 
"The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes"
part 2

Copyright 2016 Eric Landa

Smashwords Edition
Smashwords Edition  
Copyright © 2016 Eric Landa. All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. This book is a work of fiction. People, places, events and situations are the product of the authors imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or historical events, is purely coincidental. This document is geared towards providing exact and reliable information in regards to the topic and issue covered. The publication is sold with the idea that the publisher is not required to render accounting, officially permitted, or otherwise, qualified services. If Advice is necessary, legal or professional, a practiced individual in the profession should be ordered. From a Declaration of Principles which was accepted and approved equally by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations. In no way is it legal to reproduce, duplicate, or transmit any part of this document in either electronic means or in printed format. Recording of this publication is strictly prohibited and any storage of this document is not allowed unless with written permission from the publisher. All rights reserved. The information provided herein is stated to be truthful and consistent, in that any liability, in terms of inattention or otherwise, by any usage or abuse of any policies, processes, or directions contained within is the solitary and utter responsibility of the recipient reader. Under no circumstances will any legal responsibility or blame be held against the publisher for any reparation, damages, or monetary loss due to the information herein, either directly or indirectly. Respective authors own all copyrights not held by the publisher. The information herein is offered for informational purposes solely, and is universal as so. The presentation of the information is without contract or any type of guarantee assurance. The trademarks that are used are without any consent, and the publication of the trademark is without permission or backing by the trademark owner. All trademarks and brands within this book are for clarifying purposes only and are the owned by the owners themselves, not affiliated with this document. The contents of this book has been compiled from all over the place but since these quote are the work of many others but myself, I will make this 'book' available as a free downloadable eBook via my website and via all major retailers. There will never be any charges for this extensive work that comes in 3 parts, all titled "The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes" parts 1, 2 & 3.
Introduction

I want to thank you and congratulate you for downloading this book "The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes" part 2. -From the F of Family to the M of Misunderstanding-

This second book contains another five thousand jokes from a variety of sources from both famous and ordinary people. Hopefully they'll bring a smile to your face, a grin to your mouth and maybe sometimes make your fingers scratch your head every now and then.

Thank you for downloading this book, I hope you'll enjoy it!

Eric Landa (www.ericlanda.com)
Table of Content

5001 - 5313 Jokes on: Family

5314 - 5333 Jokes on: Farming

5334 - 5410 Jokes on: Fashion

5411 - 6202 Jokes on: Food and Drink

6203 - 6235 Jokes on: Gardening

6236 - 6275 Jokes on: Ghosts

6276 - 6356 Jokes on: Health

6357 - 6446 Jokes on: History

6447 - 6511 Jokes on: Holidays

6512 - 6816 Jokes on: Homeless

6818 - 7805 Jokes on: Internet

7806 - 8114 Jokes on: Irony

8115 \- 9209 Jokes on: Joke

9210 - 9393 Jokes on: Library

9394 - 9452 Jokes on: Little Johnny

9453 - 9584 Jokes on: Lottery

9585 - 9647 Jokes on: Magic

9648 - 10000 Jokes on: Misunderstanding

#5001

My wife's like a Toyota; when she starts, she never stops. Family

#5002

I was quite nervous about teaching my 13 yr. old daughter the facts of life. We sat down and had a chat and it went really well. Now I'm really looking forward to tonight's session. It's the practical. Family

#5003

"The girlfriend told me she doesn't want to speak to me or see me for a while because I didn't say anything to the bus driver who was rude to her. It seems that we're just not getting on anymore." Family

#5004

"Went shopping with my other half earlier and she went to try some dresses on and wanted my opinion "Do I look good in this one?" She asked "Nope" "This one?" "Nope" and so I went on for half an hour until she finally said "Surely I must look good in something?" "Yes" I said "In the dark" Family

#5005

Women have periods. Men suffer from them! Family

#5006

"I'm going to put an end to female patronization. So don't any of you ladies worry your pretty little heads" Family

#5007

I'm off on holiday soon with the wife and kids, though I haven't decided on the McCann's or another Family this year. Family

#5008

I don't need omega 3 pills to taste fish all day. I've got my wife for that. Family

#5009

The beach's got everything! Sand for the kids, sun for the wife. Sharks for the mother-in-law. Family

#5010

"The wife said that I never took her out for anything to eat and drink, so took her out for tea and biscuits the other day... it was her first time as a blood donor." Family

#5011

"Just sitting down to play Modern Warfare now. Or visiting the in-laws for dinner over the Christmas season as others call it." Family

#5012

Top Tip for School Bullies: Pick on a Kid who lives at an Orphanage. What's the worst he can say? ''I'm gonna get my Nun on you!'' Family

#5013

"When there's a will, there's a way! I used that phrase today... ...While explaining to my father why he has to live in a home." Family

#5014

"I've always thought that parenting was in many ways similar to raising a dog. Which is why I've just left my toddler tied up outside Tesco while i do some shopping" Family

#5015

"The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"' The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."'" Family

#5016

"I decided to put my wife on that TV show, 'Take me out'. That is the one with the snipers yeah?" Family

#5017

"I and my mum share something special. Our first child." Family

#5018

"Every so often, my dad invites an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman round for the evening, and I and my dad hide all the chairs. It's a standing Joke in our house." Family

#5019

"I was fishing with my dad yesterday, when he told me I was adopted. I was reeling." Family

#5020

"Just as a Joke I told the kids they were adopted. You should have seen their faces! I've never seen them so happy." Family

#5021

"On a Sunday afternoon, me and the wife usually take a look around the dogs home. For some reason, the mother in law loves showing us around her bungalow." Family

#5022

"My dad wants me to go into the Family mining business, but I'm not too keen. I think I'm above all that." Family

#5023

My doctor asked me if any of my Family suffered from insanity. I replied. NO .we all actually enjoy it. Family

#5024

"The other night, I was in bed trying to sleep. A very drunk woman came stumbling into my room. I began to speak out to the woman, but my curiosity to see what the woman would do silenced me. She climbed onto my bed. I leaned up, watching this woman inch her way toward my midsection. She pulled off my covers and began to unzip my fly. She then pulled out my Raging Red Rocket and looked up at me and said, "You ready for this Dan?" My name is Richard. She then starts the sucking. Well, I let this go on for a minute or two...who really knows, but I started feeling a bit bad for letting this drunken broad syphon sperm on someone she didn't plan to. So I spoke up and said... "Mom, your room is across the hall." Family

#5025

"My daughter has recently started sleep walking. Or so the wife thinks...." Family

#5026

"What's the difference between swimming and sucking? My 12 year old daughter can swim a whole length without choking." Family

#5027

"She pulled her silky gusset to one side. I went in deep, deep up to my nuts in guts. She let out an almighty gasping groan.... Nan's arthritis was playing up at an inopportune time yet again." Family

#5028

"I got a letter from my sons school saying he was illiterate i went mental! We got married 3 weeks before he was born" Family

#5029

"I wet the bed until I was 16. I didn't have a problem. I just think it's important not to raise your parent's expectations unnecessarily" Family

#5030

"My wife said "I've told you a million times. You are the most forgetful man on earth". "Funny, I don't remember her ever saying that"." Family

#5031

"The wife asked me the other night "Why don't we go out any more?" Apparently "Your answers in the mirror" isn't the answer she was looking for." Family

#5032

I can imagine the Family portraits in the Where's Wally household are pretty interesting. Probably just a photo of a couch and a lamp. Family

#5033

"I and the wife were going on holiday for a week. When we were packing she turned to me and said "Why don't we pack each other's suit cases?" I said "Okay sounds fun." When we got ourselves checked into the hotel we were staying at, I opened my suitcase to find 3 pairs of speedos, a few tank tops and 2 pairs of sandals. "Very funny" I said. My wife opened hers to find a one way ticket back to England." Family

#5034

I used to get a lot of sun stroke... Until my Dad died. Family

#5035

They say no pain no gain... Didn't work when my Uncle lost his leg... Family

#5036

"Your mum's so fat she can walk through walls. She's like a wrecking ball." Family

#5037

I was named after my father - That Guy from the Bar Family

#5038

"As I checked in at Heathrow Terminal 5, I was told that I would have to pay excess baggage costs. I knew I shouldn't have brought the wife." Family

#5039

I'm better than my Family at everything. They'd think I was really arrogant if I wasn't so good at being modest. Family

#5040

"My father always made me live out his broken dreams by signing me up to all sorts of sports teams. I actually like to think I made him quite proud. After all, I did fail them all just like him." Family

#5041

"I handed my mother in law a bouquet of flowers and said "These made me think of you." "They're lovely," she said "What are they?" "Snapdragons" I replied." Family

#5042

"My dad has taken to punishing my by removing my Internet privileges I hope he likes bodily fluids in his coffee." Family

#5043

"Men want 3 things in a woman: An artist in the home, an economist in the kitchen and a devil in bed. What they actually get is: A devil in the home, an artist in the kitchen and an economist in bed!" Family

#5044

"Did you know that 8 out of 10 kids aren't getting enough protein in their diet? And did you know that the other 2 in my room are getting plenty?" Family

#5045

"Our Family were so poor when I was a child, my brother and I had to share everything. Mind you, you should see how quick I am on one roller skate." Family

#5046

"How do you know when a Family get together has gone too far? You can confirm your Mums a squirted." Family

#5047

"My mother's sister is a cleaner. Aunty Bacterial" Family

#5048

"A young boy was just being potty trained. When he went into the bathroom though, Tommy managed to hit everything but the toilet. So his mum had to go in and clean up after him. This went on for a further two weeks. His mother found this most annoying and she'd had enough. The next day she took young Tommy to the doctors. After the examination the Doctor said 'his unit is too small. An old wives tale is to give him two slices of toast every morning, and his unit will eventually grow so he can hold it straight and pee with precision.' 'oh thank you so much doctor we'll see I'd that works!' said the mother. The next morning, Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table were twelve slices of toast. 'Mum!' he yelled. 'The doctor said only two slices!' 'I know Tommy' said his mother. 'The other ten are for your Father.'" Family

#5049

"I decided that I would take control of my life... ..But my wife says that I can't." Family

#5050

"I went to meet my girlfriend's Family today. "Nice to meet you Dave," my girlfriends sister smiled. "I've heard lots about you". "Likewise," I replied. "How's the Gonorrhea?" Family

#5051

"It's the Stone Age. A caveman's wife comes running up, screaming: "Ugg! Ugg! A saber-toothed tiger has just walked into my mother's cave!" Ugg is unimpressed: "Stupid tiger. It'll just have to fight its own way out, won't it?" Family

#5052

"A man walked up to view the body of his mother-in-law at a funeral. As he began to weep his wife walked up to him, slapped him and said, "Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway!" The husband replied, "I know. I thought I saw her move." Family

#5053

"Experts say that the Box Jellyfish is the most venomous thing on the planet. They obviously didn't interview my mother-in-law for the position." Family

#5054

"I was sat on the top floor of a double decker bus with my wife and my 5 year old son. I said look Jakey, we're bigger than everyone up here. "Not bigger than Mummy though are we Dad" He replied I looked at him and then turned to my wife. I've never been so proud and ashamed at the same time." Family

#5055

Talking to my unsupportive dad the other day, he said "Do you know what the best thing about being your father is?" and with high hopes of getting praise for the first time I excitedly said "what dad?" "Going to work" he replied Family

#5056

"The wife told me she is leaving me, and an hour later she caught me in floods of tears! She said she is really sorry to do this to me! What she didn't realize is that I popped the champagne cork straight into my eyes! Now let's start celebrating!" Family

#5057

"Father: "You look a lot better now after the accident." Son: "What accident?" Father "When you were born." Family

#5058

"I called my dad into my room to fix my computer for the fifth time today. "This just isn't on!" he snapped, flicking the power switch." Family

#5059

"My wife and son died last year in a vicious shark attack. I wish I could have been there to save them, but I was a faster swimmer." Family

#5060

"As my cat burglar father used to say "As one door closes, another third story window opens" Family

#5061

"I always hate the risk of coming on to one of your best friends. You never know if it's going to work out or just end up awkward between you and inevitably ruin the friendship. That's why it's such a special moment when they tell you you're like a brother to them, because then you know it's ok to go for it." Family

#5062

"I was in the shower this morning and noticed on my shampoo bottle that it bragged 'Bigger size, better value!' Shame it doesn't work that way with the wife." Family

#5063

"Sorry, you have the wrong number" "Sorry, you have the wrong number" "Sorry... ..You would think after the 57th time your parents would get the message" Family

#5064

"My mother told me not to talk to strange men. Since I found out he collects bottle tops I've not said a word to my dad." Family

#5065

"My dad was a dustman. Then someone sneezed." Family

#5066

I took my wife into Foreign Exchange the other day and said 'Can I swap for a Swedish wife please? Family

#5067

"At times like these I look back to what my late uncle would always say Sorry, I missed my bus" Family

#5068

"An eerie thing is causing my close relatives to send me badly written letters. Whatever it is, it makes my kin scrawl." Family

#5069

"I recently rediscovered my youth. Decomposing in the Cellar." Family

#5070

"Walking down the road with my elderly father, I saw a stray dog walking in our direction. I petted him and allowed him to walk along with us. "You know," I said "I've always wanted a dog." "Well son" said my dad "my asthma, I can't live with a dog!" "That's true" I said. I thought to myself "I'll find him a good home." "Golden Years Retirement Complex" is just around the corner." Family

#5071

"The missus has finally given me something that I have wanted since our first night together her absence" Family

#5072

"Why is your mum like a pub in Portsmouth? Because she's crammed full of seamen." Family

#5073

My 11 yr. old daughter is having a friend stay over tonight. Whatever the outcome is I will wake up in the morning with a big smile on my face knowing that I will have had my first ever threesome. Family

#5074

"The upside of my divorce and remarriage in my 40's? A pair of my teenage stepdaughter's used panties to sniff each day." Family

#5075

"I and My Girlfriend have decided that we don't want to have children. If anyone does, we can drop them off tomorrow...." Family

#507

"My little girl came up to me today with an intent expression on her face and said: "Daddy, why did you name me Angel?" I sat her on my knee and explained to her: "Listen sweetie-pie, my policy as a father has always been to give my children names that reflect how I feel about them." She beamed at me. "Now take the prodding stick down to the cellar and check if Accident and Flesh waste are still alive." Family

#5077

"My mother in law had a fatal heart attack this morning. There's nothing better than waking up to good news." Family

#5078

I cried as my Nan called my brother an ambulance today. Her Alzheimer's is getting worse. Family

#5079

"I think it's funny when I throw my kids in the pool. My wife disagrees with me though. She says I should put some water in." Family

#5080

"I've made quite a few mistakes in my life. The Child Support Agency kindly send me letters to remind me." Family

#5081

"My sister asked me if I'd liked to come with her, I got all excited until I realized she was holding the car keys" Family

#5082

Manchester City midfielder Shawn Wright Phillips has been put on the transfer list today, Madonna is said to be interested Family

#5083

"My kids are like my Jokes. Every time I have a new one, it gets removed." Family

#5084

"I was at the self-checkout at supermarket today when a message popped up which read "Could you do with one less bag?". "Yes", I thought, "but unfortunately she's my mother-in-law"." Family

#5085

"I received a phone call on my mobile from my son's school teacher today. "Your son hasn't turned up for school for over a week," he exclaimed. "Well, speak to his Gran," I snapped. "I'm in prison!" "What about his mother?" he replied. "Why do you think I'm in prison?" Family

#5086

"Every woman has something beautiful. In my wife's case it's her younger sister." Family

#5087

"Why is your mum so fat? Every time she swallows, I buy her a cake." Family

#5088

"I was just watching my mum masturbating. She was asleep ......" Family

#5089

Your mamma's so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed the whole first season of Lost. Family

#5090

My Dad was a man of very few words, one day he said to me "Son..." Family

#5091

"Me and the wife had a play fight this morning. She threw hamlet but my Tempest really knocked her for six" Family

#5092

"My wife and my life are quite similar. I know one day they're going to leave me but they would never have the courage to do it when I'm awake." Family

#5093

When I was a little boy, my parents used to move and change houses a lot. Though I would find them again. Family

#5094

"Do you like my watch? My grandfather sold it to me on his death bed. I gave him a cheque." Family

#5095

Now that I'm married, I keep a photo of my Family where I used to keep my money when I was single. Family

#5096

"Can't believe, I've just been thrown out of my Mother-in laws funeral. Apparently, hiring an 18 piece Steel Band is disrespectful!" Family

#5097

My wife and kids are my heart and soul. They're slowly being destroyed through my alcoholism and heroin addiction. Family

#5098

"I've received terrible news that my teenage daughter's been knocked down in a car accident. Surgeons have spent hours operating on her and say she'll pull through but due to internal injuries she'll never be able to have children. So on the Brightside, I won't have to use condoms anymore." Family

#5099

"My wife reckons I don't treat my ginger stepson fairly: "I can't believe you won't let him come on holiday with us" she said "He's always wanted to go to Disneyland" "I don't care, he always spoils Holidays for his brother and sister" I replied. "Why should we let him ruin this one too?" "Because he'll be dead in two months and the Make-A-Wish Foundation said the holiday was for him." Family

#5100

"I fear the moment that the world as we know it changes, the moment that makes you a different person. Your mum added you as a friend to Facebook." Family

#5101

"People question my parenting skills, but I think my son is like a ray of sunshine. I try and stay out of direct contact with him." Family

#5102

"The kids have emphatically said they don't want me to help them with their homework, because I'm always getting things slightly wrong ... I said.'OK, fine. But remember what goes around, comes down'" Family

#5103

"My wife told me she is sick of me constantly putting her mother down. I told her that her mother should improve her MMA skills then" Family

#5104

Apparently my wife wants to divorce me because of my appearance. I haven't shown up in two years. Family

#5105

"'In many things, being first is very important & can give you an advantage.' I told my young son 'Aardvark' earlier." Family

#5106

"After the christening of his baby brother, little Jack cried all the way to the car. "Why are you crying, Jack?" asked his father. "Because the vicar said he wanted us to grow up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you and mum," sobbed Jack." Family

#5107

"The last few weeks have been brilliant spending time with my wife and children but it was difficult explaining that daddy will soon be gone and won't be around very much. But come on football season is about to resume." Family

#5108

"My wife just asked me what I would do if she was kidnapped. I asked her if she'd ever seen that Liam Neason film 'taken'. ..... I told her I'd watch that." Family

#5109

"What bounces and makes kids cry? Gary Glitter on a pogo stick." Family

#5110

"I was planning to take my son off the car roof hours ago. But all the other drivers are having so much fun waving and flashing their lights at us." Family

#5111

"I like Trains. Because one killed my Wife" Family

#5112

"I've been seeing a lot of my Family recently. I must have watched twenty episodes and not laughed once." Family

#5113

"Both my granddads are completely different from each other. I call my mum's father "Early Granddad" because no matter where we go or what we do he is always the first one there. I call my dad's father "Late Granddad" because he's dead." Family

#5114

I have just made my daughter a puppet using nothing but my bare hand. Family

#5115

"BBC News: 'Call for Children's Fitness Tests' If it means my daughter having even more stamina then I'm all for it." Family

#5116

"What's worse than your wife not being tight? Your daughter not being tight." Family

#5117

My wife is a travel agent for guilt trips. Family

#5118

"Q. If men have 'Family jewels' what do women have?? A. 'Jewelry boxes'" Family

#5119

"Took the missus for an Italian the other night and after consulting the menu she ordered the page one. "That's Page 1 you daft cow" I said" Family

#5120

"I bought a park bench to remember our dear little daughter. It didn't work, I still forgot to fetch her from school." Family

#5121

Those who say that there is nothing to fear but fear itself obviously have never had 4 missed calls from their mum. Family

#5122

"I was told earlier today that I'm impossible to please I must say, i wasn't very happy after hearing that" Family

#5123

"I and my identical twin were separated at birth and I haven't seen him since. I've often thought about trying to find him... ...But I wouldn't know where to start, or what he looks like now." Family

#5124

"I'm often accused of being a compulsive liar, so let's get a few things straight. My grandfather stormed the beaches of Normandy and was decorated after the war. My other grandfather started a small business in London that's now a multi-million pound company. My other grandfather..." Family

#5125

"I and my brother decided to have a sword fight. Let's just say he's my half-brother now." Family

#5126

"I love going to bed with my wife knowing that when I wake up I get to hear those three Magical words every man loves to hear in the morning; ''Here's your tea'" Family

#5127

"I've recently been on one of those 'fly-drive' Holidays with the Family. The wife kept flying off the handle and the kids drove me up the wall." Family

#5128

I just joined a group on Facebook that was called KIDS v CANCER, it would seem that writing "I'm putting all my money on cancer" on the message board is not the best to get friends. Family

#5129

"Just informed my friends that i scored with an older woman! Everyone thinks I'm "the man!!!" now :) Thanks gran, i owe you one ;)" Family

#5130

"We had visitors at dinner time. It was time for them to leave when our daughter Sharon offered to lead us in prayer; "Dear God, I thank you for giving me such lovable parents, Thank you for the visitors and their children who ate all my cookies and ice-cream. Bless them so that they shall never have to come to our home for supper. Forgive the boy who was wrestling with my sister on her bed and the naughty girl for eating sausage on my brother's pants as he slept on the settee, and this winter please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies in Daddy's Cell phone,

& build shelter to the Homeless men who sleep with mum when dad is at work ...Amen." Family

#5131

"I gave my girlfriend the earth, then she asked me for the stars. She got them as soon as I gave her a right hook." Family

#5132

If I become my parents, I'll be an alcoholic blonde running around chasing after twenty year old men.....or I'll become my mom. Family

#5133

Why do parents always take their children to the supermarket to smack them? Family

#5134

Old people, bless them. My great grandfather had a fight at his allotment the other day. I went up to sort it out, but the next day it was forgotten about. Family

#5135

"My dad told me that the quiet times with the one you love is what makes you happiest. He's always smiling at mum's grave." Family

#5136

"Watching The Nightmare before Christmas has become a tradition for our Family at this time of the year. I hate having a meal at the in-laws." Family

#5137

"My friend just phoned me to say he accidentally shot his wife in the knee and wanted to know what he should do... I told him "Aim Higher" Family

#5138

"As I've aged, every time I look in the mirror I see my dad more and more. I think I should move out, it's starting to get weird." Family

#5139

"Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh sure, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter." "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother- in-law." Family

#5140

I asked my mum who my real dad was. She just said; "Some soldiers." Family

#5141

I recently went down with the missus to trade her car in and was outraged to only be offered 300 based upon the state of the bodywork, flaps hanging off and a knackered back box. On a positive note I got 2.5k back on the car. Family

#5142

"Whenever I tell my wife that we're leaving, I always say "Let's bounce." Not because I think it sounds better than "Let's move." I just like to remind her that she doesn't have any legs." Family

#5143

My wife couldn't breast feed when she gave birth to our daughter, so I let her suckle off our Labrador which had just had a litter of pups. Now here we are sixteen years later and there's nothing wrong with her..... Though in all honesty she is a bit of a dog ... Family

#5144

"Our child kicked my wife so I smacked him hard. My wife says I over reacted and that it's common during pregnancy." Family

#5145

"I want to buy some land to raise some sheep and cows and pigs. so I went to an estate agents called Anemo. Everyone knows An Emo Sell Farms" Family

#5146

"I've wanted to run away from home recently because no one understands me. I hate my kids." Family

#5147

My parents lied to me a lot when I was a boy. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, "stop crying and we'll let you out of the box"..... Family

#5148

My dad walked through the door this morning I told him to use the handle next time. Family

#5149

I said to my son, "Sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday, but on a totally un-related subject, you're adopted." Family

#5150

"Worthers original... A creamy golden reminder that granddad's dead" Family

#5151

David Cameron has pledged to help White Families adopt Black Babies more quickly...Or "Madonna's Law" as it will be more commonly known Family

#5152

I felt awful after hearing my ex-girlfriend had been killed in a horrific car accident. I might never get my Rocky V dvd back. Family

#5153

"My son said "If I grow up to be half of the man you are, I'd be happy!" earlier. I then realized he was talking to his mother." Family

#5154

My young daughter saw some women trying different perfumes. She came to me and said "I want to smell like a grown up woman". So I killed her goldfish and put it in her knickers. Family

#5155

"My wife told me her mother was coming over and asked me to be nice to her. 'I'm always nice!' I protested. 'What about last week when she asked if you would get her a drink of water?' She asked. 'Did I not get her a drink of water?' I asked in reply. 'Yes.' She said, 'In a dog bowl, which you put on the floor in front of her.'" Family

#5156

My mother-in-law says I'm effeminate. I suppose, next to her, I am. Family

#5157

I'm going to call my new-born son "Names", so that name-calling isn't a problem when he's older. Family

#5158

"My wife left me today, because of my inability to react appropriately in situations. So I went shopping." Family

#5159

"My daughter is so much like my late wife. Never on time" Family

#5160

"I got a phone call from the hospital today. "Dad, you better come down here quick," my son cried. "Mum's going to die." "Oh no," I panicked. "Who's going to look after you?" Family

#5161

"My wife is missing for almost 2 weeks now and the police warned me that I should prepare myself for "the worst case scenario" So I went back to the second hand store where I sold all of her clothing and bought it all back..." Family

#5162

"I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed." Not a good thing to hear from your dad. Unless, of course, your dad is Dr. Bruce Banner." Family

#5163

"A religious nut I know told me that my idle thumbs are the Devil's playthings. I guess my uncle was the Devil then." Family

#5164

"Whilst in bed my wife said she knows I've been cheating with the girl next door. I was relieved when she made it clear that she was talking about my next door neighbours, not my daughter in the next room." Family

#5165

"I'm really worried because my 13 year old daughter claims to have slept with 'countless' men. What sort of 13 year old can't count to 107?" Family

#5166

With so many unwanted cats and dogs roaming the streets... I won't bother with a turkey this Christmas. Family

#5167

"Saw some Ginger Siamese twins today and funny I thought they both looked a bit like Raoul Moat Then I couldn't help but think to myself that 2 heads are better than none." Family

#5168

"You should have seen the misses face when I told her I was into domestic violence. Bruised." Family

#5169

"I treat my radiator and daughter the same. I bleed them regularly." Family

#5170

"My wife and I recently adopted a beautiful little ginger. We had a choice but he was easily the cutest. It's ok, it's a kitten." Family

#5171

It's weird how so many people I meet know I'm Bob's nephew Family

#5172

"I've told my son that I have put 250 000 into a trust fund to be released to him at the time of my death. That way I know that I won't be there to see his disappointment when he realizes that I'm a bad father." Family

#5173

"The doctor told us that my wife only had days to live. I began to get really worried for our children. It was going to be a nightmare finding foster parents at such short notice." Family

#5174

"If I ever have more kids in my household than adults I'll explain to them about democracy. I'll say that the majority group in the house gets to decide things: what food we buy, where we go to have fun and what TV. channel. Once they're excited that they'll be able to always take the majority I'll point out they're not old enough to vote." Family

#5175

My mother in law was kicked by my horse, she dies from the injury. There are lots of people at the funeral, even from other towns as well. My friend asked me surprisingly if my mother in law was loved by so many people. No, I replied. They all wanna buy my horse... Family

#5176

Bought the wife a new washing machine made in India ....a stone. Family

#5177

"My missus says I'm immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talk... Ha! Like that's gonna happen in the middle of conker season" Family

#5178

"I can't count the amount of cousins I've slept with on my hands... I can on my toes, though." Family

#5179

"Staying at a B&B there's that awkward feeling, you're in somebody's home, like your mates house, his parents are there... but he's dead." Family

#5180

Apparently when my mum asked where I was taking her for her birthday, an old people's home wasn't the answer she was hoping for. Family

#5181

"I refuse to drive my children everywhere and insist they either cycle or walk. While this has made sure they aren't overweight, the trip to the lion enclosure at Longleaf was a bit of a disaster." Family

#5182

"Just got back from my Mum's cremation. I'm glad that's all done and dusted" Family

#5183

I binned the Mrs. the other day. Just a bit worried she might start to smell before the next collection. Especially with the bank holiday. Family

#5184

Judging by the way my dad reacted when I arrived home stoned last night, he meant something totally different when he said "Son, get out there and live the high life" Family

#5185

"My mother had a go at me for never visiting her. At least I think it was my mother." Family

#5186

"What's the difference between my wife and a grittier? Doubt my wife will be spreading tonight." Family

#5187

"My father got up and announced that he was engaged to be married yesterday. I was made up for him, but my sister broke down in tears and ran off, missing the rest of our mother's funeral." Family

#5188

"When my daughter announced that she was getting married I knew I had to come clean. She was rather upset after I'd told her that I wasn't her real dad. But at least I managed to avoid the tradition of the bride's father paying for the wedding." Family

#5189

Where would I be without my mother? Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger. Family

#5190

My uncle died the other day, broke his neck. He was leaving Asda and tripped over a 'bag for life' Family

#5191

"My parents badly abused me when I was a child. They gave me toys to play with, food to eat and a nice cozy bed. I don't think they understood what abuse involves." Family

#5192

"My new neighbours came up to me today and said, "Alright mate, nice to meet you" I said "Hi nice to meet you too" He asked " Mate, do you know when the dustbin men come?" so I replied " Yeah Tuesday why?" He said "well my wife's body is starting to stink up the car....." Family

#5193

"My girlfriend surprised me as I walked into the living room, she held up her card and offered me two lines. I wish I hadn't rolled up a tenner as fast as I had... Stupid Lottery." Family

#5194

Had my wife reminded me of condoms, my daughter wouldn't be expecting a baby. Family

#5195

Making children is for people that can't afford a dog Family

#5196

"3 kids and another baby on the way with my wife of 14 years. This is the life..... ....I'm running away from" Family

#5197

"I took the wife for a walk in the local park this morning, you should have seen the filthy looks I was getting from the public. Not sure what their problem was.... she was wearing a muzzle and I never let her off the leash." Family

#5198

"You know you have no social life when your 70 year old mother gets more texts then you. It's even worse when she hasn't had a working mobile for 3 years." Family

#5199

I was quite disturbed the other day whilst staying over at my grandparents. They gave me a kiss and a cuddle and went upstairs to get some sleep. The thing that disturbed me was the shouting of "Shake it David shake it". Family

#5200

The missus is dragging me to see the in-laws tomorrow. A special forces rescue team would be appreciated...though preferably not an American one Family

#5201

The wife got dressed up for trick or treating last night, she looked better than she has for a long time. Family

#5202

"My wife's been by my side for ages, but she's said she's had enough and is leaving. Can't blame her, the queue at the clap clinic just wasn't moving." Family

#5203

"The wife asked me the other day what the one thing I would change about her would be. Apparently bartering for more than one was not a good idea." Family

#5204

"I was looking forward to my birthday. My Dad said he had got me a train set. I opened it up and the box was empty. "Dad I thought you said that you had got me a train set?" "There's a train strike." Family

#5205

"My wife told me to buy some perfume to describe what I would like to do most to her. She wasn't happy when she opened her bottle of "poison" Family

#5206

"It's our little secret" he said, as Daddy kissed me on the cheek. I felt dirty, I didn't know what to do, should I tell mummy or keep it to myself? I had been betrayed by my own father. I can't believe he'd been shopping in Aldi." Family

#5207

"People think I'm weird because I only buried the right half of my dead daughter, but I just wanted to keep everything I had left of her." Family

#5208

Long ago my wife and I made a decision to be happy. But then we had kids anyway. Family

#5209

"My wife is an awful lot like my alarm clock, when I hit her, she stops making noise." Family

#5210

"My nan doesn't like it when I kick the back of her chair really hard. She goes off her rocker." Family

#5211

"My Dad just told me that before he met my mother he was something of a ladies man. He said he used to chase skirts all over the world. I bet he got a shock when he visited Scotland!!!" Family

#5212

"I always used to be much better at FIFA than my son and beat him every day. Now he's improved immensely, and we're more equal when we play. I still beat him every day though. It's just that the beatings are much more severe if he dares win at FIFA." Family

#5213

My eleven month old just took her first steps... towards the foster home if she touch's my PlayStation again Family

#5214

"I told my mate that he was easily amused. But he just cracked up and shat himself." Family

#5215

My mum asked me to stay downstairs and keep an eye out for a parcel being delivered. I said, "No way! I'm busy playing upstairs!" She told me to bring whatever I was playing with downstairs. She didn't know what to make of it when I returned with my sister. Family

#5216

My dad's tall and my mum's small, I am medium. My dad's black and my mum's white, I'm half caste. My dad's muscle and my mum's skinny, I am average. My dad's male and my mum's female, I'm now very worried. Family

#5217

"Since I lost my job me and Granddad have been spending more and more time with each other, were getting on so well he's leaving me all of his inheritance. "Granddad, you shouldn't have" I said, "Now then, the thing you need to remember about Base Jumping is I've packed your ruck sack with a parachute, just pull it open when your about 20' from the ground. Ok then off you pop and no more silly talk about the railway museum...." Family

#5218

"My wife reminded me this morning that her mother was coming to stay this week. "I want you to make an effort, and make her feel at home," she said. So I'm leaving her a pillow and a duvet in the kennel." Family

#5219

I walked into the kitchen last night to see my dad cooking tea, I stood and started crying my eyes out, I thought my mum had walked out on us Family

#5220

I went to visit my mother earlier, that's me bang up to date with who's terminally ill. Family

#5221

"Just found out I was conceived via 'Artificial inlemonation'. I'm not bitter though." Family

#5222

Timeline, putting your life in order, because you are incapable of doing it yourself. Family

#5223

"I had a dream in which my wife was involved in a car accident and tragically killed... i woke up in tears that morning... ...because I realized she wasn't actually dead." Family

#5224

"My daughter's headmaster keeps telling me what a naughty girl she is. Personally, I'm the luckiest man on Sickipedia." Family

#5225

"LATEST NEWS IN: Wayne Rooney scores in Africa. Last seen leaving the Nelson Mandela nursing home in Sun City." Family

#5226

You know it is time to put your Dad in a care home when you need a guardrail at the top of the stairs every night. Family

#5227

"I always remember my first words as a child, "dad" and "STOP" Family

#5228

After watching Who Do You Think You Are I decided to trace my ancestors. I was able to trace my roots all the way back to my father. Family

#5229

"My wife and I've just celebrated our Golden Wedding Anniversary. In all that time we've only ever had one argument. It started about 50 years ago." Family

#5230

"I was complaining to my mate the other day, who's a Doctor, about a persistent whining sound in my head. He suggested a divorce!" Family

#5231

"My son is a terrible dresser. Does a great bureau though, seriously, doesn't move an inch when you compose a letter on him." Family

#5232

"It looks like my daughter takes after my wife. Recently her weight has nearly doubled. I mean, only a few months ago, she was seven pounds four ounces." Family

#5233

"All the bad weather means a walk in the woods with the wife and kids is out of the question, so I've decided to take them to the Museum of Transport in our town. It should be fairly easy to lose them there." Family

#5234

"My wife's just left me because she was fed up of my constantly optimistic approach to life. She'll be back though, i just know it, and we'll be together forever and never be unhappy." Family

#5235

"'Happy Birthday Google!' My Dad screamed down the phone. I hung up and instantly burst in to tears... I wish he could get my birthday right one year!" Family

#5236

Money can't buy you happiness. But it can buy you divorces. Good enough right? Family

#5237

"After months of killing myself in the gym I emailed a photo of my new body to my girlfriend's iPhone. She replied stating she was unable to view it. Turns out the definition wasn't high enough." Family

#5238

"My mother in law drowned yesterday Apparently she isn't a Witch after all." Family

#5239

"We have some good news and bad news Mr. Hughes. The good news is you get to spend more time with your Family this Christmas!" Family

#5240

Every Xmas the Family likes to play charades. Our Nan tries to be as accurate as possible meaning her basic instinct is not such a highlight. Family

#5241

This is England'86 aka this is Burnley. Family

#5242

My wife is that lazy she's been pregnant for 18 months. Family

#5243

"They say nothing compares to a mothers love. I remember her fondly saying "don't come running to me if you break your leg" and "Don't come crying to me when your father makes you suck him off". Makes me feel sorry for anyone from an unloved Family that must have been horrible." Family

#5244

"When I was a child, we were very poor, so I never had any toys to play with. In fact all I had to play with was a transistor.. Well, my brother in my mum's clothes." Family

#5245

"Quasimodo was dancing in a nightclub with this really fit bird when suddenly she noticed a big bulge in his pocket. "Quasi! You naughty boy! What's that bulge in your pocket?" The girl purred "Oh!" Said quasi "it's a picture of my dad" Family

#5246

"The mother-in-law moaned all the way on the journey from Dublin to Kerry. She's was even moaning when I was taking her down off the roof rack." Family

#5247

"My wife was in the bathroom the other day and shouted, "Ewwww there's a spider!" I thought to myself, "Has it really been that long?" Family

#5248

Son: daddy I can't stop walking around in circles. Dad: shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor. Family

#5249

"The banks are like Family. Always there for you, but if you need money They don't know who you are." Family

#5250

"I saw my daughter about to go out. She was wearing little more than a training bra and a miniskirt, so I said to her, "Louise, I can't let you go out dressed like that." "Why not?" she asked. Knowing that she could be very naive, it was hard for me to say anything but, "I don't like what you're wearing." "Dad?" "Just trust me, I don't." "What's wrong with it?" "There's something about what you're wearing that really rubs me the wrong way..." Family

#5251

"I and my girlfriend were discussing the things we have in common the other day, it turns out there quite a lot. The same colour eyes we like the same genre of music we went to the same school we even found out we have the same dad..." Family

#5252

"Your sister couldn't wrestle to save her life, but we have all seen her box." Family

#5253

My mum and dad were always playing practical Jokes on me when I was a kid. I can remember coming home from school once and they had moved house. Family

#5254

"I'm a real Family man I'm loyal to all eight of my families." Family

#5255

It's inappropriate to tell parents how to raise their kids, unless they are Austrians. Family

#5256

I told my Family about this website...now none of them are speaking to me. Family

#5257

"My daughter barely speaks to me and I love it. She looks great naked." Family

#5258

I found out the other day that my Dad was an undercover journalist. That was news to me... Family

#5259

"Apart from the police, what's the only thing a black man will run away from RESPONSIBILITY" Family

#5260

My wife just got a call from the bank saying her account is being used suspiciously. Apparently no transactions have taken place within the last ten minutes. Family

#5261

"Great. The wife's just told me she's invited her mother round this weekend. I know what that means, no footy or beers then. I'll just have to go to the pub and kill 2 birds with one stone. But that can wait till I get back from the pub." Family

#5262

I prefer Friends to My Family...so that's why I got kicked out of the house. Family

#5263

"I remember I once went to see my Nan as a little boy. The trainers with the lights in the heel were cool, but the SpongeBob dungarees didn't suit her." Family

#5264

"My wife and kids said they wanted to experience the thrill of living in a caravan for the week. So I've locked them all in the gas cupboard while I enjoy the house to myself." Family

#5265

To most men getting married means spending the rest of their life with the one the love, to me it's just like getting your own personal chef. Family

#5266

"''Mum can I wear my mini skirt? ''no.'' ''what about my make up?'' ''no.'' ''but I'm 17?!'' ''I know John.''" Family

#5267

"Mothers are always saying, how they hate their children growing up so fast and losing their innocence. Why don't they adopt a Down syndrome? They stay at the mental age of a 5 years old all their life. :-)" Family

#5268

"My Sister works for the Electric board. Do you want to meter." Family

#5269

"I came over a bit strange at work today, felt so disoriented I nearly fell off my ladder. The mother in law must have had a dizzy spell." Family

#5270

Today, I changed my name in my mum's phone to "God." I texted her saying your son deserves a nice car, money and a new phone. Look on her face was brilliant Family

#5271

"My wife just threw lemonade all over me. She's so spiteful." Family

#5272

You know your dad's cheap when he tells you to photocopy a stamp.... Family

#5273

Is was getting tea-bagged by my wife the other day. Then I thought to myself, wait a minute..... Family

#5274

"What happened to the split condom? Look in the mirror." Family

#5275

"I'm not ready for parenthood. I don't do hats." Family

#5276

"It was graduation day and my wife wanted to take a picture of my son with me in his cap and gown.' Stand beside your father and put your arm round his shoulder, ' said my wife, ' I want the picture to look natural. ''If you want the picture to look natural, tell him to put his hand in my pocket, ' I replied." Family

#5277

"I saw my dad smiling and I asked "What are you thinking about?" He replied "Oh I'm just remembering the good old days" "Your childhood?" "Before you were born" Family

#5278

"Mother: "Charlie can I ask you what a word means?" Me: "Go on then" Mum: "Actually I might look it up online, it could be a bit rude" Me: "What is it?" Mum: "Vajazzle" Me: "Ah yes that is rude" Mum: "So it's not the trumpet thing they had in the world cup?" That rounded my year off quite well." Family

#5279

"My wife said to me I wish you'd play with me like you do those video games. So I shot her in the face with an AK-47." Family

#5280

"As it nears father's day I thought I'd get my dad a football shirt, now to untie it from the lamppost" Family

#5281

"My wife left me, telling me I'll never see our kids again. Finally after 5 years we agree on something." Family

#5282

"Tip for the kids - When your mum is angry with your dad, don't let her brush your hair!" Family

#5283

"I hate going to see Grandma cos she always slips me the tongue when I give her a kiss. On the plus side though she swallows like a goodun." Family

#5284

I'm a big believer in fire safety and often check the smoke alarms in our house. By getting my wife to do the cooking. Family

#5285

"I tried to be Friends with Benefits with myself. It turns out I wanted more, but I didn't." Family

#5286

"Statement: Your son doesn't really take after your side, a bit from his mother's... Real Meaning: He looks like the milkman." Family

#5287

"My mom lost her credit card today, she accused everyone of taking it and got everyone really stressed, and a Family friend asked her, after an hour of looking, if it was in her bra. Long behold she pulled it out and we all laughed at her. We never found that Card." Family

#5288

"I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead." Family

#5289

"Want to know why my kids are so beautiful? It's because they look like their father. If anyone knows him could you tell him to pick up his kids? It's been 14 years!" Family

#5290

"As a young boy, fast, jerking hand movements have helped improve my life a lot. For example the time I deflected the sauce pan thrown at me by my father." Family

#5291

"When out shopping one day my wife exclaimed 'Home base really is my home away from home!' They do some nice kitchens after all." Family

#5292

When my dog does something wrong in the house I rub his face in it... I use the same system for my girlfriend. That's the last time she forgets to clean the oven... Family

#5293

"My son was misbehaving in a shop the other day when I and the wife took him shopping, so I slapped him hard across the back of the legs and told him he had been very naughty. The wife said "You shouldn't do that you know." "Why not?" I replied, "He's my son." "Because he's 24." Family

#5294

My spouse absconded from me as a result of my impulsion to utilize a synonym reference book upon the entirety of my colloquy Family

#5295

"My wife told me to lighten up the other day. "You're always so stiff and formal." I can tell you the defecation certainly encountered the rotary oscillator." Family

#5296

"When I was a kid, I was looking inside my dad's closet and I was shocked to find out that he secretly stashed pantyhose in a special drawer. And even though it took him a while, eventually he was able convince me that he only uses it when he robs banks and breaks into apartments." Family

#5297

Just watching 'children in need 'or visiting my kids who live with my ex as it's supposed to be called. Family

#5298

"Wife asked me why the PC volume is always at zero when she switches it on in a morning. "Windows default love," I said. Quite convincingly." Family

#5299

"When the kids left after coming over to wish me a happy Father's Day, I said to the wife that this had been the best Father's Day yet. "I'm so happy for you" "she said. "It only cost me 200 quid this year" "I told her." Family

#5300

"Had a great day at the beach with all the Family. The kids buried their mother in the sand, we all had ice cream and rides on the donkeys and, at the end of the day we packed up and walked back to the car. That's when my daughter said "What about mum?" I said "It's ok, we'll come back next weekend and see if we can find her." Family

#5301

"Losing one parent is unlucky. Losing the other is just careless." Family

#5302

"When I found out that my girlfriend was pregnant, I realized something was hideously wrong. Mum told me she'd hit the menopause." Family

#5303

"Darling I said you remind me of a swan. My wife replied, because of my beauty and grace? No love because you're a bit of a fat bird." Family

#5304

Had a lovely Mother's Day, took the old dear out for lunch, nipped to the seaside for an hour and stopped off for a cheeky sherry on the way home. Anyway, sun's going down now so time to get her back in the ground! Family

#5305

"I have stopped going to watch Stockport County football club!!!! Well they don't come and see me when I'm bad.............." Family

#5306

"Every time I walk in front of the TV when Jeremy Kyle is on, my wife tells me to get out of the way or she'll kick me in the nuts. I just ignore it as I don't pay any attention to idle threats." Family

#5307

"I said, "I've bought some of that white plastic garden furniture" My mate said, "Bad idea mate. I've heard of loads of people getting seriously injured when the chairs break" I said, "I know ... the mother-in-law is coming over for a barbecue this weekend" Family

#5308

A blank screen a day keeps your mother away. Family

#5309

"I was going to go on strike today, no recognition after years of hard work, the financial hardship and years of misery after retirement. I suppose it's my own fault though for getting Married" Family

#5310

"Mum: So, have you learned your lesson! Me: Yes, so don't spend the next hour reiterating it please." Family

#5311

"Sunshine came softly through my... Window today" Luckily I was out. My whole Family got vaporized." Family

#5312

"I was explaining to my son that some children could take their parents to court and some couldn't. After I told him he was one of the ones that couldn't, he asked, "why not daddy?" "Because, I'll break your legs if you even try." "I said." Family

#5313

"My wife just gave birth to our first son after an arduous 23 hour labour. Glad I wasn't paying her by the hour." Family

#5314

It annoys me how farmers always have to put their gates in the muddiest part of the field. Farming

#5315

"A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The farmer said, "Holy smoke lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." Farming

#5316

"As a shepherd, I hear lots of Jokes about sheep. I used to tell them to my dog but he'd always herd them." Farming

#5317

"How do farmers make crop circles? With a protractor." Farming

#5318

Farming: Gardening for people with far too much land Farming

#5319

My uncle is a farmer, a few months ago he was harvesting his crops. He was driving his combine harvester through his field when he accidentally ran over a drunken scatter asleep on the floor. There was blood, sovereign rings, Kappa tracksuit and Burberry all over the place. It took him ages to sort the wheat from the chat. Farming

#5320

"What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? ''Where's my tractor?''" Farming

#532

"I'm struggling to find the best way to get my baby goats clean and ready for the village fete tomorrow. Does anyone know of any good Internet sites where I can get tips on grooming kids?" Farming

#5322

Statistically 1/2 people enjoy marriage. Farming

#5323

I think the farmer next door is on drugs but getting evidence is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Farming

#5324

"The farmer next to me made a huge wooden crossing for his field but couldn't remember where he'd put it. He lost it, big stile." Farming

#5325

The vet said to the Irish dairy farmer "I'm sorry, it's bad news. All your cows have Blue Tongue. The farmer replies "Bejaysus....I didn't even know they had mobiles!" Farming

#5326

I'm the kind of guy that likes to tease his house plants by watering them with ice cubes. Farming

#5327

"What do you call a guy who used to like tractors? An Extractor fan." Farming

#5328

"In a countryside field a sign reads.... "The Farmer allows walkers to cross this field for free, but the bull charges" Farming

#5329

"BBC NEWS - Man in farm murder inquiry bailed. As much as I like to see the punishment fitting the crime scenario I'm not sure what throwing blocks of hay at him will achieve." Farming

#5330

"I couldn't get my tractor back home from work today. I drove into a magnetic field." Farming

#5331

"I finally decided to get rid of all the people that constantly send me Farmville requests on Facebook. My wife was fuming when I blocked all 6 of her accounts." Farming

#5332

"Why don't sheep use tampons? They're worried about toxic flock syndrome" Farming

#5333

"I'm not trying to impress you but, I own a tractor." Farming

#5334

"What's soft and slippery? A slipper." Fashion

#5335

"I bought a new necklace earlier that made my skin go a funny blue colour so I suspected it was a rip off. Turns out it was a 24ct gold bracelet." Fashion

#5336

"When David Beckham scored for England, all the kids wanted Beckham haircuts. Sorry, Lescott, but I can't see this catching on." Fashion

#5337

Newcastle United's new away strip looks just like a deck chair. Ironically, there will be thousands of them at Black pool next season. Fashion

#5338

"Standing in line behind an American woman at McDonald's. She's wearing those jeans, you know the ones with the patch on the back pocket that says " Guess". I'm thinking 450, maybe 500 pounds." Fashion

#5339

"I asked the missus this morning what size she is, as I was buying her Christmas presents She told me she was a size 10. The trouble I had getting shoes in her size!" Fashion

#5340

Brentano customers. Throw your purchases away and wear the boxes instead. They'll be harder-wearing, more stylish and better fitting. Fashion

#5341

"I've booked an appointment with my tailor to shorten the length of my trousers. I hope he turns up." Fashion

#5342

"French connection UK. Offending dyslexics since 2001" Fashion

#5343

"Cesc Fabregas has secured a new sponsorship deal since his move to Barcelona A 5 year deal with bench." Fashion

#5344

"I've recently developed a belief in Feng Shui. The Jeremy Kyle show was on and I turned the TV to face the wall and felt a lot happier." Fashion

#5345

"How do you know a woman is wearing tights? Her knees swell up when she farts." Fashion

#5346

There is a thin line between looking indie and looking Homeless. Fashion

#5347

"I recently went to a funeral in Liverpool, people were outraged when I turned up in my best tracksuit... They'd all came in casual ones." Fashion

#5348

"I went to the police station in a top hat, bow tie and flippers. They said I should 'make a statement'." Fashion

#5349

"Why do women feel the need to wear expensive designer clothes in the hope of impressing men? No straight guy in the History of the world has ever turned to his mates and said, 'check out the Gucci on that girl'." Fashion

#5350

"Just pushed a hipster down the stairs. I suppose you can say he's a tumblr." Fashion

#5351

I went to an Asthma Awareness Fashion show last week. I was shocked. Even the fat chicks were breathtaking. Fashion

#5352

"I killed a man with a beard today. Looking back, it was a poor weapon choice." Fashion

#5353

"I was arguing with my neighbours Mohammed's wife about how wrong the burka is and how ridiculous it looks. I don't see her point though, I love wearing it!" Fashion

#5354

Modelling: A career for those born without talent. Fashion

#5355

I just noticed that my boxers have a label on them that says "part of a set" ... I am a little upset that I didn't get the matching bra ... Fashion

#5356

"I saw a guy getting mugged today. I was going to help him, but then I saw he was wearing chinos." Fashion

#5357

"You know these Fashions with skinny jeans. I can't get into them." Fashion

#5358

"My parents were dog stylists before they started traveling the world preaching the word of God. As a child, it was always difficult explaining to people that my folks were into doggie style BEFORE the missionary position." Fashion

#5359

"The wife asked how I liked her new dress " looked better with the potatoes in " wasn't what she wanted to hear. Back on the sofa tonight" Fashion

#5360

"I was shopping in Primark today when I thought; "Wait a minute, I have money" Fashion

#5361

"I was reading through a Fashion magazine and one of the pages said, "winter's coming up, find out what's hot this season!" I thought, "Radiators." Fashion

#5362

"I went to go buy some camouflage trousers today... but I couldn't find any." Fashion

#5363

"I would never go to Burton for my clothes. It's too far away, I live in Scotland." Fashion

#5364

"According to news reports, undertakers took Alexander McQueen's body out of his flat on a stretcher, covered in a maroon blanket. A maroon blanket? I wouldn't see dead in a maroon blanket, would be complete Fashion suicide." Fashion

#5365

Strange, Ugly Betty is the only programme that looks worse in HD Fashion

#5366

"Have you heard about the newest Fashion trend? Men wearing Ugg boots. Apparently they're called Muggs." Fashion

#5367

"Top man website: Ways to wear Chinos. I've got a hunch that "On your legs" is going to be up there." Fashion

#5368

"My wife roped me into a fancy dress party then started to nag me about possible costumes and whether we dress up as a pair. "Listen." I said, exasperated, "You don't need a costume. I'll dress up as Crockett and we can go together as Miami Vice." Fashion

#5369

Flares are being thrown outside Top Shop in Oxford Street. Didn't know they still stocked them. Fashion

#5370

"Just bought a coat with elbow patches, I didn't even know they were legal tender." Fashion

#5371

"Returning stolen goods" is the new black. Fashion

#5372

Stroke my coat. You've pulled a cat. Fashion

#5373

"I wasn't very happy with the clothes order that came through the mail today. They were a bit small and didn't really fit, but I think I'll still keep them. They were for next door anyway." Fashion

#5374

"Just saw a Facebook group called 'boys buy hoodies to have them stolen by girls.' No they don't. Boys buy hoodies to stand on street corners and knife people, remember David Cameron?" Fashion

#5375

"A mate of mine walked into the pub with a fish on his head. The fish was positioned quite high on his head with its broad tail hanging down the back of his neck like a curtain. "Evening Dave!" I said, "Nice mullet." Fashion

#5376

"My favourite way to dress is in all black. My Fashion sense is second to nun." Fashion

#5377

"We were about to leave for high street and my girlfriend asked...."looks like summer is here. What should I wear to look smart?"..... "Face mask" wasn't the answer she was looking for" Fashion

#5378

"What do you call a man wearing three raincoats? Max." Fashion

#5379

"Apparently it's good to be seen in expensive clothes. But when I went out, everyone just laughed at the price tag dangling from my collar." Fashion

#5380

"I bought a Tee-shirt with a big sad face on the front. I'm hoping that when I stop wearing it, it'll hang itself" Fashion

#5381

"On a fishing trip to Australia, I was terrified when the biggest croc I'd ever seen came floating past the boat. Must have been a size 16 at least." Fashion

#5382

"I used to wear Carbrini clothing........ Then I got a job." Fashion

#5383

"I always get really frustrated trying to put clothes in my wardrobe. Think I could do with some Hanger Management." Fashion

#5384

"I don't understand my local Tattoo parlor's new promotional sign - 'Ear Piercing While You Wait'. To be fair, I'd rather just nip off to HMV while they get on with it." Fashion

#5385

"BBC news: In the trial of Stephen Lawrence the jury were shown the clothes he was wearing on the fateful. A bright blue cardigan, a red polo shirt and a pair of lime green corduroy trousers. He may have been killed by the Fashion police." Fashion

#5386

Don't blame peer pressure, it makes fat mongs eat less and wear makeup Fashion

#5387

"I'm not happy with this new Origami clothing. It always looks creased no matter how carefully I fold it." Fashion

#5388

"Men in Uggs..... Muggs!" Fashion

#5389

"Following his performance at the Masters golf today, Ian Pouter said he needs to shoot a round in the 60's if he's to have any chance to winning tomorrow. Looking at your dress sense Ian, I think you're already there." Fashion

#5390

I buy all my genes from Primark. So I too, can be a hard-working young Asian. Fashion

#5391

I'm so un-hip, I can't even get into a club foot. Fashion

#5392

"What do Dreadlocks and children have in common? If you play around with them too much they get messed up." Fashion

#5393

"So, there's been a lot of controversy surrounding clothing chains promoting the latest in pre-teen underwear Fashion lately. That's why it's gonna take a pretty brave company to help market my latest super-tight swimming trunks aimed at 10-year-old boys. I'll call them "Peedos"." Fashion

#5394

"I just bought a new suit and went into the bedroom to see what the wife thought of it She said " it's very nice.... Give us a twirl" I said " Why are you always thinking about chocolate you fat cow, we've just had our dinner!" Fashion

#5395

"Fashion designer John Galliano was devastated to be sacked from Christian Dior. He is said to be much happier today after getting a new job making fancy dress outfits for Prince Harry and a range of new clothing for Mel Gibson" Fashion

#5396

If being a size double 0 is Fashionable, then why don't we see starving Ethiopians on the catwalk? Fashion

#5397

"I went out with some chaps from work last night. I suppose I could have worn normal trousers instead." Fashion

#5398

"I keep seeing these girls with I<3 PB on their bags. What idiots! Tungsten is way better!" Fashion

#5399

"I've created a perfume out of potatoes. It's got a crisp scent." Fashion

#5400

"There's a new trend at school. The girls are coming in with designer bags such as D+G, Valentino, Prada and Gucci. But when I walk in with my "net to" bag I get laughed at." Fashion

#5401

"NEWS: Fashion icon dead... Oh no, Timmy Mallet hasn't croaked it has he?" Fashion

#5402

To get the creases out of your clothes, you've got to strike while the iron's hot. Fashion

#5403

It has just occurred to me the obvious similarities between Kary Price and Frankenstein's monster. Both are unnatural attempts at beauty that went horribly wrong, and are now left to wonder aimlessly with a below average intelligence and hated by everyone. Fashion

#5404

"I was never the same man again after my best friend died. He left me all of his fancy-dress costumes in his will." Fashion

#5405

Today my Fashion statement is, "I missed a spot shaving." Fashion

#5406

"Skinny Jeans. For guys who took "I got in her pants" the wrong way." Fashion

#5407

"The Daily mail have described Alexander McQueen as 'the most influential designer of his generation' Here's hoping this influence continues and Sarah Jessica Parker, Victoria Beckham and Elton John all follow his lead?" Fashion

#5408

Bald people face discrimination. One guy told me he "can't help my kind," and asked me to leave his shop! He was an awful barber anyway. Fashion

#5409

"I thought I saw a mobile circus today. Turns out it was just a fat bird in a maxi dress." Fashion

#5410

A Kappa tracksuit. The closest you'll ever get, to two naked women. Fashion

#5411

"Going to McDonald's for a salad? That makes about as much sense as going to a crack-house for vitamins." Food and Drink

#5412

I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date." Food and Drink

#5413

"I walked into a pub and said to the barman, "Stella please mate." He said, "Are you 18?" I said, "No." He said, "I can't serve you then." As I walked out I thought to myself, "This is the fourth pub - what does a 22 year old have to do to get a pint round here?" Food and Drink

#5414

"NEWS FLASH: Unofficial reports that Pop is dead! The world's thoughts are with Snap and Crackle at this tough time." Food and Drink

#5415

"I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere. Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through." Food and Drink

#5416

"I don't think I could ever fist someone. I'm pretty sure my hand would instinctively grope around for a Pringle while it was in there." Food and Drink

#5417

All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon. Food and Drink

#5418

Having just seen half the staff, I now understand why they call it Curry's. Food and Drink

#5419

"I had a stroke of luck on the stock exchange yesterday. I managed to swap three Oxo cubes for a jar of Bovril." Food and Drink

#5420

"A man walks into a shop and ponders over the confectionery at the counter. He says, "I'll have a Twirl and a Boost, please." The shopkeeper gaily spins round, points and says, "Honey, you look fabulous today!" Food and Drink

#5421

"My girlfriend prepared a fried breakfast for me this morning. I could tell she'd never made cornflakes before." Food and Drink

#5422

The person who coined the well-known phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese' obviously hadn't tasted Somerfield's own brand cheddar. Food and Drink

#5423

"Dilemma: Do I wash dishes or do I attempt to eat Cornflakes from a cup with a knife?" Food and Drink

#5424

"As I sat down to eat my dinner today that UNICEF ad came on the TV. Apparently there are 7 million children ill, starving or dying. I looked down at my plate of Steak, chips, mushrooms and fried onions, I felt a sickness in my stomach... I can't stand onions!" Food and Drink

#5425

"I am a teacher and I took a child's Innocence today. That'll teach him to drink smoothies in my lessons." Food and Drink

#5426

I had to ring up the Walkers customer care line earlier as there was a crisp in my pack of ready salted air. Food and Drink

#5427

I thought I was going to drown the other day. Fortunately I had a couple of bags of Walkers crisps which helped me float. Food and Drink

#5428

"Whenever I eat out at McDonald's, I like to have a Happy Meal... So I leave the wife and kids at home." Food and Drink

#5429

"I got kicked out of the cinema last night for bringing my own food in with me. I was gutted. Its ages since I've had a barbecue." Food and Drink

#5430

"Many people are worrying about the effects of genetically modified crops. "There is no proof of any adverse effects", said one Carrot." Food and Drink

#5431

"How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket." Food and Drink

#5432

"Today, I walked into a restaurant. "Hi, is my table ready?" "No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay." "Great, take these to table six then." Food and Drink

#5433

"For thousands of years, human beings have milked cows and consumed the milk. It just makes you wonder: who actually discovered that cows could be milked and what was he TRYING to do?" Food and Drink

#5434

"Anybody else gonna eat cat food for dinner? I Know Iams." Food and Drink

#5435

"Why is Guinness a racist pint? Because the white always rises to the top." Food and Drink

#5436

"I ordered a Whopper in Burger King the other day and offered a pound for it. "No," said the girl, "it's 3.88!" We argued for a few minutes before she gave in. "Fine!" she said. "Have it your way!" Food and Drink

#5437

Dear Kings mill confessions, my favourite bread is Warburton's. Food and Drink

#5438

"A man walks into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm. "Do you sell fishcakes?" he asks. "Of course," says the fishmonger. "Oh good," says the man. "It's his birthday!" Food and Drink

#5439

"What did one Walkers crisp say to another Walkers crisp? Nothing, they were in two separate packets." Food and Drink

#5440

"I can't help but wonder how Bovril happened. At what point was anyone looking at tea and thinking "This isn't meaty enough."?" Food and Drink

#5441

I'm red all over. From my head tomatoes. Food and Drink

#5442

Warning: Women do not see the funny side if you cook them scrambled eggs in an attempt to cheer them up after they've had an abortion. Food and Drink

#5443

"They've just brought out non-alcoholic Cider... Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's Apple Juice!" Food and Drink

#5444

I am thinking of going on the next series of Dragons Den with a toaster actually big enough to take a full slice of bread. Food and Drink

#5445

"I was reading through the ingredients for a fruit salad I'm making today and it said: "Pineapples: five cubed." I'm not sure though, 125 will probably be too many." Food and Drink

#5446

Apparently, 50,000 died from driving last year and 10,000 died from drinking, Yet only 500 died from drink driving. Then again, only 2 people died from drink driving and juggling. I think that's my safest way home then. Food and Drink

#5447

To all the fat ladies out there, remember, stressed is desserts spelt backwards. Food and Drink

#5448

"I was eating a Granny Smith earlier. She didn't seem to know what was happening but at least she was grateful." Food and Drink

#5449

"I was at a party with some mates the other day and one of them said to me, "Is that the queue for the punch bowl over there?" So I went over to the queue to find out and was told that it was actually for the buffet and that the punch had all gone. So, as a result, there was no punch line." Food and Drink

#5450

"I ate twenty yoghurts in a row last night. I was mullered." Food and Drink

#5451

Some people cry when they cut onions. I try not to form an emotional bond. Food and Drink

#5452

"I've written a song about a tortilla. Well, it's more of a wrap." Food and Drink

#5453

Life is like a box of chocolates; my wife gets really annoyed when I try to finish hers. Food and Drink

#5454

"My friend was saying how he thinks Megan Fox is the hottest thing ever. He obviously hasn't bit straight into a fresh McDonald's apple pie." Food and Drink

#5455

"Did you know there's a McDonald's opposite the Vatican? It's disgusting having to look at that horrible place whilst trying to enjoy a Big Mac." Food and Drink

#5456

Carlsberg, I'm hearing a lot of "Ifs" but seeing very little in the way of actual progress. Food and Drink

#5457

We are so poor, my wife's having ordinary K for breakfast. Food and Drink

#5458

"I bought some dry roasted peanuts from Tesco. I looked at the packet and it said "Warning. Contains Nuts". Luckily, this prevented me from eating them and going into anaphylactic shock due to my severe nut allergy. My lactose intolerant friend wasn't so lucky, as the half pint of milk he bought from Tesco outrageously contained no such warning of its contents." Food and Drink

#5459

"I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough..." Food and Drink

#5460

"I had the Hiroshima Breakfast this morning. One giant mushroom and loads of burnt soldiers" Food and Drink

#5461

"A White Horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Here, mate, we've got a drink named after you!" The horse says, "What, Steve?" Food and Drink

#5462

"Smarties are launching special edition packs this summer to commemorate the 5th anniversary of the 7/7 train bombings. There's a 'black one' in every tube." Food and Drink

#5463

"I went to McDonald's yesterday and asked for a 'Taste of America'. I was shot." Food and Drink

#5464

"Every new McDonald's creates 40 jobs. 20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons." Food and Drink

#5465

"I have discover a great way to solve world hunger and world poverty in one simple step: Feed the poor to the hungry." Food and Drink

#5466

"Kinder Egg Surprise: "WARNING Toy Inside" Yeah, kind of ruined the surprise there..." Food and Drink

#5467

"I walked into McDonald's today and asked for a Chicken Legend. The cashier winked informatively and said "Did you know...that if you cut the head off a chicken...it'll keep running?" Food and Drink

#5468

"The wife served me my dinner last night. I've been cleaning mashed potato out the racket strings all morning." Food and Drink

#5469

"I was in the pub with the Mrs. last night and I said, ''I love you.'' She said, ''Is that you or the beer talking?'' I replied, ''It's me... talking to the beer!''" Food and Drink

#5470

Never trust a man who, when left in a room alone with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on. Food and Drink

#5471

"Took my wife to a posh French Restaurant last night. The waiter asked, "Have you ever tried frog?" I said, "I've had a Freddo." Food and Drink

#5472

"I went into KFC and asked for a combo. The guy behind the counter gave me two jabs and an uppercut." Food and Drink

#5473

"I rather like having a chicken omelet every now and then. It gives me a strange sort of pleasure knowing I'm eating two generations at the same time." Food and Drink

#5474

"Greggs advert - "All our food is made with love" I know an ice-cream man who went to jail for that." Food and Drink

#5475

"It might be the wine talking... But more likely it's Dave, the guy I have locked down in my wine cellar." Food and Drink

#5476

"Boiled eggs. Hard to beat aren't they?" Food and Drink

#5477

"The German football player Muller is not too good at shooting. He is better at corners." Food and Drink

#5478

"I was eating a packet of Walker's crisps the other day: Stephen Fry's Fry Up flavour. The first crisp tasted just like sausages, the second tasted exactly like eggs with tomato ketchup, but what did the third crisp taste of? Trick question: of course there was no third crisp." Food and Drink

#5479

"I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning 'Do not use if seal is broken'. As soon as I opened it, the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I was wondering, how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners have fallen for this evil scam?" Food and Drink

#5480

"My mate asked if I wanted to join his religious sect where they worship a probiotic drink. I said, "I'm not interested in Yakult." Food and Drink

#5481

"Yahoo News "Orange signs iPhone deal with Apple" That has to be the Healthiest headline ever." Food and Drink

#5482

"I've been advised to stop eating fish, on medical grounds. Apparently I'm putting off the others in the waiting room." Food and Drink

#5483

"When I got home from work today I asked the wife what she put on my sandwiches "Crab paste, dear," she replied. "Crab paste?" I replied. "Where did you get that from?" "The Chemist," she replied." Food and Drink

#5484

I love my job. Colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge - I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie. How cute! Food and Drink

#5485

Hamburgers - beef does all the work, pork gets all the credit. Food and Drink

#5486

"I work as an inspector on these street stalls that sell fruit and veg, and one guy was still selling his fruit in pounds and ounces. "You do realize you have to go metric now" I said. He nodded "Look I'll overlook it but you have to get these in kilos and grams by the next time I come round" He nodded again. I thought I was being reasonable don't you? And lo and behold by the time I'd come round again a month later, he still hadn't bothered to change which just proves it. You give them 2.54cm, they'll take 0.914m" Food and Drink

#5487

"I don't know what people like so much about Pot Noodles. They're too dry and crunchy." Food and Drink

#5488

"I just bought some large chips from McDonalds. That should be enough to de-ice my driveway." Food and Drink

#5489

Walkers are set to launch their Comic Relief range of crisps in Korea, where 'Jack Russell Howard' is expected to be the favourite. Food and Drink

#5490

"A man goes into a restaurant and asks, "Waiter, how do you prepare the chicken?" "It's nothing special," he replies. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die!" Food and Drink

#5491

"I started chatting to this plump girl in a bar. "Oh God," she moaned, "you smell gorgeous. What is it?" "Pies," I said." Food and Drink

#5492

"Following on from the discovery that it's possible to go faster than the speed of light, scientists today found a temperature lower than Absolute Zero. It was observed in a sausage roll from Greggs" Food and Drink

#5493

My mate finally finished writing his book about cooking with herbs. It's about thyme. Food and Drink

#5494

"I saw a bloke yesterday collecting horse muck, so I asked him what it was for. He said, "I'm putting it on my rhubarb." "That's odd", I replied, "I usually put custard on mine." Food and Drink

#5495

"I always go up to girl in a club and whisper in her ear... "I can touch the bottom of a Pringles can when erect." God bless snack size pots." Food and Drink

#5496

"Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth." Food and Drink

#5497

"I was just eating a packet of crisps and noticed a message on the back: 'NOT TO BE SOLD SEPARATELY' who in their right mind would want to buy just one crisp?" Food and Drink

#5498

"I rang my wife at work today and said, "Do you fancy going for a few drinks and something to eat after work?" "Yes," she said, "I would love to." I said, "Great, will you get a case of lager and three large pizzas, all the lads are coming round to play poker." Food and Drink

#5499

"I don't understand the huge fuss over Levi Roots' Reggae sauce. When I worked in McDonald's, I added my own "jerk seasoning" to the burgers for years." Food and Drink

#5500

"I have just had a bitter row with the missus. She thinks Tetley's is better than Boddingtons." Food and Drink

#5501

After Heinze's goal, Nigeria were always playing ketchup... Food and Drink

#5502

"I only had 4 pints last night and this morning I've got a terrible hangover. That's the last time I'm drinking whisky." Food and Drink

#5503

"Our dog gave birth today. It had a litter of eight puppies. My wife said they were so cute she could just eat them up. But was she grateful when I cooked one?!" Food and Drink

#5504

"What's white and can't climb trees? A Fridge." Food and Drink

#5505

"After accidentally eating a fly, in the vein of the nursery rhyme, I ate a spider, a bird, a cat, a dog, a goat, a cow and a horse. Or, as it's more commonly known, a kebab." Food and Drink

#5506

Boil a live lobster and you're a chef, boil a live kitten and suddenly it's a big deal. Food and Drink

#5507

"Give an Ethiopian a meal and you feed him for a day.... Give an Ethiopian an aircraft meal and you can feed him for the rest of his life." Food and Drink

#5508

"Tesco Self-Service Checkouts Making shoplifting 'a mistake' since 2008." Food and Drink

#5509

"My wife found a lump in her breast earlier. According to the KFC helpline it was probably just a breadcrumb." Food and Drink

#5510

"And what's the lady having?" asked the waiter, whilst my wife was in the toilet. "I don't know" I replied. "Probably a wee"." Food and Drink

#5511

"What do you get if you cross an egg and sperm? An omelet you probably shouldn't eat." Food and Drink

#5512

Whoever decided that a one inch mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment. Food and Drink

#5513

When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked. Food and Drink

#5514

"I saw a bloke today with a sign that said, "Will Work for Food." So I gave him a coconut." Food and Drink

#5515

"Hear about the new fast-food restaurant that has opened in Bradford? It's called Burka King." Food and Drink

#5516

"So Holly Willoughby has named her new baby Belle. Bit cheesy if you ask me." Food and Drink

#5517

"I sell drugs to fat people. It sounds better than, "I work at McDonald's." Food and Drink

#5518

"A lady at the supermarket asked me if I've ever drunk orange juice with pulp. I said, "No, but I once had coffee with The Bluestones." Food and Drink

#5519

"I used to love licking the whisk after Mum made cakes, so I let my kids do the same. Thinking back, I reckon when I was young, my parents must've unplugged it first." Food and Drink

#5520

"Shamefully, I have to admit, it only takes me one drink to get drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth." Food and Drink

#5521

"Told the wife to get her glad rags on tonight as I'm taking care of dinner, and I've promised her 'The Ritz' I've never seen anyone get so excited over a box of crackers before." Food and Drink

#5522

When it comes to breakfast, 3 bowls of porridge is the bear minimum. Food and Drink

#5523

"I walked home with a skip in my step today. Accidentally stood on a packet of crisps." Food and Drink

#5524

"I bought a frozen pizza from Asda the other day and it said on the box, "Cook for between 20 and 22 minutes." Now, I'm not a genius, but isn't that 21 minutes?" Food and Drink

#5525

"Once you go black, you never go back!" I shouted as I threw my 3 week old bananas in the bin..... Food and Drink

#5526

The McRib is vaguely shaped like a rack of ribs in the same way that people who eat it are vaguely shaped like people Food and Drink

#5527

I hear that spam is making a comeback which I'm really pleased about. I've been eating it every day of my life, cooked in a pan with a little bit of oil, but just lately I've started to wonder......am I frittering my life away? Food and Drink

#5528

"So Africans have to walk 15 miles every day just for a bucket of water. I always wondered how they managed to stay thin." Food and Drink

#5529

I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic. Food and Drink

#5530

So Ramadan's come round again. It must be a nightmare for all those Asians, resisting the temptation to eat all day, especially as they all work in McDonald's. Food and Drink

#5531

"I saw a sign in McDonald's saying, "There's more to working at McDonald's than flipping burgers." At first I was skeptical, but as I returned to my car I saw a man dressed in a jacket that proudly displayed the words, "Litter patrol". How wrong I was." Food and Drink

#5532

"In the budget a new tax was announced on hot food, which is defined as food that is significantly above room temperature. Thankfully this doesn't affect me as I always have a sausage roll from Greggs for lunch." Food and Drink

#5533

"The Doctor called me in to check out my digestive system, so I walked into his office with a cup of tea in my hand and told him, "You just dip it into the tea and take a bite, then repeat until they're all gone." Food and Drink

#5534

Do Korean restaurants serve "German Shepherd's Pie"? Food and Drink

#5535

"I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar. I guess there is Life on Mars." Food and Drink

#5536

"The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." Food and Drink

#5537

If ignorance is bliss, why are McDonald's staff never happy? Food and Drink

#5538

"At Pizza Express, you can now get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that a pizza?" Food and Drink

#5539

"My girlfriend bet me that I couldn't make a car out of vermicelli. You should've seen her face as I drove pasta." Food and Drink

#5540

KFC: Served in buckets, eaten by spades. Food and Drink

#5541

"American food giant buys Cadburys. This isn't in the financial news. Just an observation on a normal day for an American tourist." Food and Drink

#5542

Shouldn't a quarter pounder only be 25p? Food and Drink

#5543

"I never buy my food from Tesco. Instead, I choose to support smaller businesses. Like Tesco Express." Food and Drink

#5544

Whilst cooking I got some herbs in my eye. I am now parsley sighted. Food and Drink

#5545

"Funny how fruit imitates life. When a banana is bad, smelly and no use to anyone it turns black." Food and Drink

#5546

"What's worse than finding a hair in your food? Finding a dreadlock in your Reggae Reggae sauce." Food and Drink

#5547

"Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. And eyes and ears and mouth and nose. Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. A fun children's song, and also the ingredients of a Big Mac." Food and Drink

#5548

"Cheese has holes. The more cheese you have, the more holes you have. The more holes you have, the less cheese you have. Conclusion: The more cheese you have, the less cheese you have." Food and Drink

#5549

"NEVER mess with a layered dessert made of custard, fruit, sponge cake, fruit juice and whipped cream. It is not something to be trifled with." Food and Drink

#5550

"Why are some women like oysters? Because it usually takes a knife to get into them" Food and Drink

#5551

"I was going to post a Joke about cheddar and Edam... ...but it was two cheesy." Food and Drink

#5552

"Revels. A game of "Russian Roulette" if you've got a nut allergy." Food and Drink

#5553

"I met this girl in a club last night, I think she's a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips." Food and Drink

#5554

"Did you hear about the guy who drowned in a bowl of Muesli? He was dragged under by a strong current." Food and Drink

#5555

"Just seen a billboard poster proclaiming that Hovis has been voted "Britain's softest White". Now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that Ricky Hatton?" Food and Drink

#5556

"This tastes burnt!" I grimaced as I put my fork down in disgust. "That's not burnt, its caramelized." insisted my wife. "It's supposed to be a salad." Food and Drink

#5557

I'm just a social drinker. Every time someone says, "I'll have a drink", I say, "Social I." Food and Drink

#5558

My friends don't understand why I've given up boozing. I've told them it's because I want to feel more motivated. I mean, Hitler was teetotal and look at what he achieved. Food and Drink

#5559

"I bought a ''Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine'' to lose weight. I put on five stone. I blame the delicious gravy it makes." Food and Drink

#5560

"I now realize why it's not ideal to eat ice cream while using a laptop. I was talking to my sister online and she asked me why I was typing so slowly, so I replied, 'well my other hands busy; She hasn't replied yet." Food and Drink

#5561

"Welcome to the church of vegetables Lettuce pray." Food and Drink

#5562

"My best friend would have been competing in the Olympic Games but he tested positive for two types of steroids and a synthetic growth hormone. It's his own fault really, I did tell him to stop eating burgers from McDonald's." Food and Drink

#5563

Just looked at the label on a packet of ham i bought, it read '70% water'. Surely then its ham flavoured water. Food and Drink

#5564

"I've been drunk driving for years now and have never been pulled over. In fact cars tend to get out of my way. I love working in my ambulance." Food and Drink

#5565

"A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." Food and Drink

#5566

"As I opened the second bottle of brandy I started to think seriously about what I was doing to my liver. Then I realized I was frying it with onions." Food and Drink

#5567

"I asked my local butcher if his lamb was any good. He said I'd never get better. He was right. I've contracted amebic dysentery and life threatening toxoplasmosis." Food and Drink

#5568

Have you ever stopped to think who actually tries dog food to know it has a "newly improved flavour"? Food and Drink

#5569

"I got myself a recipe book for road kill. I tried one of the recipes and surprisingly it was quite delicious. It didn't explain what to do with his bike though." Food and Drink

#5570

"What's the difference between The Royal Family and my breakfast? My breakfast is full English." Food and Drink

#5571

"I don't understand how there can be a cereal called Shredded Wheat that is advertised on the box as being '100% whole wheat'. Surely either it's shredded or it's whole?" Food and Drink

#5572

"An Englishman walks into a McDonald's restaurant in New York. The spotty kid behind the counter says, "We serve breakfast at any time sir." To which the Englishman replies, "I'll have the French toast during the Renaissance then fatty." Food and Drink

#5573

"A policeman stopped me in the street for "Acting suspiciously". He sneered "What seems to be the rush, Sir?" I said "I've got to get home. I've got a bone on." He slapped me in handcuffs, read my rights and arrested me for indecent behaviour. I'm not going to sue, but when I got home from the station the next morning the saucepan was welded to the cooker and my chicken stock was ruined." Food and Drink

#5574

Beans, alphabet spaghetti for the blind. Food and Drink

#5575

"I can't believe how easy it is to offend black people. I mean, who DOESN'T love fried chicken and watermelon?" Food and Drink

#5576

"What's white and kills children? Chinese milk." Food and Drink

#5577

"Have it your way" is the Burger King Slogan, Apparently doggy style with the lady on checkout was the wrong interpretation of this." Food and Drink

#5578

"I tried one of those cereal bars this morning. What a rip off - they were charging 4.50 for a pint of Frostiest." Food and Drink

#5579

"I'm taking back this bag of M&M's I just bought as they appear to be faulty. Half of them are W's." Food and Drink

#5580

"I went to a McDonald's drive through this morning. I killed 6 and seriously injured a dozen. How was I supposed to know you're meant to drive around the restaurant and not through it?" Food and Drink

#5581

We had an African themed lunch at school today... so nothing at all. Food and Drink

#5582

This foil wrapped bread is a con. It says it lasts for seven days. I ate mine in two. Food and Drink

#5583

Death row prisoners.... Increase your life span by a few days by having your last meal delivered from Pizza Hut. Food and Drink

#5584

I went to Port-au Prince McDonald's the other day and ordered a large shake and look what happened! Food and Drink

#5585

"A cripple, an amputee and a burn victim walk into a bar. And I walk out laughing." Food and Drink

#5586

"I got a job at Cadbury's and was told I could eat as much chocolate as I wanted for free. Yes guys, I'm living the American dream." Food and Drink

#5587

The trouble with all day breakfast is you have to eat it so slowly. Food and Drink

#5588

"My girlfriend put her hair in a bun this morning. She's got some weird eating habits." Food and Drink

#5589

"Whole meal bread. I can't see this catching on. You need some meat and vegetables and stuff really." Food and Drink

#5590

If we're not supposed to have late night snacks. Why is there a light in the fridge? Food and Drink

#5591

"I tried to cook an octopus last night ... after eight hours I gave up ... It just kept on switching the gas off" Food and Drink

#5592

"Health experts say red meat is the worst for your Health. Surely not as bad as furry green meat." Food and Drink

#5593

"Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll hoover up all the cod stocks in the Atlantic and drive blue fin tuna to the edge of extinction." Food and Drink

#5594

"My Australian friend, learning about the Scottish culture, asked me for my idea of the perfect Scottish breakfast. "A bottle of whisky, a haggis and a collie dog" I replied "Why the collie?" "To eat the haggis..." Food and Drink

#5595

"In the supermarket earlier, a group of lads started throwing chocolate, biscuits and cakes at me. It was all very unsavoury." Food and Drink

#5596

"What do call a chip pan in Glasgow containing no chips? Soup." Food and Drink

#5597

"Apparently in Hong Kong it is customary after a meal to spit the bones out on the table. So, anyway, I'm there enjoying my Dog and chips, and after finishing this wonderful meal, spat the bones out. Only while looking at the bones did the thought occur to me:- That's a shame. The Dog would have loved them" Food and Drink

#5598

Lurpak 'Spreadable.' About as spreadable as nuns' legs! Food and Drink

#5599

"What is red and invisible? No Tomatoes" Food and Drink

#5600

Personally, I fail to see the 'fun' part of having 90 pringles in a tin. Food and Drink

#5601

"I bought Pringles 'cause the advert said it had 90 chips in the can. Liars! It was full of crisps! What a waste of gravy..." Food and Drink

#5602

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." Food and Drink

#5603

"I was having dinner in a restaurant when the waiter said, "Can I get your bill, sir?" I said, "Are you sure that you can afford it?" Food and Drink

#5604

"I know drink driving is wrong, but sometimes I've just got to do it. How else will the kids get to school?" Food and Drink

#5605

"How did you find your steak sir?" The waiter asked "Easy, I just lifted up a chip and there it was...................." Food and Drink

#5606

"I went into a cafe today and they were selling all day breakfasts. They looked great, but I couldn't spare that much time." Food and Drink

#5607

"I saw this episode of Ray Mears survival, where he spit-roasted a pig down the woods. Ah. That takes me back." Food and Drink

#5608

I was in Sunderland the other day and went to a quiet back street restaurant that served lovely sushi at a tenth of the price that they do in London. I asked them how they could afford to sell it so cheap and the manager said that prices would rise back to normal as soon as they could fix the deep fat fryer. Food and Drink

