-Chelsea Handler! Thank you
so much for coming on our show.
We appreciate it.
And I know all your fans
appreciate it, too.
Because this is a --
some tough times.
Where are you and how are you?
-I'm in my room
in Los Angeles, California.
I'm doing fine. I'm -- I'm happy
to stay home and do my part.
And, yeah. How are you doing?
You look cute.
-[ Laughs ]
Thank you so much.
Come on. Oh, my gosh.
I'm doing --
I'm doing great, you know.
I'm just trying to, like,
figure this whole thing out.
You know, we're with the kids
in the quarantine.
Are you --
Are you with family now
or are you by yourself?
-Well -- what happened was
the first two weeks
I quarantined by myself,
as did my sister
and her three kids.
And I really dove into the first
two weeks of the quarantine.
I was like, "Oh, spring break,
I guess, you know?"
Like, I'm home alone? I'm not
allowed to talk to anyone?
Like, you don't have to
tell me twice.
So I really --
I'm coming out with a
cannabis line in the summer.
Well, I don't know now,
but it was planned on,
so I had an exorbitant amount
of sampling at my house.
And I just went head-first
into that, and I was like,
"Hey, it's time to party,"
you know what I mean?
And I love my own company,
so it was not a problem.
And I was --
I was having a great time.
And, then, I kind of overdid it.
Like, I had a big supply
of those breakfast number ones
from McDonald's because
those are kind of my favorites.
So for the first two weeks,
I'm like,
"Oh, I better eat them all,"
you know?
-Oh, no.
-And with the cannabis
and the eating,
I was going to my refrigerator
like every 15 --
I was like, "I better eat again
now. It's been 15 minutes."
-That was the plan.
-And then I had to set an alarm
on my phone, and I was like,
"You can't go into the
refrigerator for three hours."
And, then, if I do now, I have
to set an alarm on my fridge.
If I open the refrigerator
before the three hours is up,
an alarm goes off,
and it alerts the Los Angeles
Police Department.
-Are you doing a lot of Zooming?
-Zooming is not -- I mean,
I know you and I are Zooming.
Is this Zoom
that we're on right now?
-This is -- Yeah, this is Zoom.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-I can't read.
But I don't love to.
I don't like to --
I mean, I like to communicate
like this for you
because I love you, but, I mean,
I've been doing
meetings on Zoom,
but they're really annoying.
You know, people are
talking over each other,
interrupting each other,
faces get blurry.
And then --
And now everyone wants
Zoom happy hours and cocktails,
and I just don't --
-Yeah, I heard that.
-Yeah, I just tell people,
"I don't get a good signal."
-Well, now they're
going to see the show
and realize you do have
a good signal.
-Yeah, but that's not my
problem. You know what I mean?
I'm just going to
stick to my story
and just keep going with that.
Not my problem.
-Are you a --
Are you not a FaceTimer?
Are you a FaceTimer?
-I find FaceTiming intrusive
and, quite honestly, offensive.
You know,
if you don't have children,
there's really no reason
to be talking that way.
I don't find --
Like, I don't want --
If somebody calls and
it's a FaceTime, I don't --
I just hit decline.
But, you know, I didn't have
children for a reason,
and it was because
I don't like to FaceTime.
-[ Laughs ]
But now you have kids
around the house.
Your sister has kids, right?
-Yeah, after my sister heard
about my first two weeks --
Like, my sisters --
one's in New Jersey,
and one was in San Francisco,
and they were under
a deep quarantine.
And after they heard about
how I was conducting myself
for two weeks --
my memories were all blending.
You know,
your days blend together,
and your attention span
starts to go.
You're, like, too bored
to even watch TV sometimes.
You turn it on. You're like...
-Yeah.
-After that, my sister's like,
"You need a supervisor.
Like, we're gonna come down
there and supervise you,
make sure you're not
going to lose it."
And she's like,
"You need to get into a rhythm."
And she wasn't wrong.
So my family came down.
So now I have
a full house of kids,
and, like,
all the bedrooms are full,
and there's clothes everywhere.
It's like what my house would be
like if I had had a family.
It's fun.
-[ Laughs ]
Are you -- Are you
watching them homeschool?
Are you helping them
homeschool?
-No, no, I don't want to ever --
I mean, that's another reason.
I mean, what's happening right
now with all of our friends --
you guys I'm sure, too,
you and Nancy.
Having to home-school people
is kind of like, you know --
That's like my --
Homeschool a child
is kind of like
my worst nightmare.
And I guess intuitively,
I maybe had known
something this big
was going to happen
because I always in the back
of my mind when I thought
about children I'm like,
"I just don't want to have to
be alone with them
for long periods of time."
And so I -- Now I'm looking back
at a lot of the decisions
I made as an adult woman,
and I'm pretty solid.
I feel pretty solid, like,
in my decision-making.
I don't have a husband
that's driving me up a wall.
It's my family,
so I can tell them to shut up
or I can go to my room
when I'm annoyed.
And I don't have any children
that I have to homeschool.
So somebody's hittin' it
out of the park.
-[ Laughs ]
I saw somewhere
that you're going to do
a commencement speech
for graduates just on --
It's on iHeartRadio.
