Reddit stories from r/AskReddit
What's the dumbest thing someone has told
you?
We were on in a summercamp, and when i opened
a flashlight during a storm (it was also night)
he started yelling at me to shut it off because,
apparently, light attracts lightning...
Shine it on him and tell him you are going
to zap the stupid away.
I actually did shine it on him, but he run
and locked himself in the restroom...
"I don't have to wear a condom because I smoke
weed and it makes me sterile."
He was a 15 year old kid that had a job cleaning
houseboats.
I had a grown ass woman I worked with tell
me this.
She would have unprotected sex with her boyfriend
and hadn’t gotten pregnant.
She thought that it was because she smokes
SO MUCH weed.
She was pretty dumb all around but this one
really blew me away.
Granted, I was working as a server at a sushi
restaurant.
And as far as I know she still isn’t pregnant,
so.... maybe she was onto something?
Can’t believe someone else has also heard
this nonsense.
A blowjob doesn't count as cheating because,
and I quote, 'it doesn't include the genitals.'
What the hell does that person think a penis
IS?!
?
A third leg probably.
"I don't want to swim in the ocean because
I might get pregnant by a sperm whale" the
person who said this?
F18.
What the actual fuck.
This girl thought she was pregnant and I asked
her why.
She held out a stick of chapstick as if that
explained anything.
I asked how that explained anything and she
pointed to the ingredients list, and specifically
towards something like “sperm whale fat.”
She thought she got pregnant by applying sperm
whale products to her lips lmao
Edit: her face lips, not her labia
I sat next to a girl in bio who got 40% on
our first test.
She seemed quite pleased and said that now
she only needed to get 40% again to have an
average of 80%.
If it was a maths test, her 40% score would
totally check out.
You mean 4%, right?
“Pumpkins aren’t natural, because they
last too long”
I then explained the concept of skin and how
long jack-o-lanterns last compared to an unbroken
pumpkin, and you should should have seen the
look on her face
Wait until they find out most of the apples
and potatoes they eat in winter are stored
in cellars for months before they are sold
at the store 😂 hell a properly stored potato
can last for a YEAR under the right conditions
lol
Watching a sunset on the ocean one day when
a late teens person asked me why the ocean
doesn't put the sun's fire out.
It does.
That's why night exists duh
Also fog is just the steam from dunking the
sun in the ocean.
A girl from Florida once told me 'because
Australia is upside down, left is right and
right is left'.
I am Australian and told her she was right
and not many people know that!
I also had a girl from Florida inform me that
"Aussie accents are so cute."
When I, desperately trying to sleep with her,
informed her that I thought her accent was
also cute, I was hit with this classic:
"What?
Americans don't have accents!"
A girl in my geology class once said that
the oceans were so polluted because the dirty
animals wash themselves in it, that was in
8th grade
It gets some logic, though.
Though in my country it was more jokes level
for kids: why sea water is salty?
Because fishes pee in it (or people, depending
on conversation context).
Also it was "why herring is salty - because
swim in salty water" or "why sea water is
salty - because herring swims in it" (in our
country herring is quite popular fish and
some years ago you could get it only canned
with salty water for conservation.
Someone once told me they saved the Internet
on a floppy disk.
They actually saved their dialup connection
shortcut but they truly were convinced that
it contained the whole Internet.
Have a similar story.
I studied fashion design.
But we also were able to take a basic programming/coding
class just for fun (this school only taught
fashion in general).
At the beginning our teacher asked "did anyone
of you ever programmed or coded something?"
and one girl raised her hand.
"Yes!
I programmed something!"
and everyone was shocked because she wasn't
known for being the smartest.
She: "I programmed the internet on my computer".
Teacher: "you mean you installed your internet
connection?".
She: "no no, I programmed Firefox!".
Someone said: "I doubt you programmed the
internet" and she got furious.
It's the same girl that told me that after
washing her hands her hands are always so
wet.
That direction can’t be north because it’s
diagonal and north has to be in a straight
line.
What?
I knew a girl who thought north was up.
Like, in the sky.
I remember a guy in 4th grade had that same
misconception.
The whole class was speechless, but the teacher
didn't skip a beat; he said "but if you go
North, you reach the North Pole.
The North Pole isn't up in the sky".
That kid's face twisted like his soul was
trying to leave his body.
That their teacher told them they had a high
IP.
I know he meant IQ but seriously.
You should ping him, just to be sure.
You might not get a response for several seconds.
“Wait.. so you are trying to tell me that
our sun is a star?
What are all those other things?”
I proceed to show her an observable universe’s
size comparison video.
“Humans can’t look that far, I can’t
even see the moon sometimes.”
This is my friend (f18).
Edit: woah i never thought this would blow
up!
But just saying, my friend is not stupid.
She just doesn’t know shit about space so
I found this really funny.
Hahah have a great life everyone.
Imagine if it followed her logic.
The entire astronomy career path is looking
up at the stars and squinting very hard.
A satalite is fired into space and everyone
from NASA is out in the garden and squinting
at the sky.
Complete silence.
And a faint boom in the sky, as it crashes
into another one.
Because someone forgot to control the orbit
of the satalite.
But they couldn't.
They were squinting at the sky in the garden.
That windshield wipers wear out faster in
the middle, because that’s the part you
look through the most often, as if your sight
is an energy beam that degrades the rubber
or something.