#5609

Old Milk? More like fresh Yogurt. Food and Drink

#5610

Meat eaters, cure your vegetarian friends by pledging to triple your own meat consumption for the duration of their abstinence. If they really love animals, they'll have no choice but to start eating burgers again. Food and Drink

#5611

The KFC Family bucket must be huge in Norwich. Food and Drink

#5612

My mates called me last night asking if I wanted to go over, have a few beers, play on the PS3 and smoke a few joints. Sounded like a good idea so I grabbed my keys, got a few joints ready then drove over there. We had a few beers then went out to his shed to smoke. After a while the smoke was thick, the place stank and we couldn't stop coughing so we called it a night. Was well worth the effort though, this ham is amazing. Food and Drink

#5613

"Delia Smith once said there is nothing worse than a soggy soufflé. As a diabetic throat cancer patient I wouldn't know, but it certainly sounds awful." Food and Drink

#5614

"Took my wife for a romantic dinner the other night. As we were tucking into it, 6 mentally handicapped people appeared from nowhere and started to sing various lines from well-known songs. I didn't have a clue what was going on, until i saw a notice at the bottom of the menu, saying ' all dishes accompanied by a medley of vegetables'" Food and Drink

#5615

"When we were first married my wife asked me how I liked my steak and I replied 'rare'. I think she misunderstood, that was eight years ago and she's only ever cooked steak twice since." Food and Drink

#5616

Never cook burgers naked... They'll take away your van. Food and Drink

#5617

"What do you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho cheese." Food and Drink

#5618

I'm on the Wonga diet. I've lost 50 pounds already. Food and Drink

#5619

"A good woman is like a good loaf of bread she should have a bouncy body, not taste too yeasty and preferably she should be white." Food and Drink

#5620

"Joe leaves his house at 3.50 am, with 17.60 in his pocket. He arrives at the all-night garage at 3.57 am, and buys the following; 8 Kit-Kats, at 40 pence each 2 tubes of Pringles, at 1.65 each

3 Pepperami Fire sticks, at 70 pence each 2 Litre bottles of Ginger Ale, at 1.19 each Now; before he left his house, how many joints did Joe smoke?" Food and Drink

#5621

I was at work today, and this really cute old man gave me a 2 tip for helping him pack his bags, telling me to "Buy myself a drink." I was genuinely touched by the gesture, and I was quite lost for words for a moment, before I finally came out with, "I drink Carling mate, that's 2:50, cough up." Food and Drink

#5622

"The wife trained the dog yesterday not to beg for food at the dinner table. She gave it some." Food and Drink

#5623

"I just saw a van drive by with the company name "Seafood Solutions" I have to admit, I didn't know that seafood was a problem." Food and Drink

#5624

"How do you know when you have no life? When you read the Jokes on the back of penguin bars and find them partially funny." Food and Drink

#5625

"Went to a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie that said "be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity " so I left without paying." Food and Drink

#5626

"My girlfriend is like a Happy Meal. Small, cheap and greasy." Food and Drink

#5627

"I thought I'd found a secret message in my cereal this morning. It said 'Ooooo' apparently they were cheerios." Food and Drink

#5628

"What do Americans fear more than the 9/11 bombings? Salad." Food and Drink

#5629

"My grandfather can cook a smashing curry, mind you he sees himself as an authority on curry due to where he was stationed in the war. Bradford." Food and Drink

#5630

"What do you call someone who's scared of KFC? A chicken." Food and Drink

#5631

"My wife put a gun to my head and said, ''Do you love me?'' ''Depends, what's for dinner?'' I said. ''There's a gun to your head and all you care about is dinner!'' she said angrily. ''Yes!'' I replied, ''With your cooking I might just want you to pull the trigger!''" Food and Drink

#5632

"I had a dream the other day. I was eating a biscuit. It was rectangular with rounded edges and coated with sugar. It was Nice." Food and Drink

#5633

"I bought a bed today that's made entirely out of rice. The mattress is okay but the pilaus are really uncomfortable." Food and Drink

#5634

I got myself a bargain bucket from the Colonel the other day, decided to eat it while travelling down the M4, I'm starting to regret throwing the bones out of the window though. Food and Drink

#5635

"I was in a trial for experimental flavours of crisps. Taste's A, B, C and D were horrible. But the next one I tried was tasty." Food and Drink

#5636

"McDonald's have brought out a new drug-filled burger. It's called the McJagger." Food and Drink

#5637

McDonald's has released a statement saying that there sponsorship of the London 2012 Olympics won't harm the integrity of the games, but lane 5 and 6 will be closed off due to a children's party. Food and Drink

#5638

I wonder if the first person to pop a can of Pringles has stopped yet... Food and Drink

#5639

"A mate told me a Joke about Pringle flavours. It wasn't original." Food and Drink

#5640

"I've just been laid off from the cake factory due to the credit crunch. Hundreds and Thousands are at risk!" Food and Drink

#5641

I'm making loads more money since I turned my bait shop into a sushi restaurant. Food and Drink

#5642

"I could do with a fizzy drink. I've been drinking lemonade for 5 days flat." Food and Drink

#5643

"I bought a packet of Asda own brand sausages the other day. On the side of the packet it said 'warning, may contain traces of meat.'" Food and Drink

#5644

"I've been preparing for this date for hours- dressing in my smartest clothes, combing my hair... I don't know why I've made it such a big deal really, It's just a fruit." Food and Drink

#5645

Alcopops and milk make a bowl full of sick. Food and Drink

#5646

Muesli: because you're that old you can't taste anything anyway. Food and Drink

#5647

My fruit flavoured dairy beverage attracts all the males to the garden and they exclaim that the fruit flavoured beverages I procure are far superior to ones they have sampled elsewhere, I would show you the method to make such a fruit flavoured beverage but unfortunately I would have to levy a fee in order to do so Food and Drink

#5648

You know what they say about men with big hands... They find it hard to eat pringles Food and Drink

#5649

"Went to a Norwegian restaurant I ate like a Norse" Food and Drink

#5650

"I love how we confuse foreigners by calling so many of our foods puddings. Yorkshire pudding, Christmas pudding, black pudding. They can't tell if they're biting into a delicious sweet dessert, or a lump of congealed animal blood." Food and Drink

#5651

"Eating carrots make you see in the dark. Masturbating sends you blind. Do both and it's like you're always wearing night vision goggles." Food and Drink

#5652

I've decided to become a boat builder. I just put a kitten, egg whites and sugar into a blender. Going to make a cater meringue. Food and Drink

#5653

"I hit the drink again last night. It spilt everywhere, the wife was furious!" Food and Drink

#5654

If packaging manufacturers are trying to be environmentally friendly, then why is it that crisp packets are only ever half full? Food and Drink

#5655

"Alphabetic Spaghetti not geeky enough? Simply mix regular tinned Spaghetti and Hoops together for exciting Binary Spaghetti." Food and Drink

#5656

"Organ Doner: The worst Kebab I've ever had!" Food and Drink

#5657

Halumi - the only cheese that greets itself in the third person. Food and Drink

#5658

"I've just paid 200 for a skip. I thought to myself, that's an expensive crisp." Food and Drink

#5659

"I just finished my degree in Aerodynamics those chocolate bars take far more effort to make than people think." Food and Drink

#5660

I'd probably quit Oasis too if the slogan for my band was "for people who don't like water." Food and Drink

#5661

"I've always wondered... what was the best thing before sliced bread? Surely a bread knife?!?!?" Food and Drink

#5662

"Who Conquered America? McDonald's" Food and Drink

#5663

I was on my lunch yesterday when I suddenly thought, I have just squashed my sandwiches. Food and Drink

#5664

"My wife asked me what I thought about her breast reduction. "Why can't we just have normal gravy instead of this Hesston Blumenthal stuff?" Food and Drink

#5665

"What has no beginning, no end and nothing in the middle? A doughnut" Food and Drink

#5666

"I run a restaurant and I've been trying to get a company in to do a flavour audit. But apparently there's no accounting for taste." Food and Drink

#5667

"Fresh juicy strawberries that you stick in your ears. Thick creamy ice cream, dribbling down your chin. Freshly baked biscuits, in your hair and under your wheelchair. This isn't just food, this is M.S food." Food and Drink

#5668

"I bought a bag of those 'builder's breakfast' crisps today. It struck me that I could taste eggs, bacon and sausages, seeing as most builders these days eat Przepraszamdlaczego." Food and Drink

#5669

I've just realized that tofu is over-rated, it's just a curd to me. Food and Drink

#5670

"When I'm sad I like to cut myself... ...a nice slice of chocolate cake." Food and Drink

#5671

"Walker's crisps are really missing out on the chance for a great trick with their latest "What's the flavour?" commercials. If it was me, I'd have told that Muslim woman it was bacon flavour." Food and Drink

#5672

"I was walking through the local shopping centre when a guy from N-Power stopped me and asked where I get my energy from? I don't think "Lucozade" was the answer he was looking for!!" Food and Drink

#5673

"Hey Vegetarians! For every animal you don't eat, I'm going to eat three." Food and Drink

#5674

"Eddie Izzard makes the papers for completing 43 Marathons in 51 days. I've eaten a Kit-Kat every day for the last 4 years, but do I get any recognition?" Food and Drink

#5675

"McDonald's. Widening their customer base since 1955." Food and Drink

#5676

"I complained to the waiter, "Waiter! There's a fly in my soup." The waiter replied, "that could very well be, Sir, the cook used to be a tailor...." Food and Drink

#5677

Why it is okay to get your girlfriend make-up for her birthday, but Slim fast is a definite no-no? Food and Drink

#5678

Is Uncle Ben married to Aunt Bessie? Food and Drink

#5679

"The Government is to introduce compulsory microchips for all dogs in England. Morons. My Rover only likes Pedigree Chum." Food and Drink

#5680

I'm not fat, I'm just ready for the winter. Food and Drink

#5681

"My life sucks, everyone I know is either getting, a promotion, a pay rise or laid. I'm getting a coffee and it's not even for Me." Food and Drink

#5682

"Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses? No wonder they're delicious." Food and Drink

#5683

"I was driving down the motorway the other day and saw one of those 'Tiredness can kill, Take a break' signs. Steady on Kit Kat... what's with the public death threats?" Food and Drink

#5684

To me fish counters at supermarkets are just colder, sadder aquariums. Food and Drink

#5685

"I went to buy a 99 from the ice-cream van this afternoon, upon arrival I realized I was 30p short, so asked Mr. Whippy for a 69. It didn't taste of vanilla." Food and Drink

#5686

If a tomato is a fruit does that mean ketchup is a smoothie? Food and Drink

#5687

"I like co-operative onion rings, they come out of the packet if you ask them nicely." Food and Drink

#5688

"After a hearty meal I still had half a sandwich left on my plate, "Do you want a box for that?" the waitress asked. "No", I replied, "but I'll wrestle you for a cup of coffee." Food and Drink

#5689

I love Chinese food, their chips are great. Food and Drink

#5690

"My wife wasn't impressed when I skipped breakfast this morning. It was a string of sausages." Food and Drink

#5691

"I'm about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though." Food and Drink

#5692

"Cheese-milk's leap towards immortality." Food and Drink

#5693

I like to break the rules, I'm the sort of guy who snaps his Kit-Kat in half horizontally rather than vertically. Food and Drink

#5694

"I saw some woman breast feeding her baby in KFC today. She even give him a few pieces of the popcorn chicken from the mega bucket." Food and Drink

#5695

"I couldn't finish all my food so the waitress asked me, "Excuse me sir, do you wanna box for that?" "No, but I'll arm-wrestle you for it." I replied" Food and Drink

#5696

"I had a panic in the kitchen the other day: "We're getting very low on herbs and thyme is running out"." Food and Drink

#5697

"I just got back from a party at my friend Jamal's place. I felt a bit ill-at-ease being the only white guy there, but on the plus side the food was delicious, especially the fried chicken. Everyone at the party had a piece. As I found out to my dismay when they realized I'd eaten all the fried chicken." Food and Drink

#5698

I'm so conservative, when I go to KFC, I only order the right wings. Food and Drink

#5699

"Last night, my wife asked me to put the dinner on. I'm now recovering in a burns unit covered in lasagna." Food and Drink

#5700

"Cakes--------------99p. Upside down cakes---------66p" Food and Drink

#5701

"Carlsberg do make beers... Shame." Food and Drink

#5702

"I have just had the most amazing night. This American girl I met just couldn't wait to get her mouth around my sausage. She finished it off in one minute flat, then kept coming back for more! This went on for two hours! Mind you, I do work on a hotdog stand." Food and Drink

#5703

"London 2012 Olympic; promoting Healthy living by being sponsored by McDonald's, Coca Cola and Cadbury's Welcome to England everybody." Food and Drink

#5704

"I can really taste my food since giving up smoking. So I've decided to divorce my wife." Food and Drink

#5705

"I used to eat in my local McDonald's all the time, but not so much anymore, not since the time I went to use their bathroom, and I saw a sign that said: 'Employees Must Wash Hands, Especially Carl.'" Food and Drink

#5706

"I can't stop drinking peach archers and lemonade. Think I'd better schnapp out of It." Food and Drink

#5707

I know it's traditional to throw rice at weddings but I was walking past an Indian do in Bradford at the weekend so I chucked half rice half chips. Food and Drink

#5708

Eating fast food every day may shorten your life but it still works out for the best because you save so much time on preparation. Food and Drink

#5709

"When will greengrocers stop referring to 'New Potatoes'? They've been out for years now, so isn't it about time they just called them potatoes?" Food and Drink

#5710

Warburton's are bringing out their own range of crisps. The first flavour to hit the shelves will be 'Smokey Bakery'. Food and Drink

#5711

"They're not blueberries. They're peas holding their breath." Food and Drink

#5712

"Doritos Bigger Bag" That's nice and all, but maybe put some more crisps in there, too?" Food and Drink

#5713

All that money Stella must make selling beer, you would think that they could afford a dictionary to check the spelling of cider Food and Drink

#5714

"My Bachelors lifestyle is getting boring. Cup-a-Soup is all I know how to make." Food and Drink

#5715

"I think I might have undercooked my bagel. It's cold in the middle." Food and Drink

#5716

I've had so much coffee that I got halfway to work this morning before I realized I forgot my car. Food and Drink

#5717

"I've just had an Irish coffee. Tea." Food and Drink

#5718

"I looked at an item of food the other day to look at the ingredients. I looked on the bottom and it said "Do not turn container upside down." Bit too late for that." Food and Drink

#5719

"Mexican Food: It's all the same just folded differently." Food and Drink

#5720

"BBC Sport: Liverpool Ponder Chinese Takeover. I can sympathize, the decision between a Chinese or an Indian is the hardest decision I've ever had to make." Food and Drink

#5721

"I fancied some tea the other day. Boy, it sure is difficult to walk through Tesco with a hard on." Food and Drink

#5722

"When I was younger, I use to spit, but now I swallow. It's funny how you get used to Brussels sprouts" Food and Drink

#5723

There's no popcorn in Popcorn Chicken so don't even bother with the hash browns Food and Drink

#5724

"My girlfriend said baked potatoes would be Healthier for me than cakes. We'll see. I'm just icing the potato now." Food and Drink

#5725

I could tell it had no artificial flavours or colours in it on account of it having no colour... and no flavour Food and Drink

#5726

If you can't beat em, just have your eggs fried? Food and Drink

#5727

Friends are like bananas, once you peel and eat them, they die. Food and Drink

#5728

"Thanks to Weight Watchers, I have lost 50 pounds in a week! Now I just have to start losing weight." Food and Drink

#5729

"Dear Captain Birdseye, Your Chicken Curry is really nice; when will you be putting Chicken in it? Regards." Food and Drink

#5730

"Cadbury's Fruit and Nut, Terry's Chocolate Orange, Strawberry Cheese Cake, Lemon Sherberts and Onion Rings. Americans just love getting their 5 a day." Food and Drink

#5731

"I had a Picnic with the wife and kids earlier. Times are hard when you have to share a chocolate bar between five people." Food and Drink

#5732

"My wife's affair is driving me to drink. Her boyfriend is giving me a lift to the pub." Food and Drink

#5733

"We had an Indian take-away delivered last night, now the fridge stinks of curry. I guess we should dump the body before they start looking for their driver." Food and Drink

#5734

"I'll have a ham and anchovy pizza, please, but go easy on the anchovies." "I'm sorry, sir. Our anchovies are already dead." Food and Drink

#5735

"Just ate a tank of helium. That didn't go down well." Food and Drink

#5736

"I bet the wife that she couldn't make herself some underwear out of sweets. Fair play though, she's worked out a way to do it... Smartie pants." Food and Drink

#5737

"I got so drunk last night that someone put me in the recovery position. This morning I woke up on the back of an R.A.C. Truck." Food and Drink

#5738

"What's Tarte Au Citron? It's A Bit like a Slag in a Renault" Food and Drink

#5739

"I ate a broken record for lunch. Now it's repeating on me." Food and Drink

#5740

After causing some offence in the office, I'm going to think twice before I describe snacking on an apple as "eating my Granny out". Food and Drink

#5741

"I don't eat Indian food anymore. I just chuck a tenner down the toilet. It cuts out the middle man." Food and Drink

#5742

Smuggling sweets into the cinema; almost as British as a cup of tea. Food and Drink

#5743

"BBC News: "A Polish man living in Germany spent five years with a bullet in the back of his head having forgotten he was shot because he was drunk when it happened." Now I've had some forgetful nights... but being shot in the head! I don't care what you say about those Poles, they sure know how to drink!" Food and Drink

#5744

"Lenny Henry's ex-wife has admitted to "a couple of nibbles" on the dating scene. I very much doubt Dawn French ever has only " a couple of nibbles" of anything..." Food and Drink

#5745

"Where does Extra Extra Virgin Olive Oil come from? Really ugly olives" Food and Drink

#5746

"I just bought a dark chocolate Mars bar, It helps you rest and play." Food and Drink

#5747

"I've just bought a flat that overlooks a frozen food factory. I've got a Bird's eye view of it." Food and Drink

#5748

When I search Sickipedia, it tells me Rhubarb took 12ms to do a search and display the result. How times change - when I was 8, he used to spend all night working in his shed to discover the solution and share it with Custard the Cat. Food and Drink

#5749

Subway employees are just filling a role Food and Drink

#5750

"When I am bored, I like to ring up Curry's and ask if they deliver. When they say "yes", I like to respond with "Well, I'll have a Lamb Balti with a Keema Naan, and the Missus will have a Chicken Korma"." Food and Drink

#5751

"I'm gutted I got kicked out of my local cinema for taking my own food. It's been ages since I had a BBQ." Food and Drink

#5752

Dessert puns...I used to have hundreds and thousands of 'em Food and Drink

#5753

Found part of a child's body in a skip... walkers will put anything into their bags of crisps these days. Food and Drink

#5754

"I remember when my Dad caught me with some salmon. He made me smoke the whole packet." Food and Drink

#5755

"I just started dating a vegan. I'll go for anyone with a Pulse." Food and Drink

#5756

"Lurpack Spreadable Ironically, the only thing I am spreading is my bread around the plate." Food and Drink

#5757

"I'm slightly confused... What happens if you like water and Oasis?" Food and Drink

#5758

You know you've had a good curry when it's spicier coming out than it was going in... Food and Drink

#5759

"I told this guy I drunk 20 cups of coffee every day and he asked me how I sleep at night. I replied, "Easy, it's Fairtrade" Food and Drink

#5760

"Went to a French restaurant last night and ordered Snails Waiter said they are on their way sir I said oh, well I'll have something else then" Food and Drink

#5761

"I just bought some Armageddon Cola. The packet says - Best before end." Food and Drink

#5762

"I really like green olives but I'm not a big fan of black olives. For some reason, they just don't work for me." Food and Drink

#5763

"The lonely woman's shopping list Wine. Ice Cream. Batteries." Food and Drink

#5764

"I went to a cafe and ordered a cup of tea today. The waitress came back with a cup of lukewarm water, a jug of milk, some sugar and a teabag. So when she asked for the money I gave her the 'situations vacant' page from the local paper and told her to make her own." Food and Drink

#5765

You know it's time to sort your life out when you purposely undercook pizzas just so it cheers you up when you get to a warm bit. Food and Drink

#5766

"Dad doesn't earn enough money that's why mum goes to Iceland" Food and Drink

#5767

I gave my wife a good kicking after drinking 12 pints of Fosters. I felt totally disgusted with myself.... I usually drink Stella Food and Drink

#5768

"I've got a Arab friend who suffers from Parkinson's but loves drinking Nesquik. We call him the Milk Sheikh." Food and Drink

#5769

"I've been watching a TV series about how fish live their lives.... I'm totally hooked." Food and Drink

#5770

"It makes me sick how children get so excited about fast food. I've just seen 2 young boys burst through the door of KFC and run to the counter to order food. However, a gun seemed a funny method of payment." Food and Drink

#5771

"My friends have told me that they'll stop talking to me unless I stop telling the "Carlsberg don't do..." Jokes from Sickipedia. I guess you know who your mate's are." Food and Drink

#5772

"My mum says you are what you eat" "So if you eat runner beans you'll become a runner" "And if you eat... what's this then?" "Cabbage, dear" Food and Drink

#5773

"Q: What do you call two Muslim women with slices of cheddar on their heads? A: Double Cheese Burkha. Q: What do you call two smelly Muslim women with slices of cheddar on their heads? A Double Cheese Burkha with Flies." Food and Drink

#5774

"I've created a recipe for 'herb bread' which makes a 9" baguette. I call it Dill dough." Food and Drink

#5775

I can almost picture it perfectly... A young girl holding a can of Dr. Pepper, when her friend turns round and says, 'go on Rebecca, post your video on YouTube, what's the worst that could happen?' Food and Drink

#5776

"Sat next to my wife, I slowly took out my fingers and they gave off a strong, fishy smell. I'm writing my letter of complaint to Cadbury as we speak." Food and Drink

#5777

"Whenever my wife has anything to drink she has a tendency to take all of her clothes off. Which makes going to Starbucks a little awkward." Food and Drink

#5778

"I was shocked today to find my first grey pubic hair. It was in my Big Mac meal." Food and Drink

#5779

"What do you call a German baked bean? Heinz." Food and Drink

#5780

"Walked into a cafe the other day and ordered Sausage on toast. The little old lady behind the counted asked "what do you like on you sausage?" I replied "Lipstick" Food and Drink

#5781

"To celebrate 250 year of Guinness, the 24th of September is going to be called "Arthur Guinness Day." I think I would prefer a whole pint." Food and Drink

#5782

"Apparently, you're supposed to eat five fruit or veg a day to stay reasonably Healthy. A girl I use to know did just that. The only problem was the oranges were made by Terry's" Food and Drink

#5783

"Advantages of working in a bakery: - the delicious atmosphere - never going hungry - finding that hand-kneading dough is a good way to clean your fingernails." Food and Drink

#5784

"A bloke came up to me in the street and asked if I had any Red Leicester. I apologized and said I only had Swiss cheese. He went emmental." Food and Drink

#5785

"My new job is a breath of fresh air. I'm responsible for filling the packs of Walker's crisps." Food and Drink

#5786

"Dinner at my mate's house was ruined by the amount of dandruff falling from his head. There was also far too much Parmesan on my spaghetti." Food and Drink

#5787

"A teaspoon of mince, 3 kidney beans and 5 grains of rice. My mum made a mean chilli con carne." Food and Drink

#5788

"What Is The Difference Between A Muslim And A Kebab...? I like Kebabs." Food and Drink

#5789

"What do pancakes and people have in common? If they're black, they're failed." Food and Drink

#5790

"When I realized the coffee wasn't working to keep me awake, I turned to speed. Drank 20 cups of it in 10 minutes." Food and Drink

#5791

I was opening the jar and then ... JAM! Food and Drink

#5792

"I was standing in the pub last night when the barman said, "Johnny, that's your wife on the phone. She said if you aren't home in ten minutes, your dinner's going in the bin." I replied, "Thank her for cutting out the middle man." Food and Drink

#5793

I love bacon so much, when I eat it I get a lardon. Food and Drink

#5794

If time is money then instant coffee should be free. Food and Drink

#5795

"The missus said we should try Subway at lunch time. It makes sense, it's a lot safer than crossing a busy road." Food and Drink

#5796

"Sickipedia don't do lager. But if they did it would probably be the cheapest, nastiest lager in the world." Food and Drink

#5797

"I get so turned on watching my wife make cheese on toast. I love a bit of girl on grill action." Food and Drink

#5798

"Two yanks in a Glasgow cafe, one asks for two horse steaks. The waitress says " we don`t eat horse over here." The yank says "so how come that guy over there ordered mare soup?" Food and Drink

#5799

"Bloke walks into a pub with a fried egg on his head. Barman says, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?" Bloke replies, "Coz, boiled eggs fall off." Food and Drink

#5800

"I took my six year old boy swimming today. I left his armbands at home and naturally he started to worry that he might sink to the bottom of the pool. Disaster averted though, I ran to the vending machine and bought two bags of Walkers crisps and tied them to his arms." Food and Drink

#5801

"It makes such a lovely change when you do the cooking" said my wife, tucking in to her dinner tonight. "Why, because it's edible?" I replied." Food and Drink

#5802

"We bread our chicken with the same utensils you use to eat it" KFC proudly proclaim in their most recent magazine ad. Well their last ad suggested they've been licking their fingers so I'm sticking with Burger King." Food and Drink

#5803

"I just saw the KFC commercial where a man is surrounded by blacks, and looks scared. To put them in a good mood, he pulls out a bucket of fried chicken. I see that whoever directs KFC commercials is a Sickipedia." Food and Drink

#5804

"Because of the heat this summer, I've got a lot of bites on my legs... Maybe I should stop pushing the kids out of the line for the ice cream van." Food and Drink

#5805

I ate a whole bag a fortune cookies last night, so today's been kind of crazy. Food and Drink

#5806

"My History teacher asked me who the Great Train Robbers are. He wasn't happy when I replied "National Rail - 3 pound 50 for a cheese sandwich" Food and Drink

#5807

Walkers Crisps: Now with 50% less fat! ... Does this mean they've reduced the contents to just 1 Food and Drink

#5808

"Just launched in Korea, a new instant snack. Pot Poodle!!" Food and Drink

#5809

This new Magner's is as good as drugs....There's Methadone in the Magner's. Food and Drink

#5810

I went out for a meal last night and ordered everything in French. I surprised everyone. It was a Chinese Restaurant. Food and Drink

#5811

"What do you call a one legged ginger bread man? Limp biscuit." Food and Drink

#5812

"Cadbury should accept Kraft's takeover bid. Just imagine - a "half and half" bar of Dairy Milk and Dairy lea. Sales dynamite." Food and Drink

#5813

"Saw a Poster in the supermarket today which read, Coco Pops No added colours Oh, so JLS aren't getting a new member?" Food and Drink

#5814

"Someone is having a BBQ 1760 yards from me, I can smell it a mile off." Food and Drink

#5815

Do you think in china they have English people delivering fish and chips to their door via moped? Food and Drink

#5816

I work at a chocolate factory, but they don't like me talking about it. Which is why I have to Wispa. Food and Drink

#5817

I've spent the past 5 years making a car out of uncooked spaghetti. Yesterday I took it out for a spin and crashed into a lorry full of warm water. Luckily the back of it is fine, but the front is al dente. Food and Drink

#5818

Stood outside Tesco with sign saying 'Help for Heroes'; in 15 minutes I had enough money for a box of them and some Quality Street. Food and Drink

#5819

Bland salad.... that's a problem that needs addressing Food and Drink

#5820

"What do you call a gun that fires custard? A trifle." Food and Drink

#5821

I was in Burger King earlier and after waiting I noticed that the obese woman on the till had written on her top 'Too cool for school' i suppose that's why she was working at Burger King then. Food and Drink

#5822

"Sky news - 'Tube Bosses Will Axe More Than 400 Jobs' as long as there isn't a shortage of Pringles and Smarties, then it's all good." Food and Drink

#5823

"What would happen if you put the salt shaker in the fridge? Don't know but it'd be pretty cool." Food and Drink

#5824

"How do you make profiteroles shiny? With choux polish." Food and Drink

#5825

"I had some ice cream the other day that was as hard as a brick. Turns out it was Walls..." Food and Drink

#5826

"A study has found that Mothers have now started to drink breast milk. Looks like the cows want it back" Food and Drink

#5827

"I've just asked my mate to come to KFC with me later. I need a wing man" Food and Drink

#5828

"What's Jack the Ripper's favourite yoghurt? Frubes - He likes to rip their heads of and suck their guts out" Food and Drink

#5829

"My girlfriend is having 'women's problems'. She can't get her soufflés to rise." Food and Drink

#5830

I see that you liked your first chin so much you decided to add another. Food and Drink

#5831

My idea of the perfect date is a woman who pays for dinner without actually showing up at the restaurant. Food and Drink

#5832

Chinese restaurants: Try and cheer your customers up by putting the bill for their meal inside a fortune cookie. Food and Drink

#5833

"What's green and smells of bacon? Out of date bacon." Food and Drink

#5834

"Learning about food poisoning in France. C'est difficile." Food and Drink

#5835

"I didn't realize that you could hire skips. I don't understand how you get them back in the bag once you've eaten them, though?" Food and Drink

#5836

"Carling: Win your perfect pint! So that'll be anything except Carling please" Food and Drink

#5837

"So Starbucks have released a However-you-want-it Frappuccino, where you create your own Frappuccino just the way you want it. How about cheaper?" Food and Drink

#5838

"According to McDonald's, they spend 16,000 hours a day training their staff. And then they move on to the second half of the alphabet" Food and Drink

#5839

"How many cows can you fit in a bathtub? Just one, my wife." Food and Drink

#5840

"I always talk to my food before I eat it. It's the only way I can be sure it will agree with me." Food and Drink

#5841

"I walked out of my local take-away today and there was a charity worker outside giving out leaflets on how to donate items to the Haiti survivors. She asked me, "Can you spare a few tins of food for the starving people of Haiti?" "No. And I'm not even going to finish this kebab"." Food and Drink

#5842

"Sky News: Polish Woman Jailed After Baby Choked On Frankfurter. This really is just too easy." Food and Drink

#5843

"Why do French people drink loads of wine? It's the closest they're ever going to get to a 'win'." Food and Drink

#5844

"I've just had a can of E150, Sweeteners (Aspartame, Acesulfame K), Phosphoric Acid, and Flavorings (Including caffeine), and Preservative (Sodium Benzoate) Citric Acid containing a source of Phenylalanine.... Or Pepsi as some people call it." Food and Drink

#5845

After spending over 20 years without ever seeing a Paik gravestone I've finally realized where donner meat comes from. Food and Drink

#5846

"Just been watching that advert on TV for Patak's curry sauces... "Patak's.... The reason Britain loves curry" Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Lager the reason Britain loves curry?" Food and Drink

#5847

"The new McDonalds ad is asking us to get in to the festive spirit this Christmas by buying a chicken burger and a glorified pop tart. Yeah they have really got this Christmas thing spot on." Food and Drink

#5848

Why, when I order a burger, do I get a side-salad, yet when I order a salad, I don't get a side-burger? Food and Drink

#5849

"Anyone cooking asparagus for tea? I've got some tips if you're interested." Food and Drink

#5850

"I've just bought some Chicken Tonight, but I'm going to eat it tomorrow. Fight the Power!" Food and Drink

#5851

"I had a microwave burger today. Thinking back, beef would have been better." Food and Drink

#5852

I tried to find out if our local Mexican bistro was actually moving the 'Chilli' section on its menu, but they're keeping it under wraps. Food and Drink

#5853

"My football team were losing badly after half time, so I decided to bring on some subs. The newspapers said it was the first mid-game picnic they'd ever seen." Food and Drink

#5854

"A few hours after my daughter drank all of my tomato juice, she got her first period. Now I have to decide whether to educate her about periods, or have the whole carton of juice to myself next time." Food and Drink

#5855

"McSplurry: The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants" Food and Drink

#5856

"If red bull gives you wings.... Does Brawn now give you springs?" Food and Drink

#5857

Why does sour cream have a use by date? Food and Drink

#5858

I just got back from the future... are Wagon wheels ever small. Food and Drink

#5859

"Did you hear about the Mexican Lesbians? Apparently they don't put meat in their taco's" Food and Drink

#5860

Africa, the only place in the world where you get a pint of flies and your beer lands in it Food and Drink

#5861

"I got chased into an alleyway by a bunch of yoghurts... I was cornered..." Food and Drink

#5862

"As I was coming home from the fish n chip shop, I opened the bag to discover my cod was coated in bread crumbs. I can't believe it's not batter." Food and Drink

#5863

"Danone Actimel - Just 1 a day will balance out your Healthy bacteria. Try our weekly challenge so why sell them in packs of 6?" Food and Drink

#5864

"Daily Mail: "Mr. Average spends 10,585 hours of his life in the pub" Mrs. Average has left a note telling him his dinner is in the dog" Food and Drink

#5865

"I had a "Taste of England" meal today. A curry for two from Asda." Food and Drink

#5866

"It's all gravy baby! This is the worst roast dinner ever." Food and Drink

#5867

"It's the birthday of my ice cream business today. It's been a rocky road." Food and Drink

#5868

I prefer to call the alcohol menu at a restaurant a spirit guide. Food and Drink

#5869

I keep all my puff pastry recipes in alphabetical order in my Filofax. Food and Drink

#5870

"My Mexican lorry driver friend has got to watch what he eats. He records it on a taco graph." Food and Drink

#5871

"Since splitting up with my wife I'm living a bachelor life! Tomato soup on Monday, Mushroom on Tuesday, Cream of chicken Wednesday," Food and Drink

#5872

"I walked past a specialist African Food Store the other day... It was empty." Food and Drink

#5873

"What came first? Egg fried rice or Chicken fried rice?" Food and Drink

#5874

"Dr. Pepper: It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up" Food and Drink

#5875

"Carlsberg don't do police line ups... but Stella do!" Food and Drink

#5876

"This last month I have ordered 4 Chinese meals from 4 different Chinese takeaways. Every time they had the same delivery driver. Strange." Food and Drink

#5877

"Went back to this chick's place last night, soon after I was slinging the sausage down the corridor. In retrospect, initiating a food fight wasn't the best idea." Food and Drink

#5878

I have a mate named Phil Level, and every time I see him, I get this uncanny desire for a Pot Noodle. Food and Drink

#5879

I'd just finished eating a meal at a very cold and grotty pub when the waitress came over and said "How was the steak sir?" , "Very well done" , I replied , "Thanks" she said "We've never had a compliment before" Food and Drink

#5880

"Treated the wife to a slap up meal at our local paki restaurant last night. She had a Big Mac and I had a Quarter Pounder." Food and Drink

#5881

Just seen that new breakfast cereal for people with speech impediments. I think Rice Lispies are going to be big. Food and Drink

#5882

"One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over. The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could. He was taken to emergency at the hospital, and rushed away. After many hours of agonized waiting, the doctor came out. He walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life." Food and Drink

#5883

"The wife and I are managing to eat well through the credit crunch, with a little known recipe for 'Nigerian coq au vin' ... First ... steal a chicken." Food and Drink

#5884

"I met this bird from New York in the pub this week and I took her out for dinner last night. I told her I knew this fantastic place that does really authentic Native American food. She wasn't too impressed though. Apparently they have McDonalds in the US as well." Food and Drink

#5885

"Gregg's sausage rolls are a lot like revenge... Often served cold." Food and Drink

#5886

Once I popped open a can of Pringles. Then I stopped. Food and Drink

#5887

Sandwich makers have many rolls to fill. Food and Drink

#5888

"My stupid blind son has been stuffing his face all morning. I had to lead him over to the Turkey." Food and Drink

#5889

Do you know what would really make these African charity adverts "she has to walk miles for clean water" more appealing, if the backing music was the Proclaimers "I would walk 500 miles" Food and Drink

#5890

"Why don't Jews eat Brussels sprouts? It gives them gas" Food and Drink

#5891

"What's the difference between Yann Kermorgant and McCain? McCain can make decent chips." Food and Drink

#5892

"BBC News: Turkey battered by severe weather. This could save Bernard Matthews a fortune." Food and Drink

#5893

Drinking some 2% milk earlier, I couldn't help but wonder what the other 98% was. Food and Drink

#5894

I got drunk last night. Mind you, that's what I get for sitting in a cup of tea. Food and Drink

#5895

"BBC News - US warns allies on possible leaks. OK, they're not the nicest vegetable, but there's no need to be afraid of them." Food and Drink

#5896

"My dad says that he hates the blacks. I'm inclined to agree. They're so unpopular, sometimes I don't know why Maynards just remove them from the packet completely." Food and Drink

#5897

"Rice Krispies motto is "Snap, Crackle and Pop" Coco Pops are the same but chocolate, they don't share the same motto though Is it because they is black?" Food and Drink

#5898

"My wife has recently had a face job, paid for by the richest most powerful brewers in Belgium.. Stella." Food and Drink

#5899

Since the Wife left with the kids I feel as lonely as a Walkers crisp. Food and Drink

#5900

Given the price of food now think I'm gonna be a veggie, by that I mean no meat ...not in a coma Food and Drink

#5901

Nearly got kicked out of McDonald's today... There was a fit girl who asked me if I wanted to go large for 30p so I told her "you've already done that, I'll give you a 1 to finish me off" Food and Drink

#5902

"The wife tried to 'cheese me off' last night. She's started experimenting with dairy products in the bedroom." Food and Drink

#5903

"I'd heard that the steak served at String fellows is the best you can get, so I decided to try one. What arrived at my table was gristly, oily and tasteless. I said "Hi Peter. Where's my steak?" Food and Drink

#5904

"To an optimist, the bag is 1/32 full. To a pessimist, the bag of Walkers crisps is 31/32's empty. To an engineer, the bag is 32 times as big as it needs to be." Food and Drink

#5905

"What goes in hard, and goes out limp and dripping? Spaghetti." Food and Drink

#5906

"My nan accidentally made a trifle with KY jelly. It didn't taste very nice but it went down well." Food and Drink

#5907

"I read in a magazine that if you sit in a sauna for 30 minutes, you will lose 600 calories in sweat I really hate saunas though, so instead, I've been putting my Big Mac and chips in there for half an hour before I eat it." Food and Drink

#5908

"I've never been any good at making pancakes. I think it's because I don't give a toss." Food and Drink

#5909

"My mate said 'Someone needs to eat the last tortilla or I'll get in trouble'. So I took the wrap for him." Food and Drink

#5910

"I said to one of my dinner guests, "What do you think to the horseradish sauce?" He said, "It certainly tastes unique. Did you make it yourself?" I said, "I did... I got the radishes from Asda. The horse proved to be a bit trickier though." Food and Drink

#5911

I went for a curry last night and ran out of the curry house without paying, when i got back home I was on the toilet for hours. That's bad korma. Food and Drink

#5912

"A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!" A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!" The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show. That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!" Food and Drink

#5913

"I went to a fast food sushi restaurant. They gave me some chopsticks and a goldfish in a bowl." Food and Drink

#5914

"I was at a restaurant with a friend and noticed my waitress had a black eye and her lip was split. So when I told her my order I raised my voice a little bit, spoke very clear, and talked s..l..o..w..l..y, because it's obvious she doesn't listen." Food and Drink

#5915

"I found a human hair on my pizza last night. The wife must have been keeping food in the wrong freezer again." Food and Drink

#5916

"i phoned up the local Indian restaurant last night and said "do you deliver?" they said "no but we have lamb" Food and Drink

#5917

"You can't beat a poached egg Well you can but it will be a scrambled egg." Food and Drink

#5918

"I got kicked out of my son's school summer foyer today for having an inappropriate name for my pancake stall. Apparently, 'Toss Off' wasn't appropriate." Food and Drink

#5919

"'F' to tha 'A' to tha 'J' to tha 'I' to tha 'T' 'A' that's the Fajita Rap." Food and Drink

#5920

Guinness: putting dirty black stains on the toilet bowl since 1759! Food and Drink

#5921

"My mates were arguing the other day over who ordered what from the fish and chip shop. I was gonna interrupt them but then I thought, "It's not my plaice." Food and Drink

#5922

"What's the best thing since sliced bread? Toast." Food and Drink

#5923

"Gutted. Left a large bag of those chocolate and toffee sweets in my car in the hot sun. What a sad state of éclairs." Food and Drink

#5924

"I was in the pub last night and I walked up to the barman and said "Vodka please mate" He said "How would you like it?" I said "Give it to me straight" He said "You're fat and ugly" Food and Drink

#5925

"My dinner kept playing loud music until 2am this morning. It was a club sandwich." Food and Drink

#5926

"I saw a very impressive constellation of stars last night. The regional manager was in my local McDonald's." Food and Drink

#5927

"I bought a pack of walkers today. I was disgusted to find some sort of chargrilled potato right at the very bottom." Food and Drink

#5928

"Burger King Bought for 3.6bn" and who said you couldn't buy into religion." Food and Drink

#5929

Do you think when Ronald McDonald is in the car with his kids, they're screaming for home cooked meals? Food and Drink

#5930

"The wife asked me what she should buy for tea while at the shop. Milk, sugar and tea bags. Stupid cow." Food and Drink

#5931

"Ah, payday tomorrow. Or as I like to call it: Hangover eve." Food and Drink

#5932

For a change, I went to see the local farmer to get some milk, although I've got to say, I prefer cows. Food and Drink

#5933

"McDonald's. The only place you can play Monopoly and win a heart attack." Food and Drink

#5934

"Sunny D counts towards your 5 a day, as -2." Food and Drink

#5935

"I followed a recipe book last night, because I decided to cook something exotic for supper, It was a total disaster, I lost track of it three streets away." Food and Drink

#5936

At last! I can get a kebab and not feel guilty when I refuse when I'm asked if I want salad with it! Food and Drink

#5937

"I'll be the first to admit I'm not the best when it comes to cooking. But yesterday I decided to rustle something up for the wife when she came in from work. She seemed surprised, then said, 'are well you did try, but it does look a bit like a dogs dinner', I was amazed she noticed, after all I did add herbs and spices to It." Food and Drink

#5938

"I was reading about this new diet where you're not allowed to drink alcohol. Well, I read the first sentence at least." Food and Drink

#5939

"I love Toblerone. Can't wait for Kraft to launch Toblertwo." Food and Drink

#5940

"What's the difference between black people and Libyans? Black people aren't happy that the Colonel's no longer around." Food and Drink

#5941

"Let me get your ... BANG! You've pulled a Christmas cracker!" Food and Drink

#5942

I needed a camera with a huge zoom so I phoned up McDonalds and asked them what they use to show burgers on their adverts Food and Drink

#5943

"Feeling puckish, I decided to send my young son to the shop to fetch a hot pie for me. That was hours ago and there's been no sign so I'm really starting to panic now. How long do pies stay edible?" Food and Drink

#5944

Producers of microwave meals, to save adding flavour to your product simply double the required cooking time. This will allow the consumer to enjoy the taste of burning flesh as it peels away from the insides of his mouth. Food and Drink

#5945

"I picked a random selection out of my tin of Roses, the side one of them read "Contains: Soya" Imagine my disappointment when I opened it to find a chocolate" Food and Drink

#5946

"2 Girls 1 Cup - Sponsored by Cadburys Crème Egg how you eat yours?" Food and Drink

#5947

I went on a training course to be a butcher, but I just couldn't cut it. Food and Drink

#5948

I've just been appointed as the new chairman of the Vegetarian Society. My first job is to arrange the Annual General Quorning. Food and Drink

#5949

"News: African fruit burns 12.3 lbs. of fat every 28 days Mother Nature, the only woman with a sense of humour" Food and Drink

#5950

"Everyone seems to think I'm an alcoholic because I have several bottles of wine with every meal... But it's the only way I can cope with eating my wife's cooking." Food and Drink

#5951

"I don't love or hate Marmite, I'm impartial towards it. Take that society!" Food and Drink

#5952

"I offered my ex-wife a shoulder to cry on after she was diagnosed with cancer but she refused. I forgot she doesn't like lamb." Food and Drink

#5953

"I can't stand drunk people. They just fall over again." Food and Drink

#5954

"I have just opened up a shop selling lucky charms and I've called it 'Fortune'. It's next door to the coffee shop 'Costa'" Food and Drink

#5955

"A dyslexic kid asks his mum for a McDonalds. She says you can have one if you spell it, the kid replies "Never mind... I'll have a K.F.C" Food and Drink

#5956

Victoria Beckham was offered gas and air during childbirth, but she refused, as she wasn't hungry enough. Food and Drink

#5957

"My girlfriend, after becoming ill mentioned that some fresh air might make her feel better. So I got her a bag of Walkers crisps." Food and Drink

#5958

"I'm going to give up meat and become a vegetarian. So far I've quit cold turkey." Food and Drink

#5959

"I'm having dinner at McDonalds tonight. I don't need reservations, but I can't help having them." Food and Drink

#5960

"This wind broke down my bathroom wall earlier. Then again, I did have a strong curry for tea." Food and Drink

#5961

Why would McDonalds not serve under 18's? That's like pound land only serving the Royal Family. Food and Drink

#5962

"What did the teabag say as it vigorously got out of the teapot? I think I've strained myself." Food and Drink

#5963

"A single punch can kill. If you lace it with enough antifreeze." Food and Drink

#5964

"I couldn't believe it when the local pizza shop accused me of taking advantage of their all you can eat on one plate offer. And to add insult to injury, they even billed me for having to clean some tomato and pineapple off the ceiling." Food and Drink

#5965

"My wife's into all sorts in the bedroom. And I like Minstrels and Tangfastics." Food and Drink

#5966

"I work at the Revels factory. It's a bit of a mixed bag." Food and Drink

#5967

"As a company, what do McDonald's call their 17-18 year old staff members? Managers." Food and Drink

#5968

Scotch eggs must be absolute nightmares for vegetarians, they have death on the outside, and the potential for life within. Food and Drink

#5969

"Me and my mate arrive at the pub and order a couple of drinks. I pulled out a lovely Chicken Mayo sandwich and my mate had Ham & Mustard. Seeing us eat these in his pub, the angry publican approaches us and says, 'Excuse me, but you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!' Which is such a shame because I hate Mustard." Food and Drink

#5970

"BBC: Seven die in French hostel fire. Thanks for that info, I now have a craving for some French toast." Food and Drink

#5971

If there really were a food court, Taco Bell would almost certainly be found guilty. Food and Drink

#5972

"I'm a highly successful dairy farmer in France, but sadly my move to England isn't working out too well. What is it that we love about 'belle cheese' that you English don't?" Food and Drink

#5973

"Pulled myself a pint tonight, it made me realize how little luck I must have with the ladies" Food and Drink

#5974

"'BBC News - Ancient Britons 'Drank from skulls' ... That's nothing new, haven't they been to the north after chucking out time?'" Food and Drink

#5975

At a Family Barbecue, I ended up falling out with everyone because not one of them even gave my girlfriend a chance they just stared at her black skin, I had to eat most of her myself. Racists. Food and Drink

#5976

If drinking Bitter makes you a bitter person, and drinking Wine makes you whine... Why doesn't Boddingtons Extra Smooth seem to work? Food and Drink

#5977

I always sleep with a carrot underneath my pillow just in case there is a power cut. Food and Drink

#5978

"What did the salad say when it knocked on the door? Lettuce in" Food and Drink

#5979

"I hate it when my chewing gum goes all tasteless. I spat it out once and it was in the shape of a dead baby." Food and Drink

#5980

"I found an everlasting lemon. I now have a zest for life." Food and Drink

#5981

"My friend snorts 10 lines of liquorish each day. He has all sorts of problems." Food and Drink

#5982

"My new girlfriend was telling me about how she left her ex as he was a serial cheater. I thought to myself "...I wonder if he knows Tony the tiger from Frosties" Food and Drink

#5983

"I was at a church fair today and there was stall with lots of cakes on. I walked up to the stand and asked "how much are your cakes love" the little lady across the table replied "one pound each dear." "Can I have one of those cakes please" I asked whilst pointing to the one that I wanted. "That's will be two pounds" said the lady confused, I asked the lady "why is that cake "two pounds when you said all the cakes were one pound" well said the lady "that's Madeira cake." Food and Drink

#5984

"I wondered what the colour of water is the other day. Then it became clear to me." Food and Drink

#5985

I was having a packet of kettle crisps with my Stella when the wife says "Why are those crisp bags so big"? I said "they're made in Norwich you need a bigger bag to get a 6 fingered hand in" Food and Drink

#5986

"I was sacked from my job at McDonalds for stealing a portion of fries. I took it with a pinch of salt." Food and Drink

#5987

Just had some 'Rachel's Organic Yoghurt' and can't help thinking that it tastes like she used it to treat a yeast infection Food and Drink

#5988

It makes sense that non-alcoholic drinks are called virgins, because I stopped being one as soon as I started getting alcohol in me too. Food and Drink

#5989

"Just found a message in a bottle. It said "keep drinking me and I'll teach you to dance." I love wine." Food and Drink

#5990

Whenever I see people praying before a meal, I can't help but wonder ' just how many people has my wife cooked for?' Food and Drink

#5991

"I entered a marathon earlier. The nuts scratched my bell end" Food and Drink

#5992

As a result of the worst UK economic forecast since the days of ration books, chancellor George Osborne has asked the EU to extend the 5 second rule. Food and Drink

#5993

"How does a paki order two bottles of American beer? Bud bud." Food and Drink

#5994

"McDonald's drive through. Because eating your burger in the driver's seat of your car, sat in a bleak, uninspiring industrial car park is still infinitely preferable than having to be near the kind of person who sits down in the restaurant." Food and Drink

#5995

"Just had one of those 'Whole Meal' loaves. Only got halfway through before I was sick." Food and Drink

#5996

"All I did was pop to the shops for half an hour, but inadvertently, discovered a great recipe for oven roasted dog." Food and Drink

#5997

"My wife said it would be nice if I bought a magnum of champagne for our wedding anniversary. I tried, but they only had double chocolate flavour at the petrol station." Food and Drink

#5998

A Korean meat factory has exploded. It rained dogs. Food and Drink

#5999

Korea - The only place you can do a chicken doggy style Food and Drink

#6000

"They call it Le Big Mac." And the Americans call it a Happy Meal." Food and Drink

#6001

"What did the peanut say when it sneezed? Cashew" Food and Drink

#6002

"At Christmas I went on a world food tour. It was mostly rubbish but I enjoyed Turkey and Brussels" Food and Drink

#6003

"I always support locally grown produce. That's why I drink my Gin and Tonic with a slice of onion in It." Food and Drink

#6004

You know foods posh when it's got a nationality. Food and Drink

#6005

"I've been running quite a successful award winning restaurant for the past 6 months now. My secret is not to tell anyone that the actual award was "Filthiest Kitchen in Manchester"." Food and Drink

#6006

Jammie Dodgers adverts, making you feel like the world's biggest drug addict since 2011. Food and Drink

#6007

Garlic bread is second to naan Food and Drink

#6008

"My local pub is brilliant. If you have 16 pints you get a free bucket to vomit in." Food and Drink

#6009

"McDonald's. About as much nutritional value as taking a dump in your own mouth." Food and Drink

#6010

"McDonalds now only sell to people aged 18 or over, they do realize most their customers don't live to 18?" Food and Drink

#6011

"Just sorted out a dripping tap in the kitchen. There's nothing quite like cow fat on demand." Food and Drink

#6012

"Picked up a hot bit of stuff last night. A take away vindaloo curry" Food and Drink

#6013

"Doris and Mildred, two posh old ladies, are sitting in a restaurant tucking into plates of Parma ham with asparagus and hollandaise sauce. "Do you know, Mildred," says Doris, "they used to call asparagus the 'widow's comforter'?" "Not much comfort in one of these, Doris," says Mildred with a sly smile, picking up an asparagus spear with her fork. "Well," says Doris, "apparently you have to use a whole bunch." Food and Drink

#6014

"I started my Healthy eating plan today... By blowing the powdered sugar off my doughnut." Food and Drink

#6015

"My wife said she was getting tired of doing the same thing every day and asked if we could try new things. So I bought her a toasted sandwich maker." Food and Drink

#6016

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same "take a clean dish" Food and Drink

#6017

"I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. Which is convenient, because a new kebab shop's just opened in town." Food and Drink

#6018

"Rumor has it, Fish is good for you. Tell that to my wife when it comes to foreplay." Food and Drink

#6019

I went round to Matthew Corbett's house for dinner yesterday. We had a sweep steak. Food and Drink

#6020

"I love going for a kebab. There's nothing more heartwarming than watching a professional put that lamb doner to the heat and slowly grilling it to succulent perfection. Then casually opening a dirty pot and scooping a load of slimy grey threads of sweaty, greasy meat for you to eat instead." Food and Drink

#6021

"Dr. Pepper, what's the worst that can happen?" 'Well you might not be able to have any kids.'" Food and Drink

#6022

"I think McDonalds are running out of ideas. I just ordered a Happy Meal and got a bag of anti-depressants." Food and Drink

#6023

"In a recent survey of 'food' that apparently 'Taste like chicken', Rat came an easy first, with Frogs legs a close second. KFC's 'popcorn chicken', came last." Food and Drink

#6024

"What cheese do alcoholics like? Morbier" Food and Drink

#6025

"BBC News: "Food Prices Will Double by 2030" Luckily I always reach the checkout by quarter past eight." Food and Drink

#6026

"I've decided to 'go green' by recycling my used bath water and making popsicles out of it. The neighbourhood kids just love them." Food and Drink

#6027

"What do you call a heroic carton of milk? Legen-dairy." Food and Drink

#6028

If smoking makes you thin and drinking makes you fat, then I have a perfectly Healthy and balanced diet. Food and Drink

#6029

"I spent ages beating the meat yesterday. Suddenly, I thought "This is an unusual way to prepare a bacon sandwich..."." Food and Drink

#6030

It's very rare that I eat steak. Food and Drink

#6031

"The apple industry has been hit by a rapid decline in sales of fruit-based pastries. Industry experts are worried about the apple turnover." Food and Drink

#6032

"I have written a song about my addiction to red wine. "Life is a Cabernet." Food and Drink

#6033

"A hippie woman came into my cafe this morning "Do you do vegetarian breakfasts?" she enquired. "Of course", I replied, "I'll put you some toast on now." Food and Drink

#6034

"If pizzas get to your house quicker than an ambulance ..... Maybe we should ask the delivery guy to pick up the paramedic on the way?" Food and Drink

#6035

"Where are you going to take me for my Birthday?" my wife asked. I said, "You know that expensive restaurant down the road?" "Yeah!!" she replied. "Well, there's an amazing kebab shop next to it..." Food and Drink

#6036

"My friend just challenged me to guess what food item he was hiding behind his back. "Well that's a piece of cake" I said." Food and Drink

#6037

"I recently applied for a job at a restaurant and was outraged when they didn't give me it, claiming that my food was far too salty I just couldn't believe it, I thought I was a seasoned professional..." Food and Drink

#6038

"My yoghurt was obviously feeling the cold in the fridge. It's now wearing a cute little green fur coat." Food and Drink

#6039

"Kebab shops; the only time you'll let a Turkish man handle your meat." Food and Drink

#6040

"I and the wife did a bit of role play earlier. She was ham salad and I was cheese and pickle" Food and Drink

#6041

"For my course at catering college last year, I wrote a 2000 word essay on beer. I couldn't read a word of it when I'd sobered up." Food and Drink

#6042

It's fair to say KFC would have been out of business if black people knew how to cook Food and Drink

#6043

If you're hungry, a coconut filled with chocolate milkshake makes a convenient 'inside-out Bounty' Food and Drink

#6044

"I asked my mate to get me a Stella. He came back with a pint of John Smiths. I was bitterly disappointed." Food and Drink

#6045

"I work as a Barman and for a while now I have been worried as I'm always hearing voices at work even though there is no one there. To try and figure out what has been happening to me I went to the Doctor's and told him my about my problem. The Doctor gave me a full checkup and even took some X-rays, but he couldn't find anything that could cause the symptoms I have been experiencing. "What job do you do?" he asked suddenly. "I'm a Barman." I replied." Well that explains it" said the Doctor "It's just the Booze talking." Food and Drink

#6046

Food fetishists are coming for dinner tonight. Food and Drink

#6047

"After hearing rumours that Walkers were to change the amount crisps in their bags, I bought some to check it out. It turned out there was nothing in It." Food and Drink

#6048

"I bought a variety pack of Lads Magazines, I was a little surprised it didn't warn me on the packaging that it may contain Nuts." Food and Drink

#6049

"I went to a restaurant and ordered fish and chips. After a few mouthfuls I called the waiter over. 'I've tasted fresher fish than this, ' I said. ' Not in here, ' replied the waiter." Food and Drink

#6050

"Obama bbq outrage: As Cameron suggests they pick whichever corn on the cob they want..." Food and Drink

#6051

"My delivery of herbs has just arrived and I can now make my main course the thyme has come..." Food and Drink

#6052

"Just been fired from my job at a Spanish restaurant for poisoning the customers with my version of paella. I always thought you had to put ricin." Food and Drink

#6053

I chew through packets of bubblegum. Food and Drink

#6054

When the old man told me to 'give him a break', i don't think lobbing KitKats at him was what he meant. Food and Drink

#6055

There's definitely a point in catering when a long shelf life becomes a long half-life. Food and Drink

#6056

I'm going to open a restaurant and have a main course called 'Monty Hall's Curry Surprise'. Two thirds of the time it will be goat meat Food and Drink

#6057

"I hosted a dinner party last night, but my friends couldn't even make it past the main dish, a vegetable and cheese pie in a pastry crust. Quiche to their own." Food and Drink

#6058

I knew that insects were considered a delicacy in some countries but I never appreciated it myself until I went to Bangkok and was served a Big Mac and flies. Food and Drink

#6059

"A few days ago, I purchased several dozen cans of Red Bull and drank at least 20, in hope of being able to fly as the commercials show. But I didn't fly, I had a heart attack and ended up in the hospital. The commercials clearly states, "Red Bull gives you wings"." Food and Drink

#6060

"I have seconds to live. Otherwise my anorexia will worsen." Food and Drink

#6061

"I saw a Guinness brought to life on TV earlier. Turns out it was Trevor McDonald." Food and Drink

#6062

"BBC News - Maternity Leave, Brussels wants to change things, but will the situation improve? Does 'getting the farts' make a baby come out faster?" Food and Drink

#6063

Had a Boiled egg for my tea. It's like a normal egg but slightly cracked. Food and Drink

#6064

"The fat missus has started getting a bit of pride in herself lately. Well, she's started eating lion bars." Food and Drink

#6065

"Today I feel on top of the world as it is officially 1 year since i stopped Drinking. I'm going down the pub to celebrate with a couple of pints." Food and Drink

#6066

"I was eating my supper on my sofa last night when I suddenly thought: "A plate would probably be better." Food and Drink

#6067

"What's the difference between David Cameron and African's? African's aren't fishing for compliments." Food and Drink

#6068

People with pear shaped bodies shouldn't wear pear coloured clothes. Food and Drink

#6069

That moment during a meal when the fat person is the only one who orders dessert. Food and Drink

#6070

Connor the cannon Howe Food and Drink

#6071"I was looking forward to our local amateur dramatic society putting on a production of Jack and the Beanstalk. But they've had to cancel it over fears of E. Coli." Food and Drink

#6072

"Went to the chippy and couldn't decide what to get, I said ''Ok, I'll get my chips with peas because I really really love peas'' ''Don't get mushy'' he said." Food and Drink

#6073

"The manager of our local Nando's restaurant died. He will be missed Peri-Peri much." Food and Drink

#6074

"Do you still have that wine I had last week?" I asked the waiter. "Yes, sir, we do." "Bring me a pint of lager then." Food and Drink

#6075

"''Muslims wearing Carlsberg T-shirt's" If Carlsberg did Irony, it would be the best Irony in the world'" Food and Drink

#6076

"I just went to McDonalds, I said, "Could i have a Fillet O Fish for my Wife?" Guy said "Sorry we don't do swaps"." Food and Drink

#6077

I bet paedophile get really disappointed when they ask to see the kid's menu. Food and Drink

#6078

My wife thinks I'm a terrible cook. She hasn't tried my lamb strudel. Food and Drink

#6079

If there is anything I have learnt in life it's that you can't beat a cup of tea, but you can beat your wife. Food and Drink

#6080

"I just got a big Purple one from a box of Quality Street, Chocolate really turns me on..." Food and Drink

#6081

"BBC News: US bounty for 'Al-Qaeda' man. Because nothing makes people want to catch an extremist more than the taste of coconut smothered in smooth milk chocolate." Food and Drink

#6082

"I was with my mate in the pub earlier. I said, "For this time of year the weather is quite, ummm ..." "Mild?" he volunteered. "Cheers mate. I'll have a bag of crisps as well." Food and Drink

#6083

"My friend strictly only eats Frosties for breakfast; never Cheerios, Coco-Pops or Weetabix etc. He says he is a cereal monogamist." Food and Drink

#6084

"The Cook At My Local Chinese Is A Pervert. Peking Chef." Food and Drink

#6085

"How do you greet a mouthy Indian Restaurant Owner? Alo Gobi." Food and Drink

#6086

"I was sat at the table eating my kebab last night. "Sir, could you please take that tub of garlic off black 20," asked the roulette dealer." Food and Drink

#6087

"I don't need to spend a lot of money on a woman, just for her to tell me "You've had too much to drink!" The coppers do it for free." Food and Drink

#6088

"Need a curry urgently; then just call the emergency curry service. All you do is dial Naan Naan" Food and Drink

#6089

"C0RNF1AK3S ...That's a serial number." Food and Drink

#6090

"Just bought a cookie from a coffee shop today. It Cost a fortune" Food and Drink

#6091

"Where've you been?" asked my wife. "Running." I replied. "Have the Olympics inspired you then?" she said. "No, the off-licence was about to close." Food and Drink

#6092

"A Bloke standing at the Bar on a Friday night looking very happy. Barman says "You look cheerful mate, what's the occasion?", bloke says "I'm 62 today" , "Congratulations mate" says the Barman and gives him drinks on the house all night. On the Sunday night the bloke stands at the bar again, but looking very glum, the Barman asks "What's the matter with you mate, you look sad", and the bloke says " I'm 2 to 10 tomorrow"." Food and Drink

#6093

"I caught a fish that almost got away. He was gutted." Food and Drink

#6094

Is that a banana in your pocket or is it another type of fruit or something? Food and Drink

#6095

Is it me, or is Turkish delight very Moorish? Food and Drink

#6096

Finally after all this time they are banning vuvuzelas in football grounds. I'm just hoping that vuvuzelas is a racist euphemism. Food and Drink

#6097

Had a food fight earlier but couldn't find the French mustard anywhere. Food and Drink

#6098

"There's a McDonald's for everyone'' Yeah, I tried telling a fat bloke that the salad was for him, it didn't go down so well..." Food and Drink

#6099

"Hey McDonalds, I see in your advert you talk about how fantastic your Coffee is! And how you've practically mastered good Coffee! Well here's an idea, why don't you master making nice Food?" Food and Drink

#6100

"My friend is absolutely terrified about going to Nan does. He's a chicken." Food and Drink

#6101

"I was out camping the other night when I got really hungry and decided to try poaching. I can now safely confirm that eggs are best friend or scrambled." Food and Drink

#6102

"I found a man unconscious in my bakery this morning. He says he can't remember his name so for now we're just calling him john dough." Food and Drink

#6103

"I bought myself one of those impossible jigsaws today. Or, 'Jacob's Cream Crackers', as my local supermarket likes to call it." Food and Drink

#6104

"I just saw an advert that said- "Pot Noodle- the Nation's Favourite Food". That's a bit of an exaggeration I thought. You can't really consider it as food." Food and Drink

#6105

"You know you have the ultimate hang-over when you have to do one thing. Sit down in the shower." Food and Drink

#6106

"I was sat eating my tea last night, I said to my wife, "Did you cook this?" She said. "Yes, why?" I said, "There's something wrong with it." "What do you mean?" she replied. I said, "It tastes quite nice." Food and Drink

#6107

"BBC News: Higgs boson results cause flurry so that's how McDonald's make them" Food and Drink

#6108

"What's Black on top and white on the Bottom? An Oreo... I ate the bottom bit." Food and Drink

#6109

"Potato. The vegetable for fat people." Food and Drink

#6110

"Popcorn! It's the daddy of the corn Family!" Food and Drink

#6111

Isn't it ironic when it's the price of onions that makes you cry? Food and Drink

#6112

"I went to the bar yesterday and was drinking absinthe all night and started to get emotional about not seeing my parents for five years. Well you know what they say, Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." Food and Drink

#6113

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues Food and Drink

#6114

"You'll always find me in the kitchen at parties. Eating the entire contents of my fridge because I wasn't invited again." Food and Drink

#6115

"I hate it when I get so drunk that I wake up and put my shoes on the wrong feet. "Sorry" I said to her "Can you take them off, please." Food and Drink

#6116

"How do you brainwash a citrus fruit? Sublemonal messaging" Food and Drink

#6117

I went to a restaurant that served Ethiopian food today, when they brought out my plate it had nothing on it. Food and Drink

#6118

"I hate eating frozen ready meals. So, I always cook them first." Food and Drink

#6119

"Halal. Is it meat you're looking for?" Food and Drink

#6120

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, and a clove of garlic a day keeps everyone away. Food and Drink

#6121

"I was so close to getting in the Olympics this year. But they chose a different hamburger stall." Food and Drink

#6122

"My wife said it would be nice to have a candle at dinner tonight. I opted for steak." Food and Drink

#6123

"Doritos have just released their new flavour of crisps. Chile shockwave." Food and Drink

#6124

Even the thought of my wife's mashed potato brings a lump to my throat. Food and Drink

#6125

"If Carlsberg created the perfect woman, she'd probably look like this: Kelly Brook dons tiny red jumpsuit to promote beer." So, a women with no talent or credibility with enough 'slap' on to help her appear 'attractive' and 'appealing' to the commercial market....Kind of like the beer then." Food and Drink

#6126

"New Spice Girls line up announced... Parsley, Chives, Cinnamon, Mustard and Mixed Spice were revealed earlier today." Food and Drink

#6127

I get fed up of seeing drinking under 'activities' on Facebook walls. I mean, it's obvious isn't it? If not, they'd die of dehydration. Food and Drink

#6128

In Yorkshire, we just call it pudding. Food and Drink

#6129

"My local was burnt down last night, and I'm absolutely devastated! Can't imagine the thought of a warm beer" Food and Drink

#6130

"I went into KFC and asked for something cheap. "You're slightly overweight" said the man behind the counter" Food and Drink

#6131

Just heard that there is going to be "training for Mars" that's one way to get obese people to exercise. Food and Drink

#6132

"My friend and I both bought burgers. Knowing I don't like the sauce she asked if she could have it. I told her to relish It." Food and Drink

#6133

"My wife left me because of my obsession with Chorizo The silly sausage." Food and Drink

#6134

"I tried to explain to my wife. "You put carrot in carrot cake, Egg in eggnog and cheese in cheesecake" She still didn't like what I did to the chicken for the coq-au-vin." Food and Drink

#6135

"I'm writing a book on Indian curries. Its naan-fiction." Food and Drink

#6136

Isn't it ironic that women are born to cook but when you want good food, in a restaurant, you have to have a man to cook it? Food and Drink

#6137

If you define radius as "z" and thickness as "a" then the volume of a pizza is: Pi*z*z*a. Food and Drink

#6138

"Iceland are now selling boxes of 'authentic Gregg's Sausage Rolls' from the freezer cabinet. They can't really be authentic though, otherwise they'd be lukewarm at one end." Food and Drink

#6139

If you have eaten Lloyd Grossman's sauce and fear Botulism. Please korma down. Food and Drink

#6140

"People kept telling me brown bread is Healthier. Apparently buying a toaster was not the right idea." Food and Drink

#6141

"I was baking a cake and having trouble with the mixing. "Put some welly into it", my girlfriend said so I did. Unfortunately they just made the cake rubbery." Food and Drink

#6142

Definition. Lamb Shank - The art of killing sheep Food and Drink

#6143

"Man walks into the doctors: "I keep getting the urge to graffiti my initials all over my TV screen" Doctor: "Hmm tricky one, have you been eating anything different lately?' Man: "Yes actually, I've been eating lots of Italian food" Doctor: "Tagliatelle?" Food and Drink

#6144

London is quite like a pack of Rowntree's, there are the black ones, that no one really likes, but there are no white ones. Food and Drink

#6145

"Being a creative DJ I covered my record turntables in dried lentils, peanuts, chickpeas, noodles and flaked rice I made a wicked Bombay mix" Food and Drink

#6146

"I'm so hungry. I think it's starting to affect the way I bacon sandwich" Food and Drink

#6147

"Anyone want a plate? Speak now or forever hold your pizza." Food and Drink

#6148

"I'm glad McCain microchips now come in multi packs. If you put all four boxes in at once, you nearly get a full portion." Food and Drink

#6149

"'Wigs for biscuits' by Gary Baldi" Food and Drink

#6150

Being interrogated by the police and ordering a sandwich at Subway are strikingly similar. Food and Drink

#6151

So American company Kraft have bought Cadburys? It was reported that they based this decision on the popular TV adverts Cadburys produce. Although Kraft did think they were buying drum playing gorillas... Food and Drink

#6152

"The local Indian Family in my area are thinking of opening a new Indian restaurant slash brothel. They are going to call it: A Taste of Punan." Food and Drink

#6153

"Race car designers are a boring bunch. I met a group of them at the pub and it was nothing but torque, torque, torque." Food and Drink

#6154

"The evidence points to me that I was very drunk last night. Seeing as the 'Magic carpet' I woke up hugging is a stolen doormat." Food and Drink

#6155

I don't really like spiced chicken but I'll have it on o-Cajun. Food and Drink

#6156

"Blood will be spilled tonight. I just ate KFC's Hot Wings and have hemorrhoids." Food and Drink

#6157

"I had to have a fried egg sandwich for breakfast this morning. Turns out my step-daughter is better than I thought at playing 'hide the sausage'." Food and Drink

#6158

A foreign woman taking a food survey asks a man 'Are you peckish?' the man replies 'No I'm Turkish' Food and Drink

#6159

"I told my wife that if I didn't get a pudding after my dinner she would get a slap. She crumbled." Food and Drink

#6160

"Since Christmas I have managed to lose 10 pounds. I think a fiver a month to Weight Watchers is fair enough for their advice." Food and Drink

#6161

"Recently I've been starring in a series of adverts selling processed meat. I'm a Quorn star." Food and Drink

#6162

"My wife gave me a wicker basket full of cold meats, sandwiches, fruit cake and crockery and told me to take it to the car. I couldn't do it, I was hampered." Food and Drink

#6163

"I went in to a Korean restaurant the other day that had a sign saying "No Dogs" As the kitchen's Health & safety inspector, I later found this out to be a false statement." Food and Drink

#6164

"Lidl are said to be extremely worried about the release of M&S Value products. It might affect the sales of their premium range." Food and Drink

#6165

"Tell you what really helps to combat snacking A Big Mac with Super-Size fries and drink with 20 Chicken Nuggets as a side with all the sauces and 2 McFlurry's" Food and Drink

#6166

So the Americans have now bought Cadbury's. That's the fruit and nut bar gone forever! Food and Drink

#6167

"Putting petrol into a diesel car is like pouring Gin into a woman. You're guaranteed at some point in the night, she's going to breakdown." Food and Drink

#6168

I took the wife to a restaurant. We ordered our food and wait ages for the order to arrive. Finally a young man arrives and places the order on our table. I said to him "Are you the waiter who took my order?" The waiter replied "yes sir, I am." "That's funny" I said, "I was expecting someone much older." Food and Drink

#6169

I hear when John James got out of the Big Brother house, the first thing he wanted to do was put a shrimp on the Barbie. Surely Josie's worth at least two Barbie's? Food and Drink

#6170

The poster at Subway said ''Eat Fresh'' so I did, I went elsewhere. Food and Drink

#6171

"What do you call and old Fashioned cookery equipment song? Ladle vice." Food and Drink

#6172

I'm absolutely gutted. My wife just left me. She took everything except a few Cadburys chocolate biscuits...on the other hand I've more fingers Food and Drink

#6173

"Where do Americans go for seconds of curry? Baltimore." Food and Drink

#6174

"My boss asked me if I liked Thai food. "Yeah, boss. Love it." Then he pointed out that I'd dribbled my lunch down my shirt front." Food and Drink

#6175

I accidently left my lunch in the car today. It`s okay though it was only a couple of hot dogs. Food and Drink

#6176

"Walkers Crisps are sponsoring a ride at Alton Towers this summer season. Air." Food and Drink

#6177

Yay I just brought a bag of air for 75p from the shop!! I got 7 crisps free! : D and a few crumbs Food and Drink

#6178 "I arrived late to work in the kitchens earlier. I hung up my coat and put the herbs I'd bought on the table. 'What time do you call this?' the head chef asked, looking from me to the herbs. 'Well I've got common, lemon and golden.'" Food and Drink

#6179

"Did you hear about the carrot that died???? There was a turn up at the funeral" Food and Drink

#6180

"I went to a Chinese restaurant the other night but I was afraid that my dog wouldn't be allowed to come in. Turned out I was wrong: the minute they saw the dog they became so friendly; they even said they had a special place for him in the kitchen." Food and Drink

#6181

"What do you do if a restaurant serves you bad dumplings? Suet" Food and Drink

#6182

It was covered in disgusting ranch, so I stared at the salad, undressing it with my eyes. Food and Drink

#6183

"Pig 1: What do you think pigs taste like? Pig 2: You remember Madeleine McCann? Somewhere between that and chicken." Food and Drink

#6184

"I tried this new reggae reggae hair dye yesterday. I wouldn't recommend it though, you can still see my roots." Food and Drink

#6185

"Was getting annoyed earlier, every sweet I ate made a little whimpering, moaning sound. Last time I buy Whine gums." Food and Drink

#6186

"A tourist in Ireland is annoyed by the slow service in the restaurant. When the waiter finally shuffles up to the table, the tourist says, "Do you by any chance have hemorrhoids?" "Don't know about that," says the waiter, "but I'll ask in the kitchen." Food and Drink

#6187

"How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden." Food and Drink

#6188

I've got a lovely recipe for a fish stew made with Pollock and dog fish. It's the dog's Pollock's. Food and Drink

#6189

"You are what you eat. Be yourself." Food and Drink

#6190

"I walked into my local chip shop and said, "Just a cod please mate." "Wrapped?" he asked. I said, "No, battered." Food and Drink

#6191

"Hola Hoops have a promotional going: Win a Land Rover in selected packs today! Unfortunately, all the packs in my local shop were just regular size." Food and Drink

#6192

"I was working in the mess hall of my Army base, and my Commanding Officer walked up to me.'I'll have a cheeseburger and fries,' he said. I said, 'Is that an order?'" Food and Drink

#6193

"Told my bird to go make me a sandwich earlier. Stupid Parrot never gets the bacon right." Food and Drink

#6194

"Just shared a banana with my dad. He had the inside bit again." Food and Drink

#6195

If anybody knows any good salad Jokes then lettuce know Food and Drink

#6196

I like drinking in Free houses, but tougher squatting laws have made it very difficult. Food and Drink

#6197

Sleep is like coffee for people who have too much time on their hands. Food and Drink

#6198

If bars won't serve drunk people, why does McDonald's serve fat people? Food and Drink

#6199

"A tasty Chinese snack that helps you shed weight too... Dim sum lose some" Food and Drink

#6200

There was a Family of Wotsits driving along and they see another Family. They pull over and ask, 'do you want a lift?' and the Family reply, 'no thanks, we're Walkers' Food and Drink

#6201

"Two bags of crisps are walking down the street, A car pulls up and the driver offers them a lift, No thanks they reply, we`re walkers" Food and Drink

#6202

"Burger King, KFC and McDonalds catering for those without a palate................................................. We know who you are......so do you......." Food and Drink

#6203

"I was carefully examining my tomato plants looking for caterpillar tracks. When I got run over by a tank." Gardening

#6204

"What have Gardening tools and People got in common? The Hoes are always with the Spades." Gardening

#6205

My wife said she's leaving me because of my unHealthy obsession with plants. I said where's this stemming from petal? Gardening

#6206

Here in Britain, men go down to the garden shed to get away from the kids and their mother. Gardening

#6207

Whenever I need help with my gardening, I just go out in my short skirt, bend over to pick some weeds and soon enough I've loads of helpers. Gardening

#6208

"I hate my part time job as a leaf blower, the pay is terrible. But if I was a gardener, I would be raking it in." gardening

#6209

"I was watching UK Border Force last night. The team was in Dover and they put in a nice selection of bedding plants and a small box hedge." Gardening

#6210

"I was gardening when I saw I had left an empty patch. So i put a rose bush there thinking 'Thistle do'" gardening

#6211

"What is the difference between a shovel and a spade? The Americans did not elect a shovel as president in 2008" gardening

#6212

"I heard about people talking to their plants so I went out and bought one. I haven't watered it for a week now. Oh it'll talk. Eventually." Gardening

#6213

"I used to have a job making furniture out of plants. I'll tell you, it was no bed of roses." Gardening

#6214

I'm certain more of my house plants would survive if they had the ability to beg for water and food like my kids do. Gardening

#6215

"I've got some landscape gardeners in at the moment, and was quite surprised when Didier Drogba turned up in the van with them this morning. It turns out he is what they use to roll the lawn." Gardening

#6216

"I woke up at 5am to harvest and re-plant my rice this morning. By 5pm I should be ready to harvest it again. By 6pm I think I will be about ready to kill myself. Oh well, at least my cottons coming along nicely." Gardening

#6217

"'I'm suffering a mole problem, he gives out confidential information to other gardeners'" gardening

#6218

"I have planted a Bay tree in my back garden. I can't wait till it grows its first window." Gardening

#6219

"The drought prevention wardens said they'd had an anonymous tip-off that I'd got a sprinkler. I said yes, you would too if you had prostate cancer." Gardening

#6220

"I screwed up my nicotine patch today. Added too much water to the soil." Gardening

#6221

"I'm not really bothered about the hose pipe ban. I was going to start jet washing my lawn from 30 meters away this summer anyway." Gardening

#6222

"I used to be a gardener. But I lost the plot." Gardening

#6223

"So if flowers have both male and female parts, but it's bees that actually do the pollinating, does that make it some kind of threesome?" gardening

#6224

As I walked through the garden today I tripped and landed in the herb section. Surprisingly, I broke all of my ribs along with some fingers and both wrists. I guess I must have fallen on hard thymes. Gardening

#6225

"What has my daughter got in common with my garden? The Family dog is happy to bury his bone in either." Gardening

#6226

"I bought some seeds at the garden centre earlier today, and rushed back to plant them. The next morning, I found several Israeli children running around my yard. It was to be expected, I suppose. The seeds I bought were Jew-nippers." Gardening

#6227

Just letting you all know I'm in hospital. Don't panic, I just poisoned myself. I ate what I thought was an onion. Turned out 2 be a daffodil bulb. Should be out by spring. Gardening

#6228

What I don't know about gardening isn't worth growing. Gardening

#6229

"Nicki Minaj sings about a stupid hoe. A bad gardener always blames their tools." Gardening

#6230

"I went to a 'bush n garden' convention the other day , it was ridiculous I couldn't get a word in hedge ways ." gardening

#6231

We were going to slab out the back, but the wife said sod it. Gardening

#6232

My mate recently had a nasty accident with a lawnmower. They had to do a com-post mortem. Gardening

#6233

"Save a tree... ...Kill a vegetarian" gardening

#6234

I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my kids do. Gardening

#6235

"I was doing the gardening this afternoon when a frog intentionally threw himself under my lawn-mower. I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide." Gardening

#6236

"There's actually a really quick way to tell if your house is haunted. It isn't." Ghosts

#6237

"Serial Killer" is a bit strong. I prefer the term "Ghost Manufacturer" Ghosts

#6238

"Walking home last night I saw a dead baby ghost on the pavement... Although on reflection it could have been a handkerchief." Ghosts

#6239

"Son: Are Ghosts real? Dad: Of course not. Son: But the maid said they are. Dad: Son pack your bags....we don't have a maid" Ghosts

#6240

"I always test psychics with a knock knock Joke. If they say "Who's there?" I get up and leave." Ghosts

#6241

"My mate just came round looking like he'd seen a ghost. "I just had a séance on my own," he whispered. "I know," I replied. "You've Ouija self." Ghosts

#6242

"What do you call it when a ghost comes in and steals all of your stuff? Paranormal Blacktivity." Ghosts

#6243

"I was recently noticing strange happenings in the home, I'd wake up and furniture had moved, lights were on, and many other different strange things. My mate referred me to an exorcist, now, I didn't believe in the idea he could do anything but, I was willing to try anything. To my surprise, he was completely successful, and I've had nothing strange happen, however. A bill came through the door for 2,500. I had no chance of paying this! I rang the exorcist up to try and sort something out, but nothing could be done so, he's coming down tomorrow to repossess the house." Ghosts

#6244

"I thought I'd seen the ghost of my dead girlfriend the other day. I walked into my lounge and she was just floating there, all pale and cold looking. Turns out she'd hung herself earlier from a beam in the ceiling and I'd forgotten to take her down." Ghosts

#6245

"Very interesting thing, the paranormal. I have a book on it. I didn't buy it, it just turned up in my room one day." Ghosts

#6246

"I went round my gran's last night. She suddenly started crying and said, "Ignore me - I'm just a silly sentimental old fool." So I switched the tally on and watched the football." Ghosts

#6247

"My mate is haunted by a ghost which plays on his Xbox all night. It needs to get a life." Ghosts

#6248

"Sky News: 'Paranormal activity sweeps America' If I was a ghost, I'd do something scarier than just tidy houses." Ghosts

#6249

Thought I saw a ghost yesterday. Then I realized that there are still one or two white people still living in Brixton. Ghosts

#6250

A ghost walks through a bar... Ghosts

#6251

"My wife is very spiritual. She's dead." Ghosts

#6252

"I don't think I've ever been as miserable as when I got stuck in a lift with two Ghosts the other day, But when it started moving, it really lifted the spirits." Ghosts

#6253

"I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the spirit of my former girlfriend materialize at the foot of my bed. I was utterly terrified, I just didn't ex spectre." Ghosts

#6254

I don't like haunted houses I'm afraid. Ghosts

#6255

"I'm being haunted by the ghost of Maurice Gibb. He gives me the ebebeegees" Ghosts

#6256

"I tried to hold a séance last night. After two hours, all I'd managed to do was talk to three window cleaners. That's the last time I muck around with a squeegee board." Ghosts

#6257

"An English golfer's mate is permanently banned from Royal St Georges after yesterday's ghostly clubhouse events. At one point staff said books and objects were flying at them from all sorts of mysterious angles. In the end they found out it was an Ian Poulter's guest." Ghosts

#6258

"I don't trust Ghosts. You can see right through them" Ghosts

#6259

"Was trying to find a ghost earlier when a poltergeist appeared. I thought "That's the spirit" Ghosts

#6260

I've tried pretending not to be a ghost but people saw right through me. Ghosts

#6261

"I've recently had my house exorcised by a Priest due to some strange events. He wanted 200 paying in the next week for his duties. However when I told him I couldn't pay this, he came back and re-possessed my house." Ghosts

#6262

"Our neighbours house is getting repossessed... It's such a shame, I never got to meet their first Ghosts" Ghosts

#6263

"A ghost just floated past me and it was perfectly horizontal. I think it was a spirit level." Ghosts

#6264

"A ghost floats into a bar. The barman says, "Who ordered a spirit?" Ghosts

#6265

"Why don't poltergeists ever just give people a pat on the back or a hand job. Nice people die as well." Ghosts

#6266

I had a contest with the Grim Reaper to see who could throw the best carnival. He won - mine was an fte worse than Death's. Ghosts

#6267

"The Sun: WOMAN HAUNTED BY GHOST 'I walked into the kitchen, turned the light on and suddenly there was a loud bang and all the lights and everything went out, it was very scary ' Erm, it's called a power cut love." Ghosts

#6268

"I've just seen 'Ghost' again. It's a lot scarier now Patrick Swayze's' really dead." Ghosts

#6269

"I've made up one of those notices to stick on my door and keep away the 'trick or theaters'. It says 'Ring the bell to get your parents a job'." Ghosts

#6270

"I don't believe in Ghosts don't tell anyone though - they're always the first to go" Ghosts

#6271

"After an hour of holding a séance in my friend's marijuana plantation, we finally gave up after no contact was made with the Ghosts. Despite this, spirits were high" Ghosts

#6272

"MSN NEWS: 'Ghosts' captured on film: real or fake? Doesn't that question kind of answer itself?" Ghosts

#6273

"The other day me and my friends were 'talking to spirits' in an old prison. Hesitantly I asked, "how many of you are here? Knock one out for each person". For the next 4 hours there was constant bangs, I guess he'd taken my Request literally." Ghosts

#6274

Having finally given up my drug addiction, I dumped my weed in a house haunted by Ghosts and now my spirits are high. Ghosts

#6275

"Being a ghost, it's difficult pretending to be someone you're not. People see straight through you." Ghosts

#6276

"What do you get if you drop a bag of Maltese's at a Weight Watchers meeting? A real life game of Hungry Hungry Hippos." Health

#6277

"My blood test results said my blood had zero antigens. I thought that must be a typo." Health

#6278

"My Granddad always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your Health." So one day, while I was watching my Health, someone stole my money. It was my Granddad." Health

#6279

"I eat an apple every day. The wife's a doctor." Health

#6280

"I was standing in the bus queue the other day behind a pregnant lady. Trying to appear friendly, I asked her, "When are you due?" It was then that I realized that she wasn't pregnant, just really fat, but luckily I managed to cover my tracks by adding, "...for another snack?" Health

#6281

"Obesity in America is escalating... It's too lazy to take the stairs." Health

#6282

"I have a friend who is always being taunted because he is fat. I asked him how he doesn't get upset by all the nasty remarks, and he said he takes it on the chin.

