

Unhinged

Copyright 2019 Steve Galley

Published by Steve Galley at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to Smashwords.com or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Written for those who suffer in silence.
Table of Contents

Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Prologue

Summer in Montreal was coming to an end and my mind was dark and forever brooding. Something had changed inside me when I started high school. I started feeling like I was off in some way, and now, in my last year of high school, I was going south in a big way. I seemed to be getting into trouble all the time and I was spending most of it living in the darkest, loneliest place on earth – my mind. I wanted to cry out loud, but I couldn't, no matter how badly I wanted to. I felt as though my brain was bleeding tears inside my head.

Every night I would lie down while my brain raced with dark, torturous thoughts about an eternal universe where my brain would float all by itself. Who was responsible: me, God, my father, his father? It wasn't wise to lay blame because whenever I did, it fueled the rage that burned inside me. No matter how I tried to outrun and outfox my demons, nothing seemed to keep them in line. So, I fought with myself, my father, and anyone else who came looking for it. I liked people but it seemed better to spend as much time alone as possible in order to avoid potential conflict. Usually, I love life—even the simple things, like playing football on a fall day—but when the Hunter haunts me, all my joy is taken away.

I was friends with all different groups of people at school. I went on lots of dates, had a great group of best friends and played sports. I smiled on the outside while this horror movie played in the back of my mind twenty-four seven. What changed was never the movie, but instead how loudly it played in the background. Some days it was a faint hum, and other times it was the only thing I could focus on. Nobody knew what I lived. I battled ups and downs regardless of what was going on in my life. There never seemed to be rhyme nor reason for these moods, although things always got a little worse when conflict arose. I prayed for answers, but they never came. I spent any unoccupied time trying to figure out how to quiet a racing mind and soothe a soul that felt it was doomed to eternal damnation for being wicked and unworthy.

A month into school and I still couldn't really get into any sort of routine. Every morning was started the same way: I opened my eyes and jumped out of bed. I always woke up in a state of high alert, a kind of hypervigilance that made me feel like someone was pointing a gun at my head. It took only a few seconds for my mind to start racing, for the movie to start playing. I began pacing back and forth trying to stop the chatter. I looked at my phone and it was 4:00 a.m., the witching hour and one of the loneliest times of my day. Twenty unread text messages I didn't have the time, energy or focus to look at and answer. I always woke at this time regardless of how tired I was. It was always sudden like a lightning bolt shot through my body and asked me to pay attention. My engines inside would start revving at a hundred miles an hour setting myself up for some serious angst.

I got out of bed and walked over to my window to stare into a dark-blue sky. The street was empty and quiet as I opened the window and smelled the air while looking up and down my street, trying to take my mind off my gloom and sorrow. I was sad and lonely beyond description, in depths of despair that left me breathless. I shook my head, trying to break out of my thoughts and just be in the here and now. Hell, I'd give anything not to think, just to be, to live, to experience life.

I looked down at my phone again. 4:10. Time just drags in this state; minutes feel like hours. I lay back down on my bed and grabbed the football lying beside my end table. I started throwing it up and catching it on the way down, trying to calm down and get my thoughts onto something constructive. I tried thinking about what I could do on the weekend, who I might see and where we might go, but the Hunter was calling out to me.

I see the same old movie is playing this morning, Eddie, and you keep trying to change the channel. I won't let you. I am going to color your world black and take your soul to the depths of despair while bringing up all your screw-ups. I will make sure they play over and over like a broken record. I am the Hunter, Eddie, and I will follow you twenty-four/seven until I break you. There is no escaping me; I am inside you, a part of you and I have but one goal. To kill you Eddie, that's right kill you, nothing less will suffice. I know you like to try and fight back but you are no match for me, and I promise you will lose this battle. Go ahead put that smile on we'll see how long it will last. Keep trying to push me out. You may get me out for a short time, but I'll come back, and I never quit Eddie.

I didn't know what to make of how I felt inside my brain. All I knew was that it made me feel a bit better to refer to whatever was going on as the Hunter. That way, I was fighting this person and not my own mind.

By then, I had so much nervous energy flowing through my veins that I could no longer stand it. The Hunter once again had me swimming in sadness and jacked up on high alert, waiting for impending doom and nowhere to go except crazy. At these times, I welcomed losing my mind so I could have some peace.

I needed to run, as fast and as hard as I could. I put on a pair of running shoes and made my way outside. The air was cool and I started running at a good clip. It would take time for the buzz to set in and take the edge off. I looked up into the sky and saw a bunch of stars. Angels, my grandmother told me, looking down on us and always ready to help those in need. All you had to do was ask. I can't tell you how many times I've asked for help, how many times I've begged an angel to quiet the noise in my head or give me answers to the questions that keep my head spinning. I don't know how much of an answer I was ever given but I can tell you this, there were times I had one foot in the grave and one in the psych ward and I would drop to my knees and pray as hard as I could. The fact that I am still here tells me maybe I did get some help, at least enough to fight another day.

I didn't want to die, and during my rare moments of peace, I was able to see the beauty, wonder, and mystery of life. I feel so much and those I love I do with all my being. That emotion was what kept me hoping that someday it could fill me up and move all the anger, sadness and pain out of my being.

I ran close to an hour before finally finding some peace. I kept walking around the neighborhood until the sun came out. Then I went inside and took a quick shower before everyone got up. I got dressed and headed out the door to make my way to school.

Chapter 1

I arrived just as the bell was ringing to start classes. It was a beautiful October day, which made it harder to spend inside the cement cage. As I made my way across the front plaza at school, I said hi to a couple of girls heading inside, and had a quick handshake with a buddy of mine. I then noticed two rough guys staring me down. They looked older than high school students and I had never seen them before. They didn't say anything to me, so I kept walking.

I had a gym class to start the day and made my way into the locker room to change into my uniform. The room was empty, and I started taking my gym clothes out of my bag. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder and when I turned around, I took a punch square on the nose. It was one of the two chumps I had seen outside earlier and I was more startled than hurt. I reacted quickly and ducked down to pick him up off the ground by his legs and drive him into the lockers headfirst. He wrapped his arms around my back and used his weight to try and bring me down. I let go of his legs and pulled away and began swinging. He did the same and we grazed each other a few times.

I was a better puncher, but I had little room between the lockers and the back wall to throw good ones. I connected with a left hook that got his attention and he did his best to keep me out of his range thereafter. He tackled me and were wrestling and bouncing each other off the lockers when a teacher walked in and told us to break it up and leave the room immediately. The thugs got out of there quickly and I was left wondering what the hell had just happened.

At the end of the day, I walked out of the building and I saw the person I had fought months ago standing with the two thugs. I think his name was Liam and there was no doubt in my mind this fight was far from over. Perfect timing, as everyone was leaving school for the day.

The chump who had jumped me earlier said menacingly, "When you backed up your boy Clark in August at that party that was my younger brother you beat up." He said pointing to the guy he had been with earlier in the locker room. "I'm here to give you some payback. Don't worry, my brother and my bud are only here as a backup. This will be one on one." He smiled and I knew I was in trouble. A crowd started to gather and I could hear my name being whispered.

He was a few inches taller, forty pounds heavier, and from our earlier tussle, I knew he was very strong. He was in my face now and I backed up, put my hands up, and started throwing. I caught him with a jab and a quick right. I found myself on the receiving end of a left hook that I never saw coming. I lost my balance and took two boots to my ribs before I could stand back up. I was swinging fast and hard and my arms were getting tired. He had a big reach advantage and I knew I'd have to get inside to take it to his body. I tried to get in close to him by crouching down and rushing him as I put my head into his chest to protect it and gave him a couple of body shots that made him yelp. He leaned over the top of me and pushed all his weight down on me, and I collapsed to my knees. He grabbed my hair and slammed my head into the pavement with a crack that I could hear and a white light flashed through my brain.

I was lucky. Snooze—one of my football coaches—was walking across the front plaza. He ran over and pulled the guy off me as he was about to smash my head into the pavement a second time. "Break it up guys, break it up! Everybody get out of here, now!" The three of them ran off and the crowd dispersed. Snooze looked into my glazed eyes while asking me a few questions. He took a handkerchief from his pocket and pressed it against a cut on my head.

"Are you dizzy? Can you walk?" he asked.

"I'm good—a little shaky is all."

"Who were they?"

"I had a run-in with one of them a while back. I guess they figured it was round two."

"I'm going to take you to the nurse's office."

"Do me a favor, Snooze. Don't tell her I was fighting. I have a meeting with Principal Vic about that scrap last year in the bleachers. If he finds out about this, I'll get suspended for sure," I pleaded.

"I'll tell him you were horsing around with some teammates and were accidentally pushed into the wall. But you have to promise me that if these clowns come back, you'll steer clear of them. Then come and get me and I'll deal with them."

I nodded and thanked him.

The nurse cleaned and disinfected the cut, then told me it wasn't deep and could be closed with some adhesive strips. She asked me lots of questions to make sure I was coherent. She gave me a pamphlet that described the symptoms of a concussion and said that if I had any, I should go see a doctor immediately. She called my mother to have her pick me up, so I made my way outside into the parking lot to wait for her.

My buddy Clark saw me walk out of school and ran over to me. His mom lived in the country so he always stuck around school later waiting for her to pick him up. He was a great guy, never had a bad word to say about anyone. He played sports, partied hard, studied enough to get by, and loved having good time. We were close but different. He could laugh at himself and he never took anything too seriously. He was patient and relaxed and let stress roll off him like water off a duck's back. He had his own stuff to deal with, he was awkward around girls and struggled in school but for the most part, he was one of the happiest guys I knew. He wasn't aggressive by nature, although sometimes when he drank too much, he would shoot his mouth off.

That's what happened in August when we were hanging out a couple of days before school was starting. It was the last big party before our last year of high school was about to start. A few guys were getting loud while outside smoking and Clark said something that set one of them off. Clark is strong, but he can't fight and this guy knew what he was doing. He leveled Clark and was about to do some serious damage, so I intervened. I picked him up and slammed him onto the hood of his buddy's car. I told him there was no need for any of this. I apologized for Clark who was being a smart ass. I told Clark to clam up and we walked away.

Now Clark was looking concerned. "Word is out you had a scrap. Did this have anything to do with you bailing me out of that fight last month?" he asked as he came up to me.

"It was payback."

"I'm really sorry, Eddie."

"Relax, buddy, it's all good."

He looked at my head and my swollen face. "This is all my fault. Do you want to get back at this guy? I will gladly back you up."

"I'm going to let this one go."

He kept apologizing and telling me he would stop being mouthy from this day forward.

"Let it go, man," I said. "You've had my back a ton of times."

My mother pulled up to the curb, and Clark said hello to her and walked back to the entrance to wait for his mother. I opened the car door to get in and could see her crying. She worried about me all the time, it wasn't my first scrap, and this wasn't the first time I'd come home from school with an injury. I was her firstborn and full of piss and vinegar and she couldn't understand why I wasn't excelling in school when I was considered bright—I always seemed to find trouble in one form or another. I would have loved to tell her that my brain was too busy fighting the Hunter to stay focused on my studies, but I didn't know how to do so without crushing her.

We drove for ten minutes before speaking, but she kept glancing over at me as she finally broke the silence.

"You're going down the wrong path, Eddie. Things are getting out of hand. We're only a month into school and here you are fighting. I'm not sure what to do with you anymore. Nothing good will come of this behaviour. One day something tragic will happen and we're all going to pay for it. Are you involved in drugs?"

I gave her a look of disbelief. The last thing she had to worry about was me doing drugs. My mind scared the hell out of me enough without feeding it.

"I'm not doing drugs and I've never done any."

"What was this fight about?"

"Nothing for you to worry about."

She was quiet for a minute while wiping the tears from her eyes. "I don't know where I went wrong with you. Obviously, I am doing a lousy job at parenting."

"You're a great mom, OK. I promise I'll try to stay out of trouble."

I reached over and turned the radio up and stayed quiet for the rest of the ride home. I went straight into my room to listen to music and put the fight out of my mind. The fact that I lost was eating me up. I kept analyzing where I had gone wrong and what I could have done differently. My phone was buzzing all night with notifications from friends asking about the fight. Some were genuine messages of concern but I knew the majority just wanted the gossip. God, I hated losing. My mind was racing, and it was lucky for me that I was spent after that fight as I was able to fall asleep quickly and sleep through the night.

Chapter 2

The next day I woke to see the sun shining through my window and I could barely open my mouth as I remembered the scrap and didn't need to look at a mirror to see my swollen face. I could feel it and that didn't bother me, but my bruised ego sure did. The Hunter had lots of material to work with today.

I got off the bus and went over to the front plaza—a cement courtyard the size of a football field where people gathered before the bell rang to start the school day. Half the students stayed out while the other half spent their time in the cafeteria but I preferred staying outside until the bell rang. I did my usual rounds of greetings to most of the groups hanging around, everyone anxious to hear what had happened the day before. I kept my explanation short and sweet and was able to turn that story around into a humorous story that still made it clear I was pretty tough. I got some good laughs from the guys, and a couple of girls came to inspect the damage on my face.

I heard someone call out my name and looked around to see Jess, a close friend of mine I had known since kindergarten. She was a beautiful, bright, and sweet girl whom I loved very much as a person. We had never been more than friends, so we were able to do so much together over the years without things getting all complicated. I listened to all her problems and she listened to mine, never judging and just being there for each other. In grade school, we walked home together every day and usually spent one night a weekend hanging out, watching a movie together or listening to music and I would give anything to have those days back.

Jess was living a different life now, and heading down a wrong path, as cliché as that is. She changed once we hit high school, she was so self-conscious, and for the first time, I realized that she was really insecure. It boggled my mind how someone so beautiful on the inside and out could feel that way. Her dad had left the family when we were in grade four, and she was never the same. She idolized him and wanted so much to please him, but he never paid her any attention and when he left, he never even tried to get in touch. Her mom had to work two jobs to make ends meet, so Jess and her two siblings had plenty of time alone to find and get into trouble.

Jess's trouble came with boys and I can tell you that she knew how to pick real winners. They treated her like garbage, she started doing drugs, but it only made things worse. The people she started to hang with were corrupt and selfish and the boys she dated in that circle brought her no end of pain. Her latest boyfriend was a beauty and I had a bad feeling about him. He had a temper and an ego with a tiny brain, and nothing is more dangerous for a girl. I walked over, and she reached out and gave me a big hug.

"What happened to your head?" she asked.

"I... fell." I laughed.

"You keep scrapping and one day you're going to get badly hurt."

"Don't worry about me. Where have you been? I haven't seen you in over a week, Jess!"

"I uh, had the flu and I couldn't shake it." She said eyes looking downwards as she rubbed the back of her neck.

"I heard you managed to make it to Lynda's big party last weekend."

"I didn't stay long."

I knew she was full of it and I could tell by the look of her she'd been on a bender. Her eyes were blood-shot, her cheeks hollow and sunken and her skin a pasty almost grey color. Her hair was matted into a bun and it made me angry. She continued to avoid my eyes, using the toe of her shoe, she started grinding an old cigarette butt into the ground.

"Jess, the way you live your life is starting to show on your face. You look as though you haven't been to bed in days. Are you OK?" I put my hands on her shoulders and shook her, forcing her to return her gaze to me. I just wanted her to take me seriously.

"Just having a rough time with Jimmy. I think he's cheating on me and I'm having trouble sleeping." She answered backing away.

"I don't know what you see in that guy, Jess. You're so much better. There's always problems between you two and you never seem to have much fun, so I don't see the point."

"I really like him, Eddie. I can't help it, he makes me laugh and we do have fun." She undid the bun letting her hair fall as she ran her fingers through it trying to tame it and then started braiding it.

"Tell me what you've done lately with him that was fun?"

"We went to Lynda's party and had a blast together."

"And got high as kites, beat the hell out of your brains, spent a ton of money. . .and that's a good time, right?"

Finishing the braid, she already looked a little better. She zipped her sweater up all the way, putting her hands in the pocket and sighing deeply. She pulled the hood over her hair and looked away. This is what she did whenever I tried to open her eyes. She would completely shut down, become numb. I was almost jealous of the way she could block her emotions like that but I needed to let her vent.

"Listen, Jess, you know I'm just looking out for you and I don't mean to hurt your feelings. I'll shut my mouth now, OK. As far as him cheating, I don't know who he would find that could hold a candle to you."

She lifted her head and smiled at me.

"What makes you think he's cheating anyway?" I asked.

"I've seen some texts to another girl, and I know they had a fling before he and I were exclusive."

"What, was he hitting on her? Did he profess his love for her or something?"

"No, I just have a bad feeling about it."

"You should stop looking at his texts. It will drive you crazy always worrying about what he's doing. If you can't trust him, then I say move on. Let's do something this weekend to take your mind off all this."

"I'd like that, Eddie."

"Great. I'll message you and we'll set it up."

Even though our conversation ended on a good note, I still felt completely unsettled. Jess hadn't looked that bad in months. My nerves would be racing all day. The bell rang to let us know classes started in five minutes, so I hustled to my locker to get my math books and head to class.

My first class of the day was math and we were only a month in but it felt like I was already falling way behind. The first week of review went fine, but since then, nothing had stuck for so much as a second in my head. My attention span was limited at the best of times and I was starting to feel like a dumb ass. That wouldn't have mattered so much if not for the fact that the girl I had a crush on since eighth grade was in this class. Her name was Jillian and she was bright and beautiful, one of the smartest in the class. She was in one or two of my classes every year and at the start of each year, I promised myself I would ask her out. So far, I hadn't been able to follow through and this was my last year to try.

The stupidest part of it was that I was more than familiar with the female population of our school. I had been on tons of dates, had lots of friends who were girls and had even had one long-term relationship. Still, I never felt capable of asking Jillian out. I don't know if it was the smarts or maybe her complete lack of interest in me, but I never felt like I actually had a shot with her.

As I made my way into the classroom, I could see her sitting in the first row against the wall. There was an empty desk behind it so I made my way over to it while staring at her as she wrote her notes. She was wearing a pair of tight faded jeans and worn-out black Converse shoes. She wore a loose-fitting gray wool sweater that hung off her shoulder, her long, dark brown hair falling in waves down her back. She had big blue eyes, an oval face with high cheekbones, and a wicked smile with perfect teeth when she showed it. She was a pretty serious girl who seemed to me to be far more mature than any of us. She never clowned around in class and always paid attention. It was all business from start to finish of class. It was so hard to approach a girl like her but I never had a problem approaching other girls and I loved to flirt, but this was Jillian and I was dumbstruck.

I sat down behind her, opened my notebook, and took a pen from my pocket while staring at the back of her head, wondering what it would be like to run my fingers through her hair. Goofy, I know, but that is what I did every time I sat in class with her. I leaned forward and took a deep breath and smelled the perfume she wore. I knew that smell by heart and whenever I smelled it anywhere it brought a smile to my face and thoughts of her. If she only knew what I was thinking right now— Hell, if any of my buddies knew, they'd think I was off my stick. I wondered if she ever thought of me during class or at any other time. Did she think I was cute? If she did, she kept it well hidden. She smiled at me if we saw each other in the hallway or in class but she never said anything to me. But the same could be said of me and look how I felt about her. Maybe there was hope and she did think about me sometimes.

A girl sat on my other side, pulling me out of my daydream.

"Hey Eddie." She said as she pulled her books out of her bag and onto her desk.

"Hey Cassandra." I replied.

"So, um, I just wanted to let you know we're having a bonfire by the lake this Friday, and it'd be really cool if you came." She kept twisting the cap on her pen as she looked at me grinning. I smiled coyly, leaning back in my chair.

"I'm not a hundred percent sure what I'll be doing on Friday, but I'll definitely try to stop by."

"Sounds good. We're thinking of meeting there at 9 so come any time you can."

"Okay Cassandra, I'll see you then." I shot her my classic grin and started to open my notebooks. She sat there adjusting her hair behind her ears smiling back.

There was a good chance I wasn't going to get to the bonfire, but it was nice to be able to make Cassandra happy for a moment. Starting this week with a fight and seeing Jess had kind of set the stage for the Hunter to be in full force and the chance of me getting to the bonfire in this state was slim but I wanted to go, believe me; I just didn't know if I could.

The teacher walked in as the last bell rang and class started. She began doing equations on the board. Ten minutes in and I was lost again and unable to make sense of anything she was explaining so I started imagining what it would be like if Jillian was my tutor and I had to meet her after school. We could get to know each other and talk and yes, I know I wouldn't understand a thing because I'd be enthralled by her and just as lost as I am in class. Still, it was a great thought and one that kept me occupied for several minutes, during the course of which the teacher asked me to answer a question for the second time as I sat there oblivious. "Eddie, are you with us today?"

I nodded, apologized, and said I could not answer the question and then I just stared down into my notebook. Paying attention in class was never easy for me, whether I was daydreaming about Jillian or trying to answer questions that my own mind asked me. The way my mind flipped was comedic to be honest. My mind could daydream about Jillian one second, and then the next start asking questions about the meaning of life, no warning. I wonder if Jillian could ever like me? What happens when we die? Should I ask Jillian to be my tutor? Is there a God? If so, who or what made he or she or whatever it is? It was hard to understand or retain anything in the state I was in. I knew I was smarter than my grades showed but until I could get a handle on whatever was running my brain—or not running it, I should say—there wasn't a whole lot I could do except go through the motions and hope for the best.

After class, I was feeling lame and decided to skip the next one and go outside for a walk around the football field in the hopes of settling my racing thoughts down. As I walked through the glass doors that led to the back of the school, I took a long, hard look at myself before opening one. I looked normal on the outside and why the hell was so much turmoil going on inside me and making me feel anything but normal?

I ended up staying in the library for a couple of hours after school trying to get myself organized and got home late for supper. I walked into the kitchen to find my parents and younger brother Trent eating dinner.

"There's stew in the pot on the stove love. Help yourself," my mother said.

I took a bowl out of the cupboard walked over to the stove, filled it up and sat down. Nobody was talking, and that was a sign my father was in a foul mood. I took three bites and he started in on me.

"You left all your workout clothes in the hallway again."

"Sorry, I was in a rush."

"You're always in a rush and I'm tired of tripping over all your stuff. Stop using this house as your private dumping ground, you understand me?"

I kept eating and didn't look up, but I knew his eyes were locked on me.

"Where're your manners, boy?" He questioned, dropping his fork onto the table and throwing his hands in the air. "You're stuffing your mouth and shoveling the food down a hundred miles an hour."

I glared at him, continuing to shovel the food while Trent kicked me in the shins from across the table. He hated it when my father and I went at it and my mother tried to make small talk by asking Trent and me a few casual questions about our day, but my father was having none of it. He had a bee in his bonnet, and he was going to get it out even if it meant we all walked away from the table with our stomachs in knots.

"I spoke to your principal today," he said clasping his hands in front of his face, looking right at me.

"Can this wait until after dinner?" my mother pleaded shakily stirring her soup.

My father ignored her. "He says you've already missed a couple of days of school and you're only a month into school and based on how last year ended, I can guess your grades won't be up to par... again. He doesn't figure you're living up to your potential."

I kept my mouth shut, grinding my teeth, hoping his tirade would be done more quickly without me fighting it.

"He told me you have a meeting with him about a fight you were involved in last year and it may result in a suspension." He was grinning, like being right about my failures was somehow satisfying to him.

"I'm going to work everything out with him, and I won't get suspended." I retorted, flashing him my very own grin.

"If you do, you'll be looking for a job to pay rent so you can live somewhere else." He got back to eating his soup unphased.

I didn't answer, and his calm demeanor did not last long. He abruptly stood up slamming his fists onto the table, the chair squealing as it dragged along the floor.

"Do you understand what I'm saying, boy?" I stayed quiet and he persisted in getting my attention. He walked over to where I was sitting and put his face right in front of mine. I just kept spooning soup into my mouth. "Look at me when I'm talking to you, Eddie."

I dropped the spoon and looked up at him.

"Since when do you care about how I do in school anyway?"

"Watch your mouth, smartass," he said waving his finger in my face. His cheeks were flushing with red hot anger, teeth grinding harder by the second.

By now, my shin was bruised from Trent's kicks. I had to get up or risk saying more as I stood up and carried my plate to the dishwasher.

"Why does this have to happen? Why can't we ever eat in peace?" my mother questioned as she too stood up from the table to bring her dishes into the kitchen. She wiped away tears, her lip trembling. I don't know why she bothered asking when this was a weekly occurrence in our household.

"I'm the bad guy, right. It's me who started this?" my father asked.

"I asked you not to talk about anything with Eddie during supper and you couldn't do it."

I walked past my father and down the hall.

"That boy has a dark side let me tell you. He's a loose cannon!"

"And how is this helping him?" my mother pleaded.

That was all I heard before I slammed the door behind me. It was pretty obvious that talking to my dad was a risk because it inevitably brought the Hunter back into my mind. I was walking on eggshells around my dad on the best of days, and when something came up that gave him ammunition, my nerves were shocked into overdrive. I needed space, and the only place that didn't feel suffocating was outside. I walked for hours and hours, feeling sad about the fight at school, about my dad and about my seeming inability to control anything that came out of my damn mouth. The sadness became anger, and eventually, I made my way home when I thought my parents were asleep.

Chapter 3

One week ended, and the next one started like any other. I never made it to the bonfire, but I got a bunch of texts about it and apparently, it was a great time. The Hunter had been pretty active last week and I just wanted to keep to myself. When the bell rang for the last time to end the school day, I made my way to my locker. I had to put my books away and grabbed a new pair of cleats I was going to break in at football practice today. I was undoing my lock when Clark jumped onto my back and put me in a headlock. We wrestled around for a bit smacking each other in between the rows of lockers.

"Get ready for one hell of a workout, brother! The coaches are on the warpath after our loss to LCD last week. I saw Coach Snooze and he told me we're having a meeting in the locker room before we head out onto the field," Clark said. "We need a serious workout after that humiliating defeat."

I put my books inside the locker and grabbed my cleats. "I hope those are going to make you faster, Eddie."

"Fast enough to nail your sorry ass when you come out of the backfield and try running down the sideline," I replied, shoving him out of my way to walk down the hall. I held the laces and threw the cleats over my shoulder. I gave a quick nod to a couple of girls walking down the hall. I knew one of them but couldn't really tell who the other girls were and they were all pretty cute.

We walked into the locker room and talked with our teammates for a few minutes before the coaches walked in and asked us all to sit down, I was telling everyone about the fight.

"Damn Eddie, I can't imagine what's going to happen to them the next time you see 'em eh?!" My buddy Pat said, laughing and slapping his hand on my back.

"I don't man, we'll have to see what happens!" I chuckled uneasily. I hated retelling the story of any fight because I was supposed to be proud of fighting. I was proud for standing up for myself but the violent behaviour was disturbing to me, and I wanted to keep it out of my head. Just being involved in the fight was enough to keep up this persona I hated playing, whether I had won or lost, but I was thankful our coach had walked in and the entire locker room went silent.

Our head coach held up a newspaper clipping and read it aloud. The article went into detail about our game against LCD and how we had been outplayed. Our second and final game against this team was coming up in a couple of weeks, and we needed a win to clinch first place in our division. He made it clear that today's practice was going to be a killer and anyone who didn't give his all on the field would be benched next game we played. Nobody likes riding pine, so we all went onto the field pumped and ready to go.

We did an intense warm-up that included a dozen forty-yard sprints before lining up offense against defense to run plays. Snooze, who was our defensive coach, wanted to practice defending against some of LCD's most often run plays. Clark was a running back and I was a defensive back. He was quick and once he picked up steam, he could outrun most people.

We set ourselves up to defend against a reverse LCD loved to run. My job was to move up and run Clark out of bounds if he was able to get through the line and past the linebackers. The whistle blew. I watched him come out and backpedaled more than I should have. By the time I started toward him, he was going at full steam and I didn't have a hope in hell of catching him as he ran down the sidelines and into the endzone. Snooze was furious, and he smacked me on the helmet. He called me a dumb ass and said if that happened again, I was done. I made sure to angle myself properly and come up closer the next time and I hit Clark before he could get up to speed. Our helmets collided and my bell was rung, but Snooze was happy, and I would start the next game.

After practice, Clark and I sat in the bleachers talking while he waited for his mom to pick him up. His parents were divorced a few years ago and he now lived with his mom on his grandparent's farm in a small, rural town thirty minutes away. He loved it out there but he didn't want to switch schools, so he made the commute daily with his mom who worked in this area.

"So, dumb ass, you coming to my party?" He laughed.

"Absolutely. When is it? How many people are going?" I replied. I had totally forgotten about it.

"It's in 2 weeks, and I have close to a hundred people coming. It's going to be insane! I cleared the barn out and set speakers up inside so we can blast music and play some serious beer pong and anyone who wants to stay over can. I cleared it with my mom. She'd prefer people to stay so nobody drinks and drives. Make sure to tell Rob about the party, he's always fun to have around."

Rob was a good buddy of ours who graduated last year. We boxed together at a local club.

"I'm sure he'll be up for it." Rob loved having a good time. Never needed a sip or hit of anything to be the most fun guy at the party.

"Tell him to bring Beth and her girlfriends."

"Why? So you can stare at them and run when they start talking to you?" I asked.

"No more running. I'm going to pour on the charm once I drink a couple of bottles of courage. Actually Eddie, can you bring some girls too? Anyone you haven't hooked up with would be great. I don't need that kind of competition on my first shot." he said with a laugh.

"Get your head out of the clouds Clarke. Yes, I'll tell some girls." I told him rolling my eyes.

"How's Rob doing anyway? I haven't seen him much since summer." Clark asked.

"He's in trade school taking carpentry and loving it. I've been training with him a few times a week getting myself back in shape."

Clark and I talked for another 20 minutes before his mom arrived to pick him up. She offered me a lift, but I told her I wanted to walk. I loved being outside, especially at dusk when the world seemed to slow down and get quiet. It was getting cooler in the evenings and the sunset earlier now that fall was around the corner. I loved the change of seasons and fall brought so much color into the world. I left school and went to a convenience store to pick up a bottle of orange juice to sip on the way home; the best after practice drink.

