 
This and That – A Feed Book by Tom Lichtenberg

Smashwords Edition Copyright 2017 by Tom Lichtenberg

Smashwords License Notes: This ebook for your personal enjoyment only.

[FUNNY]

Rosie B: My first thought when they told me I had cancer was 'great, now I don't have to worry about flossing my teeth anymore'. My second thought was, 'why the fuck am I taking proper care of this cast iron skillet?'

[MESSAGE]

Karen A: You are fucking kidding me, right?

[SERIOUS]

Rosie B: I am going to be 60 years old this year if I make it to November.

[PHOTO]

An extraordinarily large purple succulent in front of a restaurant called Rosie's Cantina, probably in Arizona or some other warm locale.

[CAPTION]

Jim Y: Thinking of you (heart emoji)

[MESSAGE]

Karen A: Are you okay? Call me!

[ANGRY]

Rosie B: I love it when my ex sends me a reminder that he yes he is still out of my life except for whenever the fuck he decides to drop right in. You are so blocked, mister. So, so blocked.

[FUNNY]

Angel A: Jodie's little niece said it was the best thing since telepathic toasters.

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: They have those, right? You don't even have to talk to it. It just knows what you want. Looks at your eyeballs or whatever.

[SURREAL]

Angel A: I had a locomotive once.

[SERIOUS]

Rosie B: The doctor told me that everything could turn out fine but there's no guarantee. Plan A will either work or it won't, he said, and if it doesn't, then Plan B, then Plan C, and Plans D, E and F and so on. Basically I'm going to spend the next years of my life sitting on my ass in hospitals waiting for doctors and technicians. I said cancer can only kill you, but cancer treatments will definitely ruin your life. I thought I was being funny, but I said it all serious and such. Nobody laughed anyway.

[MESSAGE]

Karen A: Do you need a ride? Is there anything I can do? Anything at all?

[PHOTO]

This is a small child perched on top of a large unicycle, sometime in the nineteenth century, looks like Alexandria, Egypt. A rare, bizarre old photo.

[NEWS]

Lagos, Nigeria: Massive explosion burned down a residential neighborhood, followed by most unusual once-in-a-hundred-years flood. Former houses and shops are now but charred ruins floating away.

[FUNNY]

Kim S: I saw a pony once that was so gosh darn smart it could play the piano but only once because it smashed it to pieces.

[WISDOMS]

The only things that never end are the things that never begin.

[SERIOUS]

Karen A: I went to church for the first time in many years. It didn't feel right, like God knew I was only faking it. I don't know why I think God's that much smarter than my husband, who never knows.

[MESSAGE]

Jeanie K: You sure you want that on here? Doesn't he ever look?

[REPLY]

Karen A: Sheesh. Did I type that out loud? Deleted!

[VIDEO]

Famous musicians on stage for a reunion concert, playing one of their classic hits. The bass player comes up to join the lead singer up front and the singer decides he's hated that guy long enough and whacks him on the head with the mic. Hilarity ensues.

[WISDOMS]

You can never look both ways.

[REPLY]

Rosie B: Just saw this. No thanks. I'm good.

[PRIVATE]

Rosie B: And then I just wanted to drop everything, run away, and why not? George could easily carry on with the data analytics work solo. I've already taught him pretty much everything, and he might even prefer it to working for a "girl" (more than twice his age). He worries about his "career". Let him wait until he's near the end of the line to find out how much stress and anxiety he's been wasting all those years, because it does all come to an end and then it turns out to have been nothing all along. That's how it seems to me right now, remembering all the nights I stayed up struggling to get this or that project done, when the weight of the world seemed to be riding on it all. The bosses wanted their numbers, their projections, they wanted everything in the slides to be green, no reds, not even yellows even when a little caution is always warranted. Can you believe I spent all this time predicting the future based on "information"? Even harder to believe how damn good at it I am. But now. My sister's always there for me. Maybe she's been secretly waiting for this day so everyone can say look, it's Karen, that wannabe do-gooder is actually doing good for a change! But my friends, where did they go? Angel? Not a peep. Tony? Hello? So on the one hand I want to drop everything, and on the other hand it already feels like everything wants to drop me too.

[INFORMATIONS]

There is something called the Mind-Object Identity Theory which suggests that everything we are and everything we do are inextricably connected to and inseparable from everything we sense and experience from the so-called outside world. There is no self, no "I", just a lifelong complexity of action/reaction forming our lives. This makes a lot of sense to me. The neurons firing in my brain are not a "source of truth", they are part of the dance. What we like to think of as "free will" is us being who we are and doing what we do in the context of where we are and what is all around us existing and happening. Life consists of an increasing accumulation of what I like to call "waxy buildup".

[PHOTO]

What appears to be two dogs inspecting each other, sniffing each other's noses (ha! not what you expected is it?), and on closer inspection you notice that one of the dogs is not a dog but a fox, and the look in both their eyes suggests they are thinking, what the heck is this thing?

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: So I read your [FUNNY] and agree, so cosmic! We go around acting like we're all going to live forever. But seriously, tell me about Plan A?

[FUNNY]

Rosie B: The last time I said "never" was never.

[NEWS]

Two ships collided in the dark off the coast of Liberia. This has happened many, many times over the past several centuries. Most of those ships and the people on board them remain completely unknown and lost to history. This time, however, the ships were called 'Funny Girl', and 'HR-XB7869P' and the people on the yacht were related to the president of Sierra Leone and all died. Those on the navy cruiser suffered only minor injuries.

[FUNNY]

George N: Two computers walked into a bar. It was a Foo bar.

[SERIOUS]

Rosie B: A lot of what we know about the Stone Age is based on stuff found in caves. I don't know about you, but most of the places I've been in the world there are no fucking caves. Never saw one in the Amazon. Never saw a decent one in the whole Midwest. Never saw one in all of Saskatchewan. Does that mean there was never any history in any of those places?

[REVIEW]

Anon: Rosie's Cantina is your basic crappy faux-Mexican joint in the middle of nowhere good. The food is lousy, the service sucks and I should know. I worked there.

[EMOJI]

It looks like doll parts but not sure which, brownish as if to connote mixed race perhaps?

[PHONY]

Turns out it was the CIA all along who not only killed Kennedy but also dumped all that fluoride into the water.

[INFORMATIONS]

Researchers believe that population density acts on people, rats, and cancer cells in similar ways. Too much of it makes them want to get the fuck away. In people this led to suburbs. In cancer it leads to metastasis.

[TRAFFIC]

At this hour it's going to take forty seven minutes to get to the office via the fastest route possible despite some delays.

[CONTROVERSY]

Adam XX: You libtards are so fucking dumb I hope you vomit in a pool of puke and then choak on a bunch of old rutten eggs.

[WISDOMS]

Zen is the art of the hole in none.

[DATA]

Sixteen of the largest multinational corporations.

[WEATHER]

Partly cloudy with a chance of showers. Highs in the low to mid sixties. Winds out of the Southwest.

[SERIOUS]

Rosie B: So, Plan A is something kind of new called immunotherapy. Basically it weaponizes your immune system to fight the cancer cells. The cancer cells are tricky and latch on to something on these immune system T-cells to prevent them from knowing they are really bad guys. These new drugs kind of un-latch that connection, so the T-cells can see the cancer cells for that they are - trespassers who don't belong. There's some statistical chance it will work for me, and also some numerical odds about the side-effects and whether or not my body will take to it. My doctor is optimistic, but that's his job, so of course he is. In my job I would never be that assuring. I always tell my clients exactly what the data indicates. I guess there are way too many unknowns in this case.

[CONNECTIONS]

John R: Hey, so I saw your profile on GreaterGreeter.com and wanted to introduce myself. You can check out my profile if you want. I'm not very good at this, I guess.

[MESSAGE]

Karen A: When do you start? Is it going to hurt? Does it hurt already? So many questions!

[FUNNY]

Kim S: Some quantum particles got all mixed up and accidentally partner-swapped, leading to some really spooky negative-on-negative electron action.

[INFORMATIONS]

Most experts believe that America was first populated by humans through the land bridge connecting Siberia to Alaska about thirteen thousand years ago. This theory completely neglects the fact that early humans were building boats and sailing the oceans long before that.

[SERIOUS]

Rick A: Karen what did you mean by that? Of course God is smarter, He's smarter than anyone, and I think he knows what's in your heart so you don't have to worry. The church is always there for you, for both of us. We can work this out. I believe in us.

[MESSAGE]

Karen A: Dear Rosslyn, why aren't you answering me? I know we've had our differences, not only of faith but also of course that thing with Jim. Will you ever find forgiveness in your heart? Know that Rick and I, and of course the girls, and THEIR girls TOO, have you uppermost in our thoughts and prayers. Please call me!

[NEWS]

The cascading glasstrophe across the Wide Scope solar array has left forty-nine acres melted as of 5 pm this afternoon, Electrica Unlimited reports. Crews are on scene and emergency drones have unfurled reflective sheeting up to a hundred meters above the scene in an effort to ward off any further damage caused by this morning's flare.

[FUNNY]

George N: All things considered, a ninety percent chance of a bad thing happening is less emotionally resonant than a one percent chance of a good thing. In scientific terminology, this is known as the definition of 'hope'.

[SERIOUS]

Rosie B: After a number of scans and a lot of blood removed from my body for various tests, it was determined that of the several subcutaneous tumors, the largest measures about 6.2 by 6.4 cm. I started on Plan A yesterday and so far so good. I don't feel anything at all.

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: I have not heard anything from Tony either. Maybe he's out of town? Have you told George yet? What did he say? Did you see the pumpkins I left on your front stoop?

[INFORMATIONS]

As political scandals go, this one seems to be a yawner. Don't you ever yearn for the days when we had genuine and massive corruption going on? Nowadays it's hard to get worked up over such a little thing as a campaign contribution from some roofer's union. Senator Brawn probably has nothing to worry about.

[CONNECTIONS]

Bill B: Hiya. Bill here. Saw you on GreaterGreeter.com. You seem very nice and you look way younger than it says you are. Are you really anyway?

[REVIEW]

Anon: I would give this website zero stars if I could give it zero stars. I did not meet any single worthwhile person on this so-called Meet site. Most of them were total you-know-whats looking for exactly you-know-what. You know what? I wouldn't even bother.

[TRAFFIC]

You could get to work in forty two minutes given the current traffic conditions. I would not wait but go now. It's only going to get worse, until later in the morning, when it gets better.

[VIDEO]

Three small children, ages four to six, are jumping on a trampoline. The trampoline is enclosed by a tall net all the way around. A man, probably the father of one or more of the children, is throwing brightly colored plastic balls as hard as he can in the direction of the children. Of course, all the balls are hitting the net and the children are in no danger of getting hit, but they don't seem to know it. They are only children. Or maybe they do know it and are only playing along, but every time he throws one they all flinch and jump out of the way. They are all laughing hysterically. This video has a two thousand to one likes versus dislikes ratio.

[FUNNY]

Rosie B: I'm calling it the drip factory, where I go to get the Plan A infusions. The nurses are all very nice, of course, and I'm lucky to have some good insurance of course. Plan A costs an incredible amount of money - something like twelve thousand dollars per session - and I have to go every three weeks for I don't know how long. I sit in a comfortable chair with an IV stuck in my arm, and I'm there for about a hour. They have televisions and chairs for guests. One old man had three guests sitting all around him. One of them was talking super loud (this was in the 'quiet room' of course) all about some problem she was having with a rooster.

[MESSAGE]

Justice Y: Rosslyn I have not heard from Tony in more than a month. Sorry I can't be of more help.

[EMAIL]

Crystal V: (Legal Disclaimer in Subject Line) Hello Rosslyn, I am with Human Resources here at AllDat Corporation. Certain allegations have been brought to our attention concerning you and a colleague at AllDat. Please let me know when it would be a good time for us to have a private conversation.

[FUNNY]

Angel A: An odorless, colorless gas was released from our office building today. Bye, Erika, it was nice working with you, not!

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: Carbon monoxide can be deadly. I would not mark this entry as a [FUNNY]

[DATA]

9 out of every 10 women has experienced this at least once on the job. On any job.

[MESSAGE]

Rosario R: Rosslyn, I consulted with my psychic friend Amy about your situation and she said not to worry, there are other planes of existence besides this one.

[NEWS]

The wreckage found off the coast of Honduras is believed to have belonged to billionaire fugitive investor Benjamin Cripes. Cripes, known for his collection of high-breasted maidens and his expertise in matters pertaining to cocaine and its ingestion, has not been seen since the day those tigers escaped from the carnival around sunset.

[DATA]

The same four out of five dentists continue, after all these years.

[EMAIL]

Rosie B: Can you believe that little fucker after all I've done for him? Check it out, Ainge, you are not going to. (Attachment). Says I'VE been inappropriate! This is the same guy who sent me his dick pic of course by accident so he said, that he really meant it for MacKenzie the admin but still. Says I'VE been inappropriate, and now it's HR and now it's lawyers? They've even moved my desk and put me on this bullshit beepers thing.

