- From Pon Farr to Smizmar,
nerds like a lot of things,
but there's something
they love above all else,
and that is each other?
Oh, it's a very special
Valentine's episode
of Um, Actually!
(upbeat music)
Joining us today, we have Kate Thompson.
- Hi!
- [Mike] Jessica Ross.
- Hello!
- [Mike] Matt Mercer.
- Hello!
- [Mike] And Marisha Ray.
- Howdy.
- Yes, this is a very
special Valentine's episode,
which means we have four
contestants, two couples,
they'll each be competing
as a team for this episode.
How's everyone doing today?
- Woo!
- Good, good!
Excited.
I'm happy to, you know,
have my better half
carry us through the game.
- (laughs) Ah, yeah,
this'll be fun, 'cause like,
I don't know whether this
will feel more cooperative
or competitive, you know
how sometimes you have
couple, group games, and
it's like, you see parts
about a relationship come
out when it's literally like
couples start playing together, it's like,
oh wow, this is, you're
hitting somehow catchphrase
got to the bottom of something
real deep in this relationship.
- This'll bring us closer
together or destroy us.
- Break us apart.
- Tear us apart!
- We're in the crucible of Um, Actually.
- Well great, well, we'll
run right into it, here.
Most of you have played before,
Kate, you haven't played
with us before, but
the rules are very simple.
These are a stack of incorrect statements
about the things that you know and love,
in this case, a little
bit of a romance theme.
It's up to you to find
the thing that is wrong
with what I've said,
buzz in and correct me.
You must precede with your corrections
with the phrase "Um, Actually,"
and you can interrupt
me whenever you want.
Also, for this particular game,
each team will be sharing one buzzer,
that may lead to some fun shenanigans,
I don't know. (laughs)
We'll see how that goes.
Y'all feel ready?
- Yes.
- Yeah!
- All right, here is our--
- [Marisha] Oh my goodness.
- First statement.
- Get your thumb ready, get your--
- It's--
- Thumb ready!
- [Mike] Wuv, true wuv,
will fowow you foweva...
- [Matt] Oh no!
- [Mike] At the end of
"The Princess Bride,"
the grandson has finally
overcome his apprehension
about kissing scenes,
and allows his grandfather to read him
the description of a
kiss between Buttercup
and Westley, the Dread Pirate Roberts,
which the grandfather describes as better
than the top five
previous "most passionate"
and "most pure" kisses in all history.
(buzzer rings)
Yes?
- Um, Actually, I don't
think it takes until
the end of the movie.
Isn't he kind of chill
with it in the middle?
He's like all right.
- He's got a little bit
of a turn in the middle,
but he, by the end, he has
come to accept kissing scenes,
as we, yes, Matt?
- Um, Actually,
by the end of the movie, he's no longer
the Dread Pirate Roberts,
'cause he passed it on
to Inigo Montoya.
- That is correct!
- Oh!
- This is gonna be hard for
you to see who's buzzing in.
- This is tricksy.
- Yes, that's correct,
the title of Dread Pirate Roberts passes
from one person to another.
By this point in the story,
he's passed that title on,
and he's no longer--
- He's just Westley.
- He's just Westley.
Well.
That is that, it's a point
for Matt and Marisha.
In the "Futurama" episode
"Love and Rocket,"
the Planet Express crew
contracts with Romanticorp,
the company responsible for
making heart-shaped boxes
out of recycled garbage,
candy hearts of bone meal
and earwig honey, and Lovey
Bears made of blanket cloth
and magic buttons.
- Do you guys know?
(laughs)
- You're the "Futurama" one!
- I know, I'm sorry,
I'm ashamed of myself!
Romanticorp?
- Guess!
(buzzer rings)
- [Mike] Yeah.
- Um, Actually, they,
they team up with,
I feel like it's not called Romanticorp.
Shoot, I'm sorry, I'm like,
I'm treading water.
(laughter)
- It is Romanticorp, which
I believe is a subsidiary
of General Feelings, or General Emotions,
or something like that.
Yes, it is Romanticorp.
(buzzer rings)
Yes.
- Um, Actually, the Lovey Bears are made
from magic buttons and human flesh.
I got nothin'.