Our school was near the train tracks and after getting the juice, I decided to head toward them. I loved walking beside the tracks and watching trains go by. I would imagine where they were going and where they had come from. The trains screamed freedom and adventure to me.

I had walked for a couple of miles before I heard the sound of a freight train coming up behind me. I stood in the grass and leant up against the fence waiting for it to go by. I counted the cars that were being pulled by two locomotives and stopped at a hundred. I smiled to myself, thinking about what it would be like to jump onto one of the cars and ride it down the line until I found a town I loved, somewhere I could get a fresh start and reinvent myself. Moments like this were indescribable: it was like even the Hunter was momentarily infatuated with the trains, and I could breathe a real breath of fresh air.

A gust of wind pushed me back into the grass as the caboose went by, I watched the train until it was out of sight. The sky was getting dark and the stars were out in full force by the time I arrived home. My parents were in bed. They never worried about where I was, not for lack of caring but just because my schedule changed so much with boxing, football and work. I was exhausted after a full day and went to bed planning my future trip to somewhere far away from the Hunter and his demons.

Chapter 4

Thursday rolled along. I made my way to the boxing gym for a workout. I changed into my workout clothes and headed into the training area. Rob was sparring with another middleweight. He was tough as nails and had over a hundred and twenty amateur fights under his belt, winning most of them. I was just a beginner with only one fight under my belt. He had taken me under his wing and taught me much over the past year. We sparred many times and he never tried proving anything to me, always pointing out when I was leaving myself open or leading with my head. He could have taken my head off my shoulders many times, but he never did. Although, occasionally, he would ring my bell to make sure I understood the importance of good defense. I smiled at him as I walked by.

"Make sure you're good and warmed up for me, buddy!" he yelled from across the gym.

I laughed, then walked over toward the back where I could wrap my hands. The wall there was covered in mirrors allowing fighters to watch themselves while practicing proper technique.

We followed a circuit and our workouts consisted of doing exercises for three minutes at a time with a minute break in between. A timer was set, and a buzzer went off to start and stop each round. Fighters would start here by skipping rope for three to four rounds. Then we'd follow it up with shadow boxing and working on technique for another three to four rounds. Then it was over to the speed bag for a few rounds, and the heavy bag for a solid five. Sparring was the last part of the circuit and the most grueling.

I completed the circuit and bent over trying to catch my breath. Sweat was dripping off my body. When I stood up, Rob was in front of me. He was going to prep me for my upcoming fight and we were going to spar for five rounds.

"Let's see what your packing today, brother. Coach Lorne is ready for us."

I walked over to my coach and he helped me put on headgear and a pair of sixteen-ounce gloves. We competed with ten-ounce gloves however, the heavier the gloves, the softer the blows, so we sparred with sixteen-ounce. Don't kid yourself though, when a guy like Rob hits you with a solid right or a good left hook you feel it. Headgear will absorb twenty percent of the shock and reduces your chance of being cut, but I've seen people get floored wearing it many times.

I stepped into the ring, Rob was in his corner, shadowboxing while waiting for the buzzer to go off. When it did, we met in the center and tapped gloves and began to spar. I was nervous as usual when I first stepped between the ropes, but once I was hit a few times and warmed up, the butterflies subsided, and I was more able to focus.

I spent the first two rounds working on my footwork and delivering most of the punches. I could tell Rob was holding back and throwing only jabs and the odd right. By round three, he had stepped it up and was throwing combinations as Lorne coached me from my corner. I was starting to eat leather by round four, and his punches were getting harder. By the end of round five, my face hurt, my nose was bleeding, and my teeth felt like they were about to fall out. I was starting to take my gloves off, and Lorne yelled out.

"One more round, boys, one more round!"

We went hard and I gave it everything I had. My muscles were burning with every punch and jab but it felt so good. When I was ready to give up, a new type of energy flared inside my bones that made me feel like I had some sort of control in my life. I couldn't control much but I could decide whether or not to give up.

"Good job, Eddie, I knew you had one more round in you. A couple more of these sparring sessions and you'll be ready for fight night," Lorne said as he removed my headgear.

I was drenched in sweat and ready to hit the showers. Rob stayed in the ring. He was going to break in a newbie. He motioned me over and I walked to his side of the ring. "Listen, buddy, Lorne wanted me to go hard to make sure you were good and ready for your next fight. I wasn't trying to hurt you. I wouldn't be doing you any favors if I went easy for all five rounds." The buzzer sounded.

"No worries man, text me tomorrow night if you're up for doing something," I replied.

"Sounds good. As long as all my teeth don't fall out between now and then."

I laughed and made my way to the showers. Rob was a good guy, and I knew he would never try to hurt me. He knew what his abilities were and never felt the need to prove how tough he was to me or anyone else.

I showered and said a couple of goodbyes to some of the regulars. I went home to find Trent waiting for me on the porch.

"We going to the batting cage, Eddie?" he eagerly asked.

"You bet. Anyone home?"

"No."

I went into my bedroom and grabbed some money and stuffed it into my jeans. Trent and I hopped on our bikes and made our way to the batting cages, where we spent an hour hitting baseballs. Trent always wanted to hang out with me, and my friends like most younger brothers do. He was fifteen and even though there was only a three-year age gap between us, Trent just seemed so innocent and unfazed by life. I wanted to do everything I could to protect him from feeling the way I did every day, preserve that innocence. I liked doing these outings with him once a week. It was our time to catch up and it made me feel better. I got a real kick out of talking to him, and some of the questions he would ask me. He was a good-looking kid, but he was shy and uncomfortable around girls. He'd been out with a few on dates but had never gone steady with any one girl. He didn't play many sports; he was into cars and mechanical stuff.

After hitting baseballs, we went to a junkyard on the edge of town, and I bought him a few parts he needed to rebuild a small engine he was working on.

"Thanks for getting me the cylinders, Eddie."

"Maybe you can build me a car one day, Trent."

"I could do it now if I had a body to put it in."

I was saving up to buy myself another car by bagging groceries at a supermarket part-time. I worked a few nights a week and one day on the weekend. My last car cost me a thousand dollars, and I drove it for two years before it died. Most of my friends had cars, so I never had a problem getting around, and I liked walking and running so I could always get where I needed to be.

My stomach was growling.

"You hungry, Trent?"

"Starving actually."

"I have a few bucks left. Want to head over to the burger shack?"

He grinned from ear to ear and off we went.

"Can I get the big double?"

"You can get whatever you want, buddy."

We sat down in a booth beside the window and began to devour our food. Trent was done in record time, and he looked up at me and spoke.

"I think I ate too much; my stomach hurts a bit."

"I think maybe it's the fact you wolfed that fully loaded double-decker down without taking more than two breaths of air, you idiot." I laughed. "So, Trent, any cute girls in your class you want me to set you up with? I'm pretty charming you know." I winked at him.

"I kind of like this girl actually." He admitted, looking down as his cheeks flared red.

"What do you mean kind of like her?"

"I mean, I don't know, I think about her lots and I get excited when I get to see her in English." He said sipping on his soda.

"Do you ever talk to her?"

"I say hi and sometimes we talk in class before the teacher comes in. She sits beside me most of the time."

"Is it assigned seating, or can you sit anywhere you want?"

"Anywhere you want."

"And you're usually in class before her and she comes in and sits beside you?"

He nodded.

"She likes you, Trent. You need to act on that soon."

"Are you saying I should ask her out?"

"Yes, ask her if she wants to go see a movie or come here for a burger with you."

"What if she says no? I'm going to feel so stupid."

"Trust me, she won't say no and if she does, it's her loss. You're a good guy, Trent, and good looks run in the family." I pointed to my face and laughed.

"I'm not as confident as you are around girls though, Eddie."

"You know why I'm confident, Trent?"

He shook his head.

"I'm confident because I know who I am and what I stand for. I know there's only one me in this world and I own who I am."

Are you really that confident Eddie? You lost that fight last week. You're going to lose your battle with me. You're constantly questioning yourself. Where exactly then, is this confidence stemming from?

The Hunter was present yet again. Whenever I boxed, I could physically feel myself fighting him, fighting the demons and I was able to get some relief. Maybe it was the concentration or the effort but whatever it was worked. The only problem was that eventually, it wore off and the Hunter would come back. I hated that it happened when I was with Trent. I did believe what I was saying to him, but it didn't mean the Hunter wasn't constantly telling me otherwise.

"Do you ever think you're not as good as someone else?"

I took a deep breath before answering. I was going to try as hard as I could to fight the thoughts the Hunter was berating me with.

"Never! I think I can do anything I put my mind to. I'm not saying I can play sports as well as professionals or anything like that. I'd put myself up against anyone else in most other matters though. I believe the same is true for you, Trent, and anyone else willing to put the effort in."

"I'm not that popular and sometimes I think it's because I'm not as good as the other guys in my grade."

"It has nothing to do with that. I'm going to be honest with you, Trent. You're quiet and you don't play any sports, and there's nothing wrong with that. It just makes it harder to get to know people. If you met more people and they got to know you, you'd be the most popular guy in ninth grade."

"Do you like being popular Eddie? Everyone at school knows who you are, even kids in my grade."

I waited a minute before answering. "That's a tough one. I do and I don't. I like people and it feels good having lots of friends, getting invited to all the parties and girls giving you attention. The problem is you start thinking you're supposed to live up to some standard people have set for you. You start worrying more than you should about how you look and act. You start to care more than you should about what people think because you want to make sure you stay on top. Kind of freaks me out to be honest."

"Do you still worry about stuff like that?" he asked. I shook my head and waited to swallow a mouthful of burger.

"Do you remember when we were much younger, and Dad asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up?" I asked Trent. He looked at me questioningly.

"You answered you wanted to be yourself and I remember because Dad made a big deal out of it. He thought it was the coolest answer. Now, I worry about being myself more than I worry about who is going to like me or not. That means I worry far less about being popular. Don't you ever try to be someone you're not, Trent. It'll make you miserable."

We spent the next hour talking about girls and school. I even let him talk my ear off about some vintage Corvette he wanted to remodel one day.

Talking to Trent eased my heart in a way I think kids do. How Trent was the way he was blew my mind considering the stuff my dad pulled with him at home. I don't know if it was because the Hunter took every ounce of patience I had, but I could never control what came out of my mouth. I was impulsive to such a risky degree, yet Trent was able to totally disengage when my dad was doing the usual bullying. I knew it hurt him, but he never seemed resentful. I admired Trent for always seeing the good in people no matter how terrible they treated him. A blessing and a curse, I guess.

When we were done eating, we walked to the counter to pay our bill. I recognized who was working, a girl named Kathleen in my grade.

"Hey Eddie." She greeted me with a big smile.

"Hey Kathleen. How's it going?" I asked pulling my cash out.

"Not bad at all. I'm pretty excited about Clark's party next weekend. You must be going too right?" She asked casually as she counted the money.

"Yes, I'll be there. I'm excited too, should be a good night." I said smiling.

"Okay, well I'll see you on Saturday then." She replied handing me back my change. She adjusted the baseball cap she was wearing and looked me with a huge grin.

"See you Kathleen." I gave her a quick wink and turned around.

"How do you make it look so easy Eddie?" Trent asked.

"A lot of practice buddy, a lot of practice." I sighed.

We biked home. I hit the hay, exhausted from fighting the Hunter.

Chapter 5

Before I started high school, I had a simple weekend routine. I hung out with Jess almost the whole weekend, with maybe a football practice or game at some point. As I got older, though, the Hunter got worse and worse, and I did everything I could to make sure I had no spare time where I could sit and think. That's what was deadly, the thinking. Working a part-time job worked twofold. It gave me hope that one day I'd save up enough money to get the hell away from here for real, and it also gave me an excuse to avoid parties and stuff. Every time I thought they'd make me feel better, I'd leave feeling drained and exhausted, pretty much leaving an open invitation for the Hunter to invade my mind. I decided to go see Jess after my shift at the grocery store. We hadn't seen much of each other this summer and I owed her the visit after skipping out on a couple of parties she hosted.

I got to Jess's around 4 p.m and was met by her mom who let me in while calling out to Jess. We spoke for a few minutes before she left for work. She was a nice woman and I liked spending time with her. She was a single mom holding down two jobs to try and make ends meet. Her husband and Jess's father left them high and dry many years ago and hadn't been heard from since. She loved her children, but she was rarely home and the responsibility for caring for the two younger children largely fell on Jess. She doted on her siblings and was always there for them.

"Come on upstairs, Eddie!" Jess yelled down when she heard her mom leave.

I walked into her room to see her sitting on her bed, propped up against the headboard and looking at photo albums.

"Eddie, come here. I have to show you some of these." I sat down beside her. She reached down and held my hand and squeezed it for a minute before letting go.

"I'm happy we can spend some time together, Eddie. I've been getting sentimental lately for some reason and thinking about the old days. It must be because this is our last year of high school...crazy. Do you remember this teacher?"

She pointed down at an old class picture from grade school.

"Look at you, Eddie—all teeth, but what a smile."

"Is that you sitting in the front row with the blue skirt on?" I asked her.

"That was probably the last time I wore a skirt," she said.

Man, I thought to myself, to think such a cute and innocent little thing would end up caught up in the world she was in now.

"I think it was around grade four you started turning into a real tomboy and playing with and the boys at recess and lunch."

"Soccer and touch football. I carried my own, Eddie."

I smiled.

"For a girl you did all right."

She punched me in the shoulder, and we laughed and proceeded to go through every class picture from kindergarten to eighth grade.

"Let's go outside and throw this around for old time's sake. See if you can still catch one of my perfect spirals," I said as I reached over and grabbed a football lying on the floor.

"For sure, let me get some running shoes on."

We went out into her yard, turned on some music, and started casually passing it back and forth. Jess did have a good arm and could catch just about anything you threw at her. I liked throwing a ball around. It gave you something to do while talking instead of sitting around. I was better moving and never could sit still for more than a short period of time. The Hunter thrived on stillness.

"You work things out with Jimmy?"

"I asked him about the texts, and he told me it was a girl he worked with at the club. He was helping her out of a jam is all, and she was in a serious relationship with a guy she had been seeing for six months. I'm going to take your advice and not bother looking at his texts anymore."

"I have even better advice for you, Jess."

"So, tell me."

I held the football for a few seconds, spinning it over in my hands. I looked at her and threw it back.

"Move on from this guy; he's trouble. I've been talking to some of the boys I train with at the boxing club, and they bounce at the club where he bartends. They tell me he's dealing and that only leads to one of two places. Jail or the grave. You don't need him bringing you with him, Jess."

"He's not dealing, Eddie. I mean, he might sell a little so he can get some freebies but it's inside the club where people come to him. It's casual and I'm never around when he does it."

I shook my head in disbelief.

"Are you jealous because he's dating me and you're not?" she laughed.

"Oh ya, that must be it." I gave her a big smile and she tried to switch the conversation.

"I don't want to talk about Jimmy today. I want to hear about you and what you've been up to, Eddie."

"I've been training a lot with Rob lately, getting pretty good actually."

"He's cute for a guy with a flat nose. Last year we sat beside each other in history class, we talked all the time."

"That's the kind of guy you need to be dating, Jess. There's no BS with him and he's honest as the day is long."

"I can't help it, Eddie, I like my bad boys. Is Rob still trying to set you up with Judy?"

"I don't think so. Nice girl though, and very pretty."

"Sounds like she could be a catch."

"I'm sure she is, for someone looking for a girlfriend."

"You hate being single, Eddie, and you have been for a while now. What's up with that?" She smiled. "I know what it is. You're stuck on Jillian, aren't you?"

I got a stupid look on my face but didn't respond.

"Why haven't you asked her out yet?"

"I'm working on it."

"Chicken, you've been working on it since we started high school. What are you afraid of, Eddie?"

"Not sure, I just want to make sure I do it at the right time."

"I think you're afraid she might reject you and that would kill your ego. I don't think you have anything to worry about and I think you should do it sooner than later. What if some other guy beats you to the punch?"

"Then it wasn't meant to be," I replied.

"I say make it happen, Eddie. Just go for it! Do you want to finish high school never knowing what could have been?"

"It's because I'm afraid of being rejected, OK! I've never gone for a girl this out of my league. What would someone like Jillian want with a scrapper like me? What if she laughed in my face? My confidence has never really been shaken, and I don't the idea of that happening. You happy now, I admit it, I'm a chicken. Going long!" I said as I ran a post pattern toward the end of her yard. Jess threw a perfect spiral and I caught it and ran back and tackled her softly.

"Are you hungry Eddie? We have some great burgers we could grill out here on the BBQ."

I was never one to say no to free burgers. We fired up the grill and cooked those burgers to perfection before loading them up with everything under the sun—hot peppers, tomato, pickles, onions. After eating I lay down under a big maple, she had in the back yard and Jess sat beside me. A plane was flying overhead.

"I wonder where they're flying to? Probably going to some exotic island," Jess said.

"Do you still go down to Valois Bay and watch the freight trains go by? Counting cars, reading what's on the side of them trying to figure out where they come from and what their hauling?" I nodded.

"I also imagine what it would be like to hop on one and let it take me to the end of the line wherever that may be," I said.

"It would be exciting, that's for sure. I think I'd get too lonely being away from my family and friends. Do you want to get out of here as bad as ever, Eddie? Even though things didn't work out for you last time you tried?"

"More so now. I need to give it another try. I'm having a tough time dealing with the fact that I failed."

"You didn't fail, Eddie, you had the guts to go and try something new and it didn't work out, no biggie. Next time everything will work out for you I know it will."

We were silent for a few minutes before Jess spoke.

"I missed you a ton when you were away. I'm glad you're back."

"Next time I leave I'll make sure I have a place that's big enough for you to come to stay with me, Jess. You can visit me as much as you want to."

"What are looking for that you can't find here?"

"I'm looking for peace, a simple, uncomplicated life somewhere that nobody knows me and I can get a fresh start."

"Do you think there is such a thing as a simple, uncomplicated life?"

"I'd like to think there is. Seems to me the happiest people are the ones that live that way."

We were silent for a moment before Jess spoke.

"You deserve to live a good life, Eddie. You're a good person and you've always been there for me."

I looked at her and smiled.

"You deserve a good life too, Jess."

I meant what I said to her. She really had a heart of gold and was always helping some lost cause get out of a jam.

"I don't think I do deserve a good life. I think I'm a bad person."

"You hurt yourself, Jess, and nobody else. That doesn't make you a bad person. Trust me. You deserved better in lots of ways. Like having a father who partook in your life and was there for you when you needed him."

She stared down at the ground.

"Maybe I did, who knows."

"Does your mom ever hear from your old man?"

"Not a peep."

"Does that bother her?"

"I've talked to her about it and she said she's happy about it. He's a loose cannon and things would get real chaotic if he came into our lives."

"How do you feel about it, Jess?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I think it would be nice to get to know him and other times I feel like why bother. Anyone who can desert their family and leave them hanging isn't worth my time. I often wonder how things would have turned out if he had stayed. The stress my mom is undertaking a toll on us all, but hey, we all have our stuff to deal with, right? Look at you. Your parents are together and you've always said you'd all be better off if they separated. I think there is less damage caused by an absentee parent than by an abusive one, but that's just my opinion." She looked down avoiding my gaze, knowing I full well did not want to discuss my dad while we were having such a nice time.

"You plan on having kids one day, Jess?" I asked, switching the conversation. Her face lit up as she replied.

"I want a bunch. I love kids. I think about it all the time. I sort of know what it's like after doing so much for Kate and Tom when they were young. I was like their second mom. Speaking of, I have to go make them some lunch; they'll be home soon."

I sat up and we walked inside and spent the rest of the afternoon talking and entertaining her siblings.

I left her house around eight, it was dark, and the sky was blue and full of stars. The air was cool now and I took a few deep breaths and could smell wood burning. I could see the smoke coming out of a chimney on a house on the corner. I loved that smell, it soothed me, made me wonder who was sitting in front of it and what they were doing.

The smell made me think of Jillian and how badly I'd like to spend a night in front of a fire with her. At that moment, I decided to take the long way home and walk past Jillian's house. Maybe she'd be outside, and I could say hi in a casual way, and we could talk and that would make things easier. No such luck, tonight was no different than any other time I had walked by her house hoping to see her. Nobody was outside, a few lights were on in her house and as I looked up at the windows on the second floor, I wondered which bedroom was hers. Was she home? If not where was she, what did she do in her spare time? All these questions I had could be answered if I could just grow a pair and ask her out or at least talk to her. Man, I wish I was giving her a long, slow kiss right now and spending the night with her. I thought it best to keep walking so I wouldn't look like a stalker. I hustled down the street and wasn't in the mood for going home.

Talking to Jess about the train made me realize I hadn't gone down to watch the freights go by nearly as much as I used to since I came back from my aunt's at the start of summer. I went to the old Valois station and sat on a bench. The place was empty. All passenger trains had stopped running by now and the freights didn't start rolling down these tracks until after eight. It was five minutes to and the tracks ran east and west, and I looked in both directions to see if I could spot the lights of an oncoming locomotive, but it was pitch black.

I remembered sitting here a year ago waiting to take a train heading west. I was going to stay with my mother's sister and her husband to get away from home for a while. Things were getting really heated between me and my father, I was getting into my fair deal of trouble in school. Everyone, including me, thought a new start would make everything work out.

I was hopeful and at first when I arrived at my aunt's. Everything seemed great. Her husband John welcomed me with open arms and seemed like a great guy. It was peaceful around their house most of the time and I didn't have to walk on eggshells. I was enrolled in a new school, tried out and made their football team, and started working part-time at a local restaurant.

I thought for sure the change in venue would bring me the peace I so desperately craved, but I was wrong. The Hunter had followed me and was hard at work chipping away at my sanity. I was feeling as empty and lonely as I ever had. I couldn't help thinking I had abandoned Trent all alone in our house. I hoped the feeling was a temporary thing and that slowly but surely, I would start to feel better.

While waiting for that to happen, I started going out a few nights a week with John, who I came to realize wasn't all that happy living with my aunt. He liked to drink and could go all night and drink more than anyone I knew. He and his friends liked the strip joints and seedy after-hours bars and I would be their designated driver. I had no time for either. I found these places to be dark and gloomy, and my sadness was overwhelming whenever I was in either.

With each passing week, he was going out more and more. He was in sales and used the excuse of entertaining clients as the reason he was spending so much time out of the house. His lifestyle and my participation in it were wearing thin. I was waffling back and forth trying to figure out what was the lesser of evils, staying here in a land without morals or going back to the circus at home. The deciding factor was my realization that I had not been able to outrun the Hunter and his band of thieves who continued to steal my joy and happiness and replace its sorrow and pain. I might as well be back home where I could see the friends I missed so much.

Sitting here now, I wasn't sure I made the right decision. Maybe I should have been more patient and toughed it out. Perhaps the Hunter would have left me alone for a while. Having it out with my old man last week sure made me question my decision. I realized that arguments between us were escalating much as they had before I left home. If he and I continued down the path we were on something terrible was going to happen. The tension was affecting Trent and my mother too. They were passive people who didn't deal well with conflict. I didn't want to hurt either of them, so I figured the best thing I could do for now was to keep my mouth shut and not respond to my father's badgering. Good luck with that, I thought.

The sound of an oncoming freight train took me out of my head. I looked up to see the headlight of a locomotive coming from the west. I could feel the vibrations as it approached. The whistle started blowing as the train passed by, and a gust of wind pushed me back against the bench. I counted thirty rail cars of wheat. It was eerily quiet after the train past and a lonely feeling was creeping up on me as I sat staring up into the night sky.

Trains come and go Eddie, but I am here forever. I followed you to your aunt's house. I will follow you home tonight. I will follow you wherever you go. Why couldn't you just be a normal kid Eddie?

Chapter 6

The next week went by and it was finally the weekend. I worked a twelve-hour shift on Saturday. Clark's party was that night, and it was taking everything in me not to call and cancel, especially since I had gotten out of work so late. I had no lift to the party and there was no public transportation out that way. I had already missed the bonfire, and Clark was counting on me to be there. I owed him after being so MIA in the summer. I really wanted to believe that maybe this would be the party that could get me out of my head. I guess we'd see. My phone rang, it was Rob.

"Where are you, buddy? You're missing one hell of a party here!"

"We had to do inventory after closing and I got home late. I was supposed to catch a ride with Jess, but her friends had to leave before I was done."

"I'd come get you, but I've already had a few beers and so has everyone else. Would your mom give you a lift?"

"She's out for the night. Don't worry; I'll figure something out."

"I'll see if anyone here hasn't had a drink and I can lend them my car to come get you. I'm going to call you back in ten minutes. Everyone's asking about you, including Judy, and she is looking fine tonight. All right, give me ten minutes, bye."

There was no way anyone at that party was sober and I knew I would have to find my own way there. I walked into the garage and looked at my six-fifty dual motorbike. Good on roads and in the dirt and I loved it. I hadn't been able to ride it in a while because my license was suspended for driving without a helmet. There was almost no chance I'd get pulled over by cops if I took the old highway and a couple of dirt roads to get to Clark's place since they never patrolled those roads. If there were, though, I'd lose my license for a year and that would kill me. I debated the pros and cons and argued back and forth with my smart self and my stupid self. The debate didn't last very long. I knew the conclusion I had to come to. Once again, I was going to cross the stupid line, but it felt good throwing caution to the wind.

I opened the garage door and rolled the bike out. I put my helmet on and a pair of riding boots. I got up on the bike, made sure it was in neutral, and put my foot down on the kickstart and one hand on the throttle. One kick and I was off. It felt good to get back on the bike, and I wanted to just let it rip, but I knew I'd have to wait until I was out of suburbia. I drove the speed limit the whole time I was on the highway and stayed in the slow lane. I took an exit near the town that Clark lived in and instead of driving through a bunch of side roads I cut across a field that ran north to south. There was already a trail there for people who drove motocross. This would get me to his place without my having to worry about seeing any cops. The trail was hilly and had a few winding turns that led to some long straightaways. I was able to open the bike up a few times and hit sixty miles an hour for short periods of time.

After years of trying, I had come to the conclusion that adrenaline was the only thing that was ever powerful enough to almost silence the Hunter. Other people might think that my being a dumbass and living on the edge of danger all the time was about testing the limits. Ironically, it was a way for me to survive. I ached for those moments of pure adrenaline coursing through my veins. Of course, the end always came, and that's when the thoughts came back full force, but even two minutes of almost-bliss were worth the next grueling hours that came with it. I knew I could never overpower the Hunter, but entertaining the thought that maybe, just maybe with enough adrenaline I could keep me going.

There were fields of tall grass on either side and not a house or light in sight. Driving this trail at night was fun and challenging. You had to have your wits about you because you never knew what could jump out at you or be sitting on the trail. I've seen cattle, deer and skunks out here but nothing beats a dog that wants to run beside you while you're trying to focus. I was comfortable on this trail having driven it many times over the years coming to see Clark.

I rode a solid fifteen minutes before coming up on the back of his place. I could smell smoke and see the tall flames rising from the firepit that was set up behind the barn. There were lots of people walking around, music was playing, and I was pumped to have a good time. I took my helmet off and stood the bike up beside the barn. Clark greeted me with a big hug and handed me a cold beer. We walked over to the bonfire, and I spent the next ten minutes shaking hands, high-fiving, and hugging everyone I hadn't seen in a while. I asked where Rob was, and they told me he was inside the barn playing beer pong with a bunch of people. Clark had set up a big table inside, and teams of four were competing. I walked into the barn and saw Rob trying his best to sing a song to Beth while dancing around in front of her as he waited his turn at the table. I ran up behind him and gave him a bear hug.

"I think she might like you better if you stopped singing." He turned around with a surprised look on his face.

"Hey, I called you five times and it went straight to voice mail. How'd you get here?"

"I drove my bike."

"Your license is suspended."

"Minor detail, buddy, minor detail," I said laughing as I gave Beth and Judy a hug.

"I'm glad you made it." Judy said.

"Practice time is over; let's start round one. Everyone gets a partner and let's get this party going!" Clark said.

"Judy, you want to kick some ass here?" I said. She nodded and we paired up to play round one.

We played against Rob and Beth first and won that game easily. Rob was in a great mood and he was bouncing the Ping-Pong balls off the table so hard they were going six feet in the air. Then every third shot he'd whip the ball at me and laugh his ass off. He was funny when he got to let loose although Beth wasn't too impressed when he put her in a headlock and started doing a pro-wrestling skit for all of us. I was getting into my groove, drinking slow and steady.

I didn't like getting too drunk. It made me feel even more out of control than I normally did. Judy and I managed to stay in the game until the final round and lost to Clark and his partner. I think she was getting a little drunk because she started rubbing my back and staying really close to me as the games went on. Rob was right; she did look great tonight in a pair of jeans and a tight-fitting black tank top. It was getting a little chilly outside, but the barn was crazy hot with everyone inside. She had a great shape on her, curvy, and there were a dozen guys at this party who were staring her up and down waiting for an opportunity to make their move.

Most people here were single and there was a lot of flirting going on which made things fun. I find that couples tend to argue and act stupid with each other at parties. Mostly because alcohol is involved, and people start getting jealous or needing attention and that's when the babysitting starts. I have to say Rob and Beth were the exception. They rarely fought, both were easy-going and neither were the jealous type. I think it helped that they weren't all that serious either.

After the beer pong tournament, we walked back outside to the bonfire. Clark brought out a cooler full of hot dogs and handed out sticks to everyone, and we cooked them over the fire. I knew at this point Judy wasn't feeling any pain because she was having a hell of a time keeping her stick in one place. She kept bouncing the hot dog off the logs and soon enough it was black, and her stick was on fire. I grilled a couple for her, and we wolfed them down in no time.

