My Grandpa's

Secret

Gracie Jayne

Copyright © 2019 Gracie Jayne

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 9780463635001

DEDICATION

I want to dedicate this book to all victims of abuse.

CONTENTS

Chapter 1. A Place To Call Home pg. 9

Chapter 2. Innocents pg. 17

Chapter 3. No Limits pg. 23

Chapter 4. Betrayal pg. 32

Chapter 5. The Itch pg. 36

Chapter 6. Summer Blue's pg. 42

Chapter 7. Peacekeeper pg. 49

Chapter 8. New Friends pg. 56

Chapter 9. Secrets pg. 61

Chapter 10. Rage pg. 69

Chapter 11. You too? Pg. 77

Chapter 12. Truth Be Told pg. 86

Chapter 13. Cold Metal pg. 91

Chapter 14. Puberty pg. 96

Chapter 15. Freedom pg. 103

Chapter 16. Family Time pg. 110

Chapter 17. Old Habits pg.114

Chapter 18. Tired pg. 119

Chapter 19. An Empty Bottle pg. 124

Chapter 20. A Single Voice pg. 132

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I want to thank Richard Walker Sr. for being so supportive and loving during my journey of healing you accept me for who I am and that means the world to me. I want to thank Courtney McClure for being an amazing friend and Anesha Saunders for taking the time to edit for me you have always had my back. I couldn't have done this without all of you. Thank you for all you have done to make this book possible. I also want to thank each and every person who bought this book

This book is based on true life events. Names in the book have been changed to protect the identity of the people involved. This book was edited by Anesha Saunders and the sole purpose of this book is to shed light on child grooming, rape, and molestation.

A Place To Call Home

1

My first memory was of me looking out a window staring at a lake, the sun was setting and the leaves were completely covering the water. These first memories were good ones. Life was great. I did not know about anger, violence or what it was like to have so much fear in your heart that it felt as if it were about to explode. I stayed with my maw maw and paw paw in a double-wide trailer. In the morning you could hear dogs barking in the back, smell breakfast being cooked in the kitchen, and the laughter of my little brother and sister, but this was not your ordinary home. It was a foster home, and a place that I thought I would stay forever but I was wrong. I spent my days laughing, playing, and helping where I could and just overall enjoying life. My nights would end with me sitting with my paw paw while he smoked his pipe and we talked about our day. He had the biggest gut that made it impossible for me to sit on his lap, so the arm of his recliner did just fine.

We would go on adventures like camping and fishing. One of my favorite things to do was riding in the RV. I remember watching the big rubber balls on the power line as we passed them by one by one. Family gatherings on holidays were everything, we played outside and I would oftentimes help maw maw tend to her garden, which was the first time I tried a cucumber. I remember getting phone calls from my aunt and uncle and going into a room where I was being filmed while I played. I remember being told that I had two older brothers and I remember seeing them for the first time. We'll call them John and Alex. It was awkward at first here I am playing with two people I don't even know.

After some time I was told we would be going to our forever home, a place where we would all be together. What I wasn't expecting was everything to happen so quickly. My brothers and I stayed in two different homes but went to birthday parties and get-togethers. We would often meet at an office where we receive phone calls from. As time went on, I put the thought of leaving them behind me and tried to enjoy the time I did have until it finally happened. What was supposed to be a glorious moment turned into a memory with so much sorrow.

It was early morning and my sister and I were playing in the living room with a huge blanket that I was throwing in the air. We let it fall on us as we scrambled to move before it landed. My maw maw was in the kitchen on the phone for what seemed like forever until she hung up grabbed my backpack and said it's time to go. On my way to the door, I looked at my sister and said: "Don't worry I'll be back." I could hear her cry as I walked to the van. The ride was silent. Although my maw maw couldn't even utter a word to me because she seemed sad, I was determined to make her feel better when we got back home. When we finally arrived at our destination I awoke to my head lying on her shoulder and my maw maw passing me off to someone I was unfamiliar with. I was confused and didn't know what was going on. I reached for the only person I knew as a mom. I remember crying asking her to take me back home but she didn't. She turned her back and wiped her eyes as she walked away. I cried, screamed, and kicked as I watched her disappear from my vision. The whole time on the plane my brothers seemed happy looking out the window showing me mountains, they didn't seem bothered at all. However, I could not stop thinking about my home, my sister, my brother, and just couldn't stop crying. As we arrived in Houston we were greeted by my grandparents, it was a quick handoff at this point and now I am crying even harder than before.

My grandma picked me up and placed me in the front seat of an old truck with a back hatch that my brothers were placed in. They tried to do everything to get me to stop crying by giving me food and a crown hat they got from burger king. When we finally arrived, my aunt placed me on the bed and took off my shoes. I cried and said, "I want to go home." At this moment I knew that wasn't going to happen.

As the weeks and months went by I adjusted to my new home. I was happy knowing I was with my brothers but saddened to know that I couldn't see my little brother and sister. My grandpa worked at a large fish warehouse and my grandma worked as a maid cleaning house's. My grandpa would bring me gifts when he came home from work. Sometimes it was a new fish for the aquarium or a doll. He knew how much I loved any type of fish. We would watch movies together and go on outings. Life was good! After some time, we went to court and finally made it official. All three of us were adopted. We jumped for joy in front of the judge and embraced each other because we didn't have to worry about moving again or having to see a caseworker. This was it, the new beginning.

I started school the following year and was scared beyond my mind. I didn't know anyone and wasn't sure if I would have friends or whether I was good enough to fit right in. I went to school during the day then home, on the weekends I woke up to watch TV on Saturday mornings and church on Sundays. My grandma made sure we attend church every Sunday and bible study on Wednesday. Life seemed great! We lived with my grandparents, aunt, and uncle. It was a full house but who cares, it was a home, a family, and most importantly ours. I finally had a forever home and life couldn't be better right?

