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# Bathrooms & Psychiatric Offices

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### By Sasha McCallum

### Copyright © 2017 Sasha McCallum

### Smashwords Edition

Smashwords License Notes

Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailer. Thank you for your support.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

About the Author

Other titles by Sasha McCallum

Connect with Sasha McCallum

Sample of The Reader & The Writer

### BATHROOMS & PSYCHIATRIC OFFICES

Chapter 1

"Dr. Straub? Dr. Straub?"

Carly was all but shaking Alex by the shoulder.

"Please, don't call me that. It's Alex. I've told you before."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. Of course."

"It's just that you've been standing there staring at the wall for like three full minutes, maybe more. You're totally spacing."

"I'm just waiting for a file to print off."

"Well ...okay, but nothing's happening. The printer's out of paper again. I can refill it now, but I'm going to need you to..." Carly gestured with her hands, "you know, back away from the copier. Also, there is a two o'clock waiting in your room."

"Oh, sorry. Have they been waiting long?"

"No, you're all good." Carly checked her tablet screen. "A Mrs. Forsyth. She's only just arrived. Her cat's stopped eating."

"Good, good. I'll be just a minute," and she hurried towards the restroom door.

She dreaded having to face another old cat woman. It was difficult for her even on her good days. Surely, she thought, it would be another one on its way out and she would be forced to try to comfort the poor, old lady with words of science which meant nothing. She was certain that some of these old people saw their ancient cats who had been their companions for so long dying as a prelude to their own demise. She sympathized, she understood, and hated it. There were too many thoughts in her head at once as she studied her reflection. I want to go home, she thought for the umpteenth time that day.

"No!" she said to her dark eyes in the mirror, not really meaning it to be out loud but liking how reassuringly determined she sounded. "There is a point to me being here ...even if I don't know what it is. I absolutely cannot just cop out and play hooky for the afternoon." Yes, that's more like it.

"I know how you feel."

What the hell? Mortified, Alex froze and stared into the mirror, as behind her an immaculately dressed woman emerged from one of the stalls and moved towards the sink beside her.

"Um ...this is embarrassing, I didn't realize there was someone else in here," she mumbled.

"You're having an existential crisis." It was a statement, not a question and Alex fumbled with the paper towels trying to avoid contact with the large, blue eyes peering at her in the mirror. "I've had a few of them myself. I understand it's pretty normal for someone with a decent brain. The way life goes for most of us is highly questionable."

"Yes, uh ...no doubt." This strange woman was being awfully familiar with her. Maybe she felt sorry for her. Perhaps she saw danger in Alex's desperation. Alex looked at her sideways. "It's all a game where we go insane," she said lamely, then felt stupid and hurried out of the ladies room with an apologetic glance over her shoulder.

She bustled into her clinic, putting a show of hurried professionalism on for old Mrs. Forsyth.

"Right, sorry to..." The room was empty save a small carrier cage, where two pale eyes peeped from the front bars. Alex scanned the room again; no, she was alone. She looked at the tiny, crouched figure in the cage and did an immediate assessment -half-closed, weepy eyes, fur bristled, slight tremor. Might be pneumonia, might not.

"Where's your old Mom gone then, hey puss?" She fingered his fur between the bars.

"You've met Stone-age," a familiar voice said from the door and Alex whirled around to find herself face to face again with the woman from the restroom. "I'm his 'old Mom'." She smiled at Alex.

"Wow, we are getting off to the worst start." Alex was blushing now. This is terrible, she thought wretchedly, while at the same time was relieved her client wasn't a fragile geriatric who might be devastated by bad news.

"Just one of those days, huh? So you are the vet? You're a doctor? I thought you people wore lab coats..." She was looking Alex up and down in a way that made her feel only slightly uncomfortable. She crossed the room, pulled her coat off a hook and slipped it over her shoulders.

"Better?" She reached over and put her hand out to the woman. "I'm Alex Straub. Yes, I'm one of the vets here."

"Alex, hello. Lily Forsyth." She took Alex's hand and shook it slowly then quickly withdrew looking embarrassed. Alex wondered fleetingly if her hands were clammy but they felt fine to her. "This is Stone-age," Lily continued, "my stepson's cat. He hasn't eaten anything for three days. Just a bit of water now and then. He's not moving much either. Jacob loves him, so do I truth be told, though I rarely admit it." She smiled sheepishly and Alex noticed the dimples that formed to the sides of her mouth.

Oh Christ, she's beautiful, she thought, and felt her heart skip a beat. They stood staring at each other for several seconds before Alex remembered to breath and shifted her gaze toward the cage.

When she lifted Stone-age gently out of his cage and began to examine him on the table his owner approached too and watched what she was doing closely. It was very distracting for Alex to have this woman ...Lily, so close. How odd, she thought. It had been such a long time since she had felt even a twinge for anyone. Why today? Why this woman? She could smell her perfume with her so close and it was quite intoxicating. Lily's face flashed through her mind, her dimples etched into her smooth, creamy skin as she had smiled. She had light brown hair pulled into a French twist and big, clear, blue eyes which radiated sincerity.

"How old are you, Mrs. Forsyth?"

"How old am I?" The other woman looked startled.

Alex winced and quickly corrected herself. "Excuse me, how old is Stone-age?"

After some questions and completing the examination Alex knew her initial diagnosis had been correct. She explained the situation to Lily Forsyth, and tried to reassure her.

"For a cat of this age it's not a death sentence. Keep him inside, warm, and well watered. I can prescribe him a broad spectrum antibiotic to treat the infection which he'll need to take twice a day."

"Are they tablets?"

"Yes. I can dispense them directly from the clinic and add it to your invoice, if that's okay with you?"

"Of course. But he's not eating. How do I get him to take them if I can't put them in his food?"

"Oh, ya veo. Come, I'll show you with his first pill. Could you hold on to him?" Lily grasped him gently and Alex demonstrated how to get him to swallow the pill. "You have to get your finger between his back teeth and put the pill as far back on his tongue as you can then push his mouth closed. As a reflex he'll be forced to swallow it. It's a normal practice and it doesn't bother them. I know it seems cruel to someone who hasn't done it before..."

"No. You did that really well. He's not fussed at all." Lily seemed surprised.

"I think somehow they understand that you're trying to help them. You'll be able to do it with his next pill?"

"I think so. Thank you."

"You are very welcome."

"How are you feeling?"

"What? Oh ...you mean the thing in the ladies. I'm fine really, it's an integral part of my daily routine, nothing to worry about," Alex chuckled.

"Well, I'm glad you didn't run off for the day."

They walked out to the reception area together and Alex tried to scorch the woman's gorgeous figure into her brain. "He should start eating again within a couple of days, but if not, bring him back in, okay?"

"Sure, thank you so much."

Alex nodded and turned to walk back to her clinic but Lily put a hand on her arm and stopped her.

"Would you like to have coffee sometime?"

Alex raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Um ...aren't you married?"

"Oh God, I'm not coming on to you or anything, I just think you seem like an interesting person. I especially liked that little speech you gave yourself in the mirror. I'd like to talk to you more, but if I'm out of line, I apologize."

Her eyes were so beautiful, so penetrating, Alex couldn't really help herself.

"Yeah ...sure, I mean I guess it couldn't hurt. You have your cell?" Lily reached into her bag and handed Alex her phone.

"Okay. That's my number. I'm here every day except Sunday and I usually break for lunch around 1pm. We could meet then, if it suits you."

Lily took her phone back and gave Alex the most dazzling smile.

"You'll be hearing from me. Count on it," she said and whisked past Alex, disappearing through the front doors. Alex stared after her, a bit dazed and still surrounded by a cloud of her delicious scent. That was very weird, she thought, and trudged back towards the depths of the building, shrugging at Carly's questioning look from the reception area.

*

Alex felt a distinct unease at having given her number away so easily for a while after first meeting Lily Forsyth but by the following Thursday she had removed the encounter from her forethoughts, ideas of seeing the other woman again replaced by the monotony of her work days and the blandness of her personal life. Which was, of course, just when she received a text message from an unknown number.

Alex, hi. This is Lily from the clinic last week. Can I pick you up for lunch today?

A wave of anxiety and shock made Alex's knees momentarily weak. She sagged back against her table and allowed herself a few moments to think about how boring her personal life really was. A simple lunch with a married woman was not a big deal for most people, and even Alex needed friends. She knew it would be good for her to agree to it, despite the warning bells going off in her head. She added Lily's number to her contact list and replied quickly and sparingly before she had time to reconsider.

Hello Lily. Sure. Meet me here at the clinic at 1pm?

The reply was almost instantaneous.

CU then :-)

Alex checked her watch. Now to get through the next three hours without having a nervous breakdown. She marched out to reception and approached Carly.

"Finished your break already?" Carly smiled up at her.

"Yes. How's the day looking? I need to keep really busy until one."

"Yeah? Well..." Carly scanned the screen in front of her. "You've got four dogs, and uh ...three cats booked in from 10.30am. But actually, Petersons got overflow as usual. I'm sure he'd appreciate it if you took some of his backlog."

"Happy to." The morning went quickly as Alex immersed herself mainly in vaccinations and electronic tagging. She was completing some paperwork at her desk when she heard a light knock on her door. She glanced up expecting to see Carly with another file to handle, but it was Lily standing in the doorway looking tentative. Alex inhaled sharply as she took in the other woman's beauty. She thought she had remembered it well. She hadn't.

She stood up quickly and stammered, "Is it one already?"

"It is ...but you are busy." Lily's voice was silky smooth though she seemed cautious, even slightly disappointed.

"No, todo bien. I've been trying to keep busy since you texted. I guess it worked a bit too well." She pulled on her heavy, winter coat, grabbed her phone and bag and confronted Lily head on in the door frame.

"Hi."

"Hi." The famous dimples appeared then, transforming Lily's face.

"Lunch, yes?" Alex returned her smile.

"Right." Lily turned and they made their way out to the car park at the front of the building.

"Wow, nice car!" Alex said as Lily led her to a white Mercedes.

"Yes, one of the perks of marrying into money," Lily said grimly.

"One of many, I should think." Alex climbed into the passenger side and inhaled the immaculate interior.

"So I was thinking of this Italian place a couple of blocks down. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, where ever. I normally don't eat much lunch. I'm not a big eater period."

"I can tell. There's nothing to you."

Alex grimaced and felt Lily glance her way as she pulled expertly out of the car park. "That came out wrong. You're gorgeous looking ...but you make me feel like feeding you."

They spent the next few minutes in silence as Alex contemplated this strange mixture of compliment and insult. I think too much, she chided herself, and decided their silence was more genial than uncomfortable. Lily parked the car and they headed toward a small Italian bistro.

"I've passed this place a million times and have never been in," Alex scanned the warm interior. "It's nice."

A young waiter led them to a table, handed them menus and then disappeared into the back. Normally this would be the part where Alex's nerves would be getting the better of her but all she could do at that point was notice again how lovely the face opposite her was. There was a tiny candle flickering in a glass at the center of the table. Fleetingly Alex wondered if she was dreaming.

"Does anything in particular appeal to you?" Lily asked meeting her eyes.

"Oh ...uh, you mean food-wise..." Alex looked down at her menu unseeing, thinking only that Lily had caught her staring. "I'll just have the Mediterranean salad," she mumbled. Lily's order was somewhat more substantial and Alex couldn't help but be impressed, wondering how she managed to keep her figure. The waiter disappeared, leaving them to stare at each other in silence again.

"How is Stone-age?" Alex enquired, desperate for something to ease the quiet.

"Doing well. He still isn't eating as much as usual but you did say recovery would be slow. Jacob is thrilled. Thank you for asking." Alex nodded and took a sip of water. "Can be honest with you?" Lily continued.

Alex raised her eyebrows. "Of course," she said warily but nonetheless curious.

Lily stared at the jug of water in front of them and fiddled with the silver chain around her neck. She suddenly seemed quite vulnerable.

"The truth is I felt very silly about it the night after I asked you for coffee. I looked at your number over and over again thinking you hadn't really wanted to give it to me, that you'd done it not to hurt my feelings. You seem like that kind of person. I don't mean a push-over, just like someone who wants to avoid pain where ever possible. I guessed I'd read too much into you and now I was second-guessing myself for doing it. I have too much time on my hands, I suppose." She paused and Alex absorbed this new information, surprised at Lily's openness. "My point is, I'm sorry for putting you on the spot like that. I think my social etiquette might be somewhat out of the range of ...normal."

Alex chuckled slightly to herself but then saw the nervous sincerity in Lily's expression.

"Sorry but, and this might make you feel better, I'm not really within the 'normal' range myself when it comes to dealing with people."

"You? But you deal with people all day."

"That's different. It's work. And even then my bedside manner is kind of terrible. I'm trying to get better but very few of the clinics clients want to interact with me on a personal level. I can't have made a very good first impression on you either. I was so nervous about this lunch I took on extra work this morning to distract myself from having a heart attack."

Lily leaned back in her chair and stared openly at Alex.

"May I ask why you said yes? I mean if some stranger asked me for coffee I would have made up one excuse or another for sure. Did you feel sorry for me?"

"God, no. You don't seem the type anyone would feel sorry for. In fact I was thinking the same thing about you. That you were some random do-gooder who was worried about that pathetic scene you witnessed in the clinics bathroom."

Lily laughed lightly. "That particular scene did grab my interest. But not because I thought it was pathetic. It was just ...real. But you still haven't answered my question."

"You're very direct, you know. Um ...I guess there were a couple of reasons." Alex chose her words carefully. "The first and foremost is that my therapist thinks I need to interact with people more on a personal level. She thinks I isolate myself too much and it's having a detrimental effect on my health and well-being."

"Sounds like we have the same therapist. Mine says things like that to me all the time. He's a man though." Alex breathed a sigh of relief, this was turning out easier than she had expected. "So what's the detrimental effect on your health supposed to be?"

"I'm depressed. I'm depressed because I never do anything and I never do anything because I'm depressed."

"Ah yes, the vicious cycle. I know it well."

"You do?" Alex couldn't hide her surprise.

"Of course ...but you have a job. You do plenty."

"It's not enough. I'm supposed to be making an effort with people socially. I was thinking of getting a new therapist. On the other hand, she got me here, talking to you. That's something, isn't it?"

"Yes, it certainly is."

"Don't you work too?" Alex asked, wanting to keep the conversation flowing as long as possible.

"No. I never have. I got married when I was nineteen. Frank was very, very wealthy and I knew then that I would never have to work. But I feel quite useless sometimes. And genuinely lonely."

"Why? Nineteen is young to marry but it seems like you've got it good. A wealthy husband, a stepson you seem fond of." A shadow crossed over Lily's features and she suddenly looked quite deflated. "What's wrong?"

"I'm like you I suppose. I never talk to anyone. But I'm sure you have at least some friends."

"Not really. A few from my past but I generally avoid people. It's a weakness. Are you a nihilist as well?"

"A common 21st century problem. If you study life without meaning you start to need medical help. I take it you haven't accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and personal savior?"

"I ...No... I was raised in the church but no ...I'm not..." Alex looked at Lily wondering how to put it delicately but the other woman was smirking at her. "You're joking." Alex felt the tension drop as Lily laughed at her.

"You should have seen your face. You looked like you'd just been given two months to live."

"You idiot. That could have been super awkward."

"Sorry, I couldn't resist." Alex shook her head at Lily in feigned disapproval and she continued more seriously. "So people... I think marrying someone like Frank left me quite alienated from my peers, even my family. This could be the first real conversation I've had with someone my own age in ...possibly years. Damn, that's hard to believe, even for me."

"I don't understand. What about your husband?"

"Big age difference there." Lily waved a dismissive hand as the waiter arrived carrying platters.

"Are you sure that's enough?" Alex was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of food.

"I know you said just a salad but you should try some of this." Lily scooped steaming spaghetti onto Alex's plate and waited looking expectant. Alex tried a mouthful.

"Mm. Nice." Lily was pleased, her dimples appeared.

"What about you, Alex? I see you are not wearing a ring. Are you completely unattached?"

"Uh ..." Alex swallowed and dabbed at her mouth. "Yes, I have no interest in getting married or having children. I've lost interest in relationships. I think it has something to do with the medications I take, but even before that I had given up."

"Hmm, you're too young to have given up on relationships."

"Why? People suck."

"I would have to agree with you there," Lily laughed. "You've got the right idea concentrating on animals. Much more loyal, far less of a threat."

"Indeed."

"So... You like women?" Alex almost choked and struggled to regain her composure, wiping sauce from her mouth and hand. Lily was highly amused. "Sorry, I just thought you might. Judging by how you reacted when I asked you for coffee. You thought I was hitting on you."

"You are refreshingly straight-forward. Yes, I like women. But don't worry, I'm not going to jump you."

"Ha-ha... It's nice you can be so open about it."

"I'm not really, I just don't lie. You asked me, remember."

"I did, yes." She studied Alex curiously. "It seems like I was right about you."

"What do you mean?"

"You aren't a game-player or a liar."

"And you are very strange."

"Should I take that as a compliment?"

"Strange is good," Alex nodded, trying to concentrate on her plate.

They chewed in pleasant silence for a while, the lull in conversation giving Alex a chance to observe her surroundings properly. The atmosphere had a tranquility to it; there were only a few other patrons, all keeping to themselves, chatting quietly. Most of the light was coming from the stark snow-spattered pavement outside the front window panes, but inside it was warm, with an actual open fire burning in the back wall. Alex thought she should come in here more often, she loved fire.

"May I ask you a personal question?" Lily said.

"Like you haven't already," Alex chuckled. "Sure, go ahead."

"What medications are you taking?"

"Ah ...antidepressants, anxiolytics ...nothing too serious. I've had trouble functioning in the past because of depression and insomnia." She paused, trying to gauge Lily's reaction, but couldn't see any judgment in her watchful gaze. "I suffered a kind of emotional breakdown a couple of years ago, followed by a suicide attempt. Ever since then I've not questioned whether I should be on the meds or not. I take them. They keep me stable."

"Shit," Lily put her fork down and wiped her hands. "I would never have imagined that about you. I'm sorry I asked you something so private ...but I am happy you trusted me enough to tell me about it."

"It's in the past and you didn't seem like you would judge me." Alex forked a cherry tomato into her mouth.

"No, I wouldn't ...not for that."

"You're looking at me funny."

"Sorry." Lily returned her attention to her food.

"How old is your stepson?"

"Smooth change of subject. He's 11. You like kids?"

"I love kids."

"Really? Why haven't you ever wanted any of your own?"

"Labor scares the hell out of me ...I remember those videos they used to show us at school, I've been freaked out by it ever since. Plus, I don't like my genetic propensities."

"What propensities would those be?"

"Just what I said before. I wouldn't want to put another child through the same thing I dealt with growing up. As soon as I hit puberty depression kicked in. I think it's from my maternal grandmother. I never met her but my Mom told me she was schizophrenic."

"Schizophrenia and depression are hardly the same thing."

"Major depression can easily spiral into psychosis, especially for someone with a genetic predisposition. My point is, no, I've never wanted a child of my own." Alex felt a strong need to change the topic of conversation. "What kind of ancestry are you from, Lily?"

