

**Xiomara**

Changing the Rules: Book One

By Dakota Light

Copyright © 2019 Dakota Light

Cover photo by Jessica Felicio on Unsplash.

**License Notes**

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

_This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review._

**Also by Dakota Light**

Maxine, Changing the Rules: Book Two

Tamiko (Changing the Rules, Book Three) is coming February 2020!
  1. A Regular Friday
  2. The Green Helmet
  3. A Regular Monday
  4. Tamiko sees Dr. Rosalyn
  5. #hotcandlewhacks emergency
  6. Things fall apart
  7. A Regular Monday
  8. Meeting By Chance
  9. Tarot by Feme
  10. Tamiko sees Dr. Rosalyn
  11. The confrontation
  12. Option One: Mike
  13. Chemistry Class
  14. Peace offering
  15. Option Two: Viktor
  16. His Type
  17. Xiomara Makes Moves
  18. Maxine's night with Duke
  19. Option Three: Sean
  20. Option Two, Date Two: Viktor
  21. Viral... moment?
  22. Tamiko sees Rosalyn Again
  23. Tamiko's Date with Peyton
  24. Show and Hide
  25. Option Four: Malcolm
  26. Things change
  27. The Birthday Party
  28. An Irregular Sunday
  29. Another Irregular week
  30. A Second Date with Peyton
  31. A new Monday
  32. Malcolm tries again
  33. THANK YOU
  34. Not a Regular Week (Book Two Sample)

## Guide

  1. Contents
  2. Start of Content

## A REGULAR FRIDAY

"So that's it?" Xiomara asks Maxine. "That's all you have, a picture?"

Maxine opens her mouth to respond, but the streetcar goes quiet. She looks left to right; strangers eyeing phones, reading books, napping. Too many ears.

The car stops, inches forward to the left, stops and inches forward again around the bend where Roncesvalles Avenue turns into King Street. Standing bodies all sway forward and lean to the right. Through a gap in the crowd, Maxine notices someone; about six feet tall, straight black hair, smooth, chiseled jaw. A phone in his hand, but eyes on her friend, Tamiko.

"Hey Tam."

"Hm?"

"I think someone over there likes you—" Tamiko looks up, follows the direction Maxine points. The stranger waves, offers a small smile.

"Oh, please." She scoffs and goes back to her phone with a slight look of disgust. "Answer the question, how about that."

"Tamiko!" Xiomara smacks her friend's bare arm as they gather to get off at the next stop. "So mean!"

Half the streetcar empties at King and Spadina minutes later. The trio steps out into warm summer city, a light wind cooling the air.

"Excuse me..."

The man from the streetcar is behind the group as they wait for the streetlight to change. Tamiko's shoulders slump.

"I actually thought I might have known you from school?" He smiles and shrugs. "And yea, you're gorgeous. Sorry, didn't mean to bug you."

Maxine and Xiomara turn to hide snickers. The light changes and two masses of nine-to-five types walk towards each other to cross the street. Tamiko tries to go back to her phone, her dark skin a shade darker in embarrassment.

"Shut up, both of you." She says as they reach a brick office building, five stories high. Xiomara holds the door open for a small group of people.

"Therapist is going to love this one." Tamiko mutters to her as she passes on their way inside.

Maxine opens the doors to an office on the fifth floor of the building. The voice of Tarot Public Relations' Creator and CEO floods into the hallway, high-pitched.

"Yes, I _am_ Karl. I'm a woman named Karl," she says to a man in a brown uniform with a rectangular package in his hand. "Do I have to explain that every time you all deliver a package? Every _single_ time?"

They turn left from the lobby to the interior of the office, pass a small kitchen that sounds and smells of coffee. Xiomara and Tamiko head to the furthest end of the space while Maxine drops her bag down at a desk closer to the entrance in front of a small boardroom. Xiomara and Tamiko take their seats beside exposed brick walls and large windows. In the ten minutes before Tarot Public Relations' Friday morning meeting, the office fills quietly with the rest of the team. Across from them, Junior Account Executive, Brionna erases a '6' on a whiteboard on wheels. In its place she writes '5' so it reads: ' _5 Days to Revel_ '.

Xiomara's phone vibrates on her desk. Usually she'd ignore it, but she knows it's a Someone Special message.

Ray: Hey! Missed you this week. Are we still on for tonight?

She starts to write: Well you could see me every morning and every night, if you really wanted to... But deletes it.

Her eyes drift up to their message history.

Last weekend: Hey sexy. Had a great time... Am I seeing you tonight?

The weekend before that: Hey sexy! Mised you. Are we going out tonight?

And the weekend before that: Hi sexy. How's your day going? We still on for tonight?

Each weekend her response, sent within ten minutes:

Yes.

Absolutely.

Of course.

Today she does something a little different. Today she writes: You already know, and hits send.

Karl, Tarot Creator and CEO and a few other employees are already seated when she gets to the boardroom. Buzz goes around about weekend plans, new restaurants, spots with wine on tap, the forecast for the next two days.

Another message from Ray comes in. This time she looks at the phone immediately. A second text is not his usual pattern.

Ray: Good. Got a surprise for you.

"Hurry up folks!"

Karl waits for Sugar to enter before sliding the meeting room door closed. "Perfect. Happy Friday all!"

"Happy Friday," a few around the table answer. The room settles down.

"We've got a viral moment!" Karl exclaims. Maxine starts a round of applause that picks up to a cheer. Karl takes her seat while congratulations go to Xiomara.

"Thank you, thanks guys," she says. "So if you haven't heard, #hotcandlewhacks went viral, started last night and we got some major coverage this morning. The client is Orchid, exactly the type of thing they asked for. This is really great, right on time. An order for a huge sign is being made for Revel—"

"Yes, speaking of BLT. Have you heard from them yet?" Karl asks.

"No, unfortunately not. If I don't hear from them today, I'm going to the office."

A few people around the room chuckle, but she's serious.

"You might have to, there isn't a lot of time here... Do you need my help?"

"No, will figure it out," Xiomara says. She goes back to her email to make sure she hasn't received anything from them in the ten minutes since she last checked.

"Alright, well... That's it from me." Xiomara says.

"I'll go next," Tamiko takes over. "Time to talk about The Collective-- Karl, should we...?"

Phones are locked. The room hushes. Valerie gets up to make sure the door is sealed shut. Devices are placed face down on the table.

"Oh--" Karl waves her hand in the air with a smile. "We... Well... I'll let you make the announcement."

"We were chosen to work with The Collective this year!"

Another cheer. Karl throws her hands up and a round of applause starts again.

"This client is not going to be anything like our usual, and as we've mentioned before, Tarot is signed on to an exclusive agreement with The Collective... So that means all hands on deck."

"Oh shit!"

Everyone turns to Xiomara, surprised.

"BLT just got back to me..."

"Hah." Karl says. "I guess word about The Collective is out. Will they be able to meet the deadline?"

Xiomara inhales sharply through her teeth. "I don't know," she says, reading the message. It's one line:

**Subject** : RE: URGENT! #hotcandlewhacks signage

Will do, tx.

"I'm going to have a call with this..." She peers closer at the phone to check the name of the sender. "Malcolm today. Oh-- Sorry for interrupting, Tam."

"No worries. That's all I have."

"Alright, well keep us posted..." Karl says. "Sugar? How was your first week?"

Everyone turns their attention to a young athletic, honey-toned woman sitting at the end of the table.

"Great! Overwhelming!"

"Yes, that sounds about right..." Karl says. A hush goes over the table.

"So after your first week, what's your understanding of what Tarot PR does?"

Sugar's eyes widen, some of the colour flushes from her face.

"Uh... Well... If I'm allowed to be blunt..."

"Please," Karl says, giving her the floor.

"We just... We make sure people online are talking about our clients."

"That's good, not quite." Karl squints her eyes, her head goes to the left and right. "We create viral moments. Every celebrity. Every personality with a platform, any platform. We make sure they talk about the things our clients care about. Here's another question. An easy one. What do you think defines success for us and our clients?"

"Well... Going viral."

"Good." Karl raises her eyebrows, nods in approval. "So who are your favourite YouTubers?"

Maxine and Tamiko look at each other from across the table. Try to hide their smiles.

"Richard the Drag Queen." Sugar says without hesitation. Xiomara seated across the table from her tries to communicate with her eyes to tell Sugar to stop. No one sees Xiomara's looks except for Tamiko. "Anything drag race, I'm obsessed with."

"Oh, really?" Karl says. Xiomara sits back, shakes her head slightly.

"We have a couple people here who feel the same way... So your goal for the next month will be to get this... Richard the Drag Queen to mention one of our projects. I think... Someone named Shade Coulées another one? Though Asia's been on that for about a year..."

"Yea." Asia laughs, her face reddened.

Sugar's mouth drops open but she closes it immediately and writes something down.

"And remember, Sugar. We don't do paid promotions. We do viral moments. Every piece of coverage we get is earned. Sure we pay for the street team and set up and all that, but we don't pay anyone to talk about the viral moments we create."

She pauses. Clearly this is for the whole room, not just Sugar.

"So! Is that it?"

The twenty employees around the room look quietly from left to right.

"Have a good weekend, all! And...?" She waits for people to stop moving.

"Motions!"

Chair wheels squeak, chatter starts as people push away from the table to go back to their desks.

"I was trying to tell you to stop in there," Xiomara says to Sugar once they're a safe distance away from Karl and the boardroom.

"Ah, it's okay." Sugar says. "Should've expected it... What... Why did Karl yell 'Motions' to everyone at the end?"

"Oh... It's a reminder to everyone to update our knowledge base before they leave for the weekend. You need any help with that?"

"No, I've been using it all week." Sugar says. "So is there some kind of special update I should make today?"

"Not necessarily. Anything related to clients, even if you think it's insignificant, put it in. And... Here's a tip: go through it and find a project you can start pitching to a drag queen, any drag queen. Now. Better for you to be proactive than sit around waiting for someone to give you something."

"Thank you so much, Xiomara." Sugar says, taking her seat with a look of relief. Xiomara gives her a wink and leaves her to work.

Back at her desk she looks through Malcolm's email for a phone number and calls it. The '5' on the whiteboard behind Brionna's desk directly in her line of sight.

The phone rings a second time.

Five days for Malcolm and his team to make the #hotcandlewhacks swag. T-shirts. Laptop stickers. Pop sockets. Four days, really, because they probably weren't going to start today. Maybe they could cut back on the t-shirts and pop—

"This is Malcolm."

"Malcolm. Hey, this is Xiomara from Tarot. Can you give me an ETA on when we'll get the #hotcandlewhacks swag for Orchid?"

"I'm sorry. Who is this?"

"Xiomara?"

Silence.

"From Tarot PR? My client is Orchid? They have hot candle wax trending all over right now?"

"Right... Tarot PR. Congrats on The Collective...".

"Okay...? We need that swag in a week for Revel. Did you get our specs? And the changes?"

Silence again.

"Yea, definitely. We will have it for you in time."

"Okay..." She expects more; but all she hears on the other end is sounds of yelling behind him, steam coming from a large press. "So... Will you... Send proofs? Or... Can we see samples next week?"

"Yea, we can have those to you by Wednesday."

"And... Have you guys started on the installation?"

"Yea, it's almost done."

"Seriously?" Xiomara's eyebrows knit in disbelief. She turns to the window to block the sound of her voice from traveling across the room. This was hard to believe. "The twenty-feet wide, five feet high, bright orange install for Orchid... Your team is almost done making it?"

"Yes."

"Alright, 'cause..." Xiomara stumbles the find the right words. BLT is important. Essential to what they do. It's too late for her to look for a new vendor now. They _are_ the new vendor. "I know this is our first time working together, but we usually move a little fast when it comes to stuff. It all depends on what goes vira—"

"Yea, so do we. Have a good day."

"Uh— hello? Hello?!" Xiomara looks at the phone. He'd disconnected the call at a minute and 35 seconds. She blinks at the screen in more disbelief, debates whether to call him back.

"Unbelievable," she says under her breath.

Before she puts the phone down a message comes through on her group chat with Tamiko and Maxine.

Tam: Anyone getting the table today?

Max: Me.

Another message comes in from Maxine, this one a link to an Instagram photo with a heavy 80s filter. Two hands intertwined beside a glass of champagne. On the bigger hand is a tattoo of a hamburger on the fleshy part between thumb and forefinger, the patty separated from the bun, lettuce, tomato and sauce.

Max: Here it is...

Tam: Ew. Ppl still take photos like this?

###

"Alright, what's going on," Tamiko asks as they walk towards a table. Lunch is on a rooftop patio of the building that houses Tarot PR's offices, seven round picnic tables arranged in a zig-zag along the length of the roof. Real trees and bushes sit in large planters and line the edge, against a glass barrier.

Maxine is staring at her phone, her face in a frown.

"That was Angel."

Tamiko stops. "What? Are you sure?"

Xiomara takes a seat beside Maxine. "How do you know?"

"The tattoo," Maxine finds the photo again. "The hamburger."

"Yes, I saw it but do you--"

"Look at the caption."

Xiomara squints her eyes at Maxine's phone before taking it out of her hand so she can get a closer look.

"Let me see?" Xiomara passes the phone to Tamiko.

The crew waits for her to finish reading.

"What, you think the heaven thing means this is Angel?"

"Well what else could it be."

"Maxine," Xiomara raises her voice a little. "Come on. That is a very common little phrase. It's... convenient, yes, but I don't think you have anything to worry about."

"Yea, you would say that." Maxine says.

"Do you think I would have introduced you to him if I thought he would do something like this?" Xiomara gestures to Maxine's phone.

"How about this," Tamiko looks to Maxine. "Have you tried asking him?"

"He tells me the same thing, every time. I can't ask any more. He'll lose it. The only way it will make sense for me to ask again is if he's strapped to a lie detector."

"Very Maury Povich," Xiomara says.

"Speaking of names that end in 'y'," Maxine says. "How are things going with Ray?"

"Nice. So we're changing the topic?"

"Yes."

"Welllll," Xiomara sing-answers. "We're going out tonight... As usual... But he messaged me to say he has a surprise for me?"

"Oh?!" Maxine and Tamiko say at the same time.

"That is positive," Tamiko continues. "Especially after that talk you had to give him last week."

"Yes... I don't want to make too much of it though... Oh! Lemme tell you about my conversation with this guy from BLT. My _short_ conversation. So first of all, he's like, congratulations on The Collective. Then he's like, yea, we got it. This is our first time working with them, right? So I tell him we work pretty fast and he's like 'us too' and hangs up the phone."

Tamiko lets out one laugh. "That one sounds like a character."

"Ugh." Xiomara says. "No more characters, please. Can we just work with a normal bunch of people?"

"We work in public relations." Maxine points out. "'Normal people' are not a thing."

## THE GREEN HELMET

By three in the afternoon the Tarot PR office is empty except for Xiomara and the company's administrative assistant, Lisa. Xiomara locks her computer, gathers her purse and heads out.

"Bye Lisa, have a good weekend!"

"Bye Xiomara! You too!"

Even though she has a few hours between now and meeting Ray, she rushes to the streetcar, to her building and up to the apartment. On the way home she'd mentally styled her outfit for the date: massive curly hair down in ringlets, the way she wears it every time they see each other, black spaghetti-strap body suit and a new grey bodycon pencil skirt delivered a couple days ago from ASOS.

At home she rushes to the closet to check that one of her strapless black shape wears is not in the hamper and starts to get ready.

A surprise.

A surprise!

A surprise?

She knows better than to assume it is a ring. Ray is not that guy. Still, a _surprise_. It had to be something good.

Back to the outfit. She hangs it in the second bedroom of her apartment, which has been converted to a walk-in closet with a dressing table situated right in the middle of the room. The outfit is casual. Could be even more casual if she wore flats instead of the strappy heels she was considering. She throws a scarf over the hanger to weigh that option but her phone rings before she has a chance to decide.

'Julianne', the display says.

She answers the call with a little breath held in. The way she always answers phone calls from Julianne.

"Hey Ma."

"Have you forgotten about me?"

Xiomara sighs. "No, of course not." She takes another scarf down from a second moveable closet in the room. Switches out one for the other.

"Well what are you doing? How come I don't hear from you?"

"Ah, things have been kind of busy at work..."

"Uh huh. And the boyfriend."

"Julianne."

"What? Am I wrong?"

She wasn't wrong. But Ray wasn't the sole reason Xiomara barely called her mother.

"So what are you doing this evening?" Julianne asks, instead of waiting for Xiomara to answer her question.

"Well I do have a date..."

"See? What did I tell you."

Julianne's tone is a little sharper than Xiomara is willing to tolerate right now. In her mind she counts.

_9..._

_8..._

_7..._

"What do I tell you every single time. These men will use you, promise. And with your weight the way it is—"

End call.

She decides on no scarf. It's too warm for it anyway. The phone rings again but this time when she sees Julianne's name she declines the call, tightens the bathrobe around her chest and continues walking to the bathroom. While the water runs she hears the phone buzz to tell her of a new voicemail.

That, she thinks in the shower as the water runs down her face and neck, eyes closed. That is why I don't call you, Julianne.

Fully dressed she takes a final look in the mirror before heading out. Smooth, brown skin, curly hair almost to the middle of her back, swell of two delicious, fun breasts that shrink down to a small waist and out at the hips. Thick, but with two c's. Smart. Ambitious. Hot as fuck. She could feel sorry for Julianne. From afar. Her mother spent her whole life trying to keep her figure, but that didn't stop her husband, Xiomara's father Mateo, from finding someone else.

This wasn't the first time she'd hung up on her mother. Of course years ago if she'd tried that Julianne would have taken a taxi to her apartment, rolling pin in hand, and beaten her ass. But Xiomara's a grown woman. If Julianne tried that, it would be a fight. Not a beating.

Julianne would get over it in a few days, and be back to asking Xiomara why she didn't call her every time they talked.

###

She arrives at the restaurant first, takes a table for two by a window that looks out onto the street. The lighting inside is part setting sun, part candles. She takes the seat facing the door on a bench attached to the wall, brushes a plant vine from a planter set along the wall out of her hair.

Ray: Hey... I'll be a cuple minutes late. Are you there?

Xiomara gets the waiter's attention to order a glass of wine.

Xiomara: Yep, just got a table.

Ray: Shit. Sorry I'm late. Be there soon.

When Ray's very tall and very broad frame walks into the restaurant, Xiomara's heart skips, butterflies in her chest and cheeks start to flutter and she can't help but smile widely, though she tries to hold it back so he doesn't think she's okay with him being late. But she can't help it. She loves the way he makes her feel, well, she loves the way his huge body makes her feel protected. In a word, he could be described as 'huge'. Six-seven, 295 pounds. She literally swooned when he picked her up and pulled her legs behind them the first time they had sex.

"Hey..." He leans in for a hug and a peck on the lips before taking a seat. Xiomara notices two helmets in his hand; one matte black, the other pea green.

"What's that?" Xiomara points at the green helmet and sits back down.

"Well... it's for you! Can I—" He hands his black helmet to Xiomara so she can put it down beside her.

He hands the green one to her with both hands, a wide grin on his face.

"Me?"

"Yea..."

"Ray..." Xiomara takes the helmet, looks at it for a moment as he takes his seat. "I don't... Is this... Is this about that conversation we had last week?"

The waiter comes back around the table after noticing Ray has joined. Greetings are exchanged. He opens the menu handed to him immediately.

"Sorry... I'm starving." He says, looking around at the options.

"This isn't what I meant," Xiomara says, putting the green helmet down beside his. She picks up her copy of the menu though she'd already decided what she wanted.

"When I said that thing about taking the next step. I didn't mean a motorcycle helmet."

"I know, but we're taking baby steps." He responds. His eyes shift quickly out the window. She doesn't need to turn to see what he's looking at, she saw the woman first. Small waist, long legs, bicycle shorts and a crop top. Probably a size eight.

"I'm wondering why we're fully grown people taking baby steps."

He doesn't respond, continues looking at the menu instead. Puts it down and stretches his arms out and nearly hitting someone at the table next to them.

Xiomara is familiar with this routine. Like the routine with Julianne.

She asks a question or makes a statement about some thing that he does not want to talk about.

He doesn't respond. Just lets time pass.

She gives up. Eventually changes the topic of conversation or goes along with him bringing something else up completely. Or they have sex.

This time she's not playing that game.

Both menus are down but he still doesn't respond. His eyes go to the left again, another woman walking by, another long pair of bare legs. She sighs through her nose and waits. Tries to remember some self-help or dating advice from YouTube or on Bustle. Stand your ground, she hears.

"Give me some time," he says when it's clear she's not going to drop it. "I don't know if I'm ready for all that."

She has follow-up questions, immediately: _how much time, what the hesitation is, if he loves her_.

But she wants him to come to her place more, so she accepts that answer as enough and gives him some relief by following the usual routine and asking him about work.

He gets a lamb burger with yam fries. She gets shrimp tacos and nacho chips, of which he liberally takes a share.

At least he always pays, Xiomara thinks as he reaches for more of the chips on her plate. It's not what I want, but it's something... I guess...

He'll get there... In baby steps.

Once they're out of the restaurant, however, all of that goodwill disappears. His neck turns again. A dress this time, just long enough to cover a nicely rounded ass.

"Hey, just so you know, there are thousands of beautiful women in this city." She says to him, a kind tone hiding her real emotions. "Try to be discreet if you're going to gawk at every single one that walks by."

"What, are you jealous?" He puts one of those hands she loves around her waist and squeezes tight. It's a rare show of affection in public, but she's not going to let him brush her off.

"Stop." She pushes his hand away gently and backs off. "I mean it."

"Okay, you're right." He puts his hands up and quickens his step to a motorcycle parked on a side street near the restaurant.

Oh no... Xiomara watches him put his helmet on and buckle it under his chin.

"Are you coming?"

He gestures to the helmet in her hand. Her head bends down to it slowly, as if she's forgotten what the green thing in her hand is. Turns it over so she can put it on but a strand of blond hair blows in the air, tickles against her arm. It's stuck in the Velcro and buckle of the helmet's chin strap.

More wind takes one of her long, dark brown-almost black coils and brushes it across her face, as if in that moment she needs a reminder of what her own hair looks like.

"You okay?"

She gently pulls on the stranger's hair, careful to draw it out instead of having it snap and leave part of itself behind.

"Maybe I'll meet you at my place..."

"Really?" He shrugs. "It's up to you... Don't want you missing out."

"Oh please," Xiomara chuckles nervously. "I'm not dressed to ride a motorcycle."

Ray leans forward on the bike with his head resting on his hand, smiling at her.

"Ok, fine..." She checks the helmet again for more debris and pulls it down on her head. It's too tight, the strap nearly feels like it's going to choke her, but she barely has a chance to pull up her skirt and sit on the bike before Ray has started the engine and is off. Immediately, she's wobbly and wants to scream.

"What the hell! Why'd you pull off like that!" She yells at him over the running engine when they get to a red light.

"Shit! Sorry, you okay?!"

She shoves her purse at him so he can hold it and pulls her skirt up slowly, using her hand to bunch it in between her legs so she can sit on it to stop it from riding up. He puts her purse in a side compartment. This time he turns around before starting to drive.

"You okay?" He calls to her again.

She nods against his shoulder. This time he accelerates slowly, his version of slowly, yells something else to her that she can't hear. Her legs and arms form a vice grip around the bike and his back while the machine is in motion. The first time he stops at a red light, her legs still wobble, her whole body threatens to tip them both over. Ray touches the arms she has around his waist.

"Lean on the same side I'm leaning on." She sees his foot down and puts hers down too. A moment of stability, but then she remembers how close they are to the ground. To distract herself from thoughts of landing on the pavement, and possibly breaking a leg, she tries to think of how long it will take for them to get to her apartment.

Down Spadina, a left on Montgomery but he's probably going to take Grey Avenue. Hopefully he takes Grey, I cannot take this traffic. Then Dundas. Then home. What is that, ten minutes? Five on this death trap.

She goes over the route again and again, changing every time he takes a turn she doesn't expect, until they are at her building.

The motorcycle turns off. Xiomara pulls the helmet up and off her head, quickly smoothing her hair before Ray turns around and sees the mess it made of her curls, now turned to frizz.

"Jesus!"

"Wasn't that fun?!" He hops off the bike, looking at her with a silly grin on his face.

"Are you serious?"

"You didn't like it?"

She wants to say 'no', but then calculates what that would mean. One more thing they don't agree on. A small thing, if she knew for sure where she stood with him, but this could take those baby steps and turn them into smaller baby steps, if that was possible. She says no, he takes the helmet back, maybe not at first, but slowly, gradually. In baby steps. Then she would have nothing to hold on to.

"Maybe it just takes some getting used to," she says instead, pulling her skirt down so she can get off the bike without exposing herself. He reaches out so she can grab his arm.

"Ah, my thighs..."

"Yea, that will go away."

I've got to give it some time? A sarcastic voice in her head says.

They walk to the building, she holds on to his arm for support while climbing up the steps.

He's left the bike parked on the street. She notices this before getting out her key.

Upstairs in her apartment, there is little talking. This part of the routine they both know well. And both agree on. Xiomara changes, puts on a t-shirt while he turns the television on and takes his pants off. She sits on the lounge beside him, snuggled up under his arm to watch a rerun of Brooklyn 99. They barely get through one episode before he reaches his head forward and kisses her on the lips. He flips over on top of her, reaches down to pull up her shirt and gently touch her pussy.

He's moving a little fast, she minds but she doesn't mind. She wants to make out, trade little sexy talk, tell him she loves him, wants him to tell her he loves her, but she doesn't totally mind that he is ready to do what she likes.

For now she holds on, feels the small muscles in his forearm ripple and contract as his fingers find their way, just circling for now. His hand goes up her body, feels the soft skin under her shirt until he reaches breast, nipple. For a split second she hears him say he's taking baby steps, but he starts breathing on her pussy and she gets distracted watching his lips pucker. She doesn't need to look but she does anyway, for later, can feel him extend is tongue all the way down, almost to her anus, and lick up. Slow and light at first. Then he does it again, just as slow and light as the first time. Her hands grab at the couch as she fights the urge to grab at the back of his head and grind her pussy in his face.

She comes, quietly, self-conscious at being too loud. Worried that he might get up and leave if she grabs him like she wants to. He's up, a condom on, a hard dick pushed into her pussy. He backs off until she can get up and turn around, arch her back and hold steady until he grabs at her hips and they fuck to rhythm. He comes, a low grunt pushes out from the back of his throat. Then he falls back onto the couch, careful to keep his dick away from the fabric.

Xiomara listens as he goes to the bathroom to wash up. When he comes back they settle in front of the television again, this time to watch an episode of some new show Xiomara's never seen before.

"You okay?" She asks.

"Yea, I'm great. You?"

"I'm good."

It's only when Ray tries to get up that Xiomara realizes she'd fallen asleep.

"What...?" She wipes her eyes and pushes off the couch. "Where are you going?"

"Heading home... Gotta move the bike anyway."

She looks at the clock just below the television to her left.

"Come on, we can't be a normal couple and just sleep in on a Saturday? You never spend the night. You realize that?"

"I don't want to argue, Mar."

"First of all," Xiomara sits up on the couch with her back to the television so she and Ray face each other. "Don't call me that. What is the big deal, why do you never stay over?"

"I'll get a ticket."

"Fuck the ticket! You know I hate waking up alone? I can't stand it. And I don't expect you to stay just because of that, but I just... I want you here, with me."

His eyes are averted somewhere and Xiomara must resist the urge to shed tears.

"Ugh, come on. Come here." Ray puts his arms out. Unsure of what he's doing, Xiomara walks over. He pulls her in for a hug. Her hands go up limply but he lets her go with a kiss on the cheek. "I'll message you in the morning, okay?"

"What the fuck! Are you serious? I just bared my soul to you and all you can say is that you'll message me in the morning?"

Her eyes glare in the near dark. She's never spoken to him like this before, but she's had enough of holding back so he doesn't get scared or run off. His eyes widen.

"Look... I'm sorry, okay?" She steps back so he can see her and make eye contact.

"I..."

Don't say it... Say it...

"I'm in love with you, Ray. And I want more for us. I want a real commitment. I'm seriously thinking about having kids. I want deep conversations, I want to know who your people are and I want you to meet my people. We've been doing this for a year. I can't just hold back how I'm really feeling anymore."

He looks down. Xiomara frantically tries to read his face, unsure of what she's seeing. It could be regret, sadness. Confusion.

"You know what? Go home."

He moves immediately, stops for a moment, then turns to leave without looking at her or saying a word. She listens as the door closes behind her. Before he can get to the elevator she makes sure to lock it so he will hear the click from where ever he's standing. She listens for the elevator doors to slide open, a single tear falls, slide closed and she slumps with her back against her apartment door.

The helmet sits on the hallway table, beside where his keys were.

Julianne's voice starts in her head. She scrambles to find her phone, unlock it, open the group chat, do something with her fingers to stop the words, to stop the train of thought that sounds like her mother. It would be too easy. Brush this off as 'Ray being just like the rest of his gender'.

Xio: Fucking Ray.

If Julianne hadn't called. If she had been able to get ready for that date tonight in peace, she could keep these thoughts away. But now she has to fight.

It wasn't true, isn't true. What her mother said was not true. Not.

Tam: What?!

Max: What happened?!

Xiomara takes another deep breath.

Xio: He gave me a fucking helmet. Then tries to leave in the middle of the night... Said he didn't want to get a ticket.

She can't put the whole truth in a group chat on a Friday night, but that is enough to get some sympathy from her friends at least.

## A REGULAR MONDAY

Tam: Yo lady! Just passed your stop. You okay?

Xiomara's chest gets heavy with knowing she will have to go over what happened on Friday again. All weekend she had been quiet over the group chat, responding with a smiley face or an LOL when appropriate.

Xio: Yea, gonna walk in.

Tam: Oh... Okay. Talk at lunch.

Xio: I told him I love him and he said nothing. Left my apartment.

She arrives at the office five minutes before the team meeting. Brionna changes the number on the board from a '5' to a '4'.

"Any viral moments this weekend?" Karl asks to kick off the Monday morning meeting. If there were any, she would know but that doesn't make a difference. She likes to ask the question anyway, especially if there is nothing to report. To set the expectation.

"Alrighty, then. Updates?"

Xiomara barely listens in. The info comes and goes but doesn't stick. She keeps eyes up, face forward on whoever is talking.

"And Xiomara? Anything from BLT?"

"Yes," back straightens, brain snaps to attention. "Spoke to a Malcolm? From the team there. Looks like we're all ready to go for Revel next week."

"Really?" Karl asks. "Well that's good news."

"Yep, so Kelsie LaRoche will be here— does everyone know who that is?" Most people nod but there are a few sheepish looks. "LaRoche is the one who started this whole hot candle whacks thing. Real Housewives of Springfield? Anyway, she'll be here next week to sign autographs at Revel and for photo ops. And hopefully we get a new viral moment. A second one."

"Great!" Karl says. Xiomara zones back out, begins to stare at Karl. Then Tamiko, who gives an update about some more pitches. Then Maxine, who talks about real estate and make-up clients. The noise becomes general din again.

"What?"

"Oh my God, a tarot reader?"

Xiomara's attention comes back to the room.

"Yea," Lisa says in her always-casual vocal fry. "We decided to... Spice up Fuck It Friday, so... she'll be here all day, next Friday. I'll send around a sign-up sheet after the meeting."

"You know, I can't believe we've never done anything like that before... You'd think, with a name like 'Tarot PR'... Huh." Karl says. "Anyway, thanks Lisa. I guess that means no one will be leaving early!"

Xiomara overhears Lionel, the company developer, tell Marcus, the only other man in the room, that he will still be leaving early.

"Did he really say nothing?" Tamiko walks over to meet Xiomara once the meeting is over. Coworkers get up to go back to their desks, a mild chatter starts as they leave. Maxine hangs back in the boardroom with them.

"Yes, nothing." Xiomara stands at the end of the table, her friends flanking her on either side.

"And what was that about a helmet?!" Maxine asks.

"He brought a motorcycle helmet to dinner and gave it to me." She pushes the boardroom chair, so hard it hits the table and slides backwards a few inches. "Said he needed to take baby steps... _Mmm-Baby steps_." She caustically mocks a baby speaking, with the corners of her mouth down-turned.

Maxine lets out a soft 'ha'.

"There was a hair inside the helmet. A fucking blond hair."

Both of her friends gasp, in disgust.

"Gross!" Maxine says.

"Fuck. Him, Xiomara. Fuck 'im!" Tamiko says. "Haven't you had enough of this?"

"Come on," Xiomara's voice comes out quiet, almost reserved. "Let's talk at lunch. We should get out of here before Karl thinks we're planning a coup."

###

At lunch, the trio get to a table on the patio and their conversation picks up right where it left off in the boardroom.

"You know what really sucks? Julianne calls me right before and soon as she finds out I'm going on a date? She starts in about how all men are trash."

A group walks by on their way to a table on the other end of the rooftop. The noise around them gets a little louder as the lunch crowd fill the tables around them.

"Girl," Maxine says. "I still can't get over the fact that you call your mother by her first name."

"Well get over it. She starts in about how all men are trash and then said something about my weight and I hung up on her."

Maxine wheezes a gasp, her eyes go wide.

"And he didn't say anything?!" Tamiko whispers hoarsely. "Like, not even an 'okay' or something?"

"After I told him I love him?" Xiomara scoffs. "Nope. Not a word. I told him to leave and he left. Honestly I don't know if he was going to say anything, we've... I've never spoken to him like that before. I think he was shocked."

"That's no excuse. Who does that? Just leaves."

"The worst part is, I haven't heard from him all weekend. Like, you'd think after all that, especially being the first time we've had a fight or... He'd send a message or call me or something."

_She's wrong_ , Xiomara thinks as her friends comfort her about Ray, rationalize with her to dump him. _My mother— Julianne is wrong. I'll prove it. Ray wants me. A guy like Ray. He does want me._

## TAMIKO SEES DR. ROSALYN

Tamiko sits on a three seat couch in Rosalyn Forest's waiting room on a Wednesday night. The whiteboard back at the Tarot office reads '2 days to Revel', but things at work are going along fine. Enough for her to be at the third session with her new therapist ten minutes early.

The appointments are not cheap. $220 per session, but Dr. Forest is highly recommended, does things differently than other therapists, at least that's what Tamiko heard about her. Plus, she's black. One of the rare black therapists in Toronto. In Canada.

An office door opens to the waiting room and an Asian woman walks out, her eyes slightly red. She sniffles once.

"Uh, where's my hug!" Tamiko hears Rosalyn say. The woman turns around and they embrace. Their bodies start to sway when Tamiko realizes she's been staring. She looks away quickly.

This is weird... Isn't this weird?!

She scans the room for witnesses but Tamiko is the only person watching her new therapist hug someone, a patient, in her office.

"Tamiko?"

The woman who came out of Dr. Forest's office walks past her and exits the waiting area.

"Uh, hello, Dr. Forest." Tamiko says.

"Oh, Dr. Forest is my government name. Just call me Rosalyn."

"Your office," Tamiko says with a shrug.

She follows Rosalyn and takes a seat on the couch inside her office.

"Thank you. So..."

Rosalyn takes her seat across from Tamiko.

"How have things been over the last couple weeks?"

"They've been okay. Same old... There was this thing, I wanted to talk to you about though..." Tamiko hesitates. "So last week, Maxine notices someone on the streetcar—"

"Sorry, Maxine is... One of your friends, right? From work?"

"Yes, and Xiomara. We all travel to work on the same streetcar most days."

"Ah... Continue."

"So, yea, she points out this guy on the streetcar... Looking at me or whatever. And... I saw him and kind of rolled my eyes at him... Anyway he gets off the same stop and tells me that he thought he knew me and also thought I was gorgeous. I didn't know who the fuck he was—"

"Uh, profanity, please Tamiko." Rosalyn says softly, as a question.

"Sorry. I didn't know who he was."

"Would you have treated him differently? If you did know who he was?"

"Uhhh..." The answer is obvious, but she doesn't want to say it. "Yea, I probably would have."

"And what was going through your head? When you saw him initially..."

"Well, he waved at me. I forgot that part. I just thought he was a f— a creep."

"Interesting. Were you going to swear again?"

"Uh, yea..." Tamiko laughs, though she hasn't made a joke.

"You don't usually swear... What's going on?"

"It's... it's telling this story. I'm not comfortable..." Sensing the question that is coming next, she continues: "And I know I didn't have to say anything to you about this, but... the reaction I had, I know there's something off here... With me. And telling you that I would have treated him differently if I did know him. I don't like to admit that."

"What was it about this man that made you think he was a creep."

"I'm pretty sure he had a penis."

Dr. Rosalyn laughs out loud.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh," she clears her throat. "So is that it, then?"

"Pretty much, yes."

"Okay, but we've talked about..." Tamiko's phone rings.

"Shit! Sorry..."

Dr. Rosalyn waits for Tamiko to decline the call.

"Stranger number..." She says and turns the phone off.

"We've talked about what you want for your future, and your challenges with that. How do you think your attitude towards men impacts your ability to attract love into your life?"

Tamiko cringes. Her first instinct is to say one thing has nothing to do with the other, but she knows better than that. She sighs instead of responding.

"Based on that reaction I'm guessing you see where I'm going with this. Let's say there's someone downstairs right now who you could date... Say he knows someone who could be a potential partner for you. If he holds a door open for you and you scoff at him or call him a creep, even in your mind, do you see how that attitude can make things difficult? Do you see how your perception impacts you?" Dr. Rosalyn pauses. "Let me ask you this... The man you want, would you want him to know about this part of you?"

"Sure. Maybe he's the same way?"

"And then if he is the same way, would you want to be with him?"

"Ah!" Tamiko snaps her finger in the air. "I walked right into that."

The doctor smiles, leans her head to the side and sits back.

"Honestly, if we weren't in this professional relationship, I'd ask you on a date."

"Excuse me?"

"Seriously. You're very attractive, Tamiko. You've got a great sense of humour, you're hard-working, got a good head on your shoulders. In every other area of your life, you're doing pretty well. But this mentality is not going to work for you."

"Uh. I..."

"Don't worry, I understand if you're uncomfortable, but this is my style, I am honest."

"I just... do you talk to all of your patients like this?"

"Oh, absolutely."

"And don't you... Aren't you concerned that I'll file a complaint or...?"

"Meh," Rosalyn sits back in her chair, starts to make some notes. "I was willing to take the risk."

Tamiko doesn't know if she should be flattered, leave, or both.

"Some of my clients... I see them more as friends than patients."

"Uh... Boundaries?"

"Yea, that's a thing I'm working on," she shrugs. "I'm a therapist, I'm not perfect... Tamiko, I bet there are lots of men — real men — out there who would say the exact same thing after just getting to know you even a little bit. Here's what I want you to think about... Maybe something you can challenge yourself with in the next couple weeks."

Thinking she has to write something down, Tamiko starts looking around for a paper and pen.

"Oh, don't worry, I have a feeling you'll remember what I'm going to say," Rosalyn winks. "I want to encourage you to embrace life, have more fun, don't take everything so seriously. Go out, look someone you don't know in the eye, a man or woman, but remember what we're working on here, and just... smile."

Dr. Rosalyn smiles as if Tamiko needs an example.

She starts to protest in response but Rosalyn puts her hand up to interrupt.

"Yes, you may smile at a creep, to use your word, but that's none of your business. You're not touching them, they're not touching you. If it makes you feel better, do it somewhere where there's a lot of traffic so that whoever you smile at can't turn around or say anything to you."

Tamiko sits, speechless and unsure.

"Just try it." Rosalyn says. "Don't make this a big deal."

## #HOTCANDLEWHACKS EMERGENCY

Xiomara: So is that it Ray?

She messages him Sunday morning. They went the whole week without a word to each other. No texts, no phone calls. No Friday night date.

At that moment, Kelsie LaRoche from the Real Housewives of Springfield is checking into a hotel. Xiomara will need to meet her in twenty-four hours for Revel, but she'll worry about that when the time comes. Right now she's lost the stand off battle they were in over who would message first.

Ray: What do u mean.

There's some relief, just a little, that he responded. But how dare he pretend he doesn't know what she's talking about.

Xiomara: I didn't mean we stop seeing each other, Ray. I didn't know you were so cold.

She doesn't hear from him again for an hour. An hour of trying to stay busy but every five minutes she's back to her phone, checking for a response.

Ray: So what are we doing?

Xiomara: We need to talk. Besides, I have your Revel ticket. *tongue sticking out emoji*

An emoji at the end to take some of the tension away. Though she feels tense.

Ray: I don't kno.

If he's going to come over, if she's going to see him today, she's got to act fast. Monday will come around and then based on their routine, they will go a whole five days without seeing each other again.

Xiomara: It's better for us to at least talk in person, get it over with. Plus I won't be able to talk the whole week with Revel going on...

It's possible she's giving him a way out, with these words, but she's willing to take the risk. Then:

Ray: K, I'll be there in an hour.

A win. But before Xiomara can feel good about it, a call from an unknown number comes in. Satisfied that she'll see Ray before the day is over she picks up the phone.

"Hey... This is Malcolm? From BLT?"

Malcolm. The 'all good, thanks' guy.

"Uh... Yes?"

"There's a bit of an issue, with the Orchid installation at Revel. The floor plan has it arranged in kind of a bad spot. Insurance asked us to move some things around."

"Okay?"

"Thing is, this... hashtag hot candle thing is too big for where it's supposed to go... We can put it somewhere else, but... You'll need to tell us where."

Shit.

"Right now?"

"Well, yea, you all need this thing for tomorrow, right?"

There's a sarcastic note to his tone that she weighs checking, but that would make things more difficult.

"Well, can you send a pic?"

"I can, but... We still need to know where to put this thing."

"Which building are you at?"

They exchange information on where to meet. Xiomara scribbles the details down on the back of a Shoppers Drug Mart receipt.

As soon as they hang up another message goes to Ray.

Xiomara: Something at work has just come up... Can I message you when I'm done dealing with this stuff?

Now he's responding right away.

Ray: So am I coming over or no?

Xiomara: Yes, but maybe meet me somewhere or come by later...

She switches over to Uber to order a ride, then goes back to the last message he sent her.

Ray: I don't know, how long is this thing at work going to take

Xiomara: Not long.

She has no idea if that is the truth, but Ray is about to change his mind, she can feel his pulling away. So she gives him a little lie anyway.

Xiomara: Twenty minutes, max.

###

In the Uber, Xiomara checks her phone again for any response to the last message but there is nothing. He could be changing his mind right now. Or falling asleep. Or making arrangements to see someone else.

The driver speeds south on Spadina while she goes back and forth from the window to her phone. Write him again? Try to get an answer? Tell him where she is so he'll meet her at the Revel building instead?

Xiomara: Hello?

She messages again as the car turns onto Exhibition Road.

Revel will take up three buildings on the exhibition grounds, but her destination is one up ahead with a large 'A' above the main entrance.

Ray: Maybe. Let me kno when ur done

###

It's not yet the afternoon, but here near the lake there's a cooler breeze. Xiomara steps out of the car to see the figure of a man with his back to her, leaned casually against a door. Broad, round shoulders, mid-length dreads with lighter brown tips. In the light she can see the dip between the muscles in his back under a dark grey collared shirt.

He turns, her light browns meet his darker brown eyes meet through the glass. For a moment she wants to return his smile but this is work on a Sunday afternoon. He pushes on the bar with his arm to let her in the building.

Malcolm wipes his other hand against paint-stained cargo shorts and holds it out.

"Hi..." His voice is quieter than it was over the phone.

"Hey." Xiomara shakes his hand. Rough skin, warm. Firm. Faintly she can hear the sounds of construction: loud talking, drills and hammers.

"You guys are cutting it a little close." She says to him.

"Just last minute stuff," Malcolm starts to climb the stairs in the building and go to the left. "Not that unusual, actually."

They walk in silence with him leading the way to the area. The installation sits against a far wall. Up close, it felt as big as the iconic TORONTO sign at city hall, and was supposed to serve two purposes: give people something to take pictures in front of and post to Instagram, and point attendees to Orchid's lounge, behind a large stage.

"Shit." Xiomara says. The problem is obvious immediately. The sign is too wide for the space. Position it away from the wall, like it was supposed to be, and it will block the entrance to the lounge completely.

"It looks like the stage was set wider than what we were told..." Malcolm offers as an explanation.

She walks over to the installation, tries to pull it towards her but the thing is solid. Heavy.

"Here— let me," Malcolm reaches behind the thing, his hand around the hashtag symbol. The muscles in his forearm flex as he lifts one side of the thing and inches it against from the wall. Xiomara pulls her eyes away from the arm.

She goes to the other side and looks behind the sign for another handle and starts to lift.

"You got it?" He asks her from across the sign.

"Yep... Let's... Move it over. Just gimme one second." She throws her bag down on the ground and stretches her arms out. Looks across to see Malcolm smiling at her.

She looks away quickly. "Ready—" They lift the sign and carry it over to where it's supposed to sit at the entrance of the lounge.

Xiomara walks back against the stage. "This will not do at all..." She says to herself. Malcolm backs up to stand beside her.

"Hey... Can I ask you...? 'hashtag hot candle whacks'?" He asks.

"It's..." Xiomara waves her hands in the air. "Stupid. Let's just say it involves big, burning candles, hitting a floor. From the Real Housewives of Springfield."

"I don't know what any of that means," he says.

Xiomara inhales sharply. He smells like fresh cut wood and sweat. She walks away from him, tries to focus on the problem in front of them. She reaches out to try to shake it again.

"Can you guys... Cut this? Like... Ugh, damn it."

"You mean, cut the sign in half?" He says. "Yea, we might be able to do that."

"Yes, but it still has to make sense... And we have someone coming down here to take photos in front of it..."

"How—"

Xiomara throws her hand up to cut him short. "Give me a minute," she says.

_Cut it down here..._ She thinks, looking at the sign up close... _Leave it up against the wall temporarily, and then..._

"Okay, how about we cut it between 'candle' and 'whacks', and leave it against the wall for our photos... Then once that's done we'll put the #hotcandle part here..."

She runs over to the other side of the stage. A second entrance to the lounge. They'd have to move some furniture around, but it could still work.

"And here! The 'whacks' part of the sign will go here, and then we make this a second entrance."

Malcolm walks over to where Xiomara stands for a closer look. She holds her breath in a little, stops herself from breathing in too deeply.

"Wow, I didn't even see this," he says, taking a device out of his pocket. "You always this good on your feet?"

"Yea, that's why they pay me the big bucks..." She mutters looking deeper into the lounge, up to the ceiling. She turns around to scan for any other potential problems at the second entrance. Then back to Malcolm.

"Wait," she looks at the device in his hand in awe. "You have a flip phone?!"

"Uh... yeah." He types quickly and blushes, hard. Xiomara looks away, aware that she's embarrassed him. He slaps the phone closed and shoves it in his pocket, as if by going fast enough Xiomara would forget she'd seen it.

"Okay, this works." He says after receiving a message back. "You sure this is what you want to do?"

"Shit. Shit." Xiomara mutters.

This is a risk. A big one.

Orchid might hate the idea, but the real purpose of the sign was to get another viral moment with Kelsie LaRoche, hopefully a few other housewives from the franchise would tag in. The second purpose of the sign was to attract people to Orchid's lounge, and if they divided the sign in two, had pieces at both entrances, that could attract more people.

