 
Mind over Matter

Misty Reigenborn

Copyright 2012

By Misty Reigenborn

Smashwords Edition

Chapter 1

My name is Ariel Fletcher and I'm 17 years old. Right now I'm sitting in a motel room with my mom. She's on the phone with my dad again, but I don't think that he really wants to talk to me. I think that part of the reason that my mom dragged me out of bed at four o'clock in the morning yesterday was that she was afraid that I'd hurt my little brothers without meaning to. I can't blame her because there's been some really weird stuff going on lately, but I would hate myself if I hurt my little brothers. They can be jerks but I still love them.

I am my mom's sixth child and my dad's first. My mom had five kids with her ex husband, but they never lived with us. They didn't live with their dad either, because they all got taken away by child protective services or CPS. When I tell people that, a lot of them automatically think that my mom must have been some kind of a junkie or child abuser who straightened her life out when she met my dad.

It's not true. Of course I wasn't there, but I've talked to my half brothers and sister and they pretty much confirm the fact that neither our mom nor their dad ever abused them. My mom never did drugs and she hardly ever drinks alcohol. My mom is my hero and I love her so much. I've always been closer to my dad, because sometimes it seems that my mom is almost afraid to love my brothers and me too much. But I know she loves us and she's always been a good mother. She just had a lot to deal with after they took her kids away and was really sad for a very long time. She still gets sad because she missed a lot of stuff in that went on in the lives of her older kids, but they all have a good relationship now.

So let me get to where all of this trouble started. My older sister is 28. Yeah, okay so that makes my mom kind of old and yeah, my dad is a few years younger than her, but she doesn't seem that old. She's a painter now and she's really good. It took her forever to finally follow her dreams but she did it. We have plenty of money because my dad used to do this show on TV. He won't let me watch it because he says it's beyond my years, but it's not like I can't find it on the internet. It's still pretty funny even if some of the jokes are a little dated.

My sister called my mom on the phone almost a month ago and said that CPS had come knocking on her door and threatened to take her kids away. Her electricity had been shut off and someone said that her boyfriend was dealing drugs out of their house. I don't like her boyfriend. He's kind of an asshole. I know that he cheats on her and does drugs, but I know he's not dumb enough to sell them. He loves their kids, even if I don't think that he loves Summer enough sometimes.

My mom was mad that Summer hadn't called her before because she would have given Summer the money right away to pay their power bill. But Summer said that she's tired of borrowing money all the time. I can't blame her for that. Mom and Dad give me a nice allowance, but they won't let me get a job because I want to be a writer. They think that I'm really good and should concentrate on my writing while I still can. I won 10th place in a writing contest and my story got published in a book, but sometimes I wonder if I'm really as good as they think I am, or if they're just being nice because they're my parents and they love me.

Anyway, Mom told Summer that she'd pay for a lawyer since with what happened to her, you can never be too careful. But Summer said no, and said that she didn't think that the worker would come back because their electricity was back on. Kevin was trying his hardest to stay clean and had started at a new job that paid better than his last one.

Well, everything was okay until a week later when Summer called Mom. She was way upset because they did take her kids and wouldn't give them back until she went to court.

Mom called a lawyer right away. They got right into court but they still wouldn't give the kids back. They said that Summer's house was "dangerous" because it gets kinda messy sometimes and both Summer and Kevin had dirty drug tests. Summer just tested positive for marijuana. I didn't think that people cared about that anymore, but I guess it is still illegal a lot of places. My parents smoke it every once in a while and I've tried it myself so it doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but I guess it did to this caseworker and judge.

Kevin tested positive for coke and even though his numbers were barely over the limit, they said that he had to go to drug counseling. They also had to take parenting classes and get mental health evaluations and a bunch of other crap before they'd even think of sending the kids home. Mom wanted to drive up and pick up my nephews right away but they wouldn't let her. That really pissed her off and she got into a fight with Dad over it. That was not a fun night let me tell you. My parents don't fight very often but when they do, look out.

Everyone was upset and they wouldn't let me go out with my boyfriend Adam that night. They'd promised me that I could go out with him again if I kept my grades up. They grounded me from seeing him for two weeks because Dad caught us having sex in my room when we were supposed to be studying and weren't technically supposed to have the door closed.

Mom and Dad like Adam, but not that much. I don't think that it's easy for any parent to admit that their kid is having sex, especially when you're a girl.

I really miss Adam already, but let me get back to my story. I went to bed early that night, or at least went to my room early. I texted back and forth with Adam until after eleven o'clock and tried to work on a story that I was writing for a little while after, so it was after midnight when I finally tried to go to sleep. I could hear Mom and Dad having sex, because their bed squeaks. It's pretty weird to think that my parents still do things like that, but at least it meant that they had made up. I figured that they'd let me see Adam that night since they'd be in a better mood in the morning.

I had this really vivid dream that night. I was in this parking lot. This woman was ahead of me and she was hurrying like she had somewhere really important to get to. I didn't know who she was because I'd never seen her before, but I called out to her and I knew her name. It was Penny. Even in the dream, I knew that I had the right name.

She turned around. I hurried over to where she was. She got a strange look on her face, like maybe she thought she knew me from somewhere or something, but still wasn't sure why I knew her name. Well, the next thing I knew, she was lying on the ground and her eyes were blank like she was dead. I bent down and she wasn't breathing and there wasn't a pulse in her neck or in her wrist. I had no idea what in the hell had happened to her, but I knew that whatever it was, I had somehow been responsible for it. I thought about calling for help, but I didn't have my phone in the dream and I knew that what I really needed to do was just get the hell out of there.

I was pretty freaked out when I woke up. The dream made me feel weird. I was sweating and I had a headache and really just didn't feel well at all. Mom gave me a funny look when I went up to breakfast and asked if I was okay. I told her I was fine and made myself a bowl of cereal for breakfast like usual and forced myself to eat every bite. I didn't really want to go to school, but I really wanted to see Adam and knew that there was no way my parents would let me see him after school if I stayed home from school.

Dad was in a really good mood. He was whistling. I think that even my brothers, who are fourteen and thirteen, knew that he'd gotten laid the night before because they were making all kinds of funny faces at each other behind Dad's back. If it's weird for me to think that our parents still have sex, it's really weird for my brothers to think so.

Dad dropped me off at school and kissed my forehead like he always does. I'm probably too old for it, but like I told you before, I've always been kind of a Daddy's girl. I miss my Dad really badly too.

Anyway, Dad knew that something was wrong and told me that I could call him if I wanted him to come and pick me up at lunch time. He wants to buy me a car, but Mom doesn't think I'm ready. I kind of think that I agree with her, especially now, even though I still want one. Adam does have a car though, so I told him that if I needed a ride home, he could just give me a ride. Dad kind of made a face at that, but he didn't tell me that I couldn't go out with Adam after school so I was happy.

At lunch time, Adam and I went to eat at a nearby fast food restaurant. I wasn't hungry and I really just wanted him to hold me since I was still feeling out of sorts, but his friend Mike was in the backseat. There was no way that I was going to ask him in front of Mike. He has a really dirty mind and doesn't seem to understand that even the hottest make session doesn't always have to lead to sex. So I didn't tell Adam about my dream then either.

After school he was waiting by my locker. He looked so happy just to see me that I wanted to cry. I had no idea why I was feeling so bad, but Adam took one look at me and told me that we were going to go his house and talk since his parents were out of town. Yeah, we did end up in his bedroom and we did have sex, but it was what happened afterwards that matters.

We were still naked and I was tracing a heart on his chest. He kissed my cheek and then said "What's the matter babe?"

I sighed. "I had a really weird dream last night."

He sat up and leaned against the headboard. I sat up too, and looked at him. Adam has the most beautiful eyes. They're this weird mixture of blue and brown since his dad has blue eyes and his mom has brown. Sometimes I think I could literally get lost in them.

He looked back at me. "So tell me about it babe, if it's bugging you so much. I know something is."

"I don't know if I can explain it, but I'll try. I was in this parking lot with this woman I've never seen before. I called out to her and she turned around and gave me this weird look. The next thing I knew she was laying on the ground dead. And I knew that somehow I had killed her. I didn't see myself do anything but I knew that I did. It was so weird. I woke up all sweaty and I had a headache too. Have you ever had a dream like that?"

Adam shook his head, and brushed my hair back out of my face. "Not exactly. I think you've just been watching too many horror movies again."

"It's not that Adam. Those movies don't bug me, because I know they're not real. Or if they are, I don't let them get to me. I know that people do really messed up stuff sometimes. Did weird things ever happen to you when you were a kid? Did you ever feel like you went away from your body, but had no idea where you went or anything about what you did while you were gone?"

"Weird things happen to everyone, but no nothing like that ever happened to me when I was a kid. Are you sure you didn't just read something in a book somewhere and think that it really happened to you when you were a kid? You've read more books than anyone I know Rie."

"No. It was real Adam. I thought for a while that it was some kind of disassociation but nothing bad happened to me when I was a kid, certainly not like what happened to my older sister and brothers. I know that Mom and Dad never did anything bad."

"Nah, you're parents are cool. I think your dad wanted to shoot me when he saw that we were having sex, but he definitely could have done more than grounding you for a couple weeks."

"Yeah. Have you ever felt like you could do things with your mind Adam?"

Adam gave me a funny look. "Like what?"

"I don't know. Make people think things or want to do something or make them see pictures in their head."

"Nah, I think you've been smoking weed again babe."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, I got a little weird the last time we got stoned but forget about that for now. I'm serious. I used to want something specific for dinner and then my mom would decide that's what she was going to cook. This wasn't just a one-time thing. Last year, when we had broken up and I was really depressed, Mom made what I wanted for dinner every night in a row for two weeks. My brothers were pissed."

Adam shrugged. "So what? Your mom knew you were down. She was trying to be nice."

"Uh uh. It wasn't that because these weren't my favorite foods. She was making tacos one night and suddenly decided to make this casserole that I like five minutes before the meat was done cooking. This is something we don't eat very often because Dad and the boys don't like it. I thought about it two minutes before she changed her mind on what to make for dinner."

Adam shrugged again, but he looked less convinced. "Okay, so you and your mom were on the same wavelength that night or something. It happens sometimes."

"Yeah. Like when she started drawing again and the first picture she drew was of this house that was stuck in my head that I'd never seen before right? Or like when I was five and wanted this certain dress to wear the first day of school but we couldn't find one like it in the stores anywhere. I couldn't describe to her exactly what it looked like, but the next thing we knew I got a package from my grandma and it had that exact dress in it. Or when we were fifteen and you weren't going to ask me out because you thought I liked Tommy Paulson. You were going to ask Sarah Andrews out to try to make me jealous. I looked at you in history class and I told you that I liked you in my mind. You asked me out after school that day. Like that huh?"

"You smiled at me that day babe. You hardly ever smile. You walk around like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders most of the time. It bugs the crap out of me."

"Are you trying to tell me that in history class it didn't pop into your head that I liked you? You told me before that it did, so don't lie to me Adam."

"Like I said, it was because you smiled. It did kinda pop into my head that maybe you liked me, but I wasn't sure that you were going to say yes when I asked you out. I just knew that I had to take a chance. I didn't really want to ask Sarah out. She has bad breath. It must be really gross to kiss her."

"Sarah is a really nice girl. What did it feel like when I looked at you? Be honest with me please."

Adam wouldn't look at me. "Well, you looked at me and you smiled. I was kinda starting to think dirty thoughts about you, but then it came into my head that you liked me."

"Uh huh. Was it she likes you or was it I like you?"

Then Adam really wouldn't look at me, and he was mumbling when he said "I like you."

"So see, you can't think that I'm totally full of shit."

"I don't think you're full of shit Rie. This stuff is just weird."

"Do you love me Adam?"

"Of course I love you. I can't imagine ever feeling the way I feel about you for another girl."

"I love you too. Do you trust me?"

Adam looked me in the eye then. "Of course I trust you babe. Why? You wanna try that sex thing you were telling me about?"

I gave him a dirty look. "No, but I do want to try something else."

"Um, okay. Do I wanna know what this is about?"

"Probably not. I won't hurt you Adam. I don't know what I can do, but I wouldn't hurt you. Close your eyes please, and give me your hands."

Adam sighed, but he put his hands in mine. I closed my eyes and tried to send a picture to his mind of the tattoo that I wanted to get with his name on it. My parents would probably kill me if they knew I was even thinking about it, but I thought it was going to look really cool.

"Okay," I said. "I'm going to picture something in my head. I want you to try to relax and see if you can see what I want you to see okay?"

I could tell Adam was grinning when he said "Is it dirty?"

"No. Try to clear your mind and concentrate. We can have sex again after we try this okay?"

"Damn. Twice in one day? I must have the best girlfriend in the world."

"Ha ha. Stop being a horny teenager for a few minutes and try this with me okay?"

Adam sighed. "It's really hard when you're still naked in my bed."

"Adam I'm being serious here. Please."

"Okay. I'm sorry baby. I'll be good."

I twined my fingers through his and tried my hardest to send a clear picture of my tattoo into his head. After a few minutes my head started to hurt. I dropped his hands and opened my eyes.

"Anything?"

Adam grinned. "No. Not unless you were already thinking about us having sex again."

I hit him with his pillow. "Will you stop it? This is serious. Your girlfriend may be some kind of freak and all you're worried about is getting laid again."

"You're not a freak baby. Or even if you are, you'll always be my freak. I'd love you if you had eleven toes and green hair."

"Ha ha. Try to clear your mind for just a few minutes and I'm going to try this again okay? But I'm going to touch you and you're not going to touch me. I think you're blocking me or something."

"Uh huh."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Don't be a jerk. I'm going to put my hands on your chest and we're both going to close our eyes again. If this doesn't work, I won't bug you about it again."

"You just want to rub my sexy chest since I've been working out." I made a face at him. "I'm sorry baby. I'll be serious."

He closed his eyes. I put my hands on his chest and then closed my own eyes. I tried to relax, but dirty thoughts were trying to enter my mind too. I really did like to rub Adam's chest. I took a deep breath and blew it out, blowing the thoughts of sex out of my mind with it. I pictured the tattoo I wanted as clearly as I could. I was sure my mom could draw a perfect picture of it, but then she'd want to know why I wanted it, so I just pictured if the best I could.

After several minutes, my hands started to feel warm and my head started to hurt again, so I opened my eyes and pulled my hands away from Adam's chest. He opened his eyes and looked a little dazed.

"My head hurts," he said.

I kissed his forehead. "I'm sorry. Did you see anything?"

"Can I smoke a cigarette?"

I made a face at him. "You taste nasty when you smoke. I like the taste of your tongue so much better when it tastes like you and not a cigarette."

He gave me a pleading look. "Please baby? I promise it'll only be one. That was really fucking weird."

I sighed. "Fine. But you're going to open the window. You're going to brush your teeth and gargle before you kiss me again and eat a peppermint."

Adam opened his sock drawer and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I pulled the sheet around me and opened his window. Adam lit the cigarette and I sat down on the other side of the bed, crossing my legs underneath me. "So what did you see?" I said.

"How about you tell me what you wanted me to see?"

"No. That would totally defeat the purpose of the whole thing Adam. Just tell me what you saw. I won't laugh at you or think you're dumb if you get it wrong because all of this is a little weird. I admit that."

"Yeah. Do you have any aspirin in your purse babe? I really do have a headache."

"I think so, but will you please just tell me what you saw first? I have a headache too. I'll get some aspirin for both of us when you're done telling me what you saw."

"Okay. Well, um at first I was just trying not to picture you naked. Then I heard you take that breath and let it out. A little bit later, I have no idea how much time it was; I saw this flash of light in my head. Then I saw you with this tattoo on the small of your back, you know right above your ass where I think it's totally hot for girls to get tattoos. It had my name on it."

My heart started to beat fast. "Tell me more about what it looked like."

Adam flicked ashes into an empty soda can. "Well, it was a heart and it was dark red. There were flowers on one side and two or three butterflies on the other side. Pretty girly, not something that I'd think that you'd like. But anyway, it had a keyhole in the middle, and wings behind it. Then there was a key and it had a ribbon attached to it, I think it was light blue and it had my name on it. Sappy girl stuff. You'd never want a tattoo like that would you?"

I closed my eyes. The ribbon was mint green, but he had everything else right. It was more girly than I usually was, but I'd always felt like Adam gave my heart wings and held the key to my heart. I wasn't unhappy, but my parents said that the poetry I wrote could get pretty dark. I had been pretty much obsessed with horror since I was twelve, so I guessed that they were probably right.

I felt Adam touch my face. "Babe, are you okay?"

"No. Yes. You got it right Adam." I smiled at him, but it felt forced.

He put the cigarette out in the can. "Huh? I didn't think that you wanted a tattoo. We always kinda joked about getting tattoos together when we turned eighteen, but I always figured that I'd end up being the only one that got one. It really was girly. It would look totally hot on you, but I didn't think you were into flowers and butterflies and that kind of stuff."

"I'm not really, but I wanted it to be something softer and more feminine than I usually act. I guess it is kinda silly isn't it?"

Adam put his arms around me. "No. It wasn't silly. It was beautiful. Do you really feel that way about me?"

I laughed. "Of course I do. I've had a huge crush on you since grade school."

"You did not. I always thought you were too smart to even talk to me back then."

"I did. I'm going to look for that aspirin. Go brush your teeth so that you can kiss me. I need to feel close to you right now. I need to know that at least something's real."

He squeezed my hand. "What we have will always be real. I'll always be there when you need me."

When he walked to the bathroom, I was tempted to make a dirty remark about how cute his bare butt was, but I wasn't in the mood. I dug in my purse and was only able to find a bottle of Midol but I had several peppermints. I popped a peppermint in my mouth and wondered if I could trick Adam into taking a Midol since they had a pain reliever, but decided against it. I figured his parents probably had some aspirin or ibuprofen around somewhere anyway.

Adam came back and I handed him a peppermint. When he stuck it in his mouth, I could see that he was doing that thing with his tongue that drives me crazy. "Did you find any aspirin? I couldn't find any in the bathroom. My head doesn't hurt as bad as it did, but this is crazy huh?"

"Yeah. No, I don't have any aspirin. I only have these." I showed him the bottle. He made a face.

"No way am I taking those. They might give me a period or something."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah right. Will you kiss me? You did brush your teeth didn't you?"

He shook his head at me. "I gargled and then I brushed my teeth twice. I don't really taste that bad after I smoke do I?"

"No. I just like you much better when you don't smoke. It's bad for you anyway."

"I know." Adam put his arms around me and we were soon making out.

I was breathless when he pulled away several minutes later and my headache had faded almost completely. "Does your head feel better?"

Adam gave me kind of a funny look but then he said "Yeah it does. That is so weird." He grinned then. "How much do you wanna bet that if we have sex again, both our headaches will be completely gone?"

I made a face at him. "Why do guys always have to say that they're having sex? When you love someone, isn't it supposed to be making love?"

"Most of the time we do make love. Sometimes, I think it's okay to just have sex with someone even if you do love them though."

"Yeah. I think you're right. I think that if we have sex again, both of us will feel much better."

Adam laughed. "You just said it. You want to have sex. Are you sure you don't want to try that thing that you told me about?"

"Maybe next time."

"Really?" Adam's grin was huge as he turned to get a condom out of his nightstand.

I put my hand on his arm. "Yeah. Can we skip the condom just this once? I want to feel your skin next to mine."

"Are you sure Rie? I know you're on birth control, but you've always wanted to be extra careful. I know you don't want a baby right now."

"I'll be very proud to be the mother of as many babies as you want to have when we're both ready Adam. I just think that it's important that we be skin to skin this time okay? Don't ask me to explain it because I don't think I can."

Adam shrugged. "I love you Rie, don't ever doubt that okay?"

"I'll try not to."

When we made love the second time that day, it was the most incredible feeling I'd ever had in my life. It wasn't just that I had a really intense orgasm. I'd had orgasms before. And you probably didn't need to hear about that.

But anyway, it was like fireworks went off in my head when we made love. I saw all these really beautiful things that I hadn't known existed before. I can't really describe it, but Adam felt it too. When we were finished, he kinda collapsed back onto his side of the bed and just laid there.

I asked him if he was okay. He looked up at me with this kinda dopey look in his eyes and said "Oh yeah, I'm okay. My head doesn't hurt at all anymore. I think I saw stars or alternate worlds that were full of nothing but beauty when I um you know. I thought that the house was falling down around our heads when you called out my name. Damn Rie, I think all the dogs in the neighborhood are still barking you were so loud. I feel like I smoked the best strain of weed ever invented and was flying so high that I made love to you all night. Now that was making love. If itt can always be that good, I never want to just have sex with you again."

I rolled my eyes at him. He kissed my hand and said "Didn't you feel it too? I know you did babe. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. That was fantastic. It was spectacular. Hell it was even better because I don't think there are words to describe what just went on between our bodies."

I shrugged. "So we had really good sex Adam. We always have good sex because you never pressure me when I'm not in the mood. I had to beg you to make love to me the first time; because you were afraid my dad was going to kill you if he found out we were having sex."

"No Rie. It wasn't just that we had good sex and you know it. This stuff is all a little weird but please don't think that I'm going to stop loving you because some crazy stuff is going on. I'll always love you, no matter what."

I turned away from him. I wasn't sure that I could say what I needed to say to him, but I knew that it had to be said. "But what if I made you feel that way? Like I made my mom cook what I wanted her to for dinner all those times."

Adam put his arms around me. "Baby, I don't know exactly what this gift is that you have, but you are too good for it to be a bad thing. You can't make someone love you if they don't no matter what you do."

I wanted to cry. "I'm scared Adam. This dream that I had, what if it was real? What if I really hurt somebody? I used to think that I was a good person too, but now I'm not so sure."

He kissed me. "You had a bad dream. Everyone has them. Maybe you should try to cut back on the horror for a while and try to write stuff that is a little bit happier. I never understood why you're so down all the time. It's like when your mom started to get over some of the pain from her past, you were born and took some of it on."

"I'm not unhappy Adam. I just have a hard time looking at the bright side all the time I guess. I know that life is beautiful. I know that I'm really lucky to have the life that I have. My parents are wonderful, my brothers and sister are all great, and I've never wanted for anything. I think that for some reason I was born a pessimist. Maybe when my mom was pregnant with me, she was so scared that she was going to lose me that she couldn't help passing some of that on to me when I was born. I don't know. What if that lady really did die?"

"Honey, even if by some crazy chance that lady did die, it had nothing to do with you."

"But what if it did Adam? I feel like I never woke up from my nightmare. It feels like I'm living inside of it."

Adam took my hand and pulled me to my feet. He gave me a long, slow kiss and then held me for several minutes. When he pulled back he said "C'mon. Let's go take a shower. Then I'll make us some hot cocoa with ice cream on top. I know how much you love that."

"I do, but would you mind just holding me for a while in bed? I feel really drained all of a sudden and my headache is starting to come back. Is yours?"

Adam shook his head. "No. I still feel great. I'll hold you whenever you want me to. You know that my arms are always open for you babe. Are you sure you don't want to take a shower first?"

"No. We'll take one after. I hope we don't fall asleep. I'm supposed to be home for dinner."

"I'll set the alarm on my phone okay?"

"Okay. Thank you."

We crawled back into bed. I settled myself against Adam's chest as soon as he had set the alarm on his phone and returned it to the night table. "I have no idea how I'm going to be able to sleep without you tonight," I said. "I feel so strange."

I could tell Adam was smiling when he said "I'll sneak in your window again and sneak back out early in the morning."

"Mmm. Sounds good to me. I love you Adam." My eyes were already closed.

"I love you too, Rie."

Chapter 2

I woke up not to the sound of Adam's alarm but to my mom's ringtone on my phone. It's kinda corny but it says 'Warning it's your Mom.' Dad's says 'Warning it's your Dad' and our home phone's says 'Warning it's the parental units.'

I groaned as I reached for my purse. "Adam I thought you set your alarm? Why is my Mom calling me?"

I grabbed my phone and answered just before it went to voicemail. "Hi Mom."

"Hello Ariel. I hope I'm not interrupting something." There was a smile in her voice.

"No. I'm sorry. I fell asleep at Adam's house while we were studying. I got a headache again this afternoon, but it's gone now."

"Uh huh. Dinner is almost ready. You can bring Adam if you'd like, but he'll need to leave long before you have a chance to 'fall asleep' again."

"We really did fall asleep. I swear. You can ask Adam."

Adam grinned at me. His alarm suddenly went off. I shook my head.

"I don't believe that your boyfriend would be any more truthful with me about you two doing nothing in his bed besides falling asleep than you've been. I know his parents are out of town."

I sighed. "Yeah Mom, you know me too well. Don't tell Dad okay? I don't think he's ever going to get used to the fact that his little girl is having sex."

"You will always be your daddy's little girl-mine too. He's busy helping Billy with a school project. If you two hurry up, maybe he won't notice that you're late for dinner."

"Thanks Mom. I love you."

"I love you too, Ariel. Hurry home."

"I will. Bye Mom."

"Goodbye Ariel."

I hung up the phone and looked at Adam. "Do you think we have time for a quick shower?"

"I don't know Rie. We don't usually do very well at getting clean before we start to get dirty again when we're in the shower together."

I shook my head at him. "We've gotten plenty dirty today. C'mon. Does your mom have a blow dryer? Mom said that Dad's distracted right now, but he'll know we did it if my hair is too wet."

"Yeah, there's one in their bathroom. We'll take a shower in there. I have to tell Mike about the sex we had today. He's never gonna believe that I gave you the world's most intense orgasm."

I gave him a dirty look. "Don't you dare tell Mike about that. And your orgasm was pretty intense too. I thought you were going to pull a clump of my hair out."

Adam gave me an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry babe. I think you left marks on my back."

"We're even then. You didn't pull too much of my hair out and I don't think that I made you bleed. Let's take a quick shower and get outta here."

"Okay."

We managed to take a quick shower. I spent a few minutes with Adam's mom's hair dryer while he got dressed. My mom didn't call again so I figured that my dad was still occupied with my brother and that we were still relatively safe. I dressed quickly and we were soon on our way to my house.

Dad was at the table in the dining room with Billy and Bobby when we walked in. We never use our dining room to eat unless it's a special occasion or we're having some kind of a get together because our kitchen is huge. There's more than enough room for our family and the occasional guest. I could smell dinner and headed to help Mom set the table, but Dad gave me a dirty look on the way by. I went over to him and put my arms around him and kissed his cheek.

"I love you Daddy."

"I know you do pumpkin, but don't think that you can sweet talk me out of being upset with you so easily. Your brother's project is driving me crazy. Do you think that you and Adam could take a look after dinner? Even Mom is lost and you know how artistic she is. I think I might be able to overlook the fact that you 'fell asleep' with your boyfriend again, if you helped your brother."

I hid a smile. "Sure Dad."

"Thanks kiddo. Go help your mom finish up in the kitchen please."

I helped my mom finish dinner and Adam set the table. Adam made sure that he sat as far away from my dad as possible. I think my dad thought it was funny, since he was stuck between Billy and Bobby, who were both talking his ear off.

We were able to help Billy finish his project after dinner. Well Adam was anyway, because I certainly didn't understand what the point of it was. Adam left soon after. He gave me a quick kiss goodnight. I knew that he would be back when my parents went to sleep, and the very thought comforted me.

We didn't say anything when we parted because my dad was outside on the front porch, smoking a cigarette. He doesn't do it very often because it drives my mom crazy since it was really hard for her to quit smoking. But I don't think it was the fact that he was pretty sure that I was still having sex with Adam that made him smoke that night. I think it was because the fact that he wasn't able to help my brother with his school project made him feel old. Dad doesn't like to feel old, even if he is the father of three teenagers.

I went to my room and folded and put away the laundry that Mom had done for me. I try to do it myself, but sometimes I'm not the best at keeping up. It's like I'm in another world when I'm writing and time passes really quickly. Mom understands that even better than Dad does since she paints and draws. He writes scripts for TV shows, and every once in a while does a live comedy show with the guys that he used to be on TV with.

Mom let all three of us kids watch a videotape she'd made of them one night. I think Dad knows, but it's just one of those things that's better left unsaid I guess. What I won't tell my mom or my dad is that I think a couple of the guys he was on that show with are still really hot. It's totally weird to think that guys that are your dad's age are hot, but at least I can be honest with myself about it.

I tried to write for a while but I felt my headache coming back. I took an aspirin and lay down. I was half asleep when Adam knocked at my window. I live by myself in the basement, and my window is huge, so there's no problem for Adam to sneak in and drop down onto the chair that I put underneath the window for that purpose.

I gave him a big smile and opened the window. He climbed in and I shut my light off so that my parents would think I was asleep. Adam parks his car down the block at his friend Shane's house when he sneaks in my window. Shane is twenty-one and has two kids, so he totally understands what it's like to be a teenager in love or at least a horny teenager anyway.

Adam was in his pajamas and so was I of course so we climbed into my bed. I sort of wanted to make out at least for a little while, and we did kiss, but I still felt drained and Adam could sense it, so he let it go at once lengthy kiss, and then he just held me.

I had my second strange dream that night. I woke up around two o'clock in the morning and sat up so fast that Adam almost fell off the edge of my bed.

"What is it babe?" He whispered. "Did you hear somebody coming walking around upstairs?"

I shook my head. "No. I had another bad dream. Except it was worse this time Adam, because I killed two people this time. I think I sort of know who they were this time though."

"Okay. So tell me what happened."

I was really glad that he was there with me, but I was starting to wonder if he would really always love me. "My mom was really upset for a long time after she lost custody of my sister and brothers. She signed a lot of petitions, and she was really outspoken on her blog and social networks. She even wrote a book, so I know the names of the people that were involved in the case when she and her ex-husband lost their kids. This was a while ago, so a lot of these people don't have the same jobs or they've retired or whatever, but most of them still got in at least a few more good years of helping tear families apart before they stopped. Yeah, I know CPS is there for a reason and no system is perfect. But it's not like my mom's family was the only one that got torn apart like that when there wasn't a really good reason for it. Anyway, in my dream this time, I killed two people. One of them was the judge that terminated my mom and her ex husband's parental rights and the other one was their last social worker."

"Rie, I think you're just stressed. Stress does weird things to people. It kinda makes sense that if you're going to dream about killing some random woman that you'd dream about killing somebody who wasn't so random the next time. Your mom is wonderful, but it's not hard to see where the dark stuff you write about sometimes comes from. I think she's happy now and I know that she loves you and your brothers and your dad, but your mom's pictures can be kind of dark sometimes. Don't get me wrong, she's really talented and they're still beautiful even when they are dark, but. . . "

I sighed. "I know. I think that when my mom draws and paints like that, it's not because she wants to share the darkness that she has inside of her. I think it's because she wants to let people know that we've all got at least a little bit inside and that it's okay to let it out in a harmless way, like drawing or writing like I do sometimes. It's not meant to hurt anybody, and I know that it helps me when I'm upset to write a little darker than usual. It's kept me from kicking Billy and Bobby's butts for being little jerks and from starting an argument with my parents because they're being nosy again."

Adam squeezed my hand. "I'm sure that's all it is. You're just feeling stressed about your sister losing her kids and all of this other stuff popped back up. How is your sister by the way?"