[PHOTO]

It's a very large shark that seems to be stranded in shallow surf, giant mouth wide open and body bent with thrashing. Nothing else in the picture but waves.

[FUNNY]

Angel A: Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a while. Set him on fire and he'll burn for the rest of his life.

[ITEM]

At several large companies, employees are skipping breakfast tomorrow in order to ease world hunger.

[EMOJI]

It looks like a partially opened can of tuna with something like a spork sticking into it?

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: I burned my elbow once on the edge of a stove? It really hurt a lot.

[REVIEW]

Anon: The castle is a derelict old relic from a long time ago and you should see the bathrooms. Like pathetic! Otherwise kind of boring. I wouldn't bother.

[MUSIC]

Just now in the background from a passing car it was a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll.

[INFORMATIONS]

Cancer is a pitiless life form that may or may not serve as the basis of all those alien invader allegories. It's growing there inside you and you don't even know it until one day there's a visible little lump that your friend notices and you didn't even because it's on your back, and you go to the doctor to have it removed, thinking it's nothing more than a cyst, a bit of fat and the doctor snips it out and then no worries. A few days later you're sitting in the cafeteria complaining to Marie about the stale bread that's your sandwich when the phone goes off and it's that doctor and she tells you, well? The autopsy, sorry, I mean the biopsy came back and yeah, what do you know, it's metastatic. Sorry.

[ANGRY]

Angel A: That piece of shit. That whiny, tiny-putzed asshole. I'm going to kick his ass. Just wait. Just you wait. I am going to be so surreptitious he won't even know what hit him.

[FUNNY]

George N: And THEN Frodo said fuck it. I'm outta here.

[CAPTION]

Jim Y: I was thinking of you when I saw this.

[CONNECTIONS]

Arman Z: I'm a part-time body-parts installer and full-time body-parts inspector - I really know my way around a chassis if you get my drift!

[EMAIL]

Crystal V: (Legal Disclaimer in Subject Line) Thursday at 10 am will be fine. Please bring any relevant materials as we discussed. I look forward to meeting with you.

[RATED]

www.be-rated.appspot.com: Chicken Soup \- 2.7 stars

[ITEM]

If you were a bird what kind of a bird would you be? Take our quiz and find out!

[PRIVATE]

Rosie B: So the side effects of Plan A are underway. Before I woke up this morning I felt my legs tingling but at the same time they felt heavy like fallen timber. I didn't know if I would be able to move. Then when I did stand up an overwhelming dizziness and I almost fell down. There's a fog in my brain like a, well, like a fucking fog! I'm not thinking that good. I saw a commercial for Plan A on the TV last night and can you believe their slogan is "you might even live"? What kind of a slogan is that? Angel keeps sending me links to these articles about successes and survival rates and she's come up with some hopeful anecdotal stories about people who have even lived, at least a couple of years which is only how long Plan A has been approved by the FDA. You don't read survivor stories written by people who did not survive. I keep seeing articles that the average life expectancy from what I have used to be only eight months a few years back but now with things like Plan A it's up to twenty four months and that is supposed to be awesome but to me it's either this year or next. That's what the numbers all come down to. Unless and except I turn out to be one of the lucky ones and then Plan A could mean five or even ten years, nobody even knows yet. I was going along thinking about retirement at sixty eight because let's face it I've been working since I was seventeen and I don't know any other way to live. Sixty eight still seemed like a lot of productive years ahead of me but now, all of a sudden, it's like will I even make it to sixty eight? The data analyst in me says the existing data says no, but it also says that's a small sample size, honey, and those people in those clinical trials were already dying and already tried a lot of those old user chemotherapies and radiations and such, so the sample is not only small but skewed and basically statistically worthless when it comes right down to it. So I'm left with "I might even live" and that is really all I know. Meanwhile I'm wondering where my brain has gone and my body just wants to lie down. I am so, so fucking tired all the time. I'm beginning to think I understand why zombies walk that way.

[INFORMATIONS]

Earthworms are not native to the Americas. Since their arrival from Europe they have completely transformed the soil in this hemisphere, and now account for a significant percentage of the overall mass of living animals. Earthworms, flies, ants, mosquitoes and spiders combined weigh far more than all the dinosaurs in China ever did.

[MESSAGE]

Karen A: Rick and I met with Pastor Bob on Sunday and told him all about your condition. He remembered you from the time you and Jim sought custody of cousin Heather's secret love child. You guys were going to adopt that little guy, remember? Of course you do, I'm being silly, Anyway, the pastor wants to get in touch with you. I gave him your email so if you do hear from him that's why. Call me!

[WISDOMS]

One crow alone can fight off a hawk, but many crows together can also get the job done.

[CONTROVERSY]

Adam XX: If you think those cheaters won't do anything to get their unfair shares off of my unpaid labor then you haven't even been around the block.

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: The more I think about it, that thing about fire wasn't even that funny.

[FEEDBACK]

ManAtWork: @GirlInATentCity are you really that dumb or do you just play stupid on TV? #chickssuck

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: @ManAtWork you are so blocked - like a butt plug, asshole.

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: Rosie I found some excellent dirt on our little boy George. Now I am only thinking about the means of deployment. I won't do anything without your say-so of course but I am licking my chops baby girl.

[SERIOUS]

Rosie B: You know how in all those movies the good guy with the ninja moves takes out all the bad guys who for some reason always attack him only one at a time? And how he never really gets tired or even seriously hurt but they all end up dead or lying around groaning all over the place? Of course we know it's never really like that in real life, where the bad things come at you all at once, and as good as you are at your skills they are going to kick your sorry ass all up and down the street.

[INFORMATIONS]

We are not only conditioned by skin color but by specific facial features as well. A man can be as black as pigmentation goes but everybody seems to be able unconsciously to determine if he's truly what we call "a black man" or just some guy from maybe Bangladesh or wherever and in the former case it's watch out! and in the latter case don't worry about it. It's been drilled so deep down into our skulls that we can't even root it out, that shit is in there and it's staying put. Sometimes you want to rip those parts of your being right out of your soul but you can't.

[VIDEO]

I think it's that shark that was stuck behind the sand barrier and couldn't get back out into the open ocean. It thought it was going in for a tasty little Surfer Snack (TM) but all it got was trapped and what now? They're going to kill it? I can't watch this anymore. How come those videos start playing automatically when you're scrolling through the feed? Oh it's in the settings? Right, got it.

[REVIEW]

Anon: (This review has been deleted for reasons of obscenity)

[FUNNY]

Angel A: Tao point Oh. All a fish needs is to get lost in water. All a driver needs is to get stuck in traffic.

[NEWS]

The powerful AllDat Corporation, sole proprietor and owner of nearly all the world's data, has encountered some turbulence from the Central Bloc of Nations, which is demanding payments in excess of thirty seven trillion euros or, in other words, as much money as there is pretty much. The Bloc is demanding full read/write access as well. AllDat responded through their attorney that the Bloc would do well to double-check the fine print. Also that they do not negotiate with terrorists. The Bloc, however, was not amused.

[VIDEO]

There's an autistic kid in the swimming pool, approximately twelve years old, shouting little known facts about The Dark Knight to anyone who cannot help but listen.

[WISDOMS]

Everyone belongs to the church of "raising kids my way".

[FUNNY]

George N: When we last left our heroes, they were reconfiguring the database servers to support Codename release version 12.2.1.

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: I think you meant Two point Oh.

[PHOTO]

This street is literally melting in the heat. Its surface is some kind of tarry black dirt now become liquid and oozing down the hill. Pedestrians are inspecting their shoes with disgusted looks on their faces.

[MESSAGE]

Marie: We were at this show last night and we could not figure out why this one guy was even in the band. He was just standing up there on the far end of the stage. Once or twice he picked up a tambourine but I don't think he even shook it. Evan thinks he was somebody's brother. What a doofus. The guy in the band. Not Evan. Evan's sweet.

[PRIVATE]

Angel, get this. George is actually telling people that I asked him for that dick pic. He's saying I kept on him about it for weeks, teasing him about the size of his member and demanding proof. He says I told him to take his pants off in the office so I could see for myself. He says I told him I just wanted to see it, that I didn't want to touch it, but that maybe, depending, I would. And maybe even, no, I can't even write that down in words. He's claiming that he has witnesses who will back him up but the HR woman wouldn't tell me who that was. She says there may be depositions. She's saying he might take it to court unless. Unless means they want me to admit to everything. It would make their lives so much easier. But they will pay for my legal counsel if that is what I want. You bet that's what I want. I told them straight up he's a liar, and they should move him out to that stupid beepers thing not me. I have seniority after all. Everything he knows is what I taught him. Can you believe this shit? She said it's already decided and it's beepers or nothing and it's totally up to me. Right. I take their shitty assignment or I'm out on my ass? Yeah I'm taking it. The bastard!

[VOICEMAIL]

Pastor Bob: Hi, Rosslyn, Pastor Bob here, from Hibjulackawanna Methodist Central. Your sister Karen asked me to call. She told me about your situation. I want to let you know that I am here for you. We are here for you. All of us at Hibjulackawanna. We offer a variety of solace services that you can find on our website, hibjulackawannamethodistcentral.com. Also you can call me personally at any time, day or night, except Tuesdays and sometimes Sunday mornings of course. Ha ha. Blessings be with you. Did I mention? This is Pastor Bob from Hinjulackawanna Methodist Central. Bye.

[CONTROVERSY]

Adam XX: I would never give my personal data to any stupid ass corporation. I am totally one hundred percent off the grid accept right now I guess. Dammit.

[MESSAGE]

Marie: Oh and I forgot to tell you. Evan says he went to high school with Tony's daughter Samantha. So I asked him if he could ask her if she knows where Tony got to. He said he would but I don't know. Evan's sweet but he's kind of a flake.

[FUNNY]

Kim S: From now on I'm just going to call everyone by their initials, like in those stupid books where no one has a real name.

[MUSIC]

This song has about a two-minute maraca lead-in. There must be at least five maracas going at times. It's also incredibly boring.

[INFORMATIONS]

The latest wave of machine learning algorithms are taking on the task of classifying senses of humor in an attempt to cut down on international terrorism. Internet giants have been struggling of late to crack the code of extremely black humor. Programmers have been feeding the beast large training sets of goth material as well as classics from nineteenth century French poetry. So far the tools have found themselves unable to tell a wisecrack from a genuine chemical weapons factory location.

[ANGRY]

Angel A: Did you tell Marie about all this yet? She better not be that witness or swear to God I will murder that tramp. It's probably not her, though. I don't think she even likes George. She's just one of those pleaser types.

[EMOJI]

It looks like a California Barbie mom who just tried and failed to murder her obnoxiously autistic eight-year old daughter by locking her in the car for an hour and a half on a super warm day because she's about to go on a date with a guy she met through GreaterGreeter.com, a situation she was reduced to because her creepy husband (whose name has to be either Tad or Chad) just dumped her and now she's stuck by herself with the kid who only survived because some passerby happened to notice the child and opened the goddamn car doors, all of them.

[SERIOUS]

Rosie B: I can't believe this. I started out the day feeling just fine, did breakfast, commute, all of that. Settled into the new work sitch (a sitch which sucks, by the way, one of those open floor plans where I am literally surrounded by young white bros with assorted grooming fetishes talking very loudly all the time about a) sports, b) alcohol and/or c) tech stuff all with the very latest in ultra-weaponized jargon) as if I could actually get anything done in this environment, but I tried and even got a few things done but then, all of a sudden, eleven o'clock and my brain just died. I don't know where it went! I'm sitting here in the cafeteria now where they are playing groovy light jazz and all I can think about is whether I should have another cup of coffee. My legs are like lead and my knees hurt. My stomach doesn't feel so good which is why probably not even more caffeine, but how to kick-start the brain otherwise? My to-do list is mostly checked off. There are some new datasets coming in which need a thorough scrubbing but am I supposed to care? I want to go home and sleep but there are meetings later on and I'm supposed to have lunch with my boss's boss's boss. What could possible go wrong with that?

[INFORMATIONS]

The recent spate of low-level political assassinations committed by adorable toddlers has spread from the South Pacific to Australia and New Zealand. Containment strategies including and up to forced internment is causing outrage among parents who insist theirs is a good child, a friendly child who would never harm a flea, let alone the subaltern for the Committee on Pleasant Garbage Removal Considerations.

[FUNNY]

Angel A: Synesthetic female rendered deaf by modern art installation.

[DATA]

Nine out of ten African-American women are completely ignored by society at large despite being the most reliable voting bloc of any defined group.

[PHOTO]

A pile of large pillows of assorted pastel colors in front of a plain white wall.

[REVIEW]

Anon: This mountain range was supposed to be scenic but it's not. It's just steep. I wouldn't bother with it.

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: I once saw a so-called exhibit that was nothing but plain white walls. I thought maybe it wasn't even set up yet but at least I got a refund.

[MUSIC]

Groovy light jazz with a pseudo-disco beat that makes you want to hurt something.

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: I talked to Marie without telling her anything really, just checking in with her about George is what I said, and she said and I quote 'ew, that guy? yuk' so I'm pretty sure she's not on his witness list though maybe she would be on yours if it ever comes to that which it better damn well not. Do you think I should talk to Dillon? He knows me, you know.