"You have any beer left, Rob?" I asked him.

"Lots, buddy!" He reached into a cooler beside him and pulled out two beers and handed them to me. Even when he wasn't drinking, he always supplied beer for us. He was our only friend over 18, so he could buy it, but he also always had a constant flow at his place.

"The old man is going to be really pissed when he goes downstairs tonight and finds empty cases." He laughed.

I twisted the tops off and handed one to Judy. She sat down on a log beside where I stood and stared into the fire. I was looking around taking it all in. A few people had hooked up and were lying beside each other on blankets making out. Some were dancing under the stars and others were telling stories. I loved this kind of atmosphere, being outdoors with a fire blazing, talking to friends, and listening to people tell stories about their lives and I needed a night like this. No deep thinking for a change, no need to have all the answers. It never took much to make me happy because I liked simple pleasures. Everything about tonight was simple and I was going to do my best to find peace here if only for a few hours.

"Eddie, I don't feel right, can we go for a walk?" Judy said, looking up at me.

"Of course." I reached down to grab her hand and help her up.

"I'm sorry. I think I drank too quickly," she admitted.

"Don't apologize. I love going for walks and there's a small lake down the end of this dirt road."

I put my arm around her side to give her some support. She wasn't falling-down drunk or anything, but I wouldn't bet on her walking a straight line at this point. We made our way down the dirt road to a small, sandy beach and looked out across the water. The moon was shining down, and we heard a loon calling out. The water looked like a sheet of glass, it was so calm, and the only noise came from the loon and the water splashing against the rocks on the shore. The lake was very seductive and I wanted to dive in.

"Do you feel any better? You want to sit down for a minute or keep walking?"

She gave me her answer by bending over and proceeding to throw up. I patted her back and she kept saying sorry in between heaves and I kept telling her not to worry about it. I felt bad for her and I was glad we had walked away from everyone so she could be sick in private.

"I think that's it. I'm just going to sit for a minute." she said.

"Take all the time you need."

I walked down to the water and took my plaid shirt off and soaked it in the water, wrung it out, and walked back to Judy. I used it to clean her face up and wipe what I could off the bottom of her jeans and shoes. Man, I dry-heaved a half dozen times doing it and thought for sure I was going to start throwing up myself, but I held it in.

"I'm so embarrassed," she said, wiping her hand across her mouth.

"Don't be. I bet you'll start feeling better now that your stomach is settled."

I was happy that I had only consumed a few beers and had stopped.

"Would you mind if I went for a quick swim before we walked back?" I asked.

"I don't mind, but I don't think it's a great idea swimming alone in a lake at night, and it's pretty cold out isn't it?" she protested.

"I love doing stuff like this and I've swum in this lake a hundred times. The cold water is amazing. Don't worry; I won't go far." I walked down to the water and stripped down.

"Looks like a full moon tonight, Judy." I pointed to my bare ass and laughed like a child. She giggled in response.

I dove in and swam out twenty yards and started treading water. The cold water shocked my body, made me feel alive. There was something exhilarating about doing stuff like this. Stuff that's close to the stupid line but not over it.

I started serenading Judy by singing "Crazy," an old Patsy Cline song my mother listened to all the time. I swam along the shoreline for a few minutes in the direction I heard the loon calling from. I stopped to tread water and look for the loon but it was too dark to see it. I looked up into the night sky, and it was littered with bright, shining stars. I was in awe at the wonder of how it all, how we all, came to be.

"Eddie, where are you?" Judy called.

"On my way back in." I swam back to the beach.

"Close your eyes Judy, I'm shy." I said laughing as I started putting my underwear on. "You good to walk back now?"

I asked her once dressed. She nodded. Had she not been this inebriated, I would have tried to charm her into a long, slow kiss. Not in the cards tonight, but still, I wasn't the least bit bummed because I had a great time with her. The walk and my swim topped everything off. I held her hand as we walked back to Clark's and when we got back, we found Rob and Beth lying inside a sleeping bag near the bonfire. Beth looked up at us. Rob was fast asleep.

"I need to get my sleeping bag out of your car, Beth," Judy said.

Beth pointed at her right side. "It's here," she said.

Judy picked it up and untied it then rolled it out a few feet away from Beth. "Where's your sleeping bag," she asked me.

"At home," I said, laughing.

"Come on over. Mine's a double." I slid in beside her and she put her head on my chest and we were asleep in minutes.

I woke several times during the night and found myself staring into a dark sky, unable to fall back to sleep. I was restless and anxious. I knew if I stayed here much longer that the Hunter would start calling me. Finally, I looked at my phone. It was six-thirty. Everyone was sound asleep. I needed to get up and hit the road rather than risk becoming a prisoner to the Hunter all day. He was already chirping in my ear as I slid out of the sleeping bag and made my way over to the barn to get my bike. I walked it a hundred yards before starting so I didn't scare everyone.

It was a good time to be riding home. Few cars were out on a Sunday morning and I wasn't worried about seeing a cop car. I made it home without incident. I rode down my street slowly and looked to see whose car was in my driveway, Mom's. Perfect, I thought. Mom would be angry if she knew I took the bike, but it would end after a lecture. If the old man ever caught me driving this, he'd sell it tomorrow.

I walked it up the driveway and left it outside the garage and walked in my house to find my mom cooking sausage and eggs. She had a surprised look on her face when she turned to see me.

"Hi sweetie. You didn't come home last night I was worried."

"Sorry. I should have called but I didn't want to wake you up. I went to a party at Clark's and the person who was supposed to drive me home was drunk, so I had to stay over."

"You have to be at work soon, don't you?" I shook my head.

"Things have been slow at the store lately. They cut my hours this week and I won't be working Sunday mornings for a while. Where's Dad and Trent?"

"Dad drove Trent to a friend's house; then he's going to do some errands.

Are you hungry, sweetheart?" she asked.

"Starving." She smiled. I sat down and Mom put a plate loaded with bacon, eggs, sausage, and toast in front of me.

"Let me get you some orange juice." She poured me a glass, then went back to cooking.

"What are your plans for the day. Are you around for the next couple of hours?"

"Not sure, I haven't spoken to anyone yet." She turned to face me.

"I would really like it if you would come to church with me. You've been working every Sunday morning for a year now, and we never get the chance to go together."

My mother loved going to mass and she never missed a Sunday sermon. I wasn't in the mood to go. I didn't want to sit anywhere; I wanted to keep moving.

"Do you remember when you were younger, and we would go out for a French fry after mass at that greasy spoon around the corner from the church? The four of us together." My mother asked as she continued flipping eggs on the stove.

"I do, and those fries were the best that's for sure." I smiled.

"I miss doing things as a family. It seems we're never together anymore. . .everyone's running from here to there. Will you come to church with me today?" She turned to me to ask the question, an innocent look of hope overwhelming her face.

She never asked for much and was so unselfish. I knew she was making breakfast for herself, but as soon as she saw me come into the kitchen, she gave me the plate she had made for herself. I smiled and looked up at her.

"I'd love to go to church with you, Mom. Does Mass still start at nine?"

She nodded, a smile of pleasure on her face. "We should leave at eight-thirty. Does that give you enough time to get ready?"

"Plenty." I was finished eating by the time she sat down with her own plate. She couldn't keep the smile off her face and I knew I was doing the right thing. I stayed at the table and we talked until she was done. As soon as she went upstairs to get changed, I walked outside. I opened the garage door and walked the bike inside and leaned it against the wall. I took a quick shower and was dressed and waiting for her at the entrance when she came down.

"Don't you look handsome all dressed up." Mom liked to show off her boys and she knew lots of members in the congregation. I wanted to look good for her, so I'd put on dress pants and a button-down shirt.

My mother and I walked up the steps leading into the old, stone church and were greeted by the priest and several others. Each person shook my hand and told me how nice it was to see me. My mother made sure we stood outside and talked to everyone she knew before making our way inside.

I opened the thick oversized wooden door that led inside, and we sat down on a bench near the back of the church. The choir was singing hymns as the priests walked down the center aisle toward the altar. I looked up at the ceiling, which was painted with images of angels drifting through clouds, and the stained-glass windows that lined either side of the church. Each window depicted a scene from the stages of the cross—Jesus carrying the cross to where he would be crucified.

I wasn't one for religious stuff. I felt there were too many rules in the world, many of which made no sense to me. I knew right and wrong in my heart and didn't want or need anyone to tell me how to live my life. I did like coming to church, though. I felt a positive energy whenever I walked in here and most times it soothed me. My mother never missed mass and said a full rosary every night before going to sleep. God and the church were her anchors and gave her the answers she sought and the strength she needed when times were tough.

Sometimes I think she may have relied on God too much. No matter what happened in our lives, the answer was to pray. Even if I ever figured out what the hell was going on with me, it would be no use to talk to my mom because I already knew what she'd want me to do, and that was to pray. I had never stopped believing in the power of praying, but it never brought me the solace I needed. I did it every damn day and the Hunter remained.

I looked around, wondering how many people were here for the same reason. I believed in something more, in God if you will, but not in the way defined by doctrine. I have seen a lot of good in this world and met lots of people with hearts of gold, so I figured the universe was good. I've had plenty of conversations with God. I usually come up with an answer to whatever ails me after a good one-on-one, but not for the one question that I've asked a thousand times. Why did I carry this empty, sad feeling in my gut? Why did it stay with me wherever I went, whoever I was with, and no matter what was going on in my life, good or bad? In church, they preach about living right and that God would be on your side if you did. He would answer your prayers, and everything would turn out fine. I started asking God why I deserved to feel this way? If I could find an answer, maybe I could change whatever I needed to, in order to lose these empty feelings. I asked why it is, I should feel guilty all the time regardless of what I did?

I really believed I was a good and decent person, and I thought that meant I'd be at peace. Then I started to question myself. Maybe I did deserve to feel the way I do. Perhaps I was the reason my father raved, and people were able to trigger me. Maybe all this loneliness and despair were with me because I deserved them for creating all the chaos in my life. How was I supposed to behave in order to find peace? How did I live my life in such a way that I could keep the Hunter at bay and stop the constant chatter? I sat there and prayed and prayed to find answers I even remembered how to say the Our Father and Hail Mary, and I repeated those ten times each.

The more questions I asked and could not answer, the faster my mind raced. I kept telling myself to stop thinking about anything at all. Focus on the sermon man and get the hell out of your head, I said to myself. I was angry now for being unable to stop my racing mind and stay in the present. The Hunter was back, blocking all my attempts at changing the channel. Blocking all the exits that would let me get out of my head. The Hunter was using a machine gun to fire painful, dreary thoughts into my brain, and it was impossible for me to clear them out.

Nobody is listening to you Eddie, don't you get it? You're a failure, a total disappointment. You haven't amounted to anything; you're a pile of garbage and you were blessed with all kinds of gifts. God's pissed with you for that Eddie. That's why I'm here as God's replacement. It's not all bad though. I do have the answers to some of your questions. You want peace? Well I know how you can find eternal peace Eddie.

He laughed then disappeared as I stood up and got in line to receive communion.

Mass ended and my mom and I went out to the Greasy Spoon Restaurant and split a bag of fries. They tasted as good as I remembered. I was tired when we got home. I went to my room and sat on the end of my bed trying to figure out what I should do.

I looked at my phone; there were a few missed calls and text messages from the boys. They probably wanted to talk about who hooked up with who last night and who got too drunk. I couldn't look at the texts right now. It was going to be one of those days where I'd spend more time fighting the Hunter than I would doing anything productive. I wasn't going to let him win and I was determined to find the answers to my questions. I walked over to the corner of my room and took my guitar off the stand. I started strumming away, humming an old Johnny Cash song. I liked his songs; they had meaning and stirred my emotions and I had downloaded lots of country music from that era over the past couple of years. Some I tried to play; others I enjoyed listening to. I played for an hour then turned my computer on and ran a playlist from my library. The first song was a Patsy Cline tune called "Crazy." I loved her voice, but she died in a car crash at a young age. I don't think she saw her thirty-first birthday.

I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes. I imagined myself living on a ranch in a small town with Jillian. We'd live a simple life like these artists sang about. I craved simple but was always looking for excitement. I wanted to go slow, but I only knew how to run. I was a contradiction. I knew that if I could find balance, I could find peace.

Chapter 7

After spending the rest of Sunday listening to songs about love and the simple life, I awoke on Monday morning determined to ask Jillian out. If she says no, I'll write a hit country song about a broken heart, I thought as I laughed to myself. I was loosening up a bit and glad for it. My first two classes were English and History. They went by quickly and I was able to stay out of my head and in the real world during both classes. By the third period, I was getting anxious and having a tougher time staying present. I went back to my locker to drop some books off, and while I was undoing my lock, Jess came up behind me and slapped me on the ass. I jumped through the roof.

"Jess!" I tried to grab her, turn her around, and return the favor. I gave up when a teacher walked around the corner as the bell rang to let us know we had five minutes to get to class.

"Where were you yesterday? I tried getting a hold of you all day," she asked.

"I needed to zone out and chill."

"You've been doing that a lot since you got back from your aunt's, don't you think?"

"I'm just trying to figure stuff out."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. I think I'm changing, and I need to live a different life, but I don't know how to start."

"You and me both."

I grabbed my math books, shut my locker, and put the lock back on.

Jess looked down at my books. "Math class." She smirked. "I know who's in that class with you." I rolled my eyes and turned to start walking.

I started to walk away while grinning and Jess followed. "Take a chance, Eddie. Talk to her after class. I swear you'll feel so much better if you do."

"I've been thinking about it since you, and I talked, and I don't know how to start the conversation with her."

"Be yourself. You never think about what you're going to say to anyone else and look how many people you draw in. Don't make this bigger than it is." She kissed me on the cheek and turned down a hallway to head to her class.

I continued until I reached the open door of mine. I stood beside it while shuffling papers, trying to pretend that I was getting organized. I wanted to give myself time to look in and see who was sitting where. The only empty desk was far from Jillian and it was sitting in front of the teacher. I sauntered in, chest out, shoulders high trying to look good. I was wearing a new white t-shirt, faded ripped blue jeans with a pair of black boots. The shirt fit well and accentuated my physique, and I have to admit I was felt like I was looking good today.

As I made my way to the desk, I casually glanced over at Jillian. Usually, she was staring down at her books in deep thought, but now she was looking straight at me. I smiled at her and looked away before sliding into my seat and putting my books on the desk. Sitting up front, I made sure to pay attention no matter how hard it was to focus. I didn't make eye contact with the teacher, hoping he wouldn't ask me any questions. I made it through class and wasn't overly confused about what we had learned, so maybe there was hope for me and math. I stood up as Jillian walked by my desk on her way out of class. I wallowed for a minute in the smell of her perfume, gave myself a shake, and resigned myself to asking her out.

It was lunchtime and I decided to follow Jillian and see if maybe I could catch her alone for a few minutes. I watched her go to her locker and put her books away as another girl approached her. They stood together for a moment talking then walked out toward the back plaza on the junior side of the school, lunch bags in hand. I made my way over to the glass doors that led out to the plaza and watched them sit down together on the cement steps leading down the end of the platform. It was quiet on the junior side at this time because their lunch was the period before. The senior side would be hopping now and full of people. Here, there were only a few small groups were standing around, talking or smoking cigarettes. I walked out and stood against the back wall and took a paperback I was reading out of my back pocket and began to read. I kept looking up every couple of pages, hoping the girl with Jillian would leave. Eventually, after I'd read twenty pages, I looked up and Jillian was standing alone.

I pulled my head out of my ass and began walking toward her. Keep it simple. Be yourself like Jess said and it's all going to work out, I told myself.

When I stopped in front of her, she smiled. "Hey. It's Eddie, right? We're in the same math class."

I nodded. "It might as well be Chinese for all I'm getting out of it."

"That bad, huh," she said with a smile.

"It seems to come pretty easy to you, though. I mean, I've never heard the teacher ask you a question you didn't have the answer for."

"It comes easy to me for some reason and I happen to like math, so I do OK."

"It's quiet on this side of school at lunch," I said, trying to figure out what else to say. I ran my hand through my hair, trying to look as lowkey as possible.

"That's why I come out here. I like to read and collect my thoughts, and this is a great place to do that." She answered. She was looking right at me with a closed-mouth smile. Everything about her demeanor made her seem easy going.

"I love reading." I pulled the book out of my back pocket and sat next to her. "Scaramouche by Rafael Sabatini. It's a hell of a read. What do you like to read?"

"Murder mystery, for the most part. I try keep it light because I do so much reading to prep for university."

"What do you plan on taking?"

"I want to go to law school. Eventually, I'd want to specialize in Environmental Law, but that's a long way away. What about you? Are you planning on going to university, Eddie?"

"I'd like to. I've applied to a few."

"What are you looking to get into?"

"I like anthropology, looking into the past, where we came from, different cultures."

"Sounds interesting," she said, reaching for her novel sitting beside her.

"This is what I'm reading at the moment," she said, handing me the book.

Man, if she knew how good that made me feel. Maybe I did have a shot here, I thought.

I looked it over with the biggest grin on my face, and I started to go on about what a cool read it looked like and maybe I could borrow it when she was done. The conversation flowed so easily it was as though we had known each other for a long time. I was feeling comfortable and starting to loosen up a bit when the bell rang to let us know lunch period was over. Jillian started gathering her stuff and was about to stand up and I knew it was now or never.

"I like to run the hills in Elm Park, as a workout Jillian. Do you ever go there?"

I knew she lived near there and I did run those hills with Rob a couple of times a week as part of our training regimen.

"I live close by, so I go for walks there but I have never run the hills." She said as she stood up and slung her backpack on.

"I was wondering if you'd want to run the hills together sometime, after school or something. Maybe grab a snack after?" I stood up with her, straightening my posture and trying to give her my best smile.

She grinned and looked down at her feet for a moment before meeting my eyes. "I'd like that, Eddie. Here," she said as she handed me a pen and her notebook. "Write your number down and I'll give you a call in a couple of days, and we can set something up."

I wrote my number down and was barely able to contain myself because I was so excited. Four years of wishing and I finally did it, I asked her out. We walked back into school together and went our separate ways.

I spent the rest of the day trying to replace my obsessive, dark thoughts with pictures of us going out on our first date. Part of my brain was able to feel good at times and savor moments; however fleeting they were. This was one of those moments and I was going to ride it for as long as I could.

Next period was time for me to meet with my principal, but I was riding such a high that I could care less about what was about to happen. I had to face the music for an incident I was involved in at the end of last school year.

My girlfriend at the time was a cheerleader at our school and I played for the senior team. One afternoon the junior team was playing on our home field before us and me and a few of the boys were watching the game. When the first half ended, we had to get back to the gym to get dressed. I was walking with them when I saw my girlfriend standing with a few other cheerleaders near the bleachers. I told the boys I'd catch up and I went to talk to her for a minute about doing something after the game. I kissed her and heard some punk talking trash about cheerleaders and football players.

I looked around to see if I could spot him and there he was, walking down the bleachers toward the field with a couple of his buddies. I wasn't positive he was talking to me, so I didn't say anything and continued talking to Jane. They walked past us and started catcalling and making snide remarks about her outfit and that wasn't going to fly with me, so I quickly walked ahead of them and turned around to face them and they stopped in front of me and the guy chirping was staring at me with a stupid grin on his face.

I said, "You have two choices. You can apologize for your comments or don't and you and I go at it."

"Screw you," he said as he shoved me backwards full force with 2 hands.

I dropped him with an uppercut, but no sooner had I hit him then the guy on his left-wound and punch me square in the face. Before I could return the favor, the guy standing on his right threw his best right and caught me in the ribs.

By now the guy I dropped had joined his buddies in delivering kicks and punches and I fell backward and hit the pavement. Once down I took a few more boots before a few teachers watching the game ran over to break it up. Those cowards scurried off and I chased after them with blood pouring out of my mouth.

I never caught them, but I knew what they looked like and I swore I would find them one day and give them what they had coming. It took a few months of enquiring and looking before my friends and I found the first guy and taught him a lesson while at the same time getting the names of the other two who had participated in the assault. We found out one of them had moved but one had a girlfriend going to our school and he picked her up on Fridays at lunch. I knew who the girl was so that Friday I followed her out of school during lunch period and watched her get into his car. I waited close by, knowing he had to drop her back off and when he did, I pulled him out of his car and gave him a beating.

Trouble was, the principal and several teachers walked out into the parking as I was going at it. They took me off him, called me an animal, and sent me to the office to await the principal's return. He was angry when he met with me and told me how lucky I was the guy I punched out didn't want to press charges. I had to give him credit for that. He took his medicine like a man and for that, I considered the ordeal over and done with.

The principal didn't feel the same way. In his mind, I needed to be taught a lesson. "It's the end of the school year and exams start tomorrow so I can't do anything about this now but come next year, Eddie, you and I are going to have a sit down. You understand me?"

We were 2 months into school, and I hadn't heard a thing, so I thought he forgot about everything until I heard my name called on the intercom. I waited for twenty minutes before the school secretary told me to walk into his office.

He smiled at me and told me to sit down. He asked me how my summer was and if I was staying out of trouble. He was a nice man and I knew he was doing his job and honestly, I wasn't nervous at all because I felt completely justified in what I had done. He asked me to explain myself and why I did what I did. I gave him the story from start to finish.

When I had finished, he looked up at me. His face looked troubled, his lips in a tight line and his eyes furrowed. He exhaled for a minute, twisting his wedding ring as he looked at me.

"I see where you're coming from, Eddie, I do. You're a good kid and you were just looking out for someone. You and I both know the answer isn't violence. Nothing good comes of it and sooner than later something really terrible is going to happen."

"It may not be a good answer, sir, but it's the only answer I have when dealing with a person like that." I bounced my foot up and down on the ground, picking my nails.

"You could walk away." He offered. I almost laughed.

"I'm sorry. I could never do that. Those guys deserved what they got, and they started the whole thing. I would never go around talking like that and disrespecting people and if I did, I would expect to get popped."

"Assault charges could have been brought against you. Do you really want a record to start your life out with?"

"They assaulted me first." I retorted. I glanced out the window, eager for this conversation to be over. I got the implications but what else could I have done? If you don't defend yourself against people like that you just get walked all over.

"I understand that and yes they were in the wrong but I'm trying to tell you there're lots of people in this world who are going to get under your skin and if you let all of them get to you, you're going to be in trouble. This isn't your first scrap, but I need it to be your last or I'm going to have to expel you."

His face had morphed from one that was troubled to a face of hurt. I knew he didn't want to be doing this but it was his job. Our school was trying to clean up our name, and the staff was coming down extra hard on any fighting.

"I like you, Eddie, and I know you believe you're justified in your actions. I can relate to a certain degree. I was young once and I never liked a smart-talking mouthpiece and I still don't, but I learned long ago to walk away and not engage an asshole excuse my language. Does that make sense to you?"

I nodded, still looking out the window.

"You're getting off really easy here son and I'll consider this a done deal only if you agree to a ten-session anger management course with our guidance counselor."

"Anger management? Seriously? They were jackasses. Anyone in my position would have done the same."

"This is the best offer you're going to get, Eddie, and I strongly suggest you do if you want to continue playing football."

I sat for a moment, internally fuming while trying to put on a brave face. I wasn't insane; I didn't need help for anger management; those guys needed help on how not to be assholes quite frankly. I knew I was lucking out but seeing the guidance counselor sounded like pure torture. I guess I could fake some heartbreaking stories for ten one-hour sessions.

"I appreciate you not coming down on me and I liked what you said about not engaging an asshole, excuse my language," I said with a forced laugh.

He smiled as he stood up. I stood up and we shook hands and he excused me.

I was serious when I told him I liked what he said about not engaging. I liked it, but it did not mean I was ready to live my life like that. My brain didn't have a processing section; I reacted. It was in my nature, and honestly, it had saved me from a lot of bad situations. I didn't really see how that was going to change no matter what stupid breathing techniques were given to me. But it was what it was, and I was just going to have to do some charming and hopefully I'd be "cured" after five sessions.

I spent the rest of the day trying to convince myself I didn't have anger management issues while simultaneously feeling the urge to get back at all those guys who started this situation in the first place. There may have been some truth in what my principal told me. It did not change how I felt about it, that was for sure.

Chapter 8

A few weeks later, I was going to hang out with Jillian. I thought she had completely ignored me when a week passed without a text from her. Finally, after almost 2 weeks she texted me asking to hang out. She explained she had been super busy with her LSAT's prep and she needed a workout since she had been spending so much time sitting.

I made my way over to Elm Park after school to meet Jillian at the bottom of the hills we were going to run. There was a few of them, and they ranged in height from two to four hundred feet, each with a gradual slope leading to the top of each. The hills ended near an open field that led to a forest with a two-mile dirt trail that ran around the inside of it.

It was a great day to go for a run. The November air was cool; the leaves had turned from green to yellow, orange and red. The smell of burning wood I loved so much was everywhere at this time of year. The days were getting shorter and it was dark outside by six. The only problem I had with this time of year was the fact that winter followed it and with it, the short days and long nights that made me feel more isolated and alone. If things go well with Jillian and we start seeing each other on a regular basis maybe that will change, and I'll feel better this winter.

I was getting cold standing around. I started stretching out while waiting. I was early, something I never was except for special occasions like this. When Rob and I came here to train, we would do this circuit twice and we were good and spent at the end of it. I wondered if Jillian was going to be able to be able to run the whole circuit. She sure looked like she was in good shape, but I wasn't sure if she played any sports or anything. I looked at my phone. It was five minutes to four, and the sun was already starting to make its descent.

"Hey, you!" I turned around to see Jillian running toward me. "I'm warmed up, so if you're good to go lead the way."

We started running up the hill at a reasonable pace. She was wearing leggings and a hoodie without any makeup and she looked amazing.

"How's this pace?" I asked her.

"Perfect. Are we going to do the hills and the trail inside the forest?"

"If that's good with you I'd like to."

She nodded and we continued to run. We were silent while doing the hills but once inside the forest, our breathing slowed, and we were able to talk.

"I thought you never ran the hills?" I said panting.

"I don't. I run these trails a few times a week with the volleyball team." She replied.

"You play for our school team?"

She nodded and added, "And I play for another more competitive traveling team that plays all over the province."

"How long have you been playing for?"

"I started playing for my school in seventh grade, and the traveling team in tenth grade. I love it and the girls on my teams are great." She looked over at the logo on the back of my hoodie. "Bramalea Boxing Club?" she asked smiling coyly.

"I train there most days after school. It's a hell of a workout and it keeps me out of trouble."

"You been doing that long?"

"A couple of years."

"You play any team sports?"

"Oh ya, I've played them all. Football, hockey, European handball and baseball."

"Why did you start boxing then?"

"I had to prove something to myself."

"What was that?"

"I wanted to see if I was tough enough to go toe to toe in a ring. A controlled setting instead of the streets where anything goes."

"So tough guy, you fight outside the ring?" She half smirked. Even though she was making a joke, her face looked taut as though she were wary about what my reply would be.

Damn, I thought to myself, I should never have explained it that way. A girl like Jillian is going to think fighting is for animals. "I've had a few in my time, but I don't plan on having anymore. You know what they say. Live by the sword die by the sword."

"Or it can lead you down a path of self-destruction and land you in jail." She answered. It was hard to read the expression on her face.

"True enough," I said, laughing to ease a bit of the tension.

"Has going to the boxing club worked out for you? Have you proven to yourself what you set out to?"

"I think I have."

She didn't know how many things I had left to prove to myself or how much time I spent trying to prove all kinds of things to myself, including whether I was worth a second thought to anyone in this world.

We finished the run and Jillian asked me if I was up for coming back to her place for a hot chocolate. Of course, I was all over that but nervous about meeting her parents. By the time we got back to her house, the sun had set and it was cold enough to see your own breath. We walked in the front door.

"Hey honey, I'm in the kitchen!" her mom called.

As we walked down the hall toward the kitchen, we passed by her living room, where there was a floor-to-ceiling stone fireplace against the back wall. One day I'm going to spend a night in front of that fireplace with Jillian, I thought.

"Mom, this is Eddie. He's the friend from school that I told you that I was going running with. Eddie, this is my mom, Diane."

"Hi, it's nice to meet you," I said, shaking her hand. She had the same beautiful smile as her daughter, and she was wearing a big robe as she cooked.

"It's so nice to meet you sweetheart! Here, sit down and make yourself comfortable, Eddie." She said as she pulled out a stool from the island.

I sat down and she sat across from me while Jillian went over to the kettle to boil water and prepare the hot chocolate. Diane and I exchanged pleasantries and talked for a good twenty minutes covering all the basics and then some. Like where I lived, who my parents were, what I liked to do, how I knew Jillian.

I did well with adults because I was raised to be polite and respectful. I wasn't shy about engaging an older person and often found myself asking them more questions about themselves than they did about me. Today was no different and I asked Diane all kinds of questions about where she grew up, how she met Jillian's father, where she worked.

Jillian walked over and handed me a cup of hot chocolate, and her Mom stood up and excused herself.

"She likes you, Eddie." Jillian smiled.

"What makes you say that?"

"She winked at me and whispered you were cute before she walked out of the room and she never does that."

"Am I?" I blurted out, then turned beet red because I said it out loud.

She smiled. "I think you know you're pretty cute Eddie."

We both had a good laugh.

"You get along well with your parents, Jillian?"

"Yes, I'm really lucky."

"Are you as close to both parents?"

"In different ways, I talk to my mom about certain things and my dad about other stuff."

"Do you have any siblings?"

"An older brother who's away at university. He and I went at it all the time when we were young, but I miss him now that he's gone for months at a time. And you, Eddie?" I hesitated taking a long sip of hot chocolate. Answering this question was hard, trying to find the balance between the truth but not wanting any unwarranted pity about it.

"I get along all right at home. I have a brother who's a couple of years younger than me and we're very close. He's a good kid never has a bad word to say about anyone."

"Do you spend time together?"