Shortly after the adoption, the mood in the house began to change. We noticed how my grandma went from loving and nurturing to distant and cold. She did not brush my hair anymore or let me snuggle up next to her for naps and she stopped taking me baths. My first time taking a shower I slipped and fell in the tub and before I could even get up, my grandpa came running in. He picked me up got me dressed and ready for bed. My brothers started fighting with each other constantly, but my grandpa still bought me gifts still showed love. So it wasn't something I was too worried about. I was still grateful and happy despite the change of involvement at home. I can still remember the room I shared with my brothers, how my aunt slept on a twin bed, and how my brothers and I were on a bright red metal bunk bed that squeaked at the slightest movement. I slept on top and my brothers at the bottom they hated sharing a bed but they had room because the bottom was full size. My bed was full of dolls and stuffed animals so much that I had to put some away, but I loved each one of them and couldn't bear to part with any of them. My grandparent's room was right next to ours across from the only bathroom we had. My uncle slept in the garage that was transformed into a bedroom on the opposite side of the house. We had a TV and VCR that we were not allowed to touch because my aunt would go nuts if we touched her belongings, so we didn't. My aunt would take me to the mall and visit friends. When she held me I felt loved and safe. It was almost like I had a big sister.

Innocents

2

One day I was sitting on my bed doing my homework and heard my brothers screaming and fighting in the living room, followed by silence then crying. I got out of my bed and began to walk down the hall slowly approaching the living room to see what was going on. I peered in and didn't see my brothers, but I heard a strange noise. Our front door had an entryway almost like a very small little room. I crept closer to the door with my heart pounding and then I saw exactly where the noise was coming from. My grandpa had his hand wrapped around Alex's neck and had him pinned against the wall. He was lifted off the floor and his feet dangled and hit the wall as he struggled to breathe my grandpa was in his face "shut the fuck up" I heard him say. I covered my ears quickly and started crying. This made him drop my brother. When he hit the ground it made a loud thud and my grandma screams from her room "What's going on in there?!" No one said anything, my grandpa looked my way so I put my hands down. I was scared that I was next, but he just walked past me not saying a word. That night, my brothers and I talked and agreed to stay clear and keep quiet while my grandpa was around and went to bed.

The next day went on as usual but that night he came to me, brushed my hair behind my ear and said: "I'll never hurt you don't worry." By this time I was scared, really scared. Not for me, but for my brothers. I said "okay" then walked back to my room and called it a night. The following week came and went without any incidents. Then it happened sometime around 8:00 pm, my brothers were in the room watching television, my grandma was in her room resting after a long day at work, and my aunt and uncle were gone. My grandpa was in the living room watching TV and I was on my bed.

"Get ready for bed!" he screamed from the living room.

"And you better not get up!" he said.

I was about to doze off when he called my name. I climbed down and started walking into the living room. As I got to the end of the hall and said, "yes sir" in a soft timid voice. He was laying on the couch with the lights off and TV on. He waved for me to come to him. He sat up and patted the cushion next to him for me to have a seat. So I did as I was told and sat near the edge with my fingers locked onto each other with my hands in between my legs. He grabbed my arm, held my hand then placed it inside his pants. I quickly snatched away and said, "That's a no-no." He slapped me and I started crying. He then quickly told me to shut up while he raised a fist to me and placed my hand once again inside his pants. I sat there and looked down ashamed and scared as to what could happen next. When I looked up and saw my brother John standing at the hallway entrance my grandpa quickly snatched my hand from inside his pants then begin to beat me saying "I wasn't supposed to be doing that," then he sent me to bed. I was only five. I didn't even know what was going on or why he did that to me. I was scared, so I laid in my bed with my eyes wide open for what seemed like hours, trying to wrap my head around what happened. When he entered my room and approached my bed he reached up, grabbed me by my hair and whispered to me "If you ever say anything I'll kill you and your brothers." I believed him. I didn't sleep that night or any other night. I slept with the lamp on every night in fear that the monster will get me. My grades at school started to fail. I was sleeping in class and distant. I tried to group myself with friends to take my mind off going home not knowing what could happen.

The school was my getaway place, somewhere for me to forget everything that was going on in my life. My kindergarten teacher was amazing. She was very loving and nurturing. She made me excited about going to school. I would often daydream about her being my mom and what life would have been like. In my mind, we would bake cookies together, and snuggle in bed while watching TV, things like that. The hours seemed to fly past me at school. The closer the clock got to three o'clock, my stomach would hurt my heart raced a hundred miles an hour. Going home began to feel like a never-ending nightmare. Things at home remained the same. I didn't have another incident with my grandpa for the remainder of the school year. However, the beatings started getting worse and more frequent but every time my brothers and I were careful to not let our bruises show. We would go on about our day as if nothing was happening at home. It wasn't long before my grandma started being abusive as well. It started with pulling my hair and being verbally abusive but it wasn't often since it only happened on her bad days.

As the school year came to an end, I put the whole incident with my grandpa behind me and pushed the memory in the back of my head thinking it was a one-time thing and it would never happen again. I kept my mouth shut and thought of it as just a bad dream. That summer was pretty much the same. As the school year ended the thought of being home scared me. We would get slapped a couple of times here and there.

During the day I would go to daycare until my grandma got off work then go home. I tried everything in my power to never be left alone with my grandpa and always kept myself around someone.

