 
Tattered Hearts...

and Mind

Written by: REAN

Tattered Hearts...and Minds

REAN

Published by Sherika Roberts at Smashwords

Copyright 2013

Discover other titles by REAN at Smashwords.com:

Innocence of the Innocent

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free ebook. Although this is a free book, it remains the

copyrighted property of the author, and may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for

commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage

your friends to download their own copy at Smashwords.com, where they can also

discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.

***Dedicated to all the children who just want to be loved***

Akira

I'm going to have a baby! I'm so excited!!! First things first...how are you going to get pregnant Akira? I mean, I know how to get pregnant. Well, I know the basics...and I'll figure out the rest later. Anyway, the most important thing I have to figure out is who the daddy's going to be. And I'll have to get a job...and then a house...wow...this may be little more difficult than I thought! _And_ I'll have to learn how to take care of a baby...but that one should be pretty easy...I mean come on...it can't be that hard to take care of a little bitty baby. People do it all the time and they make it look pretty easy.

Okay...well, technically I do have a house...even though I don't own it. The point is, I have a roof over my head. And I can easily get a job...but I may have to wait a year or two. Nobody hires pregnant women...I guess it's too much trouble. No worries though, I would prefer to stay at home with the baby until he or she is old enough to go to daycare. I wonder how old babies have to be to go to daycare. I don't know...I'll look it up on the internet in a little while. I still have a while to figure out all of that anyway. Maybe I need to write all of this down so I don't forget anything. I'm going to have a baby! I'm so excited!!!

"Baby, come here for a minute!!!" Hearing my summons, I quickly jump from my bed and run downstairs. "What do you want to eat for dinner?"

"Spaghetti!"

"I was thinking we could go out and get something to eat."

"Oh...well we can. I just have to tell Tianna. Can she come with us?"

"Maybe next time...I want to talk to you about something."

"What did I do this time?"

"Nothing...I just need to talk to you about some things and I thought it would be best if we spent some time away from the house. Just us two...and without the kids."

"Ok." Returning to my room I tell Tianna that we're going out for dinner and that she's welcome to go next time.

Tianna and I are best friends and have been since the day we met seven years ago. We're like twins... _all_ of our free time is spent together and we share all of our secrets, fears, and dreams. She's the one person that I know that I can trust with any and everything and she's the same way with me.

Tianna's one of those people that when she enters a room, she instantly lightens the mood _and_ becomes the center of attention. She's always in good spirits, ready to fight at the drop of the hate for anyone she loves, and is loyal to the core. Most of the time when we meet people, they're shocked that we're even friends, because we're total opposites...I'm the quiet type. I prefer to keep the attention off of me, but that's kind of hard to do since we're pretty much glued to each other. And fighting...please! I think the last time I got into _any_ kind of fight, physical or verbal, was in elementary school! Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing soft about me. If it comes to it and I have to fight...it is what it is and I _will_ go hard! But I prefer not to. I try to treat people how I want to be treated, and I try to watch my mouth to not make anyone mad or hurt their feelings. That's just how my Mama raised me. But according to Tianna, I'm "a good two shoes." Maybe I am but hey, it's gotten me this far in life and if I must say, I have a pretty damn good life right now.

"Okay girl...I'll see you tomorrow. Call me later if ya'll get back early. Have fun!"

"Okay...I'll walk you to the door." As I close the door behind Tianna, I return to the living room and announce, "I'm ready when you are."

"Okay. Let's go." We both kiss and hug the twins good-bye and tell our nanny Erica bye as well. The twins are almost two years old and I love them to death! I always thought that little kids were annoying but after the twins were born I fell in love. I'm still not too fond of other's people's kids, especially when they're crying and screaming for no reason, but Amari and Amani never do that. They're good kids...they hardly ever cry and they don't do things like having a fit in the grocery store like other kids you see. I can honestly say that nothing they do bothers me. They're perfect in my eyes!

"So, where are we going?" I ask from the passenger seat of our new truck. I've always fantasized about having a truck so big that I would literally have to climb in it. I think I like the fact that if you want to drive over curbs or through ditches, you can do it with a truck like this and not worry about getting stuck.

"It's a surprise. How was your day?"

"It was okay...nothing special...how about yours?"

"Work was good...no major problems but I'm glad that it's the weekend though. I'm ready to spend time with my family!"

"Awww so sentimental....you're going to make me sick." We both laugh, as I joke. "So what did you want to talk about?"

"Let's wait until we get to the restaurant."

"Ok." I'm eager to know what the secret is. As we drive to our secret destination, I rack my brain trying to think of what I could have done or what the problem may be. I can't think of anything out of the ordinary. I begin to drift off trying to come up with a strategy for my new plan.

"We're here."

Looking up, I didn't even realize that I'd gotten lost in my thoughts and we've already arrived at my favorite restaurant. Yes! I thought I had done something wrong but now that we've gotten here, I guess I did something really right to get this special treatment. "What's the special occasion?"

"Nothing baby...I told you, I just want us to have some time alone."

We enter and the waitress leads us to our table. Typically I like to sit at the bar and eat, but she seats us in a booth by the window. I don't like sitting by the window because it's always too cold and I hate being cold. But, when I'm stressed or just need to think, my favorite thing to do is to just stare out of a window and watch the cars pass by wondering where they're going. As each car passes, my stress, anger, depression, or whatever seems to just fade away. But I absolutely hate sitting by the windows in restaurants! Had I been a fortune teller, I would have known that us being seated by the window was a bad sign, but I didn't realize it until halfway through out meal when I got those dreaded words.

"So....I wanted to talk to you about..."

"Yeah?"

"Ok...this is going to be a little difficult but I don't want you to freak out and I need you to be very open-minded, ok?"

"Umm ok...what is it?"

"I wanted to talk to you about...some changes that are going to be happening pretty soon."

Oh shit...I know this isn't what I think it is! Please Lord don't let this be happening! "Can we wait until we get home to talk about this. I don't think this is the best time." I say, hoping that that will stop the conversation. I look around the restaurant and make a motion to show other people are around and that such a sensitive subject shouldn't be spoken in public.

The second "sign" I should've seen that this dinner was not going to be what I expected was that all the patrons in the restaurant seemed to be avoiding us like the plague. Everyone was either seated at the bar, that seemed to be a half a mile away from us, or at tables beside the bar...we were isolated. Not one person in the whole damn restaurant was close enough to us to hear us...even if we screamed!

"No one's sitting close enough to hear what we're talking about. Plus, I've been putting this off long enough."

Shit, shit, shit....not today! My palms begin to sweat and I lift my right hand from the table to rub it on my thigh to wipe away the moisture. When I lift my hand, I see that where my hand was on the table has left a sweaty hand print. Shoo...we haven't even started talking and my nerves are already getting bad. I'm getting more and more anxious by the minute, and my adrenaline is rushing through my body. I can feel my face burning from my blood pressure rising! Unwrapping my silverware, I take the napkin and wipe the sweat from my hands and forehead and take off my jacket. "Whoo, I just got hot all of a sudden!"

"Oh stop being so dramatic...you don't even know what I'm going to say."

"Yes I do and if you say it, I promise, I will die right here. Please let's wait until we get home."

"No...we have to talk about this now..." Dropping my head on the table: it causes a loud thud. Damn that hurt! I really didn't mean to do it that hard, it was supposed to be just for dramatic effect, but I hit it too hard and now the damn thing is throbbing. I know, once I lift my head I'm going to have a huge knot on it...or at least a red mark. "Get up! People are looking over here. Stop it right now!"

Before I can lift my head, I hear the waitress say, "Is everything okay? Do you need me to call 911?"

"No...we're fine."

I lift my head and dramatically say, "Yes! I'm dying...please call 911!" I guess the bitch didn't believe me, because she laughed at me and left saying to call her if we needed anything. I should've tripped her when she walked away!

"I'm going to kill you...stop being dramatic! We're going to talk about this and that's the end of it."

"Fine..."

"I know you're getting older and you see things are changing...and I wanted to just tell you what's going on."

"I know Mama...I'm going through puberty, getting boobs and stuff, but please stop embarrassing me and let's not do this here."

Yes, my mother! I guess I should back up and explain a little. I'm Akira and the lady sitting across from me is my mother Alyssa. Apparently, she felt the need to trick me by taking me to my favorite restaurant and embarrassing me in front of all these people. I knew eventually she would give me the sex talk but I didn't think it would be today. Every since I started getting boobs, she always telling me about making sure I'm covered up and constantly asking about if there's any boys at my school that I like. I have a really good relationship with my mom and tell her everything...she's almost my best friend. She's not like the mom's the kids at my school talk about. They always say their moms are mean, won't let them do things, smothers them...things like that but my mom's not like that, she's pretty cool. She's always nice to everyone and if she see's someone upset, she does everything she can to make them feel better. Sometimes she does get mad, but she never yells. She's pretty much always calm. Honestly, I think my mom is probably the best mom in the world which is why I consider her _almost_ my best friend.

"But that's not all. Yes the physical changes are happening but there's some stuff inside of you going on and that's the scary stuff...for me it is." What stuff going on inside? Now she's got me curious. "You have hormones raging through your body right now, which is what's causing the physical changes, but there's also some changes that going to happen inside that will be coming soon and I want you to be prepared for that."

"Like what?"

"Well you're going to start feeling differently...when you look at people, when you talk to people, when you're touched."

"Whoa, now lady! There is no touching. I'm not having sex." Okay, I know it's hard to believe a teenager not having sex, but I was being honest when I said there's no touching going on. I've never done anything with a boy...not even kissed a boy....and I'm 12 years old! There's some girls at my school who've already slept with lots of boys, but I haven't even kissed a boy...yet. Which reminds me that I have a goal...now that I think about it....maybe this little talk can help me out with my goal.

A look of relief washes over my mother's face and she says "Good!"

"Honestly Mama, I don't even know what sex is." She looks at me and I can tell if she is trying to see if I'm telling the truth. Mama knows I've never lied to her. Now don't get me wrong, I have left out things and not told her things that I've done, but I'm always truthful with her...when she asks. I'm not sure why she hasn't said anything about all this before, but since she brought it up; I have to take this opportunity. She's made this just too perfect! I put on my most innocent face and ask, "How do you have sex?"

Shocked she say, "Wait a minute! We'll get to that later...maybe years later, but for now you just don't try it. Let me explain the changes first so that you will be ready."

It was actually a pretty informative lesson and I think she was more uncomfortable with talking about it than I was. I made sure that I listened to _everything_ she said and stored it in my brain, because all of it was going to be put to good use...very soon.

The most important thing I learned is that something called a cycle will let me know when I can start having babies. I'm kind of glad we're having this conversation because I didn't even know that a cycle had to tell you before you could have a baby. I'm still not 100% sure how I'm going to know that my cycle has told me yet but she said it should be soon. Now, I know I'm not the smartest person in the world, and Mama knows it too, but I still don't want to look dumb in front of her, so I don't ask the question that's burning me inside. If I don't hear from my cycle soon; I guess I'll ask her then.

***

We're headed back in the house and I stop Mama before we get all the way inside because I still don't know how to have sex. I know she doesn't want to tell me but I have to find out. "Mama, I do have one more question."

Sitting on the stairs, Mama grabs my hand and pulls me down beside her. Rubbing my hand and looking at my friendship ring that Tianna gave me, she says, "I know what you're going to ask."

"Please tell me. I'm going to find out one day anyway."

"I know baby but I would rather that day be twenty years from now when you're on your honeymoon...and maybe not even then."

Laughing I squeal, "Mama! I'm growing up, you have to let me. At least I'm asking you and not the kids at school. You know, most of my friends have already had sex and they do all kinds of stuff with each other but I haven't. That has to mean something right?"

"Yeah...it means you're a good girl. But I'm not ready."

"Mama, it's not about you being ready. It's about me being ready to grow up and it's your job to teach me." Yeah, I know that was a dirty shot, but oh well. I'm not trying to make her feel guilty, but she has to tell me how so that I can have a baby.

"You're right Akira. But sex is something you have to be sure you're ready for and you're definitely not at that point yet..."

"I know all that Mama, I just want to knowhow."

"Why does it matter so much Akira?" She looks at me with desperate eyes. "Do you plan on having sex soon?"

Shit...I didn't expect her to ask me that! I should have just kept my mouth shut and found out on my own. Too late now. Okay, think Akira! You're not going to lie to her...you haven't before and you're not going to start now...but you can't tell her yes either. "No...I just don't know what it is." Technically, it wasn't a lie because I have to wait for the cycle to tell me that I can have a baby and I don't even know when that'll be. I wonder if my cycle will send me a letter in the mail, or a text or something to let me know. If I don't get it soon, I'll ask Mama then.

""Let me think about it for a few days and I'll let you know then."

"Why do you have to wait to tell me about it? If you're going to tell me in a few days, you might as well just tell me now."

"Because I don't think you're ready for that yet."

"Ok."

"Do you have any more questions?"

I do have one more question but I don't want her to think I'm dumb. Like I said, if I don't hear from my cycle soon, I'll ask her how I'll know...but then again, she seems to be getting suspicious. But maybe Tianna will know! "No ma'am."

Alyssa

"Hey babe!"

"Hey sweetie."

"Did you and Akira have a nice dinner? You should have told me ya'll were going, I would have went with ya'll." My husband Paul tells says.

"Yeah it was good...but I'm sure you wouldn't have wanted to go."

"Why not?"

"Because we had 'the talk'."

"Whoa! Gross!"

"Shut up. You know it's something that needed to be done. Have you seen her body lately?"

"Alyssa! I don't look at her like that!"

"I know that, I'm just saying...it's hard to miss how she's changing."

"Well I missed it. I can't believe you would say that!"

"Oh please...you act like I accused you of something! I'm just saying that she's gone through some _very_ noticeable changes and she's blossoming into a young woman."

"Alyssa I swear if you don't stop talking I'm going kill you." Paul says as he playfully tackles me onto the bed. Straddling me, he looks down at me smiling, but suddenly gets a solemn face.

"What is it baby?" I ask.

Rolling off of me and staring up at the ceiling he says, "Alyssa, this is the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. I mean, we all have our battles in life, but I just don't know what to do...I don't know if I can do this babe."

"Do what?"

"This teenage shit! Alyssa, Akira is my daughter; not being her biological father doesn't mean shit to me. Even when people look at me crazy when we're together, because they're probably thinking 'what is that white man doing with that black child?' It doesn't bother me. In my heart I know she's mine. Hell, they probably think I'm a pervert or something, but I don't care about all of that. I can deal with that stuff, because I'm proud when I'm out with Akira...but this I can't do. Now she has breasts and she's starting to look like a woman...and then there's going to be boys...I can't deal with that! I love you and all _three_ of my kids with all my heart. I don't want to leave you and be put in jail for killing somebody's son.

"Oh Lord Paul...you're being so dramatic. This was bound to happen eventually."

"I know that but it's too soon! It seems like yesterday that she was my baby and now she growing into a woman."

Sitting up on the bed, I look at Paul and he has tears in his eyes. Now let me explain something...my husband doesn't cry! We've been married 7 years and I've only seen him cry once and that was when his grandmother died. He didn't even cry when the twins were born! This day has been a little too much for me! I wipe away the tears that have rolled down the side of his face and tell him, "Babe, it's not the end of the world. She's just growing up. Akira's a good girl...she has a good head on her shoulders and she knows right from wrong. We've raised her right and she'll make the right decisions when the time comes but it's up to us to make sure we instill in her the importance of her waiting."

"I know you're right but it still doesn't make me feel any better." He pouts and says to me, "she's smart like her Mama, she'll do fine right?"

I laugh a hearty laugh saying, "Well some statistics suggest that fathers have the most influence in a child's life." We both know that Akira is not the brightest child in the world and secretly we joke about it. Honestly I think my baby is perfect just the way she is...she's just a little goofy at times.

We're the type of family that jokes about everything. We have to or we won't survive. Our family may be one of the most difficult combinations there is. We've had many, many incidents where we've been targeted because we're an interracial couple. And to top it off, Paul, a white man from the deep south, married a single black mother. His family was really excited about that one! And the last kicker was our unique offspring, one black child and two biracial children. I think we tried to break every stereotype there is when we started our family. So, as a family, we try to make light of the trials and tribulations we've been through. We've learned to accept who we are because we can't make others change their views.

But of course, we don't outright tell any one of our children that they're dumb or stupid; but occasionally, we will joke with Akira that she's a little "goofy" at times. I'm a strong believer that we as parents have to encourage our children and build them up as much as possible...and we do that. But at the same time, as a mother, I can't raise Akira to think that one day she can the next president, because we all know that that is just a lie. I have to be realistic with her because once she's in the real world, the same thing will be told to her, only without the love and compassion a mother can give to her and still leave her self-esteem intact.

"I wholeheartedly agree babe, she gets her brains from me." Paul says as we laugh.

We lie there for a few more minutes and cuddle, because soon we'll have to start getting our troop ready for bed. Fridays are usually the only nights we get to stay up late, because Saturday nights we have to get in bed early for church. We're sticklers for attending church every Sunday morning, no matter what! The only exception is if the church burns down...then we can stay home. Typically on Fridays, like tonight, we rush the kids to bed early since the fun can't start until they're asleep' but both of us are either too tired or too lazy to get up.

Unknowingly, I begin to drift off to sleep until I hear Akira say, "Can Tianna stay over here this weekend?"

"Didn't she just stay last weekend?" Paul asks. "If she's going to be here every weekend she's going to have to start buying groceries."

"Daddy!!!"

Hitting Paul in the chest to stop her from teasing him I tell Akira, "She can stay tomorrow and go to church with us Sunday. I'm too tired to go get her tonight."

"Daddy, will you go get Tianna?" Akira asks in her sly way. She's always had Paul wrapped around her finger and he'll do anything the girl says as long as she bats her eyes at him.

Stammering, he looks at me because he knows he's been set up. Paul and _Akira_ both know that he has no say-so whatsoever in who stays overnight because he won't be the one dealing with them. Tianna is really the only friend Akira's has had over in the past few years but when she does come, I'm the one who has to run them all over town and cater to them. Paul's a good dad and he has no problem taking them places, but spending all day with them and their non-stop chattering works his nerves. Some days he can tolerate them and the twins long enough for me to run an errand,, but nine times out of ten, if I leave the house, I have to take two of the four with me.

"It's up to your mother Akira." Poor baby, he tries to be diplomatic about it and back me up, no answer he gives would be the right one. It was a loaded question to begin with...sometimes I think Akira is really smarter than she pretends to be. But him saying it's up to me makes me the bad guy if I say no!

"Please Mama?!?! Daddy will pick Tianna up if you let her stay tonight."

"Yeah she can stay." I say and she runs out the room, probably to tell Tianna she can stay. I pinch Paul saying, "Thanks for nothing."

"What babe? I didn't know what else to say."

"Well you could have said no since I had already said no."

"I thought you said no because you were tired. You wouldn't have to pick her up if I was going to."

"You just have her spoiled. She could get away with murder if it were up to you."

"Come on Alyssa, you know there's no such thing as spoiling a child and you're damn right she could get away with murder with me. My baby wouldn't do anything to hurt anybody."

"You know what I mean. You let her get away with too much." Getting up to get the twins ready for bed I say, "I don't care though because I'm going to sleep and you have to go out in the cold and drive all the way across town since you said yes."

"Tianna just lives down the street...it's not all the way across town."

"I know where she lives but you have to go and get them some snacks and movies like every other weekend. And while you're out, you might as well get the grocery list and let them help you get the groceries since you'll already be there."

"Shit...I forgot about getting them snacks! Baby you sure you don't want to go?"

"Nope. You're the sucker...so you have to go...I'm going to bed."

"The hell you are." Paul says and pulls me back to the bed, jumping on top of me. "If I'm going to get groceries at this time of night, I'm going to be getting my own treats tonight."

"You are so nasty!" I squeal as Paul nibbles on my neck.

"Ewww. Stop it...you're gonna make me throw up." Akira says from the doorway.

Hopping off the bed Paul say, "Oh hush. You should be _thanking_ me for letting Tianna stay over tonight rather than harassing me. You owe me."

"I won't have to owe you because you guys are going to have sex tonight." Akira says with a smile as big as her face and walks away.

Stunned, Paul and I look at one another and don't know what to say. "What???" is all Paul can sputter out.

"She scares me Paul." I say....maybe we shouldn't have had our talk so soon because it seems like she's now obsessed with sex.