"I'm not entirely sure. I think I remember something about my great grandparents being from Sweden originally. But I was born and raised here, as were my parents. You're Spanish, right?"

"My mother was. How did you know that?"

"You have an interesting habit of dropping Spanish words into your sentences. And you look a bit Spanish. I mean, your skins so pale, but only because it never sees the sun, I think."

"You are pale too. I guess we're both vampires."

Lily laughed. "True. I prefer night time." She glanced out the window at the snow. "And winter."

"So few of us prefer the cold." Alex nodded her approval. "So, you don't have any biological children?"

"No. I'm not big on kids, noisy and messy. Jacob is different, we were thrown together and I've grown to love him. He's shy, quiet, and very smart. He doesn't like people much either. I've never seen him so attached to something as he is to that cat. And his computer."

"What do you do for entertainment?"

"Ugh, nothing noteworthy. I read a lot, watch movies. And I binge watch TV shows. I have to watch them all at once or I get impatient and frustrated."

"Me too. What have you been watching lately?"

"Let's see. There was Orphan Black, Sense8 and ...one called Fortitude."

"Fortitude, that's the one set in Norway or something, right?"

"You've seen it? Wow, I threw that one in as a wild card, you must watch a lot too. And you work six days a week. I wouldn't have thought you'd have the time."

"If I have trouble sleeping at night I put something on. It helps me relax and chases the bad dreams away."

"So true. What was the other reason you decided to come?"

"Huh?"

"You said there were two reasons you decided to come today. What was the other?"

"You ask a lot of questions."

"A side-effect of not talking much, maybe. Is it annoying?"

"Not really. Not today, with you." Alex marveled at how little Lily's inquisitiveness did actually bother her. "I wasn't just blindly following doctor's orders. I do struggle with people, nihilism, and disappointment. You asked and you seemed sincere ...on some level I thought I'd be safer saying yes than saying no. It might have been your dimples. You're so beautiful."

"You think I'm beautiful?"

"You are, you must know that." Alex realized Lily's expression had blanked over for the first time all afternoon and she thought she must have gone too far, said too much. "I didn't mean anything by it," Alex tried to reassure her and looked at her watch. "Oh Christ, it's past two. I really need to make a phone call and wash up. Sorry, I'll just be a minute." She rose from the table and headed to the foyer, dialing the clinic on her way. She got Carly on the phone and apologized to her explaining she'd be back shortly then pushed her way into the ladies room and scrubbed at her hands. Her reflection didn't appear nearly as frazzled as she felt as she half-heartedly applied some lip gloss. She shouldn't have said those things to Lily, she knew. The lunch had gone fairly well up until that point. What's done is done, she sighed to herself.

She was just going to leave the bathroom when the door pushed inwards and Lily appeared in front of her.

"We've got to stop meeting like this. No speeches in the mirror this time, I swear," Alex tried to make light of the situation. "Are you good to give me a lift back to the clinic?"

Lily, still expressionless stepped slowly towards Alex until she found herself backed against the wall.

"Um ...we should go, shouldn't we?" she ventured, unsure what was happening. "Lily?"

"Please, can I just be close to you ...just for a moment." And Alex felt Lily's body, breasts pressing lightly against hers. She could feel her breath against her neck and how close her lips were to touching her skin. She shivered involuntarily as Lily whispered "God, you smell so good," into her ear. When she brought her head back to look into Alex's eyes, her own were filled with open longing. Her lips found Alex's and she whimpered audibly as Alex returned her kiss. It was so soft, so gentle, exploratory, and her hands went to the soft, creamy skin of Lily's neck.

The kiss couldn't have lasted more than a few seconds before she felt Lily pull away. Alex, back still pressed against the wall, stood looking at Lily, both of them breathing unsteadily.

"I'm so sorry," Lily said, unable to account for her actions. "So, so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I don't know what came over me."

Alex threw her hands up, part in surrender, part in exasperation. "It's okay. It's nothing, really. Let's forget it. We should just go." Lily looked defeated and miserable and nodded.

"Of course. I'll take you back." Alex led the way to the counter but Lily took her arm and guided her past it and out of the doors. "It's okay. I've settled the bill."

The five minute car ride back to Alex's mundane work day was quiet as she struggled to come up with something to ease the tension. When Lily dropped her off, she killed the engine and Alex knew she had to say something to make this right. She looked over at Lily.

"I ruined it, didn't I? You must have just got confused because of what I said to you at the table. So, I'm sorry. The last thing I wanted was for us to feel uncomfortable around each other."

"You didn't do anything wrong. I did."

"It doesn't matter." Alex thought that for a moment there it hadn't felt wrong at all.

"Yes. It does."

"But I enjoyed talking to you today." Lily finally looked over at Alex and she was astonished to see tears welling up in her big, blue eyes. "What's wrong? Please, don't feel bad." Lily leaned over and gave Alex a half hug.

"I liked talking to you too. Maybe I could call you ...?"

"Anytime," Alex smiled reassuringly at her. "Thank you for lunch." She got out of the car and watched Lily speed away, leaving her to her confusion and a vague sense of yearning and loss.

*

The following Monday as Alex was about to leave work for the evening she caught Carly looking at her strangely as she approached reception with the last of the daily files. She returned the look enquiringly.

"What?"

"Nothing, it's just... What happened to you last week? You had that late lunch on Thursday and you've been acting different since. Other people are starting to notice." Carly paused and Alex frowned at her and shook her head.

"I never know what you're talking about, Carly."

"It was that woman, wasn't it?"

"Excuse me?"

"The client. The one with the cat ...you had lunch with her. What happened?"

"Don't be impertinent, it doesn't suit you."

"She was gorgeous and obviously into you." Alex was shocked and quite speechless. "Something must've happened." Alex shot her a warning glance.

"Everybody's a psychologist," she said incredulously. "Watch it, I got you hired, remember?"

"Alright, alright. But something's up with you."

"I'm tired, that's all," she reported drearily. She sighed and rubbed at her temples. "I'm off. See you tomorrow."

"Yup. Have a good one."

Alex smiled at her wearily as she left. Carly wasn't exactly a friend, but she was nice, simple. And it was daringly kind of her to inform Alex that other people had noticed a change in her behavior. She had felt different the last few days, though in what specific way she wasn't sure. It was a kind of shell-shock, a bizarre feeling that she should contact the beautiful woman who had accosted her in a bathroom the previous week along with a terrible insecurity that it would be both unwise and unwanted. So she waited. She knew eventually this dazed sensation would dissipate and boredom would set back in.

Later that night she surprised herself and sent a text message to Lily Forsyth.

I was just watching season 5 of orphan black and I thought of you. I hope u r doing okay? -Alex

She would probably regret it in the morning but at least she had made an effort.

Around midmorning the next day, Lily texted her back.

Hey you. Thnx for the text. Yeah, I'm okay. I was happy to hear from you. I'd like to talk. Can I call you tonight? If so, what's a good time?

Hmm, interesting, Alex thought.

Yeah, course, any time after 7.30 is good.

Okay, catch u later.

At exactly 7.35 that evening, just as Alex was peeling off her work clothes to put something more comfortable on, her cell phone rang and taking a couple of seconds to collect herself she answered on the fourth ring.

"Hi, Lily."

"Hey, Alex." Lily enquired after her week and made some brief small-talk. Her voice sounded so far away and Alex found herself imagining her face and expressions as she spoke. She pondered that now was as good a time as any to stop this infatuation in its tracks but Lily was barely letting her get a word in.

"You have no idea what a relief it was to hear from you again. I've been making myself crazy thinking about last week. What I did ...it was so stupid of me."

"It's okay. You confused me that's all, I'm a pretty sensitive person. But I get it."

"No, I really don't think you do get it. I wanted to talk to you tonight because I feel like I should make some things clear to you. You opened up to me the other day and told me things that must have been difficult for you. I thought I should return the favor. That is, if you want to hear about me, which I would understand if you didn't ..."

"Yes, I'd like to hear about you. But you don't owe me anything. I'm just your vet. I mean, you seem to have this idyllic, perfect life and you probably don't need a wreck like me coming in and screwing anything up."

"My husband is dead," Lily blurted out as Alex was trying to formulate her meaning eloquently.

"What?"

"My husband, Frank ...he died three years ago."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Alex wasn't, but she was surprised Lily hadn't said anything about this before.

"Don't be. Frank was a cruel and violent man. Even his own son doesn't miss him."

"Ah ...I really don't know what..." Alex had no idea how she was supposed to respond to this.

"I want you to understand that although I was young when I married him, I wasn't naive. I had seen the hateful side of him and I married him anyway ...purely and simply for money." Lily paused but Alex stayed quiet, frowning into her phone. "I'm sure that you're shocked, maybe even repulsed by such an admission." Then silence lapsed in which Alex could hear Lily's unsteady breathing.

"Why are you telling me this?" she finally managed to ask.

"Because I want to be as honest with you as you were with me. Because my life is neither perfect nor idyllic and I don't want you to think you're messing anything up."

"I was wondering why you hadn't mentioned it before. I guess you don't like to talk about it."

"I never talk about it. But you trusted me with something that's hard for you to talk about. I want to spend more time with you, but I would understand if you didn't want to. This is absolutely the worst thing about myself I have to say, but it's also not something I can hide for long. It's the big reason that I'm so unwilling to invite people into my life."

"You said he was a cruel man... You didn't kill him, did you?"

Lily let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob.

"He died of heart failure. He was... Never mind about that, it was a natural death. But you understand what I'm saying don't you? I sold out. I sacrificed myself for money and now I hate who I am. For years I've been like a zombie, numb with self-loathing. I considered suicide as an option too, many times." She sounded choked up.

"What can I do?"

"Don't hate me."

Alex was finding it difficult to wrap her head around Lily's confession but she didn't hate her. She was already trying to make excuses for her behavior in her head and imagining how years of guilt can change a person drastically. But she could think of little to convince Lily that she didn't hate her.

"You know, I've just found this TV series I've never seen before called American Housewife. It looks funny. Do you want to come watch it with me sometime?" It was the one bone she could think of throwing Lily at this point.

"Really?" Lily sniffled.

"Yeah, if you want. If you haven't seen it."

"I haven't. Where? When?"

"I don't know." Alex laughed, relieved she'd said the right thing to change the mood of the weepy woman on the other end of the line. "How is your Saturday night looking? Or Sunday?"

"Free. Completely."

"Cool. Around 8pm Saturday? It seems like we both need some time off of the serious stuff. A couple of drinks if you feel like it. I'll text you my address, okay?"

"Hey, Alex? Thanks."

"No problem. You'll see, we can have a few laughs for once."

When they said goodbye and Alex rung off she wasn't in one of her highly anxious states that usually kept her awake all night. She didn't feel like over-thinking or dwelling on the conversation she'd had and slept easily and dreamlessly.

Chapter 2

At forty minutes past six on Wednesday evening Alex was sitting in her psychiatrist's office staring blankly at the bespectacled older woman opposite her.

"Alex?" Dr. Stansfield said. "Alex, you've been sitting there in silence for...," she glanced at the clock on the wall, "...two minutes. What's wrong? Talk to me."

"Something happened." Alex wasn't sure where to start but it seemed once she got going it was easy to divulge the story of Lily Forsyth. As she spoke the words out loud she found herself becoming more and more distressed, her voice reaching a crescendo of anxiety until she stopped her rant in mid-sentence, ashamed of her overwrought pitch. She was quite close to blubbering but, after all, if she could be honest about the intensity of her feelings anywhere, it was here. Dr. Stansfield sat listening placidly and now she whistled through her teeth.

"Whew. You've had quite a week then. I think that's the most you've ever told me about your practical activities." She gave Alex a reassuring smile. "Take a few deep breaths and let me tell you what I see." Alex nodded her on. "Good. Let's take a step back and evaluate these circumstances with respect to why you are here and the problems you first came to me with. Let's look at this simplistically. You have a problem with depression, yes? That problem is exacerbated by your social isolation which has been self-imposed since your breakdown. You agreed you needed to and were going to make more of an effort with people in order to combat this isolation. Now, when you told me you had met someone who seemed eager to be friends and you had agreed to meet and socialize with her, I was pleased. This is progress for someone in your position. You realize that, don't you?"

"What happened was more than just a social interaction. It wasn't quite what we discussed. It was complicated. It is complicated."

"It does seem to have turned out that way, true. But nothing ever goes as planned, Alex. Having such a 'complicated', as you put it, outcome to one of your first real efforts at human contact on a personal level since your recovery is surprising and I can understand why and how it has stressed you out so much. On the other hand, you are a rather a complicated person and it may be that you are always going to illicit complex reactions from others, or in this case, attract another person who's also complicated."

"I can see that is not a very comforting thing for you to hear at this point. Alright. Let's look at it another way. If you are going to be opening yourself up to friendships this kind of thing will, on occasion, be inevitable. You are young and attractive. Other people, even old and unattractive ones like me have to deal with it too. In your case it feels so overwhelming because you are unused to putting yourself out there, but it may be something you will have to develop a thicker skin about. Having said that, and purely from an outsiders perspective, the feelings you associate with this encounter were clearly mutual. I'm here for you of course. You're taking tentative steps into what is for you, at this time in your life, something of a wilderness. But I have to ask... Was it really that bad? It sounds exciting, and excitement doesn't always have to be expressed negatively."

"But she's a gold-digger, Dr. Stansfield. She came right out with it. I'm not just being paranoid, I have good reason to be worried, don't I? Surely I'm just the next thing that she feels like playing with. Why the hell did I invite her to my house to watch fucking TV with me? What the hell am I doing?"

"Why did you ask her?" Dr. Stansfield peered at her. "Think about it, Alex. Why did you ask her?" Alex leaned back and thought carefully.

"She seems so lonely and sad. But that could be just a ruse. If she's lying about it then I may have opened myself up to some kind of predator. If she's not, then she's vulnerable and only wants to spend time with me because she's so desperate for company ...which is just sad for me." Dr. Stansfield looked as if she was trying very hard not to laugh. "Ah! Why do I always end up feeling like I'm here purely for your entertainment?"

"My apologies. Maybe she just likes you. It does seem like this woman did her best to be honest with you. And you, Alex, have you been completely honest with her?"

"Yes. What do you mean?"

"Have you told her about your problems with relating to people in the past? You may be able to gloss over the facts about your life, but you haven't always had a heart of gold either. And in a logical sense it's probably the reason why you're always so worried about other people victimizing you somehow."

"I don't do that anymore," Alex said sulkily. "Anyway, I think you're exaggerating a bit."

"That's hardly the point. We both know you're too smart to lie to people directly. No, what you do is manipulate conversations in a way that points people toward what you're comfortable about revealing and away from what you're uncomfortable with. It's textbook stuff, and may I remind you that when I first started seeing you it was that particular part of yourself you disliked the most. I think you should be careful of re-establishing habits that have been intrinsic to your nature for most of your life and of over-differentiating between yourself and the rest of the world."

"That's awful. I haven't gained anything from my problem, just the opposite, I used it to drive people away."

"I'm only iterating a point. Every single person on the planet has a dark side. Accepting that part of someone is to truly have them in your life."

Alex lapsed into silence but found the doctors voice reflected her own inner logic and was starting to breathe more easily.

"I think for now, I will only ask you to examine why you jump to such negative conclusions about things like this. And then perhaps to consider, if you do see this woman again, to make your feelings or thoughts on the subject abundantly clear -to her, yes, but the same goes for anyone who in the future may make you feel this way. To be a worthy friend you must know each other in all sincerity without being afraid of frightening each other off."

"But this is exactly the kind of thing I've been trying to avoid by staying away from people. You can see that, can't you? How fucking weird it is, that something like this happens the first time I try to make a friend. I'm telling you I feel like I'm at the mercy of unknown forces!"

"And I'm telling you that the 'unknown forces' you are at the mercy of are your own emotions." Dr. Stansfield pulled her glasses from her nose and peered at Alex. "Alex, you know as well as I do that you've been asked for 'coffee' many times before and many times you've declined. Why did you say yes to this woman? Because you felt chemistry with her. Of all my patients you are close to the top of the list of those least comfortable with or willing to admit their emotions. You are responsible for getting yourself into that situation and now you must accept responsibility to remove yourself from it... If need be."

"What do you mean, 'if need be'?"

"I don't believe you should run away and hide. It's what you've always done and it hasn't worked out for you. Quite the contrary. You must face your emotions head on. Feel them, Alex. If you don't they will come back and bite you in the form of anxiety and depression. Neither you nor I want that. For the past year we've had your depression under reasonably good control and I believe we've reached a reliable balance with your medications. Would you agree with that?"

"I would, yes."

"Alright. Which leaves us to work with the mechanisms for improvement we've discussed which don't involve meds." The doctor paused and looked thoughtful. "What would you say you are most afraid of if you do continue contact with this woman?"

"More of this. Distress, confusion; a rollercoaster of emotions which could set me back on the same road I was on two years ago. What if she hurts me? What if I hurt her? What if ...what if I fall in love?"

"All valid worries, certainly. And risks you have to take in any relationship. I would always advise caution. But what if she turns out to be a great friend? What if she saves you from yourself? Isn't that our real goal here, to bring you not up to a level where you are merely surviving day by day, but to a level where you might actually achieve some degree of happiness?"

"Perhaps I ask too much of life. I don't want to risk falling into a trap and losing everything I've gained over the last couple of years. My sanity."

"I think it's good that you can admit you are afraid of that. To me and to yourself. That level of understanding will allow you to assimilate your fear into your everyday interactions, which will take it out of this office, out of your subconscious and directly into the effort to gain and maintain healthy, honest relationships."

"You make a lot of sense. You're not telling me anything I don't already know, but it does help hearing it from you."

Dr. Stansfield laughed.

"You're one of my most intelligent patients, Alex, but you do intellectualize everything. Remember, when you're in emotionally charged situations logic has no bearing and that is when you have to be strong. Anyway, I thought you didn't believe in love?"

"I don't believe in good love. I believe quite strongly in bad love." The doctor laughed again.

"You have a lot of character and I have trust that things are going to turn out better for you in the future. I know you don't believe me, but I've seen the progress you've made and I'm well aware of the strength you have in you." She became serious. "Be that as it may, if you feel anything destructive rising to the surface before our next appointment you will call me, yes?"

Alex nodded. Mixed messages are a part of life, she said to herself, repeating her therapists mantra; no more black and white thinking, Alex.

"You're still here, Alex. After everything you've been through you are still here. Your insecurities about your past and yourself are getting in the way of you living life to your full potential. Don't let them. Of course be cautious with others, but try to entertain a little optimism for a change."

"So you believe I should not cut off contact with Lily?"

"That's up to you. If you do see her again, be honest about boundaries. Our goal is to get you mixing more, and next time you try it could be with someone a lot less interesting." Alex narrowed her eyes at the secretive smile playing on the doctor's lips.

She's right, though. I might as well see how this plays out.

"How is work? Any problems there...?"

*

When Alex buzzed Lily up to her apartment on Saturday night she was in her usual state of total panic.

"Hey, come in," she said as she opened the door and rushed back to the bathroom to turn off the tap she had left running. "Listen, I should have said something to you before, but where did you park your car? It's not a good neighborhood to leave a car like that."