Could.

"Yeah, let's do it," she says finally.

"Alright, great. Sorry to bother you with this stuff so late on a Sunday night, eh? I appreciate you coming out."

"It's no worry." She hustles back to collect her purse from the other side of the stage.

"Do you need my help putting this back against the wall?" She asks.

"No, no... One of our guys is gonna come by to help me out..."

"Nice." she says.

"Well a smile is a good sign." He says. "No pun intended."

"I'm smiling because I can get out of here. Is there anything else we need to go over? Do you want to redesign Orchid's whole concept while we're here?"

Malcolm laughs, his lips go wider than she thought they would. Crinkles beside his eyes remind her immediately of fireworks. She takes a step back slowly as if afraid of being burned.

"You want to stay and help out?" He says to her.

"Bye Malcolm!" Xiomara says and turns with her phone in her hand. "It was great meeting you..."

"Will you be here tomorrow?" He asks as she walks away.

"If you read my emails, you would know the answer to that!" She calls back.

A few feet away she looks behind her, catches him watching. He waves. At this distance, she can safely admit it.

_Fuck, he's hot._

She waves back, lets that thought pass before hitting send on a message to ask if Ray is still up for coming by her place.

Ray: Yea, I'll meet you there.

Her type is Ray. The tall, sturdy, Paul Bunyon look with tattoos, up to his chin, arms as thick as a yoga mat roll.

Malcolm is not that guy, smaller in frame, but bigger something else. She could almost smell it. An energy about him that seemed to swallow her up and she wanted to be swallowed by it.

Whoa. Shit, where did that come from...

Xiomara gets into an Uber home. Ray is there, still in her mind, of course but... That arm, the way it flexed when he lifted one end of the sign, his wide, open smile. She'd caught a glimpse of it before she ran to help him lift and now in the car she almost hopes that he never smiles at her again. It was enough to make her think thoughts she shouldn't. Inappropriate thoughts about someone she worked with.

The Uber arrives at her building, stops behind where Ray parked his bike outside. She'd forgotten about him the whole ride over. Now she puts Malcolm out of her mind. He would be good for Maxine, no — Tamiko. She considers telling them about him but changes her mind. Malcolm will meet her friends tomorrow, maybe find a corner of some after party in a few days to make out before planning to go on a real date.

_Sigh_.

###

"I just don't _knooow_ , Astrid!" A woman, early twenties, straight, light-brown hair with pink streaks, pouts pale pink lips and whines. "He's _soooo_ cute but he just... He gives me pieces, you know? I want the whole thing."

"Do we have to keep watching this?" Ray pulls his arm from behind Xiomara's head and reaches over her legs for the remote. The sun is down, dirty plates sit in the sink, takeout containers in the fridge and garbage.

The camera switches over to Astrid. Dark brown hair, glasses, black lipstick. "He's deep dating you," she says in a low monotone voice, slightly nasal.

Deep dating. She'd heard those words before. A YouTube expert. Some article online. Or a dating television show. It didn't matter. The words shift the energy between her and Ray, seems to point a finger, like the two people on screen suddenly turn to look at them on her couch.

"He doesn't like you that much and just—"

Ray pulls the remote closer to a lamp on a side table so he can see the buttons, presses something to stop Astrid from talking. He starts flipping through the Netflix home screen.

Xiomara hears her phone vibrate.

An email from Malcolm. She unlocks and opens it immediately, thankful for the distraction from those words from the television that still echo for some reason.

**Subject** : Sign update

We have the sign up against the wall for tomorrow morning... Took these with my camera.

She opens one picture to see the full sign, against the wall, someone she doesn't know cutting it apart. In two other photos '#hotcandle' points to one entrance of the lounge, 'whacks' at the other. Furniture inside of the lounge rearranged.

The photos are sharp, clear, definitely not taken using a flip phone.

**Subject** : RE: Orchid space update

Looks great. Thanks for making this work.

Five minutes after she hits send, there's another message from Malcolm, this one a response to one of the emails she sent him days ago. Details of the schedule of who from Tarot PR would be at Revel over the week, and where.

**Subject** : RE: RE: Revel Standup - Meeting Minutes

I guess I will see you tomorrow.

Xiomara smiles and locks her phone.

_I shouldn't be smiling about a message from a guy I don't know while I'm lying beside Ray_ , she thinks. But who cares, a little flirting. Harmless.

###

"Oh my God, should she be on there?!" Maxine walks up to Xiomara, who is standing and staring at Kelsie LaRoche laying on top of the large #hotcandle sign with a hand on her hip.

"I told her not to," Xiomara says through clenched teeth. Around them members of the Tarot PR street team, paparazzi and some event attendees point their cameras and phones to Kelsie, who giggles and screams like a child at a playground.

Behind them people start to take seats in front of the stage for a conference session. Other events take place on four other large stages set up in the exhibition space. Hundreds of people walk around with branded Revel tote bags, headbands and scarves covered in bright colours and company logos.

"Better not let Karl see this..." Maxine looks around for security or any official-looking person ready to put a stop to the whole moment.

"Already sent her a photo. If she falls off that thing it'll be our ass."

"Okay! I'm done!" Kelsie yells. She pushes up to her knees, hands go up in the air. The closest cameras and phones go down, people rush to form a crowd pillow with their hands outstretched to help her get down safely.

Those standing further away continue to snap and record.

"Ah, so this is what the fuss was over?" They turn to see Malcolm who has walked up to watch the scene.

"Malcolm!" Xiomara says. "You look well-rested. This here is Maxine." She watches them smile, shake hands. Looks even closer for an attraction she expects to be there.

"So what happens now?" He asks, looking back at Kelsie.

Xiomara looks at the time on her phone: 11:45. "Well every gossip blogger from here to Mexico City will get photo and video by the end of the day... Then hopefully Orchid gets a bunch of sales." She tells him.

"Sales of what?" He asks.

Xiomara and Maxine both turn to look at him. "Isn't it obvious?" Xiomara asks.

"Décor." Maxine says. They look at each other and shrug.

" _Those candles stay intact, no matter how hard they're whacked_." Xiomara repeats the line Kelsie was convinced to say during her appearance on the last episode of Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen.

"So is that what Tarot does?"

"Pretty much!" Maxine says. "It might actually be better for us if she does fall off." She adds sarcastically, her head nods towards Kelsie, who holds on to a handsome photographer's hand.

"Stop it, Max."

They watch Kelsie's feet in five-inch platform heels use the lines in the hashtag part of the sign as stairs. Her feet touch the ground and Xiomara exhales in relief.

"Thank Christ."

###

On Tuesday someone had tried hitting the 'whacks' part of the sign with Orchid candles and they held up to their reputation. On Wednesday the social media clips started; people yelling 'hot candle' and then 'whacks' to each other, making little video clips showing them running from one end of the lounge to the other, and best of all, stocking up on Orchid merchandise. Candles especially.

Revel ends today, a Thursday, but gossip bloggers and vloggers and Instagrammers are still sharing the photos taken on Monday of Kelsie on top of that sign on their channels and feeds. Every view is counted and reported to the Tarot PR team. #Hotcandlewhacks is a success and still going strong. Of course, the most popular photos are the ones of Kelsie on top of the sign. No one notices the line between the 'e' and the 'w'.

Xiomara looks down at the project plan she submitted to Orchid months ago, before the real work started. The numbers and words on the printed page on her desk might as well be backwards.

It was that image she couldn't get out of her mind. An image four days old but as clear as it was in the moment. Malcolm in a pair of navy pants at Revel, bent over to lift 'whacks' off the ground with some other guy from BLT.

That butt.

Curve of those hamstrings.

What fabric was that cotton? Stretch cotton.

_Probably soft like butter..._

_Shit._

Ray.

She inhales deeply, blinks at her computer until the words come into focus and exhales. Compared to Tarot's previous work for Orchid, this project was the best yet. All of the objectives were achieved:

Get widespread, international coverage. Check.

Increase sales of Orchid's new line of scented candles. Check.

Increase Orchid's brand presence among the Housewives franchise audience. Check.

Xiomara does a final spell check, sends a copy over to Karl, Tamiko and Maxine to get their thoughts. Then she sends it to her contacts at Orchid: Neil, Sherman and Lucille.

**Subject** : Revel #hotcandlewhacks post-mortem

Hey folks!

Attached is the post-mortem report from Revel this week. Looks like we had some great coverage, impressions are still coming in. Let me know if you have any questions.

She watches her inbox closely for a response from either the client or her coworkers. In the meantime, a contact from The Collective, the new client they had just secured, has questions about Tarot PR's process.

When she does hear back from Orchid, the response is less than enthusiastic.

Subject: RE: Post-mortem

Oh, hey, thanks Xio.

We're having a wrap party tomorrow. It's at Band, starts at 8.

See you there ;)

Neil

Xiomara closely scans the email message a second time. Then a third. Sherman and Lucille were copied, along with Maxine. But no mention of the report. Neil, the most important person at Orchid, the one who constantly asked them about what they were spending money on and what they were getting in return, the one who closely read every little thing they sent him. He definitely read it. He always read their reports and emailed his questions, usually in a list. But here, in this message. Not one mention of the report.

**Subject** : RE: RE: Post-mortem

Is he okay?!

Xiomara looks up across the office at Maxine after reading her message, shrugs and frowns in bewilderment. She writes back.

**Subject** : RE: RE: RE: Post-mortem

Notice how he changed the subject? He must be happy 'cause we got an invite to this afterparty? But what?!

She searches her brain for some idea of how Neil's response could make sense. They were happy, that she could safely assume. That was important. Very important. But then how to explain Neil's limp response?

There osn't enough information to raise the issue with Karl. She would ask: _did they say anything?_ Xiomara would say, _well, no... But this isn't normal_. And Karl would shrug, shake her head.

They probably just hadn't read it yet, Xiomara reasons finally. If they weren't happy, they would say something. She and Neil had that relationship, that she was sure of. Still. Something about this she can't shake off. Not completely.

## THINGS FALL APART

Ray: Hey cutie. Hope you're having a good day. Am I seeing you tonight?

Friday afternoon, and they are back to routine. Sure he messaged her a little late, an hour after the morning meeting, but no matter.

Xiomara: Yes...

But Orchid's party. She had to go. Wanted to get in front of their team to ask about the report, get some sense of what was going on with Neil.

Invite Ray, and he'd meet her coworkers, introduce himself as Head of Sales at Uply, a startup based out of Liberty Village. Maybe find some sales prospects he could pass on to his team.

And him coming to the party was step forward on the road to a relationship, a very adult step. She wouldn't go around calling him her boyfriend, but if they were going to go down this road, these were the people he would have to meet.

Tamiko and Maxine.

They had no idea she messaged him on Sunday, that he actually slept over Sunday night, and that they were back to routine.

Ray: Yes?

Xiomara: Yea, I'm going to an afterparty for Orchid. Wanna go? Some tarot folks will be there too.

###

"Really, Xio? Really? You invited Ray?!"

"Well? What do you want me to say. Yes, I invited him. He messaged me about meeting up tonight..." Xiomara shrugs.

She considered not telling her friends anything until the last minute, but picturing them seeing him stroll in to the afterparty out of nowhere. _That_ reaction would be worse. Not at the party, but after it, as soon as they get her in private. So she chose the second-to-last minute. In the Uber on the way.

"Okay, and?" Maxine says to her from the passenger seat.

"Well... We're... Working things out! I told him about the helmet and he apologized, said the hair was probably from a friend."

A distinct noise of disgust comes from Tamiko, who keeps her face turned towards the car window.

"Did you... Just kiss your teeth at me?"

"Whatever, Xio."

"Well the hair probably did come a friend!"

Tamiko turns to face her. "Have you met this friend?"

"Just... Don't give him a hard time, okay."

"Just because you want a hard time later tonight," Maxine mutters not-so-quietly as the car makes a left to go south on Jarvis.

A short burst of laughter comes from Stern, the Uber driver just as they pull up to a manor house.

"Hey! You guys showed up!" Neil pats Xiomara on her back and shakes her hand. He shows her into the venue and greets Maxine and Tamiko. The room is dark, only with blue lighting from behind the bar and along the walls. She turns back to Neil who laughs with Tamiko about something.

This isn't the time to bring up a report on media impressions and clicks on Orchid's campaign, but based on the low lighting, DJ in the corner, that moment wouldn't happen in the next few hours.

The trio soon get caught up in the party with their coworkers and client team. Xiomara feels a tap on her shoulder while she pours a glass of water at the bar.

"Rayyyy," Maxine's eyes go over Xiomara's head. "We haven't seen you in so. Long. How are you."

Her tone is all wrong, syrup over salt. Xiomara turns quickly to face him. They hug and she sees Tamiko from over under his arm, her head cocked to the side.

"Uh, come on, Ray. Do you want to go somewhere else?" Xiomara asks him.

"What do you mean, Ray just got here!" Maxine asks.

"I guess she told you about the helmet?" He mutters, just loud enough for them to hear. Xiomara looks around. The party has thinned out a little by now. A few people from Orchid remain, and a couple other Tarot employees that Neil invited, but it's mostly the company's partners and clients in the room. No one close enough to capture this little exchange. She hopes.

"Yea, she told us about the helmet."

Ray tries to laugh, but it's clearly forced. Tamiko walks up as he swings his arm over Xiomara's head. He's uncomfortable, it's clear he feels the impending questions all coming at him like a swarm of flies.

"Well, hello, Ray! I'm Tamiko."

Her sarcastic tone is sharper than Maxine's.

Jesus.

"Yes, Tamiko, we've met before."

"Oh yes, you're right! We have!"

"Yea, but we haven't really _met you_ , met you, you know?" Maxine says with a squint.

"No? Are you guys thirsty? Anyone want a drink? Excuse me," Ray turns around to Sugar while Xiomara avoids looking back.

I can't fucking believe they're doing this to me right now!

"Hello, sorry, I don't think we've met... I'm getting a round of drinks, you want a— oh, never mind." Seeing Sugar has a glass in her hand, Ray starts noticeably trying to get the bartender's attention.

"I'm going to head outside," Xiomara turns to tell her friends.

"You okay?" Tamiko asks.

"Yea, just need some breathing room."

She makes her way through the crowd while Ray is at the bar working out drinks. Outside she takes another deep breath on a patio where groups from the bar chat and smoke.

Fucking embarrassing. I'm here, ready to introduce him to people, thinking about his job and getting... sales prospects. Ugh.

She checks her phone, just in case he noticed she was gone, waits five minutes, then ten.

Max: Are we going to have to fight somebody?

She wishes she had the ability to laugh.

Xio: No, coming back inside now...

Tam: Yea, that might be a good idea.

Xiomara makes her way around the building to the patio's back entrance. She sees Tamiko turn around with a disgusted look on her face. They make eye contact. Tamiko pokes Maxine with her elbow and they walk over to meet her outside.

"Girl." Maxine tilts her head to the right, where by the door Ray stands, his head turned away. He's speaking to someone but Xiomara can't see who. Then a flash of a dark brown arm. Sugar steps aside, clearly expecting some end to the conversation they're having. Ray raises his glass at her for a cheers. She walks away from him and the trio all watch as his eyes drink in Sugar's body from head to toe.

"I cannot believe this shit." Xiomara shakes and turns her head.

"It was worse when you were outside." Maxine says.

Out of the corner of her eye, Xiomara can see Maxine and Tamiko exchange a look. She doesn't want the details. Seeing what she saw was enough. She goes to the corner of the bar, orders another drink. From where she stands she can see Ray's body. For a split second he turns around, looks through the crowd but either doesn't see her or pretends not to see her.

"I'm gonna go." Xiomara turns to Tamiko and Maxine. They nod emphatically.

"Do you want us to come with you?" Tamiko asks. "I think I'm going to leave now too."

"Same." Maxine says. "What you want us to do, Xio?"

"Nothing." Xiomara says. "Take this." She hands them the drink she just paid for and sends daggers through her eyes to the side of Ray's head. He can feel it. She knows he can feel it, but refuses to acknowledge. She pushes off the bar and walks straight towards him casually. Professional. Stay professional.

"Hey Ray." He turns, surprised to see her so close behind him. "I'm ready to go."

"What?"

"I said I'm leaving." She lowers her voice, leans in closer to him. Keeps a smile on her face. "What, you want to hang around so you can flirt with Sugar?"

"Come on, Mar..."

She turns on her heel and walks back to the front patio, her phone out to call an Uber, intending to go home by herself. Ray follows, hangs around but she doesn't acknowledge his presence.

Tam: you okay?

Max: Rip him a new one! What an ass!

She hears a tap on the window from inside and looks behind him. Maxine and Tamiko stand on the inside the house. 'Fuck him' Tamiko mouths to her.

He turns around to see them but they smile sarcastically and wave with limp wrists.

"So you're going to ignore me now?" He turns back and asks her.

She goes back to the group chat.

Xio: Yea, I'm fine Tam. Ray's the one that needs help.

"Xiomara, seriously?"

Xio: Indeed, Max.

"What, you think I wouldn't notice that little display in there?" She keeps that calm face on. There are clients still around, coworkers. Uber tells her a car is two minutes away.

"God, this is fucked up." He runs a hand through his hair and leans against the gate.

She turns her back to the house so no one inside will be able to see her face.

"This is fucked up." She says to him "I invite you to a client party and you — you're here checking out coworkers? How do you think that looks? How do you think that makes me feel?"

They stand beside each other in silence when the Uber slows down in front of the patio. Ray reaches for the door but Xiomara has the handle first and gets in the car. She tries to close it but he effortlessly keeps it open with his arm.

"You're not going to let me in?" Suddenly everything about him looks pretentious and foolish. His worn to perfection leather bag, frat boy look with jeans, even the white t-shirt, and especially the man bun. Xiomara pulls at the door again refusing to look at him.

"Uh... you're being charged wait fees, ma'am?"

"Are you serious?!" Xiomara snaps at the man behind the wheel. "Don't worry about my late fees, sir."

"Well, close the door. Please!" Yusef yells back.

Xiomara slides down the seat, letting Ray in. Both driver and passenger quietly resolve to give each other low ratings. The door closes with a slam. Xiomara opens Uber to add Ray's address to the stops and split the ride with him.

He looks down at his phone.

They ride going back and forth from looking at their phones and out the window, clear their throats and sighing. At Xiomara's apartment Ray gets out of the car to go around and open her door but Xiomara slides over on the seat and exits from his side.

"Xiomara!" He yells at her back as she walks to the building entrance. The Uber driver sighs loudly.

"Cancel the ride."

"What?"

"The Uber! Cancel it!"

Xiomara scoffs, pulls out her phone and does as he asks.

"Thank you!" The driver yells and pulls away.

Ray stands in the middle of the street, walks to the sidewalk still a few feet away from her. He stops, as if weighing something, then walks towards the sidewalk.

"Let's go upstairs..."

Another ride in silence, this time to her apartment door. She unlocks, goes inside with him following behind her, uncertain of what routine is coming next.

"Ok. It's over."

"What?" A frequency of sound changes in her head. She can no longer hear anything except the thump of heartbeat and air.

"It's over. I don't want to do this..." His mouth continues to move. She tries her best, but the sounds don't make any sense. She puts her bag down slowly, drops the keys on the hallway table and walks away from the door, but he remains where he is, shoes on, bag still over his shoulder.

"Ray, what the fuck?" Her eyes flutter. Tears fall. "We're supposed to be able to talk about what's going on, not jump to... Go there, just because we have a disagreement..."

He sighs, stretches his head back. When his eyes meet hers again, the look is tender, almost pitying.

"The truth is, I'm not into you enough... to go any further with this. I'm sorry. I've been... We've been deep dating."

"Oh my God. Ray, _really_?!" Xiomara's hands fly in the air and flop down at her sides. "You're gonna take a line from a couple of teenage girls in a fucking movie? You're not even going to give me the respect of using your own words?!"

He turns.

"Ray!"

She catches up to him, grabs at an arm that feels weightless and heavy at the same time.

"What is it, huh?!" She releases his arm when it's clear she can't hold him back. That calm look on his face hits deeper than than his words.

"You want some petite blond waif-type that fits on the back of your motorcycle and you can spin around on your dick?"

This isn't the answer, but it would be easier to handle than to know he doesn't want her. And that her mother could be right.

"Answer me!!!"

With one swift move of his arm, he's out of the apartment, just missing Xiomara as she tries to reach out for him again. Instead she touches paint and smooth grain of the door under her fingertips. Her hand is on the handle but it's clear. The elevator chimes. She hears the doors slide open, slide closed.

###

An hour later, Xiomara is up. Face swollen and reddish-brown. Streaks of makeup collected under her eyes and down her cheeks. She paces, still in the clothes from the day. There must be something she can do, she reasons. Call him. Send a text. Some kind of message. They need to talk. What just happened was too abrupt. Too final. But he was clear, not drunk at all. There would be no ignoring this next Friday. No more routine.

_Ray..._

Her finger hovers over the letter 'd' on the smartphone keypad in the group chat. Dump. Dumped, should be the next word. Like a piece of shit, left somewhere. She's got to put that word in for this message to make sense.

A tear lands on the phones screen, condensation forms around before it disappears. A couple weeks ago she and Ray were out at dinner, then in this same apartment, doing things adults did.

Everything has a layered meaning now: a word like 'dump'.

The water flowing out of her left and right eyes meant hurt, hurting. That the thing actually happened.

Silence hanging around, when today was Friday. If he hadn't left her, they would still be together, following the routine, maybe making plans for the next day if he slept over again. The silence now means she is alone.

Air rattles as she inhales in for one long, deep breath, wavering from side to side, threatening to stop at any moment. It's easier to breathe out.

and I broke up.

She hits 'send' and puts the phone face down on the couch. Listens as it vibrates once, twice. A third, fourth time and then in short bursts. She picks it up. Declines Tamiko's call and puts it back down.

I can just sit here. If I stay still enough, everything will be as it was. Everything will go back to normal.

Ten minutes of sitting and arms and legs start to tingle but she refuses to move. A knock at the door and the fantasy is ruined.

Tamiko and Maxine are there with arms out, smelling of weed, french fries and lavender.

She lets them inside and goes to quick pacing.

"Come on." Tamiko guides Xiomara to sit on the couch, but she gets right back up.

Not here. Not this spot.

Where they were cuddled up last week. She would have to avoid that spot for at least a day. Maybe take a vacuum to it.

"Where's that joint..." She grabs at Maxine's bag and starts fishing around.

"Here..." Maxine takes the bag away from her and pulls it from a pocket in the lining. She finds a candle burning by the stove, lights up and passes to Xiomara.

She inhales with greed, passes it back.

"He just... We rode back to the apartment," she breathes, calms herself down so she can get the words out.

"Get out of the Uber... He wanted to come upstairs but he stands by the door... And then... Just... It's over, just like that. He says it's over..." She breathes deeply. It doesn't feel easier to speak yet. She pulls on another drag.

"Then he opens the door... Huh, I guess he didn't want to do it downstairs, cause a scene... He opens the door and just leaves! I was right there. He... Closes the door on me."

Her friends shoot each other nervous looks.

"Can we be honest?" Maxine asks after some silence passes.

"Oh, I don't want to hear it from you right now Maxine. You're fucking in love. You don't want to talk about it, but, please." Xiomara puts her hand up to the shocked look on her friends' face.

"I think..." Tamiko speaks cautiously. "Well, Xiomara. You've been seeing him for almost a year, and..." Tamiko looks at Maxine. "Is this what you want? Really? We barely knew him, this was the second time we met him and you know he's... Kind of a jerk!"

Xiomara stands perfectly still. She hears Tamiko's words, but she's coming undone and projecting.

"I'm sorry, Max." She says finally.

"Well I was going to say the same thing as Tamiko."

"Yea, well..." Xiomara goes back to the couch and squeezes in between them, reaches for a paper bag with growing grease stains. "You'll both be glad to know he feels the exact same way."

Tamiko and Maxine sigh, frustrated that their words have been twisted. Xiomara gets up for ketchup from the fridge.

"And it's the weekend." Xiomara says finally. "At least if it was during the week I could distract myself." She comes back to the couch but instead of opening the ketchup, puts her head in her hands. Fresh, warm tears fall from her eyes to her knees.

"This sucks."

###

Tamiko sighs. "Damn it," she whispers once they're out of her apartment and at the elevator. Maxine presses the button.

"She'll get over it."

"Yea, but I hate this..." Tamiko looks over at Xiomara's door. Hushes her voice in case she can hear from the other side. "I just don't understand how someone could be so, just... A badass... And yet..." Her shoulders go up in a shrug. The elevator doors open and they step inside.

"Yea," Maxine says. "But she could probably say the same thing about us."

###

An hour after they leave, Xiomara's face is hot, wet again but she can see things clearly now in the dark of her room. He wasn't in love. They were right. He said as much. Her lower stomach is in a permanent cramp, as if squeezed to keep the pain from going too deep.

She writes a text: Ray, can we talk? It just doesn't feel like you came to this decision all tonight.

She considers explaining what she means but changes her mind, hits send. Waits.

Maybe Julianne was right. Now she can hear more of the things she told her over the years.

"Hold on to the one who is near. He doesn't have to love you, but you won't be alone."

"... At least you won't be alone."

She calls him after a few minutes pass with no answer, mentally trying to figure out where he could be at this moment.

At home. Definitely at home.

He could pick up the—

The call goes to voicemail mid-ring. Xiomara puts it down. It's past one in the morning, but she considers trying again.

Asleep. He's really fucking asleep!

###

As soon as she wakes up, bedsheets still wrapped around her body, sleep in her eyes, voice croaky, Xiomara feels around a bedside table before grabbing at her phone and unplugging it from the charger. She finds the phone number anyway and hits the button to call. It goes to voicemail. She waits ten minutes, gets up, brushes her teeth, puts the kettle on to make a cup of coffee. Then tries again. It rings three times, goes to voicemail.

She turns the kettle off and changes her clothes. It would be easier to go out and buy a coffee instead of making one, plus it gives her a chance to get out of the house.

She refuses to let him take his affection away from her without at least trying to fight. So a slow walk to and from Jimmy's Coffee a few blocks away. Then back in her apartment she tries his number a third time. Maybe he was still—.

The call goes straight to voicemail.

A panicked thump starts in Xiomara's chest.

Fuck.

Blocked?

The thought he could see her calling and not pick up the phone to talk to her, block her number instead of answer, lights up a rage inside.

I could log in to my phone account, add another line, just for a month or so, not long. Call him from that number instead. No, too much. I'll ask Maxine to call him. She won't do it. And Tamiko definitely won't do it—

Her phone starts to vibrate. She keeps a leap of hope down and looks at the display closely so she doesn't have a chance to fool herself in thinking he might be calling her back.

Mateo.

Xiomara sighs deeply, resigned. Clears her throat.

"Hey Pa,"

"Xiomara!" Mateo's enthusiasm for life was usually infectious. Today Xiomara wants to hang up immediately. "How are you?!"

"I'm well. How are you?"

"Oh, I'm great."

_Yea, you are, aren't you_. Xiomara thinks.

"So how are things? How's work? How are the girls?"

"Things are good, pretty much the same. Work is fine. Maxine and Tamiko are good."

"Ah. So you're giving me the parent treatment today..."

"Pa..."

"Oh, it's fine. I understand. Look I was just calling you because we're in the process of planning little Ava's birthday party and I wanted to let you know... You know, for your calendar."

"Ohh-kay?" Xiomara puts the call on speaker so she can open her calendar app.

"So we were thinking the first week in June—"

"What? What is she, getting married?"

"Xiomara! Stop, no this is a special one. She's turning 7 and it's on June 7th, we're going to celebrate a little. Plus it's Ale and Olivier's birthday parties too. So it's a big deal."

"That is nearly two months away."

"Well? I wanted to make sure you were free. You know, don't plan any trips out of town with the boyfriend."

"Mateo."

"Girlfriend? Whatever. Can you come?"

"Well, yea."

"Great, great." Mateo ignores her tone. "We're sending out save-the-dates in a couple weeks, then you should get a formal invitation."

"Wow, this is a big deal." In a new calendar appointment the first weekend in June she writes 'kids bday'. "I don't remember you planning any of my birthday parties." She says under her breath.

"Sorry, I didn't hear that?"

"Nothing. We'll be there."

## A REGULAR MONDAY

"How was your weekend?"

Maxine asks kindly as Xiomara squeezes around people on the streetcar to meet her friends seated in the back.

"Horrible. In all caps." A man sitting next to Tamiko gets up to offer Xiomara his seat, noticing that the three are in a conversation.

"Thank you," she says to him. "I basically didn't sleep, watched... YouTube videos... _How to Get Over the Guy_ and _What to do When You Get Dumped_. Guess what. Still not over him."

"Well—"

"That's enough," Xiomara interrupts Tamiko. "I don't want to talk about it. What's going on with you guys?"

"Yea, good question, Maxine what is going on with Angel?"

"Oh yes!" Xiomara also turns to Maxine. She was only able to catch snippets in the group chat. bits and pieces come back to her:

Heard him on the phone...

Plans to go to a movie...

Talking to some girl in the bathroom...

"Uh..." Maxine looks around again. "Let's try another topic. We'll discuss at lunch," She says. "Why do you people insist on putting our business out here on the streetcar?"

"What, you think people are listening to us? Please." Xiomara scoffs.

"She might have a point." Tamiko says. "I would listen."

###

"Alright people!"

Tamiko claps once to get a meeting at the Tarot PR office started. She and Xiomara are in the boardroom behind Maxine's desk, along with about half of the office. Lionel, the team developer, is there for a technical point of view. Brionna and Asia fill up on cups of popcorn and candy. Marcus behind them gets a scoop of M&M's.

"This juice will be for The Collective. Sugar; your first one but don't worry it'll super fun, super easy."

"And... Why a 'juice' session?" Sugar asks.

"Oh, because this is where we come up with the juicy ideas!"

"Yay!!!" A few people cheer. Lionel rolls his eyes.

"So the new client, The Collective. They are a spirituality-focused lifestyle company that creates a range of products and experiences: yoga mats, jewelry, infused water bottles, charcoal products, list goes on. Our approach--" Tamiko presses a button on a computer. Behind her a large screen shows a PowerPoint presentation. "Will be to get people talking about a few key topics, which we all know will lead to more searches. We've got search engines set up to lead back to product pages. So for today..." Tamiko clicks again, the slide changes on the presentation. "We will be coming up with some ideas for those topics--"

"I've noticed a lot of people talking about goat yoga lately...?" Sugar offers, trying to understand.

"Yes, that's the kind of thing we want to come up with here, that's been done but let's start thinking along those lines." Tamiko says.

"So our topics today are: meditation, intuition, rocks or crystals, manifestation, psychics. That last one is pretty broad, as most of them are."

A few people pull out their phones.

"Uh, can we... Look up what some of this stuff means?" Lionel says.

"Yea, like the rocks or crystals thing?" Asia adds.

"You know who we should have in the room? Lisa." Xiomara says. She looks through the glass wall of the boardroom to try and get her attention at the Tarot PR office front desk. "She knows all about this stuff."

"She does?" Tamiko asks, looking over. "I didn't know that."

When Lisa comes into the room and sees the topics on the screen she rubs her hands together eagerly, a smile crosses her face.

"Oh, this will be fun."

Lisa gives them all a short rundown of what the topics mean and their significance, the rocks especially. Tamiko starts writing on a large whiteboard that they use for brainstorming.

"Maybe I'll put a doc together and send it out to everyone. In the meantime, for today's juice, there's no order to any of this, let's just start throwing ideas out."

The room gets quiet, Karl passes by with headphones in her ears, her voice flows into the room. People look at the whiteboard and presentation, research on phones, think, chew on snacks and candy.

"It would be great if we could get a celebrity who talks about... A special rock or crystal they wear or carry around with them everywhere they go maybe?" Sugar says.

"Okay, here." Tamiko passes her a marker. She gets up to write the idea down on the whiteboard.

"I don't know, I think that would be good, but would it go viral?" Maxine asks. "I mean... A bunch of people will talk about it for sure, but..."

"Yea, it probably won't go viral viral..." Sugar adds. "It would be better if they have a story, like a crystal saved their life or something."

"Mmm," Maxine says. "That's good."

"Or if they have a crystal grid in their home." Lisa says.

"Okay, that's the advanced class." Xiomara says. "A what?"

"A crystal grid..." Lisa takes a marker from a bucket on the table and writes the words down beside what Sugar wrote. "Basically you can take these special stones and put them into a formation and that is supposed to help you with stuff, like making more money or attracting health."

"I'm just thinking about the logistics of something like that... We'd probably need video of them making this... grid?" Xiomara looks to Lisa, who nods. "And then they'd have to talk about whatever results they get..."

"Easy enough to do on Instagram. They don't even have to talk about results, just have them making the thing." Maxine says.

"That might go viral... 'Cause it's weird." Lionel mutters loudly.

"Alright, what else?" Tamiko asks.

"Oh, what if we look for people on social media asking for stuff, and send it to them? Hashtag manifestation?" Asia gets up to writes that one down on the whiteboard.

"We could have a couch in the middle of Yonge and Dundas? Hire a psychic to do free readings and invite people to sit... Share the juiciest bits?" That's one for Brionna.

"Hashtag?" Tamiko asks.

"Hashtag... The psychic couch." Brionna says.

The session continues for another hour, the ideas come slower and slower until it's time for lunch. The trio hang back to look at the whiteboard, full of ideas under 'psychics' and 'crystals'.

"What do y'all think..." Xiomara says once the door closes.

"A lot of this is... boring. I've seen it done before, especially that manifestation thing."

"Still... It could work for us." Tamiko sighs. "We'll have to change a lot of it, maybe do another session with just us... and Lisa. Lunch?!"

###

"Alright twins," Maxine says as they sit down at their table. "I have a plan."

"Can we talk about that twin thing? Why." Tamiko asks.

"What are you saying, you don't want to look like me?" Xiomara teases her.

"It's because I love you both the same..." Maxine says, a slight sarcastic tone in her voice.

Xiomara starts to laugh.

"And what do you mean, you have a plan?" Tamiko opens her lunch and sticks a fork in the bowl to mix it up.

"To catch Angel."

"What?" Xiomara asks, an opened serving of sauce hangs over her bowl. "Catch him what, like catch him on a date?"

"Yep," Maxine responds. "I unlocked his phone and found some text messages..." She bites into a burrito. "I don't even know why I'm eating, I'm not hungry." She puts it down, wipes her hands and mouth with a napkin. "The messages basically confirm what I heard him saying over the phone... about going to the movies."

"Maxine."

"I know. I'm doing it anyway."

"When's this supposed to happen?" Xiomara asks. She's not completely supportive of this plan, but at least for now she's not thinking about him. It helps her be able to play alive while the pain in her chest is still sharp.

"Friday, at 10. They're going to see Solo in Space at the Bankhead."

"The Bankhead? Nice." Tamiko says.

"Does this mean you're coming with?" Maxine asks.

"You want us to come with you?!"

"I'll come." Xiomara says. "It'll be a distraction, that's a guarantee."

"You're supporting this... asinine scheme?" Tamiko's blurting continues.

"Asinine. Okay." Maxine responds, nodding her head.

"Yes, asinine. Silly. Foolish. Absurd. Stupid. I thought you had more sense than this."

"Get a date of your own, then maybe I'll take relationship advice from you."

"Whoa!" Xiomara and Tamiko yell in unison. A group of women at a nearby table turn their heads in surprise.

"Well, I'm sorry!" Maxine whispers back loudly. "But honestly, if you're just going to judge me..."

"Okay, alright." Tamiko says, throwing her fork down. "You want me to support you, fine. But I'm not just going to go along with some plan you've hatched to catch this man — who has been perfectly kind to you and, I believe, perfectly honest — out on some date you've imagined he's going on without at least voicing my objections."

Maxine sighs deeply but Tamiko has already started up.

"By the way, why is it a big deal if he is going on a date? You all aren't in a relationship, right? Furthermore, if you're already suspicious of him, isn't that enough information? Why don't you just dump him and move on. That's easy enough for you. And I'd rather be single, than..."

She stops short of finishing that sentence, just nods her head in Xiomara and Maxine's directions. Say anything else, and she may eat lunch alone. The women at the next table keep their own conversation on pause, pretend not to listen in.

"So you're coming too? Good." Maxine says. "Meet at my place, six. We'll smoke and head out."

"This is great. This is gonna be good. Is there dress code? Should we wear all black?" Tamiko is being sarcastic, but Maxine ignores the tone.

"Actually, that's not a bad idea," she responds. "We should probably go pretty incognito. No heels. No makeup. No click-clack jewelry."

Xiomara laughs. "Bitch, you the one with the click-clack jewelry."

"Come on. Are we doing this for real?" Tamiko whines. "We're in our mid-thirties!"

"Speak for yourself."

"Tamiko kind of has a point though, what exactly did you see in these texts?" Xiomara asks.

"It was literally like, movie next Friday?" Maxine's head goes side-to-side to mimic a conversation between two imagined people.

"Sure, how about this movie. Then he says he wants to see Solo in Space and she's like, yes, in all caps."

"She? You confirmed this person is a she?"

Maxine goes silent. Tamiko and Xiomara both stare at her, chewing paused.

"So I searched the phone number," she says, very slowly. "And it came back to a woman's name. I'm pretty sure that same woman I showed you on Instagram..."

Xiomara sighs and continues to eat. She and Tamiko say nothing before Maxine continues.

"And I know what you're saying Tamiko, just leave him alone if I'm suspicious. But that doesn't solve anything. He still says he's only seeing me, that he wants to make things official, but I need to know if he's lying! For me. If I find out he's lying, then I know I'm right in ending things. But I need to know."

"And what, praytell, will you do if you find out he is seeing someone else?" Tamiko asks.

"Well then it's over!"

That's not what Tamiko means, but her question is besides the point. No amount of arguing or reasoning will make a difference, both she and Xiomara know that. This is something Maxine needs, either to prove to herself that she can trust her intuition. Or learn a lesson.

Maybe over the next week Maxine will change her mind or at least be triggered to not do this, Tamiko hopes. For now, it's better to change the topic.

"You guys sign up for a tarot reading yet?"

"Yes!" Maxine's lips turn down. "I'm at the end of the day. Hopefully she's not... tarot'd out. Xio, did I see your name last on the list?"

"Yea, it was the only one available. I don't mind."

###

After lunch an email comes in from a name Xiomara recognizes: Lindsay Yu, "Linds" from YAPR.

**Subject** : (:

Hey Xiomara,

So I was talking to Jolene the other day and it suddenly dawned on us how much we've been secretly impressed by Revel and what Orchid's been able to do over the past few years with your help. We had a Senior Account Director position open (Rachel left, will fill you in later) and we both thought of you immediately.

Are you looking? We'd have to chat, nothing super intense. Your stuff obvi speaks for itself. Let me know what you think, k?

Linds

-

Xiomara reads the email a second time. This isn't the first message like this that she's ever received.

Tarot is a small agency. They marketed themselves as the scrappy, neighbourhood "PR shop" (if there was such a thing) that treated clients like family, offered personalized service, the place where clients would get more for their money. Not like the big agencies. Not like YAPR.

YAPR is global. Sophisticated, big enough to take on large clients and act like a startup. She'd gone as high as she could go as account manager in her current role, and that position didn't even exist when she started at Tarot.

A senior account director position was at least two levels up from where she is now.

Lindsay is a personal friend, Xiomara knew the Rachel that left, so not only would this be a step up, but one at a dream agency to work for where she already had connections. They were the first agency to do four-day work weeks in Canada, and was part of a large co-working space with a gym and full kitchen.

Best of all it is guaranteed that she would have the opportunity to work on the socially conscious initiatives she'd always wanted to pursue. Clients working to end homelessness and hunger, mental health, ensuring clean water reaches the country's most remote communities.

Making a move is a no-brainer. But Tarot is also more than a job to her. The people she worked with are more than just coworkers.

And then there is Karl.

Xio: Did you guys know Rachel left YAPR?

A message in the group chat, then she sends a quick email back to Lindsay, not wanting to leave her waiting forever.

**Subject** : RE: (:

Hey Linds! Thanks for reaching out! I'm going to have to think about this one, just wanted to let you know I saw it. Will get back to you as soon as I know what I'm doing.

Lindsay writes back within five minutes:

**Subject** : RE: RE: (:

No prob! We'd love to have you! <3

The conversation continues in the group chat.

Max: No? Why? And no, didn't hear about Rachel... Actually haven't heard from her in a while...

Tam: Rachel's IG says she's in Belize (?!) I hope she knows she doesn't have a job anymore. What happened.

###

"That is amazing." Maxine says on their streetcar ride back home after Xiomara tells them about her message from Lindsay. They get seats in the back again, keep their voices low. "I would say take it... But you know Karl will never, never forgive you."

"Yea, and she won't make it easy, either." Tamiko adds.

"You'll pretty much make an enemy for life," Maxine says.

"It might be worth it." Xiomara wonders. "You think Karl ever let anyone stop her from moving up? Or starting Tarot?"

Maxine nods. "This is fact."

They all knew the story of how Karl started Tarot PR: the loans, the burned bridges, and then, The Lawsuit That Changed Everything.

"People thought it was just a fluke," Tamiko says, as a few people leave the streetcar and give them a little space. She lowers her voice a little and puts on an English accent to mock Karl's dramatic tone. "But I showed them! I did!" Xiomara and Maxine start to giggle. "And that's why, ladies, you mustn't be afraid to be the captain... Of your own ship!"

"Stahhhp." Xiomara begs.

"She does have a point..." Maxine says.

"Yep, she's absolutely right." Tamiko goes back to speaking naturally. "Maybe you should tell her that... When you quit." She says to Xiomara.

"Oh _yea_ ," Xiomara says, her voice heavy with sarcasm.

Tamiko starts to giggle. "If anything she'll probably hate you more for using her own lines against her. Stay far away from that, on second thought."

"Thanks for the advice, Madam Obvious."

"But seriously... Are you thinking of leaving?"

"No, but, I mean, I don't have to tell you guys there's no where else to go at Tarot... It would be amazing if we make somewhere else to go..."

"Like, how?" Maxine asks.

"I don't know, expand Tarot's offerings? Create a new department of some kind?"

Tamiko starts to aggressively shake her head side to side. "I mean, yes, you could? But that is how my whole leaving conversation started... I suggested we start using a new agency structure and she basically accused me of trying to take over Tarot."

"What?!" Xiomara and Maxine exclaim in unison.

"You never told us that!" Xiomara says.

"It didn't feel right to share that stuff, especially as we were trying to repair things... after all that went down."

"Damn. Karl?!"

"Yea. She's great when it comes to being a manager. She'll give you a promotion if you deserve it, go to bat for us," Xiomara and Maxine nod in agreement.

"And those Christmas and birthday gifts? Baby. But when it comes to her business: Do not."

## MEETING BY CHANCE

On Tuesday, the trio walks with Karl to a building on Spadina Avenue for a panel titled: How Viral Moments Happen. There's not much for Xiomara to do for the next few hours except be there for support, but she's grateful to not have to go home and do nothing except eat, turn the television on and watch her phone for anything from Ray.

She takes a seat in the room beside Tamiko and checks again. There's the first unanswered message, the one she sent Monday night. Then the second, sent this morning just after she woke up and realized he wouldn't be messaging her about the weekend.

Xiomara: I just want a chance to really talk. Can you get back to me?

Then a second message.

Xiomara: Really, Ray? We just broke up and you're already ignoring me?

She looks back at the texts as people fill the room and get snacks. The little checkmark that shows the text messages have been read. He was on his phone all day, every day, responded to everyone, including her, quickly. At least within five minutes.

Anyone could be a sale, he'd say.

"Hello everyone!" The bubbly moderator starts with a grin to the audience. People settle in their seats with snacks, beers, water and small glasses of wine. "Welcome to the 'How Viral Moments Happen' panel! We're going to have a great discussion over the next hour, I'm looking forward to it as I'm sure you all are..."

Xiomara throws the phone in her bag and crosses her legs, ready to appear as if she's paying attention.

"Oh, well, this is interesting..." Tamiko's words nudge Xiomara out of her thoughts. Over to the side of the stage, Malcolm stands beside Karl, along with a third person Xiomara doesn't recognize.

Malcolm's eyes look up to meet hers. He gives her a small smile, a wave.

Tamiko and Maxine both turn to her at the same time, Maxine leaning forward a little.

Applause starts. The moderator brings Karl and Malcolm on stage with the third person for the start of the panel.

"So for our first question," the moderator asks after they've taken their seats and giving a short introduction. "Karl, Tarot PR is known for making viral moments and turning that into sales for clients. So tell us, how do viral moments happen?"

The panel chuckles along with the audience. Karl lifts the microphone in her hand to answer.

"Well, that is part of our secret sauce, but it takes an understanding of what clients want, and an understanding of what viral means. I'd also say... Keeping our phones charged."

More polite laughter.

Xiomara should be paying attention, but a lot of it she's heard already. Half of her attention is on her phone when Karl speaks.

"Malcolm, BLT is a little newer to this space, but your team has made a name for it self... Why do you think that is?" Xiomara perks up, just a little.

He wears his locks in a low ponytail. From her seat a little to his left and slightly elevated from the stage, she can see biceps under a suit jacket, the bulge of a shoulder. No ring on his finger, though that means nothing. He's leaned back, arm on the armrest, but sitting up, fully in the conversation.

It's fine if I'm staring.

Every woman in the room is staring.

When it's his turn to answer, she hears him, but also notices how he engages everyone in the panel, and in the room. He's focused. Attentive...

"Yea, it's a good question. A lot of what we do other companies do, but I think... Partnerships with companies like Tarot PR," he looks into the audience, locks eyes on Xiomara and goes back to the moderator. "Have helped us make sure the products and experiences we make resonates, and goes back to clients."

Passionate.

Smart too...

Her phone buzzes, a text message. In those few seconds what happened on Friday went to the back of her mind. The message her new ex-boyfriend leaves can fit in the preview.

Ray: Don't think it's a good idea.

Xiomara re-reads the message, opens it just in case something else he wrote was missed while the moderator asks another question.

But no. Nothing was missed.

What does he mean, it's not a good idea?!

It takes a moment for her to realize he means calling her back, just having a conversation.

A round of applause brings her back to the room.

"You know? I just..." Malcolm leans forward in his seat, puts his elbows on his knees. Xiomara drops her phone back into her purse, her eyes fixed. "I hate to think about all the stuff we're making that will just end up in a landfill somewhere. It really... It actually really upsets me, so we're working on doing things differently at BLT. Creating swag that's not just better for the environment but good for us too, sure we can create new water bottles out of plastic water bottles, but if those end up back in the garbage, have we really done the best we can?"

More applause. This time Xiomara joins in.

"We're putting more resources into stuff that's truly creative, like, can we create swag that will completely disintegrate? Can we create something from stuff that people already have? How good can we get at reducing the garbage? I think this isn't just a challenge for us. It's a challenge for the whole industry."

A woman in a light-coloured blazer in front of Xiomara jumps up to applaud and a wave of a standing ovation starts with most people in the room. Malcolm blushes on stage. The Tarot team remains seated, along with a few others. He puts his hand up to say thanks and smiles shyly.

Their eyes meet again. His freckles seem to glow and Xiomara starts to wonder if he's the hottest man she's ever seen. He smiles at her. She smiles back.