"Hell me too!" He says and walks out the door scratching his head, which is his stress reliever when he gets nervous.

Akira

After we helped my dad put up groceries, Tianna and I make a bag of popcorn and sit in the living room watching a movie. The movie was boring because my dad won't let us get any movies that are rated PG13 or higher. I really don't even know what the rating stand for but I guess since I'm not thirteen yet, I can't watch it. Tianna and I were throwing popcorn at each other and trying to catch it in our mouths but I missed a piece and it hit me in my eye. "I don't want to play anymore. That shit hurt!" I say while trying to get the salt out of my eye.

"Well what do you want to do? This movie is boring."

"I don't know. But let's do something fun."

"Like what?"

I think for a minute, not knowing what we could do and I get a thought. "Did you bring your phone?"

"Of course! You know I don't go anywhere without my phone."

"Where is it? Let me see it."

"Its in your room. Let me go get it." She says and runs upstairs.

"Stop running!" I hear Mama yell and I laugh as Tianna slows down into a fast walk.

She's so funny sometimes! For some reason, she's terrified of my mom. She thinks she's too nice and says that nice people are the ones you have to watch because they'll "get you" and you won't even know it. I don't know what she means by that but I know my mom wouldn't do anything to hurt her. She's just nice to people like that. I think Tianna gets suspicious of people who are nice to her because no one at her house is nice to her. Her mother and grandmother are always yelling at her and hitting her, which is why I ask my mom if she can stay with us every weekend.

One time, Tianna told me that she didn't get to eat a whole weekend because they didn't have any food. My mom has never told me I can't go to Tianna's house, but I don't like to go because it makes me sad when I'm there. So, most of the time I keep Tianna at my house so she won't have to go home and deal with her family. Tianna is like the sister I never had. I mean, I have a sister but she's too little to talk to.

Tianna comes back down the stairs and starts running as soon as she hits the living room floor. "Your mama yelled at me and I almost shit myself."

"She didn't yell at you, she just yelled to stop running."

"She's scary Ky...I can tell she don't like me."

"My Mama likes you, you're just paranoid. She's never done anything to you for you to say she doesn't like you."

"Who doesn't like you Tianna?" My mother says.

We both jumped because we didn't hear her come down the stairs. Tianna is staring at me with her mouth open...I guess she's wondering the same thing I am...how much did Mama hear?

"Uh...uh...."

Mama comes around the couch and passes right by me and sits so close to Tianna that I'm sure the drop of drool that hanging off her lip is going to fall on Mama's leg. "Who doesn't like you Tianna?"

I can only see one of Tianna's eyes past Mama's head but I _can_ see that she's tearing up like she's going to cry. I have no idea why Tianna is so afraid of my Mama. Before the tear can drop I grab Mama in a hug from the back and tell her. "Mama you're embarrassing me...it's girl talk...you're not a girl."

Mama pats my arm and sings, "I am a girl and I wasn't talking to you _Ky_." I've never had a nickname and only Tianna calls me Ky, but I can tell Mama doesn't like it by the way she said it.

"No, you're not Mama...you're a woman...not a girl."

"Women and girls are the same Akira." She sings again.

"Dang Mama, I didn't want to say it! It's because you're too old." Mama pushes my arms off of her and gets up. Good...now she'll leave.

"Akira, I am not old. I'm mature. And since you think I'm old Tianna is my favorite daughter now." Mama says and sits behind Tianna on the couch and wraps her arms around her like I did to Mama. Tianna looks like she's about to have a heart attack and pass out right now.

"Mama!!!" I whine to get her to leave us alone. Tianna is begging me with her eyes to help her and I have to fight with myself to keep from laughing. It's hilarious to me that she is terrified of my mother. Tianna's so crazy!

"Fine. I know when I'm not wanted. Bye my favorite daughter." Mama says and kisses Tianna on the check. She comes to me and kisses my check and says, "Good night my former favorite daughter."

Tianna sits as stiff as a statue until Mama comes out of the kitchen and goes back upstairs. As soon as we hear the door close to the bedroom, Tianna falls onto the floor. Laughing I say, "Ty get up off the floor."

"I can't. I'm dead."

"You are so stupid! Why are you dead?"

"Your Mama killed me."

Laughing louder I say, "How did she kill you?"

"She scared me to death."

"Well you better get up because I think she's coming back." I say. Ty jumps from the floor onto the couch and is almost in my lap. "Get off of me fool." I laugh harder. "I was just kidding. I knew you would get up when I said that."

"You're mean Ky. That was just wrong."

"You're wrong for doing that. You know my Mama loves you."

"Yeah she does." She says with a devilish grin. "I think I felt a little tongue when she kissed me."

"You're so dumb. You know she didn't give you any tongue."

"She did! I swear!"

"My Mama don't like girls."

"How do you know? She's feeling me!" She says making her eyebrows jump up and down.

"SHUT UP!" I scream.

"Ya'll stop that screaming!" Mama yells.

"Dang Ky. I was just kidding. How you know anyway?"

"I just know."

"You don't know. I bet you didn't know she liked white boys."

"Whatever Ty." I know Mama doesn't like girls. Yeah she likes everybody, but I _know_ she don't like gay people...so I know she don't like girls. She's never said she hates gay people but once we were in the mall and there were two women holding hands. She made us walk all the way to the other side of the mall to get away from them. Mama never said anything about them but the way she looked at them...she looked like she hated them.

"Well?" Ty asks me.

"Well what?"

"Well...how do you know?"

"Because I know."

"Whatever." Ty says. "She feeling me."

"Stop saying that."

"I'm just kidding! Dang, calm down. Can't you take a joke?"

"Yeah," I say. "I just don't like when you say that." We were quiet for a minute and thenI ask her. "Do you really like girls?"

"Naw. I think some of them are pretty but I don't like them like I like boys."

"Well why did you say that then?"

"I was just joking! Grow up Ky!" After a second she grins again and says. "You must like girls since you got so mad."

"No I don't."

"That's probably why you want me to stay over here all the time. You want me!"

Now she was starting to piss me off. Sometimes when Ty jokes about stuff it's not really funny and she doesn't know when to stop! "No I don't."

"Yes you do! And you're jealous because you're mama likes me."

"SHUT UP!" I scream.

Seconds later, Mama comes down the stairs and says, "If you two keep yelling, I'm going to make you go to bed."

"Sorry Mrs. Alyssa. We were just joking around."

"Ok. Well I'm going to bed. Are you staying down here or upstairs?"

"Upstairs." I say. Usually when we sleep downstairs, Mama helps us to pull out the bed inside the couch, but I don't feel like putting the covers on it tonight.

"Okay. Good night. And don't stay up too late." Mama says and goes back upstairs.

"You mad at me Ky?"

"No." But I really am...sometimes Ky gets on my nerves.

"I'm sorry. I was just joking with you."

"It's okay. Did you get your phone?"

"Yeah...here." She says and hands me her phone out of her pocket. "What you want it for?"

"Do you have Myles' number?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I was wondering if maybe he wanted to hang out with us tonight?"

"You're Mama's not going to let him come over here...especially since she's gone to bed."

With a devilish smile I say, "We'll just have to go meet him then."

"What?! You want to sneak out?"

"Once Mama and Daddy go to sleep, they'll never know we left."

"Look at Miss Goody Two Shoes getting bold!"

"Shut up. We'll wait a little while, then sneak and make sure they're asleep." I tell her. We went upstairs to my room to waste time and played around on my computer for a while. Sitting on my bed, I ask, "Ty, have you ever had sex?"

"What??? Why would you ask me that?"

"Cuz I wanted to know. Mama took me to dinner and was telling me about sex and I was curious."

"What??? What did she say?" She asks bouncing up and down.

"Just that my body is changing and how I'm going to start feeling stuff about people. But I know she meant boys."

"Oh. I didn't know parents still talked to their kids about that."

"Your mama hasn't?"

"Not really. She don't really talk to me unless its yelling. She just tell me to not get pregnant."

Now that peaked my interest. "That's it?"

"Yeah."

"Did she say how to get pregnant?"

"No but I already know how dummy."

"Well how then?"

"You have to have sex."

"So have you?"

"Ky! I'm not a hoe!"

"I'm not saying you are! Besides, just because you have sex don't mean you're a hoe. Only if you have sex with a lot of people."

"Or without protection." Ty says. What kind of protection is she talking about?

"So...?"

"Well...kinda..."

"What??? When?!?!" I ask with excitement.

"Over the summer."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Cuz I didn't' want you to hate me."

"Ty, why would you think I would hate you?"

"Because you're a good two shoes and you don't do stuff like that."

"How you know?"

"Because you're a goody two shoes Ky! Plus, you don't even know how to get pregnant, so I know you haven't."

"Whatever! What do you mean kind of?"

Ty ran to the door and peeked out then closed it behind her saying, "Well, you know Josh right?"

"Of course I know Josh."

"We went to the movies over the summer and we kind of did something."

"What?!?!" Ty didn't say anything but wiggled her fingers and then put up just one. I have no idea what she's talking about, but I don't want to sound dumb and ask since she already thinks I'm a baby. But I'm confuse!. What's up with the fingers?

Ty laughed and came and sat beside me on the bed. "You don't know what I'm talking about do you?" Embarrassed, I shook my head no. And she whispered, "He put his finger in me."

"Oh." But where? I guess it showed that I still didn't know what she was talking about because she said, "I'll show you."

Ty went to my computer and typed something in. "Dang, you have parental lock on it. Wait, I know!" She says, grabbing her computer out of her bag. After typing something in...a picture of a naked lady came up.

"Ty! I don't want to see that!"

"Just wait...it'll show you."

Looking at the screen, I saw that it was a movie. A man walked up the woman who was lying in a chair by a pool...then it showed him pull down his pants. Oh my gosh! I have never seen a real thingy before but gross! I looked at ty and asked her how she knew about this.

"I look at it all the time."

"Really?"

"Yeah...I like to watch porn."

A lot of kids at school talk about porn all the time but I've honestly never seen it before...until today. I'm kind of shocked that Ty watches it! But then again, no I'm not. I look back at the screen then it showed everything!!! At least I can now say that I know what sex is. It actually looks kind of gross. After a few minutes of watching that and Ty squirm around, I start to get uncomfortable and tell her I don't want to watch anymore.

But I did learn something...apparently sex is when the guy puts his thingy in the hurls hoo-ha. Hell I didn't even know you could put something in there! I'm not sure if mine is like that lady's, but I don't think I have a place to put anything inside.

"So you and Josh did that?

"Just the first part."

"Did it hurt?" The lady sure did look like it hurt.

"At first it did, but after a while, it felt good."

Looking at the clock, I notice 30 minutes has passed and I tell Ty to come on to see if my parents are asleep. "Come on! It's time to bounce up out this bitch!"

We sneak down the hall, and I'm in front because it's dark and I'm not sure Ty will know which door to go to. Listening at the door for a few minutes, we don't hear anything, so I grab the knob and quietly push the door open just a bit. Once I can poke my head inside, I see my dad sitting up on the bed and I almost pass out. Shit...we're caught! Frozen in fear, I can't move...Ty pushes me out of the way and peaks in. I grab her arm so that we can run back to my room and pretend we were never there but she won't move. She's still staring inside and I wonder why my dad hasn't come to the door yet. I lean over to peek inside again and I hear my mom groan. She sounded like she was hurt; but then she does it again I realize that she's moaning like the woman on the computer! I can't stop looking! At first I thought that my dad was sitting up watching tv, but realized he wasn't facing the tv. He has his back to the tv and for some reason he's sitting on my mom. Like I said before, I'm not the smartest person in the world, but after a few more seconds, I get it...they're doing it...they're having sex!!! I knew my parents had sex, but I'd never really thought about it before and I definitely have never seen them before...and I'm mesmerized. I can't really see anything but my dad moving back and forth but now my mom's moaning louder. I probably should have been more grossed out but I was so intrigued I couldn't stop looking.

I'm not sure how long we watched but I guess my dad finally laid down because we couldn't see him anymore. I had to stand up to see inside because Ty had taken my spot on the floor. So, I reach down to grab her so that we can go back to my room, but I can't find her! There's a little bit of light coming from inside the room but its just enough that when I look down I can see Tianna. And she has her hand in the front of her shorts! What the hell is she doing?

I grab her hand and pulling her back, so that I can close the door closed with my other hand. As soon as I let go of the knob, I drag her to her feet and we fly back to my room. "I'm tired. We'll see if Myles wants to hang out tomorrow night."

"Okay." Ty says, "I'm ready to go to bed too."

We get in the bed and for a long time I just lay there, thinking about everything I saw tonight. I'm definitely going to check out what's down there because Mama was right. I did start to feel something.

Ty was lying beside me facing the wall and started squirming around again. I guess she was having trouble sleeping too. I was going to ask her if she was okay but as soon as I opened my mouth, she moaned. What the hell is she doing??? She was moaning like Mama and the lady but I know she wasn't having sex because you have to have two people for that right? "You okay?" I ask her.

She stiffens up and stops moving, but doesn't answer. "Ty, you okay?"

"Yeah." She answers in a groggy voice. And what's going on with her voice? I know she wasn't asleep because she was just moving around.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Yes it is because you were moving around."

"Nothing's wrong Ky!"

"Well if nothing's wrong, what were you doing?"

"Ky, go to sleep!"

"Sorry! Geez, I was just asking if you were okay!"

"And I said I was okay, now shut up and go to sleep!"

What the hell is she mad at me for? I was just asking if she's okay. Maybe she's still freaked out because of Mama and Daddy. I've never seen something like that before. I'm amazed...and curious. I wish there was more light in there so I could see! And what was that feeling down there.

I can't stop thinking about everything; so I decide to go to the bathroom since I can't sleep. I think I'm going to "check out" what I have. Forgetting about Ty, I get up and quietly sneak down the hall to the bathroom, which is at the other end of the hall. I have to pass Mama and Daddy's room to get to the bath, but with my mind on my quest, I didn't notice that there was whispering coming from their room.

Once in the bathroom, I find Mama's hand-held mirror and survey what all is "down there." It doesn't look like much and it actually looks kind of weird. Before I can do a good "search" of my hoo-ha, I hear a knock on the door. It scared me so bad, I jumped and almost feel backwards in the tub. "Yeah?" I say as I try to calm by heart.

"Akira baby, you okay?"

"Yes ma'am."

"You feeling okay?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Is your stomach hurting?"

"No ma'am."

"Well what are you doing? You've been in there a while."

Oh shit! How long has she been outside the door? How long have I been in here? Jumping up, not realizing I was still sitting there, not moving, I flush the toilet and wash my hands. Unlocking the door and leave.

"I just had to pee Mama." Mama peeks into the bathroom before I turn off the light and puts her arm around my shoulder.

"I went to check on you and Tianna and you weren't there. You scared me." Mama puts her hand to my forehead and checks it like she always does when she checks to see if I have a fever. "Are you sure you're feeling okay?"

"Yes Mama." I tell her and push her hand off of my cheek, where she's now checking. "You're hand stink Mama. It smells like stinky armpits."

Mama puts her hand to her nose and smiles a little. "What were you and Tianna fussing about?"

"Nothing, she's just was irritating me."

"Did ya'll make up before you went to bed?"

"Yeah. She said sorry."

"Good. Come on, let's get you back to bed." We pass by Mama's room and I can see through the crack in the door that the tv is on. I glad we didn't sneak out tonight! Mama would have killed me when she caught me. Shoo...I think Mama may need a bath. Her room smells musty like her hands do. But I won't tell her because I don't want to hurt her feelings. She kisses me on the head, pushing me in my room, "Night baby."

"Good night Mama." I tell her as she goes back to her room. I peek out the door as I see Mama closing it behind her and turn around to get back into bed. I jump a little because when I turn around, Ty is looking at me smiling.

"What are you laughing about?"

"Where did you go?"

"I had to pee."

"That was a long time to be gone just to pee."

"Well I did."

"What else did you do?"

"Nothing, I just peed." I hope she didn't know what I was doing. But I didn't really do anything. I don't even know what to do! But wait a minute! (I told you, sometimes it takes me a minute to catch onto things.) Ty was moving around in bed like she was when we were watching that movie and like the woman in the movie...and what was she doing when she had her hands in her shorts??? "Ty???"

"Yeah." She still looking at me with a slick grin like I'm hiding something.

"Umm...ummm..." I stutter while I get back into bed.

"What Ky?"

"What were you doing when you were watching my parents and when we got in bed?"

Ty stands up on the bed and starts jumping up and down...bouncing me around she says, "masturbating dummy!'

"What's that?" I ask her laughing because she looks like she's having a good time. I'm glad she's in a better mood than she was before.

"You know."

"No I don't."

"God Ky! You don't know anything."

I get up and begin jumping on the bed with her...sort of like a make shift trampoline. I've always wanted a trampoline but Mama won't get me one because she says that I'll fall and break something. "I do know stuff...just not that stuff...how am I supposed to know if nobody ever told me?"

"Your Mama didn't tell you what it was?"

"No, she wouldn't even tell me what sex was."

"oh."

"So what is it?"

Before she could answer, Mama slams the door open and say, "Ya'll are really trying to work my nerves tonight!"

I plop down onto the bed. "Sorry Mama."

"Sorry Mrs. Alyssa." Tianna says and sits down too.

"Go to sleep!"

"Yes ma'am." We say at the same time and Mama laughs.

Mama comes over to the bed. "Lay down." After we're situated, she pulls the covers over us and kisses us both good night. "I'm glad to see ya'll made up. Now go to sleep." Then leaves.

"Ky, you're Mama's a freak!"

"Shut up Ty...she might hear you."

"She smells like sex! And she just left your daddy and now she's in here flirting with me again. " Ty says and flips on her stomach putting the pillow over her head to go to sleep. I'm not even going to argue with her about it anymore...she's just saying that to make me mad.

Alyssa

I am exhausted! Between Paul, the twins, and those two knocked out upstairs, I barely slept a good hour last night. I bet the girls are tired too because they were up at 3:00AM jumping on the bed. I love that my baby is still such a kid. I love that she's almost a teenager, but still can be silly and have fun. I want her to be carefree and enjoy her childhood as long as possible...hopefully for the next 10 years, but I know that's not going to happen. But on the other hand, at times, she scares me, we've sheltered her, I'll admit that but sometimes I'm not sure that's such a good thing. She has absolutely no common sense at all and with her not being too book smart either, so I'm not so sure how far she will go in life. In my heart, I keep telling myself that eventually it'll come to her and she'll be fine; so until it does, I want her to be as childish and carefree as possible. I know it sounds crazy and most parents want their kids to hurry and grow up, but I don't. I don't want my baby not depending on me until I know she can be on her own. I have no problem with her living with us until she's 40. Hell, I would prefer it. Now the twins will have to go as soon as they turn 18 because I can't have 3 grown children living with me, but they'll be okay.

Going upstairs, I go into Akira's room and both girls are snoring loudly sprawled across the bed. Akira will always be my baby, but as I look at both of them, it breaks my heart to realize that she is growing into a woman. Of course, they've kicked the covers completely off the bed and with their pajamas of shirts and tank tops, I see that they have better bodies than I do. After 3 kids and no time for exercise, I have things hanging, sagging, and protruding all over the place, whereas these two can go without a bra and have no sags in sight; and tummies so flat that you could balance a glass of water on. How I would love to look like that again! I'm going to make sure I devote more time to exercising. I know I'll never look like that again, but at least I can lose some of this baby weight and at least tone up a bit. "Tianna, Akira, wake up...breakfast is ready."

"Mama...we're not hungry."

"You're tired aren't you? Serves you right...you should've went to bed earlier."

"Maaaa" Akira whines.

"Stop saying Ma...and stop whining. I'm tired too but you have to eat breakfast. Now come on!" I say leaving the room. I'll let them sleep a few more minutes and come back but when I come back, they're not going to like it.

I go to wake up everyone else and make my way down the hall. I make it to the twins room and of course, they're already up, watching the door waiting for me. "Hey Mama's babies!" And they giggle with joy. In a few months, they'll be two years old and I can't believe how fast they'e grown. I've never imagined taking care of two babies at the same time but I have to say, it's a job. Paul helps out some, but he's not really a baby person; he would rather spend time with Akira. I guess she's easier for him to deal with since the twins can't talk or do too much on their own. I swear, when God was giving out patience, he skipped Paul all together! After changing their diapers, washing their faces and brushing their teeth, I put them on the floor and say, "Let's go wake Daddy up!"

