send you a picture when we get the pictures from her 16th birthday party developed. We want you to know her and we hope you will reconsider your decision not to meet her.

Many blessings Sister,

The Montgomery Family, David and Susan.

Tears smudged the handwritten note as Sister Gerard folds it back up and puts it back in the envelope. She gets out of bed, and walks barefoot across the beige carpet to her closet. She grabs a box from the top of her closet and places the envelope in it with the other letters she has received every month for 16 years. After placing the box back in the closet, Sister Gerard slips back into bed, turns off her lamp, says a short prayer, and attempts a good night's sleep.

# Chapter 2

The rain was coming down hard as Allyson walked from her meeting with her advisor to her dorm. The green leaves had been replaced by bright colors of orange and yellow and the slight chill in the air had forced many students to result to movie watching and video games instead of the usual ultimate Frisbee or tanning. Although it was a light sweater day, and comfortable by most Southerners' standards, the rain kept most from enjoying the break from the heat.

Allyson had spent the morning in class and had skipped her usual turkey sandwich and baked lays lunch to talk to her advisor about her plans to go abroad that next semester to England to study the Anglican Church and its conflicts with Roman Catholicism.

Allyson walked by the covered patio area outside the student center and saw her roommate Clarissa smoking a cigarette and reading. She could see her black boots sticking out from the side of the table, and the edge of her flaired black skirt moved slightly in the wind.

"You really should quit," Allyson said as she walked up to the table.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. It's not like you don't tell me everyday," Clarissa said as she smoothed her blonde bangs behind her ear and adjusted her denim jacket, her bright pink shirt screaming from beneath it.

Allyson put down her bag and umbrella and sat next to her.

"You look stressed," Clarissa said as Allyson settled into the iron chair on the other side of the table.

"I am," she responded, taking out her planner, compulsively marking the things completed on her to do list and adding a few things to her schedule.

"Didn't you have a meeting about your study abroad trip today?"

"Yep."

"And how did that go?"

"It went well. It will be an amazing experience...if I get to go."

"Why won't you get to go?"

"Doesn't matter...so what are you up to this weekend?"

Clarissa was taken aback by Allyson's reluctance to answer the question, but instead of prying and persisting, like she would normally, she immediately conceded to the change in subject. The look on Allyson's face suggested Clarissa's usual nosiness would be greatly unappreciated.

"Justin is coming into town," she said with a smile and put out her cigarette on the makeshift ashtray she made from the cap of a juice bottle.

"Should I find other sleeping arrangements?" Allyson asked.

"Ally please no speech about fornication and how wrong it is and how I'm going to hell and blah blah blah."

"I wasn't going to say that."

"Mmmhmm," Clarissa said in disbelief. "Seriously, no need to go home for the weekend or anything. He is getting a hotel this time. He says he has a surprise for me."

"I hope it isn't a ring," Allyson said disapprovingly.

"A ring? You think so?" Clarissa said in excitement. She hadn't taken the time to contemplate her future with Justin, but suddenly she was bombarded with pleasant thoughts of married life. With the growing smile on Clarissa's face, she could see she had released a monster. Before she could completely indulge in the possibilities, she came back to the reality of Allyson's comment. "But why don't you want him to ask me to marry him?" she continued.

Allyson despised having to answer that question. Although Clarissa was always one to ignore what others thought of her decisions, Allyson still feared the sting of the truth.

"Clarissa, you know I think he's a bum. I mean, he doesn't have a job, he doesn't go to school, and just lives off of his rich parents who don't demand him to actually begin to show signs of being an adult."

"He's just trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. Besides, he treats me well. Doesn't that mean something?"

"Sure...it's good for a boyfriend. That's not enough to be a husband."

Clarissa picked up her left hand and looked at it, imagining the 3 Carats that could be sitting on it tomorrow. Allyson knew her words had made very little impact. It's difficult finding the right words to penetrate love's bias, and clear the rose colored lenses.

"You know, it's good you are becoming a nun. Only God could live up to your expectations."

Both girls laughed.

There was some truth in Clarissa's words. Allyson projected her own high expectations of herself onto the people around her. She didn't really know the origins of her unreasonable high expectations because even her parents allowed for less. When she was in 10th grade and received her first, and subsequent only B, she punished herself and spent the entire weekend of her birthday studying. Instead of celebrating with her friends, like her parents encouraged her to, she settled for an extreme form of self-discipline. Allyson had always been her toughest critic.

"There is nothing wrong with being a perfectionist Clarissa."

"You keep telling yourself that but it's just like any other disease. Once it begins to interfere with your daily functioning, it is a problem."

Allyson never believed striving to excel or achieve greatness was a flaw.

Allyson grabbed her bag and umbrella, offended and disappointed.

"Ally, where are you going?"

"I'm going back to the room."

Sometimes Allyson felt Clarissa purposefully pushed her buttons to gauge how intense her reaction would be that day. However unfair that reaction, when Clarissa decided it was time to pick on Allyson, she always chose her compulsive and anal-retentive nature.

"Oh come on...stay. We'll have a smoothie."

"I don't think so. I think we've done enough talking."

Allyson had enough to deal with and did not want to conclude her afternoon with Clarissa preaching to her about her personality flaws.

"Ally, sit down. You know I love you. Sit down."

Allyson knew Clarissa's heart was in the right place, but her timing sucked. She had a lot on her mind and the last thing she needed to hear about was her continued mistakes and bad choices. She put her bag over her shoulders. She could see the regret in Clarissa's green eyes, but decided to remove herself from the conversation.

"Clarissa, I'm not upset. I'll see you later," she said as she walked away from the table. Clarissa sat there smoking the last of another cigarette. She could never explain how she and Allyson became friends. The perfectionist and the spontaneous laid-back low maintenance girl had become close friends in their three years of college, and two years of living together. But today, Allyson appeared on edge and frustrated, so she finished her Marlboro light and headed back to the room.

The moment Allyson got back to her room she put down her bag and went to the bathroom. "Please be here. Please be here," she said as she went into the stall, passing the shower, hearing one of her other roommates singing Cindy Lauper. After 5 minutes, Allyson walked back into her room, and began sobbing, planting her face in her pillow. Clarissa could hear her crying before she even got to the door.

"Allyson? What's wrong?" she said as she walked in her room and sat on the edge of her bed. They had the typical dorm suite, a bland common area, four separate rooms, and individual stalls for the shower, toilet, and sinks. The only distinguishing factor was the navy blue painted wall in the common room that they did without permission and were obligated to paint white before they moved out at the end of their now junior year. Allyson had the first room, and except for a few posters of Christian Rock Bands and a crucifix, had barely decorated it. She had even kept the furniture arrangement the same, opting not to individualize her room. Her twin bed was on the back wall next to the window, dresser and desk on the left, and small closet on the right.

Allyson did not say a word and Clarissa just sat there with her hand on her back. After a few minutes, she reached over to the desk to turn off the "Bad Day" tape Allyson compiled, and reached to pull Allyson's hair out of her face.

"Ally, please tell me what is wrong."

Allyson sat up slowly, her feet touching the ugly turquoise carpet on the floor. Without a word, Allyson wrapped her arms around Clarissa's neck.

"Allyson, you are scaring me," she said as she held her, feeling tears dripping on her shoulder. "Allyson just tell me what is going on before I really get freaked out. Do you need me to do something?"

Allyson pulled back, wiping the tears off of her face. "I'm sorry I stained your shirt. It's such a pretty shade of pink," she said, holding back her tears enough so she could at least speak a complete sentence.

"Allyson, stop. What is wrong?"

"I need you to do something for me?"

"Anything. What is it?"

Allyson took a deep breath, finding it difficult to even say the words. This is one question she never expected to ask anyone.

"Will you go with me to get a pregnancy test?"

"What the fuck?! For yourself?"

"Yes," she said beginning to sob again.

Clarissa could see that her reaction was not one that could soothe Allyson's building anxiety..

"Allyson, you had sex?" Clarissa asked in continued disbelief.

"Yes."

"With who?"

"Could you please stop with the questions Clarissa? Damnit!."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just in shock. I never expected you to have sex with someone so I'm getting over two unexpected revelations here. It's just going to take a minute."

Clarissa got off the bed and paced, as much as she could with only five feet of room to walk. After many deep breaths, she leaned against the desk.

"Allyson, are you going to tell me how this happened?"

"I rather not."

"Well obviously you had sex. Do Catholic families not tell their children how babies are made?" Clarissa said with a smile.

Allyson cracked a grin and even let out a quiet laugh.

"I knew that would at least get a smile."

"Thanks. I needed that," Allyson said wiping latent tears from her cheek.

"Are you going to keep this guy a secret? Do you like him?"

"I am going to keep him a secret and I liked him a little."

"Sounds like you don't like him anymore. Was the sex that bad?"

They both laughed.

"Well considering I have nothing to compare it to, I don't know if it was good or bad."

"My Allyson is no more the Eternal Virgin. I'm kind of disappointed."

She appreciated Clarissa's attempts to diffuse the situation with humor, but they were fruitless, and actually made the desperation of her circumstance more palpable. Allyson stood up and walked over to her desk, putting some things in her purse. Clarissa's voice was drowned by the thousands of thoughts in her head.

"You ready to go?" Allyson asked Clarissa, holding her purse in her hand.

"Just give me a second."

Clarissa walked in her room. Her walls were covered in posters from Nirvana to Emily Dickinson. She had pictures of family and friends everywhere and had decided, against school rules, to put her bed on concrete blocks to make it higher. She grabbed her homemade purse she found at a flea market and her keys. She found Allyson sitting on the common room sofa, staring at the wall.

"I'm ready honey. Of course I'll drive. You are too upset to get behind the wheel."

They walked to the student parking lot behind the science building, the only place where there was a parking spot when Clarissa got home last night from ladies night at her favorite bar Sophia's. The walk to the car was silent; Clarissa was afraid to ask the questions that would certainly feed her curiosity, but would most likely cause Allyson to break down again. Clarissa waited for Allyson to talk, hoping that Allyson would confide in her when she was ready.

"Why don't you just go to the school's health center? I'm sure the nurse has pregnancy tests," Clarissa said as they got into her black Toyota Camry.

"Clarissa, this isn't exactly something I want anyone to know about. She knows about me wanting to go into religious vocations. I don't want the same look from anyone else like the one you gave me when I told you."

Clarissa didn't respond and simply started the car.

"Well, how far outside of the city do you want me to go?" She said rolling her eyes. "Do you want me to pretend it's for me?"

The slight sarcasm and frustration in Clarissa's voice surprised Allyson.

"What is your problem Clarissa? You don't have to be so mean."

"I'm sorry but you act like this doesn't happen to women everyday. Sometimes shit happens and you have to deal with it. You made a mistake. You are fucking human. And you are hiding something. I'm supposed to be your best friend. I'm not everyone else Allyson. I'm not going to judge you."

Allyson didn't respond and Clarissa drove off, driving 20 minutes outside of the city to best preserve Allyson's reputation. Ten minutes into the car ride and neither girl had said anything to each other.

"Allyson, I'm sorry. I should be a little more sensitive, but I wish you would trust me."

"I know. I'm just ashamed. I don't want to talk about it with anyone...not even my best friend. I don't want you to see me differently."

"I promise that won't happen."

"How do you know?"

Clarissa couldn't respond in a way that would satisfy Allyson's sensibilities. Instead she just looked at her as lovingly as possible, and took her hand.

"Here we are. Do you want me to go in and get it? Seriously, I don't mind doing it for you."

"No. Perhaps dealing with this will be easier if I get it myself."

"I mean...are you sure you are pregnant?"

"Well my period is 7 days late."

"Did the condom break?"

Allyson quietly got out of the car, closed the car door and walked slowly toward the CVS. Clarissa ran to Allyson and grabbed her arm, stopping her in her tracks.

"Allyson, did you use protection?"

Allyson remained silent.

"I guess that's a no," Clarissa said following her through the sliding doors.

Both girls walked into the florescent lighting, ambushed by Christmas decorations and holiday gifts.

"Can't we get past Thanksgiving first?" Clarissa said to Allyson as they walked past the store Christmas tree.

Allyson took a quick look around the store to see if she knew someone. They walked to aisle 7 with the feminine products, and Allyson stared at the different pregnancy tests available.

"How do you know which one is a good one?"

Clarissa shrugged her shoulders.

"I've seen this brand on TV a lot," Allyson said as she picked up the pink EPT box. As she walked toward the cash register, she stopped.

"Clarissa, what if this says yes?"

"We will deal with that when we get to that point. Right now we should just get the test and then maybe go have some dinner."

Allyson smiled at Clarissa. "I don't think I can do anything until I know if I'm pregnant. Maybe I should get two or three different kinds."

"That's a good idea. There is no harm in making sure of the result before you make any decisions."

Allyson grabbed three other pregnancy tests. Before getting to the front of the store, she handed the boxes to Clarissa.

"Please," she said, pleading with her eyes.

Clarissa took the boxes without saying a word, knowing Allyson was emotionally unable to claim those tests as her own.

Allyson didn't even stand at the register, but instead walked outside. After purchasing the tests, Clarissa joined Allyson, her eyes gazing into the sky.

"Ally, I got them. We can go."

"Can I have a cigarette?"

"Uh...I don't think so. I'm not letting you do that."

"Your best friend is about to be swallowed by stress, anger, frustration, disappointment and about to face something impossible. I think a cigarette would be okay. I mean...I'm pregnant. I'm sure I've ruined my relationship with God already. Just please let me have one."

Clarissa debated whether to let her have one. She thought she would be a terrible friend to give her one and Allyson would believe she was a terrible friend if she didn't. Allyson looked at Clarissa, waiting for her answer.

"Fine Allyson," Clarissa said as she reached in her purse, pulled out a cigarette and a lighter, and gave it to Allyson. "You are going to think it is disgusting."

Allyson just grabbed the cigarette and the lighter.

"Don't inhale."

"What's the point if I'm not going to inhale?"

"Just don't okay. Just give it to me."

Clarissa grabbed the cigarette and lit it for her. "Here...don't inhale."

Allyson grabbed the cigarette and took a drag, immediately coughing.

"I told you not to inhale."

"Whatever."

Both girls stood by the car smoking their cigarettes. Silence was the music of the evening and Allyson stood there, attempting to exhale her current dilemma with every drag. Allyson was so engrossed in her thoughts she didn't notice she had smoked the cigarette to the butt.

"Allyson, I think you are done," Clarissa said putting out her own cigarette on the ground.

"Oh," Allyson said throwing the butt on the ground and getting into the car.

"Did that make you feel better?"

"A little. For a little while I thought about the possibility of getting lung cancer instead of being pregnant from a one night stand."

Allyson laughed at the ridiculousness of her statement.

"Well," Clarissa said, "whatever helps."

On the ride back to campus, Clarissa tried to direct the conversation to topics that would lighten the afternoon. To aid that, Clarissa put in her New Kids on the Block tape that she hid under mounds of paper in her glove compartment.

The drive back to campus seemed to take twice as long as usual, especially since it had begun to rain furiously.

Allyson was relieved when they arrived on campus safely, and was even happier when they happened upon a parking spot right in front of their dorm. They both quickly walked through the crowded dorm lobby and went straight to their suite. Allyson spread the four boxes on the bed and looked at them.

"I'm scared," Allyson said.

"I know...that's why I'm here. I'll help you get through this."

As these words came out of her mouth, Clarissa looked at the clock.

"Shit! I'm supposed to meet Justin at the hotel in an hour."

Clarissa went to her room to grab her cordless phone, her date book, and the phone book.

"I really hope I wrote down the name of the hotel," Clarissa said as she searched through her date book.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think I'm doing Ally? I'm calling the hotel to leave a message for Justin to tell him I'm cancelling tonight and I'll meet him in the morning."

"No...Clarissa. I don't want you to cancel your plans. He came all the way from Orlando to visit you. You should go see him and have fun. Someone should be enjoying their life right now."

"I am not leaving you. And even if I did decide to go, I would be thinking about you all night. You are my best friend and I'm staying with you."

Allyson was relieved at Clarissa's loyalty. As Clarissa called the hotel, Allyson stared at the boxes across her bed. There was two lines versus one line, pink versus clear, a dot versus no dot, and her favorite, a smiley face versus a sad face. She thought maybe there should be one that says, "your life is over" versus "you've still got a chance."

"Okay...situation resolved. So which one do you want to try first?"

"Well this one you just pee right on it and wait a few minutes. This one is the same way. This one you drop some of your urine into this concoction and if it changes to a pink color, you are pregnant. And this one, well you drop a sample of your urine onto this stick and it's going to show a happy face or sad face. The irony in this one is kind of funny."

"What do you mean?"

"Well obviously the manufacturers believe that a positive result would be a happy occasion. I guess they weren't thinking about the women in my situation."

"Maybe we should complain," said Clarissa. "They need to be more sensitive to all customers and not just make assumptions like that. I mean, who do they think they are? We should right them a letter, or better yet, report them to the Better Business Bureau for being insensitive pricks"

Clarissa's over-dramatics amused Allyson almost to the point of hysterical laughter.

After Clarissa was done with her shenanigans that lasted almost five minutes and included an impression of an industry CEO, Allyson grabbed all of the tests and went to the stall. About 6 minutes later, Allyson came out, looking more worried than she had all night. Allyson began to cry.

"Ally, you don't know what it's going to say."

"Yes I do."

Allyson put her head on Clarissa's shoulder. She thought about the disappointment in her parent's eyes. She thought about the father and the hypothetical baby. She thought about her future as a nun and if that future would be possible. She thought about what she would do if those tests were positive. She prayed for all four to be negative, or at least one. One negative would leave some doubt and she could remain in denial and ignore the reality of the situation for at least the rest of the weekend.

"How long has it been Clarissa?"

"5 minutes."

"I can't go look. I can't."

Clarissa got up from the bed and walked to the white sink counter where she had placed all of their tests, and next to them their corresponding boxes. Even in crisis, Allyson was organized and efficient. Clarissa examined all of the tests and checked and double checked each result. Allyson remained on the bed, squirming as she waited.

"Maybe it will be good news," Allyson thought to herself. Maybe God had answered her prayers. Maybe she could just put this weekend behind her as one of those pregnancy scares and move on with the future she had planned for herself, uninterrupted. For a moment, there was a slight glimmer of hope in Allyson's eyes. Maybe all of those tests would say...

"Allyson, they are positive."

Allyson stared at Clarissa unable to move or speak.

"I'm so sorry," Clarissa said as she sat next to her.

"I need to go," Allyson said as she grabbed her purse and walked towards the suite door.

"Allyson, where are you going?"

"I don't know Clarissa, I don't know. Is there somewhere that can make me forget? Something that would allow me to go back in time and change everything that led up to this."

"Ally," Clarissa said with such sympathy and love it would break anyone's heart.

"Is there some way to not make this real? Am I going to wake up in 5 minutes and realize it was a terrible nightmare? Is this my reality? Am I being punished? Did I do something wrong?"

At this point Clarissa was at a loss for the perfect heartening words. She thought it best to just allow Allyson to vent. By this time, Allyson had been pacing across the floor for 3 minutes, trying to make sense of this situation.

"I guess telling you shit happens wouldn't help?"

Allyson gave Clarissa a look that would scare Charles Manson.

"Guess not," Clarissa said leaning against the door frame.

"Does the God that I was going to dedicate my life to hate me? Did I betray Him?"

"No Allyson, you didn't betray Him. He loves you."

"Then why did He betray me?"

"You should have worn something of mine," Clarissa said to Allyson, looking at what was supposed to be a girls' night out ensemble that looked more like a Saturday evening dinner at Fuddruckers.

"I don't have anything else. I was going to be a nun, remember."

"Well, you aren't one yet."

The rock music could be heard at least 30 feet from the door. The crowd of Mohawks, fishnet shirts, leather jackets, and greasy hair was definitely not Allyson's scene, but Clarissa convinced her that instead of spending the night agonizing over her future, she should spend the night having fun...in the present.

Sophia's was especially crowded tonight; the line to get in went down the block, stretching into the cobblestone street. Since the rise to stardom of Nirvana, everyone was curious what the grunge rock scene was about. The outside of the bar was plain, except for the large neon pink Sophia's sign over the front entrance. From the outside, the building looked like it should be condemned, with the façade of a haunted house. But once inside and past the less than intimidating body guards, who looked more like high school hall monitors, the interior looked expensive and to Allyson's surprise, was bright and inviting.

"Don't you love it?" Clarissa asked as they made their way through the crowd.

"It's okay," Allyson said, unwilling to admit her pleasant surprise.

Sophia's was one of those bars that every few years got a facelift. It began as a disco, then an 80's dance club, and now it was a rock bar. Of course small changes had to be made to the ambiance so it would match its current venture. Keeping the 80's charm, the bright neon colors remained inside. The walls and furniture with black, neon pinks, greens, oranges, and yellows, the same colors in the lighting, decorations, and even in the clothing of the female employees. Luckily the owner had the sense to keep the male employees in all black.

Clarissa and Allyson walked around looking for an empty table. Although the tables were black, each of them had what looked like glow in the dark stickers on them, and so did the chairs.

"Oh look, there's an empty table in the back," Clarissa said pointing at a table about three feet from a considerably small stage for the live entertainment.

"Clarissa, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to sit right next to the speakers."

Allyson was having to speak louder than she ever imagined she would have to speak in normal conversation.

"It's pretty loud in here. Why don't we sit outside in one of the patio seats?"

"It's a bar Ally. It's supposed to be loud."

"Clarissa, cut me some slack. I'm completely out of my comfort zone here. Can't we compromise?"

Clarissa thought for a moment. She wanted to be right there in front when The Purple People Eaters started. The lead singer was on the wall right in front of her bed, and she wanted to see every drop of sweat come off of his face while he sang. She looked at Allyson, and reminded herself that this night was about her.

"Okay, we can sit outside. Let's get some drinks first."

"I don't drink."

"Why not Ally?"

Allyson looked at Clarissa like she was crazy, asking herself how many times she would have to remind Clarissa of her aspirations of becoming a nun.

"Don't give me that crazy look, like I'm stupid. Jesus drank wine didn't he?"

Allyson stood there for a moment. Clarissa had a good point. Maybe just one drink wouldn't hurt. And considering the only alcohol she had ever had was communion wine, one drink would probably be enough.

"Let's go to the bar and then we can take our drinks outside."

Allyson nodded her head, already tired of straining her voice. Both ladies walked to the small bar closer to the stage, the bar closer to the door overcrowded.. Both ladies sat down on the black and white stools.

"So, what can I get for you ladies?" the bartender asked.

Both ladies turned to look. Before them was a very handsome tall brunette with green eyes and a smile that could convince you to do anything; Clarissa couldn't take her eyes off of his chest that she couldn't help but notice in his black tank.

Allyson looked at him. "Brad?"

"Allyson, what's up?"

Neither one of them looked like they were happy to see each other.

"What are you doing here Allyson?" Brad asked, surprised to see the future nun out after 10 and in a bar.

"Girls' night out."

"Sounds like fun."

"I'm Clarissa," she said reaching out her hand. "You are fucking hot."

"Clarissa!" Allyson said shaking her head. "I'm sorry for her comment. She has no shame. But she does have a boyfriend."

"Oh Ally don't ruin my fun. A little flirtation won't do any harm. How do you guys know each other?"

Allyson looked at him.

"He goes to school with us. He's in my Philosophy of Religion class."

"Oh Cool. Maybe I should get into that class," Clarissa said with a seductive smile.

Allyson sat there, trying her best not to make eye contact with Brad. Clarissa continued talking to him, while Allyson turned her stool around to face the ever growing crowd. There was an eclectic mix of people. Of course there were the wannabe rock stars with their grungy unwashed hair, dark jeans, white t-shirts, flannel shirts, and the distant high look. There were also those still wishing this was an 80's disco with their bright leggings, short skirts, and large curly hair. And then there were the ones like Allyson who didn't really fit into any particular category, wearing trend neutral clothing, coming because they were curious or were convinced by a friend who they will eventually seek revenge upon.

After making some observations about the crowd, Allyson turned around to Clarissa.

"Okay Clarissa. Let's just get our drinks."

After slipping her phone number to Brad, Clarissa turned to Allyson, "Okay, okay, we'll both have a screwdriver and a shot of tequila."

Allyson looked at Clarissa, mouth open.

"Clarissa, I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Oh come on Allyson. Of all days I think you need to actually have some fun. Just let go honey...just let go."

"Are you ladies celebrating something?" Brad asked, leaning across the bar, looking at Allyson.

"No," Clarissa said, "just taking a night to relax. Right, Allyson? Just trying to let go of the stress."

Allyson looked at Clarissa with disgust.

"Fine...but after the shot, we are going outside."

"Oh but I'm having so much fun talking to Brad here."

"I'll get those drinks for you ladies," he said as he walked away.

"I can't believe you Clarissa. What about Justin?"

"Oh please Allyson. It's just fun, and besides, I gave him your number not mine," she said with a smile.

"Why?"

"I could see the way he was looking at you. He was more interested in you than me."

"Well thanks for trying, but he already has it anyway."

Clarissa looked at Allyson in disbelief.

"He already has it? I want details."

Before Allyson could respond, Brad came back with their shots Clarissa picked up one and gave it to Allyson.

"What should we toast to?"

Allyson thought for a moment. "To a better day tomorrow."

"Sounds good to me," said Clarissa,

"Don't forget to suck on your lime after you take the shot," Clarissa said to Allyson.

Allyson felt her face and throat burning as she swallowed.

"That was disgusting Clarissa," she said feeling the tequila burn her esophagus as it made its way down.

"Maybe, but in a few minutes you are going to feel great," she said with a smile.

By the time they had finished their first shot, Brad had brought them their drinks.

"So, Ladies, are you going to stay and keep me company?"

"Sure, we'd love...." Clarissa began, but before she could finish her sentence, Allyson grabbed her arm and looked at Brad, "I'm sorry Brad, but we are going to go sit outside, where it's a little more quiet."

Clarissa gave Allyson a look of disappointment, but grabbed her drink, gave Brad a wink, and they both walked out the side door next to the front bar to the enormous patio area. They found a seat in the corner. In the center of each round black table was a lit candle in a small red vase. Allyson didn't think it was safe to have an open flame around a lot of drunk people, but it was a nice touch.

"Ally, what is your issue? Brad was cute. And when did you give him your phone number?"

"About a month and half ago. He wanted my help in class so I told him we could study together."

Clarissa put her hand over her mouth as she began to laugh. "You do realize he was just trying to find a way to spend more time with you. His plan...study with you on a regular basis then ask you out."

"Well I know that NOW."

"Ally, did he ask you out?"

"Yeah."

"And what did you say?"

"I said no of course. There was no point in dating when it could never turn into something serious."

"Ally...that's so crazy," Clarissa said, reaching into her purse for a cigarette. "You know Ally, you are still allowed to live your life and who knows; maybe you would have reconsidered your path or at least decided to hold off on committing your life to God to commit your life to someone you can actually see, kiss, and touch for a little while."

"Clarissa..." Allyson started, but she decided not to start a debate over her choice, once again, in a bar surrounded by strangers. "Nevermind, I don't feel like having this argument with you."

"Ally, I'm sorry," Clarissa said as she scooted in closer to her, reaching her arms out to give her a hug. Allyson sat there for a moment and looked into Clarissa's eyes. "Please forgive me Ally. It's your life and your choice and it takes guts to do what you want to do. I think it's awesome if it will make you happy." Allyson continued to sit there. After Clarissa pleaded one more time, Allyson conceded and hugged her.

"I forgive you Clarissa. But let's just leave the religious vocational future alone for a little while. I don't even know if I can even have that anymore."

"Lips are sealed."

"Thank you."

Clarissa took a sip of her drink and drag of her cigarette.

"So...tell me about this whole Brad thing. Did he ever convince you to go out with him?"

"Well...yeah actually. He said that he just wanted to hang out and it didn't have to be anything serious. He said we could just be friends and that he wasn't proposing marriage or anything. It was kind of funny and I thought he had a point, so I went to dinner with him."

"Oh my gosh! Yay!" Clarissa said, sounding like a mother the night of her daughter's first prom. "Did you have fun?"

"It was okay. He was funny, smart, intelligent, and sweet."

"Where did you go to dinner?"

"Bonanza. I had never been there before. The food was amazing, especially the cheesecake."

"MMMHMMM," Clarissa said, waiting for the juicier details. "What else happened?"

"Nothing," Allyson said in a non-convincing voice, taking a sip of her drink and looking to the sky.

"You liar! He kissed you didn't he?"

Allyson sat in silence, hoping if she sat there long enough Clarissa would let it go. However she knew her well and she never let anything go until she got the answer she wanted.

"Maybe."

"I knew it. I could tell at the bar when he was looking at you that he really liked you. Are you going to go out with him again?"

Allyson gave a huge sigh, preparing for Clarissa's reaction when she said "I already did."

"Ally, how can I be your roommate and not know that all of this is going on? Two dates and I am clueless. You are very good at hiding things."

Allyson laughed.

"Do you like him? I mean you weren't exactly giving him loving and affectionate looks while we were sitting at the bar."

"I've been thinking about marrying him lately."

"Oh wow, really? Is the connection that amazing? I totally wouldn't have guessed considering how you were acting."

"Well I may have to Clarissa."

"Why would you have to marry him?" she asked.

Allyson took the last sip of her drink and looked at Clarissa, rubbing her stomach. Clarissa just looked at her for moment. After half a minute, Clarissa's mouth dropped and she screamed.

"Fuck Allyson. He is your baby daddy?!"

"Say it louder Clarissa. I don't think the Pope heard you."

Clarissa settled down. "Allyson, Brad is the guy you slept with?"

Allyson just nodded her head.

"Are you going to tell him?"

Allyson shrugged her shoulders. "I need another shot."

Clarissa rubbed Allyson's back. "That's my girl," she said as she called over the waitress.

Allyson and Clarissa spent the night drinking, talking, and laughing. Allyson had never felt this way in her life. And it had seemed to slip her mind that she was with child, and after the 4th shot, it didn't seem important. Allyson had discovered a way to forget.

As Allyson awoke at 10am, she immediately felt a pounding headache when her eyes made contact with the morning sun. Her clothes still on, she pulled off the sheets and attempted to stand. Allyson couldn't remember what happened last night, and was eager to find Clarissa. When she noticed the trash can full of vomit next to her bed, she knew it couldn't be anything good. Not only did she have a pounding headache, but the nausea was unbearable.

When she was finally able to stand, she walked toward Clarissa's room. Before she could even get there, she felt sick and hurried to the stall. She sat on the beige tile floor next to the toilet for 30 minutes before gathering enough strength to get up and wake Clarissa. When she got to her door, she saw a note written on the whiteboard on the wall outside her room; "Gone to the Sheraton hotel to have breakfast with Justin. Call me at 2055556276 if you need me. All my love, Clarissa."

"I guess finding out what happened is going to have to wait," Allyson said to herself as she made her way back to her room. Allyson knew she had a hangover, but she had no idea what to do about it. As she sat on the edge of her bed, she looked up to see a note on her laptop computer.

Ally, last night was a lot of fun. Unfortunately you definitely cannot handle your liquor. You will probably have a hangover, so drink plenty of water, take an aspirin, and although it may sound impossible, eat something, particularly something loaded in carbohydrates. Try not to do too much today. Get some rest, put in some movies and eat junk food all day. I will call you later to check on you. Justin and I are spending the day together, but if you need me, feel free to call. I left the number to the hotel on my whiteboard. Have a good day sweetie. I love you. –Clarissa. P.S. don't worry, you didn't do anything stupid last night.

Allyson was especially relieved by the last statement. Water, aspirin, and carbohydrates, none of which she had in her room, so Allyson would have to take a little trip to the student center. As she dressed, she tried to piece together the events of the prior evening. The last thing she remembered was talking to Clarissa while she sat in a stranger's lap sipping on some fruity drink. As she grabbed her room key and college ID card, she remembered going to the lady's room and seeing Brad in the hallway outside of the restrooms. "Oh I hope I didn't kiss him," she thought as she closed her room door behind her and made her way to the cafeteria and bookstore.

She would have loved the idea of staying in bed all day, but she volunteered to tutor a 5th grader in reading so she had to pull herself together by 1pm. The florescent lighting of the cafeteria did not soothe Allyson's headache, and she squinted as she entered the bare cafeteria; it was Saturday morning and not many students were even awake yet. Allyson walked across the cafeteria and headed down the walkway to the bookstore to buy her aspirin. After her purchase, she grabbed a basket and filled it with chips, cereal, water, and bread. She looked like she was storing food for the winter. As she was grabbing as many boxes of Frosted Flakes as she could, someone came up behind her.

"Allyson, hi."

Allyson turned around to see Brad holding the biggest ICEE she had ever seen and a bag of Doritos.

"Hi Brad."

Allyson wanted this conversation to be quick and easy. Her first instinct was to drop her basket and run back to her room, but she stood there, basket gripped tightly in her hand.

"Some night last night huh?"

"Yeah...from what I can remember of it."

Brad laughed. "Yeah, you did have a lot of drinks, but you looked like you were having a blast."

Allyson wanted to change the subject. Any mention of the previous night made her sick.

"That's an interesting breakfast you got there," Allyson said as she tried to make her way to the register.

"Oh...well...I'm not really a breakfast person. I'm not even usually up this early on a Saturday but I have a project due Monday that I haven't even started."

"I didn't know Blue Raspberry ICEES and Doritos were fuel for the mind?"

Allyson had finally made her way to the register, Brad still behind her.

"So...Allyson, about last night. I know it was probably just the alcohol but I really enjoyed it."

Allyson looked at Brad in utter confusion. Clarissa said she didn't do anything stupid, but who knew what Clarissa actually considered stupid.

"What are you talking about?"

"The kiss...in the hall....by the restrooms? You don't remember?"

Allyson almost knocked over the turkey stuffed animal sitting on the counter of the checkout lane.

"No. I don't remember kissing you. I remember seeing you in the hall though. I kissed you? Really? Are you sure it was me?"

By this time the cashier had rung up all of her items. "It's 14.62 ma'am." Allyson did not hear her, completely distracted by the fact that she had practically made-out with Brad. "Honey, it's 14.62," the cashier repeater.

"Allyson," Brad said as he waved his hand in front of her face.

"What? I'm sorry. How much is it?"

The cashier gave her the total again and Allyson handed her the money. Allyson walked over to the table where the paper bags were sitting and began to put her groceries in one as fast as she could.

"Allyson, I was hoping that kiss meant we could start over."

"I don't think so Brad. Obviously I was not in a clear state of mind when I kissed you and I don't want to ever do it again."

Brad reached over to put his hand on her arm but she jerked it away.

"I have to go Brad. Please, just leave me alone," she said as she walked out of the side cafeteria door.

When she got outside, she took a deep breath and walked back to her room. She couldn't believe she had let him touch her yet alone kiss her.

When she opened the door, her other two roommates were sitting in the common area talking and watching television. One girl, Theresa, sat on the sofa curled up under a blue and burgundy blanket and the other, Chastity, was sitting in one of the armchairs with a book in her hand.

"Hey Ally! How are you girl?"

"I'm okay Theresa; just had a rough night."

"We can see that," said Chastity.

"I'm just going to go back to my room and lay down. I'll tell you guys about it later," and she walked in her room and closed and locked the door. Allyson could hear the theme song from Land of the Lost coming from the common room, and for a moment wondered how grown women could find that show entertaining.

As she was about to take the aspirin, she was suddenly once again aware of her pregnancy, and questioned the safety of taking aspirin. Even though she didn't know what she was going to do yet, she still wanted to err on the side of caution. As she was reading the warning label, she was suddenly overwhelmed. Here she was, making sure the aspirin wouldn't hurt the baby, and she drank like a sailor last night. Added onto her feelings of anger, disappointment, and regret was now guilt. "How messed up can one person be?" she thought to herself as she took the two aspirin and laid back down. She set her alarm for 1pm so she could shower, get dressed, and get to the library by 2:30.

When Allyson woke up, her headache was gone. She was still nauseous because she actually didn't eat any of the food she purchased, but she felt so much better than she did that morning. When Allyson rolled over to look at the clock, it was 3:30. "Oh my gosh," she said, freaking out as she rushed to find the phone number of the little girl she was supposed to tutor. In the two months she had been tutoring Ella, she had never missed a session. It seemed that this pregnancy was causing her to act completely outside of her personality. She finally found the number in her planner and immediately called.

"Mrs. Richard, this is Allyson. I am so sorry that I missed the tutoring session."

"What do you mean Allyson?" Mrs. Richard asked.

"I was supposed to tutor Ella today at 2:30 at the Birmingham Library like always right?"

"Well yes but this morning I got a call from your roommate Clarissa. She said that you were very ill and had been throwing up all night. She asked if it would be okay to cancel today's session. I said that was perfectly fine and that I hoped you felt better."

"Oh...well thank you. I'm glad she called."

"Are you feeling any better today sweetheart?"

"A little but still not 100%."

"Well Allyson get you some rest and I hope you feel better. We will see you next Saturday at the same time."

"Thank you Mrs. Richard."

"You are very welcome Allyson. Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

Allyson sat on the edge of her bed, her eyes watering. All of the restrained emotions were coming to the surface and this time she couldn't hold them down. She felt loved and blessed to have a friend like Clarissa. She felt disappointed in herself for getting pregnant, drinking, and then kissing a man she hated. She felt regret for even stepping into that bar last night, but felt a little relief because for a few hours, she was able to forget. She felt anxiety about what to do next. She didn't know if or when she should tell her parents. She didn't know if she could still participate in religious vocation. She didn't know what she was going to do about her unborn child. Everything the Jose Cuervo made her forget was coming back and she couldn't stop it. She had to feel everything, and the aching in her heart was unfathomable. So she prayed. "Dear God, just make it go away."

Allyson cried for 30 minutes, her mind consumed and her heart heavy. The crying was only interrupted by a call from Clarissa. When Clarissa asked how she was doing, she lied and said she was doing fine. Clarissa knew she had been crying from the sniffles and shaky voice and offered to come over and sit with her for a while. Allyson declined her invitation, telling her that she was going to Mass.

Allyson wanted to be alone. There didn't need to be any outside influence or input; this decision had to be completely hers to make.

After getting off the phone with Clarissa, Allyson looked at the clock. It was 4:00pm. Allyson went to the counter to brush her hair and make sure she looked presentable enough for church. She didn't have any makeup on but she didn't care. She looked over the shirt she was wearing to make sure there weren't any stains, and took a little sniff to make sure she didn't smell like a bar. She sprayed a little of her Ralph Lauren perfume her mom gave her for Christmas just in case. She looked over herself one more time, fixing the collar on her button up pink shirt. She placed her hand on her belly as she stared in the mirror. She looked down, feeling the urge to cry again. Instead she buttoned up her light wash jeans and walked back to her room. Fifteen minutes had passed, and even though it would take less than ten minutes to get to the Cathedral, Allyson hurried to her car.

It was difficult for Allyson to focus. She got distracted by the big bright yellow truck that decided to not let her over as she merged onto the interstate. She almost hit the side concrete barrier when she noticed the big sign on the side of the Birmingham Museum of Art announcing their new exhibit. There wasn't any traffic downtown on Saturdays, but she was always careful when she passed the Sheriff's department. She always looked to see how many people were at the Birmingham Public Library, and unlike usual, the parking lot was actually pretty full. "Very interesting," she thought to herself, wondering what could have caused such a sudden literary interest.

She was not very lucky today, missing every green light and wishing she had left a little earlier. As she pulled up next to the light in front of the Birmingham News, she noticed two people sitting on the front stairs of the building. Maybe they were working on a special story and needed to come in on Saturday. Or maybe they wanted a place to sit while waiting for the bus. Or maybe they were just taking a break on their way somewhere else. She needed to think about their lives instead of her own, just for a moment, and imagined how much better their lives could be than hers.

At the next light, she pulled over and parked in front of the church. There weren't many cars yet, but she was early. Even the security guard wasn't there yet. She walked through the single door to the right, a large family headed towards the large main center double doors. She looked up at the bell-tower on the steeple, before taking a large deep breath, and made her way in and through the second set of glass swinging doors. The church was very cold, but she had forgotten her sweater in the car. She dipped her finger in the large marble Holy Water fountain in the front of the church and grabbed one of the programs from the side table. She looked over to the confessional, and seeing that it was open, went in and closed the door.

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession."

"What is your confession today my dear."

"Where do I begin Father?"

Allyson hesitated. She didn't know if she could do this, not yet. She didn't know if she had the strength to say it out loud. If she said it, it would be true.

"It's okay my child. Whatever it is, I am not here to judge you. I am here to listen, to help, and to forgive. You can trust me with whatever is in your heart."

Allyson didn't know if she was brave enough to admit to the priest she had known all of her life what was happening in her life. She took a deep breath.

"Father, I had sex with a man who was not my husband...and now I am pregnant."

Allyson had no idea how it was possible for her to even produce anymore tears, but there they were forming in her eyes again.

"I don't know what to do Father. I'm scared and ashamed. What am I supposed to tell my parents? They will be so disappointed. I am disappointed."

"It's okay my child, it is okay. God will help you through this. I know you feel abandoned and alone, but you are strong, and with your faith in Him, you will brave this trial. Pray to Him and ask Him to guide you. Listen to your heart."

Allyson expected this type of answer. Priests' aren't really allowed to give you real answers. It's like they come up with generic responses for any dilemma; it's just part of their job. The only response Allyson could muster was thank you.

"Is there anything else dear?"

Allyson sat thinking for a moment. The previous week was replaying in her head and she tried to remember her other sins and mistakes, but this one seemed to trump all of the others. After a minute of serious thought, she confessed to intoxication and laziness. She knew there was more, but she was unable to admit to anything else.

"In the name of the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit I absolve you of all of your sin. As your penance, you shall say ten Hail Mary's and an Our Father."

Allyson made the sign of the cross and was getting ready to walk out, when Father spoke to her.

"My dear, please come see me after Mass today. I would like to help you. I know this is difficult, but I'd like you to trust me. Meet me in my office after Mass and we will talk. You do not have to come if you are not comfortable. I will wait until 6:45. If you decide that meeting me in person is beyond what you are capable of doing, I will leave a name and number with my secretary and you can call Monday anytime; she will give you the information you need. Just tell her you missed your appointment with me Sunday and she will know. I do hope that you will come."

Although she knew of Priests' capacity for compassion, she was stunned by Father's genuine concern for her well-being and what would happen once she left the confessional. To him, she was a stranger in crisis, and didn't hesitate for a moment to help. He was not judging her and his voice was one of sincere concern, not of condescension. She could hear his love and feel his grace. In this moment he was acting like a Father to a child.

Father Callahan always had a special place in her heart; he was the man who baptized her, gave her First Communion, and confirmed her. She sat beside him on the altar from 3rd until 12th grade as an altar server, and he was her inspiration to become a nun. He seemed satisfied and fulfilled dedicating his life to God, and Allyson started thinking that perhaps the best way to fulfill her life was to follow his example.

Without saying a word, Allyson walked out of the confessional, and sat on one of the dark hardwood pews on the right side. She knelt down on the leather kneeler and began her prayers. The evening sun was shining through the fifteen foot stain glass windows along the side of the church, causing red, orange, and pink rays to shine throughout the church. After her prayers, she sat on the pew staring at the large crucifix hanging above the marble altar that was covered in white linen and had two large candles on each end.

As she stared at the nails in Christ's hands and feet, she began to think about her own cross she was carrying. This pregnancy for her was like his stigmata, and she placed her hand on her belly. However, her burden seemed far less painful than His, and if He could endure the pain of crucifixion, she could endure this. The lights came on in the dimly lit church and Mass began.

# Chapter 3

Sister Gerard and Sister Robert have spent the last week preparing for the novices beginning their preparations and study this week. The first impression is the only real impression they have, so from the beginning they have to assure these young women of their choice to join the Sisters of St. Maria Goretti. It is 7am and they are discussing the agenda for the day in Sister Gerard's office.

"So Grace, the girls will arrive around 9am. Lisa is preparing breakfast, and you will get them into the conference room and begin with the history of the order."

"Correct, and are you going to join me for the introductory class?"

"I don't know. I have a presentation at Holy Trinity later this week and I have to give a report to the Bishop on Friday about the progress of Cherish."

"And how are you not pulling your hair out?" Sister Robert asks.

Sister Gerard laughs. "Only with the grace of God."

Sister Robert gives her a consenting smile.

"Allyson consider at least introducing yourself to the young ladies. You will get to meet Susanna, the young lady you are mentoring."

Sister Gerard looks at Sister Robert in surprise.

"Allyson, you didn't forget you are a mentor did you?"

"No...I just don't remember saying yes when you asked me."

Both ladies laughed as Sister Gerard searches for the orientation handbook hidden somewhere in her desk. Because of her increasing responsibilities, she had not agreed to be a mentor in two years. After a couple of minutes searching, she found it buried beneath a stack of old resident files.

"Ah, here it is. Now how long do I have to get myself reacquainted with my duties?"

"Well Ally the mentor breakfast is Wednesday at 10am."

"Two days huh?"

"Yep. When is your presentation to the high school?"

"That is Thursday afternoon at 2pm. You should let the girls come with me so they can see some of their potential responsibilities, and meet Sister Luke who can tell them about their option to teach."

"You totally read my mind."

Sister Patrick walks up to the office door and knocks.

"Since we have such an early day, I made us a little breakfast," she says opening the door slightly and putting her head in.

"Awww Lisa that wasn't necessary. We could have just had whatever you prepared the girls," Sister Robert says.

"Well we have a full house at Cherish so I don't have enough for the usual pancake breakfast. I plan on making it tomorrow. So I went and bought some bagels, a fruit tray, orange juice, cream cheese, cereal, milk, and croissants."

"Lisa that sounds great," says Sister Gerard. "What did you make for us?"

"Just a little French toast, bacon, and eggs. There is also coffee and orange juice. I just brought it over from the house."

Both Sisters look at each other like they just remembered they are hungry. Without a word, both ladies get up and walk toward the office kitchen. It is a small space that mimics a typical office kitchen with a refrigerator, microwave, and sink. They tried to make it more homely by adding personal touches, like the clock in the shape of a spatula that Sister Christopher brought, or the pink and lilac checkered rug Sister Matthew brought from home, and painting the walls a pale yellow, but it still reeks of corporate America. Even when they found money in the budget to do some small renovations, they still believed there were more important projects that the money could be applied to.

They can smell the food ten feet from the kitchen. Sister Patrick has already fixed their plates, so they sit down at the square table in the corner and begin eating. The kitchen is quiet, except for the occasional sound of crunching bacon.

"Have you heard from Madison, Allyson?" Sister Robert asks breaking the silence.

"Yes I have. She wants to meet with me this weekend and talk to me about our order."

"That's awesome," says Sister Patrick.

"I have a really good feeling about her. She reminds me of myself when I was her age. I was almost certain I wanted to take a religious vocation when I was in high school."

Sister Robert looks at her watch and puts her paper plate in the trash.

"Well ladies this breakfast was awesome but I have to go make some last minute preparations before the girls arrive. Will you stop in for just a little while Allyson? You don't have to stay long."

Sister Gerard looks at Sister Robert taking her last sip of coffee and getting out of her seat.

"Of course. Come on...I'll even help you," Sister Gerard says as she clears the table and says bye to Sister Patrick who takes a break with her coffee and a book before going back to Cherish.

They make their way to the copy room to copy an icebreaker game that Sister Robert found on the internet. They continue their conversation despite the loud humming of their out-dated machine.

"This game may not work for such a small group Grace. Maybe you should try something simple, like just giving them a questionnaire to fill out without their name on it. Then mix them up and hand them to out and have the girl guess whose paper it is."

"That's a good one Allyson," Sister Robert says looking intently at the game she had chosen, deciding whether to take her advice. "I guess I could quickly go create a questionnaire."

Sister Gerard smiles as she looks at her. "You have plenty of time. Actually a lot of questions in your original idea will work. Like their favorite color, favorite book, where they were born, if they have ever traveled outside of the country, if they have any siblings...those are all good. Add an observational question like if they have their ears pierced."

"Allyson, maybe you should be doing this," her energy shifting from that of confidence to doubt.

Sister Gerard shakes her head. "You are perfect for this Grace," she says, sensing her growing uncertainty and anxiety.

Sister Robert goes back to her office to type the new icebreaker exercise while Sister Gerard takes the orientation books to her office to look at them and make sure they don't need any changes. She takes the books and the Maria Goretti necklaces, and walks to the upstairs conference room. Unlike the one on the main floor, this one is a little more cozy, with a large table in the middle, and periwinkle walls. It blends well with the mural of Birmingham at night, done by one of the girls who stayed at Cherish for a few months as a gift of thanks and appreciation.

Sister Gerard places a necklace and booklet in front of five of the chairs. She walks back downstairs to get a few bottled waters out of the refrigerator and grab some pens and notebooks. She walks to Sister Robert's office to check on her progress.

"Grace, I got a few things to take upstairs. Are you done?"

"Yes ma'am; just finished. Thanks for the suggestion."

Both ladies walk upstairs and finish preparing the room.

"Do you think I should close the blinds a little? The sun is bright this morning," Sister Robert asks.

"Just wait until they get here. They may not mind. Besides, sunlight is definitely better than this blinding overhead lighting. We could leave the lights off."

Sister Gerard notices Sister Robert's hands shaking.

"Grace, everything will be great. Trust me."

After they finish setting up everything in the conference room, they return downstairs to wait for the girls. Sister Robert decides to go outside and wait for each of them to be dropped off, while Sister Gerard remains in the waiting area. One by one each girl arrives, appearing apprehensive and nervous. Sister Gerard is able to ease some of their anxiety by engaging in normal conversation After all five girls are seated, Sister Robert asks the girls to follow her upstairs. Sister Gerard gets up to follow them, but notices a young girl standing by front the door. She walks up to Sister Robert.

"Sister, can I see you for a moment?"

They walk off to the side, the novices continuing to make their way up the stairs, stopping to look at Sister Gerard and Sister Robert once they reach the top.

"I'm sorry Grace but a young lady just walked in. I guess she slipped in with the rest. I'll be up there as soon as I can. Go ahead and introduce yourself and tell them about your journey and do the icebreaker. Hopefully by that time I'll be up there."

"Of course hun, go ahead."

Sister Robert and the students proceed into the conference room as Sister Gerard walks over to the young lady standing by the door.

"Hi sweetheart, I'm Sister Mary Gerard."

"I'm Marie."

"What can I do for you Marie?" she asks as she guides her to her office. "I'm sorry my office is a mess. We usually don't open the doors to walk-ins until 10am.

"Oh, I'm sorry Sister. I didn't know."

"Honey, it is perfectly fine. I'm glad you are here."

Marie sits in one of the chairs in front of her desk.

"Why don't we sit over here where it is more comfortable," Sister Gerard says as she sits on one end of the sofa.

"Can I get you anything? We are having a class so we have breakfast. I'd be happy to get some bagels and orange juice, or perhaps just a bottled water."

"No thank you Sister. I am fine."

Sister Gerard can see the panic on Marie's face. For the most part the girls who walk in during the day without making an appointment just need someone to talk to."

"So Marie, I see you are wearing a uniform. What grade are you in at Holy Trinity?"

Sister Gerard recognizes the blue plaid skirt and white button up shirt with the school crest in black on the left pocket.

"I'm in 11th grade ma'am."

"And why aren't you in school today?"

"I'm not feeling well so the nurse allowed me to go home."

"But you didn't go home. What brought you here?"

"The nurse said that you all could help me; that your order is good at helping girls in my situation."

"And what situation is that my dear?"

Sister Gerard knows what she is going to say. She has seen that same look on many faces, but she wants her to say it out loud as a means of acknowledging her predicament. Denial prevents progress, especially under these circumstances where it can lead to dangerous behavior.

"I'm pregnant," Marie says, tears running down her face. Although Sister Gerard has never been a mother, those instincts kick in and she moves over towards Marie, and Marie places her head on Sister's shoulder.

"Marie, you cry as much as you need to."

She does not say anything else, but simply holds Marie while she cries. She reaches to the coffee table to grab some tissues, and gives her a few. She dabs under her eyes, cleaning off the mascara that has begun to run down her face.

"I'm sorry Sister. I got mascara all over your shirt," she says sniffing and coughing as she raises her head.

Sister Gerard looks at her shirt. "That's not important. Can you talk about it honey or do you need a few more minutes. If you need a moment alone I'll be happy to oblige. Or you can even go to the Chapel; whatever you need."

Marie didn't believe the school nurse when she told her they would help her without judgment. Nurse Wilkins said these Sisters would be compassionate and understanding, but Marie was hesitant. They are Catholic after all, and based on her own understanding of the Catholic Church, she believed they would look down on her and chastise her for her mistake. Instead, Marie feels love and comfort from Sister Gerard, and consequently, after a few minutes and multiple deep breaths, is able to begin telling Sister her story.

"I think I'm okay Sister."

Sister gets off the sofa and walks over to her desk, opening one of her drawers to find her chocolate stash. She grabs a Snickers bar and gives it to Marie.

"Chocolate makes everything better," she says as she hands it to Marie. She smiles as she opens the candy. "Take your time and just tell me what you can."

"I found out two weeks ago. I missed my period and after a week, I took a pregnancy test, ten actually, and they were all positive. I was ashamed to call my gynecologist. I mean I'm only 16, so I went to Planned Parenthood to find out for sure if I was pregnant. And they did a blood test and an ultrasound, and told me I was 3 weeks along."

Sister Gerard takes her hand, observing the intense difficulty she is having continuing her story.

"What about the father of the baby? Is he your boyfriend?"

"Yes ma'am. I haven't told him yet. I don't want him to know until I figure out what I'm going to do."

"Well Marie I think you should tell him. He can help you decide what to do. Also, knowing his stance can help you decide what is best for the baby."

"Sister I'm scared. I've seen so many girls get dumped by their boyfriends when they get pregnant. He is a good guy and I don't want to lose him."

"Marie, if he is as good as you say he is, he will stand by you and support you through this. If he decides not to take his responsibility, you will not be alone. You have your family and you have me."

Marie looks at Sister Gerard while taking the last bite of her chocolate bar.

"Oh my gosh Sister, my family. They are going to be so disappointed in me. I'm the perfect daughter with the good grades, who volunteers every weekend and is looking at Ivy League schools. Their perfect daughter doesn't get pregnant by her boyfriend at age 16. Their perfect daughter isn't even having sex at 16."

Marie gets up and begins to pace around the room.

"Honey, it is going to be okay. I know you don't believe me, but your parents will probably be your greatest support. They will be surprised and disappointed, but they love you and one choice will not change how they see you. If you would like, you can bring them here and we can both tell them together when you are ready."

After calming for a moment, Marie sits back down next to Sister. "Now, tell me, was it your first time having sex?"

Marie looks at Sister like she is ashamed to answer.

"No ma'am."

"How long have you been having sex with your boyfriend?"

"Since Valentine's Day this year. We decided we were ready to have sex."

"Please don't be insulted by this question but is he the only person you have slept with?"

"Yes ma'am of course. I'm in love with him. He's the only person I want to be with."

"Now, you said you missed your period and decided to get a pregnancy test. Did you think you might be pregnant before you even took the test?'

"Well..." Marie looked down at her hands to see her thumbs twitching.

"What is it dear?"

"The condom broke."

"Ah, and you aren't on birth control?"

"No ma'am."

Although Sister Gerard does feel a strong and deep connection to the Catholic Church, she believes their stance on contraception is outdated. She believes that girls should be given all of their options to prevent situations like this and possibly reduce the amount of abortions.

"Did you know about the Plan B pill?"

"What's that?" Marie asks.

"Catholicism needs a reality check," Sister thinks to herself. Many of her peers call her the "Liberal Catholic" because of her belief in teaching abstinence and safe sex. She doesn't live in the fantasy land where teenagers don't have sex, and she sees so much every day in her work that she believes the best fight against unwanted pregnancy and STD's is information; even telling girls about the Plan B pill so if they are being responsible and something happens, they have an option. She believes in giving them all of the information they need so perhaps this choice won't have to be made.

"It's a pill you can take within 72 hours of sex that will prevent conception."

"There's a pill out there that could have prevented this?!" Marie becomes angry. "Why didn't I know about this?"

"Well honey, you go to a parochial school, which means sex education is limited to abstinence only curriculums. There have been a few commercials on television for it."

"I don't watch a lot of television. If I had only known, I wouldn't be sitting here right now. Damnit!" Marie puts her hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry Sister."

"It's okay. In this situation I think you are allowed one profanity," Sister says as she smiles at Marie and goes to get some papers out of the file cabinet behind her desk.

"I have a few things you can take home with you," Sister says as she sits back down and places a small stack of papers on the coffee table. First Sister hands her a card with her contact information on it. "You can call me anytime or you can email me. Consider me your friend, counselor, and advocate. I will be here for you as much or as little as you want."

Marie takes her card and puts it in her purse.

"Now, here is a list of all of the services we can provide you. All of these services are free and you can take advantage of as many as you like. We have professional counselors and therapists available, but you have to make an appointment. We also have group therapy, and I have to say, a lot of our girls really like that because they can share stories and give each other advice during their pregnancies. We have a gynecologist on staff that you can come see if you don't want to see your own doctor and we can help you financially with the vitamins and care that you will need. One of our sisters, Sister Mary Patrick, is a great cook and she will be glad to help you with cooking nutritious meals and picking the right foods for the baby."

"What if I don't want to keep the baby?" asks Marie. Sister Gerard knew what she was asking but pretended to be ignorant. "Well we work with local adoption agencies."

"No Sister...I mean...what if I don't want to carry the baby?"

"Marie, I cannot condone or encourage you to have an abortion. However, if that is what you decide, I will be happy to talk to you and help you through it. No matter your choice, I will not abandon you."

Marie smiles.

"Now," Sister continues handing Marie a small booklet, "this is a list of classes we offer. We offer swimming classes and we ride down to the YWCA for those. We offer natural childbirth classes and we over parenting classes. We also offer cooking classes, knitting, sewing, self-defense...I mean we offer a lot of things. All of them are free of course."

Sister Gerard notices the fear slowly draining from Marie's face; reater than the fear of the reaction of her parents, boyfriend, and was the fear of having to go through this alone.

Sister hands her one more piece of paper. "These are some important phone numbers. This is a list of all of the Sisters in our order. One of our Sisters actually works at your school, Sister Mary Luke. If you need help with anything, she can help you.

"Oh my gosh, I love Sister Luke. She is hilarious," and for the first time in the last hour, Marie's face lights up.

"Now, when you decide to tell your parents and boyfriend, let me know. I will be happy to come with you and meet them somewhere or you can bring them here. And don't forget to call me or you can come by anytime. I am usually here until 6pm Monday thru Friday. If you want to meet on the weekend, just call my cell so I can make sure I am here when you need me. Doctor Carolyn's number is also on there; she is the gynecologist. I would suggest making an appointment with her as soon as possible."