"Oh, don't worry about it. I came in a taxi. I thought I might need a sober ride home." She held up an enormous bottle.

"Sake!?" Alex grabbed the bottle and studied it. "Jesus, this stuff is potent."

"I know, right," Lily grinned and held up the bags in her other hand. "And sushi."

"Fantastic. How did you know I wouldn't be prepared? I love sushi."

"You would."

"You have a filthy sense of humor."

"This is a light night, is it not?" Lily followed her into the kitchen and putting her bags on the table she looked Alex up and down. "You look like you're in the middle of something. Did you just get home?"

"Sort of. I'm running a bit late today."

"You go, finish up whatever it is. I am capable of pouring drinks and finding plates."

"Okay," Alex said gratefully. "I'll just be a minute," and she disappeared back down the hall.

When Alex returned to the kitchen a few minutes later rubbing her neck with a towel Lily had plates of food and glasses set out on the table and sat in front of Alex's open lap top.

"Make yourself at home, why don't you?"

"Sorry, is this okay?"

"Of course it is." Lily was gaping at Alex, wide-eyed. "What?"

"I've never seen you wearing glasses before."

"Oh, right. I always wear contacts for work."

"You shouldn't bother. You look really hot, in a bookish kind of way."

"It has nothing to do with looks." Alex waved a dismissive hand. "Okay, before I start drinking, some ground rules for tonight."

"Ground rules? Are you joking?"

"No, I'm very serious, this is my domain," Alex said feigning solemnity. "And you, Lily, can do anything you want here except, and this is important, say things like that to me."

"What things?"

"Don't play dumb. Don't flirt with me, it's confusing and I'm easy when I drink. Deal?"

Lily laughed to herself. "Your house, your rules. Deal."

"Excellent." Alex poured herself a glass of the strong Japanese drink Lily had brought and clinked glasses with her.

"Salut!"

"Kumpai!"

"Wait, what? You speak Japanese?" Lily asked impressed.

"No way. Important words like 'cheers' I like to learn in every language," Alex nodded toward the lap top. "Find what you were looking for?"

"Well ...no porn, I expected to find some hot lesbian sex sites in your browser history."

"You're going through my history? Damn it." Alex pulled a chair close to Lily's and tapped at the computer.

"Whatever. You've got nothing embarrassing to hide."

"I only use my tablet for porn."

"Really? Can I see that?"

"I'm joking and stop it. You're breaking my rule. Although, it does make me wonder what kind of weird stuff I might find if I went through your computer." Lily laughed but made no comment. "Here, look at this." Alex pulled up a set of previews and sneak-peeks for American Housewife. "This is the show I was thinking we could watch. Take a look, see if it appeals to you." Alex moved away and began sampling the food on the table in between sips of sake.

"You know, when you said American Housewife I admit I was skeptical, but this does look quirky. Yeah, I'm keen. Will we watch it in here?"

"Lounge. More comfortable, bigger screen."

"Great. I have to pee. Bathroom?"

"Down the hall on the left."

Alex began carrying glasses and plates into the spacious living room and placing them pointedly in front of the two arm chairs. The further I am away from Lily, the better, she thought fretfully. But when Lily returned from the bathroom she threw herself on the couch at the end closest to Alex's chair. Alex looked at her side-ways while she fiddled with the remotes and the wireless keyboard.

"You went through my medicine cabinet, didn't you?" she joked.

"It was just a quick look. You're a neat freak."

"And you are nosey."

"It's not my fault you're interesting."

The two of them sat quietly through the first two episodes of the show and Alex couldn't help stealing glances at Lily, she had a loud, gleeful laugh which warmed Alex to the core. They took a break and refilled their glasses.

"I like it a lot," Lily exclaimed. "She kind of reminds me of Melissa McCarthy, she even looks a bit like her."

"She reminds you of Melissa McCarthy because she's the actress who played her sister in a comedy series called Mike & Molly."

"Oh wow," Lily looked thoughtful. "Wow, you're right. The pot smoking sister. I remember now, how weird, I didn't even like that show much. It's weird how much the subconscious remembers. Which reminds me, there is a strong smell of weed outside your door in the stairwell."

"Yeah, that'll be my neighbor across the hall, he has a grow room in his place and smokes it constantly. It smells like that almost all the time."

"Really?" Lily was very amused. "He's never been busted?"

"Nah, the police have better things to do. He's a good neighbor, keeps to himself but is always friendly."

By the time they got through the next two episodes Lily's face was flushed and she was starting to slur her words slightly and Alex was very relaxed.

"You're good to watch with. You concentrate and don't talk. People who want to comment on what's happening as its happening are irritating."

Lily looked around the room and Alex started up a playlist quietly and watched her.

"You know, you're kind of a minimalist," she remarked.

"Yeah, I guess."

"I thought I might find something around here that speaks about your past. But all you've really got is electronic equipment."

"I don't have much else to spend my money on. I like technology."

"It's an awesome entertainment system, I have to admit. But no photos, no pictures in frames. It's like there's nothing inside you."

"Ouch, that's a bit harsh... But actually, if it is past you want, take a look in my spare room. Just through there."

Lily opened a door off the living room and squealed in delight as she flicked the light switch on.

"That's what I'm talking about!"

The walls were lined with photos of Alex's family and filled with books, DVD's and junk she had managed to salvage from her parents' home before it was sold. Lily approached a series of photos of her father from boyhood to old age.

"Who is this man? He's so ...wow!"

"My Dad. He was in the RAF and a professional weight-lifter. Hence the poses."

Lily stared at the pictures. If she hadn't been tipsy Alex probably would have felt uncomfortable having her family scrutinized so carefully, but as it was she didn't mind. Lily was clearly awestruck, which was a nice feeling.

"Where is he now?"

"He died in 2014. I'll be back in a minute," she said and left Lily studying the walls.

"Is this you?" she asked when Alex got back. "Oh my God, Alex, you were the cutest kid ever."

"I know, what happened, right?" Lily gave her a mysterious look.

"You're not just cute anymore is what happened. You should see me when I was little, I look like a deformed elf." She pointed toward another picture, "Tell me about this one. Such beautiful children."

"That's all of us the day of my christening. My Mom is probably taking the photo."

"These are all your brothers and sisters?"

"Yup."

"Oh wow, that's intense. And are they still around?"

"One's in California, one's in Australia. The others are here. We don't spend much time together anymore. Honestly, I don't get along that well with them. Siblings, you know?"

Lily looked at her. "Not really. I don't have any. You're so lucky, even if you don't get along." She gave Alex one of her dazzling smiles. "Thank you. For showing me this." They returned to the lounge and sprawled comfortably, glasses in hand.

"Why do you keep it all hidden away in there?"

"I don't know. I guess it's just more comfortable for me not to have it in my face all the time. If I'm feeling nostalgic it's there, but it's mostly relegated to my past and I like it that way."

"You are a dark horse. I like your place. It's got ambience and it's ...I don't know, you can hear things going on in the building, people moving around upstairs ...life, you know?"

"I do know. I hear some freaky shit sometimes. But you get used to it. What's your place like?"

"You can see for yourself if you want. It's quiet. Dead, almost. There's Jacob, but he's a quiet boy at the best of times. And there's Lucy, the live-in housekeeper. I don't think she likes me very much, she seems to just stay out of the picture as much as possible."

"You have a live-in housekeeper? Damn."

"Yes, it's a big house and it requires a lot of attention, but I never really need to do anything. I don't even need to be there for Jacob though we are in the habit of spending time together. We've got used to and come to depend on each other a bit."

"So you are his legal guardian?"

"I am. Frank was right about that at least. I remember him telling me I should stay with Jacob, that we were the only two good things he'd ever done. It was probably the nicest thing he ever said to me. So I take care of all the formal aspects of his upbringing, his education, any medical issues and such. I offer him what emotional support I can but Jacob isn't exactly what you'd call a needy child. He's very independent."

"What happened to his mother?"

"She died in childbirth apparently. I've seen pictures and heard stories about her. I think she was probably a lot like me. Even she was much younger than Frank, if she were still alive she'd be only 36 now, I think of her often. I love Jacob but it's all just a bit of a mess."

"Oh come on, Lily. Cheer up. At least you aren't living in Syria."

"True. Fuck, wouldn't that be a bitch."

"I like it when you swear." Alex got up and walked towards the balcony door. "I'm going out for a smoke. Coming?" Lily pulled her coat from the end of the sofa, shrugged it on and followed Alex.

"Oh cool, nice view. I am really starting to like it here," Lily said looking up to the clear, starry sky.

Alex leaned out over the balcony, peering through the low lying fog, her face only partially lit by a nearby street light. She puffed on a cigarette then offered it to Lily.

"Thank you. You know, I didn't think you would approve of smoking."

Alex smiled into the darkness. "I only smoke when I drink. What about you? I thought I smelled lingering smoke in your car, behind the new upholstery scent."

"I used to smoke a lot when I was younger. Not so much now. The stigma attached is getting hard to deal with." They stood sharing the cigarette and enjoying the biting cold and beautiful night until Alex noticed Lily shivering.

"You're cold. Let's go back in."

"It's so nice out there, though," Lily said as Alex shut the door and pulled the lock.

"My ex got me in the habit of going outside to smoke. He hated it." They settled back in their positions and Alex tossed a blanket from the back of her chair over to Lily. "Take this."

"Thanks. Wait, back up, your ex was a guy?" Lily swallowed a large mouthful from her glass. "Oh, this outta be good." She looked at Alex questioningly with a grin on her face. Alex shrugged in response and slurped from her own glass.

"What? I never said I was only into women."

"You didn't, did you ...and when I first saw you I wouldn't have thought you liked women but now I've got so used to the idea. So, what, you're bi?"

"No," Alex admitted. "I am only into women."

"So ...why the guy? Come on, tell me; don't be so secretive."

"I don't know. I was younger, I was experimenting, I was indulging my ego, I was being selfish, I was trying to make my mother happy. Take your pick."

"You did it to make your mother happy? That's got to be the sweetest selfish thing I've ever heard of..."

"Why are you so shocked? People continue in loveless relationships all the time. You did. I mean at least I actually liked Michael. He was cool."

"Hey, I'm not judging you," Lily laughed. "I'm just trying to wrap my head around it."

"You are fun to shock."

"It just doesn't seem like something you would do at all! How long were you with him? Did he know you weren't in love with him?"

"He knew I preferred women. He found it a huge turn on. We were together just over a year, he wasn't stupid, he figured out somewhere along the way that I wasn't going to stay with him."

Lily shook herself. "I'm still trying to figure out what you saw in him."

"Well, he was very smart, we connected on an intellectual level. And he was easy, men are easier than women in many ways, less rewarding but definitely easier. True, I wasn't that attracted to him emotionally but it doesn't mean we didn't have good sex. We did. He was adventurous and, for a guy, very willing to please. He was like a life-size sex toy that I could also discuss politics and science with."

"Oh, hell!" Lily was almost hysterical.

"I don't regret it. But don't get me wrong, Lily. I've matured since then and I don't have a sick mother to care about anymore."

"So what happened? Did you break his heart?"

"I don't think so. We just seemed to be going in different directions. The feeling was mutual."

"Different directions? Was he into men as well?"

"Ha-ha. Not that I know of. Why? Want me to introduce you? Maybe you'd like him."

"I doubt that."

"Why not? What dark secrets have you got lurking in your sexual history, Lily?"

"Me? I was only ever with Frank and he was a fucking sadist. But I really don't want to talk about that."

"Only him? I find that hard to believe."

"It's true. Apart from that I have no real experience."

"You haven't been with anyone since he died?" Alex's jaw was drooping.

"Now look who's shocked," Lily teased her.

"Well, you're ...you could have anyone you wanted. Haven't you ever been in love?"

"No." Lily sipped her drink. "How many times have you been in love?"

"Once. It didn't work out but I still dream about her, that's what makes me think it must have been real love."

"You didn't realize you were in love at the time?"

"I've never been that good with strong emotions and ...compromises were made."

"It's a big apartment. Have you always lived here alone?"

"Michael lived here for a while. Other people from time to time, the last one was a stripper for a couple of months last year."

"Girlfriend?"

"God, no. She got kicked out of one of the downstairs apartments and had nowhere else to go."

"But you liked her?"

"I really didn't, she looked good but she had nothing up here," Alex tapped her temple. "I just felt bad for her. One day I came home and found her smoking meth on the couch and that was the final straw. I told her to find somewhere else and she did."

"Don't you ever get lonely?"

"Not really. I like being alone. People can be more trouble than they are worth."

"Mm. Would it surprise you that I'm a loner too?"

"No, it's one of the few things you have revealed about yourself. You miss being married though?"

"Absolutely not. I'm happy he's gone. But I do get lonely sometimes. It's just hard for me to find people I really like. Sometimes I talk to people online, but it's empty and people are obnoxious and demanding. If I finally find someone to have a decent conversation with they end up asking for nude pictures or to Skype with me."

"Oh yeah, I know the feeling," Alex laughed. "Be careful with that. If they saw what you actually look like you'll end up with an obsessive stalker on your hands."

"You think?" Lily looked at her curiously.

"Of course. No porn sites, Lily, or you'll get whisked off to the Middle East and turned into a sex slave."

"I know it!" Lily laughed.

"If you are really that lonely you should try taking a course in something, you'd be able to connect with people in a safer environment."

"I've actually considered classes before. But I find the idea as off-putting as it is appealing. And I'm not that lonely, just a little. I'm crippled by indecisiveness."

"You remind me a so much of myself when you say things like that."

"Spider!" Lily yelled suddenly and leapt up to stomp on the tiny arachnid scuttling over the carpet.

"Stop! Look, it won't hurt you." Alex felt embarrassed but couldn't stop her response. She picked it up carefully and opened the window to place it on the sill outside. "It's just looking for somewhere nice to be, food, warmth. It's a living creature, Lily. A conscious, living creature."

"Oh my God, Alex," Lily looked shocked.

"Sorry, I just don't understand why you think its existence is worth so much less than ours."

"That is the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Why don't you have any pets of your own?"

"We aren't allowed dogs in this building and Luger died a couple of years ago."

"Luger?"

"My cat, she was very old."

"You named your cat Luger? Like after the German gun?"

"Uh-huh. Not much gets past you, does it?"

"What a cool name for a cat. You like guns?"

"Theoretically."

"You could get another cat."

"They always get sick in the end, I don't like that," Alex frowned.

"You're in the wrong profession."

"Probably. Faraway, so close. But there's at least some emotional detachment at work. Not quite the same as opening up your home to a pet who'll be with you all its life and death."

"Don't you kill anything?"

"I kill animals all the time at work. I've always quite liked spiders, maybe because they kill flies. I hate flies." Alex shot a strange look at the woman across from her. "You don't like talking about yourself much, do you?"

"I envy you, you know," Lily said.

"You shouldn't say things like that. Everybody has problems."

"Admire then. You work hard, you take care of yourself. You are completely independent, self-sufficient. But it's more than that, it's like I look around this place and I love what you've got here, but with you it just seems like even if everything was taken away, if you lost it all, you'd be able to rebuild yourself and your surroundings easily."

"That's because there isn't much to them. I'm a minimalist, remember?"

"Maybe, but I was wrong about there being nothing inside you."

"Was your marriage really that horrible?" Alex was beginning to think Lily must have very good reasons for avoiding talking about herself so adamantly.

"Yes," Lily said solemnly. "But it's in the past and I've dwelt on it for long enough. I'm only 28 for God's sake."

"I'll drink to that."

"Would you come here so we can toast properly, you're too far all the way over there." Alex gave Lily a dubious look in response. "Oh c'mon, Alex. Are you afraid of me?"

"Yes," Alex admitted but she stumbled slightly over and collapsed on the couch next to Lily. "But if I pass out you are not allowed to take advantage of me."

"Your father was an impressive looking man. Seems like you were close. What was he like?"

"He was the best person I ever knew. We were close, I had a connection with him none of the others had, I know they hate me for that."

"You were his favorite?" Lily laughed. "Yeah, I can see that, daddy's little girl."

"Only because of timing. Just when I was coming into my tenth year my brother was badly injured in a car accident and Mom started devoting all her attention to him but Dad had just retired so he pretty much took over with me. He was so different from Mom, very English, very stoic. He didn't care about God but he was philosophical, he loved poetry and modern culture while Mom was old-fashioned and ridiculously Catholic. I loved Mom very much but it is Dads voice that echoes louder in my head. His moral compass was far more accurate than Moms was. I think deep down Mom preferred her sons to her daughters, while Dad was all about female empowerment," Alex smiled at the memory.

"I wish I could have met him."

"What are your parents like? Are they still alive?"

"Yes, but I never see them. They divorced a few years ago and they're both remarried now. It must have been very hard for you to lose your parents, but me, I wouldn't care either way. Neither of mine were particularly good role models."

"How come?"

"They didn't pay much attention to me. I'm pretty sure I was the biggest mistake they ever made." Lily smiled sadly and Alex felt bad for asking her.

"Sorry."

"You look sleepy."

"Just a little drunk."

"You haven't eaten enough either." Lily pulled the blanket over Alex's knees and placed a plate of avocado rolls on top of it.

"You know, if your mission is to fatten me up, it is working. I already owe you two meals."

"Good. So I get to share at least two more meals with you."

"Hm. Should we change it up and watch something else?"

"Sounds good. What are our options?"

"Anything you want." Alex passed the keyboard to Lily and popped an avocado roll into her mouth.

"Hey, do you have anything against horror?" Lily asked as she scrolled through the Netflix website.

"Not at all. It does a good service distracting me from real life horrors. That's all I ask, that you don't put on something realistic about war. I like supernatural though, or medical sci-fi. Especially if it's UK produced. I really liked American Horror Story. But I like feature films set in remote UK or Irish locations better." Alex was feeling herself drift out of reality as she often did when she got too tired. "I babble a bit when I'm overtired."

"You're exhausted. You can barely keep your eyes open."

"I'm okay."

"Why are you afraid of me?" Lily asked softly.

"Don't take it too personally. I'm afraid of everyone."

"But why?"

"It's a long, sad story, not really a good topic for today."

"Today is over. It is yesterday's tomorrow now. Tell me?"

Alex sighed, her mind was very fuzzy but she was relaxed, content. "Something inside me snapped during my breakdown. I never really recovered from it. I'm not the same person, technically I should be dead. I lost too many people I loved in too short a time and I didn't cope well. I suppose I have abandonment issues, I don't spend time with anyone anymore, not like this."

"That makes me feel pretty special."

"You are special. But I think you're lonely and that might be making you confused. I want you to feel safe with me. I like you, there doesn't seem to be any need to complicate friendship." Alex yawned, she was so close to dropping off as her head lolled on the back of the couch. "Are you hypnotizing me?"

She heard Lily giggle.

"You're just tired, that's all."

As she got sucked deeper into unconsciousness, she was vaguely aware of Lily brushing the locks of hair from her face and kissing her forehead. "Sleep well, beautiful girl." She thought that might have been a dream.

When she woke next the dawn light of a cold, winter day was beginning to creep through the curtains.

