  Captioning sponsored by CBS
>> Stephen: HI!
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
"STEPHEN!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHY IS EVERYTHING DIFFERENT?
WHY ARE YOU IN THE GUEST CHAIR?
WHY AREN'T YOU BEHIND THE DESK?"
FIRST OF ALL, I'M GOING TO NEED
YOU TO BACK OFF, BECAUSE YOU'RE
FREAKING ME OUT WITH ALL THESE
QUESTIONS.
 ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S SIMPLE.
THIS IS ACTUALLY PRERECORDED.
I'M ACTUALLY STILL ON
THANKSGIVING VACATION.
AS YOU WATCH THIS, I'M IN A BEAN
BAG CHAIR, BINGE-LISTENING TO
TRUE-CRIME PODCASTS, WITH AN
ENTIRE PUMPKIN PIE BALANCED ON
MY BULGING GUT.
AND I'M SPRAYING CANNED WHIPPED
CREAM DIRECTLY INTO ONE OF THE
HOLES ON MY FACE.
I HOPE IT'S MY MOUTH.
BUT EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT HERE,
TONIGHT IS STILL AN ALL-NEW
SHOW-- WITH A TWIST.
I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN THAT
CHAIR INTERVIEWING CELEBRITIES
AND NEWSMAKERS AND AUTHORS IN
THIS CHAIR FINDING OUT
EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM:
WHAT THEY THINK, WHAT THEY FEEL,
WHAT THEY SMELL LIKE.
HUGH LAURIE?
FRESH-CUT GRASS.
BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO
FLIP THE SCRIPT AND HAVE SOME OF
MY CELEBRITY FRIENDS OVER TO
INTERVIEW ME FOR A CHANGE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
EVEN IN A SHOW THAT I
PRERECORDED SO THAT I WOULDN'T
HAVE TO HOST A SHOW, I'M STILL
NOT HOSTING THAT SHOW.
SO, SIT BACK AND RELAX.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING
RIGHT NOW.
I THINK IN THE CARIBBEAN.
>> IT'S THE LATE SHOW WITH
STEPHEN COLBERT, STEPHEN COLBERT
EDITION.
TONIGHT, STEPHEN IS IN THE HOT
SEAT, HOSTED BY JON STEWART.
PLUS NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.
KERRY WASHINGTON.
JAKE TAPPER.
AND CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> HOW ARE YOU?
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
>> WELCOME!
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
HAVE A SEAT!
HAVE A SEAT!
HOW ARE YOU?
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELCOME.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, JON STEWART.
I HAVEN'T SAID THAT IN A WHILE.
WE'RE GOING TO GET RIGHT TO IT.
OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS THE
HOST OF "THE LATE SHOW" ON CBS.
FOR NOW.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
HE HAS WON MULTIPLE EMMY AND
PEABODY AWARDS, AN AWARD FOR
MOST OBEDIENT SUNDAY SCHOOL
STUDENT, AND HE GOT HIS START ON
AN OBSCURE CABLE NETWORK.
PLEASE WELCOME TO THE PROGRAM,
MR. STEPHEN COLBERT.
STEPHEN COLBERT!
WOW!
WOW!
♪ ♪ ♪
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT A TREAT!
WHAT AN HONOR.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> STEPHEN COLBERT, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN!
PLEASE, SIT.
♪ ♪ ♪
 ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN COLBERT, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> WOOO!
>> WOW.
I BELIEVE THAT'S YOUR WATER.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH.
>> YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE THE
YOU.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU AS WELL.
OBVIOUSLY, I HAVEN'T DONE THIS
IN A WHILE SO I'M JUST GOING TO
START WITH WHAT'S ON THE CARD.
>> Stephen: I'M STRANGELY
NERVOUS.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> OKAY.
WHO THE (BLEEP) DO YOU THINK YOU
ARE?
 (  LAUGHTER  )
 ( APPLAUSE )
 ( CHEERS )
THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY ON THE CARD.
THAT WAS --
>> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT-- A
LITTLE BIT LIKE JON STEWART.
I THINK I'M A LITTLE BIT LIKE
JON STEWART.
>> LOOK HOW HALES AND HEARTY YOU
LOOK, COMING IN HERE EVERY
NIGHT, TAKING IN THE TOXINS AND
SPEWING BACK OUT RAINBOW-COLORED
SPRINKLES.
THAT'S YOUR JOB, AND YOU DO IT
BEAUTIFULLY.
>> Stephen: IT AIN'T
SPRINKLES.
>> IT'S SPRINKLES, BABY.
>> Stephen: BY THE WAY, THANK
YOU FOR DRESSING UP.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU FOR TAKING THIS
SERIOUSLY.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
>> I DON'T HAVE MUCH SPAILS DOWN
HERE.
AND I DON'T HAVE AN EXTENSIVE
WARDROBE.
I JUST WEAR WHAT THE LEFT THE
SHOW IN THREE YEARS AGO.