"Thank you Sister."

Sister rushes over to her desk and pulls out a necklace and small card,

"Here, take this," she says as she hands Marie the necklace.

"What is this?"

"The necklace is of Sister Maria Goretti, who our order is named after. She is the Patron Saint of youth and girls. The card is a prayer to St. Gerard Majella, who is the Patron Saint of expectant mothers."

"Is St. Majella your namesake Sister?" Marie asks.

"Yes it is."

"I think that's the perfect name for you," Marie says as she gets up.

Sister Gerard gives Marie a hug. "Thank you darling."

"I'm serious Sister. You know, it's like you know exactly what we are going through."

Sister Gerard does not respond, but instead grabs another chocolate bar from her drawer, this one a Milky Way, hands it to Marie, and walks with her to the front door. "Marie you call me anytime," Sister says as she walks outside with her.

"I will Sister," she says as she walks toward her Honda Accord and gets in. Sister Gerard waves to her as she drives away. "Great girl," she says to herself as she walks back inside.

She goes back to her office, and sits for a moment. Her mind floods with the memories of her own encounter with the same situation, and she always has to take a moment to reflect and relax before she can move on to the rest of her day. Even 16 years later, she is still sometimes overwhelmed by her past; she can see a little part of herself in every girl experiencing unwanted teenage pregnancy.

After a few moments of prayer, asking God for strength, Sister Gerard walks upstairs to the conference room to check the progress of the class. She can hear the laughter before she gets to the top of the stairs and is delighted. She looks through the window of the door to see 6 smiling faces, and is compelled to join them. She knocks on the door and opens it slightly.

"Girls, girls...I'd like you to meet our fellow Sister and one of my dearest friends Sister Mary Gerard."

The infectious laughter in the room quiets and the girls turn their attention to the door.

"Hi ladies."

A collective "Hi Sister," fills the room as she takes a seat next to Sister Robert.

"Okay, so ladies," Sister Robert begins, "I'd like to take a little time to tell you about Cherish and about the opportunities you will have working there. Actually, Sister Gerard, helped create Cherish. I think it would be wonderful for you to tell the girls all about it."

Sister Gerard tugs at her cardigan, not wanting to speak; she wanted to relax and possibly answer questions. Sister Robert leans over toward her.

"Allyson, please," she whispers, "Cherish was your idea, your creation, and your project."

"Okay...but you are coming with me Thursday Grace."

"Deal," Sister Robert says as Sister Gerard stands up at the head of the table.

Sister Gerard looks around the room. "I know that you've already done an icebreaker but I'd like for you to just introduce yourselves. Just tell me your name, age, and a little about yourself."

First there is Tonya, a 34 year old former lawyer, who in the process of doing pro-bono work for a non-profit organization, realized how much she enjoyed service to others. She has never been married and has no children, and decided that this order was the best fit. She felt she could use her legal skills for the organization. There is 18 year old Christy, the youngest, who graduated from Landview High School the previous May. She has grown up in a Catholic household, and from a young age, realized she wanted to be a nun. There are two college graduates, Celia and Meredith, who met each other 6 months ago at a religious retreat. Celia has a Bachelors degree in Social Work while Meredith has a Bachelors degree in Theology. Lastly, there is Susanna, a 27 year old former nurse at St. Vincent's Hospital. Working in the hospital influenced her decision to become a nun, and just two years ago she converted from Methodist to Catholic, and began serious study to pursue what she felt was her destiny.

All of their pasts are colliding in this one room with the same goal, and Sister Gerard is humbled by their choice to allow the Sisters of Saint Maria Goretti to be the vessel for their life of service.

"Ladies, my name is Sister Mary Gerard. I am 37 years old and 10 years ago I began thinking about how we could expand our service to the community. I wanted a place where young women could come and get help and provide a place for them to stay if they were in trouble. I wanted to be the best advocate for young women that I could. So I did tons of research on how to start a non-profit organization, I spoke to the Bishop of the Birmingham Diocese, and spent months persuading all of the Sisters here that this house...this organization would be a worthwhile endeavor. It was not easy, and took five years to transform from just an idea to something real."

Meredith raises her hand.

"Yes Meredith?"

"What made you think of this idea?"

Sister Gerard debates whether to take this moment to finally reveal her truth, or at least the pertinent information. But as soon as the thought surfaces, it retreats, and she begins reciting her usual response.

"I had been here for almost 7 years, and saw that even though we were a help to these women, they needed more. There were things they were going without that they truly needed, and I felt we had an obligation to do what we could for them. Pregnant girls weren't getting prenatal care, addicts couldn't afford rehab, and women in abusive relationships had no means of escape. Although the service we provided was great, it wasn't enough."

Sister Gerard sits down..

"Cherish is the House of St. Agnes who is the patron saint of young girls. It was a long journey, but I'll give you the short version. After getting the permission of the Bishop, getting the approval of all of my fellow Sisters, and getting the funding, the most difficult part, I searched for a space. At the time the only thing we could afford was the building next door which we converted from an office building to a residence that looks like a college dorm. It isn't much, but we felt we could do so much with it."

"How many girls currently reside here?" Tonya asks.

"We have about 30 girls there."

"And how long do they usually stay?" Tonya continues.

"Cherish is not meant to be a permanent solution but rather a temporary option. We help them find permanent homes and jobs."

"Do we have to work there?" Christy asks.

"Well no you do not. Except for one, Sister Luke, all of our sisters do work in or for the house. Sister Luke is actually a teacher at Holy Trinity High School. She gets the young people involved in our other programs which I'm sure Sister Robert will talk to you about later."

"So what are the different things we can do in Cherish?" Susanna asks.

"Your skills as a nurse will be very valuable to us. We only have one full time nurse on staff and we would definitely like more to look after the health of the girls. You do however have the option to work in a hospital also if you'd like. Celia you said you have a Bachelors in Social Work? You would be awesome as a counselor. I got my Masters in Social Work also and it has been invaluable in counseling the women that come through our doors. We have Sister Mary Patrick who studied to be a chef and is now one of the chefs for the house. You can choose to do administrative work, fundraising work, teach some of our classes we provide them, or you can even be one of the House Mothers."

"What does a house mother do?" asks Christy.

"Well as a house mother, Cherish would be your home. You would watch over the girls and make sure their needs were taken care of. You would be a mother to each of them, be there for them, talk to them, and nurture them. Some of them never had a strong maternal presence so you are very important to their overall comfort while staying in Cherish."

Sister Gerard sits in her chair, waiting for more hands to rise or more questions. Sister continues.

"Cherish has been open for five years and is continuing to expand. If you have any suggestions or if you would like to start a program or think we should provide a service, feel free to tell us. We are always open to ideas."

"Does anyone have any concerns about working in the facility?" Sister asks.

Christy makes eye contact with Sister Gerard. "I mean, is it ever dangerous? I don't want to sound insensitive, but a house full of addicts, pregnant girls, abused women....their lives are bound to influence their personalities and possibly make them tough and aggressive. I'm sure most of them didn't grow up in suburban areas in nice houses without violence around them."

"You would be surprised how many of the residents grew up in rich homes with successful parents, and just made mistakes and ended up on the street or with an addiction problem. There are incidents, but they are few and far between. There is bound to be some conflict when you put a whole bunch of women together in the same house with only 5 bathrooms."

The room erupts in laughter.

"I understand your safety concerns but we do have security here 24 hours a day every day of the week and we tell the girls that they have to behave by certain rules if they would like to stay."

"Like what?" Celia asks. "What are the rules?"

"Well they have a curfew. They have to be in by 10pm everyday unless they are with a Sister. Any visitors have to be approved by us and the visitors are not allowed upstairs; they have to stay in the common area. "

"Even if one of the residents has a boyfriend?" asks Meredith.

"Yes ma'am."

"Is there a maximum amount of time they can stay?" asks Tonya.

"No, we do not give them a maximum length of stay, but we do try to help them so they can possibly be able to move out on their own within 6-9 months. Sometimes that doesn't happen and that is okay. We aren't going to abandon anyone who asks for our help."

"Does Cherish house families?"

"No it does not. But we work closely with a facility that is specifically for families in trouble. If they come to us, we will direct them to Gracie's House. We will even drive them there and help them get situated."

"That's awesome," Celia blurts out.

Sister Gerard giggles, "yes it is."

"Sister Gerard?"

"Yes Tonya."

"Do we ever have to contact the police? I mean, I'm sure you have had girls being beaten or molested or raped. Do we have an obligation to tell the police?"

"Tonya, that is a very good question and since its establishment, we have debated over that very issue. Right now, we operate by the same codes as Priests' do. The women who come in here expect confidence and discretion. We tell them that if they would like, we will contact the authorities. But if they ask us not to say anything, we do not say anything."

Tonya looks puzzled and disappointed. "But don't we have a moral obligation to tell the police?"

"From one perspective we do but on the other hand, these women are looking for someone to trust. If we break that trust, they may not accept our help and may end up back on the street, or back in that destructive relationship, and may not get help at all. For us, their well being is more important. For a lot of these women, they feel out of control of their own lives. We want to give them some of that back by allowing them to dictate what happens. We encourage them to report the incident, but some of them don't trust the justice system. Their win in their lives is more important than a win in a courtroom. And success in their lives will have a greater impact."

"So ladies, are there anymore questions?"

No one raises their hand. They are either overwhelmed or they have all of their questions answered. Either way, Sister Gerard takes this as her opportunity to slip out, go to the Chapel, and take a moment for herself.

"Well ladies if there aren't any further questions..."

"I have a question," says Christy just as Sister Gerard is getting out of her seat.

"Yes Christy?"

"Sister Robert says we will live on our own in an apartment and do normal stuff that adults do, like pay bills and stuff. If we are always working here, how are we going to make money to support ourselves?"

"We pay you. We are considered a non- profit organization so through grants and fundraising, we are able to provide you a salary. It isn't much, but it is enough to take care of your living expenses. We take the vow of simplicity so most of the money coming into the organization is used to fund our services. We are lucky enough to have a lot of professionals who are willing to volunteer their time so a lot of our funds are able to go right back into the organization."

"Anything else?" she asks before pausing. "Remember, if you think of anything, feel free to come to me anytime and ask."

"Thank you Sister Gerard," says Sister Robert.

"You are all very welcome," she says as she walks out of the door. She continues downstairs, going back to the chapel and sitting in the first row in front of the rose covered altar and the crucifix in between two stained glass windows. Sister uses the chapel mostly for meditation. She is only halfway through her day, yet her level of exhaustion is the same as if she had just finished a 12 hour work day. After meditating and praying for God's guidance, she walks back to her office.

It is time for lunch, and today she brought her lunch and is having it in her office. As soon as she steps into her office, she takes off her shoes and closes the door. Before sitting in her chair, she grabs her lunch out of her mini-fridge, and turns on NPR. "Ahhh...nothing like a little Fresh Air with Terry Gross ," she says to herself as she takes out her turkey sandwich, pretzels, bottled water, and apple. As she is about to take a bite of her sandwich, there is a knock on the door.

"Can I join you?" Sister Robert asks opening the door and carrying a little plastic bag.

"Sure, come on in."

She sits in front of her desk, spreading out her own lunch.

"Grace, what happened to the cute blue lunch box with the pink circles?"

"Well, let's just say I accidentally forgot about a leftover lunch in there for a few days and the lunch box was no longer usable."

Sister Gerard laughs.

"How did it go with the young lady today?" Sister Robert asks as she begins to eat her lunch of a roast beef sandwich, plain lays, and grapes.

"Oh it went well. The young lady's name is Marie and she just found out she is pregnant."

Sister Robert gives a heavy sigh. "I wish we would start seeing less and less of that."

Sister Gerard nods her head as she takes a bite of her sandwich.

"At least they have someone like us to help them...at least the ones willing to ask for help," responds Sister Gerard.

"So what was your impression of Marie?"

"She is a very intelligent young woman. She has a boyfriend, who she is sexually active with, and the condom broke."

"Oh that is just terrible luck. She was trying to be responsible."

"Exactly!"

"Does she know what she is going to do yet?"

"No. I have to say though, there is something very different about this girl?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I always feel empathetic towards them, but this time it was more than that."

"Is there something extraordinary about her story?"

"No...I haven't discovered anything yet. It was just our first conversation; I like to slowly get them to open up to me. Besides, they don't know if they can trust me yet. I have to earn it."

"Do you think she will come back?"

"Yes, I believe she will. I'm almost certain of it. Grace when I looked in her eyes, it was like a connection I had never felt. And I think she felt the same way. "

"You have a real immediate bond with Marie don't you?"

"I do...and it only took an hour. It's kind of strange. I definitely saw a part of myself in her. Same perfectionist attitude, same fear that our futures would be destroyed by the pregnancy, the same shame, and the same guilt of disappointing the people we love."

"Yeah but most of the girls we help feel that way."

"True, but Gracie, this is different. I can't put my finger on why though. Ugh, this is going to bother me until I get to talk to her again."

The ladies finish their lunch. By the time they finish, it is time for Sister Robert to join the ladies in the conference room.

"Would you like to come back with me? I'm about to tell them the details of the process of becoming a full Sister in the order."

Sister Gerard gives her the "I don't really want to but if you beg me I will say yes," look.

"Come on Ally, it will be fun. You can help. I feel so much more comfortable when you are there."

"I'd be happy to Grace. Let me just make sure there are enough Sisters in front and I will join you in five minutes."

Sister Gerard walks out of her office to the front of the building. When she walks out there, all five desks are occupied. She tells Sister Mary John she will be upstairs with the new members if anyone needs her.

She makes her way upstairs and joins the ladies in their discussion. For the first 15 minutes, her attention is focused on Sister Robert, but her mind drifts as she begins to think about Marie and their first encounter. For the first time, she is really hoping that their first conversation will not be their last. She replays every moment of their hour together in her head, examining every word, every movement, and even the tone of the conversation. She stares out at the afternoon sun as she overanalyzes every moment of their exchange.

"Sister Gerard, is there anything you would like to add?" Sister Robert waits for her response, but it is obvious she is distracted. "Sister," she says in a stern voice.

"Yes?" Sister Gerard responds.

"Is there anything else you would like to add?"

"No...no. I think you said everything."

"Ladies, I'd like you to go ahead and take a tour of our facility. Sister Mary Theresa is the House Director and she will be giving you the tour. She will answer any questions that you have. You will get to meet my favorite security guy Tom. He is hilarious, but he will talk your ear off if you let him."

Sister Robert and the five students walk out of the conference room, Sister Gerard still sitting and staring out of the window. The only sound in the room is the second hand going by on the clock hanging above the door.

Meanwhile, Sister Robert says goodbye to the students, telling them they will finish their day with Sister Theresa and to come back the next day at 9am. She walks to Sister Gerard's office, and noticing she is not there, walks back upstairs to find her still sitting in the same spot, hand on her chin, and eyes fixated on the cloudless sky. She sits next to her.

"The bishop called. He needs to reschedule the meeting for today in an hour," says Sister Robert.

"What?! Oh my gosh," Sister Gerard yells as she rushes to get out of her seat.

"I'm just kidding dear. I had to say something to get your attention."

She sits back down in her chair.

"How long have I been sitting here?"

"Probably about fifteen minutes. The students have left for the day."

"I must have been really distracted."

"That's obvious hun. What were you thinking about?"

"Shouldn't that be obvious? I was thinking about Marie."

"Well Ally you are going to have to stop thinking about her at least for a couple of hours. Your meeting with Julie is in an hour and a half."

Sister Gerard's 3:30pm meeting with Sister Mary Theresa had slipped her mind, and she heads downstairs to her office while Sister Robert straightens the conference room. Sister Mary Theresa told her this meeting is just about discussing Cherish and any recommendations, but Sister presumed there was a second agenda. Sister looks over her notes one more time to make sure she hasn't forgotten anything. As she is walking out of the door, she thinks to check her cell phone for any messages. "If I check my phone and there is a message from Marie, I'm going to be thinking about that during my meeting," she says to herself as she revisits the pages of notes she had compiled in preparation.

Sister Theresa was the only one whose office is actually in the residential facility. She says the best way to do her job is to be close to the women she is working so hard for. For 3:30 in the afternoon, the house is extremely quiet. Usually at this time she finds girls in the common area fighting over whether to watch Dr. Phil or Scrubs. The sounds of preparing dinner echo throughout the house as the chefs debate over what vegetable best goes with the Tilapia they have prepared. As she passes the stairwell to the basement, she doesn't even hear the sound of pool balls hitting each other or the sound of a ping pong hitting a paddle. The silence is eerie as Sister Gerard makes her way to the back of the ground floor where Sister Theresa's office is located. She knocks on the door.

"Come in Allyson."

Sister Gerard opens the door and sees Sister Theresa sitting on the beige sofa in the front of her office, eyes closed, a prayer book across her stomach. Sister Gerard sits in a chair on the other side of a coffee table positioned between the sofa and two Victorian style chairs.

"Am I early Sister?"

"No you are just in time. I was finishing up my afternoon meditation."

Sister Theresa sits up on the sofa and walks to her L-shaped desk that is extremely organized for someone managing a facility such as Cherish practically alone. Sister Theresa's office is the most beautiful, not because of the dark wood furniture, the beautiful paintings on every wall, or the ornate oriental rug on the floor donated by a furniture salesman years ago; it is because of the spectacular view of the garden. Sister Gerard looks outside, noticing the new pansies and mums that Sister Robert had planted.

"So, Allyson, I didn't ask you here to really talk about recommendations, however I would like to talk to you about Cherish."

Sister Gerard begins to sit in one of the office chairs facing Sister Theresa's desk, but Sister Theresa insists they sit in her makeshift seating area. She returns to her Victorian chair while Sister Theresa grabs some papers and sits back on the sofa, bringing with her also two glasses of water.

"Sister, I have some great news. I have spent the last year writing grant after grant asking for my funding so we can expand our facility further. Lately, I have had to turn away women because we don't have the room or the staff. Other shelters are calling asking to place some of their girls here, and it breaks my heart to have to tell them we don't have the resources to provide for them. Well, that has changed. Last week the funding was approved."

"That is such a blessing Sister," says Sister Gerard with incredible excitement, "I will do everything I can to help."

"That's exactly why I wanted to meet with you today. I need your help. I'd like us to move of course to a more suburban area so we will have more space. I actually found the perfect place...to build our new facility."

"Wow Sister, we are able to build?"

"Yes ma'am. We get to design the place we want and the place best suited for the women we help. "

"Well what do you need me to do?"

"I need you to accept the position of Assistant Director. I know you enjoy interacting with the girls more than paperwork. I know you don't want to lose that, and I don't want you to either. With everything we are trying to do, I need you to accept this position. I am also asking Lisa to be a co-Assistant Director so you won't have to deal with the extra responsibilities alone."

Sister Gerard contemplates for a moment. It would be selfish of her to turn down this position simply because she doesn't want to lose the one-on-one time with the clients. The best thing she can do for them is take this position and help the organization expand.

"I promise Sister, you will still get to counsel the young ladies. A lot of the things I need help with can be done outside of the office. Please."

"Julie, I accept."

"Allyson, I'm so glad you accepted. We will get started as soon as possible with the plans."

Sister Gerard hugs Sister Theresa and walks toward the door. "Julie?"

"Yes Allyson?"

"I have a question. Why is the house so quiet?"

Sister Theresa laughs. "The residents went to the dollar movie theater. It was definitely not my idea, and I was hesitant to let them go. But the house mother, the security guard, and five Sisters went with them so I approved the excursion. It's got to be tough sometimes sitting in here all day so I said why not."

Sister Gerard smiles, says goodbye, and closes the door behind her. Instead of walking back to her office, she decides to take a detour to the garden. Although Autumn has begun, the temperature does not reflect the temporal change in season, and Sister Gerard sits in a patio chair enjoying the mild 72 degrees. Sitting in a chair looking right over the backyard, Sister notices that instead of water, the leaves are falling like rain. The work currently piling up on her desk doesn't currently concern her, and she clears her mind. For her, sitting outside is better than the chapel; what better way to experience an Artist than in His work.

After meditating on her new path, she goes back to her office, takes off her shoes, and slips into her blue slippers. She pulls out her bottom drawer, opens her purse, and grabs her cell phone. She has a missed call and a voicemail.

"Hi Sister Gerard, it is Marie. I wanted to call and say thank you for everything. I have decided to go ahead and tell my boyfriend Chris about the pregnancy. I'd like you to be there when I tell him, for support and just in case he decides to be a jerk. We usually go to Starbucks on Highway 280 after school. Can you meet us there around 4? Do nun's text? You can text me yes or no. My number is 2055557889. Hope to hear from you soon."

Sister Gerard is ecstatic to hear the sound of her voice. She looks through her schedule to make sure that she can get away at 4pm. Sister Gerard texts Marie, "I'll be happy to come. I will see you tomorrow at 4." The joy of the moment soon turns to fear when she realizes she could be crossing the boundaries with Marie. Usually they don't meet clients outside of the office; even with being extremely involved in their personal lives, they have to maintain a certain level of professionalism.

Her office phone rings.

"Allyson, we need you over here immediately."

"What's wrong Lisa?"

"I'll explain when you get here. Just come over."

Sister Gerard puts on her shoes and runs over to Cherish. When she walks in, all of the residents are sitting in the common area, with Tom standing at the entrance to the common room. Sister Patrick walks over, grabs her, and they walk to the kitchen.

"Lisa, what happened?"

"Tabitha," Sister Patrick says as they sit down at the kitchen table.

"What happened?"

"Everything was going very well. I was hesitant to take the whole house out, but I thought it would be okay. You know, when we go out with 5 or 6 girls it is great. Unfortunately Tabitha decided to use this opportunity to get drugs."

"What?!" Sister Gerard exclaims, surprised and horrified.

"After we decided to go out to the movies, Tabitha somehow got to a phone and called a friend. She asked him to meet her there. Before we left, we called and asked Leonard if he wouldn't mind coming with us to sit outside of the theater to make sure no one left. Before the movie started, she said she had to go to the bathroom. I didn't think I needed to send Tom with her to the bathroom. Obviously I needed to."

Sister Gerard sits back and listens. Even though the women are there by choice, they have to protect them and have to take all precautions.

"It took ten minutes for Tabitha to come back, but I still didn't think anything of it. Well when we were about to get back in the vans, Tom searched them and found cocaine in Tabitha's pocket."

"She didn't even try to hide it well?"

"Well, this was our first community outing. You know, we don't search them in small groups because we can keep a close eye on all of them, but I asked Tom to do it. I was furious with her. I couldn't even look at her. I just told her to get her butt on the van, I brought her here, and she is in Julie's office."

"So why are all of the girls in the common area?"

"Well I thought this incident was the perfect opportunity for a group meeting. I'm still trying to figure out how she got to a phone."

"Well Lisa this isn't an asylum."

Sister Patrick laughs. "I know but we have two phones in the building, the security phone that they can use to make supervised calls and the one in Julie's office. "

"Do you know what Julie is going to do?"

"I have no idea. I was hoping you could talk to the girls. All of us are too upset to speak to them."

"I'm upset too. I'm not exactly calm right now. "

"I feel betrayed Allyson. We do what we can for them. We give them clothing, food, help them find jobs, help them get on their feet, and most importantly love them, and then one of them does something like this. The worst thing is that we aren't going to be able to go out as a group for a long time, perhaps not even in small groups. One girl messed it up for everyone.".

"I'll talk to them."

"Thank you Ally."

Both ladies get up from the kitchen table and walk back to the common area. The girls are all whispering, presumably about what has just happened and the possible consequences. Although she just received the title, everyone always thought her second to Sister Theresa, and since she was currently occupied, it is up to Sister Gerard to talk to these girls and explain the new rules because of this incident, which she now had to think of quickly.

Both House Mothers, Julian and Tracy, are standing in the back of the common area by the window. Both are silent and have the same look of betrayal on their faces that Sister Patrick had in the kitchen. The television in the front of the room is off and in front of it are standing the three other Sisters who went on the excursion, Sister Mary Ruth, Sister Mary Isaiah, and Sister Mary Jacob. Sister Gerard walks up next to Tom, noticing none of the girls making eye contact with the Sisters.

"Hi Tom," she says.

"Hi Sister Gerard. Can you believe this?"

"No Tom, I can't. Where is Leonard?"

"He is standing outside. He feels guilty."

"Why? This isn't his fault. He did what he was supposed to do. It's not like she left the building."

"But he said he did see a young male walk in alone without purchasing a ticket. The guy looked suspicious."

"I guess I'll need to talk to him before the day is over. Don't let him leave without talking to me first."

Sister Gerard pats his shoulder and walks to the front of the room with the other Sisters, making her way through girls sitting and laying on the floor.

"Excuse me ladies," she says authoritatively.

All of the whispering stops.

"Ladies, what happened today was a disgrace and I am very disappointed in Tabitha, and anyone in this room who was aware of what she was doing and didn't say anything. We do not make you stay here. We offer our help, and it is your choice to take it or not. Once you accept our help, you have to do your part to improve your life."

Sister Gerard's angry tone is slowly drifting to one of compassion.

"I know you all will make mistakes. I know it is not easy. But we are working very hard for your well being. You have to meet us halfway and do your part. Now because of this incident, there will be no more excursions, except to Mass."

She hears a couple "aw man's" in the room and a few "damnits."

"I'm sorry to punish all of you for the mistake of one but we cannot take the chance that this will happen again. Now this isn't permanent but until we can figure out a way to make sure this doesn't happen again, there will not be anymore group outings. Are there any questions?"

"You all treat us like children," a young lady yells from the back of the room where she is leaning against the wall.

Sister Gerard, although insulted by this comment, remains calm.

"Again, like I said before. It is your choice to be here or not. Think about where some of you might be if it weren't for this facility. We want to help you and we want to protect you. Our rules aren't here to make you feel like children; we do not want anything to interfere with your progress. We all love you like you are our own children, and we see your potential. If we didn't, we wouldn't care what happens to you. We wouldn't work twelve and fourteen hour days to make sure you have everything you need."

"Is there anything else?" Sister Gerard asks again as she makes eye contact with the protestor in the back, her face humbling right before her eyes. "Okay, now all of you girls go back to your rooms."

The room is suddenly hectic with girls getting up, angry that their privileges have been taken away. Sister Gerard plops down on one of the sofas, her head in her hands.

"That was great," says Sister Mary Jacob.

"It does stink though that we have to take away their excursions and their ability to leave the house. Now it's like a jail. Shanika had a point. We do treat them like children sometimes. At some point, we have to trust them so they will learn to trust themselves."

"You are right," agrees Sister Mary Jacob, "but obviously some of them aren't ready for that freedom. They are here because they didn't know how to manage their lives and didn't appreciate the free will God gave them. Restrictions are doing a lot of them some good. They need structure."

"I know, but we have to find the balance at some point. Now I'm going over to Julie's office to see what is going on with Tabitha. This is not the kind of day I expected to have," she says as she walks out of the front door. She sees Leonard sitting on the curb and goes over to him.

"Leonard," she says as she sits down next to him.

"Hi Sister," he says, his timid voice indicating his persistent guilt.

"Leonard, it is not your fault this happened. I know you would never do anything that may put these girls at risk. You did the best you could."

"No I didn't Sister. I stood there and watched a dealer bring cocaine to one of our girls."

"Leonard, we can only do our best with the information we have. You didn't know. You are a great security guard because you treat them like they are your daughters. I see the love you have for them and you wouldn't be feeling guilty right now if you didn't care about them."

Sister Gerard rubs his back and then grabs his hand. She stands up. "Now, come on. Go back in there and I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Thank you Sister," Leonard says as she walks into the office building and upstairs to the conference room. Before she left the facility, Sister Mary Jacob told her Julie took Tabitha to the conference room to have privacy.

She enters the conference room, Sister Mary Theresa sitting across from Tabitha, Tabitha's head hanging down.

"Oh Sister Gerard, thank God you are here. She will not tell me anything. Maybe you can talk to her?"

She walks over to Tabitha and sits next to her. Sister has always thought Tabitha to have the face of an angel, and this time, that angelic face is covered in shame and tears.

"Tabitha, will you please talk to me?"

Tabitha looks up, her arms folded, and her pink hoodie covering part of her face. "I'm not talking with her here," she says, pointing to Sister Mary Theresa. Sister Gerard walks over to Sister Mary Theresa.

"Would you mind leaving?" she whispers. "I promise, I will tell you everything." Sister Mary Theresa quietly gets up and leaves the room without protest.

Since Tabitha began her stay at Cherish, Sister Gerard has been like the mother she never had, the friend she could actually trust, and the motivation she needed to change.

"Tabitha, why did you do this?"

"I don't know," Tabitha says, her chin on her chest and tears hitting her blue long sleeve tshirt. Sister Gerard puts her hand on her chin and lifts her head, looking into her eyes.

"Tabitha, tell me what's wrong."

Tabitha continues to sit silently. "Okay, I'll ask the questions then. What phone did you use to call this friend?" Sister Gerard continues.

"I used Sister Mary Theresa's phone. After I found out about the trip, I kept a lookout to see when she would leave her office. While she was gone, I walked into her office and used it."

She hesitates and takes a deep breath, afraid to ask the next question.

"I don't know if I want the answer to this but how did you pay for the cocaine? I mean, you don't work."

She lifts her head, looking at Sister Gerard. She can see Tabitha's humiliation.

"How did you pay for the drugs Tabitha?"

Tabitha insists on silence and Sister Gerard's tone becomes sterner.

"Tabitha, how did you pay for it?"

"You know how Sister. You aren't stupid."

"I want you to say it Tabitha. I want you to say it out loud. I want you to hear what you did to get a lousy high that could set back your three months of work here."

"I gave him a blow job," Tabitha yells. "Are you happy now? I gave the guy a fucking blow job for the cocaine."

Sister Gerard goes to put her arm around Tabitha, but she pulls away.

"Can you at least tell me why you did it? If you answer that, I will leave you alone and you can go back to your room. "

Tabitha gets out of her chair. "I wanted to feel something besides anger and disappointment. I haven't been able to find a job. I haven't figured out what I want to do for school. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I see all of these girls making such progress. I know how to be an addict. That's all I know and I'm fucking good at that. Obviously I'm not good at anything else."

"First of all, that is not true. I found you lying on the ground with a thin blanket over you in the courtyard didn't I? I saw the potential in you and I still see it now. Has anyone in here ever given up on you or made you feel like you weren't good enough?"

"No ma'am."

"Have we ever shown you that we were disappointed in your progress?"

"No Sister," she says,

"I thought you were doing amazing. Three months without drugs or alcohol takes strength and bravery that a lot of the other girls don't have. You were a role model and I hoped that some of the girls that came in here would learn from your determination and dedication."

"Really?" Tabitha asks.

Tabitha has never heard those words used to describe herself. She finally looks Sister Gerard in the eye. "I'm sorry Sister, I'm so sorry," she says as she begins to cry and puts her head on Sister's shoulder.

"You are stronger than you think Tabitha. You can do this. I'm here honey. If you ever start to feel the same way, come and talk to me first."

Tabitha sits up, wiping her tears away with her sleeves. "Now, tomorrow morning around 11am, I will come get you and we will sit and talk so we can change our approach in finding you a job. I'll bring some college brochures and we can look online at other schools and see if we can find a program you may like."

Tabitha smiles. "You can do this," Sister Gerard continues wiping a tear off of her face. "You are strong and smart."

It's moments like these that make Sister question her acceptance of the Co-Assistant Director position. This is what her life is about; helping women turn their lives around and making them into something they never imagined for themselves. Losing this connection would cause Sister to lose a part of herself.

Sister walks Tabitha back to her room and gives her one more hug before going next door to Sister Theresa's office. As she walks through the front door, the usual commotion of the residence has returned. Each time she passes one of the residents, she is not met with loving adoring eyes as usual. They aren't staring her down in disgust, but they are avoiding eye contact; the usual warmth of energy she often receives from each woman is gone. Even though what she has done is necessary, she feels she may have betrayed them and punished them unfairly.

The door is open and Sister Gerard walks in and sits in front of her desk. Sister Theresa is sitting in her desk chair, facing the window. When she turns around, Sister Gerard can see her puffy eyes and red cheeks.

"Don't look at me like that Allyson, I'm okay. What did she tell you?"

Sister Gerard proceeds to tell her all of the details. As she is explaining, Sister Theresa's expression displays a mix of anger and disappointment.

"So what do you think I should do?" Sister Theresa asks.

"I'm meeting with her tomorrow to discuss job and school options. In regards to the drugs, we have professional counselors here who can help her with that. I mean, she was doing well and she had a setback. "

"Allyson, I know you want to help her. You want to help all of them. But maybe she needs more help than we can give her. I was thinking about calling a rehab facility."

"Julie, we can't do that. She will be so hurt. I told her I would help her and I'm going to. Just give it some time. If we turn our back on her now, she will feel betrayed."

"Allyson, I can't be concerned with how she feels about us. I am concerned about her well being. She can hate us and our organization for the rest of her life if it means she is better, well, and thriving."

In her mind, Sister Gerard knows she is right, but her heart is telling her not to let go.

"Please Julie, just give her some time."

"Okay Allyson," she reluctantly agrees, "I want to see some real tangible improvement in 30 days or I am taking further steps."

"Deal."

"One more thing Allyson; I know you have a meeting with the Bishop later this week. I know you probably don't want to, but you have to tell him about this. But tell him it is being taken care of and steps are being taken to prevent it from happening again. He will understand."

Sister Gerard has not even thought about her meeting with the Bishop until this moment, and is now consumed with fear that this incident will have a negative effect on the organization. Since its inception, the Bishop has supported the organization one-hundred percent, and has even participated in fundraising. Although Sister Gerard does not doubt his compassion and understanding, she cannot help but think that this will leave a lasting negative impression.

While standing at the door getting ready to go back to the office, she turns around and tells Sister Theresa she is organizing a meeting with all of the Sisters.

"For what reason," Sister Theresa asks.

"Some things just need to change around here," she responds as she walks away. She stops at the security desk before leaving.

"Tom, what did you do with the contraband?"

"I flushed it down the toilet Sister."

"Good, good," she says and then returns back to her office. The scent of the fresh flowers she bought that morning, fill her office. She closes and locks the door behind her, and before she is even able to get to her desk, is overwhelmed by the day's events. It is demanding being the heart of an operation. She has the responsibility of resolving issues, making sure the clients are getting help, and now, organizing and executing an expansion. She feels one more problem, one more incident, one more demanding situation and she will break.

After composing herself, Sister Gerard logs on to her email and drafts a memo to all of the nuns in the facility, scheduling a meeting for seven the next morning. As she is sitting there, carrying the burden of the day's emotional rollercoaster, she stops typing and walks out of her office. She doesn't need one more thing to carry with her home. She decides to hold the emergency meeting immediately, and walks around the office and over to the residence, gathering her Sisters. Just in case, she asks Sister Robert to sit in one of the front desks for any possible clients. As she stands at the front of the classroom upstairs, she watches all of the Sisters come in and sit in desks. The room is completely quiet as Sister Gerard waits for all of her friends to come in and settle.

"Sisters, I have called this meeting for two reasons, both having to do with what happened this afternoon. What happened is no one's fault, and even though we are their caretakers, they have to take responsibility for their own actions and be held accountable for their choices. I do think some things need to change. First, even though Mel was angry, she had a point. We do treat them like children. Right now it is important that we keep a close watch on them, but perhaps during their progress we should let them have a little more freedom. The real world isn't going to be this structured and part of our responsibility is to prepare them for the world outside of these walls."

Sister Gerard can see the mix of skepticism and approval in the room. She is going to have to persuade, especially some of the older Sisters, to loosen some of the rules. It is difficult to convince someone to change when something has appeared to work for the last five years. At one time these strict rules were believed to be the best way to influence the girls in a positive way, but now Sister Gerard believes a more trusting approach will reap the best reward.

"I know some of you are doubtful," she continues, "but we have to show them we trust them. We can't do that by locking them up and treating them like prisoners when we say they are our daughters. And because we love them and they are our children, we need to make sure we are reassuring them. I spoke to Tabitha and she feels like she is failing, failing us and herself. We have to remind them they are good women who have made bad choices or have ended up in bad situations, and they are strong enough to change their lives. Tell them how well they are doing; tell them they are brave and strong, and tell them you love them. We cannot presume they just know we are here for them; we have to show it and say it every day. They are lost, Sisters. We have to help them find their way."

Sister Gerard pauses for a moment.

"Does anyone have anything to say or have a question?" she asks, hoping that no one will respond and she can slip out quietly back to her office. She waits exactly 60 seconds and is relieved to find the only response is silence.

"Well since there is nothing else, I will be sending out an email outlining in detail the things I'd like to change. Before we implement anything, I will discuss it with Sister Mary Theresa and I am open to any of your suggestions as well. We are a team ladies and I love all of you. You all invest your heart and souls into this place so I know you want this organization to operate in the best interest of the clients who need us. I hope you will think about the things that I have said. Thank you Sisters. "

And she walks out of the room, leaving her fellow Sisters exchanging their opinions, some remaining in their seats discussing what they think of her speech. Sister Gerard speculates what they are saying about her as she lays down on the sofa in her office. Before closing her eyes, she takes a look at the clock wishing her day was over, but it is only 5, a couple of hours still left of her workday. She thinks about writing the detailed email but is too tired to even type. She contemplates going over to the residence to talk to Sister Mary Theresa about what she suggested to the Sisters, but for her, even that would require too much energy. She even considers going over to the residence and hanging out in the common room with the girls, but she is certain they are not her biggest fan right now and would not appreciate or welcome her company. Instead, she resigns herself to the comfort of her sofa and the quiet of her office, spending the next 30 minutes attempting to quiet and slow her thoughts.

# Chapter 4

Allyson had asked Clarissa to come with her to see Sister Mary Joseph at the offices of St. Maria Goretti. Allyson stared at the now abandoned buildings downtown that once housed shops, clubs, and restaurants. Her mom told her that in her day, downtown was the place to be on weekends; now the life had been drained from this area. People sitting in diners had been replaced by squatters. Windows that used to display the newest trends were now covered in posters for the newest act at the struggling night club two blocks over. The brightly lit signs were dull and dusty, having not illuminated for at least a decade. The area was depressing and empty, and not the environment to lift Allyson's spirit.

"We are here," Clarissa said, parking in front of a two story building that from the outside, looked like a bank. "What time is your appointment?"

"2," Allyson responded, hesitating to open the door. Allyson stared out the window at the sign above the door that said Sisters of St. Maria Goretti.

"What did the secretary tell you do when you called?"

"She said for me to see Sister Mary Joseph and she would be able to help me. She told me to just walk in and ask to see her."

"Well it is only 1:42. We can sit here for a moment if you want," Clarissa said, aware that Allyson was scared and potentially not ready for this step. But Allyson had insisted on going ahead and getting it over with.

"No, we can go ahead and go in. The longer I sit here, the more tempted I am to tell you to just drive us back to school."

Both ladies got out of the car, Allyson rubbing her arms as she stepped onto the sidewalk wishing she had brought a sweater. She opened the door and immediately smelled vanilla.

"Whatever air freshener they are using, I need," Clarissa said as she closed the door behind them. The building had looked like a bank from the outside with the exterior bank like facade replicated on the inside. Six cubicles were spread around the room, a different woman at each desk, some of them talking to young women that appeared hopelessly desperate. The large windows on every wall allowed an abundance of light in the room. To the back, Allyson could see a hallway and to the right a stairwell that led to a balcony; it looked like there were more offices up there. While she continued her visual investigation, a young woman who looked no more than thirty walked up to her.

"Good Afternoon ladies. How can I help you today?"

"Hi, I'm here to see Sister Mary Joseph. My name is Allyson."

"Hi Allyson, I'm Sister Joseph. You can come to my desk honey."

"I'll just sit here in the waiting area," Clarissa said to Allyson.

Sister Joseph leaned over to Allyson and asked Clarissa's name.

"Clarissa, I'll be happy for you to join your friend if you'd like."

Clarissa got up and walked next to Allyson to a large cubicle towards the back of the room. Both sat in two chairs across from Sister Joseph. The cubicle was bare except for a couple of family photos, a picture of Mother Theresa holding a small child, and a small poster of Pope John Paul II secured to the glass by a few pieces of tape. On the corner of the desk was a potted orchid, a single white blossom.

"So Allyson, why are you here?"

Allyson took a deep breath, uncrossing her arms and placing her hands on her lap. Clarissa grabbed her hand as she told Sister Joseph, "I'm pregnant Sister and I need help."

When Allyson looked in her eyes, she did not see judgment. Without a word, Sister Joseph, through her smile and expression, had conveyed warmth and compassion. Allyson's racing heart had begun to slow. After nervously tapping her fingers on the arm of the chair for five minutes, Allyson was finally able to make real eye contact with Sister Joseph. Sister Joseph looked at her. She had not asked any questions or engaged her, but just patiently waited for Allyson to tell her whatever she was able to say.

"I'm scared Sister."

"Why are you scared my dear?"

Sister Joseph's voice was the most soothing sound she had heard in two weeks.

"This is going to devastate my parents and ruin my life. I don't even know what I want to do yet? I don't know if I want to give the baby up for adoption, keep the baby, or..."

Allyson paused.

"Or have an abortion?" Sister Joseph said.

"Yes ma'am," Allyson said, ashamed the thought had even crossed her mind.

Sister Joseph moved her seat next to Allyson and held her hand.

"You are a brave woman Allyson. It takes courage to ask for help in this kind of situation. I can already see you are strong and intelligent."

Sister Joseph paused waiting for a signal from Allyson she was ready to continue the conversation.

"Now, we are going to tackle each problem, and I will help you as much or as little as you want."

Allyson nodded her head.

"First, have you seen an OB/GYN yet?"

"No ma'am."

"Okay, well I am going to send you to Dr. Patricia Andrews. She works closely with us and helps our clients. You can remain completely anonymous, but you will need to provide medical history information."

Sister reached into her drawer and pulled out a card and handed it to Allyson.

"I would suggest going to see her as soon as possible."

"But Sister, I don't even know what I want to do? Shouldn't I wait?"

"Allyson, just in case you decide to carry the baby to term you need to see a doctor."

Sister Joseph told them about all of the services offered by the order. If Allyson chose adoption, they would help her choose an agency. If she chose to keep the baby, they would help her financially and allow her to bring the baby to their own daycare so that she could finish school. Although Allyson was not sure of her next step, she knew that she would at least take advantage of the counseling. She was even considering Sister Joseph's offer to come with her to tell her parents, but it was difficult for her to even think about that right now.

"Now Allyson, we've talked about telling your parents. Are you going to tell the father of the baby?"

Allyson had already decided that Brad would not know about this baby. It was stressful enough trying to sort through her own conflicting thoughts without another opinion adding to the confusion. Allyson would love to pretend she didn't know who the father of the baby was, but she knew Sister Joseph would be able to detect the lie before she even completed the sentence.

"Sister, I don't want to tell the father of the baby."

"Why? He may be able to help you make the best decision."

"Or he could complicate the situation."

"You are a good person Allyson. Eventually you will feel guilty for not telling a father about his child. And even if you don't, a kept secret can become a burden."

Allyson began to question her decision to withhold the truth in her belief that Brad's opinion was insignificant.

"Sister, the father and I aren't exactly on the best terms. He doesn't deserve to be a part of this process. Honestly, he doesn't need to be."

"Why doesn't he deserve to know about his child? What has he done?"

"Nothing I guess," Allyson said.

"Well honey at least consider telling him the truth. Trust me it will be better for you in the long run to let it go and confront it now."

Allyson nodded her head, acknowledging she heard Sister Joseph.

"Lastly, I want you to make sure you know this will not ruin your future unless you let it."

Allyson looked skeptically at Sister Joseph.

"What's wrong Allyson?" Sister Joseph asked.

"You don't understand Sister; this has ruined me."

"Honey, why do you say that?"

Allyson didn't know if she would be able to tell Sister about her aspirations of becoming a nun. She could only imagine her reaction. Maybe she would think she was a whore. Maybe she would think there was no way any order or convent would allow such a promiscuous woman to join them. Maybe she would understand, but still tell her it was out of the question. It was a risk she wasn't prepared to take; a truth she wasn't ready to reveal. Allyson's mom would always tell her not to ask a question she didn't want the answer to, and Sister's response to her inquiry about still joining an order might be one of those answers. However, Allyson had to know.

"Sister, since I was in middle school, I have wanted to be a nun. "

"Oh that's wonderful. Have you thought about which order you would like to join?"

Sister's response was not expected, and Allyson was shaken.

"No Sister, I have not. I've pretty much stopped planning."

"Why angel? Don't you still want that for yourself?"

Allyson began to sense that perhaps this misstep in her life was not going to change her plans; it had never crossed her mind and she had not even prepared to hear that she could still fulfill what she believed was her life's purpose.

"Yes Sister of course, but..."

"But you thought that you couldn't be one because of your pregnancy."

"Exactly Sister."

"Well Allyson, despite your current situation, you can still become a nun."

"What?!" Allyson responded in excitement, her eyes widening as she looked at Clarissa who was now hugging Allyson.

"Yes ma'am. A nun or Sister's life does not oblige perfection but simply striving to be the best possible person. Being a Sister is about creating a future for yourself, not concentrating on the past. God's Grace allows us to make mistakes and be forgiven for them. We are the same. We all make mistakes and we should all be forgiven. Especially for those women called to a religious life."

Allyson could not respond. Her heart felt relief for the first time in a month.

"Now there is something you have to know. "

"Ahhh, here comes the catch," Allyson thought. She knew it couldn't have been that easy. Lately nothing in her life had been that easy.

"You have to give the baby up for adoption. Keeping the baby is not an option. For most orders, women cannot have any dependent children."

"What if I choose to abort the baby?"

Allyson could see that, despite Sister Joseph's open-mindedness, she still showed disappointment through her faded smile and heavy sigh.

"You will not be turned away if that is your choice, but I encourage you not to do that. I have encountered a lot of women who have made that choice with a heavy heart and years later, the guilt haunts them every day. I do not want that guilt and regret for you. You are strong enough to carry this baby; you just have to start believing that yourself."

Not only was Allyson relieved that she could be a nun, but it seemed her decision had been made for her and she did not have to spend anymore nights debating her options.

"Do you have any questions? Remember, I am here Monday through Friday until 6pm. If you need to see me on a Saturday, just give me a call and I'll be happy to come in. Now, if you just need someone to talk to, anyone, then feel free to come on Saturday without an appointment. Someone is always here."

"Thank you Sister. You have no idea how much you have helped."

"You are very welcome. Don't forget to call Dr. Andrews to get an appointment and in hopes that you do choose adoption, I will contact a couple of agencies for you."

Allyson got up and shook Sister's hand. All three ladies walked to the door.

"It was very nice to meet you Sister."

"It was very nice to meet you too Allyson, and you Clarissa."

Allyson and Clarissa walked out, Sister Joseph still standing at the door.

"She was awesome Ally. She was so cool."

"I know right."

"And she was young. I expected to meet some elderly lady that smelled like moth balls."

"Clarissa that's awful," Allyson said laughing.

"It's nice to see that Ally."

"See what?"

"You laughing."

"It's nice to have a reason."

Allyson and Clarissa got into the car.

"You want to go have a late lunch somewhere?" Clarissa asked; "you pick."

"How about Dante's? I could go for some good pizza."

"Sounds good."

The girls headed to downtown Homewood. When you live in a city, it's nice to come to suburbs like this that look like they've remained unchanged for the past 50 years. Downtown Homewood was full of thriving small businesses. There weren't any big department stores or Kmarts, but just small stores, usually owned by families; it felt like a community. As Clarissa turned left onto 17th Street, she couldn't help but notice that Savage's Bakery was still open.

"Clarissa, we should go there after lunch. I could use a treat."

Since Allyson's first birthday, she had always had a cake from Savage's Bakery. It would be the perfect end to her day; maybe she would have a chocolate cupcake or a petit fore. She went through the list of goodies in her mind as they continued down 17th Street.

Looking out her window, she noticed a great mix of people. There were joggers, women with strollers, businessmen in their suits, and families walking into children's stores like Jack and Jill. She even noticed a group of ladies coming out of a nail salon, one girl with a veil on her head.

It was only at these times that Allyson thought about the life she would be sacrificing. Seeing brides or babies never made her question her decision, but she couldn't help but think how different her life could be.

Clarissa pulled up into the parking lot of Dante's. It was a small restaurant, but the smell outside could coax anyone inside. The small Italian pizzeria was painted white with black rim, red shutters around the windows, and large wooden double doors in the front. When they walked in, it looked like a place where Michael Corleone would meet with his enforcers before taking out a hit on a rival family. Although it was a bright afternoon, the inside was dim. The tables were covered in red tablecloths with a single candle in a small black vase in the middle. There were paintings of Italian monuments, like St. Peter's Basilica, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the canals of Venice, and the Roman Coliseum. One wall even had a mural of the Vatican and Vatican City. Allyson and Clarissa were seated at a table for two next to a window.

"So, I'm assuming you are going to carry the baby to term and give it up for adoption?" Clarissa asked.

"Yeah, pretty much. Honestly, abortion was my last, not my first, option. And even though God and the Sisters could forgive me for aborting a child, I don't think I could forgive myself."

Allyson and Clarissa began to look over the menu.

"Thank you Clarissa," Allyson said, putting her menu down.

"Awww Ally, no need to thank me. You are my best friend and I would do anything for you. I'll take you to doctor's appointments and back to visit Sister Joseph; whatever you need."

Allyson reached across the table and squeezed Clarissa's hand. "Oh," Allyson said pulling out her day planner, "I need to call and make my doctors appointment."

Clarissa ordered their lunch: a medium cheese, Italian sausage, sundried tomato, and mushroom pizza and an order of mozzarella sticks.

"I hate to be the reality check but you do know that just because you go to see a doctor who doesn't know you or your family doesn't mean you can avoid them until this baby is born."

"I know Clarissa. You know, I seriously considered extending my study abroad to an entire year to avoid having to tell them. But then I realized I would be alone which would be much harder than telling my parents. I'll probably take up Sister Joseph on her offer to come with me when I tell them. Maybe their immediate disappointment will be subdued if a stranger is in the room. They certainly wouldn't make a scene or act deplorably with a nun present. She would be the buffer." Clarissa nodded, and paused, gathering courage to continue.

"I hate to bring this us," Clarissa said sipping her Shiraz, "but what about Brad?"

Allyson didn't want to think about that piece of shit right now, but both Clarissa and Sister Mary Joseph had forced her to consider his feelings in this situation.

"Why do I need to tell him? I've already made a decision. I don't want his input."

"I know but Sister was right. Do you want to carry that secret with you for the rest of your life? What if you run into him ten years from now and it all comes back. I think you should tell him. He has a right to know Ally."

Allyson was ecstatic when the pizza came, grateful for a reason to stop this conversation. It baffled her that both of them were concerned with this man's rights when he didn't think about hers. She believed she could carry this secret for eternity if it meant that she did not have to see him ever again. As Allyson took the first bite of her pizza, she contemplated the idea that perhaps this would be a wake-up call for him and initiate a change in him.

"I think you may be right Clarissa. I'll seriously consider telling him."

They finished their meal, every slice gone. After paying their bill, they got back in the car and headed back up to Savage's Bakery. Clarissa squealed when she found a parking spot right in front, something that rarely happened, especially this time of day. Just like Dante's, the smell of the bakery lingered outside and Allyson immediately had room for a dozen almond macaroons even though the pizza had filled her up to her eye balls.

Allyson and Clarissa walked in, a long glass case the length of the store on the left and a few shelves full of prepackaged breads and cakes on the right. There was also an eating area down a couple of stairs with about six or seven tables and two booths, all of the tables and cushions in red. Allyson scanned the glass case, truly wanting one of everything.

"Clarissa, don't let me walk out of here with more than can fit in one bag."

"Okay but you do realize you tell me that every time we come in here and every time you walk out with a small box."

Allyson huffed at Clarissa, annoyed because she was right. Even if Allyson did get more than a bag, this could be the first time she used her pregnancy to her advantage.

"I'd like 3 petitfours, 3 almond macaroons, a chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing, and a cream cheese meltaway please. Do you want something Clarissa; my treat."

"There goes the one bag. I'll just take two sugar cookies and two oatmeal cookies. Thank you."

The young girl, that could be no older than 16, grabbed a box and started putting everything in it.

"Ally, before we go back to school, would you like to go down to Pickles and Ice-cream to look at their maternity clothes?"

Allyson was certain she was going to avoid maternity clothes as long as she possibly could and when she was forced to wear them, would just use the clothes Sister Joseph said they could provide for her if she needed or wanted them.

"Clarissa, one step at a time. I'm still adjusting to the fact that I'm pregnant; no longer living in the land of denial. "

Allyson paid for their desserts and Clarissa grabbed the box. Before Allyson had opened her door to get in, she had grabbed the box and started munching. Clarissa laughed.

"So I'm guessing you are going to blame your sudden over indulgence of sweets on the baby?"

Allyson nodded, getting into the car, goodies in her lap.

Allyson spent the entire week debating the perfect time to tell Brad, which she had finally decided to do, after another appointment with Sister Joseph. It took two weeks after that conversation for Allyson to finally get the courage to tell him. Tomorrow after her meeting with her advisor, she was going to tell Brad she was pregnant. She had practiced every word in the mirror; she conceived of every possible reaction. She imagined his expression, his tone, and his sudden hyperventilation. There was no best case scenario, and even if he was a gentleman, her feelings toward him would never change.

Clarissa had decided to go out to Sophia's with her sorority sisters so Allyson was left alone in her thoughts; that was dangerous. The perfectionist inside her was stifled by an unwelcome situation that had now changed her life. Despite her efforts to maintain some sort of normalcy, the morning sickness and fatigue prevented her from succumbing to the fantasy that her current situation would not affect her life in any way. The control freak was shaken when she became the vessel for another life, and that life was now controlling her. The good girl title would be stripped when suddenly she had a big belly and swollen feet and all of her peers that perceived her as the ideal, would judge her; the unspoiled angel would be flawed.

Allyson laid in her bed, staring at the ceiling. If she closed her eyes, the images in her mind switched between the possible look on Brad's face when she told him and a small fetus growing inside her. Both images were unsettling and she couldn't stop her mind from racing. She decided that maybe some soothing classical music would calm her. Halfway into Moonlight Sonata, someone knocked on her door. She pretended not to hear it considering the music was working, but the knocking continued.

"Allyson, open up. It's me."

Allyson distinctly heard Clarissa's Southern twang and got out of bed to open the door.

"What is it? It is 3am," Allyson asked, cracking the door and leaning her head against the frame.

"I did something really stupid," Clarissa said, pushing the door open and making herself comfortable on the edge of Allyson's bed. Allyson pulled out her desk chair and sat down.

"So what is this stupid thing you did? It's probably not as bad as you think."

"Actually, it is. You know I went to Sophia's right?"

"Yeah..."

"I mean, it was awesome. The band was great, the people were great...the drinks were great." Clarissa suddenly looked up, taking her head out of her hands. "Brad was great."

Allyson expected to hear some ridiculous story about drunk sex with an ex. The color in her face slowly drained as she prepared to hear of Clarissa's escapade with the father of her child.

"Let me preface this by saying that I was very drunk."

"Clarissa, did you sleep with Brad?"

Clarissa stood up, beginning to pace. "Hell no!"

"Well did you kiss him or something?"

"No...worse," she said, kneeling down in front of Allyson. "I told him about the baby."

"YOU WHAT?" Allyson yelled.

"Calm down Ally. It's 3am. You may wake our roommates."

"Don't tell me to calm down. You told Brad? How did that happen?"

"Well I was at the bar taking my sixth shot of tequila and somehow we started talking about you. He told me how much he liked you. He said he wished you would give him another chance...blah blah blah."

"And you felt the sudden urge to tell him about my unborn child?" Allyson furiously asked, getting out of the chair.

"Well he asked me how you were doing and I told him you weren't doing so well. He asked why and before I knew it I had said that you were pregnant."

Allyson did not respond, but instead fell back on her bed, placing her head in her pillow. Clarissa sat in the chair, the guilt strangling her, making it difficult for her to breathe.

"Allyson, I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me."

Clarissa moved next to her on the bed, pulling Allyson's hair out of her face. When she did, she could see the wet spot on her pillow.

"Ally..."

Allyson abruptly sat up on her bed, grabbing some tissue and blowing her nose.

"Ally please say something," Clarissa continued, pleading for Allyson's forgiveness. "I love you. And you know what, he may not think it's his. Let's hope he's too stupid to make the connection."

Allyson looked at Clarissa with such disappointment and hurt that Clarissa was afraid to say anything else.

"Clarissa you need to leave."

"Ally, can't we just talk and make up now?"

"Clarissa, you need to get out of my room. I can't even look at you right now."

"It was just a mistake."

Clarissa had never seen Allyson's face so red or her eyes so infuriated.

"A mistake is forgetting to put money in a parking meter; a mistake is oversleeping for class; a mistake is bumping into someone on a bus; a mistake is driving over a curb. A mistake is not telling a man who knows he is the only man I've ever slept with that I'm pregnant Clarissa! How could you betray me like that? How could you betray my trust? "

Clarissa began to speak, but Allyson interrupted.

"Just get out Clarissa. Turn off my light and shut my door behind you."

Clarissa did not look at her as she did what Allyson requested. Allyson had never been this furious in her life and had never felt so alone. The woman she trusted with a secret decided, in a drunken rant, to divulge it. Allyson did not need this. Tomorrow she had to tell her advisor she couldn't go to England. Tomorrow she was supposed to talk to Brad. Tomorrow she was going to need her best friend to come with her to Dr. Andrews' office. Tonight was not the night to feel abandoned. Allyson turned the classical music back on and cried herself to sleep.

Allyson woke up the next morning exhausted after only five hours of sleep; five hours full of tossing and turning. Usually she always made time before class to make herself presentable, but today jeans, long sleeve blue t-shirt, tennis shoes, and an oversized school sweater was enough. In a matter of 12 hours, her Philosophy of Religion class had become the class she wanted to skip instead of the class she was eager to get too.

Allyson grabbed her book bag and keys and began her walk to class, praying that Brad was not in class that day. As she walked past the student center, she saw Clarissa sitting at a table with friends. Clarissa waved but Allyson pretended not to see her and kept moving. When she walked in the brightly florescent lit room, she immediately saw Brad sitting in the back. She hurried to her seat, hoping the three minutes before class began wasn't enough time for him to get the courage to say anything to her.

Her stress calmed as soon as Professor Will walked into the room. As usual, he asked them to arrange their seats in a circle, and Allyson watched Brad's every move to make sure she was as far from him as possible. After the rearrangement of seats, Professor Will began the discussion of metaphysics. Allyson was normally the student eager to express her opinion or understanding; or at least ask a question. Today she was quiet. She spent most of the class staring out of the window, pretending to take notes, or watching the clock, waiting for 10:20. She didn't hear the professor say class was over until she suddenly heard the sounds of desks being moved across the room. She got up, got her books together, moved her seat, and rushed out of the room. Although she was walking quickly, she felt like she wasn't moving.

