 
# Handling Boys

Susanna Godoy Lohse

## Advice, with a historical perspective, on how to earnthe respect and admiration of boys with the power of your own femininity, modesty, and virtue

## Copyright 2013

## Published by LibertyBelle Publishing, Inc. on Smashwords

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

 Copyright

LibertyBelle Publishing, Inc., 218 Quinlan St. #212, Kerrville, Texas 78028, www.libertybellepublishing.com, info@libertybellepublishing.com

All rights reserved., No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the publisher's permission.

Text copyright ©2010 by Susanna G. Lohse, Cover Design copyright © 2010 by Susanna G. Lohse

Handling Boys. First Edition. Printed in the United States of America

# Preface - A Confident Young Woman

When you look closely at the young woman on the back cover of this book, you will see how sure she is of herself in the presence of her suitor. Notice how attentive he is to her. It is she who is in charge of the situation. It is she who holds the fate of the young man in her hands.

The painting, entitled The Proposal by Lawrence Alma-Tadema was painted nearly one hundred years ago.

Now, imagine her being transported into the present day. Chances are that she would not be likely to call or text boys repeatedly on her cell phone. And she would not be likely to wear clothing that was meant for boys. She would never do a boy's bidding in the name of being popular, or because she was afraid that he wouldn't want to see her again, if she didn't do what he asked her to do.

In her day, girls were taught that being feminine, virtuous, and modest were the most effective ways to earn the respect and admiration of young men. They liked being girls. They had their own feminine realm that boys did not enter. Ironically, from this same era came some of the most creative and confident women in the history of the world in the fields of business, medicine, and creative endeavors like interior design, film production, and literature, like Margaret Mitchell, who wrote Gone With the Wind.

The adults in your life are encouraging you to do your best in school, and they tell you that when you grow up you can have whatever career you wish, and they encourage you to work hard at your studies because they want you to be prepared with education and skills in order to survive in today's world. This is all well and good. However, preparing yourself to become a self sufficient adult is one thing. Making yourself into the kind of woman for whom a man would be willing to go out into the world and slay dragons is an entirely different matter. That is the purpose of this book—to give you the special skills you will need to handle not only boys, but when you are older, men.

# Chapter 1 - Knights on White Horses

### What is a chivalrous man?

Once upon a time, not so really long ago, men in civilized countries treated women with respect. Boys grew up understanding that girls were not to be called names, nor were they to be touched inappropriately or harassed. Men knew it was their responsibility and duty to support their wives and children, and to shelter them from the harshness of the real world.

The word chivalry was originally used to define the attributes of gallant knights who roamed the countryside in medieval days courageously and nobly protecting women and poor people. Even after gallant knights stopped roaming the countryside of Europe, defending those in need, a code of gentlemanly manners continued to exist for many years.

To this day, girls and women still like to fantasize about modern day versions of chivalrous knights who come along, and sweep damsels off their feet. Fictional knights are portrayed over and over again, on page after page of one romance novel after another.

One version of the chivalrous knight originated from stories of the wild and untamed American West, where gentleman cowboys treated women with respect. The chivalry of the Western cowboy is so legendary that the best selling romance novels are often set against a Western background. Publishers of these novels have no problem getting them sold to millions of love hungry women and girls.

### Do modern day chivalrous knights exist outside of literature?

They do. There are very few men who don't possess the capacity to be modern day chivalrous knights.

There is only one problem with chivalry. Men and boys will only behave in a chivalrous manner if they are compelled to do so. Unfortunately, not all girls and women of today are doing their part to encourage chivalrous behavior. As a consequence, the sad truth is that unlike the heroes in romance novels who are good and kind to women, many boys and men are no longer as chivalrous as they were just a few years ago. In fact, among some men, an ugly attitude towards women has replaced chivalry, making some women's lives even more dangerous and difficult.

Would you believe that not so long ago, a girl could go all the way from elementary school through high school, and not have a boy (or another girl) call her a name, or touch her in a disrespectful way? In my case, there was only one such incident, when a boy spit at me, in the seventh grade. But this was nothing compared to what happened the summer after I graduated from high school.

One fateful day when I was attending a rock concert, I left my seat at the concert to go to a restroom and on my way, it happened. A boy, walking from the opposite directly, suddenly came up to me, passed one of his hands from my pubic area to my breasts, and then walked right past me. I didn't even see him coming. It happened so quickly, that he had already committed his dastardly deed before I realized what had happened. Never again could I count on men treating me with respect in public places. Needless to say, this was not the action of a chivalrous male.

Only weeks before, I was with some girlfriends who told me all about a women's liberation movement afoot in the nation. Just as I did not realize what had happened to me until it was over, we are just now beginning to understand the far reaching consequences of what the messages, propagated by the feminists of this movement, has had on men, women, children, and especially teenagers.

Over the years, girls and women have been treated with less and less respect, not only in public situations, but in private ones as well.

### How do girls and women destroy chivalrous behavior?

A Japanese philosopher from the thirteenth century once said that women can be responsible for the downfall of a nation. The feminists of the women's liberation movement spread the message to men that women did not need their support or protection. They even went so far as to say that children really didn't need fathers. This attitude is the greatest destroyer of chivalry. When men are made to feel useless, they have no reason to act in a chivalrous manner.

Men have taken the movement's harmful message to heart and are now less inclined to stay in a marriage, or marry at all. More young women than ever are ending up with broken hearts at the hands of boyfriends who simply don't care and don't feel obligated to commit themselves to a lasting relationship. This means that in the romance and relationship department, many women now find themselves in more difficult circumstances than ever. Instead of getting married, they often settle for a man who will at least live with them, even though they know that they are running the risk of a man walking out on them at any time. A man who merely lives with a woman because he is afraid of a commitment, and has no intention of marrying her, is not a chivalrous man.

Broken hearts are not the only consequence of this movement. As a result, more children than ever are growing up in fatherless homes. Many of these fatherless children experience neglect and poverty. They often grow up to lead a life of crime.

The angry and hateful women who started the feminist movement considered chivalry an antiquated behavior that merely consisted of such things as having men open doors for women and pay restaurant tabs. They had no idea just how important it was for men to have a gentlemanly attitude towards women.

They claimed that men who were chivalrous placed women on pedestals to be worshiped like goddesses and kept them from becoming equal to men. They said that they were perfectly willing to trade chivalrous treatment by men in exchange for complete equality in the workplace and everywhere else, as well.

There is a well known saying: "Be careful what you ask for, you might just get it." As a result of what was suppose to be a liberating movement, more women than ever have no choice but to work outside the home, whether they like it or not. This is the reason girls are now expected to choose a career outside the home (just like men) when they grow up, over and above the career of motherhood.

Due to the demand that feminists made of men to not treat them in a chivalrous manner, boys are now less likely to show girls any special consideration. Unlike the past, when boys were taught that girls were different and needed to be treated in a protective, respectful manner, the "treat me as an equal, not as a feminine woman" message has rightfully given boys free license to do around girls what they have always done in the company of other boys.

The basic, inborn nature of boys is to play rough, get into fist fights, and call each other names. Teaching boys that girls are equal has changed how boys view girls. They now see girls as their competition, and not to be given any special consideration. It is a step backward in civilization. Ironically, civilization was built not only to protect mankind from the forces of nature, but in particular, to make life better for women and children.

There is a good word to describe what so many young men and boys have become and it's how all men were before the days when women first began to compel men to be chivalrous. They can now appropriately be called boors. A boorish man is an ill-mannered man, who is insensitive to the special needs of anyone.

### Why is it important to understand the days when women were protected, and treated with greater respect?

The answer is simple. Too many women and children have suffered, and the suffering needs to stop. Men have a basic instinct to use their strength to protect women and children, and yet the feminists pounded in the message to both sexes that women and children could get along without men just fine, thank you very much.

Forcing men to treat women as their equal competitors, has not only robbed boys and men of one of their most basic purposes, and it has left many women no choice but to take on masculine qualities in order to fend for themselves.

What brings out the chivalrous nature in a man or a boy?

That is what you will learn as you continue to read each chapter. The wisdom in this book will show you how to bring out the gentle, protective, and devotional nature in boys. Then, one enchanted evening, across a crowded room, you will see your prince and . . .

# Chapter 2 - The Fundamentals of Attraction

### What attracts a boy to a girl?

Is it her looks? Is it her personality? Is it both? What is it about some girls that boys can't resist? Is natural beauty absolutely necessary? Why does a boy behave one way with one girl and completely differently with another? Physical appearance does play a role, but before I go into that, there are some other very important things you should understand. These are the fundamentals for your success with boys.

### Accentuate the positive

Do you ever believe that other people have all the luck? As you grow older, you realize that this view is an illusion. The truth is that other people just appear to have all the luck. No one is free from problems and disappointments. Look no further than the lives of celebrities and you will find one heartache and sorry story after another.

In reality, life is more like the story of the turtle and the hare. The hare may have been faster and seemed to have all of the advantages over the turtle. But in the end, it was the turtle who crossed the finish line first.

There are times when the prettiest girls end up alone and the cutest boy ends up with a girl who is plain. This is why there is no use in focusing on your flaws. Instead, you need to focus on what it is that will give you the best advantages in attracting the boy of your dreams. You must accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.

Some women think that appearances shouldn't be important. They believe that it's unfair that there is so much focus on how a girl looks. Others believe that looks are everything and that without them a girl is sunk. Actually, even though looks do carry some weight, being beautiful does not guarantee that a girl will attract anyone she wants.

You can make up your face, fix your hair just right and wear lovely dresses, but if you don't possess a glowing inner beauty, it will be all for naught. On the other hand, if you have a pleasant personality, but don't do anything to enhance your physical appearance, you are handicapping yourself, as well. The trick is to do the best you can with what you have been given.

The most important thing of all is how you feel about yourself. Your inner well being affects everything from how you feel to whether or not you take pride in your appearance. It also has an effect on how you treat others.

### Value Your Precious Self

Suppose you were taking care of a baby who was completely your responsibility. Would you take that baby outside in the cold without proper clothing or blankets? Would you take that baby out in the sun without sunscreen and allow her to get badly sunburned? Would you entrust that baby to a person who might do her harm? Of course not. You wouldn't do any of those things.

Teenage girls (and grown women as well) however, often make the mistake of subjecting themselves to harmful elements. They don't understand the importance of protecting themselves from getting hurt. When you were a baby, adults were there to protect you. Being an adult means protecting yourself in the same way you were protected as a child. Girls with healthy self esteem understand the importance of self protection. You are no less precious to this world than a tiny baby.

No boy is going to respect you if you don't respect yourself. No boy is going to value you if you don't value yourself. You must develop a deep understanding of your own value as a person, and as a future mother. You, as a young woman carry within you the capability to carry a baby inside of you. It is important to realize just how precious you are, and how closely you must guard and protect yourself.

You must think of your body and your mind as being precious and valuable. Your mind is precious because it is the key to your happiness. The more you feed your mind with valuable information, the more likely it is that you will not be duped by those trying to take advantage of you. Your body is precious and needs to be protected from roving eyes and wayward hands. Your energy is another precious asset that you possess. How you spend your energy in your youth will determine the consequences you experience when you are an adult. If you apply yourself to reading as many books as possible, you will reap the benefits of the knowledge you receive. If you spend your precious energy bashing other people, you will eventually suffer the consequences of your meanness. The best way you can spend your energy in this time of your life is by minding your own business and developing your own talents.

### Your own natural femininity

In the 1970's social workers discovered a thirteen-year-old girl named Jean who had been confined to her room her entire life. Her isolation from society was so complete that she never even learned the basics of language. A documentary was made about Jean and her introduction into society because of the unusual circumstances of her life. She was taken out of her parents' home and placed in a setting where she could be taught basic skills. There, she was studied and observed by qualified professionals. Social scientists, language experts, and psychologists were all fascinated by her. She had to learn almost everything from scratch. Her parents had been so cruel that they tied her to a portable potty where she sometimes sat day and night. This meant that she even had to practice walking with legs that had been permanently bent from sitting.

There was one curious thing that stood out clearly in the film clips of Jean. She possessed an unwavering natural femininity. She seemed even more feminine than the women scientists who were assigned to teach and observe her. Jean could not have learned her femininity in her isolation. She was never exposed to television and she had little contact with her own mother, who did no more for her than what it took to keep her alive.

Jean's movements were soft and lilting. She had a gentleness about her that could be seen, not only in the way she moved, but in her facial expressions and in her eyes, as well. When she held her forearm up, her hand dropped naturally from her wrist. This distinctly feminine gesture comes very naturally to a girl. It is such a mark of femininity that it is often imitated by men who attempt to impersonate women.

Feminists from the women's liberation movement propagated a great big lie that was based on the opinions of a handful of so called experts. They believed that femininity was learned. They foolishly refused to acknowledge that it is an inborn trait.

If femininity could really be learned, normal men could be made to sound and behave exactly like real women, but they never quite get that far, even with the most sincere and practiced efforts. Simply by observing a man who mimics feminine mannerisms and voice tonality, one can always see that, at best, he is merely humorous.

Some very foolish scientists also believed the lie that femininity is learned, and unfortunately, innocent people suffered as a result. There was a little boy who suffered from a botched circumcision as a baby (his penis was accidentally cut off), so his parents, at the urging of a very evil doctor, decided to make him into a girl by removing his testicles. The doctor told his parents never to tell him that he had really been born a boy, thinking that if he didn't know, he would never know the difference. A book was written about the suffering that he endured (As Nature Made Him: The Boy who was Raised as a Girl by John Colapinto).

As he grew up, attempts to make him feminine by subjecting him to operations and drug treatments, as well as the efforts his parents made in teaching him to act like a girl, just didn't work. He was forced in a very cruel way to be someone he was not. As hard as they tried, they just couldn't instill him with femininity. He hated playing with dolls, and instead, took more interest in things like trucks and getting into fist fights. When they told him that it was time to undergo surgery so that he could have a vagina like other girls, he was so upset that he attempted to kill himself. After this incident, his parents decided to reveal the truth to him that he really was a boy.

We can be told by feminist propaganda machines, over and over again, that the sexes are equal, but it won't make it true. Men and women are fundamentally different. The women of the generation who bought into this lie, believed that in order to be equal with men, they needed to talk like men, walk like men, and dress like men. They were mistaken. They are no less ridiculous than men who mimic women. These silly man imitators completely lost sight of something very important in their pursuit of equality: the natural allure and power of femininity to the male sex.

You may have noticed how much more feminine women actresses were from the era of black and white movies in the first half of the 1900's. Their voices were soft and gentle and their mannerisms were gracious. They didn't have to work at it because it came naturally to them.

The era of natural and true femininity ended when the women's liberation movement began to take hold in the early 1970's. At that time, many younger women began to mask their feminine natures. They became more androgynous (both feminine and masculine) than their own mothers and grandmothers. This trend towards androgyny became most prevalent in the Northern half of the United States where large numbers of women have greatly lessened their feminine charm. Around the same time these women began to lose their femininity, divorce rates began to skyrocket. Is it any wonder? When there are two people in a marriage who both behave like men, it is inevitable that such a relationship will go sour.

The more unfortunate women of this stupid trend are unhappy and bitter that they have not had much success in their relationships with men. They aren't even aware of just how tough and masculine they have become through the years. They don't even realize how much they sound like men, nor can they see how ungraceful they appear as they stroll down a street taking one giant manly stride after another. More often than not, they dress in drab masculine clothing. Instead of trying to figure out why the right kind of men aren't attracted to them, they place the blame on men in general. They say to themselves and their friends things like "all the good men are married." These women are not looking in the mirror.

If they only knew what men really think of them. If they could only see themselves through the eyes of the men they repel. What man wants to be married to a blow hard female bully who makes claims that she can match him in any task he takes on?

Women of my generation are not passing on to their daughters the power and allure of being feminine. This is why some teenage girls of today are making the same big mistakes that their mothers made before them. With each generation, women have suppressed more and more of their own natural femininity. My own mother did not behave in as feminine a manner as my grandmother.

Unfortunately, many girls come from homes where Mom and Dad (if they aren't divorced) are both fighting their own dragons in the business world and they may not be in contact with grandmothers who are feminine. Instead, they are growing up more and more influenced by more masculine peers. It is heartbreaking to see, because to deprive a girl of her right to express her own femininity, is to force her to wear a mask. A large number of women have almost completely lost their grasp on what it means to utilize their own inherent femininity.

Many women who live in the Southern United States are lucky enough to have been allowed to grow up as their natural feminine selves. For them, it is a valued commodity. They know quite well what power it holds. They know that there are many aspects of femininity, which attract boys like bees to honey. There are Latin American women, as well, who know that being feminine is also alluring. Simply put, a feminine girl has the advantage when it comes to attracting boys. In addition, men are more likely to defer their aggressive and rough natures in response to femininity.

Even a feminine businesswoman has an edge over her more masculine sisters, especially in difficult and stressful circumstances. She has a better chance of getting her way because men feel less threatened by her. Not only that, they are more inclined to be protective of her. Another attribute that compels men to be more protective is when women acknowledge the natural superior physical strength of men. Feminine women have no need to pretend that this isn't true.

### Virtue and Modesty

Modesty and virtue are old fashioned terms. They may have gone out of style in the past few years, but when it comes to dealing with boys, being modest and virtuous will provide you with a way of protecting yourself from unnecessary hurt. Whether boys like to admit it or not, they also find women who are virtuous and modest more appealing and alluring.

Virtue comes from the Latin word meaning virginal. It not only means holding onto your virginity, it also means keeping yourself pure. The opposite of virtue can be defined as the state of being soiled. Not being virtuous can have very serious consequences.

There are many women in their thirties who are just now beginning to realize the damage they have done to themselves by not being virtuous. Unfortunately, they had to learn this lesson the hard way, and suffered through bad relationships, and other harmful consequences, before they made this discovery. Many of them may have found out too late because as a woman gets older the pool of eligible men available to her dwindles greatly. You will learn some of the consequences of not being virtuous in later chapters.

To be modest is to have a closed door policy on yourself. Especially when it comes to boys, it means to keep yourself reserved. Perhaps the best way to understand modesty is by describing its opposite. The opposite of modesty is overexposure or "letting it all hang out."

One of the most important things you need to learn is how to protect yourself from overexposure. When you don't cover yourself up in all the right places, or when you brag too much, you are overexposing yourself. You are exhibiting immodest behavior which may lead to undesirable consequences.

Consider the following example: suppose everyone in school found out that you did something and this something that you did brought you a great deal of embarrassment? Let's say you were with a boy and instead of being modest, you allowed him to convince you to take your top off in the privacy of his bedroom. What you didn't know at the time was that his best friend was hiding in his closet with a camera and took a picture of you. He then took laser copies of your picture, and passed them all around the school. Living something like this down is practically impossible. Your reputation could easily be ruined.

A girl who prides herself as being modest doesn't submit to pressure from others, even if it means losing a boyfriend or a friend. Any so called friend that doesn't respect your closed door policy of modesty isn't really your friend. Such a person is someone who uses others for his or her own convenience and does not respect your individual desires. It's better to be alone than with such people.

Why is modesty so important in your relationships with boys? Boys are the natural pursuers of the two sexes. When you leave yourself overexposed, it makes for a very easy pursuit. An overexposed girl is an easy target. If you send out signals to boys that you are easy and available, either through the way you dress or how you behave, they may get the idea that they will be able to use you anyway they please.

How do you keep yourself from being overexposed? Dressing modestly and keeping your clothes on is the physical aspect of modesty. Modesty also has to do with what comes out of your mouth as well.

A girl who doesn't restrain herself from talking about sexual matters is not being modest. She is verbally exposing herself. Not only is she just as immature as a ten year old boy who loves to use gross words and talk about sex, she is showing others that she is vulgar and unsophisticated.

Don't let yourself be lured into immodest behavior just because you feel that you will not be liked if you don't go along with what others want you to do.

### Create happiness in your own little universe

A sour attitude can turn a beautiful woman into an ugly monster. Are you fun to be with, or do people have to constantly work to prop you up? If you are the latter, this means that you are a burdensome person. Don't be a burden. Be a spirit lifter. No one wants to be with a sullen, sour puss. Pouting, whining, and complaining may be effective ways of getting attention if you are an immature, spoiled, rotten child, but these tactics are useless if you want to keep the interest of a boy. Of course, if you have a legitimate reason to be depressed, you need to express your feelings with someone you can trust, like your best friend, or a member of your family.

Sometimes you have to be an actress, and pretend you are cheerful when you're not. You probably already know what I am talking about. Just imagine yourself on stage, and pretend that you are in your own happy, little world. Boys are drawn to girls who shine with their own contentment. Think of how cheerful Snow White was when she settled in with the seven dwarves. In spite of the fact that the ugly queen wanted her dead, she continued to be cheerful.

Even in the worst circumstances, there is opportunity for humor. Look for it and don't let yourself get trapped in a ravine of depression. Think of things for which you can be thankful. Physical exercise is a great way to lift oneself out of the doldrums.

### Be appreciative of the little things as well as the big things in life.

There are times, especially when you are a teenager, that life can be difficult, and just has to be endured. You need to keep in mind that the bad times will not last forever. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and your optimism will get you through the worst of circumstances. No one on this earth is free from trouble, and some of the happiest adults have lived through terrible childhoods. When you are an adult, and you look back, you will realize that the times you endured were just a fraction of the sum total of all of your years.

How you treat others will affect how boys perceive you

If you don't think boys notice how you treat others, think again. Always remember to be kind to others. Show sympathy for their problems and be the kind of person who is understanding and caring. Don't just reserve these traits for a chosen few. Always be sincere in showing your compassionate side.

### Knowledge is power

One of the most common topics that men bring up about women, when they talk to each other, are stories in which they recount the stupidity and ignorance of some poor woman, or another. This factor is unique to male conversation. Women don't sit around and talk about the intelligence level of some man.

One of the only reasons that a boy will go out with a girl who is not too bright is when her looks make up for what she lacks in brains. I can't blame boys for being attracted to such girls as they are often easier to manipulate. The worst combination that a girl can be is to be both ignorant and immodest. The chances of her getting used, if not sexually assaulted at least once in her life, are very high.

An ignorant girl is practically begging a boy to take advantage of her. She can be easily convinced to have an alcoholic drink, or to take drugs. Even without drinking or drugs, it is easy for the wrong kind of boy to lure her into a dangerous situation.

If you insist on not applying yourself to your schoolwork, or not informing yourself with current events or books, you are limiting your chances of meeting an intelligent, successful man in the future.

Being street smart isn't enough. You are growing up in a world that is becoming more global and unless you broaden your knowledge past the place where you hang out with your friends, you will put yourself at a disadvantage.

Ignorance truly is one of the biggest evils in the world. Those who are doomed to a life of ignorance are also doomed to a life of suffering and poverty. In the famous words of Shakespeare, life for them is nothing but "double, double, toil and trouble."

Girls who are intelligent and knowledgeable reap a very important benefit that ignorant girls will never possess. They command respect. A boy may be intimidated by a girl's intelligence, but he will respect her and he is a lot less likely to mistreat a girl whom he respects.

Of course there are boys who are so stupid that they don't even recognize a girl's intelligence. I would strongly advise you to steer away from any boy who can't tell if you are intelligent or not. You need to find someone more on your level.

### Your Appearance Does Matter

The first impression a boy gets of you is a visual one. Your great grandmother knew this, but beginning in the early 1970's, women began to convince themselves of the following false premise: there is no need to improve how I look because men should accept me as I am. Wrong! It was one of the distorted lies propagated by the feminist movement.

Some foolish women hold the belief that wearing makeup is phony. They refuse to acknowledge that taking pride in one's appearance does wonders for one's self esteem. They seem to believe that men ought to be attracted to them whether they look their best or not, or whether they dress in a feminine manner or not.

Back in the early 1970's, feminists tried very hard to convince women that it was wrong to enhance their personal appearance because they claimed that doing so made women into sexual objects. They claimed that women degraded themselves if they dared to make themselves attractive to men.

The reality is this: it is impossible to force a man to fall in love with a woman who allows herself to look like an ugly hag who does not take pride in her appearance.

Along with inner beauty, your appearance can give you a great deal of power. Have you ever heard of the expression "drop dead gorgeous?" It means that a woman's appearance can have the power to knock a man over, to overwhelm him. Cinderella's fairy godmother had a very good reason for making sure she was outfitted with the most beautiful dress possible.

If you don't take pride in your appearance, not attracting a man will be just one of the negative consequences. It will likely be that society as a whole will not completely respect you.

Not long ago, there was a woman who held a high position in national government. She bought the women's liberation lie that a woman need not make herself look attractive. Although she sounded intelligent when she spoke, every time I saw her appear on television, I noticed several very disturbing things about her, and they all pertained to her appearance.

She always had her hair cut in a manly style, but that wasn't all. She let her shoulders hunch and it always seemed that she wore the same manly looking suits over and over again. It was obvious that she did nothing to style her hair other than washing it, parting it on the side, and combing it. Most of her hair laid limply against her head and fell flat onto her forehead. The ends stuck out and curled up a bit in an unkempt manner.

Needless to say, just looking at her was revolting. Knowing that this woman did not take pride in her appearance made me realize that there was something mentally wrong with her. Most men, whether they are going bald or not, take better care in how they comb their hair, not to mention the pride they take in dressing themselves.

Even though she was intelligent and educated, she was not popular with the general public. She was despised and ridiculed by many, including many of her former co-workers. Comedians often told jokes about her or dressed up like her, often imitating her hunched shoulders.