[PHONY]

The cabal is now directing its attention to the grand jury system, installing secret bailiffs to weed out family-friendly types who might object to the surface impressions of their evil agenda. In addition, the cabal has infiltrated the atmosphere above Bhutan and has imbued the Sultan's dog with a chemical-based perfume known to destabilize rational thinking among the palace janitorial staff.

[FUNNY]

George N: There's a TLA for three letter acronyms but I forget what it is.

[RATED]

be-rated.appspot.com: Corn Flakes 3.8 stars

[WISDOMS]

Good luck is often merely a matter of luck being good.

[PRIVATE]

Rosie B: I'm really not sure how I made it home. I needed to leave the office so badly by lunchtime, but I just couldn't. I think I might have passed out for a few moments. I was sitting in the cafeteria trying to ignore that music they were playing and the next thing I know the place is crowded with people all lined up for pizza. They almost never serve pizza in the cafeteria - usually it's something to do with quinoa or kale or other things you never heard of until a couple of months ago - but when they do, everybody comes running. And I was in a booth by myself without any food on the table and I was getting looks, boy was I ever. Either I fell asleep or what I don't know. Anyway, I made it back to my desk which was finally lonely for a bit and I think I might have done some work. I have vague memories of typing in the words 'git commit'. It seemed like a long time but it was still not even one when I suddenly remembered I was supposed to have lunch with somebody, I forget who. It's on my calendar so I could check if I want to but the thing is, the afternoon somehow went by and I don't even remember it. I've been so tired. I must have driven home the usual way with the usual traffic on the freeway and everything, but I couldn't swear on it. Yet here I am and Chingachgook is not here. Where could he be? It's only a one-bedroom on the twentieth floor and I have checked in all two of the rooms and the kitchen and in the closets and even the cabinets. I don't think anyone else has been in here today, and I think he was here when I left to go to work in the morning. It's all becoming a blur. That cat has not set a foot outside this apartment in over a year. He doesn't even go anywhere near the front door. And the balcony door is closed too, and I looked out there. I don't know what to do, or what to think. All I know at this moment is I just got another fucking email from work.

[EMAIL]

Crystal V: (Legal Disclaimer in Subject Line) For your immediate attention. Rosslyn, can you please describe your relationship with Harriet P in Accounting?

[CONNECTIONS]

Richard R: You look familiar. Did you ever work the Best Western in Saucerville?

[INFORMATIONS]

It has recently come to our attention that the male of the species sometimes has difficulty initiating, let alone sustaining, a conversation with any other member of the species regardless of gender. New research from the University of the Tri State Area has determined that these males display frequent aphasia at all times of day and at all times of the year. This has led to speculation that conversation is not particularly their strong suit.

[DATA]

Between 1980 and 1987.

[NEWS]

Dillon Sharif, sole heir and majority stock-holder of AllDat Corporation, was recently seen wearing a powder blue track suit, leather moccasins, a San Francisco Chinamen baseball cap along with sunglasses designed by that famous fashion-plate, Zelda Z. No word yet on whether he was wearing a wristwatch or not.

[VIDEO]

Someone is driving a car through the desert and recording the passing scenery with their telephone. They appear to be sitting in the front seat. At least two different children's voices can be heard from the rear of the vehicle, although it is hard to distinguish between them or understand a word they are saying. At around the twenty second mark it sounds like one of the kids is saying they are tired, bored, and hungry, in precisely that order.

[VOICEMAIL]

Angel A: No, I have no idea who the fuck that is. Pick up, will you? Aren't you home yet?

[MESSAGE]

Karen A: Rosslyn, Rick and I would like you to come over on Saturday for brunch at our place. We will be serving your favorite raspberry cheesecake. Around 10? Ok. See you then.

[FUNNY]

George N: Then the chick got up off her knees as said, was that any better?

[MESSAGE]

From the office of Dr Abbas: Hello Rosslyn. We would like to schedule your next infusion. We will need to see you in the lab 2 hours before, and in the doctor's office 1 hour before. Will Tuesday the 17th at 4:30 work for you? That would be 3:30 at the lab, 4:30 with Dr. Abbas, and 5:30 at the infusion center. Please fast for at least eight hours before lab work. So that would mean nothing but water after 7:30am, and only a little water, please.

[VOICEMAIL]

Garbled Name: No, we did have someone come around to check on the water heater but no one was home so yes, we did not enter the apartment and yes, we can't say if a large gray cat was ever seen there or not.

[MESSAGE]

Jim Y: Just to be clear, I have not seen your sister in at least six months so that is not "what this is all about".

[EMAIL]

Terry B: Hey, Rosslyn, Did you forget about lunch? Too busy, eh? I know Dillon is really keen on that beepers thing. That's why we're putting our best people on it. No worries. I'll have Rosario reschedule. Just want to keep in touch.

[PHONY]

In Santa Fe, New Mexico, a child heard strange noises, high-pitched beeping sounds that seemed to have no source. This was the eleventh report nationwide in the past two weeks. In all cases, the sounds began very late at night, continued at intervals of approximately eleven point six seconds, and stopped abruptly after around fifteen minutes. The reported frequency of the sound appears to indicate some kind of extraterrestrial intelligence.

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: I think I know why that last one was [FUNNY]. Is it because wolves travel in packs?

[INFORMATIONS]

In yet another legal precedent set by the so-called 'dream team' of Cumbersome and Batch, a cache of images electronically captured from the literal dreams of a slumbering suspect has been submitted as evidence in a court of law. The judge ruled the set of nighttime imaginings to be admissible, however she admonished the jury that the interpretations offered by the prosecution of said content was highly dubious and could well be ignored.

[TRAFFIC]

You could make it to work in thirty four minutes but come on, it's four o'clock in the morning. Why are you even thinking about going to work now?

[SAD]

Karen A: My sister's cat has gone missing. It is a gray cat, very large and not terribly friendly. It has some kind of literary name, typical of my sister.

[MESSAGE]

Dillon S: Rosslyn your text suggesting where I can "stick this beepers thing" is disappointing. I have learned to expect a great deal more from you. However, after analyzing a composite of recent events swirling about your personal sphere of activities I have concluded I can safely disregard that message for the moment.

[NEWS]

A nominally anonymous survey conducted among employees at AllDat Corporation has revealed a tremendous amount of hostility both towards the company itself as well as specific individuals within it. A high rate of employees express dissatisfaction both with their managers and with their working conditions. It appears that the gourmet meals offered completely gratis in the brand new cafeterias is greeted with derision and contempt among the spoiled brats who constitute the bulk of the institution's employees. This sneering attitude is especially common in the engineering departments. Also of interest, there seems to be an unusually high level of gender role confusion, in the sense that there exist the misleading and erroneous concept that there even ARE different roles for different genders in the workplace.

[HIGH]

Kim S: That's when I found the turtle in the middle of the road, just out there crawling along about fifty feet from the nearest pond, so I picked it up and all this water came spilling out of its shell.

[FUNNY]

Angel A: Just wondering how monotheists feel about their god having access to all of their personal data.

[PHONY]

The Senator claimed that he had neither sent the emails nor recorded the voice mails, but that someone apparently had spoofed his identity in both cases. This reporter noted that the alleged spoofer had done an excellent job in mimicking the Senator's unique style down to the obscure small mining-town vernacular known only to a handful of old-timers from the region.

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: I also checked with my wife who had business over there in that department a few weeks back and she says there is just no way.

[WEATHER]

Tornado watch across most of those crappy southern states because let's face it, God hates twang.

[DEPRESSED]

Rosie B: I should not have stayed up until four in the morning looking at personal anecdotes on cancertreatmentscankillyou.com. A lot of people have had similar experiences with Plan A. Some of them have never fully recovered, even months after treatment was stopped, and some of them had to go off the drug because the side effects were just too hard to live with. There are people with heart conditions, people with liver infections, people with osteoporosis, people with ulcerative colitis. Of course I ended up asking myself over and over, why am I even bothering? It's not like a few more months or years of life is the greatest fucking thing in the universe. Angel's dad went through something a few years back and I remember them saying the people at hospice were really terrific and helped him a lot in the end.

[FUNNY]

Angel A: I did a thorough background check and yup, I can safely say it was indeed a background.

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: Hey Rosalita I know you didn't really want to but Pepa and I are so happy you let us drag you out for all-you-can-eat fried clam strips (you did really want to I think) and also that you let us give you all the hugs you could tolerate from two big lugs like us. It means everything, you mean so much to us and we can't tell you enough that we are not just here for you, but we are also there for you, and everywhere for you, and we will be doing everything we can think of and then some. Papa has already dug up some more about that Harriet person. We are on the case and I think Pepa is the first to admit she ate way too many clams! Me I say never enough.

[SERIOUS]

Rosie B: This past week has been, I want to say 'disembodied'. I feel like I'm in two places at once, although in neither of those places am I me. I've tried to go for my regular walk around the botanical gardens in the evening but I can only go a part of the way before my knees start telling me to turn back, and my hips by the time I get home they hurt so much, I just flop onto the couch and lie there dizzy and all out of breath. I can feel this darkness coming over my mind. It reminds me of the days after the doctor told me I could never have a child, or the weeks after Jim and I were chased by that white Christian mob down in Birmingham. I just want to hide. At home I don't even feel like weaving - the loom is just staring at me from the corner of the kitchen, and the last thing I want to do is pick up the clarinet. I look at the case and wonder just who the hell I am these days. But into the office I go, every day, and I even had a decent idea at five in the morning on Tuesday. I sent it off to the boss and the boss's boss and the boss's boss's boss, and even Dillon Sharif jumped on the reply-all. I suggested it could be a 'machine language'. We all know that some of those little 'smart' things they've been manufacturing these days have started 'talking' to each other but no one has heard it out loud yet. So maybe that's what it is, the beepings I mean. Some kind of new machine language.

[FUNNY]

Kim S: Reading that book was like trying to explain a donkey to a horse.

[FUNNY]

George N: Yes I have a "personal growth plan". It's called "doing whatever the fuck I want".

[NEWS]

Lifeboat rescue missions have become a popular activity among the SNB set ('Single and Brazen'). Volunteer victims are tossed overboard from yachts at sea while the rest of the group race to overcome choppy waters and deliberately defective gear to be the first to save the ocean bobber. Contests are held during hurricane weather or wherever dangerous conditions can be found. Fatalities are rare but injuries common and awarded with certificates of valor. Some LRM clubs even offer monetary rewards.

[EMOJI]

It looks like a tortoise telling a dirty joke to a snail.

[PHOTO]

This is a mountain lion perched on the roof of a three-story apartment building, staring down a man in the street below who is waving what seems to be an advertisement for sandwiches.

[CONNECTIONS]

Pedro V: What I like to do most is take interesting photographs, enlarge them in my studio, and then program my jigsaw press to make difficult puzzles out of them. It started out as a hobby but it's turned into a decent little business on the side. It's the creative part I really love, though, not the money. I never make the same thing twice.

[TRAFFIC]

Highway 16 is closed in both directions following an unusual tail-on collision that left two pickup trucks joined at the hip.

[WISDOMS]

When the fruit is ripe is the best time to eat that fruit.

[ANGRY]

Jeanie K: When I heard that someone I know was sleeping with her sister's husband I thought what kind of person would do such a thing? Well, I have my answer now. It would be someone LIKE MY OWN GODDAM SISTER!!

[PHONY]

Four thousand eight hundred and seventeen years ago the creature they call Mongo emerged from his secret underworld cave below the Sahara and set out on a trek that would take him across the whole wide continent to the city of Athabasca. There he would claw his way to the top of the citadel and roar in a fury so loudly that the walls of the fortress shook and parts even fell. After this event Mongo is said to have met a wise elder who talked him down and convinced him to find a tree on which to lay dormant until the next cycle of eternal return. That cycle begins today.

[DATA]

Ten percent of every group makes seventy percent of that group's decisions.

[EMAIL]

Anon: How big is it and when can I see it? You keep taunting and taunting you sick naughty boy. I want it and you know it. Come on, George, what do I have to do?

[VIDEOS]

A dog jumps from one moving car to another, and then back again. There is a lot of whooping and hollering coming from the invisible passengers. The vehicles are moving at a high speed down the main street of a small town.

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: I get what's funny about doughnut holes, but what do you think about peaches that have no pits and why is that not a thing already?

[FUNNY]

Angel A: I'm more of a nurture than nature person and the reason is genetics.

[PHOTO]

In case you ever wondered about wallabies having sex, you're welcome.

[INFORMATIONS]

There are spiders in South America that can count to three.