"You are awake. Good morning," a voice said just above her head. She jerked up.

"I ...uh ...slept on you."

"I didn't want to wake you, you obviously needed it."

"What time is it? How long was I out?"

"Only a few hours, it's just past seven."

"Damn it. I'm so sorry, Lily. You really should have woken me."

"You were comatose. I moved you a couple of times to use the bathroom. I could have left then, but I guess I didn't want to."

"But you haven't slept at all?"

"Are you kidding? It was the best night I've had in ages. I got to watch a couple of movies, sip sake, and listen to you snore all night."

"I don't snore!"

"No, you don't," Lily smirked. "You sleep like the dead. But it was nice, I felt like your guardian angel." Alex rubbed her eyes embarrassed.

"Do you want some water? Juice? Coffee?" Alex headed to the kitchen to get a bottle of water from the fridge.

"Pass. I'm still a little drunk. I really should go home now, I've cramped your style long enough, I think. I'll call for a taxi."

"I'm really sorry I fell asleep on you ...literally. So pathetic."

"Don't be dumb, I had a good night," Lily paused, looking cautious. "What are you doing next weekend?"

Alex drank thirstily, the cool liquid very welcome in her dry, slightly hung-over condition.

"Probably the same thing. My routine doesn't change much."

"Well ...maybe I could keep you company again?"

"Yeah, if you don't find it too dull."

"Alex," Lily shook her head in wonder. "Maybe next week I could tell you how I've spent the last few years of my life."

"You? Talk about yourself? How intriguing, sounds like a plan."

Lily pulled her coat on and collected her bag and phone and Alex walked her down to the front of the building.

"Thank you for inviting me. It was nice. Text me, okay?" Lily kissed Alex on the cheek and gave her a warm smile before climbing into the waiting taxi. Alex watched her disappear then slunk back up to the warmth of her couch and another couple of hours sleep.

Chapter 3

Lily spent the next two Saturday nights at Alex's though she had excused herself for home earlier than the first. She seemed aware of Alex's need to sleep and had quickly learned to recognize the fluttering eye-lid signs of her eminent lapse into unconsciousness. Alex appreciated it and was finding their nights together less of a panic alert and more something she looked forward to. But Lily had spoken little of her own life and had a habit of brushing aside any probing questions Alex sent her way with vagueness and reciprocal queries. It didn't bother Alex much but on their fourth consecutive Saturday together she had it in the back of her mind to stay awake for as long as it took to get Lily talking about herself more.

"Whoa. Angry music. I like it," Lily said as Alex let her in. "Who is this?"

"Oh yeah. Trapt. Death metal relaxes me. Fucked up, I know." Alex turned the volume down and showed Lily the food she'd picked up earlier. "I got home early tonight so I'm better prepared. What's going on with you? You don't look very happy." Lily had just been working out a trip overseas to visit Jacob's aunt, her sister in law and it had got her down.

"I take it you don't get along."

"Honestly, Alex, I just want to get drunk and not think about it," Lily sighed.

"Alright then. Shots and beer."

"Great. What are we watching tonight?"

"Can we just hang out in here for a few minutes?" Alex poured Lily a shot of whiskey and watched her down it immediately. "Good lord." Lily laughed self-consciously. "Nah, that's okay. That kind of day, I guess. Here." Alex poured another and placed a bottle of Corona beside it. "Do you want a glass for that?"

"No. Sorry, if I seem weird."

"Have you eaten dinner?"

"Yes, don't worry. What is this, by the way?"

"Johnny Walker. I know, very masculine of me. My mother loved it, she got me into it when I was still a teenager."

"Your mother had good taste. Wait, you drank scotch with your Mom when you were still a teenager?"

"No exactamente. I just used to nick it from her stash." Alex was relieved to see Lily laugh, she appeared to be loosening up a bit, although that wasn't surprising, since she had already downed two shots and taken a long swig of beer. Alex shifted the bottle to the table. "Help yourself, please. Go at your own pace. This is a safe space."

"Ha. You're such a poet." Lily frowned. "Can you put the angry music back on? I liked it."

"Um, angry music ...yeah, I can do that." She switched to a line-up of Trapt, Disturbed and Godsmack.

"Hey, while we're in here, can I use your computer to do something on you?" Lily asked.

"Do something on me?"

"I've been doing some reading on Carl Jung and I've stumbled across something I find quite interesting. Have you ever heard of the Myers-Briggs personality typology?"

"I have actually. You want to test me?"

"Yeah, I just want to see. I was thinking about it a bit the last few days, trying to figure out what you were based on what I'd learned."

"Feel like I'm in a job interview. Sure, go ahead." Alex handed her the lap top from the counter. It turned out to take longer than 20 minutes but Alex was only happy that Lily was talking and smiling, she seemed to forget whatever it was that had been worrying her.

"I can't believe it ...well, no, I can believe it, it's just so awesome."

"Alright, I'll take the bait. What am I?"

"You're the same type as me. You're an INTP. Do you know how rare that is, especially for women ...it's so fucking bizarre, but now I get it. Why I felt such an affinity for you from our first meeting. I wonder if the result could be wrong... But no, I did suspect it ...it's just too cool."

"I find it highly insulting that you like me based on the psychoanalytical theories of Carl Jung."

"Of course you do, you're an INTP!"

"I will have to look up these types on my own time to see if it's really worthy of your apparent amazement."

Lily leaned back in her chair and studied Alex with a huge smile on her face. "You do that. I feel so much better now. I knew you would cheer me up."

"I think that might be Johnny Walkers fault... Or Carl Jung even."

Lily shook her head still smiling. "Are we watching something tonight?"

"Yeah, sure. Help me carry this stuff through."

"I never asked you how your week has been. You okay?"

"Yup. Crap sleep for the last couple of nights, other than that, all good."

"I don't want to go to Rome. It's not that I don't get along with Frances, she's always been good to me. It's just that it's a bit forced, a bit tense. Actually staying with her and having to put on this mask 24/7 is going to be a mission."

"At least you're talking about it now. How long are you going for?"

"Eight nights in total. God help me."

"Why don't you just drop Jacob off and say you're going to stay with an old friend from school you haven't seen for a long time. Then hole up at a hotel."

"You have a devious mind. Hm, it's a good idea."

They watched a couple of episodes of American Housewife but Lily was knocking back the whiskey with alarming speed.

"Shit. Lily, if you keep drinking as much as you are as quickly as you are you'll end up throwing up all day tomorrow."

"I don't care. I just want to forget."

"Forget what? Are you drinking like this because you're here with me?"

"No. It was inevitable I would turn into an alcoholic." Lily went to throw back another shot and Alex stopped her short with a hand on her arm.

"Alright. Stop it right there. You'll make yourself sick."

"So?"

"Look, if all you want is to get wasted I've got something better. I'll probably have to give it to you in the morning for nausea anyway so I might as well use it as a preventative measure. Just stop with the shots, please. It's not worth it." Alex went to the cabinet beside the door to the balcony and got a packet out of a drawer. "Honestly, it's a far better alternative to killing yourself. You want?"

"Hell, yes!" Lily nodded and Alex quietly rolled a joint while she peered out of the balcony window sipping on her beer.

"We should smoke it in here though," Alex said lighting up, taking a deep drag and handing it to Lily.

"I don't know why you didn't bring this stuff out sooner. Thank you. It's been ages."

"You've obviously smoked it before," Alex said impressed by Lily's huge prolonged lungful.

"It tastes so good. I had almost forgotten." Lily sat, puffing occasionally and Alex was worried about her, but more relieved that she had got something to stop her from chugging back 40% alcohol so readily. What the hell was it that had got her so stressed out, she wondered. She watched as after only four large puffs Lily held it in her hand until it went out. She was relaxed now.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"So okay," Lily sighed.

"I really hope you don't hate me for giving you that in the morning. You're staying here tonight, okay."

Alex started up a movie but the next thing she knew Lily was standing over her, shaking her by the arm.

"Wake up, please, Alex. There's someone looking for us." Alex slowly came to and observed the panic in Lily's eyes.

She listened.

"Oh yeah, it's the police."

"What?! Fuck! I am so completely fucked."

Alex chuckled and peered out of the windows to the street below.

"Lily, calm down. They aren't even vaguely looking for us. Look at me?"

"Okay."

"We are fine. My neighbor has a grow room and they aren't even looking at him, alright? This is funny. It's just amusing. Relax, nothing important is happening."

"Then why the hell are the police here?"

"Probably a domestic disturbance or someone's been caught with a weapon. That's the beauty of this neighborhood, there's always someone doing something worse than we are. Calm down." Lily was actually shaking. "It's okay, we're all good. No one is paying any attention to us." Alex pulled her into her arms. "Please. I'm sorry it freaked you out but it's okay. There isn't a problem." Lily had her arms so tight around Alex it hurt.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, absolutely. Do you honestly think I would put you in any danger by being here? You are so safe. Neither the police nor any petty criminals would bother us." Alex laughed. "Look at me." Lily looked her in the eye. "We're fine. You are fine. Do you trust me?"

Lily nodded her head and Alex laughed again. "Alright. Good. It's what... Just past eleven. C'mon, we can turn all the lights on, have a drink, have a smoke and have a talk, maybe put something stupid to watch on. Good?"

"Alright. I'm sorry."

"Don't be, it's a shitty neighborhood, you have every right to be paranoid when police sirens go off, especially if you're a bit high. Trust me though, I've been living here for six years, every single one of my neighbors have our backs if something seriously criminal happens and some of the people in this building are just bad, no one messes with us anymore."

"Can you just stay close for a while?" Lily clung to her arm.

"Maybe you should go home. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you would freak out so bad."

"No, I'm okay." Lily made a visible effort to straighten herself. "I want to stay."

"Hey, remember your trip to Rome and your sister in law?"

"Oh God." Lily's faced crumpled. "Thanks for reminding me."

"Well? Didn't this at least take your mind off that? Playing one bad thing off another isn't always a bad idea."

"Quite right. You definitely took my mind off it. For a bit."

"Listen. They've gone. You see, we are safe."

"Yeah, I was being an idiot."

"Just not used to it, you'll be alright. How are you feeling?"

"Okay. Just a bit foolish ...and slightly ebullient. I thought I liked your place, now I just kind of love it."

"Ebullient? What a word. That's good, means you got your brain back."

"What now?"

"We have two decent brains, most of a night ahead of us, and an entire internet full of entertainment. What do you think?"

"I think...." Lily leaned into the cushions of the couch.

"I'll get you some water."

"I think you should put something on, but I also think you should come close to me. I want to talk to you."

Alex handed her a bottle of water. "I'm just glad you didn't get so drunk I might need to call an ambulance. I was thinking it might be me."

"No, thank you for stopping me, even if you used drugs to do it. I'm sorry. It's not your fault." Lily brushed a lock of strawberry hair off Alex's face. "You shouldn't work so much. You look so tired."

"Thanks. I haven't been sleeping well the last couple of nights."

"Work stress?"

"I doubt it. Work does kind of suck though. I'm going to have another puff if you don't mind."

"I don't mind. I thought you liked your job?"

"I do most of the time. There are sad cases, of course, abuse, neglect. But I have bad dreams which aren't connected at all to work."

"What dreams?"

"Just weird, random shit. Take last night, for example, I slept for four hours tops, but during those four hours I had the most vivid, epic dream. I was a soldier in a war, but it was the future and we were fighting inside a spaceship."

"Trippy."

"Yeah, I woke up and I was covered in sweat and it took a long time to shake the sense of it away. You might think that I smoke this stuff too much but I actually hardly ever smoke it, this is a rare occasion. Maybe I just watched too much Doctor Who when I was little."

"But these dreams really scare you, yeah? You know, I wouldn't dismiss them so easily, they probably have some deeper significance."

"What significance?" Alex was skeptical.

"Well, take the soldier part, for instance, could mean you feel a need to defend your beliefs and values and are preparing to do battle over an issue. The space-ship indicates a creative mind and a journey into something that's unknown to you, something bizarre or unusual. War could symbolize internal conflict in your waking life or reflect your feelings about the wars in the East painted all over the news these days. Put them together and you have ...well, put it this way, I'm glad you have a therapist you get along well with."

"Where did you get that from? Did you just make all that up?" Alex asked in amused shock.

"No! It's standard dream interpretation. Of course, being standard it's probably not very true. I do think dreams are important, but interpretation has to be tailored specifically to you, it's too personal to generalize about. I tried to learn as much as I could about dreams when I started having nightmares myself a few years back. I even read Sigmund Freud's 'The Interpretation of Dreams' cover to cover which I found almost entirely useless. Have you told your psychiatrist about these dreams?"

"No. Well, yes, but not the details. I can only expect so much unconventionality from her, poor woman. You're full of surprises, Lily," she said lazily. "Have you ever seen a show called Black Mirror?"

"Uh-uh. Never heard of it."

"Being into all that psychobabble, you might like it. It's very intellectual and ...well, weird as hell."

"Thank you, I'm so flattered that I would make you think of something like that."

"It's an anthology, so we could watch an episode I've never seen before and you'd still be able to follow it. Want to?"

"Yeah, for sure, chuck it on."

They watched episode 4 of season 3 and when it was over Lily turned to Alex with a huge smile on her face.

"That was brilliant!"

"Really? You liked it? I didn't realize that episode was going to be about two women together. I'm a little embarrassed."

"Aw, and here I thought you were trying to tell me something. It took me a while to figure out what was actually happening but that was just so unusual and ...really sweet."

"It was a bit. None of the episodes I've seen before have been quite like that. It's supposed to depict the dark side of technology and some of them have been kind of sick, to be honest. That was ...unexpected."

"The dark side of technology, huh? I'll have to check up on that." Lily leaned back, still smiling to herself. "Wouldn't it be nice, to be able to go anywhere and do anything in a virtual world like that, even after you were dead? Surely that would never be possible."

"Don't be too sure. It would require a transference of consciousness, of course. Not something within our capabilities in the near future. But H. G. Wells imagined genetic engineering in the 1890's. Given enough time, everything we're able to think up could be possible."

"It's intense. Makes you question reality."

"It makes me question consciousness. Our reality is defined by our consciousness. Black Mirror depicts the dark side of technology, right? I've been reading this book which goes into just how afraid we should be of Artificial Intelligence in the future." Alex leaned back, plucked a book from the shelf behind the sofa and flicked through it. "Listen to this, 'I believe that consciousness is the way information feels when being processed. I therefore think it's likely that they too would feel self-aware and should be viewed not as mere lifeless machines but as conscious beings like us -but with a consciousness that subjectively feels quite different from ours.' Do you know what that means?"

"Yes," Lily looked pensive. "But if that's the case, then everything that processes information is self-aware."

"Exactly. Just in a very different way than us."

"That's deep. There wouldn't be much comfort in turning vegan. What is this book?" Lily snatched it off Alex and studied the cover. "'What Should We Be Worried About?' Alex, do you really think this is the best reading material for someone struggling with nihilism and depression?" Lily laughed.

"Mm, no, but ignoring things doesn't make them any less of a threat."

"This is true. So you work six days a week, you read books like that at home. What do you do to de-stress?"

"I run."

"You run to de-stress?"

"Yeah, an hour most mornings. The rhythm of motion, breathing. It's the only time my head actually clears of all its junk. It's like a drug, well it is a drug."

"You must be pretty fit."

"That's an added bonus, I guess. What do you do for exercise? You're in great shape."

"Not a hell of a lot," Lily admitted. "I swim at home and I go to a gym sometimes but I don't do it for fun. I hate it actually. The whole gym atmosphere creeps me out."

"Look at us, a pair of anti-socialites."

"Yeah, weird that we found each other. In a world full of sheeple, everyone always skirting around each other, avoiding confrontation. Avoiding elephants in rooms, so to speak."

"Are you talking about anything in particular, or just generalizing?"

"Well... It's one thing to be able to criticize the way we are, quite another to actually go against the grain and do something different."

"I'm not sure I'm following you."

"Ah, don't mind me. Sometimes I find it hard to articulate my feelings. Or I'm just stoned."

"You and me both."

"Suffice it to say, I'm not surprised you're suffering from bad dreams concentrating your powers of perception on books like that. Sometimes when you look into the abyss, the abyss looks back at you."

"You're quoting Nietzsche? Jesus, Lily, you're really well read."

"And you're really cute." Alex shot her a disbelieving glance. "What, are you truly that unaware of how lovely you are? You're ... I don't know how to put it. Glacial, there's a glacial quality to your features, such pale skin and such dark eyes. You're like a demon, but a sexy demon."

"You should really stop saying things like that to me."

"Why?"

"Because I get this strong feeling that you're toying with me."

"Why would you think that?" Lily was sitting up, alert now, expectant.

Alex sighed, she wasn't uncomfortable, she had too much alcohol in her veins for that. She calculated to herself that now is as good a time as any to broach the subject.

"Okay. Alright, you think that confrontation is important? Acknowledging elephants in rooms?" Lily nodded. "How did you end up marrying an old guy you didn't like when you were still a teenager? I mean, when you first told me about it on the phone you clearly understood the significance of having something like this in your past. You thought I would hate you. I don't hate you, Lily, I'm just finding it difficult to connect the fact of it to this enchanting, intelligent person in front of me. What concerns me is the amount of acting ability it would require to continue in a loveless, no horrible marriage for six years. It's incomprehensible. It makes me feel insecure. I mean... Are you a predator, Lily?"

"Predator? That's a strong word. But you're right, you do deserve an explanation." Lily took a long swig from her bottle and looked down at her hands. "I told you I wasn't naive, but maybe I was. I was 19, can you remember how different you were at 19? I underestimated how badly Frank would treat me. If you had asked me if I was a user, then you would be right, I married him for his money, for what he could offer me. But Frank used me as well. He took every opportunity to make my life as painful and terrifying as possible, to make me feel worthless. Being married to him was a nightmare. If only I had understood back then exactly how much this one stupid decision would impact my life." Tears appeared at the corners of Lily's eyes, Alex put an arm around her thin shoulders. "I'm okay, I want to tell you. I want you to understand how it came to this. The family I was raised in wasn't like yours, Alex. My parents were awful people, are awful people. I've read books that say that we often end up in relationships that emulate how we were treated as children. I know that sounds like I'm trying to make excuses for bad behavior, but there is truth to those kinds of theories. I thought that by marrying Frank I would have a life in which I would never have to see my parents again, and I was right. Whether it was worth it or not is debatable. But it's done... It's done."

"Lo siento, I had to ask."

"I never cheated on Frank, I never even thought about it. Sometimes I think that's why he chose me. I had this misguided sense of duty to him and he knew he had me trapped, not just legally but psychologically as well. A trap that didn't even start to fall away until long after he died. And it's changed me. I met Frank when I was 17, he was my father's boss. I thought I was so damn cool, I thought I had every advantage because I was younger and he acted like he loved me at first. But I was an idiot; now I can picture so clearly how he must have seen me back then and it makes me sick to think about. He knew everything about me, how I would act, what I would want, what I would do. He anticipated every action and reaction and played on them perfectly to make me another one of his possessions. It's disgusting, I'm the one that's sorry."

