

### Natalie Corbett Sampson

Clubhouse Press

Game Plan

Copyright (C) 2013 by Natalie Corbett Sampson

All rights reserved

First edition, Fierce Ink Press, 2013

Second edition, Clubhouse Press, 2016

This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, locales, and incidents are products of the author's imagination and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Edited by Whitney Moran

Cover design and Title font by Matt Reid

Ebook formatting by Dog-ear Book Design

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

www.NatalieCorbettSampson.com
An eternal thank you to the Mama who shares my girl, for giving her a shot and giving us the piece that completes our family.

xie xie

# Contents

Prologue

September

October

November

December

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

Epilogue

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Ella wasn't a reader. Novels often left the reader with unanswered questions, and she had enough uncertainty in real life. She sometimes enjoyed a book if it was a fast-paced, easy read, but she preferred flipping through her playbook. She had meticulously saved every handout, with the squiggles and arrows, X's and O's, and filed them away in a one-inch blue binder. In her playbook, where to start and where to end up was clearly laid out in black and white. Each play included contingencies for the unknowns. Real life didn't work that way. Big events that defined her overlapped and collided with the smaller occasions in her life. She tried to identify events that might specify who she was, where she was going, where she would end up. She wished starting points were indicated with an arrow, like a street sign or a play-squiggle; something that would point her the right way. It would be easier to recognize the beginning of a play. But beginnings are easier to find in hindsight. Looking back, it was clear that hers started one warm day in September that seemed just like any other.

#  SEPTEMBER

**Ella was late. Again.** She cursed her night owl tendencies— _How do I forget how hard it is to get up when I stay up watching Jimmy Fallon?_ —and vowed to go to bed earlier. Sighing, she tossed her math text carelessly in her book bag and her court shoes into her gym bag. _Great day to forget those_ , she thought. _I'd be screwed if I missed the first tryout._ She was determined to make the starting lineup. She brushed her long hair and drew an elastic twice around the high pony, folding her hair only halfway to keep the heavy length off her neck. With a quick glance in the mirror—clean jeans, T-shirt (only slightly wrinkled)—she zipped up her hoodie and assessed herself aloud. "Good enough." She shouldered her backpack, grabbed her gym bag and bounded down the stairs to the kitchen.

"Watch it, dork," grumped her brother Ben when she brushed past him. He stood at the fridge staring at its contents with glossy eyes, one hand propping the door open and the other braced against the top. He wasn't a morning person either, his ever present backwards Jays hat covered a mop of bedhead. He ignored her growled "Look out," so she ducked under his arm, between him and the food, and grabbed her bagged lunch and a can of Diet Coke. The fridge door swung shut as she pushed him back out of the way. Banana it is, she thought as she snatched two from the fruit bowl on the counter and handed one to him.

"No time for breakfast," she told Ben. She didn't wait as he picked up his book bag and followed her out the door, racing to catch the bus. The September sun was still low in the sky, shining off the dewy leaves on either side of the gravel driveway. The air smelled of rain and worms but the sky was clear. Ben's footfalls kicked up gravel as he caught up and matched her hurried gait. They reached the end of the driveway just as the bus rounded the corner and shuddered to a stop in front of them. When the doors opened, the voices of students stumbled over one another. The bus was always loud. The driver glared at them from under his worn cap as they climbed the steps, but they'd long since grown immune to his impatient stares. Ella followed Ben down the aisle through the ruckus and fell into the seat in front of him, while he landed beside Charlie.

Sliding down further in her seat, knees propped against the back of the bench in front of her, Ella fiddled with the earbuds in her old iPod until the static cleared. She didn't really mind the ride; forty minutes was just enough time to get ready for the day. She had known most of the kids since elementary school and on the bus they were together without expectations: no teachers, no chores, no listening parents. She watched out the window, letting her mind wander until she felt a hard jab on her left shoulder. She yanked her earbud out and turned to glare at the boys behind her. "What?"

"He was under the tag. Right, Ella? Did you see it?" Charlie stared at her with his dark eyes narrowed, waiting for her to answer. It took her a moment to realize they were arguing about the baseball game from the night before. Ben and Ella had fallen into their father's love of the Blue Jays to be loyal to him and to their Canadian roots. Charlie's team was the Red Sox from nearby Boston. It didn't matter that Boston consistently fielded a winning team while the Jays lost season after season. Ella remained steadfastly loyal to her favourite underdogs.

"Yeah, saw it... He was out. The ump blew it. And without that run, we'd have beaten you in the ninth. That was the difference in the game, right there." Charlie rolled his eyes as she punctuated with, "Stupid ump."

"Face it, Lassie, you just can't handle them losing—though you should be used to it by now." Ella narrowed her eyes at him and turned back to slouch in her seat. Charlie knew Ella hated being called "Lassie." Her ninth-grade math teacher had called the class "Lads and lassies," sneering at them over his fingerprint-smeared glasses. She made the mistake of complaining about him to Ben and Charlie once. They'd laughed and teased in fake Scottish accents, "Pass me that pen, Lassie" "Lassie, Mom's calling you." Since then, whenever Charlie needed to get under her skin, he would slip that moniker into a sentence. She would glare at him then shut him out, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of her frustration. It never seemed to deter him.

"Aw, c'mon, Ells, it's okay ... they're in a rebuilding year." Ella raised her hand and flipped him the bird. Hearing the boys laugh, she smiled to herself and fiddled with the earphone jack to reduce the static again.

Ben met Charlie their first year of school and they had been friends ever since. Ella spent much of her last year in preschool trying to win back her brother's attention whenever Charlie came over. For some reason the boys tolerated her while they played. It helped that she was never a girlie girl, preferring to climb trees and run through the woods out back.

Then for a few years she realized it was not cool to be friends with 'a boy,' so she let her friends believe she thought Charlie was gross like all the other boys. At home she would still play video games or ball with them but at school she avoided him. Her friend Karen thought it was hilarious. Once in third grade Karen led the whole bus in an out-of-tune rendition of "Charlie and Ella, sitting in a tree..." until the bus driver hollered over the noise at them to sit down and be quiet. It was the one time Ella was glad for his impatience. At their stop Ella raced off the bus, tears stinging her eyes and threatening to betray her cool indifference. She never talked to Ben or Charlie about it. The next morning as Ella climbed the steps onto the bus she kept her head down, feeling eyes on her and wishing she could be invisible. Without looking at anyone's face, she slipped into the front seat. Ben and Charlie got off first and stopped to wait for her, but when she stepped onto the pavement she met each of their gazes briefly with a hard stare, put her head down and walked right past them. Charlie didn't talk to her again in school that year. Even years later, on that sunny morning in September, she felt a pang of guilt for the way she had treated him. But that was then. Ella shoved the memory out of her mind as the bus bounced over the potholes in the school driveway and came to a hard stop.

Stepping off the bus, they headed towards the school. Ben gave Ella a gentle shove as he ran past, calling, "Later, sucker!" She watched the boys disappear through the front doors.

"Ella!" Her name floated from somewhere in the parking lot. She turned to see Karen waving as she moved between the parked cars. "Ells, wait up!" She stopped and waited, pushing a loose strand of hair out of her face. She straightened her shirt. Karen strode past and swept Ella into her gait. Her sleek hair was pulled neatly up in a couple of clips. Long and blonde, it caught in the sunlight and glowed around her face like an aura. Her tank top was tight and black and barely met the low-rise jeans that hung at her hips. Her knee-high boots clicked on the linoleum floor when they entered the school, announcing her imminent arrival. Although Karen was her friend, Ella sometimes felt like a child beside her. Karen had poise, an attitude of confidence and self-assurance that Ella envied, not to mention hair that did what it was told instead of frizzing wildly between curly and straight. As the girls traveled the hall, students turned to greet Karen, who continued her monologue, speckled with comments thrown to the side, "... so I told him if that's what he wanted, I'd go too—hey, Melissa! Nice boots!—but I didn't really want to. He should've known. I mean, really, right? Val! Get my text last night? I mean, what was he was thinking..." Karen's ridiculously loud laugh ricocheted off the locker-lined walls. At their side-by-side lockers, Ella fiddled out her combination while Karen lamented, "Why can't boys just grow up a little?"

Realizing she had lost track of Karen's complaint, Ella gave a noncommittal shrug and asked "Are you sure you're not going to try out for the team tonight?"

"Too much to do. Between homework and that stupid job, I won't have time to see Jake if I play ball. Besides," she managed to pout through her grin, "he said he'd miss me too much."

"But the season is only 'til Christmas, it's not like it's forever. Did he actually ask you not to play?"

"No, 'course not. I wouldn't listen to him anyway ... but when I mentioned it, he seemed kinda bummed. It's not like I'm the star of the team, either. Don't worry, I can cheer you on from the stands just as good as I would from the bench." As Karen spoke she walked backwards down the hall. "Good luck tonight. I'll text you later to see how it went." Ella waved and turned towards her homeroom.

Between final bell and the start of practice, the rush of students moving en masse from classrooms to lockers to buses was chaotic. Ella dumped her books in her locker, shouldered her gym bag and maneuvered through the fluid maze of people to the girls' locker room. The door swung shut behind her, muffling the noise from the hallway. Several girls were already in various states of changing and she easily spotted Alex by her red hair, in the far corner tying her court shoes.

"No Karen?" Ella shook her head. "Told ya. Well, we tried. Not much we can do if that's what she wants."

"I know, I just hope she doesn't regret it later." Ella nodded towards the other corner of the locker room at a younger student tying her shoes for the second time. "I'm glad that's not me. I was so nervous last year I felt like throwing up, though I'm not feeling much better right now."

"Me too," Alex agreed. "At least you know you'll make it ... I don't."

Ella rolled her eyes. "Shut up, Alex. Don't be dumb."

"No, really! What if there's some superstar first-year here today? I don't think I'm on for sure."

"'Course you are, Coach knows how you play." Alex finally smiled. "C'mon, let's go. I've got to burn off some of these nerves."

A push of the gym door released the reverberation of basketballs hitting the floor and walls and making poor, heavy shots. Ella took a deep breath, held it for a minute, then puffed up her cheeks and let it go in a slow, audible blow. The gym was loud and reeked of wood and sweat. It sounded and smelled like basketball. The boys and girls were mixed throughout the court, taking shots at baskets or huddled together in groups stretching, chatting or watching the activity around them with flitting glances. Ella spotted Charlie and Ben shooting with a few friends across the gym and tried to catch their attention, but they were engrossed in a rough two-on-two match. An errant ball rolled towards her and she picked it up, pushing it to the floor and gently slowing its return with her hand. She had missed this: being on the court, feeling the hard, rough ball press up against her fingertips. She felt the echo of its bounce move through her shoes, up her legs and into her lungs. She took a few strides forward, pounding the ball along with her, and shot at the closest basket. The ball bounced off the front of the rim and spun wildly away from her. "Shit," she whispered, making a face.

"Parker! Watch that shot!" Coach yelled from the sidelines. Ella grinned. It was good to be back.

**Out of breath and** wobbly-legged after practice, Ella shuffled into the locker room behind Alex. "That was tough. I should've run more this summer."

"Tough?" Alex groaned. "At least you got some in. I couldn't shoot to save my life!"

Crashing down on the bench, Ella sighed and leaned forward to untie her shoes. "I think everyone was a little off. Coach didn't look too thrilled." Dropping her voice she added, "I hope the team looks better than we did today. "I swear half of them only come out because the guys warm up with us." Around the room several of the new girls were whispering and giggling in twos and threes. Alex rolled her eyes. "I mean, really."

Ella followed Alex's line of sight and smothered a laugh. "It's not like there's anything out there worth watching." Her wet, warm feet felt much better released from her restrictive socks as she slipped on her flip-flops.

Alex turned a shade brighter and muttered under her breath "Well there's ... a couple guys..."

She means, "There's one," Ella thought, slipping on her hoodie and pulling it down at the waist. She wasn't sure Alex even knew the vibes she cast when it came to Ben. Ella knew her brother wasn't interested in the least, though she didn't know why. He once said he "wasn't into redheads," but Ella thought he was just making excuses. When Alex came over, Ben would hide in his room. Alex didn't seem to notice, but Ella did, and she felt embarrassed for her friend. Stuck in the middle, she didn't know how to tell Alex—or if it was even her place to do so.

"Hey, where'd you go? What's up?" Alex asked.

Ella smiled and shook her head. "Nothing. But shit, look at the time. I gotta go. Mom's picking us up." She looked back to make sure she had all her gear. "Text me!" she yelled as she hurried out of the room and down the hall to her locker where Charlie and Ben stood, looking impatient.

"Hey Lassie, what took you so long?" Charlie asked as she drew closer. Ignoring him beyond a quick glare, she crammed her gym bag in the locker, tossed her court shoes down with a hollow bang and stared at her pile of textbooks.

"C'mon, Ella," Ben said.

"Shut up, will you? I'm trying to think. What books do I need tonight?"

"Look out, Benny, she's thinking." The boys snickered and slowly sauntered down the hall towards the front exit, squeaking their sneakers as they went. Math, English, no history tonight, she counted as she added books to her bag. Then she slammed the door shut, replaced the lock and hurried after them.

They were passing the girls' locker room as Alex burst out. "Hey, look out!" Ben said as he stooped to pick up the math text he'd dropped. Walking behind them, Ella wondered if her face was reddening as she felt Alex's embarrassment. Alex diverted her eyes and mumbled an apology. At least he's decent enough not to relish her embarrassment. Alex tossed a sheepish smile at Ella then escaped down the hall.

Stepping out of the school, Ella could see their mother parked at the end of the lane moving her head to music they couldn't hear. "Told ya she'd be waiting," her brother chided as they picked up their pace towards the car.

From behind them someone yelled, "PARKER!" They all turned to see Sam loping towards them. He was tall and slender, built in the arms and shoulders. He wore his blond hair longer than most guys, with wide, bouncing curls that fell below the nape of his neck. Girls swooned over him. He turned heads in the cafeteria and down the halls. He was outgoing and friendly, and rumour had it he would be named captain of the basketball team. He made Ella feel off balance.

He closed the last few yards between them and cruised to a stop. "Hey." He held a grey Roots sweatshirt at arm's length towards Ben. "This yours?"

Ben looked surprised, then relieved. "Yeah, thanks!" He took the sweater, balled it up and stuffed it in his bag. Ella glanced over at her mother's waiting car then looked at her feet. Her palms were clammy. Gross, Ella, get a life.

"Hey, good practice today." Sam's smile was audible in his voice. When neither Ben nor Charlie replied, she looked up and saw the three of them watching her.

"Oh," she responded. "Um, I guess."

"Running that zone drill, you weren't half bad..." Ella felt heat rising in her cheeks. The silence of the moment was full but her mind was empty and she had no idea what to say. "Well, for a girl that is, right guys?" Sam slapped Charlie on the chest with the back of his hand as he snickered at his own joke. She looked up and caught Charlie studying her.

"Um, thanks..." She regretted her choice of words as soon as they escaped. Where is Karen with her witty retorts when I need one? Risking a look, Ella saw Sam's steady gaze was still on her. His laugh had settled into a soft, friendly smile. Shifting her weight between her feet, she looked from Charlie to her brother for a rescue. A car horn beeped twice and she looked back to see her mother frowning and gesturing from the driver's seat.

"I'll see you round," said Sam. Taking a step backwards, he turned on his heel and ambled towards the parking lot. For the briefest moment, Ella stood watching him go and then caught up with Charlie and Ben as they hurried towards the car.

"For a girl?" Ben repeated. "If I'd said that..."

"Yeah, what's wrong with you, Lassie?"

"Whatever. Not worth my time." Ella prayed they couldn't see the redness she felt burning in her cheeks or hear the pounding in her ears. She climbed into the front, giving her mother a smile, while the boys scrambled in back. "Sorry to keep you waiting, Mom."

Her mother acknowledged the apology with a nod. "How was practice?"

"Alright," Ella muttered, looking out the window.

The boys laughed as they recounted stories of the first-year students who scored on the wrong net during the scrimmage or tripped over the ball during a weave. Ella turned in her seat to watch them emphasize their stories with their hands and arms, laughing at their antics. She shut out thoughts of Sam Cleveland and the almost-conversation they'd had, worried they would project on her face and give her away.

Twenty minutes later, after dropping Charlie at his house, Ella's mother slowed and maneuvered the car between the two spruce trees at the end of their long driveway. Ben hopped out of the back seat, but before Ella could follow her mother stopped her with a cool hand on her arm. "Who were you talking to?"

Ella resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Sam Cleveland, he plays on the boys' team."

"Ah," her mother said, still holding her gaze, eyebrows raised and lips curled. "He's cute." Ella gave in and rolled her eyes, forced a smile back and opened the car door.

Once inside she climbed the stairs to her room, tossed her bag on the bed and flopped down beside it. Propping up her head with her hands she looked, unseeing, up to the ceiling. "Stop being so stupid," she chastised herself aloud. "He wasn't even being nice." But that smile, her mind argued. She groaned, knuckled her eyes with her fists and reached into her bag for her phone. Four texts. The first one was from Karen: HEY GRL. HOWD IT GO? J MADE IT UP 2 ME ;)

Ella rolled her eyes. Lately Karen was always insinuating what she was doing with Jake. Even though she couldn't tell how much was true and how much was exaggeration, Ella wasn't interested in the details of Karen's sex life. She'd had changed since she started dating Jake. I'm just jealous. Ella fiddled with the floppy ears of the small stuffed dog that had lived on her bed since she was small. Its fur was matted and flattened from wear but was still soft. Well, what high school girl wouldn't want to be swept off her feet and romanced by a popular senior? But for Ella it was easier to be "one of the guys." She could banter about sports or trade sarcastic quips, but as soon as conversation turned serious or personal she ran out of things to say. She didn't know how to flirt or even how to tell if someone was flirting with her. Fack, you're such a loser. She shook her thoughts from her head and took her math book out of her bag, hoping to distract herself with homework.

❊❊❊

**Standing in the middle** of the dinner mess in their kitchen, Katherine could see the answer in Danny's face. One by one, the muscles around his eyes and mouth fell. He caught her eyes and lifted his shoulder in a minute shrug as his jaw set. "Yes, I see, we'll be in touch," he said into the phone in a low voice, holding her gaze. His face started to blur as tears filled Katherine's eyes. She tried to keep them in, push the disappointment back down, but as Danny ended the call he offered a small, resigned smile that shattered her control and released her tears. She buckled, still locked in his eyes, and folded into the chair behind her.

In two strides, he was kneeling in front of her, his hands on hers folded at her chest. "Shh, shh, shh, Kat. Shh," he whispered. He pulled her close and stroked her hair as she buried her face in his neck. She took a deep breath but couldn't stop the tears. Her stomach turned and her ears pounded. She had hoped so hard. Prayed so hard. But this was it. It was over.

Later, they lay facing each other on top of their made bed. Katherine found some comfort in the furry warmth under her hand. The dog curled contently between them, breathing slowly with the deep rise and fall of his side. The night had fallen on the other side of the blinds, and the wind gusted, making an arrhythmic rustle in the wooden slats. The muted TV cast highlights and shadows on their faces and the walls. She clutched a ruined tissue in her other fist. Danny reached up and brushed a loose blonde ringlet off her face.

"We could try one more time." Her voice caught as she whispered. "We could take out a loan."

Danny smiled sadly. "C'mon, Kat, we agreed this would be the last time. I don't want to borrow any more money. We owe enough as it is. I think we're getting a pretty clear message that this is just not going to work."

"It could work. One more try might be enough." She hated the desperation in her own voice and felt guilty for trying to talk him out of their agreement. He only agreed to the latest "once more" because she wanted to so badly. And because she promised it would be the last, whatever happened. "I'm not ready to give up. I just ... I just ..." Her voice trailed off but she didn't cry. All of her tears were spent. Her eyes burned as she searched his face.

"There are other options, remember?" he began. She sighed and closed her eyes, trying to block out what she knew he was going to say. "We could adopt. There are lots of kids out there who could grow up to hate us as much as any kid we could make."

Katherine smiled in spite of herself and silently thanked God for the man who was her rock. "I don't know. I want our baby, yours and mine. Our own." With her eyes closed, she heard his quick intake in response.

"It would be our own, Kat. I know it," he whispered. She said nothing, but remained still and concentrated on breathing. She heard him sigh, felt his palm on her cheek. Her lips turned up to his touch as if by reflex, and she finally fell asleep.

**That Friday Katherine sat** with her tea and made a list of errands on her phone, hoping to cram the day full enough to push out the empty moments that might sneak up on her. She usually loved her days off, but that day she wished she had work to distract her. At least she could wear comfy sweats. Downing the last of her tea, she picked up her keys from the table by the door, slipped into her sandals and patted the dog gently on his head. "Sorry, Coop, no dogs allowed at the grocery store." He lifted his ears and cocked his head as her hand touched the doorknob. "No, Cooper. Stay." The dog's tail and ears dropped. She pushed the door open and stepped into the crisp fall morning air.

She turned the ignition over and the country radio station up, relieved it was an upbeat tune. Music always soothed Katherine, no matter how broken she felt. With a shoulder check, she pulled onto the road and accelerated, shifted gears and turned the radio up another notch. She sang along as Brad Paisley coerced a girl into a walk in the woods. As he led into a guitar solo, Katherine's mind wandered to her own journey that had ended that week.

She and Danny had been married for seven years. University sweethearts, they'd married after graduating with their first degrees and moved together to Boston, where they could both finish professional degrees and start careers. She remembered worrying about becoming pregnant while in school—an unexpected baby would throw a wrench into their plans. Determined not to blow her academic chances, she was militant about their use of birth control. Years of fear-inducing health classes in high school had left her feeling that looking at Danny sideways under the wrong alignment of stars could leave them too-soon parents, and her a professional never-was.

In the car that September morning, she laughed bitterly at her lack of forewarning. She wondered if she would have had more fun had she had known the futility of her vigilance. She wondered if Danny thought so.

They had been so excited when they started trying to have a baby five years ago. They'd counted forward to the baby's first Christmas, planned their summer vacation around the practicalities of traveling pregnant, just in case. Month after month Katherine had searched her body for signs. Month after month she was met with disappointment, right on time. They tried everything. Doctor's visits and tests, diets and charting and timing and supplements gave way to drugs and medical procedures. They asked all the right questions, researched all the right places, followed instructions to the smallest detail, from top medical specialists to busybody acquaintances who tried to be helpful with "Pray harder!" or "Just relax and it'll happen." As much as she hated to admit it, Danny was right. They needed to stop. Enough was enough.

Brad Paisley started the final chorus and Katherine shook her head back to the moment, chiding herself for allowing her thoughts to wander. Years of practice had taught her one thing about failure: there was no value in wallowing. The faster she could push herself through the disappointment, the easier it would be to get on with everything else. Still, it surprised her that the world kept turning around her, oblivious to the deafening sound of her heart breaking into pieces. She pulled her shoulders back, sat up straight and blinked her eyes, setting her jaw in tight resolution. Slowing to turn into the grocery store parking lot, she ordered herself, "Right, then, Katherine. Let's get it done."

Katherine preferred to hit the grocery store on Friday mornings, when there was no crowd. The downside was that the other shoppers usually had reminders of her heartache in their carts or toddling beside them. Walking, smelling, babbling, crying, screaming—unavoidable reminders.

Katherine watched the bouncing raven-headed girl in line in front of her. She was about three years old with almond-shaped eyes and long, shiny, pin-straight hair. Her socks were two different colours. She sang as she flitted around her mother and Katherine smiled in spite of herself. Ahead of the mother, a woman started playing peek-a-boo with the toddler, hiding her face behind her Redbook, then pulling it away to reveal drooped, watery eyes, wrinkle-creased cheeks and a yellow-stained grin. She was oblivious to the child's unease as the toddler stopped prancing and hid behind her mother's legs.

"Beautiful girl," the lady said. "When did you adopt her?"

The mother seemed to push her lips into a wary smile. "Earlier this year."

"Is she a good girl?" she asked.

"Yup, she's pretty perfect."

"Well, they can't be perfect, dear. Remember they all have their moments." The lady looked from the mother to the child and back again. "It's so good of you to save her. God knows what her life would have been like over there. Do you have any children of your own?"

Your own. Katherine cringed hearing those words trickle out of the woman and couldn't help but lean forward to hear the response. With a deep breath, the mother squared her shoulders and spoke in a steady voice. "She is my own and I'm very lucky. C'mon, Wen, I forgot those bagels Daddy wanted." She lifted the toddler up onto the cart handle and turned out of line. The child reached her arms up and around her mother's neck. The mom nuzzled her shoulder and whispered in her ear.

Katherine resisted the urge to pump her fist. She settled for a bright smile at the lady, who looked at her in bewilderment. Deep in the darkness that had settled, Katherine felt a prick of light. She took a deep breath, realizing it didn't hurt quite as much to breathe. Danny's words echoed in her mind—"It would be our own, Kat. I know it"—and she felt his certainty. Maybe it was time to start listening to him.

**Cooper raised his ears** moments before Katherine heard the crunch of tires on the gravel. She knew it was Danny. Cooper would bark at any other car but his. As the engine silenced, the thump of Cooper's tail on the wood floor quickened. He pushed himself up, slipping his arthritic legs on the floor, and loped over to the door. Katherine smiled as she watched him go then turned back to the pile of pamphlets on the table. Words jumped off the papers: _adoption, foster care, children, social worker_. Suddenly the timing was all wrong.

"Hey, Coop!" Katherine heard keys fall on the table beside the door. "Where's your momma?"

"Right here," Katherine called, hurriedly gathering the papers together. Cooper's nails clicked on the floor as he followed Danny from the door to the dining room table. She looked up at him as he drew near. She loved that after seven years of marriage her heart still sped up when she saw him in his suit and tie. "Hey," she said.

"Hey yourself." He grinned and planted a quick kiss on her forehead. He shifted his gaze from hers to the pile of pamphlets. "What's all this?"

"Oh nothing ... just some information I picked up today. We can talk about it later. What do you want for supper?"

Danny plucked one of the brochures out from under her hands, flipped it over and read the cover. She searched his face for a reaction. As he read, his eyebrows raised and his lips pulled into a silent oh. She could see him collect his emotions and rearrange his face. His eyes moved to hers. "What's this, Kat?"

"Well, I thought maybe it was worth looking into. I mean, it doesn't hurt to ask a few questions."

"You sure?"

"I'm not sure about anything, except that we want a baby and for whatever reason we can't seem to have one of our—to have one the old-fashioned way..." Her voice faded as she watched him. She could tell he was holding back, letting only a small smile escape around the corners of his mouth. He blinked and his eyes shone. "I think we should look into it," she added lamely.

"Kat, I—I don't want to talk you into anything." He laid the brochure on the table and stepped closer. He reached out and brushed her shoulder as if she were a mirage or a bubble that could dissipate with his touch. "It has to be what we both want, or it won't work."

"I know." Katherine's confidence returned with a little bit of excitement. "I'm not sure it is, but I am sure it's worth looking into, right? The worst that happens is we decide it's not for us. We'll read up on it, talk to some people and make a decision when we know more. Deal?"

Danny's face released a beaming smile that reached his eyes. He slipped his long fingers into her hair and framed her face with his palms resting on her jaw. She relaxed into his touch and smiled at him as he blinked wet eyes. "Deal," he whispered, and pressed a kiss to her lips. Her arms reached up around his back and he dropped his to hold her close. The prick of light in her darkness grew and she felt weight pull up from her shoulders. Deal.

❊❊❊

**Karen butted into the** lunch line behind Ella, smiling an insincere apology at the tenth-grade students behind her. "What's up?" Ella asked.

"Math sucks." Karen rolled her eyes and selected a yogurt from the display, placing it on her tray. "Got my test back."

"That good? Fries, please. No gravy," Ella said to the hair-netted lady behind the counter.

"Mom's gonna kill me. She's already pissed that I was late Friday night. Oh, by the way, that's your fault. You got lost driving home."

"What? You told her you were with me?" With a "Thanks" to the server Ella took her fries and placed them on her tray. She dug in her pocket and started counting coins.

"Well, it wasn't a total lie ... we went to the movie together. I just let her believe you drove me home too."

"Karen! She'll find out. We went to the early show!" In hindsight, Ella remembered Karen's tight jeans and barely-there top and realized how convenient it was that Jake had been at the restaurant Karen had chosen for dessert. Ella silently cursed her for using her as a cover. I should have known. Ella headed to a table where their friends were already busy eating, laughing and playing cards. "Deal me in, Alex," she said as she sat.

"What she doesn't know won't hurt her," Karen continued, sitting down. "It's not like she's going to call you and ask. She just doesn't get it. She thinks I see Jake too much and that I should spend more time with all of you. No offence, girls," she spoke to the table, "I love you and all, but there are just some things you don't do for me." With the last remark she winked at Alex, who groaned and threw a piece of broccoli at her before playing an ace.

"Gross!" said Alex. "Ells, are you going to the open gym after school?"

"Yeah, Mom has a meeting, so we have the car. We can only stay till five though, 'cause we have to go get her from work."

Alex's eyebrows rose. "So Ben's going too?" She blushed and hurried to add, "And Charlie?" Ella smiled and nodded without comment, laying down a card. She glanced over at the nearby table where her brother and his friends were eating. Charlie was demonstrating some foolish dance or basketball move to his laughing friends. She could hear his voice above the others. He's such an idiot, anything for a laugh. Ben caught her looking and winked at her. She smiled back. Maybe Alex wouldn't be so hung up on him if he were a jerk. At least then I could give a good reason why she shouldn't bother with him. Ella knew her relationship with her brother wasn't typical. Sure they fought, but not like their friends did with their siblings. He was only eleven months older, so they had a lot in common: friends, basketball, even a few classes. When she took the time to admit it, she felt pretty lucky to have him.

"Earth to Ella ... Earth to Ella," Karen chanted. Ella turned back and met Karen's laughing stare. It was a good thing the card game was so mindless. She wasn't paying attention at all. "What's up with Sam?" Karen asked.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Sam Cleveland. What's up?"

Ella shrugged and willed the blood to stay out of her cheeks. Alex was watching her closely and Karen rolled her eyes. "C'mon, Ella! Don't tell me that you haven't noticed him checking you out. Look!"

Ella glanced over her shoulder. Sure enough, surrounded by his boisterous friends, Sam was looking at her. When their eyes met, he waved. Ella forced a weak grin and turned back to glare at Karen, who gave a huge wave. "Stop it! Karen, seriously!"

"What? What's wrong with a little attention? He's only the hottest guy in school. And free, you know. He broke up with Lindsay."

"Really?" Alex asked. "What happened?"

"Dunno." Karen loaded her spoon with strawberry yogurt and cleaned it by pulling it through her painted lips. Her eyes narrowed and her voice lowered to a conspiratorial whisper. "Probably she wasn't all he wanted, you know, in bed?" Alex laughed and Ella rolled her eyes.

"I win!" Ella played the last card. "I've gotta go, I forgot my math book in my locker." She swiped up the remaining ketchup with her last fry and stood, collecting her garbage on her tray. She turned to her friends. "Wanna do a movie tonight? My place?"

"Yeah, sure." Alex smiled.

"Sure, if Mom doesn't find out about my test," Karen muttered with half a laugh. "I have to work until eight but I'll come after that."

"Good." Ella turned to Alex. "See ya at the gym!" After she dumped her garbage, Ella passed by Sam's table at just the right angle that she could glance his way without being obvious, but she was met by his steady gaze. She jumped and quickened her pace to push the cafeteria door open and escape into the hall.

" **Argh!" Charlie groaned and** rested his hands on his knees, breathing deeply. "That was _not_ right, Lassie, not right at all. I call foul."

"Oh whatever, Charlie, I didn't touch you. You shoot worth shit, that's all." Ella laughed and slapped Ben a high-five.

"Suck it up, Charlie, she got you on that one," Ben said, tossing Ella the ball at the top of the key. Ben breathed heavily and the shaggy hair that peeked out from under his backwards cap was wet with sweat. "Quit whining and play the game. It's ten to six for us, still game point."

Ella held the ball up over her head at the foul line. Alex stood between her and the net, but Ella could see easily over her head. Ben struggled to get open but Charlie shadowed his every move. Ella put the ball on the floor and stepped forward, guarding her dribble with her body. Alex blocked the middle so she stepped right and pushed against her. Alex swung a hopeful hand towards the ball, reaching into Ella's protected space. With Alex off balance, Ella spun on her heel, pulling the ball past Alex and bouncing it under Charlie's reaching hand to Ben. With a two-footed takeoff, Ben dunked the ball, hanging on the rim momentarily before dropping to the floor with a laugh.

"And that's game!" He clapped loudly and shoved Charlie on the shoulder. "We beat your ass ah-gain!"

"Good game." Ella reached out to Alex, trying to break her adoring gaze at Ben. Alex blinked and smiled back, slapping her hand.

"I'm done," Alex gasped. "I gotta quit."

"What?" Charlie said. "C'mon, we have fifteen minutes. You can't let them finish like that!"

"Yup, I can. I will. I am." Alex laughed, repositioning the band that held her hair out of her face. "Good game, guys. See you later." She retreated to the locker room.

"Well, damn," Charlie said. "The Parker luck has to run out sometime. At least I'm not afraid to play you." He shot at the basket and moved for the rebound.

"Me neither!" A voice came from across the gym. Ella turned to see Sam leaning in the doorway, his arms folded across his broad chest. He smiled, revealing a small dimple on his left cheek she hadn't noticed before. His gym clothes hung just right from his shoulders and hips. Ella's gut twisted. "Need a partner, Charlie Mac? I'll help you beat these guys." Ella forced a smile and looked from Sam to her brother and Charlie.

"Great!" Ben said. "Let's go, sis. Charlie hasn't been schooled enough yet."

Ella's heart was racing. She struggled to catch her breath, then shook her head. "Nah, I gotta get ready to go."

She took a step backwards towards the locker room. Sam had left his post at the doorway and sauntered towards the key. Ella glanced at him and he smiled again. Damn. She took another step back. "It's getting late." She looked at Charlie, hoping for support.

"We have time," Ben said. "Let's play a quick game—to five."

When Ella shook her head again Charlie laughed. "Some teammate you've got there, Benny. She knows round one was a fluke so she's scared of round two." She glared at him. Some friend.

"C'mon, Ella. I dare you," Sam said softly. She turned to look at him but he had moved closer so she had to look up. She took a half-step back. His eyes held hers and flashed with restrained laughter. "Here. Your ball." She looked away but her traitorous hands took the ball.

"Woo-hoo!" Ben called and took his place under the net.

Charlie stepped towards her but Sam said, "I got her." She glanced up at his face; his green eyes were trained on hers. Her stomach flipped and she studied the ball. "Let's go!"

Ella held the ball tightly, watching Charlie and Ben battle for position under the net. It was an even match, since they were the same size. (Ben's height advantage was only gained by his shaggy hair and backwards ball cap that inched past Charlie's buzz cut.) Sam stepped closer and bent in defence. Ella faked left and turned right but he blocked her. She felt his contact on her hip and in her stomach. She moved back and Sam lunged. In one smooth motion he stole the ball, turned and shot cleanly through the net. Charlie cheered and tossed the ball back up to him at the top of the key.

Five minutes later the game was 4–1 for Charlie and Sam. Ella had only dared to meet Ben's stare a couple of times and knew he was frustrated that she wasn't playing her game.

"C'mon, Ella! Let's go!" Ben shouted from under the net. She checked the ball and got into defensive position so she wouldn't have to look at him. She couldn't meet his eyes, or Charlie's. Certainly not Sam's. She wished she had escaped with Alex when she'd had the chance. Ella fixed her jaw and set her eyes on the ball as Sam bounced it back and forth between his hands. Don't be such a girl. Sam flashed a smile that set her resolution. Let's go, Ella. She clenched her jaw. Game on. Sam took a step forward. Instead of falling back, Ella moved up and met his advance. Hands wide, she avoided the distraction of the moving ball and feet and watched Sam's hips for a clue as to which way he was going to go. She kept her weight on her toes and concentrated on not letting him past. When he drove to the net, she didn't have time to register his move; she used motor memory to block him. Her feet planted with her body square, her arms flew up to make herself taller. Sam took one long stride and launched upwards, hitting her trunk squarely with his full weight. Then she was on the ground trying to breathe.

"Whoa," Sam said as he stumbled away. She gasped and tried to inhale. Charlie pulled her up.

"What the fuck?" Ben stepped towards Sam, meeting him nose to nose in two strides. Ella breathed out and in again.

Sam backed away with his hands up and looked over Ben's shoulder. "God! Sorry, Ella. You okay? Look, I didn't think she'd stand in like that. Really. Ella? You alright?" His eyes flitted back and forth between Ben and Ella.

"I'm good." Ella winced and held her arms out then bent her knees. "Look, nothing broken. No harm done." Sam's relief spilled out in a sigh and a smile but Ben held his stare. "Ben, stop it. It was an accident." Charlie touched Ben's arm, breaking the spell. Ben looked over his shoulder at her so she waved her arms again. "Look, I'm good."

"It's time to go anyway," Charlie said. "C'mon guys, we have to leave if you're going to be on time with the car." The three of them headed towards the locker rooms. Following the boys, Ella glanced back at Sam. He stood where they left him, the ball on his hip, and gave a small wave. She smiled back and walked out of the gym.

Ella kicked off her shoes and slipped on her flip-flops, pulled her sweatshirt over her sweaty gym clothes and stuffed her sneakers in her bag. She pushed open the door to the hall and stopped short when she saw Sam. His back was against the wall, left knee up with his right foot sole resting beside it and his arms crossed. As she came out, he smiled and took a step towards her. "You really okay?"

"Yeah, 'course. I'm tougher than that."

"Yeah. Sure."

Ella cursed her flawed poker face, which was probably glowing red. "Sorry about Ben. You know, big brother and all. He's a bit of an ass sometimes."

"Whatever." Sam shook his head. "It was a hard hit. I'll just have to play nice when he's around." Ella narrowed her eyes. What does that mean? But Sam continued. "Hey, lemme make it up to you. Do you wanna see a movie tonight? The one with that Zach guy is supposed to be epic."

Ella felt her pulse jump. Dammit. Movie night in with the girls. She hoped he couldn't see how pathetic she really was. "Um," Shit! "Well..."

"If you have other plans—"

"No, no, tonight's good. I'm not doing anything." They'll forgive me. "I want to see that one anyway." Lame.

"Great! How 'bout I pick you up at seven? I'll get the tickets online so we have time to eat first." Sam grinned down at her as he pulled out his phone. "What's your address?" She recited the house number and street name and hoped her voice didn't sound as weak as she felt. "Great, see you then?" He started to walk away.

"Yeah, see you then!" Ella waved then turned to walk in the opposite direction. Her knees were shaky. She took a deep breath and asked aloud, "What the hell just happened?"

**At home, Ella climbed** the stairs to her room and tossed her book bag on the floor. She checked her phone. There were texts from Alex and Karen confirming they were good to come over. Ella sighed. She didn't want to talk to them yet.

She texted both: SRY GRLS NO GO 2NTE. STHING CAME UP. Within a minute her cell rang. She rolled her eyes at the caller ID. I should've known.

"Hey, Karen."

"Hey, so what came up? It better be good. I told Jake I couldn't go to a party with him because I promised I'd hang out with you."

"Not much. Um, I'm just going out to a movie instead, that's all." She closed her eyes and hoped.

No such luck. "I thought you wanted to stay in? What movie? We'll just come with—wait a minute..." Ella sighed as she waited for Karen to add up the facts. "Who are you going with, Ella?"

"Sam." She held the phone away to avoid the squeal on the other end.

"I knew it! I knew it! I told you he's been watching you! Give it up, girl, I want deets. When did he ask? How?"

"He asked me after practice, there's nothing else to tell. Look, I gotta go. I've got stuff to do here before I can go out and I'm a sweaty mess from practice. I'm running out of time." It wasn't a complete lie and Karen seemed to appreciate half-truths.

"Alright. But I want to hear all about it later!"

Ella showered quickly and was looking through her closet trying to talk herself into wearing the one flirty skirt she owned when the phone rang again. Alex's face was on the call display. That didn't take long.

"So, Sam Cleveland, huh?" Alex laughed.

"Yeah, sorry for bailing." Ella held the phone between her ear and shoulder and looked back and forth between a bright blue T-shirt and a red V-neck sweater, then tossed them both on her bed.

"Well, you obviously owe me one. You can start by telling me everything tomorrow. I'm going to spend my boring evening at home alone, so I guess I'll have to live vicariously through you."

"What about Karen? You guys can still watch a movie." Ella slipped a dark plum shirt over her head and found her favourite faded jeans in the pile on the floor.

"Ah, you know Karen. She told Jake and said she'd go to the party after all. She asked me to go with, but I don't know. It's at Daniel Fraser's—does Ben know him?"

Ella felt a twinge of guilt but smiled at Alex's veiled effort and answered her real question. "Yeah, but he and Dad are going to the hockey game tonight so he's not going to the party."

"Oh well. I probably won't go anyway. Have fun, 'kay?"

After hanging up, Ella frowned at herself in the mirror. She put a brush through her hair and started to pull it back into its regular knot. Pausing, she let it fall down around her shoulders. She pulled the front and sides up in a barrette on top and was startled by the difference it made. Her thick, dark hair framed her face. Perhaps this might work after all. She applied the green shadow around her eyes that she thought made them look more green than boring brown and tucked her pink lip gloss in her pocket as she smacked her lips together to smear the gooey shine. She added a necklace with her purple sparkly "E" pendant and stepped back to critique. "Good enough," she muttered and checked her watch; it was 6:45. Almost game time. She slipped into her teal Under Armour zip-up hoodie and instantly felt better.

"Hey, sweetheart. What do you want for supper? It's just you and me since Dad and Ben are gone already." Her mother looked up from the sink as Ella entered the kitchen. "You look nice! Why are you so done up?"

"It's just jeans, Mom."

"Well, jeans and makeup, and your hair's down. It looks pretty. What's the deal?"

"Um, not much, just a movie. I'll get something to eat before the show." She hoped her mother wouldn't ask any more questions.

"Who are you going with? Karen and Alex?" Ella opened the fridge door looking for a bottle of water, hiding her tell-all face from her mother.

"No. A guy from school." She hesitated. "His name's Sam." She took out the water, closed the fridge door and turned to face her mother, bracing herself.

"Sam, huh? The boy you were talking to the other day?" When she nodded, her mother continued. "Your father and I haven't met him. You should have asked before making plans."

Ella tried to keep her tone light. "It's no big deal, Momma, just a movie."

"Just the two of you." Ella didn't like the way her mother's question was really a statement.

"Yeah, the two of us and a whole theatre of people." Ella locked her eyes on her water bottle to keep from rolling them.

"Ella."

"Mom, really, it's just a movie. It starts at 8:30 so I should be home by 11." She dared to meet her mother's studying eyes. Is she going to make me beg? "Please?"

"It's a date, Ella, with a boy I haven't met."

Ella gritted her teeth to bite back her reflexive response, then said instead, "I'm not a kid, Mom, it's not a big deal."

"It's not?" Her mother gave a small smile and Ella felt her cheeks warm. "Do you have your phone?" Ella nodded.

A knock fell on the door behind her. She froze on the spot until her mother raised an eyebrow and tipped her head towards the sound.

"Oh yeah." Ella laughed and went to open it, hoping he didn't hear her mother call after her, "I need to meet him first!" Sam was standing on the step with his back to the door. He wore dark, loose jeans and a heavy grey hoodie. His hair was mostly contained by a blue ball cap but the longer curls poked out underneath. At the sound of the door opening, he turned and grinned at Ella.

"Mom? I'm off!" Her mother appeared around the corner and Ella hoped she had pulled herself together. "Mom, this is Sam."

"Hi." Sam dipped his head and shook the hand her mother offered.

"Hi, I'm Jane. I hear you play ball with Ben?"

"Yeah, um, at school." Ella couldn't remember ever seeing Sam nervous before. He looked at her and smiled and she smiled back, happy not to be the only one feeling awkward for once. He raised his eyebrows as if asking for help.

"We're gonna be late," Ella pleaded.

"Alright guys, have fun. Eleven, Ella. Give me a call if you're going to be late." Ella smiled at her mother and followed Sam out the door. At the car he laughed as he made a big deal of opening the passenger side door and gestured for her to sit with a gallant sweep of his arm. She dipped in an exaggerated curtsey and settled into her seat. In the moment between shutting her door and opening his own, Ella took a deep breath and willed herself to relax. It's just a date. He's just a boy.

**The movie was funny.** Ella enjoyed glancing at Sam as they tried to catch their breath through their laughter. Halfway through, Sam found her hand on the armrest and wove his long fingers between hers. She looked up, startled and he smiled at her, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. She squeezed back. It seemed like the right thing to do.

When the movie finished, Ella let Sam lead her through the crowded lobby, his hand tight around hers. When they hit the cool air outside, he turned to face her and grinned. "That was a good movie. That part where he got stuck ... classic!" They recounted favourite scenes as Sam drove, and were still laughing when they stopped in front of her house.

"Well," Ella said, "that was fun. Thanks."

"Yeah, sure was. Um, so are we even?" Sam's eyes lit with humour.

"I dunno," Ella replied with a coy smile, surprising herself. "You did hit me hard."

He smirked and then recovered, forcing his mouth into a serious thin line. "Yeah, I did. I guess I'll have to try again."

"I guess. If you want to, I mean." She was enjoying the banter.

"Well, I'd hate for you to retaliate on the court. How 'bout Sunday afternoon?" His eyebrows rose, punctuating his question.

Ella had no idea what plans she had for Sunday. She didn't care. "Sure." She put her hand on the door handle and pushed open the door.

"Ella?" She turned back, startled to come eye to eye with him. Sam had shifted closer to her and leaned over the armrest. She froze. He reached up, moved a stray lock of hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear. He leaned closer and pressed his lips against hers. For the second time that day, he knocked her off her feet.

❊❊❊

**Katherine moved the bowl** of dried flowers back from the coffee table to the hutch and glared when Danny laughed. "What? It's out of reach up here." She stepped back to assess the placement of the bowl.

Danny moved between her and the flowers, putting a hand on each of her shoulders with a gentle squeeze. "She's not checking to see if the house is baby-proof yet. She's just coming to tell us about the process and see if it's something we think we want to do."

"I know..." She shook her shoulders free and pushed past him to move the bowl back to the coffee table. In a lower voice she continued, "I know. I—I just want it to go well," then turned and searched his face for reassurance.

"What's the worst that can happen? She decides we'd make the most terrible parents in the world, tells us it's a hopeless cause and we should give up. If that happens we'll buy an impractically tiny sports car and take annual trips to Fiji."

"Mmm." Katherine stepped into his arms. "That doesn't sound half bad, you know? Who needs shitty diapers and nighttime feedings?"

"Yeah, really? Who needs early hockey practice and fights over homework?"

"Who needs moody teenagers and missed curfews?" Her smile fell and she turned away.

Gently turning her face, he kissed her. "You do, love. And I do." Katherine nodded. "Don't worry," he continued. "We'll find our baby." She kissed him back and squeezed him in a hug before she stepped out of his arms. He grazed her cheek with his fingertips. Cooper clambered up and started barking before the doorbell rang. "Though Fiji does sound quiet."

She laughed and headed to open the door.

**Katherine fidgeted with her** rings as she sat straight on the couch across the room from the social worker—she had already forgotten her name. Cool as ice, Danny asked questions and nodded as she answered. Occasionally he jotted a quick note on a legal pad on the coffee table.

Whats-Her-Name seemed nice. She had been pleasant at the door and declined their offers of tea, water, pop, anything, with a polite shake of her head and asked them to relax. She told them about The Children's Heart, an organization that supported women throughout and following unexpected pregnancies.

"Our services for adoptive families are extensive," Whats-Her-Name assured them. "We connect you with the right government departments. As you know, adoptive families need to be approved by the state to protect children. You will need to fill out paperwork, pass police background checks and complete a training program. A social worker will complete interviews and draft a Home Study Report and will help you write a letter to prospective birth parents. Then it becomes a matter of waiting. Since the birth family usually chooses the adoptive family, it's impossible to say just how long you might wait to be matched." She smiled at them and asked if they had questions.

Danny asked her about the training timeline and the process, about past statistics and probabilities. He asked why children came to be placed through their services. Katherine smiled and nodded at all the right moments. The whole process sounded long and intimidating but if the end brought them a child, surely the means would be worth it. Katherine's heart beat faster and her thoughts started to race. All of the medical tests and procedures had left them empty-handed. There were no guarantees with adoption either, but somehow this path seemed ... hopeful. She was frightened by the feeling of hope fluttering like butterflies again in her chest.

As they walked to the door Danny said, "Thank you for coming. You've given us a lot to think about." He pulled her jacket from the closet.

"Yes, thank you," Katherine added. "We'll be sure to be in touch soon."

The social worker smiled and wished them good luck as she walked down the steps. Danny waved once more at her receding back and closed the door.

"So? What do you think?"

"Well, she was nice." But Katherine could tell he was looking for more. She headed to the living room to buy herself time and took his hand when he sat down beside her. "Are you going to say 'I told you so'?"

"Would I do that?"

"Yes."

"That hurts, Katherine." His mock seriousness made her laugh. "Seriously though, you have to be fully on board—you can't be doing this because I want to."

"I know, and I think I'm ready to try."

"You think? Or you know?" His seriousness was real now, his eyes intently studying her face.

"You know ... I don't think I know anything anymore. I don't know if this will work for us, but I think it's worth a try." Katherine enjoyed the way his smile spread across his handsome face.

He squeezed her hand and said, "It could take a long time, and maybe never happen."

"That's no different than what we've done so far." He nodded as she continued. "It seems like a lot of red tape but if there's a chance..." She could almost see her visions of motherhood shifting from a pregnant belly and morning sickness to reams of paperwork and interviews. But she could still see herself pushing a stroller and a swing, and that was really all that mattered.

"So? We should do it?"

"Yes. Let's try. What's the worst that can happen?"

"Deal," he said and sealed it with a kiss.

#  OCTOBER

**Ella dug in her** locker to find her shoes under the pile of books. With a tug on the lace, the second shoe flew up and out of its entrapment, causing the books to cascade out of the locker onto the floor.

"Geez, you trying to get on Hoarders?" Charlie said from beside her. She glared at him and shoved her shoes against his chest, where his hands caught them by reflex. Muttering curses, she stooped to pick up the books and toss them back in. With the floor cleared and the locker door forced closed, she took her shoes back and they headed to the gym. She heard the squeaking of running sneakers on the floor behind her and turned just in time to be spun around by Sam.

"Oof," she sputtered as she stumbled. Sam caught her to keep her from falling.

"Hey, babe!" He kissed her on the lips. Ella took a step back and shifted her shoes in her hands, sneaking a glance at Charlie. "Hey, Charlie." Sam said. Charlie gave a short nod. Sam stepped towards Ella again and put an arm across her shoulders as they walked on.

Ella was glad she didn't feel nervous around Sam anymore, now that she was more relaxed and less star-struck. They were always together, in the gym or on weekend dates. Sam sat at their table in the cafeteria and spent lunch playing cards and bantering with her friends. Being with him was exciting. She liked the way he held her hand, the way he said, "my girlfriend, Ella." She liked the way the other girls looked at her—differently, though she couldn't say how. She liked the way he kissed her, especially in his car at the end of their dates. But she didn't like it when he kissed her in front of people, especially Charlie and Ben. They would look away or at their feet, and a few times she caught a glance between them that made her feel ashamed somehow. After Sam kissed her in front of her friends there was a silence that hung against her, pushing away the light flutters his kisses left on her lips when she could enjoy them alone.

As they walked, Sam reached up and tugged on the elastic that held up Ella's hair. It shifted down far enough to loosen the ponytail and release the shorter sides. "Ouch! Sam, stop."

"You should wear your hair down."

"But I'm on the way to the gym, loser, and now I have to fix it."

They reached the boys' locker room first. Sam threw her a wink and disappeared behind Charlie through the swinging door. She hustled to the girls' room where Alex was already dressed, tying her shoes. Ella slammed her bag down and hurried to change her clothes.

"What kept you? Sa-am?" Alex asked, drawing his name out sarcastically.

Ella made a face. "No. I was late getting out of math. It's just been one of those days. I left my math assignment at home, had to work through lunch on my English essay..." She leaned over to tie her shoes, pulling hard on the laces with a frustrated tug. Her hair hung in her face, adding to her aggravation. "I hope my shot is on. I don't think I can take anymore frustration."

"I hope I'm on your team then," Alex laughed as they headed out to the gym.

Ella pushed herself in the sprints and suicides until her sides cramped and her breath grew short. She pounded the ball against the floor and drove to the basket with strong, wide strides and fought for rebounds with extra intensity, pulling the ball out of the air with a swing of her arms. It felt good. Winded and sore, she was in a much better mood when the whistle blew to end the practice.

"Bring it in!" Coach called from the sidelines and the girls staggered to the bench to guzzle water. "Alright girls, remember, our first game is on Thursday. I'll have the rest of the schedule to you by then. Not to add pressure, but it's only fair to let you know I've been contacted by Boston University. They're sending a scout to watch our game." Ella felt Coach's eyes on her. "Maybe that'll give you a little push on the court—it'd be nice to start the season off with a win, don't you think? Okay, that's it. Good practice today, girls. See you tomorrow morning. Be on time!"

"You nervous?" Alex asked Ella as they changed their shoes.

"'Bout the game?"

"Yeah ... and the scouts."

Ella shrugged. "I'm sure they're coming more to watch the boys." In truth, she was nervous. It would be great to have some help with university costs. She knew it must be daunting for her parents to be faced with having two kids to university. She hated the thought of student loans. Ben could probably get a scholarship for his grades, but hers weren't good enough. And since her grades wouldn't help, basketball might. Ben was already working on his applications. She didn't like to think about it much. It all seemed so far away. She didn't even know where she wanted to go.

"You ready?" Ella asked. Alex nodded and followed her out.

At their lockers the girls stashed their gym bags and shoes and filled their book bags in comfortable silence until it was interrupted by voices growing louder through the hall. Charlie's antics, then Ben's laugh rebounded towards them before the boys turned the corner.

"Hey," Ben called out. Ella saw Alex blush. "How was practice?"

Both boys were red-faced and sweaty. "Smells like yours went alright," Ella said, scrunching up her nose.

"You're hardly a bed of flowers yourself," Charlie taunted. "Did you hear 'bout the scouts?"

Alex nodded. "I wonder if they're coming to see anyone specific?"

"Dunno." Charlie shrugged. "But I'll be sure to put on a special show for 'em." He laughed as Ella rolled her eyes at his macho act. She slammed her locker shut and waited for Alex to finish.

"I bet you've got a chance to catch their attention, Ben," Alex said from inside her locker. She rustled through her things, seemingly looking for something elusive.

"Yes, Benny gets lots of attention," Charlie snickered, earning a glare from Ella and a shot in the arm from Ben. Alex dug deeper in her locker.

"I don't think U of Chicago is sending anyone out," Ben mumbled in an effort to cover Charlie's remark.

"University of Chicago?" Alex asked, straightening out of her locker. "Why would you go so far away?" Charlie laughed and Ben stuffed his fists deeper into his pockets.

Ella was relieved that Sam chose that moment to round the corner. She waved. "Hey!" He stepped between Charlie and Ben and kissed her before she jumped back. "Sam, don't. I'm gross." She couldn't help but notice the looks on the boys' faces as they turned away.

"Not to me, babe. You look hot after practice."

"Sam."

"What?" he laughed.

Alex stood up and shut her locker and Ben cleared his throat loudly. "Well then," he said. "Sis, Charles: this ride's leaving. We gotta go." Ella fell into step between Sam and Alex as they headed down the hall to the front doors just in time to see the late bus pull out of the parking lot.

"Shit!" Alex said. "Hey Ells, can I get a ride?"

"Yeah, 'course." Ella noticed her brother shift his feet.

"Ella, I figured you'd come with me," Sam said, slipping his arm around her waist. Ella looked from Ben to Charlie and back to Sam.

"I should just go home, it's late." She cursed the waver in her voice.

"C'mon, babe, I'll bring you right home."

Ella looked at Alex. "Is that alright with you? Ben can still drive you home." She didn't miss Charlie's cough-smothered snicker when Ben agreed with a curt nod and a forced smile.

"Sure," Alex said brightly.

"Whatever," Ben said, his eyes levelled at her. "I'm not covering for you if you're late, though."

Ella watched the trio walk towards their car as they started through the parking lot to Sam's, hand in hand. Ben got in the driver's seat and frowned as Charlie climbed in the back, leaving the front for Alex.

"Doesn't she get that he's not into her?" Sam asked.

"No, I don't think she sees anything clearly when it comes to Ben. And he's too nice to tell her. I think he's hoping I will. Do you think I should?" She waited while Sam got in and reached across to unlock her door.

Sam laughed and shook his head as she slipped into the car. "No way. It's too funny to watch!" Ella narrowed her eyes and gave him a good punch on the arm. "Hey! She's my friend and I don't want her to get hurt. I just don't know how to handle it."

