I have 4 videos on youtube
which clearly, none of you have seen.
I think it's because of my name.
because, a lot of people have texted me and they're like
"Dude, just change your fuckin name.
It's hard for us to find you."
Guys from Bhopal have texted me.
I've never met these guys,
which is very weird.
But you know how annoying that is?
Because most comedians, they upload videos on youtube
just so that they can get people to come watch them live,
I do live shows
so I can ask you guys to go watch my videos on youtube.
The joke I just did, I'm recording it for youtube
I don't even know if people are going to watch it.
you realize how paradoxical this is?
Thank you for applauding ma'am, thank you.
I just had a very weird childhood man.
even my mother, she was really weird, you know.
she married my father.
I had a very weird mother.
As a kid, she always used to warn me
she used to be like, "Be careful! Be careful
of certain kinds of women.
They will use their bodies
to get what they want from you."
To get what they want!
From me!
Do you not see the irony in the situation?
But it's my mother who's saying this, you know so,
so I had to pretend I was afraid. I was like, "OOHH!!
I'll be careful!"
but inside, I was like, "Fuck yeah!
There's hope in this life!"
My entire life I've been looking for these women.
I don't think they exist man!
Worst part is, I can't even go complain to my mother.
What will say? "Ayy! you lied to me!"
Dude, she'd beat the fuck out of me.
"get the fuck out of the house!"
It's just scary dude.
Also,
I'm glad you guys liked that joke, because that's my tester joke
to find out what you guys are ok with. Because nowadays,
a lot of people, they come to comedy shows and they expect social commentary,
life advice, deep insights about life
in the form of jokes.
Now I don't do that, because
look at my face.
If I started giving you guys life advice,
I know you're not going to listen to me.
And if you do listen to me,
then I'm not going to respect you.
Me giving life advice in the form of jokes is like,
you know, when you're using facebook, you're just going down your feed
and sometimes, you see a post.
It's a very moving post, it's a very touching post,
like, "Love will conquer all!"
and you're like, "Wow! this is so moving.
Wow!"
and then, you see the guy who shared it
and then you're like,
"Oh, This guy!
He's a fuckin chooth!
He sends me candy crush requests!"
You won't even like the post, you'll just keep scrolling down.
It's the same thing with me
but you can't scroll down from my face.
The view does not get better.
I have a mirror at home.
Sir, you've been silent. I understand you have a side view angle.
that's why I've been trying to shift, I've been like...
but it doesn't get better man. I'm just...
I apologize for that. I blame my father.
You, sir, are also...
you and you, sir... you are my primary challenge for the night,
making you laugh, because I swear
I've never heard anyone applaud like this before!
This is an applause break,
I don't think any comic has heard.
Just like, ease up a little.
See, I can't talk about life.
Life is too confusing, it's too complicated.
I don't even think... like, I only think about life
when I'm having chai or samosa
in one of these roadside tea stalls,
because you feel in character.
you have chai and then you're like
"Hmmmm...
Life!"
And the thing is, once you're done, they give you tissue paper and the cup
which you're just supposed to use and then drop in the trash can, responsibly.
Now if the trash can is right next to me, I ace it.
But if there's a certain level of distance between me and the trash can,
it's like I get this confidence out of nowhere
Where I'm just like,
"I'm going to 3 point this shit!"
And most of the times I miss.
Just like this joke.
Sir, I see you've resumed your position again.
See, now I can't leave it there,
even the paper cup. I can't leave it there
I have to make sure I walk up there,
I bend down, I pick it up and then
drop it responsibly.
But I'm such a dumbass, all I'm thinking of is,
before I bend down to pick it up,
I have to make sure
I pull my pants up from behind
because people have already seen my face.
People compare man.
We live in a very judgmental society.
I'm against it, but you know...
Even other than that,
nowadays a lot of people do... comics do...
When they do political jokes, I get so jealous you know
because I don't understand that.
No, I swear, I'm dumb man.
Like, every time we have these political issues
that ravage the country
I, as a responsible citizen,
will retweet on twitter.
Whichever is the major view, I'll find that and retweet.
More than that, I have no idea what to do.
You guys remember
the hike in petrol prices that happened last year?
As soon as it happened, one of my friends came up to me and was like,
"Oh my god dude!
Why are petrol prices so high?
where is our money going?"
and I was like, "why
are you asking me?"
Do I look like I have the answers?
dude, how I'm treating that issue is like,
if I'm losing a certain amount of money per litre of petrol
and all you guys
are also losing the same amount of money,
then I'm completely fine with it!
You guys are educated too. You find out!
Dude, if you couldn't find out, there's a high probability
I can never find out.
I'm being self-aware.
that's how I treat all my problems.
If there was a natural calamity right now
and I died but all you guys died with me
I'm cool with it.
As long as everybody around me also is...
Like I'm a team loser!
I like losing collectively. That's what I'm trying to say.
That's how I approach all my problems in life,
see, I swear, I'm being honest.
I don't have sex
but that's completely fine with me
because none of my friends are also having sex.
If one of them starts having sex,
I'm gonna stop hanging out with them.
Then I'll start bitching about them behind their back, you know,
I'll be like,
"Some corruption is happening over there!
I don't like it!"
But then I found out that some petrol bunks steal extra cash.
Now I'm fucking paranoid
because that means I'm the only one who's losing extra cash.
So every time I go to a new petrol bunk, I try to pay attention.
That guy is like, "Sir, zero! zero!"
I'm also like ,"Haaannn!!
Zero!!"
But the thing is, after zero
that number starts spinning so fast,
there are some numbers you can't see!
And I'm paranoid. I'm like,
"Dude, what about 13 dude?
I didn't see 13! Is that where my money is going?"
I get violent. I catch the guy by the collar and I'm like,
"Dude! what about 13 dude?
what about 67?
where's my money going?"
And he's just shaking, he's like,
"Sir, Please remove your helmet!
I can't hear what you're saying! Please!"
Did you guys get the last line?  Did you get the last line?
Dude, you guys are extremely sweet. I didn't even expect that applause break so soon.
But you got what I said right?
He asked me to remove my helmet, you know,
because that's the crux of the joke,
because I only do this with the helmet on,
Because if I remove my helmet, he'll be like,
"You are asking me!
Get the fuck out of here!
You're talking with a Honda Activa alright, Fuck you!
Guys with KTMs don't ask shit. Who the fuck are you?"
I'm like, "Woah! alright!
I'll move on!"
I'm basically just saying I'm very socially ignorant.
I'm a dumbass!
The only thing I know about society
is my neighbor.
And even him,  I don't know his name and all but even him I know only because,
see, I have very bad speakers so I can't listen to music during the day
because there's traffic and shit. So I listen to music only at night.
And the other day, I was listening to some hip-hop
and I heard this voice from across the street
"Hey you animal!
I have 2 kids!
I have to go to the bank in the morning!
And I ran to the window to see who's talking to me
and I just see darkness.
But I was moved. I was like, "Wow!
My neighbor is opening himself up to me!
He's telling me his life problems,
He's telling me his responsibilities.
I don't even know his name!
But he's opened himself up so much,
that even I'm like, I should tell him my problems too!
I was like, "Sir, I have 4 videos on Youtube!
No one is watching!
Please! K, J, E, L, D!
Subscribe!"
That fucker also didn't subscribe. I'm like,
"Fuck that guy!
I'm listening to music at night now!"
 
 
 
 