"I try to do something that's just us every week. I'll take him to the batting cage and out for a burger. He likes to talk to me about stuff, get my advice." I looked beyond the kitchen into their family room, where an acoustic guitar was sitting on a stand.

"Who plays the guitar?"

"My brother did when he was younger, but he rarely picks it up anymore."

"Looks like a nice one."

"Do you play Eddie?"

"I do when I want to get my mind off something. It takes me away to another place when I play."

"Would you like to try his guitar? I'm not sure if it's tuned or not."

"If it's been sitting there untouched for a while, it will be out of tune and I have never been able to tune one properly. Do you like music, Jillian?"

"I love all kinds. I don't play an instrument, but I always have music playing, even when I'm studying."

We finished our hot chocolates and continued talking for another hour and I felt it was time to go. I didn't want to overstay my welcome and I needed to get home take a shower and get a few things done. As we passed the living room on our way to the front door, I asked Jillian if they used the fireplace a lot. She said it burned most nights throughout the winter and was one of her favorite spots to sit. I stood at the door and thanked her and told her I had a great time.

"I really enjoyed myself, Eddie, I hope we can do it again sometime." She leaned forward and gave me a hug lingering as she held me. As she pulled away, she quickly kissed me on the cheek. I walked out feeling as good as I could under the circumstances, hopeful about the future.

Moments like these were fleeting, and the Hunter was thrilled at the idea of explaining to me all the ways I'd end up messing things up with Jillian. How was it that the presence of happiness in my mind was always accompanied by the intense feeling of loneliness? This couldn't possibly be normal... could it? I spent my walk home desperately replaying my kiss with Jillian, trying to replace the movie of endless voids and sorrow with one of true fulfillment. Back and forth and back and forth: soft lips, a perfect face... where do we go when we die? When will I see Jillian next? My heart feels empty. Is there a god? Would God let me be happy with Jillian?

Chapter 9

November turned to December. The rest of the month had passed in a daze of sadness. It was a bad month. I mean, it was always bad, but some weeks were worse than others. My only moments of solace were when I was with Jillian. Every date had me falling more in love with her. Fleeting moments with her almost made the unending hours with the Hunter worth it. I'd be working out with Rob the upcoming Saturday, and that at least gave me some sort of ammunition to finish the school week. The week passed slowly, and finally it was Saturday.

I had a short four-hour morning shift at work, then headed out to the gym to meet Rob and we had a killer workout. We sparred another five rounds and I felt better than the last session. For a cool down, we went to Elm Park and did a slow jog through the forest. We went back to the gym, showered, dressed and walked out into a beautiful sunny day. It was a little after two as we walked through the parking lot, Clark jumped out from between two cars.

"You two pretty boys want to go?" he asked, jumping around in front of us. "I'm quick as lighting and all I throw is thunder." Clark was such a dork.

Rob and I looked at each other and rushed toward him and gave him a smack down.

"So much for that thunder and lightning, huh, Clark," Rob said laughing. "What are you doing in town on the weekend?"

"Mom had a few things to take care of and I tagged along. She's having dinner with friends, so I figured I'd come find you guys and see what you're up to."

"Let's go grab a few beers at my place and head over to the football field and throw the ball around," Rob suggested.

We walked the two miles to Rob's house. It was turning out to be a really mild winter, with barely any snow on the ground. He asked if we would come in and help him move a piece of furniture he wanted out of his room before we went to the field. We walked through his front door and down the hall and could hear his father yelling at someone. It was hard to understand what he was saying. His speech was slurred, and he mumbled his words. I turned to Rob and he swore under his breath.

"You want us to wait outside, Rob?" Clark asked.

"No, I need to move that bureau. Don't say anything if he talks to you. Just smile and we can get out of here quick."

As we turned the corner, we could see his mother slouched in a chair in the family room. She had a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other. His father was berating her as he wobbled back and forth with a beer in his hand.

He turned to Rob, taking no notice of either Clark or me. "Look at your mother, drunk as a skunk again. It's pathetic. Tell her, Rob, tell her how proud you are of her." He stood up mocking Rob's mother as he teetered back and forth.

Rob didn't answer. He gave his father a tight-lipped death stare, then walked over to his mom and leaned her back in the chair, put her cigarette out in the ashtray, and rested her drink on the end table beside her chair. "I think it's time for bed, mom. What do you say?"

She shook her head. "I'm not ready for bed, Rob. I'm fine. I just need this son of a bitch to shut his mouth and leave me alone." She pointed to her husband who was busy draining what was left of his beer. "Rob, get your old man another beer will you, there's a case in the basement."

Rob looked at him and said, "Your last beer should have been twenty years ago. You want a beer, go get it yourself."

"You wiseass punk, I'm going to -" He took a step toward Rob and lost his balance, face-planting on the floor where he stayed.

"Sorry you guys had to see this," Rob muttered. His face was beet red, a combination of anger and embarrassment.

His mother started laughing. "What a lightweight."

Rob walked out of the room and came back with a blanket and spread it over his father.

"Let the bastard freeze, Rob."

He walked over to her. "That's enough, mom, time for bed."

She tried to pick up her glass and take another swig, but he wouldn't let her. She stood up and he put his arm around her waist and walked past us. We had just been standing there awkwardly trying to look away but wanting to stay close in case Rob needed any help.

"Go downstairs and grab a case of beer while I put my mom to bed. We'll move my dresser some other time," he called back as he left.

Clark looked at me. "That has to be tough to live with."

"Brutal."

We went into the basement and found the one full case of beer amongst dozens of empty ones strewn all over the place.

"I don't have this many empties sitting around after a bash. Rob's old man must drink a ton. Does he ever talk to you about it?" Clark said.

"Never. When he does, he gets angry and sad."

"I don't know about you, but I'm uncomfortable as hell. What if his father wakes up and see's us carrying this case?"

I picked up the case and we hauled ass out of there and waited for Rob on the driveway. He came out a few minutes later with a football and 2 backpacks he used to put the beers in. We started walking. Rob was quiet and we didn't talk for the first few minutes. I put my arm over Rob's shoulder and squeezed it.

"We know how much it sucks to watch people you love destroy themselves. We're here for you if you need us," I finally said.

"That's the mess I come home to a few times a week. Two drunks with nothing in common except the bottle. Have you ever seen a show like that before?" Rob said, almost laughing at the absurdity of it all.

"How long have they been drinking like that?" Clark asked.

"I don't remember them drinking that much when I was younger. It started to get heavy when my dad lost a job. He'd been working for the same company for twenty years. He was out of work for a long time and something changed inside him. He was bored, spending too much time around the house. He and my mom started arguing all the time and things went south quickly."

"What about your mom, has she always been a problem drinker?" Clark asked.

"She's been a heavy drinker for as long as I can remember. She's sloppy and says the same stuff over and over. She talks about what kind of a life she could have had if she didn't marry my old man."

"Don't let it get to you. Let's hope one day they get the help they need," I said.

"He's been in and out of rehab more than once. He stays off the bottle for a few months then things get rough, or he gets stressed and boom he's back on it. I don't see anything changing unless something bad happens."

"Let's hope it doesn't get to that," Clark said.

Clark quickly changed the conversation as we continued walking. He was always good at lightening the mood. We got to the football field outside an old abandoned school. The city had been closing tons of schools trying to up the student population in the bigger schools. It was the perfect place to throw a couple of beers back since it was behind the school and lined with trees. We wouldn't have to worry about public security.

The sun was slowly setting and we had the field to ourselves. We started throwing the ball around and talking about last year's team when we all played together. The could haves, the should haves, and our favorite moments. Rob was starting to smile again and by the time the sunset we were ready to sit down in the bleachers and have a few beers as we tried to warm up our hands. I stopped and leaned over to tie my shoe, and a flowered card fell out of my pocket. Clark quickly scooped it up and saw that it was made out to Jillian. I grabbed it out of his hands and stuffed it into my back pocket.

"Lover boy is writing cards already. You're in deep this time, buddy. Why don't you read it to us, Shakespeare?" Clark said laughing.

"Not a chance. Pass me a beer." Clark and I downed our first two beers quickly and by our third, the cold temperature was not affecting us.

Clark looked over at me.

"So, this is pretty serious with you and Jillian, eh? I wonder how many people at our school would be surprised to know the cool football scrapper is really just a huge head-over-heels in love softy?"

"Get lost, Clark. I hope it does get serious, and when it does you won't be invited to the wedding."

Clark leaned over and pretended to vomit, and I gave him a nice little shove.

"Really though, guys," I said. "Jillian is so cool. We've been on maybe five dates and I already feel like I'm in deep," I continued.

"I guess you're not really looking to get with Judy anymore?" Clark asked as he picked the label of his beer.

"Never was. Cute girl, fun to hang out with, but not my type."

"You were hanging out together at my party and you slept in the same sleeping bag. You didn't do anything?"

"Nope. We walked and talked and then she threw up. I helped her out, and that was the end of it. Besides Clark, like I said, she's not really my type."

"What do you mean not your type, you think she's not good girlfriend material?" He looked away from his beer at me. I was getting the feeling Clark had a reason he was so interested in Judy and I, and I tried to do a better job of explaining what I had meant.

"Not at all, I think we're just better as friends. She's a sweetheart."

Clark could be such a goof of a person, never taking things seriously. He was always joking around and it made it really hard to read him. He could laugh at himself when he messed up a play during football practice or failed a test but was always guarded when we talked about girls he might actually be interested in. His first girlfriend Kendra cheated on him. It broke his heart and he's been gun shy ever since. He's rarely dated since then, but now he was obviously down for Judy and it seemed like he was trying to make sure he wasn't going to be breaking the bro code. I had to make sure he knew that he had the all-clear from me.

"I think you should ask her out, man."

Clark shrugged. "I'm not looking for a girlfriend, I don't have time."

"Bull." I said.

"Beth hangs with Judy all the time. We could meet them at the pool hall one night," Rob added.

"I mean, I wouldn't say no to that." Clark responded, back to his usual cheeky demeanor.

"Give me a few days and I'll set something up."

"Is Beth coming to watch you box? If she is maybe she can ask Judy to come and I can meet her there."

"Yea she is, for sure I'll have her talk to Judy."

"Now we're talking." Clark was smiling ear to ear. "What about you, lover boy, is Jillian coming to fight night?"

"I haven't asked her. I don't think she's a fight fan and I'd get nervous fighting in front of her." I looked over at Rob.

"Since I've been taking all the heat tonight, are you and Beth getting serious, Rob?"

"We have fun together but that's it for now. She's coming off that long term relationship with Larry and I think I'm still pining for Alison."

I nodded and gave him a quick pat on the back.

Alison was a girl Rob had met last year. Her dad was in the military and they were always moving as he changed bases. She worked at a coffee shop Rob always went to and they hit it off really quickly. There was a four-year age difference, but Rob had always been mature for his age so it didn't matter. We honestly didn't see Rob for weeks when they first got together. Even though they both knew it was inevitably going to end when Alison would have to move again, Rob was devastated when she left. He almost started drinking which is a pretty big deal for a guy who swears up and down never to take a sip. They kept in contact for a while, but it just made it harder so they just lost touch. I knew Rob wanted to go see her, but there was too much going on with his parents for him to leave right now. She was living out West in British Columbia, and Rob promised that one day he would go live there and spend the rest of his days in the mountains with her.

We continued talking for hours trying to solve all the world's problems. I was glad the three of us were together alone for the first time in a long while.

Chapter 10

The rest of December flew by. I spent most of the holidays missing Jillian who was on vacation in Florida visiting her grandparents. It was a rough time. All the formal family events drained me, and as much as I knew it was supposed to be a time of happiness, it just had my nerves amped on full. It was an overcast Saturday in January a few weeks later when I got a phone call from Jess's mom. As soon as I picked up, I could tell from the tone of her mom's voice that she was distraught.

"Eddie, Jess got arrested for shoplifting a few days ago. I need you to come over and have a talk with her about going to see a counselor to get into rehab. I can give you all the information when you get here. I'm worried if we don't get her into a clinic, she's going to hurt herself."

I told her I would be right over and spent the walk thinking about what to say to Jess to try and get her away from the people she was hanging with. The first step to helping her get into rehab was to get her away from her boyfriend and his crew. That wouldn't be easy. Jess didn't like being told what to do any more than I did but she needed to hear it. Her mother met me at the front door, and we walked into the kitchen. The woman had bags under her eyes and looked as though she hadn't slept for a week.

"Thanks for coming over, Eddie," she whispered.

We walked into the kitchen and she handed me a brochure to look at. It was from a family clinic that specialized in drug abuse and other mental health issues, whatever that meant. I gave it a once over.

"Can I keep the brochure so I have the address?" I asked.

Jess's mom nodded. "Try and talk some sense into that girl before something worse happens. Lord knows I've tried but she won't listen to me. She's never shoplifted before and I know the only reason she did it was to get money for drugs."

I walked downstairs to the basement living room and saw Jess lying on the couch looking at the ceiling. The lights were off although the television was on. I walked over and sat on the edge of the couch.

"Did my mom call you? If she did, I am pissed." Tears were welling up in her eyes.

"What's going on with you, Jess?"

"I messed up Eddie. It's not like it was on purpose. I don't even remember walking out of the place with all that stuff, I was so high." She explained, her eyes never wavering from the ceiling.

The thought of her walking around high as a kite broke my heart and I was sad that she felt the need to get so high and angry that she would put herself into that state.

"Things are out of hand, Jess, and we need to get a grip here before something bad happens that we can't fix."

"It's not going to happen again. I'm humiliated and now I have to go to court."

"I don't understand why you need to get high all the time, Jess."

She paused a moment before sitting up to look me straight in the eye. "It's pretty simple Eddie. I like being high. When you're high you forget. You don't feel anxious, you don't worry, you don't question whether you're good enough. I don't want to live every day trying to prove myself Eddie; I'm so tired of it."

"Prove what? For who? The chump you're seeing? The losers you're hanging out with? You're as good and smart as anyone I have ever known and beautiful to boot, Jess." I stood up. I could feel that surge of energy and angst run through my veins as I became more agitated.

"I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to be when I finish school. I'm lost, Eddie." She hung forward over her legs, cradling her head in her hands.

"Getting high isn't going to help you find your way and who said you have to have all the answers before you get out of high school? I sure as hell don't have all the answers but when in doubt, I follow my heart and most times I get where I'm supposed to go. You need to stop listening to whatever or whoever you're listening to because it isn't working for you Jess."

"You don't know what it's like to struggle, Eddie. Everything comes easy to you. You're the one who gets the girls, plays all the sports, has all the friends. Everybody likes you."

"Being confident in who I am doesn't keep me from struggling, Jess. I have just as much self-doubt as anyone. OK, great, I get girls, I can catch a football well, but I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I am losing my mind about what I'm supposed to do after high school, what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life!" I yelled. I was now pacing back and forth, trying to maintain my composure.

More than anything, I wanted to scream at her for having the audacity to decide whether or not I struggled. I wanted to yell out and tell her how much I had to fight every single damn day. That struggling was a part of my daily routine. Getting out of bed in the morning was a struggle, maintaining conversation was a struggle, living in a house with a father who bullied me and made me feel small and insignificant was also a struggle. I wanted to tell her how hard I fought just to keep moving forward. I refused to quit on myself and would never let the Hunter win. I took a deep breath knowing that Jess had no idea what was going through my head and that yelling wasn't going to help. I continued.

"You're quitting on yourself, Jess. You threw in the towel a couple of years ago and have been unwinding ever since. You need to start fighting again, Jess, because you're worth it."

Tears were streaming down her face at this point.

"I'm not worth a damn, Eddie, and if I disappear nobody is going to give it a second thought."

"What about your mother, your siblings, and the friends you had before going down the path you're on?" She gave me a blank stare. I walked over to her and kneeled down to look right into her eyes.

"What about me, Jess? You think I don't give a damn?"

She leaned forward and hugged me, and I could feel her shake as she sobbed.

"I'm lost, Eddie, lost."

I held her tight and didn't say a word and waited for her to let go and lean back on the couch.

"Will you come to the clinic with me, Jess?"

She stared blankly ahead a moment before meeting my gaze and nodding her head to say yes.

I was relieved but things were getting dark inside my own head. Turmoil and conflict always empowered the Hunter and the more of it I had in my life the stronger he became. He would deliver pain and sorrow in the form of dark, lonely thoughts that were machine gunned into my head far quicker that I could deliver thoughts to counter them.

Jess's mom gave us a lift to the clinic. We sat in silence as we drove along. Once we arrived, we registered with a nurse at reception and sat down to wait until a counselor could see Jess. She was nervous and fidgeting while sitting there, looking around at everyone else in the room. I was leafing through a magazine, hoping the wait wouldn't be long because formal settings like a doctor's office or a clinic made me anxious.

Twenty minutes in and a well-dressed woman walked into the reception area and called Jess's name and asked her to follow down the hall.

"It's all good, Jess," I said to her as I gave her a smile and a wink. I knew this was hard for her. I was so happy she was doing this. I watched her walk down the hall before taking a good look around the room at the different people waiting. All ages, color, shapes, and sizes were waiting to see counselors and shrinks about something. With some, the worn look on their faces and the scarring left by years of drug use made it clear what they were here for. Others were well dressed and looked normal and healthy.

I finished reading the magazine and put it down and started flipping through a stack of them on the table beside me. I came across an information guide much like the pamphlet Jess's mom had shown me about this clinic and what they offered. I started flipping through it and stopped when I came to a section about mental health. In big bold letters was the question:

Are you or is someone you love suffering from depression? Here are some of the symptoms to look for:

  * Overwhelming sadness

  * Feelings of despair and/or loneliness

  * Tendency to isolate

My heart raced. I threw the brochure down and did what I could to stay cool. Depression? There was a name for it? What, was I some sort of psychopath? There was no way that could apply to me. . . I wasn't crazy. I tried to ignore all the similarities between the damn brochure and what I felt every day, but the idea of being even remotely associated with a mental illness made me nauseous. Imagine me coming home to tell my parents I get sad, but a different kind of sad, a really bad sad? What a joke. Luckily, I was pulled out of my internal anxiety attack as Jess tapped my shoulder.

"We can go. I'm all set. You OK, Eddie?"

I nodded, stood up and we walked out.

We got into the car and Jess gave her mom and I all the details about the rehab facility she would be staying at. It was voluntary and she could leave at any time. There was zero tolerance for alcohol or drug use of during the stay and indulging in either would get you booted out. There were urine and blood tests administered weekly to ensure everyone in the program was following the rules. Jess seemed genuinely excited about going and I was confident things were going to work out.

I woke up the next morning and saw a text on my phone from Jess's mom thanking me for helping her get Jess into rehab. I was rooting for Jess and I was going to do all I could to make sure she steered clear of Jimmy and his crew. I sent Rob a quick message to see if he was up for a workout. He was good to go. I opened my door and heard my parents going at it. I walked into the bathroom, cleaned myself up, changed into sweats and a hoodie, put on my running shoes, and headed straight for the front door. I wanted to get out of the house quickly without seeing my father. He and I going at it was always a risk when he was in a mood. Avoiding him was my best option for avoiding confrontation.

Unfortunately, what stood in front of me and the front door was my father berating Trent for something. It never took much to get the old man riled, and we were always walking on eggshells trying not to set him off. Trouble is when anything from a pair of shoes left in the entrance to our home to which way the wind was blowing could light a fuse that made him go off, even walking on eggshells wasn't enough to keep his rage at bay. I opened my door to listen to what was going on before making my way out because my father's voice had gone up another level and now my mom was trying to calm him down, and that never turned out well.

"Stop worrying about such petty things, Hank. The boy didn't put a hole in the chair on purpose. It was an accident."

"How many accidents does he need to have a week?! The kid's a menace."

"Keep your voice down. The windows are open and the neighbours can hear you."

"I don't care who hears me. If the neighbours want to be nosy, little bastards, they can listen all day long for all I care."

He went back to berating Trent, who was staring at the ground with a dejected and helpless look on his face. Too afraid to talk back and angry at himself for standing there and taking the abuse. The same way I felt every time I had it out with the old man. I was never in the mood to listen to endless ranting and raving about mundane things, but this morning feeling the way I did, I was getting pissed off real good and real quick.

I told myself to shut up and walk out and have a talk with Trent later to make him feel better, but I didn't listen to myself. I never could keep my mouth shut in circumstances like this and whatever was on my mind came out of my mouth. I didn't have an edit button and it had made many altercations with people much more difficult than they needed to be.

I walked past the two of them and turned to look at my father and said, "I think he gets the message."

"Was I talking to you. Eddie? Butt out and mind your own business. I'm not in the mood for your lip."

"I'm not in the mood for your lip, either," I responded.

He walked over to me and got right in my face and with one hand he grabbed me by the shirt, lifted me against the wall, and held me there for a few seconds while staring into my eyes. He was a big, strong, six-foot-tall man and although he never hit me, he sure as hell knew how to intimidate and bully me. Anger and a desire to just lash outraged inside me but I knew hitting him would be suicide.

A few seconds later, he let me down and turned toward my mother. I said, "Your day will come, old man."

He turned back toward me with that twisted look he got on his face and responded. "Are you challenging me, boy? Is that what you're doing, challenging me?" he repeated while walking toward me.

My adrenaline was flowing, my fists were clenched, and my teeth were grinding as I stood there shaking inside with anger. He stood in front of me waiting for an answer he knew wasn't coming because we had done this dance so many times before. I could only go so far, and I wasn't willing to hit him, and it wasn't fear as much as it seemed like such a sick and twisted thing to do. My mother quickly walked over and stood between us and said, "Eddie, you need to leave now, son."

I took her advice and walked out the door and down the street. As I walked, I took note of how fast my heart was still beating and how all this bad energy was building up inside me as I cursed him and had visions of laying him out with a good left hook. I wanted to let all this energy out, but it just kept building up inside me like it didn't know where to go. I couldn't tell you for sure what it was doing to my insides. I can tell you I walked around as stiff as a board and was wound as tight as a top. I would remain in a state of hypervigilance for days after each incident.

You keep pissing everyone off Eddie and soon there won't be anyone who wants to hang with you. Except for me that is. Your Hunter will be with you until the end I promise.

I shook my head and picked up my pace hoping to drown out my nemesis if only for a few hours.

Chapter 11

When Jillian and I had been together for a couple of months, it felt like we had been dating for years. By February, it was almost a given that I'd walk Jillian home after school and would hang out at her house three nights a week. We worked out, walked through the forest, cooked together, and I had even started teaching her how to play the guitar. It was simple, but it was everything I needed in my life. Jillian was the calm I needed and being with her became an essential part of my day. It was weird to go even one day without talking. Now that we knew each other so well, I didn't feel as embarrassed admitting how terribly I was doing in math and asking if she could tutor me.

I skipped my last class of the day and went to the library to finish writing a paper that had been due the week before. I was falling behind and having such a tough time concentrating in class I thought I could get more done on my own time. Jillian was going to meet me here after last class and tutor me in math, and I was looking forward to that. I put my books down on a table beside a window at the back of the library and sat down. I put pen to paper and started to think about what I was going to write. I was supposed to free write and put down whatever came up and worry about editing later. I sat there for ten minutes drawing stick men and signing my name in different ways. I couldn't think of anything to write about. I was tapping the pencil on the page while my foot tapped the floor and I started humming songs and drifted off imagining future dates I would have with Jillian.

Maybe I could write something about falling in love, I thought, but that seemed kind of goofy. I decided to take a walk down the rows of bookshelves and see if they had any classic literature here. I loved books from the eighteen-hundreds. Authors like Dickens, Twain, and Dumas were some of my favorites. Reading was the one thing I did lots of over the years because it helped me escape, take me to another place. That's why the older books were the best. It wasn't just an escape into someone else's life; it was an escape into another time.

I preferred lying on my bed reading a book to sitting in front of a television with other people. Watching TV made it too easy for the Hunter to talk to me while reading made it somewhat more challenging. The Hunter was still present and sometimes I would have to read each page twice or even three times while trying to push obsessive thoughts out of my overworked brain, but at least it made it a bit harder for him to do so.

I pulled a copy of The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas from the shelf and opened it up. I had read this two years ago and loved it. I read the back cover and the story came back to me. I'm going to read this again once I clear the toys out of my attic, I thought. I went back to the table, sat down and stared at the page with all my doodles on it ripped it off and put it aside. I put pen to paper again and promised not to overthink this exercise and just write whatever was on my mind. I won't write a love story. I'll just write about a date I want to go on with Jillian. That should be easy and I know I can free write that.

I started writing and sure enough I had more than enough. I had hit my word count and figured out a great date night at the same time. I was reviewing what I had written when Jillian walked up and dropped her books onto the table.

"You ready for some serious studying?" she asked. She smiled and gave me a quick kiss, then sat down.

"I hope you're patient, Jillian." I laughed but I was serious. Something about math didn't register with me, but I needed this calculus class to get into any decent university programs. I was determined to figure it out.

"I know this sounds cliché," she said, "but no questions are dumb questions so ask me whatever you want and stop me the second you aren't following what I'm saying. Missing one small detail can throw you off. Do you have a copy of our last exam? I can look at it and see where you struggled and start by explaining how to work those problems out."

I opened my notebook and pulled the exam out. It had more red ink on it than numbers from all the errors I had made. I was embarrassed but if Jillian thought I was an idiot she didn't show it. Her facial expression never changed when she saw the grade of thirty-five percent.

"Let's start here she said, pointing to an equation on the second page. She proceeded to explain each problem and had me do the work right there in front of her to make sure I understood everything. She was smart as a whip. We were able to cover half the exam before leaving. Jillian had to be home for dinner because her brother was in town for a few days. The buses had already left school, and I was hoping she would want to walk so we could talk some more. She was game. It was still light outside but getting dark quickly and the temperature was starting to drop. I was looking at a big maple up ahead. Its branches were bare but lined with snow.

"Winter really bums me out," I said, thinking to myself but speaking out loud.

"Me too." Jillian said. "Fall is my favorite time of year."

"Why is that?" I asked.

"I like the temperature. It's cool but not cold and I love wearing sweaters. I love sitting in front of a fire to get warm after going on a long walk through the forest. I also love how the trees look, like when you look at a mountain and the whole side of it is one big array of orange, red and yellow. Nothing more beautiful in my opinion."

Count me in and I'll cut enough to let us sit in front of a fire for months, I thought to my sappy self, but instead I said, "We don't have a fireplace, but I do love a fire. My buddy Rob has a firepit in his backyard and we've spent a lot of nights out back drinking beers in front of an open fire. Nothing beats that smell."

I took a deep breath, "Someone close by is having a fire right now. Can you smell that?"

She nodded. "Would you rather watch the sunset or the sunrise?"

"My favorite time of day is dusk when the sun sets and the sky starts to darken. A perfect day is when the sky turns a dark blue and is covered in stars and a bright full moon, and not a cloud to be seen. I walk along the old railway tracks at night a lot on nights like that and the moon gives me all the light I need. How about you?"

"I like them all—sunrises, sunsets, moonlit nights. I just love being outside."

I loved being outside also, it was where I was most at peace. She and I could do lots together outside, and that made me happy. "You ever wonder what is beyond the sky?" I asked her.

"What do you mean?"

"You know how they say the universe goes on forever?"

She nodded.

"Well it seems to me there has to be something beyond the sky we see. I don't understand how it can keep going and going. Shouldn't there be something at the end of it?"

"I've never thought about that, but I have wondered how it all began."

"Does it drive you crazy when you try to figure it out?"

"I don't think about it because I know I can't figure it out, so I don't bother trying."

I wished I could put questions I can't answer out of my head that easily. I couldn't believe I just asked her that. She's going to think I'm a nut, I thought. I kept my head down as we walked, feeling a bit overwhelmed by her answers. So simple...why couldn't I do that?

She grabbed my hand and said with a smile. "There's no shame in being a deep person Eddie. I actually really like that."

"I guess I'm lucky then." I said grinning at her. "It's just annoying really. I think a lot of life's big questions, but there's not a lot of people I can talk to about this stuff. Everyone either looks at you funny or just changes the topic. Seems like no one really wants to talk about it."

"You're right, not a lot of people do. I knew you were deep when you told me who your favorite authors were and what books you liked reading," she said.

I smiled. "I'm glad you like deep," I said. I just hope I can stop myself from going too deep, I thought. "I appreciate all the help today, Jillian." I said as we approached her house.

"We have more to do. I should have some free time next week and we can finish reviewing that exam." She answered.

"I guess you're all booked up with your brother this weekend?"

"We have lots planned. My parents are trying to fit twenty excursions into four days."

"I get it. Well, maybe we can do something next week."

"I can get away from the family for a little bit this weekend if you want."

"Great, I'll think of something."

She turned to face me and kissed me goodbye. Our lips met with perfect firmness and hers lingered on mine for a long time. It was heaven. She slowly peeled away from me looking up and smiling. I waited until she walked into the house then started walking home. Our kisses were better than I had imagined, and I was excited about her making time for me this weekend even though her brother was in town. I had no idea where this was going but I knew I wanted it to go somewhere good. I hoped that when we got there I would be in a better place myself so I could enjoy more than fleeting moments of happiness.

Chapter 12

The next week at school actually felt good. I was following along in math and was pretty up to date in most of my other classes. When it was finally Friday, I waited for Trent on the back plaza of the junior side after school. We were going to hang out for a few hours today and I wanted to take him out for a milkshake at a dairy bar not far from school. He walked out with a girl by his side. They were laughing and talking a mile a minute. They walked over to the line of buses and she got onto one and Trent turned around and headed toward me grinning ear to ear.

"She's cute," I said. "Is that the girl you talk to in class all the time?"

"Yes."

I waited for him to say more but he just stood in front of me with a stupid grin on his face.

"Tell me you asked her out on a date?"

He shook his head. "She asked me if I wanted to come over to her house after school and hang out."

"Why didn't you go?"

