-You know, while I was getting
ready for tonight's show,
I had to use the washroom, okay?
And I heard one of the mos
annoying sounds in the world
The door knob rattling.
[ Laughter ]
Followed by a knock.
Why do people knock when the
already know the door's locked
[ Laughter ]
It's not like I'm gonna change
my mind and be like,
"Oh, this must be important.
Come on in."
[ Laughter ]
But seriously, NBC gave me
my own TV show,
but they can't get me
my own private washroom?
[ Laughter ]
I mean, all the other host
get one,
and I'm the only late night host
that can't go pee outside.
Get it together.
Get it together.
Okay, that's what up.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, yes,
before you guys say anything
yes, I call it a washroom.
Shout-out, Canada.
Any Canadians?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay, three of them.
[ Laughter ]
It's not a bathroom becaus
sometimes there's not a bath
It's not a restroom
because I can think of
a million other places
I'd rather rest.
Washroom.
[ Laughter ]
When I was younger, I woul
never use a public washroom.
I'd just hold it in.
But people kept warning me
"You can get a UTI that way.
So now that I'm an adult,
my kidneys are like,
"Hey, we're doing this
in Target with or without you.
The choice is yours."
[ Laughter ]
Women's rooms are disgusting
So you know
men's rooms are worse.
[ Laughter ]
My guy roommates will leav
little droplets of urine
on my washroom floor
on a good day.
So if it's public, I assum
you open a men's room door
and get hit by
a gigantic tsunami of piss
[ Laughter ]
I'm a big supporter of
gender-neutral washrooms.
Not only because
it promotes freedom,
but subconsciously forces me
to shape up
their washroom behavior.
I mean, my hope is that
if we put a tampon dispenser
in every washroom,
it will remind men to be
respectful and aim.
[ Laughter ]
If not, straight up, I'm going
on "Shark Tank" to pitch my idea
for a toilet seat that looks
like a basketball hoop.
[ Laughter ]
You know Mark Cuban's in.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And there's even more we can d
to improve public washrooms.
Like, can we please addres
the door gap in the stalls
[ Laughter ]
Sometimes they're so wide I ca
see people outside the stall
and that means they can see me
[ Laughter ]
It basically guarantees
an awkward moment
where you both lock eyes,
and they're like,
"Is Lilly Singh pooping?"
[ Laughter ]
And then I'm inside like,
"Is Zendaya watching me poop?"
[ Laughter ]
By the way, that really happened
at the Emmys.
Yo, what's up girl? What's up?
[ Laughter ]
Bottom line, I don't need to
make eye contact with someon
while I'm taking care
of business.
What am I, a dog?
[ Laughter ]
And we've got to get
the auto-flush under control
I mean, I enter the stall,
it flushes.
[ Laughter ]
I pull down my pants,
it flushes.
I sit down, it flushes.
Then I wipe, get up,
and the toilet is like, "Hmm."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I've already flushed
three times. I'm good."
And 9 times out of 10, let's b
real, don't lie, y'all,
you get sprayed
with your own pee water.
You do.
[ Laughter ]
She laughed loud. She knows what
I'm talking about.
I'll come back from the washroom
looking like I just got of
Splash Mountain.
[ Laughter ]
Also, there's
an unspoken rule of silenc
when it comes
to public washrooms.
No one wants to be heard
peeing or plopping
or opening pads or tampons
It's like we're all trying t
avoid getting eaten
by the aliens
in "A Quiet Place."
[ Laughter ]
At last when you're sharin
a hotel room with someone,
you can usually, like,
play loud music
or turn the TV up really high.
You can't do that
in a public washroom.
That's why I do what
any normal person does.
I just scream at the top o
my lungs until I'm done.
[ Laughter ]
Just peeing, someone walks in --
[ Screaming ]
[ Laughter ]
Nailed it.
You guys already --
[ Laughs ]
You guys already know
that I never work out.
That is, unless I have to us
a public washroom.
Suddenly I'm in Olympic shape,
doing a 10-minute squat
over the toilet.
[ Grunts ]
But, y'all, even squatting
won't save you
when it comes to porta-potties
Okay?
[ Audience groans ]
That's right. Everything you
touch is covered in germs.
How have we not fixed
porta-potties?
Seriously?
Let's get Elon Musk on it.
[ Laughter ]
If he could shoot
a Tesla into space,
he should be able to
invent a porta-potty
that can shoot feces
to the moon.
I'm just saying.
I'm just saying. Okay?
Just pew!
The most embarrassing
public washroom, of course
is in an airplane.
Because everybody knows
why you're up.
It's not like I can leave
for 10 minutes, sit back down,
lean over to the person
next to me like,
"Yeah, no, sometimes they let me
fly the plane for a little bit."
[ Laughter ]
And then talk about how awkwar
it can be going to the washroo
at the same time
as a girl I'm dating.
But it can be worse
when your date
goes into the washroom
right after you.
[ Audience ohs ]
Especially if it's a one-seater.
On the way out you're just like,
"Oh, fancy seeing you here
By the way,
I don't know who it was,
but someone farted in there.
[ Laughter ]
