in this video the Albatross faces an
uncertain future
the Komodo dragon takes a vicious
pummelling and we welcome our crazy yellow
ant overlords that's coming right up
hello it's Aerial Telly your filthy TV friend
who tells you exactly how it is
television reviews you can trust here
today to talk about planet earth 2
episode 1 so planet Earth's  back again
that crinkly old bastard Sir David
Attenborough is 105 years old and still prefers
the company of animals to humans
maybe Operation Yewtree needs to take a
look at him?
oh god!!!!!! this week we look at islands we
start on Esudo just off the coast of
Panama and we say hello to our friend
that pygmy three-toed sloth now you know
the sloth he's all about the pumpum,
right horny bastard he is and as he's
there lounging on his tree branch
he hears the mating call across the river
of the female, so you know he's going to
tap that ass! he flies down the tree at
speeds of up to one mile an hour, he
plunges into the river, swims across gets
back on dry land, shoots up the lads
tree and at the top
he finds it's the wrong freaking broad! this is
a hard-working single mother
WHO's already got a child and you know the
sloth he ain't looking to raise no other
man's child. fuck that!!! we visit Komodo,
indonesia home of course of the legend
the Komodo dragon. he's been holding shit
down on this island for four million
years. they are terribly impressive dinosaur
throwbacks these beasts there's great
footage of them fighting among each
other for food but you know Brer Komodo
he's just like the rest of the animal kingdom he's all
about the sweet pum-pum. he sees something
he likes, he gets in mack mode, he rolls
up on a hottie, spits some game and it's
ready to go down
she is well up for it. we're about to
see some awesome lizard porn... but then just
like in the human world what happens? a
gigantic cock block appears on the
horizon. A massive alpha male strolls up - he thinks
he has the copyright on island snatch!!
you know what that means –  it's on they go at each
other ferociously – it's a 26 rounder, a
real brutal encounter, there's slapping
there's gouging, they're head-butting, whacking
each other with their tails but it all ends
unfortunately when the alpha male gets
our boy in a chokehold and he taps out
like a little
bitch!  Useless bastard! on the subantarctic
islands of New Zealand three million
birds gather on one island for the brief
warm breeding season. we follow one male
albatross who waits for his honey to
come back from her annual six-month
Ocean odyssey - no doubt getting
fucked by every stud in every port... in
every hole!!!!!!!!!!!
she's ridiculously late this year and it
is clear to every ther bird on the island
all three million of them that this
albatross is being brutally cucked by
his honey.
following the example of DJ Norman Cook
being cut by DJ Dan Peppe..... CUCK!!!!!! following
the example of rupert murdoch being cucked
by Tony Blair...CUCK!!!!!!  andfollowing the
example of Kurupt being cucked by DMX
CUCK!!!!!!  exacerbating his humiliation is the
fact that every other male bird on the
planet is getting crazy tail and
finally she rolls up walking bowlegged
from the colossal volume of avian dick
she's been taking... OH GOD!!!!! on christmas
island in the Indian Ocean it's the red
crabs have been holding shit down here
for millions of years just like the Komodo
dragons all fifty million of them and
they form one of the greatest natural
spectacles on earth - the march of the red
crabs. this is where basically once a
year they go down to the beach have a big
party, smoke a joint, fool around and
then spunk into the ocean. but in recent
years that shit is being fucked up by
their archenemies the yellow crazy ants!!
Jesus!! these yellow crazy ants are a right rowdy crew
what they been doing is forming
vast super colonies in the jungles so
when the red crabs can out 50 million
deep they don't give a fuck they've got 500
million! they jump on thevb squirt acid in
their eyes, dismember them, eat them and
then jerk off into their barren husks.
like some awful sick snuff movie!!
Zavodovski Island is our final port of call an
incredibly inhospitable place
no of licenses and it's an active volcano
so it stinks of shitty sulphur
nonetheless it is home to the largest
penguin colony on earth. the rough terrain
is no friend to our boy the penguin every
time they dive into the ocean to get
some food they risk being thrown by this
huge wave that dashes them against the
rocks and you see these penguins with their
beaks all the wrong way, their eyes
popping out, guts ripped open, their
wings broken off
Island live for the Penguin
is a right bag of shit! so very
entertaining as you would expect. now I
wasn't quite as blown away as I was by
say Frozen Planet visually because that was
just stunning, every single shot was
incredible but it was still good stuff. i
think what the BBC in general do well
with wildlife documentaries they
understand the importance of
storytelling. now that means that you
have got to empathize with the animals to
some degree degree and anthropomorphise them
for example the Albatross we were
following Attenborough was saying "three million
Birds on this island but only one matters
to him..." so we're essentially seeing our
own struggles in the struggle of this
dopy albatross. at the end of each episode
is Planet Earth II diaries they've done this
before it's a sort of 'the making
of' and it shows the phenomenal
undertaking that a show like this is, the
challenges they face and I think this is
basically them saying "look at this is
where your license fee money is going...
....please keep the frigging license fee! we work
really hard and we'd like to continue
doing so!!" do let me know you think in the
comments below: do you think this was up to
the usual standard of BBC wildlife
documentaries? next week they're gonna
concentrate on mountains. Who doesn't love a
mountain right? if this is your first
time on Aerial Telly then please do the
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week reviewing, recapping, discussing
anything and everything to do with the
subject of television. because here's the
thing my name is Aerial Telly and
that means two things
1st off, it means i am your filthy TV
friend who tells you exactly how it is
and secondly I am television reviews you
can trust . But for now though
my name's Aerial Telly and I'm out!!