[PRIVATE]

Rosie B: The PET and CT scans are not as scary as I thought they'd be, certainly not as bad as the brain MRI was. That one gave me a headache for that lasted for two days, plus there was the swelling from the hematoma on my hand where they screwed up putting the needle in, or taking it out, one or the other. I pretty much slept through the PET scan yesterday. Like everything else in this whole process ("fighting" cancer == waiting in places you'd rather not be), there were a lot of obvious questions that have to asked every single time (what's your name? what's your birth date? what's your phone number? what's your insurance? what's your address? what medications are you taking? what are you allergic to? who do you love?), followed by needles either putting stuff in or taking stuff out, followed by more waiting, then changing into a robe, then being led to a room with a giant white tube in the middle of it, and lying down on a tray with your arms strapped to your side, then pulled in and out of the tube on the tray while the technician in his little room talks to you every now and then to let you know this isn't a permanent situation and you haven't yet lost all your marbles. Because when I was lying there (sleeping half the time) I could imagine, and my dreams would probably confirm this, that this world we think we know is one big giant lab and something, somewhere is studying us, and it's collecting data and drawing conclusions.

[REVIEW]

Anon: If I'd known about this place I would have gone there before. It is truly spectacular. If you have never been, go now. Drop whatever you are doing and go. Now.

[EMAIL]

Crystal V: (Legal Disclaimer in Subject Line) Rosslyn, you are expected at Cumbersome and Batch at 4:30pm on the 21st for part one of the deposition process. Please bring any relevant documents with you.

[MESSAGE]

From the office of Dr. Abbas: Rosslyn, the results of the scan do show a mass increase. This is what is meant by 'progression'. Dr. Abbas will consult with you about future steps during your next followup appointment on the 21st at 8:30am.

[MESSAGE]

SPCA: This message is for Rosario Bolinas. We wanted to let you know that we have not seen your cat Chinguito nor have we any record of a cat of his description entering our facility anytime in the past three weeks. If we do hear or see any such cat we will of course let you know right away. Thank you.

[CONTROVERSY]

Adam XX: All you loser whiners need to just get over it.

[FUNNY]

Kim S: My next car is going to be exactly the sum of its parts.

[FUNNY]

George N: That chick should write a self-help book called Getting Ahead by Giving More Head. #chickssuck

[CAPTION]

The band Miraculous in their early glory days.

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: Hi Harriet, This is Angel Alvarez in Hardware. I would like to ask you some questions about a requisition. Can we meet in person? Please put me on your calendar at your earliest convenience for a quick conversation. Thanks.

[RATED]

be-rated.appspot.com: Tide Detergent - 3.6 stars

[ITEM]

The Shelter for Misplaced Uncles is planning a benefit concert featuring The Nut Jobs at Scraggly Park on September 19th.

[NEWS]

Four alligators were reported to be on the loose in downtown Minneapolis following a police raid of an illegal Iguana fight held monthly (on the first Tuesday) in the basement of the Fourth Fidelity Bank on Pine.

[REVIEW]

Anon: They said I would find my soul mate. All I found were douchebags. Three stars.

[MESSAGE]

Justice Y: Sorry, still no word from Antonio. I have called his mother and his brother again but nobody seems to know where he is.

[CONNECTIONS]

Pedro V: I liked that one very much. Also her film about the altruistic pigeons. And I heard she was making a new one, I think it's something to do with earthworms. Or whiskey commercials. Or both maybe? I don't know. Obviously. I mean obviously I don't know. Okay I'll stop now.

[REVIEW]

Anon: BrokenBurkas.com is not my favorite website. For the record, I do not own a burka at present and if I did and if it were broken in any way I would fix it myself. Therefore not recommended.

[INFORMATIONS]

In the Porskinic language there is a fourth person; a fourth person singular and a fourth person plural. It is used to identify and person or persons who neither belong to the in-group nor the out-group but are orthogonal to both. The fourth person is of so little significance that the form is rarely used, and the subjects considered to be more than outcast, more than pariahs. They (and we in this language cannot properly identify them and must resort to the inadequate third person) are considered as discarded from the pile.

[FUNNY]

Angel A: One thing you can say about Sue - she's a real self-suiter, always suiting herself.

[RATED]

be-rated.appspot.com: Whole Foods Parking Lot - 1.7 stars.

[NEWS]

Two guinea fowl and a partridge apparently drowned in a portable hot tub at the James River campground over the weekend. Either that or they were flung in there posthumously. The fowl in particular left a disturbing chemical aftertaste.

[MESSAGE]

Dillon S: Rosslyn, I have considered your hypothesis and carefully calibrated the probabilities resulting in a fairly interesting p-value. The fly in the ointment, as it were, remains the distances between the events and the unlikeliness of the objects' potential to receive the transmissions generated from one another. And yet, the call and response nature implicit in this theory seems more than reasonable and is an aspect I had not heretofore contemplated. Please feel free to contact me directly in future with any elaborations you may devise. Also, I wish to inform you that based on the data available to me, you are much more likely to see beneficial results from what your doctor refers to as Plan C than either A or B. I can provide details upon request.

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: Sue Broad or Sue Martinez?

[EMAIL]

Angel A: So here is the thing. George has this bet going on with his roommate and best friend (we don't know him, but they've lived together for several years, and the guy, his name is Roman, I think he likes guys) that he can get six co-workers in some sort of sexual situation or another within six months, and the clock is ticking. He already got with Harriet and tried and failed with MacKenzie and he's working on Marie (who can't stand him) and he's convinced Roman that getting you in trouble for harassment counts. It already counts and he doesn't even give a shit. I got this all from Harriet's buddy Aspen, who I met just hanging out near Harriet's office scoping her out. Aspen is a talker! Also the guys are arguing whether just getting the dick pic sent to MacKenzie should count. Roman says no because he could just send it to six random women in the company but George is all, no, it has to be safe "targets" so he doesn't get in real trouble. He got Harriet to hack the phony emails. She's a real piece of work according to her friend. Works in accounting but loves to hack. Thinks she ought to be a data scientist but Dillon has something against her. Paranoid much? Everybody knows that Dillon doesn't notice anyone. Aspen thinks that Harriet would make a hell of an embezzler if she set her mind to it, and they do both want to go on an Alaska cruise sometime. So I don't know how much of this you want to take to the lawyers, but you have my permission to copy this message and tell them I will fucking testify anytime anywhere - even though I know it's not really "evidence" but still.

[NEWS]

Traumatic situations can leave residual traces in the near-pathways for entire lifetimes, say researchers at the University of California in Barstow. Subjects were put through intensive torture sessions and left to languish without food or water for days. Many years later the subjects still recalled that test and reacted with rage at the news that the researchers were neither drawn nor quartered but got to live out the fullness of their days ensconced in academia.

[WISDOMS]

If a muffin were a raisin.

[VIDEO]

A lot of bird noises in this one, in somebody's back yard, it seems. There is no action only sound and the rustling of some bushes. This goes on for two minutes and seventeen seconds. It appears to be a cloudy day and there is an old wooden fence that could use some repairs.

[EMOJI]

I think it's a pole vaulter leaping over a volcano spewing lime green jello?

[VOICEMAIL]

Hello Rosslyn, this is Scotty from Word Camp? I'm calling about your automatic recurring donation? Your credit card has expired and the email address we have for you is no longer valid? Please call or contact us at wordcampnotascam.com at your earliest convenience. That's w-o-r-d-c-a-m-p-n-o-t-a-s-c-a-m dot com? Thank you!

[EMOJI]

It's death with a tambourine walking around at a music festival?

[INFORMATIONS]

Much of the American judicial system owes itself to racism. This is what is meant by 'systemic'. For example, the death penalty was introduced as a more 'civilized' replacement for lynching. There were no 'gun control' laws at all until the Black Panthers started open carrying in Oakland. Marijuana and cocaine were made illegal for one reason only, and you can guess what that was. Much of what we take for granted as "law and order" has at its root nothing more than the systematic oppression of a singular group of human beings.

[SERIOUS]

Rosie B: Doctor Abbas pulled me off Plan A and insisted I begin with Plan B immediately. I am scheduled for the first infusion of that stuff tomorrow morning. I tried to ask him about proceeding directly to Plan C instead. I told him about Dillon's research, his interpretation based on all the available data (which Dillon not only owns but has full access to) from clinical trials, my own medical history and genetic makeup (which Dillon also owns - AllDat Corporation isn't exaggerating when it claims to possess nearly all of the data in the world), but Doctor Abbas was not impressed. He does not know anything about AllDat. He doesn't even know who Dillon Sharif is. I thought everybody knew! He's more famous even than Steve fucking Jobs, at least I thought he was. He interrupted me and told me that if I wanted to see another doctor I could go right ahead, but as long as he is my doctor I am to do what he tells me to do. Plan B is a combination of two drugs - one of which is largely ineffective by itself but when used with the other it makes the other better, or something like that. They all seem to have similar names, ending in "zumab", which means "humanized antibodies", which sounds pretty freaky to me.

[NEWS]

Senator Ramos (R-Florida) introduced legislation that would enshrine Puerto Rico as the 51st state in the union but only on the condition that Cuba becomes the 52nd state at the same time.

[PHOTO]

Taken from the famous Cosplay Riot of Kansas City a few years back, showing the bloody Donald Duck figure receiving blows from the shovel wielded by Hello Kitty.

[EMAIL]

Harriet S: (forwarded by Angel A) Hello Angel, I'm afraid I don't have any openings in my schedule for the foreseeable future and can't imagine why someone from Hardware would need a personal appointment. Please state the reason for your request.

[FUNNY]

Kim S: What did the female CEO say to the venture capitalist? Yes, no, and get your hand off my leg.

[REVIEW]

Immanuel Velikovsky was a scientist who theorized that many ancient creation myths originated in pre-historic people witnessing catastrophic collisions between several of the planets in our solar system. Among such myths were the fall of Lucifier, the 'morning star', a reference to the planet Venus, which fell in its position in the sky after one such hellish encounter with the planet Mars. Although his ideas were completely full of shit, they still make for a pretty good read. Recommended!

[FOOD]

Although some people refer to this baked good as a "culinary abomination", many others love a sweet coconut macaroon.

[MESSAGE]

Jeanie K: If you go to Las Vegas you absolutely must check out the new musical Mormon Whores and Poundcake. I swear it's the funniest show I've ever seen. It's not what you think! It's actually a heart-warming tale of a Burmese Mountain puppy on a cross-country trip in the back of a pickup truck owned by a Mexican itinerant laborer who is also a first class country-western fiddler. And did I mention the cuteness factor? Way off the scale!!!

[SAD]

Marie: I was enjoying the book but I didn't like the ending. Books are supposed to make you come. I mean seriously. They don't call it "the climax" for nothing. And this book, while interesting and enjoyable, was such a downer. It's almost as if there were no happy endings back in slavery days.

[RATED]

be-rated.appspot.com: Aunt Mary's Famous Key Lime Pie - 3.7 stars

[DATA]

Comparing the most recent decade with that of fifty years ago, we find there is an increased rate of some things, and a decreased rate of others.

[WISDOMS]

Of the seventeen known ways to skin a cat, the most effective involve very sharp tools.

[VOICEMAIL]

Samantha: Hello Rosario, I'm afraid we still have no news from my father. His friend Amari did tell us that dad had recently talked of visiting an old friend near Puerto Vallarta but we have no idea if that is where he's gone. I will surely let you know as soon as I hear anything. Oh, and good luck with your treatments. We all have you in our prayers. Our friend Tommy is having very good luck with the Plan A medication. He is now approaching full remission. It's like a miracle. We are hoping the same for you. Goodbye.

[MESSAGE]

Justice Y: Oh my god people we just found out what's going on with Tony. He's been detained. Yes, detained as in he's stuck in some kind of holding cell in San Salvador. We have no idea what he's even doing in San Salvador. We thought maybe he was going to Mexico but no. The issue is apparently something to do with his uncle who was a refugee from there a long time ago. I can hardly imagine. A few of us will be putting together a crowdfunder to get some money together to try to get him out of there but I don't even know how that's going to work. Will keep you all posted for sure!

[EMOJI]

It's a fly-swatter with babies and little children stuck in the holes trying to wriggle their way out.

[PHOTO]

A square suburban backyard full of weeds with captions and tags and arrows identifying them by their Latin names and with the caption "In honor of all the unjustly unloved".

[NEWS]

A flotilla of ships carrying tourists between Mediterranean islands were captured by Bulgarian pirate vessels and held for sixteen hours until someone finally realized Bulgaria? Seriously?

[MESSAGE]

Rosie B: Angel you will not believe this and you'll be pretty pissed off I'm sure, so hold on. I took your memo to Cumbersome and Batch along with my prepared statement about how I never, never , never did or said ANY of the things I am being accused of. I was prepared, calm, measured in my tone even. You would have been impressed. But they didn't even give me a chance. Didn't want to hear a word of it. First thing is there's three attorneys sitting there across this big wide empty black table, two very large men, and a little blonde woman who never said a word the whole time. The older one of the men sat there frowning mainly while the younger one, who looked like a fat Ken-doll with a man-bun, lectured me about inappropriate conduct and the measures that could be taken but wouldn't be so long as I accepted their more than generous offer. Then they fucking threatened me if I didn't. Litigation, loss of reputation, name dragged through the mud, all those things. But instead they're prepared to give me two months severance clear no strings and what they called "akin to an honorable discharge" as if it was the military and not a fucking tech company. I would sign something that said I was "leaving to pursue new opportunities". New opportunities! Not a word about my cancer except they offered what they called a Premium Cobra. Right. They just want me out of there. They did not want to hear my side or anything. I don't know what to do. They told me to think about it and then they had the woman get up and walk me out. I'm so fucking mad. I don't know what I'm doing to do.