I wonder which chin he takes it on?" Health

#6283

Good Health is just the slowest way to die. Health

#6284

"I'm sick of people telling me I'm a weakling so tonight I went to the gym. After a light warm up, I steadied myself, put both hands on the metal bar and heaved with all my might. I strained and I strained but still, no matter how hard I tried, I could not get it to budge. Eventually one of the burly staff members came over and said... "Stop pulling on the door mate, we're closed." Health

#6285

"What do call a chip pan in Glasgow containing no chips? Soup." Health

#6286

"There is currently one thing which prevents me from going to Fat Fighters. The front door." Health

#6287

Men who have six pack abs and care about them very much, will cover them in a thick layer of fat. Health

#6288

"Dawn French was dropped twice as a baby. Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki." Health

#6289

This new research into how subliminal advertising is taking over our minds is a load of local singles in my area. Health

#6290

The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works non-stop, from the time you're born until....you fall in love. Health

#6291

Jogging: it won't help your face, luv Health

#6292

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. Health

#6293

"My wife has become so fat, I said to her "You are starting to look like my ex-wife". "But you only have ever been married to me". She replied "Yes, I know" Health

#6294

I saw a fat kid today... I had to run home to make sure mine hadn't escaped Health

#6295

I lost my Donor card yesterday and they got one of my kidneys before I could cancel it. Health

#6296

"Me and my wife just had a blazing row 'cause she says I'm just a fat slob I don't know what she's talking about, I do 100 sit-ups every morning, trying to get out of bed" Health

#6297

"Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air." I actually tried this action. It was only after I cut off my hands that I realized I could no longer throw them. Health

#6298

When you get out of bed in the morning, can you count that as a sit up? Health

#6299

"I just saw an advert for Lana cane to stop chafing. Alternatively, fat people could buy clothes that fit." Health

#6300
When you bust open a packet of soothers suddenly everyone has a bad throat Health

#6301

"To all those who have sponsored me to run the Great North Run to raise money for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness. I've decided not to run; I'm a bit tired and can't really be bothered." Health

#6302

Self-harm Jokes aren't funny. But if you do happen to make one, don't beat yourself up over it... Health

#6303

To me, good exercise is soaking in a tub, pulling the plug, and fighting the current! Health

#6304

"I go to the gym because deep down we all know when the aliens come their going to eat the fatties first." Health

#6305

"I went to get my body waxed yesterday, they did a really bad job. Oh well I should have gone to pushovers." Health

#6306

"My white friend called his black fitness instructor a slave driver the other day! Is it just me or does anyone else see the Irony here?" Health

#6307

"I've found it a lot easier to pick up women since I've been going to the gym. Sometimes I even challenge myself with a fat one." Health

#6308

Owen Hargreaves signing a 'pay as you play' contract makes you think he'd be better off just signing on. Health

#6309

"What is food waste called in America? Salad." Health

#6310

"I recently got fired from my job as a doctor, apparently when asked what exactly is a cesarean, replying "have you ever seen the film alien" is not the response there looking for..." Health

#6311

"My wife asked for jewelry for her birthday, so she was quite upset when I bought her a steel bar which fixes into door frames. "What do you expect me to do with it?" She asked angrily. "Come on love, chin up." Health

#6312

"Baa baa alopecian sheep, have you any wool? No, Sir." Health

#6313

"I'm on a Health drive. I was going to walk but I'm too fat and lazy." Health

#6314

"I've heard exercise kills germs. But how do you get them to exercise?" Health

#6315

"Health & Safety. We'll save your life with our rules, but after following them, you'll probably want to die." Health

#6316

Fat Jokes just bounce off me, like pretty much everything else. Health

#6317

"Scientists have just confirmed that they are about to start studies on the female brain. This comes after a decade of trying to locate it." Health

#6318

Just been to the Doctors, He was very impressed with my footwear, He said i had Healthy shoes. Health

#6319

"I went to weight watchers and I lost 30 pounds. Unfortunately, I only found out when I opened my wallet when I got home." Health

#6320

"What's the definition of risk? All Londoners are fat, lazy overweight virgins who spend the whole day on their computers, wasting away their lives minute by minute. They need a life and a girlfriend! Joke by A fielding, 23 St Margaret's Road, Twickenham, London, England" Health

#6321

"Why did the princess never brush her hair? She had leukemia." Health

#6322

"I like to monitor and record my progress down the local gym. I did great this morning - I almost reached the door!" Health

#6323

"I have a huge series of stretch marks all over my body that's the last time I try to get ripped in less than four weeks." Health

#6324

"Weight Watchers should use Club Penguins slogan...'Waddle around, and make new friends'" Health

#6325

Don't you think it's funny that in the Olympics black people are good at all the running events and white people are good at all the shooting events? Health

#6326

"What religion do fat people follow? Must-slim" Health

#6327

"My Grandma was having a stroke yesterday, using her initiative and thinking of the advert, she mumbled out "Think F.A.S.T" Then hit me in the head with a lamp." Health

#6328

"How do you kill a fat man? Murder" Health

#6329

"I want to use my new Health & Fitness DVD but I can't. I've lost the remote." Health

#6330

Being very Health and safety conscious, I put rock salt all over a huge Ice patch in my local area. I prevented a lot of people slipping over but, on the down side, I'm now banned from the Ice rink. Health

#6331

"I am starting University in a few weeks' time and I was told to get some posters to spice up my room. I saw an Adele poster that looked great, the only problem is that I don't think it will fit on my wall." Health

#6332

"I absolutely REFUSE to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories" Health

#6333

The main issues with making your own toothpaste are finding a strong enough blender, and enough teeth that people don't need. Health

#6334

"An obese guy was asked "why are you so fat?" He replied "because ((-1)/64)"." Health

#6335

Isn't it ironic that fat people wear joggers? Health

#6336

"It's not nice to make fun of people in wheelchairs, my dad's got a wheelchair... He nicked it off a crippled child" Health

#6337

My wife went to the doctor to ask for a facial surgery. He told her he'd make a 40% discount if she brings the dynamite herself. Health

#6338

"I saw a woman at the gym who was looking a bit bewildered. I walked over and said "Hi, you must be new". She laughed and said "Is it so obvious?" "Yes" I replied "You're seriously out of shape"." Health

#6339

"I was speaking to my blonde sister the other day whilst watching Maury. As we both were watching a morbidly obese woman come onto the set, I said to her ''that fat woman makes me feel like throwing up''. She looked at me disgusted, and yelled ''don't be racist!'' I laughed at her stupidity, then turned to her and said, ''They don't matter, even if fat people were a race, they'd lose anyway''." Health

#6340

"My girlfriend is getting a bit chubby, so I've bought her some running gear so she can go jogging. And I can change the locks." Health

#6341

"I guess I'm going to have to get my hands dirty." I chuckled. Anyway, that was my last day as a Gynecologist." Health

#6342

Why is it that everybody that wants me to sponsor them to do the Run for Life looks like running for a bus would kill them? Health

#6343

"My New Year's resolution was to get personal trainers for me and my wife. It seems silly to share a pair when our feet are completely different sizes." Health

#6344

"I phoned up my physiotherapist earlier to get advice on new exercises. 'What's the best way to do chin-ups?' I asked. 'Hang on a minute...' 'Cheers,' I said and hung up." Health

#6345

"My gym has the nicest people working there. I drive by and wave every day." Health

#6346

I love those new Dyson hand dryers. From now on I'm definitely gonna start washing my hands when I've been to the toilet. Health

#6347

"When I worked as a personal trainer my job was to help people with their fitness goals. Once this large woman said to me, "Can you help me define my abs?" "Certainly," I said, "podgy, sloppy and disgusting." Health

#6348

Just been entered into the Health Lottery, Or trying to get into a doctors practice as it is known round here. Health

#6349

Humans: doing it wrong since Eve went on a Health kick. Health

#6350

I got up this morning and ran around the block 4 times! Then I got tired, so I picked it up and put it back in the toy box! Health

#6351

"Recent research suggests that a three minute burst of intense activity once a week could give noticeable benefits in fitness and weight loss. That's all very well but some of us are married." Health

#6352

"My doctor told me that I'm chronically unfit and I need to start doing an activity at least three times a week that gets my heart pumping and brings me out in a sweat. Snorting cocaine it is then." Health

#6353

Just heard that there is going to be "training for Mars" that's one way to get obese people to exercise. Health

#6354

"I was shocked to realize I had lost two stones when I was at weight watchers the other day I bought four at the off - a couple must have fell out the carrier on the way" Health

#6355

"My wife has just done a 2 year stretch. She takes her exercise far too seriously." Health

#6356

"I think my doctor fancies me. He said I have acute paranoia." Health

#6357

Archaeologists have discovered a toilet which they believe to be constructed between 700 and 600 BC. Even back then plumbers took their time. History

#6358

"Everyone knows Christopher Columbus was responsible for one of History's biggest blunders. Discovering America." History

#6359

The form of the pyramids of Egypt tells us that even in the earliest times, workers had tendency to work less every day. History

#6360

Apparently writing Adolf Hitler as who you aspire to become is a good way to get suspended from school. History

#6361

"Obama and wife too later congratulate newlyweds Harry and Kate" could this be the first time Americans were late to support the British in a national event?" History

#6362

God must have loved the Africans. He gave them beautiful landscapes, majestic wildlife, valuable mines as well as a tremendous physical strength. Mind you, he did give us guns and chains. History

#6363

"Over 700 years of repression from the British, the Irish have their revenge. Jedward." History

#6364

"Benjamin Franklin Huge stoner. Do you know how stoned you have to be to think about electricity? When there's no electricity." History

#6365

"When it comes to marriage, I'm very old Fashioned and traditional. I have them beheaded if they can't give birth to a boy." History

#6366

"A Russian girl the other day asked me, "Who was Lenin?" I was quite amazed, it's like a German asking who Hitler was, or a Chinese person asking who Genghis Kahn was, or an American asking who Ronald Macdonald was." History

#6367

I was thrilled when I heard about In Private browsing. I've cleared my History so many times it's forgotten who the Romans are. History

#6368

"I've just invented a time machine and I'm using it to steal money from everybody in the past. It's part of my campaign to make History poverty." History

#6369

"What were King Harold's last words? "I spy with my little eye something beginning with A" History

#6370

Experts are worried that Pompeii is falling down due to neglect. Pompeii, a 2,000 year old city that was destroyed by a volcano. History

#6371

"That's me off to Germany on holiday; Superior beer and overall a more superior people. Well, according to this 1936 tour guide." History

#6372

"There's a plaque on the deck of HMS Victory where Nelson fell. I'm not surprised he fell, that plaque's right where people are walking." History

#6373

"One day, a French spy received a coded message from a M16 British agent. It read: S370HSSV_0773H. The spy was stumped, so he sent it to his similarly clueless boss, who forwarded it to Russia. The Russians couldn't solve it either so they asked the Germans. The Germans, having received this same message during WWll from the Brits, suggested turning it upside down." History

#6374

"All these anti-sematic Jokes are disgusting. Anne Frank will be spinning in her oven." History

#6375

If History has taught us anything, it's about things that happened in the past. History

#6376

"Bonfire night parties. Making it Ok to be drunk and in charge of explosives since 1605." History

#6377

"In a History lesson today, the teacher asked us what we thought was the most horrific war ever. Apparently ' The Battle of Isengard' was not a valid answer." History

#6378

"I like queuing, my dad likes queuing, and my granddad loved queuing. What I'm saying is I come from a long line of people who like queuing." History

#6379

"Famous Last Words Anne Boleyn: "Henry! I am NOT giving you head!" History

#6380

In 2000 years' time, historians studying the national census will think we murdered all the Jedi. History

#6381

"I've never understood how Ireland managed to have a "Potato Famine". That's not a famine. That's just living without potatoes and having extra portions of carrots for a while." History

#6382

"They say we should never meet our heroes. What a relief, mine died 67 years ago." History

#6383

I plan to celebrate Columbus day this year by walking into a stranger's house and telling them that I live there now. History

#6384

"They should stop teaching History in schools. It's spoiled the end of loads of movies for me." History

#6385

"149 B.C. Frosties breakfast cereal is invented by Alexander the Grrrrrrrreeat" History

#6386

"'Silence is a woman's glory' Aristotle. A man ahead of the times" History

#6387

On a scale of 0 to Anne Boleyn how off your head were you last night? History

#6388

"I punched a German philosopher in the face the other day. I was arrested for crimes against Nietzsche." History

#6389

"Zeus sent women to be a punishment for men, they were a nuisance so men couldn't live with them but they were dependent so men couldn't live without them. At least they got one thing right" History

#6390

They say that History never repeats itself, that's probably because I delete it before it has a chance to, History

#6391

"The wife showed me a picture of a Gaudi designed building in Barcelona and said "what's it called?" I couldn't name it, but it did look Familia." History

#6392

"The Costa Concordia disaster appears to have been caused by the captain failing to turn in time. Strange that. The Italians turned very quickly in World War II." History

#6393

"Does anyone else think that Hitler would have still been keen to create a blonde haired blue eyed master race had he seen John and Edward on the X factor? Me neither." History

#6394

History. Or as it used to be called: the present. History

#6395

"They say those who don't learn from History are doomed to repeat it. I didn't learn a thing from History in school, am I going to start wars and kill millions of Jews?" History

#6396

"I just changed History Oh I do love Wikipedia" History

#6397

"My wife just left me because of my apparent obsession with Tudor times. However, I got the last laugh. I sat on her out of the window when she was leaving." History

#6398

"Smokeless anthracite has been mined in the USA since 1790. Entrepreneurs made a fortune selling it to Red Indian tribes who weren't on speaking terms." History

#6399

It seems that Honest Abe was a big fan of the rap-rock genre. The question is, when attending a concert, where did Linkin Park? History

#6400

Museums are things of the past. History

#6401

"My great granddad used to wonder the streets of London at midnight giving money to waitresses. He was called jack the tipper." History

#6402

English men lead the Australian race. History does repeat itself. History

#6403

"I've made lots of little clay models of dinosaurs. They are all from the Pleistocene epoch." History

#6404

"It's the Stone Age. A caveman's wife comes running up, screaming: "Ugg! Ugg! A saber-toothed tiger has just walked into my mother's cave!" Ugg is unimpressed: "Stupid tiger. It'll just have to fight its own way out, won't it?" History

#6405

"What's the difference between Call of Duty and the Holocaust? In Call of Duty, camping keeps you alive." History

#6406

"I've just got back from a History exhibition at the Albert Hall, I found the whole thing a total disappointment... Hitler's ball was nowhere to be seen." History

#6407

"I don't think my granddad ever mentioned the war to me. But I don't speak German, so I could be wrong." History

#6408

"I will go down with this ship, I won't put my hands up and surrender there will be no white flag above my door 'Cause I'm not French, and never will be." History

#6409

"If we didn't kill Hitler we'd all be speaking German" No, we'd be dead.... he killed himself. Everything would be just the way it is." History

#6410

"What's got one head and 13 brains? Peter Sutcliffe's hammer! History

#6411

"I need a Jew" I told my wife today "why" she asked "our new shower system needs testing" History

#6412

"I once knew a cat called Lenin. It got diarrhea so we renamed it Trotsky..." History

#6413

"I just saw an advert on Facebook urging me to 'Discover America'. They should really remove ads that are more than 500 years old." History

#6414

"Scientists are now saying that Mary Magdalene was edited out of The Last Supper painting. I disagree. Who do you think made the supper?" History

#6415

"My taste in women is a lot like my Joke History. They both suck" History

#6416

I've always wondered why Vietnam needs so many vets and why they all live in the US. History

#6417

"I wonder how many people standing on the earth in 1870 predicted that less than 100 years later there would be a man standing on the moon. Whose name was Buzz?" History

#6418

"'BBC News - Ancient Britons 'Drank from skulls' ... That's nothing new, haven't they been to the north after chucking out time?'" History

#6419

"BBC SPORT: 'Pompey fans wary of share offer' Pompey fans? Don't they know Caesar already won?" History

#6420

"People keep saying that the wheel is the best invention ever. Have these people ever tried to ride a unicycle?" History

#6421

"I have 1 comment about your browsing History. Nothing says everything." History

#6422

"I'm considering spending the weekend at a castle. I've heard the knight life is really good there." History

#6423

"My granddad used to say "If it wasn't for me you'd all be speaking German." Well it's not like German people are speaking English." History

#6424

Don't you think it's a bit of a coincidence that the battle of Hastings happened on the same date as the number of the Hastings Direct website? History

#6425

"It's Bully from Bulls eye!" I exclaimed as I saw the small statuette. "You aren't really an expert in Cretan archeology are you?" replied the museum director." History

#6426

"There is nothing more tedious than having to listen to someone telling you what they dreamed of last night. Martin Luther King found that out the hard way." History

#6427

"I've never understood why people were so angry about Margaret Thatcher back in the day, She was only a minor problem" History

#6428

The Bronze Age is the third best age in History History

#6429

"67 years late, a memorial to RAF Bomber Command will be unveiled at Green Park. It replaces the previous one. Dresden." History

#6430

The only reason we, the French army surrendered to the Germans was because the American government phoned us and said it was coming to Rescue the situation. History

#6431

"I've been fired because I set my standards too high. I'm gutted, I loved working at The Battle of Bosworth site." History

#6432

Rosa Parks didn't call shotgun. History

#6433

"While visiting relations in South Africa, I decided to look up the Family tree. Darwin was right. There were monkeys swinging in its upper branches." History

#6434

"Black people got the vote in 1870. Women got the vote in 1917. Welsh people got the vote in 2011. Just in case you were wondering where you stood." History

#6435

Imagine how frightened those boys on the Normandy Invasion must've been, and they died bravely fighting off an American & British invasion. History

#6436

"My Great Great Granddad was killed at The Battle of the Little Bighorn He wasn't involved in the battle, He was camping in the field next door and went to complain about the noise." History

#6437

"Philistine: A person lacking in or hostile to culture. How can an entire civilization lack culture?" History

#6438

"Britain, Post-War, 1946. Letters and mailbags thrown left, right and centre for several weeks." History

#6439

"I just subjected my wife to what we laughingly call a 'Pearl Harbour'. It's a surprise Nip Attack." History

#6440

"Well it's that time of year to go out joy riding...bonfire night. It's the only time they don't send out the police helicopter." History

#6441

"Historically, Things tended to happen in the past." History

#6442

I wondered if Henry IV ever signed any orders 'HIV'. Probably - he had aides. History

#6443

It's Gregor Mendal's 189th Birthday. Being that old, no wonder he smells like pea. History

#6444

"What's the difference between Elvis , and Rudolf Hess ? Elvis didn't come to Scotland to sing" History

#6445

The time when the suffragettes were campaigning for the vote was the only time many women stuck to their diets. History

#6446

"Why would Glyptodonts make excellent models? They're Pleistocene!" History

#6447

"The girl at the Ryan Air check-in desk said, "Window or aisle?" I replied, "Window or you'll what?" Holidays

#6448

"I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage. I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer. He said, "You don't have much of a case." Holidays

#6449

"I was arguing with the wife about Holidays the other day. I want to go to Morocco; she wants to come with me." Holidays

#6450

"My wife's going on a vacation to 'get a break from my constant jealousy'. I wish I was going on a vacation." Holidays

#6451

No one ever mentions the 1000 miles of trouble free luxury cruising before the iceberg..... Holidays

#6452

"After a terrible six year battle with cancer, my wife lay on her deathbed. Unfortunately I could not make out her last words. You don't get a very good signal in the Caribbean and the Jet Ski was a little loud." Holidays

#6453

I once went on an 18-30 holiday, which was fun, but 12yrs is just too long. Holidays

#6454

"My wife and I just had a blazing argument over the phone. She's accusing me of being a money waster and now she's genuinely worried that the kids will miss out this Christmas. It's put a real dampener on my trip to Las Vegas." Holidays

#6455

"A young guy turns up at a hotel reception: "I'd like a single room, please." "Certainly, sir," says the receptionist. "With bath or shower?" The guy is a bit short of cash, so he asks, "What's the difference?" "You have to stand in the shower," says the receptionist." Holidays

#6456

"Lying on the beach this girl asked me to spray her back. Bit of a Misunderstanding and now I'm in police custody" Holidays

#6457

I'd love to reduce my carbon footprint, but it costs 120 to buy a train ticket from London to Newcastle or 2 to fly there via Barcelona. Holidays

#6458

"Went to the Canary Islands last year for a week, and I didn't see a single canary. So, I'm off the the Virgin Islands this year. Can't wait!" Holidays

#6459

I want to take a day trip to Calais, can anyone tell me if it's cheaper to sail with P&O or Air France these days? Holidays

#6460

"I'll never forget the time I had to use an oxygen mask for an Easy jet flight. It was just after the help-desk told me how much the baggage fees were." Holidays

#6461

"I just went on a so called 'Once in a lifetime holiday' I'm never going to do that again." Holidays

#6462

"How to spice up a beach holiday -Put a fin on your back and pretend to be a shark.-Get out of the water and act mentally handicapped. -Repeat until no one reacts to the sight of a fin. -Unleash a Great White shark into the water. -Sit back and watch the drama unfold." Holidays

#6463

"The hotel I was staying at last night screwed up my booking so they had to put me in the honeymoon suite. It was excellent. I was staying with a lovely young couple from Devon." Holidays

#6464

"I hate all confectionery... bar humbug." Holidays

#6465

What's the betting that most of these people moaning about being stuck abroad are the same people who usually come back and complain that a week wasn't long enough? Holidays

#6466

International Women's Day?. Might as well call it laundry day. Holidays

#6467

"BBC News: UK Families Travel Hundreds of Miles a Year with Day Trips for Kids Say what you like about Josef Fritzl's. At least he had a low carbon footprint." Holidays

#6468

"I've just come back from a diving holiday in Egypt. It cost me an arm and a leg." Holidays

#6469

"I was looking for cheap flights online and tried to log into 'skynet.com' I've just had some big Austrian bloke at the door asking if I know someone called Sarah Connor." Holidays

#6470

"My girlfriend was flirting with everyone while we were on holiday in Belarus. The little Minsk." Holidays

#6471

Why oh why do people run out of the sea when it starts to rain? Holidays

#6472

"I told my wife to spin the globe, put her finger on it and wherever it lands that will be the holiday destination. ''Oooo!'' she says excited, ''Looks like it's the Caribbean.'' ''Great.'' I replied, ''Now let's see where I'm going.''" Holidays

#6473

"During a recent trip to Glasgow, I laid eyes on the most beautiful sight I ever saw in my life. It was a sign that said "You are now leaving Glasgow." Holidays

#6474

"My sister is going on holiday tomorrow. I'm so jealous; Heathrow sounds lovely at this time of year." Holidays

#6475

Remember! Christmas is for months, not just for Christmas. Holidays

#6476

If you've ever been single on Valentine's Day, you'll know what it's like to be diabetic at Easter. Holidays

#6477

Summer vacations: where you drink triple, see double and act single. Holidays

#6478

"I'm taking a gap year next year......then a Nike year, followed by a reebok year." Holidays

#6479

"My wife's gone to Jordan" "Amman?" "No, she's just got big hands, but you're not the first to ask." Holidays

#6480

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face, it won't help at all but at least we won't hear you screaming" Holidays

#6481

"I came home tonight and said to the wife, "Guess what babe? I've booked us a holiday!" She said, "You're kidding! Where are we going?" I said, "Well let me put it this way. Do you like camel trekking?" She said, "Oh my God! India? Africa?" I said, "No, Blackpoll. It's the cheapest way to get there." Holidays

#6482

"My friend was off on holiday for a week so I bid him farewell:- "See you later mate, don't do anything I'd do!" "Don't you mean 'Don't do anything I wouldn't do?'" "Um, well unless you'd do your mum and your ten year old sister then, no." I don't think I'll be seeing much of him anymore." Holidays

#6483

I booked a flight the other day and the lady said, "What side do you want to sit on" and I said" The inside" Holidays

#6484

"Booked myself a holiday in Spain today. Should've just used a travel agent in England, took me ages to get here." Holidays

#6485

"I hate the school Holidays. It's only 9o'clock in the morning and there's kids playing football in the street already. I wish they would go find something better to do, and let me drink my beer in peace." Holidays

#6486

"My friend bungee jumped off Blackpool pier. I was quite impressed. I would not dare go to Blackpool." Holidays

#6487

6 star hotels are a bit overrated. Holidays

#6488

"When we get back from being abroad on holiday. My wife always reminds me of a Christmas decoration. Round, red, shiny and covered in cheap gold." Holidays

#6489

Well I've just Kissed my holiday goodbye. Holidays

#6490

"My wife came home and told me that she had booked us a holiday and it would involve getting on a plane in two weeks. She added, "I know how excited you can get but do try not to show me up." I didn't have time to be annoyed with her comment as I only had 13 sleeps and I needed to pack." Holidays

#6491

"I and the wife were going on holiday for a week. When we were packing she turned to me and said "Why don't we pack each other's suit cases?" I said "Okay sounds fun." When we got ourselves checked into the hotel we were staying at, I opened my suitcase to find 3 pairs of speedos, a few tank tops and 2 pairs of sandals. "Very funny" I said. My wife opened hers to find a one way ticket back to England." Holidays

#6492

"For my Wife's Xmas I booked us a week's holiday in Sharm el Sheikh. As a wee extra I've just signed her up for a 1 week intensive Scuba Diving course." Holidays

#6493

"You know there's nothing in this world that makes me feel quite as happy as when I told my kids that we were going to Disneyland for our Holidays this year It's not the excitement in their faces or how happy they were, it was the total devastation when I told them it was Disneyland Paris" Holidays

#6494

The look on my sister's face when she opens her hair clippers and oxygen canister tomorrow will be interesting. But when I explain it's the foundation of a free trip to Disneyland she won't be as disappointed. Holidays

#6495

"Merry Christmas everyone. And to think, 2010 years ago today... nothing happened." Holidays

#6496

"Every year my mate says he's going on an expensive long-haul holiday, yet every year he ends up camping in Devon. Torquays cheap." Holidays

#6497

"I like my women like Christmas crackers... ...cheap and easy to pull." Holidays

#6498

If you get kidnapped, taken to a foreign country, then released after a while, wouldn't you just stay a bit longer as a free holiday? Holidays

#6499

"My wife was going to leave me if I didn't give up my obsession with the army. So as a romantic gesture, I flew all the way back from Afghanistan to take her on holiday. I probably didn't pick the best destination, Iraq is quite cold at this time of year." Holidays

#6500

"I propose amending the saying the rain, In Spain. Falls mainly, on the plane. To In Brazil, The thunder. Blows planes, into asunder." Holidays

#6501

"Two planes landed back in England today. One was filled with overpaid cabin crew who will strike every other week because life isn't as cushy as it used to be. The other charged me 80 Euro because my bag was 0.2kg heavier than they said it could be. I don't know who I respect more. I'll probably take the ferry next time." Holidays

#6502

In England there's always something wrong in summer either it's the weather or it's the people Holidays

#6503

"My wife and I are going on a Mediterranean cruise this summer. We're looking forward to seeing all the famous landmarks, including a new one on this year's itinerary, the Costa Concordia." Holidays

#6504

I really enjoy giving my son the Christmas feel. Holidays

#6505

"As a result of recession I'm worried about Santa being mugged, so I left 7 land mines on the roof for him, might as well get in there first day!" Holidays

#6506

"Well it's that time of year again... Handing out Sweets to young children. Except this time it's handing them out from my house... And not the back of a van." Holidays

#6507

"When on holiday in Mexico I asked a local why their beaches where so much better than ours. He replied "Theee food, theee sunshine and more exercise senor" Holidays

#6508

"Not sure where to go on holiday this year. It's a choice between Thailand and Australia. So I've drawn up a list, outlining the Pros and Cons." Holidays

#6509

"After he failed to pay for my honeymoon to New York, I have fallen out with my father, but when I was out there I decided to be the bigger man, so I sent him a postcard, Of the World Trade Center, Saying 'wish you were there...'" Holidays

#6510

"I tried to tell my parents that they wouldn't have any reception in the outback. They wouldn't have a bar of it." Holidays

#6511

I went to a hotel the other day, I knocked on the door, no answer, knocked again, still no answer, knocked one more time and an old woman opened the door, she said 'what do you want?' I said 'I want to stay here' she said 'stay there then' and shut the door Holidays

#6512

"A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too." "No, a straw," says the Tramp. The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick. To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already"." Homeless

#6513

"I asked a pretty, young, Homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box." Homeless

#6514

Unbelievable. Tories in power for less than half an hour and already a Scottish Family is unemployed and Homeless. Homeless

#6515

"A Homeless guy just approached me asking for change. I said, "Oh yeah, pal, asking me for money but I see you can afford those trendy jeans with the rips in." Homeless

#6516

"I volunteered to do a stint in a soup kitchen. At closing time, they get quite resentful when you say, "Come on, some of us have got homes to go to." Homeless

#6517

"I was gonna give my change to a Homeless guy today, but his sign said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." So I held onto it, just in case he was right." Homeless

#6518

"Why did the tramp cross the road? To get to the other Cider." Homeless

#6519

"What is the best thing about dating a "Homeless" woman? You can drop her off anywhere." Homeless

#6520

Has anyone else noticed the Irony that the preferred drink of London's Homeless community is called Tenants? Homeless

#6521

"I always try and date Homeless girls. It's easier to get them to stay over." Homeless

#6522

Some smelly Homeless loser stopped me in the street yesterday and asked "'ave you got ten pence for a cup of tea guv?" so I said " yes here's twenty, get me one" Homeless

#6523

"At the tube station earlier I saw a Homeless man sitting on the floor with a three legged dog next to a sign that read: "Help, I'm starving." He can't be that hungry, he hasn't even finished his dog." Homeless

#6524

I wonder where 90% of the Homeless have THEIR accidents. Homeless

#6525

"My wife said she's leaving me because I act like a tramp. I begged her not to go." Homeless

#6526

"There was a demonstration by Homeless people in town today. They were demanding change." Homeless

#6527

"A Homeless guy knocked on my door last night: "Excuse me, do you have any spare food?" "Yeah, do you mind if it's yesterday's dinner?" "Not at all." "Come back tomorrow then." Homeless

#6528

"I was on a date with a bird I met outside the supermarket. I confided, "I have to admit, I've spent a small amount of time inside." "Oh my god!" she shrieked. "You've been to prison?" I said, "No, I'm Homeless." Homeless

#6529

Homeless people. Lighten your load by not buying a dog. Homeless

#6530

"When I see Homeless people on the streets with their empty cups, I like to chip in. It's certainly cheaper than crazy golf." Homeless

#6531

My wife wants a divorce because I keep making Jokes about the Homeless. She must be overreacting because it's not a big issue. Homeless

#6532

Statistically, the Homeless 8/10 dumpsters the other day. Homeless

#6533

Solve the world's problems, Make the Hungry eat the Homeless Homeless

#6534

"Overhead power Cables Putting the amps into tramps." Homeless

#6535

"I dropped my wallet earlier and a Homeless man chased me down to give it back. I was so amazed I took out all of my money and gave him a free wallet." Homeless

#6536

"I got stopped by a Homeless guy today. "Can you spare me something for a cup of tea?" he asked. I gave him half my Twix." Homeless

#6537

"What do tramps do in this cold weather? Die." Homeless

#6538

I was waiting at a bus stop the other day and couldn't help wondering, "If I was a tramp, would I be home by now". Homeless

#6539

"I said to a guy "I've had more women than you've had hot dinners". I now realize tramps don't have a sense of humour." Homeless

#6540

"This bloke came up to me in the street today with his hand held out and said, "Fifty pence for a cup of tea mate." I said, "Go on then, milk two sugars." Homeless

#6541

"Studies have proven that cats are smarter than dogs. How many cats do you see sat by a Homeless person?" Homeless

#6542

A tramp asked me for a pound yesterday. I asked him if he`d got change for a twenty. Homeless

#6543

I picked up a sandwich in the local Subway earlier... I'm a tramp Homeless

#6544

"I was taking a walk along the street yesterday when I bought a copy of the Big Issue from a bloke. The bloke said, "It's my last copy mate". I said, "Lucky you! You'll get home early tonight then" Homeless

#6545

Homeless Guy goes to the Doctors, The Doctor examines him and says, "Here take this three times a day with water", "What is it?" asks the Homeless Guy, Doctor Replies "Soap" Homeless

#6546

"I walked past a beggar today with a dog. I thought, "how can he afford to keep a dog if he can't even afford to feed himself?" Some people have got more money than sense." Homeless

#6547

"The biggest cause of Homeless peoples deaths? My hammer." Homeless

#6548

I truly admire the ambition of beggars who sit beside ATMs Homeless

#6549

"More rioting set for London streets. Here is the postcode for your sat nav. N16 6ER." Homeless

#6550

"The Fosters advert shows Brits asking two Aussies for social advice. Surely that's like asking a Homeless person for advice about mortgages." Homeless

#6551

"A bloke knocked at the door this morning collecting for the Homeless. So I gave him some old cardboard and my daughter's recorder." Homeless

#6552

"I hate when jobless people say they're 'between jobs' you never hear a tramp saying "I'm between homes"." Homeless

#6553

"I feel bad for the Homeless. They'll never be able to enjoy a glade plug in!" Homeless

#6554

Begging for spare change in the street must be very humiliating. For this reason, before I hand over my 10p, I make the tramp do a little dance for me and my mates. That way, he has provided a service and has earned the money, thereby gaining some self-respect. Homeless

#6555

Mortgages in Britain are getting more expensive by the day but you try explaining to a Homeless person how lucky they are, they just don't appreciate it Homeless

#6556

"I knew my new girlfriend was desperate for it, from the moment she approached me with her first chat up line. "Any change mate?" Homeless

#6557

"There was a French Homeless man down my local high street who claimed for a quid we could see the "biggest shoe" complete con man, I ended up walking off aggrieved with a poor quality magazine" Homeless

#6558

"I saw in the news today that the Russian government has introduced a new program to deal with the problem of Homeless people in the Moscow area. They call it "winter"." Homeless

#6559

"I set up a game of "Pick the hat" on the street yesterday. A tramp came up and after I performed my little show I asked, "So, which hat?" He looked confused and just walked away. I guess beggars can't be choosers." Homeless

#6560

I'm surprised all the Homeless people don't rob as much as they do. If they get away with it great, if not they end up inside. It's a win situation. Homeless

#6561

"I saw a man huddled up in a shop doorway today, and he said, "Enough money for a cup of tea sir?" "Yes, I have actually", I replied, feeling rather smug, as I walked on by." Homeless

#6562

Tramps...when given 'change for a cuppa' why not put it towards a kettle and teabags. Its far more economical long term. Homeless

#6563

I feel sorry for the people who sell the Big Issue, most of them have been trying to sell their last copy for the past 2 years. Homeless

#6564

"I asked a Homeless guy where he was from. He said, "I'm originally from just outside." Homeless

#6565

When Moat shot himself apparently, he Roauled over. Homeless

#6566

"A report has found that Homeless people are more likely to believe in God than non-Homeless people. That beggars belief." Homeless

#6567

"I've just seen a dead tramp floating down a river. He was a lonely drifter." Homeless

#6568

The BBC are to commission a new TV show about tramps on heroin. It's called Bins & Needles. Homeless

#6569

"Recently I've been doing my bit to help stop the onslaught of global warming. Not because I care about the environment; I just hate the Homeless." Homeless

#6570

"My 5 year old came back from school today with a picture he had drawn of our Family. He obviously knows about our financial problems because we're all standing outside of our house." Homeless

#6571

"Where would you find a black Jewish tramp? Stealing from the bargain bin." Homeless

#6572

A Homeless guy came up to me the other day, and he was asking me for money. I was about to give it to him, and then I thought, 'He's just gonna use it on drugs or alcohol.' And then I thought, 'that's what I'm gonna use it on. Who am I to judge the guy, really?' Homeless

#6573

"I only go for women who I know will be dirty in bed. Generally, Big Issue sellers." Homeless

#6574

"There are thousands of starving Homeless people on the streets of London, there are also thousands of unwanted stray pets on the streets of London. Does it really take a genius to work out the solution?" Homeless

#6575

"Where do you find a Homeless women? In the soup kitchen" Homeless

#6576

Don't you just hate how over-reactive Homeless people are? They make a big-issue about everything! Homeless

#6577

"A tramp stopped me in the street earlier. "Any odd change on you mate?" He frowned. "Only even sorry," I replied." Homeless

#6578

"I had between 5 and 6 whisky chasers last night. I really wish the off license wasn't next to the Homeless shelter." Homeless

#6579

"Did you know?.... ...that if we collected together all of the money from wasted electricity in one day.... ....and gave it to the Homeless.... .....they'd probably spend it on booze." Homeless

#6580

"I tried to get the local tramp to play football down the park, He had a couple of good games but ended up on the bench for the rest of the day." Homeless

#6581

How come all the supposedly Homeless people in London seem to be sleeping in doors? Homeless

#6582

Advice for enterprising tramps and Homeless. Invest in a card swipe machine for those awkward occasions when your target 'doesn't have any change' on them. Homeless

#6583

"Just walked out of the shop and tramp approached me and said, "Have you got a spare cigarette?" I said, "Hang on a minute, mate," as I took a full pack from my pocket and opened them... I said, "No, mate, there's only 20 in it." Homeless

#6584

"I saw a tramp today who had a rough beard, torn clothes and long dirty fingernails. I could smell him a mile away and he looked freezing. Totally helpless he was, I felt sorry for him. Glad I'm not like that, I'd hate to be in his shoe." Homeless

#6585

"A beggar asked me today if I had any spare change. I told him that I was sorry and that I'd left it at home in my spare wallet." Homeless

#6586

"Walking through town today and my girlfriend said she felt sorry for all the Homeless people. I thought "Get a grip. Look how much money they save on house insurance" Homeless

#6587

"Apparently Premier Inn's now got a franchise that caters for the Homeless as well. It's called Premier Out." Homeless

#6588

Top Tip- Big Issue publishers, help the Homeless by giving them something to sell that people might actually want to buy. Homeless

#6589

"I like to do my bit to help get the Homeless off the streets... A couple of laxatives in their meths usually does the trick." Homeless

#6590

"I find it quite difficult to feel sorry for the Homeless in this type of weather. I mean, it's not like I can even see them buried under the 16 inches of snow anyway." Homeless

#6591

"Did you know that 90 percent of of all accidents occur in the home? It's a fun fact, and it's also the line I use to cheer up a Homeless guy when I don't want to give him any money." Homeless

#6592

'Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near'...I sang to the crazy old Homeless woman who feeds the pigeons Homeless

#6593

So I was talking to this Homeless guy on MSN and I thought "Wait a minute..." Homeless

#6594

"High winds severely damaged a Homeless shelter in northern England on Monday. Rescuers are on the scene with new boxes and sticky tape." Homeless

#6595

"Was playing bingo with a Homeless man today. After a few numbers he remarks, "I've got a line." I said "Yeah. Well I've got a house." Homeless

#6596

"After spending a week in London I saw many sad, Homeless people. Which made me realize how fortunate I really am. I never have to go back there again." Homeless

#6597

"What could we all do to help the Homeless population in this country? I think it's a big issue." Homeless

#6598

I don't know why, but on the London underground all the dogs seem to have pet tramps. Homeless

#6599

So I'm walking down the street and this man is sitting on the floor outside JD sports with a blanket, a dog, a guitar and a bucket of money. Suddenly, in a spontaneous act of kindness he lifts up the bucket and says "spare change", so I haistely grabbed a handful and treated myself to a McDonalds. Homeless

#6600

"I was at a Calvin Harris gig the other day and the announcer said "please, give a big London welcome to Calvin Harris!", so I stuck my hand out and asked for spare change" Homeless

#6601

"They say 'beggars can't be choosers' I disagree, I gave a tramp a fiver yesterday and I'm pretty sure he choose to buy smack with it." Homeless

#6602

"I went to the box office earlier, or as Homeless people call it, the estate agents." Homeless

#6603

"I don't know why everyone complains about petrol being so dear at 1.40 a Litre. It's 15 for a Litre of Vodka!" Homeless

#6604

You know when you've got a bad hangover when the 'Big Issue' bloke gives you a quid........... Homeless

#6605

"I have decided, I am not going to give money to Homeless people anymore. Instead I'm going to give them a house brick as a first step toward owning their own home." Homeless

#6606

"As it is the festive season I gave 2 quid to a Homeless midget and he thanked me in French. I'm always grateful for small Mercy's." Homeless

#6607

"I've got one more Big Issue to sell then I can go home. Oh wait...." Homeless

#6608

"A Homeless man caught me with a Jewish girl sitting on my face. It made me feel sorry for him. At least I had a Ruth over my head." Homeless

#6609

Homeless people-You wouldn't be half as poor as you are if you didn't waste all your money on sharpies and cardboard. Homeless

#6610

"I only date Homeless girls. They are absolutely filthy in bed." Homeless

#6611

"I painted a Homeless guy who was asleep on a park bench tonight. If he's still there tomorrow, I'll give him another coat." Homeless

#6612

"What did the Homeless man get for Christmas? Nothing." Homeless

#6613

"My parents were so proud of me when I told them I got a job working for a well-known magazine in the sales department. It just sounds so much better than 'Big Issue seller'" Homeless

#6614

"Shelter have issued a press release to warn of how bad a harsh winter can be for rough sleepers. It's an absolute pack of lies; we're only 3 weeks into the cold-snap and already the number of Homeless people has fallen dramatically." Homeless

#6615

"I was walking down the street, then a Homeless man said to me, "Can you please spare me a sorry?" I said, "What?" He said, "I beg your pardon." Homeless

#6616

"I walked past a Homeless man today and he shouted to me, 'Have you got a pound for a sandwich?' I replied, 'Show me the sandwich and i'll give you a pound for it!'" Homeless

#6617

"I spent a week working in the Salvation Army laundry. I now know what they mean by 'skid row'." Homeless

#6618

"Why don't you see many Homeless black guys? Would you smile if you were Homeless and black?" Homeless

#6619

"While walking through town a tramp asked "Any spare change mate?" I replied "Yes, I've got over 170 in a bottle at home"." Homeless

#6620

"It's said that opposites attract, which is true with me and my wife. She likes to help Homeless people back onto their feet, whilst I like to kick them to the ground." Homeless

#6621

I wonder how long it will be until Tramps accept Chip n Pin. Homeless

#6622

I hate going to the club with Homeless people. They don't have a roof to raise, which makes them horrible dancers. Homeless

#6623

Alcohol hand rub confuses the Homeless. Homeless

#6624

All the tramps in Sheffield are really shifty. I know they're selling something on street corners but every time I get close they either hide it under their jackets or run away. I can't see what the big issue is! Homeless

#6625

"I walked up to a tramp today and said, "If you answer this question correctly, you will be in with a chance of winning one million pounds. Would you like to try?" His eyes lit up, "Yes please!" I said, "Right then. What is 50p + 50p?" He screamed, "One Pound!" So I give him one and told him to go buy a Lottery ticket." Homeless

#6626

"I was walking past a tramp earlier, but ignored him as I was in a rush. 'How do you sleep at night?!' he shouted at me. 'In wonderful comfort thanks,' I said, 'how about you?'" Homeless

#6627

I would never work as a big issue seller, it's so badly paid, and everyone who does it seems to end up Homeless. Homeless

#6628

"If you're Homeless it may feel that the whole world is looking down on you. But that's only because you're sitting on the ground." Homeless

#6629

"Living rough in a cardboard box has its advantages. Whenever I take a bird back and nail them they usually don't like to stick around for cuddles." Homeless

#6630

Why is everyone making such a big issue out of Homelessness? Homeless

#6631

"A tramp came to me and said, "alright mate do you want to buy some weed from me? I need to pay for a room tonight and its top stuff." I turned to him and said, "there's a cop there, say that to him and you'll be inside for a while." Homeless

#6632

"I used to like walking around insulting hobos. But I got bored because it seemed like the insults never hit home." Homeless

#6633

"I was walking down the road with my work colleagues when a Homeless guy came up to me and asked, "Can you spare some coppers?" "Yes", I replied, "Arrest that smelly tramp"." Homeless

#6634

"A study shows that lots of time spent outdoors leads to better eyesight. Which explains why you never see a Homeless guy in Specsavers." Homeless

#6635

"Queues of people camped outside the Stadium of Light in Sunderland to get their hands on Take that tickets. One local resident said it was the best standard of living she'd ever experienced." Homeless

#6636

"I love it when you're just strolling down the high-street, and someone offers you a freebie. Like earlier, there was this funny looking geezer waving a hat full of 10p's at me, very nice of him." Homeless

#6637

For sale: tumble dryer, sleeps one. Homeless

#6638

"I was walking through the park and I saw an old guy doing Tai Chi. I watched him for a while, marveling at his moves. Only when I got closer did I see it was a tramp trying to put on his coat." Homeless

#6639

"A tramp stopped me in the street and asked if I had any loose change. I jiggled my trouser pocket and said, "It appears that I do." I thanked him for his interest and walked on" Homeless

#6640

"I'd love to help the Homeless people.... I just don't know where they live." Homeless

#664

"I was in London the other day and this tramp came up to me and said, "Mister, I haven't tasted food in a week." I said, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same." Homeless

#6642

79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, good news for the Homeless. Homeless

#6643

"A man approached me in the street. "Can you spare 20p please? I'm Homeless." I said, "You won't find a house for 20 pence around here mate." Homeless

#6644

Wouldn't tramps make more money if they stopped working from home? Homeless

#6645

I was wondering if my shoes looked too tight because every time I walk through town I seem to get some Homeless crack junky asking me if I want to buy a bigger shoe. Homeless

#6646

"I came out of Woolworths the other day and saw a scruffy bloke. He was playing the guitar and singing, "When I was young, seemed like life was so wonderful, a miracle, it was beautiful, Magical." I said, "That's Super tramp", he said, "Ah thanks very much"." Homeless

#6647

"Saw a hobo walking down the street the other day wearing only one shoe. "You alright mate?" I asked "Have you lost your shoe?" He replied "No I found one..." Homeless

#6648

Some smelly Homeless loser stopped me in the street yesterday and asked "'ave you got ten pence for a cup of tea guv?" so I said " yes here's twenty, get me one" Homeless

#6649

"At the tube station earlier I saw a Homeless man sitting on the floor with a three legged dog next to a sign that read: "Help, I'm starving." He can't be that hungry, he hasn't even finished his dog." Homeless

#6650

I wonder where 90% of the Homeless have THEIR accidents. Homeless

#6651

"My wife said she's leaving me because I act like a tramp. I begged her not to go." Homeless

#6652

"There was a demonstration by Homeless people in town today. They were demanding change." Homeless

#6653

"A Homeless guy knocked on my door last night: "Excuse me, do you have any spare food?" "Yeah, do you mind if it's yesterday's dinner?" "Not at all." "Come back tomorrow then." Homeless

#6654

"I was on a date with a bird I met outside the supermarket. I confided, "I have to admit, I've spent a small amount of time inside." "Oh my god!" she shrieked. "You've been to prison?" I said, "No, I'm Homeless." Homeless

#6655

Homeless people. Lighten your load by not buying a dog. Homeless

#6656

"When I see Homeless people on the streets with their empty cups, I like to chip in. It's certainly cheaper than crazy golf." Homeless

#6657

My wife wants a divorce because I keep making Jokes about the Homeless. She must be overreacting because it's not a big issue. Homeless

#6658

Statistically, the Homeless 8/10 dumpsters the other day. Homeless

#6659

"I've just walked up to a freezing tramp holding a Big Mac and a cup of coffee. I asked, "Are you hungry mate?" He smiled reservedly and answered, "Yes, I'm starving." "Well I don't usually help your kind out," I said, "But, about 100 yards down there, you can probably find the gherkin I chucked from this burger." Homeless

#6660

"I just told my mate that I mugged a Homeless guy. He says I have big issues." Homeless

#6661

"They say 'there's no such thing as a free lunch' I beg to differ, literally, I'm a tramp." Homeless

#6662

I saw two Homeless people kissing the other day. I said, "get a room." Homeless

#6663

"I've just seen a guy lying on a bit of cardboard in a subway, playing a harmonica to earn some money. It's nice to see not every one's out of work because of the recession." Homeless

#6664

Solve the world's problems, Make the Hungry eat the Homeless Homeless

#6665

"Overhead power Cables Putting the amps into tramps." Homeless

#6666

"I dropped my wallet earlier and a Homeless man chased me down to give it back. I was so amazed I took out all of my money and gave him a free wallet." Homeless

#6667

"I got stopped by a Homeless guy today. "Can you spare me something for a cup of tea?" he asked. I gave him half my Twix." Homeless

#6668

"What do tramps do in this cold weather? Die." Homeless

#6669

I was waiting at a bus stop the other day and couldn't help wondering, "If I was a tramp, would I be home by now". Homeless

#6670

"I said to a guy "I've had more women than you've had hot dinners". I now realize tramps don't have a sense of humour." Homeless

#6671

"This bloke came up to me in the street today with his hand held out and said, "Fifty pence for a cup of tea mate." I said, "Go on then, milk two sugars." Homeless

#6672

"Studies have proven that cats are smarter than dogs. How many cats do you see sat by a Homeless person?" Homeless

#6673

A tramp asked me for a pound yesterday. I asked him if he`d got change for a twenty. Homeless

#6674

We must all do our part in the battle to curtail the increasing problem of anti-social begging on our streets. We must make it clear we will not surrender our hard earned cash to these ubiquitous beggars. When I am asked for change in the street, I let them know in no uncertain terms they will not be receiving a penny from me by quickening my pace, looking at my shoes and mumbling "sorry, no". Homeless

#6675

"Dogs are clever because they mark their territory with urine. They pee on it, they think it's theirs. Imagine if people did that, the Homeless would own everything." Homeless

#6676

How come tramps are such good guitarists? Homeless

#6677

"I find my girlfriend is becoming increasingly dirty in bed. Mind you, she is Homeless after all." Homeless

#6678

"On the box of matches I bought it says Danger Fire Kills Children! That's misleading because it had the same effect on the tramp I set fire to." Homeless

#6679

"I never give money to Homeless people because, 1. They probably make more money than I do. 2. They get to work from home. 3. They drink on the job." Homeless

#6680

"A guy went into a bar and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber." Curious, the guy asked, "What do you have there?" The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The guy responded, "Let me take a look." So the drunk handed it over and the guy rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste. I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" The drunk replied, "Out of my nose"." Homeless

#6681

I picked up a sandwich in the local Subway earlier... I'm a tramp Homeless

#6682

"I was taking a walk along the street yesterday when I bought a copy of the Big Issue from a bloke. The bloke said, "It's my last copy mate". I said, "Lucky you! You'll get home early tonight then" Homeless

#6683

Homeless Guy goes to the Doctors, The Doctor examines him and says, "Here take this three times a day with water", "What is it?" asks the Homeless Guy, Doctor Replies "Soap" Homeless

#6684

"I walked past a beggar today with a dog. I thought, "how can he afford to keep a dog if he can't even afford to feed himself?" Some people have got more money than sense." Homeless

#6685

"The biggest cause of Homeless peoples deaths? My hammer." Homeless

#6686

I truly admire the ambition of beggars who sit beside ATMs Homeless

#6687

"More rioting set for London streets. Here is the postcode for your sat nav. N16 6ER." Homeless

#6688

"The Fosters advert shows Brits asking two Aussies for social advice. Surely that's like asking a Homeless person for advice about mortgages." Homeless

#6689

"A bloke knocked at the door this morning collecting for the Homeless. So I gave him some old cardboard and my daughter's recorder." Homeless

#6690

"I hate when jobless people say they're 'between jobs' you never hear a tramp saying "I'm between homes"." Homeless

#6691

"I feel bad for the Homeless. They'll never be able to enjoy a glade plug in!" Homeless

#6692

Begging for spare change in the street must be very humiliating. For this reason, before I hand over my 10p, I make the tramp do a little dance for me and my mates. That way, he has provided a service and has earned the money, thereby gaining some self-respect. Homeless

#6693

Mortgages in Britain are getting more expensive by the day but you try explaining to a Homeless person how lucky they are, they just don't appreciate it Homeless

#6694

"I knew my new girlfriend was desperate for it, from the moment she approached me with her first chat up line. "Any change mate?" Homeless

#6695

"There was a French Homeless man down my local high street who claimed for a quid we could see the "biggest shoe" complete con man, I ended up walking off aggrieved with a poor quality magazine" Homeless

#6696

"I saw in the news today that the Russian government has introduced a new program to deal with the problem of Homeless people in the Moscow area. They call it "winter"." Homeless

#6697

"I set up a game of "Pick the hat" on the street yesterday. A tramp came up and after I performed my little show I asked, "So, which hat?" He looked confused and just walked away. I guess beggars can't be choosers." Homeless

#6698

I'm surprised all the Homeless people don't rob as much as they do. If they get away with it great, if not they end up inside. It's a win win situation. Homeless

#6699

"I saw a man huddled up in a shop doorway today, and he said, "Enough money for a cup of tea sir?" "Yes, I have actually", I replied, feeling rather smug, as I walked on by." Homeless

#6700

Tramps...when given 'change for a cuppa' why not put it towards a kettle and teabags. Its far more economical long term. Homeless

#6701

I feel sorry for the people who sell the Big Issue, most of them have been trying to sell their last copy for the past 2 years. Homeless

#6702

"There's that old cliché of a Dad not having much faith in his son, but my Dad always inspired and encouraged me. Like the time when he said to me 'Son, I want you to go far.' He then handed me a train ticket to London, handed me my already-packed bags, and shut the door in my face. What a guy." Homeless

#6703

"I asked a Homeless guy where he was from. He said, "I'm originally from just outside." Homeless

#6704

When Moat shot himself apparently, he Roauled over. Homeless

#6705

"A report has found that Homeless people are more likely to believe in God than non-Homeless people. That beggars belief." Homeless

#6706

"I've just seen a dead tramp floating down a river. He was a lonely drifter." Homeless

#6707

The BBC are to commission a new TV show about tramps on heroin. It's called Bins & Needles. Homeless

#6708

"Recently I've been doing my bit to help stop the onslaught of global warming. Not because I care about the environment; I just hate the Homeless." Homeless

#6709

"My 5 year old came back from school today with a picture he had drawn of our Family. He obviously knows about our financial problems because we're all standing outside of our house." Homeless

#6710

"Where would you find a black Jewish tramp? Stealing from the bargain bin." Homeless

#6711

A Homeless guy came up to me the other day, and he was asking me for money. I was about to give it to him, and then I thought, 'He's just gonna use it on drugs or alcohol.' And then I thought, 'that's what I'm gonna use it on. Who am I to judge the guy, really?' Homeless

#6712

"I only go for women who I know will be dirty in bed. Generally, Big Issue sellers." Homeless

#6713

"There are thousands of starving Homeless people on the streets of London, there are also thousands of unwanted stray pets on the streets of London. Does it really take a genius to work out the solution?" Homeless

#6714

"Where do you find a Homeless women? In the soup kitchen" Homeless

#6715

Don't you just hate how over-reactive Homeless people are? They make a big-issue about everything! Homeless

#6716

"A tramp stopped me in the street earlier. "Any odd change on you mate?" He frowned. "Only even sorry," I replied." Homeless

#6717

"I had between 5 and 6 whisky chasers last night. I really wish the off license wasn't next to the Homeless shelter." Homeless

#6718

"Did you know...that if we collected together all of the money from wasted electricity in one day.... ....and gave it to the Homeless.... .....they'd probably spend it on booze." Homeless

#6719

"I tried to get the local tramp to play football down the park, He had a couple of good games but ended up on the bench for the rest of the day." Homeless

#6720

How come all the supposedly Homeless people in London seem to be sleeping in doors? Homeless

#6721

Advice for enterprising tramps and Homeless. Invest in a card swipe machine for those awkward occasions when your target 'doesn't have any change' on them. Homeless

#6722

"Just walked out of the shop and tramp approached me and said, "Have you got a spare cigarette?" I said, "Hang on a minute, mate," as I took a full pack from my pocket and opened them... I said, "No, mate, there's only 20 in it." Homeless

#6723

"I saw a tramp today who had a rough beard, torn clothes and long dirty fingernails. I could smell him a mile away and he looked freezing. Totally helpless he was, I felt sorry for him. Glad I'm not like that, I'd hate to be in his shoe." Homeless

#6724

"A beggar asked me today if I had any spare change. I told him that I was sorry and that I'd left it at home in my spare wallet." Homeless

#6725

"There's an old trampy guy who lives in a battered old shed near me. He's always smiling. The other day I said to him, "What's the secret of happiness, mate?" He said, "Throw away all your possessions!" I said, "How can that make you happy?" He said, "I need your tally and video for my shed!" Homeless

#6726

"Walking through town today and my girlfriend said she felt sorry for all the Homeless people. I thought "Get a grip. Look how much money they save on house insurance" Homeless

#6727

"Apparently Premier Inn's now got a franchise that caters for the Homeless as well. it's called Premier Out." Homeless

#6728

Top Tip- Big Issue publishers, help the Homeless by giving them something to sell that people might actually want to buy. Homeless

#6729

"I like to do my bit to help get the Homeless off the streets... A couple of laxatives in their meths usually does the trick." Homeless

#6730

"I find it quite difficult to feel sorry for the Homeless in this type of weather. I mean, it's not like I can even see them buried under the 16 inches of snow anyway." Homeless

#6731

"Did you know that 90 percent of all accidents occur in the home? It's a fun fact, and it's also the line I use to cheer up a Homeless guy when I don't want to give him any money." Homeless

#6732

'Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near'...I sang to the crazy old Homeless woman who feeds the pigeons Homeless

#6733

So I was talking to this Homeless guy on MSN and I thought "Wait a minute..." Homeless

#6734

"High winds severely damaged a Homeless shelter in northern England on Monday. Rescuers are on the scene with new boxes and sticky tape." Homeless

#6735

"Was playing bingo with a Homeless man today. After a few numbers he remarks, "I've got a line." I said "Yeah. Well I've got a house." Homeless

#6736

"After spending a week in London I saw many sad, Homeless people. Which made me realize how fortunate I really am. I never have to go back there again." Homeless

#6737

"What could we all do to help the Homeless population in this country? I think it's a big issue." Homeless

#6738

I don't know why, but on the London underground all the dogs seem to have pet tramps. Homeless

#6739

So I'm walking down the street and this man is sitting on the floor outside JD sports with a blanket, a dog, a guitar and a bucket of money. Suddenly, in a spontaneous act of kindness he lifts up the bucket and says "spare change", so i haistely grabbed a hand full and treated myself to a McDonalds. Homeless

#6740

"I was at a Calvin Harris gig the other day and the announcer said "please, give a big London welcome to Calvin Harris!", so I stuck my hand out and asked for spare change" Homeless

#6741

"They say 'beggars can't be choosers' I disagree, I gave a tramp a fiver yesterday and I'm pretty sure he choose to buy smack with it." Homeless

#6742

"I went to the box office earlier, or as Homeless people call it, the estate agents." Homeless

#6743

"I don't know why everyone complains about petrol being so dear at 1.40 a Litre. It's 15 for a Litre of Vodka!" Homeless

#6744

You know when you've got a bad hangover when the 'Big Issue' bloke gives you a quid........... Homeless

#6745

"I have decided, I am not going to give money to Homeless people anymore. Instead I'm going to give them a house brick as a first step toward owning their own home." Homeless

#6746

"As it is the festive season I gave 2 quid to a Homeless midget and he thanked me in French. I'm always grateful for small Merci's." Homeless

#6747

"I've got one more Big Issue to sell then I can go home. Oh wait...." Homeless

#6748

"A Homeless man caught me with a Jewish girl sitting on my face. It made me feel sorry for him. At least I had a Ruth over my head." Homeless

#6749

Homeless people-You wouldn't be half as poor as you are if you didn't waste all your money on sharpies and cardboard. Homeless

#6750

"I only date Homeless girls. They are absolutely filthy in bed." Homeless

#6751

"I painted a Homeless guy who was asleep on a park bench tonight. If he's still there tomorrow, I'll give him another coat." Homeless

#6752

"What did the Homeless man get for Christmas? Nothing." Homeless

#6753

"My parents were so proud of me when I told them I got a job working for a well-known magazine in the sales department. It just sounds so much better than 'Big Issue seller'" Homeless

#6754

"Shelter have issued a press release to warn of how bad a harsh winter can be for rough sleepers. It's an absolute pack of lies; we're only 3 weeks into the cold-snap and already the number of Homeless people has fallen dramatically." Homeless

#6755

"I was walking down the street, then a Homeless man said to me, "Can you please spare me a sorry?" I said, "What?" He said, "I beg your pardon." Homeless

#6756

"I walked past a Homeless man today and he shouted to me, 'Have you got a pound for a sandwich?' I replied, 'Show me the sandwich and I'll give you a pound for it!'" Homeless

#6757

"I spent a week working in the Salvation Army laundry. I now know what they mean by 'skid row'." Homeless

#6758

"Why don't you see many Homeless black guys? Would you smile if you were Homeless and black?" Homeless

#6759

"My mum used to say I'd never amount to anything. If only she could see me now, with my very own bed in the Homeless shelter." Homeless

#6760

"I saw a Homeless guy sat in a doorway, holding his hand out. So I pulled some loose change out my pocket and handed him fifty pence. He pointed to a pound coin and said "Can I have that?" I said, "Beggars can't be choosers mate." Homeless

#6761

We've all been told to feel sorry for the Homeless, but how can we when they have better Christmas lights than we do Homeless

#6762

"I helped a Homeless guy move house today. I kicked his cardboard box out of my shop doorway." Homeless

#6763

"I've decided to become a true humanitarian and support a shelter for the Homeless in my neighborhood. It'll keep the flies away from my house." Homeless

#6764

"Those Big Issue sellers need to move with the times. Getting up early to sell magazines on the streets - why don't they use eBay from the comfort of their homes? Then they'd have time for a bath and a shave too." Homeless

#6765

"Today I was in a really happy mood. I decided to go on my casual stroll around my area, you know? Breathe in the fresh air. But then I came across a tramp. "Please Sir, can I have some money? My bank account has been hacked into and I've lost my house, car, bed and everything!" So, me being generous, I gave him a 1000 cheque. You should have seen the look on his face." Homeless

#6766

"If you can't afford an Xbox or PS3 I've found a cheaper way you can entertain yourself. Drop pennies in the middle of multiple Homeless people. Same thing applies gary glitter, his mates, and a small child. And Fat fighters and a cupcake. Ethiopians and food." Homeless

#6767

"Change is good... ...ask a tramp." Homeless

#6768

Anyone else see the Irony in tramps drinking Tenants? Homeless

#6769

"I've just been sniffing glue with all the local tramps. We're out of our boxes!" Homeless

#6770

"The best player in our football team is a tramp, he learned his skills on the street and has wonderful ability. The only problem is he never turns up for home games." Homeless

#6771

"As I was walking through central London in the early hours of this morning, I kept seeing people sleeping in shop doorways and alleys. I thought they would've been grateful when I woke them up to tell them that they had missed the royal wedding and it was time to go home, but if anything it just seemed to leave them feeling distressed." Homeless

#6772

"I got told by a tramp that I socialize too much. I said 'you can't talk, you're out all the time'." Homeless

#6773

"People say that I'm not very charitable. Usually the Homeless after I punch them." Homeless

#6774

"I've just been arrested for feeding a wagon wheel to a Homeless guy. Apparently he got a splinter in his mouth." Homeless

#6775

"I walked up to a tramp holding out a fiver. As he smiled at me, I said "Got any change?" Homeless

#6776

"I've got a bone to pick with you "said the generous tramp. Homeless

#6777

"While walking through town a tramp asked "Any spare change mate?" I replied "Yes, I've got over 170 in a bottle at home"." Homeless

#6778

"Its said that opposites attract, which is true with me and my wife. She likes to help Homeless people back onto their feet, whilst I like to kick them to the ground." Homeless

#6779

I wonder how long it will be until Tramps accept Chip n Pin. Homeless

#6780

I hate going to the club with Homeless people. They don't have a roof to raise, which makes them horrible dancers. Homeless

#6781

Alcohol hand rub confuses the Homeless. Homeless

#6782

All the tramps in Sheffield are really shifty. I know they're selling something on street corners but every time I get close they either hide it under their jackets or run away. I can't see what the big issue is! Homeless

#6783

"I walked up to a tramp today and said, "If you answer this question correctly, you will be in with a chance of winning one million pounds. Would you like to try?" His eyes lit up, "Yes please!" I said, "Right then. What is 50p + 50p?" He screamed, "One Pound!" So I give him one and told him to go buy a Lottery ticket." Homeless

#6784

"I was walking past a tramp earlier, but ignored him as i was in a rush. 'How do you sleep at night?!' he shouted at me. 'In wonderful comfort thanks,' I said, 'how about you?'" Homeless

#6785

I would never work as a big issue seller, it's so badly paid, and everyone who does it seems to end up Homeless. Homeless

#6786

"If you're Homeless it may feel that the whole world is looking down on you. But that's only because you're sitting on the ground." Homeless

#6787

"Living rough in a cardboard box has its advantages. Whenever I take a bird back and nail them they usually don't like to stick around for cuddles." Homeless

#6788

Why is everyone making such a big issue out of Homelessness? Homeless

#6789

"A tramp came to me and said, "alright mate do you want to buy some weed from me? I need to pay for a room tonight and its top stuff." I turned to him and said, "there's a cop there, say that to him and you'll be inside for a while." Homeless

#6790

"I used to like walking around insulting hobos. But I got bored because it seemed like the insults never hit home." Homeless

#6791

"I was walking down the road with my work colleagues when a Homeless guy came up to me and asked, "Can you spare some coppers?" "Yes", I replied, "Arrest that smelly tramp"." Homeless

#6792

"A study shows that lots of time spent outdoors leads to better eyesight. Which explains why you never see a Homeless guy in Specsavers." Homeless

#6793

"Queues of people camped outside the Stadium of Light in Sunderland to get their hands on Take that tickets. One local resident said it was the best standard of living she'd ever experienced." Homeless

#6794

"I love it when you're just strolling down the high-street, and someone offers you a freebie. Like earlier, there was this funny looking geezer waving a hat full of 10p's at me, very nice of him." Homeless

#6795

"Thieves stole a charity box full of money from a Salvation Army worker. Ironically, the money still went to the Homeless." Homeless

#6796

"I never used to agree with arsonists setting fire to houses, until I became Homeless. Now I've started to warm to them." Homeless

#6797

"Ahh I love April fool's day. Although I prefer to call it "tease the Homeless day" Homeless

#6798

"I saw a poor old tramp in my local supermarket, just looking at all the freshly baked loafs of bread, I approached him, put my arm round him and said, "I'll help you out, which way did you come in?" Homeless

#6799

"Walking down the street this morning, I came across 2 Homeless guys kissing. Disgusted, I told them to 'Get a room'. The expression on their faces were priceless!" Homeless

#6800

"My friend wants to be a bin man when he's older. He's got rubbish aspirations." Homeless

#6801

The trouble with the beggars on the street nowadays is that they just don't look the part. You know, if they just thought to put on a suit or cover up their stump I might send a little cash their way. Homeless

#6802

"I've been down on my luck recently and ended up living in the windmill at a crazy golf course. The owner keeps trying to move me, but I'm staying putt." Homeless

#6803

"I was disgusted as I watched a tramp take a Bigmac out of the bin and start to eat it. But then he took the gherkin out." Homeless

#6804

A Homeless man took his girlfriend in for dinner. Homeless

#6805

I saw a black Homeless midget today. Seriously God, I mean bad luck is one thing but this is just overboard. Homeless

#6806

"I saw a Homeless guy cowering in a doorway holding an old newspaper over his head sheltering from the heavy rain. "I couldn't help but notice but it looks like you could do with a place to take shelter for the night," I said as I leaned in to help him to his feet. "Oh yes, thank you sir," he beamed with a glimmer of hope. "I thought so," I replied, "my neighbours have gone away for the week, If you follow me I think you'll find that their wheelie bin is empty." Homeless

#6807

As my 5 year-old son and I carved the pumpkin today, I swear I heard him say, "That's what happens to snitches." Homeless

#6808

"Walked down an alley full of Homeless people and they wouldn't let me back out. I was boxed in." Homeless

#6809

The other day, I saw a Homeless woman and her child begging for money. I presume it was 'bring your child to work day' Homeless

#6810

Homeless people- more money than sense. Homeless

#6811

"There's this Homeless guy that I always see in my route to work. And because of that I always make sure to keep a few extra coins in my wallet. You know, for show off." Homeless

#6812

I used to like the clean-shaven look, but my new beard is growing on me! Homeless

#6813

Top tip: Picking up aluminum cans along the streets can bring you some extra cash; but by pouring the dregs into a single can, you can stop and refresh yourself from time to time. Homeless

#6814

"Well, didn't get one trick o' treated bothering me last night. I think it's the one night of the year I appreciate being Homeless," Homeless

#6815

"A tramp stopped me in the street and asked, "Any change?" Being a werewolf I advised him to hang on till the full moon, then he'd see plenty." Homeless

#6816

"How can you tell if a beggar is faking it for the money? Tell them a knock knock Joke and see if they answer." Homeless

#6817

"Yay! Sickipedia's back! I don't know what I'd do without Sickipedia... Probably go out, socialize, make some friends, get a girlfriend, and get a job..." Internet

#6818

Following the huge success of Facebook, they are releasing a new website just for the black people among us. The web address is www.junglebook.com Internet

#6819

Intel bought McAfee for USD 7 Billion. Wonder why? They could have simply downloaded it for free. Internet

#6820

"What's the best thing about the new Internet Explorer? You can use it to download Firefox." Internet

#6821

I'm glad to see that Google have not forgotten the issue of third world famine with their logo today; an Ethiopian Family portrait. Internet

#6822

With all these immigrants arriving, I'm beginning to wonder how long it will take Sickipedia to become Sickipedia. Internet

#6823

"Yesterday I set my wife's name to "Hack this if you can". When I checked it today, it was called "Challenge accepted"." Internet

#6824

"The secrets of a happy marriage... Tools, Internet options, Clear History, Delete files, Delete cookies." Internet

#6825

"What is the biggest lie ever? "I have read and agree to the terms of use." Internet

#6826

"I've just come out of a coma after 14 years, and Windows 95 was my idea." Internet

#6827

"What's the difference between my girlfriend and Sickipedia? My girlfriend only goes down on my birthday." Internet

#6828

Sometimes when my Internet is down, I forget that the rest of my computer still works. Internet

#6829

"hypocrisy |hipkris| noun ( pl. -sies) the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behaviour does not conform; e.g. forming a website by changing the 'w' in 'Wikipedia' to an 's' and adding a 'c', then complaining about duplication, plagiarism and copyright theft." Internet

#6830

"Our Sickipedia which art online, shallow be thy name. Thy sickos come, thy will be done, at home as it is online. Give us this day our daily Library gag. And forgive us our duplicates, as we forgive them that duplicate against us. And lead us not into statistics, but deliver us from burial. For thine is the domain, the power tool, and the glory hole, for ever and ever. Amen." Internet

#6831

"Well, after years of making sick Jokes on the Internet and Sickipedia about thalidomide and spastic kids, my wife went for an ultrasound today and the doctor's told us our baby has Down's Syndrome. This must be God's way of providing me with more material." Internet

#6832

Do Carlsberg do servers by any chance? Internet

#6833

"Like most people on Sickipedia I hate these constantly copied Joke formats." Internet

#6834

"Facebook should have a limit on the number of times people can change their relationship status. After five, it ought to default to "Unstable" Internet

#6835

"Johnny: hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars Johnny: ********* see! Sarah: twilight6 Sarah: doesn't look like stars to me Johnny: ******* Johnny: that's what I see Sarah: oh, really? Johnny: Absolutely Sarah: you can go twilight6 my twilight6-ing twilight6 Sarah: haha, does that look funny to you? Johnny: lol, yes. See, when YOU type twilight6, it shows to us as ******* Sarah: that's neat, I didn't know msn did that Johnny: yep, no matter how many times you type twilight6, it will show to us as ******* Sarah: awesome! Sarah: wait, how do you know my pw? Johnny: er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as twilight6 cause its your pw Sarah: oh, ok." Internet

#6836

"Just read this (genuinely) in the Mail on Sunday about Prince Harry's new fling: 'Harry is very funny and texts her Jokes all the time from an Internet site he's found' Alright mate?" Internet

#6837

"Just saw this Joke by swoosher7797 \----------------------------------- My girlfriend isn't the brightest spark. I spent an hour explaining a legendary Sickipedia Joke to her and she still didn't get it. So I got 8 mates over and we really explained it to her. Now she understands. \------------------------------------ You took her appendix out?" Internet

#6838

"The other day my six-year-old son said: "When I grow up, I want to get the highest score on Sickipedia." I said: "You can't do both." Internet

#6839

"Was just about to sign up to the Facebook group "Feed a child with a click" until I realized how similar "cl" and "d" looked. Thought it sounded too good to be true. Just goes to show how careful you have to be with these online deals." Internet

#6840

"I asked my girlfriend if I could give her one, she said 'Sure, be my guest'. So I gave her 0.2 instead." Internet

#6841

What percentage of users actually make it on to dealingwithdyslexia.org on their first attempt? Internet

#6842

I've deleted so much History on my computer it doesn't even know who the Romans were. Internet

#6843

"I was asked by a Labour Party activist today how I intend to vote on May 6th. I replied, "Well I'll be voting as normal, by looking through my favourites and giving a +1 to my favourite incest and paedophilia Jokes." Internet

#6844

Why don't they just put a page full of Jokes on 'the database latency too high' page? Internet

#6845

"'I'm being frapped!' My girlfriend put on her Facebook status. 37 likes! I think myself very lucky she accidently pressed that f." Internet

#6846

"My girlfriend thinks it's wrong to laugh at the Jokes on here, she often says it wouldn't be funny if it happened to you. But, as I'm neither a 5 year old girl, dead baby nor Jade Goody I find this pretty unlikely." Internet

#6847

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI. Internet

#6848

"Find your ideal partner on Facebook!" No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm." Internet

#6849

"I've been kicked off my Internet dating site for lying. Apparently 'local celebrity' can't be used as another term for 'known rapist'." Internet

#6850

The Internet is a drug. You get on for 1 minute to check your mail, 4 hours later your pants are down by your ankles and you feel all awkward and lonely. Internet

#6851

"A sure sign that I'm spending too much time on Sickipedia. We went to the estate agents, looking for a new house. The estate agent asked if we wanted a house with a cellar and I said, "We don't really need one, my wife can't have children!" Internet

#6852

So this isn't a website offering advice on how to cure common illness then? Internet

#6853

"The Sickipedia home page is a lot like politics: On the right you've got a load of juvenile, idiotic nonsense and on the left all you hear about is women, foreigners and disabled people." Internet

#6854

"TOP GOOGLE UK SEARCHES 2009 1. Facebook 2. BBC 3. YouTube 4. Hotmail 5. Games 6. EBay 7. News 8. Google 9. Yahoo 10. Bebo Surely I mustn't be the only one that realizes something is missing off this list?!" Internet

#6855

They're bringing out a new Barbie doll called "Internet Barbie", which really a fat guy is claiming to be a hot blonde. Internet

#6856

"Thank God for Private Browsing. Now my wife doesn't have to find out my sick, disturbing secret; that I play Run escape." Internet

#6857

A librarian knocked on my door and asked to borrow a book on Irony. Internet

#6858

"I wrote a 403 page essay about the Internet. There was another page but I can't find it." Internet

#6859

"I've just copied and pasted the barcode on Google's homepage, cut it out and stuck it to a tin of beans in Asda. Should have seen the look on the checkout girl's face when she tried to charge me 32 billion." Internet

#6860

"People think the easiest way to success on Sickipedia is to think of a great Joke that scores 1000 points. I'm going to take the Pound land route, and post 1000 Jokes that score 1 point. Starting with this one." Internet

#6861

"Jokes leaving the 'Newest Today' section are a bit like the kids around my area. If they're under 10 there's a good chance you'll never see them again." Internet

#6862

"How do you keep a fat stupid Yank occupied for hours? Reveal the rest of this Joke." Internet

#6863

"Kids are so lucky today to have the Internet. I must have been about 23 before I saw my first picture of a woman sucking off a donkey!" Internet

#6864

So, there's now an advert banner at the top of Sickipedia. What kind of business thinks "Yes, closet paedophile and racists, there's the target market we need to focus on!" Internet

#6865

"Here I am, at home on Sickipedia instead of going to work. Ironic, that an anagram of Sickipedia is "paid sickie." Internet

#6866

Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd. Internet

#6867

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, sit in front of a computer. They go on a site called Sickipedia to look for Jokes for next week's Mock the Week. Internet

#6868

"On a website I regularly visit there is a link to donate to the site to 'help keep the site free'. I'm not sure they know what 'free' means." Internet

#6869

I was shocked to see 8 people following me as I was walking down my street browsing the web on my cellphone. It has only been an hour since I opened my Twitter account. Internet

#6870

"My girlfriend said that switching off her mum's life support machine was the most difficult thing that she's ever had to do. She has clearly never tried to not spill a full pint of beer whilst sneezing." Internet

#6871

Statistically 9.2/10 people preferred it before. Internet

#6872

How boring would Sickipedia be if Gerry and Kate had hired a babysitter? Internet

#6873

"When Scouters want to get their kids a trampoline, which website do they look at first? Google Maps." Internet

#6874

"I customized my license plate to say "s1ck1p3dia v3" Hopefully when I get caught speeding they'll only give me .2 points on my license" Internet

#6875

"Your Joke, which read: 'wheels, drums, horses and trumpets' has been deleted. It was part of a Band Wagon." Internet

#6876

The Internet has become too politically correct. What's all this nonsense about disabled cookies? In my day they were called broken biscuits. Internet

#6877

"BREAKING NEWS: Sickipedia officially outranks the Twin Towers as the biggest crash site of all time." Internet

#6878

"I want to get a DVD from eBay. I'm confused. Do I click 'Buy' or 'Watch this item'? Surely I want to do both." Internet

#6879

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know Internet

#6880

To make Christmas Dinner a little more interesting, print off a few Jokes from Sickipedia, and pop them in the crackers. Internet

#6881

Looking for a nipple on YouTube is like looking for a salad in America. Internet

#6882

"I came across this on Wikipedia before. 'This limb disfigurement article is a stub. You can help Wikipedia by expanding it.' Who said Wikipedia has no sense of humour?" Internet

#6883

"It has been announced that Nigeria has 22,980,200 Internet users. I've had emails from every single one." Internet

#6884

"What do you get if you mix Barium, Neodymium, Tungsten, Silver, Oxygen, Nitrogen and Sulfur together? A 'Periodic Table' Joke about 'Ba, Nd, W, Ag, O, N, S'." Internet

#6885

"There is a lot of things wrong with the world these days but we do have some things to be grateful for. Like you can't post photographs on this site." Internet

#6886

You know you're sad when you find yourself hacking somebody's Facebook so that you can invite yourself to their birthday party. Internet

#6887

If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence. Internet

#6888

"I just looked up myself on the Internet. Now my webcam smells of poo." Internet

#6889

"I used to listen to Dub step back in the 90s... ... Every time I connected my computer to the Internet." Internet

#6890

"Wikipedia is to be blacked out for 24 hours. An article on Wikipedia stated that this was the most significant event in modern History since Hitler invented the light bulb." Internet

#6891

"My girlfriend left me. A few nights ago she found "Sickipedia.org" in the search History on our computer and she said I had some explaining to do. With quick thinking I said to her, "Oh, I was trying to get onto Wikipedia, but I accidentally hit the S instead of the W on the keyboard. The S is below the W." She accepted my explanation and told me later on that night how she got worried with calling me clumsy and stupid. That's when I accidentally said, "I'm stupid? You didn't even ask where the 'C' came from!" Internet