My uncle would take me to fun places just to get out of the house and give my grandma a break, which I loved. Then he moved and my aunt moved into his room things took a violent turn for the worse. Like many other things that have been imprinted on my brain, the next school year that followed would be the start to a never-ending hell.

No Limits

3

The beginning of the new school year just started, I'm in 1st grade now. I have a new teacher and a different view of life. Shortly after my birthday, things started to become more violent at home. My grandpa would help me with my homework and I would be beaten for any wrong answers. He constantly broke pencils in my hand while he helped me write my letters just from him holding my hand so tight because I wasn't doing it right. My grandma cut off all my hair and the beatings were almost daily. One night John and I were fighting over what was on TV. I wanted to change the channel and when I tried to he hit me. I started crying, my grandma ran into the room and slapped me so hard she left her handprint on my face, the center was red and the outline of her hand welted my skin.

The following day at school I kept my head down embarrassed that I went to school with a mark on my face. No one said anything, no one asked what happened, I took it as it was okay since no one cared. A week later a caseworker showed up and asked us questions. My brothers were tight-lipped, but not me. I told her how I get slapped and how my grandma pulled my hair, but not once did I ever think about telling on grandpa so I kept it to myself. Shortly after she left my grandma lunged in my direction grabbed me by my hair in the back of my neck and threw me to the floor as she grabbed a belt and began to whip me I cried and said "I'm sorry, please stop" she screamed at me more telling me to keep my mouth shut next time or we will all be taken away. I couldn't imagine leaving, so I did as I was told.

The following holidays came and went. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. However, Christmas was not the same there at maw maw's house. Santa knew where I was, I even saw him so I thought, but still, he managed to stop by and bring me goodies. Shortly after New Year's, my grandpa came into my room one night, picked me up out of my bed and took me to the living room. My heart was racing faster than ever. He took me to the entryway of the front door and told me to get on my knees I refused and said: "no please". I didn't know what he was doing I thought maybe I did something wrong. My grandpa placed his hand on my shoulder then forcefully pushed me down. He slowly unzipped his pants and said "open wide". I cried, but not out loud it's almost like the fear was so strong that I couldn't get a word out of my mouth. He reeked of old spice and Marlboro red cigarettes. Before I knew it I bit down and saw a slash of white, then woke up in my bed the following morning. "Could my brain be playing tricks on me?" "Was it just a horrible bad dream?" I thought, but it wasn't the knot on my head painted a different picture. I ran to the bathroom and brushed my teeth for what seemed like forever. I balled up in the corner of the bathroom with my knees to my chest and cried. I questioned myself and beat myself up thinking I was being punished for doing something wrong.

That summer we all went to see my dad in jail. My grandpa held me in his arms while a man with no hair approached me. "That's your dad," said my grandma as he reached to pick me up. I cried I did not know what to think, here is this man I don't even know holding me. "Will he do the same to me?" I asked myself as he was holding me.

"How was school?" He asked me.

"It's okay," I said.

"How is it at home?" He asked.

I put my head down, looked at my grandparents as they looked back.

"It's fine," I said.

Everyone hugged and said their goodbyes. The ride home was quiet and the fear of what next seemed to be on my mind daily. My stomach felt like someone reached in and wouldn't let go. First grade was great for the most part. I made three new friends Mary, Roxy, and Jenni. Jenni and Roxy stayed down the street from each other and Mary stayed around the corner from me. We all rode the bus together.

My friends had no idea what was going on in that house and I was too ashamed to tell them "how could I?" "How do you even bring it up?" Sometimes I would imagine what their life was like and I would wonder what my life could have been like. Every day after school Roxy would be dropped off first, and then Jenni. I use to watch my friends get off the bus to their mom waiting with open loving arms. I begin to wish it was me. I wondered what it felt like to have a mom or be able to go home without fear. After some time, I just stopped imagining and stopped wishing. I use to ask my friends about their life at home and would often stay up late imagining what it would be like to be tucked in or given a kiss. Some affection would have been nice. I never heard the words I love you or I am proud of you. I would often cling to other moms during parties at school, especially Jenni's mom. She was at everything school-related and not once was I ever pushed away.

As the school year ended and my 8th birthday approached, my life began to get worse. Every day was like a fight for survival and every day seemed to feel like my life was about to end. That summer I tried to stay out of my grandpa's view but never succeeded. I didn't have school to protect me during the day anymore. I didn't have my friends to brighten up my day. I wasn't able to leave the house or talk on the phone. A prisoner is what I was then one day a little bit of hope. My grandma left for work and my grandpa told us to put on our shoes. He said we can go to our friend's house for the day. We looked at each other with such excitement and rushed for the door before I could even get my foot out the door he screamed: "no not you!" I looked at my brother's as they stared back they had a look of fear. The smile quickly turned into a frown, then the sense of dread. I closed the door walked through the living room, and down the hall to my room. As I begin to take off my shoes he called my name. At this point my heart is racing, my hands sweating, and the lump in my throat started getting bigger. I got to the end of the hall, as he was sitting on the edge of the couch he motioned for me to get closer. He stood me between his legs, as he raised my shirt then put his mouth on my chest. "This will make your boobs come in quicker," he said. Then he put his hand in my pants. I had my head turned to look out the living room window trying to distance myself from what was going. I did everything trying to detach myself from my body. Unfortunately it didn't work. When he was finished he sat me on his lap. He reached in front of me grabbed the remote off the coffee table and pressed play. I tried to turn my head and look away but he held my head in one direction. He said "you see that? that's how you do it." He made that statement with so much joy in his voice as he forced me to watch pornography. I'm not sure how long he made me watch. I'm not sure how long he made me watch. It could have been minutes or seconds. While the movie was still playing on our old wooden floor television. My grandpa got up pushing me off is lap. He told me to take off my pants and I said no. He punched me and said "do it" but i still refused. The frustration started to build and he snatched my pants off tearing the side of my panties. He made me lean over the arm of the couch while holding the back of my neck and he raped me I was only 7 years old.