"Mmm-hm!" Tamiko coughs beside her and chuckles in her throat.

###

"I didn't realize you were the Malcolm I've been hearing about lately..."

Tamiko, Maxine and Xiomara walk over to where Karl and Malcolm chat on stage after the panel ends. Around the room groups are gathered chatting, eating snacks and drinking.

"Seems you don't like to answer emails," Karl's eyebrows raise. At seeing Xiomara, Malcolm chuckles uncomfortably.

"Don't worry," she says. "I'm just teasing. Though I did like what you were saying there, about BLT and... Wanting to reduce the impact on the environment."

"Yea, making hats and pop sockets and onesies aren't cheap, you know? There's a... money cost, but there's a cost to the environment too..." He's a little less confident off the stage now. Hands are in his pockets, a sheepish look on his face. "I can get pretty... obsessive when it comes to these things."

"Oh, yes." Karl says. "Ladies, you've all met Malcolm, right?"

"Yep," Maxine says. "Just last week. It's like we keep running into each other."

"Actually, something you said got me thinking..." Tamiko says to him. "We're doing this whole thing for The Collective--" Malcolm nods his head, eyebrows go up in recognition.

"Ah, so you've heard of them... We're working with them on some projects around manifestation, intuition... They're a pretty conscious group, so maybe we can get a conversation going about doing something different than our usual stuff."

"Oh, excellent idea, Tamiko." Karl interjects. "The Collective, they are very conscious about everything. Very deliberate. Can I leave it to you all to connect?"

"Yea, I think... Xio's scheduled a call with them for this Thursday?"

Heads turn to look over at Xiomara.

Good ol' Tamiko and her mischief.

"Sure, yea, I could add your team in on the call..." Xiomara says to him. "As long as you're okay with responding to my messages..." Malcolm turns a little red, he's hot. She feels it too. A warm feeling in her chest, like something inside of her melts.

"Hey, yea... I'm really sorry about that—" He takes his hands out of his pockets.

"Oh, please, I'm teasing." Xiomara waves her hand at him.

"Get prepared, they can be a pretty relentless bunch." Karl says. "One employee — she's still with us, thank God — came to the office with braids and they called her Bo Derek for months! The poor dear... Well, Malcolm, it is good to meet you," Karl shakes his hand. "Ladies? I will see you tomorrow."

She leaves the office with a wave back to the group.

"I'll take that as my cue too..." Malcolm says. He reaches his hand out to Tamiko in the middle. "I don't think I got your name?"

"Tamiko." she says, they shake hands. "Nice to meet you."

"You as well. And Xiomara, right?"

Maxine and Tamiko laugh.

"Right."

"I guess we'll be staying in touch..."

"Yea, looking forward to it."

"Well." Tamiko says with a suggestive look on her face once he's out of earshot.

"I think he likes you." Maxine says to Xiomara.

"Oh, whatever. Look at this."

Xiomara pulls out and unlocks her phone, shows them the messages she exchanged with Ray in the last few hours.

"Just like that. He doesn't think it's a good idea."

"What do you want to talk to him about?" Maxine asks.

"I just want closure. He owes me that at least. Everything on Friday came out of nowhere."

"He doesn't owe you closure..." Tamiko starts.

"What?"

Maxine's eyes widen. Tamiko pulls back immediately at Xiomara's tone, not prepared to fight about this. She takes a deep breath in.

"Forget it." She exhales, shakes her head.

"No, what do you mean by, he doesn't owe me closure?" Xiomara checks herself, only a little.

"Forget I said it."

"You've gotta excuse me, okay? This isn't easy. I'm completely alone now. We're not going to see each other this weekend. We're not going to see each other ever. I told him I love him. I'm hurt."

"You're not alone." Tamiko says evenly. "You have us."

A pause falls over the group.

"You know what?" Tamiko continues, her voice kinder now. "Take the week and the weekend. Relax. Do whatever you can to get through. I know you're hurt, but you're not broken. This won't be forever."

"Alright..." Maxine steps up. "This is getting intense."

"I'm going to head home. I'm exhausted." Xiomara says. "I'll see you guys tomorrow."

Maxine reaches out for a hug before she has a chance to turn around. Tamiko puts her arms out. "We good?"

Xiomara rolls her eyes. "Yea, we're good." She returns the hug, waits for Tamiko to let her go.

###

"Happy Thursday, everyone, thanks for dialling in," Xiomara starts the conference call with the team from Tarot, The Collective and a few people from BLT. Another beep sounds over the line.

"Sorry, who just came on?"

"It's David! From BLT! Sorry for being late."

"Thanks David. Should we go around and do some introductions?"

Xiomara puts the phone on mute while the team from BLT introduces themselves to The Collective. She can't help but check for anything from Ray, even though that last message said it all. The introductions are over and she pays attention to the call again.

"Thanks, guys. Cynthia and team, I know I put a little information in the invite, but you might be wondering why BLT is in on the call... Tamiko, Maxine and I were at a panel earlier this week where Malcolm was talking about some of the stuff they're doing... They are really looking to do some creative and innovative work when it comes to creating merchandise and swag. Malcolm, correct me if I'm wrong on any of this."

"No, no, all that is right on, thank you Xiomara. We are hoping to really make a strong impact and be conscious of what we create, so, excited to be working with you all."

"Yes, with what they're doing at BLT, we could have an opportunity to create a real unique viral moment," Xiomara adds.

"Oh, that sounds lovely," Cynthia from The Collective says. "We're very excited to be working with you all too...".

Tamiko takes over to discuss some of the ideas Tarot PR has come up with. A few questions come from The Collective about some of the details, but then the call is thrown over to Maxine who talks about how Tarot will work to make the ideas happen, and the attention they could get from celebrities, blogs and news coverage. Then the call goes back to Xiomara who talks about the kinds of swag they could create for viral moments, with the help of BLT. There's a short review of the budget and the call ends.

Xiomara goes for a second cup of coffee in the kitchen, comes back to her desk as her phone rings. The number is familiar, but not saved. She steps into the small boardroom behind Maxine's desk for privacy.

"Hey Xiomara, it's Malcolm."

Swallow coffee.

"I just wanted to give you a call... Hello?"

She unmutes the phone. "Hello! Yes, I'm here." Her voice comes out in a rasp. She hits the mute button again and gives her throat a cough to clear it.

"Okay... You okay?"

"Yep! Yep, I'm... I'm good."

"Okay, well I was calling you because... Well I wanted to reach out and apologize to you for the way I acted over that whole Revel thing... Ignoring your messages and then... Being a little short with you. There was no need for that and I'm sorry."

"Oh..." Xiomara is surprised. She wasn't expecting a call and definitely wasn't expecting an apology. "Well you... You already apologized, so..."

"I also wanted to say thanks for shouting BLT out on that call with The Collective. You didn't need to do that and I appreciate it. So... Thanks."

"Oh, well... You don't need to thank—"

"No, I do. I wasn't very nice to you and—"

"Malcolm," she interrupts him. "Please. That wasn't about you. That was about The Collective. The more I can do to make you look good to them, the better _we_ look. So... You're welcome, I guess."

"Oh. Uh... Okay, that... Sure. Makes sense."

"So Tamiko was thinking... Next week we're doing a brainstorming session, just us here at Tarot. What do you say? Come to the office and show us what you got?"

There's a pause on his end. Xiomara takes another sip of coffee and tries to clear her throat quietly again.

"Yea, we should be able to do that."

"Great. Will send your team an invite."

## TAROT BY FEME

"Yo, lady!"

Xiomara looks up from her desk in a near empty Tarot PR office to see Maxine.

"Your turn! Message me after, let me know how it goes."

Xiomara gathers her bag and heads to the smaller boardroom at the other end of the office.

"Hello," a woman stands to greet her. "Nice to meet you, I'm Feme Bo." Her voice is soft, deep. A heavy French accent that sounds like a soothing river.

"Fem-me?"

"Yes, Feme. What's your name?"

"Xiomara."

"Ah, beautiful name!"

"Thank you..." The façade of being in a corporate office dissolves in Feme's presence. There are three decks of cards and candles set out on a tablecloth with a design of stars and a moon on it, on a table that usually holds devices and notebooks for the work that happens in the office during the day. A smoky smell in the air; not marijuana but something like it. She follows Feme's guidance to sit at a seat that's been pulled out beside her at the head of the table.

Feme eyes Xiomara closely.

"I did this before, but I think it would be a good idea if we pray together. Do you mind? Just before we get started?"

Xiomara shakes her head to say yes, realizing that may mean she does mind, she says: "No, I don't mind."

Feme takes both of Xiomara's hands and bows her head. Xiomara follows lead.

"Archangel Michael, Guides, Guardians, thank you for being with us today as we connect. Thank you to Xiomara's spirit guides and guardians. Let this reading be for the highest good of Xiomara, myself and everyone else involved. Amen."

"Amen," Xiomara copies what she used to do in church.

This could be research for the collective, she thinks. Maybe I could turn this into a viral...

For now work must take a backseat. There is a more urgent issue.

"So do you have a question or would you like me to just give you a general reading?"

"I have a love question... About someone... An ex."

Xiomara spent the last hour at her desk researching tarot readers and the kinds of questions to ask. She wrote the question down, rewrote and reworded to come up with the perfect one, but it doesn't come out the way she expects.

"What's his name?" Feme asks.

"Ray... We broke up recently, and now he refuses to talk to me..."

"Mmm... Yes... Was it... Did he initiate the breakup? What is it about something... That has to do with your head?" Feme asks while she starts slowly shuffling some cards.

"Well, he gave me a helmet for his motorcycle a couple weeks ago..." Xiomara's voice starts to waver.

Feme raises out of her seat to get a box of tissues that's sitting on a credenza along the wall underneath a television they use to display presentations and video.

Huh. I guess Maxine didn't need any tissues.

Xiomara pulls one out of the box.

"Thank you... I want to know what it will take for us to get back together. "

"Are you alright?"

Xiomara nods her head to say yes.

"Okay. So, just so I'm clear, your question is about what it will take for you and this man... Ray... To reconnect in a romantic way. Is that what you're asking?"

Xiomara nods again to say yes.

"And have you ever seen someone like me before?"

Xiomara shakes her head to say no.

"Alright, let's get started. I'm going to shuffle the cards..." Feme begins to shuffle with more purpose. Her fingers move over the cards deftly, the sound of the cards hitting against each other fill the air. She stops, organizes the cards back into a neat pile.

"So now, you'll do something that's called 'cutting the deck'. Just make two piles with your right hand."

"Like this?" Xiomara has seen this somewhere before too. She picks up about half of the cards and puts the new stack down so it lines up beside the other cards.

"Perfect."

Feme takes the stack and puts it underneath the other group of cards. Anticipation fills Xiomara's chest as Feme starts to flip over a few of the cards on the table, one after the other until there are five cards facing her, some up right to Xiomara, others upright to Feme. None of the symbols mean anything to Xiomara.

"There's something here about keeping secrets... The people around you know a little bit about how you feel, but not everything."

She flips over another card from the deck, shows an image of triangles across clouds to Xiomara and puts it underneath the first of the cards in the row. "Your heart is hurting... You have to forgive— I know it's not easy," Feme looks at Xiomara. "But you have to try. There are cords of attachment here, but they're only going from you to this man, Ray. It looks like... He's moved on."

"What?"

"Cords of attachment. Here—" Feme misunderstands the look on Xiomara's face for confusion.

She pulls out a business card from inside her bag and writes something in large swoops on the back of it. Xiomara looks down and sees 'cords of attachment' in cursive writing.

"Look it up. You're still in pain, thinking about this man every day, neglecting your friendships, your work—"

"I'm not neglecting my work. Or my friends."

"Work can mean more than one thing here, it could be job, could be your inner work... In this context."

She flips over another card, lays it underneath the first card she'd pulled out of the deck.

"Yea, he doesn't feel the same way about you... I'm sorry." She glances up at Xiomara again. This was the second time Feme had said something like that. Each time a dagger with a serrated edge inches deeper in Xiomara's chest.

Moved on... That can't be possible...

"Can you try again?"

"To shuffle the cards?" Feme asks.

Xiomara nods, but Feme shakes her head to say no. "I can, but... the cards might be different, but the message will be the same."

"What if I... Go to another card reader or whatever... Will they say something different?"

"It's not so much about the reading, it's about the message for you. Telling yourself the truth. You can go to as many readers as you like, but that won't change anything in reality."

Xiomara is quiet. There was that phrase: the truth.

She hears Tamiko's words again: Is this what you want?

"Ok, let's see if we can get more information..." Feme continues.

A tear falls. Xiomara doesn't want to hear any more about how Ray has moved on, but can't muster the nerve or courage to ask Feme not to talk about him.

"Things at your job are going well... You've got a lot of opportunities. But there's no point in thinking about this other guy at all." Feme says. She flips over another card. A small, flirtatious smile comes over her face. "You're going to be busy. In your love life, if you want it."

There are no dry sides to the tissue in Xiomara's hand.

"Are you just telling me that to make me feel better? Because don't--" She starts to put her hand up, not wanting to hear any of that either.

"No, absolutely not!" Feme gestures to the cards as if to prove her point. "It's all here, you can have a wonderful love life. But you have to heal from this Ray... Not the one for you right now, and he probably won't ever be. If you want me to answer your question, I don't see how you would end up together. I get that there was an attraction but I'm getting also that he's not really ready for the kind of relationship you want."

She taps at the triangle card again.

"If you two do get back together neither of you would be happy. You have to move on."

Xiomara pulls another tissue out of the box. Feme waits before continuing.

"There are lots of options coming in. I get that your challenge will be to tell who is the right one... There's a lesson here, with this situation that's causing you so much pain. Learn the lesson, then the love will come. But you have to be open first... Also," Feme looks down at the final two cards spread out in front of them. "You've got some of your own intuition, I mean we all do, but you can use your skills to help you. Pay attention to your dreams or daydreams, anything that feels like... like someone is telling you a story."

Feme looks at her phone to check the time.

"We've got a few more minutes left, do you have any specific questions for me now?"

They all come at once: how do I cut these cords, what do I do now, has he really moved on, how could he have moved on so quickly, who with, how do I find her.

But Feme isn't going to give her those answers, so Xiomara shakes her head to say no and the session ends.

"Can you show me how to exit the office?" Feme asks.

"Oh, yes, of course," Xiomara gets up, straightens her top and throws the tissues away in a garbage can by the door of the boardroom while Feme packs her cards, the tablecloth and other tools.

"Thank you for the reading..."

She shows Feme out of the office. The words she heard during the session are disturbing and have a chance to fully sink in once Xiomara is in the office alone.

Xiomara does not want other options. She wanted to hear Ray is in love with her, that he is going to come back, that they can pick up where they left off. She wants to hear that Julianne is wrong, but everything Feme said was the opposite to what she wanted to hear.

###

Max: Well? What did Feme say???

Xiomara locks the Tarot PR office door and dismisses the message.

She knows what she could do to find the answers Feme couldn't give her, and also knows that if she does this, it will cross a line that will be hard to come back from.

Outside the sky is cloudy, threatens rain. She unlocks the office door again to grab an umbrella, then goes back in the elevator and hangs in the lobby of the building to wait for a streetcar. The app says she has six minutes.

She opens Instagram, looks through her feed for any recent updates from Ray, then searches his profile. It shows no new posts since one he shared the day before Revel, at his friend's home around a large dining room table. Xiomara saw and liked the picture, along with hundreds of other profiles.

I don't know any of these people, she thinks looking at the strange faces attached to the profiles of others who liked the photo and commented. That new girl, whoever she was could have been hidden in one of those likes or comments, or she could be the one taking the picture.

She scrolls through the list of tho who had hit 'like', trying to get any evidence of but the app tells her she has one minute. She locks the phone and opens the umbrella to hurry to the stop.

At home with a glass of wine, she tries calling Ray one more time instead of responding to the group chat. Again, her call is sent straight to voicemail.

But he still hasn't blocked her on Instagram. He doesn't have Facebook, so she goes to Twitter. No updates either places for the last couple days. For a moment she allows herself to imagine he's as upset as she is over the breakup. But she can't ignore what she heard from Feme.

He's moved on... Feme's voice is fresh in Xiomara's mind.

Doesn't feel the same way about you...

Cut these cords...

After having completely searched online, she goes back to the group chat. Both Tamiko and Maxine pinged her while she was deep in research.

Xio: She told me Ray has moved on.

Xiomara finishes the glass of wine and moves to the kitchen to get a second. Her phone buzzes three times. She looks up at the ceiling, takes a deep breath. Knows that none of those notifications have come from Ray, the only person she wants to hear from right now.

Max: That can't be it.

Max: Did she explain?

Tam: What else did she say?

Xiomara types quickly.

Xio: She said I have to get over Ray. I'm going to bed, will talk to you guys tomorrow.

## TAMIKO SEES DR. ROSALYN

"So how was your week?"

Tamiko settles in on the couch at Dr. Rosalyn's office.

"Great! Work's getting busy, but things are good."

"That's good. How did the challenge go?"

Tamiko's face drops.

"Ah ha," Dr. Rosalyn laughs. "I see."

"I completely forgot about that..."

"Huh. Forgive me for doing the typical therapist thing, but why do you think you forgot?"

"To be honest, I don't know if this is something I can do..." Tamiko shuffles in her seat. It's become less comfortable in the few minutes since she sat down.

"That's the point of a challenge." Dr. Rosalyn squints her eyes slightly. "And, let's get some perspective here, the challenge was just to smile at someone, guy or girl, in passing. You smile every day. Or every other day?"

Tamiko chuckles, still nervous. "I get that, but... Even this week, I met a tarot reader who proved this isn't something I can do."

"Context, please."

"So this week a tarot reader came to the office, for a work thing. I had a session with her and she told me that I've lost my spark."

"What does that mean? And even if she did say you've lost your spark, why does that mean that you can't do the challenge?"

"Well it's not that I can't do the challenge, it's that it's going to be hard for me, because I've lost my spark."

"Have you ever heard the phrase 'arguing for your limitations'...? Alright, let's unpack this a little. You said this tarot reader told you you lost your spark?"

"Yes."

"And you agree with... him... her?"

"Her, yes. I agree."

"When in your life did you have your spark?"

"I don't know... When I was a kid maybe, in my twenties a little. For about a couple days."

"Ah, so all that stuff we talked about... With the ex-boyfriends. That's when—"

"That's around when I shut down."

Dr. Rosalyn writes something down on a notepad in front of her.

"So we've established that you had a spark at one point," she continues. "And then some not-so-great things happened—"

"Some shitty things."

"Yes, some 'shitty' things as you say, happened. The point is, you did have this spark at one point, right?"

"Right."

"Did the tarot reader say you can never get this spark back? Did she say it's gone for the rest of your life?"

"Well, no—"

"Let's step away from this tarot reader and what she said for a moment. Do you feel like you can never get this spark in your life back?"

Tamiko sits in quiet confusion. If she says yes, was there any hope? And what would happen to all of her walls? The things she uses to protect her self?

If she says no... Why be here at all?

"I don't know," she says. "I have no idea if I can get that spark back or not."

"Excellent."

"Excellent?"

"Yes. Because now we can conduct a little experiment."

The doctor gets up from her chair and walks over to her desk. She pulls out a new notebook and a pen.

"Do you keep a journal?" She asks Tamiko.

"No."

"Ok, well, consider this your new journal." She walks around the desk and hands Tamiko the book and pen. "I want you to write the answers to your questions down so you don't forget them. And we'll write down the details of the exercise so that this time, you remember."

Dr. Rosalyn goes back over their conversation about 'spark', giving Tamiko time to write down her answers.

"Now, here's what I want you to think about. You're going to get two assignments this week since you didn't do the last one," she smiles. "The first thing I want you to do, is try to tap into that woman who had her spark again. Pretend to be her doing activities that you would consider safe. Does that make sense?"

Tamiko finishes writing down the instruction. "Kind of?"

"Let's take cooking at home. Pretty safe, right? No strange men?"

"Not for a few years now."

"Okay, so pretend to be the woman you were while you cook. Pretend to be Tamiko With The Spark. How would she do it? Would she smell spices instead of just throwing them in the pain? Would she be on the phone talking to someone? Set a nice place at the table?"

Tamiko scribbles down every word.

"Then I want you to pretend to be Tamiko With The Spark when you're out and do what we talked about last week. Smile at someone, say good morning, afternoon or evening. Remember this doesn't have to be that serious, go with the flow. And the most important thing— you should write this down."

Tamiko gets her pen ready.

"Have fun with this."

Tamiko blinks twice.

"You're not going to...?" Rosalyn gestures to the pen and paper.

"Uh... yes..."

So silly, she thinks.

"Good. Now we have a few minutes left..." The doctor sits back in her chair, makes another note. "Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"Nope, I think I've got enough work for the next few weeks."

"Great. And I want you to start journaling. Add that to your homework. See you on the 28th? Same time?"

On her way home she thinks about the new challenges and her new notebook, now bouncing around in her bag. The obedient student inside of her is determined to come back to Rosalyn's office for the next session having completed both assignments, and with a bunch of new entries in her diary. The Tamiko Who Lost Her Spark wants to skip their next session and never see her therapist again.

## THE CONFRONTATION

When Maxine opens the door to find Tamiko and Xiomara, the laughter starts immediately. All three of them are wearing some variation of the same thing: black, high-waisted stretch jeans, black shoes and black t-shirts.

"Is this going to work?" Xiomara asks, looking at her two friends. "We're going to stand out..."

"Oh please, no one will notice us," Maxine responds. "Here." She passes a lit joint to Tamiko and a drink to Xiomara.

"You sure you want to do this?" Tamiko asks.

"Yep."

"And we can't say anything to change your mind?" Xiomara says.

"Nope."

"Alright. What's the plan."

"I was thinking, Tamiko, you should go into the theatre and check it out." Maxine says.

"Me?!"

"Yes, you! Angel's only met you once, he knows Xiomara. He'll recognize her for sure if he sees her."

Tamiko throws her head back and groans in protest.

"You're coming, you might as well do it!"

"Fine! Shut up. I'll do it. Give that back to me—"

Tamiko grabs the joint from Maxine's fingers.

"Then, once you find him—"

"What movie are they seeing again?" Tamiko asks.

"Solo in Space. At ten." Xiomara and Tamiko both peer at her. "I took a picture of the messages on his phone."

"Jesus." Xiomara says under her breath.

"Don't bring him into this." Tamiko tells her.

"Ok, so Solo is playing in theatre seven at that time... So that should make it easy for you."

"So what am I supposed to do, check where they're sitting or something?"

"Yes, go in there, look around to see if you see him, then tell us where he is once they've settled down. We'll come into the theatre afterwards. Hopefully they sit near the front and we can watch them... He likes to sit near the front."

"You should probably also get us seats," Xiomara turns to Tamiko. "Can you get me an aisle, please? Preferably near the door?"

"Shut it, you. What about tickets?" She asks Maxine.

"Already got 'em. Here..." Xiomara and Tamiko watch her until their phones vibrate, one ticket being transferred to each of them.

"You should start a spy business. Then you could expense stuff like this." Xiomara says.

"Ok, so I basically go in, watch them until they're seated?" Tamiko asks.

"Yes. Just use the group chat to send updates."

They chat awkwardly, try to stay away from what they're going to do until Xiomara says: "It's 9:40."

Tamiko and Maxine stop, eyes widen.

A thump hits in Maxine's chest. On the way in an Uber she is quiet, convinced that if she says a word, vomit will spew out of her mouth.

At The Bankhead she can hardly move.

Tamiko heads inside, armed with one of the rare photos of himself Angel has on his Instagram so she knows what to look for. The main area of the theatre is a bank lobby that has been converted with ceilings at least two stories high. Ticket holders play video games inside a large vault along one wall, visit the snack stand and chit chat as they wait before going in.

Angel's ponytail gets her attention almost immediately. He isn't tall, but stands out in the line to get snacks with a very attractive woman beside him. She backs out of the theatre facing the two in case they move or turn around, snaps a photo and sends it to the group chat.

Max: Yep. That's him.

Angel and his date move up in the line and walk to the theatre with popcorns and candies.

Tam: Snacks are bought looks like they're going straight in.

It's just after ten. She follows, watches the two take seats in the middle of the front section, as Maxine said.

Tam: Seated. Meet at the snack stand.

"Like a frigging Cheaters episode..." Tamiko mutters under her breath when they regroup, but she holds back at noticing the clouded look on Maxine's face. "There's an entrance on the south side, we should go in that way, it's darker..."

Maxine turns to go to the theatre, leaving Xiomara and Tamiko behind. They shoot each other a look and follow her in to the theatre, careful to be quiet and go unnoticed.

They take seats halfway towards the back, close enough to Angel so Maxine can see what he does. The movie is over in two hours and eleven minutes. Tamiko is actually interested in the story, it went way beyond what she'd seen in previews, but Maxine is focused on the back of Angel's head. There's laughing. Every time their heads lean over to talk to each other, her back goes up. They start to chatter about something, loud enough for Maxine to hear. Xiomara looks up from her phone, tempted to tell them to be quiet but keeps her mouth shut.

The movie ends and an invisible surge of energy goes through Maxine, transfer to Xiomara and Tamiko. The three get up after Angel and his date exit.

"Come on," Maxine says. "Let's go."

They find the two in the hallway, a little back from the rest of the crowd leaving the theatre.

"Hey Angel," Maxine shouts. He turns, clearly surprised that someone he knows is behind him. Tamiko and Xiomara's stomachs flip at the same time.

"Hey, Angel," Maxine repeats as they get closer. Her voice turns sweet. "How are you?"

"Maxine? Hey! What are you—" He walks back towards the three with a wide smile at her, the woman he's with hangs back. By instinct, Tamiko reaches her hand out to stop Maxine but she is too far away.

"What am I doing here? I could ask you the same question." She tries to sound more casual than she feels. Her head is to a side, but her back is rod-straight.

"Wait... What's going on here, did you... did you follow me—"

"Yea," Maxine shrugs. "I did."

The woman's eyes go wide. A couple coming out of another theatre turn around at hearing the last bit of their conversation. An amused look comes over Angel's face.

"So you think there's something dishonest going on—". He gestures back to the woman, now watching the scene in awe.

Maxine sighs in frustration. "Don't. Spare me the lies, Angel. I saw that photo."

"What the fuck are you talking about?!"

"THIS!" Maxine's calmness dissolves. She pulls out her phone and shows Angel and the woman. They look at a screenshot. Angel reaches out to get the phone but Maxine pulls her hand away. Xiomara steps up to take Maxine's arm.

"Jesus you really—"

"Angel, let me..." The woman says. Maxine's eyes are wild, take in the stranger from head to toe, her nose flares once as she looks at the woman from the side of her eye.

"First, my name is Sadie, I'm Angel's sister. That's my fiancé's hand— Angel and my fiancé are friends... They all got that tattoo back when they graduated high school, like about five or six of them."

Sadie opens her mouth to say more, but purses her lips, looks back at her brother. Angel looks at Xiomara, says nothing, just shakes his head and closes his eyes in disappointment. Behind them, the couple stands under lights for a movie poster, watching and finishing a large bag of popcorn between them.

Tamiko steps up, pulls Maxine's arm to pull her back.

"Okay, this was a mistake... Thank you for clearing that up. I think..." She turns back to Maxine's fallen face. "I think we should all just... take a break, go our separate ways."

"Sadie... Let's go." Angel lets his sister ahead of him before turning around and leaves Maxine staring at his back as they walk away.

"I'm sorry!" She yells before they're able to get down the escalator. "Angel?"

He waves a hand without looking back.

"Shit! Fuck!" Maxine starts to whisper. She folds one arm across her body and rubs her forehead with the other hand. "I fucked up..."

Xiomara and Tamiko each take hold of one of Maxine's arms. She says the words faster, over and over again.

"Can we help you?" Xiomara says to the couple, who run off at being noticed. She turns to make eye contact with anyone else who might be staring, but they are alone.

"Oh my God, oh my God... I fucked up... you guys—" Maxine starts to shake.

"Come on." Tamiko says. "Let's get out of here."

Xiomara worries that Angel and Sadie will be downstairs, fears an awkward second meeting, but they get back to an empty lobby. As they exit the building someone locks the doors behind them immediately.

Maxine breathes in sharply, so sharply Xiomara and Tamiko watch her. A tear lands on the front of her shirt, absorbs into the fabric. Xiomara and Tamiko rub her back, try to find calm, soothing things to say but there is nothing. They stand in silence while Tamiko gets an Uber.

"Car will be here in two minutes..."

"You were right, about him... about what I should have done," Maxine says to her. Xiomara and Tamiko stay quiet. "Tamiko, I gave you shit but..." a sniff, wipe. "You have common sense, that's more than me right now."

Tamiko waits a beat.

"So you wanna stop off at a sex store?"

Xiomara blinks as if something is in her eye, Maxine's jaw goes slack. Loud laughter from each of them erupts suddenly, can be heard from one end of the block to the other. The Uber pulls up and they all get in, still laughing. But the second it starts to subside, Maxine's tears fall.

"You guys. I fucked up sooo... bad."

Xiomara and Tamiko keep rubbing her back. It is true, they do not need to say it. "Why didn't I listen to you guys! Fuck! And that tarot reader too!" Maxine is doing the talking for them. Says the things they won't say because they need to be nice right now.

Xiomara should resist the urge to ask questions, but she can't.

"You guys didn't talk about that tattoo?" She asks.

"Noooo," Maxine groans. "I noticed it, but it's a tattoo," Maxine shrugs. "Never came up... Guess it doesn't matter now."

They ride quietly the rest of the way to Flashlight, a bar in Maxine's neighbourhood with a patio. She leads them to the back, the furthest table she can find in a corner away from everyone else at the restaurant. Blue, green and yellow lanterns hang from a tree growing in the middle of the outdoor space. Noise from a busy Queen street floats down the side street and over a large fence to their table. A pitcher and three plastic cups land between them. Xiomara pours.

"I should have asked him about that picture at least, done it in private. Why the fuck didn't I just show him the picture and ask?" Maxine takes the cup closest to her and starts guzzling.

"Whoa!" Tamiko says to her.

She stops drinking, wipes at her mouth with her fingers.

"You were asking, but you didn't think he was being honest." Xiomara reminds her.

"Ugh..." Maxine wipes at her face one last time. "That was fucked up. I'm sorry to have brought you guys into this shit... This was horrible."

"Don't worry about it," Xiomara says.

"Twins, are you pissed?" Maxine asks. She'd pulled both of them into this, one more unwillingly than the other. If Tamiko got up and walked away right now she wouldn't be surprised.

"Yea, but not at you..." Tamiko says. "I feel like..." She looks off to a group that sits at a table a few feet away from them.

"Like, what the fuck are we doing? Do you realize, we've been sitting around trying to figure out these... dudes for months?" She points to Xiomara. "You've been a mess over Ray for way longer than you should have."

Then she points to Maxine. "And you've been..." Her hand waves her hands in the air hopelessly. "Shouldn't this be easier?"

"So you're tired of us?"

"No, Maxine. This is why I didn't even want to say this. Look around." The women stare at Tamiko, unsure of what she's telling them to do.

"Seriously! Look! Those two over there." Xiomara and Maxine turn around to see two men at a table in t-shirts and jeans. Just then another group of men walk by on the other side of the patio fence. A thin Asian man with hair pushed back by a band and long limbs, another wearing his pants sagged just a little, tattooed cat's tail peeks out from under the sleeve of his t-shirt, their friend behind them seeing the group throws a wink.

"And over there," Tamiko looks to her left, they follow her gaze. A group of four men, sprawled out in a booth just inside the patio. One with a well-developed arm on the bench, smooth, dark skin, a sparkle in his eye.

"We're literally surrounded by men," she says in a low voice. "Sure some of them are gay, unavailable, not interested, but why are we obsessing over these two? There's men all over. We should be having fun, not sitting here apologizing, upset and crying and shit."

"But Tamiko," Maxine shakes her head. "I didn't mess things up with some guy, Angel was... we were..."

"Yea, and what did you learn from this?" Tamiko asks.

Maxine sits back. "That I shouldn't be dating at all."

"Maybe it means you take a moment, figure out how to fix your own stuff. You heal for some time, but you don't have to stop dating. Figure out your trust issues, maybe don't do any serious dating for a while. Maybe you just..."

Tamiko pauses. She's not quite sure what to say next, not sure that she has the right words.

"I've been talking to my therapist about this actually... She gave me a challenge to just smile at someone, not take stuff so seriously. We should all be doing that. I mean, I've got some work to do to... I can probably—"

"Stop rolling your eyes at any guy who even glances at you." Maxine says.

"Yes—"

"Be nice, men are humans too..." Maxine offers again.

"Let go of the past..." Xiomara says. "Ha."

"Yes, yes, you're both right, thank you. I'm starting to wonder, if Feme was right about Maxine, maybe she was right about everything? Look, none of us need anything serious right now. Things at work, and then there's the afterparties and Caribana coming up... Let's just start fresh."

They both look over at Xiomara. While Tamiko was speaking she finished her glass and topped the table up, emptying the pitcher.

"Well?"

"So what are you suggesting, a hoe phase? Issa? Is this, like, is this a season of Insecure we're living in?" Xiomara asks.

"Sure. Maybe? I'm saying we try to put our issues aside and just... lighten up. Feme told me I have options... If I make some changes."

Maxine puts her forehead down on her arms. "Yea, she said that to me too..." She speaks to the ground. "She said things with Angel might not work out."

"Said the same thing to me," Xiomara says, finishing her drink.

"So?!" Tamiko's enthusiasm ticks up. "Let's explore our options!"

Stock options. Xiomara thinks.

She is not ready for this. Ray's feed was there with her in the Uber on the way to The Bankhead, then inside the theatre, while she was waiting for the movie to end. She thinks of what he's doing even now, while half-listening to Tamiko.

He posted after the movie started and one woman liked the photo. She saw that same woman like each of his photos recently. Then there were two other strange women commenting and liking as well. She wants to go home, find out who these people are, if he follows them and has liked any of their photos. But she's not going to tell her friends about this.

"Yea... Fine," Xiomara says. "I'm down."

"Nice! Another pitcher?"

Xiomara and Maxine nod.

Maxine's phone buzzes and she goes for it immediately. Both know what she's looking for. The disappointment on her face pains them both, they know what that feels like.

"How are you really feeling?" Tamiko asks.

"Embarrassed." She says, shoving the phone back into her purse and taking a big gulp of cider. "Ashamed." Tears starts to form along the rims of her eyes. She picks up her bag, starts to dig through for the phone that she just threw inside. Xiomara and Tamiko watch as she throws it back in, frustrated.

"Ugh!" She grunts

"Stop. You're going to drive yourself crazy." Tamiko tells her. "Take a breather, call him tomorrow and apologize when you're clear-headed."

Maxine nods her head with uneasy resolve.

"Honestly," she says. "I will do anything to move past this right now. Absolutely anything. A hoe phase sounds perfect."

"That's not—"

"I know, I know." Maxine submits before Tamiko starts up again.

They sit quietly for a while, sip their drinks.

"Ok, Tamiko, you really want to be about this life?" Xiomara asks. "There's a guy over there who's been looking over... Why don't you kick us off?"

Now it's Tamiko's turn to freak out, but instead of getting anxious, she remembers Dr. Rosalyn's voice.

Pretend to be Tamiko With The Spark.

Don't take it so seriously.

Tamiko knows if she can do this, Xiomara and Maxine are more likely to follow her lead. But right now she has to show up.

It's just for fun. Just for fun... She thinks. If there's rejection just smile it off, move on, just for fun.

She looks over at the table Xiomara pointed out and smiles at the guy sitting closest to them.

"Cheers," she says, raising her glass.

"Cheers," the guy responds, copying her.

"There." She turns back to the group. "Done. We're doing this."

"Oh, it looks like we are," Xiomara says, watching as the two guys walk over.

"Did you guys just rob a bank?" He asks.

"Uh... You could say that." Tamiko says.

Maxine and Xiomara raise their eyebrows at her, give each other a look.

"We've got some hot robbers on our hands!" The second guy says, which makes them all laugh, corny as he sounds.

"I'm Mike," the first one says to Xiomara, putting his hand out.

"Xiomara," she responds with a wary look as they shake hands.

"Ah, Xiomarrra!" He lets the 'r' roll a little too much. "I've been learning Spanish."

The other guy picks up a conversation with Maxine and Tamiko.

"Really." She says, not interested.

"Yea, could always use someone to practice with...?"

"Ah, well maybe I can introduce you to my tía."

"no hablas español?"

"No. That was Spanish, did I say that right?"

"Ah, that's too bad..."

"Meh. I spoke a little when I was younger, but..." She shrugs.

Mike's brown eyes take in Xiomara's shoulders, then wander down. He stands shorter than Ray, smells like him. His energy feels warm, in the way familiar energy does.

"Can I get your number? Or do you only share your IG?" He asks.

Why not. She puts her number in his phone. It's not like I'm doing anything else.

A third pitcher is finished and she, Tamiko and Maxine say their goodbyes to Mike and his friend.

"Seeeeee?!" Tamiko smiles, gleefully skipping out of Flashlight behind Xiomara and Maxine. She takes Xiomara by the shoulders and starts to shake her back and forth. "This is what Feme was talking about! Options, girl!"

"Yes, until he messes it up."

"No!" Tamiko points her finger in Xiomara's face. Xiomara jumps back at her sudden change in mood.

"Not serious! Nothing. Serious."

"Ok! Geez!"

"What did I tell you?!" Tamiko continues as Maxine calls an Uber. "That's all it has to be, just... fun. No seriousness. No games. No decoding text messages and glances and shit. If I can do this..."

"I'm surprised at you, Ms. Spencer," Maxine says to Tamiko. "Where did all that come from?"

"The therapist, remember?" Xiomara says before Tamiko has a chance to answer.

"Well... Yea, basically..." She couldn't bring herself to explain how what Feme said helped the therapist and planted an idea. The idea that she still had her spark, just forgot how to use it.

###

Xiomara rolls over in bed to reach for her phone, vibrating on the bedside table. She presses to accept the call.

"Hey Ma."

"Oh, you're alive! I thought you must have passed away."

"Nope, still alive." She puts the call on speaker so she can check her messages and Ray's feed.

"So what's going on with you? How are things? How's work?"

No mention of the last time they talked, just as Xiomara expected. There would be no mention of that date from their last call either.

"Work's good..." Xiomara says as she looks through the feed of one of the women Ray started following recently. "Things are good. You?"

"Oh you know, same old. Sister Paula was admitted to the hospital last week, did I tell you?"

"Sister Paula?"

"She has the daughter about your age? Oh— well, you would know if you came to church."

"Oh please." Xiomara closes Instagram, raises up in bed and stretches.

"Are you still in bed? Xio, it's twelve in the afternoon."

"You know, if they handed out tickets for clichés, you would be in serious trouble right now."

"Hm. Have you talked to your father recently?"

The part of their conversation Xiomara wishes she could fast forward.

"Uh... Yea, a couple weeks ago I think?"

"Oh, so you're speaking to him but you can't speak to me?"

"They're having a birthday party, for Ava. First weekend of June."

Julianne says nothing.

"Are you free...? We should probably go together."

"Yea, I'm free." Her tone has changed. Xiomara is ready to get off the phone, doesn't want to hear what's coming next.

"You know, if I'd known that man was going to do what he did I wouldn't even have wasted one day on him?"

The next logical step in that line of thinking means Xiomara would have never been born. But she doesn't want to push Julianne any further. Instead she gets up, goes to the kitchen. Hits 'mute'.

"For years, _years_ , Xiomara. No, honey, I'm faithful," Julianne takes on that mocking tone she uses whenever she imitates Mateo. "It's work, I'm on the job, you're being paranoid. Hm." She shoves a laugh through her nose. "And look. Now we're going to... birthday parties for his new family."

Xiomara unmutes.

"Well it's not just Ava. Ale and Olivier are having their birthday parties on the same day."

"You think he couldn't have just been honest? No, of course not."

"Hey, why did you take me along? That day you went to that apartment... Why did you take me?"

"Wha— What?"

"I was six. You took me to that apartment you thought he was at. Why? It was like a scene out of some mafia movie."

Xiomara doesn't know where this is coming from. Seconds ago she wanted to avoid a long conversation with Julianne about how things had ended between her mother and father. But somewhere between the confrontation the night before, just getting out of bed and everything with Ray, her tongue had loosened up.

"I didn't... What are you talking about, Xiomara. I didn't take you to any apartment."

Xiomara's heartbeat starts to quicken.

"So, you didn't go to some apartment building, up by Jane and Wilson? In the summer?"

Xiomara had more details. What she was wearing. What her mother was wearing. The cartoon she watched on television when they got home. The things Julianne said to her the next day, after her mother had collected herself.

The first time she heard her mother tell her men couldn't be trusted.

And now she remembers the compassion she has to carry around for her; how much space she has to leave for Julianne's pain.

"You know what, never mind. Forget I asked anything. We'll talk later, okay?"

"Fine." Julianne's answer is short. Her tone is changed. She's disturbed, angry but Xiomara's not going to take the bait.

"So I'll call you... For this birthday party—"

Xiomara hears a click and the call ends.

## OPTION ONE: MIKE

Flashlight Mike: So when are you going to let me take you out?

Memories from the night before flood all at the same time, jumbled: meeting at Maxine's place, stalking Angel in the theatre, the wave of shock and embarrassment from Maxine. Then the bar. Tamiko's challenge, that side of her Xiomara had never seen. The shape of Mike's shoulder under his black v-neck t-shirt.

Xiomarrra: Well I'm free tomorrow...

Flashlight Mike: Perfect. Eight?

Xiomarrra: How about Chef's Assembly Hall?

Flashlight Mike: Which one?

There are two. One in the east end of the city and the other in the west. The west side of the city was safer for both of them, but closer to Xiomara than it was to Mike's neighbourhood. The east Hall location was out of the way for her, but closer to Mike. It was also arguably better than the one in the west. And yes, it was in Ray's neighbourhood. One block away from his apartment.

Xiomarrra: East?

Yes, it would be better for Mike to go to that location, she didn't mind. It was bigger and had more options anyway. Where it happened to be located was pure coincidence.

He's probably moved. Haven't spoken to him in weeks, who knows what he's doing now...

Except she is already planning to wear a new jumper she bought last week. Short sleeves, fits at the waist just right. An item designed explicitly for the purpose of making an ex jealous in the event of an "accidental" encounter on the street. And maybe she'll casually walk by Ray's favourite bar on her way home. She'll have to pass by his place anyway to catch the streetcar.

If she bumps into him it will be coincidence.

Pure coincidence.

###

I just want to talk to him. If I see him, Xiomara thinks on her way to meet Mike. I still need answers. Screw Tamiko, she doesn't need closure, I do.

For her date with Mike, Xiomara carefully styles her massive curly hair so it sits smoothly curled and flipped to one side, a little like how she used to style it for dates with Ray. Under the jumpsuit is a comfortable, but sexy lingerie set. Not because Mike will ever see it, just for confidence. She arrives at the Hall at exactly eight o'clock. It's packed, but Mike wrote to tell her he was already there, in a seat on the patio. She enters the building through a door on the main street, the place smells of food, all kinds of foods. Groups pass her with trays of tacos and tortillas, in front of her, steam from a coffee machine shoots into the air. A DJ on the other end of the space plays a remix of I'm So Into You by SWV. Xiomara climbs up some stairs, walks to the other end of the space and down another set of stairs. She sees Mike up ahead on a seat at a table near the door.

"Hey," she says with a smile, as he gets up to give her a hug.

"Well hello, Xiomara," he says with less r's.

"You smell great." He wears a short-sleeve, button down shirt with a pair of navy shorts and grey, wool Adidas running shoes.

Ray could have been around, could see her and Mike, walking by on the sidewalk or he could be on this patio right now. She sits up a little straighter than usual.

"Can I get you a drink?" He asks.

"Uh... yea..." She looks around for the bar in the middle of the outdoor patio. "I'll have a glass of wine, white?"

"Do you have a preference? Pinot or...?"

"Surprise me," she says with a smile.

While he's in line Xiomara checks Ray's social media again, tries to see if anything might suggest where he is right now. Mike comes back, puts the glass in front of Xiomara.

"Hmmm..." She picks it up and swirls it a little, not wanting to show off what she knows. "Interesting." She says, clearing her throat on a sharp taste, some of the wine had gone down the wrong pipe and she starts to cough.

"Oh shit. Are you okay? The bartender said it was new. I thought could be good? An apple wine! Is it that bad?" Mike gets up before she can answer him. "Let me get you a glass of water."

"No, no—" She tries to tell him she's ok, but he's gone. She composes herself while he's out of eyesight.

"I'm so sorry about the wine!" He rushes back to the table with a pitcher of water and a glass in hand. It's cute, she thinks, the way he's gone from completely cool and collected to a fluster.

She takes a sip and puts the water back down on the table.

"It's okay, the wine was good... You certainly know how to pick 'em." She clears her throat again.

He settles back into his seat timidly, not quite satisfied that she is going to be okay. "Really? I can't tell a chardonnay from a kool aid."

"I feel the same about men."

He laughs, loud. Throws his head back exposing his neck. Her eyes scan the veins and thick Adam's apple. Another piece of Ray that she can at least look at as Mike sits across from her.

They cover the basics, keeping the conversation light. Where he works, where she works. Goals and dreams. Family. Where they went to school. Vacations. He has two beers, she has a second glass of the apple wine. Perfectly respectable and appropriate.

Nothing like that first date with Ray.

She and Ray seemed to communicate through eye contact. The waiter at the restaurant they went to always appeared out of nowhere, always all of a sudden. They tried to get the first date stuff out of the way. But the conversation kept going off on more interesting paths. Until Ray said:

"Should we keep trying to do this... First date thing?"

She hears the words as if he is in front of her again. Instead of Mike explaining his frustrations with being unable to find a proper IPA beer in the city.

Ray went in for a soft kiss, pulled her closer, just a little at first, then a little more. Until she wrapped her arms around his neck, he pulled her in closer. Felt his dick a little through his pants.

The date with Mike ends in a perfectly respectable way. He goes in for a hug.

That first date with Ray, Xiomara thinks after saying goodbye to Mike and starting a walk down the street in the direction of his favourite bar, she and Ray both knew what was going to happen, eventually. When they parted she let her hands go down his shoulders, squeeze his arms. He let his hand brush against her ass and that was it. She'd masturbated three times at home afterwards.

That wasn't going to happen today. At least not because of Mike.

How could a connection like that, like the one we had, end up like this?

Her heart quickens as she walks past the bar, but she still scans inside and makes sure her hair still sits the way she wants it to.

I shouldn't have done this... What if he sees me, he'll know I'm not just in this neighbourhood by accident.

She hurries past the bar's front door, with her heart thumping in her chest, its noise almost deafening in her ears, then slows down once safely away.

That was a fail.

But his apartment is up ahead, down Ottawa Avenue. Instead of passing the building directly she goes down one side street, choosing to walk around the block so she doesn't have to see the building but can still get to the subway.

Another fail.

Her fingers itch at her phone to check his social media again on the streetcar home. A like from him is rare. Special. He's not the type to go around liking women's photos on Instagram. What he likes is seeing the body in real life. She tries to read the women that like his photos instead. One of them she's started to call 'Clothing Woman'. There's another one, but she's sure that woman a coworker.