"You and I are hanging out, but I told her I could come over tomorrow or Sunday, or any other day next week." I slapped my hand on his shoulder.

"Good man. I'm proud of you, buddy. I told you she liked you."

"It feels good having a crush on someone."

"It sure does," I said.

We started walking. "Speaking of crushes Eddie, everyone in school is saying you and Jillian are the hottest couple. All the guys in my grade talk about her, they're so jealous of you."

I laughed and said, "She's really nice too, and smart as hell. I'm a lucky guy."

"About that girl you saw me with Eddie, please don't say anything to anybody until I go out with her a few times. Just in case things don't work out." I nodded in agreement.

"Also, I want to meet Jillian." He added.

"You will soon buddy." I hadn't thought about bringing Jillian home yet because things were going so well. I had never brought a serious girl home before, and I had no idea how my dad would react to that.

"Maybe we could go on a double date?" Trent asked, only half-kidding.

"You'd definitely learn a few things watching your brother in action," I said, laughing.

"I'm serious. I think it would be fun. We could all go to a movie."

"I'm with you, pal."

"What made you so crazy about Jillian?"

"Plenty. I like the way she carries herself. She's confident and well-spoken. She's smart as hell and that's pretty sexy."

"So you think she's hot?" Trent asked.

I laughed.

"Of course I do, but it's the whole package that makes her special. Do you know when I sit behind her, I lean my desk forward so I can smell her hair and her perfume. How insane is that?"

"I wouldn't be telling Clark or Rob that," Trent said. "You'll never hear the end of it."

"I don't plan on it." We shared a good laugh.

"Where are we headed?"

"I was thinking we could grab a shake over at the dairy bar and then I could spend a few hours helping you work on that old clunker sitting in our driveway. Is that good with you?"

"Great. It's never too cold for a milkshake!"

I loved the atmosphere of this dairy bar. It looked like a replica of a nineteen-fifties diner, complete with a jukebox, neon signs, and a counter with a row of stools bolted to the floor running along the front of it. Red-and-white booths lined either side of the place and the floor was covered with big square black and white tiles. We arrived to find it hopping. We stood in line and looked up at the menu. There were over twenty different kind of shakes and over the years we had tried them all. I liked simple. A strawberry vanilla was my go-to. Trent preferred the more exotic ones and today he chose bubble gum combo.

There were no booths available, so we walked outside to sit at one the tables they had lined up out front. It was a beautiful day, sunny but cold. I took a deep breath of fresh air and started thinking about Jillian while enjoying my shake.

Trent let out a belch that was so loud it startled the hell out of me and gave him a good laugh.

"Do you think we could go by the scrapyard before we go home? I need to find an oil pan and a battery for the clunker. They won't cost much and I can pay you back in a couple of weeks." Trent asked.

"We can do that. You know what I want you to do one day? Show me how to do an oil change." Trent was taking a mechanics class at school and loved it. He could talk about cars for hours.

"That's easy. I have to change the oil in Dad's car come spring. We could do that together one day after school." Trent answered.

"Are you still liking the mechanics classes you're taking at school?" I asked.

"I love the program. I never get bored working on cars."

"Did report cards get sent home yet, Trent?"

"Mine came yesterday and I did pretty good. Mom and Dad were happy. My grades were above the class average and higher than they were last year." He was using his straw to spoon out the last drops of milkshake from his cup.

"Good job, buddy. Keep it up. Did they say anything about my report card?" I asked, in an attempt to be casual.

"No, why?" He looked nervous as he answered.

"I don't think they're going to be thrilled about my grades. I've been loafing way too much this year."

"Dad will hit the roof if your grades are bad. He's going to make you get a job and move out. He said as much a few weeks ago, remember. I don't want you to move out, Eddie." Trent had put the milkshake cup down and was looking at me with pleading eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere. Jillian is tutoring me and I'm going to really try this next term."

"You shouldn't be loafing. You're too smart to be flunking out of school." he whispered.

"I'm searching is all Trent. Just trying to figure out what I want to do once I graduate. You're right though."

"Promise me you won't talk back to Dad if he gets mad at you. I worry that he could end up hitting you someday."

"It's never going to come down to that."

"I don't know; it seems to get worse and worse every time you two go at it. He had a look in his eye that I've never seen before."

"Heat of the moment is all. We've had it out a hundred times and he's never hit me before. I can promise you I won't hit him. I'm going to steer clear of him and everything will be fine."

"Why do you think the two of you fight so much?"

"He doesn't like me."

"Mom said he loves you, he just doesn't understand you."

"Trust me, he doesn't like me. I wouldn't care about that if he left me alone. For some reason, he thinks it's OK to talk down to me and ride my ass day and night because I don't fit into his box of acceptable. Not everyone gets along and it's fine not to like somebody. It's wrong to treat them with zero respect, though, even if you are their kid. You never see him talk to anyone outside our house the way he talks to us, do you?"

Trent didn't say anything for a minute, then responded. "Maybe if you didn't talk back so much you two would get along better."

"Not a chance. I'm entitled to my opinion and I should be able to express it when I feel like it. Nobody has a right to get mad at you for having an opinion that's different than theirs. When he gets in your face and starts talking down to you, that's just wrong."

Trent was looking down at the ground. "I know it is," he answered without looking up.

"You know it's wrong, but you think it's your fault. Am I right? You think you did something to make him behave that way?"

"I don't know, maybe."

"Of course you do. That's why you're looking down at the ground now instead of at me. The same thing you did when he spoke to you the way he did on Saturday. You know why I know that, Trent?" I paused. "You really need to look at me."

He finally looked up.

"I know because I use to think I was the problem. I used to look at the ground when he was berating me, and I would spend days trying to figure out what I was doing to make him so mad. Well, guess what I figured out? You can't make anyone act that way. They choose to behave that way. Nothing you or I have ever done warrants that kind of behaviour."

I was getting all riled up and Trent was getting upset so I calmed myself down. "I'm sorry, buddy. I had to vent. I promise you that dad and I won't get into anymore shouting matches. If he comes down on me for a bad report card, I'm fine with that because I deserve it. Let's hit the road and start planning our double date."

Trent smiled and we stood up and headed home.

The next day I had decided to go see Jess. I was feeling anxious as I approached the facility she was staying in. The place was formal and formal always made me uncomfortable. I signed in at the front desk and walked into her room to find her looking out a window into a courtyard. I was relieved to see that she looked rested and healthy. I knocked softly on the open door and she turned to me and gave me a big smile.

"I hope you're in the mood for a burger and a shake!" I said as I lifted a takeout bag above my head. She gave me a big hug and held on tight.

"You look really good Jess." She held on for the longest hug she had ever given me before sitting back down. I pulled a chair over and sat down beside her. I wasn't sure about what to talk about given the circumstances and I was fidgeting in my seat.

"Don't be nervous Eddie, they won't keep you here" she laughed. I eased up, happy to hear her making a joke.

"Have you met some decent people here that are a part of the program?" She nodded in the affirmative then looked outside. "I'm happy to be here if you can believe that. It's given me time to think and sort things out. The therapy sessions are helping me look at my issues from a different perspective and I think I'm starting to figure stuff out."

"You're a smart girl Jess and I know you're going to get through this and come out of here better than ever." She smiled and pointed into the courtyard. "See that girl pacing over in the corner of the yard?" I nodded.

"She's a nice girl but she doesn't have any support on the outside. She is getting out tomorrow and she is terrified. It's scary once you realize what a hold these drugs have on you.

I don't like feeling everything all the time Eddie you know. I like being able to escape sometimes and I know that's lame but it's what I've always done. I never meant to hurt anyone in the process."

"Your life is going to start getting better Jess and before you know it, you'll find better ways of escaping." She grinned but I could tell her mind was a million miles away.

"I'm starving Jess. Let's eat then maybe you can take me outside and show me around the grounds. I brought some cards too if you're up for it later." I offered. She smiled and we dove into our meals.

We spent the rest of the afternoon talking and playing cards.

Chapter 13

I worked a grueling Sunday shift hat made the time pass pretty quickly. Before I knew it, the next school week had passed, and Clark and I were heading over to Rob's house after Friday's football practice. We were going to the pool hall tonight to meet Beth and Judy.

"I'm nervous as hell about meeting Judy. Do you think she knows I'm into her?" Clark said.

"You have nothing to worry about, buddy. Rob will have made it sound casual, a few friends getting together for a night out. If things click between the two of you then great. If not, you made a new friend."

"I hope she likes me."

"If you can keep the marbles out of your mouth and let loose and just be Clark, she'll be all over you."

"What do you mean let loose? I love having fun."

"Something happens to you when you're around girls you want to date. You get all nervous. I'm not trying to talk badly about you. I just want to make sure you don't think too much tonight if that makes sense."

"I hear you." We walked for a few minutes in silence, then Clark looked over at me.

"You ever worry about getting dumped?"

"No. I'm not saying I like getting dumped, but I never worry about it."

"I worry about it. Kendra cheating on me, then dumping my sorry ass. That still hurts. Can you believe that? It was over a year ago."

I looked at him with a smile on my face. "Have you ever heard of a group called Bread?"

"No."

"They're a group from the seventies and they sing love songs that will make you howl. I know because the first time I was cheated on and dumped, I downloaded their 'best of' compilation. I listened to it every night and howled at the moon after breaking up with Lynda. The lyrics will kill you. 'If a picture paints a thousand words then why can't I paint you,' I quoted. Try listening to those words while imagining your ex hanging with her new boyfriend."

"Why the hell would you torture yourself like that?"

"Helped me deal with what happened. I didn't try to pretend I wasn't hurt. I was crushed, but I knew over time I would heal if I was willing to go through the pain. Does that make sense?"

"I guess. Do you blame yourself for her cheating?"

"Not a chance. I looked at it as her loss. Why should I feel bad about something she did?"

"I think I'm afraid of getting cheated on again."

"Don't be. There are so many great girls out there looking for a great guy like you. I think Judy is one of them."

We were quiet for the rest of the walk. I had no doubt Clark was going over and over everything he would say and not say to Judy tonight. I was humming the old Bread songs and laughing my ass off thinking about my days of howling at the moon. As we approached Rob's house, we could see a car on his front lawn. It looked as though he was pulling someone out of the car. We ran over thinking there had been an accident. We stood staring at Rob who was helping his dad out of the car.

"Is he OK, Rob? Do you need any help?"

The old man was drunk and I could tell by the look on Rob's face that he was livid.

"This useless dick can barely stand up on his own and he's driving a freakin' car." He leaned his father up against the car and started yelling at him. "You could have killed someone you moron!"

His father responded with some choice swear words. He was leaning to his right side and began to slide down the side of the car. Rob caught him by the arm, and we helped him walk his father into the house. Rob was talking smack about his father the whole time.

We sat him down on the couch and he stared at us with a bewildered look on his face. "I didn't drink that much. My stomach was empty, and it hit me all at once on my way home. Go and get your old man a beer, Rob." He said wagging a finger at the fridge. His speech was completely slurred.

Rob's face contorted with anger. "Not a chance. If you ever drive home in a state like that again, I'll call the cops and have you arrested."

His father laughed. "You self-righteous son of a bitch, who do you think you are?" Then he called out, "Di, get me a beer."

"Mom's not here, she's gone to stay with her sister for a few weeks." Rob told him. His dad scoffed.

"Why didn't she tell me? Little bitch."

"Why do you even care?"

His father didn't respond and his eyes were starting to close. He leaned sideways and passed out on the couch. Rob walked out of the room and came back with a couple of blankets and spread them over his dad.

We walked outside, and Rob moved the car from the lawn to the driveway and parked it. It had a blown front tire and a dent on the front bumper. He stepped out of the car and looked at us.

"Welcome to chaos, my friends. This stuff never ends and I'm sick of babysitting two grown-ups." He shook his head. "I hope you boys are up for some fun." He looked at Clark. "Beth stopped by earlier with Judy, and she looks real good Clark."

Clark smiled. My phone rang and I looked down to see Jess's number. I always answered my phone anytime she called me because I worried about her. She was hoping I'd be willing to come over to visit her again. I told her I was out with the boys and would call her tomorrow. She sounded lonely and I felt bad about avoiding her other calls. I left our last visit totally overwhelmed and sad. The rehab was unsettling. Even though it was a place for people to get their lives back on track, there was this atmosphere of defeat and sadness that I held on to for days after I left.

"Who's that?" Clark asked.

"That was Jess." I hoped that would be the end of it but no such luck.

"How is she? I haven't seen much of her lately. Where's she been hanging out?" Rob asked. It wasn't my place to be sharing Jess's story, and she was working on her issues, I didn't think talking about her rehab was right. So, I just lied to the boys.

"With her boyfriend Jimmy. You know the guy who works as a bartender at the same club that Ryan is a bouncer at." Ryan was a heavyweight who boxed at our gym.

Rob shook his head. "Jimmy is trouble."

"No kidding! I've told her a bunch of times. I think she's starting to notice who he is, but we can't force her to do anything, so I guess we just have to wait it out."

"She'll see his true colors soon enough, I'm sure," Rob said.

"I hope so. I gave her my opinion of him and that didn't go over well."

We walked along for a few minutes without saying much. I looked over at Rob and said with a smile. "I have to ask you, buddy. How did the car end up on the lawn?"

"You won't believe this stuff." Rob started laughing as he told the story, but I'd seen what he'd been like with his dad. There must have been some pain there.

"The old man goes out to spend the afternoon at the local pub and then tries to drive back. But just as he reaches the house, he starts to feel like he's going to lose his lunch inside his car. So, he figures, screw that, and opens the car door to yak outside of it. He starts blowing and leans out too far and loses his balance and falls out of the moving car. The car kept going and ran up the curb and onto our front lawn. He tried getting back in to drive it off the lawn. I watched the whole thing from the porch. You can't make these kinds of stories up."

He laughed again. "I must say it was entertaining in a pathetic way."

"It must get to you."

"More than you know, boys. More than you know." Rob started shadowboxing in front of me as we walked. "I hope you're ready for fight night. It's getting close." He jumped a few feet in front of me and started walking backwards while continuing to shadowbox. "You been practicing everything I showed you. Working on that defense? C'mon put 'em up and let's see where you're at!"

I smiled and put my hands up and started throwing jabs his way, trying to focus on his hands as they flew toward me. He was quick and he could throw two punches for everyone that I could throw.

"Your jab is coming along nicely, Eddie, but look where your head is every time you throw it. Leading with it will get you smacked up good." He stopped shadowboxing and caught his breath while walking beside me. "I think you're going to do really well."

"I hope so; I'm pumped for sure."

"Is anyone going to watch you fight, Rob?"

"Beth is coming with a few of her friends. Are you going to be there, Clark?"

"Wouldn't miss it."

"Great. If things work out well tonight between you and Judy, you can bring her. One of the boys is having a party afterwards. It should be lots of fun."

"Are we going to meet Jillian tonight?"

"She's going to try show up after work."

"We'll make sure to be on our best behaviour. Won't we, Clark?" Rob winked.

We loved going to the pool hall because they never carded us. We had fake IDs but never had to use them here. Most of the people who came were older, and it was a lowkey place. We went inside to find Beth and Judy playing at a table near the back. The place was jammed with people, and all twenty tables were being used. There was a long bar that ran along the back wall. A few people sat on stools that lined the bar watching sports. Others stood drinking and talking. Beth gave us all a hug and Judy smiled and said how nice it was to see us again. We talked about Clark's party from the fall and how much fun we all had while they finished up their game. We all agreed Clark had to throw another one once the weather got warmer.

"You boys up for a little competition? Winner takes a pitcher."

"I like free beer," Clark said with a smirk on his face.

I racked the balls up and Rob broke. He dropped one in the corner pocket and missed his second shot. Judy was up next, and she proceeded to sink five in a row. It was the beginning of the end for us. We lost the first game badly.

"So much for free beer, huh, Clark," Judy said, smiling her hand on her hip, her other holding the pool stick.

"How about double or nothing? Give you boys a chance to even the score," Beth said.

Clark turned to me. "How much money do you have on you?"

"Enough, why?"

"They're going to smoke us, that's why." He laughed. "Your turn to break, girls," he said, racking the balls.

Judy broke and went on to run the table while we stood by dumbfounded. "You girls go to school or hang out here all day practicing?" I said. I pulled a twenty out of my pocket and handed it to Beth. She went up to the bar to get the pitchers, came back and poured us each a glass. It was good and cold going down and we polished both off in no time.

My phone buzzed. I looked down to see a text from Jillian telling me she was outside. "She's here. I'm going to meet her in the parking lot, I'll be right back."

I walked out and she was standing by the door and I kissed her. "The boys are pumped to meet you."

I was excited and nervous introducing her to my best friends, and of course, once the formalities were over with, the boys proceeded to ride me. They started by telling Jillian that she had better look over my resume before investing too much time in me. The jokes kept coming as we rode each other good. We played a few games and mixed up the teams. Beth was my partner, Rob and Judy paired up, as did Clark and Jillian. It helped all of us get to know each other better. Jillian was having a blast and laughing up a storm. I was feeling good about that, I also noticed Judy doing a fair bit of flirting with Clark and that did my heart good. He was letting loose, and his personality was shining.

"You guys up for some wings?" Beth asked.

"Always," we answered, almost in unison.

We played a couple more games while waiting for the wings, then found a table to sit down at. On our way to the table, I saw Jimmy, Jess's boyfriend, sitting at a table with a loud and rowdy group. He had a girl sitting beside him and she was rubbing his arm and smiling at him like he was a god.

I got my back up and said to Rob, "Look who's shooting his mouth off again. Captain Stupid and his band of degenerates."

"You have to stop getting all tensed up every time you see Jimmy."

"I don't like how he treats Jess. You know what he's done in the past. Look at him flirting with that girl sitting beside him. If Jess walked in here, she'd flip her lid."

"Let's chill, Jess is a big girl, and like I said before she'll see him for who is really is soon enough." Rob answered taking a swig of his beer.

He put his arm on my shoulder. "I like Jillian, buddy. She's a keeper."

A few minutes later, a waitress brought over a plate of wings with two bowls of sauce—one mild and one hot. She gave us plenty of napkins and warned us that the hot sauce was as hot as a jalapeno pepper.

The hotter the better, I thought.

By the time I had polished off three, the sweat was dripping down my face. I looked over at Clark and Rob and they were in the same boat.

Beth looked at us. "Why do you two put yourselves through this every time we get wings? You can't be enjoying them." She laughed.

"Loving them." Rob laughed and wiped his brow.

By the time we had finished eating, it was close to eleven and Jillian had to leave. She had a volleyball game early the next morning. Our school team had made play-offs, so now she was having to play on the weekends. She told me to stay but I was ready to go. They all piped in and told me to man up and stay a while longer. I told them I had to leave because I worked early the next morning.

That wasn't the full story. The truth was harder to explain. My heart was getting heavy, my mind was starting to race, and I was getting anxious. These were the signs that meant the darkest movie on the planet was about to start playing again in the space between my ears. The movie would be about anything bad that ever happened to me or anyone I cared about. It would be about all the pain and suffering going on in this world. It was about all the bad things that would surely happen to me and those I loved. If not tonight, then one day down the road.

I was going to be the only person in the audience watching this movie. No one else would know what the movie was about or that it was playing inside my head. I would immerse myself in it and pay attention to every detail. Not because I wanted to, but because I had no choice. My brain was going into autopilot, and no matter what I did or said, where I went or who I saw, that movie would play. If I stayed here all I would be able to do is worry, pace, and obsess. Everything would become a chore, even something as simple as talking and listening. Jillian drove me home and we sat in front of my house talking for a few minutes. Jillian leaned over and gave me a long, slow kiss that was out of this world.

"Did I pass the test?" she asked.

"You're a real good kisser," I admitted.

She laughed placing her hands on my face. "I meant with your buddies."

"They loved you." I replied.

"They seem like great guys and I'm glad I met them."

We agreed that I'd come see her games, and I leaned over and gave her another kiss and said goodbye. I stood on the curb and watched her drive to the end of the street before walking in the house. Everyone was asleep. I slid in my bed and closed my eyes. I tried to think about that long, slow kiss Jillian had given me but the dark movie kept rolling in my mind. I stopped trying. I prayed that morning would bring the end of the movie so I could enjoy watching her play.

Chapter 14

I woke up early. By the time I opened my eyes and stood up, the movie was playing again. I picked my phone up off my night table and saw a message from Jillian. "Can't wait to see you at the game xo."

I was determined to pause this movie. I couldn't miss her games. I had time for a run and figured that would help. I got dressed and headed out. I ran hard for a few miles, took a quick shower, then walked into the kitchen to ask my mom if she could drop me off at North Park Secondary School.

"Don't you want to eat something before you go?"

"I'm good, thanks," I said.

"Are you sure? I made sausages and the eggs will be ready in a few minutes." I walked over to the stove and looked at all the food cooking and that was it for me. I sat down at the table and Mom proceeded to load my plate up.

She sat down across from me with her coffee. "What's going on at North Park this morning?"

"Jillian has a volleyball game."

"Since when do you watch volleyball?" I gave her my smirk and she smiled back.

"You're getting serious with this girl, aren't you?"

"I like her a lot."

"Seems like your spending all your free time with her."

I nodded. "She makes me feel good. She's really smart. She's been tutoring me in math and my grades have improved big time."

"You're very smart, Eddie. If you applied yourself, you could do anything you put your mind to." My mom said as she sipped her coffee.

"We'll see. I'm definitely applying myself more this term."

"Have you met her parents?"

"I've met her mom a few times, really nice lady. Her brother is away in university and her dad travels quite often, so I haven't met them."

I didn't really want to have a conversation about Jillian with my mom but I knew what a kick she got out of her boys having girlfriends. I wasn't going to clam up and deprive her. Like I've said before, she did so much and asked for so little in return.

"Does she have a part-time job?"

"She tutors people."

"When am I going to meet her?"

"Soon."

She was quiet for a minute, and I finished what was left on my plate.

"You've never spent this much time with a girl before and I can tell you're crazy about her."

"I am."

"Are you in love?"

"Mom, really, this is getting embarrassing."

She smiled. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to pry."

"Don't worry about it. Yes, I am in love," I said with a big grin on my face. "I've never felt anything like this before. She's different. She's comfortable in her own skin and doesn't give a damn about being popular or doing all the right things." I stood up and walked my plate to the sink and we left the house a few minutes later.

While driving me to North Park, my mother asked me a hundred more questions about Jillian, and I was able to answer all of them. I realized at that moment that I had come to know her like no one else before. We stopped in front of the school, and I gave my mom a kiss on the cheek, thanked her for the ride.

As I stepped out of the car she said, "You make sure to ask Jillian to come over for a visit. Tell her your mom wants to meet her, and I'm very nice." She smiled and gave me a wink.

In the gymnasium, there were four games being played simultaneously. I found our school colors, then walked over and stood along the wall with the other spectators. Jillian was on the court and her team was serving. She looked great in her uniform. Her hair was pulled tight in a ponytail and she had an intense look on her face.

I had a basic understanding of the game and was impressed with the athleticism these girls possessed. Some of them had a vertical jump that would match that of any of our wide receivers. The players rotated from position to position and Jillian was about to serve. She smashed the ball over the net and into her opponent's court with such force nobody was able to touch it. She repeated this several times and I was loving it.

The game finished and her team gathered near their bench. Jillian looked over and saw me standing on the wall and gave me a big smile. Her team got a pep talk from their coach, then they all grabbed their water bottles and had a drink. Jillian was talking to a few of her teammates and I saw them give me the onceover. I turned and looked away, feeling very self-conscious standing alone against a wall. Her team moved to another court and I followed. They ended up playing eight games, two against each of four teams.

Afterward, I went outside to wait for her. I walked across the parking to the football field and walked the sideline. I had played on this field a few times and all kinds of memories came flooding back. I'd never play on it again seeing as we had already played North Park this year and they were out of the playoffs.

Seems like yesterday I started high school, I thought.

I was feeling sentimental, and I started going back in time. I thought about the first time I wore my school colors playing a sport. I started reminiscing about all the people I'd met over the years. How each of us had changed—some for the better, others for the worse. I thought about my first kiss after a slow dance with a girl at a school dance. How I leaned to the right and she leaned to the left and our lips never did meet. I was turning beet red now just thinking about it but was smiling. I thought about the girls I had crushes on. About the one I lost my virginity to and thought I would marry.

I took a deep breath of that crisp winter air. I thought long and hard for a few minutes about what I had learned over the years outside the classroom. I learned what goes around comes around most of the time. That nothing is black and white and thank God for that. I learned that no matter how tough you are someone's always tougher. As my father tried to tell me many times, you go down the well too many times and eventually, you'll come up empty. I learned that embracing who you are is tough sometimes but a very necessary ingredient in finding happiness. Brief moments of clarity far away from the hunter allowed me to sift through my thoughts and try to organize them. It felt good. I stood there pontificating to myself for another ten minutes before I heard Jillian call out from behind me.

"Hey, you. I'm so happy you came." She gave me a kiss and a hug.

I held her tight. "You were amazing. Man, can you serve."

She smiled and we started walking toward her car. I reached down to hold her hand.

"What do feel like doing?" I asked.

"It's such a nice day; I say we go for a long walk in the woods near my house. Then go to my house and I'll make us some food."

"Sounds good to me."

We spent a good two hours walking through the forest before heading back to her place. We walked inside to find the house empty. We went into the kitchen and I sat down on a stool in front of the island.

"I hope you like tomato sandwiches," Jillian said.

"My favorite."

She took a bunch of stuff out of the fridge and brought it over to the island. She handed me a bottle of juice then started cutting up some tomatoes.

"I can put lettuce, cheese, onions, whatever you want on it, Eddie."

"I like it all, thanks."

There was a loaf of crusty bread on the counter and she sliced it up and loaded them up. I wasn't worried about eating around her anymore and by now she knew what my appetite was like. I went big and ate three sandwiches and would have gone for number four if we hadn't run out of tomatoes.

"Thanks, Jillian, they were so good."

"Are you sure you're full?" She giggled, wiping mayonnaise off my cheek.

"Oh, ya."

"Do you have room for some hot chocolate?"

"Of course." Jillian started making the hot chocolate and I asked where her parents were.

"They went to the cottage for a couple of days."

"Are you going to take me there one day?"

"You'd love it. So much to do. We can hike and swim in the lake, go kayaking. I can't wait to bring you."

"I can't wait to go. Where would you want to live if you could choose anywhere?" I asked.

"I'd live in a small town close to the ocean. And you?"

"I like small towns, but I'd like to live on a ranch."

"Would you want to raise livestock?"

"I like bison. They are amazing animals. There's a bison ranch near Clark's farm that I visit every time I go see him. I'd like to take you next time I go."

"I'd love to go."

"What do you like best about the ocean?"

"I love everything about it. I love sharks, coral reefs, and white sandy beaches. I even love the smell of seaweed. The ocean makes me feel alive. It soothes my soul. I'm seriously considering taking marine biology as my undergrad major before going to law school. I like to think that if I go into environmental law, I could make some real changes in this world."

What I wouldn't give to have my life together like that, I thought. Jillian knew what she wanted and was willing to do whatever it took to get it, which was one of the reasons I had so much respect for her.

"You've never told me what you want to take in university."

"To be honest, I'm still searching. I'd love to give you an answer like the one you gave me but that would be a lie. I'm just all over the map and I need to focus."

"It will come to you in good time."

"I know I don't need much. I'd like to live a simple and peaceful life."

"A complex person with simple pleasures," she said.

"You think I'm complex?"

"I do. The way we talk, what we talk about. I have never had conversations like that with anyone else: guy or girl. You are made of many layers, and as I peel each one-off, I am more and more intrigued. You really make me happy, Eddie. I want you to know that." She leaned over and kissed me. Her compliment meant more to me than anything anyone had ever said to me before.

"I had a crush on you for four years. Did you know that?" I said with a smile.

I wondered why I'd suddenly blurted that out. The boys were right to say I was turning into a marshmallow. Who gives a crap, buddy, it feels good, I thought.

She giggled, and she had a look of genuine shock on her face. "What took you so long to ask me out?"

"A bunch of reasons, but mainly I was afraid you'd say no." She smiled and said nothing, so I had to ask. "Would you have said yes if I had asked you last year or the year before?"

She shrugged. "I'll let you figure that out. The logs are in the garage. Grab a couple and I'll get the fireplace ready." She answered as she stood up.

I walked into the garage, turned the light on, and stepped down the two stairs to the floor. It was a big double garage and the walls on either side were covered with logs neatly stacked in rows one atop the other. I picked up a few and some kindling from a basket near the stairs and carried them into the living room. Jillian was busy crumpling up a newspaper and putting it under the steel basket inside the fireplace. I put the logs down on the hearth and she spread the kindling across the bottom of the basket.

"Should I get more wood?" She nodded, and I went back out a couple more times and brought in a dozen logs in. Jillian was still sitting on the fireplace hearth, and the fire was blazing. The flames lit up her face as she watched them dance.

I sat down on the couch and a moment later Jillian looked over and said, "Why don't you grab that comforter beside you and a few of those pillows sitting on the couch so we can lie down and watch this together."

I set everything up on the floor and we lay down beside each other and stared into the fire. I slid my hand down to find hers and held it. Jillian turned her body sideways and leaned into me and gave me a kiss before laying her head on my chest and putting a leg across mine. I started running my fingers through her hair, and we stayed there for a few minutes without moving a muscle.

How far is this going to go tonight? I thought, unsure of whether to initiate more than cuddling. I knew I wanted her more than anything I had ever wanted in my life. Did she feel the same? I soon found out as she lifted her head and began to kiss my neck slow and easy. Her hand slid down my side and she pulled my shirt out of my jeans and loosened my belt. I turned my head to find her lips and kissed her lips as I reached around to undo her bra and loosen her pants. Before long I could feel her flesh on mine and I was inside her. We two became one in that moment. It was everything I had imagined it would be and then some. My feelings for her grew fivefold in that moment and I knew I was in love for the first time in my life.