I got nothin', I'm out.
- You've identified what's wrong.
- Woo!
- It's what the Lovey Bears are made of,
so I'll give you the point,
unless someone can remember what is wrong,
it's not that Lovey Bears
are made of blanket cloth
and magic buttons.
Drawing a blank over there?
(buzzer rings)
Yeah?
- They're made of honey!
(laughter)
Um, Actually!
So I get that point still,
all right, moving on!
- They are not, they
are not made of honey.
We'll give that point to Matt and Marisha.
(bell dings)
Romanticorp claims in the,
they claim that they're
made of blanket cloth
and magic buttons, that's sort
of part of their marketing.
In point of fact, they find
that it's actually much cheaper
to genetically engineer real bears
that are killed on their first birthday
and stuffed full of fire
retardant love fluff.
- There we go.
(laughter)
- That is what they're made of.
- Look at that!
We're failing up.
(laughter)
- That's the story of my life,
the name of my autobiography.
- [Mike] In Greek mythology,
Zeus is constantly
changing form in order
to seduce women and men.
These forms include a bull, a swan,
an eagle, a dove, an
ant, a shower of gold,
and a peacock, among many, many others.
(buzzer rings)
Yes?
- Um, Actually, he was never an ant.
- He was an ant!
Isn't that bonkers?
(buzzer rings)
Yeah.
Matt.
- Um, Actually, he was never a peacock,
'cause that was Hera's thing, right?
- That's correct, that's Hera's jam.
He was never a peacock.
That'd be really muscling
in on someone else's brand.
- [Matt] Yeah.
- He may not respect anything else,
but I guess Zeus respects that.
- If there's one, if there's
one thing those gods knew
was not to overlap each other's territory.
(laughter)
Very specific, you know,
organized contracts.
- Zeus, can I talk to you for a second?
(laughter)
Noticed you were playing a
little peacock thing, and--
- Oh, is that your thing?
I didn't realize it was--
- Well yeah, it's just I'm constantly just
surrounded by peacocks.
- Well, I already bought the
costume, I hope it's not a--
- Well, I just, I think you should--
- [Matt] Can we change?
- I know we should change, I just,
you could change on a
whim, and I just think
you should change, maybe.
(laughter)
Yeah, an ant,
not the first thing I
would think of as being
a choice to--
- Seducing--
(laughter)
Watch me pick up this watermelon!
(laughter)
- That sounds like a drunken
conversation of like,
yeah man, did you know
there are queen ants?
Queen ant.
I haven't been with a queen ant.
(laughter)
Give me an hour!
- Gotta go!
(laughter)
Zeus, where are you going?
I'll be right back, I'll be right back!
(laughter)
It's like, that guy!
Yeah, well that point then
goes to Matt and Marisha.
(bell dings)
We will move right--
- Might as well be called mop,
'cause they're wiping the floor with us!
- [Mike] Hey, there's
still plenty of game left.
- Exactly!
- Just keep it going, babe.
Keep it going.
(laughter)
I'm just here for emotional support!
(laughter)
- We got this!
- Don't embarrass me!
(laughter)
- Just after the game, just real quiet,
it's like,
in the locker rooms that we
definitely have back there,
just like--
- Yeah, when we shower after the game!
(laughter)
- What happened out there?
(laughter)
- (mimics sobs) I don't know!
- Here's a Star Trek question.
- (gasps) I've been watching a ton lately,
so I think I'm gonna nail it.
- [Matt] If it's Next Gen--
- Next Gen?
- [Marisha] Is it Next Gen?
- [Mike] Deanna Troi of "Star
Trek: The Next Generation"
had a human father, but
her mother was a Betazoid.
In addition to innate
telepathic abilities,
Betazoid women undergo
a physiological change
early in life known as "The Phase,"
during which their sex drive
significantly increases
by a factor of four or more.
Also worth noting, Betazoid weddings
are traditionally expected
to be attended in the nude.
(buzzer rings)
Yes, Matt?
- Um, Actually,
Deanna Troi's ability was
empathic, not telepathic?
- Hers is, but in the phrasing of it,
we are making claims about
Betazoids in general, and--
- Understood, understood.
I rescind my statement.