I screamed and hollered in pain praying someone would hear my cries. "Please stop!" I cried "it hurts so bad" but no one came. I was screaming so loud that I could feel the blood rushing to my face. I saw my brother Alex looking through the kitchen window as he had me bent over and we locked eyes. I mumbled "help me," as he looked on but he didn't he put his head down and left. When he was finished with me he threw me to the floor and told me to wash up. The pain was unbearable I couldn't sit down or use the bathroom. I was bleeding badly. My grandma came home to me crying in pain clutched onto my favorite stuffed animal. "What's wrong?" She asked.

"I don't feel good". I said.

Later that night I got ready for bed and went into her room to say goodnight. She saw blood stain on the back of my pants and rushed me to the hospital. I lied and told the doctor I was constipated and couldn't use the bathroom. I wanted to scream and cry and say something but the fear took control and I kept my mouth shut. It took two weeks for me to be able to sit or even walk right.

Betrayal

4

My nights became sleepless and days full of terror. I begin to wish for death but the image of my brothers would never allow me to proceed. Daydreaming became my only escape from reality. I would imagine my family as caring and loving. I prayed every night and asked God "why don't they love me? I love them please protect them and forgive them for they know not what they do." I started finding my faith and thought that my prayers would be answered but it never happened. I gave myself rules that I wrote in my journal and hid in my stuffed animal. Never in the same one though. I couldn't take a chance of him finding it. My rules are as followed:

1. Keep away from grandpa

2. Never be left alone

3. Always sleep with your back against the wall

4. Never say anything

Writing in my Journal started to become a daily thing. I could never let anyone know, I would take it with me to church or the bathroom to get in what I could. I thought that maybe if I am killed, someone will know what happened to me. The pain from sitting was a constant reminder that this was not a dream but my life. Although my wound was still fresh it didn't stop him from bringing me to my knees every day. Every day it was a new rule, but four were the most important to him.

Rule 1. Don't use your teeth or I will knock them out

Rule 2. Always stand on your knees

Rule 3. Keep your hands behind your back

Rule 4. Never say anything.

He started doing new things like slapping my butt, wrapping his hand around my waist, and asking me "how's my day." It was hard for me to look at my brothers in the face and tried to keep my words to a minimum with them I felt ashamed and disgusted. We still had three weeks before school and excitement started to kick in. I overheard my grandma talking to my aunt about buying school clothes and then heard him say "I'll watch them". I sat on my bed and cried I didn't want to be left home and especially with him, but sure enough, I stayed home. My grandpa ma would tell me to take a nap so she could leave without me crying asking to go.

The minute my grandma left with my aunt and brother's to my knees I went. "You better please me this time or you'll see." I had no idea what he meant but after he was done with me he slapped me, drug me by my hair, through the living room, kitchen and into the dining room. He picked me up by my hair and slammed me in the chair at the table.

"Are you hungry?" He asked as I shook my head no.

"I know you are because I didn't fill you up."

As I sat at the table I heard him in the kitchen cooking something. He brings me a bowl of ramen noodles: "I'm not hungry," I said.

The only thing I could think about was brushing my teeth and before I knew it he slammed my face in the bowl and held it. He went to the kitchen and got four jalapeno peppers crushed them and added it to my food. He force-fed me the first spoonful and I immediately threw up, but it didn't matter he made me eat it along with my vomit. I threw up four times before all the stomach bile and food masked the peppers so it wasn't as hot for me to eat anymore. It was on this day I came up with a new rule.

Rule 5: always make sure he is finished.

The Itch

5

The beginning of the school year started. I'm in second grade now and the excitement of leaving the house during the day began to feel like my new Christmas. The school year started like any other. I would go to school during the day then fight for my life when I got home. Around Thanksgiving, I broke out in a rash that covered my body, the itch was unbearable. My arms, legs, stomach, and face were covered in red patches. My grandma took me to the doctor but all I was told was it must be some type of allergic reaction. My brother Alex started to develop the same rash but with pus-filled blisters all over his body. We were miserable, my grandma would tell us we had dog mange and don't touch her. The kids at school didn't make it any better I was called wolf face and the girls would scream being too close to me. If only they know everyone around me would leave my side I was alone now. My only good thing turned into a nightmare. I hated going to school and going home there was no more excitement and no more happiness. My days were grey although the sun was out and shining. The bullying got so bad I had to stay with my teacher most of the time.

My grandma took us back to the doctor but no one knew exactly what happened, the rashes began to burn and peel while my brother started getting worse. Despite the rash, my grandpa still proceeded to have his way with me. It didn't stop him, the sides of my mouth would be so dry just opening my mouth would cause my skin to split open and start bleeding at the corners. Being on my knees felt as if I were kneeling in a bed of hot coal, but that didn't matter I was to do as I was told.

The night before Thanksgiving my grandma was at work babysitting for the night. My grandpa called my brother and me to the living room. He had towels, rubbing alcohol, and peroxide on the floor next to the loveseat in the living room. Alex and I looked at each other in horror not knowing what would happen first. Alex went to have a seat "roll your shorts up" he said. Then he poured alcohol on the first leg and my brother screamed out in pain. I threw my hands over my ears while trying to hold back tears because the pain in his voice was too much for me to handle. My grandpa grabbed the towel wrapped it around his hands and placed in the middle of the towel on my brother's leg. He started to pull the towel down popping every single blister he saw. Blood and pus soaked the towel under him. Alex looked like he was in extreme pain and my heart dropped. I couldn't stand seeing my brother in so much pain my grandpa did this to his whole body. After my grandpa poured rubbing alcohol over everything he then poured peroxide. It is my turn now, but unlike my brother, I don't have blisters but patches of dead skin. My rash was raw and bleeding but it didn't matter if he did the same to me.