"I don't know. I don't think she's called my mom again. She doesn't deserve to lose her kids Adam, especially not forever."

"I know babe. It's gonna be okay. Do you want to try to go back to sleep or do you want to fool around until I have to leave?"

"I wish you didn't have to leave. But my dad would shoot us both if you came up the stairs with me and said good morning like you belong in my bed. I think you belong in my bed or that we belong in the same bed anyway, but I don't think we're going to convince your parents or mine of that before we graduate. I can't wait until we graduate."

"Me too."

He kissed me and we were soon making out. By the time he had to go, I really wanted to have sex, but we knew that it wasn't worth getting caught. My dad was sure to ground me at least twice as long if he caught us having sex again, especially when Adam wasn't supposed to be there. My dad gets up early in the mornings too, so that's another reason Adam makes sure to sneak out so early.

He gave me one last kiss and said "I love you Rie. Try not to think so much okay? Sometimes I think so much goes on in your head that your brain never slows down."

"I'm a writer Adam. Of course my brain never sits still. I don't want it to. That will mean that my muse has left me."

He rolled his eyes. "You artistic types are kinda weird sometimes. Try not to think too much about your dream. I'm sure you'll feel better when your nephews are at home with your sister and Kevin where they belong. I gotta get outta here. I can't run into your dad when he's out for his run or he really will shoot me."

I smiled. "It was so funny last time though wasn't it? At least you didn't run into him until you were almost all the way back to Shane's house."

"Uh huh. Bye babe. I'll see you at school."

"Bye Adam. I love you. Thank you for putting up with my craziness."

"I love you too babe. If you still feel weird after lunch we'll cut our afternoon classes okay?"

"We can't do that. Don't they call your parents?"

"Not our school. You can forge a note for me and I can forge a note for you. No one will ever know."

"I don't know Adam. I hope that I feel better so we don't have to worry about it."

He kissed me and then climbed out my window. When he was gone, I wondered if I could go back to sleep. I still had an hour and a half before I had to wake up, but I was afraid that I was going to have another bad dream. I tried to work on my story for a while. When that didn't work; I got dressed and went upstairs. My dad wasn't around, but my mom was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee.

She looked up at me and said "Are you okay Ariel?"

"I'm fine Mom. I just had a bad dream. Do you ever have dreams that are so vivid that it's almost like you're really there and you wake up thinking that what you did in the dream really happened?"

"Well, not usually quite that vivid, but I have had many dreams that have turned into paintings after I woke up. Maybe you have another story that wants to pop up in your head and you've been ignoring it so that you could concentrate on something else. That's when I usually dream about things that my mind wants me to paint much more than I'm consciously aware of. I wouldn't be surprised if it's the same way with you. We are more alike than even I'd like to admit sometimes."

"I don't mind being like you Mom. I'd love to be as successful with my writing someday as you've become with your painting."

"Honey, your mother still has a lot of darkness inside. Sometimes I think that it looks out through my eyes all too often. Your father is so much more optimistic and able to see beauty everywhere. I would so much rather you'd inherited that from him than my pessimism. Your brothers seem to be what can sometimes be a strange combination of both, but you seem so melancholy sometimes that it breaks my heart. It always has."

"I'm not really sad Mom. I love my life. I'm very blessed and I know that. I love you and I love Dad and Billy and Bobby. I love my friends and I love Adam so much sometimes that it scares me. It almost hurts to be away from him. I don't know what I'm gonna do if we don't get into the same school."

"You'll survive sweetheart. I worry about you sometimes too. You were so down when you two broke up last year that I think I spoiled you for a couple weeks and gave less of my attention to your brothers than they deserved."

I hid a smile. "I know Mom and I'm sorry. I'll try not to be so attached to Adam, but it's hard. I love him so much."

"I know you do sweetie. I think that you two will make it through whatever life throws at you. Do you want to tell me about your dream?"

I shook my head. "It makes me feel weird, like a bad person; to even have thoughts like that."

"It's okay to have less than perfect thoughts sometimes. We are only human. Sometimes it makes you feel better to talk about things, but I'm not going to pressure you. Just know that your father and I are always here if you need to talk to us about anything, and I mean anything. Though you might be better off talking about sex with me, since your father does seem to get a little weird even when your brothers bring it up."

I let my smile out. "He does doesn't he?"

"Who does what?" my dad said. He came into the kitchen and kissed first my mom on the lips and then me on the forehead.

My mom smiled. "You don't want to know Darren. Our daughter was asking me about a new style of feminine product."

Dad made a face. "You're right. I didn't need to know that. What's for breakfast Lis?"

My mom's name is Melissa. She said "I thought it was your turn to make breakfast. Haven't the boys been bugging you about making chocolate chip waffles?"

"Yeah. You wanna help me Ari?"

"Sure."

So I helped my Dad make waffles and I helped him drag my lazy little brothers out of bed so that they could eat a real breakfast before they had to go catch the bus and go to school.

Dad drives me to school because the bus for the high school won't come out to our house for some reason. Adam used to give me a ride to school but the school called my parents because we were late for class so many times. We had a bad habit of getting to school really early but spending so much time making out in his car in the parking lot that we were almost always late for class anyway. So Dad decided that it was a better idea for him to start driving me to school again. I don't think he minds. Since him and Mom both work at home and his office is right next to her studio, they spend a LOT of time together. Sometimes, I think they drive each other a little crazy even though they really love each other.

Dad dropped me off at school. By that time, my headache was really starting to build up again. I took another aspirin, but I was afraid that I was going to end up skipping school with Adam that afternoon if it didn't truly let up before then. I had only skipped school once before, with a friend of mine in Jr. High. I had gotten caught and told on when we were dumb enough to walk on main streets when we were walking to her house during school hours.

I didn't see Adam until lunchtime since we don't have any classes together until after lunch. By then I wanted to cry my head hurt so bad. I had taken another two aspirin but my head was still pounding. Adam took one look at me and led me out of the school and to his car. He spent a good five minutes massaging my head and my shoulders before he bothered to start his car. Mike knocked on his window and asked if we were going out for lunch. Adam shook his head and handed Mike a five and told him to go catch a ride with someone else. Normally I gripe at Adam when he loans Mike money since Mike hardly ever pays him back, but that day I was feeling too worn out to bother.

As he pulled out of the parking lot I said "When are your parents going to be home?"

"Not until Monday. You wanna have another sleepover tonight?"

My smile felt forced, even though I always loved falling asleep in Adam's arms. "I don't know. I want to lie down and it's no fun in the backseat of your car."

"Yeah, I noticed that when you went through your little phase."

You can probably guess what my phase was, and yes it does involve sex. "Maybe you should take me home. My mom can take care of me. I think she secretly loves it when one of us gets sick because she feels like none of her kids need her to take care of them like they used to. My dad will always need her to take care of him though. He whines so bad when he's sick."

Adam laughed. "I'll take you home if you want, but I can take care of you babe. I can make you soup. I'll massage all of the stress out of your body even if you're not naked."

I laughed. "Thank you. How can you be so sweet and so perverted at the same time?"

"Because I'm a guy and I love you."

Adam reached over and squeezed my hand when he stopped the stoplight that's only a few blocks from his house. "I love you too. Sometimes I don't know what I'd ever do without you."

"You won't have to worry about that babe, because I'd walk through hell and back for you."

That sticks in my head as I sit here right now. My mom has gone to sleep, and I'm trying not to disturb her with my incessant typing on my laptop. I wonder if Adam really will walk through hell with me. I'm afraid that a little piece of it has come into my life. But let me get back to the last few weeks and then I'll catch back up to the present.

Adam pulled in behind his house and we went in the back door. It was still technically our lunch hour, but we both knew that his car wasn't going to move until long after school hours since I had convinced my parents that we had a big test to study for and would order a pizza for dinner. My dad wasn't thrilled and wanted us to study at our house, but Mom gave him a look. He got convinced quickly because my brothers were both hanging out with friends after school. My parents are both too wrapped up in their work to think about sex during the day, but I know that they enjoy the little time alone that they get at night.

Adam made us grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. We ate in the kitchen. Then he made himself a cup of cocoa and me a cup of tea and we took it up to his bedroom. I did get naked. I'll admit that there were some very intimate moments when he gave me a massage, but we didn't have sex. I took another aspirin and I fell asleep in Adam's arms. I know he fell asleep too, because I startled him awake when I had yet another bad dream and almost screamed.

Adam pulled me back against his chest and kissed my forehead. "What did you dream about this time babe?"

I didn't want to tell him, because this had been the worst dream yet. I had gone on a rampage and taken the lives of three more CPS workers, and two lawyers. My head felt it wanted to split open and I was bathed in sweat. I knew that these were the rest of the people that had been at least partly responsible for breaking apart my mom's first family, but I still felt terrible, thinking about killing them. My mom had made her own peace with them, or at least I thought she had. I had no idea why I was suddenly dreaming about killing them.

"I don't want to tell you," I said. "It's too bad."

"Rie, nothing is so bad that you can't tell me. You can tell me anything. There's been stuff you've been embarrassed to talk to me about before but you still did it."

I know that he was probably thinking about something kinda gross that I had to explain to him. It really had been embarrassing but Adam and I did have a very open relationship for the most part. I think that I owe at least part of that to my parents. Not just because they're a good example, but because I've never had much of a problem talking to my parents about almost anything, and I don't think my brothers have either. Yeah, that probably means that they hear stuff they don't want to sometimes, but they asked for it.

I took two more aspirin with a sip of tea that had gone cold. Adam looked really concerned. I sighed and said "Okay, but this is getting too weird. I think I'm going crazy."

"You can be expected to be a little crazy with who your parents are Rie." I gave him a dirty look and he said "I'm only kidding. You're not going crazy Rie. Just having some really disturbing dreams. Have you talked to your mom or dad about this?"

"I talked to my mom this morning, but I didn't describe the dreams to her. I was too afraid she'd want to send me to a shrink."

"Hey, are you forgetting that my dad is a shrink?"

"Yeah, but he's one of the good ones. The last thing I want is to be stuck on some medication."

"Babe maybe it wouldn't hurt if you took sleeping pills or something for a while at least." Adam reached over and started to rub my neck again.

"Haven't you heard about the crazy things that people can do while they take those pills? I don't think that I need to think about doing more crazy stuff right now, so no thank you. My dad likes to drink sleepy time tea before bed and none of us kids will drink it with him anymore. Maybe I'll drink some with him after I go home tonight."

Adam was still rubbing my neck and my headache was starting to ease a little. I was also starting to get turned on like I'd been before. I didn't know if making love would be a good or a bad thing right then, but I am a horny teenager, so I turned and kissed him and said "Will you make love to me? I guess we'd probably better use a condom this time though."

Adam grinned. "I was kinda hoping you'd bring it up earlier but you seemed so tired. I told you that I have magic hands."

"You'd better only use your magic hands on me from now on."

"Of course baby. I've never given anyone except you a massage like that."

Adam hadn't been a virgin the first time we'd had sex. It was only once. It still kinda bugged me sometimes since he lost his virginity only two weeks before he got up the guts to ask me out or I sent him the mind wave in history class that I liked him, but I try not to let it get to me.

So we had sex and after we were finished we took a shower. My headache was starting to fade but after I got out of the shower, I got this horrible pain right between my eyes. I think I would have fallen down on the bathroom floor if Adam hadn't stepped out of the shower right then and caught me before I fell. He sat down on the bathroom floor and held my head in my lap. I looked up at him and said "I think you need to call my parents."

There had been a part of me that had hoped that my headache would go away when Adam and I made love like the day before, but while it had faded when our bodies were joined it was now hammering through my skull well like someone was in my skull and hitting me with a hammer. I had never experienced that kind of pain in my life before and I'd broken both my arms when I was a kid. Not at the same time; but you get my point.

"Are you sure Rie?"

I groaned. "I don't care if they know that we just got done having sex Adam. I think I need to go to the hospital. You can take me, but please call my parents and have them meet us there."

"Okay. Do you think you can get dressed by yourself?"

"It hurts to move Adam. I don't know if I can do anything."

Adam looked like he wanted to cry. "I'm so sorry babe. Can you sit up at least?"

"Yeah."

Adam helped me sit up and then left the room to retrieve our clothes. He pretty much dressed me that day. It was kind of humiliating, but it would have been totally humiliating if he was another guy.

Luckily it was a few minutes after school got out, so Adam didn't have to explain to my parents why we weren't in school when he called them. My dad wanted to talk to me, but I felt so bad that I couldn't stand to put the phone to my ear. I was sobbing by the time we were ready to leave. Adam picked me up and carried me down the stairs and out to his car. Sometimes there are even more reasons that it's nice to have a boyfriend that's so big.

My parents were awaiting at the emergency room by the time we got there. I could tell that Dad had been smoking. I could smell it on him when he took over for Adam and took the job of keeping me on my feet. Dad brought me inside and I heard Adam ask my mom if he could stay. She told him yes, and asked him to sit with my brothers in the waiting room. My head was still pounding. I wanted to go to sleep and shut it all out.

I laid my head on my dad's chest and closed my eyes. I could hear Adam talking with my brothers, and my parents talking around me. Dad stroked his hand over my hair. I knew at that moment that I couldn't have asked for parents that loved me more. I was terrified that I was dying with the way my head felt. I was glad to be surrounded by five of the people that I loved most in the world, even though I could hear Billy giving Adam crap because we both looked like we'd just gotten out of the shower.

Finally someone came back to take us to an examination room and I was able to lie back on the table. My head seemed to hurt a little less when I was laying down. My dad explained what was going on, and they asked if I'd taken any kind of medicine to relieve my headache. I told them how many aspirin I'd taken. I knew that my mom probably made a face, because she hardly ever takes medicine and swears by natural pain relievers, but I didn't bother to open my eyes.

When the nurse asked what I would rate my pain at on a scale of 1 to 10, I told her it was at a nine. That was only because I didn't want my parents to worry more than they already were, though. I felt my pain was at more like an 11 or 12. I wanted it to stop so badly.

The nurse left and said that a doctor would be back as soon as possible. I don't know how long it took because my concept of time was totally shot by that point. I do know that my dad left and Adam traded my mom places for a while. He kissed my cheek and I could feel the slight scratch of his stubble and smell his cologne. I opened my eyes and they filled with tears. He looked so concerned, I was sure he would have taken at least half of my pain on himself if he could have if not all of it. I don't think I'd ever loved him more before that moment.

"This is probably a dumb question Rie, but how are you feeling?"

I laughed and then I winced because it made my head hurt worse for a few seconds. "I feel like shit Adam. Total and complete shit. I don't think I've ever hurt this bad in my life."

He squeezed my hand. "I am so sorry babe. Are you gonna tell the doctor about the weird dreams that you've been having?"

"Why? It's not like the doctor is a shrink."

Adam shrugged. "It just seems like you've been getting these headaches since your dreams started you know?"

"Yeah, but I don't think that they can be connected like that. And there's no way in hell I'm telling the doctor about what happened when we had sex yesterday either."

Adam laughed. "Yeah, probably not a good idea."

"Do you know where my dad went?"

"I think he went to buy cigarettes. You've got both your parents, your brothers and I totally stressed out."

"My brothers? Yeah right. I heard Billy giving you shit because everyone knew we'd just had sex."

"Yeah, it's probably a good thing your dad didn't hear that conversation."

The doctor walked in, followed by my mom. Adam kissed my cheek gently and whispered "I love you Rie," into my ear.

I said "I love you too Adam," aloud because I didn't care who heard. Adam gave my mom a sheepish smile and left the room.

The doctor asked about my headaches and handed me a paper cup with two pills in it and a glass of water. He asked how long I'd been getting headaches like this and if anything in particular seemed to be bringing them on. There was no way I was going to tell him that Adam and I had had sex before this last one hit.

My mom brought up my bad dreams. I told them that I had had bad dreams but didn't elaborate further. The doctor asked if I had what I considered to be bad dreams often and I said no. He said he wanted to run some tests and that he would be back.

The pills did help a little but my head still feel like it wanted to split open. When the doctor was gone my mom sat down in a chair beside the bed and took my hand. She looked at me and said "Baby, will you tell me about your dreams please? I think it might make you feel at least a little better."

"I can't explain them to you Mom. Besides, I think they might make you feel bad. I don't want you to feel any worse than you already do."

"Ariel Rose, I don't want you to worry about anyone besides yourself right now. And I don't want you to ever feel like you need to protect me from anything sweetheart. Your mama's one tough cookie in case you haven't noticed."

I gave her a weak smile. "I'll tell you about the dreams but is it okay if I ask you a question first? It's about sex. I didn't want to ask while Dad was around."

"Okay."

"Um, it might sound kind of strange, but I'm going to try to explain it the best I can. I guess you probably already know that Adam and I had sex yesterday and today. Yesterday something that was strange and pretty wonderful at the same time happened. I told Adam about my dream and some other stuff and we tried this thing, it was nothing sexual and it wasn't drugs or anything. But we both ended up with a headache afterwards. Well, we made out for a while and both of our headaches started to fade, so being the brilliant and already horny teenagers that we are, we thought that if our headaches started to go away with us just making out, they'd totally go away if we had sex right? And they did. Well, went away for a while and when it came back it wasn't as bad. Adam's went away completely. This is the really weird part and forgive me because you probably don't want to hear this-but when we had sex it was like the best sex ever. And I'm not kidding when I say that. You can ask Adam, although he probably won't tell you, because it's weird enough for me to be telling my own mother about this, let alone having my boyfriend tell you. But um, have you ever had an experience like that with Dad?"

My mom hid a smile. "Well, you probably don't want to hear this either, but there was a night in particular that your father and I had an experience like that yes. I believe that it was the night that I got pregnant with you. I swear I saw stars in my head, and fireworks and things that were so beautiful that I couldn't understand them, let alone describe them. Your father felt it, but he didn't see any of the things that I did because he well, he keeps his eyes open and mine are usually closed. You are being safe aren't you Ariel?"

"I take my birth control pills and we usually use condoms too, but we didn't that time. Um, do you think that it was just the you know, and not anything really weird then? Because I saw stuff like that in my head too. So did Adam."

"I think that I passed the strange piece of myself on to you darling. I don't believe that other people have experiences quite like that. I believe that if some people did, they'd be forever making love to try to recreate those perfect moments." I smiled and Mom said "Are you ready to tell me about your dreams now that we've told each other things that your boyfriend and your father would probably prefer it if we hadn't shared?"

I laughed. "I love you Mom. My first dream was of this lady that I've never seen before, but I knew her name. I was behind her in this parking lot. I called out her name. When she turned around I went over to her and killed her somehow. I have no idea how, but she was dead. That was when I had my first bad headache, but it went away by itself. Well, I had another bad dream last night. This one was worse because I sort of knew who the people I killed that time were."

"Who were they baby?"

"The judge that terminated your parental rights and your last social worker. I know their names from reading your book, well maybe not your book since you didn't name names, but some other stuff that you wrote online before you met dad and you were really upset."

"Oh baby. I think the fact that your nephews are still in foster care is upsetting everyone. Summer is going out of her mind, but luckily Kevin is standing by her more than he ever has before, so he might be redeemed in my eyes yet. Even your brothers are upset because you know how much they love being uncles whether they like to admit it or not. I know that your sister losing the kids temporarily, and yes Ariel it is going to be temporary kiddo, I will do everything in my power to make sure that is so; has stirred up old feelings for me but I didn't think that it would affect everyone around me so much. I don't want to pass my bad feelings onto you or your brothers or your dad or your half brothers or half sister. I made my peace with what happened in the past baby. Or at least I accepted it and moved on with my life."

"I know Mom. I don't know why I had a dream like that. But the dream I had today was worse. Today I dreamed that I went on a regular rampage and took out three social workers and two lawyers, and yes they were all connected with your case."

"I'm so sorry baby. I know that not all parents have pasts that are admirable, but I do believe that mine is worse in some ways than most."

"It wasn't your fault Mom. You didn't do anything to deserve to have your kids taken away like that. I've read your court papers."

"Ariel, I really wish that you hadn't."

"But why Mom? Don't you think that I've heard it all at school before? The kids used to talk shit before they got tired of it. How you were such a bad mother that you lost your first kids and you were trying to make up for it with me and the boys. How you made all that money from your book and lost a bunch of weight and got all hot and stole Dad from his ex wife. How you guys were having an affair even though you were still both married. How you thought that if you caught yourself a man with enough money and had more kids there was no way they'd ever take them away. You know that time in grade school that you and Dad got called because I was fighting? Well, I told you and the principal that I punched that boy because he kept looking up my skirt on the playground, but it was really because he wouldn't stop talking crap about you."

"Oh Ariel." My mother let out a huge sigh. "If you want complete honesty baby, some of what the kids said was right. I do try to make up for the things that I couldn't give Summer and the boys with you and your brothers. And your father and I were both still married when we started seeing each other. But my marriage had been over long before then and so had his. I don't like to think that you have to fight battles because of mistakes that your parents made."

"You and Dad are the best parents in the world. I'd defend either of you any day."

Mom squeezed my hand. "Thank you baby. I'll be right back. I want to see if Dad has made it back. I may take the boys home. They're going stir crazy even with their cell phones and handheld video games. Sometimes I wish either of them liked to read half as much as you do. I don't know how long you're going to be here sweet pea, but I don't suppose that I'm going to be able to convince Adam to go home, even to our house am I?"

I smiled. "No. I don't think so. Mom?"

"Yes Ariel?"

"Adam and I skipped school this afternoon. I was still feeling really crappy. I know that I should have come home, but I wanted him to hold me."

Mom gave me a smile that held a trace of sadness. "I still find the best shelter to be in your father's arms too, baby. I kind of figured that you had left school early since you'd managed to take a nap, have sex and shower by a few minutes after three thirty. Thank you for being honest with me. I'll straighten it out with the school and try to talk to Adam's parents to soften the blow."

"Thanks Mom. I love you."

"I love you too baby. Daddy or I will be right back. I hope the doctor gets back soon too. I hate to see one of my babies in so much pain."

"I know you do Mom. I really couldn't ask for better parents. I mean it."

"Thank you baby. We couldn't have asked for better children either." Mom squeezed my hand one last time and then she left the room.

Dad came back in a few minutes later followed closely by the doctor. The doctor asked how my head was feeling. I told him that the pain was still pretty hard to bear. He said that they were going to admit me to the hospital and run some tests. I wasn't thrilled with the idea. Dad said he'd be right back and disappeared into the hall with the doctor. I'm not quite sure how Dad managed to talk them into letting Adam stay too, but I did hear him mention the words "future son-in-law".

So they moved me into a room that was private luckily. Dad had a roll out bed that was set up on one side of my bed and one for Adam was set up on the other. When my Dad went to sleep, I begged Adam to lay with me for a little while. The bed was small, I wasn't hooked up to an IV or anything. I didn't see what harm it would do. A nurse had given me another pill for pain. It had helped a little bit, but I still didn't think that there was any way I was going to sleep that night unless Adam held me for at least a little while.

Well, I'm guessing you can probably guess how well that went, since I did fall asleep but so did Adam. My dad kicked him out of my bed when he woke up. He didn't yell because I woke up too, and my head still hurt, but I could see that he wanted to.

He left the room after that and Adam and I snuck in a few stolen kisses. Dad smelled like cigarette smoke when he came back. They brought me breakfast and Dad took Adam to the cafeteria. I was a little nervous, and I could tell that Adam was too, but they both looked fine when they came back. Adam wouldn't tell me what they talked about later, but I can guess that it probably included my dad extracting a promise from Adam that he'd marry me if I got pregnant.

Mom came back and. She'd called both the school and Adam's parents. They'd excused him from school that day too. Adam looked so relieved. Mom made him go home for a while to take a shower because he'd forgotten to put deodorant on the night before. She teased him that he smelled.

By lunchtime they had run a bunch of tests on me. The ones that had results that the doctor could see right away told them that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. They were talking about writing me a prescription for something to ease the pain and sending me home. I wanted to go. I think that most people would totally rather be in their own bed feeling like crap than in a hospital bed, but they hadn't officially released me by lunchtime so I tried to eat the cruddy hospital food. Mom promised that she'd cook anything I wanted for dinner that night and that we could stop for ice cream on the way home. She and Dad headed off to the cafeteria, and left me alone with Adam.

We took advantage of being alone again and made out for a good fifteen minutes. My head started to hurt a lot less. I truly wanted to jump his bones, but knew that it would be downright dumb to try.

They released me soon after. Dad didn't complain when Mom said that Adam could go home with us. I was still tired, so I wanted to go to my room and sleep but Dad made me lie down on the couch. I knew that he didn't want to come to my room to check on me and find Adam and I curled up together like he had that morning. Mom and Dad both left us alone and the boys headed up to their rooms with no protest after they got home from school.

Bobby even kissed me on the cheek. Neither of my brothers had kissed me in years. Billy made a face at him, but he said that he hoped I felt better soon.

I fell asleep with my head in Adam's lap. By the time I woke up, my headache was almost completely gone. I still halfway thought that it would disappear completely if we made love, but I knew there was no way either of my parents were going to let us sneak off together to have sex, and I'd been proven wrong the day before about the whole sex thing.

I was thinking about what Mom had told me about the time she had seen fireworks and all the weird stuff like I had when she'd had sex with Dad. I wanted to tell Adam about it, but it was still kind of weird to think about. It's one thing to know that your parents have sex, because that's pretty darned obvious since they created you, but it's another thing completely to know that you and your mom shared some one time weird sexual. . . Hell, I didn't know what to call it then and I still don't now.

Mom made dinner. The boys were quieter than usual. I guess maybe they were worried about me. Mom and Dad both went to work after that and Billy and Bobby did the dishes without asking even though it was my turn. I read for a while in the living room while Adam watched TV, but it started to make my head hurt again. I kissed him goodbye and took a pain pill and went to bed. Billy gave me a hug, which was totally weird, but I appreciated it.

Adam knocked on my window at a little before eleven. I let him in and we crawled into bed together and didn't wake up until his alarm went off.

Chapter 3

I stayed home from school the next day and helped Mom catch up on laundry. It was a pretty boring day and I was glad to return to school the next day.

After school, Adam dropped me off at home because he had to work. He has a couple of very part time jobs and jumps at the chance to make some extra money.

Mom got a phone call after dinner. This is where the second part of the really weird stuff in my life started to happen. Summer was on the phone. She was in a very good mood because her boys had been released to her and Kevin's custody earlier that day. Everyone was thrilled, but the weird part was why the kids had been released.

The CPS worker that had taken her kids away had died and the children that could be returned home safely were. Summer's case was passed on to another worker. He believed that there was no valid reason for the boys to be out of their parents' custody and was going to request to close their case at their next hearing as long as they had completed the parenting classes and both tested clean from drugs.

We all went out for ice cream to celebrate. That's when I heard Mom talking to Dad about the CPS worker. I was sitting at a table with my brothers because they're too "cool" to sit with our parents most of the time when we go out. I get stuck sitting with them so they don't act like total jerks in public.

I was texting Adam since he was off work, and only half paying attention to anything around me. Billy and Bobby were both involved in video games so they were fine. I didn't care if my ice cream melted a little because I like it that way. I almost choked on the bite I had taken of my ice cream when I heard my mom say the name Penny though.

I looked at Mom and said "Mom, I didn't mean to eavesdrop on your conversation, but did you say that Summer's CPS worker was named Penny?"

"Yes sweetie I did. Why?"

"Um, I'll talk to you about it when we get home okay?"

Dad gave me a concerned look but Mom said "Okay."

I went back to my ice cream and my texting. I didn't tell Adam about the name thing, because I wanted to talk to Mom about it first.

We left a few minutes after. Dad helped the boys with their homework in the dining room while I sat in the kitchen with Mom. She made us both a glass of ice tea and we sat down at the table.

"Baby, are you okay?"

I bit my lip. "I don't know Mom. My first dream, the one that had the woman in it that I'd never seen before, well her name was Penny. I have a very bad feeling that she was Summer's CPS worker and that I'm the one that killed her."

Mom reached across the table and squeezed my hand. "Ariel Rose, don't be ridiculous. Whatever happened to that woman has nothing to do with you."

"What did happen to her? Do they know how she died?"

"I don't believe that many details have been released to the general public yet sweetheart. Summer told me that she passed away. She may very well have died from natural causes."

"But what if she didn't Mom? What if what happened in my dream really happened because she wasn't ever going to give Summer the boys back? What if when my headache got really bad, that's when I killed her with my crazy brain?"

Mom got up and came around the table and put her arms around me. "Oh baby. We're going to find out what caused your headaches okay?" She kissed my forehead. "Does your head still hurt?"

"Sometimes I think it's going to start again, but it hasn't come back anywhere near as badly. I'm scared Mom. What if my dream was real and the cops come knocking on our door to arrest me because they found a piece of my hair that I left behind somehow when I killed her?"

"Honey, nothing like that it going to happen because you didn't do anything wrong. It's a coincidence that you happened to dream about that woman dying before she did. Believe me Ariel, sometimes I think that if I could do something like that with my brain, I would have gotten rid of most of the people that you dreamed about killing a long time ago. This Penny I fear would have fought to take the boys away from Summer and Kevin permanently. While I'm not glad that she's died, I am glad that they were given a new worker who seems much more understanding of their case and who will do right by them instead of chasing a bonus to put my grandbabies up for adoption."

"But you wouldn't have Mom. I know that no matter how much pain you were in, you would never have hurt somebody else, or taken someone's life."

Mom sighed. "Sweetheart, I had many a dark thought for a very long time. There were times that I believe if one more crappy thing had happened to me in a particular day or a particular week or sometimes even a particular year that I would have done something that I very much would have regretted later on. I don't know so much about taking someone's life, but I believe that if I had met our last judge or one of our case workers or lawyers in a dark alley, I may have chosen to take my aggression out on someone's face."

"Yeah okay, so you might have beat the crap out of someone who took your kids away when they didn't have a good reason. I get that. You would have gone to jail and have a criminal record and that would be that. You probably would have even felt a little bit better after you did it. Not that that makes it right to beat someone up, but when someone does something to you like those people did to you, I can't blame you for wanting to kick someone's butt. I'm talking about really hurting someone. I think I killed her Mom. I think I killed this Penny lady with this weird thing in my brain so that my sister didn't have to go through what you went through."

"Ariel, do you want Daddy to come and talk to you? Sometimes I think that we're too much alike for me to talk you out of one of your moods."

"No offense Mom, but this isn't one of my moods. Can I go to my room? Does the internet work in the basement again?"

"I believe that your Dad fixed the problem with the router yes. Please promise me that you're not going to drive yourself crazy searching for information on this Penny woman. I have a natural supplement that will help you sleep if you want it."

I shook my head. "No thanks Mom. If I can't sleep maybe I'll come back up for it. Don't bother Dad. I think he's still stressed over my whole headache thing."

"Everyone is worried about you baby. Go to your room and try to get some sleep. If you decide you want the supplement, it's the green bottle with the blue label on top of the microwave. Sweet dreams Ariel. I love you."

"I love you too Mom."

I turned towards the stairs and Mom said "Ariel?"

"Yes Mom?"