He rubbed his arm where she punched him. "Kidding! Geez, don't be mad." He pouted and leaned across to kiss her. "Still mad?" He laughed when she rolled her eyes. "Seriously, you're a good friend."

"That's not helpful." He backed his car up and steered towards the road. She took a deep breath. "Hey, Sam, speaking of being a good friend..."

He glanced at her, his eyes questioning. "Yeah?"

"Well, I was just thinking ... I don't think you should, you know, kiss me and stuff so much in front of Ben and Charlie. I think ... it bothers them." She watched his jaw clench and release as he looked out the windshield.

"I don't see what the big deal is." Sam looked away from the road to study her for a second. "I like it, you like it. What's it got to do with them?" He frowned through the windshield, his knuckles white on the steering wheel.

"It's not a big deal. I just think it's rude to make them uncomfortable. I'm not interested in watching my brother kiss someone. I'm sure he feels the same." She felt her newfound good mood slipping away.

"And Charlie?"

"What about him?"

"He's not your brother, what's his problem?"

"Charlie's ... Charlie." She had no idea how to clarify her friendship with Charlie. And why should I? "What difference does it make why? He obviously doesn't like it."

"Well, it makes a difference if he's jealous," Sam spat without taking his eyes off the road. Ella stared at him dumbfounded until he glanced her way. "What? Is that so hard to believe? He's always there..." His voice trailed off when she rolled her eyes and looked out the passenger window. They were quiet for a few moments until he turned the car into the park.

"What are we doing here? I should get home. I don't want to be late."

"Let's walk," he said getting out and stopping in front of the car to wait for her. She sighed and pushed her door open. He beeped the lock and led her to the path through the woods, holding her hand tightly. She waited for him to start talking.

"Okay, look, Ella, I'm sorry. I mean, I don't like it. You're with him all the time, and who wouldn't want you?"

"Charlie, for one," Ella said stifling a snicker and stealing a sideways glance as he did likewise. He smiled when their eyes met. He led her to a bench and sat down, pulling her down beside him. He seemed serious, which set her heart racing. Is he breaking up with me over Charlie? She couldn't help but watch him as his jaw worked and his eyes darted everywhere but to hers.

"Ella," he started, "I know I act crazy and all. It's just. I dunno. I think I've kinda well, fallen um ... for you. I don't give a fuck what they think. I mean, why are you so scared of it?" He looked up from his clenched hands to steal a look at her eyes. Relief inched into her mind.

"I'm not afraid, Sam, and you don't have to worry about Charlie. I'm with you." She hoped her words were reassuring.

Sam looked at her for a minute then blinked as a smile crept across his face. "Alright. No more making out in front of your brother and the boyfriend-wannabe." She stared him down until he laughed. "Charlie. In front of Charlie." He swept his eyes from right to left and then behind them. "I don't see them here, though, right?"

Ella smiled and looked around. "Nope, the coast is clear!" She turned back to face Sam and returned his kiss.

**Ella could see her** family sitting at the table as Sam pulled up the driveway. "Ugh, I'm late." In her hurry to undo her belt she fumbled. "Shit! Shit!" She pushed open the door as she scrambled to collect her school bag at her feet.

"Hey!" Sam said, grabbing her arm. She turned to see his expectant face and planted a quick kiss, earning a smile and an "I'll text you." She climbed out of the car, swung the door closed behind her and ran to the house, hearing the wheels of the car tread up the driveway behind her.

"Hey, guys." She tried to be casual entering the kitchen. Her parents turned to frown at her. She wasn't sure if the smirk on Ben's face was real or imagined.

"Where have you been?" her father asked.

"Oh, Sam and I decided to take a walk before we came home." She slid into her chair at the table and loaded her plate with chicken and potatoes.

"Must have been some walk," her mother said. "Ben says you left the school nearly two hours ago. You didn't answer your phone."

She could feel her parents' eyes on her so she avoided looking up. Instead she glared sideways at Ben, who seemed to be concentrating very hard on his food. "Ella?" her father prodded.

She swallowed her sigh and met her father's eyes. "Yeah, we lost track of time and my phone was in the car."

"You know we have supper together at six. Unless you have a legitimate reason why you can't, we expect you to be here." Ella nodded, hoping he was finished.

"And," her mother continued, "call if you're going to be late, that's why we pay for that cell phone."

"Yeah, I'm sorry." She chanced to look back to Ben, who was still avoiding her eyes. She could see the play of a grin being contained on his lips. You wait, Ben, she threatened silently, I'm not done with you.

Her father sighed. "I think you'd better come home after school this week unless you have practice. Practice or here studying. Understood?"

"But Dad—" Her father's heavy stare stopped her argument. Fine. She forced her voice to be more polite than her thoughts. "Alright."

The rest of dinner passed uneventfully as her family discussed the day. She helped clear the table and load the dishwasher then grabbed her book bag from where she had dumped it by the front door. She went to her bedroom to do her homework, but at the top of the stairs she dropped her bag by her door and turned into Ben's room.

"What was that?" she hissed low so her parents wouldn't hear.

Ben was sprawled on his bed with his chin on his hands. A textbook lay in front of him. He looked up from under his brows, sighed with exaggerated patience and pushed himself up to sit on the side of the bed. "What was what?"

Ella rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "Nothing. It was nothing. Thanks for nothing."

"You're not making sense," he said as he tossed his book on his bed. She stared at him for a moment and then crossed the room to sit beside him on the bed. It was impossible to stay annoyed with Ben. "Everything alright?" he asked.

"Yeah, fine. We were just talking."

"Talking?" Ben drew the word out in disgust. "I don't think I want to hear any more about you 'talking.' You guys do more than enough 'talking' at school."

Ella bumped her shoulder against his, muttering, "Shut up." It was hard to decide how much to share with him and strange to feel so guarded—she was used to telling him anything. "Actually, we were talking, and talking about that. I told him to cut it out." Ben raised his eyebrows.

"Well, not completely. Just when others are around. He got it eventually."

"Eventually? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, he just ... he didn't get it at first. He said I was scared. And he thought Charlie was jealous, and you, well, whatever. It's all cleared up anyway. I have homework to do." She stood to leave but Ben grabbed her wrist.

She turned to face him and he held her eyes with his. "Sis, you get to say when and where and how much, right?"

Ella crinkled her nose and tugged away from him. "Ew, gross, I don't want to talk to you about this. Let go!" His grip tightened until she said, "Okay, okay, I know! Geez." He eyed her for a moment more and then released her. She left his room and went into hers, slammed her door and flopped on the bed. Sam jealous of Charlie? Ben talking like that? Why does everyone seem crazy all of the sudden?

❊❊❊

**Katherine looked at her** list for the hundredth time, studying the items that weren't crossed out, and called to Danny in the bathroom. "Hey, did you get a chance to drop off your background check at the police station today?"

Danny appeared in the doorway, brushing his teeth. He nodded and mumbled something unintelligible. He smiled, went back in the bathroom and returned a moment later without the toothbrush. "I dropped it off at lunch. They thought it would take a week or two to process."

Katherine put a line through B'ground Police and moved on to the next. "Can you go with me to that fingerprinting place Friday?" The most frustrating part of the paperwork was trying to get things done at offices that were only open during regular business hours.

"Ah shit, I told Pete I'd meet him for lunch. Can we do it Monday?"

Katherine shook her head. "I have an assessment Monday so I won't be able to get away. You're away next Friday, so if we don't go this Friday it won't get done for two more weeks."

"That's alright." Danny shrugged. Katherine resisted the urge to crumple her paper and throw it across the room by flopping backwards on the bed. She hid her face in her hands. She heard him shuffle across the room and felt the bed sag when he sat on the side and laid his hand on her stomach. "It's not a race, Kat. It'll get done when it gets done."

"I know, but the sooner we jump through these hoops, the sooner we can move on to the real process." She rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands and propped herself up on her elbows. "It's not fair, Danny. Nobody else has to fill out miles of paperwork and get background checks and fingerprinted just to have a baby. We're not criminals!"

"It's just procedure, you know that. Don't take it personally."

"Well, it still sucks."

"I know. But we'll push through it and get it done. And it'll be worth it in the end." He reached out and swept her curls back from her face.

"I just hope we get to that end." Her voice was barely a whisper. "I just hope this works."

"It will." Danny got up, turned on the bedside lamp and turned off the overhead light. He stopped and looked back at Katherine. "I'll see if Pete can meet me Monday instead." Katherine smiled up at him and mouthed "Thank you."

"Now," he grumped, "if you don't move either those papers or that dog, I'll be sleeping on the couch."

The next morning, Katherine swung the small car into a parallel spot on the street. She turned off the engine and moved the empty coffee cups out of the centre console, looking for change for the meter. "Dammit, Danny," she swore when she found the space empty. He was always swiping her coins. With a sigh she pulled her purse into her lap and dug through to find her wallet. No change there either—since she usually put it in the car console—only a twenty-dollar bill folded four times.

She turned the key partway to activate the wipers and searched through the wet windshield. There was a coffee shop across the street. "I'll buy a muffin and break the twenty," she muttered. She put the key in her pocket, pulled up her hood and checked for oncoming traffic before pushing the door against the wind and stepping into the rain.

Cars flew past her on the busy four-lane road, splashing as they went. At the closest crosswalk she shivered as she waited for the light to turn, water dripping off the hood of her jacket. At least the weather felt appropriate.

In the coffee shop she ordered a muffin then stuffed the change into her pocket. She walked against the wind back to her car, thankful the windshield was still clear of a ticket. She counted out coins and fed the meter, then unlocked the car and reached for the large brown envelope on the passenger seat.

Katherine clutched the envelope in her hand as she navigated around the people on the wet sidewalk. Looking up to check the address on the building against the note in her hand, she pulled the heavy door open and stepped out of the wind and rain. The lobby was empty. Across the hall a black sign with tiny white letters held names and suite numbers. Katherine found the suite she needed and pushed the UP button to call the elevator.

Stepping out of the elevator, Katherine found the Department of Children and Families office. She pushed her way into the empty waiting room, where a receptionist was busy behind safety glass. One corner of the floor was littered with children's books and a few toys. Mismatched chairs lined the wall. Katherine went to the desk and waited for the busy woman to acknowledge her. When the woman did look up, she sighed at Katherine.

"Um, I have this paperwork to drop off," Katherine said, showing her envelope through the window. "It's, uh—it's to apply for adoption?" She didn't like the way her voice raised with uncertainty.

"Adoption application?" asked the frazzled receptionist. "Oh, right." She took the envelope and laid it on her desk. Katherine waited until she looked up and raised her eyebrows. "That's it, that's all I need."

"I don't need to sign anything?" Katherine eyed her envelope on the disorderly desk. How would she know it got where it was supposed to go?

"Nope, you're good to go." The receptionist forced a smile. "Someone will be in touch." With that, she turned her attention back to her busy desk, dismissing Katherine and all of her concerns.

❊❊❊

**Ella sat up, trying** to catch her breath. She ran her hand through her hair and smiled at Sam, slouched beside her on the couch. They were alone in his basement. The lights were out and the large-screen TV blared a movie they weren't watching. She gathered her hair in her hands and moved the elastic from her wrist to tie her hair back.

"Hey!" Sam pulled on her arm. "Leave it down."

"It's a mess." But Ella's hands fell still with the elastic on her fingers.

"It's beautiful," Sam said. He took the elastic from her, hooked it with his baby finger then pulled it over his thumb and stretched it to the end of his index finger. Pointing his hand like a gun, he released it and the elastic flew across the room.

"Hey!" She moved to retrieve it.

"Hey yourself," Sam laughed and held her flat stomach back with his hand. He kissed her again, pushing her back on the couch and leaning over top of her. Ella's stomach fluttered and her ears rang. The room was spinning as she closed her eyes and returned his kisses. She reached her arms around his neck and played her fingers in his curls. His tongue was on hers. At first she barely noticed his hand moving on her middle. When it brushed against her breast, she thought it was an accident. But when Sam's hand slithered under her shirt and up her ribs, she pushed him away and sat forward, leaving him to tumble onto the couch behind her.

"Babe," he pleaded.

Standing up, Ella straightened her shirt and walked across the room to fetch her hair tie. He lay on his side on the couch, head propped in his hand and elbow, watching her with a grin. She pretended she didn't see his imploring eyes. "Ella, come back," he said, sitting up. She sat down, careful not to touch him, and stared at her hands in her lap. "Ella." She turned to face him.

"Sorry, but it's just ... too fast. I'm not ready for this." She bit her lip.

"Not ready for what?" He took her hand in both of his. "We're not doing anything wrong. A little playing never hurt anyone." Ella tried to smile. Why am I being such a loser? Realizing how immature she must seem to him, she felt her cheeks warm. She looked away, unable to meet his eyes. "Didn't you like it?" What can I say? She nodded, not trusting her voice. "Well then? What's wrong?"

Ella took a deep breath. "I dunno, it just doesn't feel right ... yet. I don't feel right yet." He sighed, ran his fingers through his hair and stood up. "Sam!" She stood behind him and waited for him to turn around, then she whispered, "Are you mad?"

His smile was strained, his eyes flat. "Nah, whatever you say, babe. If you're not ready I can wait a bit. I won't like it, though."

She smiled and hugged his neck and felt better after a moment when he slipped his arms around the small of her back. She whispered in his ear. "Sorry. I wish I could, I—I just..." He pulled back far enough to put his finger on her lips and shushed her, smiling. He gave her a soft, sweet kiss.

"Let's get you home, before you drive me crazy."

**The whistle blew and** the referee called "Timeout: Blue!" Ella jogged over to the bench vacated by her teammates, who stood huddled over behind them. Coach crouched down in front of them. He was red in the face and his wispy grey hair stood at all angles off his head, accentuating the urgency of his voice. "They're double-teaming you, Sarah. You're not going to get a good shot." On his clipboard, he slashed five X's around the key. "You're collapsing into their zone, making it easy for them. Spread _out_!" He drew lines from each X. "Ella and Morgan, go right out to the corners. Guards? Out here, foul line extended!" He stabbed at their positions on his board. Ella's eyes wandered to the bleachers where Sam waved, making her smile. "Parker!" Coach slapped his hand on the clipboard. "Game's here! Stay with me or get off the floor." Ella was glad she was already flushed from running. "Pass the ball. Sarah, if you can't get a good shot, for heaven's sake pass it off. Pass and go until you get an opening. Get it to Ella down low. Ella, drive _hard_ to the basket. C'mon girls, we're close. Thirty-seven seconds left, keep it up!"

The team put their fists together and shouted "Offence!" Ella risked a peek at the stands, but Sam was gone. She heard her name and looked over to see Charlie and Ben. Charlie's voice carried over the rest of the noise in the gym as he cheered them on.

Ella's team had the ball at half. She cut into the box then pulled out to the corner in time to catch a pass from the wing. Two steps ahead of her defence, she had just enough room to step back behind the three-point line and release a perfectly arched shot that swooshed through the net. Down by one.

"Way to go, Lassie!" she heard over the crowd. Ella groaned and pulled her attention back to the game, refusing to look up into the stands.

Their opponents struggled to inbound at the baseline. Running out of time, one of their players inbounded a pass to a teammate at half-court. Alex intercepted it, put the ball on the floor and drove to the key. She was met by three players, so she passed to Sarah, who was swarmed by red jerseys. Sarah fought to find a shot, pivoting before giving up and dribbling out of the key. She threw a bullet to Ella in the corner. Once burned, Ella's defender was up close enough that her nose stung from the waft of her sweat. Ella faked right and spun left. The zone closed in on her as she drove to the net. A bounce, two strides, then up, Ella released the ball just before she was hit. She fell to the floor in time to see the ball fall through the net and hear the ref blow the whistle, pointing at a red shirt.

When the buzzer rang, Ella's team met at centre court and the stands cheered. Through her teammates' hugs Ella looked up into the risers. Charlie and Ben were standing and clapping; Charlie blew a shrill whistle through his fingers. She couldn't see Sam anywhere. Triumphant, the girls moved their celebration to the locker room.

Ella hurried to change her shoes and clothes and get back out before the boys' game started. When she returned to the gym the boys were shooting around casually. Charlie saw her first and whooped, running towards her. He picked her up in a bear hug and swung her around. Ella laughed and shouted, "Put me down, you idiot!"

Charlie put her on her feet and stepped back, "What a finish!" Ella shrugged. Alerted by Charlie's response, Ben and Sam had joined them on the sidelines. Ben was smiling but Sam glared at Charlie.

He shouldered his way between them and kissed her. "Great game, babe!"

Ella looked up at him. "Did you see the end?"

"Nah, I missed it. I had to get psyched for my game. Ben said you won it." Ella shrugged as if it didn't matter. The boys' coach called them to warm up, so they turned and jogged back and she went into the bleachers to watch.

That night, Ella sat with her friends in her room wishing she hadn't brought it up. It was the first time they'd had a girls' night in weeks and she didn't want to ruin it. She was in her pyjamas, cross-legged on her bed, flipping through the Cosmo Karen had brought. Alex sat beside her, painting her toenails bright purple. Karen stood in the middle of the room studying the thin full-length mirror as she brushed her hair.

"Really, Ella, I don't know what the big deal is," Karen said. "It's not like he whipped out a condom and threw you to the floor." Ella laughed with her and Alex but wished they weren't laughing at all. "You're such a prude. I'd let Sam Cleveland do, well, just about anything! As long as Jake didn't find out, of course." She ducked to avoid the stuffed dog Ella threw at her then spun to face the girls on the bed. "Seriously. Lighten up or you're going to lose him."

Ella didn't know how to respond. She's probably right. Karen had more experience with boys, but she hadn't expected her to be so critical when she'd asked her opinion. She didn't know what she had expected them to say. Would've been nice to hear I'm not a loser. And now she didn't know what to think. Memories of that night with Sam made her chest burn. She wondered if she was blushing on the outside too. She couldn't believe she had acted so childishly, like a scared, prissy little girl. He'd backed off when she told him to stop. It didn't seem to be the big deal Karen was making it out to be. So why do I feel so crappy about it? How come I don't know what I want?

"Stop it, Karen. I think it's good that she defined her boundaries. She shouldn't have to do any more than she wants to." Ella flashed an appreciative smile at Alex.

"Of course not," Karen contradicted herself, returning to the mirror. "But why wouldn't she want to? It's just a little fooling around. Where'd you get to, like second base? Puh-leez. Hell knows I've gone way farther than that."

Alex and Ella groaned. "Gross!" Ella said. "Let's change the subject. Who wants popcorn?" Eager to escape the room and the conversation, Ella stood and strode towards the door, picking up her stuffed dog where it had fallen after missing its target.

"I do," Karen agreed. "That is, if you can get the microwave hot enough with your Ice Princess self in the kitchen." She laughed and ducked again when the little dog flew back across the room, just missing her head.

❊❊❊

**Katherine put down the** phone with exaggerated caution and growled under her breath. Danny was cooking behind her. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"No messages." She hated the whine in her voice.

"Were you expecting any?"

She turned and leaned back against the counter to watch Danny stir the spaghetti sauce, enjoying her view with a grin. Her stomach growled in reaction to the sharp smells of tomato and garlic. When he turned and frowned at her, she remembered his question and blinked. "Well, no. Yes. I don't know."

"Ah, thanks for clearing that up." Danny laughed as he reached up to the cupboard to bring down two plates, two bowls and two glasses.

"I expected to hear something by now. I don't even know that our application got to the right place."

"Did you call them to ask?"

She took the plates over to the small kitchen table and returned for the bowls. "No, not yet. I was trying to be patient." Danny laughed. "Okay, I was trying to seem patient," she corrected, smiling over her shoulder at him. "This waiting is terrible. It's the biggest thing in our lives and it's completely in someone else's hands. I hate it."

Danny brought over the pot of spaghetti. He moved to put it down on the table but Katherine stopped him. "Wait!" She grabbed the dry dishtowel from the oven handle and folded it on the table. She ignored his rolling eyes as he placed the pot on top of it.

He faced her and slid his hand down her arm, hooking his fingers to catch hers. "It's always been in someone else's hands, Kat. God, the docs, the angular spin of the earth on its axis ... there's nothing we can do to will it to happen."

Katherine squeezed his fingers with hers and sat at the table. "I know. I just wish there was more I could do."

"Well, you could partake of this meal lovingly prepared for your nourishment," Danny said as he slid into his seat.

❊❊❊

**Ella fidgeted as Karen** braided her thick hair. "Sit still, Ells! I can't do this with you moving so much."

"I can't help it. This suit is riding up my butt." Ella cursed the costume she had let Karen and Alex talk her into wearing. They had shopped together at the Halloween store, thinking it would be fun for the three of them to match. Karen found a scanty Musketeer costume, a bodysuit with a low, tight bodice and very short skirt. It sounded fun at the time but Ella didn't remember the costume feeling so revealing when she tried it on in the store.

Alex laughed. "Mine too!" She pulled at the skirt and wiggled her hips, trying to release the material. She stepped in front of the mirror to apply her makeup. "Do you guys know who all is going? It sounds like the whole school was invited."

Ella shrugged. The party was being thrown by one of the senior boys on the basketball team. Ella didn't know why she felt nervous. All of her friends were going. Jake was picking them up in his mother's van. Sam was going to meet her there.

"Done!" Karen gave Ella's head a final pat. Ella moved from her chair to stand in front of the mirror and examined her transformation. Wow, I do look good! Most of her hair was swept back in a ropey French braid that fell to the middle of her back, but Karen had left strands hanging, creating a tousled look. The makeup Alex had put on her was heavy, but it worked well with the costume that fit tightly around her breasts and middle then flared into the short skirt at her hips. Ella tugged on the hem, gaining an inch that bounced back up when she let go.

Ella giggled. "I think we're gonna have fun tonight, girls!" They laughed and crowded in close to look in the mirror.

"Yup, we look hot!" Karen crowed.

There was a knock on the door and Ben's muffled voice wafted through it. "You dressed? I'm coming in." After a hesitation the door inched open. Ben stood in the doorway dressed in old, ripped clothing with bloody makeup on his face and arms. He took in each of the girls, eyes narrowing when he got to Ella. "Wow," he said softly. "Good thing Mom and Dad are out of town. I don't think you'd get past them wearing that. Where are your swords to fight off the guys?"

Karen shrugged. "Who needs swords? We'll take care of each other, right, girls?"

"All for one?" Alex offered.

"One for all!" they shouted, laughing.

Ben groaned and shook his head. "Anyway, Jake's here. We're ready when you are." The girls followed the zombie downstairs, where Jake and Charlie waited for them in the kitchen. Jake was a vampire, with blackened, slicked-back hair, a white face with bloody fangs and a long black cloak. Charlie wore his regular faded jeans, a black T-shirt and his red school hoodie.

"Grrr, fresh meat!" Jake growled as the girls walked in. He ogled Karen with a smile.

Charlie looked away when Ella caught his startled expression. She felt guilty about his reaction but didn't know why. "What are you supposed to be?" she asked him. He held up his hand in a "wait a sec" gesture and turned to pick up a picket sign that lay behind him on the counter. When he turned it to face her she read, Nudist on Strike. Groaning, she tapped a punch on his upper arm. "You're such an ass."

"Shall we be off, ghouls?" Jake asked, rattling his keys. Everyone followed him out to the car.

"Nice ride, Jake." Ben laughed, pointing at the pink Flower Pot logo on the back window.

"Yeah, do we have many stops to make before we get to the party?" Charlie put on a mocking, accented voice: "Hello, Madame, please sign here for your flowers."

"Whatever, guys, it's wheels. I don't see either of you driving tonight," Jake scoffed.

"No, you don't." Charlie laughed and held his hand up for Alex to slap, but she just frowned at him and turned up her nose then stepped past him to take the seat beside Ben. Charlie rolled his eyes and slapped his own high five.

Ella took a deep breath of the fresh air as she waited to climb into the back of the van. It felt cool in her throat. It was difficult to climb in gracefully in the costume and as she buckled her seatbelt she caught Charlie watching her. Discomfited, she grimaced and looked down at her hands in her lap. "You look great, Lassie," Charlie said in a serious whisper. Ella wrinkled her nose and told him to shut up, but couldn't help but smile.

The ride to the party was loud between the music and shouting over each other, but they could still hear the party when they pulled up to the curb. Classmates in costumes stood in small groups on the front yard and porch as Ella and her friends walked to the open door. Ella felt the beat of the blaring music enter her lungs as she scanned the crowd for Sam. Voices yelling over the music pushed against her, surrounding her in a claustrophobic blanket. The air was hot and humid and smelled of liquor and sweat. Sharp darts of stares thrown by her peers made Ella suddenly long for the familiar cover of her track pants and hoodie. She hung close to Charlie, Ben and Alex as they entered the living room. Karen let out a screech and pulled Jake to the middle of the living room floor, where a witch and a black cat were dancing with a Michael Jackson impersonator. The music resonated through the floor into Ella's feet. She watched Ben and Charlie lean in and shout back and forth and followed their shared line of sight across the room to where a tenth-grader was wiggling about in a slinky cocktail dress. Ella whacked Ben with the back of her hand. Caught, the boys laughed and Ella rolled her eyes. A hand pressed against her bottom and squeezed, hard. Startled, she turned to see Sam's face close to hers. He stole a kiss and shouted over the music. "You look awesome!"

Sam carried three bottles in his right arm and had two more tucked under his left. Letting go of her bottom, he shifted the bottles and handed one each to her, Alex, Ben and Charlie. The boys laughed and accepted their beers, clinking the necks with his and Ella opened her cooler, sipping the cold, tart drink. Sam tugged her hand and shouted in her ear, "Let's dance!" He led her over to the impromptu dance floor. Ella grinned at Karen and moved to the music. She loved to dance. Soon her nerves were gone and she was lost in the moment of music and friends.

Wiped from dancing, Ella flopped on the couch. Alex and Karen followed, wedging her between them. She giggled. From that vantage point they could watch their classmates come and go. They scrutinized the dancers in the middle of the room, their moves growing more elaborate, daring and clumsy as they loosened up with drinks.

"I can't believe she wore that," Karen shouted, and Ella laughed even though she wasn't sure who Karen was talking about.

Ella was content. She felt a floating buzz between her ears from the two coolers she'd had. She was giddy and loving the party with her friends. And Sam. He looked fantastic, even though she thought he had copped out on his costume. He'd worn his basketball uniform. His sculpted arms and shoulders were left bare by his jersey and the elastic waist of his warm-up slacks hung low on his hips, emphasizing his narrow waist and toned middle. She had rolled her eyes when he joked he wasn't wearing a costume; he was himself, "A superstar," but she couldn't seem to keep her hands off of him when they danced.

Speak of the devil.

Sam appeared through the crowd and sauntered towards them. He carried two bottles in each hand. Alex and Karen reached out to accept theirs but Ella waved hers off. "I've had enough," she yelled over the music. Sam held the bottle closer to her and Karen rolled her eyes, vacating the couch and raising her eyebrows before being swallowed by the dancing crowd. Ella relented and took the bottle as Sam flopped down beside her. He stared past her at Alex, his eyes fixed and brows raised.

Alex laughed. "Ah, well, thanks for the drink ... I think." She braced her hand on Ella's knee and pushed herself off the deep couch to follow Karen into the crowd.

"You chased away my friends," Ella pouted. "We were having fun." She took a long swig of the drink. It tasted good and was a cooling relief from the heat of the body-filled room.

"I can be fun," he said, leaning closer. Ella smiled and let him kiss her. When he pulled back he touched the hair falling on her shoulder, twirling it around his finger then letting it fall again and brushing it back. She shivered. "Having a good time?" he asked. She took another drink and nodded, biting her lower lip. She watched his eyes move from hers down her body and back up. She liked his attention. When his eyes returned to hers she kissed him again. She liked his hand in her hair. A drop of cold liquid fell on her thigh and she jumped back, then realized Sam had spilled some of his drink. She laughed and slapped him as he licked his fingers. "Oops," he said.

Ella finished her cooler with a long drink and put the empty bottle on the floor. Then she took Sam's half-filled bottle and downed it as well, placing the empty with hers. He watched her with his eyebrows raised. "What?" she asked. "Now you have no excuse." She leaned in to kiss him as if the loud music was a cover hiding them from the rest of the room. When his hand rested on her breast she felt a buzz in her gut and didn't move away. She hummed against Sam's lips as he pressed closer and squeezed harder. Ella liked it and kissed him deeper in response.

She felt the couch shift as someone sat down on her other side. Turning away from Sam she glared at Ben beside her. He sneered and shouted, "Hey, sis."

Sam pulled Ella's attention back with a kiss on her neck. Then he stood and whispered, "Good luck with that," in her ear and strode across the room and disappeared into the crowd without looking back.

Ella turned to Ben, lounging beside her. "What do you want?"

"Just checking in. Are you ready to go?"

Ella rolled her eyes. "Do I look ready to go?"

"Ahhh..." Three beats of music filled Ben's pause. "Yup."

"Well, I'm not. I'm having a good time. At least I was until you showed up. So why don't you just piss off and leave me alone." She glared at her brother for a long moment, but he didn't look away. She pushed herself up from the couch and stumbled. "Shit." She caught her balance and without looking back stormed out of the room in search of Sam.

She found him in the kitchen leaning against the counter and laughing with some teammates. He grinned as she walked towards him. Ella seized the bottle he held in his hand and took a long drink as she nestled against his side. He draped his arm across her back and laughed at a story someone was telling. Ella watched the people in the kitchen but it was tricky to focus on any one person as they moved in and out and through the room. The room itself spun a little each time Ella moved her eyes, but she steadied herself by leaning closer to Sam. She took another sip. The voices around her blurred with the music. She couldn't follow the conversation but laughed when Sam did. Ella put the bottle to her lips and tipped it back to catch the last sweet drops. She caught Sam smiling at her and grinned back as he squeezed her arm tighter. Karen's voice entered the room behind Ella. Her head rolled on her shoulders towards Karen's laugh as if in a fog, and she snickered at Karen's gregarious entrance. Karen threw her arms around her then stepped back and opened the fridge. She took out a bottle of water and passed it to Jake then took a beer for herself. Smiling at Ella, she raised the beer. It took Ella a moment to figure out what Karen wanted. When she did, she laughed again, raised Sam's bottle and tapped it with a clink against Karen's. Ella put the bottle to her lips but frowned when she realized it was empty, while Karen turned on her heel and danced back out of the room.

When Ella turned back to Sam, his friends had disappeared. The two of them were isolated from the others in the room by empty space filled with pounding music. Sam turned, pulling her close to rest against him as he leaned back on the counter. With his stomach against hers, Sam put his arms around Ella's back and smiled down at her, his eyes soft. Ella rose up on her tiptoes to kiss his lips. She closed her eyes and the room spun faster. His hands moved up and down her back then fell below her waist.

She was out of breath when he pulled back away from her. "Ella," he whispered, "do you want to stop?" She could tell from the strain in his voice that it was the last thing Sam wanted to do. He's so sweet. She smiled and shook her head no. "Then let's find somewhere a little more, ah, quiet..." he said, then bit his lip. Ella nodded and let Sam lead her out of the kitchen. His grip on her hand tightened as he wove between the dancing bodies in the hall. When they came to the stairs she braced herself, holding onto the railing and concentrating on putting one foot above the other to climb them without stumbling.

Halfway up they met Charlie on his way down. "Hey, Lassie, what's up?" he asked, looking between her and Sam. Ella narrowed her eyes at Charlie and glared at him. Really? In front of Sam? Charlie matched her glare but his voice wavered. "Um, wanna come dance? Alex was going to put on Lady Gaga." Charlie's eyes were locked on hers. She shook her head but had to tighten her hold on the banister when the stairs lurched underneath with the movement. Charlie persisted. "It's hot in here. Let's get some air..."

Sam pushed past Ella and stood between her and Charlie. "I guess you just don't get it, Chuckles, she doesn't want to be with you. Go away." Around Sam's arm, Ella could see Charlie's jaw clench as he stared at Sam for a long moment. He shifted his gaze to meet Ella's.

"Ells?" Charlie pleaded with his eyes. Her irritation melted away.

Ella hoped her smile would reassure him. "Go away, Charlie," she said with a forced laugh, failing to keep her voice light. She regretted it immediately. Charlie set his jaw again and stared at her. It was too hard to stay focused on him with the stairs rolling underfoot, so Ella closed her eyes. She felt Sam tug on her hand and they continued their ascent, leaving Charlie behind.

The third door Sam tried opened to an empty room. Ella followed him in and stood in the middle of it as he closed the door and locked it. Her confidence had drained away after their encounter with Charlie. She watched Sam as he studied her, his gaze moving over her body. Watching his eyes move made her dizzy. But when he stepped forward, put his arms around her and kissed her hard on the lips, her body responded. She kissed him back, slipping her hands under his jersey. The room spun and time swirled. Then Ella found herself on the bed, pinned under Sam. He propped himself over her on one elbow while his free hand explored over and then under her costume, her arms, her breasts, down her stomach and to her hips. He was kissing her face, her neck and her hair and whispering in her ear, "Oh God, Ella, you're beautiful. I—I love you." He loves me? Ella's heart soared. She put her hands on either side of Sam's face and pulled him down to kiss his lips. He pulled back for a moment and looked into her eyes. She tried to focus on him despite the spinning room.

"Ella..." His voice pleaded and his breath was fast.

She heard a quiet whisper inside her head, saying stop. They needed to stop now before it was too late, but she couldn't make herself say it. She just didn't want to. "Sam..." Ella closed her eyes to focus but the room pitched dangerously and she tightened her grip on him. "Don't..." she heard herself whisper, "don't stop."

❊❊❊

**Katherine was curled in** the corner of the couch where the sun fell on her, warming her skin, rereading a favourite Diana Gabaldon book. She heard Danny walk in the room and clear his throat theatrically. Suppressing an eye roll, she turned her attention to him. He wore a collared shirt and slacks and even his despised dress shoes peeked out from the hem of his pants. "Wow. Look at you." Katherine smiled.

"I look good, don't I?"

"You're not modest, but you do look good." Katherine wondered what game he was playing. He never dressed like that on Saturday if he could help it.

"You, on the other hand, look kinda sloppy." Danny winced. She looked down at her sweatpants and his T-shirt that still had a spot from the sticky honey sandwich she'd had for lunch. "If you want to go out for dinner with me, you'll have to clean yourself up."

"Dinner? Where? Why?" While dinner sounded somewhat enticing, Katherine didn't really want to move out of her sunny nest.

"I want to take you somewhere nice, but if you don't change I'm taking you to McDonald's."

"I like McDonald's."

"They don't have smoked salmon." Danny stepped closer and put his hand out for her to take. Katherine reached up and let him pull her to her feet. "And I want smoked salmon," he continued. "Go get dressed, woman! So you can help me fend off the ladies."

She laughed aloud. "Yeah? 'The ladies'?" Danny nodded with a smile. "Alright then, you win. I guess I'd better get dressed."

"You've got a half hour, then I'm leaving without you."

They took a cab into town and dined at the seafood restaurant they both loved and couldn't afford. Danny confessed he wanted to take her mind off of things, and prohibited any child-related talk. They laughed and reminisced about their days in university. They argued about sports. They held hands through dessert and ate in silence, enjoying each other's company. By the end of the meal they had finished off two bottles of wine and Katherine wanted to go dancing. They walked from the restaurant up to a pub where a live band beat out cover songs until close.

Stumbling out into the street, Katherine grabbed Danny's arm for support. He slipped his arm around her waist and kissed her in front of a group of startled teens walking past on the sidewalk. Holding onto her, Danny stepped to the side of the road to flag down a cab. A minivan blared music as it rolled by and Katherine grinned at the teens dancing in the back seat.

"Party flowers." Danny laughed.

"What?" she asked, confused.

"The van, it said Flower Pot. Think they're delivering?"

A cab pulled to the curb and slid to a stop in front of them. Danny opened the back door and helped her in, then climbed in behind her. As they rode home Katherine leaned back against his chest. His arm draped around her shoulder, letting his hand fall in front of her, where she fiddled with his fingers. Every so often he would lean forward and kiss her neck or whisper, "Kat," low, by her ear. By the time they got home they couldn't get to their bedroom fast enough.

Afterwards, Katherine lay relaxed in their bed listening to Danny's soft breathing beside her. She sighed watching his face, peaceful in sleep. It had been a wonderful evening. Something had been lost in the procedures and timing and pressure to succeed. She had feared it was gone for good. She snuggled in against Danny's warm body. In his sleep he turned and curled around her. They had found it again. And she was determined not to let it go.

#  NOVEMBER

**The morning of November** first was sunny and cold. The light shining through Ella's window seared her eyes and spurred on the pounding in her head. She ached all over. She groaned and rolled over to pull the pillow over her face. The movement caused her stomach to flop with a violent twist. She was across the room yanking her door open before she was fully awake. Holding her hand to her mouth, she sprinted the length of the hall and pushed open the bathroom door, making it to the toilet just in time. Spent, she slumped to the floor and put her hands to her face.

"That good, eh?" Ben appeared in the doorway. She spread her fingers to peek through at her brother and groaned.

"What makes you so chipper?" The sound of Ella's own voice echoed in her head, ricocheting behind her eyes and leaving pinpricks of pain. My teeth hurt.

Ben shrugged and stepped towards her. "Well, I feel a hell of a lot better than you look." Crouching, he held his hands towards her. One held a half glass of water and the other lay flat with two pills resting in his palm. "Take this. It'll help ... a little."

Ella's irritation evaporated as she accepted her brother's peace offering. She put the pills in her mouth and washed them back with a tiny bit of the water, concentrating on making the water stay down. She watched as Ben brushed his teeth at the sink. When he spat, she had to shut her eyes tight and swallow hard to keep the pills down. "Ells, you gotta get moving. You gotta to be in fine form when Mom and Dad get home this afternoon. Get up, I'll get some breakfast going." Just then the phone rang. Ella forced herself to stand up, groaning, as Ben left the room to answer it. "For you," he shouted from the hall.

Ella picked up the phone on her way to her room and pushed TALK. "Got it." She waited until the door closed to speak. "Hello?"

"Hey babe, you didn't answer your cell." She could hear a smile in Sam's voice.

"Hey," Ella said, crawling back into bed. She'd pushed her voice above a whisper, and it cracked.

"How're you feeling?"

"Ugh. How 'bout you?"

"I'm great. Just got back from a run. I only had a couple last night. You were having such a good time I wanted to keep an eye on you."

Ella wasn't sure if this news was sweet or creepy. "Ben just fed me some Tylenol and water. He said something about making me eat breakfast too..." Ella squeezed her eyes shut as hazy memories slipped into her mind. She had forgotten about her confrontation with Ben. Remembering it brought back her discussion with Charlie on the stairs. A moan escaped her pounding head.

"That bad?"

"No. I mean yes, but not that. I just remembered talking to Ben and Charlie last night."

"Ben? What did he say? Charlie was way outta line. He's lucky I didn't knock him down those stairs. I can't believe he came on to you when I was standing right there!" The anger in Sam's voice surprised her. Why would he think Charlie was coming onto me? "Hey, forget them. Wanna come over for a bit? I can pick you up."

She wasn't ready to face Sam, not yet, though she didn't know why. "I have homework to do. And Mom and Dad are coming home this afternoon and wanted Ben and me to be home when they get here."

"Alright." Ella cringed at the disappointment in his voice. "Feel better." After hanging up, she put her hands to her face and through her hair. Only then did she dare to think about the night. How did things get so far out of control? She had drunk at parties before but never gotten that drunk. She tried to pinpoint when she should have stopped drinking, but the night's events blurred together. All except the end. The bedroom. She felt a strange mixture of guilt and excitement. Being with Sam had felt great, really great, not wrong. So why do I feel so guilty? Ella had left the party shortly after that. She and Sam had snuck back out of the room and rejoined the crowd downstairs. By that time Jake was making his rounds trying to get everyone out to the car and grumbling about having to shepherd his drunk friends, spitting curses when someone asked where Karen was. She wasn't in the car but Ella hadn't thought twice about it as she climbed in the back beside Alex, who laughed and linked arms with her. It was well past 2 a.m. when they arrived home. By that time Ella's buzz had subsided to an overall fatigue and an unfamiliar soreness. She was steadier on her feet but eager to climb into bed. She didn't remember her head on the pillow. Thinking about it now, her stomach just pulled tighter. Maybe it's just the hangover. She hoped a hot shower would make her feel better.

That Monday afternoon Ella entered the gym behind Alex, glancing around to see if Sam was there. She hadn't seen him all day. She thought he must have been late because his car wasn't in the parking lot when her bus pulled in. She had spent lunch listening to Karen rant about Jake and a fight, some misunderstanding with her and a senior at the party. With a sigh that fell somewhere between relief and annoyance, Ella joined in with Alex, Ben and Charlie shooting at a corner net. Soon the rhythm of the ball and the concentration of her shot soothed her nerves. Her shot was on and it felt good to be moving.

From out of nowhere Sam was beside her, leaning in to take her rebound before it reached her hands. Stealing the ball, he took two strong steps to the basket and dunked it with a clang. The ball fell through the net and he snapped a hard, flat throw to Charlie's chest. The boys stared at each other for a moment before Charlie pulled half of his mouth up into a cocky grin and shot the ball through the net with a swoosh. As the ball fell, two whistles blew calling the teams to their own practices. Alex looked at Ella, her eyes wide, but Ella just shook her head as they headed to the bench.

After practice, Charlie and Ben found Ella by her locker. She ignored Sam's eye roll and smiled at the boys. "Hey, Ells, you coming with me?" Ben asked. "We have to get going. Mom needs the car."

Ella looked to Sam, who tipped his head. "Nah, go ahead. Sam'll drive me home." Ben and Charlie shared a quick glance Ella couldn't read before they turned and walked away, shouting goodbyes over their shoulders. "There. I'm all yours," she said and Sam smiled. She closed her locker door and replaced the lock. The couple walked outside just as Ben drove past. Charlie waved at Ella from the passenger seat. She felt Sam's hand tighten around hers and looked up to see his eyes narrow as he watched the boys drive into the street.

"Hey, what's up?" Ella forced herself to ask, nervous of Sam's answer.

Sam shook his head, curls tossing. "Nothing, babe." They walked in silence to his car and got in. As he backed it up Ella fiddled with the radio, flipping through channels until she found a song she liked. She stole a glance his way. He was smiling and moving to the music. So are things different now? He doesn't look any different. He isn't acting differently. Am I? She felt like everything had changed but she couldn't see where those changes were. It was confusing. She wanted to know how Sam felt but was too shy to ask. Would that be stupid? She glanced at him again. This time he caught her and flashed a bright smile. He took his hand from the steering wheel and squeezed her leg. She sighed and leaned back against the seat. Stop worrying, she scolded herself, just enjoy it.

When Ella got home she went up to her room. She was reading a textbook when there was a knock on her open door. She looked up and was surprised to see Charlie standing in the doorway, his hands in his pockets. His head was bowed but he looked at her from under his eyebrows and spoke. "Hey."

"Hey, Charlie. Don't you ever go home?" Ella said with a laugh. He smiled and stepped in. The rules didn't apply to Charlie. If her parents caught Sam—or, really, any other boy—in her bedroom, they'd have a fit, but there were no such boundaries for Charlie in their home. There never had been. He perched on the edge of her desk and crossed his arms, watching his toes dig at the floor. His face was pinched and a frown tipped his eyebrows down as if he were arguing with himself, or searching for something. Ella waited, his hesitation making her nervous. With a sigh he started. "About the other night..." He looked up. She smiled to encourage him. "I think Sam got the wrong idea. I hope he didn't—"

"Don't worry about Sam, he's just weird about some things," Ella interrupted.

"Oh, I'm not worried about him." She winced at the edge in his voice. He sighed and continued more softly. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay. We were all drinking and..." His voice waned but his eyes stayed locked on hers.

Ella smiled. "That's sweet, Charlie, but I'm a big girl. I don't need a babysitter."

"No. But you do need someone to treat you right." His voice carried a poorly veiled threat. He watched her. She didn't know what to say. "Anyways," he continued, standing up, "I just wanted to make sure I didn't piss you off. Oh, and your mom says supper's ready, Lassie."

"Keep calling me that and I will sic my boyfriend on you," Ella said as she punched his arm, pushing past him to head down to the kitchen.

❊❊❊

**Katherine struggled into the** kitchen loaded down with too many grocery bags. Danny took four from her right hand and she laid the rest on the floor. "Hey, Kat?" he began. "Do we have anything next Saturday?"

She turned to glare at him and then nodded to the wall where a large calendar hung. Most of the squares were marked with her careful block letters. It was an ongoing fight to manage their schedule; she kept trying to get him to use the calendar while he insisted on asking her. "I don't know," she said icily. "Check it out."

Danny stepped closer and studied the calendar under knit brows. Then he turned, picked a pen up from the counter and with great flourish wrote something that took up the whole of Saturday's square with his large, messy scrawl. "What are you doing?" she asked. When he shrugged and returned to the groceries, Katherine stepped over the bags and went to the calendar herself. She could barely make out his illegible scratches on Saturday's square: Training. "What's this?" she demanded, putting her finger on the word.

Danny raised his eyebrows. "What's what?" When she glared at him he stepped back over the bags and came to her side. He leaned in close to the calendar, adjusting invisible glasses on his nose. She sighed and rolled her eyes, not quite suppressing the smile playing on her lips.

Danny touched the same square, brushing the length of her finger with his own. He looked from his writing to her eyes and, in a serious tone, asked, "That?"

"Yes, that!"

"Oh." He looked at it again. "That says 'train-ing,'" he enunciated, which earned him a punch in the side. "Ow! I'm not telling you now." He returned to the groceries and started putting items in the fridge. Katherine sighed again and blocked his path. "Excuse me, please," he asked.

"I'm sorry, okay? Can you please tell me what the word 'training' on our calendar means?"

"Well, typically 'training' is an opportunity in which someone participates in a learning process to obtain a new set of skills relevant to an important task or interest." Danny's eyes laughed. He caught Katherine by the elbow before she could storm away. "In this instance it refers to the government-provided and required class for prospective adoptive parents."

"What? I thought they were booking into February?"

"I forgot my phone this morning and had a chance to swing by and get it at lunch. They called while I was here and I was the first from their cancellation list to answer the phone." He laughed when Katherine threw herself at him in a hug. "You know what this is, Kat? Our first break!"

❊❊❊

**Ella didn't have time** alone with Sam until the following weekend. Between schoolwork and basketball they were both too busy, and lunches were crowded. After supper that Saturday, she watched out the front door for him to pick her up for an early show.

"Ella. Ever hear 'a watched pot never boils?'" her father said, entering the kitchen. She turned around and stuck her tongue out at him.

"I'm not dating a pot, Daddy."

"You know, when I was dating it was rude for a boy to honk his horn in the street. It was proper for him to come to the door, make pleasant conversation with a girl's parents, perhaps even stay for tea."

Ella rolled her eyes. "Maybe 'cause when you were dating they didn't have horns on the horse-drawn carriages."

"Careful, daughter, I have the authority to change your curfew!" She laughed, but he frowned. "I haven't seen Alex or Karen here in ages. Everything okay with them?"

She tried to keep her voice casual. "Yeah, 'course. I see them every day at school."

"You see Sam every day at school too."

Outside a horn beeped twice, and Ella was relieved for the interruption.

"Bye, Daddy. Love you," she said, giving him a quick hug around the neck.

"Bye, sweetheart. Be careful," she heard him call behind her.

Ella jumped into the car and leaned over to plant a kiss on Sam's waiting lips. Pulling back, she grinned and put her seatbelt on. He hit the gas and pulled out into the street. "What if we skip the movie tonight, babe? I'd rather just hang out. Let's go back to my place? I'm sure there's a game on." Ella wasn't interested in watching a game, but she was just happy to be with Sam so she agreed.

At Sam's house they filled two bowls with chips—dill pickle and all-dressed—and poured two tall glasses of Diet Coke. They were loading it all into their arms when Sam's mother appeared in the dining room doorway.

"I thought you guys went out to a movie?"

"We were going to but there was nothing playing that we really wanted to see." Sam shrugged. "We're just going to watch a game instead."

"Sounds good. I'll be upstairs watching my shows. Ella, make yourself at home." With a smile, Sam's mother disappeared through the dining room and up the stairs.

Sam led the way down the narrow basement steps and placed the bowls of chips on the coffee table in front of the couch. He turned to take the glasses from Ella and set them beside the bowls, then picked up the remote and started flipping through the channels. Ella flopped on the couch. Settling on a hockey game, Sam slipped onto the couch beside her and put his arm around her shoulders. "Good?"

Ella snuggled in closer to his side and sighed. "Mmm-hmm."

He kissed the top of her head. "Mmm-hmm," he agreed.

Later, as the game went to intermission, Sam squeezed Ella's shoulders and kissed her crown again. She looked up and he leaned in to kiss her lips. Within moments they were stretched out on the couch. Her breath was fast and her thoughts were wild, a skirmish of arguments raging in her mind. The same small voice in her brain whispered Stop! but her body screamed to keep going. She felt him press against her, which excited and terrified her at the same time. When Sam's hand slipped past to the waist of her jeans into her underwear, she rolled off the couch away from him and paced across the room. She zipped up her jeans and straightened her shirt, ran her hands through her hair and tied it back with her wrist elastic.

"Dammit, Ella, what's wrong?" Sam sat up on the couch, rubbing his face.

Ella winced as if she'd been slapped. Her mind was uncertain and her words fell out of her muddled thoughts. "I dunno, I just don't think we should. I'm not ready."

"You were ready last weekend." He looked up at her with a nasty smile.

"Yeah, well, I think maybe that was a mistake ... it just seems too fast. I need time."

"A mistake? And what I said—was that a mistake too?" His voice stung and tears pricked at her eyes.

"No." Ella felt small. "I mean, not if you really feel that way. I mean, I think I love you too." She looked up at Sam but he was staring at his wringing hands. She couldn't read his thoughts. "I'm sorry, Sam, I don't know what's wrong with me. I just ... can't."

"You're sorry? What kind of fucking game are you playing? You can't just give it up and then take it away." He stood and stalked towards the stairs.

Desperation burned in her chest. "Wait! Where are you going?"

Sam turned and narrowed his eyes at her. "I'm taking you home." He turned his back and stormed up the stairs. She had nothing left to do but follow.

The drive was silent. When Sam pulled up to Ella's house he sat still, staring out the windshield with his hands clenching the steering wheel. Ella's voice cracked when she spoke. "Can't we talk about this?"

Sam stared straight ahead. "That's all we do. I'm sick of talking." Ella turned and got out of the car before her tears fell. Gravel hit her legs as he sped away.

Ella slipped through the door and into the kitchen, relieved no one was there. Her mother called from the family room. "Ella? Is that you? You're home early. Come watch this movie with us, it's just starting."

Ella swallowed and took a deep breath to steady her voice. "I'm not feeling well, so we came home. I'm going to bed."

She almost made it to her room when her mother appeared at the bottom of the stairs. Ella stopped to listen but didn't turn around. "Goodnight, honey. I hope you feel better in the morning." Ella closed her bedroom door behind her, stepped out of her clothes and pulled on an old T-shirt. Then she climbed into bed with her small stuffed puppy tucked under her chin and cried herself to sleep.

**Ella woke with a** start and sat up straight, unsure of what she had heard. Her window was dark; her alarm clocked showed it was just after four in the morning. Her phone rang again. She found her jeans on the floor and pulled it out of the pocket. The caller ID showed Sam's smirk, and her stomach clenched.

"Hello?"

"Hi, babe." Sam sounded sad and far away.

"Hi." Ella's voice cracked.

"Look, I'm sorry. I don't know why I ... I just..." He sounds so serious.

"Me too," Ella whispered then took a deep breath. "But I can't change my mind. Not right now, anyway."

"I do love you. That wasn't a mistake. If you wanna wait ... well, I'll wait."

"Really?" The knot in her stomach started to loosen.

"Yeah, if I need to." Sam sounded as hurt as she felt. "Ella, gimme another chance?"

"Of course, Sam. I was so scared you wouldn't want to talk to me again."

"Go back to sleep, babe."

Ella wiped her eyes and lay back down. "I don't want to hang up. I don't want you to go."

"I'm not going anywhere."

❊❊❊

" **Want me to drop** you off?" Danny offered as they drove into the parking lot, wipers swatting at something between rain and snow.

"No, park. I'll go with you." Katherine would rather brave the weather than enter a room full of strangers alone. He pulled into the closest spot and they ran from the car into the building. "Gross," she complained, lowering her hood.

The lobby was empty, but a sign directed them down the hall. Just inside the room they were met by a tall black woman with long braids who introduced herself as Marlo. She welcomed them with a big smile and asked them to find their name tags. Danny took Katherine's from the page and stuck it to his shirt, holding the one that read Danny out for her. Marlo laughed politely, if not sincerely, as Katherine took the sticker off his shirt and put it on her own. They settled into two seats behind a long table.

Katherine stole furtive glances around the room. She was amazed at the diversity. There were nine other people, most of them sitting in pairs. All these people with different lives had come together in search of one common goal. She blinked, surprised by the sudden wetness of her eyes. Maybe she and Danny were not so alone.

Five minutes past the start time, Marlo stood in the front of the room and asked for their attention. "Thank you for coming today. Remember, we have a confidentiality policy, so what's shared in this room must remain here, including names. I'm hoping this can be an interactive session with lots of discussion. We'll be together twice a week for five weeks, so I hope we'll get to know each other and you'll enjoy this part of the process in becoming parents. Let's start by going over the outline so you know what this is all about."

Katherine felt a thrill at being active in the process. As much as she resented having to take a course, they were one step closer to their end goal. She reached over to take Danny's hand and settled in for the session.

❊❊❊

**Ella hated November. She** grieved the fall weather as it turned cold. By the middle of the month, the leaves were off the trees, making a dirty, slippery mess on the roadsides and sidewalks. The stress of midterm exams piled on top daily basketball practice and rumours of scouts at the games. Staying up late at night to study or talk to Sam left her in a fog of fatigue.

Hunched over her desk, Ella was too tired to study any more. There wasn't enough room in her brain for another history fact anyway. She checked the clock. Ten. Not quite too late to call. Alex answered on the third ring. "How goes the studying?" Ella asked, and she smiled when Alex groaned. "Me too," she commiserated. "At least we have three more nights."

"Yeah, funny. You do know the test is on Wednesday, right?"

"No, it's on the eighteenth. I have it written right here, I'm looking at it."

"Wednesday is the eighteenth. You know, after the seventeenth, which is tomorrow because today is the sixteenth. Simple math, Ella—good thing the exam is on history!"

Incredulous, Ella glanced at her school planner. "Shit, you're right. I thought today was the fourteenth. How did I lose two days?"

She could hear Alex's smile in her voice. "Uh-oh, that's not good. Did you get hit too hard in today's game?"

"Damn. I was going to quit, but now I should do another chapter. Good thing I called you, huh? What would I do without you?"

"Well, fail history for starters," Alex laughed. "Happy studying. See you tomorrow."

Ella sighed as she hung up and flipped through her history notes. She'd have to cram to fit it all in. At least history was easy. If it had happened with her math exam she'd be sunk.

November sixteenth. The date flashed in her mind, sparking a cascade of associative thoughts. November sixteenth. Frowning, Ella opened the app on her phone with the ridiculous daisy and read: Projected Start Date is Nov 13.

Shit, I must be wrong. She swiped back to October and found the first of the pink triangles on the seventeenth. She counted forward from that date and reached the thirteenth. A second count landed on the thirteenth again. Her stomach surged to her mouth and she swallowed it back down. A knock at her door startled her and she turned to see her mother in the doorway. "How goes the studying, sweetheart?"

Ella felt stunned and stumbled to find the answer. "Uh, alright."

"What's wrong? You look upset." Her mom left the doorway to come sit on the bed. Ella was sure her mother could read her thoughts like she was on Wikipedia.

"I just talked to Alex and realized my history midterm is Wednesday. I thought it was Friday ... I'm just stressed about it." That too.

"Oh dear, I guess you'd better be more careful keeping your dates straight. Well, you still have time and you know what you have to do. You'll pull it off." Her mother smiled and stood up, kissing her forehead on the way to the door. "But make sure you find some time to get some sleep too, okay? Studying won't do you any good if you're exhausted."

"I'm only going to do a little more." At least that was true.

"G'night, honey. Sleep tight."

As soon as her door was closed, Ella reached for the phone, unsure who to call. Not Sam, no way. Alex? She'd be sympathetic, but would she know what to do? But Karen would. Ella hit speed dial. She could feel her heart pounding against her ribs. Her upper arms burned with anxiety.

"Hey, what's up?" Karen answered.

"I'm late," Ella said. The knot in her middle pulled tighter as she spoke the words aloud.

"Huh? Late for what?"

"Late late." She waited for Karen to catch on; it only took a moment.

"Oh ... oh! Are you sure? Maybe you miscounted? Maybe you're remembering wrong."

"No, Karen. I have that app. I even counted myself. I should have started yesterday at the latest ... even as early as Friday."

"Shit, Ella."

"What do I do?" Ella's resolve to keep it together was waning. Her hands started to shake.

