We didn't have certain things in SSC (State
Board Schools). I'll be honest we didn't have
certain things... The best English in the
entire English textbook was the pledge.
We didn't have physics, chemistry and biology
we had Science 1 and Science 2.
Budget cuts.
What was weird though is that we didn't have
any Sex Ed. I think none of us had it. Anyone
here who had Sex Education?
(Crowd:Yes!)
Wow!
How?
You know the only Sex Ed we got in school
was Prasad Sir saying "To avoid Herpes, use
Cundome".
That is it. We didn't know what
Herpes was.
We didn't know what Cundome was.
I still don't know what Cundome is...
Which is why I have Herpes.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I don't have Herpes...
Doctor ne bola wapas nahi aata hai.
All we know is that Herpes
me Phodi hota hai, okay?   Now this
is 8th Standard so everytime someone has a
pimple you're like "A tereko herpes ho gaya!
Tu mar jayega!
You should have used Cundome.
Pratik, I will miss you."
And that's the boys.
Girls, all the Sex Ed girls in my school got
was,
"Don't talk to boys you'll get pregnant!".
That's it! "Woh akkhion se goli maare kya
hota hai beta?"
"Sperum nikle sperum!"
"Koi shaadi nai karega tumse."
*Random Words*
*Rebooting...*
We  had this chapter called Reproduction, you remember Reproduction?
Reproduction was a
confusing ass chapter because pehle to usme
plants ka dikhate hain.
Grafting kya hai?
Kaun hai? Kidhar dalu isko?
Pointless.
Then they have those diagrams.
Ya'll remember those diagrams.
Male and female genitalia.
The female genitalia, cross section,
looks like the Venus Fly Trap.
Matlab ye toh katega.
You look at the male genitalia and you're like,
"Yeh toh mera hai hi nahi!"
Weird, contorted.
Kiska hai aisa? Kya hai?
And the lack of sex education was
fulfilled by pornography which is the worst
thing that can happen because porn gives you massive misconceptions.
When you're a 13 year old boy and you watch porn for the first time,
your reaction is not "Wow!".
Your reaction is "Mera kitna chota hai!
Mere saath koi kuch
nahi karega!"
Because have you seen those?
Gigantic!
Gargantuan!
Kaunse ghode ko mara
tumne?
Yeh lund nahi yeh pitch hai! Ispe cricket khelo
Sar ke aage 4. Jhaante me aatka out.
It makes sense!
Some girls... I know because my friends went to better schools. Some girls had classes.
How many of you had those special classes?
Right? Terrible thing to do girls.
In my school they used to
give sanitary napkins after those classes.
Worst thing to do to
girls because now, 13 year old girls have
to explain sanitary napkins to 13 year old
boys saying,
"Kya hai dikha dikha (x infinity)."
"Soft hai"
13 year old boys are the worst thing humanity has to offer after
like genocide and Bappi Lahiri. Okay?
I'll tell you why 13 year old boys are the worst thing okay?
You know our favourite activity when we were in school? It was this thing called
Tappa!
Some of you remember. Those of you who don't, don't worry.
Tappa is...
Let's call it a game.
Where boys
hit each other
in the dick.
Tappa!
There's no score.
Nobody wins.
Humanity loses.
Aur kuch bhi marneka andha dhuni, compass box!!
Jutey!
Once I saw a guy hit another guy in the balls with
a cricket ball,
catch it on the rebound and say,
"One Tappa Out!".
You know what really annoys me about the whole sex education thing is that
men never learn.
Have you noticed ? Men never learn.
Like for us, Periods are like, "Hehehe!"
Aap aapka karo.
Aur Mandir mat jana!"
I bet half the men in
this room still think that a pad is used to
absorb blue liquids.
I can see ya'll going "Obviously aur kya hota hai?"
I bet half the men in this room still think that when a girl has a period
she goes to the bathroom, removes a test tube and does *this*
Then wears white pants and goes rock climbing.
Because if you watch sanitary napkin ads,
jaise hi aurat ka period aaya
USKO PAHAD MANGTA HAI!
MEREKO PAHAD DIKHAO!
JALDI!
MERE PAAS 5 HI DIN HAI!