"If you let Adam in your window tonight, make sure that he leaves extra early in the morning. Dad is going for an extra long run in the morning since he's missed several days now. And promise me that you won't do anything besides sleep."

I hid a smile. "I promise Mom. Goodnight."

I went to my room and pulled out my laptop. It picked up the signal from our WIFI, but it wasn't the greatest so I sat on the stairs as I searched for anything I could find on Penny's death. There wasn't much, but I did find a story that had been run by a local news channel where my sister lived that said a local child protective services worker had died around 3:00 two days before, and that the death was suspicious.

I groaned. My worst fears were coming true right before my eyes. I wanted to go tell my mom, but I was sure that she had probably already run her own search after we'd talked. I wondered if she was talking to Dad about me right then. If I had different parents, they might have thought of taking me straight to a psychiatrist, but my family is unique to say the least.

I shut down my laptop because I knew there was no way I was going to be able to concentrate on my writing that night, and pulled out my cell phone. I texted Adam 'Hey are you busy?'

'I'm never too busy for you babe. What's up?'

'I need to talk to you, but I want to tell you this in person. Can you come over? If you're really quiet, I think you can come now. Billy and Bobby should be in their rooms. I think my parents are probably up in theirs too.'

'Uh oh. Is everything okay Rie?'

'Not exactly. It's too much to explain in a text message. I love you. I'll see you soon okay?'

'I love you too Rie. I'll be there as soon as I can.'

Adam was at my window in fifteen minutes. I let him in and turned out my light. We curled up together in my bed. I let myself marvel for a minute at how much joy I could get out of simply being in Adam's arms. Finally, I leaned on my elbow and looked at him.

I took a deep breath and then let it out. "My sister's CPS worker died."

"Okay."

"Well, it's good news in a way because the boys are home now and they gave Summer and Kevin a new worker. It's pretty likely that their case will be closed when they go back to court. But that's not exactly what I wanted to talk to you about. This woman's name was Penny and she died around the time I got my really bad headache. I think she was the woman I saw in my dream. I killed her Adam."

"Babe, that's crazy. You can't kill people with your head. You didn't even know this woman."

"Yeah but she was messing with my sister's family. No one really knows everything that we can do with our brains because we only use such a small percentage of them. What if I somehow knew that Summer was going to go through the same thing that my mom did, and that she couldn't take it if this lady stayed her CPS worker and my brain didn't like it and killed her? I'm a murderer Adam."

Adam put his arms around me. "Rie you are not a murderer. I don't know what all of this stuff is that's been going on, but if you look for signs everywhere, you'll think that you see them when they're not there."

I shook my head. "It's not like that. How huge of a coincidence can it be that I got the worst headache of my life right around the same time that my sister's CPS worker died under mysterious circumstances? I think maybe I'm gonna run away. I don't want my family to have to deal with this."

"Babe please don't talk like that. Nothing bad is going to happen because you didn't do anything. I'm sure the doctor will figure out what caused your headache. They'll do whatever they need to to fix it."

"Uh huh. What if there isn't anything wrong? And what if all of a sudden all those other people I dreamed about killing end up dead too? What if when my brain kills all those people that I had the last dream about it fries itself and kills me or something? I don't think I could stand the headache I'd get from killing five people even if it didn't because I could barely stand the headache I got from killing one person."

"Babe you did not kill anyone."

"Listen Adam, I know that both you and my mom love me, but will you please humor me and talk to me about this reasonably without thinking that I'm going crazy, even though I probably am; and not trying to protect me?"

"None of this sounds very reasonable darlin' but okay."

"Thank you. So what if I did kill this woman? Do you think that there's a possibility that I left some kind of evidence behind of the murder? How long do you think it would take for them to show up on our doorstep and arrest me if that happened?"

Adam sighed. "You're the one that's so interested in all the crime and horror stuff. But from what I understand, even if they did somehow have a piece of your hair or something, they'd still have to have something to match it to. It's not like your DNA is going to be in some police database like you're a rapist or something."

"Ha ha. You know women can rape guys. I read a book or watched a TV show about it."

Adam shook his head at me. "Anyway."

I rolled my eyes at him. "I love you too. So itf they were looking for a murderer, they would look at enemies and people who have threatened this Penny chick right? Do you think they're going to question my sister and Kevin?"

"I don't know. What does it matter if they do? You didn't tell Summer about your dream did you?"

"No. I didn't talk to her when she called Mom. I don't think that it would have been appropriate to spoil my sister's good mood by bringing up something so crazy anyway. She's my sister and I love her, but it's not like we see each other every day. We've never been that close."

"I guess maybe there is a possibility that they'll talk to your sister and her boyfriend and other people that had open cases and had reasons to dislike this Penny chick. But a lot of caseworkers have tons more cases than are recommended. Nobody wants to believe that they deserve to have their kids taken away even if they do. I'm not saying that your mom or your sister did, but you know that some people do, even if it's just long enough for them to get their shit together. Your sister hasn't been in trouble before has she?"

"I think she has a shoplifting charge that might be still on her record, might not. Kevin has a record. He was in prison for stealing a car. Ironically enough, so was my mom's first husband. I think he has some assault charges too or battery. I don't know. He drank really heavily for a while until Summer threatened to leave him for good and take the boys if he didn't at least slow down and try to quit."

"So they'd look a lot more closely at Kevin than they would at your sister. They're probably going to be looking closer at fathers anyway. Murder is one of those things that people only want to think that guys do."

I rolled my eyes again. "Yeah right. Women just tend to kill people that are closer to them like their husbands and their kids more often than they kill random strangers. You tell me which one is better. Damn. So you think that there's not really a need to totally panic then? It's not like I'm real thrilled with the fact that I killed that woman, but it's not like I did it on purpose. And there's not anything I can do about it now. Do you still love me Adam? I'll understand if you don't, but please be honest with me."

Adam cupped my face in his hands and made me look at him. "I'll always love you Rie, no matter what."

"Even if I am a murderer?"

"Babe, I still don't think that there's any way that you killed that woman. But even on the off chance that you did, I would still love you, yes. You have a very strong protective instinct. That's one of the many reasons that I think you'll make a great mother someday."

"Adam, what if I can't live with what I've done? I didn't mean to do it. But I can't stand the thought that that woman was the only thing that was standing between my sister and her kids either. She's not a bad mom and neither was my mom. I wish this world wasn't so shitty sometimes."

"I know baby. I think everyone does. Do you want to try to go to sleep now?"

"I'm afraid I'll have another dream. What if they don't stop? What if my head decides that it needs to take out every CPS worker in the country, or in the world that has ever removed a child from their parents without a valid reason? What if I massacre all of the family court judges that have wrongfully terminated someone's parental rights and all of the lawyers that didn't do enough to stop it? Adam, I think I'm going to cry and I don't know if I'll be able to stop if I start."

"Oh honey what can I do for you? I don't know what to do or say to make you feel better. It's killing me Rie."

"Will you make love to me Adam? I think that we have a connection that makes some of the crazy stuff in my head stop at least for a little while. I think my mom has that same kind of connection with my dad. I think that he helped her to finally really heal with his love."

"Babe I don't have a condom. I don't think that you do either. No offense, but I think that your parents are way more likely to go through your stuff than mine are to go through mine."

"I'm a girl and I'm the one that would get pregnant. I think my mom probably goes through my stuff sometimes. I know that she reads my stories sometimes before I want her to, but she does it because she feels like I'm growing up and pulling away from her. She's gonna have a hard time after Bobby moves out. I think she's totally gonna drive Dad crazy at least for a little while. I don't care if you don't have a condom. I think the more connected we are, the better it will work to take all of this crap out of my head."

Adam grinned. "You're just hoping for a repeat performance of the other day."

"No. The last thing we need is for my dad to come down here because he thinks you're torturing me. And I like my hair the way it is. Besides, my mom said that she had something like that happen with my dad once and it only happened once."

"Rie, you did not tell your mom about that."

I shrugged. "It's not like I told my dad. And it's not like I went into explicit detail. We're close but we're not that close. Your parents haven't caught us having sex yet. Do they know we're having sex?"

Adam grinned. "Who do you think gave me my first box of condoms? My dad did catch us. Do you remember that time we were in my room when both of my parents were supposed to be gone and my bedroom door wasn't shut all the way? It shut and we thought that it was the dog trying to get in and he couldn't and the door shut. Yeah, that wasn't the dog. That was my dad."

"How come you never told me that before? That means your dad saw my butt."

"Yeah, so my dad saw your butt and your dad saw my butt. Which is worse?"

"You got me there. Let's get naked."

Adam grinned. "I knew there was some reason I asked you out instead of Sarah."

"Ha ha."

Adam kissed me. "Kidding baby."

We got naked but were smart enough to get under the covers that time so that if by some random chance either of my parents came down without knocking, which they don't do often anyway, there would be no naked butts to see.

I felt better after we made love and when we were dressed I was able to go to sleep. My dreams were clear that night or at least I didn't remember any of them when I woke up.

Adam snuck out early without running into my dad. The next few days were pretty normal. I kept up on the news of the investigation into Penny's murder. They seemed more interested in questioning her ex-husband about her death than any of the families she had open or closed cases with. They had had a really bad divorce and he had threatened her life on more than one occasion.

Things were good overall until about a week later. I had almost convinced myself that I hadn't really killed Penny by some crazy outreach of my mind. Then another thing happened that made me doubt myself. You can probably guess at least partly what it was.

I got another headache. This one wasn't like the really bad one, but it made me cry. I was in school so it was totally embarrassing. My teacher made me go talk to the school counselor. My dad had to come and pick me up. I couldn't explain to him what was really wrong, so I just told him I had another really bad headache. He took me home and put me to bed. I couldn't sleep though because I couldn't pretend that I hadn't killed someone anymore.

It was two days later when I found out who it was. My mom tried to hide it from me. She told me that our internet wasn't working but she made the mistake of saying it in front of my dad who gave her a funny look and told her that it was fine. I immediately shut myself in my room and found out who it was that had expired during my latest episode.

It was the family court judge that had terminated my mom and her ex-husband's parental rights. There were tons of stories about him online, some that tried to point out the good things he had done, but many many more from parents that weren't sorry to see him go. I had a feeling that if they wanted to investigate everyone that had had a grudge against that guy, they'd have to spend years doing it.

Of course I freaked out again. Mom wouldn't talk to me about it, and tried to be super cheerful. She had sold a painting for a huge amount of money. We went out to a really fancy dinner. Dad took the boys shopping for some new stuff they didn't need while Mom took me shopping for new stuff that I didn't need afterwards. I couldn't pretend to be happy that Mom bought me a bunch of books and movies and clothes that I didn't need.

Okay, let me explain this so that you don't get the wrong idea. My parents have a LOT of money. I have no idea how much but it is definitely plenty. My parents are both very giving and my mom set up sort of trust funds for my half-sister and half-brothers, and of course for me and my brothers too.

My mom also set up a foundation to help families that have been involved with CPS with stuff like rent or sometimes getting a better lawyer. Her best friend runs it for her and does a very good job. Mom couldn't take care of the day to day stuff and still try to give herself to her work like she feels she needs to be really good at it. Of course if there are big decisions Mom and Dad have a say so, but Mom and Dad both trust Aunt Shanna completely.

We don't go out on big shopping sprees very often and my mom and dad are both very much jeans and t-shirt kinda people. Anyway, I couldn't get into this shopping trip. I knew that my mom was trying to avoid the subject that I wanted to talk to her about the most. She even went so far as to leave me in charge of the house while she and Dad went out for drinks that night. Now that hardly ever happens. Mom and Dad go out sometimes by themselves, but neither of them drinks much. There's hardly ever been alcohol in our house the whole time I've been alive.

So I didn't get to talk to Mom about my worries and I didn't get to talk to Adam either. He was having a boy's night out with a bunch of his friends because someone had been dumped by their girlfriend. I have no idea who it was because I don't like many of Adam's friends any more than I like Mike most of the time. It's not like I've ever told him he can't hang out with them, but since we'd been together we had pretty much mutually agreed on spending most of our free time together.

I didn't have a friend close enough anymore that I could tell about something as crazy as the idea that I was murdering people with my mind. I didn't really think that if I had your average high school boyfriend that I could have told him either. There was no way that I was going to tell my brothers about something like that, and I mean any of my six brothers when I say that.

My younger brothers are too immature. My older brothers are all really cool and I love them, but we're not that close. My sister and I are a bit closer I guess because we're the only girls in a big family of boys, but she had too much going on in her own life to have to worry about the crazy shit that was going on in her little sister's head.

Chapter 4

There was a part of me that still thought it was all in my head. But when I found out about the third death three days later, I really knew there was no use trying to pretend that there wasn't some truly spooky shit going on in my life. I could hardly sleep at night because I was terrified that I would have another dream and kill someone else. I didn't get a headache this time but I think it was by the random chance that I happened to be having sex with Adam at the time that the death took place.

Adam was walking around with a perma grin because we were having so much sex. He hardly ever slept in his own bed anymore because it was hard enough for me to fall asleep when he was there, let alone when he wasn't. I think his parents knew that he was sneaking out and I think my mom probably would have told my dad if she hadn't been so worried about me.

When the last of the tests came back from the doctor and there was nothing physically wrong with me, I don't think that anyone was surprised. I tried to hide my occasional less painful headaches as much as I could and did pretty good most of the time. I snuck some of my mom's natural pain relievers. They seemed to help more than what the doctor had given me.

The shit really hit the fan when three deaths took place in one day. That was a few days before my mom whisked me out to a motel in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night. It was all over the news that there was a serial killer on the loose that was killing people involved with family court. Mom and Dad had a huge blowout. I think that Mom had started to believe that I had killed all those people and she wasn't sure how to react and ended up taking it out on my dad even though she felt like she was the one that was really to blame. I got the worst headache yet when those deaths took place. I guess it was because my brain offed three retired CPS workers at once.

I was in my room, trying to do my homework. Adam was at work and the rest of my family was upstairs. I blacked out for a while and when I came to; my vision was blurry for a good five minutes. I was terrified but my headache let up when I took two of Mom's pills and two of my prescription. I made myself eat dinner with my family and then I went back to my room. I talked Adam into coming over and talked him into having sex without a condom again, which was becoming an all too regular occurrence. Then my headache vanished like it had never existed.

I didn't understand any of it. I couldn't talk to anyone about what was going on, not even Adam or Mom. I knew that Mom and Dad talked about it plenty. They both watched me a lot when they didn't think that I noticed. Mom seemed more concerned and almost guilty. Dad looked at me like he'd never looked at me before. Kind of suspicious and wary, like he didn't really know who his daughter was anymore. It made me really sad.

It was two days before Mom and I left that I killed the lawyers. I was at school when I did it. I was sitting in English class. The next thing I knew I was waking up in the nurse's office because I had passed out. Mom and the nurse were both staring at me. I was kind of surprised that it was Mom who had come to get me and not Dad. If you're going to tear one of my parents away from work during the day, it's usually a hell of a lot easier to tear Dad away than Mom. But like I said Dad seemed to feel a little differently towards me then. And now I'm afraid to think of how he feels about me.

Mom took me to the doctor but there wasn't really much they could do for me since there was nothing physically wrong with me. He gave me a prescription for a stronger pain reliever and recommended that I see a local psychologist, who just happened to be Adam's Dad. Mom asked me if I wanted to talk to Adam's Dad. She said that she'd already talked to him and that he'd see me for free since I was his son's girlfriend, but I told her no. I tried to get her to talk to me about what was going on with all those people dying and my part in it, but she changed the subject.

When we got home, she sent me to bed and said that Adam needed to stay out of my bed that night. I was way upset, but I knew that she could tell Dad anytime she wanted to and that he'd probably put a lock on my window or move me upstairs to one of the guest rooms.

Mom brought my dinner. She still wouldn't talk to me. I'd driven myself crazy by reading a bunch of news articles about the serial killer that was on the loose and could feel my headache starting to come back but I felt helpless to do anything. I texted Adam and told him that he couldn't come over. I almost started crying. I took two of my prescription pills, two of mom's natural pain relievers and one of her natural sleep aids. I slept like a rock that night.

Mom wanted me to stay home from school that day, but I refused. I had to see Adam. It felt like he was my lifeline. I had no idea what in the hell I was going to do about anything in my life anymore. I was almost hoping that I'd get pregnant so that Adam and I would have an excuse to run away together. Adam was only two months away from his 18th birthday but I was still four months away from mine.

School dragged that day. Adam had to work and I went home and worked on my homework. I was totally depressed and refused to eat dinner, even though Mom ordered pizza from my favorite pizza place. She left a plate on my night stand. I eventually ate some of it, but Adam was the one that finished it when he snuck in my window that night.

I knew that I probably shouldn't have let him come over that night, but I didn't care. This is where the events that led up to Mom whisking me away started. Adam and I were lying in my bed half clothed. He had his shirt off and I was in my panties and a shirt. We had been talking about stupid school gossip, but I knew that I had to talk to him about my brain wave murders or I was going to go crazy.

It started like this. I said "I think I'm going to stop taking my birth control pills. I don't want you to worry about wearing condoms anymore either. I think I'm ready for a baby. Then it won't seem so weird when we run away together."

Adam gave me a funny look. "Rie, why do I have a bad feeling that this has nothing to do with you deciding that you want a baby?"

"I don't think my family understands me anymore or that they even want to. But you do, don't you?" I gave him a pleading look.

"Babe is this about that whole amazing coincidence that you happened to dream about killing the people that that serial killer took out?"

"I'm the serial killer Adam. We both know it. And so do my parents. My dad gives me such weird looks when he bothers to look at me the past few days. I think he's scared of me. I think he thinks that I'm going to hurt someone else or that his daughter is going to end up in jail for killing people when she didn't mean to. I didn't mean to. You know that right?"

Adam touched my face. "Of course I know that."

"So you admit that I did these terrible things and you still love me? I'm starting to wonder if my parents still do."

"Your parents will always love you Rie. I told you that I'd always love you and I meant it."

"Let's run away now Adam. I have some money saved up and I could get a job and you could get a job. We could get our GEDs and get married after we both turn eighteen."

"My parents would kill me if I ran away. They've always told me that you have to face things instead of running away. You're going to have to face this somehow babe. I'll do whatever I can to help you. I'm sure your parents will too."

I shook my head. "Mom won't talk to me about any of this anymore. How can I face something like this? What if it happens again? How can you not be scared of me Adam? I'm pretty fucking scared of myself right now. If I could do this, I could do anything. Why did this have to happen to me? I just wanted to graduate and marry you and be a writer and have your babies and grow old together. How come shit never happens the way it's supposed to? It's not like I'm asking for anything bad or unreasonable."

"I know baby. I'm not scared of you because I know that you would never have done anything like what you might have done on purpose. You're going to have to learn to control whatever in the hell it is so that it doesn't happen again."

"But what if I can't? What if my headaches start getting so bad that they do cause something to go wrong with my brain and I die from it? What if my brain suddenly decides that it needs to kill everybody who gives me a dirty look on the street?"

"Baby, you need to calm down. It's gonna be okay."

"No it's not. It's never gonna be okay again. I'm a murderer and I hate myself. Maybe you should go. Maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore. I don't want my bad mojo to rub off on you. And why would you ever want to have a baby with me? I'll pass this crazy shit onto our kids and then they'll all be crazy too. Maybe I should talk to your dad so that he can decide to lock me up in a padded room and never let me out."

"Shh baby. Please stop. Let's make love. That always seems to make you feel better."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course."

Adam kissed me and we spent several minutes making out. We made love. That's when the night started to go really sour. Adam had just had his orgasm when the basement door banged open. My dad was practically flying down the stairs. I have never seen my dad so upset in his life. The first time he'd caught us in a compromising position was nothing compared to this.

"Shit," Adam said.

"Yeah shit," my dad said. "Get the hell out of my house and don't come back Adam Garrison. If I catch you within ten feet of my daughter again, I'll make you wish you'd never met her."

"Daddy," I protested.

Adam was up and dressing as quickly as he could but it wasn't fast enough for Dad. He crossed the room and picked up Adam's shoes and shoved them into his hands. "Get out. Now. And I will be talking to your parents young man."

Adam gave me a look as he left. I can't quite describe it. It was an I'm sorry, and almost a goodbye at the same time. I thought that we both knew that there was no way I was going to stay away from him no matter what my dad said, but I'm not sure so sure right now.

As soon as Adam left, Mom came down the stairs. She looked at Dad and said "Darren what in the hell is going on?"

Dad gave Mom a dirty look. "Are you going to try to tell me that you didn't know about this Melissa? I'm pretty damned sure you'd be lying."

Mom sighed. "They're teenagers Darren. They're going to have sex whether we like it or not. Ariel is on birth control. They use further protection on top of it. We both know that they're going to end up married as soon as they graduate anyway. So what harm does it do for him to share her bed sometimes? Our daughter has been having terrible nightmares and terrible headaches. If sleeping in her boyfriend's arms is the only thing that comforts her, what in the hell do you want me to do about it?"

"I sometimes forget that you were married at eighteen and a mother at nineteen."

Mom gave Dad a dirty look of her own. "What in the hell does that have to do with anything? I was a virgin until I was eighteen."

"Right. Well you daughter certainly isn't a virgin."

"My daughter? Now she's just my daughter? It seems to me that you've always been the one she looks up to. So if you're going to blame the perfectly normal actions of OUR teenage daughter on anyone, I think you'd better look in the mirror Darren."

"Perfectly normal actions, ha. Those two have sex like they're rabbits. I'm sure they're going to have children like them too. But I guess she'd be taking after you then wouldn't she?"

"Fuck you and your sudden high handed attitude Mr. Fletcher. I sure as hell didn't see you turning me away from your bed when you were still married to Rachael."

I buried my head in my hands. I did not want to hear this.

Dad snorted. "No, because I am a man and sometimes men tend to think with their penises. I couldn't help but think with mine with the way you dressed from the first time we met right up until we got married. My marriage with Rachael still could have been saved if she hadn't caught you giving me a blow job at that party of Timothy's. Just because your marriage was beyond saving, it didn't mean that mine wasn't."

Mom laughed. "Are you kidding me? She was screwing your neighbor and half of your best friends from college. Didn't Timothy's wife catch him having sex with Rachael that very night? Now, if you wanted to stay with a slut and try to pretend that everything was hunky dory that's your damned business. But I seem to remember that even though I came on to you first, you were the one that initiated it the first time we had sex." Mom seemed to remember that I was in the room then and sighed. "Go take a shower Ariel. And go get your cigarettes Darren. Maybe we'll both be able to think a little bit more clearly after we've had one."

Dad sighed, but he went up the stairs. Mom looked at me and said "I'm sorry baby. I'm sure once your father's calmed down; he'll be much more reasonable about you and Adam."

"But what if he's not Mom? I can't stand the thought of being away from him. If Daddy doesn't let me see me, I swear I'll run away. And with all of the other crazy shit that's been going on lately, it might not be such a bad idea anyway."

Mom sighed again. "Go take your shower Ariel. We will talk about everything when you get done okay?"

"Yes Mom."

I went to my bathroom and took a quick shower. I got dressed and started to open the bathroom door, but I stopped when I heard my brother's voice.

"Dad," Billy said. "What's going on? Did you catch Ariel having sex with Adam again? Is that why he ran out of here half naked?"

"Go back to bed William."

"No. Why do you have to pretend that Ariel's not having sex when it's so obvious to everyone that she is? And why does it matter? She's almost eighteen and Adam loves her. You'd have to be a complete dumbass not to see that."

"William Joseph, back to bed now."

"Huh uh. I'm gonna say what I need to first. I'm fourteen. I don't want to be afraid to talk to you about sex. It's not like I plan on having it anytime soon, but you know what I mean. Yeah, I want to have it because I'm a teenage boy and my hormones are raging. But I know that sex means that you could make a baby and there's no way in hell that I'm ready for a baby. Ariel knows that she could get pregnant and it's her life. Adam would take care of her. You know he would. I think it's cool and I want to be that kind of boyfriend someday." I assume that Dad or Mom or maybe even both gave Billy a dirty look because he said "When I'm ready. The point I was trying to make is that I used to think that I had the kind of parents that I could talk to about anything. And I still think I was half right, because I still think that I could talk to Mom about anything, but I'm starting to wonder if I was wrong about you Dad. Even me and Billy know that Adam's been sneaking in Ariel's window forever now."

"We will discuss that in the morning Billy. Now go to bed. You have school in the morning."

Billy sighed. "I'm right aren't I Dad? I can't talk to you about sex can I? Why are you so upset about Ariel doing it with Adam? It's not like you didn't already catch them having sex once. And you know they do it a lot because they were doing it when Ariel was late for dinner. They were doing it again right before she got that scary headache. So my sister likes sex. It doesn't make her a slut because I'm willing to bet she's only done it with Adam. He's the only real boyfriend she's ever had. It's not wrong to like sex is it? Even if you're only seventeen? You still like sex Dad. You and Mom have sex so often that I think Bobby is never gonna wanna have sex."

I smiled.

"Bed Billy." That time it was Mom.

Billy sighed. "It's not wrong to like sex is it? What's so damn different about Ariel doing it this time? You know you can't make her stop seeing Adam because she's not gonna listen to you. Is she pregnant or something? Oh shit she is isn't she? I'm gonna be an uncle again. That is so cool."

"No, Billy it is not wrong to like sex when you are old enough to understand fully the consequences of having sex, whether that happens when you're sixteen or sixty. Your sister is not pregnant. Your father and I are going to talk about her seeing Adam. Please go back to bed son. Don't you have a test in the morning?"

"Yeah, but maybe if I'm too tired I won't be able to go to school. What if I start getting headaches like Ariel?"

"Let's hope that never happens William. You are going to school tomorrow. If you choose to skip breakfast, you can set your alarm for fifteen minutes later than usual."

"Fifteen minutes Mom, come on. Why can't Dad drive us all to school tomorrow? We've both been up forever anyway because of all the yelling and before that we could hear Ariel and Adam having sex because noise comes through the heater vents in both of our rooms."

Dad jumped in again. "We will talk about all of that in the morning William Joseph. I promise you. I think it is high time we had a family meeting."

"Ah Dad, a family meeting? That means you and Mom get to yell at all of us and we have to sit there and take it like the good kids we are. You know that we're good kids. You're lucky that Ariel having sex with her boyfriend is the worst thing that any of us have done lately. You should hear what some of the kids in Bobby's class are already getting caught doing."

"Bed Billy and yes, I will drive you and your brother to school tomorrow."

Billy sighed. "Yeah. Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad. I love you. Hey, where's Ariel? Did she already run away because you told her she couldn't see Adam?"

"Your sister is in the bathroom and she has been in there an awfully long time. Lis, would you mind checking on her? I'll take Billy up to bed to make sure that he actually gets there. I'll be right back."

I heard Dad and Billy go up the stairs. Mom knocked on the bathroom door. "Ariel are you okay? You're not having another headache are you? I don't think I could take that right now."

I opened the door. "No Mom. I'm fine. You've got to talk Dad out of this. I have to see Adam. He's the only thing that keeps me halfway sane anymore. He's only been here so much at night lately because I can't sleep without him. If you guys make me stop seeing him, I really am gonna run away. I'll lose the part of my mind that I haven't lost already and probably really start killing people."

Mom sighed. She took my hand and led me to my bed. I sat down and she hugged me. "I want to ease your pain sweet pea, but I don't know how anymore."

"You know I killed those people too don't you?"

"I have no idea what I know anymore baby. Let's wait to talk about this until your father gets back."

"Dad hates me doesn't he?"

"Oh honey, Daddy could never hate you."

"I think you're wrong. I think he's gonna hate both of us. He's gonna think that whatever this is, it had to have come from you."

"You know what darling? I think that if he thought that, he'd be right."

"Why? You said yourself that you'd already made your peace with the bullshit that happened in your past. So why should any of this stuff that I've done have anything to do with you? I think that somewhere in the back of my head I knew that Summer was going to lose her kids forever if that stupid CPS worker had stayed on her case. I think something even worse was gonna happen to Summer than what happened to you when you lost Summer and the boys. My brain knew that somehow and it reached out and stopped it from happening. So why was what I did even wrong? My sister doesn't deserve to have her kids taken away."

"I know she doesn't baby." Mom looked up because Dad had returned. He sat on the stairs and she got up and sat on the stairs below him. One of them had opened my window. They both lit a cigarette. I usually hated the smell, but somehow it calmed me right then.

Dad looked at me and said "Give me your cell phone Ariel. And your laptop."

"No way. You can have my phone but you can't have my computer. All my stories are on there."

"Darren, don't you think you're being a little harsh taking her computer away? Ariel is a very talented writer. You know how it feels to be driven by a passion like she feels for her writing. You can't take that away from her."

"Why not? Maybe if she didn't write such dark stories and watch scary movies and read all that crap and have so much sex, we wouldn't be sitting here right now and wondering how in the hell this shit is happening in our lives."

"You're talking about me being a murderer aren't you Daddy?"

Dad sighed. "I have no idea what is going on where you and all of these killings are concerned. I don't know if your mother passed on some kind of defect to you because she still had so much pain inside of her when she was pregnant with you, or whether you have some kind of psychic connection with a damned serial killer. But we are going to get to the bottom of this and we are going to deal with it as a family."

"Why does it have to be Mom that passed some defect on to me? Why couldn't it be you? It's not like you're perfect either Dad."

"I admit that Ariel, but I have been fortunate enough never to have experienced the kind of pain in my life that your mother has experienced in hers."

"Maybe it didn't come from either of you. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the only crazy one. Why don't you let me leave quietly so that you and Billy and Bobby don't have to see me get arrested or hear about the next person I killed when I have another dream and get another headache. Then again, if you don't let me sleep with Adam, I might never sleep again."

"You were hardly sleeping when I walked in on you two earlier."

"Adam is the only thing that gives me any kind of comfort anymore Dad. I don't think you or Mom have any idea of what in the hell to do with me anymore. I can't blame you. But Adam will always love me, even if I am a murderer."

"You are not a murderer Ari."

"You just said a few minutes ago that you don't know that. And you don't. Don't bullshit me Dad. I know I did it. Mom knows I did it. Soon enough the boys will probably know I did it too, because don't they say that murderers always make mistakes?"

"I don't believe that the same rules would apply when you took someone's life in a dream Ariel," Mom said.

I shrugged. "But I did do it. I killed those people that hurt you Mom. I killed that lady that was going to take the boys away from Summer forever. How can you even think about taking Adam away from me Dad? Who knows what I'll do if you really try to do that. I might hurt you, or Mom or Billy or Bobby. Maybe they should lock me up and keep me so doped up on medication for the rest of my life that I can never think bad thoughts about anyone again."

"No one knows that doing something like that would even solve a problem like this Ariel," Mom said. "No one knows anything about whatever this is that's going on with your dreams or your headaches."

"Someone has to." I shook my head. "Maybe they don't. When I tried to search anything on the internet the only thing that came up was a bunch of dumb books and movies."

"The first thing we need to get straight Ariel," Dad said. "Is that you are not going to see Adam again until after you graduate. If you wish to see him then, you are more than welcome. But I do not want to find another boy with you in your bed ever again while you are under my roof."