Karen took charge. "I've got mom's car tomorrow. At lunch we'll go out and get a test. No sense worrying about it until you know for sure. You've been stressed about school and spending hours in the gym ... maybe your body is just messed up from all that."

That must be it. Ella clung to Karen's answer. She knew menstrual cycles could be affected by any one of those factors alone. Just because she had been pretty regular in the past didn't mean it couldn't change. "Thanks Karen, I'm sure that's it ... I was freaking for a minute there."

"Hey girl, what are friends for? I have to get back to this math. It's due tomorrow and I'm nowhere near finished."

Ella hung up feeling relieved. She blew out the breath she had been holding and closed her books. I can't concentrate anymore anyway.

**The next morning Ella** met Karen at their lockers with good news. "Hey, guess what? False alarm. I started this morning. Guess you know everything, right?"

That afternoon Ella was anxious to get out to the gym. The week had been horrible: she was sure she'd failed her history test on Wednesday and the team had lost badly that night. She'd spent Thursday at home with the flu. She didn't feel much better but couldn't stand to stay home another day. She couldn't wait to get out on the floor for a relaxed shooting session.

She pushed through the door and jogged to the ball rack at centre court. Compelled by superstition, she touched a few balls with her fingertips until she found one that "felt" right and scooped it up, taking it to an empty basket. Ella had a routine: three shots from each box, three shots from each elbow, three shots from the foul line; layups, right then left. With the rhythm of her pattern, the week was soon forgotten.

"Ella, got a minute?" Coach waited for her under her net and smiled when she approached. "You're doing well. You've really stepped up this year as a leader on the team. I've been talking to a few universities who are interested in seeing what you have to offer." Ella concentrated on keeping her jaw off the floor, closing her mouth as her heard her mother's voice whispering in her mind, something about catching flies. "You shouldn't be so surprised. You're good. Really good."

"Thanks, Coach." Coach's eyes flashed and he took a breath, opened his mouth and closed it again. She sensed a "but" coming.

"But lately I get the feeling that your head isn't always in the game. I want you to appreciate the opportunity you have here. Set your priorities and work towards your goals. If basketball isn't a priority, that's fine. But you certainly have the chance to play if that's what you want to do. Whatever it is you want to accomplish, you need to focus."

"'Kay, Coach, I got it. Thank you."

"Don't sell yourself short, kid, you're stronger than you think." Ella met his eyes and saw his sincerity. "That's all I've got. Go shoot."

Dismissed, Ella turned back and saw Alex shooting at a basket across the gym. Ella put the ball down and dribbled it as she jogged over.

"Hey, Alex," she called as she passed to lay the ball up.

"Hey, what did Coach want?"

Ella shrugged. "He wanted to remind me that the scouts are coming to games."

Alex stopped before her shot and turned to face her. "That's awesome! Did he say what schools have been watching?"

"No, he didn't give specifics, just reminding me to keep my head in the game. He thinks I've been distracted lately."

"Oh, is that what you call it?" Alex looked over her shoulder to where Sam was shooting with some of the other senior boys. "I guess he could be considered distracting."

Ella grinned and felt heat in her cheeks. "He is that."

The girls shot in relaxed silence. Ella replayed her conversation with Coach in her head. Stronger than you think, he had said. She often doubted herself. She'd study for hours and still go into an exam worried she'd fail, but she never did. Until Wednesday. She practiced hard and played hard, but when Coach set up a play involving her she was always scared she'd screw it up. She often felt like she was struggling to be just "good enough." She wondered if she was good enough for Sam too. She was still kind of surprised that Sam Cleveland wanted to be with her.

Dammit, Ella, didn't Coach just tell you to focus? With a deep breath, Ella moved to the foul line and brought her mind back to her shot. It didn't matter if it was practice or game, home or away, close score or blow out, the foul shot was the same. Same distance, same height, same ball. It was ridiculous that players could get to the professional level without nearly perfect shot percentages from that line.

Ella knew she could focus on priorities. She wanted to play university ball, even though she had no idea what to study. I've just got to work hard and keep my mind on the floor. She had this shot, she just needed to take it.

❊❊❊

**Katherine was laughing so** hard she couldn't catch her breath or see through her tears. Danny continued with his impersonation, his voice foolish and deep. "Yes, well, um, I'm, you know, a lawyer so I'm very important. So with all of my, um, you know, legal expertise, I'm just wondering how much faster we'll be matched, um, you know, compared to these unimportant people—the poor, stunned fools."

"Danny, stop. That's mean!" Katherine wiped her eyes and tried to regain some composure.

"And, um, just how much kissing of the ass is required, um, to be the type of, you know, um, parent you are looking for?"

Katherine hit him across the arm. "Stop!" Danny glanced away from the road to smile at her. She took a deep breath and blew it out. She felt a little guilty about the pattern they had fallen into after their classes. Once back in the privacy of their car they'd start comparing notes on the class: "Can you believe he said that?" or "What was she thinking?" Katherine was quite certain that if their adoption plan failed it would be karma coming back on them. But she loved to laugh with Danny.

"What do you think they say about us?" She grinned at him now.

"What could they say?" Danny's voice was brazen. "Except that they're probably wondering how a guy like me is with a hot fish like you."

"I'm a fish?"

Danny winked. "Yeah. You're a great catch!" She groaned.

"Hey, that was a good one." Katherine rolled her eyes and gazed out the window.

"Where'd you go?" Danny asked after a few moments.

"Thinking."

"About what?"

Katherine shrugged then turned to face him. "You know how everyone kept saying things like 'It'll happen when it's supposed to?'"

"Yeah. You know how we kept saying that was garbage?"

She nodded. "But what if it's true? What if we aren't supposed to be parents, and that's why we never got pregnant? What if we're tempting fate?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Katherine."

She sighed. "What if we didn't get pregnant because we'd make terrible parents?"

"Not possible." Danny shook his head.

"How do you know? We might really suck at it!"

Danny laughed and she glowered at him. "Okay, we might. We might suck," he said. "We might be the worst parents a kid could ever have. Maybe he'll have years of expensive therapy to undo all of our mistakes. But we'll love that kid, won't we?"

Katherine nodded.

"As long as he knows that, everything else will work out. We might be rotten parents but we'll be his rotten parents."

"His?" Katherine asked.

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure he's a boy."

"You are, are you?" Danny nodded. "And how are you so sure?"

"I just sense these things. Besides, I'll never survive being outnumbered if he's a she."

#  DECEMBER

" **Whatcha thinking about, Kat?"** Danny asked, reaching across the console to rest his hand on her knee as they drove away from the training session.

Katherine smiled at him. She was thinking about the class they had just left as she looked out the window, seeing nothing of the buildings flying past. "Just that I hadn't thought of it like that before."

"Ah, I see. Except ... what like what?"

Katherine looked down at her hands. "About everyone losing something in an adoption. I mean, we'll be getting a baby. I didn't think of it much beyond that. Of course I know the losses we've had to get to this point, but I never really saw that as part of this process. And I guess I knew someone had to give the baby up, but I just assumed that would be what the mother wanted. I certainly didn't think the baby would be losing a family. I don't know if I want to be responsible for that. I guess I just figured we'd be the parents and the baby would be happy enough that that the past wouldn't matter." She watched Danny's face for a reaction. He was looking out the windshield but threw a smile her way. "Now that makes me feel kinda selfish. And really not ready to be a mom."

"Our baby will be ours, Kat, and you will be the greatest mom. But who he is will be defined partly by where he's come from." Danny spoke with a calm certainty that quieted her anxiety a little. "I think it'll be important to remember as he gets older. We'll have to do our best to respect his first family, because it'll be part of who he is."

"He still?" Danny smiled as Katherine squeezed his hand on her knee. "How'd you get to be so smart?"

"That there's my edjumacation," Danny grinned. "Now, the serious issue of the night is Chinese or pizza?"

❊❊❊

**As Ella approached she** swallowed a groan. Karen was wrapped around Jake and blocking Ella's locker. There was no way to get to it but through them.

"Hey, guys," she said.

"Ah, I guess I should go," Jake said, not moving. Karen gave him a kiss and a push as he laughed.

"Aw. Parting is such sweet sorrow." Ella faked a gag. "Oops, I just threw up a little in my mouth."

Karen glared at her then laughed and shrugged. "What can I say? He's a good kisser, among other things." Ella rolled her eyes as she rooted through her locker for the right books. "Hey," Karen said. "Do you have plans for Friday?"

"Um, nope, not yet ... what are you thinking?" Ella fixed her lock and tugged to make sure it was closed.

"It's been too long since our last girls' night in. Let's dump the boys and you and Alex come spend the night at my place. We could watch that scary movie we missed in the theatre."

"Sounds perfect. I'll mention it to Alex in math class." The bell went, warning students in the hall that they were running late. "Crap! See you at lunch!" Ella called as she raced to class.

The day seemed to take forever. Ella felt nauseous at lunch and couldn't eat, and by last class she was struggling to stay awake. When the bell rang she gathered her books and rushed to her locker to collect her gear. Their playoff game started a half hour after dismissal. Since Coach's chat about priorities Ella had done everything she could to focus in the gym. She had pushed harder on every drill, even when the extra exertion made her feel sick. She showed up early and stayed late to practice shooting. She could feel it, too. By the end of practices she was more winded than ever before. But her game felt great. Her stats were up for shots taken and points per game. She just hoped the people who counted were noticing.

As the team captain ran the warm-up, Ella concentrated: basic mechanics, form and follow-through. She rehearsed plays in her mind. She watched the opponents as they warmed up and tried to find weaknesses, like hand preference or poor shooting. She even repeated corny mantras about success, happy no one else could hear.

The referee blew his whistle and sent the teams to their benches while the team captains went to centre court. Ella sipped some water and glanced to her friends in the stands. Playoffs always came with heightened intensity and bigger crowds. Sam was sitting in the middle of his friends. Most of the boys were laughing and a couple nudged him when they saw her looking. Sam blushed and smiled at her. Charlie sat to the side, glaring at Sam. When Sam caught his stare he shrugged and smothered a laugh with his hand. Ella had just enough time to wonder what it was all about before the captain came back to the bench. As Coach called her name with the starting five, Ella brushed off the scene she had just witnessed and pulled her head back into the game.

By the closing minutes of the first half, Ella was already spent. The game was close and the intensity was high. She felt like she was drowning as she worked to get open for a pass. Finally open at the top of the key, she caught the ball and turned to shoot. The ball rolled off her fingers and she yelled "Off! Off!" Sure enough, the shot fell well short. Alex rebounded and shot it again. It went in with a cheer from the stands.

Ella had to push herself to hustle back on defence. She stumbled but caught herself and reset into her stance, shadowing her opponent and watching the ball. After four sharp passes, Ella's player caught the ball just outside of the key and set to shoot. Ella jumped up to block her but the player put the ball on the floor instead, stepped around her and drove to the basket, scoring two. Ella swore under her breath and suddenly realized she was going to puke. She ran to the bathroom, hearing Coach's bewildered voice yell, "Timeout!" from the bench.

"Ella?" Alex's voice came from the doorway. "You okay?"

"Yeah!" Ella pushed herself up from the toilet and flushed her lunch. She splashed her face with water from the sink and swished her mouth as clean as she could.

Coach was giving instructions when Ella returned to the bench. "Doing good, girls, doing good. Take a minute to catch your breath." His eyes turned to Ella. "You okay, Parker?" She nodded but he said, "Sit, get ready to go in after half." She couldn't decide in her weariness if she was relieved or annoyed to be benched.

Ella felt stronger in the second half but was sucking in air by the fourth quarter. Familiar voices from the stands gave her an extra push. Her team was down by nine, with time slipping away. Their opponents were undefeated and had beaten them by over twenty points earlier in the season, but Ella always held fast to her faith in the underdog. Even in the last moments she kept pushing, hoping to catch their defence overconfident.

She took the ball from the ref behind the baseline. Holding it over her head, she slapped it hard and yelled, "Break!" sending four girls scurrying apart into predetermined places. Sara was covered by two green jerseys, meaning someone else was open. Ella found Abby up at the wing and pushed a sharp bounce pass into her hands. Abby tossed it up for two.

Ella slapped her hands together and looked for her opponent on defence. She stared straight ahead, keeping her player and the ball in opposite ends of her peripheral vision. Ella followed her around the key, staying between her and the ball. The point lobbed it over her head. Ella jumped a second too late and her opponent caught the ball behind her. Turning as she shot, Ella blocked with both hands, knocking the ball backwards.

A whistle came from behind Ella. She turned to glare in disbelief at the ref who pointed at her and signed, 'block.' She shook her head as the stands heckled the ref and Coach yelled, "All ball! All ball!" It was Ella's fifth foul; she was out of the game. Resigned, Coach sent in a timid-looking tenth grader to replace her.

While the other team celebrated at centre court, Ella's team filed into the locker room without speaking. "Nobody start changing," Coach yelled through the door behind them. "I'm coming in in two minutes." Ella sat beside Alex on the bench in their usual corner and glanced around the room. A few of the younger girls were whispering to each other but most of the players sat looking at their feet, their faces set in disappointment. With another knock Coach yelled, "I'm coming in, girls!" then walked through the door.

He stood in front of them for a minute and looked at each player. "I don't know what's wrong with you all," he started, and Ella looked up. Did we suck that bad? "There is no reason for you to be sitting here sulking. That was one hell of a game. Probably your best of the season. You came out knowing the deck was stacked against you and left everything out there on the court. There's nothing more I could have asked of you." As Coach glanced around the room, his eyes met Ella's and she forced a feeble smile. "For those of you who are done this year," he nodded at Sara and a few of the other seniors, "I'm sorry you had to go out on a loss, but you had a great season. I'm proud of you. Returning players, remember this game. Work on your skills and come back in September hungry to win." He winked, and Ella felt like it was meant for her. "That's it. Stop pouting and get dressed." Coach turned and swept out of the room. For a minute after he left it was quiet, then, as if released from a sentence, the girls started talking and laughing. Ella and Alex grinned at each other. Next year will be awesome.

Karen was waiting for Alex and Ella in the hall when they left the locker room. "Great game! Too bad the rest of the team sucked!" Ella shushed her and they headed down the hallway, but were stopped by Coach's booming voice calling "Ella." She turned and walked back to where he stood.

"Excellent game, kid. You've worked hard and it showed." He beamed and she felt the colour rising in her cheeks. "You certainly stepped up after our talk. I'm glad. What are your plans for the off-season?"

"I'm gonna play in the community league that runs until June."

"That's good. Also keep your eyes open for the university camps. They are good for skill development and for getting playing time in front of some important people. Make the most of the next year, Ella."

Ella felt a mix of pride and responsibility and didn't know what to say. "Um, thanks Coach ... for everything." She cursed the break in her voice.

"Hey, it's my job." Coach brushed her off, but his blinking eyes betrayed him.

❊❊❊

**Katherine was fuming. The** conversation had started casually then turned ugly.

"I'm just not ready," she repeated.

Danny sighed and she suspected he was concentrating on looking at her so he wouldn't roll his eyes. "Not ready for what? Their support? Their interest?"

"Oh, don't turn it on me. You know that's not all we'd get from them."

Lately the discussion about when to tell their parents about the adoption had come up more often. Until now, Danny had accepted Katherine's firm "No, not yet" without much comment, but today he was pushing back.

Katherine didn't want to hear their parents' reactions. It had been hard enough to hear their opinions over the years they'd been trying to conceive. Her mother had said it might be a good thing they didn't have children since Katherine was so busy with work. Her father was sure that if she would just relax, "the problem will just solve itself." Danny's mother had talked about babies who would look "just like Danny" and share all his adorable baby traits and took any chance she could to show Katherine his baby pictures, as if trying to convince her that having his children would be worth the effort. His father had been against their medical procedures. Apparently babies should come naturally, when and if they were meant to; messing with that process was "interfering with God's Holy Plan." She had no idea if God's Holy Plan included adoption. She didn't want to find out.

"They'll support us, Katherine, you know that. It may take them some time to come around but they'll be there when we need them." Danny seemed blind to all of the frustrations she had with their parents, and it drove her crazy dealing with it alone.

"Well, we don't need them yet."

"So when exactly do you want to tell them?" Katherine could tell that Danny's patience was gone. She knew she was being unfair but she held her resolution like a talisman.

"When the baby's ten?" Katherine's attempt to diffuse the tension with humour backfired. Danny glared at her and set his jaw.

"Never mind," he growled and left the room.

Alone in their bedroom, Katherine sat in regret. She hated fighting with Danny. It happened so infrequently that she could never get used to it. She mulled over her hesitance to tell their parents and wondered how much her reluctance really had to do with them. Regardless of their parents' opinions, she had no doubt that all four of them would come to love any baby she and Danny loved. Their reactions would be temporary. If they were her true concern, it made sense to just get it over with. And yet...

Twenty minutes later Danny knocked on the door.

"It's Alejandro, the pool boy," he drawled in a poor Spanish accent.

Katherine giggled in spite of herself. "Go away, Alejandro, my husband is just downstairs." The door opened anyway and Danny stepped into the room. She sat up on the bed, giving him room to sit beside her. He took her hand in his and gave it a squeeze.

After a few moments of quiet he asked, "Should we try this again?" She nodded and took a deep breath. "Why don't you want to tell them?"

The words were out of her mouth before she could formulate the thought. "It makes it real, and what if it doesn't happen?"

Danny took his empty hand, rested his fingers on Katherine's jaw and rubbed her wet cheek with his thumb. "I'm scared too. But it already is real. We're moving forward and it could be the perfect answer for us. You can't miss all this time dreaming about it. You're missing too much by hiding."

"But what if it never happens?"

"Okay, so what if it doesn't? What's the worst then? We'd still have us. That's pretty amazing, you know. It's more than lots of people ever have. I know it doesn't seem like it, but we will find a way to make it be enough if it comes to that." He stared at her. "Right now I want you to be with me in this, share it with me. I don't want to do it alone." Katherine opened her mouth to argue she had done everything with him but realized he was right. She had gone through the motions, completing forms and attending meetings, but had been fighting the new hope growing in her. She had pushed it down and told herself she'd acknowledge it only when it was proven true.

"I'm sorry Danny," she whispered. "I didn't realize."

"I know, Kat, I know." He put his arms around her and held her tight. She took a deep breath in his arms and let go.

❊❊❊

**Ella heard the doorbell** and her stomach did a flip-flop. At her father's insistence, she'd told Sam that he was expected to come to the door to pick her up for the winter semi-formal. Sam had rolled his eyes and protested but relented after realizing Ella was serious.

She glanced in the mirror one last time. She had pulled her hair up in a loose knot. Strands fell around her face—she had spent innumerable curses working them into ringlets with the curling iron and hairspray. Her dress was simple: dark blue with spaghetti straps and a fitted bodice that flared at the waist and fell above her knees. She wore silver heels that sparkled when she moved her feet and a sheer silvery wrap for her shoulders. She forced a smile and mumbled, "Good enough," then left her room.

Ella held the railing and descended the stairs, watching one foot follow the other, anxious not to make a crashing entrance into the kitchen. At the bottom she saw her parents and Ben but she concentrated on Sam's reaction. He had never seen her dressed up. He pulled his stunned look into a wide smile as he blinked. "Wow, Ella, you look awesome," he said.

Ella felt her cheeks warm. "Thanks, Sam." She turned from his hungry look to her mother and father, hoping they hadn't noticed.

"Honey, you look wonderful," her mother crowed. "Doesn't she, Doug?" Her father just nodded, his face obscured by his mug.

Ben snickered and said, "I dunno, she looks a little weird to me." But he winked at Ella with a smile. "I've gotta go. I said I'd pick Erin up at eight." He hugged his mother and disappeared out the door.

"Oh no! I didn't get a picture!" her mother said the moment after Ben left. "Well, I'll get one of you two, hold tight." Ella looked at Sam and tried to apologize with her eyes as her mother ran out of the room.

Her father sipped his coffee. "What time are the festivities over?" he asked without looking up.

"Um, I think it ends at midnight. Do you know, Sam?"

Sam nodded and agreed. "Yeah, midnight."

"And your plans afterwards?" her father pushed. Ella swallowed the sigh rising in her chest. Ben didn't receive the third degree like this. She wasn't in the mood for a fight.

"Sam will bring me home after, right?" Sam nodded again, his jaw set.

Ella's mother burst back into the kitchen, waving at her and Sam to stand closer together. "Right then, smile and look happy!" Sam slipped his arm around Ella's back and she smiled up at him, pushing back against his arm, then turned to the camera as her mother set the flash off three or four times in quick succession.

"Enough, Janie, let them go," her father said, taking the camera from his wife. "Have a good time, kids. Ella, I'll expect you by one?" She nodded, surprised by the curfew extension and humbled by his trust in her. She gave her father a quick kiss then followed Sam to his car.

As they entered the gym Ella squinted through the low light to see Karen dancing in a large group of people in the middle of the room. Squeezing Sam's hand and walking the perimeter of the crowd, she scanned the room until she saw Charlie and Ben standing near the bleachers with their dates. Ella didn't know either girl well. Erin was a small, pretty girl in Ben's math class who he had studied with a few times. Charlie had invited the tenth-grader Ella remembered from the Halloween party, Kelly. Her dress was more revealing than her costume had been.

Sam met a couple of his friends and stopped to talk. Ella smiled at them and held his hand but wasn't listening to their chatter. Instead she watched the crowd dancing to the loud music and looked for Alex.

As if conjured up, Alex appeared at her side and grabbed her free arm. "Let's get a drink." Ella nodded, squeezed Sam's hand and let go. He turned and nodded then returned his attention to his friends.

"Sam looks good," Alex said at the back of the gym, where a long table was set up with water and plastic cups.

"Yeah, he does." Ella watched him talk to his friends from afar. "How was the limo ride?"

"Awesome! Sunroof, windows down, music blaring... Look at the pictures!"

Ella looked over Alex's shoulder as she flipped through the pictures on her phone. Sam hadn't wanted to join them for the limo, but seeing the pictures Ella wished she hadn't given up so easily. She looked up and caught Karen waving at them from the dance floor, so she pulled Alex by the arm. "Let's dance!"

The music moved from one popular song to another without missing a beat. Ella felt the bass reverberating in her lungs, guiding her legs and arms. She laughed as her friends fooled around with silly moves and the guys showed off trying to outdo each other.

A slow song interrupted the wild dancing, and couples dispersed. Ella turned back to where Sam had been talking with his friends, but he was gone. Just then someone caught her by the arm and swung her around. "You're not going anywhere," Sam growled with a smirk.

"No?" she asked, trying to keep her face serious as she put her arms on his shoulders.

"Nope. You're stuck with me. Always." He kissed her softly and she shivered. Was it his touch or his words? Ella rested her cheek against the curve of Sam's shoulder and let him move her to the music. She breathed in his sporty-soap smell and marvelled at the softness of his shirt, the twitching of his chest muscles underneath. This is perfect. I hope it's always like this. One slow song melted into another and Ella pushed back enough to look up at him. He laughed. "Nope, still stuck." She kissed him.

After two songs the DJ announced they were speeding things up and put on a favourite oldie with a pounding beat. The students cheered as couples fell back into groups. Sam let go of Ella but held her hand as they joined their friends. Ella found the beat. She caught Ben's eye and he winked at her. Charlie was spinning his date around into the middle of the circle, eyeing her as she moved. If Kelly was intimidated by their group of older students, she didn't show it. Alex and Karen laughed at a whispered joke and resumed dancing with a whoop. Ella was happy. Here, with all of them enveloped in the music, there wasn't a care in their world.

When the music slowed again, Ella couldn't see Sam anywhere. Self-conscious about standing alone, she was headed to the washroom when Charlie stepped in her path. "Hey, Lassie, lost your date?"

"Hey loser, where's yours?"

Charlie scanned the crowd and shrugged. "Washroom, I think. Why do you guys go in packs? You need help or something?"

Ella laughed. "No, that's where we talk about guys. She's probably there complaining that she agreed to come with you."

"Well, as long as we're abandoned together..." Charlie held out his hand in invitation. Ella smiled and took it, following him to the dance floor. He turned to face her and after a moment's hesitation slipped his left hand onto her hip. He started to move her to the music. "You having fun?" he asked above the music.

"I'm having a great time. I'm glad we're all here." Charlie spun her under his arm, making her laugh. "How 'bout you? How's your date with Kelly?"

"Let's just say it's good that it's loud ... she's fun to watch." Ella punched him with her left hand then put it back on his arm. His eyes drifted over her shoulder and his face fell serious, his hands to his sides. "Uh-oh," he whispered just before Ella felt fingers tighten around her left elbow.

Sam stepped between them, gripping Ella so tightly she winced, his eyes on Charlie. "Can I cut in, McKay?" he asked with barbed courtesy.

Charlie held Ella's eyes for the slightest moment and she got the feeling he was waiting for her reaction. Once she forced a smile at Charlie, he flashed Sam a big, insincere grin and stepped back, holding his arms out straight, hands raised to his shoulders. "No problem, Sammy!" he said. Then, with an exaggerated bow swept towards Ella, he added, "Thanks for the dance, Lassie," and turned away into the crowd.

Ella turned to Sam and shook her arm loose. "What the fuck was that?"

Looking abashed, Sam slipped his hands around her middle. "Argh. Sorry, I blew it. But you know I've got a thing about you and him together."

"We were just dancing," Ella said, relaxing into Sam as her anger dissolved with his apology.

"I know. I don't ... it's just ... he makes me crazy." He squeezed her. "Forgive me?"

Ella already had. "Well, I dunno. What are you going to do to make it up to me?"

"I'm not allowed to do what I want to do..." Ella struggled to step out of Sam's arms but they tightened. "Wait! Wait, I'm kidding. I'll stop." She settled back into the dance.

"Just kiss me then," she sighed, and he did.

When the songs sped up, Ella found Alex and Karen reapplying lipstick in the bathroom. She tucked the wisps that had fallen out of the knot behind her ears. The curls were gone, leaving the strands around her face frizzy.

"Hey Ells, what happened between Sam and Charlie?" Karen asked. Ella hadn't realized anyone had seen.

"Nothing. Sam just cut in on our dance."

Karen glanced at Alex then met Ella's eyes in the mirror. "Sam looked mad. Charlie was pissed but he wouldn't tell me what happened."

"Nothing happened," said Ella. They tucked their lipsticks back into their handbags and went to the door. "Charlie rubs him the wrong way, especially when he's around me."

Karen rolled her eyes. "He's jealous. Have you told him Charlie's just a friend?"

"Of course I have. Hundreds of times. He's just weird about it."

Alex frowned, pushing the door open. "He should trust you." Ella went through the door and turned to face Alex and Karen in the hallway. Why can't they just leave this alone?

"He does trust me. He just doesn't like me spending time with Charlie or, apparently, dancing with him." Ella too was confused by Sam's animosity towards Charlie, so she certainly didn't know how to explain it to them.

"You shouldn't put up with that," Alex said.

Ella felt her frustration grow. "Put up with what?"

"Him telling you who you can spend your time with."

Part of Ella knew Alex was right, but a bigger part of her needed to defend Sam. "Ugh, what do you know about relationships anyway—the only guy you'll even look at isn't the least bit interested, and you're too blind to see it." Ella regretted her words as soon as they escaped her lips, but even more so when she saw Alex's eyes shift to something—someone—behind her. Alex pushed past, and when Ella turned to watch her go she saw Ben. She knew from the look on his face that he had heard everything.

"Smooth, Ella," said Ben in an icy voice, turning to follow Alex into the gym. Ella closed her eyes and swore. She glanced at Karen and shook her head, blinking back the tears, but Karen just shrugged and followed them. After taking a moment to reclaim her emotions, Ella pushed through the doors and walked into the dimmed room looking for Sam.

"What's wrong?" he asked when she found him.

Ella struggled to make herself heard over the music. "I'm tired. Can we go?" She was tired. Very tired all of the sudden. Home and bed sounded like a great idea.

"Really? You want to go already?"

Ella nodded. "I can call my dad to pick me up if you want."

Sam hesitated and seemed to consider the option. "Nah, I'll run you home. I can come back after if I feel like it."

The December air was cold but refreshing in Ella's lungs and against her skin. She followed Sam to his car and waited for him to reach across to unlock her door. She sat down and rubbed her hands together. Once he steered out onto the road he asked, "What happened?"

She stared out the windshield trying to answer. What happened? How could I have snapped at Alex like that?

"Babe? You okay?" Sam reached over to touch her hand, bringing her back to the car.

"I guess I had a fight with Alex."

"What about?"

"I dunno. It just happened so fast. I said something really rotten."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Girl drama. Don't worry, she'll get over it." Ella looked out the window again and watched the trees fly by until Sam pulled into her driveway. Parking the car, Sam looked at her and pushed the hair off her shoulder. "Ella," he said softly.

"I'm okay, just tired," she said, touching his hand on her shoulder. She took his hand and kissed his palm. Reaching over, she gave him a kiss and pushed the door open.

Her mother was in the kitchen pouring a cup of tea when Ella went in. "Hey, honey." She glanced at the clock on the stove. "You're home early, everything okay?"

"Yup, Momma, just tired." Ella knew her voice was unconvincing and avoided her mother's studying eye.

She headed to the stairs. "Ella?" When her mother didn't continue, Ella turned. "Want some tea?" She shook her head, feeling that wasn't the question her mother started to ask. "Alright, g'night, sweetheart. Get some sleep."

Ella shed her formal dress, happy to get into her pyjamas, then went into the bathroom to brush her teeth and pee. Still no period. Last month it had been late and light. This month, late again. Obviously her basketball workouts and school stress had her body all out of whack. She was relieved the upcoming Christmas holiday would give her a break. She returned to her room and crawled into bed, moved the stuffed puppy to her bedside table with a pat on his head, then curled up and fell asleep.

When Ella woke the sun was shining through the window and her clock showed it was after ten. She took a deep breath and stretched, enjoying the pull through her sides. She pushed herself up in bed and reached for her phone. There were texts from Karen and Sam. She read Karen's first: T'ED 2 A. TXT ME. She hoped that was good news. She flipped through to Sam's. IMU UR BTFL NN. Sighing, she sent back a text-smile and a row of X's.

She dialled Alex's cell number, but it rang four times then went to voicemail. She hung up without leaving a message. Alex would know she'd called. With a sigh she crawled out of bed and headed to the shower. She stood for a long time under the hot water trying to wake up. When her head started to spin and her stomach felt queasy, she got out and dressed and headed downstairs to find something to eat.

Ben was sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal. "G'morning," he muttered into his bowl as she passed. She opened the fridge door and peered inside, not really seeing anything on the crowded shelves.

"Morning. Did you leave me any milk?"

"Counter," he said, still not looking up. Ella took a bowl from the cupboard and poured cereal, topped it up with milk and dug a spoon out of the drawer. She went to the table and sat across from Ben.

"Well?" she asked.

He looked at her from under raised eyebrows. "Well?"

"Did you talk to Alex last night?" Ella wasn't sure what she hoped to hear.

Ben went back to his cereal, eating a couple of mouthfuls before saying, "Yup."

"And?"

"She's pissed." Ella felt her stomach tighten with guilt. She wished Alex had answered her phone.

"What did she say? What did you say?"

Ben looked up at her. "Listen, don't beat yourself up. I mean, that was a crappy way to find out, but she needed to know. I should've had the balls to do it. That's what I told her."

"You did?" Ella's voice was small.

"Don't worry, she's still plenty mad at you." He was quiet for a moment then added, "You know she's right, though—about Sam?"

Ella looked at her cereal and realized she couldn't eat it. Her stomach lurched and she pushed it away. She knew they were both right, but she didn't want to talk about it. "I called her but she didn't answer."

Ben shrugged. "Hey, let's go shopping. Do you know what to get Mom and Dad for Christmas?"

❊❊❊

**Katherine lay back in** bed, trying to be patient while Danny brushed his teeth in the adjoining bathroom. She'd placed a gift-wrapped box on his pillow for him to find when he came to bed. His parents would be arriving early in the morning and she wanted to give him this gift alone. She heard Danny turn the water off, then his bare feet padding on the floor out of the bathroom. He paused, eyeing the box on the bed, and raised his brows. "What's that?" he asked as if it were a coiled snake.

"A present."

"Ah." He walked to the bed and picked up the small box. "I'll just run this down and put it under the tree."

"This one's for tonight."

"Presents are opened on Christmas Day."

"Except this one. C'mon Danny, live a little. Don't be a nerd. Open the present."

Danny sat on the bed beside her and frowned. "For that, I should leave it until next week." He looked at the present and pulled at the ribbon, then he peeled the taped corners until the wrapping paper came off in one square, untorn sheet. He glanced up from the box at Katherine and then pushed open the lid. He gently fingered the pinkie-sized signet ring inside. The white gold was brushed, giving it a subdued look. The letters "K" and "D" were intertwined in fancy, willowy script on the face. She heard him suck in a breath and hoped it meant he liked it.

"Kat, it's beautiful," he whispered, threading his right pinkie through the hole and looking at the ring on his hand.

"You like?" She held her breath.

"Yes," he said, turning to put both hands on either side of her face. He kissed her. "I like. Very much." Katherine went to her bureau, opened the top drawer and retrieved a brochure the saleslady had given her. She handed it to Danny.

"What's this?" he asked.

"Look." She pointed to his ring on the page, but the one in the brochure had a red stone on one side. She waited, and when he frowned she clarified. "You can add kids' birthstones, you know, like a family ring. I figured it's great the way it is, you know, with our initials, but if—I mean, when—we need to, we can add a stone."

Danny looked from the pamphlet to the ring and back again in a silence for so long Katherine started to worry that he was upset by the idea. But when he looked up at her his eyes were shining and his smile was delighted. "It's perfect."

❊❊❊

**Ella sat up straighter,** trying not to spill the tea she was drinking to settle her stomach. She figured she was coming down with something because she hadn't been able to eat much of their Christmas meal: the usual turkey dinner with vegetables, stuffing, potatoes, gravy, topped off with pie for dessert. It hadn't even smelled right, and when she'd tried to eat her stomach had protested with nausea. But the tea was working and now she lounged in the living room listening to the songs on the new iPod Ben had given her. He and their father were kneeling on the floor hunched over the ottoman, engrossed in a video game. Her mother was several pages into the novel Santa left in her stocking.

Other than the stomach bug, Christmas Day had been perfect. They slept in and then spent the whole morning opening the handful of gifts from each another, one at a time. Their mother confiscated their phones, announcing that there was no contact with the 'outside world' until after supper. When the land line rang several times, she unplugged that too. Initially annoyed, Ella actually enjoyed the time with her family without the distraction. Not that I'll admit it. Instead of texting, they played the new card game and took lazy naps as supper cooked in the kitchen. Supper was punctuated by shared memories of earlier Christmases that left them laughing until they cried. Ella had caught a look flash between her parents that was so full of love she felt like an intruder and had to look away. When dinner was over Ella found nine texts from Sam that made her smile. It really has been the perfect day.

Ella was brought out of her thoughts by a roar she heard over her music. Her father stood up in celebration, pumping his arms as he danced around in a tight circle. Ben tossed the remote in disgust and flopped back on the couch. Ella laughed and pulled the headphones from her ears. "I play the winner!"

The next afternoon, Ella sat fiddling with the ties of her hoodie as Ben navigated the snow-covered streets. The trip had been his idea. He had all but dragged her to the car and locked her in as he drove. She hadn't talked to Alex since the dance over a week ago. She had sent texts and left messages but none had been returned. When she asked Ben what she should do about it, he insisted on driving her to Alex's house. It wasn't really the solution she'd had had in mind.

Ben pulled up in front of Alex's house and ordered her softly, "Go." Ella narrowed her eyes at him and sighed. When she pushed the door open, a gust of cold wind caught it. She clambered out of the car, careful not to slip on the icy curb, and pushed the door closed. Ben locked it behind her, grinning from the driver's seat as if to say There's no turning back now. She trudged up to the front door. It felt weird to ring the doorbell; she was usually welcome to just walk in. It didn't feel right to do that now, so after she heard the chime ring inside, she waited.

She hoped that no one was home; at least then she could say she tried. But it was only a moment before Ella heard shuffling and Alex's little brother swung the door open. She saw Ben drive off out of the corner of her eye and cursed him in her head.

"Alex!" he yelled, stepping back to let Ella come in. Without saying anything to Ella, he disappeared down the stairs to what she knew was the rec room. She stood, awkward and alone.

After a long moment, Alex appeared in the hall. She winced a smile at Ella and waited. "Hey Alex," Ella started, hoping her voice didn't sound as lame to Alex as it did to herself. "I—I was hoping we could talk for a minute."

Alex's hesitation made Ella squirm, but when she nodded Ella kicked off her boots, hung her jacket over the banister and followed Alex down the hall to her bedroom. Alex perched cross-legged on her bed and Ella sat in her desk chair. She forgot everything she'd planned to say.

"Um, I wanted to apologize for what I said at the dance," she stammered, unable to look Alex in the eye. "I've thought a lot about it but I don't know why I said it. I wish I could take it back but I can't, so I was hoping you could forgive me and we could move on?" Ella's voice cracked and she willed herself to keep it together. "Please?" she added softly, forcing herself to look up and meet Alex's eyes.

When their eyes met, Alex looked away. "It was humiliating, you know. It was bad enough you said that but then when I saw Ben right there..."

Ella was nodding as Alex spoke. "I know, I'm sorry."

"I could've died. He heard everything, you know."

"Yeah. I know. I'm—"

"Sorry. I know you're sorry. You only said it like a thousand times on my phone."

Ella chanced a smile at her. "Well, I am."

Alex looked at her for a minute then pulled one side of her mouth into a grin and looked away. "I know you didn't mean it, Ells." She sighed. "I should've called you back. Besides, I guess it's good you told me, now I can stop making a fool of myself."

Ella jumped up from the chair and climbed onto the bed beside her. "You never made a fool of yourself. I didn't know how to tell you or even if I should, but I should never have said it the way I did."

"Well, if I had had the guts to talk to Ben myself, I would have known. He felt pretty bad about it too, didn't he? He's called me a couple of times since."

"Yeah. He practically threw me in the car and drove me over here. I didn't know what to do."

"You've got a good brother there, Ells."

Ella put her arm around Alex. "He's a good friend too. We've all been together too long to mess that up, don't you think?"

Alex knuckled her eyes and rubbed her face hard with the palms of her hands, then turned to face Ella square on. "Enough of that. I haven't talk to you in ages! How was Christmas?"

Ella was relieved at the return of her friend and gave her an impromptu hug before settling back and recounting the week. They talked and laughed for a couple of hours, Ella felt more relaxed than she had in days.

"Ah," Ella said, leaning back against the wall. "I needed this. It feels good just to chill."

"Your vacation doesn't sound very stressful."

"Nah, it's been quiet. I guess it's just taking me a long time to wind down from school and the playoffs. I've been really tired and my body's a mess!" She lowered her voice to a conspiratorial level. "I haven't even had my period this month."

Alex frowned and sat forward. "What? Are you sure you're not pregnant?"

Ella felt her face redden. "No, I told you, we haven't been doing that."

"But you did."

"Yeah, way back in October. And I had my period last month, just not this month. I'm just messed up from stress and gym time."

"If that's true, wouldn't it have started now that you're away from all that?"

The uneasy tone in Alex's voice made Ella nervous. Maybe something is wrong. "I guess so..." All the explanations she had given herself started to slip away. The pit of her stomach felt heavy.

"What are you going to do?"

#  JANUARY

**Ella tucked her face** further into the neck of her jacket, pressing her hands deeper into her pockets and her arms closer to her sides. She shifted from one foot to the other, trying to feel her toes. With her shifting weight, her backpack, heavy with books, fell off her shoulder and slid down her arm. She growled in frustration as she pulled her right hand out of her pocket into the cold to shove the strap back up on her shoulder.

She heard the bus lumbering down the road. "Finally." As soon as the doors folded open Ella stepped up into the bus, revelling in the burst of warm air on her face. She turned down the aisle to her regular seat and Ben slid into the seat behind her, beside Charlie. Sometimes simple consistency provided inexplicable comfort.

"G'morning Parkers," chirped Charlie.

"What's good about it?" Not only was it bitter cold, but it was the first Monday after winter break. Ella figured it was destined to be a pretty rotten day.

"Who pissed in her Cheerios?" Charlie stage-whispered as Ella slumped down in her seat.

"Ah well, you know how Princess feels about mornings," Ben said.

"Right, and Mondays."

"Yup, and winter."

Ella pulled out her new iPod, plugged her ears with the buds and turned the sound up until it drowned their voices. She wiped the condensation from the window and stared, unseeing. The weather was grey and dreary to match her mood. It hadn't snowed in several days, leaving the snow on the ground dirty. She closed her eyes.

She was startled awake by a jolt through the seat back and turned to glare at the guys. Ben pulled on her wire and dislodged her earphones. "Wake up, Sleeping Ugly, we're here."

At her locker, Ella deposited her jacket and traded her boots for sneakers then collected her books. As she was closing the door Alex turned the corner and walked towards her own locker. "Hey, Ells. Gross out there!"

"Gross is right. And our bus was late."

"I can't open this lock, my fingers are so cold." Alex dropped the lock and blew on her hands.

"Lemme," said Ella. She twirled the combination she knew as well as her own and pulled down on the disk, popping the lock open with a snap. As Alex stuffed her coat in her locker and kicked off her boots, Ella leaned back against the locker wall and sighed. "Ugh. Today sucks already."

"I know. I had a wicked time getting up. My bed was just so warm. I slept in all break, I'm going to have a hell of a time getting back on schedule."

"Yeah, me too. And I didn't even stay up that late. I was out cold by ten most nights."

Alex closed her locker and shifted her books on her hip. "C'mon, let's go. No way to avoid the inevitable." Groaning, Ella pushed herself off the lockers and fell into step beside Alex. They walked through the bustling crowd.

In the caf at lunch, Ella stood and looked around at her options to eat. She should've been hungry, but the thought of eating something made her stomach flip. Settling on a banana and a small carton of chocolate milk, she made her purchase and headed to their table. Her friends were sitting and chatting in a subdued manner. No one seemed happy to be back—they weren't even playing cards. Sliding into a chair between Alex and Charlie, Ella split the banana peel and stripped it down, studying the flesh for clinging strands. Charlie bumped her shoulder with his. "Day going any better?" he asked softly.

Ella returned his nudge and shrugged, forcing a smile. "It's alright, just one of those days, I guess. Probably would have been better to stay in bed, you know?"

"I know." Charlie smiled. "Would it make it better if I kicked your ass on the court? The gym's open. Ben and I were gonna go shoot."

"Nah. I think I just want to sit here and wallow in self-pity for a bit. I don't feel that great. Thanks, though."

Charlie shrugged and turned to Ben. "C'mon, Other Parker, let's go if we're going." Ben followed behind Charlie, landing a light tap on Ella's head as he passed. She frowned and ran a hand through her hair to smooth it down.

"Hey, Ella," Alex asked in a whisper. "It's been over a week, did you start yet?"

She hesitated but there was no way to avoid answering. "No, not yet." She glanced around to make sure no one else at the table was listening.

"Well, what are you going to do?"

Ella shrugged, staring at her banana. "I feel kinda silly going to the doctor for this. She'll just tell me I've been too busy, too stressed. I've read that lots of athletes skip their periods when they're training. I know I'm not that kind of athlete, but it was pretty intense at the end of the season, right?"

"Why don't you take a pregnancy test—rule that out and then go to the doctor?"

"Shh! Alex! I'm not pregnant. I told you we haven't since Halloween and I had my period after that. If I were pregnant I'd feel pregnant." Ella wished her voice sounded a little less frantic.

"I've heard that you can get a period when you're pregnant, though..." Alex whispered.

I hadn't thought of that.

"But we only did it that one time." Ella's head was starting to spin. She felt sick.

Alex rolled her eyes. "C'mon, Ella. You know as well as I do that it only takes—"

"What's all this whispering about?" Sam interrupted.

Ella forced a smile. "Nothing that concerns you." She hoped her voice sounded playful. "Where've you been? I haven't seen you all day." He slid into the seat across from her and she reached over the table to take his hand.

"I got called back into Mrs. Morley's room. She's," Sam switched to a mimicking tone, "'concerned about my grades in math.' Whatever. Fifty's a pass. Hey, I saw your brother and Chuckles in the gym. I'm surprised you're not with them."

Ella glowered at him. "I didn't feel like it. Besides, I'm not done my lunch." She waved at the three bites of the banana she had left after picking at it.

Sam smiled and squeezed her hand. "Ah, good riddance then."

Ella sensed Alex stiffen beside her and stand. "Well, I'm going to go join Ben and Charlie after all. Ells, I have Mom's car today if you want to go shopping after school." Alex's gaze was determined.

"Ah yeah, sounds good," Ella sighed, looking up at her. She had been wrong: today had gotten worse.

When Alex parked the car at the mall after school, Ella hesitated, turning her head against the headrest. "This is probably just a waste of time and money."

"Probably." Alex nodded, but she opened her door anyway.

Ella clenched her teeth and pushed her door open, stepping out of the small car. "What if someone we know is in there? What if someone my parents know is in there?" Shit.

"Tell them it's for a friend," Alex said over her shoulder, walking ahead.

With a roll of her eyes, Ella caught up and they shuffled across the slippery parking lot. She had a feeling that Alex would not let her leave the store without accomplishing their mission. She'll probably insist on watching me pee on it too. She followed Alex through the aisles to the pharmacy. When they came to the display of tests, the multitude of options was overwhelming. "Any look good to you?" Alex asked, as if they were choosing a movie.

"None of them look good," Ella said. She looked over the coloured boxes of smiling women holding plastic sticks. Why isn't there a box showing a terrified teen? Then again, none of the boxes showed the results the women were gleaming about. Maybe they're all negative and the women are relieved and celebrating. She reached for the closest box and wrenched it off the peg. Turning on her heel to the checkout, she dug into her back pocket for her debit card. She kept her eyes down, feeling judgmental gazes on her from all directions even though there was no one around. Her cheeks burned with awareness. Throughout the transaction the pharmacist said little, but when Ella dared to look up she offered her the test concealed in two bags, and a sympathetic smile.

Back in the car, Ella stuffed the bag deep into her book bag and zipped the pocket closed. They listened to the radio as they drove and Ella concentrated on the lyrics, forcing all other thoughts out of her mind. Alex pulled into Ella's driveway and cut the engine. "Want me to come in?"

"Nope, I'm good." Ella pushed on the car door and winced as the cold air caught her breath. Stepping out, she turned and ducked her head back in. "Thanks a lot, Alex. I really appreciate it."

"You're going to take it, right?" When Ella nodded Alex added, "I'll call you when I get home." Ella forced a smile and shut the door feeling like she had just been threatened into compliance.

Ella hustled as fast as she could on the slippery snow across the yard and up the front steps. Good. No cars, no one's home. She stopped for a moment in the entryway to catch her breath and wave at Alex as she drove off. She listened to the house to confirm she was alone. "Momma? Ben?" She was met only by their white cat, Radar, padding into the kitchen looking to be fed. Ella emptied a can of food into his bowl, grabbed her bag and ran up the stairs two at a time. She hoped her luck would hold until after the test.

In her room Ella plopped her book bag on her bed and retrieved the pharmacy bag. She took it into the bathroom, locked the door and stood looking in the mirror with it clutched in her hand. How did I get here? Who is that girl standing there with a pregnancy test? The girl she knew studied too hard and loved to play basketball, turned red when a boy flirted and wondered if she'd ever be kissed—how did she end up alone in this bathroom scared to death to open a box?

Ella forced herself to look away and open the bags, then the box. She laid the two plastic sticks side by side and spread the instructions out on the counter, smoothing the paper flat with her hands. They were pretty simple, even illustrated to avoid any confusion, but nowhere did it say how to keep from freaking out.

She washed her hands and followed the instructions. She replaced the cover on the wet end of the stick and laid it on a piece of toilet paper on the counter. She set the timer on her phone for five minutes, determined not to look at it until then. But as she started to wash her hands again her eyes shifted of their own volition. She felt her heart stop. Her stomach lurched and, hands dripping with soap, she lunged to the toilet and threw up her measly lunch.

After retching she forced herself to look at the test again. Maybe I misread it. She compared the result to the instructions. Still positive. The directions warned about false negatives but there was no mention of inaccurate positives. She took the second stick and repeated the instructions. Time crawled as the urine traveled up the parchment to the result windows. As the yellow line slipped through the test window she watched the plus sign appear. She started to cry.

Lying on her bed, Ella didn't know what to do next. She had collected the tests, the box and the instruction sheet and put them into the two pharmacy bags, stuffed them into the trash in the kitchen and then stowed that garbage outside into the bin. With her tracks covered, she left a note for her mother begging out of dinner, blaming a bad headache. She had to talk to Sam. Until she did that she didn't want to talk to anyone else. But I don't think I can face him yet.

True to her threat Alex had called, twice, but Ella couldn't answer the phone. She left texts that grew in length and intensity, U OK? grew to T2M!!! By the last one she knew Alex was serious because she spelled out CALL ME! Ella replied with M'KAY, TTYL, which she knew wasn't enough, but would have to be. Ella shivered and pulled the covers tighter around her shoulders. Her eyes were puffy and swollen and burned from crying. Her nose was blocked, making it difficult to breathe. Her stomach churned and her chest hurt. She felt utterly alone, locked in the moment with no way to move forward. What happens now? She couldn't imagine, couldn't see how time could continue, how she'd get up from the bed and do anything she had done before. Or planned to do. Everything she had expected was gone. Everything seemed impossible. There was no way forward.

And there was no way back. Squeezing her eyes shut, Ella could see herself getting ready for the party, could almost feel Karen's hands in her hair as she braided it. She tried to will herself back to that evening. Will herself to stay home, to stay sober, to say "no." But there was no changing the past. A huge divide had split between Before and After. Before, when her life seemed predictable and safe, was behind her, out of reach over a plummeting crevice, where she stood in fog and confusion. It felt like she knew she had to move but couldn't find the signals to command her feet. She was trapped. She was lost. She was alone.

A soft knock at the door startled Ella out of her thoughts. She heard her mother nudge it open. "Honey, you okay?"

Ella knew her mom wouldn't leave without trying to make her feel better. She hoped her voice wouldn't betray her as she forced out, "Uh-huh."

Her mother's feet tiptoed across the floor and Ella felt the bed shift as she sat behind her legs. Her cool hand touched Ella's forehead. "What's wrong? Does your head hurt that much? Should you see a doctor?" Her voice strained with concern.

"No, Momma, I'm okay. I just don't feel good."

"Why are you crying? Did something happen at school? Did you have a fight with Sam?" Ella nodded. Surely she won't ask any more questions about that.

"Oh, honey, I know how that feels. Tell you what, you rest up and I'll bring up some oatmeal after supper. Maybe if you feel like it we can talk then." She brushed Ella's hair back from her face and Ella hated that it felt good. She listened as her mother's footfalls took her out of the room. She closed the door behind her.

She must have slept. She opened her eyes with a start to find her mother beside her bed holding a bowl. She smelled cinnamon and brown sugar. "Sorry, sweetheart, I didn't realize you were asleep. I'll leave this here, but you should go back to sleep if you can." Ella closed her eyes and was back asleep before her mother left the room.

❊❊❊

**Katherine tipped the glass** and winced as the ice cube touched her lips. There was just something about restaurants that made her need a straw. A weird quirk, like sticking out her tongue when she used scissors. Her mother did it too; her father used to laugh at them. She wondered if it was a learned behaviour or driven by some random gene they shared: the hand-tongue coordination gene. She hoped it was learned. She hoped it would rub off on her child. Would they share oddities that linked them in simple, random ways that only they would recognize? Would she see herself in the baby's mannerisms? The way he walked or talked or laughed? Would she see Danny?

The thought of Danny made her check her watch. He was late. They were supposed to meet for dinner before heading to the class, but if he didn't show soon they wouldn't have time to eat. She caught sight of the waiter and waved him over. "Could I have a straw, please?" He nodded on his retreat.

Katherine glanced at the class outline in the folder on the table. The planned discussion was open versus closed adoptions, how to decide how much involvement with the birth family would make them comfortable. She was all for an open arrangement. It seemed like the best of both worlds for everyone involved. The couple with the tools and circumstance parent the child, the mother with the genetics gets to watch the child grow, and the baby gets a whole gaggle of people who love him to follow and cheer him through life. What could go wrong with that? But when considering her own child, the term "open" now sent Katherine's stomach fluttering.

How would a birth family want to be involved? What if they push too hard? What if they suddenly walk away? What if they make choices we don't like? What if they don't treat him the way we do? What if they say the wrong things? What if he likes them better? What if they change their minds? Lost in thought, she was startled when Danny landed in the seat across from her. "Hey, sorry I'm late—Katherine, what's wrong?"

"Oh nothing, I was just thinking."

"About?"

She pointed to the outline beside her. "Tonight's class is about choosing open or closed adoptions."

"Ah," he said. He glanced at the outline then returned his attention to the menu.

"Well? What do you think?"

"Um, I think I want a burger." Danny folded the menu and put it on the table.

"No, about the adoption—open or closed?"

"I don't know, I haven't thought of it." When Katherine blinked at him in surprise he put his hands up. "What? Isn't that the whole point of these classes?"

"Yeah, I guess, but it hasn't crossed your mind at all?"

"Nope. I know you like to hem and haw over all possibilities of every opportunity you may or may not have in life, playing out each with the pros and cons and what have you. But I am a guy. Guys just think of what we need to. We'll talk about it tonight and then I will think about it. Later. Until then, I'm going to think about my burger." He waved down the waiter then winked at her and took her hand, dissipating her irritation.

As much as she wanted to, Katherine didn't mention it again until after the class was finished. "Well?" Katherine asked as soon as Danny slid into the driver's seat after class.

She crossed her arms and waited while he found his key and put it in the ignition. With the car started he looked back at her. "Well what?"

"Well, you've heard the topic. What do you think?"

"I think that Stewart guy should see a doctor. I mean, any guy who has to go to the washroom that many times in a two-hour class must have a problem."

She resisted the urge to punch him, but instead stared at him until he turned with a not-quite-concealed laugh in his voice. "What?" he asked again.

"You know what I mean. I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you."

"Oh. Serious. I can do serious." He ran an open hand over his face from his brow to his chin, putting on a concentrated frown, lips pressed together and brows knit in the middle. He looked so foolish she had to laugh. "Hey, I'm serious. No laughing.

"Danny."

"Okay, okay. I get it. Yes, open or closed. What do you think?"

"Stop it! I asked you. What do you think about it?"

He grinned and touched her knee. "I don't know, really. I see benefits to both. I don't think I want another person feeling welcome to provide unsolicited advice and backhanded compliments on our parenting choices." She nodded. "That said, I can imagine how important it will be for our kid to know about his history, you know, beyond medical information. It would be good for him to know what his birth mom is like. He might want more information than we'll have." He looked at her. "And I guess, if we do adopt, someone will have given us a tremendous gift, and will have given her child something we will never match. If the birth mom wants to know how her child is doing and where he is and what he likes, who are we to withhold that from her? How is that fair?" Katherine felt her eyes prick at the sincerity of his words. Danny had thought it out. He flashed a light smile and winked. "I guess I'm decidedly on the fence."

"From what they said tonight it doesn't sound like a black-and-white thing," Katherine added. "It sounded like we could decide how involved we want the birth mother to be."

"Yes, that's what I heard too. From that, I'd say we should write down what we think we could handle. They probably ask for that when we develop our profile anyway."

Katherine frowned. "What if that limits our options?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, what if most birth mothers are looking for a more open adoption—more than we want. We won't be considered. It cuts down our chances of a match."

He glanced at her then looked back out of the windshield. "It's got to be the right match, and for that to happen we have to be honest about everything, even the stuff we're scared may make us sound less than perfect. Even that one time in university..." He started to laugh.

"Oh, I've got plenty of those, Danny. You won't win that one. Don't even start."

❊❊❊

**The sun was pushing** through the shades, deceivingly bright in spite of the frigid temperature outside. Ella groaned and pulled the blanket over her head to block it out. She'd spent the night in and out of weird dreams and nightmares and had woken in the dark early morning hours painfully anxious before crying herself back to sleep. Her eyes hurt.

She heard whistling approach her door. It stopped with a quick knock. Her mother pushed the door open and put her head inside. "Wake up, Ella! You'll be late for the bus." When Ella didn't move she added, "A fight with your boyfriend is not a good enough reason to miss school. Get up, get going." Ella stirred enough under the blanket to convince her mother she was on the move, but when the door shut she lay still. Her mother opened the door again. "Now!"

Ella threw back the covers and sat up, glaring. "I'm up." She shuffled across the hall to the bathroom. She tried to turn her mind off but it kept spinning with half-thoughts and images from her dreams mixing with flashbacks from the night before. Tears threatened as she looked in the mirror, but she pushed the sobs back down with a painful swallow. The toothpaste was nearly empty and it took all of her strength to squeeze out a small blob and all of her willpower not to hurl it across the bathroom. When the minty paste touched her tongue, her chest tightened and her stomach lurched, filling her mouth with bile. She made it to the toilet just in time. Ella's mother came in and put her hand on her back as she retched. She hadn't eaten anything since the banana at lunch the day before, so her heaves were dry and painful. Her gut pulled and her lungs strained. "Shh, shh, shh," her mother soothed her as she rubbed her back. Finally, Ella sat back from the toilet and swiped at her wet cheeks. "Are you feeling sick too? I thought this was all about a fight."