This right of ours to make ourselves as attractive as possible, levels the playing field between those who are plain and those who are naturally beautiful. Be appreciative of the fact that you live in a culture that allows you to have the freedom to dress yourself in an alluring and appealing manner. Not all women are so fortunate, and some have been punished severely, or even killed for doing so. The art and tradition of making up our faces as we choose is the result of our past ancestors' struggles to create a civilized society where women are protected and cherished.

In certain countries, women are required by law to cover their bodies and faces with ugly, confining veils. Needless to say, men who force women to do this only want to keep women at a lower status than men, and are at the opposite end of the spectrum of what it means to be a chivalrous gentleman who treats women with respect.

Just imagine one half of all of the girls in school having to walk around in black tents that cover their faces and bodies, while the rest of the girls are allowed to dress in normal attire. The girls in black tents would be walking around in their own portable oppressive prisons, while the girls who did not have to wear the tents would not only feel the most confident, they would have all of the influence. This is why a beautifully made up and well dressed woman with poise can control an entire roomful of men.

The sad thing is that many women and girls are not taking advantage of this wonderful freedom. They make major mistakes in the way they dress and make themselves look. These mistakes encompass everything from bad hairdos and makeup to unkempt, baggy clothes. Although there are a few naturally beautiful women who can get away without wearing makeup, the rest of us need all the help we can get.

Smart women know that it is to their advantage to make up their faces to enhance their appearance, not only in order to attract men, but to help them feel better about themselves. When you look in the mirror and feel confident about your appearance, it will affect how you relate to others, especially boys.

### What is beauty?

Several years ago a documentary about beauty contests was made for television. What was impressive to me was how the girls who participate in these contests work so hard at what they do. Before having seen this documentary, I used to think that natural beauty played a large role in a girl's chances of winning. I was dead wrong.

Beauty contests are not about what nature handed you the day you were born, but about working with your assets and working around your flaws. Out in public, I never fail to see some kind of beauty in the faces of every girl and woman I encounter. Nevertheless, like a beautician who enjoys making others look pretty, I also imagine ways to enhance their appearance because, more often than not, there is always room for improvement. Many of the winners in beauty contests have ordinary faces and yet, because they know what to do and work very hard at it, these plain Janes often win over girls who may be more blessed by nature.

### Makeup

Most girls are not allowed to wear makeup before the age of fourteen, but wearing makeup can completely change how a girl feels about herself. It may not be fair that there are girls who stand out above the crowd with their natural beauty, but makeup gives women and girls an opportunity to close the gap between natural beauties and those who are plain.

Since most of us do not possess the perfect model face, it is important to enhance and bring out your best features. Perhaps your nose is okay, but your eyes are too small. Or maybe your nose is too long and your eyes are your best feature. There has been a lot of experimentation in makeup fashion in the past one hundred years, but in spite of changing trends, there are some basic do's and don'ts.

One of the biggest turnoffs for boys (and men) is when a girl overdoes her makeup. You want to wear just enough to enhance your appearance. If the trend is to wear heavy mascara and eyeliner, you need to go lightly on the lip and cheek color. In other words, never wear bright red lipstick along with heavy eye makeup, unless you are a theater actress, or a ballerina dancing on stage. Stick to pinks, or light corals. If your skin is dark, reds are okay as long as they are not in the orange shades. Bright red lipstick does have its place when it is in style and can make you look fantastic, but always remember that you're going to look like a circus clown if you don't go lightly on the eye makeup when you wear it. And a added note about lipstick color with heavy eye makeup—wearing too light of lipstick, in the beige or white shades will simply make you look like a ghoul.

As for foundation, some girls have clear skin and can get away without wearing it. It can be a big confidence booster because it helps hides blemishes, and it is a good way to protect your skin from damaging sun rays. And, of course, always make sure your foundation matches your skin color.

Stay away from brick colored rouges, lip glosses, and lipsticks (unless it's Halloween). Brick colors will make you look drab and deathlike, as do dark maroons and browns. If you make yourself out to look like a ghoul, a boy will not be able to see your special vivacious shine and certainly no modern day chivalrous knight is going to come along and sweep you off your feet. He wouldn't have any interest in getting to know a ghoul. Dreary makeup would make him, as well as others, feel depressed.

There is enough sorrow and tragedy in the world, you don't need to contribute any more than already exists.

### Hair

Boys definitely have strong opinions about how girls wear their hair. One thing they don't like is phony looking hair color shades especially the unreal looking reds. If you have mousy brown hair and you want to go blonde, this is fine, but you need to choose a color that compliments your skin tone. If possible, get professional advice.

A girl whose skin is really pale should not become a blonde because it will make her look washed out. This must be the reason that so many blondes spend long hours in the sun tanning themselves. A good rule of thumb is if your skin is a very dark ebony or very pale, without a hint of rosiness, going blonde is not for you. Women who look best as blondes have skin tones in the middle ranges.

Many boys do like long hair, but it's not an absolute requirement. It's far better to wear your hair in a cute short style, if you don't have the kind of hair that looks good long, or is too fine or fragile to grow out past a certain length. Of course there will always be shallow boys who make long hair a requirement, but this reflects their own insecurity and image. No one looks attractive in long, broken, limp, or stringy hair. And sometimes, going against a trend can get you more attention.

If you do get your hair cut short, make sure it's not cut in a butch style. As well, don't go for a wild and unkempt look. I heard one young man complain that some girls look as if their hair was styled with an egg beater. Boys are not attracted to girls who wear spiked hair either.

If possible, wear your hair curled. Straight hair styles, even though they are sometimes the vogue are not always as appealing. Even if you wear your hair long, you should style it and not just let it hang straight. While straight hair connotes masculinity, curls convey femininity. Of course, sometimes the trend is to have straight hair, but it really doesn't make you as attractive as you could be.

Wear decorative barrettes, bands, or scrunchies, if possible. These are feminine accessories that can add to your appearance, if you don't go overboard.

Just remember this—it is women and not men, who decide hair trends. Men say they like long hair, but their actions often say something else. There isn't a warmblooded man in the world who would have passed up a date with the late, famous 1950's actress Marilyn Monroe when she was alive. Now, boys might pretend they wouldn't have been attracted to her, but boys often say one thing, and do another. As for Marilyn's hair, she wouldn't have been as beautiful with long hair split in the middle that laid flat against her skull.

### Nails

Your nails should be neatly trimmed and filed. Fingernail polish is fine, as long as you choose feminine colors. Many ugly nail colors are on the market now and it's just too bad that many girls are so foolish not to realize that these nail colors don't make them attractive to prospective chivalrous gentlemen.

Metallic blues and greens, ugly browns, and brick colors fall into the category of repulsive nail colors that won't do a thing to make you look more feminine. Stick to the roses, corals, pinks, and reds. If you want to convey modesty, stick to clear or pale pink polish. Unless your nail color is clear or pale pink, always make sure that your nail color matches your lipstick color.

One nail fashion that detracts from a girl's appearance is the wearing of long, fake, acrylic, claw-type nails. Wearing these kinds of nails won't help you convey an innocent purity that boys find irresistible. Besides, they are simply in bad taste.

If you examine any photographs of the late Princess Diana, you will notice that she never wore long, fake nails. In fact, she wore clear polish and her nails were kept fairly short.

### Perfume

No boy wants to go out with a girl who reeks of some weird smelling perfume. There are natural scents that can be purchased at health food stores that fall into this category. Some girls can only wear certain perfumes because their skin reacts differently to different scents. Wearing perfume in moderate amounts can make you more feminine and alluring. Stick to well known name brands. Drug stores are usually a good place to find perfumes that are nice but don't cost too much.

It is best to stay away from perfumes that smell too much like men's colognes. Stick to floral scents. Tea Rose scent is always a good standby and men do go crazy over it. This is the reason that it has been around for years.

A light scent of perfume gives you what is referred to as a je ne se quoi quality— "I don't know what it is." Men can detect there is something about a woman, but they can't quite tell exactly what makes her so alluring.

### Dress in a feminine manner

You should strive to dress in the most attractive way possible to get the attention of boys without sending the wrong message. This means dressing modestly. Sometimes what you hide can be more alluring than what you reveal—as long as it's not a big black tent that covers everything.

Wear clothing with delicate flowered prints or polka dots or pastels and vibrant colors.

Stick to pale or vibrant pinks, blues, and yellows as well as different shades of peach, orange, or lime green. Reds and purples are okay as long as they aren't too dark. Stay away from dull looking mauves, maroons, and earth colors, like muted browns and beiges. Don't wear the same kind of muted greys, browns, blues and greens that men wear.

A midriff top is alright in the appropriate circumstances such as an outdoor picnic, if you show some modesty on the top side of your blouse. The idea is to not let it all hang out. A strapless top needs to cover your breasts without the risk of the top slipping down and exposing you. This is why I would not recommend you wear one unless you wear a B cup bra size or smaller. Strapless tops by themselves are fine when you are in private settings with people you know, but it's a good idea to wear an open blouse over one when you are out in public. Young, ill-mannered men have been known to approach girls in malls, and pull down their tops as a prank.

Shorts can also be appropriate attire for outdoor activities. One way that women take away from their attractiveness when wearing shorts is to wear socks and loafers or sloppy looking tennis shoes along with them. This look is unfeminine. It will not only detract from your appearance, it makes girls (especially the shorter ones) look like second rate boy scouts. Wear feminine sandals (without socks) instead.

Don't wear see-through skirts without slips. This is a sign of a girl who doesn't understand the importance of being modest. She is stupidly overexposing herself. If you do need to wear a slip, make sure that it doesn't cling to you and that it doesn't hang below your dress.

Overalls are the least appealing article of clothing you can wear. To boys and men, they make you look like an overgrown tomboy. Try to wear clothing that accentuates your figure without being too tight. Stay away from baggy shirts and baggy jeans as well. A chivalrous gentleman isn't likely to sweep a woman with overalls or baggy clothing off her feet. Men are attracted by a woman's curvaceous figure. Even if you are overweight, you can still make yourself attractive by wearing clothing that is correctly sized, and flatters your best features.

Wearing feminine lacy underwear is a way of making you feel more like a girl, and more feminine, but always remember the importance of being modest. Even if others cannot see your underwear, it still affects how you feel about yourself, and if you walk around with a skimpy thong pair of underpants, others can sense your lack of modesty. In a later chapter, you'll find out why this is important. With lacy, feminine underwear, others will notice that you seem more feminine, but they won't know why.

Finally, try not to wear big, chunky shoes. They do nothing but detract from whatever it is that you are wearing, no matter how beautiful. Sometimes, these are the trend and it's almost impossible to find shoes that are not like this. Nothing can wipe out a girl's visual attractiveness more completely than a masculine looking pair of athletic shoes.

How you dress will not only have an impact on how boys perceive you, but on how you feel and act as well. If a girl is always made to dress in drab, masculine clothing, she is not going to feel or act feminine. This, in turn, will affect how boys treat her.

### Jewelry

When it comes to jewelry, less is usually desirable. A delicate chain-link necklace with a modest looking pendant or stone is always in style. One jewelry trend that isn't so feminine are the flat necklaces. They are masculine in nature.

Bracelets shouldn't be too thick or heavy either. Brash looking jewelry reflects a woman who may be bold and aggressive. Examples include long earrings that dangle or large, hooped earrings. These convey a lack of modesty. Don't wear too many rings on your fingers. It's just plain tacky and in bad taste. Large, fake, diamonds aren't that flattering either. Keep your jewelry simple and delicate. You'll get your chance to wear big, gaudy stones when you're an old lady.

### Comportment and Poise

Comportment is how you carry yourself. Poise is the art of carrying yourself in a dignified and balanced manner. Good comportment and poise are reflected not only in your posture, but how you walk and how you hold your shoulders and arms. Many girls don't know how to carry themselves, nor do they know what it means to be poised. Women and girls who compete in beauty contests work for hours on their comportment.

A cat instinctively knows what poise is. When she wants to be noticed, she sits on her hind legs with her front legs held straight, and demure brought together, almost like a statue.

Good comportment sends a visual signal to the world about how you feel about yourself.

Do you walk with your shoulders droopy? Do you find yourself bobbing from side to side, or up and down, either when you are standing or walking? Do you constantly run your fingers through your hair, or bite your nails, or scratch yourself? Then you need to work on your comportment and poise.

A girl who walks around like a floppy noodle is sending a bad message to boys. She is saying: "I really don't give a darn about myself. You can use me, abuse me, and throw me around like the floppy rag that I am."

Good comportment is not about being stiff. It is about having a posture that is relaxed, but upright. Good comportment shows that you think well of yourself, and that you have pride in who you are. It's walking with your shoulders relaxed, your rib cage upright, and your head straight. There is a reason that so many mothers have their daughters take ballet classes. Ballerinas have wonderful comportment.

When you sit in a chair, you should convey a sense of dignity. Can you imagine a princess sitting with her legs apart like a man? When I see women sitting this way, I think one of either two things: either they are mentally challenged, uneducated, or clueless.

If you want to be attractive to boys, don't sit like one. Other girls may think it's cool and rebellious to do so. Let them be the cool and rebellious ones. They may have boyfriends, but in the long run, a girl who sits like a lady is going to have an advantage, especially later in life. Sitting with your legs close together sends a message. It says to the world, "I think well enough of myself not to hang out all over." It's a good habit to develop now. Let the other girls make fools of themselves by sitting like men. Don't follow their bad example. Be different. Be sophisticated.

The late British Princess, Princess Diana, was a model of comportment. When she sat in a chair at a social function, she sat up straight, but allowed her arms to relax at her sides with one hand crossed over the other. Her legs were brought together at the knees with her ankles were crossed. This is a feminine way of sitting. If she was in close conversation with someone, she naturally leaned towards them to hear them better, but otherwise, she maintained her posture. A high backed chair is a good way to both maintain an upright posture and relax at the same time.

How you carry yourself when you walk tells volumes about you. Do you take big strides, like a man? Then you never grew out of the tomboy stage. Even if you have the most feminine dress on, you will destroy what you are trying to achieve, if you walk with big steps.

Concentrate on taking relaxed, modest steps, putting one foot in front of the other. When you walk, it is all right to move your hips back and forth a little bit, but a girl who moves her hips back and forth too much just comes off looking cheap and tawdry. Hold your head up, but relax your shoulders. Place one foot just a few inches in front of the other. Hold your arms to your side and don't swing them back and forth.

Not only will you feel a certain pride and confidence when you carry yourself well, boys will be more likely to respect you and not take you for granted.

### How does your voice look?

My cat is one of the prettiest cats you'll ever see, but when she opens her mouth, her voice is so scratchy and irritating (it's her one flaw) that I completely forget how pretty she is. At the moment she is meowing, I feel as if I'm with the ugliest creature in the world. She is a constant reminder to me to never become a grouchy, mean talking, old lady.

Like my cat, nothing can make a beautiful woman ugly faster than a bad voice or poor verbal skills. Never underestimate the power your voice quality has in creating a good impression on boys.

Southern women have know this for generations. There was a time when all genteel, Southern girls were sent to elocution lessons to improve their speaking and conversation skills, because their mothers knew just how important and powerful a woman's voice could be. There is nothing more seductive and sweet to man than a woman who possesses an ability to charm a man with her speech. In spite of the fact that not all of them are raving beauties, genteel, Southern women get their way more than any other women on the planet.

What you say is as important as how you say it. Using vulgar, four letter words is something immature boys in elementary school love to do. If you have gotten into the habit of using this kind of language, stop doing it right now. Get your girlfriends to charge you a quarter every time you utter one of these words. It works beautifully. When you get to be an adult, no educated businessman is going to be interested in dating you, much less marrying you, if you have a foul mouth or an unappealing voice tonality. Foul language and bad grammar put you into a lower class.

If you get a chance, read a book called Pygmalion, or watch the old black and white movie of the same name. It is the book upon which the musical and movie My Fair Lady was based. Eliza Doolittle is a street vendor who speaks with a lower class Cockney accent. Perhaps you are familiar with one of the most famous songs from the musical entitled The Rain in Spain. Professor Higgins takes it upon himself to teach Eliza how to correctly pronounce the words Rain, Spain, and Plain with an upper class accent. Had Eliza not learned to pronounce her words properly, the story would not have had such a happy ending. Eliza would have been deposited back into her Cockney neighborhood and left to fend for herself, as best she could, with not a chance in the world of getting out of a life of poverty and toil. It may not seem fair to judge a person by how they speak, but it is impossible to make laws to control people's thoughts. The good side of this is that speaking eloquently and correctly can help a person overcome many other disadvantages and flaws, including birth and circumstances.

Many teens have a poorer command of the English language than people who have just immigrated to the United States. What these teens don't realize, is that bad habits are hard to break. When the day comes for them to be as attractive as possible to the brightest and best of men, they may well find themselves to be the losers.

If you say the word "like" in every single phrase you use, even if your friends use this word widely, you are crippling your future. You are developing a habit that will have an affect on how people perceive you. Others may view you as being limited in your language ability and therefore, not very bright.

Poor language skills will limit your prospects of becoming a television announcer, a radio host, or any kind of a public speaker. It's a habit that you could easily pass on to your children, which will, in turn, cripple their chances of success as adults.

Those who settle into bad language habits will limit their possibilities not only in the business world, but with prospective husbands. Even though a man may first judge you by appearance, what comes out of your mouth will eventually carry more weight. Taking pride in how you speak is as important as doing the best you can with your physical appearance.

I once heard about a blind, beauty contestant judge. You probably wonder how she could possibly judge beauty. It is because a contestant's vocal presence can make or break her chances of winning. Yes, it's that important.

A beautiful voice and personality can make a woman appear beautiful to others her entire life, regardless of what toll time takes on her face and body.

Years ago, a certain English speaking contestant in a Miss Universe contest seemed very beautiful, until the host started asking her questions, and she opened her mouth, dashing any chance she had of winning. In the end, the contestant who did win, possessed a certain poise, as well as a superior command of the English language. With her flawless verbal skills, she was able to perfectly articulate her ideas. Ironically, she wasn't from an English speaking country. I was very disappointed in the girl who had been my favorite, when I realized that she had stupidly handicapped herself with her casual and unsophisticated language skills.

There is an ongoing trend among women to make their voices sound deep and throaty. This is another way that women have made themselves more masculine. Your voice should come from the area behind your mouth and nose, not your throat. It should convey a kind and gentle tone.

Your laugh is another aspect of voice tonality that you shouldn't overlook. If you have ever been told that you have a weird laugh, you may want to use a recorder and listen to it yourself. They may be right. Some girls cackle like witches. Others sound as if they belong in a zoo. It's not hard to retrain your laugh. You may need to tone it down.

One thing that drives boys crazy is mindless chit chat. They would rather have a girl be silent than listen to her prattling on about one thing or another. On the other hand, if you are on the brainy side, you don't want to come off sounding like a walking encyclopedia, or smarty pants. Nothing is more tiresome than to hear someone spout one fact after another. The idea is to use your wit and cleverness to draw a boy out in balanced conversation. He will be impressed. Boys want someone who can think and ponder, not just recite facts like a well trained parrot.

Excellent verbal skills can not only lead you to being treated well, they can also help you get out of a difficult circumstance. They can help you let a boy down easily, for instance, without hurting his feelings so much. They can help you draw a shy boy out. They can help you get your point across without any misunderstandings. Expressing yourself in an intelligent manner adds extra luster to the overall impression a boy will have of you. Poor language skills will affect every aspect of your life. Good voice quality and articulate language skills will get you into doors that others may never have a chance to enter.

### Summary and Conclusion

Boys are attracted to girls who are positive, who value themselves, who are virtuous and modest, and who radiate happiness.

Dressing in a feminine manner will make you look and feel better about yourself, and put you more in touch with your own natural femininity.

Boys are also influenced by how you treat others, and are attracted to women who are smart. Beauty is not what you have been given naturally, but what you do with what you have, and boys notice this. They will also be influenced by how you carry yourself, your command of language and your voice tonality.

# Chapter 3 - Boys Come in Many Styles

You may find that you end up dating the same type of boy over and over again. It's only natural for you to be drawn to a person who shares your interest or fits best with your personality. Often, however, girls aren't even aware of why they are attracted to certain boys, and not to others. Some girls are drawn over and over again to boys who are arrogant because they mistake arrogance for confidence. Of course no one can be pegged exactly into one category or another, but if you are able to spot how a boy has certain tendencies it could save you a lot of trouble later on. Pay extra attention to the sections about conceited self- centered boys and boys who can't seem to stay with only one girl. They, along with abusive, controlling boys are the ones you want to avoid.

### The Joker

The Joker is often funny, but disruptive in the classroom. He loves to make everyone laugh and he may very well have enough talent to make a living from his constant clowning around, but when it comes to relating to girls, he is often an emotional cripple (not that there aren't exceptions to this rule). His constant joking around is his way of avoiding reality and intimacy. If you decided to have a relationship with a boy like this, it would be a shallow one at best. Perhaps as he matures, he will be able to turn his clown personality off enough to have a decent relationship with a woman, however, he is a late bloomer and unless he develops a good grasp of reality, he may never grow into a level of maturity that would make him a responsible husband and a decent father. If he does marry, his inability to take on responsibility may land his wife and children in a homeless shelter.

### The Nerd

The nerds are a mixed basket. Some (not all) nerdy boys are so fixated on their computer or other similar activities that their social skills are compromised. This is why teenage girls don't always have much of an interest in these types. Some of them do indeed grow up to be fairly normal functioning adults, but others often have difficulty finding partners even when they are older. Oh, of course some of these computer geeks grow up to become millionaires, but even then, they may, or may not be, well adjusted.

There is one kind of nerd who can make a very interesting boyfriend. He is the bookish nerd with literary talent. He can be a good conversationalist, especially if he is the type who goes out for debate. He is also the type who will look for intellectual qualities in a girl. Of course, if you are a female version of a nerd, then the two of you may get along very nicely.

### The Athlete

When a boy is athletic, this is a natural, healthy state. One thing you can be sure of is that he is not physically lazy. If you are lucky, he will be a well balanced person and have a brain as well. If you don't mind sitting on the sidelines and cheering him on (or as a cheerleader), he can be a very good boyfriend. If you are athletic as well, it makes for a more compatible relationship, especially if the two of you are able to enjoy a sport together, like skiing, or skateboarding. The athletic boy is not usually compatible, nor is he attracted to girls who are quiet bookworms. He wants a girl who is vivacious and energetic. He usually prefers to be with a girl who is not only physically active, but socially active as well.

### The Overachiever

The overachiever is so competitive that he feels he has to be number one in all areas. He not only feels compelled to be good in sports, but make high grades in the classroom as well. His parents usually have big plans for him to attend an expensive college, etc. This isn't all bad, it's just that the overachiever doesn't always have the time or interest to develop a relationship with you. He is too busy attempting to be better than anyone else. He even views other girls as competition.

He may be a millionaire one day, but if he lacks certain social skills and is constantly pushing himself to be better than others, he may very well be a lonely, bachelor millionaire. He could grow up to be the type of man who is afraid that women will marry him only for his money. He may be absolutely right about this. More often than not, it may well be the only thing he has to offer.

### The conceited, self-centered boy

The conceited, self-centered boy thinks he is special and superior to all others. In the 1800's this kind of boy was known as a dandy or a coxcomb. He is obsessed with himself and possesses a confidence that has grown into arrogance. He is like the Greek figure Narcissus, who rejected the affection of another Greek goddess, so that he could spend hours gazing at his own reflection.

He can be very alluring. His self confidence may enable him to attract girls like bees to honey. He may turn the charm on just long enough to convince you how wonderful he is. Although he may not be a physical abuser, if you get too involved with him, you will come away with a sense that you have been swallowed up to feed his giant ego.

Boys have a natural tendency to be selfish, but this kind of boy has an extremely selfish nature. The chances are pretty good that one of his parents told him repeatedly how special he was over and above others. He really does see himself as a kind of god. His superiority complex makes him feel entitled to being worshiped and he often succeeds. In his mind, no one can surpass him.

The problem for girls is that this kind of boy can be difficult to resist. If a person believes himself to be special and better than everyone else, it will not be hard for him to convince others to believe this right along with him. Girls often mistake his sense of superiority for confidence, and may find themselves being seduced into going along with whatever he wants.

When it comes to dealing with others, everything must be done his way or no way. His pleasure is his number one concern. Everything revolves around it. He is somewhat like a baby, who cries or throws a temper tantrum when things don't go his way. He is the kind of boy who may set up a date with you, and then cancel at the last minute because something better has come along. He doesn't have your needs in mind, only his, and if you don't join him in his never ending quest to please himself, you will not be allowed in his life. Dating a boy like this is a no win situation.

### The two timing collector

The two timing collector is a variation of the conceited, self-centered boy. He is dangerous because he doesn't really see girls as people, he sees them as mountains to climb, or trophies to win, and put up on his shelf. He sees you as the next notch in his belt. If a boy has a history of having dated a lot of girls, he is a collector.

Okay, so this guy you're interested in is really, really cute and you are just sure that he's going to leave his other girlfriend any time. After all, everyone thinks that she is a real sour-puss anyway, and he doesn't really seem to be all that interested in her. He's been flirting with you and has let you know that he's interested in getting to know you better. So the question is this: Should you go out with him if he still hasn't broken up with her? The answer is no.

The ways of a two timing boy are very tricky and deceptive. He is really nice to you after all, isn't he? He must really like you, if he's acting so interested, right? This is why it's so difficult to understand where he is coming from. After all, if he's showing an interest in you, he must not like her very much, right? The truth is difficult to understand. It can only be understood by putting yourself in his shoes.