Giggling, we all run to the master bedroom and I quickly put them on the bed. Jumping up and down, we all say, "Wake up Daddy!"

Paul's not a morning person and I know it pisses him off more than makes him happy, but oh well, they enjoy it so we do this every weekend. Paul, being the grump that he is, throws the pillow off of his head and says, "Alyssa, you know I don't like people waking me up!"

"It's not people waking you up. It's your family."

"You drive me fucking crazy woman! You know I'm naked...give me my underwear. You shouldn't have brought them in here in the first place!"

"Well you should've known I was going to bring them in here and put you underwear on last night! Come on my babies...Daddy's grumpy...let's go eat." Of course, it doesn't even phase them and in their usual happy moods, they sprint out of the room as soon as they scoot off the bed.

Holding both of their hands on either side of me, I carefully walk them downstairs and sit them at the table. Placing both of them two pancakes and a piece of bacon on their plate. They gobble it up like they haven't eaten in days. I fix Paul, Tianna, and Akira a plate and head back upstairs to rouse the rest of my bunch. I swear, this family is the worse with mornings. Most mornings by the time I get to work, I'm so frustrated just from waking them up and fighting with them to get them out the door on time that if I don't watch myself, my whole day will be ruined. Only God knows why people stay up late when they know they hate to wake up in the morning. I think from now on, on Saturdays, I'll just let everybody get up at whatever time they want and it'll just be me and the twins. They appreciate my breakfast. Akira and Paul can sleep as late as they want and can fix their own food when they wake up.

Making my way up the stairs, Paul passes me without a word. As soon as he gets behind me he swats my butt, leaving it stinging, "Sorry I yelled babe."

"Uh huh." I say, continuing towards Akira's room. "Tianna, Akira...get up!" The way these two sleep, I'm surprised they don't wake up with black eyes and bruises in the morning. I think, looking at how they're sprawled out across the bed...and each other.

"Maaa...we're up!"

"Stop calling me Ma...its either Mama or Mrs. Franklin."

"Maaa...go away!"

"Fine...starve if you want to." I say and stand in place. Seconds later, both are back asleep and I jump onto the bed, landing on both of them. Juvenile, I know, but I'll be damned if I let the breakfast go to waste that I cooked for them. Besides, they shouldn't have stayed up all night.

"Mama! We're up!"

"Thank you...that's all I wanted." I say climbing over Akira and getting out of the bed. Kissing both of them on the forehead before leaving, "Love you girls!"

"Ky, your Mama's strange."

"Yeah I know."

Finally, after several minutes, Akira and Tianna slumber into the kitchen and flop down into chairs and begin to eat. To tell the trust, my feelings are a little hurt because I could've slept late and gotten a few more hours of sleep, but by choice, I woke up early and cooked everyone breakfast because this is my family and I love them. No one ever appreciates what a mother does until she stops doing it! Not once do I get a 'thank you' or a 'good job' for what I do around the house! The twins don't even tell me thank you anymore...and when they first starting putting words together, that was their favorite phrase! I know I'm being petty and selfish, but hell my pride is hurt!

"What's wrong babe?" Paul asks me

"Nothing."

"I said I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten upset."

"I'm not mad at you. I'm fine."

"Well why are you so quiet?"

"No reason." Except that usually, I'm the one who's always talking and keeping it lively, but since I'm not appreciated, I'll just shut up and let ya'll do whatever you want to do.

"So girls...did ya'll have fun last night?" Paul asks.

"Yes." They say in unison and giggle. Teenage girls are always giggling about something. I love to hear them laugh...and their giggles lighten my mood just a little.

"Well, since I've already ruined the morning, I'm going to hide out in the basement for a while and keep out of the way." Paul says and takes his plate to the sink. He thinks he's slick but I know that he's not running to the basement to because he's upset me: he just doesn't want to deal with the kids. Truthfully, I'm not really upset...my feelings are just hurt. I finish my plate, gather mine and the twins' plates, and take them to the sink to wash. As the water is filling the sink, I brush all the excess food off of their shirts and take them upstairs to play until I finish in the kitchen.

I see Akira and Tianna giggling when I come back in and they get quiet when they see me. I have no idea what they're up to but I'm not going to bother to ask, because it's probably something I don't even want to know. I wipe off the table where the twins and Paul were sitting and notice that the girls are staring at me, but when I look at them, they look away and giggle. Not thinking anything about it, because they constantly giggle, I decide to finish with the table once they're finished eating and head for the dishes. The girls continue to giggle and whisper. I look back at them and they quickly look away... "Okay, what is it?"

"Nothing Mrs. Alyssa." Tianna says with a sly grin on her face.

"What are ya'll up to?"

"Nothing Mama, honestly!"

I don't believe a word either one of them says, but I don't have the energy to fight with them. When those two get together, it takes a lot of energy to deal with them and I just don't have it in me today. I guess it's partially my fault that I'm in such a bad mood, I could have went to bed earlier but...well, let's just say I had a damn good reason to stay up late.

The girls finish with their plates and bring them to the sink where I'm finishing up. Taking the dishes, I continue to wash them while thinking and getting lost in my own little world. I thought the girls had gone back upstairs until I heard them giggling behind me. Turning around, I see that they're sitting back at the table, now with their chairs turned towards me, sitting side by side. Confused, I ask, "What are ya'll doing?"

"Nothing. Just watching you."

"What are you watching me for?"

"Mrs. Alyssa, we just want to see who you are...you know...what kind of woman you are."

"What???"

"Mama, we just want to see how you do things, what makes you you."

"I have no idea what ya'll are talking about, or doing...but you're bothering me...go upstairs and do something."

"But we want to spend time with you Mama...and talk."

Great! I'm the kind of mother who wants her children to know that they can talk to me anytime that they want. I want Akira and the twins to know that I support them in anything that they do; but I'm just not in the mood for it right now. But in my head, I'm tell myself to adjust my mood and stop acting their age. The things a mother has to do! "Alright, we can talk, but let me use the bathroom first."

Going to the bathroom off the living room; I don't really have to use it so I sit on the counter, for a little peace and quiet, to get my mind in a better place. For some odd reason, I feel like I'm being set up by those two. I don't know what they're up to but I think I'm in for it with the way they were looking at me.

In much happier spirits, I return to the kitchen and they're both still in the same spot, but now with their arms crossed, smiling at me as I walk in. Returning to the sink, I lean on the counter...I feel like I need to brace myself for whatever is about to come. "Okay, what do you two want to talk about?"

Initially I went to the sink to put distance between us, but my plans were shot when they both looked at each other, still with those devilish grins, and pull their chairs up in front of the table, now only about feet away from me. Oh shit! My hands start to sweat and I feel nervous.

"Mrs. Alyssa, I like staying here so much."

"Well I'm glad Tianna. We like you being here."

"You're nicer than my mama."

I'm speechless. I don't want to downplay her home life because I don't know what she's been through. But at the same time, I don't feel right about being happy that she feels that way. "Thank you." Is all I can think to say.

"Sometimes I wished I lived with ya'll. I like it better here."

Okay...I wasn't expecting this conversation but I guess it could've been worse. But for some reason, I feel like she's buttering me up for something unreasonable. "Well, Tianna, we all want things that we don't have. Sometimes things look better when you're not in the situation, but Akira will tell you, we're pretty strict at times. If you lived here, you probably would wish you lived at home."

"I guess so."

"Umm Mama..." Akira asks and I know she's about to ask the question that I will definitely be saying no to. Hell no Tianna cannot live here!

"Well, we were talking yesterday and I wanted to ask you something."

"Akira, I know what you're about to say and you may as well save it." They both look shocked and stare at each other like they've been caught. "I'm sorry, but Tianna cannot live here. She has her own family and they would miss her. But Tianna, you are welcome to stay with us as much as you want." Both of them look from me to each other again and laugh out loud.

"No Mama, that's not what we wanted to talk about."

"Well what's this all about then?" I ask as they continue to smile at me. They're starting to make me nervous with all the smiling and "beating around the bush." Oh ok...now I get it...she said they were talking yesterday!

My anxiety subsides with the realization and I say. "So you were talking about our talk yesterday?"

"Well, yeah." Akira says.

"So you have more questions about sex?"

"Sort of."

Alright...this'll be easy. I would prefer Tianna talk to her mother about sex but I guess it won't hurt to talk to her too. She doesn't seem to get too much support at home and she deserves to learn from a reliable source rather than those little nasty kids at their school. "So, what do you want to know?"

"Well actually Mrs. Alyssa, we have something to tell you."

Oh shit...what now? My anxiety has spiked back up to a high. "Okay." I say nervously.

Now _they're_ fidgeting and beginning to look nervous. Tianna looks to Akira and says, "Maybe we shouldn't Ky." I hate that stupid nickname but "Ty" and "Ky" seems to be something they see as a bond, so I let it slide.

"Why not Ty?"

"Because she'll get mad."

Great...I don't want them to think that they can't talk to me. Especially if Tianna doesn't have anyone at home to talk to. "It's okay Tianna. You can tell me anything. I won't get upset with you." I only said that because I want them to be comfortable with me, but little did I know what I had just stepped into.

"Well...if you're sure..." Tianna says.

"I'm positive baby."

"Well Mama..." Akira says with a sweet smile. Awww, my babies are so sweet...and curious too!

"Yes baby?"

With a stone cold face Akira says, "We saw you and Daddy having sex last night."

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? I'M SPEECHLESS!!! "What?" I ask calmly so that they don't think I'm upset.

"We heard something and went to see what it was...and we saw ya'll." Akira says without an ounce of modesty.

I literally want to die right now! How in the hell...the door was closed...and the tv was on to cover the noise. And why in the hell did they watch? Why didn't they leave as soon as they saw us? Little perverts! "Ummm...I'll be right back." I manage to choke out.

Slowly and calmly, I leave the kitchen and head to the basement. I guess I could have asked them all those questions while I was in the kitchen but I was stunned stupid. I have to talk to Paul first...honestly I didn't even know how to respond to them. Besides I didn't want them to think I was mad at them for being curious.

I see that Paul is watching a football game and he hears me coming in. I wonder if he thinks I'm still mad at him? He's the least of my worries right now. He glances over his shoulder and a smile spreads across his face. He must I _am_ still mad. He's probably thinking I'm coming down to make up with him. I have something for you buddy! I'll show you to piss me off. I sit on his lap and wrap my arms around his neck and say, "Hey baby."

"Hey babe. You not still mad at me are you?"

"No."

"Yes you are. You know I'm not good with mornings babe."

"I know honey. It's okay."

"I really am sorry Alyssa."

"You don't have to keep apologizing Paul. It's okay."

"Well, if you didn't want me to apologize, what did you come down here for?"

"So I can't come down here now?"

"No it's not that. I just thought you wanted me to tell you sorry."

"Nope." I say with a grin.

"Well what is it? Why are you smiling?"

"I have a surprise for you." I say mischievously.

"Oooh. I like surprises."

"Well, you're going to love this one."

"What???"

"You ready?"

"Yes...tell me!" Paul looks like he's ready to burst with excitement.

"Well..."

"Well what?" I can tell his getting even more anxious.

Keeping my smile, I calmly say, "The girls saw us having sex."

"What the fuck?!?!" Paul screams, dropping me on the floor. Pacing the floor, he finally realizes he's knocked me to the floor. "Sorry baby...I didn't mean to knock you down." He says helping me up and sits me on the couch. "What are we going to do?"

"I don't know babe. They just told me and we talked about it, but they want to talk to you now. They have questions...you know...they're curious about this stuff now." Yeah, I know I'm wrong for doing him like that...but payback is a bitch.

"Hell no Alyssa! I'm not going up there! I can't talk to them about that...especially not Tianna...she's not even my child!"

"I know baby. But they're just trying to understand everything and how the body works and they need details." Its taking everything within me to hold in my laughter. I know I'll probably go to hell for this, but his reaction is worth it.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! They're probably traumatized. Why the hell were they watching us anyway?"

"Akira said they heard us and was scared and when they went to see what it was, they saw us."

"Fuck Alyssa! I'm so embarrassed. Okay, look: go back up and talk to them and answer as many questions as you can and then we'll think of the rest later."

"No Paul...I've already talked to them, they want to talk to you."

"Alyssa...I can't! Please baby...don't make me go up there."

Okay, now it's not even fun anymore...he looks so pitiful. "Okay, okay, okay. How about we talk to them together?" I put that offer out there, because I don't want to tell him I'm scared shitless to talk to them too.

"No baby...I can't look at them...I'm too embarrassed." Damn it!

"I was just messing with you but I do need you to help me with what I'm supposed to say to them."

Relief washes over his face and he flops down on the sofa beside me with a sigh. "Shoo! I don't know what to tell you baby, but good luck."

Bitch...he could have at least helped me out. "I hate you Paul." I joke as I head back upstairs. Good for nothing bastard!

Giving myself a little more time to think, I go upstairs and check on the twins, making sure that they're okay. I've run out of things to do to avoid this conversation and can't find anything else to occupy my time, I head back to the kitchen...I might as well deal with it now and stop stalling.

Akira

"Ky, that was too mean! You shouldn't have done that to your mom."

"What?!?! I had to tell her, we don't have secrets." I say laughing.

"You're Mama almost had a heart attack. Did you see the look on her face when you told her...she looked like she was going to faint!"

"Yep. Oh well she'll be okay." Really, I'm not a mean person...even though it may seem like it. I know I shouldn't have done Mama like that, but it was too funny! I'm pretty sure I'll get in trouble for it, but hey, it was worth it. But it _was_ Mama who said that we can tell or ask her anything. At first we were just going to ask her about some stuff, but when she started to look all nervous it kind of got funny. So when she went to the bathroom I told Ty that I was going to tell Mama we saw her. I mean really...what can she do? Ground me because I was scared? Okay, I lied about that part too, but I couldn't tell her we were sneaking out of the house and that's how we caught them having sex! She would kill me!

It was taking Mama too long to come back...and honestly I didn't even think about what we were going to talk about when she came back, so we got tired of waiting and went to sit on the porch. I wish I had a friend's house that I could go over to because I hate being stuck at home all the time. Ty is my only _best_ friend and I definitely don't want to go to her house and stay. There's always too many people there and her mom and grandma are always in bad moods.

"Hey. You're birthday's coming up soon. What are you going to do this year?"

"I don't know. I haven't thought about it."

"You should get your mom and dad to rent you a hotel room and have a huge sleepover."

"For what? You sleep over all the time. I don't need to have a sleepover with a bunch of chicks from school."

"Because while we're at the sleepover, we can invite guys over and have a real party...without your parents."

"Mama's not going to go for that. She would beat my ass."

"Yeah, but she won't know...she'll have her own room. It'll just be us for the slumber party and then we can sneak the guys after she goes to sleep."

"I don't know...it doesn't sound like it'll work."

"Trust me...it will. As long as your daddy doesn't come."

"Shut up Ty. You're so stupid." I know she's talking about last night's failed attempt at sneaking out...and out surprise show.

"Man they are some freaks! No wonder she had two babies. You parents be getting it in!"

"Gross...I don't want to think about my parents having sex Ty."

"Whatever! You didn't complain last night while you were watching them and drooling all over my head."

"Shut up! I was not! I just had to look really hard to see what was happening." Both of us knew that was a lie and we burst out laughing.

I guess we're a little too loud because Mama comes to the door and says, "Ya'll still want to talk."

Looking at Ty I ask her and she says, "Naw, not really."

"Okay, but if you want to you know you can right?"

"Yeah." We say in unison but she pulls the door up behind her and stands in front of us with her hands across her chest.

"I don't mind ya'll asking me anything and I don't mind talking to ya'll about anything, because I would rather ya'll hear it from me than someone else, so I'll leave it up to you to decide if you want to talk."

"Ok Mama. We get it!"

"But I do want to tell you that what you saw was a private moment. It's nothing for me or your dad to be embarrassed about because we're married and we have a sacred bond to each other. But you both have to respect people's privacy and not take advantage of a situation."

"Ma! Dang...we know."

"Exactly, you both knew what you were doing...and Akira you know that we knock on doors in this house because we respect each other. Now I don't know what you do at your house Tianna so I'm putting more of the blame on Akira because she knows the rules here. But you'll have to learn and respect the rules at our house also if you want to continue staying here."

"Yes ma'am." Ty says.

"Now I'm not upset with ya'll and you're not going to get into trouble, because I know ya'll are curious. But I'm telling you know....I don't care if you hear somebody screaming bloody murder...don't go into a room without knocking."

"Yes ma'am."

"And for goodness sake...don't peek at people...you look like perverts when you sneak and do things like that...if you're curious, just ask."

"But Mama, if we would have asked you would have said no."

"Akira, don't play dumb with me. You know what I meant. Besides, you don't want to look at your parents...its unconventional."

I look at Ty and she looks at me and we're both confused because unconventional is not a word we've ever heard before. Smiling, at Ty, I'm trying to see if she's up for a little more bullshitting with my mom. She shakes her head yes, just barely so that Mama can't see it and I quickly think of my next move. "What's unconventional mean?"

"Out of the ordinary...unusual...."

"Oh. So we should look at other people? Like Ty look at ya'll and I look at her mom and boyfriend?"

"NO! That's not what I meant. Tianna if you want to continue to come to our house, you have to learn to not sneak around and spy on people and Akira you already know that's something we don't do."

"I know Mama but I don't understand what you're saying." I lie innocently.

"Look Akira. It's okay to be curious...it natural. But you're going too fast and you have to be ready for something as serious as having sex. You need to be in love with the person you have sex with, preferably married first, but you don't need to be having sex just to have it."

"Ok Mama."

"Tianna, do you understand?"

"Yes ma'am."

"But Mama you say I shouldn't be watching you and Daddy...do you mean I can watch like movies..." before I could finish my sentence, Ty backhands me in my stomach to shut me up.

"What is it Tianna?" Mama asks as I breathe deeply trying to catch my breath.

"Nothing Mrs. Alyssa. I thought it was a spider on Ky's shirt."

Mama looks at Ty like she knows she's lying and she asks me, "What were you saying Akira?"

"Nothing." I can barely get it out because I'm struggling to breathe.

"You sure?" I can't say anything else, so I just shake my head yes. "Okay...well I'm going inside to lay down for a few minutes. Let me know if you need anything." Mama says, bending over and kissing both of our foreheads.

Mama walks back into the house and I break into a coughing fit, trying to get my breathe back to normal. Ty is laughing like it's the funniest thing in the world, which pissed me off. I kick her in the shoulder, knocking her out of the chair.

"What did you kick me for?"

"Why'd you hit me in my stomach? I thought you wanted to mess with her?"

"I did...but then I changed my mind." Ty says as she looks guilty. "I felt bad."

"Whatever."

"You know what though?"

"What?"

"When she leaned over to kiss me...I saw down her shirt. You Mama has some nice boobs."

"Ty...I'm going to kick your ass!"

"Serves you right...you shouldn't have kicked me." Ty says laughing loud. Stomping off, I go inside the house. "Ky, I was just messing with you!" I hear her say as I go upstairs.

Mama's lying across her bed with her eyes closed, so I go inside her room and push the door up almost closed and say, "Mama?"

"Yeah." She says without opening her eyes.

"Can you please stop kissing on Ty...and don't touch her so much." I whine. Mama loves to hug and kiss on us, so I know she doesn't think about it when she does it to Ty, but I don't like Ty saying stuff like that.

"Why?" Mama says and sits up looking at me with a sad look on her face. "Did I make her uncomfortable?"

"No." Honestly I think Ty likes it and I'm starting to wonder if she likes girls, but I don't want Mama to know what Ty's been saying, because I know Mama doesn't like gay people. Mama says we have to live our lives by the Bible and I guess the Bible says it's not right to be gay. I don't know because I've never read it, but I don't want her to think Ty's gay and she not let me hang around her anymore.

"Come here...sit down for a minute." I go and sit beside her on the bed and she grabs my hand. "You've been kind of different the past couple of weeks and I'm seeing changes in you. What's going on?"

"Nothing." I say because I have no idea what she's talking about.

"You've been saying things and not acting like yourself lately and I want you to know if you feel like there's something you need to tell me or something going on that's bothering you, you can tell me and I won't get mad at you."

I'm totally confused and not sure what she's talking about but I tell her, "Nothing going on. I don't think I'm acting different."

"Okay...the little stunt ya'll pulled in the kitchen _and_ asking about watching people have sex. That's not like you. Is Tianna telling you to do this stuff?"

"No!"