(buzzer rings)
- Um, Actually, I think they
get hornier later in life.
- That's correct!
(laughter)
- [Mike] The Phase--
- 'Cause her mom is always
fucking whenever she shows up,
she's like, down to clown
with anyone she meets.
- Well, that is correct,
The Phase occurs mid-life.
(bell dings)
Comparable to menopause, but
just super horny, I guess.
- That doesn't sound like--
- I love it!
- Some male projection there.
- I know, I love it when you can see that
some writer on that team was like--
- Oh yeah.
- You know what would be awesome?
- [Mike] Yeah! (laughs)
- Got a thing for cougars
and like, you know?
- It's like every episode of TNG is like
pretty much that, where it's like,
I can picture the three boys
in a room writing this down.
- This is cool, right?
Oh yeah, this is really fucking cool!
- Actually, so honey, do you want to like,
I'm tired, you know.
Fine.
It would be cool if you just
got horny when you were older!
It would be great, wouldn't it?
- I'll make my own universe,
where everyone's horny
all the time!
(laughter)
I love it.
Well, we will move on
to our next question,
which is our first shiny
question of the game.
- [Jessica] Yay!
(upbeat music)
- Shiny questions are
just like shiny Pokemon,
that they're worth the same amount,
they're just a little bit
different and a little bit rarer.
This is a game where, this is
a game we've played before,
originally called "What's My Line?"
this is "What's My Pickup Line?"
On the other side of this board,
you're gonna find four phrases,
these are somewhat iconic
phrases, quotes from movies
or other properties that are,
in this particular case,
somehow about love.
But a portion of the
line has been removed,
it's up to you to fill in the blank
and complete the quote.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!
- Whoever can get the most right
will get the point.
All right, let's go ahead
and flip those boards over,
take a look at those quotes.
(laughter)
(suspenseful music)
- [Jessica] Okay.
- [Mike] All right.
- Pencils down.
- [Mike] Jess and Kate
are capping up their pen,
and to find the perfect--
- (laughs) Just one quote
we're battling over!
(laughter)
- Something like that.
- All right.
Let's give it a go.
We will--
- [Matt] We got it!
- We'll start with Jess and
Kate, let's see what you got.
- Okay!
- We'll get the right answers
out of the way real quick.
- [Jessica] Yeah!
- [Mike] All right.
Tell us what you got here,
what's the first one.
- Okay, I don't like sand,
it's coarse and hard,
not like you, Anakin, Star Wars.
- [Mike] Okay.
- Okay.
I would rather spend
one lifetime with you,
than a thousand on elf island.
(laughter)
- Hell yeah.
- Liv Tyler, Lord of the Rings.
Hold on tight, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
(laughter)
Roger Stirling, "The Twilight Zone."
(laughter)
- Really, Roger?
- She thought it was
Twilight Zone the whole time.
She was like, she started
writing Rod Sterling,
and I was like, no, it's--
(laughter)
There are layers!
- You thought your first
kiss was gonna be Jojo,
you was right.
(laughter)
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
- Great.
You're pretty close with
your, with the Star Wars one.
The other ones are a little farther,
but let's see what Matt and Marisha--
- All right.
You got, you go ahead and present these.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- [Matt] I presented the last one.
- I don't like sand,
it's coarse and annoying,
and it gets everywhere,
not like you?
- A better delivery than---
(laughter)
- Take a compliment!
(laughter)
- [Jessica] Jeez, Padme.
- I would rather spend
one lifetime with you
than a thousand lifetimes of men apart?
(laughter)
Away from you or something like that?
Hold on tight, bitch.
(laughter)
"Twilight."
(laughter)
And, you thought your
first kiss would be Jojo,
but it's me.
(together) Dio!
(laughter)
"Jojo's Bizarre Adventure."
- Great!
So the specific wording that we have here,
that would have been perfect is,
I don't like sand, it's coarse, rough,
and irritating, and it gets everywhere.
- It gets everywhere is a part of that?
- Yeah!
- [Marisha] Yeah.
- That's why it's the worst.
- The worst line.
- [Mike] "Lord of the
Rings," I would rather spend
one lifetime with you,
than face all the ages
of the world alone.
- It hurts.