"You're okay," Alex said rubbing her shoulders. "It's over now. I was wrong to bring it up."

"You want to know if you're in any danger of being deceived..." Lily continued, "I don't blame you, it makes sense that you'd be concerned, you're no fool. I would never do something like that again, something based in lies. But I know there's nothing I could do to convince you of that right now. It would take time, if you can give me that."

"I trust you. Maybe that's why the whole thing scares me so much."

"You are sweet. I would never hurt you, I just want you to be a part of my life. You balance me somehow."

"I'm not sure I could even balance myself." Alex rolled up her sleeve and held her arm out for Lily to see.  
"Is that how you did it?" she asked running a finger up an angry red scar along the inside of Alex's arm.

Alex nodded. "You still think I'm sexy?"

"Yes," Lily said softly. "Didn't it hurt?"

"No. I don't remember anything except an intense desire not to exist anymore." Alex rolled her sleeve down. "I should be dead, I miscalculated how long it would take to bleed out."

"There's a reason you're still here. I hope you know that." Lily hugged her tightly. "Don't ever do that again."

"I don't intend to. But you should understand that I'm not a strong person."

"Sensitivity and weakness aren't the same thing. You've been to hell and come back."

"Seems like you have too. Why do you still wear your wedding ring?"

"This isn't actually the ring Frank gave me. I wear a ring on this finger because I find it a slightly successful deterrent to the advances of other guys. Do you feel better about me now, even just a bit?"

"Honestly, yeah. Thanks for talking about it."

"It wasn't quite what I meant when I said elephant in the room, but I'm glad you asked. I don't want you to feel insecure around me. Can we watch another episode of that one we saw before?"

"Black Mirror?"

"That's it."

"Yeah, of course. But be warned, they aren't all as nice as that."

Alex woke up late on Sunday morning to find she'd fallen asleep against Lily again. At least this time Lily was asleep as well. Alex watched her breathing for a minute, she looked so peaceful and beautiful. She left her to her dreams and went to the kitchen to make coffee.

She was in the bathroom brushing the funk from her mouth when her doorbell screeched. Oh no, she thought, cringing inside. It was her sister, Nicola. Alex let her in and offered her a cup of coffee hoping the surprise visit would be brief.

"Is this going to take long? It's the worst time."

"Hi," Lily came into the kitchen her hair tousled, looking dazed. "I need water."

Nicola looked at Alex questioningly with a smirk. "Hello there. Who's this, Alex?"

"Lily, meet my sister, Nikki. Nikki, this is Lily, a friend of mine." She handed Lily a bottle of water. "Coffee?"

"Yes, please." Lily glugged thirstily at the water. "Hello Nikki. Sorry for my state, I'm a little hung-over."

"Well, looks like you two had a good night. Smells like it too. Shit, Alex, I thought you'd stopped smoking that stuff."

"Yeah right. I bet you still imbibe. Why are you here? We just spoke last night."

"We did, and I told you I'd be stopping by today. Guess you were already half-way gone." Alex handed her a mug. "Thank you." She looked at Lily who had sat down at the table and put her head in her arms. "So, Lily, you and my little sister, huh?"

"Nikki, shut up. Lily's a friend, we watch TV together, ok? Not that it's any of your business." Nikki made a long face.

"We watch TV together," Lily croaked. "I've seen your pictures on the wall. It's nice to meet you ...under better circumstances ..." Lily's voice trailed off and her head collapsed back into her hands.

"It's good to see you haven't lost your touch with the ladies, Alex."

"Oh, fuck up. What do you want?"

"Settle down," Nikki sipped at her coffee. "Actually, I have something for you." She dug into her bag and drew out a small box.

"What is it?"

"It's a birthday gift from all of us. Garret and Chloe and me that is. I know it's late but... Anyway, open it later, it's nothing much."

"You don't give me birthday gifts," Alex frowned.

"Alright, it's from Chloe. You should talk to her more often, she's your god daughter, try to be more involved, Alex. But we need to talk properly. Can we have lunch on Tuesday? It's about Hen."

"Fine. Tuesday. One, in my phone. What's up with him this time?"

"Um," Nikki nodded questioningly in Lily's direction and Alex waved a dismissive hand. "He needs to check back into hospital. We need to convince him. An intervention if you will. We'll talk about it on Tuesday, I'll bring Luke. I wouldn't involve you but Hen listens to you more than either of us."

"Oh come on, Nikki, not this shit again." Alex shook her head. "You need to stop interfering, it's his life."

"Don't you even care?"

"Not really. It's not my business. It's not yours either, you should leave him alone, he's a grown man."

"You'll care if he ends up dead in a ditch somewhere. Please, just help us."

Alex nodded reluctantly. "Okay, we'll figure it out."

"Good. Okay, I'll leave you two girls to it then," she smiled brightly and Alex scowled at her and locked the door as she left.

Lily was still looking poorly at the table. "Hey, you okay?" She lifted her head.

"Mm, I will be. What was that about?"

"My brother, Henry. He must be getting into the pills again. Must be bad if Nikki's asking me for help, she literally never comes here. Do you want something to eat or a shower?"

Lily crept back onto the sofa and lapsed back into unconsciousness.

Alex was watching a live stream of the local news when she realized Lily was awake and watching her. It was 2pm, Lily had slept for three hours and she looked substantially better than she had this morning. Alex smiled self-consciously.

"What are you looking at?"

"You." Lily stretched. "I must have made a terrible impression on your sister this morning."

"Who cares what she thinks... Don't worry about it."

"I did notice you seemed pretty frosty with her. What's up with that?"

"Just dumb family stuff, it's not important." She gestured at the TV. "There's been a terrorist bombing in London. You feeling better?"

"Much. Thanks for letting me sleep. I should get going."

"Come into the kitchen first, there's fruit and yogurt. It's becoming embarrassing that I only ever feed you alcohol and smoke when you're here."

Lily sat at the table and chewed studiously.

"Your sister, Nikki?" Lily said smirking.

"Mm?"

"She thought we were together... She knows you like women?"

"I told you, I don't lie about it. She met my ex-girlfriend. She hit on her."

"What?! She likes women too?"

"No. She just always wants what other people have. She tried to get Michael into bed too. Nasty habit."

"God. No wonder things are weird between you."

"It's probably why she was so interested in you. Fucked up family I've got."

"Yeah," Lily was chuckling into her bowl. "So, if we were together, she'd try it on with me?"

"She's married now but it wouldn't surprise me at all, if she managed to get you in the right situation. Make no mistake, there's a bloody good reason I keep away from my brothers and sisters."

"Crazy, and yet strangely fascinating. I wish I had some. That's the first time you've mentioned an ex-girlfriend..."

Alex picked up a piece of apple and bit into it but Lily was her usual unwaveringly attentive self.

"I don't talk about it. It ended badly."

"How's that?"

"She refused to be open about us being together and that really hurt. Six months after we stopped seeing each other she was dead. An overdose apparently."

"Fuck. I'm sorry. Things are starting to make sense. Was it accidental?"

"I don't know, I never wanted to know," Alex shrugged, trying hard not to think about what she was saying. "I heard about it not long after my Dad died and I was already hanging on by a thread, the news just pushed me over the edge. I deleted all my social media and email accounts, changed my number, went off the grid totally. Doesn't matter anymore, it's in the past." Alex looked out the window and pondered how to change the subject.

"I'm leaving for Rome on Thursday," Lily said, making it easy for her.

"I'm a little jealous."

"I don't even want to go. It's for Jacob."

"You've been there before, I take it?"

"Actually I haven't. Frances moved there for a new job only a few months ago."

"You're not interested in seeing Rome? God, Lily! It'll be great."

"Yeah," Lily smiled. "Yeah, maybe it will be. I'm going to miss spending Saturday with you though."

"Rome versus TV with me. Mm, you're right, it's a damn tragedy," Alex laughed. "Relax, enjoy yourself. Imagine how many people would kill to be in your position."

*

It was the final day of Lily's visit to Frances' in Rome and she was lying next to her on a lounger watching Jacob play with Ben's dog in the pool. Lily was relieved that the trip hadn't been nearly as bad as she thought it would be and she'd ended up having to spend little time with Frances and her husband, mainly shopping and visiting museums and tourist sites with Jacob who had thoroughly enjoyed himself.

"He's happy," Frances commented on Jacob's antics. "I'm sorry I've had to work so much, we haven't really had a decent chance to talk. I wish you would stay a bit longer, I have the weekend off."

"I need to be back tomorrow night. I have plans for Sunday." Lily was distracted, it was late on Friday afternoon and she had been texting back and forth with Alex for the past half hour. She was trying to organize for Alex to come to visit her at the house on Sunday but Alex kept diverting her with taunts on how she should appreciate her lifestyle more.

"Can't you put that damn phone away for five minutes and talk properly to me?" Frances was angry. Lily sighed and put her phone down.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Well, we can start with how Jacob's schooling is going? Have you had good reports?"

"Yes. You know how much better he's been since he stopped boarding. Frank should never have enrolled him in that stupid school in the first place, he likes the new one. I speak to his teachers regularly, there are no problems. On the contrary, he's a good student, with high scores in all subjects. He shows a particular aptitude for computer science and all of them say he's polite and well behaved but we both know that already."

"But?"

"He's still having some trouble making friends. He's not being bullied anymore, the other boys like him and he communicates with them easily on a superficial level but he does not seem to want to form any close alliances," Lily observed Frances' frown. "I don't perceive this to be a real problem, it's understandable given his past. He doesn't trust people and for good reason, personally I think he'll grow out of it. You've seen how much he's improved over the last two years."

"He has. I'm amazed. You're doing a good job with him, Lily. Frank would be pleased."

"Frank wouldn't give a toss."

"Mm," Frances nodded. "Is he still going to the counselling sessions?"

"Of course."

"And?"

"And nothing. What he talks about there is his business. Obviously if there were any real problems I'd be told but he seems to like Dr. Farber, and whatever it is they discuss he is clearly benefitting from it. He's a smart boy, Frances. He's finally talking about his issues and starting to understand himself properly. Are you really worried about him?"

"No," Frances admitted. "I'm not. I do like to be kept in the loop though. I wish you'd update me more often. I love him too, you know."

"Yeah, sorry. My mind has just been elsewhere lately."

"Are you going to elaborate? What's going on? You can't seem to leave your phone alone and you get this weird look on your face every time a text comes through."

"Jacob's cat got pneumonia a few weeks ago and I took it to the animal surgery. The veterinary doctor there was really lovely, we've become close. Her name is Alex, she's who I've been texting. She's going to help me set up an entertainment center in the house."

"So you made a friend. That's nice and frankly a little shocking knowing how misanthropic you are."

"You wouldn't understand."

"I understand that this is the first time in over six months I've had the chance to spend time with my nephew and for some strange reason you refuse to extend the trip by just a few more days."

"Don't get bitchy, Frances. I'm only sticking to the original plan. We can come back next school holidays, or how about you visit us for a change..."

"Please, with my work schedule. It just gets to me ...and I know it's only because you really don't want to be here so stop trying to imply that it's because of some new friend."

"She's not just a friend!" Lily said it louder than she meant to and the other woman peered over at her looking like she'd just been slapped in the face.

"Oh... Oh. Now it makes sense. I didn't realize."

"No, of course you didn't. Everyone just expects me to fall in with their own plans. Why can't I have something I want for a change, after so many years with your asshole brother?"

Frances leaned over and squeezed her shoulder.

"You can, Lily. You're right, I just didn't know. I'm sorry I still think of you as that meek, pathetic thing constantly in Frank's shadow. So, what, you're sleeping with this woman?"

"No," Lily frowned in confusion. "We've been spending a lot of time together and the more time I spend with her the stronger my feelings get. It's difficult though, she's wary ...guarded. She's been hurt and her defense mechanisms are in overdrive."

"I never really imagined you with anyone else again, let alone a woman. I suppose it figures though."

"It's not like that, okay, we have a connection. But yes, my feelings for her are very physical. She's just so stunning in this really aloof way. It's powerful and completely irresistible, I want to be close to her all the time."

"Calm down, you're in company. Look at you, you're practically drooling."

"I am not. Anyway, it's not just physical. She's smart and sensitive and she gets me. I never thought I'd want anyone like this either, but she makes me feel like a real person, safe and so damn happy."

"You deserve it. Just be careful, okay?"

"You would understand if you met her. She's not from this world."

"Wow, you really are smitten."

"No, I mean, she's not from this world. Franks world, your world."

"Very few people are. Does she know how much money you've got?"

"Come on, Frances," Lily rolled her eyes. "I don't know how much money I've got."

"I just mean someone in your position needs to be careful who you open yourself up to."

"No, she knows nothing about the money. She's not materialistic, she carries what's important inside her soul. She's pure."

"Oh wake up, darling. Sleep with her and get it out of your system."

"Don't be so crass, Frances. Shit, sometimes I forget why I avoid telling you things."

"How very fitting. You're in control of millions and you're actually falling for someone who doesn't care."

"This may come as a surprise to you but I don't care either. It is blood money and you know it. So please don't belittle my feelings for Alex." Lily was indignant, she found Frances' suggestion that Alex was after her money unacceptable. "I'm going for a drive."

"No, wait." Frances put out a hand and stopped her. "I'm sorry, stay. I know I can be difficult sometimes but only out of concern. I do trust your intuition about people, my brother not included." Lily couldn't see her eyes behind her sunglasses but could feel them regarding her closely. "You've changed, Lily."

"Don't say that," Lily said, averting her gaze.

"I'm not making a negative implication about Frank here. I'm saying that whatever new influences you have in your life are obviously having a good effect on you. This friend, she's making you stronger."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"Yes." Frances nodded and returned her gaze to the pool. "You haven't told her about Frank, have you?"

"No," Lily winced. "Sometimes I really want to."

"Lily," Frances sighed heavily. "Look, you can leave whenever you want. You are not a prisoner anymore and I didn't mean to make you feel that way. But you should figure out what you're doing or stop this in its tracks. You say this woman is pure and doesn't understand your situation fully. Maybe you should leave her alone, if you really care for her."

"Why? I'm not a bad person, she's in no danger. You couldn't possibly comprehend what this is like for me, you haven't lived the way I have. I do know what I'm doing, like you said I'm not Frank's meek, pathetic wife anymore. Frank's gone and surprisingly he didn't take me with him. It's time for me to move on. Anyway, Alex doesn't give a damn about the past, her concerns lie in the present. She's not intrusive and she's a lot stronger than she thinks she is, I see that. I can't leave her alone, I'm fucking in love with her, Frances. Even if she doesn't feel the same about me it isn't something I can just stop."

"Okay, I understand. But if you're thinking of trusting this woman with..."

"Alex, her name is Alex," Lily interjected angrily.

"If you're thinking of trusting Alex with certain truths, I'd like to judge for myself whether it's a good idea or not. You and I, Lily, we're still family. And now our bond is a lot stronger than simple marriage."

"If it came to that, I'd bring her here in a heartbeat."

"Good. In the meantime, be very careful. My reputation is on the line as well as yours."

"I'm well aware of what's at stake," Lily said tight lipped.

"So this Alex, you don't think she feels the same about you?"

"Sometimes... Sometimes I'm so sure that she does. Her expressions, she looks at me like I'm the only one in the world that matters and it makes me want to just grab her and ...fuck, I don't know what I'm saying." She turned to Frances seriously. "Alright. If you were in my position, if you were available, if you could feel yourself falling hopelessly in love with someone, what would you do? And no snarky comments."

"In that position, I would be honest with her. You've been lonely and maybe you are only seeing what you want to see, but if your feelings are that strong you should trust your intuition. You are a very attractive woman, Lily. Hell, if I were 20 years younger I might even do you. You should tell her how you feel, in one way or another."

"She's important to me, I don't want to lose her friendship."

"So she's the type of person who would dismiss you as a friend if you tried to kiss her?"

"Ah ...actually," Lily smiled to herself as she thought about it. "No, she really isn't."

"What's that look for? You have kissed her?"

"It was back not long after we first met, it was ...oh God, the most awesome thing ever. But she touched my neck ...not in a bad way but I flinched automatically, I pulled away. I'm so stupid."

"It's not stupid. You've got baggage, you should feel comfortable telling her that. I'm really sorry."

"I think about it a lot. How soft it felt. How perfect..." Frances watched as Lily ran her fingers over her lips seemingly lost in her day dream.

"Oh, Lily, honey, what is it with you young people today? You really should have screwed her by now."

"I'm trying to tell you this isn't about sex."

"That's not the message I'm getting. Have you ever been with a woman before?"

"Of course not. Why, have you?"

"I used to be wild. What does 'of course not' mean? Are you afraid?"

"Talking about it now, yes, I am. But when I'm with her I'm not, she just does something to me that makes me feel okay."

"They're called hormones. You should just do it, at least you'll know then and you can stop speculating. If you're so worried about telling your friend then screw someone else, another woman if you feel the need. You so obviously need sex."

"I don't want anyone else. I want Alex."

"So there's your answer."

Silence lapsed while they continued watching Jacob in the pool and Lily's thoughts flooded with images of Alex but the idea of telling her how she felt filled her with anxiety.

"At least you've enlightened me a bit as to what's going on with you," Frances sighed. "How is everything else? I haven't seen you have a panic attack since you've been here. Have they stopped?"

"Almost completely. And before you ask, no, I'm not still using Ativan. I don't need it anymore."

"I'm glad." Frances got up and began clearing their cups from the table. "Well, if you're going to be leaving first thing we should take Jacob out for a decent meal tonight. I'll book a table and call Ben."

When Frances dropped her and Jacob off at the airport early the following morning she gave Lily a brief hug goodbye, which was surprising; Frances wasn't usually an affectionate type of person.

"Thank you for the visit, it's been good." Frances smiled at her and leaning closer to Lily's ear whispered, "She really must be special to be doing this to you. Be careful though, remember what I said."

Her words rung in Lily's ear all through the flight home.

Chapter 4

Lily had texted Alex her address and insisted that she come to see her the Sunday after she arrived back in town and Alex was very interested to see where it was that Lily lived for once. But it wasn't just that; after a month of spending her Saturdays with Lily, the last two without her had felt wrong. Alex was surprised and a little worried about how easily she had allowed Lily to insert herself into her life and into her head but she was unable to suppress the anticipation of seeing her again.

Whoa, she thought as she drove through the gates to the address Lily had sent her. She doesn't need me to figure out her technology, this speaks of money beyond measure.

She frowned, just how rich had this Frank guy been? She pulled up in the courtyard at the front of the house. Lily was coming outside to greet her and Alex felt a tug in her chest at the sight of her.

"Is it okay to park here?" she called through the window.

"Yes. You made it," Lily hugged her a little too tightly and kissed her on the cheek when Alex climbed out of the car. "It's so good to see you. I didn't know you drove."

"I keep the car locked in my buildings garage, the city traffic annoys me too much. It's mostly just for road trips." Alex said staring around her in awe. "This place is incredible. Is this all yours?"

"Bought and paid for," Lily said grimly. "I told you Frank had money."

"I guess I underestimated how much."

"Have you had lunch? Are you hungry?"

"No, I've eaten, thanks. But Lily, I've never been in a place like this before. Will you show me around?"