Chapter 15

The next afternoon, Clark and Judy invited Jillian and I to play some hockey on the outdoor rink. I went down into my basement and found my old hockey bag, which was inside a closet buried under old winter coats and snowsuits. A couple of my sticks were standing in the corner of the closet and I took them out as well. I opened it up and pulled my jersey out, turned it around to see my name bar stitched along the back of it. Memories came flooding back into my mind about when I played. I could skate like the wind but couldn't score if I was shooting at the side of a barn with an open door.

I played hard, and the best compliment I was ever given related to the game was when I was trying out for the school's Juvenile team that was mostly people in grade eleven and I was only in grade eight. The coach said I made the team because I was willing to go into the corners, take my licks, and fight for the puck against some of the bigger players. I held my own that year. I moved onto to other sports the next year and my bag was put away to collect dust in this closet. I slid my skates onto my stick, put on some gloves, then my gauntlets, and put a couple of pucks in my pocket. I left the house with the stick over my shoulder as I had done so many times as a kid when I would meet friends at the outdoor rinks to play shinny.

It was cold but a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon. Jillian and I made our way inside the chalet that stood next to the rink and sat down on a bench to put our skates on. More memories came flooding back to me about when my father took me here as a kid and taught me how to skate. I enjoyed spending time with him then. Life was simple, at least from my perspective. He was this huge, confident guy that made friends no matter where we went. I idolized him, but when I was that young, I hadn't found my own voice yet and we hadn't started locking horns. It's always hard when the person you want to be when you grow up isn't really the way you saw them all those years.

"First time I skated on an outdoor rink was here with my Dad," I said looking down while tying my skates.

"I learned to skate on the lake our cottage is on. We would shovel the snow off and use logs as goal posts and play shinny with friends." Jillian explained while lacing up her skates.

"You ever play for a team, Jillian?"

"No. I was a competitive dancer when I was younger, hip-hop, jazz. That kept me busy before I started playing volleyball." I laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"You talking about dancing made me think of my buddy Rob trying to dance with a girl he was trying to impress a few months ago. The guy can move around the ring like a ballerina but get him on a dance floor and he looks stiff as a board. His legs move front to back and his arms move as though he were rowing a boat. He gets a serious look on his face as though he were concentrating on solving a really difficult math equation."

"Is your dancing on the same level?"

"I would say I'm much worse. Unless it's a slow song, that I can do." I laughed. "Do you still like to dance?"

"I do. I used to go to all the school dances for no other reason than to dance all night. My girlfriends and I would be spending the whole night on the dance floor if the music was good."

My skates were good and tight, and I leaned over to grab my sticks and I handed one to Jillian.

"I figure we can pass the puck around; we have the rink all to ourselves."

We stepped onto the ice, the surface was in good shape, only a few holes to watch out for. I threw the pucks onto the ice and started stickhandling toward the net, trying not to look down at the puck. It worked about as well as it used to when I played. I could do it for a few strides and then, I would have to look down at the puck or lose it off the end of my stick. When you looked down while carrying the puck, you became a sitting duck for head hunters. They loved guys who skated with their heads down. They would find you and take you out with one hard hit you'd never see coming. I was at the end of a few of those in my time. Once, I ended up flat on my back unable to breathe, and that scared the hell out of me. Pain is one thing, but not being able to breathe is a feeling I never want to experience again. Unlike me, really good players know where that puck is at all times. It always finds their stick, as though it is magnetized, and the puck is a magnet.

I skated fast toward one end of the ice and took a wrist shot that went over the net and hit the boards behind. I pulled another puck out of my pocket dropping it on the ice and then skated around the back of the net and stickhandled toward the other end where Jillian was skating. I called out to her and passed her the puck and she carried it toward the net and put it in top-shelf. We skated up and down the ice passing the puck between us and taking shots. I picked up a little snow on the edge of my stick and flicked it onto Jillian's neck. She proceeded to find her own handful of snow and chased me around. She caught me by the back of my sweater and threw a handful down my back.

"Quit skating on your ankles, buddy!" I looked over to see Clark and Judy standing near the chalet.

"Hurry up and get laced up," I called. "I want to see if you still fall on your ass when you wind up to take a slap shot."

Clark and Judy stepped onto the ice, and we played some shinny. Judy held her own, she was a good skater and very coordinated. We mixed things up and I played with Judy against Jillian and Clark. We were evenly matched, and the game was played at a good pace. Clark and I spent a good deal of time riding each other into the boards and putting each other in headlocks. Jillian wasn't shy about trying to hold me back by grabbing my sweater when I managed to skate by her. We had lots of fun and stayed on the ice for a couple of hours. By now the sun was setting, and our feet were aching. We walked back inside the chalet to warm up and take our skates off.

I leaned over to Clark as I untied my skates. "The roads are in perfect shape for skitching. What do you say?"

"I'm in. The roads are covered with an inch of hard-packed snow. I bet we could go for miles if we can hitch onto a bus's bumper." I was wearing my Kodiak boots and they were perfect for skitching. The rubber soles would glide perfectly along the snow.

I looked over at Jillian. "What's the plan?"

"My parents left for the cottage this morning and won't be back until tomorrow. I was thinking we could go all go to my place and make a pizza and watch a movie."

"Great idea. Clark and I will meet you there."

"Neither of you has a car, it'll take you an hour to walk to my place!" Jillian said.

"We're not walking. Trust me, we'll be there around the same time you get there." I smiled and she gave me a look. We walked with the girls to their cars and loaded our equipment and sticks into the trunks. I kissed Jillian and gave her a wink. "We're going to grab a ride on the bus. It's been a long time since Clark, and I rode one together and we're feeling sentimental." I laughed.

Clark and I walked out of the parking lot and down the road to a bus stop and waited. Five minutes later the bus came and while it let some passengers out, we walked to the back of the bus and crouched down. We held on to the bumper and the bus pulled away from the stop. We were on our way, gliding at up to thirty-five miles an hour along the top of the snow. It was easy to hold on as long as you didn't hit any dry spots on the road. You can wipe out pretty good if that happens. There weren't many cars on the road which made things safer for us. We traveled a good couple of miles before the bus stopped to let more passengers off.

"The roads are in better shape than I thought. We are moving, buddy," I said to Clark.

"Uh-oh," he responded, looking to his left.

"What's the matter?

"Don't look now, but Jillian is in the next lane and Judy is right behind her."

I looked over and saw Jillian staring at me dumbfounded at my stupidity.

I smiled as the bus started moving. It may seem like I was crossing the stupid line once again, but I'd had considerable experience skitching, and it was a minor crossing. I laughed to myself. We made it to within a half-mile of her house and walked the rest of the way.

The moment we walked into the house, Jillian greeted us with, "You guys are insane. Do you know how dangerous that is?"

"It's not if you know what you're doing," I said with a grin.

She shook her head and smiled back. We walked into the kitchen to discuss what kind of pizzas we would make.

"I'm good with anything. Do you have any hot peppers?"

"We have anything and everything you can think of putting on as toppings." We loaded one up with everything including a ton of hot peppers on one side. We made another with pepperoni and double cheese and threw them in the oven. We sat around the island talking and sipping juice. The girls asked us if we had heard from Rob and I gave them a quick update.

"When is he planning on coming home?" Jillian asked.

"He'll come back after a month and then he'll have to decide what he's doing. I know he wants to finish up at trade school."

Clark piped in, "I don't think he'll last here. He's more in love with Alison than ever and he is crazy about his daughter."

"I can't imagine being in a situation like that," Judy said.

"I don't know if a situation like that can be worked out. I think someone's going to get burned down the line." Jillian said.

I wasn't sure how things would work out but I agreed with Clark. No way Rob would be able to come back here full time after spending the past few months with Alison and the baby. He was hooked.

Personally, I think it's best for them all to be together, I thought.

"Are you still thinking of going to trade school next year, Clark?" Jillian asked.

"I'm torn between that and taking over my grandparents' farm. I have learned so much over the last few years living out there. I don't think I want to come back to the suburbs."

"The property is beautiful and there's always something to do. I love spending time with Clark out there," Judy said.

Clark was grinning and I knew what he was thinking. Get married, have a bunch of kids and live a picture-perfect life on the farm. He had it in him to do it. We sat talking and eating for another hour before heading into the family room to watch a movie. The four of us had become close during the winter. Clark and Judy were easy to be around. They had laid-back personalities and never seemed to stress about much. Clark was in his element with Judy. His days of pining over Kendra were a distant memory. I was glad for my buddy. He deserved to be happy.

I was glad the winter was coming to an end. I was closer to Jillian than ever and our bond was a strong one. It made it all more difficult to try and understand why I spent so many lonely nights with her in my arms and I was hoping the longer days and change of season would give me a boost. I needed to be running on all cylinders if I had any hope of getting into university.

Chapter 16

March 1st rolled around, the day Jess was finally getting out of rehab, her eight-week program was finished as I made my way over to her house to visit her and found her sitting in the backyard on the end of a picnic bench. It had been a long, hard journey for Jess, and I had to go check in on her. The real world was definitely the last place you wanted to be after rehab.

"Hey. I came by to see if you were up to going out for a coffee or something." She turned toward me, reaching up and hugging me. I kissed her on the cheek. I sat down opposite her.

"I've had my fill. I was up early driving Kate to soccer practice." Jess was smiling bleakly. She wasn't wearing any makeup, but she had a nice colour filling her cheeks. She looked more alive than she had in years, but I could tell she was drained.

"We can go somewhere else if you want. Is it too early for a shake?" I joked.

"Are you here to check up on me?" She wasn't smiling anymore as we locked eyes.

"Somebody has to make sure you're walking a straight line," I said laughing. "Seriously, I just wanted to see you. It's been a while and I miss you. Why haven't you answered any of my texts?"

"I'm sorry Eddie, I'm having a tough time adjusting to this new life of sobriety. I had to drop all my old friends and forget about socializing in the places I use to go. I get bored to tears sometimes and I don't know what to do with myself." She looked down at her hands, picking her nails.

"You need to start hanging out with us like you use to. We'll keep you busy and out of trouble. You could start working out at the boxing club with Rob and I." I offered.

"You guys have your own lives; besides, you're always with Jillian."

"I'd make time for you whenever you want to do something, you know that."

"I need a distraction. Tell me how are things going with the two of you?" She forced a smile on her face as she asked.

"Really well. I think I love her, Jess."

"You really are the biggest sap I know." She laughed. "I'm just kidding. I think it's great you two are getting along so well. Is Jillian everything you imagined she would be?" She threw her hands in the air, mocking me.

"She really is my dream come true." I gave her a goofy grin. "I know you want to throw up, but seriously I can't believe how much this girl has moved me. I feel things I've never felt before. We have fun together no matter what we do. We can talk for hours and never get bored of listening to each other. I don't hold anything back when I talk to her, and I think she gets a kick out of me too."

"She knows how spun you are? How crazy you and the boys get sometimes, does she?"

We laughed.

"She thinks I'm deep."

"You are deep. Too deep sometimes."

Jess was right. She knew me inside out because I was open and honest with her. I never held anything back from Jess. I never put on airs or tried to impress her. I was never worried about her judging me and she always had my best interest at heart. Others saw the confident leader who marched to the beat of his own drum. She saw the insecure young man always trying to prove his worth to someone, including himself. She saw the violence, the anger, the compassion and the empathy that pulled me two ways, splitting me in half. I cared too much, and so I fought. The only thing I never shared with her was the war that raged inside my head. How do you share something you don't understand and can't explain? I didn't want to keep telling her how great everything was between me and Jillian knowing Jess was hurting. I wanted to make her feel good.

"I hope you know that you were the first person I was able to pour my sappy heart out to, Jess. Our friendship is so important to me."

She waited a minute before responding. "That means more to me than you know."

"I'm very proud of you and all the work you're putting in to getting well. If ever you're tempted, make sure to reach out to me. Can you promise me that?"

She nodded.

"Have you been able to keep Jimmy out of your life?"

"He tried getting in touch with me a few times. I blocked his number."

"I know letting go of the past is hard, Jess, but you're doing the right thing. Once people find out you're single, the boys will be banging down your door. C'mon, let me see you smile."

I leaned over the table and started tickling her sides. She tried fighting me off, but I persisted and she laughed hysterically.

When we were done, she said, "I think I'm ready to take you up on that shake now."

I was happy I came to see her. I could see now that it had made a difference. I was going to put more of an effort into seeing her than I had been lately. I have the tendency to fall off the face of the earth when I have a girlfriend. Part of my all-or-nothing side. It would be easy to do given how invested I was in my relationship with Jillian, but I knew I had to stay close to Jess at this time. She was vulnerable and Jimmy was a consummate con artist. She could block his number, but that wouldn't stop him from trying to see her. If he did, I'd make sure he was blocked the good old-fashioned way.

Chapter 17

After much anticipation and some serious training, it was time to head to the Kingston Boxing Club for fight night. Boxers from all over the province would be there and ten of us from our club were fighting, each in a different weight category.

There were two rings set up in the gymnasium and chairs placed around each one for spectators. Hundreds of people were walking around, music was playing, and it was a festive atmosphere. Rob, however, was all business and he wasn't talking much. He was focused and calm, having fought so many times before. Since this was only my second fight, I was nervous but excited at the same time.

The first thing we needed to do was get weighed in. We waited outside the locker room for about ten minutes before our team was called in. Each of us stripped down to our underwear and handed our boxing passports to the official standing close to the scale. One by one, we were called up and weighed. I came in at a hundred and fifty-six pounds and four ounces. Exactly where I needed to be for a junior middleweight. Rob came in at one hundred and sixty-five and was set for his middleweight bout. Only one of our fighters came in overweight, so he left to go do some skipping and try to sweat out the last few pounds. He was given half an hour to return and be weighed again. Rob and I put our sweatsuits back on and went outside to loosen up. We skipped rope for ten minutes to warm up before doing a good stretch.

"Remember, don't lead with your face," he instructed me. "You have a hard jab, use it to keep your opponent away from you. You'll need to move more than you did last fight. You can't charge forward in a straight line or you'll take too many shots."

We finished stretching, then stood up and started shadow boxing. Rob continued to give me advice and encouragement until I was as ready as I would ever be. The first fights were about to start, and people were starting to sit down. My coach informed me I was the fourth fight on the card and that I needed to follow him to the officials' table and get my gloves put on and taped. I handed them my passport and extended my arms out in front of me. They took a pair of gloves off the table and slid them over my hands before taping them up and signing the tape. This was to ensure a fighter couldn't break the seal and put something inside his gloves and re-tape them. The referee would check each fighter's gloves and look for the signature on the tape and ensure it had not been cut or tampered with.

Now, the nerves started to kick in, and the butterflies started. Coach put my headgear on and gave me last-minute instructions. I had watched the first two matchups from a distance, thinking about everything Rob had told me and picturing myself in the ring.

We sat waiting until the fourth fight was announced and made our way to the ring. My coach sat on the bottom rope and I bent down and got in and the referee told me to go to the far-right corner. My opponent stepped in shortly after and made his way to his opposite corner. He was tall and lanky and would have a reach advantage on me. I would have to get inside to hit him. The referee called us to the center of the ring and gave us our instructions. We tapped gloves and he sent us back to our respective corners to wait for the bell.

It came and both of us rushed to find each other and start swinging. I had to eat a few jabs to get close to him, but they didn't hurt. I went to his body first before tagging him with a left hook that got his attention. He started moving quicker now and throwing lots of jabs to try keep me away. I dropped my left as I threw a right and he landed a good one under my left eye and I felt it. Taking the first good punch calmed my nerves; your instincts kick in and you start to get more focused. The round ended in a draw.

As I walked back to my corner, I heard a few girls cheering me on. I took a quick look around and there was Jillian and a couple of her girlfriends sitting a few rows back. I never expected her to be here. We had talked a couple of times before about fights I had been in, but she was always clear she had no time for mindless violence. The athlete in her learned to appreciate the athleticism of boxing and the fact that she came to watch said a lot. I was happy she came but would have preferred having a few more bouts under my belt so I could look less awkward than I did now. I spent rounds two and three chasing my opponent around and trying to get inside. He kept scoring with that long-left jab. When I was able to get a few good hard rights in, they definitely stunned him, so he was keeping his distance.

I went back to my corner and my coach removed my headgear and gloves. A small mouse had grown under my left eye and a little blood trickled from my nose, but I felt good. I looked over at Jillian and smiled at her and she waved. The referee called us into the center of the ring and the judges awarded a split decision to my opponent. We shook hands and he leaned in to me and said my punches were harder than any he has taken in his first six bouts. I smiled and made my way out of the ring and over to talk to Jillian. I was drenched and she still gave me a hug and a big smile.

"I never expected to see you here," I said grinning ear to ear.

"I knew this fight was important to you, no matter how much it scares me to watch you voluntarily get hit." She giggled.

"I'm glad you came."

"I want you to meet some of the girls on my volleyball team." She waved her friends over and introduced me.

"You girls sticking around? Rob is fighting in half an hour."

"For sure."

"Great. Give me two minutes to take a quick shower and get dressed. I'll meet you back here."

I walked into the locker room and took a quick shower. I looked in the mirror and could see the welt under my eye. I felt good after exerting all my energy in the ring. I was OK with the loss because I had given my all. That's how I judged myself. It wasn't quite how the Hunter saw it though.

"Hey, champ, can I get an autograph?" Someone yelled, pulling me out of my thoughts that were about to get dark.

I looked behind me to see Clark standing there laughing.

"Good job, buddy," he said as he walked over and shook my hand. "You're getting better. Still slow as molasses, but what do I know."

"Come spar with me next week. I'll show you slow." We had a good laugh.

"Did Judy come with you?'

"Ya, she's sitting with Beth."

"Jillian is here with some of her friends."

"I thought she didn't like fighting."

"I guess I've been able to bring her over to the dark side!" I joked.

"You're still coming to Ryan's bash with us?"

"Of course."

"I'm going to get back to the girls I'll see you after Rob fights. You fought well, buddy." Clark walked out and I threw on a grey T-shirt and a pair of black jeans, slipped into my runners, and packed up my gear. I walked out and there was Trent with a big smile on his face.

"I saw your fight. You did great, Eddie."

"Thanks, buddy. You know Rob is fighting soon."

"I know. I'm excited to see him fight." I looked around and spotted Rob skipping rope with a couple of other fighters.

"Let's go wish him luck," I said. We made our way over and when Rob saw Trent he stopped and walked over to us.

"What's going on, Trent?" Robbed asked as he hugged Trent. "Last time I saw you was when your brother brought you for a workout." Trent had a big smile on his face. He looked up to Rob. "How's school, are you staying out of trouble?"

Trent nodded. "I have a girlfriend."

"I bet she's real pretty." Rob smirked.

"She is, ask Eddie."

"I hope I can meet her someday. You should come see me next week at the gym. We can do a workout together. A few more lessons and you'll be able to whoop your bro." He laughed.

"We'll let you finish warming up we just wanted to wish you luck," I said.

"It's going to be a clinic, buddy," he said laughing. He continued skipping.

"Follow me," I said to Trent. "I want you to meet someone." We started walking toward Jillian.

"I like Rob. He's a good guy."

I nodded. "He likes you, too. Always asks me how you're doing."

As we approached Jillian and her friends, Trent's eyes lit up.

"I thought it was time you met her."

She saw me and started walking toward us. She gave Trent a big smile and extended her hand and shook his. "I don't have to ask who you are. The two of you could pass for twins. I'm Jillian. I've heard so much about you, and it's great to finally meet you."

"Nice to meet you too Jillian, I'm Trent. Come on over and sit with us I'll introduce you to my friends."

We walked over and met everyone, then sat down and watched a couple of fights before Rob stepped into the ring for the final fight of the night. Most people in the crowd knew who he was and were fired up, expecting a good fight. Rob and his opponent didn't disappoint. They went hard, throwing with speed and accuracy. They were very evenly matched, and that made it fun to watch. When the dust settled, Rob came out on top.

Clark, Beth, and Judy walked over and we all sat around talking for twenty minutes waiting for Rob. Trent was sitting beside Jillian listening to her every word. I swear he was drooling. She paid a lot of attention to him and he was loving it. They talked about all kinds of stuff and Clark and I entertained the girls with our amusing anecdotes and stories. If they weren't entertained Clark and I certainly were. We were laughing up a storm and I was feeling somewhat relaxed. I was grateful for the moment and hoped it would last for the rest of the night.

Rob came out and we left and headed over to the party at Ryan's house. I didn't stay long. The place was jammed with people, most of whom were drunk. Clark was power-drinking and I knew they were going to go hard. I wasn't in that kind of mood. I wanted to chill and watch a movie with Jillian. Unfortunately, she had had to tutor a few people first thing tomorrow morning so that was a no-go.

I had a couple of beers and tried to get in the party mode. Once Clark and Rob started getting sloppy with their girls and the "I love you, man" started, I knew it was time for me to bolt. Jillian was about to leave anyway so we slipped out quietly and she drove me home. We made plans to meet tomorrow night. I thanked her for coming to watch the fight. It did mean a lot to me. Things were coming together nicely for us and I was going to work my ass off to make this the best relationship anyone ever had.

I walked into my room exhausted but energized. I felt good even though I lost the fight because I had proven to myself once again that I could step between the ropes and have a go. I walked over to my shelf where my trophies were kept and picked up an old silver cup with the words EAG Golden Gloves engraved on the front. It was my grandfather's and I had been given it when he passed away. It was a treasure to me and picking it up I could imagine how proud he must have been all those years ago when he won that championship. I missed him; he was easy to talk to and he would often get on my father about the way he talked to me. He preached the importance of character and how a person needed to put time and effort into building a strong one. He instilled in me the need to walk a straight line, even though it was harder because it was far more rewarding in the end. He told me to be true to yourself but kind to others. He said I would know right from wrong from the voice within me but that I wouldn't always listen. What mattered was owning the mistakes and making things right once you figured things out.

I put the trophy down on my bedside table, crawled into bed, and closed my eyes. A minute later, I heard my door open. My eyelids snapped up and I realized it was my father. He walked in and sat on the end of my bed and I wondered uncomfortably why he was in here.

He looked at the trophy. "Can I see that for a minute?"

I passed it to him and he stared at it for what seemed like an eternity to me because talks with my Dad were awkward at the best of times. If you're going to say something just spit it out and please don't ask me any questions, I thought to myself.

Finally, he spoke. "He was a good boxer, tough as nails. One of those guys you can hit over the head with a two-by-four and he'd smile. He was honest as the day was long and worked hard all his life and never ended up with much. You got along well with him when he was alive, didn't you, son?" I nodded.

"I liked him a lot." I sat up in bed, realizing this talk was going to be longer than I had anticipated.

"He did a good job as a grandfather, much better than he did as my old man. He watched all your games when you were young and tried to spend as much time as he could with you. He was proud of you, Eddie. You remind me of him in certain ways you know that."

Please don't get all emotional. I just want to go to sleep, I thought.

"I ever tell you about the time he walked me back into an alley to fight two guys that were picking on me when I was in middle school?"

I shook my head because I hadn't heard the story before.

"I used to take a shortcut home from school every day. It was down an alley between two buildings. One day, a couple of guys decided they weren't going to let anyone walk through without giving them some change. I told them to go to hell and they wanted to fight but I figured they were going to kick my ass because they were bigger and older than I was, so I ran home. They followed me, and as I ran inside and locked the door, they began calling me out from the curb saying I was a coward. I waited inside hoping they would leave when suddenly I heard your grandfather yell out to me asking what the hell was going on. I explained what had happened and he proceeded to walk over to the window and yell out, 'You boys go back to that alley and my son will meet you there in five minutes.'

"'I'm not going back,' I said to him.

"'The hell you're not,' he replied, and he dragged me kicking and screaming all the way back to the alley. He told the boys it was one on one and away I went."

My father paused for a minute and I could tell he was back in that alley. He shook his head. "I did all right, but I was confused and couldn't understand why my father had done that to me. On our walk back home, I asked him, and he said, 'Son, in this neighbourhood, if you fail to stand your ground, you'll get bullied every day. Those boys would have made your life miserable.'"

"Did you ever cut through that alley again?" I asked.

"Every day, on a free pass I earned from the respect I was given for standing my ground. That incident worked out all right, and I wonder to this day if my dad did the right thing. I know he did lots I didn't like or understand, and he and I went at it as much as you and I do. I know things are getting out of hand between you and I, son, and. . ."

He trailed off and abruptly stood up and walked toward the door. Then he stopped, turned to me, and said. "I just want you to know. I do the best I can, Eddie." He left, closing the door behind him.

I sat there, completely taken aback by what had just been said. I knew my dad had it rough. I just didn't think that was an excuse to treat other people like garbage, especially your own son. I believed he really was doing the best he could; it just wasn't enough sometimes. I spent the rest of the night caught somewhere between resentment and empathy toward my dad. What was another sleepless night to a guy who never slept anyway?

Chapter 18

It was finally game day. After my last class, I walked outside to meet Jillian on the front plaza.

"I should be done tutoring around six. If I hustle, I can get to the game before half-time."

"Rob said he'll save you a seat in the bleachers. Text him when you get here. He'll wave you over to where he's at."

"Are Beth and Judy coming to the game?"

"I think so. I know Clark is hoping Judy will show. He's fired up about the game and ready to do a little showing off." I laughed.

"Speak of the devil," Jillian said as Clark ran toward me and picked me up.

"Boom, he takes a loss. That's what we need to see you do when LCD tries that trick play, buddy." He put me down then said hello to Jillian.

More of my teammates walked out onto the plaza on their way to the field for a warmup. I kissed Jillian goodbye and Clark and I joined them. We did a few laps around the field before stretching, then headed back into the locker room to get dressed. We were silent, each of us having worked hard to get here and play in the final.

Once I put all my equipment on, I pulled my game jersey over my pads. I always got a good feeling putting that jersey on. I looked around to see that most of us were dressed. We sat waiting for a few minutes before the coaches walked in. Our head coach stood in front of us and reached inside his jacket pocket. He took out the article that had been written about us the last time we were crushed by this team. He read it aloud. We listened and started banging each other's shoulder pads with our fists. The coach looked up after reading the article. "It's up to you to make this reporter write a new story after this game. I want you to play the way you want this article to read."

That did it. We were screaming and head butting the lockers, ready to crash through a brick wall if asked to. The coaches walked out of our dressing room followed by the rest of the team. We walked single file onto the field to the cheers of a couple of thousand people. It was the biggest crowd to show up so far to one of our home games. It was a great feeling and we rode it throughout the game. It was an even match and both teams worked hard for every yard. By halftime, it was tied at seven a piece.

We were huddled up on the sideline and our coaches were giving us last minute instructions for the second half. I turned around to grab a cup of water from the cooler and saw Jillian waving to me. She was sitting with Rob, Beth, and Judy. I smiled and waved back at the group then tapped Clark on the shoulder. "Time to shine, brother, Judy is in the stands," I said as the whistle blew to start the second half.

LCD kicked off, which meant our defense would start. We ran onto the field and huddled up, waiting for their offense to line up. It was a quick count and their quarterback handed the ball off to the running back. I backed up to cover a wide receiver doing a post pattern. I could see the other fullback turning to run toward my side of the field. They were running a reverse. The same play they had run and burned so many teams for six points. This was the play I had practiced over and over with Clark. The play that had humiliated me weeks before in practice.

I stopped covering the receiver and headed full speed toward the fullback because he had taken the handoff from the other back. As soon as he crossed the line of scrimmage, I could see him heading for the sidelines. I figured out the angle I would need to run that would lead me straight into him. The next thing I knew, I was being helped to my feet by our defensive coach who was congratulating me on a great hit. I had done my job and they had only gained a couple of yards. He patted me on the helmet and sent me back onto the field. My ears were ringing. We ended up winning the game by three points after Clark returned a punt for a touchdown. I would take this game with me forever knowing it was my last. We shook hands with the LCD players then made our way into the dressing room. People were yelling and screaming and congratulating each other. Our coaches gave us a final pep talk and told us how proud they were. We made plans for a celebratory party the coach would host a week from now.

Clark and I showered and dressed, then met Rob and the girls outside. After a bunch of high fives, we decided to go and grab some pizza before heading home. It was a school night and none of us wanted to do anything major.

We went to a local restaurant and spent the next two hours eating pizza and talking. Clark and I, that is. We replayed every moment of the game to them including sound effects. They were good sports about it and let us have our moment. By ten o'clock we were ready to leave. I excused myself and went to the washroom.

A minute later Rob walked in. "Are you doing anything with Jillian once we leave here?"

"She's dropping me off at home. Why?"

"I need to talk to you and Clark about something." He looked flustered and that was very unlike Rob. I knew something was up.

"I have a case of beer in Beth's truck. I figure she can drop us off at that field and we crack a few. What do you say?"

I knew he needed to get something off his chest. I was ready for bed, but I wasn't going to let him down. "I'm in."

I told Jillian that Rob needed to talk and I wouldn't need a lift home. I walked her to her car, kissed her goodbye, and thanked her for coming to the game.

Beth dropped us off at the abandoned school, and we took the case of beer out of her trunk and made our way to the bleachers. We quickly polished off a couple each while grilling Clark about how things were going with Judy.

"Do you know I haven't thought of Kendra once since I started seeing Judy? It feels good and I think I've moved on," he said.

"Cheers to that," Rob said. We hoisted our beers and took a swig. Rob put the beer down for a second, before throwing it back as he chugged it. He started picking at the label on the beer bottle, eyes glued to the field.

"I need to tell you guys something I've kept to myself for over a year."

He paused and choked up a little. The tension was palpable.

"Rob, is everything OK? Did something happen with your parents?"

He shook his head, tearing at the label with a new urgency, and actual tears welling up in his eyes.

His voice cracked as he said. "You guys remember Alison, the girl from last year?"

We nodded. Again, dead silence for a minute. Finally, he looked up, and took a deep inhale.

