>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
GIVE IT UP FOR THAT BAND RIGHT
THERE, MAKING IT HAPPEN, NIGHT
AFTER NIGHT, THEY DO THEIR DEAL,
DANCE THEIR DANCE.
JON, REAL QUICK.
REAL QUICK.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT GUEST COMING
OUT HERE IN JUST ONE SECOND BUT
BEFORE WE DO THAT, I WANT TO ASK
YOU A QUESTION, WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO BE DOING TOMORROW
MORNING AT 7:00 A.M.
>> Jon: OR THAT MORNING.
>> Stephen: TOMORROW MORNING
AT ON "CBS THIS MORNING" OUR
FRIEND GAYLE KING IS GOING TO
HAVE THE FIRST INTERVIEW WITH
IVANKA TRUMP SINCE HER FATHER
BECAME PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES.
>> Jon: HAVE TO CHECK THAT
OUT.
>> Stephen: HAVE TO CHECK THAT
OUT.
AND I'M SURE IVANKA WILL BE
STOPPING BY.
WE HAVE ONE GUY UP HERE WHO
VOTED FOR HER DAD.
IT WILL BE GREAT.
IT WILL BE FANTASTIC.
SHE'LL COME BY HERE.
MY FIRST GUEST IS AN EMMY AND
GRAMMY-WINNING COMEDIAN WHO HAS
RELEASED HIS SEVENTH HOUR-LONG
COMEDY SPECIAL.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FORMER BOSS,
LOUIS C.K.!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: HI.
>> HI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU, THANK
YOU.
>> Stephen: IT'S REALLY NICE
TO SEE YOU.
>> IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO.
>> Stephen: WE'VE SEEN EACH
OTHER-- WHAT I WAS EXPLAINING
BEFORE WHEN I SAID YOU WERE MY
BOZ, FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T
KNOW, YOU WERE THE HEAD WRITER
OF THE "DANA CARVEY SHOW" IN
'84.
>> '96, 5.
>> Stephen: SOMETHING LIKE
THAT.
I WAS ONE OF THE CAST MEMBERS.
A LONG TIME AGO.
>> GEEZ, HOLY MOLY THAT WAS A
LONG TIME AGO.
>> Stephen: IT REALLY WAS,
YEAH, YEAH.
>> UPPER LIKE-- I REMEMBER, YOU
WEREN'T OF THIS WORLD TO ME.
YOU WERE LIKE --
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> I JUST HAD NEVER SEEN ANYBODY
THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I THINK I LOOK
AVERAGE.
>> WELL NOW YOU'RE STEPHEN
COLBERT.
YOU'RE KING OF THE LATE NIGHT.
YOU'RE A BIG SHOT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE NUMBER ONE.
YOU'RE THE TOP OF THE CHARTS.
BUT AT THE TIME, YOU WERE JUST
THIS VERY WEIRD-LOOKING DUDE
WHO--
( LAUGHTER )
AND YOU HAD THIS-- YOU WERE
LIKE, "HI!"
LIKE YOU WERE --
>> Stephen: I WAS SOCIALIZED
IS WHAT YOU MEAN.
>> NO, YOU WERE LIKE AN ALIEN
WHO STUDIED HUMAN BEHAVIOR--
( LAUGHTER )
AND GOT CLOSE BUT DIDN'T QUITE
GET THERE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YOU'RE DESCRIBING
A SOCIOPATH.
>> NO, NO.
>> Stephen: LIKE I COULD
MURDER YOU AND MY HEART RATE
WOULDN'T GO UP
>> LIKE THE NEXT VERSION OF
HUMAN.
>> Stephen: I'M AN X-MAN.
>> THAT'S RIGHT WELL, YOU KNOW--
YEAH.
>> Stephen: WELL, I KNEW YOU--
THIS WAS-- I KNEW YOU BACK THEN.
IT WAS AN AMAZING GROUP OF
PEOPLE.
FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW,
IT HAD THE GREAT LOUIS C.K. ON
IT.
ROBERT SMIGEL, THE INSULT COMIC
DOG, CHARLIE KAUFMAN.
STEVE CARELL.
>> YOU WERE THE STEVES.
WHEN WE WERE CASTING THE SHOW IT
WAS YOU AND STEVE CARELL.
UPPER THE STEVE S.
>> Stephen: AND NEITHER ONE
OF US THOUGHT WE WOULD GET THE
GIG BECAUSE WE WERE SURE YOU
WERE GOING TO HIRE THE OTHER GUY
AND YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH OF US.
>> AND WE DECIDED TO GO-- WE
TALKED ABOUT "THE STEVES."
THAT'S WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT.
AND YOU WERE A FUNNY PAIR.
YOU WERE A WEIRD, FUNNY PAIR.
HE LOOKED LIKE EVERY MAN, AND
YOU LOOKED LIKE NO PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: I'M-- I'M TRYING
HARD TO MAKE THIS FEEL LIKE A
COMPLIMENT.
>> NO TREALLY IS.
IT IS.
YOU'RE A REMARKABLE PERSON.
YOU'RE JUST UNUSUAL.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP
HERE-- WE HAVE A CLIP HERE--
>> FREAK.
GO AHEAD.
THAT WAS MEAN ON PURPOSE.
>> Stephen: I WAS THINNER.
WE HAVE A CLIP HERE OF ONE OF
THE MANY-- IT WAS A SKETCH SHOW,
AND A GREAT FUN SKETCH SHOW THAT
WAS STRESSFUL.
>> YES, IT WAS HARD TO WORK ON
IT WAS PAINFUL.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A STORY TO
TELL BUT LET'S SHOW THE CLIP
FIRST.
THIS IS A CLIPAVE COMMERCIAL FOR
A BRIGHT NEW FUTURE FOR THE
WORLD.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND YOU AND I ARE
BOTH IN IT.
SEE IF YOU CAN FIND US IN THIS
COMMERCIAL.
>> THE WONDER OF TECHNOLOGY,
IMPROVING OUR DAILY LIVES AT THE
BREAKNECK PACE.
AS THE MILLENNIUM APPROACHES NEW
WONDERS AWAKE US IN OUR TECH
NO-FUTURE.
THE COMMON SHIRT WILL COME
EQUIPPED WITH A METER THAT TELLS
YOU HOW MANY TIMES YOU'VE WORN
IT.
NO MORE NEEDLESS WONDERING.
IT'S RIGHT THERE FOR YOU TO
READ.
DEVELOPMENTS IN GENETIC
ENGINEERING WILL CREATE A NEW
KIND OF FISH THAT BREATHES AIR.
THEY WILL MAKE EXCELLENT HOUSE
PETS.
( LAUGHTER )
FINALLY, NEW GLASSES WILL BE
DEVELOPED TO BLOCK OUT
EVERYTHING BUT SWARMS OF BEES.
NO DANGER TODAY, AND NONE
TOMORROW IN THE TECH NOFUTURE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HOW COULD THAT GET
CANCELED?
>> I KNOW.
THAT'S ROBERT SMIGEL'S VOICE.
I REMEMBER THE DAY WE SHOT YOU
WITH THE FISH.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> WE HAD-- IT WAS A LIVE CARP,
AND WE KEPT IT IN A BIGINARLE,
AND IT WAS ALIVE IN THERE,
BECAUSE WE WANTED IT TO FLOP
AROUND.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> I MEAN, I'M ASHAMED NOW.
BUT--
( LAUGHTER )
AT THE TIME, NOBODY KNEW THAT
FISH ARE, YOU KNOW, VERY
IMPORTANT PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER )
AND NOW WE KNOW.
BUT --
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE
STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS FOR
CRUELTY TO TROUT?
>> YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, LOOK, IF I DID SOMETHING
WRONG, I'M READY.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: REAL QUICK,
THOUGH, I DO WANT TO TELL THIS
ONE STORY.
IT WAS A REALLY STRESSFUL SHOW.
WE WERE CANCELED.
LET'S PUT THAT--
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WE WERE CANCELED
AT SEVEN SHOWS.
AIFT THEM WERE MADE, SEVEN OF
THEM WERE BROADCAST.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I'M VERY PROUD OF
IT.
I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY?
>> IT WAS A FUNNY SHOW.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE A HEAD
WRITER.
IT WAS A STRESSFUL SITUATION TO
BE IN.
>> I WAS 26 YEARS OLD SO I WAS A
LITTLE OVER MY HEAD.
>> Stephen: WOW, ROCKIN' THAT
LEMON YELLOW SWEATER.
I THINK IT WAS AFTER THE VERY
FIRST SHOW WE WHERE DANA WAS
BREAST FEEDING PUPPIES AND
KITTENS DRESSED AS BILL CLINTON.
>> WITH MILK SPURTING OUT OF IT.
>> Stephen: AND PEOPLE
OPERATING BULBS WITH MILK--
>> AND REAL LIVE PUPPIES AND
KITTEN S.
>> Stephen: IT DIDN'T GO
WELL.
I COME AROUND A CORNER AND WE
HAD ALL THESE LITTLE OFFICES AND
I COME AROUND THE CORNER, AND
YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
HALLWAY OPENLY WEEPING.
>> EVIDENCE CRYING, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER
WHY?
>> I WENT INTO YOUR-- THEY HAD
THESE LITTLE STALLS FOR QUICK
CHANGING.
I WAS IN YOUR STALL --
>> Stephen: I DRAGGED YOU INTO
THE STALL BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT
WOULDN'T BE GOOD FOR THE HEAD
WRITER TO BE OPENLY WEEPING.
>> IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY.
>> Stephen: BETWEEN TWO SHOWS
SO I DRAGGED YOU IN AND DID
PRATFALLS FOR YOU TO MAKE YOU
LAUGH.
>> YOU MADE ME LAUGH.
THAT'S WHEN I FELL IN LOVE WITH
STEPHEN UNTIL THAT MOMENT I
THOUGHT HE WAS AN ALIEN WHO HAD
COME-- LAUGH AND THEN THAT DAY--
IT WAS A TERRIBLE DAY.
SKETCH COMEDY IS STRESSFUL.
IT'S WEIRD THAT IT IS, BUT
SKETCH COMEDY IS A VERY
DIFFICULT THING TO DO.
>> Stephen: IT'S HARDER THAN
ANYTHING.
IT'S LIKE WRITING SONNETS.
EVERY SINGLE ONE HAS A
BEGINNING, MIDEXPEL END.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND IT'S OVER IN
THREE TO EIGHT MINUTES AND YOU
TO GO ANOTHER.
>> IT WAS VERY STRESSFUL AND I
WAS SHAKING AND CRYING AND I
DIDN'T REALLY KNOW YOU VERY
WELL.
AND YOU SAID, "COME ON."
AND YOU TOOK ME INTO YOUR LITTLE
ROOM.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> AND YOU OPENED YOUR PANTS EYE
DON'T KNOW WHY.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: GOT A LAUGH,
THOUGH.
THAT'S WHY.
GOT A LAUGH.
EXACTLY.
>> NO, YOU WERE JUST VERY KIND
TO ME.
YOU WERE VERY KIND TO ME.
STEVE SEN VERY KIND-- YOU CAN
TELL BY LISTENING TO HIM TALK.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A VERY KIND
PERSON, TOO.
YOU'RE VERY SWEET.
SHOULD I GO TO A BREAK?
WHO IS THIS MEAN, TAKE A BREAK?
WE'LL TAKE A BREAK AND BE BACK
WITH MORE LOUIS C.K.