It hurts that I couldn't remember it.
- Okay, okay.
- Close, close, not quite there.
Hold on tight, spider monkey.
(laughter)
- That's right.
- And yes, you got that right.
The last one, you thought
your first kiss would be Jojo,
but it was me, Dio!
(laughter)
Great, that point will
go to Matt and Marisha,
and we will collect those boards.
(magical music)
Well, my loves, I screwed up.
Here are some of our favorite corrections
from you, the viewers.
Please forgive me.
@MattStyner says, Mario is
Missing was on the NES and SNES,
in addition to PC.
Also, it was terrible.
That's correct, it was
terrible, one point for you.
And from our exclusive Dropout Discord,
MsFairyFreak says, Um, Actually,
Luna could also transform
into a humanoid child in the
live action Sailor Moon series
Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon,
where she could transform
into Sailor Luna thanks to the power
of the Silver Crystal.
I don't understand any of
that, but it sounds right.
That's one point for you.
RandomGeekNamedBrent says,
Um, Actually, Grogar isn't
the villain of the original
My Little Pony series,
just one of many.
And he is not a centaur as
Trapp said, he's just a goat.
Tirek is the centaur.
My apologies for screwin'
up your little pony.
(magical music)
We've got a little
Disney question for you.
- [Jessica] Ooh!
- [Mike] In some older Disney cartoons,
Goofy's wife, aka Mrs. Goof, is depicted
as a redheaded woman who
otherwise looks a lot
like Goofy himself.
However, Goofy's wife
is conspicuously absent
from the show "Goof Troop."
Although only mentioned
in the series once,
it's implied that Max's
mother died at some point,
leaving Goofy to raise
him as a single parent.
(buzzer rings)
Yes?
- Um, Actually,
Goofy's wife
is living in Tucson
with her second family.
(laughter)
- I want that "Goof Troop" sequel.
- She went back to school,
I don't know, I'm sorry.
(laughter)
- You, I mean,
you've hit what is wrong, which is
the whereabouts of Mrs. Goof.
So I'll give it to you unless someone
can be more specific.
- Okay.
(buzzer rings)
- [Mike] Yeah, Marisha.
- Um, Actually,
She's just gone on a
very extended work trip.
(laughter)
For five years.
- She went out for smokes one day.
- [Marisha] And never came back!
(laughter)
Yeah!
- (laughs) Incorrect, incorrect.
I'll go ahead and give it
to you, to Kate and Jess.
This one's a bit of a tricky one,
(bell dings)
because in point of fact, it's
never canonically explained
where Mrs. Goof is, where Max's mother is.
There's a little bit of a,
Mrs. Goof does appear
in old Disney cartoons,
you mostly see her from behind,
just this redheaded woman.
And Max exists,
but there are a lot of people who sort of
like a Mandela Effect kind of thing,
they have this false memory of
remembering Goofy saying that,
it's like, oh, your mother's
up there among the stars,
but that's never been in any episode.
- So what did Goofy do to her?
- I was about to say,
doesn't he bring it up
when he gets nervous and
looks in the backyard a lot?
(laughter)
It's like, I don't know, she--
(mimics Goofy's laugh)
- Where is she?
- I've gotta go work in
the shed for a minute.
- Stay away from the
basement ice chest.
That's daddy's ice chest!
- Yeah, he's actually the
villain of "Goof Troop."
(laughter)
- Then he's just like,
there's something wrong
with that Goof!
(laughter)
Well, that point will go to Jess and Kate.
- Hell yeah!
- Thanks.
- Tucson, Arizona, baby.
- Tucson!
- Here is a D&D question.
- I won't even bother.
(laughter)
- [Mike] Graz'zt, aka the
Dark Prince of Pleasure
resides in the Argent Palace,
described as a "den of
ostentation and hedonism."
Like other demon lords,
adventurers who succumb
to madness in his
presence while in his lair
experience unique insanities like,
"sex is a great solution
to all of life's problems,"
and "to properly honor
my dark, beautiful lord,
I must prepare intricate,
debauched rituals,"
and "this world is a mass
hallucination where fear
seems more real than love."
(buzzer rings)
Yes, Jess and Kate?
