("Thunderbirds" theme plays)
(beep) (groovy song plays)
Canada.
*The true north, strong and free!*
The country that everyone loves to hate,
and vice versa.
*What? I don't hate the UK. I mean, I hate some of their politicians but not them as a whole*
Which makes me sad, because every time the country tries to redeem itself,
*Believe me, we try to ignore Paul Tracy just as much as everyone else does, he's no redeemer*
it reminds everyone… the reasons why it was hated in the first place.
*Hopefully James Hinchcliffe is rectifying that well enough*
Much like the USA and North Korea.
*……excUUUUUUSE ME?! WE HAPPEN TO HAVE ONE OF THE MOST BELOVED POLITICIANS IN THE WORLD*
This time,
the grid in a little mixed up compared to the same treatment we're used to getting.
*The Benettons are on pole? Is it 1994 again?*
This time, we have Michael Schumacher on pole position, followed by Mika Hakkinen,
Eddie Irvine, and David Coulthard.
*Schumacher on pole? I guess it is like '94 in a way then*
Could we finally see some good old Canada action?
*"Finally"? How shit is your memory? Do you not remember the amazing race Schumi won in '98?*
(More importantly, Chris starts on a pack of Marlboros)
Let's find out.
So here we are.
*LETS LIGHT UP MY HOMETOWN TRACK AND MAKE 1-YEAR-OLD ME WEEP AT THE LOUD V10S LIKE A BITCH*
(distressed) GAAH, I can't think of anything!
Schumacher narrowly defends first place.
*NICE!*
Coulthard loses a place and further down the order,
Jarno Trulli does a Liuzzi and crashes his Sauber into Rubens Barrichello and his teammate, Jean Alesi,
taking Sauber completely out of the race in just… one… corner.
*……………*
*You know, I'll let you figure this one out yourself* (literally everyone corrected me on this)
Trulli is incredibly efficient at taking out people.
*I don't seem to remember him bulding up a reputation for it*
This is his second successive attempt.
*If only he had that kind of success at Renault as Alonso's teammate*
This is just one of the many accidents…
we're gonna see in this race.
*How can you be so sure?*
As expected, the safety car is deployed.
Which gives us more time to think back to those lovely days.
*Days when F1 was good and worth watching*
You know…
*Especially the late 90's-early 2000's just to see Schumacher do what he does best*
long walks on the beach…
*Okay, who the hell woudl have the stamina for that let's be real*
having fun with friends…
*Not to mention having friends in the first place*
"Completelys" dest-
*Great English*
Completely destroying the race,
for you, your teammate and someone else.
*Remember this statement in about 18 years and 3 months' time*
Good times.
*Well not for me, my teammate or the other guy*
*Especially not my team boss*
Good, good times. (beep)
There's an accident!
*F to Zonta*
It's Ricardo Zonta- wait.
*Wait for what? How did he crash?*
He isn't a champion, HOLD on.
*Yes he is! He's the current FIA GT champion, which I'm sure is part of the reason why he's at BAR this season*
Is this some sort of foreshadowing going on here?
*You mean… like… a lot of FIA GT champions are gonna crash into that wall?*
Will he be in the w- a world champion in the future?
*I mean… FIA GT is somewhat of a world championship so he already sort of is*
*Not sure about Formula One, though*
Or… wait.
Maybe…
*Not to mention an F3000 championship*
*Which, by the way, is INTERNATIONAL Formula 3000, as in, MULTIPLE NATIONS, as in, THE WORLD kinda*
he's a world champion in a parallel universe.
*I mean, maybe in a "Let's Play" career mode on YouTube somewhere he's a world champion, that's a possibility*
Is HE the MICHAEL SCHUMACHER of aNOTHER universe?!
*Now that's just stratching it*(great english)
wwWWWWWWWOT?!?!?!?! (beep)
And there's another accident!
*Thankfully it doesn't look too serious*
In the same corner!
*That's a straight you idiot*
This time, it's 1996 World Champion, Damon Hill.
*This season's just been a total shitstorm for poor Damon thus far*
(Chris sighs)
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to use this again.
*It's not even like he's that bad; he was able to win last year when everyone else couldn't stay in the race*
*And Frentzen has proven how much pace the Jordan has. I'm sure it'll turn around for him at some point*
(beep)
Schumacher is still dominating the race,
and has no problems… so far.
And NO, I'm not trying to jinx anything, the fuck are you talking about?
*What do YOU mean, using the term "jinx"? You didn't mention jinxes when McLaren were 1-2 in Barcelona*
*Is there something you know that we don't? Is it gonna have an effect on the outcome of the race?*
What do you mean, "Wall of Champions"?
*Who said anything about a Wall of Champions? You mean like an F1 Champion Wall of Fame somewhere?*
Shut the h- shut up.
What're you talking about? (beep)
Hakkinen is trailing behind in 2nd, and this looks like we're gonna have a proper battle on our hands!
*Well… the Mercedes engine has been quite powerful compared to the Ferrari this season*
*I really hope people aren't still saying this in 2017*
Well at least…
that's what I hoped.
"Cause this race has suddenly become… incredibly boring.
