- [Announcer] Tonight, the
roast master general, Jeff Ross,
 finally comes off the judges
 bench and into the arena to
make his battling debut.
 Roast master, what's
 your strategy tonight?
  (audience laughs)
 He's going against this guy.
 NBA all star, Blake Griffin.
Blake, you ready for this
tonight? It's going to get ugly.
- Wait, it can actually
get uglier than Jeff?
 (audience laughs and cheers)
 - Roast battle, starts now.
 (hip hop beat)
- I've been preparing to
do my first roast battle
and I've been watching
these battles for years,
 and I've got to admit,
 I have a new respect
  for the battlers.
  The crap is psychological,
  challenges in your head,
 of when to hit, when to take
 the joke and when to attack.
  It's a lot to think about.
 - I don't have a lot
 of comedy experience,
 I just enjoy comedy.
 I watch comedy.
 I love standup, comedy
 movies, TV shows.
 I'd watch the comedy central
 roast for a long time.
 - Blake's a champion,
he's a championship
level basketball player
 and guys like him have
 been talking smack,
 taking jokes since he's a kid.
So I do think he's kind
of a smack talk expert.
 - All the trash talk you do
 in the NBA is just kinda of
  like, one on one, no one
  else is really listening,
 so this is a little different
 when you're onstage in front
  of a crowd. Mic'd
  up for a tv show.
  - Getting judged by my
  pals is going to be tough
 but it's another thing that
 battlers have to go through
 all the time.
 We're big roast battle family.
So even though I'm rising to
the challenge of doing my first
 roast battle,
I still feel very much at home.
 Like this is my home court.
 - I feel like I'm the
 underdog in this situation,
 I don't know.
 I don't really see it as much
 pressure but the pressures
 is on me. I'm ready.
 (whish sound)
  (audience chants) Battle.
  - [Announcer] Whose
  ready for the main event?
  (audience cheers)
 Our challenger is no
 stranger to slams.
 He was an NBA rookie of the
 year, slam dunk champion,
 and a five time NBA all star.
 Los Angeles, please welcome
 back, for one night only,
he's tall and ready to
ball, Big Blake Griffin.
  (audience cheers)
 (intense music beat)
 And his opponent, from
 New York, New Jersey,
 weighing in at way
 more than he should,
 he's roasting everyone
 from criminals,
 to the president of
 the United States,
  which is actually
  the same thing.
Please welcome from brick city,
 the ball buster, our roast
 master general, Jeffery Ross.
 (audience cheers and claps)
 (soft music)
 (beat and cheers intensify)
 - [Audience] (chants) Battle.
 - [Announcer] Oh
 they're ready baby.
 Blake, it's home
 court advantage, why'd
 you challenge Jeff?
 - Honestly man, when it
 comes to this, whether it's
 basketball or
 something like this,
 I always want to go
 against the best.
 So I asked like ten people
 and none of them could do it,
so here we are.
  (audience cheers)
- Jeff, why'd you accept
Blake's challenge?
 - Because I am the
 Lebron of roasting.
  (audience cheers)
  Which is still better than
  being the Blake Griffin
 of basketball.
 (audience groans and cheers)
 - Alright. Jeff, you
 know the rules because
  you invented them.
 But for Blake's sake
 and for Pete's sake,
  here are the rules
  of roast battle.
  Rule one, original
  material only.
 Rule two, no physical contact
and Blake, I am the ref.
No bitching, no
moaning, no complaining.
 (audience cheers and laughs)
And after every battle,
we hug.
  Jeff, Blake, who
  wants to go first?
 - I would love to go first.
  (audience cheers)
  - Okay. Blake Griffin,
  Peter Griffin, let's roll.
 (bell dings)
 - Just real quick,
 before we get started.
 Honestly, I have
 some unfortunate news
to share with you guys.
  After working for
  24 hours straight,
  Jeff's makeup girl just
  hung herself in the back.
 (audience gasps and laughs)
 Yes you're ugly is what I--
  (audience cheers)
 - Blake I'm just glad
 to see you healthy
  and ready for the season.
 Everybody talks about
 your busted knees,
  no one talks about
  that busted face.
  (audience laughs)
 You look like Morgan
 Freeman bleached.
 (audience laughs and cheers)
  (audience cheers)
  - That was a good
  shot. A good shot.