[FUNNY]

George N: Then the guy said he had a floppy disk and I said I'll bet your disk is not the only thing that's floppy!

[VIDEOS]

A young couple known to most of the people sharing (and re-sharing, and re-re-sharing) this video are getting married, and there is white and there is rice and there are bridesmaids and bluffs and windblown hair and there is sunshine and music and laughing and smooching and everybody dance now.

[INFORMATIONS]

The headquarters of AllDat Corporation, like that of many such companies in the Silicon Valley, resembles a medieval castle. The chief executives are the nobility and reside on the top floor in offices that could easily be mistaken for penthouse suites. The managers and directors are the clergy and the engineers are knights. The janitorial, maintenance, kitchen and lab staff are the peasants who do not live on the land but in apartments or trailer parks more than an hour's drive away. Only the gentry can afford to reside in the vicinity. Around the castle fleets of fancy cars - electrical, biological, or plain old geological - form a virtual moat, reminding everyone daily of just how much money can be spent on a personal vehicle.

[PHONY]

Shapists believe that each and every object in the universe can be reduced to one of a number of known and measurable forms. As if!

[REVIEW]

The 4th of July parade in Paradise is too long, has too many fire trucks in it and it was a very hot day. I would give it 2 stars except for the fact that there was this guy selling hot dogs out in front of his house which I thought was pretty cool, so, one star.

[WISDOMS]

It takes a lifetime to have lived one.

[MESSAGE]

Samantha: I just got off the phone with my father. He says he's in good health. They are treating him OK. It's some kind of mix-up with his passport. He was missing some kind of stamp. He says he was just in transit through the airport there.

[MESSAGE]

Justice Y: Everybody here's the crowdfunder page. We need to raise at least eleven hundred dollars. That's to pay the lawyer in El Salvador. Also we need everyone to call the Embassy there. The number is +503-2501-2999. They told his family they were sending someone but they never sent someone.

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: Guys, here's what we know so far. Tony was en route to Panama to see his new girlfriend - who knew he had a new girlfriend? Or that she was in Panama? No I don't know if she's even from Panama. We don't even know anything about her. So he had a stopover in San Salvador and he didn't even get off the plane but the officials came on and they were checking everybody's passport. Tony and three others got pulled off. We don't know who they are or anything.

[WISDOMS]

You can cut a twenty dollar bill in half, but you can't fool Mother Nature.

[MESSAGE]

Marta S: Tony needs your thoughts and prayers but most of all a little money. Come on, people! That needle is hardly moving. I put in twenty five. It's all I can do right now. I'd do more if I could you know it.

[MESSAGE]

Ricky G: Crowdfunder everbody. It's our man Tony from Network Operations. How many times has he saved your butts? Plenty I know. Now it's your turn to save his ass. Come on AllDat trolls. I know you can do it.

[MESSAGE]

Terry B: AllDat family, we need your help. Our own Antonio Vasquez is being held without due process by the government of El Salvador. We are bringing all our resources to bear on this situation. His family is hosting a crowdfunder HERE (link). We encourage you to contribute but also know that AllDat Corporation is doing everything it can to resolve this situation rapidly and with grace.

[PHOTO]

It's a march for worker's rights in San Salvador, El Salvador. Marchers are wearing red bandanas covering their faces while soldiers in riot gear line the streets beside them.

[PHONY]

The green tincture is alleged to work on freckles, bad breath and penis envy. Don't fall for it. The green tincture is only good for plantar fasciitis, wrinkles and that feeling you get when you wish you'd said something.

[MESSAGE]

Samantha: Thank you all for your generosity and good wishes. The goal has been reached and the funds dispatched to the law firm. We have not been able to speak with my father on the phone since that initial call but the attorneys say they are working hard and have high hopes.

[NEWS]

The spelling bee was won by a twelve year old who worked her ass off for months and months and months. The final word she had to spell was difficult as well as being a word that no one has ever, ever had occasion to use in any context whatever.

[RATED]

be-rated.appspot.com: Fanny's Down Home Corn Chips - 3.1 stars

[INFORMATIONS]

In the last half of the twentieth century, more people were killed by mosquitos than by any other creature. The leading cause of death among humans, however, was mortality, followed by man's inhumanity to man.

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: Guys, Tony's girlfriend's name is Lilliana. She is from Colombia and I'm told she's very nice. Tony was keeping it a surprise from almost everyone. I head they are going to be married!!

[MESSAGE]

Rosie B: Angel, I'm at Saint Jude's Hospital. I'm not sure how I got here. The nurses told me they think I had a seizure.

[NEWS]

Dillon Sharif, the eccentric and reclusive nrillionaire, CEO and majority shareholder of the powerful AllDat Corporation, made a rare television appearance last night in which he threatened the government of El Salvador with an effective blockade of all access to its official data unless it immediately and unconditionally releases AllDat employee Antonio Vasquez, who is being held for unknown reasons in that nation's capital city.

[MESSAGE]

Justice Y: Oh my god you guys did you see the [NEWS]? Dillon's really stepping up for Tony. It's amazing. Since when did he ever do anything like this?

[INFORMATIONS]

Little is known of the AllDat CEO aside from his proclivity for unusual attire and his uncanny ability to solve inscrutable mysteries using a data-driven approach. He has been compared at various times to a real life modern Sherlock Holmes or Nikola Tesla, while others view him as a self-promoting, illegitimate spoiled dilettante who merely inherited his wealth and title from his infamous grandparents. Sharif, who rarely appears in public, is rumored to be one of the several famous lovers of that polyamorous whirlwind, the actress and provocateur Karen Clyde, and has had some of his so-called adventures serialized in an online publication called The Outlier.

[PHOTO]

This photo alleges to depict the legendary data sleuth Dillon Sharif leaving a bakery in Manhattan carrying a box of donuts, rumored to have been chocolate raised.

[MESSAGE]

Samantha: We heard from AllDat this morning that dad's release is being negotiated at the highest levels, even the Secretary of State is involved.

[FUNNY]

Angel A: I'm old enough to remember when Tony Vasquez was most famous for recovering an array of Kafka nodes thought to be irredeemably out of sync.

[EMOJI]

It's an airplane shaped like a turkey vulture perched over the remains of a road-killed raccoon on a NASCAR racing track.

[VIDEOS]

It's a riot in the streets of San Salvador protesting the globalist intervention of American multinationals in the sovereignty of this poor, largely ignored Central American nation.

[NEWS]

The hacker (or hackers) known as Miss Luchita has (or have) publicly threatened retaliation against the almighty AllDat Corporation. This follows their recent stunt when they forced all Central Bloc diplomatic and financial communications to be translated into a long-forgotten dialect of the Porskinic language. It is unclear how the hacker (or hackers) intend to assault the citadel of AllDat, long believed to be absolutely secure and impenetrable.

[FUNNY]

George N: We are battening down our hatches over here. Just kidding! We don't know how to batten anything down, and I'm pretty sure we don't have any hatches either.

[MESSAGE]

Justice Y: The crowdfunder has raised way more money than we ever dreamed of. We're using it to hire better attorneys. Those guys in San Salvador have not been able to get us through to Tony. We're hoping this new team will do a better job.

[REVIEW]

Anon: I went to El Salvador once. I'm sorry but it fucking sucked. I couldn't find a decent ice cream sandwich anywhere. No stars.

[PHONY]

Two nuclear submarines are said to have surrounded the tiny nation of El Salvador, one in the Caribbean and one in the Pacific.The one in the Caribbean would appear to be fairly useless considering that El Salvador does not border that sea. It's unclear if the Pentagon possesses a decent map of the region, or if it has a separate beef with Honduras.

[FOOD]

This banana dish is known far and wide as a regional favorite.

[DATA]

The most common random number is 46.

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: Is Tony the same person as Antonio? It's so confusing. Why do some people have different names?

[CONTROVERSY]

Adam XX: No one who loves their country would ever leave it for any reason. A true patriot believes the rest of the world can go to hell in a hand basket.

[FEEDBACk]

J Crue: Yo XX you got weak or what? Fucking hand basket? L-O-Fucking-L!

[MESSAGE]

Miss Luchita has pwned all the data. You will have no further messages until AllDat complies with our demand. Our demand is simple AllDat will pay ten thousand U.S. dollars to every single person in the world, no matter who or where they are.

Ten thousand U.S. dollars in cash.

Every single person in the world.

Everywhere.

Every year.

From now on.

Forever.

[PHOTO]

VGhpcyBpcyBub3QgYSBqb2tlLiBZb3Ugd2lsbCBjb21wbHk=

[EMAIL]

VGhpcyBpcyBub3QgYSBqb2tlLiBZb3Ugd2lsbCBjb21wbHk=

[ANGRY]

VGhpcyBpcyBub3QgYSBqb2tlLiBZb3Ugd2lsbCBjb21wbHk=

[CONTROVERSY]

VGhpcyBpcyBub3QgYSBqb2tlLiBZb3Ugd2lsbCBjb21wbHk=

[INFORMATIONS]

VGhpcyBpcyBub3QgYSBqb2tlLiBZb3Ugd2lsbCBjb21wbHk=

[PHONY]

VGhpcyBpcyBub3QgYSBqb2tlLiBZb3Ugd2lsbCBjb21wbHk=

[FUNNY]

VGhpcyBpcyBub3QgYSBqb2tlLiBZb3Ugd2lsbCBjb21wbHk=

[FEEDBACK]

VGhpcyBpcyBub3QgYSBqb2tlLiBZb3Ugd2lsbCBjb21wbHk=

[VIDEOS]

VGhpcyBpcyBub3QgYSBqb2tlLiBZb3Ugd2lsbCBjb21wbHk=

[FOOD]

VGhpcyBpcyBub3QgYSBqb2tlLiBZb3Ugd2lsbCBjb21wbHk=

[SAD]

VGhpcyBpcyBub3QgYSBqb2tlLiBZb3Ugd2lsbCBjb21wbHk=

[ITEM]

VGhpcyBpcyBub3QgYSBqb2tlLiBZb3Ugd2lsbCBjb21wbHk=

[EMOJI]

VGhpcyBpcyBub3QgYSBqb2tlLiBZb3Ugd2lsbCBjb21wbHk=

[WISDOMS]

VGhpcyBpcyBub3QgYSBqb2tlLiBZb3Ugd2lsbCBjb21wbHk=

[VOICEMAIL]

Karen A: Rosslyn? Are you there? Where are you?

[MESSAGE]

Dillon S: To whom it may concern, which I presume at this point means "every single person in the world". It took us approximately 11 seconds to detect and delete the attempted malware affecting our systems. The group calling itself "Miss Luchita" was been located, rounded up, and incarcerated. They will receive no further publicity. Their names will never be revealed. Anyone who claims to know who or where they are is not to be believed. We have injected more false leads as to their identities than could ever be untangled. And of course, no one will be receiving ten thousand dollars in cash in their name, ever. Thank you.

[NEWS]

The situation in El Salvador has threatened to escalate into a full-scale diplomatic crisis. The government has refused to release American engineer Antonio Vasquez and has rejected demands to allow the U.S. Ambassador to visit the hostage. The President of the United States has said that "all options are on the table", including nuclear, because of course he did.

[EMOJI]

I think it's a sand crab emerging from a caterpillar's cocoon with blood dripping from its claws.

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: Rosie it's getting crazy over here. I looked for you upstairs. Lunch?

[MESSAGE]

Justice Y: We're circulating "Free Tony" petitions far and wide. Here is the link. Please sign and pass it on!

[FOOD]

These Japanese burritos are stuffed with sushi and taste sooo good.

[PHOTO]

At least a dozen dogs are lined up on the roof of a downtown high-rise, baying at the full red moon rising above them on a clear, spectacular night.

[REVIEW]

Anon: The mani-pedi is as good as you could ask for, but the noise! It's not just the customers but the staff are super-talkers, blabbing all the time and so loudly. I got such a headache. Two stars.

[INFORMATIONS]

You cannot separate a current event from the long trail of history preceding it. Once again we witness this snowball effect in the situation in El Salvador. The United States has a long history of meddling in the internal affairs of this and neighboring countries, including but not limited to outright military invasions and coups. The people of this tiny nation are not at all amused at any perceived bullying. Even though the prisoner Vasquez would seem to be an innocent victim, the population as a whole has risen to defend its sovereignty against its tyrannical neighbor to the north.

[MESSAGE]

Office of the President of the United States of America: I am hereby drawing a line in the sand. Why is the line always getting drawn in the sand anyway? Doesn't sand just blow away? Where's your line then? I might as well be drawing a line in the sea, or in the clouds. I've never been very good at drawing anything. My people always come out looking like stick figures. Also we are standing one hundred percent behind the Cloud Blockade being done by AllDat and any other megalithic corporations. The Sulpadoreans will soon succumb with our demands. This is not a joke. They will comply!