 ( LAUGHTER )
AND I CONTINUE --
>> Stephen: I HAVEN'T-- I HAVE
ONLY BEEN INTERVIEWED ONCE
BEFORE BY YOU IN MY LIFE.
AND LAST TIME I WAS AL SHARPTON.
>> THAT IS CORRECT.
THE LAST TIME I INTERVIEWED AL
SHARPT OFNS GOING TO BE ON "THE
DAILY SHOW," AND AT THE LAST
MINUTE, HE DECIDED HE DIDN'T
FEEL LIKE IT.
I DON'T EVEN-- I DON'T EVEN
THINK IT WAS, "I'M NOT FEELING
WELL."
I THINK IT WAS MORE, "I'M NOT
COMING."
AND YOU STEPPED IN, AND I
INTERVIEWED YOU WITH THE AL
SHARPTON QUESTIONS.
>> Stephen: I JUST ANSWERED
ALL THE AL SHARPTON QUESTIONS.
THE PART YOU FORGET ABOUT IS I
HAD A TICKET IN MY HAND, AND I
WAS WALK OUT OF "THE DAILY
SHOW," BECAUSE TWO WEEKS BEFORE
IT WAS RELEASED WORLDWIDE I HAD
A TICKET TO A PRESCENING OF "THE
FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING."
AND I PUT MY HAND ON THE DOOR TO
LEAVE "THE DAILY SHOW."
AND I HEARD, "STEPHEN COLBERT,
COME TO THE STUDIO.
STEPHEN COME TO THE STUDIO."
AND I SAID (BLEEP)!
AND YOU SAID, "YOU'RE AL
SHARPTON?
I SAID, "GOT IT."
THAT WAS LITERALLY THE ENTIRE
CONVERSATION.
>> AND THEN IT JUST RAN.
AND IT WAS SO BRILLIANT THAT AL
SHARPTON'S ACTION NETWORK
ACTUALLY THEN ASKED STEPHEN TO
TAKE OVER.
 ( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> WHICH I WAS --
>> Stephen: AND HERE I AM.
>> I WAS SHOCKED ABOUT.
VERY FEW PEOPLE KNOW, STEPHEN IS
ON TELEVISION AND HE SHARES WITH
YOU EVERY NIGHT HIS THOUGHTS AND
HIS FEELINGS AND DREAMS ABOUT
THIS COUNTRY AND HIS HOPES FOR
THE FUTURE OF IT.
BUT WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW IS WHAT
A DWOAPTED AND LOVELY FAMILY MAN
STEPHEN COLBERT IS.
AND I WANTED TO ASK YOU ABOUT
THAT.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> WHICH CHILD DO YOU LOVE THE
MOST?
 (  LAUGHTER  )
BECAUSE I THINK IT'S
INTERESTING-- BECAUSE I KNOW WHO
I THINK IT IS.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> BUT I'D LOVE TO HEAR WHO YOU
THINK.
>> Stephen: PROBABLY NATE.
>> THAT'S MY CHILD!
 (  LAUGHTER  )
 ( APPLAUSE )
UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU GOT OUT OF THAT.
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION ABOUT
DONALD TRUMP, IF I MAY.
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
>> DONALD TRUMP, GREAT PRESIDENT
OR GREATEST PRESIDENT?
WHAT WOULD-- WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
 (  LAUGHTER  ).
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
I THINK GREAT, GREAT PRESIDENT.
THERE'S NOTHING ELSE OTHER THAN
GREAT OR GREATEST?
>> JUST GREAT OR GREATEST.
I GOT THAT QUESTION OFF OF AN
OLD-- THERE WAS A SHOW THAT USED
TO COME ON AFTER MINEUE WOULD
HAVE LOVED IT.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
THAT.
>> IT WAS HOSTED BY THIS
HIGH-STATUS CONSERVATIVE IDIOT.
>> Stephen: LAST NIGHT I GO
OUT TO DINNER, LAST NIGHT I GO
OUT TO DINNER WITH MY WIFE AND
MY DAUGHTER, AND AS WE'RE
LEAVING THIS RESTAURANT, PEOPLE
WERE VERY NICE.
THEY SAY, "I REALLY LIKE THE
SHOW.
I REALLY LIKE THE SHOW."
THANKS VERY MUCH.
I'M TRYING TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY
DAUGHTER, SHE'S GOING BACK OFF
TO-- SHE WORKS OUT OF TOWN.
SHE'S ABOUT TO LEAVE.
THIS GUY COMES UP AND SAYS, "I
REALLY LIKE THE SHOW."
I SAID, "THANK YOU VERY MUCH."
HE SAID, "I LIKED THE OLD SHOW
MORE, BUT STILL...
>> I LIKE YOUR OLD WORK A LITTLE
BIT BETTER.
THAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.
>> Stephen: DO YOU GET THAT?
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE NEW WORK YET?