"You've got to be kidding me Dad. I'm telling you that I kill people with my goddamned mind and you're taking away the only thing in my life right now that is keeping me from totally losing it. Huh uh. No way. If you don't want me to see Adam while I'm under your roof, then I won't be under your roof anymore."

I started to get up, but Mom held up her hand. "Darren be reasonable. I'm not condoning what Ariel has been doing, but I believe that she's right. We don't understand what's going on with our daughter right now. If being with Adam is stopping her from causing more damage and from what she's already done being discovered, then I fully believe that we can't logically ask her to stop seeing him."

"Melissa are you listening to yourself? You're not condoning what they've done? You sure as hell have been for however long it's been going on without you bothering to tell me about it. This whole family has been conspiring against me. Maybe I'm the one that should leave. You Billy and Bobby all seem to think that it's perfectly well and good that Ariel is acting like a whore."

My face colored. I wanted to say something, but Mom gave me a look.

"Our daughter is not acting like a whore. She is a seventeen year old girl that is having sex with a boy that she loves. I would rather have her do it in her bed then get ticketed for indecency in public."

Dad snorted and lit a cigarette. "You really aren't listening to yourself at all are you Melissa? You want your daughter to screw her boyfriend in her bed right under your nose. You think that it's okay for her to keep seeing him because it might mean that she won't kill any more people or get caught for the killing the ones that she's probably already killed. I know that it was bullshit that they took your kids away from you, but you have relationships with all of them now so there's really not a valid excuse for all those people to be dead. They may not be quite what they would have been if you'd raised them from birth to adulthood yourself, but that's more than a lot of people can say that did raise their kids. Our daughter may be a murderer and all you seem to be worried about is that she doesn't do it again and that she doesn't get caught. Unfuckingbelievable. No wonder Ariel turned out the way she did."

"Fuck you Darren. She's our daughter and I will stand by her no matter what she's done. That's obviously more than you can say for yourself isn't it?"

"Yeah, so what? Who in the hell wants to admit that they contributed to a demon seed?"

I started crying then. Mom looked like she wanted to come over to me, but Dad gave her such a dark look that I was afraid he was going to hit her. I glared at him. Suddenly his cigarette burned down so low that it burned his fingers. He had only taken a drag or two, but it was suddenly all ash. Dad cursed and gave me a look like he wished I'd never been born. He dropped his cigarette in the ashtray and looked back and forth between Mom and me.

Mom had started to cry a little too. I think she knew that I had done something to cause Dad's cigarette to suddenly decide to burn itself up. I had no idea what I'd done. I'd just given my Dad a dirty look. It wasn't like I'd never given him one before. I didn't have to concentrate like I'd had to when I'd told Adam that I liked him or when I'd made him see the tattoo I wanted to get. It was like when I'd made Mom make what I wanted for dinner or when I'd killed all those people. I had done it without conscious thought and I admit, I was pretty fucking scared of me right then myself.

Mom was still crying. Dad suddenly went from looking like he wanted to pretend he didn't know either of us, to only pretending he didn't know me. It broke my heart, but I knew that Mom's crying was getting to him like it always did. I wished that he didn't hate me so much. I hadn't asked for any of this shit to happen. It tore me up inside that Mom and Adam both seemed to at least partly understand that, but Dad didn't.

Dad put his arms around Mom and kissed her forehead like he always kissed mine, or always used to anyway. I wasn't sure if he'd ever want to kiss mine again. He didn't look at me when he said "Give me your cell phone Ariel. I'm going to move the router so that you won't be able to get a signal for the WIFI even at the top of the steps. We'll talk about the rest of this in the morning, when we're all a little bit more in our right minds."

I was silent as I pulled the charger for my phone out of the wall and handed both the phone and the charger to Dad. I saw that there were multiple missed calls and text messages from Adam. I wondered if I'd have time to send him an e-mail before Dad messed with the router.

Mom sniffled and said "Goodnight Ariel. I love you. Always know that baby girl."

"I love you too Mom." I knew that even if she always loved me, I couldn't be sure if Dad would anymore.

I got my laptop out as soon as the door closed but I heard movement upstairs. By the time my slow laptop booted up and tried to connect to the internet, it was already too late. I wanted to throw my laptop or climb out my window and go to Adam's house, but I knew that I needed to calm down or something else was going to happen like what I had done to Dad's cigarette. So I turned my light out and put my headphones on and lay down and pushed shuffle on my mp3 player. But the music only made me cry again. Iit all seemed to be love songs and it reminded me of Adam.

I took the headphones off and tossed my mp3 player onto my nightstand. I closed my eyes and willed my mind to shut down but it wasn't working. It didn't help when I heard the telltale squeak of bedsprings from my parents' bedroom. I was glad that they had made up, but I still had no idea where it left me. I still seemed to be stuck between one parent who said she was willing to stand by me through anything and one who suddenly wished he hadn't played a part in creating me.

Chapter 5

I don't think I got more than an hour's worth of sleep that night. I was in a state of half sleep when I saw Mom standing at the end of my bed. At first I thought she was a ghost. I sat up and rubbed my eyes.

"Mom, what's going on?"

"We're leaving baby. You and me. Right now."

"Huh?"

"Get dressed and come on baby. I tried to keep your dad up late last night on purpose but I have a feeling he'll be up soon anyway."

"Mom, is there something that you're not telling me?"

"I'll tell you in the car baby girl. Just come on. You trust me don't you?"

"Of course I do Mom."

"I'm going to go roll the car down to the bottom of the hill so that Dad doesn't hear it when I start it."

"Mom are you serious?"

"Time is of the essence right now Ariel Rose. I'll be right back for you sweet pea."

Mom walked silently up the stairs. I heard the door that leads from the kitchen to the garage open and close. I was confused and felt a little like I was sleepwalking when I got dressed. I took the books out of my backpack and put my laptop and the cord inside since I had no idea where the case was. I slipped the chain that held Adam's class ring on it over my head and added the teddy bear that he had won me at the county fair last year to my bag.

I was tying my shoes when Mom came back down the stairs. She looked like she hadn't slept either. She reeked of cigarette smoke, so I'm guessing that she'd totally given up on her almost nineteen year respite from cigarettes.

I put my jacket on and followed Mom back up the stairs with my backpack and my purse slung over my shoulder. Neither of us said anything as we walked down the hill to where Mom had indeed rolled her car. I got in the passenger side and she got in the driver's side and she started the car. She still didn't say anything until we were past the city limit sign.

She cracked her window and lit a cigarette. I made a face and she said "I'm sorry baby. I know you hate the smell but I couldn't help it this morning. I didn't sleep at all last night and we've got a long drive ahead of us. I needed something to help keep me awake. We'll stop in a little while. I'll get some coffee and you can get some breakfast honey."

"Mom where are we going and why?"

"I got a phone call last night, or early this morning I should say. I kept Daddy up because I planned to give you your cell phone back and sweet talk him into it when you were at school. But anyway, this phone call was my ex-husband. He had been held for questioning where those uh, what they're calling the family court serial killings are concerned. He has a pretty extensive criminal record from when he was drinking and well, since Summer is his daughter too and of course the judge, the lawyers and all of the other CPS workers were connected to our case, I guess he looked like a pretty good suspect to them."

"Oh no Mom. What are we going to do? I can't let him go to jail for something that I did. I've only met the guy once, but that's just not right."

"Baby, Mark said that they were on a fishing expedition. From what he understands they have no physical evidence or evidence of any kind at all. The only reason he called me at two o'clock in the morning is because he was concerned that Kevin might be involved. I guess there were some threatening phone calls to Penny's home made from Kevin's work place, so he was questioned in connection with her death. They let him go without any charges. Summer didn't seem to think that it was worth mentioning to me, but I fear that the authorities won't stop their quest for this killer."

"Mom, why don't I turn myself in?"

Mom snorted. "Honey you are seventeen years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. If they can't prove anything, there's no way that I'm going to let you turn yourself in. They'd think you were crazy anyway. You're a teenage girl who's 5'6 and weighs about a hundred and twenty-five pounds. How can you be expected to kill three grown men and four grown women? It's absolutely fucking absurd. They would probably laugh us right out of the police station."

"But if anybody deserves to be arrested for these murders, it should be the person that actually did them. And that's me."

"Ariel, we have no idea what went on when those people died. You did not touch one of them physically so I don't see how you're responsible."

"You don't believe that Mom. I know you don't. You saw what I did to Dad's cigarette last night. And that happened when I gave him a dirty look. I have nightmares that I kill people without ever touching them. Then days later, I get majorly painful headaches when my mind does whatever it does to actually kill these people. I'm terrified. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go to sleep anymore. Adam is like some kind of talisman for me. Dad tried to take him away from me. Now you're really taking him away from me. We're not going home anytime soon are we?"

"No baby, we're not."

"And what do you think that running away is going to solve? Did Dad ask you to take me and go away? Did you lie to me to try to protect me so that I don't think my own father hates me? I know he hates me. He softened towards you last night eventually, but not me."

"Your Dad doesn't know what to think anymore. He's afraid that he's losing his little girl. He's not reacting the right way."

"And you are? Taking me away from everything I've ever known? It's not just Dad is it? You're taking me away because you think that I'm going to hurt somebody closer to us next time. You want it to be you and not Dad or Billy or Bobby. You're just as afraid of me as he is. Admit it Mom."

Mom sighed. "Ariel, what's been happening these past few weeks is a mystery to everyone. I don't know what you can do with your mind. I don't know whether it's something that you can learn to control, or whether it's something you're going to have to live with."

"Huh uh. Killing people is not something that I can learn to live with. Even if they did do some really messed up shit to the people that I love."

"I know baby girl. Why in the hell do you think that I don't want you to turn yourself in? Besides the fact that no one would ever believe your story, no jury would convict you. So you're going to have to learn to live with it and to control it."

"I'm terrified to go to sleep without Adam there. I don't think that you and Dad understand that. I'm not putting you on because I really like to have sex with my boyfriend. Yeah okay, so I admit that I like to have sex with my boyfriend, but we have some kind of connection that seems to keep my demons at bay. Or sort of. I think that we happened to be having sex when I killed your last CPS worker so at least I didn't get a headache. But I still did it. I don't think that I can learn to control this without Adam beside me."

"You're gonna have to baby. I talked to Adam's parents. They said that there was no way they'd let him come with us, even if I paid for private tutoring."

"You talked to Adam's parents? Do you have my cell phone Mom? I gotta call him or at least text him to let him know what's going on. I can't let him think that I'd leave without telling him goodbye."

"I think the Garrisons think our whole family is a little bit crazy right now Ariel. First your Dad calls them at midnight and tells them that he caught you two in bed together again, and that he thinks you two should stop seeing each other until you graduate. Then they've got me calling them a few hours later and waking them up and practically begging them to let Adam disappear into the sunset with you and I. I think they've got some weird idea that I wanted to buy Adam from them so that he could be a sex slave to both of us or some other ridiculous thing. It seems to be going around town that I made an advance on one of Billy's friends. I guess the Garrisons have the idea that I'm some kind of pervert."

I had to laugh at that. "Really? Adam's parents believe that ridiculous story that Billy said was going around his school? Mom, Billy and Bobby's friends all think you're hot and Billy's friend Kenny said that he saw down your shirt one day when you weren't wearing a bra. He somehow got the idea that you did it on purpose. You get in this zone and I think you're on another planet when someone interrupts you when you're painting."

Mom laughed. "Are you kidding me? That's where that ridiculous rumor came from? From what Mrs. Garrison said to me, I would have thought that it was going around that I had tried to invite one of your brother's friends into my bed. Of course, I think she was almost relieved when she told me that her son would be better off without you and banged the phone down so loudly in my ear that my ears rang for a good five minutes afterwards."

I groaned. "Do you have my cell phone? I have to talk to him Mom. Even if his parents hate me, or even our whole family, I can't let him think that I hate him."

"Your phone is in my purse darling. I really don't know that it would be a good idea to text Adam quite yet though."

"Why Mom? It's not like the cops are on our tail. Or are they? Did Mark say that they had plans to question you too?"

Mom sighed. "They may very well have plans to question me Ariel. I suppose it will look rather suspicious that I took you on an extended vacation without the rest of our family right when they decided that I might merit another look. I would much rather have me go to jail for these murders than you though. I'm a much more likely suspect anyway. Summer is my daughter and the others certainly played a large part in several years' worth of my misery. I would also seem more capable of killing a grown man I suppose, since I'm 5'9 as opposed to your 5'6 and a hundred and fifty pounds as opposed to your one twenty-five."

"That's crazy. I'm not going to let you of all people go to jail for something that I did."

"What is a mother's purpose in life if it's not to protect her children?"

"No. If it comes down to it, I'll confess at the first sign that you're going to be arrested. Maybe if I'm in jail, I won't be able to kill people with my evil brain anymore."

"Your brain is hardly evil Ariel."

"It murdered seven people didn't it?"

"We don't know that. I don't believe that we honestly ever will for sure."

"You saw what I did to Dad's cigarette. I made Grandma make that dress for me when I was five. I made you cook what I wanted for dinner all those nights when Adam and I were broken up. I told Adam in his head that I liked him so that he'd ask me out, and I put a picture in his head of this really hot tattoo that I wanted to get with his name on it. I used to completely zone out when I was a kid. I have no idea how long it lasted, or what in the hell I did when I wasn't consciously in my body, but I wasn't there. What if I've always been evil and it's just now that I realized it? Maybe you should drop me off on the side of the road somewhere."

"Ariel Rose stop with this ridiculous talk. You aren't evil now and you certainly weren't as a child. What are you talking about? You made Grandma make you that dress? Grandma had been planning on making you that dress all summer long. She wanted it to be a surprise. I think I described it to your father when you were supposed to be napping and you over heard. And I made your favorite meals when you and Adam were broken up because I knew you were miserable. I was trying to do anything I could to make you feel better."

"They weren't my favorite meals Mom. Not one of them was. My favorite foods have been meatball subs with extra mozzarella cheese made on garlic bread, cheese pizza with a cheese stuffed crust and lasagna since I was like ten years old. And you didn't make any of that during those two weeks. I put the stuff I wanted in your head. Remember the night that you were making tacos and you got done cooking the meat and suddenly decided you were going to make that casserole with hash browns and meat and cheese instead? It was because I suddenly got a craving for it, and we hardly ever have it because you and I are the only ones that like it. Didn't you feel weird any of those nights when you were thinking about what to make for dinner? I gave Adam a headache that night when I showed him the tattoo that I wanted."

"Baby, you and I have a connection. I admit that. I sometimes believe that out of all of my children, you and I are the most closely connected. It's not that I love your sister or any of your brothers any less than I love you, but we've always had this almost indescribable thing going on between us. I realize that mothers often awaken when their children are hungry as babies especially if their babies are breast fed, but I would always wake up a good five to ten minutes before you did. It used to drive Daddy crazy. I'd wake up and he'd tell me that you weren't awake because he hadn't heard anything. Your father has better hearing than I do, but I was right every time. I'd get out of bed. I would go into your room and within minutes you would wake up and blink your gorgeous eyes at me and smile. You were such a good baby. Your sister always woke up crying no matter what. I never understood it." Mom sighed and lit a cigarette. "I've always thought that you and I were on the same wavelength even though you were always closer to your father."

"Not anymore. I think he wishes I wasn't his daughter. I didn't mean to burn his fingers."

"He knows that baby. Daddy would never wish that you weren't his daughter."

"Don't sugarcoat the truth Mom. Dad is terrified that I'm going to hurt someone else. He thinks that I deserve to go to jail for killing those people. I wish I'd never been born."

"Ariel Rose Fletcher, don't ever let me hear you say those words again."

I shrugged. "Why? It's true. I've caused a lot of people a lot of misery."

"Okay baby doll, I am going to give this to you straight. I am not glad that you may have killed any one of those people. But if you want the honest truth, I am more concerned about what it's going to do to you than what it did to any of them. I don't know how far you've dug into the past since all this has begun, but none of those people were angels. I'm not saying that they deserved to die, but if you asked me who I would think was more deserving to be forgiven for their sins, I would say you. And that is not just because you're my flesh and blood. You realize what you've done, or what you may have done. Every one of those people played a part in not only tearing apart my family, but countless others as well. I'm not saying that there's not a need for children to be protected. I'm not saying that there aren't many dedicated social workers who do a lot of families a lot of good. What I am saying is that when you put a dollar sign above the head's of children, you're going to end up with many people that are going to do anything they can to chase their piece of the pie."

"Okay, I get that. And I understand that Summer and the boys were lucky that they didn't have horrible experiences in foster care because bad things do happen sometimes. It's very sad that sometimes kids are taken away from a situation that may not be ideal but could be fixed and placed into a terrible situation. But whose fault it that really? Unless you're talking about something really damned obvious like a perverted CPS worker who directly abuses a child themselves, is it the worker's fault? Is it their supervisor's fault because you know they have to sign off on some of that stuff? Is it the county's fault for appointing lawyers to parents that get their paychecks from the same place that takes the kids away in the first place? Is it the judge's fault that has the final say in whether or not kids come home or go to foster care? Or is it the damned government's fault because they're the ones that made the whole system in the first place? You tell me Mom, because I sure as hell can't figure it out."

"You ask some very intelligent questions Ariel. I can't answer them and believe me I've asked myself those same questions over and over. I wanted someone to blame when they took Summer and the boys away permanently, because I was failing to find blame with myself or Mark. We made mistakes as parents. I'll be the first to admit that we didn't have the resources or the money that your father and I do now. I've asked myself over and over why we chose to have five children when we were low income and uneducated. But is being poor a crime? They never charged us with any kind of abuse. Whatever other crap CPS tried to charge us with in court was always shot down by our lawyer because it had no merit. I wanted to blame the judge that terminated our rights. I wanted to blame every one of our social workers besides the one that actually seemed concerned with keeping our family together. I wanted to blame our lawyers and the county and the state and the government. And in some ways, I believe that all of them are responsible. So, if I had chosen to go on a rampage and kill those that were responsible for the destruction of my family, I may well have started with those you may or may not have killed Ariel Rose. But I'm not sure I would have known where to stop."

I sighed. "But that still doesn't make it right. What right does my brain have to decide who deserves to die?"

"Baby, this was not some sort of conscious decision that you made to take these lives. It's not like you created a hit list and then went down the list and took out every person that was on it. I'm going to help you learn to control this. I'm going to help you learn to live with what you've done. No matter what it takes Ariel Rose, I'm going to help you through this."

"But why should you have to? You're not responsible for this."

"How do we know that? I believe that something strange went on between your father and I the night that we created you. I may have passed a little of the darkness that I thought I had gotten rid of onto you along with all of the beauty. So that would make me responsible. And I'll always feel responsible for you because you are my child. I'll never stop loving you and I'll never forsake you, no matter what."

"But what if I did hurt someone else? What if I hurt Dad because he can't deal with all of this stuff that's going on with me? Would you forgive me if I hurt him? Or one of my brothers or Summer or one of her kids or Christian's daughter? Can you honestly say that you would forgive me if I hurt someone that you love as much as you love me?"

"Ariel, I believe that no matter what a person does in this lifetime, they deserve forgiveness if they can accept what they have done and take responsibility for it. I may have had a much harder time forgiving the people that tore apart my first family than I would have liked, but I love you. When I found out I was pregnant with you, I don't think there were two people on the planet that were happier than your father and I. You were what truly redeemed me baby girl. What allowed me to finally put the majority of the darkness that I had held inside for so long behind me. It still comes out now and again, because I'm human and far from perfect, but I like to think that you were my saving grace. We almost named you Grace."

I made a face. "I'm glad you didn't. I like my name."

Mom laughed. "You can thank Daddy for that. He knew a girl in high school named Grace. He said that she was far from anyone's saving grace, at least back then. He said he didn't date her, but I never quite believed him. Anyway. There's an exit up ahead. Do you want breakfast? I'm afraid you'll have to make do with eating in the car though. I really would like to stay on the road until this evening at least."

I shook my head but then my stomach growled. "Okay, so maybe I am a little hungry. Where are we going Mom, and what are we really doing? If there's not a very good chance that the cops will find anything that ties me to these murders, why couldn't we have stayed home? I'm sure Dad would have changed his mind about me seeing Adam eventually."

Mom pulled off at the exit. "We can go wherever you want and stop to see whatever you want along the way. It'll be like an extended vacation for just you and me."

"I don't want you to spend a bunch of money to show me stuff when Dad and the boys aren't here. I know that you and Dad aren't exactly hurting for money, but hotels get expensive, gas gets expensive. Even free sightseeing can get expensive when you buy all the souvenirs and stuff. It feels so weird to be going anywhere without Dad and the boys. And how long are we going to be gone Mom, really? You know Dad can't cook or do laundry. Billy and Bobby are lazy. They'll probably forget to take the trash out for two weeks and the house will be overrun with bugs and rodents before they know it."

"Honey, your father and the boys are hardly incompetent or helpless."

"Yeah maybe, but you didn't answer my question or address my concerns. Why are you okay with spending so much money on just me? How are you going to work and how am I going to finish school?"

"The only times I've ever cared about money was when I didn't have any, and my children needed something that I couldn't give them. Your father and I have plenty of money. And it's not as if we'll never make more. Daddy is very good at what he does and I've been fortunate enough to find an audience for my art in the past several years that's not afraid to show their appreciation. We've been lucky enough that the foundation has been funded mostly on donations for the past two years. Shanna won't accept more than a ridiculously low wage to run the place. Her bonuses at the end of the year that depend on the number of families we're able to help and the donation total; have been almost as big as her total yearly salary for the past five years. I can paint and draw anywhere as long as I have supplies because my creativity lies in my head and not my surroundings. I believe that besides buying the house and making sure that you and your sister and brothers were all taken care of, and the initial funding of the foundation, the largest amount of money your father and I have spent at one time was the year after Stone and Trey graduated high school when we took everyone on vacation. You can finish school with a private tutor or an online school or you can get a GED. That's up to you. Wouldn't you like a handsome young tutor to travel with?"

Mom smiled at me as she stopped at a red light, but I gave her a dirty look. "No. I want Adam and I'll always want Adam. That's not funny Mom."

Mom sighed. "I'm sorry darling. Do you want to go to the drive through that advertises lunch served all day, or are you in the mood for breakfast food?"

"The one with lunch please. I ate enough breakfast food for a lifetime when you were gone for two weeks last year. Daddy really isn't the greatest cook besides breakfast food and barbecue and he couldn't barbecue since there was snow on the ground."

Mom laughed. "I'm surprised he didn't barbecue anyway." She yawned as she pulled into the line for the drive through.

"Do you want me to drive for a while Mom? I can drive you know."

Mom rolled her eyes at me. "Of course I know you can drive sweetheart. We can buy a car for you if you'd like. I'm sorry I wouldn't let your father buy one for you before. I didn't think you were ready for that added responsibility."

"I don't think I was either. I don't want you to bribe me with a car or a hot private tutor to take my mind off of Adam. I don't care where we go, and I'm fine with taking the test for the GED. I don't think I'll go to college besides maybe taking some writing courses. I don't want a car anymore because I'd be afraid I might kill someone with my brain while I was behind the wheel and knowing my luck, kill someone with my car at the same time. I want Adam. No matter where we are, I'm not going to forget about him. He'll come for me after he graduates, and then you can go back to home to Daddy and the boys where you belong."

"I belong with whichever of my children needs me most at the time. I believe that at this moment in time, you are the one that needs me the most Ariel. I will not turn away from you, now or ever. Daddy will come around, and your sister and your brothers never need to know the real cause of our 'vacation.'"

"Billy and Bobby are gonna think I'm pregnant. I'm surprised Dad hasn't called you yet."

Mom gave me a half smile. "I may have accidentally turned off everyone's alarms before we left. Your brothers can use a day off and Dad could certainly use some rest himself. He hasn't been sleeping well lately, and I think he would definitely do well with a fresh perspective."

"Yeah."

"What would you like to eat Ariel? I may take you up on your offer to drive for a while. You can go wherever you want and stop whenever you feel like it."

"Okay."

I wasn't too thrilled with the idea though. All I really wanted to do was call Adam. I wanted all of the crazy events of the past few weeks to never have happened, including Summer's kids ever having been taken away in the first place. I wanted my safe, comfortable life back.

"I want a number one to eat with no onions and the ketchup and mustard on the side with curly fries. Can I have an orange juice to drink and a cappuccino?"

"I suppose. Would you like a soft drink as well, in case you decide you don't want to pull over for a while?"

"Yeah. Whatever kind of cola they have is fine."

"Okay."

Mom placed our orders when it was our turn. When Mom had paid and we had received our food and drinks, she pulled over into the parking lot and we switched places. We ate in the parking lot and then I pulled out onto the road. I felt a little nervous driving since I really hadn't done it often since I'd passed my driver's education course and then the test for my license, but I knew Mom was really tired.

She fell asleep less than five minutes after I took over. I turned the radio up a little and tried not to think of any of the events that had led us to that moment in time. I reached the highway and decided to keep going west because it seemed as good a direction as any at the time. When the driving got really boring and I was stopped at a railroad crossing on the way through some little town, and Mom had been asleep a couple of hours, I stole one of her cigarettes. It tasted like shit, and I couldn't understand how anyone could stand to smoke enough cigarettes that they could ever get addicted to smoking.

It was the middle of the afternoon when Mom woke up. Her phone had rang dozens of times but I hadn't wanted to disturb her, knowing that it was probably Dad calling, wondering where in the hell we were. She almost looked at peace when she was sleeping too, and I didn't want to take that away from her.

She stretched and sat up and gave me a smile. "Good afternoon Ariel Rose. You seem to be pretty comfortable behind the wheel since we haven't stopped anywhere. Are you sure you don't want to look for a car?"

I shook my head. There was an exit up ahead and I really needed to pee and I was hungry again. "I have to pee Mom. Do you think we could get a real lunch? I think Dad's called you about a thousand times since you fell asleep."

Mom sighed. "I had figured as much. I'll call him back in a bit. I don't want him to report us missing. I meant to leave him a note, but I don't think I was in my right mind after Mark called me. I was so worried about getting us out of there."

"Mom, I still don't understand how you think you're going to help me with this crazy stuff that's been going on in my brain. The headaches, they hurt so badly."

"We'll eat wherever you want honey. I think that we can find a good combination of natural supplements both to help you sleep and to ease the pain from your headaches, though I hope we don't have to deal with another one of your bad headaches and what seems to cause them anytime soon."

I pulled off at the exit. "Yeah, me too. There's a buffet up there. Do you want to eat there?"

Mom gave me a look. "Has your period been on time this month Ariel? Are you still taking your birth control pills? Your father mentioned that you still seemed to be rather um, entangled with Adam when he walked in on you last night and that there didn't seem to be a condom to get rid of."

I made a face. "It's kind of gross that Daddy noticed that, but no, we didn't use a condom. I have been taking my birth control pills because they make my periods shorter and more regular. My period isn't due until the end of the month."

"I see. Well, as much as I'd love to have another grandchild, I don't believe that we need the added complication that a pregnancy would bring for you right now. I don't believe that Adam's parents would be very thrilled with the prospect either."

"I always thought they liked me."

"They probably do honey. I suppose that our family may seem rather unique to some, with what went on in my past and the fact that your father and I were still both married when we got together. Some don't find my art to be appropriate because some of it is rather sexual. Your father and his college friends were quite risqué when they did their TV show. It also seems to still circulate around town that your father and I created Bobby when I was still in the hospital after having Billy since they're so close in age."

I made a face as I pulled into the parking lot of the buffet. "That is so gross. And Billy and Bobby are thirteen months apart so anyone who believes that doesn't know how to add very well."

Mom laughed. "True."

We got out of the car and went into the restaurant. We didn't talk about anything serious while we ate. We wandered around a nearby shopping center for a while and I convinced Mom to let me call Adam. She had a long drawn out conversation with Dad that didn't seem to go very well, because she raised her voice a couple of times and she cussed a lot. Mom tries not to cuss much, but when she's pissed you'd think she was a drunken sailor. That's probably a dumb saying these days I guess, but you get my point.

We were outside the store so that Mom could smoke. I moved a ways away from her and dialed my phone. My heart was beating triple time as I dialed Adam's number. I couldn't wait to hear the sound of his voice. But he didn't pick up. I wanted to cry as I waited to leave a voicemail. I wasn't even sure what to tell him.

The beep sounded and I said "Adam, I love you. Mom and I are going to be gone for a while. I am so sorry that I didn't get to say goodbye to you. I miss you already and I won't forget you. If you still love me, will you come for me after you graduate so that we can be together again and so my Mom can stop worrying about having to take care of me and go home to my dad and brothers? I'll call you again soon and try to explain better."

I hung up the phone and went back over to Mom. She was still talking to Dad, but it looked like things had started to go better. She said "I know Darren. I'm going to miss you like crazy too, but I need to do this for Ariel. Please tell me that you can understand that." She paused and then said "I know. Tell the boys I love them. We'll come up with some kind of explanation for them later. I'll call you back tonight after we stop for the night and I'll talk to them then. I love you." She listened to Dad for a few minutes and then a barely audible sigh escaped her lips. "You'll be fine honey. I'm going to let you go now okay? I love you Darren, always know that. Goodbye."

Mom hung up her phone and turned to me. "Did you get a hold of Adam?"

"No. Just his voicemail. What if he hates me too? Like Dad does?"

"Honey, Dad doesn't hate you. He told me to apologize to you for all of those hurtful things he said last night. He didn't mean them. Adam doesn't hate you. Adam loves you. What you've found with Adam is a gift. I don't think that time or distance is going to take that away."

"Dad is still scared of what I can do, and so are you. I think Adam is too. What if he's still with me because he thinks that I'll hurt him if he breaks up with me?"

"It's not unreasonable to sometimes be frightened of things we don't understand Ariel. When more light has been shed on exactly what's going on with your mind, we'll all feel more comfortable with it. We'll learn to deal with the things that you've done in the past. Tomorrow is another day. Dad and the boys will be fine without us for a few months or however long it takes to get all of this straightened out. And I'm sure that Adam's heart will only grow fonder of you in your absence."

I sighed. "I hope so. I really don't know how I'm going to live without him."

Mom squeezed my hand. "There's a store over there that may have some natural supplements since I managed to leave all of mine at home. There's also some nice tea that we can try. I know you don't like to drink hot tea very often, but we can make plenty of iced tea. And you can feel free to let your creativity flow with your writing. I know I always feel out of sorts when I'm not able to let mine out."

"Yeah. Let's go."

I followed Mom to the store. She took forever looking at different types of supplements. I got bored and wandered over to the book section. There was a really cute guy looking at the vitamins and Mom happened to catch me checking him out when she finally came to find me. She gave me a grin, but I shook my head. I missed Adam so much already that I had no idea how I was going to live without him for six days, let alone the six months that were left in the school year.

Mom bought a bunch of stuff. She was trying to explain some of it to me after we left the store, but I didn't understand half of it and didn't really care honestly. I'm not saying that what she was saying didn't matter to me, especially since I knew that she was trying to help me, that she was in essence putting her life as Dad's wife and Billy and Bobby's Mom on hold to try to help me get through whatever in the hell was happening in my life, but I was depressed.