[FUNNY]

Kim S: They always told us that anyone could grow up to be President. Now you don't even have to grow up!

[EMAIL]

TO: Rosario Bolinas

FROM: Crystal V (Legal Disclaimer in Subject Line)

SUBJECT: TERMINATION

Ms. Bolinas, We regret to inform you that your position as Senior Data Analyst at AllDat Corporation has been terminated with cause for job abandonment due to your failure to report your unapproved absence for the part four days. This action is in accordance with your employment agreement, which also stipulates there can be no appeal.

[EMAIL]

From the office of Dr. Abbas: Rosslyn, in lieu of your missed appointment we have re-scheduled for two weeks from today. That will be the 13th, at 4:30 pm for labs, 5:30 for the office visit with the doctor, and 6:45 for your next Plan B infusion.

[FUNNY]

Kins S: Should you ever find yourself in "a widget situation", ask yourself what the fuck are you talking about?

[PRIVATE]

Rosie B: Is it okay if I don't really care how much time I have left? I have to wonder now. I lost two or three days this week - I'm still not quite sure - and I don't miss them anymore than I miss all the other days that are now lost and gone forever. I might as well have lived my regular life those days. I might as well have got in my car and driven the freeway and sat at my desk and prepared my reports and presented my findings in one meeting after another and reviewed the conclusions and considered all the takeaways and accepted the action items and jotted down notes and set myself up for the next day when I would have done the same things all over once again. Instead I spent those days in a hospital bed and I'm told that I slept through most of it. I'm told they weren't even sure if I was going to regain consciousness or not. I'm told they shipped me downstairs for MRIs and CT scans and that the results are still pending. I still don't know what happened. What I do know is that they sent me home, because my insurance is gone and I have to sign up for extended coverage, not even the Premium Cobra anymore because they took that away from me too. So I am sitting here at home, at the little wooden table in my kitchen, in my favorite half-wicker chair, and typing away with my thoughts, and it might as well be tomorrow and the time I am occupying at this moment doesn't even exist as soon as it does. The same will be true of however much time I have left, however many days that turns out to be. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Is it okay if I say 'nothing. nothing at all'?

[NEWS]

Enrique Regalado, the President of El Salvador, announced on prime time television that henceforth his nation will store its data in China, apparently unaware that AllDat by contract already owns all of the data there ever has been or ever will be in China.

[EMOJI]

A garden hose wrapped around the crushed remains of a moth.

[FOOD]

A puddle of refried beans surrounded by tiny grains of yellow rice.

[RATED]

be-rated.appspot.com: Jordania's Bitter Almond Extract - 1.7 stars

[INFORMATIONS]

In order to abolish patriarch, the Reverend Simon Cess proposes a program of universal re-education. Everyone earning more than a certain amount shall be removed from their residence and placed instead inside a wooden carriage with uncomfortable benches and made to ride across long and dusty roads until their butts are sore and they agree to stop treating women like cattle on pain of repeated excursions.

[MESSAGE]

Justice Y: The new attorneys we hired in San Salvador seem to have disappeared with all of the money. Don't @ me!

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: Rosie! Oh my god I will be right over! I'm so sorry I missed your [MESSAGES]!

[PHONY]

A river raft vacation turned into a horrific nightmare when three couples, consisting of ordinary looking bald white dudes with tattoos and goatees and their nearly identical pale blonde wives, failed to resolve a single clue in a very, very long game of charades.

[VIDEOS]

Four rabbits turn into eight rabbits and then sixteen through the magic of time-lapse photography.

[NEWS]

Enrique Regalado, the President of El Salvador, correcting his earlier appearance, announced on late night television that henceforth his nation will store its data in Moldavia, apparently unaware that AllDat by contract already owns all of the data there ever has been or ever will be in Moldavia.

[REVIEW]

Anon: The movie was terrible and not long enough. 2 stars.

[PHONY]

Miss Luchita is a bagpipe band from Estonia, a cross-dressing Brooklyn prostitute, a shipping container manufacturer out of Bayonne, a dry cleaning establishment in St. Louis, a euphemism for three pounds of shit in a three point two pound bag, a record label from Oaxaca, two guys and a girl who are roommates but don't fuck each other until the final season, the name of Patty Labelle's pet hamster, a Romanian hacker cartel consisting of two guys and a girl, the sister of the Panamanian girlfriend of Antonio Vasquez, a rapper from Buenos Aires, the third station of the cross in the Bronx Orthodox church, what she said, more or less the speed of light divided by some constant that makes the math work out, the number of jelly beans in that jar at that festival, seven pretty ladies down in New Orleans, an online service guaranteeing extra money in your spare time, a liquid drainage solution, the latest fashion in toupees, a young girls' wrestling association in Wisconsin, more names than you can drop at a party, and a new ice cream flavor, among other things.

[MESSAGE]

Rosie B: I'm still trying to piece together what happened and what it all means. I called the hospital to find out how I got there and they gave me the name of the ambulance company that brought me, so I called them too and they gave me the time and address I was picked up. It was at the Golden Dough just a little after one so that makes sense because I often go there for lunch when I'm going by myself. But this is all I know for sure. I'm so tired all the time. It doesn't even matter I guess.

[FUNNY]

Kim S: Rumor has it that the miles-deep cloud cover over the planet Venus just begs the question - what are they trying to hide?

[WEATHER]

It's bad in Scandinavia. Really fucking cold this time of year.

[FOOD]

Cold noodles with cream cheese, parsley, raw onions and broccoli.

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: I went and talked to the manager at the Golden Dough and he filled me in. He said you were standing in line waiting to order (he also thinks he knows what you were going to order - the California turkey club on sourdough - your usual) and then you just dropped. There was a guy standing right behind you, businessman, executive, silver at the temples according to the manager, and this guy (tall and strong, according to the manager), just backed out of the way and let you hit the floor. He could have caught you, according to the manager. He could have broken your fall but he just stood back and let you drop. The manager, he's not happy with that guy. He says he's going to remember that guy. Anyway, he rushed out to check on you and yelled at the girl at the counter to call 911. You were out cold. He thought you were dead but then he felt your pulse. He kept everyone away. He wants you know that he cared. He cares. He wants you to know when you come back you will get the royal treatment. His exact words. "The royal treatment". Maybe an extra bag of chips? I don't know.

[NEWS]

Sulpadorean officials acknowledged for the first time that Antonio Vasquez is being held on charges of espionage, smuggling and inappropriate gestures in a public place.

[INFORMATIONS]

The best thing about conspiracy theories is how much fun they are. Once you start down that path there is no limit to the crap you can make up. Suppose, just for a moment, that Jesus was actually the reincarnation of Socrates, who was himself an early version of the Dalai Lama. This would mean that practically all of the wise men in history were really the same man over and over again. Since now we know that all of the wise men of all time were all the same man, it's fair to ask about their penises, or should I say, his penis.

[REVIEW]

When it comes to potholes you need look no further than Henrietta Henry Boulevard in South Memphis, Tennessee. They are simply the best. Five stars.

[MESSAGE]

Rosie B: Now it's the headaches more than anything else. It's been pretty much non-stop since I woke up this morning. Hurts so much I can barely stand it. I tried coffee. I tried acetaminophen (the hospital told me no aspirin or ibuprofen because of the bleeding). I tried lying down, turning off all the lights, closing the blinds. It's driving me crazy. I have to turn this thing off now.

[FUNNY]

George N: You want to know what's better than sharing an office with someone? Not sharing an office with anyone!

[EMAIL]

From the office of Dr. Abbas: Rosslyn, please call to confirm your appointment. If you don't confirm within twenty four hours we may be forced to re-schedule again. You can also confirm online, or through our mobile app.

[VOICEMAIL]

Ms. Bolinas, this is Agent Harold Stash of the F.B.I. I would like to speak with you concerning your association with Mr. Antonio Vasquez. Please return my call at 202-112-4646. Thank you and have a good day.

[VOICEMAIL]

Pastor Bob: Rosslyn, this is Pastor Bob calling again just to chat. You can reach me anytime. I guess you already know that. Bye.

[PHOTO]

A very large raven perched on a brick chimney atop an abandoned row house in a derelict city neighborhood. The raven is surveying the scene with a look of both scorn and opportunity in its eyes.

[EMOJI]

a gas lantern containing an uncertain number of jelly beans is being struck by green lightning.

[VIDEOS]

A marching band with a loud brass section is playing a college homecoming theme for a very long time. This video has been shared over ten million times. It is not clear why.

[NEWS]

The Office of the President has formally directed the USGS and all other federal departments and agencies to rename the country of El Salvador to Sulpador on all official maps and documents. Also, that nation's capital city is henceforth to be referred to as San Sulpador.

[PHONY]

The National Busybody is reporting that Elvira Regalado, the wife of Sulpadorean president Enrique Regalado, is in fact the same person as porn star Heaven Verguenza, known mainly for her role in the famous Romanian piss tapes. Spokespeople for that rowdy nation's government have denied the allegation but really, who the fuck cares if it's true or not?

[REVIEW]

Anon: The Golden Dough is a sandwich shop on W. Western Ave. The manager, a little old guy named Herman, is perfectly nice but maybe too much of a gentleman. He does not yell at his staff when they totally screw up an order, like they did with mine the other day. I ordered a sausage sandwich on a toasted french roll with black olives, no pickles, a dash of horseradish and extra bbq sauce, but there was not enough extra sauce on it. I complained and he did squirt some more sauce on the thing but I still think he should have yelled at someone. I would have yelled.

[MESSAGE]

Rosie B: Did you get a call from the FBI? What the hell?

[MESSAGE]

Karen A: Rosslyn, Rick and I are worried sick about you. I stopped by the other day with the girls and nobody answered the door. You haven't returned my calls or even Pastor Bob's! I am going to keep it up. You can't avoid me forever. We're sisters after all, despite everything.

[PHOTO]

Carl and Jan went sailing on the bay and here they are smiling and waving at the camera. Some random dock guy too the photo. Carl is tanned and looking better since his illness, and Jan is, well Jan is Jan!

[RATED]

be-rated.appspot.com: Harvard Body Sculpture Cream - 1.2 stars.

[ASKIT.COM]

Which movie star would you kill if you could kill a movie star?

[NEWS]

A riot broke out in Mumbai yesterday when Hindu pleasure robots struck back against Muslim morality robots. The machines first spat allegories at each other before the situation escalated to retorts and condemnations. Physical violence erupted after one of the Hindubots placed firecrackers beneath the robes of a Muslim bot. No person was injured in the melee but several bots on both sides had to be decommissioned.

[VIDEOS]

Vicky has a cat and she wants you know it's a very nice cat. Here is the cat purring in its sleep.

[INFORMATIONS]

Several Central American nations have aligned themselves with the tiny rogue realm of Sulpador in refusing to change that country's name in accord with American proclamations. Nevertheless, software is eating its way through every scrap of data bearing the former name of that vile and torpid place. AllDat Corporation has also frozen access to Honduran and Nicaraguan data until they acquiesce and comply with the world's top ranking authority.

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: Yes, I have already been interviewed by Harold Stash of the FBI. He showed up at the office this morning and called me into a conference room. He wanted to know all about my history with Tony - our history with Tony - going back all the way. What could I tell him? Only the truth. How we all met in college when we were in the band, and how we later joined up to be the horns section for Los Sospechosos Sucios, and made the rounds on the international Cumbia circuit. Those were good times, eh? So long ago now but it seems like only yesterday. And so innocent! Our lives were all about the music and dancing and, well, drinking too much, it's true. Drinking way too much, and fending off all those guys. You and me especially had our hands full with that! The FBI man wanted to know about everybody in the band, but there were so many over the years! Once I started to list the ones I could remember it seemed like there must have been more than fifty altogether in just those five or six years we were in it, and since then - you know Los S.S. are still on the road? After all this time? None of the original members of course, but they wear the same outfits pretty much, and now they use electronics and laptops and stuff. So I don't know what he was after. He didn't tell me shit.

[ASKIT.COM]

What kind of giraffe would you be if you could be a giraffe?

[MESSAGE]

Justice Y: We finally heard back from the State Department. The government of El Salvador (I refuse to call it by that other stupid name just because our idiot president did) finally allowed the Ambassador to meet with Tony. He reported back to our crowdfunder side that Tony is in good health and good spirits, that he has no idea why he's being held and did not realize he had become such an international sensation. He only wants to be allowed to go on to Panama to fetch his fiancee. The Ambassador promised that the full weight of the U.S. government and its affiliated multinational corporations were doing everything possible and he expects a resolution soon, or else.

[NEWS]

Colombian drug lord Pancho Sanza has denied any involvement in the alleged Antonio Vasquez business, though he has admitted to being a long-time fan of the musical group Los Sospechosos Sucios, with which Vasquez has been affiliated. There are alleged to have been several Colombian and at least one Sulpadorean artist in that band. Sanza admitted the former seems likely seeing as Cumbia is a style of music that originated within Colombia.

[ASKIT.COM]

Just how racist are you? Take our exclusive poll and find out! Then tell your friends!