Before she could even finish crossing the threshold to the academic quad, she heard his voice.

"Allyson, wait."

She ignored the sound of her name and quickened her pace without looking like she was running away. Regrettably, he caught up to her, and began walking by her side.

"Allyson, can we talk?"

"Oh, Hi Brad," she said, faking ignorance that he was even anywhere near her. "Well, I do have a meeting with my advisor. Can we talk later?" she continued.

"No, it is really important," Brad said, guiding her off of the main walkway into the grass.

"Allyson...I know about the pregnancy," he said quietly.

"What are you talking about?" Allyson responded in another attempt to fain ignorance.

"Allyson, it's okay. You don't have to pretend. Clarissa told me."

At this point, Allyson knew she was not getting out of this conversation. It was time for her to put on her big girl pants.

"Come on over here. We can talk," she said, both of them walking to a bench in front of the admissions building. Allyson wished she had remembered her sunglasses. Not only was it a clear sunny day, but the sunglasses would inhibit his ability to look into her eyes and see what she was really thinking, and how she was feeling.

"Brad," she said bracing for the storm, "I am pregnant."

Allyson was surprised by the look on his face. Perhaps Clarissa's outburst had one good result; it allowed her to miss the immediate look of horror on every young man's face when he hears "I'm pregnant." The time he had to process the possibility allowed for a compassionate response which in turn, allowed her to relax.

"I'm guessing it's mine," he said, grabbing her hand.

"Yes."

"So what are you going to do? Have you decided yet?"

"I'm going to give it up for adoption."

The color in Brad's face had returned after hearing Allyson's decision, and she even heard his sigh of relief, which he had attempted to hide.

"I'm glad that's your decision. I'm not ready to be a father."

"I didn't do it for you. Abortion is out of the question and in order for me to become a Nun, I can't have any dependent children. I wasn't even thinking about you. Honestly, I wasn't going to tell you."

"Why wouldn't you tell me?"

"Well considering what happened, I thought you would be a jerk about my delicate situation."

Brad didn't respond.

"Do you need my help? I can take you to doctor's appointments and support you financially."

Brad continued to shock and surprise by actually being a man and taking responsibility for the consequence of his actions. Allyson had not rehearsed this possibility.

"That would be nice Brad."

Allyson reached in her bag for a pen and paper.

"Here, this is the number for Sister Mary Joseph at the Sisters of Saint Maria Goretti. They help teenagers in situations like this and she offered to talk to you if you wanted to. She said the adoption process is difficult for both people involved."

Brad grabbed the paper. Even though Brad was relieved at her decision, she could see his discontent that she had made it without him. She unexpectedly felt compassion for him and found herself asking him if he wanted to come with her to her first gynecologist appointment that afternoon. She regretted it the moment the words came out of her mouth, but before she could take it back, he agreed.

"Okay. My appointment is this afternoon at 3 at St. Vincent's hospital. I can meet you there at 2:45."

"Why don't I just drive you there? I don't have any plans this afternoon. I can come pick you up in front of your dorm at 2:30."

Allyson didn't want to spend an awkward thirty to forty-five minutes alone with him in his car, but he was trying and she felt obligated to at least give him a chance to be a human being.

"Alright; I'll meet you in front of my dorm at 2:30. Thank you."

"Allyson, I want to be here for you now. I can be the support you need."

Allyson had no response and just watched him get up from the bench and walk towards the science building. It had never crossed Allyson's mind the conversation would develop like it had. Every scenario that played out in her mind ended with her in tears, or with one of them walking away in anger or frustration. She wasn't prepared for sensitive Brad who was now taking her to the doctor and staying by her side. It had crossed her mind for a moment that he had an ulterior motive and would use this pregnancy to get closer to her, but she couldn't help believe he was sincere; she wanted to believe he was.

Allyson's advisor Professor Samuel was saddened by her decision not to travel abroad for a year. Her original plan was to go ahead and tell him of her pregnancy, but while sitting in this office next to this sweet man who saw every potential in her, she cowardly lied and said she was having difficulty finding the money for the trip but would consider it next year. This excuse would not have worked on most of her professors, but he was one of the rare ones who had actually never heard of her father, an attorney and staple in Alabama politics. She was not used to anonymity, which made her circumstance even more difficult to handle.

Noon was quickly approaching, and she had just enough time to grab a quick lunch before her afternoon class, General Statistics, a math requirement she put off as long as possible. Although it was the end of November, it was pleasant outside, so she took her cheeseburger, fries, and diet coke and sat next to the fountain centered between the student center and the library. She put on her sunglasses, which she quickly grabbed before going to the cafeteria, to avoid recognition, wanting the time alone to enjoy her lunch. Allyson was halfway through her lunch when Clarissa walked up to her table and sat down.

"Ally we need to talk."

Allyson sat unresponsive and continued to eat her lunch as if she remained alone.

"Fine, I'll talk," Clarissa said, undiscouraged by Allyson's silent treatment. "I know I made a mistake and I am sorry. You know I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you. I would never put you in an awkward position like that. And I know being intoxicated isn't an excuse, but I'm hoping you'll understand and forgive me."

By that time Allyson had stopped eating and was listening to Clarissa, arms crossed in front of her, expressionless and unsympathetic. Moments like these tested her beliefs in forgiveness. She was still angry, disappointed, and hurt...emotions that took more than 18 hours to subside. The Catholic Church forgives all sins, venial or mortal, and although Allyson considered this a mortal mistake, it was in her nature to forgive her. The only problem was that Allyson wasn't God and didn't have His unconditional love, and she could not bring herself to forgive Clarissa now.

"You do realize what you did don't you?" Allyson asked, making sure Clarissa was aware of the damage she could have done. "You do realize that you could have caused a destructive sequence of events because you can't keep your mouth shut."

Clarissa just nodded her head.

"You need to work on your discretion because someone else could have heard you and you know how this school is. If you take a purple dump, 15 minutes later someone on the other side of campus is going to know."

"I know Ally...I know and I will apologize 50 times a day until you forgive me."

"I can't forgive you right now but that doesn't mean I can't be cordial. Just give me some time okay?"

"Okay, I'll take that," Clarissa said smiling. "So, what's been the backlash from my slip of the tongue?" Clarissa asked, pulling out a cigarette, conversing as if their friendship had returned to its normal state. "Have you talked to Brad?"

"Yes I have," Allyson said taking off her sunglasses. She could be the bigger person and admit to Clarissa that her outburst had probably prevented a hostile confrontation with Brad. "He came to me after class today."

"And how did it go?"

"He's taking me to my doctor's appointment today."

"What?"

"Yeah...he was generous and kind and accepted responsibility. He didn't argue with my decision to give the baby up for adoption or even carry it to term. He offered financial help; he acted like a good man."

"Wow," Clarissa said leaning back in her chair, taken aback by not only Brad's reaction but Allyson's willingness to let him actively participate in the pregnancy.

"Thank you Clarissa."

"For what?"

"I hate to admit it but your outburst may have been a good thing."

"How is that? I betrayed your trust and confidence in me."

"You telling him gave him some time to get over the shock and to think about what he was going to say and what he wanted to do. His calm and compassionate demeanor during our conversation was in part because you already told him; so when we talked, he wasn't just reacting to the news and hearing it for the first time."

"Really? So my actions weren't completely terrible?"

"No they weren't. That doesn't mean I forgive you. It just means that it won't take me so long to trust you again."

Clarissa reached over and hugged Allyson, relieved to hear her encounter with Brad wasn't devastating to Allyson's already fragile situation. After throwing away her lunch, Allyson told Clarissa if she wanted to join her and Brad that afternoon, she could. Clarissa declined, opting not to purposefully put herself in an uncomfortable situation; she would prefer to never see Brad again. Instead, Clarissa continued her afternoon of studying and then a sorority function and Allyson went to class. She was nervous about her first doctor's appointment and was even a little ashamed for putting it off for 3 weeks, knowing she should have gone sooner for the health of the baby. But she couldn't change what she had done, and was focused now more than ever on taking care of the baby and herself; she was a mother, and the fact that it was a temporary title did not change her obligation to someone else for nine months.

Allyson stood in front of her dorm, looking at her watch every 30 seconds waiting for Brad's red Jeep Wrangler to pull up. She did not want to be late for her first appointment and just as she was about to get impatient, because it was 2:35, he pulled up. Before he could even get out to open the door, Allyson had already sat in the passenger seat and put on her seatbelt.

"That won't hurt the baby will it?" Brad asked referring to the belt across her lap.

"I don't think so."

Brad drove off towards St. Vincent's hospital, maintaining a forty mile per hour speed the whole way there. Although Allyson cared about the safety of her baby, it was stupid to drive that slowly on the interstate.

"Brad, you can drive faster."

"I just want to be careful."

"Well we are going to be late if you don't carefully drive a little faster."

Allyson could see Brad was nervous and had probably spent a little time in the library reading baby books before picking her up that afternoon. Once they got to the hospital, Allyson told him to park in the parking lot across from building two.

"Do you want me to drop you off in front and I park?"

"No Brad, I can walk. It's fine."

"Are you sure? I don't want you to get too tired."

"Brad, I'm pregnant, not disabled. I can walk."

Although Allyson knew Brad was just trying to be helpful, his overly-cautious attitude was becoming a annoyance. It seemed like she was going to have to calm him and relieve his anxiety instead of vice versa. After Brad parked the car, Allyson grabbed his arm.

"Look, I know you are scared. I am too, but there is no need to be so anxious. It's just another human being. And we only have to worry about taking care of it for nine months and it is fully protected in my womb; we have the easy part. Now, take a few breaths and let's go. Everything will be fine."

They walked toward the building and Brad grabbed her hand. She contemplated pulling away, but decided that she could swallow her pride and return the support that he was giving her right now. The building was quiet when they walked in, and plainly decorated. There was an information desk to the right with a young girl with headphones sitting at it. They walked straight back to the elevator to go to the 3rd floor. "We need to go to suite 307," Allyson said as she pulled Brad to the right, noticing the sign in front of the elevator directing them to the right for suites 300 to 315. When they got to the door, Allyson took a moment to look in. It wasn't a very crowded waiting area, and she walked in, seemingly dragging Brad behind her.

"Hi, how are you?" the redheaded receptionist said to them as Allyson signed in.

"I'm fine. How are you?" Allyson responded.

"I'm well. Thank you for asking. Who are you here to see?"

"I'm here to see Dr. Andrews. I was recommended by Sister Mary Joseph."

"Okay honey. On the sign in sheet, just put your first name, or you can remain anonymous and make up a name if you like; and put your appointment time and birthday. I will need you to fill out these forms, but only give the information you want to give. We will at least need an accurate medical history."

Allyson grabbed the forms and a pen and went and sat in one of the chairs next to a small coffee table full of health magazines and few popular ones, including People and Vogue. There was a small television on a table at the back of the room; it was on and it looked like Allyson's favorite Soap Opera General Hospital, was on, well at least the end of it. The room was cozy for a doctor's office waiting room. A warm blue color was on the walls and matching upholstery on the chairs. There were photographs and paintings of local Birmingham attractions like Vulcan, the Birmingham Museum of Art, Lynn Park, and Sixteenth Street Baptist Church. There was even a beautiful photograph taken at the Birmingham Botanical Gardens. Besides the cheap fake flowers on each table, the room was actually beautifully decorated.

Allyson filled out the forms while Brad browsed through one of the People Magazines. Occasionally she glanced at Brad; he appeared as if he was doing his best not to pass out or run out of the room. Allyson finished the forms and went back to her seat. She could pick up a magazine and avoid conversation, but she felt compelled to dissect his intentions.

"Brad, I have to say you have pleasantly surprised me."

"I know. You weren't expecting me to actually be a man were you? Expected more of an asshole response?"

"Well...yes."

"I'm glad I could be here."

"I'm just being honest. Just because I'm letting you help me doesn't mean I like you or even want any kind of relationship with you."

"I know," Brad said quietly.

"Don't expect me to forget just because you suddenly decided to be a good guy. It's going to take a while for me to trust you. But I am going to give you the opportunity to change my mind."

Brad did not respond, practically unable to conceive an appropriate response. Nothing he could say would redeem him; all he could do was act like the man she needed and hope they could move forward.

"Ally" a nurse said coming out of a door next to the receptionist desk. Allyson and Brad got up and walked to the back. First they went into a small room where a nurse checked her weight and height, took a sample of blood, and asked her to give a urine sample. When she was done with all of that, the nurse escorted them to one of the exam rooms and instructed her to take off her clothes and sit on the table.

Luckily Allyson had been to the gynecologist before and knew what to expect: the cold room and floor, the sterile space with only a few small paintings, and the light color on the walls, in this case, a pale yellow. She was still surprised that she had to get undressed just for a sonogram. The nurse told her that the doctor had to do a full gynecological exam. Brad waited outside while Allyson changed her clothes and put on the gown. The only relief to her chill was the heating pad on the chair that she turned on medium before Brad came back in and sat in a chair in the corner of the room.

The door opened and a 5'6 brunette with shoulder length strawberry blonde hair walked in the room.

"Hi Ally, I'm Dr. Andrews," she said as she walked over to shake Allyson's hand. "And is this the father?" she asked looking at Brad.

"Yes ma'am, this is Brad."

"Nice to meet you Brad," Dr. Andrews said. "Now, today I'm going to do a pelvic exam, a pap smear, and then an ultrasound. I'm going to need to ask you some questions and after all of the tests, we can go to my office and I can give you some information on pregnancy and what to expect."

Brad looked more panicked and nervous than Allyson throughout the entire process, uncertain of what he should do, or how he should react. When the doctor asked Allyson if she wanted to see the baby on the sonogram, Allyson declined. She felt that if she looked at the baby, she would begin to get attached and giving it up would be more difficult. She knew that eventually she would feel the baby kick, but she was doing what she felt necessary to maintain an emotional detachment. Brad however wanted to see the baby. Allyson looked into his green eyes the entire time he looked at the sonogram. He looked happy; his eyes began to water.

When they got into Dr. Andrew's office, she proceeded to tell them all about what to expect during the pregnancy. Since it was her first pregnancy, Dr. Andrews warned her that she would go through many changes. Until the 28 weeks point, she would only need to come in every month. After that time, she will need to visit every two weeks and probably at eight months, she would need to come in every week. The doctor also told her that she was about six weeks along.

"When will we get to hear the heartbeat?" Brad asked excitedly.

"At about twelve weeks."

Brad had a broad smile on his face. Allyson looked into Dr. Andrew's brown eyes, searching for some confirmation that her reaction was normal, especially in her situation. Dr. Andrews smiled at her warmly while Brad looked through a multitude of brochures she had at the edge of her desk. Allyson spent most of the time listening to Brad's questions and the doctor's answers, taking some of it in, but most of it sounded like mumbling.

"Allyson, I will have the results of your pap smear and blood work in a few days. Just take it easy, and if some of your side effects get to a point that you can't handle, just let me know. And I'm sure Sister Mary Joseph can help answer any questions you have if I'm not available. Do you have any questions now?"

"No."

"I know you are overwhelmed honey but I promise, you can handle this. No need to worry," she said as she walked in front of the desk to give Allyson a hug. After their embraced, Allyson looked over to see Brad holding a copy of every pamphlet she had. He fumbled as he extended his hand to shake hers. Dr. Andrews couldn't help but giggle as she watched him walk out of the room, Allyson one step behind him. Allyson and Brad walked to the car in silence, Allyson mentally struggling with the last hour and a half.

"Allyson, what's wrong?" he asked as they got into the car.

"Nothing," she said.

"Ally, I may not have known you for very long, but I know something is wrong."

Allyson leaned to the side, her head against the window. "It's real now. I thought I had dealt with this situation. I'm going to get sick and gain weight and have to buy maternity clothes and have to use the bathroom every ten minutes and have swollen feet and have a baby. I'm going to have a baby."

Brad didn't know what to say and the only thing he could offer was a rub of her back as tears came down her face. She tried to turn her head towards the window so he couldn't see her. She didn't want anyone, especially Brad, to know that she had moments of weakness. Allyson could hear his voice and wished he would just be quiet.

"So would you like to go get something to eat? We could talk about things."

"Brad, thank you, but I'd really like to be alone right now. Could you please just take me back to my dorm?"

"Sure," he said, disappointed.

When they arrived in front of her dorm, Allyson grabbed all of the brochures he had picked up. She walked back into her room, threw them on her desk and plopped on her bed, covering her head with her comforter. Today had been harder than she thought. She tried to drown out the noise of her roommates, but it wasn't working. This was not the environment for her to get any sort of peace. She sat up and began to thumb through all of the brochures. She figured Brad wasn't really paying attention because he picked up a brochure on breastfeeding. She had to have 20 brochures in front of her. She picked one up about nutrition and began to read it, but five minutes into perusing it she got tired of the words and put it down. Her mind was frantic and she began to panic. She looked at the clock and it was only 5:15pm. She grabbed her keys, headed for her car, and drove to the office of St. Maria Gorretti.

She found a parking space right in front and practically ran inside. She obviously looked like she was in an emergency situation because as soon as she walked inside, a Sister rushed up to her and asked her if everything was okay. Allyson shook her head and asked if Sister Mary Joseph was still here. The Sister said yes, and after a quick labored thank you, she headed back to Sister's desk. When she got to the door, Sister Joseph was on the phone and motioned Allyson to come sit down.

"Dear, you look upset," Sister Joseph said putting down the phone.

"I just came back from my first doctor's appointment."

"And how did it go?" she asked as she sat in the chair next to Allyson.

"I was fine...until this," and she put down all of the brochures Brad had taken, onto her desk. Sister Joseph fingered through them herself.

"Too much information at once Allyson?"

"Yes ma'am. I don't know what to do with all of this."

"Breastfeading?" she asked, holding up one of the brochures in her hand.

Allyson chuckled along with Sister. "Brad picked that up. He took one of everything."

"Brad is the baby's father?"

"Yes ma'am."

"And having him there wasn't comforting?"

"In the beginning it was, but after a while, when I was freezing laying on a table with my legs spread and having all of these things done to me and having the doctor telling me about all of the changes I'm going through, I started to resent him. It seemed like he was getting off easy and I was going to have to deal with all of this crap." and Allyson picked up the brochures and threw them in the trash can behind her.

Sister stood up and got them out. "Allyson, these will be helpful."

She rolled her eyes, not wanting to touch them again.

"Allyson, I know this is tough. I know it is a lot to take in and understand at such a young age. These brochures will help you, especially this one about the hormone and body changes. It tells you what to expect in the coming weeks and months."

Sister put the brochures in Allyson's purse.

"Just take them home and when you are ready to look at them, look at them. Right now just take the time to absorb today's events."

Allyson sat quietly as Sister held her hand. "Would you like to go to the chapel Dear? We can pray together."

She looked up and nodded her head. Both ladies walked to the chapel in the back of the building. They knelt together in front of the altar.

"Allyson, would you like to pray silently or would you like me to say a prayer?"

"Sister would you say one for me?"

Sister smiled and then closed her eyes.

"In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. God, we are here today because your daughter needs your help. She is lost, confused, and overwhelmed. She is pregnant God and needs the strength to take care of this baby and herself. She needs your strength and guidance for the next 8 months. God she needs to feel your love. This beautiful, smart, intelligent, and capable woman does not realize her own courage and bravery, and she needs You to help her recognize her own strength. She needs to know that at the end of her journey, she will be stronger, wiser, and her life will still be hers. God help her to move forward and to still go after her dreams. God she is afraid of other's judgments but help her understand that Yours is the only one of importance and You still cherish her as one of your children. Lord help her to feel your unconditional love and when she is feeling broken and unable to go on, let her know that You are there for her...and so am I. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen."

Allyson and Sister both sat on the pews in silence for five minutes.

"Allyson, the Sisters and I are going to dinner together after work today. A few of us always have a girls' night out every Friday night. Would you like to come with us?"

For the first time today, Allyson didn't feel like she was stuck in quicksand; she was standing still and the right person came along and helped her to take a step.

"Yes Sister, that would be wonderful," she said as she stood up. She was still overwhelmed but now she realized she would not carry her cross alone.

Sister had put her arm around Allyson and they proceeded out of the chapel. "Allyson, do you know what the key to living is?"

"No Sister."

"Hope."

# Chapter 5

Sister Gerard walks into a crowded Starbucks and orders a Venti White Chocolate Mocha. She rarely indulges in over-priced "gourmet" coffee, but today she feels she has earned one luxury. It is 3:50 in the afternoon and she is waiting for Marie to arrive with her boyfriend Chris. Two weeks ago, Sister received a voicemail from Marie asking her to meet them here after school. It had taken that long for Marie to finally find the courage to follow through with telling Chris about her pregnancy. Sister Gerard begins to reminisce on her own past, drawing from her own life possible advice she can give Marie. If Marie is anything like her, no words of wisdom or prayers can alleviate the uncertainty and complete loss of control.

In all of her years as a counselor, this is the first time she has sat with someone to tell the father of the baby. In most of her experience, the girls do not know who the father is or don't want to tell them. She has been present when telling parents, but this situation will be a challenge. When helping girls tell their parents she was certain of one thing; the parents may be upset, but their unconditional love, at least for most, will allow them to forgive. With the boyfriend, Sister cannot be sure of that and she has to prepare Marie for the possibility that he may not react with compassion and understanding; he may choose to remove himself from her life.

Sister Gerard sees Marie walk in, sunglasses on her head and designer purse in tote and go straight to the counter. Free from the uniform rules of her school, her shirt is unbuttoned revealing a cute white t-shirt with her name written in pink across the front, her belt removed, and her sweater tied around her waist. Sister Gerard is close to the counter and upon hearing the barista call her by name, supposes Marie frequents this Starbucks after school.

After grabbing her decaf Grande Caramel Macciatto and blueberry muffin, she sits across from Sister, placing her purse in one of the empty chairs.

"Hi Sister, how are you?" Marie asks taking a sip of her coffee.

"I'm doing well dear and you?"

"I'm tired of throwing up all of the time."

Sister Gerard giggles. "Just give it some time. The morning sickness and nausea will ease. So, where is Chris?"

"He will be a little late. He had a French Club meeting today. He's going to come over afterwards."

"Well you could have called and we could have met later."

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about some things before he came."

Sister Gerard takes another sip of her coffee as Marie takes the sunglasses off her head and moves in closer to the table.

"I had my first gynecologist appointment yesterday and it freaked me out a little. I've only been driving for like a year and I'm supposed to carry a child?"

"Well...yes. I have had girls younger than you and without the support and resources that you have, maintain healthy pregnancies, and are currently successfully taking care of their children. You are capable of more than you think you are."

"What if I'm not? What if I screw this up?"

"You won't. You have me and you have your parents. There are too many people who love you and care about you for you to even think that you will not get through this."

"You forgot to mention Chris. He'll be here for me."

"Marie, that's one thing I wanted to talk to you about."

Marie knows what is coming; she is about to be warned that this man that she loves and she thinks loves her may not take responsibility for the child.

"Chris may love you, but he may not respond the way you want him to. From what you have told me, he sounds like an amazing guy and boyfriend, but his reaction may be off-putting."

"And he may abandon me?"

Sister nods her head.

"Well I don't believe he will do that. I didn't ask you here because I was afraid that he wouldn't step up. I asked you here because I need support to even get the words out of my mouth."

"Then that's what I will do."

Marie quickly changes the subject and begins to talk about her gynecologist appointment. She confides in Sister that she is still uncertain of what she wants to do.

"I don't want to put pressure on you but you will need to make a decision soon. How far along did the doctor say you were?"

"Seven weeks."

"Well, if you are planning to abort your child, which I'm hoping is not your first option, you only have until the end of the first trimester to have the procedure done; you only have five more weeks."

"Well I think Chris and I should make this decision together."

"I think you are right, however, it is okay to put what is best for you and what you want first. This is your life and only you know what's best for it."

Before Marie could even respond, a blue-eyed blonde comes and kisses Marie on the cheek. He reminds Sister of her high school boyfriend, except Thomas was thin and lanky; Chris is tall with broad shoulders. He doesn't seem like the geeky guy Marie described to Sister, but instead more like the most popular and athletic guy in the school.

"Chris, this is Sister Mary Gerard. She is in the same order as Sister Mary Luke from school."

"Ohhh, nice to meet you Sister."

Marie puts her hand on his and looks him in the eye. "I invited Sister here because I need to tell you something very important."

Chris looks over at Sister, examining her. "Are you becoming a nun?" he asks, chuckling as Marie's expression becomes more serious. Marie looks into Sister's eyes for reassurance.

"Chris," she takes a deep breath, "I'm pregnant."

Chris's eyes widen and he jerks his hand away from hers.

"What? You're pregnant?"

"Chris, calm down. Everything will be fine," Sister Gerard says attempting to diffuse the situation. Unfortunately the bomb is going to go off and she just needs to protect Marie as best she can from the potential damage.

"Have you slept with somebody else?"

Marie is clearly insulted by his presumption.

"No. How can you say that? I haven't slept with anyone else you asshole."

"Okay...Okay...let's bring it down a notch. We are in public, "Sister Gerard says attempting to pacify and mediate.

"Then how did this happen?" he asks in anger.

"The condom must have broken."

"Oh my God, I can't believe this."

Chris's face is turning red as a beet, and he looks at Sister Gerard for comfort. She reaches over and grabs his hand.

"Chris, I know you are surprised, but she is telling you because she needs your support and understanding. This is the time she needs you to show the love you say you have for her. "

Chris continues to sit in silence, the sound of the expresso machine drowning his thoughts.

"You're going to have an abortion right? I'll pay for it."

The conversation has become the nightmare that Marie had not even conceived of, and she hits him, an emotional reflex.

"I don't know what I'm going to do. I thought we could talk about this together."

"I'm not ready to have a baby. I'm too young to be a father. We are too young for this, right Sister?"

If Sister is honest, she has seen younger couples in much worse situations survive an unexpected pregnancy.

"Chris, I don't know if you will be able to handle this or not. From the conversations I've had with Marie, I know that she is capable of anything. And the way she has talked about you, I have come to believe it is possible that both of you are strong enough to make the right decision."

"Sister, do you mind? Can we have a moment alone?"

Sister Gerard looks at Marie to make sure she is okay with that. Marie nods her head and she picks up her coffee and moves to the patio area. She sits at a table that allows her to see them; what she wouldn't give to be a fly on that table. Marie's head is down and Chris is looking at her, probably begging her to do what he wants. Every few seconds, Marie lifts up her head and looks at him, at least one side of her face red. He looks like he is yelling, or at least speaking with a raised voice, and she appears to be too shaken to respond adequately or stand up to him. As she is about to go inside due to the slow escalation of the conversation she is witnessing, Chris gets up and walks away. Marie places her head in her arms on the table, and from the pulsating movement of her back, knows she is sobbing.

"Marie," Sister says as she puts her hand on Marie's back and sits next to her. "Marie, look at me."

"You were right Sister. You were right," she says gulping the last of her coffee.

"I didn't want to be," she says as she puts Marie's head on her shoulder. "What did he say?"

Without moving her head Marie recounts the last ten minutes.

"He said he can't be a father and go to Dartmouth. He can't be a father and finish the school year with a perfect 4.0 GPA. He said having a baby would wreck his future."

"Well what about yours?"

"Exactly! What about my future. I told him that he wasn't the only person this was affecting and he should stop being a selfish prick. That just made him more angry. He threatened to break up with me if I didn't have an abortion. I don't know what to do Sister. Why did he have to be so mean? Someone who loves you doesn't treat you like that."

Sister takes a few seconds to compile a response. This is one of those moments where the wrong thing could worsen the situation. She didn't want to hurt Marie more.

"I honestly don't know what is going to happen Marie. I don't know if Chris is going to come around or if he is going to remain distant. The best thing you can do is to prepare for the worst case scenario."

"Which is me going through this alone."

"No, going through this without him, but not alone."

"Ugh, I can't imagine how my parents are going to react if Chris reacted this way."

"Your parents will not react anything like this. They will be upset and disappointed, but their unconditional love will triumph over all of that, perhaps not immediately, but it will."

"Thank you Sister," Marie says getting out of her chair.

"You are welcome darling. Now, are you too upset to drive?"

"No Sister, I'm okay. I'm just worried."

"I want you to think about something. Have you ever heard of the Serenity Prayer?"

"Maybe."

"Well the first lines of that prayer are 'Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.' I know it sounds crazy but you cannot change the fact you are pregnant, you can't change Chris's reaction, and you cannot change your parents' possible reaction, so don't worry about them. Have a little faith in God and yourself. Can you do that for me?"

"Yes Sister I can."

Marie walks away, smiling at Sister as she walks out of the door. This afternoon was not what she expected, especially considering everything she knew about Chris. It made her think of Brad, someone who she thought would have reacted like Chris but behaved like a gentleman. Sister sits at the table for about fifteen more minutes just reviewing the events of the day and tomorrow's agenda. She looks at her watch and rushes to her car, heading back to the office to do some last minute paperwork.

Sister Gerard has already begun to struggle balancing her new and old responsibilities. Although all of the work is for the improvement of the facility, she is beginning to regret her decision. Last week for the first time she had to ask another Sister to help her patient because of a series of meetings she was having with the Bishop, Sister Theresa, and Sister Patrick.

Sister Gerard arrives to an almost empty office, most of the Sisters already gone for the evening.

"I didn't know if you were coming back," Sister Robert says walking towards her desk.

"Well I had to come back and get you didn't I?" Sister Gerard says with a smile. She throws her purse onto the sofa and collapses in her desk chair.

"Rough afternoon?"

"Rough is an understatement Grace. You should have seen the look on her face. She expected him to be shocked but not act like he did. He was insensitive and selfish. It was awful. He threatened to break up with her if she didn't have an abortion. Can you believe that?"

"What is she going to do?"

"I don't know. She doesn't know. It depends on if she's willing to sacrifice what she wants just to keep him."

"And you know that's a possibility."

Sister nods her head in agreement. "Just makes me relieved that I didn't have feelings for my baby's father. I was able to put myself and what was best for me first."

Driving home is difficult for Marie, her mind in a haze, and her eyes blurry. She drives around for an hour, thinking about Chris's harsh words that penetrated like daggers. She had planned for both of them to go to her house and tell her parents together, but now she has to rethink her approach. It has crossed her mind to just let them find out when she starts gaining weight and her ankles look like apples sitting on her feet. Maybe she can write them a note or send them a text, anything to avoid the look on their faces when she tells them their sixteen year old daughter is going to be mother; or just have a child; or be a murderer.

Not even the bass filled hip hop music playing in her car can mask her screaming thoughts. "Perhaps I was too upset to drive," Marie thinks to herself, pulling over into a Walmart parking lot, parking in the last row, turning off her car, and closing her eyes. She turns down the music and tries to relax. She attempts to replace the thoughts of failure with the words of Sister Gerard. "I am strong" she repeats over and over again, concentrating on the future and challenging herself to focus on the possibilities, not the mistakes. "I am pregnant and now I have to deal with it," she says, trying to channel the strength Sister Gerard claims she possesses.

One hour later, Marie wakes up to the sound of "Whatever You Like" by T.I., the ringtone for her best friend Cyndi. Before she can even find her phone in her purse, she looks at the radio and sees it is 7:30. She quickly starts her car and makes her way home. When she turns the corner onto her street,, she sees Chris's car parked in front of her house. Her instinct tells her to turn around but she told her parents she would be home an hour ago. When she parks her car, she looks at her cell phone to see 15 missed calls, oddly none of them from her parents; a few are from some of her friends and the rest from Chris. Along with those missed calls are ten text messages. Eager to get to her room, she throws her cell phone back into her purse and rushes to her front door. Before she can even take one step onto the walkway, Chris is calling her name.

"Marie!" he yells, running after her. "Please talk to me."

She ignores him, fumbling through her purse to find her house keys.

"Please honey give me five minutes."

Marie stops at her porch stairs and turns around to face him. "What is it Chris?"

"I'm sorry okay. I'm so sorry about how I reacted. Please forgive me."

"You really hurt me, you know that? How can you say you love me and then speak to me like that and treat me like trash?"

"I was in shock."

"I was too when I took the pregnancy test and it was positive. It's not like I did this to myself."

"I know and I have no excuse for acting the way I did."

Marie sits down on the stairs, placing her purse on the ground. Chris sits and puts his arm around her.

"We can get through this...together," he says kissing her.

"Do you mean it?"

"Yes."

"I am so relieved to hear you say that. I just don't know what to do. They shouldn't really call my options "choices." They all sound horrible to me."

"You know how I feel so I think you should just do what you want to do."

"Chris, are you serious? You don't even want to consider the other options?"

"No I don't. I can't raise a child. I want to go to college and have a life. I don't have a job and therefore don't have the money to pay medical bills, for maternity clothes, prenatal vitamins, and God forbid you keep it, the money to raise it."

"Maybe our parents will help? I know they will."

"I don't even want my parents knowing about this."

Marie stands up enraged.

"What?! Are you just going to fucking hide me from them for nine months if I choose to have this baby? Are you ashamed of me all of a sudden?"

"I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to. This isn't all about you. My life is being disrupted; my life is about to change. I am the one who is pregnant."

"Baby just calm down. I mean, you know it would be easier just to have an abortion. We won't have to deal with the inevitable hassles at school from our peers, we won't have to worry about finances, and we won't have to worry about changing our plans; we could still do everything we've wanted to do."

"And what if I decide to have it or even keep it? What are you going to do? Are you not going to help me? Are you just going to stand by and pretend you don't have a son or daughter?"

Chris doesn't respond.

"I guess that's a yes."

"It's not a yes. It's an 'I don't know.' I do know I don't want to be a father. I do know I'm not ready for this and I'm not about to let one mistake ruin my life."

Marie shakes her head, unable to believe this is the same guy who kissed her goodbye after school yesterday and told her he loved her. She doesn't know the guy standing in front of her.

"You don't care about me at all do you? You are a selfish bastard!" and she turns around and unlocks her front door.

"Don't do this. I do love you. I'm saying all of this out of love. I want you to have all you've ever dreamed."

"As long as it fits into what you want. You know what, just leave me alone. It's over. Go find some other girl to follow you around like a lost little puppy and do your bidding."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"Yes! I thought you would be a man. I thought you would be supportive, but instead you are acting like an insensitive self-centered dick."

"You didn't mind my dick before."

Marie's mouth drops in disgust.

"I can't believe you just said that!" she yells in anger.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not handling this very well."

"You think? I rather do this alone than have you by my side."

Chris backs away from her, surrendering in his realization that nothing he can say will help the situation.

"Why don't you just take a couple of days and think about this and then we will talk."

"I don't need time to think. I'm done with you Chris. You are a piece of shit," and she walks in the house slamming the door behind her. She takes a peak out of the window and watches him linger in front of her house and then get in his car. She leans back against the door and takes a huge breath to compose herself. She can hear her mom in the kitchen cooking dinner and yelling for her younger brother to come set the table. Her father is probably in his study working as usual. She should speak to her parents, but she really wants to slip upstairs to her room, stick her Ipod in her ears, and ignore the rest of the world at least for the rest of the night. Regrettably for her, her younger brother Josh runs down the stairs through the foyer, yelling that she is home.

"Hi honey," her mom says as Marie walks into the kitchen. "You are just in time for dinner. Josh, go get your father for me please. How was your day?"

"It was fine."

"That's good."

Marie drops her bag on the floor and sits at the dinner table.

"Hi my darling girl," her father says walking in and kissing her on the forehead. "How was school today?"

"It was good. Mr. Jacobs loved my presentation today in English."

"Did you talk to your college counselor today about applying to Brown?"

"No Dad I didn't."

"Make sure you do it tomorrow."

"Dad, I know that's your alma mater but I'm not really interested in Brown."

He ignores her comment as his plate is placed in front of him. "Thank you honey. Everything looks great."

Seeing her parents is like watching an episode of "Leave it to Beaver." Her mom manages a non-profit organization and still helps Josh with his homework and cooks dinner. Her dad owns a software company and still finds time to have dinner with the family at least five nights a week.. Somehow she has to live up to all of this. Marie does her best not to engage her parents. She eats her meal, only responding with "yes," "no," or a simple move of her head. When her mom gets up to clear the table, Marie excuses herself and goes to her room. As soon as she closes the door, she is overcome with emotion and slides down to the ground, her head on her knees.

Despite her desperate need to remain in the fetal position on the floor, she gets up and grabs her backpack. "Can't forget to do my homework," she says to herself. In spite of her mental distractions, she tries to focus on the task at hand. Her mind keeps going back to the afternoon at Starbucks and what happened in front of her house. It doesn't help that every time her mind does find its way back to the present, her phone rings, and it is Chris. After the fourth call, she puts her phone on silent and continues her attempt at memorizing the major events of the French Revolution. "What would Marie Antoinette have done in this situation?" she asks herself.

Marie spends the night tossing and turning. In the morning, she is more exhausted than when she laid down at midnight. As she tiredly rises out of bed, she hears her mother trying to get Josh ready for school. Although she isn't ready to tell them, part of her wishes that one of her parents noticed her abnormal behavior and came to check on her. "But they wouldn't think anything was wrong with their perfect daughter," she thinks to herself as she walks to the bathroom.

Every morning is spent with Marie maintaining her title of the "chic smart girl." She wears a uniform like everyone else, but her hair and makeup have to be exquisite, and she has to have the perfect black kitten heels or navy flats. Her jewelry, because of the dress code, has to be minimal but make a statement; and she can't walk in without her Dior sunglasses and Coach purse. She may appear like the snobby rich kid, but every luxury item she has was earned, at least in her eyes. Likewise her parents see those things as rewards, not spoils.

When she is done dressing, Marie walks downstairs to the smell of bacon. She strolls into the kitchen to see pancakes, bacon, and eggs sitting on the table. Usually she grabs a bowl of Special K, but today, she no longer has to worry about maintaining her weight; weight gain is inevitable, and she fixes herself a plate.

"Good Morning Gaby. Well it's nice to see you are eating a real breakfast for a change," her mom says, bringing her some syrup and butter.

"Thanks mom," Marie says, taking a huge bite of her pancakes.

"Dear slow down. You are going to give yourself indigestion you keep eating like that."

Halfway through the meal, Marie feels like she hasn't eaten in months until now and enjoys every bite. After cleaning her plate, she grabs her purse and backpack and kisses her mom goodbye. By this time her dad is already at the office and like clockwork as she is walking out of the door, she receives a text from him telling her to have a great day at school and he loves her. Marie is anxious about seeing Chris and would rather ditch and go hideout at the Birmingham Public Library, but she is determined to carry on her life as normally as possible. She is going to walk into school confident and unashamed of what has happened.

When she arrives at school, waiting for her at the side entrance next to the student parking lot is her best friend Cyndi.

"Marie, are you okay? I called you like ten times."

"I'm fine."

"Well Katie told Andrew who told Christy who told me that Denver saw you and Chris fighting at Starbucks."

The only negative consequence of being active in school is everyone talking about you and presuming to know intimate details of your life.

"Yeah, we had a fight."

"But everything is okay right?"

"No...well yes. I broke up with him."

Cyndi stops walking. "You broke up with him?"

"Yep...last night in front of my house."

Marie thought saying it out loud would sadden her, but instead it allowed her to breathe. She still cares about him, but at least she saw the truth of who he is now instead of wasting anymore time with him.

"Why did you break up with him?"

"It's a long story. I'll tell you later. Let's just say he was an ass."

"Wow, I cannot believe this. I'm even more surprised that you not only showed up to school today but you don't look depressed."

"I'm not. I promise I'm fine. I'll get over him. Listen, I have to head to class. I'll tell you everything later. Let's go do something tonight; girls' night out."

Cyndi nods her head as Marie walks away. Perhaps she didn't love him like she thought she did. She should be more upset, but she is relieved; her decision will be her decision alone.

After every period, Marie hears the whispers of students. She can only assume they are talking about her breakup with Chris.

"Marie, is it true about what happened between you and Chris?" Jessica asks.

"Yes."

"Well, I'm telling you he looks a mess. You can definitely tell he didn't sleep last night. "

"Good. He shouldn't be able to sleep considering how he treated me."

"And how exactly was that?"

"I'll tell you tonight. Cyndi and I are organizing a girls' night out. You should come and tell Alaina when you see her in Choir."

Jessica is right about Chris. Marie doesn't see him until 5th period, and he looks tired, sad, and upset. She sits down in her usual desk, right in front of him.

"Marie, can we please talk after school today?" he leans up to ask.

"I don't think so Chris," turning her head slightly.

"I feel so bad about yesterday. I don't want to lose you honey."

"I'm not your honey and you should have thought of that before you acted like a jerk."

"Come on, don't you have a little compassion for me?"

"Like what you had for me?"

"Marie please."

"Just think Chris, I'm doing you a favor. Now you won't have to worry what happens to me or your child. Isn't that what you wanted?"

Before Chris can respond, the bell rings and their Honors English teacher Mr. Jacobs walks in. Every passing moment of class brings Marie more comfort, especially considering Chris's presentation is today and he is completely unprepared. Marie knows it is not good to feel satisfaction at the expense of someone else, but in this case, she feels justified.

By the end of the day, rumors have circled the school about why Marie broke up with Chris; they range from she caught him cheating to she fell in love with someone else. There was even one crazy one about her parents forcing her to go to a boarding school in England so she had to breakup with him. Anyone familiar with the rules of high school gossip knows that the truth will not make an impact and won't stop the rumors in the beginning, so it is best to let the dust settle and then tell the truth.

Instead of taking a trip to Starbucks after school, Marie drives to see Sister Gerard. From their first meeting, Marie knew she would be important in her life. Until she has the courage to tell her parents, Sister is fulfilling the role as mother. She wants to tell Sister about Chris and ask her advice about telling her friends. For Marie, there is a dilemma. If she tells them, she knows that by Monday all the students in the school will know. On the other hand, confiding in them may provide relief, however temporary; they may become an essential support system.

Marie parks on the street in front of the office and goes in to find Sister Gerard standing at one of the front desks talking to Sister Robert.

"Excuse me, hi Sister," Marie says walking over and placing her hand on Sister's shoulder.

"Marie," Sister says joyfully, giving Marie a long embrace. "What brings you here?"

"I wanted to talk to you about what happened yesterday."

"Well come on back."

They walk arm in arm back to Sister's office. The sunlight was coming directly through her window so Sister adjusts the curtains so Marie isn't blinded.

"I was so worried about you Marie. I was going to call, and spent the whole evening feeling like I should have, but I thought when you needed me you would call or come see me. So what happened?"

Marie proceeds to tell her every detail of the evening's events, including falling asleep in her car for an hour.

"Today must have been difficult in school."

"Well...not really. Something happened when I saw him today. All of a sudden I felt sorry for him and I felt empowered. I now have control of my life without anyone's influence."

"I hate to disagree but you will have to tell your parents and they will definitely have an opinion of what you should do."

"I know. I know, but they love me. They aren't going to threaten to disown me or throw me out if I don't do what they say."

"Well..."

"What? They wouldn't do that would they?"

"Dear, I have seen it happen. However, these were very different situations. Based on your family dynamic, I would say no. But be prepared because they will exercise their parental rights and influence."

"I will Sister. I actually came to ask you a couple of questions."

"Shoot."

"Well my friends and I are going out for a girls' night out and I'm wondering if I should tell them about my pregnancy."

"Are they trustworthy and discreet friends?"

"See Sister, that's the thing. I don't want it to be a secret. I have two options. I can keep my mouth shut and everyone just find out when they see me getting fat; or I can tell my friends and let the usual process take place. If I tell them tonight, everyone in the school will know by Monday."

"So you basically want to go ahead and get it over with, but not have to announce it to the whole school."

"Exactly. I want to go ahead and get the stares, snickers, and whispers while I feel like I'm stable enough to deal with it in a healthy way; a couple of months from now my hormones may be so crazy I may become emotionally overwhelmed."

Marie you sound like you already have your mind made up. My suggestion is to only do what is best for you. Would you like me to tell Sister Luke so she can tell the faculty? She will ask their discretion.,"

"Thank you Sister. I would really appreciate that."

"Marie, I am very proud of you. You are handling this better than some adults I've met through the years. You are going to be an amazing woman one day."

Marie smiles at Sister. She does not hesitate to put her trust is her; perhaps it is because she is a nun. No matter the reason, Marie feels secure knowing Sister is her guide. Marie gets up and begins to walk out of the office.

"Marie, what was the other thing?"

"Oh, I was going to ask you to join me when I tell my parents."

"I'll be happy to come with you."

"No, no. I think I need to do this without you. I can't depend on you forever."

"Yes you can," Sister Gerard thinks to herself, wanting every possible moment to solidify her bond with Marie.

"I am going to tell my Uncle; we are very close. Then I'm going to ask him to be there when I tell them."

"Sounds like you've got everything worked out."

"Not everything, but thanks to you Sister, I'm beginning to feel things coming together."

Marie walks over to Sister and bends down to hug her neck. "Thank you Sister," she says, walking to the threshold. "You know Sister, I think I really know now why the Church calls you Sisters.; you become like one to every person you help. I've never had one until I met you."

Marie smiles, waves goodbye, and leaves. Sister Gerard waves, holding back the tears that wanted to flow since Marie's hug around her neck. Once she is out of sight, Sister hurriedly closes her door and let's go. She hasn't cried out of joy in a while. She has been counseling women for 14 years, but not until today, did she feel fulfilled.

There are so many people waiting to be seated at The Pancake House, groups of people are waiting outside the door. Sister walks up to the hostess and tells her it is a party of two and waits out front. Five minutes later, Sister feels a tap on her shoulder and turns around.

"Clarissa, oh my gosh."

It has been almost a year since Sister has seen her. After college, Clarissa married Justin and moved to Florida to be with him. Sister didn't believe it would last, but 12 years later, they are happy with three children.

"Allyson....I mean Sister....you look great."

"No, call me Allyson. I'm still Allyson."

They sit down in an available bench along the sidewalk.

"So, tell me what is going on with you?" Sister Gerard asks.

"Same old same old; raising children and taking care of my husband. I never imagined my life would be like this and I'm still surprised that I chose to be a stay at home mom."

"As opposed to a rock star?"

Both women laugh. Even to this day, Sister is amazed at Clarissa's transformation. She went from a rock chick to a sophisticated mom who wears simple ballet flats instead of black boots, dark washed boot cut jeans instead of high-waisted white washed ones, simple white button ups instead of bright pink t-shirts, and chocolate brown blazers instead of frayed denim jackets. But when she looks into her eyes, she sees the same woman she met in college.

As the women reminisce, the hostess calls Sister Gerard's name and they go sit at a table in front of a floor to ceiling window with a clear view of the busy Saturday morning street of Five Points South. As they look over their menus, Sister considers asking Clarissa for advice concerning Marie.

"Clarissa, I need your advice."

"Wow, you are coming to me for advice?"

Before she can begin, the waitress comes over and introduces herself. "I'm Cassandra" she says to them, and they place their order, both having water and coffee, Sister having the Apple Pancake and Clarissa having apple crepes.

"Go ahead," Clarissa says to Sister Gerard, handing their menus to Cassandra.

"I have a client, Marie. She's a bright, intelligent, beautiful young lady who came into my office 6 weeks ago pregnant and very scared."

"You weren't able to help her?

"No...just the opposite. We have become very close. We talk every day, whether it be by email, phone calls, or texting."

"Wait," Clarissa says in disbelief, "you text?"

Sister laughs, "well not until I started talking to her."

"So what's the problem?"

"Usually, with non-residential clients, I talk to them maybe once a week, usually for only about fifteen minutes just to check on them. Marie and I are developing a relationship."

"But Ally, girls in her situation need that. They need someone they can trust and someone they can confide in."

"That is true, but we have to maintain a certain distance and not get too attached. Getting too involved can cause problems."

"What kind of problems can occur when you show these girls you truly want to be there for them and you aren't going to abandon them in the future," Clarissa asks as she takes a sip of her coffee.

"Nothing...I guess...but honestly Clarissa, we can't be a constant in their lives. We just don't have enough resources to be there for them forever. We help them and teach them that no matter the situation, they can handle it on their own."

"Well obviously Allyson, this girl Marie needs you and I think it's okay if you have something real instead of fleeting with her. Think of her as your niece, not your client."

"Isn't that unfair to the other girls?"

"She came to you right? She is initiating the calls and texts. She is emailing you and I assume visiting you on a regular basis?"

"Yes, but..."

"Then it has been her choice and you haven't forced anything with her. And I know you Ally; you would be there the same way for any other girl if she needed."

Sister nods her head as the waitress places their food in front of them.

"I guess you are right."

"I know I am," Clarissa responds, both of them beginning to eat their food. The table is quiet for five minutes, each one savoring their delicious breakfast. Sister Gerard believes it is the best place to get breakfast in the city. It is a small place with bright yellow walls and a homely feel. This restaurant celebrates the city with it's paintings of Birmingham skylines and views of downtown. Despite the open kitchen, the only major sound is of the multiple conversations going on in every corner of the room. And even the addition of Wifi and a big screen television cannot take away the old school feeling people get when they walk inside.

"I don't see how you do it Ally."

"What do you mean?"

"Every day, you see girls who are a constant reminder of what happened to you. I wouldn't be able to do it."

"Well I just use my experience to guide them."

"It must be give them a lot of confidence to see that you went through the same thing and were able to not only get through your situation, but become a very successful woman. You show them there is a light at the end of the tunnel."

"Yes...exactly," Sister Gerard says, unable to admit that she doesn't tell her clients about what happened to her out of the lingering shame. The ladies then turn their focus back to their breakfast taking big breaths between each bite, both of them quickly getting full.

"How is Justin?" Sister Gerard asks, breaking the sound of chewing food.

"He is great. He's decided he wants to try to open up his own business. He isn't sure what he wants to do yet, but he's going to continue doing marketing for his dad's company until he figures it out."

Sister Gerard and Clarissa continue their conversation, switching from the topics of children, to politics, to art and back to children again; Clarissa definitely has mommy brain. After finishing their breakfast, they decide to take a walk around Southside. They go into local shops, looking at all of the merchandise Sister Gerard cannot reasonably spend her money on.

"What if I get it for you?" Clarissa says, pointing at a dress Sister says she loves.

"No, please. I couldn't let you do that."

"Would it be wrong for you to take it because of your vows?"

"No....not really..."

"Then I'm getting it for you. And arguing with me will get you nowhere."

Smiling at each other, Clarissa picks out a size 8 and makes the purchase.

"Thank you Clarissa."

"You are welcome."

As the ladies walk out of the store, Sister Gerard looks at her watch and notices it is 11am.

"I'm sorry Clarissa, I have to go. We have a group of interested girls coming in today. I'm supposed to have lunch with them in two hours. I don't know how I'm going to eat anything."

"You sound like a busy woman."

"Too busy I feel."

"You can do it. You always had a problem acknowledging your own strength."

"Yeah...I guess. Would you like me to walk with you to your car?"

"No, I'll be fine Allyson. It was really good to see you. Please lets not wait another year before we do this again."

Sister Gerard and Clarissa hug each other and begin to walk opposite ways down the street to their respective cars.

"Hey Clarissa," Allyson yells and walks down the sidewalk to her. "I have a serious question. After my pregnancy, did you think of me differently?"

"Actually, yes I did."

Sister Gerard's heart drops.

"After that, I thought of you as a much stronger, braver, and more courageous woman than I ever thought you could be."

Sister Gerard hugs her friend again, and waves goodbye. "Give me a call Allyson. I'll be at my parents the whole weekend. You can come see the kids."

The building is quiet when Sister Gerard arrives back to the office. Although it is an abnormally busy Saturday, downstairs you can hear a dust hit the floor; there isn't even the sound of Sister Luke's persuasions or Sister Robert educating the new students. She turns on her computer to check her email and work on the new building proposal, but is too preoccupied. She grabs her purse and takes out her cell phone.

"Hi ma," Sister Gerard says with excitement. With all of her obligations, she has not talked to her mother in two weeks.

"Hi Ally. It's so good to hear from you."

"I'm sorry I haven't called lately. Work has been insane."

Sister Gerard spends the next ten minutes telling her mother Cynthia about the new facility, her new position, and the new students.

"How is dad?"

"He is doing okay. He is still in pain but we are trying to manage it."

"Mom, you should really get a nurse to take care of him so you can at least spend some time taking care of yourself."

"Darling, he is my husband and I love him. I should be the one to take care of him."

Sister Gerard knows not to spend too much time arguing with her mother. Ever since her father was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, she has spent hours trying to convince her mother to get help without success. She has a difficult time seeing her father like that; she only visits about once a month. This topic starts arguments; not because her mother is upset she doesn't visit more, but it is a chore for Cynthia to relieve Sister's guilt. She feels she should put her own feelings aside for the sake of her mother, but her mom understands; she is grateful that she comes to see them, no matter the frequency.

"Mom, can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Were you ever ashamed of me?"

"Why would I be ashamed of you?"

"Well I did have a baby out of wedlock."

"Allyson, I was never ashamed of you. I was disappointed, but never ashamed. You were my daughter, my only daughter, my only child for that matter."

Sister Gerard holds the phone tighter against her ear, soothed by her mother's words. She can feel her mother's arms around her.

"But I mean, it had to change what you thought of me."

"Honey, my heart broke for you, especially when you told me everything that happened. I wanted to take the pain and hurt away. I knew that you would be hard enough on yourself. I did not want to add to that. I am your mom; I am there to relieve your stress, not deepen it."

Cynthia can hear her daughter crying. Even at the age of 37, Allyson is still her baby.

"Are you okay dear?" Cynthia asks.

"I'm fine mom. "

"Now listen. You are my angel and you always have been. I never expected you to be perfect, and always remember something was done to you. You didn't have a choice. You need to let it go dear. With every day you carry around this shame, this baggage, it gets heavier and heavier and it weighs down your soul. Let it go Allyson, let it go. You did nothing wrong."

"Thanks mom," Sister says feeling an overwhelming, but possibly temporary, reprieve.

"You're welcome. Now stop crying; you know I can't stand to hear that."

Sister Gerard looks down at the pile of tissues already on her desk. Amid her sniffles, she tells her mom about the rest of her day and makes plans to come visit next week.

"Honey, it's time for your dad and I to have lunch. If you need to talk, you just call me. I don't care if it is three in the morning."

"I will mom. I love you."

"I love you too."

After hanging up the phone, Sister begins to the think about the "what if's" that occasionally enter her mind, especially after conversations with her mom. She never regrets her life decision, but she often wonders what it would be like to have that kind of connection her mom has to her family. The kind of connection that leads to unconditional love and loyalty; the kind that motivates you to take care of an ailing husband. Once she has finished contemplating an alternate reality, she throws her phone in her top drawer. Although she is determined to get a little paperwork done before lunch, Sister Luke interrupts, informing her that lunch is ready. They both head to the patio.

The combination of the apple pancake and stress leaves Sister Gerard unable to eat, and for a few minutes she stands in the back to observe, until she sees a familiar face, Madison. Unlike their previous encounter, Madison is the new social butterfly, surrounded by engaged faces and curious minds. It is unusual for them to have someone return for a second visit so soon after their first; clearly Madison is more than just considering their order, but making it a priority to learn more.

Sister Gerard makes eye contact and waves, not wanting to interrupt her conversation; Madison smiles.

"We have ourselves a little recruiter," Sister Gerard says walking by Sister Luke who is standing at the food table piling on the chips and cheese dip. Sister Luke turns around.

"Who?" Sister Luke asks, a small drip of cheese on the edge of her lip. Sister Gerard giggles as she gives her a napkin.

"The young lady at the front table with the brown hair, Madison."

"Oh yes, she seemed very excited in class today. She said she came last month. And she couldn't stop talking about you."

"Really?" Sister Gerard replies. Without another word, she walks over to a lone chair next to the railing and looks out at the garden, enjoying the quiet chatter.

"You look like you are really thinking about something," Madison says standing next to her.

"I am," Sister says softly. "It is really good to see you here Madison."

Madison kneels down next to Sister's chair. "Why don't you pull up a chair?"

"No, I don't want to bother you."

"You aren't bothering me."

"Oh it's okay. Some of the girls and I are going to go sit in the garden for a little bit before we go over to the safehouse. I just wanted to say hi."

Madison begins to walk away as Sister's attention drifts back to the falling leaves.

"Sister, I do have one question."

"Yes? Ask me anything."

"Is it hard being a nun? I mean, you are married to God. I'd think he'd have the highest expectations of any husband."

Sister chuckles and looks into Madison's eyes.

"God just expects our best. It is hard remembering that despite our dedication to a religious life, we are essentially imperfect. "

Sister Gerard can see the confusion on Madison's face.

"Sometimes we try so hard to live perfectly, we forget to live. And when we make mistakes and sin, we punish ourselves more than God ever would. We believe a Sister is supposed to live a life above that of normal people. So basically we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect. Have you ever set an unreachable goal for yourself?"

Madison nods.

"And what happened when you never reached it?"

"I got frustrated and angry," Madison says.

"And that just interfered with your progress in whatever task you were attempting to accomplish right?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Well the same thing happens to us. We have to constantly remind ourselves that our mistakes make us human and that actually helps us be better Sisters, especially in our job here. We can relate to the women we help. It's a blessing to be like everyone else, not a hindrance."

"So my greatest challenge will be to set reasonable expectations for myself?"

"Exactly."

After they exchange goodbyes, Madison joins the girls in the garden and Sister walks back to her office after saying goodbye to Sister Luke. "I wish I would listen to my own advice," she says to herself as she takes a seat on her sofa with some information Sister Theresa gave her on the expansion. She feels like she is back in college, highlighting and underlining important passages and making notes on what to include in her proposal to the Bishop, due in two weeks. Forty-five minutes into her mind-numbing reading, there is a knock on the door.

"Allyson, I need your advice," Sister Robert says opening the door. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were busy."

"No, it's okay. Come sit down," Sister Gerard says, putting her papers down on the coffee table. "What do you need?"

"Leonard says the house has been a little rowdy today. I'm thinking maybe I should reschedule the overnight. What do you think?"

"I think you should let them come anyway. The house is more rowdy during the day than not, and we can't shelter them from the truth of what happens around here. They need to know. Stop worrying so much about losing them okay? You won't."

Sister Robert takes a big sigh.

"You're right. You're right. I just want everything to be perfect."

"No such thing; Murphy's Law."

Sister Robert's face is suddenly overcome with worry.

"Gracie, don't look like that. I'll be there with you."

"I know; I'm just so nervous. This is my first class."

"And from what I can tell, you are doing beautifully."

Holding her hand, Sister Gerard leans over to give her a hug. She wishes Sister Robert had been listening to her conversation with Madison. Sister Robert gets up to leave, saying thank you and asking her if she wouldn't mind helping setup the sleeping area. She agrees and continues reading the documents that are boring her to tears while Sister Robert goes back to her class, whom she let have a snack break in the kitchen with Sister Patrick.