"Alison just gave birth to a baby girl and I'm the father." He let the words hang in the air for a moment as Clark and I tried to process this information. I felt frozen, almost sure Rob was going to crack up any second, saying he was messing with us. But he wasn't kidding. I had never seen Rob like this, and it scared me. For someone who went through as much as he did daily, it was even more awful to see how unsettled he was.

"Meghan is her name, and she's beautiful." He took his phone out and showed us a few pictures Alison had sent him.

Clark and I were still struggling to get our thoughts in order. We looked at each other, trying to gauge which one of us was going to speak first.

"I—I don't know what to say, man. Did you know she was pregnant?" Clark asked.

He nodded and cracked open a new beer.

"Her getting pregnant was no accident. We planned it. She wanted a baby and asked me if I would be willing to get her pregnant and then let her go back home and raise the child on her own. She was very specific on that condition and told me I had to promise not to interfere. I figured, sure, what the hell, it would be a neat thing to do. I mean, I loved her and if that was what she wanted, I was OK with it. My dream has always been to get my certifications and head out west. I thought once I matured some and had a few bucks saved up and a good job lined up, Alison and I could raise the child together."

A tear rolled down his cheek and he lowered his head and covered his face. He started to cry.

Clark and I didn't know what to do. Here was the toughest guy we knew, completely collapsing in front of us. We patted him on the back while trying to figure out what advice to give him. I never knew that Rob would be willing to do something like that, but there was honestly no one else I could think of that would make as good a father as Rob. As of now, his life would be forever changed. I knew Rob; there was no way he would be able to watch his daughter grow up from afar.

"Why did she want you to get her pregnant and walk away? That seems strange as hell to me," I said.

"She wanted a child without the man. She's had nothing but bad luck with men and she loves children. Alison believes she can do as good a job at parenting as any couple could, and better than most. She even used my parents as an example, asking me what I thought of having two parents who behaved the way mine did. She did a real good job of convincing me I was doing a good thing. I rationalized it all because I was so crazy about her. I'm still madly in love with her. If she shuts me out of this child's life, I'm going to lose it!" he yelled, standing up and pacing back and forth.

"I think you need to go see her and tell her straight up how you feel." Clark said. I agreed.

"What if she tells me to get lost?" Rob argued.

"Cross that bridge when you get to it." I said, "You'll never forgive yourself if you don't go see the baby. Can you imagine how you'd feel watching her grow up in pictures on your phone?"

Clark piped in, "Does Beth know anything about this?"

"No. I never thought I'd have to explain it. I'll tell her once I know what I'm doing."

I looked at him straight in the eye and said. "You're going to see Alison and the baby. It's the only thing you can do."

"I don't know if I have enough money to get out there." He stood up and walked down the bleachers to the field and stood staring across.

Clark leaned into me and said. "What a mess this is. I don't think this is going to end well."

"Do you have any extra scratch you can do without for a while?"

"I can get some together. You want to get Rob a ticket out west?"

"I'm thinking it's the best thing we can do for him. I have a few hundred I can let go of," I said.

"I can do the same. Man, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes even if things work out. Do you know how much work goes into raising a child? He's not ready."

"I hear you. It doesn't mean anything now that the baby is here. He has to deal with it."

Rob started walking back up the bleachers and we shut our conversation down. We tried making him feel better by telling him how much the baby looked like him and how cute she was. We told him he'd make a great dad and that we'd help him out any way we could. We would even babysit for him one day. We all had a good laugh after that comment. It was getting close to midnight and I was ready to pack it in. Clark was staying at Rob's for the night, and they asked me if I wanted to. I passed on the offer. I knew they would stay up all night talking. The last few nights had been restless for me and I needed a decent night's sleep.

I walked home thinking about how much I was going to miss Rob. I looked around at all the trees just starting to get their leaves back, small buds covering most plants I walked by. Jillian and I spent lots of time walking through the forest near her house. We had our rituals, long walks and slow kisses, throwing the football around on Sunday afternoons. Sitting in front of a fire and talking for hours while sipping hot chocolate. She was the first person I was able to indulge in simple pleasures with and not be bored or looking for more.

I didn't want anything when I was with her except peace of mind. No one, not even Jillian, could keep the Hunter and his Demons away for long. He would creep into my most intimate moments with her. He wanted to make sure I knew he was never far away. Spending time with Jillian gave me a chance to slow down and build up my inner strength. I was more determined than ever to gain some ground in my fight against my inner demons.

After our conversation, Rob called Alison and they had a heart to heart. She agreed to let him stay with her and spend time with the baby. They would take it day by day and see how things worked out. He would take a semester off from trade school and get a job to help with expenses. We knew money was tight for Rob. He paid his own way at his parent's place. He bought his own food, clothes, and gas. He sent the bulk of his savings to Alison. She wanted to buy a stroller and a few other things for the baby. He used what was left to buy a bus ticket.

We wanted him to have a few bucks in his pocket when he arrived, and we managed to pool five hundred bucks together for him. We met him at the station and handed him an envelope with the cash in it. He teared up and didn't want to take it.

"You'd do the same for us and you know it." I said.

"I really appreciate this."

"You make sure to get a hold of us if you need anything." Clark said.

We were all sad but hopeful this was going to be a great experience for Rob. We helped him load his bags onto the bus and hugged him. "We're going to miss you, buddy. Make sure you get in touch with us once you're settled," I said. We watched the bus pull out of the station and started walking toward school.

"I hope things work out for him. I don't remember much about Alison, was she nice?" Clark asked.

"She seemed to be. I only met her a few times."

"I can't wrap my mind around why she wanted to have a baby and raise it alone."

"To each his own, I guess. I only hope she's open to him staying there in the future. Alison saying it's OK for a few months is one thing. Saying move in for good and let's play family is a whole other story."

"Do you want kids, Eddie?"

"I love kids but I'm a long way off wanting any. One day. How about you?"

"I'd like to have four, two of each. I'd want us all to hang out together and be close. My parents and I used to do lots together, but that stopped once my parent's relationship went south."

"Are they good with each other now?"

"I don't think they like each other. They're civil around me but I hear some of their phone conversations and they argue constantly."

"How are things with Judy?"

"Oh, buddy, I am having a ton of fun. She's comes to see me on the farm all the time. I wasn't expecting things to go this well. You still as crazy about Jillian?"

I smiled the stupid grin I put on every time someone asked me about us. "I'm in deep, buddy. I'm feeling stuff I've never felt before. It feels good."

Clark smiled and squeezed my shoulder. "Ride it, buddy. She's a great girl and I think the two of you are good for each other."

I was happy to hear that. I thought we were good for each other as well. We spent the rest of the walk planning a trip out west in the future. Clark's mom was waiting for him in the school parking lot.

"You sure you don't want a lift?" he asked.

"I'm good. I'll see you tomorrow."

I went straight to my room when I got home and turned on the radio. I picked my guitar off the stand and sat down. Music was one place I could lose myself and feel good if only for a few minutes at a time. I took lessons from a neighbour for a couple of years in grade school. I could play all kinds of songs and sing the lyrics. I started strumming along trying to figure out what chords the bands were using in their songs. I turned off the radio to try come up with a song on my own. I always had a melody playing in my head. I would sing it over and over while strumming different chords to see what fit. I hummed what I thought was a good tune. I wrote down a few chords then started strumming away while humming. I had a dozen melodies recorded on my phone with chords to go with each. I didn't have the patience to finish most of the songs and had twenty on the go. I didn't care. What mattered to me was that my mind stayed clear of noise when I was busy creating.

I kept playing and slowly some of my worries began to dissipate. Jillian was on my mind as I hummed my latest creation and I decided I would write this one for her. I spent the first twenty minutes thinking about what I wanted to say to her. I didn't want to sound corny nor did I want to come off like a marshmallow. I wanted her to know how I felt and what she meant to me. At last, I put pen to paper and started writing. I poured my heart and soul out in my notebook. I read it and reread it several times. I made corrections after each reading until I was satisfied; I had said all I needed to. I promised myself I would spend some time each day playing around with the chords until it sounded good. I was never going to play this song for Jillian because I would feel like a ham. I would play it alone in my room. I'd want her to feel good, though, so I promised myself I would write the lyrics inside a card and give it to her on a special occasion.

I was good and tired after the long day. I opened my window to smell the air and take a deep breath. It was dark, cold and windy outside. What I wouldn't give to be in front of a fire with Jillian right now, I thought. I crawled into bed and listened to a few Patsy Cline songs and drifted off to another place. Somewhere I wanted to be one day down the line.

Chapter 19

It had been a few weeks since Rob had left. I still went to the gym to box, but it felt different without him. We only talked on the phone now and then. I think the move had been hard on him. I made a mental note to call him soon to have a real catch-up, see how things were going with Alison.

Final exams were 2 months away, and Jillian was tutoring me any chance I could get.

My mother was walking in the door as I was leaving. "Where are you off to so early?"

"I was going to head to Jillian's so she could tutor me for a bit."

"Why don't the two of you come back here for lunch when you're done?"

I hesitated for a moment. I liked keeping my love life separate from my home life. My mom had asked me no less than ten times when I was going to bring her over. I think my mom's feelings were hurt because I spent all my time at Jillian's. I was more comfortable there.

"I'll make the triple club sandwiches you love so much."

I smiled. "Sounds great. We'll see you in a couple of hours."

I met Jillian at her house, waiting outside until she was finished tutoring a kid from grade seven.

"Good morning." I said as I kissed her.

"Hey Eddie," she replied.

She brought me inside where she tutored me for a little over an hour. When we were finished I asked if she wanted to come by for lunch. I told her it would mean a lot to my mother.

"I'm excited to meet your parents. I was beginning to wonder why you hadn't asked me over sooner."

I didn't really know how to approach the subject of me and my dad with Jillian. Everyone in her house was so close and open that it felt weird trying to explain how hard I worked to stay out of the house and away from my family. I didn't know how to explain that I loved them but also felt suffocated while I was home. Eventually, I had told her that my dad and I didn't really get along, but I didn't give much detail. The last thing I wanted from Jillian was pity.

"There's been lots of tension between my dad and I around the house. I didn't want to risk getting into with him in front of you."

"Things are getting better you said, right?"

I nodded.

I was nervous bringing her over for the first time, worried about how my old man was going to be with me, and whether a girl in the house would be enough for him to give me a bit of a break.

My mother greeted us as soon as we walked in and hugged Jillian. "I am so happy to meet you, Jillian. Eddie talks about you all the time." She winked and I turned red and gave her a look that tried to say "Are you kidding me!"

We walked into the kitchen and Mom started making the sandwiches.

"I understand you're helping tutor Eddie in math."

"I am and he's catching on."

"I'm glad to hear it. I wish he would take his schooling more seriously." She answered, shooting me a glare.

"Mom, really, not right now please." I rolled my eyes.

"I'm sorry, son, but it's true." She responded as she layered the sandwiches.

I looked over at Jillian and smiled.

"Why don't you grill Jillian and leave me out of this one?"

"I do want to hear all about Jillian once you two have eaten." She brought over the biggest triple-decker club sandwich I had ever seen and plunked it down in front of Jillian.

"Can I get you some juice to go with that?"

"That would be great."

"Don't be shy when you're here, Jillian. If you need anything let me know." Mom put my sandwich down in front of me and I was ready to go to town and wolf it down. Instead, I decided to slow down so as not to wear half of it while Jillian was here. We finished up and sat at the kitchen table talking for over an hour. I should say they talked. About anything and everything. They seemed to get along great and my mom was smiling from ear to ear. It made me feel good. I gave Jillian a quick tour of the house including the garage so I could show her where I hit the heavy bag. We walked into my room and she saw my guitar.

"Are you going to play that for me today?"

"I don't think so." I smiled. "I'm working on something and when it's ready, I promise I will." I was waiting to finish writing the song for her. Once I was happy with it, I was going to record it and show her. I was still too self-conscious to play in front of her. I don't know why.

She walked over to my end table and picked up a picture of us that I'd had framed. "I love this picture."

I think she was happy I had it beside my bed in a frame. I only had a handful of pictures to my name and I rarely had one printed. This one made me feel good and I liked to look at it before going to sleep.

"Look at all these books," she added. "Have you read all of them?"

"Most. You can take one if you want. My favorites are on the top shelf."

She began reading the back of some of the covers. I heard my father walk in the front door and a moment later he stood in my doorway with a big smile on his face. He introduced himself to Jillian and shook her hand. He was charming as hell with her and he asked her all the basics. As weird as it was to admit, I think I was admiring my dad. Kind of made me think about where I got my charm. It always shocked me when my dad and I had something in common but watching him in the doorway so confident was almost eerie.

"You're welcome here anytime, young lady. It was a pleasure meeting you." On his way out, he looked at me and gave me a smile and a wink.

If only we could be this civil all the time, I thought.

Jillian and I spent the next couple of hours talking in my room. I walked her home around supper time. She had a team dinner and was going out to a local restaurant. I kissed her goodbye and waited for her to walk in the house.

How many times did I walk by here hoping for a chance encounter with her? I thought. It was dark as I made my way back toward my house.

Chapter 20

Since the start of April, my nerves had gotten extra bad. It had really come out of nowhere. I racked my brain to find what caused the undoing and was always at a loss. I was on constant high alert, and that feeling wasn't new, it was just exponentially worse. I wasn't just on high alert, I felt as if the emergency was already happening. My sad thoughts powered through my brain at a new speed, and I had no idea how to slow it down. You know when a tea kettle is ready, and the steam blows out making it whistle? I felt like a tea kettle that was boiling, but the steam had no escape. So, it boiled and boiled—all this energy with nowhere to go.

Whenever I sat in class, it would be worse. My breath would totally cut off like someone was holding my head in a vise. They were squeezing tighter with every thought. It wasn't gradual, it was always a sudden hold on me. I would jump back in my seat startled and sweating. I wanted to slow it down but how? I told myself repeatedly that these thoughts weren't real. That my imagination was running wild and I needed to snap out of it. It was pointless—the thoughts would spin in my head, around and around, faster and faster until I felt dizzy and queasy, having to bolt to the bathroom. I'd splash cold water on my face, and then just have to wait.

It made me terrified of going to class so I avoided going. I was skipping as many classes as I could, but I had to keep going to math class. This was the one I needed most if I had any chance of getting into my program at university. I walked into class and sat beside Jillian.

"Where have you been? I haven't seen you at school and you haven't answered any of my calls or texts."

"I've been sick. I'm sleeping twenty hours a day. My phone died and I forgot to charge it. It's sitting at home. I'm really sorry."

"You should have had Trent call me. I would have come to see you."

"The virus I had was contagious and I didn't want to risk you getting sick."

I hated lying to Jillian but what was I going to tell her? That my brain didn't feel right, and I was close to losing it? That soon enough, I would end up in a straitjacket in a hospital because someone finally realized how screwed up I was?

"I'm all good now. We can do something tomorrow night if you want," I said.

She smiled and the teacher started writing out an equation on the blackboard. Within ten minutes I felt a rush of energy run through me and my heart started beating faster. I felt like someone had jumped out of the shadows and scared the hell out me. I was tensing up and breathing shallowly. It was as though my thoughts were trying desperately to get me to pay attention to them. I couldn't think straight and was unable to calm myself down. I was fidgeting in my seat, looking around the classroom trying to distract myself from thoughts of losing my mind.

What happens when you lose your mind? Does it go blank, do you forget who you are, can you ever get a grip? I started imagining myself standing up and talking gibberish before running out the door, screaming. I kept thinking everyone in class was looking at me. Could they tell I was on the verge of making a fool of myself?

I have to get out of here now, but what do I say to Jillian, what do I tell the teacher? I wondered.

I decided I'd better get out of there before it was too late. I stood up, left my books on the desk, and started walking toward the door. The teacher glared at me and told me to sit back down, but I ignored him and hustled out of there and down the hall. I went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face and waited for the feeling of panic to subside, but it persisted. I had to get out of here before class ended and Jillian came looking for me. I walked outside and started to run hoping to leave the panic and anxiety far behind.

The next day Jillian asked to meet up like we had discussed. I think she was worried about me. Hell, I was worried about me.

"Eddie, you've been distant lately, is there something wrong?"

I shook my head.

"No."

I'd never given one-word answers to Jillian until recently. Now, I never felt like expanding on anything I or she said anymore. I was going through the motions with her. I knew there was lots wrong with me, but what exactly? And why was this happening to me? I felt as though my wheels were starting to come off the rails. I was amped up all the time, worried about everything and unable to focus. I was absorbing very little information in my classes and my grades were plummeting as a result. I was angry and disappointed with myself for not living up to my potential. I had always struggled with these issues. The difference now was the level of intensity of these episodes and their duration. The periods of sadness lasted longer and were more intense.

Lately, I would wake up in a state of hypervigilance as usual but now the panic wouldn't go away; I was in that state day and night. It was becoming harder and harder to smile and pretend all was well. Jillian knew me inside and out by now. She knew something was off with me and she was right. I didn't want to shut her out. Hurting her was the last thing I wanted to do.

I think I may have to disappear until I can get a grip. Go where, do what? I thought.

"Have your feelings for me changed, Eddie?" She looked down as she struggled to hold back tears. It broke my heart seeing her that way.

I was floored. How had I let it get to a point where Jillian thought I didn't love her anymore?

"I love you, Jillian, this has nothing to do with you. I don't deal well with stress and I'm worried about getting into university. I'm not pulling off the marks I need. My parents are all over me and I'm just trying to figure stuff out."

"I'll help you. We can study together."

"I appreciate it, Jillian. I've taken enough of your time. You have enough on your plate without having to babysit me."

"I want to help you. Let's go to the library after school tomorrow and we'll get you organized."

"All right. Have you heard back from any of the schools you applied to?"

"I should hear something next week. I'm nervous."

"You're a shoe in and they'll be lucky to have someone like you going to their school." She squeezed my hand.

"I'm going to miss you. I know the distance thing doesn't work for most people. I want it to work for us. I have money saved up to be able to come see you wherever you end up going."

The thought of her leaving made me sad and I tried to keep it out of my head. It might be a blessing in disguise. I wouldn't put her through any of this while I tried to sort my own mess out. Blessing or not, it was going to be rough and I didn't want to think about until the day arrived.

"Do you think we can make it work?"

"I know we can." She smiled and leaned over and kissed me.

We stopped in front of her house and she asked me in. I said I had to be home for a family dinner. That was a lie. I was feeling lonely as hell, yet I wanted to be alone. That's how messed up my thinking had become. I kissed her goodbye and walked home thinking about what I didn't want to think about; Jillian going away to school. My heart was hurting now. I could only imagine what it would feel like when the day came.

Chapter 21

Later that week, I was training at the gym when I heard someone yell, "Eddie." One of the heavyweights from our team was waving me over to the ring where he had finished sparring. I walked over.

"What's up, Ryan?"

"I want to give you a heads up because I know you're close to Jess. I work with Jimmy, you know, and he's been dealing drugs—doing runs with carloads of opiates between provinces. Jess was in the bar last night and I heard him talking to her about it. I think he's trying to convince her to do the run for him. I have to be honest with you Eddie, she doesn't look good."

"I told her this guy doesn't give a crap about her," I said. "What kind of a guy gets their girlfriend involved in something like this? Jimmy needs a tune-up and I'd love to give him one."

"Listen, I don't want to get you riled up, man. I like Jess so I'm telling you this. I've known a few people from the bar who have done this kind of thing and got away with it a few times. Eventually they all get burned."

"Do you know when he's looking at doing this?"

"I don't. I'm working all weekend and I'll see what I can find out. I don't want to get involved, so don't be telling Jess you heard this from me."

"Thanks for the heads-up, man. Call me at the end of the weekend to let me know if you found anything out."

"I will. Listen, Eddie, talk to Jess but stay away from Jimmy. He's trouble."

"I'm not afraid of Jimmy. He's a clown."

"He's not right in the head and he's connected to some lunatics. Talk some sense into Jess. Tell her to stay clear of him."

"I hear you. Thanks again, Ryan."

I walked out of the gym and into the locker room to get showered. She can't be that desperate, can she? I thought. I wasn't going to let this slide. Any calmness the workout gave me was gone, and I was back to feeling like I was on the edge of a panic attack. How could Jess be so stupid? How had I not known that she had been seeing Jimmy again? I was grinding my teeth as I thought about it, angry at her, angry at Jimmy and angry at myself. I was going to make this right.

The first thing I was going to do when I got home to do was call Jess. Rob had just gotten home and was going to be here for a month while he sorted his big move out to British Columbia, so I figured I'd call him too and maybe we could go see her together.

I spent the next two days calling Jess, and she never answered. I knew she was avoiding my calls. I talked to her mom and she told me Jess hadn't been home for a few days. She had told her mom she was staying over with a girlfriend of hers, but I didn't think that was true. I told Rob about my conversation with Ryan and he insisted on coming with me to see Jess. He picked me up and we drove to an apartment complex in a seedy part of town. A few of Jess's party friends lived here and when she was using this is where she hung out. We were both on edge.

"I have a bad feeling she's using again," I said.

"According to Ryan, she's been seeing Jimmy for a few weeks. There's no way she stayed sober while hanging around that scumbag." I was getting all worked up, picturing what I was going to do to Jimmy for trying to get Jess involved in his trade. My palms were sweating, my head was pulsing, and it was only a matter of time before I blew up.

"We need to stay cool until we find out what's going on," Rob said. "Don't go losing your mind on her or she'll clam up and we'll never find out what's going on."

We pulled into the parking lot and walked into the apartment building. I looked at the tenant board and saw a name I was familiar with and pointed it out to Rob. Someone came out and we were able to slip in without using the buzzer. We walked down the hall and stood in front of apartment six. We listened for a minute and could hear music playing and people laughing. Rob knocked.

"Who is it?"

"We want to see Jess."

"She's not here."

"Open the door, Leena, or I'll show up at the club tonight and make a scene."

The door opened and a pale-looking, skinny blonde opened the door.

"She doesn't want to talk to you guys."

"Tough luck," I said as we walked past her and saw Jess sitting on the couch.

She had a black eye and looked like crap. She was eerily skinny with her collar bones poking out. She was obviously shaken when she saw us as she tried to pull a hoodie over her head in an attempt to hide what had happened to her. I walked over to her and saw bruises on her arms. I was seeing red by now and my adrenaline was flowing. I tried to breathe and get out a sentence, nails digging into my palms as I balled my hands into fists. I didn't want Jess to see how angry I was but at this point, I wasn't hiding it very well.

"Is he here?" I asked.

I guess I had kind of a crazed look on my face that scared Jess. "You need to go, Eddie," she said as tears welled up in her eyes.

Rob walked around the apartment to see if anyone else was around. "Is Jimmy coming back here, Leena?" he demanded.

"No. We haven't seen him for a few days."

"Where is he?" I yelled.

Leena was shaking. "He's shooting pool. Please don't tell him you were here. He's crazy."

Rob walked over to her and held her arm. "We won't say anything. You need to get away from this clown before something bad happens."

I knelt in front of Jess, who was crying now and mumbling something under her breath. "We need to leave Jess. Your mom is worried about you. We're going to get everything worked out, I promise."

We gathered her stuff and took Jess with us. She could barely walk on her own, she had her arm wrapped around my shoulders, dragging her feet behind her. She couldn't have been more than a hundred pounds. We drove to Jess's and I was relieved to find nobody was there. The three of us walked in and sat down at her kitchen table. Jess had woken up a bit and she made some coffee. She poured us each a cup. After a few sips, I came straight out and told her what Ryan had said to me.

"Did Ryan get it right? Are you about to haul a load for Jimmy?"

She nodded.

"I had a weak moment, Eddie. I answered a call from Jimmy and we went out. I hung out with him a few times and one thing led to another and before I could get a grip, I was using. I was hurting for money and he told me about this opportunity. They'd pack my car with the drugs, and I'd drive it across a few provincial borders and drop it off at some location. I'd take a bus back and make a quick three grand."

"This is scary stuff, Jess. This is way past the stupid line. Jimmy doesn't care about you at all. He's using you and you're letting him. This isn't just getting a little too messed up on a night out Jess, we're talking prison. Federal prison, Jess!"

"I know, Eddie, I know. I did it a couple of times before rehab, but I couldn't go through with it this last time. He wanted me to cross three provinces over. He lost it and went to town on me." She looked at both of us, showing us her arms. "I don't want you guys going after him. If anything happened to either of you, I'd never forgive myself. Promise me you'll let it go."

Neither of us said a word. We looked at each other and knew it was game on. No way were we going to let this go.

I looked at Jess.

"Are you back using the same as before you went to rehab?"

"Not even close."

"Jess, you look terrible. Are you willing to go back to rehab?"

"I don't think I need to. I swear. It was just a slip and I know I can beat this. Just give me a couple of weeks."

Rob turned to her.

"Why don't you talk to your parents and let them decide, Jess? We'll back you up any way we can and come see you while you're there."

She promised to think about it and agreed to stay clear of Jimmy and company while she was thinking. She was nodding off and needed sleep. We gave her a hug and she thanked us.

"You won't go near, Jimmy, right?" she repeated anxiously.

Rob and I walked out. "I need to hit the gym and blow off some steam. You in?" Rob said.

We finished training, and Rob asked me if I wanted to shoot some pool. I needed a distraction from everything going on with Jess, and I had a few hours to kill before meeting up with Jillian. We played a few games and were about to leave when Jimmy and his cronies walked in. I tensed up and felt the butterflies start. My adrenaline started flowing and the switch went off. Rob could tell by the look on my face what I was about to do.

"Not here, there's too many people," Rob warned me.

I wasn't listening at this point. I could only see red, a tunnel vision with Jimmy as my focal point. I made a beeline toward him and cross-checked him in front of his friends. He stumbled forward and a couple of his friends tried to grab me.

"Leave it alone, boys. Let them have it out," Rob said as he stepped between me and the two guys trying to jump on me. They weren't stupid enough to throw a punch at Rob and they stopped.

Jimmy was pissed. He rushed me and tried to knee me in the groin. I moved to the side and used his momentum to my advantage and sent him flying into the wall. I threw a left hook that caught him, and he grabbed me and started to wrestle. I was much stronger than him and I was able to put him in a headlock and knee him in the face a couple of times. Then I backed off and hit him with a combination that dropped him. He tried to scurry out the front door. I caught him just outside the door and continued my assault. All my pent-up frustration and anger spilled out onto him, and I punched him in the face until he dropped to the ground. The barmaid was yelling that she had called the cops and they were on their way.

Jimmy turtled up and tried to cover his face. I persisted with my attack, hitting him in the ribs and stomach. People were starting to gather. I could hear sirens getting closer.

"He's had enough, let's roll," Rob said as he tried pulling me off Jimmy. I gave Jimmy a few more shots then we ran down the alley beside the pool hall and hid behind a dumpster. Rob peeked out to see the cops pulling into the parking lot.

Revenge is sweet, I thought. Jimmy would think twice before trying to bring Jess into his world again. I looked down to see my pants covered in blood. My hands were swollen from punching his head repeatedly. My stomach dropped; I had lost control this time. For the first time in my life I scared myself with thoughts of what might have happened. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with guilt about hitting him so many times. He deserved every shot for what he did, I thought. I tried to justify what I had done as my mind raced. Did he deserve a beating this bad? Is it his turn to get back at me now? Where does it go from here? Will the next step be to beat someone to death?

Any vengeance I had gotten from that attack was replaced by a gut-wrenching anxiety that I was involved in something bigger than me. I felt like throwing up. I was drowning in a sea of guilt. I looked out and saw an ambulance pull in. Moments later, Jimmy was moved onto a stretcher. I prayed he had regained consciousness. I never intended to cause permanent damage. I saw a cop walk over to him and Jimmy sat up. I was relieved if only for a second.

We stayed behind the dumpster until the crowd had dispersed and the cops had left. I stood staring into oblivion absorbed in my guilty thoughts trying to figure out what to do next.

"You all right, buddy? You look stunned," Rob said.

"I was out of control, Rob. I've lost it many times, but this was different. I was so mad I wanted to kill him. If you hadn't stopped me, I probably would have." I was overwhelmed with thoughts of doom.

"Don't beat yourself up. He's going to be fine and he won't be bothering Jess anymore. I do think we need to keep it in the ring from here on in. This is going to get uglier and uglier. I don't have the stomach for it anymore." Rob said.

I was pacing back and forth swearing under my breath.

"I have to get out of here quick. I'm going crazy. Do you think the cops are looking for us?"

He shook his head.

"Jimmy would never press charges, and the cops have more important stuff to deal with. We're good, buddy. Let's go have a few beers and chill out. It's been a long day."

I paced back and forth a couple more times, hands in my hair, heart racing. Rob let me cool off alone, and I could feel myself coming down, if only slightly. We walked out from behind the dumpster and made our way out to the parking lot to Rob's car. He got in and started it as I stood on the passenger side.

"It's open," he yelled. Sorrow and angst were overwhelming me. I was as sad now as I'd been angry before. I was being lowered down into the well of sadness at warp speed. How far down I'd go tonight I didn't know. I was scared.

How long is the rope that lowers the bucket? It seems to be getting longer as time goes by. What if I can't handle the state of mind that comes at greater depths? I thought. I don't want to think anymore. Rob unrolled the window beside me.

"What are doing, buddy? Get in and let's get out of here."

I knew if I went back to Rob's place, we'd talk about what happened and start exchanging fight stories. I wanted nothing to do with revisiting this or any other incident related to fighting. I wanted to bury this in the back of my mind. I couldn't take another bout at this time and I needed more than beer. I took off running toward the alley. I heard Rob yell after me, but I couldn't explain this to him.

