♫ A Majestic, Mountainous Theme ♫
AARON: Alright! Let's continue with the mission.
I feel a lot better.
EMRE: Good.
I'm glad.
AARON: Where do I have to go now, Emre The Bitch?
EMRE: Weeell, you have to kill three people. I remember that.
AARON: Okay.
EMRE: Alright. Which one do you want to kill first?
AARON: OOOh! Narfi, for sure!
EMRE: FUCKIN' NARFI!
♫
EMRE THE PHILOSOPHER: I wonder how many footballs you can fit in a bear's mouth...
[EMRE sniffs, inhaling the stink of his own genius]
AARON:...Why do you wonder that?
EMRE: Well. Whenever I see a big *gaping* anything, I wonder how many footballs--
AARON [laughing]: You wonder how many footballs you can put in it.
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON: Okay, well, that's, uh...you're fuckin--you're fucked in the head.
Whenever I see a refrigerator, I'm like [as dopey Emre] 'How many footballs can I put in thaaat? DERR?'
Like, our mailbox.
Or any sort of, like, bucket.
EMRE: Is that the guy?
Is that him?
AARON: YES.
[AARON and EMRE babble over one another]
AARON: Wait...who is this?
EMRE: This is Narfi.
AARON: OH, it is! I found his sister in the lake!
I wonder how many footballs I could fit in his mouth...
Uhhh, Narfi? Is it okay if I just stand here for like five hours?
Until you go to bed...
Narfi, go to bed!
Go to bed!
Go back in the shack, and go to bed.
AARON [slowly becoming an angry mother]: Narfi, I will wait here for another three hours...
Hey, did you see what day it was?
It's Turd-Ass.
EMRE: TURD-ASS??
AARON: 2:18 AM on Turd-Ass.
My least favorite day is Turd-Ass.
EMRE: My least favorite day is Ur-In-Dick.
AARON: Go to bed!
How late are you going to stay up, you fuckin'...
DAMMIT, GO TO BED!
EMRE [losing patience]: JUST SNEAK UP BEHIND HIM AND YEYEEE--HE DOESN'T EVEN NEED TO BE SLEEPING!
Just fuckin' sneak up! Kill 'em!
EMRE [softly]: Alright. There you go, there you go...
It's Lydia that's detecting you. Don't worry about it.
AARON: You sure about that?
EMRE: YES. YES! Pull out your mace...
Fuckin' beat his ass!
Power Attack. Just--ARGH! DAMMIT!
AARON: Oops. Uhhhh. There's a bounty. Maybe...that didn't work.
EMRE: UHHH...well...
AARON: Emre, how come you didn't give me good advice? You said sneak attack and it totally failed.
EMRE: You didn't POWER ATTACK him!
AARON: Alright. I'm gonna try it again...
Look! There he goes!
EMRE [trying so hard]: Alright, sneak behind  him--
AARON: What do I do???
EMRE: Just, there you go. You're fine.
Pull out your mace.
Alright.
Get up behind him.
*Hold* down one of the--
[AARON doesn't immediately fail]
EMRE: YES!
[EMRE's clapping is like AARON, slow but proud]
FUCK, YES!
You did it!
AARON: I did it!
EMRE: THAAANK GODDD!
AARON: I GOT 'EM!
NARFI!
Let's see...
EMRE: DUDE! You should--Yeah! You should have, like, a calling card. That's a good idea.
Like, every person you *murder* you leave a bounty on...or, a, uh--
AARON: Absolutely.
EMRE: A bowl of mammoth cheese...
AARON: I need a calling card. UUUhhhmm...
How 'bout gold?
EMRE: That's a--No!
AARON: Oh.
EMRE: What a *shitty* idea!
AARON: Okay...
EMRE: Pure *SHIT*.
AARON: How about abandoned shack keys?
That could be a good calling card.
EMRE: You only have ONE...
AARON: Oh...
Uhhhmmm...
How 'bout...invisibility potion recipes?
EMRE [getting tired of AARON's shit]: *AGAIN*...My God.
AARON: I'm gonna be totally dope about this and leave nightshade on their bodies.
EMRE: Dude, that is dope. All you kids out there? This is called *style*.
AARON: Yeah.
EMRE: Yeah.
♫
AARON [singing]: Goin' to kill Ennodius, EnnOdiUS PapIUSss...
♪ DOo DAa Doo dAa DOo doo ♪
♪ DOoo Daa DOoo Da DOOoo Dooooo ♪
HAI!
POOR, PITIFUL ENNODIUS: Why are you here?!
AARON: I dunno--
ENNODIUS: GET AWAY FROM ME!