One more hour of reading leads to an hour and half nap. Sister Gerard wakes up with papers in her lap, a highlighter still in her hand, and her head leaning over on the side of the couch. She stands up and stretches, and walks to her desk to check the time. It is now four in the afternoon, and she has one hour to prepare for what they like to call a sleepover. This year Sister Robert has tried to make it as much as a sleepover as possible, with movies, popcorn, and games carefully selected by her niece in high school. Sister Gerard reaches into her bottom drawer to check her cell phone for messages.

She has two voicemails. The first from her mom checking on her. The second from Clarissa, inviting her to dinner the next evening at her parents' house, an invitation she decides to accept. And she has two text messages, one from one of her clients dealing with an abusive boyfriend, telling her she has broken up with him. The second is from Marie; "I'm telling my parents tonight. Wish me luck." After a quick prayer, and a response that seemed to take five minutes to type, Sister Gerard grabs her duffle bag and walks over to the residence.

***

Marie sits in her room, cell phone by her side, waiting for a call from her Uncle. Marie is relieved to have a family member by her side, especially one who has been through the same thing. Her Uncle, who is now a successful professor, provides her comfort that there is something beyond this situation; he told of his own experience with teenage pregnancy, reminding her that this does not have to ruin her life.

When the phone rings, she grabs her phone to see "Uncle B" on the caller ID. He tells her he is outside and she goes out to meet him. After a hug, both begin to walk in the house, Marie listening to her Uncle's encouraging and supportive words meant to ease her anxiety. Although it has been two weeks since her conversation and ultimate breakup with Chris, his reaction is still in the back of her mind. She tries to think of Sister Gerard reminding her of her parents' unconditional love; "they may be upset, but after time, they will give you the support you need."

It's like her parents are preparing for a family discussion because when she walks in the house, the whole family, including her brother, is in the family room; Josh playing Wii, her mom reading on the shay lounge by the window, and her father sitting on the couch looking through work papers.

"Mom, dad, look who's here?" Marie says to get their attention.

Everyone gets up to greet him, hugging him and Josh jumping up into his arms.

"What are you doing here?" his sister Susan asks.

"Well you keep asking me to come over for Sunday dinners so here I am."

Everyone gathers, Marie and her Uncle sitting on one sofa and her parents sitting across from them; Josh returns to his video game. The small talk soon ensues, Josh telling them about his students and his new girlfriend Molly who he met at a conference for Professors in Arts and Humanities in Nashville last month. Marie sits and listens, waiting for her moment to join the conversation. Many opportunities present themselves, but every brief moment of silence seems to be the same moment when her stomach ties itself in knots and she loses her courage.

Sean grabs her hand and squeezes it, attempting to give her a push.

"Dinner is almost ready. I'll go ahead and set the table."

He squeezes her hand again.

"Mom, wait,"

"Yes?" Susan says sitting down on the arm of the sofa next to her husband.

"I have something really important to tell you both." Marie takes a deep breath and looks at her parents. Neither one looks worried or anxious; they've only heard good things when Marie started a conversation with those words.

"Go ahead; it's okay," Bradford says. Susan's expression begins to change, looking at him and then her daughter who's terrified expression is beginning to churn her stomach.

"I've been trying to figure out the best way to tell you this, but I realized there is no best way so I'm just going to say it." Before finishing her sentence, Marie thought about changing her approach. She could say she has been expelled and when they are all shocked and upset, tell them she's not but she's pregnant. It would be cruel, but compared to being kicked out of school, pregnancy would seem like nothing; or maybe pregnancy would be worse.

"Mom, Dad...I'm pregnant."

Marie looks at her parents, her Mom putting her chin down to her chest and shaking her head. Her dad gets up and begins to pace.

"Josh, go to your room please," David says.

"What? Why?"

"Josh, go to your room," he says with more authority. Josh runs up to his room and they hear his door slam.

"Marie, please tell me you are kidding," her David says hoping that his daughter decided to play a joke. "My daughter cannot be pregnant."

"Dad I am not kidding. I am pregnant."

Susan continues to sit in silence, seemingly have suddenly lost her voice.

"I'm guessing you knew about this," David says, his eyes piercing through his brother-in-law.

"I've known for about a week. Marie asked me to come here and be her support."

"And you didn't think to tell us immediately when you found out?!" David yells, leaning against the fireplace mantle with his head in his hands.

"It wasn't my business to tell David," he says, standing up and walking towards him.

"Please, stop," Susan finally says.

"You aren't upset?" David asks Susan.

"David it's not like he was trying to hide it from us. And she didn't go to him to confide in him instead of us; she went to him for support to tell us. Both of you just sit and calm down."

Both men sit back down, still glaring at each other. Susan gets up and goes to sit next to her daughter. She puts her hands on her face and kisses her forehead.

"How long have you known?" Susan asks, grabbing her daughter's hand, her voice soft and filled with concern.

"About seven weeks."

"Seven weeks! You waited seven weeks to tell us?" David yells.

"David, shut up. Can't you see your daughter is scared?" She focuses her attention and gaze back to her daughter. She is furious and disappointed, but is doing her best to remain composed for Marie's sake. "Have you decided what you are going to do?" Susan continues.

"No ma'am. I haven't made a decision yet."

"Well I know what you should do. You aren't keeping that baby. Better yet, you aren't having that baby."

"David! You need to get out right now!"

"No, I have a right to my opinion. She is my daughter too."

"If you can't stay here and show your daughter some compassion, get out of this house."

"Come on David," Bradford says getting up and grabbing his jacket. "We'll go outside and leave you ladies to talk." David looks at him in disgust, not wanting to move. Susan gives him a look that would scare anyone, and he gets up and follows Sean to the front porch. By this time, Marie has begun to cry.

"Marie, I have to be honest. I am very disappointed in you. This is the last thing I expected, especially from my smart sixteen year old daughter."

"The feeling is mutual."

Susan puts her arm around her daughter, placing Marie's head on her shoulder. "I'm going to need some time dear. I know you need me right now. I know you need your mother, but right now, I need time to process this."

"I understand mom. What about dad?"

"I'll talk to him. He loves you but he sees you as his innocent angel; so the idea of you not only having sex but getting pregnant is beyond comprehension. He will come around; I promise."

Marie sits up and faces her mom, hugging her neck. "Thank you mom," she whispers kissing her on the neck and then the cheek.

"You are welcome. You are my baby and I will always be by your side, no matter what."

Marie smiles and rising off of the sofa, grabs her jacket and goes outside to talk to her dad and thank Sean.

"Honey, two quick questions."

"Yes ma'am?"

"Is Chris the father?"

"Yes ma'am he is, but he doesn't want anything to do with this."

"I'm not surprised," Susan says.

"Really? Why do you say that?"

"Chris is incredibly ambitious and a man like that does not want anything interrupting or changing his plans." Susan gets up and walks toward her daughter and looks her in the eyes.

"Honey, why didn't you use a condom?"

"We did. It broke."

Susan nods. "Well don't worry; we will handle this. I'm sorry about Chris though. I know you love him."

"Thanks mom," Marie says hugging her again, "but it's okay. I don't need him. That's why I broke up with him."

"You broke up with him?"

"Yes ma'am," Marie says with a smile. "I get a text or call every day from him asking me to come back to him but my answer is always no. You should see him at school. He looks like a little lost puppy."

Both of them giggle. "I guess I have a much stronger daughter than I thought."

"I guess you do," Marie says as she walks outside to see her dad.

Bradford and David are standing in the corner talking when she walks outside. When her dad sees her, he does not say anything.

"Daddy, I'm sorry," she says walking up to him.

"I know," he responds backing away from her and walking away. Marie leans against the railing next to her Uncle watching her father walk inside and close the door behind him, without another word and without looking back.

"Just give him some time."

Marie sighs. "If I could cry some more I would," Marie says, leaning into her Uncle's chest. He put his arms around her tightly, placing his head on hers, and stands with her until she lets go.

"What did he say out here?"

"I don't think you want to know. He definitely had a few choice words concerning the situation."

"He hates me doesn't he?"

"No, he doesn't hate you. He is jolted by the reality that the daughter he thought was perfect, is pregnant at the age of sixteen. You have to understand, this didn't just disrupt your plans, but it disrupts the plans your parents have for you."

"So I have to think about them too?" Marie says walking away in frustration.

"Well yes. They are your parents and have devoted their lives to raising you and giving you everything you need and deserve."

"Yeah...yeah. Their perfect daughter messed up."

Marie goes to sit on the stairs and he follows.

"They never expected you to be perfect."

"Maybe not. But that's not how it feels, especially when my father treats me like dirt."

"And you expected him to be happy to be a grandparent to his sixteen year old daughter's child?"

"No, but..."

"He reacted the best way he could. He is only human. Sounds like you expect perfect parents?"

Marie knows he has a point. She cannot complain of the pressure she feels to be perfect and then get upset when her parents don't react perfectly to not so exciting or expected news. They continue their conversation, Bradford telling Marie about his attempts to persuade David to get past his anger.

Was he angry I told you first?"

"Angry is an understatement. It was like someone poisoning him and then stabbing him in the heart. H e is hurt by your pregnancy but also by the fact that you didn't tell him first; he thought as your parents, they should have been the first to know."

"I get it but I wasn't ready."

"I know that and eventually he will understand. Just give your dad a little slack. Give him the same compassion you expect of him."

Marie's mind is flooded with the images of her parents' faces. She wishes she could forget the sound of her father's voice when he told her she better not have the baby. She hopes that when she walks in her house, her father can make eye contact and her mom can speak without worry dominating her tone, but she knows 20 minutes will not alleviate the hurt of their recent discovery.

"Well, I think I'm going to head home," Bradford says standing up. "Call me if you need anything."

"Actually, I do need something. Will you come to the gynecologist's office with me Thursday? I don't think either one of my parents is ready to join me at my doctor's appointments just yet."

"Of course; just let me know what time."

"It's at 4:00 at the house of St. Agnes."

"The house of St. Agnes?"

"One of the Sisters there has been really helping me and they have a resident facility for girls and women in trouble. They have a gynecologist on staff and I've been seeing her because I couldn't face my own doctor."

"It's good to know you haven't had to spend these weeks going through this alone."

"Sister Mary Gerard has been an amazing support," she says standing up and walking to the front door. "I'll text you the address and you can just meet me there at 3:45pm. You can meet her before my appointment."

"Sounds good; I'll see you Thursday."

"Thank you."

"You are very welcome."

Marie walks back into her house and straight to her room where she immediately lays down on her bed. Staring at her lavender walls, she tries to plan her next step. Unfortunately, the last 45 minutes replays over and over in her mind. She expected she would be saddened by each passing thought of the afternoon, but instead each shred of anxiety begins slowly disappearing. Thinking about all of the possible endings to this day she imagined, comparatively the day went well.

She sits on the bed, looking out of the window at the beautiful pinks and oranges of the sunset. Across from her bed is her award shelf, full of ribbons and certificates marking each and every academic achievement of her life. She glances across the shelf, admiring all of her accomplishments, wondering if she can add mother to those things. Determined to distract her mind from the day's events, she walks over to her small TV stand, pictures of family and friends on the wall. "My life is going to change so much if I keep this baby," Marie thinks to herself as she looks at a picture of a group of her friends at Six Flags the previous summer.

She begins to think about all of the things she may have to miss if she chooses motherhood. Her life will require major adjustments. Even with the support of her family, she cannot envision the sacrifices necessary to be a good mother. She grabs her remote and turns on the TV, turning around and seeing the crucifix above her door. "I don't know if I could forgive myself for having an abortion," she thinks to herself as she sits down on her bed, her back against the headboard. After getting comfortable, she picks up her laptop to quickly check her email. Her screensaver is a picture of her and her mother at her birthday party in front of her new car. "Can I really give up a child?"

Resolute to concentrate on the present, she turns to the Nickelodeon channel to watch Spongebob Squarepants, her favorite cartoon. An underwater fantasy world can always distract her from reality. After the end of the first episode, there is a knock on the door.

"Yes?"

"It's Josh. Can I come in?"

"Sure bro," she says, putting her laptop to the side.

Josh comes and sits next to her. Unlike most sibling relationships, Josh and Marie are very close. They have their moments when they get on each other's nerves, but because of their busy parents, they have grown to greatly depend on each other..

"So what's up Josh," she asks, putting her hand on his back.

"Why were mom and dad so angry?"

"I did something I shouldn't have done."

"Oh..." Josh says twiddling his fingers, scared to inquire about her transgression. Marie sits and waits while Josh looks around the room, avoiding eye contact.

"What did you do?" he finally asks after she gives him a comforting rub on his back.

"Well...I am a mommy. I have a baby in my stomach."

"Really? There's going to be a new baby in the house?"

"Maybe?"

"So why are mom and dad upset about that?"

"Well they didn't want me to be a mom so young. They think it's going to get in the way of my future."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know Josh, I don't know," she says as they sit on the bed and watch Spongebob together.

# Chapter 6

When Allyson stood in the kitchen with her mother rubbing salt on the turkey, she felt an urge to tell her then. Her father had retreated to his office and she knew it would be easier to tell her mother first, but she couldn't after her mom spent the last five minutes praising Allyson for being the perfect daughter. Allyson felt the words "I'm pregnant," would break her heart, so she turned her attention back to the turkey and began stuffing it with apples, celery, and onions.

After Christmas breakfast, when they had already opened their presents and were sitting on the screened in back patio having hot chocolate, she could have told them. It was a peaceful family moment that Allyson thought she would ruin with her news. So she smiled and sipped her Godiva hot cocoa while her parents talked about the day's plans.

Three weeks of family time between Thanksgiving and Christmas, that should have been pleasant, was spent maneuvering and avoiding her parents so they wouldn't notice her many runs to the bathroom or her bonding time with the toilet every morning. Some days she would run down to the guest bathroom on the first floor so as to not risk them hearing her. For the first time, she was glad Christmas vacation was only two weeks; she didn't think she could handle anymore guilt.

Allyson spent New Year's Eve sitting on her couch watching the Dick Clark New Year's Eve bash while her parents went to a party. She had many invitations out but she didn't want to have to come up with an excuse for why she couldn't drink. Instead, she binged on Butter Pecan ice-cream, Oreo cookies, and Skittles until she could hardly breathe. When she was about to fall asleep from the combination of over-eating and exhaustion, she crawled up to her room and went to sleep.

January 1st 1992 did not feel different than December 31st 1991 for Allyson. She could not start over in 1992 because she still carried her accident of 1991 and would for the rest of her life. The usual comforts of her room were gone considering the three months after Allyson began college, her mother converted this to a guest bedroom; she was a guest in her own house. Most of her belongings had been moved to the basement, and the room looked like a replica of a country bed and breakfast. The only thing left of hers was actually the shower curtain in the bathroom that was pink with white polka dots. She never thought a shower curtain would make her feel at home when she desperately wanted to run away.

After a long hot shower, she put on some baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt and went to make breakfast. Allyson appreciated the quiet of the house; her parents always spent the night in a hotel New Year's Eve. She tried to wipe out the image of her parents having sex from her mind as quickly as it came, and fixed herself a bowl of cereal. She sat at the kitchen table picturing her parents in their usual spots, and she just said the words, "Mom, Dad, I'm pregnant." She knew the longer she waited, the more upset they would be; not only was she pregnant, but she would have waited 6 weeks at that point to tell them. But she just needed more time.

***

"Can't you tell them for me?" Allyson asked Sister Mary Joseph sitting across from her still in her baggy sweatpants and t-shirt.

"You know how they say the first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem. The first step in facing your pregnancy is telling the people you love. I can be there with you when you tell them but I can't tell them for you."

Allyson got up in frustration, pacing the room frantically, thinking of ways she could avoid telling them. "Maybe I should have gone to England anyway," she thinks to herself, a year-long study abroad being the perfect means to hide an unwanted pregnancy.

"They are going to freak."

"You don't know that Allyson."

"You don't know my parents Sister. When your father is a public figure, what I do as his daughter reflects upon him and affects his reputation. A religious Catholic man working in politics cannot have an unmarried pregnant daughter."

"But he does and he will deal with it with grace and dignity."

"Yeah...in front of reporters. At home it will be another story."

"Allyson, sit down honey."

She sat in the chair, twitching her legs nervously as Sister Joseph tried to calm her, reminding her of her father's role as parent first; politician and lawyer second.

"I know you are scared but you shouldn't wait too much longer to tell them. Why don't you bring them here one day next week?"

"I can't. I know they have heard of this place working in the parish. They will know what I'm going to tell them before they even get here."

"Well I'll be happy to come to your home."

"Can't I just write them a note or something? Yes...write a note right before I go back to school. Then I won't have to see the immediate reaction."

Sister Joseph got out of her seat and went to sit in the chair next to Allyson. When she placed a hand on her arm, she could feel her shaking.

"Allyson, everything will be fine. Until things settle down and they've had time to accept the situation, I'll be here. Now calm down honey; you are shaking."

After a few deep breaths, Allyson relaxed. A change in subject seemed the best solution to her anxiety so Sister asked her about school and the classes she was taking the next semester. Allyson was pleased that Brad was not in any of her classes, and her strategy to avoid him as much as possible could be executed with ease. The conversation slowly transitioned to Allyson's plans after she graduated. Sister Joseph knew she wanted to be a nun, but since this ordeal began, she had not given much thought to what order she wanted to belong to or if she wanted to be a laywoman or conventional nun.

Allyson asked Sister about her daily life. She assumed her Catholic upbringing would have provided enough knowledge to make the right decision, but listening to Sister Joseph go through her daily routine, she realized there was more to being a Sister or nun than taking vows.

"Sister, what's the biggest difference between being a nun or a laywoman?"

"Well Allyson as you probably already know, Nun's live in convents. They don't have much interaction with the outside world, and most of their service to God is through prayer. Convents are usually self-sustainable, meaning the nuns grow their own food and make their own clothes. Some convents are extremely secluded; you have probably seen nuns at Sunday Mass, but some do not leave the convent for any reason and Priests often come there to perform daily Mass."

"So they are completely ostracized from society?"

"Ostracized isn't the right word because it is their choice to live such lives, and it takes a special woman to choose that life."

"So laywomen live on their own, have jobs and social lives, but just in a Holy way."

"Exactly; it is fortunate for us here that our service to the community and our jobs overlap."

Allyson listened to Sister Joseph continue describing her daily routine. She got up at six every morning. After prayer and meditation on a scripture passage, she took a shower, ate breakfast, filled her coffee mug, and came to work. After work, she could go have dinner with friends or family, go to a movie, or go home and relax with her roommates. She would watch a little television, read, do an evening meditation and prayer, plan her next workday, and then go to bed. Allyson was surprised to hear how normal her day seemed; it was nothing like what she saw in the media or assumed from her experience.

"What made you decide to be a laywoman and not a nun?"

"Well, I thought I could do more for the community in direct service to them. After speaking to my Priest and talking to different orders, I chose this one. When I visited, I fell in love with the women and the mission. I just knew God wanted me here."

"How old is this order?"

"It has been established for about ten years now. When I started here, the order had only been here for three; it was a baby. I felt my skills could nurture the new order into a healthy stable organization. Five years later, here we are, and still growing."

She had never seen such happiness and joy. Sister Joseph glowed talking about her journey to the present, and her plans for the future. She wanted to feel that same fulfillment. Sister told Allyson that she had to listen to God and decide which life better suited the method in which she wanted to dedicate her life to God and the Church.

"Sister, do you think I would do well here?"

"Well Allyson, this would be your home. When you walk through those doors, do you feel the same warmth, security, and love that you feel when you walk into your own home?"

Allyson definitely felt safe here, emotionally safe. Here she was free from judgment and ridicule. Here she could be herself. Here a practical stranger welcomed her into her heart and treated her like family.

"I do feel those things."

"Then the Sisters of Saint Maria Goretti might be the right choice. I want you to really think about it. Make sure that you want to be in an order, not a convent, and make sure this is the one. We will be your family forever; you have to get along with family."

"Maybe my pregnancy led me here; maybe this was part of God's plan."

Sister Joseph reached into her desk and gave Allyson a small booklet on the order. The small book talked about the order's mission, the vows they take, and the different responsibilities they have. It also listed the different positions available within and outside the organization. Allyson began to browse through the information, looking at pictures of the ladies on retreats, mission trips, and with some of the clients.

"Now Allyson, don't think the life of a Sister is easier."

"It looks easier."

"Looks can be deceiving. It is much more difficult to serve God fully and with a whole heart with normal daily temptations. Nuns are sheltered from many of the enticements of a normal life. We have to work harder to live the closest life to God as possible."

Allyson closed the book and began to study the pictures on Sister Joseph's desk more closely. She noticed in one that she was standing arm in arm with a woman, smiling from ear to ear.

"Is that your sister?" Allyson asked, pointing to the picture in a silver frame.

"No, that's my best friend Susanna. We took this last year on a weekend trip to the beach. It was a lot of fun."

"Wait...so I can still see my friends?"

"Yes you can. They are your support, and especially in the beginning of the process, support is important. You will need them."

Allyson's mood softened and she began to think about her family. Allyson continued to ask Sister Joseph questions. Sister Joseph was honest with her, telling her about her own doubts and questions. She didn't expect to hear of Sister Joseph packing her things and almost leaving; or about the nights Sister Joseph spent crying, lonely and missing the life she had.

"I forced myself to stay because I didn't know what else I wanted to do."

"So what ultimately made you stay?"

"A girl like you," Sister Joseph said as she smiled.

Sister Joseph told her about a young girl named Jackie who came in, her face bruised and her lip bleeding.

"My mentor Sister Mary Ruth, had to leave her desk for a moment so I was sitting there by myself. Then Jackie walked in. I could see she was crying, and I wanted to help, but I wasn't completely trained. I tried to pretend I didn't see her, but we made eye contact as she was looking around. Before I knew it, she had walked to the desk and sat in front of me."

"What did you do?"

"The best I could. Sister Ruth had not come back yet, and I believe she saw what happened and decided to stay back to see what I would do."

"Were you able to help her?"

"I didn't think I was but before she walked out, she gave me the tightest hug I ever had and thanked me for changing her life. I don't know what I said, and still don't to this day, but I had never felt so rewarded."

Sister Joseph told her that Jackie came back every day for a week, one day with a suitcase and her young son. That was the moment Sister Joseph knew that this was where she belonged. Even though she had not talked to Jackie alone since that first day, she knew the impact of that first conversation. Sister Joseph was even more impressed that it took only one week to convince Jackie to leave her home.

"Seven days changed someone's life Allyson. I had to remain a part of an organization that accomplished that kind of positive influence in a mere week."

"Do you ever stay in contact with the women you help?"

"Yes, sometimes. We try not to be too involved as to not be a crutch. We want them to let go of us so they know they can walk on their own."

Allyson thought about her own experience. Perhaps she could be the kind of mother to a young woman like Sister Joseph has been to her. The best advice comes from experience, and it would be a waste to not use her current situation to help others. What better way to thank the Sisters of St. Maria Goretti than to become a part of their order and continue their mission.

After twenty more minutes of in depth discussion of religious life, Allyson asked Sister Joseph what she would need to do to become a part of their organization. Sister Joseph was excited to hear such enthusiastic interest, but knew the dangers of rushing into such a decision. She tried to convince Allyson to seek other options and to get detailed information, but Allyson was stubborn and knew this was where she belonged.

"Allyson I strongly suggest you reach out to other orders."

"Didn't you just know you were supposed to be here? I just know."

Sister Joseph knew that no amount of persuasion would change Allyson's mind so she set up a meeting with the Mother Superior to discuss details of the process. Allyson was excited about the prospects of being a part of Maria Goretti. It gave her something to look forward to besides having a baby. It also allowed her a way to turn this horrible situation into something beautiful and inspirational.

After asking Sister Joseph if she would assist her in informing her parents of her current predicament the following weekend, Allyson left for home with a positive outlook. It lessened her uneasiness to know that Sister Joseph was going to come to her house next Sunday for breakfast and hold her hand while she practically destroyed her parents. Despite the impending heart-break, Allyson felt good driving back to her house. Knowing that she wouldn't have to go through this alone, she was suddenly anxious to get it over with.

Allyson had been back to school for three weeks, and she had successfully avoided Brad. It had been easier than she thought, especially considering that he spent most of his time in the Business building. Her happy streak was about to run out because they were going to see Sister Joseph to talk about beginning the adoption process. Until this morning when Allyson's mind began to drift due to boredom in her economics class, she had never thought about the type of family she would want to adopt her child. Did she want parents who already had children? Did she want couples who tried to have children but failed and this was the best option? Would a single mother be okay?

Allyson wanted to go see Sister Joseph alone, but Brad convinced her that his input would be valuable; for Allyson, his sperm was involvement enough. After economics class, Allyson walked back to her room to watch a little television while waiting for three o'clock to arrive. She browsed through a Vogue magazine Clarissa had left on the coffee table in the common room, channel surfed with no luck, tried to start reading Things Fall Apart for her literature class, and even attempted a nap; nothing could retain her focus long enough to provide an adequate diversion.

Looking at the clock every five minutes also didn't help; "a watched pot never boils" she thought to herself. By the time she had found something entertaining to watch, it was three o'clock. Allyson grabbed her sweater and purse, and hurried downstairs. Brad was waiting in the car parked right in front.

Allyson struggled for conversation during the ride, and Brad looked like he had plenty of questions but withheld them. Halfway to their destination, Brad finally got the courage to ask if she had told her parents yet.

"No, I haven't. Have you told yours?"

"Yes...well kind of. I told them I got a girl pregnant but I haven't told them who yet. I'm aware that our parents run in the same circles."

"I appreciate that."

Allyson stared straight forward, as Brad waited for more information, or at least some indication of when she would tell them.

"So when are you going to tell them?"

"Soon...I promise. I'm just really nervous. It's not exactly something my parents are looking forward to hearing."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, that's not necessary."

"Well maybe if you had some support it would be easier to tell them."

Brad pulled into the parking lot next to the building. Before Allyson could get out of the car, he stopped her.

"Allyson, I know you practically hate me, and that's fine. I deserve it, but I'm trying to make up for it by being good to you and supporting you in every way I can. I wish you would let me."

Allyson rolled her eyes and opened the car door.

"Fine, don't listen. But you can't do this alone."

"I'm not alone. I have Sister Joseph. She has been like a mother to me. I asked her to come with me to tell my parents."

Brad got out of the car and slammed the door. He didn't know what else to say to her. They walked into the office building in silence, Sister Joseph sitting in the front waiting for them. They followed her back to her cubicle and sat in front of her desk that was covered in folders. They didn't look at each other while Sister ruffled through some papers and organized paperwork.

"Is everything okay?" she said as she looked up at them, noticing the disgusted looks on both of their faces.

"We're fine," Allyson responded immediately.

Sister Joseph was skeptical of her answer and raised an eyebrow as she glanced at her and then Brad.

"Lover's quarrel?" Sister asked.

"You have to be lovers for that," Brad said mockingly.

Sister did not further inquire about their reasons for being upset; clearly, they did not want to talk about it.

"Okay, so I have some paperwork here for you to fill out to begin the adoption process. Now, there are many families out there looking to adopt a child, and it is one-hundred percent your choice which family you pick. Based on some things I know about the both of you, I have compiled a list of fifty families that I think you may like."

Allyson grabbed a huge binder from Sister Joseph and began flipping through the pages. On each page were a picture and a paragraph about the family. It also listed details like their income, where they lived, and what kind of parent(s) they believed they would be or currently are.

"We have to go through all of these?"

"Yes we do. That was such a stupid question," Allyson responded.

"Stop talking to me like that."

"I'll talk to you any way I want you jerk."

Before the argument could escalate, Sister Joseph intervened.

"Guys, calm down. This is neither the time nor place for this. Whatever your argument was about, we can either talk about it and get it out in the open or you need to be adults and put it aside for now. This is extremely important and you need to stop acting childish."

Allyson and Brad quieted their bickering.

"I'm sorry Sister; go on," Allyson said after giving Brad a dirty look.

Sister Joseph told them that although she would be there for them throughout the entire process, it was important for them to actually meet with an adoption counselor within the agency they work closely with.

"When do you find out the gender of the baby?' Sister Joseph asked.

"In about two months I'll be able to know the sex of the baby. Is that important?"

"Well some of the families may prefer a girl or boy, and knowing the gender may help you eliminate some of the families I have chosen."

By that time, Brad was browsing through the book, noticeably overwhelmed by looking through all of the information. Like Allyson, he had not thought about the kind of family he wanted taking care of the baby.

"Before we go too far into this, I need to know what kind of adoption you want."

"What do you mean?" Allyson asked.

"You can have an open adoption, a semi-open adoption, or a closed adoption. An open adoption allows communication between the biological and adoptive parents throughout the child's life, and some adoptive parents actually allow the biological parents to have a relationship with the child. A semi-open adoption does not allow the two sets of parents to really know each other. There can be communication between the two, but it has to be facilitated by the agency. A closed adoption allows both sets of parents to remain strangers; they never meet. And after the child is given up for adoption, you are not allowed to communicate with the child unless he or she seeks you out, and with a closed adoption, that is almost impossible."

"So with an open adoption I will be able to know about my child's welfare?" Allyson asked.

"Yes you will. You can receive letters from the family, pictures, and you can even visit."

Allyson looked at Brad. "What do you want?"

Brad was surprised to hear her ask his opinion and therefore wasn't prepared to give an answer. The more than fifty pages of family information combined with everything Sister Joseph just told them and the prospect of having to choose a family had left him speechless.

"I need some air," Brad said as he threw the binder on the desk and walked outside. Allyson turned and watched him walk away, disappointed that he couldn't hold himself together for a moment. He said he wanted to be there for her, and there he was, running out of the room when she needed his help.

"It can be too much even for the fathers. Give him a break dear."

Allyson looked at Sister Joseph astonished; it was like she could hear her thoughts. While Brad was outside, Allyson decided on an open adoption. She didn't want to visit the child, but letters every few months would be nice, just so she can be sure that her son or daughter is in a safe secure loving home.

"As we continue the process, you can basically write out the details of the arrangement and both you and the adoptive parents will have to agree to them."

Allyson nodded her head as she made a mental note of what she wanted as the stipulations of the arrangement. She had to make the best possible arrangement for the child and for herself.

"Sister, is an open adoption okay considering I am going to be a Sister here?"

"Of course; you could even have a relationship with the child if you wanted. You are allowed to have relationships with people even as a Sister; you are not allowed to have dependent children and since you will not have legal rights to the child and will not be taking care of her, she is not your dependent."

Again, Allyson just nodded her head, trying to absorb the abundance of information. A few minutes later, Brad walked back in, appearing more composed.

"I have a great idea!" Brad said, smiling and sitting on the edge of his seat. "My sister and her husband have been unsuccessfully trying to have a baby for two years. Why don't we let them adopt our child?"

"What?" Allyson looked at him stunned.

"Why not? They are wonderful people and would give our baby a great home."

"I don't know Brad."

"Just think about it. What do you think Sister?"

"It seems like a good idea, but I worry about its affect on you."

"On me?"

"Yes Brad, I'm worried that it will be difficult having your biological daughter so close. And it may be difficult for the child to process only having her biological father so close; the child may resent you."

"Oh no. If I do decide to go this route, you cannot tell the child you are the biological father. I don't want it to know it's adopted."

"Really Allyson? Why?" Sister Joseph asked.

"I just don't want the child to know. It would just be easier for everyone."

"Allyson, you do realize the child may find out," Sister continued.

"Yes and it will be dealt with when that moment comes."

"Allyson, please just think about it," Brad interrupted. "I'd like a relationship with the child and this would be the perfect arrangement. I would respect your wishes and never reveal my identity as the biological father; as far as the child is concerned, I would just be Uncle Brad."

"When did you finally get a heart?" Allyson asked.

Brad turned red in the face, clinching his fists and doing his best to hold his tongue. He had not been great to Allyson in the past, but he was doing right by her now. He was taking responsibility for his actions and he at least had the courage to tell his parents. He was trying to support her, but she was fighting him every step of the way. Her resentment would not allow her to be open to his suggestions or even let him have a say. For the last two months, he had allowed her to belittle and insult him, but he had reached his breaking point.

"I am so tired of your shit!" he yelled in frustration. "I'm sorry for the language Sister."

Both women looked up, shocked by his sudden burst of anger; Allyson was especially taken aback considering he was usually so mild-mannered.

"I am doing the best I can Allyson. Most men would have jumped ship and swam to the nearest deserted island, but I am here. I am here supporting you, financially and emotionally. And you are just being a total bitch."

Allyson looked at Sister Joseph for an intervention, but she remained uninvolved. She was inclined to say something, but she felt Brad's anger was from Allyson's disregard of his opinions and wants. This was the perfect arena for Allyson to finally listen to him, so Sister allowed him to continue.

"Please, just give me a break. I know I hurt you. I know I betrayed you and I am sorry. I will apologize for the rest of my life if I have to. Listen to me; this isn't just about you Allyson. I'm the baby's fucking father and I deserve a say in what happens. "

"Brad, this isn't the right time for this. Can't this wait? Can't we have this discussion somewhere else?"

"No Allyson; we are having this discussion right now. I've tried having this discussion before and you just blew me off."

Allyson looked at Sister. "Can you believe this?"

Sister Joseph calmly looked at Allyson; "yes I can."

Allyson could not believe Sister was going to sit there and let him talk to her like that. "Sister, aren't you going to say something?"

"No Allyson; this is between the two of you. And I happen to agree with Brad. You need to listen to him. He is the baby's father and he is being an exceptional man and trust me, I've had to help women who were abandoned by their baby's father. You should consider yourself lucky."

Allyson thought that if Sister knew the whole truth, she would change her tune, but this was neither the time nor place to disclose that information. Allyson had to admit that she had done her best to not involve Brad in any decisions, and would have preferred it stay that way; on the other hand, she didn't think she owed him anything. She couldn't even muster up an apology for ignoring him.

"Allyson this journey would be easier if you just let it go and let me be involved. I have a voice; I wish you would listen."

Frustrated, Brad stormed out of the office. Allyson got up and followed him, waving goodbye to Sister Joseph. She should give Brad some credit for being a good man; she had to forgive him for the sake of this process, and perhaps her own peace of mind. Her anger weighed on her to the point where she was being mean and insensitive. She prided herself on forgiveness, and perhaps it was time for her to forgive Brad so they could both move forward.

On the way to Brad's car, Allyson thought about what she should say to him.

"I'm sorry Brad," she said walking up next to him leaning against the car door as he smoked a cigarette.

Brad thought about treating her like she had been treating him for the last two months. Instead he hugged her, and she returned the embrace. Allyson was surprised how much comfort she got from being in Brad's arms and leaned into him. When he let go, they smiled at each other and Allyson got in the car. The awkward silence that typically filled the car was replaced with a relaxing quiet. They had made a small step today to a functioning partnership.

"Do you think you will be able to forgive me?" Brad asked pulling in front of Allyson's dorm.

"I think so; I just need some time. And I am really sorry for how I've been treating you. You have somewhat earned a second chance and I'm going to work on giving that to you."

Allyson got out of the car and went back to her room. Clarissa was sitting in the common area watching television.

"How was your day Ally?"

"Rough."

"Want to talk about it?"

Allyson sat down next to Clarissa and told her about her day. Just as she suspected, Clarissa agreed with Sister Joseph and Brad.

"Are you going to be nice to him now?" Clarissa asked.

"Only if I have to," Allyson said laughing.

***

The waiting room at UAB hospital was exceptionally quiet; there were only 7 people waiting to be seen. Allyson was taken back to a bed immediately when she arrived in the ambulance. The EMT that arrived on the scene said that even though she seemed fine, they still wanted to take her to the hospital. Allyson reluctantly agreed and rode in the ambulance with Clarissa.

Allyson lay on the bed waiting for the doctor, Clarissa on the bed next to her.

"This isn't exactly the ending I pictured for our fun evening," Clarissa said, Allyson glancing at her and then quickly turning her attention to the doctor standing in front of the bed.

"What's your name?" the doctor asked.

"I'm Allyson."

"Well Allyson, I'm Steve. You want to tell me what happened?"

Steve began to examine her as Allyson told him about the accident. They had just left the movies and they were going to have some drinks; Clarissa was driving. As she was driving down I-65, a car cut her off so she slammed on the brakes; they hit the driver head on.

"I see you bumped your head," the doctor said.

"Yeah, I hit my head on the window pretty hard."

"Do you have any pain?" Steve asked.

"Just in my ankle; I probably twisted it or something."

The doctor continued examining her and took a look at her ankle. It was swollen to the size of an orange. The doctor told her they would do an x-ray of her ankle and a CT of her head just to make sure there wasn't major damage. When the doctor walked away, Allyson looked over to see Clarissa flirting with the cute male nurse who was taking a blood sample.

Ten minutes later, a nurse took Allyson to get her x-ray and CT. As the technician was giving her instructions on what to do, he asked her if she was pregnant. It took Allyson a minute to respond; up until this point she had never been asked that question and she had to get used to saying "yes."

"Did you tell the doctor?" the technician asked.

Allyson took a minute to recall her brief interaction with Steve.

"I don't think so."

"Did he ask?"

"No."

"Who is the doctor?"

"Steve."

The technician mumbled something under her breath.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing; he's an intern. He is an extremely smart guy but he tends to forget the small stuff. I'll make sure I tell the nurse so they can do an ultrasound to make sure everything is okay with the baby."

Allyson began to look worried. "What could be wrong with the baby?"

The technician sensed an impending panic, so he went over to her and knelt down next to her as she lay on the table. "Most likely nothing is wrong. Did you have any bruising from the seatbelt?"

"A little."

"Well sometimes the seatbelt can hurt the baby. It's just a precaution."

This was the first time Allyson had felt any mothering instincts kick in. She had spent the last four months trying not to care for the baby so it was easier to give up, but something immediately changed when the technician told her there could be damage to the child. She put her hand on her stomach and began to worry.

After her CT was done, they took Allyson to a private room where they could do an ultrasound. She was tempted to look, but instead stared straight forward at the blue cabinet across the room with jars of tongue depressors and cotton balls sitting on top. Afterwards, they walked Allyson back to the bed and she waited for the doctor to arrive. Clarissa was sitting at the side of the bed.

"They called your parents."

"What?!"

"Well, they are your in case of emergency people and this is an emergency."

"Clarissa, I am sure they are freaking out the whole car ride over here. What about you? Did they call your parents?"

"No." she responded.

"Why not?"

"You are my case of emergency."

Allyson laughed but it was soon stopped by the sight of her parents walking over towards her bed.

"Allyson baby are you okay?"

"I'm okay Mom. I just got in a little car accident. No big deal."

"What happened?" her father asked.

"We got cut off, Clarissa slammed her breaks, and we hit the people in front of us."

"What did the doctor say?"

"I just had some tests but he hasn't come back yet."

Allyson's father walked over to the nurse's station yelling for a doctor to come see Allyson immediately. Allyson didn't know whether to be impressed or embarrassed. On one hand, it showed that he cared about her and wanted her to get the best care; on the other, he took every opportunity he had to throw his name around to get special treatment for him and his family. The nurse paged the doctor and Allyson's father walked back to her bedside.

Allyson participated in some mundane small talk with her parents and was relieved when the doctor returned.

"So how's my baby doc?" her father said.

"She is doing well. She has a bump on her head but she doesn't have a concussion. She did sprain her ankle but we're going to get a nurse to come wrap it up for her and get her some crutches. All of her blood work looks good; and the ultrasound was clear and the baby is fine."

Allyson's eyes slowly widened as the last nine words came out of the doctor's mouth. Clarissa's mouth dropped and she looked at Allyson who was refusing to even take a small glance at her parents.

"I'll be right back," Clarissa said as she walked to the waiting room. She had already been discharged with just some minor bumps and bruises, and a broken wrist which had already been taken care of by the nurse.

Allyson slowly rotated her head to look her parents in the eye. She could see the anger in her father's eyes and his struggle to restrain himself from reacting like he would in the privacy of his own home. Her mother looked disappointed and shocked.

"Allyson, you're pregnant?" her mom asked in a timid voice.

"Yes ma'am, I'm pregnant."

Allyson's father turned to face the wall; he was nervously fidgeting, and without a word, walked outside. Allyson's mother called after him, but he just raised his hand and disappeared from sight. Both Allyson and her mom were silent.

"I don't know what to say Allyson. I never expected this from you."

"I know mom and I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?! You're sorry?! Do you realize what you have done?"

Allyson looked down in shame, predicting what her mom would say to her. Of course she would tell her how much she has shamed the family. She would go on to emphasize how much this may affect her father's reputation.

"Did you think about how this may affect the family before you went and fornicated with some random guy?"

Allyson didn't know what to say. She expected her mom to be shocked, but this reaction was beyond comprehension. Her mom went on to call her words that she couldn't brush off as angry banter.

"Mom, I'm sorry. It was an accident."

"I thought you wanted to be a nun. At least that's what you told us."

"I do want to be a nun and I still can be as long as I give the baby up for adoption and that's what I'm going to do."

"So you've already made a decision?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Before talking to your family?!"

"Yes...it is my decision mom."

"Doesn't seem like you have the best decision making skills; I don't want you to have this baby."

"Mom, how can you say that?"

"I don't want you having this baby. We are going to keep this a secret and you are having an abortion."

Allyson was flabbergasted that her mom would even suggest such a thing. Both of her parents had been devoted practicing Catholics their entire lives; she couldn't have imagined that her mother would want her to abort the baby.

"You talk about me not being a good Christian woman and you are telling me to have an abortion? Such a hypocrite!"

"Don't you dare talk to me like that; I'm your mother and sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. It's part of life."

"Well that's not going to happen mom."

"Oh yes it is. We are in a hospital and we can have it done before we leave."

"Mom, I'm not having an abortion."

"Young lady you better remember who pays for school, your bills, and who has given you a better life than most children. We have been great parents to you and we know what's best for you."

"Well, you aren't being a good parent right now."

Allyson's mom looked at her with disgust. "We will talk about this later. Let's go; we are taking you home until we figure out what to do."

Just then, the nurse came over to wrap Allyson's ankle. Her mom faked a smile as she said hello to the nurse; it wasn't very Southern to let a stranger see you were upset. It also wasn't very Southern to let others know your business. Allyson was extremely distracted and barely heard the nurse tell her how to take care of her ankle. At that moment, it wasn't her first concern. The nurse did her best to ignore the tension between them and preferred not to make eye contact with either woman. The nurse had seen Allyson's chart, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the reason for the friction between mother and daughter. For a brief moment she thought some friendly conversation may put them at ease for just a few minutes, but she decided not to get involved; she was a nurse, not a bartender. And her intervention, despite good intentions, would probably not be welcomed.

The nurse finished and simply told the ladies to have a good evening. She winked at Allyson and told her to call or come by if she had any problems. That wink was surprisingly warming and she smiled at the nurse as she walked away. The pleasant moment soon disappeared when she turned to her mother, whose pleasant façade had faded.

"Mom; you need to listen to me. I'm not going to abort this baby. You are just going to have to deal with the fact that your unwed 21 year old daughter is pregnant. Besides, it's too late anyway. I'm four months along."

"You...are...four...months..."

Allyson's mom did not finish her sentence, but instead muttered something under her breath.

"Come on Allyson."

This time Allyson did not say a word, but just followed her mom out of the emergency room. Clarissa was sitting in the waiting area and followed them outside. Allyson's dad offered to take Clarissa back to school.

"I'm guessing by the look on everyone's face that didn't go well," Clarissa said to Allyson.

Clarissa put her arm around Allyson's shoulder and walked out with her, listening to Allyson describe every detail of the conversation. Awkward was an understated description of the car ride home. Allyson's dad still had not said anything to her, and her mom glanced back every once in a while to give Allyson a look that would evoke guilt the size of Kansas. With every passing minute, Clarissa hoped that Allyson's dad would drive faster; the sooner she could escape the car the better for her sanity.

Parked in front of the dorm, Allyson started to get out.

"Young lady, I believe it would be in your best interest if you sat back down," her father said to her, the only words he had spoken since they were at the hospital. Allyson didn't want to further upset him, so she sat back down and closed the door. Clarissa waved to her as they drove off.

During the fifteen minute drive home, Allyson's parents spent the time talking about her like she wasn't there. This one mistake had transformed her into a delinquent that had to be handled. She wasn't their daughter, but rather a situation, a situation that had to be dealt with properly so as not soil their reputation as the good Catholic parents. They discussed taking her out of school until she had the baby and not telling anyone else in the family. Allyson's mom glared at her again and then looked at her father, asking him where they had gone wrong. Nothing else that Allyson had done mattered; this pregnancy had come to define her.

By the time they arrived home, Allyson was upset; she felt ashamed and unloved. Her parents had become exactly what she hoped they wouldn't; they became selfish and more concerned with themselves. They didn't care that their only child may be scared and worried; she was no longer a person, but simply a reflection of themselves, and right now she mirrored horrible parenting. And they could not be seen as bad parents who didn't teach their daughter how to be a lady.

Allyson was reaching her breaking point. She was twenty one years old and her parents were treating her like a child. And where was the unconditional love and compassion. She had always looked up to her parents, but now, she didn't want to be anything like them. She had always been sure of her decision to give the baby up for adoption, but now, she was glad because she didn't want to be a mother if she was going to be anything like her own.

As they walked into the house, they were still going on and on about their disappointment and frustration. They whined about how this pregnancy was devastating for them; Allyson's mother even started crying. It was the most ridiculous display of over-dramatics Allyson had ever seen, and the most hurtful. It took Allyson weeks to get over her own guilt and regret, and now her parents were making it a point to rehash those feelings. Aren't parents supposed to make her feel better?

They walked into the living room and Allyson sat down and continued to listen to them. After five minutes , she had had enough.

"Just shut up!" she yelled, her parents turned around stunned. "Just shut up."

"Allyson, who do you think you are talking to?" her father asked.

"I don't know. Honestly, I don't know."

Allyson huffed as she collapsed on the couch. She laid her head back on the couch and closed her eyes, hoping her parents had walked away. After a few breaths, she opened her eyes and pulled her head back down to see them sitting across from her, probably waiting for an apology.

"Who are you? I do everything right my whole life, and with one mistake, I'm suddenly the daughter you wish you never had."

"We are disappointed and angry. We have a right to feel that way."

"Yes you do, but you don't have a right to treat me like this; to make me feel disgusting, ashamed, filthy, and like a whore. This happened to me damnit! This didn't happen to you, it happened to me."

Allyson's parents sat in silence, not knowing what to say. No parent wants to see their child cry, and her parents began to soften with each tear running down Allyson's face.

"I'm scared; Mom and Dad, I'm so scared. I need you and I need your support."

"What do you expect from us?" her mom asked.

"What do I expect from you?" Allyson asked. "I cannot believe this. I expect you to tell me you love me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I expect you to remind me that you will always be there for me, and I'm more important than your reputations or what other people think of you. I expect a little compassion. I expect you to be my parents."

Allyson's father leaned back, looking at his daughter. He remembered when she graduated from high school in the top ten percent of her class, and thought about how proud he was of her. He thought about the conversation they had when she told them she wanted to be nun; it wasn't what he wanted for her, but it was beautiful and courageous to dedicate her life to God. In all of the stages of her life, he never imagined her being pregnant. He smiled as he thought about taking her to the park when she was little and pushing on her on the swings; her favorite was the slide and he had a hard time letting her go when she finally wanted to go down by herself. Lastly he thought about the day she was born and all of the possibilities that ran through his mind as he held her for the first time. This was not the life he wanted for her; this was not the life of daddy's little girl.

"Can you do that?" Allyson asked, bringing her dad back to the present. They didn't respond at all and out of frustration, Allyson threw her hands up and walked out of the room. While at the threshold, she turned around.

"You may be disappointed in me, but I am more so in you. I never thought my parents, who I've wanted to emulate my whole life, would treat me like common trash. I'm glad I'm not keeping this baby; I'd fear I would be exactly like you."

Their eyes glazed over as they listened to the enraged words of their daughter. Allyson's mom thought about going up to talk to her, but decided to give her some time to calm down.

Upstairs, Allyson cried on the floor of the bathroom. The people you care about the most are the ones who hurt you the most. It was unfortunate that she didn't have her car; she wanted to leave as quickly as possible. Her own home wasn't the safe place it used to be. Allyson finally pealed herself off the cold white tile and went to her room. She felt she would suffocate if she stayed in the house much longer, so she called Clarissa.

"Clarissa, can you come get me?"

"Sure honey. Are you sure it's okay with your parents?"

"I don't really care. Please just come get me."

"I'm leaving right now."

Allyson hung up the phone and went back to the bathroom to wash her face. She had bags under her eyes and her cheeks were bright red. After drying off her face, she walked out of her room into the hall, listening for her parents. The house was abnormally quiet; there wasn't the sound of her mother talking to one of her friends or her dad arguing with a business associate. Wherever they were in the house, she couldn't hear them. There wasn't even a sound coming from their bedroom as she walked by and went downstairs; not even whispering. She got to the bottom of the stairs and heard the sound of her mother's voice.

"Ally," she said, getting off the couch and walking towards her.

Allyson rolled her eyes and turned to face her mother, something she didn't want to have to do. "Yes mom?"

"I want you to know I love you," she said putting her arms around Allyson and holding her tightly.

Her mom's arms usually felt like a blanket that had just come out of the dryer, warm, relaxing, and cozy with an intoxicating comforting scent. Today her arms felt cold, like the bars of a prison and she had to break free. She loved her mom but it would take more than thirty minutes to forgive her.

"You have a weird way of showing it," Allyson said and walked out the door. It was hard to breathe in her house, so she decided to wait for Clarissa outside. Her mother stood there as Allyson closed the door.

It was cold outside and Allyson shivered as she waited for Clarissa to pull up in front of her house. Just as she was thinking about sneaking back inside, she saw Clarissa's car and walked to the curb. She opened the door and sat in the car. Allyson didn't need to say a word; Clarissa put the car in park and gave her a hug. Allyson released everything on Clarissa's shoulder, every emotion she had, flowed out of her eyes.

"How about we go get some Krispe Kreme; empty calories always make me feel better," Clarissa said as they let go and leaned back in their seats.

"Sure," Allyson said with a smile.

# Chapter 7

There is a knock on the door as Sister Gerard sits at her desk checking her text messages. The only one of importance is from Marie who has apologized for not speaking to her for two weeks. Sister Gerard hates to admit it but she hasn't really noticed Marie's absence. Between being a mentor to a novice, implementing the organization's expansion, and her every day duties in the office, she has had little time to think about herself.

Sister Robert comes in and sits down across from the desk. Sister Gerard hasn't noticed Sister Robert's entrance and is surprised to see her sitting across from her when she finally pulls her head up after putting her cell phone back in her purse.

"Grace, you scared me."

"I'm sorry. I thought you heard me."

"So, how is everything?" Sister Gerard asks, picking up some papers and glancing over them.

"Everything is fine. I have some good news."

"What" Sister Gerard says without any excitement or curiosity, continuing to flip through documents.

"Allyson, could you stop for a minute?"

She does not hear her, and continues looking through information pertaining to the architecture plans for the new facility.

"Ally, would you please put that stuff down and listen."

She awaits a response, but still nothing, not even a serious acknowledgement of her presence. Sister Robert , out of frustration, yells for her attention. Sister Gerard finally raises her head, her focus completely on Sister Robert.

"I'm sorry," she says putting her papers down in front of her. "I've just been..."

"Busy?" Sister Robert finishes.

"Busy is an understatement. I feel like everything is coming at once."

"Well then a nice conversation with your best friend will surely be a welcome break."

Sister Gerard smiles and goes to sit on the sofa, inviting Sister Robert to sit next to her.

"I know I haven't been a best friend lately. Sister Mary Theresa wants this stuff done as soon as possible."

"Don't you have Lisa helping you?"

"Yes but with one of the cooks on vacation, she hasn't had much time this week to help and Sister Mary Theresa doesn't believe that is an excuse to slow down our progress; so I'm stuck doing a lot of work."

"I can help some,"

"Grace, you have five novices to take care of; I don't want to take you away from that."

"Allyson, I'll be happy to do what I can to help. What kind of role model would I be for the new students if I didn't take the time to help a fellow Sister who feels like she's drowning in obligations."

Sister Gerard smiles; it helps to know that her friend is willing to put aside her own duties to help. The least she could do is put her own things aside for a few minutes to spend some time with her.

"Oh, speaking of novices, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. The girls want to spend the night again this weekend. They had a blast! Can you believe that?"

"Wow Grace."

"Yeah, so I've decided to go ahead and allow them to spend the whole weekend here, not just one night. I have to admit that night was a lot of fun."

"I had fun too. Actually, I had a very interesting conversation with Trish."

"Trish...Trish...Trish," Sister Robert repeats, trying to recall a face to put with the name. Finally Sister Gerard reminds her Trish is the former prostitute and addict who got pregnant by her pimp.

"When did you have a conversation with Trish?"

She tells Sister Robert she was having a difficult time sleeping after speaking with her mom so she went to the common area to watch television or read. After channel surfing through every kind of infomercial possible, she turned the television off. As soon as she did, Trish walked into the room and sat next to her.

"We sat in silence for a little while. Even though it's been almost four months, I didn't know if they were still mad at me for basically having them live under house arrest. Anyway, as I was getting ready to leave, Trish looked at me and asked me if I wanted to talk."

It's weird for her to seek help from the girls since she is there to help them. But, she decided to open up to Trish.

"You told her about the conversation with your mother?" Sister Robert asks, curious if she told Trish about her past.

"I didn't give her specifics, but I told her I had a bad experience in my young adulthood that was still affecting my life now."

She goes on to tell Sister Robert that it was nice talking to Trish, and it was surprisingly enlightening.

"Did she say any one thing that really helped?" she asks.

"Yes she did. She told me she got some great advice from someone that really helped her move forward in her life."

"And what was the advice?"

"She said someone once told her that she should learn from her mistakes; not carry them with her. Trying to move forward is difficult when something is keeping you stuck to the ground."

"And who gave her that great advice?"

"I did."

"I've been telling you for years to listen to your own advice."

They sit and talk, Sister Gerard giving more details about her encounter with Trish. She has advised many young women on how to move beyond mistakes and helped them let go of shame and regret. Every logical thought tells her that she has no reason to bear the burden of her past. Her heart tells her that God has forgiven her and it is time that she forgives herself.

"Allyson, you need to learn to love yourself as much as we do and as much as God does."

Her eyes widen as she absorbs Sister Robert's words. "Do I not love myself?" she thought, getting up from the couch and sitting in her desk chair. She has never thought that her willingness to carry around the sins of another was an indication of a lack of love for herself; it is her form of self-punishment. Before she becomes overwhelmed, she returns her thoughts to Sister Robert's success with the novices.

"Do you need me to spend the night again? I'll be happy to."

"Only if you want to; I didn't know if you would want to do it again so I asked Sister Mary Katherine to assist. I know you've been busy with all of your new responsibilities as Assistant Director."

Sister Gerard does not want this to happen; she does not want her Sisters or the clients to ever believe that she is too occupied for them. When she took the job, she was aware of the increased responsibility, but every day she works on balancing her obligations so that she has time for everyone.

"Grace, I am never too busy for my best friend. I'll be happy to join you this weekend."

Sister Robert knows the extent of her dedication and her willingness to sleep 4 hours a night rather than disappoint anyone, especially her girls. Sister Gerard's head is in her hands as Sister Robert gets up to leave.

"Allyson, you don't have to do everything. All of us understand, even the girls. They know that you have less time with them because you are trying to better their lives. Even though you'd like to believe it, you shouldn't have to do everything. We are here to help you. It's okay...I promise. "

Sister Gerard smiles in acknowledgment of her reassuring words and watches her walk out of the office. Hiding her distress has never been her strength, especially in the presence of her friends. She tries her best to fake a smile. She doesn't fear being seen as weak or incapable; she fears vulnerability.

Marie's reputation preceded her in high school, and now she has to work to keep that reputation intact. Her decision to go ahead and tell her friends was like getting a shot; yes, it hurt at first but just like any gossip in high school, after a week, people forget and move on to the next hot topic. She didn't think that school would be her escape from judgment, but it is; it is unfortunate that a pregnant sixteen year old is common.

After the initial shock, she received requests to take Chris's place as her boyfriend. Marie is especially taken aback by the boys approaching her, knowing her current situation. "Perhaps they think I'm going to give it up or have it aborted," she thinks to herself walking down the hall to her Algebra II class, passing a group of football players checking her out as she passes.

"Mark asked me to give this to you," Shelby says giving Marie a note.

She opens it and reads it as Shelby rushes down the hall.

"Marie, I like you. You are so beautiful and I've been waiting two years for you to dump that jerk Chris. You deserve better and I think I can be the perfect guy for you. Just consider giving me a chance. If your answer is yes to a date, meet me in front of the school at 3:15pm."

Marie smiles as she folds it up and puts in her pants pocket. "These boys are crazy," she says to herself. "What high school boy volunteers to be a teenage father?"

She only has a couple of hours to consider his proposition and instead of focusing on the teachers in her last two classes, she can only think about Mark.

It is puzzling to Marie that hardly anything changed after people found out she became pregnant. She expected teachers to look at her condescendingly and with great disappointment. She expected her peers to force her to the table of outcasts. She expected her friends to want to spend less time with her; they can't be seen with the pregnant girl. She expected boys to ignore her; she expected her reputation to be stained forever. The school has been incredibly accepting, the principal offering to allow her time off at the beginning of the next school year if she needed it to recuperate from giving birth. Strangers continue to see the person she is; she only wishes her parents could be the same way.

The school bell rings and after going to her locker, she goes outside and waits for Mark. She figures it wouldn't hurt to give him a chance. As she sits on the stoop, she sees him walk out and notices the enormous smile that comes over his face as he makes eye contact. Unexpectedly, Marie is overcome with butterflies.

"I'm glad you are here Marie."

"I'm confused."

"Confused about what?" he asks sitting next to her.

"You do know I'm pregnant don't you?"

"Yes," Mark says laughing.

"You do realize I'm having the baby?"

"Yes, I know that too."

"So it is a reasonable assumption that if you are my boyfriend, you would be a teenage father."

"Yep," he says continuing to smile.

"And you aren't hesitant? You aren't running the other way?"

"Nope."

"Wow."

"Marie, you are beautiful, smart, funny and I have had a crush on you since middle school. The fact that you are having the baby and holding your head high just makes me like you even more; it shows how brave you are."

Marie smiles.

"Can I walk you to your car?" Mark asks.

"Sure."

Mark and Marie walk around the school to the student parking lot. Halfway to her car, Mark grabs her hand and squeezes it tight. "I have goosebumps," she thinks to herself and she returns the squeeze. Mark has a confident demeanor, and doesn't hesitate to let go of her hand and put his arms around her shoulder.

"So when are you going to let me take you out?" Mark asks when they get to Marie's car.

"How about this weekend?"

