WELCOME PACK TO "T "THE LATE SHO
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
FOLKS, YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST
FROM MOVIES, BROADWAY, AND THE
OSCARS-- BACK WHEN THE OSCARS
WHEN THEY STILL HAD A HOST!
HE JUST LAUNCHED A COMEDY APP
CALLED "ROAST 'EM."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE
SHOW," THE GREAT BILLY CRYSTAL.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE
SHOW," THE GREAT BILLY CRYSTAL.
♪ ♪ ♪
 ( APPLAUSE )
>> THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
WOW!
WOW!
>> Stephen: I-- I-- I GOT-- I
ADMIRE-- I ADMIRE-- I ADMIRE YOU
GIVING THE AUDIENCE WHAT THEY
WANT IN THAT MOMENT.
>> WELL, THEY GAVE ME A LOT,
TOO.
HI!
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU
AGAIN.
>> OH, YEAH, GREAT, GREAT TO BE
HERE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> AM I WRONG, BUT IS NEW YORK
MORE CROWDED THAN IT'S EVER
BEEN?
I'VE BEEN HERE TWO MONTHS, AND
I'M TO START A MOVIE IN ANOTHER
MONTH --
>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU'RE A
NEW YORK ICON AND YOU LIVE IN
LOS ANGELES RIGHT NOW.
>> FOLKS, IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BE HERE, COULD YOU GO TO WYOMING
OR SOMETHING?
THERE'S, LIKE-- THERE'S EIGHT
PEOPLE IN WYOMING.
YOU'LL HAVE SO MUCH ROOM.
WALKING UP THE STREETS HAS BEEN
IMPOSSIBLE.
YOU-- YOU LIKE UBER, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: CHOPPER.
I CHOPPER.
>> CHOPPER.
COMING UP-- I'M TELLING YOU,
THAT WALK TO HERE WAS THE FIRST
TIME I HAVEN'T BEEN BUMPED INTO
IN ABOUT TWO MONTHS.
YOU TRY TO-- I'LL DO IT HERE, I
GUESS.
I'M WALK-- THIS IS HALF A BLOCK.
IT'S THIS--
 (  LAUGHTER  )
THEN YOU GET TO THE CORNER, AND
THERE'S A BICYCLE!
 (  LAUGHTER  )
IS THIS BEIJING?
IS THIS AMSTERDAM?
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO NEW YORK?
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S VERY DISHEARTENING,
STEPHEN.
YEAH.
>> Stephen: I FIND IT HARD TO
BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN WALK AROUND
NEW YORK AT ALL.
>> I WALKED-- I WALKED TO WORK
--
>> Stephen: REALLY, YOU DON'T
GET MOBBED?
>> NO, NO, NO.
>> Stephen: WOW.
ARE YOU INSULTED OR ARE YOU
HAPPY ABOUT THAT?
IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND,
SOMEBODY COULD MOB ME A LITTLE.
>> YEAH AND, ALSO, SOMETIMES
WHEN YOU'RE WALKING ON THE
STREET-- JUST IF I FEEL
INSECURE, I'LL JUST COUGH THE
TITLE OF THE MOVIE.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
YOU KNOW, I'LL BE STANDING,
LIKE, MAYBE TRYING TO CROSS THE
STREET AND GO
( COUGHING )
"HARRY AND SALE."
ALSO, THESE GUYS-- MOSTLY GUYS,
HAVE THOSE WHITE LITTLE
CIGARETTE THINGS IN THEIR EARS.
AND THEY'RE TALKING TO
THEMSELVES.
SO I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE'S A
SCHIZOPHRENIC ON THE STREET.
AND TOO MUCH GARBAGE.
de BLASIO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN IOWA?
YOU'RE GOING NOWHERE.
COME BACK AND CLEAN UP IN THIS
CITY.
 ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU!
>> OTHERWISE, I'M HAPPY TO BE
HERE.
>> Stephen: WHAT BROUGHT YOU
BACK?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE CITY?
>> I'M DOING A MOVIE THAT I
COWROTE WITH MY GREAT FRIEND,
GREAT WRITER ALAN SWIBELL.
IT'S CALLED "HERE TODAY."
AND I'M DIRECTING IT ALSO, AND
MY COSTAR IS THE ONE AND ONLY
TIFFANY HADDISH.
>> Stephen: SHE'S WONDERFUL.
SHE'S FANTASTIC.
WE'VE HAD HER ON HERE MANY
TIMES.
DOES SHE EVER TALK ABOUT ME?
IT'S WELL KNOWN SHE HAS A LITTLE
THING FOR ME.
>> I DON'T THINK SO.
>> Stephen: SHE SAID IT IN THE
PRESS-- IT'S SITTING RIGHT THERE
IT'S "SHE READY."
SHE SAID SO.
SHE SAID TO ME.
IT'S SERIOUS, BILLY.
>> OKAY, FINE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD, GOOD.
>> WHATEVER YOU WANT.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE MOVIE?