AARON: What?!
I just wanted to fuckin' smash your FACE in, you *piece of shit*!
ENNODIUS: Nevah should have come here!
AARON: Uh. Well. There we go.
EMRE: Ah! Look at his head!
Aww. It almost made it to the river.
AARON: I wanna put it back on his body.
Somebody needs to witness me doing this.
And, I'm gonna try and cover this up.
Lydia, get out of the way!
[EMRE snorts, stifling laughter]
AARON: Get your...DON'T kick the head!
Okaaay, Ennodius.
Just, uh...
Get right back on there...
Come on.
You can do this. I know--Here, I'll move the body.
EMRE: Yeah, there you go.
AARON: OH, no! Come back here!
Get--WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
EMRE: Whooaa!
Why is it going all the way over there?
AARON: Where the Hell it go?!
GodDAMNIT! All my work *RUINED*!
Okay.
Come on.
Nope! No, no, nonono--Ohhh! OH! SHIT!
EMRE: Dude. You lost the head.
AARON: Oooh, dammit.
Stupid. Ennodius Papius.
I'm gonna put your body in the river.
This is...This is like the weirdest thing I've ever seen in a game.
I'm just gonna put that out there.
There we go! BYYYEEEee!
BON VOYAAAaaGE!
EMRE: This is the first episode of Skyrim for Mobsters.
[EMRE and AARON giggle like school girls]
AARON: That was a very 'Pulp Fiction-y' moment that we just had right here.
♫
[RECORD SKIPS]
AARON: OH, NO! NONONONO--Oh, God! OHGOD!
OOOhh, look at what I forgot!
AARON: I am *NOT* a good assassin!
[EMRE cracks up over AARON'S continued incompetence]
AARON: This is bad news, everybody!
We can only hope that his body is still stuck in that eddy.
Because, if it's not there...
OOOHH, YES!
Oh, yesss...
EMRE: THANK GAWD.
AARON: OH, Ennodius! It's good to see you again, my friend.
Okay.
EMRE: JESUS! What serial killers must go through every time...
AARON: I KNOW! Well, especially *forgetful* serial killers.
There's your nightshade, man. I'm sorry I forget that.
Oh, God. I'm a terrible...terrible, killer.
♫
AARON: OH, SHIT!
EMRE [sounding constipated]: OOOooooooohh fuuuck!
AARON: It's time to visit *THE ORACLES*!
EMRE: AGAIN.
[AARON groans like a creepazoid]
EMRE: It's like they get wiser every time you see 'em.
AARON: They really do! How do they do that?
Karita, if I did this in real life--if you were real--I would be in *jail*.
EMRE: Not if you took her out for a nice dinner first.
AARON: Then I could just stand here and stare at her tits all night?
[laughing] I don't think that's how it works, Emre.
You don't really get out much, do ya?
EMRE: You just haven't met the right girls yet.
AARON [incredulously]: That's what it is. Okay.
WOW.
Do...we have to keep doing this mission? Can I just stay here?
EMRE: You must.
It's for *the horse*.
AARON [weakly]: Ah, okay, I'll pry myself away...
Oh...
AAHH!!
OOhh, GAHD! UUGGGGH! [disgusted by the monstrosity that is Lydia]
WOW.
That's like a cold shower.
AARON: Alright. So, let's continue the mission.
EMRE: Uhh, turn around.
AARON: UHMmm--
EMRE: Turn around.
AARON: So, anyway--
EMRE [suddenly sexy]: Turn right 'round, babeh.
AARON: Wait, why?
AARON: Wait, there used to be something written on this tree...
EMRE: WWwhhat are you talkin' 'bout?
[RETURN OF SAD PIANO]
AARON: Astrid...
Astrid! YOU MADE ME FORGET ABOUT ASTRID!
YOU MADE ME FORGET ABOUT ASTRID WITH THAT VEINY FLUTE PLAYING SLUT!
EMRE: I-I NEEDED YOU *IN* THE *GAME*! I NEEDED YOU TO REMEMBER WHAT YOU ARE HERE FOR!
AARON: AAaaahh, okay, we gotta go back!
We gotta go back to Astrid!
Astrid loves me!
EMRE: YOU'RE GOING CRAZY--
AARON: SHE JUST HASN'T REALIZED IT YET!
DO YOU KNOW ASTRID?!
AH-BALONEY?! [Abelone]
You look like you're made of ahhh-baloney!
Oh, my God! Let's get out of here!
I gotta go back to Astrid!
What's happening?!
[EMRE keeps his pimp hand strong, slapping AARON back to sanity]
EMRE: SHUDDUP!