"Okay. But what's up with telling me not to kiss and touch Tianna? Neither one of you have complained about it before. Tianna is like your twin...I treat her the same way I treat you. I love her just like she were my own daughter."

"Yeah but she's not. She's my friend."

"Does it make you upset when I hug and kiss on her?" She thinks I'm jealous!!!

"No Mama! I just don't think she likes it?"

"Why?"

"I don't know...nevermind."

"No, I don't want you to get upset. If it'll make you feel better, I'll talk to her about it because I don't want her to be uncomfortable when she's here."

"No! Don't say anything to her about it."

"Okay...Okay...calm down. I won't talk to her but I'll try to control myself."

"Thanks." I say as I walk towards the door.

"Akira?"

"Yes ma'am?"

"You know I love you right?"

"Yes Mama...I love you too."

"Okay." I close the door behind me as I leave, and as soon as I turn around, Ty tackles me and pulls me to my room.

"Why you tell your Mama that?" she huffs and I can tell she's mad.

"Cuz."

"Cuz why...you jealous?"

"No. I just don't want her to hug and kiss on you."

"Why not?" Ty asks me with her arms folded.

"Ty...yesterday you were terrified of my Mama and now you keep saying stuff about her and I don't like it."

"Ky you are such a baby! I'm just joking around with you!"

"Well you play too much!"

"Naw, you just a hater."

"No I'm not. I just think you feeling my Mama and I don't like that."

"Whatever Ky...I'm going home."

"Why???"

"Cuz you're being a dick today and I don't feel like dealing with you."

"No I'm not. You're just acting stupid."

"You get on my nerves." Ty says leaving me sitting on my bed. I'm not going to follow her and see where she goes! She's is being so dramatic today! Besides, I know she isn't going home because she left her clothes. She's just being dramatic today. A few minutes later I feel someone looking at me and when I look up Mama's staring at me. I want to wipe the tears from my eyes but then she'll know we were fighting.

"What's wrong with you and Tianna?"

"Nothing."

"Well why is she downstairs crying and you're up here crying?"

I can't tell her what we're arguing about, because even though Ty's getting on my nerves today, she's still my best friend and I don't want Mama to not let her come over. I don't know what to tell her so I shrug my shoulders. "Tianna is your best friend...you need to go make up with her."

"Why I gotta do it? Why can't she come and make up with me?"

"Because she's your guest and you should be the bigger person."

"I don't feel like it."

"Well I'll go talk to her then. You're not going to have her over and then treat her bad. You know better than that. You treat her how you want her to treat you."

"Mama...she started it." I whine.

"I don't care who started it. I'm telling you to fix it."

"No."

"Fine." Mama says and leaves me sitting on the bed just like Ty did.

Ty comes in and gets her overnight bag and leaves again, closing the door behind her. I have no idea how this day went wrong, I think to myself and continue to cry. I crawl up to the top of the bed and get under the covers, and soon fall asleep.

Alyssa

"Ty baby?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Go take a shower and we'll go for a ride...just me and you." I know that Ty's life isn't as perfect as she wants people to believe, so I feel sorry for her. I've known her mother and grandmother since I was a teenager and they're a different breed of people. I always let her stay with Akira as much as she wants because I feel like at least she gets a little break from her abusive home life while she's here. I've never seen any bruises or anything on her, but just from knowing her family, I know her mother and grandmother are pretty verbally aggressive.

"Okay." She says and I can see she's a little happier. She wipes the tears from her face and it takes everything within me to not hug her and kiss her to make her feel better.

She and Akira met when we moved here and they've been friends most of their lives, so it kills me to see her hurt. Honestly, I feel like she's my own daughter, except that she doesn't live with me. I've seen both of them grow into beautiful young women together and it kills me when they argue. I think I could deal with their arguing better if she were really my daughter, but knowing where she comes from and how hard it is to find a true friend, it bothers me when they have their little spats.

Now I'm not sure what they've been arguing about since last night and don't get me wrong...I'm not taking one's side over the other, but Akira's really been acting strange these past couple of weeks. I honestly think it's just her hormones getting her ready for the "big change" but she's truly becoming unbearable. It's been pretty stressful dealing with her these past couple of weeks and I think it's taking a toll on their friendship too; which is why I told her to apologize to Tianna. Again, unlike herself, she said no and refused to make up with her. Never in the past, nor will I start, arguing with my child, so I left it alone and feel that giving her a little time alone and spending a little time with Tianna may help. I'm sure Tianna's been seeing some of the same changes as well and she's had to deal with Akira's moods also. So, maybe taking her out with me on a few errands will give them time to get over it. Besides, I do want to talk to Tianna to see what's going on with her not wanting affection from me. Yeah, I know I told Akira I wouldn't talk to her about it, but I need to know if I've done something to make her uncomfortable, because that's truly not my intention.

Hearing the twins waking up from their nap, I head upstairs to get them dressed. Passing by Akira's room, I see that she's gotten back in the bed, probably emotionally drained but also tired from staying up late, so I'll let her sleep. Hell, maybe the nap will even transform her back into her old self. God, I hope she's not like this all through puberty!

After getting the twins dressed, I realize that I forgot that I told Tianna that it was just going to be me and her for a little while. Not wanting her to think I lied, I grab both Amari and Amani and take them to the basement to Paul.

"Paul...wake up."

"What...I wasn't asleep. I was resting during the commercial."

"Watch the twins while I run out with Tianna. They'll be ready for a snack in a little bit but I won't be gone long."

"Akira's staying here?"

"Yeah, her and Tianna got into an argument and both of them ended up crying. Akira's upstairs asleep now...she'll probably be out until dinner. So I'm taking Tianna with me."

"Is this how it's going to be from now on?"

"I hope not...I hope once she gets her period, she'll calm down and go back to her old self."

"Whoa! Too much! Leave the twins and I'll watch them." Paul says as if he doesn't have any experience with a woman's body.

"Honey you better get used to it because in about 10 more years, we'll be going through the same thing with the twins."

"Great! Just kill me now!"

"Okay Mr. Dramatic...and you wonder why your kids are so dramatic. I'll get the twins lunch and snack ready before I leave."

"Thanks babe."

"See you in a little bit." I kiss them all good-bye and head upstairs. After putting on clothes I go to the kitchen to fix lunch for everyone and a snack for the twins as well. Almost finished, Tianna comes in, dressed and ready to go, so I tell her I'm almost ready.

"Can I help?"

"Sure."

***

"Thank you for helping. Now let's go."

As soon as we get in the car, Tianna finds the fastest rap song in the world and turns it up almost as loud as the radio will go. Turning it down just a little I wonder how anyone can listen to something so loud and singing so fast you can barely understand them. But of course, it seems that Tianna knows all the words to the song _and_ is able to keep up with it. Kids amaze me with the things they can do.

"So Tianna, what are you and Akira arguing about?" Tianna has an shy look on her face and doesn't seem to want to answer the question. "You two are too close of friends to keep arguing like that."

"I know. I made her mad when I was joking with her...about you."

"What did you say?" I ask curios about what she could have said about me that made Akira so mad.

"Ummm...I can't tell you. She'll get mad at me again." She says with tears in her eyes.

"Akira loves her family very much; so she's a little sensitive about that."

"I know that now! I didn't think she would believe me. I was just joking with her."

"But sometimes things _we_ think are funny, other people don't think are funny. You have to be careful of other people's feelings and make sure that she knows you're her friend all the time."

"I know. I guess I didn't think about it. But I won't say it anymore."

I wonder what she could have said that made Akira so mad? Then again, recently, little things make her mad, so it could've been nothing at all. I wonder if what she says has anything to do with Akira asking me to not be so affectionate with her. "So what do you think you can do to make it better?"

"I don't know...but I don't want Ky to think that I'm not her friend anymore."

"How about you bake her favorite cake for her and that'll be your way of apologizing, without actually having to say it?" Akira has a soft spot for anything sweet so I know a chocolate cake will do the trick.

"That'll be cool...but I don't know how to make a cake."

"Your mother or grandmother hasn't started teaching you how to cook?"

"No...they don't really do stuff like that with us." Tianna says with so much hurt in her voice.

"I tell you what...how about I help you and teach you a little bit about cooking, but we'll make sure she knows it's from you."

"You'll really teach me how to cook?"

"Well, we'll actually be baking, which is a little harder than cooking but since you're at our house almost every weekend, we can try some things while you're with us."

"Thank you! Nobody's ever taught me how to do anything like that."

"It'll be kind of a bonding thing between us girls...Akira doesn't really want to learn to cook but I'm sure she'll want to join in once she sees you like it." I say, glancing at Tianna to see how she feels about it but I see a look of disappointment on her face. "What's wrong?"

"I thought it would just be us."

"Oh..." Now I know I can't monopolize all of her time when she's over, because that's time that she and Akira are supposed to be spending together. But at the same time, the look of disappointment on her face, tells me she was looking forward to spending time with just me. I guess she doesn't get much attention at home and was looking for a little nurturing. Great! Akira basically just told me she was upset that I show so much attention to Tianna and here I am unintentionally taking her friend away from her. "Well, you come to spend weekends with Akira, so I can't leave her out of things that we do. I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to take her friend from her." I say with a chuckle to not offend Tianna.

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Akira mentioned something to me that I told her I wouldn't ask you about, but I kind of feel that I have to."

"What?"

"She seems to think that my affection towards you makes you uncomfortable. I see you as my daughter as well, so I try to treat you just like I do my children. But if I do or say anything to you that makes you feel uncomfortable, please tell me, because I want you to feel like you're at home when you're with us."

"Yes ma'am." She whispers and I'm not sure if she's agreeing that I've made her uncomfortable or if she's agreeing to letting me know. However it goes, I'll try to back off a little, especially since they're growing up so fast, and I don't want them to get any wrong notions in their heads.

"I like when you hug and kiss me. It doesn't bother me...my mama never does that."

Poor baby...she's starving for affection! "Well, some people just aren't that way. I've always been that way and it's hard for me to not do it. It's not a good thing or a bad thing, it's just how people are."

Arriving at the store, we head to the baking isle and pick out the ingredients for the cake we have to bake today. I don't let the kids have too many sweets but this is a special occasion so I can make an exception. After getting everything we need for the cake, and of course the other items on our grocery list that Paul didn't get last night, we go to checkout. I swear, if it's something Paul doesn't like or wants, he just acts like it's not even on the list. God, I swear that man drives me crazy.

I enjoy the time Tianna and I have spent together...it reminds me of when Akira used to go to the store with me and help. Nowadays, she doesn't like to spend as much time with me and stays locked up in her room so much, sometimes I have to check in on her just to make sure she's still alive. At least that's what I tell her...I dare not tell her that I'm actually missing her and just want to see her because then she'll think I'm smothering her. I wish I could get inside her head and see what's going on with her. I feel like I'm losing my baby...not just because she's growing up but her whole being seems to be changing. Akira's always been a very open person and says whatever she's thinking but lately she's been out of control. I think I need to talk to her about filtering things she says, because she doesn't seem to have that built in sensor that most people have. I mean really...who tells their parents that they caught them having sex???

Maybe its just that times are changing and kids now are more outspoken, because Tianna doesn't seem to have a problem with saying what's on her mind either. I would've never imagined being confronted by two pre-teens about my sex life! And I definitely wouldn't have discussed it with my mother when I was their age. I wonder how much Tianna's mother has talked to her about sex? "Tianna, has your mom or grandmother talked to you about boys and things like that?" I ask her as we head home.

"Not really...Mama just tells me not to get pregnant."

Wow! Parenting at its best! "Did she tell you how you can get pregnant?"

"No...she just said not to. But I already know how."

Good. At least since she knows, she can avoid it. "Well...have you been...ummm, have you been listening to her?"

"Yeah. I don't want to have any babies. I don't like them."

Thank you God! Wait...what??? She's been listening??? Oh my god! She's already having sex??? "So, you've had sex then?"

"No!" She almost screams and looks like I've just asked her to commit murder. "I told you, I don't want to have a baby."

Whoo...I just misunderstood. "So what do you do to...you know...not have a baby."

"After I got my period, Mama took me to get a shot and said that it'll keep me from having a baby."

What?!?! She's on birth control? this is too much for me. "Oh."

"But I still don't have sex. Mama just thinks I do."

"Well that's good to know. You should definitely wait until you're mature enough to understand all that goes along with it."

"Like what?"

"Well, like your emotions, you heart: when you decide to have sex you should know all the ways to protect yourself, physically and mentally."

"Yeah, I get what you're saying."

"You need to know about ways to prevent STD's, not just pregnancy, how to pick the right partner...things like that. And at your age, you're not able to comprehend all of those things."

"What's a STD?"

"Sexually transmitted disease..."

"Oh you mean like AIDS or crabs?"

"Yeah."

"But I thought that was what the shot was for."

"No..." Goodness...she's still so young. But is it really my place to be telling her all these things that her mother should be telling her? Not really...but she just said that her mother doesn't talk to her about sex and obviously she hasn't. So...it is my responsibility to educate her if her mother won't do it. "The shot is to keep you from having a baby... and it's still not guaranteed. If you decide that you _are_ ready, then you need to also be using condoms."

"Oh."

"I really did mean it when I told you that you can ask me anything and I won't get upset with you. I'm not trying to take over your mother's job, but I think there are a lot of things you still have to learn. I'm going to talk to Tianna again tomorrow and if you'd like to talk to, you can join us."

"Maybe..." Tianna says and then gets a strange look on her face. I'm not sure what the look is, but I soon realize its curiosity when she say, "So what about gay people?"

"What about them?" Now I'm not very up on gay sex...personally I don't agree with it and don't feel that living that type of lifestyle is God's way. But I know the reality is, is that kids today will experiment and it's a possibility that Tianna will encounter that one day. She's what I would consider a free spirit. She's very open and loving, despite where she comes from and seems like the type of person who's already experienced so many things in life. Maybe I need to reconsider these overnights with her and Akira. I definitely don't want Akira exposed to something like that; especially since she hasn't been influenced by it already. Cutting out the overnights all together would be my first choice to avoid the gayness, but I know how close they are and how much good friends mean to teenagers. I don't want to strain their relationship, but I definitely don't want Tianna to negatively influence Akira. Don't get me wrong, I love Tianna, but I can accept _her_ if she were gay because she's not really my daughter. Maybe it's time that they stop sleeping together during the overnights just to make sure.

"Like...do they have to use...you know?"

"Definitely, especially for gay people because that lifestyle is very risky. Gay people have a higher chance of getting diseases but the risk of pregnancy isn't there." I wonder if Tianna has ever done anything like _that_...Gross...I don't even want to think about it!

"Oh." Tianna's now quiet and I guess she's trying to process everything in her mind. On the rest of the way home, I say a silent prayer asking my Lord to help me get through puberty and to not let Tianna lead my child into an unholy lifestyle.

Akira

So, it's been two months and I still haven't been "told" that I'm ready to have a baby. I really wish something would happen soon...I need to start working on my plan. For the past two months, I've been "practicing" with this sex stuff and I know for sure I am definitely ready. Tianna has still been coming to stay with me every weekend and she taught me what masturbating was. Wow! Never would have I imagined that would be something that I liked. We still sneak and watch Mama and Daddy every chance we get and sometimes Tianna will bring her laptop and we'll watch the movies. I guess that'll have to do until my cycle tells me good news and I can get started.

My birthday is coming up this weekend and I'm going to ask Mama to get me a laptop too so that I can watch the movies when Tianna's not here. I actually like watching them now, but I can't watch them on my computer because Tianna and I can't figure out what the code is that blocks stuff on mine. Nights that I can't watch the movies, all I can do is sneak and watch Mama and Daddy, but unfortunately that's not every night. Nights that they don't do it, I just have to settle for my imagination...which doesn't really work! I was hoping I would be ready for a baby by my birthday so that when we invite the guys over I could do it then, but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. I think I'm going to ask Mama when it'll happen...the waiting is starting to get on my nerves. Hopefully the wait will be over soon because, school is almost over and I'm not sure when I'll be able to do it when I'm not in school.

***

My birthday party was fun and everyone seemed to have a good time, but still I didn't get everything I wanted for my birthday. I got _almost_ everything I wanted, even a laptop, except the _one_ thing I wanted the most...a baby. I've already decided that it's going to be a boy and I'm saving my money from my birthday to buy him a pair of Timberlands when he gets here. I've already decided that I'm going to name him Jordan...that's such a cute name for a boy. I can't wait until he gets here!!!

Mama tells me that Tianna's on the phone and I get up from my bed and take the phone from her. I never realized it before, but somehow I've grown and I'm almost as tall as she is now. "Hey Ty."

"Hey Ky...what you doing?"

"Nothing really. What's up?"

"Nothing...I was wondering if you wanted to come over and hang out..."

"I'm not really in the mood...why don't you come over here."

"My Mama's not home and I have to watch my little brother."

"When will your mama be back?"

"She said in a few minutes but she's been gone an hour."

"Just come over when she gets back."

"Alright...you okay...you sound sad."

"Naw...was just thinking..."

"About what?"

"I'll tell you when you get here...it's a secret."

"Oooh...what did you do?"

"Nothing! I just can't tell anybody yet."

"Oh...well I'll be over when my mom get here."

"Okay...I'll see you in a little bit."

"Ok. Bye."

I take the phone back downstairs and Mama says, "Come talk to me for a minute."

"What's up?"

"Excuse me...what's up?"

"I meant yes ma'am."

"Akira, you've been kind of down lately. What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Don't tell me it's nothing when I know it's something."

I stay silent because I can't tell her! I've always been very close to my mom and I tell her everything...but I'm starting to feel guilty that I'm keeping my secret from her. I'm constantly thinking about it because I can't seem to think about anything else. So...I try to stay away from her and not talk to her, because I'm scared, I'm going to slip up and tell her. We used to be like a best friend, but now, we barely talk anymore. I don't even spend time with her anymore and that makes me feel even more guilty! I know that she's been kind of down lately _and_ I know it's because of me. We used to spend lots of time together, but since I've backed away from her, she spends most of her time with Ty when she comes over on weekends. Ty loves spending time with Mama just like I do and they both seem just as happy without me, so I don't even try to spend time with them anymore. Honestly, I think Ty and Mama like to spend time with each other more than they like to spend with me. But I don't get mad about it because Ty's my best friend and she's actually helping me and Mama out.

So...here's the problem that I've been having with them spending so much time together: Ty's my best friend and I tell her everything, but now that she spends so much time with my mom, I'm scared to tell her about my secret. I'm afraid that she'll tell my mom and then my life will be over. I'm almost positive Ty won't tell because that's my girl...but, I'm not absolutely positive she won't. I need someone to talk to because it's eating away at me and I need to get it off my chest. And I definitely can't tell Mama! Well, I guess that's my answer then...I just won't tell Ty because I can't guarantee she won't tell Mama...and she can't find out....ever!!!

"What is it baby? You can tell me."

"No I can't Mama."

"Akira! You used to tell me everything! Why can't you tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, really. I just don't want you to be mad at me."

"What would I be mad about?" Mama asks me with a desperate look on her face. It looks like she has tears in her eyes but I'm not sure.

"I just can't Mama. You'll hate me."

"Nothing you tell me will make me hate you."

"Yes it will. And I don't want you to hate me." Now I'm having to hold back my tears!

"What makes you think I'll hate you?"

"Because I know you."

"Akira, I'm your mother. I love you! I could never hate you."

"If you knew you would."

"Do you not want to tell me, because you think you'll get in trouble?"

"I know I won't get in trouble...because I'm not going to tell you." The doorbell rings and I know it's Ty. "Mama, that's Ty. Trust me...there's nothing to worry about...I'm okay." I tell my mom in hopes that she'll stop worrying. I don't like to see her when she's upset or worried and it's killing me that I'm the cause...hopefully soon, all of this will be fixed.

"Hey Ty."

"Hey girl. What's up?"

"Nothing...I was talking to my mom."

"Oh where's she at? I want to tell her hey."

"In the kitchen. Come on."

"Hey Mrs. Alyssa!"

"Hey Tianna. What are you two going to get into today?"

"Nothing...just hang out around here...if that's okay with you." Ty knows that Mama loves when she comes over...for some reason she's acting weird.

"You know I don't mind."

"Okay Mrs. Alyssa...see you later!" She says with a sly grin on her face and pulls me by my hand out of the kitchen.

"Why are you acting so weird?"

"I have something to show you!" she whispers as she drags me upstairs.

"What???"