As Christmas rolled around we started to cheer up and it would be the one day I didn't have to keep running and hiding from my grandpa because the house would be full of family. We woke up Christmas morning to gifts under the tree and at the moment I felt happiness again, it wasn't much but to me it was everything. Christmas night my uncle came over bringing us money and a stocking full of candy. He was the only one to show us love anymore. After Christmas, the house went back to normal. That following night grandpa came into my room and to my bed but this time I was prepared. I followed my rules and slept with my back against the wall as far away from the edge as I could be so if he came in the bed would squeak and make noise if he touched it. He told me to get out of bed and followed behind me to the living room. I walked down that short hallway that felt a mile long with my hands in front and head down as usual.

All the talking and laughing the day before caused my mouth to be scabbed and bloody, but I didn't care I held on to that memory. That joyful day is what I tried to concentrate on when he had me on my knees. As soon as I walked into the front door all that joy and happiness was gone there was no escape. He stared at me with joy and excitement: "get down" he said so I did what he told me to. The pain from my mouth wouldn't allow me to open it so my grandpa became frustrated and tired of waiting. I started crying and begging him: "not tonight let me go to bed tonight please." I promised him "I'll be a good girl tomorrow if you let me go back to bed", but it didn't work. He covered my mouth and nose to silence my cries. I did everything I could to try and calm down, but that's hard to do when you can't breathe. I reached and grabbed his hand trying to remove it from my mouth but that was the wrong thing to do. I broke the third rule never move your hands from behind your back. Without even the time to think about what I did he shoved four fingers in my mouth causing the sides to rip open. He threw me to my back and pushed his fingers as far back as he could. I couldn't breathe and was choking on my vomit. I must have blacked out because I woke up in my bed with new clothes on. My mouth felt as if someone took scissors and cut the sides.

Everything felt like it was falling apart my world around me turned into complete darkness. At school I sat and played alone, no one wanted to be a buddy with me and the teacher assigning me someone was the wrong thing to do. The kids looked at me with disgust because of the rash that covered my body. I had patches of scabs because of the incident with grandpa. I felt like I had no-one or any escape from the hell I called life. School is at an end but this time it didn't even matter. I was the kid no one wanted to be around. The rash on my body started to clear up and my attitude about the following school year got better.

Summer Blue's

6

I could only do one thing during the summer and that's watching TV. The sight of kids laughing, and these happy family TV shows started to get to me. I would cry and feel sad and alone. I continued what I did every day and stuck to my rules. I didn't have an incident with my grandpa for two weeks but the beatings also started to turn to torture. My grandma would put me in the corner at night for hours, in the same spot at the front door. I would be standing for so long and in the dark that I would wake up on the floor. I would never ask if I could go to bed. As punishment, my grandpa would make my brothers and I do pushups for hours and if we stopped or did not do it right, we would be whipped with an extension cord.

One night during one of my grandpa's punishments he told my brothers they could go to bed. I stayed up for what seemed like forever doing these pushups. I tried my hardest to do them correctly thinking maybe he would be proud enough to leave me alone. The living room is where this would happen. I remember the room being lit up bright and the movie that was playing on the television. I was wearing a purple and white shirt with purple shorts. I tried to think about anything to take my mind off the pain and before I knew it he had his hands around my neck. "You thought you got away from me?" he said, as I looked at him in his eyes and his hands got tighter, I tried to get my fingers in between his hands and my neck and then he slapped me. All I can remember was a loud ringing sound in my ear followed by flashes of white. I cried and screamed hoping my grandma would come to my rescue but she didn't. I had cuts on my back and legs, some fresh and some healing from the lashes I received. When my punishment was over I went to bed and hugged the stuffed dog that my uncle gave me and cried. I wished my mom would come to my rescue or maybe they would just stop and be nice.

The following day, my body was sore, swollen, bruised and it hurt to walk or swallow anything. My brothers asked me what happened but I kept my mouth shut and said nothing. Around lunchtime I heard a knock on the door, my grandpa answered it was my friend Mary down the street. She came by to ask if I could come out and play. I watched from around the corner praying he would say yes but he didn't and closed the door. I ran back to my room and leaped on my bed as fast as I could but the squeaking gave me away. My grandpa came into the room and told my brothers to go in the back yard and play. I watched them play from our bedroom window and smiled. I was happy they got a chance to be able to be kids. I tapped on the glass and waived to them with a smile on my face. As I turned around my grandpa was standing at the doorway of my room, I'm not sure how long he was watching. He had on blue jean shorts with no shirt and his arms were crossed around his chest. I stood frozen not knowing what could happen next.

"Lay down," he said.

I looked down and got on all fours

"No on your back!"

I cried and flipped over. He turned me around in the direction he was standing at. I looked down the hall trying to detach from my body with my hands holding on to each other in the center of my chest. He pulled my pants down and pulled me closer while he had his mouth on me. I looked at the vanity trying anything to take my mind off what was going on. The vanity was light wood with a shiny finish. It had three drawers, a door, and at the bottom a sliding door where I'd put my shoes. On the door was a white baby lamb painted with white curls and blue and light pink flowers painted under. After some time he was done.

"Why don't we invite your friends over to play?" he said while sitting on his knees.