#6892

Is anyone else worried that we're quickly losing stuff to make Jokes about? George Bush has left office, Jade Goody and Michael Jackson have died and now even Sickipedia's server works. You hang on in there Stephen Hawking! Internet

#6893

"I saw a Rolex on eBay and it said on the listing "Watch this item". I don't remember setting the language to cave man." Internet

#6894

What other use will there ever be for 'delete Internet History'? Internet

#6895

Statistically, 9/10 Sickipedia Jokes will appear in someone's Facebook status. Internet

#6896

"A good sickipedia Joke needs to meet two requirements. 1. It needs to leave them wanting more. 2." Internet

#6897

"I just saw the advert for Compare the Meerkat com saying that they are updating their server to cope with more people online. Sickipedia! Take Note!! Simples......." Internet

#6898

"It's been a bit quiet on the site today as many were present at the funeral of MAGGOT, Sickipedia's unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of MAGGOT's 'Knock, knock' Jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence." Internet

#6899

"My gran asked me for a website that's a good source of information. Please, for the love of god, never EVER get Sickipedia mixed up with Wikipedia." Internet

#6900

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on Maddie. The librarian says "Sorry sir, that went out years ago and was never returned." Internet

#6901

"My wife spends a lot of time on eBay. But no, I still haven't had any bids for her." Internet

#6902

"I'm feeling quite proud of myself after doing my bit for a worthy cause. I noticed a banner on Wikipedia this morning, saying that they desperately needed to raise $7.5m to keep the site running, but had only managed $1.2m so far. Thanks to me, they're now well on their way to reaching their target. I edited it to say they'd raised $6.5m." Internet

#6903

"I must be really unlucky, Every time I have an argument with somebody on the Internet, they turn out to be a cage fighter." Internet

#6904

Make it look like you have an iPad by drawing the Internet onto an Etch-a-Sketch. Internet

#6905

Isn't it funny how people post so many sick and racist Jokes on here, but still are civilized enough to put it in the right category. Internet

#6906

You Mama's so old, she once posted a Joke on Sickipedia and it wasn't a duplicate. Internet

#6907

All these Periodic Table Jokes are starting to get boron. Internet

#6908

"Imagine if sickipedia had been around on 9/11. The server would've gone down like- well, you can guess." Internet

#6909

At the 'Sickipedia standup comedy night' if too many people turn up are they going to put a sign outside the venue saying 'Database latency too high'? Internet

#6910

"Computer: 200 Internet connection: 30 the look on your Gran's face when you tell her the difference between the Pope and Madeleine McCann: Priceless ........................................................................................................ Gran's funeral: 1000 There are some things in life which won't get you early inheritance: for everything else there's Sickipedia." Internet

#6911

Sickipedia: Proof that giving Americans the vote in anything is a bad idea. Internet

#6912

"I'm selling a stalking kit on eBay, It's got six people watching it..." Internet

#6913

"I once got a Joke on the left side of the Sickipedia home page. I turned my computer monitor upside down." Internet

#6914

So JamRags.com are printing all of the Sickipedia favourites onto t-shirts then selling them back to us? Personally, I'm waiting for the one that says "Database Latency Too high". Internet

#6915

Mr. Sachs, his daughter and 18,000 BBC viewers have labelled Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand "sick." Let's hope to god they don't discover this website. Internet

#6916

"I decided to cancel my Twitter account. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I'm pretty sure people are following me!" Internet

#6917

There's a bit of a misconception going on here. Telling Jokes about any subject, however unpleasant, says nothing about you as an individual. Writing racist Jokes about (enter your ethnic minority here) does not make you a racist. Writing paedophile Jokes does not make you a paedophile. Writing Jokes about fat stupid Americans, just means you're being brutally honest. Internet

#6918

Am I the only one who's worried that once Wikipedia goes black it'll never go back? Internet

#6919

"I see they have blocked the Internet in Egypt. No more online pyramid schemes then?" Internet

#6920

"I recently started to make a friend online, He is a retired 55 year old head teacher and a really friendly guy so we decided to meet up. Turned out to be a 13 year old girl" Internet

#6921

Sickipedia has a lot in common with Britain as there always seems to be a significant number of people who aren't registered here. Internet

#6922

"I'm setting up a search engine called Askyourdad.com you type your query in and it sends you straight to Askyourmum.com" Internet

#6923

"Announcement: Spastic Waitresses has a new website but all the Servers are down." Internet

#6924

"When I die, I'm giving my body to Sickipedia viewers. At least that way I know I'll get buried quickly." Internet

#6925

Joke-writing is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent duplication. Internet

#6926

I have just painted a blue square on the garden to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!! Internet

#6927

Its really nice that there are some places where the White English Male can dominate. 100 years ago, in the days of the British Empire, it was a Quarter of the World, on which the sun never set. Now it's an Internet Joke site that crashes several times a week. Still, better than nothing. Internet

#6928

It's a sad day for mankind when you search 'hardcore domination' and results direct you to Call of Duty. Internet

#6929

"What do you call a Black American Muslim Woman? Pretty much anything- it's still bound to get voted up." Internet

#6930

"My wife told me she was annoyed by my "lack of moral consistency," and explained that I shouldn't find offensive Jokes, for example about domestic violence, acceptable while being outraged if someone posts a duplicate. Her remarks inspired this little number: What does the duplicate checker and my wife's jaw have in common? They're both broken." Internet

#6931

2009 seems to me like the celebrity version of that Windows program that deletes the unused icons from your desktop. Internet

#6932

"I got that "Meet beautiful women in your area" ad pop up the other day. But, when I took my laptop to Bradford, it just said "Searching" Internet

#6933

How come all the hot girls in my area always want to chat when I'm watching a film? Internet

#6934

"Firefox private browsing mode.... ....saving relationships since June 2009" Internet

#6935

"I just found this site (Sickipedia) and couldn't believe some of the material posted here. The grammar was atrocious." Internet

#6936

"My wife said that our wedding was the happiest day of her life. Mine too; one of my Jokes scored 300 points that day." Internet

#6937

"What have my star pupil and Sickipedia got in common? I look forward to coming on both of them in my lunch hour." Internet

#6938

"So socks are up in sales by 11000% since 1998. That's about the same time the Internet was really taking off. Coincidence? I think not." Internet

#6939

"I Hate America ..............now do I get loads of votes?" Internet

#6940

If Sickipedia did formula racing it would be called F5. Internet

#6941

"I was watching a film on the Internet today and to watch it I had to answer a question to "prove I wasn't a robot" Good idea, I'm sick of my robot slacking off and watching films on the Internet." Internet

#6942

Recreate the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face. Internet

#6943

"Please read: A personal appeal from an author of 2,463 Wikipedia articles. I'm guessing it's an appeal for a girlfriend." Internet

#6944

You realize you're lonely when you have to "Frappe" yourself to get attention. Internet

#6945

"I was in a restaurant last night and the waiter asked me to cover his shift for 60 seconds. I thought; "Wait a minute..." Internet

#6946

My Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer last month but all my Facebook friends changed their status' for an hour and now he's going to live a long and fruitful life Internet

#6947

"I tried insulting Tinie Tempeh on Twitter. He replied with "lol". I can check him off on my "Misleading Names" list." Internet

#6948

"In the real world, the saying goes "innocent until proven guilty." In the Internet world, the saying should be "male until proven female." Internet

#6949

I can't remember whether I spend all my spare time on Sickipedia because I don't have a girlfriend, or I don't have a girlfriend because I spend all my spare time on Sickipedia. Internet

#6950

So who else's first reaction to the tragic death of Michael Jackson was. "SICKIPEDIA"? I wonder how many Jokes have already been made. Internet

#6951

"Parents, please stop using your kids as your profile picture on Facebook. I don't like sending raunchy messages to you." Internet

#6952

You know that something good has happened when there's over 7000 people all trying to get on Sickipedia at the same time Internet

#6953

"I showed my mum Sickipedia this morning. She said, "I'm not too keen on the horrible four-letter 'F' word." I said, "Nah, Flees is all right once you know him." Internet

#6954

"What happened to that spastic Joke I just posted? Must have been voted Downs." Internet

#6955

"I noticed that wikipedia.org is trying to raise 7.5 million dollars. I'd help, but I'm British, and I use pounds." Internet

#6956

"Get a flat stomach in 4 weeks using this weird old tip? Move." Internet

#6957

"I bet the crossbow cannibal's gutted. Didn't even have time to make the 'top Jokes this week' page." Internet

#6958

"No duplicates. No Americans. No server crashes. Carlsberg don't make Sickipedia..." Internet

#6959

Gordon Brown is worried because in recent elections he hasn't had many votes, maybe he should post an anti-American Joke on sickipedia that seems to work for everyone on here. Internet

#6960

Don't you just love it when you get a text off someone you don't really speak to, you open it and it's a Joke that you posted on Sickipedia! Internet

#6961

"So I clicked onto Sickipedia just now, and saw "Database Latency to High". Naturally, I was straight on the BBC website to check if Elton John had died... You still have time to upgrade the servers Sickipedia." Internet

#6962

It's nice to know that Facebook can be used for something other than stalking underage girls. Internet

#6963

"Whoever took Maddie must have been a Sickipedia. They looked in the first bedroom saw the twins and thought, "can't be bothered with duplicates"." Internet

#6964

"Post Jokes whilst America's sleeping" Seems good advice, Thanks However what time exactly is this, cos I think they just sleep in between snacks" Internet

#6965

"Just saw the Google UK Top 10 Searches of 2009. 1. Facebook 2. BBC 3. YouTube 4. Hotmail 5. Games 6. EBay 7. News 8. Google 9. Yahoo 10. Bebo So I have two questions: how are Americans ending up on the UK Google... and why are they still searching for Google?" Internet

#6966

"Great little prank for Facebook chat: Click on anyone randomly and type "I couldn't be bothered taking her to the abortion clinic, so I just did it myself" Then type, "Oops sorry wrong convo!" The responses are priceless!" Internet

#6967

Special Offer: Free TV guide and local weather forecast with every Facebook account. Internet

#6968

"Sky news - 'Stricken Cruise Ship Gets Spam Airdrop' Congratulations, You are the 999,999th cruise ship to visit these waters........." Internet

#6969

I'm always posting Jokes to the wrong sites. FML. Internet

#6970

"'Cheryl Cole tries Internet dating'. We all lie slightly on our profiles. For instance on hers, Cheryl describes herself as a singer." Internet

#6971

I've just been on the Chinese chat roulette, 128,987 people online, and I kept getting matched up with the same guy. Internet

#6972

"I hate my Internet provider. It may be Virgin, but it keeps going down on me." Internet

#6973

"Sickipedia and Facebook; One is for making Jokes about raping children, the others for meeting them." Internet

#6974

"Welcome to Sickipedia. Brought to you this weekend by our sponsors the Lehman Brothers." Internet

#6975

No matter what you search for on YouTube, there's always a 6-year-old Asian kid doing it blindfolded. Internet

#6976

"What's the difference between killing babies and Sickipedia's new scoring system? Killing babies makes perfect sense." Internet

#6977

"A survey conducted on 25th September 2009 has shown 100% of material on Wikipedia is true. * *[citation needed]" Internet

#6978

"I hate when I go to uninstall some program, and then they want me to fill out a survey telling them why. Like I just broke up with them and they need closure. "No no, Yahoo Toolbar. It's not you, it's me. Please stop crying." Internet

#6979

"I've just been on my son's laptop today. I couldn't believe my eyes when I browsed through his History. A smart and intelligent boy like him should never misspell 'you' as 'red' so many times." Internet

#6980

"After making an account I clicked on the 'would you like to get some friends?' link. It sent me to Amazon for the box set of Friends Season 1-10. I laughed hysterically for a while... ...then I realized I was still lonely." Internet

#6981

"Admin1: Duplicate checker is broken, repeat: duplicate checker is broken - over. Admin2: Copy that." Internet

#6982

"When I go on the Internet I'm a totally different person. All thanks to ID theft." Internet

#6983

"Legend has it that an infinite number of monkeys sat at an infinite number of typewriters will eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this not to be true." Internet

#6984

"Facebook is to offer memorials for dead users as opposed to those who don't have a life. Patrick Swayze's memorial can be found on the Dirty Dancing fan page. Michael Jackson's tribute can be found on the Bad fan page. Jade Goody can be found on Farmville where you can collect truffles from her." Internet

#6985

"I and my girlfriend had this raging argument last night as she says all i want to do is sit on Twitter all night instead of talking to her. So this morning she text me from work saying "Morning babe, what did you have for breakfast?" I couldn't help but text back "#browns." Internet

#6986

"Now Sickipedia's server and latency problems seem to be a thing of the past! Is it just me or is anyone else wondering how many people are looking at this page?" Internet

#6987

"I was going to crack another Joke about the Periodic Table. I then decided I didn't want to make a Copper, Neutronium of myself..." Internet

#6988

"In the news: "Girls and boys as young as 10 could soon be encouraged to undergo Smear Tests and Prostate Examinations." In other news: 15,000 Sickipedia's have applied to medical school." Internet

#6989

Sickipedia... For all those thoughts you can't post on Facebook. Internet

#6990

"Just saw the Facebook group "Have you ever just looked at someone, and you just hate them?" Yes, this is exactly how I feel, and that's why most people call me racist." Internet

#6991

Facebook is in turmoil today, as the ever famous Farmville has been taken out with what is reported as a serious case of foot and mouth. Internet

#6992

"I think I'm going to start a Facebook campaign to bring back the old sickipedia. It seems to work with everything else." Internet

#6993

Can anybody else confirm the rumour that Sickipedia is upgrading its server from a Commodore 64 to a ZX Spectrum? Internet

#6994

"SICKIPEDIA TOP TIP: To allow yourself to vote your Joke up over and over again, simply move the mouse over your Joke and then hold down Alt and press F4." Internet

#6995

I like most of the features on 'Mozilla Firefox', but I don't appreciate the fact it loads up the last site you were on when you open the browser. I do not need to be reminded every morning of what a disgusting human being I am. Internet

#6996

One day you accidentally mis-type the address to Wikipedia, the next, you're instantly suspicious of black people and can't help but feel your wife spends too much time out of the kitchen. Internet

#6997

I couldn't get a ticket for the 21st anniversary Hillsborough Memorial service. But my mate's a policeman and he opened the side gates to let me in. Internet

#6998

"So it's now acceptable to use the word 'Facebook' as a verb. Well in that case, I just Sickipedia's your daughter." Internet

#6999

From Sickipedia I'd like to say thanks to Derrick Bird for testing the capacity of the new server. Internet

#7000

"My best mate told me I use Internet Jokes too often. I was so shocked, I almost fell off the bandwagon." Internet

#7001

I pushed a Frenchman off a tower. Eifel. Internet

#7002

"Stuck in a dark place for 69 days without washing, wishing you had friends with you. Your average World of Warcraft Gamer" Internet

#7003

If my wife sucked as much as my Jokes on here do, then maybe she'd still be alive. Internet

#7004

I wish my parents had given me a cool middle name like all my friends on Facebook. Internet

#7005

"Sickipedia is getting a better server! April Fools." Internet

#7006

I'm Adolf Hitler, and Gas mark 7 was my idea. Internet

#7007

"The Internet is such a boring place... ...when there are other people in the room." Internet

#7008

I wish I got pulled off as often as my Jokes do from Sickipedia Internet

#7009

"What's a Sickipedia who's neither a paedo nor a rapist? Possibly a virgin." Internet

#7010

I don't need Facebook to poke my sister's friends. Internet

#7011

"The Internet is often the quickest and easiest way to start a new relationship these days. It's also the quickest and easiest way to end a relationship if you forget to clear your browsing History." Internet

#7012

If at first you don't succeed, you must be using Windows. Internet

#7013

Google just returned 3,550,000,000 results for my search. Cancel my afternoon appointments. Internet

#7014

So, in America they have set up a "rehab" clinic for people who are addicted to the Internet. Think it costs about $8000 for a 45 day treatment, 10% off for booking online. Internet

#7015

"I hate all this Internet language, lol, omg, bff but the one that really annoys me is ROFL. Surely it should be roflysst: rolling on floor laughing, yet somehow still typing." Internet

#7016

Just went outside and got hit on the head with a lasagne and a black forest gateaux. Must be the fallout from Iceland. Internet

#7017

You know you spend too much time on Sickipedia when you start looking for the arrow to vote your work e-mails down. Internet

#7018

I think someone needs to go into the Library and ask for a book on lowering database latency... Internet

#7019

Why is Sickipedia's logo an aerial view of an elephant? Internet

#7020

"What's the difference between Sickipedia and a comedian suffering from Alzheimer's? The comedian doesn't repeat his Jokes quite as often." Internet

#7021

"The Chinese government have warned Google that it will "Pay the consequences" if they don't abide by their censorship laws. Google's reply: "I'm feering rucky!" Internet

#7022

"Start a Facebook group to keep Simon Cowell's X-factor song off the Christmas No.1 and you are hailed as a national hero. Do exactly the same thing to keep his charity single for Haiti off the top spot and you receive all kinds of abuse and death threats? Honestly, the British public can be so fickle sometimes." Internet

#7023

C'mon - you have got to give it to Jamrags.com. At least when the servers down us can still look at some Jokes. Internet

#7024

"I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile... ....and how many times." Internet

#7025

"I just bought 4 spots in 'Hot Jokes of the Day' off one of Sickipedia's admins for 3.25. It wasn't anything dodgy, he just sold me a copy of Viz." Internet

#7026

"I like to think of the Internet as my own personal playground. In that most things I do in playgrounds are sick, illegal, and involve masturbation." Internet

#7027

Whoever said "No news is good news" was obviously not a Sickipedian. Internet

#7028

Somewhere in the West Country there is sat a farmer playing Office Ville. Internet

#7029

"How many of you, after deleting your browsing History, quickly visit your usual websites such as Hotmail, Sickipedia and Facebook just so it doesn't look too obvious?" Internet

#7030

"The main two differences between flight 93 and sickipedia. Flight 93 only crashed once... and it was funny" Internet

#7031

Sickipedia duplicate checker, made in China. Internet

#7032

You know you've lost it when your main ambition is to have your Joke featured on the left hand side of the Sickipedia homepage. Internet

#7033

In the year 3000, YouTube, twitter and Facebook will merge into one huge time wasting website called 'YouTwitFace'. Internet

#7034

"What is the deal with today's Google page...? Is it Alf Garnett's birthday?" Internet

#7035

"I've found a website that plays streaming video of underground trains. It's called Tube tube." Internet

#7036

Sickipedia. Where the men are men and everyone else is insulted. Internet

#7037

"I went on to Ask Jeeves the other day. I asked: "Why is Google so much better than you?" Internet

#7038

"Just saw a Facebook page called "You're 13. Put some clothes on". I'm not a fan." Internet

#7039

Facebook has 500 million users? I'm three of them. Internet

#7040

"I have just opened up a Facebook account, which I have called 'No One'. Now, whenever I send someone a friend request, they read 'No One wants to be your friend' on their screen. And people wonder why the human race has such simple pleasures." Internet

#7041

Welcome to Sickipedia: Where men are men, women are women, and children are molested. Internet

#7042

Statistically, 9 out of 10 Sickipedian enjoy bandwagons Internet

#7043

"How do you know when you've spent too much time on Sickipedia? When your girlfriend and mates keep asking - "What's up? You're quiet this weekend! Haven't you got any new Jokes?" Internet

#7044

"Some critics have claimed that the content of this website encourages deviant behaviour. To them, I say; look at at this way. If I didn't spend all my spare time reading and posting Jokes on here, I'd be out walking the streets, and your women and children wouldn't be safe..." Internet

#7045

"ITN Reports: "Facebook 'helps children's writing skills" WTF? PMSL" Internet

#7046

I ended up joining Facebook. I figured if it can get Rage against the Machine to number 1 surely it can get me laid. Internet

#7047

Sickiphrantic (adj.) continually refreshing your browser after posting a Joke to see if it's been voted down. Internet

#7048

"Whilst browsing Facebook, I came across this status update: 'Someone became a fan of RIP ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIED OF CANCER' Oh, the subtle difference between RIP and R.I.P." Internet

#7049

"A man has delivered a baby based on instructions he found on YouTube. I guess that works alright, as long as the birth doesn't last more than 9 minutes." Internet

#7050

Has anyone else noticed that whenever you receive a text message and the sender has put LOL at the end, it's never in the slightest bit funny? I always make sure I send a reply though... FO! Internet

#7051

My two biggest mistakes in life were getting married and clicking "reveal Joke" down there. Internet

#7052

"How do you kill that which has no life? Cancel its World of Warcraft account." Internet

#7053

"Matthew Pyke got stabbed 86 times after an Internet gaming debate. I say that's fair enough. Anyone who survived 85 stab wounds must have been cheating." Internet

#7054

Sickipedia: raising the grammatical standard of English, whilst simultaneously lowering the tone. Internet

#7055

"What's the similarity between Peter Kay and Sickipedia? They both used to be funny." Internet

#7056

My mate went on Facebook moaning about his girlfriend cheating on him, whereas I go on sickipedia and brag about me banging his girlfriend. Internet

#7057

"So, a man who delivered his wife's baby after watching videos on the Internet. Strange really - most of us spend more time watching how they're conceived." Internet

#7058

The Internet has no influence over my life whatsoever.com Internet

#7059

Was gonna go doctors for an Aids test, but I thought nar, I'll take face book's 'Have you got Aids?' quiz, instead Internet

#7060

"You can tell Facebook is an American site... ''You took the quiz "One Word That Describes You!!!" and the result is Party Animal!!!''" Internet

#7061

Am I the only person thinking a certain individual at Google has an unHealthy obsession with children's TV..? Internet

#7062

Sickipedia - Creating awkward silences at parties since 2006. Internet

#7063

Apparently, 'posted a Joke on Sickipedia that scored over 1000' isn't appropriate to put under 'achievements' on a CV. Internet

#7064

You know you're obsessed with Sickipedia when you go on news websites praying for something terrible to have happened. Internet

#7065

"I'm extremely worried about this 'Ban Sickipedia' group on Facebook. What would I do without Sickipedia? Probably go out, get a job, a girlfriend.... Internet

#7066

All the tag cloud says at the moment is "Disabled due to inconsiderate people dying". To be honest those words are usually in there anyway. Internet

#7067

"Dear Sickipedia, I hacked into your database server and changed the background colour to white. It appears to be working again." Internet

#7068

"Sickipedia always seems quieter on a Sunday morning. Are all the wife-beating racists in church?" Internet

#7069

I don't know why all these teenagers go to such trouble to commit suicide... all they have to do is read chain-mail and not repost it. Internet

#7070

"I love Internet dating sites. Now I can stay in and be a failure in private." Internet

#7071

I've just watched my favourite episode of Friends. It's The One With Ross's Death Announced On A Sick Joke Website. Internet

#7072

A Chinese man walks into a bar and the barman asks, "Why the Wong face?" Internet

#7073

"Madeleine McCann, Kanye West and Michael Jackson walk into a database.... Its latency becomes too high." Internet

#7074

"What do you call a Sickipedian with no eyes? Sickipedian" Internet

#7075

Facebook: Reducing the amount of Birthday cards I get since 2003 Internet

#7076

"The place where I work has recently installed Websense to block certain websites. When i try to log into Sickipedia it tells me that this site has been banned for being "Tasteless and Inappropriate" . Yet it allows me to log into the Big Brother website with ease,???? What's going on ??" Internet

#7077

Got invited to a group before, "All Facebook users in one group", but i clicked ignore. Is there any point in the group now? Internet

#7078

"One sign that you spend too much time on Sickipedia: 1 - You start posting Jokes about Sickipedia." Internet

#7079

I was very disappointed when I saw the Jokes my 11 year old son had been posting on Sickipedia. To set a good example, I told him what he was doing was totally out of order and that if he ever duplicated my Jokes again I would report him to a moderator. Internet

#7080

"Being a nerd, I'm loving all these chemical symbol Jokes. I'm in my elements." Internet

#7081

Funny how all the Jokes on the Far East of the homepage all look the same. Internet

#7082

"What's black and doesn't work? The voting system." Internet

#7083

You know you've got issues when you start looking up seriously ill celebrities, rather than dead ones, and planning your Jokes months in advance. Internet

#7084

"Just seen someone's Facebook status...... "Thinks her birthday period could be messy" bit too much information love...." Internet

#7085

"I was just about to enter a Joke about Christians and got this. Database latency too high Sickipedia appears to have lost the connection to the database. Predictably, there are 666 of you looking at this page. How apt.........." Internet

#7086

I love the tag cloud. It's like a big chav dictionary. Internet

#7087

"Do Sickipedia bandwagons ever become tedious? Periodically." Internet

#7088

"Just saw the Facebook group "Join If You Lost an Friend or Relative from 2000-2009" RIP The Creator's English Teacher" Internet

#7089

"Every site I go on, there's an advert pressing me to have a personal avatar done but I won't be drawn." Internet

#7090

"I'm the only one in my Family who uses Sickipedia, I didn't realize the search engine shares the same History as some Google search engines. They now think I'm a racist paedophile who pranks librarians." Internet

#7091

You know you've been on sickipedia too much if the advert about Osama and Bush in the top right corner no longer annoys you. Internet

#7092

"You can almost do anything online these days. You can even hang out the washing!" Internet

#7093

"Coming soon to a town near you.... "SICKIPEDIA THE MUSICAL" Featuring all your favourite songs, "We hate Americans" "My girlfriend is 8 years old" "Who's in the cellar daddy?" "Maddie.......I love you..... but you're dead" Internet

#7094

Warning! DO NOT use Facebook and Sickipedia whilst drunk: now my entire Family, friends and ex-boss know exactly what I want to do with my seven-year-old twin girls, a ball gag, a jar of marmite and a weekend in a Premier Inn. Internet

#7095

"I thought the overall quality of posts on the Sickipedia front page would improve later in the evenings, when all the school kids have gone to bed. Turns out that most Sickipedians have better things to do than post Jokes at that time..." Internet

#7096

"The Sickipedia voting system reminds me of deep throat... A lot of sick and you know it's good." Internet

#7097

You know you live in a council estate when all the girls on your Facebook have their profile pictures set as baby scans and the lads have theirs set as supped up Vauxhall novas. Internet

#7098

"I have just tried ringing my broadband provider, there was a message saying 'We are extremely short staffed due to the recent snowfall, so please bare with us'. It must be snowing in India too." Internet

#7099

"Welcome to Sickipedia. Where no news is bad news." Internet

#7100

"BBC I Player Making the Unmissable - Blurry" Internet

#7101

"In talks with the Home Secretary Alan Johnson, the Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson said it was his belief that this vile, evil monster was a threat to society. He therefore recommended Sickipedia should be tagged at all times." Internet

#7102

"My Internet connection reminds me of that time I fell into a tank full of piranhas. 164 KB/s" Internet

#7103

"What's the difference between Sickipedia and Gina Wilde? Gina can handle more than 700 members on her at one time." Internet

#7104

Sickipedia really needs to get new servers. These ones go down like an epileptic in a nightclub Internet

#7105

"I was looking through the "ban sickipedia site" Facebook group and I saw a comment off somebody saying "do you have nothing better to do than make Jokes about dead kids" Well my answer to that is no... But at least it keeps us off the railways!" Internet

#7106

Before there was the Internet, people probably spent a lot of time wondering what to do with all their pictures of cats. Internet

#7107

"I must be one of the luckiest people alive. Almost every day I enter a website I'm the millionth visitor and win an iPad." Internet

#7108

I accidentally used AOL.com to search for something today. I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future. Internet

#7109

"China is a bit like the right hand column of sickipedia Every few seconds a new duplicate is squeezed out" Internet

#7110

Go on admit it. How many of you saw the mongoose Joke and Google's "plural of mongoose" Internet

#7111

"The only thing worse than having your Joke voted down is having your Joke voted up. By a guest." Internet

#7112

"I sometimes think about doing a truly sick, news worthy crime. Just so I can be the first to post a Joke about it on here." Internet

#7113

"I have a job interview next week and I have put down on my CV that I am a social commentator. Am I alright to stick you guys down as a reference?" Internet

#7114

"www. findtherapists .com Boy, we really do have dirty minds" Internet

#7115

Is anyone else suing Sickipedia for the replacement of their F5 key? Internet

#7116

"Sickipedia, eagerly awaiting natural disasters since 1963." Internet

#7117

"My friend was setting up a Facebook account for the first time. He asked me "How do you make your relationship 'complicated'?" I said, "Having her catch you sniffing her mum's thong worked for me." Internet

#7118

"The Times & Sunday Times are going to start charging a subscription fee to view their website. Why would anybody pay to get their major news stories when Sickipedia is free?" Internet

#7119

You know you're on Sickipedia too much, when you can spell Paedophile right without even thinking about it... Internet

#7120

If all the sickipedia forum topics were laid end to end, they still wouldn't reach a conclusion. Internet

#7121

Is this website some sort of sick Joke? Internet

#7122

"I'm seriously considering never coming back to Sickipedia. At least that way the texts I get will seem original in 6 months' time" Internet

#7123

"As a doctor I'm sorry to say I find Sickipedia considerably lacking as an online medical resource site. 0 stars out of 5 I'm afraid Dr. J. Smith ******************************************** May I say, I have to totally disagree with my colleague. I found it to be a true source of inspiration. Dr. H. Shipman" Internet

#7124

"Just saw the Facebook group, "Since when was it cool to be a Muslim and drink." Since when was it cool to be a Muslim?" Internet

#7125

"What is the definition of optimism? Posting a Joke on Sickipedia that you just received by text and hoping that it is not a dupe." Internet

#7126

"[Joke] I'm a HTML developer, and I have OCD [/Joke]" Internet

#7127

The benefits of easy origami are two fold! Internet

#7128

Nothing says copy and paste like IdIfds Internet

#7129

Congratulations to Flees for reaching 10,000 points and the 'top users' list on Sickipedia. I never tire of his hilarious 'added comma' gag! Internet

#7130

I was at the doctor's today, and he diagnosed me as having Sickipedia disease: it's the only disease where the sicker you are, the more chance you have of NOT being buried. Internet

#7131

Is it just me or do you automatically think "duplicate" when you hear a Joke in the pub now? Internet

#7132

"Is it just me that thinks sickipedia is getting too popular? I mean I can't rip somebody's Joke off in a pub now without somebody shouting duplicate across the bar" Internet

#7133

"The least funniest person on Sickipedia is that guy who's always on the forums, Mark Unread - he hasn't posted anything at all yet but he's on there all day long.." Internet

#7134

"Why don't Jewish people update their Facebook statuses? Because it requires sharing." Internet

#7135

"My wireless Internet recently got kidnapped we had a strong connection but I have no lead to go on" Internet

#7136

Sickipedia have released an update to their iPhone app, version 2.0. It's funny. I'd have thought they would go straight from version 1.0 to 1.6 or 2.3 or maybe even -0.8. Internet

#7137

"I see Sickipedia went down last night... Good to see it was giving something back to its users." Internet

#7138

"I accidentally sold my kidneys on eBay and at first I could not comprehend the severity of the situation. It took a while to filter through." Internet

#7139

Putting a Joke on Sickipedia is a bit like going shopping after dark in Brixton: if you don't get mugged in the first ten minutes, you've half a chance of surviving. Internet

#7140

Posting your first Joke on Sickipedia is a bit like losing your virginity. It's humiliating, short-lived, and you have a feeling of failed suicide. Internet

#7141

"I might have to stop visiting Sickipedia. It's not that the wife moans about it, or that my boss keeps catching me on at work, or even the Americans. It's just depressing to already know the Jokes from my favourite TV shows before I get round to watching them." Internet

#7142

A good Joke on sickipedia is like a well-stocked pantry in Ethiopia - hard to come by and then when people see it, they try to nick it for themselves. Internet

#7143

You know you've been on Sickipedia too long when your next door neighbours breaks the news of a miscarriage and you start laughing. Internet

#7144

"Read this??? then you're on the wrong site" Internet

#7145

"Statistically... 9 out of 10 Sickipedians were disappointed with their Christmas cracker Jokes. \------------------------------------------------- The other 1 out of 10 was an American." Internet

#7146

"What's the difference between a conscience and virginity? The average Sickipedian has lost his conscience." Internet

#7147

I think the owner of this site needs to go see Pele about his problem of keeping it up. Internet

#7148

"Google Instant is rubbish, it thinks I'm searching for either Holidays in 'Portugal', a 'Porsche' sports car or tickets to see 'Portsmouth'. Wrong, wrong and wrong again" Internet

#7149

"Google Earth... ...and the first result you get is Google Earth." Internet

#7150

"Get ripped in 4 weeks? It's a scam! Windows Media Player does it in 10 minutes." Internet

#7151

Apparently Jeeves doesn't know the name of that movie starring that guy that I can't seem to recall either. Internet

#7152

"We had to bury my brother today. It was sad but his Jokes really are that bad." Internet

#7153

"I just got an email saying I'd won 9, 999, 999 from the Ugandan Lottery, I never even played! I'm so excited, I was going to tell my friends so perhaps they could win too, I just decided I'd save the surprise and send away all their credit card details. Man are they gonna' love me." Internet

#7154

"My Internet went down yesterday. I think my cheap neighbours forgot to pay the bill. how irresponsible" Internet

#7155

Hey guys, add me on Kik, 'Pointlessbandwagon2012'. Cheers. Internet

#7156

Well it looks like if we want a new server we're going to have to buy our own Jokes back in book and t-shirt form. Internet

#7157

"Jokes on Sickipedia are like your average steak. They're neither rare nor well done." Internet

#7158

Who's the new Sickipedia sponsor, Rily Manson, never heard of her. Internet

#7159

My dyslexia is really starting to get in the way of my life. Last week I got a hiding from my Dad for going on hotmale.com Internet

#7160

I think a Jews been using my Internet. All the cache is gone. Internet

#7161

"A news report said that 954 offenders who should be in jail are still at large. Strangely enough I haven't been able to get on sickipedia for the last half an hour because 954 people were looking at this page." Internet

#7162

"Well it's the end of Ceefax. And in case you're wondering what Ceefax was. It was like the Internet for Paupers and The Welsh." Internet

#7163

"This is for you, Sarah: I'm available." Internet

#7164

"I read in a newspaper Sickipedia was only 'Black Humour'. But how wrong could they be, it's full of Jade Goody Humour as well." Internet

#7165

"What kind of business thinks "Yes, closet paedophile and racists, there's the target market we need to focus on!" The church." Internet

#7166

"What's Facebook and Sickipedia got in common? They both have dedication pages to dead people." Internet

#7167

"Sickipedia has changed my life. I used to have one." Internet

#7168

"Sickipedia v3 reminds me of a BBC televote. Most votes do not register." Internet

#7169

All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house. Internet

#7170

I hate how my Wikipedia page neglects to mention my love of skiing and focuses almost entirely on the whole kidnap/murder thing. Internet

#7171

I have sickipedia and Facebook next to each other on my favourites and sometimes get them a bit mixed up. Now I have no friends and a warrant out for my arrest. Internet

#7172

"Illegal downloading is getting worse these days, and I think it is disgraceful. If you download a P.Diddy song, you're not only stealing from him, you're also stealing from whoever he stole it from in the first place." Internet

#7173

"I just had a pop-up ad that read "Sorry, this campaign is now over". So let's get this right. You thought nothing of creating a piece of malignant adware to breach my firewall, exploit my computer's vulnerabilities and imbed itself in my hard drive, yet you feel the need to apologize because your campaign is over? You're like a rapist who says sorry for the lack of foreplay." Internet

#7174

"745 guest online and 130 users online. How are they able to tell who's a drug addict and who isn't?" Internet

#7175

"People say that sickipedia has no educational value I disagree. This is the place where a lot of people learn that they aren't funny." Internet

#7176

I wish Google Maps had an Avoid Ghetto routing option. Internet

#7177

"I was wondering what happened to Ask Jeeves, So I googled it." Internet

#7178

Why it is that Sickipedian are so harsh on improper grammar, yet do not know the difference between duplicate and replicate? Internet

#7179

My wife says that we have 'communication problems' and that we never get to talk properly. I said. "you are completely overreacting as we always get to talk to each other"...... then she went offline. Internet

#7180

Just think of all the cool things that happened before YouTube was invented that no one will ever see. Internet

#7181

"Google image search. The reason why guys stay for the credits." Internet

#7182

"Propose new category - Sports, Soccer so then we know which Jokes to vote down" Internet

#7183

"Wylis wrote: The duplicate checker on here is about as effective as the one in China! \------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Wylis wrote: The duplicate checker on here is about as effective as the one in China!" Internet

#7184

"I saw an advert that said 'Get ripped in 3 weeks!' I thought, that's a bit unrealistic" Internet

#7185

You know you're on Sickipedia too much when you read a Jokes score before you decide to read it. Internet

#7186

"I love this site. It always lets me win things. Yesterday I was the 999,999th visitor, and today I'm the 888,888th visitor. How lucky is that?" Internet

#7187

Apparently Josef Fritzl's daughter's video evidence is 11 hours long. I do hope they bring it out as a DVD box set. Internet

#7188

"If you're a religious person there's no such thing as in private browsing. God is always watching." Internet

#7189

Sickipedia: Supporting Historical Inaccuracies Since 1974 Internet

#7190

A sickipedia mod walks into a Library looking for a book on upgrading servers... librarian says "this has got to be a Joke!" Internet

#7191

You know there's a problem when the only reason you login to Facebook is to post a Joke that you know will inflame 90% of your Friend List. Internet

#7192

"Have you ever noticed that free online IQ tests are vastly decided by the final question. When they ask for your phone number" Internet

#719

Is it me or are Sickipedians actually quite clever Internet

#7194

"I sadly lost my wife yesterday. She signed up to World of Warcraft." Internet

#7195

"Carlsberg don't do Alcoholics Anonymous meetings... Not surprising, really." Internet

#7196

I wanted to go on the Lego website but the site was blocked. Internet

#7197

I'm only coming back on this site when Sickipedia has Banned Wagons. Internet

#7198

"Isn't it funny how the bloke who got ripped in 4 weeks also managed to have extensive plastic surgery and change his ethnicity at the same time! Remarkable." Internet

#7199

I tell my girlfriend everyday how lucky she is, as every time I'm surfing the Internet there are always girls looking for me whether it be in Russia or brazil Internet

#7200

Seen the group on Facebook "Boy who snapped his COD in half to show how much his girlfriend means to him". I must say I don't know how snapping a fish in half proves anything. Internet

#7201

"Chuck Norris has only ever farted once. His trip to Haiti did not go well." Internet

#7202

The Internet; All the advantages of being a stalker, without leaving your own home! Internet

#7203

When Windows displays a "You have performed an illegal operation" message, do you think your computer has noticed your Internet History and is trying to rat you out? Internet

#7204

"What do Travis Barker and Sickipedia have in common? Both crashed over the weekend!" Internet

#7205

"My mother asked me earlier if I knew of any good porcelain websites as she was looking for a large container to keep water in. I suggested trying the obvious, BIGJUGS.COM Very misleading." Internet

#7206

"Did you hear about the new social network? It's called the phonebook." Internet

#7207

"What is the difference between Sickipedia V3 and Iran? Compared to Sickipedia, Iran has a fair voting system." Internet

#7208

Did anyone else notice how Americium is one of the densest elements on the periodic table? Internet

#7209

"I found out that the girl I've been romancing over the Internet has been using a fake picture. She actually looks nothing like Frank Bruno." Internet

#7210

The right side of sickipedia must have depression, it's always so negative. Internet

#7211

"Got banned from eBay the other day. Apparently Black, and Asian people "have every right to bid on my items." Internet

#7212

10 grams of Gillian McKeith, a tablespoon of Wagner, half a cup of Snow and you've got yourself some tasty ingredients for Facebook Internet

#7213

Suicidal people are a dying race! Internet

#7214

"Dear Internet Service Provider, why when I call your helpline to report a problem with my broadband do I get an automated message giving me details of your website? I'm calling a broadband helpline so it's a fairly safe bet I can't get online. P.S. Yes I have already tried turning it off and on again yours sincerely A customer" Internet

#7215

"I work with a black, fat, midget, alcoholic, disabled lesbian with a Down's Syndrome brother. Yesterday I showed her Sickipedia and she wasn't offended once. Thank god she's blind!" Internet

#7216

I wonder if Eskimo's clog up their friend's news feeds with statuses and pictures of dry patches. Internet

#7217

"The Internet: Preventing wet dreams since 1994." Internet

#7218

"If the Internet had never been invented, I certainly wouldn't be the person I am today... A Lol." Internet

#7219

"Common Internet comment made under a YouTube video or Facebook post that reads just one word: "Genius" Are they really qualified to make that call?" Internet

#7220

I couldn't get on to this website this afternoon so I excitedly checked BBC news to see who'd died. Internet

#7221

"My son asked me what life was like before the Internet. I told him to Google it." Internet

#7222

"Facebook status: Andy Smith doesn't like people switching between first and third person on their Facebook status, in fact I hate it." Internet

#7223

"Today, I went to meet a girl I met on Facebook. When I met her, I was shocked to see that her actual appearance didn't match that of her Facebook pic. The words "Stock Photo" weren't even written on her Forehead." Internet

#7224

"My wife said, "You've been nothing but stupid for the past fortnight". I said, "I think you'll find it's only been for the last two weeks, actually"." Internet

#7225

"Ah, Facebook... Just about the only place you can get away with poking dead people." Internet

#7226

"AVG Anti-virus Website: "110 Million People Trust AVG" Yeah, and a further 6.8 Billion people don't." Internet

#7227

"My friend was telling me about how the Zimbabwean government is the most corrupt thing in the world. Clearly, he has never seen the Sickipedia voting system." Internet

#7228

"Microsoft "In Private" browsing. Trying to reduce the divorce rate since 2009." Internet

#7229

I swear that I just saw a tranny on a confused.com advert. I think he/she misunderstood what they were advertising. Internet

#7230

"I'm gonna stop using Wikipedia. Now it's 10 I've lost all interest." Internet

#7231

"I feel sorry for the guy at the top left of the Google chrome incognito screen. THE THINGS HE HAS SEEN!!" Internet

#7232

"I think I'm in trouble. I went into my browser and clicked Clear History. Now I've just looked up 'Internet' on Wikipedia and it hasn't been invented." Internet

#7233

"How do I go about placing an advert on Sickipedia? I've a missing child advert that needs a placing and thought you guys would be the best help." Internet

#7234

"Girls are like Internet domain names. All the good ones are already taken, so I'm probably going to have to settle for one from a strange country." Internet

#7235

I'm dating a hacker. She keeps sending me raunchy pictures of myself. Internet

#7236

"They can't take Sickipedia from us... It would be like taking a baby from a paedophile or the cancer from Jade Goody." Internet

#7237  
"A long and lingering death which seemed to go on forever and made a lot of people furious. No, not Jade - Sickipedia's server." Internet

#7238

No matter how good you are, there's always someone better on YouTube. Internet

#7239

"My girlfriend accused me of not living in the real world today. I and my World of Warcraft buddies were shocked." Internet

#7240

"I'm looking forward to when Americans play level 9-11 on Angry Birds and throw bombs into towers, and a look of shock and horror covers their faces as they slowly realize... McDonald's breakfast finishes at 11 30." Internet

#7241

"How many Facebook users does it take to change a light bulb? Change?!" Internet

#7242

Considering 'Sopa' in Spanish means 'Soup', I think that the Spanish must be really confused as to why everyone is hating on a popular vegetable and meat stock based consumable Internet

#7243

"World Of Warcraft: Helping 16 year old boys keep their virginity since 2004 sickipedia: helping 40 year olds keep their virginity since god knows when" Internet

#7244

"The top two stories on Yahoo news today 1. Showers are bad for you. 2. 107 year old Asian woman wants to marry Spot the link" Internet

#7245

"Statistically, 50% of Sickipedians who post Michael Jackson Jokes... ...can't even spell 'Michael.'" Internet

#7246

"BREAKING NEWS: Prince Charles has been caught doing crack with rent boys, Michael Jackson has revealed he faked his own death so he could protect actress girlfriend Dakota Fanning from the media, the body of Madeline McCann has been discovered by her father in the pool of Michael Barrymore, and Tom Cruise is diagnosed with AIDS; cause unknown. In other news, website Sickipedia has crashed." Internet

#7247

"Has anyone actually tried getting ripped in 4 weeks? For all we know it could work" Internet

#7248

Nothing shouts "Unemployed" like being on sickipedia before 10 in the morning. Internet

#7249

"Sat in the hospital with my wife before as she give birth to our first son. She asked "so what do you think babe?" I replied "this is the most wonderful day of my life, and I've never been so proud of something I've created." Then after turning my focus away from my highest scoring Joke on sickipedia I admired the child." Internet

#7250

According to the Internet, the amount of hot local girls in my town is several times its actual population. Internet

#7251

"Just saw the Facebook group called "If I put 6 or more kisses on the end of a text, I want to smash your back door in" Bit strange really, if you like them that much why would you destroy their house?" Internet

#7252

The planking epidemic is getting out of hand. The old lady next door has been laying outside for 3 days... Internet

#7253

"BBC NEWS: Bath entrepreneur 'holds the key' to the worlds Internet security Can you imagine if someone got hold of that key and turned the Internet off? We would all be fu" Internet

#7254

"Some people say that considering abortion is the hardest thing ever. They've obviously never wrestled a dog biscuit from a snazzy." Internet

#7255

"Just went round to my friend's house. His mother said he was still in bed. So I went up, knocked on his door, and no answer... I went into his room to find his bed made, his red and white striped hat on the bed, his red and white striped jumper hung up, and his blue trousers folded on the side. He was nowhere to be seen. Wally, you've just made this game interesting." Internet

#7256

"Sickipedia is like the holocaust... it's only funny because it's the truth." Internet

#7257

"Headline: Woman 'raped, burned and beaten while held captive by man she met online. Where did she meet him? Adult fiend finder?" Internet

#7258

"What's the difference between eBay and Sickipedia. You get barred from eBay for manipulating feedback." Internet

#7259

"Welcome back proud ginger. You have no unread mail. Who says the Internet doesn't reflect reality?" Internet

#7260

"My wife says if I don't start believing her more our relationship will fail. Wikipedia agrees." Internet

#7261

"I've banned my two children from using Sickipedia. All the racism, abuse and paedophilia is bad enough, but for them to have to know I brag about it would just be unfair." Internet

#7262

"Sickipedia, because looking on news websites take too long." Internet

#7263

I can't believe the costa coffee these days. Internet

#7264

"I don't get why anybody on the Internet would pretend to be someone they're not in order to prey on naive children. Then again, I'm probably just too young to understand." Internet

#7265

"There's a valuable lesson to be learnt from Sickipedia: There's an upside to everything in life." Internet

#7266

"Ok right, there's this Internet site, that's a complete rip off of sickipedia. The funny thing is sickipedia won't allow me to tell you guys so we can crash their server as I'm interested if they ripped off the 'Database Latency Too High' message too. Go to britology . com... You'll see" Internet

#7267

I like making myself look like a genius by taking a video of myself messing up a rubix cube and then playing it backwards. Internet

#7268

"Advert: Mum of 3 makes 379/day I knew they would be a market for pimping out kids" Internet

#7269

"I think I've been spending too long on the Internet. Every time I meet a Nigerian I immediately say, "Sorry to hear about your father." Internet

#7270

"Sometimes when I look at the Sickipedia front page in the early evening it makes me wish that this country would learn to be more like America. Perhaps a few high school shootings to start the ball rolling." Internet

#7271

"Sickipedia is like human remains to a necrophilia. What's left is great!" Internet

#7272

It's a pity the allied forces didn't use Wikipedia to find Hitler. We'd have won the war in under 5 clicks. Internet

#7273

"Sickipedia FAQs Section: "I am being abused, what can I do?" Fetch the lube and prepare to swallow." Internet

#7274

If I need to find out a different word with the same meaning as the word fat, I just quickly log onto Plentyoffish.com Internet

#7275

How come I'm always the 999,999th visitor on the same website? Internet

#7276

"I've made millions from my own home in the Cook Islands, by creating an Apple themed singles website. Come join us on: iLove.co.ck" Internet

#7277

Do hot Russian women get adverts saying "really unattractive white guys wish you exist and are waiting to meet up with you!" when they're watching Family guy online? Internet

#7278

"So i just got a new job, 3rd one this week would you believe it. I've been a teacher and given out plenty of detentions, I've been a pool boy, and I've been working in an office waiting until it's just me and my secretary alone. I'm beginning to think red tube is not based on real events." Internet

#7279

Nothing says "I'm an obese, ugly and depressed woman with a face like a bag of spanners", more than having fantasy pictures of fairies and warrior princesses instead of real profile pictures on Facebook. Internet

#7280

"BBC News: Google accuses Bing of "copying". How many Internets does Google think there are?!" Internet

#7281

"I and my girlfriend have a great relationship. We never stop talking to each other about things, and we both like things the other has to say, which is always good in a great relationship. We send gifts to each other, the other day she sent me a cake, and she's so lovely! We do lots of things together, we bowl against each other, and we like to do things at a local farm and help each other out, which any great couple would do. We even like to hot it up a bit, like just the other day I was poking her for over an hour. I love Facebook." Internet

#7282

"With the suggestion of thickipedia being made for Americans, I'm sure that isn't low enough for people who live in southern states of America. I propose that we banish them to 'hickipedia.org'" Internet

#7283

"I've just started a conga on Twitter. I got 342,053 followers." Internet

#7284

"My local launderette has started up an Internet service wash. They wash your clothes for you and then dry them online." Internet

#7285

The updated 'Add a Joke' function on Sickipedia has more checks, than a Moscow brothel. Internet

#7286

If people on Match.com were so brilliant and funny and intelligent, surely they would have girlfriends? Internet

#7287

"Just seen this group on Facebook: Join if you've lost your mum/dad in asda, Tesco or co-op ect That happened to me but we all laugh about it now. Except my mum, she was crushed under the cans of beans that fell on her." Internet

#7288

"I just got the job as a History teacher at a local school. In my first lesson I said, 'there are 3 things you need to know about History.' Ctrl H. Right Click. Delete." Internet

#7289

I was thrilled when I heard about In Private browsing. I've cleared my History so many times it's forgotten who the Romans are. Internet

#7290

"Some people have claimed they spend too much time on Sickipedia because they learn the news from the Joke. That's nothing, the only reason i knew it were mother's day on Sunday was because of this site." Internet

#7291

"I don't understand this STOP Mashing Joke it's not funny AND WHAT'S MORE IT'S A REPEAT" Internet

#7292

"So you lot think you're a pretty tough crowd eh? I bet you've never asked a bus load of Black Panther members where you can find the nearest Klan meeting? Yeah, didn't think so! Dave inpatient The Wellington Hospital Spinal Unit- Wellington Place St Johns Wood London NW8 9LE" Internet

#7293

Why is it that you suddenly turn into a comedy genius when the sickipedia screen says "slow down there tiger you have to wait 59 minutes to post another Joke"? Internet

#7294

I met my last 4 girlfriends on this very site... and now my boss has fired me....... I pulled too many Sicki's Internet

#7295

I'm planning on making a new Facebook account with the name "benefits" ...That way when a few people add me, it'll say "X and 6 other people are now friends with benefits" Internet

#7296

"I just noticed people joining the "I shouldn't be allowed a phone when I'm drunk!" group on Facebook... Well I don't think they should be ALLOWED to make a group unless they can spell properly" Internet

#7297

"Jokes that take up a lot of room on the front page are like desperate fat birds: The bigger they are, the faster they'll go down." Internet

#7298

Sickipedia on your mobile phone; like having a ginger hating rapist pulling wisecracks in your pocket... Internet

#7299

Google suggestions: Proof that you're not the only weirdo out there. Internet

#7300

Went round my mate's house to see he'd had a rain forest installed in his living room complete with snakes, monkeys and tree frogs. I said: "So, your Amazon order finally arrived." Internet

#7301

"Sickipedia's server about as stable as Heather Mills with termites (The first few times I tried posting this, I got the 'lost connection to the database' error. I think I've made my point.)" Internet

#7302

"I hate it when people pull me up for telling sick Jokes. I mean just because it's not their sense of humour doesn't mean we should be persecuted does it? I always just say, you've either gotta laugh or cry. And crying is for poofs and woman." Internet

#7303

Rob Manuel goes into a Library and forgets to ask for a book on website maintenance. Internet

#7304

"Jokes on Sickipedia are kind of like my 8 year old daughter. Technically, not mine, but I still use them in front of my mates." Internet

#7305

Sickipedia. Removing more tags than the home office since... Today. Internet

#7306

"Been playing hangman over the Internet this weekend with an 8 year old girl I think I won!" Internet

#7307

"My boyfriend came round with his 8 mates the other night and were trying to explaining something about a Joke. After an hour I had to lie and say I got the Joke as I was getting sore down there and he was getting angry. His mates are coming round next week when he`s at work to try explain again." Internet

#7308

I may as well invite the Sickipedia moderators around to my house. I have a dead body here I don't know what to do with and they have a habit of making things disappear. Internet

#7309

"I've offended a lot of people with my trolling on the Internet, but it's all water under the bridge now." Internet

#7310

"A place where there's no right or wrong, freedom to do whatever you say and whatever you want. Some would call this heaven. I call it Sickipedia." Internet

#7311

Statistically.... 9 out of 10 Sickipedians are fed up with statistics. Internet

#7312

It always amuses me that no matter how hard i try to find a nice girl, when I go onto the Internet I'm told there are always plenty of "Hot women who want me in my local area". Internet

#7313

"DATABASE Leniency too high. There are 854 looking at this page. Time to update the Commodore 64 lads" Internet

#7314

"Sickipedia Stand-up Comedy Night - do YOU want to do 5 months in intensive care, under 24/7 Police guard? Get in touch ASAP." Internet

#7315

"I was really excited when I heard about the Sickipedia app for the iPhone, iPod touch etc. But being an honest guy I can't download it, as it says that the content must only be viewed by persons over 17 years old. It's a shame, really, I'm in my late 30's but I share my iPad with my girlfriend." Internet

#7316

"Helpful hint #1 When arranging to meet a girl from the Internet, who "spreads 'em easily".... Make sure she doesn't mean diseases." Internet

#7317

If you printed out every page of the Internet and laid them one on top of the other.................environmentalists would go nuts. Internet

#7318

"I just got banned from the Apple store. That's the last time I ever listen to those " Shoot 5 iPads And Win " ads." Internet

#7319

"My girlfriend has just called me 'sick' after walking in on me on Sickipedia, what would she have called me if she'd walked in 5 minutes earlier?" Internet

#7320

"Schoolboy, 15, hangs himself after 'being plagued by online bullies' " See, it's not nice calling people forum rats." Internet

#7321

"BBC News: "Indian plane crash kills scores" So that's why all my Jokes are doing so badly this morning." Internet

#7322

"My sickipedia app isn't working. I feel like a rapist without his rohypnol" Internet

#7323

You know you've took a wrong turn when all WiFi Networks are gang names. Internet

#7324

"Yesterday I was told I was the 999,999th visitor to this website and won a prize- logged on today to find I am still the 999,999th visitor. I am alone on the Internet........" Internet

#7325

"Just seen a Facebook group called: 'Join if u say "b-e-a-u-ti-ful when writing beautiful!' Clearly they forgot to say it the second time round..." Internet

#7326

"I used to appear in Strongbox Ads... Then I took two arrows to the knee." Internet

#7327

"So there is a huge power cut across India, over 300 million people affected directly... Are they including those of us who can't call for tech support?" Internet

#7328

Did you know every time you press F5 a paki dies? Internet

#7329

"So a pigeon beat broadband in a race. That's impressive, but i still can't watch two girls one cup on a bird." Internet

#7330

Sickipedia has saved me so many trips to confession Internet

#7331

Nothing says you're an illiterate 12 year old boy whose uncle makes you do things you don't understand like starting your sentences without a capital letter. Internet

#7332

Wanted to sue the manufacturers of my two-legged tripod, but I was told it'd never stand up in court. Internet

#7333

"Seen on Facebook how many 'likes' girls get when they post pictures of their babies on their walls. So I thought I would give it try. Didn't go down well. Know where near as popular as I thought. And the mother and father where furious." Internet

#7334

The Internet- It doesn't make you stupid, it just makes your stupidity more accessible to others. Internet

#7335

"Emile Heskey's wife is to divorce him after he didn't buy her the anniversary present she wanted online. Apparently he couldn't find the net." Internet

#7336

"I think British rail have taken over the Sickipedia forums Running slow, running late, permanent connection problems, and at peak times......not running at all." Internet

#7337

"I find it very difficult to imagine a life without Sickipedia... Having a job, having a girlfriend, having friends, owning my own house, owning my own car..." Internet

#7338

"The Facebook Stalker Check... Decreasing Masturbation Time Since 2009" Internet

#7339

"BBC News: 'US relaxes grip on the Internet'... ...Only after the helmet has turned completely purple." Internet

#7340

"It's said that if we don't heed the lessons from History, then we are destined to repeat the same mistakes. Not me! I always make sure I clear mine, ever since the wife read my last one." Internet

#7341

I'm a Sickipedian and version 3 wasn't our idea. Internet

#7342

Sickipedia. The only place a Joke about football is more frowned upon than a Joke about raping dead babies. Internet

#7343

"No Bandwagons No Duplicates Just Offending Americans Carlsberg Don't Do Jokes..." Internet

#7344

"OMG Try this it really works! Copy and paste this on to 10 different websites and absolutely nothing happens! I've done it and it really works - nothing happens - it's amazing!" Internet

#7345

"I've just logged into Sickipedia for the first time, it's brilliant, I've never laughed so much in my life ....... ....... well not since my wife died anyway !" Internet

#7346

"Honestly , you can tell when you have your priorities wrong and no life You dread the day "Database Latency" and " YouTube is down for maintenance" happen together." Internet

#7347

"Twitter has unfortunately led to the propagation of a whole new range of virulent computer viruses. Many of them are untweetable." Internet

#7348

"I have 370 friends on Facebook. 80 of my friends like "glee". I have 290 friends on Facebook now." Internet

#7349

"Just pushed a hipster down the stairs. I suppose you can say he's a tumblr." Internet

#7350

Form spring... Making cyber bullying anonymous since 2010 Internet

#7351

So this SEO expert walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house, Irish bar, bartender, drinks, beer, wine, liquor. Internet

#7352

"Now that V.3 of Sickipedia has been launched I finally have something to look forward to in life. V.4." Internet

#7353

How many of you actually went on BBC News before you found out about Sickipedia? Internet

#7354

"Don't bury this Joke... It's an Organ Doner" Internet

#7355

There's a new website for people from Norfolk to trace their Family History and build a Family tree based on the results. It's called incestry.com. It's a shame they don't have the opposable thumbs to use it. Internet

#7356

My Jokes about the Cloned Cows keep getting deleted because they're duplicates Internet

#7357

"What do you get when Facebook goes down? A Social Life" Internet

#7358

"I really hate some of the very patronizing groups on Facebook like if you get this" Internet

#7359

Whoever says patience is the key to success, must never had experienced a slow Internet connection Internet

#7360

I wish they had confused.com when I was a teenager. Internet

#7361

"Note to self, always delete Internet History before giving a presentation at work, especially if you have to go to YouTube during to expand on a point. Bit late for parents evening but next time I'll remember" Internet

#7362

"I'm always happy to dispense inaccurate or fabricated child-rearing advice. I'm a Wikipediatrician." Internet

#7363

"I've never heard of a Jew being a member on Sickipedia... Presume that's because they'd rather give 0.2 than 1" Internet

#7364

"Harry Houdini is on the Google logo. Bet he will have disappeared by tomorrow." Internet

#7365

"Facebook. One of the only places where, if you are a girl, you can upload a picture of yourself wearing only your underwear and people will call you "Pretty"." Internet

#7366

Twitter: the only time you should get excited about being followed Internet

#7367

"My wife said she is leaving me because I spend too much time online #mustbethattimeofthemonth" Internet

#7368

"The Internet, where the trolls are men, the men are kids, the kids are cops, and the girls are confused teenaged boys." Internet

#7369

"Just when you perverts thought you were safe, Google Toolbar releases the "Most Viewed" Function." Internet

#7370

"Sickipedia admins can obviously take a Joke. Off the site if they don't like it." Internet

#7371

I really don't understand EBay. I've got valuable items on there that don't get a bit of interest, but some tatty old pictures of me as a kid in the bath has already got 6 bids. Internet

#7372

15- the amount of times I will smack someone in the face if they inbox me a number on Facebook. Internet

#7373

"What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? URLologist." Internet

#7374

I've just read that Instagram is down. My friends will just have to describe what they're having for lunch instead... Internet

#7375

Mobile Internet.... Allowing me to beat one off in Public toilets since my upgrade in Dec 2008 Internet

#7376

How many people are now sorely disappointed after googleing David Richards UFO photo to no avail? Internet

#7377

"Friends Reunited.com: the most effective way to find all your old school mates......... And kill them." Internet

#7378

Am I the only one to take it personally when you get an E-Mail saying mail delivery failure notification? Internet

#7379

There's something just not right about tormenting Lime Wire Pro. Internet

#7380

"My wife says that getting married is the best feeling in the world. She's obviously never posted a Joke on Sickipedia, then get called away immediately to return in 4 hours and find out that it is showing on the front page of Todays' Best Jokes." Internet

#7381

"The new google chrome opens up a list of the websites you visit most when you want a new tab. Double the reason to make sure you delete your History." Internet

#7382

"I don't believe in all these Internet conspiracy theories. I think they were put there by aliens to confuse us." Internet

#7383

"Politically I'm far left. But my Jokes are only ever far right." Internet

#7384

"I always leave my browser open on a Jokes website. Just in case my Internets down." Internet

#7385

"I feel sorry for the person who writes those Wikipedia pages. I bet teachers never accept his homework." Internet

#7386

"BBC News: Internet safety for children targeted The lessons are one element of a new government strategy being unveiled called "Click Clever, Click Safe". I have changed my user name to Clever Safe...Now I can just sit back and wait for the kids to come to me." Internet

#7387

It's a sad time we live in when the first result for B on Google images is Blue Waffle Internet

#7388

I haven't seen this many negative score's since I marked that American platoon's I.Q. test's. Internet

#7389

I don't even need to go on sickipedia anymore, I can just go on Facebook Internet

#7390

"In order to join Sickipedia you have to take a "humanity test" Doesn't seem to be working" Internet

#7391

Want to be an Internet legend? Take loads of laxitives then go through the airport with 2 cases looking really nervous. When security say, "Excuse me sir, I'm afraid we're going to have to perform a full cavity search" simply reply, "ok, but for legal reasons, can my mate film it...?" Internet

#7392

"I'm ginger, and as a result spend a lot of my time indoors, on the Internet. Luckily, I'm now fantastic at poker and I got ripped in 4 weeks." Internet

#7393

"Never judge a book by its cover. Judge it by its reviews on Amazon." Internet

#7394

"My girlfriend complained because I spend all day on Facebook and never take her anywhere. So I took her to the cinema, to see 'The Social Network'." Internet

#7395

"According to Bing, the second most popular search term in 2010 so far has been 'Kim Kardashian'. The most popular search term was 'What is Bing?'." Internet

#7396

"So, Facebook has a new feature that recognizes users faces in photos. It seems Facebook doesn't like Chinese or women in Burka's either." Internet

#7397

"More than 100 bodies found stuffed in wells in central Nigeria following religious riots" Pictures have been uploaded to pimpmysnack, just search rolos" Internet

#7398

"Does anyone know where I can spend my Sickipedia contribution points? I've just tried buying Haribo and KY Jelly in Tesco's but they don't accept them." Internet

#7399

"I'm going to Las Vegas next month. If only there was a way to learn how to play poker and get ripped in 4 weeks." Internet

#7400

"I have noticed website backgrounds are a lot like racism. Whites look professional, are most common, clever and are always work the best. Blacks look suspicious, are most commonly doing something illegal and never work." Internet

#7401

You know your life is boring when you go to check Facebook.....and you're already on Facebook. Internet

#7402

I love all the buried Jokes on sickipedia, I am a necrophilia though. Internet

#7403

"What's almost always White and is disgusting to young girls? A sickipedian" Internet

#7404

"I was outraged yesterday to find that Facebook had suggested that my 12 year old son became a fan of Adolf Hitler. I immediately switched off his computer, beat him and sent him to bed without supper. I can't believe he wasn't already a fan." Internet

#7405

"I logged onto littlegirlslaughter.com last night. Imagine my disappointment when all it turned out to be was a load of kids laughing." Internet

#7406

"I have just been going through my spam mail! One message asked if I wanted a beast in my underpants, I thought I had blocked Father O`Connor." Internet

#7407

"I don't know why this is called 'Sick' ipedia. A five minute conversation with my granddad is more offensive than this site." Internet

#7408

"Since Sickipedia's update, random symbols have started to appear in new Jokes. Oh well, at least now Americans have a chance of spelling pedophile correctly." Internet

#7409

Save money on Sim's games by simply closing the laptop and going outside! Internet

#7410

"I was on safari the other day. Then I thought... 'This is much better that Internet explorer'" Internet

#7411

"I recently got married on Facebook, it's much better than a real Marriage as the divorce proceedings are really easy to go through. It's just a shame it's not any easier to hide the body." Internet

#7412

When was the last time Sickipedia had so many hits of a Sunday morning? Internet

#7413

"First a global recession, then Australia catches up in flames, next an earthquake shakes Italy, and now there is a worldwide swine flu alert. God must be very happy with us Sickipedians." Internet

#7414

"Google Image "Burkini". Hilarious." Internet

#7415

I've been told I use the Internet too much and I have trouble differentiating the real world with my online life. This was discovered after I wanted to ask a girl out on a date and got arrested for writing on her wall. When I sent her a poo it didn't go down well either. I'm now beginning to understand why that woman slapped me when I poked her on the bus Internet

#7416

"Be honest, there is no fear on this earth like waiting for your Internet History to clear quickly while someone urgently needs to use your laptop." Internet

#7417

Watching your kids being born is so overwhelming, but nothing compares to the feeling of your first Joke being posted on sickipedia Internet

#7418

Is anyone else at least slightly amused at Wikipedia's gross over estimation of how generous people are at donating? Internet

#7419

"I tried setting up my own aviation business it just didn't take off" Internet

#7420

"Why can I remember an obscure duplicate Joke on here from a year ago but cannot remember to notice my wife's new haircut when I see her? Guess it's all about priorities..." Internet

#7421

After reading some terrible spelling mistakes on Sickipedia, I suggest that some of the contributors should try and improve their spelling by going to school with their girlfriends. Internet

#7422

"A recent study shows that 3 out of 10 teens chat with strangers online. The other 7 teens actually have friends." Internet

#7423

"This new ultra-fast fibre-optic Internet is brilliant. No more waiting around for days to infect my PC with a Trojan." Internet

#7424

"I'm sick of seeing all these children's TV cartoons set as every ones display picture on Facebook. I see enough of Pingu and Rosie and Jim when my girlfriend gets her choice of what to watch on TV." Internet

#7425

Bebo has been shut down. Tens of people will miss it. Internet

#7426

"Pep posted: Girls on dating websites: Single mother is not an occupation. The word you are looking for is unemployed. Proof that all Sickipedians are single." Internet

#7427

"Search Results for: German humor No Jokes found matching your query. " Even the website itself has a sense of humor." Internet

#7428

Only on the Internet do I choose to ignore an attractive woman completely naked asking me to check out her pictures. Internet

#7429

"Buffering 20%......buffering 45%.....buffering 68%...buffering 87%....100% buffered that's the floor done; I'm off home." Internet

#7430

Happy Birthday Google, correcting bad spelling since 1998 Internet

#7431

"I've just found a website filled with information about hard woven fiber formed into a rigid material, usually used for baskets or furniture. I love Wicker Pedia." Internet

#7432

I'm a PC and the 'Delete History" option on Windows 95 was MY idea Internet

#7433

"I saw a flame red fox earlier, surfing the web looking for cheese. It was a Mozzarella Firefox." Internet

#7434

"Yahoo! News: 'Landslide kills 12 at orphanage' It's times like this when they really regret their website name." Internet

#7435

"A website recently suggested I join its spin-off online dating community. It's me and four thousand other racist male grammar nerds." Internet

#7436

"Members in the Facebook group BAN SICKIPEDIA – 19 Members in the Facebook group Sickipedia (sick Jokes) – 1676 we win now delete your group!" Internet

#7437

I never bookmark webpages, I just fold down the corner of the Internet Internet

#7438

"Just seen the Facebook group: "All women do is cry and bleed" ...And the cooking if she knows what's good for her." Internet

#7439

Nothing says "I can't sleep" quite like watching Sign Zone when you have perfectly good hearing Internet

#7440

Facebook - a conspiracy by happy people to make you like everything. Internet

#7441

"My girlfriend and I are expecting a baby soon. It's due in a few weeks, but then you can never be totally sure with eBay" Internet

#7442

"There's only one thing more satisfying than one of your Jokes getting a good score on Sickipedia... Rape" Internet

#7443

Why is it that around 4pm GMT the average IQ on this site plummets? Internet

#7444

No Facebook. I don't want to know all the obscure people other people are friends with. Internet

#7445

Isn't it ironic that the people they created social networking websites are computer programmers? Internet

#7446

"Tragedy + Time = Comedy In the case of Sickipedia simply remove time." Internet

#7447

"Bill Gates just started a chain of restaurants. Customer: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your support staff. May I please have your telephone number, and address? Your visit may be monitored for training purposes. Now, please tell me your problem. Customer: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Please exit the restaurant and re-enter through the front entrance. Is the fly still there? Customer: Yes, the fly is still in my soup Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the spoon. Try ladling with the other hand Customer: Whichever hand I use to spoon the soup, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Customer: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: It looks like a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Customer: Your colleague brought the bowl on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup? Waiter: What was the last thing you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Customer: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Customer: You have more than one Soup of the Day? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every 10 minutes. Customer: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is mushroom. Customer: OK, I'll try the mushroom soup Waiter: Here is your soup of the day. Customer: This is celery soup. Waiter: Yes, the mushroom soup is still in beta testing. Old Habits..." Internet

#7448

"Apparently on the Internet, advertising companies can monitor your browsing and generate adverts to suit. It works for me, I keep getting directions to the nearest playground." Internet

#7449

You know you have no true place in society when your Joke gets deleted from Sickipedia for being "too racist". Internet

#7450

"So the owners of pirate bay are in prison for 1 year for breaching copyright laws but the site is still running perfectly fine. That's like me going to prison for stealing a car but when I'm inside my wife can use it to get to work?" Internet

#7451

I'm beginning to think maybe I'm not so funny after all. I've had more burials than Fred West's patio. Internet

#7452

In my defense on Facebook she was "interested in men". Internet

#7453

"Most disappointing three words for a man? "Get access now" Internet

#7454

"I've just seen the Facebook page; "If you saw me in the back of a police car what crime would you think I had committed?" Nice to see Facebook have made a page for black users." Internet

#7455

"I've just donated 3 to the NSPCC. So far Pikachu, the Power puff Girls, Donald Duck and the Care Bears have donated nothing." Internet

#7456

"Seeing the video of that horrible woman on the train, I can't express how much of an awful influence on her child and a disgrace to Great Britain she is. I can't believe she was sitting in an aisle seat when there was an empty seat next to her!" Internet

#7457

1880: Girls got undressed for their husbands. 1995: Girls got undressed for money. 2012: Girls get undressed for likes on Facebook. Internet

#7458

Tip- If you ever murder someone, and need to dispose of the body, I have the perfect place to hide it- Page 2 of Sickipedia's "New Jokes Today." No-one ever looks there! Internet

#7459

"A sickipedia administrator walks into a Library and says, "I'm looking for a book..." The librarian interrupts him, "Early learning section." Internet

#7460

I innocently went on the American Apparel website looking for a fleece, and it said the database latency was too high, what have you lot done? Internet

#7461

Anyone else find it ironic that Google Wave is released today? Internet

#7462

"Bare-naked Ladies is a Juno-winning and Grammy-nominated Canadian alternative rock band. Whose music I love with songs such as 'Pinch Me' and 'Underage' And that's why those searches are on my computer your Honour." Internet

#7463

"The last 24 hours with Sickipedia being closed for maintenance have been the worst of my year so far. And my baby son died on New Year's Day, I never even had any material for the funeral." Internet

#7464

"A man walks into a Library and asks, "Have you got the Sickipedia Joke book?" The librarian replies, "Yes, we have all the volumes! I wouldn't bother reading the lot though, all the Jokes are basically the same, just worded differently." Internet

#7465

I was dumping my old sofa in the park. A policeman said 'are you aware that's fly tipping?' I said 'Thanks, blood'. Internet

#7466

"Top Tip: Sickipedians, if you didn't go online the previous day and wish for a brief overview of the Jokes read the Daily Star 'Jokes' in today's newspaper. 80% will have come from Sicki." Internet

#7467

"I had a look through my wife's eBay search History today. It revealed a great deal." Internet

#7468

"So Fernando Torres has finally got a twitter account. I wonder what took him so long.... Probably couldn't find the net." Internet

#7469

"The moment you know Sickipedia has truly corrupted your soul: When you see the headline "Rapist who murdered mother and girl jailed for 32 years" and try to think of a Joke about it." Internet

#7470

"A man walks into the Library and asks if they have an unpopular work on Chinese Communism. The librarian says, "What, a little read book?" Internet

#7471

Getting a message on sickipedia is like the police pulling up outside your house, either way its not good news. Internet

#7472

"Slogan of 2010 Google before You Tweet Is the New Think before You Speak -" Internet

#7473

"I see there's a new website you can visit that shows a list of all the sites you've visited while private browsing. It's called: Divorce.com" Internet

#7474

"Number 372. I met you in the park one night as I was walking home. You started following me and ended up dragging me behind a bush despite my pleas for you to stop. After raping me and recording the event you found me on Facebook and tagged me in the video. How we can lol about it now!" Internet

#7475

"New tagline for my Russian bride website: 'Because true love doesn't cost a thing... (Excl. p&p)'" Internet

#7476

"My luck is just unbelievable! I've been the 1,000,000th visitor on several websites now. All they needed was my bank account details. Can't wait for my iPhone 6!" Internet

#7477

"I can't believe they shut down Wikipedia. How else am I going to make up diseases just to get out of work." Internet

#7478

"I have just found a brilliant website on how to improve your Ventriloquism. It's Gubawue Gubawue Gubawue Got.........." Internet

#7479

"A man goes into a Library and asks for a book on inconvenience. The librarian says; "Unfortunately, the last copy got borrowed not 3 minutes ago." Internet

#7480

"According to a Facebook page "Every Relationship starts as a friendship". Not true; mine usually start with spiking someone's drink." Internet

#7481

When I see some people on Facebook, then see them in person, I realize, ohhhh they use the new skin cream called Adobe Photoshop Internet

#7482

Facebook....helping me keep in touch with people I don't know since 2004. Internet

#7483

Don't you just hate those weirdoes on chatroulette who ruin it for the rest of us by not masturbating? Internet

#7484

When I play Run escape, the only thing that levels up is my virginity. Internet

#7485

"Osama Bin Laden is reported to be on Facebook. His page is great, I can see all his friends, all his pictures but I can't seem to get into the "Where I've been" section of his page." Internet

#7486

"Sickipedia has become a lot like my wife. Hasn't been down for ages." Internet

#7487

"I got an email from a Nigerian friend saying I have to see this website called sickipedia as its front page has the funniest sick Jokes I will ever see! The worst 8 million quid I've ever spent...." Internet

#7488

"My wife was involved in a car crash today. She said it was the most terrifying experience of her life she's clearly never sat there trying to remember if she's deleted her Internet History before someone else uses the computer Internet

#7489

My kids are growing up so fast. Anyway, back to sickipedia. Internet

#7490

"I saw a group on Facebook called 'Holding on is tough, much tougher than letting go or simply quitting.' Is this talking about relationships or taking a dump?" Internet

#7491

I am never using eBay again! Just received my 'black and white' printer, thieving seller never gave me any white ink! Internet

#7492

"My Jokes are like my browsing History: Almost always deleted except the occasional piece that goes unnoticed." Internet

#7493

"A man's best friends are his tools. Especially 'Delete Browsing History.'" Internet

#7494

I have created a Twitter account called "The Yellow Brick Road" and I am going to follow it Internet

#7495

"I keep trying to convince my friend to use Google's Instant Search, but he is not moved by my arguments. Jokes on him though. He is wasting on average 0.3 seconds of his life every time he searches for something." Internet

#7496

"Contrary to popular belief, getting a retweet off a celebrity. Does not cure Cancer." Internet

#7497

Only Texans would name a card game after what they do to their daughters. Internet

#7498

Man asks the librarian if she's got any books on marriage vows. she says "I do" Internet

#7499

With the recent deletion of Jokes, I'm beginning to wonder how long it will be till we can post Jokes worth telling at all.... Internet

#7500

I used to be scared of Mr. T... Until I found out he was into Warcraft. Internet

#7501

You know you're struggling to write sickipedia Jokes when you start reading the "More Recipes' section of the BBC homepage Internet

#7502

"I just saw an advert on Facebook which said "Do you also love cute baby pics like this one? Then click on 'Like' below to see many more funny and cute baby pictures." Facebook knows me too well." Internet

#7503

"I keep getting mail offering the secret to lasting longer in bed! No thanks, when I'm paying by the quarter hour 8 minutes is plenty for me thank you." Internet

#7504

"Racism against Britain? Come on! Let's see how many paki's have Internet!" Internet

#7505

Have you ever searched for ONE FACT on Wikipedia and then two hours later you realize that you know everything about the Soviet Union? Internet

#7506

"I can't believe how hard it is to use Sickipedia! I'm seeing more crashes than Prince Harry in his nightmares!" Internet

#7507

Anyone else feel like they're cheating on iTunes with LimeWire? Internet

#7508

I used to be all tight and think racism was hectic and wrong. Now I just think it's one big Joke, Cheers sickipedia Internet

#7509

You know those funny emails you get at work and then forward on to everyone else? Well thousands of people have already had that Joke via their Outlook... so we don't want to see you claiming to have come up with it yourself by posting it on Sickipedia! Internet

#7510

"Facebook groups; knowing everything people thought were traits unique to them. Sickipedia; knowing everything about people that Facebook groups can't post." Internet

#7511

"My girlfriend just joined the group "I miss being a little kid"... Me too, she'd be much more attractive." Internet

#7512

"Desperation: wanting to share a Joke so badly you create another sickipedia account" Internet

#7513

"A pair of 18 whole Dr. Marten boots walk into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long lace?" Internet

#7514

"I want to get tickets for the Hammer fall tour advertised on Sickipedia. Not because I think they're any good, But because I would really like to go back to May 2010." Internet

#7515

"I was installing my grandmas Internet when she collapsed and died... I was devastated, we had a good connection." Internet

#7516

"How many spastics does it take to change a light bulb? I'm not sure, but I've got 40 in my garage, a video camera and a YouTube account. Let's find out!" Internet

#7517

Isn't it strange............? I can spend hours online, but as soon as my girlfriend comes round, there is nothing I want to look at on the Internet. Internet

#7518

"Windows 7 "making your pc simple" I suppose "the thalidomide of the computer world" didn't have the same ring to it" Internet

#7519

"Sickipedia has become totally overrun by kids finding humour in Pokémon, Facebook and Call of Duty. These days I only read the Jokes to work out who I should groom next." Internet

#7520

"If I had a point for the time I was accused of cheating at Sickipedia. I'd have 967274 points." Internet

#7521

I wonder if the people getting these Derrick Bird Jokes by text, then putting them straight on Sickipedia, will eventually realize that the person who sent the text got the Joke from here in the first place. Internet

#7522

"Just got sent a message from Sickipedia: 'Abuse of other members either by PM or on the front page will not be tolerated. This is a Jokes website and an online community and, as such, it is important that is does not degenerate into a slanging match between the users.' I only pray to God that Ian Huntley, Jordan, Jill Dando and Madeleine McCann don't join, otherwise we'll all be screwed." Internet

#7523

"The ups and downs of Chatroulette the downs: Men masturbating. The ups: Knowing half of them are on Sickipedia." Internet

#7524

"Sickipedia's don't do ugly fake pictures about your whole life story like on Facebook or silly statements about where you are, what you're doing with who later, like on Twitter but if they did it would probably be the best Joke in the world" Internet

#7525

"To plan surprises like gifts or birthdays, Google Chrome offers the incognito browsing mode. Let's not beat around the bush Google, we both know why I'm here." Internet

#7526

"Just logged into my instant messenger, and my wife is online. Under her name is says Idle. Technology is so smart these days." Internet

#7527

I think it's fair to say if it wasn't for blacks, Pakis or Madeleine McCann, Sickipedia would be about as much use as Stephen Hawking's treadmill. Internet

#7528

"So Sickipedia is ironing out a few last minute problems? It had better be a woman doing it..." Internet

#7529

Bulimia - Taking the sick out of sickipedia. Internet

#7530

According to Wikipedia, Robert Ripley died today in 1947, though I don't know if I believe it or not. Internet

#7531

"I put the "me" in Down Syndrome. By using force." Internet

#7532

"Just saw the Facebook status: "A week full of pure football what more could you want!" A Girlfriend?" Internet

#7533

The Internet: Uniting pedophile's globally since 1990. Internet

#7534

"They say the simplest of things can ruin strong relationships... ...for me, it was forgetting to press Ctrl-Shift-p" Internet

#7535

"Bing's most commonly searched phrase: "Why is Google down?" Internet

#7536

"I just had to give negative feedback to a top rated seller on EBay. I ordered some new printer cartridges about two weeks ago now, and they still haven't arrived." Internet

#7537

"I hate people that put pictures of their newborn babies as their profile pictures on Facebook... Then they have the cheek to send ME a message saying "Who are you?" when I "Like" it and report me for commenting "Potential..." Internet

#7538

"Goturkey.com A great website if you get locked outside your home." Internet

#7539

"I'm switching my Broadband to Sky because my current provider refuses to cooperate with me and frustrates me every single time I want to do anything. Typical Virgin." Internet

#7540

"I just checked my current location on Google maps. According to that, I'm in my neighbour's house across the street." Internet

#7541

"'Ke$ha Tweets picture of herself peeing in road'. Fans say it's the best thing she's ever released." Internet

#7542

"Why doesn't Facebook automatically show you the one new post? -------------------------------- Why doesn't sickipedia?" Internet

#7543

I do love Facebook. It's the only chance I get to poke the wife these days. Internet

#7544

"Dear Facebook status readers that Joke you're going to post is from Sickipedia. There's an easy way round this: look at the "Top 10" Jokes first, if it's not there, go to "More from today", it's more than likely it'll be there. Kind regards." Internet

#7545

Nothing says 'I am ugly' like a blank Facebook profile Internet

#7546

"Gags. First time it's kinky. Second time it's a duplicate." Internet

#7547

"'The server is experiencing extreme load. Please try again later.' Who died?" Internet

#7548

"What's that Timmy? All of your friends have changed their Facebook pictures to cartoons? Well, that's okay then, no beatings tonight." Internet

