-Get a Chrysler.
And get off my damn lawn!
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
Sometimes you gotta go back to
actually move forward.
And I don't mean go back an
reminisce or chase ghosts.
I mean, take a big step back.
Like, go from winning an Oscar
to doing a car commercial.
My agent was like, "I could
understand if you did this
right after
the 'Lincoln lawyer'
that would've made sense."
But you don't buy a Lincoln
because it makes sense.
You do it because you love it.
Or 'cause you're an Uber driver.
I feel safe in here
to drive around.
All night long.
Contemplating the important
questions of life.
Who am I?
Why am I here?
When I'm done
rolling up this booger,
should I eat it
or throw it out the window?
Feels good.
[ Laughter ]
Like a tiny little tennis ball.
Hi there, little fella.
Thank you vision.
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Why do I drive a Lincoln?
Why does anybody do anything?
We're just bugs
on a rock in a void.
See, I believe we were a
mistake.
Life, Earth.
And I believe it is each man's
duty to correct the mistake
that mature made.
Extinguish mankind like the
pathetic match that it is.
-Dad, are you okay?
-I'm super good, bud.
-You're going 5 miles an hour.
-Not bad for a Lincoln.
[ Voiceover ]
Who's kids are these?
And how did the get in my
Lincoln?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You probably have a deductible
of $500 on your car insurance.
Why shouldn't it shrink each
year you drive safely?
Allstate thinks it should.
Down to nothing.
Can you afford not to be in
good -- oh, my God!
-They say God made the moon.
But I don't know.
Maybe the moon made him.
Or her.
-[ Shouts ]
Stop the car.
-Whoa.
That's freaking cool.
Lincoln.
Li-i-i-i-i-ncoln.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Last week, Starbucks created
the "Race Together" campaign,
which encouraged baristas all
across the country to start
a dialogue with their customers
about race.
It was a way to open minds and
share thoughts all over coffee.
And we think Starbucks
is on the right track.
So we at Pep Boys are starting
a conversation, too.
This month, all Pep Boys
mechanics are encouraged to
start a dialogue with you,
the customer,
about gender and sexual identity
as part of Pep Boys'
new Genderflect campaign.
-Listen, I support whatever
people want to do.
Like, if you're a guy and you
want to be a girl, that's great.
But me personally, I could never
cut off my [Bleep]
-Because if we don't talk
about these issues, who will?
-I got a question for you.
You're gay, right?
-Yes, I am.
So, are you allowed to say,
like, "That's gay"?
-I guess I can.
-Oh, man, you are so lucky!
He gets to say "That's gay"!
-Oh, so lucky!
-Our mechanics are ready to
start a conversation with you
about complex intersex issues.
-If you got both parts down
there, then be proud.
If I had both, I'd be doing
myself all day long.
-Please go get my car.
-You know what my favorite
show is? "Ellen."
That's important because she
used to be a man.
-No, she didn't.
-Yes, she did.
-No, she didn't.
-Yeah, she was a man.
-Will you go get my car?
-Because Pep Boys knows that
the only thing more important
than your car is taking the time
to Genderflect.
-I think my cousin's kid
got born wrong.
-Uh-huh.
-Well, not wrong,
'cause that's the thing,
you know.
It's not wrong
if it's right to him.
-Okay.
-Anyway...your car's totaled.
-What?!
-Pep Boys.
-Or girls.
-Or the third kind
where you're both.
-So, do I need
new brake pads or...?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-During the Super Bowl I said it
was half time for America.
I said Motor City's getting back
on it's feet.
I tried to make an inspiring ad
that would rally our country.
But you dummies in the media
thought it was about politics.
Well, guess what?
Half time's over.
We're in the third quarter now,
America and we're way behind.
So I don't care
if Obama runs the ball
or Romney throws a touchdown,
or Ron Paul kicks a field goal
with his tiny little
chicken legs.
I'll tell you right now though,
I ain't putting Santorum
in the game.
He can stand to the sideline,
doing cheers
in his little sweater vests.
Pussy.
What's this commercial for
again?
Oh, right, Chrysler.
Get a Chrysler and get off my
damn lawn.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Clock's winding down, America.
It's the fourth quarter
and there's no time outs left.
How do I know?
My pants get higher
every quarter.
If it's the fourth quarter in
America,
that means it's overtime
in China.
And they got a billion people on
their team.
Plus, they own half our stadium.
How'd they get so far ahead?
'Cause they work hard.
They're not all sittin' at home
stroking it
to some godaddy.com commercial.
They're busy making the jazzies
that you ride
around Disney World.
'Cause you're too fat to walk.
But good news, America,
we got somethin' they don't.
Chryslers.
And we're gonna drive them all
over their damn field.
Hey, Weng Chun,
I hope you like eatin' tire.
'Cause if a Chrysler hits ya,
it'll kill ya.
And it can.
I don't care who's drivin'.
Though I know it won't be
Gingrich,
'cause his fat head won't even
fit in the [Bleep] car.
This is an ad for Chrysler,
right?
Think again.
It's for Little Ceasars.
Pizza, pizza!
[ Cheers and applause ]
The game is over, America.
It ended two hours ago.
While you were bitching
about my commercial,
we lost to Mexico by 30 points.
Ya like that?
Te gusta losing, numb nuts?
Remember how the Patriots let
the Giants score
the winning touchdown?
We're doin' that with Mexico
on every single drive.
Just lettin' them
into our end zone.
Take our jobs,
and drive our Chryslers.
These Mexicans are like my
pants.
I've had 'em up to here.
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, check out the new Trojan
vibrating massager.
It'll blow your hair back.
I should know.
I'm Batman.
[ Cheers and applause ]