"I told you I felt sick." She felt guilty for being so short.

"You did. I'm sorry, hon, I didn't realize you felt this badly. Climb back into bed, I'll call the school. I heard there was something going around." Ella washed her face and climbed back into bed, wishing she had the flu.

Ella didn't know how long she had been asleep when she woke to the sound of her phone chirping. It was a text from Alex: E IN2K. TB! IM FRK'N. Me too, Ella thought. She knew Alex wouldn't wait long; in fact she'd likely show up after school if Ella didn't text her back by then. But she didn't want to talk to anyone before telling Sam. Before she could change her mind she sent Sam a text. N2T—VRY IMP! DNTB. CALL ME.

Phones were not allowed on during class time, so Ella was surprised when hers rang only a few moments later.

"Hey, babe! Feeling better? What's up?" Sam's cheerful tone hurt her head.

She felt her voice shake. "I need to talk to you. Can you come over?"

"Really? Babe, can't you just tell me now?"

"Not on the phone. You're skipping anyway. Just come see me, okay? I need you." Ella cursed herself as she started to cry.

"Alright, alright. I'll be there in a bit." She hoped her own feelings of guilt were tainting his words with irritation that wasn't really there. Sam must have rushed, because he knocked on Ella's front door only a half hour later. She slipped on some sweats and a large, cozy hoodie and hurried down the stairs to let him in. By the time she unlocked the door and pulled it open he was frowning.

"Shit, it's cold! Lemme in!" He stepped past her into the entryway and closed the door. He was smiling but she could see his impatience. She took his hand and led him to the kitchen table.

"Do you want a drink or something?"

"No." He watched her for a moment. "'You're freaking me out. What's up?" The veil over his impatience was slipping. She sighed and sat beside him, forcing herself to look at him.

"I'm pregnant."

The silence that followed pressed against her ears, adding pain to her pounding head. Ella watched Sam's face shift from expectant to confused to shattered. He put his elbows on his knees and hid his face in his hands. He raked his fingers through his hair. She waited. The silence hummed. "Say something," she pleaded.

When he looked up his eyes were frantic. "Are you sure?"

Her tears pooled again as she nodded. "I missed my period this month so I took a test yesterday. It came up positive right away."

"Maybe it was wrong."

"I took two."

Ella watched Sam's eyes as they darted.

"How is it possible?"

"Do I really need to explain that?" She winced at the sarcastic bite in her voice.

"But we only did it once, in like, October. How are you only finding out now?" His voice was barely more than a whisper, his eyes wide.

"I was late in November but then my period came so I figured I was late because of stress or something." She bit her lip. "Guess it was the something."

Sam sat up straight, as if he'd found a solution, his way out. "You had it in November? Then it can't be—it's not mine. I mean, how do you know... "

"How can you ask me that? I've only been with you. Once. Shit luck we have, but it's true." She wanted to hit him. Or run. She wanted him out of her sight but she stared him down instead.

Sam ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath. "Okay, okay. Sorry. You just, I mean, I'm just a little—look, I'm sorry, 'kay?" He pulled his chair closer so they sat knee to knee, then reached out and took both of Ella's hands in his. "It's okay, we can do this. I'll help you." Ella let him hug her. It felt good to be touched. She didn't feel so alone.

"What do I tell my parents?" Ella cried into his shoulder.

He put two hands on her arms and pushed her back to look her in the eye. "Let's not. Don't tell anyone 'til we've sorted it out, okay?" Ella nodded. That sounds reasonable. "You're home sick today, right? I'll take you to the doctor. What's the number?"

"I can't go to my doctor! How would we pay for it? My parents would find out!" The hysteria in her voice scared her.

"Right. Okay. Lemme think." Sam turned from her and she watched him rub his face with his hands and run his fingers through his hair, gripping the curls at the base of his skull. He spun around so suddenly that it startled her. "Wait, what about that clinic?"

"What clinic?"

"You know, that clinic by the old hotel—the one that has the ad on the bus? Dammit, what's the name?" She shook her head but Sam's long fingers were already flying over his phone. "Doesn't matter. I've seen the ad. They do pregnancy tests and give you like brochures and stuff for ... well, for stuff like this. They'll help, you'll see. I'll call them now."

Ella was relieved at Sam's sudden composure. For the first time in hours she felt like maybe there was a way out of her horrid situation. Sam held his phone to his ear and spoke urgently. When he hung up he looked at Ella, "C'mon, they said they could get you in if we go right now." Ella felt like a child as Sam grabbed her coat and placed her boots in front of her feet. She complied as he collected her keys from the hook, locked the door and took her hand to lead her to his car. It felt good to have someone take charge and tell her what to do. She was so tired. Ella was relieved when Sam suggested parking the car a lot over from the clinic, in spite of the cold. The waiting room was empty. The receptionist ushered them into an exam room as soon as Ella checked in at the desk, handing her a clipboard with paperwork to fill in before she left them alone.

Huddled over the form, Ella jumped as the door opened and a doctor breezed in. Her dark hair was pulled tightly back, which made the glasses balancing on her nose look huge and round.

"Hi Ella, I'm Dr. Sturge," she said, flipping through the papers on the clipboard Ella handed her. "Who's this?"

Ella willed her voice to be strong. "My boyfriend, Sam. He brought me in."

The doctor's face flickered with suspicion as she looked from Ella to Sam and back again. "So, what brings you here today, Ella?" Open-ended question.

"I think I'm pregnant." It wasn't getting any easier to say out loud.

Dr. Sturge gave a quick nod and scratched some notes in a folder. "Okay, did you take a test?"

"Yes, two."

"When was your last period?"

"Um, November, but it was late."

"How late?"

"About four days." Once started, Ella kept going, not sure why she was telling the doctor everything. "We only had sex once, in October. I had my period so I never thought ... I figured it was stress but it didn't come this month even though I was off on break, I—" She ran out of breath.

Dr. Sturge studied her for a moment and then waved toward the examination gurney. "Hop up here and let's see if I can tell anything." As Ella moved to the exam table and sat down, the doctor continued. "Lots of women have bleeding early in pregnancy. Sometimes it continues throughout. It can make it a little tricky to date the pregnancy, but if you say you only had sex once it'll be easy." She smiled and gave Ella a friendly wink. "Lie back, relax." Relax. Yeah right.

Dr. Sturge prodded at Ella's middle for a moment with her pointy, cold gloves. Ella winced. The doctor squirted some gel on her belly and placed what looked like an oversized pen with a blunt end on her middle, just above the low-hung waist of her sweats.

"What are you doing?" Sam asked from the corner.

The doctor turned and looked at him as if he didn't belong. "This is an ultrasound. I'm listening for a heartbeat."

The wand moved around and suddenly the silence was replaced by a rapid, whooshing beat. "Yes, there's the heartbeat. There's a baby in there," the doctor said. She took the wand off Ella's belly and wiped the gel with a tissue. The sudden absence of the heartbeat was piercing. Handing Ella another tissue, Dr. Sturge returned to her desk and wrote something on her chart. She consulted a circle on her desk, turning a smaller one around a bigger one attached in the middle. "We usually hear the heartbeat for the first time with the Doppler between the tenth and twelfth weeks. When was your last period before the late one?"

"October seventeenth."

"Yes, that works with what I'm finding here. I'd say you're about eleven weeks along. Do you have any questions?" She put the circle down, wrote in the chart and looked up at her.

"What do I do now?" Ella's throat tightened.

Dr. Sturge smiled and leaned back in her chair. "It depends on what you want to do, Ella. The simple answer is you have three choices: you can keep the baby, you can place the baby for adoption or you can have an abortion. It's the deciding that will be hard. There are lots of resources out there and people you can talk with to help you figure it out, but ultimately the decision will be yours."

Sam stepped forward. "How does she get an abortion? Who do we talk to for that?" Ella looked up at him, surprised. When he met her eyes he pleaded, "C'mon babe, you know that's what we need to do. It's the only thing that works. Think of school, think of the basketball scouts. You can't have a baby!"

"I—I guess not," Ella stammered. He must be right. How could we possibly have a baby now?

"You have a little bit of time to think about this. We have people here who can discuss all of this with you, or I can give you some contact information for other counsellors. You don't want to jump to any decisions too quickly. But if you do decide to terminate the pregnancy, we can help you make those arrangements." The doctor was holding Ella's gaze, her stare steady and warning.

Ella stood to leave. Dr. Sturge wrote on a piece of paper and slipped it into Ella's hand, holding her there just a moment longer than necessary. "Call us if you need us," she said softly when she let go. Ella followed Sam out of the room and watched as he gave the receptionist some cash.

Ella spent the car ride home staring out the window as Sam outlined the impossibility of a baby. It was a beautiful day for her world to fall apart: the sun was warm, even though the air was cold. She agreed that a baby was impossible and yet there it was, it was real. She had seen the tests with her own eyes, had heard the whooshing, beating proof with her own ears. But knowing the baby was real didn't give her any idea as to what she should do about it. Sam pulled into the driveway and parked the car then turned to her. "So you'll call? You'll make an appointment?"

She wanted to tell him what he wanted to hear, but it wasn't about him anymore. It wasn't even about her. "I don't know—I don't know what to do."

"Ella..." Sam pleaded, but she shook her head.

"I'll think about it," she promised. "That's all I can do right now." She opened the car door and stepped out. As she closed it behind her and stepped away from the car, Sam gunned the engine and sped away. She waved but he didn't look back.

Back in her room, Ella looked around. It was just as she had left it when she ran down to let Sam in. Her bed was unmade, her desk cluttered. In the middle of the room her desk chair was draped with clothes she had not put away. Nothing had changed, and yet her entire world was different. Radar was curled on her pillow and looked up at her with smiling eyes. He started to purr before she patted him.

The day dragged on. Ella tried to study and read but she couldn't concentrate. Finally, the front door opened and shut. She heard her mother putter around the kitchen, putting her keys and work bag down then heading for the stairs. She knocked on Ella's door and opened it softly. "Oh! Hi honey, you're awake. You must be feeling better?"

Ella had planned to be strong. She had planned to hold it together, to tell her mother the facts, beg her forgiveness and ask for her help. She had planned to be rational and mature—after all, this was a grownup problem. But at her mother's words, she crumpled. The tears spilled out of her eyes and sobs choked her throat, making words impossible.

Ella's mother was across the room in two large strides, taking her into her arms. Ella tried to rein in her tears, but once she started she couldn't stop. Her mother held her tightly and rocked her, shushing her in her ear. Only after Ella's sobs settled to crying then petered to whimpering and heavy sighs did her mother loosen her grip and sit back. "Honey, what happened? What's wrong?"

All cried out, Ella blew out a final sigh and tried to find her voice. "I've—I've done something terrible."

Her mother squeezed her hand. "Ella. Look at me." Ella struggled but met her mother's eyes. "I love you. Nothing you do will change that. Tell me, what happened?"

Ella nodded and struggled to whisper, "I'm pregnant." Her mother flinched, blinked hard, then stood and walked across the room. "I'm pregnant," she said a little louder.

"Yes, I—heard you," her mother mumbled into her hands, and then "Oh" as if she was processing the words bit by bit. She took a deep breath, wrung her hands and sat back down on the bed, her back rod straight. "I'm sorry, it's just ... Ella, are you sure?" Her words were slow and even, precise and controlled. Her voice was strained.

Ella nodded. "I took two tests yesterday."

"How long—why am I just hearing about this now?" Ella winced at her mother's tone.

"I'm sorry, I—I needed to talk to Sam first. He took me to a place—a clinic today and we heard a—the heartbeat." Ella's chest tightened. "I'm so sorry, Momma. So sorry."

"I know." Her voice was flat, but Ella's mother finally put her arm back around her. Ella relaxed against her and the hug tightened. "Dammit, Ella, how did this—what were you thinking?"

"I know, it's stupid." The tears threatened again. "Momma, I'm scared."

Her mother took a deep breath and swore on her exhale. "I know." After a gulping swallow she added, "Me too."

"What am I going to do?" Ella's voice was small.

"I don't know, Ella." With another deep breath she continued. "Your father and I will help you but ... you got yourself into this mess. I'm afraid you're going to have to figure it out."

Figure it out? Decide for myself? I'm a kid! You don't let me decide when to come home or what to eat for supper—how can I decide this? Ella wanted to scream and cower, she wanted someone to tell her how to make it right. Isn't that what mothers are for? She held her breath to hold back the words.

"Sam wants me to have an abortion," she said after a minute.

Her mother made a sound like she'd been punched, then closed her eyes and swallowed. When she opened her eyes, she opened her mouth and closed it again before she responded in a tight voice. "That's certainly..." She stopped and they sat in silence for a moment. "Shit, Ella, I don't know how to do this. We need to find someone who knows how to help you." Her voice cracked and she swiped at a tear on her cheek.

"The doctor gave me some numbers." She handed her mother the crumpled sheet from her pocket.

"Good. Alright. That's where we'll start. But first you have to tell your father."

"Do I have to? Tonight?" The room spun.

Her mother sighed again and shook her head. "It's not going to be easy, Ella, but you'll be okay. He loves you." Her assertion made Ella's tears pool again. "Tomorrow we'll call these people and start to figure things out."

Downstairs the door slammed and Ben yelled Ella's name. He knows. She heard him take the stairs two at a time and then burst into her room. "Ella, what the fuck?" He came sputtering to a halt as he glanced from her to their mother.

When his eyes sought Ella's and stayed there, she nodded. "Mom knows." If he knows... the rumour train has left the station: everyone must know.

Ben slumped into Ella's desk chair and looked at his hands. "Alex seemed really worried. She wouldn't say why so I cornered her after class and made her tell me."

Their mother looked from one to the other. "How does Alex know? Am I the last to hear of this?"

"She went with me to buy the test. She made me get it. She's called and texted and I guess she figured out why I didn't answer."

Downstairs the door opened and their father called out, "Hello! Where is everybody?" The knot that had taken up residence in Ella's stomach tightened. Her mother squeezed her hand and pulled her to her feet.

"No sense putting it off, let's go."

❊❊❊

**Katherine paced through the** house adjusting small items, tucking others away. Cooper had long since stopped trailing her and lay on his mat in the hall, following her with his eyes instead. As she passed by him his tail would thump on the floor, getting faster the closer she got and slowing as she walked away. Danny was in the office on his computer. She didn't know how he could concentrate on anything.

They had cleaned the house spotless and put away obvious baby hazards. The social worker was scheduled to arrive any minute to determine if they were "parent material." An ugly voice nagged Katherine that the social worker would find some dark secret of theirs so hidden even they had forgotten about it. Although they were assured otherwise, Katherine felt like they were on trial and was bitter that someone else had the power to decide her future. Cooper shuffled to his feet and let out a halfhearted bark that set Katherine's heart racing. Play the game. She repeated Danny's mantra in her head. The doorbell rang.

"Danny!" she called up the stairs, though he was already stepping out of the office.

Katherine took a deep breath, forced a smile and opened the door. On the step stood a small blond woman with bookish glasses, a notebook pinned against her chest with her left forearm. She thrust out her right hand and shook Katherine's with what seemed like impossible strength, given her size. "Hi, Katherine Frayne? I'm Carole. It's nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too. Please come in." Carole stepped in and Katherine winced as she watched her glance around the entryway. "Um, this is Danny." She waved towards the hall where he was walking to meet them.

"Hi Carole! Thanks for coming." He smiled, holding out his hand. Katherine envied Danny's easy nature; nothing rattled him. "Did you want to see the house?"

Carole nodded, glancing around her. "I will need a tour, but let's sit and chat first." Katherine led the three of them to the living room where Carole slipped into the armchair and Danny perched on the couch. Katherine sat beside him. He threw her a smile and took her hand.

"So I'm here today to gather information for your Home Study Report," Carole started, looking between Katherine and Danny. "We'll chat today and then I'll meet with each of you individually another time. After those interviews we'll likely need one or two more meetings together before I can draft up the document." Katherine and Danny nodded in synchrony. "I don't want you to think of this process as a judgment. It's more an opportunity to get to know you so that we can find a good match for your family." Katherine thought this must be easier said than done. "Let's start with the bottom-line question: why do you want to adopt?"

Adopting wasn't some selfless act of providing a home to a needy child or spreading love to someone who was lost or giving opportunities to someone who would otherwise go without. It wasn't a sacrifice. By adopting, Katherine hoped to fulfill her own basic need: she needed to be a parent. She needed to be a mother. But Marlo had emphasized that the process was about the child's needs, not the parents'. How did her selfish answer fit into that theory? It wasn't about the baby. Katherine's reasons were about her and about Danny, about them together.

Katherine glanced at Danny and shrugged. "We want to be parents. I think we'd do a pretty good job." Carole smiled and waited for a moment, her pen hovering over her note pad. "I don't know how else to say it. The truth is we feel pretty lucky to be together and we want to raise a child," Katherine went on as Carole scribbled in her notebook.

"Also, we need someone to change the channels on the TV when the remote is missing," Danny added, his voice serious. Katherine flashed him a look that could kill, but Carole laughed.

The afternoon passed and Katherine relaxed some as they talked. Carole led them through a discussion about their families, who they could count on for support, what resources they used in the community and what they liked to do for fun. Katherine was relieved that Carole seemed to appreciate Danny's sense of humour—at least more than she did—during the conversation.

Cooper padded along behind them as they showed Carole around the house. The tour ended in the baby's room. Katherine and Danny had moved into the house just after they had started trying for a baby, months before they realized it would not go as planned. In their excitement, they had tackled the nursery renovations first. Danny had installed white wainscoting along the wall and painted the upper half a soft grey-blue. They'd found a crib on clearance and thought it was a great idea to get it while they could. Katherine remembered sitting on the floor in the room laughing with Danny as he drank beer and watched her put it together. Now the crib sat in the corner, loaded with boxes and odds and ends that had found their way into the unused room. It made Katherine terribly sad; the door was normally kept shut.

Carole consulted her calendar and set dates to meet with Katherine and Danny individually in her office. Katherine didn't like the sound of that but in her head Danny's voice whispered, Play the game. They waved as Carole backed out of the driveway. Shutting the door and leaning against it, Katherine blew out the breath she felt like she'd been holding all day. Danny pulled her into a hug. "I think it went well, don't you?"

Katherine was surprised that she had to agree, nodding against his chest. It had gone well. Finally, she felt like they were moving forward.

❊❊❊

**Ella closed her eyes** and tried to sleep, but her thoughts were whizzing around too quickly. Talking with her father had been different than she had expected. Her mother made her do the talking but held her hand tightly the whole time. She wished she could block her memory of her father's face. She had never seen him cry before. He stared at her as tears welled in his eyes, glistening unshed, then stood and left the room without saying a word. Her mother sighed, squeezed her hand and followed him out. Ella could hear their hissing whispers back and forth but could not make out the words. She found herself wishing he had yelled and ranted when they returned but instead he simply said, "Okay. Tell me more," then sat and listened while his silence drove her to talk. When she ran out of words he stood to leave again and she ran to hug him. At first he stood unresponsive as she clung to him and cried, but after a moment he sagged and lifted his arms around her. He hugged her and told her in a breaking voice, "I love you very much." Her mother called her office and Ella's school to give notice of a sick day and announced to her that they'd spend the day together. Ella was relieved she wouldn't have to face everyone else just yet.

She tried to think about the options Dr. Sturge had outlined. It wasn't like there were unlimited choices. Just three. But they all seem impossible. How could she have a baby? She thought of the last few months and how busy she had been with school and basketball—there was no room for a baby. But to not have the baby, like Sam wanted? In the silence of her room she heard the whooshing heartbeat in her ears. It had come from within her. When she closed her eyes, it surrounded her. And adoption? Could she feel a baby grow inside her only to toss it aside once it was born? Give it to strangers and walk away? Impossible, all three. And yet... Her thoughts went around and around those three choices that weren't choices at all until she felt dizzy and her head hurt. She spun in her misery into the early morning until she finally fell asleep.

Ella woke when Ben yelled goodbye and the door slammed shut. She pulled herself out of bed and into the shower, standing in the hot water until she could tolerate it no longer. She dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, pulled on her favourite hoodie and went down to the kitchen where her mother was eating a bowl of cereal and reading the paper online. She looked up and smiled at Ella, but Ella thought it looked forced. "Good morning, Ella. How are you feeling?"

As if in response, Ella's stomach grumbled for the first time in days. She shrugged as she retrieved a bowl from the cupboard and the box of Cheerios from the pantry. After pouring the milk she sat down across from her mother.

"Ella? I have a question."

She forced a smile, figuring she owed her mother that much. "'Kay."

"Well, I had hoped my instincts were better. I didn't think you and Sam were sleeping together." Ella hated to hear the guilt in her mother's voice.

She stirred her cereal in the milk before answering. "We, um, it only happened once when you were away. Halloween night. We went to a party ... and we were drinking..." She lost the words, realizing how stupid her choices had been.

"Oh, Ella." Ella winced at the disappointed tone.

"I know. It didn't seem like a big deal. We had a DD 'cause Jake wasn't drinking, so I thought a couple of drinks wouldn't hurt anything. After that I told him we went too far and... And we haven't done it again, I swear. But I guess it was too late."

Her mother pressed her lips together and shook her head then muttered, "It appears so," under her breath. She took her bowl to the sink, where she seemed to sag with her hands on the counter holding her up. After a moment she squared her shoulders and turned back to Ella. "Alright, it's after nine, these places should be open by now. I think you should start with this number here, The Children's Heart. I looked them up online. They offer counselings for unplanned pregnancy and can help you decide what you need to do. They can help make an adoption plan."

"Adoption plans? But what if I want to have an ... I mean, do they do..."

Her mother looked away but not before Ella saw her squeeze her lips shut. "No, they don't do abortions. But they will talk to you about that choice. If that's what you decide to do, you'll have to go back to the doctor to get a referral for the hospital."

"That's what Sam wants me to do."

Her mother nodded. "So you've said."

Ella took a deep breath. "And what if I decide to keep it?" She forced her voice to be steady. Her mother turned and their eyes met, held in a standoff until Ella looked away.

"Ella, be reasonable. You're seventeen years old."

"I know that!" Ella knew her outburst wouldn't help her make her case for independence, so she tried to reel in her voice. "You said this was my decision."

"I did but I..." After a moment, her mother looked back at her and nodded. "You're right. It is. Let's find someone who is better equipped to help you make it." She handed Ella the phone and piece of paper then took her bowl to the sink. Ella took a deep breath and dialled the number.

Ella was relieved that she had been able to make an appointment for that day. They double-checked the address and walked through the light snow to the front door of The Children's Heart office. As they walked into the entryway, Ella asked her mother for the second time, "Are you sure I shouldn't have brought Sam?"

"You can come back with him if you want to. You need to talk to someone by yourself first."

The receptionist looked up and smiled as Ella approached the desk and gave her name. She asked Ella to have a seat then picked up the phone and whispered into it. Someone appeared in the hall moments later, offering her hand and introducing herself as Jessie. Ella felt her eyes widen and her voice shake as she asked her mother, "Are you coming in?"

"No. I'll wait here."

Ella followed Jessie down the hall into a small office that smelled of air-freshener. She took a seat and fiddled with her ring while Jessie closed the door behind them. The discussion started with Ella recounting her story of finding out she was pregnant. Jessie listened and smiled encouragingly whenever Ella paused to take a breath, offering a tissue when she started to cry.

When Ella ran out of things to say, Jessie leaned forward and asked, "Do you know what you want to do?"

"No. I've tried to think it out, figure out what's best, but none of the choices will work. I don't know what to do."

Ella hoped this was where Jessie would offer up The Answer.

"So you have three choices." The same three impossible choices the doctor had identified. "Part of my job is to work with you and help you figure out what choice is best. If you decide to terminate the pregnancy, I can help you find someone to talk to after that happens."

Sam's words, "We can't," sloshed around in her mind, making it difficult to concentrate on what Jessie was saying. She looked down at her hands to focus and Jessie had moved on. "If you have the baby, you can choose to keep it or place it for adoption. I can help you get ready to parent, or create an adoption plan."

"My boyfriend wants me to have an abortion."

"That is an option, and you should consider the father's wishes, but ultimately this is your body, so it's your choice."

"He loves me." Jessie nodded but said nothing and Ella felt compelled to fill the silence. "He loves me, so maybe this can work." Her tears started again.

Jessie waited for Ella to calm down before saying softly, "We'll work it out, Ella. You'll find the answer that is right for you."

When Ella got to the car and checked her phone, there were three texts from Sam, each more urgent than the last. She called his cell and he answered on the first ring.

"Ella! Where have you been?"

Ella glanced at her mother, who was studying the road. "I'm headed home with Mom. She took me to talk to someone."

"You told your mother?" His voice was incredulous. "Fuck! Why did you do that? I thought we agreed to wait?" She didn't know what to say so she left silence hanging between them. "Never mind babe, it's done. Can you meet me?"

The drive to the coffee shop seemed longer than usual. Ella's conversation with Jessie spun in her mind. Would it be so bad to have a baby? She had spent time babysitting when she was younger—before basketball and studying had taken over her spare time—and had always enjoyed it. She was good with kids and they seemed to like her. Of course it would take all her free time, but adults worked and raised children. She could go to school during the day, like a job, and be home with the kid at night. She'd get a loan or borrow from her parents until she could get a job. University would be on hold, maybe indefinitely, but lots of people led happy lives without a professional career. I don't even know what I want to do yet anyway. Maybe there was a way to work things out.

When they pulled into the parking lot, Ella could see Sam sitting at a table studying his phone. She didn't miss the look in her mother's eyes before she looked away to adjust the radio. "Thanks, Momma, Sam can drive me home," she said and hurried out of the car.

Sam looked up when Ella walked towards him, but didn't move. She slid into the chair across the small table from him. His smile was weak but he squeezed back when she reached for his hand. "Who did you go to talk to? The doctor?"

"No, a counsellor for unplanned pregnancy. We talked about our options."

"Options?" His frown made him look confused.

"Yeah, what our options are." She pulled the corners of her mouth up, attempting a confident smile. "Sam, I think we could do this. We're smart, we work hard. It wouldn't be easy but we could do this together."

"Do what?"

Ella hurried on. "We could find jobs that have opposite hours so one of us is with the baby. I'm sure my parents would help us."

"What?"

"It would only be for a year or so until I graduate, then I could get a real job—"

"Ella!" he interrupted and snatched his hand away. "We can't do that! We can't have a baby. What about our lives? What about basketball? Don't you see? Having a kid would end all that. Game over!"

Ella's heart started to race. "Yeah, it would be different than what we planned..."

"Different? You're kidding, right? More than different, Ella. It would be hell." Sam leaned back in his chair and shook his head. "No. Look, if you want to have a baby, go ahead, but I don't want it. I'm out." His eyes cooled as he stared at her, challenging. "I've decided. If you don't have ... if you don't deal with this, I'm gone."

"But ... it's your baby!"

He shook his head again. "Wrong, Ella, it's not a baby yet. It's a mistake, that's all. A mistake. And it's easy to fix if you want to."

"Sam!" Her voice was desperate.

Sam shoved his chair back with a loud scrape as he stood. "That's all I have to say. If you don't get rid of it, you're on your own." He stalked out without looking back.

Ella didn't know how long she sat in the coffee shop without moving. Finally she pulled out her phone and dialled Ben's cell. It rang twice before he picked up.

"Ben..." Nothing else came out.

"Stay there, Ells, I'm coming," he assured her. When Ben pulled up in their mother's car, Ella was staring out the window. He hurried into the shop and sat in Sam's vacated chair. "Hey sis. How ya doin'?" he whispered.

"How'd you know I was here?"

"Mom."

She looked at her brother, begging his understanding. "Ben, Sam's..."

"An ass?" Ben offered when her voice trailed off.

"I think he's gone." Ella felt her eyes well up again, but she'd had enough of crying.

Ben pulled one cheek back in a sympathetic half grin. "I dunno what to say, Ells. Let's go home, 'kay?" He took his sister's hand and pulled her to her feet.

**The next morning Ella** was back out at the bus stop. She stood in silence with Ben in the cold, listening for the bus to come barreling down the road. Her heart hurt with anxiety. She had no idea what she faced at school. Ben said no one knew but she had a feeling he was more hopeful than confident—or lying.

When Ella climbed the stairs into the bus she kept her eyes down, but she still felt all of the students staring at her. She sensed a hush. A girl snickered to her left and she hoped it wasn't about her. After what felt like miles, she reached her regular seat and slid close to the window. She felt someone fall in beside her and turned expecting to see Ben. Charlie grinned.

"Hey," Ella said, barely more than a whisper.

"Hey yourself."

"Guess you heard?"

"Yeah. The Jays signed that kid. What were they thinking? He's way out of his league." He held her surprised gaze as if daring her to look away.

Ella recovered and asked, "Did they? That was stupid."

"Whatev. Shit happens, Lassie. The rest of the team will just have to step up."

She smiled just a bit. "It's that simple?"

"Sure, why not? It's a team sport; he's not alone. They'll make a game plan to get through the rough innings."

Ella blinked back tears, refusing to cry on the bus. She mouthed "Thank you." He grinned and opened the book he held.

When she got to school, Alex and Karen were waiting outside. They rushed forward and pulled her into a three-way hug. Walking on either side of her, Ben and Charlie stepped out of the way.

"Look out, Benny! You don't wanna get caught up in that!" Charlie winked at her over Karen's shoulder as the boys disappeared into school. Ella was surprised at the vulnerability she felt at their departure.

"What are you going to do?" Karen gasped, dragging Ella towards the school doors.

At the same time Alex asked, "Are you alright?"

She smiled at her friends, but it felt more like a wince. "I dunno what I'm going to do but I'm doing better than I was. Still pretty shitty, but better."

"Do your parents know?" Karen asked. Ella nodded. "What did they say?"

"They haven't said much, really. I think they're hurt and disappointed." Her voice caught and she shrugged off the rest of the thought.

"And Sam? What does he say?"

Ella opened her mouth to answer but the words wouldn't come out. She swallowed and tried again but Alex interrupted. "Shut up, Karen. I'm sure she's had enough of the third-degree this week. Why don't you tell her what happened to Melissa Fraser yesterday?" Karen looked peeved for a moment but then took a deep breath and started rambling. Ella smiled at Alex and listened to Karen's story, trying to lose herself in ordinary high school drama, if only for a few moments.

Ella struggled through her morning classes. She concentrated, trying not to let her mind wander, but the effort was exhausting. By lunch she was fighting a pounding headache and heavy eyes, and the last thing she wanted to do was be brave. No time like the present. With a deep breath she forced herself into the caf and glanced at Sam's old table. He wasn't there but his friends turned to look at her one by one. A guy leaned over to whisper to another and the listener snickered behind his hand. Her eyes stung and her face burned but she squared her shoulders and headed to her table.

"Hey guys, have you seen Sam?"

Her friends shook their heads and Charlie offered, "He was in math last period but I haven't seen him since." Ella bit into her sandwich to keep from having to respond. Her throat tightened and her stomach protested, but she forced the bite down.

Most of the students seemed engaged in their own conversations. When she looked around a few students turned guiltily away, so she forced her gaze onto her sandwich and tuned out the noise around her. Is Sam avoiding me? She wondered if she was being paranoid. Maybe the night had given him time to change his perspective. She was anxious to see him. She was terrified to see him. She didn't know which feeling was stronger.

Ella slipped out of class early in the last period and rushed from her locker to the front of the school, checking the gym on the way. She watched the doors as the school emptied and students filed onto buses lined up in the drive. Shivering in the cold, she scanned the crowd for Sam's tall build and sunlit curls. She saw several of his friends, but not him. "Hey Ella, isn't our bus here yet?" Ben asked when he materialized at her side.

"Yeah, I think so," she said, glancing to the line of identical buses. "I was hoping to catch Sam." As she heard her intention out loud she wondered how ridiculous it sounded.

Ben set his jaw. "C'mon, let's go before we miss it. You can call him later." Ella nodded, followed Ben to their bus and sat in her regular seat. Through the window she watched the flow of students from the school thin. Just when the bus started to move, she saw Sam step out of the front doors. His eyes met hers through the dirty window. She waved but he turned away.

Once she got home, Ella resisted the urge to call Sam by trying to concentrate on her homework. It didn't work. Sam finally answered his phone the fourth time she called. "Hi, Ella." He sounded distant and short.

"Hey, where ya been?" She tried to keep her voice light and free of accusation. "I looked for you at lunch and I called a few times."

"I had stuff to do."

"Oh." She waited out the awkward moment. "I was hoping we could talk."

She heard him sigh. "We talked. I told you what I think. I can't help you if you're not willing to help yourself." She felt her brows knit. "It's the best for everyone."

"Everyone but the baby..." Ella heard herself say. Shit. Why did I say that? She was met by silence. "Sam?" Her voice was almost a whisper.

"Dammit, you can't guilt me into this. I told you what to do. If you're not going to listen to me, don't bother calling. In fact, don't call again until you've fixed the problem."

Ella had pulled the phone away from her ear as his voice raised. She stared as his picture bounced back to the Menu display. Just like that, he was gone.

❊❊❊

**When the phone rang** Katherine dove for it, nearly knocking the bowl of salad to the floor. "Hey, Sexy! How'd it go?" Danny had left work early to meet Carole in her office. Katherine had fretted about it all day, accomplishing almost nothing at work. He laughed at her the third time she called to remind him so she'd hung up on him, miffed at his cavalier attitude.

"It went well, I think," he replied. "It was more of a chat really. She asked a few questions, but mostly we just talked about stuff."

"What stuff?"

"I dunno. Stuff. Stuff about you and I, our families, how we met and about when we were dating, when we decided to have kids, what we've done so far to have them. You know, stuff."

Katherine stood at the stove stirring a pot of soup. "Were any questions hard to answer? Did you have to talk about anything you didn't really want to?" Surely drilling him about his interview would help her for her own.

"Really, there wasn't. We just chatted. Nothing you and I haven't already discussed."

She felt her stomach release a little. She smiled, "I hope you didn't tell her all our secrets, Husband."

She could hear the smile in his voice when he answered, "Of course not, Wife," and she laughed.

❊❊❊

**Ella woke to muffled** voices wafting up the stairs. She glanced at her clock: it was almost four in the morning. _Why are they up?_ She listened for a moment. She couldn't make out any words, just an upset tone. Her mother sounded like she was crying. _Did something happen? An accident?_ She threw back the blankets and crept to the door, intent on finding out if everyone was okay, but when she opened it she met Ben standing in the hallway. Her question was silenced by his warning eyes and a finger to his lips. They stood side-by-side in the hallway listening to their parents' argument. It wasn't the first time they had snooped from there; they had listened to their parents discuss punishments and Christmas presents and had even ruined a surprise road trip once. But it had been years since they last stood eavesdropping together. Their mother was crying. When their father's words echoed up the stairs, Ella realized they were talking about her.

"I was sure she had a better head on her shoulders than to do something this stupid. We taught her better than this." Ella winced as her father's words sliced into her middle. The guilt was painful.

"I know, Doug." Her mother's voice broke.

"How can you just sit back and pretend everything's okay?"

"I'm angry too. I'm furious with her. Hell, I'm even furious with Ben. He was at that party, too. Why didn't he do anything?" Startled, Ella looked up at Ben. He raised his shoulders just a bit. She mouthed "Sorry" and he shook his head slowly with a sad smile. Does he blame himself too? Fuck. She blinked back the tears threatening to spill.

"But Ella feels enough guilt, she doesn't need us punishing her with our feelings. Right now she needs us to support her, as hard as it is."

Then there were general sounds: a chair squeaking and scraping on the floor, a glass being placed in the sink. When her father spoke again his voice was softer, resigned. "How will she figure this out on her own? She's just a baby herself." His last words were so soft, Ella had to strain to hear them and wished she hadn't. He sounded broken and lost.

"She hasn't been a baby for a long time."

More silence. The house was still between her parents' words. In contrast, Ella's breath gusted in and out, her heart pounded against her ribs. Her thoughts screamed so loudly that she wondered how her parents couldn't hear them echoing in her head. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The noise was smothered in silence as she hid in the dark with Ben.

"I'm going back to bed," their mother finally said.

"I can't sleep. I'll be up later."

Ella glanced at Ben as they heard their mother shuffle through the kitchen and towards the stairs. Ben had just enough time to toss her a conspiratorial wink before slipping back to his room. Ella backed into her own and slipped the door closed, reaching her bed just before she heard her mother walk past.

Ella felt terrible. And relieved. She had been unnerved by her parents' controlled response, waiting for the other shoe to fall. In her anticipation, the proverbial shoe had morphed into a huge, steel-toed boot. She had expected lectures, and rants, a life sentence of punishment. She deserved that. And while she had been waiting for it to come she hadn't known where she stood. Now she did. Her parents were angry, disappointed and scared, but they were still there.

❊❊❊

**Katherine twirled her wedding** ring around her finger with the thumb and pinkie of her left hand. She stared at a mark on the carpet in front of her feet, seeing nothing through her thought-glazed eyes. Her stomach was knotted. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to relax, only to suck it back in when she heard high heels clicking down the hall.

"Katherine, hi!" Carole came into the waiting area, walking towards her with her hand outstretched. Katherine smiled and stood, receiving her handshake. "It's good to see you again. Did you find me okay?" As Katherine nodded, Carole turned to lead her down the hall and into a small room on the right. There was a desk with a chair behind it and two office chairs in front. Carole waved to the chairs, saying "Please," so Katherine sat, crossing her ankles and tucking them under. She wove her fingers together to keep them still. Carole sat beside her with a small notebook on her knee and smiled. "Thank you for coming in. I hope you're not too nervous?"

Katherine thought about lying but realized her hesitance had given her away. "A little."

"That's understandable, but unnecessary. This isn't an inquisition. Remember, I just want to get to know you." Carole was still smiling and Katherine felt she meant it. "Let's start with something easy. From your completed questionnaire, it sounds like you had a pretty good childhood. Tell me about that."

Katherine wasn't sure where to begin, but once she got rolling she found it easy to talk to Carole. She recounted stories of growing up, what her parents were like and what she had hoped for her future. She recounted her struggles and successes in high school and university. Katherine felt her cheeks blush when she talked about meeting Danny and falling in love with him. Carole nodded as she listened and made notes. As Katherine talked about their wedding, she realized her story sounded like a fairy tale. All she needed now was the happily ever after.

"So when did you decide to have a family?" Carole asked when Katherine grew quiet.

"We talked about it when we were dating of course. We both wanted kids."

"But when did you start trying to have children?"

Katherine struggled to stay relaxed. "Um, a little over five years ago now."

"What did you do to try to conceive?"

Katherine wasn't sure what their previous attempts had to do with this process, but she heard Danny: Play the game. "Well, when nothing happened after a year we went to the doctor who suggested changes in my diet and charting my cycles. When that didn't work, we tried some medical procedures."

"Ultimately, what was your last attempt?"

"We tried three rounds of IVF. They were all unsuccessful."

"And how do you feel about that?"

Katherine looked at her. She fought to keep her eyebrows relaxed and forced the corners of her mouth up. And couldn't answer.

"How do you feel about your failed attempts to conceive?"

Katherine had no idea what Carole wanted to hear. "I was—disappointed, obviously. I was devastated when it didn't work. We had such high hopes each time." She resisted the urge to fold her arms across her chest.

Carole nodded and scribbled in her book. "Yes, but how do you feel now? Do you think you've grieved sufficiently? Do you honestly think you're ready to move on to adoption?"

Katherine wanted to scream: How do I feel now? I feel like shit! I want to be a mother. I want a child. I want to raise a person. So I'm reduced to police checks for criminal activity and child abuse. I'm subjected to personal judgment by complete strangers asking about the intimate details of my marriage—our arguments, our sex life, our financial struggles. I'm forced to prove my worth over and over and over. How do I feel?

Instead, she squared her shoulders and steadied her voice. "Danny and I are frustrated we couldn't have kids easily. I'm sad sometimes that our baby won't have his eyes. But I don't need to be pregnant, I need to be a mother. And I think there's a baby who needs us too."

Carole studied her for a moment and then she smiled and nodded. When she looked away to jot down a note, Katherine exhaled as quietly as she could and blinked to control the threat of tears. Play the game.

Katherine smiled through the rest of the interview and answered questions honestly but without elaboration. She kept her guard up, determined not to be sideswiped again. By the time she left Carole's office she was tense, exhausted and near tears. On her way out, she wrapped her coat around her and folded her arms to hold it closed against her chest.

Danny had asked her to call when her interview ended, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. The sound of his voice would crack through the delicate control she held on her emotions. She drove home with the radio so loud it drowned out her thoughts. In the driveway, she cut the engine, collected her purse and ran through the cold to the front door. Cooper welcomed her with a smile that reached from his face to his dancing tail. Danny came out of the kitchen drying his hands. "Hey! I wasn't expecting you yet. What happened to calling me on your way home?" Katherine tried to shrug it off, but her eyes welled up. His smile disappeared as he stepped close and hugged her. "What happened? Didn't it go well?"

Katherine wiped her face and stepped back so she could see him. "It went fine."

"Then what's wrong?"

"She asked stupid questions about my feelings and IVF—questions about us." She took a deep breath to continue. "I'm just so tired of our lives being picked apart. It may sound melodramatic, but I feel violated." She sighed. "It's just not fair."

"No it's not, Kat. But what can we do?"

"I know ... play the game. That's what I told myself, so I answered all her questions and told her what she wanted to know." She stepped back into Danny's arms, soothed by his tight hug. "I just hate it, that's all." She felt him nod in agreement and kiss her on her head.

❊❊❊

**The phone rang twice** before the annoyed secretary answered curtly: "Eastern Medical clinic, _hello_?" but Ella hung up without saying anything. Again. She had promised herself she would make an appointment with the doctor to schedule an abortion. It was the easiest answer. It was what Sam wanted. But that resolution was made after office hours. In the meantime she Googled "abortion" and wished she hadn't. She didn't get past the first entry of the search results, the Wikipedia page that used ugly medical terms like _dilation_ and _curettage_ , words like _evacuation_ and _suction_ that would never again carry innocuous meanings. She forced herself to read that page but ended up sick before she finished. Each time the nurse answered the phone, the sick feeling swelled so that Ella couldn't talk. She didn't know what she was going to do, but she knew what she _couldn't_. Ending the pregnancy was the easiest option. After a visit to a clinic the uncertainties would be gone, the changes threatening her body and her life would be avoided. She could close the door on this nightmare, walk away and back into her life. _I might even get Sam back._ She knew she shouldn't want him but she did. T _he easiest choice if..._

If she hadn't heard the heartbeat.

Whenever Ella thought of abortion she heard the baby's whooshing heartbeat. It would grow louder until it synched with the echo of her own pulse, two beats to her one, until they were intertwined so perfectly she couldn't tell which were hers and which weren't. The heart that beat in her chest pushed life into the one that beat in her belly. Regardless of what mistakes brought her to that moment, she now had a life dependent on her. She couldn't end a life to fix her own.

Her choices went from three to two: keep the baby or place it for adoption. Ella didn't know what she was going to do.

#  FEBRUARY

**Katherine was anxious for** the conversation to be over and for the interviews to be done. At the beginning of the meeting Carole had said they could wrap up the discussions with one last talk. Katherine felt raw from dissecting hers and Danny's personal heartache and intimate secrets, and was exhausted from standing guard over her words and emotions—stiff from walking the line between honesty and sharing too much. She was tired of second-guessing everything she felt and said, wondering if it was right or wrong, good or bad. She was done.

Katherine excused herself to the kitchen under the guise of needing a glass of water, but she really just needed to take a breath without being watched. In the other room, Danny was chatting with Carole. They were laughing at Cooper. Again, Katherine envied Danny's ease. She ran the cold water and filled her glass then drank half of it down. She filled it up again. With a deep breath she walked back into the living room, sinking onto the couch beside Danny.

"Alright then." Carole brought them back on topic. "I want to talk a little about your vision of the adoption. Have you had an opportunity to discuss an open versus a closed adoption?"

Katherine and Danny looked at each other. He raised his eyebrows in invitation so Katherine replied, "Yes, a bit. We like the idea of some communication between our family and hers but I don't want to have to invite them to birthday parties and things like that. I think we were hoping to send letters and pictures, maybe, but not too many visits—at least not at first."

Carole nodded while she wrote in her notebook. "That's a pretty typical arrangement. We can help you work with the birth family to set it up so everyone feels comfortable with it."

Katherine was relieved. "I thought most birth mothers would want an open adoption."

"No, many women don't want regular contact, just an update every so often." Carole smiled sincerely and Katherine felt a nag of guilt for her resentment. She wished it wasn't so complicated. "I'll draft up your Home Study from our discussions," continued Carole. "That will be included in your application to the government." Katherine felt a thrill in her chest at those words. "Once you are approved, your profile is included in our roster. You should write a more narrative profile for us to offer to birth families, something friendly that describes you and your home in a less formal way. When a birth family comes forward, they are given four or five profiles to review, and if it seems to be a good match, we'll include yours. The birth family might choose one of those profiles or they might ask for more to look at. They can keep looking until they find a family." She looked from Katherine to Danny. "Does that make sense?"

Both nodded. Then Danny asked, "Will we know if our profile is being reviewed? And when would we know we were matched?"

"If you want, we will tell you when your profile is put forward. Most families want to be told but some would rather not know."

Katherine and Danny looked at each other. "We'd like to know," Katherine said while he nodded. Carole wrote in her notebook.

"Once the baby is discharged from the hospital he is taken into foster care. There is a waiting period of four days before the baby can be placed, because the birth family has a right to change or cancel the adoption plan during that time. If the birth family still wants to proceed after those four days, the adoptive family is contacted and asked to come and pick up the child."

"Just like that? Like 'Come now and get your kid'?" said Danny.

"Well, you may know several months ahead if there is a match early in a pregnancy, but you may have as little as twenty-four-hours notice." Carole laughed. "Yes, it's usually quite the day for the adoptive family."

Katherine knew the answer but asked anyway. "How long will it take us to be matched?"

"There is no answer for that," said Carole. "It depends on what birth families are looking for and how many families your profile matches. You might get chosen the first time your profile is put forward, or the hundredth, it's impossible to know." The answer was just as ambiguous as Katherine feared it would be. Waiting without knowing how long would be tough. "Any other questions?" When they shook their heads, Carole collected her notes and stood, putting out her hand. "It's been a pleasure meeting with you both. I'll be in touch to sign off on these."

When Carole left and Danny closed the door to the cold, Katherine let out an audible sigh of relief. "I'm so glad that's over."

"Me too," he whispered. She smiled at him, feeling relaxed for the first time in weeks.

❊❊❊

**As the days turned** into weeks, the shock of her situation wore off a little and Ella found herself falling into a strange version of her old routine. Between classes and studying, school occupied most of her time. The halls were an unfriendly minefield where eyes and whispers followed her. She rushed, head down, from class to the cafeteria or the gym. She hurried at her locker, trying to ignore the whispers or outright taunts. Sometimes it was too hard, she'd look up and stare when she heard "That's the girl," causing groups of girls to blush and turn The increased attention from being with Sam that she had enjoyed turned menacing, and it hurt.

Ella hated the cafeteria now, but she refused to be bullied out of it. Lunch used to be a social time with her friends, full of laughter and card games. With each day back to school she could actually see the rumours spread as more and more eyes followed her. Whispers hidden behind hands didn't reach her ears, but she imagined what they said. Sometimes she'd challenge their glances by staring back until they looked away, caught and guilty. Sometimes she just put her head down and walked past.

At least at her table Ella felt sheltered a bit in the presence of her friends. Karen had a cavalier attitude that demonstrated she didn't care who stared. Alex had a knack for giving Ella a supportive smile when she needed it the most. Charlie and Ben started spending lunch at her table, challenging other students with sullen glowers that melted into sheepish grins when Ella caught them.

The silence of the judgment was smothering Ella. She wished someone would step up—throw an insult that she could respond to and defend herself against. _Or cry and be humiliated about._ Anything but the silence of their glares that made her question her perception. _Is it real or in my head?_ In a matter of days, Ella felt the number of people she considered her friends shrink so that they all fit around the small lunch table like a tent blocking the rain.

She was devastated but not surprised to learn she could not play basketball in the spring league. Coach's encouragement to keep up her game echoed in her mind, but she tried to push those thoughts out as soon as they surfaced.

She didn't like talking about it. Karen was incredulous that she had chosen to keep the pregnancy and let Sam go—she agreed with Sam that the situation had an easy fix and couldn't believe that Ella wouldn't do it. Ella couldn't explain her choice in words that made sense, so she shrugged and let Karen talk until she had said her fill.

Sam hadn't spoken one word to Ella since their last phone call. She had tried to talk to him in the cafeteria once but he had looked right through her as she approached and then stood up and walked away, leaving Ella standing alone and feeling foolish. She could sense everyone watching while his friends snickered, watching from their table. Since then Ella had avoided Sam altogether. They were often in the cafeteria at the same time but kept to their own tables, like corners of a boxing ring.

Ella was shooting in the gym with Charlie and Ben one afternoon when Sam and his friends arrived. Their chatter fell silent for a moment as they came through the door, and then resumed at a lower volume. She caught random hushed words: " _girlfriend_ ," " _baby_ " and " _daddy_." When she heard Sam laugh with them, she felt her cheeks burn under the warmth of her workout and her eyes prick with unexpected tears. She snapped the ball to Ben. "I'm done!"

"What? Why? We have another half hour before Mom gets here!" Ben argued.

"I'm tired," she said as she headed towards the locker room. She forced her eyes forward, avoiding the other side of the gym. She didn't want any of the boys to know her reason for leaving.

She could see in her periphery that Charlie was looking between her and Sam's crowd under the other basket. She managed to avoid his eyes as well, until he stepped in front of her and gripped her arm tightly in his long fingers. "Don't," he said.

She tried to shake him off. "Lemme go, Charlie."

"Don't let him chase you out."

Ella glared up into his eyes and opened her mouth to argue but couldn't. She closed her mouth again and blinked hard and fast. Charlie's grip loosened, but his hand remained on her arm. "It's your ball," he said softly. Ella nodded and took the ball back from Ben. It always felt good to shoot.

**Sam left a huge** void in Ella's free time. She hadn't realized just how much time they had spent together. It took weeks for her to stop expecting him to call, to stop racing for her phone when it rang. She still found herself wondering what Sam would think about something, and she'd have to remind herself that it didn't matter anymore. Her time had slowly filled with studying and chatting with Alex. Ella knew Alex and Ben were each making an effort to keep her busy. Ben dragged her to the gym or to university hockey games; Alex made her go shopping or out to dinner. She wondered if it was a conspiracy between them. But she was as grateful as she was irked. Time with them moved much faster than time spent alone.

Early Saturday morning, Alex called to invite Ella shopping. Ella loved window-shopping for clothes and peeking in the jewelry stores. She hustled to shower and dress, avoiding the long mirror in her room. From what she'd read online she expected to see a bump any time. Her jeans felt a little tight, but other than that she couldn't see any changes in her body. She pulled on a hoodie and went to the kitchen, where her mother and Ben were sitting at the table.

"She lives!" Ben exclaimed in mock amazement. Ella made a face at him and grabbed a banana from the counter bowl.

"You need more than that for breakfast, Ella," her mother said without looking up from the newspaper.

"I'm not hungry. Alex is coming to pick me up. We're going to go to the mall, 'kay?"

"You're not leaving the house without eating."

Ella clenched her mouth shut and took a cereal bowl from the cupboard. "Fine. Can I go, though?"

"Sure. I don't have much planned myself, though I could use some help cleaning when you get home." Ella considered informing her mother about the dangers of cleaning chemicals to unborn babies but thought better of it. She poured her milk and cut the banana over the O's with her spoon. She realized she was much hungrier than she thought.

"Are you shopping for fat clothes?" Ben asked. Ella punched him, and his serious frown twitched.

"I don't need fat clothes."

"Yet." Ben laughed, earning himself another punch to the arm.

"Where's Dad?" Ella asked with her mouth full.

"He had to take the car in and then he was going to get something to barbecue for dinner. He'll probably call from the store. Any requests?" her mother asked, her nose still in the paper.

Ella thought for a minute. "Hamburgers would be good."

"You'd better look for fat clothes today after all." Ben ducked out of her reach. The front door opened and Alex swept in on a blast of cold air and snow. Ella used the distraction to get in a slap on the back of Ben's head. "Ow!" he protested.

"Hi!" Alex smiled.

"Good morning, Alex. How are you doing, hon?" Ella's mother asked.

"Good." Alex grinned from the doorway, where she stood dripping on the mat.

"How's school?"

"Ah ... mostly good, I guess."

"And basketball?" Ella cringed. She didn't want to hear about the season she was missing. She wondered if the pointed look her mother threw her way was real or imagined.

"Great. I'm getting lots of playing time since our best player isn't playing." She poked Ella in the side.

"Anyway." Ella tried not to sound annoyed. "Let's get out of here. Bye Momma, bye nerd."

Ella's mother smiled. "Have fun, girls. Be careful driving, Alex, that snow is coming down now."

The girls hurried to the car, which was still warm from Alex's drive over. Ella slammed the door and grumped at Alex, "You don't have to remind her that I'm not on the team, you know. She knows why I can't play."

"She asked."

"She won't tell me what to do about the baby but tells me what to eat, when to go to sleep, like everything else—she's going to drive me crazy." Alex was quiet, with a grin on her face that made Ella storm, "What?"

"Too late for that, Ells, you're already crazy."

Ella fiddled with the radio, trying to find a good song. The country station was playing Miranda Lambert. She made a face and switched to a station playing Adele and turned it up loud. Alex started to sing along, so Ella joined in. Finally, lost in the music, she sang and bounced her head as they drove to the mall. It felt good.

Alex pulled into a spot and they rushed to beat the cold. Inside, Ella pulled down her hood and unzipped her jacket. "Where to first?"

Alex shrugged. "I need a birthday present for Mom but I have no idea what to get. She has everything. She just goes and buys what she wants." The girls started to the left out of habit and walked in comfortable silence. In a clothing store Ella saw a purple shirt and held it up by the hanger to inspect it. _Probably won't fit me in two months._ She slammed the hanger down.

In a small boutique, Alex found a cute leather wallet on sale. She showed it to Ella and they inspected each of the pockets and sections. "I think she'd like it," Alex said and took it to the cashier.

Ella fidgeted with the small items displayed for impulsive shoppers around the cashiers' counter. She turned from the shelf and saw Karen in the mall with another girl she recognized from school. She went out, calling Karen's name. When they turned, the other girl leaned close and whispered something to Karen who nodded and quickly said something back.

"Hi, Ella," Karen said as she approached. "Do you know Lindsay?"

Ella nodded and placed Lindsay: Sam's ex-girlfriend. "Hey," said Ella, trying to be casual while cursing the way her stomach clenched.

Karen's smile hid something. "Are you here alone? Or with Charlie?"

_Why Charlie?_ "Alex is in there, buying a present for her mom." As Ella spoke, she caught a look fly between Karen and Lindsay. "What?"

Another look, again with smiles Ella didn't like.

"Oh, nothing, Ells," Karen said a little too sweetly.

"What are you here for?" Ella asked, anxious to move the conversation.

The girls shrugged in unison and looked at each other again. Lindsay actually giggled and covered her mouth with her hand. Ella remembered feeling the stares and whispers at school, of wanting to be confronted out loud, so she could respond. "What's up, Karen? What's so funny?" she challenged, her hands tight in fists at her sides.

Karen shook her head but Lindsay stepped forward. "It's just, we know the truth."

"Huh? What truth?"

Karen's smile was insincere, like a wince given for a lie. "About Charlie." Karen looked from Ella to Lindsay before continuing, "We know that the baby's his." Ella was silent in her shock, so Karen elaborated, "It's no use covering anymore. Everybody knows. I can't believe you even lied to _me_ about it. Some friend."

"That's not—everybody who? Who says that?"

Lindsay laughed again and mumbled something that sounded like "How lame." Karen shook her head. " _Eve-ry-one._ Give it up, Ella. Don't be pathetic." The girls left Ella standing in the middle of the mall in shock.

"What the..." Alex started, walking up behind. Ella's eyes burned with tears. She had so many conflicting feelings of rage and shock and embarrassment, humiliation and anger, that the overwhelming emotion she registered was confusion. Alex touched her arm. "Hey, c'mon, let's get out of here."

Once in the car, Ella exploded. Tears choked in her throat as she squeezed profanities through her clenched teeth. Alex watched and waited until she calmed enough to talk.

"Ells, what was that about?"

"They said everyone thinks the baby is _Charlie's_. Karen's actually pissed at me for lying to her."

"What the fuck?"