"Sit down!" She says as she peeks out of my bedroom door and then locks it. Oh no. What is she up to?

"What is it Ty?"

"Look what I found at my house." She says and pulls something out of her backpack.

"What is..?" I don't get to finish my sentence because when I look up, she's holding two movies. And when I see the covers, I know what it is...its dirty movies! "Where did you get these?"

"Out of my mama's room. I found them when I was looking through her stuff."

"You go through your mom's room when she's not home?"

"Yeah...don't you?"

"No! But I don't get to stay home alone much...at least not for long."

"Girl you'll have to snoop the next time you're by yourself...grown ups have some cool stuff."

"Like what?"

"Ky you are so lame...like these movies and money...depends on who's stuff you go through. My brother has a lot of naked pictures and dirty magazines, but my grandma doesn't really have much to see."

"You are so wrong. What if you get caught?"

"Duh...that's why I do it when they're gone...you are so dumb! I bet your parents have some good stuff...especially since ya'll are rich."

"We're not rich."

"Yes you are! Look at this big ass house. You got your own room and everything. I still have to share a bed with my brother and our house isn't nearly as big as this."

I don't think we're rich but I don't say anything about it to Ty because I know I can't change her mind. We have a big house because both of my parents work and she doesn't because only her grandma works. Besides my parents only have the three of us and there's six kids living at her house. "So what do you want to do?" I ask, putting the movies under my bed, because we'll have to wait until later to watch them.

"I don't know...I just wanted to get out of the house. Hey...I almost forgot...what were you going to tell me?"

"Well it's not that big of a deal, but..."

"What...what is it?!? Ty asks me bouncing up and down in excitement.

Laughing, I tell her, "You have to promise not to tell anybody!"

"You know I won't tell your secret...besides who am I going to tell?"

Well one of my secrets I think. "Mama."

"You know I wouldn't tell your Mama a secret that you told me."

"Since you're always up under her when you come over here, I don't know if you would tell her or not."

"I don't be up under your mama...she just cool and I like her."

"Whatever...you just have a crush on her."

"No I don't!!!" Ty screams. "I can't believe you just said that! You're stupid Ky...I'm leaving."

"Wait...I thought you wanted to know what I was going to tell you."

"No, I don't even care anymore. I'm going home and you can kiss my ass!"

"Like you want to do to my Mama..." and before I can finish, she jumps on top of me and we start wrestling. Ty is one of those girls who's always getting into fights but never wins; she's all skin and bones, so she's easy to beat up. I didn't expect her to jump on me but seeing how hard she's trying to fight me is kind of funny and I wrestle with her for a while just to annoy her. She knows she can't stay mad at me and I know she'll calm down in a minute, so I don't even know why she tried me. She's hilarious!

"What is wrong with ya'll?" I hear Mama say and I turn around and see her standing in the door. "Akira! You know better than that...get off of her!" Mama says trying ot pull me off of Ty since I've pinned her down on the bed.

"We were just playing Mama."

"No you weren't I heard Tianna screaming _and cursing_ from downstairs!"

"Sorry Mrs. Alyssa...I didn't mean to curse...but we were just joking."

"You two better act like you have some sense or else, Tianna you will be going home and Akira you'll be on punishment for the next month."

"Yes ma'am." We say at the same time and Mama storms off mumbling on her way out. Laughing, we jump onto the bed and say, "What are you being so sensitive for? God, I was just playing with you."

"Because...you made me mad."

"Whatever Ty...you're just being a crybaby."

"You just better be glad your Mama came in because I was about to whoop your ass."

"Ty, you can't fight! Haven't you realize that every fight you get into you lose?!?!"

"I do don't I?" Ty says with a confused look on her face. "I never realized that."

"That's why all the girls at school be trying to fight you...because they know they'll win."

"Shut up Ky...I don't need to be fighting anyway...I'm too much of a fucking lady." She says and we burst out laughing. "Anyway...what were you going to tell me?"

"Well...I'm going to have a baby!" I say with a grin so big it makes my eyes close.

"Whatever Ky...you're not having a baby."

"Yes I am! I wanted to get pregnant on my birthday but it didn't work out."

"Shut up! You're lying!"

"I'm serious Ty."

"Ky, you have to have sex to get pregnant."

"I know that idiot...that's why I need your help."

"What?!?! I can't help you dummy...you need a boy."

"Duh...I need you to help me pick out one."

"What?!?! You have lost your mind!"

"No I haven't...I've actually been thinking about it for a few months now. I know what I want to do."

"But why?" She begs with a sad face.

"I just do."

"Ky, that's stupid. You're only 13 years old. We haven't even made it to high school yet and that's when we'll really get to have fun."

"I can still have fun in high school."

"Not if you have a baby you won't. Who's going to watch it while you go out to have fun...hell who's going to watch it while you go to school?"

"I haven't thought about all that yet."

"You don't need a baby Ky. You need to finish school first and then you can think about it."

"Nope...I want one now."

"But why?"

"Cuz I do."

"I won't let you Ky!"

Laughing I say, "Ty, you can't stop me."

"I'll tell your mom!"

"No you won't because you promised."

"Yeah, but that was before I knew you were going to do something so stupid."

"You can't tell Mama!" Now I'm getting nervous...I didn't expect her to tell Mama. I was going to just wait until Mama could tell.

"Yes I can and I am!"

"No!!!"

"Watch me!" She says and runs out. Chasing her, I finally catch up to her in the kitchen as she says, "Mrs. Alyssa..."

"Don't Ty...I'm begging you!"

"What is it Tianna?"

"Ty Please!!!"

"Tianna...tell me now!"

"Akira wants to..."

"Ty please don't! She'll kick me out and I have nowhere else to go!"

"No she won't Ky...besides if you need to, you can stay with me."

"There's not enough room at your house and your Mama won't let me." She knows I'm telling the truth.

"Somebody better tell me something right now or it's going to be on!" Mama yells.

"Ty please...don't do it. Don't do me like that." I beg her.

"Never mind." She says to Mama.

"Tianna tell me right now!" Mama says

"I can't Mrs. Alyssa."

"You either tell me now or you need to go home."

"But..."

"But nothing. You will listen to me in my house or you'll leave. Either tell me or get out!"

"Mama, its not her fault." I say because I know how much Ty likes spending time with Mama. "I made her promise."

"We don't have secrets in this house Akira."

"But Mama..."

"Tell me or you'll both deal with the consequences."

"Okay...I'll tell you but you have to promise not to get mad."

"I'm already mad and I suggest if you don't want me to get irate, you'll tell me what's going on."

"I....I...I want to have a baby." I whisper hoping she doesn't hear me but at the same time, I hope she does because I'll die if I have to repeat it.

"What?!?! NO...YOU'RE TOO YOUNG!!! Akira, you have to finish school! And you don't even know how to take care of a baby."

"But Mama..."

"No! That's the end of it. You're not having a baby! You're being ridiculous."

"No I'm not. I know what I want."

"I don't care what you want...I won't allow it!"

"I will anyway!" I yell with tears in my eyes. Doesn't she know that a baby will save me? I have to have a baby! Why doesn't she understand that this is something I _have_ to do?

"Not in my house you won't! And not while you're this young!"

"I AM MAMA!"

"Don't push me Akira!"

"You can't stop me."

"Oh yes I can! See..you must not understand that I dictate what you do. You are _my_ child and _I_ say what you will and won't do while you're living in my house!"

"You...can't...stop...me!" I grunt through clenched teeth while tears spill down my face.

"Yes I can Akira and I don't want to hear anything else about it!"

"Okay Mama...you win." I say and turn to leave.

Before we can leave, Mama says, "Tianna you need to leave and Akira, we're going to the doctor as soon as you start your period and you're going to be put on birth control."

Continuing to walk out I say, "I won't take it."

"That's okay...we'll get you the shot."

"Mama!"

"Bye Akira."

"I HATE YOU!'

"Yeah but you'll thank me later."

"No I won't! You're killing me!"

"No...I'm saving you from a miserable life."

"You just don't understand!"

"Well help me to understand because you're not being rational."

"Just forget it Mama."

"Ky just listen to your mama. You can't take care of a baby."

"Akira, how will you pay for diapers, clothes, milk for a baby?"

"I'll get a job."

"You can't get a job until you're 15. You can't even get government assistance until you're 16."

"Well I'll do something."

"Like what?"

"I don't know yet but I'll figure it out."

"See that just goes to show you...you can't take care of a baby!"

"I can...you'll see."

"Akira, I'm not going to discuss this anymore. Go to your room."

Alyssa

I don't know what's gotten into Akira. She asks like she's lost what little bit of good sense that she had. "Paul we have a problem."

"What is it baby?"

"You're not going to believe this shit Akira just told me."

"What?"

"She wants to have a baby."

"WHAT?!?!"

"Where is she? I'm going to kill her!"

"She's upstairs. But let's let her calm down for a little bit. And me too, because I want to kill her too! She's too upset right now to even think so talking to her now won't do any good."

"Baby...we can't just sit back and let her throw her future away."

"Definitely not...once she starts her period, I'm going to take her to the doctor to start her on birth control."

"This is insane! But why...why does she want to have a baby?"

"She didn't have a reason."

***

Six months ago, to this day, is the day that my heart broke. I was told by my own child at the age of 13 that she wanted to have a baby. Things have been tense around here since then and nothing we try seems to be helping. And not knowing a reason as to why my child wants to bring a child into this world has made it even more difficult to help her. Akira still won't give us any reasoning behind her absurd idea...honestly I don't even think she knows why. She's is so damn stubborn!

We've tried everything...punishment, rewards, talking to her...nothing we say or do seems to get her to understand that the notion of a baby is much better than the reality...at least at her age. We've given her everything in the world...all the new things she wants, we've never abused or mistreated her, she's never been traumatized, and she's never experienced anything out of the ordinary...so I don't know what would cause her to make such a asinine decision. I don't know what to do. I try to allow my children to learn from their own mistakes, but this is a mistake that I would prefer she not make. Having a baby at this age would only be detrimental to her life...she'll have to leave school and probably won't ever make it to college...she's just throwing everything away. Hell, she can't even work yet because she's too young; but she'll have to earn some type of income to support a baby, even if it doing chores around the house to buy diapers. And she _will_ take care of it, because I am not about to raise another child. I have two toddlers of my own and I have to work to be able to provide for my family. Helping her is one thing...but she'll be the one raising this baby.

Her decision has done nothing but cause turmoil in our home, but through it all, she's still my baby and I have to be here to support her. Our relationship is even more strained now but I think that her relationship with her father has suffered the most. Akira has now completely isolated herself and her father feels that it's his fault and that he's failed her. Paul and Akira have always had a close relationship, even closer than his relationship with his biological children, but now it's like they're strangers. I think he put more effort into his relationship with Akira than with the twins, because he isn't her biological father and he's always wanted to show her that it didn't matter to him. An air of depression looms over the house now and we can't continue this way for too much longer. God, please see us through this storm!

We're on our way to Akira's therapy appointment with a psychologist that I was recommended to. Please don't misunderstand...my child is _not_ crazy, but we need some help right now. Akira's a good girl, but somewhere along the way she's gotten lost. She needs help that I nor her father can give to her and therapy may be our last option. I've never known anyone who's had to go to therapy and I, myself thought it was something for crazy people, but after a little research, I found that it could be a means for Akira to be able to express herself and get to the bottom of this issue. Akira needs to be able to feel free to talk to someone about where this idea came from and what she feels it will accomplish and hopefully this therapist may be the person to do that. I also found out that the therapy can also help her find ways to deal with her depression. She's gotten so depressed lately that she'll go for days at a time without eating or talking, she always seems to be in her own world inside her head, and sometimes even sleeps for days at a time. My baby is hurting and there's nothing else I know to do for her. I've tried everything I can think of and nothing has helped; so out of desperation...therapy is the next step. Hopefully this will be the answer to our prayers.

Akira

"Welcome back Good to see you again."

"You too." I say out of politeness but I really don't want to be here. I know I need help but I don't want to talk to this lady about it. I don't even know her and I know as soon as I tell her something, she's going to run and tell my mom.

"Do you remember when we first starting meeting, and I told you that I'm a firm believer in doctor-patient confidentiality?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Do you remember what I said that means?'

"That whatever I tell you, stays in here."

"Right! Now we've been meeting every week for two months and you have yet to talk to me. For two months, all we've been doing is wasting time and you're parents' money. Don't you think it's time we started talking?"

"Not really."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to be here."

"So, why are you here? It's kind of silly to be somewhere you don't want to be, don't you think?"

"My mother made me come?"

"Why is that?"

"I don't know...ask her."

"Well I've already been told by her why you're here...but I want to see why you feel you're here."

"I don't know. She told me I was coming. So here I am. It's not like I really have a choice."

"But you do have a choice. You have a choice in everything you do."

No I don't have a choice in coming here. I stare at her...hoping for this time to go by fast. I really just want to go home but I know that since I'm here...I have no choice.

"Akira, you have a choice...you may not have a choice in physically begin here, but you can choose how the time is spent. You can make it productive or make it a waste of both of our times...that a choice you get to make."

I don't reply again, because I really don't believe that I do have a choice. If I had a choice, I wouldn't be here lady!

"Your mother brought you here because she wants me to help you. She's worried about you being sad so much. Do you feel like you're sad a lot?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want help for it?"

"Yeah."

"Okay...good. Because that's something I can help you with. Is there anything else you feel you could use help with?"

"No ma'am."

"Okay...so tell me some things that you like to do."

"Nothing really...I used to like to hang out with my best friend."

"What's his or her name?"

"It's a girl...her name is Tianna."

"That's a pretty name."

"Well, what do you two do when you hang out?"

"Nothing...we don't really hang out anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because I got in trouble a while back and I can't hang out with her anymore."

"Oh...so you're grounded?"

"No, not really. She just can't come over anymore."

"Why not? Did you two do something to get in trouble?"

"No, I got in trouble and part of my punishment was that she's not allowed to come to my house anymore."

"Oh...well why can't she come if you're not grounded?"

"I don't know...that's just what they said."

"Who is 'they'?"

"My parents."

"So how long ago was it that you got into trouble?"

"Right after my birthday...in March."

"And you're still being punished for it?"

"I guess." She writes down something on her little notebook and then makes a line under it.

"Ok...so since you can't hang out with your friend...Tianna...anymore...what do you do for enjoyment now?"

"Nothing...I just stay in my room most of the time."

"And what do you do while you're in your room?"

"Sleep mostly, think, watch tv."

"Do you ever get out of your room, say take a walk around the neighborhood, play games with your family, you know...just time to get out of your room and your head?"

"No. My parents don't like me anymore so I stay out of their way."

"Why do you feel that they don't like you?"

"I just know."

"Have they ever said it to you?"

"No, but I can tell...I can feel it."

"How does it feel?"

"They get upset when I come around...everybody gets quiet... everyone gets mad at each other...I don't want my parents to fight because of me, so I stay in my room."

"How do you feel when you're around your family...around you parents?"

"Like I'm suffocating...like I can't breathe..."

"Why?"

"I don't know...when they get upset like that, I get uncomfortable and it feels like I'm stuck in a closet and need to get out."

"Do you remember when all of this started?"

"After my birthday."

"So what happened after you're birthday that caused so much to change?"

"Ty made me tell my mom that I wanted to have a baby."

"You're very young to have a baby...why you want to have a baby?"

"I just do."

"Do you think that's what caused your parents to dislike you?"

"Yes."

"So why has it gone on so long? If you want a baby, why haven't you had one yet?"

"Because I haven't gotten my period yet...but Mama says once I do, she's going to put me on birth control anyway."

"So, if she didn't put you on birth control would you still have a baby?"

"Yes."

"Do you think a baby would make things better at home?"

"I don't know...I never thought about it?"

"Ok...well since you're going to be on birth control, that'll almost guarantee you won't have a baby...what's the plan then?"

"I'm going to have a baby...no matter what!"

"Is having a baby that important to you?"

"Yes!"

"Is having a baby worth jeopardizing your relationship with your best friend and your parents?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"So Mama won't hate me. She'll hate me if she finds out..." I have to stop what I'm saying because I almost slip up and tell her my secret. Dr. Franks writes something else on her paper and circles it.

"Now let's think about this...you wanted a baby so your mother won't hate you...but you told her that you want a baby and you feel that _now_ she doesn't like you."

Honestly I'd never thought about that. It seems that no matter what she'll hate me. Now what do I do? I thought that if I had a baby, it would show Mama, but if she's going to hate me anyway...what am I supposed to do?

I shrug my shoulders, because I have no idea what to say. I'm so confused.

"So you said that you wanted to have a baby, and you're willing to risk your relationships with your best friend and your parents to do so, and you want to have a baby so your mother doesn't hate you..."

"Yeah."

"So what do you think you can do or I can do to help you fix the situation?"

"I don't know."

"What is it that you don't want your mom to find out?"

"Huh?"

"You said if that your mom would hate you if she found out...what don't you want her to know?"

"Ummm...I didn't say that."

"Yes you did. What is that you're keeping a secret?"

"Nothing."

"Okay...well let's talk about some ways that we can help you with the sadness."

We talk about some things that I could try to do to be happier and before I leave I have to promise Dr. Franks that I will try them _and_ that I will talk to her again like I did this time. I've been coming to see her a few months now and this is the first time I've actually talked to her. It really wasn't bad at all. I kind of like talking to her. She's nice and she never looks at me like I'm stupid like most people do. I also like that she makes me think about things. Sometimes I forget to stop and think about little stuff, like wanting to have a baby to keep Mama from hating me and not even realizing that she already hates me because I want to have a baby. I guess sometimes I get too focused on things and don't see other stuff...like this. But I also like her because she wants to help me. Like I said before, I know I need help, I want to be happy _and_ I want to get better. I know something is wrong with me but I don't know _how_ to fix it by myself

I was sooo hoping that Dr. Franks hadn't noticed I almost slipped and told her my secret...but of course, she did. Seeing that my plan to have a baby is pointless, I guess I'll have to think of something else. Dr. Franks did say that anything we talk about is just between us. Maybe if I tell her, she'll be able to help me come up with something else.

As we're leaving the office, I'm actually feeling pretty good right about now. It's been so long that I've felt like this and I know for sure I'm going to be using the things we talked about when I do get sad.

"Akira, Dr. Franks told me that you feel like we don't like you anymore."

Great... just when I was starting to feel better, Mama wants to start in on me. "Well you don't."

"No Akira...we love you. Your father and I do everything that we do to show you how much we _do_ love you. You just don't seem to understand it or maybe you don't want to see it. I don't know anymore. I just want my child back."

"Mama, I'm still the same person...I'm just growing up and you don't like it."

"See that's what I'm talking about... _my Akira, my baby_ wouldn't talk to her mother like that. You've been depressed, you've been angry, you isolate yourself, and you refuse to listen to anything we tell you....that's not the Akira I know. My Akira is respectful, sweet, caring, outgoing, popular, and selfless...I know you're still that same person...you just don't seem to know it."

"I know Mama and I'm sorry...but you have to let me grow up. I can't be a baby forever and you have to learn to trust me."

"But I do trust you and I know that you're growing up...I don't like it but I accept it."

"But Mama, if you trusted me, you would have let me have a baby like I wanted to."

"Here we go with the baby shit again!!! That's such a stupid idea..."

"Mama...I know it is."

"What???"

"I know it's a stupid idea... _now._ Dr. Franks made me realize it, but part of growing up is learning that things like that are stupid, but you have to let me learn it on my own."

"Wait a minute...so you think having a baby is a bad idea?"

"Yeah...I talked to Dr. Franks about it and she helped me see that."

"So why is it that when I was telling you, you still wanted to have a baby?"

"Because she didn't tell me it was a stupid idea...she _helped me see it on my own._ "

"And how did she do that?"

"Because she helped me see that I was doing it to keep you from hating me and by doing it was actually making you hate me."

"Akira...I don't hate you. I hate your idea of having a baby...not you. And why do you keep saying you want a baby to keep me from hating you? Why would you think you having a baby this young would make me love you more?"

"I _wanted_ a baby..."

"So wait...just to be clear...you don't want a baby anymore?"

"No Mama."

"Thank you Yahweh!!! Okay finish."

Laughing I say, "It's not that I wanted you to love me more, I just didn't want you to hate me forever...it's kind of hard to explain."

"Well try."

"Okay...you know when you get a shot for the flu to keep from getting sick..."

"Yeah."

"Well you know how every time I get the shot, I get sick anyway."