Let's suppose that you really cared about someone's feelings. Would you cheat on that person? Of course you wouldn't, but a two-timing collector does just that. A boy who has more than one steady girlfriend really has only one major love affair going. Is he in love with one girl more than another? No, he is not. The sick truth is that he is in love with himself more than anyone else in the world. That's right. You're not number one and neither is the other girl. At least there's some comfort in knowing that he doesn't like other girls any better than you.

You are a pawn in his little game. This is what he is thinking to himself: "I am so wonderful that I am worthy not just of the love of one girl, but of as many as will have me. They love me so much that they are willing to put up with my cheating."

The more women he can get to adore him, to be part of his little fan club, the more puffed up his ego becomes. Some collectors collect rocks, other collect stamps. He collects girls. It's the worst kind of insensitivity. Collectors are ultimately solitary loners. They really don't truly love anyone. Collecting is a way of temporary gratification.

Where do you and other girls come into the picture? You are adornments to his self proclaimed attractiveness. Absolutely do not lower yourself to go out with this kind of boy, no matter how cute, or sweet, or kind he is to you. Underneath all that charm lies the heart of a slithering snake. He considers himself a conqueror, and you the conquest.

Find a boy who wants to be with you and only you. In the long run, this will keep you from enduring heartache in the years to come. You might as well train yourself now to steer clear of the Mr. Casanova's of the world. These players are really suckers themselves and in the end, no matter how much love is showered on them by the women they snare, it's never enough and they will never really appreciate it. Even in his old age, he won't be thinking about his present wife, if he manages to stay married. Instead in his mind, he'll be fantasizing about how some poor girl (that he probably dumped) adored him so much that she was willing to share him. Instead of feeding off of the adoration, he'll be feeding off the memory.

Girls with low self-esteem tend to fall for collectors. Don't be one of them, no matter how hard it is to resist. Practice rejecting this kind of boy. It would be good for your ego anyway, to know that you dumped a boy who has a reputation for breaking hearts. You don't want to be included on his list, because even after a girl breaks up with a collector, he still sees her as part of his collection and may bring her up in conversation to other boys as one of his conquests. You don't want others to know you as one of his victims.

This is the kind of boy who grows up to get married, divorced, and remarried in between affairs, if he marries at all. Don't allow yourself to be used. It not only hurts to be used by a man like this, once you understand just how much you've been duped, you will feel nothing but revulsion. Let other girls throw themselves at him. You don't need to make the same mistake.

### The one girl at a time collector

There is another type of collector who is in some ways even more dangerous than the two-timing collector. The actions of a two-timing collector are similar to a child who unwraps five sticks of gum and shoves them all into his mouth at once. The one girl at a time collector, is like a person who takes out a fresh piece, tires of it easily, and then quickly goes to the next one and the next one, until he is through with the whole pack in a short amount of time.

At least with the two-timer (or three-timer) you will find out soon enough that he is dating someone else and will be on to his game, but the one girl at a time collector can be very deceptive and tricky to figure out. He, himself, doesn't have that much awareness of his own true nature.

At first, you may feel sorry for him and feel that he has just been unlucky in love. He likely pities himself, but feels that he just hasn't found the right girl yet. You know he's been with several girls, but after all, when he was with them he wasn't seeing anyone else, so he doesn't seem to be a player. He's a player all right. He's just a different kind of player. You may think that the long list of girls he dated in the past just didn't understand him, however with you it's going to be different.

He is like a little boy who at first gets excited when he receives a new toy. He seems to really enjoy it at first, but it doesn't take him long to become bored with it, especially if a new toy comes along. He becomes so interested in the new toy that the old toy gets thrown into a corner, never to be played with again. It will behoove you to find out just how many girls this boy has dumped in the past, and what their experiences were with him. He is the type of boy who eventually finds one excuse or another to break up with a girl. It can be a very minor thing, but he will use whatever it takes to get her out of his life so that he can move on to his next victim. He usually has his next victim lined up before he breaks up so that there won't be a gap in his love life.

### The controlling abuser

The relationship with an abuser often starts out with the boy attempting to sweep you off your feet. He seems very romantic and attentive at first. He may send along flowers and even write you love poems. He may call you every night and tell you how wonderful you are. Once you are hooked by his lines, he then considers you his property. Thus, he feels that he not only has a right to control your every move, but that it must be done in order to maintain control. This is the kind of relationship that you need to get out of sooner, rather than later. The longer you wait the worse it will be.

One of the earliest indicators that a boy is this way occurs when he criticizes even the smallest details regarding your appearance, for example, a hair barrette, or dress. He never seems to be completely happy with the way a girl looks. You should never tolerate this. Nor should you tolerate any boy who calls you degrading names. He is mentally injuring you. Even though you may not see a bump or bruise, it is just as damaging to you as physical abuse.

If a boy shows the slightest tendency towards violence, you must not fail to tell him this: "If you hit me once, our relationship is over." I like to call this "the one hit rule." One hit and he's out. Do not ever, ever, ever under any circumstances make an exception to this rule. If you let a boy get away with hitting you one time, he will hit you again and again. There will be no end to it. After he hits you, he will apologize profusely. He will reuse the same romantic tactics he used at the beginning of the relationship, and then once he's got you hooked again, something, either large or small, will trigger yet another incidence where you are abused.

Being in an abusive relationship is so degrading and demeaning that even if you get out of it in one piece, your self-esteem will take years and years to recover. If he calls you names or degrades you in any way, you must leave him, immediately. There is no cure for the abuser, just like reptiles have primitive brains, this kind of boy is just incapable of changing. He is built this way. He may not even come from an abused home himself, so don't tell yourself that he needs to be pitied. This kind of boy really isn't capable of taking your feelings into consideration. Get away from him.

### The drug user/drinker

One good piece of advice that Cher gave Harriet in the movie Clueless, was not to have anything to do with "Loadies." The problem with the chronic drug using or binge drinking boy is that he is unpredictable. He doesn't seem to have any goals in life except to get as high as he can, as often as he can. He's always looking for his next thrill. He is also the kind of boy who will likely have a drug or drinking problem as an adult. A person who develops an addiction is incapable of seeing what kind of damage he is doing to himself and to others.

Pity the poor girl who ends up in a car crash with a boy who has been drinking. Even if she is lucky enough to come out alive, she may end up paralyzed, or permanently disabled.

Any person who has problems with alcohol or drugs is a person who is not able to control his behavior. He is like a baby who cannot control his bowel movements. You don't need the burden of having to deal with this kind of overgrown infant. Chronic drug users and drinkers are also energy leeches. You may not realize it at the time, but after spending any amount of time with someone who is intoxicated, you will find yourself feeling drained, tired, and will likely require extra sleep just to recover from being around that person.

### The leech

The leech is the type of boy who makes up creative ways to get you to pay the tab at a restaurant. For example, he may pull out a one-hundred-dollar bill and tell you that he doesn't want to break it. Perhaps the two of you just stopped into a Dairy Queen for some ice cream after a movie. In his mind, the tab is just too small to break his large bill. He asks you if you could pay for the ice cream just this one time, but promises that he will pay you back. Don't fall for it. Tell him that you don't have any money. It's no coincidence that he always seems to be out of cash at a crucial time.

He can also be an energy leech. He has a knack for taking you away from an important project, and draining your energy. When you really do have some free time on your hands, strangely, he is nowhere to be found. He already got your best energy that should have gone into completing a book report or some other important endeavor. This kind of boy is worthless. He will grow up to be the type of man who will only be interested in a woman if she makes a good living. He wants someone from whom he can feed. He doesn't really want a wife, he wants a workhorse. He is like the character "Pa Kettle" in Betty McDonald's famous book The Egg and I. The only work Pa Kettle ever did was father Ma Kettle's 14 children.

### The gang member

Girls who have anything to do with violent gang members are asking for trouble. You must understand what boys in gangs really think of women. Being the opposite of chivalrous gentlemen, they use derogatory terms when discussing girls or women. They speak of girls and women as if they are subhuman creatures to be seduced and conquered. To them, girls are nothing but property. Their initiation rites often include trapping a girl, and repeatedly raping her. The mentality of most gangs is a predatory one. They are like wolves or dogs that run in packs. Steer clear.

### The nice guy

The nice guy only has your needs in mind. And do you know what? He is the very type of boy that many girls reject. You may find yourself thinking about how you rejected him years later, and regret that you did not take him seriously. He may not be the most popular boy in school, nor the richest, and he may not be the handsomest either. But he is the kind who will treat you respectfully, not cheat on you, and always be there for you.

He is usually the kind of boy who doesn't get into trouble, has respect for the law, and treats children and animals well. You probably know boys who aren't so nice to animals and couldn't care less about children. A nice boy always shows respect to his elders, especially senior citizens.

One way to tell if a boy is nice, is by the look in his eyes. Are his eyes kind, or do they appear to be cold and calculating? Perhaps his eyes are mischievous. A boy with mischievous eyes is more likely to be a boy who only wants to make trouble and play mind games with you. The eyes are the window to the mind, and it is impossible for a person to lie with his eyes.

Learn to look for a boy with kind eyes. Many girls find this kind of boy boring and instead are drawn to bad boys. This is a bad habit to develop. Girls who only go for the bad boys will one day come to regret this tendency. Dating is like playing musical chairs. If you don't learn how to choose this type of boy when you are a teenager, the day will come when all the chairs are taken, and you will be running around in circles because all the good ones are married.

### The Bold Faced, Lying Trickster

This is the most dangerous of all boy types. He will say anything it takes to trick you into believing one lie after another.

This boy's aim is to gain your confidence, and tricking you into believing that he likes you, and that he is kind when he really has the mind of a monster. He secretly laughs to himself every time he thinks he's getting away with another lie. It's all a game to him.

When you are in his presence, you may find yourself liking him, but you will still feel fear. You may even find yourself wanting to go along with his lies, even though deep down, you know he's not telling you the truth. Don't let your wanting to be with a boy, just to be with a boy get in the way of being with this type. Listen to your fear, and don't ignore the lies. Chances are good that he is older than you, and will find yourself feeling surprised that he likes you. He doesn't like you. Not really. He just wants to use you for a little while, and then dump you. This is the personality of a serial killer, or rapist. If even the tiniest voice in you tells you to run from him, don't brush it off. Get away as fast as you can.

### Summary and Conclusion

Boys come in many styles, including the joker, the nerd, the athlete, the overachiever, the conceited self-centered boy, the two timing collector, the one girl at a time collector, the controlling abuser, the drug user/drinker, the leech, the gang member, the boldfaced lying trickster, and the nice guy. The better you are at recognizing different personality types in boys, the more likely it is that you will be treated well in future relationships.

# Chapter 4 - Getting His Attention

### Flirting

The art of flirting is something that some girls are good at and others have difficulty. If you are really shy, flirting may be hard for you. This is where taking drama classes may come in handy. After all, in every flirt there is a little bit of the actress.

What is the crucial aspect of flirting? A genuine smile and an inner sparkle. A depressed and whiny attitude just doesn't cut it when you are trying to get someone's attention.

Lighthearted compliments are also good. One thing that really gets a boy's attention is friendly teasing. Just be careful that it doesn't go into the malicious zone. Be nice.

You may find yourself being jealous of some girl who really lays on the flattery with boys, but chances are, she's doing better than you in the boy department. Instead of being jealous of her, it might be a good idea to watch her operate. You can learn a lot from a good flirt, and there is no shortage of girls like this in school.

Boys love to hear compliments about their physical strength, or their intellectual accomplishments, as long as the compliments don't sound phony.

One thing you'll notice about a good flirt is that she operates alone. If there is one thing that intimidates boys, it's having to wade through a pack of girls to get to the one he's interested in. When you are in a group with other girls whispering and laughing, boys can't help but wonder if you are saying things about them. This makes them feel very insecure. A boy is taking a big risk to talk to you because if you say no, not only will he feel the sting of rejection, he will feel it in front of your girlfriends, who may not be so kind. If you are attending a dance, you will improve your chances of being asked to dance by standing away from other girls.

### How do I know if a boy likes me or not?

Boys, being the physically orientated beings that they are, often give signals with their body language, and with the actions that they take. Do you notice him making an effort to sit next to you in class? Does he appear out of nowhere in locations where you wouldn't expect him. There is a good chance that he is interested, if he is taking this kind of action. He may steal quick glances at you to see if you are paying any attention.

The big mistake girls of today are making is this: they are becoming the aggressors more often now. They are the ones who often make the effort to sit next to a boy they like, and follow a boy around in their attempts to get his attention. This is bad. It makes girls look like lonely puppies. Your job is to lure, not chase.

If a boy likes you, there is no need to chase him all over the place to find out. He'll let you know. If you give him a signal like a wink or a nod, and he doesn't respond, chances are, he's not interested. If, however, he responds flirtatiously, then you may have a chance.

The important thing is to let it go, if he doesn't respond. Don't make a fool out of yourself by continuing in your attempts to get his attention. Sometimes acting aloof after your first wink or nod, may make him pay attention to you even more. It sends him the message that you will only volunteer so much of yourself, and that you have no desire to waste your time.

### What do I do if he starts showing an interest in someone else?

There's nothing quite like the shock you get when you find out that a boy who has been flirting with you, is now showing interest in someone else. What can you do? He's never asked you out, but you thought that you were getting somewhere with him, and now your expectations have been crushed by this new intruder.

First of all, don't blame her. Jealousy will not accomplish anything. It will show on your face and in your behavior. Everyone will pick up on it. You especially don't want to grow your jealousy into an obsessive hatred. It will do nothing but take up your precious energy which could be spent in better ways.

The worst possible thing you can do is to increase your attention getting behavior. Some girls do stupid things, for example, they'll go out and buy a boy a gift or send him some kind of attention getting letter. It reminds me of my cat. At one moment, she may act totally uninterested in being petted, but when the phone rings, and I get into a telephone conversation, she suddenly gets needy. She lets me know by meowing obnoxiously or running back and forth across the room. Don't be like her.

A boy will pick up on your desperation and may even subconsciously turn up his overt attention towards the other girl just to see you squirm.

This is where good comportment comes in handy. When you are in his presence, keep up your good posture. This shows him that he doesn't turn you into a wet noodle. Secondly, be cordial and friendly, don't let him know that you are put out or upset.

Turn your energy inward and think about the positive things about yourself. Build yourself up and take joy in your strong points. So maybe she's prettier, but you're more fun to be with. In other words, don't spend your precious energy on what's going on outside of yourself. Spend it on soothing your wounds instead. You need to do that in private. Be nice to yourself. When you are in his presence, act as if you are seriously involved in something other than him, whether it's reading a book in the library, or putting on your lipstick next to your locker, or talking to one of your girlfriends.

If you like yourself, he's going to pick up on it and wonder if he's missing something by not being with you.

Just like girls, boys can change their minds at the drop of a hat. It may be that he will never show interest in you again. So what? At least he spared you the time and energy that you would have spent with him had you dated him and then turned his attention to the other girl.

### Big mistakes

If you are interested in a boy and he hasn't yet asked you on a date or for your phone number, don't make the mistake of writing him a mushy note, email, or text message. It's one of the worst things you can do to yourself. The minute you do this, you give up the chase, and consequently, you give up the power. Besides, if you write him a note, who knows how many people may end up seeing that note. It could cause you a great deal of embarrassment.

Another foolish thing some girls do is when they run out and buy a gift for a boy that they are just getting to know. They believe this is a nice gesture, and that the boy will be impressed. This is a big mistake. This is not a good way to get a boy's attention.

By giving him a gift, you have just given up your self respect. Why? He is not a god, and you are not paying homage to him. Don't create the idea in his mind that he is one. This is another foolish way to show that you are interested in him. It's just as bad or worse than giving him a note. It gives him the upper hand, and if you are so naive as to do such a thing, you've already lost him before you've won. Unless you are going steady with a boy, or he is a longtime friend, and you are not romantically involved with him, there is no instance where you should give him any kind of a gift.

Even if you are lucky enough to be asked out after you have made the mistake of giving him a gift or writing him a mushy note, you have taken the mystery out of whether he needs to work to gain your affection and respect. He already knows that you are crazy about him, and because he is human, there is no other way for him to view you than being someone who will do just about anything for him. He will expect you to do his bidding and will naturally take your affection for granted.

The message you are giving him is: I am a sucker for you, and I have such a bad crush on you that I have taken the time, trouble, and money to show you just how crazy I am about you. The same goes for a boy who gives a gift to a girl before he has really established a steady relationship. He is also exposing himself to being hurt.

### Phone etiquette

I have a neighbor with a twelve year old son. Her son is constantly getting calls from girls. He's very cute. Do you have any idea what these dumb girls are doing to his ego? Kevin (that's not his real name) is developing the attitude (through no fault of his own) that he is the kind of boy who can have any girl he wants. How much do you think Kevin really appreciates the girls who throw themselves at him? It's no wonder that girls are becoming more and more desperate.

The women's liberation movement led to a change in how men and women use the phone. Most girls don't realize that women actually took a step backwards. In order to see this, let's go back to what dating was like in the 1800's in the days before the telephone was invented.

The word "calling" did not originate with the phone. American homes were built with what was known as a front parlor. This room was used almost exclusively for receiving guests. Instead of calling people on the phone, visitors came calling and were escorted into the parlor to wait for whomever it was in the house the visitor wished to see. If a girl did not wish to see a gentleman caller (let's say she was in the middle of washing her hair and did not wish to be seen), he would leave behind what was known as a calling card. A girl was not required to respond to the caller at all. It was expected that if he was sincerely interested in her, he would return again and hope to find her at a time that was more convenient for her.

Up until the late 1960's, if a boy wanted a date with a girl, he would call her, and she would tell him either yes or no, depending on whether she liked him or not. He had to make the effort to call her, and he had to risk whether or not she would reject him.

The boy did the pursuing, and the girl did the accepting or rejecting. For him it was a gamble. For her, it was a decision. Since he was the one who had to do the asking, he was the one who was in the more vulnerable position of getting his feelings hurt, if she said no. She was the one who did the favor granting.

The feminist movement, with their message of equality in all matters, ended this old fashioned custom. They felt that girls should be "liberated" to call boys, just as boys had always called girls. As a result, girls are now using the phone to practically hound boys, if they have crushes on them. The boys are becoming very spoiled. It is the girl who is now asking for the favor. The boy is placed into making the lofty decision of whether he will bestow his time with the poor pitiful begging girl on the other end of the line, or tell her to scram.

This stupid trend has made women "equal" all right. Now they are equally placing themselves into the position of being rejected in the same way men were in the past. It is a step down and a big mistake. Girls are making big fools of themselves.

You may think you are increasing your chances of being with a certain boy if you call him. You may even get to go out with him, but if you call a boy even once, he will always know where you stand: at his beck and call.

If a boy doesn't show the initiative to call a girl, his attitude will manifest itself throughout the duration of their relationship. Even if that relationship lasts for a long time, and he professes to care about her, he will always have the upper hand. She will continue to be the one who is in the position of being the favor asker because that is how she first established the relationship. He will never treat her with complete respect. He will always count on her to be the one who makes the effort to be with him and will be right to expect it. By calling him first she automatically sets herself up to be less alluring and desirable.

It will only be a matter of time until a girl he really is crazy about comes along. One thing is certain: that girl will come along. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not the next day, but a new girl will tempt his interest. If the new girl is someone who doesn't call boys, like a puppy who is hungry for affection, she will already be one step ahead and has a much better chance of keeping his admiration and respect.

If girls want to take back their power, they need to stop calling boys. Not calling a boy may not make things equal between the sexes, but it does give girls the upper hand. If you don't call him, and find out that he is not interested enough to call you, you may experience some pain, but it's the least amount of pain you could have experienced. It's much worse to be rejected after you've hounded a boy and made a fool of yourself.

When a boy calls you, always be polite, even if you don't like him and have to tell him "no thanks." Don't be haughty and aloof when you say no. A boy that you may not be interested in today, may catch your interest tomorrow. You don't want to be on record as having been rude to him. There are many ways to tell him that you are not interested: "Sorry, I have other plans." or "I'm not interesting in dating at this time, I hope we can be friends."

### Texting and email etiquette

The Internet and cell phones are technological tools with which girls are making fools of themselves over and over again. No code of conduct has been firmly established to protect girls from getting used, made fun of, and hurt.

Here are some rules you need to follow:

1. Never, never assume that any email or text messages you send, or words you type in a chat room are confidential between you and another person. What you write to one person today, could be all over school within the next twenty-four hours. Consider the internet and cell phones to be like a giant blackboard that anyone can write on, and anyone can read.

2. Never reveal your intimate secrets when texting or emailing, not even to your best friend. Don't write about some boy you are crazy about, unless you want everyone to know about it.

3. Never make fun of another person in an email or in a chat room. Someone may print what you have written out on their own computer and use it to haunt you, even years later.

4. If you strike up a relationship with a boy through the Internet, don't pour your heart out to him. In other words, keep it light. Don't tell him about your personal problems. Don't make a fool of yourself by saying things like I love you, or I think I love you, especially when you have never met him in person.

5. Don't ever get into a sexual conversation with a boy on the Internet. It could be used to ruin your reputation in the future.

6. Don't get involved with someone out of state unless you correspond with him by regular mail as well. There are lots of lunatics out there who are looking to molest young girls, and may pretend that they are someone else in order to gain your trust. Get a boy to write you, and send a picture of himself along with his correct address, before you go any further with him.

7. Consider the Internet the same as a phone when it comes to contacting a boy. It's okay to give a boy you like your email address, but always let him be the first one to email you. The only time you should ever write him is in response to his emails. With cell phones, let him be the first one to text you. There is only one exception to this rule, and that would be if you had to cancel an upcoming date, then it's all right.

### Summary

Flirting comes naturally to some girls, but can be learned by watching others. At its foundation, is a smile and an inner sparkle. Being cordial and friendly will take you a lot farther than being aggressive. There are do's and don'ts to texting and emailing, and there is a certain way to behave when you find out that a boy doesn't like you.

# Chapter 5 - A Ritual of Chivalry

### What is a real date?

Dating is a ritual of chivalry. Its purpose is to show that a boy has a certain intent. It means that he is interested in you and that he is willing to go to the trouble of calling you ahead of time in order to be with you. It also is a way for you to find out if he is the type of boy who is kind, considerate, and treats you with respect.

The definition of dating is clear, however, some girls like to pretend that they are dating someone when they are really not dating at all. When a boy calls you, and casually asks if you can meet him in the park, this is not a date. It still falls under the category of hooking up. It is a sign of a casual relationship which may become more serious as you get older, but it doesn't mean you are officially dating. A date is when a boy arranges a time to pick you up, takes you out, and pays the expenses of the date.

If a boy never gets around to asking a girl out on a date, and instead only wants her to meet him somewhere, he is one of three types: the immature type who has not reached the point where he can handle this ritual, the clueless, unchivalrous boor, who thinks that hooking up with a girl at the mall is the only way to have a relationship, or the conceited boy, who knows that he need not be a chivalrous gentleman. This last kind of boy has found out that some girls, like obedient dogs, are willing to meet him at a location and time of his choosing.

If you are willing to come running when a boy calls you, then expect to be dumped after he is through using you, because it is certain to happen. Why? If a boy is only willing to have a relationship with a girl on his terms, then he doesn't really like her all that much.

If a boy really likes you, then he will follow the time honored tradition of calling you two days in advance for a date. The only exception is if he asks you out for a Saturday night date when you are with him on Friday night.

Why is it so important to expect a boy to follow the traditional dating ritual? The reason is that you never want to be like the many desperate women of my generation who have gotten used to being a selfish man's last minute arrangement. If you never want the thrill of knowing what it feels like to have a boy come to your door to take you out, or you don't think you are worth having a boy go to all the trouble of having to meet your parents, or earn enough money to pay your expenses on a date, then you might as well skip the rest of this chapter.

### Anatomy of a Date

No two dates are the same, but all dates have a few things in common. There are some guidelines which hold true, no matter what the circumstances.

Your appearance

First of all, your appearance is the first impression you make on him. How you dress depends upon where you are going. If he has invited you to a picnic, and the weather is warm, then shorts and a summer top are acceptable. If you are going roller skating, then pants or shorts are appropriate. If you are going out on a date where you will not be participating in any sports, then use it as an opportunity to dress in a feminine manner. That means a dress. A first date is not the time to dress provocatively in a low cut dress. A skirt is okay as long as it's not too short. If it is, it can send him the wrong message. You don't want to overexpose yourself.

Nor should you do anything too out of the ordinary with your hair. The only exception for this is if it's a formal date like a prom or another kind of dance. There is no need to load extra makeup on either.

If you are going out with a boy who is close to your height, don't wear shoes with very high heels. It's not a good idea to make yourself as tall or taller than he is, if you can help it.

Whatever you do, don't dress in drab colors. Even if it's a date where you will be doing something sporty, you still need to make yourself attractive with pastels or bright colors.

### When he picks you up

He should come to your front door to get you. When a boy honks his horn outside your house, and expects you to come running, this is an indication that he is lower class and has no manners.

It is also a sign that he does not have much respect for you or for women in general. If he really likes you, and he is a gentleman, he's going to start the date in the proper way.

It's okay to allow a member of your family to answer the door for you when he arrives, but don't make him wait too long. You are putting him in the position of making small talk with your parents and this may be difficult for him, especially on a first date. Otherwise, making a slightly delayed entrance is a well known strategy. Southern women have been doing it for generations. It doesn't hurt to make him wait for you a little bit, especially if your entrance is impressive, and your appearance makes him forget the discomfort he felt while waiting for you.