 Honestly, I feel like
 you could get hurt,
but the only way you
can get inside of a gym
is if you literally
****ed a guy named Jim.
 (audience cheering)
  (audience cheering
  and screaming)
(whistle sound)
  - No, listen guys. Listen.
 It's a roast battle, so
 Jeff's going to take a couple
 on the chin tonight,
  but Jeff,
  I'm honestly--I'm
  a gracious guy,
 so I'm going to let you
 decide which one of your chins
you take it on.
  (audience cheers)
one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight,
  chins in my bank account.
Chins in my bank
account, chins--
 (audience joins in and cheers)
 - Blake, good luck
 in Detroit. (laughs)
 That's the whole joke.
  (audience laughs)
  No no no, hold on.
 Good luck in Detroit
 Blake, you know what,
I think you're just white enough
 not to get shot by the cops.
(audience moans)
 But be careful because
 you're now the worst shooter
 in the most violent
 city in america.
 (audience groans and cheers)
Blake lives matter. Blake lives
matter. Blake lives matter.
(baseball themed music)
 - That's good man. And make
 sure the joke is really good
 considering you look like the
 only Neo Nazi Jewish person.
 (Jeff laughs)
  (audience cheers)
 Jeff, you're so ugly, today I
 realized for the first time,
 that Jeff Ross looks
 like Darth Vader
after they took his helmet off.
  (audience cheers)
 (lion roaring)
  - Blake your half Haitian,
  so it's no wonder all your
  teams have been a disaster
 with no leadership,
 begging for help.
  (audience groans)
  Yeah. What do you got, you
  ****ing space jam alien.
  (audience laughs)
 (cartoon kick sound)
  - Jeff, it's really funny
  that you bring that up.
  You're such a bald
  piece of shit.
  (audience laughs)
It honestly looks like
we both got ****ed over
by the clippers.
 (audience cheers and laughs)
 - Blake, I do hope someday
 you come back to California
 to pursue your show
 business dreams,
 because you never
 know when Hollywood's
 going to be looking
 for a leading man
that looks like
 Patrick Ewing ****ed
 a Chucky doll.
  (audience groans)
 You look like Pippi
 extra long stocking.
  (audience cheers)
- That's better. That's
better. That's better.
  - You look like--
 [Blake] Oh, we're still going
 - An albino that
 God cooked too long.
  (audience cheers)
 - That's good. That's good.
- [Announcer] Last joke.
 - Jeff, you know, when people
 talk about the best basketball
 player of all time,
they refer to them as the goat.
 And when people talk about
 the best roast master of all
time, they refer to him
as Anthony Jeselnik.
(audience cheers loudly)
 - Alright buddy, you
 want to get personal,
  I'll get personal.
 Blake, everyone knows you
 recently dated Kendall Jenner.
  (audience groans)
 But what they don't know is,
 I heard she broke up with you
 because she caught you staring
  at her dad's tits.
 (audience groans and cheers)
 And just like the clippers,
 Kendall eventually traded you
 for another basketball player.
 Man.
  (audience cheers)
Man, dude, the season
hasn't even started yet
and your ex is already
leading you in rebounds.
 (audience groan and cheers)
 - Wait, no take a lap.
 I'm not going to lie, that's
 really really really funny.
 But like real quick,
 let's just talk about,
 real quick,
 about the last girl
 that Jeff Ross ****ed.
 (audience groans and cheers)
The last girl that Jeff
Ross ****ed, let's see.
Okay so,
 so, if Jeff is 89 years old.
 Wait, no, for real guys, let
 me just think for a second.
  The last girl that
  Jeff Ross ****ed.
  Guys, can I get a second.
  Stop, this isn't a joke.
  (audience cheers)
 We're thinking about the last
 girl that Jeff Ross ****ed.
  (audience cheers)
 Have you ever ****ed anyone?
 Ever?
  - Blake--
- Wait.
  The last girl that
  Jeff Ross ****ed.
  (audience cheering loudly)
 - That's all I got.
  (audience cheers)
 (bell dings)
 - Oh my god. Sound the
 buzzer, this was over.
 - You killed me. That hurt.
 - No.
- I have had sex, you know that.
  - (laughs) I don't. I just
  don't know that, for sure.