Before Marie can even think, Mark's lips are on hers. She closes her eyes and kisses him back. He puts his hands on her face and she comes in closer to him, her hands around his waist. She is so engaged in him, she doesn't notice the thirty or so pairs of eyes staring at them; she can't feel Chris's eyes burning in the back of head.

"I would go ahead and ask you to be my girlfriend but it may be a little soon. Let's go on our date first."

Marie is so blissful she just nods her head, speechless and pleasantly surprised by the feeling that ran through her the moment he touched her hand.

"I'll call you," Mark says as he walks away to his own car.

Marie leans on the door of her car and breathes a heavy sigh. Cyndi runs over to the car after watching the whole thing.

"Oh my gosh Marie, was that Mark? Were you just making out with Mark in the parking lot?"

"Yes," she says with a smile, looking at Cyndi with glitter in her eyes.

"Chris saw you."

"I don't care," she says opening her car door.

"Um...you are not leaving honey. You have to tell me every detail."

"Well get in. We can go to Starbucks or something. I'll bring you back to your car."

"I still can't believe Mark asked you out. Mr. hot future valedictorian wants you. I haven't seen him with a girl the entire time we've been in school together."

"It's because he's been pining after me," Marie says as the girls get in the car.

***

When Marie arrives at home just in time for dinner, her parents are both sitting in the living room watching Jeopardy. For Marie, that is not a good sign. She rarely comes home and sees her parents actually doing something together; their extremely busy schedules don't allow for much alone time. It is obvious they were waiting for her to get home. She can either sneak past them to her room or she can walk right in there and take whatever they have to say.

"Hi mom and dad," she says, sitting down on the couch across from them.

"Hi honey; we need to talk to you," her mom says turning off the television.

Marie sits there nervously as she waits for what she assumes is her parent's wrath or perhaps some ridiculous ultimatum that conforms to their desires for their only daughter.

"We love you and we only want the best for you," her dad begins. "I'm sorry for how I reacted when you told me. I know you wanted more from me and I was not the supportive parent I should have been."

Marie sits flabbergasted by her dad's words; she never expected an apology. She begins to relax and listens intently to her father.

"I want you to know, we want you to know, that if you decide to keep your baby, we will support you one-hundred percent."

"Really?" Marie responds in disbelief.

"Now, we are still settling into the situation, but we want you to know that we will be here for you no matter what you decide," her mom says.

"Thank you so much," Marie says, going over to put her arms around her parents' necks. With tears in her eyes, she focuses her embrace on her dad. "Thank you daddy," she says squeezing him tight, his arms resting around her waist. He holds her, Marie's head resting next to his neck. He gives her a kiss on the forehead as she stands back up.

Before walking out of the room, books in tow, she turns around.

"Are you ready yet for a visit to the doctor? I asked Uncle Brad to go with me at the end of the week."

Marie's mom shakes her head, still not ready to fully embrace the situation.

"Baby, I'm not that ready. Is it okay if you just go with your Uncle?"

"No mom...it is okay. I'm just ecstatic to hear you say those things."

Turning around at the threshold, Marie tells them one more thing. "By the way, I have a date Friday."

Both parents turn and look at Marie astonished.

"Really?" her mom asks.

"Yes mom, I was surprised too. I didn't think a guy would dare want to get involved with me."

"Wait...what happened to Chris?" her father asks. He loved Chris; he thought he was the perfect boy for his daughter. "He seemed like such a respectable guy."

"Well dad you were wrong. He told me he would break up with me if I didn't get an abortion. I didn't appreciate that so I broke up with him."

"Well I didn't expect that from him; I really thought he would take responsibility for his part in this," her dad responds. "Oh well....who is the new boy?"

"His name is Mark."

"Mark Lassiter? The young man who is expected to be the valedictorian?" her mom asks.

"Yes ma'am ."

Both of her parents smile, in complete approval of her prospective new boyfriend.

"Well darling, have fun; you have our blessing, if you were seeking it," her dad says getting up from the couch, most likely going back to his office.

"I was," Marie says smiling and walks upstairs to her room.

Sister Gerard and Sister Patrick sit in the kitchen having lunch and discussing their trip today to see a potential piece of land for the new facility. Sister Gerard has never had to have what they call a working lunch, but it is required today.

"How did it go with the architect last week?" Sister Patrick asks.

"It went very well. The plans are beautiful and if we can pull this off, the new facility will be beautiful."

"And the money?"

"Now that seems to be the most difficult part. We are going to have to do some serious fundraising." Sister Gerard continues.

"I was hoping grants from the government would be enough."

"I thought they would be until I fully comprehended Sister Theresa's vision. She wants a facility that can hold at least 75 girls at one time, which would require a lot more hiring. She wants to have two primary physicians, two gynecologists, and four professional counselors on staff at least part-time. She wants three more security guards and two more cooks. She wants more amenities, such as multiple common rooms, cable, internet access to help the women find jobs, and she wants it to feel more like a home rather than a dorm."

"Sister Theresa is extremely ambitious."

"Yes and I don't think she realizes how much work this is going to take; but I'm going to do my best to help her achieve her goal."

"Besides coming with you this afternoon, what else do you need me to do?" Sister Patrick asks.

"It would be of great help if you could look for an interior decorator and a party planner. I don't think we could handle all of this and on top of that, decorate the place ourselves and plan fundraising events."

"When do you want to have the first fundraising event?"

"I'll say in a month; and no I don't have a concept or theme but I think an event planner can help with that."

"I'm on it Allyson."

"Thank you Lisa."

"Don't stress honey, and if you do, remember it's totally worth it."

Sister Gerard smiles as she puts her plate in the sink, says goodbye to Sister Patrick, and goes back to her office. She has about three hours before she has to go to the site. Once she sits at her desk, she mentally categorizes everything she has to do, dividing them first into the things she needs to do and things she wants to do. She wants to read a book but she needs to read proposal papers. She wants to call Clarissa but she needs to call the realtor about this afternoon's meeting. She wants to go talk to clients but she needs to talk to Sister Luke about her visit to the school next week. She wants to take a nap but she needs to stay awake and alert due to the urgency of her "need" list.

What has felt like one hour has actually been two and Sister Gerard hurries to finish her "to do" list before packing up her things and leaving. Her afternoons used to be spent talking to potential novices, helping young women in trouble, or spending time with her Sisters. Now she spent more time in her office on her computer or reading through indecipherable language. She hasn't even seen Marie in over a week; Marie has called and wanted to come see her but time has been so limited, she has had to restrict.

This constraint has made Marie even more anxious to see Sister Gerard and tell her about her parents' breakthrough. Marie spends the entire day anxious about her doctor's appointment; today she can find out the sex of the baby. Walking through the halls with Mark, she incessantly talks about her desire for a girl.

"I want to buy her cute clothes, put bows in her hair, paint her a pink room, and give her cute little black patent leather Mary Janes."

"But a boy would be awesome too. I could teach him all kinds of things like how to play baseball and how to get the cute girls," Mark says winking at Marie.

After their date the previous Friday, Marie and Mark quickly became a couple. Marie cannot believe how supportive he is; he has made her seriously consider keeping the baby. She knows she has to make a firm decision soon; Sister Gerard reminds her that the process of finding the right family can take a while so it is best to start as soon as possible.

"I'm sorry I can't come to the appointment," Mark says looking at his watch.

"Oh it's okay. My Uncle is coming with me. I'll be okay."

They walk hand in hand down the hall until Marie gets right outside of her Honors English class.

"I do have one question."

"Shoot."

"Are you sure you want to know the sex of the baby? You haven't decided if you are going to keep it or not and knowing the sex may sway you one way or the other."

Marie takes her hand out of his, upset and dreading that this will become a repeat of the situation with Chris. Mark seems aware of her thoughts.

"No, it is not like that. You know I will support you whatever decision you make. I just want you to make that decision without influence, including mine."

Marie's grimace quickly turns into a smile and she grabs his hand again. She tells him she understands his concern and she will think about it before going to her appointment. Mark asks her to call him after she gets out of her appointment; he should be out of practice by 5:30. Since this is last period and both of them have immediate after-school appointments, Mark sneaks a kiss before any teachers see him. Marie watches him until he walks into his class down the hall and then she goes to sit in her desk. She has never been this dreamy-eyed; not even with Chris.

After class, she hurries to her locker and then to meet her Uncle in front of school so she can go to her afternoon appointment. Anxiety and excitement stir in her as she rides to the House of St. Agnes.

"Thanks for coming with me."

"Of course; you're my favorite niece."

"I'm your only niece," Marie responds, smiling and giggling.

***

Sister Gerard stands behind her desk gathering stacks of files and putting them into her briefcase. She calls Sister Patrick in the kitchen to tell her she will be ready to go in fifteen minutes. Sister Patrick finishes some dinner preparations and starts cleaning up, leaving the other cooks to finish the meal. Sister Gerard picks up her purse and checks her phone for any missed calls or messages. She has one text message.

"Hey Sister. I'm on my way to my appointment. I wanted to stop by for a moment to see you. Will be there at 3:45."

Sister Gerard sighs with regret; because of her meeting, she will not have much time with Marie. She continues to gather her things and decides to meet Marie at the front of the office as she is leaving. "I'll plan a lunch for us," she thinks, going through her mental list of things she will need. She takes a moment to breathe. She puts all of her things on the couch right by the door and sits next to it, waiting for Sister Patrick.

"Hi Sister!" an excited voice says after two knocks on the open door. Marie pokes her head in and sees Sister Gerard spring up at the sound of her voice.

"Marie, oh darling it is so good to see you," she says as she hugs her. "Come sit down and tell me what has been going on. And I'm going to apologize ahead of time. I have a meeting to leave for in about ten minutes so I don't have a lot of time."

"Oh it's okay Sister; I understand. I came with my uncle; I want you to meet him. He has been of great help to me and he is coming with me today to my doctor's appointment. My parents still aren't ready to dive in."

"Where is he?"

"I assume parking the car. He'll be here in a second. I told him where your office is; I hope that's okay."

"That's fine; so tell me what's going on."

Marie begins to tell Sister about her conversation with her parents and her new boyfriend. Sister Gerard smiles as she listens to the recollection of recent events. She has seen many things in her days as a counselor, but she has never seen a young lady deal so well with such a stressful situation; "she handles herself better than I did" she thinks to herself as Marie continues describing every detail of the last two weeks.

Five minutes into their conversation, there is a knock at the door and a handsome man peaks his head in the door. Marie breaks her gaze and looks at the gentleman. She gets up from her seat and walks over to her uncle.

"Sister Gerard, this is my Uncle Brad."

Sister Gerard's heart stops as she sticks out her hand to shake his; it is like she has seen a ghost. She doesn't know if she is doing a good job of hiding the sense of horror and shock that has overcome her, but she figures she can't be doing that well considering the look on his face.

"Allyson?"

She doesn't respond, but instead sits down on the couch, doing her best not to scream. "This can't be happening. This can't be happening," she repeats as she settles into the seat cushions.

"Brad, is that you?"

"Yes! Oh my gosh," he says sitting across from her. "Oh my gosh," he says again in a deeper concerned tone, looking at Marie and then back at her.

"Do you all know each other?" Marie asks.

"We do," Brad responds, Sister Gerard still unable to speak. "We went to college together."

"Oh wow; what a small world?"

"Yes it is," Sister Gerard mutters under her breath, staring at the floor unable to make eye contact with Brad or Marie. "Marie, would you mind going ahead to your appointment? I'd like to catch up."

"Oh, no problem."

"We will just be a few minutes, I promise," he continues.

Marie kisses Brad on the cheek and walks out of the room, Sister Gerard closing the door behind her. Once the door is closed, Brad begins to pace the room. She sits back down on the couch.

"Please tell me you have more than one niece," Sister Gerard says. "Please tell me you have another niece," she says again, almost pleading for him to say no. "Brad!"

Brad sits down again across from her and does not say a word; he doesn't have to. She can see the truth in his eyes.

"Brad...is that my daughter?" she asks, hoping her intuition is wrong. She can feel her throat swelling and her heart beating out of her chest.

"Yes Allyson; that is our daughter," he says nodding his head.

Sister Gerard suddenly bursts into tears, gasping for air and dropping her head into her lap. Brad sits next to her, his hand on her back.

"This whole time; for the last three months I have been helping my own daughter; my own daughter who somehow without any relationship with me has followed in my footsteps."

"I'm so sorry Ally; I had no idea. All I knew was that you were a nun but I didn't know any details."

"I know...I know," she says barely finding her voice. "I knew something was different about her. From our first conversation, I knew my connection with her was special and now I know why."

They sit in silence, Brad rubbing her back as she sobs uncontrollably. Suddenly Sister Gerard sits up and walks to her phone and dials Sister Patrick.

"Lisa, would it be possible for you to go to the meeting by yourself. I have an emergency."

"What's wrong?"

"I can't talk about it now. I'll leave my briefcase outside of my office with the important documents. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay honey; you sound extremely upset. I'll take care of everything."

"Thank you," she says and hangs up the phone.

With goosebumps all over her body and an overwhelming feeling of uncertainty, she sits at her desk. Brad joins her, sitting in a chair across from her, his heart breaking.

Brad has always been afraid that this would happen, but he thought that Allyson's career choice would bring the chance of an accidental encounter to almost zero. The room is eerily quiet as multitudes of questions run through her mind. Brad finally breaks the silence.

"What are we going to do? What do you want to do?"

"I don't know Brad. I don't know. I mean I could pretend that she's just another client I'm trying to help but we both know that would be nearly impossible. I can't ignore what I know."

"We could tell her."

"We would be risking a lot, especially her relationship with you. Her entire life, you have been her Uncle Brad and now she's going to find out you are really her father? And the woman she has trusted and confided in is really her mother? Do you know how much pain she will be in? How betrayed she will feel? And her parents?"

"Ally, I don't know what to do. I will do whatever you want me to," he says looking at his watch. "I hate to do this but I have to go. Marie is waiting for me. We should meet for dinner tonight and talk. Meet me at 7 at Leonardo's."

Sister Gerard nods her head as Brad runs next door to meet Marie. She gets out of her desk and closes and locks her door. Without a single step forward, she slides down the door to the ground, her head in her knees.

By the time she is able to peel herself off of the floor the sun has set and her office is dark. As she stands up to turn on the light, there is a knock on the door and she hears Sister Robert's voice.

"Allyson, are you in there?" she asks rapping at the door.

Sister Gerard wipes her face and fixes her clothes before opening the door. When she looks at Sister Robert, the intense worry and concern is plastered across her face.

"Allyson, are you ok? Lisa said you had some kind of emergency."

Sister Gerard guides her to the couch where they both sit. The redness in her face and the puffy eyes indicate an extraordinary amount of tears, and when Sister Robert touches her arm, she is shaking.

"Allyson, please tell me what is wrong. You are scaring me."

She takes a deep breath.

"You remember the young woman I've been counseling Marie? The one I told you I had a deep connection with?"

"Yeah."

"Grace, she's my daughter," she says breaking down again.

"What?!" Sister Robert responds, her tone rising five octaves. "She's your daughter? How do you know?"

Sister Gerard recounts the afternoon's details. Sister Robert is stunned by the sequence of events and just the sure fate of what happened.

"Do you know what you are going to do?"

"No...I really haven't had time to completely process the situation; I haven't settled into the discovery."

"I understand," she says while putting her arm around Sister Gerard.

"I'm having dinner with Brad tonight to talk about it. I don't even think I can go."

"You can Ally; you have to. The sooner you confront this, the better; you should know that of all people."

Somehow she will collect enough strength to walk into that restaurant and talk to Brad about their next step, whatever that may be. She will be strong like she tells her girls and figure out the best action to take...for Marie.

"Wait....Ally...how did you not figure it out, or at least suspect, from her name and the information she has given you?"

"She introduced herself to me by her middle name. Marie is her middle name; Gabrielle Marie Montgomery. I didn't know her last name. I knew her birthday but it didn't mean anything; millions of people share the same birthday."

"So this completely caught you off guard?"

"Yes! I'm still in disbelief; I'm hoping in a minute I'm going to wake up and this is just some awful nightmare I can forget."

After some encouraging words from her friend, Sister Gerard goes to the chapel for a little meditation and prayer. Without any tears left to fall, she closes her eyes and requests God's strength to endure what is to come. She continually asks Him what to do, and attempts to quiet her mind to hear the answer, but she can't hear God's voice amidst the emotional and mental chaos. Going to her knees, she asks for peace, looking for the answers within herself, but only more questions arise. She has never felt prayer to be an empty endeavor until this moment, when her soul and mind are so full, they can't absorb anything else.

Tired, she gets up from the pew and walks back to her office. Nothing looks or feels the same anymore. That chair in front of her desk is where her daughter sat and told her she was pregnant. That couch is where her daughter sat and cried on her shoulder. That desk is where her daughter placed her hands, and that phone is the way she communicated with her daughter on a regular basis. That carpet is where her daughter placed her book-bag when coming to visit after school. That shelf is where her daughter looked when trying to find a book that would assist her with a school project in Theology class. That threshold is where her daughter stood and told Sister Gerard that she was forever grateful for her help.

By the time she had rested in her desk chair, it was almost six. She had three voicemail messages, one from Brad, one from Marie, and one from Sister Patrick. She was simultaneously desperate and hesitant to listen to the message.

"First unheard message sent today at 5:00pm. Hi Sister, it's Marie. I just wanted to let you know I'M HAVING A BOY! I am so excited and I just wanted to share this with you. I was hoping I could come by and see you tomorrow. Maybe we could have dinner or something. Uncle Brad says he thinks this news will help my parents muster up some excitement. I don't know. Text me later Sister; I love you, Bye."

Sister smiles hearing her daughter profess her love. She presses nine, saving the message, and continues listening.

"Second unheard message sent today at 5:15pm. Hi Allyson, it's Brad. I just wanted to remind you about dinner tonight. I also wanted to say I'm sorry that things happened the way they did. I just hope we can come to an agreement on what's best for Gaby."

For a moment Sister Gerard resents Brad's statement; she has always looked out for Gabrielle's best interest. She presses seven, deleting the message, anxious about what Sister Mary Patrick had to say.

"Third unheard message sent today at 5:40pm. Hi Ally, it's Lisa. I don't want you to worry. The meeting went very well and the property is beautiful. I was tempted to go ahead and make an offer on it but I'd like you to see it first. The realtor says she'll be happy to bring us back this weekend. Let me know if you are free. I'll see you went you get home darling."

The third message was the only sense of relief she has had in hours. After deleting the message, she throws her phone back into her purse and puts her head down. She briefly picks it back up to send a text to Marie, but now she doesn't know what to say. It should be simple to text "I'm happy for you. Of course you can come by tomorrow," but the reality is that while Gabrielle sits across from her, the words "I'm your mom" will be fighting to escape and she can't risk that.

At 6:40pm, Sister grabs her keys and purse and drives to Leonardo's. Kai Ryssdal of Marketplace usually provides the background for drives this time of evening, but she doesn't even turn on the radio. Approaching the turn after the water treatment plant on Highway 280, she is tempted to keep straight, and it takes all of her power to make that right turn. Her heart begins to race as she gets closer and when she pulls into a parking space, she sits, listening to the humming engine and takes a few deep breaths. As she gets out of the car, she can see Brad walking toward her. "I could just get in and peel away," she thinks to herself as he comes around the front of the car.

"Hi Ally."

"Hi Brad."

Their interaction is awkward and tense, neither one of them sure what to say or how to interact. This isn't a typical "old friends running into each other" situation where two hours can be spent reminiscing and updating each other on their lives. Even after being seated, the right words to begin the conversation are lost. For the first fifteen minutes, they sit in silence, avoiding eye contact and sipping their waters.

"So what do you like here?" Brad asks, making a valiant effort at small talk.

Sister closes her menu and places it on the table.

"Brad what are we going to do?" she asks, not wanting to waste a minute with useless banter.

"I am still unsure of what is best for her. This news will dramatically change her life."

"And possibly ruin her relationship with her parents...and you."

Their conversation is briefly interrupted by their server.

"What if we don't tell her?" Brad continues after placing their orders.

"If we don't tell her, I'll have to stop seeing her. I can't continue to counsel her knowing the truth, and knowing that I am lying to her every day."

"I can tell you want to continue counseling her."

"I do...but I can't justify disrupting her life for my own selfish needs."

"It's not selfish Ally. She has come to depend on you, and especially right now, she needs you."

"So we'll have to tell her then."

"She's a smart girl. I would hate for her to somehow find out on her own."

"I'm surprised she hasn't found out already."

"Well we have done our best to adhere to your wishes."

"I wish I hadn't asked you all to do that. If she knew she was adopted, this would be a lot easier."

Brad reaches over and grabs her hand.

"Ally don't blame yourself. And please don't cry."

Sister takes the white napkin in her lap and dabs under her eyes.

"I know you don't believe me but everything will be okay. You are a nun; we have God on our side."

Sister giggles hearing Brad's words and seeing the goofy yet comforting smile on his face.

"So I guess that's our final decision; we are going to tell her the truth," she says placing her napkin back in her lap and leaning back as the server places their food in front of them.

"I guess we are."

The conversation during the meal slowly drifts into non-related topics. Brad tells her about his life and his girlfriend; Sister tells him about her job at the center and the new position and responsibilities.

"Do you ever think about how different your life would be if you hadn't become a nun? Do you ever want the husband and children?"

"Of course; those thoughts are inevitable. But I don't regret my decision. I have a purpose that is real and affecting, and I wouldn't change that for anything."

They continue their conversation and after Brad pays the bill, he walks her to the car. Once at her door, Sister notices Brad's increased anxiety. He looks like he wants to say something but is afraid.

"What is it Brad?"

Brad rocks his body side to side and then folds his arms.

"Are we going to tell her I'm her father?"

"I think we should; why wouldn't you want to tell her?"

Brad gives her a telling look.

"Oh Brad," she says grabbing his hands, "I won't tell her that. She doesn't need to know everything. She will want to know about her biological father and I can't lie to her. I can handle a lie by omission to save her from distress but I can't lie to her face when she asks about her biological father."

"I understand; and thank you Ally. I can't have Gaby looking at me like...like...she's disgusted or disgraced by me. It would break my heart."

"I know Brad and you aren't the same person you were; even I can tell that in the couple of hours we have talked. And trust me, I don't want her to look at you that way either."

Sister decides to first, contact Susan and David and meet with them before telling Marie anything. Their feelings and wishes must be considered.

"Do you want me to talk to them?" Brad asks.

"No; I think I should. I'll write them."

"You know Allyson, we do have technology such as the phone that allows easier and faster communication."

Sister Gerard laughs, hitting Brad on the shoulder.

"Stop being a smarty pants. This method will give us time to process everything."

"Alright; I'm going to trust you. Just remember, I'm pretending everything is okay in my relationship with her and it will not be easy."

"I know and I'm thanking you ahead of time for being patient. I'll write them tonight...I promise."

"Okay."

Sister Gerard opens her car door to get in.

"Oh by the way, she is having a boy."

"I know; she left me a message on my phone."

Brad says goodbye and walks to his car. Sister sits with the key in the ignition and hands on the steering wheel, praying for the right words to come to her in this letter to the Montgomery family. During the drive home, she deliberates over every possible beginning to this letter, creating and revising sentences in her head. Like most writing, the beginning and end are the most difficult, and this letter has to begin with the unwanted truth and end in hope and sympathy. And she doesn't have much time to convey the appropriate sentiment because as soon as the first word is on the paper, she will begin to lose her courage to write it.

When she arrives home, all of her roommates are sitting on the couch watching Project Runway and guessing who would be out this episode.

"Hi Ally. We were about to get worried; you weren't answering your phone. Where were you?"

Sister wants to tell her friends all about her evening, but before she can even think about informing them of her emotional day, she has to get to the task at hand.

"I'll tell you about it in a little while. I need to do something first," and she walks back to her room, shutting the door, and taking out her shoebox of letters from the closet. When she puts the box on the bed, right next to it is an unopened letter; it is from them. Sister immediately sits on her bed and opens it.

Dear Sister,

A lot has been going on with Gabrielle. I don't want you to be alarmed but she is pregnant; and we really don't know how to deal with it. We are lost and confused, and certainly not ready to be grandparents. She is handling it better than we are with grace and integrity. Despite the current circumstances, her schoolwork is still good, she is still fulfilling all of her obligations, and she is still focused. If she decides to keep the baby, we have offered to help her raise it. We have the financial means to support her and her child and we do not want her to miss any opportunities, including going to college.

We are uncertain of the future but we are hopeful that the best decisions will be made and our daughter will still be whatever she wants to be in life. We are scared for her and ask that you pray for her. Even though she hides it well, we know that she is extremely nervous about giving birth; even more so about being a mother. She is just like you in this way; setting these enormous expectations that are almost unreachable. We just have to keep reminding her that she isn't perfect, she doesn't have to be, and we don't demand that of her. We just want her to always do her best.

And it seems her high school life hasn't changed that much. Back in our day, a pregnant student was ostracized; in her case, she still has her popular status, her friends, and even a new boyfriend. Her best friend even called the other day to ask if they could throw a baby shower here at the house. Her old boyfriend Chris was a jerk to her so she dumped him; her new boyfriend Mark seems like a really nice guy and ready to take on the responsibility of a teenage father. It is a little disturbing that teenage pregnancy has become so commonplace that no one is phased by it anymore.

We hope that everything is going well with you and please don't worry about Gabrielle. She is doing so well and carrying herself like a true lady. We know that she will be okay. And here is a picture of her from her 16th birthday party. We hope it brings you some joy.

Sincerely

Susan and David

Sister picks up the picture and looks at it. "That's my baby girl," she says to herself, placing the picture on the dresser in front of her. "What a coincidence," she thinks to herself as she pulls out a pen and paper to respond to a letter for the first time. She decides to make it short and sweet, and save details for their meeting together. Sister writes:

Dear Susan and David,

I do not know how to tell you this and I am asking you to remain calm as you read this letter. A few months ago, a young lady came to me desperate for help. I connected with her and I have been counseling her for the last four months. That young lady was Gabrielle, and I did not know the truth until today when she brought Brad in with her for one of her visits. I have been helping her with her decisions about her pregnancy.

Brad and I have had an extensive conversation and we have decided we want to tell her the truth. However, we would like your input as well because this decision impacts your relationship with her as well. I know I haven't given a lot of details in this letter, but I rather speak to you in person and have a real discussion about what should be done. I would suggest you all come by my office next Wednesday around 5:00pm, if that is possible. You can give me a call on my cell, Brad has the number, to confirm the meeting or suggest a different time.

I hope that we can come to some conclusion about the best action to take and I hope that the truth doesn't hurt Marie more than it has to. I thank you ahead of time for wanting to be so open with her and I apologize for being stubborn about telling her she is adopted. I realize now if she had known, the information she is about to be given would not be so traumatic. Please let me know your decision as soon as you get this letter.

Have a blessed day

Sister Mary Gerard

Sister rereads the letter several times before folding the two pages and putting them in an envelope. She goes over to her side table and opens the drawer to find her stamps. After rustling through the papers and knick knacks, she finds them, places one on the envelope and puts it on her night stand. She stands to go join her friends in the living room, but quickly turns around, picks up the envelope and grabs her coat. She quickly walks through the living room. Sister Robert asks where she is going.

"I have to go put something in the mail," she says closing the door behind her and jogging to the mailbox. Sister knows that allowing that letter to stay in the apartment would most likely cause a restless night. Taking it now also prevents her from changing her mind or delaying the inevitable. After dropping it in the outbox slot, she hurries back to the apartment, just noticing the biting late winter air hitting her face.

When Sister opens the door, her friends have turned off the television and cleared out the recliner so she can sit. They all look at her, waiting for an explanation or reason for her erratic behavior. Sister is swayed by the concern on their faces, and despite her reluctance to divulge the truth, she takes off her coat and sits down to entrust them with her secret.

"So are you going to tell us what's going on?" Sister Luke asks.

Sister Gerard takes a deep breath and looks at Sister Robert for courage. "Yes I am."

# Chapter 8

Allyson would have preferred to go away for Spring Break, even just to her grandparents home in South Carolina, but her parents insisted she come home. She had endured the snickers, stares, and whispers at school and needed to be somewhere comforting and secure. Her home was no longer that place since her parents decided to treat her like a juvenile delinquent. They had threatened to cut her off or take her out of school, but did not follow through with either. Most children would see their decision as compassionate, but Allyson perceived it to be calculated; a small compromise on their part that would lead to a great sacrifice on hers. Now she was just waiting for the conditions in which she could remain in school and keep their financial support.

Clarissa invited her to Savannah, where she was going with her boyfriend Justin, but Allyson didn't want to be the third wheel, especially for a whole week. Many of her friends dismissed her when she started showing; they didn't want to be seen with "the pregnant girl," presumably a whore. Allyson couldn't fully comprehend the transformation of her status from "smart girl" to "slut." The same people treating her like Mary Magdalene were the ones who knew her the best; they knew she wasn't promiscuous yet they were eager to believe the worst of her.

Her professors, however, were a constant; they did not look at her with disappointment but rather embraced her and offered any assistance they could. They were the only reason she got up to go to class in the morning.

She hoped the whispering and snide looks would fade after a couple of weeks, but time didn't squash the gossip. It was difficult to hold her head high with condescending eyes weighing down on her everywhere she went. She did her best to ignore them, but it was hard not to absorb the insults; even though she knew they were just ignorant words, they still affected her self-worth. And she didn't have supportive parents to call for encouragement, so she endured alone.

"Maybe it won't be too bad," she said to Allyson as she stood in her doorway watching Allyson finish packing for the week.

"I hope you are right."

Allyson was anxious about returning home and the anxiety left her unable to comment on the situation. Clarissa offered one more chance to go with them to Savannah, but Allyson declined.

"I've got to face them at some point right?" she said, closing her suitcase and zipping it. "I might as well get it over with; I haven't spoken to them in a month."

"I don't blame you considering how they reacted."

"It could have been worse," Allyson said, struggling to give her parents the benefit of the doubt. She had been trying to do that for the last month, justifying their words and actions and blaming them on shock. "Once they calm down they will be the parents I need," she thinks to herself as she scans the room to make sure she hasn't forgotten anything. Clarissa walked with Allyson to her car.

"I'll call your house when I get there and make sure I give you the phone number to the hotel and the room number."

"Thank you," Allyson said, hugging Clarissa and closing the trunk.

Allyson got in the car and turned the ignition when Clarissa knocked on the driver's side door.

"I have a feeling that everything will be fine Allyson; trust me."

Allyson smiled and rolled up the window. So concerned with her week at home, she hadn't noticed how hot it was outside until she turned the ignition and pulled out from in front of her dorm. When she tried to take a deep breath, the air was hot and sticky. She turned on her air-conditioning and the radio, trying to drown her thoughts with early 90's pop music.

When she pulled up in front of her house, her mom was waiting for her on the front porch. Allyson opened her trunk and got out of the car, acting as if she didn't see her. She took her time, pretending to struggle to get her suitcase and bag out of the car. When she saw her mom begin to walk towards the car, presumably to help, she yanked her luggage out and began walking to the door. She couldn't ignore her mother who had now walked over to grab her small bag.

"Hi honey."

"Hi mom."

Neither one looked excited to see the other. When they got inside, Allyson grabbed the bag from her mom and went straight to her room.

"Do you need help unpacking?"

"No mom; I got it."

"I made your favorite for dinner; roast beef, macaroni and cheese, and baked sweet potatoes. We'll eat as soon as your dad gets home."

Allyson grinned, rolled her eyes, and continued her trek up the stairs. Allyson was confused; she thought she would spend this week sucking up to her parents not the other way around. When she got to her room, or what used to be her room, she placed her suitcase and bag on the bed and immediately began unpacking. Her agenda for the week was to keep as busy as possible, whether it be doing homework or visiting old friends; too much time to think would be a curse.

After stuffing everything she could into the dresser and hanging a few things in the closet, Allyson opened her book-bag to begin reading for English class. She lay back on her bed, knees bent, with Light in August by William Faulkner on her lap. Allyson had to read each page twice, her mind beginning to wander after only a few sentences. After forty-five frustrating minutes and only ten pages later, Allyson put her book on the desk and put her head on her pillow. "Maybe I can just sleep for a week," she said to herself as she closed her eyes.

Allyson was barely into REM sleep when there was a knock.

"Allyson honey, dinner is ready," her mom said peeking through the door.

Allyson sat up on the bed and watched her mom turn and walk away, leaving the door open. She huffed quietly, took a deep breath, and went downstairs where her entire family was waiting for her at the dinner table. She felt like she was walking into a courtroom to hear her sentence; all 4 eyes were on her as she pulled out her chair and sat down.

"Do you have any plans this week?" her dad casually asked.

"No sir," Allyson responded without making eye contact as her mom placed her plate in front of her.

Allyson was afraid to look into her parents' eyes; afraid to see their disappointment and worried they may see the anger in her own. She placed her napkin in her lap and began eating, trying not to look like she was shoveling food in her mouth to get out of this awkward situation as soon as possible. She hoped that she could eat so quickly there would be no time to bring up what no one in the room wanted to talk about but everyone knew needed to be discussed.

"Allyson, we really need to talk about your pregnancy," her mom said.

"Do we have to talk about this now?"

"Yes we do need to talk about it now."

"Your father and I just want to tell you that we are sorry for our unsettling reaction. We were in shock; we wished you had told us, preferably before you were four months along."

By this time Allyson had stopped eating and waited for the ultimatum.

"We just want you to know we love you."

"I know you love me but I was scared. I'm still scared. I have four months left of my pregnancy and I don't know what to expect. I needed you all to be there for me."

"Well we can be here for you now."

Allyson looked her mother in the eye and apologized for her reaction as well; she apologized for telling them she would never want to be the kind of parents they were to her.

"I didn't mean it; I was upset and disappointed. All of the good things I had accomplished in my life were certainly erased by this one incident. I hoped my parents would see me and not what had happened to me."

"And we understand that," interrupted her father. "But we never wanted our daughter to be in this situation. We want you to have a full life and a life without regrets."

"Dad you do realize that's almost impossible. At some point something was going to happen that I was not proud of; this just happens to be the first."

Allyson's Dad looked at her with loving and compassionate eyes as he got up from his seat and knelt down next to her.

"You are my only daughter and I want to protect you from everything, even at the age of twenty-one. It's hard for a dad to let go. I know every little girl grows up; I would have just rather have had my realization of that come in a different way."

Allyson didn't know what to say to her father; he had just opened his heart to her and she grasped the truth of their dramatic and panicked reaction. In that moment he heard his daughter was pregnant, he could no longer see the little girl who sat on his lap steering the car while he drove. He could no longer hold onto the little girl who cried on his shoulder when a boy told her she had cooties. This situation forced him to accept his adult daughter whom he believed would always be his baby.

"Daddy, I'll always be your little girl; just your grown up little girl," and she hugged him around his neck.

Allyson had spent an entire month dissecting their dialogue, facial expressions, and body language to figure out the real reason they were upset. She knew it had to be more than just the pregnancy, and at least for her dad, she finally knew part of the reason for his anger.

"What about you mom?" Allyson asked turning her attention towards her mother who was now clearing the plates.

"What do you mean?"

"All of that rage could not have just been from the fact that I was pregnant?"

Allyson's mother walked over to the table and sat next to her.

"Ally, I felt like a failure as a mother. Not only had my daughter gotten pregnant but she didn't feel like she could confide in me. You didn't trust me not to react irrationally and with malice."

"But mom you did react irrationally."

"Yes I did, but the blow would have been easier two months ago; or even if I had just heard the news from your mouth instead of from some stupid intern."

Allyson hung her head thinking about all of the ways this could have been handled differently. Her mom put her finger on her chin and lifted her head.

"I am not ashamed of you and despite how things happened, I am ready to be that mother you say you need."

"What about all of that stuff about your reputations being tainted?"

Both of her parents looked at each other, unsure of how to answer her question. They regretted even saying those words; they never wanted their child to think their own reputations were more important than her well-being.

"Well we will just deal with it," her Dad said grabbing her hand and kissing it. "We are not ashamed of you and we are still proud of everything you have done. We are even proud of the way you have handled the situation and carried yourself. You made a mistake and you will continue to make them; our job is to be there to support you when you do."

Allyson felt relieved. This place that seemed like a prison when she walked in had transformed back into her home. The mutual understanding that she spent a month seeking was finally present. She could enjoy her week at home instead of dreading each moment, walking on eggshells in her own home to avoid detonating a sensitive and inciting bomb. She didn't have to feel alone and abandoned; she had her family.

Allyson thought after dinner she would be eager to escape back to her room, but instead she and her parents sat in the living room and played Clue. It was a corny family game night, but she enjoyed every moment. They asked her about school, her plans for after graduation, her pregnancy, and her mom even got excited when Allyson said she was having a girl.

"Are you sure you want to give the baby up for adoption?"

Allyson was surprised to hear that question from her mom; taken aback by her subtle desire for her to keep the baby. Over the last month, Allyson's mom had been ruminating on the prospect of having a grandchild, and the news of a girl fueled that excitement.

"Yes mom I am sure I want to give the baby up for adoption. I want to be a nun and I can't keep the baby and become a Sister."

"Well we could take care of it" her mom said.

"Kathy," her Dad said looking at her, knowing where her thoughts were going and stopping further contemplation of raising the child as their own.

"It was just a thought Roger. We have the resources to take care of her and this way she would be taken care of by family."

"But Kathy we don't have the time or the energy. We can't have another baby in the house."

The joy slowly drained from her face.

"It just bothers me this beautiful baby girl is going to be given to strangers."

"Well mom, Brad suggested we let his sister adopt the baby. I haven't really given it much thought but this way the child would stay within the family."

"Brad is the baby's father?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Have you met them?"

"No and that's why I haven't made a final decision yet."

"Now that sounds like a compromise we can live with," Roger said as he began to pack up the game. "Maybe they would let you visit Kathy?"

"Maybe," Kathy said quietly.

Allyson's mom didn't want to think about the issue anymore.

"Mom, are you okay?" Allyson asked seeing the sadness in her mom's eyes.

"I'm fine honey; I just got carried away with the thought of being a grandma."

Allyson's mom got up from the living room couch and walked over to the kitchen to get some water.

"I made peach cobbler for dessert," Kathy said, a large casserole dish in her hands.

Allyson had never thought about her own parents raising the child.The only obstacle was her insistence on remaining absent from the child's life; she wanted to eliminate all temptation to reveal the truth and jeopardize her own future. She didn't want to complicate the child's life or be enticed to resign as a Sister and become a mother as a result of unavoidable and frequent reactions with the baby. And Brad wanted to be in the baby's life and letting his sister adopt would allow him to do that.

As she watched her mom put dessert on the plates, she questioned whether her decision to give the baby up for adoption was selfish. Should she sacrifice what she wants to be a mother? Should she keep the baby and give her mom the pleasure of being a grandmother? Allyson thought she had been considering the best interest of the child, but perhaps adoption wasn't the right choice. Maybe it was her responsibility to make sure the baby had the best possible home; which from what she knew, was right here within these walls. "Maybe I should reconsider," she thought to herself as her family gathered around the television.

***

Returning to campus after Spring Break was hectic, academically and emotionally. Brad thought it was a good idea to tell his parents about his suggestion to give the baby to his sister; therefore when they reunited on campus a week later in the campus bookstore, Brad inundated Allyson with positive feedback from his parents. The added pressure did not relieve any of her stress.

"You sure do have a lot of opinions for someone who said he would let me make the decisions."

"Well I think I should be allowed to give my input; I am the baby's father."

Allyson looked around the bookstore to make sure no one heard him.

"Can we wait until we are outside to continue this conversation?"

Allyson and Brad waited in line silently as they got closer and closer to the register. The silence was uncomfortable so Brad began small talk. He asked her what she did on her Spring Break. She told him about the breakthrough with her parents and he appeared genuinely happy that her relationship with her parents had been repaired. Allyson felt it only fair to inquire about his Spring Break and pretended to be interested in his week at the beach; part of her was jealous of his carefree week and the other part just didn't care.

"I understand that you think that because your sperm decided to dance with my egg and produce a baby means you actually get a say in what happens," she says to him once they are outside.

"Allyson that's exactly what it means."

"Why are you acting like you wanted this baby? Was that your intention all along; to get me pregnant?"

"Hell no," he said, dragging her over to a quiet isolated corner on the side of the building. "I have no interest in being a father; if I did, I would just ask you to relinquish your parental rights and I would keep it. But that isn't in the interest of the child."

"And when have you cared about someone besides yourself?"

Brad was becoming extremely upset. Every chance she had, Allyson would berate him, dwelling on his inadequacies instead of embracing his attempts to redeem himself. Brad felt the progress in their relationship was minimal and would remain that way until Allyson forgave him, or at least recognized his sincerity.

"Ally, you are being a bitch. I'm sorry but you are being a total selfish bitch. I am trying to help; I am trying to be a decent man."

"If you had been a decent man this wouldn't have happened."

When Brad saw the tears rolling down Allyson's face, he knew it would take more time than they had to heal their friendship.

"I am not being a bitch Brad. I don't trust you and you know as well as I do I have every reason not to."

"Can't we get past that?"

"Yes we can, eventually. But it's going to take more than five months and you taking responsibility like you should, to change anything."

"Allyson I'm sorry. I don't know how many times I can say that."

"You can stop saying it; it doesn't help."

Allyson began to walk away but Brad ran in front of her.

"Allyson, I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but I am asking you to find some kind of way to look past what happened and do what's best for our baby girl. My sister would take such great care of her."

"So would MY parents."

"Your parents?"

"Yes; over Spring Break my mom brought up the idea that she would raise the baby as her own."

Brad was surprised she was considering that idea. She had told Brad multiple times that she wanted as much distance from the baby as possible, and now she was pondering the idea of the baby being in her own home.

"Allyson I thought you wanted to distance yourself?"

"I do but you should have seen the look on my mother's face when she thought about being a grandma. I've never seen her so excited. I'm the mother of the child; why shouldn't I consider her staying in my home and being raised by people I know would give her the best life."

"Are you saying my sister wouldn't?"

"I'm not saying that. I'm saying I'm overwhelmed and I need some time to think. Do me a favor and just stay away from me for a while."

Allyson turned to walk away, exhausted from their conversation and unable to further argue about the best interest of their little girl. "I wish this was easier" she said leaning her head down and putting her hand on her stomach. "Do you want to just run away?" she continued. At that moment, with her hand on her stomach, Allyson felt her little girl kick. She refused to look at sonograms or hear the heartbeat, but at this moment she could not deny that a real person was growing inside of her. This wasn't a thing, but a person; a little human being that had to be taken care of and loved. All of her attempts to avoid any connection to the baby crumbled with that one kick.

***

Allyson had spent her Monday afternoon studying, or semi-studying, for her midterms. It was difficult to focus on academics when the reality of being a pregnant twenty-one year old at a Christian College was closing in on her. She could hear snickers, whispers, and giggles all around her when she walked in a room or walked past a group of students. The warm weather had now made it impossible to cover a growing belly with large coats and sweaters. Allyson wanted to enjoy the beginning of spring, but a passing season meant she was that much closer to contractions, pain, and labor. She was not afraid to admit she was terrified.

After wasting two hours in the library, she left campus to visit Sister Mary Joseph. The most calming sound was Sister's voice. And it was truly the only place she could escape the eyes of judgment. Although she had resolved the majority of issues with her parents, she could still hear the disappointment in her mom's voice when she called on Sundays. Clarissa had provided unwavering support and comfort, but it wasn't enough. Sister Mary Joseph was the only person whose voice was louder than all of the doubts in Allyson's head.

When Allyson walked into the office, the chatter was overwhelming. She had never seen the office so busy, especially not to the point where there were young women waiting to be seen. As soon as she walked in the door, a young woman greeted her and introduced herself as Sister Mary Bernard. Allyson told her she was here to see Sister Mary Joseph.

Sister Mary Bernard went to Sister Joseph's office and told her Allyson was here. Although Sister Joseph was currently with a client, and there were many more waiting, she told Sister Bernard that Allyson could come back once she was done. Allyson sat in the waiting area, anxious to speak to Sister Joseph. Her conversation with Brad had shaken her.

By the time Sister Joseph was able to see Allyson, she had fallen asleep in the waiting area, her head resting on the back of the chair. Sister Joseph smiled when she saw her, Allyson's cardigan functioning as a small blanket. For a moment Sister did not want to wake her; these minutes of sleep were probably the only times where she experienced true peace of mind. When Sister Joseph stood next to her, she ran her hand over her hair and then put her hand on Allyson's shoulder as not to startle her. She slowly opened her eyes, Sister Joseph's dark figure slowly becoming clearer as she became more lucid.

Sister Joseph kneeled in front of Allyson.

"I'm sorry it took so long dear. Today has been an abnormally busy day."

"It's okay Sister," Allyson said sitting up in the chair, stretching, and placing her cardigan over her arm. "What time is it Sister?"

"It's about 4:45."

Allyson's eyes widened. The last time she looked at her watch it was 2:30.

"I can't believe I slept for over two hours."

"You've been here that long?" Sister Joseph said as Allyson stood up and began to walk with her back to the office.

"I came as soon as my last class ended which was around 2:10. I really needed to see you; I didn't mind the wait."

Sister Joseph sat down at her desk, Allyson across from her.

"So Allyson, what did you need to speak to me about?"

"It's about Brad. We had a huge fight today."

"What was the fight about?"

"Well he is saying that I'm not allowing him to be an important part of the process."

"Are you?"

"I think I am," she said. Allyson could tell from the look on Sister's face that she didn't entirely believe she was accepting and considerate of Brad's input.

"Okay, maybe I could listen to more of his suggestions. I am having a difficult time believing he has sincere intentions."

"Well honestly dear, I see the opposite. For example, he knows that you want to be a nun so you can't be a mother. However, he wants to still be a part of the child's life. So he took the time to figure out a situation in which he could still be a part of the baby's life and respect your wishes; he suggested his sister adopt the child, which I believe is a great compromise."

"Sister, I'm not even sure I want him in our child's life."

"Why? He seems like he would be great to her; isn't he great to you?"

"Kind of."

Sister Joseph came from behind her desk and sat next to Allyson. She grabbed her hand and faced her.

"There is something you aren't telling me. I'm not sure what it is but there is something you are hiding about your relationship with Brad. I encounter women everyday who would die to be in your position. To have the father of the baby support their decision, whatever that may be. To have a man who actually wants to be a part of the child's life; to have a man by their side, someone to turn to, and a shoulder to cry on."

Allyson knew all of those things. She was smart enough to know that her current situation could be so much worse; she saw it every time she walked into that building. She felt it when she looked into the eyes of other women sitting and waiting. She should have been grateful; she should have been appreciative of Brad's support. She stared at the floor as Sister Joseph brushed Allyson's hair behind her ear.

"Allyson, what are you afraid of?"

"I'm not afraid of anything."

"Then what are you punishing him for?"

Allyson never thought she was punishing Brad, but when Sister Joseph spoke the words, she realized that the more she dismissed him, the better she felt. Subconsciously she had decided to challenge him at every possible moment. Her goal to emasculate him, or at least make him feel like he would never be good enough, never be smart enough, and could never make up for what he had done.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Allyson, you can tell me anything. I hate to sound like an over-the-hill therapist but this is a safe place."

Allyson looked at Sister Joseph, hesitant to divulge the extent of the damage Brad had done. She hadn't told anyone, content to keep it a secret. Out of fear of judgment and criticism, or being labeled a slut, Allyson withheld the truth, even from Clarissa. What would people think of her? She was already the pregnant wannabe nun; how would the complete truth further tarnish her image?

"Allyson, telling me, whatever it is will help. Telling me will help release the anger and resentment that you are clearly repressing. You know you can trust me."

After a few minutes of contemplation, her eyes focused on the sun outside, she took a deep breath. She attempted to access the courage buried beneath her sorrow, sadness, and disappointment, and began to tell Sister Mary Joseph the source of her resentment.

***

"Hey Ally," Brad said, leaning over to the desk next to him where Allyson sat. "Can I see you for a second when class is over?"

Allyson looked over and nodded her head. She expected he would ask her on another date. He had been aware of her future as a nun, but he insisted on going on dates with her anyway. They had already been on two dates and at the end of each date, Allyson made it very clear to him that she did not want a relationship, but would be happy to be friends. She did not let him hold her hand or kiss her goodnight; the only signal that she wanted to give was one of platonic friendship.

Allyson sat on the bench across from the Humanities building in the academic quad and waited for Brad, who was speaking to their professor. With her hands under her legs, she rocked back and forth, watching him approach her, his smile ear to ear.

"Hi," he said, sitting next to her.

"So what's up Brad?"

Allyson had begun to shake, anxious about Brad's intentions. She knew that if he asked her on another date, she would have to say no.

"Wait a second, Brad," Allyson began before he could speak, "I know you like me and we have had a great time on our dates but I don't want to lead you on and if you are about to ask me out again, I'm going to have to go ahead and say no."

Brad looked down and smiled at her. "Ally, I wasn't going to ask you out again."

"Oh," she responded. Allyson was surprised by the small amount of disappointment she felt. The attention that Brad gave her, although unwarranted, was flattering; and she hated to admit it, but even an ego boost. "Oh, then what do you need?"

"Well a bunch of us our getting together tonight in my common room for some pizza and beer. I wanted to know if you'd like to come."

"Brad, I don't know."

"Ally, there will be lots of people there. This is not a date. There will be plenty of people there from our Philosophy class and you can even invite Clarissa."

Allyson hesitated, twiddling her fingers as she looked everywhere except into his eyes.

"Ally, I have fun with you. I know I have no chance of being in a relationship with you but that doesn't mean I don't want to be your friend. Men and women can be friends can't they?"

"I guess," she said lifting her head. "Okay, I'll come by for a little while," she said with hesitation. "What time?"

"Come around 9," Brad said grabbing his backpack and placing his sunglasses back on his face. "Can't wait to see you.there"

Brad had never given Allyson any indication of anything other than pure gentlemanly intentions. Even on their dates, he never asserted himself or made her feel uncomfortable; he never pushed her to do anything she didn't want to do and he treated her like a lady. So Allyson agreed. Brad gave her a hug, thanked her, and hurried to his next class while Allyson took out a book, put on her sunglasses, and read, enjoying the late fall mild weather.

Allyson decided to walk back to her room as the chill of the evening air began to be too uncomfortable to bear. Clarissa was watching television in the common room when she walked through the door.

"We're going to a party tonight."

"A party?! Where?!," Clarissa asked jumping off of the couch with excitement.

"Brad's dorm."

"Oh really?"

"Don't look at me like that. It is completely innocent. He is just having a small gathering and he invited us to join."

Allyson turned and walked away to avoid looking at the expression on Clarissa's face. It didn't work; instead, Clarissa just followed Allyson to her room.

"Are you sure you don't like him?"

"I'm certain."

"Well, he is hot."

"Yes and I'm sure the Catholic Church would make an exception for me due to the fact that Brad is so hot. Clarissa, we could never be more than friends and I don't want more than that."

"Then why do you look like you're about to blow chunks?"

"I'm afraid I'm leading him on," Allyson said plopping down on her bed.

"He knows you want to be a nun and don't want a relationship; you've made that perfectly clear."

"But he keeps asking me out and inviting me to things and flirting. Despite the fact that he knows I'm not looking for a relationship, he seems to keep pursuing me."

"Have you thought about the fact that maybe he just wants to be friends."

"I have; he said that's all he wants. But actions speak louder than words."

"Allyson, at some point you can't be responsible for how people interpret your actions. If he is misreading you, that is on him, not you. And that's no reason to miss out on free pizza and beer."

Both of them laughed.

Allyson spent a couple of hours reading alone in her room before getting ready for the party. She asked Clarissa fifteen times what she should wear before deciding on a casual knee length dress and some flats. Clarissa said that although Allyson wasn't looking for anyone, there may be a hot boy there for her. And the person she came with had to look cute as well. Allyson didn't understand Clarissa's logic, but did as she asked.

Before they could get to the door, Allyson and Clarissa could hear the music and loud chattering coming from Brad's dorm room. They didn't have the chance to knock when the door opened and a girl she recognized as Brenda from philosophy class ran out with some random guy.

"Look's like someone's already found their one night stand," Clarissa said smiling. Despite the hilarity of her comment, Allyson was too nervous to laugh.

"Hey Ally!" Brad yelled walking to the doorway. "Hi Clarissa. I'm glad you all came. There is some beer in the fridge and a huge stack of pizzas on the table. Take whatever you want."

"How about that cute guy in the corner," Clarissa said glancing at Brad.

"Ahhh, that's Ken. He is on the baseball team with me."

"Single?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Have fun guys," she said walking straight to the blonde standing by himself sipping a beer.

"Why don't you come sit down. I'll grab you a beer and a plate."

"Thanks," Allyson said as he guided her to the couch.

Their conversation was awkward in the beginning, full of the small talk they had weeks ago on their first outing. Allyson was not sure what to say to him; she was afraid to say anything that would even hint that she was interested in him. However, being the lightweight that she is, it only took two beers for her to loosen up. She may have been nervous about mixed signals, but especially after seeing him flirt with other women present, she was able to relax and enjoy herself.

Allyson hadn't even noticed when it was midnight and Clarissa came over to tell her she was going to go back to Ken's room.

"Do you think that's a good idea?"

"Yes Ally it's a great idea. Don't wait up!"

Allyson shook her head and rolled her eyes as Clarissa walked out of the door hand in hand with her boy toy.

"I'm sorry Brad but my best friend slash roommate has no shame."

He laughed. Allyson looked at her watch.

"Well Brad I think I should go. It's getting late and I do have class tomorrow."

"Wait, can you stay for just a little while? You are the only one of my friends left."

Allyson looked around the room and saw that all of our classmates and the entire baseball team had left.

"Where did everybody go?"

"Probably to do the same thing Clarissa is doing."

"Okay I'll stay for one more hour but that's it."

Brad smiled and they continued their conversation. Allyson had been so worried about Brad that she never appreciated what a good person he is and how much fun she had spending time with him. She began to feel like they could really be friends.

"Hey guys, we are going to head over to Sadie's. You all want to come?" asked one of his roommates.

"You can go if you want. I need to head back to my room anyway," Allyson said to Brad.

"No you guys go ahead. I'm going to stay here with Ally."

It was a weird moment when the room was suddenly quiet.

"Brad, I really should go and you should go with them."

"You told me you would stay until 1 and it's only 12:30. Besides I need to talk to you."

"About what?"

"Can we go in my room and talk alone?"

"We are alone Brad; everyone is gone."

"I don't want us to get interrupted and this is extremely important."

Allyson sat firm on the couch when Brad grabbed her hand to lead her to his room. Brad could see how uncomfortable she was so he squeezed her hand and smiled in an attempt to soothe her uneasiness. Eventually she got up and followed him to his room where she sat at his desk. He sat across from her on his bed.

"So Brad what's so important."

"I need to tell you something I've been wanting to say this for a long time now."

Allyson's heart began to beat and her knees buckled.

"What is it?" she asked.

"I'm not sure how to say this. I know this wouldn't be exactly what you want to hear or even need to hear right now but I need to tell you."

"What do you need to tell me?"

"I know what you want for your life and as your friend I want you to have what you want and I want you to be happy. But I can't ignore what I want."

"Tell me Brad."

"I'm in love with you."

"What?!" Allyson yelled as she hopped out of her seat in shock. "You're in love with me? You hardly know me."

"I know you enough to have fallen in love with you."

"Why are you telling me this? You know I'm not going to do anything about it. You know I can't."

"Well..." he said, pausing and looking into her eyes.

"You were hoping to change my mind?"

"Well yes. Can't a guy try?"

"I thought you had more respect for me than that," she said as she turned to open the door.

"Allyson wait," he said grabbing her hand and closing the door. "Sit down."

Allyson sat on the bed, Brad next to her.

"Ally I'm sorry. I know it was selfish but I had to tell you."

Brad pulled her hair behind her ear and rubbed his hand across her cheek.

"Have you ever had the feeling that you had to say something or you would burst? I had to tell you how I was feeling."

"I understand Brad and I guess I could have had a more adult and calm reaction but I really thought I was clear about what I wanted."

"You were clear Ally; I just want more than you are willing to give me."

They sat in silence for a few moments. Allyson didn't know how to respond to his declaration and was afraid to further hurt his feelings. She wanted to be honest and straightforward yet tactful.

"Brad I..."

"Ally," Brad interrupted, "have you ever felt like you had to do something or you would regret it for the rest of your life?"

Before Allyson could respond, Brad kissed her; and not just a delicate touching of lips but a passionate thrusting of his mouth upon hers.

"Brad, what are you doing?" Allyson said pushing him away.

"I'm sorry; I just had to kiss you. You are so beautiful Ally; I want you to be mine."

"I'm going to blame your rude and disrespectful actions on the half a case of beers you've had and I'm going to go back to my room."

"Wait, don't go," he said pulling her back on the bed.

Allyson tried to get up and leave again but he pulled her down again, this time laying her on his bed and getting on top of her.

"Brad, what are you dong?! Get off of me," she yelled but Brad continued, kissing her and touching her. She tried yanking his hands away but he was too strong. "Brad, please stop," she yelled again as he pulled up her skirt and put his fingers inside her.

"You know you don't want to be the virgin nun anymore," he said to her. She began to cry when she heard him unzip his pants. With his hand over her mouth he shoved himself inside her. Allyson closed her eyes and imagined she was somewhere else. After a minute, she stopped screaming, aware that between her muffled screams and the loud music still playing in the common room, no one would be able to hear her.

Allyson's mind went to a safe place, Church. She prayed and asked God for it to soon be over. With her head to the side, she attempted to ignore the pain and the horrible feeling of his hand on her. What seemed like hours had only been four minutes and she didn't notice he was done until he kissed her and rolled over.

Without saying one word, Allyson got off of the bed. She turned to look at him, tears running down her face. It was like he hadn't realized what he had done until he saw the sorrow and agony in her eyes, and the blood running down her leg. He immediately jumped up and stood in front of her.

Allyson turned and walked out of his room to the common room door; Brad followed.

Brad went to put his hand on her shoulder but she pulled away. Allyson couldn't think of anything to say. Without thinking she pulled her hand back and slapped him. She grabbed her sweater and walked to her room. "This is a whole new meaning to the phrase walk of shame," she thought to herself, walking as fast as she could to the comfort of her room.

***

"Allyson, darling, why are you just now telling me this? Sister Joseph asked holding her as she cried on her shoulder.

"I was so ashamed Sister. I was so stupid to wear that dress. I was so stupid to go into his room; I was so naïve to think that he wanted to just go in there and talk."

"Allyson, that was not your fault, you hear me," Sister said lifting up Allyson's head and looking her in the eye. "You are not to blame for that. He was the jerk who took advantage of you and violated your trust."

"But I led him on Sister; I shouldn't have even gone to that party but he said he wanted to be friends. I believed him; I believed he was a gentleman and would never do anything like that."