There's a new way to get information, she thinks as the streetcar comes to the final stop: looking at the posts he published while they were dating, then comparing to his posts now. Maybe there was something in there that could help her figure out where he was emotionally, something she could use if they ever eventually meet up.

If she ever happens to be back in his neighbourhood.

## CHEMISTRY CLASS

"Try... 'brainstorming music'." Xiomara asks. She's in the large boardroom at Tarot PR with Maxine, Tamiko and Lisa waiting for Malcolm and the team from BLT to arrive.

They listen to first video that shows up. Nothing plays. Lisa turns the volume up.

"Uh, this is weird. Maybe we'll have no music." Tamiko says.

Lisa checks her phone. "Oh, the guys are here. I'll be back." She leaves the room and turns to the reception area.

Minutes later, Malcolm follows Lisa with two other men Xiomara doesn't recognize into the boardroom. The two introduce themselves to the group as David and Lawrence.

"So y'all like popcorn?" Lawrence says, nodding his head to point behind them. Xiomara, Lisa, Maxine and Tamiko all turn to look at extra large bags of butter, caramel, and salt and vinegar popcorn sitting on a table in the boardroom beside small bowls of candy. Peanut M&Ms, Skittles, sour keys, and Hershey's kisses.

"Ha!" Lisa says. "Yes, you could say that..." She offers them all cups and gives them a chance to get snacks before the meeting begins.

"Did you all get the info sheet we sent over?" Tamiko asks as they sit down.

"Yep," David answers, throwing some popcorn into his mouth. "Some interesting stuff."

"Yes, we have our local subject matter expert Lisa in the room, in case we get off track or if have any questions."

"Great," David says, giving Lisa a kind nod.

"Nice. So how about we get started?" Xiomara says. "I think it might be better if we ease our way into this. The Collective wants us to make viral moments around some tricky areas, but based on our research, the audience is broad enough... And getting bigger."

"Tricky as in...?" Malcolm asks.

"Tricky as in the opposite of mainstream. Which makes our job harder."

"Or it could be an opportunity?" He offers.

"Yes... That's what we're here to figure out."

"Ok, so what were you thinking?"

"One of our ideas was to put a couch in the middle of Dundas Square, have a psychic do readings for people, maybe in a big tent..." Maxine says.

"So would the idea be that we would make the couch? And the tent?" Lawrence asks.

"Yea, and then maybe something people can walk away with, like a temporary tattoo... Something we can photograph them with for content."

"Ohhkay," David and Malcolm make a note.

"I like the temporary tattoo idea," Malcolm says.

"Yea, and maybe the couch could be made out of discarded plastic water bottles." Xiomara says.

Malcolm chuckles. David and Lawrence sitting on either side turn to look at him.

"Was that a laugh?" David looks over and mutters to Lawrence.

"What we really want is something that is pretty much guaranteed to go viral and that your team can get started on making as soon as possible." Tamiko says.

"Yes, preferably before anything goes viral," Xiomara adds. "We want everyone to be talking about manifestation, psychics, meditation..." She gestures towards the whiteboard with the topics listed. "And then we want them to see stuff in real life, someone on the street or something online that goes back to that viral moment."

"Kind of like... Creating coincidence." Lawrence says.

"You could say that," Maxine responds.

The group spends half an hour talking about other possibilities. Lisa suggests taking popular memes and remixing them around their key topics, but that's 'been done'. Then Maxine brings up the idea to look for people on social media who talk about seeing the same numbers over and over again. BLT suggests sending those people shirts, jackets or hats with the repeated numbers on them.

"A little creepy, but that could be good for us." Maxine says.

"I don't know, we're thinking kind of small..." Xiomara says with a shrug. "I mean, we have connections to some of the biggest celebrities in the world right now. Insta-celebrities too—"

"Shade." Tamiko whispers.

"Youtubers, people with hundreds of thousands of followers... I think what we want to do is create something that _those_ people are _guaranteed_ to talk about, with your help..." She gestures to the BLT team.

"Okay, no pressure," David pretends to chuckle nervously.

"No I get that..." Malcolm says, deep in thought. He sighs. Pops an M&M into his mouth, the sound of its crunch loud enough for everyone to hear. Xiomara turns back to the board and stares at the words.

"Well... All these people do yoga, right?" He says after some silence.

"Oh, please." Tamiko responds.

"Maybe there is something there..." Xiomara's train of thought goes in the same direction as his. "I mean... You know I was at a class a couple weeks ago and there was a man there with a Basquiat yoga mat?"

"Really?" Maxine says with surprise. She starts searching on her phone immediately.

"It was so crazy, I fell out of downward dog staring at it."

"Hm!" A laugh comes from Malcolm and David and Lawrence look at him again.

"This is wild," David says to him. "I don't think I've ever seen you laugh before."

"Okay, so what about, like, custom yoga mats," Xiomara asks Malcolm. "Can you guys do that?"

"Oh for sure," he says.

"Yea, custom yoga mats and blocks and whatever else yoga people use..."

He's scribbling in a small notepad, flips a page over.

"We can even tie this in to those other topics..." Malcolm says.

"We could do emojis?" Xiomara suggests with her head to the side.

"I mean, we just had a tarot reader in the office," Maxine says. "We could do tarot cards too. That would fit in with the 'psychics' topic..."

"Oh! How about, like, text messages or DM exchanges or tweets?" Lisa speaks up.

"On a yoga mat? Yea, that could work..." Malcolm says. "For the meditation one we can do something like... People love animals, so... dogs meditating or cats, horses... Or maybe go weirder..."

"Hormone monsters?!" Xiomara says excitedly, sitting up.

"Ha ha ha!" Malcolm laughs, nearly knocking his coworkers out of their seats. "Yea, that's it!"

For a moment she appreciates being across the table, being out of the path of a direct hit from one of those sparks from his eyes.

"Or other popular characters or cartoons..." Tamiko suggests.

"Simpsons... The muppets--" Malcolm says.

"Ok, I'm going to need to see a sample of that. Miss Piggy, please." Xiomara says quickly.

"And if you want to do a Connie hormone monster one, I'm okay with that." Tamiko says.

"Of course," Malcolm's eyebrows go up with a smile, writes something down.

"Then for the rocks one, we can just print a bunch of rocks on mats and blocks." Xiomara says to Malcolm.

"Yea, that's easy..." He responds.

"Oh, is it now?"

"What do we do for manifestation...?" He asks her.

The room goes quiet.

Tamiko gives Maxine a look; her eye squints, she looks from Xiomara to Malcolm and back to Maxine with her eyebrows up in asking. Maxine nods. Yes.

"Nothing." Xiomara says, pushing her chair back from the white board. "That one is all black, just has 'I manifested it'. Somewhere on the mat, in white letters."

"Shit. Nice." He scribbles something else down. "That's good."

"Okay, okay," Tamiko looks from Xiomara to Malcolm. "Don't want to stop what's happening here, but..."

Xiomara blushes, but smiles.

"For intuition, how about a big belly — guy or girl, black, brown, white, pregnant or nah — with a 'trust your gut' tattoo under the belly button. Stretch marks and moles and everything."

"Sample please." Maxine says.

"Okay, alright... And what about psychics." Xiomara asks. The last topic. Quiet falls over the room again. More research. Folks get up for second and third servings of popcorn and candy.

"How about..." Everyone turns to Lisa. "How about we honour famous psychics? Real or... Well I guess that's up for debate," she says under her breath. "But, Like... Miss Cleo?"

"Oh! Sylvia Browne!" Xiomara says.

A moment passes, more research. "The Oracle from the Matrix!" Maxine throws out. "Whoopi from Ghost!"

"We might have some trouble with the copyright," Lawrence says. "But that could be doable."

"As much as I like this..." David says. "So what's the idea here, we create this specialized yoga stuff for celebrities and send it to them?"

Malcolm frowns, shakes his head. "The truth is, these people probably have five or six mats and towels and... blocks and things. I don't like the idea of us creating more trash, that's what we're trying to get away from."

"So it's all made out of plastic water bottles?" Xiomara says again.

Malcolm smiles shyly, clearly she'd listened to him during the panel, but he didn't mind the teasing. David peers at him again.

"Ok, I'm kind of kidding," Xiomara says. "How about this... How about what goes viral is a company... Based out of Toronto... That will customize your yoga shit."

The BLT team all inhale sharply through their teeth.

"That sounds muy expensive." David says.

"Let's not worry about that," Tamiko tells him. "The Collective is basically illuminati, they can afford it."

"Oh they're paying, why didn't you say!" He visibly relaxes in his seat.

"So... are we going to actually make a company that does this?" Malcolm asks the Tarot team with an incredulous look on his face.

"No... That's just really out there..." Tamiko says. She shoots a look over to Xiomara. "But that's the kind of stuff we do... Think of it this way. We're not mass producing this stuff, it's just a few things to get people talking."

"And while that happens," Xiomara says, "let us worry about what comes next... The Collective might like some of these ideas, so they decide to run with it."

"Meanwhile if some conversation starts, our job is done." Maxine says.

"You all are very impressive," David tells her.

"That's why they pay us the big bucks," Xiomara says. She looks over to Malcolm whose eyes linger on her in something else she can't quite figure out. She looks to the ground, then over to Lawrence.

"Well I think that um... That's a good start." She says. "We've got about five minutes left, so was there anything anyone wanted to say before we wrap?"

Heads shake around the table. The meeting is wrapped up and the BLT team is led out of the office by Lisa.

"Okay, girl." Maxine says once they have the boardroom to themselves.

"What?" Xiomara asks.

"Are. You. Serious?" Tamiko asks her. "I don't think you would have noticed if any of us left."

"You or Malcolm." Maxine says.

"Whaaat! No." Xiomara screws her eyebrows at them.

"Seriously. That chemistry?" Maxine looks at her with eyes wide. "I thought I was back in high school!"

"Right? Serving bunsen burner." Tamiko says.

"We should have handed out goggles and lab coats instead of popcorn."

"Ok, maybe there was some chemistry, but y'all are being a little dramatic." Xiomara's face burns. "Please stop talking."

"So you're telling us you don't think he's hot?"

"Are we going for lunch?" She asks.

Her friends tilt their heads at her and smile sarcastically.

"Fine, okay? I didn't eat because he is a whole snack. Smart. Biceps. Dreads. Biceps. But what do you want me to do, go for him? Isn't that against the new hoe rules?" She gets up from her seat, pulls out her phone to take pictures of their notes.

"Ok, let me ask you this." Tamiko says. "While he was here, did you think about Ray? At all?"

The answer is no, she didn't think about Ray. But she did think about him recently. Just that past weekend. Xiomara turns her face away and looks down.

"So you do like him."

There is another reason she doesn't see it for her and Malcolm.

"I know his type," she says quietly, shrugs. "You guys know his type. He likes skinny, light-skinned girls who speak softly and... live and breathe this stuff." She gestures to the whiteboard they were using during the session.

"Oh my God, I can't believe you just said that."

"Xiomara!"

Maxine and Tamiko yell.

"That is definitely against new hoe rules!" Tamiko adds.

Maxine walks up real close to her, Xiomara steps back a little. "I don't ever want to hear you talk like that ever again, I'm serious."

Her friends leave the room muttering about her and what she'd said. She's a little embarrassed, but adamant that was the truth. Maybe she was more like Julianne than she wanted to admit, but she wonders if it's better to keep her expectations low.

###

That weekend the trio plans to go to a 24-hour pre-Caribana party on the islands.

Pre-partying happens at Maxine's place, they head to the docks to catch the ferry to the island. A DJ on the boat plays calm, no-vocals music while people mix and mingle. Not wanting her friends to think the night they'd stalked Angel at the Bankhead was a fluke, Tamiko starts up a conversation with a group of five who are also on the boat.

Someone sings "Michael roll your boat ashore", and a few others laugh, sing back "Haul-eh-lu-jah!" when the ferry docks. From somewhere on the island, they can hear a singer ask if everyone is ready to jump.

"Ayyyye!" A girl behind them yells. The group from the ferry disembark and start strolling towards where the music comes from.

"Do we know where we're going?" Tamiko asks a girl walking the crowd.

"I guess we'll find out!" She and her friend respond at the same time. The five of them start to laugh. On the way, they all introduce themselves. The two girls are Catriona and Michelle. A few minutes later they discover they were going in the right direction. The five hang around for a bit, enjoying drinks, dancing, laughter. Maxine takes a cue from Tamiko and starts chatting with two guys at the bar. She and Tamiko meet Micheal and Bobby Lee. Hours pass. Xiomara lights a joint she had in her bag and it's passed around. The music threatens to carry her away, but she sees a guy across moving bodies, two drinks in his hands, turning in circles.

"Do you need help with that?" She yells.

"Yes!" He yells back and gives her both drinks. She holds them while he gets a phone out and starts sending messages to someone.

"Once I find out where these jabronis are, I'm getting your number!"

She laughs, careful not to spill the drinks.

"See? You laughed and were careful about those drinks... You're a keeper!"

"What's your name!" Xiomara asks once he puts the phone away.

"Viktor!" He yells back. "With a 'k'! But I don't like to yell at these things... I'll message you okay?"

"Whatever you say, Viktor!" He passes her his phone and takes the drinks back.

"Put your number in!" He says with a smile. Xiomara obliges him and he says goodbye to go find his people.

It's dark when the three are ready to go back. A cloud of smoke and energy sits above the crowd, a little more spread out than it was back when they arrived, but the party is still going. They head back to catch the next ferry to the city, still energetic but very relaxed. Maxine imitates a dance move they'd seen by the stage and they all burst out laughing.

The line up for the ferry back is long, long enough for each of them to make a trip to the bathroom while the other two hold the line.

"I need a hotdog and then bed!" Tamiko says as they inch forward.

"A hotdog?!" Maxine yells. "No, no no, we're not getting a hotdog. You hungry, Xiomara?"

"Fuck. Yes! Why didn't they have any food on this godforsaken island."

Back on main land they take an Uber to a poutine spot in the fashion district, get heaping piles of food with gravy, bacon and a little veg on it. They walk the city street in no direction in particular.

"Look!" Tamiko's notices stairs that go up to a brick wall.

"No, no, no." Xiomara says. "I can't see stuff like that whilst high."

Maxine chuckles. "...Whilst." She says.

They walk over to the stairs to sit down and eat. Xiomara remains standing, carefully balancing each loaded french fry on a fork before eating it. They trade notes on the night. The songs they wanted to hear, that played and they forgot. The songs and dances they'd never heard or seen before. The best outfits. Worst outfits. The men. Tamiko exchanged her Instagram handle with a few guys, but had no intention of keeping in touch with any of them.

"Most of them are too young." She says.

"But who cares, right?"

Tamiko laughs. "You know what?" She points her fork at Maxine. "Right... Guys. I haven't had a night out like this in years. Why don't we do this more?"

"Uh, because we're professional adults now? Who don't party?" Xiomara answers.

"Yea, that's the best part of nights like this. They happen once in a while." Maxine says.

As if on cue there are yells coming from across the street, the sound of someone throwing up, screams and more yells.

"Awww, fuck! Are you serious?" Maxine throws away the last bit of her poutine and pouts. Xiomara didn't see what happened, but based on the noise and Maxine's reaction she doesn't turn around to look.

"See? Told you those stairs were no good." She says. Maxine and Tamiko cackle. "Still wondering why we don't do this more often?" She asks them.

"This was still fun though," Tamiko answers. She puts her fries down and wipes her hands.

"So what are we doing now, y'all coming to my place to post-party?" Maxine pulls her phone out and calls an Uber.

"Sure," Xiomara says, happy to not have to spend another night alone and to have to face waking up by herself the next morning.

At least being around them would distract her from checking what Ray posted on Instagram.

## PEACE OFFERING

It's been a couple weeks since Maxine had last seen or heard from Angel, that night at The Bankhead. There's no way to tell if enough time has passed, but she knows how to find him again.

"Hey Valerie..." She walks up to Tarot PR's lead Producer at the other side of the office, across from her desk. Do you mind telling me where The Cops are tomorrow?"

Sugar looks over from her computer. "Ok, can I ask you guys... The Cops?" She asks.

"Yea, the Cop Team?" Valerie says

"Why The Cops though."

"Think of the Urban Dictionary definition. Like, this is the team that gets all of our photos, video, audio... The stuff that goes viral."

"And all they do all day—" Maxine starts.

"Is go out and record people doing shit." Valerie finishes her sentence. On her computer, she goes into the archived files audio and video files.

"That's what we send to the bloggers and news people." Maxine adds.

Valerie looks to Maxine. "Lemme show you this first..."

Maxine leans over Valerie's shoulder at a still of a packed subway car.

She expands the video so they can watch together. "Some of this stuff..." Valerie continues to Sugar, widening her eyes. "I tell you, no one should see."

"Is that guy... Is he meditating?" Maxine asks once the video starts to play.

"Yep." Valerie says. "Full lotus pose and everything."

"Ouch..." Maxine rubs her knees.

"Watch this."

The woman he sits beside pushes his knee off of her, forcing him to stumble forward into the crowd, people move out of his way, one person reaches down to help.

"Holy shit. You said The Cops got this?

Valerie nods. "Yep, about a year ago."

"This is amazing."

"Right?" Valerie says. "I mean... I hope he was okay—"

"Yes, of course, but... Great for The Collective. Good work."

"Thanks..." She records something down and tags the video. "So... Did you want to know about a specific team? Or...?"

"Uh, yea... Is..." Maxine lowers her voice. "Is Angel still on the C team?"

Valerie opens a spreadsheet on her computer, looks through the file.

"Looks like he was transferred to the B team last week. They'll be... Just east of King and Yonge tomorrow. Looks like he'll be at One King West Hotel in the morning, then doing outdoor scans for the afternoon. Do you want to make a change? Send him somewhere specific?"

"No, no. That's all I need. Thanks Val. And send me that clip when you have a chance. I'll check in with Tamiko and Xiomara. See if they want to do anything with it."

###

The next morning Maxine wakes up an hour before her alarm. Her dog, Nicodemus snores comfortably in his bed, in a total dream state while she shuffles a stack of canvases covering a mock fireplace.

When she saw the painting she was working on of Angel at her studio space, her first instinct was to throw it away, but she brought it home. Put it in between other forgotten paintings. It wasn't complete, she still needed to colour in about a quarter of it; the sidewalk and buildings behind his leg and feet. But it is finished. She is done with it, regardless of what happened between them.

She takes a deep breath. Looks at the painting now, before putting it in a portfolio bag. His curly hair slicked back in his signature ponytail, hands around a camera at his face. Feet planted on the ground. Eyes in a squint that way he does when he works. A picture she'd taken of him on their first date, when he wasn't looking. She planned to give it to him on his birthday, a present he didn't know she had been making for the six months they dated.

The clock on the stove says it's 6:25 a.m. He would already be at the hotel, ready with his camera to capture anything Tarot PR could use. The early hours were key, prime time because most people thought no one was watching.

When she gets to the hotel she walks quickly past the windows, in case he's on the other side of the glass with his camera pointed towards the street. Luckily for her, she sees him inside first. His back to the window, looking down at his phone.

Another deep breath. The tightness in her chest loosens a bit, but she has to remind herself to breathe. She walks towards the edge of the building, straightens her t-shirt and hair. A pain starts on the right side of her chest, a reminder to keep breathing. Then into the building.

The lobby is cool, empty except for Angel and two people who are too far away from the front door to notice her presence. He sits on the right. She turns, half expecting him to have already noticed her but he continues looking at his phone.

A split second.

She could turn around now, go back out the door. Take an Uber home. Catch up on some sleep. Take a personal day to start a new painting or finish an old one. But then she would wonder for the rest of her life. She was here now. No turning back.

She steps towards him and clears her throat softly, "Angel."

His name, his name said by that voice in that way. She can tell by a slight scowl on his face that he knows, even in the moment before their eyes meet, that it's her.

"Maxine?"

She puts the portfolio down on the floor and takes a seat on a chair beside the one he sits on. The slight scowl is gone but now his face is blank and she can't read what he's thinking. It almost makes her wish for the scowl back.

"I... I wanted to give you this."

The lobby is more than cool, it's cold thanks to air conditioning on full blast. Her hands shake unzipping the portfolio and pulling the piece out, bubble wrap popping under her fingers. He sits back, watching her lean forward to lift it. Only at the last second, before her arm threatens to drop it, does he reach forward to take the painting away from her.

He says nothing. Rests the painting on his lap and looks at it. She watches a flash of recognition in his face. The clothes he was wearing, the sky, blue going into a periwinkle, darker purple underneath. He lifts it off his lap and puts it down on the floor between them.

"It's from a picture I took of you on our first date..."

He sighs, keeping his head straight forward, eyes looking at a spot on the ground far away.

"This is nice. Thank you."

"I'm... I'm sorry about what happened. I guess I heard you talking to your sister about going to the movies, and I'd asked you over and over again about seeing someone else, but I thought... I thought you were lying to me."

"Maxine—"

"I made a mistake. I shouldn't have... I should have really talked to you first, I am sorry."

He blinks slowly. She follows his gaze to the front desk, where a man stands with their back to them, crosses one foot over the other. A small black suitcase beside him.

"Do you think you can forgive me?" She looks back to him.

A man and a woman step down the hotel lobby staircase, both wearing heels that clack against marble floors. Angel sits up in his seat, careful not to have the camera tumble out of his lap. He peers at the couple for a moment before resting back in the chair.

_Please... Please say something._

_What is he doing! Is he trying to torture me?!_

She leans back too. Watches his face for glee or satisfaction or disgust but there is nothing. She could still get up and walk away. All she'd done was give him the painting and apologize. That could be the end of it, but no. She'd go home and still wonder.

"Can we try again?"

"No," he says, his eyes still straight ahead. "No, Maxine, we can't try again. Do you think I want to be here? Waiting for someone in this lobby to do or say something that you and your... people... could use? To 'go viral'?... Whatever the fuck that means."

He puts the camera to his eye but doesn't take a picture, puts it back down in his lap again. Instead he gets up, walks to the window just behind her seat.

"The fact that this is what I have to do for money, take photos of people who have no idea they're being watched and sell them to your company, it kills me."

He speaks to the window but Maxine can hear every word. She turns around to look at his back. The ponytail is gone. He wears his hear shaved close to his head.

_You cut your hair_ , she wants to say, but she is out of that boundary now. It looks good... Really good.

"You know, I went home and realized that whole thing in the theatre..." He chuckles, harshly. "That would have been a viral moment. And... I don't think you would do something like that, but... You clearly never trusted me. And maybe I never trusted you either."

Maxine turns back around slowly in her seat. The pain in her chest starts again, a different one this time but it doesn't remind her to breathe. She pulls her purse over her shoulder, eyes look quickly from the portfolio to the painting he'd left by the chair.

"I hate what you do. I hate what I do. I don't want to have anything to do with Tarot. I have to, for money, for now. But I don't have to have anything to do with you."

"Angel, that isn't what I do, it's just a job." She turns her head away from the lobby, speaks to the side of the building. "That painting... My art... That's what I do. I'm just like you, I'm an artist doing what I need to for money. You know—"

"You're not like me, I would never do something like that to another person."

She grabs the empty portfolio and gets out of the chair quietly.

"Take the painting."

She hears the words but her feet outrun them.

He didn't mean it... That wasn't him talking... She tries to convince herself once she's out of the hotel. She walks fast, enough to keep her eyes dry. He'd told her about his frustrations, the struggles he had being a full-time photographer. The cycles of anxiety, of depression. But that didn't take the sharpness of the sting away. That didn't dull the words.

You're not like me... I would never do something like that to another person...

Take the painting...

## OPTION TWO: VIKTOR

For their date, Xiomara chooses a floral-patterned wrap dress made of a stretch fabric, her curls neatly pulled into a high ponytail. A nice pair of earrings, cubic zirconias just small enough to be mistaken for diamonds from far away, and a pair of hoops.

She and Viktor agreed to meet outside of Broadview station, though instead of searching for him when she gets out on the street, she's on Ray's Instagram. A new post went up the night before of him with a group of his friends out at some lounge or bar type place. She looks for any women in the background, quickly scans the comments and likes for the familiar profiles.

"Xiomara?"

"Heeey, Viktor..." She scrambles to lock the screen and not accidentally hit a dangerous 'like' or 'follow'.

"How are you," his voice muffles into her shoulder, making the skin down her neck vibrate. This was a little close, but she wasn't sure if she minded. It had been three weeks without sex.

"How are you?" She asks instead of answering his question. The only words that come to her mind: Hurt. Confused.

Still.

"I'm good, I'm good... So, adventure time?" He says.

"Ah, my fave."

"The cartoon?!" His eyes light up, a wide, open smile crosses his face.

He slides his arm around Xiomara's shoulders. Leads her up to the leafy, less-populated side of the street away from the subway station.

"Well," she says. "It was one of my faves."

She agreed to meet Viktor, not at a bar this time, but outside of the subway station. A few more blocks away from Ray's apartment building. After they met the plan was to just walk around, explore the area. That was Viktor's understanding of the plan. Xiomara's own was clearer when she was at home, mentally getting prepared to bump into Ray either on or after the date.

But now Xiomara notices how neatly her body fits into Viktor's. Walking beside Ray always felt like being dropped into a hockey or basketball game. She'd constantly be bumping into him, their feet brushing by abruptly, tripping one or both of them up. The only place the awkwardness dropped away was when they were alone.

I could ruin this, she thinks. Tell Viktor-with-a-k what my real intentions are.

It makes her sad to know that she could wipe that smile off his face and end this date right now. But. Then she would be free to walk the neighbourhood on the hunt. She brushes the thoughts away as they talk about their favourite episodes of Adventure Time, discuss Jake's Perfect Sandwich and the YouTube video made years ago by someone who called himself 'Babish' where the sandwich was remade, in real life.

"So are you recently single? Or..." He asks.

"Uh, yea, you could say that. I'm dating."

"How's that going for you."

"Not great if I'm honest."

"Really? I don't believe that."

"Why?"

"Well, just... you seem outgoing. And you're hot."

"None of that means anything," she waves her hand at him. "Dating isn't easy for everyone. First of all, you got to get past the representative. And most people don't get that far, so it's all trash."

"Representative?"

"Yea, you know. The version of yourself that you introduce people... The personality people are supposed to like."

"Oh wow. That's a new one."

"You've never heard of this concept before?"

"No, can't say I have. Teach me."

Xiomara heaves a laugh. "Ok, well, it's pretty simple. Like I said, it's the idea that you present a nice, clean version of yourself to other people — not just on dates — with the intention of getting people to like you."

"So, we're all neurotics who just want everyone to like us."

"More or less, yea. I think... It probably applies more to some people than others. It's a generalization."

"Where did you learn about this... concept?" He asks.

Xiomara pauses. "The internet. YouTube experts. Articles."

Eventually they end up at a bar close by. Not The bar. Not Ray's spot, one just west and across the street from The bar. A memory of what she did after the date with Mike flashes, how nervous she had been, but determined to look anyway. Heartbeat quickens again. Like it did that first night. It's easier this time, she convinces herself, it will be easier today because she is prepared for it.

Knows what to expect.

They take seats, she orders a glass of wine, he a pint.

"So who did I meet at the island?" He asks her.

"I'd say you pretty much met me. A slightly drunk, high version. Like, sober, I'd probably see you with those drinks struggling, but wouldn't approach you unless you looked really distressed."

"Ah, well then I like your representative. She worked on me."

Xiomara laughs. Viktor excuses himself to go to the bathroom. And she shouldn't. She thinks for a moment. But there's no use resisting.

There's another new post in Ray's feed today. Published right as Viktor walked up to her at the station. A picture from nine months ago, maybe eight. The first days of spring. She and Ray took a day trip to a lavender field way up north and she took a picture of him lying down beside the field, gently pulling a flower to his nose and smelling it with his eyes closed.

_Need to get away again_ , the caption reads. Xiomara looks up quickly to check that Viktor is not on his way back from the bathroom, then she goes back to the picture.

_Who took this one ;)_ She dares to even think to comment. His posting that was a sign. It had to have been. The cosmic signal she was waiting for. But if that were true, he would have to have known that she was here, checking his feed. And if that was the case, why not just message her directly? She brushes that question away. It was a message, something small she could hold on to. A message that had been sent and received: he was thinking about her. At least had thought about her in the last couple hours.

The date lasts for a second round of drinks. Enough time for her to build up the nerve to actually find Ray today, do whatever it took. She'd show him the picture. Ask him... Say... Something that will come to her when the moment arrives.

Viktor goes in for a kiss when they're outside and saying goodbye. Xiomara backs away quickly at first, loyalty to Ray still lingers but in a split second she changes her mind, leans forward to catch his lips before she can guess it again.

It's nice. No jolt, but it is slow. Their lips part. There's a pause, a moment. Wanting one man but a new seed of curiosity with another. An odd place to be in; that she could want Ray as much as she does, hurt after him the way she does, but still have this attraction to someone else, and have no real reason to shut it down.

Then across the street, just behind her, out of the field of her vision, loud, happy voices flow out into the street.

Is that him?! Shit, is that Ray?!

"That was nice..." Viktor says, not checking her distraction. She listens hard but can't hear through the din.

"It was..." She answers after a moment. "I'll... Message me later?"

"Yea, okay. Can I take you out again?"

_Sure, why not I guess_.

"Yea, I'd like that."

"Okay. Okay, good. Are you... Walking to the subway?"

Of course, the subway. Back where they met. The opposite direction from the bar. But if she walks past and Ray is inside. If he sees her and Viktor is standing here, or worse, walking with her and she's unable to say what she want to say to him...

"I'm actually going to head down to catch a streetcar. Easier for me to get home that way." She speaks definitely, hoping that her tone will signal to him that he can leave her alone.

"Ah, okay. Well..." Viktor leans in.

Please, no.

Ray could be behind them, turn or walk by and see this.

But he kisses her on the forehead and leans in for a hug.

Oh...

"Message me when you get in, okay?" That voice at her neck again. Another shiver.

"I will."

Except he doesn't move. So Xiomara turns to go down the street, opposite the subway. She turns around, passes Ray's bar from across the street with her shoulders tensed, trying to hide in a red wrap dress with big flowers on it and Viktor's eyes on her back. No familiar voices yell from the bar, but she doesn't dare look up. At the end of the block she turns around, finds Viktor has gone.

Heart in throat, she crosses the street and walks by the bar, this time daring to go inside. Her hands tangle up, thumb scratching deeply at an imaginary itch at the base of her forefinger. Looks around for Ray's height, his hair, the curve of his shoulder under one of those t-shirts he wears, that smile.

What if he saw you and left?

She stops, turns abruptly, but the only eyes that meet hers are of a man she doesn't know sitting at the bar. He smiles. She turns back, goes to the bathroom, and braces herself against the sink.

Fuck fuck fuck.

What am I doing.

His building.

Yes. She could see him in the lobby or out front, leaned on his bike, chatting with one of his neighbours before going inside. She passes the man by, keeping her eyes locked away and to the floor and rushes out the door. On the street she slows down the pace, tries to look more natural. This has to look like it's happened by accident.

By accident.

There's no avoiding this time. She walks down the street, on the side that his building is on to help fate along. But the sidewalk in front of the building is empty, even the lobby, lit by bright fluorescent lights is empty.

The thumping in her chest eases, not in a good way. Her shoulders slump, belly lets out. She continues down the street, angry now that she'd gone through all this effort only to not find the man she was looking for. An empty streetcar picks her up and pushes along going west in the direction of her home. She's too angry to scroll through his posts again. For a moment pretends to be over him, to be a young, unattached woman, not in love with anyone, free of this pain in her chest.

But the pretending doesn't last.

How many comments did it have the last time she checked? Ten. Maybe twenty. Those were the kinds of posts other guys wouldn't feel comfortable posting, the kinds of pictures fragile masculinity recoils at. That was one of the reasons she loved him. The way he wasn't afraid to do things like smell flowers, or carry balloons with his foot cocked out in the air behind him. She loved that he posted things from their time together. It didn't matter that he never showed her face on any of his posts.

She didn't post him anywhere on her page either.

Instead of going back to his social media she takes advantage of some good public transit lighting to take a selfie. If she couldn't see him tonight, she was going to do what she could to make sure he would see her.

Grateful. Is all she writes for the caption. A lie, but it's posted with her photo and then she throws the phone back into her purse.

It's after closing and locking her apartment door that she realizes she didn't go back to his social media the whole ride home.

A new feeling, kind of like freedom. Maybe she could go the whole night. But her fingers still itch to check for her likes and comments, for his new posts, even though there's no use.

Her phone vibrates. By now she knows better than to feel any hope that it might be him. Instead she goes through who it could be: Tamiko, Maxine asking how the date went. Viktor, it was probably him.

ViKtor: Had a great time tonight ;)

ViKtor: I wouldn't mind seeing you again.

He did everything right: opened the doors, pulled out her chair, walked on her left side when they were on the street, didn't interrupt. Xiomara thinks back about their date in the shower, chuckles to herself, remembering how he talked about the time he was mistakenly cast in a movie.

Out of the shower she thinks of how refreshing it was to be with someone whose eyes and attention were on her and not searching around the room for some other option. A man like that existed, exists. Then again...

She picks up the phone, unlocks it, writes back to him.

Xiomara: Yea, for sure. I had a great time too.

## HIS TYPE

The 819 music and tech festival private afterparty is for all exhibitors, sponsors, technicians and agencies. Anyone and everyone who had a part in making 819 happen was invited. No attendees allowed. Always on the last Saturday of the month on the festival grounds. This year it is located at Midnight Gardens. Three stages, 100 exhibitor booths, a food hall and a two-level lounge.

The afterparty happened just before the event space was cleared of everything from the event. The agreement was, you didn't touch or disturb anything that wasn't yours, on the understanding that no one would touch or disturb your stuff, and you brought drinks as your price of admission.

They enter the building and Maxine and Tamiko turn, look at Xiomara and then each other. Across from them a DJ plays remixes of the top 40, then switches to old school. The ground shakes with bodies dancing. Hay gets stuck to Xiomara's shoe.

"Was this here earlier?!" She asks the other two, referring to the hay. Before they can respond a man with salt-and-pepper hair and his shirt opened down to his belly button walks up.

"Yes, you are in the right place!" He yells. "Follow me!"

They look at each other again, shrug and walk behind him.

"What's your name?" Tamiko yells to the back of his head.

"Peyton!" He yells back. "Like Manning!"

"And the belly button?"

"You're funny!" He says to her.

A door under the stairs opens to an outdoor area. Smoke hangs in the air, a slightly cool breeze comes in from the lake just outside the boundary of the backyard.

"Ah, that's better..." He turns back to the group. "What's your name?" He asks Tamiko, putting his hand out. He's trying the right pronunciation of Xiomara's name when another man walks up to them in a tight black t-shirt, jeans with a belt and a cloud of cologne that attacks their noses.

"Peyton, you're not going to introduce me to your friends?"

"I've barely met them myself," he says, looking at Tamiko.

"Hello," He takes Maxine's hand even though she's furthest away. "I'm Shaq. What's your name? Can I get you all a drink?"

"Actually, I think we're okay... For now..." She holds up a bag she'd been carrying with bottles of wine.

"Here!" Shaq says, reaching for the alcohol.

"No, that's okay!" Maxine pulls it away. "We got this."

Peyton and Shaq follow the trio to the bar. Soon Shaq gets close to Maxine and starts chatting after she's made the payment for their entry and gotten wristbands. Xiomara pulls a blunt out of her bag and lights up, passes it to Tamiko.

"You okay?" She asks, blowing smoke out of the corner of her mouth.

"Yea, just... taking it all in." Tamiko's eyes dart around, checking out the people around them.

"Uh, excuse me, ma'am..." Xiomara looks over to see a man right behind her. She's accidentally blown smoke into his face.

"Oh, shit... Sorry about that."

"No, no. It's fine. Not possible to avoid a contact high here." He laughs, looks over at Tamiko.

"How are you all doing tonight?"

"We're good... You?" Xiomara answers.

Peyton comes back around, starts chatting Tamiko up on his fashion sense compared to hers.

Tamiko and Xiomara pass the joint between them while Maxine gets drinks.

Sean makes a joke that is actually funny. She laughs, touches his arm lightly too. His skin is soft, solid muscle underneath.

They talk about what parts of 819 they enjoyed when her eyes meet Malcolm's at the end of the patio.

"See someone you know?" Sean asks and turns to see who she nods at.

"Yea, dude from work. I should pull myself together." She pretends to straighten her back, but takes a last puff on the joint. Sean laughs.

"Wanna go somewhere else? I heard it's nice upstairs," he asks. Xiomara looks over at Tamiko and Maxine.

"Nah, I should stick with my girls."

"Ah, gotcha. Well I'm going to head inside. You should give me your number."

"Oh, should I?" She can still feel Malcolm's eyes on her. Especially as she takes Sean's phone, puts her number in and passes it back to him. Sean turns away, sends her a text, then is off back inside.

Xiomara and Malcolm walk over to each other.

"Well, hey." She says to him once they get close. "Didn't expect to see you here..."

Malcolm laughs. "I could say the same to you... Having fun?"

"Meh," she shrugs, looks back over to Maxine and Tamiko who both raise their eyebrows at her. "Who are you here with?"

Malcolm nods behind him, to a man and a woman who walk over and introduce themselves as Adrian and Renee.

"Nice to meet you both," Xiomara says. "Well it was good seeing you Malcolm. Enjoy yourself, kay?"

"Who are you here with?" He asks before she can leave. Xiomara nods over to Tamiko and Maxine, who've both gotten rid of the two guys they were talking to and now watch them talking.

"You guys want to go over?" He asks his friends.

They walk over and more introductions go around.

Xiomara's phone vibrates with a notification. She looks at it quickly, by now not under any delusion that she would hear from Ray. But it is good news. A campaign from a client is being shared online, was covered by a gossip YouTuber. She shows the update to Tamiko and Maxine.

"Oh, nice!" Tamiko gives her a high five. "I'm hungry!" She yells to the group. "Celebration food?"

"Fuck, yes." Maxine says. "Xiomara?"

"Obviously." She turns to Malcolm and his friends. "You guys are welcome to come with if you want!"

Malcolm looks over to Adrian and Renee.

"We were waiting to leave!" Renee yells back.

###

"You know Sean?" Malcolm asks once they get out onto the street and can hear each other better under a dark sky and half moon.

"Nah... Just met him. Blew smoke in his face."

"Charming." Malcolm says.

His hands go inside his pockets again. Xiomara can feel her heartbeat in her fingertips. Her brain fumbles around what to say next.

You put your hands in your pockets a lot... No.

My friends think we have chemistry... Absolutely not.

So where's my Miss Piggy yoga mat... Girl...

Not too far ahead of them Tamiko, Maxine, Renee and Adrian argue happily about where they're going to go. Burritos wins out in a vote.

"You people are so basic." Maxine says.

"Malcolm, Xiomara — McDonald's?" She turns to them with a glow in her eye. "Or... ugh... burritos," she frowns.

"Sorry, girl. My vote is for burritos."

"Yea, I'm going to have to go with the crowd on this one," Malcolm says.

"Uh huh. Just as I thought... Basic." Maxine says. She runs to catch up to the rest of the group up ahead.

Xiomara knows what Tamiko and Maxine are doing, maybe Renee and Adrian too.

His body is warm, every time they get closer together the hairs on her arm tingle. That magnet she felt at Revel pulls her in again. Butterflies start in her stomach. She so badly wants them to calm down. Knows exactly what to do to get them to stop. Divert his attention.

"So what's your situationship, Malcolm? Are you single? Dating? Incel?"

"Ha!" He relaxes a bit. But that makes her strengthen her guard. "I'm single... Why?"

"What do you think of Maxine?"

"Oh..." His smile shrinks. "Maxine?"

"Yea, she seems like your type... And she's single too..."

"Huh."

"Well we're all single if I'm being honest," she says under her breath.

"Why do you think she'd be my type, 'cause we're biracial?" There's a cut to his tone, a sharpness that wasn't there before.

Shit... He's offended... Ugh, why can't I shut up _!_

"Oh... I'm sorry, you're right, I shouldn't have assumed—"

"My type..." He turns to her, slows his walk down even more. "I like women who give me something to think about."

Xiomara's face burns. "Ha ha... Yea, I bet... Most men would say that about a nice pair of legs or a short skirt... Ha ha!"

What the fuck are you doing! Stop this!

He stops walking, looks into her eyes not bothering to avert his gaze even though she does. She inhales, closes her eyes.

"I'm sorry."

You have me flustered.

She opens her eyes, settles back into her energy.

"And if you want something to think about... You should think about getting rid of that flip phone."

He lets out a laugh so loud their friends turn around.

"What?" Maxine asks. "What's so funny...? Xio?"

"Nothing, nothing." Xiomara says, leaving Malcolm behind.

They get to the burrito place in giggles over the rules of jinx. Malcolm and Xiomara fall deep in conversation about music, the old school they both listen to, and the new artists that aren't getting enough attention. Outside of the shop the two groups go their separate ways after exchanging contacts.

"We should hang out again sometime," Tamiko says to the three temporary new additions to their group.

"Definitely." Malcolm says, eyeing Xiomara.

Their three new friends walk away and Maxine and Tamiko start in with smiles and wiggling eyebrows as soon as their backs are turned.

"Stop it." Xiomara says to Maxine and Tamiko. "We work together. He's cool or whatever..."

She doesn't dare say anything about what he said about his type. That would make this worse.

"But I met someone else tonight so... Yea. If he was interested, he would have said something, right? Don't you think? And he said nothing so... Plus we work together! I mean, rule number fucking one!"

She realizes they haven't said anything, only their smiles get wider.

"Ugh. I'm going home. See you hoes Monday."

## XIOMARA MAKES MOVES

"I'm not hearing applause!" Karl yells even before the Monday morning meeting starts. Whoops go around the room, Tamiko and Maxine start banging the table, others follow their lead.

"Xiomara?! Do you want to share?"

"Thank you, Karl... So, yes, over the weekend we had a pretty... interesting piece go viral for Real Homes. The Cops were at an open house for Real Homes about a week ago and caught someone... Well... Maybe we should show rather than tell..."

The room waits while Lisa and Xiomara work the video. Lights darken to watch a clip that is already being talked about on local entertainment news, and shared on social media. The viral moment is just starting. But Karl and her team knows how this will go; it is definitely not going to stay local.

In the clip a man is seen going through the walk-in closet of a home. He seems to try to slam each door and drawer out of frustration at not finding what he's looking for, but the only sound is two people quietly giggling and whispering in the background. Then he finds it. The drawer.

He grabs a fist full of fabrics; lace, cotton, satin underwear.

Deep reds, browns and blacks. Puts them to his nose and inhales deeply, starts to shove some items in his mouth.

Around the room Tarot PR employees groan in disgust. But no one looks away. In the background, the giggling and whispering quiets. The camera backs away from the man, obstructing the view behind a wall and the clip ends.

"So we're still looking at impressions and expect it to hit one million by this afternoon..." Xiomara says once the lights turn back on. "And hopefully, Wendy Williams' Hot Topics some time this week."

"So... What in that was real?" Sugar asks.

"Well, the underwear wasn't, that's for sure." Xiomara says. "And the two behind the camera, well that was The Cops. But that guy... He was real. Unfortunately. Disturbing. The key message here is that the house is still for sale, and people will no doubt notice those soft-close doors and drawers."

"Very nice on having The Cops laughing and giggling in the background, Xiomara."

"Thanks, Asia. We're hoping that we can create a second moment out of this soon once the house is off the market... A 'remember that guy' follow-up pitch for news outlets."

Karl beams at her end of the table. "Excellent work, Xiomara. Absolutely brilliant. This also reminds me to keep all my lingerie out of the house if I ever decide to sell."

"Does anything happen to the guy? Like, is he arrested or punished or...?" Sugar asks.

"Well, technically he didn't hurt anybody this time, but... The agency has been notified."

"And now the world knows so he probably will never be allowed in an open house ever again," Tamiko says.

"Yes, hopefully." Xiomara adds under her breath.

"This, people. This is how you do it." Karl says. "I want you all to take note. Go to Motions, look up the client, Real Homes, and really study closely what they wanted, how long we've been working with them, their competitors, everything. Especially down to what The Cops did here. Make no mistake, that wasn't without Xiomara's coaching."

More applause. Xiomara smiles graciously and shifts a little in her seat.

"And keep in mind: Real Homes is our first real estate client, so this gives us an in to an untapped market segment. Now we can't do the same thing for every real estate client, but this is an opportunity to really be creative. I know each of you have ideas like this percolating within you."

Xiomara zones out for the rest of the meeting. She has all of the information they discuss anyway, and she's ready for another conversation with Karl. Once the meeting ends, she doesn't let her get too far away.

"Karl, do you have a few minutes?"

"Oh, absolutely, Xiomara. Is this about Real Homes?"

"Yes, and no. Let's... Chat in your office."

They walk past the reception area, kitchen and smaller boardroom, down the aisle that separates the Tarot employee desks on each side of the main office area.

Once inside Karl's office, Xiomara closes the door.

"So... I'm assuming you might know what this is about. Karl, I've been in this role now for a year and a half. Real Homes is happy, there was candle whacks for Orchid. I'm ready for the next step. How do we make that happen?"

"Xiomara... I don't want you to think I don't see how hard your working, or the clients, and your successes. Trust me, I am fully aware that you have handled Orchid pretty much on your own ever since you've started here. You are right, you are ready for the next step, but nothing has changed since the last time we talked."

Xiomara sighs softly and looks at the ceiling.

"You are at the very top at Tarot PR, you know that."

"So what do you suggest I do here? What would you do here?"

"I can't answer that for you. All I can say is I know what you need, and I'm doing my best to grow this agency so you can get to the next level in your career. Can you give me time to work this out?"

Xiomara shakes her head. She'd worked at Tarot PR for five years, was in her current role for the last two.

"In the meantime, you'll have to stay at your current role. I'm working things out, possibly something that could give everyone a great opportunity, and that could give you the next step in your career. Just give me some time. You'll have to be patient, okay?"

"Okay, Karl." She says with uncertainty.

"Thanks for your understanding, I do appreciate it. And I will say we have some interesting opportunities that have come up recently... I can't say too much about any of it now, just... Stay tuned."

Xiomara walks out of the private office making sure to leave Karl's office door closed behind her.

Stay tuned.

She grabs her phone, no purse in case Karl comes back out looking for her. Down the elevator and outside onto the sidewalk. Jimmy's Coffee is packed this time in the morning, but that's what she's hoping for. No one from Tarot would be there just after the meeting. Or should be there.

In line behind a pair of agency-types like herself, she opens the email from Lindsay by YAPR and sends a reply.

Subject: RE (:

Hey Lindsay,

I'm interested in having a conversation. What would the next step be?

She takes a few steps in line when her phone buzzes.

**Subject** : RE: RE (:

Exciting!

You'll have to meet with the SVP or VP of our team... Expect to see something in your calendar soon.

She orders a latte and takes a seat on a bench in the coffee shop's backyard outdoor area. While waiting she checks on impressions for the #protectyourpanties work for Real Homes. Tamiko sends her a video clip, one of the first pieces of coverage from that morning. The news anchor says the hashtag, then follows it right up with a line straight from the package the Tarot team had shared: "One thing I noticed was those cabinets! I mean, he is trying his best to slam those doors and we don't hear a sound!"