#7549

"I hate it when the Jokes on the site are set out exactly how they are on Facebook like if you agree" Internet

#7550

"I think ChatRoullete should ban all these users who make it worse for the rest of us. No one wants to see a fat girl pop up when you're tossing away." Internet

#7551

Is it just me or is it every time Sickipedia lags people check the news to see if Jade Goody has died? Internet

#7552

"I need all of you Sickipedians to help me. Just recently, my son was murdered by a black man, who then escaped and was never caught... I need all of you to go out and shoot ANYBODY befitting this description. Please, do it for my son..." Internet

#7553

You know you're a paedophile when everyone on your Facebook is going on about Santa coming. Internet

#7554

"I really hope the Sickipedia maintenance team is not undergoing all these changes with a Bear with them. In my experience, Bears do not do well around computers." Internet

#7555

"I currently feel like a failed Roman... ...unable to get into the forum." Internet

#7556

"My Asian girlfriend enjoys my musical door bell, despite it going on for ages.... she love my long chime." Internet

#7557

"First Steven Griffiths, then Gary Coleman and finally Derrick Bird. That's 3 Sickipedia members we've lost in the past week." Internet

#7558

"News Report: Sickipedia website crashes today as they run out of 10p's for the meter." Internet

#7559

"Facebook and Twitter used in search for missing architect Jo Yeates" Call me pedantic, but don't you need to go OUTSIDE to find someone?" Internet

#7560

"Royal Marines Advert: "If you think you've got what it takes to be a royal marine, search for us online or find us on Facebook" I just googled 'Royal Marines' and found them, looks like I've got what it takes to be one" Internet

#7561

"I was browsing the Internet when a message popped up requiring me to upgrade my flash. So I threw away my trench coat and bought a cashmere instead." Internet

#7562

"403 Forbidden: The server understood the request, but is refusing to fulfill it." Wow, never in my life... The Internet just stood up for itself!" Internet

#7563

"Mistakenly typed Facebonk into Google search 2 minutes ago just bookmarked Facebonk a minute ago" Internet

#7564

"I walked in on the wife on the Internet. "You're like a spider!" I said. "Because I'm always on the web?" she giggled. "No. I want you out of my house as soon as possible." Internet

#7565

"The two sliders on the Wonga.com website should really be "How much cocaine do you want?" and "When are you selling your car?"." Internet

#7566

"Mr. Facebook Mark Zuckerberg wants us to live in a more connected world.... But to do this he wants us to sit on our own in front of the computer" Internet

#7567

You know you're spending too much time on Sickipedia when you start having dreams about the tag cloud. Internet

#7568

"In the beginning, the Word existed. The Word was with Humour and the Word was Funny. Funny existed in the beginning with Humour. Through Humour all Jokes were made, and apart from the Jokes nothing was funny that has been funny. In Humour was Laughs, and those Laughs brought life to Sickipedia. And the laughs reverberated through the silence, and the silence has never extinguished them. After the beginning, there were more Words, and the Words were Duplicates of the Word and were not funny. And the Laughs saw that the Words were not the Word and cast them out into the pit of Merge/Deletion. The pit of Merge/Deletion was a crowded place without Humour and there were no Laughs but Cries of Unfunny. The King of the pit of Merge/Deletion was Old Nicked Jokes and he set about planting Demons in the land of Sickipedia to eat into the hearts and souls of Jokers and to test them with the Temptation of the Unfunny." Internet

#7569

"Does anyone else read their eBay feedback over and over again to make themselves feel better? Nope? No one?" Internet

#7570

Funny how the 'network timeout' sign on Firefox, comes up every time I go on something naughty Internet

#7571

"It would seem someone has been caught cheating by repeatedly changing their IP address to vote up their own Jokes. Does IP mean "Internet Pikey"?" Internet

#7572

"Sickipedia: For the acceptance Family could never give." Internet

#7573

"I and my mate have just had a big fall out. He's just been involved in a major car crash which left him with a paralyzed spine a dead mum and dad and a written off car. Apparently asking him when he's going to upload the pics on to Facebook is unacceptable" Internet

#7574

"Actually, yes I am looking for a car rental Why did you think I was on YouTube?" Internet

#7575

My world was torn apart when the "daily link Joke" was a turkey baster again. Internet

#7576

Facebook - doing everything it can to shift people to Google plus. Internet

#7577

Does anyone know any good sites where I could get ripped in 4 weeks? Internet

#7578

"So I heard Mega Video was taken down today. I propose we have 72 minutes of silence in remembrance." Internet

#7579

"It's my 30th birthday tomorrow. I'm completely unknown and have never accomplished anything. I have no job and no prospects. Looking forward to seeing what Google has planned for me though." Internet

#7580

Memes, inside Jokes for people who are forever alone. Internet

#7581

"Why did the queer cross the road? To get to the other backside." Internet

#7582

Luckily for current pop artists that the Sickipedia 'Merge' feature isn't used on the charts. Internet

#7583

"How do you know you spend too much time on sickipedia: See the Facebook-Group "Feed a Child with a click" and need more than one try to read "click"..." Internet

#7584

"Going to have stop spending all day on sickipedia and get a job. Just found out they're stopping my Joke Seekers Allowance." Internet

#7585

I'm on here so much, I think I'm turning into a sickipaedophile Internet

#7586

"I wanted a Joke about Josef Fritz today, so naturally I went on Sickipedia. It was only when I looked through the categories did I think that it's only this site where you'd consider looking for a domestic rapist under 'celebrities'." Internet

#7587

So you're buying your better half an anniversary present and you don't want her to find out. Just turn on in-private browsing and get ripped in 4 weeks. Internet

#7588

"I started a Facebook group a few months ago called 'Talking to people in the real word' 0 people like this." Internet

#7589

Today, I was desperately looking through my local Internet connections that were unlocked near my work place. I didn't find one but I found the best Internet router name ever: 'pretty fly for a Wi-Fi' Internet

#7590

"Note to self: stop buying stuff on eBay when wasted. Does anyone need a Zamboni?" Internet

#7591

I'm constantly writing the wrong things on the wrong sites. FML Internet

#7592

A lot of people have started following me recently, makes me feel popular, but I'm quite scared, I don't even have twitter. Internet

#7593

"I was browsing on the interwebs yesterday when I came across something that disgusted me to my very core. I believe it was 'Pre-teen Emmalene drilled hard' or something of that nature. It made me sick. Why, why in this day in age would you name a child Emmalene?" Internet

#7594

She was only the cricketer's daughter, but she could take a full toss in her crease. Internet

#7595

"Sickipedia lets me add two Jokes per hour. This must be what it feels like to be a benefit thief." Internet

#7596

"My Google search for a French Gaul Viking themed comic yielded no results. So I added an Asterix." Internet

#7597

Facebook: Putting Hallmark out of business since 03'. Internet

#7598

Any notice that the new Google Instant is like a very annoying person who answers a question before you've finished saying the question and they've got it wrong! Internet

#7599

"What's the difference between Brisbane and my spam email filter? My email has flood detection." Internet

#7600
"The day of the royal wedding... millions of people watching this touching and beautiful event live on the Internet... it was amazing how clear the streaming video of the gorgeous, happy couple was on my computer screen. Thank you Sasha Grey, Jenna Haze and of course WebcamLesbians.com." Internet

#7601

They have Internet on computers now? Internet

#7602

Swimming Google's- For surfing the Internet. Internet

#7603

"What do the Internet and Religion have in common? They are both filled with lies and paedophile" Internet

#7604

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer History if you die Internet

#7605

"I wrote a Joke about a fat guy and posted it on the Internet. It got ripped in four weeks." Internet

#7606

"I hate it when people think that leaving out or inserting a comma or full stop is irrelevant. Try telling that to the sickipedia duplicate checker." Internet

#7607

Until I found sickipedia, I had no idea talking to myself could be so entertaining. Internet

#7608

Well that's the longest time I've ever spent with my wife and kids. Thanks sickipedia for that little meltdown! Internet

#7609

I'm a PC, and you're under arrest. Internet

#7610

I was recreating silent comic Harold Lloyd's famous clock scene when I thought, "Hold on a minute". Internet

#7611

Jimmy Wales is getting on my nerves, he keeps asking me for money on Wikipedia in a banner at the top. Maybe if he replaced that banner with an advert... Internet

#7612

"Big news from Microsoft... They haven't found a security flaw in Internet Explorer for at least two days now." Internet

#7613

"Why the YouTube catchphrase is 'Broadcast Yourself'.... Last time I did that I got a 500 quid fine and a restraining order" Internet

#7614

Facebook Timeline... Making it harder to stalk since 2011. Internet

#7615

"Prayers to God can be compared to "pokes" on Facebook. A pointless feature that will often be ignored but only used when the person is extremely bored." Internet

#7616

"My dad has taken to punishing my by removing my Internet privileges I hope he likes bodily fluids in his coffee." Internet

#7617

"Being a guy, I've often wondered what do two girls that meet each other on Chat Roulette do? Do they try and chat up the other girl in the hope of seeing some Nipple if they are nice or do they just part ways as two regular guys would?" Internet

#7618

"Tiger Woods Wife Not Allowed in Ambulance" But the black man was? Something needs to change." Internet

#7619

"On this the 14th of March we mark the one year anniversary of a tragedy in world culture. Today marks the one year anniversary of the time when sickipedia crashed for three days straight because everyone wanted to make fun of jade goody. May we never forget how we came so close to the brink of annihilation?" Internet

#7620

"I am a Christian, white, anorexic videogame playing teen. My dad is a Muslim, black, overweight jock. We came on Sickipedia together. And were considered close enough to be duplicates." Internet

#7621

"The pope keeps on apologizing for the paedophile priests... He hasn't been on sickipedia yet has he" Internet

#7622

"Periodic table? I didn't even know women had a ranking system for their menstruation?" Internet

#7623

I like this new "DNS failure" feature on Facebook. It means that 9 months from today, many children will be born. Internet

#7624

Show the girls how tough you are by posting pictures of your black ops kill death ratio on Facebook Internet

#7625

"I love my ridiculously slow Internet. Everyday I'm buffering." Internet

#7626

"Facebook helps you connect and share with the people in your life" Debt collectors, Police, Tax man... No thanks!" Internet

#7627

"Slow Responding Computers, Breaking up marriages since 1997." Internet

#7628

"Stranger: hi looking for girl with webcam you: hi I'm a hairy man your conversational partner has disconnected." Internet

#7629

"My life goal is to move to the Cook Islands and create my own candy stores called Suck My. I already have the website, and get several hits a day. I still don't get why though, I haven't even advertised suckmy.co.ck" Internet

#7630

Authorities want to set up a national database of paedophiles on the Internet. I've already found one. It's called Facebook Internet

#7631

"I tried a bit of online gambling the other day... I bought a mattress on e-bay." Internet

#7632

You know you lead a sad life when you think of Jokes about celebrity deaths in preparation for when they die. Internet

#7633

You know you've been on chatroulette.com too long when you take it as a compliment when people start talking to you Internet

#7634

"Coming off a motorway today I got to the top of the slip road and there were two identical 30mph signs and between them another sign that said 'merge now'. As I nearly crashed the car laughing it occurred to me that I spend far too much time on this site." Internet

#7635

"Note to self: Don't post any "clever" Jokes or ones with long words when the majority of users are likely to be Americans" Internet

#7636

Word of wisdom to the male readers (everyone): Always check what you typed into the URL bar after finishing the web address. You never realize just how close the "s" key and the "d" key are until you type "Sickipedia" into the web address without checking and press enter. Internet

#7637

"Sickipedia Downtime. Is that like 'Hammer Time' for Spastics?" Internet

#7638

Depression is realizing that your entries to Sickipedia get sucked more than you do. Internet

#7639

"Facebook should have an option to not post to your profile that you have added someone better looking than your partner behind there back. It would save those mad panicking seconds of waiting for your profile to load so you can delete it manually before they find out." Internet

#7640

"Isn't it brilliant that a quick browse of sickipedia lasts just long enough for videos on xtube to buffer? The only problem is that as soon as it finishes buffering, I tend to drop whatever I'm doing Phew. OK, sorry, where was I?" Internet

#7641

"Everyone at the moment seems to be so upset that LimeWire got shut down, and quite frankly I'm sickened by the number of my friends who used it. I mean, everyone knows torrents are way better for pirating music anyway." Internet

#7642

"Facebook release new relationship statuses" Shame they don't offer 'in a violent relationship'" Internet

#7643

"Recently i was going through my mails and I happened to see a mail. It read "There was once a 16 year old girl named Julianne. In spite of being pretty and smart and a sweet blonde girl she was ignored and hated by all for no apparent reason. Even her parents hated and ignored her. At last she couldn't take it anymore and hung herself. Now send this to 15 people you know or Julianne will be in your bed tonight exactly at 12.00 midnight." And I was like....So.... who's complaining?? *wink*" Internet

#7644

"Summer is my favourite time of year for one reason and one reason only... Facebook holiday bikini photos." Internet

#7645

I can't believe I've only just found out that if you type your search into Google in capitals your results appear quicker because Google knows you're in a bad mood. Internet

#7646

I had a weird ex-girlfriend she called the cops on me because I used to sit outside her house all day, she said I was stalking her but I wasn't, I still had the code to the WiFi. Internet

#7647

Why are they loads of statements and observations posted as Jokes? ...oops Internet

#7648

"A lot of posters here see their Jokes as being their children. I see them that way too: they're stupid, they're ugly and I wish they'd go away." Internet

#7649

"The band wagon of periodic table Jokes recently has highlighted the poor spelling of a lot of Sickipedians. This got me thinking... ...If only they spent more time in the Library." Internet

#7650

"I just had a real bad feeling of De Ja vu when I was looking through the Jokes of today...... Then I realized, these Jokes have already been posted ten times." Internet

#7651

If you use Sickipedia, does that make you a Sickipedia? Internet

#7652

"Have you noticed how Google Street View only includes areas that have "Google" spray painted on the street, which just so happen to be directly facing the camera? How convenient." Internet

#7653

I have a phd in washing machinery, people call me the spin doctor Internet

#7654

"I think those ads that say 'Get ripped in 4 Weeks' are underselling a bit. It's only been 1 minute since I paid for the DVD workout routine and I feel ripped." Internet

#7655

I hate how celebrities get away with everything. Parez Hilton can take a picture of Miley Cirus' beaver and post it on the Internet and escape unscathed and I can't spank my monkey to the pictures without the RSPCA waiting to take me away for prosecution. Internet

#7656

"Two men made 250m in a year by making sperm available over the Internet. Fantastic, I'd like to try that. How do you upload it from a keyboard?" Internet

#7657

When someone adds a page on Wikipedia, where do the editors check it for validity? Internet

#7658

"Would you like us to save your details for quicker access in the future?" Oh yes please HSBC that would be great. And whilst you're at it, can you post my pin number on the notice board of the Lagos town hall, just to make sure." Internet

#7659

"I just saw a "Like this" link on Facebook which said "I love being in the mood where I find everything hilarious" .....Stoned perhaps?" Internet

#7660

"I was looking online to buy a new punch bag. Plentyoffish.com has some amazing offers!" Internet

#7661

"Hitler has created an online game in which people build his plans for the new world he wanted, which will then be put into action. He even named it after his book. Mein Craft." Internet

#7662

"I'm sick of this" said my girlfriend. "If you were half as dedicated to me as you are to Facebook then maybe we could have an adult relationship. I need more of a commitment." "I'm so sorry. I promise I'll change, starting from now." I replied, taking a deep, nervous breath, then I said the four words I knew she wanted to hear. "Will you marry me?" But unfortunately she went offline before she had a chance to read it." Internet

#7663

"There's so many sheep on Twitter, I'm surprised the Welsh don't use it as a dating site." Internet

#7664

"As I quickly closed the tab, the manager of the Internet cafe walked towards me. He took one look at my screen and saw nothing but the Google homepage. "Sir," he said sternly, "I know what you have been doing and we do not tolerate that in here." I furiously stated that I wasn't doing anything dirty and I just happened to close the tab when he came over. "I don't believe you", he replied. "Now pull up your pants and leave"." Internet

#7665

"Bloke asks the librarian if he could have a book on Genies she says "You wish" Internet

#7666

You know you've spent too much time on the Internet when you start referring to things as 'in real life' Internet

#7667

"So, on Tuesday night my mate Derrick Bird posted a Joke on here that you guys voted down til it was buried. Hope he doesn't take it too badly" Internet

#7668

"Sickipedia More downs than a special school" Internet

#7669

Has anyone got a time machine I can borrow so I can catch the Hammer fall UK tour? Internet

#7670

Cyberhypnol, time for some real Facebook raping ;) Internet

#7671

Looks like we have another 'what colour bra are you wearing' gaff going on with the women on Facebook. I'm guessing the question they're answering this time is 'where do you do your Mans ironing?' Internet

#7672

"I find it sad that I got into a fight over the game Farmville. I find it even sadder that this fight was on Mafia Wars." Internet

#7673

"Just got an email from GameStop about a new "Black Friday" deal Buy nothing, take anything?" Internet

#7674

"BBC Sport: "Hammers destroy Man United" 3 guys 1 hammer has been out for how long? And they're just picking this news up?" Internet

#7675

"Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Listen, if you want people to stay home and do nothing, turn the Internet back on." Internet

#7676

"I don't care if Google Chrome is more secure or Firefox supports more add-ons, there's only one thing I look for when deciding which web browser to use: How fast it can clear the Internet History." Internet

#7677

"Neil Diamond showed up in my recommendations on Twitter. I thought, "that's a hard act to follow." Internet

#7678

I think most people would actually rather look at a few adverts than having to stomach Jimmy Wales' smirking face every time they want to find something out. Internet

#7679

It would be funny to make your Facebook status "OMG IT ACTUALLY WORKS" and then 5 minutes later make another Facebook status that says "Well, I'm gonna test out this time machine" Internet

#7680

"Me? On MSN? Don't be silly. I have a social life outside, not sitting on the computer all day like some sad nerd. And (yn) it will stay that way." Internet

#7681

Why does the Sickipedia homepage offer help, when only the most experienced contributors should ever really seek it? Internet

#7682

"You know when you're fisting animals, shouting racist comments, punching your wife, and raping the neighbours? If you don't then why you are on Sickipedia?" Internet

#7683

Lazy Sickipedians... there's a Joke in there somewhere Internet

#7684

"British girl, 9, killed in rafting tragedy in Turkey" No Google, that's not what I was asking for when I searched for 'watersports with underage girls'." Internet

#7685

You know you have dodgy friends when you can't tell if they've been frapped or if they are just having a good time... Internet

#7686

Has anyone found another use for Private Browsing, other than buying your other half a present? Internet

#7687

I just got sent a picture message from a girl I was talking to over the Internet I replied asking for a picture she has not used with the fat booth iPhone app, still waiting for her to get back to me. Internet

#7688

Just opened the tub of Uranium-235 I bought 704 million years ago to find it half empty! Absolutely disgraceful service, this is why I don't trust eBay. Internet

#7689

I'm the kinda guy that's so lazy I would copy and paste my suicide note from Google. Internet

#7690

"I tried to view some old emails from when I was at school. I don't know who emailed me but hotmale.com is NOT what I remember." Internet

#7691

Christ, if Sickipedia is crashing this much now, imagine what it's going to be like when she dies... Internet

#7692

I used to go on MSN news. Now i just wait for an hourly update on here. Internet

#7693

"Josef Fritzl. One man that took Sickipedia Jokes a bit too seriously." Internet

#7694

"I went into a Library and asked for a book on 21st Century Suicide Bombings. The librarian gave me the book but said, "There's also a film adaptation that you Moscow and see." Internet

#7695

"Dear Vista print, Stop stalking me!" Internet

#7696

I'm not saying that my Mum is set in her ways, but when I got her hooked up to the Internet the first thing she looked up was teletext. Internet

#7697

"My Asian girlfriend made me to get my poem about down syndrome sufferers published. She loved me mong rhyme..." Internet

#7698

Just been using the Zoosk dating app on Facebook and having looked at some of the profile pictures i have to say the name is quite appropriate. Internet

#7699

"I can't believe that out of my 378 so-called 'friends' on Facebook, only 12 said Happy Birthday to me today. Really, what do I pay these people for?" Internet

#7700

"Every time I get sick, I always manage to use the Internet to diagnose myself and convince myself I'm dying." Internet

#7701

"BREAKING SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY: If the silhouetted girl appears to be moving clockwise, you're a paedophile." Internet

#7702

I remember the good ole days before Facebook, when deleting friends meant having to go round their house and murder them. Internet

#7703

"I deleted my Facebook account the other day. I immediately thought, "if only there was a quick way to share what I just did with my friends." Internet

#7704

Amazing, isn't it? Of all the Chinese people on Chatroulette, I keep getting the same one over and over again. Internet

#7705

"My brother, a YouTube fanatic, just lost his virginity with his girlfriend. I was really proud of him until I heard he wrote 'First!' on the poor girl's forehead in permanent marker." Internet

#7706

"Sickipedia... The only website which I hover my finger over F5 after opening" Internet

#7707

"Girl, 17, who 'met man on Internet' is found murdered on farm track" Obviously you people are more experienced than me, where can I hide the body so it can't be found next time?" Internet

#7708

"Sickipedia: The server is experiencing extreme load. Please try again later. Not the only thing that just experienced extreme load." Internet

#7709

"What is the definition of a sickipedian slag? Ambidexterous" Internet

#7710

Logged onto sickipedia and got greeted with, "Welcome back UnluckyFriedKitten, would you like to go clubbing this weekend?" Well thanks, but I still have that pending court case with Green Peace, you know how it is... Internet

#7711

"Facebook: The only place I can poke my own Mother and not feel awkward the next morning..." Internet

#7712

"TIP: It is considered "creepy" by the Facebook community to post "*fap* *fap* *fap*" on pictures of your friends first scan." Internet

#7713

"My doctor recently diagnosed me with Internet Addiction. Luckily enough I've joined 46 online forums to help me overcome my problem." Internet

#7714

"I think Google Circles should have been called Google Rings. I just think it sounds better For example, if I added a girl from work she would getting a message saying: 'David would like to be in your ring'" Internet

#7715

One benefit of living in Afghanistan is the 2 hours saved per year scrolling to your country on order forms. Internet

#7716

"Child portable car-seat" Google Suggestions' last ditch effort to save your soul" Internet

#7717

"BBC NEWS: Internet racism pair lose appeal. "Two men have lost their appeals against the UK's first conviction for inciting racial hatred via a foreign website." Looks like Sickipedia is gonna be two members down." Internet

#7718

"I got in a lot of trouble today for plagiarizing another person's work. So I decided to come on here to try and relax. So I have this good one I just made up, so a man walks into a Library and asks for a book on suicide..." Internet

#7719

Unexploded bombs - Carlsberg don't do war memorials... Internet

#7720

"You know when you spend too much time on Sickipedia when somebody tells you that their uncle died of a heart attack in the local Chicken Cottage Restaurant, and the only reply you give is... "pfft, Chicken Cottage isn't a proper restaurant" Internet

#7721

At least I've had something go down on me, today. Internet

#7722

My mother always used to tell me that anything new I come across makes me wiser person. This would include anything I read, any person I interact with, and anything I experience in life. I actually believed her until I read YouTube comments. Internet

#7723

"Do you ever wonder why? All these young Girls on Facebook pose and look away in pictures, with a saucy cheeky look on their faces???. That's because I'm at the window trying to get in." Internet

#7724

Eyebrow gel is awesome - !_! Internet

#7725

"The new website: police.uk Type in your postcode and find out how many scousers live in your area." Internet

#7726

"I was thinking of posting a Joke on here about the World Wide Web Then I realized people who didn't have the Internet wouldn't get it" Internet

#7727

"I'm the victim of one of those e-mail scams from Africa. I gave them my bank details hoping for 10 million quid but all they do is take 2 quid a month." Internet

#7728

"My wife left me because I spend too much time on the Internet. So I guess now the Joke's on her." Internet

#7729

"Ever since the Internet was invented I've been sooooo wasted!" ~ Time Internet

#7730

Nothing says 'Happy Birthday' like a free energy boost on Mafia Wars. Internet

#7731

I got a bit nervous when I registered myself on Party Poker and it asked me where it was recommended from Internet

#7732

"'This free version contains Ads.' Ad: 'Buy the Ad free version.'" Internet

#7733

"I've decided that the time has come to cancel my twitter account. I don't like to sound paranoid but I'm pretty sure people are following me." Internet

#7734

"I just looked up a girl's skirt... About 30,900,000 results (.437 seconds)" Internet

#7735

An empty web browser History is a sure sign of guilt. Internet

#7736

"People say the Internet is making kids dumber as they can just look everything up but I reckon, used properly, It can help kids with their education: My 6 year old can already spell lol and ffs!" Internet

#7737

"My Asian girlfriend loves it when I put a particular fruit inside her bottle of corona... That is all." Internet

#7738

"They say bad things happen to good people. Well my fellow Sickipedians, we're in the clear." Internet

#7739

"Rumour has it that if a Joke scores seven positive votes in the first minute it will last longer than Justin Bieber does in bed. Actually, if it scores seven negative votes in the first minute it would still last longer than Justin Bieber in bed." Internet

#7740

"Featured Video on YouTube: Glow stick Lesbians - Black Ninja I'm 75% happy" Internet

#7741

Look Party Poker, I only have 2 hands and frankly you're demanding too much of them. Internet

#7742

I just saw a film about Facebook, I think I'll let it know. Internet

#7743

"When a girl is silent, that's pretty dangerous. She's either overthinking, tired of waiting, about to blow, lonely, needs a hug, falling apart or crying inside. and most probably all of those above.." - A Facebook group quite obviously written by a girl. Had it been written by a bloke it would read "When a girl is silent, you know she's either unconscious, has finally learnt her place in life, or has been so badly beaten for talking out of place she can't quite walk or talk yet. and most probably all of those above.." Internet

#7744

"Four years for setting up a Facebook Page encouraging rioting is a bit kind. I think he should have been poked to death." Internet

#7745

"I joined a dating website for people with STDs and now I'm being asked how I became such a Casanova. Being positive is key, I say." Internet

#7746

"I enjoy watching rivers flowing on the Internet. I was watching a live stream earlier....." Internet

#7747

Twitter - Taking the leg work out of stalking since 2006. Internet

#7748

"Internet dating and text messaging has changed my life. I used to date girls with standards; now I date girls with STDs." Internet

#7749

"Just seen this Facebook group: I love it when in the middle of our kiss I can feel you smiling. I personally love it when I can feel them trying to shout and scream." Internet

#7750

The inventor of the progress bar managed to do 99% of it really quickly, but the last bit took him ages. Internet

#7751

Whilst downloading a 4GB movie in only 5 mins, I have the right to say my Internet is pretty fly for a WiFi. Internet

#7752

"Facebook: Providing scripts for the best TV shows since 2005." Internet

#7753

You know you've been staring at your ex-girlfriend's Facebook picture for to long when you think: 'Did she just blink?' Internet

#7754

"I have a question for ask Ollie. Why isn't Google working on my phone?" Internet

#7755

As an Internet user, I like to keep tabs on my favourite websites Internet

#7756

"Yesterday I was looking through the app store for something to help me light a candle. It just kept telling me 'No matches found.'" Internet

#7757

"Not everything on the Internet is true..." Wait, so you mean there's not beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me?" Internet

#7758

"My latest business venture is a online agency for Comedy Club MC's. It's called "MarketTheCompere.com" Internet

#7759

"I bought a print copy of a newspaper this morning. I didn't get a chance to go on the Internet yesterday so I thought I'd better catch up." Internet

#7760

"I think if Microsoft changed their search engine to Bang, a lot more people would start using it. "I just banged Cheryl Cole." Internet

#7761

According to my sidebar ads, I am a fat lesbian who needs a new Honda. Internet

#7762

"So, you don't even have to be friends with people to poke them on Facebook now. If only real life were like this. Oh, wait. I'm Tiger Woods. Real life IS like this" Internet

#7763

"The No1 search on Yahoo! at the moment is David Beckham. I think I might be able to help there... he's in Finland." Internet

#7764

If a bird uses twitter, what does a bear use? Internet

#7765

"What have illegal downloads and very wet weather got in common? Torrents shall reign." Internet

#7766

"My cousin said having both parents die in a car crash was the most depressing thing that's ever happened to her. She's obviously never got her hopes up after posting a Joke on Sickipedia, having it voted up a few times in the first couple of minutes, only to find it's been buried when you refresh the page 5 minutes later." Internet

#7767

"What do Sickipedia and my wife have in common? They only suck on weekends." Internet

#7768

"The problem with the Internet is that I'm becoming hardened to acts of extreme violence. Yesterday whilst out shopping I got an erection watching a tramp being beaten up." Internet

#7769

I have just told iTunes that I've read and agreed to their Terms of Service when I actually haven't! I've never felt more alive!! Internet

#7770

"I have 1 comment about your browsing History. Nothing says everything." Internet

#7771

"Why do people feel the need to lie about their achievements to strangers on the Internet? Then again, if I hadn't invented the microchip and penicillin maybe I'd lie too." Internet

#7772

People will believe anything that's said on the Internet, just ask jeeves Internet

#7773

"Plus net 'A call centre don't road' , In Bradford.... So your call will still be answered by someone who doesn't speak English and doesn't understand a word you're saying. Actually the call centre is in Sheffield. The Joke is still funny though." Internet

#7774

"Boy1: Do you know there is still life beyond Internet Boy2: Really..???!!... Give me the link." Internet

#7775

It's so off putting when the pop-up guy flicking his poker chips starts staring at you when you're trying to finish.... Internet

#7776

Microsoft buy Skype from EBay. Top-rated seller. Internet

#7777

"After very nearly failing to perform in bed last night, the wife said she'd pop to the Internet Cafe and research erectile dysfunction. If I went wither." Internet

#7778

If my Facebook was an actual book, its pages would all be stuck together. Internet

#7779

I thought Jade Goody dying was the reason for sever crashing. No such luck!!!! Internet

#7780

You know you've been on Sickipedia too long, when you burst into the BBC studios in a cloud of cs gas, hold a gun to How Edward's head, and demand they start coming up with better material for our Jokes... Internet

#7781

"How many Sickipedians suffer from obsessive compulsive personality disorder? About 95% of them, judging by the number of Jokes that get endlessly repeated." Internet

#7782

On Wikipedia's article on Foot Fetishism "References" is now "Foot Notes". Search it. Internet

#7783

"I'm a huge follower of Satan, On Twitter of course." Internet

#7784

"It's not just the people in DR Congo who are having a really bad day. Last night I posted three Jokes on here and this morning I have "3 unread messages" Internet

#7785

"My mate called me an untalented, unfunny, sad lonely point scorer on Sickipedia. I was so shocked I almost stopped "contributing and crediting" to other people's Jokes." Internet

#7786

The only acting FRED should be doing is in an advert for abortion. Internet

#7787

My Internet History is so dirty even my Internet Provider has lost its virginity. Internet

#7788

I'm considering taking out a super injunction I'm not quite sure what they are but I have noticed how a lot of people who have taken them out receive a lot of interest on twitter. Internet

#7789

"IMDB.COM- "Spider-Man" producer Laura Ziskin dies" How apt that I found out on the web........" Internet

#7790

"Let's face it, all of us are far too handsome and interesting to use this website's new dating service. I mean, personally, I feel I'm good enough to pull girls on Club Penguin." Internet

#7791

"Have you heard about that anti-Muslim Internet provider? It's called Pork pork." Internet

#7792

Facebook: The only place you can look into young girls' lives and not be called a paedophile Internet

#7793

Great so Google is 13 years old and already thinks it knows everything Internet

#7794

"Sickipedia's server. >:(" Internet

#7795

What's the betting Amazon has database latency problems before todays out. Internet

#7796

What is it with this new face book? Its suggesting I actually talk to people instead of just browse through their photos and have a lurk, that's a sure fire way to get me deleted, good one Facebook. Internet

#7797

"Is anyone else sitting here, with 3 separate Internet explorer windows up? Sickipedia, Red tube and BBC news. \------------- Why have separate windows when you can have one window and separate tabs?" Internet

#7798

"What's a Sickipedia's favourite drink? Frappuccino." Internet

#7799

"The Sickipedia Duplication Checker. Making Emile Heskey look comparatively effective since 2010." Internet

#7800

Putting a Joke on sickipedia is like being a paedophile vicar at a wedding. You start off with good intentions then a couple of minutes later find yourself staring at the bottom of the page. Internet

#7801

"Dali Mail: Extra million 'silver surfers' go online as one in four Internet users are now over 50. Translation - one in four Internet users are old dirty peados." Internet

#7802

"A mate of mine's girlfriend is late and he said there's nothing worse than waiting for her to get her period. He's obviously never felt the anxiety of opening up 1 Unread Message." Internet

#7803

I'm a PC bandwagon and my life on sickipedia is definitely coming to an end Internet

#7804

"Dad, am I okay to download this new software?" "Is it safe?" "Well, loads of people have got it!" "Loads of people have got AIDS but that isn't safe" Internet

#7805

"Google chrome is split into two sections. Incognito. And the rest is History." Internet

#7806

"I love the Irony... Millions of Africans starving, and yet, the birds eye views of the world cup stadiums makes them look like giant bowls of Coco Pops" Irony

#7807

There's got to be an online course that I can take to get over my Internet addiction. Irony

#7808

My colleagues all think I'm posh. I'm not, I went to one of the roughest colleges in Cambridge Irony

#7809

If your name is Charlie or Mike do you still have to spell it phonetically on the phone? Irony

#7810

"My wife thinks I sound too much like Jeremy Clarkson. So I'll try to prove her wrong. I mean, how hard it can be?" Irony

#7811

I find it ironic that people use words they don't understand. Irony

#7812

IRONY: Getting hit by a Dodge. Irony

#7813

"My girlfriend said, "You're too judgmental of me." I gave her a 6/10 for her posture during that sentence." Irony

#7814

"I always pull fat women and they all seem to say the same thing. "Stop pulling me" Irony

#7815

I love oxymoron's, but I despise contradictory statements. Irony

#7816

"My son asked me, "what's an example of poetic justice?" I told him, it's like when a woman falls down the stairs, at a battered woman's shelter." Irony

#7817

"My girlfriend left me because I'm "a clueless idiot." I didn't even know I had a girlfriend." Irony

#7818

What a day for Google Wave to launch Irony

#7819

I am a master of subtlety, but not many people realize that. Irony

#7820

Ironic, you're more likely to be English if you fail the English exam Irony

#7821

"Romanians having to flee their homes due to religious and bigoted intolerance. I didn't think Belfast was like that." Irony

#7822

"Apple have released a new gadget exclusive to the UK that the Americans just can't seem to get their heads around. They've named it the..... IRONY" Irony

#7823

I'm against protesting, but I'm not sure how to show it Irony

#7824

I'm not posh - I'm just jolly good at Polo Irony

#7825

"I can't believe my wife takes soaps so seriously, it's not real. Anyway, rant over, gotta catch up on WrestleMania." Irony

#7826

A black man asked me the other day what Irony was, so I stabbed him and took his wallet. Irony

#7827

"A few weeks ago my wife said to me, "Honey, what do you say I serve your favourite meal tonight. You can have a delicious pot roast cooked just the way you like it, with the peas, carrots, and onions on top, some creamy smashed potatoes on the side with gravy, some hot biscuits, and a Guinness to wash it all down." I said, jokingly, "No, I'd like to just stay in tonight." Ironically, I've been eating out every night since then." Irony

#7828

My mum doesn't see the Irony in saying 'Your mum' to me as an insult. Irony

#7829

I just watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and I thought to myself, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized, I just watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes... Irony

#7830

Does anybody else here find it ironic that the only time we see fat people run is for the bus? Irony

#7831

"Last week the candle factory burned down at the bottom of my road. Everyone just stood around and sang 'Happy Birthday'." Irony

#7832

"I took a girl out on a date to a restaurant last night. At the end of the meal, the waiter brought over the bill. As I went to pay, the girl said she wanted to pay half. I told her it was fine for me to pay but she insisted and said she wouldn't take no for an answer. Ironically, she would find out 2 hours later that neither would I." Irony

#7833

"Britain has been declared the "booziest" nation in the world. Now off down the pub to celebrate the good news." Irony

#7834

"I threw a ball for my dog Rover this morning and he ran out in the road and got run over by a Rover. How ironic is that? Especially as Alanis Morissette was driving it." Irony

#7835

Fe, the Ultimate Irony. Irony

#7836

"Guy 1: Look! It's Irony man! Guy 2: Wow! What's his special power? Guy 1: He irons really well! Guy 2: ... Guy 1: Which is ironic because he's a man." Irony

#7837

"I was walking my dogs through the woods today, when I came across a man tying a rope with a noose to the branch of a tree. " Everything all right mate? " I asked. " Fine ", he replied. It's good we live in such a civilized country." Irony

#7838

These talk to frank pamphlets make excellent roach material. Irony

#7839

"Swine flu ad man catches virus" Irony 1. Advertising 0" Irony

#7840

With red, pouting lips, an enrapturing smile that brought you in, deep blue eyes which transfixed you and a body which looked like that of a goddess, Lucy had a beauty which defied description. Irony

#7841

"My wife accused me of being a selfish pig last night over dinner! I nearly choked on her steak." Irony

#7842

I possess a colossal aversion towards individuals who utilize unnecessarily elongated formal lexis since they appear supercilious whereas, in veracity, they are tremendously inferior to the archetypal populace. Irony

#7843

I love it when people don't get sarcasm. Irony

#7844

Talk to Frank Currently has '49 users online' Irony

#7845

"The emblem for the New Zealand Air force is a kiwi bird in a circle. Well done New Zealand, your emblem for the air force is a flightless bird." Irony

#7846

"On an Inside Xbox video about Kinect and the microphone, the girl at the end talks about how she can use the Xbox from the kitchen. Irony." Irony

#7847

My girlfriend is still with me because of my obsession with lying. Irony

#7848

"Irony [ahy-ruh-nee] noun "A fleet of 11 fire engines worth 1.3m and belonging to the national Fire Service College in Gloucestershire has been destroyed in a blaze." Irony

#7849

You know that old saying "Don't mix business with pleasure" .... That's my dream of becoming a gynecologist out of the window!! Irony

#7850

Advice to poor People/Council House tenants -disguise the fact that your property needs expensive external cladding work by covering the whole of your house with St George's Flags Irony

#7851

"Isn't it ironic, after I spent months hanging around the gates trying to sneak into schools? My punishment was being put on the register." Irony

#7852

"I just got my head kicked in after having an argument about Irony with the fearsomely named "Outlaws" biker gang. Within minutes they fled the scene on their fully taxed and insured motorcycles whilst ensuring they were wearing their crash helmets as instructed to do so under the Road Safety Act 1973." Irony

#7853

"If TV series 'Bad Girls' has taught me anything prisons are exclusively populated by bad actors. Lindsey should be fine." Irony

#7854

"I think I know around 90% of the topics for my math's exam next week. Unfortunately, percentages aren't one of them..." Irony

#7855

"SKY NEWS "Church Worker Stabbed at Anti-Crime Event " Carlsberg don't do Irony..." Irony

#7856

They always say us British are the best when it comes to understanding Irony, well obviously, we have a newspaper called The Sun!!! Irony

#7857

"My Family were getting really upset by my choice to live life as a utilitarianism. So I've turned my back on it, as long as it makes them happy." Irony

#7858

"My black next door neighbour has just given birth to a baby son. She was looking for a name, so I gave her a suggestion. But she said she didn't see the Irony in naming him Rob." Irony

#7859

"What's the difference between Heather Mills and Fernando Torres? Torres has two left feet." Irony

#7860

"Talk about being hypocritical I just got 2 identical messages off sickipedia for having a duplicate Joke" Irony

#7861

Would I be terribly ironic if Bin Laden finds Maddie? Irony

#7862

"What's the definition of Irony? Muslims claiming dogs and pigs are unclean." Irony

#7863

I'm not a poser. I just pretend to be one. Irony

#7864

My girlfriend just broke up with me. She says I spend too Much time talking to people I don't even know online. Just wait til 'pokemonmaster91' hears about this. Irony

#7865

My pessimism has never failed me but I'm sure it will one day. Irony

#7866

"I told my kid "Those who do not learn from the past are condemned to repeat it." He replied "Yeah, dad. You've told me before." Irony

#7867

Irony: Discovering that a Joke you posted complaining about people posting duplicates is itself a duplicate. Irony

#7868

Irony = "We're making a stand against mindless music by buying Rage against the Machine like we were told to do." Irony

#7869

Hi, I'm a U.S Squaddie. And chucking that grenade through that window was my idea. Irony

#7870

"My wife says that I'm too skeptical of everything she tells me. But I doubt that." Irony

#7871

"Got my own back today! Had to paint some lines for the car park at the toaster factory. Made them all just a little bit too small to fit a car in." Irony

#7872

"The uk has been named the fifth laziest nation in the world. I have got good reason why this isn't true. I would tell you - but I can't be bothered." Irony

#7873

"My wife said I'm really patronizing to her all the time. I asked her for one time when this was true. She thought about it for a while and said "Ummm...What's a good example?" I replied "Something that clearly denotes an occasion when you can reference your argument with an affirmed point." Irony

#7874

"Definition of Irony. Having no signal in a mobile phone shop." Irony

#7875

"Sky News: Libya Plane Crash Survivor Flies Home "I bet he was looking forward to that flight?" Irony

#7876

"BBC News: '2,400 jobs are to be axed as a result of Job Centre Plus office closures.' ''Staff will be offered jobs elsewhere'', said the Minister for Irony." Irony

#7877

"My mate told me I always take things the wrong way. I was ecstatic." Irony

#7878

"Reggae star Beenie Man has given an interview to MTV News, in which he describes his struggle to achieve success in Europe, having had an uphill fight against racism and bigotry inherent in the music industry. His new single, 'Burn De Battyman' is released on Monday." Irony

#7879

"They would be suicide bomber on the American flight on Christmas day failed to blow up the plane, but his actions have made airports worldwide introduce the new Full Body Scanners that see you naked. So while he failed to murder white people for their perversions and what not, he succeeded in allowing us unlimited access under all those burkhas. Poetic Justice, I think you would agree." Irony

#7880

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score? Irony

#7881

I really don't understand trailer parks; you buy a caravan or mobile home, then you take it then you park it and you'll never move it again. It's like buying an iPod and nailing it onto your table. Irony

#7882

"Well annoyed that loads of places will be closed just because of the Royal Wedding, which we are paying for with our taxes. Means I have to wait till Monday now to collect my jobseekers allowance." Irony

#7883

"Manchester City are set to rename their stadium to 'The Etihad Stadium', which translates to.... 'The United Stadium' Fail." Irony

#7884

It's a little ironic that we're getting so many 'PC' Jokes on the most politically incorrect website on the Internet. Irony

#7885

True story, I saw some disabled people in a club called "Walkabout" last night. Irony? Irony

#7886

Civil aviation is making miracles: your breakfast in Rome, your lunch in London, your dinner in New York, your luggage in Bangladesh. Irony

#7887

"The definition of Irony: The one night you don't check under the bed for the bogeyman, he gets you while your parents are out eating tapas. Hey, I resent being called the boogeyman" Irony

#7888

"Ask an American - "What is Irony?" they usually say "Spinach?" Irony

#7889

Ironic: Females teaching other females how to drive. Irony

#7890

Ironically, the further forward you move the car seat because you're short, the taller you have to be to reach the seatbelt Irony

#7891

"'It's like ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife' that's not Irony, that's a prison canteen" Irony

#7892

Irony: Telling someone on Facebook to get a life. Irony

#7893

Isn't it ironic what you get when you take all the vowels out of female Irony

#7894

"Have you noticed how all the subversive comedians satire observational comedy by observing something that only a minuscule amount of the audience would actually observe then saying "What's all that about?" What's all that about?" Irony

#7895

Ironic really isn't it, all those chances Dwight York got in the box and the one time he produces something special he was in Jordan Irony

#7896

"How come everybody who's had "LOVE" and "HATE" tattooed on their knuckles always lose the "E" finger on the "HATE" hand? Or is it that standup comedians all know the same bloke?" Irony

#7897

"It's that age old question. How old are you?" Irony

#7898

I think the most ironic thing about Irony is that it's not made of metal at all. Irony

#7899

"Facebook: Ironically, the more friends you have the less popular you are." Irony

#7900

"You can't even write racial abuse in excrement on someone's car anymore. Its political correctness gone mad." Irony

#7901

"I was chatting up a woman in the pub last night. I said, "I wish you were my homework." She said, "Why because you'd be doing me on the table all night?" I said, "No because you're easy, I'd rush through it and it would be very messy." Irony

#7902

I saw a young black girl wearing a brownies uniform earlier. Some people really don't understand Irony. I love those people. Irony

#7903

"I was looking at an online memorial of one of my old teachers and his wife. One photo had a picture of the happy couple together with the words 'Our love burns like an eternal flame.' I had to laugh. They died in a house fire." Irony

#7904

The definition of Irony: Having a Jewish gasman. Irony

#7905

"The police came around to arrest me due to the negligence of my housebound son... Luckily I wasn't home." Irony

#7906

I'm sick of all these immigrants coming over here and they don't even bother learning the language. Irony

#7907

Irony is people complaining about Facebook's privacy settings when every other update is about their weekly visit to their Gynecologist. Irony

#7908

"The best job in the world is a bomb disposal expert. When you think about it you will never remember having a bad day." Irony

#7909

"I've just woke up to the news that my next door neighbour has strangled his wife, killed his two kids and hung himself. I'm shocked to the core and absolutely gutted. I was going to borrow his barbecue today." Irony

#7910

"After hearing The FA comment on David Bentley's drink driving ban, it gave me the idea that they are against footballers drinking alcohol. So why do they have the Carling Cup?" Irony

#7911

Anyone else think it's ironic that "This Is It" is a PG? Irony

#7912

"I hate these Muppets that copy Jokes & never think for themselves but still want the credit for it. 6 minutes ago via status shuffle." Irony

#7913

"A man called me pretentious the other day. If you ask me, that's like the basin calling the cauldron ebony." Irony

#7914

"When two aero planes nearly collide they call it a near miss. Sounds more like a near hit to me." Irony

#7915

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. Irony

#7916

I'm really confused; Britain has turned white and it has stopped working. Irony

#7917

"My dad always told me running from bullies would get me nowhere. Don't think he quite understood the Irony in it." Irony

#7918

"Example of Irony: Pointing out somebody else's ironic failure only to be guilty of the same mistake." Irony

#7919

Studies have shown that 1 in every 49.5 people is an amputee Irony

#7920

"BBC NEWS:"Secure hospital 'was left unlocked' " So it's not secure then?" Irony

#7921

"A friend told me that he's scared of dwarfs. I asked him if he's also scared of normal people when they're far away." Irony

#7922

"I've just bought my Alzheimer's suffering granddad a memory foam mattress for his birthday. Oh the Irony." Irony

#7923

Ironically, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are named after something which is rich and vibrant until it goes out of date, then becomes wrinkly, undesirable, and mellows out. Irony

#7924

The Irony of when a gritter skids out of control. Irony

#7925

"Lurpack Spreadable Ironically, the only thing I am spreading is my bread around the plate." Irony

#7926

"It's a shame Manchester United aren't sponsored by Sharp anymore. Seeing Wayne Rooney running around with it on his chest would be the epitome of Irony." Irony

#7927

"I was gonna stab that Alanis Morissette, but all I had was 10,000 spoons when all I needed was a knife. Isn't that ironic?" Irony

#7928

"I went into my local off license and picked up a bottle of Frosty Jacks cider today. "You having a wild night?" Asked the shopkeeper laughing. "Nah mate," I replied, "I'm planning on redecorating the bathroom and I see that you're out of paint stripper." Irony

#7929

Ironically my mate Stanley slashed his wrists. Irony

#7930

South Korea - where sausage dogs become dog sausages. Irony

#7931

My mate told me he had a deep obsession with feet. I believed him at first, but then I realized he was pulling my leg. Irony

#7932

"MSN News: Woman, 30, seriously hurt after being hit by Dodge 4X4. oh the Irony!" Irony

#7933

"I used to be so insecure in my relationship but after recent events I know for a fact that my wife loves me Take tonight for example she ran me a lovely deep bath and balanced an electric fire on the taps just in case I got cold....... How thoughtful is that!" Irony

#7934

Mario Kart is so unrealistic. I mean, how does Mario's hat stay on? Irony

#7935

"My mate was supposed to be lending me his memory stick, He forgot it." Irony

#7936

"My girlfriend just said to me I was a waster, with scruffy clothes, no home and no money. I beg to differ" Irony

#7937

"I now know why they call it a Dental Practice. They pulled the wrong tooth today." Irony

#7938

"Definition of Irony: Scottish football chiefs and politicians slamming Celtic fans for their strong opposition to wearing the poppy as the people it represents helped give us freedom of expression......." Irony

#7939

15- the amount of times i will smack someone in the face if they inbox me a number on Facebook. Irony

#794

"I said to my wife: "You're like a snowflake" "Aw is that because I'm so beautiful and there's none other like me?" "No, when you first came along I had fun but after two weeks I hated you"." Irony

#7941

I'd like to be an optimist but I know I'd be terrible at it. Irony

#7942

"Definition of Irony: Someone cable tied my scissors." Irony

#7943

"I had a great Joke about Madeline McCann, but I couldn't get to my laptop to put it on this site and I knew I'd forget it, so I wrote it down on a bit of paper and left it in the hotel room, but when I came back it had completely disappeared... Oh the Irony..." Irony

#7944

"I like to think of myself as quite a lucky a guy. Every time I go on an Internet site I seem to be the 999,999th visitor! All I do is enter all my credit card details and wait for the prize! What are the chances!" Irony

#7945

"I don't get most of the Jokes on here recently and you English can't even spell properly it's remotely you idiots. America. -------------------------- Please a) take note of the following grammatical and structural corrections: "I DON'T get most of the Jokes THAT HAVE BEEN POSTED on here recently and you English CAN'T even spell properly: IT'S 'REMOTELY' you idiots." b) note the definition of Irony before you bother posting again. England" Irony

#7946

"Two things you should really know about me. Firstly, I am really forgetful." Irony

#7947

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, like I've never heard that before. Irony

#7948

Loving these riots. I'm having a great time driving round all the ghettos & robbing the dealer's houses whilst they're out looting. Irony

#7949

How ironic would it be if someone killed Sean Penn with a sword. Irony

#7950

"My friend who works for Royal Mail's Customer Service Department said that they receive 1 million letters a year complaining about their poor service. Can you believe that? 3 million people a year complaining!" Irony

#7951

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Irony

#7952

If I could have chosen any superpower as a kid, it would have been the power of hindsight. Irony

#7953

I think my efforts to cut down on using clichés are going well. I'm just taking each day as it comes and giving it 110% Irony

#7954

"Irony. Women moaning they spend too much time in the kitchen, and then wanting to spend all of Sunday walking around MFI." Irony

#7955

"'The Cure for Ginger Hair, Only 5 Pounds!' Bit cheap for a gun don't you think?" Irony

#7956

Isn't it ironic that when Chinese people farts? Irony

#7957

So there I was on the pavement on my knees, begging the wife for forgiveness... Which was ironic, because it was curb crawling that had got me into trouble in the first place. Irony

#7958

"My wife has left me because of my obsession with battleships. It's never happened B4" Irony

#7959

First the American's vote a black man into the White House. Then tens of thousands of kids mourn the death of a Paedophile. American's don't get Irony do they? Irony

#7960

"Explosion at Hospital Treating Bomb Victims" If that doesn't scream Irony then I don't know what does" Irony

#7961

"Man hits woman with a large metal kitchen appliance after creases in his favourite shirt." That's has Irony written all over it." Irony

#7962

"Had a flash pop-up on the Internet which said "suicide bombers wanted!" gosh, I was blown away decided to take a look and had pictures of suicide jumpers, I thought. I'm not falling for this" Irony

#7963

"For the whole of their childhood, we tell children 1. Not to go out after dark 2. Not to talk to strangers 3. Not to take sweets from anyone they don't know then every year we have Halloween . . ." Irony

#7964

"My wife says I'm too much of a skeptic I'm not so sure" Irony

#7965

"Robbery at steel factory that's Irony." Irony

#7966

"In love, you go to bed early. In marriage, you go to sleep early." Irony

#7967

"In my diary it says my goal for this week: make a goal for this week next week: understand Irony." Irony

#7968

"Necrophilia... I've never felt more alive!" Irony

#7969

Imagine a world without speculation. Irony

#7970

You can't beat Rihanna. Irony

#7971

"THE TIMES: Optimist drowns in half-full bath tub." Irony

#7972

So I went to the fridge for some cheese earlier and the strangest thing happened, there was a grinding sound like a crank, and I saw this elastic thing thrust forward, launching a boot at a bucket which toppled over leaving a marble zigzagging towards a chute it collided with a pole which at the top is hand shaped and has a ball precariously placed at the top and it fell and landed in a bathtub, through a hole and onto one end of a seesaw this sends a diver into a tub which is connected to a pole with a cage than landed on top of me, so I couldn't get my cheese... talk about bad days... Irony

#7973

"From Facebook: Portugal. Many Who 'Like' This Also Like 'Kidnapping'." Irony

#7974

"My friends call me Mr. Apathetic. But I don't care." Irony

#7975

Isn't it ironic that the chances of a fat man pulling a chick are very thin Irony

#7976

Become an Archaeologist; your job lies in ruins. Irony

#7977

"The Pope has spoken out against the rise of 'aggressive secularism' in the modern world. He added, "Remember, anyone who doesn't believe what we tell them to believe will be cast into a lake of burning excrement for all eternity." Irony

#7978

"Yeah my dad was a Women's Rights Activist" "Your dad?" "Yup" "Not your mum?" "No ... Dad would have never allowed that" Irony

#7979

I was going to write a Joke about agnostics, but I'm not so sure now. Irony

#7980

Isn't it ironic that the American's emergency service number is 9/11? Irony

#7981

Irony: Looking for a Where's Wally book. Irony

#7982

"My wife left me because I find absolutely everything ironic. Oh the Irony..."Irony

#7983

"Procrastination, because writing this Joke means delaying another few minutes." Irony

#7984

"Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a bloke to get those odds?" Irony

#7985

"Anyone else find it Ironic that Iron is in Irony, especially since that's what my wife refused to do this morning, and consequently that's what gave her the red mark on her face." Irony

#7986

"Dear Contact Lens Makers, Why do you make something so small and so see through for people who can see so little?" Irony

#7987

"So in town today, there was a sign in Greggs saying Happy Ramadan... Irony at its best." Irony

#7988

"Trapped Miners Told to Sing for Their Sanity" How about "release me"?" Irony

#7989

"A wise man once said "Better out than in" Ironically, that man bled to death." Irony

#7990

"My wife woke me up this morning by saying, "Happy Chinese New Year!" I could hardly open my eyes. Ah what an Irony..." Irony

#7991

"I can't believe my wife says I'm vain and like the sound of my own voice" I said to the mirror." Irony

#7992

"I despise people who fabricate historical facts... So did Winston Churchill's boyfriend." Irony

#7993

"A senior Afghan peace negotiator has been shot dead in Kabul, officials say. It was either that, or sack him for gross incompetence." Irony

#7994

The ironic thing about smokers is that they are always keen to get out into the fresh air Irony

#7995

"As a law-abiding taxpayer, it makes my blood boil to read in the paper about the cushy lives prisoners in this country have. PlayStation, pool tables, aromatherapy sessions... I'd kill to have those kind of things." Irony

#7996

It's ironic that as soon as Shaheen is available for dates, Michael Jackson isn't. Irony

#7997

Definition of Irony: Being beaten to death by a first aid kit. Irony

#7998

"I've just had my idea for a new public holiday rejected. What's wrong with 'Alzheimer remembrance day'?" Irony

#7999

"BBC News: PM says James Murdoch has 'questions to answer'. Politicians complaining about not getting a straight answer? Annoying isn't it Mr. Cameron?" Irony

#8000

What is the difference between a market trader and a sausage dog?? A market trader bawls out his wears on the pavement. Irony

#8001

I seriously can't wait any longer for a cure for impatience. Irony

#8002

With all these Jokes on here about the vevezulas at the world cup, it's a wonder no-one has spelt it wron Irony

#8003

"I was watching 'World's most dangerous drivers' yesterday... On my in car TV" Irony

#8004

'They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now' Irony

#8005

"My mate was going to book the transfer deadline day off work so he could watch Sky Sports News. Then he realized he supports Everton." Irony

#8006

Definition of Irony: wheeling my Nan into the walk-in center. Irony

#8007

I'll never forget what my old granddad told me. 'If a story is worth telling, it's worth exaggerating'. That was just after he had single handedly won the Second World War. Irony

#8008

"I don't get when you see this "Please be aware all chat is logged for data protection purposes. " Wouldn't it make sense, if you don't log the chat then there's not data to protect??" Irony

#8009

"I keep trying to convince my friend to use Google's Instant Search, but he is not moved by my arguments. Jokes on him though. He is wasting on average 0.3 seconds of his life every time he searches for something." Irony

#8010

Wouldn't it be ironic, if you died in the living room? Irony

#8011

"I always watch my films online. That way I don't have to sit though those god-awful piracy warnings." Irony

#8012

I would kill to have my first degree murder charges dropped. Irony

#8013

"What's the definition of ironic? Putting a Crime stoppers advert on Sickipedia." Irony

#8014

"Carlsberg don't make a decent beer. If they did, I wouldn't drink Stella and the wife wouldn't be nursing two black eyes this morning..... ....Probably." Irony

#8015

Ironically my Muslim girlfriend who've cheated on me lives just a stone's throw away. Irony

#8016

"BBC: 'Sorry about this, there is a problem with the sound. In the meantime here is some music' Oh the Irony..." Irony

#8017

"I really hate fickle people, although they're not too bad..." Irony

#8018

Optimism. One day it will pay off Irony

#8019

Kinda ironic that a 12 year old boy will be performing at Michael Jackson's farewell ceremony Irony

#8020

"On my box of Lucky Charms... Servings: Approximately 13" Irony

#8021

"I once said to my son, 'You never get anything in life for free'. He laughed at me and said, 'What about that piece of advice you idiot!' So I went over and took his wheelchair." Irony

#8022

A mate of mine told me I didn't get sarcasm then complimented me on my nice yellow teeth Irony

#8023

Ironically, I seem to forget Remembrance Day every year... Irony

#8024

I'm a metaphor...Literally Irony

#8025

"I like to try and have a good, positive outlook on my life After all, knowing my luck it'll be over in a couple of years" Irony

#8026

They all laughed at me when I told them i wanted to be a comedian, from then I knew my future was bright Irony

#8027

"I was on a pub-crawl round town last night and I saw a young man wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the slogan: "I fear no beer". So I bottled him." Irony

#8028

I went into my local T-Mobile shop the other day...... I didn't get any service Irony

#8029

"Post Mortem Results on Flat Children" Squashed..." Irony

#8030

"Irony. My wife was decapitated in a head-on collision." Irony

#8031

If god doesn't have a sense of Irony, how come the owner of the Segway Company fell off and died? Irony

#8032

"Today my girlfriend told me that I was becoming rather nerdy. So I falcon punched her." Irony

#8033

"My wife told me she's leaving be because I never say anything to her face Needless to say, the text I sent her when she left was an angry one." Irony

#8034

"One of those injury lawyer campaigners distracted me today in town and I walked into a lamp post. I'm now making him sue himself for me." Irony

#8035

"There is a saying... "Anything can be a saying." Irony

#8036

Ironic - The only time you want your wife to open her mouth she "has an headache".... Irony

#8037

"I have been called too vague by you know who but you know the old saying..." Irony

#8038

My grandmother asked me if I hate God, because I don't go to church. I told her that I cannot possibly hate someone who doesn't exist. Irony

#8039

There'd be a certain Irony if Hugh Hefner died from Myxomatosis. Irony

#8040

"Two men in a hospital are talking for a good few hours, deep into the night... "...And that is the meaning of Irony my friend" Said Pete with a self-accomplished look on his face. "What's the meaning of Irony?" Asked the Alzheimer's patient" Irony

#8041

"I had my daughter call me whilst I was in the office today. It was the sweetest thing! Until I remembered that I work at the call centre for Childline..." Irony

#8042

Believe it or not but Bob's my uncle. Irony

#8043

"I read over a fire pamphlet in a hotel, which read: IN THE EVENT OF A FIRE: DO NOT: - Attempt to collect your belongings - Attempt to put out the fire yourself - Read over this pamphlet." Irony

#8044

Ironically, the black box in an aircraft is the only thing that works after a crash. Irony

#8045

"I was in a club last night and spotted a lonely looking woman (a solid 9/10) stood at the bar. Being the gentleman that I am, I swaggered over to the woman and said with a husky voice "Do you know how much polar bears weigh, love?" With a giggle the woman looked back at me and purred "Enough to break the ice?" I said "Usually around 680kg" and walked off. I showed her." Irony

#8046

A man walks into a camouflage shop. Irony

#8047

People tell me I should be more secretive. Irony

#8048

"BBC News: Plastic heart gives dad Matthew Green new lease of life. Just the chance to once again see his children on a sunny day will melt his heart." Irony

#8049

"I took a course on how to be successful. I failed." Irony

#8050

"Unlike some people, I'm perfectly able to admit when I'm wrong. Or at least I would be, if I were ever wrong." Irony

#8051

"In Peterborough City Centre, there are two shops right next to each other called; 'Evolution' and 'Blacks'. Oh the Irony." Irony

#8052

Apparently I have this way of lighting up a room whenever I walk in to it. I flick a switch. Irony

#8053

"America: the land of the free *destination of the slave-trade" Irony

#8054

"To all those pretentious douch bags who use foreign words to make themselves look intelligent and well-travelled - stop it. Capiche?" Irony

#8055

"My wife doesn't get Irony. It's a game I invented to get crease-less shirts out of her." Irony

#8056

"What have the News of the World and Channel 4 got in common? Phone Jacker" Irony

#8057

David Cameron walks into a Library and asks for a book on Irony, the librarian says: 'sorry, we are not a Library we are a barbershop now, because you closed all the libraries'. Irony

#8058

A traveler once asked me if I knew the definition of Irony. So I ignored him and carried on pitching my caravan in his back yard. Irony

#8059

"Ironic event of the week: Muslim anti-fascist protesters gang up on, and beat one man because of his political views." Irony

#8060

As a hater of racism I wanted to purchase my own 'Say No to Racism' banner and when I checked it out they all look the same... Bit like Chinese people. Irony

#8061

"BBC News: "Google to be investigated by EU" What are they going to do, Google it?" Irony

#8062

"My mate just told me he's bought two Reading tickets. Since when did you need a ticket to read?" Irony

#8063

"All my friends are the same. They're so judgmental." Irony

#8064

Those who can't laugh at themselves, leave the job to others. Irony

#8065

If I said I was a compulsive liar, would you believe me? Irony

#8066

The Irony when Germany prepare for Euro 2012 by going to the Cry therapy chambers in Poland. Irony

#8067

My wife thinks I'm idle and I'm not gonna go out of my way to talk to her about it either. Irony

#8068

Does anyone else find it ironic that Most Haunted is on Living TV? Irony

#8069

From a young age if I was ill, the first thing I was told was to take pills and drink lots of fluid, if I couldn't sleep: "Here's a pill". Trouble with my ADHD - more pills. But, I slip one ecstasy pill in my little brother's vodka and I'm the bad influence. Irony

#8070

"You know what's ironic? People generally like white snow, hate black snow and tend to stay away from yellow snow." Irony

#8071

"How ironic US congresswoman, Gabrielle Gifford's last speech said we need to be head strong In these troubled times" Irony

#8072

"Isn't it ironic that Osama has died today? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TONY BLAIR." Irony

#8073

Isn't it ironic that women are born to cook but when you want good food, in a restaurant, you have to have a man to cook it. Irony

#8074

"I'm the most gullible person in the world... so I've been told." Irony

#8075

"It's no fun being on death row. That's why I've sent them a game to play. It's the one where you have to try to get the ring down the end without touching the wire and completing the circuit. How they must laugh when the buzzer goes off." Irony

#8076

I can resist anything except temptation. Irony

#8077

If you think you're becoming a hypochondriac, should you go and see your Doctor about it? Irony

#8078

"I was trying to make out the back- windscreen sticker on the car in front today, when it suddenly jammed its brakes on. The last words I saw before smashing into it were " GIVE BLOOD " Irony

#8079

"My wife told me I should stop repressing bad memories. I try not to think about it too much." Irony

#8080

Anyone else think that the words 'common sense' are the most ironic in the English language? Irony

#8081

"Germany has been practicing with this new style ball, in their league, for over year now and look how well they are doing ... Ironically, in 1938, when they last failed to qualify ..... Their leader Adolf Hitler had only one ball to play with." Irony

#8082

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me. Irony

#8083

"Need sympathetic advice for your incontinence problems? www. pmsltraining.co.uk/about_us.asp" Irony

#8084

"ITV: Tune in next week for the new series of 'The biggest loser' Sponsored by 'Subway'" Irony

#8085

"Saw a sign today: "Centre for blind -->" Irony" Irony

#8086

"Curry's. Ironically no Indians work there." Irony

#8087

A man stopped me in the street earlier & said "Excuse me, can you spare me a minute for Attention Deficit Disorder." Irony

#8088

"I officially want written on my Tombstone: "You Should See the Other Guy" Irony

#8089

People with time machines need to stop living in the past. Irony

#8090

You don't understand the superiority theory like I do. Irony

#8091

"I want to set up my own business selling kites but I just can't seem to get it off the ground." Irony

#8092

"Define Irony? Small doors at McDonald's." Irony

#8093

"BBC Magazine: How to strengthen your willpower If only I could be bothered to read it." Irony

#8094

I've lost more friends on Facebook than I have in real life. Irony

#8095

My wife has just sent 6000 on a new motorcycle for me as a surprise gift. I was speechless so I rushed off to the shops straight away and bought her a lovely new steam iron. You can't do enough for a good woman. Irony

#8096

A squad of over 20 Republic of Ireland Players are expected in Dublin airport today, to welcome home the Irish supporters. Irony

#8097

"Spray painted 'Irony' on the back of my wife's smart car. She shouldn't have called me pathetic." Irony

#8098

It's a bit ironic that my breast implant clinic has gone bust. Irony

#8099

Ironically my wife welcomed me with open arms after losing all her limbs in a car crash. Irony

#8100

To be or not to be?............. I hate choosing pencils Irony

#8101

Anyone else think it's ironic that the Ghanaian football team is nicknamed the 'black stars'? Irony

#8102

I hope for Cher Lloyd's sake that shaving off half her hair managed to sort her nit problem. Would be a shame otherwise. Irony

#8103

"The local sewage works blew up and all the waste scattered over the local swimming baths. Ironically the customers are greeted by a sign which now reads swim in poo." Irony

#8104

"In light of Amy Winehouse's untimely death her friend Pete Doherty has been rumored turning to drugs to help him ease his pain. Hang in there Pete, hang in there." Irony

#8105

"How ironic. The moment a girl says "do whatever you want to me" is the exact same moment she makes the only thing I want impossible to do. Rape her." Irony

#8106

Just imagine the Irony of having a dentist on The Jeremy Kyle Show. Irony

#8107

Don't you hate it when people ask questions and don't expect an answer? Irony

#8108

Isn't it funny how the dwarf actors never get to play the big roles? Irony

#8109

Irony - Gabrielle's name is spelt with one I Irony

#8110

"I love the sense of Irony that we have in Britain although it does have one unfortunate drawback. Cher Lloyd now has a number one single." Irony

#8111

"BBC News: Georgia Varley dies in Liverpool railway station fall. "When our paramedics arrived they realized that there was nothing that could be done for the girl," she said. Has anyone got a sewing kit and some glue?" Irony

#8112

"With fan's expectations being lowered for England this summer, a lot of pressure has been lifted off the team. Meaning expectations are now higher than ever." Irony

#8113

Old proverb: Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. Irony

#8114

"I was watching BBC NEWS this morning and one of the main headlines was how the Olympic flag has reached Brazil for preparation of the 2016 Olympics. As the Team GB athletes stood on the steps of the plane, I thought to myself... "We all have so much honor for our home nation!" The plane was Air France." Irony

#8115

This Joke is like a rapist. It's going to score whether you like it or not. Joke

#8116

I was recently the subject of a Joke. I chickened out of a fight, and crossed the road to get away. Joke

#8117

"Every once in a while I stop and think, "I know you can read my thoughts." Just in case." Joke

#8118

"I heard one of the best Jokes I've ever heard in my life yesterday! It was about an anti-climax." Joke

#8119

Normally my dog eats my trainers but I didn't know whales done it too! Joke

#8120

"Jokes on Sickipedia are a lot like children. If you start stealing them you'll get a bad reputation." Joke

#8121

"A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!" The man said, "What little girl?!" The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!" The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!" The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl." Joke

#8122

"Where do women pee? Because all I ever see are signs for Men and Scottish Men." Joke

#8123

"Remember: Statistically... 9 out of 10 people will testify that there was consent. Strength in numbers boys, strength in numbers." Joke

#8124

"I'm often accused of eavesdropping. I just wish they'd have the guts to say it to my face." Joke

#8125

"I can't write Jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting." So here goes: Walk forwards. Turn left. Pasteurization." Joke

#8126

What's worse than a Joke without a punch line? Joke

#8127

The problem with maths Jokes is not the Jokes themselves, but that if you get them, you don't have any friends to tell them to. Joke

#8128

Sickipedia's motto - If you can't beat them, copy them. Joke

#8129

"I was in the work canteen the other day and started shaking salt all over my chicken. My work colleague looked over and said, "Would you like some chicken to go with that salt?" I replied, "Would you like some laughter to go with that Joke?" Joke

#8130

"I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently knifing somebody to save ammo is not allowed." Joke

#8131

"Apple has a new device out for Chinese people. The I Opener" Joke

#8132

"My first Joke on here was like my first girlfriend... They were boring, annoying and it lasted about 10 minutes before they both got buried." Joke

#8133

"Don't call me in the middle of our text conversation and say, "This will be faster." There's no doubt in my mind that it will be faster, possibly even easier, but I had no desire to speak to you. Hence the text." Joke

#8134

"Jonathan has a bag of sweets. There are 13 Red Sweets, 7 Green sweets and 15 Blue sweets. Jonathan takes a sweet at random, notes it down and then returns it to the bag 10 times. What is the probability that: a) Jonathan will select 5 Green sweets? b) Jonathan will select only Blue sweets? c) Jonathan is bullied?" Joke

#8135

"A chicken and an egg walk into a bar. The barman says, "Right, who's first?" Joke

#8136

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked. Joke

#8137

"Some guy knocked at my door this morning and asked me if I've ever considered an alternative energy supplier. I said, "No, I'm quite happy with food." Joke

#8138

"I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night. I really need to stop drinking on duty." Joke

#8139

"Why don't you see any woman ventriloquists? They don't keep their mouths shut." Joke

#8140

"Well, I know I won't be able to watch Comic Relief tonight without picking up the phone. Watching all those starving kids with their distended bellies always makes me think the same thing... "I'm a bit peckish myself... I think I'll order a pizza." Joke

#8141

"I'm hoping to find a cure for my hiccups. But I'm not holding my breath." Joke

#8142

"One day, there was a man who got cursed by a gypsy. The curse was that he could only speak 4 words each year. One day, he had met a beautiful woman whom he wanted to marry, but he had already used up his 4 words. So he spent the next year courting her, buying her expensive gifts and trying to woo her. It was finally a year later, and over a candle lit dinner he proceeded to ask her the big question. 'Will you marry me?' She replied 'Pardon?'" Joke

#8143

"My wife said she's had enough of me and my selfish ways. So I thought I'd surprise her by buying her a PS3 and Call of Duty to say sorry." Joke

#8144

"What did one DNA say to another? Do these genes make me look too fat?" Joke

#8145

"I love my six-pack. It's no wonder I protect it with a thick layer of fat." Joke

#8146

Just got my results from E-Harmony.. They matched me with a computer chair and a tub of Vaseline. Joke

#8147

"I like to keep my Jokes Original. Weather's you like it or not." Joke

#8148

"When I was younger, my parents didn't want me to get a tattoo. My mum said, "If you decide to get a tattoo, make sure you get it in a place that doesn't matter" So I did, in Preston." Joke

#8149

How many of you have had that awkward moment when you have to pretend to be amused by your mates 'Wicked new Joke' that you actually read on Sickipedia over a month ago...? Joke

#8150

My mate Dean has a terrible stutter. Every time he introduces himself it's like Match of the Day is starting. Joke

#8151

Has anyone else noticed that, if you have a job, you actually don't have time to make up anagram Jokes? Joke

#8152

I'm going to change my name to Simon, then everyone has to do as I say. Joke

#8153

"I got a Joke from Orange Plus on my phone today. "What's a pirate's favourite subject? Arrrrrrt!" They seriously need to get on to this website." Joke

#8154

"Did you hear about the chicken that got further than the other side? It was beyond a Joke." Joke

#8155

"Help me!" screamed the woman in the burning building "I'm going to have to jump." "What did you say?" I shouted back as she plunged to earth. "Help me!" she screamed again. "What?" I asked again. There wasn't time for her to reply as she landed in a crumpled heap beside me. "Sorry" I said, " I didn't quite catch you there" Joke

#8156

"A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "alright. Get in." Joke

#8157

"Robin Hood lay dying, and all the faithful gathered round. With his weak and fading breath, Robin asked Marion to bring him the best arrow from the quiver beside his bed, and then asked Little John to bring him his bow. He put the arrow to the bow and aimed through the open window into the generous green sward of Sherwood Forest beyond which he loved so much. He asked of Friar Tuck, "Promise me that wherever the arrow falls, there you will bury me." And when Tuck had sworn, Robin Hood demanded the same of the others. Then with his last strength he drew on the bow and let the arrow fly. And then he died, smiling. And next day, they did as they had promised, they buried Robin Hood....... on top of his wardrobe." Joke

#8158

"Man: ily Woman: Awww write the words in full they mean more when they're written properly Man: I'm leaving you" Joke

#8159

"The Met Office is predicting that next summer will be hotter and drier than average. Unfortunately, they are also predicting that next summer will be in 2019." Joke

#8160

You know sickipedia has turned into a cult when you have to be a regular user to get the Jokes. Joke

#8161

Sir Alex Ferguson has just announced that to help reduce the number of duplicate Jokes on Sickipedia he will no longer be playing Giggs in August. Joke

#8162

"First day on the new job and I wanted to impress, so I wore my best suit and designer shoes. The Foreman guessed that I'd never worked on a building site before." Joke

#8163

With Sickipedia's new scoring system you've got to think - what's the point? Joke

#8164

"My mates all say I'm a bit of a pub scarecrow. I stand in the corner and frighten all the birds." Joke

#8165

Sickipedia- Promoting safety on the railways since 2009 Joke

#8166

"Stephen Gateley died as a result of a conversation between God and Michael Jackson in heaven. When asked if there was anything he would like in his new pad Jacko replied, "A little boy zone!" Joke

#8167

"My secretary just entered my office and said: 'We got a letter again from our office in the Sahara. They're writing that they have a very serious water shortage' 'Well', I said, 'there's always a water shortage there - it can't be that urgent' 'I think it's urgent this time', my secretary said, 'the stamp is put on the envelope with a paperclip...'" Joke

#816

"Finally my coffee has arrived, despite not being what I ordered. Still... better late than never." Joke

#8169

"Mon, Tues, Wednes, Thurs, Fri, Satur, Sun. I'm taking the day off." Joke

#8170

I bought one of those wind up radios today. I brought it home, turned it on and it kept telling me that Liverpool would win the Premiership. Joke

#8171

"Weirdest thing ever happened to me today, I got on Sickipedia." Joke

#8172

"TOP TIP to get sincere personal advice and the correct time, try calling a random telephone number in the early hours of the morning." Joke

#8173

"Why are mountains so funny? Because they are hill areas." Joke

#8174

"I was talking to this girl the other day and asked what her name was. She said, "It's Lynna". I said, "That's an unusual name - you don't hear that every day." To which she replied, "Actually, I do." Joke

#8175

"It's Sunday today... Rebecca Black's prophecy is coming true!" Joke

#8176

I came here for a Joke, not to practice my maths. Joke

#8177

"What does this Joke and aids have in common? My girlfriend will get it sooner or later." Joke

#8178

"I always touch really hot things, just to see how hot it actually is. Because I'm a bloke." Joke

#8179

"I'm not racist. All my favourite Jokes are about blacks!" Joke

#8180

"I've just had a telephone interview for a job as an engineer with B.T. The interviewer asked me "have you got any experience with communication systems?" Perhaps I should have stopped and thought before replying "you do know we are on the phone?" Joke

#8181

"A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. "Officer," he asks, "have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?" "No, I haven't. What's the problem?" "The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!" "Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asked. "Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand." Joke

#8182

Question: Before the invention of the airplane, how did they used to feed babies? Joke

#8183

"A young girl came up to me the other day the pub, well it was a bit like a restaurant, nice little bar, staff dressed very well and the decor was fantastic. Never mind. Well, she was wearing a green skirt - at least I think it was green, possibly blue - and she was about 5ft 6 - oh, wait - maybe about 5ft 3ish. Nice half-cast girl - maybe Asian, I'm not sure - and she walked up to me quite confidently (or was she shy? I can't remember). So she looked at me with her big, blue eyes - actually, they might have been brown. Well, anyway she asked me, "Are you any good at telling Jokes?" I said, "No." Joke

#8184

"To build a bit of tension, I decided to use the "long pause" technique beloved of talent shows before I announced the result after about ten seconds the Judge said, "A simple Guilty, or Not Guilty will suffice Mr. Foreman." Joke

#8185

"Sickipedia stand-up comedy night?? The biggest gathering of paedophiles since Pope Benedict XVI was elected..." Joke

#8186

"What do you call a couple that go fishing together? Rod and Annette." Joke

#8187

"It's important to keep a backup of all your work - in the unlikely event of a server crash, it may be all you've got. Luckily, here at Sickipedia we've got a dedicated team working 24/7 to duplicate your Jokes. Thanks, guys!" Joke

#8188

"How come there are even more duplicates than ever? "Your Joke is probably original". Yeah right, and my six year old daughter is probably still a virgin." Joke

#8189

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. Joke

#8190

"My wife left me because I "never stand up for myself..." ...fair enough." Joke

#8191

It's not the destination, it's the journey... Except when you're heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea. Joke

#8192

"The author of the Windows file copy dialogue visits some friends: I'm just outside town, so I should be there in fifteen minutes. Actually it's looking more like 6 days. No, wait, thirty seconds." Joke

#8193

"One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." "You're right," the other deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'It could have been worse.'" "No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse." The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!" "Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in that bed!" Joke

#8194

"According to recent statistics, over one billion people in the world live in poverty. Must be a nice place to live, seeing as it's so popular. I wonder where it is." Joke

#8195

"Bloke pulls his car up to the kerb, opens the door and says to the young lad walking home alone, "Hey kid, if I give you a 1 will you come in my car?" Kid says "You could give me a Tenner, still won't get in the Skoda, Dad!" Joke

#8196

I just saw a condom for gingers, although it's inflatable and appears to be shaped like a doll. Joke

#8197

"Apple is bringing out a new phone for less appealing people. It's called the iSore" Joke

#8198

"The school Career's Advisor asked me to call him regarding my teenage son. "Frankly," he said, "Your son is rude, churlish, and vacant with an intelligence level bordering on moronic. On the rare occasions that I can extract a response from him, inevitably it is monosyllabic..... We think he has a great future ahead of him selling trainers in Sports Direct." Joke

#8199

"Why's Sickipedia like the toilet bowl? You should never show your girlfriend what you've contributed." Joke

#8200

"Police think they have found the car that was used in the murder of Milly Dowler in 2002. I wonder if my CDs are still inside?" Joke

#8201

"I threw a stone at a duck and it tried to fly out of the way, why it didn't just lower its head?" Joke

#8202

"Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Spammer Time!" Joke

#8203

"I had to do a speech about time wasting. It lasted seven hours." Joke

#8204

"My girlfriend thinks that her head is too cone-shaped. She has a point." Joke

#8205

"SUN NEWSPAPER: WHSmith has sparked outrage by selling a graphic manual on suicide (priced 11.99). Sod paying for that. I'll get it from the Library instead." Joke

#8206

"Why did the American cross the road? To steal oil from the other side." Joke

#8207

"I went out for a few beers with my mates one Friday night and didn't get back until the next Tuesday. When I arrived home my wife was really upset. It can't have been me who upset her, I wasn't even there." Joke

#8208

"My wife said that she wanted a chat, so I agreed to sit down with her for an hour. She started going on about how 'sickipedia' is taking over my life. I said "Slow down there, tiger. You've got another 57 minutes yet." Joke

#8209

"A lot of people think I make up all my wordplay Jokes myself but I actually have a team of comedians, writers and researchers helping me out. Oh yes, I have a punning clan." Joke

#8210

SickiLeaks - people copying our Jokes and putting them as their Facebook status and playing along as if they made them up since 2006 Joke

#8211

"I had a good clear out in the attic yesterday. No toilet paper up there though." Joke

#8212

"Paddy: Hey Murphy, do you like Eminem? Murphy: What, the chocolate? Paddy: No, the rapper. Murphy: What's so good about M&M's wrapper?" Joke

#8213

If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Joke

#8214

"When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend. He had a real one." Joke

#8215

"I feel sorry for kids nowadays, especially when they see a toy advertised on television. They want it but can't have it because their parents have to be 18 or older to buy it." Joke

#8216

"I walk past a camping site today. Sorry, that should be past tense." Joke

#8217

My wife tried accusing me of being so lazy that I don't even bother telling the punch lines of my Jokes. Joke

#8218

So what would "The Pretenders" tribute band be called? Joke

#8219

'Non-Flammable' says one thing to me. Challenge. Joke

#8220

"My wife is a self-harmer. She eats her own cooking." Joke

#8221

"This really ugly woman goes to see her doctor, severely depressed and suicidal. "Doc, I can't stand it anymore," she says. "No-one will look at me, touch me or kiss me. Can you help me at all?" she asks. The doctor replies, "Sure, just lie down over there on the couch first. Face down, please." Joke

#8222

Spelling yllistsuj backwards is just silly Joke

#8223

Two cannibals are eating a Sickipedian.... one says to the other... well this is tasteless. Joke

#8224

"I was at the fairground with the wife, in the hall of mirrors when she said "This one makes me look fat, ugly and bloated" I didn't realize they put normal mirrors in there too." Joke

#8225

"A man approaches the circus manager and tells him about his act. "I drink two litres of petrol, strap ten bars of dynamite around my waist, hold a grenade in each hand, climb into a cardboard box and then finally set fire to myself." "Wow! That's amazing," says the manager. "Could you please demonstrate it for me?" The man replies, "better not, I can only do it once." Joke

#8226

Anyone else think Derren Brown should hypnotize the McCanns to find out where they hid Madeleine Joke