"Yeah."

"It's kind of like that....or I thought...it's like I'm sick now, so I thought that baby would be the shot and I get sick anyway, and even though I didn't want to get sick in the first it's still not as bad as it would've been had I not got the flu."

"So you were basically going to have a baby to cover up something even worse."

"No...to prevent something worse."

"Okay...you're confusing me."

"Me too." I say and we both laugh.

"Okay so let me try to understand...you don't want a baby anymore?"

"Yes...I mean no...I don't."

"And Dr. Franks helped you realize this because she helped you with it and not decided for you?"

"Yes."

"And you need to start being able to make your own mistakes so that you can learn from them?"

"Yes!"

"But ultimately, there's still something that you're keeping a secret?"

"Yes."

"And there's nothing I can say or do to get you to tell me this secret right?"

"Right."

"Not even if I buy you're a car, your own house, and give you a million dollars?"

"No." I say laughing.

"Okay...so let's make a deal." I can see that Mama is a little frustrated.

"Okay."

"Obviously your first 'plan' to fix the problem didn't work and only made things worse correct?"

"Yeah, I see that now."

"And you do plan on coming up with something else to 'fix the problem' right?"

"Yes ma'am...I have to." I know she doesn't trust that I know what I'm doing but I do.

"So let's make a deal that I will work on trusting you more and letting you make your own mistakes if you promise that while you try to 'fix the problem' that before you make any decisions or do _anything_ you will either tell me, your father, or Dr. Franks."

"But what if I can't tell you?"

"That's the deal Akira...I'm giving a little so you have to be willing to meet me halfway."

"But what if I want to tell someone else?"

"If you choose to tell someone else that is your decision, but I need you to tell me, your father, or Dr. Franks...because if you need help again...we are the ones who can help you...no one else."

"Okay..."

"One more time for clarification...no more baby right???"

"No Mama!"

"Okay, okay...just making sure."

"You're positive?"

"Yes!" I say laughing. I miss joking with Mama.

"Good. One more thing I wanted to talk to you about. I didn't realize this but Dr. Franks informed me that you've realized I've been mistreating you. Just goes to show that you're smarter than I am."

"I didn't tell her that."

"I know you didn't but I was...I shouldn't have kept Tianna away from you. I had no right to keep you from seeing her for such a long time, just because I was angry. And I'm sorry for that."

"That's okay Mama."

"No it's not okay. It's not right to punish you for that long or to punish you by taking away someone you love. Like I said I apologize but I didn't really realize I was doing it. So, I'm going to need you to tell me if you think I'm being too unfair or mean to you, because I overlook things sometimes...and I just don't see it. Okay?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Good."

"Mama...I know you're still worried...but I'm going to make it right okay. I'm going to do everything to show you I'm good."

"I know you're good baby. We just got off track. But you know both of us are going to have to put in a lot of work to get back to where we were."

"I know."

"It's been a long time that you've been set on having a baby, so it's still hard for me to believe, with such a sudden change of mind. I'm just letting you know...you're still going on birth control as soon as you can."

"That's fine."

Alyssa

I must admit that Akira has been doing exceptionally well the past few months. She said that she was going to try do better with her attitude and she really has. I'm so proud of her. I think the best thing that could have happened to her, to us actually, is her starting counseling with Dr. Franks. Not only has she helped Akira turn her behavior around, but she also met with Paul and me to help us to see acceptable boundaries with our discipline. I knew that the purpose of the discipline was to get her to act better, but she helped us to understand that it's also to show her what we expect from her and to show her that we care how she does in life.

I must admit that at first it was hard to take help from someone who doesn't even know our family, but her help has made me look at things from Akira's perspective as well. The only problem I have with the therapy is that Akira seems to be more open with her than she is with us. I expect her to have some hesitation with telling Paul things, but seeing that I'm her mother, she should be able to tell me anything, like she did before. Akira's still much more reserved with what she tells me but Dr. Franks told me that that's to be expected with her getting older.

***

Puberty hit Akira hard a few months after we had the session in which she diagnosed Akira with an anxiety disorder. Again...my child is not crazy. According to Dr. Franks, she just has more fear about things that other people are able to cope with. Apparently due to the hormonal changes, her anxiety levels reached a high, but that's something that we are coping with. With the counseling, she's learned coping skills to deal with the anxiety and she's able to maintain it without medication...well the coping skills and adjusting her diet. Dr. Franks told us that mental illness is not about bad behavior or her being crazy but about her brain not being able to work the same way as other people's do. Naturally, when she was diagnosed, there was a period of time in which I felt like Akira would never be able to live a normal life. But after a while of her using her coping skills and a few lifestyle changes, I see that she is just as "normal" as other teenagers.

Today is her 14th birthday and we are going out to celebrate, not only her birthday but the fact that she was able to get on honor roll! I'm telling you, my child has returned to her normal self and has exceeded who she used to be. "Akira, where do you want to go for your celebration dinner?"

"Can we go to my favorite?"

"Of course! Tianna, did you mom say that you could stay the whole weekend?"

"She didn't say, but I'm sure she won't mind."

"Well just to be sure, we'll call her and ask if that's what you two want."

"Okay."

Arriving at the restaurant, we get seated and across from us, there's a group of teenagers that Tianna and Akira wave at as we pass. "Are those some of your friends?"

"Yeah, we know them from school." Akira says and she and Tianna continue to look at the group. I wonder where their parents are?

One of the guys comes over and says, "Hey Ky. Hey Ty."

"Hey Mike." They say in unison. Akira says, "Mike this is my mom. Mama, this is Mike."

"Hello Mike."

"Hi. Ky and Ty always talk about you. At first I thought you might go to our school, but then they told me you were Ky's mom. I was shocked."

Awww...I feel so special. "Well, that's a good thing I think."

"It is...you sound pretty cool."

This young man is trying to make me blush! "Why thank you."

"Well I guess I'll see ya'll at school."

"Okay..bye!" They say again in unison and could pass for twins.

"Ky your boyfriend is flirting with Moms, you better check him."

"Boyfriend? When did this happen?"

"Mama he's not my boyfriend." Akira says as she elbows Tianna, making her spill some of her drink. "He's just a good friend."

"Well I hope not too good of a friend."

"Naw...we're just cool. Nothing serious."

"So you don't have a boyfriend?"

"Mama!"

"Mrs. Alyssa, he wants to be her boyfriend, but she has too many possibilities."

"Ky!!! Shut up!"

"Excuse me!?!?!" Why is this the first I'm hearing about the 'many possibilities' that my child has???

"Mama, she's just joking."

"She better be." I look at Tianna but can't read her face. OK...just calm down...don't sweat it. As well as she's been doing in school, there's no way she has time for a boyfriend. But I'm still hesitant about the idea of her dating. "Tianna?"

"I'm going to shut up now before I get in trouble." Tianna says with her hands in the air.

"You're not in trouble."

"I'm talking about with Ky...she's scary."

"Whatever Ty."

"Well Tianna, do you have a boyfriend?"

"Naw...I'm not into boys like that?"

"What do you mean?" Please Lord don't let this child be telling me she likes girls.

"I just want to focus on school and not get caught up with boys."

Thank you Jesus! "Oh...well that's a good thing."

"So Akira....who are all these possibilities?" I ask again because its bothering me.

"Ky you have a big mouth!"

So she _does_ have a lot! I hope she realizes she has to be careful about the things she does because it can affect her reputation. I definitely don't want my child to be seen as the town hoe. I mean, I don't really care about what people think of her as long as she's happy, but I still worry about diseases and pregnancy. The birth control itself has been a nightmare. The side effects of all the new types are pretty extreme so we've had to use the old fashion pills. Akira has been pretty responsible with them though and makes sure that she makes it a point to take them every day at breakfast. I think more so for my sanity, which is why she makes sure I see that she takes them every day. Since she has been so good about taking them and not had any more thoughts about having a baby, I won't badger her about these possible boyfriends.

I tell her, "It's okay to have boy friends, as long as you're careful about not hurting anyone's feelings and you don't get into any trouble."

"Mama...I know what you're getting at and no I'm not having sex with every boy at my school!"

"I didn't say you were, I just want you to be careful and thoughtful."

Dinner was pretty good and the little guy Mike once again came to our table and invited the girls over to hang out tonight, and assured me that there would be a chaperone present. Now I trust my daughter, but I'm not so sure about this little boy...at least not yet. So I tell him, that maybe at a later date the girls can come over as long as I can meet his parents.

Arriving home, I call Akira in the living room where the twins and I are watching tv. "Yes ma'am?" she says coming downstairs.

"Come sit down, I want to talk to you for a minute."

"Mama, we were on the phone with some friends."

"This won't take long...sit down."

She plops down on the sofa and instantly Amani climbs into her lap. It warms my heart to see how caring she is with the twins and never complains when they want her to play with them. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

"What?"

"Now don't get upset...but I want to talk to you about these boys."

"Mama, I told you...they're just friends."

"And that's fine...I believe you. And I trust that you will do the right thing."

"Thank you."

"But I also wanted to remind you that someday, you're going to be in this world alone...your daddy and I aren't going to always be here to look out for you and you're going to have to be able to take care of yourself."

"What are you talking about Mama?"

"Well one day we're both going to die and you'll have to look out for yourself."

"Mama! I don't want..."

"Wait a minute, just hear me out. One day we're going to be in heaven watching over you and the twins and you'll have to take care of yourself. Now I know you can do that because you've showed me within the past year that you have a good head on your shoulders and you're smarter than what you present. But in order for us all to be together in heaven you have to live a life that God sees fit."

"Yes ma'am."

"and that includes you not fornicating." She looks at me with a confused expression. "You have to make sure that you save yourself until you're married. But if you can't do that, God will always forgive you for your sins. But you also have to make sure that you're living right."

"I know."

"And I know that things have changed since I was growing up and what people see as normal nowadays is different from when I was growing up. But just because people pretend that's its normal doesn't mean it's right."

Akira is looking confused again and I'm sure she doesn't know what I'm talking about. Okay...let me break it down for her. "Now a lot of people see homosexuality as something that is cool, but you need to make sure that you don't stray onto that path. Being gay is not something that this family believes in, so you have to make sure that you don't let anyone put those negative thoughts in your head."

"Yes ma'am." She says barely loud enough for me to hear. She's getting uncomfortable and I can see she's getting irritated. My intention is not to stress her out but I know that kids think being gay is fun nowadays, and I have to steer her on the right path. "Is that it?"

"Do you understand what I'm telling you?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. You can go."

Akira

"Akira...telephone." Mama tells me as Tianna and I finish up our homework,

"Thanks." I tell her and wait until she leaves before I answer. "Hello?"

"Hey Ky...what's up?"

"Nothing...just finishing up my homework."

"Well I know I'll see you tomorrow at school but I wanted to invite you to a party I'm having this weekend."

"Really? And who all will be at this party?"

"Who's having a party?" Ty asks me and I tell her Mike.

"Just me and some of my homeboys."

"Well if no girls are going to be there, why are you inviting me?" I ask him with a smile.

"My boys are going to invite some of their girls over, but I wanted to invite you as my girl."

"Oh...well...I guess Ty and I can come through."

"Cool!"

"Okay, well see you tomorrow."

"Okay...bye."

"Guess where we're going this weekend." I tell Ty as I hang up the phone.

"I'm not going to Mike's party with you. You can go, but count me out."

"Ty! You're my girl...why don't you want to go?"

"Because..."

"Because why?"

"What if one of your other dudes show up? Then what are you going to do?"

"It's just going to be Mike and his crew." I hope. I didn't even think about that. But I'm sure they won't. But if someone else shows up...it's all cool...all of my guys know that I'm not serious about them. Jason, Patrick, Devon, Avant, and Mike all know that none of them are my boyfriend _and_ that I talk to other guys.

"Well I don't want to go."

"I can't go by myself."

"Ky, we've been sneaking out to hang out with your dudes every weekend since school started. I don't want to hang out with you and your boyfriend all the time. Hell, that's not any fun for me."

"They're not my boyfriends. You can get with them...I don't care."

"I don't want your sloppy seconds. It's already bad enough that you talk to every cute boy at school...that leaves me with nothing but ugly guys and girls. Now what am I supposed to do with them?"

"I told you can hang out with anybody you want to...I don't care...really!"

"No thank you."

"What, you're too good for anybody I'm talking to?"

"No...it's just that, we're like sisters...I don't want anybody you've been with."

"You act like I'm sleeping with everybody at school! You think I'm a hoe?"

"No! I'm just not that type of person."

"Ty, we're young, we're supposed to have fun. Nobody cares who sleeps with who."

"Well I do."

"Why are you trying to act all innocent all of a sudden. Hell you're the one who taught me everything I know about sex."

"I'm not saying I'm innocent. I just think you need to slow down before you catch something."

"I'm not going to catch anything. I'm careful."

"Every time Ky?"

"Well almost every time." I say and laugh. Honestly since I'm on birth control I don't really sweat guys too much about condoms but most of the time I make them wear one.

"See!"

"What?"

"You said you would every time. You lied!"

"No I didn't...I just slipped up a time or two."

"Well that's one time too many."

"Ty, why are you tripping?"

"Because I have chlamydia!"

"What?!?! What's that?"

"It's an STD."

"Oh. Well can't you get some medicine for it?"

"Yeah."

"Well it's all good then." I say with a sense of relief.

"No, it's not because you promised you'd be careful."

"Well...I am...most of the time."

"You have to go to the doctor."

"For what?"

"Because, you need to get tested for it and get medicine too?"

"How the hell am I going to tell my mama that I need to go to the doctor for an STD?"

"The same way I told mine...tell her it burns when you pee."

"Well I don't have that problem so I'm good."

"Whatever Ky. I'm leaving!"

"Wait...why?"

"Because you're making me mad!"

"I'm sorry." I say with a pouty face. Come her and give me a hug."

"I hate you." Ty says hugging me. She knows she loves me...I'm her best friend. She'll get over it!

"I love you too. Now come on...we have to find something to wear this weekend."

***

"Hey Dr. Franks!!!"

"Well hello Mrs. Akira...you sure are in a good mood today. How have you been?"

"Good."

"How's school been?"

"I made honor roll."

"Well look at you. Next you'll be valedictorian."

"I don't know about all of that. Everyone says high school is hard so I don't know."

"Honestly, high school was the easiest to me."

"Really?"

"Yep...but enough about me. What's been going on with you?"

"Nothing much...just been trying to do good. You know...gotta show my mama that I'm trying."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"Thanks."

"I really am. I'm glad you're doing so well. But..."

"Oh no...not you too!"

"What?"

"Mama's been on me about boys, and sex, and all kinds of crazy stuff. And now you're about to start too."

"No I'm not. That's not what I do. You know that."

"Yeah I know, but you were about to say something that I know I won't like."

"How do you know if you didn't even give me a chance to get it out?"

"Because adults do that...you say your proud of me and I'm doing good but there's always a catch behind it."

"That's not what I was going to say but since you brought it up...why don't you tell me what I was going to 'get onto you about'."

"The same thing Mama always says...don't sleep around, don't have sex with everybody, save yourself, live right by God, yadda yadda yadda."

"First thing...those are good points for your mom to tell you and secondly, why does it bother you so much that she tells you these things."

"Because the world is different from when she was growing up. Now you can't live like that and still fit in."

"So you want to fit in?"

"Everybody wants to fit in."

"So you have to do what everyone else does?"

"Yeah if I want to have friends."

"Okay, so are you ashamed that you're doing these things to fit in?"

"No."

"Well why does it bother you?"

"Because Mama wants me to be perfect and I can't. I'm not made like her."

"I'm sure that your mom is not perfect either and I'm also sure she doesn't expect you to be."

"Yeah she does."

"Nobody can be perfect."

"So why do people expect other people to be?"

"You'll have to ask the person who you feel expects you to be perfect to get the answer to that question."

"Yeah I guess so." She's messed up my mood already.

"Why the long face?"

"I don't know..."

"What's on your mind?"

"Dr. Franks...I like you..."

"I like you too Akira."

"And I feel like I can tell you anything and you won't judge me."

"Nope. It's not my job to judge you."

"Why can't my mom be like that?"

"I guess because you are her daughter and she wants what's best for you?"

"I can't be who she wants me to be."

"And who is that?"

"Sweet, innocent, perfect little Akira...like I was when I was little...but I'm not that person anymore."

"None of us are who we were when we were little."

"But my mom doesn't see that."

"What do you want her to see?"

"That I'm still me, but just different...older...not little anymore."

"I'm sure she sees that."

"I don't know."

"I feel like there's more to what you're saying but I'm just not getting it." Dr. Franks asks me with a confused look.

"Can I tell you something and you not tell my mom?"

"Of course."

"I'm serious. You can't tell her anything about this. I'm going to tell her eventually, I just need to figure out how."

"Well tell me and maybe I can help you think of a way."

"I slept with somebody..."

"Okay. Are you taking precautions to be safe?"

"Well...most of the time."

"If you feel like you are ready to have sex then you have to take full responsibility for that and be safe."

"I know. And I am from here on out."

"Good. What else?"

"Ty's afraid that I may have caught something."

"Have you been to the doctor?"

"No! I can't tell my mom. Besides I don't feel sick."

"Well a lot of times, you can be sick but not show any symptoms."

"Oh."

"What makes Ty think you have an STD?"

"She just does."

"Have you two shared partners?"

"No."

"Does she know the young man you slept with has an STD?"

"Ummm...not exactly."

"So you think you may have caught something and Ty thinks you caught something but neither of you know if the guy has it?"

"Kind of...not really."

"I'm confused. Help me out here Akira. If neither of you know your partner has something why would you think you have something?"

"Because she does."

"I thought you just said you don't share partners."

"Stop saying partner...it sounds gross...it sounds about as bad as lover." I tell her to give her time to figure it out.

"Akira..."

"Think about it doc...you're smart." Dr. Franks is quiet for a few seconds and then a look of shock flashes across her face so quick if you blink you would miss it.

"Akira...does she think that she got infected from you?"

"I knew you were smart."

"Through intercourse?" Raising my eyebrow, I answer her question without having to use words. "Okay...so how many part...guys and girls are there...for you?"

"I don't know...five, six maybe."

"And you've had sex with all of them unprotected?"

"No...just two."

"Well, the first thing we need to do is get you tested and if you do come back positive for an STD then we need to notify those two."

Laughing I say, "Well if I do have something, one of them already knows about it."

"Akira this is a serious situation."

"I know...I have to laugh to keep from crying."

"Don't suppress your emotions; that will make your anxiety worse."

"I'm not worried about my anxiety...I'm worried about how I'm going to tell my mom."

"How about I ask your mom if I can take you as part of your therapy?"

"I don't think she'll go for it."

"All we can do is try."

***

The next day, Dr. Franks picks me up from school early and takes me to the health department. I don't know how she did it but she convinced Mama to let her take me and Mama didn't even seem mad. I guess she didn't tell her what it was for.

"Akira." The lady at the window calls my name.

We're led back to a room with only a table and a stool and as directed I sit on the table in a paper gown. Any other time I would be nervous to be here, but for some reason I always feel comfortable with Dr. Franks.

The doctor comes in and makes me lie back with my feet up in the air and I definitely feel cheap. I sit back up and wait for the doctor to take the huge q-tip thing to check it to see if I have an STD. She also makes me pee in a cup and give blood, which I was not expecting and wish Ty were here with me instead of Dr. Franks. I wonder who went with Ty when she had to get tested? Did she have to go through all of this too? As I sit and think, I realize that I haven't been that great of a friend to Ty. I wonder why she's still my friend? I don't think I would want to be friends with someone who ditches me for guys, gets me to do things like that could get me in trouble, like sneaking out of the house at night, or who gives me a disease!

The doctor comes back in..."Well we have some good news and then we have some bad news...which do you want first?" I tell her the bad and she says, "You have chlamydia. I'll give you a prescription to clear it up as well as condoms. You need to start using them every time. I don't care what the guy says. You use them or you get up. Got it?"

"Yes ma'am."

"And the good news is...you're pregnant." And that's the last thing I hear before everything goes black.

***

I open my eyes and Dr. Franks is looking at me like she's just seen a ghost. "What happened?"

"You passed out."

"What? I've never passed out in my life."

"There's a first time for everything." Her eyes are filled with tears and I can see they're about to drop any minute.

"When..how..why?"

"You passed out when the doctor told you were pregnant."