"I'll do whatever you want, please don't," I said as I sat straight up quickly.

"It's better with two," he said as he looked at me with his hands on his hips.

"Please don't, I'll do whatever you want, she'll just go back and tell," I said as I cried and begged him in a prayer pose.

He looked at me, got up and walked away. I sat on the floor on my knees crying begging and asking God "why?" I had no choice but to submit for the sake of my friends.

The next few days I thought of ways to keep others from coming over, all while doing what I could to keep my friends off grandpa's radar. It is impossible to communicate with anyone when you are not allowed outside or on the phone. As usual and on schedule, my grandma left for work early in the morning. I started noticing my grandpa staying home more and more lately.

The only reason I even noticed at all is that I spent my days hiding from him. It wasn't until he went to work that we could relax a little, but my brother Alex made that impossible. John kept to himself most of the time and he would fight with Alex often. I use to feel bad for him until I became their punching bag next.

One Saturday I got up and ate breakfast and sat on the floor in my room to watch TV. I had on a pajama set that was red with a white lace collar. I stopped using nightgowns because it didn't feel right having them on no matter the length. The back had an opening and at the top, a little white button to hold the two sides of the shirt together. My brother Alex came in the room showing me he cooked a hotdog wrapped in foil on the gas stove, he had a fork going through the top to hold it. I turned around wanting to be left alone and showed no interest in what he was doing. Then before I knew it he left came back and placed the hot fork on my back. I had blisters on my back for what seemed like forever and when it healed I had three long marks as a reminder. Alex didn't care. He showed no remorse and laughed at the whole incident. I told my grandma when she got home but she just shushed me out the room. That was just the beginning of my brother's torture.

Peacekeeper

7

The beginning of third grade started and I was determined to make this school year better than the last. The horrible rash was almost gone except for on my stomach. We were all excited to get out of the house after a long painful summer. My third-grade teacher wasn't like the rest. I use to see her as mean, but later realized she was pushing me to my max potential. I did a lot of writing and she taught me how to express myself with words. She opened up something in me that made me fascinated with writing short stories. We did several fun things this year like hatching chicken eggs and starting a class garden. We learned about how earthworms help the environment and even had a worm farm.

As the weeks went on I still had a hard time fitting in, the only friend I had was Jenni, the others spoke to me on the bus. Jenni and I were always together during recess or lunch we talked about everything together. There were times when I wanted to tell her about home but the fear of what would happen kept me from doing so. At home, loneliness hit harder than ever since I couldn't talk to Jenni other than at school. I started sneaking and taking home worms to keep them as pets. I would talk to them make sure they had dirt and food to eat. I kept my pet worms in my old shoebox of colored flowers on the side and punched holes in the top. I hid my box behind my stuffed animals. This was the only thing that made me even want to go home. They could not show me love or talk to me but for some strange reason, they gave me comfort. I loved them the same way a child loves a puppy.

Halloween was getting close, this year I prayed we would be able to go trick or treating unlike the year before. On Halloween day we were allowed to dress up. All the other kids had amazing costumes, but not me, I didn't have one. I told my grandma and even gave her the paper but it wasn't a concern to her. Later on that day my brother's and I waited eagerly for the sun to fall. At that point I didn't care if I didn't have a costume then she said "come here" from her room. My brothers and I approached the door and my grandmother had a bag with our costumes. With such excitement, we looked at each other with a smile that could light up the darkest room. My brothers had ninja turtle costumes. When she got to me she laughed and said: "this one is perfect for you". She handed me a clown costume with a big colorful wig and my aunt painted my face. This costume would be the only one for the next two years. When we were collecting candy I felt like a child again. I thought maybe she was coming around. A few people laughed at me, but I didn't care. I finally had something nice to share with the class at school.

When we got home I walked in laughing and talking then saw my grandpa on the couch, he didn't look happy. My brothers and I walked quickly to our room with our bags of treasure. We spent the remainder of our night trading candy and laughing until it was time for bed. I tied my trash bag and hid it under my pillow. Before I tucked myself in I went to tell my worm friends goodnight. I opened the lid to find all of my worms cut in half. I felt like I lost someone close to me. My grandpa stood at my doorway looking at me while I opened the box. While in bed I thought about taking my candy to school to show everyone that we went trick or treating too anything to take my mind off the murder of my worms. Before I could think of anything else I dozed off and went to sleep. The next morning excited, I jumped off my bed and bounced on the bed below me. I ran to the bathroom to brush my teeth and got dressed for school. My grandpa was in the living room watching the news. As my brothers and I headed out the door to wait on the bus he called my name:

"Give me your backpack," he said.

So I handed it over. He took my bag of candy out.

"You can't take this to school," he said.

At that moment my happiness was gone.

"Can I take a few pieces?" I asked.

"No," he said.

I hung my head to stop him from seeing the tears build up in my eyes. I grabbed my backpack and headed to the door. Before I could get my hands on the knob he said: "if you want this candy back you know what you have to do". I ignored him and rushed out the door as soon as I got far enough I wiped the tears from my eyes before anyone could see. Mary was at the bus stop before me.

"Did you get any candy?" she asked.

"Yes," I said with a smile on my face.

"Want to trade?" she asked.

Unfortunately, I didn't have any candy to trade, so I told her I forgot it at home. At school, I was excited to share all my details of that magical night but that joyful feeling would come to an end at three.

