Veronika Tushnova
“Reflections on my birthday”
Translated by Alexander Pokidov
Today’s my birthday.
And it is the cause
why some reflections come.
And first –
I am alarmed instinctively
because
old age is roaming somewhere.
’Tis not the worst,
’tis not yet near, but I must be on my guard…
If not, it will pass through the open door
and straight off it will start
seducing me with chances to get warmed
close to the fire, to relax at night
and stay in idleness all day through quite,
and can I guarantee
that I will that ignore?
But I’m up to the ears in work,
and God knows how long
I yet will live…
Should I say:
“Pardon me, Old Age, I’m taking leave.
You may well at the entrance stay. –
Another funny thought confuses me:
if it so happens that I could not be
and would not celebrate this day.
Imagine:
I am nowhere to be found.
I do not breathe, nor swim, or eat, or sleep.
I do not run on skis, nor skate,
or see the colours – what a fate!
To be not praised, not prized, not crowned!
Then I don’t hurry to embrace my love, nor
pamper
my dear daughter,
my sweet dove,
I do not write my books.
I’d rather weep.
What queer nonsense is all this!
But what in fact makes me alarmed and grieved: –
the real span of life.
How was it lived?
Was I always honest?
brave or shy?
Did I deceive myself or told a lie?
No, no, my conscience is quite calm, –
believe!
But I live worse than I would like to live:
I lose my kin and quarrel with my friends,
complain and grumble, store up my offence.
So many times to be immaculate I decided,
\but every time something sad impeded.
Cares, lack of money, gossip, sickness bad…
As a result – the noble impulse dead!
Beloved mine, forgive me for it
You are to blame, for wife you’ve chosen a poet,
and all in our household is out of joint,
at times you are forgotten – see a chance –
emotions are sometimes not to the point,
and all our mode of life is not arranged.
But still – do answer me in earnest:
are you content and glad I’m in this world?
And though I know your answer word for word,
still may it once again be clearly heard.
Please, once again frankly all that you say, –
mind you,
my birthday is today.
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