#8227

"My mate and I were sniffing cocaine off of a newspaper last night, and rather ironically the page we were snorting from was an editorial about the dangers casual drug use. I thought it was more than sheer coincidence, but I suppose you could say I was reading between the lines" Joke

#8228

"My long-term girlfriend should know by now how much I like Jokes and tricks... So if she actually turns up at church wearing a wedding dress on April 1st, more fool her." Joke

#8229

"Lawyer: "You seem to be quite a bit smarter than the average witness from your background." Witness: "Why thank you. I wish I wasn't under Oath so I could return the compliment!" Joke

#8230

"Nottingham is the gun capital of the UK. If you ask me, they need a sheriff." Joke

#8231

"My wife said, "Come on now... It's not the first time you've been premature is it?" "I know," I replied, "But I just get over excited sometimes.. I can't help it." "Right. Let's sort this out. I'll get the decorations down and you put the Christmas tree back in the attic until December." Joke

#8232

"Lost in the desert for three days, a man suddenly hears, "Mush!" Looking up, he sees what he thinks is a mirage: an Eskimo on a sled, driving a team of huskies. To his surprise, the sledge comes to a stop at his feet seconds later. "I don't know why you're here, but thank goodness," the man says. "I've been lost for days." Panting, the Eskimo replies, "You think you're lost?" Joke

#8233

"You know you're a bit of a loser when you resort to posting Jokes on here using your mobile phone on the way to work. ------------------- Sent from my iPhone by O2." Joke

#8234

I've just developed the superpower to turn invisible when no one is looking at me. Joke

#8235

A girl's legs are her best friends...but even the best of friends must part. Joke

#8236

"Beaver 1: "The river has flooded....The cascading water is ruining all of our homes!" Beaver 2: "Dammit!" Joke

#8237

"Every time someone say's 'Expect the unexpected' I like to punch them in the face, Just to check...." Joke

#8238

"A donkey walks into a bar. "Where's the horse?" asks the barman. "Recession," says the donkey." Joke

#8239

"Took my dog to the vets this morning and he told me it's in heat. I didn't even realize it was a celebrity." Joke

#8240

"What's the difference between a Sickipedia user and a standup comedian? The standup comedian hopes that one day, he'll get discovered." Joke

#8241

"I compared a modern calculus textbook to one my dad had today, and its amazing how little has changed! I couldn't differentiate between them..." Joke

#8242

"Kid I knew in school had an extra finger on each hand. He was digitally enhanced." Joke

#8243

My unemployment Joke needs some work. Joke

#8244

The Weight Watchers website requires you to have cookies disabled. Joke

#8245

"A yank walks into a bar and walks straight out again! It was a salad bar." Joke

#8246

"10,000 pubs have disappeared in the UK since the smoking ban. Well if there's no smoke, it must have all been done with mirrors." Joke

#8247

"I was walking through town yesterday when a bloke asked me if I wanted a balloon for my daughter. I said, "No, but you can have her for your watch." Joke

#8248

"I went out with one of Sickipedia's top users last night. I said to him; "Give us your best gag then." So he wrapped my entire head in gaffa tape!" Joke

#8249

"WHERE IS THE NEAREST LIBRARY TO THE ERSKINE BRIDGE? It may be the only Library on earth that hands out the book we have all been looking for." Joke

#8250

"British Taxi Driver 12 - 10 Israeli Commando Force Match abandoned due to suicide. Pools panel result - Home win." Joke

#8251

"I don't know if you have ever read 'The Killing Joke' by Anthony Horowitz but essentially the book is about a man who after hearing a sick Joke becomes obsessed by it and begins a long journey to discover its origin. Could have saved him two weeks of his life by saying www.sickipedia.org" Joke

#8252

"Seen today in Dewsbury Moor felt-penned in large letters over a non-functioning toilet bowl somewhat overflowing with solids: "WHO SAYS THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH?" Joke

#8253

"My nephew convinced my mother-in-law that the "L" hand sign on the forehead meant "I love you". I just can't bring myself to ruin his Joke." Joke

#8254

"People have always told me that I shouldn't make sweeping statements but. I find it easier to tilt the dustpan when sweeping up, if you tilt the pan back just in time, you'll catch all the dust." Joke

#8255

"I'm fluent in three languages. English, sarcasm and profanity." Joke

#8256

"Two friends finish studying at university and meet up in their hometown for a drink one night to catch up, talk about their experiences at university and where they think they'll go next in life. One says "I've got this Business degree now, but I'm not so sure what to do. What type of work do you think I should go into?" "I reckon you could go into Accountancy, I hear that it pays well these days" says the other. Both continue to talk about Accountancy and other options the first could take for a while until other friend says to him, "Well, I've got myself a Sociology degree and I'm also not so sure about what I want to do with it. What do you reckon I should go into?" "Oh, with a Sociology degree?" he responds, "Probably the Job Centre" Joke

#8257

"I am currently living just under the poverty line. Well, in a sewer beneath the Benefits office." Joke

#8258

It's Christmas and at this time of year we should think about the Homeless and those less fortunate............... Anything to cheer you up while the pubs are closed. Joke

#8259

"The other day, my mate told me that Joke: "How do you fit 100 babies into a bucket? With a blender! How do you get them out again? Doritos!" I thought: "Great, now how am I supposed to eat doritos and salsa again without feeling slightly aroused?!" Joke

#8260

"I'll rub, and then you squirt" I said to my wife in the bedroom last night, we had the polishing done in no time." Joke

#8261

"A mitochondria walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "That'll be ATP please." Joke

#8262

I put the ___ in lazy. Joke

#8263

"I broke the news to my wife this morning that her mum and dad died in a car crash last night, she's been crying all morning. Personally, I think it's the best April fools I've ever done" Joke

#8264

"Just saw my female friend post this as her statement... How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him!! I'm sure all of us guys can agree that it's a perfectly effective method to accomplish the fitting of a light bulb..." Joke

#8265

"Guess what I did when I went out for a leisurely stroll through Tehran city centre earlier today? I ran." Joke

#8266

"People say I'm a bit of a Joke killer. But surely if someone knocks on your door you ask them to come in?" Joke

#8267

"What do you get when you cross Michael Schumacher and Stephen Hawking? Scalextric." Joke

#8268

"I baked a meat pie the other day and then travelled with it to Milton Keynes, Birmingham and Lambeth, because my old maths teacher always used to tell me to take pie to three dismal places." Joke

#8269

"I phoned up the local garage from my hospital bed and told the owner that the reason I was in hospital was the total incompetence of his staff and their inability to fix a minor fault that resulted in the brakes on my car failing completely. "I suppose you're going to sue me?" he asked. "Christ no!" I replied, "I want to know if I can book the wife's car in next week." Joke

#8270

"I went to a forger's house the other day. Everything he had was fake. Not even the Werther's were original." Joke

#8271

"What do you call an Arab who campaigns for adolescents? A pro-teen sheikh." Joke

#8272

Nothing says "My life is over" like getting your all-important 5th and final star on your McDonald's name tag. Joke

#8273

"Last night my entire Microsoft Office crashed! I can't put into Word how angry I am....!" Joke

#8274

I used to have my own fruit stand but it kept getting knocked over by 1970s police chases. Joke

#8275

"Right, I'm off to the ITV studios. I'm gonna be the first one in line for tomorrow's one night stand with pixie Lott." Joke

#8276

"Googled Sickipedia and this is what I found: Database Latency too High." Joke

#8277

"Like most people my height, I'm bored of people re-wording other peoples Jokes." Joke

#8278

"I just posted a Joke and a minute later pressed refresh to see how it was doing. But I was unable to do so as apparently there were 814 people looking at it. Didn't realize I was so popular." Joke

#8279

"I decided to play a practical Joke on the wife earlier but she didn't see the funny side when I wired up the front door to the power supply. She completely flew off the handle." Joke

#8280

"Why are black birds pink inside? Well to be honest it depends how long you cook the pie for." Joke

#8281

"What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty strawberry" Joke

#8282

"I poured my cat out some milk the other day Still don't know how he got in there" Joke

#8283

My girlfriend never went that 'Extra Mile' for me. So I got a Restraining Order, now she has to. Joke

#8284

"Like most Sickipedians on here, I post the same Joke 27 times." Joke

#8285

"Cinema ticket for the premier of Harry Potters next movie: 6.50 hitting the fire alarm panel 10 minutes before it finishes: priceless" Joke

#8286

My helium Jokes never go down too well. Joke

#8287

"Every-time I go to write something to post on Sickipedia it seems someone else in the past has beaten me to it and wrote the same thing or something similar, until now.... ...I like Pakis." Joke

#8288

Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas. Can't believe the current exchange rate! Joke

#8289

To me, A Sickipedia Joke is like a woman. You spend ages trying to get a good one, and when you do, you sit and think about how you can beat it. Joke

#8290

"My Family were getting really upset by my choice to live life as a utilitarianism. So I've turned my back on it, as long as it makes them happy." Joke

#8291

"I took a lie detector test. No I didn't." Joke

#8292

You know, I'm usually on Sicki around 2 am and it never crashes, so if we all just go on then - problem solved! Joke

#8293

"So my girlfriend just nearly broke up with me, over the phone before shouting APRIL FOOLS! Jokes on her, I've just sent her a text from her dead Father's old phone." Joke

#8294

"My granddad broke his leg from standing on a door matt. I probably should have explained to him the concept of a helter-skelter." Joke

#8295

"They say children are our greatest treasure. Especially when buried. Joke

#8296

"You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. Even more so if you are a man." Joke

#8297

"Writing a good Joke is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Some people will just never achieve it." Joke

#8298

"BBC news: "Blackbeard scuppers his own ship for the insurance, burning it down to ashes" Arrrrrrson." Joke

#8299

"My Jokes are like my kids.... Everyone knows that I stole them from someone else." Joke

#8300

"Well, there's always one place it'll be a White Christmas. My socks." Joke

#8301

"My wife caught me pleasuring myself in the kitchen earlier. I was spitting into her Mum's cup of tea." Joke

#8302

"My mates just given me a packet of Ultravox crisps. They taste like 'nothing to me'" Joke

#8303

I was going to post a Joke but I ran out of stamps. Joke

#8304

"I'm no brain surgeon, which is why I was escorted from the scene of the accident in handcuffs." Joke

#8305

"So this morning I went to my allotment to check on my vegetables and what not, when I realized half of the soil was missing, I was utterly shocked, so I went home and checked back later only to find even more has gone missing. I think I'm losing the plot." Joke

#8306

"New gadget for Asylum seekers from Apple The ID" Joke

#8307

"Just been to see Postman Pat doing Stand Up. His material was a bit thin but the delivery was good." Joke

#8308

A woman walks into a bar and ruins the Joke. Joke

#8309

"Why did the germ cross the microscope? To get to the other slide." Joke

#8310

"A bear walks into a bar in Alaska. "Give me a ... ... beer," he says. "Sure, but why the big pause?" asks the barman. "That's my mum's head you've got on the wall," he replies." Joke

#8311

"Caveman Jokes never worked: "Knock! Knock!" "Come in, it's open." Joke

#8312

"She never wanted me to go on the stag do in the first place, but I think she's gone really OTT about it ... Yes I'm hangover, yes I lost my phone and couldn't be contacted, but to have my clothes destroyed, the house being transferred to her, divorce proceedings, not allowed to see the kids and let's face it, she's the one who's now got some random bloke sleeping in my bed ... As I told the judge ..'I was only gone 11 months'" Joke

#8313

"I've just had a phone call from power asking me how I'd feel if I were getting cheaper gas from them. I said ''I'd feel exactly the same as I do now but I'd be getting cheaper Gas!''" Joke

#8314

"I think I might have failed the First Aid exam in work today. One of the questions was to name the two most common types of stroke. Turned out the answer was Ischemic and Hemorrhagic, and not Leisurely and Crafty as I thought." Joke

#8315

"My girlfriend left me today. She said she's fed up because I never let her win an argument. Sure I do." Joke

#8316

"A barman walks into a stable "Oh, I wanted some stationary." "Common mistake," said the horse." Joke

#8317

Just found out I am going to be a father again! Can't wait to tell the wife. Joke

#8318

"I just asked the missus if she fancied an early night. She said, "I doubt you will get in. My database latency is too high!" I've not heard that excuse before." Joke

#8319

"The whole of the Middle East don't understand basic British Joke structure. When a British person says, "There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman," to us it's a Joke but to them it's a hostage situation." Joke

#8320

"The Lottery! What are the odds? 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11..." Joke

#8321

"Fine fettler posted the Joke, "What does the man who places fudge into packaging at Cadburys tell his friends he does for a living?" How do you think i feel when i have to tell girls I'm chatting up that I plant shrubs on a downwards gradient starting from the bottom working my way towards the top?" Joke

#8322

"My daughters a really good screw. Yes, she's been a prison officer for five years now." Joke

#8323

"Why do women have larger hips than men? To balance the washing basket on." Joke

#8324

"Among my friends, I'm considered the "Joker" of the pack. Which basically means I'm not needed and left out." Joke

#8325

My mother-in-law had just died and my wife gave me the job of deciding what was on the food table after the funeral. I am now divorced as apparently, "Celebrations" are not the appropriate chocolates to have. Joke

#8326

"I gave this dyslexic girl a facial the other day. Afterwards I told her "you're the stupidest girl I've ever come across"." Joke

#8327

Jokes are like catholic choir boys - it's hard to find one that hasn't been done. Joke

#8328

"Hi my name's Jim and I'm an alcoholic." "Thanks for sharing that with us Jim. Although I think I preferred it when i just knew you as plain old Mr. Duncan." I turned to the anesthetist, "Is it too late to request a different neurosurgeon?" Joke

#8329

"The foot. A part of the body that allows you to find an upturned plug in the dark." Joke

#8330

"What do you call a man who states the obvious? A man who states the obvious." Joke

#8331

I put my wife's comedy poster up backwards, she didn't see the funny side of it. Joke

#8332

"No bandwagons, libelous statements, correct spelling, search for keywords (which doesn't come up with anything but it still gets removed as a dupe when it scores high enough) and nothing too sick. It's easier to post a letter than a Joke on here." Joke

#8333

"My wife came home from work and I said, "Nice day?" She said, "It was pretty weird. People kept giving me funny looks" I said, "Really, how strange? Maybe it's to do with the mirror I broke this morning?" She said, "You mean ... the bad luck?" I said, "No, because you weren't able to see the Hitler moustache I drew on your face while you were sleeping" Joke

#8334

"What's full of whites, and ruined by a black? My washing." Joke

#8335

"There is a slight potential flaw in simply dropping a noticeably bulky envelope into a post box, clearly addressed to "cash for gold". ...It is akin to the three kings strapping the gold to a donkey and leaving, hoping it manages to travel on its own in the rough direction of Bethlehem." Joke

#8336

"When my Nephew grows up he wants to be an accountant, so for his birthday I bought him a great big bag of receipts. I said to him, "don't worry if you don't like them, I've kept all the presents" Joke

#8337

"What do you call all the best Jokers on Sickipedia? British." Joke

#8338

"Holding the 2011 census form in my hands, i was considering throwing it in the bin. But then i changed my mind, and decided to be a better person, and a responsible member of society. I put it in the recycling instead." Joke

#8339

"I've run out of Jokes. I'm at my wits end." Joke

#8340

"Right, it just took me 10 minutes to get on. Whose dead now?" Joke

#8341

"Corny Jokes on Sickipedia- Outnumbered, but never out punned." Joke

#8342

"Found a load of glue on my doorstep this morning. Don't know who it belongs to, guess I'm stuck with it now." Joke

#8343

"I didn't know whether to stop two little ducks falling to their deaths or not. It was a catch-22 situation" Joke

#8344

"I think Sickipedia should start changing the logo to incorporate the hottest ever Jokes, just like Google does with relevant current topics. May I be the first to suggest having nine of the letters of 'Sickipedia' gang raping the remaining one?" Joke

#8345

I'm a Sickipedian and duplicating Windows 7 Jokes was someone else's idea Joke

#8346

"I'm a Sickipedian. And jumping on the Windows 7 bandwagon, was my idea." Joke

#8347

I spent hours thinking up a Joke on people with no tongues but then I thought... nah it'll be tasteless. Joke

#8348

"An exponential walks into a bar. He pulls up a bar stool sits down and asks the bar man for a pint. Over in the corner there's a large group of functions, sines, cosines logs all sitting around having a laugh telling Jokes and sharing stories. The bar man comes over and asks the exponential why he's all alone and not over having fun with the other functions. The exponential answers in a low voice, "I tried to integrate but nothing happened" Joke

#8349

"Doctor: What do you see when you look at this? Patient: A dead hooker with no arms or legs. Doctor: Interesting, what about this one? Patient: A Homeless man chopped into pieces. Doctor: Very interesting indeed, and what about this one? Patient: Look, don't you have coroners for this kind of thing?" Joke

#8350

"The local orphanage asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my kids." Joke

#8351

Wanna see a funny reaction? Sit down at dinner, look very seriously at your children and inform them that due to the economic crisis, you're gonna have let one of them go. Joke

#8352

"Found a ginger hair in my beard this morning. Which is not good news. Especially as my ginger mate Dave stayed over. And it was a pubic hair." Joke

#8353

The Sun's "Target a Troll" Campaign trying to get the details of wierdos making fun of tragedy handed over to the police... Is this some idea of a sick Joke? Joke

#8354

"You know, a lot of Jokes on this site can cause real offence. It's just not funny. It's hilarious." Joke

#8355

Can you even spell condescending? Joke

#8356

I just hosted the worst orgy ever. No one came Joke

#8357

"My wife stormed in with a red face and screamed at me that I'm too obsessed with Batman. Why so serious?" Joke

#8358

"Come on. Will you just try it for size?" I asked my wife, "I spent loads on it and I only bought it because I thought you'd look great in it." She didn't reply. She just stood there slowly shaking her head and staring at the coffin." Joke

#8359

"Like most people on this site.... I can't come up with my own Jokes." Joke

#8360

"What's red and white on the outside and grey on the inside? Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup." Joke

#8361

"My mate showed me the strangest coin earlier, it was smooth on both sides I couldn't make head nor tail of it." Joke

#8362

"My wife said she'll leave if she catches me trying to cheat again, before slamming down the phone and hanging up on me. I said, "Can I ask the audience instead Chris?" Joke

#8363

"I've just exposed myself... I sent my expenses claim to the Daily Telegraph." Joke

#8364

"Big girls don't cry (8) they comfort eat." Joke

#8365

"Seeing as it's valentine's day, I'm going to take my baby somewhere expensive, then we will get hot and steamy later! That's right I'm off to the petrol station then the car wash!" Joke

#8366

"I have just killed my pregnant wife and tomorrow I'm going to cut our dead baby out of her womb. Then I'm going to wait for my girlfriend to fall asleep and place the dead baby between her legs I can't wait, this is going to be the best April fools ever!" Joke

#8367

"I've started sewing small magnets into my wife's clothes. Now I don't have to lie when she asks if she's attractive." Joke

#8368

Ifyou'rehappyandyouknowit,shareyourmeds. Joke

#8369

"Teacher - What is Specificity? Pupil - It's hard to say." Joke

#8370

"If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? 16F... or 546K" Joke

#8371

"What's the difference between men and women? One gets morning sickness, the other gets morning stiffness. What do they have in common? Neither of them care about the other's problem." Joke

#8372

"What is the most popular food in Africa? Dirty water." Joke

#8373

I Moustache You a Question, But I'll Shave It for Later. Joke

#8374

A cliché walks into a bar... Joke

#8375

"Schoolboy, 15, hangs himself after 'being plagued by online bullies' " See, it's not nice calling people forum rats." Joke

#8376

"Wispa Duo: cunningly convincing fat birds that they have enough will power to save the other half for later, whilst actually selling them twice as much chocolate. Speeding them towards a lardy grave, Cadbury's I salute you." Joke

#8377

Facebook is like a refrigerator. You get bored and keep on checking it but nothing ever changes. Joke

#8378

"In Tinie Tempah's song 'Written In The Stars' it says ''But have you ever been so hungry that it keeps you awake'' Well no I'm not African?" Joke

#8379

"I played a little trick on my wife today... I gave her a large dose laughing gas on the way in to her mother's funeral." Joke

#8380

If u want to see a room full of panicked looking faces walk into the offices of injury lawyers for u and pretend to slip over and brake your arm. Joke

#8381

99% of people in this world are Stupid. Luckily I'm the other 2%. Joke

#8382

Bras are like coffee; three cups is too many. Joke

#8383

"I was lying in bed this morning when my wife shouted up the stairs that two blackbirds were in the garden pinching nuts and fruit off the bird table. Imagine my surprise when I went downstairs only to find that two blackbirds were in the garden pinching nuts and fruit off the bird table." Joke

#8384

"I don't usually laugh at Jokes about feathers, but... This one tickled me." Joke

#8385

"Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clocks broken and I'm wide awake, so I'm not sure who won." Joke

#8386

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish... And you've saved yourself a fish." Joke

#8387

"A friend of mine rung me and said he had just seen the actress from the 1960's TV show The Avengers cycling past him. I said "Honor Blackman?" He said "No....... just on a push bike" Joke

#8388

I think it's rather unfair how all the Harry Potter fans can turn up to their movie wearing wizard-like clothing, but when I turned up with my car to watch transformers they wouldn't let us in Joke

#8389

"The good old days. You were told to go and play on your bike and not take another Ritalin. You were told you were thick at school, not dyslexic.... and when you posted a Joke on Sickipedia you checked the categories for similar Jokes." Joke

#8390

I heard a genuinely hilarious Joke earlier today, I'd post it here but it would look totally out of place. Joke

#8391

Some people have to post Sickipedia Jokes on Facebook to make people think they are funny. When they are not. They are just fat. Joke

#8392

Anyone ever noticed that Zombie's never tend to get full up? Joke

#8393

"As my wife sat down in her car I said, "You've got a fat tire". She said, "Don't you mean a flat tyre?" I said, "Look down at your belly and tell me that's flat"." Joke

#8394

"I had to ring the kid's school today, apologizing for them being late in and a little disheveled, due to us sleeping through the alarm ... We were quite lucky too it was only a small fire." Joke

#8395

"A man walked in to a Catholic Church, dying for a drink. He desperately ran over to the Holy Water and began to drink. Almost immediately, the man began to choke, and spat the water back out. A Catholic Priest, baffled, stormed over to the man and asked him what the matter was. "This water is disgusting!", the man yelled, "What's wrong with it?!" The Catholic Priest, slightly insulted, took a step back. "It's about seven years old, why are you doing that?!" To which the man replied, "I could be asking you the same thing!" Joke

#8396

"There's this woman running havoc by stealing people's body parts. I can't take my eyes off her." Joke

#8397

"My girlfriend gave birth to our beautiful Healthy baby boy today. He has my nose, eyes, ears and mouth. I've never been so happy. But of course being a fan of Sickipedia I immediately screamed "DUPLICATE!" Joke

#8398

"What gets wetter the more it dries? The curtain next to my bed." Joke

#8399

Hard on + Beer = Fat bird. Joke

#8400

"No Bandwagons No Duplicates Just Offending Americans Calrsberg Don't Do Jokes..." Joke

#8401

How about you give me the iPad, then I'll do ur survey Joke

#8402

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket!" Joke

#8403

I've never really had the chance to say this often, so this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this. Joke

#8404

"Son: "Dad, why do people keep asking me for directions?" Dad: "I haven't the slightest idea Tom Tom." Joke

#8405

"Lidl are giving their shoppers a 5 off voucher if they spend 30 or more at their stores. I have to say though, if I was prepared to buy the whole store, I would expect a bit of a discount." Joke

#8406

Sometimes I like to go swinging. It's one of the best ways to pull children... Then push them. Then pull them again. Joke

#8407

"What do I and Mascara have in common? We both give my wife long lasting lashes" Joke

#8408

"Gravity is very humbling. It really helps to keep your feet on the ground." Joke

#8409

"As a rule at my Newsagents. I don't serve Bus drivers who don't have the right change." Joke

#8410

"What do you call a broken Boomerang? A stick." Joke

#8411

"Why did the spy cross the road? Because he was never really on your side." Joke

#8412

"A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!" The barman asks, "What did you say that for?" The man replies, "I heard it in a Joke once." Joke

#8413

"Note to everyone, never confuse EDF with EDL. I got a right strange quote for my electricity." Joke

#8414

"Speaking to the wife last night I said "Honey, I've got some really good news, honestly you'll love it... And some bad news..." "Erm... Okay. The good news first" She replied. "Well, the good news is that we have just received one hundred thousand pounds" I said. "What?! Wow! Oh my god. What's the bad news then?" She asked unable to contain her excitement. "Your Mum's dead. She left it in her will..." Joke

#8415

"My Indian neighbour made the most delicious curry... ...and tomorrow I'll have the rest of him in a sandwich." Joke

#8416

"Woke up feeling tired this morning, went and got on the bus took my seat and nodded off. I was woken to loads of people shouting and screaming. I hate my job as a bus driver" Joke

#8417

"Got deep throat off a Thai hooker last night Sorry that was a cheap gag." Joke

#8418

"Sickipedia Top Tip: Just because you own baby oil, does not give you the right to rub babies." Joke

#8419

How is it that you're allowed to make a Facebook group "I like to stand in the shower forever because I like hot water", but you aren't allowed to say "I like to stand in the local playground forever because I like small children"? Joke

#8420

"I bought some black face paint before. It's really convincing. As soon as i put it on I lost my job and I'm in court this Wednesday." Joke

#8421

"I got kicked out of my own wife's funeral yesterday. Apparently dressing myself and the kids up as Kool and the Gang and singing "Celebrate good times" is cruel and unacceptable." Joke

#8422

"I work at the yellow line factory. It pays well but you can't park anywhere near it." Joke

#8423

"Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "We're here to spread the word of..." "No." Joke

#8424

"I got home from work today and my wife was sitting in the lounge almost asleep. "What's up love? Tired?" I asked. "Knackered," she replied, "How could you tell?" "Well, the baby's in the back garden and you're breastfeeding the dog." Joke

#8425

"Just been down the arcades. Four quid for a go in an electric chair! Shocking..." Joke

#8426

Big fights between Irish and Polish. I guess they'll be on separate flights back to Glasgow? Joke

#8427

My missus hated stubble, so before a Family dinner on her birthday I totally clean-shaved. At dinner I announced, "Hey, I shaved completely for you for your birthday." And she replied, in front of my Dad, "Oooh, me too!" Joke

#8428

"My nephew was reading The Beano the other day, when suddenly he asked me "What did people wear during the Great Fire of London?" I replied that, since this was shortly after the English Restoration, the majority of the city's male residents would have worn breeches and ribbon, while their female counterparts would have opted for corsets and petticoats. The answer was 'Blazers'." Joke

#8429

"What is white, red and silver? An Emo teenager's wrist." Joke

#8430

"I want my wife to divorce me so I'm going to gradually remove all the flooring in our house until she can't stand it. My logic is floorless." Joke

#8431

"I read my star sign today and it read ''Today, you'll be a winner'' So I picked a fight with a four year old." Joke

#8432

"What did Big Ben say to the leaning tower of Pisa? "I've got the time if you've got the inclination" Joke

#8433

"My friend: 'If my boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I'm gonna leave my job'. Me: 'Why, what did he say?' My friend: 'You're fired'." Joke

#8434

"Want to be the first woman in the White House? I'm sure the kitchen has an opening..." Joke

#8435

I'm guessing they tried to kill Joss Stone with scissors. Everyone knows you need paper to beat Stone. Joke

#8436

"It's Bill Withers birthday today. I, for one, hope he has a lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay." Joke

#8437

I just started 'following' Justin Bieber....with a knife in my hand Joke

#8438

"My parents had strange views when it came to dogs they said we could get a puppy and if we didn't like it we can just abandon it, my foster parents however..." Joke

#8439

"It's good to see sickipedia is really enforcing the one Joke per hour rule. By making sure that it takes over an hour to upload two lines of text." Joke

#8440

Recreate the smell of farts by opening a pack of Iceland's diced chicken. Joke

#8441

"I can't wait for the war in Afghanistan to end. I want to see the winning killcam." Joke

#8442

After four months of destroying the re-occurring spider web on my car, I give up. This brave spider has earned the right to live inside my car mirror; unlike 50,000 people in the UK called Mohammed. Joke

#8443

Four humans and a Muslim walked into a premature punch line. Joke

#8444

"Politically I'm far left. But my Jokes are only ever far right." Joke

#8445

"When my uncle died, I had him rapped in copper wire and buried in a magnetic coffin under a wind turbine. He must be spinning in his grave." Joke

#8446

"A good friend of mine has just been on holiday & he was showing me some slides he brought back last night. I said, "We do have playgrounds in Britain you know." Joke

#8447

"What's the best thing about owning a round bed? You can do a lap of honor when you finish." Joke

#8448

Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting stupid. Joke

#8449

"Why do women make sandwiches? Because they're bread for it." Joke

#8450

"I got chatting to this girl in the Library. We seemed to have quite a lot in common so after about five minutes I decided to go for it. I whispered to her, "Do you fancy going somewhere a bit noisier?" Joke

#8451

"My wife said that she was in need of some TLC. So I took her up a ladder and suplexed her through a table." Joke

#8452

"My missus keeps going on about this LCD solar calculator she's had since her school days, she can't believe it still works perfectly after all these years. I told her to put it where the sun doesn't shine." Joke

#8453

A CIA spy is on his first day scouting Moscow. Fluent in Russian, he is confident of blending into the crowd. First, he stops at a store to get an apple. The lady there gives him a big smile, "Morning Mr. American, how can I help you?" Shocked, he quietly buys an apple. Next stop, an old lady on a park bench. "Morning ma'am, can I have the time please?" "Sure, Mr. American, it's 9.15." He's really worried. Is his disguise that thin? He meets a cop and asks directions. Having received the usual "Certainly Mr. American, it's the third block on your left," he asks, "Excuse me, how do you know I'm from the US?" "That's easy," replies the policeman, "you're black." Joke

#8454

My overweight daughter insisted on entering a Beauty pageant and in the end came home with a '' Miss Understanding'' ribbon and a book on weight loss. Joke

#8455

"I never tell observational Jokes. I don't like to discriminate against the blind." Joke

#8456

I was playing golf yesterday when I got a phone call off the wife saying that my father had just died. I said this one's for pa" Joke

#8457

If I could write you a song to make you fall in love I wouldn't have to put rohypnol into your wine Joke

#8458

When I asked my American friend about his new trousers, he said "they're pants" I said "well why did you buy them?" Joke

#8459

"Sometimes I wish I'd taken the time to learn French when I was younger. Such is life." Joke

#8460

"Haribo...... Providing paedo's a jaunty theme tune since 1920." Joke

#8461

My only goal in life is to own my own pub and call it "The Go-Go Gadget Arms" Joke

#8462

"The convenient store is closed. How convenient" Joke

#8463

He who hesitates is always walking right in front of me. Joke

#8464

"Because of the heat this summer, I've got a lot of bites on my legs... Maybe I should stop pushing the kids out of the line for the ice cream van." Joke

#8465

"People often tell me I'm very presumptuous. I think you know where I'm going with this..." Joke

#8466

Sometimes, in my free time, I like to take a biro with me to a restaurant and draw inverted comma's around random ingredients on the menu. Joke

#8467

"My mate bought an empty swimming baths for 100 grand, and since then he's had a broken leg, a broken arm, 3 broken fingers, and a broken toe and now he's got a fractured skull. It's his own fault for throwing himself in at the deep end." Joke

#8468

"Introducing the new fragrance from Calven Klein, guaranteed to leave women powerless to resist. Rape - for men" Joke

#8469

"Like all honest, hardworking people nowadays... I'm white." Joke

#8470

"What do you get when you cross McDonalds with autism? Asburger's." Joke

#8471

A father is a man with pictures in his wallet where he used to keep his money when he was single Joke

#8472

"I'm surrounded by preserved vegetables in jars. It's like Piccalilli Circus round here." Joke

#8473

"I seriously hate stubbornness and nothing you can say will change my mind!" Joke

#8474

You know it's a Joke on here when it starts with ''I was talking to a girl....''. Joke

#8475

"I got attacked by a swarm of bees. They stole my Nectar card." Joke

#8476

"Old macdonald had no lips mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm" Joke

#8477

"What do you get Siamese twins as the perfect birthday present? Swing ball." Joke

#8478

"Darwin: 'Survival of the fittest'. Also applicable to girlfriends." Joke

#8479

"If you ever say you're going to do some stand-up comedy, you'll find that all your friends, your Family and your work colleagues will be really keen to come along. "I'd love to come to that!" they'll say. Before you get a warm glow inside and think of how popular you are, remember one thing: People only went to see Evel Knievel to see if he crashed and died." Joke

#8480

"Some of my mates have accused my of being insensitive. I can't really blame them, some of my Jokes at work go down like a building full of screaming Americans on 9/11." Joke

#8481

"Knock, knock. Who's there? Wayne. Wayne who? Wayne drops keep falling on my head..." Joke

#8482

"I bought a Boa Constrictor and it's really taken to my wife... Got a real crush on her." Joke

#8483

"What does an experienced rapist & a good punch line have in common? You never see them coming." Joke

#8484

"What do you call a depressed Inuit? An Eskimo." Joke

#8485

Have fun taking advantage of good Samaritans, yell "Stop, that rapist is trying to get away, don't let him get on that train" when you see someone running towards a train. Joke

#8486

"What's the difference between FML and sickipedia? At least there's a chance the things said on sickipedia are true." Joke

#8487

Watching your kids being born is so overwhelming, but nothing compares to the feeling of your first Joke being posted on sickipedia Joke

#8488

"Lawrence next door sadly died this evening after tripping and falling into his burning bonfire. His wife has made a brief statement saying that he was a wonderful guy" Joke

#8489

"I'm going to an auction this weekend. I'm hoping to get something for my wife. I'd be happy with a tenner." Joke

#8490

"I hear Germany is busy invading a deserted Poland as we speak. Carlsberg don't do Opportunities" Joke

#8491

"You know what really gets on my nerves? Skin." Joke

#8492

"Little lad asks his grandma how old she is, being a bit of a wise old owl she replies "To find that out sonny, you'll have to cut me open and count the rings." Turns out she was only 1." Joke

#8493

Getting old is a bit like getting drunk; everyone else looks brilliant. Joke

#8494

"My teenage daughter was always telling me how she thought "No-one cared about her". I proved her wrong though, I put her into a care home." Joke

#8495

"I was watching this horrific program about Murders, Drugs, Ruined Weddings and Suicide the other day. I believe it was called Eastenders" Joke

#849

"Sale - All Stock Must Go!" Well done, you are a shop - that is what you're meant to do." Joke

#8497

"I read in the Daily Mail today that policemen are no longer allowed to say "Sure as eggs is eggs," in case it offends women with fertility problems. Am I the only one who thinks that any woman that gets offended by that shouldn't be allowed to have children anyway?" Joke

#8498

"Set up: (Insert comment about something you did with your girlfriend here.) Punch line: (Allude to your girlfriend being under 16 here.) or: (Allude to your girlfriend being Madeline McCann here.) Repeat." Joke

#8499

"I bought a Fonz robot this morning. It runs on AAAAA batteries." Joke

#8500

"I'm a bomb disposal expert. They go in the grey, non-recycling bins." Joke

#8501

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches? Joke

#8502

"Lots of people call me 'sad'. I've kept a tally, 64 to be precise." Joke

#8503

You know who I feel sorry for? Those sad blokes whose car exhaust pipes aren't big or loud enough to pull women. Joke

#8504

"Since all the Jokes have sucked lately, I've started writing a new one to put them to shame. AMERIC- Coming along nicely, eh?" Joke

#8505

I am specific and reliable around 300% of the time Joke

#8506

"I've always believed that the key to a good Joke is subverting the expectations established in the feed line. To get to the other side." Joke

#8507

The boomerang. For people who don't have any friends. Joke

#8508

I like my women, like I like my cars............ Escorts. Joke

#8509

Similar to a Spork I've just created a cross between a Cup and a Spoon, but I can't think of a name for it Joke

#8510

"What happened to the days when sickipedia was actually sick? If anything it should just be called mildlyoffensivebandwagonpedia.org" Joke

#8511

"It's funny how sickipedia is kinda like a world. All the good stuff is on the west and on the east there's a lot of burial going on..." Joke

#8512

"My friend said that sometimes he positions his body completely horizontally. Surely that's a lie?" Joke

#8513

"Last words: That's 18 straight wiskeys, is that a new record? Pull the pin and do what? The odds of that happening have to be a million to 1! What Duck? They are definably safe, birds eat them all the time. What's that red dot on your forehead? Can't believe no one has thought of this before! Don't worry, their hibernating. Wow, no need to shout your score on the golf course!" Joke

#8514

Wife asked for something fast and curvy for her birthday; judging by my black eye a 1400 spin speed washing machine wasn't what she had in mind, the other black eye came when I said why you don't take it for a spin anyway. Joke

#8515

"I got in from work to find my wife dressed only in her nightie. In a husky voice, she whispered, "I'm going to bed... I've got laryngitis." Joke

#8516

"Just rubbed one out watching Emma Watson in the Harry Potter film. I've not been to the cinema, the first one is on TV." Joke

#8517

"The Romans were the first to build roads in Britain. And the first to breed chickens on the less desirable side of those roads." Joke

#8518

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. Joke

#8519

"Looking back on it... ti" Joke

#8520

"Why do Egyptian girls take the pill? So they don't turn into mummies." Joke

#8521

"Next time someone compliments you why not bring the conversation to your level by replying with: "Aww, much like an abused child, I'm touched" Joke

#8522

I fell down a small man-made waterfall recently and felt weird for days. Joke

#8523

"My wife said she wanted to put something special on tonight. I suggested the oven." Joke

#8524

"I've just watched the first ball in the ashes. I love tea-bagging my nans urn." Joke

#8525

"I got booed off stage the other day when I told a Joke about blacks being thieves... ...People just don't like observational comedy anymore." Joke

#8526

"Heard Victoria beckham gave birth, Do you think it was a natural birth or did she regurgitate it whilst trying to chuck up her breakfast?" Joke

#8527

"I once got locked up for stabbing a paragraph. It was a lengthy sentence." Joke

#8528

I wish Hula Hoops had age categories on them so I could still fit them around my enlarged 19 year old fingers. Joke

#8529

"In hot Jokes today by Fyffe's; Sickipedians, Patiently awaiting the next celebrity death since March 2009. In light of the sudden death of Danny La Rue I would like to update everyone; Sickipedians, patiently awaiting the next celebrity death since March 2009." Joke

#8530

"If only Sickipedia had a penny every time somebody mashed F5... They could launch a takeover bid for Google and replace all search results with Sickipedia Jokes. Oh, and possibly buy a new server." Joke

#8531

"Haringey Council apparently sent a foster child to live with airline bomb plotter Ahmed Ali and his Family in Walthamstow. That's appalling. Fancy sending a child to live in Walthanmstow!" Joke

#8532

"My girlfriend just described my posting of Jokes on sickipedia as a 'Healthy phase'. I never realized that over time and with the experience of living with me it was possible to set the bar so low." Joke

#8533

I've been having some trouble with my server today, he still refuses to bring me my slippers. Joke

#8534

"I just love how as soon as we read the story about Tiger Woods crashing, our immediate thought wouldn't be: "Oh god, I hope he's alright", but: "Oh god... ...I HAVE to get to Sickipedia!" Joke

#8535

"I've just been sacked for reading out Sickipedia Jokes at work. My boss should lighten up a bit, I mean the kids didn't mind." Joke

#8536

"If you are bored on a plane, try pressing your face against the window, pumping your arms in a running motion and bouncing on the seat to simulate running on the clouds. Don't do it whilst on the runway though, or it'll look like some bizarre attempt to escape the plane through osmosis." Joke

#8537

"I was in a comedy club and a female comedian approached me and said, "Will you compare?" I said, "Of course............... you're like a male comedian, but less funny." Joke

#8538

"What's better than falling asleep at the wheel? Waking up in hospital unscathed but being told your wife didn't survive." Joke

#8539

"I heard that drinking alone is bad. So I got a cat." Joke

#8540

"Look! A stealth bomber! Where!?" Joke

#8541

"Why did the chicken end up on the same side of the road? He was double-crossed by the lollypop lady." Joke

#8542

"How often do I like Jokes about Chemistry? Periodically." Joke

#8543

"I took my son to see Father Christmas at the shopping centre earlier. It was a bit disappointing really, because he stank of booze and cigarettes. God knows what Santa thought of him." Joke

#8544

"I stayed in a hotel recently and I went down for breakfast when the waitress said, "Good morning sir, would you like the full English?" "No thank you," I replied, "I'll have the vegetarian option please." She said, "Would that be Sugar Puffs or Cornflakes sir?" Joke

#8545

"I and the wife had another fall out today. I think it's time to finish the car and put the doors on." Joke

#8546

"Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper. Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!" Joke

#8547

Fresh Orange Juice - For those of you who can't concentrate... Joke

#8548

"I stopped smoking after I found out it could seriously harm my baby. I'm not letting anything hurt my PS3." Joke

#8549

I'll never forget my first kiss, although granddad denies it. Joke

#8550

"Whenever I meet a struggling actor or drama graduate, I always say the same thing, I say, "I'd like a coffee please" Joke

#8551

LIDL. Consider giving away a free nail brush with your cheapest one-ply toilet roll Joke

#8552

"I love to see the children running around in the park, shouting. They don't know I'm firing blanks." Joke

#8553

If you borrow something from twins, do you write them an IOW? Joke

#8554

"What kind of music does an archaeologist listen to? Rock." Joke

#8555

"I was away on business with a female colleague and we ended up doing something stupid and irresponsible that we deeply regretted in the morning. We both had drinks and a snack from the mini-bar." Joke

#8556

"My girlfriend and I have been rowing about how 'opinionated' I am. What she doesn't get is that, I'm not opinionated. I'm right." Joke

#8557

Jazz always reminds me of the time I kicked a one man band down a flight of stairs! Joke

#8558

"ELECTRIC HEATERS because sometimes you want your room to be warm and smell of burning dust" Joke

#8559

"It's been in the news recently that Steve Jobs has taken time off from his job at Apple to recover from being ill. He's got I Cancer." Joke

#8560

"What's the difference between my wife and my PlayStation? My PlayStation is turned on most evenings." Joke

#8561

"An old man walks into a pub, he goes to the bar. He orders a beer. The bartender gives it to him and says :"three pounds, please" The old man stands up, goes to the right end of the bar and put a pound on it, then he walks to the left end of the bar and also put a pound on it. He gets back to the center of the bar and puts the final pound in front of his beer. The bartender is quite angry but he can't refuse the money. The old man drinks his beer and walks away on the next day, he comes back, orders a beer and pays the same way. The bartender is getting more and angrier. For a week, the old man keeps coming and paying in this odd way. A day, when he wants to pay, the old man notices he only got a five-pound note. He gives it to the bartender, who is ready to take his revenge: He gives the beer, goes to the left end of the bar, puts a pound, then to the right end and puts the second pound. He goes back to the old man with a big smile on his face. The old man doesn't move, drinks his beer, and takes his wallet. He takes a pound, puts it in front of him and says: "I'll have another beer, please"." Joke

#8562

"I couldn't believe my luck earlier. I'd only just finished chopping the Habenero chili's when my wife called out from the other room, "I think I've got something in my eye... Can you have a look?" Joke

#8563

"Do you reckon you could sneak in to the Batman premier through the emergency exit" "I'm not sure but it's definitely worth a shot" Joke

#8564

"My girlfriend kept saying Jokes from recent bandwagons. So I left the room." Joke

#8565

My Jokes are a lot like the Queen it's just waiting to be buried by a racist. Joke

#8566

I went into Greggs the other day and the woman said to me " you can have two sausage rolls for a pound" ok well I don't really need two so how much is it for one "75p" well I'll have the 25p one please. Joke

#8567

"One of life's little conundrum's. Why does the hardest man in the pub always have the most gorgeous daughter?" Joke

#8568

"Two Blacks don't make a White" Doesn't stop them from trying though." Joke

#8569

"I remember when I was kidnapped when I was a child, my parents snapped into action. They rented my room out." Joke

#8570

Got sent a text that said "gnikniht" I thought "that's just backwards thinking" Joke

#8571

"I Thought I'd get a nice framed picture of the twins for my wife's birthday. Turns out she doesn't share my admiration for the Kray's." Joke

#8572

"I thought after about a 5 year ban I could apply for my license back. Turns out, they're pretty intolerant when it comes to gun crime and shooting sprees." Joke

#8573

With 149 days until Christmas, Harrods and Selfridges launched their earliest ever Christmas displays today................ Which reminds me, i must get my Christmas cards sent out this weekend, so that the Royal Mail get them there on time. Joke

#8574

"I put a "Beware of the dog." Sticker on my mother in-laws bedroom door. She sarcastically said " Ha ha, very funny." And it was funny as she then entered the room to be mauled by the Rottweiler I put in there." Joke

#8575

"News: Australian Surfer "Torn Apart" in Horrific Shark Attack. Friends pulled his body from the water - and that's not even the half of it." Joke

#8576

"As we approached the lion enclosure the Warden on the gate waved for me to stop the car. "Is that your daughter?" he asked. "Yes, and I know what you're going to say," I replied, "But she's only five. If I don't raise her car seat a bit, she can't see the animals. She's strapped in and everything." He didn't look convinced, "Just take the car seat off the roof rack and put her back inside the car." Joke

#8577

"What's pink and Hairy and sticks out of your Pajama's? You're Head." Joke

#8578

"Facebook is down... Now how else am I meant to publish Sickipedians Jokes, and take all credit for them?" Joke

#8579

"I ordered "The girls of Ryan air" 2010 cabin crew calendar today. It was advertised on the Ryan air website for a tenner, but after adding the hidden 'leap year tax', selecting the 'in colour' option, and paying online using a credit card, it ended up costing me almost 150 quid." Joke

#8580

"I love this new 'Original Author' thing. it's added such a variation to the kinds of Jokes people post, often leaving the punch line in that very box" Joke

#8581

"What do a pediatricians and an angry person have in common. They both have little patience." Joke

#8582

"Child migrant detention attacked" Clearly the dog ate his homework." Joke

#8583

This Joke doesn't really have a terrible rating. It's just every time it gets to 70, I go prestige. Joke

#8584

"Just because people laugh at your Jokes doesn't necessarily mean you're funny Justin Lee Collins It could be the fact that you're ugly." Joke

#8585

My Jokes are like golden showers. Probably inappropriate for children, but fun to share with them, all the same. Joke

#8586

When my satellite dish stopped working, I used a bin lid instead. Now I get nothing but rubbish Joke

#8587

"Carlsberg don't make a decent beer. If they did, I wouldn't drink Stella and the wife wouldn't be nursing two black eyes this morning..... ....Probably." Joke

#8588

"'Ribery to undergo surgery on troublesome knee' I think facial reconstruction would be more beneficial." Joke

#8589

"Apple phone call... Apple: Hey Microsoft. It feels good to have a working operating system. *yawns* Microsoft: Oh so you managed to call back then? Apple:" Joke

#8590

"My Spidey senses are tingling. No wait; that's my mobile on vibrate." Joke

#8591

I'm starting to find it quite frustrating and very patronizing after smoking for 10 years that whenever I go to the shop and buy a new cigarette lighter, the person behind the counter always insist on showing me how to use it. Joke

#8592

"I thought I recognized a girl in the pub last night that I hadn't seen in years, so I went over and said, "You look like Helen Greene." She said, "I look just as bad in yellow." Joke

#8593

Is it just me, or does Andrew Lloyd Webber resemble a spitting image of Cat in the Hat. Joke

#8594

"What's the difference between a taxi driver and a potential rapist? Nothing" Joke

#8595

"Database latency too high Sickipedia appears to have lost connection to the database. Predictably. There are 786 of you not looking at this Joke." Joke

#8596

"I was gonna post a Joke about something that made me smile last week, but couldn't log on. Oh well, it'll have probably been buried by now anyway." Joke

#8597

"Security camera footage released by police shows two men in crisp suits entering Graff Diamonds' flagship store Thursday afternoon." Surely two blokes dressed in bags of salt n vinegar and cheese and onion must have raised a few eyebrows?" Joke

#8598

Finally!! Right, let's go and put Baby in a corner..... Joke

#8599

I posed naked for a magazine yesterday. It was very demeaning and I've been banned from going near that news agency again. Joke

#8600

"The wife went out for five minutes to talk to a delivery man. She came back half an hour later and said "doesn't time fly when you're talking?" Not when you're talking to me it doesn't!" Joke

#8601

"What is the difference between the McCann household and an Ann Summers party? At an Ann Summers party, all the toys get played with." Joke

#8602

"A man walks into a pole. "Patrz gdzie idziesz, ty pieprzony idiota" Joke

#8603

"The drunk rushed up the stairs to the fifth floor of a building and threw himself out of a window. Not surprisingly, a crowd gathered around him as he lay on the pavement. A policeman dashed to the spot and knelt beside the man, 'What happened?' 'Don't ask me,' said the drunk. 'I only just got here myself.'" Joke

#8604

"What do you call a deer with no eyes? If i saw a deer with no eyes, I would probably call it nothing since the poor, disfigured animal would probably in some sort of pain or discomfort and so subsequently, I would call the RSPCA as they would be much better equipped and experienced to deal with a blind deer, especially when compared with oneself." Joke

#8605

"My girlfriend left me today. She said I'm too much of a pushover. Thought it was a bit harsh. I was born with one leg." Joke

#8606

"My girlfriend says she cheated on me because I procrastinate too much. She'll pay for this someday." Joke

#8607

"I failed my driving test for the fourth time today... ...or as the Police prefer to call it... The "Breathalyser"." Joke

#8608

I hate it when a good Joke is ruined by stupid spelling mistakes. Joke

#8609

"There is no such thing as automatic doors. Just gentleman ninjas." Joke

#8610

"There's nothing I enjoy more than violently pulling donkey's tails. I get a real kick out of it." Joke

#8611

"Inhalation causes dangerous intoxication" Ron seal, does exactly what it says on the tin." Joke

#8612

"I lost control of the car earlier and ploughed into two people polishing their car. I think I've really hit the buffers this time." Joke

#8613

"Just found out why the phone company '3' is called just that. It's the number of satisfied customers they have." Joke

#8614

"What have my daughter and my garden got in common? Both have a great place for my dog to bury his bone." Joke

#8615

"What can Skittles do that Men can't? Come in 5 different flavours" Joke

#8616

"I was sitting in a pub up in Scotland and a man bursts through the door and exclaims "A just had me first bairn! and it's a wee lad!" and people well congratulating him and buying him drinks and one man in the corner shouts out "so whit ye gonna call year son?" to which the man replies "Nathan" the man in the corner is shocked by this and says "ye canny call a child Nathan! ye gotta give him a name!" Joke

#8617

"Tip of the day. Two pieces of penne pasta stuck together make ideal binoculars for your pet Hamster." Joke

#8618

"I've been meeting up with an old Time Travelling colleague of mine, but now it's just getting boring. All he wants to do is reminisce about the future" Joke

#8619

"Someone put a penguin wrapper in my lunch box today. They must have thought it was funny." Joke

#8620

"So a crab walks sideways into a bar. Two hours later, it walks out straight." Joke

#8621

"My iTunes just took 12 minutes to start up...Must be a record...I'll Google it. "Quickest opening time for iTunes" Joke

#8622

"My boss said I shouldn't have come into work today because I was a bit under the weather. To be fair, I'm airline pilot and should've been 16,000ft above it." Joke

#8623

"The Post Office said that before they took any action, they wanted evidence that the postman was taking a shortcut across my garden. Well, they've got it now. They said someone will be around soon to remove his body from the sharpened bamboo pit." Joke

#8624

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. Joke

#8625

"Anyone know the name of the French inventor of beach footwear? Philippe Phlp" Joke

#8626

You know what? I miss all the dead baby Jokes. I reckon they went before their time. Joke

#8627

I hate people who can't tell Jokes, hence my low self-esteem. Joke

#8628

So it's perfectly acceptable for me to come home to find my wife wandering around the house in a pair of my shorts and a t-shirt, but as soon as it's the other way round, suddenly ''We need to talk". Joke

#8629

In preparation for 2012, I am building an Ark. I am going to to need two of everything, Two Blonds, Two Brunettes and Two Redheads. Joke

#8630

"I had some Coco Pops this morning and I think the milk was funny. Well, I'd not heard the Joke before." Joke

#8631

"Cleaning the house today took hours. Man hovering sucks." Joke

#8632

"We all got together today to give Eric his leaving card after 30 years of working for the Royal Mail. Not bad... He only retired 6 months ago." Joke

#8633

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they're on tiptoes - then they're unheard. Joke

#8634

"I tried playing football manager today, but I found it far too unrealistic..... I mean, Wigan with a full stadium?" Joke

#8635

"There's no room for racism in snooker", say the men who get more points for shooting the black! Joke

#8636

"I stopped by and seen my mother for the first time in a year since she kicked me out. I bought her some flowers, then told her since I missed mother's day, I wanted her to relax, get some rest, and whether she liked it or not I'm moving back home for good now... as I slammed shut the casket." Joke

#8637

"Dear Children When you look under your bed, what exactly is it you are planning to do when you find me. Sincerely the Bogeyman" Joke

#8638

"My nan doesn't get the knock knock Joke at all, Me - "Knock Knock" Nan - "Come in," So i explained that she has to answer the door, so second time round, Me - "Knock Knock" Nan - "I'm just coming dear, " Joke

#8639

"Have you seen the new promotion at Tesco's, if you buy a box of washing powder you get free Marie Clare. Next thing they will be giving away a box of tampons if you buy an iron." Joke

#8640

A man walks into a Library and asks if a book on virgins has arrived. Librarian: no we haven't had any yet. Man: yeah that's the one Joke

#8641

"The postman handed me a letter this morning and said "I've spent twenty minutes trying to find your house, just so I could give you this letter!" I said, "you should have just posted it." Joke

#8642

"I came up with a great letter-based Joke. My mate reckons I should post it." Joke

#8643

"I've recently started a really difficult job in the North Pole where I'm having to work my socks off. My feet are freezing." Joke

#8644

When I told my Family I wanted to be a standup comedian they all burst out laughing. I thought well at least it's a step in the right direction Joke

#8645

"My mums into role reversal, she puts the ham on the outside" Joke

#8646

"As a London police officer, If I see anybody dealing or taking drugs in a public place I'll nick em. Saves me having to pay for them I suppose." Joke

#8647

"My son brought home his school report. It said, "It is unfortunate that Daniel sets himself such low standards. It is even more unfortunate that he consistently fails to achieve them." Joke

#8648

You know that there is something really wrong with your life when the high point of your day is seeing that your Joke has made it to the "hot Jokes of the day" list. Joke

#8649

"I love grooming young children. They're always well behaved and they show good manners when they come to my salon for a haircut." Joke

#8650

"Adding a Joke to Sickipedia is like having a baby. Everybody can see it until it gets buried." Joke

#8651

"After years of searching I found my real dad using the Internet, this week we finally spoke on the phone, He said he would like to see more of me, so I've sent him some naked photos." Joke

#8652

Anyone else think that the Scottish Widow blatantly murdered her husband? Joke

#8653

"I just found out my beautiful woman I was going to ask out had previously been a man. I mean I'm all up for trying new stuff, but I can't deal with the fact that she can down a pint faster than me." Joke

#8654

"What's Brown and sticky? The Prime Minister and his situation." Joke

#8655

"What's white and sticky? Peter Crouch" Joke

#8656

Just walked into a Library and asked for a book on impotence. Nothing happens in the end. Joke

#8657

I always confuse the words exotic and erotic.......Which just made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store. Joke

#8658

"The Sun; Britain Faces Crisis. I thought, what? Are we running out of faces?" Joke

#8659

Pretend that you've got a toothbrush and in your hand, and then brush your tongue. Joke

#8660

I went on a guided tour of an organic pesticide factory and all I got was this lousey T-shirt. Joke

#8661

"I've been struggling to find work for six months. I knew I should never have opened that camouflage shop." Joke

#8662

I'm not insecure, am I? Joke

#8663

"I got home last night from work and there was my wife, looking in her purse and separating all her coins and putting them into neat little piles. At that moment it hit me, my wife was going through the change." Joke

#8664

"A man walks in to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter, he says; "What can you recommend for a headache?". The man behind the counter says "Smash your head against a wall"." Joke

#8665

"Long reach staplers. Why can't you just move closer?" Joke

#8666

"People always tell me to stop laughing at my own Jokes. Little do they know..." Joke

#8667

"And I accuse you of being the first letter of the alphabet, exhibit... a" Joke

#8668

"Shame Clacton beach has lost its blue flag. They pulled out a big brown floater Monday Aug 17th. RIP Stella Ankabi." Joke

#8669

I was beaten up by a 7, 9 and 11 year old last night. I've decided it's time to get even. Joke

#8670

Those "how to lose 35lbs in 4 weeks" ads are great. not only can you lose weight, but also get your tattoos removed AND become Hispanic. Brilliant Joke

#8671

"Hundreds stuck in snow on A9. Never play Battleships outdoors using people..." Joke

#8672

"This is a message to all American rappers... This Shawty you mention in every single song seems to be sleeping around with every other rapper I thought I'd mention it because I wouldn't like to see you get your heart broken Kindest Regards xkombatxwombatx" Joke

#8673

"Irishman walks past a bakers. Sees a sign in the window.........." CHEESE ROLLS two for a 1... He walks in and I see you've two cheese rolls for a 1.. How much for one? The girl says 75p. Paddy says, "I'll have the other one then" Joke

#8674

"My nan asked me to clean out her garage while she went on holiday. She'll be well pleased when she gets back, I got 800 for the lot." Joke

#8675

"Not everyone can catch Malaria. There's only Girls Allowed." Joke

#8676

The devil makes work for idle hands. Unlike the job centre. Joke

#8677

I wish people would stop all these Jokes about the fattest woman in Britain dying. It's bad enough my wife's dead but to find out she was married to several other men as well is just torture. Joke

#8678

"What do you call 4 Black Guys crossing Abbey Road? The Dung Beatles." Joke

#8679

"I don't like Jokes with number punch lines. They're not four me." Joke

#8680

Just seen an online poll asking 'who is your favourite x-factor contestant ever?' It's a two horse race for me, between Leona Lewis and Stacey Solomon. Joke

#8681

You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans. Joke

#8682

"A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'." Joke

#8683

"You think you're going to say something that can make me laugh? You must be joking." Joke

#8684

"I was going to do Philosophy as a Major. But I couldn't find the uniform." Joke

#8685

"These roast potatoes are lovely," said my sister-in-law, "How do get them so crunchy?" "I always use beef dripping," I replied. "What!" she spluttered, spitting out potato, "You know I'm a strict vegetarian!" "Don't panic," I laughed, "I'm only winding you up." "You swine," she said, looking relieved, "You had me going there!" "I know. You should have seen your face! ... Beef dripping indeed," I replied, shaking my head, "I use lard really." Joke

#8686

"My wife has completely lost her sense of taste. It's brilliant. I can put as much chilli powder as I want in her food and the first thing she knows about it is the terrible ring sting the next day." Joke

#8687

I left my wife because she complained that I do stuff without thinking it through. Joke

#8688

"I got fired, and I'm being taken to court, just for falling asleep once on the job. I don't see a point in co pilots if I'm honest." Joke

#8689

Avoid those latency notices. Read the Jokes when the Sickipedians are either at the pub or at school. Joke

#8690

"I usually buy my little brother a Christmas present that I will secretly enjoy as well, like Lego. So this year I've bought him a shirt which is one size too small" Joke

#8691

"The other day my friend asked me if he should be a Stand-Up Comedian. I said: "No, you should be a Black Man instead." "Why?" he replied. "Because you steal all your Jokes." Joke

#8692

"My wife's resting in peace. Which is why this prank involving a bucket of water and a foghorn is going to be hilarious." Joke

#8693

"I bought one of those music games for my PS3 this morning, but the guitar they supplied is tiny. I knew I shouldn't have got "Beadle's Rock Band." Joke

#8694

"People are often surprised by the sight of my naked body. And it's not just because I'm in their child's wardrobe. Joke

#8695

"Kate McCann says their "Find Maddie" fund is running dry Quite the opposite of Maddie in a way" Joke

#8696

"My mate said to me, 'I've got Swine Flu, the Plague and Aids!'. I said 'Don't give me that!'" Joke

#8697

"I can hear this high frequency noise in my head. My brain hertz." Joke

#8698

"A compulsive liar walked into a bar. Well that's where he said he was." Joke

#8699

"I am still searching for the answer in life we have all desired since childhood, but does anyone actually know. How much was that doggy in the Window?" Joke

#8700

"I came to a store and said: "You're gonna give me a condom" Cashier: "Couldn't you say that on a polite way?" So I went out and put my underwear down came back and said: "Could you give me a working suit for the gentleman, please?" Joke

#8701

"I got called into the bosses' office on the first day of my new job. "I think you may have mislead us about your qualifications," he said. "What do you mean," I asked. "Well, you're the only Gynecologist I've seen who thinks it's acceptable to use his tongue in a routine examination." Joke

#8702

"Dear LOL Thanks for being there when I have nothing else to say." Joke

#8703

Life is like a midget, it's short and really sad. Joke

#8704

"Katie Price announces engagement to Leandro Penna - "Hes my special person" So Harvey has a rival then?" Joke

#8705

"My neighbor is blind, and talking to him not so long ago he told me that every now and again he receives cheques for his disability benefits through the post He told me that as standard practice an envelope containing a cheque addressed to a blind person contains a piece of kitchen role, so the blind person recognizes the texture, knows it's a cheque, and takes it to the bank This is when a light bulb lit in my evil little mind Not to make it too obvious that it was me, an envelope was delivered 6 months later through his door, inside was a strip of kitchen role and a piece of paper shaped exactly the same size as a cheque I just wish I was there at the bank, when he handed it in, and the teller read what was written on it... This is a stick up!" Joke

#8706

"America observes 18th Take Your Child to Work Day. While Indonesia celebrates its 1st Take Your Parent to Work Day." Joke

#8707

"I made a breakthrough today. So I've stopped buying cheap toilet roll." Joke

#8708

"What's the difference between a wolf and a flea? One howls on the prairie, the other prowls on the hairy." Joke

#8709

"I cannot go to sleep when the bedroom cupboard door's left open. It's not fair on my wife. She deserves some privacy in there too." Joke

#8710

"I put together a punch line, a bit of set up and threw in some misdirection in the mix and was horribly disappointed with what I was left with. It was a complete Joke." Joke

#8711

"What is big, white and full of my juice? My fridge." Joke

#8712

"I spent an hour in the cinema yesterday walking past young kids and I got kicked out for no apparent reason. All I was doing was pretending to be on the phone saying "Yeah, I can't BELIEVE they killed harry!"." Joke

#8713

I'm the kind of guy that likes to tease his house plants by watering them with ice cubes. Joke

#8714

For my work, I do all the motorway line markings. You know, just your standard middle of the road job. Joke

#8715

I've decided to invade Madeira - piece of cake... Joke

#8716

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours... If it doesn't, it was never meant to be. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you've set it free..... You either married it or gave birth to it." Joke

#8717

"SKY NEWS - Obama to Make First Official Visit to Oz. Scarecrow, Tin Man and Lion are stepping up security at the Emerald Palace." Joke

#8718

Every day at about 3:30 pm I get an odd squeak in my back of my car, but a Happy Meal seems to shut it up. Joke

#8719

"An attractive girl in work asked me if I would mind having a look at her flaps. I wish I was a gynecologists rather than an aero plane designer." Joke

#8720

"The wife and I have just had a baby, I heard her talking to her friend today in the Lounge. She said, "Last night, he got up at 12am as he wanted some food and then he was up again at 2am because he had wet himself. Next thing you know at 4am he is up crying his eyes out! I must have got 30 minutes sleep and through all that, the baby didn't get up once." Joke

#8721

"What do you call a cowboy with no money? Skint Eastwood" Joke

#8722

"I've just invented the cold air balloon. I don't think it's going to take off." Joke

#8723

"Police swoop on M6 Megabus" Optimus Prime is said to be furious" Joke

#8724

"What do you call a German with a sense of humour? An impostor." Joke

#8725

"Some are soft. Some are strong. And some are long." Am I the only one that got the wrong idea of that advert?" Joke

#8726

"What's the difference between this Joke and all my others? There isn't one, this is still going to get into the negatives." Joke

#8727

Kids in the dark cause accidents, Accidents in the dark cause kids. Joke

#8728

"'Help, I need somebody. Help, not just anybody. Help, you know I need someone, Help' The Beatles were lucky the U.S army never heard this song." Joke

#8729

"I bought my girlfriend some latex gloves because it said on the packet, "Ideal for all hand jobs." So she put the gloves on, pulled my underwear down and took them over to the washing machine. I wouldn't have touched them without gloves either." Joke

#8730

Getting the female contortionist's from the circus to come back to my flat was definitely a result, but challenging them to a game of strip Twister was not the smartest way of trying to get their kit off. Joke

#8731

"I was walking round the fruit and veg stalls at the market when I thought I'd have a kilo of potatoes. the bloke weighed them for me and said, "just over is that ok?", I nodded. Then i asked for a kilo of oranges, he weighed them and again said "just over is that alright" "Ok mate that's 2.70 he said" I gave him 2.50 winked at him and said "just under mate is that ok"?" Joke

#8732

I'd tell you a Joke about the new DFS sale but it goes on forever. Joke

#8733

"At work today an Indian woman got fired apparently JIHAD to go." Joke

#8734

"I saw a High Priest today. "Alright Father," I said, "Been on the Waccy Baccy again?" Joke

#8735

I hold my cup like a mug. Joke

#8736

"Why did the chicken cross the road? There was a gas explosion at KFC." Joke

#8737

"I've heard the Swiss are making a hat that has all the functions of their pocket knives. They're calling it the 'Handycap'" Joke

#8738

"I hate Jokes. I've felt that way ever since my fat mother-in-law went to the West Indies of her own accord. And brought back a dog with no nose." Joke

#8739

"BBC NEWS - RBS boss Stephen Hester announces losses of 3.6bn Seems the only thing he hasn't lost is his virginity." Joke

#8740

If I got a point for every time someone asked me if I've got a Tesco Club card.....hold on.... Joke

#8741

"I'll tell you what's really handy. Hands." Joke

#8742

My wife says I treat her with no respect, but that's just not the case, I think she was just grumpy because her bowl was empty. Joke

#8743

For sale: Cheap Incredible Hulk t-shirts. Usual wear and tear. Joke

#8744

Owning brown towels is a nightmare, i mean you're never too sure which part is safe to wipe your face on. Joke

#8745

The only job where you start from the top is digging a hole. Joke

#8746

"I saw a sign today that said "Pedestrians look both ways." I thought, "so what if they do?" Joke

#8747

"What do you call a cross-dressing dinosaur? Trannysourus rex." Joke

#8748

"My mate dug up what he thought were onions from his allotment yesterday. He cooked them in with his dinner. Turns out they were daffodil bulbs, and made him so ill it hospitalized him. He's ok though, he's due out in spring." Joke

#8749

"The Judge looked directly into my eyes as he began his summing up. "In all my years on the Bench, I can honestly say that I have never had to deal with a more loathsome individual than yourself. You are an habitual liar who thinks nothing of taking advantage of weaker individuals to satisfy their own perverted needs, paying no heed to the damaged and ruined lives you leave in your wake." Then he turned his attention to the accused, "You have chosen your Defense Attorney well Mr. Rodgers." Joke

#8750

"I'm going to Southwestern China with my wife for that gambling tournament." "Tibet?" "No, just to watch." Joke

#8751

"My mate give me this weird pen the other day. I started writing before a gang of people, a dog and a van popped out the end of it. I was so confused. Must've been mystery ink." Joke

#8752

My hopes of getting a job are fading quicker than two toddlers trying to escape a house fire. Joke

#8753

That's the thing about indifference - I can take it or leave it. Joke

#8754

"Anyone seen that Jamrags site? They're stealing all our good Jokes!" Joke

#8755

"Michael Shields is worried that what with his reputation and just being released from prison, he won't be able to find employment. His mam has told him that he could always try his hand at being a brickie" Joke

#8756

"Wallace is remembered in Scotland as a patriot and national hero. Most English men prefer Gromit." Joke

#8757

"What goes: Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, Green, Red, White? Kermit the Frog Masturbating." Joke

#8758

"My girlfriend accused me of being a tramp the other day. I almost choked on the kebab i'd found." Joke

#8759

"Which Knight makes pottery? Sir Amic" Joke

#8760

"Burger King sold for 3.36bn "Once the munchies wore off I bet he was gutted." Joke

#8761

"Do I know the molecular formula of nitrogen monoxide? NO" Joke

#8762

"Everyone always says that I have a dark sense of humour. Bit harsh, I tell fat Jokes as well." Joke

#8763

"Did you hear about the man who got a cushy job in a watch factory? He just stood around all day making faces." Joke

#8764

"My wife doesn't get Irony. Its a game I invented to get crease-less shirts out of her." Joke

#8765

"Had a top secret meeting with all the dimensions in the universe to discuss what will happen in the future. I think only time will tell." Joke

#8766

"In America there was a fitness craze that combined a fast walk with a jog.

I'm always bemused that "Wogging" never really took off in this country." Joke

#8767"As a kid I always wanted to be a fireman, and I'm so happy to have finally achieved that ambition. And now I'm older I can an even spell it the "adult" way..... Pyromaniac." Joke

#8768

"I eventually caught up with the woman who stole all my new material. I was too late, she'd already made two sets of curtains and a pillow case." Joke

#8769

"Why did the meta-Joke cross the road? To get to the punchline." Joke

#8770

"I've started a new business installing fans in toilets.

It's called "Air to the throne" Joke

#8771

To be perfectly honest, I think a lot of the guys here would be best served if they just divorced their obese wives. Joke

#8772

"A lot of posters here see their Jokes as being their children.

I see them that way too: they're stupid, they're ugly and I wish they'd go away." Joke

#8773

"Look, I know that since I walked out, you think that she could use a guy like you, but trust me, that woman has a lot going on and you want none of it. Get out whilst you still can...

Stacey's Dad" Joke

#8774

"I love going round to my nan's to eat crackers. She always puts on a good spread..." Joke

#8775

i just opened the FHM i bought earlier to find that it came with its own free pocket sized Kleenex tissues inside!!... What kind of person do they take me for!! I dont even have a cold Joke

#8776

"Pulled a Polish girl last night. Turns out it was Mrs Muscle." Joke

#8777

"I tried out stand up comedy for the first time last night and, would you believe it, the crowd was on their feet by the end of the night! By which I mean they all threw their chairs at me." Joke

#8778

I brush after every meal, and my dentist says my hair looks lovely. Joke

#8779

"The Anorexia Centre. The easiest place to pick up girls." Joke

#8780

"My mate's recorded a short stand-up set in which he tells a number of Jokes about peas. You should check out his podcast." Joke

#8781

I'm going to get the numbers 1-100 tattooed across my body. That way, you can always count on me. Joke

#8782

"I told my wife to go treat herself for the day, as I'd won our house a free makeover on the TV show 60 Minute Makeover. When she came back a few hours later, she stepped into the house and broke down in tears. It was at that point I realized I take my Jokes too far." Joke

#8783

"Took a week off of work for some reflection. Basically it's me dressing like a girl and chatting myself up in the mirror." Joke

#8784

"As I jumped up on my chosen mount, one of the spectators laughed and shouted, "You won't get far on that lad!" I decided he was right. So I got down and chose a different lad." Joke

#8785

My girlfriend just dumped me for endlessly re-using common formats of Jokes. Joke

#8786

I live in a bungalow. Well, it has an upstairs. But that's another story. Joke

#8787

"I feel so taken for granted that I'm tempted to change my name to "A Million".

That way, people will start thanking me." Joke

#8788

"What does Frodo use to pleasure himself? A Bilbo" Joke

#8789

"Alphabet: A is for acronym..." Joke

#8790

"Doctor says to his patient "I've got some good news & some bad news" "What's the good news?" he asks. "I've managed to cure your pessimistic nature" says the doctor.

"Thanks" says the patient, before leaving." Joke

#8791

Can I play in the sandbox, Mummy? Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy. Joke

#8792

"A blonde sees a psychiatrist for a recurring dream she keeps having. She says: " "I see myself running away from lots of people in a hallway, and at the end of the hallway there's a door and I push as hard as I can to open it, but it won't budge!" The doctor replies; "Don't worry, this is a common dream. Are there any other details that you'd like to share with me?" "Yes, there are four letters on the door that I can't make out." "Do you remember them?" "Yes... P-U-L-L" Joke

#8793

"I like to tape tin foil to the base of my grandad's metal detector using black tape. It's hilarious!" Joke

#8794

"My girlfriend told me I leave her breathless when she is close to me. I've told her we need to spend more time together." Joke

#8795

BBC News "Recent studies show that most Google searches these days are from people trying to see if most of these headlines actually exist" Joke

#8796

"BBC news: alcohol "more harmful than crack or heroin" So before you buy your next pint, think about your body and smack up instead." Joke

#8797

A man in a wheelchair was shouting at a man yesterday in the supermarket for no apparent reason. He was being so aggressive towards the man I thought I better intervene. All I said was "Step off." and I was painted as the bad guy. Joke

#8798

"Facebook Status Shuffle For those who need help." Joke

#8799

"2 flies playing football in a saucer one says to the other "we better improve by next week cos we'll be playing in the cup" Joke

#8800

"I watched as the Paramedic carried the box marked "Human Organ" into the ward, and I felt elated. Suddenly, he tripped and the box went flying. My heart dropped." Joke

#8801

"What goes 'Ha-ha-ha-ha-thump'? A leper laughing his head off." Joke

#8802

My anti-itching powder hasn't worked. So i'm starting again from scratch. Joke

#8803

"My mate asked me to look after his detective agency while he goes abroad on a surveillance mission. I told him to mind his own business." Joke

#8804

"While I was captain of the Starship Enterprise, my chief physician was captured by two rock groups from Planet Metal and interrogated. I wasn't worried. Styx and Stones won't break my Bones." Joke

#8805

"Cairo slum dubbed Garbage City. Obviously never been to Portsmouth" Joke

#8806

"I was at the doctor's the other day and he asked me "Have you ever broken any bones?"

I replied, "Yes, 213 last time I checked" "By god, man! You should be dead!"

"Oh, don't worry, none of them were mine..." Joke

#8807

"I used to have an obsession with theatres But i'm past that stage now" Joke

#8808

"I've had enough of being a teacher. Today I've been sworn at on three occasions, told several people to stop smoking and broken up two fights. And that was just in the Staff Room." Joke

#8809

They say alcohol kills slowly.. So what? Who's in a hurry. Joke

#8810

If my girlfriend sucked as much as my Jokes, I wouldn't have the time to be posting them here. Joke

#8811

"What is BA + NA? Banana" Joke

#8812

My son was born with two extra limbs on his body and needed an operation to separate them. It cost an arm and a leg. Joke

#8813

SKYNEWS- Toyota are stopping at nothing to get things back in order. Joke

#8814

Your mum has been fingered more times than a black guy in an ID parade. Joke

#8815

"I pulled an ugly fat bird last night. I said to her, "Do you fancy seeing my flat tonight?"

She replied "Yes" So I walked her round to the carpark and showed her a deflated tyre".

She looked at me and said, "Please tell me you're joking?" I laughed and said, "Of course I am, I haven't even got a car"." Joke

#8816

"I heard they were doing a funeral for the 70lb fish Two Tone. Cremate or Barbeque?" Joke

#8817

"Timing. What's crucial when telling a Joke?" Joke

#8818

More females to pilot planes?... It'll never take off. Joke

#8819

So, how does this work? Do I HAVE to remember the Jokes from two weeks ago and be the first person that day to repeat them again or am I allowed to make something new up??? Joke

#8820

"Think I've got Parkinson's disease. I keep sending pens to people over 50." Joke

#8821

"Someone stole my fake Christmas tree. Its not fir." Joke

#8822

I was thinking about my ex-girlfriend that used to be a lollipop lady but we broke up because of problems in bed. When i put my stick up we started but we had to stop when she put her stick up. Joke

#8823

"I was about to get in the shower this morning, when I noticed it was making an odd buzzing noise. There's no way I was going to get in, knowing the danger of electricity and water, so I took the safest approach. I went back to bed and let the wife try it first." Joke

#8824

There once was a buggy A.I. who decided her subject should die. When the plot was uncovered the subject discovered that sadly. THE CAKE WAS A LIE!!! Joke

#8825

High fives. Mocking people with four fingers for hundreds of years. Joke

#8826

Bruce Willis,Nick Nolte,Steven Seagal,Gerard Butler and Vinnie Jones were all in the audience for my stand up comedy gig the other night. It was a tough crowd. Joke

#8827

I was walking in town with my wife today. "I'm leaving you because I am sick of you making my life a complete Joke" she said to me, as we crossed the road to get to the other side. Joke

#8828

"I've been out of work for six months. Anyone know a good locksmith?" Joke

#8829

"My neighbours' kids are missing after being sucked into an inlet pipe at a sewage farm.

I can't imagine what they must be going through." Joke

#8830

"I don't know why pandas have so much difficulty mating. It's all there in front of them in black and white." Joke

#8831

Lynx: making you smell like a smoky year 10 since 1983 Joke

#8832

Women who loudly and publicly announce their time of the month should be shot. PERIOD. Joke

#8833

"I was really comfy sat on the bus today. Then I slid off and fell onto the road." Joke

#8834

"A chicken walks into a bar and the barman says to the chicken "Do you want anything to drink? The chicken says "Of course I do. What do you think I crossed the road for?" Joke

#8835

"I wished my friend a Happy Goth Day. He didn't seem very happy about it" Joke

#8836

I'm fed up with everytime i throw a house party the place gets wrecked! so i've started getting a deposit at the door, best idea ever! And if anything was to get wrecked, well at least i'll have a nice collection of bra's and tops. Joke

#8837

"I've spent most of my life farting into cans but i'm starting to realise I should probably stop as it's not normal behaviour. Especially since I still haven't received any royalties from Lynx." Joke

#8838

"Been having '5-A-Day' for a while now, and starting to get blisters on my right hand.

I don't feel any Healthier?" Joke

#8839

Your Mum's So Small, She Has To Slam Dunk Her Bus Fare! Joke

#8840

Being mute is nothing to shout about. Joke

#8841

"I just got in from work, went upstairs to get changed and found my wife in bed with a medievil play actor "it meant nothing", she said, "Just a one knight stand" Joke

#8842

"I've just been to court where my friend was given Nine life sentences. I think that is really harsh, just for running over a cat." Joke

#8843

"May is national egg month and national asparagus month. So i guess its also national "i'd give it 5 minutes before you go in there" month" Joke

#8844

"I was on the bus today when a young mother asked me "Do you mind if I breast feed?"

I said "No that's fine, but don't suck my nipple too hard" Joke

#8845

"My friends are constantly making fun of me because of how gullible I am. We'll see who's laughing when I'm earning 437 a day from the comfort of my own home." Joke

#8846

"I got kicked out of the theatre last night for abusive heckling. Now I've got to explain my actions to the Hospital Board and fellow surgeons." Joke

#8847

"I take my hat off to my barber. Makes it easier for him to cut my hair." Joke

#8848

"I thought Marco Simoncelli died this morning? He seems to be doing alright in the centre of Chelsea's defence" Joke

#8849

"What are you making?" asked the cannibal. "Korean soup," replied his friend, "Try some." "That's nice. How many Koreans did you use?" "Only two. You know what they say... Too many gooks spoil the broth." Joke

#8850

I like to imagine Che Guevara joining Twitter, agonizing over which picture to use as his avatar. Joke

#8851

"My lawyer was supposed to give his closing statement when suddenly I heard him snoring next to me. I woke him up and went, "mate, what do you think you're doing?"

He went, "The defense rests." Joke

#8852

"I recently got sacked from my job as a hospital radio DJ. Apparently playing stairway to heaven isn't acceptable." Joke

#8853

"My mate asked me what I got for Father's Day. "I got a golf ball," I replied. "A golf ball. That doesn't sound much of a present!" "Well that's where you're wrong," I said, "This golf ball is impossible to lose and even floats if you hit into water." "OK, I take it back. It sounds like a great present." "Not really," I replied, "I don't even play golf." Joke

#8854

"I went to my G.P earlier: "Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a battery." "Are you positive?"

"Yeah" I said, "at one end." Joke

#8855

"I had a serious conversation with the wife today. "You haven't done anything to make me feel special lately!" she said. "Quite the opposite, my dear, thanks to me, you are very popular on sickipedia.org!" Joke

#8856

"I've just been dumped by my girlfriend and straight away started going out with a girl on the basketball team. People keep telling me that it's just a rebound thing." Joke

#8857

"On hearing about the Ethiopian Air crash in the middle east,my wife turned to me and said "Thats awful,you would automatically think its a terrorist attack wouldnt you?"

I replied " No, i automatically try to think of a new Joke to post on Sickipedia!"

On the sofa again tonight! Well, make it worth your while and actually tell us a Joke, then... Joke

#8858

"What have white women and Neapolitan ice cream got in common? They both have a small White strip between the pink and the brown." Joke

#8859

I guess "stop, drop and roll" doesn't apply when you're on a beach off the Gulf of Mexico... Joke

#8860

"Today is a national day of mourning in America. However, if you're from the Middle East it's a national holiday." Joke

#8861

I got drunk last night. Mind you, thats what I get for sitting in a cup of tea. Joke

#8862

"I've just seen Bob Holness working in my local DVD rental store. And that's blockbusters!" Joke

#8863

"I thought of a Joke about Wind coming into my house through an open window.

but I had just posted a Joke minutes before. So I saved it as a draught" Joke

#8864

"I was having great fun this weekend, teaching our three year old how to catch.

As usual, the wife spoiled it by taking away my medicine ball." Joke

#8865

It says 'recyclable items only' on our wheelie bin,so i put our kids new bike in it. Joke

#8866

I was super gluing my model airplane together when i got a blob of the glue on the palm of my hand,i then put my hand down onto a copy of my memoirs. That's my story and i'm sticking to it. Joke

#8867

"I applied for the TV show Idle Idol - to find Britain's laziest person. I failed on application." Joke

#8868

If, in your relationship, you continue to hear, "You're smothering me", then you're probably not holding the pillow down tight enough! Joke

#8869

"I went to a DIY house improvements convention today and the after party was great.

They totally raised the roof." Joke

#8870

"3 drunk guys boarded a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he decided to take advantage of them. He started the engine and turned it off again. He told them, "We've reached our destination." The first guy paid him the cab fare, and the second guy said, "Thank you."