>> THE MOVIE IS ABOUT-- IT'S A
MAY-SEPTEMBER RELATIONSHIP.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU IN A
RELATIONSHIP WITH TIFFANY
HADDISH?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: SORRY TO STEAL
YOUR THUNDER BECAUSE SHE'S--
>> I'M NOT SURE IF I'M MAY AND
SHE'S SEPTEMBER OR SHE'S
SEPTEMBER AND I'M MAY.
I'M NOT SURE YET.
>> Stephen: FROM THE PREVIOUS
CALENDAR YEAR.
 ( APPLAUSE )
ROLL-OVER MINUTES, IT'S
ROLL-OVER MINUTES.
>> IT'S A VERY FUNNY,
HEARTWARMING STORY ABOUT A
SENIOR WRITE A SHOW, NOT UNLIKE
"THE DAILY SHOW," WHO IS IN THE
BEGINNINGS OF DEMENTIA.
AND HE MEETS THIS STREET SINGER
WHO HAS A BAND WHO PLAYS IN,
LIKE, THE SUBWAYS AND PENN
STATION, WHO TIFFANY PLAYS.
AND HE SAVES HER LIFE NAY VERY
FUNNY SITUATION.
SHE WANTS TO REPAY HIM, AND SHE
REALIZES THAT SOMETHING'S NOT
RIGHT WITH HIM, AND SHE GIVES UP
HER CAREER TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.
>> Stephen: OH,.
>> SO IT'S A VERY TOUCHING, VERY
FUNNY MOVIE.
AND WE START OCTOBER 3.
SO TO GET A CHANCE TO DO... A
MOVIE AT ANY TIME, YOU KNOW,
BUT-- ABOUT REAL PEOPLE WITH THE
WAY THE PEOPLE GO TO MOVIES TO
SEE, YOU KNOW-- THIS IS NOT A
SUPER-HERO MOVIE AT ALL.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE VERY PLARK
THOUGH.
>> YES I WOULD LIKE TO SEE BILLY
CRYSTAL IN SPANDEX SOME DAY.
>> WELL, COME TO MY DRESSING
ROOM AFTER THE SHOW.
NO, THERE SHOULD BE-- IT'S A
GOOD IDEA.
THERE SHOULD BE SENIOR
SUPERHEROES.
>> Stephen: SUPER-SENIORS.
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> Stephen: SURE.
THEY'VE GOT A LOT OF EXPERIENCE.
>> YEAH.
HOW ABOUT, LIKE, "SPIDER-VEINS
MAN."
"IRON DEFICIENCY ANEMIA MAN."
AND THE ONLY THING-- LIKE, HIS
KRYPTONITE, YOU KNOW, IT WOULD
BE HAVING TO WORK ON A COMPUTER.
THAT WOULD BE IT.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
IT CAN BE LIKE ME, NAMED IRA.
LIKE A SIMPLE ACCOUNTANT.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> AND HE GETS-- HE TURNS INTO
THIS THING WITH THEY TRY IT TAKE
AWAY HIS SOCIAL SECURITY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
AND LIKE MOST OF MY SENIOR
RELATIVES, HE'D WEAR HIS
UNDERWEAR OUTSIDE HIS PANTS,
LIKE SUPERMAN DOES.
>> Stephen: DON'T RETIRE ME.
YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M
RETIRED.
YOU HAVE A NEW APP.
YOU'VE LAUNCHED A NEW APP.
>> IT'S A FUN THING.
>> Stephen: "ROAST 'EM."
I JUST WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT--
YOU KNOW ROASTS FROM WHEN ROASTS
WERE ROASTS.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE PART OF
SOME AMAZING ROASTS-- ROASTED
YOURSELF BY SOME OF THE GREATS.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: CAN YOU TELL ME
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS-- THIS IS AT
A ROAST, I BELIEVE.
>> I WAS BEING ROASTED IN 1992.
THAT'S ALI AND I.
I'M ON THE RIGHT.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> Stephen: THOUGH YOU DO AN
AMAZING ALI.
>> I WAS BEING ROASTED AND HE
WAS ON THE DAIS AND HE GOT UP
AND SAID, "I LIKE YOUR JOKES.
I LIKE YOUR STYLE.
BUT YOU AIN'T PAYING ME NOTHING,
SO I WON'T BE BACK FOR A WHILE."
>> Stephen: WERE YOU GUYS
FRIENDS?
>> OH, YEAH, HE WAS ONE OF MY
CLOSEST FRIENDS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S AMAZING.
>> WHEN WE GREW UP-- MAYBE
YOU'LL REMEMBER THIS BECAUSE I
GREW UP BEFORE YOU DID.
ROASTS WEREN'T TELEVISED.
THEY WERE CLOSED DOOR THINGS AT
THE FAMOUS FRIAR'S CLUB, WHERE
ALL THE GREATS CLOSED THE DOORS
AND BANGED AWAY AT EACH OTHER.
AND BECAUSE THEY SAID THEY LOVE
EACH OTHER, THEY COULD JUST
HUMILIATE THEM.
AND YOU WONDERED WHAT WENT ON.
