IT'S LIKE,
HOW AM I A ONLY CHILD
AND I STILL HAD HAND-ME-DOWNS?
IT'S HARD TO PICK UP GIRLS
IN YOUR MOM'S BLOUSE
IS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY.
LIKE, I NEED IT BACK.
DON'T STRETCH IT.
IF YOU KNOW A ONLY CHILD, DON'T
EVERY GIVE THEM A BOARD GAME.
THAT'S THE WORST THING
YOU CAN GIVE THEM.
LIKE, ONE YEAR FOR CHRISTMAS,
MY UNCLE GAVE ME MONOPOLY.
IT'S LIKE, REALLY?
I NEED MORE PLAYERS, MAN.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
SUCKS BEING AN ONLY CHILD.
LIKE, MY MOM,
SHE COMES FROM A BIG FAMILY.
MY GRANDMOTHER HAD 21 KIDS.
YEAH, SOMEBODY SAID,
"JESUS."
THAT'S ONE OF THEIR NAMES,
ACTUALLY.
21 KIDS BY THE SAME DAD.
DOUBLE-DOWN, YOU KNOW?
THAT'S CRAZY, MAN.
LIKE, I THINK MY GRANDMA GOT TO
THE POINT WHERE SHE WAS POPPING
KIDS OUT LIKE T-SHIRTS
AT BASKETBALL GAMES.
LIKE...
[popping noises]
I ASKED MY GRANDMA, SAID,
WHAT MADE YOU STOP AT 21?
YOU COULD HAVE KEPT GOING.
AND SHE'S LIKE,
WELL, NOBODY HITS ON 21.
THAT'S BLACKJACK.
LIKE, ADORABLE, GRANDMA.
[laughs]
SHE'S ADORABLE.
IT'S LIKE, HOW DO YOU
COME UP WITH 21 NAMES?
THINK ABOUT THAT.
LIKE, I WOULD GET WRITER'S BLOCK
AFTER KID NUMBER 14.
COMING UP WITH 21 NAMES
IS PROBABLY JUST AS HARD
AS FINDING ONE EMAIL ADDRESS.
IT'S LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA CALL THIS ONE?
I'M GONNA CALL THIS ONE JOSE.
HUH? THAT ONE'S TAKEN?
OKAY.
OKAY.
LET ME THINK.
WHAT ABOUT JOSE SMILEY FACE 81?
@YAHOO.COM?
IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
THAT MANY KIDS,
YOU GOT TO USE THAT
TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.
YOU'RE POPPING THEM OUT,
HAVE SOME CHORES FOR THEM TO DO.
YOU KNOW, HERE,
DO THE DISHES.
ONE MORE?
HELP YOUR BROTHER OVER THERE.
HELP YOUR BROTHER.
I NEED SOMEONE TO GO
TURN ON THE TV.
GO!
YOU CAN'T REACH?
GET ON TOP! GET ON TOP!
HOLD THE ANTENNA.
GO! GO!
WHO'S DOING THE LAUNDRY?
HERE, YOU ARE. LET'S GO.
YOU'RE DOING COLORS,
YOU'RE DOING WHITES.
GET ON IT.
I NEED SOMEBODY GO TO THE STORE.
GO!
WHAT'S WRONG? YOU'RE SCARED?
HOLD HANDS. HOLD HANDS.
I FORGOT THE EGGS.
GO TELL THEM, PLEASE.
MY GRANDMA WALKED IN ON ME
PLAYING MONOPOLY BY MYSELF.
SHE'S LIKE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M LIKE, PLAYING BY MYSELF.
HOLD ON...
[mutters quickly]
[laughs]
IT'S STRESSFUL, MAN.
YOU KNOW, I'M STILL LIVING
AT HOME AND IT'S STRESSFUL.
I THINK THAT'S WHY
I'M LOSING MY HAIR AT 27.
LOOK, I GOT A COMB-OVER.
LOOK AT THIS.
THAT'S REAL, YOU GUYS.
YOU KNOW HOW WINDY IT WAS TODAY?
IT JUST--HAIR FLAPPING
EVERYWHERE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I'M JUST WALKING WITH THE WIND.
I'M LIKE, I GO THIS WAY, JUST--
[popping noise]
BACK THIS WAY.
[pop]
BACK THIS WAY, I GUESS.
I'LL WALK THREE MILES
OUT OF THE WAY.
YOU KNOW?
MY HAIR LOOK LIKE THOSE THINGS
OUTSIDE OF CAR DEALERSHIPS.
IT'S JUST LIKE...
LIKE,
WHEN YOU'RE A BALDING MAN,
YOU GOT TO GET CREATIVE
WITH HAIRCUTS.
I GO IN THERE, I'M LIKE,
SIR,
CAN I GET THE OPTICAL ILLUSION
NUMBER THREE?
JUST CUT THE SIDES.
LEAVE THE TOP.
I'M TRYING TO GROW IT OUT.
NO, I DON'T TRUST YOU.
LET ME HOLD IT. LET ME HOLD IT!
I FIGURED OUT THAT NO GIRL LIKES
A GUY WITH A COMB-OVER.
I FIGURED THAT OUT.
ANY SINGLE LADIES IN HERE?
[chuckles]
THEY'RE LIKE, NOT AFTER
SEEING YOUR HAIR, PLAYER.
WOULD YOU DATE A GUY
WITH A COMB-OVER?
PROBABLY NOT?
IT'S YOUR LOSS.
I WAS GONNA TELL YOU
TO COME OVER TONIGHT,
BUT I GUESS NOT.
YOU GUYS, THAT'S MY TIME.
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH.