>> NO, I DON'T WORK.
GIDOOR TO DOOR DELIVER AGO.
>> Stephen: OH, REALLY?
>> I GO DOOR TO DOOR DELIVERING
SATIRICAL NEWS.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE CANVASSING.
>> I JUST RING A DOORBELL-- I
DON'T THINK DONALD TRUMP LIKES
THE JOB OF PRESIDENT.
BUT HE LIKES THE TRAPPINGS OF
POWER.
I DON'T THINK HE LIEWKS THE,
LIKE, WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME
ABOUT ENERGY POLICY?
JUST GET THE SHOT OF ME GOING ON
TO THE HELICOPTER.
LOOKING LIKE --
>> Stephen: WHY ARE YOU ASKING
ME ANY QUESTIONS, YOU KNOW?
WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME TWO
QUESTIONS?
ONE QUESTION'S OKAY.
TWO QUESTIONS, THEN YOU MIGHT
MENTION THEY JUST LIED TO YOU.
 ( LAUGHTER ).
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> WHEN YOU MET HIM, BEFORE HE
WAS PRESIDENT, AND HE WAS ON THE
SHOW-- HAD YOU MET HIM BEFORE?
>> Stephen: I HAD.
I HAD MET DONALD TRUMP BACKSTAGE
AT FALLON.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS "LATE
NIGHT" OR WHETHER IT WAS "THE
TONIGHT SHOW."
I WENT OVER THERE --
-->> WAS HE RUNNING FOR PRESIDEN
AT THE TIME.
>> Stephen: NO, HE WAS JUST A
GUY.
>> MET HIM OUTSIDE OF THAT, DID
THE BLUSTER SEEM CHARMING IN A
SORT OF "MUSIC MAN" KIND OF WAY?
>> Stephen: HE WASN'T
BLUSTERING AT ALL.
"HEY, NICE TO MEET YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE SHOW."
>> HE'S GOT THAT GEAR?
>> Stephen: HE'S GOT THAT GEAR
OF JUST SOME GUY YOU WOULD SEE
SOME PLACE, JUST LIKE A GUY.
AND HE WAS LIKE, "LET'S TAKE A
PICTURE."
HE WAS ALL READY TO TAKE A
PICTURE.
AND ORANGE LIKE YOU COULDN'T
BELIEVE.
LIKE, IN PERSON-- YOU'VE MET
HIM.
YOU'VE MET HIM.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU FAMOUSLY YOU
GAVE HIM-- A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE
NICK NAMES FOR DONALD TRUMP, BUT
YOU HAVE THE GREATEST NICKNAME
OF ALL TIME.
WOULD YOU CARE TO SHARE IT WITH
THE AUDIENCE?
>> I REFER TO HIM AS (BLEEP) VON
CLOWN STICK.
I'LL SAY THIS-- AFFECTIONATELY.
 ( LAUGHTER )
ALWAYS AFFECTIONATELY.
>> Stephen: I KNOW I'LL BEING
INTERVIEWED RIGHT NOW.
>> YYOU ARE.
>> Stephen: CAN I ASK YOU, DO
YOU MISAT ALL HAVING A SHOW THAT
DEALS WITH THESE KINDS OF JOKES
NOW THAT HE'S PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES?
LIKE, THAT WOULD BE NICE TO TAKE
A COUPLE OF SWIPES HERE AND
THERE?
NO?
>> YOU AND I BOTH FAMOUSLY KNOW,
WE WERE TURD MINERS.
WE TOILD IN THE TURD MINES.
>> Stephen: WE GREW UP INAP
LECHE.
POOR APLATCHIAN TURD MINERS.
MY FAMILY, BACK IN THE OLD
COUNTRY-- TURD MINING WAS A STEP
UP FOR THEM.
>> WE BOTH LOST MANY PEOPLE
CLOSE TO US TO TURD LUNG.
IT'S BEEN A-- IT'S BEEN A
TERRIBLE THING.
 ( LAUGHTER )
SO WORKING AT "THE DAILY SHOW" I
FELT AS THOUGH I WAS TOILING IN
THE TURD MINES.
AND THEN I FINALLY QUIT, AND A
GIANT TURD ASTEROID...
 (  LAUGHTER  )
HEADS TOWARDS THE PLANET.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, IN THAT INSTANCE, IF
SOMEONE SAID, "YOU WERE A TURD
MINER.
THIS IS THE LARGEST TURD DEPOSIT
EVER SEEN.
DON'T YOU WISH YOU WERE IN
THERE?"
AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "I'M OUT
OF THE TURD BUSINESS."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
"I'M OUT."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> Stephen: COME ON IN, JON.
THE TURD'S FINE.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
 ( APPLAUSE )
>> WE HAVE TO GO TO A
COMMERCIAL, BUT STICK AROUND.
WHEN WE COME BACK, MORE STEPHEN
COLBERT!
 ( APPLAUSE )