The third guy gave the driver a slap. The driver was shocked, thinking the third drunk guy knew what he did. But he asked. "What was that for?" The third guy replied. "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!" Joke

#8871

"What do you call a travelling potato? Chipsy" Joke

#8872

"Whats got 6 teeth and 44 legs?? The crisis loan queue!" Joke

#8873

"Just planted a few bulbs. Gonna have my own solar plant!" Joke

#8874

"My mates keep telling me that if I keep believing everything they keep saying to me, my brain will explode. So now I accuse them of lying, just in case." Joke

#8875

"BBC NEWS: Internet racism pair lose appeal. "Two men have lost their appeals against the UK's first conviction for inciting racial hatred via a foreign website." Looks like Sickipedia is gonna be two members down." Joke

#8876

"Dating Advert: Midget very kind and nice to put it short and sweet." Joke

#8877

"What's black and looks good on my wife? The bin liners I've just wrapped her battered corpse in." Joke

#8878

head boy is a prestigous award given to gifted students, head girl is an order. Joke

#8879

"New Wiliksons Sword hydro razor with water activated gel molecules. Maybe, just maybe, the water you feel from the 'water activated gel molecules' is the very same water needed to activate them." Joke

#8880

Someone has just come up to me while I was eating and said "you are what you eat". I wouldn't normally pay any attention to it but I was eating Jamaican ginger cake at the time and I'm not taking that sort of risk. Joke

#8881

Conned some tramps out of their last few quid the other day........ i must stop playing silly beggars. Joke

#8882

I think i'll try moonwalking the next time someone asks me to do a Michael Jackson impression.. It didn't go down very well with my wife's mate when i dangled her baby over our balcony. Joke

#8883

"I've had a lot of experience at delivering Jokes. I used to be Joe Pasquale's postman." Joke

#8884

"My mate asked me if i could help him fix his clock. so I gave him a hand." Joke

#8885

"My wife left me because I spend too much time on the Internet. So I guess now the Joke's on her." Joke

#8886

"Breaking news John Terry has been released from police questing so he can come on as a late sub for Emma West" Joke

#8887

Success is now measured the instant you die by how many Jokes circulate "too soon." Joke

#8888

"What do you call a man that has a pole stuck through the middle of his leg?

Rodney." Joke

#8889

The other day when I was out riding my dragon, I realized how much I hate people who lie! Joke

#8890

"Life is more thrilling when you're out there living it. I read that somewhere." Joke

#8891

"O

R

I

G

I

N

A
L

J

O

K

E

I guess thats another original Joke going down..." Joke

#8892

An Englishman eating his sunday roast, a Scotsman with a kilt on, an Irish man drunk out of his head, and a Kenwood Hifi system are in a bar. They were all stereotypes. Joke

#8893

"What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a boiling pot?

Stu." Joke

#8894

"My mate showed me a website to order a MacBook for only twenty quid the other day.

Imagine my disappointment when through my door I received a catalogue full of raincoats." Joke

#8895

"Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Bourne almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Lincolnshire? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 225,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give each of them a cow." Joke

#8896

"thatcher taken to hospital" Let's hope it's just a miner problem" Joke

#8897

"As a teenager, I was into death metal and cooking. I was an angry man, but you've gotta eat." Joke

#8898

"I have trouble telling the difference between Camera's and Gun's. Which led to tragic consequences at a recent wedding." Joke

#8899

"My wife has hay fever, and on Sunday she had a very bad allergic reaction.

Through swollen lips, and struggling to breath, she gasped "Call me a doctor."

"You're a doctor." I replied." Joke

#8900

"I've got a sure-fire tip for you. The red bit on the end of a matchstick." Joke

#8901

"I've just been showing off my new wheels to my mates, but they didn't seem impressed.

Perhaps they'd have been more enthusiastic if they were attached to a car." Joke

#8902

"My wife told me she wanted a greenhouse, It cost a fortune in paint, our house is huge!" Joke

#8903

Quadriplegics - you gotta hand it to them... Joke

#8904

"3 and a half years ago since i emigrated to america, i bet the wife is worried sick." Joke

#8905

"I went to buy a Kenwood food processor yesterday but it ended in tears. Turns out me and blenders don't mix." Joke

#8906

"My taste in women is a lot like my Joke History. They both suck" Joke

#8907

"A guy with one leg asked me for some spare change. I told him to hop it." Joke

#8908

"My mates tell me I'm not a funny guy. Turns out they're right." Joke

#8909

"I've started doing some voluntary work for my local fire station. I'm an arsonist!" Joke

#8910

"Now, I'm sure he's got too much water for his tea. Thought the Lobster" Joke

#8911

"My wife said the only vegetable that could make her cry was an onion. But you should have seen her after I hit her Mum with my car." Joke

#8912

"What's the difference between a comedienne and God. Nothing, no evidence exists to suggest the existence of either." Joke

#8913

I'll never forget the day I won the World Memory Championships. Joke

#8914

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. Joke

#8915

"Our band is called "Zero Memory Laptop" We've got no gigs." Joke

#8916

Street smarts is just a word dumb people use when they wanna use the word smart to describe themselves Joke

#8917

"My boss gathered all the team together this morning, "Terrible news I'm afraid," he said, "Six of our French colleagues died in a helicopter accident last evening."

As we stood there absorbing the gravity of the announcement, I decided to break the silence.

"I've never trusted those things," I said. "What.. Helicopters?" someone asked.

"No. The French." Joke

#8918

"While I was eating breakfast, I received news that my ex-wife died of cancer.

Good mourning." Joke

#8919

Hey, am I the only one who thinks Pacman should give Ghostbusters a call? Joke

#8920

Doctors, tired of licking stamps? Simply attach your stamps to the underside of your tongue stick before the patient says 'Aah.' Joke

#8921

"Why do birds fly south in the winter. Because its better then walking." Joke

#8922

"I'm not saying my ginger girlfriend needs a trim down below.

But, when I whipped off her panties, it resembled the Australian Bush fires from a bird's eye view." Joke

#8923

"I treat my Jokes like my children. I fiddle with them until I'm satisfied." Joke

#8924

"Me and my brother were on a car journey when I turned to him and said "You know when people say something that builds up like a Joke but don't say anything afterwards?" "yeah, right?" he replied. We sat in silence the rest of the journey." Joke

#8925

"I've always had a thing about women in uniform, so I didn't hesitate when the WPC was being nice to me. "Can I buy you a drink later?" I asked.

"I think we should probably wait until you've identified your wife's body," she replied." Joke

#8926

In support of the strikes today the London ramblers will not be walking out Joke

#8927

I was having a packet of kettle crisps with my Stella when the wife says "Why are those crisp bags so big"? I said "they're made in Norwich you need a bigger bag to get a 6 fingered hand in" Joke

#8928

"When I was in the army we adopted a stray dog and taught him how to play fetch.

He was a friendly old thing and all the lads got really fond of him. Shame we had to shoot him when he got loose during grenade practise." Joke

#8929

"My dad is like Adolf Hitler. In that I have never met him." Joke

#8930

If time is money, then my wife spends far too much time shopping. Joke

#8931

"I've made up three Jokes this week. The first was about a ghetto blaster, the second was about a Walkman and the third was about a Hitachi Midi system. Like all my Jokes, they rely on stereo types." Joke

#8932

"I just had a feeling of deja vu, then I thought: thats never happened before" Joke

#8933

"I went on holiday to America last year. After driving non-stop south across Colorado and New Mexico you can guess the state I was in." Joke

#8934

When Kate Middleton visited Liverpool, she was shown round a bar with no alcohol. She then moved on to see houses with no windows and cars with no wheels. Joke

#8935

I saw this guy boasting that he was great at maths,so I went up to him an asked him" If a hole is 3 feet by 6 feet by 6 feet,how much dirt is in the hole" "108 cubic feet." he answered smugly, so I politely said there's no dirt it's a hole!" and walked off. Joke

#8936

I worry about the current rate of inflation. I'm not sure my blow up doll can take much more! Joke

#8937

"Hobbies Include running through parks and photography. Well it sounds better then Flashing in the park." Joke

#8938

FACT: you are 23 times more likely to crash if driving while trying to send a te Joke

#8939

I got stopped by a woman in the street today who tried to tell me a Joke - it started off really well. Pain, suffering, abuse, maybe a bit of incest. I didn't get the punchline though. Something about 2 a month? Joke

#8940

"Why did the clown cross the road? He saw the funny side." Joke

#8941

"The Popes right hand man said that landing in Britain was like landing in a 3rd world country.

I never knew Bradford had an airport. its called leeds Bradford international airport, you fool." Joke

#8942

Consistently innovative and exciting, the London International Mime Festival returns....Now you're talking Joke

#8943

"I was in Amsterdam recently and I bought a 'Puff and sniff scratch card.'

I think I won. But I don't know because I was stoned for 2 days." Joke

#8944

Fergie has put out a press statement saying that Man Utd are leading the way of getting rid of the ugly side of football now that Gary Neville has retired. Joke

#8945

"Because you're so predictable," I said. "How come you always seem to know what I'm going to say?". she asked" Joke

#8946

"Me and my wife have been told we can't have children. She turned to me today and said "I think in vitro fertilization is the option we should go for. I think that could work."

I looked at her. Her eyes, filling up with tears looking at me for hope.

"OK, just be careful about putting all your eggs in one basket" Joke

#8947

"BBC News: UK Rapist in Austraila sent home" His parents are said to be furious and he's not allowed back to school for two weeks..." Joke

#8948

"My party trick is to fill my foreskin with over forty 10p pieces. And that's why I'm not a Children's Entertainer anymore." Joke

#8949\

I was raised by just my mother because my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter. Joke

#8950

I keep finding vomit on my doorstep. I think it's some kind of sick Joke. Joke

#8951

"It was two weeks before my wife's birthday and she gave the daily nagging to say how I don't treat her and show affection for the 20 years we've been married, so I booked us this restaurant in the high street just so she would see how I do care for her. On the night we went in and sat down on a special table on the top floor looking out from the balcony to see the whole city.

"This is nice, all these years I thought you didn't know me and suddenly you bring me to this beautiful restaurant with this gorgeous view, thanks Darren, plus I love this food! What's this place call--eerrhgh orghh...." Turns out the restaurant was Korean and that my wife was allergic to dogs..." Joke

#8952

"I've just seen an old guy collecting Tesco trolleys and I reckon he needs to stop showing off at his age. He's pushing 60." Joke

#8953

"Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for some people they can't laugh either" Joke

#8954

"I didnt realise i had a broken wallet until finally one day. The Penny Dropped." Joke

#8955"Paddy and Murphy are sitting on a train one afternoon when this beautiful blonde girl gets on and sits opposite them. "I think she likes you Paddy" whispered Murphy,

True enough, the blonde girl began winking and licking her lips at Paddy.

As their stop approached, Paddy pulls out a bit of paper, scribbles on it and blows the girl a kiss as the boys step off the train. "What was that Paddy?" asked Murphy,

"I gave her me number" Paddy replied,

"Do you think she'll call?" quizzed Murphy,

"Don't be stupid!" said Paddy, "Of course she won't call!...

She'll knock. I gave her our door number"." Joke

#8956

"Of my two ex-wives, the one I hate the most was the one who left me for another women.

I think of her as the lezza of two evils." Joke

#8957

"My relationship with women ironically mirrors my taste in Country Music.

In both cases, it's Cash only." Joke

#8958

"I'm always getting a hard time. I try to turn a blind eye to people who mock my poor vision. I will not hear another word said about my deafness. And I can't even begin to tell you how much I wish i wasn't born mute." Joke

#8959

"I'm getting married next week but I've heard there's going to be a big fight.

May the Best Man win." Joke

#8960

"If there's something strange in your neighborhood. Who ya gonna call?

The Police." Joke

#8961

"I left a sign outside my house that said "Beware of the dog". Days later, despite the sign -the postman had knocked on the door. Before I could tell him to run away, a huge dog appeared; growling and drooling. "Do you have any idea what time it is?!" My wife said." Joke

#8962

"Your best mate's mum who lives across the street has lost a lot of weight" I said to my daughter.. She said "You've got your binoculars the wrong way round dad." Joke

#8963

"I asked a fat guy "is it easy to get fat" He replied, "piece of cake"." Joke

#8964

"Whats the worst thing about learning a Joke on Sickipedia? Not being able to post it on Sickipedia." Joke

#8965

"3 Scousers and an angry black man are riding around in a black van

It must be the Ay Team" Joke

#8966

"Has anybody else ever felt bad about a racist Joke they've ever written or read?

No me neither" Joke

#8967

I went for a poo at pauls and all i got was this lousy black eye. Joke

#8968

"I spilt milk in my drink. Tango neutralised." Joke

#8969

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... Joke

#8970

"All these new Televisions are confusing. When I was young,. High Definition was smoking weed and reading the dictionary." Joke

#8971

I can levitate birds. No one cares. Joke

#8972

"Article on the BBC News Website by Jon Kelly: "Why do people tell sick Jokes about tragedies?" Where else would comedians get their material from?

Your mum?" Joke

#8973

I Purchased a Microwave Bed today.. I can now have 8 Hours Sleep in 7 Seconds, Joke

#8974

"I had to stop children entering the cinema screen at work today.

It was no small feat." Joke

#8975

"I finally understand the saying "There's more than one way to skin a cat"

Yeah, there's the Cruyff Turn, the step-over or even the Ronaldinho flip-flap." Joke

#8976

"I used to go out with a girl who had "Asprin" tattooed over one breast and "Paracetamol" over the other. Finest medicine chest I've ever come across." Joke

#8977

"I may be forgetful, but theres one thing I most cetainly am not....

Predictable." Joke

#8978

"it always makes me laugh when little chavs try to steal my NY yankies hat.

I always have my caps lock on" Joke

#8979

"So I was in the chip shop when the woman asked "salt and vinegar?" I said yes it does smell like that now can you get off the counter and put your knickers back on please I want some chips." Joke

#8980

"what did the letter R say to the letter P? excuse me is there a Q infront of you?" Joke

#8981

"What do you call a one legged woman? Ilean." Joke

#8982

"How many recruitment consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? Well that depends. Have you tried to fit the lightbulb yourself? When do you need to have it fitted? And would you be willing to let me work on the job exclusively?" Joke

#8983

"Do they have a census for animals? If they do I don't think they would include sheep, imagine how hard it would be trying to stay awake" Joke

#8984

"What do they call a water fight in Somalia ? A "fight over water". Joke

#8985

"The girlfriend asked me " how many women have you slept with"?

I said " I won't give you the number but I can count them all on one hand."

"Brilliant" she said. And under my breath I counted 5,10,15,20......." Joke

#8986

"i was going to write a Joke but my database latency is to high

its a shame too because it was a really good Joke" Joke

#8987

"A witch has cursed me by turning my head into a giant polo sweet. I tried to convince her that it didn't bother me, but she saw straight through me." Joke

#8988

"I like my children like I like my Jokes. Not getting old." Joke

#8989

I cant believe it!... Monday night I was watching Keith Allen interview Keith Floyd then on Tuesday morning Keith Floyd drops dead!... Any chance Keith can interview his daughter Lily in the next programme? Joke

#8990

I wish I could get my CRB check deleted as quick as my Jokes. Joke

#8991

"My brother asked me if I could dress up as a calculator for his fancy dress party, as his best mate cancelled. I told him he could count on me." Joke

#8992

Ever been searching for something but you just can't remember where you left it if your life depended on it? I really need to find that inhaler. Joke

#8993

"Just sold Jimmy's finest comedy DVD for 50. Thanks webuyanycar.com, and sorry it had to go legal." Joke

#8994

"My mate looks like Patrick Swayze when he dances on a night out

Rotten" Joke

#8995

"The mutilated bodies of a boy band have been found today dumped at a Scottish beauty spot.

Man charged with Mcfly tipping." Joke

#8996

Sarcasm: When life gives you lemons, squeeze them into life's eyes, while smiling. Joke

#8997

"Sky News - "Airport Closed After Light Plane Crashes" Can't have been that light then..." Joke

#8998

"My mate reckons it's possible to kill your wife with a blender. I might give it a whirl." Joke

#8999

"Meanwhile in Africa. Breaking News: Two goat driven carts ram into the World Trade Huts." Joke

#9000

"Walking my dog this morning. My mate comes running over to me from the other side of the field. "My dogs run away! I've lost him" "Have you tried calling him?" *checks pocket*

"Na, I've got no signal" Joke

#9001

"What's Madeleine McCann's favourite Television show? Lost" Joke

#9002

"I hated it in prison, I used to get beaten everyday. Turns out I'm rubbish at Playstation games." Joke

#9003

"I took the wife out for a drink last night. What a waste of time that was... She could barely keep her eyes open. I told the tart she'd put way too much mascara on." Joke

#9004

"I met this girl named Maybelline once. She said she was born with it." Joke

#9005

"First Oslo and now Amy Winehouse. This shows that shooting up will get you in the news." Joke

#9006

I should have known better than tell someone my biggest secret whilst attending the Town Cryer's annual convention. Joke

#9007

"I was chatting with this big fat bird in the pub the other day, When my mates shouted;

Oi! quit disturbing the parrot!" Joke

#9008

If there's enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts, it probably isn't. Joke

#9009

"My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with meta humour.

I missed the point entirely for comic effect." Joke

#9010

"Just to remind everyone that the clocks go an hour forward today

Don't lose sleep over it" Joke

#9011

"Landed in Saudi Arabia to see a mate and showed him the bag of pot I snuck into the plane.

"Flush that or your gonna get stoned!" What an idiot, that's what pot is suppose to do!" Joke

#9012

"My wife said she's going to leave me because of my obsession with calendars.

I'm counting the days..." Joke

#9013

Reports say school lunches are a threat to national security because the fat content in school food is making kids unfit to serve in the military. It does not help that most lunch ladies look like they live in caves in Afghanistan. Joke

#9014

I know two Everton fans who still haven't found what they were looking for, Kate and Gerry McCann. Joke

#9015

My pet elk has vanished, one moment it was in the garden next moment vamoose Joke

#9016

"My son's been offered a place on a Theoretical Philosophy course at university.

He's going to think about it." Joke

#9017

So now Kim-Jong Il, Gadaffi and Bin Laden are now dead. Only 4 more horcruxes to go before Ruport Murdoch can be destroyed! Joke

#9018

"Wanna hear a Joke about paranoia? Actually, don't worry." Joke

#9019

"My friend just challenged me to guess what food item he was hiding behind his back.

"Well that's a piece of cake" I said." Joke

#9020

"My wife is always telling me I need to have a more active and Healthy lifestyle...

So tonight, I'm going to walk to the pub at the far end of town." Joke

#9021

My mate is fighting a map, he's lost. Joke

#9022

"I said to my mate the other night, "don't you hate it when someone is telling a Joke and it ends with a terrible punch line?" He said, "yes"." Joke

#9023

My cocaine empire is struggling in these hard times, it's all gone to pot. Joke

#9024

"Opening a resteraunt that sells Healthy stuffed flatbread sandwhichs that slows down the aging process. I'm calling it Pita Pan's." Joke

#9025

"I set up a business to help parents deal with all the consequences of cot death. In hindsight, the company name "From the Cradle to the Grave" may not have been the best choice." Joke

#9026

"Wife and I were about to get into an arguement over what coffee would be suitable for our cafetiere. Luckily we found the Medium Ground." Joke

#9027

I haven't done a hard days work for the past year,yet our company has received two of the biggest awards in our field..... It's nice to have something in common with Fernando Torres. Joke

#9028

"I was feeling really depressed the other day so i popped over to see my mate who's a dwarf, he gave me a big hug and told me everything would work out and he said he would be here for me anytime.... Sometimes you just need a little pick me up !" Joke

#9029

"What do you call a woman who likes to go out when its windy? Gail." Joke

#9030

Just been into KFC and bought a new i-Twist, still cant figure out how to play my songs o Joke

#9031

Did you hear about the nervous preacher? He had sweaty psalms Joke

#9032

2 yank redneck brothers on opposite sides of a river, one shouts to the other "How do you get across to the other side?" "You are on the other side" comes the reply. Joke

#9033

"My wife is an English teacher and she's getting annoyed at my poor use of the English language. She's so far ahead of me in terms of language she's literally on a different planet." Joke

#9034

Am I the only one that thinks big issue sellers need to go onto some sort of sales and marketing course? Joke

#9035

"My grandma turned a 102 today, and she hasn't got a single grey hair on her head.

Becuase she's bald." Joke

#9036

"I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait till it gets warmer" Joke

#9037

Twice upon a time there was a time machine... Joke

#9038

"A boy was constantly wandering in and out of the house, leaving the front or back door wide open. "Once and for all, will you please close that?", an exasperated mother pleaded one day. "Were you born in a barn?" "No, I was born in a hospital, " he replied, smirking. "With automatic doors." Joke

#9039

"I used the coin bin on the Severn Bridge this morning. That took it's toll." Joke

#9040

"What do you call the feminine version of the the end of a Joke? The washing line. Joke

#9041

A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on suicide. The Librarian says: "Do you have a Library card?" The man says no, and leaves. Joke

#9042

"The Headmaster came to observe my lesson and then called me into his office.

"Mr Blake, you're either a fraud or the laziest Games Teacher I've ever seen," He said.

"I don't know what you mean Headmaster...I taught them Connect 4 yesterday, so today it was Buckeroo." Joke

#9043

Don't you just hate it when people post observations as Jokes. Joke

#9044

From what I've read, it seems like John F. Kennedy was a real open-minded guy. Joke

#9045

"I phoned Emergency Services as soon as the accident happened.

Although they were a bit shirty about it, they did manage to talk me through the nappy change." Joke

#9046

"Never be proud of your choices. Your wife is one of them." Joke

#9047

"My girlfriend called over to help me build my medieval figure set. She really made my knight" Joke

#9048

"As the smell of the fart permeated the air around me and everyone began to hold their noses, I did what huge numbers of men have done before me. I blamed it on the dog.

I thought I'd got away with it until the nurse pointed out that dogs weren't allowed in the operating theatre." Joke

#9049

"My Internet connection and my wife's trousers have a lot in common. They both have a really high band width." Joke

#9050

"This morning I opened my cupboard to find my underwear fighting. They are boxers to be fair." Joke

#9051

"I was getting a bit lonely in the evenings, so I decided to advertise for a lodger.

The Governor refused though saying I hadn't really grasped the concept of solitary confinement." Joke

#9052

"I used to hang around with a shy rock but now hes a little boulder" Joke

#9053

"My girlfriend is leaving me for the most ridiculous reason. Apparently I am addicted to cricket.

Oh well I suppose we had a good innings." Joke

#9054

"The children at the primary school I work at love to draw turkeys using their hands as the outline. Except the kid from Norfolk, who loves drawing Stegosauruses." Joke

#9055

"Taxi for abdul... Oh wait, he drives one." Joke

#9056

"We were just about to start the annual company rugby match when my opposing captain jogged up to me. "You do realise this is only supposed to be a friendly game between employees, don't you?" "Of course I do," I replied, "Especially after last year when you accused me of drafting in some ringers." "So where are those five from then?" he asked. "The temporary New Zealand branch," I said, "Now show some respect while they do the Haka." Joke

#9057

Today, I told my girlfriend that I often make Jokes online at her expense. She said, "That's alright. I don't exist anyway." Joke

#9058When is it okay to spit on EL's face? Joke

#9059

"That's out of line. way" Joke

#9060

"You know, I've been on hard times lately and there's always been a group of people there for me no matter what. Through the credit crunch, Jade's cancer, through Michael Jackson dying,through Obama becoming president and now the anniversary of 9/11. Though these group of people are always there for me, they get enough stick as it is because of their morals and and for saying what they believe is right, and this group of people are mostly hated but loved by many, yet many of them are also wanted by the police. Yet, their still there for me.

So thank you sickipedians for always being there, unless the latency decided to intrude." Joke

#9061

"whats the only part of a piece of clothing thats constantly trying to get your attention?

....a hem!!" Joke

#9062

A good Joke is created from the genius of a male and the inspiration from a female. Joke

#9063

"I tried ringing a scissor factory today. I got cut off!!!" Joke

#9064

I have always struggled to write one-liners, especially on narrow paper. Joke

#9065

Life is a lot like an unfinished Joke, because it always makes people really Joke

#9066

Women are so dramatic. 'Be careful, you'll have my eye out with that!' With a tennis ball mum? REALLY? Joke

#9067

"We're no strangers to love. You know the rules, and so do I" Actually Rick, I don't. Maybe if you made your song more widely available..." Joke

#9068

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. Joke

#9069

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman decide not to go into a pub - hey, I'm not joking! Joke

#9070

Muslim comedians make me explode with laughter. Joke

#9071

"The other day, I decided to get my girlfriend pregnant to save money. I mean, do you know how expensive milk is these days!?" Joke

#9072

Women are like hoovers, once you turn them on they won't stop sucking. Joke

#9073

"The lady at the dole office looked at me and said, "Mr Davies... A few of us are beginning to question whether you are actually seriously seeking employment." "What?", I responded, "That's absurd! Why would you suggest such a thing?" "Well.. It's just most people will make the effort of changing out of their pyjamas before coming in to sign on." Joke

#9074

"BBC News - Boat death girl, 11, 'not seen' Worst... super-villain... ever!" Joke

#9075

"Anytime I eat in a restaurant I always leave the same tip on the table.

"Lock your doors in future when I'm in. That way I wouldn't dine and dash so easily," it says." Joke

#9076

"Procrastination... I'll think of the punch line later." Joke

#9077

I don't claim to be a big deal.... but let's just say I am what Willis was talking about. Joke

#9078

"To poo, or not to poo. That is digestion" Joke

#9079

"I went to the police station to report my mother missing. "When did you last see her?" the officer asked. "Last night," I replied. "Was she acting strangely?" "Yes... She was singing 'Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep'." Joke

#9080

"Hi , my name's Jack. I'd like to write you an original Joke. But I'm unable to think out of the box." Joke

#9081

"My illiterate friend made a Joke today. "Brilliant!" I exclaimed. "You can't write that stuff!" Joke

#9082

The look on my nans face when i walked in on her and caught her knitting me a bowl of shreddies! Joke

#9083

Onions are like puppies.....people cry when you cut them in half Joke

#9084

I tested two dishwashers, and i have come to the conclusion that the Filipino is better. Joke

#9085

i can just about tolerate pens but i have to say i draw the line with pencils... Joke

#9086

Is it just me or are there other people stuck on this island? Joke

#9087

I was raised Catholic but I'm trying to become a Lutheran so I can get on board to try and kill Superman. Joke

#9088

"Like most other Sickipedians I'm using the newest popular Joke template" Joke

#9089

"Want proof we sickipedians can TAKE a Joke? Just see how many Duplicates there are !" Joke

#9090

I thought ITV and BBC were bad for showing repeats of films, but yesterday on Sickipedia I saw Ghost 2 at least fifteen times. Joke

#9091

swhereing shows a lack of intelligence Joke

#9092

"I had to excuse myself from dinner this evening to answer a call of nature.

Being Dr Dolittle isn't all fun and games." Joke

#9093

"How many Yorkshire men does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They dont like change." Joke

#9094

"My wife moaned at me to day complaining that i never open the car door for her.

so as i was driving down the M66 i wait until i hit 80mph then opened the car door bet she wish she keep her mouth shut now." Joke

#9095

"My girlfriend just called me a sore loser I nearly threw my controller at the game over screen" Joke

#9096

"Birmingham city have just signed Chilean international Jean Beausejour from Club America

Looks like they dug him out from the minor leagues!" Joke

#9097

I only have one pet hate...cats Joke

#9098

"My old man's a Dustman... He lives in an Urn on the Mantle Piece." Joke

#9099

"My wifes been a mime for about a year now and I'm leaving her. I've had enough of her charades." Joke

#9100

"On a recent epsiode of blockbuster the contestant asked for an "E please bob"?

Bob replied "sort you out after the show" Joke

#9101

"I tried fitting in with a group of young raisins recently. Didn't go too well.

I guess I wasn't current enough." Joke

#9102

"How do you know when a pedophile has moved next door to you?

The kids stop taking candy from you." Joke

#9103

My mate said i need to grow up and mature .. thats the last time im asking him if hes playing out ! Joke

#9104

BBC London News: "The story of an autistic man kept in care for a year against his will. We now hand over to our special correspondent.." Joke

#9105

"I was walking my dog this morning when a Paki stopped me and asked; "Why has your dog got a bandage on his face?" Me: "He had an accident and lost his nose"

Paki: "That's awful, how does he smell?"

Me: "Nowhere near as bad as you"." Joke

#9106

"A mate of mine stays up late every night to 'watch the stuff they can't show during the day'.

He's a deaf baseball fan with a gambling problem." Joke

#9107

Can everyone stop with all the toothpaste Jokes, oral-b angry Joke

#9108

"My wife is so fat that she barely fits in the small valley that we live in.

And that's why they say 'Faith will move mountains'." Joke

#9109

"My girlfriend's daughter said "I wonder what would be different if you were actually my Dad"

I replied "Well, you'd be better looking for a start." Joke

#9110

"I often lie awake at night, and ask myself "Where have I gone wrong?"

To which a voice replies, "This is going to take more than one night." Joke

#9111

"I've just got back from Nuremburg. What a trial that was." Joke

#9112

"What's red and smells like peaches? Bob Geldof's fingers" Joke

#9113

"A taxi driver who saw Maddie McCann with 4 adults the day after she disappeared demanded an answer as to why no one has followed up his sighting yet. "We're just coming round your corner now." Said Portuguese police." Joke

#9114

Checked out Wonga.com to see if they have an "Investors in People" logo. They don't, which I find ironic. Joke

#9115

"The Met Office is taking its own advice by planning ahead for extreme weather.

It has issued a severe weather warning for the UK running from April to September next year." Joke

#9116

I like my tea nice and strong. Not for any other reason than I find it highly amusing asking for a double bagger at work. Joke

#9117

"A Jew, a black man and an alcoholic walk into a bar. The bar tender says, "What's this... a Joke?" When he was beaten up and mugged he realised that it wasn't a Joke, it was a typical night out in Newcastle." Joke

#9118

"Where do rudeboys keep their money? Safe, innit" Joke

#9119

"I just broke up with my girlfriend today. I couldn't handle all the attention she got for being so hot. I had to put her out." Joke

#9120

Window shopping is what men do, when they want to buy windows. Joke

#9121

You're about as much use as the lid on a McFlurry. Joke

#9122

"Just saw a bunch of blokes knocking ten bells out of some household waste as it rolled by on a conveyor belt. It was a rubbish punch-line." Joke

#9123

"BBC News: Ivory Coast asks for ICC probe What do they think the International Cricket Council are going to do?" Joke

#9124

"As the plane lurched violently, I screamed out, "Oh my God! We're all going to die!"

The guy next to me said, "Pull yourself together man.. That's no way to act."

"You're right," I apologised, before switching on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain speaking.... We're all going to die!" Joke

#9125

Just been to the pound shop, pregnancy test kits next to condoms. Confidence inspiring. Joke

#9126

Due to the rising prices of everyday items, iv had to milk my cereal for every penny. Joke

#9127

"Alan Hansen once famously quoted that you "won't win anything with kids."

Well, I beg to differ Alan, as my Best Young Goats in Show medal will testify." Joke

#9128

"Climbing to the summit of Mount Everest was the highest point in my life. It all went downhill from there." Joke

#9129

"I remember my girlfriend looking up at me, as I stuck it in for the first time; pumping away, trying not to get too excited while a man watched us through a window.

Filling up fuel for the first time was quite the experience." Joke

#9130

"I've had one of those Saniflo toilets installed and I can thoroughly recommend them.

The wife isn't so sure though. She thinks it looks out of place in the dining room." Joke

#9131

"With his trousers down round his ankles he said.. "Look, They're small, smelly, and this one no longer stands up on command" "Sargent, when I asked how your privates were doing, that's not exactly what I had in mind.." Joke

#9132

"I saw a Homeless guy selling magazines. He had tied them to a post to stop thieves from taking them. I thought, "that guy has trussed issues" Joke

#9133

"Have you given any more thought about kids?" my wife asked me. "Yes I have actually," I replied. "Brilliant!" she said, "So what do you think?"

"I reckon they'll be OK for another half an hour. Pint or half?" Joke

#9134

"My wife left me because of my obession with Queen, Another one bites the dust." Joke

#9135

What is the point of BBC researchers, if I have to think of questions to ask them? Joke

#9136

"After months being depressed, my doctor advised me to spend time with people that would be good for my self esteem. I've just got the job of driving the Sunshine Bus." Joke

#9137

"A Native American child walks to his Native American dad and asks him "Dad, why is my younger brother called Full Moon Rising?", where he replies, "That's because when I was making love to your mother, the moon was rising, so we called him that". The child then asks "And why is my sister called Sleeping Wolf?". "That's because I was making love with your mother in a forest when we saw a wolf sleeping. Why are you asking these questions, Two Dogs Humping?" Joke

#9138

"what did wayne rooney get on his final exam paper dribble" Joke

#9139

"They say time is the best healer... Try saying that to a chronophobic" Joke

#9140

"The pub quiz last night was Run DMC themed and I didn't do very well. Well it's like that, and that's the way it is." Joke

#9141

"I was in court the other day about divorcing my wife. When the judge asked why i wanted to get a divorce, apparently "I bought a dishwasher" wasn't good enough." Joke

#9142

"I was selling polo shirts down the Market yesterday when some bloke came up to me and said " you got lacoste mate?" I said, 15 quid each or 2 for 25." Joke

#9143

I'm trying to think of the perfect oxymoron for a Joke but i've drawn a blank. Joke

#9144

"I got a blowup doll so i can ride in the car pull lane... the fact that one thing might have lead to another is nether here nor there" Joke

#9145

"After starting out great my relationship new girlfriend has really taken a turn for the worse.

Suddenly all I get from her is nagging. It's all 'wondering eye' this and 'unfaithful' that

I swear she's sounding more and more like wife" Joke

#9146

"In primary school I was taught that it was harder to put things up than to get them down.

The only conclusion I can come to is that the teacher had an erectile dysfunction." Joke

#9147

I decided to take the bus this morning.......... The driver left the keys in the ignition when he went to the toilet. Joke

#9148

"What do you call a self - centred Indian? An "attention Sikh-er" Joke

#9149

I've just sold my soul to the devil............ He particularly wanted the Stevie Wonder LP's that i put on ebay. Joke

#9150

"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying 'Aaaaaaa Ohhhhhhhh!'"

"That's brilliant David, now take your Ritilin and get back to bed." Joke

#9151

There are 37 things I hate in this world; Jokes that don't make any logical sense. Joke

#9152

"My nan used to say "If you eat the crusts of the bread it will make your hair go curly."

She wasn't wrong. I cannot for the life of me straighten my pubic hair." Joke

#9153

"I've just invented an Internet service for tall people and giants. It's called Wi-Fi-Fo-Fum." Joke

#9154

"Two goldfish are swimming around their bowl discussing some of life's important issues.

One goldfish says to the other, "Do you believe in God?" "Of course, I do!" his pal says. "Who do you think changes the water?" Joke

#9155"My mate is really irritating- instead of facing his problems, he just hides from them.

His name is Wally." Joke

#9156

"What do you call a Scottish coat hanger attendant? Angus Mecoatup." Joke

#9157

"I've just started my own online business. I steal washing!" Joke

#9158

"Intelligence agencies have learnt of a possible attack on the tiddlywinks world championships. Counter terrorist police have been put on stand by." Joke

#9159

"A guy came up to me after a stand up gig I did. He said, "Hey you stole my Joke."

I said, "No I didn't..." He said, "Yes you did, you stole my Joke"

I said "Search me." He did, and he found it. I guess the Joke was on me." Joke

#9160

The cream I just had with my coffee wasn't as 'brill' as the tub said. Joke

#9161

"I went into a butchers today and said, "Is that a sheep's head in the window?"

He said, "No, it's a mirror." Joke

#9162

"Hey, do you want to hear a funny Joke about cloakroom attendants?"

"No!"

"I'll get your coat.." Joke

#9163

"What's invisible and smells like worms? Bird farts." Joke

#9164

"My 13 year old son decided to get his lip pierced without my permission today.

He went behind my back while I was casting my pole." Joke

#9165

"I just opened an engineering workshop in Texas. I can't believe my luck in discovering oil on my first day. My machines have never ran so smooth." Jok

#9166

"I just made myself a cup of tea. It's not everybody's cup of tea." Joke

#9167

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink while he waits for the punchline. Joke

#9168

"Do you ever get that Sunday night feeling? The feeling of dread and hatred towards everything and anything? I believe the medical term is 'hungover'..." Joke

#9169

"What did the talking hat say to the scarf? "You can hang around. I'll just go on ahead." Joke

#9170

"Quit my job as a Glazier the other day. A customer told me I make a better door than a window." Joke

#9171

My mate just gave me a humbug , it was a bitter sweet to swallow. Joke

#9172

"some dwarf started on me in the pub earlier for absoloutly no reason at all.

so I squared up to him to show I was the bigger man." Joke

#9173

a man walks into a bar and wonders "how many times do I do this each day?" Joke

#9174

"A man walks into a bar which he has never been to, sits down, and orders a drink.

As he sits there, a man stands up and says out loud "25!" and the entire bar starts laughing like crazy. He stared confused at everyone, but remained silent. He heard another shout,

"One-hundred and fifty six!" and the entire bar shakes with laughter.

After the laughter settled down, the man thought he should contribute. He stood up, and said out loud "Two-hundred and five!". The bar was quiet, everyone staring at this newcomer. Clearly thinking deeply. Then, after several seconds, they all burst out laughing - there were people falling on the floor and people bent over from laughter.

The man turns to the bartender and asked what just happened and why the long silence at first.

"Well, everyone in this bar has been regular customers for years now. So they all know all the Jokes, so instead of telling out the entire Joke, they just say the number related to that Joke. Makes it much easier for everyone, y'see" he explained. "And yours was a brand new Joke! Took them a while to understand, though"." Joke

#9175

"I'm an optimist. I hope." Joke

#9176

"I started dating this disabled girl, both for her personality... And the fact that she can't run away." Joke

#9177

"I have a feeling that the Mullet is making a comeback... Even after 3 shaves." Joke

#9178

"A horse walks into a bar and asks, "Why the long face?" "What?" asks the confused barman." Joke

#9179

"As my mother in law sat beside my wife's hospital bed, she sobbed at the high pitched, continuous tone which filled the room. You should have seen her face when Michael Winslow appeared from the cupboard!" Joke

#9180

"Just saw a chicken cross the road. Couldn't help but think, why?" Joke

#9181

I guess its ok to leave baby in the corner now. Joke

#9182

"My girlfriend complained today that I had a one-track mind.

She interrupted my train of thought." Joke

#9183

"Whats Grey And would look Funny on the Wigan Warrior's team Bus? Terry Newton." Joke

#9184

"Following success of SAW VI we bring you NATURAL CAUSES, THE MOVIE" Joke

#9185

"I got some blinds for my Living room window yesterday. People must be walking past my house thinking, "Them disabled people have just stood there all day"." Joke

#9186

The arkward moment in 2013 when every girl is pregnant... Joke

#9187

"I was telling my colleagues a hilarious story about the time me and my friends got locked in a room full of laughing gas. When I finished it was met with an awkward silence. You probably had to be there." Joke

#9188

I get a lot of stick for collecting bits of tree. Joke

#9189

"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to your house. Knock Knock

Who's there? The Chicken." Joke

#9190

"I've just seen a pair of hippies mid-protest, proper Green activist, all about saving the planet they were. I feel they may be taking a little too far though though, when they had to decide who would leave their post to go and fetch some water. They played Rock, Scissors, Recycled paper." Joke

#9191

"I love treating myself after doing something good.

Having a burger after going for a run, going for a pint after staying in all week...

Pushing my elderly mother down the stairs after a day out helping the disabled." Joke

#9192

John, Tom and Jess were on a plane flying across the Pacific Ocean. The plane ran into turbulence and crashed into the sea, leaving them as the only survivors. They were eventually washed up on a tropical island and, after a few months or so, they had an effective food system and water system etc etc... Joke

#9193

I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 10:00 p.m. tonight. Joke

#9194

"Was anyone else hoping she would just kick him in there and then? Or That they had a sniper at the ready?" Joke

#9195

"My teacher called me a quitter today. I nearly dropped my English lessons." Joke

#9196

"I saw a Policeman at the ATM before, he was there for a while. He never did get a statement though." Joke

#9197

"The lights went out in our house last night. The wife said it was the fuse box and I needed to go fix it. She never does anything! I swear I have absolutely no power." Joke

#9198

"Stood next to a barrel of petrol earlier wondering what would happen was I to drop a match into it. Then I was enlightened" Joke

#9199

"It seems like perpendicular lines find love the easiest. They're always just right for each other." Joke

#9200

Suffered third degree burns at work today. Saw some flames in the corridor so i opened up the fire exit. How was I to know fire exit wasn't a literal meaning. Joke

#9201

Had to break up with my blind girlfriend, couldn't stand her wandering eyes. Joke

#9202

How many warranty forms does it take to change a lightbulb? Joke

#9203

I just sold the movie rights to my life story. It's not easy being a nocturnal alcholic but I can wait to see "Night Cider". Joke

#9204

"Some people think my legs look funny. I should hope so, I do stand-up." Joke

#9205

"I used to be lazy, but that all changed when I stepped in a pool of glue I've been working my socks off ever since." Joke

#9206

"I was sat next to this miserable, unhappy looking bloke on the bus when he said, "One ring to rule them all." "Is that from Lord of the Rings?" I interrupted. "No," he replied "it's a general consensus of women's domination as a result of marriage." Joke

#9207

"I hit an elderly lady with a tennis ball earlier. I warned her what would happen if she kept refusing to give it back." Joke

#9208

Just had a Job interview with G4S. It went rather well! They said I should hear back in September Joke

#9209

"I need to go and buy myself a new pair of trousers.

These ones are on their last legs." Joke

#9210

"A German walks into a Library and asks for a book on war.

The librarian replies, "No mate, you'll lose it." Library

#9211

"A American goes into a Library and says, "I..."

The librarian interrupts and says, "Sorry, the McDonald's is round the corner." Library

#9212

"A man goes into a Library and doesn't ask for a book. Instead he uses his own eyes and common sense. This places no burden on the librarian, who subsequently has no need to say anything." Library

#9213

"A man goes into a Library and asks for a book on cliffhangers. The librarian says;" Library

#9214

"Ashley Cole goes into a Library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says "here, keep it keep it..." Library

#9215

"Man goes into a Library and asks for a book about French War Heroes.

The librarian tells him to try the fiction section." Library

#9216

A librarian commits suicide, thus creating a paradox. Library

#9217

An Italian walked over a Library. Library

#9218

A man walks into Library & asks if they have any books on coincidences. The librarian says, "As a matter of fact, this one's just arrived." Library

#9219

I went to my local Library yesterday, and asked: "Have you got a book on handling rejection without killing?" Library

#9220

"A midget waddles into the Library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?"

The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf." Library

#9221

I just found out we have a local Library. They kept that quiet. Library

#9222

Is it just me or is the Library that everyone seems to be going to have an unnecessarily rude librarian working there. Library

#9223

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on suffocation.

The librarian says, "Would you like a bag with that?" Library

#9224

"A man walks into a Library and says, "Have you got the book, 'How To Suck Yourself Off'?"

The librarian says, "It's over there; the one with the broken spine." Library

#9225

So, David Carradine managed to persuade that librarian then... Library

#9226

I wanted to do some DIY the other day, so I went to the Library and asked the librarian if she had any books on shelves. Library

#9227

"Librarian walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"

Librarian says, "The site's back up." Library

#9228

"If Clarence takes 2 books out of one Library and 3 books out of another, what does he have?

No friends." Library

#9229

A librarian knocked on my door and asked to borrow a book on Irony. Library

#9230

"A woman walks into a Library and asks for a book on childbirth. The Librarian says "try over there in the C section"." Library

#9231

Stevie Wonder walks into a Library and says "Honey, I'm home!" Library

#9232

"So, I was working in a Library and this bloke comes up to me and says, "Do you have a bookmark?" I said, "Yes, we have hundreds...but my name's Dave" Library

#9233

"I've just written a book on suicide. If this site is anything to go by, it'll be a best seller." Library

#9234

Gerry and Kate McCann walk into a Library - not like them to bring something back... Library

#9235

"I went to the Library today and asked the Librarian, "Do you have any books on naked children?" She replied, "No, sorry, our books are all on shelves." Library

#9236

"A man goes into a Library and asks for a book on chlamydia.

The librarian says, "You're girlfriend already has it, she said that she gave it to you!" Library

#9237"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on tides.

The librarian says, "I'm sorry sir, that's just gone out." Library

#9238

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on pantomimes. The librarian says; "It's behind you!" Library

#9239

"A Jewish midget walks into a Library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian replies; Well thats a little unorthodox." Library

#9240

"A man walks into a Library and says, "I..." The librarian interrupts "in the duplicate section" Library

#9241

"Man goes into a Library and asks for a book on 'Probability'. Librarian says, "It might be on that shelf over there"." Library

#9242

Sepp Blatter walks in to a bribary Library

#9243

"A librarian was shocked when a young girl, who looked no more than nine-years old, tried to borrow a book called "Advice for young Mothers." "Surely, dear, you can't be pregnant?"

"What are you on about? I just collect moths." Library

#9244

"A man goes into a Library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "Okay."

"Really?" asks the man. "Usually you're much m..."

"APRIL FOOLS!" Library

#9245

"A man goes into a Library and asks for a book on pick-up lines.

The librarian replies, "It's in my house, if you want to come over and collect it." Library

#9246

"A drunk walks into a Library and says, "Can I have fish and chips, please?"

The woman says, "Sir, this is a Library!"

The drunk stammers, "Oh, sorry!" He pauses, then whispers, "Can I have fish and chips, please?" Library

#9247

"A Sickipedian walks into a Library. The librarian says "Crack a Joke and I'll stab you!" Library

#9248

Is the Bridgend Library the only one that does actually lend books on suicide? Library

#9249

"A German student walks into a Library. Everyone takes cover." Library

#9250

"Whistle while you work" In hindsight, this is probably not the best of ways to hold down a job at the Library." Library

#9251

A bloke asked the librarian why Tales of Robin Hood had been withdrawn from the collection. The librarian replied, "Too much Saxon violence." Library

#9252

"Memo Books on suicide are currently unavailable at this time, sorry for any inconvenience.

Thanks, Bridgend Public Library" Library

#9253

"A man goes to the Library. .but it was closed due to government spending cuts." Library

#9254

"An American goes to the Library. Yeah right, Americans can't read." Library

#9255

"A man goes into a Library and asks, "Have you got The Grapes Of Wrath?"

The librarian says, "No, I always walk like this." Library

#9256

A bloke walks into a Library and asks for a book on braille and the man behind the counter says "This is a chemist mate". Library

#9257

I've burnt my Library card as a silent protest. Library

#9258

I walked into a Library yesterday and asked for a book on suicide to see what would happen. And what did I get? Six months of therapy three times a week. Thanks for the bright idea guys. Library

#9259

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on sarcasm.

The librarian says; "Yeah, 'cause you're gonna bring it back, aren't you?" Library

#9260

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on pessimism.

The librarian says; "Certainly, sir. There's a shelf over there, half full of them."

"It looks half empty to me," he replied." Library

#9261

"A man goes into a Library and asks for a book with a surprise ending.

The librarian gives it to him." Library

#9262

"A Polish man walks into a Library and asks for a job." Library

#9263

"I was in the Library when my mate sent me the funniest Joke by text.

So I replied, 'los'" Library

#9264

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book.

He encounters no problems from the librarian and takes the book home...Carlsberg don't do sickipedia Library Jokes" Library

#9265

"A blind man walks into a Library and says, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, but it's not a very interesting subject." Library

#9266

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on curiosity.

The librarian asks, "What do you want to read that for?" Library

#9267

"Some things you need to get certain jobs:

Policeman : No criminal record and a good heart

Fireman : A good heart and little fear

Surgeon : A steady hand

Teacher : Like working with children

Shopowner : Friendly and hardworking

Librarian : Tourettes Syndrome" Library

#9268

"A child walks into a Library and gets killed.

It was a mobile Library travelling at 40mph." Library

#9269

"What do you call a girl in a Library? Paige Turner." Library

#9270

"A stormtrooper walks into a Library and asks for a book on droids.

The Librobiwan says; "That isn't the book you're looking for." Library

#9271

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on confusing endings.

But she did." Library

#9272

A Librarian walks into a bar and asks for a book on Irony. Library

#9273

Sickipedians these days live in a strange world with only one librarian, and an irate one at that. Library

#9274

"A man goes into a Library and asks if they have any books on pessimism.

The librarian says; "I doubt it." Library

#9275

"I went to a Library today and asked for a book about Funk Music that was on a high shelf but then decided I didn't really want it. The librarian had to step right on up, brought it right on down but had to take it right on back up to the top." Library

#9276

"A woman walks into a Library That's a new one." Library

#9277

"A Sickipedian walks into a Library and asks if there are any books on original Joke telling,

"Yes" the librarian responds, "But they've never been taken out before." Library

#9278

"An American takes his books back to the Library. "You were late." says the librarian.

"No, they were due back today." Protests the American.

"I was talking about World War One and Two." Library

#9279

Is it just me who feels sickipedia should add a "Library" category? Library

#9280

"Bloke walks into a Library. "How's business", he asks.

"You wouldn't believe it", says the librarian" Library

#9281

"Ricky Ponting walks into a Library. And the librarian says,"Looking for a book on suicide, aren't you ?" Library

#9282

"A man walks into a Library and says, "Have you got a book on card tricks?"

The librarian says, "Yes, pick one of these books, any book, look at it, then put it back in the pile." Library

#9283

"A man walks into a Library and says:

'Excuse me......' To which the Librarian answers, 'A book on mind reading and telling the future? I can recommend this one here.'" Library

#9284

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on rude insults.

The librarian says 'I'm sorry, I left it at your mother's house'." Library

#9285

"Alexander McQueen goes to the Library and asks for a book on suicide.

Must have been a good book." Library

#9286

An American sits at home stuffing cheeseburgers and watching TV, wondering what a Library looks like. Library

#9287

An American drives past a Library. Library

#9288

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on Bin Laden

The librarian replies "Sorry, it's already been taken out" Library

#9289

"I've been trying to hire a librarian. But they're all fully booked." Library

#9290

Man walks into a Library & asks if they have any books on probabilities. The librarian says, "Most unlikely." Library

#9291

"My wife likes to tease me a bit by always asking "Is it in yet"

I wish she would stop ordering obscure books from the Library where I work." Library

#9292

"I was going to go to the Library and ask for a book about 21st century technology and its impact on society. Then I realised the Library had been shut down due to lack of interest, so I Googled it instead." Library

#9293

Man goes in Library & asks if they have any books on boomerangs. The librarian says, "You're in luck! This one's just come back." Library

#9294

"A paki goes into a Library and asks the librarian if they have a book about making people happy . The librarian replies "Yes, try this book on suicide." Library

#9295

"A man went to a Library and asked if there were any books on marriage.

The librarian replies, "Yeah, it's just up the aisle." Library

#9296

"Man walks into a Library and asks for a book on ice-cream.

Librarian says, "Which one? We've got hundreds and thousands." Library

#9297

"Went into the Library today and asked the women if they had any books on diagnosing testicular cancer. "Let me have a look for you" That's what I call good service" Library

#9298

A man walks into a Library and asks "do you have any books with an abrupt ending?" Library

#9299

"I went into the Library and asked for a book about leprechauns, horse shoes, and rabbit feet.

"you're in luck" replied the librarian" Library

#9300

"Man goes into a Library and asks for a book on Jade Goody's tragic death.

Librarian says; "We're eagerly awaiting the arrival of that"." Library

#9301

my friend was on eBay looking for a book on suicide, you just can't get them anywere anymore Library

#9302

"A man walks into a Library and asks the librarian for a book on Paedophilia.

The librarian says; "Just have this boy - he asked me for a book on memory loss and he said he can't find his dad." Library

#9303

"I really need to do something about my pimple problems.

I fell asleep at the Library the other day and woke up only to find a blind guy reading my face." Library

#9304

"I need to borrow a book on 'How to milk something'... Anyone got any ideas?

Try your local Library, I know a man who did!" Library

#9305

"I was in a newsagents, reading a magazine when the shopkeeper came up to me and said "This is not a Library". So I said, "Alright, I will talk louder then"." Library

#9306

"I walked into a Library earlier and asked for a book on interrogation...

The librarian replies, 'Yes, but why would you want that?'" Library

#9307

"A man walked into a Library and asks if they have maps.

The toilet attendant then directed him to the front desk." Library

#9308

"I went to the Library and asked the librarian if she had any books on Hitler.

Sehe said "Yes, in the far-right corner." Library

#9309

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on how to be rude to customers.

The librarian says, "Kindly eff off, Sir, I'm only halfway through the first chapter myself." Library

#9310

"Liam Gill's friends walk into a Library and ask for a dictionary.

The librarian replies ''fuuk of, youse wownt bryng it bakk''" Library

#9311

"My old Dad always used to say to me, never a lender or a borrower be,

which was a bit odd as he was a librarian." Library

#9312

"Kate Middleton walks into a Library and asks " I need a book on how to keep a happy marriage." The librarien replies " Yeah its just through the back door." Library

#9313

"A woman went into a Library looking for a book on weddings.

The librarian says, it`s just up that aisle." Library

#9314

"A man goes into a Library and asks if they have a book on famous black criminals.

The librarian says, "Certainly sir, we don't have them all, but keep a small selection in aisles three to sixty four"." Library

#9315

"I went into the Library and asked "have you any books on Maddie McCann?"

The librarian said "yes, they're just over by the window. Just take one" Library

#9316

Rob Green walks into a Library and asks for a book on goalkeeping. The Librarian says, "Ooh, now I was holding that a second ago." Library

#9317

An original idea. That can't be too hard. The Library must be full of them. Library

#9318

"A woman walks into a Library and asks for a book on euphemisms.

So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it." Library

#9319

Stephen Hawking walks into a Library. Library

#9320

An American walks into a Library. Library

#9321

"A Sickipedian goes into a Library and asks for a book on original Jokes.

The Librarian says, "Sorry, i don't think that exists but here's a book about war/suicide/Madeleine McCann/Stupid Americans/Fat Americans/Gingers/Women" Library

#9322

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on fire.

Oh what a pity replies the librarian, its just gone out." Library

#9323

"A man once said to me, "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a Library." I thought, "That'll be a turn-up for the books." Library

#9324

"A man walks into a Library and asks the librarian, "Do you have any books on the G spot?".

After an extensive search the librarian returns, " Cant find it."

Man : " Thats the one!" Library

#9325

A man walks into a bar and asks for a book on how to tell Jokes properly Library

#9326

"A Man walks into a Library and asks for a book on 'diarrhea'

The Librarian says: " Yes but half the pages are missing" Library

#9327

"They just opened a new African-American Library in my neighborhood. It's truly amazing.

Largest collection of coloring books I've ever seen." Library

#9328

A Jew walked into a Library to borrow a book, but couldn't find anything that generated enough interest. Library

#9329

A bloke goes into a Library & asks if they have any books on inconclusive answers. The librarian says, "Maybe" Library

#9330

"I went to the Library to borrow a book on tortoises.

The librarian said, "Hardback?"

"Well of course ... but do have you any books on them?" Library

#9331

"I went to the Library and asked for a book on rohypnol.

That's the last thing I remember." Library

#9332

"BBC News - Library closure threats spark campaigns across England"

So no longer will a man be able to walk into a Library and ask for a book on suicide..." Library

#9333

"A man walks into a Library and after a few minutes says to the Librarian he can't find any books on Palestine.

The Librarian replies, " That shelf is currently occupied" Library

#9334

"Man walks into a Library and asks for a book on the Australian wilderness.

Librarian "I'll get it for you, its Outback" Library

#9335

"A guy walks into a Library and asks for a book about lying.

The librarian says "I'm sorry we don't have any books like that." Library

#9336

The British Library acquires 3 million new books each year, but they like to keep it quiet. Library

#9337

"I've penned a few great novels in my time. For which the Library fined me heavily." Library

#9338

"A German walks into a French Library and asks, "Can I borrow a book please?"

The librarian replies, "Yes, just take the book and leave us alone. We want no trouble." Library

#9339

"I'm a librarian with tourettes syndrome.

My life's a Joke." Library

#9340

"Kevin McGee goes into a Library. 'Don't even bother asking,' says the librarian." Library

#9341

A man crossed the road towards a Library but luckily got run over by a bandwagon. Library

#9342

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on surgery. The librarian says, "be careful when you open it, there's damage to the spine." Library

#9343

"Terry Pratchett walks into a Library and says " two for the circle and a pound of nuttalls mintoes please" The librarian says "OOK" Library

#9344

"I went for a CAT scan earlier. I'm now being prosecuted by the RSPCA and banned from the Library for the misuse of their photocopier." Library

#9345

"A man walks into Library, "Do you have a book on schizophrenia?"

"We only have one, but they are both out at the moment." Library

#9346

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on invisibility.

The librarian couldn't find it." Library

#9347

"A man goes into a Library and asks for a book on Native American homesteads.

Librarian says, "We don't have it at the moment, I'll put it on reservation"." Library

#9348

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on declining standards in modern day Britain.

From behind his Daily Sport, the librarian mumbles "Get it yourself." Library

#9349

"A man walks into a Library and says, "I want a book about delusion."

The librarian says, "No, you just THINK you do." Library

#9350

A man goes into a Library and says, "Excuse me, have you got a book on how to get noticed?" Library

#9351

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on cloning. The librarian says "Sure we have hundreds of copies"." Library

#9352

"Went to the Library today and asked have you got any books on mysterious disappearances?

The librarian said " Well, they used to be over there......" Library

#9353

"A Scouser goes into a Library and ask for a book about suicide.

The librarian says: "Sod it, I wish I hadn't recommended it to that ginger now." Library

#9354

"A man goes in to a Library and asks for a book on slavery.

The librarian says, "Ok, I really hope you bring it back!" Library

#9355

"a Muslim walks into a Library and asks for a book on suicide bombing.

Librarian says '' This one will blow you away''" Library

#9356

Man walks into Library & asks if they have any books on bukkake. The librarian replies, "A lot of people come for that." Library

#9357

Statistically, 9 out of 10 librarians hung themselves when they heard Sickipedia was back up. Library

#9358

"A man walks into a Library and says 'have you got a book on Christopher Reeves?'

The librarian replies 'Yeah. It's that dusty old book over there with the broken spine.'" Library

#9359

Man goes into Library & asks if they have any books on numbers. The librarian says, "One or two" Library

#9360

"I just went to the Library in my Town and asked for a book on Library Jokes...

Suprisingly they have all been borrowed." Library

#9361

"A man walked into a Library and asked for 33 books on Mine Rescue.

The librarian asked him, "Are you sure you want them all out?"." Library

#9362

David Cameron walks into a libary and askes for a book on Irony, the librarian says: 'sorry, we are not a libary we are a barbershop now, because you closed all the libaries'. Library

#9363

"Man asks Librarian for a book on OCD. Librarian says '' Gimme a minute and fifty two seconds''" Library

#9364

"A girl came into the Library and asked for the new 'Twilight' book,

I nearly threw a good book at her, but I didn't want to catch'er in the eye."Library

#9365

"A man asks a librarian for a book on patience. The librarian says,''It's not in yet.''

So the man says,''I'll wait.''" Library

#9366

"I have a dream. A dream that one day, man may once again be able to enter the Library without fear of rejection." Library

#9367

A librarian walks into a Library and says "Excuse me, do you have a book on role reversal?" Library

#9368

"Man walks into a Library and says "Hi im looking for a book on how to stop people interu..."

Librarian "Its over there" Library

#9369

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on Liverpool FC 'You want the History section' replies the Librarian." Library

#9370

"A man walks into a Library and asks if they have a book on Mafia hit men.

The librarian says, "We do. Would you like to take it out?" Library

#9371

"A man walks into a Library, which is a quite an achievement considering the government closures." Library

#9372

"A man goes into a Library and asks for something new. The clerk points him towards the novel section." Library

#9373

"I walked into a Library and asked for a book on suicide.

The librarian told me, "Unfortunately, these books have become subject to censorship and are now banned by law." Library

#9374

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on suicide. Unfortunately the Library was all out, so the librarian just offered him Twilight." Library

#9375

A man walks into a Library and asks the computer self service machine for a book on human interaction. Library

#9376

"I asked the librarian to direct me to the spy thriller section. It was all very hush-hush." Library

#9377

Is it just me, or does the Library have an unnecessarily rude librarian working there? Library

#9378

black man walks into a Library and asks for a book on crime.. librarian returns with a book on Irony.. Library

#9379

"A man walks into a Library and says to the Librarian, "I want a book about Truths please"

"We don't have that book in at the moment, but we do have this one, it's a book about lies and it's just as good" He bought it" Library

#9380

If Tzameti went into a Library and asked for a book on suicide, would he come to a book end? Library

#9381

"A man comes home to find his blonde wife holding a gun to her head. The man screams "Honey, don't do it, I love you" The woman says "Shut up or you're next!" Library

#9382

A man walks into a Library, confidently walks past the librarian to go borrow the actual book he wants as the various subjects are always clearly stated on the shelves. Library

#9383

A man walks into a Library and asks for a book about wrestling. The librarian says "I'm very sorry sir but someone has that on hold" Library

#9384

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on the Libyan Air Force.

And the Librarian says: " Over there, Sir, In the Tanks section" Library

#9385

"A man walks into a Library. Not in our town he doesn't." Library

#9386

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on inverted nipples.

The librarian says; 'Follow me, and I'll pick one out for you.'" Library

#9387

I was in a Library in Dublin the other day and I asked the Librarian if they had Internet access and she replied "Who wrote it?" Library

#9388

"My work as a bookkeeper is becoming more difficult. Every Library in the area has a photo of me." Library

#9389

"A man goes into the Library and asks if they have any books on gullibility. The librarian says sure but there's a fifty quid deposit on them." Library

#9390

"Went to the Library and asked the librarian "Excuse me, do you have any books on alternative child birth techniques?" "Have you tried the C-Section?" she replied." Library

#9391

"A man was arrested for breaking into a Library. They threw the book at him." Library

#9392

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on Hitler. 'It's on the far right' the librarian replies. 'Thank you, I'd also like a book on Marxist theory'

'Furthest left sir'

'and Nick Clegg?'

'Sorry sir, I don't know where that one is'" Library

#9393

"I man goes into a Korean Library and asks for a book on Dogs The Librarian replies: "It's over there, in the cookery section"." Library

#9394

"Little Johnny was in his maths lesson one day when his teacher asked him a question to see if he was paying attention. "If I gave you 20," she began, "and you gave 5 to Mary, 5 to Sally and 5 to Susan, what would you have?" Johnny thought about this and then answered, "An orgy?" Little Johnny

#9395

"Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' Johnny: I is..

Teacher: No, that's not correct Johnny. You should always say, 'I am.'

Johnny: Okay, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'" Little Johnny

#9396

"The teacher asked Little Johnny if he knew his numbers yet.

"Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me."

"Good, Johnny. Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said.

"Three," replied Little Johnny.

"Very good. What comes after five, Johnny?" asked the teacher.

"Six," answered Little Johnny.

"Excellent. Your dad did a very good job.

Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.

"A Jack!" replied Little Johnny." Little Johnny

#9397

"A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone."

Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women.

But one day johhny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked. Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman. his friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran.

Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added, "and it must be true, because when i saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers" Little Johnny

#9398

"Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey, Dad! What are you doing?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning." Little Johnny

#9399

"My teacher said, "If you think about anything long enough, it gets easier."

I said, "I don't know about that Miss. Last night I was thinking about you for a bit and it just got harder." Little Johnny

#9400

"Teaching an English lesson, the teacher wrote on the board, fully aware of the grammar errors:

"I ain't had no fun in months" "Now, how should I correct this sentence."

"Get a new boyfriend," said Little Johnny." Little Johnny

#9401

"Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue." Little Johnny

#9402

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." Little Johnny

#9403

"Little Johnny goes over to little Billy's house and rings the bell.

His mother answers and Johnny asks if Billy can come and play war in the street with his friends.

Billy's mother says to Johnny, "You know Billy doesn't have any arms or legs."

Johnny replies, "I know, but we want to use him as a sandbag." Little Johnny

#9404

"Little Johnny: "What's The difference between theoretically and realistically?"

Dad: "It's hard to explain. I tell you what, ask your mum if she would sleep with the milkman for a million quid and come and tell me what she says."

A couple minutes later,

Little Johnny: "She said, 'yes'."

Dad: "Now ask your sister if she'll sleep with the coal man for 2 million?"

A couple minutes later,

Little Johnny: "She said, 'yes'."

Dad: "That's your answer son. Theoretically we are sitting on 3M, but realistically we are just living with 2 slags." Little Johnny

#9405

"Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mum's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mum lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" Little Johnny

#9406

"Little Johnny is in school and it is near christmas time so the kids are giving presents to the teacher. Little Ross stands up to give his present. The teacher knows his parents are choclatiers. She takes the wrapped present and says, "This is a box of chocolates isn't it?". Ross says, "Yes miss how did you guess?" and she replies, "It was just a random guess Ross thank you."

Little Jenny stands up and the teacher knows her parents work at the local bakery. She takes the present and says, "This is a cake in a tin isn't it?" Jenny says, "Yes miss how did you guess?" and she again replies, "It was just a random guess Jenny thank you."

Little Johnny stands up and gives his present to the teacher. She knows his parents work at the brewery. She sees that the present is leaking so she takes a sip and says, "This is a can of Newcastle Brown Ale isn't it?" Little Johnny shakes his head. She takes another sip. "Right this is a bottle of Red Wine then?" Again, Johnny shakes his head. She eventually gives in and says, "Ok Johnny I give in what is it?"

And through his wide smile Johnny says, "A puppy miss!" Little Johnny

#9407

"Teacher : "Johnny stop copying Lucy. If Lucy jumped off a bridge, would you do it?"

Johnny: "Is that your saying, Miss?" Little Johnny

#9408

"Teacher asks "If I had seven oranges in one hand and 6 in the other, what would I have"

Little Johnny "Big hands" Little Johnny

#9409

"Little Johnny lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and Little Johnny hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and Johnnie determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Little Johnny decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, Little Johnny asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

Little Johnny answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

His dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree." Little Johnny

#9410

"Teacher asks Little Johnny, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Little Johnny replies, "H I J K L M N O."

"What are you talking about?", the teacher replied.

Little Johnny, "Yesterday you said it's H to O." Little Johnny

#9411

Anybody else think that Little Johnny, is going to have quite a remarkable life story? Little Johnny

#9412

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Little Johnny

#9413

"TEACHER: Why are you late?

JOHNNY: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

JOHNNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Slow down" Little Johnny

#9414

"My son kept saying, "Dad, Dad I'm hot, I'm hot. I need an ice cream. Can I get one please?"

He just kept going on and on, so in the end I couldn't take the whinging any more. I gave in and I got him a Magnum.

He used it to rob the ice cream man." Little Johnny

#9415

"Teacher: "Johnny, why have you not given me your homework?"

Little Johnny: "I made it into a paper aeroplane and someone hijacked it." Little Johnny

#9416

Any-one else think you're just pushing your luck if you name your child "Little Johnny"? Little Johnny

#9417

"Little Johnny comes home with wet hair.

"Why is your hair wet, Johnny?" asks his mother

"Me and Bobby were playing doggy," says Johnny.

"That doesn't make your hair wet."

"It does when it's your turn to be the lamp post." Little Johnny

#9418

"Pastor: "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"

Little Johnny: "Sure, back of the church yard." Little Johnny

#9419

Little Johnny returns home from school and says "mum, i got a question right today" the mum says "wonderful, what was the question?" Little Johnny replies "who's farted" Little Johnny

#9420

"Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter.

"I have to make pee pee", wailed Little Johnny.

"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."

"No" insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."

"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother firmly."

"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake." replied Little Johnny." Little Johnny

#9421

"Little Johnny is staying with Grandma and Grandpa for the weekend. When his mum comes to pick him up, she asks him how it was.

"Boring!" says Johnny

"Why?"

"Gran and Grandad sat around on the sofa with nothing on!"

"Whaaaat?"

"Yeah, nothing on... no telly, no computer, no stereo, no radio..." Little Johnny

#9422

"Little Johnny turns to his mum an says:

"When you found out you were pregnant what did you want me to be?"

"Stillborn" Little Johnny

#9423

Little Johnny's mother taught him to say 'whisper' whenever he had to 'tinkle.' One day Little Johnny's grandpa paid them a visit. He was lying on the couch taking a nap when Little Johnny came up to him and said, "Grandpa, I have to whisper." Without opening his eyes, his grandpa said, "Whisper in my ear, son." When Little Johnny's mom heard a yell that carried for several blocks, she came running. "What's the matter?" she cried. Then, seeing Little Johnny she asked, "Did Little Johnny have to whisper?" "Yes!" the old man shouted, "Thank God he didn't have to shout!" Little Johnny

#9424

"So Little Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"I'm gonna follow my dads footsteps & be a policeman"

"Ohhhh, is your dad a policeman then?"

"No, he's a bank robber" Little Johnny

#9425

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his Mom, "of course not."Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!" Little Johnny

#9426

"During Sunday dinner, Little Johnny wants to say something to his Dad, but his Dad raises a warning finger:

"Be quiet. I am talking to the grown-ups. Speak when you are spoken to."

When the conversation is over, Little Johnny is allowed to speak:

"Doesn't matter now, Dad," he says. "You've already eaten the slug that was on your salad." Little Johnny

#9427

Who on earth are all these people calling their children 'Little Johnny'!? Little Johnny

#9428

"Little Johnny was asked by his teacher what book he would read if he was abandoned on a deserted island. He thought for a moment and then replied, "Boat Building." Little Johnny

#9429

"I'm getting a bit sick of all these "Little Johnny" Jokes I keep getting told.

I dont even want to wear one in the first place." Little Johnny

#9430

"When Little Johnny got home from playing football, his mum asked "how was the match?"

He replied "The winning goal was thanks to me."

"Terrific!" she said.

"Not really," he sighed. "I let it in." Little Johnny

#9431

"On the first day of term teacher was doing registration. Half way through little Jonny walks in.

"Sorry I'm late miss, I've been up Primrose Hill"

She carries on with registration when little Jimmy walks in.

"Sorry I'm late miss, I've been up Primrose Hill"

She carries on with registration when a new girl walks in late.

Teacher says "Don't tell me, you've been up Primrose Hill"

"No miss, I am Primrose Hill" Little Johnny

#9432

"Little Johnny said to his teacher, "I don't think I deserve a zero on this test."

The teacher replied, "Neither do I, but it's the lowest mark I can give you." Little Johnny

#9433

"Little Johnny was helping his father to rake up some leaves.

His father started to tell him how it was the fairies that had turned the leaves brown.

Little Johnny looked puzzled for a moment and asked his father if he had ever heard of photosynthesis." Little Johnny

#9434

"Little Johnny is at the zoo with his dad and seems to be having a great time, but when they get to the lion's cage, his face turns pale and he looks terrified.

"What's up, Johnny?"

"I was just wondering, Dad," says Johnny. "If the lion escapes from its cage and eats you ... what bus do I take to get home?" Little Johnny

#9435

"Little Johnny is sent to the store to buy nuts by his mum. On his way, he comes across a circus, the main attraction of which was a life-sized robot of King Kong. Little Johnny, obviously, forgets all about the errand and heads into the circus. He sees the robot, and immediately rushes back home to tell his mother about it.

"Mummmy, mummy!" he yells, "They have a life-sized robot of King Kong at the circus! He's HUGE, mum! His arms, HUGE, mum, HUGE! His legs, HUGE, mum, HUGE! His head, HUGE, mum, HUGE!"

To which his mother replies, "Yes, that's nice, but what about the nuts?"

"HUGE, mum, HUGE!" Little Johnny

#9436

"The teacher asked Little Johnny, "Name ten animals from Africa."

He said, "Nine elephants and a giraffe." Little Johnny

#9437

"Little Johnny comes to school with a bruised cheek.
"Why is your right cheek so red?" asks the teacher.

"Because daddy's left-handed." Little Johnny

#9438

"A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed.

"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."

"Why?" he asked.

"'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.

"I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me."

Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.

"You're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting feathers too."

"Well, I'd better have a look," she said.

After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and giblets too." Little Johnny

#9439

"Little Johnny came into the bathroom while his mother was taking a shower. He asked, "Mum,

what's that between your legs?" She told him that was her squirrel.

Later that day he was in the bathroom again while Gran was taking a shower and he asked, "Gran, what's that between your legs?"

She replied, "That's my squirrel."

Then Little Johnny said, "Mommy has one too, but hers is not as gray as yours."

Grandma replied, "That's because your mum's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has!" Little Johnny

#9440

"I treat my women how I treat my condoms; I eventually break them and put them in the bin." Little Johnny

#9441

"The teacher asked Little Johnny to spell "straight".

Little Johnny did so without any errors.

"Well done and what is the meaning of 'straight'?" said the teacher.

Little Johnny quickly replied, "Without water in it." Little Johnny

#9442

"One day, Little Johnny asks his mother "Why are some of your hairs white?"

She replies "Every time you do something that upsets me, one of my strands of hair goes white."

He nods, then asks "Grandma is your mother, isn't she?"

"That's right."

He thinks for a moment, then asks "So how come ALL of her hair is white?" Little Johnny

#9443

"Open up, It's social services. We are hear to talk about your son Johnny" Little Johnny

#9444

"Little Johnny climbs the ladder up to the attic for the first time. When he puts the light on, he sees the playpen he was placed in when he was a toddler. Excited, he rushes downstairs to the kitchen:

"Mummy! We're getting a new baby!"

"What on earth makes you think that, Johnny?" says his mother.

"I've just been in the attic and Daddy's already set the trap." Little Johnny

#9445

"No more Little Johnny Jokes.

He grew up and died a long time ago." Little Johnny

#9446

"You should never kiss animals," warns the teacher. "Does anyone know why that is?"

"Because of the nasty diseases!" says Little Johnny. "My Gran always used to kiss her parrot and now it's dead." Little Johnny

#9447

Little Mary told her mother that dumb Little Johnny had paid her a dollar just to see her climb a telephone pole. Mother said" why Mary he only did that so he could look up your dress and see your panties". Little Mary replied "I know but I sure fooled him. I wasn't wearing any panties!" Little Johnny

#9448

"Little Johnny's father glared at the school report and asked "Why did you fail maths?"

"On Monday, the teacher said six fours make twenty-four. Then on Tuesday, she said twelve twos make twenty-four. And on Wednesday, she said three eights make twenty-four."

"Right," said his father. "So?"

"If she can't make up her mind, how am I ever going to get anything right?" Little Johnny

#9449

"Little Johnny asks his mum, "Can I cross the road when the red man is on?"

"Of course you can, Johnny," says his mum, "but you have to hold your hands up in the air."

"Why's that?" says Johnny.

"It's easier for them to get your pullover off when you're in hospital." Little Johnny

#9450

"One day Little Johnny goes up to his mother and says, "Is it true babies come from storks?"

"Why yes," says the mom. "Do storks ever have abortions?" he asks.

Johnny's mother stops and laughs and then says, "Yes, but only the poor black ones." Little Johnny

#9451

"Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "What did you learn today?" He replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow." Little Johnny

#9452

"Little Johnny boasted he could make any woman wet just by wiggling his index finger at her!

"prove it" I said So he pulled out his water pistol..." Little Johnny

#9453

"I won a tidy sum on the Lottery and gave my Homeless brother a new home.

It was the box from my new 65" TV." Lottery

#9454

"I won the Lottery last night. I haven't told the wife yet, I can't use my phone on the plane." Lottery

#9455

"Can you believe it? This guy wins 181m Lottery on Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just two days later. Talk about luck!" Lottery

#9456

"What's better than winning the Lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through." Lottery

#9457

"Imagine winning 161 million in the Lottery, you could buy anything you ever wanted.

Except a neck." Lottery

#9458

"My mate said, "If I won 161 million on the Lottery, I'd buy Greece for a laugh."

I said, "What would you spend the other 160 million on?" Lottery

#9459

"My mate asked me, "What's the first thing you would do if you won the Lottery?"

I replied, "Collect the winnings." Lottery

#9460

"My son asked me if I would buy him a new bike. I said: "Son, if you really want something in life you have to work for it." Then I told him to be quiet because they were just about to announce the Lottery numbers" Lottery

#9461

"They say there's more chance of dying on the way to place the Lottery than actually winning.

That's why I always send my wife. Win-Win." Lottery

#9462

For the first time in ten years I didn't manage to make it to the newsagent to put my Lottery numbers on yesterday, and would you believe it... saved myself a quid. Lottery

#9463

"I recorded last week's Lottery and, knowing the result, bought my wife a ticket for Wednesday's draw. When she thinks she's won she'll have a heart-attack. That'll get her back for burning my toast." Lottery

#9464

"So a Scottish couple have won 161 million on the Euromillions... Unlucky Greece, better luck next month" Lottery

#9465

"My wife told me if she ever won the Lottery she wouldn't give me a penny and she'd move out of the country. Little does she know I've been using the same numbers as her for 5 years.

That'll wipe the smile off her fat face" Lottery

#9466

"The Euromillions winner has not come forward yet. No surprise there; I'd still be telling my boss what I think of him." Lottery

#9467

"I don't think I'm ever going to win the Lottery. I can't even pick the pen that works from a choice of two at the Lottery stand." Lottery

#9468

"BBC NEWS - Colin & Chris Weir - 161 MILLION POUNDS!"

They also won the Lottery you know?" Lottery

#9469

"We don't want to hire unlucky people!" said the interviewer and randomly discarded half of the applications. Lottery

#9470

"After winning the Lottery I thought, the first thing I'm going to do is fill my car with fuel.

Then that dream was shattered as they announced that there had been two lucky jackpot winners." Lottery

#9471"If I ever win the Lottery, all of my neighbors are going to be so rich!

I'm going to move to a rich neighborhood." Lottery

#9472

In Nigeria, how do you know if you've really won the Lottery? Lottery

#9473

I just heard the incredible news that the joint winners of the Euro millions jackpot are BT workers in Liverpool. I could hardly believe it,. people in Liverpool with jobs!! Lottery

#9474

"Ever played the Eskimo Lottery? You have to be Inuit to win it." Lottery

#9475

"A national newspaper has reported that the couple who won the Euro millions jackpot have been forced to flee their home and are now "...on the run."

I would suggest that "...on the waddle..." might be more accurate." Lottery

#9476

"My wife said, "I don't know what I'd say if you ever won the Lottery."

I said, "Oh, there's three little words that spring to mind."

She said, "I love you?" I said, "No... where's he gone?" Lottery

#9477

Whenever I see a girl put her newly bought Lottery ticket down her bra for safe keeping, I feel the urge to go for a lucky dip. Lottery

#9478

I use to buy Lottery tickets every week, until I found out I could watch it for free on TV. Lottery

#9479

"I'm retiring early. I've opened a pie shop next door to the new Euro Millions Lottery winners." Lottery

#9480

Thats the last time I tell Derren Brown a secret. Lottery

#9481

"Having not long seen Derren Brown predict the National Lottery numbers, I was amazed.

However, I'm sure that people who missed it and have to watch Channel 4 +1 will be far less impressed." Lottery

#9482

My daughter is named Charlotte but I prefer to call her lotto. Not because it's shorter just because I have a go on her twice a week. Lottery

#9483

"How's my luck? Last week my daughter announced that she was a lesbian and this morning I found my wife dead. They say things happen in threes. Well, I'm definitely doing Euromillions on Friday!" Lottery

#9484

"Just think how many Lottery tickets you could buy if you won the Lottery." Lottery

#9485

"I'm so unlucky. I bought a ticket for the Nigerian Lottery and only won a tenner." Lottery

#9486

I won the Lottery not so long ago. Blew it in no time. I only intended to spend half of my fortune, but the sign said, "Minimum delivery 2 litres". Lottery

#9487

"Just seen the 161 million pound couple.Would have been kinder to put it in Kilos." Lottery

#9488

I tell you, if i had a pound for everytime i haven't won on a scratchcard, i'd probably be more inclined to play. Lottery

#9489

"My dog has just learnt the basics of a rollover. He's one step closer to presenting the National Lottery." Lottery

#9490

The British couple who won 161 million on the Lottery have discovered an instant way to look thinner, and they say America already feels like home. Lottery

#9491

"What's the difference between the Euro Lottery and my six year old niece?

The Euro Lottery won't be rolling over this weekend." Lottery

#9492

The Euromillions has had more rollovers than Cristiano Ronaldo! Lottery

#9493

"What's the difference between the Browns, Gordon and Derren.

One is an illusionist that through misdirection will have you believing one thing when in fact the other is true whilst giving vague and confusing explanations.

The other can predict the Lottery numbers." Lottery

#9494

"My mate won a fortune on the Lottery - spent the entire lot in a year at the local fish and chip shop, just frittered it away.." Lottery

#9495

"So the 113m euromillions jackpot winner wants to "remain anonymous". just as my wife buys a ferrari and files for divorce. weird...." Lottery

#9496

"I couldn't be happier after the draw this evening. Got 4 numbers on the thunder ball." Lottery

#9497

Pie News: Ginsters board members in fear of hostile takeover bid from the winners of Euro- millions Lottery

#9498

"I never got the chance to say goodbye to my wife and children. I won the Lottery and jumped straight on a plane to Vegas." Lottery

#9499

To my darling. I was such a fool to leave you. I need you back in my life. I love you. PS Congrats on winning the Lotto. Lottery

#9500

My Nigerian friend has recieved an email saying that hes won 165m in the English Lottery. Lottery

#9501

"So Derren Brown predicted the Lottery tonight?

Big deal, I've predicted which numbers wont come up twice a week for 10 years!" Lottery

#9502

"If I'd have picked 6 different numbers I would have won the Lottery last night.

Couldn't believe it." Lottery

#9503

"So what if Derren Brown can predict the Lottery numbers. It turns out that I can as well.

But unlike him, I won 2.4 million pounds tonight." Lottery

#9504

"I've decided that, if I ever win the Lottery, I won't let the money change me. I'll leave that to the plastic surgeons." Lottery

#9505

"When the Lottery first started, I'd pick the numbers after my wife's age, weight and vital statistics. I no longer play the Lottery." Lottery

#9506

"My mate asked, "What would you buy yourself if you won the Lottery?" "Acting lessons probably." "Act..Why?" "I'd like to be convincing when anybody asks me if I have any money." Lottery

#9507

"I've just won the Lottery, to celebrate I'm having a tattoo of my lucky winnings numbers done on my arm. 15,23, and 46." Lottery

#9508

"Won money on the Lotto and immediately decided to take a break.

Bought 12 Kit Kat's with my 8 quid." Lottery

#9509

"My wife's a bit like the national Lottery. Everyone has a chance, for a pound." Lottery

#9510

"What would you buy if you won the Lottery?" asked my girlfriend.

"Oh you know, probably just the usual stuff; big house, fast car" I replied.