When I got home I walked straight to my room avoiding any contact with anyone. I didn't see my grandpa's truck so the relief from terror eased my mind. After my shower, I started my homework and waited for dinner. While my brother and I were at the table my grandpa came home. I overheard him telling my grandma that he got it. I later found out he got a new job doing security. After dinner, I went to my grandma kissed her goodnight like I did every night and went to bed. She never said I love you back or hugged me, but it didn't matter at least she let me touch her again. Later on that night my grandpa came into my room and woke me up "meet me in the living room" he said. Half sleep and tired from the day, I climbed down as quiet as I could and tried not to wake John or Alex. I already knew where to go, this time wasn't different from the rest. I didn't cry or beg, I gave myself a pep talk and said: "you have to do this, if you don't he will do it to your friends." I got down on my knees and waited as he came behind me and said, "I see you're starting to come around now." I didn't respond I just closed my eyes and opened wide. This time was different from the rest apparently, I pleased him this time and he was able to finish. I got up went to the bathroom spit out everything in my mouth brushed my teeth and went to bed.

The following morning I woke up to my bag of candy at the foot of my bed disgusted and angry with myself I kicked it off the bed. My brother John picked up the bag and handed it back to me.

"You don't want your candy?" He asked

"You can have it," I said

I jumped down off the bed and got ready for breakfast. That day my grandfather was in a good mood. He was kind to my brothers and didn't even touch me that day. John and Alex had a good day. No fighting or arguing, they actually got along but it didn't last long because the next day back to my knees I went.

New Friends

8

As Thanksgiving came and went, the first day of school after the break would be a day to remember. When we got to school Alex took me to a classroom with students he was helping. He showed me his routine in the morning and afternoon. I loved it and returned every day after. The class I went to every day was the school's special needs class. When I walked into that room I felt needed and wanted. The excitement from the kids made my life a little brighter. I would go to help and eat breakfast in the classroom and went back after lunch to help the kids get ready to go home. As Christmas break come close we all received a letter saying we needed a gift for the Christmas party. I gave it to my grandma as usual and she didn't get me anything. On the day of the party I walked in with my head down and hands empty.

I walked straight to my seat and put my head down. After attendance, the teacher called the front office and said one of her students didn't have a gift the class looked at me and laughed. A few minutes later a teacher knocked on the door and handed my teacher a little yellow water filled dinosaur keychain. I did not even care I wrapped it as quickly as I received it. After the gift exchange during the party, the girl that received my gift gave it back and snatched the puzzle I got out my hand. I remember being excited because I didn't get gifts anymore not for my birthday and not for Christmas. I got up and ran out of the room crying. I went to my happy place, the only class that didn't make me feel so alone. My teacher came and got me after 30 minutes and took me back to class.

When I got home my grandpa was waiting for me on the couch with a belt in his hand. My teacher had called and told my grandma what I did. My grandpa got up and just started hitting me. I tried to use my backpack to shield my face. I kept myself in a fetal position until I felt the stinging from the belt stop. The next day I had bruises on my back, legs, and arms. He didn't care because it was already Christmas break that gave me time to heal.

On Christmas Eve I did not feel the excitement and my brothers just knew something wasn't right. I did not see one gift for me under the tree. My brother's wrapped up some old toys in some newspaper and put them under the tree for me. That memory is one I will always hold on to. Christmas day I got two gifts, a big ugly used pink jacket, and some shoes. I didn't even care anymore something was better than nothing. As our winter break ended it was time to go back to school. The routine I had before the break I continued for the remainder of the school year. My new friends made school not so bad anymore.

As summer got close the teacher told me I would be going to summer school while most kids would be upset I was happy. I had a little more time to stay out of my grandpa's way a little more time to be a kid. When summer school started everything seemed fine. I was in class with Roxy and our teacher let us have a show and tell. However, I didn't have anything to bring.

On my way home from the bus stop, the girl on the corner of my street stopped me so I can see the snapping turtle she found. The turtle was put in a white bucket and it smelled horrible. The next day I asked my teacher if I could bring the turtle and she said "yes," so I brought the turtle. When my teacher saw it her eyes got big and put me at the end to show what I brought. Roxy had this cute baby turtle everyone loved. Angry and sad, I got up went to my desk and sat down with my arms crossed on my chest and tears rolling down my face. The teacher came up behind me and said: "since you want to have an attitude you can sit out." When she pushed in my chair, she did it with so much force that my chest was pushed against the edge of the table and I lost my breath.

I went home and told my grandma and showed her the red line across my chest, but she got up pulled me by my hair and started slapping me.

"She did it because you were being bad," she said as she grabbed my sides and started pulling on the skin.

"If I get a phone call your grandpa will handle you."

I looked at her with fear in my eyes and promised her it would not happen again. I don't know why my teacher didn't like me, but after that incident, I started to feel like a burden. Roxy and I got close that summer and our friendship continued stronger the following school year.

Secrets

9

Now that summer school is over, I went on with my days as usual. Both my grandparents worked during the day now so my brothers and I were left alone at home often. My brother John would tease me and hit on me almost daily but it was never anything like what Alex did. Alex just had an evil streak to him the fork incident was just one of many. It was as if his whole personality changed when we were home alone. He would stand and stare at me with his fist clenched and on both sides his arms would be straight and the look on his face sent chills down my spine. One morning my brother John and I were in the living room eating cereal when Alex got a tent out of the hallway closet. Alex took it out of the box and started putting it together; John and I were excited. When he was done I clapped my hands with excitement. I thought about us pretending we were camping "get in" Alex told John and me, and we did. Alex zipped up the tent and walked away when John tried to open it the zipper wouldn't budge. I started screaming and crying. Alex came back.

"Shut the fuck up!" Alex screamed.

"No, let me out!" I screamed.