- Um, Actually, he lives
underground, and not in a palace?
- Nope, he is in the Argent Palace.
(buzzer rings)
Yep?
- Um, Actually, you don't
have to be in his lair
to experience his hallucinatory effects,
you just have to be near him,
it's just an ability he can do.
- That is not what we're looking for here.
If that is true, there's
a more incorrect thing.
- [Marisha] Oh, okay.
(buzzer rings)
- [Mike] Yes?
- Um, Actually, the
madness effects around him
are based more in indulgence
and sensual pleasure,
so the fear based ability is
not part of the madnesses?
- The--
- The illusion that makes you think that
fear is the strongest thing.
- Oh, that last one is
incorrect is what you're saying?
- [Matt] Correct.
- That is correct.
- Damn, that's what I was gonna say!
- That last quote,
this world is a mass hallucination
where fear seems more real than love,
that is a quote from Marianne Williamson.
(laughter)
Who is running for President.
(laughter)
That is where that quote comes from.
- Still an abyssal entity, but--
(laughter)
- When I'm in her presence,
that's how I feel.
- Yeah!
(laughter)
- Sounds like not the
worst way to go insane,
I guess if you had to choose.
- Yeah!
Of all the demon lords,
he's probably the most
chill comparatively,
'cause you've got Orcus.
The guy of undead, who's like,
I want to kill everything
and raze it, and you have, you know,
Demogorgon is just an insane,
constantly arguing thing,
and then you have Graz'zt,
who's like, hey guys.
Clothes optional.
(laughter)
I think I've been to
a few Graz'zt parties in LA accidentally,
and like, oh, I gotta go.
(laughter)
- [Mike] Yeah.
- It's a little less intense.
- Yeah, for sure.
Well, that point will
go to Matt and Marisha,
and here is a Harry Potter question.
The love potion amortentia
might seem harmless
from its unassuming appearance
and scent of fresh cut grass,
but as the most powerful love potion,
it causes obsession deep enough
that it can completely change someone.
Voldemort himself was
conceived while his mother
poisoned his father with amortentia,
and when she stopped
giving him the potion,
he was horrified and abandoned his family.
(buzzer rings)
Yes?
- Um, Actually, it doesn't
smell like grass to everybody.
- That's correct!
- Yes!
(laughter)
(bell dings)
- It specifically doesn't
smell like grass to everybody,
can you be more specific?
- It only smells like that to Hermione?
- [Mike] Yeah!
- It smells like Ron's house?
- It, yeah, all those specifics are right.
Amortentia smells--
- It smells like the Weasleys' basement.
(laughter)
She must love that idiot.
(laughter)
- 'Cause their basement is rank.
- [Jessica] Dank weed!
(laughter)
- That explains so much
about the Weasleys.
- The Weasleys would not have dank weed,
they would have mids.
(laughter)
Stems and seeds.
(laughter)
- Sorry I couldn't get
the nice stuff, dear!
(laughter)
- I've got that Hufflepuff Brown, sorry.
- The Hufflepuff common room just
reeks of weed all the time.
(laughter)
- So sweet!
- [Mike] Yeah.
- Hufflepuff, puff, pass!
- [Mike] Yeah!
(laughter)
- Hell yeah, dude!
- Make it a shirt, make it a shirt!
(laughter)
- Just a badge, a stoned out badger.
(laughter)
Amortentia smells
different to every person,
depending on what appeals to them,
and it is Hermione who
smells fresh cut grass,
parchment, and Ron's hair.
- Smells like Kate's farts.
- [Matt] Aww.
(laughter)
- I got that Ambien hallucinatory shit.
(laughter)
They're coming, I'm sorry!
Could I leave?
(laughter)
- Well great, we will move on
to our second shiny question.
(magical music)
This is a game called "Matchmaker."
On the other side of this board,
there are a number of broken hearts,
and two of these hearts will fit together
because they have the names of each half
of a name of a couple from pop culture.
The way this will specifically work is,
one couple will hold the
board up for the other,
one of you will choose one name.
Your partner must choose the
correct name to coincide--
- Oh!
- Okay, okay, okay.
- So this is a group game,
you have to not only know,
choose the one that you know,
but choose the one that
you think your partner
will know the other half to.