Ella nodded as she tried to slow her breathing. She sighed and put her head back on the headrest. "This sucks, Alex. Sam's as much to blame for this as me and he just walks away. Everyone thinks I'm a slut."

"What are you going to do?"

Ella turned her head to look at Alex. "What _can_ I do? No one will believe me over him."

And since Alex had nothing to suggest, Ella knew she was right.

❊❊❊

**Katherine lounged in bed** beside Danny, each engrossed in a laptop. From the corner of her eye Katherine saw Danny's gaze shift from his screen to hers. "Hey!" She turned her computer from his line of sight. "No peeking!"

Danny shrugged and went back to his own screen. They were writing their profiles and had decided that each would write about the other. Katherine was struggling. She wanted to portray how wonderful Danny was and how amazing he would be as a father without making him sound so perfect that their profile would be tacky and implausible. She wrote about Danny's education and career, about his parents and his comfortable urban upbringing. About his obsessions for basketball and baseball, his favourite food and his penchant for country music. It sounded like a dating profile. She couldn't capture all Danny was in mere words.

Danny shifted off the bed. "I need some milk, want some?" he offered. Katherine shook her head and watched him leave the room. When he was out and down the hall she pulled his computer close and opened the lid, cursing the password screen. She typed in words he had used before, gaining access on her third attempt. She pumped her fist and scrolled to the top of the document.

Danny had written nearly two pages. Like her, he started by telling about her family as she grew up, her degrees and professional choices and then listed some of her favourite and detested music, foods and activities. But as she read beyond those topics, tears fell to her cheeks. His words had captured her heart and her dreams with such eloquence that her breath caught in her throat. His words were raw and touching, resonating her hopes for a family and her need to mother a child. The image he painted of her was both impossibly saintly and agonizingly human. She knew he loved her but she hadn't realized just how much.

Hearing footfalls in the hall, Katherine rushed to close Danny's laptop and place it back on the bed where he'd left it. "You cheated!" he said as soon as he stepped in the room and glanced at her typing innocently on her own computer. "All your rules about some 'big reveal' and you cheat the moment I leave the room?"

She tried to deny his accusations but laughed in spite of herself. "Sorry, Danny, I was stuck. What you wrote is really beautiful." Her voice caught with emotion and she watched his face.

Danny shrugged. "Well, it's mostly lies, but I didn't know what else to put." He ducked, avoiding the pillow she threw at his head.

"I don't know how to write about you," said Katherine.

"Want me to write it? I can make me sound awesome!" Danny put his milk down on the side table and climbed back into bed, placing the computer on his knees.

"No, that's against the rules."

"Back to the rules, are we? I am starting to see how it works. I have rules. You do not."

"Took you long enough! I guess I'll have to take out the part where I said you were smart."

Danny sighed, "Uh-huh." Katherine turned her attention back to her computer, determined to get the profile right. "Shush, I'm trying to work."

The next morning, Katherine unlocked the door and pushed it open, dropping her keys on the table. "Hey Coop, how's my baby?" she cooed as Cooper wagged his body in glee. She kissed him on the soft fur between the eyes then walked to the kitchen with him close in pursuit. She picked up the cordless phone and dialled to listen to the messages. With the password entered and the phone propped on her shoulder she dug into the fridge for leftovers. She deleted the first message, from a telemarketer, and saved the second for Danny. The third stopped her in the middle of the kitchen, Tupperware in hand. She grabbed the phone from her shoulder and pushed the 'one' to start the message over again. When it came to the end she played it once more, then saved it and dialled Danny's number.

"Hello?" Radio and traffic filled the background: he was on his way home.

"Danny, they called. We've been approved! We're eligible to adopt!"

"Well, we sure fooled them!" She could hear the smile in Danny's voice.

❊❊❊

**Ella heard Ben yelling** her name up the stairs: he hated to be late for any reason. She hurried to tie her hair back and pull her Wolves sweatshirt on over her T-shirt. She was excited; hockey was much more entertaining live than on TV. Alex's father had claimed his company's box and given the tickets to his daughter and her friends to celebrate her birthday. Ella bounded down the stairs ignoring her mother's warning to slow down and nearly collided with Charlie in the kitchen.

"Watch it, Lassie, look where you're going," he grumbled, ducking out of her way.

"Shut up, Charlie." She grinned at him. "What are we waiting for? Let's go!" She and Ben called goodbye to their mother in the other room, put on boots and coats then headed out to the car Charlie had borrowed from his father. "I can't wait for that skybox pizza!" Ella announced as she climbed into the backseat.

"Mmm, that sounds good!" Charlie agreed. "And beer. I bet the box is stocked."

Ben glanced at Charlie from the passenger seat. "First, Charles, you're driving. Second, it's her dad's box. He'd know."

"Square," Charlie snarled at Ben. Ella hoped Charlie was joking. Before Halloween, she'd thought the casual drinking they did was harmless. She felt differently now. Charlie glanced at her in the rearview mirror and winked. He's just trying to get Ben going.

"What time did you tell Alex we'd be there?" Ella asked.

"Game starts at seven, I told her we'd be there at six," said Charlie. "We've got lots of time." Ella checked her watch anyway. A beat started on the radio and Ben turned it way up, drowning out their conversation.

When they pulled up in front of her house Alex was watching for them. She was halfway down the drive before Charlie put the car in park. Alex jumped in the back, flushed and grinning. "Hey guys!"

Ben turned the music even louder and they went bouncing into the city. Ella was singing at a red light and caught Charlie's gaze in the rearview mirror. She felt a blush that burned when he laughed and looked away.

After a few minutes of cruising the side streets looking for an empty space, Charlie swung the car into a tight spot and killed the engine. It was a mild night with a clear sky, comfortable for walking. Alex linked her arm in Ella's and they headed towards the arena, leaving the boys to follow behind. Since she and Alex had reconciled, the tension between Ben and Alex had dissipated, leaving the four of them comfortable and easy in each other's company. Ella was grateful. The closer they got to the arena, the thicker the crowd of pedestrians became.

Waiting for the light to change, Ella scanned the crowd. In the middle of one group was an unmistakably tall, curly head. If she hadn't seen him, she would have recognized his laugh when it lit on her ears a moment later. Her stomach clenched. She had done so well to avoid him in the small confines of the school. Of course with my luck I would run into him here! She squeezed Alex's arm and nodded in Sam's direction. Alex glanced his way then suggested, "Let's go down to the other entrance." When the light changed and crowd moved them forward, the group skipped out of the white lines into the street to walk to the other doors. Ella was relieved to have skirted an encounter.

Inside the arena, they followed Alex as she navigated towards the Executive Suites entrance. At the door she handed four tickets to a man in a suit and he waved them up a narrow hallway where they found the 12 on the door of a small room. Two rows of four chairs sat at the glass-walled balcony edge. Along the back was a counter piled high with salty snacks. Under the counter was a small fridge loaded with pop and water. Above, a glass cabinet was filled with tiny liquor bottles. Alex interrupted Charlie's gaze and said, "Don't even think about it!" before he could say anything. He looked shocked and hurt but laughed when Alex turned away.

The announcer came on the PA heralding the entrance of the players, and the crowd cheered when the Wolves' starting lineup took the ice. Alex and Ella settled into seats in the front row while the boys lounged behind them. They stood solemnly as the national anthem was played and shouted as the players took their positions to start the game. Ella was caught up in the excitement of the game and tried to forget her close encounter with Sam. Halfway through the first period, an attendant came into the box and asked if they wanted anything. Ella jumped up, startling the waitress, and the others laughed. "Sorry!" Ella said, feeling a heat rise in her cheeks. "I want pizza!" She fished for some cash as the attendant wrote down her order. Ella settled back down beside Alex and their attention on the game waned. Instead, they chatted about everything and nothing, glancing at the ice whenever the boys cheered or groaned.

At the first intermission, a brigade of pint-sized hockey players took to the ice. A guy on the ice in sneakers and a Wolves jersey introduced the players as five-year-old hockey players from a local league. The crowd cheered as the ten players huddled around the puck and followed it back and forth between the blue lines. "Aren't they freakin' cute?" Alex laughed, clapping as one of the players fell on the puck and rode it into the net.

They were cute. Ella realized her hand was resting on her middle and yanked it away. But her mind stayed on the baby. In a Google search, she had found a picture of a fetus at fourteen weeks. She stared at the picture so long that even there in the arena she could summon it: the body was fully formed with fingers and toes, the head large and round, eyes squeezed shut. Cute. And real—like the skaters below. She could see herself holding a baby like that. A buzzer went and the tiny players scampered off the ice, one of them falling and knocking down two others as he went. Ella laughed because the others laughed and tried to pull herself away from her thoughts.

As the second period started, the waitress returned with their pizza, which was hot and smelled of garlic and spices. Charlie shielded Ben with his body. "Look out, man! Move back or you'll get trampled."

Ella gave Charlie a withering look and walked past with her nose in the air. "For that, I'm eating your piece."

"I assumed you would anyway."

Ella made a show of passing a piece to Alex and Ben and taking one back to her seat for herself. "This is fantastic," she moaned with her mouth full. Charlie rolled his eyes and pushed himself up from his seat. The Wolves won the game, six to four. The friends cleaned away their garbage and headed out through the narrow hallway and down the stairs. The cool air outside was a refreshing change from the recycled, body-warmed air in the arena. Ella turned right and headed up the hill to cross the street at the lights. Looking at her feet, she bumped into someone.

"Oh, excuse me!" Ella said by reflex, looking up.

Sam looked down at her. She was close enough to smell the beer on his breath and took a step back. "Hey Ella," he said softly, his eyes darting from her to her friends then back again. He crossed his arms.

"Hi," Ella breathed. The night around her felt colder. In school Sam avoided her even more effectively than she avoided him. She had even seen him change directions in the hall when he noticed her. Here on the street with his friends whispering taunts behind him, his stance was bolder. His eyes were unsure, though, as if he were wary of a confrontation in spite of his brash body language. His friend bumped his shoulder, pushing him closer. He looked back and then turned to Ella again. "The Wonder Twins and their lovestruck losers are on a date?" Sam said, his voice louder than necessary. His eyes stayed on her and flickered with fear as they widened; they lacked the assurance and bite she heard in his snarl.

"Whatever," Ella managed to say as Alex tugged on her arm. But she stood still, transfixed by the contrast between Sam's nasty voice and his pleading, frightened eyes.

Sam shrugged and swayed a little. "In public even. Hey if he's done hiding, maybe your boyfriend will step up." His eyes looked shocked as the words spat out of his mouth. "That is, if it's even his, right? Who knows?"

With that, time slowed like a special-effects scene in an action movie. Ella registered several things happening at once: her gut clenched as if she'd been punched; Alex's tug on her arm became forceful enough to move her out of the way of the two bodies pushing past her; Ben and Charlie moved as one towards Sam; his eyes widened further as he took a step back, but he was trapped by the cage of friends behind him.

Three paces away, time caught up with her. Charlie stood between Ben and Sam, holding Ben back as he struggled to get past. Sam's friends jeered and egged him on, but he was silent, a look of astonishment on his face. With a hard shove, Charlie spun Ben around and pushed him forward so both boys were walking away. Sam was nudged again and, as if someone had pulled his puppet strings, he opened his mouth and slurred something inaudible to Ella.

Charlie heard. In one fluid movement, he spun around, took two wide strides towards Sam and swung his right fist to land a punch across Sam's face. Sam fell back, caught by his friends. Charlie stood toe-to-toe with Sam, clutched his shirt and hissed something only Sam could hear. Ben grabbed Charlie's arm and pulled. With one last stare at Sam, Charlie turned and walked towards the girls, shaking Ben off his jacket sleeve. When they reached the girls, Ben barked, "Let's go!" and ushered them across the street.

The walk to the car and the drive out of the city were silent. The boys sat up front, seething in their own thoughts. Ella stared out the window, afraid to speak and unleash their anger. Alex was quiet beside her. They dropped Alex off with mumbled good wishes for her birthday.

At home, Ben got out of the car in the driveway and stood waiting for Ella. When she hesitated, he nodded and went into the house alone. Charlie watched Ella in the rearview for a moment then looked away. She pushed open the back door and swung it shut, then pulled open the passenger door. He watched her and tried to smile as she slid into the seat beside him.

"Thank you." Her voice was almost a whisper.

The muscles in Charlie's jaw bulged and then he swallowed, looking at his hands. "Sorry, Lassie, I've caused more shit."

Ella shook her head. "It's not your fault. I should have told you he was telling people that."

Charlie shrugged. "I knew. Locker room ... you know."

"Dammit!" Ella felt a burning blush and turned away from him, looking out the windshield. "What did you say?"

"I denied it at first, but that seemed to encourage him ... so I stopped saying anything at all." Charlie reached and touched Ella's hand. "I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do."

Ella shook her head again. "Doesn't matter now. It's just that everyone thinks..." Her voice trailed off.

Charlie reached across and turned her chin, guiding her to face him. "Everyone who matters knows the truth, Ella," he said, his eyes imploring her to believe him. Easy for you to say. Her stare fixed on his, she tried to believe he was right. His softened into a gentler gaze. Her stomach fluttered. He pulled one corner of his mouth up in a grin and she smiled back and squeezed his hand. "Ow!" Charlie pulled his hand back and looked down at his swelling knuckles.

She couldn't suppress her laugh. "Sorry! Are you alright?" she asked, reaching to touch his hand.

Charlie leaned away, cradling his hand against his chest. "Stay away from me," he laughed. Ella relaxed, the gravity of their conversation broken by the return of his foolishness. Saying "G'night" over her shoulder, she opened the door and stepped into the cold. As she pushed the door closed and hurried into the house, she could feel Charlie's eyes watching her until she waved and closed the heavy door.

❊❊❊

**Katherine checked her watch:** they had a half hour before her parents, and Danny's, would arrive. Cooper followed her to the kitchen, where Danny was checking on the turkey.

She had managed to put off telling their parents about the adoption. Danny had begrudgingly agreed to hold off until they were finished the process. With their approval from the government, Katherine had no more excuses to hide behind. Danny suggested hosting a dinner and telling everyone at once. As if to placate her, he had taken on the tasks of getting the house ready and cooking a turkey dinner. She hadn't raised a finger, which made her feel a little guilty.

"Anything I can do?" she asked, walking up behind him as he stirred a pot on the stove. She slipped her arms around his waist, resting her cheek on his back.

"Sure, stand there like that. That's a huge help."

She giggled, squeezed and kissed his back, then stepped away to lean against the counter. "Are you nervous?"

"Nope. You?"

"Yes! What if they freak out?"

"What if they do?"

She wished she had thick skin like him. He didn't care about what others thought. When he was committed, he went forward and let criticism bounce off him, not unheard, but without effect. To hide the uncertainty on her face, she opened the fridge to find spinach, cucumbers and tomatoes.

"Look: it's what we want to do, so it doesn't really matter if they approve. We'll tell them, they'll give their opinions and then they'll go home. Who knows? Maybe they'll surprise you."

Cooper's feet slid on the floor as he pushed himself up and let out a short, questioning bark. "Showtime!" Danny said. Katherine's heart sped up as she went towards the door just before the doorbell rang.

Katherine couldn't relax enough to follow the polite conversation ricocheting around the table as the food was served. Along with the turkey and spinach salad, Danny had prepared squash, potatoes, corn and stuffing. Katherine's stomach was tight and churned at the warm, spicy scents, but she heaped her plate high to give her a reason to avoid the others' eyes. For a few moments everyone was quiet as they dug into the delicious meal. Katherine dared to glance at Danny at the other end of the table. She caught him watching her with a glint in his eyes and he winked. Curse him—he's enjoying himself. She glared, which made his smile grow until he smothered a laugh.

"This is very good, Daniel," Danny's mother cooed. "I don't know how I managed to raise such a good cook. You're so lucky, Katherine, to have a man who isn't scared of the kitchen." Katherine nodded, resisting the urge to roll her eyes.

"Who said I was scared of the kitchen, Margery?" Danny's father argued. "I just have other things I'd rather do than that women's work." Katherine fixed her eyes on Danny. He laughed.

"It is good, Danny, but why the dinner date? Do you have something you want to talk about?" Katherine's mother asked. Before she could stifle it, Katherine groaned out loud. "What? I'm just asking. This is very nice and all but it smacks of an announcement."

"You're right, Joanne. We have some news," Danny said. Four heads turned expectantly to Danny's end of the table. He winked at Katherine, who glowered at him in response. "Well, Kat and I ... we have been approved to adopt."

Silence.

"Oh." Margery let out her air in one disappointed syllable. Danny looked at her. "Well, it's just, I hoped you were expecting."

"We are expecting, Mom. We just don't know when or who."

Katherine glanced at their fathers. Hers was chewing while listening to Danny, a frown of thought on his forehead. Danny's was eating as if the food might disappear; he was already on his second helping of everything.

Katherine's mother stood from her chair and moved to hug Katherine. "Well, I think you're wonderful! Some poor little baby out there will be saved from an awful life because of you."

"Mom, that's really not the case—" Katherine started, but her mother waved her off and moved to the other end of the table to hug Danny.

Danny's mother looked from Danny to Katherine and back again. "Does that mean you're giving up on having your own baby?"

"Mom, the baby will be our own."

"Oh, you know what I mean."

Danny looked at Katherine before he answered. "We're excited to move forward with adopting."

"Well, I guess that's lovely, dear." Margery flashed a smile at Danny. "And couples usually get pregnant right after they adopt, so you still have some hope."

Katherine had to clench her jaw to keep her thoughts to herself. Her mother jumped into the silence. "When will you know? What do you have to do next? Tell me all about it."

Katherine turned to her mother. "Well, we've been approved by the government. We're writing up our profile, which we'll give to The Children's Heart. They'll show that to birth mothers if it looks like a good fit. If we're chosen, we'll probably find out just after the baby is born."

Margery was pushing her food around on her plate with her fork. Katherine's father was watching the conversation intently with a silent frown. Danny's father helped himself to more potatoes. Katherine's mother frowned at her. "You don't get to pick the baby?"

Before they could answer her father cut in. "So you won't know anything about the birth family's medical history or pregnancy health? What if the baby isn't healthy?"

"When we're matched, we'll receive medical information about the parents and the baby," Katherine responded.

"But what if they're not honest? They may not tell you everything. What if the mother didn't take care of herself? I've heard that the early weeks of pregnancy are the most important. A child can have brain damage from only one drink." Her father wouldn't give up.

"Dad, most babies are fine in spite of what women do while pregnant. There's no reason to believe our baby won't be healthy." Katherine hoped she'd succeeded in keeping her voice light.

"Still," Danny jumped in, "we'll be taking the same risk any pregnancy carries. Who really knows when they get pregnant if their child is going to be healthy? And who knows if a baby born healthy will stay that way?"

"How long will it take?" Katherine's mother asked.

"We have no idea, and asking about it won't push it along. You'll know when we know." Katherine smiled gratefully at Danny. Only he could have said that without coming off as rude. He winked at her. He was still having fun.

Danny scanned the faces at the table and landed on his father, who had been silent throughout. "What do you think, Dad?"

Danny's father looked up, startled. "I think this food is fantastic." He loaded his fork with a sloppy mixture of mashed potatoes, corn and stuffing, and filled his mouth. "And I think I'm going to love being a grandfather!"

❊❊❊

**February blew through, cold** and dark. Ella had never liked the month, with its short days and dirty slush. Valentine's Day came and went with more than its usual lonely bitterness. She used to scoff at the red-strewn holiday when she was a never-kissed girl. The saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at" all haunted her. _Did it count? Did I really love him?_ Now that she was pregnant and alone, heart-shaped decorations made her even more sullen. Even in her own house, her parents left sickly love notes to each other on the kitchen counter. Charlie gave Ella a funny card. She slid it into the frame of her mirror to cheer her up each morning.

Ella still didn't know what she was going to do about the baby. Some days she obsessed about it, trying to list the pros and cons of keeping the baby versus placing it for adoption, but others it was all she could do to push the anxiety aside and ignore the impending decision. Her appointments with the counsellor at The Children's Heart usually helped, though the serenity she achieved there faded when she returned to the real world. At school, Sam avoided her at all costs. Late one afternoon on her way to her locker, Ella spotted him headed into the gym. Stopped alone in the hall, his gaze met hers and their eyes locked. Sam's left eye was still black and nearly swollen shut, an angry green bruise creeping from his eye socket down into his cheek. It looked like it hurt. Ella set her jaw, refusing to look away first. He gave an apologetic shrug with a wince. He looked away but stood still. To get to her locker, she had to walk past him. She squared her shoulders and walked forward, concentrating on keeping her eyes off the floor.

As she passed him, he whispered, "Ella." She stopped but couldn't bring herself to look at him. "Ella ... I'm sorry about the other night. I was drinking and the guys were ... I'm sorry." Ella held her breath, unable to move forward. "And I'm sorry about that, uh, rumour. I told you my family couldn't know. I didn't know what else to say when my folks found out."

Ella reared and stepped into his face. Sam stumbled back out of her way. "You could have told the truth, Sam. You could have told everyone the truth." She stared him down and lowered her voice. "You still can."

Sam's eyes were wide, his voice shook. "I—I can't. My family isn't like yours. They'd never forgive me. I told you, if you kept the—if you keep it, you'd be—I can't do it."

His eyes darted from hers to the gym doors, when they banged open. In her periphery she could see two guys watching them, but she kept her eyes on Sam. "You know it's yours."

With a final glance at their audience, Sam pulled himself taller. His mouth pulled back into a sneering grin and he gave a cold chuckle. "The hell I do. It could be anyone's." His eyes barely met hers, but when they did she saw they hadn't changed. They still showed fear and sadness that was impossible to reconcile with his hurtful words.

Ella turned and walked away; she had wasted her last breath on him. The startling truth was, with that conversation the weight of her anger evaporated, leaving her feeling lighter than she had in a very long time. A smile even played on her lips as she turned the corner. There stood Charlie, leaning with his shoulder against her locker, thumbs twitching on his phone. He looked up and grinned at her. "Hey, Lassie!" She didn't even cringe at the name.

#  MARCH

**The house was quiet** as Ella worked her way through her math homework, wishing she had paid more attention in class. The answer was somewhere in her textbook, but she didn't understand enough to find it. She threw down her pencil and it bounced oddly off the textbook, rolled off the desk and under her bed. She growled aloud. The space underneath was a lot harder to reach with the new bulk in her front. _I need a break anyway._ She headed down to the kitchen, poured a glass of milk and stole two cookies from the pantry. One was gone before she got back to her room but she nibbled on the second as she untangled the problem in her book.

She was engrossed in the last problem when her mother called up the stairs. Ella hadn't heard her come in, and she sounded annoyed. She wondered how many times her mother had called up.

"I'm coming!" Ella yelled back, sighing before she went downstairs.

"Look at this place! What have you been doing all day?" her mother asked when Ella stepped into the kitchen. "I assume these are your breakfast dishes? And you left the milk out?"

The milk carton stood, warm and open, on the counter where she left it. She felt guilty for the mess but more annoyed by her mother's accusation—even if it was true. "I've been studying. Maybe Ben left it out, he's not perfect, you know."

"Watch your tone, Ella. I'm only asking you to show some responsibility and clean up after yourself. This has nothing to do with Ben."

Ella's frustration was burning a short fuse already frayed by her difficult homework. She felt herself start to blow and couldn't stop it. "Yeah. Responsibility. I'm sure it's the milk you're talking about."

"What exactly do you mean by that?" Her mother's voice was even but her question was loaded.

Ella wished she hadn't said anything at all, that she could stop herself from digging in deeper, but she felt out of control. "Responsibility? It's not the milk. I'm so irresponsible, I get knocked up and ruin everything."

"Ella, watch your—"

"How is it any different from you anyway? Like mother like daughter, right?"

"Excuse me?"

"I wasn't exactly planned either, was I? Same stupid mistake. Two babies in eleven months? It would be better for everyone if you hadn't made that mistake."

"Enough!" Ella hadn't heard her father walk into the kitchen behind her, but his stern voice stopped her rant dead. She wheeled around to face him, her face wet with tears.

"I was done anyway!" she yelled, storming out of the room, up the stairs and slamming her bedroom door. Where did that come from? She was frustrated, sure, but she had never yelled like that at her parents. Maybe I am just a screwup and it's all coming out now. Ella cried for a while, then rubbed the heels of her hands into her eyes and blew her nose. She put her hair up and forced herself back to the desk and her homework. She couldn't concentrate, but she made herself sit and look at the page anyway—as if finishing the assignment would prove she wasn't a lost cause. Not yet, anyway. A light knock fell on the door, and although she didn't want to she said, "Come in."

It wasn't her mother, but her father who opened the door.

He crossed the room and sat on her bed, studying his hands. Ella kept her eyes on her paper, blinking and trying not to cry. Her father's silence gnawed at her conscience, nurturing her guilt and making her stomach burn until she couldn't stand it any longer. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I know. You need to apologize to your mother as well."

"I will."

They fell silent again.

"Ella, look at me." She didn't want to, but she turned to face him. His face was serious and looked older without his usual silly grin. His eyes studied her a moment before he spoke. "Your mother and I are having trouble with this." She nodded, not trusting herself to speak aloud. "We never wanted this for you, and, honestly, it's not what we expected of you. Of course we're disappointed, who wouldn't be?"

He paused and Ella hoped he didn't want an answer from her. After a moment, he went on. "We're trying very hard to be supportive. Obviously we have our preference, you're so young and you shouldn't have to—but we've decided we need to step back and not influence your decision. Does that make sense?" Ella nodded again and swallowed. "Our disappointment doesn't change who you are or how we feel about you. You made a mistake, but we still love you. I need you to know that." Ella wanted to look away but she couldn't. Her throat was so tight, it hurt. Her father stood and touched her head. He seemed to have said his piece. On his way out of the room he turned to her. "And you're right, you were an unplanned surprise. But I wouldn't have it any other way."

❊❊❊

**Katherine floated up out** of her deep sleep, relishing the opportunity to stay in bed. Cooper's warm body was curled up against her. Without opening her eyes, she reached out and put her hand on his side, feeling his ribs move under his thick fur. Katherine loved slow Saturday mornings.

She dozed off again but woke when Cooper's tail whomped on the bed and she heard Danny's feet come into the room. The bed shifted as he sat on the edge and put his hand on her hip. She heard the rattling of dishes being set on his bedside table. "Hey, Kat. Kat? Are you awake?"

"No."

"Well, wake up!" He flopped back on the bed, bouncing her on the mattress.

"No."

He rolled over and curled up behind her, his head held in the hand he propped up on his elbow. His free hand moved from her hip to brush the hair off her face. He leaned in and sang off-key in her ear. "Happy birthday to you..." She groaned and pulled the covers up over her head.

He tugged at the blanket until he unburied her head then smoothed the hair back out of her face. "I brought you breakfast in bed. Aren't you hungry?"

"No!" she growled, fighting to keep the laugh out of her voice.

"If you don't want breakfast, what do you want?"

"Sleep."

Danny lay back beside her and sighed. "Alright. If that's what you want, I'll wait." He started to hum an unrecognizable tune. When she pulled the covers back over her head, he hummed louder and started bouncing his feet.

Finally she sat up, glaring at him. "Oh, good! You're up!" He beamed. He sat up, reached for the tray and placed it on her lap. He pointed to the omelet, toast and cereal as proudly as a seven-year-old. "You love breakfast in bed!"

"Sure." She tipped her head towards her clock: 7:43 a.m. "But usually a little later than this."

"It was ready." Danny eyed her tray. "You gonna eat that?" Katherine shook her head and Danny took the piece of toast.

"So I've got the day planned," he mumbled with his mouth full. "Next year we might have to go to Denny's for dinner, you know, dining with a kid and all, so this year we're doing it up."

The omelet tasted fantastic: cheesy with sharp pepper. Katherine took another bite and asked, "What are we doing?"

Danny grinned, taking the spoon out of her cereal to help himself to her eggs. "Not telling."

"A hint?"

"Nope!" He looked from her cereal back to her, raising his eyebrows. She rolled her eyes and he took the cereal from her tray.

"Can I at least go back to sleep for a bit?"

"Nope. We've got to get going. Get in the shower—you should see your hair." Katherine balled up the napkin from the tray and threw it at him as he scooped up the last of the eggs.

She lifted the glass of milk as he took the tray away. "Geez, with a start like this I'm lucky I only have a birthday once a year."

True to his word, Danny had planned out a fantastic day. They began with a trip to the art gallery that she'd been trying to get him to visit with her for years. Hints and suggestions had turned into direct requests, but he'd always had a reason why he couldn't go, and in the end she had stopped asking. She loved sauntering through the gallery, perusing the art and soaking up the atmosphere. And she loved Danny for his effort to be patient as he followed her through the rooms feigning interest in each piece she scrutinized.

After the gallery, they poked through shops downtown. Danny made a big deal about wanting to take her on a harbour cruise, and she laughed when they ended up at the ferry terminal for a round trip on public transit. For dinner, he had tickets to the dinner theatre. They laughed through their meal as the actors sang and danced around them. He threatened to tell them it was her birthday but must have seen the intent to kill in her eyes.

By the end of the day, Katherine was exhausted but happy. Their night ended in a hot bubble bath and a bottle of wine. When the conversation quieted, she smiled at Danny and said, "Thank you for today."

He grinned back. "You're welcome, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Hopefully next year will be a lot different. Who knows, we may be so messed up from parenting fatigue that we forget it altogether."

"What if we're not parents by then?" she tried to tease, but her voice fell flat.

"Well then, we'll just have to repeat today."

"Even the art gallery?"

"Of course, that was the best part." His sheepish laugh gave him away.

"We'll hope for your sake that next year revolves around nap time and family-friendly dining."

Danny smiled. "Come on, I'm cold. Let's go warm up."

❊❊❊

**Ella lay on her side** , propping her book up on a pillow. She was trying to concentrate but realized she had just read the same page without taking in a single word for the second time. She sighed and closed the book. On the cover a smiling woman cradled her swollen middle beside the title: _What to Expect When You're Expecting_. The brightly coloured quilt border and happy mom-to-be didn't fit with her own situation but her mother said "it's a classic" when she handed it to her. She tossed it aside with a heavy _thunk_ and sat up.

She looked down at the generous folds of the sweatshirt she was wearing, one that had been passed back and forth so many times between Charlie and Ben that neither remembered whose it was. She had stolen it from Ben's laundry basket in the living room. It was big on her. Only her lowest-rise jeans fit—and only if she looped a hair elastic through the buttonhole to catch the button on the other side. She was thankful that the cool March weather allowed her to hide her bulge in bulky tops. She hoped no one else could see her showing. Yet.

She put her hands on either side of her belly and pushed the sweatshirt flat. There was a decided roundness when the material was tight over her middle. She stood in front of the mirror. For a moment she saw herself in her Halloween costume, flushed with insecurity about her skimpy outfit and excitement for the party. She squeezed her eyes shut then opened them and the memory was gone. She studied her current self. The sweatshirt had billowed past her hips, hiding her shape. She made sure the door was closed and pulled the sweatshirt off over her head, forcing herself to look. Unclothed, the bulge was unmistakable—round and firm above the waist of her sweats. Her skin stretched taunt over the bump, shiny in the light from the window. For what felt like the millionth time, she whispered, "What am I going to do?"

A knock on the door startled Ella out of her brooding. She hurried to pull the sweatshirt back on just before Ben pushed the door ajar and held out the phone. "It's for you." She hadn't heard it ring. She took it, thanking him as he pulled the door shut.

She returned to the bed and lay back, expecting to hear Alex's voice. "Hello?"

"Hey, Lassie," Charlie greeted.

"Hey, Charlie." She tried to hide her surprise.

"What are you doin'?" She thought she detected a hint of nerves in his voice. That's weird.

"Reading," Ella lied. "You?"

"Nothing." He paused. "I was thinking, uh, I mean, do you wanna go to dinner ... maybe a movie?"

"Sure, did you ask Ben yet?"

Another pause. "No, I mean—ask him if you want but I, uh, was actually thinking you and I could go. You know, alone. But ask him, 'course. If you... want to."

Ella didn't know what to say. Some rational part of her mind that seemed to be working independently spoke up. "No, we can go, Charlie," she heard herself say. "What time?"

"I'll pick you up at five—that's a couple of hours. That enough?"

Ella tried to laugh. "How ugly do you think I am? I shouldn't need more than that to make myself presentable for the public."

She thought his laugh sounded relieved. "If you need more time to hide the uglies, lemme know. See you." He hung up before she could respond. Ella lay there for a minute staring at the phone in disbelief. She racked her brain for a hint that might have predicted the phone call. In the weeks since the hockey game—no, since before the hockey game—Charlie had spent more time at their house. He had gone with her to a few of Alex's games, too. And there was that Saturday night he had come over to watch movies, even though Ben had a date with Emily Crolle. Ella had assumed he was recruited by Alex and Ben to help keep her busy. Now, looking back, she was surprised to feel somewhat fluttery at the idea that Charlie's intentions might have been different. She shook her head to straighten her thoughts. Surely she was reading far too much into his call. It was Charlie. Though it didn't sound like Charlie. He probably wanted to take her out because Alex and Ben were busy. But Ben doesn't have plans.

She bit her lip, worrying. Will Ben feel left out? It didn't sound as if Charlie had mentioned the movie to him. As if summoned by her thoughts, there was a knock at her door and Ben stepped into her room. "You off the phone? I need it."

She handed him the phone and he turned to leave. "Ben, that was Charlie."

He turned back. "Yeah, I know. I gave you the phone, remember?"

"He, um, he asked if I wanted to go out." She watched for his reaction but he smiled and his eyes flicked with humour. He's laughing at me!

"Yeah, I know. I told him to."

Ella felt a whoosh of deflation and was surprised at her reaction. "Oh," she said softly. This conspiracy to keep her sane went deeper than she thought if Ben was asking friends to spend time with her. Her temper flared and she stood to confront her brother. "You don't need to do that, you know. I was perfectly happy to stay here tonight."

Ben's face showed he was taken aback. "If you don't want to go, just tell him."

Her arms crossed. "It's not that! I just don't need you guys taking pity on me and trying to fill my every moment with something to keep my mind off things. I'm not going to go crazy if left on my own."

He narrowed his eyes. "I know that." His voice was even.

She instantly felt bad for barking at him. He's only trying to help. With a sigh, she let her arms and defences fall. "What are you doing tonight?"

He shrugged. "Dunno. I should work on my history paper but I'll probably watch a movie." He smiled. "Talk to Charlie, sis. Go to dinner, have fun and talk to Charlie." He turned and left the room.

Ella spent the next couple hours trying to occupy her time and her mind. She couldn't concentrate on the book or her homework so she ended up tidying her room. Even then she was ready early in spite of the difficulty of finding something to wear. She was dressed in jeans and a flowing, empire-waist top that hid the bump well. She braided her hair back in one long plait and put on a little grey eye shadow and spring-coloured lip gloss. Even if this wasn't a real date, it wouldn't hurt to try to look nice. As she waited, she tried to quell the butterflies in her stomach by shifting through the pages in her playbook. She wondered what was wrong with her. A few minutes before five the front storm door slammed and she heard Charlie greet her mother in the kitchen. Ella took one more glance at the mirror, tried to blow her nerves out in one strong exhale and left her room.

"Hey, Lassie," Charlie said when she walked in the kitchen. She frowned at him and then smiled at her mother.

"You look nice, sweetheart." Ella muttered thanks to her mother but felt her cheeks burn.

Ben entered the room, saving her from the scrutiny. "Hey, Charlie." Ella wondered if she imagined the look they shared. "Where are you guys going?"

Charlie shrugged and looked at Ella. "I dunno, I thought I'd let Ella decide." She felt his gaze grow heavy and looked away.

Her mother looked from her to Charlie and then to her son. "Aren't you going with them?"

"Nope. They're going on a date." Ella didn't appreciate the smile Ben threw her way, or dare to look up at Charlie to see his reaction to Ben's teasing.

"Ella—" Her mother's voice was strained.

"Don't be stupid, Ben, we're just having dinner. Right, Charlie?"

Ella ignored the way he shifted his feet, "Ah, yeah. Just dinner."

"See? I won't be late, Momma," she promised as she gave her a quick hug. She went to the door and put on her jacket and boots.

Charlie waved to Ella's family and said, "See ya later," as he followed her out the door. Before she reached the car, Charlie stepped past her to open the passenger-side door. She smiled and let him close it behind her.

They drove in silence. She tried not to frown at the tension, but she was nervous and didn't understand why. Charlie seemed on edge too. She didn't like it at all, feeling anxious around him. Charlie was Charlie. They had always been easy together. He glanced over and smiled at her. "Where do you want to eat?"

"What if we try that new place in the park? I heard it's pretty good."

He nodded. "Sounds good."

Ella frowned out her own window. Maybe he doesn't really want to be here with me? Maybe he was annoyed that Ben asked him to take me out. Maybe he had other plans? She heard Ben's patient directive in her mind: "Talk to Charlie." She ignored her tightening gut. "Charlie?"

Charlie glanced from the road to her, raising his eyebrows. "Yeah, Lassie?"

Thankful for some familiarity in the strange atmosphere, she threw him a customary glare and took a deep breath. "I know that Ben told you to take me out tonight." Charlie opened his mouth, so she raised her hand and rushed into her thoughts. "I don't need babysitters. I know you and Alex and Ben are trying to help me, but I'm really okay to spend time alone. I'm not going to off myself or anything."

He looked at her. His eyes were grinning but his mouth struggled to stay straight. "You done?" She nodded but her temper flared at his joviality. "Ben didn't tell me to take you out. He told me to ask you out to dinner."

"Same difference!" She rolled her eyes and opened her mouth to argue more.

"Would you shut up for a minute?" She turned and gawked at him. He took a deep breath. "I've wanted to ask you out for a while now, Ells. Just you and me. Ben's right. This sorta is a date, though maybe you shouldn't tell your mom." She felt the fluttering in her belly intensify. What is wrong with me? This was Charlie talking, and obviously he was crazy. She tried to hide her thoughts when he glanced at her with a weak smile. "Say something?" he pleaded just above a whisper.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Dammit, Lassie, for a smart girl you're sorta dense." Ella scowled at him. "When you were with Sam, I ... well, I knew you liked him and all, but..." His voice trailed off. He took a deep breath and started again. "At first I thought it was, you know, stupid big brother type stuff, but..." Charlie's hands gripped the steering wheel, turning his knuckles white. She had rarely seen him this unnerved. "Then all that happened after Christmas and I ... well, I didn't want to say anything in case you'd get mad or ... something." He looked at her. She met his worried eyes as they searched her face. "Ben, he figured me out, and he's been on my case for a couple of weeks. Today he ... convinced me to ask you out." He pulled up to a red light, glanced at her and then back out to the windshield. "Look, it's stupid, just never mind ... I know it's terrible timing and everything. Just forget it."

Ella was surprised by her wet eyes. She blinked and whispered, "I don't think it's stupid."

He looked at her and his eyebrows shot up. "No?" She shook her head, not trusting her voice. "Let's take it pitch by pitch? If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Deal?" He took his right hand off the steering wheel and held it out to her.

"Deal." She offered her left hand to shake but he didn't let go. She felt a tingle from the warmth of his hand travel up her arm and down her side to her stomach, where the butterflies multiplied.

By the time the food came to their table, they had settled back into a comfortable rapport. Her tension had dissipated, leaving in its place a warm, excited anticipation that she hadn't felt before. She remembered the anticipation she'd felt when she started dating Sam, but it had had an edge or bite, a thrill of risk. While she ate and chatted and laughed with Charlie, the buzz of anticipation felt safe and secure. And right.

The ride home was quiet. Ella held her hands in her lap, fighting the urge to reach over to Charlie in the driver's seat. It felt as if she was dreaming and if she could touch his arm, his leg, hold his hand, it would prove he was real. After Charlie pulled into her driveway and turned off the engine, his hands fell to his lap and he turned to look at her.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

Charlie raised his eyebrows and continued. "What do you think? Should we go out again sometime?" Ella reached across and put out her hand. He smiled at her and turned his hand over, grasping hers palm to palm.

"I'd like that." They looked at each other for a long moment. Ella was scared Charlie was going to kiss her, and she was scared he wasn't. He reached up and brushed a loose lock of hair away from her face.

With a sigh, Charlie squeezed her hand then took his back. "C'mon Lassie, I'll walk you in." They hurried through the cold to the front porch and Charlie held the screen door while Ella opened the wooden one. He followed her into the entryway and stood while Ella fiddled for the light. The TV bellowed in the other room.

"Do you want to come in?"

Charlie shook his head. "No, I should get going."

"You mean you should escape and let me face Ben's questions alone." The truth of her accusation showed in his abashed smile. "Nice." They were quiet for a moment. "Thanks, Charlie, I had a really great time."

He smiled softly. "Me too, Lass." Without another word, he went out to the car. She watched him leave the driveway before she closed the door.

Ella didn't want to talk to anyone. She wanted to relish the feelings she was discovering and keep them to herself. But her parents would worry until they knew she was home. She peeked into the living room where her mother lounged on the couch, legs crossed at the ankles laying over her father's lap. "Hey, I'm home," she said and turned to go upstairs.

Her mother sat up. "Hi honey, how was your night?"

Ella resisted the urge to sigh and turned back to her mother with a smile. "Um, we had a good time."

Her mother's face shifted as if thoughts warred in her mind. Ella knew her mother loved Charlie as if he were her own, but she didn't look thrilled. "I'm glad you had a good time. Just be careful, though. You have a lot on your plate right now." Ella didn't know how to respond to that. Be careful of what? It's just Charlie. She nodded anyway.

Ella trudged upstairs and stretched out on her bed, frowning at the knock that came a moment later. Ben pushed the door open enough to stick his head in. "Well?" She had to laugh at the way his "Well?" mirrored Charlie's in the car.

She pushed herself up and smiled at Ben as he sank into her desk chair. "It was good. I had a great time."

"Are you going out again?"

Ella nodded and felt foolish that her smile was wider than she wanted it to be. She studied Ben, trying to guess his thoughts. "What about you, what do you think?"

"Does it matter?"

"I guess it doesn't matter ... 'cept you're my brother and his best friend and we've always done stuff, you know, all together."

"I think you're both boneheads for not seeing it sooner." Ella winced at what he didn't say: before Sam. Ben stood and looked back at her, as if deciding on something. "What's the worst that could happen? He could knock you up?"

Ella groaned and threw her stuffed puppy at him. He caught it cleanly and threw it back. "G'night sis," he said over his shoulder, shutting the door behind him.

❊❊❊

**When Katherine got home** from work there was a message from The Children's Heart asking her to return their call at her convenience. She dialled their number from memory and willed someone to pick up. On the third ring, Carole's familiar voice answered.

"Hi Carole, it's Katherine." Her voice felt stretched with anxiety.

"Hi! I'm glad you called. How have you been?"

"Great!" She wanted to scream, Skip the small talk, why did you call? but didn't. "You?"

"Good, good." Carole paused and Katherine waited, holding her breath. "I called earlier because you and Danny asked to be informed when your profile was reviewed. We had a new client last week and we've put your profile forward for their consideration." Katherine's mouth was instantly dry, her words caught in the cotton of her throat. "Katherine? Are you there?"

"Yeah, yes, I'm here! When will we know?" The questions piled up in her head faster than she could dance her tongue around them.

"Well, your profile was one of five offered to the family for review." Katherine heard the warning in Carole's voice but couldn't stop the surge of excitement pulling in her chest and tugging the edges of her mouth up into a ridiculous grin. "The baby is not due for a few months yet, so the family has some time to make their choice. When we have a decision from them, we will let you know."

"That's great, thanks!" Katherine hoped her voice didn't sound as foolish to Carole as it did to herself.

"Hang in there, it may be a long wait yet."

Or it could be mere months away, she corrected Carole silently. Katherine said goodbye and did a happy dance in the kitchen, waving her arms and wiggling her backside. Cooper looked up from his cushion on the floor and thumped his tail. With great obligation, he pushed himself onto all fours and plodded over to the kitchen, where he barked once. She stopped dancing and smiled down at him, taking his wide head in both of her hands to plant a kiss between his eyes. "This may be it, Coop! This may be it!"

By the time Danny arrived just over an hour later, Katherine had pulled together a celebratory meal of homemade chili and biscuits, spinach salad and red wine. The table was set, complete with candles, and the radio played in the background. She'd even refreshed her makeup and slipped into her go-to black dress and strappy heels.

Walking into the dining room, Danny stopped in his tracks, eyes wide. "Uh oh ... what did I forget?" Katherine flashed a grin and hurried to wrap him in a tight hug. He hugged her back then pushed her away. "Kat?"

She took a deep breath and rushed to tell him everything before she ran out of air. "Carole called. They offered our file for review. We are one of five but those are pretty good odds, aren't they? That's like twenty percent. And we're awesome, so we probably have a better-than-normal chance, right? It's our first real shot and I'm really feeling good—I mean this could be IT. I thought we should celebrate!"

He laughed and hugged her again. "Let's sit down so you can start from the beginning." The chili was spooned out and the wine poured. Katherine scooped some sour cream onto her chili and stirred it in, watching the white swirls become lost in the ruddy brown. "Tell me again," Danny said. "But make sense this time."

She tried to throw him a withering glance but her happy smile ruined the effect. "Okay. Carole called and left a message that we should call her back, so I did."

He nodded and spoke as he took a big bite out of a biscuit. "I go' 'at muh."

"She told me they have a new family placing their baby and ours was one of the profiles put forward!" She heard her pitch rise with excitement and watched for his face to light up.

Instead, he frowned. "How many profiles did you say they are looking at?"

"Four others besides ours." Her smile slipped a little at his subdued reaction.

"Five is a lot of profiles, Kat. It's far from a sure bet."

"But we've got a great profile!" She heard pleading in her own voice. "We've got a good shot! I can feel it!" She didn't like the way he smiled at her. "Aren't you happy about this, Danny?"

He squeezed her hand. "Of course I am. It's great to hear we have a chance." His voice was flat.

"But?"

"But, I don't think we should get our hopes up. This dinner is nice and you look fantastic but I don't think we should celebrate yet."

Katherine felt the wind knocked out of her sails. "Fine," she snapped, digging her spoon into her chili and eating without looking up at him. The chili burned in her tight throat as she willed herself not to cry. She had been so excited about Carole's news and couldn't wait to share it with him. She couldn't believe his apathy.

"Kat."

"No, it's fine." She knew she was being short. "You're right."

"Katherine." His voice was firm and she looked up at him. "It's good news, really, I'm happy to hear it. I just don't want us to be hurt again, you know?" She looked away but nodded.

"I just have a feeling. I have a feeling this could be it." She looked back at his eyes, hoping he believed her, as if his faith in her intuition would give it credence and a greater probability of being right.

"I hope it is." Her frustration ebbed away as she recognized the truth in his eyes.

❊❊❊

**Ella put her lunch** down on the table beside Alex and, lifting her leg over the top of the chair to straddle it, began to slide down into her customary plastic seat. She misjudged the space and bumped the table with her belly. She winced, glancing to see who noticed, but if they did, her friends had the grace to ignore it. "Hey, Ells," Alex said. Across the table Ella caught Charlie's gaze. He was watching her from under his brow, but grinned when their eyes met. She liked that he winked at her.

"Ella, is Mom picking you up early today?" Ben asked from the end of the table.

She hesitated for a moment, locked in her silent exchange with Charlie, then blinked hard and turned to her brother. "Yeah, I have that doctor's appointment. She's supposed to be here at two thirty. Why?"

"I wanted to stick around for the open gym but I don't want to take the late bus."

"I can come back and get you after my appointment. Maybe if I'm done early enough I could shoot some too."

"Can you drive me home too?" Charlie pulled her attention back.

Ella shrugged. "Rides aren't free, you know."

"I can pay." His eyes were steady on hers.

Out of the corner of her eye, Ella saw Alex look back and forth from her to Charlie with a quizzical expression, and she realized they were tipping their hand. Ella laughed off the banter and nodded. "I'll check with Mom and make sure she doesn't need the car and let you know before I go." Ella tried to ignore Alex's scrutiny beside her and took a long gulp of her water. She and Charlie had agreed to keep their relationship quiet until they decided where it was going. They were concerned about how their friends would react, especially if it didn't work out. Of course Ben knew, but Ella had threatened him to keep it quiet. He was good at keeping secrets.

Ella and Charlie had gone on a few more dates and she'd loved every minute alone with him. They were no longer tense together but had not fallen back into their familiar comfort either. Instead, she felt a new contentment that buzzed with energy. She felt secure and safe when she was with him but in a way that held anticipation about where they were headed. On their dates they flirted and held hands, but around their friends they resorted to their usual sibling-like bickering. Apparently, though, Alex wasn't fooled.

Ella felt badly keeping it from Alex. She had told Alex pretty much everything since the pregnancy and had really grown to rely on her support. She always seemed to know whether Ella needed someone to sit quietly with her while she cried or someone to pull her up and make her laugh and forget her stresses for a while. Ella scraped the last of the yogurt and tucked the plastic spoon and foil lid into the empty cup.

Alex nudged her arm again. "I have to go to the library. Wanna come?" Her invitation was thick with intention.

"Sure," Ella said, collecting her garbage.

The boys watched them stand and Ella thought she saw Charlie give a minuscule nod. She hoped it was his subtle blessing to tell Alex. "I'll text you guys after I talk to Mom. See you later." She followed Alex out of the caf.

"Alright, what the hell is up with you and Charlie?" Alex pounced as soon as they were in the hall. "All week you've been flashing goo-goo eyes at each other." Ella smiled and nodded. "Really?" Alex's questioning frown spread into a grin.

"Yeah. But we're not telling anyone yet."

"When did this happen?"

"A couple of weeks ago. I really wanted to tell you, but we didn't want things to get all complicated if it wasn't even going to work out."

"So, is it ... working out?"

Ella bit her lip. "I hope so. We're taking it really slow. I mean, he hasn't even kissed me yet." She heard the bite of impatience in her voice and Alex laughed.

"Well, I think it's awesome, for both of you." Alex's smile was bright and genuine. Her eyes even glistened.

"Thanks. Me too." They reached the library doors and Ella stopped when Alex pushed the door open. "I need to go call Mom. Are you going to stay after school too? I can drive you home."

"Yeah, sure, sounds fun. I'll see you later." Alex turned and headed into the library, letting the door close behind her.

Ella went out to the front steps of the school, where several other students stood huddled against the cold air, talking on the phones they weren't allowed to use inside the building. She turned her phone on and dialled her mother's number.

In biology Ella passed her note of early dismissal to her teacher at the beginning of class. The irony was not lost on her that she required her mother's permission to leave school early to attend a doctor's appointment for her pregnancy. She watched the clock instead of paying attention, and at twenty past she collected her books and hurried to her locker knowing her mother would be already waiting in the parking lot.

The ride over was quiet and her mother didn't say anything during the doctor's appointment. When they got back to the car afterwards her mother asked, "You okay?"

Ella nodded. The appointment had been routine: the doctor had measured her blood pressure and felt for the baby with her hands. But routine didn't make it easier to face reality. "What am I going to do, Momma?" Her voice cracked.

"I wish I could tell you. I know it's very hard but I'm confident you will make the right decision."

"What would you do?"

Her mother gave a slight smile and shook her head. "That's cheating. The truth is, I don't know what I would do. Things were very different when I was seventeen. I suspect I wouldn't have had a choice in the matter."

Wouldn't that be easier?

They drove in silence until they came to an intersection. "Do you still want to go back to the gym?" asked Ella's mother. "Or do you want me to go and get Ben?"

"I still want to go. I think it will help me clear my head." She wanted to see Charlie but didn't say that part out loud.

"Alright, drop me at home then and I'll get supper on."

Ella tried not to speed but felt the minutes ticking away as she headed back to the school. She swung the car crookedly over two spots in the near-empty lot and hurried into the school. She was thankful she had chosen to wear her yoga pants that morning since it saved time with changing. The soothing ricochet of a basketball met her before she opened the doors to the gym and she finally smiled.

She sat on the lowest bleacher and kicked off her boots, slipping her sneakers on in their place. Charlie stopped shooting and sauntered over to sit beside her. Ella didn't miss the beaming smile Alex gave her when Charlie left their game. He brushed Ella's side as he sat and she was thrilled that he was sitting closer than usual. "Hey," she said.

"Hey yourself. How'd it go?"

"Ugh," Ella groaned. She took a deep breath and bent over her lap to tie her shoes. She hoped he couldn't see her struggle to reach the laces past the bump in her middle and breathe at the same time.

"Everything okay?" His voice held an edge of concern.

"Oh yeah, yeah ... everything's fine. It's just hard to go."

"Yeah, I can imagine." He rested his hand on her knee. She smiled, soothed by his concern and his touch.

They were interrupted by Ben's shout from under the basket. "Hey! You going to coo at each other or are we going to play ball?"

"Ball!" Ella shouted back and jumped up to catch the pass Ben threw her. "Alex and me against you two wimps." They had been playing her differently than before, avoiding contact at all costs, which inadvertently removed their advantage of physical strength. She and Alex had as good a shot as they did, if not better. If there was ever a time she and Alex could beat the boys, it was then.

"You sure?" Ben asked.

"Of course we're sure," Alex said. "What's wrong? Scared of losing to girls?"

Ben grinned at her and raised his eyebrows with a nod. "Alright. But no pouting. I'm not sure I'm up for the hissy fit you'll throw when you lose." He held up his hands for the ball. "Check the ball, we'll go with ladies first."

Ella passed him the ball with a hard chest pass. He caught it cleanly but looked at her with mock disgust. "Check," he said and passed it back.

Ella watched as Alex fought with Charlie for position. She put the ball to the floor and stepped towards Ben, who took a step back instead of blocking her. Given the space, Ella pulled up and put a jump shot straight through the net. Alex hooted and clapped her hands then slapped Ella's palm. She took the ball to the top of the key while Ella took position on the box under the net. Ella watched as Alex planned out her play with her eyes. Ella crossed the key to the second box, waited a moment for Ben to catch up then curled off him back across the key, left hand stretched open. Alex stepped into Charlie and, spinning on her right heel, passed the ball into the space in front of Ella. Ella caught it, turned and shot another swish through the ropes.

Charlie glared at Ben. "C'mon, Parker! What are you doing? Watching the show?" Ella laughed as she high-fived Alex. She could see Ben's frustration but didn't feel one bit bad for him. Her situation had to have some kind of a silver lining.

Ben glowered back at Charlie, passing him the ball. "You do better then, Chuck." Charlie's eyes darkened. They all knew he hated that nickname, reserved for moments of high competition or annoyance.

"I will," Charlie said, his voice even and flat. He faced Ella at the foul line. He palmed the ball and held it out to her but pulled it back when she reached for it. Ella rolled her eyes, cocked her hip and stood with her hands out, waiting for him to pass. "Check!" he said as he tossed it to her then took two quick steps closer. Alex crossed the key so Ella bounced the ball to her under Charlie's arm then moved away to get open. Charlie stayed between Ella and the ball, his hands brushing against her legs to stay close. Alex made a drive for the basket but pulled up short when Ben blocked her. Ella stepped back out of Charlie's reach and cut to the top of the key a step ahead of him. Alex passed and Ella caught the ball and squared to the net, pulling her hands up for a set shot.

Charlie caught up to Ella just before she released the ball and threw his arms around her middle, picking her up with a spin. Ella screeched and the ball flew wide of the net. Charlie set her down on her feet and their eyes met. She tried to yell, "Foul!" but her voice cracked and came out as a weak whisper. Charlie laughed and bent his head to press her lips with his. Taken by surprise, Ella hesitated a moment before kissing him back. When he pulled his head up, she whispered, "Foul" again.

Ben spiked the basketball, sending it flying into the air. "Really? Here? In the sanctity of the court?"

Without looking away, Charlie said, "Cool it, Parker. That was a better move than you've shown all week."

❊❊❊

**Katherine loved to cook** with Danny. They would step around each other in their small kitchen as if choreographed. Sometimes they'd chat about nothing, other times they had serious conversations and made life-changing decisions. Or they'd just listen to music, Danny laughing at her while she sang along. She loved the intimacy of the otherwise mundane task. She loved the way he touched her each time he passed by, a tug on a curl, an errant swipe on her ass.

They were in the kitchen that night when the phone rang. Danny picked up the cordless and looked at the caller ID. "The Children's Heart," he said, and Katherine spun around to face him. He offered her the phone as it rang again.

"No, no, you answer it." She folded her hands together and pressed them in front of her mouth. Her heart was racing.

"You sure?" Katherine nodded and he pressed TALK on the receiver. "Hello?"

She watched him as he listened, recognizing the mask he put on to hide his emotions. In her mind, the only emotions worth hiding were negative. He finished the short conversation and thanked the person on the other end of the line. When he hung up he looked at Katherine and offered a small smile. "They picked another family, love."

She winced and blinked, willing her body to regain control. "Shit! I was so sure." She pressed the heel of each hand into each eye, trying to hold in the tears. "Shit!" Danny stepped towards her, running one hand from her shoulder to her elbow. At the elbow he gave a slight tug to pull her to him and wrapped her in his arms. He kissed the top of her head.