"Allyson, you did not do anything to deserve this. Just from the conversations I've had with him and the things I've seen him do, I would have never guessed he was capable of that. You are not stupid or naïve; you just believed in someone you thought you could trust. You could have run around the quad naked and no one has the right to rape you."

The only sound in the office was that of Allyson gasping as she sobbed. Sister Joseph had been trained to deal with these situations, but this time it was different. Allyson had basically spent the last few months, split between denial and acceptance, debating which one would be worse. By telling someone, she had admitted it occurred; months after the ordeal, she was finally confronting what happened.

She had no idea how long she laid in Sister Joseph's arms and Sister Joseph had begun to cry with her. Sister Joseph had never been this upset about the difficulties of one of her clients. Guilt was even settling because she should have known that something was wrong; she should have paid more attention.

"Now I understand," she said to Allyson. "Now I understand your resentment towards Brad."

"I was hoping to avoid this conversation; I wanted to suppress my feelings and move on."

"You can't move on until you talk about it and let it go."

Allyson sat up and looked at Sister who was wiping the tears off of her own face.

"Allyson, why didn't you tell the police?"

"The same reason I didn't tell you, shame. And I don't want to tell the police."

"Allyson, although Brad is doing the right thing now, it doesn't make up for what he did to you."

Allyson stood up and began to pace the room. This debate had played over and over in her head. She had to figure out if she wanted justice. That night as she walked to her room, craving a cleansing shower, she thought about the consequences of washing away the evidence; and she was okay with that. That night she had decided his arrest and conviction would not help her feel better or make her whole again.

"Sister, forgiveness usually helps but in this case. I thought I forgave him but I didn't. I just tried to forget what happened. It was difficult to face him. I was still angry, upset, disappointed, ashamed, and depressed. I struggled; if I had truly forgiven him, I shouldn't have felt these things anymore. I shouldn't be angry anymore; I shouldn't want to punish him."

"Allyson, you can't help how you feel. Those feelings are natural and you should feel them. The more you suppress them, the harder it will be when they decide to surface on their own, most likely in the most inopportune moment."

"What do I do now Sister? I'm finally feeling all of this and it is utterly overwhelming."

"I am going to encourage you to press charges but I can't make you."

"Sister, this happened months ago."

"You are still within the statute of limitations."

"How have your other clients felt after pressing charges? Did it help?"

The truth was that for most of her clients, pressing charges didn't bring the closure they wanted but Sister was obligated to suggest they take legal action.

"Honestly, it didn't hurt...but it didn't help either. For a lot of them it rehashed memories they were desperately trying to forget."

"Exactly Sister; I decided and still believe prosecuting him will not help me. I want to completely forgive him. You have to admit he is trying."

"He is attempting to redeem himself. I just want to make sure that is enough for you."

"It is Sister."

"Then I will do my best to help you get through this."

"You won't be mean to him will you Sister?"

"No Allyson; it isn't in my nature to judge. I will ask him to get counseling though so he is able to control himself and learn to have more respect for women."

"If he is willing to do all of that, you will stop insisting on criminal charges?"

"No Allyson, I will stop insisting now. You know what is best for you and it is my job to protect and support you."

"Thank you Sister."

"We have so much more to discuss now. Would you like to go for a walk? We can begin repairing the scars to your spirit."

"I'd like that."

# Chapter 9

Sister Gerard's arms are tense as she holds tightly to the steering wheel, making her way to Panera Bread for lunch with Brad, Susan, and David. Just thinking about that phone call she received two days ago turns her stomach. "How could I have been so naïve to think I could hide this," she thinks to herself waiting for the light to change in front of The Summit. She still thinks a meeting at her office would have been better, but Susan and David insisted lunch would provide a more relaxing environment.

It had been sixteen years since she had seen Susan and David, and she is anticipating the "I told you so," look from them the moment she sees their faces. She doesn't know if she can even make eye contact, afraid they will see the shame and regret reflected in her eyes.

She takes a deep breath before getting out of the car and walking to the front door. Brad is standing there waiting for her.

"Hi Ally," he says hugging her. She puts her arms around him and unexpectedly squeezes. He lays his head on top of hers and whispers, "everything will be okay."

"I'm so worried what your sister thinks of me. She told me it was a bad idea to hide it from her in the beginning and I was too selfish to listen."

"Allyson, you did the best you could at the time. No one is blaming you for this; we just want to do what is best for Gaby."

When they walk in, Susan and David are standing by the door and greet Sister with a hug.

"I'm so sorry about this," Susan says to her as she pulls away.

Sister is not sure how to respond.

"Well why don't we order and then talk. We can sit outside; it's a beautiful day," Susan says.

Sister does not respond, but instead looks at Brad. Although the pleasantries were comforting, in a way she feels worse. It's like when you have disobeyed your mother or done something to hurt her, and instead of yelling and screaming she doesn't say anything.

Sister scans the menu many times before deciding just to get a bagel and drink; that is all her stomach can handle right now. The first few minutes at the table are silent, no one knowing exactly what to say.

"I'm sorry Sister that you had to find out that way.'

Sister puts down her bagel. "Thank you but it's not your fault. Marie...I mean Gabrielle...should have known a long time ago she was adopted. This is my fault."

"No Ally, it's not your fault. You thought it would be best that she never know she was adopted. You didn't want her to ever feel abandoned; your intentions were good. It's not going to help anyone if you beat yourself up about it."

Sister just takes a bite of her bagel and waits for someone else to continue the conversation.

"I think we should tell her all together," David suggests.

"You don't think she might be a little overwhelmed?" Brad asks.

"Well do we slowly pull off the band-aid or just rip it off?" David asks.

"So should we betray her in one visit or prolong the pain over a few days or weeks." Sister Gerard says.

Brad puts his hand on Sister's back, trying to calm her.

"I think telling her at once will be overwhelming, but I think that is what's best. I believe that in terms of her ability to handle it, it will be better to tell her everything at once.'

"I can't believe I didn't know. I can't believe I didn't notice she had my eyes, my lips, my quirks, and your nose Brad. I can't believe I didn't see myself in her. What kind of mother am I that I didn't even recognize my own daughter?"

Sister is unable to concentrate on the task at hand, her mind constantly drifting to the things she should have done.

"Maybe we should talk about this later; give you some time," Brad suggests.

"No," Sister responds immediately. "I can't be selfish. For Gabrielle's sake, we need to take care of this now. I will say, I agree we should tell her everything at once; we will all be there for her."

"Are you sure?" Brad looks at her and asks.

"Yes I am sure. Besides, this way she can also go ahead and get some of her anger out in a safe environment."

"We need to let her say whatever she needs to say," Brad adds, "no matter how much it may hurt. And she is probably going to say some mean shit."

Susan gives Brad a disheartened look.

"What?! Sis, you know she is. What would you say if you found out at the age of 16, well after you are able to understand, that you are adopted, your uncle is really your father, and the Sister you have been going to see for guidance and support is your mother."

"I would be pissed," Susan says.

"Then lets make sure we listen and be prepared to take whatever she has to give," David says finally joining the conversation. "I do have one question for you Sister," David continues.

"Yes?"

"After the dust has settled and Gaby has grieved and forgiven, will you want a relationship with her?"

Sister has not thought about whether or not she wants a relationship with Marie. She didn't think Marie would want one after hearing the truth.

"Honestly David I haven't thought about it."

"No matter how angry she may be or betrayed she may feel, I guarantee she will want a relationship with you; a girl wants to know her mother."

"You don't think that would be weird?" Sister asks.

"I think it would be weird to suddenly disappear from her life after you find out she's your daughter," Brad says. "She would probably feel even more abandoned."

"If you decide you would like to get to know her as your daughter, we are happy to support you," Susan says smiling.

"Thank you," she says, her eyes watering.

"Will that be okay with your order?" David asks.

"Yes it will." The tension and stress of the conversation begins to ease as a plan is conceived. They decide to all meet the following week at Susan and David's house on Saturday. There aren't the perfect words to lessen Marie's pain or alleviate the shock of the truth. No matter how many times they rehearse the conversation, they are unable to predict Marie's reaction. There will be no immediate comfort in truth.

After lunch, Sister Gerard drives back to her office, her eyes blurred during her commute. Every time she wipes her eyes, more water fills them. She contemplates pulling over, but she wants to get back to the comfort of her office as quickly as possible.

Arriving back at her office, she avoids eye contact with anyone, hurrying back and closing the door. Exhausted, she lays down on the couch. There is a knock on her door, but the sound is muffled by her cries and the deafening thoughts running through her mind. The knock on the door becomes louder. "Allyson, it's Grace. Are you okay? Do you need to talk?" Sister Robert waits for a response but doesn't hear anything. She opens the door and sees Sister Gerard laying on the couch, her head buried in a throw pillow.

"Allyson, do you want to talk?" she asks closing the door behind her.

Sister Gerard shakes her head, remaining face down on the couch. Sister Robert sits on the coffee table across from her and rubs her back. Sister Robert is speechless, hesitating to speak every time words come to her. She chooses silence as the best comfort.

When her hand becomes tired, Sister Robert moves to the chair opposite the sofa and patiently waits. Thirty minutes after Sister Robert comes into the office, Sister Gerard finally sits up and puts her feet on the ground. She focuses her red eyes on Sister Robert who is sitting across from her, head in her hands.

"Thank you Grace."

"You are welcome," she says moving next to her. "Do you feel any better?"

"I feel a little better. I definitely needed to let that out. Lunch wasn't exactly the most pleasant experience."

"Were they mean or agitated?"

"Actually, they were the opposite. They were calm and understanding. They were comforting and nonjudgmental; made me feel worse."

Sister Gerard gets up and walks to her desk, pulling out the picture she received of Marie in the mail the previous week.

"This is her. This is my daughter."

Sister Robert grabs the picture and looks at it, absorbing every detail and feature of the young woman.

"She looks like you."

"I know. That's the insane part; how could I not have recognized my own daughter?"

"Ally, the last time you saw her was the day she was born. It's reasonable to assume you wouldn't have recognized her."

"I know but you always hear about those mothers who give up their children and just know when they meet them. They feel it."

"You watch too many Lifetime movies."

Sister Gerard giggles, the first time anything but a smirk or frown has been on her face all day. "Grace, I'm serious."

"I know you are Ally. But you really need to stop blaming yourself. There is no way you could have predicted this would happen."

"But as the person who took care of her for nine months, and who was supposed to do what was always in her best interest, I should have thought about the consequences of hiding her adoption."

"You did the best you could with the information you had. You were only twenty-one; you couldn't have known what was going to happen 16 years later. You couldn't have seen this."

"But..."

"But what Allyson? When are you going to stop punishing yourself? You aren't clairvoyant; you can't predict the future. When you had her you decided that it would be best for her not to know she was adopted. You had wonderful intentions."

"Wonderful intentions don't make up for hurtful actions. My motives are no excuse for not telling the truth."

"Maybe not but can you change that?"

Sister Gerard looks at Sister Robert and shakes her head. She begins to pace the room.

"Exactly Ally; you cannot change the past. All you can do is deal with the present."

"Nothing I do is going to make up for this. Nothing I do is going to make up for the pain I'm about to cause my own daughter. I can't believe I did whatever I could to prevent this and I ended up doing exactly what I tried so hard not to."

"Allyson," Sister Robert says putting her arm around her friend. "I'm not going to lie, honey; Marie is going to be very upset, at all of you. But after the pain and betrayal subside, she will forgive, and both of you can move forward in whatever capacity you all decide."

"Are you sure?"

Sister Robert doesn't know if Marie will be able to understand Sister's reasons for giving her up; her reasons for choosing a vocation over being a mother. What may be more difficult to handle is her reason for wanting Susan and David to continuously hide the truth.

"I'm not sure Ally but I have hope. You have to have hope. If she's anything like you, which you say she is, she will forgive you."

"You know, during lunch David asked me if I wanted a relationship with her. I hadn't even thought about that; I'd only thought about Marie despising me."

"Well I'm sure you want a relationship with her."

"I do Grace; I would love that. But that will be in Marie's hands. I can't have a relationship with her if she doesn't want one."

Sister Gerard sits down at her desk; Sister Robert follows and stands in front of her.

"If one of your clients came in and started talking like you are right now, you would tell them not to. You would encourage them to have faith and make the best of the situation. You would encourage them to believe."

Sister Gerard lays her heads in her hands. She knows she can't go back and change what has been done. "Lord grant me the serenity to know the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference," she repeats to herself over and over. Sister Robert turns to walk away.

"Wait Gracie," she says getting up and giving her a hug. "Thank you. Thank you for trying to help."

"You are welcome," she responds, holding her tight. "You will be fine; everything will be fine. You know they will."

Sister Robert turns and walks out of the office. Sister Gerard sits at her desk and turns on her computer. Realizing the time, she works on the expansion project for the center before her late afternoon appointment with her new client.

She has had to mentally put aside the center's expansion for days, focusing on her immediate problem. Meetings have been postponed and phone calls rescheduled, and despite a complete resolution, she has to rededicate herself to her duties. Right now she needs to relax, clear her mind, take a few deep breaths, and open herself up to the new client about to come into her office.

She pulls out her planner searching for the name of the girl coming in about fifteen minutes. With all of the distractions, her mental sharpness hasn't been the same; usually she doesn't even need to write down their names. She hurriedly looks through the planner, trying to remember when she made the appointment; most likely the girl's name would be listed under that date. After ten minutes of flipping through her planner multiple times, she finds the name "Christina" buried under five post-its all on February 6th. Now a week later, she cannot remember the client's issues or concerns.

Sitting in the lobby Sister finds a young woman sitting on one of the sofas, legs crossed and cell phone in hand. Her perfect image of designer jeans, curly strawberry blonde hair, four inch pumps, and Dior bag would give the impression of a minor problem, but when people try too hard to present themselves in a certain way, it means they are hiding something.

"Christina?" Sister Gerard walks up to her saying, "I'm Sister Gerard."

"Hi Sister; I'm Christina, but everyone calls me Christy."

"Hi Christy. Why don't you come back to my office and we can talk."

Christina follows her to the office, making observations of the environment. She looks around to see the other types of women present, most of them appearing like they are in a far more dire situations than she believes herself to be.

"So, what brings you here to see me today?"

"Actually I'm not sure. I don't really think I need to be here; my best friend convinced me to come."

Sister Gerard has seen this many times; the immediate denial of the severity of a situation. She didn't need to hear anything else; she knows this young woman is in more trouble than she realizes.

"Well what is your best friend so concerned about?"

"She doesn't like my boyfriend because he gets a little rough with me."

"A little rough?"

"Yeah; she has seen him shove me a couple of times and yell at me. She says he is being abusive but I don't think so. I mean my boyfriend is a football player; he is naturally aggressive. Besides he can be so sweet sometimes and he always apologizes for being that way and totally makes it up to me."

"How does he do that?"

"He buys me flowers, candy, takes me out to the movies, takes me to fancy restaurants, and pampers me. It is so adorable."

"But he doesn't stop?"

Christina breaks eye contact with Sister.

"Well...I mean. He is under so much pressure with sports and school. And sometimes I do stuff."

"What kind of stuff will you do?"

"Sometimes I am extremely late for our dates or I disrupt him while he is doing something important."

"Does he call you names?"

"Sometimes."

"What does he call you?"

"Does it matter what he calls me? It's not that big of a deal right?"

If she says the names, it makes them real. Christina tells Sister she loves him and adores him. She goes on and on about how he is the best boyfriend she has ever had. She talks about the sweet things he does for her and all of the gifts she has received.

"So your best friend believes your boyfriend is abusing you and you believe she is overreacting?"

"Exactly; he isn't abusing me. It only happens like once a week; that's not abuse right?"

"It sounds like you want me to validate what you believe."

"I want you to tell me I'm right so my best friend will get off my back about it."

"You know, my mom told me something very important about relationships and people when I was in college. She said that you shouldn't keep apologizing for something you continue to do. She said you should just stop doing it."

"But he is sorry. He loves me; he wouldn't intentionally hurt me. I do things to make him mad; I should be a better girlfriend."

Sister Gerard keeps pictures of women she has had to come visit at the hospital in her drawer; sometimes she has to do something drastic.

"You seem like a smart girl Christina; extremely intelligent actually. So why do you believe that him shoving you, hitting you, and talking about you are signs of love?"

She can see the frustration in Christina's face. She senses Christina's internal conflict and waits patiently for her to respond.

"Let me show you something," Sister says as she pulls out a picture of a young woman lying in a hospital bed covered in bruises.

"This is a young woman I helped a couple of years ago. She came to me and sat across from my desk and said the same things to me that you are saying right now. Same tone, same behavior in her boyfriend, same excuses and same reasoning. He started off just hitting her once in a while, and calling her names occasionally. Two months later she landed in the hospital with these injuries. I don't want this to happen to you."

"This isn't going to happen to me. He loves me and he would never..."

"She said the same thing."

"She must have done something really bad though right?"

"No woman, no matter what they do or say, deserves to be beaten like this."

It is like the first time Sister Gerard has truly listened to her own words, pausing and thinking about the last sixteen years of her life. The cycle of self-blame and shame continues to plague her life. Her inability to see the truth of the situation due to the crippling nature of hindsight, causes her to rethink the things she could have done differently.

Christina begins to cry as she is unable to take her eyes away from that picture.

"This may not happen to you Christy; he may never take it this far. But do you really want to take the chance that he will?"

This is the point where Sister Gerard is always nervous. Some women accept her words of caution and accept her help immediately. Some calmly walk out of her office unable to believe they are in the situation she described. For these women she usually calls twice a week to check on them and let them know she is there when they are ready to confront the truth. And some storm out angry and upset at her assumptions; claiming she knows nothing about their lives and what they are going through. Unfortunately, most of those women she never sees again. Even more unfortunate some of them she does, critically injured or dead.

"I can't believe he would ever do something like that."

"People are capable of anything in the right situation under the right circumstances."

"But like you said, I'm smart. I would know if someone is abusing me. I'm not one of those wimpy stupid girls who lets a guy run all over her. I know what abuse looks like."

"Christy, for most people, they don't know they are in a dream until they wake up."

Christina begins to pace around the room, looking at Sister Gerard, then the wall, then the floor, and then repeating the process.

"Maybe I should talk to him about it? Ask him to stop hitting me? Tell him how it makes me feel?"

"What do you feel? You haven't even told me. What do you think and feel after his, let's call them, moments."

Sister Gerard has learned over the years that verbal sensitivity is necessary to achieving awareness. She can't be aggressive, harsh, and forward.

"I feel...belittled, hurt, depressed, and...worthless."

Christina's chin falls to her chest and the color fades from her face.

"Do you think he will eventually stop?" Sister Gerard asks.

"I hope he does. I hope it is just stress and at some point he will see what he is doing to me. I'm hoping he will change for me; he will see the love I have for him and want to return it."

"Has he ever told you he loves you?"

"Yes."

"Do you honestly believe him?"

"Yes!" Christina says assertively.

"Are you certain?"

"I don't know," Christina says suddenly bursting into tears and grabbing a Kleenex from the desk.

"Who is a man in your life who tells you they love you everyday?"

"My older brother John."

"And you believe him?"

"Yes, definitely."

"And does John treat you the same way your boyfriend does?"

Christina sits in silence for a moment contemplating. Christina replays every moment of their relationship in her mind; analyzing every interaction. Christina desperately searches for a moment that mimics her brother.

"No, Andrew doesn't treat me the same way. But that's different; Josh is family."

"But Christy, love is love."

It is a difficult realization when a woman comes to terms with the truth of a situation whose danger should have been obvious. A woman can feel stupid, blind, ashamed, and resentful; Sister wants to ease those feelings as much as she can.

"Christy, I can be wrong. Take these pamphlets and look them over; see if your relationship with Andrew matches anything you read. And give me a call tomorrow after you've looked over the information; you can even just come by after school if you'd like."

Christy grabs the pamphlets and briefly scans them. She shuffles through them a few times before abruptly standing up, grabbing her jacket, and walking to the door.

"Thank you Sister for all of your help," she says turning and walking away.

Sister Gerard watches her walk away, and before she can even take a deep breath, Christy rushes back to the threshold.

"So...if my boyfriend is abusing me, will you be able to help me?"

"In any way I can; in whatever capacity you want me to help."

Christy nods her head, her face void of expression, and she disappears out of sight. Sister Gerard waits a moment just in case Christy needs something else, but after five minutes Sister realizes she has left.

Despite being taught to allow some emotional distance with the women, every new interaction still weighs heavily on Sister's heart. "It's impossible to not care too much," she says to herself as she pulls out her cell phone. She has a couple of missed calls from the Bishop's office and one text message. "Sister, I'd like to come by the day after tomorrow just to talk. Is that okay?"

She responds to Marie's text, "That would be wonderful." Sister pauses before pressing the send button, contemplating the potential awkwardness of continuing to help Marie. After staring at the phone, she hits the send button and throws her phone back in her purse.

Sitting at her desk, Sister can feel the room suffocating her; at this moment, she is so emotionally overwhelmed she cannot breathe. She retreats to the chapel for a peaceful conversation with God.

She sits down in front of the altar, leaning back on the pew. She gazes at the Crucifix on the back wall, deciding the best way to begin her prayer.

"God, thanks for the mess," she says with a big sigh and hanging her head. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just extremely frustrated and confused. I looked at that girl today and I saw myself. I saw the self-blame. I saw the insecurity and shame. I saw the devising of hundreds of excuses and the subsequent denial. And ultimately I saw everything I should have done sixteen years ago. I see in these girls more strength and courage than I ever had. I thought I could handle what happened to me. I thought that the quicker I moved on, the better it would be for me. I imagined my life could move forward without me ever confronting my past. And now, at the mature age of 38 I have discovered the flaws in my plan. I am going to get the help I need, something I should have done years ago. I can't do this alone. And that's okay."

Sister Gerard lingers for a moment on her last statement. She has always been taught to be a strong independent woman, and any small showing of weakness would hinder her growth. She believed that asking for help meant she was incapable of taking care of herself. Now, she realizes that by not asking for help, she has become the stupid self-destructive woman she spent all of her life attempting to avoid.

"I can't believe I didn't see it until now," she says beginning to cry. "I spent so much time suppressing my own cry for help, I ultimately sentenced myself to have some breakdown of this sort. I set my own self-destruction in motion. I buried my soul beneath a lot of feelings I wasn't ready to admit to and now I have to find it again. I need Your help to discover my soul again; to discover my "self" beyond the incident. All of these years I have been telling women of all ages that there is no shame in asking for help. It does not make you defenseless or meek, and here I am living my life content to be discontent, angry, unhappy, and bitter. You know what God, I didn't forgive Brad. I did my best to forget; I piled whatever experiences I could on top of that one to try to hide it from my own cognition. Forgiving him would have meant that I had to actually recognize it happened and I couldn't do that. Something like that couldn't happen to me; not to a good girl like me."

Sister Gerard doesn't notice her voice becoming louder and louder, and filled with anger. There isn't anger towards God, or even the random suffering of life, but it is directed towards herself. It is terrifying to realize that it wasn't some awful pre-destined will that brought her to this point, but her own choices to erase any evidence that her life was anything but perfect.

"I was raped God; I was raped. I went through that immense trauma and tried to handle it alone, thinking I could. I need to handle it now, but even you aren't enough. I don't want to be stuck anymore."

Sister Gerard's head falls heavily into her hands as she attempts to catch her breath. Sister Robert passes by and hears but decides to leave her alone.

"You know what God, I don't want to just exist anymore; I want to live."

With that, Sister Gerard stands up, says Amen, and walks back to her office. She is flabbergasted that she has spent her career encouraging others to seek support in tragedy or distress, yet she has not yet heeded her own advice. Sister takes out her phone and calls her doctor.

"Good afternoon, Doctor Bradley's office. May I help you?"

"Yes, hi Susan, this is Sister Gerard. How are you?"

"Oh, Sister, it's so great to hear from you. I'm doing well. How are you?"

"Blessed as usual. Is Doctor Bradley available?"

"Hold one moment."

Sister Gerard listens to the elevator music as she waits for the doctor. She begins to drum her fingers with the increased tempo of the classical music.

"Doctor Bradley."

"Hi Doctor Bradley; it's Sister Gerard."

"Hi Sister. Is it time for your yearly checkup already?"

"No sir. I was actually calling because I needed your help."

"Yes, anything for you Sister."

"Do you know the name of a good therapist. Perhaps one who specializes in trauma, especially rape."

"I'm sure I could get a few names for you; I don't know anyone off the top of my head. Is this for a client?"

"No, it's for me."

***

Marie can't resist picking up every onesie she sees as she walks through the baby section at Macy's.

"Come on Mom, he will be a rock star one day," Marie says with a smile.

"Perhaps, but he doesn't have to have a onesie that says it."

Susan fingers through what seems like 20 onesies that Marie has picked out.

"You know your little boy is going to have an ego the size of Montana if you buy him one that says 'Could I Be Any Cuter.'"

"Mom, it's just an outfit. It's not like he is going to know what it says, yet alone what it means. What about this one?" Marie asks holding up a green one that says little monster.

"Don't tempt fate honey," Susan says turning around and walking to another rack.

While Marie continues browsing through cute outfits, Susan returns, her arms full.

"What is all of that mom?"

"These are some of the basics you will need; socks, t-shirts, and I even found this cute diaper bag."

"Thanks," Marie says abruptly and returns back to a blue shirt that says prince charming.

For Susan, watching her daughter pick out baby clothes is bittersweet. She enjoys seeing the look on her daughter's face as she picks out clothes, but is worried she is not prepared for the harsh reality of raising a child at a young age.

"Honey, I need to ask you something and I don't want you to get mad at me."

"What is it mom?"

"Are you sure you want to keep the baby?" she asks after taking a deep breath. "It's not too late to give it up for adoption."

Marie continues looking at clothes, pretending she didn't hear the question. After waiting a couple of minutes, Susan puts her hand on her daughter's shoulder.

"Would you please answer my question?"

"Do we have to talk about this now? Isn't this supposed to be a fun mother/daughter day shopping for baby stuff?"

"I'm sorry darling but we do need to talk about this now."

"Mom, I'm sure I want to keep it. I've thought about it long and hard and I want to do this."

"I know you want to. That's not the question. The question is should you. I'm not sure you understand what's going to happen after this baby is born."

"I do understand," Marie says slightly rolling her eyes at her mother and walking away. They have had this conversation many times before and she is tired of hearing all of the reasons she shouldn't keep it. Susan walks in front of her, stopping her in the middle of the aisle.

"So you are ready to give up hanging out with your friends. You are ready to get up two maybe three times a night for feedings. You are ready to go to school, come home and do homework and take care of the baby. You are ready for multiple doctor's visits, taking him to daycare, picking him up, and having your life turned upside down. You are ready to spend a lot less time with your boyfriend. You are ready for all of that?"

Marie's confident expression slowly slips into soft panic. She had honestly thought about these things, but hearing them was different. She doesn't want to give up those things, but her responsibility to her son has begun to overshadow any other future potential experiences.

"Mom, I should be willing to sacrifice all of those things for my son."

"But you don't have to."

"Don't I? I'm the one who messed around and got pregnant. Now I have to deal with the consequences."

"Sweetheart, a good mom does what's best for her child."

"And what's best for him is that he knows his mom did not abandon him and give him to strangers because she was too selfish to take care of him."

This statement shakes Susan.

"Marie, it is not selfish to do what's best for the baby. A good mother will give up her baby for adoption if she knows she cannot provide the life he or she deserves."

"But I can provide the best life. I don't want him to feel unwanted."

"Marie, your little boy is a precious life that requires so much more attention and care than you can give him. If you give him up for adoption, when he is older he will understand you did what was best for him."

"Mom, I already love him; I am already in love with this baby. I can't give him up."

Marie and Susan have made their way to the checkout counter and have momentarily ceased their conversation until they are alone again. On top of her own fears about her daughter's choice, are the fears of her own choices. She may have been respecting Sister Gerard's wishes, but she could have told Marie the truth at any time. Now the lies will cause more damage than the truth would have years ago if she had only revealed it to her.

"What are you going to do after you graduate?" Susan asks as they make their way to the car.

"Go to college."

"How are you going to do that with a baby?"

"I'll figure something out. You will help won't you?"

"Marie, I will help as much as I can but I still have a full time job. I still have my own work to do and so does your father. We agreed to pay for college; we didn't agree to pay for all of your expenses."

"So you are just going to financially abandon me?"

"I didn't say that."

"I can't believe this," Marie says and slams the car door.

"Marie, your father and I didn't financially plan for this," she says slipping into the driver's seat.

"I know but...I thought you would help."

"We will help you but you have to take some financial responsibility for this. You are going to have to work."

"Ugh! I feel like I'm being punished."

Susan leans back in the seat, the keys in the ignition.

"I'm not trying to punish you; this is reality. You said yourself you wanted to take responsibility for your actions so you are going to have to."

"It's not like I was irresponsible; the fucking condom broke."

"Yeah, but you were too young to have sex in the first place. You didn't think about the possibility of this beforehand. If you had and had come to me, I could have put you on birth control. If you had come to talk to me afterwards and told me what happened, I could have gotten you Plan B. If you had come to me, I could have done something."

"I know! I know! I'm a terribly irresponsible person and I should have thought of these things. I made the wrong choices. Fine! I'll pay for my mistakes."

"You are not terribly irresponsible. You just made some bad choices; you aren't the only person on the planet who does."

Susan grabs her hand. "We will do whatever we can to help. You don't have to get a full time job but you will have to work and help. You will have to go to a college here in Birmingham so you can stay home and help take care of your son."

Not until this moment has Marie realized how much her life is going to change with the birth of her baby. The life she had imagined is now impossible. The senior year and college life that all of her friends will be experiencing she will miss. She has to go ahead and throw away those applications to Stanford, UCLA, and Princeton. She can cancel her meeting with an admissions representative from Brown the following month.

"So basically my options are Birmingham Southern, Samford, and UAB?" Marie says staring out of the front windshield.

"Honey, those are all great schools, especially Birmingham Southern. Both your father and I graduated from there."

"I guess I have to get used to settling."

Susan begins to sadden witnessing her daughter succumb to the burden of her future. She had never seen genuine terror in her daughter's eyes, but in this moment, she sees a quiet fear overcome her usual calm and collected expression.

Marie's anger slowly subsides and she begins to tear up. With water in her eyes she turns to her mother.

"Mom, am I going to lose my life? Give up every dream and ambition I have to my son?"

Susan contemplates minimizing the truth to protect her daughter. But she knows a little white lie right now will only leave her daughter unprepared for the drastic changes she will have to make in her life.

"Gaby, look at me. Look at me. Do I look unhappy? You and your brother have been the best things in my life and I do not regret having my family at a young age. Yes, there are things that I wanted to do that I had to forego when we started our family, but that doesn't mean I will never be able to do them. And there are beautiful things I've experienced that I wouldn't have if I had stayed unmarried and single."

"Mom, you sound like a self-help book."

Both of them giggle and Susan starts to run her fingers through her daughter's hair.

"I'm just trying to tell you that your life isn't doomed. Your life will just be different than you expected, not necessarily worse. And you won't have to do this alone."

Susan reaches and holds her daughter, trying to provide physical comfort that may substitute for her mental and emotional anguish.

"Mom, I hate to admit it, but I'm scared."

"Honey, I was scared when I was pregnant with you and I had my college degree, a job, and a husband. It doesn't matter your situation, being a mother is scary."

Marie wipes the tears off of her face and sits up in the passenger seat, putting on her seatbelt as Susan starts the car. Her mind swimming with thoughts, most of them of regret, she barely notices her mom pull up to TCBY, her favorite place to get dessert.

"Come on Gaby; I think this afternoon calls for some indulgence."

Marie gets out of the car and walks into TCBY with her mom. She hopes each spoonful of yogurt will help her forget, if only for a few moments, her upcoming life as a teenage mom.

Sister Mary Gerard sits in her office reading over a litany of documents that had piled on her desk the previous week. Among the documents are requests from the Bishop on changes that need to be made to the plans for the center, paperwork on new clients sent to her by Sister Luke from the high school, and packets from Sister Mary Robert about the five novices that need to be interviewed and their progress reviewed. She is not sure how all of this became her responsibility, and usually she would welcome the work, but now she is too distracted by life to help anyone else deal with theirs.

As she shuffles through her responsibilities, prioritizing everything, Sister Robert knocks on her door.

"Hi Ally," Sister Robert says opening the door and sticking her head in.

"Hi Grace," she says not lifting her head from the work in front of her.

"Have you had a chance to look at the packets?"

"Yes Grace, briefly."

"When do you think you would be able to do them?"

"I'm not sure; I'll let you know later this week."

Grace walks in and sits in front of the desk.

"Ally, I really do need to know so I can schedule their other activities."

"Grace!" she says raising her voice.

Sister Robert's eyes widen.

"I'm sorry Grace. I just have a lot on my plate right now and I would really appreciate if you would give me some time; or you can ask someone else."

Sister Robert is surprised by her words. She has never seen Sister Gerard so stressed and frustrated.

"Ally, are you okay?"

Sister Gerard throws down her pen and lifts up her head.

"I have to do five interviews as you have said this week, I have to finish the plans for the new center, I have about four new clients that Sister Luke would like me to meet with from the school, and to top it all off, in two weeks I have to tell one of my clients that I am her mother and explain why I gave her up. So, no, I'm not okay."

Sister Robert sits in silence uncertain of what to say.

"Allyson, I'm not sure what to say. I'm pretty sure anything I say right now would be the wrong thing to say so I'm just going to leave."

Sister Robert stands up and slowly walks toward the door, expecting Sister Gerard to say something, an apology or simply ask her to stop and sit down. Those words never come and she walks out, closing the door behind her. Although Sister Gerard feels she may have hurt her best friend's feelings, there are so many emotions going through her right now she is unable to sort them, so she ignores all of them.

She takes a moment to contemplate what she should say when she gets home, but considering her workload, she is forced to go back to the piles of paper sitting on her desk.

Thirty minutes later, she is disrupted again by a frantic knock on her door. With a heavy sigh, she puts down her work and sits back in her chair.

"Come in."

Her frustration immediately subsides when she sees Marie standing at her door.

"Hi Marie," she says composing herself.

"Hi Sister," she says, sitting down in front of the desk, appearing upset and confused.

"What brings you here today honey?"

"I'm really confused Sister and I need your help."

This is the moment Sister Gerard has been dreading for a week now; the moment where she would have to pretend. The time when she would have to ignore the secret she is keeping and interact with her the way she did before.

"What are you confused about sweetheart?"

"I thought it was a good idea to keep the baby; I thought I could be a good mother, and with the help of my family, give this child the home that it needs. I'm starting to think differently now."

"What brought on this sudden rethinking of what you should do?" she asks.

"My mom."

"What did your mom say?"

"She asked me to reconsider adoption. She made it very clear to me how different my life would be."

"How is this different than any other time you talked about your options?"

"I don't think I fully realized how much my life would change. She told me I wouldn't be able to hang out with my friends as much, spend as much time with my boyfriend, go to the college of my dreams, have a real college experience, and do the things I dreamed of."

"She is right; your life will be completely different than what you expected. But that's life sweetheart. Things never happen the way we want them to. We learn more when we have to adapt; now you will have to adapt."

"I'm not sure I'm ready for this."

"Well, what did your mom say in response to your hesitations and concerns?"

"She tried to help. She said that even though she was married, she wasn't ready to have a baby; she said she was scared."

"That didn't help?"

"NO!"

Marie's voice begins to rise as she becomes more agitated by the conversation. After realizing the tone of her voice, Marie apologizes and sits back in the chair.

"Sister, my mom was 10 years older than me; she was more mature. I don't think I'm ready."

"If you aren't ready, you should consider adoption...."

"But I don't want to abandon my child," Marie says, interrupting Sister. "I'm sorry Sister but I don't want my son to know that I ever selfishly gave him to someone else because I wasn't ready to deal with the consequences of my choice."

"Marie, I think you have the wrong idea about adoption."

"What do you mean?"

"I have girls come in here everyday, telling me about their pregnancy and their choice to keep the child. They tell me they feel obligated to raise the baby, despite their worries. Some of them even feel the child will replace something they are missing in their lives. Others want to finally have something to be proud of in being a good mother."

"What's wrong with any of those reasons?"

"The problem is that they are not ready to take care of a child and ultimately, the child, not them, will pay the price."

Sister Gerard pauses a moment, allowing her own words to absorb. With every sentence, she fights the urge to tell Marie she is her mother. And in a way, she uses this time to defend her own choice, hoping when she tells the truth, Marie will be more understanding.

"Sister, have you ever spoken to someone who has been adopted?"

"Yes I have."

"What did she feel?"

"Well, she felt deserted for a moment, but once her adoptive parents explained her biological mother's situation, her anger settled. She's even met her biological mother and she has a wonderful relationship with her."

"Who?"

"Sister Robert is an adopted child."

"Really?"

"Yes she is. Maybe you should talk to her about the effects of adoption on the child before making a final decision."

"So, what do you think I should do?"

"I can't tell you what to do Marie. You are only 16 years old and I've encountered women older than you completely overwhelmed by the prospect of being a mother. Luckily, you are not alone, unlike many of the young women I meet."

"Sister, I really want you to tell me what you think I am capable of."

Sister looks into her eyes for a moment, her maternal bias rising within her.

"Marie, I believe you are capable of anything. I believe you would be a great mother to your son. I believe you, along with your family, will be able to provide a great home."

Marie smiles, her confidence growing as she listens to the kind words of her friend.

"I believe that you will do everything for this child, and I believe once you are holding your son in your arms, you will know that the life you thought you would have, was worth the sacrifice."

"I want to be a mom Sister."

"Do you honestly believe that?"

"Are you trying to get me to give the baby up for adoption?"

"No Marie; I want you to take the time and think about everything. This is a decision that requires careful consideration and can't be taken lightly. This is not about your life; it's about the life of your son."

"I feel like I should keep him. I feel I should raise my child."

"Just make sure you aren't raising this child out of a feeling of obligation; make sure that you are ready and you can be the mother your son needs. It doesn't matter what I think or what your mother thinks; it only matters what your instincts are telling you and what you believe is best for your son. Don't ignore your mother's advice just to assert your perceived adulthood."

"So basically you're asking me not to be the typical rebellious teenager trying to prove my maturity?"

"Exactly."

Marie stands up and grabs her purse. "Thank you Sister; I have a lot of thinking to do."

"If you want to talk you can call me anytime. I can answer any questions you have about adoption; I'll be happy to have someone from the adoption agency we work with come in and tell you everything that's involved."

"Okay," Marie says walking out of the door.

"Marie, wait a moment please."

Sister Gerard picks up the phone and makes a call.

"Hi, would it be okay if Marie came to see you right now? She has some questions I think only you can answer."

Marie stands at the door and waits as Sister continues the conversation. After about sixty seconds, Marie hears Sister Gerard say thank you and she hangs up the phone. She stands up and walks toward Marie.

"Sister Robert is in her office right now; she'd like you to come talk to her. She'll be happy to give you the perspective of an adopted child. Don't worry, everything will be okay."

Sister Gerard gives Marie a hug, holding her a few moments longer than usual. With her daughter in her arms, she takes in everything. She sniffs the scent of her hair and feels the softness of her daughter's skin and a faint scent of body wash. She closes her eyes and focuses on the tightness of Marie's arms around her waist and pays attention to the slight pressure on her own shoulder from Marie's head.

As she pulls back, her arms outstretched and hands on Marie's shoulders, she thinks about the relief that will come when this beautiful young girl knows the truth. And most of all, she is glad that when Marie needs her mother the most, she is there.

# Chapter 10

The room was oddly quiet despite the multiple people standing around, some whispering to themselves and others attempting to engage Allyson as she gazed out of the window, lying on the bed with her mom holding her hand. Everyone was waiting for the nurse to return with her daughter.

"Are you okay darling?" Allyson's mother asked as she squeezed her hand.

Allyson turned her head to look at her. "I'm fine," she said smiling.

She didn't believe her own words as she spoke them, but she didn't want the influx of pity that would inevitably begin if she broke down in tears. She didn't want her parents to worry or the Montgomery family to feel guilty. She didn't want Brad to seize the opportunity to use the situation to regain her friendship.

Allyson could see individuals begin to say something, but decide to remain quiet. She could see their hesitance to say anything.

"So, what are you going to name her?" Allyson asked. Everyone in the room didn't think she would be the one to break the silence, but Allyson knew she could be the only one.

Susan was surprised by the question; she had assumed Allyson wouldn't want to talk about the adoption. Susan walked toward the bed and sat on the edge of it next to her feet.

"I'm going to name her Gabrielle," Susan said placing her hand on Allyson's leg.

"That's a beautiful name."

"Thank you. Her full name will be Gabrielle..."

"Don't tell me her full name."

"Okay."

The room was quiet again. Occasionally Allyson looked over at Brad sitting in a chair in the corner of the room; he wouldn't make eye contact with her. Her eyes moved to her father who, despite the current situation, was able to stand in the corner and work on business. When he saw Allyson looking, he did raise his head and mouth "I love you." Susan eventually went back to standing by the door with her husband, nervously waiting to see their new daughter and take her home. And still next to her, sitting on a stool, her mom sat, going on and on about what they were going to do when they got home in a couple of days.

Everyone's head turned when they heard the door open. In walked a small petite woman wearing a light blue knee length dress and white Keds. In her arms was a beautiful baby girl wrapped in a pink blanket. All quiet conversations had stopped. Susan began to tear up as she took peaks of her daughter. As the nurse walked towards the bed, she saw her nose. Then as the nurse got closer to Allyson, she saw a hand and quickly counted five fingers. Although Allyson was doing a great job of hiding her sadness, Susan knew it was there. Susan turned her head in towards David's neck to conceal the joy in her face.

"Would you like to hold her?"

"No," Allyson responded coldly, keeping her eyes on her mother.

"Are you sure darling?"

"Yes ma'am."

The nurse put the baby down in a crib next to the bed.

"She is a beautiful healthy six pound seven ounces baby girl," the nurse said swaddling the baby.

Allyson did not respond, doing her best to remain emotionally distant. She didn't want to frown, cry, or even seem mildly upset. She wanted to be okay so she was convincing herself she was. "I don't love her. I don't love her," she said to herself as the nurse walked toward the door. She finally looked at her daughter, unable to continue fighting her curiosity and maternal instinct. She had spent nine months attempting to suppress those instincts thinking it would make this day easier.

"Let me know if you need anything sweetheart."

"I will Nurse Cathy. Thank you."

Susan remained in the corner, exercising some restraint out of respect for Allyson.

Everyone in the room stood still, watching Allyson look at her daughter. Cynthia got off of the stool and whispered in her daughter's ear.

"It's okay to cry Allyson; this isn't easy. You don't have to be strong."

"Yes I do," Allyson said in response. "You want to come hold her?" Allyson said looking at Susan. She couldn't think about what she was about to do too long or she would surely begin to cry. She couldn't admit she was in love with the little girl she was about to give away; she knew she had time to change her mind. Susan had to hold her immediately so she could no longer think of that infant girl as her own.

Susan walked over to the crib and picked up Gabrielle. She talked to her about her new family; she checked to make sure she had all of her fingers and toes. She began to hum as David walked up behind her and put his arm on her shoulder.

"Isn't she beautiful?" Susan asked looking at David. He nodded his head and continued to admire his daughter. Allyson sat quietly on the bed, head turned away from them, filling her mind with other thoughts. She thought about school and her future life as a nun. She thought about everything except the daughter she loves in the arms of someone else. She didn't think about missing her, wondering about what her life will be like, worrying if she will have everything she will need, and contemplating if her daughter will ever wonder what she did to make her biological mother give her away. She didn't think about Gabrielle ever thinking her mother didn't want her and didn't love her. She knew she was doing the right thing.

"When will the lawyer and adoption representative be here," Allyson asked abruptly.

"He said he would be here at 3pm," Brad said getting up to look at Gabrielle.

"Gabrielle, this is your...Uncle Brad," Susan said.

"I'll have to get used to that," Brad said as Susan put Gabrielle in his arms.

"Hi little girl. We are going to have a lot of fun together," he said.

Allyson expected her mom to get up and go look at the baby, but she never let go of her hand and instead remained by her side.

With the baby in Brad's hand, Susan sat next to Allyson again.

"Before the lawyer gets here, I want to tell you thank you. I truly appreciate your kindness and I will always be grateful. You are giving me a family; you are giving me the family I have always wanted. I know this isn't easy for you and I have so much respect for you because I don't think I could do what you are doing. I don't think I could be so selfless."

Allyson didn't believe she was being selfless. She had wanted to be a nun since she was in high school and she didn't want anything to get in the way of that. It was the life she believed God wanted for her. That was selfish.

Susan continued to thank Allyson and praise her. The words began to grate Allyson's ears and mind, increasing her guilt with every sentence. She wanted to scream, but before she reached her breaking point, Susan paused.

"You will always be a part of our family Allyson. If you ever change your mind about meeting your daughter, let us know. If you ever want pictures of her or want us to tell her anything, we will oblige. This doesn't have to be the last time you see her."

"Yes it does," Allyson said quietly. With this, Susan's expression of joy faded. This was exactly what Allyson wanted to avoid, but considering the conversation, she was inclined to say something. Susan couldn't think of an appropriate response, so she gave Allyson a hug and sat down in the chair Brad once occupied to wait for the lawyer.

The tension and awkwardness in the room was palpable, and Allyson was relieved when the lawyer and adoption representative walked in the room.

"Hi Allyson," Mrs. Holloway said as she put down some paperwork on the tray on the right side of Allyson's bed.

"Hi," Allyson said sitting up in the bed.

"This is Mr. Dowd. He is the adoption lawyer."

"Hi Allyson. It's nice to meet you," Mr. Dowd said shaking her hand.

"Now Allyson, I know you have heard this many times but before you sign over your parental rights, I want to go over the conditions of the adoption. You can change your mind and if you are rethinking your decision, now would be the time to tell me. You don't have to sign the papers now; you can wait a few weeks, giving yourself some time and then going to court."

"No. I want to go ahead and do this."

"Okay. You have agreed to an open adoption. You have asked the Montgomery family to write you once a month about your daughter and her progress. However, you do not want to meet your daughter in the future and you do not want to spend time with her. Despite your decision, the Montgomery family has agreed that you can change your mind at any time and will allow you to have a relationship with your daughter if you so choose. They have also agreed not to tell her about her adoption without your permission. Is this correct Allyson?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Susan and David, do you also agree that these are the conditions you settle on?"

"Yes."

"Allyson, although you will sign the papers today, you will still have to appear in court to finalize the relinquishment of your parental rights. This will probably happen in four to six weeks. Up until that time, you can still change your mind. Not until that court date will the adoption be finalized."

"I don't think I will change my mind. Actually, I know I won't change my mind," she said sternly. "I've had plenty of time to think about this. I've weighed all of my options and this is what I want."

Allyson's mom stood back almost in tears as she watched her daughter mechanically agree to give up her daughter. Allyson appeared so unaffected. However, her mom knew she was struggling.

Mrs. Holloway moved her papers as Mr. Dowd pulled the legal documents out of his briefcase. By this time, Allyson's father, Brad, and David had left the room, leaving the ladies present. They assumed Allyson wouldn't want a lot of people in the room during this difficult moment.

Mr. Dowd placed the contract, along with a pen, on the tray and moved it in front of Allyson. He indicated where she needed to sign.

"Allyson, are you sure you don't want to wait?" Cynthia asked as she picked up the pen. "You have time to think about this."

"Mom, I don't need anymore time. This is the right thing to do; I know it is."

Cynthia walked up to the side of the bed and stood next to her.

"My sweet girl, I don't want you to regret this. I don't want you to wake up tomorrow, in a week, in a month, or in a year and wish you had chosen differently."

Allyson put the pen down, looked at Mrs. Holloway and Mr. Dowd and asked them to give them a moment. She asked the same of Susan. All of them left the room as Allyson's mom sat down.

"Mom, I know you are concerned but you can't prevent the regret you are working so hard to keep me from feeling. If I keep her, I'll regret the things I missed out on and regret having to give up my dream of becoming a nun. I may even resent her, blaming my daughter for everything I had to sacrifice. I don't want to resent her."

"Ally, you would never do that. You know that as well as I do."

"I didn't think I would ever get pregnant and look what happened."

Allyson's mom hung her head and began to cry.

"Mom, I will be fine. I know I will be fine. I have you to help me through this. And although I may regret giving her up and not being in her life, I know she will be safe and I know she will be well taken care of. I know that she may not have her biological mother, but she will have her father."

"You are so much stronger than I ever imagined you would be at the age of twenty-one," Cynthia said standing up and wiping the tears off of her cheek. "I'm sorry you have to comfort me; I should be doing that for you."

Allyson smiled and asked her mom to tell everyone they can come back in so they can finish this process. When they entered, Mrs. Holloway had a worried look on her face. Allyson quickly eased her by telling her that everything was fine and she was ready to continue the process

Everyone was silent as Allyson briefly scanned and signed the papers. After she handed them to the lawyer, Susan asked her if she was okay. After telling her she was fine, Allyson lay back down on the bed, watching Mr. Dowd walk out of the room.

"Let me know if you need anything or if you need to talk to anyone."

"I will. Thank you Mrs. Holloway for everything and for making this process as smooth as possible."

"You are very welcome Allyson," she said following Mr. Dowd into the hallway.

Not even five minutes after they left, David returned to the room.

"Are you ready to go honey," he asked Susan.

"Are you sure you don't want any time alone with her? Are you sure you don't want to say goodbye or tell her you love her?"

"She knows."

Susan picked up Gabrielle and walked toward the door. Some part of Allyson wanted to yell; she wanted to scream "No, don't take her." Her heart was silently breaking with every step Susan took. She still had a few seconds to decide to at least hold her daughter; at least that way she would have something. She would have some moment of motherhood to remember and appreciate; something beautiful to replace the image of her daughter being taken from her.

"Again, thank you Allyson."

This was the moment; this was the moment for her to at least know what it felt like to hold her daughter. This was the moment to know her smell, her eye color, the shape of her lips, and perhaps even the sound of her voice. Maybe she could hear her whimper; even a cry would suffice. This would be the moment to tell her daughter she loves her and let her at least hear and know the sound of her biological mother's voice. Gabrielle wouldn't remember this moment, but Allyson would. Allyson would at least have these few moments to hold on to.

But Allyson allowed the moment to pass. She decided to let Susan walk out. "It would be easier to deal with this," she said to herself as Susan disappeared out of the door. "Letting her go this way makes it easier," she continued. Allyson believed one moment would make her want more; it would be emotionally taxing and make it almost impossible to move forward.

As the door closed behind Susan, Allyson finally let go. Safe and secure, she broke down in tears, weeping heavily into her hands. Without a word, her mother walked over to her, lay down in the bed, and held her.

***

Allyson sat quietly at dinner, observing her family manipulate the conversation to anything besides what had happened two days before. Both of her parents kept looking at her with such expressions of worry that it was making her uncomfortable. Her mother wished she could read her daughter's mind; know what negative thoughts were plaguing her and say the right thing to bring some comfort.

Every time her parents attempted to engage her, she responded quietly and abruptly, not wanting to talk about her ordeal. She didn't want to talk about her feelings. They told her talking about it would help, but for Allyson, there was nothing to talk about. She had the baby, handed it over to another family, and now it was over. Now she had to move forward; now she had to get ready for her senior year in college and start talking to the Sisters of Saint Agnes about joining the sisterhood.

If she thought about it, talked about it, or even considered the potential complications, she would definitely begin to lose her mind. Talking about it would not help Allyson; talking about it would only make it present. Making it present would only cause emotions to resurface. Even though there were words she would like to say and things she would like to express, suppressing them, she believed, would be the best inaction to take.

Allyson had only spoken ten words by the time dinner was over. There was some suggestion of family bonding time playing Scrabble or watching a movie, but Allyson insisted on being alone. After placing her dishes in the dishwasher, she walked silently up to her room. Halfway up the stairs she turned and saw her parents whispering, presumably about her.

She wished she could tell them what they could say or do; she wished she knew. As she sat on her bed, she thought about her future. Her goal now was to do her best to ignore the past. Every time she felt the emotions rising, she would squash them until they were so far into her subconscious, she no longer thought about the pregnancy or the adoption.

She was so tired from giving birth along with fighting to remain composed, she fell asleep on her bed, completely clothed lying on her side facing the wall. After two hours of shallow sleep, she was awakened by the touch of her mother's hand on her back.

"Sweetheart," she said softly trying not to startle her.

Allyson rolled over on her back, slowly opening her eyes.

"Mom, I don't really want to talk," she said assumingly.

"I know, but you have a visitor."

"Who is it?"

"It's Brad."

Allyson sighed heavily; she had hoped she would not have to see him again, at least not this soon.

"Mom, could you please tell him I'm asleep?"

"I could but I really think you need to see him; he went through something tough too."

Allyson rolled her eyes as she sat up and put her feet on the floor.

"Ally, I know you don't want to talk about what happened but it will inevitably come up in your conversation; at least acknowledge his struggle."

Allyson couldn't help but think that if her mom knew what he had done, she wouldn't be so quick to care about how he is feeling or what he is going through. After seeing the look on her mother's face, Allyson put on her slippers and walked downstairs to see Brad standing by the front door waiting.

"Hi Allyson."

"Hi Brad," she said avoiding eye contact.

"Can we go outside and talk?"

"Can we just stay inside away from the mosquitoes?" she asked.

"Well if we can go outside we can be alone. We can sit in my car if you want."

"We can just sit on the porch," she said, unable to gather the strength to argue or oppose his wishes.

Allyson was extremely short with him; more than usual. Unfortunately, her trauma had forced the negative feelings to resurface and the sound of his voice became aggravating.

Allyson sat anticipating what question or statement would begin the dreadful conversation. She twiddled her fingers and waited for Brad to speak. The moment she was about to say something to cease the awkward silence, Brad spoke.

"How have you been?"

"What a stupid question," she thought to herself. She thought he was at least smart enough to know the answer to that question.

"Wait, don't answer that. The answer should be obvious."

"What are you doing here Brad?"

"I just wanted to check on you."

"I don't think so."

"What do you mean?" he asked, not sure why she would question his motives.

"You could have called to check on me."

"That's true."

"Then why did you make the effort to actually come by."

"Because what I wanted to ask you is important, too important to ask over the phone."

Allyson could not believe Brad was already asking for a favor or some further consideration to be a part of her life.

"What do you need Brad?"

"At some point I will have a career and be able to take care of a child."

The beginning of his statement began to worry Allyson, uncertain of what he wanted from her.

"My sister said that if at any point in the future, if I'm ready to be a parent, they would consider signing over legal rights to me."

Allyson was taken aback by this question. She had never considered that at some point Brad would want to be Gabrielle's father.

"Don't look at me like that," Brad said, noticing the look on Allyson's face. She was not hiding her opinion that his question was beyond absurd.

"Brad, that is ridiculous."

"Why is that ridiculous?"

"Why would you do that? Why would you do that to the child? You don't know when you would be in a good financial or personal place to take care of a baby. That could be over ten years from now. Would you really want to displace our daughter and take her away from her parents?"

"Allyson, her parents are my sister and brother-in-law. It's not like she will never see them."

"Ugh," was the only response Allyson could think of. "Don't you think you are being a little selfish?"

"Don't you think you are? You are just afraid that she will ask about her mom one day."

"Of course she would."

"Do you believe I would ever portray you as anything other than a loving mother who did what was best for her child?"

Allyson didn't believe her concern had been that obvious, but considering her current relationship with Brad, part of her believed he would use the opportunity, if it came to pass, to enact some revenge. She even thought he would be justified in doing so.

"It crossed my mind," she said looking at him.

Brad could not believe Allyson thought he was capable of such actions. Brad didn't know how to respond, but simply stood up. He moved toward the porch railing and stared at their neighbor across the street sitting on his porch. He watched silently, counting each step he took in an effort to calm down. He could feel the anger stirring within, fighting to be released and explode. After sixty seconds, he turned around. He knew Allyson had every right to feel the way she did. She had valid reasons to disregard him, not just what he wanted or believed, but even his existence. It would be unfair of him to expect her to behave with any sort of compassion.

"Allyson," he began sitting down, "I know you have every reason to believe that I would hurt you. I have hurt you...in ways I will never be able to apologize enough for, but I would not teach our daughter to hate you."

Allyson wanted to believe him; she wanted to believe he wouldn't continue to betray her. She believed that with a lot of work and time, she could trust him again. But right now, his words meant nothing because his actions spoke loudly; his actions drowned out any words of sincerity or concern.

"Okay," she said.

"I can see you don't believe me."

Allyson just shook her head.

"And I'm guessing that in this conversation I wouldn't be able to convince you otherwise?"

"The best way to convince me is to finally respect what I want and need. I need you to respect my decision."

"I want to respect you and what you need. But I can't help but wonder why I don't matter."

He wanted to know why she couldn't be more humane than him. He was begging her to be the bigger person and not treat him like he treated her.

"Brad, you do matter. I'm just not in a place to give a shit."

Brad was astonished; he had never heard her speak like that.

"Brad, I know you want my blessing but I cannot give it to you and I never will. I do not think it would be wise to disrupt our daughter's life because you may decide you want to be her father."

Brad sighed and hung his head.

"Think about it," she continued, "you have the best of both worlds. You can still be a part of her life without any of the financial responsibility. She will always be your family. You will see her grow up and you can be her cool Uncle Brad. I promise, if you really think about this, you will understand why it wouldn't be a good idea to regain your parental rights later on."

Brad sat and thought for a few moments. He thought he had considered Gabrielle's best interest, but perhaps, he was thinking only of his own. Or maybe, he believed eventually she would need to know at least one of her parents. He no longer knew his true intentions.

"I'm going to go," he said, sounding and appearing emotionally beaten.

"Brad, please understand. I don't want Gabrielle to know she is adopted. I don't want her to know that her mother gave her up because she was so determined to become a nun and do what she wanted; she didn't think about what her daughter might want."

"That's not the reality of the situation; you aren't choosing vocation over your daughter."

"But I'm sure that's how she will perceive it."

"You do realize how ridiculous you sound."

"It may be ridiculous but that's how I feel. For my sanity, would you please reconsider wanting to raise her in the future?"

"I'll think about it...for you."

"Thank you."

Brad and Allyson sat and chatted for a few minutes, mostly about their last year in school and Brad's plans after graduation. Although Allyson didn't feel like herself, she was able to dig deeply enough to find some glimmer of her personality to sustain a cordial ten minute conversation. As she began to get tired, she asked Brad to leave. She could surmise from his expression and extent of the conversation, he wanted her to at least invite him in, but she desperately wanted to be alone again.

Before leaving, Brad leaned in to give her a hug, but she pulled away. He was not sad or disappointed; he had only hoped she no longer feared his touch. Obviously, it had not been enough time. Allyson watched Brad walk down the porch stairs and down the sidewalk.