You just have ONE more person to kill and then you can return to Astrid a *hero*!
AARON [clearheaded]: I'm not gonna let Astrid do this to me.
You're absolutely right. I'm gonna be a *PIMP*.
AARON: Beitlid. Gonna kill BEITliid.
EMRE: BeeiiTlid.
AARON: Here I come, Beitlid!
Get ready!
♪ BEEEIITTLIDDD, Ooooh, BEIITLiiid! ♪
♪ OOOHHhh, whEEeere AAAaare yoUU, BEEItLIiid??? ♪
♪ IIIii'MMmm GOOoonAA KIiiLL YOUUU, BEEIiittLIIIDD ♪
♪ I'M GONNAA SMAAAssh youuu Wiiith MYyyy MAAccee ♪
♪ Kill you with my MAAccee in the faAAAce, Gonna KIIiilll yOu in YOUrrr PLAce ♪
[losing momentum] ♪ Gonna kill you with a flaming mace of dooOOOoomm...in yer dah, be, bah-b...♪
EMRE: This is why we don't sing.
AARON [forlorn again]: If only Astrid was here with me...
We could kill Bitch-lid together...
We'd make such a good team...
We could go around assassinating people in their beds and then, kiss.
[EMRE continues to find joy in AARON's loneliness]
AARON: It's cozy in here.
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON [whispering]: Oh, look! There she is...
Hey, be quiet--NO, NO, NO! GO BACK TO SLEEP!
EMRE: FUCKIN' KILL HER! QUICK!
NOW!
DO IT!
FUCK! You mussed up! GHH!
EMRE: Ah?
MMn??
Ahhh, DAMMIT.
AARON: I got bounty'd.
[Blooper Reel Blip Sound]
EMRE [whispering]: Okay. Be very, very quiet--
AARON: Ooohh, JEEesus...
EMRE: OOOHH, GAWD!
AARON: I don't wanna play anymore.
[Blooper Reel Blip Sound]
EMRE: Alright. *FOCUS*. This is time to work.
AARON: I can't, can't concentrate.
EMRE: Get Astrid and her beautiful...*ass*, outta your head.
AARON: It's not a beautiful ass. It's just *lickable*.
EMRE [softly]: There you go...
AARON: Bitch-ild! Hey, Bitch-ild...
Bitch-ild, wake up!
BITCH-ILD!
HEY, IT'S ME!
Man, she sleeps sound.
EMRE: Jump on her bed!
That'll do it.
AARON: I didn't wanna wake her up, though! GODDAMIT, EMRE!
EMRE: KILL HER!!
NOW, QUICK!
HURRY!
[Flails and Fails]
̶B̶E̶I̶T̶I̶L̶D̶  BITCH-LID: You're not supposed to be here!
AARON [getting tired]: AAahhhGawwhhd...
I'm such a failuureee! [laughing at himself]
[BITCH-LID MUST DIE, TAKE 3]
EMRE [whispering]: Alright...
AARON: SSHHH...
I'm just, I'm just gonna sneak up on her--watch! [INSERT JAWS THEME]
EMRE: J-Just kill her!
Just *do it*!
♪ DUUUUUUUuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnn ♪
[AARON at last knows the taste of success]
EMRE: YEEEESS!
EMRE: Alright, that was *kinda* a little overboard.
AARON: I did it, okay? It was good enough.
Oh, my God! I'm gonna give the leg of goat roast to Astrid and then she'll really love me!
EMRE [playing him]: Oh, my God! Yeah!
OH! And, you know what next Turd-Ass is??
AARON: What?
EMRE: Valentine's Day!
AARON: OOoooh, yeaaaaAAH!
AARON: Alright. Another successful assassination!
Hey, Lydia! How's it goin'?
LYDIA: We heading out?
AARON: Yeah, we're heading out. You know, I just went in there to use the bathroom. So, I think we're ready to go now.
LYDIA [ever condescending]: I AAAmmm SWOOrrn to carry yer BUUrrddeeens...
AARON: You need to be stopping, so sarcastic, seriously...
It's *really* a turn-off...
OH, SHIT!
I forgot to leave my calling card!
[LYDIA enters the house, stomping like a 2 ton armored gorilla]
AARON: JESUS CHRIST! WHY DON'T YOU MAKE MORE NOISE?!
GAWD, LYDIA!
Lydia! UUhhhm! She was, uhhh...
UHhh! This doesn't, isn't what it looks like!
Um, we just had sex.
And, she's just sleeping now cuz it was *so* good.
I'm just gonna give her a flower.
AAAnd, we'll head out...