THEN DEAN MARTIN, YOU KNOW, DID
THE ROASTS OTHER THAN AND THOSE
WERE TELEVISED.
AND THOSE WERE KIND OF FUN.
I DID A COUPLE OF THOSE STARTING
OUT AND NOW THEY'RE, YOU KNOW, A
BIG DEAL.
SO I-- I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW,
LET'S DO THIS APP WHERE PEOPLE
COULD ACTUALLY ROAST SOMEBODY.
BUT LET'S-- LET'S FINISH UP THE
ROAST THING.
THEN WE'LL GET TO IT.
SO I WAS ROASTED IN 19-- OH,
THIS IS ROBYN.
ROBIN WAS PRETENDING TO BE MY
FORESKIN.
 ( LAUGHTER )
I'M SERIOUS.
>> Stephen: WAS IT-- WAS IT
COMING BACK TO YOU?
WAS IT HAUNTING YOU?
>> HE CALLED HIMSELF "RUMPLED
FORESKIN."
SO THAT WAS THAT.
>> Stephen: AND THEN THIS.
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT THIS
BECAUSE I-- YOU KNOW, THE GREAT
ALAN KING.
>> ALAN WAS ONE OF THE GREAT
COMEDIANS OF ALL TIME, HE WAS
THE HEAD GUY.
AND HE'S AT THE VERY END OF THE
EVENT-- THERE WERE ABOUT 2,000
PEOPLE THERE.
AND IT GETS ROUGH, YOU KNOW,
REALLY ROUGH.
SO, FORGIVE ME, BUT THIS IS
EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.
"YOU KNOW, BILLY AND I PLAYED
FATHER AND SON.
I WAS THE FATHER TO HIS SON, AND
TO MAKE IT BELIEVABLE, TO PLAY
HIS FATHER, THE NIGHT BEFORE
SHOOTING STARTED I BANGED HIS
MOTHER."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
 ( APPLAUSE )
SO I TUGGED HIS SPORT JACKET,
AND I SAID, "ALAN, MY MOTHER'S
AT TABLE FIVE."
SO HE DIDN'T MISS A BEAT.
HE STOOD UP AND HE SAID, "OH,
THERE YOU ARE, MAMA CRYSTAL!
HOW WAS I?"
SO MY AMAZING MOTHER STOOD UP
AND WENT, "DON'T GET ME
STARTED."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
TRUE STORY.
YEAH.
YEAH.
SHE WAS AWESOME.
>> Stephen: AMAZING.
AMAZING.
AMAZING.
I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS
LIKE TO INSULT SOMEONE'S MOTHER
AND NOT KNOW THAT THEY'RE HERE.
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> I SAW THAT.
>> Stephen: YOU SAW THAT?
>> YEAH.
SO, SO --
>> Stephen: LET'S GET TO.
>> SO I TOOK ABOUT TWO YEARS TO
DEVELOP THIS TECHNOLOGY.
IT JUST STARTED TODAY ON THE APP
STORE.
OODZ CALLED "ROAST 'EM."
YOU CAN ROAST WHOEVER YOU WANT.
I HIRED ABOUT FIVE OR SIX GREAT
JOKE WRITER S.
>> Stephen:  SO YOU PUT THE
FACE OF THE PERSON YOU WANT TO
ROAST IN HERE?
>> YES, YOU CREATE TWO AVATARS,
THE ROAST AND THE ROASTEE, AND
YOU CAN BUY JOKES FOR 99 CENTS
THAT OUR WRITERS WROTE FOR EVERY
OCCASION.
>> Stephen: CAN I BUY THEM?
SOMETIMES I NEED JOKES HERE.
>> OR YOU CAN JUST MAKE UP YOUR
OWN, AND ONCE YOU FIT YOUR FACE
THERE AND YOU MAKE YOUR MOUTH
MOVE, LIKE A JIB-JAB THING, YOU
RECORD THE JOKES, AND THEN IT'S
PROCESSED.
THE ANIMATION IS GREAT.
YOU'RE ON STAGE, I'M THE HOST,
AND WHOEVER YOU ARE ROASTING
SITS THERE AND YOU GET LAUGHS.
THERE'S A LAUGH TRACK AND A
BAND.
>> Stephen: AND YOU CAN SEND
THIS TO THE PERSON YOU ROASTED.
>> AS SOON AS IT'S PROCESSED YOU
CAN EMAIL IT, TEXT IT, WHATEVER
YOU WANT TO DO.
AND IT STARTED TODAY.
>> Stephen: AND IT WAS SO
GENEROUS OF YOU-- THERE-- I LOVE
THIS.
IT'S REALLY GENEROUS OF YOU TO
PUT A PICTURE OF KEVIN POLLOCK.
>> IT'S ANIMATED.
>> Stephen: IT'S ANIMATED.
NICE.
>> NO, IT TOOK ABOUT TWO YEARS.
>> Stephen: WE IS ARE TO TAKE
A BREAK BUT WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE BILLY CRYSTAL.
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.