[FUNNY]

George N: I would agree that women in tech are over-rated and over-paid. They're not worth as much as they charge for a quickie. #chickssuck

[PRIVATE]

Rosie B: Ew, I just realized I still have George messages in this feed. That's got to stop.

[PRIVATE]

Rosie B: Angel told me that Agent Stash was very nice to her but I should have known better and seen through that. Men were always nice to her and even now, even pushing sixty she still gets the looks, gets the deference, gets the "royal treatment" like the manager of the Golden Dough. In the old days it was always Angel drawing the crowds, though it was both of us in those skimpy outfits shaking our stuff because Cumbia, you know, especially back then when every record album had a nude girl on the cover. And the men would never believe that she was gay, they thought she was only saying that to fend them off, and maybe at first she was! Who knows what you are when you're only twenty two and out there on the road soaking up experience. Angel loved the life, and she was always in the lead, with her big hair and big trombone and big, well, everything where it counted. I was okay-looking and good enough but Angel, anyway, let's just say she could usually put the men where she wanted them, probably this Agent Harold Stash too. He was not at all very nice to me. Accused me of "playing the C card" when he came to my apartment and demanded an immediate interview. I was barely awake and in my robe but he didn't care. I made him coffee and explained about my head, he didn't care He wanted to know about Alfredo, about Nacho, Rodolfo, a whole list of names from thirty, forty years ago. And when I started to answer he interrupted and said he didn't want stories, he wanted facts. I don't care about the night Ronaldo fell off the stage, he snapped at me, even though it was typical Ronaldo who was always drunk and unreliable and one of the main reasons we got out of it in the end and Angel let me drag us into the engineering program. We'll change our lives! I promised her, and we did. Does anything ever leave us, though, anything important? When I dream, I still dream of the show, of the life, of music and dancing and some guy trying to grab my ass. I never dream about computers or offices or anything like that. God, my head hurts. Stash told me they have medical care in the federal penitentiary if that's how I cared to play it. No, he wasn't "very nice" to me.

[NEWS]

Hu Bin Wot, chairperson of the Central Block of Nations, has condemned the threats American president Lopez Vicina has been making against the sovereign nation of El Salvador and has demanded their immediate cessation. Wot also offered to serve as intermediary in the dispute over the captive American Antonio Vasquez a.k.a. Tony the Tiger. Lopez Vicina replied in a [MESSAGE] that "Stupid and Lazy" Hu Bin Wot could go wash his underwear for breakfast.

[PHOTO]

A variety of seagulls lined up on the shoreline checking out the humpback whale breaching not far off.

[REVIEW]

Anon: The budtenders at this so-called Psychotropia do not seem to know shit about customer service. I was very explicit in my request for a dose that would a) elevate ALL my sensations while b) leaving me focused enough to drive and c) keep me from ejaculating until I wanted to but no, my cock was numb when I came and then crashed into that streetlight. One star and only that because woah.

[MESSAGE]

Samantha: The feds came back to our house again interrogating me and my sister about mom and dad. This one detective wanted all the paperwork about mom's death and was acting weird about the details. He wanted to know about the genetic markers and what do I know? She had breast cancer and it spread and the chemo didn't work and she died. Hardly suspicious. That's just the way it was in those days. Now they have a lot better treatments but still you have to be lucky sometimes. The guy seemed to think that dad had something to do with it. Dad was devastated. We all were. She was the most alive person we ever knew, right up until the end. None of us could believe it. I would have just laid down and died but mom was up cooking a roast when she fell down the final time.

[PHONY]

It's official! Word is coming down from sources at the deepest levels of the secret shadow government that Tony the Tiger is an undercover agent from the agency that doesn't exist who was sent to Sulpador on a mission to disrupt their fisheries industry by introducing a lethal genetic strain of krill into the rivers and streams so that once it got into the ocean no one could trace the source.

[WISDOMS]

It's no use winning the lottery if you already lost the ticket.

[FOOD]

Platanos fritos con salsa verde is a thing now so I'm told.

[PHONY]

Extra, extra, read all about it. Tony the Tiger is now Tony the Viper after news of his double-cross reached the black ops folks he betrayed through his sworn allegiance to the enemies of The Light.

[MESSAGE]

Justice Y: I just got back from the police station where they told me I'd better not talk so I won't go into any details but they wanted to know all about the crowdfunder and especially who it was who donated the ten thousand dollars. They think it might have been laundered through some drug cartel or something. They mentioned a Pancho Sanza but I think they're just being lazy and making shit up. Clearly they meant Sancho Panza like right out of a book like a stupid code name like nobody knows who it is.

[VIDEOS]

A hippo is floating calmly down a river completely unaware it's about to hit a gigantic waterfall. What happens next is far from hilarious unless you're a sick twisted person who likes to see creatures suffer.

[CONNECTIONS]

Pedro V: So sorry to hear about your headaches! I have made something special for you and sent it to your post office box. Will you be able to pick it up or maybe a friend could? Or I could get it back and bring it to you in person? Maybe we could meet somewhere.

[TRAFFIC]

It would take you forty-two minutes to get to work under the current conditions if you hadn't been fired for not showing up.

[ASKIT.COM]

What kind of sap would you be if you were oozing out of a maple tree?

[NEWS]

Lopez Vicina has once again called for targeted nuclear strikes against the capitol San Sulpador, and once again the Joint Chiefs of Staff have pretended to have lost the memo in the mail.

[CONTROVERSY]

Adam XX: Those mother fucking Sulpie mother fuckers better hope their mother fucking Sulpie luck holds up because we're coming, baby, and we're going to chop down every last one of you mother fucking sugar cane mother fuckers or whatever the fuck it is you Sulpie fuckers grow down there, mother fuckers.

[RATED]

be-rated.appspot.com: Aunt Jemima's Buttermilk Instant Pancake Mix - 4.7 stars.

[VOICEMAIL]

Angel A: Hey, Pepa and I are coming over tonight and we're going to go through everything, ok? We're going to get you signed up whether you like it or not. Unemployment, COBRA, social security, whatever we can, and we're going to find you a new doctor too, and a lawyer. Pepa has some ideas. She's all over it. I don't care they said you were "terminated for cause". She already talked to some people. You've got grounds. Major grounds.

[NEWS]

Super-model Glyph Alders was killed around three o'clock this morning when her vehicle was apparently hijacked and and blown up near Trafalgar Square. No further details are known at this time.

[PHONY]

Glyph Alders' billionaire boyfriend, Jeremy Bland, also known as The Lord of Whatsit, is rumored to have been nowhere near the scene of the fatal accident and may have had nothing at all to do with it.

[PHONY]

Was Glyph Alders lying about her age? News reports put the model's age at 25 but her birth certificate is said to show conclusively that she was actually 27 at the time of her death.

[INFORMATIONS]

Glyph Alders, known throughout the world for both her beauty and her charitable activities, was engaged to be married to international futbol sensation Bigg Upps currently playing for Real Madrid.

[PHOTO]

Glyph Alders in her most famous pose, leaning over a sofa and leering at the camera with her long blonde hair hanging straight down barely covering her left nipple.

[PHONY]

Glyph Alders secretly tied to Karen Clyde, the polyamorous actress and provocateur. Was a jealous and enraged Dillon Sharif of AllDat Corporation actually behind the murder?

[PHONY]

The black box retrieved from Glyph Alders Jaguar L7-7 is said to show traces of the malicious malware known as CandyKid released into the wild last year by the secret shadow cabinet controlled by the deepest levels of the dark state.

[VIDEOS]

Glyph Alders on the red carpet at the Abu Dhabi Film Festival wearing a long white gown and accompanied by a dashing Lord Bland.

[ASKIT.COM]

What kind of detonator would you be if you were an Arrica Class 4 Pico-Enhanced Remote Modulating Detonator X-14?

[PHONY]

The CandyKid family of invasive software is linked to the Central Block of Nations by the mere fact of it having infected many of their systems last year. Could it be the CBN is retaliating against the West by assassinating one of its recent years' most popular pinups?

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: Ok, we've lined you up with a Dr. Rubinzahl at the Peripheral Clinic. Pepa will come and get pick you up at ten. You're supposed to eat light if you can stomach anything, just some crackers and water, no coffee. There will be scans. You know the drill.

[PHOTO]

Glyph Alders at age seven in a one piece bathing suit with her family on vacation in Charleston, West Virginia. She is a little chubby in this one.

[EMOJI]

It's a race car on fire with little white bones flying out from the roof.

[REVIEW]

Anon: The TV show Bat***t featuring a parade of losers losing their s**t while live on stage in front of a national audience is the funniest damn thing I ever saw yet. 2 stars.

[CONNECTIONS]

Archie V: Hey you I saw you here on GreaterGreeter.com. You still up for whatever because I am so down with whatever!

[NEWS]

International soccer sensation Bigg Upps has denied having any sort of relationship with Glyph Alders, adding that it's "a damn shame for anyone to have their life ended that way" and offering prayers and thoughts for her family and loved ones.

[NEWS]

Super model Glyph Alders was the only passenger involved the accident. Her car, a Jaguar L7-7, was self-driving and the model had registered more than fifty million miles without an accident and was thought until today to be the safest consumer vehicle ever manufactured. It is not known how its security systems were breached and the vehicle made to detonate.

[PHONY]

Officials of the UK government are downplaying the fact that the first person on the scene of the Glyph Alders tragedy was a native of Tajikistan who "happened to be in the neighborhood". Witnesses noted that several thousand other people also happened to be in that neighborhood in central London, though most were asleep at the time.

[EMOJI]

A meat pie with the head and legs of a classic Barbie-doll poking out of either end.

[FUNNY]

Kim S: If S equals S then Zero.

[PHOTO]

Glyph Alders looking stunning in white Versace overalls at the Los Angeles Hall of Justice picketing with farm-workers for basic sanitation and water.

[WISDOMS]

You will enjoy good times as long as you enjoy times.

[WISDOMS]

Nice is nice.

[WISDOMS]

To be happy do the things that make you happy

[WISDOMS]

One hand washes the other.

[EMOJI]

It's a bear eating a sandwich made of chocolate bear-trap shapes.

[NEWS]

Glyph Alders, dead at the age of 25 or 27. A nation in mourning. President Lopez Vicina announces flags to be lowered to six inches above the knee.

[MESSAGE]

Rosie B: It's the everydayness of the thing sometimes. Like it's normal. Like the rest of the world is going about its daily business and you are too. You're standing there in that same spot waiting for the bureaucrat receptionist to wave you over so he can ask your name and birthday and all that stuff and tell you that you can have a seat and he's very nice, a very pleasant man who sometimes even remembers you and smiles. Then one of the nurses will call your name in a little while - the lab I go to now is much quicker than the other one was - and she (or he sometimes) is also usually friendly and more or less good at sticking the needle into your arm and drawing the six or seven multi-colored vials of blood, each of which is coded for its own inscrutable purpose. They know but you don't know. And then it's back to sitting and waiting again, at least an hour until you see the doctor, and when it was Dr. Abbas it was usually two hours because although the screen said he'd be right with you he would never be right with you. Sometimes he was waiting for the lab to process all that blood. Sometimes he was just with other patients, more important ones, dyinger ones. You look around the waiting room and judge everyone you see. This one looks already dead. That one with the mask and the cane and nothing but wrinkles from head to toe, you think she can't have long. Then there's a man who looks okay, he's got gray hair but otherwise probably not a day over fifty and what's he doing here, waiting in the same waiting room, and you try to compare him with yourself and wonder if he's got more cancer than you do, or if he's illegitimate. Illegitimate because he only has a little bit of it, and Plan A is going to knock that shit right out, and then he's going to be all right and maybe live a long, long time whereas these other people here, they have it more, they have it worse, and why him, why is he so fucking lucky? Finally they take you into the little waiting room (and it is very nice of Pepa to come in here with me, she knows she didn't have to but she is curious, I know. I understand) and do some more measurements like blood pressure and temperature and oxygen flow through your index finger and then more waiting, only now you're (usually) alone and just anticipating the knock on the door at any moment, and minutes pass, then half an hour or more. What are you going to do? You check your feed, that's what. You pull out your phone and check your feed and there it is, all of it going on and on like everything is normal. Now it's that blondie again who was blown up in her car. I don't even give a shit. Then it's more craziness about Antonio. Who would have ever thought? Antonio? Shy, balding, pudgy little Tony? With two firecracker ex-wives and two firecracker daughters and that fiancée who's waiting for him down in Panama is probably a xerox of those other two, who were copies of the girls he hung with on the road, the girls he liked in college and no doubt in high school too, the mean, naughty girls who toyed with him like the good little boy he always was. My poor Antonio! And there's people with their jokes, and people with their lies, and people with their highlights and their lowlights, and the things they like and all the things they don't. Meanwhile you don't know what's going on right inside your own body. You have no idea what's in your blood, what's in your cells, or what the doctor's going to see or what he's going to share. I trusted Dr. Abbas because he was a doctor but now I don't even know. I'm sitting there in the new doctor's waiting room and I haven't even met him yet and I don't know. What's he going to tell me? Was it the Plan B that messed me up? Or maybe it would have happened anyway? Whatever it was that happened? How come nobody tells me what is really going on? And even if they did, would I even understand? Cells that have stuff in them like X, Y or Z and that's what makes them cancer. They could tell me anything and I would simply nod my head and say, okay but is it going to kill me tomorrow or not right away? It's all I really want to know. There will be more appointments, and more scans and maybe more infusions or some other kind of treatment. In the meantime, here I am, checking my stupid feeds again, and everything is normal and flowing on and on and on and on.

