>> Stephen: FOLKS, I'M AN
ENTERTAINER BY TRADE, AND I'M
SURE TO A LOT OF YOU OUT THERE,
I'M JUST A PRETTY FACE, A SLAB
OF CAMERA MEAT.
BUT I LIKE TO THINK THAT THERE'S
MORE TO ME THAN THAT.
THAT'S WHAT I THINKY SUCH WITH
MY BRAIN BONE.
YOU SEE, I'M A DEEP PERSON WHO
ENJOYS TOYING WITH PROBLEMS OF
THE UNIVERSE.
BUT I'M NOT IN COLLEGE ANYMORE,
SO I CAN'T HAVE LATE NIGHT BULL
SESSIONS WITH MY BUDS.
INSTEAD, I LIKE TO CONTEMPLATE
THE MYSTERIES OF EXISTENCE WITH
MY FELLOW FAMOUS IN A SEGMENT I
CALL "BIG QUESTIONS WITH EVEN
BIGGER STARS!"
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
AH!
I LOVE LYING HERE ON THIS GRASSY
HILLSIDE.
SO PEACEFUL, ISN'T IT, TOM?
>> SURE IS, STEPHEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> LOOK!
>> Stephen: I SAW THE SHOOTING
STAR!
>> YEAH, GOSH, YEAH.
IT IS SUCH A NICE NIGHT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THE FIREFLIES
ARE OUT.
>> THE FROGS ARE SCREAMING FOR
SEX.
>> Stephen: HEY TOM?
>> YEAH, STEVE.
>> WHY DO YOU THINK BAD THINGS
HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
BUT MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE GOD'S
REALLY OLD AND HIS EYES ARE
GOING.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: NO, I CAN'T SEE
WHO HE'S SMITING.
>> TRUE.
>> Stephen: TOM?
>> YEAH?
>> Stephen: WHAT WOULD DO YOU
WITH A TOIM MACHINE?
>> WHAT WOULD ANYONE DO WITH A
TIME MACHINE?
GO BACK IN TIME AND HOLD MYSELF
AS A BABY.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: AND KILL HITLER,
RIGHT?
>> OH, KILL HITLER, YEAH,
ABSOLUTELY.
>> OR LET THE BABY KILL HITLER.
>> WELL, THAT WAY THEY CAN'T
TRACE IT BACK TO YOU.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> AND IT GIVES THE BABY A GOOD
SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THAT WOULD LOOK
GOOD ON A RESUME.
"JOB EXPERIENCE: TIME-TRAVELLER.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
HITLER-KILLING."
>> WHO WOULDN'T HIRE THAT KID.
>> Stephen: I WOULD.
>> I'D HIRE THAT KID IN A
SECOND.
INTERNSHIP, MAYBE.
HEY, HITLER-KILLING PAEB, GO GET
ME A COFFEE AND WASH MY CAR
STEVE STEVE HEY, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: YES, TOM?
>> WHAT REALLY SCARES YOU?
>> Stephen: OH, KNOWING THAT
EVERY TIME I MOVE THERE'S A
SPOOKY SKELETON INSIDE MY BODY
DOG EXACTLY THE SAME THING, JUST
FOLLOWING MY MOVEMENTS
EVERYWHERE I GO.
>> OH, GEEZ, HEY, THAT JUST GAVE
ME THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
HEY, TOM?
>> YEAH, STEVE.
>> Stephen: CAN I ASK YOU A
PERSONAL QUESTION?
>> SURE, GO AHEAD, BUDDY.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MIS
THE MOST NOW THAT YOU'RE A BIG
STAR?
>> I MISS LICKING STAMPS.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
YOU CAN'T LICK STAMPS ANYMORE?
>> NO, NO.
FOR INSURANCE PURPOSES, I CAN'T
DO MY OWN STUNTS.
HE, STEVE-A-ROO.
>>
>> Stephen: YEAH, TOM?
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK SANTA DOES
DURING THE SUMMER?
>> Stephen: I THINK HE'S SANTA
ON THE OTHER PLANETS.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> WHOA!
( LAUGHTER )
WAIT.
YOU MEAN LIKE IN AUSTRALIA?
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
I MEAN.
HEY, TOM?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE BEST
IDEA FOR A MOVIE THAT'S NEVER
BEEN MADE?
>> OH, GOD, THE BEST IDEA FOR A
MOVIE THAT HASN'T BEEN MADE YET
IS AN ACTION THRILLER ABOUT AN
ELITE TEAM OF SECRET SERVICE
DOGS THAT PROTECT THE
PRESIDENT'S DOG.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S CALLED "IN THE LINE OF
FUR."
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I'D WATCH THAT.
>> I'D SEE IT IN 3D, BUDDY BOY,
DAY ONE.
>> Stephen: HEY, TOM, SPEAKING
OF WHICH, DO YOU EVER WORRY THE
BIG FARM UPSTATE WHERE THE DOGS
GO WHEN THEY GET OLD ISN'T REAL?
>> OH, NO, NO.
IT'S DEFINITELY REAL.
COME ON.
YOU KNOW, I'M JUST WORRIED THAT
IT'S GETTING CROWDED BECAUSE THE
DOGS LIVE FOREVER AND THEY NEVER
LEAVE BECAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH
FUN THERE.
( LAUGHTER )
HERE, BOYS!
HERE, EMPLOYS!
HERE, BOYS!
>> Stephen: SO MANY RABBITS.
SO MANY RABBITS.
>> YEAH, YEAH, I BET YOUR DOG
KNOWS MY DOG AND I BET THEIR
FRIENDS.
>> I DO, TOO.
>> JUST LIKE US, HUH, BAD BOY?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
YOU EVER THINK MAYBE OUR SOLAR
SYSTEM IS JUST AN ATOM IN SOME
GIANT'S FINGER?
>> WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF, MAN.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, HEY, TOM?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IF YOU COULD HAVE
LUNCH WITH ANYONE LIVING OR
DEAD, WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
>> OH, DEAD, OF COURSE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOUR 20-YEAR-OLD SELF WOULD SAY
TO YOU NOW?
>> "CAN I BORROW SOME MONEY?
I'LL PAY YOU BACK WHEN I'M YOU."
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: HEY, TOM?
>> YEAH?
>> Stephen: WHY DO YOU THINK
WE'RE HERE?
>> WELL, I THINK IT'S SO YOU AND
I CAN PONDER THE INFINITE
UNIVERSE, LOOK AT THE DEEP TIME
SPACE, AND COUNT IN VAIN THE
INFINITE NUMBER OF STARS.
OR IT'S TO KILL FOUR MINUTES
UNTIL JOHN OLIVER COMES OUT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YOU'RE
PROBABLY RIGHT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN
OLIVER.
>> LOOK, LOOK, LOOK!
OH!
>>
>> Stephen: OH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