AARON [to himself]: Oohhh, God. Lydia f--caught me. In the act of killing.
There ya GOOooo...
You can take *that* to the Underworld with you, Bitlid.
AGGH! Okay! I gave her the flower! She's, umm, probably gonna wake up in a couple of hours--LET'S GO!
♫
AARON: It's time to set the record straight with Astrid.
I bought a new outfit! Just...f-for her.
EMRE: OH, really?
AARON: I mean, for--for, uhm, for me to wear.
EMRE: Ah, I can't wait!
AARON: Here I come, Astrid!
AARON: OH, GOD! What a *long* journey!
OOOOOOooooooh! Just need to rest my legs for a couple seconds!
MMnn. Look at that.
OOH, Emre--
EMRE: A-Are you trying to get me to get angry, or upset? Cuz I'm not gonna.
AARON [shocked: *WHY* would I do that Emre?? I just--
EMRE: I'm not gonna let ya.
AARON: I'm just takin' the game in stride. People--
EMRE: NO.
AARON: Y-You should enjoy the game for what it's...
[EMRE, sighing, questions their friendship]
AARON:..Worth.
AARON: OH, shit! Where's Astrid?! She's not in here!
AAAstriiid?
AAaaaastriddd...
I better put on my new outfit.
Here it is! It's called, uh, Sex Armor.
Oh and I have my *fucking* gold ring, bitch.
EMRE: OOOoooo!
AARON: It's also, It's my bling. I got some bling.
I got a fuckin' gold ring. *Bitch*.
I think I'm ready to IMPRESS, Astrid.
Check this shit out.
EMRE: Ohhh, WOOOw!
AARON: Dude?
Am I...Is that *SEX ARMOR* or what?
EMRE: Ahuh...I think you should take off your helmet...
Personally, uhh, I dunno how she's gonna *make out* with you.
AARON: No.
EMRE: With the helmet.
AARON: That would be...That would be kinda--It would taste kind of gross.
EMRE: It would be like lickin' the inside of a dwarf.
Oh, nice!
AARON: Oh, that is pretty.
EMRE: I know, yeah.
AARON: I am a looker!
Know what I mean?
AARON [still desperate]: Wooow. Look at me. In the *ass*.
EMRE: This is even more awkward than I thought possible.
AARON: This is really...
Uhhh, I feel kind of weird doing this, even in a video game.
EMRE: I'm sweating.
AARON: Okay. Alright. I'll stop.
ASTRID: Ahhh. There you are.
AARON: EHEHEE--yeah!
What?
ASTRID:...was done speaking with that *muttering* fool, anyway.
AARON: Yeah, me too!
ASTRID: We've got some business to discuss.
AARON: D-DO you like MY NEW OUTFIT?!
ASTRID [oblivious]: You must go to the city of Markarth.
AARON: Okay.
ASTRID: And speak with the apothecary's assistant.
AARON: Okay...
ASTRID: You'll probably find her in 'The Hag's Cure' when the shop is open.
EMRE: It's to get condoms.
[ASTRID goes on, ignored by horny boys]
EMRE: I mean--
AARON: EHEHE, yeah!
EMRE: Girl condoms...
[THE BOYS cackle as ASTRID blithers on and on about everything but girl condoms]
AARON: Yeess. Yes, so we don't accidentally hurt each other.
AARON [fishing for compliments]: Anything else, Astrid?? Mmnnhehehehhhhe....
ASTRID: Just do *whatever* the contact wishes.
AARON: Yeah!
ASTRID: She'll be generous, I'm sure.
AARON: Oh, yeah, yeah...
ASTRID: They always are...
AARON: Oohh, yeah, they SURE are. EHEHEH.
Hey, Astrid!
I know you and I like to have little conversations around this table...
I just wanted you to check out what I'm wearing.
Astrid?
I think this armor really shows off my *hips*!
And, my...
EMRE: Abdominal...strength.
AARON: Yeah! I mean, look at how *fit* I am, Astrid...
Do you like that?
[ASTRID is a busy, busy woman]
Astrid! Answer me.
Astrid, I have a present for you.
Oh, she's gonna love this. She is gonna *LOVE* this!
There you go!
I got it just for YOU, Astrid! The LEG OF GOAT ROAST! It's just for you, baby!
EMRE: Maybe she wants you to feed it to her?
AARON: I'm just gonna rub it all over her face.
Astrid?
[WET MEAT SLAPPY SOUNDS]
[SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP]
♫
EMRE: WHOAAAAH! It looks like somebody left his face in a bathtub for a week!
[GTA Random Citizen: Yeeeeaaah! BOI, BOI! HaHa! DOPE!]