When I reached home, I quickly made my way to the liquor cabinet and took a bottle of vodka. I threw it into one of my workout bags and left. I walked along the side streets, taking swigs of straight vodka, trying desperately to silence the noise. The loneliness and sadness were deafening. The world had become a place of suffering, no good to be found anywhere. The Hunter was incessant in my mind and I picked up my pace and headed to the train station. Perhaps watching the trains would soothe me and help take me away to another place, I thought. I picked up my pace. It was dark by the time I sat on my bench. I took a big gulp and cringed as the vodka ran down my throat. As I waited for the alcohol to kick in and temporarily quiet my mind, the Hunter began to whisper in my ear.

Trying to crawl into that bottle and hide from all you've done? Not going to happen Eddie. Sure, you might dull the feelings and quiet me for the night, but I'll be back with a vengeance come morning. I'll be sure to remind you that you have a dark side and it's black as tar. It lets you hurt yourself and others, all the while justifying your behaviour. Now that's a dark side to be envied.

He laughed. I continued to drink as the first freight roared past me. Seventy-five cars loaded with lumber, steel, and other building materials headed east. I stayed another two hours and finished the bottle, then wandered around aimlessly trying to kill time. I wanted to make sure everyone was in bed when I got home.

When I did finally go back, I didn't want to risk walking in the front door and waking someone up. I walked around to the backyard and onto the porch. I stood on the railing and lifted myself up onto the roof, using the gutter as leverage to pull myself up. I quietly walked over the top of the garage to the front of the house where my bedroom was. I slid the window open and climbed in. I stood still for a minute — not a sound. I stripped down and put my phone on my end table. As I did, I noticed three missed calls and two messages scrawled across my screen.

"Crap! Jillian! I was supposed to meet her at eight o'clock at her place," I muttered out loud. I crawled into bed. I was drained. I wasn't drunk but the vodka had done its job of slowing the chatter. I felt terrible about standing Jillian up and wanted to call her. That would be a mistake. I won't explain myself properly to her, I thought. I closed my eyes and waited a few minutes, hoping sleep would come. I kept thinking about what I would tell Jillian tomorrow. How did you tell a gentle soul like her that you beat someone senseless? She'd understand when I told her why. Or would she?

This was going to play over and over like a broken record. I was going to lose another night's sleep and I could not afford that. I sat up and plugged a headset into my phone and began listening to some music. I closed my eyes and sleep came a million thoughts later.
Chapter 22

At school on Monday, I tried to keep to myself. The weekend had passed in a blur of sadness, guilt, angst and utter loneliness. I told Jillian I wasn't feeling well. I didn't want to have a conversation with her about what happened at the weekend. I knew she found out because she texted me on Sunday to see if I was all right. I never answered her. I felt like an ass. What could I tell her that would make her understand, that I beat someone's brains in to teach them a lesson? I needed to calm down and get myself together. I needed to be alone to do that. I walked out of school ten minutes before the last bell rang hoping to avoid anyone I knew. I planned on locking myself up in my room for a few days while the dust settled. I wasn't ten feet out the door when I heard Jillian call out to me. I turned around and waited for her to walk over. She leaned in to kiss me. I was cold.

"I heard about what happened. Why haven't you talked to me about it?"

I shrugged. I felt defeated. I had no good answer for her.

"I don't want to see you get hurt, Eddie. I'm not mad at you. I know how you feel about Jess and I know you're trying to protect her. I'm worried about you. This incident can escalate. I think you need to talk to the police." Her face was one of worry and sadness.

"Not a chance. I'm going to lay low until the dust settles and this will be over and done with. If Jess ever has anything to do with this yahoo, I will end our friendship. I've made that clear to her."

"I'm glad to hear that. I don't understand why you didn't tell me what was going on? We share everything."

"I don't want you involved in my mess. I need to be alone. I can't be around anyone right now Jillian. I'm sorry." I continued walking, needing to put my nerves to work.

"I'm not just anyone. Shutting me out like this hurts and I don't like it." She argued following me intently.

"You deserve better," I said. She stopped following me.

"What is that supposed to mean?!" she called after me.

I didn't answer. Even I didn't really know what I meant but I knew I hurt her. I felt terrible. In my mind, it was better for her to stay clear of me for now. I was scared senseless about what was swirling around my head. I was jacked up and on edge. I knew this was far from over and I had to figure out my next move.

I stayed alone for the next five days. Each day I awoke in a state of hypervigilance that was one level more intense than the day before. I would leave the house, walk to the fields and hang out until I knew the house was empty and go back. I wasn't up for anything. I was wasting my life, sitting here staring at the ceiling asking myself questions I couldn't answer and worrying about things I had no control over. I was starting to get all riled up inside and I could feel that energy start flowing through me. I was fidgeting and pacing back and forth getting myself all worked up thinking about every dumb ass thing I ever did or was done to me. I kept replaying the fight with Jimmy over and over in my head. I wanted to scream, I wanted it to stop. I walked over to my desk and grabbed a journal and pencil out of the drawer and wrote down the following.

When I get like this, it feels like the suffering is going to last forever. I don't deserve any happiness. Anything good that comes to me makes me feel guilty because I know I don't deserve it. My biggest fear is that there will never be a moment where I don't feel overwhelmingly lonely. Even if I died, I would float infinitely, sad and alone for the rest of time. Even sleep can't help me anymore. Whenever I finally do sleep, my nightmares are all my worst thoughts put into one big performance I can't wake up from. My dreams tell me what I have to look forward to when I die, just me floating through eternal darkness, aware of everything around me, knowing I won't see anyone I love ever again. I feel sick. I feel physically ill from the sadness, how I could float through the universe as a thinking brain, a conscious mind with no body able to think only about pain and heartache. Every morning I pray that I will wake up feeling better, yet there always seems to another demon ready to torment me.

I put the pencil down and sat back in the chair and closed my eyes hoping the exercise of journaling would soothe me some.

You think it's just going to go away Eddie? You think writing your thoughts down on paper is going to clear up that fog in your head? The Hunter laughed. Not a chance my friend. The fog is getting thicker and you're falling deeper inside that black hole. You're swimming in a well of sadness and it's a deep well, Eddie, it goes on for miles. You think you're sad now you just wait. In no time I'm going to bring you further down that well until the sadness consumes you and you become an empty worthless shell of a person incapable of thinking straight. I'm going to hit you hard when that happens Eddie. Knock the last of your hopes and dreams right out of you and leave you flat on your back.

I stood up breathing heavy and heart beating fast. I was screaming inside my head and I wasn't in control of any of my thoughts. I turned to face the wall and punched a hole in the drywall. I heard someone walking up the stairs and then my mother opened my door.

"What is wrong with you, Eddie? Do you know what your father will do if he sees this?"

"I'm sorry. I lost my temper trying to figure out some math equations. I'll cover it up with a poster."

"You need to get out of this room. You've been cooped up for days. Is everything alright, or is there something you want to talk about?"

I'd like to talk to you about a whole bunch of stuff, I thought to myself. But I don't know what's going on or why it's going on. It's just that something isn't right and I'm in trouble.

"I'm good, Mom. Just tired and I should have worked out." I sighed sitting down on my bed.

"Supper will be ready in ten minutes," she said before walking out and closing my door.

I went into my closet and found an old poster and tacked it up over the hole. Eight out of ten posters were on the wall to cover holes I had made punching the wall. Every time I did it, I felt guilty and stupid for losing my temper. I looked down at my hand and hoped I hadn't done any damage, or I wouldn't be able to fight a few weeks from now. My knuckles were red, and some skin had come off, and there was no real damage. My mother yelled up for me to come down for dinner. I stuffed my journal back in the drawer and hoped the next entry would be something better.

I stayed alone for another few days trying to figure out why I was falling apart. I was barely sleeping and when I did it was restless and sporadic. My tormenting thoughts prevented rest. I was consumed by my asking myself questions I could never answer and plaguing myself with problems I could not solve. These horrible, dark thoughts won every battle waged against logic, common sense, and rational thought. I realized I would never be able to outrun my fears because they were inside me. They would pursue me wherever I was. I prayed, I ran, and I tried talking some sense into my brain in the hopes that these feelings would subside. If I could keep them at bay even for short periods of time, maybe I could regain some of my lost strength. How though, how could I keep them at bay?

My anxiety was peaking, and I felt at any minute I was going to lose what was left of my mind and start walking around talking to myself. There was nothing in life that I controlled any longer. I was a prisoner to my fear of losing my mind or having my head explode. My hair twisting and foot-tapping were constant. I couldn't sit still. I had to move around at all times. If I was made to sit for more than five minutes, I felt trapped and claustrophobic. I was terrified that I was headed for the grave or the insane asylum. I couldn't see how I was going to make it out of this state of mind. I was pacing in the living room when I heard the doorbell ring. It startled me and I looked out the bay window to see Jillian standing on the porch.

She's here to confront me about blowing her off the other night and not showing up at her place, I thought. My anxiety skyrocketed when I saw her staring at me from the front porch. I never would have answered that door if she hadn't seen me. Not because I didn't love her and miss her. I didn't want to see her because I was coming apart at the seams and I had no idea how to explain myself in any way that would make sense to her or anyone else. Get through this, tell her you're sorry, tell her you had to go away for a few days.

I put a phony smile on my face and asked her to come in. We went into my room and she sat on my bed and I stood pacing back and forth, twisting my hair without being conscious of it. She wasn't smiling and I could tell she was pissed with me for a good reason.

"I've been trying to get in touch with you since you ditched me at school and I was getting worried. Is everything OK with you Eddie?" Her arms were folded and she looked dishevelled, which was unusual for her.

"I screwed up and I'm sorry, I was dealing with a mess here and I didn't want to—" I stopped talking, trying figure out what to say.

"We talk about everything, Eddie. Why can't you talk to me about what's going on? I know we're going through a rough patch, but I want to help you. I want to try make things right between us."

It hurt me to hear her say that we were going through a rough patch. There was nothing wrong on her end. She was an angel. Even when I had blown her off this much, she still wouldn't lay blame on me. I didn't deserve her.

"I want that too Jillian, I just need to get a few things worked out and things will go back to normal I promise."

"Tell me what you have to work out. Don't shut me out."

I was getting really wound up inside and I felt that I might blurt something out that made no sense. I felt like I had to yell or scream to let out whatever was building up inside me. Jillian repeated the question and I was too busy trying to convince myself that my head was going to explode.

If I could just throw a wrench into the gears shifting inside my brain and stop them from accelerating maybe this stuff would stop, I thought to myself as I paced.

"Eddie," she said in a loud voice that startled me.

"Sorry, listen just let me deal with what I have to and then we can talk about it."

I don't know what was going faster at this point, my mind or my heart. All I know is I thought I was losing my mind and all I wanted to do was run out of the room.

"I don't want that kind of relationship, Eddie. I want us to talk as openly as we did. No judgement, no BS. It was one of the best things about our relationship we could talk about anything. We've shared so much with each other. I'm hurt you can't share what you're going through now. Does that make sense to you?"

I can't make sense of anything and I wish you would leave before I flip my lid, I thought.

"Stop pacing and talk to me," she said before standing up and walking toward me. She held my arms and looked straight into my eyes.

"Talk to me and I can help you."

"You can't help me with this problem, Jillian. Something is very wrong with me but I don't know what it is. I can't shut down. I can't close my eyes without risking being visited by a demon who torments and taunts me. He is trying to break me and no matter where I go or what I do he finds me. If he's not trash-talking me, he runs a movie projector that plays only horror films that leave me feeling empty, sad and hollow. I know you're probably thinking it has something to do with the way I live my life. Or that I've brought this onto myself with all the stuff I've been getting into lately, and I wouldn't blame you if you did.

"But let me tell you something, Jillian, the Hunter and his compilation of horror films have been with me for as long as I can remember. Long before I knew how to get myself in trouble or behave like an animal. I may have made things worse over the years, but I didn't create the beast inside my head running my software. He was woven in as part of the fabric when I came to be. Crazy stuff, huh, Jillian? You think you can help me out with this, make everything right? Can you help me find the one thing I need more than anything else?"

By the end, I was yelling, yelling and twisting my hair, pacing. I couldn't imagine what she must have thought of the whole spectacle. She looked at me with tears welling up in her eyes, silent.

"Peace. It's all I want. I want to be at peace with myself, with my father, with the world. Even if it's only for a few minutes a day then maybe I can fight back. Can you help me, can you give me the answers I've been looking and praying for my whole life? Do you know that of all the fistfights, black eyes, and bloody noses, of all the abuse I endured being bullied by my father over the years, the only thing that ever scared me, the only thing that ever really hurt me, was my dark and screwed up mind. How's that for deep, Jillian?"

A tear ran down her cheek as she stood there. She seemed unsure of what to say or how to react. I couldn't believe I had said all that out loud for the first time in my life. Now I realized the only way for me to stop hurting anyone was to be alone, to stay away. Jillian didn't need my baggage and I didn't need the guilt I would carry every time I messed something up between us.

"I love you, Jillian." I squeezed her, then ran out of my house and didn't stop until I was a mile away. I walked around aimlessly for over an hour trying to slow myself down. I was losing it. I wasn't thinking straight, and my anxiety was through the roof. Suddenly, a car slowed down and pulled up beside me. The window rolled down and Jimmy stuck his head out.

"You're marked, Eddie, we're coming for you."

I ran toward the car, yelling some choice words. I could see three of his cronies inside the car staring me down. The car took off as I approached. It made no sense to me until I noticed a cop car drive by seconds later.

Maybe it's time I leave town like I promised Jess I would. I'm not going to prove a thing taking a beating from a group of lowlifes with nothing to lose. What am I going to do? I need to talk to someone who can help me. Maybe someone at the clinic can help bring me down, I thought. I knew I couldn't stay outside and risk running into Jimmy and his crew while I was alone. I needed to get home.

Chapter 23

I woke the next morning in bad shape after a couple of hours sleep. I looked at my phone to see a bunch of text messages from Jillian. I couldn't bring myself to answer. Not yet, anyway. Not until I had some answers for her. I was hoping to get those today. I took my motorcycle out of the garage and drove to the clinic. At this point I could care less if a cop caught me. I needed to get there. I was unraveling big time.

I sat in the clinic's waiting room, fidgeting and worried sick about whether I had made the right decision in coming in here. I was afraid now. Afraid that I would tell my story to this person I had never met and be led away to an institution and locked up forever. I always imagined them operating on my brain to help me think properly. I didn't want anyone opening my head and looking inside. What if I was wired wrong and the doctors were unable to help me? They would close my head back up and send me far away to isolate me from the rest of the world so I could never hurt anyone if they damaged the wires while inside my head, I might wake up a zombie. I could spend the rest of my life sitting in a hospital bed staring at the walls, unable to say anything but able to understand everything going on around me.

My mind continued to play games and tried to convince me that it wasn't so bad feeling the way I did, and things could be much worse. I was no longer able to sit, I had to get up and walk around. I read a couple of posters on the wall that talked about the symptoms related to mental health disorders and I was surprised to see how many I had. I kept pacing up and down the corridor wondering what I ever did to feel this way. My anxiety was going through the roof and I was going into overdrive. I was in a state of hypervigilance that was on a whole new level and I felt as though I was about to blast off into space.

I walked out of the office and into the parking lot to get some air and try to get myself together. It took all my strength to walk back into the clinic and sit back down in the waiting room. A few minutes later and I was losing it again incessantly, questioning my decision to come here. I realized quickly there was no way I could sit in front of a stranger and talk to them at this point. I had never been able to tell anyone about what went on inside me, not even those closest to me. I had let only a tiny bit out to Jillian yesterday and I was still questioning my decision. Am I afraid of being judged? I thought.

Was I afraid someone was going to look back at me after I poured my emotions out and think I was damaged goods beyond help? Is that what Jillian was thinking right now? I knew something inside me was broken but I was so much more than just broken.

Then talk to someone, tell them what's going on and they'll see you're so much more than a damaged goods, I told myself.

No, they won't Eddie, they'll see you for the screw up you are, the Hunter said. Look at your life, look at the things you've done, the people you've hurt. Look at the things you haven't done, all that potential you've wasted trying to stay one step ahead of me. You're broken Eddie and nobody has the parts you need to get fixed. You're not one step ahead anymore. I'm so close now, I'm about to pounce. When I do, I'll knock your last breath out of you and bring you home.

"Shut up," I screamed repeatedly, but it was all inside my head. I ran out and into the street and kept going until I was out of breath. I bent over to catch my breath before sitting down on the curb. I was angry with myself. My inability to control my thoughts and behaviour was affecting every aspect of my life. I thought I was either too weak or too afraid to do anything about it. My anger grew as I thought about how much of my life was spent trying to stop the chatter. How much energy I expended trying to pull myself out of the well of never-ending sadness and despair. How many night's sleep had I lost to loneliness and despair? I would give anything to feel normal but what the hell was normal?

What was I supposed to base my idea of normal on? I didn't live inside anyone's head to know if their mind's raced if they felt guilty all the time about nothing or sad and lonely in a room full of people. Did they have a never-ending river of tears flowing down inside their brains that never made it out and down their cheeks? How many questions a day did Clark or Rob ask themselves? How many of their thoughts tortured them? I stood up from the curb and wanted to scream. Shouldn't I be able to tell myself something, anything that would help soothe me and bring me some peace. I want to kill the Hunter but I didn't know how.

Show yourself, you trash-talking coward. Stop hiding inside my head and come out so we can have a go. I'll beat on you until all the sadness and despair are gone. Until the tears have run dry. Until all the worry and anxiety and self-loathing are gone. Until all the rage and anger built up inside me are gone and I can be at peace, I thought. I was working myself up into a frenzy.

I need to get out of here I need to go somewhere far away but how can I leave Jillian? I am so in love with her.

"She'll be leaving you soon enough," I said aloud.

The cracks in my armor were starting to show and I was coming apart at the seams.

After what you said to her yesterday, you're done Eddie. Besides, why bring her down. Why would you want to do that to someone you love so much? She has everything going for her and so much to look forward to.

I realized at that moment; I needed to let her go no matter how much pain it would cause me. I wouldn't be able to stay here though; it would be torture for me to see her and not be able to hold her.

"If I stop seeing her, it will be the final push," I muttered.

I needed to leave this town, but go where? Anywhere but here.

My mind was made up in that moment. I was going to leave town as soon as I could pack a bag. I headed toward home when my cell rang. It was Clark. I didn't answer, a few seconds later a text came in.

"I'm in town for the day, shooting pool with Rob and the girls. Come and see us, buddy." I waffled for a few minutes thinking about whether I should go or not. One last night with the boys might do me some good. Let me go away in a better mind state of mind, I thought.

I changed directions and began walking south toward the pool hall. I was all over the map, trying to figure out what my next move would be. Where to go, where to stay, what to do for work. I was getting more and more anxious with every thought. I couldn't come up with an answer that satisfied me.

Stay here, at least you know people, I thought. I shook my head. I can't stay here; it's not an option for me.

I stopped for a minute and looked down the road. The pool hall was a few hundred yards away. I stood there debating whether to go or turn around and go home.

"What if the boys try convince me to stay in town?" I muttered.

I knew they had my best interests at heart. They'd tell me straight up what they thought. But while they would tell me what they thought, they didn't know anything about the Hunter living within me.

I kept walking and when I reached the corner unit of the strip mall the pool hall was in, I heard a car peel out from the other end of the parking lot. I looked over and saw it was Jimmy's. It was coming toward me. I started running down the sidewalk toward the pool hall entrance at the other end of the building. I made it halfway before I was stopped in my tracks by two goons standing in front of me. I knew this was going to be ugly. I had nobody to back me up and I could tell by the scars on their faces that these two had danced many times before. I resigned myself to what was about to happen and threw a left hook at the one closest to me. It connected and we were off to the races. Punches were flying and I ate a couple of right hands that took me off balance.

I don't know what happened next. All I can tell you is I was flying headfirst into a storefront window. I lifted my arms to protect my face as I went through the plate glass. It shattered in a million pieces and tore my arms to shreds. An alarm went off as the stunned owner looked on in disbelief. I was lying on the ground on top of a pile of glass. I stood up quickly, thinking they would be on top of me in no time. I turned around and saw a small crowd gathering as the alarm blared. I brushed the glass off my body and looked down and several open wounds on my forearm. The cuts were deep. An employee tied a piece of cloth around my arm above the first cut and wrapped a cloth around the rest.

I was in a state of shock. He was saying something to me but all I could hear was a voice telling me to run. I bolted down the road and across the street to the fields that were parallel to the train tracks. As I ran, I could feel a burning sensation in my arms but there was no pain.

Chapter 24

It was getting dark as I walked through tall grass along the side of the tracks talking to myself.

"What a mess you've made of your life. What a loser you are for letting all this happen."

The worst moments came when the way I thought about myself matched the incessant badgering of the Hunter. It just made him all the more powerful. What were my options, though, and where could I go? What if the endless chatter continued? What if my mind remained dark and forever brooding? All these years and still, I had no answers to my questions about why I spent most of my life in the dark. I could hear the sound of a train off in the distance.

My bags are packed Eddie, said the Hunter. If you get on that train, I'm going to follow you wherever you go. I've taken you down deep inside the bottomless well of sadness. I promise to bring you down further. I've taken much from you over the years. I helped turn you into an empty shell of your former self. I filled you up with loneliness and despair. This fight is lost and you're out on your feet. It's just a matter of time before you hit the canvas. You'll never be who you could have been so why be anything at all. Why continue to hurt yourself and those around you? Hear that whistle? It's getting close. Don't waste this opportunity; I can give you the peace you so desperately need.

I had so much energy and adrenaline running through me. I was screaming out loud trying to release it. I could feel the vibration of the train as a million unanswered questions ran through my head. I needed only one answer. I threw my head back looking up at the sky and yelled aloud in anger.

"Can you help me? Can you answer my question? Is anyone listening? Does anyone understand what is going on inside my head!?"

Nobody can hear you Eddie except for me. I have the answer for you. Stop fighting.

I started to run, no longer able to standstill. I ran as fast and as hard as I could, barely feeling my feet hit the ground. I was losing it. The train's whistle blew three times and I knew it was getting close.

I looked up again and yelled out. "Can you hear me? I don't want to die but I don't want to live like this anymore. I've used up all my strength; I don't have any fight left in me."

I looked back and saw the locomotive's headlight fast approaching.

One more round, Eddie. One more round. Don't let this ghostly coward beat you. It won't make anything right.

I stopped running. Seconds later the train flew by me and the wind knocked me back. I fell into the tall grass. As I sat, I just breathed. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. I wiped the sweat from my brow hand trembling. I stared up into the night sky wondering who or what had spoken to me. My shirt was soaked in blood and I knew I had to get stitched up quick.

"Eddie! Eddie!" I heard a voice call out. It was Clark running toward me. He looked at my arms and turned pale. "Hang tough, buddy, we called an ambulance and it should be here any minute."

I closed my eyes and the next thing I knew I was back home lying in bed, my arms covered in gauze. I remember getting stitched up at the emergency room and being driven home by Rob and Clark. I borrowed a jacket from Rob to cover up my arms. I wasn't about to get into a verbal fistfight about what had happened.

After a brief conversation with my mother, I went to my room where I stayed for a couple of days trying to figure stuff out. I realized I was doing what I always did. Isolating myself so the Hunter could attack. That wasn't going to cut it anymore. I knew I was done. I knew I had to get help or risk something tragic happening. For the first time in my life, I surrendered. I told myself I needed help. I accepted that I could never beat this on my own. Was what I had beatable? I didn't know. There has to be a way to stop the suffering, I thought.

I reached out to Jess to see if she knew anyone from the clinic who could help steer me in the right direction. She called me back this morning and asked me to come see her. I went over to her house. She had tears in her eyes when I showed up and apologized a hundred times for getting me involved with Jimmy.

"I made my own choices, Jess. It's a done deal and I need something good to come out of this."

"I found out all kinds of information for you." She said, guiding me to the living room. We sat on the couch and she picked up a couple of pamphlets from the coffee table.

"I was in rehab with a girl who had a family member in a mental health program sponsored by the clinic. She said it was lifechanging. Here, read this and I'll tell you more."

I read the pamphlet and Jess proceeded to tell me the girl's life story. I could see myself in this girl. Lost, sad, angry... and most of all confused. After listening to Jess I felt that this type of program might be exactly what I needed. It wasn't just a place to go get a prescription; it was a new place to call home. A place where they would fight for you when it felt like you simply couldn't anymore. The best part was that I could go to a clinic far away.

I had too many memories here. I need to leave my baggage and move on. I needed a clean slate and an open mind,

"Can you make me a promise?" Jess asked me.

"Go for it."

"Will you promise to get the help you need? My heart would break if something happened to you Eddie. I feel like I have to apologize. You were always there for all my stuff and I never even thought to ask you what was going on with you. I feel awful."

I smiled. "No one knew Jess, that's not your fault. I'm going to get all the help they're willing to give me. How does that sound?" She smiled and I paused for a moment then said, "I need you to promise me something, Jess." She nodded. "I need you to promise me you'll reach out to me wherever I am if ever you feel like you're going to slip."

I leaned over and gave her a hug. "You're beautiful inside and out, Jess. You need to do whatever it takes to get well enough to see that."

I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as I said goodbye. I wanted her to get well. I wanted her to be a part of my life in the future. I loved her like she was my little sister.

I went home to find my mother sitting in the family room with Trent. My father was out of town for a week and I was relieved. It would have been awkward for me to try to explain to him, what I was about to do. Awkward isn't even really the right word. It would feel meaningless to explain something I was only beginning to comprehend myself.

I took my mother's hands and held them as we sat on the couch. She looked down, her shoulders bobbing as she cried silent tears while I explained to her what had been going on with me. I told them I needed to go away for a while and get things straight in my head. Trent stayed standing up, hands in his pockets. I could tell he was uncomfortable and more than anything confused. I gave her some details about the program. I didn't want to get into too much detail. I wanted to be able to explain myself properly one day. To be able to do that, I needed to understand more. I was hoping to get those answers when I went away.

I told them not to worry; everything was going to work out. I was concerned about how my mother would react but as sad as she was, she actually seemed relieved. I bet she knew this day would come. That it was best for all that I went away to get help. Trent was sad. He hadn't said a word the whole time I was talking, so I got up to hug him. I told him not to worry, I was still his big brother and I'd have his back no matter how far I went. That we were going to have all kinds of adventures together when he came to visit. My mother left the room and Trent and I continued talking until he felt better about me leaving. I went into my room to start making calls.

Once I had everything lined up, I called Rob and Clark. I told them I was going away for a while. I didn't want to try to explain myself to them at this point for the same reason I didn't want to share too much with my mom. Once I had things straightened out, I would share everything with them. They wanted to come to the train station and see me off. I told them it was better for me to go alone. I was sad enough and saying goodbyes wasn't going to help. I told them I'd get in touch as soon as I was settled and that I'd be back in no time. That last part wasn't true. I knew once I left on that train, I wasn't coming back. I'd see them again one day, just not here. The Hunter was still strong, but the hope I had about getting help and finding some answers relieved some of my pain.

Can't even bear to say goodbye to your best friends Eddie. It really is better for you to just go, everyone will be better off. Just me and you now Eddie, just me and you.

I made my way to the train station with a duffel bag and a backpack. I picked up my ticket at the counter and walked outside and onto the platform to wait for the train. I was filled with every emotion. I was nervous, excited, happy, sad, and everything in between. All I know is, going away to get help felt right. I looked down the tracks as I had so many times before to see if any trains would pass by before mine arrived. I heard footsteps walking in my direction and turned around to see Jillian.

"I heard about what happened. I called your mom and she told me you were leaving. I wanted to give you space." She said with her arms folded across her chest. She was wearing a big hoodie I had bought her for Christmas. She looked beautiful.

"I needed to say goodbye, I hope you can understand that."

I looked at her and all the love I had for her came to the surface and tears welled up in my eyes. For a split second, I thought maybe I should stay. We could work things out and I could make some changes in my life. Everything would be fine, right? No, that was wrong. Nothing would ever be fine until I was fine. Going away to get help was the only answer. If Jillian and I were ever to be one in the future, we'd have to be apart for now.

An announcement was made, "Train 63 going west to Colchester arriving in five minutes on platform three."

I couldn't talk I was so choked up. I put my arms around her and held her tight. I wanted to feel her heartbeat against mine one last time. I ran my fingers through her hair while smelling her perfume. I wished I could squeeze her inside me and take her with me. I continued to hold her until the train pulled in.

"I love you." I kissed her and gave her one last squeeze.

"I love you too. I'll be here for you when you get back. I'm not going to give up on us."

I smiled, knowing she meant every word she just said. I picked up my bags and walked toward the last car and stepped up and onto the train. I sat down at a window seat and looked out as the train pulled away. I watched Jillian walk away and tears started running down my cheeks. I closed my eyes and went back in my mind to the first day I saw Jillian sitting in class, so many years ago.

Chapter 25

The first step I had to take was going into a psychologist's office to go through all the introductory information. Once they had it all, I would join in one of their mental health programs that was best suited for whatever they diagnosed me with. I sat waiting in the reception area and was as nervous as I had been the last time I walked into a clinic. I had to stay put this time. I knew there was nowhere to run. My name was called ten minutes into my wait. I walked down the hall to an open door on the left. I looked in to see a pretty, middle-aged woman sitting behind a desk. I tapped on the door and she looked up and waved me in.

I sat down in front of her and smiled nervously. She introduced herself and started reading the intake form I had filled out earlier. I was anxious and my foot was tapping a mile a minute as I looked up and down the bookshelf behind her desk. After a couple of minutes, she looked up at me and smiled. She spoke to me in a very relaxed and soothing manner.

"I know this can all feel overwhelming so I would like to spend some time getting to know you. I want you to tell me how you feel about life right now. What goes on when you are in these states you described on this form?"

I sat for a minute thinking about where to start and what to say. "I think I feel like telling you my story. It might take a while though."

"You can take all day if you want."

"I'm not quite sure how I should tell it."

"Tell it as you lived it, Eddie," she said.

And so, I began. "I arrived just as the bell was ringing to start classes...."