"Brad, wait."

Brad turned and smiled, hoping for some semblance of affection, even just a handshake.

"I need to ask a big favor of you."

"What is it?" Brad asked.

"I can't see you."

"I know; we've had this conversation before."

"No Brad. I mean I can't see you at all; we can't even be friends."

"Why!?"

"It is too difficult seeing you. Every time I would see your face, I would be reminded of what happened. Your presence will only keep me buried in the past."

"Wow. Thanks for making me feel good about myself. I've never felt like the bane of someone's life before."

"Brad, it's not like that. I haven't forgiven you and I won't be a good friend until I can. I don't want to resent you and treat you like shit because I can't let go."

"I rather you treat me like shit than not allow me in your life."

Despite the sweet sentiment, Allyson knew what she was capable of, and being his friend was not one of them.

"Listen, I need this. I am going to be completely honest with you. I don't want to be tempted to ask about our daughter, see her pictures, or know any details that may remind me of my decision."

Brad assumed, because she came to the decision so quickly, that it had been easy. He thought that she shut him out due to anger, but it was her need to resist projecting her doubt onto the other participating parties that led her to hold in her feelings. In her effort to become secure, she forced herself into certainty. And now all of those feelings she resisted were overflowing and she was handling it the best way she knew how.

"Are you sure this is what you want? Are you sure this is what's best for Gabrielle?"

"Yes. The letters will be enough. I love her Brad; I carried her for nine months and fell in love. And because of love, I had to give her away. I'm not sure if it was love for her or myself. I don't think I can handle this right now. I know it's not fair, but I'm just asking you to sacrifice for me."

"You are asking a lot. You do know I'm in love with you."

"I know but take this chance and put me first; do something selfless for me."

Brad knew the subtext of her request. Because he had raped her, he at least owed her this. He wondered how long she would punish him for his mistake. How long would she ask difficult things of him; how many sacrifices would he have to make to suffice as his penance? At that moment, he felt he would always owe her, and that was okay with him.

"Okay Allyson; I'll stay away from you."

He forced a smile out of courtesy and leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. Allyson was surprised by his grace and civility. She knew he was upset, but he was hiding it for her.

Brad walked to his car and opened the door.

"Goodbye Allyson," he said before sitting in the driver's seat and closing the door.

Allyson simply waved and watched as he drove away. She hoped she had made the right choice. She hoped that everything would be okay and this situation wouldn't cause her anymore stress. It may have been unrealistically optimistic, but it was the only thing to keep her going.

When she walked back into her house, her mother and father were sitting in the living room. She thought she could slip by quietly without an interrogation, but as soon as her foot was an inch above the first step, her mother called her name. Allyson groaned and walked towards them, contemplating a reason that would excuse her of an extensive discussion about the conversation she just had with Brad.

She settled on the couch comfortably, unable to think of anything to discourage her parents from asking a million questions. Even a simple "I'm tired" wouldn't work in this situation considering she had been in bed all day.

"What did you and Brad talk about?" Cynthia asked sitting up and leaning toward her daughter.

"Not much," Allyson dishonestly responded.

"Really?" she responded quickly. "You were out there a while for not talking about much."

She knew her mother's unwavering persistence so decided to go ahead and appease their curiosity.

"Brad just wanted to ask me a question."

"And what was that?" her father asked.

"Mom and Dad, I know you are concerned but I really don't feel like talking about it."

"Honey," Roger responded, "we have allowed many concessions throughout this whole process. We have allowed you space. We forgave you for hiding this pregnancy from us. And despite the fact that you think you are an adult, we are still your parents, your understanding and supportive parents who have been here for you. We do not think it is too much that you answer our questions now. This situation didn't only affect you."

Allyson thought herself to be a considerate person, but she had never thought about how her pregnancy affected her parents. Or maybe she thought about it and didn't care. Now she felt obligated to answer their questions.

"Brad wanted to ask if I would allow him to adopt Gabrielle in the future if he decided he wanted to raise her."

"And what did you say," Cynthia calmly asked.

Her composed response was unexpected; Allyson thought a shocked expression or tone would have been more appropriate.

"I told him no; I said I believed that would be detrimental to our daughter."

Cynthia just nodded her head.

"Mom?"

"Yes dear."

"You don't seem too surprised by what he asked."

Cynthia and Roger looked at each other, silently agreeing to divulge the information they had been keeping from her.

"Honey, don't get upset, but Brad came and spoke to us about two weeks before your labor."

Allyson didn't immediately respond, but instead listened intently.

"He asked our advice about the situation. We didn't know what you would say but we did tell him it wouldn't hurt to ask."

"So you think it's okay what he wants to do?" Allyson said raising her voice.

"We didn't say that. We told him we believed it would disrupt the baby's life but he needed to ask you."

Allyson leaned back on the sofa, absorbing the news of her parents having secret conversations with Brad.

"There's something else," Cynthia continued.

Allyson was terrified of what else they could have been discussing behind her back. Multiple situations and conspiracies crossed her mind. She knew her parents would never discuss anything that would invade her privacy, but she was still curious as to how far they would go.

"We know baby."

"You know what," Allyson said.

"We know how you got pregnant."

"Most people know how I got pregnant; it's typically the same for all women," Allyson said not realizing what her mother was referring to. Cynthia looked into her daughter's eyes, hoping she would understand without her having to actually say the words. Allyson seemingly remained clueless.

"Brad told us what happened...the night of the party."

It was time for Allyson to be surprised. She couldn't find the words to respond; not that she didn't have the words, but they wouldn't come together in coherent sentences and out of her mouth. The family sat in silence. Seeing the expression on his daughter's face, Roger got up and sat next to her.

"I wanted to kill him; your mother had to stop me. Thank your mother that your baby still has a father."

Allyson looked over at her mother who was smiling.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Roger asked.

Allyson was still unable to say anything. Not only did her parents know she had been raped, Brad was the one to tell them without even speaking to her first. She wouldn't have minded her dad kicking his ass a little bit. They were her parents and it was her business to tell them. "How many times can he violate me?" she thought to herself as she finally found her voice.

"Brad told you?"

"Yes he did. He said he wanted to come clean. He said he felt guilty because we were being so nice to him, compassion and understanding he didn't deserve."

"That's noble of him," Allyson said sarcastically. "I'm surprised you didn't call the police."

"Well obviously there was a reason he wasn't in jail; you didn't report him for some reason and we wanted to respect that," Cynthia said.

"Trust me, I wanted to kick his ass then call the police. Your mother insisted I not act erratically."

"You still haven't told us why you didn't tell us," Cynthia continued.

"Well the word shame comes to mind."

Cynthia took a moment to collect her thoughts. She honestly believed her daughter was smart enough to know that there was nothing she could have done to deserve that. But she attempted to put herself in her daughter's shoes as a victim.

"I know you have heard this a million times, but there is nothing you could have done to provoke such a horrendous act. You could have walked into his room naked, and he still had no right to violate you like that."

She had heard that many times, but it sounded different coming from her mother.

"Did you believe we would blame you? Did you think we wouldn't believe you?" Roger asked, finding a moment to intercede.

"Yes to the first and no to the latter. I don't know what I thought. I don't know why I thought it better you think I was promiscuous versus a victim."

By this time her mother had come to sit on the other side of her and was holding her hand.

"Either way, we love you. Whether you had intentionally had sex or had been raped, we love you. If we had known the truth, we could have gotten you help."

"I don't need help."

"Well honey you need to talk to someone about the rape," Cynthia said.

"I've been talking to Sister Mary Joseph of the Sisters of St. Agnes."

"The convent that helps young girls?" Roger asked.

"Yes sir."

"Well I'm glad you were talking to someone," he continued.

"Darling," Cynthia intervened, "for us, and especially for yourself, please continue to go see her. We don't want this emotional turbulence to interrupt your life. We want you to deal with this now; it will and probably at the most inopportune time if you don't confront it now."

"Yes ma'am."

Allyson knew she wouldn't fulfill her parent's wishes. She had enough trouble talking about it now, and she assumed it would only get worse as time passed. She wanted to forget everything happened. She also knew her parents wouldn't let her forget. Every day they were going to call her and ask her if she was seeing someone to talk about what happened. They might go as far as to get her a rape counselor themselves. They believed this situation required their intervention. Allyson believed the opposite, and wished they would return to their usual parenting methods; remaining distant and uninvolved, and only intervening when asked.

"Do you have anymore surprises for me today?"

"Just one," Roger said. "We would like you to consider living at home your senior year."

This was the last straw for Allyson. She had handled her pregnancy with grace and dignity; she more than proved she was an adult. Now they wanted her to retreat back to high school, a time of constant parental supervision.

"Why do I need to live at home?"

Allyson knew the honest response to this question, and was certain some self-serving version of that truth would be the response from her parents.

"We just want to be here for you and support you," her mother said.

"Translation; you want me to stay home so you can watch me constantly and treat me like an irresponsible teenager," Allyson thought to herself.

"Ally, we just want to make sure you have the help you need," Cynthia continued.

"Translation; you want to make sure I'm going to your hand-picked therapist."

"That's not true," her mother defensively responded.

Allyson thought she had kept that to herself, but what she believed she was saying to herself had slipped out.

"I know you all feel this urge to suddenly be parents, but I am fine. I would feel more comfortable back at school; I want to return to normalcy."

Allyson could see her brutal honesty was disconcerting to her parents. Her comment had turned this conversation from a discussion about the future to one about the past.

"So what have we been these last twenty-one years? So you've taken care of yourself?"

"Cynthia, calm down," Allyson's father said observing his wife's increasing anger.

"I will not calm down."

"Mom, I didn't mean to criticize your parenting skills. I just meant that you all were busy and I spent a lot of time learning how to take care of myself. I don't need you to take care of me now."

Cynthia couldn't respond. Allyson was content allowing her parents to believe they were accomplished guardians, but the truth had surfaced. Her entire life, she felt she had a mother and father but never a mom and dad; if it weren't for their shared DNA, she wouldn't have any indication they were her parents.

Allyson didn't want to have this conversation right now. She didn't want to have it at all; she was the master at avoiding uncomfortable and confrontational discussions.

"So now I'm a bad mother?"

"I didn't say that!" Allyson said raising her voice and standing out of frustration. She took a deep breath before continuing.

"Go ahead Allyson. Tell me what you think; tell me what a horrible parent I am."

Allyson knew her mom was baiting her; it was a trap. It was a reason for her mother to use the guilt as a weapon.

"Tell me damnit!" Cynthia yelled.

"Fine, you want the truth. I feel like now you are being all loving and supportive to make up for the fact that I spent most of my time as a child alone or with babysitters. And when you were here, you were on the phone or doing work. You never spent time with me and threw me in my room with a book."

Both of her parents sat in silence. It wasn't that she revealed some new truth to them, but instead exposed the truth they wanted to ignore. They had hoped Allyson wouldn't have noticed their absence, or at least had forgiven and forgotten.

"I'm going to my room," Allyson said abruptly.

Allyson looked at her mother who was crying. She fought the urge to apologize for hurting her feelings, but resisted simply out of principle. She turned around and walked up the stairs, turning once to see her mother in her father's arms.

"She was just upset," Allyson could hear him say.

She may have been angry, but that didn't make it less than fact. Allyson meant every word she spoke, and was relieved to say it. She wasn't obligated to protect her parents. They had been extremely supportive during her ordeal, but it felt disingenuous. It felt like they took this opportunity to attempt to make up for what they were lacking the last twenty-one years.

"We failed her," her mother said before burying her head in her father's neck.

Allyson felt something as she walked into her room and collapsed on her bed, but it wasn't guilt. "Why should I feel guilty for telling the truth?" Thoughts of her mother's pain passed as she strained to focus on school. She ruffled through her belongings to find her schedule for the fall semester. She welcomed and encouraged the distraction. For once, school was the less stressful alternative.

Allyson was awakened from her nap by her father yelling her name.

"What is it dad?"

"You have a phone call Allyson,"

Allyson sat up in bed and picked up the cordless phone on her desk.

"Hello."

"Hi Allyson."

Allyson knew immediately it was Clarissa. Talking to her best friend was a comfort, despite the possibility of having to discuss her delivery. The absence of judgment was heartening. Clarissa would reassure her, and since she had been there from the beginning, would understand her sentiment towards the multiple issues that have arisen since the day she gave birth. This also gave her the chance to talk to someone about the argument she had with her parents.

"Clarissa, it is so good to hear your voice."

"Your tone suggests trouble in the land of Denmark."

Allyson loved when Clarissa attempted to make literary references.

"It's unfortunate my parents, when they should be making this situation easier for me, are actually making it more difficult. And let's not even talk about Brad."

"Okay, let's take one issue at a time. What's up with your parents?"

Allyson proceeded to tell her about her parents asking her to stay at home, and the subsequent argument where she made it known of their parental shortcomings. .

"I knew this was going to come out one day," Clarissa said when Allyson finally took a breath.

"What do you mean?"

"Allyson, you think you hide your feelings towards your parents but it is obvious. You never talked about them with a strong sense of love and affection. It felt like your parents were more like your landlords."

"I guess I hadn't really noticed."

"I'm guessing they were upset."

"Upset but not surprised; it felt like they knew this was coming."

"Well even if they were just trying to overcompensate for past mistakes, it doesn't really matter."

"Yes it does," Allyson said sternly.

"Ally, you can't be mad at your parents for realizing their mistakes and trying to be better."

Clarissa's words shed a different light on the issue. Even though she believed her parents could have been more present, there should have been some comfort in knowing they weren't oblivious to their mistakes, and wanted things to be different. However, Allyson believed that at this point, it was too late. She was an adult; she didn't need them.

"Ally, you know that's not true. No matter how old you get, you will need your parents; if not for physical support, but emotional."

Allyson hated when Clarissa was right, especially in a situation like this when she was determined to be angry; a time when she was determined to dislike her parents and punish them; a time when it would be easier to remain mad at them instead of swallowing her pride and accepting them.

"Why do you have to be right all of the time?" Allyson asked.

"It's just who I am," Clarissa said with a soft giggle.

Allyson had never thought much about her parent's strengths; she focused most of her energy on their faults. She never thought about their struggle to balance being present and providing the life they wanted for their only child.

"They focused so much on trying to financially provide the life they never had, they forgot to provide the other more essential things," Allyson continued.

"I suggest talking to them and reminding them of the right things they did. They do love you; they may not show it in the way you want but they show it the best way they can. And despite you questioning their sincerity, they were there for you when you needed them."

Allyson was obviously tired of talking about her parents. She quickly turned the conversation to Brad's visit. This was the most difficult to talk about. Allyson hated being left out of the conversation, and she was forced out of a conversation that should have been hers to have with her parents.

To Allyson's delight, Clarissa agreed with what she told Brad, and couldn't believe he told them about the rape. After a moment of panic and anger, she calmed.

"He had a momentary desire to be selfish," Clarissa responded.

"Exactly! I couldn't believe he told them. It seemed noble but he wasn't their concern; I was. And I had to let him know he wasn't thinking about what was best for Gabrielle."

"Awww, that's her name?"

"Yes. She was beautiful. I hate to admit, but it was extremely difficult handing her over and I will spend the rest of my life away from her."

"You made the best decision you could; no one can expect anything more."

"So you think I made the right decision?"

"Do you?"

"Clarissa, don't pull that crap on me. What do you think?"

"I think you made the right decision for your daughter. And that makes you a wonderful person and an exceptional mother."

Allyson wished Clarissa could see the smile on her face. For the first time, she felt secure about her decision. Clarissa wasn't questioning her motives or second-guessing her intentions. Clarissa saw the best in her. This is why Allyson needed to be back on campus; the unconditional genuine support system she needed was there, not at home. She didn't need eyes over her shoulders; she needed to live her life without daily interrogations.

"Are you excited about school?" Allyson asked without thinking, knowing Clarissa viewed school as just a necessary evil to keep her parents from cutting her off.

"I'm excited about seeing you," she said.

It was like Clarissa had read Allyson's mind, knowing exactly what she needed to hear.

"So do u need to talk about the day before yesterday?" Clarissa asked.

"No, I don't want to talk about it."

"I didn't ask you if you wanted to. I asked you if you needed to."

Allyson had always liked Clarissa's "no bull" approach, and even now when it was the last thing she wanted to do, she appreciated her concern.

"I'll let you know when I need to. May not have to; I'm sure one of the conditions of my parents letting me stay on campus will be therapy,"

"That wouldn't be such a bad idea."

Allyson knew she was going to say that. Clarissa was not one of those "yes" friends who supported every decision. She let her opinion be known.

"I just don't feel like focusing on the past will help."

"But talking about it is the only way to get over it."

"Spoken like a true Psych major," Allyson responded.

Both ladies laughed.

"Just think about it Allyson. Don't do something detrimental just out of spite."

Clarissa also liked to mention those things which Allyson wanted to deny, like her need to finally rebel and intentionally defy her parents' wishes.

"I'll give it some serious thought."

"And then decide not to do it," Clarissa said. "I know you Ally; you are stubborn."

"I can only agree to think about it."

Clarissa sighed.

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

"No, go ahead and say it."

"You don't always know what is best Allyson."

Allyson was silent.

"I'm sorry Allyson but it's the truth. Sometimes you need to follow the advice of someone. Sometimes other people can see things you can't."

Allyson was becoming agitated, unable to conceive of the criticism as anything constructive.

"I'm judging from your silence that I've upset you so I'm going to let you go. I'm sure after you understand where I'm coming from you will calm down. Give me a call when you want to talk.'

Allyson could only say "okay" and hung up the phone. She didn't know if she was upset by Clarissa's comment or troubled by its truth. Allyson knew she was stubborn, but didn't believe she would ever be so stubborn she would do something self-destructive. She couldn't accept her own limited perspective as the only truth. Allyson put on her shoes, grabbed her keys, and ran out of the door without a word to her parents. She finally relaxed and took a breath once she was parked in front of the Sisters of St. Agnes office.

"Allyson darling," Sister Joseph said as Allyson walked into her office cubicle,

Allyson's face was a display of mixed emotions, and Sister Joseph could see all of them, the most overwhelming streaming from her eyes. It was anger.

"Sister, you think I'm smart right?"

"Yes Allyson I do."

"And you think that even after everything, I would know how to handle my life."

"I believe you handled the situation you were in well."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"I know. My answer isn't the one you want to hear."

Allyson sat back in the chair, glaring at Sister.

"So basically I'm incompetent at managing my life."

"That's not what I said."

"Well that seems to be what everyone else thinks. Everyone else thinks they know what's best for me."

"Allyson I know you are capable of taking care of yourself, but that doesn't mean a suggestion by someone who loves you should be ignored or disregarded. The best advice comes from a place of love."

Allyson sat quietly, disappointed she wasn't receiving the reassurance she sought.

"My parents want me to see a therapist."

"And you are obviously not open to the idea."

"I have you," Allyson said with a smile, Sister Joseph reciprocating.

"I'm happy to help you and I'm glad I have, but I am not a professional. And I am certain a therapist can provide something I cannot."

Sister Joseph could see Allyson closing herself off with each word; she was not receptive to the currently taboo concept of psychological assistance.

"So you think I should go?"

"I encourage girls I see everyday to see counselors. I do not pretend to know how to help young women with every possible situation or circumstance."

"But I think you can help me; I think you are the only person I need."

"And it's possible I am. But if I were you, I would explore all of my options. This is your life and something traumatic has happened to you. I wouldn't take your recovery lightly."

"It's like I've had surgery or cancer," Allyson thought to herself. She believed the only steps she needed to take weren't in grief or recovery, but in moving on.

"What else is bothering you Allyson; it's not just that," Sister Joseph said observing Allyson's contemplative look.

"I just want to move forward Sister. I just want to go to school, get my degree, and join your sisterhood. Everyone else wants me to stay in the past. My parents want me to talk about it in therapy, they want me to stay at home instead of staying on campus so they can watch me as if I'm going to break, and Brad wants to know if it would be okay if he adopted his daughter later on in his life."

Sister Joseph's eyes widened.

"See, that's the expression I expected from my parents when I told them, but I didn't get it because Brad had already spoken to them about his request. Oh, and told them he raped me."

Sister's Joseph's mouth dropped.

"Exactly," Allyson said, secretly finding comfort in Sister's reaction. She felt she was face to face with someone who understood.

The progress of their conversation was going the same as the one with Clarissa. Allyson wanted to talk about everything except for her giving birth and placing her daughter in someone else's arms.

"I am honestly shocked by what you have told me and I can understand your anger. But don't let that anger cloud your judgment. Try to do what's best for you, not just what you want to do."

They looked at each other, Sister waiting for Allyson to mention what she believed they needed to talk about. But Allyson continued to speak about the details of her torturous afternoon. Sister Joseph listened and affirmed her choices. She agreed with how she handled Brad but reprimanded how she talked to her parents.

"You may have been angry, but remember to always respect them. That way you can always ask for the same respect in return."

Allyson nodded before continuing her rant. Sister Joseph listened intently, never boring of Allyson's vent of emotions. Sister Joseph waited for her to take a breath to steer the conversation towards the actual act of giving up her daughter. When Allyson finally took a deep breath, Sister Joseph spoke.

"How was the hospital?" she asked.

Allyson was hoping to keep the discussion going in her predetermined direction.

"It was okay."

"Really?"

"Yes. It was easier than I thought it would be."

Sister Joseph knew Allyson was lying, but she understood it would be counterproductive to force her to talk about it. So she accepted her answers and moved on. Either Allyson didn't realize the traumatic impact of her ordeal, or she was in denial. Because Allyson had to learn how to take care of herself at a young age, she never learned the importance of accepting help. Sister worried, rightfully so, that her determination to take care of herself would have dire consequences.

Date August 23

Dear Allyson,

It has been a month since the birth of Gabrielle and she is doing wonderfully. It is taking some time to get used to the feedings and learning to interpret her cries, but we are having a wonderful time being her parents. She is smiling already! You gave birth to a beautiful daughter and I hope one day she knows her beautiful mother.

Right now, she probably eats every four hours. She sleeps in our room in a small crib while we are finishing decorating her room. We will send you a picture of her nursery when it is finished. She is very happy and very funny. She giggles and smiles all of the time, and she is very sweet. Her doctor says she is doing very well and is growing nicely. I think she is going to be a wonderful young lady.

We decided to have a party for her. It was David's idea. I didn't get to have a baby shower so he thought it would be fun to have a party to celebrate the new baby. It was a lot of fun. We wanted you to be there, but we understand your reasons for remaining distant. We hope one day you change your mind.

We have enclosed a picture of her with this letter. I believe she has your eyes and nose. If you have any questions or want to know any details about her life with us, please let us know. We know you want to make sure your daughter is in a good home and we will do whatever you want so you are secure in knowing your daughter is in a safe loving environment.

Brad is great with her and it is wonderful seeing them together. He is over here constantly, even spending the night to help take care of her. If you had decided to keep the baby, he would have been an amazing father.

Well Allyson, we hope that all is well with you and we wish you luck your senior year in college. Brad told us you are still planning to become a nun and we think that is wonderful. We believe you will make a great Sister. Please let us know if you need anything.

Sincerely,

Susan and David.

# Chapter 11

The cherry wood desk sat in front of a floor to ceiling bookshelf full of a mix of psychology books, including the DSMIV, and mediocre suspense novels. The beige carpet was offset by a colorful rug that looked like it had been bought on a trip to Africa. Across from the door sat a stereotypical seating area with a long brown leather couch with end tables on each side. A chair sat angled towards the couch and a coffee table in front of it, with back issues of the New Yorker and Vogue on top. "Interesting combination," Sister Gerard thinks to herself as she sits on the couch.

Dr. Patsy Nelson is wearing a pale pink v-neck knit shirt and a black and white pinstriped blazer.

"I'll be one moment Sister. I just need to finish up something from my last session."

"Take your time," Sister says politely as she absorbs the details of the room. She expected a boring office, but the interior accessories are fun and colorful. There are pictures all along the wall including drawings done by who she assumes are her children. Sister begins to relax and finally notices the softness of the couch; it is so comfortable she is tempted to lay her head back and take a nap, if only for sixty seconds.

"Done," Dr. Nelson says getting up and walking over to Sister Gerard.

Sister Gerard is surprised that Dr. Nelson has on jeans. She is even more surprised to see flip flops on her feet.

"I know you were expecting some stuffy pretentious old fart in a suit."

Sister Gerard giggles quietly. Dr. Nelson sits down and crosses her legs.

"So, Sister, why are you here?"

"You can call me Allyson, Dr. Nelson."

"In that case, call me Patsy."

"Well Patsy I'm not sure why I'm here. I thought I was okay but I'm not, and it took a long time and some good friends to help me realize that."

"Why are your friends worried?"

"There's a lot going on in my life right now, and I can't deal with the present until I've dealt with the past. I can't handle two things at once."

Dr. Nelson sits quietly looking at Sister. It makes Sister a little uncomfortable. It has taken more courage than she knew she had to even keep her appointment, and now, after coming to terms with her need for help, she wants to run.

"So you are thinking that dealing with something in the past will make you able to handle what's going on right now?"

"Yes."

"Wow, my job just got a lot easier," Dr. Nelson says.

"Why do you say that?"

"Most people I encounter, I have to first make them realize there is some past experience interfering with their ability to live, help them discover that incident, and then assist in their coping with it. You already know the past experience that is blocking your progress. So tell me, what in your past is resurfacing due to some present experience."

Sister Gerard hadn't admitted her rape in a long time, and finds her voice suddenly gone. She feels the words stirring inside her, fighting to come out, but her body resisting.

"I was raped when I was twenty-one years old," she says.

There isn't an emotional response from the therapist, but simply a head nod. Sister Gerard was hoping for more, at least a look of disgust, but considering Patsy's line of work she is bound to become desensitized.

"Did you receive any counseling after it happened?"

"A little."

"How many months did you go?"

"I went to one session..."

"And then decided you didn't need it," Dr. Nelson said, continuing her statement.

"Exactly."

"Since hindsight is 20/20, do you wish you had continued or do you believe now is the perfect time to confront your rape?"

"I'm not really sure. I believe I'm mature enough now to deal with what happened. And despite the fact that I haven't dealt with my own issues, I've been able to use what happened to me to help others."

"What exactly do you do to help others?"

"My order has a counseling center and residence hall for young girls in need. Some have been raped, some are pregnant, some have run away from home, some have drug addictions, and some are abused."

"Is that what made you decide to get help? You realized that by dealing with your rape, you can finally admit it to them and help them?"

"That's part of it."

"What's the other part?"

"It's a long story."

"Well, I have plenty of time."

Sister Gerard didn't think she would have to talk about everything today. She has to start from the beginning, and that she does. She tells Dr. Nelson about everything that led her up to this point in her life. She tells her about every emotion, every fear, and every mistake. She cries, she gets angry, and she breaks down, even becoming so overwhelmed she suddenly becomes quiet and remains that way for five minutes.

For Sister Gerard, it is nice speaking to someone whose career depends on her remaining non-judgmental. It is a relief to hear the objective opinion of someone not emotionally invested, but simply there to help her cope. It is like Sister Gerard is telling a short story, beginning with the rape and ending with her current dilemma of having to tell her biological daughter the people who claim to love her have been lying to her out of a supposed attempt to protect her.

Dr. Nelson doesn't really respond during her storytelling, but listens. She absorbs every word, every gesture, and every tone of voice. Dr. Nelson is all about the details, and those small details help complete the story.

"And now, I'm at a crossroads where I can get help to make up for my mistakes or I can continue to pretend I can do this on my own."

"Do you really want my help?"

"Yes I do. I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

"Are you ready to listen to what you have been fighting to hear for sixteen years?"

Sister Gerard doesn't respond.

"Are you ready to work? I can't do this for you. You have to participate in your own healing. I may have a doctorate, but I'm not a physician with magic pills to make everything better. This will not be easy."

"Living like this hasn't been easy either; this will probably be a cake walk compared to how I've lived my life."

"I'm glad you are prepared to do what's necessary."

Dr. Nelson continues by describing the process. Sister Gerard is comforted by her. She is tough, but in a nurturing way. She understands the importance of asking Sister to do those uncomfortable things that will leave her in a much better place than she is now.

"Do you have any questions for me Sister?"

Sister Gerard looks at her watch.

"Well, it's almost 4."

"And?"

"Aren't our sessions an hour; I mean, that's what I've heard."

"Our sessions are as long as you need them to be."

Sister smiles.

"I can ask you anything?"

"Yes of course."

"Even something personal?"

"Well yes. I can't sit here and ask you a hundred personal questions without allowing you to do the same. I want you to be comfortable with me, and the more you know, the more comfortable you will be. Besides, I'm probing into your life. It's only fair I allow you to do the same."

Dr. Nelson gets up out of her chair and grabs two bottled waters from her small refrigerator. She returns and sits on the couch next to Sister with her legs crossed under her.

"So Allyson, what do you want to know?"

"Are you married?"

"I am and have been for fifteen years."

"Fifteen years? You must have gotten married very young. You can't be older than me."

"Well that is very sweet but I'm forty-two. And I have four children."

Dr. Nelson gets up off the couch, goes to her desk and picks up a picture frame. She hands it to Sister as she sits back down.

"This is my oldest Brandon, he is 12. These are my twin ten year old girls Charlotte and Grace. And this is my youngest Emma who is 7."

"You have a beautiful family."

"Thank you."

Sister Gerard stares at the picture, adoring their smiles. Her thoughts begin to drift to what it may have been like if she had chosen to be a mother instead of a nun. She could have had a picture like this with Gabrielle.

"How often do you think about what your life could have been like if you had not chosen to give Gabrielle away and become a nun?"

"Not too much but it does cross my mind. Then I think about all the good I have done, even the good in giving her to a family that could take care of her."

"Despite your current situation, I think giving her up for adoption was the best and selfless choice."

"My only mistake was hiding the adoption from her and completely removing myself from her life."

"I know you've heard this a million times but you made the best choice you could at the time. What's important is that you are trying to rectify it now."

"Do you think about how different your life could be if you had made a different choice, a different career or a different husband?"

"No I don't. If I allow the hundreds of possible "what ifs" rule my life, I'll never appreciate what I have now. And I'm happy; I love my life. I wouldn't want anything to be different."

Sister Gerard puts the picture down on the coffee table and looks around the room again, hoping something will spark a question that will change the subject.

"Looks like you've traveled a lot."

"My husband and I like to take a vacation at least once a year alone and then one with the children."

"What was your favorite place?"

"Wow, that is a difficult question. I would have to say so far my favorite place was Greece. It was exceptionally beautiful and the food was amazing. Have you traveled anywhere?"

"No. A nun's salary doesn't really allow for travel. Besides, I have so many girls who need my help here."

"Young women need help everywhere. There's nothing saying you and your fellow Sisters couldn't go on a mission trip. I'm sure that would be wonderful. Just imagine being able to go somewhere that, let's say, has an increasing teenage pregnancy rate and speak to young women about protecting themselves."

Sister Gerard has never thought about expanding her vocation beyond the city of Birmingham.

"Sister, I mean Allyson, one choice doesn't have to exclude another opportunity. Expand your thought process and find a way to do the things you want while still observing your vocation. You could influence the lives of so many people; I think you should take that opportunity."

"Can I do that instead of coming to therapy?"

Both women laugh as Dr. Nelson takes a look at her watch again.

"I'm sorry Sister but I'm going to have to end our session here. I have to pick up my twins from ballet practice."

Sister Gerard looks at her watch and sees they have been talking for another thirty minutes.

"When would you like to come back Allyson?"

"When are you free?"

"Whenever you need me."

"Honestly Patsy, I didn't expect this experience."

"What did you expect?"

"I'm not really sure. I guess I've been watching too much television. I expected it to be formal and uncomfortable. I expected you to be like a machine, just asking routine impersonal questions with generic answers to my questions. I thought this would just be your job, and you would treat it as such."

"Meaning I would act like I care and not truly be interested in your life and helping you improve it?"

"Yes," she says hesitantly. "Are you offended?"

"Absolutely not. I like being different and I like pleasantly surprising people."

Sister Gerard stands up and adjusts her skirt as Dr. Nelson looks through her appointment book.

"Would you like to come once, twice, or three times a week?"

"Three would be okay."

"I can see you are an overachiever."

"She is right about that," Sister Gerard thinks to herself.

"Are afternoons okay?"

"Yes."

"Okay, well it is Wednesday, so that doesn't leave much time for two more appointments this week. Would you like to come back Friday at the same time? And then if you want, we can have lunch Saturday."

"That sounds great."

"Perfect. I will see you Friday at three then."

"Thank you Patsy."

"You are very welcome Allyson," she says sitting at her desk.

Sister Gerard opens the door and turns around. Before closing it, she asks Dr. Nelson one more question.

"I don't know if you can answer this question but have you ever counseled a nun before?"

Dr. Nelson looks up from her after-session work.

"Yes I have and a few priests too."

Sister smiles finding this new information comforting. Even the holiest of people have problems.

"I'm sorry; one more question. You aren't surprised that we have to have therapy?"

"No. Unlike you all, I remember you are still human."

***

The quiet of the building is violently interrupted by the swinging of the front door and the noise of it hitting the wall.

"I really need to see Sister Gerard," Marie says standing in front of Leonard, eyes filled with tears.

"Do you have an appointment Miss?"

"No sir, but this is an emergency."

"I'm sorry ma'am but she is currently busy."

"Please sir. It is so important," she says, her voice rising with each word.

Sister Gerard, recognizing Marie's voice, turns around from her conversation near the back of the building and sees Marie begging to see her. Although she is currently preparing for a meeting with the Bishop about the new center, she tells Sister Theresa and Sister Robert to start the meeting and she will be there as soon as possible.

"It's okay Leonard," she says putting her hand on his arm and smiling at Marie.

"I really need to talk to you Sister."

Sister Gerard is saddened by her disheveled appearance and swollen eyes; she can see the enormous amount of crying she has been doing. She puts her arm around her shoulder and guides her to the office. Once they have settled on the couch, Marie breaks down again.

"Darling, what is wrong? Please tell me."

"My parents are liars. Well the people who raised me are liars."

Sister Gerard can feel her heart drop and her stomach turn. She can feel her preparation becoming useless and her effort to get help to handle this situation, fruitless.

"What have they lied about honey?"

Marie raises her head and looks Sister in the eyes. It frightens her; she is afraid Marie will be able to see the secret she is hiding.

"I'm adopted."

Sister Gerard pauses, taking a couple seconds to gather an appropriate reaction. She has to pretend to be shocked; she doesn't know if she has the energy to pretend anymore. She is certain pretending is what got her in this precarious situation.

"I know. I was speechless too."

"How did you find out?"

"My parents told me today; about thirty minutes before I got here."

Sister Gerard assumed she found out, but Susan and David had taken it upon themselves to disregard the plan they devised. Now, she has to think on her feet. Does she reveal everything? Does she tell Marie she is her mother? Would that be such a good idea considering the trauma of learning she is an adopted child?

"I am so angry. Actually, angry might be an understatement. How could they lie to me like that? How could they keep this from me for so long?"

Sister Gerard shrugs her shoulders fearing if she opened her mouth, she would blurt out the rest of the truth.

"I could understand keeping it from me for a few years, but once I became old enough to understand they should have told me. And I don't need this stress in my delicate state."

Sister Gerard puts her hand on Marie's back, trying to comfort her with touch and positive energy, instead of words.

"They are so selfish."

"This surely doesn't devalue their role as your parents and the wonderful job they have done raising you?"

"Yes, it does!" she yells.

The room is silent once again, Sister Gerard relieved she is able to suppress her urge to yell the thing she is most afraid to say.

"I'm sorry Sister; I'm just frustrated."

"I understand sweetheart, but did you ask them why they hid it from you?"

"No I didn't. It doesn't matter. They betrayed me. The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

She knows Marie is right. No matter their supposed good intentions, the effect is still the same. Marie has still suffered a traumatic experience that could have been prevented.

"What did they say?"

"I didn't give them time to say much of anything. I just grabbed my keys and came here; I wanted to be somewhere safe"

Marie has come here to feel secure and to be around someone who would never deceive her in such a horrible way. What Marie doesn't know is that this series of lies began with her.

"Marie, I think you should go home and listen to them."

"What could they say to make this better? What could they tell me that would alleviate the pain? What could justify their actions?"

"Probably nothing," Sister Gerard says.

"Exactly."

"But, understanding their reasons will help you heal."

"I am not in an emotional state to even look at them right now. I just need to be here and vent to someone I trust."

Sister Gerard feels her heart constrict. Marie has invested her emotional and mental stability in someone who is about to pour hot water on her open sore.

"I can't think of any reason they would hide this from me. And I feel like if they could, they would have kept it from me for the rest of my life."

"You don't know that. I believe eventually they would have told you. Perhaps they were just waiting for the right time."

"Seven years? I think I would have been able to understand at the age of ten. Why didn't they tell me then?"

"Maybe they felt like they were protecting you? Maybe they didn't want you to feel abandoned by your biological parents?

"How do they know how I would feel?"

"I guess they don't."

Sister Gerard grows frustrated. Nothing she is saying is making an impact, and each time she thinks of something that may combat Marie's fury, she has a comeback that even Sister cannot deny. Marie is not the type of lady to just accept things at face value, but questions and analyzes even the simplest actions.

"It is going to take a long time for me to forgive this," Marie says beginning to pace while placing her hands on her belly.

"I know you are upset, but eventually that will settle. Once it does, give your parents a chance to explain."

"My parents?"

"Yes, despite your feelings, they are still your parents and they still devoted their lives to raising you. No matter what, you have to respect that."

"I don't have to do anything," Marie says.

"No you don't, but if you want to heal and not do anything you will regret, you should listen to them once you have calmed down."

Marie sits back down next to Sister.

"Maybe you are right. I am curious as to why they hid this from me."

"Don't assume it was for selfish reasons."

"In this situation, seems like the only type of reasons would be selfish.

"Just don't go into the conversation with any presumptions. You never know; they may surprise you."

Marie begins to stir again, Sister Gerard noticing her face becoming red and her lips pursing tightly..

"Why do you think they did it?"

"What?" Sister Gerard says surprised by the question.

"Why do you think they hid this from me? I'm curious about your thoughts on the situation."

"I'm not sure. There are a multitude of reasons they may have chosen to keep this from you."

"Like what?"

"Marie, I really don't want to answer that question. I want you to go into the conversation with your parents with an open mind."

"Please just tell me some things you have heard."

"I don't think so."

Sister Gerard is beginning to feel pushed into a corner. Just like Sister, Marie is determined, and will persist until she hears what she wants to hear.

"Why do you think they did this?"

"I don't know."

"You are smart. You must have some feeling of why."

"No, I don't."

Sister Gerard is being pushed to respond to a question she knows the answer to, but is reluctant to disclose.

"Come on Sister, just one thing."

Sister Gerard feels the truth stirring, making its way up her esophagus to her throat and out of her mouth. She can feel her body becoming heavy with every lies' burden, desiring the relief of telling the truth. And she cannot stop it; it has a mind of its own. Sister just shakes her head, knowing that if asked one more time, the truth that should be told with tact and sensitivity will come out immediately and add fuel to the fire.

"Sister, I just need a comfort. Give me one good reason why my parents would hide my adoption."

"Because your mother told them to," Sister Gerard says abruptly, "Because your biological mother asked them not to tell you."

Marie's demeanor begins to change as she becomes aware of the certainty of Sister's statement. Marie becomes uneasy, suddenly feeling the hurt of being the only person who didn't know the truth; being the person who should have known above everyone else.

"You know I'm adopted?"

"Yes, I do."

"My parents told you? How did they know I was coming to see you? Did Brad know? Did he tell you?"

"No no...it's nothing like that."

"How did you know?"

Sister Gerard takes a deep breath, preparing for every possible reaction. She prepares for the look on her face or the sudden flow of tears. She prepares to be called things she has only heard on television, or for an angry exit. She realizes this may be the last time she sees Marie. She comes to terms with the anger she may never be able to break through. She prepares to be hated and transform from the woman Marie trusts more than anyone to the woman who betrayed her in the worst way.

"Sister, how do you know?"

"Marie," Sister Gerard says putting her hand on hers, "I'm your mother."

Marie is perfectly still, even her eyes who have locked with hers, are without movement. Sister can see Marie's breathing hasten and feel her hands begin to shake. Although it seems like hours, seconds later Marie pulls her hand out of Sister's and stands.

"You are my mother? You are my biological mother?" she says, hesitating between each word.

"Yes Gaby, I am your mother."

Gabrielle doesn't speak and turns toward the door.

"Please don't leave. Please let me explain."

"I trusted you. I trusted you to always be honest with me. Even as my mother, you didn't think I deserved to know the truth."

"That's not true. I promise, I did what I did thinking I was protecting you."

"Protecting me from what exactly? You of all people should know the importance of honesty."

"I was protecting you from knowing your biological mother chose being a nun over being your mom."

Sister Gerard hangs her head, disgusted by her own words.

"You didn't want me?"

"No. See, this is exactly what I was trying to prevent. I didn't think I could give you the life you deserved."

"Even so, you didn't have to deny me a relationship with you."

"Well, if you never knew, you wouldn't have felt that need. And I didn't know if I could give you what you would have expected of me."

"Everyone in my life made all of these assumptions about what I would expect, want, or need. You obviously didn't know."

"No I didn't."

"What am I supposed to do now?"

Sister thinks for a few minutes, contemplating what she can do now as an act of maternal nurturing. She wonders if it will even mean much to her daughter now; 17 years into her life, she wants to act like a concerned parent. Sister's mind is racing, reflecting on the right words to say and the best action to take. But to Gabrielle, Sister's face appears blank and emotionless.

"You have nothing to say?"

Without waiting for a response, Marie walks out of the door. Breaking from her thoughtful daze, she sees the back of Gabrielle's head as she leaves the room and Sister runs after her.

"Gabrielle, please give me a chance. I want to talk to you. I want to answer all of your questions."

Gabrielle does not turn around. She continues her race to the door.

"Gabrielle, please," Sister begs, beginning to cry as she watches her daughter walk out of the door.

Sister Robert sees what is going on and runs after Gabrielle. Catching her as she is about to get in her car, she grabs her arm and is immediately saddened by the look on her face.

"Hi Gabrielle," Sister Robert says turning her around and hugging her. "It's so nice to see you again."

Gabrielle remains silent.

"Why don't we go sit in the garden and talk?"

Meanwhile, Sister Gerard has returned to her office and as soon as she closes the door and locks it, she collapses on the floor. She releases every emotion she has been holding in for the past few weeks and unleashes them on her black trousers.

"I want to tell you that your mother talked about you constantly."

"Really?" Gabrielle asks, surprised to know that she wasn't a disappearing thought after she was given up for adoption.

"Yes, your mother talked about you all of the time."

"It doesn't matter. It doesn't make it any better that she conspired to have me lied to for the rest of my life."

"I know you don't believe this, but she did the best she could. She was in an extremely difficult situation. You know firsthand what she went through."

"But I actually thought about my son in my decision making."

"She didn't think of anyone but you. She was still in college and couldn't provide for you. It was the most selfless thing for her to put your needs before her own and give you to a family that could love and provide for you."

Gabrielle thinks about her own conversations with Sister Gerard. She thinks about the time they spent thinking about adoption as the best choice.

"Obviously she didn't regret giving me up because she was trying to convince me to give up my son."

"Honestly, she didn't regret giving you up. Every month when she read those letters from Susan and David, she realized the blessed life you had and became more and more confident in her decision."

"Letter? What letters?"

"One of the conditions of your adoption, was that although Allyson, I'm sorry Sister Gerard, didn't feel like it would be good to be in your life, she wanted to know how you were doing. So your parents wrote her letters. She kept them all."

Gabrielle begins to calm down, realizing her mother was interested in her life.

"She knows everything about you."

"Why didn't she recognize me the first time she saw me?"

"About 8 years ago, she asked they stop sending pictures. She realizes that if she knew what you looked like, she would look for you every time she was in a public place. She knew it would consume her; she didn't want to be tempted to disrupt your life."

"It may have been selfless to give me up, but it isn't to have my parents lie to me. Why would she ask them to do that?"

Sister Robert is uncertain about exposing the truth behind Sister Gerard's choice; that is not her secret to tell.

"I think you should ask her," Sister says grabbing her hand and attempting to pull her on her feet and walk her back inside.

"I don't want to ask her. I want you to tell me. You must know. She confided in you about everything; she must have told you why she wanted to keep it a secret from me."

"Gabrielle, I really don't believe that is my business to tell."

"Then make it your business," Gabrielle says, tired of the abundance of unanswered questions and the number of people willing to keep her in the dark. "I will talk to her if you tell me. I will give her a chance if you tell me."

Sister Robert, despite her hesitation and potential consequences of breaking trust with her best friend, she sacrifices that bond.

"Your mother wanted you to remain ignorant because she didn't want to have to tell you about what happened to her."

"What happened to her?"

Sister Robert begins to rethink her decision to compromise Sister Gerard's trust to encourage reconciliation with her daughter.

"Please, just tell me."

"I really think she should tell you."

"Tell me damnit!"

"Your mother didn't want you to know you are a product of rape," she responds feeling forced to answer.

"She was raped?!"

"Yes and by someone she trusted. She was ashamed and didn't want you to feel the same shame, towards yourself or her."

"But I'm smart enough to know it wasn't her fault. Makes sense now how a nun could have a child."

"Well nuns are allowed to have children as long as they are no longer dependent children. But that's besides the point."

"I can't imagine what she went through," Gabrielle says, finally feeling some sympathy for her biological mother. "Things are never black and white."

"No they aren't. Please talk to her and give her a chance to explain. You have no idea how devastated she is."

"What about me?"

"That's why she's devastated honey. It has always been about you, and even more-so now."

While they sit outside, Gabrielle deciding whether to go back inside or drive away, Sister Gerard has found the strength to remove her broken body from the floor and sit at her desk. She immediately picks up the phone.

"Hi Susan, this is Allyson."

"Hi," Susan says with a guilty tone.

"Guess you couldn't wait and actually follow through on our plan."

"Oh my gosh, she is there? I am so relieved; we didn't know where she went. She stormed out of here without a word."

"Yes, she came to see me. Why didn't you all stick to the plan to tell her together?"

I'm sorry Sister but we couldn't hide our anxiety; she was beginning to sense something was wrong."

"You could have called and asked me to come over. You could have resisted, knowing our plan was probably the least painful approach. You could have put your daughter before your own need to relieve your guilt."

"Sister, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but your choice put this in motion, not ours. We did what was best for our family."

"Well, I told her I was her mother. She ran out and I'm not sure where she went or what she is going to do. She was extremely upset."

"Did you tell her about Brad?"

"Thanks for the concern about me Susan, and no, I did not tell her Brad was her father."

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. Everyone involved is anxious and worried about Gabrielle."

"What did she say to you?"

"She wanted to know why you all lied to her. Then I told her the truth and took all the blame. I believe she is more angry with me now, where the anger should be."

"Allyson, it isn't all your fault. At any moment, we could have thought about the best interest of our daughter and told her anyway."

Sister doesn't respond. Susan's reassurances are failing to relieve her guilt; instead they are deepening her regrets and she begins to quietly cry.

"Allyson, what are we going to do?"

"I don't know," she says as Gabrielle appears at her door. "She's here," she says quickly hanging up the phone.

"Gabrielle, I'm so sorry," she says getting up and holding her.

Gabrielle stands there arms to her side, stoically resisting her mother's embrace. She slowly begins to lift her arms feeling her mother's tears on her neck and the beat of her heart. Sister Gerard's body relaxes when she feels her daughter's arms on her back. Sister Gerard smiles and chuckles while tightening her grip. Sister lifts her head and looks at Sister Robert. "Thank you," she mouths before kissing Gabrielle on the cheek. Sister Gerard pulls away, putting her hand on Gabrielle's face.

"I will answer every question you have and even the ones you can't think of."

Gabrielle nods her head and sits on the couch.

"Thank you Sister," Sister Gerard says again.

"My pleasure," Sister Robert says turning to go back to her office.

"No, please stay," Gabrielle says.

"No sweetheart. You need to have this alone time with your mother."

"Sister Robert, please stay. I want Gabrielle to be comfortable."

Sister Robert walks in and closes the door behind her. She sits next to Gabrielle with Sister Gerard across from them.

"So, ask me anything."

***

"Thank you for meeting me on such short notice," Sister Gerard says sitting across from Dr. Nelson in a corner booth in Panera Bread Company.

"No problem. Everyone has to eat. Now, what's going on?"

"Gabrielle knows she is adopted. She came crying to me today."

"I thought you had decided, along with her parents, to wait and tell her together."

"They said the stress was wearing on them and causing them to act differently. So they went ahead and told her when they sensed Gabrielle was becoming suspicious of their behavior."

"And how did she take the news?"

"It wasn't pretty. I felt obligated to tell her I'm her biological mother."

"I'm sure she was upset."

Sister Gerard proceeds to tell her the details of the incident. She still hasn't spoken to Sister Robert about their conversation.

"Were you upset with Sister Robert for telling her about the rape?"

"Honestly, no. She is my best friend and I knew her intentions were to only explain my behavior and encourage Gabrielle to give me a chance. Perhaps I'm having a delayed reaction to something that could be considered betrayal."

"It's only betrayal if you feel like she broke your trust; from what I can see, you don't believe that."

Sister Gerard has not given much thought to Sister Robert's actions. Considering the entire happenings of the day, her indiscretion is a minute concern compared to the emotional and mental state of her daughter.

"Patsy, I'm not sure what to do next? I'm afraid."

"What are you afraid of?"

"I'm mostly afraid for her. She now knows she is the product of violence; that can't be easy for anyone to cope with. And I certainly don't want her to deal with trauma the way I have."

"So make sure she gets the help she needs."

"She isn't going to accept it from me."

"Then make sure someone you trust is there for her. Do for her what you haven't been able to do for yourself."

Sister Gerard takes a sip of her diet pepsi, shuffling through the many questions in her head to find the right one to ask next. Dr. Nelson speaks before she decides on a question.

"What do you want? Have you thought about that?"

Sister shrugs her shoulders and takes a bite of her salad. She no longer trusts her own instinct. She wants to have a relationship with her, and the need to finally prove herself as a mother dominates her thoughts.

"I'm sure you want a relationship with her," Patsy continues.

"I do."

"Then you should work on achieving that."

"I'm not sure she will want to even speak to me. Even though we embraced, the positive emotions of that beautiful moment began to fade as I answered her questions. She is furious; she will not respond to my calls or text messages."

Dr. Nelson's mouth drops.

"What?"

"Text messages?"

"Yes. We aren't completely technologically ignorant; I have a Blackberry."

Both ladies smile, some of the tension easing with the comedic relief.

"She was so angry Patsy; so angry. The fury in her eyes was so paralyzing, I often found it impossible to even speak, yet alone find the right words. I'm not certain I can break through that wall."

The last few minutes of her conversation with Gabrielle plays in her mind like a movie projected on a screen. The view of Dr. Nelson taking a bite of her panini is covered by the look on her daughter's face as she answered questions she spent her life avoiding.

"You know what was interesting Patsy. She wasn't upset that I gave her up at all; she didn't even mention any feelings of shame because of the way she was conceived. She was most angry about the lying."

"That makes sense Allyson. She can see you had no control over how you got pregnant and she knows giving her up for adoption was the best option. She knows she has a good family. The lying was an intentional breach of trust that lasted years."

"So in her mind, there is no good motive for lying to her for so long."

"From what you have told me, she is an extremely intelligent young woman. You have ultimately made her feel ignorant and naive; acting as if she wouldn't be able to handle the truth."

"So I've betrayed her and made her feel stupid?"

"That's only how she feels; that's not necessarily the reality. She will know, after some time, that your decision had no bearing on her ability to manage the situation,"

"That makes me sound so inconsiderate. I sound like a mother who doesn't trust her daughter's capabilities."

"You do realize that there was no way for you to know the kind of a woman she would become."

"I believe logical Allyson has left the building."

"Then we need to get her back."

"I've never been accused of leading with my heart, but now, it's breaking, and it's all I can do not to run to Susan's house and wait in front of the door until Gabrielle agrees to speak to me. At least find out that she's okay."

Sister Gerard has always let her brain lead her actions. She believes that maybe if she had allowed some more of her feelings to interject in her decision making, better choices would have been made. "Does Gabrielle want me to love her?" she asks herself.

"Do you think she will understand my decisions were made from a place of love?"

"Do you believe that?"

Sister Gerard has debated that issue for years, trying to figure out if her actions were selfless or selfish. She worries herself to the point of exhaustion thinking about whether it was love or a lack of it that led her to make all of her subsequent choices. She deliberated which label to attach, "good mother" or "bad mother."

"Do you think I'm a good mother?"

"I can't answer that."

"Why?"

"Allyson, there is no way to define what a good or bad mother is. All mothers simply do the best they can. And Gabrielle isn't going to believe your actions derived from an intense love if you don't believe it. You have to convince yourself first before you can even begin to convince her."

Sister Gerard is desperate to hear that she is a good mother. She craves the sound of someone telling her she made the right choice. She needs the mother sitting in front of her to say that she would have done the same thing in her position. She can already imagine what Dr. Nelson would say if she asked. "I don't know what I would do," she would say, a response lacking the confidence boost she needs. She is a therapist; she is trained to never inject herself into someone else's life. There's no "this is what I would do," but "let me help you figure out for yourself what you should do." Dr. Nelson can feel her anxiety projecting from her and speaks before Sister drowns in her own thoughts of "what ifs."

"Listen Allyson, she is going to be angry, but she will not be angry forever. I promise, one day she will want to know you."

"What should I do while I wait?"

"Do what you do best. Help people, pray, and respect her wishes."

"So I shouldn't go see her?"

"No. Right now she believes both you and her parents do not respect her and respect what she wants. This is the time to show her that you are considering what she wants, even if it isn't what you want."

Sister Gerard pushes her salad to the side, placing her fork on her napkin. She is suddenly sick with the idea that Dr. Nelson may be wrong. Gabrielle may never want to give her a chance or have a relationship with her.

"I'm afraid to give her space."

"I know; you fear she will forget about you. You are scared that if you don't remind her that you will wait until she's ready, she will never take the chance in the future."

She doesn't know how Dr. Nelson can read her mind, but she knew her concerns before she could even finish thinking them.

"Allyson, you are her mother; she will never forget you. Even if she decides that she doesn't want a relationship with you, which I have to admit is possible, she will see you again, if just to tell you to stay out of her life."

Sister hangs her head, putting her hand over her eyes. She tries to force the tears back in, but Dr. Nelson can see them on her cheek.

"I'm sorry Allyson, but I'm not here to coddle you. I'm here to tell you the truth in the most productive way possible. It is my responsibility to make sure you are prepared for all possibilities."

"I know the truth hurts, but I was hoping to remain ignorant."

"But look at what ignorance and denial have done."

Sister Gerard has to admit that denial has not served her well. It has prevented her from getting help she has needed for fifteen years. Everything that has happened stems from her insistence on remaining in denial and loving its false sense of security.

"I guess it's time for me to admit to the reality of my life."

"That would be best."

Sister Gerard giggles nervously as she thinks about the difficulty of taking a different approach to her life. It isn't just about dealing with what has happened, but learning new ways of coping. She has lived the last thirty-years destructively, and now has to work on rebuilding her life.

"And remember Allyson, I'm here to help you with that."

"How hard is it to change?" she asks Dr. Nelson as they get up from their booth.

"It depends on whether or not you are ready to change."

"I'm not sure if I am. Despite its complications, I have become extremely comfortable with living this way. It must be weird to have a patient tell you they are most comfortable living like I have."

"Actually, it's pretty common. It's like when I meet someone who likes to complain. They find more comfort in acknowledging what is wrong than focusing on the good. Somehow, it makes them feel alive to complain. Some people feel more when they are in misery than happy."

"I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I were happy.'

"I'm certain you'll figure it out."

Sister Gerard takes a deep breath as she settles into the driver's seat of her car. She picks up her phone and resisting the temptation to text Gabrielle, simply turns her ringer back on and puts it down on the seat. As soon as she cranks the car, her phone rings. She grabs it immediately, and is slightly disappointed to see Sister Robert's name appear on the screen. However, any familiar comforting voice is better than none.

"Hello."

"Hi Allyson. How are you?"

"I'm fine Grace. I just left an appointment with my therapist."

"Are you coming back to the office?"

"I think I'm going to go straight home. I've had enough for today."

"Okay. I spoke to Sister Theresa and Sister Patrick and they both said the meeting went well."

"I completely forgot that was going on yesterday. Was Sister Theresa upset?"

"She was until I explained everything. She offered you an open invitation to come talk anytime if you need to."

"Thank you."

Sister Gerard remains quiet, waiting for the words she knows Sister Robert wants to say, despite their futility.

"Allyson, I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize Gracie."

"Yes I do. I had no business telling Gabrielle about the rape, but I felt that was the only thing that would generate enough sympathy so that she would at least come talk to you and hear what you have to say."

"If it were anyone else, I would be upset."

"So you aren't mad at me?"

"No. You did what you thought was right. You actually helped."

"How is that?"

"One more person knowing relieves some of the burden of carrying a secret. It's like you took a brick out of the bag I've been carrying for so long. So Grace, I should be telling you thank you."

Sister Gerard can hear quiet sniffles.

"There is no need to cry Grace. You are an amazing friend and you need to know that."

"Thank you," she says with a phlegm filled throat. "I really appreciate that."

"I just need you to do me a favor."

"Anything."

"Gabrielle will still need someone to confide in, and I think that should be you. She obviously trusts you considering what happened yesterday afternoon. She needs someone to talk about this and to continue helping her through her pregnancy. I need you to do that for me; I need to know she is okay."

"I'll be happy to. I'm glad you trust me with your daughter's well-being."

"Someone needs to be looking out for it.'

"Ally, you know as well as I do, that in our line of work we have seen worse. We have seen mothers do worse. Including those, knowing they don't have the resources to take care of a child, choose to keep it out of a selfish need to love and be loved."

"Grace is right," Sister Gerard thinks to herself. Perhaps therapy will help her stop punishing herself for doing only what she can, which is make the best decision with the information she has in the circumstances she has been given.

"I'll go by the grocery store on the way home. I'll cook your favorite."

"That's not necessary Ally."

"Yes it is. You helped save my life."

# Chapter 12

The apartment's walls were a boring beige with a few bright colored paintings. Boxes still remained in the corners and unsorted kitchen utensils covered the dining room table. When Allyson walked in, it no longer felt like home. Despite being there for six months, it was still difficult coping with her new responsibilities. Those typical adult responsibilities had been the easy part; what was difficult, was dealing with her new life as a nun.

She had wanted to be a nun since in high school, but now, she was reconsidering her decision. Well, "not really," she thought to herself sitting on the edge of her bed looking through the mail. Most of it was for her roommate, Sister Robert, but there were a couple of things for her. Sister Robert had decided to be responsible for paying the bills, a duty Sister Gerard happily relinquished. She believed Sister Robert spent too much time sitting on the floor in front of the couch writing checks and making sure enough money was deposited into their joint account.