All right, so go ahead, lift up, yeah,
show Matt and Marisha the board,
those are a little hard
to see, I apologize,
they're very tiny.
- [Matt] Oh.
- So either of you can
be the first to pick,
and the other can choose
who the other half
of the heart is.
- Korra.
- [Mike] Okay.
- [Marisha] Asami!
(bell dings)
- Oh, wait, oh!
Yeah!
- Yeah.
- [Jessica] Princess Bubblegum!
- [Mike] Kay.
- [Kate] It's right there,
and Marceline.
(bell dings)
- [Mike] Very good.
- [Jessica] Yeah!
- I know one, I have one too.
- You have one?
- [Matt] I do.
- We're on the same page.
- I'm going, 'cause I don't
know what you're thinking of.
- Wait, what are you thinking?
- Howard the Duck?
- (laughs) I would not!
- (laughs) Jess, scoffing at your choice.
All right, Matt, you've got
to pair up Howard the Duck.
- It's like, I don't want to--
- I will say,
I'll say Beverly Switzler.
- [Mike] That is correct.
(bell dings)
- [Jessica] Woo!
- Do you know this one?
- I don't think we're
supposed to do it that way.
- I'm sorry, fully
cheating, fully cheating.
- Sorry.
- Well, I'll just pick that one,
so Willow Rosenberg.
- [Jessica] Okay.
That is what I was gonna go
with for you, Tara Maclay.
- [Mike] Very good.
(bell dings)
That is correct.
- [Jessica] Yay.
- Oh, man.
If you don't, oh,
I will say...
This is kind of a Hail Mary,
I don't know if you've
watched the full series.
Laura Roslin.
- Uh huh.
Uh huh.
(laughter)
Let's see here.
Laura in--
- [Mike] Matt is trying
to telepathically beam--
- I know!
- [Mike] The name--
- I know, I can feel it, too.
I'm gonna say Laura and John Chrichton?
- [Mike] That is incorrect.
(buzzer sounds)
- [Marisha] Balls!
- [Mike] That is incorrect,
so we will go to,
now inadvertently made
this a little easier for--
- [Marisha] Yeah, I know.
- [Mike] Kate and Jess.
- [Matt] That's okay.
- [Jessica] I guess I'll do Laura Roslin.
Again, and then--
- So I just know that it's not one?
- Yeah.
- Okay, William Adama?
- [Mike] That is correct.
(bell dings)
- [Jessica] Yay!
- Well done.
- What is that from?
- "Battlestar Galactica."
- Oh, I--
- I did watch Battlestar, yeah.
It's great.
- Now if we had thought through
this game a little better,
we could have thrown some more, (laughs)
some more things in here,
there's only one pairing left, right?
Is that right?
Yeah.
So,
this feels like it should be
the end of the game, yeah.
- We got one wrong, they
got all of them right.
- That feels right, right?
I'm not pulling a fast one here.
- No, not at all.
That's legitimately fair.
- Well, that point will
go to Jess and Kate.
(bell dings)
(magical music)
Well, I know one thing that you guys love,
and that is correcting me.
If you notice something that I got wrong,
you can correct us by
tweeting @UmActuallyShow,
or going to the exclusive Dropout Discord
and correcting us on the
#um-actually-corrections channel.
If we like what you have to say,
we might even feature
it on a future episode.
(magical music)
Buzzers at the ready.
Here we go.
We're gonna go a little old school, here.
In the movie "Barbarella," the
titular character is captured
by Dr. Pygar and placed in
the "Excessive Machine,"
a device designed to
cause death by orgasm.
Fortunately, Barbarella
survives because the machine
is unable to handle her sexual appetite,
and it instead breaks down and explodes.
(buzzer rings)
Yes?
- Um, Actually, Pygar is
the name of the angel guy.
- That is correct.
Yeah, that is correct.
- Pygar!
- Pygar!
- Pygar!
- That's right, the blond
Adonis kind of spacey angel guy?
That's right.
- Do you know the name of
the doctor who operates
the excessive pleasure
machine, the Excessive Machine?
- What was the name of that doctor?
- Dr. Hardknocker, probably,
or something like that.
That was the era.