Was this person Cyclops?
My ex wife (wife at the time) came home late,
said she had a flat tire and that her and
her girlfriend were able to put the spare
on (I taught her that) then she said there
was something she didn't understand.
She said she saw a screw in the tire and wanted
to know that if the screw was in the top of
the tire, why was the bottom flat.
Woman I work with has a similar experience.
Got a flat on the way home, pulled over and
looked at it and saw that "it was only flat
on the bottom, so I kept driving on it."
How does she even have a job.
Her: “I think the law that requires you
to wear a seatbelt is sooooo stupid.
My body, my choice.”
Me: “Well what about your five-year-old
son?
You wouldn’t want to hurt him if he was
riding with you, right?”
Her: (shrugs) “When it’s your time to
go, it’s your time to go.”
Me: “Really?
That’s how you feel about that?
I mean...why even look before crossing the
street, if ‘When it’s your time to go,
it’s your time to go’?”
Her: “Actually, I usually don’t look when
I cross the street.”
Edit: She is under 30, but already has terrible
knees.
Why?
Get ready... she was hit by a car in her teens
while she was crossing the street.
This is a lot more common than you think.
I had an Uber passenger a couple of days ago
tell me we’re picking up her kid.
Me - Ma’am, how old is the child?
Lady - 3 years old.
Me - Ok, well you’ll need a car seat.
It’s state law.
Lady - No, it’s ok, she’s only 3.
My step sister told me we should see the PG13
movie because PG meant "pretty good."
I wish I were joking.
EDIT: She wasn't a little kid when she said
this.
She was 19.
Movie was Breaking Dawn Pt 2.
Take that however you want lol
Then NC17 means it’s for Nice Children.
XXX means action, lots of action.
Vin said so.
That the post office doesnt ship mail to the
Netherlands because you can't send physical
mail to Hell.
Just wanted to mail a postcard to my family
in Eindhoven.
Was this the postal worker telling you this?
I had one one time freak out over me shipping
a package to Georgia.
They said they’d never heard of that country
before.
I once spent a fair amount of time convincing
a post office worker that Puerto Rico is in
fact part of the US and that I do actually
know my own relatives address.
"Stop doing that you're not asian" to someone
who is south asian
I've had arguments with people that any country
that isn't Japan, China, Korea, or Vietnam
isn't considered Asian.
*Refers to Indian as Asian*
"That's not Asian"
"Yes it is, India is part of Asia"
"I guess but it's not Asian"
Worked with a guy several years ago who didn't
know he was Asian.
Turned to me one day with a look of shock
and asked "Did you know I'm Asian?".
I said yes while laughing because I thought
he was joking.
He was not joking.
His girlfriend had told him the night before,
and he didn't believe her so he was asking
for a second opinion.
We had a discussion about how he did learn
this in school, but he always believed the
teachers couldn't be including the country
his parents came from because it wasn't smack
in the middle of all the other Asian countries.
We'll call that an interesting day at work.
Head hurting kind of interesting.
‘You’re twins?
No you’re not.
You can’t be twins if you don’t look alike.
’
Ma’am we’re fraternal.
My brother and I are both adopted and couldn't
look more different if we tried.
I've had the following conversation more than
once with people we've just met.
**Them**: "Wait, you two are brothers?
You look nothing alike!"
**Me**: "Yeah, that's because we're both adopted."
**Them**: "Oh, were you brothers before you
were adopted?"
**Me**: "No.
That's why we don't look alike."
When people find out my brother and sister
are twins, they ask if they're identical.
No sorry, not how that works.
A teacher told me (and the rest of my class)
the Earth was flat something like 25 years
ago when I was in high school.
I had never heard of a flat earther at that
time and I remember thinking how much of an
idiot the person was and questioning with
my classmates how that person was supposed
to teach us anything.
Our high school chemistry teacher told us
the speed of light and the speed of sound
were the same.
At least she wasn't our physics teacher I
guess.
omg who keeps hiring these teachers?
That south pole is hot because it's 'south'
Edit: to all of you saying that this is a
common misconception with kids; true but the
person that said this was 18 at the time..
A girl asked that in my geography class, i
was trying to not laugh when i looked at my
friend and laughed really hard, i felt bad
for her but i just couldn’t help it, the
situation was just so funny
An ex tried telling me that his therapist
assured him that it was MY sole responsibility
to remain in a relationship with him to keep
his sanity in check.....i obviously disagreed.
Im not your personal prescription.
I was breaking it off with a real nutter and
he actually called me from his therapist to
have her tell me I needed to stay with him
that night or he might kill himself.
I asked to be taken off speakerphone and speak
with her directly.
I explained that we had only been dating about
three weeks and this was just another ploy
to get me to stick around and that I didn’t
have time to stay with a psycho all night,
you know, full time job and all.
She was very polite and asked three more time
in different ways.
The unprofessional guilt from this woman was
unbelievable.
I ended up tucking him in bed that night as
he cried and I left.
Didn’t ever talk to him again.
Saw him on tinder about 5 years later.
I guess he didn’t kill himself.
Edit: I did try to get her name and report
her, but the necessity to leave the man child
was greater.
If you swallow your chewing gum, your lungs
will stick together.
My parents said it'd seal my asshole shut
and I wouldn't be able to shit.
ok this ones actually plausible if you're
a 6 year old
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