Let him know that you are glad to see him. When you get ready to leave, let him open the front door for you and give him a chance to open a car door for you, as well. When you get into the car, sit down in the seat first, then swing your legs into the car (make sure to keep your knees together). In other words, don't put your feet in first and then plop your bottom down. Your modesty and ladylike body movements will make a positive impression on him. He will be more likely to show you respect and consideration. As well, this compels him to be more protective of your safety.

If your parents didn't already inform him, let him know right away what time you are expected to return home. It's important to make things clear to him at the beginning. This will save you from having any misunderstanding when it's time for him to take you back home. It also lets him know that you have limits that are important to you.

### Where is he taking you?

He should have plans to take you out to a movie, a party, or out to dinner. At least, that's how first dates ought to be conducted. If he comes to your house and takes you to a baseball game, especially if you aren't interested at all in baseball, then he is the kind of boy who has only his own interests at heart. Even if he is the pitcher on the high school baseball team, he still needs to show you some respect and take you somewhere that you would enjoy.

If he really does care about what you might like, he has probably dwelled for hours on where he is going to take you, and what you are going to do. Don't start in with an agenda of your own. This is a situation where it's okay to let him run the show, with one exception: if he specifically told you that he was going to take you out to eat, and then to a movie, and then tells you that there is a change of plan, your danger antenna should go up immediately.

Let's say he's a real smooth talker, and tells you that he would like to take you back to his house where you two could be alone because his parents are out for the evening. He has just double crossed you. Don't fall for it. Get him to take you home immediately. This is a circumstance that you need to get out of sooner, rather than later. If you have to, call your parents. When a boy is dishonest, this is a very bad sign. He doesn't care about you, he just wants to carry out his plan, and that plan likely means taking advantage of you.

### Getting out of the car

When you arrive at your destination, wait in the car, and see if he comes around to open the door. If he is a gentleman, he will. You need not always do this once you get to know him, but on a first date, it's nice, and it shows him that you are worth being treated well.

Why you should let a boy pay

Boys need to have their own sense of self worth when they take a girl out on a date. One thing you do by splitting the bill with him is to take that away. You make him feel worthless. Of course, if he is just a friend, that's different and means that you are not really on a date.

If you want to be the kind of woman who splits the cost of a date in half, you will also be the kind of woman that finds herself having to pay her share of the household expenses after marriage.

Don't buy into the feminist argument that it's unfair for a boy not to pay for a meal. Not letting a boy pay your half of the tab is a way of minimizing his masculinity. In addition, you are robbing him of an opportunity to show you how much he likes you. Boys like to be able to impress a girl. Paying for the restaurant tab is one of the ways in which they do it. My high school boyfriend used the money that he earned from his summer job to take me out during the school year. He had no qualms about this whatsoever.

Letting him pay also gives him a message that you cannot be taken for granted. By allowing him to be responsible for paying the expense of the date, you are also encouraging him to become the kind of man who will be proud of being responsible for taking care of his wife and children.

The only exception to this rule is when you are with a boy whom you consider a friend, more than a romantic interest. In that case, offering to pay your half prevents him from getting any ideas that there is a chance that he could one day be your boyfriend.

### Restaurant manners

Allow him to choose where you are going to sit. Boys can be very picky about their seating location. They sometimes like to sit at a table where they can catch the waiter's eye. When you order off a menu, never order the most expensive meal, or even a higher priced meal. This is in bad taste, and it gives him the message that you are using him for everything he's worth. Remember, you aren't going to offer to pay for the meal. You want to give him the chance to be a man, not a meal ticket. Don't go overboard on ordering soft drinks either. One is enough.

Don't just order a salad either. Boy's don't like to see skimpy, picky eaters when they've taken the trouble to take you out. One thing that is especially annoying is a girl who orders a salad, and then rounds out her meal by picking at her date's fries. It is also a sign of immaturity.

Make sure you eat most of what's on your plate. It's insulting to him, if you order a plate of food and then pick at it.

If the waiter or waitress goofs up on your order, don't whine or complain. People make mistakes. Just say what is wrong in a pleasant manner.

Sit up straight at the table. Don't lean over too closely in his direction and don't wave your hands all over the place. If you are prone to fidgeting, it's best to keep your hands under the table when you are not using them to drink or eat.

Keep the conversation light, but don't get too goofy or silly. Boys aren't as given to talking as girls. Sometimes you will need to be the one who is responsible for keeping the conversation going, but if you get too chatty with trivial little stories, it can be annoying to any boy. One thing that really annoys boys is when you talk about your weight or dieting. Steer clear of this subject. Obsessing about food makes you appear to be mentally unbalanced. Other subjects you should avoid talking about are your anatomy and bodily functions. Don't talk about your breasts or derriere as if they were the mechanical parts of a car. It's just as unmannerly and vulgar as a boy who sees nothing wrong with discussing his penis. A woman who has the bad taste to do this has instantly lowered herself in a man's eyes.

With the exception of a quick, discreet application of lipstick, excuse yourself to the lady's room if you need to fix your hair or makeup.

### At the movies

If he takes you to a movie, let him pick which movie you will attend. It may end up being some kind of action thriller that doesn't really interest you, but unless he asks you what you would like to see, just go along with his decision.

It is his prerogative to ask you if you want something from the movie concession stand. Don't complain if he doesn't offer to buy you a soft drink, candy, or popcorn. This could cause him a great deal of embarrassment if it happens that he doesn't have enough money. If he does offer to buy you something, don't go overboard in either price or quantity.

If he puts his arm around you and you are comfortable with this, it's okay. If he is really romantic, he will hold hands with you first. If he doesn't do either, it doesn't mean he doesn't like you. It could just be his style. Don't be aggressive and take his hand. Let him make the first move.

Kissing in a movie theater is not appropriate for a first date. This is a time to show restraint. Just sweetly tell him that you would rather just hold hands with him. This way, you are setting limits, but you are still telling him that you like him. You can reject him nicely without making him mad by saying things like: "I like you, but I'm just not ready to kiss you. I just want to hold hands."

If he gets too carried away and won't do as you ask, get up out of your chair. It's okay to let him know that you are not going to put up with his not respecting your wishes. This also gives him the message that you will not tolerate being used or pushed around. It is a sticky situation, but he has no right to get heavy with you against your will. A boy like this isn't taking your needs and wishes into consideration. It's a sign that he's selfish if he doesn't back off. You will have regrets if you don't set boundaries for yourself.

### The value of saying no

Imagine that you've just been asked out on a date with the best looking, most popular boy in school. Even your mother is excited because she knows he comes from a good family and has all the right credentials.

It is the night of the date. He drives to your house in his late model sports car, knocks on your door, and comes in. When he is greeted by you and your parents, he is very polite and respectful of your parents.

Once the two of you say your good-byes and leave the house, he takes you to a nice restaurant, and then, maybe to a movie, or to visit some friends. Everything goes well until, one way or another, you find yourself alone with him. He starts to kiss you, and before you know it, he wants to touch you everywhere, and I mean everywhere.

What should you be thinking at this moment? Should you say to yourself, "well, he is the most popular boy, and if he's done this with other girls, then it's all right if he does it with me." Or, if you start to feel afraid, do you think: "I'm scared, but I'm afraid to make him stop because then he might never ask me out again.

Chances are that he's so used to getting his way with other girls that he's not expecting you do anything except whatever he wants you to do, because, after all, he's the most popular boy in school. If you refuse, chances are also good that he won't ever ask you out again. But he's the most popular boy in class, and you really do want to please him. This is where you need to muster up all the courage you have, and say no—no way, no how, not here, not now.

What happens as a result may surprise you. He may be decent about it, and ask you out again. But if he is not, and he never asks you out again, really, how terrible would that be?

By saying no, you will reap some benefits that you would have never gotten had you said yes. First of all, he'll respect you, whether he wants to admit it or not. Secondly, you will have found out what his true agenda was in asking you out in the first place. Even if you had said yes, and this was his agenda, you would still have found him out, after he tired of you, and moved on to the next girl, but by then, you would have suffered knowing that he had just used you to satisfy his own sexual desires. You will find out more details about the value of saying no in the matter of sex in Chapter Eight, but suffice it to say that in the long run, you will be much further ahead when you say no.

Ultimately, you must ask yourself, what kind of boy would ask me out and then become angry when he is not allowed to touch me anyway he wishes? He is selfish, and sees himself above you. And he definitely does not respect you. So when a boy asks you to do something like perform oral sex on him, you say no, and he never asks you out again, don't be sorry.

Resisting a boy's advances beyond kissing and hand holding, serves several purposes. He will respect you. If he never calls you again, you will know for sure that he only wanted to date you for one reason: to take advantage of you. There is nothing worse than giving in to someone and then finding out later that you were used. It is better to find out his agenda early on, rather than too late. You will have saved yourself some heartbreak and damage to your self-esteem.

### The end of a date

Make sure he is aware of what time you need to be home. If he seems to be ignoring this and wants to keep you out just a little longer, this is a bad sign. It means he doesn't respect the limits that you or your parents set. You may have to get stern with him. If it looks like he's not going to listen to you, this is a good reason to call your parents or a friend. Fortunately, the chances of this happening are slim, but nevertheless, you need to be prepared.

If he has taken you to a dance, and you've found yourself wanting to flirt with another boy, you still need to show your date respect and let him be the one to take you home. You don't need to establish yourself as a user and a heartbreaker by not doing this. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. Not complying with your wishes to get you home on time is one. Nor should you feel obligated to let him take you home, if he has mistreated you.

Going without kissing the entire date and working your way up to a good night kiss can be very exciting. That is, if you like him enough to let him kiss you. Let him make the first move. You don't want to end the date by throwing yourself at him.

Tell him that you had a nice time, and thank him for taking you out. Showing appreciation is how you hold up your end of the bargain. Don't ask him when he's going to call you again. If he likes you, he'll call.

### Disaster prevention

You have no business going out with a boy whom you don't really like. If you are going out with someone because you are bored, and have nothing better to do, or you are dating one boy in order to gain the interest of another, you are a fraud and a phony. You are also a user. Don't ever do this. Another reason you shouldn't go out with someone you don't really like, is that it could be dangerous. You need to follow your gut feelings about someone. Your instinct may be telling you that he makes you feel uneasy for a reason. If you are the least bit afraid of a boy, don't accept a date. Your fears are probably well founded.

Don't go out with someone just because he's popular. This should not get in the way of your decision as to whether or not you really like him.

One thing some girls don't understand is the value of being modest. Modesty plays a very important role in how a boy perceives you on a date. One thing that can really get you into trouble, is if you behave in a flirtatious and overtly sexual manner the entire evening. When a girl behaves like this, she is giving a boy the message that she intends to offer herself sexually before the evening is over. If she rejects his advances after provoking him the entire evening, she is thought of as a tease. This is one of those facts of life that mothers don't always share with their daughters, but is a must know for all girls. A boy's feelings shouldn't be toyed with in this manner, and with certain boys, this kind of behavior could lead to rape (see more about date rape in Chapter Ten).

### Summary

Dating and hooking up are not the same thing. Dating is a ritual of chivalry, and there are certain do's and don'ts relating to this ritual. It means that a boy picks you up at your home, and treats you with respect. There are certain ways to behave at a restaurant and in a movie theatre, and there are certain ways to behave at the end of a date.

# Chapter 6 - Going Steady

### Old fashioned advice

When two people first get together everything seems perfect, but as time goes on a couple gets to know one another's flaws. What can you do? First of all, you can't control him. Boys do not come with a remote control device. This means, you can only control yourself.

There is one very important concept that you need to understand, but it's not something that is easy to grasp. There are many grown women who still don't understand what I am talking about.

It's an old fashioned way of thinking, but it's been tried and true over thousands of years. Think very carefully about what I am about to tell you. What is the concept? You should always be his sunshine, the light of his life. To give you a deeper explanation, you need to understand the fundamentals of male-female relationships in the course of history.

As you may already know, in primitive times, women gathered food, but stayed near the hearth, whether it was permanently established or a nomad campground. While women stayed back with the children, men went out and hunted.

This arrangement automatically put women at the central location from which men operated. Mens' activities took place mostly on the outside, whether it was out in the fields hunting or on the borders guarding the campground from outside invaders. Not only were women and children physically located in the center, they were the central reason for men's activities. In other words, the focus of mens' lives revolved around the ever vigilant task of protecting and feeding the women and children of the tribe. Women provided the sunshine while men and children thrived in the glow of their light.

This continues today. Although there are always exceptions to this rule, men don't invent and build things just to please themselves. Most everything they do is to make life better for the women in their lives.

Only one person can be the sunshine and it should never be a boy. This is a sick plan. It only creates conceited boys who demand to be treated like gods and expect girls to be slaves. If you allow this to happen, you will become a slave. Don't do it. Let him be like a planet that revolves around the sun. Even if a man and a woman think that everything can be equal and both start out as planets, one always emerges as the sunshine.

This doesn't mean you have the right to be dominating or bossy. It is still natural to let him take the lead, as long as he is not infringing on your comfort or needs. Most boys want to make you happy, and they will go out of their way to do so. If you shine brightly, they will do almost anything you ask. Let them. It makes them feel good.

### Maintain control of yourself

One way of losing your sunshine status is to behave like a clinging vine. Clinging vines can often strangle another plant if they get their way. Keep yourself from hanging all over him.

Many boys have broken up with girls that they really liked, at first, only to be turned off by a clinging vine. Remember your comportment and poise. Keep it up no matter how long you've been dating. Be a queen, not a rag doll. It will keep him on his toes.

If you have bossy tendencies, reign them in. If you have a tendency to whine and complain, try to restrain yourself. He may be sympathetic to your complaining at first, but after a while, he will grow annoyed and tired of it.

If you never grew out of throwing temper tantrums, it could spell trouble for you in a relationship. Boys don't like spoiled brats, who have fits if they don't get their way.

Don't shadow his activities. A boy will take you for granted if you show up at sports events and the like, just to be near him. An even worse thing you can do is spy on him, when you don't have a good reason. He could be very annoyed with you if he finds out. He may think you don't trust him, or that you are turning into a female stalker.

Always keep his confidences. Don't go blabbing his secrets to anyone, not even to your best friend. You could be the one, who ends up suffering the most from this kind of betrayal. Boys have been known to break up with girls for this reason alone.

### Gift giving

Even after you've developed a steady relationship, you still don't want to go overboard in gift giving. There are some legitimate reasons to make or give him something, and you should only give him gifts on those occasions. For instance, birthdays are legitimate reasons, and Christmas gifts are also appropriate with a steady beau. Graduation is another appropriate reason.

There really isn't any other reason to buy him a gift, with one exception. If he has been hospitalized, and you are visiting him after a car accident, or an illness, you may comfortably give him a gift.

Relationships don't always work out. You don't want to come away from a relationship having given him a long list of gifts. It will make you mad at yourself that you ever gave him anything, and you will feel very foolish.

Inappropriate gift giving is one of the many ways you can degrade yourself. Many women, who made this mistake when they were young, now feel foolish about having done so.

### Love letters

Let him be the first one to send you a text message, or email, or that fading way of corresponding, the hand written letter. If he does text or write you, and you want to respond, restrain yourself from getting too silly. Keep your responses sincere, but light, and wait until the relationship has matured a little before you get too serious. You can be sweet and sincere without pouring your heart out. You don't want to be surprised with a breakup down the road, and come to realize that he has some embarrassing written material in his possession.

Seeing other boys may cause problems

If you really like a boy, and he has started calling you for dates on a regular basis, don't be tempted to hook up with or date someone else on the side. It could jeopardize your relationship. Gossip among boys gets around quickly, and your actions may come back to haunt you. It isn't good for your reputation, either.

### Summary

When you are going steady with a boy, your aim is to be his sunshine, while letting him revolve around you like a planet. Maintaining control over yourself plays an important role in the relationship, and there are do's and don'ts to follow if you want to avoid a break up.

# Chapter 7 - Breaking Up is Hard to Do

When a relationship gets to a point where you give more than you receive, it is not healthy to continue it. For instance, you may find yourself having to forgive him for mistreating you. He may have stood you up more than once. Even if a boy stands you up one time, he'd better have a really good reason. Otherwise, it shows that he is already taking you for granted. Chances are good that if he stands you up once, he'll do it again. If he talks about you behind your back one time, he'll do it again. Don't put up with any kind of mistreatment. If you do, it means that you may grow up to become the kind of woman who will tolerate abuse as an adult.

Don't stay with a boy just because he's popular. If you are really sick of him, make a clean break. You might be surprised at who might be around the corner waiting for you.

Don't wait until you have lined up another boy, before you break up with your present boyfriend. This is a sign of a very insecure person, and it also means that you are using him out of convenience. This is just like the "one girl at a time collector" I mentioned earlier.

You don't have to provide him with a gigantic reason to break up. The problem is how to do it. It all depends on the boy and your relationship. Some boys need to be let down easily, and others can be told off.

For the ones who need to be told off because they haven't treated you well, and you are fed up with such treatment, all you have to do is point out the particular incidents to them which offended you.

If a boy tries to tell you that he will change, etc., there is a simple answer to his pathetic pleas to get you back. Just say "I'm sorry, but I've been hurt enough already by your behavior. I have reached the point where I won't put up with it ever again. Period." There is no need to call him names. Just simply and clearly tell him that you won't allow him to treat you the way he treated you. If you don't have the courage to tell him in person, you can write him what is known as a "Dear John" letter. That term was coined for the many letters soldiers received, who were fighting abroad, and their girlfriends decided to marry someone back home. It's a way of telling him in writing. Don't tell him with a text message or an email. This is crass and insensitive. Only a letter will do.

For a boy who needs to be let down gently, a good way of letting him down is to tell him that he is a nice person, but that you feel that you just can't honestly give him the loyalty and love that he deserves. When someone is nice (but may be boring or something else that turns you off), don't drag out the process, or string him along because you want to wait to break up with him when it's convenient for you—for instance: if you need a date for the next dance. This is a mean and selfish thing to do.

### When he is the one who wants to break up with you

The important thing to realize is that being rejected happens to everyone. Even the most famous and beautiful celebrities have experienced rejection. You must turn your energy inward and console yourself with positive thoughts and actions.

A boy may break up with you for no other reason than the fact that he is immature, and can't yet see that you are a wonderful person. The same goes for girls who stupidly break up with nice guys.

If he doesn't call for a couple of weeks, consider him missing in action and prepare for the worst. Don't call him to find out what went wrong. The worst thing you can do is mope around and wait by the phone. If you don't give in to an urge to call him, you will be able to congratulate yourself one day when you look back on everything and be thankful that you didn't make a sappy, desperate fool of yourself. Mentally prepare yourself to act aloof and nonchalant if you see him in public with another girl. Don't let him see that you care one bit.

There's nothing a boy enjoys more than knowing he still gets to you. Some grown men actually lead women on, only to dump them and watch them squirm. They actually feed off the attention that broken hearted women give them, or they are like rock stars, who become addicted to having girls fawn all over them.

This is not a time to become self destructive. Some girls turn on themselves by cutting off all their hair after a breakup. Although they may luck out and look even prettier with short hair, others regret the moment of despair when they stood in front of the mirror and started chopping.

When someone rejects you, it's normal to experience a grief period. You may want to spend some time alone, but don't allow yourself to turn bitter. If you allow this to happen, your bitterness will eventually become a natural way of dealing with rejection as you become older. And it will eventually carve itself into your personality and your appearance.

Don't create your own personal ghost version of him. In other words, don't fantasize that he will come back to you one day, that he really still does love you, but he just can't come to terms with his true feelings. Clean him out of your mind. Don't be like Miss Havisham in Charles Dickens' "Great Expectations," who sat for years in her wedding dress. You may already know the story of Miss Havisham from the updated movie version with Gwyneth Paltrow. In the book, Miss Havisham was a pathetic and truly selfish character, who was wrapped up in her own sorrow for having been rejected at the altar. If you do something like this, you are creating your own sick expectations. You are also closing off the possibility of a brand new chivalrous prince coming along in your future.

Sometimes a breakup is complicated by who he starts dating after you. A boy may turn his affections away from you only to focus on your best friend, and your best friend may accommodate him. Whatever you do, try not to hold this against your friend. She may have done nothing unusual to attract his attention. It could have been entirely the boy's decision. This very thing happened to me. I never held it against my friend. Her friendship was too valuable to me. I was very sad about it, but my relationship with her did not miss a beat, and I received another benefit from not having gotten mad at her. I don't have to live with the memory of having behaved in an immature manner. Furthermore, an interesting thing happened, after the breakup. Later that year, the same boy became interested in me all over again. Fortunately, his advances didn't influence me a bit. My indifferent behavior toward him was such sweet revenge. Sometimes you have to bide your time before things play out.

In the meantime, if you face the possibility of running into him on a daily basis at school, and you aren't comfortable about having to talk to him, there are four different ways you can handle yourself when you encounter him. The first way is to completely ignore him. Don't even look in his direction. The second way is that you can look in his direction, but not directly at him, instead you look past him. This is a good way to build your self esteem and let him know that to you, he is invisible. The third way is to smile and walk past him. The fourth is to simply say hello, then go your own way. Whatever you do, always maintain your poise. Instead of thinking about him, make your brain think good things about yourself. In other words, focus your energy inward, on you, not on him.

There is a strange phenomenon that happens to everyone who is rejected by a lover. The next time they fall in love, it's always better than the last time. I can't explain it. I don't know why it happens. It just does. Every time I've started a new relationship, I've ended up with a more wonderful man than the last one. By the time you meet the man who will become your husband, you may not only end up with a Mr. Right, but a man who is more wonderful than you could ever have imagined as a teenager.

There are many things you can do to comfort yourself in positive ways when a boy breaks up with you. Take long bubble baths, do your nails, give yourself facials, or spend time with your friends.

A word of caution about being with friends. Try to be cheerful when you are around them. Let them lift you up, but don't force them to haul you up. Try not to mope around them, because all you'll do is bring them down to your level of unhappiness. It isn't fair to them. When you are with them, act as if you are having fun, and you may well find yourself genuinely having fun in spite of yourself.

Life is a long road. There are many twists and turns. One day you will probably look back and realize that there was a lesson to be learned from the break up. Perhaps the boy had a good reason to break up with you. Maybe you really were a jerk, and you will have learned from your mistakes. Maybe he was really a jerk, and you will look back, and be very thankful that you didn't waste more time with him. Either way, you will have taken another step towards maturity and adulthood.

### Getting rid of a stalker

If you have made it clear to a boy that you no longer want to see him, and he just won't let go, you need to take this problem seriously. If he just calls one or two more times to see if you've changed your mind, that's okay, but if he keeps calling or showing up wherever you go, it's time to take action. Taking action sooner is better than later. So, you must act as quickly as you possibly can.

Start writing down every time he calls you. Include dates and details of the contact circumstances. Along with this, you must immediately tell your parents. They need to know. They can have a talk with the boy's parents or school counselor, who in turn, can deal with it on a different level. The more people who know about it, the better. A boy is going to be less likely to try something destructive, if he knows that others are aware of his actions.

There are things you can do for yourself, as well. Sometimes you might have to take drastic measures. One way is to make yourself as unattractive as possible to him.

There is a famous murder case in which a husband ended up viciously murdering his ex-wife and her boyfriend. Perhaps, if she had stopped dying her hair blond, cut it short and always made herself look dumpy whenever he came to get their children for visitation, she may very well have protected herself from what eventually happened. This is an extreme measure, but sometimes your life is more important than your vanity. Switching out your contacts and going back to your glasses, not wearing any makeup when you know you might come in contact with him, and dressing yourself in drab, dull colored clothing is a good start.

Your parents may end up having to contact law enforcement authorities, if he continues in his pursuit. This is the ultimate final step and may be necessary to save your life.

### Summary

There are many reasons that cause break ups, but basically, when a relationship gets to a point where you give more than you receive, it's not healthy to continue it. However, there are wise and unwise ways to deal with a boy who can't let go of the relationship.

# Chapter 8 - Important Advice

### Don't be a goat

Have you ever been to a goat farm? Goats have a natural tendency to follow their human caretakers around wherever they go. No matter where their human leader goes, they go. When other people suggest that you follow their lead, do you behave like a goat? Do you feel that whatever everyone else is doing, you must do it too, regardless of whether it feels wrong, or regardless of whether or not your parents tell you it's wrong? Most teenagers behave like goats. They are big time conformists and trend followers. This can be good or bad, depending upon what trend they are following.

The problem is that we are living in a time when there are a lot of bad trends being followed by stupid goats. In the name of being accepted, or fitting in, girls are jeopardizing their futures as wives and mothers. Teenagers are contracting diseases through sexual contact and kissing in epidemic proportions. These are the consequences of teenagers who act like goats.

The truth is that there are many formerly trendy adults out there with genital herpes and lung cancer from smoking. There are many formerly trendy adults sitting in wheel chairs, after getting drunk, and attempting to drive a car, or those who are attempting to have their tattoos removed with laser surgery and finding out that their skin will still be permanently scarred for the rest of their lives. These adults all have something in common. They all behaved like goats as teenagers. They followed their peers down the road of misfortune. When you are told by the adult world that certain behaviors are dangerous, believe them.

They aren't warning you about certain behavior just to spoil your fun. Adults have done some really stupid things themselves and have also lived long enough to witness the consequences of foolish behavior.

Teenagers have this irresistible urge to rebel against whatever their parents tell them. A little rebellion is a good thing, but when you are rebelling by doing stupid things to yourself, you are "cutting off your own nose to spite your face."