"Would you leave me for another woman?" "Of course not, darling, I'd leave you for several." Lottery

#9511

Thanks to the Euromillions; the only reason we'll see 'Euro Success' and 'Liverpool' in the same sentence. Lottery

#9512

"Sky News: Dozens Killed In India Bus Crash Fireball These national Lottery games are getting a bit extreme" Lottery

#9513

"There is a 1 in 2 chance of winning the Lottery. You either win it or you don't." Lottery

#9514

"I've just won the national Lottery, and Im gonna give my missus a ring...

From Australia" Lottery

#9515

"I've got 10 lines for tonight's euro Lottery!! if i win I'm gonna snort the lot!!" Lottery

#9516

"I won the Lottery last week and now all the girls in my home town are all over me.

I'm not sure if I should have went public winning three numbers in Liverpool." Lottery

#9517

"Anyone else want to know the winning lotto numbers for tonight? I'm just aboutto call Australia and ask for them. I can't believe no ones thought of doing this before." Lottery

#9518

"Oh my god! I won the Euro millions! I think i'll use my winnings to buy a litre of unleaded...." Lottery

#9519

"I just saw Colin and Chris Weir celebrating their 161 million Lottery win on 'News at Ten.'

I thought ''that's disgusting, all the starving people in Ethiopia could live off those two for a year.'' And the money would come in handy, too." Lottery

#9520

"Iwas watching the Lottery in the pub & my mate pipes up "Hey, Bob, if you won the jackpot would you sort your Family out?" "Nah. I'd just pay some of the lads off the estate to do it for me" Lottery

#9521

"Seven people share 45,000,000 in Liverpool. Still be thieving tomorrow." Lottery

#9522

"BBC News: "One UK winner of 161 million Euro millions jackpot" I think its my wife. I've just came through the door and I can hear her bouncing up and down on the bed screaming "Yes baby, yes!" Lottery

#9523

"Begging letter sent to me yesterday: HI and great news on your mega Lottery win. My name is Sally and my 3 year old daughter Sam has 2 months to live after contracting Liver cancer. Please please help her last days be memorable.

My reply:

Hi Sally, So sorry to hear your news about Sam. So what I've done is book an all expenses trip to Disney in Florida. Got to go now the taxi is waiting outside to take me to the airport. I'll send her some pictures of me and Mickey Mouse. I'll see if he will autograph it for her...

Best of luck Mark" Lottery

#9524

"The new National Lottery advert claims there have been 2 billion scratch card winners.

Or in other words 2 billion folk have won their quid back." Lottery

#9525

"So Derren Brown has found a way to predict the National Lottery Numbers......

.......he must be a Jew." Lottery

#9526

The Irony is, that the winners of the Euromillions Lottery are unable to rollover themselves. Lottery

#9527

"Note to self... Always check the Lottery results before trying to kill yourself!" Lottery

#9528

Harry won a three million pound Lottery prize. He got a letter officially confirming he will be paid 3 a year for the next million years. Lottery

#9529

"The other day, I realized that I don't do any extreme sports.

So I decided to run through Liverpool with a Lottery ticket shouting "I've won! I've won!" Lottery

#9530

"I found an old coin and took it to a coin expert to examine it. He said ''This could earn you 5,000,000.00!'' After catching my breath I gasped ''Really?"'

He tossed it back to me and said ''Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning Lottery ticket.'" Lottery

#9531

"I find it funny how some people only put the Lottery on if it's a rollover.

Almost as if they could do without 3 million tax-free pounds." Lottery

#9532

"EuroMillions jackpot winner will be richer than veteran pop stars Rod Stewart and David Bowie. Unless of course one of them won it." Lottery

#9533

"Bus driver claims three lives. These Lottery jackpot prizes are just getting daft." Lottery

#9534

"So, a couple from Falkirk, have won the 161 million jackpot. This makes them 160,999,999 richer than Scotland itself" Lottery

#9535

"If I had a pound for every time I got fooled into playing the Lottery... I'd feel adequately compensated." Lottery

#9536

"I won 6.2 million on the Lottery, Just one week later my wife divorced me and took half.

Who says money can't buy you happiness?!" Lottery

#9537

"After scooping 32m on the Euro millions the courts ordered me to by my ex-wife her own Island. She is going to be well chuffed, I bought her one off the council, it's down by Tesco." Lottery

#9538

"A single English ticket wins the 161million euro millions jackpot....

Finally we win something in Europe" Lottery

#9539

161m - At least you can afford the gastric band surgery now from Bupa. Lottery

#9540

"Ive just won BIG on the Lottery! Its not a bad DVD but Ive seen better." Lottery

#9541

If they're phasing out cheques by 2018,will Lottery winners be presented with a bag of money or a giant maestro card when they are revealed to the public? Lottery

#9542

"I love playing the Lottery and never miss a chance to gamble , I play Lotto , Euromillions , the irish Lottery etc I once put the Alaskan Lottery on but you have to be innuit to win it" Lottery

#9543

"The couple who won 161 million on EuroMillions say they'll be buying a ticket in the next Lottery. Hats off to the Weirs for nurturing our beliefs about Scottish people." Lottery

#9544

"If we won the Lottery tonight, it wouldn't change my wife one bit. Because I wouldn't tell her." Lottery

#9545

"My Nan got struck by lightning 24 times at the weekend. On hearing this, I did the honourable thing... and checked her Lottery ticket." Lottery

#9546

"BBC News headline: "OAP in record 113 million Lottery win" I've always preferred an older partner if you're reading this, my dearest love. xx" Lottery

#9547

"I feel sorry for Euromillions winners Chris and Colin Weir, now they've gone public they're going to get all sorts of unscrupulous low life pestering them for money. "Would you like fries with that? would you like to go large for an extra 30p?...." Lottery

#9548

"A bloke I know has just won 6.2m on the Lottery. Camelot have told him that the money will be in his bank tomorrow. I'm going to stand outside the bank from 6am with a shotgun and wait for the van to turn up." Lottery

#9549

"What goes from 0-60 in 0.1 seconds? Facebook friends for Colin & Chris Weir." Lottery

#9550

"My missus said to me "I've won a tenner on the Lottery, look! 04, 03 and 10!"

I replied "That's the date love..." Lottery

#9551

"I packed my bags and left my wife and kids last night after discovering I had a winning ticket on the Lottery. I soon went crawling back this morning, ten pound doesn't stretch very far." Lottery

#9552

"I sed them three special words which makes every woman want me

National Lottery Winner" Lottery

#9553

"I see a lucky group shared in the Euromillions Jackpot then, Mr & Mrs Weir, MacDonald's, KFC, Burger King, Pizza hut, Aziz's kebab shop..." Lottery

#9554

"BBC News: "Earthquake hits English Channel" Yeah, that couple got pretty excited and started jumping up and down when they won the Euromillions." Lottery

#9555

"I seem to have the worst luck. I had all the right numbers on my Lottery ticket, but they weren't in the right order." Lottery

#9556

"What's the difference between a man having an argument with his wife and a man buying a Lottery ticket? The man has more chance of winning the Lottery." Lottery

#9557

"The day after my wife left me I won ten million quid on the Lottery. She said, "I think we should give it another go" I said, "You can, if you like. I don't need to play it anymore" Lottery

#9558

"A bulimic girl said to me, "Everything I swallow comes up." I said, "Quick, swallow my Lottery numbers." Lottery

#9559

"Winning the Euromillions. Fat Chance" Lottery

#9560

Colin & Chris Weir have employed me to sort out their finances. I'm just in the middle of doing them a pie chart. Lottery

#9561

The worse thing about winning 82million would be trying to get it out of the newsagents into the car. Lottery

#9562

"TheSun: "Lotto winners Chris and Colin are UK's 430th wealthiest."

I'd say they were struggling to match that rank for the UK's Healthiest though." Lottery

#9563

"I said to a mate, "It's a good job you called in sick yesterday." "Haha, why was it a busy day?" He asked "No, our syndicate hit the jackpot on the Lottery." Lottery

#9564

"I looked at my wife and wondered, what she's doing with someone like me? Then I remembered... ...I won the Lottery." Lottery

#9565

"TV3 (Ireland): Lottery Liar; "I had to lie, otherwise she would have known the truth"

Really?" Lottery

#9566

"My mate was telling me how he always plays the same numbers for the Lottery. 4, 9, 16, 25 and 36. What a square." Lottery

#9567

Think it might be wise that pukka pies invest in a shop as close to the Euromillions Winners House as possible. Lottery

#9568

"161m Winners: "It is sinking in inch by inch" Looking at the size of them, that's a lot of inches." Lottery

#9569

"Greece Wins 96bn Economic Bailout " Really? I thought that big rollover jackpot was won by two fat people!" Lottery

#9570

"My girlfriend surprised me as I walked into the living room, she held up her card and offered me two lines. I wish I hadn't rolled up a tenner as fast as I had... Stupid Lottery." Lottery

#9571

"As my wife read the winning lotto numbers off the ticket she said, "Pinch me to make sure I'm not dreaming!" "It's that ticket I'll be pinching thank you fatty," I replied, "My quid paid for it." Lottery

#9572

Yes I can confirm the rumors are true - it was me who won the 166 million Euro jackpot. I spent the money putting a full tank of petrol in my car. Obviously I'm now skint again, so stop sending begging letters. Lottery

#9573

Sunday Times: Recent developments have shown that the Dursleys have found a figure of 161 million in their bank. Lottery

#9574

Introducing the new 'Health Lottery' Diet: The quickest way to Loose a Pound a week! Lottery

#9575

"I swore I wouldn't change if I won the Lottery. But I was wearing stockings, suspenders and a gimp mask when I found out, so I kind of had too." Lottery

#9576

"The Lottery. As much chance as a walking talking Stephen Hawking." Lottery

#9577

"I turned sixteen today and I can now legally do what I've been fantasising about all of these years. Buy a Lottery ticket." Lottery

#9578

"I can't believe my ears! Just been watching the National Lottery. Dale Winton's just asked this woman a question and she hasn't got a clue about the three answers provided. She says to him that there isn't even an answer that she knows is wrong. Dale's reply, "Well, it's easier if you just knock one out." Fresh thinking there, Dale." Lottery

#9579

"My missus asked, "If you won the Lottery would you still stay with me?"

I said, "No." She said, "That was a bit blunt." I said, "Oh sorry, Nah." Lottery

#9580

I feel sorry for the one Nigerian man who actually has $27 million to give to me. Lottery

#9581

"If it had been me that had won the 161 million then I wouldn't just sponsor a child, I'd buy a whole country. Turns out I only had three numbers but that was enough to buy South Africa and get a Big Mac anyway." Lottery

#9582

Saw a flattened little dead silver dog in the middle of the road. Apparently Someone didn't win on the scratch card. Lottery

#9583

"If I got my money back everytime I played but didn't win the Lottery.... There would still be kids dying in Africa" Lottery

#9584

The first thing I'd if I won the Lottery? Finally be able to fill the car up. Lottery

#9585

"My local Magician can slow his heartbeat down until it stops. But, to tell the truth, he only managed to pull it off once." Magic

#9586

The Hogwarts episode of Cribs is the worst. Every room they went in, someone says, "This is where the Magic happens." Magic

#9587

Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a Magician. Magic

#9588

"Did you hear about the Magic tractor? It turned into a field." Magic

#9589

"An amateur Magician accidentally turns his wife into a settee and his two kids into armchairs. He starts to panic. He tries every trick in book but none work so, in desperation, he decides to take them to hospital. Once at casualty, the Magician spends a sleepless night while the medical staff run numerous tests on the unfortunate woman and children. Finally, the head doctor comes out into the corridor to speak to the Magician. "How are my Family?" he asks worriedly, "are they alright?"The doctor replies, "they're comfortable..." Magic

#9590

"Two dragons go into a pub. The first says, "It's hot in here isn't it?"

The other replies, "Shut your mouth." Magic

#9591

"BBC News: Walker, 68, found dead in Italy. Walking and dead at the same time? Impressive. Your move David Blaine." Magic

#9592

"My Maths teacher told me two negatives make a positive. So I told her she's fat and ugly." Magic

#9593

"In my act as a street Magician, I line up women, blindfold them then rub their fannies menacingly before running off. More the fool them for trusting David Cop a Feel." Magic

#9594

"I was fired from my job as a children's Magician today... Apparently, when I make the kids disappear, I also have to make them re-appear." Magic

#9595

While driving I had an accident with a Magician. It wasn't my fault - he came out of nowhere. Magic

#9596

"Remember to stay away from warehouses at a full moon... ...they turn into houses..." Magic

#9597

This latest David Blaine disappearing trick is awesome. Does anyone know when he's going to reappear? It must be like three years now? Magic

#9598

"What's the difference between your brain and your grandmother, naked and bent over?

Your brain was in your head before you read this." Magic

#9599

Alcohol has Magical powers. It can turn a settee into a bed. Magic

#9600

"Black Magic sacrifices They really get my goat" Magic

#9601

"My brother said out loud that I have an overly developed imagination, all of my Family laughed. They won't be laughing when I set Ryan on them. Ryan's my pet kraken." Magic

#9602

"My wife was furious when I quit my job to become a Magician but I've now mastered the sawing a lady in half trick and will be doing my first show tonight. Shame she won't be there but sometimes these things take a couple of tries to get it right." Magic

#9603

I really want Harry Potter's invisibility cloak so I can hang it over one of my arms and park in the disabled spots at ASDA. Magic

#9604

"David Copperfield walks into a bar. Or does he?" Magic

#9605

"My mate was waxing lyrical about the Magic of Dynamo earlier.

"He's good, but my mate can make anything disappear in an instant" I said.

"Is he a Magician aswell?" he asked.

"No" I replied, "He's a scouser." Magic

#9606

"My brash, amateur Magician brother said he could easily do the 'catch the bullet between his teeth' trick. That's the first and last time he'll shoot his mouth off." Magic

#9607

"Penn and Teller are like a married couple. Only one of them gets to talk." Magic

#9608

"''Hey Harry, that looks Magical'', said Ron. ''It isn't Harry''." Magic

#9609

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, I will attempt to age before your very eyes.

This is a complex trick and not easy to accomplish. In fact, it may take some time." Magic

#9610

"My mate suggested I tell my wife about my Magic addiction by writing her a letter

I just can't pick up the Penn and Teller" Magic

#9611

"I just saw the Magician Dynamo on the High street. He said, "Try and pick me up"

I said, "You have beautiful eyes" Magic

#9612

"According to Google's homepage today is Harry Houdini's 137th birthday...

I reckon that's his best trick yet" Magic

#9613

"Working on a new trick, a Magician turned his wife into a couch and his kids into chairs, but he couldn't turn them back. What have I done? he wondered. How can I bring back my Family?

Out of ideas, he loaded everybody into his van and rushed to the hospital. He explained the situation, and his Family was whisked off to surgery. Hours later, the surgeon emerged.

"How are they?" the Magician asked. "Comfortable." Magic

#9614

I wish I had a genie. Magic

#9615

"I wish I hadn't arrested a Magician last night. The trouble started when I asked him to empty his pockets." Magic

#9616

"I'm like a Magician with women. I pick a girl at random off the street, saw her in half, and then make her disappear...." Magic

#9617

I should've read the instructions on Pandora's box before I opened it. But it was all Greek to me. Magic

#9618

Do wands come with spell checkers? Magic

#9619

"What did the Magician do when he got angry? He pulled his hare out." Magic

#9620

Definition of an amateur Magician; someone who can make anything disappear, except their virginity. Magic

#9621

"My wife told me that i couldn't manage to be a full-time dad and a successful Magician at the same time Lets see what she says now i've turned my daughter into a woman" Magic

#9622

Two gypsy fortune-tellers meet on the street: "You're fine, how am I?" Magic

#9623

"I plan on suing derren brown in the new few days after his latest trick. My brother just can't get out of his wheelchair." Magic

#9624

"I asked this loser street Magician if he could tell me the way to the train station.

Now I'm totally lost. To be fair, he's pretty good at misdirection." Magic

#9625

"I was visiting Preston at the weekend, and I saw an amazing street Magician who made a seventh of the city disappear before my eyes. He just waved his wand and....Hey presto." Magic

#9626

"What do you call it when a race of people Magically disappears?

Geniecide." Magic

#9627

"Not happy whatsoever, not once in all the Harry Potter films did i see a ''dont try this at home'' message. Suddenly my daughter thinks shes found ''the bomb'' because shes married to ''the chosen one'' and to top it off hes ginger!! suppose his mother Dianna was killed in a ''car crash''" Magic

#9628

"I've just started a business which is a rat and mouse washing service. It's going great...

All our customers are squeaky clean" Magic

#9629

"A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on suicide. Unfortunately the Library was all out, so the librarian just offered him Twilight." Magic

#9630

"Some people say I'm a god, others just think I'm a dog. Depends which way you look at it." Magic

#9631

I have no super powers. The only thing close to a super power I have is that i'm invisible to bartenders. Magic

#9632

"A mate of mine has been having a hard time recently, and has had to cut some of his staff off.

Gandalf's Magic isn't what it used to be anymore." Magic

#9633

"Ashes to Ashes. Dust to Dust. Worst...Magician...ever." Magic

#9634

I never wanted to be a Magician, but when my sister came home and said she was getting 100-a-trick, I thought, "It's Magic for me!" Magic

#9635

Looking into the reflection of two mirrors opposite each other, a surefire way of raping your own mind. Magic

#9636

A wizard turns into a bar. Magic

#9637

"Fate. The Lazy way of defining coincidence to morons." Magic

#9638

"Watched Dynamo yesterday. I love how he bottled every trick." Magic

#9639

My pet elk has vanished, one moment it was in the garden next moment vamoose Magic

#9640

"Harry Houdini, David Blaine and many other famous Magicians have, for centuries, been trying to perfect the Magic art of 'disappearance'. Now realizing their fatal mistake, many Magicians have received a new agent. According to the newspapers, Kate McCann is thrilled with her new job." Magic

#9641

"For my next Magic trick, I'll need a condom and a volunteer" Magic

#9642

"My mate bought a Crystal Ball the other day I don't get what he see's in it" Magic

#9643

I really hate the Tangle Fairy. That mythical creature who's domain is headphone cables, Christmas tree lights and hosepipes. Magic

#9644

"Watched a Magician live on tv last night, he done this trick where he made everyone in the rooms hands repel like magnets. I thought it was brilliant, but the audiance looked a bit hesitant to applaud it" Magic

#9645

"Was watching 'Dynamo, Magician Impossible' the other day. Must say I found what I was watching to be astonishing, and beyond belief. I mean, he says he's from Bradford and he isn't a Paki. Who's going to believe that?" Magic

#9646

"A Magician is practicing new tricks at home when he accidently turns his Family into a three piece suite , after trying to reverse the spell he fails so rings an ambulance .

Hours later he phones the hospital to see how they are doing and the doctor says ' oh they're very comfortable '" Magic

#9647

"so, Harry Potter. a teenager that likes all things Magic and mystical who grasps his wand all day. yeah there's a new concept Rowling, here in the real world we call them 'virgins' - virgins who play World Of Warcraft." Magic

#9648

"The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink. "Not really," I replied. "Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want." Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror... As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs." Misunderstanding

#9649

"I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him." Misunderstanding

#9650

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said. It took me three hours." Misunderstanding

#9651

"So I've got a new girlfriend. She invited me round to her place for dinner the other night.

We were in the kitchen, just about to start making dinner when she asked me to turn on the veg.

Apparently, fingering her paraplegic daughter was not the right move...." Misunderstanding

#9652

"I'm so proud of my African pen friend.

He tells me he hasn't had a drink in weeks. Hang on in there mate." Misunderstanding

#9653

"I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her 'What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of "pensi"?' It was as she pulled my trousers down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was my spine." Misunderstanding

#9654

"I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow, and they told me it was 'absolutely priceless'. Well, I got 4 quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who's laughing now?" Misunderstanding

#9655

"What would you like?" says the barman. "What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife." "No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?" "To win the Lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born Healthy!" "What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently. "A boy or a girl, I don't care."

"You misunderstand me," says the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink." "Oh," says Bob, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"

"Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly Healthy." Misunderstanding

#9656

"I think my wife is going insane. She said "Honey, can you unload the dish washer please?"

Next thing you know, she'll be asking the marmalade to take out the bins." Misunderstanding

#9657

"My new girlfriend just found out that I'm 42. She said, "You told me that you were 28 and a half!" I said, "I am if you think about it." Misunderstanding

#9658

"I got a phone call last night to say that my wife had been in an accident. I rushed to the hospital and asked the nurse, "How is she, can I see her?" She said, "I'm afraid you're too late."

I said, "Okay, no worries; I'll come back in the morning." Misunderstanding

#9659

"I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!" "Wow, your dad's a millionaire?" "No, but he always wanted to be." Misunderstanding

#9660

"I saw my ex pushing a baby down the street today. We stopped, she nodded at the pushchair and said, "It's yours." I said, "Oh my God... really?" She said, "Yeah, really."

So I picked up the baby, threw it on the floor and walked away with my new set of wheels." Misunderstanding

#9661

"I keep seeing Facebook statuses like '8 - 2? Are you serious?' The answer's 6, it's not that difficult" Misunderstanding

#9662

"A guy at work asked, "Do you watch the Apprentice?"

I said, "Thank god, I'm not the only one, I actually found myself sneaking in to watch her on the toilet last week." I'm off down the job centre in the morning." Misunderstanding

#9663

If I had a pound for every time someone told me that I don't understand common sayings then I would have quite a few stone. Misunderstanding

#9664

"According to the news, some scientists are saying that the severe UK winter weather is actuallythebuildup to another ice age. Personally I thought theyd run out of idea's for sequels by now, I mean how many more situations can that rat thing get itself into while chasing an acorn?" Misunderstanding

#9665

"My mate said, "It's me and the wife's tenth anniversary next weekend. I thought we could go somewhere really nice together." "Sounds good to me, mate. What are you going to tell your wife though?" Misunderstanding

#9666

"My boss rang me this morning. "You've got a meeting in five minutes," he said. "We need you to make this. Where are you?" I said, "On the way to my car as we speak." "Right," he said. "Do you think you'll make it?" I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away." Misunderstanding

#9667

"I looked out of our window today and said to the wife... "It's like rush hour outside"

"What, lots of traffic?" She replied "No, there's a black and Chinese guy running down the road in pursuit of a criminal." Misunderstanding

#9668

"An eye for an eye turns the world blind." Look on the bright side, everyone gets a dog." Misunderstanding

#9669

"I took a bird and her baby for a picnic on a cliff. I was trying to slip my hand in her knickers when she stopped me and said, "No, not until the baby drops off." So I kicked him over the edge. The look on her face suggested that's not what she meant." Misunderstanding

#9670

"A friend of mine recently told me that he was "in the closet" until the was 23.

That must have been the longest game of hide and seek in History." Misunderstanding

#9671

"My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?" "Led Zeppelin," I replied. "Who?" he said. "Yeah, I liked them too." Misunderstanding

#9672 "Last year my wife was furious that I missed her birthday, and insisted that in future I should plan at least two months in advance. Well it's her birthday in 8 weeks time, and I'm pleased to say I've already bought her her present. She's going to love these flowers." Misunderstanding

#9673

"I said to my wife last night, "I fancy a takeaway." She said, "Are you talking Chinese?"

I said, "No, did it sound Chinese?" Misunderstanding

#9674

"I was at the hospital today when the doctor said, "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable." "I thought she was in a coma and in critical condition," I said bemused. "She is," he replied, "but she's so fat, me and the other doctors use her like a beanbag." Misunderstanding

#9675

"There's a sign at the local pub that says 'Watch Football Live Here' So how come after a match I get kicked out when I bring down my blanket and mattress" Misunderstanding

#9676

"A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin. "What can I do for you, Father?" "I'm collecting for the orphanage." "Just a moment," says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says: "OK, you can take me now." Misunderstanding

#9677

"A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and 22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my, granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook....." Misunderstanding

#9678

"A young woman goes into the butcher's shop with her baby: "My scales have broken down. Do you think you could weigh my baby for me?" The butcher takes the baby into a side room and returns after a while with a plastic bag: "3545 grams ... without bones." Misunderstanding

#9679

"The text from my daughter read "OMG Dad, you have no idea how wet I am!"

My response was "Now you've said that I bet you've no idea how hard I am ;)"

She replied "It's raining... " Misunderstanding

#9680

"I was outside the school, eating a Twix, when I said to a small group of girls "Anyone fancy a finger?" And that your honour, is why it was consensual." Misunderstanding

#9681

"I've spent all afternoon getting ready for a house party. I'm going as Hugh Laurie." Misunderstanding

#9682

"A workmate of mine recently got divorced and I've noticed he gets upset every time he sees the Family picture I've got on my desk. I think he misses them." Misunderstanding

#9683

"The wife knew I had today off and texted, 'Darling, can you do us a favour and bring some washing in for me?'

Boy is she going to be pleased.. I've been round all the neighbors and she must have 30 bags full to do." Misunderstanding

#9684

"My next door neighbour told me to stop following her around everywhere or she'd call the police. "You wouldn't do that, would you?" I asked. "Watch me," she replied.

"No. You said you'd call the police." Misunderstanding

#9685

"We were walking down the street when a hooded youth popped up from nowhere, grabbed my wife and put a knife to her throat. He looked at me and said, "Give me all your money or she gets it!" I replied, "She already has all my money." Misunderstanding

#9686

"I got angry, threw my Nokia phone at a wall and watched as it smashed into a million pieces.

The phone's fine though." Misunderstanding

#9687

"The car park I was in today had a sign which said "You will be charged after 2 hours".

"How kind," I thought as I parked my electric car." Misunderstanding

#9688

"I took my new puppy for his first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere.

Probably should have started him on something weaker than Sambuca." Misunderstanding

#9689

"On a train. "Are you travelling to Manchester?" "Yes."

"And what are you planning to do there?" "Get off the train." Misunderstanding

#9690

"I walked into a cobblers and asked "Do you repair shoes?" "Yes." said the cobbler.

"Good," I replied, handing him a shoe, "Can you find the other one for this please?" Misunderstanding

#9691

"I just drove past a sign that said "Watch for blind children". That is very cruel. What next, headphones for deaf kids?" Misunderstanding

#9692

"I was lying on the couch watching TV earlier, when my 10 year old boy came up to me and said, "Dad! I really want to do the father-son sports day at school tomorrow."

I laughed at him and said, "Aww Matthew that's so sweet. But you don't have a son." Misunderstanding

#9693

"I was doing a crossword today and I said to my wife, "Six letters...another word for a broad road in a town or city? I still haven't got it!" "Avenue?" she said

"No," I said, "I haven't, stop rubbing it in." Misunderstanding

#9694

"So it's fine for some moron to bellow nonsensically from the roof of a mosque at 6 in the morning ... ... but a couple of barely audible cries and moans from my attic and the police are called." Misunderstanding

#9695

"A young guy turns up at a hotel reception: "I'd like a single room, please." "Certainly, sir," says the receptionist. "With bath or shower?" The guy is a bit short of cash, so he asks, "What's the difference?" "You have to stand in the shower," says the receptionist." Misunderstanding

#9696

"I said to my mate, "Bet you can't guess how much I won at the bookies yesterday?"

He chuckled, "Go on then, put me out of my misery." So I shot his wife." Misunderstanding

#9697

"I was out having a nice Italian meal last night with my long term girlfriend, when all of a sudden, I got out of my chair,and slowly got down on one knee. "Oh my god" my girlfriend shrieked, "Let me just get my phone out so I can video this and show my mum and sister and remember the moment for the rest of my life" she gushed. "Sure thing" I replied.

"But I'm sure they have seen people tie their shoelaces before" Misunderstanding

#9698

"I was walking through town today and a tramp said to me, "Hi mate. Have you got any loose change?" I jingled my pocket and said, "No, it's all nice and secure." Misunderstanding

#9699

"'JK Rowling writes first book for adults'. Nonsense. I have loads of adult books, all of them written by other authors." Misunderstanding

#9700

"Bob is sitting on a train staring dreamily at the guy across from him. "Hey," says the guy, "why are you staring at me?" "Whether you believe it or not," says Bob, "you are the spitting image of my wife. Except for the beard." "I don't have a beard," says the guy.

"No, but the wife does." Misunderstanding

#9701

"I was sat in a cafe earlier when a blonde looked up to catch me watching her eat her banana.

She started sucking on it, gave me a wink and said, "Teasing you, am I?"

"You sure are" I replied, "I could murder a banana right now." Misunderstanding

#9702

My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?" I said, "America." Misunderstanding

#9703

"My girlfriend rang me; "Is everything okay, babe? You seem a bit off." "You're too fat" I said, "I want you to lose a few stone." "Well if that's the way you feel, I won't be round anymore." Good girl, I knew she'd give it a go." Misunderstanding

#9704

"The police were at my door, "Mr Smith, we want to interview you about raping a girl on a seaside bouncy castle. What do you have to say?" "What a fun but unusual way to be interviewed." Misunderstanding

#9705

"My wife had hiccups this morning." "Sometimes a shock works" she moaned.

"Ok" I said. "Are you ready? 1... 2... 3..." And I told her I was moving in with my secretary." Misunderstanding

#9706

"I was walking with my Husky this morning when we were approached by a strange looking fellow. "That dog would make me a lovely coat!" He evilly laughed whilst rubbing his hands together. "I doubt it mate" I replied, "he's never even used a sewing machine." Misunderstanding

#9707

"I asked the wife earlier what she wanted for Christmas. "Oooh, I don't know. Maybe something cool, sparkly and tasteful," she said with a wink. Excellent I thought. Bottle of 7 Up it is then." Misunderstanding

#9708

"My wife said I show no sympathy for the children in slave labour. "You should try putting yourself in their shoes!" She said. So I went and bought a pair of trainers from Primark." Misunderstanding

#9709

"I was in a lap dancing club at the weekend and was enjoying myself until this 15 stone fat chick came dancing on the table in front of me. "Strong legs that, hey?" I said to the bloke next to me. "Huh, she's fat," he replied. "No mate, I meant the table," I said." Misunderstanding

#9710

"I went into a DIY shop. I said: "I'd like a mousetrap. Please be quick, I have a train to catch."

"I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any that big," he replied." Misunderstanding

#9711

I can't understand why people think capital punishment is too harsh, I was in London only this weekend and it wasn't THAT bad. Misunderstanding

#9712

"My seven year old son came down the stairs wearing a rucksack this morning.

"What are you doing?" I asked. He said, "Running away."

"Running away, hey?" I laughed, "And where are you running to?" "Errrrrrr.....Spain" he replied. "Very nice" I said, "It's lovely there. Where in Spain are you going?"

He said, "I don't know, mummy didn't say." Misunderstanding

#9713

"I signed up for this 'Kony 2012' campaign earlier today... I can't wait to start kidnapping, raping and pillaging! Misunderstanding

#9714

"I saw an advert: Dog for sale, eats anything, fond of children. I may sue for false advertising, I bought it a week ago I can't get it to eat any kids." Misunderstanding

#9715

"I was in the pub and asked my mate if he remembered the theme to 'Jaws'. "Yeah." He said, "It's mostly about a big shark that eats people." Misunderstanding

#9716

"BBC NEWS: Brave Laura Robson undone by super Maria Sharapova I wished." Misunderstanding

#9717

"I rang my solicitors up yesterday 'Murphy, Murphy, Murphy and Murphy' I said to the man on the other end "Can I speak to Mr Murphy please?" He said "Sorry, he's with another client at the moment" So I asked "Please can I speak to Mr Murphy?"

To which he replied "I'm sorry he's just away from his desk at the moment" Then I asked "Can I speak to Mr Murphy then?" "I'm sorry he's just on the phone" he replied I then asked "Please can I speak to Mr Murphy?" He said "Speaking" Misunderstanding

#9718

"My pregnant wife just phoned from the hospital to say she'd lost the baby. I told her to check down the back of the settee." Misunderstanding

#9719

My dyslexic mate just rang and told me there's been a death at an Army Warehouse somewhere in London. Misunderstanding

#9720

"I saw a leaflet that said, 'Smoke free in 30 days.' That sounds like a good deal, I'm sick of paying for them." Misunderstanding

#9721

"I was stood in the train station this morning when a girl slipped onto the lines and got her foot stuck. "Help!" She screamed. "I don't want to die this way!"

So I ran over and slit her throat." Misunderstanding

#9722

"It doesn't mean anything, honey! 'Oh God' is something all women shout in bed!"

Joseph was not convinced." Misunderstanding

#9723

"I met a lady at the bus stop, "So then, getting the bus?" I asked. "Well, what does it look like?" she said angrily. I replied, "Emm, it's a big blue and white thing with loads of people on it!" Misunderstanding

#9724

"I got in a load of trouble at the farm with my German boss recently. Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs." Misunderstanding

#9725

"Doctor, my wife has severe pain in her appendix!" "Nonsense!" says the doctor. "I removed her appendix three years ago. Not a single person in the world has a second appendix."

"That may well be true, but some people have second wives." Misunderstanding

#9726

"My pretentious new girlfriend took me down to her film club last night. I think I was a little out of my depth. They were all juxtaposition this and narrative that and how they adore the use of subtext. Then I was asked, "And do you have a favourite indie film?" "Err, Temple of Doom?" Misunderstanding

#9727

"The barman said to me, "Good evening, Sir, what can I get for you?" "I'll have a shot of everything on the top row please", I replied. He got my drinks and tried to charge me 100.

I said, "I thought you were getting them." Misunderstanding

#9728

"I've been put on the waiting list for a new kidney. It's a very exclusive butchers." Misunderstanding

#9729

"Susie is down on her luck with nothing but a fiver to her name, so she goes into the supermarket and buys two eggs and a bottle of ketchup. As she is leaving, she stumbles and drops the lot on the concrete path. With nothing to eat, she sits down on a bench and starts to cry. A drunk staggers along, looks at the mess on the ground and puts his arm around her. "Don't cry, darlin'," he slurs, "it wouldn't have lived anyway. Its eyes are too close together." Misunderstanding

#9730

"My wife said seeing as it's hot she wants a cool bath. So I've put a rubber duck in it, how cool's that?" Misunderstanding

#9731

"I asked the chemist, "What's best for nasty insect bites?" "Probably mosquitos," he replied." Misunderstanding

#9732

"I was talking to a fat bird down the pub last night. She said, "Would you call me a taxi?"

I said, "No, you're more like a 12 seater mini bus." Misunderstanding

#9733

just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that "real" hippos don't actually eat marbles? Misunderstanding

#9734

"I saw a sign in the hospital that read 'Burn Victims'I was gutted that I'd left my petrol can at home." Misunderstanding

#9735

"I saw a fire alarm today with a notice that read: 'Push if you see fire or smoke'

I pushed it as I like the odd one when I have a drink." Misunderstanding

#9736

"I ran a red light on my way home yesterday, and a policeman pulled me over. He said, "Have you been drinking, Sir?" I replied, "Yes, loads of times. Great fun, isn't it?" Misunderstanding

#9737

"My wife told me that she would like me to last longer in bed. So I quit my job." Misunderstanding

#9738

My wife just asked me to change our baby, so I cut off his arms and sewed on a beak. Misunderstanding

#9739

"Two hunters are out in the woods, when suddenly they see a beautiful naked woman bathing in a lake. "What are you doing here?" she asked. "We are looking for wild game." the hunters answered. "Well I'm wild and I'm game!" she replied with a wink. So the hunters shot her." Misunderstanding

#9740

"I like to impress to women by showing off the newest technology. I'm always most confident with my foot on the pedal of a sleek new machine. Unfortunately, most of them have seen that type of bin before." Misunderstanding

#9741

"BBC News: 'Brazilian gang-fighting judge shot dead'. Should've chosen a less dangerous pastime." Misunderstanding

#9742

"I said to my wife, "I'm tired of looking in this mirror and seeing my big beer belly, so I'm going to do something about it." She replied, "Excellent idea. You're going to start working out at the gym then?" "Don't be silly. I'm buying a shorter mirror." Misunderstanding

#9743

"I took my car to the garage today. "It looks like your belt is knackered mate" "Really?" I said "how do you know?" "Your trousers are on the floor." Misunderstanding

#9744

"I burst into the lounge last night and said to the wife, "Guess what babe? I've got us two tickets to the Canaries'!" "Oh my God!" she shrieked. "How long for? One week? Two weeks?"

"No, 90 minutes." I said. "Unless it goes to extra time." Misunderstanding

#9745

My wife said she's leaving me because of my unHealthy obsession with plants. I said where's this stemming from petal? Misunderstanding

#9746

"Just before my wife died, I bought the lovely new Porsche she told me to buy."

"Was that her last wish?" "Yes, it was. When I mentioned it, I clearly remember her saying it was the last thing she wanted." Misunderstanding

#9747

"One of my employees came into my office today. He insisted he'd quit if he wasn't treated with more respect. "Come on, we both know you'll never walk out of this job", I laughed.

"Just watch me then!" he yelled. As he turned around in his wheelchair, I gathered he'd misunderstood my point." Misunderstanding

#9748

"I was in the Library noisily eating a kebab when the librarian said to me, "Shhhushhh."

I replied, "No it's Doner." Misunderstanding

#9749

"My girlfriend told me she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." Misunderstanding

#9750

"After seeing those cute puppies on the andrex advert, I decided to get the kids one for Christmas. I can't wait to see their excited little faces when they open up their extra-soft toilet roll." Misunderstanding

#9751

"I got attacked by a shark yesterday. My mate said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"

I said, "No, he just attacked me for no reason" Misunderstanding

#9752

"Isn't it funny how two small spelling mistakes can ruin your day? My wife's text got me so excited two weeks after leaving for Florida. Anyway, turned out she was waiting at Heathrow for a cab, not Deathrow for a jab." Misunderstanding

#9753

"I've just bought a sofa with three years free credit. I'm going to save a fortune on my mobile phone bill." Misunderstanding

#9754

"I got stopped by the Police as I drove home from the pub last night. "Have you been drinking, Sir?" he asked. "Absolutely not," I replied, "I've been drinking Kronenburg." Misunderstanding

#9755

"I took my mum for a day out at a spa where she saw incense sticks for the first time.

There was quite a scene the next day when she went to the shops looking to buy 'spa sticks that she can burn at home'." Misunderstanding

#9756

"My mum asked me why i was washing my dads brother, Ian in the bath.

What she actually said was "go and wash, you're unclean" Misunderstanding

#9757

"I was at the bar the other night nursing a beer My nipple got quite soggy" Misunderstanding

#9758

"What's the most confusing part of the day for the medical staff in a Sikh hospital ?

Visiting time at the head injury clinic." Misunderstanding

#9759

"I was showing a couple around one of my agencies properties today. After the tour, they were both really impressed. "Lets talk figures," Said the guy. "Okay," I replied, "I have four Action men, a Buzz and a Woody, what about you?" Misunderstanding

#9760

"When we broke up my wife said she wanted to split everything straight down the middle.

Yet she cried like a baby when I dropped half of the cat on her doorstep." Misunderstanding

#9761

"A Muslim and a Jew are waiting at a bus stop. The Muslim says "When's the bus due?"

The Jew replies "Alright now lets not be racist" Misunderstanding

#9762

"So, I know you 'gotta catch 'em all', but what happens if you don't?" I asked.

"Well, there are 151 Pokemon in total, but you'll never get them all without hunting down the rare ones" he replied. "Many of the 151 Pokemon in your Pokedex can't be caught at all, and will need to be obtained by evolving into other Pokemon." There was an awkward silence, before he added,"Oh, you meant your malignant tumours? Sorry. You'll die." Misunderstanding

#9763

"My mate asked me what my ringtone is. I said " I've never seen it, but I'm guessing its a light brown." Misunderstanding

#9764

"After I boarded the plane, I sat down in my seat next to this old lady. I grasped the arm rest, being a little anxious. "Nervous?" asked the old lady. I replied, "Just a little." "First time?" she asked. I replied, "No, I've been nervous numerous times." Misunderstanding

#9765

"The Government is to introduce compulsory microchips for all dogs in England.

Morons. My Rover only likes Pedigree Chum." Misunderstanding

#9766

"It's my grandparents' diamond anniversary this week, and I suggested to my wife that we buy them some flowers. "I wouldn't bother," she said, "They'll only die in a few days time."

"Fair enough," I said, "I'll start planning their funeral instead." Misunderstanding

#9767

"I asked my girlfriend last night what she wanted for Valentine's Day.

"Something shiny and fast that goes from 0-60 in five seconds would be nice," she replied.

So I've bought her a car roof." Misunderstanding

#9768

"When my old nan told me she had terminal cancer, I asked her what she would most like to do before she dies. She said, "Ooh, I would love to go on the trip of a lifetime."

So as a surprise I've just put three in her tea." Misunderstanding

#9769

"I went and brought an attractive young girl to mine yesterday.

Seems a waste, but that gold has to be dug up one way or another." Misunderstanding

#9770

"I accused my wife of faking it last night, and I was right. She wasn't sleeping." Misunderstanding

#9771

"I just text my friend, "You watch the England game?" He replied, "No mate. Score?"

I said, "Nah, I wasn't playing" Misunderstanding

#9772

"It's amazing what some people keep from each other, my girlfriend rang last night and said:

"I can't talk for long babe, I've not got many minutes left." I didn't even know she was ill." Misunderstanding

#9773

"I got really drunk at a fancy dress party last night. Most of the night was a blur, but I kind of remember getting off with a girl dressed as a St Bernard. It was a very convincing costume, she even had a basket in the kitchen." Misunderstanding

#9774

I've seen tweets like "North London is Red", & "North London is White" which is odd as I've seen the demographics. North London is mostly black. Misunderstanding

#9775

"A mate who lives near Oxford rang me up this morning. "Whitney's dead!" he exclaimed.

"Move somewhere more exciting then," I replied." Misunderstanding

#9776

I misunderstood when I signed up to do carpentry. They said we'd be playing with wood all day and making joints. Misunderstanding

#9777

"I was out last night and I met this really attractive girl. We were chatting and it came out she was only 16 years old. I felt a bit uncomfortable but she seemed very mature so I relaxed. After a lot of drinks and flirting she told me to "take her home and make her feel like a real woman".

So I punched her in the head and chained her to the oven." Misunderstanding

#9778

I was always told to follow my dreams, and since I do nothing but dream about the fit young blonde next door, it doesn't make me a stalker. Misunderstanding

#9779

"Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'" Misunderstanding

#9780

"My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it." Misunderstanding

#9781

"My girfriend has decided to do a night school course on "How to become a more independent person." She said "Maybe we could go together?" I think she may have missed the point." Misunderstanding

#9782

"Today just isn't my day.. Just before, I was in our room doing some work on the computer, and i accidentally knocked my pen off the desk and, as clumsy as I am, I banged my nose on the drawer. It was bleeding A LOT, so I grabbed the nearest piece of cloth to stop the blood..

Then my wife came in and she wasn't impressed to catch me in our room with a pair of blood covered knickers over my nose..." Misunderstanding

#9783

"I'm a gentleman. Just this morning, I held a gate open for an old lady. I think she said thank you, but I couldn't hear because there was an alarm going off somewhere. Anyway, when I turned round, she'd gone. She must have jumped on the train that was speeding past." Misunderstanding

#9784

"My Italian neighbour came up to me this morning and said, "I've died your-a-cat ginger."

"You dyed him? But he was ginger in the first place." "Sorry, my english, she no-a-that good, I mean your-a ginger cat died. I hit her with-a-the lawnmower." Misunderstanding

#9785

"I got hit by a car in Paris the other day and a French guy came upto me and said "Cest la vie"

So I replied "La vie!" But it didn't help." Misunderstanding

#9786

"Doctor told me I might die if I don't stop drinking. I've been off it now for 3 days and I'm really having second thoughts. I think I might be dehydrated." Misunderstanding

#9787

"I think my girlfriend's a bit of a science geek. She stopped at her mate's yesterday and has just texted me to say that they'd 'spent the night experimenting'." Misunderstanding

#9788

"My wife winked and said, "If you're in the mood, you can if you want." I said, "Cheers love, I'll be back at closing time." Misunderstanding

#9789

I've always hated facial hair, but I must admit my Movember moustache is growing on me. Misunderstanding

#9790

"I was in the garden with my wife when she winked at me and said 'Do you want me to, you know, go down?'. 'Sure' I replied 'Just let me get my shovel'." Misunderstanding

#9791

"I suspected my girlfriend of cheating, and my worst fears were confirmed. I received a text saying she wanted to see other people. But I soon realised I had nothing to worry about when I received another text 2 minutes later saying "Sorry babe, that text wasn't meant for you." Misunderstanding

#9792

"I was walking through the airport when a female customs officer directed me into a side room for a search. She began searching me and eventually reached my crotch... "Careful" I said, "I don't want you to find my 12 inch concealed weapon" She giggled seductively and carried on the procedure "I told you to stay away" I screamed before pulling the knife from my trousers and stabbing her." Misunderstanding

#9793

"I am very happy today. I have just overheard my parents saying they think I have special knees." Misunderstanding

#9794

"My 5 year old daughter got out of the bath last night, she then came downstairs with her underwear in her hands and said "Daddy, can you put my knickers on?" I replied

"No, they normally get stuck just above my knee." Misunderstanding

#9795

"I turned up at the beach painted blue with red pants and a white hat. I wish I had read that text message more carefully. My mates turned up in swimming trunks ready to go surfing." Misunderstanding

#9796

"We were out having a romantic dinner when my girlfriend said "I've been living with you for three years now, isn't there a question you want to ask me?" "Yeah, when are you moving out?" I asked." Misunderstanding

#9797

"''I got fired from my job as a vet this morning for a spoonerism.'' I said to my mate.

"What's a spoonerism?" He asked. "It's when you mix the first letters of two words up.''

"How could you possibly get fired for that?'' "Long story short, some woman brought in a litter of pups, concerned about the small ones Health. Basically she was a scruffy but capable runt..''" Misunderstanding

#9798

"Sven Goran Eriksonn admits interest in Chelsea managerial Vacancy. Me too mate. I cant wait to find out who their next manager will be." Misunderstanding

#9799

"I was on Countdown and the letters round had finished. I was then asked to submit my answer.

"I've got nine" "Really? Go on then..." "Nine. N,I,N,E" Misunderstanding

#9800

"I was in a really loud nightclub last night when a gorgeous girl came up to me and shouted what sounded like, "Do you fancy Afuq?" I leant over and, with my mouth to her ear said, "I doubt it, with a name like that I'm guessing that she's a filthy Arab"." Misunderstanding

#9801

"Come on in," I said to the neighbour at the front door. "I'd rather not," she said, "I've got dirty feet." "That doesn't matter," I said. "You can keep your shoes on." Misunderstanding

#9802

"I went to visit my Scottish cousin in the summer Holidays. I asked, "What shall we do tomorrow?" He replied, "Do you fancy going to shoot some hoops?" I thought, that's a great idea. I turned up in my Michael Jordan top with my basketball. He turned up in his Rangers top with a gun." Misunderstanding

#9803

"How do you take your coffee?" Asked my mates mum. "I usually drink it" I replied, "But if you've got something more kinky in mind I'm all ears." Misunderstanding

#9804

"I've just seen hundreds of Chinese people queuing up outside the Red Bull factory.

Something about wanting their free jewellery." Misunderstanding

#9805

"On holiday in France, I ran out of batteries for my mp3 player, and so I went to buy some. After trying 6 different shops with no luck,, I eventually arrived at a bar and thought i'd see if they had any. I walked up to the bloke at the bar and said, "Hi, i'm looking for batteries".

"Ah, Oui", he said, "wait here a moment". He went away and came back with another bloke. Then the other bloke comes up to me and says "Bonjour, How can I help?".

"I am looking for batteries" I said. "Oui, I am Patrice" he said," Misunderstanding

#9806

"For ages I've been donating to Help For Heroes in honour of my nephew.

Turns out he works for PC World and his job is soldering." Misunderstanding

#9807

"My wife left me because I made the house into a giant gift. She said I'm not living in the present." Misunderstanding

#9808

"My wife first fell for me when I showed her how good I was in the bedroom department....

....although I think she really just wanted me for my Ikea employee discounts. Misunderstanding

#9809

"I've just had a text from my girlfriend saying she's woken up to a good eight inches this morning. Funny old weather, I only live two roads down and it's hardly even snowing here." Misunderstanding

#9810

"I was at a Family wedding watching my wife going mad on the dance floor when a bloke came over. "Looks like your wife's had a few too many!" he laughed. I laughed too and said, "Yes, well the local bakery had special offers on all pies this week!" Misunderstanding

#9811

When I got back to work after two weeks off with a broken leg, my boss told me that the head of human resources had requested a sick note, so I wrote to him saying that I like fingering dead babies. Misunderstanding

#9812

"My Grandad got a plate in his head during the war. I think the Germans must have ran out of bullets." Misunderstanding

#9813

"I like checking out little girls. Yes, my new job - stamping hands at the exit to Disney Land, is going well." Misunderstanding

#9814

"She said "Harder!" I did that. She said "Faster!" I did that. She said "Deeper!"

I philosophized." Misunderstanding

#9815

"I phoned up my brother to tell him that our parents had decided to move back to Ireland.

"Armagh?", he asked. "Yes.. And our dad too." Misunderstanding

#9816

"I had just come through the front door when my girlfriend came racing up to me and whispered in my ear, "You have something I want.....it's 7 inches long, pink, and in your trousers."

I looked back at her in disgust, and said "Get your own Euromillions ticket you tight cow!" Misunderstanding

#9817

Just joined a gym. When asked what my goals were, I told them I wanted to look like Sylvester Stallone back in his prime. I've since decided to lodge a complaint though after the instructor just held my face against a radiator for half an hour. Misunderstanding

#9818

"Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air." I actually tried this action. It was only after I cut off my hands that I realised I could no longer throw them. Misunderstanding

#9819

"my girlfriend just sent me a text saying "I < 3 U". If i can remember my inequalities correctly,i believe it means "One is less than 3" so i sent a reply saying "I agree" Misunderstanding

#9820

"I was arranging a date with a girl who worked in the army and she asked if I could pick her up at 2200 hours. It's now 91 days and 16 hours later and tonight is my lucky night. Hope she's remembered." Misunderstanding

#9821

"My Brother-in-law told me he was going out for a run in his new car later. How posh is that? A treadmill in your car." Misunderstanding

#9822

"My wife said, "Do you think this red blouse would make me look fat?" "It depends how much of it you eat, I suppose." Misunderstanding

#9823

"I went to the bathroom at Mcdonalds and the sign said "employees must wash hands"

I waited for an hour but no-one came, so I washed my own." Misunderstanding

#9824

"I told my son it was ok for him to take a transformer to school for show and tell.

That was two days ago, and we're still without electricity." Misunderstanding

#9825

"I was sat in this big old room yesterday and saw this lady talking on a phone and she was waving in my direction. So I smiled and waved back at her. She carried on talking on the phone and waved back. So I waved back again.This went on for about five minutes until she scowled at me and walked off. I then had to fork out 5,000 for a manky old vase." Misunderstanding

#9826

"My wife just gave birth, which is great because I always said I wanted a child for 4 years or so.

My wife however, wants to keep it forever." Misunderstanding

#9827

"A guy at work today said that "gullible" wasn't in the dictionary. What an idiot I have just had a look and it is." Misunderstanding

#9828

"I was in the shopping centre car park the other day and I saw this man park in the disabled area. He got out of the car and there was nothing wrong with him. I was so angry that I ran him over!

Then his wife got out and started waving her crutches at me!" Misunderstanding

#9829

"I sent a text to my wife by mistake, luckily it also contained a typo: "I'm on my way to puck up my daughter at the park" I received a text back saying "Okay, but I think you meant *pick..."

That was lucky." Misunderstanding

#9830

"On my first day of work the boss said, "If you have any problems, come to my office and let me know." He was shocked when I popped in shortly after to show him my Genital Warts." Misunderstanding

#9831

"My wife asked me to pick her up after work last night. Apparently, me driving by her office slowly and asking her "How much for a blowie?" was not what she meant." Misunderstanding

#9832

"Last night I pulled a fat chick out of my way, so I could chat-up her fit sister." Misunderstanding

#9833

"Amy Winehouse apparently died after 'battling demons for years'. Awesome way to go, if you ask me." Misunderstanding

#9834

"We told Nan how our lad had grown another foot over the past few months, bless her. She's immediately sent him another knitted sock." Misunderstanding

#9835

"I said to my senile grandad "I'm a black belt in Karate" "Which Dan are you?" He asked.

"Your youngest daughters son!" I replied angrily." Misunderstanding

#9836

"I asked the guy in Blockbuster's if they had that film with Liam Neeson trying to rescue his kidnapped daughter. "It's Taken mate," he said. "Oh.. That's a shame... Will it be back in tomorrow?" Misunderstanding

#9837

"I got my girlfriend a ring with a carrot on for her birthday. She wanted 24 carrots but that just looked stupid." Misunderstanding

#9838

"I saw an old friend today and he told me his first baby was due on the 13th "That's unlucky you know" "What?" He replied "Having to look after a kid" Misunderstanding

#9839

"I was on a dinner date and after finishing our desserts the waiter walked past so I asked for the bill. She said, " Go Dutch." I said, " Ok... Mag ik dan de rekening alstublieft?" Misunderstanding

#9840

"My girlfriend says her mother is feeling lonely so she has invited her round for a roast.

I thought you needed two guys for that but I'll give it a go." Misunderstanding

#9841

"I just flicked onto page three and it made me think about how they used to get them out and play with them, instead of just standing there looking bored. "Tractors Weekly" will never be the same." Misunderstanding

#9842

"What do you call someone with no clue what Irony is? An american.....

Now go on, re-post that fatty!!" Misunderstanding

#9843

"Waiting to board a ferry, a woman collapses and cracks her head on a mooring bollard. As a crowd gathers, her husband stands up and scans the queue. "Help!" he shouts. "Anyone! Is there a doctor here?!" A bloke fights his way forward, "Make way, stand back please. Thankyou" "Thank God!" says her husband.

The bloke crouches down and starts examining the bollard. "Nah you're ok, mate, no damage"

"What sort of doctor are you?" screams the husband at the man.

"Oh sorry, mate" he replies. "Thought you said docker." Misunderstanding

#9844

"My new girlfriend told me that during the first time we make love, I should take her breath away. So just as she climaxed, I suffocated her with a pillow." Misunderstanding

#9845

"I took a girl out to dinner tonight and when we'd finished she said, "I've had a lovely time, let's go Dutch." I replied, "I've had a great time to, but I'm going to go French." She said, "What's French?" It was then I ran away from the restaurant." Misunderstanding

#9846

"One of the girls in the office was flirting with me in the kitchen this morning, but I think I've blown my chances with her. "I bet you've got a nice lunchbox," she said with a wink and cheeky smile. "I have. Want a look?" I said. "Go on then," she said excitedly, checking that no-one else was looking. So I got it out, and judging by her reaction, I don't think He-Man was her favourite cartoon character." Misunderstanding

#9847

"There was a kid on the bus today listening to his ipod whilst playing with his iphone.

The man next to me moaned. " Ohhh, I must be getting old." I said "What with all the new technology?" He replied. "No, it's my 86th birthday tomorrow." Misunderstanding

#9848

"I knocked on my brothers door seeking the couch to sleep on.

He said, " How's this come about?" I said, " She told me she's seeing a therapist."

He said, " So why you here?" " I told her I'm seeing a bar maid." Misunderstanding

#9849

"I'm just going to lay the dining room table," I said to my wife. "OK," she said, "I'll go and straddle the tumble drier for 10 minutes." Misunderstanding

#9850

"'Are you aware of the phrase delusions of grandeur?' 'Yes, since I made it up.'" Misunderstanding

#9851

"I was in the pub yesterday when I shouted out, "I've got a really funny Irish Joke"

However a big Irishman stopped me and said, "Be careful, I'm Irish" So I replied, "Don't worry, I will tell it slowly" Misunderstanding

#9852

"My wife told me our child needs constant supervision. So I've gone and strapped a pair of night-vision binoculars to his face." Misunderstanding

#9853

"BBC Sport: "Oliver fails in 110m hurdles record bid" No wonder, those are some pretty high hurdles..." Misunderstanding

#9854

Got to be hard to take, living in an East London block of flats that has a fully operational ground-to-air missile system and a broken lift Misunderstanding

#9855

"I was shopping for furniture when I noticed a ticket that said "Pull out and save up to 500.

"Surely pulling out saves more then that." I thought to myself" Misunderstanding

#9856

"I saw Cheryl Cole today and told her I was going to destroy her. See just laughed at me.

She won't be when the Sun newspaper print my photo-shopped picture of her laughing at a black down syndrome kid with cancer." Misunderstanding

#9857

"I was talking to a girl in the pub and she told me she a swallower. "Wow..," I said, "Fancy giving me a demo?" She nodded and we went out to her car. Then she handed me the bag of swords." Misunderstanding

#9858

"Why are people so obssessed about the issue of child labour? Surely it would make more sense to tackle the problem of kids getting pregnant in the first place." Misunderstanding

#9859

"I really miss my nan. She was such a wonderful lady. Every day, I walk by her house and reminisce in the fond memories of my childhood. Maybe I should pop in for tea one day and see how she's doing." Misunderstanding

#9860

"My mate said he wanted plenty of action on his birthday. He should like this Die Hard box set I got him then." Misunderstanding

#9861

Diving into the jacuzzi always lands me in hot water. Misunderstanding

#9862

"My daughter has told me her upcoming wedding is going to cost me 10,000. I said, "How can it be costing me anything? I thought I was giving you away?" Misunderstanding

#9863

"A woman asked me to make a donation for the innocent victims of war today.

I gave her a pocket full of shrapnel." Misunderstanding

#9864

"My wife loves her handbags. She's got loads of them, all "designer", for every conceivable occasion. But for some reason, she hates me referring to her as "the Bag Lady"." Misunderstanding

#9865

"I went to visit my parents today for the first time in a while. "How's it going, Mum?" I asked.

"Couldn't be better," she said. "And this may come as quite a shock to you, but we're having a baby." "That is quite a shock," I replied. "But if Dad's fine, I'm up for it." Misunderstanding

#9866

"I went out on a date last night, The girl i took out didn't seem very interested at first, then she said "What do you do for a living?" I said, "I've got my own business, Sell fridges"

She was all over me after that, Women and domestic appliances." Misunderstanding

#9867

"The Murphys are giving their first dinner party in their posh new house. Once most of the guests have left, Mrs. Murphy asks her neighbour if she did everything correctly.

"It was perfect," says the neighbour, "well almost: there were no sugar tongs."

"Sugar tongs?" "Well," says the neighbour, "when the men go to the toilet, very few of them wash their hands after handling their you-know-whats, and then they use their fingers to take sugar lumps from the bowl for their coffee. That's why you need sugar tongs."

Mrs. Murphy takes this advice to heart and after her next dinner party she asks her neighbour once again if she did everything correctly. "It was perfect again," says the neighbour, "but why didn't you follow my advice about the sugar tongs?" "I did," says Mrs. Murphy, "I hung them up right beside the toilet." Misunderstanding

#9868

"A cup of tea is a lot more refreshing than a cool bottle of water on a hot summers day!" Promised one of my friends. "The third degree burns i'm now feeling on my scalp and down my back disagree with you mate" I replied." Misunderstanding

#9869

"The other week I went to a National Birds of Prey centre and saw a variety of hawks, eagles and owls.When we left my girlfriend asked me which bird was my favourite. I said "The one with the mini skirt and nice cleavage" I'm now single" Misunderstanding

#9870

"Just heard the sad news that a friend of mine has died after choking on his own vomit.

Tragic. How desperate must you be to even consider eating your own vomit?" Misunderstanding

#9871

"Mrs. Brown," says the doctor, "what your husband needs for a full recovery is absolute peace and quiet." "See?" says Mrs. Brown. "That's exactly what I tell him a thousand times a day." Misunderstanding

#9872

"Police have thwarted a gangland plot to shoot super-middleweight boxer George Groves in the ring. That'd be a painful way to die." Misunderstanding

#9873

"I was looking for anagrams for the the word nuclear, But exactly what i found was unclear." Misunderstanding

#9874

"Apparently I'm an underachiever. I wish I knew what it meant." Misunderstanding

#9875

"I failed my CB radio practical exam today. The instructor said "Do you copy?"

I said "No, but I've got the answers written on my hand." Misunderstanding

#9876

I just phoned to see if my poor old mum had got home alright from shopping, after today's torrential downpour. My dad answered and said, "Yes, she's just come in absolutely drenched, shall I put her on the line?" I said, "No, let her dry out by the fire." Misunderstanding

#9877

"My Arabic wife was really stressed out from work and wanted try to get stoned one night.

So I took her back to Iran and accused her of cheating on me." Misunderstanding

#9878

"Me and my wife played a fun new game i think it's called 'silly questions' She started with "Darling do you still love me after 10 years of marriage?" I followed up with "Why do you never see a wasp having a dump?" Misunderstanding

#9879

"I went for an interview this afternoon. I was asked "What experience do you have with the subject matter for this role?" I replied "I have a great experience with them and use them on a regular basis for work and pleasure". I never did hear back from the Child Protection Agency.

Or the RSPCA. Or the Old People's Home." Misunderstanding

#9880

"All this AIDS awareness stuff has really worried my nan. Ever since she heard about the dangers of using dirty needles she's been too scared to go near her knitting." Misunderstanding

#9881

"You have a very sick mind." "Yeah," I grinned, "A few people have told me that."

"No. I mean you have an inoperable brain tumour," said the neurosurgeon." Misunderstanding

#9882

With the FIA constantly looking for ways to slow down modern Formula 1 cars, why haven't they tried wrapping hair and fluff around the rear wheel axles? It certainly works on my Scalextric. Misunderstanding

#9883

"The wife had a miscarriage, so i took her to the hospital for a routine check-up.

Sat down next to another distressed looking woman and simply asked

'miscarriage?' 'Yeah, this is my second one now' she replied with a tear in her eye.

'oh.......my wife isn't that careless.' Wasn't the response she wanted to hear." Misunderstanding

#9884

Just started the coast to coast bike ride - there were a few false starts thanks to a guy with an overenthusiastic starting pistol, but we got off in the end.. Misunderstanding

#9885

"My eight year old son came home today he said, "Dad did you do hamlet at school?"

I said, "No son, cigars were to expensive, we smoked Lambert and Butler." Misunderstanding

#9886

"I was about to go and meet my mates in the pub when my girlfriend appeared, naked, and said, "Are you sure you want to go out? I'll let you ride me like a cowboy if you want..."

I smiled and said, "That sounds good to me. I'm gonna go to town on you..."

She was absolutely exhausted afterwards, but I saved twenty quid on a taxi." Misunderstanding

#9887

"I've got this new job working on a farm, and earlier I was standing with a cow looming over me. The farmer then shouted, "Well hurry up and milk it then!"

So I fell to the ground clutching my face." Misunderstanding

#9888

"My mum used to say, "Don't go near the railway line you might get sucked off."

I went down there everyday for eight years and not so much as a hand job." Misunderstanding

#9889

"My black neighbour knocked on my door this morning, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?" He asked. I said, "Don't worry, I'll do it for you." Next morning my neighbour saw me walking into the second hand shop with my mower in hand. "What are you doing?" He asked.

"Oh, is this not what you were going to do?" I replied." Misunderstanding

#9890

"My girlfriend wants to talk about me drawing conclusions too quickly.

Five years we've been together. And now she just throws it all away for this?" Misunderstanding

#9891

"The Physio asked me to show her what I meant when I said I was having problems stretching.

It was about 30 seconds later when I saw the look of horror on her face that I realised physio's don't do tight foreskins." Misunderstanding

#9892 "It was pouring down with rain the other night when the wife said:

"I've run out of tampons, pop down the shop and get me some more will you?"

"Have you looked outside?" I asked. "Why would I?" she said, "if I've got any I keep them in the bathroom." Misunderstanding

#9893

"I heard the ice cream van in the street, the wife jumped up and said "My treat! What do you fancy?" I glanced out of the window then replied "The little blonde with pigtails please" Misunderstanding

#9894

"I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for Christmas. "Something that goes round my finger, thats sparkly and I can show off too my Family and friends" she said,

I think she'll love the LED YOYO I got her." Misunderstanding

#9895

"I don't understand why everyone seems to blame me for the death of that sword swallower-

he told us not to touch him during his act, he never said anything about waving a magnet in front of his neck." Misunderstanding

#9896

"Oh! He's off!" shouted my mate. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well that's his second yellow! That means he's got to be sent off!" he said.

I shook my head, "This is the first time you've watched the Tour de France isn't it?" Misunderstanding

#9897

Just got back from the North Pole. On closer inspection Mum's note says my train set is in the attic. Misunderstanding

#9898

"My girlfriend's expecting a ring on Valentine's. To be honest, it's unlikely.

I'll probably have to take the wife out, so she'll have to be happy with a text." Misunderstanding

#9899

The term 'paedophile' sickens me.. I'm an amateur gynaecologist that specialises in paediatrics Misunderstanding

#9900

"My wife said to me this morning that she would like a bit more adventure in the bedroom.

She's going to be well happy when she gets home later, I've put up an abseiling wall and a zip-line coming off the top of the wardrobe." Misunderstanding

#9901

"My nan has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She said the one thing she wants to do before she dies is go on a cruise. So I took her for one round town, with the windows down in my 1.3 Nova." Misunderstanding

#9902

"'Teen Gang Given 74 Years For Stabbing Death' With a name like that she was asking for it." Misunderstanding

#9903

"Came home and said to my wife with a cheeky wink "Want to see something long and hard? It will keep you going for hours?" "Sure" came the reply with a lick of the lips.

I handed her the guardian crossword and announced "Here, I'm off to the pub. Don't wait up." Misunderstanding

#9904

"A friend told me to lose some weight 'because society judges you if your bones don't stick out'.

... so I walked around town with an erection" Misunderstanding

#9905

"My girlfriend has been missing for two weeks now and yesterday I got the phone call from the police that I'd been dreading, asking me to come down to the morgue with them to identify her body. I was shaking with fear when the mortician pulled back the sheet, but after looking for a minute or two I shook my head and said, "It's not her". "The genetic profile is an exact match Mr Roberts, would you like a couple more minutes to look". "I don't need a couple more minutes, it's definitely not her", I replied, angrily, "I've seen my girlfriend every day for the last three years, don't you think I'd have noticed if she had a big hole in her skull?" Misunderstanding

#9906

"Man found dead in his cell" Great, let's see if he can find Wally now." Misunderstanding

#9907

"The Wife rang me Earlier "Its Ash Wednesday, do you want Fish Fingers later?"

"No" I replied "Can you have a shower first" Misunderstanding

#9908

If someone says 'I love you' and you don't feel the same way, say 'I love YouTube' really fast! Misunderstanding

#9909

"At 79, I'm still making rampant love. I just hope the neighbours at 77 aren't too disturbed." Misunderstanding

#9910

"Indian names aren't always read as they appear. I am now banned from Mr S. Pastik's convenience store." Misunderstanding

#9911

"I was reading the nutritional information on a pack of American oranges. It said "Fat = 0mg".

No wonder they're all obese." Misunderstanding

#9912

"I was washing the car with my son earlier, He didn't make a very good sponge..." Misunderstanding

#9913

"I saw an old lady struggling to get on the coach. "Excuse me," she said, "Could you help me with my case." "Sorry love," I replied, "But I can recommend a good lawyer." Misunderstanding

#9914

"I stood my girlfriend up so I could go to the fairground with my mates. When she found out, she stormed up to me in the rollercoaster queue and screamed. "It's me or the rollercoaster?"

I relpied. "Calm down, can I have one last ride?" "Ok" She snapped.

So, like she agreed, I took her behind the dodgems and rode her." Misunderstanding

#9915

I've realised that the problem with encouraging guys to follow their dreams is that they could get arrested for stalking. Misunderstanding

#9916

"The other day my car kept stalling whenever I went to take off. So I phoned my dad and he asked me what gear I was in. I replied "Just my jeans and t-shirt" Misunderstanding

#9917

Radio Voice: and the two men come together and shake hands ....... now that's what you call a sticky situation Misunderstanding

#9918

"When I was a kid my Mum always used to say "Be a good boy and go and play with all the other children". I can't be blamed for her not telling me when to stop." Misunderstanding

#9919

"Coffee is for Cups See, just doesn't have the same effect does it?" Misunderstanding

#9920 "I was on my half hour dinner break yesterday when this fit blonde piece came up to me she said,"excuse me have you got the time?" I replied,"Sure, I've got about ten minutes." Misunderstanding

#9921

"I met a Nigerian man in the pub last night who told me that he is in charge of the 419.

I didn't believe him though; he looked far too rich to be a bus driver." Misunderstanding

#9922

"You'd make an ideal lesbian" I said to my wife. "Why?" She said, "Is it because I'm a gentile lover?" "No" I replied, "You're fat and have spiky hair." Misunderstanding

#9923

"My mate asked me 'What is your opinion on euthanasia?' 'Well' I said, 'I prefer whites, but a child is a child' I dont think thats what he meant." Misunderstanding

#9924

"Daddy, daddy! What are those wet rings under your armpits?" asked my daughter.

"Well, er.....they're sweat patches darling" I replied. "I had no idea you were trying to quit" Misunderstanding

#9925

I don't get kids today, I mean it's good they've noticed I've have my drive re-tarred but do they have to shout it at me when I'm polishing my Prius? Misunderstanding

#9926

I must be a realy good photographer, All of my friends ask me to take the group photos. Misunderstanding

#9927

"What's the difference between a goth and an emo? A goth wears make up and black clothes, the other used to be found on the end of Rod Hull's arm." Misunderstanding

#9928

Sky Sports News: Katie Price has admitted she has been training all of her life for the Ride her Cup, and was shocked when she found out it was a golf tournament. Misunderstanding

#9929

"I'm on an adult dating website lots of women inbox me after they read my username, 'One foot and proud.' They're all quite shocked when we meet up and see I've got one leg." Misunderstanding

#9930

"I just had my first gym session with a personal trainer, he set my plan for me to squat and then curl.... I failed to understand gym speak and got told to "pick up my mess and leave!" Misunderstanding

#9931

"A girl came up to me in a club and said, "I've just bought a new king-size bed and I need someone to help me test-drive it" Imagine my disappointment when I got back to hers and it wasn't one of those race-car beds." Misunderstanding

#9932

"I have a degree in cooking Another 200+ and I'll be able to bake something." Misunderstanding

#9933

"I was walking down the high street when a guy came up to me.

"Excuse me sir." he said, "I'm doing a survey, would you like to take part?"

I replied, "No thanks, standing around with a clipboard asking questions to strangers isn't really my thing." Misunderstanding

#9934

"I've recently moved with my Family to a new area and thought I'd try some of the local pubs.

I walked in to the Bulls Head and asked the barman, "Are kids allowed in here mate?".

"Yes, until 8pm", he replied. "Great", I said, as I ushered my young goat in, "What about Foals?"." Misunderstanding

#9935

"I was having a bit of trouble with my sleeping arrangements at Glastonbury. When a fit bird dressed in hot pants came over. She asked, "Is this the first time you've pitched a tent?"

I said, "No love, it happens everytime I see a girl in hotpants." Misunderstanding

#9936

"My neighbour came round today: "Alright mate, can I borrow your tubs to do my decorating"

"Of course, she's not very good with a paint brush though" Misunderstanding

#9937

"I saw a black guy running down the road towards me, quickly followed by a group of white men. Thinking fast, I did what any patriotic white man would do and rugby tackled him to the ground. Instead of praising me, the white men were furiously shouting at me ..

.. something about "ruining their marathon" ?" Misunderstanding

#9938

"The girlfriend asked me if I ever thought about having children. Apparentley 'in every position imaginable' was not an appropriate response." Misunderstanding

#9939

"When the girl I've been dating invited me up to her flat for a coffee I thought that my luck was in, but I've never been so disappointed. She only had decaffeinated." Misunderstanding

#9940

"I was on the plane to Spain with my mate, then he showed me his brand new iPhone.

I said, "That must have cost a bomb." I really regret saying that now." Misunderstanding

#9941

"I was driving over a bridge the other day when the wife called. I stopped the car and answered the phone. She said." Hi. Just want make sure you're dropping the kids off?"

I looked at the river below. I said." Sure?" And that is how the Misunderstanding came about." Misunderstanding

#9942

"My wife said she'd like to try swinging. So I hung her." Misunderstanding

#9943

"My wife has left me. We had a huge row about how I didn't support her and her attempts to quit drugs. I probably shouldn't of ended it with ''Take a chill pill!''" Misunderstanding

#9944

"I regularly go to protests and rallies covered in salt, pepper, vinegar or various other herbs and spices. What can I say, I'm a seasoned campaigner." Misunderstanding

#9945

"There's a poster at the bus stop across my street that says, "Keep Calm and Carry On".

I don't think I've seen that one. I wonder if Sid James is in it?" Misunderstanding

#9946\

"An attractive woman came into my bank today with financial issues.

"I really want to get you alone" I smirked, as I told her to follow me.

But after I took her out back and started to feel her up, I realised she was just looking for a loan." Misunderstanding

#9947

"My mate asked me if I fancied doing a bit of early morning poaching. I got round to his this morning with all my fishing gear, and he's just sat there in his kitchen with a pan of boiling water and half a dozen eggs." Misunderstanding

#9948

"I was walking down the street when a tramp came up to me and asked if I had 10p for a cup of coffee. I replied "Here's 20. get me one." Misunderstanding

#9949

My mum was impressed with my newly completed bathroom, but suggested I get a toilet brush? I'm not so sure.. having used it for the first time today, I can honestly say I prefer toilet paper. Misunderstanding

#9950

"A little boy goes to his dad and says, "Dad, can I ask you a question?"

His father replies, "Sure, son. What is it?" The little boy says "What's a Manager?"

"Well," the father began "a manager is someone who makes important decisions at work, who helps others learn and develop and who takes the flack when things go wrong. Why do you ask son?" "When Uncle Tony and Uncle Andrew were round yesterday I heard them talking." The young lad says. "They said that Mum is a bit of a handful for one man, but together they could probably manager." Misunderstanding

#9951

"The wife just text me, "Why don't you book next week off work and have a holiday"

"Are you sure? ,What about the kids?" I texted back. "It's ok, you need a break, my mums having them" she replied. "Brilliant, I'll see if the lads are up for golf somewere sunny. Enjoy whatever you get up too whilst I'm away x" Misunderstanding

#9952

"We're going to Majorca," I said to my wife, "I've just booked it with Thomas Cook."

"Fantastic," she smiled, "So when are we going?"

"You're staying here love, me and Thomas fly out next Friday." Misunderstanding

#9953

"Woman: Oh my god, I love your hair! Me: Thanks, I grew it myself.

Then I calmly pulled up my trousers and went about my day." Misunderstanding

#9954

"My 18 month old son has discovered the joys of chocolate but can only call it 'coc'.

Got some funny looks in the newsagents today, when he was screaming out for some and I replied to his cries, " Son, you're going to have to wait. I'll give you some coc when we get home." Misunderstanding

#9955

"When I was in the supermarket yesterday I saw a sign saying, "If every Sainsbury's customer recycled their cereal box, 750 tonnes of cardboard would be re-used every year. That's the equivalent to 101 double decker buses." It made me realise that I need to make some significant changes to my lifestyle. Starting by not using buses anymore now that I've found out that they're made from re-used cardboard." Misunderstanding

#9956

I went to the local A.A. meeting earlier. After sitting there for a couple of hours, I thought to myself "I wish these people would stop crying about alcohol so I can get around to fixing my cracked fuel manifold gasket." Misunderstanding

#9957

"The wife told me earlier that I was small in the trouser department.

I think she'll find my inside leg is an average size actually." Misunderstanding

#9958

"The wife said she wished I was more spontaneous. She soon changed her mind when I launched the TV out of the window during Emmerdale." Misunderstanding

#9959

"I was on the motorway when I saw a sign that said, "Don't drink and drive!"

So, I pulled over on the hard shoulder and died from dehydration." Misunderstanding

#9960

"My Nan asked me to take her shopping today. I was always brought up to respect your elders, so I grabbed her trolley and legged it." Misunderstanding

#9961

"I went into the 'Psychics' tent at the fair.

After an hour long lecture on thermodynamics, I wished I'd read the sign more carefully." Misunderstanding

#9962

"Saw this really fit bird on the train last night, I asked if she was single.

She said no, I'm return." Misunderstanding

#9963

"BBC news: Prince welcomes Queen to RAF base I didn't realise the RAF were so into their musicians" Misunderstanding

#9964

I couldn't find the milk this morning, so I glued a picture of it to a child. Misunderstanding

#9965

"After examining the wife thoroughly, the doctor said: "Come back in three weeks and bring your faeces, please." Three weeks later, I was dropping her off at the doctor's just before her appointment: "Well, good luck, Babe," I said. "I'm sure everything'll be fine. By the way, what's in the suitcases?" Misunderstanding

#9966

"Took my son out camping for the first time and entrusted him to just pack the bare necessities.

Now we're stuck here for two days with nothing but honey and berries." Misunderstanding

#9967

"My boss said to me today "You can't bring your dog in to work"

I told him "It's not actually going to do any work" Misunderstanding

#9968

"A guy goes up to a kiosk: "I need something for a cough." "Tipped, non-tipped or roll-ups?" Misunderstanding

#9969

"I got on a bus last night. The female conductor said, "Hold very tight please."

... I'm due in court next month." Misunderstanding

#9970

"My sister had a baby yesterday so I went to Clintons this morning to get her a card.

"Did she have a girl or a boy?" asked the girl behind the counter. "Of course she did." I replied." Misunderstanding

#9971

"How can we take our relationship to the next level?" I asked my new girlfriend.

"Meet the parents?" she suggested. That's why I think I've fallen for her, I'd never have thought of just watching a DVD." Misunderstanding

#9972

It didn't turn out as expected when my boss told me I was going to be his right-hand man. Misunderstanding

#9973

"I said to the wife, "my mate covers so much ground on the football pitch."

"Full of energy is he?" she asked. "Nah" I said, "he's 19 stone." Misunderstanding

#9974

"I hate playing hide and seek with little children. You've always got to pretend you can't see them. But my niece found a great place. I'll give her a few more minutes at the bottom of the swimming pool before I go and act all surprised." Misunderstanding

#9975

"After the service on Sunday, the vicar atmy church said, "Please give all you can on your way out, coins are helpful but notes are especially welcome". I was going to chuck in a couple of quid but I whistled a tune on my way out instead." Misunderstanding

#9976

"my teacher ether loves me or he's a peado. he keeps putting kisses next to my work." Misunderstanding

#9977

"My wife said she's leaving me cause I never believe a word she says

She'll never leave me" Misunderstanding

#9978

"My girlfriend told me I could 'smash her back door in' yesterday. Apparently I misunderstood.. and now her parents are charging me for criminal damage" Misunderstanding

#9979

The doctor just told me I have HIV. Didn't realise I was allowed to drive long distance lorries. Misunderstanding

#9980

"I was walking down the street and a driver pulled over and asked me if I knew where Effingham was. Was" Next to the effing bacon" the wrong answer?" Misunderstanding

#9981

"I was doing a crossword puzzle the other day and one of the clues read: "A child molester." The word was five letters long, started with a P and ended with an O. Now how did the The Times know my name was Pedro?" Misunderstanding

#9982

"What happened this summer has cost the city of Manchester millions, and has ruined the city's proud reputation.... The signing of David De Gea." Misunderstanding

#9983

"I'm taking the missus to see Dr Hook at the weekend." "Blimey.. I didn't know they were still going." "What? Oh, not the rock group... It's what I call the guy who works at the Abortion Clinic." Misunderstanding

#9984

"My girlfiend just text me "I'll be having words with you later." Brilliant! I love Alphabetti spaghetti." Misunderstanding

#9985

"I turned to my mate and said, "You know, there should be a World Bacon Day."

"That's brilliant!" He said, "It'd be like having two Christmases in one year!"

"I know, something else those filthy Jews can't celebrate." Misunderstanding

#9986

"I for one am against plans to ban Muslim women from wearing the Burka in Britain.

But then, I am a huge Star Wars fan." Misunderstanding

#9987

I was nervous at first. It was big & long and went straight up. I had to try it...I eased myself onto it and I liked it. I went up and down, up and down. I love escalators now! Misunderstanding

#9988

"I met a gorgeous girl at a club last night. After a few drinks we got to know each other quite well. At the end of the night, instead of exchanging numbers, she said "Facebook me", and smiled.} So I hit her in the eye with my Oxford Pocket Dictionary." Misunderstanding

#9989

"I'm moving house this morning so I've just nipped to Tesco... I'm glad I did 'cause the cashier politely asked if I'd like help with my packing." Misunderstanding

#9990

"To earn some extra money this weekend I went stripping in a pub. I turned up wearing a cowboy hat, leather chaps and a sequined thong. I had a great time, although there was some funny looks from the other painters doing the refurbishment." Misunderstanding

#9991

"My girlfriend text me before, saying, "I think I have got a Sti" I said, "I am so sorry, I cheated on you, I have one too" Just as I pressed send, another one came through, "Sorry, didn't know how to spell it" She said, "That was meant to say Stye" Misunderstanding

#9992

"My new boss has told me I need to take a drugs test in the morning. I'm hoping it'll be heroin, it's meant to be wicked." Misunderstanding

#9993

"A dating agency forwarded me the phone number of a girl for a blind date. I decided to give her a call... "Hi," I said, "It's Joe Whitehouse, the dating agency gave me your number. Would you like to go for a meal this week?" "Great!" She replied "Do you like Indian food?" I asked. "No" She replied, "I'm a Chinese girl" "Really?" I asked, "You sound British to me." Misunderstanding

#9994

"My wife suggested today that we get our daughter Christened and I couldn't be more pleased.

I'm not religious at all, I just remember what happened when she suggested we Christen the new settee." Misunderstanding

#9995

"I got chatting to a girl in the pub. She said, "Are you coming on to me?" I said, "Don't think so love. My flies are closed." Misunderstanding

#9996

"I'd studied the form at Ascot and confidently walked up to the bookmaker with my money in my hand. "Forty pounds on Fame and Glory in the Gold Cup," I said. "This is your first time at Ladies' Day isn't it?" he asked. "Er...yeah. Why?" "Because it's usually just the women who wear a fancy dress and big hat." Misunderstanding

#9997

"I'm going on safari in Africa." "Kenya?" "Course I can. What's to stop me?" Misunderstanding

#9998

"My girlfriend asked me to say something dirty to her in bed the other night.

Apparently "make like my fungal infection and spread" isn't what she had in mind." Misunderstanding

#9999

"My housework-challenged husband wanted to wash his sweatshirt. He shouted to me "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "What does it say on your shirt?" I called back.

He yelled "University of Cambridge." Misunderstanding

#10000

"BIG BROTHER:

Davina: "Ok, we're just heading back to the house for our last ever instalment of celebrity big brother, so have your tissues at the ready."

Imagine my disapointment when it didn't cut to Stephanie Beacham getting spit-roasted by Vinnie and Dane. That's the last time I listen to Davina." Misunderstanding