Sister was about to go through her mail when she heard the front door open.

"Hi Grace," Sister Gerard said as she walked out of her room into the den.

Sister Robert was holding two large paper bags in her hand, her purse carefully balanced on top. Sister Gerard grabbed her purse and a bag and walked with her to the kitchen.

"How was your day Allyson?"

"It was okay....tiring. I don't know how you got through the training. It is just so much information."

"It is a lot of information," she said putting her bag on the table. "But, just keep in mind it is worth the small struggle. I just finished six months ago so I'm not too removed from my start as a nun. I remember exactly how I felt."

"And how was that?"

"Like I was way in over my head. It was different than what I expected, but in a good way. I got to keep a lot of things I expected to lose."

"Like what? Your sanity?"

"Haha, no. I got to keep my identity. I am not "Jesus' wife," just a dedicated disciple of Christ."

Although Sister Gerard had been aware of what she would have to sacrifice, she didn't expect it to be so difficult. She didn't expect to continue her role as a student. She had to relearn how to live; live within prescribed boundaries. She missed things she didn't think she would, like her parents, and the freedom of her daily endeavors, and sometimes even Brad. She had even been surprised by her own feeling of being overwhelmed.

"Are you excited about seeing your first client tomorrow?"

"Honestly, no. I'm nervous and scared. I'll be responsible for the well-being of someone else, and I don't think I'm prepared for that."

"There are two important things I learned that helped me get through my first two months. The first is just to listen. You will be surprised how many women come in just because they want someone to listen to them and their concerns. Many of them have never felt like they were of any concern to anyone else; they have never felt heard."

"And the second?"

"Trust your female instincts. What may seem like the wrong thing to say may actually be what they need to hear. Trust yourself; if they sense you are uncertain, they will be more unsure than they are when they come in. They need to be confident in the advice you are giving them."

"I feel like I should be writing this down."

"No. From what Sister Mary Theresa has said, you are perfect for this and the person these women need the most."

"So you're basically saying I'll know what to do."

"Yes you will. Now, you should go rest and I'll start preparing dinner."

Without responding, Sister Gerard got up from the table and lay back down on her bed. The majority of her worry was a consequence of fearing failure. She wasn't concerned about failing her sisterhood or herself, but mostly the young women who look to her for guidance. The last thing she wanted to do was misguide someone to the edge of a cliff, giving them no option but to jump off.

After staring at the popcorn ceiling for fifteen minutes, she sat up on the edge of the bed. As her eyes drifted from the ceiling to the dresser, she noticed her unopened mail. She leaned over off the edge of the bed and grabbed it. She was about to open the first envelope from the Diocese when she noticed the return address on the second. She immediately discarded the first envelope to open the second, the first thing she saw being a picture of her little girl. She turned the picture over to see the writing "Gaby's first birthday."

It had taken months of work for Sister to get to a place where each monthly letter didn't result in agony. She slowly read the letter, taking in every word about the progress of her daughter's development. "She's already extremely smart," Sister Gerard reread until she was urged to move on by her own curiosity.

Then the letter changed to the details of her party, from the pink and purple balloons all around the house to the clown David hired but had to kick out because he was frightening the children. There was a list of all of the gifts and a thank you for the gift she sent the prior week. "Gabrielle can't stop playing with it," the letter stated about the Playschool keyboard she sent. The last line of the letter, "She is doing beautifully," gave her the most comfort as she put it back in her hiding spot.

As soon as she closed the closet the door, Sister Robert poked her head in.

"Ally, I forgot to wash the kitchen towels. Would you mind if I used one of your small ones?"

"No problem," Sister Gerard said and then invited her to go into the bathroom and get what she needed. While she browsed the many towels in the bathroom closet, Sister Gerard turned her attention to the letter from the Diocese. It appeared to be a form letter thanking her for her decision to serve the Catholic Church and God.

"Who is this?" Sister Robert asked picking up the picture of Gabrielle.

Sister Gerard had been so entrenched in her letter, enjoying the attention and adoration from the Bishop that she had forgotten to put the picture in her side table drawer. Sister Gerard, completely taken aback by the question, attempted to come up with a believable response.

"That's my niece. Beautiful isn't she?"

"Yes she is, but I thought you said you are an only child."

Sister Gerard had not really thoroughly considered her response before speaking; it was believable, but not conceivable. Sister Gerard sat in silence trying to create a full story to correspond with her fib. Unfortunately, the silence, however brief, led Sister Robert to suspect. Sister Gerard knew the twenty seconds she had been taking would leave Sister Robert skeptical of any answer.

Sister Gerard bowed her head and conceded.

"That's my daughter Gabrielle."

"Your daughter?! You have a daughter?"

"Yes I do; she just turned one year old a week ago."

"Wow."

"I gave her up for adoption after I had her."

"Were you married?"

"Obviously not."

Sister Robert sat quietly, unable to speak.

"I'm not comfortable with this," she finally said.

"What do you mean? I thought we were supposed to remain without judgment."

"It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"This is quite a secret to keep."

"Sister Theresa knows sweetie."

"Oh...and she was okay with it?"

"Yes. She understood my situation and accepted it. She just asked that I go to confession everyday."

"Do you?"

"Yes ma'am."

"How do you hold onto this without imploding?"

Sister Gerard didn't know the answer to that question. She simply shrugged in response, and tried to divert the conversation to something else. She could anticipate the next series of questions if she didn't take it upon herself to guide their discussion in a manner that wouldn't leave her uncomfortable and tense.

With each attempted diversion, Sister Robert's curiosity grew, and she knew she wouldn't make it to the dining room table for dinner without telling the entire story. There were details she could afford to keep undisclosed, but Sister Robert had already proven herself to be someone who could see through bull, and Sister Gerard didn't want to take the chance of alienating someone who could be an ally.

"You can tell me now or I can force it out of you later," she said jokingly. "Honestly, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I may be able to help."

Sister Robert sat down on the bed next to Sister Gerard. Despite preferring to run into the bathroom and lock the door, she told her story. She told Sister Robert everything she could muster the strength to say, leaving out what she considered unnecessary details. It should have been a relief to tell someone. However, it was one more person she felt she had to worry would accidentally reveal her secrets, or abandon her after serious thought about her transgressions.

Sister Gerard sat in her new cubicle, noticing how small it was. There was barely room for a desk and two chairs. Sister Robert could barely fit another chair next to her to observe her first session. A crucifix hung on the front of the desk, and other than that, there was only a small picture of the Pope. Sister Gerard didn't have the space to decorate, so she brought one picture of her and Clarissa to put on her desk. It was the only picture she had that conjured more positive thoughts than negative.

"Are you ready?" Sister Robert asked as she sat next to Sister Gerard who appeared panicked.

"Not really."

"You will be fine."

Sister Gerard sat up and closed her eyes for a few minutes. Breathing deeply and trying to slow her pounding heart.

"How did you maneuver this?" Sister Gerard asked, turning to face Sister Robert who had taken out a notepad and pen.

"What do you mean?"

"They usually don't allow someone still in training to monitor a session."

"Well, I spoke to Sister Mary Theresa and convinced her that you were so anxious, I would be the best person to join you so you would be more comfortable."

"I'm glad you are here."

"Do you need to go get some air? Your face looks like it's turning green."

"No, I'll be fine."

"Allyson, you are working yourself up for no reason. You will be wonderful."

She nodded her head and picked up the file sitting on the desk that Sister Robert brought with her. She opened it and scanned each line, learning in the next fifteen minutes as many details about this young woman as she could.

"She goes by the nickname Ray. I talked to Sister Luke who works at the school. She is a really nice girl. She just got into some trouble."

"Do we know what happened to her?"

"No we don't. If Sister Luke refers a young woman to us, she does not tell us what happened. She doesn't violate the girl's trust, which is extremely important. Also, it's important we only know what our clients want us to know out of respect for them."

Sister Gerard kept reading the small file, taking in everything. She repeated her birthday, height, weight, name of middle school, GPA, age, and family structure over and over. "I have to impress her; make her think I've taken time to get to know as much as possible," she thought to herself as she tried memorizing the information.

"Allyson, those details aren't the important ones; the important ones are the ones she will tell you."

Sister Gerard began to wonder if she was repeating things out loud, considering Sister Robert could see what she was thinking on her face.

"You must be good at helping them."

"Why do you say that?" Sister Robert asked.

"Because you are very good at reading people."

Sister Robert chuckled. "It's not an inherent gift; I had to learn to read body language and facial expressions. I can teach you the same thing; you will probably be better than me one day."

The next five minutes passed slowly, as Sister Gerard looked for a young girl in a Sacred Heart uniform. The second she closed her eyes, she missed her entrance. The next thing she knew, Sister Robert was tapping her arm and a young woman was standing in the doorway.

"Hi," the young lady said softly, obviously on edge about her visit.

"Hi Ray. I'm Sister Mary Robert and this is Sister Mary Gerard. She will be helping you today and I'll be here to assist."

The nuns assumed all of the girls who came to see them were thinking the same thing; they were questioning whether or not they could tell their secrets to a nun. "It is weird to tell a nun you are having sex, are pregnant, or have been raped," Sister Gerard thought to herself as Ray settled down in the seat in front of them.

"Would it be cliché or weird to ask her about school?" Sister Gerard asked herself as she tried to think of the first thing to say. Nothing she thought of seemed appropriate so she decided to just get to the heart of her visit.

"So Ray, why are you hear?"

"Before you answer that, tell me how school was today," Sister Robert said quickly before Ray could speak.

"It was okay," Ray said, her voice shaking.

"And how was your talk with Sister Luke? Isn't she cool?"

"Yeah she is," Ray said.

"Did she start talking to you about her cat Ralph? She loves that cat."

"She spent like five minutes telling me what he did today. It was crazy," Ray said giggling.

"Did you see the picture?"

"Yes," Ray said smiling. "He is adorable."

"Don't jump right in. You need to put them at ease so begin talking about something else first so they feel comfortable," Sister Robert wrote on her notepad that she subsequently passed to Sister Gerard. "Makes sense," she thought to herself in response to the note. After a couple of more minutes talking about Ralph, Sister Robert paused to lean over, notepad in hand again. "Ask her why Sister Luke thought she should come here," it said. Sister Gerard looked up at Sister Robert who simply nodded her head.

"So Ray, why do you think Sister Luke wanted you to come see us?"

Ray shifted her gaze from the easy relaxed face of Sister Robert to Sister Gerard, whose face was uncomfortably serious.

"She said you all were the best to come talk to about what happened to me."

Sister Gerard wasn't sure what to say next, afraid the wrong statement would show her lack of experience and confidence.

"Do you want to talk to us?" Sister Gerard asked.

"Not really," Ray said looking down at the floor.

"Why not?" she continued.

"Well, I mean you are a nun. What do you know about my problems?"

"I am still human."

Sister Gerard waited for Ray to begin. She was surprised by her own instinct. Her confidence was growing every moment. She was not looking to Sister Robert for help; she was quietly waiting for Ray to unwind enough to begin talking.

"Don't worry Ray. You can tell me anything. You may be pleasantly surprised," Sister Gerard said after Ray's persistent silence.

"My boyfriend got rough with me," Ray finally said.

Sister Gerard simply said "mmmhmm," and waited for Ray to tell her more.

"Sister Luke said it was date rape."

Those words shook Sister Gerard, and she struggled to maintain her composure. She nervously adjusted in her chair and attempted to focus on Ray.

"What happened?" Sister Gerard asked.

Sister Gerard was methodical in her inquiry about the details of the incident. It would give her time to suppress the thoughts that immediately surfaced after Ray spoke those words. It wasn't easy, but after three minutes of pretending to listen, she was able to focus on Ray's situation again, disconnecting it from her own.

"I kept yelling no, but he didn't stop. After it was over, he said he thought I was playing."

"Playing?" Sister Gerard asked.

"He thought it was a game. He said he thought no meant yes."

"Is there a reason he would think that?"

"What she means," Sister Robert interrupted, "has he done anything in the past that would make you think he would be capable of doing that?"

"You mean has he been violent before?"

"Yes," Sister Robert said.

"Well he has shoved me a couple of times and he hit me once, but I didn't think he would go this far."

"Tell us more about what he has done in the past and what caused him to do those things," said Sister Robert as she began to write on her notepad again.

Sister Gerard knew she had said something wrong and was waiting for her written reprimand. "I thought I was doing so well," she said to herself as her attention drifted back to Ray's story.

"Don't worry Ally. Just the way you worded that question sounded accusatory. We have to make sure we don't give any notion to these women that we even have a small thought it may be their fault. That would be detrimental," Sister Gerard read.

After listening to Ray describe her boyfriend's abusive past, Sister Gerard asked her a question.

"Do you think it is date rape?"

"I'm not sure."

"Ray, sweetheart," Sister Gerard said reaching across the desk to grab's Ray's hand that was resting on top of it, "if you said no, it was rape. No matter what he thought you meant, he is supposed to interpret 'no' as 'no'. He did something wrong."

"He apologized afterward. Doesn't that mean something?"

"Honestly no it doesn't. It doesn't mean anything; an apology isn't enough for what he did."

Sister Gerard began to think about the many apologies she received from Brad, in person, over the phone, and in voicemails. She began to feel again how much they didn't help. And with that, her emotions began to stir, her face becoming red and her eyes watering.

"Ray, you don't have to put up with that. You are too good for that and nothing you could do would ever make his behavior acceptable. Don't let him get away with that."

"Sister, calm down," Sister Robert said, trying to soothe her.

"Ray, please, don't make my mistake. Don't go back to him and don't give him a second chance. Go tell the police."

Ray was beginning to cry, becoming upset witnessing Sister Gerard's passionate response.

"Sister, Ray is very confused right now. The best thing we can do is help her figure out for herself what to do."

"The best we can do is take her to the police right now so that bastard can't do it to someone else."

"Sister Gerard!" Sister Robert yelled.

"Ray, I'm sorry."

She looked at Sister Robert who had moved over to Ray's side and had placed her hand on her arm, trying to comfort her. Sister Gerard hadn't realized she had begun to cry.

"I'm sorry Ray," Sister Gerard said, "I was just trying to help."

Sister Gerard got up out of her chair and ran out of the room, holding back her tears until she could get to the bathroom.

"Could you excuse me for a moment Ray?"

Ray nodded her head, grabbing a tissue off of the desk. Sister Robert followed her to the bathroom.

"Allyson, are you okay?"

"If I said yes, would you believe me?"

"Take as much time as you need and come back in when you are ready."

Sister Gerard didn't respond. Sister Robert didn't know what else to say so she returned to Ray's side.

"I'm sorry about that," she said as she walked back into the cubicle. "Would you like to continue?"

"What did she mean by making the same mistake she did?"

"Oh that was nothing. She knew someone in your situation and didn't encourage them to tell the police. I think she feels guilt because the girl came back two months later because it had happened again."

Sister Robert was surprised how easy it was for her to lie.

"Are you sure you are okay to continue?" Sister Robert asked.

"Yeah...I think so."

"I will agree with Sister Gerard on one thing. You do need to stay away from him until you decide what you want to do. I know it will be difficult but you don't need his influence while you are making this decision."

Ray is quiet for a minute, her eyes' focus moving across the room until they meet those of Sister Robert.

"He isn't good for me if he would hurt me like that huh?"

"No he isn't, but I know it isn't easy to walk away. Especially because he's probably the only person in your life who makes you feel needed and wanted."

"He is the only person in my life who gives me any attention at all. In my household, it's as if I don't exist."

"Well Ray I want you think about this. Would you rather live without attention at least knowing you are safe or would you rather live with attention that may put you in the hospital one day? Or, I hate to say, kill you?"

Ray gasped at the thought that this boy who claimed to love her could ever hurt her to the point of serious injury.

"You don't have to answer me now," Sister Robert said. "Just think about it."

"I will Sister; thank you. And tell Sister Gerard I said thank you."

"You can tell her yourself," Sister Robert said as Sister Gerard appeared in the doorway.

"I'm sorry I acted like that Ray. I should have had better control of my emotions. I know that's not what you needed."

"It kinda helped. It's easier to talk to someone you can see as an actual person with real emotions and reactions. Sometimes it's difficult to get past the whole nun thing."

"Well I'm glad my breakdown had some positive outcome," Sister Gerard said with a smile. "Now, you come back and see me anytime. I'll always make time for you."

Ray stood up and hugged her. Sister Gerard smiled at Sister Robert as she embraced Ray.

Ray pulled back, picked up her backpack, and walked out of the office. When she looked back, Sister Gerard waved to her. Emotionally exhausted, she made her way back to her desk chair. Before she could rest in her chair, Sister Mary Theresa appeared at the door.

"Sister Gerard, I need to see you in my office in fifteen minutes."

"Yes ma'am."

"What do you think that's about Grace?" she said turning towards Sister Robert, her heart racing and stomach dropping.

"I guess you didn't notice."

"Notice what?"

"Sister Mary Theresa was standing in the lobby when you ran from your office to the bathroom."

"Oh crap."

"Don't worry. After one of my first sessions, she called me into her office. It was nothing."

"Did she ask you anything when you were walking back to my office?"

"No she didn't."

Sister Gerard could only enjoy her moment of redemption with Ray for a moment, and now she was going to be subjected to more criticism.

"Just go in there with a positive attitude and you will be fine. And make sure you mention Ray's reaction to what happened."

"Okay," she said continuing to worry. "She isn't going to kick me out is she?"

Sister Robert giggled.

"What? I'm serious," Sister Gerard continued.

"Sister Theresa doesn't expect perfection the first time dear. She will probably just want me to monitor you a little longer than she first decided. If she knows your situation like you say she does, she will understand."

"I hope so."

"I'm going to go back to my office. I have my own appointment in a few minutes. Just calm down and don't worry about your talk with Sister Theresa."

"Aren't you supposed to give me an evaluation or something?"

"I think you know what I'm going to say."

"That I need to say the right things?"

"Ally, it's not about what you said but how you said it. You weren't telling her to do the wrong thing but you said it with such passion, it made her uncomfortable. And the timing wasn't right."

Sister Gerard sat back in her chair with a heavy sigh.

"You didn't do a bad job. When they come here, we don't want to tell them what to do or force them to do anything. In case of rape or abuse, we do not call the police unless the girls ask us to. We respect that they know best what they can handle at the moment, but we always encourage them to do so when they feel they can handle the process. The first meeting wasn't the best time to bring up involving the police, especially considering she really cares about this boy. I suspect she thinks she loves him."

"So some of these guys go free?"

"Yes they do."

"That doesn't sound fair."

"Our job isn't to provide justice, but to provide support. Now, the police don't really like that we don't report these crimes, but we tell them that our first obligation is to the girls' needs. And to be honest, most of these women wouldn't report the crime anyway."

"Do you think having them arrested would help?"

"Well that's why you have to listen and learn about the girl's situation. In Ray's case, her boyfriend may be abusive but he is the only person that gives her attention. Having him arrested right now might be traumatizing. So bringing up police involvement may be more harmful than helpful. In her case, I would wait until she decides she doesn't need his type of attention before bringing up the police again."

"Okay."

Sister Robert could see Sister Gerard remained nervous.

"Overall, I think you did a good job. I think your personal experiences will be extremely beneficial in terms of the advice you can give. You just have to learn to manage your emotions and you will be perfect."

Sister Gerard forced a smile despite the fact she could feel her stomach in her throat.

"Now, I'm going to go. Take a few minutes to take some deep breaths. I promise you will be fine."

"I'm just not used to being criticized."

"I can tell," Sister Robert said as she walked to her office.

"First time for everything," Sister Gerard said to herself.

Sister Theresa motioned Sister Gerard to sit down as she finished her phone conversation. She sat down in front of the desk, observing the room, noticing any changes since the last time she was in there six months ago.

Not much had changed. The bookshelves behind her desk remained full of a mix of relaxed and religious reading. The carpet was beige without any accent rugs to liven up the space. The crucifix and picture of Pope John Paul II remained in the same place to the right of her desk. The furniture in her seating area also remained the same, small and somewhat uncomfortable, and still to the left of the door. Sister Gerard did notice a picture had been added to her desk; a picture of a baby girl sat next to the pictures of her family.

As Sister Gerard's thoughts began to drift to her past, she was shaken back into the present with the sound of the receiver hitting the phone.

"I'm sorry about that," Sister Theresa said closing a folder on her cluttered desk. "It's a lot of work trying to get more funding."

Sister Gerard was anxious to hear what she had to say; so much so, she didn't realize the ease at which Sister Theresa was beginning their discussion.

"Allyson, I wanted to talk to you about what happened today."

"You mean my complete break down."

"Well, I wouldn't call it a breakdown."

"I would."

"Just tell me what happened."

"I just got a little overwhelmed. Ray was talking about her date rape and I was just unable to handle it."

Sister Theresa began writing something down and Sister Gerard began to feel like she was in therapy.

"Would you like me to get you some help?"

"What do you mean?" she asked. She knew Sister Theresa was suggesting therapy, and she was whole-heartedly against the idea of talking about her life with a stranger; someone she couldn't trust.

"Would you like me to arrange therapy?"

"No I'll be fine," Sister Gerard said without hesitation.

"Are you sure? I know you care about Ray and I want you to be able to focus on her issues without being distracted by your own."

Sister Gerard was a little insulted. Her feeling of competency had been replaced by insecurity. She was wondering if Sister Theresa would even allow her to continue if she didn't agree to counseling.

"It was just my first time. Please give me another chance before we take that step. I believe I am capable of handling this, and very well."

"I know you believe you are, but like I said when you first asked me about becoming a part of our order, I cannot allow you to counsel if your personal experiences begin to interfere with your responsibilities."

"Would you kick me out?"

"No sweetheart, no. I would simply give you another job within our office or allow you to do something else. Some of our Sisters teach, and I would be happy to allow you to do that."

Sister Gerard was upset by the thought of not being able to do the thing that inspired her to become a part of the Sisters of St. Agnes. She even briefly considered seeking professional help, but decided she was not brave enough to invest her well-being in someone else.

"I want to stay here and do this. I just don't feel comfortable going to therapy. What if Sister Robert continued to help me?"

"Does she know?"

"Yes ma'am."

"I do not want what happened today to happen again. My duty is to the women who seek us for shelter. I cannot risk them to protect you. I have to do what's best for everyone."

"Well Sister, Ray said that my little breakdown helped her."

"Really?"

"Yes she said my outpouring of emotion helped her to see me as a regular person which increased her willingness to confide in me."

"Allyson, I'm glad it helped, but it's not going to help everyone. Some women may be alienated by it and I don't want that to happen. These women need to see that the person helping them is stablel"

"Yes ma'am."

"I hope you don't think I'm being harsh."

"No, you are simply telling me the truth."

"Is there anything else Sister?" she asked as she stood up to leave. She could fill herself about to cry, and she didn't want to in front of her superior.

"Yes there is one more thing. Allyson, I think you have the potential to be the best counselor we have. Once you are able to channel your experience to help the clients, you will be able to provide them exactly what they are seeking."

Sister burst into tears, not from the sadness she past sixty seconds prior, but from joy knowing the faith Sister Theresa had in her. Sister Theresa could see her, truly see her; see beyond her past and even the incident that happened previously that afternoon. She could see everything she could be; see her possible self.

"Allyson, everything will be fine," Sister Theresa said handing her a tissue.

"I know. Because of your kind words, I know they will."

"I never do this, but I will allow Sister Robert to sit with you during your sessions as long as you need her. Just let me know when you are ready to be on your own."

"Thank you," Sister Gerard said turning to walk back to her office.

"Allyson," Sister Theresa said before she was past the threshold. "You may want to consider telling the rest of your fellow Sisters about your situation. You can trust them."

Sister Gerard nodded her head and made her way back to her cubicle office. She wished she had an office like Sister Theresa where she could go in and close the door for some alone time. Instead, she decided to go to the chapel, hoping no one else needed a little afternoon inspiration. She slowly and quietly opened the door just in case someone was praying, and peeked in. After seeing no one was there, she walked in and locked the chapel door behind her. She wasn't supposed to lock the chapel door, but "I really need some alone time," she thought to herself. After deciding to keep it locked, she walked to the altar and kneeled down in front of it.

"So God, I'm here asking for your help. Seek and you shall find you said so I'm here, seeking answers. I know you aren't going to tell me exactly, but hopefully you'll allow me to see what I need to do. I don't think I need help, but for some reason, the people around me who I know have my best interest at heart, think I need professional help.

But I believe I can do this on my own. I know it's stupid not to accept help when you need it, but I don't believe I need it. And if I ever get to the point where I need it, I know I will ask for it...or maybe not. I don't know. That's the problem I'm having right now. I don't know.

Today was horrible. I was unable to keep my cool with Ray, and even though she said it was refreshing, I don't want that to continue to happen, especially with Sister Theresa saying that she will have to give me a different position within the community if it does.

I need your adviceI need you to help me get through this. I need you to help me move on and turn my lemons into lemonade. Ugh, that is such a cliché. I need you to lead me God. I need you to give me strength. I have never wanted to do something so badly in my life as much as I want to help the ladies who will come into this building. What's the point of going through something like I did without using it to help others?

I knew this was my destiny the second I started speaking to Sister Mary Joseph. I felt like this was home; I felt comfortable, cared for, and loved. I want to provide the same thing.

Maybe I just need what happened to me to have happened for a reason. Maybe I need it to serve some purpose just to live my daily life. I know I'm supposed to be here; I know these women are supposed to be my second family. This is where I belong and counseling is what I'm supposed to do, so I need you to help me fulfill my destiny.

I sound like I know Your will, but everything I have experienced, even my rape and pregnancy, has led me here.

I don't know what else to say. I'm hoping you will do exactly what you don't and speak, giving me the answer to all of my questions."

Sister Gerard waited silently for her answer. She clasped her hands tighter, and closed her eyes, hoping these would allow her to hear God's answer. She remained there for ten minutes.

"I guess you aren't going to make an exception for me. Thank you for listening. And my heart is open whenever you are ready to give me an answer. I love you."

And with that, Sister Gerard got off her knees and sat in the first pew, taking in the silence of the room. She hoped to find peace in the silence of the Chapel. She hoped for a miracle.

Each row of the chapel was full, the Sisters of St. Agnes filling the pews. Sister Theresa had called a meeting for all fifty-three Sisters to be present. Although there weren't enough seats, it was the only space big enough to hold everyone, and the only space where everyone wouldn't have to sit on the floor. At 7pm sharp, Sister Theresa got up in front of everyone.

"Ladies, thank you so much for coming this evening. I asked you all to come because Sister Gerard and I have something important to tell you."

Sister Gerard joined Sister Theresa in front, Sisters Robert and Patrick gazing at her, silently asking if she had decided to reveal her secret. Sister Gerard looked at them and shook her head.

"Unbeknownst to you," Sister Theresa continued, "Sister Gerard and I have been discussing the future of our order and our role in the community and have come to a vital decision."

Some of the Sisters appeared worried, some of them wondering if the Church had decided to eliminate their order. Sister Theresa had been discussing the financial hardships of the last few years.

"I'll let Sister Gerard tell you the details."

"Good evening ladies. We have come up with an idea on how to expand our reach in the community. We have composed a proposal to change the vacant building next door into a residence hall for women. How many times have we had to send women in abusive relationships or homes back to the place that causes them so much trouble? How many times have we had to send women dealing with addiction back to the street because the shelters are full? Now, we won't have to do that."

Sister Gerard could see a mix of excited and worried faces, most of the worried faces among the older Sisters. Change isn't easy, especially when with that change comes more responsibility.

"We have a meeting with the Bishop next week to discuss the proposal. We have also printed out a copy of the proposal for everyone to take home and read. And in a couple of days, we can have another discussion meeting. I think this residence would allow us to provide more for the community we love so much."

Sister Mary Phillip raised her hand.

"Yes Sister Phillip?" Sister Gerard said acknowledging her.

"I don't mean to be downer about this but how are we going to pay for this. I don't want our order to go bankrupt."

"The great thing about this is that we found out that we could actually apply to be a non-profit organization and receive more funding from the government. Being a non-profit will also allow us to do fundraising. Don't worry, we will have the funding to do this."

"And won't we need more help?" Sister Mary Ruth asked from the back.

"Yes we will and we will have it. If you read the proposal, we will have professional counselors helping us and doctors and nurses on staff. We will also hire people who will stay in the residency twenty four hours, including security guards."

"I meant more help within the order," Sister Ruth interrupted.

"Oh, well, thanks to Sister Luke's extraordinary recruiting skills, we will have eight new girls this fall."

Sister Gerard noticed some of the worried faces change to expressions of excitement the moment she mentions the eight new young women joining.

"Do you know how long it's going to take to complete the renovations of the building next door?" Sister Mary Patrick asked.

"We hope it won't take more than six months. Luckily, the owner of the building has agreed to donate it because it is has been vacant so long. We have found contractors willing to work for reasonably low prices to help our cause."

Sister Patrick could hear the joy in Sister Gerard's voice and wanted nothing more than to keep that joy present by supporting her friend's endeavors.

"I'm sold!" Sister Patrick said. Sister Gerard smiled and mouthed thank you.

"Sisters, trust me this is the perfect new direction for our order. We will be able to protect so many when they can't go home, or have no home to return to. What is the one thing most of our clients seek?"

"Security," Sister Robert said with a smile.

"Exactly! And what better way to give them that than to provide them a secure place to live until they can create that for themselves."

"So it won't be permanent residency?" Sister Mary Diana asked as she leaned against the wall.

"No. Their stay here will be temporary until we can help them find permanent homes. We won't push them out of the door, but we will help them get to a place where they can take care of themselves."

Sister Gerard waited for more hands to rise.

"If there aren't anymore questions, I'd like to invite all of you to read the proposal. We will meet again at the same time Thursday. The Bishop would like all of us to approve the proposal before agreeing to it, and I personally would like all of your support."

"Sisters," Sister Theresa began, "Sister Gerard will be running this operation. It was her idea and I believe she would be the perfect person to organize our efforts. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask us anytime. And I'm sure Sister Gerard would welcome any help or suggestions from any of you."

"Thank you ladies and I'll see you Thursday," Sister Gerard said and the ladies dispersed. The whispering could be heard from every corner of the room. She knew there were some not so receptive to the idea, but it was her job to convince them by or on Thursday that this would be in the best interest of the order. Sister Gerard stood in front of the altar until everyone had left the room; only Sister Robert remained. She stood up as Sister Gerard walked past her pew.

"So I have a question. Are you sure you can pull this off Allyson?"

"Don't you mean, are you sure WE can?"

# Chapter 13

Gabrielle descends the stairs as the doorbell rings. Susan gets up from the couch where she is watching What Not To Wear.

"I got it," Gabrielle says as she grabs her sweater off the coat rack.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

"Oh. Are you all going to hang out here?"

By this time, David has found his way to the door, curious about their unannounced visitor. Gabrielle opens the door to see Mark standing with a bouquet of pink tulips. Gabrielle smiles as she takes in his outfit, his dark denim jeans and his light blue polo. She suddenly felt overdressed in her black a-line skirt, pink shirt, black flats, and white cardigan.

"You look beautiful Gaby," Mark says, handing her the flowers.

"Thank you. It took a lot of work to find a skirt that fit."

Both of them smile as Gabrielle grabs his hand and begins to follow him out of the door.

"Excuse me young lady but you did not tell us you were going out tonight," David says, unhappy with Gabrielle's intentional display of disrespect and disregard.

"I didn't think it was a big deal. He is my boyfriend."

"You need to tell us when you are going out?"

"Well Mom and Dad, I'm telling you now. Let's go Mark."

"Sweetheart, do you really think it's a good idea to go out considering the late stage of your pregnancy?"

"I'll be fine. Besides, I haven't gone out with Mark in weeks and I want to go out on a real date with my boyfriend."

"I just don't think it is wise," Susan continues. "Why don't you all stay here and watch movies. I'll order pizza or Chinese."

"Mom," Gabrielle says with a raised voice. "I want to go out and I will be okay."

"Gaby, show your mom some respect," David says.

"Now you want something you can't seem to give."

Susan can see an argument about to erupt and intervenes before things escalate.

"Gaby, we need to talk to you. It will just be one moment Mark. Just have a seat."

Gabrielle hands Mark her purse and sweater and follows her parents to her father's study.

"Listen, we understand that you are upset with us," Susan begins.

"Really?"

"But that is no reason for the attitude or disobedience. You know you are supposed to tell us when you are going out. And when we ask you to stay in due to your delicate situation, you should not only respect that, but do exactly what we ask of you."

"I'm not a child. Oh wait, obviously I am, especially if you consider how much you have lied to me."

"I thought we were getting past this," Susan says, reaching to grab her daughter's hand.

"We were, until you decided to suddenly impose on me again when I have asked you for space."

"So you consider us exercising our parental rights and being concerned, an imposition?" David asks.

"At this point, yes dad. I have a few weeks of freedom left before I'll have to leave the life I love for a life I'm afraid to have. Can you please just give me space? You know I'm not going to do anything stupid. Just let me have these last few weeks as a teenager before I have to be a mom."

Susan and David look at each other, considering their daughter's simple request.

"Okay Gaby, you can go out tonight but in the future, just give us a heads up when you are going out. That is all we ask. And tomorrow, we are having a discussion."

"About what dad?"

"About our family's future and how we are going to handle situations like this in the future."

"I think how I am handling it is just fine."

"You sound just like your mother," Susan says under her breath.

Gabrielle turns towards her. "What do you mean I sound like my mother?"

"Nothing."

"No mom, tell me how that is like my mother."

"We can talk about this tomorrow. Mark is waiting for you."

"Mom, tell me what you meant; it's going to bother me all night."

"It's that same thought process that led to this situation. Your biological mother was so stubborn and so set on doing things her way, she wasn't open to any other suggestions. Now look what it has led to."

Gabrielle sits on the brown leather couch next to the door and stares at the wall in front of her. Her gaze shifts from her mother's eyes, to the tan rug on the floor, to the coffee table at her feet, to the open laptop on her dad's desk, to her own twiddling thumbs, and back to her mother's eyes.

"I didn't think the first comparison you would make between my biological mother and I would be negative."

Susan sits next to her, her arm around her back.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"Makes me feel stupid," Gabrielle remarks.

"Why?" Susan asks.

"Because I should have seen it. I don't look like you. I don't act like you. I don't have your quirks and habits. I don't have your logic and practicality dad. It should have been even more obvious considering my little brother looks like dad and has your personality mom. I guess I always knew I didn't fit in completely, but ignored it."

"When did you start feeling that way?"

"Probably a couple of years ago, but I chalked it up to typical teenage feelings. I didn't think it was anything particular to me."

"I wish you had said something."

"I guess I thought I could handle it on my own...I sound like Sister Gerard again."

"Gaby, it wasn't up to you to figure out you were adopted. It was up to us to tell you. And we will apologize for that as many times as it takes."

"That's not necessary."

"Yes it is," David finally says.

Gabrielle looks over at her father who was still leaning against his desk with arms folded.

"Could you at least tell me a positive way I am like my mother?"

"You are both very strong-willed. You both make the best of your situations."

"Ironically the same situation," David says.

"David!" Susan says.

"No it's okay mom. Can you tell me anything else?"

"I think you should ask her," Susan says. "I think you need to have more talks with your biological mother and get to know her. I know it would be nice to know where you get all of your beautiful attributes."

"I don't think I'm ready to talk to her again."

"Well, consider giving her a chance. No matter how angry or upset you may be, you will eventually want to know her. She is ready to talk when you are."

"Now, I think it's time for a distraction and have some fun," David says moving towards the door.

"Oh my gosh, I completely forgot Mark is here."

The family leaves the study and Gabrielle joins Mark in the living room, while her parents continue to the kitchen.

"Do you think she will be okay?" Susan asks David while pouring a glass of wine.\

"She will be more than okay."

"How can u be so sure?"

"She's just like Allyson."

***

"I've stepped into all kinds of crap," Sister Gerard says as she leans back and lies on the couch in front of Dr. Nelson. "I feel like I'm never going to be able to turn this around and actually make this situation work."

"Well if you put that energy out there, that's what's going to happen. She still hasn't spoken to you?"

The look on Sister Gerard's face answers the question.

"I'm telling you. The last thing Gabrielle wants is for you to try to force your way into her life. If you become aggressive and interfering, it will take her longer to come around."

"The waiting is killing me."

"I know it is and that's why I'm here to help. Just remember that she is in more pain and distress than you are, and needs time to grieve."

"Grieve what?"

"Grieve the loss of the life she had."

Sister Gerard contemplates the mourning aspect of what her daughter is going through. She has to ignore her urge to persist, and make her daughter the priority.

"So I'm going to ask you a question completely off subject, but what do your Sisters think of your situation? Are they able to help?"

"Actually, most of them don't know, but the ones that do have been extremely supportive."

"Why don't all of your Sisters know?"

"I didn't want to tell them."

"So even when you became a nun, you weren't able to release the fear of judgment or the shame?"

"No I wasn't."

"Don't you think they should know?"

"Yes because revealing the truth sixteen years later has worked out so well for me."

"Allyson you should have more faith in them. I'm sure you would trust them with your life. Why wouldn't you trust them with this?"

"Patsy, it has taken me sixteen years just to tell four people. And to tell those four took all of the courage I have."

"I'm sure you are capable of more bravery,"

Sister Gerard isn't so sure she has the will to tell her sisters her secret and admit she has been withholding pertinent information about her life from them. The look of betrayal on Gabrielle's face was enough to last a lifetime. She couldn't imagine walking through the office building and receiving that same look from the women she considers her family.

"I'm not sure they will understand why I hid it from them."

"Think about it this way. The majority of your friends encounter situations like yours everyday. I think that would show their capacity for compassion and understanding. If they show such generosity and support with strangers, think about what they will provide you."

"That's a good point."

"I think that's a great point," Dr. Nelson says smiling, trying to force one on Sister Gerard's face. "You need to let go of your fear. It's not what we are afraid of that keeps us from moving forward in our lives. It's the fear itself."

"I'll work on it."

"I want you to tell someone about your situation in the next two weeks."

Sister Gerard immediately sits up. "What?!"

"Yes. I want you to tell someone about what happened to you."

"But..."

"But what Allyson? You need to start believing what you tell your clients everyday. I'm sure you tell the women victims of rape or abuse that it's not their fault and they have nothing to be ashamed of. What makes you different than them?"

"That wasn't supposed to happen to me."

Dr. Nelson feels relief as she learns a buried reason for Sister Gerard's refusal to tell anyone about her past.

"Why wasn't that supposed to happen to you?"

"Because I was a nice girl from an upper class family who was smart and never did anything wrong. I didn't put myself in precarious situations. I wanted to be a nun for goodness sake. I was careful."

"Are you saying you didn't deserve it?"

"No because that would undermine me as a counselor to these women. No one deserves to be raped."

"Then what made you different than any victim of rape you've encountered?"

"I was just so careful."

"I'm sure you know the serenity prayer?"

"Of course."

"Then why are you trying to change something you cannot? Why did you work so hard in your life to try to avoid things you couldn't?"

"It was what I was taught. I was taught bad things happen to bad people."

"So you tried your entire life to be a good person so nothing bad would happen to you?"

"Pretty much."

"Is that why you became a nun?"

"No no no. You don't become a nun to show you are a good person. I was called to be a nun; I knew that was what I was supposed to do."

"So your rape affected you in such a self-destructive way because on some level, you thought that all of your work to be a good person had been wasted."

"Kind of."

"Kind of?"

"Well yes. I felt my good works had been unnoticed and I was being punished for something."

"So you decided to continue to punish yourself?"

"What do you mean?"

"You thought you had done something wrong so your rape was a punishment. Since you felt you were at fault for what happened, you continued punishing yourself by not only giving up your daughter but also giving up the opportunity to know her. You continued punishing yourself by not getting help until now and just living with the mental torment."

"I never thought of it that way?"

"I'm about to tell you an over-expressed cliché but it is appropriate. Have you ever thought that things happen for a reason? That your rape was essentially good?"

"How is rape good?"

"I didn't say the rape was good. I said it was essentially good, meaning the universe's or God's motives for allowing that to happen was to provide you some insight that would help you in the future."

"So it happened so I would be better at my job."

"Exactly! Don't you give those girls some insight, no matter how hidden the truth of your experience, that no one else can give?"

"Yes."

The room remains silent for a few minutes, Sister Gerard replaying Dr. Nelson's words and listening to them until she could feel them soak in. Dr. Nelson sat back in the chair feeling she had made a breakthrough. Sister Gerard knows now through her maturity and spiritual development that bad things happen to everyone Through her readings she discovered the importance of the balance of the universe and that no one's life is completely good or bad; life is a mix of experiences and it has to be that way.

"Allyson, I think you have been subconsciously holding to the idea that your experience was some religious punishment. I'm sure you know that it wasn't, but I believe making it a form of punishment was the only way you could make sense of what happened."

Sister Gerard immediately has that "aha" moment everyone talks about. The moment she realizes the core of her problems and the reasons for her behavior. "Making sense of what happened," Sister Gerard says to herself. "That makes a lot of sense," she says under her breath.

"What did you say honey?"

"That makes a lot of sense. You really are good."

"Why thank you."

"I had to give what happened a purpose."

"And how could anything like that have a good purpose right?"

"Right."

"I'm sure growing up you lived in a world where things were good or bad. They were wrong or right. They were a blessing or punishment. You weren't taught about the gray area. You lived in a world of black and white and subsequently tried to make everything in your life fit into one of those categories."

"I never thought of that,"

"Just because you never thought it doesn't make it less true."

"How do you know me so well?"

"It's my job. And besides that, I came into your life as a non-invested stranger. You don't care what I think so you open up to me."

Sister Gerard cannot fathom how anyone could possibly know her better than herself, especially considering she has been content to lead with a brick wall for most of her life. "If no one knows you, they can't judge you or hurt you," Sister Gerard thinks to herself as Dr. Nelson goes to pick up something from her desk.

"I got this for you," Dr. Nelson says as she hands Sister Gerard a book. "It's a journal. I suspect you've never kept one."

Sister Gerard takes the journal from her hand. She runs her hand over the purple cover with a small white orchid printed on the bottom. She flipped through the pages, looking at the border around each page that looked like a pattern you would see on china. And there were the multiple lines on the pages she now would be asked to filll with feelings and emotions she preferred to not even admit to herself.

"I want you to write in this everyday. There is no need to keep your feelings bottled up. If you don't want to tell someone, not even me, write them down."

Sister Gerard holds the journal in her hands, like it is something she has never seen.

"Do you think you can do that for me?"

Sister Gerard continues to examine her gift, pondering if enough happens in her life or if she feels enough to fill the pages. Dr. Nelson asks her one more time.

"I'll try," Sister Gerard responds.

"I think I can accept that. You don't have to write a lot; just write something. At the end of the day, it is important to release those things that burden us so we don't have to carry them the next day. All of that weight can seriously keep someone from moving forward."

"Are you going to read it?"

"No Allyson. That is for you. I just want to know you are writing in it. You write the things you aren't sure you can tell me."

Sister Gerard places the journal on the coffee table in front of her.

"We still have that other thing to take care of," Dr. Nelson says to Sister Gerard who is slowly lifting up her head. "You need to tell someone about your past."

Sister Gerard shakes her head nervously. "I'm not sure I can do that Patsy. That may be asking too much."

"Well the only way I can get you to make progress is to ask you to do more than you expect of yourself."

"And you think I can do this?"

"Yes I do. I believe you are stronger than you know. Not just that, but I believe telling someone will help you more than you think."

"I'm not sure."

"Well I am asking you to trust me. I know that isn't easy for you but I am asking you to put your faith in me."

Sister Gerard looks questioningly at Dr. Nelson. It's like deja vu; once again she is sitting across from someone who can see her strength and courage. Once again, she is using the encouraging words of someone else to create the confidence she cannot seem to find.

"Just think about it. Can you do that for me?"

"Yeah, I will at least think about it."

Sister Gerard stands up and grabs her journal. Dr. Nelson follows her lead.

"One more thing Sister. You have easy access to a great resource for letting go of those things that are going on in your life. And it is also something you are extremely comfortable with already; more than our sessions. And if I haven't convinced you yet, it is a non-judgmental environment."

"What is that Patsy?"

"Confession."

***

Sister Gerard sits in the St. Mary's Church waiting for four o'clock. She had decided to go to a different Church for this particular Sacrament. She looks around, taking in its simple beauty. There aren't any fifteen foot glass ceilings, a marble altar or a towering crucifix behind it, cherry wood pews, or rows of pillars, but it is as charming as any Cathedral she has seen. The almost bare walls, the simple pictures of the Pope and religious figures, the single stone statue of Christ, and the vaulted ceiling provide the quiet environment Sister Gerard needs.

She can barely hear the Church bells ring at four o'clock. After watching the Priest walk down the outside pews and take his place, she takes a deep breath and makes her way to the confessional. The Church is so quiet, she notices each squeak of the small wooden door as she opens and closes it. She feels herself sink into the hard wooden seat and waits for the window to open and Father to appear. While mentally preparing, the room begins to smother her and she contemplates making a quick retreat. But before she can surrender to her fear, she hears the wood slide and sees the shadow of the Priest.

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned," she begins with a soft shaky voice. "It has been two days since my last confession."

"What do you need to tell me today my child?"

"This guy is a little unconventional," Sister says to herself. "He sounds young," she continues, creating the right sentences in her head before speaking.

"Father, I'm not sure if this is a confession, but I need to talk to someone. And I need Grace to follow."

"You can tell me anything."

"Father, recently I have had to deal with my past, a past I have been attempting to avoid for sixteen years. And I just need an accepting ear to rest my troubles on."

Sister Gerard proceeds to tell the Priest the shortened version of her story. To her relief, she doesn't hear any shocking gasps. He is not condescending in his requests for her to go on. And even after learning she is a nun, is compassionate in his inquiries. He is not a man who could destroy her reputation by revealing her truth, but a friend with whom she can confide. He was a stranger when she walked in, but fifteen minutes into their conversation, he has become a confidant.

She is surprised at her own willingness to divulge those secrets that have always brought shame. She is more amazed by his curiosity. He doesn't want to know gory details, but is more interested in how she has been affected. "How can he care so much for a stranger," she thinks to herself. She could understand this reaction from her Parish Priest, but this man doesn't know her.

"Why do you think you need Grace," Father asks after she finishes.

"Because I have made so many mistakes Father. And I'm a nun. I don't know how I could have lived my life as a proper Sister knowing this was going on."

"But you aren't perfect. God knows that. And not only does he know that, he doesn't expect perfection. Whatever sins you have committed or believe you have committed, God has forgiven you."

"It doesn't feel like it. I have gone to confession everyday for the last sixteen years, and I have never bothered to tell this secret. Haven't I made a mockery of a sacrament I have sworn to honor and respect?"

"I have a feeling it has taken you this long to get the courage to tell me. Or your current situation has forced you to have to tell me."

"My therapist made me."

Father laughs and it is so infectious, Sister Gerard cannot help but giggle.

"I believe that is the most beautiful sound I have heard today," Father says as his laugh quiets and he can hear Sister Gerard. "A laugh in a moment of distress is glorious. It's a sign of progress."

Sister Gerard smiles. She can feel the weight lifting off of her heart. She can also hear Dr. Nelson in her head saying "I told you so."

"Do you think I made a lot of mistakes Father?"

"I'm not sure Sister, but I can tell you that I am impressed by your strength and the courage it took to make the decisions you had to make. I don't believe I could have."

For some reason, hearing that from a Priest makes more of an impact than from anyone else. He is one of the most courageous followers of Christ, and has told her, a simple nun, that she has done something he doesn't believe he would have been able to do. No words have ever brought her so much comfort or given her such a feeling of love than those uttered from his mouth.

"Father, I was really afraid you would judge me, especially since I have taken a vocation."

"I am only a vessel for God's word and love. Only he can judge you. And honestly, I don't think God judges us in the way most people think. I don't believe He's like myths of Santa where he has a list of everyone's name and makes note of everything you do. God knows who you are and only wants you to do the things that will improve your life and improve your relationship with Him. And that means being a good person."

"So you believe God just wants us to reach the potential He knows we have."

"Exactly. And I believe you are doing that. I've heard about the work of the Sisters of St. Agnes and feel you are vital to this community. I think you will be okay. You just need to believe you will be okay first. Say it as many times as you need to until you believe it."

"Thank you Father."

"You are very welcome. What has happened to you doesn't make you any less of the perfect Sister for our community."

"Thank you."

"Did you hear what I said Sister? Those things happened to you; you didn't make them happen."

"I know that now."

Sister looks down at her watch. "Wow Father, I have taken up most of your time for Confessions. I'm so sorry."

"Confession is worthless unless I can help. Sounds like I have."

"You certainly have. Do I need to say any Hail Mary's or Our Father's?"

"No. You have paid enough for your sins. I want you to pray for the strength to forgive yourself, the courage to inspire with your story, and continued dedication to your cause."

Sister Gerard makes the sign of the cross and opens the door.

"Sister, before you go, can I ask you one more question?"

"Sure."

"How did your faith not falter? I hear stories everyday of tragedy and people want to know why God allowed these things to happen to them. How did your faith remain so strong?"

"Well, I recently discovered that may have been due to the fact that I believed I brought those things on myself. I never blamed God for what happened to me. But it took me until now to stop blaming myself. Stuff happens Father and bad things will happen to good people."

"Hmmmm," Father says listening to her every word, hoping to find some words he can use to help the members of his parish.

"Just tell them they are learning opportunities. Tell them what we talked about. God wants them to reach their potential because He loves them. The things we see as tragedy or trauma, he sees as an opportunity for us to finally reach our potential."

"Do you think that will help Sister?"

"Eventually, when they are done being angry with God, they will understand. Just make sure you give them permission to be angry and remind them God will be there even when they are furious with Him."

"I think you would be better at my job than I am," Father says.

"Maybe you should tell that to the Pope," Sister says after laughing for a few seconds. "Bye Father and thank you again."

Sister Gerard closes the door behind her, taking a huge sigh of relief. She feels lighter than she has in sixteen years. She walks to the first pew where she kneels and begins her prayer. She prays for everything he advised her to, and asked God to allow her fellow Sisters not to feel a sense of betrayal when she tells them.

"I have to tell them," she tells God. "I have never felt this way before. I haven't felt a joyous heart in a long time. I haven't felt a being not burdened by secrets in years. This must be hope. I haven't felt it in so long I'm not sure I can recognize it. But I'm pretty sure this is it. Thank you for the learning opportunity. I love you."

And with that, Sister Gerard gets out of the pew and walks out of the Church. She can feel the skin on her face stretch as she smiles from ear to ear. A real smile. She knows this isn't the end, but she is excited by her new beginning. "You can start over even at thirty-six," she thinks to herself as the church doors close behind her.

***

"How was it?" Sister Robert asks at their apartment's kitchen table.

"It went pretty well actually."

"Was Shawna surprised?"

"Extremely. But she told me it put her at ease and gave her a little hope. If I could go through all of that and come out the other end a better, successful woman with a semblance of a normal existence, she could too."

"I told you," Sister Robert says picking up her plate and putting it in the kitchen.

"I know. I know. Everyone but me was right about this."

"Do you think you would have ever done it if it weren't for your therapist and the miracle working Priest?"

"I'm not sure. I do know I didn't want to go into my next session and have to tell Patsy I didn't do what she asked."

"Well if I couldn't get you to do it, I'm glad someone was able to."

Sister Gerard gets up from the table, puts the dishes in the dishwasher and both walk to the living room.

"So do you think you are ready to tell everyone?" Sister Robert asks as they sit on the couch and she grabs the remote control.

"I'm not ready now, but I will be soon. I think a couple of therapy sessions will prepare me for that."

"You seem to really like therapy."

"I do actually. Patsy is awesome. It also helps that she's seen priests and nuns before."

"Maybe we should invite her over for dinner. I'd like to meet the woman who helped my best friend in such a wonderful way."

"That sounds like a good idea," Sister Gerard says. "So, you ready for a new episode Grey's Anatomy?"

"Always."

Before they can settle into the episode, Sister Gerard's phone rings.

"I'm sorry," Sister Gerard says as Sister Robert gives her a semi-dirty look. "It's Susan. I have to get this."

Sister Gerard goes into her bedroom and closes the door.

"Hello."

"Sister, it's Susan."

"Hi. What's going on?"

"You need to get to the hospital."

"Did Gaby have her baby?"

"Yes." Susan begins to cry as she speaks to Sister Gerard.

"What's wrong Susan?"

"The baby was stillborn Allyson."

"What? Oh my gosh. I'll be right there."

Sister Gerard grabs her purse and keys and runs out of her room.

"Ally what's wrong."

"Gaby's baby was stillborn."

"Oh no. Do you want me to come with you?"

"No. Please just stay here and pray. Pray as hard and as much as you can."

Sister Robert stands up and hugs her friend.

"I'm here if you need me. I'll break every traffic law to get to that hospital. Just say the word."

"Thank you Grace."

Sister Gerard gets in her car, turns on her hazard lights, and races to the hospital. She cannot stop the streaming of thoughts. She can't see the road clearly because of the tears in her eyes. She is upset for her daughter that she got pregnant, got excited about raising her child, and then had to go through this. She feels regret because, perhaps, the stress of what has been going on played a part in the miscarriage. She feels guilt for feeling slightly relieved that her daughter won't have to raise a child at such a young age.

"I'm going to have to go back to confession for that one," Sister Gerard thinks to herself as she tries to forgive herself for even thinking that, and asking God's forgiveness at the same time. She thinks about what to say as she goes through yellow lights and swerves through traffic. She even yells "I'm a nun" as she sees people giving her the finger and honking at her. She prays for God to keep her safe as she tries to make it to her daughter as quickly as possible.

As soon as she parks her car, she runs to the hospital information desk. Before she can even ask for the maternity floor, Susan yells her name. Sister Gerard runs over to her as she gets out of a chair.

"Susan, I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"She was complaining of severe abdominal and back pain. We thought she was just having contractions so we brought her to the hospital. When we got here, we noticed she was bleeding heavily. When they hooked her up to the monitors, there wasn't a heartbeat."

Sister Gerard, without the proper words, puts her arms around Susan and holds her.

"Gaby and Mark were so upset. I never want to see that look on my daughter's face ever again. She could not stop crying. I just wish I could have done something."

"There's nothing you could have done. You did what any great mother would have done."

"I just didn't want to see my daughter that devastated."

"Can I see her?"

"Yes you can. She actually asked me to call you?"

"Really?"

"Yes she did."

"I never thought I would hear those words after what has happened."

"Well we've been encouraging her to talk to you and she's actually been asking questions about you and your personality. Progress has definitely been made."

With that Sister Gerard and Susan make their way up to the room. Sister Gerard walks in. David and Mark are sitting on the couch, staring into the floor while a doctor explains what will happen next. The doctor turns around when he hears the door close.

"Dr. Stewart, this is Sister Gerard, Gabrielle's biological mother."

"Hi Sister. I was just explaining that we gave Gabrielle a sedative. She was so upset and the most important thing she needs to do right now is rest."

"Do you know what caused this?"

"We aren't sure but we will certainly do an autopsy. Sometimes the reason for stillbirth are obvious, like if the umbilical cord gets entangled around the baby's neck or if the mother is smoking or drinking while pregnant, but since the first didn't happen and Gabrielle didn't indulge in any of those things, an autopsy might be able to tell us."

"Can we take this outside please?"

"Sure," the doctor says and everyone follows him.

"Doctor, how long will my girl have to stay here?"

"We want to keep her here for a few days, perhaps a week depending on how well she physically recovers from the C-section."

"Do you think she will be okay? Have you seen any permanent damage?"

"No there hasn't been any permanent damage and when she is ready, she should be able to conceive normally. I would suggest some sort of counseling. I can see she has a wonderfully supportive family but a therapist may be able to help or group counseling with other women who have experienced the same thing. I've found it's important that she not feel alone."

"Thank you doctor. We'll definitely consider that."

"Now I think the best thing you can do is go home and get some rest. We will call you when she is awake."

"Doctor, I'd really like to stay here with her," Susan says.

"That's fine but she is going to need you all well-rested to help her through this. So be sure to take care of yourselves."

"We will. Thank you," Susan says. "Mark, why don't you go home? David will take you. I've called your parents and told them you were here. They will be expecting you. David will you go home and get some of her things so she will be comfortable for a few days?"

David simply nods his head and disappears down the hospital corridor, Mark following him.

"He is the most upset. Gaby is his baby girl."

"Would it be okay if I spent some time alone with her?" Sister Gerard asks.

"Of course," Susan says, putting her arm around Sister Gerard and guiding her in the room. "I'll be out here if you need me."

Sister Gerard walks in, closing the door behind her. She doesn't notice anything else about the room except her daughter laying on the bed, pain on her face even in her sleep.

"I'm so sorry this happened to you Gabrielle," Sister Gerard says as she moves closer to her bed. "I'm sorry I didn't pray harder for the health of your baby." As soon as those words slip from her lips, the tears roll down her face. "I'm sorry for everything my daughter. I hope you can forgive me for not being there for you in my life. I'm sorry if the stress of what I'd done caused this. I'm sorry I couldn't stop it."

By this time, Sister Gerard is standing next to her, holding her hand and brushing her hand behind her ears.

"I promise I am going to be here for you Gabrielle. I am not going to disappear from your life again. Whatever you need from me, I will provide, even if that's more space. My relationship with you is my number one priority and I am going to show you that. I will never be your mother. And Susan has done such a wonderful job raising you. But I'll be happy to be your friend and a guiding figure in your life. I'm not going to leave you now, or ever."

Sister Gerard slips into bed with her, continuing to hold her hand. This is the moment she missed when Gabrielle, was little. The times she could have held her while she slept or comforted her when she had a bad dream. This is her opportunity to protect her daughter.

Sister Gerard lays her head on the pillow and thinks of all the things she is going to do differently. She thinks about and quickly forgets about the things she missed, and concentrates on the moments she can create. She replaces the fictional memories of the past with dreams of the future.

Just as she is about to get up from the bed, Gabrielle, still asleep, moves her head to Sister Gerard's shoulder.

"Oh my angel," Sister Gerard says kissing her on the top of her head. "I love you."

## About the Author

Adrienne Baldwin, 28, grew up in Birmingham, Alabama and has been writing since she was in the 5th grade. She graduated with her English degree from Birmingham Southern College and has recently received her Masters in Social Work from the University of Alabama. She plans to continue her pursuit of her education with a PhD. Her profession has allowed her to gain insight into the depths of humanity. She wants to celebrate those flaws and mistakes and connect with readers with relatable characters in life's most complex situations.

## Connect With Me Online

## My blog: http:// <http://adrienne-muffledvoice.blogspot.com/>

## Email: newnovelist2012@gmail.com

## Twitter: http:/twitter.com/abetterwriter