You should be like an independent cat. Cats follow their instinct and have a way of staying out of trouble. When they sense danger, they run. That's how you need to be. If something feels uncomfortable to you, run. Run as fast as you can. Don't be a stupid goat.

Learn to listen to your inner voice. It will tell you what's right and wrong.

If you feel that you absolutely have to do what others are doing, and that they will make fun of you for not joining them, then you don't think very well of yourself. Put yourself first. You may be surprised, and find out that they will have more respect for you, if you stick to your own wishes.

In any case, if you are hanging around with kids who are doing self destructive things, then maybe it's time to break off your relationship with them and find new friends. If you really are just as foolish as they, then you may well end up suffering a lifetime for your behavior, and it will all be in the name of fitting in. When you read Chapter Nine, you will learn more specifically about different kinds of self destructive behavior.

### Develop social skills

One mistake parents make in preparing their daughters for the future is to convince them of the importance of book learning, but completely neglect the importance of social skills.

Knowledge is power and the smarter you are, the better prepared you are going to be for the future. However, unless your knowledge encompasses knowing how to handle different social situations, you will be put at a disadvantage.

Boys who spend too much time in front of computers are examples of social cripples. They don't always know how to behave around people. This is not as common with girls, but even so, they too are being deprived in larger numbers of the chance to develop knowledge of how to handle social situations.

The following true story is a simple example of why social skills are important. There was a girl who worked in a video store, and while her co-worker helped us set up our new account, the girl, not paying attention, mistakenly took the movie that we were about to rent and placed it back on the shelf.

When the young man was ready to give us the video that we had brought up to the counter, it was nowhere to be seen. He asked her where it was, and she said that she had taken it back to its place on the shelf. It was an innocent enough mistake, and certainly forgivable, but on top of this mistake, she made a much bigger mistake.

While the young man went to get the video back from the shelf, she stood there like a bump on a log, and said nothing. She knew she had caused all of us extra trouble, but did not see fit to apologize to either her co-worker, or us.

Now, here was a girl who wore nice clothes and had a mouthful of expensive braces on her teeth. Her parents cared enough about her appearance to pay for the braces, and yet, they had deprived her of a very important skill: the skill of knowing when to apologize when you have inconvenienced someone. She was an inconsiderate boor.

If a person never learns the simple art of how to be considerate of others, it will socially cripple her. Her parents may spend thousands of dollars on sending her to college, etc., but if she doesn't possess basic social skills, she will be nothing but an educated idiot.

Lessons learned in how to interact with others while you are young, will make a difference in your future. Broaden your social acquaintances to include more than just your own peer group. For example, don't shy away from visiting little old ladies and having tea with them. Get your parents to let you attend dances and join school clubs. Church youth groups are a great way to meet people and develop your social skills. Volunteer work is also a good way to get yourself out there and develop sensitivity towards the needs and feelings of others. Don't sit out there on the sidelines. If you do, you are missing out on a very important part of your education.

One hundred years ago, a young woman's training was not complete without being given knowledge of social graces. She was taught a range of social skills that included proper manners.

Why is it so important to possess good manners? It will determine so many things, including what kind of boy you will attract now, or what kind of man you will attract in the future.

You may feel comfortable with the friends you have at your school and in your neighborhood, and that is fine. However, if you have dreams of ever living elsewhere, good manners will enable you to feel comfortable in the most foreign of situations. Good manners are universal and having them means that you won't feel awkward, ignorant, and out of place when you meet and socialize with people, who may come from different backgrounds than your own.

Get together with your girlfriends and watch old black and white movies from the 1930's and 1940's when social graces in movies were displayed more often.

### Develop your talents

Boys love to brag about how their girlfriends can sing, or how well they can dance. Just as you are attracted to boys who strive to be the best in whatever they do, boys are attracted to girls who work hard to develop their skills and talents.

No one is attracted to a lazy sloth who sits in front of the television all summer and won't go outside for walks or some kind of exercise. Even toning your body is an admirable accomplishment, if you do nothing else in your spare time.

Girls who work hard at something also tend to have better attitudes. It is a good way to fight off depression, which seems to go hand in hand with laziness.

### Don't worry so much about being popular

What are your feelings about those who are popular? Do you envy these people? Do you hate them? Are you dying to be one of them? Life is full of hierarchies. This is when certain animals in a group dominate over others and create an animal pecking order. Some girls seem to have it all. They're cute and they have great personalities. It doesn't seem fair.

Do you know people who run around with more popular cliques, and they deliberately snub others? There is a secret you should know about these kind of people. They have a deep down insecurity within themselves. They value their membership in their group so much that they think that they have to snub others in order to hang on to their status and make sure that they fit in.

Truly confident and secure people are not afraid of making friends outside of their own little cliques. They are secure enough in themselves to not be worried about what others think of them. They are also not slaves to their own group. Instead, they are true to themselves.

People who never venture outside of their own group are like white people once were in the South when segregation was alive and well. They kept themselves separate and apart from black people in order to feel superior. History will not look kindly on these people. They will be made to look foolish over and over again in book after book and movie after movie. Their behavior will continue to be an embarrassment to their descendants for generations to come.

This is why you never need to be jealous of people like this. They will have to live with themselves, because one day, they will come to realize that they treated others with disrespect. A mature and socially adept person is someone who is at ease with many different kinds of people. This is what it means to be worldly, versus those who are nothing but provincial yokels.

It's always better to be with people who share the same interests as you, than it is to try to fit in with a group just because they are considered popular.

Years later, I attended my first high school reunion and was amazed at how different everyone's lives turned out. Some of the popular girls were no longer pretty. One girl's hair had already turned grey and she was only twenty-eight years old. Many of them were already divorced from their first partners. Life is long, and in the grand scheme of things, whether you were popular or not will, one day, be dwarfed by other more important things in your life.

### Be self preserving, not selfish

In church and in school, children are relentlessly taught that to be selfish is wrong, and yet they are also taught that they must value themselves. This is a mixed message. You need to know the difference between the two types of selfishness. Destructive selfishness infringes on others, while self preservation and individual desire are good types of selfishness as long as a person doesn't harm others with his or her actions.

Let's say that a really good friend asks you to help him with his homework, but you have a term paper due. Is it selfish to tell him that you cannot help him because it will cut into the time you allotted to get your paper done? No. You have every right to pursue your individual desire to get your term paper finished. The person who has the gall to ask you to help him, especially when he knows that you need the time to work on your paper is exhibiting destructive selfishness.

Let's also say a friend asks you if they can borrow some money from you. Is it wrong to tell your friend that you can't lend him or her any money? No, not necessarily. You have the right to say no if you wish. It's more likely that the person who has the gall to lay a guilt trip on you if you decide not to lend him or her the money, is the one who is destructively selfish.

Of course there are people in desperate situations, like some poor girl who has had her purse stolen far from home and doesn't have enough money for bus fare. To help her would be the right and compassionate thing to do.

Suppose a boy wants you to attend a party where you know there will be drinking going on and you don't want to go against your parents' wish that you not attend such a party. Are you really destroying the evening by telling him not to take you? No. When a boy dares to put you in such a risky situation, he is the one who is exhibiting destructive selfishness. By saying no, you are exhibiting self preservation.

A person who asks you to do something unreasonable, or against your beliefs, not taking your needs into consideration, is exhibiting destructive selfishness. Ironically, if you don't give energy thieves like this what they want, they like to twist the truth, turn around, and accuse you of being the one who is selfish.

Showing kindness and compassion to someone in need, if you are in a position to do so is fine, but doing so at your own expense can be a way of degrading yourself. People who ask for your help when they know it's a hardship on you, are taking advantage of you. These type of users are losers. Don't pity them.

Some children are so spoiled that they expect their parents to buy them whatever they wish. They make unreasonable demands on their parents and either whine and complain, or throw temper tantrums if they don't get what they want. The parents of these types of children have created selfish monsters who will continue to expect society to provide for them.

Expecting others to do things for you is a classic definition of destructive selfishness. Taking care of your own needs and minding your own business are acts of self preservation.

You have the right to spend your own allowance without having to share it with others. In addition, you also have the responsibility to keep yourself away from dangerous situations. These are both examples of what it means to exhibit self preservation.

There is nothing wrong with attending to your own needs and desires as long as your actions don't result in harm to others. Looking after your precious self is your duty to the rest of the world.

My cat is a great example of why looking after yourself is good for everyone. She is the least troublesome pet in the world. Why? It's because she cleans herself, takes care to go potty either outside or in her litter box, and when she is outside, she stays away from other cats and animals. In other words, she minds her own business. Her claws help her climb a tree if she is in danger. I don't worry about her. Every night at ten o'clock, when she hears me call her to come in for her favorite cat food, she comes running. She eats her food and then I pet her for about ten or fifteen minutes. After that, she cleans herself before going to sleep. She is low maintenance. By taking care of herself, she is actually doing something to make my life easier. She doesn't drain me of my time or energy. Her type of self-preservation actually makes the world a better place. People who are like my cat, pull their own weight in society. They are not burdens.

If you don't take care of yourself, someone else will find themselves having to care for you, and you will be taxing their energy in the process. If you allow yourself to be lured into dangerous situations where you might suffer physical and mental harm, someone else (probably your parents) may have to spend their time and energy coming to your rescue.

My cat is smart enough to keep herself out of dangerous circumstances. Her sense of fear and need for self preservation keeps her out of trouble. Just like her, humans possess a natural sense of fear. Fear and the desire for self preservation are mechanisms which are built into you to protect you from danger. Unfortunately, we humans all too often ignore our own internal messages.

If something doesn't feel right to you, stay away. Be self preserving. An example of this would be if you felt scared to get into a car with a person who has been drinking. Don't ignore your own feeling of fear. Call your parents to come get you. There is no need to be brave or take risks, if your inner voice is telling you to escape.

### Look out for leeches and destroyers

There are three types of people who will try to destroy your precious self. The first one is the leech, whom I have already described to some extent in Chapter Three. Leeches are always borrowing your time or your things. They don't know when to leave you alone.

When someone continually wants to borrow your things, you end up having to spend time getting your things back. They also like to make you feel guilty for being so uptight about retrieving what is rightfully yours.

Leeches, who rob you of your time, are just as bad. I bet you know someone who has asked you for a favor and tried to make you feel guilty if you didn't volunteer for some project or another. Out of kindness (or pity), you showed up for the activity only to find out that the person who asked you to volunteer, did nothing but sit around and talk to people while you did all the work. This is how some people operate. They use guilt to manipulate you into giving your time, and then they, themselves, don't do any of the work. They steal your energy away from you.

The second type of person is the destroyer. The destroyer is either angry at the world or they are jealous of you, or sometimes both. They pick at you with their thoughts, words and deeds. They call you names, or glare hatefully at you in the hallways, or commit cruel acts.

Abusive parents fall into this category. As long as planet earth exists, so will people like this. Your job is to protect yourself as best you can. You need to pull your energy inward and create an imaginary shield around yourself.

The third type of person may very well be the most dangerous one of all. Do you know who that would be? You. Yes, you. You can do more damage to yourself than anyone else.

If you are constantly criticizing yourself, you will break down your imaginary shield of protection. Harboring grudges or hatred is another way to destroy yourself. You can build your shield up by thinking positive thoughts about yourself. When you look in the mirror in the morning, tell yourself good things. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself when you make mistakes. People who are unkind to themselves are eventually unkind to others as well.

Protecting yourself sometimes requires extreme measures. If someone in school is constantly harassing you, you need to report it to school authorities. Don't be afraid of doing this. If you can, get someone who has witnessed the abuse and take them with you to verify what has been happening. You are ultimately responsible for yourself. This is what being an adult is all about. A boy can sense if you are a person who will not allow herself to be taken advantage of and he will respect you as a result.

### Understand the power of your own virtue

This is a wonderful time for teenage boys in America. Many of them can now expect to have sex with one girl or another as frequently as they wish. Girls are giving themselves over to boys like lemmings who run off of cliffs and kill themselves. Even some girls as young as eleven, twelve and thirteen are participating in the sexual pleasuring of teenage boys.

Ironically, most teenage girls don't even have strong sexual urges until their late teens, especially those who have not exposed themselves to sexual activity. They often don't feel comfortable about having boys touch them until they are older and yet these girls are willingly turning their bodies over to boys in large numbers.

Perhaps you have heard other girls talk about going all the way with boys. You may have heard them bragging about it, or acting as if what they did was no big deal. Some girls believe that losing their virginity is a passage into adulthood and must be accomplished in order to feel grown-up—the sooner the better, they think.— or that oral sex is not really sex. They are mistaken. Being an adult means behaving responsibly, and knowing the importance of resisting your physical urges. It has nothing to do with the loss of virginity.

There is one important thing you must keep in mind and that is that sex and babies go together. This is important to realize if you eventually want to get married and have children. It is not just that having sex can produce babies (that's the obvious reason), it's the fact that you must protect your sexual organs in order to retain your ability to have babies.

You have probably been taught about the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases in school and yet, many teenagers just don't get it. HIV and Herpes aren't the only dangerous possible outcomes of having casual sex. Chlamydia is a terrible disease that sneaks up on a woman's body and eventually causes the fallopian tubes to become so damaged that her ovum (eggs) cannot travel down them into the uterus. This disease has reached epidemic proportions to the scale that there are thousands of young women who now have damaged fallopian tubes. They won't be able to become pregnant naturally, and many don't even realize what has happened to them.

The problem with diseases is that science cannot always find an instant cure for everything that comes along. Scientists have yet to find a cure for those who already suffer from genital herpes, and there is a new strain of HIV that does not respond to drug treatment.

A disease that does not exist now, could surface and spread in epidemic proportions within a matter of months. In 1975, which was not so long ago, HIV was unheard of in the United States. The first cases began to appear in the early 1980's and by 1985, people were dying in large numbers. HIV crept up on us like a vengeance. Who knows what new sexually transmitted disease might be lurking around the corner? This is one of the dangers of living in a world where people are able to travel back and forth to different countries with ease.

There is only one method of protecting your baby-making body parts with absolute certainty. That way is to practice abstinence.

Protection from physical damage to your body isn't the only reason you should practice abstinence. There are other reasons as well. Protecting your emotional well being is another one. For example, suppose a girl and her boyfriend decide that they are going to go all the way. They make plans on how and where they are going to do it. The boy buys condoms. The big night arrives. They work up to the act with heavy petting and then have intercourse. The intercourse takes all of five minutes and then it's over. The girl, who has been very touched by the act, tells her boyfriend that she loves him. She feels closer to him than ever before.

Unfortunately, having sex seems to change the dynamics of a relationship. A boy may find himself suddenly losing respect for a girl after sex and unceremoniously leaves her high and dry. This is more common that you might think. It's one of the ugly truths about relationships. Is it really worth it to risk this outcome for five minutes of intercourse? No, not in my opinion. When a girl gives herself sexually to a boy, she gives up power.

Even if a girl continues seeing a boy after having had sex with him, a boy, to some degree or another, will always lose a certain amount of respect for a girl who is all too willing to give up her virtue that easily. It isn't fair, but that's how it is. This is an aspect about relationships between men and women that will not change in a million years. It is how men's brains work: pursue, conquer and then become bored.

Once their mission is accomplished, and a girl is no longer a challenge, a boy may keep her around for the convenience of having a regular sexual partner, but sooner or later, his attention is going to be drawn to a girl who will provide him with a challenge. Sooner or later, the girl he is with will be history. It may not happen immediately, but it will happen one day.

Just because boys want to have sex, doesn't mean they are entitled to get it. A boy is almost always willing to have sex with a girl. In many cases, not only is he ready and willing, it is one of his main priorities. He may be risking disease, but he isn't risking pregnancy (this is yet another way that men and women will never be equal).

Male humans are biologically driven to pursue you and press you for sex. Biology aside, teenage boys of today, are also pressured to do so by their peers. Even though they too, are in danger of contracting a sexually transmitted disease, it does not always stop them from attempting to accomplish their goal of having sex. It is a known fact that men have sexual thoughts far more frequently during the course of a day than do women. This is one reason that what you've been told about men and women being equal is utter nonsense. Another reason is how men and women differ physically. Men's genitals hang outside of their bodies. This means that they go through their days with a constant awareness of their sexuality.

What you need to understand is this: who has the power here? Is it a man because he is stronger? No, it is a woman who has the power and it is she who must control that power. Why? A man's strong biological urges not only make him more willing, they make him more vulnerable to giving in to his desires. This is where a woman can and should be the stronger of the two. His desires should never determine what you allow to happen to your body. Not allowing a boy to have sex with you isn't about manipulating or controlling him. It's about protecting yourself.

There is no need for you to be a "Miss Sure, Why Not?" A "Miss Sure, Why Not?" is a girl who is just a little too accommodating and willing to take the suggestions of others. She will say yes to just about anything. The problem with a "Miss Sure, Why Not?" is that she can be worked like a puppet all the way into taking her clothes off and beyond. Like a nonsmoker who responds with a "Sure, Why Not?" when someone offers him or her a cigarette, she is ready and willing to expose herself to discomfort, just to gain the approval of others.

Unfortunately, many women and girls have the tendency to be "Miss Sure, Why Nots."

Either they are afraid of going against another's wishes, or they can easily be influenced and swept up by a suggestion, especially a suggestion made by a boy who is good at charming girls into doing whatever he wants them to do. This is a dangerous way to be. A girl who does this, often finds herself doing things she wished she had never done. Don't be a pathetic "Miss Sure, Why Not?" when a boy starts to pressure you about sex. You are a person, not a puppet.

Holding on to your virtue is not only a way to protect yourself from getting diseases, getting pregnant, and getting emotionally hurt, it enables you to maintain control over your destiny. It protects your reputation. And it ultimately makes you more attractive to a future boyfriend or husband. You should never be in a hurry to give it up. You should never fall for any type of persuasion that a boy might try in order to convince you to give in to him.

It is sad that so many young women give in to pressure from boys or their friends to "grow up" and become sexually active. They have been told that as long as they use condoms, everything will be okay. They don't realize what they are doing to themselves even in the most innocent of circumstances. Long after the sexual act is over there are consequences, both physical and psychological that may be problematic for you.

You have the right to say no. We are not animals living in a wild jungle who give into their urges. Thanks to our ancestors who fought for and established a system of morality and respect for women, we have the fortune to live in a country that has reached a certain level of civilization. Even so, many teenagers behave as if they were no more in control of their sexual urges and free will than animals.

Sexual abstinence should not only be from sexual intercourse, but from oral sex as well. Some girls are so foolish and stupid that they convince themselves that oral sex isn't really sex. It may not be the kind of sex that leads to procreation, but it is a sexual act.

When a girl puts her mouth over a boy's penis, she may not be "going all the way," but he is definitely "going all the way." His penis (a sexual organ) is going all the way into her mouth, so from his perspective, it is just about the same thing. To a boy, her mouth is just as much a sexual orifice as her vagina. Stop and think about this. As far as he is concerned, she may be denying one orifice of her body, only to provide him with another. A girl may not completely view her own mouth as a sexual orifice, but a boy does. It's only natural that he would perceive it this way from his viewpoint. Her mouth has become an extra option for him. It becomes an alternative place for him to stick his penis. This is not how you want a boy to view your mouth, or the mouths of women, in general. Girls who do this are creating an entire generation of men who will not be able to look at woman's mouth without thinking of it in a sexual way. In my opinion, this is a horrific.

Like it or not, when a woman performs oral sex on a man, it gives him a completely different perspective on how he views her. Let me be completely and brutally honest here. Where do a man's eyes focus when a woman performs oral sex on him? Is he looking up at her as if she were a goddess on a pedestal? No, he is not. He is looking down at her. She is beneath him in more ways than one. She has lowered herself not only in her own view, but in his as well. She is like a dog kneeling at his feet. She is a servile, lowly slave.

Ironically, some girls are perfectly willing to perform oral sex and then brag about how they are saving their virginity for later, when they get married. This is foolish and ignorant behavior. Your mouth is just as important to protect as your reproductive organs.

If you still aren't convinced that abstinence is the best way to go, here is something else to think about: if you remain abstinent through your teenage years and even beyond, you will have a lot fewer regrets than those who choose otherwise. As you grow older, you will carry more and more memories around with you. You want to remember yourself in later years as a girl who cared enough about herself to set limits, instead of a girl who just did things for approval or out of curiosity. In addition, you will always maintain a certain edge over girls who willingly give their virtue up.

The most pitiful girl of all is the kind of girl who gives in to a boy's request that she have sex because she thinks it is necessary in order to be popular and well liked. Popularity is never a reason to do something that could cause you a lifetime of misery and regret. If you are afraid that a boy will not like you because you don't have sex, then deep down, he doesn't really like you. This may be difficult for you to understand, but you just have to trust that this is the truth. If a boy really likes you, it is enough for him just to be with you.

### If you are under sixteen

Taking in to consideration the importance of maintaining your virtue, a girl under the age of sixteen should never be alone with a boy. You will be much safer if you stay in a group, or at least with one other couple. And, only then when there are adults nearby, who are upstairs, for instance, if you are in a basement. Normally, there is safety in numbers, and having adults around will keep things from getting out of control.

Your goal should be to protect yourself from danger. This means refusing to participate in destructive behavior, even if it means that your friends may tease you about not giving in. Let them suffer the consequences of having casual sex or destroying their lungs. You don't have to join in. Only insecure and stupid people feel that it's important for them to do whatever it takes to be accepted. A girl who is able to resist destructive behavior is actually more mature. Stick with friends who don't engage in drinking, smoking pot, and casual sex. You can still develop a steady relationship within a circle of good friends. It happens all the time.

Until you are at least fifteen, you should not allow a boy to do anything more than hold your hand. Yes, it is possible to have a steady boyfriend whom you see every Friday and Saturday night and never do anything more than hold hands. This keeps things simple. If you set boundaries for yourself, I promise, you will be very proud of yourself when you look back on how well you restrained yourself.

Perhaps you think that this advice is outdated because you are under fifteen and have already graduated to kissing (or more). As innocent as kissing seems, it still has its dangers.

Even adults have made the mistake of kissing a partner who didn't tell them that they had an active cold sore (herpes simplex) coming on. These unfortunate adults have to live with cold sore eruptions every two or three months. A grown woman who walks into a business meeting with a cold sore on her lip, must suffer terrible embarrassment. Young people who have contracted cold sores will have to deal with these eruptions for the rest of their lives. Since there is no real cure, they will forever have to rely on one medication or another that only help relieve the symptoms. If you already get cold sores, then you know what I'm talking about.

This is why, in my opinion, it's better to wait until you are a little older before you take any chances. Staying in a group will help prevent you from having to fend off a boy from kissing you. That is, if you stay busy doing other things, like dancing and telling jokes.

If you do find yourself alone with a boy and he wants to kiss you, just say: "I'm sorry, I'm not ready to kiss you right now, I hope you understand."

When a boy really likes you, he'll respect you. If he is counting on doing a lot more with you so that he can prove to his friends that he has passed a certain test (like how far he went with you), then you are just a pawn in his game. This is the kind of boy that you need to protect yourself from anyway.

Just think how exciting it will be for you when you turn fifteen and allow yourself to go to the next level, that of kissing. Unlike other girls, who have overexposed themselves too soon, you will have something to which you can look forward. And you will have gained experience in what it takes to control yourself.

### A reputation is a fragile thing

What people know about you and think about you when you are a teenager can have an impact on you later in life. As more people get to know you, your reputation takes on a life of its own. What someone does when they are fourteen or seventeen may come back to haunt them years later.

This often happens to people who run for public office. With the world being connected through the internet, information about a person can spread far and wide.

Sometimes it's impossible to live down a bad reputation, even if it was created with only one single act. When the boyfriend of up and coming Olympic figure skater, conspired with others and carried out a vicious attack to disable her competitor, her reputation was ruined for the rest of her life. Her chances for competing in future events were destroyed, and she became the laughing stock of the world. Even if she wasn't involved in the planning of the attack, she will forever be suspect, because it was her boyfriend who was behind the evil deed, and she was acquainted with the young men who attacked the other skater. At the very least, her reputation was ruined by the company she kept.

Teenagers are very vulnerable to associating with the wrong people, and thus, developing a bad reputation. If you run around with girls who are loose with their morals and are known for being available for sex with other boys, it could happen that boys will think the same thing of you, even if you aren't like your friends.

A reputation isn't something you can correct. If a woman became a nun after years of being a prostitute, her reputation would always be there, lurking about, like a shadow. If you finally land a date with the boy of your dreams, after you've been dating bad ones, and news has traveled that you easily succumbed to the sexual advances of the bad boys, the new boy may expect you to "put out" like you did for the other boys. If you decide to play the nice girl and reject his advances, he may become angry with you. It would be terrible to find out that the only reason your dream date wanted to take you out was due to your reputation for being easy to seduce.

The unfortunate truth is that people talk. Guess who does most of the talking? Boys do. Boys love to tell about their conquests and more often than not, they blab about having had sex with some girl or another. It isn't fair, but that's the way it happens. Sometimes, even the "nicest" guy will occasionally brag about doing it with his girlfriend. Expect nothing to be held confidentially. The possibility always exists that what you do behind closed doors may become public knowledge and affect the way people think of you.

Take the example of a high government official and a young woman who worked for him. She was an innocent twenty-one year old intern who had a terrible crush on him. The public did not become aware of their affair until he was accused of sexual harassment by a married woman. The married woman made allegations against him that he had pulled his penis out of his pants in a hotel room and asked her to perform oral sex. In order for the married woman to prove her case, her lawyer had to show evidence that he had done similar things to other women. When he was questioned about his affair with the young intern, he broke his oath to tell the truth. The intern also lied about their affair on a legal document. Their lies made things even worse. In order to prove that they were lying, the married woman's lawyers and the lawyers investigating the high official had no choice but to delve into what happened. As a result, both he and the young intern had their reputations soiled. The whole world learned of what when on between the two of them.