- I don't know who wins,
but I want a rematch.
  - We go toe to toe and we
  come back and do it again.
  It's a heavy weight fight.
 - We just saw love city and
 slob city go one on one.
 Judges, I get to pick
 who goes first here.
 Anthony, who scored?
  - This is so tough, Jeff.
 I always describe you as my
 brother from another mother,
but Blake, you came
out here as an amateur,
 an amateur roaster,
 and you gave it the
 respect it deserved.
  I like how you pointed out
  that I'm the best roaster
 of all time.
(audience claps)
 A lot of people
 don't get that right,
 so I appreciate that you did.
 And you had some great jokes.
 My only concern, I hope your
 hands are okay because you
knocked him out
 like he was a trainer on
 your own team. And that was--
  (audience cheers)
It was amazing.
 I vote for Blake, sorry Jeff.
  Don't take it personally,
  but it is very personal.
  (audience cheers)
 - [Announcer] Blake
 Griffin, one vote.
  Jeff Ross, no votes. Nikki
  Glazer. Who do you like?
 - I thought this was
 going to be so easy.
 You know, like it's
 Jeff ****ing Ross.
 It's Jeff Ross, the
 greatest at this.
  And Blake Griffin,
I cannot believe how
hot you are. But also--
  (audience cheers)
 - Yes
 - That was distracting
 - We didn't know
 you could be funny.
 We've only seen you in
 your Kia commercials.
  So we didn't know.
  (everyone laughs)
 - Blake, you came out
 with such a dark joke
 about Jeff's make up
 girl hanging herself,
 which I just loved.
- [Blake] Thank you. Thank you.
And then ****ed a guy named Jim.
And then the last joke,
I loved what you did.
You turned the style on it's
head, you definitely tried some
different stuff.
 You sat on the ground and you
 let that last joke just sit
and ****ing sit and sit and sit.
But I was so impressed.
 This should be so much easier
 than it is, but then Jeff.
 - It's just Nikki,
 Nikki makes it hard.
  - I know.
  (audience cheers)
  - Jeff, I loved that
  you're dressed like JFK jr
 at his dad's funeral
(audience yells)
  (gun shot)
 It's adorable.
  (audience whistle)
 Jeff, you brought it the whole
 time and then when you got
into the Kendall stuff,
 with the dads tits.
 I mean, that was
 just another level.
Jeff Ross, you ****ing
won this. You won Jeff.
 It was close
 though. It was hard.
- One for Blake Griffin,
  one for Jeff Ross.
 Pete Davidson. You're
 a thinkly ambiguous,
just like Blake Griffin.
  - Thanks.
 - You going for the home
 team or big homie Jeff Ross.
- I thought Blake did a
****ing fantastic job.
  It's annoying how
  talented you are.
 I've always said
 this to my friends.
 I hope we can be friends too.
No, you're sick. I'm a big fan.
But that last joke lasted
longer than any of your seasons
and I was like--
 (audience cheering)
 That shit like that
 was long as ****,
 but you did as good
 as you could ever do.
  I wouldn't be able
  to do that good.
Also Anthony Jeselnik is
the best roast joke guy
 of all time.
Him and Geraldo.
  So that was true.
 But Jeff, you look like Jack
 Black in school of crack rock.
  (audience cheers)
 ♪ Lawrence is good at piano. ♪
  (audience laughs)
Sorry, I'm on mushrooms.
  Anyway, Jeff, seriously,
  you had me ****ing dying,
  also when you shot
  it and it went in
 and I've never been
 happier for a person.
 I wanted that ball to go in so
 ****ing bad. I was like yeah.
  You won. Jeff won.
 He did. But like, Blake did
 as good as he possibly could
  and lose.
  (audience cheers)
  - It was his show,
  it was his battle.
Jeff Ross wins.
(audience cheers loudly)
 (music beat)
 - I hope you stay in
 the roast game bro.
It's really fun having you man.
 - I appreciate it.
 Thanks for having me.
It was a pleasure to
be the first time to go
 against the master so.
 - Yeah, I love that.
Hey I've never seen a
first time roast battler
 do as well as Blake Griffin.
I am making Blake Griffin roast
battle rookie of the year.
  (audience cheers)
  Thank you.
 (Roast battle outro)