*I mean… I don't care all that much. Schumacher's in the lead, which means he'll make up points on Hakkinen!*
I don't think anything important's gonna happen for the rest of the race,
and I'm being absolutely serious when I say this.
*I mean… when you look at last year's race loads of important things were happening lap after lap*
*But tbf not much happened in Barcelona so I don't expect it to be much different today*
Oh, Schumacher's hit the wall?
*Well, right now we're onboard with Irvine who's binned it into the same wall as Zonta and Hill so focus on that*
Who cares, he's not a contender. Wait… you don't mean Ralf?
*Wait, WHAT?*
*NO WAIT, THAT'S A BLUE AND RED HELMET, NOT GREEN AND RED*
OH, FUCK!
SCHUMACHER'S CRASHED!
*FUCK THIS FUCKING RACE IT CAN GO TO FUCKING HELL*
NOOO, HOLY…
*NOTHING IS HOLY. IF GOD IS REAL WHY IS SCHUMACHER OUT OF THIS RACE?*
NOOO!!!
*HOW COULD THIS FUCKING HAPPEN? THIS IS THE MOST TRAGIC THING THAT'S HAPPENED ALL SEASON*
(upset) I wanted him to win!
*Me too, man. (wipes away tear) IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR*
(Chris makes disconcerting noises)
(Chris gets impaled by the Stake of Ferrari Bias™, which makes its return from the end of last season)
(record scratch)
(distraught) Hakkinen's going to win!
*Why even bother living anymore?*
(anguished) FUUUUUCK.
(beep)
(emotionless) Why should I even con-
Why should I even continue…
to review this race? Everything I've cared for has been taken away.
*I'll tell you why. Your subscribers subscribed to see quality content and they'll get that, Schumi or not*
And is only gray…
quite literally!
*Well, the McLarens are also silver but I realize that won't make you feel any better*
Well… (sniff)
there's- there's still Eddie Irvine, but he'll probably never win another race.
(sob)
*To be fair, the F399 holds up pretty well to its predecessors, I wouldn't put it past him*
(Chris whimpers pathetically)
*Don't get too down. The season is 16 races long. There'll be plenty of time for Schumi to bounce back!*
(still upset) Ralf Schumacher goes off but manages to recover.
*So you take note of that but not Coulthard cutting the chicane? Nice priorities*
WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN YOU?!?!?!
*Because he's not a champion, duh*
WHY?!?!?!?!
*I mean, that doesn't mean non-World Champions are invincible from the wall but nevertheless*
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!??!?!?!
(beep)
Now- now Villeneuve,
the 1997 World Champion has hit the same wall as the 1995 and 1996 champions.
*Considering how big of a Schumacher mark you claim to be I'm surprised you've only mentioned '95*
That wall probably prefers the "Senner" era.
*Who the hell is Senner? Is he from that alternate universe where Zonta is a God?*(stop making fun of my accent)
And who could blame it? (beep)
Now, the only person who can stop Hakkinen from winning today is Heinz-Harald Frentzen.
*Uhh, have you seen the gap between them? Don't hold your breath*
And I think he has a GREAT chance.
I mean, he's SHOWN that he can compete with the big cats.
*Well, when his car is willing, yeah, but he only won 1 race in a car which won both the WDC AND the WCC*
And here is his chance!
COME ON, Frentzen!
(surprised gargle)
Holy fu- OH, NO!
(wincing) Ahhhh… jeez…
*I'm not even gonna try to take the piss anymore, that looked nasty as hell*
That looked like it hurt.
*I mean he never looked like he was gonna catch Hakkinen but he was still on course for a good P2*
(Chris sucks in through his teeth)
Ohhh, I hope he's okay.
*More importantly, I hope Eddie doesn't lose his mind at seeing both his cars go out*
(quietly) FFFffffffffffffuck.
*I mean, Damon's crash was pure driver error, but this wasn't Heinz' fault; the brakes just went on him*
Thankfully,
Heinz-Harald Frentzen was completely uninjured.
*It looked bad, but not awful. It'd have been a different story if it was at the end of the backstraight, though*
And was only shaken.
*Pretty damn heavily at that! I can't imagine the G-forces he would've sustained there*
Not stirred.
*A valiant effort but I think it'd be best to leave the Bond references to a certain Matheus-007*(what, the plagiarist?)
The accident caused the safety car to come out until the end of the race,
giving Mika Hakkinen the victory…
to the Canadian Grand Prix.
*Bollocks. Bollocks, bollocks, BOLLOCKS!*
(Chris exhales heavily with the deep sorrow that the Marlboros he purchased have been for naught this race) (I DON'T FUCKING SMOKE)
God… fucking… dammit.
*Well, I'm still holding out hope for Mika to lose out on easy points so Schumi can catch back up*
("Mystery Science Theater 3000" theme song plays)
*Also, I don't just like F1. I LOVE F1!*
*Well, from what I've seen of the new version, it seems okay. I may give some of the original episodes a try*
*Well, I was already subscribed to him when I saw your channel*(fuck you)
*Also, how is the fact that it's 2015 the best part? 2015 was one of the worst seasons in recent memory*
*Why not just write "description"? You had 4 lines in the last slate, can you not afford to type any more characters? Editing software isn't Twitter, you know*