"Are you going to say 'I told you so'?" Her laugh was hollow. "Why do you always have to be right?"

Danny tightened his hold on her. "I was hoping that you would tell me that this time."

Katherine pushed herself back from Danny's chest. "It's okay!" she said, trying to convince herself as much as him. "This wasn't the right baby. We don't want to raise the wrong baby. We want to raise our baby, and this one obviously wasn't it." She forced a smile. "This baby was probably ugly."

Danny laughed and gave a caricatured wince. "You're right, of course. We wouldn't want to wait all this time for a baby and get an ugly one." Katherine's forced smile was small, but slowly it turned genuine.

❊❊❊

**Ella bounced off the** bus, revelling in the knowledge that Friday was over and the whole weekend was ahead. She felt like skipping but worried she was too heavy. The weather was warm for a change and the ground was wet from the melting winter. The closeness of spring was fragrant in the air.

Ben walked silently beside her. She pulled his ball cap from his head and held it out of his reach. "What are you, a child?" he grumbled and kept his hands in his pockets.

"Nope, just happy it's Friday," she said, putting his hat on her head. "What should we do that's fun this weekend? Something different."

Ben shrugged. "There's not much different around here, loser. Besides, I have a ton of homework, don't you?" He snatched his hat back and returned it to his head.

Ella grinned at him, refusing to allow him to drown her mood. "Sure, lots, but I'm not doing any of it tonight. Wanna watch a movie?"

"Not unless it has zombies and explosions."

Ella wrinkled her nose. "Those movies are stupid. Let's watch Sleepless in Seattle. That's a classic."

"Nope. Make your boyfriend watch it with you, that's what he's there for." They reached their front door and Ben pulled it open, holding it for Ella to walk in first. She stopped in the doorway and curtsied and laughed when he growled, "Go in, fool."

Ella saw the envelope laid on the counter as their mother came in from the other room. "You have mail!" said their mother to Ben, nodding in the direction of the letter.

Ella got to it first and snatched it off the counter. She eyed the return address. "Ooooh! It's from University of Chicago."

Ben reached for it. "Give it." Ella took a step back as he took another step towards her. She moved her hand just out of his reach when he made a grab for the envelope. "Ella! Seriously!" He made another lunge and she tripped. Backpedalling, she caught herself and laughed.

"Careful!" their mother said. "Ella, give it back. Ben, don't push your sister, she could fall!"

Ella rolled her eyes and held the letter out to Ben. "I'm not going to break, you know," she grumbled before she could stop herself. Her mother gave a warning look but said nothing. "Well, open it!" Ella directed the attention back to Ben and his mail.

Ben tore at the envelope and pulled out the letter. His eyes flitted over the text. A broad smile broke over his face. "I'm in!" he crowed before being encircled by his mother in a huge hug.

Ella watched their mother hug Ben and stand close to read the letter herself, wiping her cheeks as new tears spilled down them. Ella pulled a tissue from the box on the counter and handed it to her mother, who took it without looking up from the paper. He's so happy. Ben looked thrilled and Ella was happy for him. At least she thought she was. A small spot in the pit of her stomach started to pinch and she had to look away. "Gotta pee," she mumbled under her breath, escaping to the bathroom.

Ella locked the door and stared in the mirror. Her eyes were bright and wet with tears she refused to shed. Dammit. Ben had just been accepted into a competitive program at his first-choice university. And here she stood in the bathroom trying not to cry about it—not happy tears either, sad, angry, selfish tears. It's not fair. What hope do I have to go to university now? She narrowed her eyes and glared with hate at the bump pushing her sweater out.

"Fuck!" Her whispered scream wasn't as loud as the one in her head; she couldn't let them hear.

"Ella!" her mother called up the stairs. Ella pretended she didn't hear. She had two choices left: keep the baby or put it up for adoption. She had tried to imagine herself holding a newborn, loving and caring and feeding and diapering. She could do that. She had tried to imagine herself signing the papers, writing a letter goodbye and walking away. She didn't know if she could. But as much as she had thought of those actions, she hadn't considered much beyond walking away.

She could take care of a baby, but could she give up her dreams of university and basketball? Could she have both the baby and the dreams? Do I even want that?

She was startled by an exuberant bang on the door. "Hurry up! We're going to meet Dad for dinner," Ben called from the other side. With no chance of pretending she hadn't heard, she turned on the water to wash her face and hands.

Ella opened the door and met Ben coming out of his bedroom. "Hey, brother." She felt strangely shy when she hugged him. "Congratulations. You deserve it. I'm so happy for you!" She would force herself to believe it.

# APRIL

**Ella and Charlie sat** across from each other at his kitchen table, each with a tall glass of milk, sharing a plate of chocolate chip cookies. Scattered on the table between them were letters from four different universities. Charlie had shown each one to her in turn. One was a letter of rejection and the other three carried offers of acceptance. She had always known the boys would leave home before her, but now that knowledge was morphing into an inevitability that she wasn't ready for.

"So, which is it going to be today?" Ella asked Charlie. She knew he was having trouble deciding on a school. As hell-bent as Ben was on University of Chicago, Charlie was that undecided.

He shifted in his chair. "Ben wants me to go to Chicago with him."

Ella tried to keep her face neutral. "It's a good school. I know Ben's really excited about going there."

"Yeah, I mostly applied to shut him up. It all seemed so far away in October. Maybe I should stay closer, Boston U sounds good ... I dunno." He studied her for a moment and bit his lower lip. "What about you? Where do you want to go?"

She blinked and looked away. "No one's asked me that lately."

He reached across the table and held her hand. "I'm asking you now. What do you want?"

She shook her head. "I'm not even sure I'll be able to go." She sucked in some air and whispered, "I mean, depending on..." He squeezed her hand but she pulled it away. "I don't want to talk about it. Hand me another cookie."

Charlie passed her the plate. "Lass, you've got to decide soon. The longer it takes, the harder it'll be ... whatever you decide."

He's right, of course. Ella was already feeling the pressure of time passing and the looming decision terrified her. She shook her head. "I know, but not now, 'kay? Let's go upstairs and watch a movie or something." She stood to clear the dishes and headed towards the stairs. Charlie sighed and stepped in front of her, blocking her way. He looked sheepish so she laughed and asked, "What?"

"We can't."

"Can't what?" Ella frowned.

"Mom got on me the other day about you being in my room. You're 'a girl,' you know. Against house rules, sorry." He looked flushed. "And she's downstairs," he added in a whisper as if that fact sealed the deal.

"I've been in your room a thousand times! And I was a girl each and every one of those times." Ever since Ella had tagged along on Ben's play dates, the three of them had enjoyed free run of both homes, transcending the boundaries later placed on other friends.

"I guess now that you're my girlfriend the girl part is more important. Besides, it's not like you've invited me into your room lately." It was true. When he was over she had been careful to hang out in the family room or with Ben in his room, knowing her parents would be pissed to find her boyfriend in her bedroom—even if it was their beloved Charlie. Her cheeks burned for being caught in her own double standard.

"Anyway," he said, taking both of her hands in his, "I'd rather watch a movie with you as a girl in the living room, than as a friend in my room."

"How about Sleepless in Sea—"

He interrupted her with a kiss.

"Not a chance, Lassie." He laughed. "Zombies and explosions. If you want to watch those silly chick flicks get your brother to watch them with you." Ella rolled her eyes at the obvious conspiracy. They compromised on an old Adam Sandler comedy and she nestled on the couch under Charlie's arm.

The movie was funny, but Ella's attention fell to the thoughts churning in her mind. Charlie was right: she had to make a decision. Both choices required preparation and planning. If she kept the baby she would have to change her lifestyle. Her parents had assured her they would help. She could live at home until she was done high school and they would help with childcare costs while she was in class. Still, Ella knew she'd need to find a job of some kind to help to pay for some of the baby's needs. There wouldn't be time for anything but work and study and baby. And she should probably start working soon since she'd need clothes, diapers, toys right away. The list was overwhelming and she felt strangled by its length. I could do it, though. It would be a life completely different from what she had worked for—from what she had dreamed of—but she could do it.

The Other Choice: If Ella chose to place the baby for adoption, all she had to do was tell the people at The Children's Heart. There was some paperwork to do, and she could choose the adoptive family if she wanted. The baby was due in the summer, so she could start the school year on time. She'd have time to work on her game and be ready for the season—and for the scouts. Without a baby, she'd be free to apply to universities, maybe even get a scholarship if Coach was right. She could move forward and put this year behind her. Her thoughts started to spin into a dizzy swirl of excitement and new hope at the idea of resuming the life she had expected. Then, like a bucket of cold water, a wave of guilt washed her back to the moment. Could she hand over a baby that grew in her belly and walk back to her own life? What kind of person am I? Just thinking of the possibility made her feel selfish. It made her stomach lurch.

Charlie squeezed a hug. "You okay? Don't you like the movie?"

Ella nodded against his chest. "I'm good, just thinking."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Not yet. I'm still trying to straighten things out in my head."

He shifted so that he could hold her by the shoulders and look at her directly. "You know I'll listen, right? And Ben and Alex and your folks. You don't have to do this alone."

Ella's eyes misted at his serious tone. "I know, Charlie." Where does he fit in all of this? Suddenly she realized she wasn't just choosing between her old life and a new one; the choice might also be between Charlie and the baby. He shouldn't be held back by my mistake.

The next afternoon, Ella walked from Jessie's office to the waiting room at The Children's Heart, where her mother sat reading an old magazine. She smiled as Ella approached and stood to greet her. Outside, the sun was bright, disguising the cold air. Ella loved to see the snow-free ground. They were silent as they walked to the car, got in and pulled out of the parking lot. As they turned onto the busy road, her mother asked, "How did it go?"

Ella shrugged. Her appointments with Jessie were supposed to help her work through her options. It was helpful, but she often felt like she was moving in circles, dancing around the choices without getting any closer to a decision. Neither option worked for her, but they were all she had. Both options were impossible and yet she was only months away from choosing one.

"Momma, what if you don't like the choice I make?" Ella asked before she lost her nerve.

Her mother turned off the radio. "We'll stand by whatever you choose. We love you regardless of what happens." Ella knew that but sometimes it was hard to believe. It was good to hear it again. "What are you thinking?" her mother asked.

Ella felt her eyes well up; her voice was hoarse. "I want to play basketball, maybe get a scholarship if that's still possible." Her fisted hands pressed against her thighs. "I want to go to university. I want my life back." She forced herself to look at her mother, surprised to see tears falling on her mother's cheeks too. "Does that mean I'm a terrible person?" she whispered.

"No, honey. That means you're seventeen." Her mom wiped her own cheeks with the palm of her hand.

The words Ella wanted to say next caught in her throat. Even with her mother's assurance, she feared that speaking them aloud would show just how much of a monster she had become. A turning point of her life hung in her words. She swallowed the mass swelling in her throat, closed her eyes and whispered, "I think I want to give it up."

Her mother was silent for a moment. "Ella, I'm sorry, you spoke so low ... I want to make sure I heard you right."

Ella forced the thorny words out again. "I think I want to give it up." A sob followed the words and she folded over with her face in her hands. She felt the car sway to the side and come to a stop, then heard her mother's seat belt unbuckle. Warm arms wrapped around her. For several moments neither spoke.

When Ella moved to sit up, her mother let go. She smiled at Ella through her own tears.

"I'm sorry, Momma, I know I should keep it, I know I should want it, but..." Ella wiped her face with both hands. "What kind of person does that make me?"

"An honest one, and a realistic one. A brave one. Not a mother, but a wonderful girl." As she spoke, her mother fixed Ella's hair behind her shoulders.

"Will everyone hate me?" Her voice cracked and her eyes welled again.

"No one will hate you." She squeezed Ella's hand. "If you place this baby for adoption, we'll do whatever we can to help you through it." A moment passed in silence. "Look at me." Ella forced her eyes up. "You are not a horrible person. You made some poor choices that happened to have very serious consequences." Ella's tears started again with her mother's absolution. "Honey, you have to forgive yourself so you can move on."

Ella struggled to find her breath through her sobs. "I just feel like I'm letting everyone down. If I keep the baby, I have to give up everything else I wanted and let all of you down. If I give it up, I'm letting the baby down. There's no good way out of this."

"Of course there's no easy answer. But you're not letting anyone down. I'm so proud of how you've faced this already. If you feel adoption is the best choice for you, then that's what you need to do." She squeezed Ella's hand again. "You won't be letting the baby down, either. There are lots of families longing for a baby. You've already done so much to give this baby a good start."

"Momma, can I ask you another question?"

"Of course."

"Would you be sad if I don't keep the baby?"

She heard her mom sigh. "Honestly? Yes, I'd be sad." She reached over and squeezed Ella's hand. "But I'd also be very happy you would get back the opportunities you've worked so hard to earn."

"Jessie said that sometimes someone in the family will adopt the baby... Would you want to, I mean, would you rather—" Ella looked up to see her mother shake her head.

"Your father and I talked about that. We seriously considered it but decided it wouldn't be right. We're too old to start over. It wouldn't be fair to the baby." She squeezed Ella's hand again. "And it wouldn't be fair to you. If you want to move past this, that would be difficult to do if the baby was still in your everyday life."

Ella nodded and sucked in a breath, feeling a strange, painful prick of hope. "Jessie said that birth moms sometimes keep in contact with the family and get updates and pictures."

Her mother nodded. "So I've heard. It's not how it used to be. Do you think you would like that?"

"I dunno. I mean, it would be good to know how he's doing, but wouldn't it always hurt?"

Her mother sighed. "I think you should make one decision at a time, sweetheart."

"She also said sometimes the birth family can even meet with the family once in a while," Ella said. "If I got to see the baby, would you go with me?"

"I'd like that very much, Ella."

❊❊❊

**The alarm went off** and Katherine hit snooze for the fifth time. She felt miserable. Her head throbbed and her stomach hurt. Her sinuses were so thick she had to breathe through her mouth, leaving her throat dry and her lips cracked. She pushed herself up to sit on the side of the bed and held her head as it pounded in protest. She couldn't hold in the groan that escaped her lips and speared her head.

"Call in sick, Kat," Danny called from the bathroom. "Go back to sleep."

"I can't," she argued, but didn't get up. She had been trudging through the week trying to will herself better. It wasn't working.

Danny walked out of the bathroom, toothbrush in hand. "You're sick, admit it. Spend the day in bed and maybe you'll feel better tomorrow."

"I've got too much to do."

Danny brushed his teeth as he mumbled, "You really think you're going to get anything done feeling like that?" He turned and went back into the bathroom, coming out a moment drying his hands on his shorts. She hadn't moved. He sat down beside her, close enough that their upper arms brushed. His arm felt cool on her feverish skin. "Go back to bed," he whispered, smiling when she nodded.

She lay back down and curled up on her side. "My phone?"

Danny took her phone down from the tall bureau where it was charging and placed it in her outstretched hand. She dialled a number with her shaky finger and left a pathetic message. When she hung up, Danny returned it to the bureau. He leaned down and kissed her temple. "Good girl," he whispered. She fell asleep as he walked across the room.

Katherine woke to the phone ringing. She pushed _TALK_ and croaked, "Hello?"

"Katherine? This is Carole." Katherine was startled awake. "Did I wake you?"

"No," she lied. "I'm just ... reading." She shrugged at Cooper, who seemed to roll his eyes at her dishonesty.

"Well, I'm glad I caught you. I wanted to let you know that your profile will be given to a family later this week." Katherine's stomach churned. "Of course I'll be in touch as soon as I have any more information to share with you. Do you have any questions?"

She wondered how many other profiles were put forward but decided she didn't want to know. "No. We've been here before." She hoped it came across as light, not bitter.

"Yes, I know. I hope this time has a different outcome for you." Katherine couldn't help but wonder if Carole said that to all of the other people.

"Thank you for calling," Katherine remembered to say before hanging up.

She felt a tingle of nerves and excitement growing in her middle and tried to force it back down with deep breaths. She did not want to get caught up again. She had promised Danny to try to stay realistic about their chances and not "run away with optimistic intuition." His words, of course. She put down the phone and lay back, closed her eyes and tried to think of nothing. Behind her lids, lights flashed and words jumped: _Family. Chance. Child. Choice. Adopt._ Carole's words echoed, bouncing off the words and ricocheting around her mind. Another family; another baby; another chance. She reminded herself not to get excited, but a chance was a chance, and that was enough. She turned on the TV and her eyes watched mindlessly. Images flashed by without her attention. She caught disconnected words about fashion and of peace talks in the Middle East. Sometime during a cooking segment with an excitable chef, she fell into a fitful, feverish doze.

❊❊❊

**Ella sat in the** deep armchair, pulling her feet up underneath, careful not to spill her bowl of popcorn. Ben and Charlie sat on opposite ends of the couch and Alex was curled up in the other armchair, having been bribed into coming over to watch the ballgame with the promise of pizza.

"What inning is it?" Alex asked for the fourth time.

"Third," Ben and Charlie groaned in unison. Alex rolled her eyes and Ella laughed. She knew Alex hated baseball but she was glad she had come over anyway. It was the first game of the season between the Jays and the Red Sox. Charlie, Ben and Ella had watched the first matchup together for as long as she could remember. She was content to be hanging out in the living room with her friends but couldn't focus on the game.

After Ella had told her mother her decision, she had helped Ella tell her father and Ben. Ben had been silent, but her father had asked, "Are you sure?" She was surprised that her parents seemed a little bit sad. Do I have the right to give their grandchild away? She knew they were happy that she planned to return to school in the fall and wanted to go to university next year. She wondered which they felt more: sad or encouraged, disappointed or hopeful.

Ella needed to move, so she stood up and asked, "Anyone want a drink?" but didn't bother to wait for a response.

A moment later, Alex followed her in. "Came to help. Geez, that game is boring."

Ella smiled. "Hush. You mustn't speak that way in this house!"

Alex took a chip from the bowl Ella had filled and leaned against the counter. "The guys are so into it, I don't think they noticed us leave."

"Probably not."

"Ells, you okay? You seem a million miles away tonight." Ella could feel her friend's gaze on her back as she poured pop into plastic cups.

When she was done, Ella turned around to face Alex. "Yeah, just thinking." Ella smiled but it felt more like a wince. "I told my parents that I think I want to give the baby up." She closed her eyes; the repercussion of the statement still felt unpredictable. When she didn't hear anything, Ella opened her eyes slowly and peeked at Alex.

Alex's eyes shone. "What did they say?" she asked, her voice cracking.

"They haven't said much. I think they're being careful not to sway me one way or another. They said I might resent them later if I think they pushed me into a choice."

"Makes sense. So do you think you'll do that, then?"

Ella bit her lip and nodded. "Usually."

Alex smiled. "I think it's a good idea, Ells. You get your life back and somebody gets the baby they want."

Ella's laugh was bitter. "You're the first person to actually give me an opinion."

"Really? What about Ben?"

Ella shook her head. "Nope, nothing. Makes me think that Mom and Dad got to him first."

"Men!"

"You called?" Charlie said as he and Ben entered the kitchen. "What happened to you damsels? We came to rescue you." He dropped a kiss on the top of Ella's head as he walked by.

"Bullshit!" Alex challenged. "You didn't even notice we left. You're in here to find more food, not us."

"That too." Ben laughed. "You coming back? Game's tied." He picked up two of the drinks Ella had poured and followed Charlie to the hall.

Alex grinned at Ella. "Yup, we're coming. I can't stand to miss a moment more."

After the game Charlie drove Alex home and Ella escaped to bed. Alone in the dark, she let her mind wander through the thoughts she had shoved aside earlier. She imagined herself handing over a bundle to a smiling, giddy woman, leaving the hospital with an empty belly and empty arms, but then back on the court in front of the school crowd and university scouts. Her eyes filled and her heart ached as she realized her mind was finalizing that horrible decision. It wasn't what she wanted by a long shot, but she knew it was what she needed.

Ella cried. A wave of relief washed over her. She placed her hand on her belly in silent apology. In that moment of contradictive confusion and clarity she felt it for the first time. A tiny nudge from deep within. A bubble-bursting poke that Ella recognized with awe. She felt it and she knew.

Ella told Charlie at school the next day. Her voice was still shaky but grew stronger the more she verbalized her choice. When she finished and Charlie didn't say anything, she chanced a look at him. Their eyes met. His were soft and searching. He didn't speak but wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him. He asked, "Are you sure?" but only once. When she nodded against his chest he said, "I'm glad."

For the first time Ella could envision a solution, even if it physically hurt her to do so.

#  MAY

**Katherine and Danny left** the movie in the comfort enjoyed by people who communicate without words. Katherine turned the country station up to sing along. She loved that he tolerated her off-key warbling, though he always made a production of rolling his eyes when she looked his way. He pulled into their driveway and parked the car but waited until the song was over to cut the engine. He pulled fondly at a ringlet that had fallen over her shoulder. "You're a nut, you know that?"

"It's a good song!"

They stepped into the cool evening air. Katherine swung her purse over her shoulder and headed towards the steps where Danny stood waiting for her. She stopped in front of him and looked up, grinning. "What?" he asked.

"You haven't kissed me here before," she suggested, playing one of her favourite games.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I have." He laughed but bent down to oblige her. "C'mon, Nashville Girl."

In the house, Katherine puttered about tidying the kitchen, giving Cooper water, putting away some laundry before getting ready for bed. She was standing at the bathroom sink washing her face when Danny came in and slipped his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder. Their eyes met in the mirror and his looked sad. "What's wrong?" she asked.

He held her gaze in the reflection and tightened his hug. "They matched the baby to another family," he said.

She winced and a whispered "Oh" escaped her lips before she pressed them shut in a pursed frown. She pulled her eyes away from his, trying to keep her composure. He kissed her shoulder.

"Sorry, Kat," he whispered but didn't let go. She folded the facecloth scrubbed at her face until her cheeks were red and the threat of tears had passed, until she was able to meet his look again.

"Hey, Kat? I don't think I can do this," Danny whispered. She startled, not sure what he meant by "this"—give up? His eyes in the mirror were wet with unshed tears. It was a sight she saw so infrequently, it always surprised her. He blinked and his jaw worked, his mouth clamped tightly shut.

"What do you mean?" she whispered, terrified of his answer.

"Let's tell them not to tell us. We do pretty well when we don't know what's going on, so why put ourselves through that? We'll know when someone picks us. We don't need to know every time they pick someone else." She nodded, relieved. "Great. I'll call them in the morning." He squeezed her once more, kissed her neck and left the bathroom. She studied her eyes in the mirror. She didn't like the idea of not knowing, but it couldn't be harder than the roller coaster they had been riding.

❊❊❊

**Being alone in the** cafeteria made Ella feel nervous and vulnerable, but she sat defiantly in her regular place and watched the students outside in the courtyard. The morning had been rainy but the sun was struggling to poke through the clouds. Spring was such an improvement. Ella loved the sun, the warm cars, the longer days—even the rain, because it wasn't snow.

She was almost finished her lunch when Charlie's voice rose above the rumble of the caf and she turned to see him walking with Ben, recounting some story that made them laugh by the time they reached her. Charlie grinned down at her then smirked at Ben, raising his left shoulder in appeal. Ben rolled his eyes and looked away. "Quickly. Go," he directed, waving his hand as if to say "Hurry up."

Charlie turned back to Ella and raised his eyebrows suggestively.

Ella looked around her. "Charlie, what will everyone—"

"Who cares?" he said, and bent to give her a kiss that was inappropriate for the school cafeteria. "Happy birthday!" he whispered close to her ear. Ella smiled and took Charlie's hand as he sat beside her.

"Done?" Ben groaned and sat across from them. She laughed and considered kissing Charlie again just to goad her brother. "Where's Alex?"

"She had to meet someone about a science project."

Ben took a bite out of his sandwich before garbling, "Where are we going for dinner, Ells?" Family birthdays were always celebrated with dinner out.

"I hadn't thought of it." She turned to Charlie. "Will you come?"

Charlie looked from Ella to Ben and back again. "Ah, I guess. If it's okay with your folks."

"Why wouldn't it be?" she challenged.

"Well, it's usually just family, isn't it?"

Ella looked at Ben. "They won't care, right?" Ben shrugged in response. She didn't know if her parents would care or not, she wanted Charlie there regardless. She just felt better when he was nearby. Charlie looked uncomfortable so she decided. "I'll talk to them. I'm sure you can come." She piled the garbage from her lunch on her tray. "I have to go back to my locker before class. Wanna come?"

"Yup. See ya, loser," Charlie said to Ben, who was unwrapping his sandwich.

"Yeah, thanks buddy," Ben grumbled. Charlie took Ella's hand and together they headed out.

In the hall Ella noticed a senior watching her. When their eyes met, Ella tried to smile away the awkwardness, but the girl's sneer didn't change. As she passed them the girl said, "Happy birthday, Ella," in a tone that was anything but well wishing. Weird. Then Ella realized that most of the students in the hall were eyeing her as she passed. Nearing her locker, she started to feel crowded. Students hovered and whispered, watching her. Charlie's hand squeezed tighter on hers. I'm not imagining it then.

They rounded the corner and Ella saw why: her locker. Alex had decorated it for her birthday, but the streamers were now torn and strewn along the floor. The paper signs that still covered the locker were ripped, and someone had used a heavy black marker to draw a stick figure with a grotesquely round belly over Alex's colourful "Happy Birthday!" The signs were covered with messy block letters:

Bitch

SLUT

Whore

Ella heard stifled snickers and whispers all around. Her stomach rose and her lunch swelled into her throat. She swallowed hard, determined not to add to her disgrace by vomiting. Charlie let go of her hand and reached the locker in three strides. He grabbed the papers and ripped them all down in two fluid swipes, crumpling them as he went. The black ink had leaked through the paper, leaving a ghostly incomplete image of the rounded belly and hateful words against the worn yellow paint of the door. She felt her head spin. The sounds around her closed in; the stares became barbed, piercing her. She saw Karen and for a moment she was relieved, but Karen was laughing too, and then Ella heard her say, "You had it coming!" above the rest.

Charlie touched Ella's shoulder but his fingers seared, burning through her shirt, melting her frozen trance. She could hear him say her name, but it was muffled and distorted, as if echoing from a long tunnel. She pushed past the laughing faces to the nearest bathroom and threw up.

The bathroom was empty and silent. Safe? Well, at least safer. Ella rinsed her mouth in the sink and splashed water on her face. Studying her eyes in the mirror, she cursed the red rimming against the shining whites. She felt trapped in the bathroom, the jeers and taunts waiting in the hall. I should have just left. There was no way she could go back to class today, no way she could maneuver the halls and face her classmates. She sat on the floor against the wall and rested her head on her knees. I'll leave after class starts... She mentally plotted a path to the closest exit. As her breathing slowed, the bathroom door inched open. She looked up, ready to play defence, but relaxed when Charlie stepped in. He held her jacket in one hand and her backpack in the other.

"You can't come in here," she said, trying to smile.

Charlie looked at the door behind him. "Already did." He stepped around her, slid down the wall and sat beside her. Her bag landed with a heavy thump. "I didn't know what books you needed, so I brought them all."

For a long time neither of them said anything, so Ella was startled when he did speak. "You know they're all assholes, right?" She nodded without looking at him. Certainly not who I thought they were. They fell into a safe silence. It was in such contrast to the muffled hush in the hall she could hear her heart slow. The images of her ruined locker mingled with Karen's voice and the laughing voices in the hall, whispering the black words over and over. Slut. Bitch. Whore. She thought she had loved Sam, that he had loved her. What she a slut because she slept with him—a bitch because she wouldn't do it again?

"Whatcha thinking?" Charlie finally asked.

Ella was scared to tell him. Unable to come up with a cover, she shrugged. "Nothing."

"Lass, tell me."

She sighed. "Maybe they're right."

"They're not." Charlie's voice was low and even, angry. "Let's get out of here. We can wait for the bus outside." Ella let him pull her up and lead her out of the bathroom, holding her hand. She hesitated at the door but the hall was empty. They walked quickly through to the courtyard door, out into the sun and away from the school, to a bench out of sight. She relished in how close he sat. Still holding her hand, Charlie pulled her arm close. He played with her fingers woven in his.

"Thanks," Ella finally said.

"Yeah, whatever." His exaggerated nonchalance made her laugh.

She looked at her feet, scuffing her toe on the ground. "Is it worth it?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Dealing with all that crap, and this crap." She waved her hand at her belly. "Being with me, is it worth it?"

She felt Charlie sigh, as if collecting his thoughts. He let go of her hand and straddled the bench to face her. He reached and tugged on the lock that had fallen loose from the pony at the nape of her neck.

Charlie leaned in and kissed her softly, then rested his forehead on hers. "Ells, I know we've only been together, well like this, for a few weeks, but I've known you my whole life. I know us. This is real. Of course it's worth it. You're worth it."

Ella leaned back to smile at him. "Promise?"

"Pinky swear," Charlie laughed, holding up a crooked baby finger. She had to laugh too, hooking her finger on his and pledging with her eyes.

❊❊❊

**Katherine never felt fully** awake until she was in the shower. After hitting _snooze_ several times she would drag herself to the bathroom and stumble through her morning routine. She would huddle under the liquid heat as it pricked her shoulders and traced down her back, until the fogginess was washed away.

That morning, as usual, her mind grew conscious under the steam of water. She started to roll through her day, her to-do list. As the haze of sleep melted, her dream slipped back to memory.

In a small, formal room Katherine visited a little girl with straight black hair. The girl was hers. She called her Anna. Katherine held out her hand showing several candies, trying to entice the toddler to come close enough to share. While the adults talked, the little girl explored the room. Katherine watched her every move, memorized her gestures and gait. When the child grew bolder, she clambered into Katherine's lap and rested back against her, her head lying heavy and warm on Katherine's chest so that Katherine could tuck her chin and kiss the top of Anna's silky head. She breathed in her baby scent and felt the weight of her body blanketing her. Katherine knew the girl was theirs. She understood they were visiting as part of their adoption process and that the visit was short; that time was ticking away too quickly. As her body started to wake, the visit was ending. Too soon she had to leave the room and her daughter behind.

In the shower Katherine felt her stomach tighten and tears fill her eyes. She could still hear the child's voice, feel her touch and smell her sweet fragrance. She remembered. She closed her eyes and could see Anna. She could smell and feel her. Katherine tried to will herself back into the memory, to will the phantoms to become real. But only the pain was real, as if she really had walked out of that room leaving her daughter behind. As if somewhere that little girl waited for Katherine to find her and take her home.

Katherine turned her face into the falling water. She washed her hair and turned the heat up until it bordered on scalding. She scrubbed her body mercilessly, trying to reteach her mind the boundaries between real and imagined.

As that day folded into the next, Katherine felt a shift in her thoughts. The dream settled in her mind, it was more real and detailed than any other dream; it was tangible, like a memory. When she thought about their adoption, she no longer imagined an abstract concept of 'the baby'—she saw Anna. Katherine could picture her face and her eyes as if she had a photo stashed in her purse or stuck to the fridge. She recognized Anna's expressions, the way she posed. Katherine was no longer trying to adopt a baby; she was looking for her baby. For the first time, she was sure Anna was out there. Her new perspective heightened emotions. It hurt to think so specifically, and yet she exalted at her new conviction. She could not segregate the pain of separation from the baby she now expected and the joy of anticipation, knowing that baby was real.

She didn't tell Danny. At first she was self-conscious. She had no idea how to explain her feelings about the memory-dream in a way that would make them understandable instead of foolish. Failing to explain it would belittle it, reduce it to nothing more than a strange trick of the mind. Then she started to cherish it as a secret, a private, intimate moment between her and the child she somehow knew. She felt guilty for not wanting to share, especially with Danny, but not enough to change her mind.

❊❊❊

**Ella changed her jeans** to sweats as soon as she got home from Saturday morning grocery shopping with her mom. She glanced at the yellow folder on her desk but picked up her magazine instead and lay back on her pillow. Her eyes scanned the pictures as she flipped through the pages, but after a few minutes she looked back to the folder on her desk and sighed.

Her mother had picked up the folder from The Children's Heart on her way home from work the night before. It contained information on four families. Ella had looked forward to reading the profiles until she actually saw them. Once she flipped through the papers, she realized they were real people—real families—who desperately wanted a baby. She was overwhelmed: how could she choose one and deny the others?

Ella pulled the folder onto her lap. With a deep breath, she opened it and separated the four piles on the bed in front of her. At first glance, they were identical. The top page was a typed form that provided the same basic information on each family: one single woman, two typical couples and a pair of married men. Three were from the city, one from a rural community. The professions included a teacher, a doctor, a psychologist, an office worker, a researcher and a contractor. One family already had children. Two families were listed as Christian, one as Jewish and one claimed no religion. Each page listed activities the families enjoyed: hiking, camping, reading, traveling, sports, photography, dance... On the first page, the families looked different, but entirely equal.

"Whatcha doin'?" Ben said as he came through her open door. He slouched in Ella's desk chair and fiddled with a hair elastic.

"Profiles." Ella moved to restack the piles and put them back in the folder.

"Ah. What are you looking for?"

"I dunno, really. I don't know how to decide."

"You'll know when you see it." Ella appreciated his confidence in her but wasn't ready to believe him yet. Ben sat studying the elastic in his hand until he said, "I think what you're doing is really great."

"Not really. I just want my life back."

"Sure, but, you're giving someone a family! How awesome is that?"

Ella glanced at him before looking back to the papers. After a moment she said softly, "I just hope the baby sees it that way." She looked up at Ben. "What if he hates me?"

"He won't, at least not when it matters. Someday he'll get it." She wanted to believe him. The screen door banged shut, interrupting their peace. Ben stood, "That's Charlie."

"Charlie?" She jumped off the bed and pushed past him. "I didn't know he was coming over!" She ignored her mother's shout to be careful on the stairs and raced down, leaning forward with two hands on the railings. She pulled up short just in front of Charlie, out of breath, her hair falling wildly out of the ponytail. "Hi!" she breathed.

"Hi yourself," he said, giving her a peck on the cheek. Made aware of her mother and brother by his chaste greeting, Ella turned to glance back at her family and laughed.

"I didn't know you were coming! What are we going to do?" But he was looking over her shoulder at Ben. "What?" she asked her brother with a frown, then turned back to Charlie. "What?"

Charlie winced. "Um, I'm here to, ah..." He looked at Ben with an expression Ella knew was asking for help.

"Here to pick me up. You know, guy time, so get lost, girlie!" Ben said in his best macho voice.

Ella's jaw fell open as she looked from one to the other. "You never needed 'guy time' before." She pouted and crossed her arms, restraining herself from stomping her foot.

"You never hogged him so much before," her brother said with a shrug. Both looked at Charlie.

"True story," Charlie said. He took her hand and squeezed it. "I'll bring you some ice cream when we come home from the gym."

Ella's eyes widened. "You're going to play ball?" The boys were grinning, having fun with her reaction. She knew she was being ridiculous. She should laugh it off and play along, but she realized too late that she was terribly jealous and pissed off that they planned to go without her. She knew she was being unfair and oversensitive. She also knew she had lost control. Her eyes welled as she snarled, "Whatever!" storming out of the room. She regretted her behaviour as soon as she slammed her bedroom door.

Muffled discussion came from the kitchen, her mother's voice mingled with Ben's and Charlie's. After a few moments, the front door opened and closed, then a car backed out of the driveway. Ella cursed out loud and threw her pillow across the room. She swiped at the tears her on her cheeks and flopped back on the bed.

When her mother knocked on the door, Ella really wanted to tell her to go away, but even in her frustration she couldn't bring herself to be that rude. But she couldn't bring herself to be polite either, so she said nothing. Her mother opened the door slowly, glanced at Ella and perched on the edge of her bed. She reached over and patted Ella's shin.

"I'm being stupid aren't I?" Ella said from underneath her hands.

"A little bit. But I think I understand why you're upset."

"Do they hate me?"

"Probably," her mother laughed. "They weren't going to go when they realized you were actually upset. I told them to, though." Ella nodded, not trusting her voice. "C'mon, honey, let's go find something to do." Ella took a deep breath and followed her mother out of her room and down the stairs.

Sunday afternoon, Ella sat on the floor and Ben sat at his desk, while Charlie lounged on the bed behind her. They were supposed to be doing homework but Ella was studying the profiles instead. She had lost count of how many times she had read them. She dismissed one on the fourth read but kept the other three on top of her desk, pulling them out to read often. She was hoping to be hit with a burst of inspiration that would direct her decision.

"Benny, did you get number four?" Charlie asked, looking up from his notebook.

"Yeah." Ben shuffled through the papers spread on his desk until he found a sheet and set it flying towards the bed. "Here."

Charlie snatched the paper before it floated off the bed. He bopped Ella on the head and chided, "Lassie, you're going to wear those out." Ella shook his hand off her head but otherwise ignored him. Charlie studied Ben's paper then slapped it down. "Dammit, Ben, I still don't get it!" He slid off the bed and plunked down on the floor beside Ella.

"ADD much?" Ella said without looking up from a profile. He snatched the papers out of her hand. "Hey! Give it back!" She reached for the papers but Charlie's arm was longer. He held her back with his right arm and held the papers away from her in his left. She stopped struggling and glared at Ben, who was grinning over his own work.

Charlie handed the papers back to her and she put them in the tattered folder with the other two piles. "What are you looking for, Ells?"

"That's the problem. I don't know what to look for. They're so different but they all sound good. I don't know how to choose one over the others."

"You've read them a thousand times. Which one feels right?" Charlie held his hand out in request and Ella passed him the folder. He separated the three profiles, laying them in front of her. He pointed to the one on the far left and said, "Tell me about this one."

It only took a glance to know the family. "They live in the city and they have really good jobs, I think. They have a little girl."

Charlie shifted his finger to the middle pile. "And this one?"

"Um, one works but the other wants to stay home. They have a small house but lots of land." When she stopped talking, Charlie's finger shifted to touch the last pile. "They like sports, he played basketball in university. They have a dog." She felt her voice soften as she spoke. Just above a whisper she added, "I always wanted a dog." Her eyes met Charlie's and he smiled, raising his eyebrows. She glanced back at the profile as Charlie shifted to kiss her where her neck met her shoulder. He put his lips near her ear and whispered, "Boston University," then moved back up on the bed. Ella grinned, feeling her world had suddenly settled just a bit.

#  JUNE

" **What if he won't?"** Ella felt like throwing up.

Jessie's smile was kind but her voice was firm. "The father needs to relinquish his rights before an adoption plan can be executed. He has the right to keep the baby too."

"But he wanted me to have an abortion!"

"Then he shouldn't have any problem with signing the papers, right?" She doesn't get it. "Ella, is there something more you're not telling me? I can't help you if I don't know what you're struggling with."

She had left it behind her, trying to ignore the rumours that rumbled through the school. Denying it didn't work, especially now that everyone knew she was with Charlie after all. In fact, rebuffing the claim that the baby was Charlie's seemed to feed the fire.

"He says he's not the father."

"I'm sorry, I have to ask. Is there a chance that he's not?"

"No!" Ella snarled then tried to lower her voice. "He's definitely it."

Jessie nodded and waited and the room filled with stuffy silence. "Well, if he won't accept responsibility, we can request a paternity test. That's quite a process, though. It would be better if he'd agree on his own. Do you want me to talk to him?"

A plan hatched in Ella's mind. If she could work out some details, she might have the advantage for once. "No, let me talk to him once more. I might be able to convince him."

Ella dialled Sam's number from the public phone in Starbucks so he wouldn't screen her call. He answered on the third ring.

"Sam, it's Ella. I need to talk to you."

In the hesitation before he responded she heard the muffled background grow quiet. "What is it?"

"I'm placing the baby for adoption."

A beat. "So?"

"So you need to sign some papers to give up your rights as the father."

"Ella, I can't. I told you, my family can't find out." His voice was whispered and strained.

Ella kept her voice even, not giving into her rising frustration. "They don't have to, you can sign without them knowing."

"They'd find out."

She tried not to revel in the feeling that she finally had him pegged. "Well, they'll definitely find out if you don't sign. If you keep denying it, you'll have to take a paternity test. Everyone will know."

Silence.

If his stupid phone dropped the call now... "Are you there?"

"You wouldn't do that," he hissed low and angry, like something cornered.

"I don't have a choice, Sam. Remember?" He was quiet, but she knew he was still there because she could hear his breathing.

"Fine. What do I need to do?" There it was. She recited the number Jessie had given her and told him to call right away. Jessie said she'd have the papers ready to meet with him. He hung up without saying goodbye. Ella decided she deserved a celebratory latte.

❊❊❊

**Katherine had finally been** able to close her office door and focus on a report for ten minutes when her cell bounced on the desk. She groaned and checked the picture lit up on the screen: Danny. He always called her too often when he had a day off. Her sigh fell between happy and frustrated as she picked up the phone. "I'm working."

"Hey. Can you come home?"

Katherine groaned in frustration. "I'm working, Danny."

"Come home. It's important."

His even voice and firm insistence hit her and her stomach tightened. In a breath, she thought of their parents and her mind started listing possible reasons for an insistent call. She felt sick. "What's happened? Is everyone okay?"

"No, no nothing like that. Everyone's fine. I need you to come home, though. Can you now? If not I guess I could come there." She wondered if he was being truthful. He wouldn't tell her bad news over the phone. But he didn't sound upset, just urgent.

Her day of paperwork slipped away. "No, stay there. I'll be home as soon as I can."

"Great. See you soon."

Katherine sent a quick email claiming a sudden bad headache and collected her laptop. As she packed up she tried to guess the reason for Danny's call. Uncertainty sat heavily in her stomach.

Driving home, Katherine struggled to keep her speed in check. Her worry argued with reason, between He said everything was fine and He wouldn't have told you otherwise on the phone. By the time she pulled into their driveway, her headache was real.

Cooper met her at the door, wagging happily. She touched his head, relieved he was okay. "Danny?" She could hear his voice reply from upstairs. She climbed the stairs two at a time and called again from the top. "Danny?"

"In here." He was in the nursery. She couldn't move. After a moment, his head appeared in the doorway, frowning at her. "Kat? C'mon, I have something for you!"

She forced herself forward, left foot over right, to the doorway. He stood in the middle of the room, grinning widely. He held flowers in one hand and a folded piece of paper in the other.

"What?" Katherine's voice came out rough and hoarse.

He stepped forward and hugged her. Hard. "They picked us, Katherine."

She pushed back to look at his face. "What?"

He laughed and handed her the paper. "Their baby is due in July and they picked us."

"What?"

He took the paper back from her and held it in front of her face. "Look, it says 'Happy Mother's Day'. All the Mother's Day cards were gone, so I had to make one. Kat, you're going to be a mom!"

Katherine pulled her gaze away from Danny's face to the handmade card he held in his hand. It was ugly, with his messy lettering and childish flowers. Slowly she caught up to Danny's hurried words and understood what he was trying to tell her. "What?" she whispered again, her voice cracked. He nodded and she started to cry.

Danny put his arms back around her. She held tight. "They picked us?" She felt his nod.

"Don't sound so shocked. We are awesome, you know."

❊❊❊

**The cafeteria buzzed with** barely contained excitement. Students were skipping classes in the wide room, sitting in the warmth of the sun that came through the wall of windows. Tired with the long school year, everyone was chomping at the bit to start summer. Ella and Alex huddled in a corner, deciding their time was better spent studying than watching the substitute try to maintain decorum in their biology class. Ella felt guilty, knowing her parents wouldn't approve, but on the spectrum of wrongs she had committed that year, a skipped class could be considered pretty mild. Their books were spread out on the table in front of them in an honest attempt, but neither girl could focus on them. "Have you gone shopping for your dress yet?" asked Alex.

"Huh?" Ella looked up from the page she had read four times.

Alex nodded in the direction of a poster. "Your dress for the prom. Have you looked for it yet?"

"I'm not going?" she said, questioning why Alex would think otherwise.

"Not going? Why not? Isn't Charlie going?"

Ella shrugged and looked back at her book, refusing to acknowledge the bulge under her shirt. "Dunno, he hasn't said anything." She hoped Alex bought her nonchalance. In truth, Ella had thought about the prom a lot. She knew she would suck as a prom date in her current condition, even if she found a dress to fit her. She didn't blame Charlie for being too embarrassed to take her and hoped she'd be mature enough not to pout if he wanted to take a friend in her place. If she were being honest, she'd admit to hoping Charlie would just skip it altogether, but that thought only made her feel worse. It wasn't his fault she'd made a mess of things. He shouldn't have to miss his prom for me.

"You should ask him," Alex said.

"Ask him what?"

"Ask him if he's going! Geez!"

Ella looked up from her book to meet Alex's eyes and concentrated on keeping her voice rational. "I'm sure he's going."

"Then we should go shopping this weekend," Alex said as if the matter was settled.

Ella didn't want to bicker with Alex over something she couldn't explain. Of course she would say Ella should go. "You're going shopping this weekend?" When Alex nodded and smiled but didn't offer any more information Ella asked, "Are you going to prom?"

"Tyler Young asked me to go with him!" she hissed in a loud whisper. "I need you to come shopping with me this weekend. For our prom dresses!"

Tyler was a quiet kid who mostly kept to himself but had always seemed nice. Ella knew he and Alex were in a class together, since Alex was a year ahead in Spanish, and she had seen them chatting in the hall. He seemed like a nice guy, though Ella was ashamed to realize she felt like their tight foursome was threatened by an outsider.

She pushed her childish thought aside and grinned at her friend. "You'll have an awesome time, I'm sure. And of course I'll go shopping with you to find your dress, silly. That's the best part!"

"Thanks, Ells."

Ella became aware of a shift in their surroundings just before the bell rang. She closed her binder and piled her books, trying to prop them on her hip, but knocked them with her belly and had to scramble to catch them as the pile went askew. She sighed and noticed Alex trying to hide a grin. Ella smiled in spite of herself and recited her current mantra. "Two more months."

Later that day, when Ella climbed the bus, Ben and Charlie were already on sitting one in front of the other. She made her way down the narrow aisle, careful to keep her belly straight to avoid bumping the bench backs, and keep her eyes straight to avoid the students' looks. She slid awkwardly into the seat beside Charlie and groaned.

"What's up, Lassie?" he asked, spinning her ponytail around his fingers.

Ella frowned at him. "Tired." He grinned at her until she couldn't resist and smiled back.

"At least it's Friday," Ben said. She nodded and laid her head back against the back of the seat. Since she had been tall enough, Ella had slouched in the seat and curled her legs up propping her knees on the seat back in front of her. Her belly made that impossible now; the only seating position was straight in her chair, feet flat on the floor. Uncomfortable. She squeezed Charlie's hand. "Are you getting off at our place?"

"Sure, if you can drive me home."

The bus shuddered to a stop at the end of Ella and Ben's driveway and the three of them filed off. Ella walked hand-in-hand up the drive with Charlie. Ben walked beside them in amicable silence. When Ben left them in the kitchen, Ella asked Charlie, "Wanna snack?" He nodded and watched her dig out a block of cheese and some Goldfish crackers.

"Are you going to the prom?" Ella forced herself to ask before she lost her nerve. Her abrupt words hung between them.

He frowned at her. "Um, yeah, I'd planned on it."

She felt the next whisper slip out before she could stop it. "With who?" She didn't like that she sounded angry and hurt.

"Ah, with you." Charlie stared at her. His face shifted from confused to surprised.

"I—I didn't..." she stuttered.

Charlie narrowed his eyes. "What did you think I was doing?"

Ella focused on cutting the block of cheese into precise slices. "I guess I thought if you were going you'd ... take a friend."

"Why would you think that?" She couldn't look at him.

"Charlie, I'm not exactly prom-date material. How many girls do you know who wear a maternity dress to the prom?" Her tone was biting and she forced back tears.

"Ells, I don't care about that!"

"Well, I do." Her voice was so low she wasn't sure he heard her until he reached across the table and took her hand.

"Ella. I want you with me."

"Even at your prom?"

"Especially at my prom."

Ella sat still, unable to respond.

"I'm sorry, I should have asked you, I just never—" Charlie took her hand in both of his. "Will you go to prom with me?" She didn't know what to say.

"Ells?" Charlie whispered, squeezing her hand.

"Charlie..."

"I'm not going without you." He sat back and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "I wanna go ... but I'm not going without you. If you'd rather, we'll find something else to do." Ella felt a stir in her stomach, a pit of guilt at wanting exactly that instead of finding a dress to encompass her bulging middle and attending a party with hateful peers. She felt his eyes on her and looked up. He cocked an eyebrow, challenging her with his eyes.

"All of those stupid people will be there."

He shrugged. "So? There're assholes everywhere. You'll miss out on too much if you hide from them." When she still said nothing, he asked, "Well?"

Ella found she couldn't look away. "It's not that I don't want to go with you," she started, unsure of where she was headed. "I just don't want to be that girl."

"Which girl is that?"

He knew, and she glared at him for making her say it out loud. "You know what I mean. That girl. The girl who gets knocked up in high school. The girl who threw her life away. The disappointment. The embarrassment..." Her voice trailed off to barely a whisper when she added, "That girl. Me."

Ella was locked in Charlie's gaze and she saw his eyes soften. He took his hands from his chest and put them on hers on the table. "Ells, shit happens. Bad choices and bad luck, and now you're paying for it. You can't undo the past—you know that. And you're doing everything you can to make things right."

Ella winced. "I'm trying."

He nodded. "You don't want to go. I get it now, I understand. We'll find something more fun to do, just us."

She shook her head, determined. "No, it's your prom, you should go." She hesitated and took a deep breath. "I'll go too ... but you can't blame me if I look like a whale in a formal gown."

Charlie grinned and his eyes sparked. "Whales are such wonderful, gentle creatures." He laughed and put a handful of the forgotten Goldfish in his mouth. "It'll rock, I promise."

The next morning, Ella was in the kitchen making toast when Alex came through the front door. Her resolution after talking to Charlie had dissolved overnight, leaving her wary about the promise she'd made.

But Alex was excited. "G'morning, girl!" she said as she helped herself to a piece of bread, adding it to the already-set toaster. Ella grumbled an unintelligible response, and Alex continued. "C'mon, Ells, we'll have fun and we'll find the perfect dresses!"

Ella shrugged, unconvinced. "We'll see." She caught the toast as it popped up and dressed it with peanut butter and jam. Regardless, or perhaps because of her insecurity about the day ahead, Ella revelled in Alex's support.

Ben stumbled into the kitchen in his pyjama pants. "G'morning girls," he growled in a husky morning voice as he opened the fridge. Ella noticed her friend's face redden. He took out the milk and opened it, drinking straight from the jug.

"Gross, Ben," Ella complained.

Ben shook the nearly empty jug at her in explanation, took another long swig and swallowed. "Shopping today?"

"Yeah," responded Ella, wishing Alex's excitement would rub off on her.

"Where?"

Ella shifted her bite of toast to her cheek to talk. "The mall, I guess."

Ben drained the last of the milk. "Well, good luck. I'm going back to bed." He tugged Ella's ponytail as he passed behind her on his way out of the kitchen.

Ella caught Alex watching his retreating form. She pushed her shoulder. "What?" Alex laughed. "I'm still allowed to look."

"Gross," Ella complained, putting her dishes in the dishwasher. "C'mon, let's get this over with."

The mall was quiet. Ella and Alex walked around once, scoping out the stores. When they walked past the maternity store, Ella thought, Only as a last resort. With a list of stores compiled, they stopped in the first one. The styles were glitzy and sparkling, with tight bodices and flowing skirts. Ella found several that would suit Alex perfectly and pointed out the ridiculous ones too. In spite of herself, Ella was having fun. In the third store, Alex tried on a simple black dress. The spaghetti straps lay delicately on her toned shoulders, the top fit her well and the full skirt fell to a classy length by her feet. Ella nodded in approval. "I like it!"

Alex smiled and looked critically in the mirror. "Yeah. And I could wear it again."

"It's not supposed to be practical."

"Alright, I'm going to ask them to hold it and keep looking, but this is a definite maybe," Alex said as she smoothed nonexistent wrinkles out of the front of her dress. "Did you see anything?"

Ella shook her head. "Nope. Maybe at the next place." While Alex got dressed, Ella perused the racks, trying not to feel cheated. The elaborate dresses were just larger versions of the make-believe costumes worn by four-year-olds pretending to be princesses. While she had always been more interested in monster trucks and trees, it would be nice to be a princess for a night. But Disney never had any pregnant ones.

Alex appeared after talking to the cashier. "They said they'd hold it for a couple of hours," she said.

In the next store Alex found two more dresses to try on, and while she was changing Ella found a third. It was light purple with a sequined bodice that caught the light and sparkled. The skirt was made of layers of flowing material, trimmed with a bottom edge that curled, pulling the lengths into light, curvy folds. The perfect prom dress. She found Alex's size and brought it to the locker room. Alex was looking in the mirror at a tight red dress. Ella turned up her nose and Alex asked, "No?"

"No. Too short, too tight, too ... ah, slutty."

Alex feigned offence but laughed. "It was pretty on the hanger." She noticed the dress in Ella's hand. "Did you find one? Try it on!"

"No, it's too small for me. I got it for you to try. Do you like it?"

Alex nodded, took the dress and disappeared into the locker room. Ella waited, listening to the shifting sounds from the behind the door. She avoided the mirror on the wall and picked at a catch on her nail, looking up when she heard Alex's door open. Alex made a face and Ella had to agree. The dress was too big in the bodice but too tight underneath. The length was too long or too short—she wasn't sure which—but it fell at an awkward length that somehow made Alex look shorter.

"Yeah, that's a no."

"You try it on," Alex looked past her own reflection in the mirror to Ella's behind her. "Really, Ella. Try it on! It can't look any worse on you than it does on me."

"Oh, I'm sure it can. It won't fit."

"Then try another size. For laughs." Alex disappeared back into the locker room. A moment later, the fluid purple material came flying over the door, followed by one more firm command. "Just try it!"

"Alright, alright," Ella agreed just to prove her wrong. She returned to the rack and traded it for a larger size. In the locker room she kicked off her flip-flops, dumped Charlie's hoodie on the small stool then laid her jeans on top of it. She pulled the dress over her head and tucked her breasts into the bodice. She was surprised to feel it hug her in a comfortable fit. "It's won't even do up in the back," she shot over the door.

"Come out and I'll help you," Alex answered. She opened the door and stepped out, holding her ponytail out of the way up for Alex to zip the back. With a slight tug, Alex guided the zipper up and smoothed down the fitted back. The empire-waist of the dress fell between Ella's breasts and her rounded middle. The swell of her belly raised the hem a couple of inches in the front, while the back hung lower. Alex stepped back away and looked at Ella in the mirror. "Wow."

Ella examined her reflection. Her lips curled up the corners of her mouth. "It fits," she whispered, shocked.

"Fits? It looks perfect! How does it feel?"

"Comfortable. Pretty. Almost ... normal." Ella shifted her weight and enjoyed how the skirt swung from side to side. She twirled a little, watching in the mirror as the material lifted up around her just a bit. "I think I've found my dress!"

"Great! Told you!" Alex moved to unzip the back. "C'mon, we gotta go find mine!"

They visited four more stores before Alex decided she liked the black dress best. Happy with their choices, the girls put them in the car and went for lunch. While Alex went to the washroom, Ella pulled out her phone and sent Charlie a text. FOUND 1. HOPE U LIKE. She was smiling at his response, I'LL <3 IT! XO, when Alex returned to their table.

"Charlie?"

"Yup." Ella felt her face flush. "I hope he likes it."

"He will. He'd be happy if you showed up in your gym clothes, but he'll definitely love that dress." Ella smiled, believing her.

❊❊❊

**Katherine laughed and handed** Danny another bag. "Hold this." He rolled his eyes and made a big production of accepting it. "I need my hands free." She shrugged as she shifted through the tiny-sized clothes.

"I think we have enough," he said, but his voice was light.

"But look." Katherine held up a soft pink-striped sleeper. "Maybe we should get one pink one. It might be a girl." She compared the green sleeper then showed them both to Danny. "Which one?"

"Green. Let's go."

"Boys can wear pink, you know," she said as she put the green one back. "One pink sleeper will be okay. We can return it if it's a boy—or give it away to someone else." She pretended she didn't see him roll his eyes as she headed to pay.

Back out in the mall corridor, he asked, "Want to get something for lunch? I'm hungry."

She nodded. "Food court or pizza?"

"Food court, it's faster. I'll take these bags to the car and meet you there." She reached up on her toes to press a quick kiss on his cheek and waved as he stalked off to the exit.

Katherine meandered the long way to the food court, peeking in store windows as she went. It was prom season, so some stores had fancy dresses in their windows. The colours were fantastic, bright blues, purples and pinks. She wished that those options had been popular when she was in high school but wondered if she would have had the guts to wear something so flashy. She remembered her prom dress: classy but neutral—nothing like the flamboyant dresses on display.

By the time she reached the food court, Danny was standing in the middle looking for her, sucking on the straw of a slushy. They ordered subs and found an empty table. She unwrapped her sandwich and poked the pickles back under the bread.

"What about 'Levon'?" he asked. She looked up to study his face, unsure if he was serious or joking.