Nice. She writes to Tamiko.

**Subject** : RE: RE: RE (:

Ok, you'll be meeting our SVP DeMarkus Grey, but he's only available next Wednesday, it would have to be after work hours. Is that okay for you?

Xiomara writes back right away.

**Subject** : RE:...

Absolutely. Just let me know when and where.

She finishes the latte and heads back to the office, accepting the new calendar invite from her personal account to meet DeMarkus, YAPR's Senior Vice President of Corporate and Consumer Affairs, for coffee at O & B Canteen at the TIFF Bell Lightbox building a few blocks east.

## MAXINE'S NIGHT WITH DUKE

Duke: Just got to the bar.

"Okay!" Maxine says out loud, suddenly aware she's actually speaking to no one.

This is awkward, it had been months since she last went out on a date. And this date was going to be an awkward one. She and Duke met at work, specifically when Tarot pitched his company, Technii, a year ago. Since then numbers were exchanged, and a flirtation started over WhatsApp. He was harmless enough, the conversations were always fun, then his engagement ended and he wasted no time asking her out on a date. She cut him down quickly, because of Angel.

Then after what happened at the hotel, she went home and messaged him immediately.

She gets to the bar five minutes after his text and finds him seated on a stool by the bar with an empty seat beside him. The place is slightly packed with people hanging around outside, debating whether or not to go in.

It is Duke's thighs that she can't stop staring at. Then when he turns his head, to call the waiter, or put his drink down, she lets her eyes wander down. He's noticed, he must have noticed at least once, but doesn't seem to mind.

What are they talking about? She can't remember. Oh yes, how and where they met.

Calm down.

"I actually thought you had a boyfriend... That guy, what was his name?"

"Nope, no boyfriend," she smiles tightly. "I— I'm sorry to hear about the whole engagement thing." She says to him to change the focus of the conversation.

"Nah, don't apologize." He says, looking away for a moment. "We're both happier now, trust me."

"Yea, I know what that's like." She says.

His knee touches her hip. Her back straightens just a little, as if shocked. She turns, those thighs threatening to distract her eyes, but she pulls her gaze in effortlessly. Is that— was that a twitch in his pants? She looks down to check, doesn't want to hide that she's looking. The corners of his mouth turn up, slow.

Does he eat pussy? What does he do with those lips besides talk? And smile.

"Ah, so someone tried to tie you down?"

"You could say that. I was engaged for two years. A century ago."

"Really?"

Maxine nods.

"Those stories are never good." He says.

"Yes, especially when the breakup comes as a surprise."

"Geez, really?" Duke's eyebrows go up. "Shit!"

Maxine takes another sip of her drink.

"How long were you and Sandy together?"

"Eight months," Duke says. "When I think back, her getting hired at Technii probably ruined the relationship."

"Did it?"

"Well, I saw a new side of her. I'll say that."

"And so you're both working at Technii now? That sounds awkward."

"Yea, well... Being here with you makes up for that."

She turns back to her drink with a smile. This game won't last much longer, but now she wonders how patient he could be. How patient she could be.

"So you're not seeing anyone else?" He asks.

"Nope. Not looking for anything serious right now... Just... having fun." She turns and looks at him again, this time maintains eye contact. Let the stare linger for a little longer. That line inspired from Tamiko works.

Message received.

The bill is paid, Maxine and Duke are outside waiting for an Uber to his place. It's closer, ten minutes away. Once in the car his hand reaches around, up her back and around her neck. His lips are firm, gently part her lips, in between her teeth. She is open. He's a good kisser. She's a good kisser. There's that at least.

They get to the apartment, continue where they left off in the Uber. Maxine takes off one heel.

"No, don't." Duke pulls her close instead, pushes in between her thighs so she can feel him hard. They're exactly the same height, their bodies fit together like two horny puzzle pieces. He searches around for the place in between her legs where his lips will go later. The heels help him find it. He pushes her up against the wall, drives his dick harder in that space. She's wet. He knows this through boxers, pants, zipper, skirt. Panties.

His hand pulls her skirt up, goes right for the spot where his dick was pushing through. A thong. His fingers fumble around the lace fabric. Maxine pulls her lips off of his, turning her face so she can speak.

"Careful. Don't rip them."

He can follow instructions. His hand pulls the fabric away from her pussy, already feeling the creamy wet that's in there. Maxine moans as he plays with her clit first, using his shaky hand to rub his finger against it. The ridges of his fingerprint pull her close, push her away.

"Oh, fuck." She says, exposing her neck. He latches on with teeth, sucking at the skin and immediately leaving a mark. Suddenly he's bent down, has her up by the thighs and almost over his shoulder. On the bed they're a mass of taking off clothes and making out as he slips a condom on and she immediately wraps her lips around the tip of his dick. His hand goes to her ass as she takes the whole length of his penis into her mouth. When he's ready to come he pulls out, goes down to eat her pussy from behind. Her breath inhales, sharp. Again, he flips her around, pushes her down on the bed and slides his head between her thighs. His tongue starts down, slips inside her vagina to lick some of her cream up to the hood of her pussy, and back down again.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god," her breasts rise under his hands, he pulls them apart as his mouth wraps around her clit, holds and sucks.

Light flashes in the dark. Maxine's eyes are closed but she can see her pussy in Duke's mouth, can see all of her cream going down his throat and chin. She squirts down the front of his chest.

"Aw, fuck, yes!!" He yells, his mouth muffled by her urethra and lips. Once she's fighting to get away from him he pulls away, moves up and slides his hard dick inside Maxine's pussy. She arches her hips up pushing him away, turns over to offer her ass. She can feel his dick everywhere inside of her. In her cheeks, still in her mouth. She pulls off him, starts sucking his dick. He comes, too fast, but it's fine. She's spent.

They lay in bed for an hour, breathing, not talking or even looking at one another, half wishing they had slowed down, enjoyed it more. Duke turns when he's finally collected himself, opens his mouth to say something but a snore comes from deep in Maxine's throat.

###

When her eyes open the next morning, the sun is just coming up. She moves in the bed, causing Ray to wake too. Their eyes meet again, now full of sleep.

"Morning," Maxine says, her mouth half muffled into the pillow, in case her breath is bad.

"Good morning," Duke says with a small smile.

"Do you mind if I use your bathroom?"

"Sure, it's just out by the front door..."

"Thanks." Maxine gets out of bed. She finds the shirt he was wearing the night before on the bed. "You mind if I wear this?"

Duke grins at her, puts his hands behind his head.

She slides one arm through a sleeve and notices a Revel badge hanging off a clip attached to his computer desk in the living room.

"Coffee?" He asks from the kitchen when she comes out of the bathroom.

"Oh please, yes."

"Are you in a hurry?"

"I never rush on Saturdays."

"Huh. I like that."

"Um!" Maxine's attention is drawn to a far wall in Duke's apartment. "What the hell is this!" She runs over and pulls an object out from behind his computer desk.

"Ugh... That? You remember when the Raptors won the NBA championships?"

"Don't insult my intelligence, Duke."

"A bunch of people at the games had those huge Drake heads they were waving around...? Well our CEO wanted to do the same thing..."

"Oh, no..."

Duke sighs and shakes his head. Looks back at what he has on the stove. "We were kind of hoping to get some attention out of it, but... pfft." He shrugs.

"Oh, that is unfortunate." She looks at the large head in pity. "It's kind of hard to do that kind of thing, go viral off of something a celebrity has already done? Usually it's got to be a very specific and it's gotta be..." Maxine snaps her finger with the hand that is not holding the cardboard head. "An immediate connection, you know?"

"Yea, we learned that the hard way." He says.

"What kind of attention was your team trying to get? Like, what was it for?"

She puts the head back where she found it and walks back to the kitchen.

Duke chuckles looking through his kitchen cabinets. "What would Karl say if she knew you were trying to pitch me here, right now?"

"You know sex sells." She walks up behind him. He puts a pan down, turns around to plant another kiss on Maxine's lips. Pushes in between her legs, a reminder of the night before. He wraps an arm around her back, moves in to kiss her again pushes his tongue gently between her lips.

"Speaking of," she asks when they stop again. "Are you happy with your current agency?"

Duke laughs through his nose and turns the stove on.

"How do you like your eggs?" He asks.

"Surprise me." Maxine takes a sip of the coffee he handed her. "Mm, delicious. You cook and make a good coffee. Nice."

## OPTION THREE: SEAN

Sean arrives at Xiomara's building for their Friday night date while she's upstairs, fully dressed, looking at Ray's recent posts on Twitter.

Her willpower to stay away only lasted a couple days, but was weak under boredom. And habit. The latest update she looks at is a picture of him and a bunch of friends in some remote space, gear on their backs, mountains in the background. He's tagged some resort space, the caption: BC for the weekend? Sure.

In the elevator going down she gets prepared. Today she won't be in Ray's old neighbourhood, but she can still check up on him afterwards, maybe do a walk through depending on where the date ends.

Through the building door she sees a familiar looking guy, takes a moment to compare against the person she met at the 819 after party, standing with his hands behind his back.

"Hey..." He says to her. His arms come out from behind him.

"Oh, wow..." She takes a small bouquet of flowers and smiles up at him. "Thank you, so much, these are nice!"

"You're welcome," He says with a grin, and turns to open a door to a lime green dodge charger that she didn't see at first from the door. Xiomara's eyes go wide in disbelief.

"Uhhhh... This is you?"

She wants to turn around immediately, go back upstairs and send him home, but she gets in anyway.

"Nice..." She says warily as the door closes. The inside looks like it should be doused heavily with Axe body spray, is completely black with lime green accents. Lime furry dice hang from the rearview mirror.

"You really didn't have to get me flowers..." She says as he sits in the driver's seat.

"It's no worry... They were sitting around the house..."

"Ohhh, ha! I feel like I'm on set..."

"Yea, isn't it great?" He says.

They ride in silence for a few minutes. Xiomara goes back to Ray's Twitter feed, looking at the people who liked the post. She puts the phone away, looks out the window, frustrated that he was out in the world, seemingly living his best life.

"So what's the deal with this car?" Xiomara asks. "It's... a little flashy, no?"

"Yea, it is. But I worked hard for it... It's my dream car..."

"Absolutely! Totally."

"So did you... Did you hear my question?"

She tries to remember what he asked, but she was distracted looking at Ray's Twitter feed. Sean shifts gears again.

"Uh... No... What did you ask?"

"Don't worry. Not important."

"So do you get in races all the time with random strangers? Like, do you ever stop to pull up to a red light?"

He clears his throat. Waits a beat. "Do you want to do this?"

"What do you mean?" Xiomara turns to look at him but he keeps his eyes fixed on the road.

He had started to drive towards the highway, but shifts gears again to slow down.

"This. Struggle through three or four hours, forcing yourself to listen, making small talk."

"Oh, so you're saying you don't...?"

Sean shrugs, looks over to change lanes and slides the car over to turn left.

"I just get the feeling you're turned off. Or not really here. I'm neutral, to be honest."

"Oh. Well... Okay, I actually did kind of like you. I was just teasing..." Xiomara's skin burns.

"Yea, I get that." He says, makes the turn.

"I don't understand where this is coming from..."

"I saw how you looked at the car when I opened the door. And, you're attractive and all, but in the light of day... I think it's just better to be honest. That way we're not wasting any time."

"Where are you going?"

"I can give you a drop home."

"Alright, Sean. No need to do that, I can walk from here."

Sean carefully pulls over to the right side of the street.

"Do you want these back?" Xiomara gestures towards him with the flowers but he shakes his head.

"Nah, keep 'em. They were a gift."

"Ok, thanks for the... short ride around the city I guess?"

"You have a good one."

The car comes to a stop. She gets out, throws the flowers back down on the passenger seat and closes the door, careful not to slam it.

She makes a quick calculation to figure out where she is in relation to Ray's neighbourhood and walks down the street in the opposite direction that Sean drives off in, makes a left and waits at the first streetcar stop she finds.

The world goes by outside of the window stop by stop, not in a hurry at all, neither is she. There's a glimpse of a small park near Ray's neighbourhood, a place where he told her once that he would use as space to stretch before or after a run. From the street it doesn't look like much, just one bench in the middle of grass, a few trees on each side. Behind the bench, the earth slopes down to a bigger expanse of trees, a pathway, a river and small bridge over it.

She rings the bell to get off. He wouldn't be there now, she reasons, was probably getting off a plane somewhere or recovering from the weekend at a friend's place. She was still willing to risk it. Right now it felt necessary to be surrounded by trees and fresh air.

Her eyes sting after she gets off the streetcar. Behind the bench she descends a flight of stairs in the earth that go deeper into the park. It's the shelter Ray provided that has left a large hole, she feels it circling in her chest now.

"You okay?" A woman passing by on the path notices Xiomara's wet face.

"Yes, I'm fine, thank you."

The woman smiles warmly, walks away.

This bit of tenderness drops into Xiomara's core, right where the pain is. She goes deeper into the park to a bench in a more secluded area. Somewhere she can try to compose herself and process. What happened with Sean wasn't that big a deal. Almost refreshing, actually, to experience that bluntness, that honesty.

But if things had worked out with Ray, I would have never met someone like Sean. The thought repeats in her head. She cringes at what it means to date anyone new now.

This is bad.

This whole dating thing... It's bad.

Tears spill down her cheeks. She wipes at her face aggressively with the palm of her hands.

If he was in my life now, I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not someone else is attracted to me, would totally avoid these awkward first dates and horrible chit chat.

This. Is. The. Worst.

###

Twenty minutes later, she's got to get away from the park, try and get herself out of the coming funk.

Xio: We need to go out tonight. Had a five-minute date with Sean.

Then, a few minutes later when she's at the streetcar stop:

Xio: Anywhere BUT Flashlight, please.

They end up a Grio, a hole in the wall place with a grungy exterior and club in the basement. The bar is lit only by strings of Christmas lights hang behind bottles of alcohol, creating little dark glow lights of green, blue, red, and yellow. They settle in to seats at the bar. Tamiko in the middle, with her eyes locked on the door so she can see who is coming and going.

"So what happened?" She asks Xiomara while they wait for the first round.

"Ok, so Sean comes to pick me up and hands me this nice bunch of flowers, right? Then he opens the car door to this lime green—"

"What."

"Yes. Lime green dodge charger, straight out of Fast and Furious."

Maxine starts to laugh.

"It was a nice, yes, but Lime. Green."

"Did you say anything to him?"

"Of course! We get in the car, drive along and I said it feels like I'm on set, then I ask him, what's the deal with this, it's kind of flashy. Well I don't know if that turned him off or what, but next thing I know he's making a left turn and asking if I still want to do this..."

"What!"

"Exactly. So I'm like, where is this coming from? And he says I'm attractive, but in the light of day dot dot dot."

Tamiko's eyebrows go up, she leans back in her seat with her chin down.

"Wait. I don't understand," Maxine says. "You made a couple comments about his car and then he just flips?"

"No, it wasn't even that dramatic! He was just very calmly, like, do we really want to spend the next three hours?"

"That does seem a little dramatic," Tamiko says.

Three glasses of wine land in front of them. They clink and sip.

"Well..." Her eyes avert for a second, betrays that she's keeping some details hidden. "I was checking my phone and he asked me something and, yea, I didn't hear him, but I asked him what he said he said it wasn't important..."

"Oh, girl."

"It's just, like, I'm walking back home," Xiomara takes another sip; _walking home_ , but she hides being in a park in Ray's neighbourhood. "And I realize if things didn't go down with Ray the way they went down, I wouldn't have had to deal with any of this."

"Oh come on, Xio, I don't know about that." Tamiko says.

"No, seriously! He had a motorcycle, yea, but he was honestly a good guy... He would never drive around in something like that. It just seems like... I can't hold on to guys like that."

"No!" Maxine puts her drink down and points at Xiomara. "Absolutely not. You just said it yourself, Ray had a fucking motorcycle. You don't get much more flashy than that."

"Right?!" Tamiko joins in. "You wanna talk about Fast and the Furious!"

"You have a real blind spot when it comes to him," Maxine says. "Like, seriously. And Ray said he didn't have feelings for you like that! At least this Sean was honest!"

"And stop with this 'Ray was a good guy' shit." Tamiko continues. "He led you on for almost a year, Xio! Good guys don't move like that. If you were still with him, you'd be dealing with something else. Being self-conscious 'cause he won't stop staring at other women."

"Yea, trying to figure out why he won't commit." Maxine says.

"Or why he won't introduce you to his friends. And remember?! Hey!" Tamiko slaps Xiomara's arm lightly. "We don't do this pining after, crying after men shit?!"

Xiomara shakes her head, doesn't speak. Takes a big gulp of the wine in front of her. She'd forgotten how much of her relationship with Ray that her friends knew about. There was no arguing with anything they said. They had all her receipts. Almost all of them.

Tamiko opens her mouth to say something else but Xiomara points a finger in her face.

"Don't say it. If you even think about mentioning that person I think you're going to mention? Don't."

"Give me your phone." Maxine puts her hand out.

"Why." Xiomara panics at the thought that they will unlock it and see Ray's Twitter feed somewhere in her recent history. They'd walk right out of Grio. She would never hear the end of it.

"Just let me see your phone. Stop asking questions."

Xiomara reaches in her bag, but pulls away from Maxine's hand after unlocking it.

"No. Tell me what you want to do."

Tamiko looks over her shoulder. Xiomara hides it against her chest and turns so they can't see what she's doing. She quickly closes Twitter and Instagram, confident that's the only place where any evidence of her ex hides.

"Ok, what." She puts the phone back down so they can see what she's doing.

"Open your text messages."

She opens her texts, and shows them. Tamiko clicks on one.

"What are you doing!"

"There, look!" Tamiko says.

"Good. Good eye, Tam," Maxine says.

"Better yet," Tamiko takes the phone away from Xiomara and gets out of her seat, runs around Maxine, starts to write.

"I don't give a shit," Xiomara mutters. She leans back in her seat and nurses the drink in front of her instead. "You guys want a second glass?"

"No, no..." Maxine says, looking at whatever Tamiko is writing on the screen.

More typing happens.

"Yes. Perfect. Send."

Xiomara gets the waiter's attention to order a second round. She takes the phone back out of Tamiko's hands while they watch the device excitedly. The bartender comes by with a bottle of white and refills their three glasses.

"What, you guys are waiting for a response? Isn't that against the rules?"

"Ah, now you're getting it!" Tamiko clinks her glass against Xiomara's. The phone buzzes while she has it in her hand.

ViKtor: Sure, my representative is free tomorrow? A Saturday afternoon date? *smile emoji*

## OPTION TWO, DATE TWO: VIKTOR

Xiomara shows up for her second date with Viktor half enthusiastic and half exhausted. She'd only checked Ray's social media twice during the morning, saw no new posts or anything he liked recently that gave her any more information.

They talk about almost the same things they talked about last time: favourite shows, favourite things to do, favourite foods, his growing up in Russia. Today she wants to go deeper.

"So... Would you say you're looking for something serious or just dating for fun?"

"Uh... I'd say dating for fun. I like you, but... I'm just coming out of something serious."

She thinks she sees his left eye twitch. He looked sweatier than the last time they saw each other, not drastic, just slightly.

"Sorry if I've... disappointed you, or given you the wrong impression," he says, noticing her change in mood.

"Oh, no! No, sorry... This isn't... That's not a disappointment to me at all. I'm actually... I'm coming out of something too. Not serious, but still."

"Ah, really? You kind of remind me of her, actually."

What?

"Yea, she had... Curly hair like yours..." He continues. "Her name was... You know what, it doesn't matter."

He takes a big gulp from the pint in front of him. "It's just, everything changed abruptly, you know? I'm kind of confused about it all."

They're quiet for a while before Xiomara finds a way to ask what she wants to ask.

"Last time we met... It didn't seem like you were... Like anything was wrong. Did something change?"

"Yea, you could say that was my representative... Ha ha." His laugh is dead. He takes another sip of his beer. "We... my ex and I... We were talking about maybe reconciling, just taking a break. So I went out on dates, thinking... thinking we'd get back together eventually."

"Oh..."

"And then when we made plans, I called her to talk. Said I was going out on a second date with someone, and asked her if I should..."

"And she said...?"

"Yes. She said I should go. Told me she was ready to move on..."

It's as if someone has put Xiomara in front of a dirty mirror and wiped it down with a towel. Those words from Viktor's mouth, that feeling — of being attracted to someone who looked like... someone else — familiar in the worst way.

Now she can see how red the rims of his eyes are, small, slightly wet bags just underneath. It becomes clear, why they were attracted to each other in the first place, why she felt so comfortable with him. She sits back in her chair.

"Well, you seem like a good guy... I don't think she did whatever she did lightly." He looks up.

Xiomara isn't sure if she's crossing a line, but these are the words she'd hope someone would say to her if the tables were turned. And it was clear this date with Viktor was going nowhere.

"If you're feeling this way about everything," she continues, "your ex has to be feeling something too."

"How do you know."

"Well I don't. But if she has any sensitivity at all, then... then... she has to feel something, I think."

"You're just saying that..."

Even through his words she can tell he still hopes there's some truth to what she's saying. He pulls out his phone, unlocks it and presses some buttons Xiomara can't see. When he turns it around she sees an image from Instagram, a woman who does look like her, medium-toned skin, a mass of curly hair cut with a short bang. She wears a halter top and a pair of shorts on a bike. Outside on a street in the sunshine. Living her best life. Glowing face, perfect natural look. Dewy lips.

Xiomara clears her throat.

"She's gorgeous."

"Yea. And she's not answering my calls. At least she hasn't blocked me, right?"

Too close.

"I should go..." Xiomara says, reaching for her bag.

"No, I'm sorry. Ah, fuck. Look, I shouldn't have done that. Don't leave. We can talk about something else."

She gets some money from her purse and puts it on the table for the wine and apps they'd ordered.

"Don't worry about it. We're more alike than you think... I'm gonna head home... You have a good night."

###

Holy shit.

Is that me?

The drinking...? She remembers the second glass of wine at Grio with Maxine and Tamiko. Bottles at home that seemed to empty on their own.

Red-rimmed eyes and tears...? No. Then those days just after Revel, running back and forth from the bathroom.

One thing she couldn't deny. Viktor hanging out on his ex girlfriend's Instagram was the mirror to her. He was probably still in the bar, looking her up right now. Muttering to himself about how difficult dating was, and how everything would have been fine if he was still...

Fuck this.

Fuck this.

Fuck this.

Xiomara gets home, takes her clothes off immediately as if whatever she saw in herself and in Viktor had turned into dust and covered what she was wearing. She gets out of the shower and deletes her search histories. Removes him from her Instagram, Twitter and Facebook, he wouldn't notice. He definitely wouldn't take it personally. There wasn't much more to do than that.

But what to do instead of look at his feeds before bed? Every night for weeks now she was going back and forth between his social media and whatever she was doing. It was a habit that needed to be broken.

Fuck that.

I'll do whatever it takes.

Newly determined to do something else, anything else, she picks up a book she had stopped reading months ago. This night would be hard, but it will get easier. Hopefully.

###

"Well, twins--" Xiomara says to Tamiko and Maxine when she gets on the streetcar that Monday.

"Really? Twins? Not you too!" Tamiko moans.

"Love the extensions!" She says to Tamiko.

"Yea, thanks, twin." Tamiko responds sarcastically. "What's going on."

"I have a little confession to make.... So. I went out with Viktor on Saturday... And, turns out, he just broke up with his girlfriend."

"Really?" Tamiko tsks.

"Yep. But that's... Not the worst of it. He brought out a picture of his ex and showed it to me—"

"What?!" Maxine says.

"And I realized that is what I look like. He was me!"

Tamiko and Maxine both give Xiomara confused looks.

"You know how Feme told me Ray was seeing someone else? Well since then I've been on his Instagram, Twitter, basically anywhere I could find him online, trying to see if he really did move on. What's worse is that those dates I went on with Mike and Viktor..." She lowers her voice. "I kind of... made sure they happened in Ray's neighbourhood."

"Why?"

"Well..." Xiomara sighs, suddenly not wanting to continue this conversation on the streetcar. "I was kind of walking around the neighbourhood, hoping to bump into him."

"Okay?" Tamiko says.

"But on this date with Viktor, I basically saw, like, what I was doing. I saw myself."

"What do you mean by... were you basically," Maxine copies Xiomara's lowered voice. "Stalking Ray?"

"Yes." Xiomara says. "The reason why Sean wanted to end our date? I was on Ray's Twitter, looking at his posts and he asked me a question that I did not hear at all. Then when he dropped me off I found my way to Ray's neighbourhood, again, hoping to bump into him..." Now Xiomara pauses, realizes what she's saying. "I... wasn't really telling you guys everything—"

"Tuh! Clearly." Tamiko says.

"But, yea. It was pretty bad."

"How bad... Like, does he have a restraining order against you?"

"No, no... Nothing like that. I'd just, you know, do my research. Re-read the messages we exchanged while we were together, look for any women in his comments or likes, check his previous texts and cross reference them against posts so I could get a sense of how he was feeling, check what he posted while we were dating, check for women in the background of his photos, that kind of thing. The basics."

Maxine and Tamiko's eyes go wide. They look at each other and back at Xiomara.

"But all of that isn't the point. The point is, I saw Viktor on Saturday and it all changed. No mas."

"I don't even know what to say..." Maxine says. "Tamiko?"

"Don't look at me! All I have are more questions. So you were doing this stuff," Tamiko turns to Xiomara. "While we were doing all this stuff with Angel? The whole time you were going on dates and meeting guys and everything?"

"It didn't really seem like you still were super upset over everything?" Maxine says.

"Uh, yea, I mean... It would be fine when I was out with you guys, or at work... most of the time. But then I'd go home and... it was easier to just. Look up his shit instead of doing anything else. You know what that's like, right?"

Xiomara turns to Maxine.

"Well we've all done that shit at some point, but..." Tamiko answers. "I'm just... surprised, is all."

"Yea. So am I." Maxine says.

They get off the streetcar at their stop. Xiomara beside Maxine with Tamiko a little up ahead. Xiomara tries to look at Maxine, but she averts her eyes.

Shit.

The walk to the building is tense. Xiomara feels a panic bigger than any she'd ever felt with Ray. She wants to say something, anything, to mend whatever tear just happened between them but doesn't know what words are appropriate.

Tamiko presses a button for the elevator and the three get inside.

"Okay, I'm sorr—"

"No." Tamiko snaps her head to Xiomara. "Look, I love you, and I know I have my own shit to deal with, but no. You need to make a choice. Either you're a bad bitch and you know your worth, or... Or you're that girl. The one stalking your ex and whining 'bout oh, I'm not Malcolm's type because I'm not a skinny light-skinned mehhh." Tamiko mocks. "Look at me, I'm not light-skinned. But I don't think that way, I don't say shit like that and I don't fuck with women who think that way. Especially about themselves."

The doors open on the Tarot PR floor and the heavy cloud of tension from the street spills out with them. It's thickened. Maxine feels like she can hardly breathe.

"You don't hang out with women who think that way either." Tamiko says to her. For a while there is no talking. The friends stand in the hall, not saying a word. , Xiomara is sure Karl is going to come outside and ask them what's going on.

The elevator doors open. Asia and Brionna come out and smile, but don't say anything, clearly feeling something going on in the corner.

"I don't know why you're pretending. I don't know why you're acting like this."

Tamiko's nose flares. She looks away and breathes heavily.

"I know..." Xiomara whispers. "I know. You're right..."

Tamiko inhales deeply. "Come on, let's go in. I just... This is frustrating, seeing you like this. We okay?"

Xiomara nods, tears falling from both of her eyes. They walk into the office quietly. She makes her way to the bathroom in the opposite direction from their desks. Doesn't look away from her own reflection in the bathroom mirror. Phone buzzes with a text message. The Monday meeting is in three minutes. She grabs a tissue and wipes at her face gently, throws her head back and groans.

She's right.

Of course she's fucking right.

She leaves the bathroom after wiping under her eyes again.

Xio: Think I'll need that number for your therapist Tam.

## VIRAL... MOMENT?

"Any viral moments?"

The room gets quiet, all eyes avoid looking in Karl's direction.

"Tami—"

"I think I might have one?" Everyone looks at Sugar.

"Really?" Karl doesn't hide her surprise. "Well, that's great! Do you want to..."

"Uh, well, it's for a make-up client? The project is #muaeveryone—"

"Sorry, what does that mean?" Karl asks.

"Oh, basically the #muaeveryone project idea is that everyone is a make-up artist... Or can be a make-up artist. And the influencers are two drag queens; Richard the Drag Queen and Money Exchange. On the last episode of their video podcast they talk about this kid who perfectly applies their own make-up."

"Oh! So I guess you can check that task off your list." Karl says. "This sounds marvellous!"

"Lisa, can you help me...?" Sugar gestures towards the boardroom television. She and Lisa work for a few minutes to lower the lights and display the video on screen.

They watch as Sugar fast forwards a video featuring the two drag queens to the 23 minute mark. She unmutes the recording, turns the volume down.

"So... Did you see this?" One of the queens says. "Everyone's talking about this kid applying their own make-up..."

Another screen behind the queens shows a little girl, about six years old, hair in a scrunchy at the very top of her head, not quite keeping the ends of her hair out of her eyes. She holds up an eyeliner pen in her hand to the camera, says gibberish, presumably about the colour and product. The queens laugh in the background, along with some people in the boardroom at Tarot PR. She then applies the eyeliner to her lid like an expert make-up artist would.

"Impressive." Tamiko says quietly.

The clip of the girl pauses and the queens get back to their discussion.

"Ok, I low-key saw her with that pen and thought she was going to poke an eye out..." The second drag queen says. "But I know a bunch of people are talking about this online. And I call bullshit..."

"What?! Richard, how can you call bullshit? That little girl—"

"Oh, I'm not calling bullshit on the little girl, Money, like, I believe she's watched hundreds of make-up artists on YouTube, she's got her technique right and everything. I'm calling bullshit on this being real. Girl, this. Is. An. Ad."

"What? An ad for what?! We're not talking about any company, we're not pushing any product—"

"Please. Please do not tell me you're that naïve. The make-up company! Boviously!"

"Ok, first of all, stop saying that, it is so old..."

"Oh, you shading me now? I am three years older then you, Money please. My point is..." Money tries to interject but the queen named Richard overtalks her. "My point is! What we're not going to do, is give these companies out here free advertising if they're not going to write the check! And let's not even get into how it's a little gross that they're using a child to sell product. So moving on! Next topic!"

Richard the Drag Queen bangs a gavel on the desk and Sugar pauses the video. Lisa presses a button on her phone and the lights come back on in the room.

"Thanks for sharing this, Sugar. So... Thoughts? Anyone?"

Karl waits a moment to give people the chance to speak, but continues anyway.

"Well, Sugar, while I will congratulate you on accomplishing the task I gave you, and so quickly after starting at Tarot, I wouldn't really consider this a win... Any idea why?"

"Yea..." Sugar sighs quietly, looks back at Richard and Money paused on the big screen. "I figured it wasn't great that they started to talk about the video being a fake."

"Exactly. Now a lot of people will still watch and share because it is great, but once that 'f' word comes up, we've lost credibility."

"You could say even if it is fake, that will draw even more people to looking at it," Tamiko proposes. "And in this case it might work because of the audience..."

"That is true, but most people will just move on to the next thing." Karl responds. "We know this, we have the research on that. But it's a good lesson for all of us Sugar, especially you, being new here. Moving forward you can better work with The Cops and the team here to avoid that. This is one of the reasons Xiomara's viral moment from last week did so well, there was authenticity there. It was in the details, the angle of the camera, giggling in the background, those kinds of things..."

Sugar nods.

"What do you think went wrong here? Or what do you think you could have done to really bring this to a win?" Karl asks her.

"I think... Well because of the way the video is set up it really does kind of look like an ad. And that's not a bad thing, but... I actually think it would have been better not to reach out to Richard about the video... Maybe instead go to a drag queen, one who doesn't have a podcast? Or stay away from drag queens entirely because... They know makeup and they would have picked this up if another makeup artist talked about it? And then just... let the internet do what it does."

"Oh, that's good!" Tamiko says, trying to lend some encouragement.

"Yes, that is good. Good thinking," Karl agrees. "You know the audience and understand what we do, so... Keep at it. We're rooting for you."

"Yes, we're all rooting for you," Maxine adds with a chuckle.

"What... what's the joke?" Karl asks when other people in the room titter.

## TAMIKO SEES ROSALYN AGAIN

"So by that look on your face, I'm guessing you have some exciting news?" Dr. Rosalyn asks Tamiko. The two take their usual seats.

"Yes, I do. I have a date. This Thursday." Tamiko reaches down to grab the notebook Dr. Rosalyn gave her out of her bag.

"Well that's good news. How do you feel about it?"

Tamiko opens to a fresh page. It's more wrinkled now than when Dr. Rosalyn first gave it to her, the edges of the cover are turned down and discoloured from being knocked around.

"Good but not good." Tamiko says. "At first I was excited... This guy seems interesting, not the type I would have gone for at all, but I thought... this is me, getting out of my comfort zone. I'm proud of myself..."

"But?" Rosalyn jots something down.

"This is scary! Look, I'll give you two examples, both from Xiomara weirdly enough, but check this out. She goes on a date with this guy we met one night out, right? I'm being all friendly and stuff, like you told me to do—"

The doctor puts her hand up.

"Let's make a distinction here. You being 'friendly' or 'nice', as you put it," Rosalyn puts her key words in air quotes. "I don't want you to think that this was something I told you to do. This was more about you discovering — or rediscovering — a part of yourself that even you said, you had lost. Okay? I am sorry for interrupting... Please continue."

"Okay, I'm being all... lit, it's not a problem, I use a lot of the self-talk... tips you've given me in previous sessions..." Rosalyn nods her head to agree. "So now my friends are also meeting guys, and Xiomara meets this one guy who she goes out on a date with and he basically ends it while they're on the way to a movie theatre. He just... turns around and says he doesn't want to do this anymore, says she's 'attractive enough' but doesn't want to waste his time."

Rosalyn listens intently, jots one point down quickly.

"Then she goes out with another dude, first date's fine. Second date he reveals he's going through his own breakup and shows her a picture of his ex and everything. Now I'm not saying my friends don't have their own problems, because, please."

A flash of a memory passes in Tamiko's mind, Xiomara on the streetcar and what she said about the dates she went on.

"But earlier this year, Xiomara was totally blindsided by another guy. And straight up, I don't want to deal with that shit. Never mind from the men who I'm kind of interested in, or the ones I've convinced myself to date out of loneliness or whatever. What's worse is real feelings. Like, I start to like somebody and then..."

"You get blindsided, or they ghost or they turn out to be completely different than you thought they were."

Tamiko puts her hand out towards the doctor as if accepting change in coins. This is the very thing that led her to shutting down in the first place.

"Let's double back on something you said just now... something about convincing yourself to like someone? Out of being lonely? What's that about."

"Things people my age do." Tamiko says with a shrug.

"That doesn't make any sense. And I'm not sitting across from people your age, I am sitting across from you. Besides, you said it's been a year since your last date?" The doctor flips back to a previous note, looks up at Tamiko.

"Yes."

"Ok, so the it seems like you are very capable of not just liking someone out of loneliness."

"I'm saying, when I do meet someone who I can get close to, physically, I don't even have to really like the person, I could just get... comfortable. In a situationship."

"Ah, I see." Dr. Rosalyn writes something on her notepad. "Okay. This makes sense now. But it doesn't. First, you are blowing all of this way out of proportion. Okay? And I want to commend you on really doing the work to get outside of your comfort zone. That said, I can understand why all of these fearful thoughts are coming up now.

"In a way, you're right. This is scary. It's scary when anyone makes moves like this. But now that you know that, you can do things to help yourself. You can make different choices instead of going back and doing the same things you did before."

Tamiko starts to make her own notes while the doctor pauses. She writes down that she may be blowing things out of proportion, and that it's normal that she would be scared after making a change.

"So, when did you say the date was, tomorrow?" Rosalyn asks as Tamiko finishes what she's writing.

"Yep."

"Ok, so here's what I want you to try. Have you ever meditated before?"

Tamiko writes down meditation. "A little," she replies.

"Ok, good. I'll send you a couple links to some YouTube videos, they're great. The other thing I want you to try is more positive self-talk. Some people call them mantras, or affirmations or whatever. We do this all the time, but I want you to be more intentional with your self-talk."

"Uh, kay?" Tamiko writes down 'more positive self-talk', not sure of what those words mean exactly.

"Alright," Dr. Rosalyn says with a chuckle. "Let's go over some examples..."

## TAMIKO'S DATE WITH PEYTON

Tamiko pulls out her notebook and takes a seat on her couch at home.

It's just past 6:30.

She reads over the notes from the day before at Dr. Rosalyn's office. She'd meditated for a few minutes, used one of the videos the doctor sent to help guide her through. Peyton is somewhere, in his own apartment, she thinks, probably making sure he has his keys and wallet before heading out the door. She should be doing the same thing, but her stomach and ribs have flipped.

I am surrounded by love and light.

I am safe. I am safe. I am safe.

She goes to the full length mirror that leans against a wall in her bedroom. She'd chosen a tank dress, one bought from a retailer that showed up on Instagram. This was the first time she's wearing it. The perfect casual look, she's already changed three times and is now tired of changing her mind.

What if he thinks he's meeting Maxine? Or Xiomara? What am I going to talk about, Real Housewives and work? What if he's a chauvinist? Or he's only speaking to me because I'm a black woman? Or—

She recognizes this voice. Something she just learned from those videos and Dr. Rosalyn. The fearful, critical voice.

There's another perspective, a kinder point of view.

I am safe. He knows who I am, he isn't expecting someone else. You've spoken to him on the phone, there was plenty to say. The whole point of this is to find out more about him.

Breathe.

Have fun.

Just have fun.

That's it. No pressure.

You can do this.

You've done it before.

You're that girl again. Tamiko With The Spark.

You're completely safe.

6:35.

There's still some time but she should leave in the next five minutes, ten and she'll have to call an Uber. The feeling in her stomach is still there. She looks back at the notes, even though she knows what Rosalyn has instructed her to do.

"I love you," she says to herself in the mirror. Looks around the room, but there's no one else there. She tries again.

"I love you. I love you. I love you."

On her way to the restaurant they've agreed to meet at, Tamiko keeps her headphones on. Repeats the words to herself to the beat of the music. It feels awkward, uncomfortable. But for some reason that awkward feeling triggers more resolve. Somehow she knows it's even more important to keep repeating the words to herself.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

In her mind as the subway travels the three stops to Union Station, then as she gets out of the subway and walks to Big Brother. Before reaching to open the door she puts the headphones away. A smile comes over her. Suddenly giddy but excited.

It's just a first date.

You might not even like him.

"Tamiko?"

Her breath catches in her throat. Peyton sits on the far end of a patio at the spot they agreed to meet at, raises his hand.

"Oh, hello!" Tamiko waves back. She walks into the restaurant, tells the hostess she's here to meet someone while quickly checking the time.

7 o'clock. On the dot.

He is early... A good sign.

When she arrives at the table he gets up to give her a hug and gets poked in the stomach by Tamiko's outstretched hand.

"Whoops..." She says, quickly returning his hug.

Peyton smiles.

"Now you know I'm ticklish." He says as he goes around her to pull out a chair for her.

## SHOW AND HIDE

Tam: Short lunch today.

Tam: I have a call at 12:30. Wanna go to Wanda's?

Xio: Yes!

Max: *thumbs up emoji*

They work without a break until 11:45, then head out.

"Well, Xiomara, since you made your confession, I have a little one of my own." Maxine says once they step into an empty elevator on the way down.

"Have you been stalking Angel?" Tamiko asks, giving Xiomara a sideways glance.

"Okay, I deserve that," Xiomara says under her breath.

"Nope..." Maxine says. "Duke and I fucked."

The elevator doors open to a bright lobby, a few people stand waiting to get in.

"Which Duke?!" Tamiko's voice echoes through the space. Maxine waits until they get outside, looks behind them to make sure there's no one walking by who might overhear what she's about to say.

"Duke, Duke. Technii Duke."

Xiomara's mouth hangs open, slack.

"When did this happen?!" She spits out.

"Oh about a month ago..."

"A month ago?!" Tamiko exclaims. "And you're just telling us now?"

"What the fuck, Maxine?"

"Well?! Like you, Xiomara, I didn't need the judgment. And, to be honest, I thought it would just happen once and never again, so I figured... who cares."

"So it's happened again?"

"No, no. I'm not sure if it ever will, but I think it's more important for me to tell you about it than anything." She gestures to Xiomara. "Point is, get over that 'don't shit where you eat' trash. In this city, small as it is, you work with everyone. Besides, I think we may be able to pitch Technii again... I don't think he's happy with that agency they're with."

"Okay...?" Tamiko laughs. "I'm sure this isn't the first time something like this has happened, but still." She puts her hand to her chest, mocking shock.

"Seriously, it's not a big deal. Karl met her first husband at work." Maxine says as they open the door to Wanda's.

Xiomara gasps. "You know, I heard something about that but didn't want to ask."

"It's true. She pitched him."

"Max!"

"What?! She did! Just turned out he was interested in more than going viral."

They get up to the counter and put in their orders.

"Well!" Tamiko says, raising her eyebrows. "I had my own stuff to tell you guys, but I think we've had a very active news day."

"No! What? Tell us, please?" Maxine begs.

"Seriously," Xiomara agrees. "I need a break from my drama."

"Well... Remember belly button man? From that 819 afterparty we went to?"

"Yes? I remember belly button!" Maxine yells.

"Well... we went out on a date last night."

"Congratu... lations?" Maxine shrugs.

"Okay, I don't know if a 'congratulations' is necessary, but yea... It's been a year, at least... Probably closer to two years. I didn't want to build it up to something bigger than what it was... I'm good enough doing that on my own."

"Well it's great that you got out of that rut, Tam." Xiomara says. "I was starting to get worried... Not—"

"Ex-ee-oh-mara?" A person behind the counter reads a piece of paper in front of him.

"That's me." Xiomara walks up to take her food. "It's ZEE-oh-mara." She says to the man with a smile.

"Every time I come here..." She mutters to her friends while getting utensils. "Anyway, yea, I was starting to get worried that you were becoming bitter... Seriously thought you hated men for a while there."

"Oh my God, yes." Maxine says. "Girl, the rants you would go on."

"And you just had this energy about you, like... Oh, remember that guy on the streetcar? Back before Revel?"

"Yea, he kind of kicked all this off." Tamiko says.

"Well, I'm glad." Xiomara says.

"Yea," Maxine picks up her food. "Now your life can be messy like ours is."

"Ok, come let's walk down the alleyway," Xiomara guides her friends through a parking lot on Spadina instead of down the street to King to get back to the office. "I have some news too but I don't want to talk about it with a crowd around."

They stop beside a garage built under the side of a building. "I'm meeting with DeMarkus, from YAPR... Potentially about a job. Tomorrow." Tamiko's bottom lip comes out in a frown. Maxine's shoulders slump. "I don't want to move on from Tarot but... I might just have to." She continues. "There's nothing else for me there and, well you know how Karl is..."

"Have you talked to her?"

"About moving on?!"

"No!"

"Oh, well, I told her I'm ready for something else, the next step or whatever, but..." Xiomara shrugs. "She said there is no where else for me to go."

"Huh..." Maxine says. "Well I don't want to see you go, but you gotta do..."

"She also said... she's working on something, and asked if I could be patient. "

"I wonder what that's about." Tamiko says quietly.

"Said it could give me the next step... And asked for some time."

"Really... What else?" Maxine asks.

Xiomara looks behind them and around. "She said it was something that could potentially give everyone at the company an opportunity."

###

Xiomara arrives ten minutes early for her appointment with DeMarkus Grey at O & B Canteen. As soon as she gets there she surveys the room for familiar faces. The hostess leads her to a seat at a table just inside the patio.

"Uh... Would it be possible to sit here?" Xiomara goes for another table as far away from the windows as possible, but really it won't make a difference. The main dining area is surrounded by windows on the south and east sides of the restaurant.

"Sure!" The waiter says cheerily, taking the menu off of the table and waiting until she's comfortable in her chosen seat before handing it to her. She listens while he rambles off specials.

"I'm waiting for someone else... I'm good with water for now."

He bows a little and walks away. Xiomara looks around her spot again, checks the other people in the restaurant space.

It's probably too difficult for anyone to see inside anyway, she thinks. Too bright outside, and the sun's glare... We'll be fine.

Still, her heart beats a little louder when DeMarkus arrives for their meeting right on time. He stretches out his hand, long fingers, meaty palm. Xiomara grips it firmly and they sit.

Coffees and pastries arrive at the table and the official not-an-interview-but-a-chat starts.

They cover where Xiomara worked before Tarot PR. An internship at another agency, bigger, a YAPR competitor.

Xiomara's plans for the future. Getting to a VP or an SVP role, eventually doing pro-bono work for clients in the social health and mental wellness sector.

Then what she knows about the role. It's the next step in her career, on YAPR's corporate-consumer team. And she knows that YAPR usually finds someone inside the company to fill the position.

She asks DeMarkus why they're going outside of the company this time. He tells her they need a new perspective, and that they're in a unique position because no one at YAPR was qualified or wanted the role.

Then DeMarkus throws the interview back to her: "So why do you want to leave Tarot?"

Xiomara looks to the right, just over DeMarkus' shoulder. Not to avoid his eyes or try to think of an answer, but somewhere in her subconscious she knows she is being watched.

There, inside the TIFF Bell Lightbox theatre lobby. Malcolm watches her, across from DeMarkus.

"I... Uh..."

Her attention snaps back.

"I'm looking for the next step in my career and... let's just say it's not at Tarot PR. There's nowhere else for me to go where I am now. And this is something I've talked to Karl about a few times. I'm ready for the next step."

"Hm," DeMarkus' eyebrows go up, impressed. "That's probably one of the best answers to that question I've ever heard."

Xiomara shrugs. "It's the truth."

He starts to say something else, about what the next step would be and what YAPR's interview process is like. Xiomara glances over his shoulder again. Malcolm's back is turned, he talks to a woman beside him, there's some small group mingling, people with wine glasses in hand and dressed casually.

"So let me go back to the YAPR team and have a talk with them... Do you think you would you be interested in moving forward?"

Might as well have the option, Xiomara thinks as she feels a loyalty to Karl and Tarot PR.

"Yes, I think I would."

"Great," DeMarkus looks around for the waiter. "Don't worry about the bill, I got it. It was great meeting you, Xiomara. If I can be honest, we did have some other candidates in mind, but you've got my vote."

The bill comes to the table and DeMarkus pays. They get up, shake hands and Xiomara watches him leave the restaurant.

###

She takes her seat at the table again slowly. Malcolm is still in the lobby of the theatre, stands some place where they can look at each other, but she refuses to meet his eyes. Instead she goes to her phone, asks the waiter for a mint tea in hopes it will calm her heart down. A few minutes pass and the tea comes to the table.

"Hey..."

It happens again. He is near her and everything else disappears and goes silent.

"This is the second time we're bumping into each other." She says to the table, then looks up. "What do you think it is?"

"I don't know," he sits down in the seat DeMarkus just left. "Maybe it's the universe."

She locks her phone, puts it back in her bag.