We went back to the car after that and Mom asked what direction we should go in after we got back on the highway. I told her to keep on going west and she nodded, and started the car. We pulled over a couple hours later at some corny roadside attraction. Mom took pictures for Dad and the boys and bought some t-shirts and this hat that I thought was really ugly to send to Dad. I tried calling Adam again, but it still went to voicemail. I didn't bother to leave another message.

We stopped in a small town around eight o'clock at night and went to a discount store and bought clothes and toiletries and a pillow for Mom since she has this thing about having to sleep with her own pillow no matter where we go. She bought art supplies for herself and a printer for me. She also bought a really nice digital camera and a camcorder so that we could share our "adventures" with Dad and the boys.

She asked me if there was anything else I wanted or needed and I shook my head. She gave me a pouty face which made her look like there was no way in hell that she could be old enough to be the mother of an almost thirty year old child. I laughed and tried to be in a better mood for her.

She convinced me to help her dye her hair blonde with a temporary kit and I decided that I wanted to put colored streaks in my hair. On the way to the hotel that Mom had made a reservation at once we'd decided that we were staying in town for the night, she saw a shop that did tattoos and piercings and suddenly decided that she wanted to get her nose pierced. It was a little weird, since Mom is almost 50, but it looked really good. I got my nose pierced too, but I think that Mom's looks better than mine does. I got stuck with my Dad's nose which isn't big and ugly, but I wish sometimes that I had Mom's cute little nose.

The guy that did our piercings was totally giving Mom the eye, even though she obviously still had her wedding ring on. I teased her that I was going to tell Dad. We were both in a better mood by the time we got back to the hotel. I could almost pretend that we were having a girls' night out or even a long weekend without Dad and the boys. That idea pretty much faded after we had eaten dinner and dyed first Mom's hair then mine, because Mom got into an argument with Dad. And I heard my little brother crying when he talked to Mom.

Okay. I am a Daddy's girl or at least I was, though of course I love both my parents. Billy is kind of equal opportunity. He loves both of our parents of course, but he's been closer to Dad at different times in his life and closer to Mom at times. Bobby is thirteen and it's weird because he's this total just-teenage boy I guess. He plays sports and video games. I think he's probably kissed more girls than Billy has, because some girl in his class is always calling the house for him, even though he has a cell phone. But he is a total Mama's boy. Always has been and probably always will be. Billy used to tease him about it, until Bobby kicked his butt one night. Mom and Dad let him because it's not like he really hurt him. They were ten and eleven at the time.

I know this, Mom knows this, and Dad knows this and everyone is okay with it. I just don't think that it dawned on Mom what kind of affect her walking away with me for an indeterminate amount of time would actually have on Bobby. I shut myself in the bathroom and pretended to be admiring my hair and my nose stud. I couldn't stand to hear my brother crying or my Mom crying because yes, she started crying after a while too.

So the night went to shit after that. Bobby didn't want to get off the phone with Mom, and Dad couldn't calm him down from what I heard of Mom's side of the conversation. I'm pretty sure that Bobby accused Mom of loving me more than him. He knows better, but he's thirteen and I don't understand what the hell is going on at almost eighteen. He doesn't know the whole story either, so I can't imagine how shitty he must feel that Mom left him.

I tried to call Adam one last time, but it went straight to voicemail, like he was ignoring phone calls or something. So neither Mom nor I were happy campers by bedtime at all. I fell asleep for a while but woke up when I had what I considered to be a nightmare. I didn't kill anyone thank goodness, but I woke up feeling worse than I had before I went to sleep. I'd dreamed that Adam already had another girlfriend.

Mom was still up or had woken up herself again by then. She was drawing a gorgeous picture of our family when I peeked over her shoulder. She had set aside another picture of just Bobby on the table. She'd made my brother look like an angel. I don't mean with wings or anything, but it was this sort of beautified picture of him I guess. My little brother is cute or handsome or whatever it is that thirteen year old boys are, but she had made him look perfect.

Tears stung my eyes and I felt like shit again for taking Mom away from the rest of our family. I hadn't asked her to leave them, or for any of this shit to happen in our lives, but I still felt terrible. Mom looked up at me and smiled. She moved the picture of Bobby aside and picked up a picture she'd drawn of Adam and I. That did make me cry because it was perfect too.

It showed me looking up at Adam and hanging onto his arm. I've always liked to be close to him even before this whole weird connection thing started happening. It's never bothered him that I always want to hold his hand or his arm or whatever when we're together. It's not exactly a clingy thing, and it's not exactly a possessive thing either. I think it's just an Ariel loves Adam thing. I'm 5'6 and Adam is 6'4 and he's big. We might look kind of funny together but I don't care.

In the picture that Mom had drawn, I'm looking at Adam with this totally adoring look on my face He's looking at me with so much love in his eyes, that I can only hope he looks at me like that in real life. Okay, so sometimes he does look at me like that, but most of the time it's when he thinks I'm not paying attention. I know he loves me, and it's okay that he's not always one of those guys that are super sensitive and always know the right thing to say to a girl. Mom captured Adam perfectly. He looked so hot, and of course she made me look at least a little bit prettier than I really am.

She handed me the picture and then hugged me. I said "Thank you."

I went to the bathroom and wiped my face and blew my nose. Mom was already back at work on her family portrait when I went back out to the bedroom. I don't think she slept anymore that night if she'd ever been to sleep at all. I was able to go back to sleep luckily and she let me sleep in the next morning.

We got dressed and checked out of the hotel. We stopped and bought the stuff so that Mom could send the pictures to Dad and the boys. When I saw her putting them in the envelopes, I saw the one that she'd been trying to hide from me which was a nude picture of herself. She put that in an envelope that was addressed only to Dad. I had to smile, because it seemed like something I would do if I could draw instead of my Mom sending a naked drawing to my Dad. I was pretty sure that Dad remembered what she looked like naked after being with her for more than eighteen years, but I wasn't going to mention that to her.

We ate breakfast at a little diner. Then I took over driving again because I knew that Mom had to be tired since she'd been up all night drawing. I drove most of the day, and only pulled over in the town that we're in now because Mom woke up and wanted to go to this book store. It was a weird book store. Mom wouldn't tell me what exactly it was that she was looking for. I'm not sure that she knew.

She picked out a bunch of books on anything from meditation, to telekinesis, to the meaning of dreams. I figured that she could have found most of the stuff that was in those books on the internet if she'd searched hard enough, but I think she was tired of being in the car. We ate dinner at an Italian restaurant and then made a stop at a discount store again. Mom had suddenly decided that she wanted to put a temporary colored streak in her hair too.

I thought that she was going a little weird on me already, but knew that she already missed Dad and the boys more than she wanted to admit, even to herself. I tried to call Adam for the first time all day and was informed that his number had been disconnected. You can imagine how that made me feel.

I locked myself in the bathroom and refused to come out for half an hour. Then I finally decided that I couldn't stay locked up in some random motel bathroom for the rest of my life, and cried on Mom's shoulder for a while instead of whining to myself in my head. She was on the phone with Dad and the boys when I first started writing this. Like I said before, I don't think Dad wants to talk to me. Billy and Bobby both asked to talk to me. I had to tell Billy three times that I wasn't pregnant before he'd shut up about it. I still don't think that he believes me. Bobby of course needed my assurance that Mom doesn't love me more and that she still loves him.

I couldn't sleep after Mom went to bed, so I'm still sitting here in this uncomfortable chair that looks like it came out of somebody's kitchen circa 1950. It's still playing out in my head over and over that Adam told me he'd walk through hell and back for me. And now, his cell phone is disconnected and there is no way in hell I'm calling his house.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to sleep at all tonight but I guess I'll try. I made Mom buy me a bottle of Adam's favorite cologne when we were at the store and I put some on my teddy bear. I am a total dork I know, but I miss the way he smells so badly. I was going to have him send me a t-shirt of his that he'd worn if I could get a hold of him so that I could sleep in it. It would have been a generic way to feel like I still had his arms around me, but it would have felt a lot better than this does.

So I guess I'll try to go to bed now. Goodnight whoever you are and wherever you are. I hope that your life lately has been better than mine, and that your day on whatever day you read this has gone better than mine has today.

Chapter 6

It is now about twenty four hours from when I last wrote. Wow has it been a day. Mom decided that we'd stay in this town for a few days, and this morning she wanted me to try some meditation techniques with her. I was okay with that, but first she wanted me to try to put a picture of something in her head. That was where the weird shit started to happen again.

We both sat cross legged on the bed she'd been sleeping in. We closed our eyes and I linked my fingers through Mom's. I figured she wouldn't block me like Adam had. I figured that I might as well show her the tattoo that I had wanted to get because I was beginning to think that there was no way I'd be getting it anymore. My head started to hurt about two minutes into our sitting there, and I wanted to drop Mom's hands, but she squeezed mine, so I think she was starting to see something.

Then there was this flash of light. It wasn't just in my head. It lit up the whole room and then I did drop Mom's hands. I opened my eyes and my head started to pound. It took a minute or two for my vision to return to normal, but the messed up thing was that I had not only made my Mom see my tattoo, bright and clear in her head; I made her lose her vision for a good five minutes after I dropped her hands.

I was terrified of course, and wanted to take her straight to the emergency room, but she asked me to get a washcloth wet and put it over her eyes for a few minutes. She lay back on the bed with it over her face for a while. Then she was fine. We both still had a headache, but we took one of her natural supplements for pain relief and both of our headaches eased.

I still felt terrible for making Mom blind even temporarily, and had no idea what the difference had been between when I'd shown her my tattoo and when I'd shown Adam. I guess maybe it was the fact that I obviously have a different type of connection with her than I do with Adam.

She drew a picture of the tattoo and teased me about it being corny, but it was as perfect as I thought it would be when I'd thought about her drawing it before. After that, we went out to lunch.

That was where the second weird thing of the day happened. We were at a hamburger joint and we walked by this teenage couple. I happened to see the guy check me out when we walked by. His girlfriend didn't notice then, but when we went to wait in line to order, I happened to think kind of absentmindedly that he'd been checking me out. I looked at his girlfriend and she got this look on her face like 'what the hell'. I think somehow I put it into her head that he'd been checking me out without meaning to.

That spooked me more than a little, because I hadn't been concentrating. And it wasn't like I'd wanted her to be aware of the fact that her man had checked me out since she hadn't noticed. I know that Adam checks other girls out even when we're together sometimes. I don't let it get to me unless he's openly ogling a girl, but I know it bothers some girls. I think that it really bugged this girl, because she started a fight with her boyfriend over it.

She started yelling at him right there in the middle of the restaurant. I heard her say something about how if he'd rather be with a freak like me, then he was more than welcome. I felt like shit after that, even though I have felt like some kind of a freak for a while now. If only she knew the truth though, I don't think she would have shoved her boyfriend in my direction.

He bumped into me since we were still last in line and gave me a totally embarrassed smile. Then his girlfriend called my Mom an even bigger freak and a cougar. I sort of put it in her mind on purpose that her boyfriend hadn't only been checking me out, but had actually been picturing me naked. I knew that he had been. It wasn't like I could read his mind or anything. Maybe it was just I had been able to recognize it in Adam's eyes when he was picturing me naked for a while now, and that guy sort of had the same look in his when he looked at me.

Then she slapped her boyfriend really hard across the face and told him that he could walk back to school. I wanted to offer him a ride, since I had caused the whole issue directly and indirectly, but Mom gave me a look that said 'leave it alone'. He eventually walked out of the restaurant, talking on his cell phone.

So we ordered and we got our food and we ate at the restaurant. I didn't cause any more fights between teenage couples or any other couples. That was a relief. We went back to the hotel and we tried some meditation. That went okay, but it made me really tired for some reason. Mom told me to take a nap. She went back to work on her drawing and I fell asleep for about an hour and a half.

When I woke up my phone was ringing. I picked it up and there was no name, just a number. It was our home area code. I was curious to see who it was. I said "Hello."

"Rie? Are you okay?"

My heart felt like it wanted to beat out of my chest. It was Adam. "Adam, why did you change your phone number?"

Adam sighed. "My parents did that. They seem to think that you're a bad influence on me all of a sudden. I guess because your Dad called and told them that he caught us having sex again. Or it could have something to do with the fact that they got this crazy idea that your Mom was trying to buy me from them. Rie, did your Mom really call my parents before you left and practically beg them to let me go with you? Where are you and what's going on?"

I glanced at Mom. She was still in her own world, painting now instead of drawing. She was painting a picture of us together from this dumb picture we took when we were at that roadside attraction. She always manages to make herself look beautiful on the rare occasions when she draws or paints herself, but still less beautiful than she really is somehow. People she loves, we're always a little bit better looking or damned near perfect.

"Mom is trying to help me deal with all of this stuff that's going on in my head. Some weird stuff happened today, but I'll tell you about it in an e-mail because half of it sounds dumb when I think about it, let alone say it out loud. Mom did ask your parents if you could come with us. She said that your Mom seemed to get a lot of satisfaction from telling her that you were better off without me, and hanging up on her."

Mom wasn't quite as involved in her work as I'd thought. She gave me a slight smile and said "Is that Adam?"

I nodded. She gave me another smile and shook her head and then went back to her work.

"Yeah, my parents have all these crazy ideas about you and your family now. Half of it is from stupid old rumors, but I don't care. I'll never stop loving you. I miss you so much."

"Oh Adam, I miss you too. I love you so much."

"I'm going to find you after graduation. I'll skip all those stupid parties and I'll come straight to you. Can you wait for me Rie?"

"Of course I'll wait for you Adam. I can't imagine ever loving any other man."

"I have a job now that's more than every once in a while. I'm going to save as much money as I can. Do you think that you'll be able to have all of that stuff in your head figured out by graduation? Will your Mom let you come with me since she took you away from everybody?"

I sighed. "I don't know. We'll figure it out. I got my nose pierced and put a purple and a blue streak in my hair. They're temporary but I think they look pretty cool. Do you want me to send you a picture?"

"I want you to send me a thousand pictures. I don't want to go a day without having a new picture of you babe. Um, do you think that you could send me some dirty pictures too? We've had so much sex lately and well, I am a guy. You probably don't wanna know what I'm gonna do when I look at them but . . ."

"Adam."

"What? Like you wouldn't have guessed what I'd do with dirty pictures of you when you're not here anyway. We could have phone sex, but that would be totally wrong with your Mom right there. You can call me and we can do it when she's not around though. That actually sounds kinda fun."

"Adam you are such a pervert." Mom laughed, and I thought it was a little weird until I remembered she had already sent a naked drawing of herself to Dad. I turned away from Mom a little and said "I think I could send you what you asked though. Um, we can do the other thing too. Maybe."

"Hell yeah. I get to have phone sex for free and I know the girl on the other end of the line is totally hot. Do you want naked pictures of me?"

I laughed, but my face got hot. "Um, maybe with your shirt off, but not totally you know."

"Ah baby, you're no fun."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah right."

"Okay, so maybe you are. I gotta go baby. I'll call you tomorrow and try to call you or at least text you every day. I love you."

"I love you too. Adam?"

"Yeah? Did you change your mind about wanting naked pictures of me? 'Cause I'll take one and send it to you right now. My parents are gone."

I shook my head. "No." I had a feeling that he was going to end up sending me at least a few anyway. I didn't really mind, but I didn't want to admit it in front of my Mom. "Hang on a second." I turned to Mom. "Mom are we gonna be here a few more days at least?"

"I suppose we could be. Why?" She had kind of a guarded look on her face. I think that she was worried that I was going to tell Adam exactly where we were and he was going to show up.

"I want Adam to send me something." I heard him laugh and I rolled my eyes. "I mean in the mail. We can get mail here right?"

"I wouldn't see why not honey. What exactly is it that you want him to send you?" She looked like she was trying not to laugh.

Now Adam was really laughing. "Um, a shirt that he's worn so that it smells like him."

Mom smiled. "I see. That's fine. Just make sure he doesn't send you anything extra along with it."

"Okay. Thank you." She handed me a piece of paper that had the address of the hotel on it and I turned back to my phone. "Did you hear that? Will you pretty please send me one of your shirts after you've worn it?"

Adam laughed. "Of course I will babe. I'd send you the one I'm wearing now, but I got kinda sweaty today. I don't think you want a shirt that smells like me like that. What do you think your mom was talking about when she said that she didn't want me to send anything extra with it?"

"Um, probably that other thing we talked about or with you inside it or something."

Adam laughed again. "Yeah, I don't think I'd fit in a box real well. And there's no way I'm going to take a dirty picture of myself and go get it developed. My parents would kick my ass if they found out. I don't want anyone besides you looking at me naked anyway."

"Ah, that was almost sweet. Let me give you the address."

"Okay. Let me find a pen. Then I really do have to go babe, or I'll be late for work my first day and that won't look good at all."

I sighed. "Okay."

He came back to the phone a minute later. "Go ahead."

I gave him the address and then said "I love you Adam."

"I love you too, Rie. When I told you that I'd walk through hell and back for you, I meant it. It's gonna feel a little like hell without you, but it's gonna be like going to heaven when I have you back in my arms."

Tears pricked my eyes. "You are the sweetest pervert ever Adam."

He laughed. "You know it baby. I'll talk to you later Rie. Try to send me a naughty picture tonight if you can okay?"

I shook my head. "Uh huh. I'll try. Bye Adam. Have a good first day at work."

"Bye babe."

I hung up my phone and turned to Mom. "How long do you think it will take Adam's shirt to get here?"

Mom laughed. "Well, there are still different methods of delivery of course, but I have a feeling that Adam will get it to you the quickest way possible."

"I hope so. Do you think that it could be here the day after tomorrow?"

Mom hid a smile. "I'm sure that Adam will probably manage that darling."

"Okay. I'm gonna take a shower."

"Okay." If Mom wondered why I took my phone into the bathroom with me, she didn't say anything.

I managed to take two naked pictures for Adam without feeling two weird, and sent those and several more of me with my clothes on. I had stepped into the shower when I felt the blinding pain of a headache hit me again.

I sat down on the floor of the tub and said "Shit." I wondered what in the hell was going on, until I got a clear picture of Adam in my head getting into a car accident.

I didn't bother to turn the shower off, just stood up, stepped out of the tub and grabbed my phone. I dialed the number that I had saved and waited impatiently for him to answer.

Adam's voice was quiet when he answered. "Damn baby, I miss the sound of your voice already too, but I'm at work. Thanks for the pictures by the way. You are so fucking beautiful, especially without any clothes on."

I fought an eye roll, even though I didn't think I'd ever been happier to hear his voice. "Are you okay? I had a vision that you got into a car accident."

"Last time I checked I was pretty damned fine. Or I always thought that you thought so at least."

"Adam be serious. You have to be careful. I don't know what the hell is going on with my crazy brain right now, but I saw you getting into an accident and being seriously injured. Your car was totaled and it didn't look like you were walking away. I can't lose you, especially now."

"I will be super, extra special careful for you to make sure that your man comes back to you with all of his pieces intact okay?"

"Promise me that you'll be careful. That you'll remember the defensive driving stuff from drivers' ED and that you'll always be on the lookout for crazy drivers."

"Honey, I didn't learn shit that I didn't already know in drivers' ED. All I was concerned with was trying not to look like I was looking down your shirt all the time when I really was since they were dumb enough to sit us at tables and let us choose where we sat. And how to tell you to stop chewing on the cap of your pen all of the time without sounding like an asshole or a pervert. You know that it drives me crazy when you do that. I can't stop thinking about the way you bite my lower lip sometimes real gentle when you kiss me. And of course when I think about kissing you that only leads to a lot dirtier thoughts."

I rolled my eyes. "You are a total pervert. Promise me that you'll be careful."

"I am not a pervert. I am a seventeen year old guy that misses his girlfriend's spectacular body and the way she feels in his arms. Hey, you wanna send me a piece of your clothes? Not a shirt but like a bra or a pair of your panties?"

I groaned. "No way. I have no idea what you'd want to do with one of my bras, let alone a pair of my panties. There is no way Mom is going to let me send something like that to you, even if I haven't worn it already. It's bad enough that she knows I miss you so much that it's already pathetic and probably knows that I brought my phone in here with me to take dirty pictures to send you before I got in the shower. Of course, she already drew a nude picture of herself and sent it to Dad, so things would be a little weird around here without my weird brain being up to new tricks."

"Uh oh. What's going on with your head now, besides making you freak out because you think I'm gonna get into a car accident?"

"I'll send you an e-mail after I'm done in the shower."

"I miss taking a shower with you. I miss washing your hair and the feel of your skin. It's so soft, even in the winter when your skin gets dry and you never seem to remember to put lotion on. I would so love to rub lotion all over you right now. I mean like all over you. I miss the way you lick the drops of water off of my chest and the way your hands feel when you wash me. Shit Rie, I gotta shut up or I'm gonna start having phone sex with you right here in the middle of the religious book store and that would not be good at all."

I laughed. "You're working at that place?"

"Yeah, nowhere else had anything even close to the hours I was looking for. They're paying me $10 an hour too, since they know my parents. Don't pretend that the stuff I said wasn't starting to get to you too. You're in the bathroom, so your Mom won't see your face get all red when you tell me how much you want me."

I licked my lips because they had suddenly gone dry. "Of course I want you Adam. I begged you to send me a shirt after you'd worn it didn't I?"

"Uh huh. But I wanna know how much you miss the way my hands feel on your body. Or the way that I kiss you or that thing I like to do with my tongue because I know it drives you crazy."

"This is still starting to sound way too close for comfort to us having phone sex. Are you all alone in the store?"

"Yep. They trust me and this place is dead. I really should let you go now though. I don't want to take advantage of their faith in me. Send me that e-mail. If you happen to take some more naked pictures of yourself when you get out of the shower and send them to me I won't mind. Take them before you dry off though. I like you when you're all wet and slippery. We are so gonna have some totally hot phone sex when your mom's not around and I'm not at work."

I laughed. "Uh huh. Bye Adam. Be safe. I love you."

"Stay safe yourself. I love you too, Rie. Bye babe."

My headache was already starting to fade. By the time I was done in the shower, it was gone completely. I was definitely thankful for that, but wondered whether my vision of Adam was some kind of premonition, or if it was just my mind reminding me that I was afraid to really lose him.

Neither Mom nor I was in the mood to go out, so we ordered dinner and ate it watching some silly sentimental movie on TV. I think we both needed a break. I didn't tell Mom about the vision I'd had of Adam, because I didn't want her to worry. She looked tired and I'd heard her call out Daddy's name in her sleep the night before.

We drank some tea and then she took a shower and took one of her natural supplements to help her sleep. I emailed Adam after that and I told him about what had happened when we'd gone out to get lunch. I had a feeling that he was probably going to think that it was pretty funny. One time when we were at the local swimming pool together during our first summer together, this woman that looked to be in her early twenties made this really dirty comment about Adam being big. It pissed me off because she said it really loud and it was obvious we were together since we were holding hands. I was still feeling a little off about him not being a virgin since we hadn't had sex yet back then.

I told Adam some kind of dirty stuff in the email too, but you don't really need to hear about that. I tried to work on my story for a while after that, but my inspiration seemed to have totally left me for the time being. I ended up deleting what I'd written because it was forced and it was crap. So now that I've recorded the events of the day, I think I'm going to take one of Mom's supplements myself and hopefully be able to get some dreamless sleep or at least sleep free from dreams of Adam with someone else and definitely free from me killing people.

I don't know if I'm going to write every day and make this kind of like a diary of the time until I'm back with Adam and Mom and I have hopefully gotten the stuff with my head at least partly under control, or whether I'll write about the important or interesting stuff. I am just a teenage girl and even if some totally crazy stuff has been going in my life lately, you really don't need to hear everything that goes on in my life or in my head.

Chapter 7

It's about two weeks later and we're in a different town now, in a different state. I convinced Adam to trade me shirts every other week or so since they stop smelling like him after a while. He told me that he wears them again before he washes them. It's kind of silly, but I guess it's certainly not any sillier than me asking him to send me shirts in the mail in the first place. Mom and I still don't have much of an idea of what it is that goes on in my head. There have been days where she's spent more time on research than she has on her work. I know that drives her crazy but of course there's nothing that I can say to talk her out of it.

Nothing really weird has happened lately. Mom has talked to a couple of weird people on the phone who are supposed to be experts on paranormal stuff or whatever you want to call it, but they weren't much help. She can't exactly explain to them what's really been going on with her seventeen year old daughter. There haven't been any cops knocking on our door to arrest us in the middle of the night. The news on the internet says that the trail for the "Family Court Serial Killer" has gone cold.

This weird guy visited us one day. It wasn't like he showed up at random; Mom asked him to come of course, but that was an experience. He was supposed to help me learn to focus my mind. All I could think about was the fact that he showed up without a shirt on and had all these really cool tattoos. I talked Mom into letting me get my tattoo, but she told me that I had to wait until I was eighteen. It's the end of January now. It's not exactly warm out and he didn't even have a coat on.

He helped me a little bit I guess. Now I can let everything go when Mom and I meditate. I think he knew how hot I thought he was. He was only twenty and he had a really nice chest, but I felt guilty thinking dirty thoughts about him. I think Mom knew from looking at his picture online that I'd think he was hot and chose him on purpose to remind me that there were other guys in the world besides Adam.

Dad talks to me on the phone now and Bobby's sort of gotten over the fact that Mom left without him. Dad says it's because he thinks he has a secret girlfriend. I'm thinking that he's probably right. Billy has a girlfriend too and that makes me kind of mad. Dad didn't want to let me date until I was sixteen. Mom had to sweet talk him into letting me go out with Adam when I was fifteen because she knew how much I wanted to go out with him.

Summer and the boys are doing well. She did all of her parenting classes already and doesn't really mind that she has to stay clean from drugs because she hardly ever smoked marijuana anyway. She told Mom that Kevin already lost his new job and that she has to bitch at him to get him to go to his parenting classes. She also told Mom that she's thinking of splitting from Kevin when their court case is closed. I don't know if that's good or bad, I know she really loves him, and still wanted to marry him last I knew. But maybe that will get him to finally straighten up and be the man that she deserves.

There is some exciting news, but it's nothing like the other stuff that's been going on in my life lately. It's the good kind. Both Stone and Trey are having babies, and they're due only three days apart. It's pretty cool that I'm going to be an aunt again. Now my brother Dylan will be the only one without kids. He and his wife have had a hard time having them. She's had a couple of miscarriages, but I think that it will work out for them eventually. They'll make really good parents.

Dad talked Mom into staying where we are for another couple of weeks. I don't mind since the hotel we're in is really nice and it has a full kitchen and two separate bedrooms. I know that it's pretty expensive but I don't think that Mom cares because she really doesn't care that much about money. The really good news is that Dad and the boys are coming to visit and they're bringing Adam with them!

Dad said that he really had to convince the Garrisons on that one and that they practically demanded proof that I wasn't pregnant. I'm not sure how Dad talked them out of that one, but I'm not pregnant since my period came right on time. I know that this next two weeks is going to pass so slowly or at least feel like it, so I figure that I'll either be writing a lot or not much at all. It's late. I'm going to bed, so I guess I will talk to you again when I do, whoever you are.

Okay, so it is three weeks after I last wrote and wow has some stuff happened. Nothing too big happened before our visit with Dad and the boys so I'll leave that out and start from that weekend. Mom decided to dye her hair blonde permanently or at least as permanent as it can get from a dye bottle because Dad thinks it looks really good. The colored streaks in my hair are now both blue. I convinced Adam to put a blue streak in his for a while too.

I guess he took a lot of shit for it when he went back to school, but his friends have been giving him crap about me having him wrapped around my finger since we first got together. So it's not like they said anything to him they hadn't already said before. Bobby does have a girlfriend. She called him every day they were here. It was so cute to watch him trying to hide it from Mom and Dad. He showed me a picture of her. She is so pretty. The thing is, she's not classically pretty and that makes me proud of my little brother since he's one of the most popular kids in his class.

Billy tried to be casual about his girlfriend, but he was texting her all the time while they were here. We went to this amusement park. That was the reason that Dad convinced Mom to stay here. The boys bugged him about going when they found out Mom and I were only half an hour away. It was fun, but I really wanted to be alone with Adam which was hard of course during the day. It was so good to see everyone.

Mom rented another room for her and Dad that was private and a two bedroom for the boys and let me and Adam stay together in our room. I was thrilled of course but it was really hard for Dad to okay it, especially since he'd promised Adam's parents that we wouldn't be sleeping together during their visit.

We had a lot of sex but I'm certainly not going to go into any details about that. I think Mom and Dad did too, especially since Billy and Bobby said that they heard them like all the time at night. I thought it was pretty funny myself but was secretly kind of glad that my brothers got to hear it instead of me.

The last night of their visit, Adam officially asked me to marry him and gave me an engagement ring. He made me promise not to wear it while Dad was around, which I thought was kind of silly since the dork had asked Dad for my ring size. Dad had had to ask Mom, so they both probably knew what was coming anyway, but I agreed. I put it on the second after they drove away though.

The worst part of the visit of course was saying goodbye or even I'll see you later. Billy dropped a few tears. I haven't seen him cry since he was seven and our dog died. Bobby blubbered all over Mom, and of course she cried right back at him, and then cried all over Dad. Dad was trying not to cry, but it finally got to him too much and he just let it go. We probably all looked pretty darned silly bawling in the parking lot of our hotel, but I don't think anyone cared.

I broke down and Adam hid his tears in my hair. Dad practically had to pry us apart. I didn't want to let him go. I slept so much better with him by my side and my dreams the nights he had been with me had only been happy. Dad bribed me by promising to try to talk Adam's parents into letting him come see me for my birthday, but I doubted that it would work.

Mom and I stood watching until long after they had driven away. She gave me a hug and then took my arm and led me back to our room. I had a mini melt down because I already missed Adam. We ate ice cream and watched silly romantic movies and didn't care how much either of us cried.

We checked out of the hotel the next morning and just drove for a while. We stopped and took pictures of whatever caught our eyes and tried not to think about how much we missed everyone or our old lives. When we stopped for the night, I was feeling terrible. I felt on edge and even Mom's natural supplements didn't calm me down enough to let me fall asleep.

That started my wonderful journey into being pretty much awake for almost three days straight. That really sucked. Mom wanted to drag me to the doctor, but I refused to go. I thought I was losing my mind even more than I already had because I started to see things that weren't there. I talked to Adam on the phone for almost two hours that night and still couldn't go to sleep.

Finally Mom broke down and bought me some over the counter sleeping pills that are probably anything but natural. I slept that night. The next day, we spent a long time meditating and using the mind clearing techniques that the hottie had taught me. It took forever for any of it to work, but I finally let some of it go after I cried over Adam for another half an hour.

Yesterday was not a good day. I woke up in the morning with a huge headache and couldn't remember what in the hell I dreamed about, but I was sure that I had killed someone again. Mom tried to convince me that I was overreacting but I still don't believe her. The only thing that calmed me down was when Adam sent me flowers. I'm sure they were expensive. I'm worried that he isn't saving any money with all he's spent on me, but I appreciated it all the same.

So now, it's time to try to sleep again. I'm hoping that one of Mom's natural sleep aids will be enough to help me sleep tonight, because I had taken another one of those other sleeping pills when I was sure I had killed someone again or was about to, but couldn't remember who.
Chapter 8

Okay, so it's been another month and Adam's birthday has passed. I didn't even get to talk to him on the phone. He was busy with his friends and his parents all day since it was a Saturday. You're probably wondering who I killed. That's a good question. I still don't know, just know that I killed someone. I got another headache a few days later and passed out again.