[NEWS]

Funeral services for Glyph Alders will be held at the Palladium on the 29th. Tickets will start at 220 euros and go on sale on Monday.

[PHOTO]

A close up of a pelican walking on water with its wings spread wide for takeoff

[REVIEW]

Anon: If you haven't seen The Purple Crunch II yet you might want to wait. Initial audience reaction has led to a recall of the film for a major re-edit. It's rumored that the female lead is being replaced by a koala.

[PHONY]

It's been established beyond a shadow of a doubt that Antonio Vasquez is the ringleader of an international trifecta involving members of the Troika Militia of Belgrade, Lesotho and Taipei. Underwater cables have been retrieved by divers which prove conclusively that the Krill Society is also deeply involved to the tune of four hundred pounds per square inch including monotheistic dioxide poisoning.

[INFORMATIONS]

If you've ever wondered how it is that 99.999% of the history of the human race has been irretrievably lost and forgotten and yet historians claim to know anything about it need look no further than the very same impulse that leads a man to order dinner for his date.

[FUNNY]

Kim S: In case you were wondering, the square root of something is the same thing as something squared. You're welcome.

[ANGRY]

J Crue: I don't believe in anything. Anything at all. Whatever anybody says I think right away it's bound to be a lie. What are they after? What do they want? Follow the money. Quid pro quo. The world as willful misrepresentation, as a modern Schopenhauer might say.

[SERIOUS]

Marie: It feels different around here. I don't know why. Maybe it's the situation with Tony, how belligerent everybody got. Walking around the office now I feel there's tension, defensiveness, anxiety. What is it?

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: Pepa is glad to be there with you. She says you're very brave. We all think so too. Did you know that Terry B had no idea what happened to you? At least that's what he told me. He said he was cut out of the loop somehow. Said he was going to look into it. Maybe just covering his ass but you two used to be close, right? Wasn't he your direct boss once?

[VIDEOS]

Someone felt the need to post this circus of monkeys performing amazing tricks. Yes I know that chimps are well into their version of the Stone Age. Matter of time before they get their own planet but do they really need to be juggling fireballs for children? Whose brilliant idea was that?

[RATED]

be-rated.appspot.com: Miller's Chewy Chew Strips - 2.2 stars

[REVIEW]

Anon: What I liked about the book is that it feels like it was performed more than written, like the writer sat down before each chapter and cracked her knuckles and said one-two-three-GO and off she went. 4.44 stars.

[PHOTO]

Glyph Alders in a silver gown accepting an award from two very lecherous looking old white billionaires. It's not clear what the award is for. She looks like she can't wait to get away.

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: Is there something I'm missing?

[PHOTO]

Hu Bin Wot posing with Antonio Vasquez as they board a small plane before departing from San Salvador. The release of the release engineer is being hailed around the world as a victory for the Central Bloc of Nations. The White House had no comment.

[VIDEOS]

Hu Bin Wot and Antonio Vasquez descend from the plane in Panama City where they are greeted effusively by the president of that country as well as Mr. Vasquez fiancee, who is said to be overjoyed if not overweight.

[INFORMATIONS]

Engineers from the AllDat Corporation are boasting that they managed to change every reference to the country of El Salvador and the city of San Salvador to Sulpador and San Sulpador and back again with almost no glitches in time for the opening bell of the New York Stock Exchange.

[ANGRY]

J. Crue: That's it. Lopez Vicina has to go. We can't take another day of this shit.

[FUNNY]

Kim S: him (reading the paper) what the fuck? me (ignoring him) that the fuck.

[PHOTO]

Glyph Alders looking fabulous in a sheer white top and bikini bottom on display in her diamond-studded silver coffin.

[EMOJI]

I'd say it was an elephant seal squishing multiple penguins while singing the star-spangled banner in the manner of KRAY-Z.

[PHONY]

Patriots across the land are echoing the president's call to rename all of the nations of Central America, beginning with the former Guatemala, henceforth to be known exclusively as Hot Tamale.

[RATED]

be-rated.appspot.com: Keytruda (pembrolizumab) - 4.7 stars.

[INFORMATIONS]

While most Americans polled are pleased with the resolution of the Tony Vasquez crisis, a solid majority remain upset with the impression that America once again looks like a pathetic loser in the eyes of the rest of the world.

[REVIEW]

Anon: There's a scene in The Purple Crunch II where Zak, the titanium babysitter, pleads with El, the teenage heartthrob, to come down from the tree where she's precariously perched, and share another Miller's Chewy Chew Stick with him.

[NEWS]

The Other Pope (in Istanbul) has called for the ouster of the United States from the International Committee to Paint Things Differently, in accordance with the Other Church's central doctrine of who really cares we're all gonna die anyway.

[MESSAGE]

Samantha: Hi Rosslyn it's been a hectic time but I want you to know my dad is okay and sends his love and will talk to you soon.

[VOICEMAIL]

Office of Dr. Rubinzahl: This message is for Rosario Bolinas. Doctor Rubinzahl's office calling. The doctor has reviewed the lab results and would like to see you again this Friday morning at eight thirty. If you can't make it at that time please let us know. Thank you.

[MESSAGE]

Dillon S: To AllDat Employees, I want to let you know that we have suspended the blockade of data that was imposed on the government of El Salvador in response to their illegal capture and retention of our esteemed employee, Antonio Vasquez. We do not regret this action despite the criticism that has come our way, and will not hesitate to do so again under future direct provocations. At the same time, it is not our policy to change the names of nations willy-nilly, and so we will not be complying with executive order #32675 in regards to the proposed re-christening of Panama, Honduras, Nicaragua, Guatemala and Belize.

[VIDEOS]

The life of a cancer from simple cell cluster to large tumor mass, colorized and with an inspirational soundtrack by Jon Bon Jovi.

[MESSAGE]

Rosie B: The blood tests came out pretty normal, just a slight increase in the AST levels which the doctor's assistant said was nothing to worry about. I'll get the results of the PET scan later this week. In the meantime, the headache just won't go away. I spend most of my time in the dark, both literally and figuratively. Thank Pepa for the beautiful quilt. I am basically living inside of it.

[NEWS]

It is not yet known whether the explosion recorded just south of Nome, Alaska was related in any way to the missile launched from Ulaanbaatar.

[VOICEMAIL]

The Office of Dr. Rubinzahl: This message is for Rosario Bolinas. This is the office of Doctor Rubinzahl calling. Hello Rosario, it's now 8:40 a.m. We had you scheduled for this morning at 8:30. Please let us know as soon as possible if you cannot make it in today. Thank you.

[NEWS]

There has been no word from the government of Mongolia as to whether their rocket strike against the state of Alaska was intentional or an accident. Reports from the scene describe a crater of significant size but no indication of nuclear radiation. President Lopez Vicina has declared a state of provisional war against Mongolia pending clarification. The president had previously vowed to "bomb back into the Stone Age" anyone who ticked him off unnecessarily.

[MESSAGE]

Angel A: Hi Rosie, We just stopped by to get you but you didn't pick up. I left your apartment keys at home so we're going back to get them now and we'll be back in about twenty minutes. You did say your appointment was at 8:30, right?

[FUNNY]

Kim S: They said it was a clam sandwich. My bad.

[FEEDBACK]

GirlInATentCity: I'm trying to picture this but I just can't.

[WISDOMS]

If the earth was flat it wouldn't make any difference in your daily life now would it?

[INFORMATIONS]

Excavations of the lost city of Miami are revealing little known secrets of the lifestyles of the rich and famous who once occupied that mythical site.

[VOICEMAIL]

Karen A: Rosslyn? It's Karen. I can't understand this message you sent. What do you mean by 'excalibur?'

[PHOTO]

Thousands of fans, admirers and just plain old-fashioned blood-suckers lining the streets outside the Palladium to catch a glimpse of the dead body of the dead model Glyph Alders, who died when a nine year old boy from Lithuania mistakenly typed in the character sequence "p. u. g." into the Jaguar L7-7 simulator app running on his keychain.

[MESSAGE]

Tony V: Hey Rosie, it's me and yes I'm back from all my trials and tribulations! I heard about your cancer. Man, that sucks! And they really let you go from AllDat? How did that happen? Sammy didn't know the details and I haven't talked to Angel yet either. I want to come over and see you but I'm still in Los Angeles answering questions. So many fucking questions and what do I know? I was just going to get my girlfriend so we can get married! Anyway, I'll be up there as soon as I can. I had a lot of time to think while I was under house arrest, about what I want to do with the rest of my life, and I might just have something for us both. I'm thinking of finally busting out that start-up we used to talk about. You know, the software release consulting business? I'm thinking of calling it RelCo. So many companies waste so much time and effort and don't even realize it, but you and me, we know the drill and we can crunch the numbers, right? We can save them real cold hard moola. And I'm getting some offers. What with all that happened, people know my name now and want to cash in on the association, you know what I mean? I think we can actually get that round of funding. It's pretty exciting to think about and if you're really free now, hey, we can do it, right? We'll get the band back together one more time! Maybe even Angel too though she's pretty stubborn as you well know and she is loving all those stock dividends. Can't blame her really but I'm so ready to break out. After what I went through? And you too. If what I heard is what really happened then fuck them, right? Anyway, we'll talk. Love you Rosie!

[NEWS]

Glyph Alders' funeral has set all sorts of records. Ticket sales were through the roof. People lined up for more than thirteen hours to pass through on the first day alone! Alders is now estimated to have been the most seen corpse in one day since Vladimir Lenin. She is of course much better looking too, according to most experts.

[INFORMATIONS]

The discovery of crabs on Mars was met with universal astonishment this week, with scientists appalled that the creatures had not been seen before despite the tons of soil that had been dug up on that planet in the ultimately futile attempt to turn it into an automated gardening bonanza. Scientists are now attempting to determine if the crabs are native to the red planet or if they originated elsewhere in the solar system, perhaps on some stupid asteroid.

[VIDEOS]

A bold protest of cyclists dressed in clown suits protesting the nation's ban on clowns in public.

[NEWS]

The United States has launched a missile strike against Mongolia, targeting an area as discretely un-populated as that which was struck by the Mongolian missile in Alaska. President Lopez Vicina called his policy "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and in this case, a tit for a tat".

[NEWS]

The American missile has unfortunately been infected by a version of the CandyKid malware. It is not known at this time if the character sequence "p.u.g" is included in the launch code entered by the president.

[NEWS]

The American missile is now on track to hit lower Manhattan in twenty seven minutes and ten seconds.

[NEWS]

A second missile has been launched with the intention of blowing up the first one before it reaches its target.

[NEWS]

The White House will neither confirm nor deny that the CandyKid-jacked rocket is tipped with a nuclear warhead.

[FUNNY]

Kim S: him (reading the paper) what's a four letter word for fuck shit holy damn hell

[FEEDBACK LOOP]

The story of This and That can gracefully and naturally end in one of two ways now, and either way the feed itself continues, on and on and on and on.

Does Rosie B, a.k.a. Rosslyn, a.k.a. Rosario Bolinas survive, and get to go on Plan C through Dr. Rubinzahl, and was Dillon Sharif correct in his assessment that Plan C could help prolong her life? Does she then get to work with Tony in his start-up and if so, does Angel join them? Or is Rosie B already dead from the cancer which has spread to her brain and caused a mass effect, shutting down both consciousness and breathing? I can't decide.

If Rosie lives, what about Pedro V, the jigsaw-puzzle-manufacturing guy from GreaterGreeter.com? Will he and Rosie ever hook up? He seemed like a decent sort. Will she ever reconcile with her adulterous sister Karen, and what did she mean by 'excalibur'?

If she dies there will be no ticket sales, no long lines waiting to see her in her demise.

Meanwhile, what becomes of the CandyKid-jacked rocket? Is Manhattan destroyed by a malware-infected nuclear-tipped missile launched in a fit of pique and impulse by a lunatic president of the United States?

Does George N ever get what's coming to him? Probably not.

Cancer kills. Cancer treatments can mess up your life. This is something I am learning for myself right now, every day, and is the reason I've been writing this particular story. Every day I'm sitting in a waiting room or a doctor's office or an infusion center and finding myself scrolling through Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and Feedly and Flipboard and Google News and WhatsApp and Snapchat, and here is the world around me and here is the world close to me, and it's becoming clearer and clearer what really matters and who really matters in my world, what is signal and what is noise, and underneath it all the unknowable anxiety, will I be the lucky one or will I be the other?

Mine is a story that can gracefully and naturally end in one of two ways now, and either way the feed itself continues, on and on and on and on.