Ironically, even though they were both at fault, the young intern's reputation suffered even more than his. Many journalists were so enamored of this high official that they said mean and terrible things about the intern in order to deceive the public into thinking that the affair was entirely the young woman's fault. Just imagine what it would be like if the whole world found this out about you? Even though men can develop bad reputations, women are almost always judged more harshly. That intern will always be known for what she did. Simply by sticking to the rule of guarding her virtue, she wouldn't have found herself in such a pickle. Always keep in mind that a reputation can be ruined with one stupid act. Be on guard.

### What about mean girls who still get the guy?

If you want an explanation as to why this kind of girl can attract a boy, and get away with being mean at the same time, you have to understand how the boy perceives her. When she exhibits conceit, he sees confidence. Her meanness may also make it easier for her to keep herself from being an easy catch. This makes it more challenging for the boy to win over her affection, which is very alluring to many boys. Just as girls often have crushes on the hard to get boy, boys like to pursue girls who make them work for their attention. Even so, meanness does not pay off in the end.

There are girls who may be nice to their own friends, but think they can be rude to others outside of their own little clique. This is the sign of a truly mean person, through and through. Perhaps their parents have led them to believe that they can get away with this kind of behavior.

This kind of girl will either attract a like minded boy, who is both conceited and inconsiderate of others just as she is, or she will fool a nice boy. In the end, she is creating a pattern of attracting a certain type of loser. Even the nice boy she has fooled is a kind of masochist. He is someone who doesn't mind being mistreated.

If a mean woman is lucky enough to marry, it is because she has managed to fool her husband with her selective behavior. Just as girls select to be mean to one person and nice to another, she has managed to do this in order to achieve her goal of getting married. Her behavior cannot lead to anything but a dysfunctional marriage. The men who marry these women develop big regrets for having gotten themselves into such horrible marriages.

Mean girls become the type of wives that husbands often end up cheating on. If the men in these marriages don't cheat, they often become heavy drinkers, or find some way to steer clear of their wives as much as possible. One frequent consequence that mean women suffer, is that their husbands (the lucky ones) divorce them, and the divorce often comes when the woman is older, and will have a far more difficult time attracting another man.

There is another horrible consequence of mean behavior. Girls who are mean have a natural tendency to become abusive parents when they grow up. If you witness a girl who is mistreating another person and wonder why she still has boyfriend, don't let this get to you. Be comforted that in the end, her life will be miserable. If this kind of girl doesn't change her attitude in her teenage years, it will be all the worse for her when she is older. In time, a bright light will be shed on the ugly truth about her. Remember the fable of the turtle and the hare. She may be doing well now, but she will get her due.

### Summary

Boys will ultimately be more attracted to girls who don't fall into the trap of blindly following others. Developing your talents will make you more well rounded and attractive. There is a difference between selfishness and self preservation, and this will play a role in your relationship with boys. Be on the lookout for leeches and destroyers. Understand the power of being virtuous. Your reputation is fragile. Don't worry so much about mean girls. Eventually, they will get their due.

# Chapter 9 - Destructive Behavior

### Slave girls and saints

When you become a mother and a wife, it will only be natural to put your children's or husband's needs above your own. It is a form of self sacrifice that you will have chosen. Most men who have wives and children also make their own kind of sacrifices to their families. They work long hours at jobs they don't always like, or they put aside their wishes for fancy sports cars and other luxuries, so that their wives and children can have shelter and food. This is a natural and healthy form of charity. It can be seen over and over again in the animal kingdom as well. Birds, squirrels, and other animals spend a great deal of time and effort taking care of their own young.

There are some wonderful people who go beyond taking care of their own families because they are compassionate people who have the time and money to do so. If it is voluntary, being charitable to others is a good thing. Unfortunately, there are some people who would like to make young people believe that if they don't devote themselves to fixing and taking care of all of the world's problems, they are not fulfilling their true purpose as human beings.

Certain teachers (not all) are telling their students that the needs of society are more important than their own, with expressions such as: "for the greater good" or "for the common good." They are teaching children to feel guilty for living in such a prosperous country as the United States. Other examples of this are exhibited when teachers tell their students that people must put Mother Earth first, or that they must put the needs of the world's poor people above their own.

When teachers put ideas in your head that the problems of the world are more important than your own, they are loading your back with a heavy burden that is impossible to carry. It is practically child abuse to teach children that the weight of the world is upon their shoulders. As a result, teenagers often react with guilt, shame, or helplessness that they aren't ever going to be able to do enough.

Do you know what kind of people in America's ugly past were consistently taught to put the needs of others ahead of their own? The plantation slaves in the Southern United States were taught this terrible concept. They were told that their own needs, or the needs of their families did not matter. Instead, they were forced against their will to put the needs of their masters and their masters' families above their own. A slave woman was taught that the master's children were more important than her own. Girls who are being taught this terrible way of thinking are being turned into nonpersons with only the purpose of serving others.

How does putting the needs of others above your own relate to your success with boys? Most boys have the natural tendency to dominate and lead. Since some girls are being turned into modern day slaves, certain boys will naturally take advantage of girls who have this mind set.

Guilt is a tool that boys often use to get what they want. Some boys try to make girls feel guilty or selfish in order to get a girl to do something against her wishes. He will pull the "I'm so lonely" trick on her, or the "I really need this from you" trick. It's much easier for him to lay a guilt trip on a girl who has been taught that the needs of others come before her own. Don't fall for it. Always remember that putting your own needs first is not selfish. It is self preservation.

Here is an example: letting a boy decide which movie he wants to take you to see is fine. There is nothing wrong with letting him be the leader, but good leaders don't take advantage of others. In other words, letting him choose the movie would not be letting him take advantage of you, but asking you to perform oral sex on him would. You should never let a boy get away with making you do something against your will or allow yourself to be degraded in order to please him. You are not a slave.

This way of thinking is also making some girls believe that they must accomplish saintly deeds in order to prove their worth. A girl like this may not be spoiled or selfish, but her state of mind isn't any healthier. Through a kind of brainwashing done to her by her teachers, she has developed an overriding obsession to save the world from itself.

When a girl gets caught up in this kind of obsession, it is because some teacher or another has pickled her mind with the world's problems. This can have a negative affect on her relationships with boys. First of all, by putting the world's problems above her own, she is consequently ignoring her own needs. No boy is going to want to be with someone who neglects herself.

A boy not only wants to be with a girl who takes good care of herself, but also who is willing to pay attention to him. He doesn't want to listen to a girl who rants and raves about how terrible the pollution is, or about how trees are being destroyed in some less fortunate country.

Women are natural nurturers and givers. It is natural to take care of the needs of your own family, but to feel guilty if you don't do everything you can to save the entire world from this or that is simply ridiculous. In addition, it is just as ludicrous and wrong to make others feel guilty for not being as passionate as you are about something.

If you cannot set aside your concerns while you are with a boyfriend, this is a sign that you have developed a sick preoccupation. To believe that you are going to be able to save the world by ranting and raving is irrational, and besides, you do not rule the world.

There is no way you are going to convince some bully government in a foreign country that they must stop polluting the air. Unless you plan to bomb them, kill their leaders, and take over their country with military force, so that you can have the power to lord your beliefs over the people, it won't happen.

This kind of thinking is a disguised form of conceit. It is the same type of thinking that dictators have who are obsessed with controlling others. It is an imperialistic and snobbish attitude to think that you can force others to behave in a certain way.

Doing volunteer work at the local level is a good cause, but carrying on about the world's injustices while you are out on a date, is quite another. Even if it is ultimately your calling to do something saintly, the best gift you can give to the world is to take care of yourself first.

Just remember this: your need to get married and become a mother is one of the most important needs you can fulfill. There is no need to feel guilty about this. To start working towards this goal at your age is a good thing. It's only natural that you would want this for yourself.

The soldiers of the civilized world did not fight war after war so that you could grow up to be a slave. Nor did they fight those wars so that you could become a "holier than thou," saintly snob. We live in a civilization that gives you the freedom to pursue your own happiness. Don't sink down into a modern form of slavery to others. It is wrong and it is self destructive.

### Macho Girls

There are so called behavior experts who tow the line of the feminist movement and bash femininity as if it is some kind of disease. This false teaching has led many women to believe that they must behave in a tough, macho fashion in order to fit in and survive in today's world. In order to understand why some grown women of today are behaving so stupidly, you need to understand the different stages a girl goes through from birth to adulthood.

When little girls are born, they are naturally delicate and feminine. They exhibit feminine movements that make it easy to tell that they are not little boys. They are not rambunctious like boys, and they don't even walk like boys either. Instead, they are softer and gentler in their movements. Even if a female baby is dressed in boy's clothing, you can almost always tell she is a girl. She is like Jean, the girl who was kept isolated from the world until she was thirteen.

Between the ages of six and twelve, it is perfectly natural for some girls to go through a tomboy stage, especially if they have brothers they want to keep up with during play time. Some tomboys would like to believe that they are equal to boys. They shirk their femininity off as being sissy and build themselves a masculine mask. Being a tomboy however, is nevertheless, a childish state.

Unfortunately, many girls don't grow out of this stage. This is what happened to many of the adult women of my generation. After a brief period of teenage femininity prior to 1970, many young women took on tomboy personas because of a trend in thinking that it was not necessary for women to dress or act in a feminine manner. In college, women who behaved in a feminine manner were often considered old fashioned and out of date. After college, there was enough social pressure (originating with the feminist movement) to prevent us from reverting back to being naturally feminine. In some circles, it was positively unacceptable to behave in a feminine manner without suffering some kind of overt, or subtle, ridicule. As a result, many women have completely lost touch with their feminine sides. I have no doubt that you know of such women.

They have suppressed their femininity to the point that they might as well have their breasts and uteruses removed. In the past, women and girls like this were once referred to as 'hoydens,' which even today is a more apt and descriptive term for them. They may think they are on the same level as boys or men, but they are not. The truth is that even though they act in a masculine fashion, they will never be equal to men. In reality, they are like preadolescent boys or castrated eunuchs. The best these boyish girls or manly women can be are second class males.

Even though they may be tough talking negotiators in the business world, many of these women are now rejected divorcees. Sadly, the ones who never marry still experience all the biological urges that all women have as they grow into their late twenties and thirties. They very much want to have babies, but eventually come face to face with the harsh reality that men have not found them attractive enough to marry. They often end up being resentful and develop an irrational hatred of men in order to avoid seeing fault in themselves.

If boys really liked masculine girls, then there would be men's magazines full of muscular women with short butch haircuts and no makeup. It hasn't happened yet and I don't believe it ever will. Boys don't want to be with girls who are just like them. This is why feminine allure has so much power over them.

Another way that girls are making a mistake by being macho, is when they attempt to compete with boys in sports. For generations, mothers have told their daughters never to outdo a boy this way. I too was told this, but the reason was never made very clear to me. I couldn't understand what was so important about it, and I thought the advice was old fashioned and no longer applied to my generation. I was never really told why. You, dear reader are luckier than I, because I'm going to tell you. It took me many years to understand why this advice was so important and not old fashioned at all. It's advice that will never really go out of style.

The ability to carry and give birth to children is a natural gift that only women possess. Men do not have this power. Most women also have a natural nurturing quality that comes along with motherhood. Men are not as nurturing as women, even if they do love their children. Men, also, cannot breast feed their children as women do.

Women possess bodies that are physically alluring. Their soft curves are aesthetically pleasing to men. This is why, to this day, men pay to see pictures of women, and yet women don't have much interest in paying to see pictures of mens' bodies. Women inherently possess what it is that men want, and yet many women don't realize all of the advantages that they possess, merely by being women. Instead, they want to have everything men have as well.

When you attempt to compete with a boy in a particular sport, you are taking away from him something that has always been the realm of man. Since the times when men were the hunters, and ran long stretches to chase down and bring back food to the women and children of their tribes, this has been their birthright. If you beat him in a sport, you are stripping him of his masculinity. You are essentially saying, "I am a better man than you."

It's important to let a boy show off his physical strength. He's doing it to impress you. This can be seen in the animal kingdom, as well. Have you seen nature programs where beautiful male birds show off their feathers to impress the female birds? When a boy wants to show off in sports, it's much the same thing. When he shows you his strength, it's his way of saying to you that he is strong enough to protect you, and look after you. The problem is that nowadays, many girls are competing with boys to the point where they are making boys feel useless.

A girl who tries to prove that she is as good at a sport as a man, is not only stripping a man of his masculinity, she is telling him: "I don't need you." There is a deep meaning to this, above and beyond the surface. She is subconsciously giving him the message that if she were ever in a position where she wanted to have a baby, there would be no need for him to support her. He might as well do as he pleases. Too many men are getting this message. This is why there are so many fathers who don't bother paying child support. Why should they? Men are constantly being told that women are equal because there are plenty of women who are blasting this message loud and clear.

Men don't attempt to steal away your special qualities, and you in turn, should not attempt to "steal their thunder" so to speak. Let them have their glory in the world of sports. Even if you were an excellent tennis player, and you were dating a boy whom you really liked, you could give in a little, and let him win. Even businessmen understand how unwise it is to beat a customer on the tennis court, lest they lose the customer's business. It's called playing "customer tennis."

If women continue to attempt to be equal to men in all aspects of life, including sports, men are not only going to be left with a lower sense of self worth, they will also be driven to compete with women in the feminine realm. In fact, this is already happening.

Some men, especially in the larger cities, are no longer as masculine as their fathers. These out of whack males are stealing feminine traits. They are so silly that they are doing things such as getting their hair dyed blond, wearing long flowing locks, or getting their ears pierced. This is revolting. They have become like peacocks strutting around a garden with their feathers fully expanded.

It probably won't be long before they will want to wear skirts. As a result of this trend, women really do have something to complain about now. Boys like this are nothing but worthless, wimpy, prima donnas. They don't deserve respect any more than girls who act like boys. Girls need to take back their feminine realm and leave the macho things to the boys. Give them their due.

Even though a woman may believe that she must put on a macho facade in order to get through life, she is really putting herself at a disadvantage. Women like this may not realize it, but more often than not, men merely tolerate them. Some men even view macho girls as being untouchable or repulsive.

At best, they view these types of women as their buddies and treat them likewise. They don't give them the special consideration normally given to feminine women. They also expect to be met halfway, which is what they expect from their male friends. Even so, macho women buddies are never given the same respect or status as men.

We have always lived in a man's world, but since women have become less feminine, and more like men, it is now a man's world more than ever. There is only one difference between how it is now and how it was before the women's liberation movement. Now, there are two classes of men: real men and men imitators.

Ironically, it is not uncommon for macho women to express surprise and outrage when men do not treat them in the same manner as men treat feminine women. An example of this happened not long ago in televised political debate between a well known, macho woman, senatorial candidate, and her male counterpart. The macho woman candidate's supporters were very angry when the man treated her as he would another man. He walked over to where she was standing, and confronted her in a way that men have always confronted other men: face to face, and man to man.

In spite of the fact that it was the woman candidate who exhibited the harsher, tougher, more masculine personality, her supporters foolishly thought that simply because she was a woman, he should have treated her in a kinder, gentler way. Macho women like her need to be reminded that the promoters of the feminist movement were perfectly willing to give up chivalrous treatment by men in exchange for equality.

When women behave in an aggressive and masculine fashion, they completely destroy the possibility that men will ever become more gentle and civilized. If this trend is not reversed, macho women will continue to squander the progress we made through the centuries of turning the boors of the world into gentle and respectful men.

The task of doing this lies not only with women, but with younger women. It is they who still have the opportunity to reclaim their femininity, their modesty, their virtue, and their future as mothers who will be more likely to be cherished and loved by their husbands and children.

Since being macho doesn't come naturally, it takes a lot more energy for a girl to be this way. It's like acting in a twenty-four hour a day play. An overgrown tomboy must always be on guard, and never let her soft side show. This may actually weaken her physical well being. She is robbed of a great deal of energy because she has to wear a mask all of the time. It's a full time acting job to always have to pretend that you are tough. If a girl continues acting this way as she gets older, it becomes an ingrained habit, in spite of the effort required to keep it up. She eventually develops a hardness in her personality which automatically repels men.

If you are an overgrown tomboy, it's time to get in touch with your feminine side before it's too late. Just let yourself relax and feel your softer side come out. It will come naturally to you, if you let it. When you take the tomboy mask off, you can feel your body move differently. Instead of moving your hands and legs with abrupt stiff movements, you will feel yourself soften up. It is a woman's softer side that compels a man to be chivalrous.

Boys and men simply don't have instincts that tell them they have to protect a girl who acts like a man, nor should they be forced by society to do so. For this reason, girls and women have to face a very sobering reality: in a free society, its male members cannot be dominated, browbeaten, and forced to be chivalrous. Not only would men not stand for it, it would be nothing less than slavery. Either women must admit that they need special protection and consideration or they must accept the consequences of being "equal." They can't have it both ways. As long as women continue to act like men, they should expect men to treat them in the same way men treat each other.

### Behaving like a slut will get you nowhere fast

Young women who dress in a provocative and immodest manner are screaming for attention. By letting it all hang out, a girl who dresses like a slut is begging the world to look at her. When she does such things as dress herself in extremely short skirts, revealing tops without a bra, wears very high heels, and wears too much makeup, and a wild unkempt hairdo, she might as well be shouting: "Look at me! I'm braless today," or "my skirt barely covers my bottom, aren't I just the sexiest thing?" It is not even feminine, because a slut has no modesty, which is a natural feminine characteristic. She is a walking advertisement for sex.

She may get a great deal of attention, but it won't be the right kind. In the long run she is actually lessening her power over men. Many women who behave like this in their youth, end up alone when they are older. Instead of attracting men who want to protect and care for them, they only attract men who want to use them for sex and then dump them. Ironically, some girls dress like this and then wonder why they aren't always treated with respect.

It is not surprising that some boys can't restrain themselves from calling such a girl mean or gross names, as she walks down the hall foolishly drawing attention to herself. After all, she is the one who is dressing in a deliberate manner to make boys pay attention to her.

The sad thing is that behaving this way is bad for everyone. If you have enough girls in a school who behave either like tomboys or sluts, even the girls who are feminine and modest will suffer some of the fallout in the way of more taunting and teasing. It's no wonder that boys often behave like boors. Girls who dress immodestly or act like men are welcoming boys to loosen their tongues as well as their pants.

Even if a girl does not dress provocatively, she can give herself a bad reputation with loose conversation about sex. When a girl freely discusses sex around boys, she might as well be dressing like a slut, because she is verbally advertising herself as a sexual target. Some girls have even reached a point where they deliberately brag about their sexual urges because they are so foolish that they believe that discussing sex makes them attractive to boys. It only serves to let boys know that a girl is probably sexually active and may be more willing to have sex. A girl who does this also lowers herself down a notch in the eyes of others, especially the boys who end up using her to satisfy their needs.

### Bossy, loudmouthed women

The feminist movement unleashed a certain, unpleasant kind of woman into society. She is a bossy, dominating, harsh speaking shrew. At one time these women were called scolds. Another term for them is viragos. Modern day scolds can be seen on television in the persona of female judges who yell and shake their fingers from the bench, or on talk shows yelling out their opinions in harsh or shrill tones, and they can be heard in the aisles of the grocery stores screaming at their children. These women are a danger to society. Why? Imagine yourself as a fatherless young man, having to put up with not only a bossy, dominating mother, but dominating female teachers. Wouldn't you grow up to dislike women? I would. I'm not at all surprised that there are so many young men with hatred in their hearts who commit senseless acts of violence, especially against women.

Bossy, loudmouthed women who treat the boys and men in their lives practically like servants are the greatest destroyers of chivalry. Such women drive men away from feeling the need to be responsible and committed to their families. It's only logical that a man who is nagged and told what to do, as if he were nothing but a servant, is going to run as fast as he can from such an unpleasant situation.

These women are taking away men's power. By treating their boyfriends or husbands this way (if they have one at all), they are teaching their male children that men are worthless and irresponsible human beings who must constantly be controlled and supervised.

It's no wonder that there are grown men these days who act like immature thirteen year old boys and shirk all of their responsibilities to care and provide for their families. Why should they grow up when the women in their lives are so controlling and tough? There is no need for them to pitch in.

There was a time when women who were scolds were occasionally sentenced to be tied to what was called a cucking stool, where they were exposed to public ridicule. Another version of this stool was what was called a ducking stool which was used to duck quarrelsome women into a lake or a pond. Of course, this act would be considered cruel and unusual punishment today, but it can be surmised that our ancestors knew just how dangerous such women were to the well-being of their families. Nowadays, unless they are wimps or gold diggers, men who have been unlucky enough to marry these women simply get divorced. Most single men don't get anywhere near such women. They are too scary. No chivalrous gentleman is ever going to sweep a bossy, loudmouthed woman off her feet and take her away to his castle.

### Avoid becoming obsessed about your weight

I once knew a couple who seemed to be perfect for each other. To protect their identity, I'll call them Bob and Melissa. They were part of an organization to which I belonged, and they were considered the "beautiful couple" among us. Bob was handsome and made a good living. Melissa was thin, beautiful and talented.

One weekend, Bob attended a convention out of state. When he came back, he was honest with Melissa and told her that he was sorry, but he had fallen in love with someone else.

The gossip about this spread quickly. We all became curious about the mystery woman who had stolen Bob's heart. It wasn't long before we got our answer. Bob and the mystery woman were married within a few months after the convention. Before I met her, I thought to myself that she had to be even more beautiful than Melissa. I was dead wrong.

The mystery woman turned out to be a short, plump, bubbly girl with glasses, whom I'll call Nancy. Once I got to know her, I completely understood why Bob had fallen in love with her. She always had a twinkle in her eye, a positive attitude, laughed easily, and was most pleasant to be around.

It would not have made one bit of difference had Melissa made herself thinner or more beautiful. It didn't matter to Bob. He has been happily married to Nancy for many years, and they have three children.

Do boys really like bony looking girls? No. If this were true, they would be buying copies of girls' and women's fashion magazines like Vogue, Seventeen, and Elle in large numbers and men's magazines would be full of anorexic looking fashion models. I know of one young man who is especially repulsed by skinny models who have had breast implants. He says models who have done this to their bodies look unbalanced and phony, like sticks with two balloons attached.

In spite of this, more girls than ever are starving themselves in order to look a certain way. Most people can't figure out just why this trend is so prevalent. In order to understand why girls are so caught up in the weight watching game, it is necessary to go back to the days when it all started.

The roots of this obsession can be found in the feminist movement, and its long tentacles that reached into the fashion industry, which, in turn, led to the obsession with weight among girls and women.

One of the first ways that these women wanted to be more like men, was in their dress. It all started innocently enough in 1851 when an American journalist named Amelia Bloomer first advocated a costume consisting of a short skirt worn over baggy trousers gathered at the ankle. These eventually came to be known as Bloomers, and although they were considered revolutionary at the time, they were still relatively feminine.

During the 1920's, better known as the Roaring Twenties, young women cut their hair into short page boy styles, and flattened their breasts by binding them, in order to make themselves look more boyish. It was during this time that women made the transition from Bloomers to pants. However, like Bloomers, pants were only considered appropriate for leisure and recreational purposes. They were never worn to church, work, or school.

By the mid 1960's, during the extreme cold of winter, some schools started allowing girls to wear pants to school, but the trend did not take hold right away. Most girls continued to wear dresses. When the movement began to spread the message that women should be allowed to wear pants in the work place and eventually got their way, it revolutionized the fashion industry.

Actually just before women started wearing pants in the work place, college women started wearing pants in the largest numbers. By 1971, they had almost completely given up wearing dresses, and wore nothing but blue jeans, seven days a week.

The blue jeans trend actually caught the fashion industry by surprise. Evidence of this was the fact that the majority of jeans for sale and readily available to women were not women's jeans. College women simply bought and wore jeans that were made for men.

Eventually, the fashion industry caught up. Women's jeans and other styles of pants became widely available. Nevertheless, pants were originally designed for men. The women and girls who looked best in pants were the ones who had slender, mannish figures. For this reason, most women who wore pants became weight watching slaves to this "liberating" fashion.

Tight blue jeans especially, show every bulge. When the blue jeans trend was at its height, women often spoke of losing enough weight to squeeze back into their favorite pair, or they would lie down on their beds so that their stomachs would be flatter while they pulled up the zippers.

The wearing of pants started a chain reaction which led to an entire culture of thinness.

All women became thinner than their earlier counterparts, including fashion models and movie stars. A new breed of actresses who had slender hips and wore pants well, simply mirrored the trend. Meg Ryan, with her slim hips and legs, is a present day example. The actresses of the 1940's, 1950's, and early 1960's were far more curvaceous than actresses are today. Elizabeth Taylor and Marilyn Monroe, the two most beautiful actresses of that era would have made terrible pants models or pants wearing actresses after the age of thirty. Their voluptuous curves would have prevented them from doing so. They would have been considered too fat to fit the new mold. The same loose fitting pin-striped pants suit that Julia Roberts wore well in the movie My Best Friend's Wedding, would have made Marilyn look short and dumpy. Conversely, Marilyn was far more attractive than slender actresses when it came to filling out a dress.

The wearing of pants has always put women and girls who don't have small hips and slender legs at a disadvantage. They are now viewed as fashion inferiors to girls with boyish figures. Many of them have gone on diets only to have those diets backfire when they become even heavier than they were when they started their diets. Little girls who are the least bit plump now find themselves the butt of cruel jokes and name calling. They are the youngest outcasts of the pants wearing trend.