That bugged the crap out of me and no one could talk me out of feeling like shit afterwards. For all I knew, I had killed a little kid because there hadn't been any more CPS workers or anybody else that was in any way involved with family court that had died or at least not anywhere that was reported in the news. I figured it would have been too since they were hot on the trail of who they thought was the "Family Court Serial Killer". I felt shitty about that too. They questioned some guy who had by coincidence had a lot of the same people on his CPS case as Mom and Mark had, except his case was even worse because not one but two of his kids had died in foster care. They gave him his other kids back after that, but I wouldn't blame him for wanting to kill somebody.

I didn't have any more headaches or death dreams after that, but I was still totally stressed out and didn't sleep well for another week. I didn't think I was ever going to be able to control what my mind did, and I didn't think that I could live with the idea that I had already taken at least eight lives and possibly more.

Life got kind of boring for a while then. I meditated a lot and took only natural supplements to help me sleep. We moved around some and took pictures in random towns and at random attractions. I think Mom enjoyed that way more than I did, but I didn't want to take her enjoyment away. I knew this whole thing was really hard for her.

Chapter 9

So, it's been a while since I've written because I had a total meltdown right after my eighteenth birthday. I don't think that anyone really blamed me due to the fact that I had a major headache and passed out three days before, meaning that I had yet again killed someone. And again there was no dream to tell me who it was or give me any indication as to why my brain felt the need to kill again. It was bad enough to know that I had killed all those people involved with family court because they had treated my mom and my sister unfairly. But to think that I had killed some random stranger again, who could have been anyone, that was what finally pushed me over the edge.

The funny thing was that I was starting to feel like maybe I could control some of the stuff that I did with my mind. Mom and I did a lot of exercises and I could control whether or not we both had a headache after I'd told her things in her head, or showed her things, or whether just I did. Most of the time Mom told me to let her take the headache herself. They usually went away not too long after I'd given them to her, especially after she'd taken one of her supplements or drank some tea. I didn't really like knowing that I was giving her a headache. But if I took all of the pain myself, it took forever for my headache to go away and nothing seemed to ease it for me the way it did for her.

When I woke up from my nap and my latest mind killing, I got out of bed and immediately locked myself in the bathroom. Mom was in the other bedroom and too involved in her painting to notice right away. I don't know how long I sat on the toilet before she had to use the bathroom or noticed that I wasn't in my room. She knocked on the door. I got up and unlocked the door without saying anything to her.

"Ariel what's wrong?"

"I don't want to talk about it. I don't even want to think about it. I'm a freak Mom. I'm never going to be able to control the stuff that my mind does. I can't take this anymore. I want to die. The world would be better off without someone like me anyway."

"Baby girl, you were a very special gift that was given not only to your father and I, but to the whole world. I know that it's hard to see that sometimes, because a lot of very special people seem not to cherish themselves anywhere near as much as they love and cherish others. Talk to me baby. I have eight children, four grandchildren and two more on the way. I can take anything."

I knew that she was trying to make me smile, but I'd rarely felt less like smiling in my life. "You know what happened. Don't make me say it."

Mom sighed. "I thought you hadn't had any more dreams. That you were starting to be able to control what you can do, at least partly."

"It's obviously not good enough."

"So we'll work harder. As soon as I finish this painting, I can give you my complete attention for as long as you need it."

I shook my head. "You're not happy when you can't paint or draw. I mean you're obviously happy when you're with your family. But even when we're on vacation, you either have to stay really busy doing other stuff, or you end up drawing a thousand pictures of everybody or taking so many pictures and videos that everyone teases you about not wanting to miss a single second of our lives."

"I admit that I do overdo it sometimes, but I missed seeing my older children grow up baby. You have to give your silly Mama some allowances once in a while."

"I know Mom. No one really minds. Well, maybe they do sometimes when you preserve a lot of embarrassing moments along with the good ones. I don't think that I'll ever be able to really control my mind. I'm not going to take you away from something you'd rather be doing to try to help with something that no one can really help me with."

"Since almost 29 years ago Ariel, the most important job I've had was to be a mother. My work is my passion but you, your sister, your brothers, and your dad are my heart. I'm lucky I have a pretty big heart, because I also have some other wonderful family and some very dear friends, but you know what I mean honey. You are what's most important. I can't stand to see you feeling this way about yourself. It made it worse that Adam couldn't be with you on your birthday didn't it? Do you want to go get your tattoo right now? We'll go if that will make you feel even a little bit better."

"I don't want to go anywhere. I want to pretend that the rest of the world doesn't exist so that I can't cause any more damage to it."

"Ariel, do you want to talk to a therapist? You know you can tell me anything, but sometimes I wonder if this isn't just a bit too much for us to handle, even together."

"What could I tell them Mom? It's not like I could tell them the truth. They'd think I was crazy. I'm just glad that they finally gave up on trying to find the 'Family Court Serial Killer'. I would have turned myself in, if they had arrested the wrong person one more time."

"Do you want to talk to Daddy? He's usually better able to talk you out of a bad mood."

"This isn't just a bad mood and you know it. I can't deal with this right now. I'm a murderer. I'm always going to be a murderer, no matter what else I ever am. How can you even want to admit that I'm your daughter anymore? I've killed at least nine people now and probably even more. If I can't learn to control this, I could take out whole cities. Who the hell knows what my mind will decide to do next."

Mom squeezed my hand. "There has never been a moment since you've been born that I wasn't proud to say that I was your mother. There's nothing that will ever change that."

"But why? Maybe you and Dad and Adam are as bad as I am. Why would you want to love me after what I've done?"

"Love is a strange and wonderful thing. You don't stop loving someone because they've made mistakes in their life."

"Sometimes you do. Do you think that the parents of rapists and murderers and child molesters still love their kids?"

"I believe that some of them probably do darling. What your mind did was lash out at people that caused not only your family a great deal of pain, but the families of others as well. I admit that it was more unique and extreme than most, but we all have to learn to deal with our feelings before they get out of control."

"I didn't know they were out of control. Yeah, I didn't like any of those people that took Summer and the boys away from you and Mark. I know that you didn't deserve it. I didn't like that Penny lady because Summer and Kevin didn't deserve to have their kids taken away either. But it's not like I took my concentrated hatred for them and used it to kill them with my mind. I try not to hate anyone. Why should I have hated all of those people that took your kids away when you'd already forgiven them yourself or at least accepted what they'd done?"

Mom sighed. "To be honest with you sweetheart, a lot of those old feelings came back when Summer and Kevin lost the boys. I'd always had a fear in the back of my head that one of you would experience something like what I went through. I never thought that I'd be able to deal with it. Even if your father and I have more than sufficient monetary means to take care of our grandchildren if the need ever arises, when CPS is involved, children are not always placed with family. And with the termination of my parental rights previously, they could certainly use that to say that I wasn't fit to care for my grandchildren. Your father and I have had a very good lawyer on standby since before you were born to ensure that if you were ever removed from our custody, it would be very temporary. Your father was always willing to take full custody of you in the event that they decided I was the problem with our being "fit" parents."

"You and Daddy would have split up if they would have tried to take us away, just like that?"

Mom sighed again. "Your father knew my background before we got married. It wouldn't have been an easy decision to make, but we always agreed that if it was necessary we would do it. Especially since CPS held my supposed refusal to leave Mark against us in our termination trial."

"But you and Dad love each other so much. And it would have been so hard for us to be away from you. I don't know how you can stand to be without Dad and the boys right now. I can hardly stand to be without Adam."

"It would have been a temporary situation until CPS took their nose back out of our business. Your father was a life saver for me. Having you and the boys and having my older children back in my life helped to truly complete the healing process for me. I still feel the darkness creep back up sometimes because we all do, but I like to think that there's a lot more light in me now. It was a very bad few days when the boys were out of Summer's custody though. I wanted to hurt someone. If I was a different person, or hadn't met your father and given birth to you and your brothers, I have may have felt an inclination to harm Penny myself."

"But you wouldn't have and I did."

"Honey, we don't really know how we'll react to any given situation until we're actually faced with it. I fear that I may have passed some of my bad feelings to you. With your own anger and sadness over the removal of your nephews from your sister, it may have triggered your mind to take the action that it did."

I shook my head. "No. It was all me. Don't try to take responsibility for what I did."

"We have a connection Ariel. I believe that all people and all things are connected in some ways, but we don't normally tap into that connection quite so directly. I don't believe that you have the exact connection with your father that you do with me. And I think that what you have with Adam stems from your love for him and his for you. I am responsible at least partly for what you've done, and not just because I'm your mother. I passed something on to you when I was pregnant with you. Whatever it was it manifested into whatever is going on with your mind. Do you want to go out? Get something to eat or see a movie? You're starting to look pale."

"I just want to try to take a nap. Can I have some of that tea that's supposed to help calm you down and one of your natural supplements?"

"Of course sweetheart. I'll be right back." She patted my knee and then left the bathroom.

I went back to my bedroom and lay back on the bed. I felt tired of almost everything in my life. I was tired of not being able to see Adam every day. I missed my Dad and my brothers. I even missed my school, and I hadn't been the biggest fan of school since the end of my sophomore year.

Mom brought me a glass of tea and two capsules. She kissed my forehead and said "I may need to go out after a little while. Do you want me to wake you so that you can go with me? Or do you want me to bring you back anything?"

"I don't want to go with you. Will you bring me back a burrito from that place we ate at the other day please? And some orange juice. I think we're out."

"Okay. Sweet dreams my darling. I love you Ariel."

It took me a while to fall asleep. When I did, I had a terrible dream. And I woke up knowing that the person I had killed had been an elderly woman that was a grandmother. I had no idea what she could possibly have done to deserve to be killed, but I knew she was dead. I sat up in bed and groaned. My head hurt again and I hated myself.

I started crying. It was really hard for me to stop. Mom didn't come running, so I knew she was gone. Sometimes I think Moms have an extra sense that tells them when one of their kids is crying. Mine always knows when we are. She's even caught both of my brothers crying in their rooms a couple times. I'm not talking about when they were little either. I'm talking about in the last few years.

I tried to call Adam, but he didn't pick up his phone. That made me start crying again. I needed to hear his voice right then. I needed to know that he still loved me, because I definitely wasn't feeling too loving towards myself anymore.

I tried to write, but everything came out dark and depressed. I suddenly wondered if my words had the same power that my mind did. I felt like I was going crazy. I'm not sure exactly how much time had passed, but it had been a while and Mom still wasn't back. Then I got the idea in my head that she had run away from me. That she really couldn't stand me anymore. That she was going to go home to Dad and the boys and pretend I'd never been born.

The idea made me cry yet again. I wouldn't have blamed her if she really had felt that way. That's when I got the idea in my head that I could kill myself with my mind. I sat on the bed and closed my eyes. I pictured myself dying as hard as I could with all of my concentration. I sat there for what seemed like forever until I blacked out.

When I woke up my head hurt even worse than it had when I'd had my first really bad headache. It hurt so badly to move. Darkness had fallen. Mom wasn't back yet. So I began to wonder if she had really left me and decided to try to kill myself again. It may sound dumb that I didn't try to do it the old fashioned way, but I thought it was fitting for me to take my own life the way I had taken the lives of others.

I don't know how long I passed out the second time. I thought I was dead for a while, because I felt really weird and disconnected from my body. I think it was that I was actually feeling what happened when I left my body though. I had always wondered where I went. I didn't really go anywhere, at least not that time. I saw myself on the bed, and a little while later I saw Mom come in with a bunch of bags. She dropped them all on the floor when she saw me and ran to the bed and starting shaking me.

That's when I snapped back into my body. I sat up and coughed, then immediately lay back down. My pain was unbearable. My face was sticky with blood and there was dried blood on the sheet. I'd given myself a major nose bleed with my suicide attempt.

Mom sat on the bed. "My god Ariel, what happened?"

"Can I have a glass of water or some juice please?"

"Of course baby."

Mom brought me back both a glass of water and a glass of orange juice. I sat up and realized that I was starving. It felt so weird to still be alive, but at the same time I knew that there was some reason that I was still around. I knew at that moment that I could have killed myself.

"Did you bring food?"

Mom let out an uneasy laugh. "I did, but don't you want to tell me what happened first?"

"No. I'm starving. Why were you gone so long?"

"I ran into a big fan of my work at the art supply store. He wants to pay me a huge amount of money to paint a picture for him in the upcoming months. I told him I'd think about it and he gave me his card. Let me get you a washcloth to clean your face and then you can eat. Then will you explain to me what's going on?"

"Yes."

While Mom was in the bathroom, I tried to come up with a convincing lie to tell her. Who wants to tell their mother they had tried to kill themselves? I certainly didn't. But I knew that I couldn't lie to her.

Mom came back with a wet wash cloth. I washed my face. The blood on the sheet had started to gross me out so I took it off. There was a stain on the mattress. Mom said she'd scrub it out later. We both ate and then Mom gave me a look and said "Well?"

"You probably don't want to hear this, but I'm going to tell you the truth about what happened. But first can I have some of those pills for pain relief? One of the prescription ones and one of the natural ones please. It still hurts to move."

Mom didn't say anything, just did what I asked. I took both the pills, and then took a deep breath and let it out. "I tried to kill myself. With my mind."

Mom blinked. "Ariel Rose, please tell me that you're kidding me. Though it's certainly not very funny."

I shook my head. "No. I had a dream that showed me the last person that I killed. It was some harmless grandmother."

"You don't know that she was harmless. The other lives that you took were of people that had caused a lot of pain to a lot of people."

"Yeah, but they never killed anybody."

"Children in foster care commit suicide. Children in foster care are murdered. Parents whose parental rights have been terminated sometimes kill themselves. I thought about it many times myself. There are many victims of the family court and child protective services system."

"Not directly. It's all indirectly from shitty choices that other people make or someone not being able to deal with their pain. I've killed people directly. I have to learn to live with that and to control it, because if I don't I'm gonna try harder next time."

"Oh baby. I want to take your pain away so badly. What can I do for you?"

"I don't know Mom. I have to stop it or make something good out of it, though I have no idea how I'm going to do that."

"Do you want to call Adam and see if he can come up this weekend? Dad and the boys can't come. Billy has a play that he's working on at school."

"Billy's in a play? You've got to be kidding me."

Mom laughed. "No. His girlfriend convinced him to try out, and they both managed to get the lead roles."

"Wow, and we're gonna miss it."

"Dad will tape it for us."

"It still sucks though. I'll call Adam and see if he can come. His car should make it. I can give him gas money."

"I'll give him gas money. Your birthday money is for you to buy yourself something nice."

I laughed because I was starting to feel a little like my old self. "Adam is very nice."

Mom rolled her eyes. "Ha ha. Do you want to go get your tattoo tomorrow?"

"No. Not yet. I'm still feeling weird, and I don't know what will happen at any time anymore. I have to learn to control this shit."

"We'll figure something out baby. Do you want ice cream?"

"Yeah, but I can get it. You can go back to work. I'm starting to feel better. My headache is going away."

Mom touched my face. "I worry about you. This is so much for a girl your age to handle."

"This is a lot for a girl any age to handle."

"True, but you're much stronger than you realize. I'll get the ice cream and let you call Adam."

"Okay."

Mom took the bags to the kitchen and I dialed my phone. Adam picked up on the second ring. "Baby are you okay? I took a nap and had a nightmare that you got hurt. There was blood all over. You were so still. I thought for sure you were dead. I would have called you right away, but my parents dragged me out to dinner and made me leave my phone at home."

I took a deep breath and then let it out. Mom brought my ice cream and I gave her a quiet thank you. She went back into her room and shut the door. I was kind of surprised that she hadn't wanted to take me straight to the hospital, but I really was starting to feel a little better.

"Adam, can you come see me this weekend? I'll wire you money for gas."

"I'd love to babe, but I sprained my ankle and it hurts really bad. I feel like a total wimp, but it's true."

I sighed. "Adam please. Won't it be better by Friday?"

"Maybe a little bit at least. I guess I'll have to suck it up. My parents are leaving Thursday. They're gonna be gone until Tuesday so I won't bother asking them if I can go. Are you okay Rie? Tell me the truth."

"No. I'm not okay. I killed another person and I saw who it was. It was somebody's grandma Adam. I'm a grandma killer now."

"Baby you have no idea who she was. Maybe she was a bad grandma. Maybe she did terrible things to people. Just because you're old doesn't mean you're a good person."

"But I don't know that. I have to control this. If I can't, I'm going to end up trying to kill myself again."

"Wait Rie. Hold on a second. You said try to kill yourself again. What in the hell are you talking about? Tell me that you're just having a weird sense of humor day because that is not fucking funny."

"I'm not joking Adam. I tried to kill myself with my mind today. Mom was gone for a long time. I couldn't get a hold of you on the phone. I convinced myself that you didn't love me anymore and that Mom had gone home where she belonged."

"Rie, suicide is selfish. You're only thinking about yourself. You're having a pity party and not thinking about the destruction that you'd leave behind. I don't think your family could take it if you'd have succeeded. I know I couldn't have. Babe, no matter what you've done, we will always love you. None of this shit has been your fault."

"I think that I of all people have a right to have a pity party every once in a while Adam."

Adam sighed. "I didn't mean it like that. I know this is hard for you, but suicide is not the answer. You don't even know for sure that it would end what you can do. Who knows what goes on in the afterlife?"

I groaned. "Wow, that's just what I wanted to hear. Thanks for cheering me up."

Adam laughed, though it didn't sound like it held much humor. "I'm not trying to depress you more babe, but it's true. We don't know. If you had killed yourself, nobody knows what would have happened. That's why you have to do everything you can to learn to control this while you still can. I'll take over for your mom as soon as you're ready to get married."

"But you'd be putting your life on hold for me. How are you going to get through college worrying about me all the time? I'm not going to school. If I can't control this, I'd probably take out every teacher that gave me a bad grade or every girl that looked at you too long."

"You never did that here. Trauma triggered this. If they hadn't taken your sister's kids away without a good reason, maybe this would have been dormant for the rest of your life. Or maybe you would just have used it to get people to think what you wanted them to every once in a while. I don't care about school anymore. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters more to me than you. I love you Ariel Fletcher, now and forever. No matter what."

"Even if thinking about it hurts really bad, sometimes I think you'd be better off without me."

"No Rie. You are not making that decision for me. It's my decision to make. If you try to run away from me, I'll find you. Wow, that made me sound like some kind of a stalker. You need me, and I need you. That's all there is to it. Live with it."

I laughed. "You know, I think you're probably the only teenage boy on the planet that wouldn't have run screaming in the other direction after my mind killed Penny."

"I doubt that. There are plenty of weirdoes out there. We were meant to be together. And I need to stop sounding like such a sappy jerk or I'm going to make myself throw up."

I smiled. "I love you Adam."

"I love you too, Rie. I have to go babe. I'll call you tomorrow okay? Before you even think about doing something like that to yourself again, call me, text me, e-mail me, send me a brain wave. I don't care. Just give a guy a break when his parents are being jerks and think that he doesn't need to talk to his fiancé every second of the day. I don't know what I would have done if I'd come back and seen a missed call from you and then found out you were dead. I was worried enough as it was."

"I'm sorry. I'll see you Saturday then?"

"We get out of school early on Friday. I might be able to make it up there by late Friday. Or maybe early Saturday as long as your mom doesn't mind me knocking on your door at two o'clock in the morning."

"Mom sleeps really weird hours. At home, she tries to keep on sort of a normal schedule so that she can get us up for school and everything, and so we can all have dinner together. But here she lets her creativity flow until she's too tired to stay awake anymore."

"Okay babe. I'll see you late Friday or early Saturday then. I love you. Please promise me you won't try anything like that ever again."

"I have to learn to control this Adam. I don't think I can make that kind of a promise without knowing that I can learn to get this under control."

"Rie, we're gonna get through this. No matter what. Please promise me you won't try to hurt yourself again."

"I don't think Mom is going to let me out of her sight for a while anyway."

"I guess that will have to be good enough for now. Goodnight babe. Try to sleep well. Dream of me."

"I think really dirty thoughts about you when I'm lying there trying to go to sleep most nights."

"I know how that is. If our parents thought we were horny before, it's twice as bad since we've been apart."

I laughed. "Yeah. I love you. Goodnight Adam. I can't wait to see you."

"I know baby. I love you too. Bye Rie."

"Bye Adam."

When I hung up my phone I felt much better. I took my bowl to the kitchen and rinsed it out and left it in the sink. Then I knocked on Mom's door and asked her if she needed to use the bathroom before I got in the shower. She said no, so I took my shower and then lay down and went to sleep. My dreams were clear that night. I was very thankful.

The rest of the week seemed to drag. Mom didn't let me out of her sight. She also took more time than I knew she probably wanted to meditating and practicing with me. My control got a little better on Friday. Mom asked me to show her something specific but she phrased it wrong so my dirty teenage mind started to think about sex. I almost sent Mom a picture she probably wouldn't have appreciated. But I was able to pull it back and give her more of what she was looking for. That made me feel a least a little bit better.

I went to bed early, because I wanted to be wide awake by the time Adam got there, even if he wasn't. I think that it's kind of creepy when someone watches their lover sleep, but at that point I just wanted to see him so badly, even if he was sleeping.

Chapter 10

Adam arrived between one and two in the morning. He had quite a limp and I felt really bad about making him come. Then something very interesting happened. It made me think that maybe my mind could be used for something good every once in a while. Mom popped her head in right after Adam got there and told us that she was going to sleep and to try not to be too loud. She winked at me though. And she looked really tired so I figured she'd fall right asleep anyway.

Adam took his shoes off. His ankle was swollen and bruised. I made him take the bandage off to show me. I kissed his ankle and this weird feeling came over me. It was like I felt my love for him start to flow out of me. Yeah, that sounds really corny I know. But I think everyone who has ever loved someone has felt at least sort of like that at least once in their lives. You look at your lover or your child and you feel like you've never loved someone that much. That was how I felt when I kissed him, but it was on a deeper level.

He gave me kind of a weird look, but I took my hands and I put them both on his ankle and I let it flow. I let myself think about how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. My hands started to feel really warm, but I didn't let go. My head started to hurt, but I knew that I wasn't done yet. Adam made a funny noise then. It was kind of similar to the noise he makes when he has an orgasm, but different too. My hands started to get really hot pretty soon after that. I rubbed my hands over his ankle one more time and then I let go.

He opened his eyes and gave me this kind of dazed look. "Rie, what did you do?"

"You feel better don't you? That's what I was trying to do anyway."

Adam flexed his ankle, really slowly at first. "It does feel better. It feels much better. You made me feel really weird though. Right before you took your hands away, I felt this build up. It was almost like the way I feel when I'm about to come, but it was different too. It was almost better. Do you think your mom's asleep? I feel like I could make love to you for hours."

I smiled. "We'll just have to make sure we're quiet. What happened to your ankle anyway? You never told me."

"I was in a car accident."

"Your car is fine. I saw it out the window."

"Mike was driving. He got this great new car. He was going too fast. It was his fault. He got a huge ticket and messed up his car bad. I'm just glad we both walked away."

"I hope that's the only accident you get into. I hope that's what my damned vision was about. I can't stand the thought of losing you."

Adam reached out and brushed my hair back from my face. "I know babe. How do you think I felt when you told me you'd tried to kill yourself? I could never love another woman the way that I love you."

"Uh huh. What about Cory Callister? She's gorgeous and she totally has the hots for you."

"She's with that Antonio guy, the foreign exchange student."

"She'd drop him if she thought she had a chance with you."

Adam shook his head. "I don't care. I might have sex with someone else if I lost you, but it would never mean anything. You're my heart and soul Rie. Now can we have sex before I start to feel like an eighteen year old girl instead of an eighteen year old guy?"

I laughed. "Yes."

The sex was incredible. It came close to the fireworks incident, but never quite made it there. I never wanted it to end. I knew that Adam didn't either, but he was exhausted and I was tired too since I hadn't slept much during my nap.

We woke up at almost noon the next day. Mom was in the kitchen, cooking. I felt a little weird since Adam was still naked in my bed and so was I, but she gave me a bright smile and asked if we'd slept well. I told her yes and managed to hand Adam his boxers and his pants when she'd turned her back again. I got dressed too.

Mom sent us on a picnic since there was a park nearby. I think she wanted to be alone for a while. I couldn't blame her. Everyone needs some alone time every once in a while. The picnic was nice but we ended up making out on a park bench and got some really dirty looks from a couple of young mothers. We figured it was time to leave.

We went to the mall after that and wandered around for a while. Mom called me and asked if we wanted to meet her for dinner. So we met Mom for dinner and then went on the movies. She went back to the hotel. I think she knew I was safe with Adam. He said that his ankle hardly hurt at all anymore. The bruise was almost gone. I was excited but didn't want to be too hopeful. The movie we saw was kind of weird. Even weirder than the stuff that was going on with my mind. We stopped to pick up the milk that Mom had asked us to stop for and then went back to the hotel.

Mom was asleep. We could hear her snoring. She had a cold which was kind of weird since she doesn't usually get them, but not even her natural supplements were able to keep it away. We had sex and then took a shower. Then I decided I wanted to try with Adam what I had done with Mom.

We got dressed and then sat cross legged on the bed. I took Adam's hands and thought of something really dirty. I gave a little push with my brain, but then pulled it back and thought of something much more wholesome. I pictured myself pregnant and walking with Adam, holding the hand of our three year old son. I wanted to have a boy first. I was afraid of what I would pass on to our little girl if we had one.

I opened my eyes. Adam dropped my hands and gave me a silly grin. "Is that what would make you happy?"

I shook my head at him. "Of course it is. But wait. What did you see? I want to make sure you saw the second thing I tried to show you and not the first."

"Well, at first there was a flash in my head, but I didn't see any kind of a scene or anything. It started to come and then it went away. Then I saw us together, a few years from now I guess. You had longer hair. It was almost all the way to your butt. You had it in a braid. We were walking through a park with our son. He was two or three I think. You were pregnant. Do you really think I'd look good with my hair that short?"

I laughed. "I think you'd look good with your hair any length. I was remembering how short your hair was when we first got together. It looked really good then."

Adam kissed me. "We will have that kind of a life Rie. We're gonna figure all of this crazy shit out. Then you can have as many babies as you want. I think eight might be taking it a little far though. Can you imagine how many grandkids your parents are going to have by the time all eight of you are done having kids?"

"What if I told you I want ten?"

Adam raised an eyebrow. "You're kidding right?"

"Of course I am. I don't think Mom would have had eight kids if her first five wouldn't have been taken away."

"You never know. Sometimes things are just meant to be. They may seem really shitty at the time and it might be hard for you to see them as anything besides shit, but I can't imagine my life without you."

"You are so sweet. I guess we'd better go to sleep huh? You still have to leave tomorrow morning don't you?"

"Yeah. I still have homework."

"Adam."

"What? I didn't want to bring it with me. You're lucky that you don't have to worry about homework anymore."

"Yeah. Sometimes I think I'd give anything to have my simple life back."

Adam shrugged. "Maybe you had to do what you did. Maybe that lady wouldn't have given Summer and Kevin their kids back."

"I don't even wanna think about that."

"I'm sure your mom and your sister don't either." He kissed me. "Goodnight Rie. I love you."

"I love you too, Adam. Goodnight."

I had another death dream that night. I don't know what time it was, but I half woke up during it and felt for Adam. He was right there. I tried to open my eyes but they felt like they were glued shut. I knew that this dream was different somehow too. I knew that I wasn't going to have a headache and kill this nameless man days later. I was going to kill him within the next few minutes if I didn't stop it.

Adam squeezed my hand. "Baby. Are you having another nightmare? Do you want me to get your mom?"

I still felt half lost in the dream. I clutched his hand and tried to pull myself back but I couldn't. "Oh. Oh Adam."

"Rie. Are you awake or are you asleep? Are you having a nightmare or is it a dirty dream? 'Cause if you're asleep and it's dirty, as long as it's about me I'll let you have at it."

I could hear the smile in his voice. I tightened my grip on his hand. When I was able to speak, my voice felt like it was coming from a million miles away. "It's a nightmare Adam. I have to pull it back. It's different. It's gonna happen right now if I don't make it stop."

"What do you want me to do baby? I'll do anything."

"Just don't let me go okay? No matter what."

"I promise baby."

I let myself go back into the dream. I tried to walk away from the man but I felt pulled towards him like he was a magnet and I was a piece of metal. I made myself turn around, and put my hands over my face. I still couldn't walk away. I wished with all my might that he'd go away. He still stood there though, like he had no idea of the danger that he was facing. Maybe he didn't. I looked like a harmless teenage girl. Maybe a weird one, but pretty harmless all the same.

I tried to concentrate really hard on something else. Anything else. I thought of how much I loved Adam and my family but that didn't work. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I wasn't sure if it was Adam or if it was the man in the dream, but then I felt like a huge rubber band snapped me really hard, right in the middle of my head. I blacked out.

I woke up in the hospital. I was passed out for so long that Adam got scared and woke my mom up. My nose bled again. It wasn't just a little bit either. The really weird thing was that when I woke up in the hospital, my head barely hurt. Mom was out in the hall talking to some lady doctor, but Adam was right beside me.

He kissed my forehead very gently. "How do you feel?"

"Kinda like I have the flu or something. My body aches, but my head barely does. It's weird. I think I did it Adam. I think I stopped myself this time."

He squeezed my hand. "You scared us babe. You were blacked out for a long time. Your nose was bleeding all over the place."

"I don't care. If I can do it once, I can do it again. I don't care what it does to me."

"Rie, I understand why you feel that way, but no one wants to lose you."

"You won't lose me. I feel great. I feel the best that I've felt in months."

"Your mom is really worried. I think something weird might have showed up in your tests."

"How long have I been here?"

"It's Monday Rie."

"No, it's not. You were supposed to leave yesterday. You should be in school right now. Shouldn't you?"

"Yeah. My parents are going to be pissed, but I don't care. I can't leave until I know that you're okay."

"I feel great. Well mostly. I'm starving and I wanna get out of here. I don't like hospitals."

"I don't think anybody does. Your mom's coming back."

Mom stepped back into the room. She smiled at me, but it looked like she'd been crying. "Good morning baby girl. How are you feeling?"

"Okay. My head hurts a little, but nowhere near as bad as my bad headaches. I'm hungry Mom. Can we get out of here?"

Mom closed the door. "Sweetie, the doctor is concerned about your health. She won't tell me exactly what it is that concerns her, but it seems to be something serious."

"Then we need to get the hell out of here. Now. I'm not going to be experimented on like some kind of lab rat. Mom, let's go."

"Honey, I'm sure it's not like that. If something is really wrong with you, you need treatment. You scared us half to death yesterday."

"Mom, I get that you're not the fan of horror movies that I am, but when you're as different as I am and can do what I've done-let's just say that it's not good. Maybe what they found was only a little weird. No more hospitals and no more tests. I want a normal life or at least as normal as it can get after what I've done. I want to get married and have a family of my own. I want to be a writer. I can't do any of that if I'm locked up. I'm begging you Mom. Let's go. Now. Check me out against medical advice or I'll walk out of here myself."