"So... Are you going to let me take you out?" He asks.

Xiomara's heart leaps. She wants to scream, fall down on something soft and kick her feet up in the air in glee.

She picks up the cup of tea and takes a sip.

"We work together." She says.

"Yea, and how would you explain what is going on between us?"

This nearly makes her choke but she breathes. Records every word and how he says it, to remember for later.

"There's nothing to--"

"Don't do that." He leans forward with his elbows on the edge of the table, gives Xiomara a full view of the muscles in his arms. Her insides now land firmly at her pelvis. His eyes stay intently on her, waiting.

"We work together." She says to him. "Whatever you think lies between us, there's a line."

A slight shadow falls over his eye but he stays leaned forward.

"What if we ignore that?" He says.

"So what if we ignore that?"

He reaches around to pull his phone out of a back pocket, flips it open and presses something. Her phone starts to vibrate in her purse.

"That's my number... Save it. Are you free tomorrow night?"

"I am."

"I'm attracted to you," he says looking straight at her and slapping the phone closed. "Very attracted. I want you. And I'm a professional. I can do both."

###

Tam: I am absolutely swooning right now, he said that?! sploosh, girl. Sploosh.

Max: +1, *screams*

Max: I knew it I knew it I knew it!

Xio: I am hella anxious about this, but that take charge, I-know-what-I-want energy is sooooo hot.

Tam: Fuck him. Not, like, throw him away, I mean take him home.

Xio: Ugh, stop. Both of you. I'm gonna just... Try to be calm about everything. Not interested in Ray II.

Max: Ok, girl! Have fun sitting on his face!

Xio: MAX! Jeez!

## OPTION FOUR: MALCOLM

"Found you again," she hears from behind her in front of Union Social, an American-style bar at the corner of Yonge and St Clair. She turns to see Malcolm behind her. He reaches behind her to open the door and let her inside.

"Maybe you are right... About the universe."

A hostess leads them both to a seat beside the bar. Malcolm pulls out a chair for her to sit, walks around the table to the seat across from her. A mental image shows up, his arm close to her body, reaching down to palm her ass.

The waitress, Jessie, comes to their table to collect drink orders. Xiomara deletes the picture, orders a glass of Smoking Loon Sauvignon Blanc. He gets a Guiness.

Jessie picks up the menu.

"Are you going to get something to eat or will it be drinks tonight?"

Malcolm and Xiomara look at each other, searching the other face for an answer.

"I think..." Xiomara says. "I think we'll stick with the drinks for now."

"Ok, great. I'll just leave this here then." Jessie leaves a drink menu and walks away.

One drink. Finish the drink and then go home. Message the twins, tell them nothing happened.

"Initially... I thought you were on a date with that guy... DeMarkus," he says finally. His voice barely loud enough to hear over the noise of the crowd.

"Oh... You know him?"

Malcolm shrugs. Xiomara thinks she sees his face redden, slightly.

"Industry," he says. "You know how it is."

"And would you have left me alone if it was a date?"

He waits a moment before answering, leans forward on the table with his eyes focused in that way she noticed he did after they left 819 and at O & B. As if he is looking for something hidden in her pupils.

"No. I'm glad I thought that... Lit a fire under my ass."

Her eyes widen, she inhales sharply. Jessie brings their drinks to the table.

"Have you decided if you want to eat yet?" She asks them.

No... No we haven't...

Jessie leaves, saying she'll give them some time.

More silence. They have to talk. He can't just sit there staring at her.

"Lit a fire under your ass... To do what?" She asks.

"Ask you out on a date."

This is different.

"Okay, and now we're here... Out. And, by the way, I'm not into married men. Regarding DeMarkus."

"Ah. So how did you get started at Tarot anyway?"

She gives him the history; school and then an internship at another agency, then Tarot. The first promotion, the second. How she and Karl talked about creating a new role and then she was the first to get that job. A third promotion. Her last.

"You're pretty ambitious," he says, squinting his eyes at her and taking another sip.

Didn't feel like this with Viktor...

"Yea. You are too. So... BLT?"

He tells her about his first career, working in sales. Then wanting to make a change, do something more creative. His dream to change the industry, be a leader in--.

Jessie comes back to the table.

"So... Any decisions?"

"Um, I'm okay to get a second..." Xiomara waves her wine glass. Her stomach doesn't quite growl but the first rumblings start.

We have food at home. She says to it. This is just drinks.

"Yea, me too." He says.

Didn't feel like this with Mike...

"So you were saying, about BLT?"

"Yea..." Something shifts. He sits back in his seat. Looks down at the empty beer bottle. "Let's... Change the subject... I—"

Under the table his legs touch hers.

"Sorry about that—" he says.

"No need to apologize... You okay?"

"Yea, just... Work stuff, you know?"

"Hm," Xiomara nods in understanding as Jessie comes back with the second round.

"Cheers," she lifts her glass. "To no more work talk."

His legs lightly touch hers again, her back eases, shoulders relax. The people around them disappear. They talk about everything and nothing.

Definitely didn't feel like this with Ray.

Favourite foods and music, family history, pets. The sexual tension dissipates, Xiomara thinks.

"Yo, I'm starving. Those nachos on the menu look good, don't they?" He asks, picking up the menu again.

"Oh my God, yes, please." She says. He puts the menu back down without looking at it and raises an arm to get Jessie's attention. Xiomara's heart quickens, she sees his arms and chest again as if for the first time.

"Just in time," Jessie writes down their order. "Kitchen closes in fifteen minutes. More drinks?"

"What? How long have we been here?!" Xiomara looks through her bag for her phone. 11:45. "Okay, so we've been talking for more than three hours."

"You've been talking for more than three hours," he says with a playful grin. Jessie smiles and walks away with the menu and their empty glasses.

"Are you... Are you teasing me?"

He shrugs, picks up a jar of water and fills her glass, then his own.

"Maybe a little."

"Okay, so do you not laugh at work?"

"Why do you ask, because of Lawrence and Dave?"

Xiomara nods with her eyebrows up slightly. Malcolm looks down at the table again.

"I guess," his head goes to the side with a sigh. "I guess... I can be pretty intense. But no work talk, remember?"

"Your mood changes... When you talk about work." She tells him.

Jessie puts a steaming plate of nachos on the table, with two smaller plates beside it. Xiomara puts one in front of Malcolm and takes the second for herself.

Malcolm reaches up to start eating, still keeping his eyes averted.

"You know, I had a pretty strict rule about... This. I am a subscriber to the Tony Soprano rule... Well... was a subscriber..." She mutters the last part.

"Tony Soprano?" Malcolm laughs. "And you make fun of me for a flip phone? Talk about a blast from the past."

"Are you telling me you've never tried to piece together a whole Sopranos episode from clips on YouTube?"

Malcolm laughs again, leans his head back. By now she's not worried about getting burned.

"You don't shit where you eat," she continues as his giggling subsides. "But I appreciate what you said yesterday, about being attracted and being a professional. And how you can be both," Xiomara tells him, taking her own share of nachos from the plate in front of them.

"I like that, I think I can be both too."

"Okay..." He says slowly, chewing and staring. "But, hypothetically, what if the attraction is something more... Or turns into something more?"

"More than attraction? Are you worried about that?"

He clears his throat, takes one hand off the table and rests it on his leg, watches her eat.

"Tell me more about that wine-making class you took."

"Ah, right. No work talk. Good call." She says to him. They pick back up on a light topic, hobbies. Then on to what they'd like to learn and explore. Places they'd like to travel. Xiomara: the Mayan ruins. Malcolm: the Tianzi mountains in China. More time passes.

"I'll be honest," he says finally. "It does bother me. Attraction becoming something more."

"Why?"

Another long pause. Xiomara wipes her hands on the black cloth napkin that was holding a knife and fork set out in front of her. She could eat more but now the butterflies in her chest have started again and she doesn't want to food competing with fluttering wings.

"Well, we can keep this at attraction," she says when he doesn't answer, takes a sip of water. "Like, tonight, for example."

On cue, the restaurant lights brighten. She wants to put her hand on her chest to stop the beating but keeps her elbow on the table, flips her hair over her shoulder instead.

"Or we can keep it professional." She tells him.

"I don't know if that's going to be possible... For me." He says.

The bill is settled. Xiomara calls an Uber. They leave the table, get outside, Malcolm close enough behind Xiomara so that she can feel his breath on her back, nose almost in her hair, she wonders what it would feel like if he were to get hard right now, if his dick would brush against her ass.

Outside of the bar he turns Xiomara around and pulls her close. Waits a split second before putting his lips on hers, parting them a little. Xiomara gets a text, the Uber has arrived.

"What are we doing?" She asks him. "What's going on here?"

"I don't know." He laughs nervously, high pitched. "I haven't stopped thinking about you since that Sunday night. I think about you a lot. Hard."

Xiomara falters, but pulls away a little.

He pulls her back, leans in and places his lips gently on hers again. Her phone starts to ring, the Uber driver looking for her.

"Let's go."

They get in the car, careful to calm the delirious excitement that threatens to take over, at this finally happening after weeks of being around each other but not being able to say what they wanted to say.

Malcolm tries to go in for Xiomara's neck but she stops him, embarrassed at making out in the back of the car. She is more discreet than that.

"Stop it, I'm gonna get a bad rating."

"It's cute that you're worried about your rating right now..." The car turns a corner with a 24-hour convenience store on the corner.

"Wait—" He says. "Excuse me... What's his name?" Malcolm whispers to Xiomara.

"I'm Pete..." The driver says.

"Pete! Thanks, can we stop off at this Rexall place here?"

"Sure..." Pete says, pulling off to the curb and turning on the hazard lights, even though it's half past two in the morning and there are no other cars on the street. Malcolm plants a kiss on Xiomara's cheek before exiting the car, closing the door behind him. A moment of silence passes.

"How's your night going?" Xiomara asks.

"Good... Good. You?"

"Pretty good—" She wants to make a joke about not knowing how she's going to get up for work the next day, but thinks the better of it. Besides that joke would be a lie, there is no work tomorrow.

Malcolm returns a few minutes later with a bag, Xiomara faintly sees the label of what looks like a box of condoms through the white plastic.

Once in Xiomara's apartment she slows down, suddenly sober at his buying condoms and realizing something had been growing between them for weeks, and now he is actually in her space.

Every corner of her apartment seems to be under a microscope; papers, cups and food containers over the coffee table, clothes on the couch, television paused on Netflix.

"My place is a bit of a mess..." She says. When she came home earlier that day she'd thrown her clothes and things around carelessly, completely oblivious to what would happen hours later.

He takes off his shoes, but stands in the entryway. She turns and sees him there, clearly out of place. It is weird that the man who had so boldly asked her out the day before is off balance now.

"Come in... Do you want something to drink?" She hurries to gather the clothes on the couch and turns to see him sit down. He still has his eyes on her, doesn't seem to notice the mess around, red ears and cheeks.

"Uh, yeah, I'll have some water..."

She pours both of them a glass and takes a seat beside him on the couch. He downs the glass. Watches her drink and wipe it away from her lip. Before she can put the glass down on a table his arms are around her.

He feels for the glass in her hand, starts kissing her softly again, takes the glass, puts it down and out of the way. Her hands float down.

"Hey." He pulls away, but still keeps his arms wrapped around her.

"I have to tell you something. It's pretty important."

She puts her hand in his and leads him to the bed. She takes off her jeans, pulls her panties down so he can see her pull her panties down slowly from her pussy.

"Can it wait?"

He pulls his shirt off and runs to her on the bed, groans with relief as her shirt pulls down, exposing her cleavage to be taken in by his mouth. He takes a breast in each hand and bites her nipples through the lace of her bra. He massages slowly, puts his head in between her breasts and rubs them against her face.

She throws him back, unbuttons his pants, unzips his jeans, pulls his pants down past his dick that points straight at her. She pulls his underwear down, admires his throbbing hard dick just with her eyes. His hands still cup around her breasts, massaging her nipples.

He runs to find the bag, rips open the box and fumbles around getting one of the condoms out.

"Okay," he says. "We'll talk tomorrow. Tomorrow morning. Just don't kick me out." His hands shake, but he stops.

"Okay?"

"Okay."

Xiomara takes the package from him and gently pulls it out and gets the condom secured over the tip of his dick. This was what she was waiting for, the thing she'd thought about at least once since meeting him, back when she was still trying to be professional.

She wraps her lips around the tip of the condom, and then opens her lips a little to let in the tip of his dick just past her lips. He moans quietly again, his knees buckle a little, his hands go all over her head and stroke her nipples, to the back of her head, and then back behind his head. She looks up at him for a moment. She pushes her mouth down until it reaches the base of his penis, just to get a first taste. She wants to feel his dick fully in her mouth, wants to feel the tip of his dick hit the back of her throat. She pushes him back so she can get up off the bed, kisses him on the mouth, feels his knees buckle again and his face melt.

Lips.

She goes to the bathroom, puts a glossy lip on and goes back to the bedroom where Malcolm lies on the bed with his dick. The tip sits against thin strands of hair on his lower stomach. She pulls his pants all the way off from his feet. Runs her fingers through the hair around the base of his penis and his balls, kisses the left side, then the right, then back to the left again. Burrows her head at the base of his penis, that spot between just at the bottom closest to his balls, takes her tongue and wraps it around the base of his penis and gets up, takes her bra off, then her pants. Her pussy is so wet right now it hurts, but she just wants his penis deep in her mouth. For now her mouth waters more than her pussy and she can only satisfy one. She wraps her left hand around the base of his dick, holds the condom down and takes him in her mouth, sucking and smacking her lips, letting fresh saliva and lip gloss mix together so that her lips can glide smooth and tight down the shaft of his penis and hit her hand. He grabs at the sheets on her bed and pulls, nearly yanking them off the bed.

"Stop... Xiomara. Stop." She listens, but not quite. Instead of letting her mouth go up and down the shaft of his penis, she takes his whole penis in her mouth until his tip is deep in the back of her throat.

"Uggggghhhh..." He moans deep. She can feel his dick pulsating, can massage each vein with her tongue. Slowly, she closes her mouth around his penis, making sure she can still breathe through her nose. Then, deeper. Swallow the gag reflex. Breathe.

"Xiomara!" The way he says her full name. He pushes at her shoulders. He hasn't come yet. "You make me come and you're not going to be happy."

Xiomara gets off his dick. He pulls her up from her waist, flips her over on the bed and puts his hand down to finger clit. She holds on to his arm, puts her hand over his. He uses his middle finger and circles around one way, than the other. Wraps his arm around her waist and buries his face in her chest.

"You're all... caramel and cream."

He moves his mouth to her right nipple, opens it as far as it could go so her nipple is as deep into his mouth as he can get it. He smacks his lips off her nipple.

"Liquid cinnamon. I want to drink you."

She wants to keep her legs closed, a little self conscious at not having showered for hours. But he can smell her, she has no reason to be self-conscious.

"Mango," he says. "Say it."

"Mango." She responds as he moves down to her pussy. So wet, she's moist down her thighs, down her buttocks and on the bed. He licks it up, going from one inner thigh to the other, then low, down to the wet on one butt cheek, the water that's gone down almost to her anus. His nose goes just inside her vagina. She breathes deep.

He keeps licking the wet around her pussy, endlessly teasing her, endlessly making her more and more wet. He won't be able to lick it all up before he can get to the centre that he wants. So he spreads her pussy lips, can't decide if he wants to lick the water off her lips first or put her clit in his mouth. He gets down on his stomach. Lands a kiss gently on her clit, puts his lips to her lips before opening his mouth and letting her clit fill his mouth in the same way he'd kissed her at the bar, in the car, on her couch.

"Oooh," she moans, her voice goes high and light. A cool breeze on the back of his head. His hands grab at her hips, fills his hands with her soft skin.

"Mmmm," his lips vibrate on her pussy, and tongue shakes inside her. Squeezes her hips so he can rest his chin on her flesh and let his tongue slide back and forth across her clit. His dick is hard, as hard as it was when she had it in his mouth. He gets up, puts his dick inside her pussy and gasps. Tight. Warm. He thrusts once, twice, a third time. Pulls it out and locks his mouth on her pussy again like a starfish on the side of a water tank. She grabs the back of his head, rubs her pussy against his face aggressively, not being able to take it anymore.

She's going to come, she thinks to herself. Can see their bodies grinding together from somewhere above the bed.

She's going to fucking come.

He reaches up and puts his hands on her breasts, holds her down, feeling his nipples with finger tips and palms. Puts his teeth around her clit gently. She bucks up, down, up, down. Pull his head into her vagina until her light body begins to shake and every part of her body turns into a clit. Her body tightens up, he pulls at her nipples, bounces her tits up and down, from side to side until it bursts all over his face. He drinks her up the way he wanted to. He keeps his lips locked on her pussy until she's fighting to get away from him, screaming in pain rather than pleasure.

Now her pussy aches for his dick. He sticks it in, strokes and strokes. She wants him to come in her mouth, but it's not going to happen. This time. His dick in her pussy makes her drunk with pleasure. Her eyes roll to the back of her head. She grabs at his buttocks, spreading his cheeks. Grind into him, move her hips up and down like she did before she came. Then he comes. He lets out a groan from deep, from somewhere in his back. Stops abruptly and bends down to kiss her, hard. They make out over and over again. He relaxes completely. His body is heavy, but this is the feeling she wants, the feeling she's wanted. Their lips pull apart with a smack. He wraps his arms around her and flips his body to her back so that he spoons her from the back, his dick softening inside her pussy but he doesn't pull out. She wants to stay awake to feel this feeling as long as possible but within five minutes they're both snoring.

###

Xiomara's arm lands on her sheets and pillow. She rolls over to where it landed, smiles at a memory from the night before, puts her arm out again to reach for him.

Touches air.

Her eyes open.

Gone.

Alone.

She fumbles out of bed, landing on the floor with a thump on her knee.

"Fuck!" She grabs at it, cradles it for a moment and gets up on the other arm. Once up she's out of the room, slams her bedroom door open.

He is completely gone. The only thing that proves he was there is messy sheets, her having slept completely naked, hair _not_ collected inside a bonnet.

In the living room an empty glass sits on her side table, another one on the floor.

Two. Evidence of two people.

Tomorrow, he'd said.

Don't kick me out.

Where is it!

That fucking asshole!

Her bag lays on the ground by the front door. She snatches it up, grabs at the phone, on low battery.

She scowls at the screen. No calls or messages, only ones from Tamiko and Maxine in the group chat.

The scowl deepens.

Her eyes turn to lazers, focused on finding the contact information she saved for him yesterday, selects 'Send Text Message'.

Stop.

This is familiar. This same moment. The same feeling.

Remembers calling another him, over and over again, until the number she was calling didn't ring anymore and she heard voicemail prompts.

The eight texts she sent before he responded to her with one line.

Then her mother. Julianne might not want to talk about it, but for most of her life she carried that memory around. Being in the lobby of that apartment building at Jane and Wilson. A strange place, strange people around. Remembers how the light glinted off the keys her mother punched, fake nail snapping off nail bed, flecks of glue and hardened gel flying. The people she saw come in the lobby and look of fear on their faces, directed at the woman with a little girl, seeing them step away quickly.

That same rage.

She could feel it now and wonders why her mother didn't try to get in the building behind one of those strangers, tell them what Mateo had done, and yell and scream in the building until he came downstairs. But after a few minutes, Julianne was finished. And Xiomara still had that memory.

She puts the phone down. This time she can do something different.

Take a deep breath. Turn away.

## THINGS CHANGE

Tarot's summer party is a fancy, happy affair. Always on a Friday, always open bar, always a day off work for Tarot PR employees, Karl is always the first to leave. The only rule is: don't do anything to get yourself or anyone else hurt or arrested.

Xiomara leaves the phone where it is and walks to her second-bedroom closet. She can hear it buzz from inside the room, can read the messages in the group chat even though she's not looking at the device.

Tam: Girl, WHAT HAPPENED!

Max: YES, CAN YOU FILL US IN AT UR PLACE if ur not gonna give us the rundown can't take this silence, tx

She feels like staying in bed, wearing a blanket around her body all night instead of a dress. But the sheets still smell like him and she's not ready to get close enough to the bed to change them. Instead she decides on a cobalt-blue, sleeveless blazer mini-dress that will pop against her skin. The phone buzzes again. She knows it's Maxine. Again.

Max: Hello?! HELLO!

But what shoes to wear? With cobalt blue? A pattern? Nude? Black?

Thigh-high boots could work but it's almost a hundred degrees outside—

The phone starts to ring. Too loud for her to ignore.

"Xio?! It's Max and Tam." Maxine's panicked voice comes over the speaker. "Are you okay? What's going on?"

"I'm fine. If y'all wanna come over now, you can..."

"What's wrong?" Tamiko asks. "You sound... Did he suck the life out of you?"

"We fucked. And then he left in the middle of the night." Her voice comes out calm, almost sing-song.

"I'm on the way," Tamiko says. "Max, you wanna meet there?"

"Yes."

"See you soon." Xiomara disconnects the call and plugs the phone in again.

Nothing from him. Still.

She goes back to the closet to finish deciding on the outfit.

Now... Do I want to dance or just get drunk at the bar...

The shoe decision gets more complicated when adding jewelry to the equation. Her phone rings again, the front door. Tamiko and Maxine walk in with garment bags over their shoulders.

"Hey twins, can y'all help me with this?"

"Xiomara, what happened with Malcolm?"

"I'll tell you, but first..." She leads them to the room and points to the dress.

"UGH," Maxine groans. She goes through the closet, pulls out a pair of neon yellow, very high heels with cross straps and a bow, digs through jewelry to find thin hoop earrings. Looks at the outfit one more time and gets a snake-skin purse.

"Okay, wow."

"What happened with Malcolm?!"

Xiomara points at the heels. "I'm thinking I might want to dance tonight?"

"Bitch!"

"He left, okay?! We fucked and then some time in the middle of the night, he left. No text, no post-it note, no call. Nothing. He just disappeared. I'm not sure it even happened."

"Come on," Tamiko says. They follow her back out to the living room.

"See this?" Xiomara bends down to pick up the two glasses. "This is the only proof I have that he was here." She goes to the kitchen and throws the glasses into the sink.

"We went to some restaurant at Yonge and St. Clair, talked the whole night, basically closed the place down. I told him I had a rule about dating people from work. He said he hasn't stopped thinking about me since the Sunday we met, then we go back to my place... And..." She throws her hands up in the air.

"And you know what? This morning I get up and everything is red as soon as my eyes open and I realize he left without a word or anything. And I had a moment... A moment where I was like, call him, text him, find out what happened and then I realized all of that felt very, very familiar? And all day... The more I think about it the more I realize... There was something there, some kind of connection. Whatever it was it makes what Ray and I had look like two people passing each other on the street."

"Oh... Xio!"

"No, Tam. It's... It's fine. Not really, but it is. Because if anything is going to happen between us, no texting or calling or looking him up online is going to change any of that. It won't make a damned difference."

Maxine nods, closes her eyes and inhales deeply.

"If it's going to happen it's... Just going to happen..." Xiomara starts to pace the room. The bottom of her robe flowing out behind her as she turns.

"So I'm going to just... Chill. I'm gonna chill..."

They watch her go back.

"I'm gonna chill. I'm gonna chill. I'm gonna chill. I'm gonna chill. I'm gonna chill."

"Uh... Are you sure?"

Xiomara stops, looks over at Tamiko.

"Yes..." She says after a moment. "Yes, I see that. I'm not chilling right now, I'm doing the opposite of chilling."

She walks over to the chaise part of the couch and plops down.

"It's not going to be easy, but yes. Fuck the obsessive shit, right?"

Her friends nod.

"And if I fucked him and he doesn't call or write or anything... Fuck 'im."

"Good girl." Tamiko says.

"Yes. Yes I am a good girl. Now let's see what ya'll are wearing to this thing."

Garment bags are carried back to Xiomara's closet. They try Xiomara's purses, switch out the options. Do the same with jewelry and hair. Tamiko digs through Xiomara's shoes to find other pairs, with Maxine saying yes or no to the options. The time flies almost as quickly for Xiomara as it did the night before with Malcolm. Every time she catches herself listening for the phone to do something, she pulls herself back to the room or does something else.

Turn music on.

Get a snack.

Smoke.

"Uh..." Tamiko's looking at her phone, her brows knitted with confusion. "Okay, I'm getting a text from Sugar that there are all these new faces at the summer party?"

"What?" Maxine turns in her chair at Xiomara's dressing table, one eye lined.

"She said Karl is asking where we are and that there are a bunch of people at the party she doesn't know... Someone named Selma and someone else named Lawrence?"

Xiomara shrugs, pulls the zipper on the dress up in front of a full-length mirror.

"Is she sure they're not the ones serving food?"

"Alright, are you guys ready to leave? I'm gonna tell her we're on the way."

###

"Anything else from Sugar?" Xiomara asks Tamiko once they're in the Uber.

"Nope. She's just asking that we hurry up... Looks like there's going to be some sort of announcement. And they're waiting for us."

Xiomara sighs heavily and looks out the window of her seat in the back of the van. "Well I guess no relaxing, calm, stress-free evening for me."

They get to Ten and walk through the bar to the stairs leading up to the patio. A few eyes follow the well-dressed trio as they ascend the spiral staircase.

"Good thing I wore shorts under this," Xiomara mutters to her friends.

"Yes, thank God," Tamiko says following close behind her.

They walk through an archway made of black balloons at the entrance of the rooftop patio.

"Holy shit," Maxine whispers.

Xiomara is second to get to the landing. In her eyesight there's more black balloons, tables with thick candles, thanks to Orchid, and black tablecloths have food set up on top, a large bar across the room.

"Wow," Xiomara says, looking at the decor.

Maxine wasn't reacting to that.

"This looks like a happy funeral," Tamiko says at first, also not seeing what Maxine is reacting to.

In front of them, just left of the bar.

Malcolm.

"What the fuck is he doing here."

But Karl's already made her way to the group before anyone has a chance to answer.

"Ladies! You all look gorgeous! Certainly know how to make an entrance!"

"Uhh..." Maxine clears her throat, looks back at Xiomara.

Her eyes stare at Malcolm. Lips twitch. He stares back.

"Thanks, Karl."

"Do you all mind following me to the front?"

There's no 'front' to follow her to, but an area across from the entrance by a bar.

"Hello, everyone! Can I have your attention please?" Karl calls to everyone.

The crowd gathers around the four as they walk to the corner of the patio, give them some space. Karl waits for the conversation to quiet down.

"Well, Tarot PR folks, I'm sure you're wondering what all these... strangers... are doing at our little season wrap party." A nervous titter starts but Karl continues. "There is an announcement to make. But before that, I wanted to recognize Tarot PR's very talented, very bold and very enterprising Senior Account Managers—"

"They bought us," Tamiko turns to mumble to Maxine and Xiomara.

"What?" Maxine whispers back, unable to hear over Karl's voice.

"Maxine Taylor, Xiomara Young and Tamiko Spencer..." Karl continues and the crowd starts to applaud. Tamiko turns her head away from Karl and the clapping.

"This is a merger. Tarot and BLT. That's why they're here."

They can only stare and keep their faces as still as possible. Xiomara can barely register what's going on. She keeps her eyes on the stairs the trio had just climbed.

"For the last three years, these young women have worked as a team and all but carried Tarot PR from an unknown agency to one that has received the respect and recognition from the industry — and not just locally, I hear about them from people all over the country—"

More applause.

"How do you know?" Maxine asks at normal volume.

"Well what else could it be?!" Tamiko answers, the sound of clapping drowning out their voices.

Karl continues. "So I personally wanted to bring them on stage here to say to each of them: thank you. Thank you for your hard work, your dedication to making Tarot PR, my company, a success. Thank you for your late nights and the ungodly early hours you've worked. Your passion to bringing new, innovative ideas to clients, many times on short notice, and never — not once — complaining..." Karl lowers her voice, "At least not to me." The crowd chuckles.

Xiomara, Tamiko and Maxine remain stone-faced.

"And so, with that, I wanted to personally present you..." She moves towards a table covered with a black tablecloth and with three envelopes that sit on a velvet box. Each envelope has their names hand-printed in perfect calligraphy.

"With these, a small token of my appreciation," Karl says. She puts the microphone aside, takes the first box and envelope and hands it to Tamiko with a hug. The second gift comes to Xiomara.

"Thank you so much, Xiomara," Karl says as they hug.

"What is going on?" Xiomara asks in her ear but she moves on to get the last gift off of the table.

Items in hand, the three women stand shifting their feet in front of everyone.

"Well?" Karl says.

Maxine opens the box to take a peek.

"Oh my God..." She turns so Tamiko and Xiomara can see an immaculate diamond necklace, nestled in more velvet. Then turns so the crowd can see what's in the box. More applause, this time cheers.

"These are real," Maxine says to them. "Oh my God, thank you, Karl!" She moves in to give her another hug, a more ecstatic one this time. Tamiko and Xiomara follow with hugs of their own, though with less enthusiasm. This time Xiomara knows not to ask any questions.

"You're welcome, ladies," Karl says. "But keep in mind this gift is for your hard work and dedication to Tarot. Enjoy it. You deserve it."

Maxine is practically in tears as she puts the card and box down on a nearby table so she can try on the necklace. Xiomara wishes she would be more reserved. Malcolm stands at the front of the crowd on the opposite side, his eyes not leaving her.

Yea, I know I look good. You ass.

"So now, we do have an announcement..." She turns to a woman with sharp features wearing a light grey jumper and bone-straight, shoulder length black hair.

"For those of you who don't know, this is Selma Blair, Founder and CEO of BLT."

Selma walks up to stand beside Karl in front of the group, she smiles, nods to everyone.

"It s with... some mixed feelings, but mostly excitement... that I announce... That Tarot PR and BLT will be merging to form a new company, BLTarot."

Inside Xiomara's ears that high-pitched sound starts. Tamiko turns around, her face wild, saying something short that she can't hear.

A mumble of low whispers starts somewhere near the back of the crowd and makes its way to Karl and Selma.

Selma starts to speak, her voice reverberates around the patio and partially bringing Xiomara's hearing back to focus.

"Yes, I can understand how this is probably coming as a surprise to many of you here," she says. She pauses until the hush goes down.

"A couple weeks ago, our head of innovation Malcolm Graves came back from a meeting at your office with the idea of partnering—"

The half of the summer party attendees who know who Malcolm is look over at him, but his eyes stay fixed on Xiomara. A few people turn to follow his gaze but she cannot hear or see anything past the blood vessels pulsating behind her eyes.

I... I have to go.

Have to get out of here.

I can stride to the exit.

Quick.

Karl will see me, she'll call me out in front of everyone.

People are looking... Her eyes scan to the right of the one pair of eyes she avoids.

I can't leave...

"This is crazy!" Tamiko hisses back at her and Maxine as the buzz of the group swells. The 'cr' sound from her throat pulls Xiomara's attention back.

"People— people," Karl interrupts Selma and shoots a look to Tamiko. A few seconds pass as the buzz from the crowd rises and falls again.

"Thank you, Karl." Selma continues. "Yes, I can imagine you have a lot of questions and things to say, we'll get to all of it in a few minutes. I do want to thank Malcolm, who has independently taken on the role of leading innovation at BLT over the past couple years for presenting the idea to us. When I first met with Karl about it, we both realized it was a no-brainer..."

This is why you don't shit where you fucking eat! Xiomara scream-thinks. She looks back at the exit again. Calculates, waits for the moment.

Keep moving, even if Karl calls me out.

She won't.

Or she will.

Keep walking.

"So I guess your first question is why this is happening... Well to put it simply, as many of you at BLT know, we've... kind of reached as far as we can go on our own to move the work we do to create experience and promotional products forward..."

Fuck!!!

"... But if we want to get to the next step, we'll need an agency like Tarot PR," Selma gestures towards Karl. "To better get our message out there, retain our current clients and attract new business, and better provide all our clients with a... a more complete service. So with that, I think I'll turn it over to Karl to discuss what the next steps will be, then we'll take a few questions?"

Karl nods to agree. Selma steps aside to give her room to take centre stage again.

Now... She won't dare call me out. She won't... She won't. Should I tell them?

She eyes the backs of Maxine's and Tamiko's heads.

"Thank you, Selma, now this is a party, so while there is important business to take care of—"

Don't say a word.

Move.

Now.

Xiomara quietly steps around Maxine to make her way to the exit. She hears Karl speaking to the back of her head:

"I do... Want to give us all time to... Enjoy the next few hours, so..."

She knows what the pauses are, can feel multiple eyes on her back as she steps her feet as quietly as possible behind the crowd of people and down the open circular stairway again.

She squeezes through the crowd on the first floor of the bar until out in the bright light and fresh air outside. Her feet slide in the heels but she walks with resolve. Just in case Karl has pointed to someone to send them running after her, or in case anyone else decided to follow her out of the party she makes a quick turn down one side street, then another.

Safely away, she unlocks her phone, goes to her email and finds the last message from Lindsay. No one in the industry would have heard this news about BLT and Tarot yet. Hopefully.

**Subject** : RE:...

Hey Lindsay,

Had a great chat with DeMarkus the other day. Wrote him a thank you note, but just wanted to let you know I'm interested in the next step.

Xio

-

Xiomara's phone buzzes twice before she has a chance to put it back in her bag. Messages from both Maxine and Tamiko in the group chat:

Max: We're coming over.

Tam: An hour.

Xiomara looks up. Quickly scans the street for familiar faces from work. Or from BLT. Then goes back to the phone.

Another email message. A formal one. Cold.

To Karl.

In the body she starts to write 'Sorry for the short notice', but deletes it.

**Subject** : Vacation Request

Hi Karl, Writing to request a week off, starting Monday. Please let me know.

-

###

Maxine and Tamiko sit at Xiomara's kitchen table still in their party-wear while Xiomara has showered and changed. Old episodes of Fresh Prince play on Netflix in the background.

The joint goes from Xiomara to Maxine.

"Do you see? Do y'all see why you don't shit where you eat?" Xiomara tells them.

"Holy carp." Tamiko starts coughing and raises her hand. Xiomara gets up to fill a glass with some water.

"You mean crap, right?" Xiomara asks her. You want some?"

Maxine shakes her head to say no. "Should we say something?" She asks Tamiko.

Xiomara turns to go back to the kitchen sink but stops. "Tell me what?"

"Sooo... Before we left... Malcolm stopped us... to talk?"

Xiomara turns around to face her friends and puts her hand on her hip.

"First he was all, oh I guess you guys hate me. Tamiko's like, honestly, we don't know who you are... So he started trying to explain stuff to us, like he wanted us to give you a message, but... we didn't want to hear it—"

"What?!"

"I kinda went off." Tamiko's shoulders go up in a shrug. "He's a grown ass, you're a grown and if he wants to talk to you, he knows what to do, so... He mumbled some apology and we left."

"You guys didn't even listen to what he wanted to say?"

Maxine and Tamiko shoot each other a look.

"No, we didn't," Tamiko says finally.

Xiomara goes to the sink, fills the glass in her hand with water and sits back down, placing it in front of Tamiko even though the coughing has stopped. Xiomara takes a drag and folds her arms in front of her.

"Okay, you're gonna have an attitude?" Maxine says. "He was right there, at the party! Wanted to talk to you, we could all see it. You left. Could've heard what he had to say yourself, right there, but you clearly didn't want to talk to him, sooo..."

"Tamiko just said it: he's grown. He doesn't have to send a message through us to you. This isn't fucking high school... I think... This is a conversation y'all should have, and leave us out of it."

"Yea," Xiomara rolls her eyes hard and uncrosses her arms, leans forward on the table. "Yea, you're right. Sorry... It's just... The nerve..."

Her phone buzzes and she looks at it briefly, an email from Karl. The preview of the message shows it's a response to her vacation request.

Absolutely. Can we talk? You left abruptly and there's something that has come to my attention that needs to be... The preview of the email starts. Xiomara locks it, flips the device face-down on the table. Karl will have to wait.

"To think, the whole time I was talking to him and he had... All this going on in his head."

"Sorry to bring this up again, but nothing came up last night?! Absolutely nothing?!" Maxine asks.

"Now that I think about it... He did ask me how I started at Tarot. Then we got into a whole... Discussion about what we do..."

"Do you think...?" Maxine asks. She's not sure how to finish the question.

"Was he trying to get information from me? I don't know... Didn't seem like it..."

"And the decision would have been made already anyway..." Tamiko says.

"True. Then I noticed..." She leans forward on the table. "He didn't want to talk about work, like he did at first but then... Something changed, like he wouldn't look at me. And I figured, fine, we won't talk about work."

"Hm!" Tamiko pushes the sound out the back of her nose.

"I told him about my rule... Said I liked what he said about being attracted and being a professional... And he asked me... he asked me what if the attraction turns into something more."

"Oh, wow." Maxine sits up. "We didn't get this break down before."

"Yea, we didn't know this was gonna... I asked if it would bother him... If the attraction was something more and he never answered... So we come here. And then... Like, before things got started but not really before, he said he had something to say to me, that it was pretty important. But by that point I was not in the mood to talk."

"Then I don't understand. Why leave?" Tamiko asks.

"You know what's fucked up? He's the one who asked me not to kick him out the next morning? It's like he knew about my waking up alone thing. He said we would talk about whatever in the morning and then still."

"Jesus." Tamiko says.

"Exactly..." Xiomara pauses, carefully weighing her words, aware of how they will sound. "Even if he had said something to me or at least communicated, I probably would still feel the same way... We probably wouldn't have fucked. It's the lies I can't stand."

"The running around, making decisions behind your back that affect you, but you have—" Tamiko says as the other two nod in agreement.

Xiomara continues. "No say in the matter. Like, at all—"

"Decided by Selma, of all people. Strangers."

"And what was this all about?" Maxine asks, pulling out the velvet box. "I mean, of course I'm going to keep it, but..."

"It's like a damned dowry."

"A dowry?" Maxine asks, completely confused.

"Yes. I mean, we, at this table, we are Tarot PR. Karl yes, but we do the work. We handle the clients. We do the pitches. We're the brain."

"And some of the brain left at the alter."

Tamiko turns to Xiomara. "Taking the honeymoon..."

Maxine looks back and forth between them. "What? Who is going on a honeymoon?"

"She means me?" Xiomara says. "'Cause I'm going on vacation?"

"You're going on vacation?"

"Yes! I just said that, like ten minutes ago!"

"You did?"

"Ok—" Xiomara takes the joint from Maxine's hand. "You're cut off."

"Not gonna lie," Tamiko says. "I am a little jealous you've already got a way out, but you go get that job at YAPR and figure your stuff out. Fuck this shit."

She puts out her hand to Xiomara to slap hands. Xiomara nods graciously.

"Thanks, friend."

All phones on the table vibrate and ring at the same time. They reach for the devices, take a moment to preview. Xiomara is the first to put hers back down when she sees it's a notification about the 'new' BLTarot.

"Oh, so they're laying down the law already..." Maxine mutters, her eyes reading the preview.

"From Selma and Karl. That was fast." Tamiko says, her voice heavy with sarcasm.

"I can't take all of this." She gets up and walks towards the sink. "It's not good for my blood pressure."

"Right?!" Maxine says.

"Really puts these last months into perspective, I'll tell you that." Xiomara says.

Tamiko turns the sink on to pour another glass of water. "Yep. Those career conversations..."

"That panel..." Xiomara says.

"That... Team coming to the office..." Maxine adds.

Xiomara pushes a 'humph' out of her nose. "Isn't it funny? How that all led to this? What would we have done if we knew?"

###

After her friends leave, it takes some time, just a few minutes, and Xiomara isn't thinking about where things with BLT and Tarot PR started. She starts on YouTube. Clicks one video, then another, then another.

None of it matters.

Nothing she sees on the screen is enough.

Malcolm and Ray and all the other men.

Her feelings would grow and then rejection, playing with her emotions, or just disappearing.

Malcolm's social media is nearby, just a couple apps away from YouTube. His social media feeds would tell her— could tell her something.

No.

Not doing that. Not.

That does not feel right. Just like it didn't feel right to call or message him after she'd taken his dick into her mouth.

Now twenty-four hours after their night together, she was back in bed, fresh sheets, alone, staring at the phone. Willing him to call her, text her, send a DM, message her on Whatsapp. Something. Anything. He'd tried to talk to Maxine and Tamiko at the summer party, for fucks sake.

Why not just call?!

Instead she opens up a blank email message. From her professional account.

The fact that you would up and leave this morning was totally disgusting. We have to work together, you didn't think...

She selects all and hits 'delete'. Then starts again:

seriously? you just leave, no goodbye? couldn't even wake me up...

Deletes again. Then tries a third time:

The least you could have done was wake me up so I could look you in the eye before you left. Fuck you. Fuck you to infinity.

She deletes the last sentence. Clicks on the 'To' field and starts typing his name, but Gmail isn't able to find his address and she doesn't want to be bothered to look. Doesn't want to see any of the messages he sent her before today, before what happened.

He left her apartment. He was the one who pursued her, she wasn't going to chase after him. She was tired of chasing. She throws her phone down again, another scream wrestles itself in her throat. The phone is disturbingly, frustratingly quiet.

Back on YouTube, on a tablet this time. She types 'ghosted' in the search bar and scrolls through the videos, clicks on one that asks 'He Ghosted You? Do This Next' in the title.

The video bar shows she has watched it before, but today she pays special attention to the message.

"Stop trying to get answers," the guy in the video says. "Learn to ignore what you can't control. Focus on the parts you can control."

Sir, I'm not buying your shit, she says to the screen. But why can't they be more like you?

She wants the answers, doesn't want to be a better woman, not right now. Screw focusing on herself, on the parts she can control. He fucked up. Period. He should be the one giving her answers, being a better man. He should be doing the right thing.

But she isn't going to get what she wants.

This feels familiar too, night time. It's almost easier to look at his social media or find him online. She is hidden at night, in the dark and protected from being watched. Without her friends around.

It's easier to think.

It's easier to remember.

A story that was as old as she was. Started back when she was still a little girl, watching her mother and cousins at her birthday party. Missing her father without saying she missed him. She'd said it once to Julianne and never wanted to see that look on her mother's face again.

They didn't want her. The men who she wanted or who were supposed to love her and be steady and be there for her when she needed them to be. She would forever be at the party, watching those men with other women. Giving love to everyone else except her. The YouTube guy didn't have any advice for that. It must have meant something.

No.

No more thinking.

I refuse to believe any of this...

But what's the truth?

It is one in the morning.

She gets up to take dirty dishes to the sink, choosing to do some cleaning instead of laying in bed and thinking. Out of the corner of her eye, a green, round object on the floor under the table beside the front door.

She drops the dishes in the sink, gathers discarded plastic and napkins sitting around the apartment and throws the garbage in a large bag, slips on a pair of flip flops and takes the helmet outside with bag. Marches to the garbage shoot, opens the closet door, then the hatch door and throws the helmet and the bag inside.

The helmet bounces along the metal edge of the shoot, rattles and tumbles down the shaft, eight floors long, until it stops and is quiet again.

###

Xiomara gets off at Bay and King. More than a few blocks away from where she needs to be, but she'd calculated time for the detour. She walks north on Bay and enters the PATH from the BMO building. She'll have to make a few underground turns, but it's near guaranteed that she can avoid bumping into Karl, or being seen by anyone who knows who she is and would send word back to her boss if they see here.

Still, her eyes scan the faces of the people she passes on the way, looks for Karl's near-white blond hair, her signature clear frames. Yes, she would find out eventually, but on Xiomara's terms.

It had been five years since she'd interviewed for a new job, back when she was new to the industry, before Tamiko. Before Maxine. Before Karl. On her way to the YAPR office, on an eleven a.m. subway car, occupied by other people dressed for their own interviews, tourists in the same t-shirts, people starting afternoon shifts, kids on break at school and retired folks keeping busy, she remembers what it was like in those early days.

It isn't likely she will find another group of friends and general lack of boundaries at YAPR and she doesn't want to. If she gets this job, it will be a next step until it's time to make another move. Still, the facts sink in slowly; that she'll be leaving much more than that desk in front of Karl's office at Tarot PR, and across from Tamiko's spot.

She starts to see it right when walking into YAPR, with it's massive double doors and front reception area that seems to be half the size of Tarot PR's whole office. A global agency, one where it probably wouldn't be appropriate to talk with coworkers while they sit on the toilet, or sleep over at her boss' house.

On the other hand. There's room to move here, it seems even the lobby sends that message: Start at the account director level. Six months, maybe a year. Two at the most. If they don't promote you, go to another team. Or somewhere else. By that time, you'll have the resume to do whatever you want.

"Hi, I'm here to meet with Jolene and Patricia." Xiomara says to a young man at the front desk wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt with a crooked bow tie printed near the neck.

"Ah yes... Xiomara Young?" He says to her. "Take a seat, I'll let them know you're here."

There is no one in the seating area in reception, but she doesn't let that distract her. Better to stay vigilant. Anyone coming in to the office or walking past the glass doors could send word back to the wrong person.

"Xiomara?"

Her back snaps rod straight at her name, but relaxes slightly at turning to see Lindsay peeking from around a wall.

"Lindsay! So good to see you!"

"So good to see you too!" She puts her arms out for a hug that Xiomara returns. "I'm not going to be in the room with you," Lindsay says. She turns back around, gestures to Xiomara to follow. "Just wanted to say hi."

"Awww," Xiomara says, following her down a bright hallway, lit by natural light. Their footsteps echo on the medium-grey concrete floor. The decor is light greys, whites and splashes of bright colour. Tasteful, classic, modern.

Lindsay pushes on a frosted glass door to an office in the farthest corner of the space.

"Hello," Lindsay says to two women Xiomara doesn't recognize who are sitting inside. "Jolene, Patty... This is Xiomara."

Inside the office is sparsely decorated, very minimalist except for a small humidifier running on the desk, and a life-sized Hello Kitty doll in a far corner by floor to ceiling windows.

"Ah, the famous Xiomara!" Patty says. She walks around the desk to shake her hand. "You've got a lot of fans!"

"Proof I'm in the right career, I hope." Xiomara quips. The three women laugh generously.

"Well, I'll leave you all to it!" Lindsay says, stepping out of the room. "Good to see you, Xio."

"You too, Lindsay."

"Have a seat, please," the other woman gets up, gestures to a chair beside the one she sits in. "I'm Jolene—" Xiomara reaches out to shake her hand.

"I think you met with DeMarkus a couple days ago?" Jolene says. Xiomara nods as they take their seats.

"Yes, he's my boss and Patty here is... Well, she's the boss of everyone in the Canada offices." She smiles at Patty in a little teasing.

"Yes, that's what it says on paper, but I hate that word... 'boss'." The corners of Patty's lips turn down. "I like everyone at YAPR Canada to speak their mind and as soon as you start calling someone your 'boss', transparency gets a little cloudy."

"Fair enough!" Xiomara takes note. She'd never heard Karl say anything like that, didn't even know if her current boss had an opinion on that subject either way.

"So tell us about yourself? The stuff we can't find online or haven't read already..." Jolene asks.

Xiomara tells them about being in junior high school and starting a campaign to have the school board change its mind about a dress code.

"The board?" Jolene speaks up. "That's pretty impressive!"

"Well, it started with the school and then when some kids at other schools heard about it... Word of mouth did the rest."

Then she tells them about her dream job, isn't shy to admit that she sees herself in one of their roles one day. And truly feels like she's found her calling.