They started in the grounds behind the house which seemed to be Lily's favorite area. Pools, tennis courts, and several buildings separate from the main house. Alex was overwhelmed and was having to make a real effort not to feel intimidated by the whole set-up. Lily showed her inside one of the smaller buildings that she appeared to have commandeered as her own private space. Alex was fascinated, the open plan room was piled high with books. She studied some of the covers; historical novels, biographies, obscure literature, but also titles like Quantum Evolution. It hit her then how little Lily had really told her about what went on inside her head, or more to the point, how little Alex had asked her. She had fully clicked on to the fact that Lily was knowledgeable but possibly hadn't appreciated to what extent. She wasn't exactly a neat person, desks and tables were strewn with folders and papers. Alex picked up a loose sheet from a desk and read the tiny, handwritten print.

"What is this, Lily?" Lily, momentarily distracted by flicking snowflakes from her hair rushed over and snatched the paper from Alex looking embarrassed. She tucked it under a book. "What was that?"

"Just a stupid poem."

"Did you write that? It was beautiful, you never told me you wrote."

"I don't. I just mess around." Alex let it drop but she stored it away to bring up again some time when Lily wasn't so tense.

The gardens were extensive and Lily pointed out landmarks here and there, but most of it was covered in a thick blanket of snow and they soon headed back into the house to shake the cold from their numb bodies. In a large room toward the back a fire crackled and they warmed their hands before it. Lily still seemed subdued since the writing thing and Alex was confused, from what she could see Lily had talent she should not be embarrassed by.

"It must be weird coming back to these temperatures after a week in Rome."

"It was pretty warm there. Thanks to you I think I enjoyed it more than I might have."

"Thanks to me?"

"What you said about relaxing and enjoying an opportunity others might kill for. I think you knocked some sense into me. It's a beautiful city," Lily studied Alex, "and things between Frances and I weren't quite as strained as I had anticipated."

"I'm glad," Alex nodded. "This place is amazing but I can see what you mean about it being lonely. So much space, so few people."

Lily showed her dimples then and Alex's heart melted.

"Come and meet Jacob." Alex followed her up a large spiraling staircase. She knocked on a door and Alex smiled as a small voice rang out from behind it.

"That you, Lily? Come in."

A small, dark haired boy squinted at them from behind an enormous computer screen in a room decorated with archaeological posters and paraphernalia.

"Jacob, I want you to meet someone. This is Alex, she's the vet who took such good care of Stone-age." The boy ambled across the room and held a tiny hand out to shake Alex's in a business-like fashion.

"Lily never brought anyone here before. It's nice to meet you. Thanks for fixing my cat," he said in a low but confident tone.

"Hi Jacob. I've heard a bit about you, it's good to meet you finally," she gestured around the room. "I see you're an archaeologist. I was kind of wondering where the name Stone-age came from. How is he?"

"See for yourself." He pointed towards the bed, at the center of which sprawled Stone-age purring contentedly. "Lazy. Back to eating too much. Typical feline." Alex chuckled, the boy was serious for one so young, but he seemed intelligent and kind and Alex took to him immediately.

"What are you up to? Nice computer by the way. Is that Counter Strike?"

"Yeah. Global Offensive. You play?"

"I've been known to. On occasion."

"Uh," Lily interrupted from the doorway. "Come on, Alex. I'll show you the rest of the house."

"Lily..." Jacob said gruffly, flopping down into his chair.

"If you get her started playing she'll be in here all day. Where's Lucy?"

"Dunno. She's lurking. Come play with me sometime?" he asked Alex as she followed Lily out. "My handle is RudeUnicorn61." Alex grinned at him.

"Honestly," Lily said when they were back in the hallway, "if he gets you playing you could be in there for days at a stretch. Trust me, I know."

"He's a cute kid, sharp. Pretty small for his age though."

"He makes up for it with his personality. It is weird how unlike his father he is, I guess he takes after his mother. Come, I'll show you the room I thought we could use for the entertainment center."

Lily led her into a spacious, mostly empty room lined with wood-paneled cabinets.

"This used to be filled with Franks junk. Jacob and Lucy cleared it out one day without telling me. I didn't feel it was my place to get rid of all reminders of his father so I was glad he took the initiative."

"Wouldn't it be better to use a downstairs room?"

"This room has no windows and is completely sound-proofed. It wouldn't ever be necessary to use headphones in here, I thought that might be useful."

"Sure. It could be made comfortable I suppose. But Lily, you don't need me for this. You obviously have enough money to get someone in and deck you out. Even Jacob seems tech savvy enough to help you."

"True. But it was your place that put the thought into my head. Anyway, I wanted to see you, to get you to visit, it was a good excuse. Besides, I hate the idea of some know-it-all little shit rep coming in here and conning me into buying a bunch of crap I don't need then smirking about it behind my back."

Alex smiled in amusement.

"Understandable. So, what's your budget?"

"There isn't one really. There is a limit to what Jacob and I could possibly need. Big screen, good surround sound, control at my finger-tips. Jacob could give you the low-down on what games and controllers he would want. I'm not really interested in stretching boundaries that shouldn't be stretched at our, let's face it, limited technological abilities."

"Are you sure? There is some pretty amazing stuff available now."

"What kind of life-span does that have?"

"Point taken. Just the basics then, but with an unlimited budget you can get some pretty awesome basics." Alex looked around the room again with a whole new image in her head. "I can help you buy the right stuff and hook it all up."

"And you can explain to me what you're doing so that I don't have to call technical support every time something goes awry?"

"Of course," Alex smiled at her in mirth. "You know what you want. That's cool. We can do it together, I'll probably need to learn at the same time. Some of the stuff I'm thinking of is pretty new to me too. Just basics, but basics with a level of control beyond what I've ever known. Anyway, I'll explain to you what I know when we're looking at stuff and if you think it's beyond what you want you only need to say."

"Awesome. When can we start?"

"Next weekend? We'll hit the stores. Jacob should come too."

"Perfect," Lily grinned and Alex fingered one of the cabinet knobs curiously.

"What are these for?" she asked.

"Take a look," Lily opened a tiny panel just inside the door and keyed a code into a pad. "We can move them if necessary." Alex pulled one of the cabinets open with a pop.

"Holy shit!" The cabinet had guns in it, held in place against the back by toggles. Sleek, shiny, dangerous looking things. "Why the hell do you have these? Do you have a license for these?"

"They were Franks," Lily admitted. "He taught me how to use them and yes, he made me get a license. I thought about getting rid of them but decided I kind of like them." She watched as Alex studied the objects, running a finger over a hard, metal surface.

"This is intense."

"Here," Lily pulled one of the guns from its position and held it out to Alex.

"No ...no, no. Not me, I don't know how to handle a gun." She watched as Lily removed the magazine and then slammed it back up into the chamber and pulled the slide back.

"They aren't loaded. I could teach you how to shoot if you want. You have no idea how good it feels to fire one. It's how I cope with my anger issues and I bet you'd love it. I've heard the music you listen to." She handled the gun like an expert and Alex was surprisingly turned on watching her with it.

"Pretty bad ass, aren't you?"

"That is the general idea."

A loud dong suddenly pierced the silence of the building and Lily hastily put the gun back into its position, closed the cabinet and rushed out to the hallway to peer through the curtains toward the front of the house.

"Shit," Lily said, an expression of panic on her face.

"What is it?"

"It's my neighbor. What does the hell does he want?" Lily mumbled to herself and Alex chuckled. Lily's frantic response reminded Alex of how she felt when her own doorbell screeched.

"So? Aren't you going to go see?"

"No ...no, Lucy will get it. He probably just wants to talk to her about the garden ...or something."

"Lily!" Jacobs shout carried up the stairs.

"Damn it!" Lily looked at Alex as if she needed rescuing. "He can't possibly want anything important." She headed down the stairs and Alex, unsure what to do, followed her. Jacob stood in the archway to the large front room and Lily asked "Where's Lucy?" as she entered. A tall man in his late thirties dressed in an expensive suit stood by the window and turned to greet Lily with his arms stretched out.

"Lily! How are you, my lovely?" He grasped her by both hands and Alex was amused to see Lily did not return his obvious pleasure at seeing her.

"Fine, David. Just fine," she said tight lipped and pulling her hands from his she looked pointedly in Alex's direction. "Alex, this is David Harrison. He's at number 15. David, Alex."

"A friend, Lily? Who knew?" The man grasped Alex's hands in the same way he'd grasped Lily's. "Pleasure to meet you, Alexandra!"

This guy's full on, Alex thought smiling and mumbling in agreement. Lily still looked uncomfortable and Alex didn't want to encourage him.

"What do you want, David?" Lily asked bluntly and Alex had to stifle a laugh. An expression of mock hurt crossed the man's face but his wide smile quickly returned.

"I stopped by last week and Lucy informed me you were in Rome, I trust you had a pleasant trip. But there was indeed a purpose to my visit, the opening at the Centinal is Wednesday, you must come with me!" He pointed a finger at her. "Lily's been promising to come to one of my art openings ever since my divorce came through," he said conspiratorially to Alex.

"I made no such promise!" Lily was flabbergasted.

"Tsk, tsk, Lily," he said, still a mask of fortitude. "One of these days I'll wear you down." Jacob who had been watching from the archway stepped forward and sidled up to David. "Jacob agrees with me. Tell your stepmother it's about time she started dating again."

"I don't think so. Come out the front with me, I want to show you the new plantings." Jacob pulled him towards the front door then pushed him through it when he tried to return to his post at Lily's side. Smart little fucker, Alex thought, smiling whimsically. She looked back at Lily but Lily was stalking away toward the kitchen. She watched as she poured herself a glass of soda from the fridge and sipped at it.

"He seems to like you a lot."

"Shameless flirt. Always bothering me. I don't understand it."

"You don't understand it?" Alex laughed, but Lily still seemed livid. "He seems okay. Not bad looking, more to your age group than Frank was. A bit fake maybe, but what successful male isn't? I take it he's successful if he lives around here and he's inviting you to art openings."

"He owns several galleries," Lily admitted reluctantly.

"What's the problem? Maybe he's even a decent shag," Alex was trying unsuccessfully to lighten the mood. Lily shot her a disgusted look. "He's right about one thing, maybe you should get back out there."

"I don't need anyone telling me what I should or should not be doing."

"Okay, okay. But it's just sex, you don't need to be so uptight about it."

"Damn it, Alex! I don't want fucking David, I want you!"

The outburst took Alex by surprise and she inadvertently dropped her jaw. She looked at Lily and Lily looked down at her glass, her brow creased, her shoulders hunched. She looked braced for a verbal punch.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"You didn't mean it?" Alex asked softly.

"I meant it. But I shouldn't have said it that way ...in anger."

"Lily?" Alex took a couple of steps towards her. "How should you have said it?"

Lily took a deep breath and met her eyes then. "Don't you know how crazy you make me? Ever since I met you it was like a light went on. And then I was sure I'd screwed everything up that day at the restaurant because ...because I don't know how to do this. I've only ever been with Frank and he never made me feel this way. But I can't stop thinking about it, in the restroom, how it felt to have you close, your lips. I can't think about anything else," she paused, taking a lungful of air. "But you are so distant. I didn't know how to bring it up with you, or if you would even feel the same."

Alex approached her and cupped her face in her hands. Lily's blue eyes were wide and so beautiful. Alex kissed her gently. "I feel the same," she said and leaned her forehead against Lily's. But Lily pulled her lips back against her own. Her kiss was urgent, insistent, her tongue pushing inside Alex's mouth. Her skin smelt like coconut and her mouth tasted of ginger beer and Alex felt heat spread through her body. There was desperation in the way her hands grasped the back of Alex's neck then dropped down to her waist and pulled her close.

"Ahem," a small voice cleared its throat from the doorway and they pulled apart swiftly.

"Jacob, Jesus!" Lily's face was flushed, her breathing labored.

"So sorry, didn't mean to interrupt," the boy smiled placidly at them. "But David's still outside, he won't leave until he talks to you again, Lil."

"For God's sake!" She looked at Alex. "Wait here? I'll just be a minute." Alex nodded and watched her leave with a determined expression. "Please, be nice," she added quietly to Jacob as she passed him.

"So," Jacob climbed aboard a bar stool and folded his hands on the counter, "what are your intentions with my stepmother?"

"Um, I'm sorry you saw that?" she ventured. Jacob was unperturbed and giggled slightly at Alex's discomfort.

"Why? I'm 11 and it doesn't bother me, if that's what you're thinking." He picked up Lily's glass and swirled it. "It's about time, if you ask me. I was wondering why she'd been so happy lately. Now I know." His face was a mask of pointed sincerity and Alex couldn't help but be impressed. "Just don't hurt her ...my father hurt her."

"She's not just the evil stepmother then?"

"Lily? Evil? That's funny. Dad was evil ...Lil just, I don't know. But she was there when no one else was. She protected me. Didn't she tell you what an asshole my father was?"

"She didn't go into much detail about it. I didn't want to ask."

"Probably for the best." He nodded, business-like. "I'm glad you're here... Alex, the vet." And with that he abruptly left the kitchen and Alex heard his fast footsteps as he ran back up the stairs.

Alex turned and stared out of the kitchen windows, unseeing. All her insecurities came flooding back to her now she was alone. What if I do hurt her? She's too good for me, I so don't belong in this place. What the hell am I doing? I should get out of here, like now.

But then she felt Lily come up behind her and put her hands around her waist, kissing the back of her neck. And God it felt good.

"I'm so happy you're here. Your skin is exquisite." Alex turned around and Lily continued kissing her throat.

"Lily, I ..." Lily pulled away and looked at her questioningly. Then she laughed, self-conscious, and stepped back, her arms up in surrender.

"Sorry, I got carried away. I shouldn't be trying to rush you."

"It's not that. The man in your life questioned me about my intentions with you."

"Jacob?"

"He cares about you. I don't want to hurt you, Lily." Lily frowned. "And I don't want you to hurt me. But I'm not sure I belong in your world."

"Come with me," Lily took her by the hand and led her again to the building at the back of the house which was her own. She shifted some books off an old fashioned velvet sofa and sat Alex down then sat down very close to her.

"When I was young, before I met Frank," she began seriously, "there were moments when I thought that I might like other girls. I suppressed them so quickly, I was good at doing that."

"You were scared?" Alex asked, genuinely interested to hear Lily finally talk about herself.

"It really didn't have much to do with homophobia specifically. It was more about me just repressing any feelings I had about anything. I remember you once saying that you weren't very good with strong feelings, and that rung a big bell in my head. It's one of the reasons why I thought you might be the same personality type as me and I was right. But I think I had more reason to repress my feelings than even genetics dictated. I was raised by parents who took advantage in a bad way of any emotional vulnerability. I learned to hide them quickly as a result."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Lily smiled. "It's over now, that's what I'm trying to say."

"So... Was there anyone in particular you liked back then?" Alex asked, smiling back.

"Oh no, I never gave myself the chance to explore those feelings properly." Her expression turned shy suddenly. "What were you like when you were younger?" she asked.

"I had a lot of piercings and a tendency to keep my hair bright red," Alex said and Lily leaned towards her, studying her face closely.

"What piercings?" she asked and Alex pointed to various parts of her face. "There are no marks. Not a single blemish."

"The miracle of make-up. And a lot of them I didn't keep in for very long. The eye-brow, tongue and navel I did, but not the ones in my cheeks or more sensitive areas." Lily continued staring at her closely.

"What's your birthdate?"

"17th November, 1990."

"You're more than a full year younger than me," Lily said, looking surprised.

"I look older?"

"No, but you've accomplished so much more than me." Lily paused thoughtfully. "Were you serious? When you kissed me?" she asked.

"Didn't it feel serious?" Alex looked into her eyes.

"Then would you come out with me? Like on a proper date?"

"A proper date?" Alex laughed nervously. "How do you define that? Are you just trying to get me into bed?"

"Well, yes, but I also want to show you something."

"What's that?"

"That I'm not afraid of being in public with you. That I would love it. Don't you think we'd make a very cute couple?"

Alex put her face so close to Lily's the tips of their noses were almost touching. "Tell me more about yourself," she challenged. Lily showed her dimples and stood up. She gestured around the academic mess of a room.

"This is where I've spent the last few years of my life, for the most part. This is my world. Sad, but true. I've lived vicariously through reading about other people's lives. Historical figures yes, but when you read as many biographies as I've done you end up discovering lives that weren't very famous as well. Lives that few knew about but were incredible. I like those ones the best, stumbling on a life which was so much stranger and more interesting than any fictional character could be just because it actually happened. It's as if for years I've been disassociated from my body, locked inside my head. I see the brain as a portal to any spot in the universe, a very real gateway to other dimensions through which you can access any spatial and temporal parameters. But now I find myself wanting to live a life of my own, to re-join the world, to take part. Not only that but I also find that I'm actually free to do so. Free. It's been such a strange, foreign concept to me for so long." She studied Alex as she stood leaning against a desk. "I think about you, Alex. Having seen your family pictures I know now where you get your interesting mix of features from. The blond hair from your mother, with a hint of your father's red -I was so sure it was unnatural at first. Your mother was unusual looking for a Spaniard; dark blond hair, dark blue eyes, there must be some Nordic blood there, I think. The brown eyes have skipped a generation, you were luckier than the others, your brothers and one of your sisters -your eyes are stunning. Is that why you're so concerned about taking after your mother's mother? You realize, don't you, that the genes responsible for eye color and schizophrenia are not even located on the same chromosomes? Your father, you say, was of a very different temperament than your mother or any of you children, which means that the Spanish passion runs strong in the blood. But I think that people recognize passion far too much while ignoring the quiet stoicism of your father which is also in you. I see that. You've always reminded me strongly of the phrase 'still waters run deep'. I can only imagine how powerful the attraction must have been between your mother and father, to have created six such beautiful children, stayed together so long despite the turmoil and then with your father giving up his fight only after your mother was gone; that's a love story and a half. You're a love child, it's beautiful."

"I ask you to tell me about yourself and you tell me about me," Alex chuckled. "You once told me you feel useless sometimes, but you are so smart. The fact that you learned all this stuff without formal training speaks volumes for your ability and intelligence. Just because you have money doesn't mean you couldn't do something with yourself. Doesn't the idea appeal to you?"

Lily smiled mysteriously. "Do you like my messy world, Alex? Lucy never comes in here. No one else ever comes in here."

"Really..." Alex swallowed and wet her lips. "Yes, I like it," she said softly.

"When I kissed you at the restaurant, it felt so right. You kissed me back, do you remember?"

"I remember."

"I thought that I must have scared you off after that because I reacted badly. I know you believed I was confused but I'm telling you I've never been surer of anything in my life. It is you that I want, and only you. I see the way you look at me sometimes, it drives me crazy to have you look at me like that and not be able to do anything about it. I've missed you so much being away, it sounds stupid, I know, since we only see each other once a week, but just knowing you're in the same city..."

"I missed you too."

"I won't touch you unless you want me to. But you can't control my thoughts. Hell, I can't control my thoughts. And I think about you."

"What do you think about?"