- Dr. Penis.
(laughter)
- I'll give you the
point, the point anyway.
- What is it?
- The doctor's name is Dr. Duran Duran.
- Duran Duran!
- Which is where Duran
Duran got their name.
Yeah.
- [Matt] That movie.
- And you just, yeah.
- It's so--
- Duran Duran!
The whole time.
- Cool, that point will
go to Jess and Kate.
(bell dings)
This next question is about "Twilight."
- Oh boy.
- Oh no!
- "The Twilight Zone."
- (laughs) Yeah!
- Yes.
- Spider monkey.
Spider monkey!
- What did you say?
Roger Stirling.
(laughter)
Good old Roger.
- Roger Stirling's a
character from "Mad Men."
(laughter)
- All right.
- You're like his mom yelling at him.
- [Mike] I'll stop roasting you.
(laughter)
- Purple monkey dishwasher!
- Okay, here we go.
Bella may have chosen Edward over Jacob,
but when her hybrid-vampire
daughter Renesmee was born,
Jacob "imprinted" on her,
which formed a permanent supernatural bond
between himself and the baby.
Jacob still pines for Bella,
but takes solace in his
newfound bond with her daughter.
(buzzer rings)
Yes?
Marisha.
- Um, Actually,
she wasn't a baby when
he imprinted on her,
she was a little bit older?
- Full on baby.
- Dammit!
(buzzer rings)
- [Mike] Yeah.
- Um, Actually, he's just
totally in love with the baby now
and doesn't want Bella anymore?
- That's correct.
- [Matt] That is correct!
(laughter)
- Oh!
- Well done!
(bell dings)
- That's a stupid ending.
- [Matt] It's really bad!
- It's bad.
- It's kind of fucked, yeah.
It is,
yeah, when Jacob imprints on Renesmee,
he stops caring about anything else other,
other than Renesmee, including Bella,
and it is--
- what a hound dog.
- It is suggested that
the only reason he ever loved Bella
was to eventually, you
know, find Renesmee,
and that it's indicated that the two
are likely to have a romantic relationship
when she gets older.
- By getting older, you mean like,
six weeks?
(laughter)
- [Mike] I don't--
- It's like those creeps who had
those counters for
Lindsey Lohan to turn 18.
- [Marisha] Oh yes!
- The whole thing feels so creepy.
- 'Cause she aged super
fast in the series, right?
She like--
- The daughter did?
- [Matt] The daughter became a baby--
- She gestated super quick, right?
- You would think a vampire would be--
- 'Cause we can't look at
Bella pregnant that long,
it would make us all sick.
- Right.
(laughter)
- Gross!
- Eww!
- Yeah.
More horror than romance at the end there.
- Definitely.
- Well, this is our last shiny question!
- [Matt] Oh man.
(magical music)
- This is a game we're
calling, "But Can I Fuck It?"
(laughter)
So on the other side of this,
there will be the title screens
to nine dating sim games.
One of them, one of them, is not real.
- Just one.
- [Mike] Just one.
- Okay.
- The other ones are,
whoever can identify the
fake one will get the point.
- [Marisha] Oh goodness.
- Go ahead and flip those over,
let's take a look at these dating sims.
- [Jessica] Oh! (laughs)
How weird!
(buzzer rings)
- [Mike] Yes, Kate.
- Um, Actually, "Jurassic Heart" is not?
- "Jurassic Heart" is a real game
where you date a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
- Finally, for me.
- That's the one Grant's on.
(buzzer rings)
- God.
- [Mike] Yeah.
- What's this down here?
This feels like--
- Yeah, I think this might be it.
The brother sim on the lower left.
- "Brother Falls In Love?"
That is a real one in which you pursue
the love of a sentient printer.
- Yeah, okay.
(buzzer rings)
- Um, Actually.
- Good.
Go for it, say!
- "Hatoful Boyfriend" is not real?
- [Mike] That is a real
game where you play
the only human trying to date
at a pidgeon high school.
- [Jessica] Aww!
- I love this era in gaming.
(laughter)
- Do these, you have to pay for these?
(buzzer rings)
- [Mike] Yeah, Matt.
- [Matt] Um, Actually, "My Horse Prince"
is not a real dating sim.