Mom sighed. "You're eighteen. You can check yourself out. I'll go get the doctor. Adam do you want to go get the car? You remember where we parked right?"

"I think so." He leaned over and kissed me. "I'll be right back Rie."

He left and Mom left too. I sat up and was delighted to find that even my body aches were starting to ease. I wasn't hooked up to an IV so I went into the bathroom and got dressed. I was putting my shoes on when Mom came back with a young looking blonde doctor. She looked kind of prissy. For some reason, I disliked her immediately.

She tried to talk me out of checking out, but I told her no. She told me that they'd had some abnormal test results but didn't tell me what they were, so I told her I wanted to leave again, more firmly this time. I felt a little like pushing something into her head, but figured that it probably wasn't a good idea. She took Mom back out into the hall then, and tried to talk Mom into making me stay, but all she did was ended up pissing Mom off. Mom raised her voice and told her we were leaving and that my fiancé was already waiting with the car.

The doctor let out a really dramatic sigh then and mumbled something under her breath, but said she'd go get the discharge papers. Mom came back in the room then and gave me a tired smile. It took the doctor forever to come back. She was almost rude after that, but I didn't care. Security walked us to the door, which felt a little dumb to me, but I was thrilled to be getting out of there.

Adam was waiting in Mom's car. He got out and gave me a kiss and then got back into the backseat. We stopped for lunch and then went back to the hotel. Mom offered to call Adam's parents to explain, but he said he'd do it himself since he'd made the decision to stay. They seemed to still be a little weird in the way they felt about Mom anyway. Dad they seemed to be at least sort of okay with.

After Adam left Mom asked me if I was up to driving for a while. She told me that she thought that it was time we had a real place of our own. She thought she'd found the perfect house for us. It was out in the country and it had a huge backyard. I was sort of excited, but was mostly looking forward to summer when Adam and I could really be together again. It wasn't that far off, but still seemed like forever to me at times.

I told her I felt great. She gave me a wary look, but we packed up all of our stuff and checked out of the hotel. Adam called right after Mom and I switched seats. She'd slept for the first four hours of our trip. He said that his parents had been super pissed about his coming to see me without permission and then skipping school on top of it. They'd told him that he couldn't come to see me again until school was out. That idea really sucked, but I figured we'd deal with it.

We stopped for the night still three hours out from our destination. Mom had seen a tattoo parlor that was on some TV show and thought that they had some really talented tattoo artists so she talked me into getting my tattoo there. Her drawing of it was perfect and it turned out really great. Adam said that it looked totally hot when I sent him pictures of it.

We checked into our motel and both fell asleep right away. The next morning we both took a shower and then we had breakfast as this nice café. Mom had already made an appointment with the landlord to look at the house. I asked her if there were others we were going to look at but she said no.

When we got there, I was surprised. The house was huge and very well kept. It was pretty secluded. It had a huge back yard with a clothes line. The attic was huge. Mom thought it would be perfect for her studio. The landlord tried to talk Mom into buying the house instead of renting it, but shut her mouth when Mom gave her six months' rent upfront and the deposit. I thought that the rent was kind of high myself and didn't want to think of living another six months without Adam, but I didn't say anything. Mom seemed thrilled.

We bought a ton of groceries and she bought a ton of art supplies and told the rich guy that she'd start on his painting. I felt more confident that I could control my mind, so I started meditating by myself. I took all of the natural supplements that Mom did. It kept me pretty healthy too.

Time passed slowly and really fast at the same time. It sucked that I missed graduation but Dad filmed it for me and said that Adam's parents invited our whole family to his graduation party and even said that they were sorry I couldn't be there. I got my GED certificate in the mail soon after graduation.

I started writing again. A novel just flowed out of me. I wrote pages and pages every day. My headaches came and went but I didn't think that I'd killed anyone else and I hadn't had any strange dreams. Adam told me when he was coming to visit. I started counting the days. Dad was supposed to bring the boys and come down sometime during the summer too.

Chapter 11

A few weeks later, I was in our backyard hanging laundry on the clothesline when someone put their arms around me from behind. I started to fight until I realized that I recognized not only the scent of the person that had grabbed me, but the feel of the arms around my waist.

I turned to Adam and gave him the biggest kiss I'd thought I'd ever given him. "What are you doing here? How did you know where we were? I mean you have the address, but this place is kind of in the middle of nowhere."

"I asked someone in town where the weird artist lady and her hot teenage daughter lived."

I gave him a dirty look. "You did not call my Mom weird to some stranger in town. They don't seem to like us much as it is."

Adam smiled. "I didn't call your mom weird. The person I asked at the grocery store did. I didn't care though. I was too excited to see my fiancé."

"You were supposed to call me for directions. I didn't think that you were supposed to be here for another three weeks. What's going on?"

His grin got wider. "Remember my Dad's brother Owen, the one that's kind of the black sheep of the family? He happens to live a mile and a half up the road from you. I convinced him to let me help him out over the summer or until you've got all of the stuff in your head under control and are ready to marry me."

"Your uncle does not live right down the road from us. How could Mom not have realized that when she rented this place? This place was the only place she wanted to look at after we got here. I mean it's nice. I love the privacy and the huge yard and the attic works great for Mom's studio but. . ."

"No buts. I want to take you and your Mom out to dinner."

"Mom is so wrapped up in her work right now that I can barely get her to eat when I cook for her, let alone go out anywhere. She's doing this really involved painting for this really rich guy. Dad said that what he's paying her for it is enough to put Billy and Bobby both through college."

"So we'll go out to dinner and we'll bring your mom something back then. Where's your room? I'm not trying to be a pervert, but I have missed being inside of you so much."

I rolled my eyes. "If you were trying not to sound like a pervert, you could probably have chosen your words a little more wisely. We can't do it in my room right now. Mom can hear everything up in the attic. She swears that she can hear me typing on my laptop sometimes. Did I tell you that I finally finished my book?"

"I don't think so. So where can we do it then? There's no room in the backseat of my car since it's still packed full of all of my stuff. I haven't been to my uncle's house yet. I wanted to see you first. I would have just asked him for directions to get here but he wouldn't answer his phone." Adam gave me a pleading look.

"I don't know. I'd like to have sex, but I'm all sweaty. I haven't been the greatest lately about taking my birth control pills and I don't like the way it feels when we do it with a condom anymore."

Adam's grin got almost big enough to split his face then. "That's my girl. I don't care if you're sweaty. I don't care if you haven't been taking your birth control pills. We're getting married. I would be so proud to say that you're having my baby, whether it's nine months from now or nine years from now. Let's do it right here on the ground in between the sheets on the line. Nobody will see us." He kissed the side of my neck. "You look really good in that dress, all feminine and romantic. Let me see your tattoo."

I let him lift my dress and he kissed my tattoo. "It looks even better in person than it does in pictures. I can't wait to get mine."

"Have you decided what you're going to get yet?"

"I've narrowed it down to two, but I want it to be a surprise until after it's already done. C'mon baby, spread that blanket you have in the laundry basket out on the ground and let's make love. It's clean isn't it? We don't even have to get naked."

"Yes, it's clean but I'll have to wash it again. It's Mom's blanket. I'm not going to give her a blanket that we've had sex on."

"So you'll wash it again. She'll never notice. My body has missed your body so badly since the last time we were together. I want to do that thing to you that you talked to me about before all of this crazy stuff started happening, but not right now. I read an article about it in a women's magazine, and I think I can do it in a way that will totally knock your socks off."

I shook my head at him. "You did not just tell me that you read an article in a women's magazine."

Adam shrugged. "So what? I want to know how to please my woman in every way possible, and you were the one that brought it up in the first place."

"Yeah, because I was curious about what it felt like. I didn't necessarily want you to do it to me, let alone have you buy some magazine and read an article about how to do it."

"I didn't buy it you dork. It was my mom's magazine. Now c'mon sweetheart, let me love you."

"She didn't catch you reading it did she?"

Adam rolled his eyes. "No way. Quit worrying about my mom and your mom. Just worry about you and me, and the way my body makes your body feel. Let the rest of the world worry about itself for a while."

He kissed me and it was all too easy to only worry about the way he made my body feel for a while. I don't know how much time passed that we lay there together on the blanket, kissing, touching and eventually making love.

We were both bathed in sweat by the time we finished. I was trying to figure out a way to sneak him into the house and into the shower when my mom's voice startled me. She parted the sheets and looked at the blanket still spread on the ground and at Adam pulling his shirt over his head.

She gave me a smile and said "I see that you two have been partaking in some afternoon delight. I don't suppose that I can complain since you've been apart so long and you're both eighteen now and engaged to be married. Hello Adam. It's nice to see you."

Adam cleared his throat. "It's nice to see you too, Melissa."

Nobody calls Mom Mrs. Fletcher. She says that it makes her feel old. I think that it kind of offends Dad sometimes, but it's not like she's not proud to be his wife. She totally brags about him to everybody that we meet.

Mom glanced at the blanket on the ground. "I assume that you'll wash that again before you return it to me Ariel."

"Yes Mom. Sorry Mom."

Mom laughed. "I understand the needs of the human body. I have eight children don't I?"

Adam laughed. I managed a half-hearted chuckle. It was a little weird to have my mom know that we'd had sex on her blanket. "Mom, when are Daddy and the boys coming to visit?"

Mom sighed. "The boys want to stay behind. Both of them are convinced that they can't stand to spend even a day apart from their girlfriends. Your brothers are both turning into hopeless romantics like your father. Of course I suppose I should have expected as much with the way your relationship with Adam has progressed."

"So let them stay. Aren't Christian and Natalie going to stop in for a couple of days with Brooke when they go through town?"

"I believe so. I wish they could come out here, but it's too far out of their way. Your dad doesn't want to stay for a day or two though. He wants to try to stay for at least two weeks. He's going on tour again towards the end of the summer."

"How's he gonna manage to get the boys to go with him then?"

"I don't know honey. Maybe Stone or Trey can stay with them while your father's gone. Stone's wife is having such a hard time with her pregnancy being on bed rest."

"Is she still on bed rest? I thought that they let her off."

"They did, but she had a miscarriage scare and they put her right back on bed rest. Thora always was such a delicate girl. Trey's wife is such a hearty girl."

"Um, hearty Mom? Not that she's not gorgeous because she is, but Theodona is just straight up a big girl."

Mom smiled. "Okay, so she's a big girl."

My brother's wife is 6 foot tall and weighs around 175 pounds. She's beautiful, but no one is ever going to say that she's not a big girl and really mean it. It's weird because Stone and Trey are identical twins, so of course they look alike and are about the same size, but Thora is about half Theodona's size. She's 4'11 and weighs about a hundred pounds.

"Mom, Adam wanted to know if you wanted to go out to dinner with us."

Mom shook her head. "No thank you sweetheart. I still have so much to do on my painting before it's finished. Mr. Slater is paying me what I consider to be a ridiculous amount of money to do it for him though, so I can't really complain."

"Do you want us to bring you something back?"

"Yes please. I assume that you're going to the diner since it's the only place in town that serves food that actually tastes good. I'd like a hot turkey sandwich with mashed potatoes and peas for the vegetable if they have them, corn if they don't, extra mashed potatoes if they only have mixed vegetables. And an extra dinner roll please. If you remind me before you leave, I'll give you enough money to cover it."

Adam shook his head. "Don't worry about it. The least I can go for the lady that gave birth to my fiancé is buy her dinner."

Mom smiled. "Thank you Adam. Why don't you two go take a shower before you go out? And be sure to comb your hair out and wear it down when you go Ariel. You seem to have acquired a rather large hickey on your neck."

I gave Adam a dirty look. "Thanks for letting me know Mom. I'll fold the laundry and put it away after we get back okay? I'll make sure that I wash your blanket too. Do you want me to put it in the dryer so it will be dry by the time you go to bed?"

"No. I'll be fine without it tonight. Just try to remember to get it on the line first thing tomorrow so that I can have it tomorrow night okay?"

"Okay Mom. We're gonna go take a shower now. I love you. Try not to worry too much about your painting. Mr. Slater is gonna love it. Didn't you tell me that he's some ex actor you had a crush on when you were a teenager and that he hit on you at a party before you and Dad got married?"

Mom smiled. "Yes, I did and yes he did. I love you too, Ariel. Have a nice time in town. If there's something else you two want to do while you're there feel free. Dinner warmed in the microwave is fine with me."

"Okay."

I kissed Mom on the cheek and then we headed back to the house. She stayed outside to smoke a cigarette. She hadn't been able to quit smoking again, even though Dad always bitched at her about it lately. He had quit completely.

Adam put the basket of clean laundry down in the living room and we headed up to the shower. We got totally dirty in the shower and ended up having sex again. We'd never actually had sex in the shower before. It was definitely an experience.

After we had dried off, I went to my room to blow dry my hair so that I could brush it out. Adam headed out to his car to grab a clean shirt. After I was finished with my hair, I put on another dress. I had decided that I liked wearing them again after almost thirteen years of refusing to wear a dress.

We stopped at Adam's uncle's house on the way back to town but there was no one home. The door was locked so we took all of his stuff into town with us. Dinner was nice. The food at the diner is really good and it felt so good to be with Adam again. We thought about going to a movie. But there really wasn't anything playing that either of us wanted to see, so we headed back to my house.

Adam's uncle still wasn't home by then, so I asked Mom if he could stay the night when I took her dinner up to her. She gave me a nod and didn't bother to tell me that he couldn't sleep in my bed. I thanked her and went back downstairs.

We turned on some music, not loud enough to disturb Mom but loud enough that she wouldn't be able to hear us having sex again. Adam tried that thing on me that he'd read about and he did knock my socks off.

Mom was still up by the time we fell asleep. I never heard her come down the stairs, but I had gotten used to her sleeping strange hours and it no longer bothered me. I was thrilled to wake up in Adam's arms the next morning and couldn't wait until we could get married.

I wasn't sure if I was ready to go yet though. I still got headaches and was afraid that my brain was off killing people without bothering to tell me about it anymore. I meditated a lot, and I sometimes wrote in such a frenzy that I was starting to remind myself of Mom when she was totally lost in her art, but it still bugged me to think that I wasn't in control of my own mind.

I could hear Mom up in the attic. She'd turned on some soft music. We heard it as we went down the stairs to the kitchen. I cooked breakfast and made a pot of half caf coffee. Mom doesn't usually want the full dose of caffeine in the morning even if she's been up all night. I took everything up to Mom. She thanked me and said that she'd be going to bed as soon as she finished the part she was working on in her painting.

Adam and I went back to his uncle's house. There still wasn't anyone there, but there was a note on the door that told Adam the things that needed to be done around the house and that there was money in a coffee can in the kitchen for groceries. Adam's uncle was visiting a woman friend of his and didn't expect to be home for another few days. A neighbor had left the note on the door at his direction. We drove there to pick up the key that Owen had left for him.

I helped Adam move all of his stuff in and tried to talk him into going into town to pick up at least a few groceries but he said there was plenty of food in the house. We made love in his bed. Then he dropped me off at home so he could start on the chores that needed taking care of around his Uncle's house. I offered to help him, but he told me no.

I worked on a last edit of my book and then found the page that I'd bookmarked that had agents and publishers looking for new writers. I wasn't sure if it was good enough for publishing, but I figured it was worth a try. Mom said it was great. I don't know how she managed to read it since she was so busy with her painting, but I know that she did. You can't really count on your mother to be an impartial critic though.

Dad made it up two weeks later. He made my brothers come with him which neither of them were thrilled with, but Christian and Natalie hadn't been able to stay more than a few days and neither Stone nor Trey was able to make it. Thora's pregnancy was going better, but they still didn't want her to travel.

It was a busy two weeks. Dad took the boys to see everything possible in the area to keep them distracted. Adam and I got talked into going along a lot of times too. I think Dad knew that we'd been having a lot of sex and was a little pissed that Mom was letting him share my bed most nights. His uncle didn't care though as long as everything was done around the house. Mom was too busy working. I think Dad also kept the boys out of the house so that they wouldn't bug Mom. It's not that she wasn't happy to see them of course. We took three days out of the two weeks and spent them together, but you could tell Mom was itching to get back to work.

I was really sad when Dad and the boys left. The goodbye felt different. It was like I wasn't telling them that I'd see them later anymore. It was like I was telling them that I'd see them again when I could and that might be years down the road. I think Dad felt it too, because he didn't want to let go of me. Even Billy and Bobby hugged me extra tight.

Chapter 12

Towards the end of summer, two things happened. I got a letter from a publisher that said they thought that I showed exceptional talent for an unpublished author and that they wanted to publish my novel. They also said that I would be getting an advance check soon. It was a big amount for me. Definitely not the biggest ever, but big for an eighteen year old girl.

A few days later, I realized that I'd missed my period. I freaked out and called Adam right away. He was done with his work for the day at his uncle's house so he said he'd come get me and that we'd go buy a pregnancy test. My period was over a week late. I hadn't even realized since I'd been so busy working with Adam to try to control my mind. It worked even better with Adam than it did with Mom. I didn't tell her because I didn't want to make her feel bad. I didn't want her to think that my connection with Adam was stronger. It was just different.

We went into town and bought the test, then went back to Adam's house. Owen wasn't home and I had a feeling that Mom would know right away if I took it at my house. Moms just have a weird sixth sense sometimes you know? Well, the test was positive. I cried. Adam thought I was sad to be pregnant with his baby. I smacked him in the head with his pillow and called him a big dork.

I was scared because I had no idea if I'd pass my weird mind tricks onto our child boy or girl. Two days later I got my first bout of morning sickness and I made the very hard decision to leave my mother.

Adam begged me to stay at first. He got it into his head that I was leaving him. I laughed at him and called him a big goofball. I think that's when he finally figured out that I wanted him to go with me.

I got my advance check a few days later and we really started making plans to leave. Adam's Uncle Owen was okay with his leaving. His girlfriend had a nephew that needed both a place to stay and something to keep him out of trouble. So it worked out for him when his girlfriend and her nephew both moved in.

Adam and I knew that we needed to stay apart the night before we left. I had a feeling that Mom had heard me getting sick in the bathroom and probably suspected that I was pregnant so I knew we couldn't put it off any longer.

The morning we left, Adam knocked on my window at four o'clock in the morning. We knew that we should be safe because not only does my mom not get up as early as my dad does; she had been up late the night before painting. I think she misses Dad, Billy and Bobby so much that she can hardly stand it. I hope that she packs this place up as soon as she finds out I'm gone and goes home where she belongs. Well, maybe not quite that quickly but you know what I mean. I think she'll probably cry when she reads my letter. I cried a lot when I wrote it. I smeared the ink so much the first and second time that I had to write it a third time.

Here's what it says: 'Mom, I have left with Adam. I'm asking you and Dad to please not look for me. I'll visit you when I can or at least call or write. Please don't think that I could ever hate you for this strange gift that you gave to me. I have to think of it as a gift because I think I'll go crazy if I don't. I have to believe that all things happen for a reason. Please tell Dad that I don't blame him for being a little scared of me. Sometimes I'm scared of me too. Please tell him and the boys that I will always, always love them. I will always love you too. Know that the reason I didn't say goodbye in person is because I knew that you would try to talk me out of it, like all good mothers do. You are a good mother. I can't imagine you ever being the kind of mother that would have deserved to have her kids taken away. As you may have guessed, I'm pregnant. I believe that Adam and I will have a daughter. I don't know whether I will pass any part of what you've given me on to her, but I hope to gain a better understanding of it before the baby is born and truly pray that there will never be a repeat of the kind of events that took place in the last few months. So please Mom don't think of this as a goodbye but think of it as an I'll see you later. Please go home to Dad and the boys. They need you. It's not that I don't need you anymore Mom. It's just that I have turned a page in the book of my life and I need to follow my own path for now. Adam and I will take care of each other and the baby so please don't worry about us. I sold my book under the pen name Blaze Glory. Yeah, it's kind of corny I know, but I'll send you a copy when it comes out. You are the best mother I could have asked for and I have the best family anyone ever could have asked for. I love you all. 'Til we meet again, Ariel'

I opened the window and handed Adam my bag. He looked nervous even though I had gotten a nice advance for my book and we were on our way to stay with my half-brother Dylan. He and his wife have a guest house. They promised to let us stay there as long as we needed to and not to tell Mom. I knew that I would probably crack and call my parents within a few weeks, but I needed to know that Mom went home where she belonged.

I know how much she missed Dad and the boys. I really can't imagine how they've been coping without her for this long. Okay, so it's not like my dad is totally helpless, they take care of each other; but he really isn't the greatest at household chores and my brothers tend to be a little lazy.

Adam helped me climb out the window. Then we shut the window and walked away, holding hands. My heart was beating fast. I was more nervous than I wanted to admit too. We were getting married on the way to my brother's house and then spending one night in a motel as a sort of honeymoon. I was excited to think of starting my life as Adam's wife, but sometimes I wondered if Adam wasn't a little scared of me too. He seemed to take everything I had done so much in stride that sometimes I worried that Adam was afraid that I'd hurt him if he ever left me. I didn't think that I could ever really hurt anyone that I loved, but I guess maybe I'll never know for sure. If I did, I don't think I could live with myself. I like to think that my gift can be something beautiful instead of just taking the lives of people who have interfered with my family and sometimes random strangers, but I won't really know for sure until I learn more about how it works and how I can control it. I certainly hope I have figured that out by the time our daughter is born. She will need help if I have passed this on to her.

We reached Adam's car. He put my bag in the trunk. I got in the passenger side and he got in the drivers' side. He leaned over and kissed me. "I love you Rie. I'll always love you."

I smiled. "You promise?"

He looked into my eyes. There was nothing but sincerity in his gaze. "I promise. Even if you are a little craaazy."

I laughed. "I love you too, Adam. Always and forever. Let's hope that we've already walked far enough through hell that we can start to make our way back out huh?"

"It's gonna be okay babe. No matter what the world throws at us, we'll get through it because we're together."

"Thank you."

Adam smiled and then started the car.

I don't know what the future holds for us, as you probably don't know exactly what the future holds for you. While nothing quite like what I've experienced may happen in your life, here are the lessons that I'd like to think that I can pass on to you. No matter how weird your life gets, there is always someone that loves you and is going to stick by you. It might not be the person that you expect it to be, but there's always someone there. I'm glad that Adam is mine.

Don't judge a person by their past, because they don't live there anymore. They are not the person they used to be. Don't think that you understand what they went through unless you've walked in their shoes or at least have heard their side of the story and truly understand what caused the events that make you want to judge them so harshly.

Always love the people around you the best you can. There may come a time when you have to say goodbye. When you look in the mirror, don't see "just" you because you are not "just" you. You are beautiful because everyone is. Your past is your past too. Tomorrow is another day, so don't just not judge other people too harshly because of their pasts, don't judge yourself too harshly because of yours either.

My name is Ariel Fletcher, soon to be Ariel Garrison, and I am now eighteen years old. I have killed people, not with my hands but with my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever truly forgive myself for that, or if our creator, whoever he or she may be, will find it in their hearts to forgive me. I would take back what I have done if I could, but I think that now, when my mom goes home to Dad, Billy and Bobby, she can finally be truly at peace.

Yes, it is a selfish thought. I don't want to believe that what I did in any way came from my mother. My actions were my own and yes, they were selfish, but they are done and I cannot take them back. You may judge me for what I have done whoever you are, and you may think that neither I nor my mother deserves to be happy again. But it is not always for us to decide what events befall us, whether they are miracles, or the kind of tragedies that have befallen my family and the families of those that I have caused pain to.

I love my family. I love my fiancé and cannot wait until I can call him my husband. I love my unborn daughter. I know that you have someone that you love too, probably many someones. So, today I wish for not only me and mine a beautiful day and a beautiful life full of hope and dreams come true but for you and yours too, and all of the world, because life is beautiful even when it throws a few crazy curveballs at you now and again.
Special Bonus short story by Misty Reigenborn Into the Light.

Into the Light

Misty Reigenborn

Copyright 2013

By Misty Reigenborn

Smashwords Edition

She awoke to darkness and a feeling of uneasiness. Charlotte blinked in the dark and sat up, realizing she had no idea where she was.

She cleared her throat, memories suddenly flooding her mind of a car accident and pain like she'd never felt before. She gently stretched her limbs, but felt no pain.

She wondered if she was in the hospital, but the silence was too complete and the darkness that surrounded her would have been out of place in a medical facility.

"Hello," she said. Her throat was dry and she longed for a drink of water.

She waited for her eyes to adjust to the darkness and took in the room. It was large but held only a bed, a night stand and a chair at the foot of the bed, which somehow seemed to absorb the darkness.

Charlotte closed her eyes briefly, fighting the panic that was starting to rise. She took a deep breath and let it out, opening her eyes slowly and finally noticing the pitcher of water and glass sitting on the night stand.

She poured a glass and drank greedily, the dryness of her throat slowly easing.

"So you've finally taken in upon yourself to awaken from your slumber. I was beginning to think you were a lost case."

Charlotte almost dropped the glass. The voice came from the direction of the chair, where the darkness seemed deeper than the rest of the room.

Thoughts flashed through her mind in an excited jumble, none making much sense. She was in an insane asylum, she had been kidnapped, she was imagining things, had to be dreaming. Then another kind of realization dawned on her. If she was alone in this strange place besides the voice that belonged to a face she couldn't see, where was Jordan-her four year old daughter?

"Where am I and where is my daughter?"

Charlotte heard the flick of a lighter. The glow of a cigarette showed from the direction of the chair, but the smoker was still in shadow.

"You're asking the wrong questions Charlotte."

"What do you mean I'm asking the wrong questions? Where is my daughter? She's only four."

Tears flooded her eyes and panic threatened to overtake her. Hadn't she been through enough already was her thought.

"You know where Jordan is Charlotte. Calm down and think back to your last clear memories. Would you like a cigarette?"

A pale hand reached out in the darkness, holding a familiar gold and white cigarette pack and a lighter. The brand she had smoked before she'd quit after learning she was pregnant with Jordan.

"I quit."

"Five years ago. I know. One won't hurt. Might clear your mind a little."

Charlotte sighed. "I don't want a cigarette. I want my daughter. Who's watching over her? She doesn't like strangers. She's not with her father is she? He can't see her. He doesn't have any custody rights."

"Jordan is fine Charlotte. I promise you she will be fine without you until you're ready to leave."

"What? Where am I? Don't they bother to pay the electricity bill here?"

A gentle laugh and the cigarettes and lighter were tossed onto the bed. "Have a cigarette and we'll talk."

"I don't want a damned cigarette."

"As you wish. Let's talk Charlotte. How do you feel?"

"Fine. Irritated that I'm being kept away from my child and held somewhere in the dark and forced to take up my prior bad habits, but other than that-fine."

"What's the last thing you remember before you woke up?"

Charlotte absentmindedly reached for the cigarette pack. She was uneasy again. Everything felt off and it was for more than the obvious reasons. The voice in the darkness was familiar somehow.

"Who are you?"

"In time Charlotte. Close your eyes and tell me your last memory."

"Am I in the loony bin? Did Kayden somehow manage to get me committed?"

"Charlotte, everything will be clear in time. Please just slow down and tell me your last memory before you woke up."

"Am I locked in here with you? Why can't I see you? Who the hell are you?"

"You will know when you are ready."

"No, that's not how this is going to work. Tell me where I am and where my daughter is or I'll scream."

"No one would hear you."

"I've been kidnapped by some crazy serial killer who smokes the same brand of cigarettes I used to and somehow knows when I quit smoking. Wonderful. Like my life hasn't been hard enough."

"I know it hasn't been easy Charlotte, but you need to calm down. You're making this harder on yourself."

Charlotte lit a cigarette just for something to do and coughed out the first drag.

"Why don't you just kill me and get it over with?"

"Charlotte, your last memory. It's important."

"Why? I want my daughter dammit."

"You won't get to her by refusing to remember Charlotte."

"You don't make any sense. Besides, my last memory is probably of you kidnapping me. Kayden planned this didn't he? He probably caused the car accident, kidnapped Jordy and paid you to kill me."

"What do you remember about the accident?"

"Nothing." She shook her head and an ashtray appeared out of the darkness.

"Think harder Charlotte. Let yourself remember."

"I. . ." She put the cigarette out in the ashtray. Memories flooded her mind again, but they were jumbled. The loud sound of a crash, then pain, then nothingness. "I don't remember."

"You do Charlotte. I know it's not easy but you need to remember."

"Why wouldn't it be easy? I was. . ." Charlotte bit her lip. "I had to have been taking Jordy to school. Yeah. At least that's what I think I was doing when we crashed. Is Jordan okay? She wasn't hurt in the crash was she? Why can't I remember?"

"You can. You don't want to. You don't think you can handle the memories, but you are much stronger than you realize."

"Of course I'm strong. I made it through an abusive marriage, a run in with child protective services, two months at a homeless shelter and all kinds of other bullshit in my twenty-seven years."

"Think harder Charlotte. Open your mind."

"What is this? Sensory deprivation or something? Why is it so damned dark in here?"

"Your eyes aren't ready to see what's in front of you."

"Bullshit. If you know so much, why don't you just tell me what happened and why I'm here?"

"That's not how it works Charlotte. Besides, I can't tell you what you already know."

Charlotte snorted. "Now that makes sense. Can I talk to your supervisor?"

The voice laughed, though it held little humor. "Supervisor of what?"

Charlotte sighed. "So you are keeping me here against my will."

"No. You are the only thing that's keeping you here."

"Bullshit."

Charlotte got to her feet and crossed the room slowly and carefully to the door. She turned the knob but it wouldn't open.

"It's locked." Charlotte turned back towards the chair and the naggingly familiar voice. "I've had enough of this. Take me to my daughter."

"Only you can bring yourself back to Jordan. If you were ready, the door would open."

Charlotte let out a sigh full of frustration and crossed to the bed again. "You're talking in circles. I'm in a mental hospital aren't I? What happened after the accident?"

"It's as easy as letting yourself remember Charlotte, or as hard as you choose to make it."

Charlotte lit a cigarette and tossed the pack back to the mystery woman in the chair, not caring if she hit the woman. She wanted to hit the woman. Anger that had been contained for what seemed like forever threatened to boil over.

The pale hand shot out of the darkness and the cigarettes disappeared back into it.

"Charlotte what do you think happened after the accident?"

"I don't know. I was driving Jordy to school. Then there was a crash and a lot of pain. That's all I remember until I woke up here in the dark with a mysterious stranger for company who talks in riddles and won't give me a straight answer."

"You already have all the answers you need."

"I obviously don't or I wouldn't be asking you for them."

"Do you remember how your grandmother helped you to remember things Charlotte?"

Her nana Julie had been her favorite person when she was young and had helped her learn to count and read and many other things. She had passed the same tips and tricks on to Jordy.

"Yes."

"Then remember Charlotte."

Charlotte closed her eyes and tried to let the frustration flow out of her as she let her breath out. As the panic at her current situation tried to break in, she pushed it aside and forced herself to think only of her daughter.

