Puzzle Pieces of Life
Because our children are also just like yours.
They are also human, born and raised, also grow up and go to school.
They are also successful.
They are architects, doctors, directors, or they may be decent workers.
Then why not just be proud of them?
Therefore, we are here today,
to tell everybody that our children are gay.
Journey to Understanding Our Children
Since the day she knew that her son is gay
Ms. Dinh Thi Yen Ly had been through
the most tearful and painful time of her life as a mother.
But after 5 years,
now she has understood and accepted that reality.
Looking back,
she can’t help but feeling grateful,
for the four-page long letter from her son,
Tran Dang Khoa, which was addressed to her specifically.
Only when things had reached their climax between us,
that I brought out that letter.
Actually, I started writing it in my first year at university.
I wrote it in many years.
I gently put the letter into my mother’s room.
When she read it,
she cried a lot, and she could understand what was in my heart.
“Welcome all of our guests here today…”
Women may be weak, but mothers are strong.
Once she had understood her son,
Ms. Ly was ready to join in
and protect her child against all
the prejudices and discrimination from society.
Together with ICS,
a center which protects the rights for
gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people in Vietnam,
she has been traveling everywhere to disseminate
scientific information about the LGBT community,
in order to reduce discrimination,
and to help young people who are facing difficulties
in coming out to their families and society.
The more the motherswho have gay children
like Ms. Ly travel and meet with others,
the more they realise that,
in order to overcome barriers of society,
the LGBT youth in the community
very much need to be supported
by their own families first of all.
They very much need of a point of support,
in order to see that they are not alone at all.
The majority of them are not yet accepted by their families,
and they also do not dare to face and tell their parents the truth.
Their hope is for our PFLAG to be a major point of support for them.
As we are taking a journey to that many places,
let’s think about how will we carry out that journey?
What will we do?
We are targeting at parents,
because the parents in these places will be the next people
to initiate a movement for other parents as well.
So maybe in each location,
we will seek for potential parents
and share with them our passion,
so that they can team up with the mothers here.
Once we understand the children, the issue becomes obvious.
When the parents don’t understand,
the community doesn’t understand,
then the child would clearly be isolated.
Therefore I think let’s use these three words “Understanding Our Children”.
Let’s call our journey “Understanding Our Children”!
“Journey to Understanding Our Children”. Is it ok?
Yes, it’s a good name.
Ok, and I think that when our friends
in the community hear about this journey,
they would also understand that this is a way
to help them gain support from their parents.
Let’s do it, so that the society and community
would be freed from such tearful stories like that of Ms. Thuy,
who had to wrestle with her son for 10 years,
in order to understand him
The Journey to Understanding Our Children
was born under a very favourable condition.
Because it was supported by everyone in the community,
in almost all the provinces around country.
Everywhere, they have been waiting,
and are excited to welcome the mothers,
who are bringing this journey to their region.
When a person comes out as gay,
it would simply be his private business.
However, if a mother or father raises their voice
to confirm that their child is gay,
the matter would affect the whole kinship and family.
Therefore, the first challenge for PFLAG was
how to get the mothers to be brave,
to take part in the Journey to Understanding Our Children.
Some of the mothers are...
self-employed, in trades that are outside of the office environment,
then maybe the challege for them is less.
However, for those who are office workers like us,
then when we join the Journey to Understanding Our Children,
it means that we would have to
put ourselves in front of the public and community.
It also means that we would have to come out to
our organization, our co-workers,
and friends that we have a gay child.
And this is not an easy task at all.
To ensure that the meeting with parents
of gay children would truly be effective,
although no longer young,
the PFLAG mothers did not hesitate to go to class,
to improve their understanding of specialised scientific knowledge on
lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, also known as LGBT.
Finally,
after many days of preparation,
the PFLAG mothers’ Journey to Understanding Our Children
has officially begun.
First was to Can Tho, then Nha Trang, and now to Hai Phong.
My child is 30 years old this year,
she is a lesbian, and my son is 26 years old.
I also had to face another issue
when I knew that my son is gay and it is actually something
that cannot be changed,
I was facing another difficulty.
It was the fear of discrimination from society.
The next thing I did was to change my workplace,
because I was afraid that people would know that I have a gay son.
This disrupted everything in my life.
I had always been a very high achiever at work.
I work in education.
and my children had always been my great pride,
a model for other people.
But now my life shrank.
I was very afraid that everybody would know,
and would say that
“oh before she was like this and that, and now her son is like that”.