"'Levon'? Like the Elton John song?"

"Did he sing that one? I thought it was Billy Joel."

"Elton John."

"Oh. Well, what about it?"

"No."

"No? Just like that? I thought this was supposed to be a discussion." His words were mumbled through the large bite of sandwich in his mouth.

"Make real suggestions and we'll discuss."

"Oh, like your suggestions have all been stellar," he laughed, and she couldn't help but smile.

"There's nothing wrong with 'Angus.' Old names are coming back."

"Not that one," he snorted.

She watched him for a moment while he picked at the lettuce in his sandwich. When he glanced up and caught her looking he frowned. "What?" He wiped at his face, looking for the cause of her scrutiny.

She felt her lips tip into a smile. "It's really going to happen, isn't it?"

"Looks like it is." He put his hand over hers. "But we're not naming him Angus." She kicked his shin under the table.

❊❊❊

**It was like a** bad car accident. Ella didn't want to look, but she couldn't help it. Dr. Wilson had warned, "Stay off the Internet, ask me what you need to know." But of course that hadn't worked—maybe it did for her "grown-up" clients. A Google search brought up more information than Ella ever needed to know. She compared her symptoms to those listed on pregnancy sites. She didn't have many. The times she thought she had the flu, it probably wasn't. She had been tired and had obviously gained weight. It was hard to determine if she was emotional because of the pregnancy or because she was eighteen. Following the baby's development was interesting, but the information available on the birth was another story.

And the videos. Why would anyone post that on YouTube? The bottom line was that the baby had to get out somehow. And online she could see more than she wanted about the 'somehow.' But she couldn't help it. She laid her hand on the bulge and felt it shift. It was still strange to her that a person was in there. The truth that, within months, that person would be crashing her party was surreal. Not much of a party left. The strength of the baby's movement was scary too. Rolls would wave across her belly, points would poke out one side or the other; a few times it felt like the baby was trying to reach up between her ribs and the skin that covered them. That hurt. She wished she hadn't seen Alien.

Sometimes Ella hated the movement she felt, the intrusive reminders that the baby was there. But she didn't hate it nearly as much as she expected. To her surprise, there were times she enjoyed feeling the kicks and turns, and she always liked the hiccups, small rhythmic beats from inside that would patter for a while then suddenly stop. She figured out what those were on Google too. Maybe there was some good information there.

❊❊❊

**Katherine stood in the** middle of the nursery and turned slowly around. It looked so perfect that she scoffed at Danny's grumbling about their Visa being "out of control." The crib housed a handful of stuffed animals and soft toys. A print of animals and letters with shades of blue that matched the wall hung on the opposite wall. The closet was open, sleepers and outfits hung washed and ready, with the smallest on the left, growing in size to the right. The handmade Mother's Day card was perched on the bureau next to the framed ultrasound picture the agency had given them. Danny had even surprised her with a white glider chair that he placed in the corner, a pastel patched blanket draped over the top. It was perfect.

Katherine heard the door slide open behind her, and Cooper's nails clicked slowly behind Danny's soft tread. She sighed and leaned back into him when he slipped his arms around her waist and kissed her shoulder. "It's finally perfect!"

She felt him nod against her. After a moment, he cleared his throat but his voice still caught when responded. "Yeah, it is."

She stepped out of Danny's arms to turn and face him. His eyes were wide and wet. His face was pinched tightly as if he was fighting to keep control. "What's wrong?" she whispered. He only shook his head. "Danny, what is it?"

"Carole called." His face was still, but she knew him well enough. She stepped back.

"No."

"Carole called. The family decided to keep the baby."

"Stop." Katherine stepped back again but he stepped forward and held her arms, locking her in place.

"The girl's parents want it."

"But, they said—"

"They're going to keep it. There's nothing we can do."

❊❊❊

**Ella was nervous. She** hadn't been able to eat much all day and her stomach was protesting. Ben and Charlie had gone that afternoon to pick up the tuxes they rented. When they returned she asked to see what they had picked out. Both of them refused. Charlie winked and said, "You show me yours and I'll show you mine," before she stomped away.

She expected Alex any minute since they only had a little more than an hour before Tyler and Charlie would be there to pick them up. Ella was drying her hair when Alex burst in the room. "Hey! I didn't hear you arrive."

"Your mom caught me in the kitchen. She's a wreck."

Ella laughed. Her mother was excited. She had been gushing about the prom since Ella had shown her the dress. "Yeah, I'll be surprised if she doesn't follow us there." She looked at her reflection and sighed in frustration. "I have no idea what to do with this mess. It's too hot to wear my hair down."

Alex stepped behind her and pulled Ella's hair up into her hands. "What about a low bun? That's pretty and will be cool for the evening." As she talked, her hands worked to move the hair into place as demonstration. She held it for Ella to inspect, meeting her eyes in the mirror.

Ella nodded. "That works." When Alex let go of her hair, Ella brushed it out again and pulled it into a low ponytail, carefully spinning the tail down its length, then twisting it back on itself.

"Wait!" Alex exclaimed, then grabbed her duffle bag and rummaged through its contents, finally pulling out a sparkling comb with a triumphant, "Here!" The comb was delicate and laced with beads that threw specks of light around the room. "It's beautiful. Aren't you going to wear it?"

"Nope, I'm going to wear mine down. Want me to put it in?" Ella nodded and watched in the mirror as Alex pushed it gently but firmly above the bun, patting it to test the stability. "There, that shouldn't go anywhere."

"Stand back!" Ella warned as she picked up her bottle of hair spray and doused her head with a heavy mist. "Now it's not going anywhere."

Ella glanced at her reflection for one more critical check. "There. Good enough. I'm ready for the dress!" She felt giddy in spite of herself. She reached into the closet where the dress was hidden and pulled it out. Stepping out of her sweats, she pulled the dress over her head, careful not to mess up her hair in the process, then turned her back to Alex. "Could you zip me, please?"

Once she was assembled, Ella looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was swept back with a few pieces already hanging loose that softened the look around her face. Her makeup was subtle but pretty. She slipped her feet into silvery ballet slippers, still disappointed that she couldn't wear heels. Alex smiled in approval. "Perfect!"

"Hurry up and get dressed. I feel foolish all done up by myself," Ella said.

Alex pulled her dress out of its garment bag. Within moments, the girls stood side by side in front of the mirror smiling foolishly at each other. "Wow, we clean up good, Alex."

There was a knock at the door and Ella's mother poked her head in. Ella noticed her eyes tear up. "Girls, you look stunning!" She pressed her folded hands to her mouth. "Turn around—turn around, let me see it all!" She shook her head and wiped at her eyes as the girls turned slowly. "I've never seen basketball stars look so glamorous before."

"Well, my gym clothes are a lot more comfortable," Ella complained half-heartedly, drawing a roll from her mother's eyes.

"Okay, hug me quick before I cry!" Her mother laughed, wiping at her eyes again.

"Before you cry?" Alex argued, stepping into the embrace with Ella. With a quick squeeze, Ella's mother released them. She fanned her face and muttered something about growing up. Then, as she moved to leave the room, she turned back and said, "Ella, Charlie's here. He wanted to know if you could spare a minute to talk with him. Shall I send him up?"

"He's early!" Ella cursed the butterflies in her stomach.

Alex grinned. "It's okay, we're ready. I'll go down too, so you can have a minute."

Her mother warned, "One minute."

Before Ella could grow more nervous, she heard Charlie bounding up the stairs two at a time. He rapped on her open door. Ella took him in as he stepped over the threshold. His height was accentuated by the dark pinstriped tux that fit perfectly across his wide shoulders and narrow hips. His jacket was open, showing a dark plum cummerbund that matched the low tones of her dress perfectly. His bow tie was undone, hanging in two strands from under the stiff collar of his white shirt. His white-and-red basketball sneakers peaked out from the bottom of his pant legs, making Ella laugh out loud. She glanced at his face. He was pale, eyes wide and holding his breath.

"What's wrong?" she asked, taking a step towards him.

"Nothing," he whispered. "You look—I've never seen—um, wow." He stopped stammering and stared.

"You look pretty good yourself. How did you know my dress was purple?"

Charlie's colour was returning and his shoulders relaxed to their usual height. "Alex," he said with a lopsided grin. He fidgeted with his hanging tie. "I don't know how to do it."

Ella shrugged. "Me either." She stood for a moment, watching him watch her before she had to break the silence. "You're early."

Charlie took a hesitant step towards her and nodded. Ella felt herself blush under his study. When he was within reach, he put his hand out to touch her shoulder and run his finger down her arm. "I, ah, wanted to ... I have something," he hesitated then rushed on. "But you don't have to wear it." With an exasperated sigh, he stopped talking and reached into his jacket pocket to pull out a small box. He handed it to Ella and she opened the lid.

Inside lay a shiny pearl pendant, suspended from a simple silver chain. Ella gasped and took it from the box. "Charlie, it's beautiful!" she whispered.

"It's a pearl, see?" She nodded while he gingerly reached two long fingers in to pick up the pearl. "You know they're from those clam-things? Not clams but like them?"

"Oysters." Ella laughed.

"Oysters. Yeah. So it takes, like years, for the, uh, oysters? Oysters to make one, right? A piece of like, plain sand gets turned into a pearl. And they're kinda rare so it's pretty cool to find one and well..." He ran out breath and stopped rambling. Ella was amused by the loss of his self-assured demeanour. It was sweet to see him so unnerved.

"Can you help me put it on?" Ella took the necklace from him and opened the clasp, then handed it back and turned around. Charlie slipped it over her head and fastened it, then brushed his hands over her shoulders. She turned back to him and whispered, "Thank you."

"I just—" Charlie took both of her hands in his. Taking a deep breath, he started again. "Ella. You know I've, well, I've loved you since forever, right? But now, I think, I mean I'm pretty sure I'm..." He fingered the pearl hanging against her breast bone. "Yeah," he sighed then looked right at her. "I love you."

Ella blinked back tears. She was lost for words. She expected to be surprised, maybe even frightened by the moment he said those words, but standing there holding his hands, she realized she'd known for a long time. It felt right. "Charlie, I'm in love with you too," she whispered through her smile, tipping up on her toes to kiss him.

Stepping back after a moment, Charlie grinned sheepishly. "We should go downstairs." He waved at Ella's chiffon-covered belly. "I don't want to get blamed for all this." Ella swatted his arm but couldn't stop smiling as she picked up her clutch and followed him out.

The living room was full. Ella's mother was taking pictures. Tyler seemed terribly uncomfortable in the small room, surrounded by people he hardly knew. He and Alex looked grateful when Ella and Charlie walked in and claimed Ella's mother's attention. "Tyler and I should go," Alex said.

"Oh!" Ella's mother breathed, looking at her watch. "It's almost that time, isn't it? I just need a few more, okay? Doug, do up Charlie's tie, would you?"

"Ma, why don't you just take one of each of us and then you can splice them together in any way you want?" Ben scoffed. Ella looked his way and noticed him for the first time. His tux was black, with a black tie and vest. He had smoothed back his typically unruly hair. He looked good. He looked grown-up.

"Hush up!" their mother scolded. "Go stand beside Charlie."

Ella felt a little embarrassed, but more loved, by the way her parents followed them to the porch ushering warnings and well wishes. She took the elbow Charlie offered and let him lead her to the car.

The school gym had been transformed with balloons, streamers, tulle and tiny flickering lights. There was already a crowd by the time Ella and Charlie arrived. The music was loud and the hum of conversation rose above it. Ella looked for Ben and Alex but couldn't see either in the low lighting. She held Charlie's hand and followed his lead as he walked the outskirts of the crowd but when "Brown Eyed Girl" started, she stopped in her tracks. Charlie turned, looking at her quizzically then grinned and changed course to the dance floor. Once they found space in the crowd Ella started to dance. She loved the way the skirt of her dress swung as she moved and relished the way Charlie watched her. Before the end of the song they were joined by Alex and Ben and their dates. Ella felt the beat pound through her and she grinned at her friends. She was happy.

After several fast songs, Ella was glad she hadn't worn heels. The music shifted to a ballad and Charlie grinned at her from across their circle of friends. He swaggered over and held out his hand. Ella stepped into his arms, frustrated that the bulge in her middle kept them apart. She knew Charlie was watching her face so she forced a smile. He tipped down to whisper. "What's wrong?"

Ella cringed at him in response, not knowing how to explain. She shrugged, but he waited. She reached up on her toes and he bent his ear close to her mouth. "I wish we could be closer, you know, without this in the way." She settled back on her heels, anxious to see his reaction.

Charlie straightened up with a soft, sincere smile on his face, his eyes gazing straight into hers. If he was hiding different feelings, she couldn't see it. "You're beautiful," he whispered. Ella sighed and shifted her position so her hip and the side of her belly were against him. She was able to nestle her head on his chest and she felt him kiss her forehead as he led her around the floor to the music. Ella was determined to leave the stress of her reality out of their night.

After the ballad the music sped up and Ella laughed and danced away from Charlie, feeling carefree for the first time in months. She was watching Ben and Charlie dance when she noticed a change in their expressions. They stopped singing, lost the beat and gawked at something behind her. Ella wasn't fooled by their quick attempts to regain composure. When she turned around, it only took a moment to spot Karen strutting across the gym. She was dressed in a skimpy bright red dress that should have been a couple inches longer (on the top and bottom). With his arm draped around her shoulders, claiming her as his date, was Sam Cleveland.

Ella stopped dancing and stared as Sam and Karen walked towards her. She felt a tug on her arm and glanced over to see Alex. "Never mind!" Alex hissed. Ella flashed a forced grin at her friend and turned her back to Karen and Sam. She tried to find the beat again, but her dancing felt awkward and clumsy. She grew self-conscious, sure that everyone was watching for her reaction.

"Did you know she was coming with him?" Ella hissed over the music to Alex.

"Fuck, no! I would have told you!"

Ella tried to smile. "Sorry, I know. What is she thinking?"

"I dunno, but it's her problem, not yours. Don't let this ruin your night."

Ella pressed her lips together in a determined line and blinked hard. "I won't. Who cares, right?" She wished her voice mirrored the flippancy of her words.

Charlie flashed a bright smile and came over to dance goofy moves in circles around Ella, making her laugh. She caught Ben's concerned look and smiled, trying to reassure him. She closed her eyes and let the rhythm move through her, smothering the negative emotions and drawing her back into contentment. By the time another ballad came on, Ella was relaxed and happy when she slipped into Charlie's embrace.

"You okay?" he asked.

Ella nodded and reached up to kiss his lips. "I don't want to talk about it." Charlie smiled down at her and kissed her again.

At the end of the song, Ella stepped back. "I need a drink, I'll be right back."

"I'll come too." Charlie took her hand. Their first step was interrupted by a group of Charlie's friends, who surrounded him with loud voices and laughter.

"I'll be right back," Ella repeated, shaking her hand from Charlie's. He looked up and she nodded, leaving him to talk with his friends.

At the back of the gym, a table was set up with disposable cups, a few punch bowls and bottles of water. Ella wanted the sweet punch but didn't trust the other students enough to try it. Instead she took a bottle of water and walked over to the side of the gym. Slippers or no, her feet were aching.

She was laughing at Ben's dancing when she felt someone sit down beside her. She turned and was surprised to see Karen glaring at her.

"Hi, Karen." What else is there to say?

"Ella, what's your problem?"

Ella told herself to close her gaping mouth. "Huh?"

"I saw how you looked at us. He's not yours, you had your chance."

Part of Ella wanted to convince Karen to stay far away from Sam. But she decided it would be a waste of breath. "Just be careful," she muttered at last.

Karen frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?" When Ella just shook her head, Karen hissed, "He says you were cheating on him the whole time and it's pretty obvious that Charlie's more than a friend."

Ella knew it was a lost cause to correct her, but she was surprised to find she didn't really care. She winced a despairing smile at Karen and nodded. "Yeah, I've got Charlie now." She stood and walked away before Karen could squeeze in the last word, resisting the urge to look at the eyes boring into her back.

When Ella reached the boys on the dance floor, Ben flung his arm around her shoulders, forcing her body to move along with his. She laughed and followed his lead, shaking her inhibitions and stress away with the music.

Ella danced until the lights were brought up at the end of the night. Only then would she admit how tired she was. The students walked from the gym out into the night, slowed by chatting and laughing. In the parking lot, Charlie and Ella bid goodbye to the others as they went to their separate cars. Ella flopped into the passenger seat of Charlie's with an exhausted groan. "Oh, I'm going to hurt tomorrow!" she wailed with a laugh.

Charlie grinned. "You're amazing. I figured you'd crash early," he said, laying a hand on her thigh.

Ella tried to look hurt. "What, think I can't keep up with you?"

She could tell Charlie was searching for a witty response but after a beat he shrugged and said, "Nope," as he put the key in the ignition. The drive home was too short, filled with music and laughter. Ella considered telling Charlie about her conversation with Karen but knew it would only dampen his mood. When they reached her driveway, Ella was disappointed the night was coming to an end.

"Ben's not home yet," Ella commented, noticing the car was missing. "Think he had a good time?"

"Seemed to."

Ella watched Charlie for a moment. "Can you stay for a bit? It's nice, we could sit on the porch." Charlie nodded. By the time Ella had pushed open her door and maneuvered around to put her feet out of the car, Charlie was there to help her up. She groaned, feeling new areas of pain that had emerged since leaving the dance, and noticed Charlie trying not to laugh. He took her hand and they walked to the front porch, where they leaned side by side against the railing.

"I had an awesome time, Ella. I know you weren't sure, but I'm glad you came." He finished by kissing the back of the hand that he held.

She smiled. "It turned out great. I'm glad I went too." He turned her face and kissed her.

Their kiss was interrupted by the splash of headlights that momentarily flooded the porch. Charlie pulled back, breathless. "Damn that brother of yours," he muttered, making Ella laugh.

❊❊❊

**When Katherine woke, the** blinds were drawn. She didn't know if it was light out anymore. Danny was beside her on the bed watching a movie. She tried not to move, not to let him know she was awake, but somehow he knew. He always did. He turned off the TV and slipped his arm around her. "Hey, how are you feeling?" She sighed but didn't answer. Danny knew she didn't have the flu that had excused her from work and lunch with her mother. Maybe everyone else knew too, but Katherine didn't care. She couldn't face their pity for losing the baby that was never theirs to start with.

"Let's go get some dinner," said Danny. "Kat," He pulled on her shoulder, tipping her over onto her back. She kept her face turned away. "C'mon, let's go do something. How about a walk?"

"I don't feel like it."

"Hiding at home isn't going to help."

"I know that."

Danny sighed and slipped his arm away. She felt him get up and heard his feet step around the bed until he stood in front of her. He smiled down for a moment before he sat on the edge.

"Katherine, c'mon. We've been here before."

"No, we haven't. I thought this was it." She knew she was being irrational, maybe even hysterical, but she couldn't summon the effort to care.

Danny sighed and stood up. She hoped he would go away and leave her alone, but he didn't. She heard him traipse back to his side of the bed, and then the mattress sagged when he lay back down. His hand lay on her hip and the TV came back on. Blaring gunfire and shouting filled the bedroom.

#  JULY

**Ella didn't want to** admit she was bored. The first few days off had been great: sleeping in, hanging out all day, staying up late watching the ballgame or a movie. She was glad to be done school, out from under the gossip microscope. But now that summer vacation was in full swing, Ben and all her friends were busy with summer jobs. With just over two weeks left before the baby, no one would hire her. Instead, she moped at home.

Ella looked at the clock again. Two hours until her family would start getting home. She regretted not keeping her mother's car. Most days Ella drove her mother to and from work, but that morning she hadn't been able to get out of bed in time to take her. She figured she'd be alright hanging out at home, but she was wrong. The day had dragged. She had cleaned as best as she could, but the activity had left her sore. She had tried to nap or watch a movie but she was hot and uncomfortable and unable to be still long enough.

With a sigh, Ella pushed herself out of the armchair and headed to the front door. She hoped the worst of the day's heat was over. Without bending, she slipped her feet into her flip-flops. She pulled the basketball out of the closet with her toe and stuck her foot under it to flip it up into her hands. She dribbled the ball out the door and to the net in the driveway.

Ella forced the ball hard on the pavement, trying to push her frustrations into the bounce. She stopped at the familiar pattern of pebbles in the asphalt that had long ago been designated the foul line and positioned her hands on the ball. She stared hard at the rim and blew a puff out of her cheeks. She sailed the ball through the net, hanging her hand in follow-through. The familiarity of the shot comforted her. Some things never change. Hitting the ground, the ball bounced back to her, where she caught it to repeat the ritualized shot. Again. And again. As she worked in rhythm, her anxiety calmed and her frustration eased. She had stopped playing, frustrated by the way her body moved—or didn't—in response to her mental instructions. But she'd kept shooting, and her shot had gotten better. She was thankful that one aspect of her game had improved during her forced hiatus.

Time flew while Ella was shooting, so she was surprised to see Ben walking up the driveway. He put his backpack down on the grass and held his hands out. She tossed him the ball and moved to catch his rebound as he took a shot from outside the key. The ball fell through the net. She tossed it back and he shot again. For several minutes they played without speaking, taking turns shooting and rebounding, passing the ball back and forth. They moved enough that Ella became winded and had to take a break. Her frustration returned as she swore under her quickened breath. She whipped the ball at Ben, who caught it cleanly and looked at her with sympathy.

"It'll get better."

"How do you know?" she shot back, plunking down on the front step. She watched Ben shoot around, mulling in her dark thoughts. Better? I'd settle for back to normal. But what is normal now? 'Normal' hadn't included six months of training lost going into the most important year of scouting. Or a reputation for cheating on one boyfriend with another and lying about paternity. Or having a baby raised by someone else. 'Normal' didn't include feeling like a disappointment. Ella couldn't go back to normal and take those truths away.

Then again, 'normal' meant Charlie was just a friend who treated me like one of the guys.

Ben's shot glanced off the rim and bounced towards her. She caught the ball and held it instead of passing it back. Ben walked over and she put her hand out. "Help me up." He pulled her to her feet with a grin. She pounded the ball on the pavement and moved towards the net, passing it to Ben behind her without looking back. "C'mon let's go," she grumbled with a renewed determination not to quit.

❊❊❊

**When Katherine woke up** , she was alone. She sat up in bed and looked around. The room was dark.

"Danny?" No answer.

She slipped out of bed. Peeking in the bathroom as she walked past, she headed out into the hall. A sound from the nursery stopped her tiptoeing. She went to the door and pushed it open. He sat in the rocking chair, his head in his hands with his elbows on his knees. When he looked up his face was wet. She had never seen him look so broken.

She crossed the room and curled in his lap, wrapping her arms around him. He buried his face in her hair and cried until he was spent.

"What do we do with all of these things? We can't take them back," he whispered.

"I know," she mumbled.

"We cut off all the tags. You washed the clothes."

"I know," she said again.

"It—it can't stay here, Katherine. I need it gone."

This surprised her more than his tears. "We spent a lot of money, Danny. It would be too expensive to replace everything when we need it."

"We might never need it. What reason is there to think we will?" The words pressed out, sharp and bitter, high-pitched and hysterical. She hated the way they sounded.

"Danny, don't."

"Don't what, Katherine? Maybe it's time we face the facts. It's just not meant to be for us." His voice was so broken, so unsure, that it was foreign to her.

"Danny," she pleaded, begging him to come back as her strong, silly man.

"I can't." The bitterness was gone, leaving his tone defeated. "I just can't have it all here and ready like this. We can give things away or something, I don't care."

"Okay," she whispered, hugging him tighter. "I'll pack it all up tomorrow, okay?"

Danny nodded against her chest. "Okay," he said. "Okay."

❊❊❊

**Ella lay frightened in** the dark. She had gone to bed early feeling unwell and tried to sleep, but her upset stomach had only gotten worse. She had pulled her laptop into bed and searched for symptoms of labor, but they didn't sound like how she felt. _And I still have six days to go._ She was scared but she didn't want to wake her parents. Then the pain started. _Okay, so maybe this is it after all._ It was coming in waves and she watched the clock in terror. She couldn't remember when her doctor had said to go to the hospital. Another wave hit, her belly started to tighten and pull. She curled around her swollen middle trying to contain the pain. The searing started low and radiated out in spite of her tight hold. It enveloped her, engulfing her in a wave that stole her breath and chased away any reasonable thoughts. She forced her mouth shut and pressed her face into her pillow, determined not to call out.

As the pain ebbed away, Ella realized she had to do something. She pushed herself up to sit on her bed and took a few deep breaths, then got up onto her feet. She made her way across the room and pulled a pair of pyjama pants on under her T-shirt. As she stood to pull the pants up, she was hit with an unexpected wave, shooting from her middle outwards. Caught unaware, she groaned before she bit her lips closed between her teeth. Folded over, she held onto the edge of her desk and waited for the wave to crash and roll away. Suddenly Ben was there. Ella looked up at him but couldn't say anything as he guided her into her desk chair.

"Sit tight, Ells. I'm going to get Mom." Ella wrapped her arms around her middle.

Within moments, Ella was no longer alone. Her father and Ben hovered in the doorway while her mother rushed into the room and peppered her with questions: "How long has it been hurting?" "How much time between them?" "How long do they last?" Ella shook her head, not sure about anything. Her fear had grown and pushed past her ability to keep it bottled, flowing out in tears and incoherent apologies.

"Ben, pack a bag for her—clothes, toothbrush, you know. Doug, find our shoes in that mess downstairs and get my phone." Moments later, Ella was packed carefully into the car.

Ella did not remember the drive to the hospital. The first moment that had strong roots in her memory happened as she was being admitted. The door to her room swung open, but instead of the transfer nurse, there stood Charlie, his face ashen under his hood. "Ella," he exhaled, as if he had been holding his breath. He stepped to the side of the bed.

Ben slipped quietly into the room behind Charlie and Ella heard their mother say, "Ben, I told you to go back to bed."

Ben shrugged. "Charlie needed a ride."

"Momma..." Ella groaned as she felt the pain returning. She closed her eyes and pressed her hands against her tightening belly trying to keep the pain localized there. Still, the swell of pain broke and surrounded her, ending the tangible memory isolated in her fog.

Ella returned to herself as the anesthesiologist collected her tools and left the room, and she started to believe she might not die after all. She kept her eyes closed, trying to regain control of her breathing and her thoughts, relishing in her awareness that grew as the pain abated. After a bit she opened her eyes and scanned the room. The lights were low. A nurse sat at her bedside watching a flashing monitor and making notes in a file. Her mother sat at the end of her bed but when their eyes met she jumped up and moved to sit beside Ella. "Hi sweetheart, are you feeling better?"

"Much. I'm scared, though."

Her mother nodded. "I'm sure you are, but you'll do great." She's supposed to say something like that.

"Where's Charlie?" Ella asked hesitantly, worried it would hurt her mother's feelings.

Her mother smiled and patted her leg. "He's in the family room with Ben and your dad. I told him he could come back when you were feeling better. Do you want me to get him?"

Ella felt tears well in her eyes and her face flush hotly. "I don't want him to see. I don't want him to see me like, like this." She had no idea how to explain her embarrassment. He won't want to touch me again.

"Honey, it's okay to be scared, Charlie won't mind. Do you want him to come in?" Ella bit her lower lip as a tear escaped out of the corner of her eye and rolled back into her ear. She nodded.

After her mother left the room, the nurse stood and came closer. "Don't worry. We can keep him up here by your head. He won't have to see anything that you don't want him to."

"He's not the father, we haven't..." Ella's voice trailed off in embarrassment.

"It's okay, you don't need to explain." A machine sent out an alert that caught the nurse's attention. Ella stiffened. The nurse turned back to Ella and patted her hand. "No worries, you're just having a contraction."

"I am?"

The nurse laughed. "Yes, it looks like a good one too—" She pointed to a glowing line that trudged up a slope on the screen, and then wrote a few notes in the file. "Thank goodness for meds, right?"

Ella nodded. "I don't even feel it." She heard movement and turned to see Charlie standing in the doorway. His eyes darted around the room. He was still pale.

He inched towards the bed. "Hey." His attempt to smile failed miserably. When he reached Ella, he glanced at her as if she were made of glass. He seemed afraid to take her hand. The nurse rolled a chair over. "Oh, uh, thanks." He sat down. "You look better," he said, as if willing it to be true.

"I am. Magic drugs."

"Good. Freaked me out back there." His pale face and haunted eyes indicated that was an understatement.

"I'm glad you're here," Ella whispered. Charlie smiled and touched her face, pushing a loose lock away from her eyes. "Why are you here, anyway?"

"Where else would I be?"

"Um, home in bed. Ben wasn't supposed to call you."

Charlie's anxious eyes softened just a bit. "I made him promise. I knew he'd have my back. I hope your mom's not mad?"

"I don't think so. I think she gets it." After a hesitation she whispered, "Charlie, I'm scared."

He looked at her for a moment, his eyes darting as if searching for the right thing to say. Finally he whispered back, "Me too." Ella cursed the tears filling her eyes again. "Will you stay with me?"

He was nodding before she finished. "Yeah, 'course." He reached up to wipe her cheek dry where a tear escaped.

The nurse checked Ella's monitor. "You two should get some rest while the going is good. Ella, you'll need a lot of strength in just a little while." She checked the IV and monitor then moved back to her desk where she wrote in the file.

Ella wrinkled her nose at Charlie. "I'm too nervous to sleep."

"She's right, though. Close your eyes, that'll help."

"Easy for you to say," Ella grumbled. "You're staying, right?"

Charlie laid his forearms on the bed beside her and rested his chin on them. "Right here," he mumbled as he closed his eyes. She sighed. For a long while, Ella watched the monitor as it beeped near the foot of her bed. She saw her contractions being measured but didn't feel them. Eventually, Charlie's breathing turned even and deep. If he's faking, he's good at it. She wondered how Charlie could cast off worry so easily. His even breathing seemed to keep time with the soft noises coming from the monitor. Listening to their rhythm was strangely soothing. Ella closed her eyes, trying to match her breath with the beats around her.

Ella woke with a start, frantic and anxious, not recognizing the dark room. The tapping noise from her incoherent dream continued at the foot of her bed: the monitor. The events of the evening rushed back to her with a sharp inhale that startled Charlie awake beside her. He looked confused as well, but took her hand and rubbed her arm until she was able to breathe properly.

The nurse hurried over and watched the monitor for a moment. She turned back to Ella with a smile. "How you doing, hon? I'm glad you got some sleep."

Ella winced. "Strange. I have to go to the washroom."

The nurse's face shifted. "Pee?" she asked. Embarrassed, Ella shook her head.

"I think we'd better check you then, before you go anywhere. Hang tight, I'll be right back." The nurse walked over to the desk and made some notes then pulled out a pair of latex gloves. She walked back to the foot of the bed and helped Ella slide her lead feet into the stirrups on either side of the mattress.

"Should I go?" Charlie asked. Ella shook her head and clutched his hand.

"You're fine," the nurse said from the foot of the bed. She looked at Charlie and directed him, "Just hold her hand." The nurse lifted the sheet discreetly and ducked behind it. Ella flinched when she felt her touch and cried out in pain when it deepened. "Sorry, I know that's uncomfortable. The good news is I think you're ready. You're fully effaced and dilated. I'm going to call your doctor and see if we can start pushing." She stepped away from the bed, stripped off her gloves and pressed the intercom button.

Ella stared at Charlie, who had fallen pale again. "Where's my mom?" she asked, her voice breaking.

"I'll get her," he said a little too eagerly.

Ella bit her lip and nodded but didn't let go of his hand. "But come back, 'kay?"

Charlie nodded, but Ella didn't let go until he whispered, "Okay," and kissed her cheek. He turned on his heel and hustled out. Ella watched him go, trying not to panic.

The nurse returned to Ella's side, helped her to sit up more and lifted the hospital bed. She took Ella's hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "I know you're scared but you're going to do just fine. They'll be right back. You're not alone," she cooed. Ella tried to smile but couldn't quite manage it. The nurse handed her a tissue and returned to the foot of the bed. "The doctor said to give it a go and she'll be here in a minute."

Ella nodded. The door swung open and her mother swooshed in with a current of cool air from the hall. Charlie slipped in behind her and hovered near the door. The nurse directed her mother to stand at Ella's side, holding her right leg.

"Charlie, come closer," the nurse said in a voice that made him move. He sat close to Ella's head and held her hand.

The nurse raised Ella's other leg and peeked under the sheet. "Alright, Ella, when you feel like you want to push, try it out. A little push, as if you're trying to poop." Ella felt pressure on her hips, as if they were being pushed apart from the inside. "That's good," the nurse said. "Now take a deep breath ... that's it, and hold it and push. Come on, Ella, push."

Ella pushed harder, driving her chin to her chest and holding her breath. As she pushed, a searing pain shot out from between her legs and sent burning sparks throughout her body. She cried out and fell back against the bed. Charlie squeezed her hand and wiped his sleeve across his eyes.

The nurse pulled the sheet down and let Ella's feet rest in the stirrups. "That's good, Ella, that's really good. You're doing great. Take a break for a moment and we'll try again." She moved away from the bed to make a note in the file on the desk.

Ella looked at her mother and started to cry. "I can't do it, Momma, I just can't."

Her mother stepped up closer and took Ella's free hand, holding it to her chest. Her other hand brushed Ella's face, wiping the tears. "Yes, you can. You'll do just fine. You're a brave, strong girl. You can do this."

Ella searched her mother's face for doubt. With a knock, the door swung open and Dr. Wilson strolled into the room. "Hi, Ella!" She grinned. "I see you're ready to get this over with?" Ella nodded. "Good, let's see what's going on here, shall we?"

The doctor put on a pair of gloves and peeked under the sheet. Ella groaned as the need to push returned. "Alright, Ella, give me a good push."

Ella pushed hesitantly, afraid of the pain she had felt with the last try.

"Not bad, Ella, but we're going to need more," the doctor said.

"It hurts!"

"I know. You have to push past the pain. You're too tentative and you're stopping too soon. Push until it hurts then push harder and it will be better, I promise." Ella nodded, doubting the doctor's logic, but at a loss of what else to do. "Alright, I see another coming," Dr. Wilson said, watching the monitor. "Let's have it now, girl, a good one."

Ella took a deep breath, put her chin down and pushed with all she had. The pain burned through her and her body begged to quit. She sagged momentarily but then regrouped and pushed harder, squeezing her eyes shut. The women praised her efforts and spurred her on. "Good girl! You can do it!" Spent, Ella fell back against the bed gasping for air.

"That's more like it, Ella, that's what we need!" the doctor crowed. "A few more like that and we'll have a baby,"

Ella lay back with her eyes closed, trying to catch her breath and her thoughts. Her mind raced frantically as she struggled to retain awareness. She was disorientated and confused in her panic. Charlie's lips whispered sounds that she didn't understand.

"Ella, you're ready, let's go again," Dr. Wilson said. Ella gathered herself and pushed again. This time it was easier to find the point beyond the pain. She still felt it in every cell of her body, but the power of pushing past the pain lifted her above it, and fed the force of her push. "Good Ella. Good!" the nurse coached.

Ella heard their voices and sensed the intent in their tone but couldn't make out the words. She strove to find her breath, her thoughts, herself. The room spun and her mind swirled.

She braced herself, sucked in the life around her and pushed as hard as she could. The pain exploded. Behind her clenched eyes, colours flashed; her ears roared and her voice wailed. The searing peaked then suddenly subsided. A wash of relief floated throughout her body into her mind. She heard the doctor echoing directions at the end of the long tunnel. "Shh, shh, easy there, Ella. Breathe. Breathe." Slowly, Ella felt her mind focusing. She rediscovered her arms and legs, hands and feet tingling with sensation. She looked down to see the doctor's shoulders working above the sheet draped over her knees. The eyes above her mask were intense, absorbed in the task in front of her. "Little push..." Dr. Wilson instructed softly, her eyes smiling at Ella. Ella tried and felt a whoosh and a pop, as if her insides had fallen out. For a second, the room was silent. Then it filled with a shrill squawk that rang in her ears and pierced her heart.

"A girl," her mother whispered.

Ella lay still and watched Dr. Wilson across the room. Under a bright light, she wiped the baby down and inspected her from head to toe. She measured her on the scale and poked and prodded at her face, her hands and feet. She wrapped the wailing baby in several blankets and rocked her until the crying ceased.

Charlie still sat in his chair, both of his hands around one of Ella's, his eyes watching her instead of the activity behind him. Ella's mother stood with tears in her eyes. "You did good, sweetheart," she whispered, kissing Ella on the forehead.

Ella's tears trailed from the corner of her eyes into her hair and pooled in her ears. All she had wanted was to get through the pregnancy and get on with her life. But already she felt a void, a loss she hadn't expected and a pain she hadn't anticipated, rooting in her empty belly.

The nurse walked over with the football-shaped bundle. "Do you want to hold her?" she asked. Ella shook her head and looked away. She had imagined the moment over and over since making her decision. She had pictured herself holding the baby, wishing it well with a smile, perhaps a kiss on the nose. How wrong I was. "Maybe later," the nurse said. "Let's get you cleaned up."

Charlie spoke his first words since the baby had been born. "How 'bout I go tell Ben and your dad." Ella glanced his way and saw his strained face and darkened eyes. Does he hate me now? She let go of his hand. Do I hate myself?

Once Charlie was gone, her mother and the nurse helped Ella to the adjoining bathroom, where the nurse ran a hot bath. With their help, Ella lowered herself into the scalding water. It had never felt so good to be surrounded by wet, fiery water. She lay back and closed her eyes, letting the water move up around her shoulders, over her flabby, empty middle and around her legs. She never wanted to leave.

When the water turned cold, Ella's mother helped her up from the tub floor. She hurt everywhere. Her muscles protested, from the balls of her feet to the back of her neck and down the length of her arms. She groaned and wobbled on her feet, gripping her mother's arm as she dressed in a hospital gown and a warm terrycloth bathrobe. The nurse brought a wheelchair to the door and waved dramatically. "Your chariot, Your Highness!" Ella forced a smile of thanks in her direction and settled into it.

Ella glanced furtively around the quiet room. "Where's the baby?"

"She's gone up ahead of you to the recovery floor. We'll get you settled and then we can talk about what happens next," the nurse explained, as if it were routine.

The nurse wheeled Ella out of the room and down the hall, Ella's mother walking at her side. In the elevator, the nurse pushed a button and they rumbled up two floors. When the doors opened there was a hushed bustle on the other side. The nurses' station was busy with people milling around. In the halls, nurses hurried and plain-clothed people stood or paced. The nurse wheeled Ella halfway down the hall and turned right into a small, bare room. A large window showed the early morning darkness being chased by the first light of the sun. The walls were plain and white. The bed was neatly made with starched white sheets. Beside the bed stood an empty plastic bassinet. Ella forced her eyes away from it to where her brother, father and Charlie stood waiting in an awkward silence. She burst into tears.

Ella's parents enveloped her in hugs and gentle whispers, kissing her head and rubbing her arms and back. When she was calmer, they helped her move from the wheelchair to the bed, propped her up and tucked the blankets around her. She saw her brother and Charlie standing silent and ashen, shoulder to shoulder against the wall. "You need some quiet," Ella heard someone say. As if a nap would make everything right. As if a quick doze can eliminate my mistakes and the last nine months and the unthinkable thing I'm going to do. Unable to voice any of those thoughts, Ella nodded in surrender and rested back, closing her eyes to appease everyone. After a few moments she heard them slink out the door, whispering. In the sudden silence Ella sighed and opened her eyes. Her mother was still at the foot of her bed. "Hi, honey," she said.

"Hi."

"Charlie wanted to stay. I made him go. He'll be back later, don't worry." She moved to sit beside Ella on the bed. Ella scooched over and her mother took her in her arms, her legs stretched out beside Ella's longer ones. Ella cried for a long time while her mother held her. When she was spent, Ella took deep breaths trying to slow her breaking heart.

"Ella," her mother said, "they want to know if you want to see the baby."

"I know, but I don't know if I should."

"What are you worried about, honey?"

"What if seeing her makes me change my mind?"

"You've made this decision with a lot of thought, Ella. Only you can decide what is right for you and for that baby. If you are going to change your mind, better to do it now than after she's placed." Her mother squeezed her again. "I'm afraid if you don't see her, you'll regret it."

"Me too."

"So, you want me to bring her in? Are you ready to meet her?"

Ella took a deep breath and nodded.

Her mother kissed her temple and slid off the bed. She was gone out of the room before Ella could change her mind and call her back. Ella pulled her hair out of the wild ponytail and combed it back with her fingers, repositioning the hair tie. She smoothed the sheets around her and fidgeted with her rings. After an eternity, her mother returned carrying a roll of blankets in her arm. She smiled at Ella from the foot of the bed and looked from her to the baby. She stepped closer and held the bundle out. "She is really beautiful, Ella."

Ella held out her hands and received the baby. She tucked her into the crook of her arm and used her free hand to pull the blanket away from her sleeping face. She looked both like every other newborn and like nothing she'd ever seen. Her eyelids lay heavily, lashes brushing her round cheeks. Her tiny nose poked out above round, red pursed lips. She is beautiful.

"I'll be back in a minute," her mother said, leaving before Ella could voice the protest stuck in her throat. Just like that she was alone. With her daughter.

"Hello," Ella whispered. "Remember me?" She found herself smiling as the baby yawned. "You've had a long night, huh? Me too." She was amazed at the lightness of the bundle. How can something so real—so important—be so light? "I wish I could sleep like that. You're pretty good at it already." Ella stroked the baby's forehead with one fingertip. "I bet you're going to be pretty good at lots of stuff." Watching the baby sleep made Ella's own eyes grow heavy. She tried to put the baby in the bassinet, but it hurt too much to move that far. Giving up, she turned on her side and laid the baby beside her on the bed. With her free arm, Ella pushed against the bedrail, testing its sturdiness and relaxed back on the pillow, gazing into the baby's face. Mollified by the baby's shallow breaths, Ella closed her eyes.

❊❊❊

**Katherine and Danny spent** the morning in the state park with Cooper. It was a beautiful day for a walk: sunny and warm but not yet hot. They hiked through the well-worn trails, meeting other dogs and their people. Cooper was getting too old to play with dogs as he once had. He was satisfied now with a mutual butt-sniff before moving on down the path. It made Katherine sad to see he no longer wanted to romp like when he was a puppy.

They picked their way along the riverbank, talking about nothing. At the top of a hill, they turned right and walked down another riverbed, skipping over rocks to cross it. Oblivious, Cooper forged a straight line down the riverbank, alternatively splashing up water and caking his belly with swampy, black mud. By the time they reached the old raised road Cooper was filthy. They stopped at the pebble beach to coax him back into the water and wash off the worst of the mud: a wet dog was better than a muddy one.

Danny leashed Cooper and they headed out of the park to face the obligations of the day. At the car Danny towelled him off and tried to convince him to jump up into the back hatch. Motivation to get into the car at home was great enough for the stiff hind legs to work, but getting into the car to go home was much less appealing. Katherine opened the passenger seat and pulled out her cellphone. There was one missed call from a private number, and a voicemail message. She dialled voicemail and entered her password. She held her breath when she heard Carole's voice.

"Danny. Carole called." Katherine looked up through the car to see a frustrated and wet Danny had given up and lifted Cooper into the back. His eyes met hers for a moment.

"What did she say?"

Her voice sounded flat, even to her. "Just to call her back."

"So? Are you going to call?"

"I'm sure she just wants some information updated or something. It can wait until we get home."

Danny brushed the wet mud and debris off his shirt. He shut the back door and slid into the driver's seat. "You think—"

"No, probably not."

"Okay, home's fine," Danny said after watching her for a moment. He started the car and backed out.

When Danny parked in their driveway Katherine pushed the door open walked around to coax Cooper out. She put him in the yard and double-checked the latch before going into the house. The entryway was empty; so was the kitchen. "Where are you?" she called out. A muffled reply came from the office upstairs. She checked the handheld. Sure enough, it read In Use. She sighed.

Danny traipsed down the stairs and into the kitchen. He was holding the phone to his ear, but Katherine could hear the ringing. He grinned at her, but stopped suddenly to say, "Hello, Carole, it's Danny."

Katherine watched him listen. He looked up and caught her eyes with his. She watched as his eyes welled with tears that he blinked back. She watched him fall to pieces. He managed to say "Uh-huh" and "Okay" into the phone and mouthed the words "a baby" to her. Danny held out his arm. She stepped into his embrace, wrapping her arms around his middle as he rested his cheek on the top of her head. Cooper had padded over to them in the kitchen and barked quietly, asking to be included. She sighed and rested her hand on his soft head. "A baby," she whispered into Danny's chest as he tightened his grip.

❊❊❊

**Ella woke to the** baby's fussing beside her and sat up too quickly, earning painful protest from her exhausted body. The baby started to wail. Ella picked her up and swayed her in her arms. She winced as a foot kicked against her swollen breast. Charlie roused from the armchair, where he was sprawled asleep. Ella looked at him, pleading for help without uttering a word. He nodded and stumbled out of the room, returning moments later with a smiling nurse.

"Hey there, sweetheart!" the nurse cooed as she took the baby from Ella. "It can't be all that bad, is it?"

Probably is. Ella winced. How terrible to wake up next to a mother who doesn't know what to do. The nurse was looking at her and Ella realized she had missed her question. "I'm sorry?"

"Are you breastfeeding?"

Ella shook her head. "No, I'm—she's being adopted." The words tasted foul in her mouth.

The nurse smiled. "I know, dear, but you can still give her the best start possible." She moved towards the bed with the yowling bundle. "Let's give it a try."

Ella put her hands up. "I don't want to. I know it's good for her but I—I can't." What irreparable damage am I inflicting on this innocent infant by denying her? But Ella had talked to Jessie about it and decided that not nursing would be best.

The nurse's smile shifted a bit. "It's the least you can do for her." She took another step.

Charlie stepped between Ella and the nurse and perched on the edge of the bed. "She said no."

The nurse looked at him. "I'm simply trying to—"

"She said no."

"She can speak for herself, I'm sure," the nurse snapped.

"You're right." Charlie nodded and turned to Ella. "Do you want to feed her?"

Ella shook her head empathically. In an effort to use a strong voice, her "No" came out louder than she meant.

The nurse huffed and pulled the squealing baby to her chest. She turned on her heel and left. Ella closed her eyes, trying to block out the echoing cries until she realized they were resonating within her. She felt Charlie's hand on hers.

"You okay?" he asked.

"No."

He sighed and squeezed her hand.

❊❊❊

**Danny held the door** open as Katherine walked into The Children's Heart. Carole came walking down the hall with a purposeful stride. "Danny, Katherine, so happy to see you!"

Danny smiled and took the handshake Carole offered. "We're excited to be here," he said.

"Well, let's get started," Carole suggested, leading them down the hall. They filed into a small office, where she waved them towards two chairs. "We have paperwork to review. Since the baby has been born, we need to act quickly. Here's the profile with medical history and some background information to help you with your decision."

Danny frowned at her. "Is there something concerning in the medical history?"

"That's not for me to say. What's concerning for one family may be something another family is comfortable managing. It's a very personal decision. I don't think you'll be worried about anything, but it is paramount that you consider it before you make your decision." As she spoke, Carole flipped through the papers and drew out two stapled packages.

"I see," Danny replied as he accepted the papers. "What can you tell us?"

"Everything we know is in there. The birth mother is a young girl in high school who had an unplanned pregnancy. She decided several months ago to place her for adoption but only recently identified you as the parents."

"Her?" Katherine's eyes were pulled from the paper to meet Carole's. Although she was looking right at Carole, she could see a raven-haired sprite toddling in front of her eyes.

"Yes, her. She was born early this morning."

"Her." Katherine repeated, looking at Danny.

He shrugged. "I'm wrong sometimes."

Danny studied the paper. "Carole, if she was in high school, what is the chance of drug or alcohol use?"

"There is no claim of it, though the pregnancy did go undetected for several months. My colleague has worked with this girl and is confident that the information she provided is as accurate and complete as it could be, but that is never a guarantee."

"How are you sure she won't change her mind?" Katherine asked.

Carole's smile softened and Katherine didn't like the pity she saw there. She clenched her teeth and hoped she wasn't glaring. "Yes, I know you two had a difficult time last month. I'm sorry," Carole began. "We try not to pass information onto an adoptive family until we're as certain as can be that everything will go forward. Unfortunately, there's no guarantee. I wish I could offer you more assurance."

"We understand," Danny said quickly, but Katherine couldn't bring herself to agree.

"I'm going to leave you two to review this document. Can I get you a coffee or tea?" When they declined, she moved to the door. "I'll be down the hall, just call out if you need anything."

Katherine skimmed the document, then started again at the first page and read it through. The silence in the room grew thick, but she was too nervous to break it. When she finished reading the document a second time, she laid it in her lap and watched Danny until he looked up.

"Well?" he asked.

She wanted to be rational but when she opened her mouth she said, "I'm scared."

"I know. I am too." Danny pulled his chair closer to hers and took her hands. "But we've come this far, let's take this chance."

"Are you sure?"

His smile was sad and he shook his head. "Nope, not even close." But somehow the look he gave her made her trust him.

Katherine took a deep breath and held it for a minute before she whispered, "Okay," as she let herself hope.

❊❊❊

**Ella woke in darkness.** She heard breathing near the foot of her bed and saw her mother's form under a thin sheet on the cot. She was glad her mother was there; she hadn't wanted to stay alone. Ella glanced around and saw her phone lying on the table beside the bed. With a wince and a groan, she reached over and retrieved it to check the time: just after three in the morning. She scrolled through the texts and found one each from Ben and Alex and two from Charlie. She replied to them and put the phone back on the table with a sigh. Beside it was a bottle of pain medicine the doctor had prescribed. The nurse had encouraged her to take them on schedule, warning that once she felt she needed them it would be too late. Ella took two as directed, then looked out the window. The sky was dark, but the lights of the city created an eerie glow above the tall colourful homes across the street.

Her breasts hurt. They were swollen and hard. Even the weight of her T-shirt made them tender. The doctor had given her medication to dry up the milk. It seemed like a cop-out. Ella figured it was karma: this was the universe's way of paying her back. The pain was a reminder of everything she wasn't doing. Everything she wasn't going to do. It's what I deserve.

The heavy door muffled the sounds from the hall but didn't block them out entirely. She could hear people talking and babies crying. She wondered each time if it was hers. Mine? Not mine? Both were true.

Ella thought about the couple she had chosen for the baby. She could see their photos in her mind's eye. Her favourite was a candid someone took when they hadn't noticed. They were looking at each other and laughing. They seemed engrossed in each other, and that had made Ella smile. She wondered if they knew the baby had been born. Her mother had called Jessie, and then relayed Jessie's message of well wishes and plans to come in the next day with paperwork. Thinking back on the brief conversation, Ella was afraid she might throw up.

I made my choice months ago. Ella's mother was right: she hadn't come to the decision lightly. Even now, in the darkness, she knew it was the right thing to do—the only thing to do. So why do I feel so terrible? Now it was real. For months, the baby had remained hypothetical. Even as Ella's belly swelled and her clothes stopped fitting; even as the subtle nudges grew to painful kicks and visible rolls, the baby had remained theoretical or imaginary. Not out of sight or out of mind, but somehow out of the realm of possibility. And so the decisions she had made were also hypothetical, a months-long game of 'what if.' But just shy of twenty-four hours ago, the baby had pushed her way into actuality. Now that the baby was real, so were Ella's decisions. And they hurt.

Ella turned from one side to the other trying to get comfortable. Her hand brushed something soft by the side of the pillow. She held it in the moonlight to get a better look. It was the floppy-eared dog that usually sat on her bed. Ben had stowed it away in her bag, laughing when she pulled it out earlier. She first remembered sleeping with it tucked under her chin when she couldn't have been more than seven years old. She had been frightened of the dark. She recalled, in the strange way that random childhood moments stick, that Charlie had been sleeping over with Ben in the next room and she'd worried that if she tried to go to her parents, the boys would make fun of her. So instead she had trembled in bed with the puppy tucked under her chin until she fell asleep. As she outgrew her stuffed animals and toys, they were thrown out or given away. The puppy stayed. Ella tucked it under her chin in the hospital bed. The fuzz of the plush faux fur was soft and familiar, soothing on her chin and neck. She took a deep breath, let it out slowly and closed her eyes.

❊❊❊

**Katherine studied her eyes** in the mirror as she brushed her teeth. Over the running water, she heard Danny's muffled voice from the bedroom.

Katherine stepped into the doorway of the ensuite, toothbrush in hand. "Huh?"

"I said it's going to be a long four days," Danny repeated. Katherine nodded and went back to the sink, only to hear another attempt at conversation follow her in. She returned to the doorway, brushing, and waited for Danny to repeat himself. "I said I wish we could call the foster family ourselves." She shrugged while she brushed and turned back to run the hot tap and wet her facecloth. According to Carole, when the baby was discharged from the hospital, she would be placed in foster care with a family chosen by The Children's Heart—unless the birth mother changed her mind. The baby couldn't be adopted earlier than four days old, and if her family requested more time, they could have it. Danny and Katherine were not allowed to have contact with the baby during the waiting period, but Carole said she could tell them how she was doing. It didn't seem like nearly enough, but it was all they had.

More words rolled into the bathroom.

Katherine sighed, turned off the water and took the facecloth to the doorway. "I can't hear you, you know."

He grinned. "I know. Do you think she's going home tomorrow?"

"I don't know," she said as she tossed the facecloth to the counter and crossed the room to the bed.

"I hope the mother is doing alright. It must have been a tough day for her, giving birth and then making those choices," he said as Katherine climbed into bed beside him.

"I can't even imagine."

Danny propped himself up on his elbow on his side. "We need a name."

"You're all over the place tonight," Katherine hedged with a laugh. Danny shrugged and kept his gaze on her until she felt compelled to respond. "I don't think we need a name yet."

"Okay, but we should come up with something before we enrol her in school. Those kids can be mean."

Katherine rolled her eyes and grumbled, "You know what I mean."

Danny nodded and lay back, staring at the ceiling. "At least we only have to think of girls' names. Your boys' names were kinda bad." She picked up her book and settled in to ignore him.

"What about Anna?" His voice was natural, without a hint that he knew what his suggestion would do to her, but when she startled and turned to study him he nodded and breathed, "Aha!" as if he had solved a mystery. The raven-haired toddler flashed in her eyes.

"How did you— "

Danny's smile was wide and he squeezed Katherine's hand before he opened the drawer in the table beside him. She watched him rummage, pull out a small piece of paper, and hold it towards her. It was a slip from the notepad they kept in the kitchen. Around and throughout the numbers and words that once meant something were the four letters, "A-N-N-A" written over and over in Katherine's handwriting; all capitals, all lower case, in cursive, in small block letters with a shadow scribbled underneath. Anna.

"I like 'Anna,'" Danny whispered.

"You do?"

He nodded and leaned forward. Her smile pressed back against his kiss and she whispered "Anna?" on his lips.

"Anna it is." He sealed it with a kiss.

❊❊❊

**Ella woke to see** her mother sitting in the visitor's chair, showered and dressed, holding the baby in her arms. Ella watched as her mother whispered and smiled with the baby before she noticed Ella was awake. _I'm giving away her granddaughter._ Ella had no doubt that if she had chosen to keep the baby, her parents would be doting grandparents, supportive and loving to her and the child.

Ella's mother looked up and smiled at her. "Good morning, sweetheart, how did you sleep?"

"Great," she lied.

"Good." Her mother looked back at the baby. "We're just sorting things out here, never mind us." Ella watched for a moment longer and then shuffled off to the bathroom. She was relieved that her private washroom had a shower so she didn't have to leave the room. She turned the shower on hot then winced as she peed. Aside from that, she was surprised to find she felt pretty good. The full-body ache she had felt the day before seemed to have dulled. The rain of hot water felt fantastic. She dawdled under the stream, taking her time to wash and rinse her hair and scrub her body with the pouf her mother had brought from home. She relished the rough scratching as she scrubbed her arms and legs. She could feel it. It was real. And her still-swollen middle. When will that go away?

After her shower, Ella dressed in clean sweats and a T-shirt. It was too painful to put on her bra so she hid in Charlie's large sweatshirt in spite of the impending July heat. The hospital was cool enough. Back in her room, her mother was feeding the baby a bottle of thick, bluish-white formula. As Ella pulled the sheets up to sit on the bed, her mother asked, "Do you want to feed her?" Ella shook her head. Somehow, even giving the baby a bottle crossed a line. Ella was grateful that her mother didn't push the matter, just turned her eyes back to the suckling infant. The door swung open and Dr. Wilson strolled into the room. "Good morning, Ella! I'm glad to see you up and about. How are you feeling this morning?"

"Much better, actually."

"Good to hear. Just keep taking those meds for a few more days, okay?" The doctor turned her attention to the bundle her mother was holding, leaning over to pull the blanket away from the baby's face. "How's the world's newest princess?" Dr. Wilson was looking at the baby and Ella thought she was asking her mother. When the question went unanswered, the doctor looked up at Ella sitting on the bed. "Ella. How's the baby doing?"

Ella shrugged, embarrassed that she didn't know. "I, uh, just got up and my Mom was feeding her..."