"Well!" Patty says once she's finished. "I don't think I've heard anyone else speak so passionately about working in public relations."

"Except for you," Jolene says, more playful teasing. "It's admirable that you still feel this way, a lot of people tend to get... A little jaded after a few years."

They talk for a few minutes about the struggle to stay enthusiastic day-to-day, then Patty throws the questions over to Xiomara.

"So do you have anything you want to know from us?"

Xiomara asks about the kinds of projects she would be working on if hired, and where she can take the role, once the first few months are out of the way.

She is out of the office less than fifteen minutes since arriving. Instead of going on the King street car back home, she takes the subway north to Osgoode Station, then the Queen streetcar west. She'll have to walk when at Roncesvalles, but there is no rush and this route avoids the Tarot PR office building completely.

In a structured t-shirt dress, mid-heel, faux-crocodile loafers, and a sleek, black cross-body bag, she is full interview-Barbie during her "vacation". On a weekday afternoon.

Besides the King cars sit in a row, not going anywhere. Probably due to an accident somewhere west.

She sends a thank you note to Jolene and Patty on the Queen streetcar, then another note to Lindsay to let her know she was on the way home and thought the interview went well.

Just as she unlocks her apartment door, an email comes back.

**Subject** : RE:... (:

They loved you! An offer letter is being written as you read this!!! :D

Finally, some good news.

Max: XIO. We have news.

Shit. Xiomara thinks. Me too. But I'm not sure y'all are ready for it.

Max: Malcolm came by the office today. Was hanging around the front door... Said he was looking for you.

Tam: Yea, and early too. We bumped into him on the way in.

Tam: We woulda told u right away but meetings etc...

Xiomara reads Maxine's second message three times. Confused by what the words say, what they mean. Confused by how she should feel. A little embarrassed. A bit angry. And a little impressed. Very little.

Xio: And yet, he hasn't actually contacted me at all.

Max: He said he doesn't want to give you the chance to ignore him... And he doesn't want to come to your place because he doesn't want to be "that guy"... Whatever that means.

Xio: LOL!!!

Xiomara is telling the truth, she is actually laughing out loud. The nerve, he doesn't want to be the type of guy who just shows up at her place, but he will be the type to leave right after having sex without saying a word? She doesn't bother typing that in the chat, they'll know exactly what she's thinking and why she laughs.

Tam: He did look pretty sad... as in upset and pitiful.

Xio: Et tu, Tam?

Tam: I'm just saying... I felt kind of sorry for the guy.

At least he wasn't moving on. Like Ray. At least he felt something, even if his excuses don't make sense.

Xio: You guys think this is some kind of game? Like, he knows you'll tell me that he stopped by Tarot and thinks that will get me to reach out to him?

Tam: Noooo... He didn't know you wouldn't be at the office today. I think he genuinely wanted to speak to you in person, but...

Max: Not sure what kind of conversation y'all would have had at the office?

Xio: Did my vacation come up?

Max: Nope!

Tam: Absolutely not.

Xio: I love you guys.

Max: We would be the hottest lesbian thrupple ever. Think about it.

Maxine's talent for phonetic spelling goes on full display in a discussion over the spelling of the word 'throuple'. It works to take Xiomara's mind off everything, and she loves her friends for that.

Xiomara waits. Lets a moment pass.

Xio: Ok, I have news but I'm going to put it in the chat and delete it, you ready?

Max: Ready.

Tam: Go.

Xio: I interviewed at YAPR and it looks like... they're sending me an offer.

She waits for two blue checkmarks, then deletes the message.

Tam: Talk later?

###

"So what's this I hear about you meeting at YAPR?"

She knew the phone call from Karl meant trouble when the name showed up on her phone, the day after interview. They've barely said hello before Karl gets right to the point.

"I'm sure you know what this is." Xiomara responds. She puts the phone on speaker and opens the group chat.

"Well. You're right about that. I thought we had an understanding."

Xio: Know the answer but either of u say anything to Karl re YAPR?

"We did have an understanding Karl, but—"

"You realize, that conversation we had some weeks ago about your future, what I'm doing here is making sure you can have the career you want? That all Tarot employees can have the career they want?"

Her voice ticks up, is almost shrill. Xiomara's eyes widen. In her five years at Tarot, Karl had yelled twice. Once at a new employee who never came back, the second time was at their client contact for the company they were working with before BLT.

"I did think about that, but Karl... I'm not the type of person to leave my career in the hands of someone else. And I need to pursue an opportunity when it comes. I'm sure you know what that's about." She says.

Two messages show up in the group chat:

Tam: Fuck no.

Max: Absolutely not.

She must not have been that careful going into the YAPR office. Or Karl was having her followed. An absurd notion but one that wouldn't completely surprise Xiomara if it was the truth.

"That's how these things go, Xiomara." Karl's voice inches back down to her normal volume. But somehow that makes things worse. "We have to keep things confidential for our clients, stakeholders... I don't have to tell you that."

"That might be true, but what I don't like is having my fate and future decided by people I don't even know and who don't know me—"

" _I_ know you." Karl yells back. "And you think those people at YAPR are any different? Or any other company out there? That's what they all do. Make decisions that impact their employees."

"At this point I'd rather make my own decisions than be... rolling around on someone else's ship..."

Xiomara pauses, waits for the words to sink in.

"How did you find out, anyway?" Xiomara asks.

"Does it matter now?"

No, but yes.

"Was it someone from YAPR? Or someone saw me at the office?"

"I honestly thought we could have a conversation in person, but it sounds like you're pretty resolute, about your decision."

"You're right. I am. It's just... Time for me to move on."

"Ok. Well, you'll have to come by the office to pack up your stuff. Probably best to do it on a weekend, or after hours or something. Your key will be deactivated... After your vacation."

"Yes. That sounds good."

There's silence on both ends. It feels like there should be more. A hug, cheers at a bar, some words of encouragement. But everything that needs to be said has already been said.

###

Xio: Got a table in the park, by the... weird tree.

It's Xiomara's vacation Thursday but she refuses to stay in the apartment all day again. And she is seriously starving for lunch with friends.

My twins, she thinks affectionately. Even though that term for her two friends does not make any sense, it's caught on.

And there is a lot to discuss. The table is a little wobbly, but it's the only one the three of them can sit at in the park, which is more like parkette, a couple blocks south of King on Portland. A small extension to a parking lot nearby that hasn't been paved over yet.

"Hey TWINS!" She sees them walk around the corner before they have a chance to see her.

"Whoo! Girl." Maxine says as she sits down.

"We have a lot to tell you." Tamiko adds.

"Yea, Karl called me yesterday... After... Should we turn our phones off?" Xiomara asks.

"Already on it," Tamiko says, putting a dead phone on the table. Maxine and Xiomara follow her lead.

"Yea, so Karl called me yesterday. What do we go over first?"

Tamiko and Maxine look at each other, neither of them sure of just where to begin.

"Ok, first, I have a second date with Peyton..." Tamiko looks over her friends' blank faces.

"Oh! Belly button?" Xiomara exclaims at putting the details together.

"Ding ding!" Tamiko says. "Thought we might as well get that out of the way first. Moving on. Xiomara, This merger... Baby. A mess..."

"That's to be expected, no?"

"I guess. So that whole conversation she had with you, about what this was supposed to mean for us and the future, none of that is happening--"

"Well, for now, at least," Maxine interjects.

"We've gotten new employment contracts that have us doing the same jobs, making the same money as before."

"Have you guys signed the contracts?"

"I haven't." Tamiko says.

"Me neither. But it's not like they can do anything about it." Maxine says. "We're making all of the calls to clients about the change, so... They need us to make sure this goes smoothly..."

"Yes, and I'm already getting hesitation from some." Tamiko says.

"Don't worry, I won't be bringing any of this back to YAPR." Xiomara puts in.

"Meh, you could. I don't care."

"You've really had it with these people, eh?" Maxine asks Tamiko.

"I kind of have. I allowed myself to have some hope... A little hope." Tamiko puts her finger and thumb close together by her eye. "When this merger happened, but... My enthusiasm is curbed. Anyway, Xiomara. What did Karl say?"

Tamiko and Maxine put their forks down, lean in as Xiomara goes over the interview and then hearing from Karl the next day.

"I just cannot figure out how she found out I was interviewing at YAPR. Damn it!"

"What's the worst that can happen, do you think?" Tamiko asks. Not to calm Xiomara's nerves, she's asking seriously.

"I wouldn't put it past her to get in touch with my new manager, I don't know for what or why... There's nothing she can say about me, but... The way she just has people in her pocket..."

"This merger might be a good thing," Tamiko says, her finger at her lips in thought. "She probably won't have time to really do anything."

"Yea, maybe she'll just... Let you go on your way and focus on other things?" Maxine suggests. "Either way, it doesn't work to stress out about what she may or may not do."

"She told me I have a week to clean out my desk."

"Shit."

"Yea, so... Consider me Tarot PR Persona Non Grata."

"Another one added to the list." Maxine says with a sigh.

"I just never thought you would be next, ya know?" Tamiko says. "I knew something like this was coming. Just couldn't put my finger on what. I could feel it in my toes."

Maxine giggles.

"What." Tamiko asks. "What's so funny."

"People usually feel... Other things in their toes."

"Well my vibrator is broken so I wouldn't know anything about that."

"You poor thing!" Xiomara exclaims.

"Shut up. Okay, look." She suddenly pops up in her seat. "You guys, I know I've been making a lot of demands on us lately, but this one is important."

Xiomara and Maxine nod at her, ready for whatever she's going to say next.

"Can we just try to stick together, regardless of what happens? Xiomara, you're moving on, but let's not let that mess with what's going on between us."

"Of course!" Xiomara yells, puts her pinkies out to Maxine and Tamiko.

"Same!" Maxine hooks her pinky on Xiomara's and holds the other one out to Tamiko. "Not without my twins."

"Okay, didn't know we were gonna do a whole pinky thing, but..." Tamiko joins her pinkies in with the group.

## THE BIRTHDAY PARTY

The words are right there in her calendar on the Saturday of Xiomara's week off, in black and white: 'kids bday, 6 to 8 pm'.

Over the week she cleaned the apartment, reorganized her closet, got rid of books she never intends to read, went out with Maxine and Tamiko to a bar, then to a club. Stayed away from Malcolm and Ray's social media. Finally filed the taxes she'd forgotten. Ready for a fresh start.

She sends a text to Julianne an hour before the party. First an Uber to her mother's house, a fifteen-minute ride, 20 to account for traffic. At least an hour at Julianne's house to catch up and wait for her to get ready, even though she had the whole day. The getting ready part was more about strengthening resolve. Getting mentally prepared for what was coming. Then to Mateo's house. Ten minutes by car.

Julianne: Yea, what time where you thinking of coming by?

Xiomara gets the ride and heads downstairs.

Mija: Heading over now.

Xiomara's shoulders slump when Julianne opens the door in a pink housecoat and hair in a messy ponytail.

"You're not even close to being ready."

Juliane turns around to head back to her bedroom. "We have plenty of time! When does this thing start again?"

"It starts at six!"

Silence comes from the back area of the house where Julianne's room is. Xiomara hears running water, some music.

She walks to the kitchen and puts a kettle on. She opens the cupboard to find cups, and stops. There behind the boxes of teas, Oreo cookies.

All my years of growing up, and now you decide to allow cookies in the house?!

"And what time is it now?" Julianne's voice is now just outside the doorway to the kitchen.

"What are you doing? I thought you were getting ready!"

Julianne shrugs, still in her robe, but her hair is down, out of the ponytail. She brushes it back from her face. "Maybe we get there a little late." She walks into the kitchen and pulls out one of two seats at the kitchen table.

"Ma, please. It's a kid's birthday party."

"Are you making tea? Can you make me a cup please?"

"That's what I was doing... I was hoping it would encourage you to hurry up."

"Tawww," Julianne smiles at her daughter. "You know me so well."

"You're right. I knew you wouldn't be ready."

"Hush. You really want to go to this... this kid's birthday party?"

"Well... She's my half-sister." Xiomara says quietly. These words will sting, but it's the truth. "Besides, it'll be good to see everyone."

"You're right, I haven't seen your tía Celine in almost a year. You know we used to talk everyday?"

"Didn't you all go on some cruise together a couple months ago?"

The kettle chimes. Xiomara turns to go back to the cupboard.

"I guess it will be good for us to go... Show people. Oh look! See? Sure Mateo stepped out and had a whole family behind his first wife's back! We're all fine now!"

Xiomara says nothing, opens the fridge and reaches for milk.

"What kind of tea do you want?" She asks her mother.

"I'll take a green... So what's going on with you?" Julianne asks.

"Yes, I guess we haven't really talked lately..." Xiomara lets the silence linger, daring Julianne to say something about their last conversations.

"Are you seeing anyone?" She asks instead.

Xiomara sighs. "No Julianne, I'm still single." Takes a sip of tea and burns her lips slightly.

"Well have you thought about working out? Changing your diet?"

"Here we go. Is that what you're doing with those cookies in the closet?"

"Oh please, Diane left those here last time she came over. And I'm not the one complaining about being single."

"I was being sarcastic. Because that's all you talk to me about. You know, I left Tarot PR? Sorry, I've been working at Tarot PR for the last five years? Got a great job at another agency?"

"Yes, you're very fancy now."

Xiomara rolls her eyes.

"Can't hang up on me this time." Julianne continues.

Xiomara gets up from her seat.

"We were actually fine a few minutes ago, I don't understand what happened here. What is it, are you mad at me because I hung up on you?" Xiomara sticks her head out, peers her mother at Julianne in confusion.

"Oh, please. That's not the first time you've done that, I don't know where your manners went, but I'm used to it by now."

"You know... I had a shitty year when it came to dating, the guy I was seeing? Yea, he dumped me and then another one... But I am refusing to become bitter about any of it. Do I know how to do that? No. Because the example you set is what I'm trying not to do."

Now Julianne gets up. Her cup of tea still sits on the kitchen counter. "You're blaming me—?"

"You know what? I think... I am fucking hot—"

Julianne's eyes widen, all of the breath in her body leaves, hand goes to chest in shock at Xiomara pronouncing every syllable in words she's never heard her daughter say before.

"I am making money doing work that I love. I have amazing friends. And all that is a lot more than many other people can say, so I refuse — absolutely refuse — to believe any of the shitty things that have happened in my love life has anything to do with something as superficial as my weight, of all things. I feel the best I've ever felt in my life. And I'm _not_ going to church."

"Clearly!" Julianne yells, still in shock at Xiomara swearing but now shaken at so much more that was said.

She sits back down at the table. Xiomara watches a sad look come over Julianne's eyes, her face turned away to the kitchen wall, chin in the air. Xiomara turns to the counter to get the tea she'd made. She puts it down on the table in front of Julianne, but her mother crosses her arms.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have hung up on you... And that... Was a lot. I've been holding all of this in, I guess that's obvious too. But you've been getting on me about my weight for years. Ever since I was a freaking kid! I'm tired of it. And these... Ideas you have, just because of what happened between you and my dad. I don't see men that way. Yes, bad things have happened, but I'm not interested in being negative... I'm not asking you to change, but you need to understand me. How I feel about my life and who I am. Or we can go to this party in separate cars."

Another long silence. Xiomara eventually stops looking to Julianne for a response, goes back to her tea.

"I should get ready," Julianne says quietly, finally. She gets up to leave the table, warm tea left behind.

###

A group of seven kids run past Xiomara and Julianne as they walk up to Mateo's blue Victorian-style home in the east end of the city. Xiomara feels the nostalgia pang with hurt, remembering summer days she'd spend on corners of the wrap-around porch, reading or hiding from some aunt that had just dropped in.

Now balloons in a different favourite colour for each birthday child float from the bannisters. Yellow for Ava, blue for Olivier, Xiomara's cousin, who was turning five and neon pink for Ale, short for Alejandro, also turning five.

"They better be careful or the house might float away," she mutters to her mother, in an attempt to go back to their routine but Julianne speeds up with her arms out to someone who turns and gives them a wide smile.

Xiomara hangs back, unsure if she should walk in with Julianne but after a brief greeting to the family friend, it's clear they're not paying attention to her anymore.

Inside the house there are play and non-play aunts, uncles she'd lost touch with. Neighbours, family friends new and old, parents of the kids' friends.

At least there was this familiarity.

The party continues, Xiomara and Julianne avoiding each other as food is served and activities start and end. There are three piñatas, a clown, an air castle.

Xiomara was ready for the cake until she saw him. Her father, Mateo, walking out of the house. His face lit up with sparklers stuck in a unicorn cake. Pearl, his new wife and Ava's mother, carefully walking down the stairs to cross the lawn. They carry the cake in their hands, balancing carefully and watching Ada with big grins.

She'll take them both down and land face-first in that cake, she thinks, taking in the five-inch espadrilles on Pearl's feet. In addition to Julianne, Xiomara was doing a light avoidance of Pearl too. So far this was as close as she'd gotten to saying hello, even though this party was in her house... The house that Xiomara grew up in but now belonged to her stepmother.

Ava leaps out of her seat, jumps up and down at seeing the cake come down the stairs. The other kids had similar couples of adults coming out with cakes just as fancy. Another unicorn, in a different colour, and a purple elephant with wings.

She should be happily chatting it up with her cousins and family in the backyard, but that image of Mateo clouds her vision. She skipped on getting a slice of cake. Opted for a beer instead.

A group of children run by her as she stands on the east side of the house, looking out across the houses in the neighbourhood that slopes down until the edge of a beach starts and the water of the lake begins. It's silly to compare, obviously. Almost stupid. But she does it anyway, remembers how her birthdays in those years were just as festive. She was lucky, being the only girl born in mid-June in her family. She didn't have to share her birthday with anyone, but she did share her father's attention. Now if she could choose, she would have chosen this. Sharing her birthday with three or four other people so her father would be around. If she had a choice.

After the divorce she found out that Pearl, Mateo's girlfriend at the time, have the same birthday. When her party came around in those final years (which were only a couple, but at that age, a couple was a lot) the reason he wasn't around was because he was caught up somewhere with her.

So aunts and cousins carried out her cakes. Of course she didn't care, was happy to have cake, her friends, new toys and an entire day just to celebrate her. The sting came later, after the friends and family and cake were gone.

"Hey!" Mateo walks around to her area of the porch. "What are you doing out here by yourself! You okay?" He puts an arm around her shoulders and squeezes.

"Yep. I'm fine." She takes a sip of a beer, concentrates on the caps forming on a waves disappearing and reappearing in the water far away.

"You sure? Who is he?" He takes the beer out of her hand and drinks some, tries to hand it back but she refuses.

"He?"

"I know that look."

"What look?"

"I know what being in love looks like!" Mateo sounds too sure, too confident.

Xiomara nods slowly. "Being in love?" She mocks, a version of Julianne imitating him. "In love?! Seriously? You know what I was thinking about? What I just realized? You weren't really around for my birthdays. What was it, from like, five to ten? You were... busy I guess. My birthday is in a couple weeks, do you want to plan my party? I guess you'll be busy with Pearl."

The words all come out as one. His smile dissolves. He puts the beer down on the bannister of the porch, interlaces his fingers and follows her gaze.

"It's really got me wondering," she continues. "Like, why weren't you there for me like this? What did I do that was so bad that you couldn't carry my cake out?"

He takes a deep breath.

"I wasn't that guy, Xiomara. Your mother had you and I wasn't a man. I was a child." He responds, his voice deep and low.

A group of children run by.

"GAHHHHH!" One of them screams. "Fast-her! We've got to go fast-her!"

The rest of them shriek in response.

"I was... I was a different person, back then. I was doing my best. Pathetic as it was. You don't want to hear this, but with Ava, her little brother and sister, I get a second chance to do fatherhood right."

"Hm." She laughs out of her nose. "Good for you. You didn't want me, but that's my problem to figure out, that's what I get for your second chance."

"That is not true. I know this isn't fair. I'm sorry."

"What isn't true, that you didn't want me? How do you expect me to find any kind of love after you and your ex-wife messed me up?"

The kids run by again, no screaming this time. All of their energy is focused on the task. Mateo shakes his head and closes his eyes. Small feet pound wood of the porch floor. It vibrates under their feet.

Then the whoops. Each child jumps off the porch and lets out ecstatic screams as they leap down into the earth below with their arms out.

"I did it!" A girl's voice screams. "I flew! I flew! Did you see?!"

An argument ensues, about who flew and who didn't, about the rules of human flying.

"Again!" One of the older kids screams and the group, larger now, with more children recruited in the effort, climbs back up the porch and gathers to get ready to run.

"I am sorry, Xiomara. Deeply sorry. There's nothing I can do to go back and make this right. But I am here for you now if you need me. The rest... It's up to you to forgive."

He stands up straight and turns towards her.

"Listen:" He continues, now with more resolve. "What I did had nothing to do with you. It did not mean I didn't love you, it did not mean you were unworthy."

Xiomara turns in his direction. Behind him, she sees Julianne watching them, in her own conversation with a cousin and a crying baby on her hip. Mateo turns around to see what she's looking at. Julianne cuts her eyes at them and turns her body away, around the cousin. Mateo turns back, there's something new in his eyes now, sadness with some new realization.

"If I could change how I was, better... explain things to you or..." Mateo speaks in Spanish. "I don't know. Just don't become bitter. You're not like her. Okay?"

He squeezes her arm, until she looks him in the eye.

"Do you hear me?" He asks.

"Yes."

He walks away leaving her with the beer still sitting on the bannister. She tips it over the edge, watches it fall to the earth, the liquid slipping out and disappearing into the grass.

## AN IRREGULAR SUNDAY

Xiomara starts the day with meditation, deep breathing. Something she saw on another YouTube video. Then some coffee. Only the coffee feels right.

There is shopping; running shoes, sports bras, workout tops and pants. Groceries. Laundry.

When the opportunity came up to choose her start date at YAPR, she thought, why not give myself another week? So there will be another five days. Plenty of time to start a new workout routine, catch up with Maxine and Tamiko, maybe a new tattoo on Monday, see a play, visit some museum.

But Karl wasn't so lenient. She agreed to give Xiomara the weekend to clean out her desk, and that had been left to the last minute, so it is the first task of her Sunday.

She pours the coffee into a reusable cup, grabs keys, puts shoes on and heads out.

Her feet hit the ground, moment by moment, heart is a drum beating slow at first, faster as the streetcar nears Spadina. The energy is different in the city before eight in the morning on a Sunday. Cleaner, a little holier.

Maybe Karl decided to be petty and shut her key off on Friday instead of Monday morning, like she promised. Maybe she'll get to the building and find all of her stuff in garbage bags outside, her favourite cup smashed at the bottom of the bag. What if BLT took the office over on the weekend and she can't even get in the building. Her hands shake pulling the front door open. This isn't illegal, technically she is still an employee of Tarot PR, still had lawful access to the building. But saying that to herself makes no difference to the drum beat in her chest.

What is this? Why am I nervous?

Stop.

Breathe.

A small relief at swiping her key on the door and the lock light turning green, a soft, happy click. You're still welcome here, it says.

There's no time to stand still in nostalgia. Straight to the desk. Her eyes avoid Karl's office, as if her former boss is in there watching. In the supply closet Xiomara finds a large tote bag from an event long past, grabs two of them, then a third. Old shoes and clothes, scarves, tampons, salt and pepper, three mugs, chargers for her cell. Heart beat goes from anxious to light, the packing is finished and she looks around to make sure nothing has been left behind.

Tamiko's desk. Maxine's.

She pulls the favourite mug out, cleans it, and puts in on Maxine's desk. It says 'Try Jesus. Don't try me.' on it, something she's definitely heard her say.

On Tamiko's desk she leaves an amethyst paper weight she'd gotten from a cousin. She remembers Tamiko seeing the object, knowing exactly what it was and marvelling at it. Meanwhile she didn't even know what it was called.

She wraps the tampons in an empty bag and puts them on Tamiko's chair. She had a thing, about buying tampons every single time she had her period because she never had what she needed when she needed it.

Now. Go.

Once outside she closes the door gently. Her feet step down the stairs, a light heart now. The door gives easily and she's out, sun nearly blinding her vision.

"Xiomara!"

No.

"Xiomara..."

It can't be.

The voice is closer now. Rushing, walking fast. She turns.

"Yes, Malcolm?"

They're face to face. He pauses. Visibly shaken. Instead of saying whatever he needs to say, he reaches out for her bag. She pulls back.

"What do you want?"

"Can I..." He reaches out again.

"You want to help me with my bag? You were waiting out here, not even ten in the morning on a Sunday, to help me with my bag?— No!" She pulls away a third time. "What do you want?!"

His arm goes down in defeat.

"I need to apologize to you. I... I'm sorry for the way I left things... after..."

"After we fucked, yes."

"Is that all it was?"

"Is that it then?" Xiomara turns to leave. He gets in front and blocks her way.

"Finish what you need to say. I don't want to spend my Sunday morning here looking at you."

"Ok, do you want to go somewhere to talk?"

"We are somewhere."

"Xiomara... I... That night was intense. These last few months have been intense for me."

She opens her mouth to ask what he means by the last few months, but decides not to engage.

"Yes, months. When we met, at the Revel building. I felt something. I felt a connection. I don't know if you felt it too, but... Everything about you, I memorized it right away, I knew it right away. The sound of your voice, the way you cock your head to the side sometimes when you smile. The way your lips curve when you're annoyed..."

His eyes slowly scan every part of her face, drift down to her lips that she tries to change so that they're neutral, but can't. Instead tears form at her eyes. She doesn't bother to wipe them away or hide it. As if by reflex, tears start to form in his eyes too.

"I'm sorry— I'm sorry! Can we talk..."

Xiomara goes around him and walks away so that he doesn't see the tears fall. He runs up to stop her again.

"Do you know what that did to me?" She says to him. It feels like she should be screaming but the words come out calm, quiet. "Do you have any idea what it was like to have... And then for you to just disappear and not call or text or anything?"

He stands, now quiet, pleads with his eyes. She'd been cool up until the tears, and then she says these words all at once. If he had memorized everything about her, done enough to get her alone and finally find her here, he had to know she couldn't just brush something like this off.

"Hold up! Wait a minute..." She pauses, searching his face first before asking:

"Did you follow me here?!"

"No... I went to your place and when you weren't there—"

"You came to my workplace? What, on a guess?!"

"Well, it was the only other place I could think of to go."

"And I thought you didn't want to come to my apartment. I thought you didn't want to be ' _that_ ' guy?"

"So you spoke to Tamiko and Maxine..."

" _Of course_ I spoke to them! They're my closest friends! Also, a little manipulative, don't you think?"

"No... No, I wasn't trying to... I honestly thought you'd be there and I could talk to you. It just didn't feel right going to your apartment."

"It felt right the first time, though... Okay, that's enough. I... I need to go. Malcolm, wish you all the best."

"Can you give me a chance to explain? I don't know how to make sense of what happened when I first saw you. And the attraction... I couldn't ignore it anymore. After that 819 party and then at Tarot and then when I saw you with DeMarkus..."

He stops speaking, seems to look at Xiomara for some help she can't give.

"I'm not this person." His voice comes out gruff. "I don't... Fall in love and get distracted by women... Business comes first. Business... Used to come first and then I met you and couldn't get you out of my fucking mind. Why can't I get you out of my mind?"

Xiomara raises her eyebrows at him, shakes her head and blinks her eyes, confused that he would expect her to have an answer.

"You really saying you didn't feel the same thing I felt?" He asks. "What do you want me to say! I got scared! I didn't want any of those feelings. But I saw you... and figured we just needed to fuck and that would be the end of it."

"I'm calling an Uber—"

"Please, Xiomara! Let me get this out!"

She steps back but looks up at him with her phone in her hand.

"I blocked my heart. For _years_. So long that this... Meeting you completely threw me off. And I figured we'd go out and you'd have no sense of humour... Or you'd be a psycho... Or still crying over some ex-boyfriend... Something. And then we fucked and instead of those things I felt for you... It didn't go away. The attraction... It turned into something more."

Xiomara looks away from him. Somewhere over his shoulder.

"It would be better if you come out and just say it." She says to him finally, her voice coming out clear, direct. "If you want anything to happen between us—"

"I... I told Karl. I saw you with DeMarkus. Negotiations with the merger weren't going well. She... Had so many questions, didn't trust us. And I figured if I told her I saw you interviewing, she'd know she could trust us. I am sorry."

Xiomara nods, smiles. The bag is digging into her shoulder now but she's determined not to show any reaction to it, to avoid him trying to help again. She turns back to the building, rests the bag on the stairs and sits on the steps. Unlocks her phone. He stands blocking the sun in front of her, not making a move to get any closer.

"Congratulations. Your strategy worked." She says to him as the app searches for a ride.

"I'm sorry." He says. "I am really, really sorry." His voice wavers but she doesn't look up. He clears his throat. She can hear him inhale as if getting ready to say something else. The driver she's meeting is less than a minute away, across the street. Just behind Malcolm's arm a white Elantra makes a u-turn.

She gets up, lifts the bag with her hand.

"Can we talk about this?" Malcolm asks, his voice raspy.

"No." She looks in his eye, on her way to the car behind him.

###

"Uh, miss?" Lee, the driver of the Elantra, stops at King and Dufferin. "I think you are being followed?"

Xiomara turns to see Malcolm on a bicycle behind them. They make eye contact. His arms go out in some appeal but she turns around.

"Just... Don't worry about it. I'll take care of him when we get to my place."

"You sure? Should I call the police?"

"No, no... It's fine, trust me."

Xio: I'm in an Uber. Malcolm is following me on a bike.

Tam:...

Max: What?! How the fuck did that happen?! Did you ask him about the merger? What did he say? Don't do this to us!!!

She puts the phone away, refusing to respond before getting to her apartment and locking the door behind her.

"You sure you don't want me to take a different route? Or speed up to get away from him?" Lee asks.

"Won't make a difference. Just ignore him."

"Ooohkay." Lee says in a singsong voice, keeps his eyes forward and follows instructions. Every once in a while Xiomara catches him throwing anxious glances in the rearview mirror.

Xiomara gets out of the car as soon as it comes to a stop outside of her building.

"Thank you!" She says to Lee and runs for the door but behind her she hears his bicycle hit the ground. He's close enough to catch the apartment door before she can close it.

"Ok, so we're here at my apartment, Malcolm. You have the door open, what now?"

"This... Is the exact type of thing I was trying to avoid." His voice is calm, energy focused even with the hard breathing. He leans on the door, clearly needing a rest.

Xiomara's phone buzzes.

Tam: Do we need to call the police?

Malcolm gently pulls the phone out of her hand.

"Hey!" She yells at him.

"I thought... I could avoid things getting... complicated. Then... Then we had that night and I realized I couldn't be around you without totally laying myself open and bare. I wanted to show you everything about me, I wanted to see and touch every part of you..."

Someone from inside the building shows up in the lobby, tries to step around him to leave but Malcolm doesn't stop talking.

"I wasn't ready for that... But I want to change. Now—"

"Someone's behind you." He stops, turns to move out of the woman's way.

"Thank you," the woman mutters and rushes past them.

"I messed this up and I want to fix it. If you'll let me."

"Can I have my phone please?"

His shoulders slump, eyes continue to search for something in Xiomara that she doesn't have.

"I forgive you." She says. Please..." Her hand goes out for the phone.

"Do you really forgive me?"

"Yea. I'm going to YAPR." She says to him. "It's a promotion, more money, great agency. Ah, but you know all of this already. Anyway if things didn't work out..." She shrugs. He hands back the device, his face fallen. She walks around him to go in the building. He turns around and follows her but stays just inside the door.

"But I'm moving on, and I can't do that holding a grudge. You should do the same." She walks to the elevators, saying the words to him over her shoulder.

"Can I call you instead?"

"You can, but you shouldn't!" She says watching the elevator numbers light up.

Do not turn.

Do not look.

Do not look at him.

She doesn't have to to know his eyes are on her, he still stands there with the door behind him. An elevator comes and she slips inside quickly, grateful to finally get away.

Once the doors close she realizes she'd been holding her breath.

"God... Jesus!" She pulls at the neck of her t-shirt, tries to pull air in down and under her armpits. Her chest gets hot and a row of sweat appears on her brow. A moment of relief at having worn a grey t-shirt that doesn't show the perfectly oval sweat marks growing under her armpits. In the apartment she unlocks her phone.

Xio: No police needed. Fire truck maybe, but no police. Ok. Here's the rundown.

One long paragraph reviews what happened with Malcolm and how he found her after she'd cleaned out her desk at the office. Then the reveal: that he was the one who told Karl about her speaking with DeMarkus.

She puts the phone down. Rubs at her shoulder and back. Doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. She opens up every window in the apartment. She is hot, physically too hot. She sits in front of the air conditioner and can finally think straight.

But damn.

When he broke down, stopped just staring at her and dropped that wall... She didn't think it was possible for him to get any hotter, but there he was, naked in the middle of King Street in downtown Toronto, then at her apartment building telling her everything.

Now she knows the connection is real.

He feels the same way about her that she feels about him.

And wanted to make things right.

This is what it was supposed to feel like... is supposed to feel like. Knowing the truth about his feelings made her so happy she could laugh out loud.

Even though it is ruined, whatever was there between her and Malcolm. He'd made sure of that and she couldn't decide whether to be happy or cry inconsolably. Instead she feels calm. Shaky, unsure. But calm.

## ANOTHER IRREGULAR WEEK

Max: Thank you for the cuuuuup! *multiple crying emojis*

Tam: Yes! Thank you for the amethyst and the tampons! *grin emoji* *bawling emoji*

Xio: So what'd you guys talk about on the streetcar today.

Max: You, mostly. Tam's date with that Preston guy... Stuff going on at work.

Tam:... And...?

Max:... And Angel. I told Tam I tried to talk to him some months back.

Xio: What!

Max: Tried to give him this painting I was working on of him but he did not want it... It was pretty bad actually.

Xio: Why didn't you tell us before?

Max: Just wanted to move on. And I had to go away and process things on my own first...

Max: I think it's cool how all this happened and you didn't just fall apart and flip a table and shit. And honestly, Angel was great and everything, but... We had issues.

Xio: Tots understand.

A few minutes pass. Xiomara goes out of the apartment for a walk and coffee.

Tam: Xio, we're at the morning meeting and Malcolm is clearly looking for you

Xio: What? They're at the office?!

Tam: No, we're doing a video conference. I'm watching him right now scanning the room...

Tam: Karl just made the announcement about you leaving Tarot. He got up and left.

Xio: I told him everything yesterday...

Xiomara starts to write another message; _what did she..._ but deletes it.

A new computer sits on her kitchen table at home, beside a copy of the offer package from YAPR. Some time today she'll be getting a cell phone delivered. The benefits plan starts immediately. She's got to make decisions about how and where she wants to invest as part of the company's savings plan, send in her dietary requirements. Her new YAPR email address is active, and her calendar is already filling up.

Right now it doesn't matter what Karl said or what didn't say or how she said it. Tarot PR is not Xiomara's life anymore. Right now it is time for her to move on.

###

Late Wednesday morning. Xiomara is third in line at the coffee shop in her neighbourhood when her eyes lock on another pair. Familiar.

"Ray? What are you..." She stops herself from saying the rest of the words: _doing in this area_. Remembers walking by the bars in his neighbourhood. What happened after her date with Flashy Car Sean. That park. The Instagram feed she had memorized. His photo in the lavender field that she took and he posted. She didn't have a right to ask that question.

Ray backs away slightly, but can't avoid getting in line behind her.

"How are you?" His voice is monotone. She knows it's not a question she's meant to actually answer.

It's her turn to order. She smiles at the barista.

"Can I have an Americano please?" Then back to Ray.

"I'm good. You?"

"Good."

It's clear he is not looking to have a conversation. She remembers the phone calls, the voicemails, the texts. His one line response; don't think it's a good idea.

She goes over to the milk station, pours some in, stirs quickly, secures a lid, careful to walk — not rush — out of the shop.

"Uh... Xiomara?"

Half a block away, Ray takes just enough steps towards her so they can hear each other outside.

Maybe he does want to talk, she thinks. In the second it takes for him to catch up she remembers another YouTube video by a different relationship guru. "Once you stop needing the guy," they said, "your energy changes and chances are, the guy is going to want you, he'll end up wanting you; calling or texting you."

Is this it?

Her heart already starts to lighten, but she keeps her expression neutral.

Have I changed my energy?

"Hey... Just wanted to ask... Do you have that helmet I gave you?"

"Helmet?"

"Yea, that green helmet?"

"Uh... No?"

"What happened to it?"

It made a lot of noise going down the garbage chute.

"I threw it out."

"Are you fucking serious? That thing cost over four-hundred dollars."

"Maybe you shouldn't be handing out four-hundred dollar helmets to women you're not serious about."

Ray rolls his eyes and looks behind him. She starts to walk away while his head is turned.

"Seriously?"

"Well, what do you want? You want me to pay for it?"

"Obviously, yea!"

"Holy fuck. I'll send you a transfer when I get home."

"Can we not draw this out, please?"

"You want me to send you the money now?" Xiomara speaks in a low voice.

He sticks his head out, stares at her, blinks twice. She unlocks her phone, thinks of insulting things she could say. Ask him if he lost his job, tell him the next time he gives a woman a helmet to make sure the last girl didn't leave her hair in it. But that's where the lines stop. And she decides not to say any of it.

With the transfer complete, Ray looks at his phone but Xiomara walks away before he can say anything or turn around first.

The walk home gives her a chance to think. To really think.

How it would be different if she was going to date now. Someone different, obviously, but more than that. Some thing different. Maturity, intelligence. Devotion, a real connection. The type of man who could focus. Could have a conversation without getting distracted. Oh, and the sex. Not the stilted, embarrassing, timid sex she'd had with Ray. No holding back. It was such a waste of that body. She wants laughs. Conversation that lasts so long time disappears.

Like Malcolm.

Stop.

Not Malcolm.

There had to be other options. He wasn't the only man in the city. There was Viktor, maybe he was over his ex and could be that guy. Or someone from the office who knows the guy. Or a friend of a friend she hasn't met yet.

Besides now isn't the right time for some intense affair. She is a couple days away from starting at YAPR. Already there is a client meeting, travel being booked to Los Angeles for a quarterly manager meeting, a pitch that nearly half the agency was working on. Malcolm couldn't be it.

Xio: Well, twins. Bumped into Ray.

Tam: Drinks tonight? It's Thursty Thursdays at Grio

Xio: +1

Max: ++1

###

"It's not like he could be a little mature? Or just... Not an asshole? Like, really? To demand I pay him right then and there, on the street."

Xiomara wipes some water off the table before putting a glass down. They're in Grio's backyard patio, day just turning to night.

"Ok, don't hate me, but... I don't think it was wrong for him to ask for the money for the helmet," Maxine says. "If it was really that expensive."

"No, that's totally fine. I shouldn't have thrown it out... Although there is a part of me that would've burned the thing, so that is my payment for dealing with his ass... My thing is the waiting for me to pay him right then and there."

" _That_ was fucked up," Maxine agrees.

Tamiko nods her head as well. "Yes, but it's even more fucked up that he gave it to you in the first place and then dumped you within a week."

"At least he waited until I was out of the coffee shop before harassing me about the thing..."

"Oh, girl, no. See? You're doing it again." Maxine says. "He does something shitty, and you say 'well, at least he didn't do that' or 'at least he had the decency to blah blah blah'. Just admit the shit and leave it there."

The waiter comes by to ask about the drinks. Maxine checks in about ordering another round.

"You're absolutely right. Force of habit." Xiomara says, taking another sip. "I should've told him his head game was trash."

"Now you see how wrong that guy was for you?" Maxine asks.

"You know what's funny, is all that dating advice stuff I was watching and studying on YouTube, I would see shit about deep dating and all the stuff he was doing and just... skip! Ignore!"

"Stuff like what?" Tamiko asks.

The waiter comes by to refill glasses and places more water on the table.

"Oh, anything that talked about how he would shut down if I tried to have a serious conversation about our relationship, him checking out other women, etc. So I knew he was wrong for me... I just wasn't willing to see it."

"Ohhh..." Tamiko says.

"I know." Xiomara rolls her eyes to the side. "Don't worry, I called Dr. Forest today."

###

At night, when it's quiet enough to feel like she is alone in the world, Xiomara thinks in some way she and Malcom can talk to each other. Sometimes she imagines he tells her she's perfect, the way her skin feels, and the way her hair plays with the light as it fell around his face that one night he got close to her. She thinks she can feel him trying to remember what her touch was like, those few hours when they lay in bed between being fully awake and asleep.

She turns over in bed. This can't be real, the thoughts that come to her. He was most likely at home, doing something benign like watching television or flipping through Instagram. It didn't even matter if he was looking at other women, liking pictures or following anyone else. He knows who he wants. The spot below his stomach moves, the twitch visible through his sweatpants. His hand slips under waist band. Her taste. Water and... what did he call it? Cinnamon, liquid cinnamon. She just watches from her bed, sees him stroke, puts his other hand on the curve of the couch, knows what he's pretending it is. She puts her hand around her thigh. Her wetness falls down just on the inside, but she doesn't acknowledge it, just pulls the cover up around her shoulders. And rolls over again. He pulls his dick up, remembers how she put her lips around the tip, licked and kissed.

Xiomara sits up in bed, confused, her face red. No one else could see or know what she was thinking, that was impossible. But what if he was somewhere in his own corner of the city masturbating? Doing the exact things she saw him doing now?

Ok, stop. Stop this.

But it doesn't stop.

Partly because she's still open. Still curious. She starts to feel other things, a surge of bravery. Watches him retrace in his mind where she lives. A visualization of what it would look like for him to go to her place.

Again.

She watches him figure out what to do and how: travel to her apartment on foot. He needs to get the energy out, go for a walk, rehearse what words he would use and say to her in every scenario.

(Somewhere off Roncesvalles. Not Dundas, but some sidestreet... Maybe off Dundas? I could take that streetcar... Or go through the park. Less traffic. Easier to hear my thoughts. Keep calm. Practice what I'm going to say.)

He thinks about stopping somewhere to get coffee.

(When would I do this... A Saturday morning? Sunday again? It feels too poetic, but it feels right too. Okay. A Sunday morning.)

Then, he's in the building, walks in when someone else opens the door. He could risk calling her first, maybe she would open the door automatically, thinking it's someone else trying to get in, but it's better to not take the risk.

(What floor is she on?! I don't even know where her apartment is! Did we go up the elevator? We did. But how many floors... More floors than I would walk up... or? I can't remember. It's got to be the fifth floor. Fifth or sixth. Tamiko or Maxine...? Won't tell me shit. Fuck. Call her downstairs? No. No, I want to have this conversation in private. I need to get into her space. Again.)

It's 802. Apartment 802.

(An apartment by the elevator. Which means it's on the low end of something. The floor is like a six, or an eight or a nine. I'll just go to each floor. Knock on a couple doors until I find her... I'll do it balancing hot coffees.)

Ok, then he finds her, finds her apartment. She's wearing those clothes she wears when she's at home. No bra. No underwear. A pair of shorts. The kind that are cut just at the rise of her hip and over the swell of her ass. She opens the door.

Don't drop the coffees, hot liquid spilling over her feet. She'll jump back, go immediately for the paper towel, but she probably shouldn't turn around... No. He'll pay attention. He'll be able to focus on the conversation they need to have first.

"Coffee?"

(Too casual. She'll say no and try to close the door. No. She'll say thank you, take the coffee, and try to close the door. I'll have to put my foot in the way, maybe my hand. And talk to her through an opening that's a couple inches wide. All I'll be able to see is an eye, side of her nose and lip. A nipple... No, I'll have to be more direct than that.)

"Can I come in? To talk?"

She won't say yes, but she'll turn around, leave the door open. Keep eyes up. Follow her inside.

He'll survey the apartment, again, this time in the daylight. It's a comforting space, but he is not permitted to relax here, not now. She'll watches him put the coffee down on the table.

Ah! Can you take off your shoes, please?

He's a little eager, but that's good. That's what he's supposed to be. She stands, expects him to say something brief and leave right away but he takes a seat at the kitchen table. If everything had worked out right, they would be eating and drinking there, smoking a joint.

Maybe one night she'd pull out a chair and straddle him until he picks her up and takes her to the couch. Or the bedroom. Instead they were here, this deep gulf between them. Is it possible for her to hide what she's been feeling if she can feel all of this inside him? He may know. But it's not going to matter. What he'll know, is that this is part of his work. How she feels doesn't matter if he doesn't meet her where he needs to meet her.

(What do I need to do. Tell me what I need to do—)

She takes a sip. That's how he will know she saw all of this with him. That's how he will know there is nothing to hide.

And then, the fantasy collapses. As soon as it rose up inside of her, between them, the whole thing comes tumbling down. A rewind happens, the coffees are back in his hand, he's out the door, back in the coffee shop, back home on the Sunday morning, getting ready to go to the gym instead of going to see her.

(This is too hard, I'm too open to rejection, to being hurt. She'll call the police. Accuse me of stalking her. I'm going crazy. This can't happen. I want to be the man I was before meeting her. I was free. No women, no one distracting me. Fucking hate this. I don't want to be here, where I am in my mind and in my heart. She probably has a line-up of men, going from her door, down her apartment, out into the street, who just want the chance to eat her pussy and wouldn't FUCK it up like I did.)

And she's out. The vision is back on her. She could encourage him in this moment, tell him that it's okay, that she will be open, won't throw him out of her apartment building like a stranger, welcome the coffee. But he has to take the chance. She can't do that for him. The old part of her, the one she's been working on day-to-day, that part of her wants to text him, reach out so he knows he has a soft place to come to when he's ready. But that old part of her isn't so strong anymore.

She knows deep in her being that she doesn't need to do anything.

Her only job is to focus on herself, keep improving, keep making herself happy, keep creating a secure, loving space within herself, call the therapist. If he does what he needs to do, that will be on him. Not on her. She'll meet someone else, fall in love again, find what she's looking for in all kinds of places. Without him.

## A SECOND DATE WITH PEYTON

Tamiko is better with her self-talk when the second date with Peyton comes around. She's less nervous. Her heart stays where it's supposed to be, ribs sit comfortably instead of squeezing up against her stomach and flesh. It's not a short date this time. They've agreed to meet at a movie theatre to check out a new documentary about Eartha Kitt's life. He was the one who suggested they go, and she was impressed, but Dr. Rosalyn's coaching has helped her to question her feelings more. So she doesn't let being impressed be a distraction.

Two hours pass, the popcorn and drinks are finished, they walk out of the theatre, stunned at what they've seen.

"The director... Really... Went there." Peyton says.

Tamiko nods.

"So... What do you think?" He asks her. They've been walking around aimlessly for a few minutes, not saying anything but staying close to each other. A couple in no hurry at all.

"I'm more interested in hearing what you think, to be honest." She says.

"It's hard... So much to process... The life she had, how we can look at it and say she's very unfortunate but also very fortunate at the same time."

"Hm..." Tamiko says.

"Depending on what you focus on... But I think more about the people like her who didn't have the slim opportunities she had. So many... There must have been so many people..."

"Yes." She says. "It highlights how in some ways, she was very, very fortunate. In addition to being just as talented."

"There are many black and brown people in this world who just don't get that, especially at that time..."