"They're dirty thoughts, Alex. I've never felt so dirty or horny in all my life. God, I have filthy fantasies about you. I thought my organs were dead. Alex, Alex, Alex, you have no idea what you've done to me." Lily's stance was so provocative, leaning against the desk, touching her neck. "Thinking about you gets me so wet without even moving, without even looking at you."

Alex was breathing heavily, hanging on Lily's every word, furiously trying to stop herself from wriggling in her seat. "You're teasing me. You're passive aggressive," she whispered huskily.

"Not much different from you then, am I?"

"What do you want?"

"This. I want this. I can see desire in your eyes. Such passion, and yet you still don't touch me. You're well trained. You enjoy it, don't you? It's foreplay for you. But I wonder how much you can take. You're squirming and I can see your lip trembling. What do you want, Alex?"

"I'm a woman as well."

"I'm so very aware of that."

"I want you to take me," Alex said and Lily tilted her head curiously at her.

"Come here," she said and Alex went to stand in front of her but still did not reach for her.

"What do you do in your filthy fantasies? What I want is to feel you inside me and to be inside you. Do you want me to touch you?" Lily nodded slowly, her eyes glued to Alex burning with lust, but she appeared to have lost her ability to speak for now, her chest heaving. Alex unbuttoned her shirt and ran her hands down Lily's breasts. She could feel her nipples straining against the fabric of her bra.

"Do that again," she said and Alex reached around to unhook and slip her bra off. Goosebumps covered her skin and her nipples were hard as pebbles. Lily's heavy breathing turned to gasping when Alex took them in her hands and began rubbing them, pinching them. They kissed, it was hot and wet and full of passion.

"You're shaking. Should I stop?"

"Don't you dare. I need you so bad," Lily whispered and Alex knelt down on the rug in front of her drinking in her beautiful body. She unbuttoned her jeans and peeled them off her and keeping her eyes on Lily's she rubbed her hands slowly up and down the inside of the smooth skin of her thighs, fascinated by the effect her touch was having on Lily.

"Now look who's squirming." Alex took her hands away and leaned back on her haunches. "Don't you want me?"

"God, yes," Lily breathed.

"Then show me. I'm right here. You can have me."

Lily lost her inhibitions and launched herself at Alex, pinning her down and straddling her, she searched Alex's eyes with her own. "I've wanted this for so long. Is it really happening?"

"I'm yours, you can do anything to me. I want you to do what you want, I trust you." Alex said. She lay still and let Lily undress her, kiss her, and explore her body with her lips, her hands. Her mouth was eager, hungry and as she explored she ground herself against Alex's leg. She was trembling, panting and Alex could feel the wet, creamy evidence of her arousal against her skin. She took Alex's hand off her breast and guided it between her legs and Alex sunk her fingers inside Lily's silky folds. She watched her shudder and moan as she bucked against Alex's hand; it was fast, vigorous. Alex was so turned on by how highly sexed Lily was it was hard for her to remain submissive. When she pulled backward to stare down at Alex, her face flushed, sweat beading her clavicle, her writhing form was so perfectly beautiful.

"You are gorgeous," Alex told her and then she felt Lily clamp down on her so hard she thought her fingers might snap. Alex kept pressure on her hard nub and milked the orgasm for all it was worth. It was like a volcano erupting, years of pent up sexual energy exploding in a prolonged rhythmic dance. When her shudders subsided she collapsed on the rug beside Alex and wrapped her arms tightly around her, skin damp. Alex kissed her and held her while her breathing slowed back to normal pace.

"No one's ever done that to me before. No one's ever made me come," Lily whispered, her lips against Alex's neck.

"It's shocking. It's a true privilege, even though I didn't actually do much."

"But you did." Lily nuzzled her. "You show incredible restraint though. Why?"

"I wanted you to have complete control."

"Why?"

"Because it seems like you had bad experiences with sex before. Because it seems like it had been taken from you without you having any control. And also because it felt really good." And it had, Alex was in the grip of the after-glow of a phantom orgasm from witnessing Lily's.

"Thank you," Lily's eyes pricked with tears and she tightened her grip around Alex.

"I probably enjoyed it more than you did," Alex said, kissing her.

"Impossible." Lily ran her hands down Alex's breasts, stomach. "Your body is perfect."

"That's rich coming from you. Have you looked in the mirror lately?"

Lily gave her a wicked smile. "Do I still have control?"

"For as long as you want."

"I'm just going to..." Lily pushed her hand inside Alex's pants, the only garment she still hadn't removed and rubbed her.

"Oh my God, you're completely smooth! And soaking."

"What do you expect?" A shock of electricity went through her at Lily's touch.

"That is so hot. I want to taste you." Lily slid her pants off and knelt between her legs inspecting her then dipped her head down.

"Oh, Lily, I really don't think ...oh ...oh my. I thought you'd never done this before." Lily pulled back and looked up at her with open hunger.

"I've done it a thousand times in my head." The sensation was unexpectedly powerful and Alex arched her back as Lily's tongue danced over her most intimate area. She put her hands in Lily's hair, she was not going to last long at this rate. She had no time to wonder how this was happening after so long without it, all she could do was feel Lily's mouth licking and sucking at her like she was a cup of nectar and she came quickly, gasping for breath.

When Lily came up to kiss her she tasted of Alex's juices.

"That was fucking unbelievable. I thought I had imagined what it would be like but ...wow. I could stay down there all day." Her hand stayed brushing lightly against the naked skin between Alex's legs. "You are perfect. Did you do that for me?"

"You did it for me," Alex said, her face still flushed with exertion.

"No, silly. I mean the smooth, shaven finish..."

"Ah, no. I didn't exactly foresee the afternoon turning out this way. I've always kept it like that."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Habit. I like the way it feels."

"I like the way it feels too..."

"Alright."

"Alright?"

"Alright, I'll go on a proper date with you."

"Yes! Let me take you out tonight. We can go somewhere ridiculously expensive and make fun of all the stuffy, rich people."

"Tonight?"

"Absolutely. You can have a shower here and I have a dress you'll look amazing in. I know you have to get up early so don't worry, I won't keep you too late."

"You're not one of those people who are so into PDA's it borders on exhibitionism, are you?"

"No," Lily laughed, "but with you looking like that I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep my hands to myself."

"Because I should tell you that kind of thing makes me desperately uncomfortable."

"Are you ashamed?"

"Fuck no! I just know how much it pisses me off when I see other people getting all gooey in public, I don't want to inspire that feeling myself."

"Mm, I actually hate it too. We're perfect for each other."

Chapter 5

"Alex? Alex, you've been sitting there in silence for ...four minutes. Talk to me. What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Alex..."

"My brother, Henry, has checked back into rehab."

"I thought you didn't have much to do with him anymore."

"I don't. I stay away from all of them as much as possible but my sister insisted on intervening again and wanted me to help. When I went to see him he looked awful. He's practically anorexic and shifty and twitchy. I thought Nicola was exaggerating like usual but she was right. It used to just be pills but he's clearly started on the hard stuff."

"I'm sorry. At least he's getting help now, yes?"

"That's not how I see it. There is something inside him that keeps drawing him back to oblivion. I understand it. I think it's in all of us, we just all express it in different ways. Henrys way will kill him if he doesn't find something else to concentrate on."

"Like your way almost killed you?"

"It's different. He's turned a psychological problem into a physical addiction. It will be very hard for him to beat, maybe impossible. I wish Nikki hadn't involved me. I can't help him and I'm not sure if I really even care anymore."

"I know that's not true, but there is only so much you can do for people like that, brother or not."

"Mm, I know it." Alex wasn't really thinking about Henry. She twiddled her hands in her lap and Dr. Stansfield gazed at her, waiting.

"Lily and I's relationship has become sexual." Alex cringed at her own wording. Talking about this was well outside of her comfort zone and she was going to find it difficult to accurately describe her feelings on the matter.

"Oh? This is a development. When did this happen?"

"It started the weekend before last. Since then, aside from work, we haven't really been able to keep our hands off each other."

"You didn't even mention it last week."

"No. I needed to get out my feelings about that neglect case. And I needed time for what was happening with Lily and me to really sink in. It has now and I am so confused."

"About what?"

"I was very attracted to her from the beginning, then we got close, we talked, we found we had quite a lot in common, which was surprising in itself. But what's happened over the past week, to realize that I have actual physical chemistry with her is just a major shock to my system and I'm having trouble accepting it as real."

"Let me get this straight. You are surprised that the beautiful woman who asked you to lunch, kissed you in a restroom and told you her secrets now wants a physical relationship with you? For a smart girl you can be wilfully obtuse sometimes."

"You misunderstand what I'm saying. You're right, she did put in a lot of effort with me, so few people would have been as patient and yes, there were times when I thought she wanted more. I just wasn't taking the possibility too seriously because I thought that I was pretty much useless sexually. I've been celibate for a year and haven't really cared because I thought I was incapable of having an orgasm. I accepted it automatically because it's a common side-effect of Paxil. I figured it was a sacrifice I needed to make in order to keep my moods stable. But now I realize I may have been overestimating my limitations because in the end it really wasn't difficult for her at all. I mean it is truly fucking mind-blowing, it's like I've woken up from a long sleep, just thinking about it gets me..." Alex shook herself lightly. "And now it's coming back to me, what I said before about being afraid of falling in love, how right I might have been. But when I say I'm confused, I mean about sex. I starved myself for so long and now it's back and I haven't cut my Paxil dosage. Surely that's not normal."

"Why haven't you voiced your concerns about this before? You of all people know you can't believe everything you read. The diminishing effect of SSRI's on the libido differs from person to person, in your case it may have been your depression itself that was inhibiting interest in sex. There is no need for you to think you are responding abnormally or feel uncomfortable with it." Dr. Stansfield gave her a reassuring smile. "And yes, something as powerful as love can break down barriers raised by illness, especially for someone as sensitive as you. Are you in love?"

"Don't ask me that."

"Oh, Alex. I have to admit this wasn't quite what I had in mind when I suggested you make more of an effort with people. Sex is normal, healthy, but love is less clear-cut. I can understand it if you are afraid of love."

"Of course I'm afraid, that goes without saying."

"Can you tell me exactly what it is you are afraid of?"

"No. The same things I was afraid of two months ago."

"Your feelings have not altered with these new developments?"

"Okay, yes, they have. Very much so."

"You know that is what you are here for, to try to articulate your feelings so they aren't so alien to you."

"Alright. First off I'm afraid that I might be some kind of experiment or phase for her. I seem to be the only person she's been with apart from her husband which is good in a way, it means she's loyal, possibly even to a fault. On the other hand I may be just a stepping stone on her way to sexual freedom. From what I can glean this guy Frank was a complete prick to her." Alex paused and thought carefully for a moment, "I've considered these as possibilities and am prepared to face them if they turn out true, but I'm not sure they're at the top of my list of fears."

Dr. Stansfield waited, watching.

"She's not like anyone else I've ever known. At first I think I deluded myself into thinking she's just one of those people who flirts with everyone; you know the type? But she isn't like that at all, it's just me." Alex couldn't stop a smile from creeping over her features as she thought about this. "But it's too good to be real," she said, smile disappearing. "It won't last. Something will happen."

"Why do you always feel the need to look at everything through shaded glasses?"

"Because that's the way things are! Things always turn out crap in the end."

"That is where you are wrong. Things have turned out badly for you in the past which has given you a warped perspective. With your history it isn't surprising at all. You have to fight against it though. That's where your CBT training should be helping you."

"I know, I know. I just need to be able to show my negative side to you at least. My feelings have always been so horribly fucking unsolvable for me."

"You are in love."

"Maybe I am. So?"

"The last person you were in love with ended up dead. You felt responsible for that. I'm suddenly feeling rather worried about you."

"Oh really? You were the one who convinced me that it wasn't my fault what happened to Cass. She made her own choices. I ran because... You know what, it's irrelevant. Lily isn't like Cass, she's not afraid of being open about us."

"These things can be all-consuming. Are you getting enough sleep?"

"No less than I was before."

"How much is that? Alex, how much?"

"I don't know. Maybe five or six hours a night on average."

"I can prescribe you some Zolpidem..."

"No! Honestly, I don't need it. I am absolutely not thinking about Cass at present, she is the very last thing on my mind. I resent you bringing it up."

"My apologies. But you are feeling a bit negative..."

"It's complicated."

"Of course it is. Now that you've started this fabulous love-affair you're thinking about its end."

"Stop. You've made your point. You know, it occurs to me how dumb it is I even discuss these things with you. I wish I was raised in the East, I'd be more empathetic and less compulsive communicator."

Dr. Stansfield laughed.

"If you were raised in the east you'd be saying ...sorry, thinking the exact opposite. The grass is always greener, Alex. Anyway, you are empathetic, it's taken you a long time to become so communicative with me and you can't deny it's helped, can you?"

"No," Alex nodded reluctantly. "It does help me sort my sentiments out and its good practice for others. Unless I want to move to Taiwan it's a useful habit to get into."

"Something is still troubling you. What haven't you told me?"

"Lily has these marks on her back, scars really. Not cuts, more like puncture wounds," Alex's brow creased as she thought about it. "When I noticed them I asked her about it. She won't say much except that it was her husband. I think he was some kind of sexual sadist. It's really fucked up and it scares me to think about what kind of shit he might have put her through."

"Hm, that is understandable. What will you do?"

"I can't do anything. I'm certainly not going to force her to talk about it; that would be cruel. At least I know the bastard is dead. I just hope the emotional scars aren't too much for her, I know how much worse they can be than physical ones and it scares me, I don't mind admitting that. It really does."

"It puts you in a difficult position. You have your own emotional problems to deal with, taking on someone else's as well is inadvisable."

"It's not a difficult position."

"No?"

"I've seen no evidence of emotional problems thus far. Whatever lies in her past she seems to be coping with it. I mean, I know she's in therapy as well and she's told me she has some anger issues, but who the hell doesn't these days... I wish that she felt comfortable enough with me to talk about her problems but there is no question about whether I want to be with her or not, I'm just venting my insecurities to you."

"That is what I'm here for. I must admit, despite these particular worries your overall demeanor has changed markedly since you met this person. Not quite your gloomy old self, are you?"

"I'm far too distracted to feel depressed."

"So, depression down, pessimism still to go. But the fact that you're facing the challenge is really something and you never know, you may have a long stretch of good times ahead of you."

"I've been reading about this Myers-Briggs typology thing. What's your take on the whole business?"

"Myers-Briggs? I think it can be very accurate with regard to certain things. It's based on a solid foundation. How did you come to be interested?"

"Lily told me about it. She did the test on me and everything. She was so impressed and excited because I turned out to be the same type as her. I figured she was drunk and possibly overreacting, but my curiosity got the better of me the last few days and I read the profile. It definitely hit on some scarily familiar aspects of myself and then I tried conversely to disprove it with regard to what I know about Lily but didn't succeed. We're both Introverted Thinkers, antisocial and difficult to get to know. It made a lot of sense, maybe too much."

"Let me guess, INTP," she said and Alex nodded, impressed. "And she is as well? How fascinating."

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"I'm not actually. The only thing that makes it less surprising than it should be is that your type does tend to have an off the chart accurate radar when it comes to seeking each other out, or more to the point, dismissing everyone else."

"That sounds very elitist."

"Yes. You are probably the most intellectually elite type. It's not a bad thing, Alex, it actually makes me feel better about this new relationship of yours, that it may well last a lot longer than you think. You gave the impression that it was a purely physical attraction, this adds an entirely new dimension to it."

"You think so? It's not just pop psychology then?"

"It is pop psychology that carries weight. It's certainly not like astrology. If you are interested I can suggest some books that will make you understand it better than any website could."

"Mm, yes, it's all pretty intriguing. I guess Lily is worth the risk despite my pessimism."

"You said she's in therapy as well. Ever wonder what she says about you?

"Oh, come on, Dr. Stansfield, now you're just being evil. What did you have a slow day or something?" Alex scratched her chin. "And yes, I've thought about it. Crazy, crazy fucking world we live in."

"Isn't it just..." The doctor smiled her secret smile.

*

When Alex arrived home that night a figure was crouched on the steps at the front of her apartment building.

"Lily? What are you doing there?"

"Waiting for you. Where have you been?"

"Jesus. How long have you been sitting there ...it's freezing. Come in, come in." Alex led them up to her apartment.

"I would have texted you but I was afraid you might not want me to come around again tonight."

"What? I'm happy to see you! Why wouldn't I be?" She let them inside and switched the lights on. "Hey, are you okay? You look like you've been crying."

"Where have you been? I was worried."

"I had an appointment after work. Every Wednesday with my psychiatrist. I should have told you." Lily's tense expression collapsed into one of relief and she wrapped her arms tightly around Alex. "I'll have to give you my spare keys," Alex chuckled.

"Would you?"

"Of course. Let's get you warmed up." Alex turned the heating on and settled Lily under a blanket on the couch her head on her lap. Alex stroked her hair. "Something's wrong..."

"I was just worried. I thought you might be with someone else. Had all these stupid ideas running through my head."

"Are you jealous?"

"Should I be?"

"No! Come on, Lily, you know I'm not like that."

"Yeah," Lily snuggled against her. "I'm sorry I'm being so needy, I'm not normally like this. I just really need to know..."

"Need to know what?"

"If this is as real for you as it is for me."

"I've just been sitting in an office for an hour telling my doctor how lucky I am to have found you." She kissed Lily's head. "I'm an idiot, I should have been telling you."

"It wasn't luck, it was fate. I've been thinking about trying to convince you to stop working so much and to come away somewhere with me. It can't be healthy, I think I'm addicted to you."

"Or..." Alex hesitated.

"Or?" Lily looked up at her wide-eyed.

"Never mind," Alex smiled. "Will you stay tonight? I'd like you to."

"Me too. Why don't you go and have a shower or whatever and I'll order you some dinner if you haven't eaten. What do you feel like?"

They sat at the kitchen table and ate, Alex was famished and it felt so right to have Lily there with her but the other woman still seemed subdued, possibly even upset and Alex peered at her as she ate.

"You don't seem okay tonight. What's going on?"

"You know that dream you told me about where you were a soldier in a war?"

"I remember. Not an unusual dream for me."

"Would you fight? If you had to, I mean? If things turned to hell and your life was in danger?"

"What an odd question." Alex paused in between mouthfuls, chewing thoughtfully. "It's a difficult position to realistically put myself in. The automatic answer would be yes, but when it came to it, who knows. I think that we take our culture, the safety of it, our rights so badly for granted these days but it would take something pretty fucking major for the status quo to be disrupted. A collapse of civilization due to some environmental disaster or another," Alex stopped and looked at Lily, she was waiting for a real answer as usual. "If our rights, our freedom were under threat, yes, absolutely, I would fight for them. I would kill to defend those rights and I would die. Sorry if that shocks you but I can't imagine standing idly by and allowing the re-emergence of a world in which everything we've worked towards as a society for millennia was simply taken away. The idea of that scares me much more than death does."

"Good answer. I shouldn't have expected anything less from you. You jumped to a pretty interesting scenario from the original question though."

"Why do you ask? Would you fight?"

