hello everyone and welcome back to
passion Sunday's the best way to end the
week and start another our guest today
is got a PhD in psychology specializing
and happy parenting Justin :
thank you very much for being with us
today it's gonna be really myself it's
an interesting topic I see people talk
about happiness people talk about
parenting but putting both together is
an interesting twist tell me more when
you watch parents walk down the street
with their children what sort of look do
you see on their faces you know parents
don't tend to be going this is great you
see them in the shops with their
children and they earn a free and they
look miserable
everyone thinks that parenting is
supposed to make us happy
having children is supposed to bring us
joy but when I was studying what I
discovered his research tells us that
having children is not the same as
having happiness in fact quite often
they they can be they can be counter
productive you know children while they
wake us up in the middle of the night
they won't eat the food we give them
they have problems with their friends
they they don't know how to use
bathrooms and toilets properly when
they're young when they get older we
start to worry about sex and drugs and
rock and roll all that sort of thing
having kids can be really hard work but
there was something inside me that I
just thought even though kids are hard
work and even though the science says
that it's hard to be happy and be a
parent there's got to be something more
to it so I went to school spent eight
and a half years studying undergrad
post-grad PhD and and did my studies in
happiness and parenting and I learned a
whole lot about how people can be happy
and I don't learned a whole lot about
parenting and I also learned about how
parents can be happy that sounds like
phenomenal service to the world and a
great business opportunity and it sounds
beautiful when it's beautiful how about
when it was getting tough because I'm
sure when you said I want to put
parenting and happiness together it
didn't just gel well I have six children
Wow yeah and they're all girls and
and I've got a I'm gonna love them like
crazy but there are there have been days
where I'm not happy to be a dad there
are days where I think oh my goodness I
just want to get away from it they're
stressing me out and and and after one
of those particularly unfortunate days
where it was just a bad day was bad day
for the kids and it's a bad day for me I
realized that implementation and
knowledge are totally different things
you can know everything about it but if
you're not implementing it the knowledge
is pointless and I made a commitment
that day that I would not get angry
again that I would not allow my
children's challenges to frustrate me
and I think that there's an important
lesson here not just for parents but for
leaders if you if you lead a team if
you're a manager if you're a if you're a
teacher and educator and you've got a
room full of people that you have some
sort of responsibility for every now and
again they're gonna start flinging their
crap out you you know they could they're
gonna start flinging stuff at you that
you don't want to have to hold or clean
up and some parents some leaders some
teachers some managers they go and pick
up all that mess and they start flinging
it right back and it turns into a very
it's a big fight that you know it would
be impolite to call it what it really is
we don't want to have that experience in
our homes or in our workplaces and so
what I do is I teach people how you can
deal with that stuff that's being flung
at you without flinging it back but also
without being a doormat you know because
parents are all managers it's not our
job to have people wipe their feet on us
we're supposed to guide them and help
them and so that's what I'm about and
the interesting thing is when we do this
right you know when we spend time in the
relationship when we look at our kids
who are struggling and recognize that
our child isn't a challenge our child is
experiencing a challenge or our team
member isn't a challenge okay
our team member is experiencing a
challenge we don't point at them and say
the stuff that you're a problem and you
need to sit in your room and figure it
out you need to you know you here's your
written warning figure it out or you're
off the team
we don't do that instead we say Mustafi
you're having a challenge and I'm here
to help you what what can I do to help
shifting the mindset which is so hard to
do in the moment but but when we shift
that we change our families we change
our relationships we build trust we
change our workplaces our teams we
create a different culture and as a kind
of culture where we don't have to get
frustrated and angry we can actually be
happy because we're serving one another
I love it then and it's so beautiful and
I get excited about that and equally I
see times in my head as you're talking
where I've tried that and for some
reason that person did not want to
because they're also dealing as you said
with their own emotional stuff so if
you're coming from a space of awareness
and you're passionate about them so you
really want to help them especially if
it's a family member sometimes if it's a
team member it's easier to let go you're
off the team yeah or or whatever let
them be yeah but if it's a family member
and you know you've got girls and if
they're doing something which you feel
is not good for the future you truly
believe you have to protect them from
something and then that becomes a
challenge in him because you're a
passion for something is fighting with
their passion for doing that something
how do you resolve situations like this
sometimes you can't resolve it in the
moment okay you know sometimes you've
just got to say all right I'm not gonna
be able to behave at my best so I'm
going to send myself to my room and I'll
come out when I can behave like an adult
okay sometimes we might say to the kids
at the moment you don't seem to be
responding to what I'm offering why
don't we just call it quits for a bit
and we can come back and talk about it
later
it's very rare that issues have to be
resolved right here right now we get
caught up in our own emotions that we
want yeah right now sometimes they do
sometimes we have to say you wear your
seatbelt or we don't drive and as the
parent we have to say this is my
decision and I have to make sure that
you do this because you're three and you
don't get to decide this but most of the
time as our children are getting older
and they're you know they're fighting
with the sibling or they won't share or
they're having a an argument about their
curfew or whatever it might be we can
actually take that time away and we can
come back and let me come back there are
three things that we need to do I call
them the three E's we need to explain
this is what I expect and why here's my
rationale explain we need to explore
help me to understand how it is for you
help me to see the world through your
eyes why is this so important
you why are we having this conflict
where's this power struggle coming from
this obviously matters to you but but
why and then we need to empower we say
to them all right
I've explained where I'm coming from
we've explored where you're coming from
where to from here what do you think we
should do how can we get through this
you might even say if you are in my
position what would you do now this
works in families with kids from about
the age of 3 or 4 up it works in teams
it works in classrooms any setting where
you've got some sort of relationship
conflict if you explain explore empower
you get phenomenal results and for you
to be able to explore explain and
empower you need to be really passionate
about the topic because otherwise you're
not gonna have the stamina to do it or
to stay at it that kids have got so much
energy for the things that they believe
in yeah and I actually watched so many
parents especially as children get older
like I become teenagers i watch so many
parents just check out you know they and
in fact my oldest daughters about to
turn 18 at time of recording this and I
I've had her say things to me like dad
why do you even care none of my other
friends parents care they just let them
do what they want they don't they don't
have these conversations anymore and and
I said that who I'm not checking out I'm
in this relationship I'm your dad I love
you I feel if you don't walk away from
this and neither do i we figured this
out beautiful it says that Shane Shane
how passionate you are about about her
yes beautiful not about you being a
parent about her as a person
right and and I'm assuming that would
have worked back at least to a certain
extent to have her stay with that
journey yeah yeah yeah and sometimes we
have to step back from it again and say
all right not now we'll talk about it
tomorrow let's try again but I let her
know work I'm not walking out of this
you matter too much beautiful you matter
too much that's the kind of passion we
like in parenting yeah thank you very
much for this amazing interview I really
loved it awesome passion what do you
think I really hope you found this
episode about parenting as passionate as
I did if so leave your comments on the
blog
and do share it with other parents and
if you'd like more tools tips techniques
and exclusive interviews that I only
share on my website go to Mustafa comm
and until next episode live passionately
you