Tamiko looks over at Peyton. He really said that, those words came out of his mouth. So he had some awareness. She was slightly more impressed. Just slightly.

"What did you think about the stuff she was saying... About love?" He asks.

"Oh, the things about compromise? I guess there's some sense to that, but... I think it depends on what you want. We all make sacrifices... Some people want the relationship and so they compromise on things to get that. The trouble comes in when you're compromising too much."

There's another pause. The street is dark, much quieter than it would be in the afternoon.

"Are you hungry?" He asks as they pass an Indian restaurant.

"Yea, I could eat." She says.

## A NEW MONDAY

It's her first day at YAPR but for Xiomara the day looks the same as it did for the last five years. She gets on the streetcar, cranes her head around the other people and sees two familiar faces, looking for her.

"Yayyy!" She quietly exclaims, out of respect for those trying to nap or starting work. "We're back bitches!"

"That was a long two weeks," Tamiko says, while Maxine gives her a hug.

"Yes, I was starting to believe we'd never see you again."

"Talk about a rollercoaster. It's a good thing YAPR and Tarot offices are close."

"And what if Tarot decides to move?" Maxine asks.

"Well then you guys will have to quit." Xiomara shuffles around to let someone pass by.

"They are actually thinking of moving offices though," Tamiko says.

"Yes... Right in Technii's building." Maxine adds.

"Ohhh, really? Aren't they in the financial district?"

"Yep..."

"Then great! We'll still be on the same streetcar." Xiomara smiles and turns to Maxine. "What, are you thinking of Duke?"

"It has crossed my mind," Maxine says. "Could make for some awkward rides in the elevator."

"Oh don't worry about it... I'm sure you all will... Keep things professional." Xiomara tells her, looking over a pair of sunglasses on her face, referring to what Malcolm said to her when he asked her out. The sting was still there, but being able to laugh about it helps a little.

###

"Xiomara? how's your first day going?"

She's barely had time to get settled in at her desk beside a large window on the second floor of YAPR's Toronto office. There was the welcome breakfast with the team at 9, a prep meeting for a pitch at 9:30, followed by another coffee, a meeting with HR and with YAPR's admin team, a meeting with her own team's admin assistant to schedule introductions with clients, then a few minutes to check email. She loves every minute.

"Great, so far..." She says to Jolene. "But it's still day one."

Jolene laughs. "So you're saying we've got plenty of time to fuck it up? Do you have a couple minutes to chat? We've got some interesting news that has come in..."

Xiomara follows Jolene to the other end of the floor. Jolene leaves the door open and invites Xiomara to sit.

"So we've heard Orchid is looking..."

"Orchid? Really?"

"Yes, you worked with them before, right? At Tarot?"

"Yea, I did, I started as an intern on that account." Xiomara sits back in her chair. This means that they didn't go with Tarot after the merger. It means that if YAPR were going to pitch the client, she would be going up against Karl. Tamiko. Maxine.

And Malcolm.

"What were they like?"

"What were they like?" Xiomara's distracted at her thoughts. "They were pretty great, actually. Easy to work with..."

"But...?"

"Well they were my account, one of Tarot's biggest... To be honest in my last months I don't think they were happy, but that could change with the new BLTarot..." She adds the last point in under her breath, almost to herself.

"Hm. Interesting. So we're planning to go for this... You know we'll be looking to you to help lead, right?"

Xiomara sits up in her chair. "Yea, that's to be expected."

"I mean, you won't be leading it alone, obviously, but since you know this client so well, we'll probably be leaning on your knowledge and experience pretty heavily..."

"Of course..."

Jolene pauses. She gets up to close the door and turns back to face Xiomara.

"I don't want... PR agencies have a reputation, for being tough places to work. That's not the way we do things at YAPR. So I just want to make it clear... When I say 'we', I'm talking about all of us, including you. This isn't a situation where everything is on your shoulders, okay? No one here is going to look at you any differently if Orchid decides to go somewhere else."

"No— I got it. Thank you, though, for... Letting me know."

"Okay. Good. We still have to go for our one-on-one at some point. I'll check with E.J. to find some space in your calendar."

"Yea, sounds good." Xiomara gets up to leave Jolene's office but stops. "Do you know what the deadline is for Orchid?"

"It's ongoing... No deadline. They're just booking meetings with any agency that's interested."

"Oh... That's a new one."

"Right? It'll be interesting, that's for sure."

Back at the desk she notices a new message in her personal inbox from an Orchid email address. It is Neil. The subject shows he's forwarded it from the announcement he got from Tarot PR. Xiomara opens it immediately on her personal phone.

Subject: FW: News about exciting changes at Tarot PR

Hey Xiomara,

We got the news and I wanted to reach out to you, but your email bounced back? Glad to hear the news about BLT and Tarot, sounds exciting!

Neil

-

Xiomara writes back immediately. If Neil is in his email right now, it is better to respond quickly and catch his eye. At the last second she copies her YAPR email address in.

Subject: RE: FW: News about exciting changes at Tarot PR

Hey Neil!

I actually left Tarot PR a couple weeks ago. Right around when the announcement was made. I'm at YAPR now, and yes, I did get the news about Orchid. Thanks for reaching out.

Xio

\-

This is big. Orchid is technically still Tarot's client, but now that the merger is happening, that huge client is taking the opportunity to explore. Xiomara goes back to reviewing a brief for another client when a response comes back from Neil, this time to her new YAPR email address.

Subject: RE:...

Ah, that is great news!

We should meet up to chat. Actually meant to have a conversation with your team about the Tarot PR work. While we got some great results, to be honest we weren't really happy with the overall direction. Probably better for us to talk in person, but congratulations on the new role! YAPR is a great place to be.

Neil

-

Xio: So I guess we're going to have to put a hold on lunches?

She puts the phone down and goes back to the day's to-do list, checks the phone again after five minutes, a little anxious to hear back from either Tamiko or Maxine.

Karl was probably talking to both of them in her office, making some kind of demand that they limit what they talk to her about and how much now that YAPR and the new BLTarot were going for the same client.

This shouldn't be a wedge in their friendship, but the three of them have never been through something like this before. Sure, there were minor things here and there, times when one of them got promoted while the other two had also gone for the same promotion, chances to pitch new clients, competing ideas, but they'd learned to keep business separate from their relationships. At least she thought so.

She picks up the phone, now eight minutes had passed but the group chat showed that neither of them had seen Xiomara's message.

Today she has a late lunch with Patty. It's short, 45 minutes at a darkly lit restaurant in a building nearby. She's been instructed by Patty's assistant, Charlie, to arrive at the restaurant on time and what to order in case her boss' boss' boss is late.

"I hope Charlie didn't put you off of meeting with me," Patty says as she takes a seat at their table. "He just likes to keep me on schedule. All that stuff about ordering beforehand is more for him than it is for me."

"Yes, I figured that," Xiomara responds. Patty chuckles.

Once the lunch is over and Patty runs off to her next meeting, Xiomara looks at her phone again. She could feel it against the leg of the chair, inside her bag, vibrating in short rhythms and long sequences while she and Patty got to know each other.

To her relief, her friends respond.

Tam: I don't see why? We can still go for lunch, just maybe less... work talk. *grin emoji*

Max: Yea. We know how to... Keep things professional.

## MALCOLM TRIES AGAIN

Xiomara's finishing a book when her phone rings. A private number. She answers, silence on the other end.

"Hey... It's Malcolm..."

She puts the book down, sits up on the couch.

"When did you get a private number?"

"Oh, I... changed numbers... Got rid of that flip phone."

He inhales sharply.

"So... there's still an issue, with... Us... We're in a bad spot and I want to make things right again. I want to see if we can... move some things around, maybe make it better for both of us?"

"What?"

"Fuck," he whispers. "This isn't working, is it? I actually contacted the people who own the exhibition space Revel was in... I was going to see if you would meet me there now, tonight maybe. But they said no."

Ohhh... She remembers the phone call the night before Revel. It felt like that was a year ago.

"Besides, that would be too much trouble." He continues. "I just want to meet up, talk, really. Sorry for... Trying to be cute about it."

"Right now?"

"Well... Yea, the event is tomorrow."

Xiomara sighs, with a 'ha'. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"How about, if you don't have to go far... I can... Come to your neighbourhood."

"Ah... I don't know, I kind of wanted to settle in for the—"

"I'm downstairs."

Another phone call comes in, this time the building's front door. She watches her device and considers declining the call for a moment, but accepts it. Presses nine.

###

"Can I come in?" One hand with a large coffee goes to her. A strap over his shoulder.

"Hold on a second." She turns, goes back into her bedroom to get a robe leaving the door open an inch.

It didn't... It's not exact, but the coffee.

Here in the middle of the day.

On a Sunday.

He doesn't go past the door threshold until she comes back, opens it wider.

"Come in..."

Arms nearly touch, her face passes within inches of his shoulder and neck. He's close enough to do anything to her right now. She takes both cups and walks them over to the kitchen table.

"How've you been?" She asks him. The silence is too loud. There's relief in the room that she didn't turn him away, a gesture as small as taking two coffees inside.

"I've... I've been okay. You?"

"I've been good. You really shouldn't be here. You know that, right?" She says. "Do I have to tell you about Orchid?"

She watches as he takes it all in, the apartment. He pauses, checks in at this moment, because once the words leave his mouth he won't be able to take them back. Starts by taking off his shoes and walks in. Low lighting, the light in the sky looks almost exactly like it did when they first met months ago. She turns the kitchen light on to see better. It brings his attention back to what he's here for.

"I think about you. A lot. That's how I've been these last couple months."

She picks up a cup, takes a sip. Black. She likes it a little sweet and with a little milk. She goes to the cupboard to get honey and the fridge for milk. Doesn't bother to ask him if he wants any.

"What's that?"

She gestures to the strap over his shoulder. He follows her gaze, as if noticing it for the first time.

"Oh," he smiles shyly, swings it around down from his arm. A rolled up yoga mat. He hands it to her, in a long, black bag.

"Is this from The Collective?"

He nods. She unzips and rolls it out to see prints of Miss Piggy covering both sides of the mat in different poses; in a sash and jewels, in workout wear, modeling, in a bathing suit, putting make-up on. She smiles at first looking at each of the small images.

"This is amazing..." Her smile turns into a grin. "Thank you."

He swallows. Loud. She doesn't seem to be responding at all to what he's said, but he's getting ready to keep going anyway. Might as well.

"I'm here because I want to see if we can make this happen. I want to give us a chance. If there is an us. If you'll say yes."

He watches her roll the mat back up and helps her open the bag so she can put it back inside. She goes to stirring her coffee, her back to him. Doesn't have to say anything, could stand or sit and just drink her coffee while he sweats. The torture builds but he doesn't let it distract him. Heart thumps just under his chest, she can tell by the way he breathes. The room seems to spin and swerve, he must sit down, but remains focused on her.

"I wasn't enough of a man to be honest with you, to look you in the face and tell you everything that I needed to say."

"So you left."

"So I left."

"And why are you here? Why now?"

"I had to put that aside, tell you what I needed to tell you. I'm still afraid. You could reject me. But I want to take this risk."

She wears a dress. A t-shirt really, tight. Short. No bra. He won't let his eyes wander down to see if there's that familiar line of a panty or thong hem somewhere near her hip. His hand grips the coffee instead even though his skin burns. Looks at the cup. Takes a gulp and burns his throat, but hides any reaction to the sting.

"I can't say yes or no. I need more than just words. Especially with everything that happened." Xiomara says quietly.

"You said something... That day that we met—"

"What day?"

"That... That Sunday."

"Oh, we met?"

He smiles a little.

"Okay, yes, the day I found you, at Tarot. You said... You asked me if I knew what that did to you, me leaving in the middle of the night... What did I... What did you mean by that?"

"I hate waking up alone. I hate-ed waking up alone. I would stay up the whole night, sometimes, just so I wouldn't have to feel it the next day. It's something I'm working on. I was seeing someone when we met at Revel... He ended up leaving me and I got a little obsessed for a while. I was desperate. Very desperate. It's funny, if I was still... How did you say it? Crying over the ex? None of this..."

She takes another sip. Completely calm in showing him this part of her that he said he wanted to see. He could walk out of her apartment right now if he couldn't take it. She'd finish the coffee and then the book.

"But I moved past that and then... I felt this connection with you and it wasn't anything like my last relationship. Everything you felt about me, I felt about you. I was already getting over him, but meeting you... I have... Had hope again. It was like... A confirmation."

"You're speaking like you've already moved on." He gets up from the table.

"Well— Malcolm, you— how can I be expected to trust you? You traded whatever could happen between us for Karl's trust. And you got what you wanted." He takes a step towards her.

"Now you're here saying you want more from me and a just..." She shrugs, throws her hand in the air. "That's not going to happen in one day!"

Her head goes down, eyes peer at him.

His arms go out, hands turned up.

"Can I?"

"Uh, sure..."

He puts his arms around her, awkwardly bumping her arm and squeezing her against the kitchen counter. It's a hug like a deep breath even though she's off balance with her feet lift slightly off the floor.

"Hold on..." She pulls back to put the cup down, but he takes it out of her hand, looks down into her eyes for a moment before going in to kiss her lips. She pulls back again.

"I didn't mean to... I wasn't thinking about..."

"Stop, Malcolm." She looks away, it's hard with him right up against her but she doesn't push him back. It's awkward, the kitchen counter edge digs into her ass. But the warmth of his body, his breath lightly against her upper lip and nose. It feels right.

"None of that was your fault. I... I made a story out of it. I can take responsibility for that."

"Yes, but what I did was still wrong. There's no excuse." He loosens his grip, pulls away from her so she can have some space. "Thank you for letting me in so we can talk."

"Uh-huh..."

He wants to ask, but needs the words to come out right. So they stand there, Xiomara shifting from one foot to the other as he watches her.

"Can we start over?" He finally gets out.

Her hands and stomach start to tighten and tingle. Her legs shuffle. Deep in her pussy the tingle starts. Not wet. Yet. She pulls further away. Takes a deep breath.

"Do you want me to leave?" He asks.

No. No you don't have to leave. Stay. Hang around, watch some television. Get your dick hard while I finish my reading.

He comes back to put his arms around her again, this time lifting her body from just behind her knees and pulling her up over his head. Until she slides down, the fabric of her dress rubs along his shirt, the front of her pussy, pulls lips up exposing her clit. Their lips meet again. One second passes as their mouths open, tongues slide in and out, past teeth.

His mouth salivates in hers. His dick spasms against her knee. Once. A second time. He swings her body over to the right, off to a door he faintly recognizes as her bedroom. On the bed. The dress is up. They both go at it the same time, her hands to pull his pants down, his hands to pull her shirt up. But she puts her knees on the bed so she can wrap her arms around his neck and pull him in again. His hands go down to cup her ass, a cheek in each hand.

"I don't want you to leave, but you should." She says in his ear.

He pulls her in tighter, greedy with sucking at her lips like he would if he was in between her legs. His hands open, grab again at her ass. This time his fingers inch closer to her vagina and clit.

"I will if you tell me to. But I'll stay outside your door until you let me in." He lets go of her ass and puts his hands up in a surrender. "What I want. I want to show you you can trust me. I want to be in you. Be around you."

"If we do this right now, you know it's not a good idea. And you know it doesn't mean anything."

He doesn't answer.

"You understand, right?... Right?"

Xiomara sits back. Pulls the dress up so he can see how wet she is. Liquid spreads from one inner thigh to the other. He puts his hands down, holds them behind his back and then his knees bend. One leg goes down, then the other, walks forward until his stomach is at the edge of the bed, still holding his hands behind him. Round shoulders pulse under the fabric of his t-shirt. Xiomara sits on the edge of the bed, leans back so she's just at the edge, under his chin. Ass rests on his chest.

"I understand."

* * * * * * *

It means a lot to me to get feedback and reviews on my work. If you liked, loved, or hated this book, please consider leaving a review on Goodreads (or anywhere you like). As a new author, reviews help me understand how others perceive my work. I would genuinely appreciate it if you could take the time to share your thoughts!

## THANK YOU

Thank you to Rina for her advice, feedback and encouragement, and for being on my side. Thank you to my Spirit team.

**Let's Connect**

Twitter: @writedakota

Instagram: @dakotalight

Website: bit.ly/dakotawrites

## NOT A REGULAR WEEK (BOOK TWO SAMPLE)

"Do you trust me?" He asks.

That smug look is what Maxine can't stand, though her heart tugs in the opposite direction. He expects her to say yes, of course. Every other woman he's asked has said yes. That's what that confident smile says. That's what his bravado says. So he assumes, she thinks, that she is not going to say anything differently. His hand is already reaching out for hers. It's rude. It's an assumption. He should ask the question and be looking at her, genuinely wondering what the answer is. But with his hand out like this, empty in the air, he's in danger of being left hanging.

The last woman probably said yes. And where is she now? It should not be important to Maxine. Not now, not in this moment. But the fact that he's here with her and not that other woman means something went wrong.

Was it him?

Did he change his mind suddenly, even though the other woman trusted, thought he was all in?

He said the woman before was more interested in his money than she was in him.

_Never heard that one before_.

Maxine's imaginary eyes rolled when he first told her the story.

And what about the woman before that. The relationship that ended because they 'just didn't love each other'. Was that the truth? Did he ask her that question too, half naked, with this same hand hanging in the air?

_Do you trust me?_

"Well? Do you?" He asks again.

She peers at him, his dark skin and coily, soft hair, tall, lean body. And the dimples, deep dimples that she's sure every woman he smiles at gets lost in. Handsome, black and rich. He has the world in his hands.

_What woman would say no?_

But those other women, what pain are they carrying around because of that short, seemingly innocent question? He probably didn't even ask them. It was all just assumed in the way he put his hand on their lower backs, or kissed the side of their heads at a wedding or some other event where romance was in the air. The suggestion of some promise.

Maxine has fallen for that suggestion before.

"No. I don't." She says finally.

His face falls, just a little, but she continues. "And I don't know if I'll ever trust you. If this..." Maxine waves her hand between herself and Isaiah Mayowa's naked chest. "Goes any further."

His eyebrows go up, in part surprise, part amusement.

"Are you used to getting a different answer?" She asks.

He clears his throat. "Yea, I wasn't expecting that."

Maxine shrugs. "I have trust issues. You might as well know."

Her eyes float behind him, to bobbing heads of people going in and out of the light blue water. A heavy mist in the air. He steps down backwards. Holds his hand out again.

"Ok, so will you trust me just for right now?"

"And this thing... It, like, kills germs?"

"You don't have to worry about germs!" He says. "If you get sick, I'll get sick."

She looks behind him again.

_Fuck it._

Instead of answering the question, she puts her hand in his. They step into the water together. The ground is not slippery, the water lukewarm.

A couple walks past them, two women. One dives in up to her neck while the second steps in more carefully. They chatter to each other in a language Maxine doesn't understand.

Over to their left, chess games are being played by couples and groups in the pool. Mostly everyone swims around, talks to each other, soaks.

"What did you say this... thing is made of?" She finally coughs, unable to hold in her reaction to the smell any longer.

"Sulphates, fluoride, magnesium... You gotta let it all sink in."

"Well at least all of that probably kills the pee. So this is like, swimming in an edible?"

Isaiah laughs loudly, a few people near them turn to look, a little curious of the only black couple here, in a thermal bath in Budapest.

Maxine's attention stays on him, a change in his mood. He lets go of her hand, swims over to something that looks like a platform and takes a seat. Smiles at her in that sad way he has, one side of his mouth curving up, eyes squint. Maxine follows his lead and sits beside him.

"How did you discover this... thing anyway?"

"My stepdad introduced me to it. Back when I was pretty low," he says. "They just helped me feel well."

"How do you feel now?" She asks.

He shrugs. "Good. Calm." He reaches away from her to put his arm up on the other side of the platform.

"You're not mad about the trust thing?" A ripple goes by Maxine's leg. Her neck snaps to look down and she jumps but there's nothing there. The thing she thought was touching her was someone swimming past, they'd nearly brushed her leg with their foot. Seeing her react, Isaiah puts both of his arms around her, grabs her leg with his left hand and his own arm with his right. She startles again but only for a split second, knowing the arms around her are familiar.

"You're safe," he says. "You're safe with me."

###

"Alright, we should go," Isaiah says after half an hour passes. He looks at a clock at the west side of the pool.

"So soon? I was just getting used to it," Maxine tells him.

He follows her out of the water and finds their robes hanging by where they stepped into the pool.

"Alright, Mr. Moyawa. What's next?" She asks him.

"We're flying to the States."

"The _United_ States?!"

"Yes... "

"What are we-- Why--"

"I have a little cottage out there, a nice place for us to spend the night. And don't worry," Isaiah walks Maxine to the women's changing room door. "I'll have you at work Monday. On time."

"O _kay_! " She turns with a smile to enter the room but Isaiah has his hand around her arm.

"Hold on a second--" He pulls her in. She waits a split second, leans in for a kiss.

"Mmm," she says as their lips part. "You make sulphur taste good."

###

It's a half hour drive from the spa to the airport, where his plane is being refuelled and prepped for a thirteen-hour flight.

"You ready?" Isaiah asks her after the seat belt light turns on.

She looks over at him from across the aisle with a smile. "Oh, I'm ready."

"Why do you sit so far away from me?" He asks the question as a sentence.

She looks to the seatbelt light, unbuckles her belt quickly, runs across the aisle to sit and quickly re-buckles in. "If this plane tips over, I'm blaming you."

They talk about the day while the plane gets ready to take off; the pastries they ate, parks they walked through, a purse Isaiah tried to buy her. They raise their voices until the engine is too loud for them to hear each other and they pause the conversation until they're in the air.

"You must trust me," he says. The seat belt light turns off. "Even just a little..."

Maxine opens her mouth to respond, but one of the flight attendants walks towards them with wide footsteps. Her voice comes out barely above a whisper. They order snacks and coffee.

"You trust that I will have you at work on Monday." He continues.

Maxine's eyebrows go up and she nods. "You're right about that. I guess, I do trust you a little." She says. "But... Next weekend you could be asking some other girl if she trusts you, on some ski mountain in Colorado."

"I see. So you trust me enough to give me a weekend, but not your heart."

"Do you trust me that way?" She asks him

He looks out the window, down to the clouds and earth below. "If I didn't, we wouldn't be here right now."

###

Maxine has to check herself before they pull up to Isaiah's cabin in a remote part of New Jersey. The only light a small glowing point hanging above the front door.

That morning they were in Budapest, soaking in a bath with a bunch of other strangers, a place Maxine never knew about much less could have imagined herself.

One private plane ride later, and she is walking behind him up to a small cabin surrounded by trees and darkness. Still one state line and a country border away from where she had to be in less than 24 hours.

"I cannot believe I'm here right now," she says out loud to Isaiah's back as he unlocks the cabin. "Where are we, exactly?"

"Technically we're close to a place called Bass River."

In the entryway, a table is along one wall, chopped wood on the opposite. She follows his lead, taking her shoes off, expecting the grey concrete floor to be cold but it isn't. He takes off his jacket, then takes her jacket and hangs them up in an open closet.

"Seems they don't get cell service out here in Bass River..." She says under her breath.

Isaiah laughs. "I like that you're not getting cell service."

Bags of groceries they purchased in town are placed on the counter. He walks over to where Maxine stands by an island in the kitchen, still trying to get a signal, and kisses her gently on the neck.

"Gonna get in the shower... Do you mind unpacking the groceries?" She looks up at him, aware that she should be in the moment. She throws the cell phone towards a carpet, and leans up to catch his lips before he walks away.

"Oh, absolutely."

She gets busy with doing what he's asked. Water runs in the bathroom and she looks around, opens some drawers, pulls a book on mindfulness and meditation down from a shelf.

She's flipping through the second chapter when he asks: "What do you want for dinner?"

"The salmon looks good... Do you have a towel I can use?"

He leads her to a linen closet off the bathroom and shows her how to use the shower. Half an hour later she comes out to dinner, steam coming off two plates, and Isaiah by the fireplace laying kindling and wood down. She watches him start a fire.

"So... No TV...?" She asks him while they eat.

"Yep," he says, taking a sip of whiskey. "That is on purpose."

They sit quietly in front of the fire after dinner, watch the flames. Every once in a while ice cubes in his glass clink against the edge.

Time seems to disappear until he gets up and takes a large, soft blanket from a basket beside a fireplace. Maxine watches him spread it on the ground, make sure there are no lumps in places and pull out each corner. She takes a sip of his drink and when she puts it down, he reaches out for her hand.

"You know how long I've been waiting to eat your pussy?" He asks her as their lips meet.

###

It's five a.m.

The alarm starts, quietly at first.

Maxine is up, tries to sneak out of the bed to not wake him but his eyes open as soon as her feet meet the ground. He looks over to his phone, flips it to face him.

"Shit."

Maxine is already in the bathroom, brushing her teeth and fighting to get Isaiah's t-shirt off.

His phone chimes.

"The car is here," he says as she rinses.

She finds her clothes from yesterday hanging in the bathroom. Pulls them on with the shirt inside out. Runs to put on her shoes. Ray close behind her. Her bag hangs over the back of one of the bar chairs in the kitchen. She picks it up, looks frantically inside for the phone. Not on the counter. Not on the table by the front door. Not on the side tables by the bed. She goes to the bathroom. Stands still for a moment trying to remember... Then rushes to the living room but Isaiah stands by the couch, just picking up the phone she'd thrown over her shoulder the night before.

"You ready?"

"Yea, let's go," he says. The bowl on the front table clatters as he grabs keys. They're outside, he turns to lock door and they run towards a waiting car.

"We've got 15 minutes, sir."

"Yes, thank you Archer." The driver puts the car in drive and peels away from the cabin. In the backseat Isaiah's hand goes down in between Maxine's legs, they turn and start making out while Archer drives as fast as he legally can towards the airport.

At the gate passports are checked. Agents ask them questions about where they've been and where they're going. Isaiah answers with a relaxed look on his face, a kindly smile. In a couple minutes, the driver drops them off right at the foot of the plane's stairway. They run up the steps and into the plane's cabin.

"Good morning, Mr. Mayowa!"

"Sorry for the delay, Banks." Isaiah says to the pilot. "We're ready." They buckle in again, this time Maxine sitting across from him.

"How long will this flight be?"

He checks his phone for the time. "Just over an hour and a half... We should be there just after 7:30. Plenty of time."

"Ha!"

When the seatbelt light turns off, Maxine gets up to close the curtain and block the pilot bay from the rest of the plane. Isaiah is already out of his seat. They pick up where they left off in the car, but can't get very far. Isaiah's face is under Maxine's shirt when the light comes back on.

They get back in their seats for the landing.

"I'll just get an Uber from the airport," she tells him when they land at Billy Bishop airport in Toronto. "You don't have to—"

"Already got a car."

Isaiah and Maxine rush through the underground tunnel to Billy Bishop's drop off and pick up where another car waits. The ride should take twenty minutes, but there's traffic.

The car inches forward through the airport gates. Isaiah puts his arm up behind Maxine's head. She looks over at him and slides down in her seat, fits right in his side. A buzz comes from his right pocket once, then twice. He reaches to pull the phone out of his pocket, looks at the display and declines the call.

"You want to ask me if I trust you again?" Maxine says under her breath.

"This?" Isaiah pulls out the phone and points it to her.

"Really? Declining a phone call? "

"Okay, you want to know who that was?" Isaiah doesn't give Maxine a chance to answer. "It was my mother. We're having a little... dispute right now. I'd tell you, but now is not the time to get into it."

"Fair enough," Maxine says quietly. She rests into his body, unsure if she should go back to the other side of the car, but he pulls her in for a kiss on the forehead.

"I'm not upset," he says. "You are right, that was a little suspect."

She's got this car ride to catch up on work before the Monday morning meeting at BLTarot. Maxine opens the company knowledge base app, Motions, and starts reviewing notes. The car turns right from Spadina on to King Street. They're still fifteen minutes from the office. She straightens her jeans and shirt, tries to put her curls in order.

"You look gorgeous..."

"You sure I don't look like I've been in a community pool this weekend?"

They're both aware now that they only have minutes left together.

"When am I going to see you again?" He asks.

"We've got that party Peyton's having this weekend..." She says.

"I'm going to need to see you sooner than that." The building is half a block ahead. "And... Peyton?"

" Tamiko's guy."

"Ah."

The car pulls up in front of a large, black building by King and Bay street. She's already starting to miss his presence.

"We'll talk," she tells him. "I can see you some time this week, you know I'm free."

She plants a kiss on Isaiah's cheek, before he exits the car to hold the door open for her. Another kiss and she rushes into the building with the rest of the Monday morning crowd.

In the lobby she presses the button to call an elevator. Waits.

8:25 a.m.

_If we were in the old office, I'd be in the conference room already!_ She thinks. _This big ass building and everybody in it can go straight to hell!_

Elevator doors open and a group of people start to squeeze in, threatening to leave her behind.

_Oh, absolutely not, I called this elevator, you bunch of assholes._

She squeezes in last. The elevator starts its ascent.

Another time check. 8:28.

Two minutes.

She looks up, the button that says '26' on it hasn't been pressed. She reaches around the bodies, accidentally hitting a phone. "Sorry," she mutters to a man, and pushes the button for BLTarot's floor.

She moves left and right so people can exit. The elevator empties slowly until there are only a few people in the car.

Finally. Doors open on 26.

She rushes out and to the left. White conference room doors are open.

Wait.

No.

One starts to slide closed. She can hear chattering voices from inside. She strides, using the full length of her leg, goes to a short jog.

The edge of the door brushes her shoulder.

_IN!_

Karl jumps back from the door frame and stops just enough to let Maxine in. "Cutting it close." She says.

Maxine shoots her a short smile and sits on a couch at the back of the room, all of the seats around the boardroom table being taken.

"Good Monday everyone," Karl starts. She sits at one end of the table, one half of the owner and CEO team at the company. Across from her sits Selma, BLTarot's other owner and CEO. "Any viral moments?"

Everyone knows what she's asking for; news about new viral memes or moments making the rounds online, specifically created by the BLTarot team.

"There was something I saw over the weekend," Ray, part of the swag team says. "About a guy putting a perm in his beard? Face Off was mentioned, so..." He trails off while people around the table look away.

"Were we responsible for that?" Karl asks Brionna, the account manager, and the person in charge of getting viral moments for Face Off Cosmetics.

"Uh, we are..." Brionna says, clearly nervous. "We were responsible for that, but--"

"I didn't see anything about it," Karl interrupts.

"Yea, it didn't really go viral..." Brionna adds.

"Ok. Just to be clear, I'm asking about the big viral moments, or moments that will become big. Success for us and our clients is being on the news, Wendy Williams, moments everyone is talking about. Millions of clicks and views. Think... blackface-on-Halloween-big. I mean, it really doesn't work for us to have your team create hats and sweatshirts and t-shirts for things that _don't_ make a big splash."

Ray raises his eyebrows and nods. "Okay. Fair enough." He says.

"Maxine?" Karl turns her attention away from Ray. "Anything?"

"Uh, not from me?" Maxine still slightly huffs and puffs from running into the room.

"I'll go ahead with general updates," Tamiko speaks up. Heads turn to a beautiful, dark-skinned woman with the commanding voice. Maxine looks over to her and mouths _thank you_.

"So, no viral moments, but we have signed on a new client! 819! We will be their agency of record this year."

"That is great news!" Karl adds as a cheer goes around the room.

"Sugar, Asia and Brionna helped to make this happen, so--" Tamiko looks at the three BLTarot employees and starts a second round of applause for them, the other members of the pitch team.

"819 is a music festival, right? That one with all the lil rappers?" Selma asks.

"Yes." Tamiko says over a few chuckles. "I'm pretty sure they're our first music festival client--"

"That is excellent Tamiko, we do a good job with this and can land similar clients," Karl says.

"Malcolm?" Selma speaks up "You got anything new on the swag front?"

Everyone in the room turns to a tall, light brown-skinned man with dreads just past his shoulders and leaned back in his chair. He flips back in his notes, pauses a moment before speaking.

"We're okay to put more in the pipeline, if that's what you're asking." He says. "We're doing the same stuff. Flip flops, balls, backpacks, more water bottles... Which is something I wanted to bring up." He pauses. "We wanted to get away from doing this... Stuff--"

Karl sighs from her end of the table. "Is that something directed at us?" She says with a tight smile.

"We work for the same company, Karl." He responds. His voice more even toned than usual. "' _Us_ ' is all of us. But to your point, I wonder if we can do a better job of pitching more innovative swag ideas to clients. That was the whole reason BLT and Tarot PR merged in the first place, so we could work better together."

"Yes, of course, Malcolm. Thank you for bringing that up. Selma do you have anything else?"

Selma looks from Malcolm to Karl. "Nothing from me."

"Alright--"

"Hey, what happened with Orchid?" A newer employee asks, Warren. His question sucks the air out of the room.

"Oh my God," Tamiko says under her breath.

Karl looks over at Warren. Her straight face frozen until her eyes squint slightly.

" _What happened with Orchid?_ " She mocks his question and pauses. "Warren, you are new, so I'll forgive you that... Question. But in case you or anyone else is unclear--"

"Karl--" Malcolm starts.

"No, no, Malcolm. This is important. Everyone in the room should know what happened with Orchid."

She turns back to Warren, then scans the faces around the table. "Back when Tarot PR and BLT were two separate companies, Orchid was our-- Orchid was _Tarot PR_ 's biggest client. When BLT and Tarot PR merged, as many of you know, someone named Xiomara..." Karl looks to the side and to the ground. "Who _used to work_ at Tarot decided to go work somewhere else. And Orchid... Also decided to explore their options -- which is totally fair. The problem is, Xiomara went to another agency and Orchid went with her." The last sentence comes out as one word.

"So, to recap. We don't ever need to talk about Orchid, or that person ever again. That chapter in our history is closed."

Malcolm audibly sighs and rolls his eyes.

"Everyone clear?" Karl ignores him. "Anything else? "

No one responds. She gets up to leave the table without saying another word, the rest of the room follows silently when it's clear the meeting is over. Malcolm starts to make his way over to her, but a ringtone starts. Karl looks down, nods at him as she answers the phone call.

"You're still coming to lunch today, right?" Maxine asks Tamiko when they have a chance to get close.

"Of course," Tamiko says. "You look... Did you get botox?!"

"No!" Maxine says. "The hell! No, I'll tell you at lunch. Do I... Do I smell?" Maxine whispers.

Behind them, Karl's voice raises: "Yes! _Yes_! I'm a woman named Karl. And no, my parents did not forget an 'a'..."

Tamiko and Maxine stifle giggles as they exit the boardroom.

" _No, my parents did not forget an 'a',_ " Tamiko exaggerates Karl's slight English accent once they're out of earshot.

Tamiko leans in towards Maxine slowly, herself smelling of Shea butter and oranges. She sniffs twice. "You don't smell any worse than usual," she says.

"Should I get deodorant?" Maxine asks.

"No, you're fine..."

"I was soaking in salt this weekend."

"Ugh." Tamiko turns and starts to walk away. "Girl, I don't wanna hear about your sweaty sex life at the office."

As soon as Maxine takes her seat, she opens a browser, types 'I' into a search bar. 'saiah Moyawa' promptly autocompletes in the box. Her searching patterns have been memorized. The browser knows what she wants to see. The results on the first page have all been clicked already. Same with the second page of search results, and the third.

Every time her feelings deepen, she goes a little deeper with the research.

This time she clicks on a fresh page four, ready to find something different. Information she can use. But all of the results are just repeats of what she's seen on the first three pages.

Now she tries searching for his family, 'Isaiah Moyawa' and 'mother', then 'father', then 'family'.

Nothing. Updates about acquisitions and executive level changes and quarterly earnings releases.

He'd told her the basics, quickly covering his father's alcoholism, a 'troubled childhood, then a divorce, and the settlement that changed the lives of his family forever. His mother getting married a second time, to a man with even more money than the first.

The information she's looking for, she will not find online. That type of information is the kind a family like his can keep offline. She closes the browser, goes back to answering an email that came in over the weekend from a client.

###

Maxine and Tamiko get a notification in the group chat while Maxine waits to collect her lunch.

Xio: _Heading to patio, where are y'all._

Tam: _There in two minutes._

Maxine collects forks and napkins for the group. They go up escalators to the main lobby, open the doors to a blast of heat and bright sunshine outside. Sunglasses come out. They walk up to the patio they'd agreed to meet Xiomara at just as she's taking a seat.

"So what's it like, flying the world on the weekend?" Tamiko asks Maxine once they sit down.

"Don't hate me." She throws a bashful look behind her glasses. "It is fucking great. He has a cottage in some place called Salmon River?"

"You mean Bass River? Like, in New Jersey? In 'Merica?!" Xiomara asks.

"Yes."

"Holy shit."

"Does he have any brothers... Single friends?" Tamiko asks.

"Oh, he has friends!" Maxine sticks her tongue out and licks the air. "We went from Budapest, to New Jersey to Toronto. Landed at, like eight, drove straight to the office from the airport."

"Oh, wow!" Tamiko covers her chewing with a hand, surprised. "So that's why you barely made it in this morning."

"I don't miss those Monday meetings, but I fucking love your life." Xiomara says to Maxine, taking a bite out of a slice of pizza.

"It was nice. We went to a museum, he tried to buy me a purse, we walked through a nice park. I was living my Caucasian fantasy. _Living_. He took me to this thermal bath? This pool with all these chemicals and science in it... And... He asked me if I trust him."

"Oop! Getting deep!" Xiomara says.

"What did you say?" Tamiko asks.

"You know what I just realized?" Maxine quickly detours the subject. "We haven't had lunch in months! Remember at Tarot we'd have lunch, like, four times a week?"

"Well we'd probably still be having lunch at that rooftop. Our careers are completely different now." Tamiko says, she bites into a tortilla chip loaded with salsa.

"Yes... _Thanks, Malcolm!_ " Xiomara cries to the air around them. Maxine and Tamiko chuckle.

"Is this the first time we've had lunch since the merger?"

"No... Is it?" Tamiko asks in disbelief. "Definitely the first since Tarot moved."

"Ah yes, definitely since the move..." Maxine says, looking over at Xiomara. "Speaking of... Mergers... Your name came up in the meeting this morning..."

"Me?! _My_ name?" Xiomara's hand goes to her chest in shock.

"Oh, yes..." Tamiko says. "Warren... A new guy... Asked about Orchid."

"I thought Karl was going take off her belt." Maxine says under her breath. A giggle starts deep in Tamiko's throat.

"She gave a whole rundown of what happened," Maxine says. "Except for the... Malcolm bits..."

"Oh yea, I bet!"

"Yea, he was squirming a little." Maxine shares.

"Then at the end," Tamiko gets out, still fighting off the giggles. "She tells everyone that we are to never to mention _those_ names again."

"You know what, I can understand," Xiomara says. "Orchid being who they were and me being an ex-employee, but... What am I saying, this is Karl we're talking about. _Karl_."

Tamiko lets out a yelp of laughter. "Then, at the end of the meeting, someone calls her and she's all telling them how she is a _woman_ named _Karl_! Max -- what was it she said at the end?"

" _No, my parents did not forget an 'a'!_ "

Now the fit of giggles transfers over to Xiomara and Maxine.

"I love how dramatic Karl gets." Tamiko says, wiping light tears away from the corners of her eyes. "You guys are coming to Peyton's thing next weekend, right?"

"Oh, it's next weekend? Isa said he'll meet us there." Maxine says.

"Nice... Yep, next weekend." Tamiko says. Silence comes over the table as she and Maxine look over at Xiomara, who pretends not to notice them staring at her.

"So..." Tamiko clears her throat, prepares to approach the subject of Xiomara and Malcolm's situation. "Should I ask Malcolm if he's--"

"Nope." Xiomara stops the question before Tamiko can finish. "I mean, if you want to invite him, fine, but don't on my account. I mean, yea, we're probably going to see each other afterwards, but don't do nothing for me."

"Okay!" Tamiko goes back to her burrito bowl. "So I wasn't in Budapest or anything this weekend, but... I did meet Peyton's parents."

"Whaaat!" Maxine exclaims in a high-pitched voice.

"Mmm-hm!" Tamiko says. "First black girl he's ever introduced to his folks."

"Ok, what was _that_ like." Xiomara puts the last of her second slice down to fully listen in.

"It wasn't bad, actually. I don't think they gave a shit. We smoked a joint. He said they loved me..."

"Okay? But?"

"But now... I have to introduce him to _my_ dad."

Xiomara and Maxine inhale air sharply through the sides of their teeth.

"Exactly."

"Have you told him? About your dad?" Maxine asks.

"Honestly, no. I didn't want to scare him off... But that might be a good idea, send him a little warning."

"I still remember what your dad said to me when we met, Professor Spencer. _I'm sure you're lovely, Xiomara. But be careful working for those people_."

Tamiko shakes her head. "And that was him being kind. You know, I hoped he would have calmed down over the years, but nope. If anything, he's more militant now than ever."

"Yea, maybe your dad needs a warning about Peyton too." Maxine suggests.

###

It's a short commute home at the end of the day. Maxine slides her key into the lock of her apartment door. The familiar jingle of Nicodemus' dog collar starts immediately. Based on its volume she can tell he must have been in the bedroom.

"I hope you weren't on the bed, where you don't belong!" She tells him as he runs up, tongue hanging out, tail in the air.

She grabs a snack, changes clothes, and secures his collar before they head outside for his walk.

Nicodemus runs in the direction of the mailbox as soon as the elevator doors open on the ground floor.

"Yea, Nico you know your owner well."

The 512 mailbox is grey and empty inside. She re-locks it with a sigh.

When she saw the notice about the artist residency in her email, her first instinct was to ignore it. These types of opportunities either wanted artists with more experience, or artists under 30. But then she actually read the qualifications:

_Specifically created for visual artists over the age of 25 who lack the social capital and connections to pursue a career in the arts._

That was her.

That was her to a capital T.

Then Leo Charles, the owner of Zaldsans artist studios, where she'd been working on her art for over a year, forwarded her the same notice about the residency and she took that as a sign.

She stayed up nearly the whole weeknight looking through her work to find the pieces she would send and preparing the application.

She chose her Diamond piece, inspired by her friends and the day Karl announced Tarot PR would be merging with BLT. Her Fracture and Copyright art pieces also made the cut.

It was hell at BLTarot the next day, but worth it. Leo happily submitted a letter of recommendation. He was the closest person she had to a mentor and a teacher, even though he'd only seen her work twice and was never around the studio when she was there. It was the rare time she asked for something — anything related to her art. So she didn't take this favour lightly.

If Crestfell declined her application how many retreats would there be like this one? How many times could she go back to Leo and ask for his recommendation? Being a professional artist was like learning a new language. These were the types of questions she didn't have the answers to.

The other artists at Zaldsans kept her at a safe distance. She didn't struggle for her craft in the same way they did. Once they knew she worked a full-time corporate job, and one in _public relations_ , God forbid, it seemed like they were quick to categorize her as a 'hobbyist'. Leo told her as much at last year's annual studio anniversary party.

This retreat would be a chance to build her network of support beyond Leo, get critical feedback on her art and have the space to work uninterrupted and completely focused.

And this is the last week to hear from the Crestfell on their decision.

"Four more days." She says to Nicodemus. "By next Monday, I'll know if Crestfell is going to change my life."

Outside in the afternoon air, Nicodemus' attention immediately goes to a pigeon that lands in front of them to hustle a piece of bread on the ground.

"Stop it." She pulls his collar back firmly, enough for a warning. They turn the corner down Lakeshore Avenue. Straight ahead is the water. In the opposite direction, Zaldsans. She could go to the studio now, finish up a new piece, but it was almost better not to.

"I don't know, little buddy," she says to the dog's wagging tail. "I go to the studio now, start working, lose a good five hours, come home, hungry and dirty, eat, shower, sleep for a few hours and get up tired to go to work the next morning?"

He turns to look at her as if surprised she's using adult language with him.

"Is it worth it?"

Nicodemus doesn't respond. He's eager to get to the lake where Maxine will take his leash off and he can roll his back around in uncut grass.

"Nicodemus."

She stops. He turns around and watches her, sits down in case this is an impromptu training session.

"Should I go to the studio and work on my art or just go home?"

He whines and puts his head down on the ground, disappointed at hearing the word 'home'.

"Ugh, never mind." She starts walking back towards the lake. He gets up with enthusiasm back in his tail.

They get to the lake in a few minutes. Maxine struggles to hold on to the dog so she can remove his collar and set him free. After a moment she takes her attention off of Nicodemus rolling around to stare at the water and think.

Maybe Crestfell was sending notices via email, or some other system that she wasn't aware of. She unlocks her phone, searches for an email address she can send questions to.

**Subject** : _Crestfell notifications_

_Hello,_

_I applied to attend the residency in August but wanted to confirm if I should expect a notice from your team in the mail or via email? Also, if applicants are not accepted, will they be notified?_

_Thanks,_

_Maxine Taylor_

_-_

Send.

When she looks up from her phone, Nicodemus is chasing more pigeons in the grass, nearly catching one in his mouth.

" _Nicodemus!_ " She gets up to run after the dog. A short chase happens, he thinks this is some kind of game. Finally she gets a hold of him. "Why are you out here pretending you don't get food at home?!" She whispers loudly once he's back on his collar.

###

Thursday morning, Maxine still hasn't heard from Crestfell. She's out of the office for a few minutes, on a brief walk to get coffee when her phone buzzes.

A flash of excitement quickly turns to disappointment. It's not Crestfell. It's a client. A complicated client.

**Subject** : _RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Revel installation ideas_

_I still think about that first night we went out. Not every day, only when I finish :D_

_-_

_Jesus Christ, Duke._ Maxine thinks.

An email message to her work account. Not smart. They'd slept together twice. The first time months ago, after she'd completely fucked things up with the last guy she fell in love with, the last guy who fell victim to her serious trust issues. Angel. The second time was back in December, a couple weeks before she met Isaiah.

After that she let things between her and Duke fizzle out gradually, at least she thought she did.

Then BLTarot decided to make the move to the same building Duke's company, Technii, was located in. She convinced herself it would be fine. They were professionals. Then Duke's ex-fiance left Technii, the company put out a notice that they were looking for a new PR agency, and BLTarot won the account. She continued to convince herself. Still fine.

It was only right that she was assigned to be Duke's agency contact, to working with him on trying to find creative ways to increase Technii's presence through viral marketing.

In office meetings, she and Duke were good at playing professional. Good, not great. Were cordial in meetings. But they had two arguments in front of other employees, real arguments. There was tension there, just enough to be suspicious.

It was in email where he misbehaved, every once in a while getting out of line, like a toddler testing the limits.

_I've got to change the notifications for my work email_ , she thinks, quickly writing a response and hitting send.

**Subject** : _RE:..._

_I have a boyfriend and we shouldn't be sending emails like this on here. Try to keep it professional._

After the weekend she had with Isaiah it feels right to put that 'boyfriend' word in there even though his actual title in her life was a lot more vague. Still. With the way he ate her pussy, never mind the hours and days they spent together, he was _like_ a boyfriend. Boyfriend adjacent. Enough that she could throw that title around whenever necessary.

Another reply comes in from Duke.

**Subject** : _RE:..._

_Boyfriend?! ):_

* * * * * * *

Maxine is available now at major ebook retailers! Visit your preferred platform to continue reading.