-Yes. Are you doing one?
-Yeah, I think
I'm gonna do one, too.
-But did you graduate
from college?
-[ Laughs ] I kind of --
I got my doctorate.
I got my degree. They gave
one to me. I'm a doctor.
-So you didn't graduate.
I'm more of a doctor
than you'll ever be
because I'm a pharmacist.
So, you didn't graduate
from college,
but you got an honorary degree
because you're
a celebrity, right?
-Well, no, my major
was communications,
and I think I'm communicating
pretty well.
-Yeah, you're right.
I didn't go to college either,
by the way. I didn't
even get accepted anywhere.
So -- Because I didn't apply.
But I didn't think that
was the right avenue for me,
which is more of a reason
why I would love doing
a commencement speech.
Because if you can be successful
without going to college,
I'm sure you can impart
some wisdom
on people
who have gone to college.
-Yeah.
-I heard, though, that you had
a crush on our boyfriend,
Andrew Cuomo.
-Dude, everyone does, right?
I think he's fantastic.
-I mean,
it's just like we are in --
We are -- You know, competence
has become such
an aphrodisiac, you know?
In the state of affairs
that we're in,
you see somebody
who can explain things
with pie graphs and charts
in a simple, like,
you know, factual way,
and you're just so -- I mean,
I'm so turned on by him.
I'm so turned on by
the leadership, you know?
I'm so turned on by somebody
who's confident and can just --
and shows you what's happening
without his personal opinion
intersecting, you know,
all of those thoughts.
And I -- I -- I have feelings
for him now, and --
But I know my pattern. I have
feelings for Andrew Cuomo.
I wrote a piece about it
for vogue.com.
But, I mean, everybody does.
Everybody's kind of on the same
page with me, you know?
-Well, he's single. Would you
ever date Andrew Cuomo?
-Um, the thing is,
yes, I would date him.
I've been looking
into his background.
He's mentioned fishing a lot,
and he's mentioned
muscle cars a lot.
And being from New Jersey, like,
I'm trying to get away from that
stuff, you know what I mean?
It's a little, like,
too close to home.
-Yeah, yeah.
-And there's not enough cannabis
in the world that's ever
gonna allow me to go fishing.
-[ Laughs ] Oh, yeah.
Well, I mean,
you get around those things.
-That -- I mean,
we'll see what happens.
I mean, I had a big crush on
Robert Mueller for a long time
during that investigation.
I developed strong sexual
feelings for him, too,
so I know my pattern.
And when he disappointed me
and that investigation
didn't come to fruition in
the way that I had imagined,
I'd been -- You know,
I'd been kind of smarting
from that for a few months,
so it's nice for a new man
to come into my life.
But I know once
this disaster starts to abate
and New York City's back on
the rise and people are getting,
you know, back into, you know,
into the world and our economy
and everything starts
to become healthy again
and we can all mourn
for all the people we've lost
in a proper way, I feel like
my feelings for Andrew Cuomo
will also start to abate,
because that's how I am.
I'm attracted to somebody in the
moment of them fixing something,
and then when it's over,
I'm like,
"Who -- Where is someone else?"
-Really?
That's the way you work?
I know -- We ask everyone
that comes on our show
to pick a charity.
And, again,
thank you for coming on,
but your charity is the New
Jersey Pandemic Relief Fund.
This is -- right there.
newjerseypandemicrelieffund.
org.
What does Jersey mean to you?
-Well, I'm with my girl
Whitney Houston,
who's from New Jersey, too.
So we're representing.
New Jersey girls.
Well, New Jersey's strong,
just like New York is tough,
you know, and I'm proud
to be from New Jersey.
I'm also proud
to have left New Jersey.
But I'm proud to be involved in
the New Jersey
Pandemic Relief Fund.
And they're providing, you know,
PPE for all
the frontline workers.
And this is just a time
for all of us to say yes
to everything that we can,
you know?
To any organization
and to getting --
I mean, these medical workers,
the courage that they've shown
us is basically, you know,
demonstrating what it is
to people who do not work
in the medical community,
what it is to be a hero.
And we have a lot of heroes.
And I want to be --
And it is so --
It's a beautiful thing to see.
And it makes me want
to just be better,
and it makes me want to do more.
You know,
I want to show up for them
in the way that
they've shown up for us.
-Yeah.
You're also going to be part of
the Jersey for Jersey event
that's going to air
next Wednesday,
April 22nd, at 7:00 p.m.
That is on Apple Music,
Apple TV.
That is a bunch
of New Jersey's best
all coming together
to support --
-Yeah, there's Jon Bon Jovi,
Bruce Springsteen.
Einstein is from New Jersey.
I heard he'll be there.
Edison. Thomas Edison.
We have a lot of good people.
Jason Alexander from "Seinfeld."
-[ Laughs ]
That's perfect right there.
You got the whole --
the whole gamut of people.
Well, I'm so happy to see you
and happy to see your smile,
and I can't wait
to see you in person.
Again, I really appreciate
you doing this, buddy.
And stay safe, okay?
-Okay, you too. Bye, Jimmy.