I kind of remember someone saying that but I honestly thought it was a nightmare. But I realize I wasn't dreaming when I look around and see that I'm in the same room as I was in before I had the nightmare. "No I can't be pregnant, I..." and before I can finish my sentence, the blackness lowers over my eyes again and I begin to fall back asleep until I hear Dr. Franks calling my name.

"Akira if you pass out again I'm going to kill you." She says and now the tears are rolling down her face.

"No, I'm okay...I just got dizzy. Am I really pregnant?"

"Yep."

"No! I don't want a baby! I have to finish school and what about Ty! She'll hate me!"

"No she won't. And you can finish school..."

"Oh God! My mama is going to kill me!!!" I say as tears begin to pour out of my eyes. "Dr. Franks you have to help me."

"I'll help you think of a way to tell her...we'll talk on the way home."

"No! I don't want a baby! You have to help me...run away, get rid of it, something! Anything! But I can't tell my mom!!!"

"Akira...this is one of two consequences of your actions...you have to be responsible and own up to it."

"I can't. You don't know my mom. She really will kill me! And my daddy...he'll hate me!" I say as I burst into tears again.

"No one's going to kill you or hate you. Yes they'll be upset but no one's going to hurt you."

"You don't know my parents!"

"If you really feel like they will physically hurt you, I'll be there with you when you tell them. But you _will_ tell them."

***

As we pull up to my house, Dr. Franks makes me promise to tell my mother before the weekend is over. I agree to do so and she tells me if she hasn't heard from me by Sunday night, she'll be back at my house to tell my parents herself. She walks me to the door and rings the doorbell. "I live here. I can just walk in."

"Oh yeah. I forgot. I must be nervous." She says as I open the door and lead her to the living room.

"Hello Dr. Franks." Mama says as she sits Amari down and comes to greet her. "How was the visit?"

"It was fine. Akira has news for you all that she's going to inform you of and she'll notify me that she's told you all by Sunday night or I will be back to inform you personally." Dr. Franks says. She set me up! "Good luck Akira."

"What's going on?" Mama asks with a worried look on her face.

"Due to my respect for Akira and confidentiality, I won't say at this time, but if I haven't heard anything by Sunday, I'll break confidentiality and inform you. Here's my cell number. Call me at any time. I'm sorry."

"Akira, what is it baby?" Mama asks me with tears in her eyes, but I don't say anything because I want to talk to Ty before I tell her.

Dr. Franks says, "We can tell her now, I'll be right by your side for support if you want to go ahead and get it out of the way. You have to do it eventually."

"No. It's okay Dr. Franks, you can go. Mama I promise to tell you soon. I just want to go upstairs and lay down for a little bit."

"It's okay." Dr. Franks says to Mama and she seems a little relieved, but not much. "Physically she's fine, emotionally, she'll need time, mentally she'll need years." She says and turns to leave. "Please call me if you all need anything."

"Thank you." Mama says and walks back to the couch in a daze and sits down. I'll tell her as soon as I talk to Ty. I'm already causing her enough problems and I don't her to worry all night long.

Dragging myself upstairs, I call Ty and ask her to come over. "Ky, I'm not in the mood to deal with your drama today."

"Ty, I know and I'm sorry. That's part of why I want you to come over so I can apologize."

"You've said it. We're good. I'll talk to you later."

"Ty please!"

She sighs loudly and says, "I can't Ky."

"Please I'm begging you!"

"Okay, but I'm not staying long...so be quick."

"Thank you! See you in a minute."

***

"What's up Ky?"

"I went to the doctor today."

"Okay..."

"I got it too."

"Yeah I know."

"Ty don't be like that. Come sit down. I have to tell you something."

Rolling her eyes, she comes and sits down beside me and says "What Ky?"

"I'm pregnant."

"Stop lying!"

"I'm not...I found out today when I went to take my test."

"Are you for real?"

"Yes." I can't stop crying. "Ty, what am I going to do? I can't have a baby...Mama's going to kill me." I ask her while she hugs me.

"But I thought you wanted a baby."

"I did a long time ago, but not now!"

"Well, just tell your mom it was an accident. I mean, she can't really do anything about it now."

"Well I can't keep it."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. But I have to tell Mama tonight. Dr. Franks is making me tell her."

"Well it's not like she wouldn't find out anyway."

"Yeah I know."

"So what are you waiting for?" Ty asks me.

"Nothing...I just don't want to do it."

"You're being dramatic. It won't be that bad."

"No...it will be."

"Ky you're just pregnant....it's not the worst thing in the world."

"I guess not." Actually I know that it could be worse. I would definitely rather tell her that I'm pregnant _and_ have an STD, than the other. I thought that having a baby would make it go away...maybe just disappear, but that idea didn't work. Then I thought if I just had a chance to get out and have some fun with some guys it would help. Now look where it got me! I'm such an idiot!

"I'll help you with the baby. I mean...I can like come over and watch it while you do your homework or something. And..."

"Ty, I'm not keeping it."

"What?!?!"

"I don't want it! I can't have a baby right now...I'm not even in high school yet!"

"But Ky...you can't..."

"Tianna, I don't care...I'm not keeping it." Now she's crying! "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing." She says wiping her eyes. "I gotta go."

"No! I need you to help me."

"Help you what? I can't do anything."

"Tell Mama. Pleeeease???"

"Fine." She says and sits back down.

"We might as well get it over with."

"Are you going to tell her everything?"

I look at Tianna and knows what she's asking. But I've told her a million times that that's something I can't do. It's going to be bad enough to tell her I'm diseased and pregnant...that's more than enough news for one day. Besides I have a better chance of telling her this and staying alive than telling her that. "For what?'

"Because she needs to know."

"No she doesn't. Let's just deal with this first."

"Ky, you're so selfish! We always have to do what you want to do, when you want to do it. You never even ask me what I want to do!"

"I know! I was thinking about that earlier and I'm not a very good friend to you. You don't have to be my friend anymore if you don't want to." It'll kill me not having her as my best friend! I love her! She's like my sister and friend all in one, but she really does need a friend who will be good to her and I haven't been a good friend.

"Ky! I would never stop being your friend...I love you. You're my best friend, forever...just stop being so selfish." She tells me, hugging me and crying.

"Come on...let's go get my death sentence." I say with a laugh really, I'm afraid this will be my last day alive.

Alyssa

What in the hell is going on? What is Akira supposed to be telling me that's so important that Dr. Franks is all bent out of shape about it. It can't be that bad...Akira's been doing so well recently. I know she's not in any kind of trouble and there's been no more talk about babies. I can't figure out what it could be. Deep in thought I didn't realize the girls had come downstairs and are standing in front of me, holding hands like the two little girls who used to play together. I miss the times when they were young and innocent. I can see that both of them have been crying and my stress level escalates. "What is it?"

Looking at each other, still holding hands, neither one of them say anything. "Well at least sit down, you're making me nervous. Akira goes to sit down in the recliner and Tianna looks as if she were going to sit on the end of the couch, but Akira pulls her to the recliner with her. What's up with them? Sitting on the edge of the chair, Tianna picks at a piece of string on her pants leg from the frayed hole in the thigh. I will never understand why someone would buy a pair of pants that has holes in them. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of buying new jeans? Why the hell am I worried about her jeans? Focus on what they're her for! "What is it?"

Akira pulls Tianna's hand away from the string she's playing with and looks at her expectantly. "I'm not telling her Ky!"

"Ty, you said you would help me."

"And I am...I'm here. But you have to tell her yourself."

Tianna didn't even know she was being set up! Poor baby. Tianna and Akira have always been total opposites, so their friendship was very unexpected. But I've never known them to have a relationship that was out of balance. I've not wanted to accept it, but I now see that although Akira is the calm one of the two, she seems to hold the most power in their friendship. At first it was just little things like sending Tianna to get both of them _both_ something to drink, shutting her down when she's talking, or simply, not agreeing to do things or watch things on tv that Tianna wants to do or watch. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but it's becoming more and more obvious as Tianna pulls away from her even more. I'm sure neither of them even notices it, because in their teenage world, it's normal to them. But I feel bad for Tianna and I just want to tell her to run as fast as she can away from Akira and not come back. Now don't get me wrong Akira's not a bad person. She's sweet, and loving, and kind...but that's when she wants to be. But when she doesn't want to be, she'll make everyone's day bad.

I feel bad for Tianna. It kills me to see how sad she is after a weekend of Akira bossing her around and dictating what she's going to do. She used to spend every weekend here, but for a long time, she stopped coming and when she did she didn't stay long. Of course, for my own selfish reasons, I was always excited when she came over...it was like I got to see my long lost daughter again. But now, I feel like the protective mother and want her to be happy...even if it does mean staying away, because she deserves so much more.

"Tell her." Akira says and stares at Tianna with an evil look.

"Why don't you tell me Akira. Obviously, this is in regards to you so you should be the one telling me."

"I...I'm..." She stutters and looks down at her lap. She looks at Tianna's hand that she's still holding and lets it go, standing up and giving her a glare. "I hate you!"

"Akira! Don't you dare make her feel guilty for something you've done!"

Tianna is now in tears and has slid down into the recliner that Akira just occupied. Sobbing loudly she yells, "She's pregnant and she's got chlamydia. THERE ARE YOU HAPPY NOW KY!?!?" and runs upstairs.

"WHAT?!?!" Akira, baby...please tell me this is a joke."

Akira falls back onto the couch and says, "Nope. But don't worry..." and she hands me a piece of paper from her pocket. It's a prescription from the health department, then she hands me another that's a prescription for prenatal vitamins.

"What about your birth control? What about school?"

"I missed a couple of days here and there. I thought it would still work."

"Why weren't you using condoms?"

"I did, but sometimes...I messed up."

"Why did you do this? I thought you didn't..."

"Honestly it was an accident! But I'll take care of it."

"You're damn right you will! I hope you don't think I'm going to take care of _your_ baby. You made the choice and got pregnant so you'll be responsible and..."

"I meant...I'm not keeping it Mama."

"The hell you're not!"

"I'm going to get rid of it." And it shocks me how she has absolutely no emotion towards the child that is growing inside of her. She's become someone I don't even know anymore.

"No you are not! We don't believe in abortions in this family. No child is a mistake and you're just going to have to deal with it."

"No Mama! I can't take care of a baby."

"Yes you will...you're going to have this baby and you're going to take care of it if I have to force your hands every minute of the day."

***

And that was the last discussion we had about her not wanting her baby. Well babies...in her sixth month of pregnancy, we found out that she was having twins. Akira fought us the whole time with her pregnancy. She was adamant that she wasn't going to care for them, but my hope was that she would eventually come around. Never being a stubborn child, Akira's refusal throughout the pregnancy was a shock to me. I wish I could get inside her head for just a minute to see what's going through her mind. But at the same time, I think what I see would scare me.

And poor Tianna...she's the one I'm worried about the most. She's been with Akira every step of the way. I wish it were something that I could do to get her to see that she deserves a better friend than what Akira has been to her. Now don't get me wrong, I love my baby. She still means the world to me. I mean, yeah I've been hard on her in the past for the way she's acted and for things she's done, but still in my eyes she's perfect. And yes, I was upset when I found out she was pregnant, but still it didn't change how I felt about her. I just wish she would take more responsibility with the girls than she does. Since school has been out, Tianna spends almost every night at our house, getting up with the girls, feeding them, reading to them...everything that Akira should be doing but doesn't. Akira does the bare minimum...but only when no one else is around. If she's on her own, yeah she'll feed them and change them, but nothing more.

Dr. Franks has put her on medication for post-partum depression, because along with the changes in her life, her hormonal changes, and her anxiety, she says that there is a higher risk of suicidal attempts. I'm sure Akira wouldn't do anything to hurt herself, but agreeing to the medication was something I did because the depression was debilitating. She wasn't able to get out of the bed, she didn't eat...nothing seemed to be able to snap her out of her haze. With the medication, she at least was able to eat again and was somewhat back to her normal self. And conversations...pretty much non-existent now, but thankfully she does talk to Tianna some.

My biggest worry is her not bonding with the girls. The babies are 3 months old now and Akira still doesn't show any interest in them. I know that they're getting to the age where they can realize who their mother is, and unfortunately I'm sure they think that Tianna is. There's nothing else that I can think to do to help. I can't force her to have an interest in her children... _she_ has to want to. I've really been second guessing my decision to force her to keep the babies. Akira told me from the beginning she didn't want a baby, but to me it's important that she knows she has to deal with the consequences of her actions. There's no way she could live her life on the right path of God if she would have killed her baby...babies. By having the babies, she's saved her soul. She doesn't see that now, but later she'll thank me for it.

Akira

"Ky? Ky?" Tianna calls me.

"Yeah."

"Get up. Come on...it's nice outside. Let's take the girls to the park."

"I don't feel like it." I tell her and pull the covers back over my head.

"I don't care. They need to get out and get some fresh air. We've been stuck in the house for months. Besides, I'll do you some good to get out too."

"No."

I feel Ty stirring around on the bed. Peeking out, I see she's puts the babies in the little bouncy chair things that Mama got them. Coming back to the bed, she pulls the covers completely off the bed and flips me over onto my back. "Ky, you can't continue to do this. You have to get out of the bed. I do everything for the girls and you don't even try."

"Well you can have them." I say rolling back onto my stomach.

"Ky!!! How could you say that?"

"I told ya'll I didn't want a baby to begin with so what makes ya'll think I want two?"

"You can't just give them away."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not right."

"Ty, I'm not right! Why would I want them anyway? I'll just mess them up."

"No you won't. You just have to try."

"I can't Ty. Something's wrong with me! Something inside of me tells me not to do anything for them." I say hoping she won't think I'm crazy. At least, I don't think I am. I've never said anything before about it, but I felt the need to tell her because it's starting to scare me.

"You're just feeling guilty. You have to stop lying and you'll feel better."

"No, it's not that. Something in my head tells me to not take care of them. Even when I want to, something tells me to leave them alone or I'll hurt them."

"No you won't. You're their mother. You won't hurt them."

"Yes I will. Something tells me if I take care of them, I'll hurt them!"

"Ky, you're just making excuses to not take care of them. You know I don't mind helping you, but you have to help. And you have to tell your mom what's going on."

"Yeah...I'm going to tell her."

"Really???" Tianna asks me and looks at me like she doesn't believe me. "Yeah...soon...I just have to get it together in my head."

"I don't believe you."

"I am...seriously... today. You go ahead and take them to the park and that'll give me some time to think about it."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes. I promise."

I help Ty get the girls bathed and watch them while she takes a shower. I really do like them...they're actually pretty cute...but they scare me. I've been thinking about it for a while now and I know that I don't want to live like this anymore. I won't live like this anymore. Sometimes I feel so tired that I can't even get out of the bed and I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want to be happy again. Something inside my head tells me that I can be happy, but I'm not sure if I believe that. But I want to be happy to be happy again. People always say being different is a good thing and it's something you should be proud of, but let me tell you from experience...it's not!

Alyssa

"Akira, Tianna said she's taking the babies to the park." Mama says to me as I step out of the shower. I think I'll wear my favorite shorts and shirt today.

"Yeah...I think I'm going to join her."

"Well if you hurry you can catch her."

"I'll catch up to her. I have to do something first."

"Baby, I'm so glad you're getting out of the house. I'm sure it'll make you feel much better." I am so excited. Maybe she's finally coming around. Other than her doctor's appointments, this is the first time she's been out in months. She hasn't even been to the babies' appointments!

"Yeah. That's what Ty says." I say as I put on my shirt.

"Well good. Hurry up! I'm sure she and the babies will be happy to see you there."

I doubt it, I think and sit down. "Can I get ready alone Mama?"

"Sure baby, I'm sorry. I'm just so happy." She says as she hugs me and then leaves.

***

And _that_ was the last time I saw her. That day, two months ago, she left hugging everyone good-bye and walked out the house. I thought she would come be back with Tianna, but when Tianna came back without her, I asked, "Where's Akira?"

"I don't know. When I left she said she was going to think while I took the girls to the park."

"No. I talked to her as you were leaving and she said she was going to meet you there."

"Well, she never showed up."

Becoming concerned, I went up to her room to see if maybe she'd come back home without me noticing but I knew that she hadn't. When I got to her room, she wasn't there, even though I knew she wouldn't be. But there was a letter on the bed...slowly, I opened it and read:

Dear Mama,

I know that you've been disappointed in me in the past couple of years and I'm sorry for all I've put you through. I needed help but didn't know how to get it. I'm sorry for everything but I don't know what else to do. I want to be normal and I want to do right, but I don't know how. Something's wrong with me. Sometimes I hear voices and they tell me to do things. They tell me that I don't like the babies. Mama, I swear I don't want to hurt them, so that's why I never do anything with them. Mama I just honestly never wanted a baby, I just didn't want you to hate me. I'm sorry for sleeping with all those guys and for getting an STD too. But most of all I'm sorry for getting pregnant. I know you didn't want me to have a baby and I promise you I really didn't try. It was just an accident. I can tell you the truth now, because I've already failed you and because I'm gone forever. You always told me that I have to live a life that God wants and to be a good girl. And I promise you, I really did try. But no matter what I did, I couldn't make myself right. I never wanted to tell you because I didn't want to hurt you but I love you too much not to tell you why I'm gone. I never wanted to hurt you and I always tried to fix it, but no matter what I did, I couldn't stop liking girls. I kept it from you because I didn't want you to hate me because I love you so much. I'm so sorry! Please take care of my girls and tell Tianna I love her...she'll always be my best friend.

Do you remember when you told me that one day I'm going to be on my own and you and daddy would be in heaven watching me and I would have to make sure that I live right to be able to make it to heaven to be with you again? Well, I'll be waiting on you two.

I love you Mama, tell daddy and the twins I love them too, and tell my babies about me one day.

Goodbye...until Heaven.

Akira

I'll never give up hope on ever seeing my baby again. I just wish she felt she could've told me and that I would still accept her. I don't know where I went wrong as a parent. I did everything I thought was right to raise my baby and it still didn't matter. I've lost her! Dr. Franks says that there's a chance that she'll come home and the police say that it just seems that she another teenage runaway. I hope with all my being that they're right. But she said "gone forever." My mind tells me to accept that she's gone...that she's never coming back. But my heart tells me to not give up because my baby is still alive. I know which one I want to believe but I'm scared to know which is right. All I can do for now is take care of her babies the best I can and wait until heaven to be back with my baby. But I'm still hoping she'll come home before I make it to Heaven.

###

A note to the reader:

This part is always the hardest and most thought about part for me. The book comes easy due to my inspiration, but knowing what to say afterwards is difficult for me.

I don't claim to be an author because I don't have the talent, discipline, knowledge, or poise a true author does. I am and always will be a social worker who's recently found another passion. Social work is all I've ever known and it's my true love. So, I write, as a social worker, to show with people that how they raise their children makes a difference. I want people to realize that what they do and say is being processed through their child's mind, even if they don't think it is.

As adults, we sometimes forget that we see the world in a way that our children's minds aren't able to see it and that we are setting the foundation of how they will react to the world. What we say and do as parents are shaping our children into who they are going to be and we have to be conscience of who we are building. My books are not to judge or criticize anyone about their parenting, but I want to open up people's eyes to what we are doing.

I don't really have anyone in particular to thank, but my books are my way of acknowledging all the children I have encountered, helped, and unfortunately even the ones I've lost. Every child deserves to be loved and guided with passion and respect. In my eyes, there are no bad kids, just ones who have suffered in life and have gotten lost along the way.

Thank you and please review so I can see if I should continue in my new venture of reaching people all over the world to help save a child's life. Thank you all!!!

###

Also by REAN:

Innocence of the Innocent

TIFFANY

I'm sitting in the empty living room alone, and am thoroughly embarrassed, because I just made a fool of myself. Speaking in crowds makes me nervous and with all these people here, it's a little too much for me. God, why do I have to be so weird! I wish I could be like other people and simply talk without sounding like an idiot. Every time I open my mouth to speak, nothing ever comes out right. Oh God, please don't let her sit next to me! Please keep walking...please keep walking! Shit, she's coming towards me! And just my luck...she sits down next to me. I wish I could just disappear into the sofa. Man, I knew I should have hid. Any other time I would be invisible, but nooooo, everyone just has to talk to me today! I hate these family get togethers.

"Hey Sweetie!"

Smiling, I say nothing. Maybe, if I don't speak nothing, stupid will come out. Just focus on the carpet and sit still Tiffany...maybe she'll forget you're here.

"Are you okay?"

Slowly I nod my head, so that I won't have to answer her.

