"HONEST HEADLINES."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS FIRST HEADLINE COMES FROM
CNN AND IT READS, "COLORADO
COLLEGE OFFERING A CANNABIS
MAJOR."
THAT'S THE HEADLINE, BUT THE
HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ:
"PUFF PUFF PASS FAIL."
( LAUGHTER )
HERE'S ANOTHER HEADLINE FROM
CNN.
IT READS, "STUDY FINDS THAT
PEOPLE LIE TO SEEM MORE HONEST."
THAT'S THE HEADLINE, BUT THE
HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ
"STUDY FINDS YOU LOOK GREAT IN
THAT SWEATER."
( LAUGHTER )
HERE'S A HEADLINE FROM THE
"NEW YORK POST."
IT READS, "TIGER WALKS RECORD
800 MILES IN SEARCH OF SEX."
THAT'S THE HEADLINE, BUT THE
HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ:
"TIGER BREAKS PREVIOUS RECORD
HELD BY YOUNG JAMES CORDEN."
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HERE'S ANOTHER FROM CNN.
IT READS, "KFC AND CROCS CREATED
A FRIED CHICKEN SHOE."
THAT'S THE HEADLINE, BUT THE
HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ
"PERFECT SHOE DEVELOPED FOR GUY
FIERI."
( LAUGHTER )
HERE'S A HEADLINE FROM
"COSMOPOLITAN."
IT READS, "VIBRATING SEAT TURNS
STATIONARY BIKE INTO SEX TOY."
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S THE HEADLINE, BUT THE
HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ
"SOULCYCLE WAS SOOOOO GOOD
TODAY."
( LAUGHTER )
SOOOOOOO GOOD!
( LAUGHTER )
HERE'S A HEADLINE FROM FOX NEWS.
IT READS, "AMAZON CUSTOMER
ORDERS APPLE WATCH, GETS $5
PLUNGER INSTEAD."
THAT'S THE HEADLINE, BUT THE
HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ
"$5 PLUNGER STILL MORE USEFUL
THAN APPLE WATCH."
( LAUGHTER )
AND FINALLY, HERE'S A HEADLINE
FROM "MIRROR."
IT READS, "TIKTOK TREND: MEN
DIPPING TESTICLES IN SOY SAUCE."
THAT'S THE HEADLINE, BUT THE
HONEST HEADLINE SHOULD'VE READ
"TIKTOK DINGDONG DIMSUM."
BACK WITH MORE OF "THE LATE LATE
SHOW," EVERYBODY!