It was something that I was very afraid of.
And for those whose parents don’t believe in you,
then ok, let’s not criticize them anyway.
Let’s just keep on living your lives.
In 5 years, 10 years, by being successful, having a career,
then you parents will not have anything to criticize you for.
I also advised my son that:
“Whoever you want to be,
you would still be the person I gave birth to and still be my son...
Therefore, I would never think that way.”
I have always told my son that:
“You are my only son,
but I would never be so out-dated like the elders, ...
that you must continue on the lineage,
or that you have to be such and such...
You were born and raised in this society,
so as long as you always do things that are beneficial to the society,
and things that would not upset me, then I’m ok.
However way you want your career to be,
or whether you want to live here now,
Saigon tomorrow, go overseas or anywhere,
or whoever you love, whatever you do, they are your rights”.
There, I’m like that. And I only got the news 20 days ago.
In reality, there are parents
who still force their children into marriage in order to
fulfil their responsibilities towards the family,
even though they knew that their children are gay.
For the young people in the LGBT community,
this is really not something that they can force themselves into.
Therefore, a very important mission of the PFLAG mothers
is to help both sides resolve this difficulty.
It is my pleasure to meet you today.
Can you please introduce a little about yourself?
Can you please tell us how old you are this year?
And where you come from?
So let me introduce to you.
I am 71 years old this year.
I reached my longevity milestone (70th birthday)
in January of last year.
In the mean time, I’ve been telling Tu here to build a family.
I’ve been constantly telling him since he was 25 years old,
but he always answered that:
“You don’t need to worry about this private business...
Mother, just ignore me and don’t need to worry about me.
I will take care of it myself.”
In the last couple of years,
his father, uncles and brothers
have also been telling me to force him to marry,
and to look around for a wife for him.
My son said to me that:
“I am undutiful to you, but I just can not do it."
But the thing I am worried about the most
is that now in my hometown…
I really love my mother
I love my mother, and worried that when my she goes outside,
she has to endure badmouthing by other people.
But for myself, I am not afraid of anything.
I can still tolerate it my son. So you don’t have to worry about that.
They would even use demeaning,
or disrespectful words, like I said to you before.
They would say...
“Oh, he’s a pede, that is a he-she, or she-he”.
Just ignore them!
The issue here is
that they use those words because
their vocabulary is limited only to those terms,
so they would only use such.
Therefore, you don’t have to be upset.
You don’t get upset because deep inside yourself,
and in your thoughts,
you know that there is nothing wrong with your son.
When you are completely comfortable,
then your life would be happier.
That is also your son’s wishes. Ok?
Anyhow, it’s the same for any mothers,
no one would wish to give birth to a child like that of course.
But now that he’s like that, then what is there to do?
Anyway, let’s accept it,
so that their lives can be more comfortable.
Ms. Nguyen Lan Mong is a member of PFLAG.
In the past, her son had also been forced by his father to get married
with the hope that he can be cured.
It just shows that sometimes,
the ability to discern an issue accurately
to understand the child
would come from a mother’s exceptional instinct
to love and to understand.
It has to be the mother
a heart full of love
who can be rational and realise those obvious things
which lay beneath the layer of prejudices.
His father is of Chinese descent.
Therefore, he objected very strongly
and said that the only solution was
to send him out to the countryside.
to distant him from this city.
Moving to the countryside and work, so that he can change.
Then find a country girl, organize a wedding.
Once he has a family, he will have to take care of his family
then he would not be like that anymore.
In all these years, I could help many mothers to change.
But the mindsets of the fathers have not changed very much.
The mothers’ Journey to Undertanding Our Children continues to Da Nang.
The further the mothers would go, the shorter the way it would be
for the LGBT children to come home,
to be back to “normal” in the eyes of public opinion.
Is there anyone here
who already came out succesfully to their parents?
Ok, one, two people, three, four, five, many.
We would call that a lot already.
The rest of you are currently wanting to come out, right?
You really want to come out to
your parents, that’s why you are here.
Anyone who came out unsuccessfully?
We mothers would like to hear you share your own stories.
She knew she is a lesbian
and she came out to her family 2 years ago.
The first day she came out, her parents were in a lot of shock.
After that, they forbid her totally,
and locked her up in a separate room for more than a month.
At times, when her father got too angry,
he would use a big stick to hit her,
which caused a lot of bruises on her body.