Brown ringlets to her shoulders, eyes that changed from golden brown to green, to a pale blue. Her mother's small delicate frame and her father's stubbornness and fiery temper. Jordan was what had pulled Charlotte through the darkest times of her life. An ache rose to see her daughter so great that she couldn't breathe for a moment.

As the panic slowly faded again, Charlotte remembered. Making breakfast, fighting with Jordy to get her to finish her milk. The drizzle as they headed to the car. Heading back inside to get Jordy's rain slicker. The rain coming down harder as they neared the preschool. A car coming out of nowhere and the crash. Then nothingness again.

"We crashed. A car came out of nowhere and I couldn't stop. There was another car right behind me and they slammed into the back of the car. I remember the sound of the crash, the pain and then nothing. Is Jordan okay?"

"Think Charlotte. You know what happened to Jordan."

"No, I don't."

The flick of the lighter came again and a cigarette flared in the darkness. "You're making this quite difficult Charlotte." The woman sighed. "Maybe it would be easier if we started with something else. Tell me about Jordan."

"I am in a mental hospital aren't I?"

"No. Tell me about your daughter please. Start with how you met Kayden."

"I'm not going to waste time with your in the dark therapy. Let me out of here."

"You tried the door yourself. I can't let you out. Only you can."

"Someday I'll probably look back on this and laugh. I'll tell you what, you let me speak to my daughter and I'll tell you whatever you want."

"Jordan can't speak with you right now."

"Fine. We'll sit here in the dark and smoke cigarettes and not talk then. Sound good to you?"

"As you wish Charlotte."

Charlotte wanted to scream in frustration. She wanted to bang her head against the wall or push the woman out of the chair and use it to break the door down, or at least to try to break the door down. Instead, she sat back on the bed, put her head in her hands, and cried.

She cried for so long that when she was finally finished she felt completely drained. She ignored the woman who hadn't made a sound since her crying had started, rolled over on the bed, pulled the covers around her and went to sleep.

When she awoke, Charlotte realized that she had no idea what time it was or what day it was. The darkness was disorienting and Charlotte wondered just how long she had been locked in the room. Tears sprung to her eyes and she fought them back.

She sat still and listened, hoping she had been left alone, that she could find some way to free herself and get back to her daughter where she belonged. But the tip of a cigarette showed in the darkness. Charlotte hid a sigh.

"What's your name?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Are you ready to talk now Charlotte? We have all the time in the world, but the sooner you open the door, the sooner you can get back to Jordan."

Charlotte crossed the room and tried the door once again. It wouldn't budge. She pounded her fists on the door.

"Open the door. Somebody help me. Jordan, Jordan, Mommy's here and is doing everything she can to get to you."

Charlotte pounded on the door until her arms tired and then screamed some more.

The woman said nothing. When Charlotte was convinced no one was going to help her, she crossed back to the bed, glaring in the direction of the chair.

The cigarettes, lighter and ashtray appeared again on the bed. Charlotte smiled slowly. She lit a cigarette and then threw the ashtray as hard as she could towards where she figured the woman's head should be.

But the pale hand shot out of the darkness, caught the ashtray and placed it back on the bed.

"Charlotte, I'm not your enemy. I'm not here to hurt you. I can help you if you'll let me."

"Sure. We can talk and talk and then when you've finally tired of the sound of my voice you'll let me out. No. I don't care if you have no friends, or couldn't afford to go to school and get that degree in therapy you always wanted so you decided to kidnap me from the scene of my car accident and have someone to practice on. I have a child. A small child who doesn't have anyone else."

"Charlotte how did you meet Kayden?"

Charlotte sighed. "My ex-husband is the last thing I want to discuss right now."

"Since you still seem to be having a hard time comprehending your current situation, let's say that you are in a place you will not be leaving until you face what you need to face."

"Nice and vague. I do believe that I've faced my share of demons already. Most of them just happened to come in human form. The dream crushing Kayden Jones and the soul stealing Mrs. Katricia Bradford topping the list. Excuse me-that would be Ms. Katricia Bradford because God forbid a child stealing social worker actually be married and have children of her own."

"Jordan was in the state's custody for only a short time. Is that not correct Charlotte?"

"Two nights. The worst two nights of my life. Wait. Who the hell are you? Tell me right now or I won't say another word until you do."

Silence. Charlotte's emotions were threatening to overpower her again and the darkness wasn't helping.

"You seem to know all about me. Why is it so damned hard to just tell me your name?"

"You can call me Farrah if you wish. How did you meet the father of your child?"

The name Farrah nagged at Charlotte's mind for a moment. She had known a girl named Farrah once, but she somehow couldn't reconcile the name with the voice, though she hadn't seen the girl who would now be grown woman in years.

"I'm sure you know all about how I met Kayden since you seem to know everything else. Do I really have to go through this? I need to see my daughter or at least know she's safe."

"Jordan is safe Charlotte. Quite content in her present company actually."

"So you've seen her? Please, please just let me see my baby. Even for only a minute."

"You're not ready for that."

Charlotte let out the sigh that had been building up for several minutes. "Listen Farrah, I have no idea who the hell you are, so I don't know if you have children, but you are always ready to see your children. On your worst day one smile or hearing that little voice call you Mom will make it all go away, make the world right again. Now show me that my daughter is okay."

The woman lit a cigarette. The room was silent and still for a moment, then an image appeared in the haze of cigarette smoke.

In front of Charlotte's astonished eyes, Jordan appeared. Her little girl was beaming, looking up at someone Charlotte couldn't see. Tears filled her eyes as the image disappeared almost as suddenly as it had appeared.

"Wait. No. Please, I can't stand this. I've fought so hard to give Jordan a good life. Please just let me go and give me my daughter back."

The woman's voice was gentle. "If I could let you go Charlotte, I would. Please believe me."

Charlotte angrily wiped her eyes and lit a cigarette. The realization came to her that the cigarette had no odor, and also that her thirst had disappeared. She wasn't hungry and had no need to use the bathroom either.

"Where the hell am I? How did you do that? Show me Jordan in a cloud of cigarette smoke? None of this can be real. I have to be dreaming."

"This is no dream Charlotte. What you see now is just your mind's way of coping. We could as easily be in your home or anywhere in the world really."

"If I play along with your insane games will you take me to my daughter?"

Charlotte set aside her other questions and doubts for the moments. Jordan was her priority and had been since she'd learned she was carrying the child.

"If you choose to view this as an insane game Charlotte, then your answer in a form is yes."

"That's not really an answer but it's the closest you've given me to one so far. Why do you want to know about Kayden? I might as well have had a child with some random sperm donor. I would have been better off."

"As hard as it can be to comprehend, things do happen for a reason."

Charlotte snorted. "God doesn't make mistakes and we're too human to understand his will as fucked up as it seems sometimes. It's all bullshit. Contradictory. Freedom of choice, but watch out for the devil because he's looking over your shoulder, helping you to make the wrong choices. If I believed in the devil, I would believe he led me to Kayden. But I don't. I believe your average person is good deep down, but can be led astray by their own humanness. We don't need the devil. We've already figured out greed and selfishness and not giving a shit ourselves."

"So you believe that there is no God either? No heaven, no hell?"

"What does it matter? No one really knows the truth. Life could be a game, or a dream, or we could all be a thought in someone's head. We're so willing to believe in the devil as the cause of all the bullshit, but we can't find God anymore because we don't see the beauty in all the bullshit."

"It sounds as if you believe the world needs God but doesn't know where to look sometimes."

"Whatever. Religion isn't something I want to discuss at the moment. Let's talk so I can get the hell out of here and back to Jordan where I belong."

"So tell me how you met Kayden."

"It wasn't an earth shattering moment. I met him at a party, something my friends dragged me to when I would much rather have stayed home. They were all convinced I desperately needed a man in my life."

"But you didn't feel that way?"

"At that time I was more interested in my fantasies of having a boyfriend than I was in actually having a boyfriend. I was still disillusioned then though."

"How is that?"

"Come on Farrah. We all know that the thought of marriage scares the shit out of people these days more than it excites them. The divorce rate is terrible and the family court system further destroys the illusions of a forever happy family. I had romantic notions of being swept off my feet by my soul mate then but it didn't happen like that. I thought it did at first, but I was young and stupid."

"But things were good with Kayden at first?"

"Sure. He was a few years older than me, but it was okay. He was good looking and charming, seemed like good boyfriend material."

"When did your opinions change?"

"A lot of different times. I knew it all along really-everyone did-but I was stubborn until it was almost too late. I could have lost custody of Jordan permanently because of that son-of-a-bitch. And I mean that literally because my ex mother-in-law was a total bitch."

"You were married after being together a relatively short time were you not?"

"Four months. I was pregnant and it seemed like the right thing to do."

"Did you love him?"

Charlotte laughed. "Of course I loved him, but it was a different kind of love. I was always so drawn to him. Even after all the bullshit, it was hard to walk away."

"Different kind of love than what Charlotte?"

"Than real love I guess. What difference does it make now?"

"Have you experienced real love?"

"Of course. Jordan is my whole world."

"The love for a child is different. I'm talking about the love between a man and a woman."

"I'm guessing you know about him too. I don't want to talk about him."

"Who is he Charlotte? I would like to go back to your marriage in a bit, but first tell me about this man."

"No. It hurts too much."

Tears stung her eyes again as the carefully buried memories sprung up. His face flashed through her mind and she closed her eyes tightly, banishing the green of his eyes.

The lighter flicked again and a cigarette flared in the darkness, the tip briefly brightening the room enough to show Charlotte a pair of silvery blue eyes. Strangely familiar eyes.

She racked her brain, trying to remember if Farrah had had blue eyes. But clear memories of the girl she had known when she was twelve alluded her.

"I don't want to talk about Scott. He's gone."

"Why is he gone Charlotte? What happened to Scott?"

"We are not discussing this." Charlotte took a deep breath and then let it out. "You wanted to know about my marriage. So I was pregnant, we were married by a justice of the peace that obviously detested her job. Kayden and his friends spent our wedding night getting drunk and it was somehow my fault that we didn't have sex."

"You sound angry."

Charlotte let out a harsh laugh. "Thoughts of Kayden don't exactly make me feel warm and fuzzy inside."

"But they once did."

"I guess. But then he cheated on me and he abused me. I was lost for so long, even with Jordan."

"How were you lost?"

"I forgot myself when I was with Kayden or stopped trying to figure out who I was or wanted to be. I was a wife and mother and that was it. It would have been okay if Kayden would have been a better husband, if we had been enough for him."

"Have you forgiven Kayden? Have you forgive yourself for who you were or weren't when you were with him?"

"I'm not sure he deserves my forgiveness. And as for forgiving myself, why would I need to do that?"

"You seem to have problems with not only Kayden during your marriage, but yourself as well. It takes two to make a marriage work and two to make it fail."

"No. It only takes one person's lying and cheating to ruin a marriage."

"Even if that is true, you have to make peace with your own actions during your marriage."

"Peace with what? His actions caused me to hate him, to treat him the way I did before we split up."

"Do you hate the father of your child?"

Charlotte sighed and reached for a cigarette. "I don't exactly hate him anymore. But he ruined our lives, or could have."

"Were your lives ruined after the divorce?"

"Before. Well, not exactly. It could have been worse I suppose, though moving from a house to a shelter and dealing with child protective services and family court wasn't exactly a picnic."

"But you made it through and Jordan never realized the situation you were in."

Charlotte let a half smile touch her face, no longer having the energy to care how the woman knew so much about her life.

"It was okay as long as she knew she was safe and loved and she always knew that. We moved around and had to start over too many times, but all that matters to her was that we were together."

"Jordan is blessed to have you as a mother."

"Thanks."

"You're quite welcome. Do you feel as if you have made peace with yourself Charlotte?"

"I don't know. I never really thought of myself as a bad person, as someone who would need to do that."

"Everyone has done things or experienced things in their lives that they need to make peace with before moving on."

"I have moved on. Kayden has no custody rights to Jordan and he pays child support when he's in the mood."

"There are different ways to move on."

"Uh huh. I realize that I wasn't a perfect wife, but the majority of the problems in my marriage stemmed from Kayden not keeping his dick in his pants, being irresponsible and smacking me around."

"But the freedom of choice that you mentioned earlier Charlotte, did you not have that very choice many times over the years? To no longer accept Kayden's actions as okay?"

"They weren't okay. That's not the point. It's not as simple as it seems to the people sitting on their high horses, looking down their noses when they probably have worse skeletons in their own closets."

"What skeletons are in your closet Charlotte?"

"Do you want me to cry? The poor battered woman who is so ashamed of what she put up with for two years that she might as well give up? I had a child to take care of and I couldn't lay down and cry. I had to move on, and I did."

"Do you consider yourself as having dealt your emotions successfully?"

Charlotte snorted. "I can still look at myself in the mirror. Besides, it's not me who was the bad guy. It was Kayden."

"So you did no wrong then?"

"Give me a break. Of course I did. I stayed when he cheated. I stayed when he moved us around on a whim and when he hit me. I stayed until I couldn't take it anymore. And then it was almost too late. CPS had already been called on us when I left him. They took custody of Jordy because I was a victim of domestic violence and she was exposed. Failure to protect. It's a damned good thing I worked my ass off in the two days until I went to court and made sure I had everything in place to get my daughter back. Counseling, parenting classes, meetings for victims of domestic violence, housing lined up. I switched day cares, filed for divorce and a restraining order. When they released Jordy, I splurged and we had fast food for dinner and rented a motel room for the night instead of going directly back to the shelter. It was like waking up from a bad dream. For a while at least."

"So you made the most of a bad situation."

"I did what any parent would. I couldn't let Jordy see me cry, even though most nights it took all I had not to cry myself to sleep."

"You are strong Charlotte."

"Uh huh. I tell myself that, then I think that a truly strong woman would have walked away the first time he hit me or when he moved us from one shithole to another while he was doing drugs, spending half his paycheck at the bar and screwing around the whole time."

"That must have been hard on you."

"Yeah. But it was harder on Jordy. She was so young, but we fought so much and I felt like sometimes that I held on to her too tightly. When she gets older I don't know how I'm going to deal with really letting go."

"Every parent has to let go. Sometimes it's a small thing like a first time with a babysitter or the first day of school. You never truly let go though."

"Do you have kids Farrah?"

"I have a daughter, but she passed away."

"I'm sorry to hear that. It must be terrible."

"It is. Charlotte. I'm sorry to bring this up again, but do you feel as if you've forgiven yourself for staying with Kayden?"

Charlotte sighed. "The support group I went to was halfway useful and half bullshit. It's hard enough being a woman that's been in an abusive relationship and admitting that you stuck around. I can't imagine how hard it must be as the person who committed the abuse, having to explain that to someone else."

"Do you sympathize with Kayden?"

"Ha. It always felt like he blamed me for the abuse and the cheating. We fought so much, but most of the time it was about everything besides what was really wrong."

"Relationships are hard."

"Yeah. But with a guy like Kayden there's always an excuse to act the way he does."

"Do you have contact with Kayden?"

"No. There's no point since he can't see Jordy. There's no restraining order anymore, but he still can't see her."

"I see. Were you angrier with Kayden for his actions during your marriage or with yourself for staying with him?"

"With him. Well maybe with myself sometimes. Had I lost Jordy, I wouldn't have been able to cope. You have to have been in that kind of situation to understand."

"What made you leave Kayden?"

"The nail in the coffin was when I came home that day and found him in bed with another woman. He wasn't apologetic. He was drunk and tried to hit me. I was glad Jordy slept through most of it. I grabbed our stuff and the money I'd saved and we went to the shelter. The social worker showed up a few days later."

"That must have been hard."

"Yes. The hardest time of my life. I was already dealing with so much, trying to keep it together for Jordy, and then she was taken away. I wanted to die, but I knew I had to be even stronger than ever before."

"Did you have support?"

"Not exactly. My family hates Kayden so much that they almost disowned me when I married him. I have friends, mostly old friends from school, but they live far away and couldn't really help."

"After your case was closed and you moved out of the shelter, did life get better for you and Jordan?"

"Mostly. Life was a lot more peaceful at home without Kayden, but Jordy missed her dad. The divorce was hard on all of us."

"You had to appear in family court then?"

"A bunch of times, even after CPS closed the case. It didn't seem like a complicated divorce because of the circumstances, but I guess divorce is never easy."

"I suppose not. When did you meet Scott?"

"I'm not talking about him."

"Charlotte, dealing with your pain is part of the healing process."

"Funny. If your daughter died I'm sure you've heard all the bullshit in the world about dealing with death."

"Have you dealt with Scott's death?"

"Of course I did. It's not like I had known him all my life. We were only together six months."

"How did Jordan feel about Scott?"

"She adored him."

"Were you in love with Scott?"

"I really don't want to discuss this. It has nothing to do with my marriage or my daughter. I didn't meet him until after my divorce was final."

"Where did you meet?"

"Uh uh. You aren't going to make me talk about this."

"Was losing Scott more painful than your divorce?"

"Stop. I said no more."

"The sooner we get through this, the sooner you can get back to Jordan."

"Sure. Don't know why I should trust you. I haven't seen your face and you know way too much personal stuff about my life."

"You will see my face when you're ready to accept it."

"Blah. Are you monstrous or something? I don't really care. Surface looks don't mean anything. You keeping me here against my will is way worse than whatever you look like."

"That may not be true at the moment Charlotte. Did you talk to anyone after Scott died?"

"No. Like I told you, I dealt with it like I dealt with everything else."

"So Scott meant little to you?"

"No. I never said that. How can you be more monstrous than keeping me here? Can't you turn a light on? This darkness is driving me crazy."

"In time Charlotte. How did you meet Scott?"

"I met him at work. I had taken a job in a coffee shop. He started coming in a few days after my divorce was final."

"Were you attracted to him?"

"It's hard to explain."

"Try Charlotte."

"Ugh. He came into the store when it was dead. I looked up and thought he was cute. No big deal. He smiled at me though, and I know this sounds dumb, but it was like my eyes suddenly saw him differently. I felt like cupid shot me in the ass with a love arrow. Damn that sounds ridiculous."

"So it was love at first sight?"

"I don't believe in that crap. It's all hormonal."

"Is that right?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. I felt things for Scott way too quickly. I should have known it was too good to be true."

The green of his eyes flashed through her mind again. She banished them like usual and reached for a cigarette.

"Are we done with this now?"

"Not quite. How did your relationship with Scott progress?"

"Like any relationship I guess. It was hard sometimes because of work and Jordy, but things were going great until the accident."

"Were you and Scott planning a life together?"

"How is this relevant? He's dead and it doesn't matter anymore."

"Was there anything else that happened around the time that Scott passed away?"

"No."

"You're lying Charlotte."

"Tell me the truth then."

"What about the baby Charlotte?"

"Who the hell are you?"

"This isn't about me. It's about getting you back to your daughter."

"Why do I have to go through this?"

Tears stung her eyes and Scott's gentle face came to mind. She closed her eyes and let herself feel it for a moment. She had loved Scott madly. The world had stood still when she was in his arms. When they made love, it had felt like a little piece of heaven on earth.

Losing him and then losing the baby she hadn't had a chance to tell him about had almost broken her. Jordan was the only thing that had kept her sane.

"Scott meant a great deal to you didn't he?"

"Yes dammit. I loved him so much I could hardly stand it sometimes. I used to think that God had given me him to make up for all the other bullshit. Then he was gone. It wasn't fair."

"Did you plan on marrying Scott?"

"We talked about it. Talked about getting a place together. My bed felt so empty without him. It still does."

"Did Scott know about the baby?"

"No. I didn't get a chance to tell him because I barely knew myself before he died. It felt like I had been given a chance at real happiness and it was taken away. Without Jordy, I might have taken my own life."

"How would you cope if you lost Jordan?"

"I don't want to think about it. Can we be done with this now? Please."

"For now. What happened after your accident?"

"I don't know. Please just take me to Jordan. I am done with this bullshit."

"Were you injured in the accident?"

"Yes. No. I thought so, but I feel fine."

"What happened to Jordan Charlotte?"

"I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"

"Remember. It's as easy or as hard as you make it."

"But I can't. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"I'm going to stress this once again. You are the only thing that is keeping you away from Jordan. Remember the accident, take as much time as you need to deal with what happened and then you can see Jordan again."

"What do you mean deal with what happened?"

"You know Charlotte."

"I don't. Please just tell me so we can be done with this ridiculous game you're playing."

"I can't tell you. You have to let yourself remember. I'll give you as much time as you need."

"No. Screw this. Let me the hell out of here."

The room suddenly brightened. A halo of light appeared in front of the chair. The image that was suddenly spotlighted stopped Charlotte in her tracks.

The woman in the chair was a mirror image of Charlotte. The voice, the silvery blue eyes that seemed so familiar, were her own.

"What the hell is going on here? Who are you?"

The light slowly faded and the room returned to darkness.

"Believe your eyes Charlotte. You tell me what you see, what you hear."

"You look like me. You sound like me. I am crazy aren't I?"

"No. You are simply having a hard time coping with what happened to you."

"It was only a car accident. Accidents happen every day and not everyone develops a split personality or whatever the hell it is that you are."

"I'm not in your imagination, not exactly. I am exactly what you see."

"That makes sense. Wait, no it doesn't. Duh. I can't be me and be talking to myself, well hallucinating and actually seeing talk to myself. Damn, I did finally lose it. Just give me whatever medication you need to straighten my head out and let me out of here. Jordan needs me."

"Medication won't cure you Charlotte. You have to accept what happened."

"Are you me?"

Charlotte's head was filled with a jumble of confused thoughts even more than before. None of what was happening seemed possible. One thought was constant in her mind though. She had to get back to Jordan.

"Yes and no. It's hard to explain. Think of me as a guide of sorts."

"Wonderful. Now guide me to my daughter."

"You will be with Jordan when you're ready."

"I'm ready now."

"If you were neither of us would be here."

"This is getting really tiring. Can't you be straight with me? Is that too much to ask?"

"You have to be honest with yourself. Accept what happened to you and what happened to Jordan."

"I don't know what happened to Jordan." Tears threatened to spill over again. "I just want my baby back. Please."

"Charlotte, do you remember how I answered when you asked if I had children?"

"You said your daughter had passed away."

"Yes."

The silence stretched on until Charlotte didn't think she could stand it anymore.

"And?"

"Think Charlotte."

"You're me, but you're not me. Your daughter is dead. Mine isn't."

"Charlotte."

"Yes?"

"What happened to Jordan?"

Charlotte wanted to scream. "I don't know."

"You do."

"No."

The woman sighed. The light flashed briefly across her face again and then went out. Charlotte caught the pain in the silvery eyes.

"Jordan is dead Charlotte. She lost her life in the accident."

"No. You take me to her right now. I want to see my daughter."

"As you wish. You're not making this easy on either of us."

It played out like a scene on a TV screen. Light appeared and Charlotte saw Jordan. Her beautiful little girl was laughing. The makeshift screen widened, but what Charlotte saw was too much for her already stressed mind to handle. She blacked out.

When she came to again, the room brightened. The woman in the chair was studying her, puffing on a cigarette once again.

"I'm sorry Charlotte. You left me with no choice."

Charlotte silently accepted the offered cigarette. She lit it with a shaky hand, not meeting the other woman's eyes. What she had seen was too much, even if there was no way it could be real.

They sat in silence for several minutes, then the woman spoke up "Charlotte."

"What?"

"What you saw was real."

"None of this can be real."

"It's not real in the way you were taught to accept reality, no."

"So I lost my mind then huh? My daughter died and I'm talking to myself and seeing things that are supposed to comfort my broken brain."

"Not exactly. What do you remember about the accident?"

"This again. I told you."

"Go through it again. Step by step."

"We were in an accident. Hit head on and from behind. I guess I blacked out and blocked what happened to Jordan."

"So you accept Jordan's death?"

"I don't know. I don't remember losing her, but I can understand why my mind wouldn't want to deal with it."

"There are other reasons you don't remember Charlotte."

"Of course there are. Wait. You told me you would take me to Jordan. Why did you lie to me?"

"I didn't."

"You obviously did. If my daughter is dead and with my dead boyfriend and Nana Julie, how can you take me to her?"

The scene that had played out with Jordan laughing and happy with not only Nana Julie, but with Scott, had been what had been too much for Charlotte to take.

"Time doesn't exist in the same way here Charlotte, but we both know where you should be and it's not here."

"No kidding."

"So deal with it. Accept how the accident happened to both you and Jordan."

"Is going on without her not bad enough?"

"Look Charlotte, I've tried to be patient with you. But you're not only trapping yourself here but you're trapping me here with you until you accept the truth."

"What truth? It was raining and my tires slipped right when the other car went out of control."

"Is that how it happened?"

"Yes. I guess. That's what I remember. Or bits and pieces anyway."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes dammit."

The room darkened once again.

"Hey."

The woman remained silent, so a frustrated Charlotte stayed silent too. The room was dark and silent until it brightened once again with the same illusion of a TV screen where she had seen Jordan previously.

This time though, the scene that played out was different. It was like watching a movie of her own life.

Charlotte saw herself and Jordan in her old beat up car. The rain had really started coming down and the fact that the windshield wipers needed to be replaced didn't help with the visibility. They reached the stoplight three blocks from Jordan's preschool. As the accident played out, Charlotte sat back in a stunned silence.

Though her memory of the accident was still cloudy, what she had seen was not how she remembered it. She saw herself try to make it through the light when it was turning red. The car behind her tried to make it as well. The crash happened when Charlotte hit a red car head on and the car behind her ran into the back of her car. She had been the cause of the accident.

Charlotte's mind slipped a little again and she went into a dreamlike state for an indeterminate period of time. When she came back to herself, she looked right into the silvery blue of her own eyes.

"Charlotte."

"What?"

"It was an accident. Bad weather, everyone in a hurry. It could have happened to anyone. It's not your fault."

Charlotte lit a cigarette. Her emotions were running on overdrive and she didn't know how to handle them.

"It was my fault."

"Look at me Charlotte."

Charlotte let her eyes drift back to the woman's face.

"For one second do you believe you would purposefully take your daughter's life?"

"Of course not."

"Then accept it. Accept that you made a mistake that unfortunately happened to end Jordan's life."

"It's not acceptable."

"How do I say this without making it worse?"

"Just say it. It doesn't matter now. I'm alone and always will be. I don't know what I did to deserve any of this, but I guess whatever it was, it was a doozy."

"Do you believe in God Charlotte? In heaven and hell?"

"You tell me. Since you are me."

"Please Charlotte."

"Why should I believe in God now? I dealt with a bullshit marriage, got my life together and then lost not only the love of my life but our baby only days after I found out I was pregnant. Now I killed Jordan. There is no God, no hope left."

"We all make choices in our lives and yours led you here. But what is keeping you here is you. Only you and your refusal to deal with not only Jordan's death, but the death of Scott and your child."

"Don't you get it? Nothing matters anymore."

"It does Charlotte."

"No. Without Jordan nothing matters."

The woman sighed. "Get some rest. We'll talk again when you wake up."

"I don't want to wake up."

"Charlotte."

"I'm not a child. Leave me alone."

She turned over on the bed and closed her eyes, shutting everything out.

When she awoke, Charlotte had no idea how much time had passed. The room was dimly lit, but she could feel the woman's eyes on her. She turned away and reached for a cigarette, wondering how she was going to make her way out of this living nightmare.

"I'm sorry Charlotte. The human mind is a remarkable thing. Sometimes when the pain is too much, we convince ourselves that certain things didn't happen."

"Yeah. So how am I really going to get out of here?"

"It's as simple as letting the door open."

"Great. So I'm going to be trapped here forever."

"Only if you wish to be. Let's talk more Charlotte."

Charlotte sighed, but she let the woman lead her back into conversation with gentle and sometimes not so gentle questioning.

It might have taken hours. It might have taken days or years for all Charlotte knew. She cried. She finally gave up and let it all out, saying things she'd thought would never be said.

When the conversation had died, both women sat back and lit a cigarette.

"Charlotte, I believe that you have taken the steps to free us. Try the door."

Charlotte crossed to the door, a feeling of expectation rising. But the door still wouldn't open. She cursed under her breath and returned to the bed.

"Why are we still here? I'm going to be stuck here forever aren't I? Punished for killing my own child."

"It was my understanding that once you had broken through and accepted what happened, we would be free."

"Who wrote those rules?"

"It's complicated."

"Of course it is. All of this is unreal already, so just tell me."

"When your soul was released from your body, you remained behind to watch your daughter take her dying breaths and to offer her what comfort you could. Jordan's soul moved on. It carried no real guilt or despair, so your daughter went where she belonged right away. This room and our "therapy" sessions are your creation. You passed minutes before Jordan did and stayed behind to watch over her as mothers do. But your guilt and unresolved feelings have trapped us both here until you have successfully dealt with them."

"Why should I believe that? How do I know that I'm even really dead?"

"Have you had an urge to use the bathroom or been hungry? When you believe you are sleeping, it's simply your mind shutting everything out."

Charlotte bit her lip. "Who are you really and why do you look like me? Am I in hell?"

"Hell doesn't exist in the way you think it does. Some souls are kept behind to deal with their unresolved earthly deeds. How long they exist in their own locked rooms depends only on them. Others like you trap themselves because they can't forgive themselves for actions they taken while among the living. I am a soul that has been given your memories to assist you in the process of moving on. I look like you because you accept it. I could look like anyone or anything."

"So hell is kind of like prison."

"Not exactly. And you're not in hell Charlotte."

"Then why does it feel like it?"

"This is your creation. Let go and open the door. Move on. Some very important people are waiting for you."

Tears stung her eyes. She angrily wiped them away, feeling helpless and alone. She still doubted at least some of what the woman had said and had no idea how she was going to release herself from the predicament she was in.

Though the woman had said she wasn't really sleeping when she thought she was, Charlotte had had enough. She turned away and buried herself under the covers, closing her eyes.

When she opened her eyes again, the woman was gone. Her heart beat fast as she crossed to the door once again. It seemed to stick at first, but then the knob turned and the door opened with a gentle creak.

Charlotte looked out cautiously. Before her was a long hallway, lit up with a bright white light.

She took her first step into the hallway, wondering if she was doing the right thing. Then she shook her head at herself and thought I'm finally free.

The hallway seemed never ending. When she had begun to wonder if she would ever reach the end, she saw a door up ahead.

She crossed quickly to the door. It was an ordinary looking door. Charlotte had no idea what was behind it, but she figured it had to be better than the emptiness of where she had been.

Charlotte opened the door and saw before her a meadow filled with flowers. Every color of the rainbow was represented. She didn't think she'd ever seen anything so beautiful until she looked into her daughter's eyes.

"Mommy." Jordan threw herself at Charlotte. "We've been waiting for you for so long."

The feeling of coming home had never been as strong as it was when Charlotte took Jordan into her arms.

"Oh baby, I missed you. I am so sorry baby girl."

"It's okay Mommy. Nana Julie and Scott have been taking real good care of me."

Charlotte accepted her grandmother's embrace.

"We were worried about you darling."

"I was worried about me for a while too."

Charlotte laughed and turned her attention to the man she loved, the man she thought she thought she had lost forever. She felt almost shy as she let herself get lost in his eyes for a moment.

"Hello beautiful."

"Hi."

Scott kissed her and Charlotte knew that the darkness would not plague her again.
