Arnold Schwarzenegger
drove a $70,000 tank
to the grocery store yesterday.
I think he's showing off.
He needs to be like me
and drive a sensible Kia Optima.
Believe me, I get looks.
(imitating Schwarzenegger):
Listen, when you're hungry
if you're vegan...
If you switch over
from, like, beef to veganism
and you're hungry,
you got to run over people
to (bleep) eat.
-SPADE: Is that...?
-I'm gonna get there, pal.
I don't understand
why this is news.
I feel like this
is what we all expect.
It's only news if he's driving,
like, a Prius c
or something cute.
-SPADE: That's true.
That's true. -Right?
I just think that this is
more embarrassing than the maid.
-But, also...
-(laughter)
-But, also...
-I know.
With a maid.
But it's like, you know...
I guess
it's Arnold Schwarzenegger,
so you meal prep
with the zebras.
That's the only thing
that can fit it.
I mean, what a nightmare.
I don't want to say his name
too many times
'cause I don't want
to get pregnant.
(laughter and applause)
Or... don't say
his name too fast.
-You'll get canceled. But...
-SPADE: That's true.
What is he, picking up
the A-team from soccer practice?
Well, you got to understand,
though. If you're going...
If you're... This is Brentwood.
This is fire territory.
-I don't know if you know this.
-SPADE: Yeah.
California's fire season
is January to December.
So in that time,
you got to be careful.
You never know if you're gonna
make back. You got to have...
This is the perfect car
for the family
that wants to invade Poland.
We are going to...
Uh, actually, Arnold heard us
talking about this today.
He sent us a-a nice little video
message defending himself.
The urban tank
is the finest vehicle
for dominating your errands
and crushing your to-do list.
The only problem
is now my chucklehead friends
keep asking for my help to move.
I'm 72.
I'm not lugging
your refrigerator to Burbank
for free pizza and beer.
We're not in college anymore,
Cory.
It's my weekend, too.
You need to grow up,
act like an adult
and buy your own tank.
All right, hasta la beep, beep.
See you on the road.
-Okay. Wait a minute.
-(applause)
-No, no, no.
-Thanks, Chris Kattan.
Why... Why does Arnold
look like Susan Boyle
with herpes?
-(laughter)
-What?
We have the most expensive
impersonators, buddy.
All right,
Amazon's getting lit up--
oh, this is a crazy story--
selling a-a shirt for kids
that says "Daddy's little slut."
For real.
People complained, of course.
-Uh...
-I have it in three sizes.
-Oh, you have it in...
-(laughter)
I bought it, too. I'm excited.
Now it's a collector's item.
-LANE: Yeah.
-You got to get them early.
Uh, they pulled off
their website.
I can't believe this is real.
Rob, you have daughters.
What do you think?
First of all,
uh, I can't believe
how you can blame Jeff Bezos,
as if he had made the decision.
"Jeff, we got
a tough one here for you."
(laughter)
"We got 'Daddy's little slut'
up here. What do you think?"
"I'm all for it.
Let's make some money."
-Free speech in America.
Come on. -SPADE: The Amazon...
The Amazon store, he's like,
"It's not really a store store.
I mean, I don't see everything
that comes in."
-SCHNEIDER: Yeah.
-POVITSKY: I disagree.
I know my zaddy Jeff Bezos
was all about this T-shirt,
and I'm gonna wear it for him
after he divorces
his next woman.
(laughter)
And I'll wear it for pride.
(laughter and applause)
Listen...
You know who else makes one?
Uh, over at OshKosh.
R. Kelly. They have a really...
-It sounded like a joke, but...
-That works.
No, but in fairness,
they do have one that says
"Daddy's big slut"
for the husky girls.
In fairness.
So, apparently 86--
we're moving on.
Uh, we're just throwing them
right and left.
Um, 86%-- this is in sad news--
of young Americans
want to become
social media influencers.
Mm. Well, that will be a fun
Halloween costume next year.
"Oh, I see a fireman, a cowboy,
and someone taking a picture
in front of a pink wall."
-Love it.
-I think it's nice
that American kids are finally
trying to be something
they can actually afford to be.
I'm sorry, I don't have
the ears of a mouse.
(laughter)
We got it. I'm listening.
Go ahead, Esther.
-Rob, please don't.
-I'm in my 50s over here, pal.
-So's this guy.
-Rob, we all know.
We all know you're in your 50s.
(laughter)
Esther.
-(cheering and applause)
-Do not start.
-SPADE: Go ahead. -No,
I just said I think it's nice
that American kids are, like,
trying to become something
that they can
actually afford to be.
Like, why do I need to spend
$30,000 in student debt
so that I can tell everyone
my favorite lip glosses
on Instagram?
Like, that's crazy.
No, you're right.
We have to stop telling people
that they can be anything
they want.
Kids can be anything they want.
They can't. I'm sorry.
Somebody has to work
over the holidays at Nordstrom.
-(laughter)
-They do.
-That's true. -Right?
-Well... (chuckles)
And, you know,
what's really funny to me
is 86% said
they want to be an influencer,
but only 14% of kids
can spell it.
So it's like,
what are we doing?
What are we--
Yeah, just 'cause you're a bully
doesn't mean
you know how to put on makeup.
I don't need to watch
a tutorial, even though I do.