"She drank a couple ounces just now," her mother added. "The nurse said she had a good night."

The doctor smiled and glanced through the file she carried. "Looks like she ate well through the night and had several diaper changes ... oh good, there's a notation for urination. Looks like everything is working as it should." She put the file on the end of the bed and reached out for the baby, taking the wrapped bundle from Ella's mother. "Let's have a look at you, shall we?"

The doctor laid the baby on the bed and slowly unwrapped its blankets. Startled by the sudden liberty, the baby's arms and legs flailed out straight. Ella watched as Dr. Wilson touched the baby from head to toe. She pressed the stethoscope to the baby's tiny chest and listened intently, then flipped the baby over, balancing her on her forearm, tiny arms and legs hanging on either side. The doctor ran her fingers down the baby's spine and listened with the stethoscope again. Laying her down on her back, the doctor started to wrap her up again in the blankets. "Well, you're just perfect, aren't you, little one?" When the baby was sufficiently wrapped, Dr. Wilson handed her back to Ella's mother and turned to Ella on the bed. She motioned for Ella to stretch out. "Your turn."

With Ella lying on her back, Dr. Wilson gently probed her swollen, soft belly with her fingertips. "Good," she confirmed as she pulled Ella's shirt down to cover her midsection. "I think you're both doing wonderfully." She smiled at Ella and perched on the side of the bed. "How do you feel about going home today?"

Ella and her mother looked at each other. "Is she ready?" her mother asked first.

The doctor nodded. "Physically, they're both doing great. If this were a typical situation, they'd be discharged today." The doctor's comment was loaded. Ella had to look away. "However, it's my understanding that when you are discharged, the baby will be put into foster care. If you want to spend more time with her before that happens, I can keep you both here until tomorrow." Ella knew the doctor was looking at her for a response, but she couldn't meet her gaze.

"Ella? The doctor is speaking to you."

"It's okay," the doctor assured, squeezing Ella's foot. "Take some time to think about it. I have a few other patients to check on and I will come back in a bit." She stood with a departing wave and left the room.

"Ella? What do you think?"

Ella forced herself to look up at her mother's eyes and shrugged. "I don't know, Momma. I know I should want to stay another day to spend time with her but ... I just want to get it over with and go home."

"If that's what you want, then that's what we'll do."

"I'm sorry, Momma," Ella whispered.

"I know, sweetheart. I know you are." She moved to the bed and sat beside Ella, still cradling the baby in her arms. Ella didn't want to look at the child but found she couldn't help but stare at her sleeping face. "You have to find a way to stop berating yourself, though. You made a mistake, but from that came this beautiful baby. You have given her life and every chance at happiness and that is nothing to be sorry about. You have made choices for her out of love and respect. We couldn't have asked more of you."

"I didn't know it would hurt this much." Ella's voice was still a whisper. "I didn't mean to hurt everyone: you, Daddy, Ben, Charlie..."

"You can't take that on, Ella. You are not responsible for everyone's happiness. Your father and I could have made different decisions, but we had our own reasons. Of course Ben empathizes, that's who he is. Charlie doesn't have to be with you, he chooses to. We have all made the decisions we have because we love you."

Ella started to cry as her mother spoke, because she was starting to grasp why it hurt worse than she had expected. I didn't think I'd love the baby. All along she had seen the baby as a consequence; a problem to solve, an obstacle to overcome. But there she lay, not a problem or an obstacle, but a warm, breathing, beautiful baby she loved. Even though it hurt. "Can I hold her?" Ella's voice was barely audible but her mother heard and handed the bundle over. She wiped her eyes so the tears wouldn't fall on the child.

"My sweet girl." Her mother slipped an arm around her shoulders, squeezing her to her side. "You are doing the best that you can and you will get through this, I promise you." They sat for several moments, Ella leaning against her mother, holding her sleeping baby.

When the doctor returned, she stopped short inside the door and apologized for interrupting. "I was just coming back to see if you've decided anything about today?"

Ella nodded. "I want to go home."

"Alright then, I'll start the process. It will take some time to get the paperwork drawn up and contact the people at The Children's Heart. I suspect you'll be headed out sometime shortly after lunch."

"Okay," Ella whispered. For a moment the doctor laid her hand on Ella's shoulder then turned and left the room. "Guess we'd better pack," Ella sighed without looking up from the baby in her arms.

"You two sit tight while I call your father and let him know what's going on. Then I'll get started on packing this place up."

Ella didn't argue. Instead she settled back against the bed to sit and watch the little girl sleep in her arms.

A few hours later, Ella's father arrived with lunch and Ben and Charlie. By then, her mother had their belongings stashed away in Ella's duffel bag. They crammed into the small hospital room and ate their subs in quiet conversation.

Jessie arrived shortly afterwards. Ella looked up, startled to see her and another woman come in, carrying an infant car seat. Jessie was friendly but somber. "Ella, this is Margery, one of our foster moms. She's going to have custody of the baby for the next few days until she is placed with the adoptive parents." Ella tried to be friendly and smile at Margery, but she wasn't sure she pulled it off. She felt all eyes in the room on her. "I checked in at the nurses' station and they said the paperwork for your discharge is complete. I have a couple of things for you to sign, and then we'll be all set." The last words rang in Ella's ears. All set. It didn't fit. "All set" means ready for a road trip; ready for a day at the beach. It means the bill was paid and you can head out of the restaurant. Ella doubted she could ever be "all set" to walk out and leave her baby behind. Not mine, not mine.

Ella nodded but sat there, unsure of what to do next. Jessie dug through her messenger bag and laid a couple sheets of paper on the rolling table beside the bed. She put a pen on top and guided it towards Ella. Ella paused then shifted towards the documents. They were not new papers; Jessie had shown her the documentation when she explained the process. These papers allowed Margery, as the foster mother, to take the baby home from the hospital for the waiting period. My time to be sure. Ella held her breath and signed her name.

"Okay." Jessie smiled as she collected the papers and slipped them back into her bag. "I'm going to give you some time, Ella. You let me know when you're ready. Margery and I will wait in the family room across the hall." Ella nodded again, unable to speak. Margery set the car seat down on the floor and followed Jessie out of the room. The silence they left behind was crushing.

Ella sat on the bed with the baby in her lap. She couldn't speak. She couldn't breathe.

After a moment, her mother pushed through the heavy silence and touched her shoulder. She reached down and picked up the baby, holding her close. She nuzzled the baby and whispered in her ear then handed her to Ella's father. He smiled and stroked his big finger down the baby's tiny nose, then kissed the downy soft hair near her forehead. He brought the baby back to Ella.

"We'll give you a minute, alright?" her mother asked. Ella nodded, not trusting her voice, as her family shuffled out of the room.

Ella held the baby close and breathed in her scent. Her throat hurt from unreleased tears, but she had nothing monumental to say anyway. Instead, she concentrated on willing every wish she could think of onto the child. A lifetime of wishes.

A while passed before Jessie appeared at the doorway. "How are you doing, Ella? I can give you more time if you need it." Ella hesitated then forced her head to shake without looking up. The baby shifted and whimpered in her sleep. Jessie brought the car seat over and set it on the bed and stood still until Ella leaned towards her ever so slightly. Jessie reached into Ella's arms and lifted the baby up, laying her in the car seat. Ella watched as Jessie threaded the tiny arms through the belts, clipped the buckle and pulled the tether tight. Jessie's hand rested on Ella's shoulder but Ella couldn't look up. "I'll be in touch, Ella. Take care of yourself, okay?" Again, Ella nodded, eyes locked on the baby. When Jessie lifted the car seat and shifted it off the bed, Ella's eyes glazed, frozen on the space where the baby had been. She heard Jessie's shuffling feet move towards the door.

"Wait!" Ella whispered with barely a voice, but the shuffling didn't stop. "Wait!" she called again, gaining her voice and stalling Jessie's departure. "One second," Ella pleaded. Jessie nodded. Ella pushed herself off the bed and grabbed the duffle bag her mother had packed. She rummaged through the contents, shoving some aside, pulling others out and tossing them on the bed. In the corner, her fingers found the fur she sought. Clasping it, she pulled out the floppy-eared puppy.

With the dog in hand, she crossed the room to Jessie, who held the carrier from her elbow. Ella forced a smile at the baby and lifted her tiny hand. The baby's fingers spread in a startle then reflexively curled around Ella's thumb. Ella's smile grew genuine. With her free hand, she tucked the floppy-eared dog under the baby's arm.

"Does she have a name?"

Ella had whispered so softly she was almost surprised when Jessie answered.

"They're calling her Anna."

Ella let the name soak into her heart. She bent and kissed the hand that was wrapped around her thumb. "Goodbye, Anna," she whispered softly. And then Anna was gone.

❊❊❊

**Katherine arrived home first** and busied herself cleaning the kitchen and starting supper. She wanted something easy, since her heart wasn't in it. She found a couple of chicken pot pies and popped them in the oven. After starting the timer, she settled behind her computer at the kitchen island and surfed celebrity gossip sites trying to busy her mind. Two days remained, looming over her more daunting than the months before. She was on edge waiting for Carole to call with bad news. A thousand things could go wrong. Danny had called The Children's Heart twice and was told Anna was doing well, eating and gaining weight just as she should. Katherine heard Cooper's tail thump on the floor at her feet, announcing Danny's imminent arrival. She went out on the porch to watch him get out of the car. He smiled at her as he walked up the steps. "Hey you!"

"Hey yourself." He slipped his arms around her waist and planted a light kiss on her lips. "Mmm, it's good to be home."

Katherine smiled and led him into the house. They chatted as she put together a salad and took the pot pies out of the oven. "Want some wine?" she asked as he took the food to the table.

"I'm starved," he said when they were seated. "This looks great, Kat."

"Well, it took me all day, since I slaughtered the chicken this morning." She met his eyes and smiled.

"Hey, do you want to go shopping after supper?" he asked with his mouth full.

"For what?"

"We need to get some stuff, like bottles and diapers. We can't wait to get all of it. This time we'll leave the tags on and keep the receipts, just in case. And we'll only get the basics so we don't have to take much back."

"It's uh, at the office," she began.

"What?"

"I didn't ... take the stuff back or give it away. It's at work, in my office."

"What?" He asked again.

"I packed everything up. I was going to drop the boxes off but I couldn't so I took them to work."

"So I wouldn't know?" he asked.

"So you wouldn't have to see." Danny smiled, and she could see that he was back.

#  AUGUST

**Ella slept a lot** the three days after the baby was born. She hoped the adoption day would be the end of the worst, so she could start a new normal. She wanted time to pass, and it passed quicker while she slept. Other than what seemed like the menstrual period from hell, her body felt surprisingly good. Even her bulge had already shrunk a little, so she could almost believe it could go away completely if she worked hard enough.

Charlie came over in the evenings and watched movies or baseball with her and Ben. She tried to tell Charlie how she was feeling but was too confused to sort it out. She missed the baby that she had avoided in the hospital. She missed the movements that had been so unsettling—especially her hiccups. She missed holding her warm, sleeping weight. Charlie listened to her contradictions but had nothing to say. Instead, he hugged her when she cried.

When Ella was awake and alone, she cried. So she spent her time sleeping or shooting or sitting with the boys in front of the TV. She cried the hardest in the shower when she saw the proof of the baby in her stretched, loose belly. There she let the tears come for as long as they lasted instead of fighting them off, like she did anywhere else.

When she felt something brush her forehead Ella woke in the armchair, pulling herself out of a nonsensical dream. "Lass?" Charlie whispered. "Wake up."

Ella opened her eyes. They burned from spent tears. "Hey," she said. "Who let you in?"

Charlie flashed a lopsided grin. "Door was open." He raised his eyebrows in suggestion and bent at the waist to put a hand on each arm of the chair. He pressed his lips against her smile until she gave in and kissed him back. When he finally pulled back, they were both out of breath. "Hi," he murmured. She smiled too.

He stood and held a hand out to her, pulling her out of her seat when she took it. Stiff from sleeping in the chair, she winced and groaned, and though his face looked concerned he said, "Quit your whining, woman, and fix me something to eat! I'm hungry!" Charlie growled, emphasizing his demand with a swat on her butt.

"No, you didn't!" Ella turned around to glare at him, leading with her finger. "I'll fix you something."

Charlie pressed his mouth into a serious, straight line and stepped into her threatening finger. When she threw a punch he caught her wrist with his hand. With one move he swept her arm behind her back and stepped closer again so that she was trapped against him, his arms around her, holding one hand behind her back. "What were you saying?" he laughed. She relaxed against his chest, savouring his security. She slipped her free arm around his waist and added her second arm when he let go.

They stood still for several moments. Without the joking to hide behind, Ella found her eyes welling with tears again. "Ells?" Charlie tried to see her face, but she tightened her grip around him and buried her cheek against his chest. He rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head. When the tears subsided, she pulled back and looked up at him. "Better?" he asked.

She shook her head. "You still hungry, Caveman?" He nodded and let her lead him to the kitchen. She dug out the bread and made two peanut butter and jam sandwiches. She handed him one and bit into the second. They chewed in silence, leaning on opposite counters facing each other. She noticed he was studying her. "What?" she asked, wiping her face with a paper towel, expecting to find crumbs or stray peanut butter.

Charlie's eyes shifted as if making a decision. "You're pretty."

She rolled her eyes but grinned at him. "What were you really going to say?"

His laugh was nervous. "I guess that whole dating your best friend thing has a downside, huh?" Ella waited. "I was thinking about tomorrow."

Ella felt herself crumple inside. She had been ignoring tomorrow, focusing on surviving until the day after. She had an appointment to meet with Jessie and sign the papers in the morning. Sometime after that, Margery would bring Anna to the office. Ella would have a chance to spend some time with her and meet the adoptive parents if she wanted to. She had talked to her parents and even to Ben about meeting them, but she still didn't know if she could do it. What will it feel like to hand her over? Ella cursed as she felt her eyes moisten again and her throat close. She turned away from Charlie, but he stepped closer and put his arms around her from behind. "What do you want to do, Ella?"

"I don't know." She tried to swallow the tears. "I'm dying to see her. I'm terrified to see her. I don't think I can be there when..." She pushed her hands against her eyes and rubbed hard. "I just can't."

Charlie's voice wavered low by her ear, his tone uncertain. "You don't have to." Ella nodded, she knew it was her choice to be there or not. "No," he said strongly. He put his hands on her shoulders and surprised her by forcing her around to face him. "Ella, you don't have to do it. Any of it."

She narrowed her eyes and studied him. "What are you talking about?"

"I've thought a lot since—since she was born. If it's too hard, you don't have to. Give her up, I mean. Don't." Ella shook her head and started to turn from him. He gripped her shoulders and held her still. "Listen to me. Seriously. We could—you and me, together. I'll get a job. We could even get married if you want to. We could do it."

Ella stared at him, dumbfounded. She tried to process what the meaning of his jumbled words. Obviously I misunderstood. "Charlie..." She didn't know what else to say.

Charlie's eyes were intense, his whole body clenched, including his grip on her arms. "I know we can. If we need to, we can make it work," he said.

"But, she's not even yours. Everyone would think—"

Charlie was shaking his head even before he cut her off. "Doesn't matter what they think. She's yours. You're mine. She would be ours."

Ella's voice was small. "You'd do that? For me?" She saw his jaw set and his throat tighten in a swallow before he nodded. At a loss for words Ella kissed him instead, with a bruising force that silenced him and closed his eyes. When she pulled back he was the one who looked confused. "Charlie," she whispered, "I don't know what to say." She didn't miss the fear that fluttered in his eyes.

"Just think about it," he whispered. Then the weight of tomorrow was gone. She felt lighter and hopeful and strong.

❊❊❊

**The clock confirmed the** late hour, or early hour as it was. Katherine sighed with frustration. She felt Danny move beside her in the bed then he slipped his arm around her waist from behind. "Still awake?" he mumbled in her ear.

"I can't sleep. Can't shut my mind off."

He squeezed her tighter. "Me either," he whispered, though the lethargy in his voice betrayed him.

"Liar!" She turned to face Danny, who laboured to open his eyes. After a brief struggle, he settled for one eye open. "How can you sleep?"

"It's three in the morning," he explained. "You should get some sleep yourself." He smirked and closed his eye.

"Ass. What do you think about tomorrow?"

He opened his eye again. "I think it's going to be here too soon—especially if you keep talking to me."

"I can't help it, I'm nervous."

"I'd have never guessed." He winced when she swatted him on the arm then he opened both eyes. "Kat, tomorrow will be perfect."

She tried to smile. If he says things will work out then maybe they will. "You sure?" she asked just to hear him say it again.

"I'm sure. Tomorrow we'll be parents. We'll bring her home and she'll be ours." He laid a hand on the side of her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb. "Really." He leaned forward and kissed her. "Now leave me alone and go to sleep." Katherine smiled and turned back over, pushing her back and bottom against his warm front. With her eyes closed, she summoned the image of the raven-haired toddler bouncing around the office. She smiled slightly as she remembered the child taking M&M's from her hand and clambering up onto her lap. After a few minutes, the memory turned back into a dream.

❊❊❊

**The next day, Ella** woke with her stomach already churning. Charlie's words had ricocheted all night in her mind, chased by her hopes for basketball and university. Her father had said, "We wouldn't have it any other way," about the timing of her own conception. It could be true for her too, but at what cost?

Ella's mother had interrupted their conversation in the kitchen the night before. Ella had given Charlie a warning look to be quiet. He stayed for supper and a movie afterwards, but they didn't have more time to speak. Before he climbed into his car at the end of the night he whispered, "Call me in the morning," which meant so much more than it usually did. She nodded and kissed him goodnight.

As Ella lay in the dark that night, her conviction swung dangerously back and forth. She had spent months deciding not to keep the baby. Months. Months to realize it was better for the baby, for her, for everyone, if someone else raised her. But now just as she was about to actually do it Charlie was offering her another answer. She remembered trying to convince Sam in the coffee shop that they could manage. He obviously couldn't, but could Charlie? Was he the prince riding in with her happily ever after? Do those endings really exist? But as soon as she started to feel like maybe they could, Ella saw his eyes and something he hadn't quite hidden from her. Charlie was scared. But so am I. And his plan didn't include basketball or university for either of them. And he was accepted to Boston U. The arguments traded turns in her mind until she finally ran to the toilet and threw up her supper. On the unlikely place of the cool, tiled floor of the bathroom, with the moon slipping in through the window, she cried when she knew her answer.

It was early, but Ella was already showered and dressed and had forced herself to drink some tea, hoping it would settle her nerves. Her mother came into the kitchen. She looked drawn and upset as well, but she smiled warmly at Ella.

Ella reached for a bowl in the cupboard and filled it with Cheerios and milk. She took it to the table and sat, poking the O's under the milk to watch them bounce back up again.

"Ella?" She looked up and her mother smiled. "Did you decide what you want to do today?"

Ella frowned at her cereal for a moment and muttered, "Yeah." She felt a little guilty that her mother had no idea how loaded her question was or how indecisive her night had been. Where is Charlie?

Ella noticed her mother check her watch and knew she hated to be late. Ella wasn't in any hurry, though; they couldn't very well start without her. She sighed and walked to the counter to dump out her nearly untouched bowl of Cheerios, straining the milk down the sink then spooning the wet O's into the compost. She ignored her mother's stern look at the waste and was thankful she didn't say anything. Today of all days she should get a pass on reprimands. She headed upstairs to get ready.

Ella was braiding back her hair when Charlie knocked on her door and opened it. She loved the way he smiled at her. He stopped and stood in the doorway. "Come in."

Charlie looked at the stairway. "Nah, I'll wait downstairs."

Ella groaned and rolled her eyes, stepping across the room to grab his hand and pull him in. "I'm beyond reproach today, didn't you know? Nothing I can do is as bad as what I'm supposed to do today." Her laugh had an unfamiliar, bitter edge. "I'm just finishing my hair, what can Mom say?" She closed the door, but Charlie opened it again, looking pointedly at her. Ella shrugged and went back to fixing the braid that had fallen out.

"So?" he asked. "What are we going to do?"

Ella let her hair fall and turned to face him. "Charlie, I can't. We can't." His relief was obvious, which gave her the conviction to keep talking. "I'm sure we could make it work, but a baby deserves better than that. She deserves parents who want her desperately, not people who just don't want to give her away. I think there's a difference."

Charlie nodded and his voice broke. "You're right. She does."

Ella smiled and touched his face with her fingertips. "Thank you, though." He finally smiled.

From the kitchen, Ella's mother yelled a warning about being late. Charlie stepped back from her. "So, you okay?"

"Never better." Ella laughed bitterly then regretted her tone. "I'm sorry, Charlie, it's just..."

Charlie squeezed her hand. "No, Ells, it was a dumb question." Ella growled as the braid unwound again. "Here, lemme," Charlie said softly. He waved down to the empty desk chair and waited for her to sit. He spun the chair to face the mirror, grinned at her reflection and lifted her hairbrush from her desk. With long, slow strokes, he brushed the hair out straight down the back of the chair. Ella closed her eyes, enjoying the pricking and tugging at her scalp. "I, ah, don't know how to do this anymore," he said hoarsely. Ella met his eyes in the mirror, ready to laugh, but was surprised to see the look on his face. She stood and turned into his arms, kissing him soundly. After several moments, he pushed back with a sheepish smile. "This is not the kind of hair fixing your mother would approve of," he whispered with a laugh.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Ella grinned back but didn't step away.

"Ella!" her mother called up the stairs.

"I guess I should go," Ella whispered, but didn't let go.

"Want me to come?"

Ella stepped back, crossing her arms against a sudden chill. "Mom's probably right, the less people the better. I'll call you later when it's—when it's ... over."

"Ella!"

Charlie sighed and rubbed his hands on her upper arms. "You sure?"

Ella's answer caught in her throat. She swallowed it down and nodded then met his lips for a kiss before he turned and left. Ella turned to her closet. What is appropriate attire for giving away a baby?

An hour later, in a meeting room at The Children's Heart, Ella sat in an office chair between her mother and father, holding a pen. She signed where Jessie pointed after reminding her about each document.

A knock at the door startled her and she turned around to watch Jessie open the door. While she talked, Jessie turned back and looked at Ella with a sympathetic smile. "We're actually finished up here."

Ella's heart started to race. The tone of Jessie's voice pushed Ella's stomach up into her throat. Her mother covered her hand on the table and squeezed. Jessie shut the door and returned to say, "The baby is here. Whenever you're ready, you can visit with her for a bit before the adoptive family arrives. That is, if you want to." Ella nodded.

They followed Jessie from the meeting room to another small room, set up with chairs and a couch. On the couch was a car seat, empty, save the worn, floppy-eared puppy lying in it. Margery stood with her back to the door, holding the baby against her chest so that when Ella walked in she saw the baby's eyes over her shoulder. Ella felt the floor shift as the world ground to a halt.

Margery turned and smiled at Ella. Without a word, she crossed the room and laid the baby in Ella's arms. She's grown already. She was a little rounder in the cheeks, and her arms and legs weren't quite so scrawny. Her eyes were wide and bright, more aware and awake than she had been that first day. Anna squawked and shifted but didn't fuss. Ella's parents whispered, but she didn't hear their words, she was so focused on the bundle in her arms. After several moments, Ella's mother came near and asked to hold the baby; Ella handed her over reluctantly.

Ella watched her mother whisper to the baby, shushing her and kissing her nose. Her father stood close and hovered over the baby, rubbing her tiny hand between his finger and thumb. Ella didn't cry.

❊❊❊

**Carole instructed Danny and** Katherine to stay by a phone or carry a cell. The birth family had an appointment to sign papers, and the baby would be brought to the office sometime in the morning. Once the birth family had an opportunity to say goodbye, Carole would call to let them know it was time. She was still unsure as to whether or not the birth family wanted to meet with them. Katherine was sure Carole wouldn't call.

Danny wanted to stay home. He said he hated the thought of missing a call and was unreasonably convinced that that wouldn't happen if only they stayed by their landline. Katherine needed to get out. What if the call never came? Staying home all morning just waiting would drive her insane. Eventually, he relented and they ventured out to run errands with both phones charged and set on maximum volume. They were between stores when Katherine's phone rang in her hand. She jumped and fumbled clumsily to press the answer button on the Bluetooth speaker.

She opened her mouth but nothing came out. Danny grinned and said, "Hello?"

"Hi Danny, it's Carole. Are you with Katherine?"

"Yes, she's here. You're on speaker."

"Great. When you're available, it's time. There's no rush, but as soon as you're able to come to the office, we'll have the papers ready and the baby will be here for you to meet."

Danny pulled an illegal U-turn.

Carole was in the waiting area when Katherine and Danny arrived at the office. She ushered them into a meeting room and directed them through the paperwork and documents. Katherine signed on the line at the end of Carole's finger without reading or questioning and passed each paper to Danny. Her thoughts were going a mile a minute and her heart raced to keep up. She was struggling to believe she was actually sitting there anticipating meeting her baby. Her baby. Her ears strained to hear evidence of an infant in the offices, but they were met only with roaring typical office sounds of humming lights and clunking machines. They were so close, moments and meters away, but time crawled and each step seemed insurmountable.

Katherine ached.

❊❊❊

**In the warped way** that time can bend and twist, it seemed both like moments and a lifetime had passed when Jessie reappeared at the door. "Ella? The adoptive parents have signed the papers. They're waiting to meet her when you're ready." Ella felt her parents' eyes on her as she took in the information and felt the repercussions of it beat on her heart.

"Did you want to meet them?" No one knew her answer, not even Ella herself. She fought the instinct to look to her mother and took a deep breath, nodding just slightly. Jessie smiled in response. "I'll give you a few minutes with the baby, and you come out when you're ready. We'll go down to meet them together?"

As Jessie left the room, Ella's mother walked over. Her eyes glistened. "Ella, you need to say goodbye on your own." She patted the baby's soft, round bottom and turned, holding her hand to her mouth. Her father followed, his hand on his wife's shoulder. And just like that, she was alone with the baby.

Ella didn't cry.

"Hey, baby girl," she whispered to the deep blue eyes. She thought she'd feel foolish, but she just didn't know what to say. "We're going to go meet some people who are really going to love you." Ella moved to the chair, where she could lay the baby down on her knees "You're going to have to be a brave, good girl, okay?" Her voice cracked, but she didn't cry. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry we have to say goodbye like this." She swallowed hard and her throat was tight. "I hope someday you'll understand why..." Serious dark eyes watched her. The baby's small mouth made a round oh shape and she cooed softly. Ella smiled in spite of herself. "I hope you like it there. They seem really nice and they have a dog. I bet you'll love dogs." The baby's arms flailed as she startled herself. Ella grinned and put her thumbs on the baby's palms, enjoying the baby's grip. As if comforted by being stable, the baby grew still and stared back at Ella. "I wish you could understand what I'm saying. I wish you could know how many people love you." Ella took a deep breath and held it for a moment. As she breathed out her strength, she whispered, "I wish you knew I love you."

❊❊❊

**They had just finished** the paperwork when a knock fell on the door. A woman stepped in and smiled at Katherine and Danny. "The birth family would like to meet you. The papers are signed and they'll be ready in just a few minutes." Katherine realized she was gripping her hands tightly into fists. She forced them open and tried to relax her face.

"Thanks, Jessie, we're just about done here too. I think we're ready?" Carole looked from Katherine to Danny for confirmation. Danny nodded and squeezed Katherine's hand under the table.

"Great. I'll be back in a little bit, then." Jessie backed out of the doorway, pulling the door closed behind her.

Katherine sat silent while Danny rewarded Carole's attempts at small talk with friendly chitchat. Katherine was too anxious to focus on anything other than the defining moment drawing near, and too nervous to talk about the moment itself. Instead, she sat trying to appear patient while straining to hear the first indication of movement in the hall. When she heard shuffling and inaudible mumbling from the other side of the closed door, her chest tightened and her hand clenched around Danny's fingers.

"Ouch!" He laughed.

"Just a few more minutes, Katherine," Carole said. Katherine forced a smile at both of them but returned to her brooding.

Time stopped.

❊❊❊

**Ella sat silently with** the baby until she could convince herself to move. She gingerly raised the baby from her lap and cradled her in her arm. Jessie was waiting in the hall as promised. Ella moved to pass the baby to her, but Jessie took a step back, saying, "You can take her in if you'd like." Ella hadn't realized how much she wanted to do just that until that moment.

She followed Jessie down the hall to another office. Her parents were waiting for her outside the door. Their faces were drawn and pale; her mother's eyes were rimmed red, but dry. Her father looked pinched. His attempt at smiling when their eyes met failed miserably.

Before Ella was ready, Jessie pushed open the door and ushered them into the room. She had no choice but to enter, since her parents and Jessie were all coming in behind her. The room was larger than the one they'd just left, but cluttered with a meeting table and several chairs. At the far end of the table, a couple rose from their chairs so abruptly that the man's chair fell backwards with a crash. The noise startled the baby, who shot out her arms and legs. Ella shushed and swayed her in response.

The woman was smaller than Ella. She was casually dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, her curly blonde hair pulled half up and falling past her shoulders. She was staring at the baby Ella held, leaning towards them as if physically restrained from stepping forward. Ella's eyes were fixed on her.

Jessie came from behind, putting her hand on Ella's shoulder. "Ella, this is Katherine and Danny Frayne."

Katherine pulled her eyes up from the baby and met Ella's whispered "Hi." Danny smiled widely and stepped around his wife, his hand out. Taken aback, Ella shifted the weight of the baby to free her right hand and awkwardly took his.

"Katherine and Danny, this is Ella." Jessie stepped back away from Ella, half turning to Ella's family behind her. "And Jane and Doug, Ella's parents." As Carole introduced them, Ella felt Katherine inch closer. She saw Katherine toss a quick glance past her to her family and give a brief smile, but then her attention returned the baby.

Katherine felt Danny's arm slide around her waist when she stepped beside him. When she got close enough to see the baby's full face, she gasped. There she was. And somehow, right then, she knew the baby was hers. She was awake, her deep blue eyes staring up at Ella's young face. Her hair was wispy and dark. Her bare arms were round and her skin glowed with health. Her chicken legs curled up against themselves. Katherine had never seen a more beautiful being. One sock had shifted off the baby's heel and threatened to fall off. Without thinking, Katherine reached to pull the sock back on.

Ella watched Katherine study the baby, a little jealous, but more relieved to see the look of adoration in her eyes. For the first time she started to feel confident in her choice. Katherine reached towards the baby's foot and Ella noticed the sock had shimmied down. She shifted the baby to give Katherine better access to fix it. With the sock back in place, their eyes met over the bundle.

Katherine was lost for words. She wished she had the means to let Ella know how brave she was. And how grateful she was for her choice to let the baby live and thrive in spite of her own sacrifice and pain. Katherine wished she had a way to show how indebted she felt to her, how she'd never be able to find a balance in which they were equals, one where she didn't owe Ella everything she had to give. There were no words, so she willed her thoughts through her concentrated gaze.

Ella realized right then that there had never been another choice. This was all there ever was. They were all exactly where they were meant to be. She was severing part of herself so that the baby could thrive, but so that she herself could thrive as well. She wanted Katherine to know she trusted her to be and to do everything she couldn't. She inched forward and lifted her arms in invitation.

Katherine mirrored Ella's motion, stepping forward and lifting her arms so that the baby shifted from one to the other.

Ella's arms felt empty and light. She folded them across her chest and squeezed to replace the pressure. With the baby moved out of her arms, she felt a weight lift off her shoulders and a pressure release from her chest.

The weight was full in Katherine's arms. And right. Anna turned and gazed at her, but her face blurred behind Katherine's tears. "Hi, little one!" she cooed.

Ella didn't cry.

Suddenly Ella felt intrusive, too close to this new family. She took a step back against her mother, who slipped her arms around her. Katherine looked up from the baby to smile at her and touched her arm. "Thank you," she whispered.

Ella tried to keep smiling. She nodded at Katherine and looked back at the baby. She took a deep breath and blew it out through her lips. She needed to leave. "I'm ready, Momma," she whispered. Her mother nodded and let her go. Ella's hand reached out and hovered before she brushed Anna's hand with one finger. "Remember, be good," she whispered. Then she turned on her heel and walked out of the room, refusing to look back.

Ella still didn't cry.

She kept walking until she was out of the office and standing beside the car, yanking over and over on the locked handle. When the locks clicked open, she pulled the door open to dive into the backseat, slamming it closed behind her. She slouched down in the seat, pulling her legs to her chest and burying her face in her arms folded around her knees. Her throat hurt from holding back the tears, but her breath came easy for what seemed like the first time in months.

Finally, she cried.

They drove home in silence. Ella climbed the stairs to her bedroom and changed back into her discarded pyjamas. She slipped into bed, pulling the sheet over her head against the summer afternoon sun. As far as she was concerned, the day was over.

**Katherine stood for a** long moment watching after Ella. Her emotions were a confusing tangle. Her elation was bundled in the warm weight in her arms, but her heart was breaking for the young girl who had fled the room. There had been no way for Katherine to prepare for the devastation she had just witnessed. She finally understood how her joy was born from someone else's pain. She winced and inwardly vowed never to take that for granted.

Danny touched her shoulder, drawing her out of her thoughts. "Kat? You okay?"

She nodded, blinking back her tears. "That poor girl," she whispered. She saw him swallow hard and nod once in agreement.

Jessie stepped forward with a soft smile. "Ella has a lot of support. Her parents are great and she has some very close friends. She'll get through this."

"We're done here now," added Carole. "You two are free to leave whenever you are comfortable."

"That's it?" Danny asked. Katherine restrained from snorting in response. After all the hoops they'd jumped through to reach this point, his words seemed a little ridiculous. She might have shouted Finally! had she thought Jessie and Carole wouldn't consider it rude.

"That's it!" Carole and Jessie said in unison with a laugh. Carole continued, "Let us check your car seat once you've got her strapped in, but other than that, she's all yours." Katherine grinned at Danny, relishing in the sound of those words. She noticed Danny's eyes flash with emotion and saw him set his jaw under his pressed smile. All ours flickered unspoken between them. He put the car seat on the table and held it steady while she settled Anna into it. Danny collected their bags and papers as she placed the straps and Carole checked and tightened the harness. Within moments they were ready to go.

Katherine looked at Carole and Jessie. Again she was at a loss for words. Danny stepped past her with his hand held out, holding theirs a moment. "Thank you both, very much," he said, his voice hoarse.

Both women smiled and Carole responded, "You're more than welcome. Congratulations. We're here if you need anything." They led Katherine, Danny and Anna out to the doors, and with a final wave Katherine and Danny left them standing in the waiting room.

Once alone in the car they both let out a deep breath. "We've got her!" Danny whispered, turning to look at the car seat secured in the back. He looked back at Katherine and smiled. "Where to, Mommy?"

She laughed giddily. "Let's go home, Daddy."

❊❊❊

**The next day Ella** woke up to the sun streaming through her window. She lay in bed, trying to assess her status before moving. It was like after being knocked down on the court: she'd lie still, in shock, trying to catch the breath that had been knocked out of her, and determine if she was really hurt or just stunned. She was still sad—terribly sad—when she thought of the baby who was now named Anna. She could still feel the void. But she was also relieved. As she lay in the warm light she could take a deep breath. She could smile almost without guilt. She didn't feel trapped anymore. It was like the door to the cage that confined her for so many months had blown open, letting in the light and finally letting her out. For the first time in a long time, she felt she could step forward. Determined to do just that, she clambered out of bed and headed for the shower.

Twenty minutes later, dressed in gym clothes, Ella bounded down the stairs and into the kitchen, where Ben and Charlie sat at the table. "Hey!" she greeted them with a smile. "What are you doing here?" she scoffed at Charlie.

"Hmph. Good morning to you too."

"How're you doing?" Ben asked.

Ella looked back at her brother from the cupboard, where she was reaching for a bowl. She forced a weak smile. "I'm actually good. Not great, but if I don't think about it, I'm good. Hey, wanna go to the gym? I am dying to do some real playing. The driveway's just not going to cut it today."

Charlie smiled and nodded but Ben looked worried. "You sure you're up for that?"

Ella shrugged, pouring milk over her Cheerios. "We'll see, won't we? Maybe you're not up for it!" She picked up the cordless phone and handed it to Charlie. "Call Alex and wake her up. It's Saturday, she should be able to come."

"Yes ma'am!" Charlie grinned and dialled the number from memory. Ella listened to his side of the conversation as he apologized several times for the early wake-up, blamed Ella and persuaded Alex to join them. When he hung up he said, "We can pick her up in a half hour."

"I'd better get dressed then," Ben said, standing from the table and taking his dishes to the sink. Ella smiled at him as he headed up the stairs, leaving her with Charlie.

"Lass?"

Ella shook her head and pushed her lips back into a smile. "I'm trying, Charlie, I'm really trying." He nodded and kissed her temple as she stirred the cereal in her bowl. "It's over now, she's gone and I'm free to get on with my life, just like I wanted." She looked up at him abruptly. "I just never thought it would be so hard to figure out how."

Charlie shrugged. "We'll figure it out together, 'kay?"

Ella sighed and gave him a small but genuine grin. "I'd like that."

❊❊❊

**Katherine was amazed at** how quickly the baby took over. The house was littered with receiving blankets, baby toys and dirty bottles that were put down for a moment and never retrieved. The familiar schedule of work then dinner then enjoying a movie or a game before bed was tossed out the window. They hadn't shared a hot meal in days. Their eyes were sunken and their minds were fuzzy from lack of sleep. Even Cooper would stand up and circle his bed, resettling with a heavy sigh when the wailing started in the early hours. The tiny being wreaked havoc on every aspect of their lives and had undone every expectation. It was perfect.

The first month was tough. Katherine and Danny struggled to find patterns between Anna's behaviour and the notes given to them by the foster mother, hoping to glean insight into what their new baby wanted when she wailed inconsolably. They struggled to manage the regular tasks of housekeeping and cooking on Anna's demanding schedule. One afternoon, when it all became too much, Katherine hid in her closet to cry. She was so embarrassed when Danny found her that it had taken him a full half hour to get her to admit her feelings of inadequacy. He broke out laughing and she had been ready to hit him until he calmed down enough to whisper, "Me too." She had never felt more like a team with him than in that moment when they laughed in her closet, hiding from their infant daughter and the rest of the world.

Exhausted, they painted on perky smiles for the barrage of family and friends who invaded their home for a glimpse of the baby. Katherine hated giving Anna up, but allowed others to hold her for short periods so as not to be rude. She always found a reason to reclaim her before too long, though, and found her heart beat much more evenly when her daughter was cradled in her arms. From the moment each grandparent entered the room and laid eyes on their granddaughter, Katherine could tell they were already prepared to move heaven and earth for Anna. She was more than a little worried about her daughter becoming utterly spoiled.

When Carole came by for her two-week follow-up visit, Katherine was terrified she'd see how poorly she and Danny were coping. The truth was they were exhausted and worn, beaten down and unsure, running ragged on processed junk food and demoralized by inadequate sleep and exercise. And they were deliriously happy and head over heels in love. Carole smiled with empathy and nodded with approval, wishing them well and congratulating them again. Closing the door after her visit, Danny grinned at Katherine and she smiled back. She knew then that they were doing just fine.

❊❊❊

**Ella woke up early** on the Friday morning that her parents were leaving to take Ben to school. They had asked her come but she chose to stay home and continue to work on her training. Ella didn't want to say goodbye anywhere but home. She knew her mother was annoyed, but Ben assured her he didn't mind.

Ella sat at the kitchen table watching as her father and brother carried his bags out to the car. A lot of bags. She stood on the step as they argued over the best way to pack the trunk. When the car was loaded down, her mother gave her a quick hug and made her promise, for the hundredth time, to be careful. Ella checked her rebuttal. Still earning it back. I can't wait till they trust me again. Her father was grumpy about their late start and hurried them along, pausing to give Ella a hug and to remind her to empty the dehumidifier in the basement before it overflowed. Her parents got into the car, leaving their children standing on the step, looking at each other's feet.

"You'd better go before Dad blows a gasket," Ella finally suggested.

"Yeah," Ben agreed without moving. Ella shifted on her feet, waiting. Finally Ben stepped forward and hugged her. "Take care, sis," he whispered. After a moment that felt like a lifetime, and yet not long enough, he let go, turned without looking at her and stalked to the car.

"Ben?" she called out before she lost her nerve.

He turned. "Mm?"

"I'm really going to miss you, you know. Like, a lot." Ella wiped at her face.

Ben looked at her for a long moment, smiling with his eyes. "I'll miss you too, sis." His grin widened. "Like, a lot." Ben climbed in the car and swung the door closed behind him. As her family pulled out, Ella waved. Her parents waved back, but Ben kept his head down in the back seat, his ball cap pulled down over his face. She couldn't help but feel like another part of her had been pulled away.

Tears blurring her vision, Ella stumbled back into the house and locked the door. She hustled up the steps into her bedroom and wilted onto the bed. Ignoring the early hour, she retrieved her phone from the bedside table and dialled Charlie's number. He answered after three rings, his voice heavy with sleep. "Hello?"

"Hey." Her voice caught.

"Hey, Lass. Are they gone?" Unable to speak, she nodded and somehow he seemed to know. "How you doing?"

"Okay," she lied.

"And Ben?" His voice was getting stronger. The sheets rustled in the background as he shifted position in the bed. She shrugged and in her silence he sighed. "That good, eh? Want me to come over?"

She knew she should say no. It wasn't fair to get him out of bed so early, but she couldn't stand to be alone. "Yes, please."

"Alright, I'm up," Charlie complained with a laugh. "But you had better make it worth it. I'll be there in a half hour and you're taking me to breakfast." She smiled in spite of herself.

"I'll be ready." She hung up and headed for the shower.

Ella handed her menu to the waitress after placing her order. The waitress folded the menus together and left with a smile. Charlie reached across the table to put his hand over Ella's. She looked up to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry I got you up so early." She had apologized several times already.

"I was up," he laughed.

"Yeah, sounded like it." They sat silently for a moment before she looked away. "It's going to be strange without Ben around."

He nodded and she noticed his face shift for a moment before he pulled his lips back in a lopsided grin. "Yeah, it will." She had been so caught up in her own loneliness that she had forgotten Charlie was losing him too.

"Do you wish you were going with him to Chicago?"

"No, Chicago was his deal. I wanted to stay closer to home." He played with her fingers in his hand. "I like having the chance to come home for the weekend sometimes." He looked up from under his brows at her and smiled.

"I like that idea too."

"You'll have to come up and visit me some weekends too."

Ella shrugged and pulled her hand back to lean back in her seat. "I doubt that would go over well with my parents. I don't think they trust me so much anymore."

"Sure they do. And if they don't trust you, they do trust me."

She narrowed her eyes. "I wouldn't be too sure." She laughed as he tried to look hurt. "Besides, are you sure you want some high school kid tagging along after you?" She meant it as a joke but winced when her voice betrayed her insecurity.

He frowned at her. "Really?" he asked, challenging her with his eyes. His voice carried a sarcastic, biting tone that was unfamiliar.

She felt her face warm and looked down at her hands, fidgeting with her fork on the table. "Well, you said it yourself: high school relationships don't last forever. You'll be there with all those university girls. Who knows what you'll want once you get there."

When he didn't say anything she glanced up again. He was still staring at her, his eyes daring her to say more. "Really?" he asked again. He's pissed. Guilt mingled with her anxiety. She didn't know what to say and looked away again. "Ella." His tone forced her to look up. "After everything, I don't think we have a regular high school relationship." Anger dripped from his words.

She felt sick. "I just don't want you to think you're stuck with me. I mean ... I'm okay now. I'll be okay. You don't have to..."

His eyes hardened and he crossed his arms. "You think that's why I'm here? Because I feel sorry for you?" With nothing to say she simply shrugged. "Well, that's stupid!" he spat. His eyes stayed on her as the waitress arrived at their table with two plates of hot food. Ella welcomed the distraction as they picked up utensils and added condiments to their plates. As she cut her pancakes she chanced a look. Charlie was spreading peanut butter on his toast with wide, fast swipes until the bread split under his knife. Her stomach churned hot with guilt and her eyes welled. She blinked furiously and turned her attention back to her breakfast. The sweet, starchy dough stuck to her throat. She forced it down.

They sat in angry silence for several minutes but Ella didn't eat much. Each bite was harder to swallow. She wanted to look up at him but was scared that seeing his angry face would bring on tears. She had had enough crying.

"Not hungry?" he finally asked in a slightly gentler voice. Without looking up, Ella shook her head. "Wanna get out of here?" She nodded. Within moments Charlie had called over the waitress and paid the bill. He stood by the table waiting as Ella pushed out of the booth. She was surprised when he reached for her hand but took his and held on tightly as they walked to the car. Charlie put the key in the ignition. "Where to?" he asked, his voice even.

She shrugged again, not sure what she wanted to do. She wanted to talk to him and work things out but didn't know how or where or if he even wanted to talk to her. "Want to go to the gym?"

"Sure." His voice was sharp but she sighed with relief just the same. "I have my bag, but you need your clothes, right?" She nodded and he backed out of the spot and turned towards Ella's house. The silence in the car was as uncomfortable as it had been the restaurant. At home, Ella hurried to change into her gym clothes. She pulled a hair tie over her wrist and jogged back out to his waiting car. Charlie looked up and smiled when she sat down, but it was feeble and didn't reach his eyes.

"Are you still angry?" she chanced.

His smile fell and he looked away as he started the car. "Ask me later."

At the gym they found a net in the corner. They shot around with one ball, taking turns rebounding and shooting until Ella couldn't stand the silence any longer. As Charlie tried to rebound a missed shot, she stepped in front of him and boxed him out, grabbing the ball. Unprepared for her move, Charlie lost his balance and stepped back as Ella's shot fell through the net. "One, nothing," she said as she passed him the ball and stepped to the foul line.

Charlie stood in front of her and threw a straight pass right to her hands. "One, nothing."

Ella smiled but Charlie didn't smile back. She drove to the basket. He backed up a couple of steps but stopped short and took her charge. She hadn't expected him to stop and stand in strong; she hit him hard and bounced off him but managed to stay on her feet. Instead of steadying her, he turned away, retrieved the ball and took it to the top of the key. "One, nothing," he repeated, passing her the ball to check.

Game on.

Ella passed Charlie the ball and moved into his space, trying to make herself as big as possible. He dribbled the ball by his side, turning back and forth looking to catch her a step behind. Years of playing together gave her an advantage on defence; she anticipated his moves and stayed ahead of him. He stepped forward and rolled back. She spun right, expecting him to come back on the other side but he stepped back a half step instead. That was all he needed to drive to the basket and lay the ball into the net. He passed it to her and jogged to the top of the key.

"One, one."

They played until the score was well in Charlie's favour, by which point they were both sweaty, bruised and breathing hard. "Game point," he said, taking the ball. Winded, Ella stayed back a step to keep him in front of her. He drove straight for the basket and she backed up, hands low, trying to make contact with the ball. As they neared the basket she stopped short, anticipating his charge and standing strong. At the last minute she closed her eyes against his hit. Instead, Charlie pulled up a half step early and she heard it swish through the net. "Game," he said when she opened her eyes.

Ella wasn't sure how to respond. She put her hand out and said, "Good game," with an apologetic smile. After a beat he took her hand. Once he closed his grip, he tugged, pulling her forward. She fell against him, looking up in surprise as he bent and kissed her. When he stepped back she was afraid to smile. "Still angry?"

"No." He finally smiled. "But if you underestimate me again I won't let you off that easily."

She relaxed at last, rubbing her elbow, which was red with floor burn. "I'll keep that in mind."

He turned her wrist, looked at the mark on her elbow and winced. "Sorry 'bout that." The bitterness was gone from his voice, leaving it sheepish and familiar.

She shrugged. "I'll live. It was a good game but I've had enough I think. Let's find something else to do." Charlie smiled and kissed her forehead. She took his hand and followed him out of the gym.

**The night before Charlie** left for Boston he offered to take Ella out to dinner, but she wanted to stay in and hide from the reality of the next day. So instead of sitting in a noisy restaurant, she was stretched out on the couch against Charlie's side, watching _Sleepless in Seattle_.

He sighed. "I can't believe you talked me into this movie." She smiled against his chest. "What are you going to do tomorrow?"

"We aren't talking about tomorrow."

"We're not talking about what I'm doing. I asked what you're doing. You could come with us to drop me off if you want."

"See? Now we are talking about your tomorrow." She punched him lightly in the gut.

"Right, sorry. But you can." There was a hopeful tone in his voice.

"I'm not good with goodbyes, remember?" She turned and planted her chin on his chest, looking up. "Besides, how would I justify going to see you off when I wouldn't go to take Ben?"

"So what are you going to do?"

"Probably lie in bed and cry all day, start a hunger strike and wither away to nothing."

Charlie snickered and brushed a hand through her hair. "Sounds great. Too bad I have to miss it, you know, moving away and all." She socked him again.

"Alex has the day planned out. She's picking me up at ten."

"Even better," Charlie smiled. He held her eyes, his fingers tangling in her ponytail. "Kiss me," he whispered.

Ella shimmied up so that she could meet him nose to nose and pressed his lips softly with hers. She loved watching him close his eyes. When she pulled back she asked, "What now?"

He gave her a lopsided grin. "Kiss me again." So she did. The gentle kiss deepened until she had to come up for air. Charlie smiled at her with half-closed eyes and rubbed-red lips. "Mmm, maybe I should move away more often?"

"Shut up." Ella grimaced and kissed him again. She kissed him as if it was her last chance, as if it would keep him home. And for a moment, time stopped. She felt his hands wander from her arms and shoulders around her back and down. They had kissed before, of course, but self-conscious about her pregnancy, Ella had pulled away any time his hands strayed. Eventually he would stop before she had to pull away, which made it easier but also made her sad. She encouraged his wandering hands by kissing him harder and moving her own hands up under his T-shirt. When his hand slipped under her shirt to her breast, she smiled through the kiss and felt his lips smile in return. She opened her eyes long enough to meet his, enjoying the shine she saw. His kiss moved from her lips to her chin and down her neck, his hand moved on the button of her jeans. In one deft move, Ella pushed his hand from her waist, shifted off his chest and sat up. He pulled himself to sit up and slipped his arms around her, his hands safely away from everything she wanted him to touch. He rested his chin on her shoulder, buried his face in her hair by her ear as his breath slowed. "We gotta stop," she whispered, and felt him nod.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, the doc gave me a 'script for birth control."

"That's ... uh ... good, but not what I meant."

Ella asked, "Do you want to?" She was scared of his answer.

"Do I? Well, I mean ... um, yeah." He laughed and pulled back from his embrace to look at her, his eyes stormy and uncertain. He laid his hand on the side of her face, tipped it up to meet his lips and pulled back with a sad smile and heavy sigh.

"Me too," Ella said, her voice small. "But we shouldn't do it because you're leaving tomorrow."

"No," Charlie agreed. He found her hand and watched as he tangled their fingers.

"I love you, Charlie ... I wish I could..."

"I know, Lass. I love you too. I know it sucks I'm going away, but I really think we have a shot at this. I don't want to do anything stupid to mess it up."

"I don't want you to go," she whispered.

"Hey, with texts and phone calls and Facebook we'll be sick of each other by Thanksgiving."

"Probably." Ella laughed.

They watched the end of the movie and Charlie didn't even complain when Tom and Meg finally met at the Empire State Building. When it was over, he walked Ella out to her car. She wished she had agreed when he offered to pick her up, so he could drive her home. Before she opened the car door she hugged him tightly, trying not to cry. "Call me before you leave." She didn't care if she sounded pathetic.

She felt him take a breath and let out a sigh. "Yeah, I will."

Ella let go and climbed into the car, started the engine and rolled down her window. "Miss me, okay?"

Charlie rested his hands on her open window and leaned in to kiss her once more. "Yeah, I will." She backed out of the driveway, blinking so that the tears didn't blur her vision. She knew he was waving but she couldn't stand to look back.

#  EPILOGUE

**Ella glanced around her** dorm room at the suitcases that were unpacked but not yet stowed away. The top of the desk was covered with a clutter of things waiting to be sorted into permanent places. She picked up the framed picture of a curly, raven-haired toddler that had been half buried in a pile of papers and books. The child was watching something past the camera, her eyes pensive. It was Ella's favourite of the pictures Katherine had sent her. The updates had been regular enough that Ella could plot her senior year against Anna's development.

Anna was smiling by the time Ella returned to school, and by the time Anna was rolling over Ella had been approached by scouts from several universities. She had planned to follow Charlie to Boston University, but Florida State had offered her a generous scholarship. A Division One team, states away from Charlie. She spent weeks agonizing over her choice until she finally told Charlie she had to go. He'd agreed.

Anna was crawling before the snow melted and learned to walk just before Ella's prom. Ella found the perfect dress that made her feel like a princess in a fairy tale. She sent Katherine a picture of her and Charlie all dressed up. Katherine said she had framed it for Anna's room.

On the final day of classes, it was hardest to say goodbye to Coach. She stopped by his office last, where he stood over his desk and turned when she came in, a smile ready on his face. But she suddenly had nothing to say. He gave her a hug and whispered, "You did good, kid."

The night of July 27, she received an email with a picture of the birthday girl, her smile bright and her face covered in chocolate cake and pink icing. Ella cried. But even as she cried she felt relieved. The baby was thriving and Ella was moving on, her life wide open and waiting.

She smiled at the picture in her hands and touched the little girl's errant curl with her finger. She set the picture down on the shelf by her bed where she could see it at night. Beside it she put the picture of her and Charlie from her prom and a picture taken that summer at the park of Charlie, Ben, herself and Alex laughing with their arms around each other's shoulders. They were moving on. As exciting as it was, it hurt a little too. Okay, more than a little. Under the photos she found her playbook binder. She flipped through the wrinkled sheets and smoothed one folded corner. Thinking back to that September day, Ella marvelled that she had ever been that naïve girl. She had loved and hurt, failed and grown. She had been lost without knowing which way was up, but she had fought to push forward and make her shot count. And she'd made it through. She closed the binder and rested her hand on top, happy to have its familiar reference close by. Some of the plays were common enough they'd be used again, but those were the ones she already knew by heart. There would be new sheets to add. She didn't need hindsight to see this as her beginning.

###

#  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

**For me, writing means** holing up at my desk and shutting out the world (except for my cats and dog), which would seem like a solitary activity, but it's not. There are several people whose participation was essential to the process of turning my hobby of solitude into _Game Plan_.

I am thankful Game Plan brought new characters into my life, outside of the ones I wrote: The Zookeeper, Sybil, SW, Twins from Toronto and my West Coast Friend.

I need to thank my early readers. Melissa was the only person I dared tell, "I'm writing a book" for fear 'they' would find out if I never finished it. She read Game Plan bit by bit as I sent her each day's work. And Jilly, who believed in it more than I did and told me it was worthy when I wasn't convinced. I tricked my bookclub into participating by narcissistically offering up my own manuscript as my selection. Thanks for indulging me, and for your invaluable feedback.

My thanks to the geniuses who helped turn Game Plan into the real thing: Colleen McKie and Kimberly Walsh for recognizing its potential and guiding me through the process of growing Game Plan into something much better than I could imagine it being on my own. And for answering all my first timer questions and concerns without laughing where I could see. Whitney Moran for asking all the right questions I didn't realize were there and offering up some answers too.

My parents believed in me during this endeavour and every one before it. I'm sorry Ella's mom is meaner than you wanted and no one said 'Get down and jock up', but thank you for your suggestions.

My favourite husband, Steve, who did more than his share of the dishes and Munster wrangling while I was lost in the book. Jack, Elliot, Paxten and AnnaWen who need to see that with hard work and commitment you can fulfill a dream.

#  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

**Natalie Corbett Sampson lives** in Hatchet Lake, Nova Scotia with her husband, four school-aged Munsters and a menagerie of pets. Her day job is a speech-language pathologist where she loves helping children improve their ability to communicate with the world around them. When she's not working, writing or sitting in a hockey rink Natalie loves reading, photography and drawing.

You can find Natalie online here:

email: NCS@NatalieCorbettSampson.com

web: NatalieCorbettSampson.com

Twitter: @Nsampson17

Facebook: facebook.com/NatalieCorbettSampson

GoodReads:  Goodreads.com

# Also by Natalie Corbett Sampson:

Aptitude (Fierce Ink Books, 2015)

"Akin to the haunting subtleties of Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale and Lowry's The Giver, Natalie Corbett Sampson delivers in Aptitude a richly-imagined dystopian world, which seems scarily all too plausible."

— Jo Treggiari, author of Ashes, Ashes

It Should Have Been a #GoodDay (Clubhouse Press, 2016)

" _With an authentic tone grounded in gritty realism, It Should Have Been a #GoodDay shies away from morbid voyeurism and instead invites readers to consider the negative consequences of being labelled, and if any of us have the right to judge each other."_

— Bethany Myers, author of Butterflies Don't Lie, Girl on the Run and ASP of Ascension.

Take These Broken Wings (Clubhouse Press, 2017)

Look for a new novel about loss and love and figuring things out. Coming in February of 2017