- "My Horse Prince"
is a real dating sim.
- [Marisha] Wow!
- [Mike] Where you fall in love
with a horse with a human head.
(laughter)
(buzzer rings)
- Um, Actually,
"Panzermadels:
Tank Dating Simulator" isn't real?
- "Panzermadels," you date tanks,
that is a real--
- [Matt] Yep.
- [Kate] Wow.
- [Marisha] Wow.
- Then let's see a tank on the picture!
- We're running out of options,
what is the fake one here?
- Um, Actually, "Ryoki
no Hokoro: A Sick Heart"
is not a real dating sim.
- [Mike] That is the fake one!
- [Matt] Yeah!
- We've invented this one, a fake game
in which you are a doctor
who dates diseases,
that is not a real dating sim,
that one is the fake one.
The rest of these are real.
To run through them real quick,
we've got "Dream Daddy,"
where you play as the dad
trying to date other dads.
- [Marisha] Great game.
- [Mike] "Monster Prom" is also real,
where you date classic movie
monsters in high school.
We also have the clip here of "Paka Plus,"
where your girlfriend is
turned into an alpaca.
- [Jessica] That one is really cute!
- [Marisha] It's so cute!
- It's really cute!
- I would date the fuck
out of that alpaca.
(laughter)
- And of course, we
had our fake one there.
- [Kate] Good job, graphic design team..
- [Marisha] Yeah!
- [Jessica] Yeah!
- Very convincing.
- It looked very legit.
- Oh, and it's ac--
Middle there.
- Those diseases look hot.
(electronic music)
- What is our score now?
- Six-six, still tied up!
- [Marisha] Oh my goodness!
- It is tied up into
our last question here.
- [Jessica] Oh my God!
- Which as always
concerns real life skills.
- Oh, that's right!
- That's right.
- I don't have any of those!
- I'm so bad at this.
- Surprises every time.
- [Mike] While wedding
anniversary customs vary,
in the US and the UK, it
is considered traditional
to give a gift of leather
on your third anniversary,
a gift of pearl on your fifth anniversary,
a gift of tin on your 10th anniversary,
a gift of silver on your 25th anniversary,
and a gift of gold on your 50th.
(buzzer rings)
Yes?
- Um, Actually, tin is
not the basis of a gift
given for an anniversary.
- Strange as it may seem,
tin is actually--
- Man!
What is wrong with people?
- Yeah!
You don't want tin?
(laughter)
- It's hard to find tin!
That to me is the hard part.
- Yeah, you've got cans and soldiers,
and I don't know what
else you have that's like,
what, that's tin, yeah.
(buzzer rings)
- Um, Actually--
- [Mike] Yes.
- The pearl one is wrong.
- Um, Actually the pearl one is wrong.
Do you know what it should be?
- Oh, some other bullshit.
- The fifth one, you said?
- [Mike] Fifth anniversary.
- It's, paper's at one,
wood, two?
- [Marisha] I think,
I don't want to help ya win here.
(laughter)
(coughs) But that was
gonna be my guess, is
wood is five.
(blows raspberry)
(laughter)
- I'm sorry.
- [Mike] No guesses?
- Useless, I want you to make your guess
to see if that's right.
Is that crazy?
- Oh yeah.
(buzzer rings)
- Wood is five.
- [Matt] Um, Actually.
- Wood is five, but you
didn't say Um, Actually!
- Um, Actually, wood is five!
- Oh damn!
- This feels, I don't, I truly don't know
who to give this to.
- Hey man, it's Valentine's Day.
We all are winners.
- We all win!
- We all win.
- I get wood on every anniversary.
(laughter)
- I think they should
win for that comment.
- You know what?
In the spirit of loving and giving,
I'll say you both get that point,
we'll end this one in a tie.
(laughter)
(bell dings)
- Happy Valentine's Day!
- Seven and seven is 14.
We gotta get out of this room!
(laughter)
- 14th of February!
Great, well that is our game,
we're gonna say that ends with a tie,
for both of you finding
your way into where,
what that anniversary gift should be.
And that is it for this episode.
Join us next time for even
more pedantic corrections
here on Um, Actually.
(magical music)
