(crowd applauding)
- Thank you.
Its very nice to have...
you have me here.
I had a lousy day today.
I flew in just now
nonstop from Newark and
(crowd laughing)
Stewardesses don't like women,
but I had a woman that
was the meanest stewardess
I ever came upon.
Every time I sit down
to undo my safety belt,
I was getting very nervous
and I don't know why
stewardesses don't like women.
Well,
yes I do.
Cause they're single really,
to men they are very nice.
To men they're always running
around saying things like
coffee to you, what 
will you, sir
And I was trying to
make conversation.
I was trying to be pleasant
and I was saying little things
to her such as,
"Excuse me,
Think my window is open"
(crowd laughing)
She was so nasty.
She said,
"It's not my aisle".
(crowd laughing)
I think the reason I
don't like stewardesses
is because they're so
good looking especially
in bathing suits.
Like the kind of
women I hate the most.
The women that look
good in bathing suits
because I was so fat
when I was a child.
When I say fat,
I mean like fat,
like I was my own buddy at camp.
(crowd laughing)
That's fat.
And even now I hate to
get into a bathing suit
because you always see
these women on the beach
with the long legs
in the summer.
You know these women like
their legs never stopped.
(crowd laughing)
You know them.
And they are like legs, legs,
legs, legs, legs, legs, legs
There is a belt, a
baby bra and a head.
You know this women.
(crowd laughing)
They're not happy.
(crowd laughing)
I hope.
(crowd laughing)
You know these women like...
These women they're graceful
in whatever they do.
Last summer I'd be
going swimming and
there are these women
on the beach with the legs
and the little baby bikinis.
And they come out of the
water and they're all beauty
and grace.
And they come out so slowly,
they come out like step,
step,
step.
They always come
out of the deep end.
(crowd laughing)
Step,
step,
step,
step and they go flick.
And every hair falls into place.
You know these women
(crowd laughing)
They hit 85 they're finished,
you know that.
(crowd laughing)
So I used to figure,
"I'm gonna come
out of the water.
Why not?
I've been here nine hours".
(crowd laughing)
They're starting to
call me the happy prune.
(crowd laughing)
But when you're chubby
you have to come out
of the water happy,
right?
(crowd laughing)
So I would come out jolly
(narrator humming)
With my tube
(crowd laughing)
I'd go flick and my
wig would go flying.
(crowd laughing)
Dog in the pool.
(crowd laughing)
I'm gonna tell you all
something that's gonna keep you
happy on the beach this summer.
These women with the long
legs and their little bikinis,
they may be beautiful,
granted,
but they're dumb.
(foot stomping)
(crowd laughing)
But they're beautiful.
But they're dumb,
(man laughs)
But interesting,
nobody notices
they're dumb but me.
(crowd laughing)
Their husbands don't care.
And my mother brought me up to
think that looks don't count.
And my mother fibbed.
(crowd laughing)
We used to sit there in the
kitchen on Saturday nights
during adolescence and my
mother would say to me,
"Jonnie",
she'd say,
"Looks don't count.
(gushes)
(crowd laughing)
And looks count.
These beautiful
women own the world.
They buy their dresses and
they don't have to cut out
Woolworth labels.
And they don't wear
zircons they just...
And they're dumb.
(crowd laughing)
They're nice.
Oh, I don't want
anyone to get offended.
Oh, I sat next to one
the other day at dinner,
right next to her.
Very beautiful,
very dumb.
But we talked,
we got very close,
very friendly.
We had a nice talk.
I showed her which
were the peas.
(crowd laughing)
We had very good...
Yes,
yes. She let me cut
her meat for her.
We had fun.
(crowd laughing)
But they're dumb and my
mother used to say to me,
"Looks don't count".
She used to say when a man
wants to take out a girl
he has no respect for,
oh,
then sure.
Then he'll take out
little miss painted face.
But when it comes to marriage,
my mother said,
"A man isn't just looking
for tinsel and fluff".
When it comes to marriage
my mother used to say to me,
"A man is thinking in
much deeper terms".
When it comes to marriage,
a man is thinking in terms
of the woman who is going
to cook for him and sow for him.
When it comes to marriage,
a man is thinking in terms
of the woman who was going
to be the mother
of his children.
A man doesn't want to come
home after a difficult day
at the office to find some
sexy girl lying on a fur rug.
(crowd laughing)
Looking up at him and
saying things like,
"Hi tiger"
(crowd laughing)
Yes he does.
(crowd laughing)
Yes he does.
(crowd applauding)