Women have only themselves to blame. Ironically, the women who have complained most about the fashion industry's use of thin models, are the very same women who like to call themselves feminists and see themselves as sisters to the same women who, earlier, fought for the rights of women to look and dress like men.

Another irony is that even before the existence of the women's liberation movement, women still had more fashion freedom than men. A businessman does not have the option of going to work with a dress on.

In the days when women mostly wore dresses, fashion designers actually designed clothing that looked good on women who were curvaceous. Perhaps one day, it will happen again.

Although the women's liberation movement is responsible for beginning the chain of events that led to girls and women being obsessed with thinness, there is another reason at play.

In the modern society that we live in (thanks to the hard working men and women who built this prosperous nation and the benefits of market competition), food is more plentiful and cheap than it has ever been in the history of the world. In fact, it is so plentiful, that girls who come from privileged homes can afford to be very picky about what they eat.

Picky eating, if it does not have its roots in some kind of illness, like depression, stomach disorders, or anemia, is actually a form of snobbery. If food was more precious and expensive, girls might not be so snooty.

When a girl refuses to eat something, it is a way of sticking her nose up at the food and rejecting it. Often people who put themselves on restricted diets, even though they are already thin, gain a certain feeling of self-righteousness about their ability to control their food intake, which is similar to walking a tightrope.

Perhaps they have witnessed their mothers fall off their own tightropes, and since they have a strong desire not to be like their mothers, whether it be out of fear or anger, they do a better job of controlling their appetites. They really are very proud of themselves for having eaten only one piece of potato and two peas for dinner. It actually gives them a sense of accomplishment, as if they've won some kind of contest.

Girls who starve themselves may feel like they are winning the battle for thinness, but in reality, they are losers. The only thing that keeps them from looking truly sick, is their youth. Inside, their bodies are suffering from malnutrition and most significantly, they are hurting their future chances of being healthy enough to have safe and normal pregnancies. Starvation will eventually damage a person's internal organs.

Girls who binge on large amounts of food and then purge will eventually suffer the same kinds of risk to their bodies.

A beautiful musician, popular in the 1960's, Karen Carpenter, eventually died of heart failure from years of starving herself, even though she had begun to eat more regularly. For her, it was a case of doing too little, too late.

If a girl feels like she has to starve herself to be perfect and that no one will like her or be attracted to her unless she stays bone thin, she has developed an abnormal obsession. Not only does she deprive herself of food, she often does an inordinate amount of sit-ups or jogging. To her, it's never enough. She feels that she can never let her guard down. She is a bit like an overachieving boy, whom I described earlier, except that she only concentrates on one thing: staying thin.

You never want to be a slave to keeping your weight down in order to look good in pants. There can be deleterious consequences. Not getting enough proper nutrition can make you prone to illness. It can make you look older than your age.

If you have this type of obsession, try to split up your desire to be thin with another interest. Find a hobby or something that is going to take up your time and concentration, so that being thin won't be your only goal in life. Make yourself a goal of reading a certain number of books a year, for instance, or perfecting your conversation skills. You obviously have a lot of internal discipline, so why not apply it to something else? In the meantime, don't be so hard on yourself. No woman has ever attracted a man simply because she was thin.

Each person has their own diet preference, so I won't go into whether you should eat this, or not eat that. It's up to you what you eat. I'm sure that you have been taught the importance of eating the right foods, haven't you?

I will only give you one bit of advice about nutrition. Sugar is the best appetite stimulant in the world. The minute I eat a sugary cereal or piece of candy, it isn't long before I feel like I want to eat a house. Having said that, here is some contradictory advice: for goodness sake, allow yourself to indulge in junk food once in a while. Junk food is good for your mental health.

Just remember this: real men will always be more attracted to women with curves, not straight thin lines. The proof of this shows up in the wedding industry. The majority of wedding dresses sold in America are size twelve and larger.

If you don't have a straight up and down figure, think about wearing dresses. Whenever I see a woman wearing a pair of pants, especially if she doesn't have a slender figure, I think about how she is blindly following a trend that was started by a group of women who, in spite of their hatred and resentment of men, insisted that women should dress like men.

### Cigarettes

Although the trend of women smoking cigarettes started in the upper classes, in the early 1900's, it has now become more prevalent in the lower classes. Even when smoking was chic for women to do, it had always been a masculine habit. Men, and some older women can still get away with smoking cigarettes, as well as cigars, but when younger women smoke, it takes away from their feminine purity and makes them appear more masculine. This is why a girl who smokes is ultimately narrowing her chances of finding the perfect boyfriend or husband.

Chances are that you already know of all the bad health consequences of smoking, because you are frequently told about them in school.

Smoking cigarettes doesn't just ruin your health, it affects your physical appearance as well. Taking care of your skin begins when you are a teenager. If you are prone to acne, smoking will make your outbreaks increase. It causes more wrinkles than overexposure to the sun, because it deprives your skin of oxygen.

All the money in the world may not fix what smoking can do to your skin. It not only causes wrinkles, it can cause you to have enlarged skin pores.

Smoking is an expensive habit and there are much better ways to spend your money. Girls who smoke also smell badly. Their clothing and hair reek of stale smoke odor. No amount of perfume can cover it up. This is a big turn off for men who don't smoke (who are in the majority).

I knew of one man who didn't like the habit of smoking in a women, but he used their habit to his advantage, playing a little trick on them. If a woman who smoked was attractive enough to him, and he felt like dating her, he pretended to accept her smoking, just long enough to get what he wanted out of her (meaning sex). Since he was good looking and successful, he usually got his way. When he tired of a woman, and wished to dump her, he simply told her that he did not want to be with her because of her smoking habit. It made for a perfect excuse.

Most men aren't so sneaky, but they usually don't bother asking out women who are smokers. A man like this almost never lets a woman know why he isn't interested in her. Instead, he just steers clear.

### Body modification

In Latin America, parents of baby girls have their daughters' ears pierced when they are only three days old. This is a widely practiced custom.

Piercing, tattoos, and scarification dates back to primitive tribes who marked themselves for ritual and cultural reasons. It still goes on in primitive African tribes and elsewhere. These primitive tribes distinguish themselves from other tribes by their particular types of body markings. The members of these tribes normally don't have much contact with the world outside of their limited provincial domains. They are not part of the global world and will likely never travel far from where they were born.

You, on the other hand, live in a civilized world, and yet, you may be in a school where everyone is getting this or that part of their body pierced or getting themselves tattooed, and you are thinking about following their examples.

Perhaps you feel that in order to be an accepted member of your tribe (your school friends), you also need to have your body marked or pierced. Do you plan to be part of this tribe for the rest of your life? Do you believe that the chances are slim that you will be doing any traveling, and that you will most likely choose your husband from this small band of friends to which you belong? Chances are pretty good, that this is not the case. One day, you may move to another state or country, which may have different standards and customs, you may well be doing yourself a big disfavor by getting yourself pierced or tattooed. I will discuss this in greater detail at the end of this section.

There are many reasons not to give in to the body modification trend. Perhaps your parents have warned you that getting tattoos or body piercing isn't a good idea because of the possibility of contracting HIV or other diseases. Did they mention Hepatitis C? It's yet another disease that is just as deadly as HIV that can be spread by dirty tattoo needles. At this time, there is no cure. It's a terrible way to die. All it takes is one infected needle. It may not happen very often, but it's too much of a gamble to be worth it.

Many people who have tired of their tattoos (they finally matured) are paying a great deal of money to have them removed with laser surgery. There is only one problem. Many skin types are still left scarred by the surgery itself, so even if you have the money to remove the tattoo, your skin may be permanently scarred.

Here is something else to think about when it comes to body piercing. Do you know what happens to the pierced holes as you become older? They get bigger, and bigger, and bigger. This is evident, especially, on women who have had pierced ears for many years. Some women need surgery to close up pierced holes.

Another drawback to having other permanent marks on your body has nothing to do with the physical consequences. When I meet a person with a tattoo or a piercing, I tend to focus on what stands out most to the visual eye. I find that instead of focusing on the person's eyes, I am most drawn to whatever it is they have pierced or tattooed. I easily become distracted by their jewelry or the tattoo. When you meet a new boy, do you want him focusing on you or on your jewelry?

Not everyone is impressed by another person's tattoos or body piercings. Many people feel nothing but revulsion, and can not comprehend why such a person deliberately mutilates themselves. A tattooed girl is giving others the message that her body is something to be invaded and scarred, not protected.

Another message that tattooed or pierced girls give to the world is that they are starved for attention, and are begging others to look at them. They deliberately mark up their bodies and then wear clothing that exposes their markings, such as short sleeved shirts or summer shorts, even in the cold of winter, so that people will pay attention to them. Boys, as well as the rest of us, can pick up on this kind of insecurity and neediness.

There is one type of body piercing that makes women look like sluts. It is widely known that one of the main reasons people get their tongues pierced is to enhance their partner's oral sexual experience. Even those who say it's only for appearance are suspected of being sexually knowledgeable and sexually active. This is not how you want to appear to others, especially to a prospective boyfriend. He may very well view a girl with a pierced tongue as the kind of girl who will perform oral sex on him, and he will expect it. In fact, it may be the only reason he may be interested in getting to know her. He may think to himself: "If I'm really nice to this girl, she'll pleasure me with her tongue." This is the kind of boy who only has one thing on his mind. He is thinking about what a tongue pierced girl can do for him. As a result, he will only show her enough affection to get what he is after. When he is through with her, he will move on to his next gullible victim.

A girl or woman who gets her tongue pierced, has just downgraded herself from being a self-respecting person, aware of her own self worth, to a girl who is advertising that she will perform oral sex. She might as well write it on her forehead.

This brings me to the point of discussing in further detail what I brought up earlier. Do you plan to leave your small circle of friends (your tribe) when you get older?

Many teenagers who have gotten their bodies pierced and tattooed may be accepted in their circles, but upon going off to college or moving to another city, they may discover that their body markings are a hindrance.

You don't want to suffer the misfortune of getting a crush on a boy who is repulsed by tattoos or piercings. You may meet a tall, dark, Latin teenage hunk who happens to be turned off by women who pierce their bodies and thus eliminate one of your romantic possibilities. This kind of situation does happen. Unfortunately, such girls are clueless as to why certain boys do not respond to their flirtatious behavior.

I don't blame boys for not wanting a marked up girlfriend. You may think it's a type of discrimination, but a boy has a right to feel the way he does, and there is no law that's going to force him to like you in spite of your tattoos and piercings.

Suppose a boy just came away from a bad experience with a girl who had a certain part of her body pierced, let's say her navel. He may have accepted her pierced navel when they were dating, but after the breakup, he may have developed a wariness or dislike for any girls with pierced navels. This could happen. People do make associations like this. They can't help but think of the person they used to know, every time they see a similar trait. This could mean that every time a boy looks at the pierced navel of a new girlfriend, he isn't thinking about her, he is remembering all of the bad things that happened with his old girlfriend who also had her navel pierced.

When a girl gets her body pierced or tattooed, she may also be hindering her chances of earning a living. For instance, getting into the modeling business is difficult even if a girl is beautiful. A modeling agency may very well reject a pierced or tattooed girl regardless of her beauty. There are people in the fashion industry who won't tolerate a girl who is marked up.

After all, they want their customers to pay attention to the article they are selling, such as a thousand dollar dress, not the ring nose being sported by the model wearing the dress.

There is something tawdry and lower class about women getting tattoos and piercings. Even those who can get away with it, like sailors, can end up suffering the consequences of contracting Hepatitis C, and other deadly diseases because of their behavior. Marking yourself up just has too many drawbacks. We live in a civilized global world where you may be very likely to travel and meet people from all over the world. Don't put yourself into a class where things like tattoos and body jewelry will keep you from meeting the right man when you are older.

You ought to think better of yourself than to submit to self-mutilation.

### A victim mentality will destroy you

Some girls seem to have more than their share of bad luck. They seem to be walking disaster magnets. Others experience tragedies, which are for the most part, beyond their control.

The important thing is not what happens to you in life, but how you handle what comes along. If you have a positive attitude, life's mishaps are going to be much easier to get through.

The opposite of having a positive attitude is to develop a lifelong victim mentality. The best way I can explain how some people become victims is to give you the formula for how people turn themselves into lifelong victims. If you want to be such a person, here are your instructions:

### How to be a Victim

1. Always blame others. This is how victims get out of being responsible for anything that happens to them. More often than not, a victim does have some responsibility in avoiding danger.

2. Don't be cautious about your actions, which may put you in the wrong place at the wrong time. Girls who don't listen to their inner voice, or pay attention to their feelings of fear, may come to regret it.

3. Don't learn anything new—remain ignorant, and don't listen to an adult who tries to warn you. Nothing causes more suffering in the world than ignorance, or wrongful thinking.

4. Place your trust in a person who makes you nervous. Oh, what girls will do to get approval! Not listening to your inner voice is like ignoring a child who is screaming in pain. Not paying attention to the fear you feel could hurt you. It is better to be like my cat. She runs at the slightest indication of danger.

5. Follow a trend without questioning it. If you don't stop being like a goat, you are well on your way to becoming a victim.

6. Don't fight back. Victims have a way of giving in too soon. Don't let people pressure you into doing something. Stand up for what you believe.

7. Don't question what your friends or boyfriends want you to do. Being a victim is actually a way of being lazy, because when you don't take on the responsibility of what happens to you, you are sitting back and letting others decide your fate. The opposite of being a victim is to take control over your own actions. You may not be able to control what others do, but you have no excuse for not controlling your own.

8. Live in the past, and hold grudges. There is no one more difficult to live with than someone who carries around a lot of mental baggage. This is a way of holding on to your status as a victim.

9. Take on the injustices done to ancestors who lived so long ago that they were dead before you were born. This is really living in the past, especially if these injustices happened several hundred years ago. This is really unnecessary baggage. It is a way of creating false victim status.

10. Blame an entire race, culture, or gender group for all of your problems. This is another form of blaming. This ignorant attitude will hurt you far more than any group to which you direct your hatred. The women's liberation movement was fueled by the hatred of men. Your very life may one day depend upon a person who belongs to a group for whom you have feelings of hatred. What will you do then?

### Summary

There are dangers to not putting yourself first. It can be likened to reducing yourself to the status of a slave. Boys are put off by girls who are interested in saving the world. Boys are not attracted to girls who put on a tough, macho exterior. Being obsessed with your weight can harm you, and it won't necessarily attract or keep a boy. Cigarettes not only harm you physically, they can limit the number of boys who are willing to be with you. Tattoos and a body piercing can scar you for life, and limit the number of men who would be willing to have a relationship with you. A victim mentality will destroy you. To be a permanent, lifelong victim, one must think a certain way, at the base of which is to always blame others.

# Chapter 10 - A Harsh Reality

One out of four women in America is raped. This is a terrible statistic. Of course, a rapist is the one breaking the law, but a rape victim herself will have, more often than not, made some terrible errors in judgement in the interim time period which leads up to the act. This is a harsh reality. Even though it is never a woman's fault if she gets raped, her own naive behavior may contribute to the possibility of it happening. Not to admit this is utter foolishness.

I am not talking about cases where the rape victim has very little control over what happens, such as when a rapist breaks into a fifty year old woman's home and holds her at gunpoint, or when completely helpless children are raped by evil family members. I am talking about rapes that occur to girls and women in everyday social settings, especially dating.

If a girl does not possess an awareness of how she may be putting herself in a dangerous situation, she is no different than a child who sticks her arm into the cage of a lion. Anyone who is born female must accept the following ugly truth: you can not ever completely trust all males to be good and upright law abiding citizens, nor can you expect policemen to be positioned in every nook and cranny of the world, especially behind the closed doors of private homes.

There will always be a certain percentage of men and boys who turn into rapists. They know that their chances of getting caught are slim because when there are no witnesses to a crime, it's very difficult to prove what happened. Rape is a one-on-one crime. Even if laboratory tests prove that a boy's DNA is on a rape victim's body, all he has to do is to lie and say that she wanted to have sex. If she can prove that she was bruised and fought back, all he has to do is say that the girl liked having rough sex. Another reason rapists are so confident in getting away with their crime is that only five percent of all rape prosecutions actually lead to a guilty verdict in court.

Minimizing the chances that you will ever be raped falls entirely on your shoulders. This is one of the responsibilities that comes from living in a free society where you are allowed to socialize in unchaperoned settings. Rape prevention has been handled poorly since the first days of the women's liberation movement when the message was spread that women didn't need the support and protection of men. Rape rates have increased in spite of the number of women and girls who take self defense classes.

The biggest mistake you can make, is to allow yourself to be alone with a boy or boys you don't really know well. Our ancestors understood the nature of men. They weren't as foolish as we are now. In the past, girls and women were never left alone with men or boys to whom they were not married. Even an older married woman never allowed herself to be in a position of being alone with another man.

Although it is impossible to tell who is a rapist and who is not, there are some characteristics that most rapists have in common.

Rapists, as a whole, have an inability to sense the feelings and needs of others. If they did, they probably wouldn't rape. They only care about their own self gratification or acting out their own anger.

Your mother has probably warned you about not getting into cars with strangers and has given you other common sense advice. Did she tell you about dressing too provocatively? It isn't fair, but women who dress provocatively in public settings are taking chances. A girl who dresses in such a fashion will be more likely to catch a rapist's eye.

Some rapists are highly intelligent. They have excellent verbal skills and can be very persuasive and charming when it comes to leading a girl into a position of vulnerability. A famous serial killer named Ted Bundy used his collegiate appearance to lure girls whom he would often pick up at shopping malls, into his car. This is why, just because a man is clean cut and nice looking, you can't let down your guard.

One thing to especially look for is if a man has been drinking, taking drugs, or smoking marijuana. Many rapists drink or get high in order to loosen up their inhibitions.

Another type of rapist is the kind who is all brawn and no brain. He often has well developed muscles and he may or may not be large. His social skills are limited. He is a kind of primitive. He usually isn't much of a conversationalist and when he does speak, it's often in a crude and gruff manner. Since he may feel inadequate about his verbal skills, he is the kind of person who has a tendency to rely on his physical strength to get what he wants.

A rapist who is a complete stranger may start out by saying something similar to this line: "I suppose you aren't the type of girl who would be interested in someone like me." By saying this, it's his way of goading you or making you feel guilty for not being interested in him. This kind of statement is a major warning sign that he has an agenda. He may accuse you of being a snob or of being mean with the same kind of remark. Don't be influenced by his attempts to make you feel guilty.

The chances are good that a rapist has experienced rejection from other girls in the past, and has come to think that the only way he is going to have sex is by force. If a boy is known in school as a bully, steer clear of him completely. Don't even give him the benefit of the doubt.

### Dangerous parties

Suppose you have a friend who calls to tell you that her parents are out of town, and she has invited you to a party. Some of the boys manage to obtain beer and drugs, etc. Without parents, everyone is going to have a great time and be free to act as they wish. Sometimes, these parties are without consequence, and everything goes off without a hitch. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Many girls have gone to just such parties and have come away psychologically damaged for the rest of their lives.

There are boys who use such parties to get away with rape. The victim may even think the boy or boys that lure her into a bedroom at the far end of the house, are just being nice and flirting with her. She may even be made to feel special. She's special alright. She's the one specially chosen to be raped. Even if a boy doesn't manage to get a girl drunk or drugged, he may still use force to get her clothes off and rape her.

The safest thing would be not to attend one of these parties at all, but if you find you just have to go, be very wary. Never, never allow yourself to be in the company of all boys, even if you think you know some of them. Always watch your drink. Never leave it unattended where a rapist could drop a pill into it. Women have not only been raped after passing out from being drugged, some have died from being overdosed.

### Walking in public areas

Teenage girls have to be particularly wary when it comes to being in mall parking lots and other public places alone. Even in broad daylight, you could be accosted by some pervert just waiting for a young girl to come along and grab. Sometimes, gangs of boys sit in their cars and grab a girl, take her to an isolated area and gang rape her. This is a terrible reality. I wish the world weren't this way, but it is. If you even see a car full of boys, go out of your way to avoid them.

If you are going to a mall, always try to be with a friend and even then, be on guard. There was a telephone repair man in a state I used to live in, who managed to lure two girls into his repair truck. He raped both of them. Fortunately, he was caught because they had records of him calling into the phone company, which tied him to the location of the rape. After his arrest, the police department found out that his DNA matched that of a murder/rape victim two years prior to his raping the two girls. These two girls had also hitchhiked a ride and were lucky to have gotten away alive.

### The pervert neighbor

The pervert neighbor weasels his way into your family by pretending that he is an okay guy to your parents. He may even be married with children. Chances are pretty good that he is also a regular drinker and/or drug user. He may ask you to baby-sit his kids as a way of building your trust. Perverts can come from any social class. They may look perfectly normal.

When I was fifteen, I was baby-sitting for a family who lived within walking distance of our home. Long before the children's parents were supposed to be home, their father walked home from where he and his wife were at a party, just after I had put the children to bed. Within minutes after arriving, he grabbed me, and started to pull my shirt up. I pulled away and resisted him, and was eventually able to talk him into leaving me alone by asking him over and over again about his wife, and why hadn't she come home, as well. This man was rich, handsome, and a pervert.

Needless to say, when his wife called to have me baby-sit again, I declined the offer. Although I wasn't raped, this experience still left me feeling violated. It took several years to get it out of my system. It still makes me mad to this day to know that this man thought he could get away with such a thing. What really gets me angry is that he was probably right. I thought about telling my mother, and turning him into the police, but I was scared that if I went public with my accusation, he could turn the whole thing around and pretend that I had a crush on him, etc. I did not want my name dragged through the mud. I could just imagine the gossip that would circulate about me being a teenage slut, etc. My name would have been forever marred. What I experienced is not uncommon. Many women and girls have found themselves in similar circumstances.

### Brothers and their friends

Boys tend to take on a group personality when they are together. They think up ways to get thrills. Your own brother may be in such a group, and he may not necessarily be the one making the group decisions. He may be friends with a more dominant boy who is the group's leader. You may never think it could happen, but a persuasive leader may very well be able to talk your own brother into taking advantage of you. This happens more often that you might think.

Girls have found themselves being gang raped, not only by their brother's friends, but by their own brother. The fact that some girls can't even trust their own brothers, is also one of the harsh realities of life. It is a terrible dirty secret that many families possess.

This terrible kind of injustice is occurring more frequently in blended families to girls who have stepbrothers, especially if both parents work outside the home. If your brother or stepbrother attempt to do such a thing, tell your parents immediately. Sadly, this scenario is yet another negative consequence of the women's liberation movement. If more mothers stayed home to protect their children after school, it wouldn't happen as often.

A word of caution: if you are going to accuse a sibling of making sexual advances towards you, don't do it falsely. Your sin of lying will come back to haunt you one day, even if it's in the distant future.

### Pervert relatives

Brothers aren't the only male relatives you need to be wary of when it comes to sexual molestation and rape. I once knew of a man who had just gotten back from his honeymoon. While his new wife was at work, he plied his teenage cousin with so much hard liquor that he was able to convince her to perform oral sex. She was an intelligent person, but he was a cunning lecher. He was also a product of the women's liberation movement in that he was supported by a wife who worked outside the home and had too much time on his hands.

If you feel uneasy with uncle so and so or a cousin that your family is just crazy about, listen to your inner voice and stay as far away from them as possible.

### Basic rules of rape prevention

The first technique you should use is the fear test. Are you already a little nervous around a certain boy? Are you nervous because you are crazy about him? Even then, this may be a bad sign. If he is scaring you for any reason, there is reason to be concerned.

If a boy tells you ahead of time that you are going to do one thing and then changes the plan, this is a bad sign. He is not trustworthy, and he's got something up his sleeve.

The second thing is that you should never give in to a boy's insistence that you have a drink, smoke a joint, or take some other drug. This has long been the number one way boys get girls to let down their guard. Even if you are in the company of others at the time, he can use this time to get you loosened up enough to lose your footing. There is an old fashioned saying— "Candy's dandy, but liquor is quicker." What it means is that if a man wants to get a woman in bed, plying her with liquor is almost a sure bet in accomplishing his goal.

The third precaution you should take is to never allow yourself to be alone with a boy you don't know very well. If you haven't established a good relationship with him while in the company of others, then you have no business being alone with him. The same goes for groups of boys. Never allow yourself to be the only girl in the group, unless it is supervised by a trustworthy adult.

Try to keep one thing in mind about how a rapist thinks. First of all, he doesn't care one little bit about a girl's feelings. He is not capable of understanding how she feels or what it really feels like to be raped. He is a modern day primitive. He is not socially developed. He will never really be sorry for his actions. In fact, it will give him a kind of high, make him feel more macho, more in control. There is no cure for this kind of personality except jail time, and as I mentioned before, the chances of a rapist ever going to jail are very slim. The only person he would ever feel sorry for is himself, if he becomes one of the five percent of males who get convicted.

Rape is a very serious matter, and so are other forms of sexual battery, like when a woman or girl is forced to perform oral sex. The psychological damage that results from it can stay with a victim for a lifetime. It is a terrible memory for a girl to always have to carry around. She has taken a trip on the dark side of life, and the rapist has likely succeeded in making her feel completely degraded and demeaned.

### Summary

The possibility of rape cannot be overlooked. Girls and women, by placing themselves in certain situations, can play a role in the likelihood of it having it happening to them.