"Yes. But I have a recurring dream where I'm being strangled and there's always this point at which I just let go, stop fighting and give in to it and this sense of peace comes over me, as if it's okay, as if this is how it's supposed to be." Alex stopped eating and stared at Lily in bewilderment.

"That's awful. Damn, I thought my dreams were bad. But you would fight, in reality, right?"

"Yes," Lily nodded. "And I'm not just hypothesizing."

Alex put her fork down and wiped her mouth. "Are you talking about your husband?" she asked.

"No. No," Lily laughed and redirected the conversation as was her habit. "I'm talking about us. Me and you."

"Oh," Alex felt her heart sink as a realization of what Lily was getting at dawned on her. Lily pushed her plate aside and looked at Alex squarely, her expression grave.

"I know that you're scared. I'm scared. You value your independence and I like mine too, but this isn't even close to being just about sex for me, I feel so many things for you I never thought I'd feel," she hesitated, her brow creased. "But I have a problem and I really, really need to be honest with you about it. So... Can you come downstairs for a walk with me? Just around the block or something?"

"It's pretty cold ...and late. If you have something to say ..."

"Please?" Lily interrupted Alex. "It's important."

"To go for a walk around the block?"

"We need to talk about something." Alex said no more and quietly wrapped herself up in coat, gloves and scarf while Lily did the same. "Leave your phone here."

"Why?"

"Just please, do it."

When they left the building their breath was visible in the icy night and Alex began to walk west, Lily beside her. She waited for Lily to speak, inwardly bracing herself. Considering the last few days and how eager Lily had seemed to spend time with her tonight she had not expected this, but it seemed inevitable that Lily was about to break it off with Alex. She couldn't really blame her, things had got too intense too soon, but it was going to be painful. They walked for a full minute in the foggy, lamp-lit street before Lily turned to her and, pushing the sleeves of her coat and shirt up, checked each of her wrists.

"What are you doing?"

"Do you have any other devices on you?" Lily searched her face in the dim street light. "In your pockets or anything?"

"No. Why? What is this?" Alex stood facing her, very confused.

Lily linked her arm into Alex's and began walking again pulling Alex with her. She leaned close and spoke in quiet tones.

"Do you remember our first phone conversation? When I told you about Frank?"

"Yes," Alex said, unconsciously reciprocating Lily hushed voice.

"I told you he was a violent and cruel man, and you asked me if I had killed him," Alex had to struggle to hear her. "Why did you ask me that? It's so messed up and I ..." Her voice trailed off with a sob. Alex peered at her sideways.

"Look, if this is some bizarre attempt to..."

"Shhh! Please, Alex, just listen. I need to get this out now, it's very hard for me." She paused for a few seconds and Alex stayed silent while they walked. "Frank was a monster. He was doing things ...if it hadn't been him, it would have been Jacob, or me, or someone else."

"I don't know what you're saying."

"I'm saying that ...ethically, morally ...and possibly legally," Lily continued in a mechanical whisper, "I could be held responsible for Frank's death."

Alex had to stop herself from shouting an expletive in response. She gripped Lily's elbow tighter with her own and quickened their pace, her mind racing. "What have you done, Lily?"

"Frank had a mild heart-attack in 2011 and he'd been put on a strict diet and exercise regime. His temper, his ability to control his levels of cruelty took a turn for the worse ...I thought how easy it would be for him to just have another heart-attack and this time be rid of him for good. I never thought anyone would know, or more to the point, that they would really blame me. But I know. I know what I've done."

"Alright," Alex tried to keep her voice steady. "But now I know too. I think you should tell me what you did."

"His heart was bad already, I gave him a nudge in the direction that made everything better for the rest of us. There were certain drugs he had to take regularly and others he needed to avoid at all cost in order to keep his blood pressure stable. Replacing them was simple enough, when it came to it I'm not sure I really believed it would work, which made it easier."

"Jesus fucking Christ."

"You must understand, this wasn't about money. It was about protecting myself and Jacob. Frank was a sociopath, the world was better off without him."

"Okay. But what about you?"

"You think I'm a sociopath?"

"No. But..." Alex was at a loss for words.

"It was Frances who gave me the idea. Not directly but it was a very clear communication within context. I will try to explain... Frances and her husband had come to dinner one night and as usual the atmosphere was pathetically menacing. She had always known how Frank dominated me and Jacob, and anyone else he could. This particular night, she told me later, they had left and Frances had gone around to retrieve her cloak from the pool area and she'd seen us through the window without meaning to. Frank had his hands around my neck, grinning like a maniac and though she couldn't make out the words she could see he was saying something to Jacob who was cowering in a corner. This was not an unusual scene for us, but it made a lasting and unacceptable impression on Frances who began coming to see me more after that, specifically when she knew I was alone. She asked me a lot about how Frank was with us in private, but she also told me things, made me feel stronger and slowly the idea started to solidify in my head." Lily's hushed discourse stopped momentarily as a woman with two dogs passed them. "After it happened we spoke directly about it only a few times, primarily, I think, because Frances needed assurance that I wasn't coming apart. Frances is a foreign diplomat but she started her career in law -she's a tough nut. It was her that kept me sheltered from prying eyes immediately afterward and although it's always been there between us, it's remained largely unspoken since then." Lily stopped and turned to look at Alex, her face stricken, her hands gripping her arms.

"I'm sorry," Alex said, the full vision of Lily's past weighing heavily on her.

"What will you do, Alex?"

"Me? It is not something I'll ever repeat." The certainty about this was evident in Alex's voice. "Now I understand what you were getting at before. You fought back."

"In the only stupid way I could, yes." Lily searched her eyes questioningly

"I'm shocked, I can't deny that, but in all honesty, I'm also a little proud of you, based on what you've said the man was a total cunt and, yes, that is a position in which drastic measures may be reasonable. It probably would have happened anyway, given his strenuous, bullying lifestyle ...right?"

"Right." Lily took her arm again and they continued.

"Are you okay?" Alex asked awkwardly.

"You're worried about me?"

"Yes. Forgive me for saying this but you have crossed a line that can never be uncrossed. I think you did the right thing, you saw a way out and you took it, but ...are you okay? This is the sort of thing that can destroy a person."

"It might have. If it wasn't for Frances. And now you, saying that. Thank you."

"I can't believe you've told me this. I knew you'd had a hard time with him but I wouldn't have pushed you to talk about it. This is just..."

"Too much for you?"

"No. I know this kind of thing happens. I'm only sorry it happened to you. Frances sounds okay, I'm glad you had her," Alex shook her head in amazement. "Her own brother."

"This is serious, Alex. What she's done for us... I could accept you telling people what I did, just not about her involvement."

"If I've understood you correctly then it couldn't be proved either way even if someone were to gossip about it. Which I wouldn't, rest assured." Alex's brain was working overtime. "I won't tell anyone," she repeated firmly.

"I was so afraid of how you would react. She'd like to meet you."

"Who? Frances? What does she know about me?"

"I sort of talked about you a bit when I was in Rome. Frances got the picture. I've been crazy about you since I first saw you and that isn't something that happens to me. I get the feeling it's not something that happens to you either. I've told you all this because it was either that or leave you alone. I couldn't go on feeling like I was playing you for a fool, which you most definitely are not."

Lily's words, her confession, the final piece of a puzzle she didn't know she'd been trying to complete, filled Alex with an entirely inappropriate sense of both relief and desire. In those moments many things changed for Alex, she felt as if she'd been given something, an offering of power, of trust and of love unlike anything she'd ever had before. Perhaps later the gravity of what Lily had done would hit her in a different way but right now, all she felt was an intense need to hold her, touch her, kiss her, to tell her it was okay.

They stopped and faced each other, they were almost back at Alex's building.

"You're crying." Lily pulled a glove off and wiped a stray tear from Alex's cheek. "You've told me so many horrible things about your past and I've never seen you shed a tear. You are human after all." Lily searched her face, her eyes full of concern. "Are you going to leave me?"

"Leave you?" Alex tried to clear her tears away with a self-conscious laugh. "I thought you brought me out here to let me down gently. To tell me that you couldn't be around me anymore."

"Alex! How could you think that?" Lily was shocked. "I've lied to you. If anyone's going to leave it will be you."

"When I asked you if I was in any danger of being deceived that's not what I meant. Everybody lies, it's the lies designed to hurt that bother me. Besides, this isn't the kind of thing you talk about in only a second conversation with someone. I'm not going to leave you, you're amazing. That you have trusted me enough to tell me about this now is kind of blowing my mind."

Lily wrapped her arms around Alex and held her tightly.

"We don't ever have to talk about it again. Unless you need to. I'll always be here if you need to, no matter what happens between us, okay?" Lily kissed her and pushed her hands inside her coat.

"Can we go back upstairs now?" she whispered, her hands running up Alex's waist, breasts.

They burst through the door to Alex's apartment pulling at each other's clothes, desperate to feel skin on skin.

"I think that, in a very strange way, you just told me you loved me. Is that what you were saying outside?" Alex asked breathlessly.

"That is exactly what I was saying. That I'm yours, completely, no compromises. If you want me."

Alex kissed her neck, her jawline, lost herself in her lips.

"Tell me you won't let anyone hurt you ever again."

"I won't let anyone hurt either of us," Lily murmured.

*

Lily woke vaguely to Alex's alarm and to feel her slip gently from her arms. She drifted back to sleep but woke again when she heard the door as she returned from her morning run. She checked her phone, it was just before seven but suddenly Lily felt very awake, her mind buzzing with thoughts of the night before, a strange mixture of relief and worry. She stretched, she needed to get up and make sure everything was okay. But when she saw Alex with her ear-phones in, doing sit ups on the lounge room floor she forgot her worries and watched her quietly. How the hell does she manage to look so damn beautiful doing that, she wondered, her mouth hanging open. Alex finished and lay on her back on the floor, breathing heavily. She pulled the buds from her ears.

"Wow, you push yourself hard," Lily said. "No wonder there's no fat on your bones." She flopped down on the floor beside Alex and draped her arm around her waist.

"Don't," Alex laughed, "I'm all sweaty and gross."

"I know. It's fucking sexy."

"Not for me, it's not. But you can come into the shower with me if you want."

"Mm, yes. I'll wash your hair." But when she saw Alex's naked body under the steaming water she could not concentrate on soaping her. Her mouth went to her nipples and her hand went between her legs and she loved the way Alex responded to her touch, she loved making her whimper. She pushed her back against the shower wall and made her gasp in ecstasy and the mess of liquid that formed between her own legs was not shower water.

"I think I'm actually starting to chafe," Alex said, the flush of orgasm still on her face.

"So am I," Lily said unable to keep her hands off her. "But I still want more. More, more, more."

"Fuck, so do I." And Lily watched as Alex pushed her legs open and began lapping at her. She came quickly. She wanted to stay there all day wrapping Alex in her arms, feeling her tongue against hers, but she pulled herself together and began rubbing shampoo into Alex's long hair.

"I could get used to this," Alex said making Lily smile behind her. So could I, she thought. Thoughts of her revelation the previous night returned to her and since they were under running water she broached the subject cautiously.

"You exercise like you're angry about something."

"Yeah, well, I don't have any guns to shoot. You do what you can," Alex chuckled. "Did you sleep okay?"

"I always do when I'm with you. Have you been thinking about last night? Is that why you're angry?"

"You're worried I might have changed my mind?"

"A bit. I hate the idea, but if you want me to, I'll leave you alone." Alex turned and looked at her with those big, dark eyes.

"Please don't, Lily. Yes, it's on my mind, but it's not you I'm angry with. I'm angry with a dead man. It's applicable to so many situations that are still happening."

"I can't help feeling like I've laid way too much on you," she said encouraged by how comfortable she felt being honest with Alex. She needed reassurance and she didn't mind admitting that.

"I've been thinking about my parents," Alex began and Lily looked at her questioningly. "Particularly my father, my moral compass. If he had known about a situation like yours, what you and Jacob were dealing with, he would have done it himself and he would have so much respect for your courage. He never had much trust in the law or the justice system."

"You don't think I could have just left?"

"You couldn't leave Jacob. And you couldn't have taken him with you. I understand." Lily felt her heart surge, she should never have doubted Alex's resolve.

"And your mother? What would she think?" she asked, genuinely interested and Alex laughed lightly.

"Well, my mother would want to have a bloody good argument with you first about something totally unrelated, then, if you managed to hold your own, she'd reluctantly admit that you did the right thing and bond with you for life. I know you probably feel like an outcast because of this and that you had a crappy experience with your own parents. I wish you could have met mine, you would have found sanctuary with them. But this isn't about them. Please don't feel like I'm confused about wanting to be with you." Lily felt breathless. "Do you feel bad about what you did?" Alex asked her and she quickly averted her eyes.

"I can't," she frowned. "I feel bad I had to do something like that. But I'm glad he's gone. I would do it again."

"Lily, look at me," and Lily did. "That's all I need to know." Alex smiled at her. "If you had any doubt in your heart about what you did then I would have to worry about you. But if you don't have any doubt, then neither do I." Tears pricked at Lily's eyes beneath the steaming water but not from despair, she kissed the soft, pink of Alex's lips.

"How did I ever find you?"

"You deserve to be loved," Alex said sincerely then added, "I love you."

"I love you too. So much." Lily felt she had never spoken truer words in her life.

"Good," Alex chuckled. "Now enough of this. I'm going to be so late for work."

Lily blow dried her hair and watched as she dressed and applied her make-up then went to a kitchen drawer and handed Lily a set of keys.

"You can come and go as you please now. I was thinking I could take Saturday off. Maybe come around to yours and play some Global Offensive with Jacob?"

"He would love that. He really likes you." Lily hugged Alex tightly then let her go, knowing everything was going to be okay.

### END

About the Author

I started writing in June 2017. The plan was to write four short stories, all following similar themes and styles. They were to be experimental, to see what I was capable of and which direction my mind would go in. With the third story I swerved off course a bit but that's okay, it was interesting. I think my next four will probably follow more mystery-horror themes. Maybe. I have not shown these stories to anyone prior to publishing on smashwords so have had no external input; any feedback at all would therefore be appreciated.

Other titles by Sasha McCallum

The Reader & The Writer

There Will Be Blood

The Lake

The Arrangement

Daughter of Night

Said the Spider

Oculi

Pretty Ugly Place

Tinderbox

Connect with Sasha McCallum

mccallumsasha@gmail.com

Sample of The Reader & The Writer

Chapter 1

The library was old. Although many new additions and renovations had been made over the years, there were still parts of it Heidi could go into and feel like she was a child again, getting lost among the shelves while her mother worried and searched for her.

When she was here, she considered herself to be officially at work, so it was acceptable for her to switch her phone and herself off from the outside world. If people complained that they couldn't get a hold of her, it was her go-to excuse -I was working, I was trying to concentrate. The people who knew her quickly learned this fact, when it came to working on a project her self-discipline was exemplary. Of course, deep down she knew it had developed that way because she needed a good reason to cut out the insistent buzz of irritating interruptions. Getting something useful done had come about gradually as little more than a positive side-effect and she still spent much of her time simply reading and learning about things that would not end up contributing to her current body of work. She liked the relaxed attitude with which she could do this, the favorable circumstances that had allowed her to become the person she was; she was lucky, she knew.

She had been frequenting the library most afternoons from Wednesday through Sunday for over six months and enjoyed her routine. It was free, easy, but she could still wake up in the morning happy in the knowledge that she'd done something useful the day before, produced something.

This particular day, a Saturday, she'd been concentrating for an hour in relative solitude when a discombobulated body sat down at the table to her right. She continued working, not looking at the person, noting only with relief that, whoever it was, they weren't noisy or intrusive. In fact, they were being so silent that after 45 minutes Heidi began to wonder if the dark blob in her peripheral vision might be a hallucination. She found the possibility intriguing and continued her work.

Today she wasn't doing much writing. She had a few points she needed to research and was reading online about death in absentia, noting things down, occasionally veering off from the primary subject as she did when she found a topic especially new and interesting. Eventually her curiosity got the better of her, she glanced to her right then quickly returned her gaze to her computer but certainly not her attention.

It was a girl, maybe 20 years old, dark hair, pale skin and hauntingly beautiful. Why hauntingly? Heidi wondered to herself. Perhaps just the circumstances; ignoring her silent presence long enough to envision her as a possible hallucination. She needed to look at her again, to prove herself wrong; this was no ghost and this very real person was not hauntingly beautiful, nor probably even very interesting looking.

Feeling as if she were being glaringly conspicuous, Heidi looked again at the figure to her right. She was real, yes; Heidi's eyes remained on her longer this time. Her long, almost black hair was loose and falling partially over her face, her nose in a book, her concentration clearly unwavering. Her face, what little of it Heidi could see was, yes, quite stunning. Her features were soft, her cheekbones high, her nose perfectly shaped for her face. She was thin, perhaps too thin under her heavy coat and layers of winter clothes and the book she was reading was thick. Heidi could not see her eyes properly, or what book had this fascinating creature so enraptured. Heidi had never seen her before, her face was completely unknown to her, and she would probably never see her again.

She tried to immerse herself back in her work but the girl had invaded her mind, pervaded her senses and she was finding it difficult to concentrate. Eventually she gave up, packed her things into her bag and left without looking at the girl again.

The following Saturday the same enchanting girl was back though, reading the same enormous volume. Heidi sat looking away from her. Her resolve not to indulge in these strange flights of fancy she took to sometimes was normally well-trained; habitually she moved on from them and didn't look back. They were nothing more than fleeting fantasies, immature and not worth wasting her time or energy on. Once, when she was a still a child, she had allowed herself to be sucked in by feelings like those, but she was not a child anymore, she knew better.

She worked drearily on her article. It was an interesting subject, but she was at that early stage of writing when it had yet to entirely capture her attention, it hadn't become a part of her yet. At 4pm she got up to use the restroom and go outside for a brief sojourn into the world of nicotine, an old vice she wasn't even trying to kick. On her way back to her table, which was thankfully still unoccupied, she very nearly physically brushed the girl who had captured her interest the week before, but whose presence she had somehow forgotten about this week. The girl looked up from her book, a rare, momentary lapse of concentration on her part, Heidi guessed. She sat back down at an angle where the girl was in view this time, her curiosity overpowering.

For the next three weekends the girl was there every Saturday and Sunday giving Heidi a worrisome chance to become both accustomed to her presence and very interested to know who she was. She was so dangerously lovely that Heidi had begun to look forward to seeing her at the weekend. This was wrong, she knew. She shouldn't be allowing it, she should avoid the girl, at least by sitting in a different section of the library. On the other hand, her self-indulgent side told her, what harm could it do? It was a pleasure to see her, to be near her, and it wasn't as if she were interacting with the girl in any way, in fact they had barely acknowledged each other's presence. As if to prove her wrong the universe chose to intervene at that point; while she was sitting, only half concentrating on her screen.

"You have the most interesting way of looking both five and a hundred years old. You have to be one of the most expressive people I've ever seen."

Heidi stared, mouth open in surprise. The girl stood over her and looked at Heidi with curiosity and perhaps a hint of derision. Her irises were grey and dark, but still distinguishable from the black rings that circled them. Heidi was too surprised by her comment to respond before she swept away and disappeared out of the study section of the ancient library.