"So, how is everything?"

Please stop fucking talking to me!!! "Fine," I whisper.

Yes!!! Lisa's coming this way! "Hey Tiffany. You good?" Lisa asks and my eyes light up. I love this lady...she is my heart! But why in the hell did she ask me that...don't she know that I can't talk!

"Yeah." I finally say.

Lisa winks at me and says "Okay...you know I got you!" Yeah I know. She always looks out for me. Lisa is the only person that cares about me. If I ever have a problem or get scared she is always there for me and I love her for that. She is the only person I can talk to...about most things. Looking up, I realize she's walking away...no!!! Lisa don't leave me...please come back. No luck, I think to myself as she's walks out the door.

"So it's everyone who gets just one syllable answer and not just me? Good because my feelings were going to be hurt." Shut up I think...wait, what? Why would she want me to talk to her?

"Why?" I ask.

"Why what sweetie?"

"Why, umm, why would" spit it out Tiffany! "Umm, why would your feelings be hurt?" Shit, why can't I talk without sounding like a retard?

"Because I'm your sister and I want to talk to you."

"Oh...why?" Why would she want to talk to me? I'm only 13 years old and she's grown. What could we possibly have to talk about?

Marie laughs and asks, "Why not?" I reply with a shoulder shrug.

I just want to go home! What time is it anyway? I go to pull out my pocket watch to look at the time but my hand won't move. Yeah I said pocket watch...I'll admit it, I'm a dork. Discovering that my hand won't move, I think to myself...Oh god, I'm paralyzed...I can't move...great, now I can't talk or move! Wait, can you really become paralyzed from fear? I try to get into my pocket again but nothing happens. I look at my hand to see why it won't move and realize that Marie has decided to intertwine her fingers in mine and is holding my hand. When did she do that?!?! And who does that??? Creepy!!! You don't just hold a stranger's hand, especially not like that! It's too personal and it makes me uncomfortable...I hate people touching me!

Please God don't let her realize that my hand is sweating. Why can't she just leave me alone? Why can't she just go away and find someone else to talk to? And where the hell did Lisa go...why didn't she take me with her?

Still holding my hand, she looks at the ring I have on my thumb and says, 'that's pretty." It's a simple silver band on my left thumb that looks like nothing special, but to me it means everything. Lisa gave it to me a long time ago and I cherish it. Honestly, it's the only thing I have that I can call mine. She has one just like it and she said as long as we wear them, even if we aren't together, we're still connected. That's why I love Lisa. She thinks about me, even when no one else does.

To most people I am invisible...but not to Lisa. It's easy for me to disappear and no one notice because I don't talk much; I'd rather watch people to know what's coming. Not talking and being invisible helps me... it helps me to deal with the life I live and the things I have to go through. I can't change my life, so I have to find ways to survive.

Getting lost in my thoughts, I forget that Marie asked me a question and now I can't even remember what it was. She's staring at me and I'm beginning to get uncomfortable. Think, think, think...what did she ask you? I can't remember! Say something before she thinks you're an idiot! "I gotta go" I say and jump up to leave.

"Where are you going?" Marie asks as she looks at me and smiles pulling me back to my seat.

Nowhere. I want to say but it won't come out. I just shake my head no and look back down.

"What, you can't talk now?"

Naw bitch...I can't talk so why don't you shut up! I think and I quietly giggle

"You don't talk much do you?"

"Sometimes." I try to pull my hand away again but she holds it tighter.

"I'll be right back" Marie says as she gets up to leave the room. As soon as she exits, I jump up and go to the bathroom. Maybe she'll forget about me and I can hide and bask in my own weirdness in peace. I hate being around people!

***

I'm at my Aunt Sidney's house because she's having a party and everyone on my dad's side of the family is here. Most of the people I don't even know because I never spend time with my dad's family...or my dad. I figured that since no one ever sees me it would make it easier for me to go unnoticed, but for some reason, today everyone wants to speak to me. My Aunt Sidney is my dad's sister and she's pretty nice, but I don't really like meeting new people. Mama knows this but she made me come anyway.

I am the second youngest of 4 girls. My baby sister is Gabriella and she is the sweetest baby I have ever known. She's not like most little sisters who get on your nerves...she more like a little doll, at least that's what everybody says. She's only 4 years old and she is my mom's favorite daughter. My oldest sister is Marie, she's the one I'm hiding from. I don't really know her, but she's my dad's daughter who lives in another state. I can't remember which state it is but I know its somewhere up north where it snows a lot. Then there's Lisa, my second older sister, who's 9 years older than me.

Now here's where it gets kind of confusing...we all have the same mom except Marie...but only me and Marie have the same dad. Lisa's dad, Perry, died when she was little...I think from a car wreck. Then Ma got with Marie's dad and I was born. I call him Marie's dad because I've only seen him a few times in my life. And of course, he's never lived with us, so I don't know him as my dad. From what I heard, he's married to Marie's mom and lives somewhere in the same town as we do, but he cheated on her and that's how I was made.

When I was about 3 was when Mama met Ricky and told me I have a new daddy. A couple of years after I met my new daddy he moved out but still a few years later, Gabriella was born. Those two years were the best years of my life. Gabriella is the only one of us who has a white daddy, which doesn't bother me; but what does bother me is that he was my daddy first and now he only sees Gabi. It's okay though because I still love him. When I get married, I want to marry a guy like Ricky...he was always really nice to me.

Back to the problem at hand. I need to find Lisa ASAP and talk her into getting me out of here. All of these people are making me nervous and I definitely don't want to have to talk to Marie again. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like her, it's just that I don't know her and meeting new people scares me. I take my time in the bathroom and know that I'm stalling since I've washed my hands twice and I've read all the labels on the prescriptions in the medicine cabinet. Finally, I get the nerve to peek out the door and make sure no one's around. Once and I see that the coast is clear, I slip off down the hallway to the right of the bathroom and look in all the empty room to find the perfect place for me to hide for a while. As soon as I get ready to go up the stairs to the bedrooms on the second floor, my heart drops.

"There you are! I was looking for you!" I slowly turn around, seeing that Marie has snuck up behind me, and of course, she's standing there, smiling at me. "Come on we have to run to the store to get more ice." I try to stall and find an excuse to stay because I don't want to go with her...but nothing will come to my mind. "Umm my mom will get mad if I leave without telling her." Okay, I lied...so sue me.

"I asked her if I could take you with me and she said it was okay." She says, as if she already knew I would make an excuse to get out of it.

Thanks a lot Mama! "Oh" is all I can say as I slowly drag my feet and begin walking towards her. I guess I wasn't moving fast enough because she grabs my hand again and practically drags me to the front door.

Closing the front door behind me, I see Lisa sitting on the porch talking on her cell phone as she glances back to see who's coming out. I look at her and beg her, with my eyes, to save me but she just looks at me and smiles. She knows I'm begging...the polite thing for her to do would be to help me, but she doesn't. She makes me so mad sometimes. She always tells me I need to stop being so shy and get to know new people. I guess she thinks I'm taking her advice and "breaking out of my shell" but really in reality, I'm being held hostage and kidnapped! And she's just sitting there smiling. Continuing to plead with her through my eyes, she finally puts the phone to her shoulder and asks where we're going. Marie tells her we are running to the store to get ice and Lisa says that she was just about to take me home with her.

Yes! I knew she would come through for me! I try to pull my hand out of Marie's to go sit beside Lisa but Marie keeps a tight hold saying "We'll be right back. Plus, I want ya'll to stay so for my big announcement." Lisa looks at me with a pitiful smile like "hey, I tried" and goes back to her conversation. Damn! Can this day get any worse?

MARIE

Tiffany is my baby sister and she is so adorable! She's an unusual little bird but adorable nonetheless. I can tell that she's terrified amongst the crowd of people and I want to comfort her. The only problem with that is, that I'm one of unknowns of the crowd. When she was just a baby, I moved to Maine and wasn't part of her life growing up, so she does not know me as her sister. Of course she knows that I am her sister but she doesn't know me like she knows her other sisters. I was devastated when I found out that my dad had gotten her mother pregnant, so when it was time for me to go to college, I picked a college as far away as possible. I always knew that my dad stepped out on my mom, but I was devastated when I found out he had another child. I was the only child all my life and when I became an adult he decided to have another child, and not with my mother...just ridiculous! I don't know why my mother puts up with him and all his bullshit but if she likes it, I love it.

I glance over at Tiffany and she's practically clinging to the window to keep as far away from me as possible. I'll admit, my feelings are a little hurt but it's okay because I know she'll warm up to me.

"Seatbelt missy" I say and she looks at me as if I have two heads. Slowly she pulls it across her chest and buckles it all while looking as if I am going to kidnap her. I chuckle a little and we head to the store.

"So, what do you like to do for fun?" I know it's corny but I'm trying to find a way to make her a little more comfortable. Shit she's so uncomfortable, she's making me uncomfortable. Maybe talking about herself will break the ice and get her to talking. Everyone knows that a teenager's favorite thing to talk about is themselves. But of course she doesn't answer and just shrugs her shoulders.

"You don't know or you just don't want to answer." Another should shrug. Okay...this is going to be harder than I thought.

"So you want me to just shut up and leave you alone?" No answer. At least she didn't shrug her shoulders again. Too bad...not going to happen.

"I know you're not always this quiet." She smiles. Okay,now we're getting somewhere.

"You can turn the radio station if you want...there's some cd's on the floor if you want to look through them."

"No thank you." She's so polite...such a sweet child. Now, if she would only talk.

"So...."

The awkwardness is tense but I want Tiffany to know that she can be comfortable around me. She seems to be a really shy and lonesome girl but I can tell that she is a true sweetheart. I wonder what's going through that little head of hers.

As we enter the store, I figure that we could walk around for a little while and eventually something will catch her eye and I can get her to talk. The smell of the bakery section calls my name, making me crave something sweet. Just to make conversation I ask her what kind of cake she likes.

"I don't know."

"Okay...well I know you're allergic to strawberries so I guess that's out of the question. Just pick whatever kind you want." She looks at me with a surprised look and shyly smiles.

"What you didn't think I knew that. You're my baby sister, I'm supposed to know things like that."

Tiffany makes no attempt to select a cake so I grab a chocolate cake, turning to her for confirmation and she shakes her head yes. "Do you cook or bake?" I ask.

"Sometimes." And that's all i get. Lord this child is hard. Looking at her, I dissect her and try to figure out what has made her so afraid to open up and talk. She has perfectly flawless skin, long flowing black hair, and a shapely developing body that most women would die for, so I would imagine she would have pretty high self-esteem. From what Aunt Sidney tells me, she does great in school so I know she's not slow. What is it that has made her so shy? What could have happened for her self-esteem to be so low?

Just by her looks and smarts alone, she should be the happiest child in the world...but her eyes tell a different story. I'm not very exposed to children, so I don't know much about them, but I know that any other teenagers who has the brains and looks she does would be so self-centered and conceited that you couldn't pay them to shut up talking. I also know from being a nurse that many children who are like her are often abused or mistreated in some way. The ones who are quiet and make little eye contact are always the ones who grab my heart. I guess their sincerity and selfless personality is what draws me in. But every time one comes in, when you look into their eyes, you can see the hurt and pain buried deep inside. It terrifies me that I see the same thing when I look at Tiffany and my eyes instantly tear up at the thought of someone hurting her. I know I have never been in her life but I love her and I'll kill anyone who hurts her. I know I have no proof and it's just suspicion, but you tend to think like that in my field of work.

I know I'm getting emotional over something I don't even know is true, but before I can stop myself, I embrace her in a hug and feel how rigid she is. She doesn't hug me back and just stands there, as stiff as a board, like a hug is a foreign concept to her. Pulling back, I look at her, and a look of sheer terror is on her face. I knew it would make her uncomfortable, but I couldn't help myself. I'm an emotional and very affectionate person and thinking about her possible pain made me hug her. I felt like I needed to hug her, not just for me but for her as well. I try look into her eyes to see something, anything, that would give me a clue but she looks down in her normal manner. She never makes direct eye contact with anyone and that scares me shitless.

As consolation, I grab her hand again and we walk to get the ice, handing her the cake while I carry the two bags of ice to the checkout. As soon as we're in the car, Tiffany quickly puts her seatbelt on and stares straight forward with no emotionless. Damn it, I'm going to get this child to talk if it kills me! As I start the car I ask her "So Miss Tiffany, do you want to go anywhere else while we're out?" Furiously she shakes her head no.

"What are you going to do for the whole summer now that you're out?" She shrugs her shoulders saying she doesn't know. Oh well, I tried. I'm a pretty talkative person and I don't think I've ever had to try this hard to get someone to talk to me. Maybe as the day goes on...it'll get better.

We arrive back at the house and as soon as I turn the car off Tiffany jumps out the car and leaves the cake on the seat. She opens the back door and grabs the two bags of ice and damn near sprints towards the house. I yell to her that I will get the ice but she doesn't answer and keeps walking. Damn that child is fast, I think as I close my door and when I look up she's already gone.

LISA

I hate coming to these family functions, especially since these people aren't my family. Of course, Leslie felt that it would be polite for me to come since they've "always considered me a part of the family." Just because this is Tiffany's family does not mean that I have to deal with them too. And of course, if I wouldn't have come, Mama would've been on a warpath. Honestly, I don't mind coming too much because I know it makes Tiffany feel a little bit more comfortable. I love both of my sisters dearly, and would do anything in the world for them, so here I am, stuck celebrating with a family that isn't even mine. This time, the family wanted to get together because Marie is back in town. I think they just like to find an excuse to get together and eat, but hey, free food and free liquor is always a plus. There's supposed to be a big announcement during this thing, but of course everyone has eaten and now they're just standing around like people don't have better things to do. I hate to say it, but if it doesn't happen soon...I'm out.

***

I make my way to one of the coolers by the house, grab a beer, and sit under a tree in the shade. Gabriella, who we call Gabi, runs up to me and is talking a mile a minute about trees, or elephants, or some shit in her 4 year old mind that it the best thing in the world. I try to keep up with what she's saying but between her fast talking and constant bouncing around, I can't focus. The one thing I love about children her age is how gullible they are so I tell her to go and find Mama to tell about her exciting news. I know its mean but this party has put me in an ill mood and that child is too hyper for me to deal with right now. As soon as I mention of Mama, she's like a schizophrenic on crack and her short little mind is already focused on her next adventure.

Man, this family is a unique bunch! They're all an array of colors and heights, seemingly, the commonality is the insanity running through their bloodline. Most of the people here are family members of Tiffany's dad and neighborhood friends, but of course that bastard doesn't have the decency to even show up. Mom and Tiffany's dad, Ray, hooked up for a while after my dad passed away and he's been a pain in my ass ever since. My dad was killed when someone ran him off the road on his way home from work. It was never determined who the hit and run driver was, but since that day, Moms has never been the same. Mama became depressed and has been looking for love ever since. Unfortunately, she keeps hooking up with men who only stay around for a minute. Now don't get me wrong my mother is a good woman. The house is always clean, clothes and dishes are always washed, and a home cooked meal is ready every day for dinner. But she says that you only get a true love once in a lifetime and my dad was hers. I wish she could find someone to make her happy like she used to be. Someone who would take away some of the pain in her heart, but that's not up for me to decide. I think she thought that Ray was the one who could take the place of her former love, but soon after Tiffany was born, Mama found out that Ray was already married. Ray was a cool guy in the beginning and was good to us, but his true colors eventually came out. We would do things as a family and he treated me like I was his own child, but little did we know he had another family across town. Once mama found out, she told him that he would be able to see Tiffany as much as he wanted, because she wanted him to be a part of Tiffany's life. Unfortunately for Tiffany, Ray has only come around a few times in the past 13 years....definitely not enough for her to consider him her father.

And then there's Ricky. Ricky is, Gabriella's dad, whom moms said swept her off her feet from day one but she always knew that she did not love him. Ricky is a great dad and he gets Gabi on most weekends and a couple of times during the week. He always makes sure she's taken care of and she wants for nothing. I truly think that Ricky loved Mama but she just never treated him right. When Mama was with my daddy and Ray, she treated them like kings. She would cater to them and spoil them, saying "that's what a good wife does for her husband." I'm not sure about all that, but I can never imagine myself catering to any man...husband or not, but Mama lived by it. But with Ricky, that's how he treated Mama. He always brought us gifts, he took us out to eat, played with us, talked to us about things that interested us and made sure we had everything we wanted and not just needed. But for some reason, Mama never treated him like she cared about him. Eventually he got tired of being unappreciated and gave up on trying, but true to his word, he has never forgotten about Gabi.

Getting lost in my thoughts, I'm startled when somebody sits so close to me that they're damn near in my lap. I look over and see Tiffany, looking like this is the most miserable day of her life. Smiling I think to myself that she's just as miserable as I am.

Tiffany is kind of different...she doesn't say much and doesn't do very well around strangers, but once you get to know her, you can see that she has a personality that most people would kill for. T's always been a shy child, but within the last year, she seems to have changed. She's no longer her happy self and most of the time just mopes around like her puppy ran away. I don't know what's caused the change, but I miss the old T...I miss her laughing at anything and joking around like she doesn't have a care in the world. "What's up chick?" I ask her and she looks at me like I just shit on her brand new sneakers.

"Bored...and I want to go home."

"What do you want to go home for? You know as soon as you get there you're going to be bored there and want to go somewhere else."

She gets a devilish grin on her face and says, "Well let's go somewhere else?"

"Like where T?" I ask with fake annoyance. I should have known she was going to say that.

"We can go to your house and hang out...anywhere as long as it's not here."

"T, this is your family, we all had to come so that you could spend time with your family."

"Well, nobody asked me if I wanted to come."

"That's because you would've said no. Besides, you know your mother loves spending time with your aunt Sidney."

"That's the only reason we had to come...because mama wanted to come. She gets on my nerves!"

"What is it with you and mama nowadays? Ya'll are always at each other throats."

"I don't know" she mumbles and shrugs her shoulders. "She just gets on my nerves?"

"Yeah sometimes she can be a little much." Then she gives me that smile and wraps her arms around me saying. "Come on...lets sneak out of here."

"Out of where? We're already outside. We would have to be inside to sneak out."

"You know what I mean. Pleeeaaase can we go?"

"Where are we going to go?"

"I don't know....anywhere." I ignore her request because I don't want to fall into her charm and we'll both have to hear it from Mama about being rude and running off.

"How was your ride with your sister?"

Pulling away from me, she looks down at her hands solemnly and shrugs her shoulders

"I don't know. She makes me uncomfortable. And she's weird."

I let out a slight chuckle because to her, everyone is weird. "You call everybody weird. You even say you're weird so ya'll should get along."

"No, she's really weird...like weird weird."

"What do you mean weird weird?"

"You know how when you're around a murderer or a weirdo and they make you feel weird. She's that kind of weird!"

I let out a loud laugh at that one! " You have never been around a murderer so how would you know?"

"You know what I mean! She just makes me uncomfortable. And she touches me too much."

"You are a mess. Maybe she's just affectionate. Or maybe she's just trying to get to know you."

"I don't know but I don't like it."

"Well you don't mind when I touch you, I say as I poke her in the side and she squirms from the tickle.

T lays her head on my shoulder and asks "do you think I'm weird?"

I wrap my arms around her and lean against the top of her head. "No sweetie...I think you're great. I mean yeah you get nervous a lot for little stuff but you'll grow out of it. At your age, the world is starting to look different and people are looking at your differently from how they saw you when you were a little kid so it's okay to be nervous. But you have to make sure that you let them know that you're strong and not afraid of them."

Releasing one arm from her and leave one around her shoulder, I have to pull away to not get emotional because of my budding little sister. I'm so proud of her and the young woman that she's struggling to become. After taking a sip of my beer, I hand it to her as I glance around at the guests. Tiffany hands the beer back to me...empty. "Did you drink all of it???"

She giggles, nodding yes and I know she's lying. "Let me smell your breath." She giggles again and scoots away shaking her head. "Come here and let me smell your breath." I say as I try to grab her knowing she didn't drink it. As I reach to grab her leg, she jumps up and runs away giggling no. Chasing her and eventually catching her around the side of the house, she admits she poured it out because I "didn't need to be drinking it." I love this girl! Even though she did waste a perfectly good beer.

"Come on." Let's blow this joint!" I tell her, running to my car with my arm around her shoulder. Once inside the car, I text moms telling her I will bring Tiffany home later. I'll just have to deal with her fussing later when I drop her off.