# Chapter 11 - Far Reaching Consequences

### Secret Wishes

There are many adults pushing you to do your best in school so that you can accomplish your career goals. There is nothing wrong with this, because life can be very difficult for anyone who does not have the skills or education to be a self sufficient adult. Nevertheless, there is a secret career that nearly every girl dreams about.

More than anything in the world, just like their grandmothers and mothers before them, most girls dream about becoming wives and mothers. Many pretend that it's not all that important, that getting married is not all it's chalked up to be, but secretly, in their most private thoughts, they would love nothing more than to one day be married to a supportive, loving man with the possibility of staying home and raising a family. It is the most natural wish in the world for a young woman to want this. If this is your dream, then don't keep it on the back burner of your mind. Let yourself dream about it. Motherhood is every girl's birthright, but you must always keep in mind that even in this stage of your life, there are far reaching consequences to your behavior that will affect your chances of having your dream come true.

### What do you see in your crystal ball?

In order to ponder your future, you need to have a clear picture of what life will be like as an adult woman.

If you are honest with yourself about what you really want when you are older, it will affect the decisions you make now. Many women, who now admit to themselves how much they wanted marriage and motherhood, may never see their dreams come true because of past mistakes.

Decisions girls make in their teens may bring them misery far into the future. Perhaps they will get themselves tattooed, and later find it hard to find a man who is not repulsed by tattoos. Or they have taken on a tough and masculine, tomboy persona, or are sexually promiscuous, and give men the message that they can sleep with them without having to marry them. Or, they didn't see a problem with having casual sex, and ended up pregnant as a teen or unmarried young woman.

When a woman finds herself in the position of having to raise a child alone, it is not without difficulty. There is a high probability that she will have to seek welfare assistance for her child and herself. Her chances of living in poverty or complete destitution are high.

One way or another, someone will have to sacrifice their freedom. Either the unwed mother will have to sacrifice being with her child by going to work every day, and leaving her child in the care of others, or her relatives will have to sacrifice their time and money to take care of her and her child. The child's father may have to sacrifice his future in order to scrape together enough money for the child, if he is willing to take the responsibility, and those chances are slim. Some of the sacrifice will likely come from the nation's taxpayers, because it is their hard earned money that funds welfare payments to unwed mothers.

Unmarried women of all ages are giving birth to illegitimate babies in staggering numbers. They almost never marry the fathers of their babies, and are often saddled early on in life with the responsibility of being both mothers and fathers to their children.

The boys who are getting teenage girls pregnant are not bothering to marry, protect, or provide homes for their girlfriends and offspring. Even if a boy was forced by law to support a child, all he would have to do is not work. Besides, a teenage boy, without education or skills, is not in a good position to earn enough money to support a family.

If a girl goes on welfare, she can be almost one hundred percent sure that the father of her child will not bother to offer his financial support. The welfare system is one of the most effective destroyers of chivalry. Not only does it gives fathers the message that they are not needed, young boys whose mother's are on welfare grow up with a sense that men are worthless. Many of them actually believe that the only way they can survive is to live off a woman. They learn to see women and the government as the main sources of financial support. In the long run, welfare doesn't really help anyone.

American taxpayers are already burdened with excessively high taxes to help pay for the care of babies and their irresponsible mothers. They now slave away at their jobs for almost five months out of each year in order to meet their annual tax requirements (state, local and federal taxes). They don't need to toil for one more government program. It is simply not fair to make them do so. If their tax burden increased, they would end up with even less money for the direct support of their own children.

In any case, the government should not be the middleman between a person who earns the money, and a child who receives it. It is a given that the government agencies who run child help organizations are spending a great deal of money in buildings, maintenance, and salaries before it ever reaches children who are in need. It's just not an efficient way to take care of children. It is why the Russian people had to wait in line after line to get just about anything for their families, when the Communists were in power. By the time the supplies went through the hands of the government bureaucrats, there were only crumbs left for the people who were forced to work as slaves for a system that so ineptly took care of their needs.

Aside from the sorrow and hardship that comes to the mother of an illegitimate child, the child himself will suffer a certain and inevitable emotional loss. There is no getting around it.

This is true even in cases of single professional women who earn good incomes and decide to raise children by themselves. The reason is that children of single mothers may not understand the circumstances of their birth when they are young, but as adults, they come to realize that either they were products of careless sex, and lack of commitment, or at the very least, a selfish mother who didn't understand how much it hurts not to have known or grown up with one's father. A fatherless child cannot help but feel pain that either his father did not care to be in his life, or that his mother refused to allow his father to take part in raising him.

Either fatherless children allow themselves to hurt or they have to act tough and pretend to themselves that it's no big deal, but deep down, if they are really honest with themselves, it has to hurt. It is foolish to believe that children like this will not suffer to some degree or another. Even children who had loving and caring stepfathers, still have a sense of emptiness at not having had a similar relationship with their own biological fathers.

I know a young man who is so devastated by having been raised by his unwed mother, that he has an anger and melancholy from which he may never recover, knowing that he was deprived from having the opportunity to bond with, and get to know, his father. He is still in a great deal of pain. Almost every sad poem he writes deals with this subject.

The lyrics of rap musicians often reveal the terrible consequences and sad truth of how it feels not to have grown up with a loving and supportive father. Their words show feelings of despair and bitterness. They often tell about what it's like not having a male role model and of the loneliness of not having a father around to play games with them. They speak of neglect, of how they had to compete for attention with their mother's boyfriends, and of financial difficulties their mother had to face. They relate how they never really got to know their mothers who weren't home because they worked all of the time, and how their mothers had to get tough to compensate for not having a man around. They tell of how sad it is to have seen their mothers cry about their difficulties. At the same time, they often speak of how they resented their mothers for having put them through such terrible childhoods. They mention drowning their sorrows with alcohol. They advise their audiences of how criminal it is to have a child if one can't be there to give that child one's time and support.

All children are entitled to know who their parents are, and where they came from. Many people who are not able to trace their ancestors still feel a sense of incompleteness, even if they know their own mothers and fathers. Those who have suffered through wars or slavery find themselves in this position. Children need to have a sense of family, from both sides of the family tree if possible.

If a single mother works, she may have no choice but to schlep her child around to various day care centers, which in many cases, especially for poorer mothers who can't afford to be choosy, are merely daytime versions of orphanages. Society is just now beginning to find out the implications of this modern form of child cruelty, where children have to constantly compete with each other for adult attention. Even if a single mother can afford a nanny, she may put her child through the experience of feeling abandoned when a nanny moves on to another position. If a child is left with a loving grandparent, it still deprives both mother and child of a deeper one on one relationship. Like orphans, children of single mothers often don't have even one complete parental relationship. Grown children of these circumstances often complain that their own parents have never really gotten to know them.

When a woman is a single mom, a man is much less likely to be interested in marrying her. This is the cold, hard truth. Many young men do not want to enter a committed relationship with a woman who has already had another man's child.

The ability that you possess to have a child is a precious and miraculous privilege. It is a privilege, however, that requires a great deal of responsibility and should never be abused. You not only carry within you the power to produce a new life, but also to bring complete ruination, deprivation, and suffering onto a completely innocent person.

Women cannot expect men to be gentlemen in a society where women are no longer ladies. The more they become like men, the less men will see a need to marry them, or support them, even when they become pregnant and are saddled with children.

The feminist movement has now created an expectation in the minds of men that even mothers with small children should work outside the home equally as hard as they do. In other words, they now expect women to work two shifts a day. Many men do not want to be saddled with the burden of having to support a wife or family. These modern day male gold diggers carefully consider a woman's income earning potential a modern day dowry, and will not marry a woman unless he can be assured of her income earning capabilities. After marriage, he expects his wife to return to work soon after the birth of their children.

Nevertheless, many women are not all that comfortable with the pressures now placed on them to be breadwinners first and mothers second.

A woman married to this new breed of man often finds herself in a terrible predicament. If she doesn't comply with his expectation, he may divorce her, or at the very least, resent her for not carrying her share of the burden as a family provider. If she works, she has no choice but to leave her children with others.

In the famous book by Pearl S. Buck The Good Earth, about a family living in China over 100 years ago, Wang Lung's first wife, O-lan, was a workhorse who labored in the fields alongside her husband. O-lan even went back to the fields within minutes after giving birth to her children. As a Chinese slave-wife, O-lan was no different than the modern day workhorse mom. Ironically, Pearl S. Buck herself was a crusader of women's rights. I wonder what Ms. Buck would think of these women who must labor all day at a job and then come home to work a second shift?

The other predicament that women like this find themselves in, has to do with the division of domestic duties. When women first began working outside the home, especially those in the higher professions, they truly believed that men would obligingly pitch in with household chores. Oops. Big mistake. It didn't work.

When a man comes home from a hard day's work, he doesn't want to have to do chores like cooking and cleaning. He's right to expect this. After all, he's already put in his time. In a modern household where both partners work, this has created a terrible way of life for many women. Someone is stuck having to do the chores and it's usually the woman. Men simply aren't domestic creatures. They are biologically programmed to be hunters and protectors, not keepers of the hearth.

A married, working mother is more likely to get into an argument with her husband over domestic duties because men almost never do their share of household work. She often finds herself to be very frustrated, tired, and dissatisfied, because she is trapped between constantly arguing with her husband, or doing the chores by her self in order to keep the peace. Many divorces occur because married women nag their husbands unreasonably about domestic chores.

The truth is that men are not going to change. Why? The notion of forcing men to rein in their basic natures is as silly as asking three-hundred-pound football players to prance around a football field like ballerinas so that delicate and petite one-hundred-pound women can be their 'equals' in the game. All men have to do is stay away from the house, get divorced, or simply refuse to marry a woman who makes such demands on him. A man will easily find himself another woman.

Women who, in their quest to force men to be equals in the domestic world, foolishly consider men who won't put on an apron, do the dishes, or scrub the toilet, to be rotten, lazy jerks. They may get rid of these rotten, lazy jerks by divorcing them, only to find that the majority of men in the dating pool are rotten, lazy jerks, too.

The feminist movement has also caused a great deal of damage to children. A woman who truly believes that her own fulfillment in a career is more important than being there for her child is wrong. Raising a child is the loftiest career a mother can have.

Suppose there were two surgeons, a husband and his wife, who worked fourteen-hour days in operating rooms at the same hospital. Most people would admire and respect them because they devote so much of their time and energy to perform skilled and delicate operations.

But what if they had a child who spent most of his waking hours with a nanny? Even if the child had a loving nanny and the child benefited from the relationship, the parents will have hired the most important job in the world out to another person, and would be taking a big chance. Even if a nanny is loving, nurturing, and doesn't eventually abandon the child by leaving her position, there would be consequences.

Those who are wise have always known what the experts are scientifically beginning to prove: during a child's earliest years, the bond he forms with his care giver is the strongest bond of his life. The person who feeds, clothes, bathes and instructs a child on a day to day basis is the person who will forever be the recipient of that child's deepest affections. A child may keep how he feels to himself, but he will always have the most love in his heart for the person who was with him every day.

One of the ironies of parents who leave their children to be cared for by others when they are young, is that these kinds of parents often become more interested in getting to know their children after they are grown, only to have their attempts rejected by children who no longer care. This isn't the only tragic thing that can result from raising a child this way.

No child should be sacrificed to a career. A child is not a toy or a pet and there are consequences to not understanding how important it is to be with one's children, day in and day out. Ironically, there are much poorer parents who live in tiny apartments or homes, who are doing a better job of raising their children with love and attention, simply by having the mother stay home.

The stay-at-home-mom, gets to be at home for all of her children's special moments. She has the opportunity to form close bonds with them, cook for them, and teach them life's lessons.

She awaits her children with love and support when they walk through the door, or she is the one who picks them up after school. She lovingly prepares her family sit-down meals and is there to dry her children's tears, or listen to her husband's troubles. In most states, she can home school her children, if she wishes to do so.

Perhaps she and her husband have to limit their desires for certain material things in order for her to stay home. They may not be able to afford a second car or even a newer car, a cellular phone, or cable television and may have to live in an apartment instead of a home. She may have to sew clothing for herself and her children, or buy second hand clothing, as well as used furniture, but they are willing to make these sacrifices because they know the importance and value of giving their children a foundation of nurturing love and a stable daily routine.

True happiness comes from a close relationship and the joy that it brings. This can only come about with a rhythmic daily effort. In fact, the truest form of happiness only exists in daily life. A roomful of fancy toys will never equal or replace the well being and richness a child feels who is loved and well cared for. A child's life is worth more than all of the treasures in the universe, and her emotional well being is worth far more than a million dollars. Adults who have grown up in poor, but loving homes, often remark that they had no idea that they were poor as children, because their lives were so rich.

When a working woman thinks back to all of her accomplishments, having worked at a career for forty years will still not have as much significance as having fostered a loving relationship with her husband and children. Parents who don't understand this, are often insulted when their grown children don't appreciate the material comforts they were given. Many children who were generously provided with expensive clothing and other things, still resent having grown up in families where there was no love.

Many young women are not bothering to prepare themselves for the possibility of becoming stay-at-home-moms. The words "I don't cook," are exclaimed over and over again by women in the work force all over America. They pronounce these words as if not cooking is a status symbol. A woman who exclaims these words is conveying the message that cooking is beneath her. Unfortunately for her, not being able to cook isn't going to look good on her resume, if she's looking for a man who is willing to work hard so that she can stay home and be a domestic goddess. What kind of man would want to support a stay-at-home-wife and mother who does not greet him with a home cooked meal?

Cooking is one of the simplest ways to bring love into a home, and it is a skill that is developed over time. It's a good skill to learn when you are a teenager. When you first marry a man, there are many adjustments to make for both people. No man should have to adjust to your bad cooking.

One of the most meaningful things a woman can do is to bring her family together at a dinner table which has been lovingly set with delicious food. She is not only bringing them together, she is also creating wonderful memories that her children will carry with them the rest of their lives. Many adults often reminisce about Mom's or Grandma's home cooking.

When parents have dinner with their children, it gives them a chance to get in touch with what is going on in their children's lives and give them advice, if they need it. Mothers who work, may produce some kind of meal, and it may even taste good, but as they are too constrained by time to fix a homemade meal, it just isn't the same. This is the case now for many women who have no choice but to work outside the home. It isn't fair to either the mother, or her children. Children need good, wholesome foods that are made from fresh ingredients.

There is nothing more important, or loving than when a stay-at-home-wife pampers a hard working husband with a good evening meal. After all, if he is the one who must get up early and go to work in order to support their family, he should be made to feel like he is a king in his own castle. Cooking and keeping the house beautiful are small prices a woman must pay for the opportunity to develop close bonds with her children, or to develop her talents, and work at her hobbies, which more often than not, also contribute to a warm and cozy home atmosphere.

If you learn how to cook in this time of your life, you will feel comfortable doing it for a man when you want to make a good impression on your future Mr. Right. Even now, you can practice cooking for a boyfriend. Boys love the smell of cinnamon rolls. It is one of the most pleasing smells you can bestow on a man. If you saw the movie Clueless, you'll remember a funny incident in which Cher put a loaf of bread in the oven to impress her date. Unfortunately her loaf burned, but she still had the right idea. There is an old saying, "the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

Keeping your room neat and helping your mother with household chores will ultimately come in handy if you one day become a stay-at-home-mom, even if you don't much like doing housework. I can understand why you may not like doing chores and I don't blame you, because the house you are cleaning now isn't really yours. It belongs to your parents. When you grow up and get your own place, you will be more likely to take pride in keeping it clean.

A woman's chances of marrying a man who is a good protector and provider must give him a good reason for wanting to provide for her and their children. No man feels compelled to provide for a bossy, aggressive, unfeminine nag, or for a woman who has proven herself to be promiscuous and irresponsible. Nor does a man feel particularly obligated to support a woman who can't show him the appreciation that he deserves.

### The universal law of cause and effect

The causes you make today will decide what effects you get tomorrow. Call it karma, or whatever you wish. For every action you take, for every word you speak, and for every thought you think, there will be a consequence, be it major or minor, permanent or reversible. You may not experience any consequences right away, but in time, the effects of your deeds will come back to you. It may take months, or it may take years, but you will not be able to run from your past.

The most important thing you can do to insure a happy future for yourself is to maintain control of yourself. The first bodily functions a child learns to control are his bladder and his bowels. As children mature, they learn how to control other behavior as well. They learn how not to be disruptive in the classroom and how to wait for traffic signals.

Behaving in an adult manner means being in control. Wild teenagers who are out of control, lack maturity. They are like kindergartners pooping in their pants. The more in control you are of what you say, what you do, and how you think, the more maturity you possess.

Sometimes being in control of the little things help you control the bigger ones. Controlling your posture is an example. Controlling what comes out of your mouth is important. It is an aspect of controlling your temper. Controlling yourself when tempted with a sexual situation is a mature and responsible thing to do. A girl who is in control of her self, especially when she is in a situation where she is tempted into sexual activity with a boy, will always have an edge over girls who aren't willing to control themselves.

### Put your goals in writing

In order to achieve a goal, it's important to have a goal. Putting that goal in writing is a way to clarify exactly what you want in your life. Don't show it to anyone, not even your best friend. It is no one's business but your own. You must first have a dream before you can make it come true, and it may not always be the same thing your parents want for you. First and foremost, it must be what you want.

If you want to graduate from college and then find and marry Mr. Right, and have X number of children, write it down. If you want to keep a promise to yourself to remain abstinent from sex until you marry, make yourself a promise in writing.

If you are a religious person, and you pray regularly, a written account of what you want will come in handy during prayer time. The spiritual power that you believe in, whatever it may be, wants your happiness. Don't be afraid to think about the distant future during your moments of prayer.

Now is the time to clarify to yourself what deeds you want to do to set those eventual consequences in motion. Writing your goals down will help you pay attention and keep focused on your goal.

Maybe your parents keep talking about what they want you to be when you grow up. You, on the other hand, have a completely different idea of what you want. If there is something that you really want, but are afraid to tell them because it's the opposite of what they want for you, at least write your wishes down. You'll have something in your possession that is not only yours, and yours alone, but will help you focus, when you get sidetracked. Parents can be very persuasive and are good at dangling carrots in front of their children. Your goal is to stick to what you want, not what they want for you.

Perhaps you come from a broken home where your parents are divorced, and you only live with one parent. It may be your goal not to repeat history. Write down ways in which your life will be different than that of your parents. Remember, keep it to yourself. Your dreams are no one else's business. Always keep in mind that you are the one responsible for making your own dreams come true.

### Make happy memories, not regretful ones

It may seem like a million years before you are going to be an adult, but what you do during this time of your life should never be taken lightly. One thing all adults possess are the memories they have from their past. When you have a sweater that gets grungy and old, you can give it to a thrift store and forget about it. You can break up with a boyfriend, but one thing you will not be able to get rid of are your memories.

What kind of memories do you want to carry around with you into your adulthood? Think about this very carefully. Memories have incredible power to influence you, even many years later. Your brain is like a permanent hard drive. Everything you do gets loaded on there as part of your memory bank. In the case of a computer, the hard drive can be erased. In the case of your brain, it cannot.

A memory of having done something foolish will stay with you. If you have been mean to other students at school, you may not feel the least bit of regret right now, but one day it will hit you. You will find yourself feeling terrible about what you've done, and you will have no way of changing the past. Even if you personally apologize to the people you were mean to, it will still ring hollow. And you will have already caused irreparable damage.

A girl who becomes sexually active at a young age will find herself with a memory bank of sexual experiences which she may eventually come to regret. Many of these regretful memories are impossible to clear from one's brain. No girl needs to carry around the memory of when she performed oral sex on some boyfriend who was only using her. You don't want to be a middle aged woman thinking about all the dumb things you did and wishing that you had known better.

Try to keep your regrets to a minimum. Following the advice in this book will help keep you from creating regretful memories. Regretful memories can affect not only you, but everyone in your adult life. They can affect your relationship with your husband and how you treat your children. If a woman was a bad girl when she was young, it will affect how she treats her daughter. She may turn into the kind of mother who is overly suspicious of her children and makes their lives miserable.

Regretful memories from your teenage years will even affect your old age. Promise yourself that you will keep your regretful memories to a minimum. When you are in your rocking chair as an old lady, you will be able to look back on your life with happiness and pride.

### A lesson from history

The women who propagated the messages of the feminist movement want you to think that women's lives have changed for the better since the movement began. There is no question that women now have more opportunities in the working world, but in other ways, their lives are more complicated than the days of your grandmother, and your great-grandmother.

Before feminists began to wreak their havoc, women used to take it for granted that they would marry and have children. For most girls, it was considered their birth right to grow up and become mothers. However, nowadays, some middle aged women have found out the hard way that it isn't so easy any more to find Mr. Right and settle down to a life of married bliss. Unknowingly, they often started down this road when they were in their teens.

When women became more aggressive and masculine, it brought about a marked change in how women are now treated. For instance, the ever so feminine actresses of the black and white movie era in the first half of the 1900's led lives that were in sharp contrast to actresses of today. The movies coming out of Hollywood may be fictitious, but the changes that have occurred are not only very telling, they often reflect how things are in the real world.

Even though women are supposed to be more liberated now, female movie stars back then had far more opportunities when it came to getting dignified and complex acting roles. That wasn't all. In Hollywood, being feminine also translated into earning power. Leading actresses often made higher salaries than their male co-stars. In the 1920's, the silent screen star, Mary Pickford, earned far more than any other film star, male or female. In 1917, a woman named Lois Weber became Hollywood's highest paid writer, director, and producer.

Unlike the black and white era, most movies today are dominated by male actors that are produced for male audiences. Now, even the highest paid actresses do not command as much pay as the highest paid male actors. In other words, it's more of a man's world than ever when it comes to show business. Of course, there are women producers and directors, but they are in the minority.

A small handful of leading actresses may get to play leading roles in movies in which the central figure is a woman. However, most actresses, if they want to be able to work at all, find themselves having to take roles in male oriented films. On top of that, they often end up portraying the characters of women who are negatively depicted as bossy know-it-alls, karate chopping macho women, ditzy air heads, sex pots or desperate, man hungry women who have either been rejected, or fail at finding romance.

If an actress does get a good part, it is not uncommon that the movie is either a remake of a movie from the black and white era, such as The Little Shop Around the Corner, which was remade into You've Got Mail, with Meg Ryan, or it is based on a book from a bygone era like Emma with Gwyneth Paltrow, which is based on Jane Austen's book from the early 1800's. Not coincidentally, these films required a poised and feminine actress to play the role.

Feminists don't want you to notice that long before the man hating messages of the women's liberation movement came along, women already had opportunities in the business world and the freedom to pursue a career, if they so wished.

In the 1880's, no one stopped a young, single woman named Elizabeth Cochrane from having a career in journalism. She is also known as the famous Nellie Bly who traveled alone around the world in seventy-two days and reported about her adventure. Nor did anyone stop a young African American woman named Dr. Justina Ford from attending medical school, and opening up her own practice in Denver, Colorado in 1902, in spite of having to face racial barriers. In the 1920's, a demure little dressmaker in Paris named Coco Chanel was on her way to becoming a multimillionaire as the president of her own world famous fashion and perfume empire. She is the woman famous for inventing "the little black cocktail dress."

My own grandmother, who was born in the 1880's, not only went to college in the early 1900's, she entered the work force as a commercial artist at the age of fifty-three, after her children were grown. No one I know today was more content with her life than my grandmother. She retired from her job in 1970 at the age of eighty-five, just when the women's liberation movement began sending women the message that no educated woman should be stuck having to stay at home and raise her own children.

Modern day feminists don't want you to know how the pressure for women to work outside the home, as well as the attempts women have made to be men's equals has actually reduced a woman's choice of whether she wants to be a stay-at-home mom or not. Since the beginning of this movement, which was supposed to make life so wonderful for women, the divorce rate has quadrupled in the United States, and a great number of single mothers are now forced to leave their children with others so that they can earn a living.

These women, along with married women who must also work, often experience the everyday stress of fighting their way through traffic, on crowded streets and freeways, which is yet another consequence of the movement. Feminists would hate to think that their movement has contributed to worsening traffic and air pollution, but they can't deny that prior to the movement, when a man was the sole provider for his family, a couple shared what was known as "the family car." Nowadays, freeways are clogged with the cars of husbands who drive in one direction, and wives who drive in another, each to their respective jobs.

Women who must work can be likened to worker ants, and those who have the luxury of being stay-at-home moms can be likened to queen ants. Many of these worker ants aren't the least bit happy about their fate. Perhaps they still remember the days when women weren't forced out into the business world.

Since fewer and fewer women get to be queen ants by choice, there will come a day when the profession of being a stay-at-home-mom will be the ultimate status symbol. In fact, it is already beginning to happen. When a working woman finds out that an acquaintance is a stay-at-home-mom, it is not uncommon for her to treat the stay-at-home-mom condescendingly to cover up the fact that she is, in reality, quite jealous. Ask any young stay-at-home-mom if she has experienced this kind of treatment from her working acquaintances and she'll likely tell you that it is true.

### Summary and Conclusion

Just because women have been foolish in the past, it doesn't mean that girls your age must repeat history. You can be different. You can cause men to treat you differently. Nothing is written in stone. But you must understand that men cannot be expected to behave like gentlemen in a society where women no longer behave like ladies.

# About the Author

Susanna Godoy Lohse is the author of three other books. Before finalizing her first novel, _The Peerless Dulcinea_ , she adapted it into a screenplay that won a Gold Award in the Family/Children category of unproduced screenplays at the 37th Annual WorldFest Houston International Film Festival. She lives with her husband of many years in a tiny home on a hill in Texas.

# Back Cover