Until now, having been under such condition for
such an extended amount of time,
she admitted that she has withdrawn
and feels depressed with herself.
She has used everyway to abuse herself,
such as using a knife to cut herself.
She cut herself a lot.
She isolates herself,
and many times she has thought of commiting suicide
You also have to sympathize
that not everybody is lucid enough
to control their own mentality.
Therefore,
the first thing I want to remind you is that:
study properly,
have a stable job, live independently.
You can see that it is usually those kind of people
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Like Vu here, for example.
who would be successful in their coming out.
Only a few hours ago,
we were complete strangers.
But after that, they could pour out all
of their innermost feelings and thoughts.
And we know that those were the things
they needed to talk about with their own parents.
And our hope is for the actual parents
to please listen to those stories from their own children,
not us.
Wishing you happiness!
This world is too small to be divided into
a second, or third world (in terms of sexuality).
Because a world that is equal would be enough for everyone.
I only live once.
This life is mine, and I am a part of this life.
The future is ahead.
My journey is also ahead.
So much joy, and a lot of challenges as well.
I understand that happiness is not in the destination,
but lies in each step forward which we dare to take.
In this Journey to Understanding Our Children,
we already have traveled to the various provinces.
Therefore, the mothers are very excited today,
as we arrive in Hanoi.
Because we see that,
throughout the Journey to Understanding Our Children,
the effects will spread all over our country.
We strongly believe in the changes
that will take place for each LGBT individual,
for the parents, as well as for everybody in society.
Firstly, we would like to give our very warm greetings,
and also our thanks to the parents,
who have made time to come and join us.
We appreciate your presence here very much.
About my own story,
one day I came to my final decision: to write my son a letter.
In that letter I talked a lot about my love and hopes
as he is my only son.
I reminded him of his responsibilities
since he is also the firstborn parental grandson.
Reminded him a lot about his resonsibilities.
And requested that
“If you cannot do what I said, then you can decide your own path”.
Here, it means that he can leave.
When I wrote out such thing,
it was like a deep knife stab into my heart,
but I had to do it. Because at that time
I thought that I had to be able to change my son
by any means neccessary.
After I sent that letter,
it took one week before I received a reply letter from him.
Until now, when talking about that letter,
I still cannot hold back my emotions.
It was a 4-page long letter in A4.
In there, he never denied that he is gay.
He verified many times: “I am gay”
and repeatedly said that “I am sorry Mum”.
The letter is very long, but now
I can only remember the main points, ...
which had impacted me in such a way
that I am sitting right here at this moment.
What he said was: “Dear Mum, I apologize to you,
because I have caused you a lot of pain.
I know that you have suffered a lot because of me.
But I am sorry Mum, I cannot do it any other way.
I have to live true to myself.
I know that when you gave birth to me,
if I was a child with disability,
disabled in anyway, then you would still hold me tight.
You would still cover and protect me.
But now I was born a gay,
then it means that I am a criminal,
I am an undutiful son.
I have caused you and Dad a lot of pain.
But dear Mum, please forgive me.
I cannot live differently from what I am.
Why can people turn right, but I cannot turn left?
I ask you to please understand and accept this for me.
Every night, I already had faced my own self,
and I had resented myself a lot.
I resented why did I come into this life to cause you so much pain.
All I ask of you is that, if you cannot accept who I really am,
then please give me one more year.
Once I graduate from university,
I will go far away from here,
so that I will no longer be a shame for you and the family clan.
And for me, that would be
the most terrible sentence that I have to receive,
since I was born a gay."
I received the letter from my son.
After I finished reading it, I cried all my tears out.
Suddenly, I now feel that
I have done so much wrong to my child.
Sorry because when Ms. Thuy and I recall these events
we cannot do it without being choked up with emotions.
But that is the past.
For the last 2 years,
we have been laughing more than crying.
With the goal of protecting the LGBT community,
PLFAG are the parents that have children
who are part of the LGBT community.
To come here and join you today,
all of us mothers had gone through a process of internal struggles,
self education, and overcoming fears.
All that, just so that we can accompany you
to be an example, a point of support for you to live better, more positively,
and to live with more vitality and strength.
It is of course our hope,
our message from the PFLAG mothers here specifically.
And we understand, we think,
and we believe that there are many more parents in this country,
who believe in you, and want you to live your own way, just like you are.
Be proud of that, and believe in that.
Let’s try to live, and let’s keep on living.
And what else?
“Keep on living! Keep on loving!”