This made him furious he jumped on the tent and landed right on top of me. I cried telling him "I can't breathe", while he pushed my head down. When he finally did let us out I ran to my room jumped on my bed and screamed: "I'm telling grandma". I said grabbed one of my stuffed animals and covered my face. I looked up because I heard running and thought John was coming into the room with me, but it wasn't him. Alex stood on the bottom bunk and pointed his short fat stubby finger in my face.

"You tell on me, I'll tell on you," he said.

I sat there with a confused look on my face.

"I didn't do anything," I said.

"You don't think I saw you? I know what you do with grandpa" he said.

At this point, I looked down and hung my head in shame. I didn't know what to think or how to respond.

"I know I saw you, please don't tell he'll hurt me bad" I begged. At first, he acted like he was bothered walking back and forth asking me how long it was going on but it was all a front. When my grandma came home I kept what happened to myself and tried to do everything to get on my brother's good side to keep him from telling on me.

Every day after the incident with me and Alex my life got just a little darker. The person that was supposed to protect and love me would turn his back on me. I started to feel like John and I was on our own with no one. Alex's anger began to turn into rage and I understood why. Between my grandpa and my brother's, I wasn't sure who would swing first. One thing is for sure, no matter how much my brothers hit me it was nothing compared to what my grandpa put me threw.

Due to the change in career and job the incidents between my grandpa and I became less and less. I started to think maybe just maybe he grew tired of me, but with every day that passed the tension began to build. It was a matter of time before he would explode. I knew no one would protect me not even my grandma. Half the time my grandpa was bringing me to my knees she was in the other room. I'm sure by now you're wondering where my aunt has been. Well, she's been working and has a child now. Looking for her protection seemed hopeless. If my aunt was not at home, then she was with her boyfriend.

One day my grandma and Alex left, my grandpa was watching John and me. I hoped and prayed if I laid down and played sleep he wouldn't bother me. Boy was I wrong before I knew it I dozed off and woke up falling off the top bunk to the floor. My grandpa pulled me off my bed and started to beat me violently worse than ever before. He always made sure to never bruise or touch my face, but this time was different. I remember crying asking "what did I do", but he didn't respond he just started kicking me in my stomach and stomping on my back without any explanation. When he grew tired of stomping me the punches started. I didn't know where John was I didn't see him. My grandfather was really mad and to this day, I don't know why.

After he was done and out of breath he grabbed me by my hair at the top of my head and threw me in the direction of the living room. He followed behind me sweating and breathing hard and constantly pushing me in the direction of the living room until we got to the couch. He sat at the edge, the same edge he bent me over. The look of disgust was all over his face. As he forcefully unzipped his brown shorts, I was sitting on my knees between his legs crying grabbing onto my sides in pain. When I started he forcefully kept pushing my head down causing me to gag and choke. It wasn't till I threw up that he let me stop but not without a blow to the head first. Even after that, we continued.

When I was done he stood up and brushed my matted hair behind my ear. I was to stay until he told me I was free to go. I sat in that spot in front of the couch on my knees with a mouth full of discussed. I wasn't allowed to spit it out. I had to hold it in or swallow and swallowing was not something I was going to do, at least not on my own. When he came back and asked me what I wanted to eat. I didn't speak, but nodded and hummed I couldn't open my mouth or speak because everything would fall out. He became mad held my nose and mouth and forced me to swallow. I gagged hard as he whispered in my ear while standing behind me "your mine now". I didn't understand what he was talking about. I thought I had another beating coming, but no it would be much worse.

A few days have passed and my grandma came home from work. In her hand was a brown paper bag with a little head sticking out of it. My grandma's boss gave her a cat she was light orange with dark orange stripes you can tell she was still a kitten. My eyes couldn't believe it my grandma hates pets. She took the bag to her room and let the kitten out she was full of life jumping and playing she didn't even seem bothered.

I ran to my room looking for a string or small stuffed animal for her to play with. In the morning she would climb up my bed and attack my toes it hurt but was too cute to even be upset. At night I would lower my blanket just enough for her to climb up. I loved that cat during my darkest times she would snuggle in bed with me. The warmth of her little body made my cold bed feel warm with love. It wasn't long before my grandpa got jealous that this kitten brought me so much happiness. Whenever he saw her on my bed he would grab her by the back of the neck and throw her off. My heart dropped every time so I started hiding her under my blankets. One day she must have got a hold to something that upset her stomach and she used the bathroom in our room. It wasn't a big deal I was just going to clean it up but before I could John ran in my grandma's room and told her. She came in picked her up and placed her outside. That baby stayed outside the front door for hours. Sadness overwhelmed me once again. She stayed around for several days after. I'd feed her threw the side of the window unit. Every morning she would come like clockwork I managed to push the side cover just enough to stick my hand threw and pet her head but after some time she stopped coming.

Rage

10

The next school year was like any other. I'm in the 4th grade now and life feels like it couldn't be any worse, but I was wrong. Shortly after school started Alex became more aggressive. He turned into someone I didn't know anymore. He looked like my brother and talked like him but in that house, things were so much different. Alex was blackmailing me to do things for him, but it didn't matter as long as he kept my secret. I was too afraid to tell him no. It wasn't long before he started following my grandpa's footsteps. It started with him touching my chest then saying it was an accident, then it escalated. He drilled two holes in the bathroom door and would watch me take a shower.

I didn't find out until three weeks later when I looked threw it. Ironically at the same moment, so was he. Alex tried to blow air in the hole so I wouldn't know it was him but it was too late. I started panicking scrambling around trying to cover myself. I tried to use pieces of wet tissue to plug the holes but every time he'd push them threw. Getting dressed and undressed behind the shower curtain became a norm for me. Not only was I trying to hide from my grandpa, but now my brother too. I had no place to escape in that house anymore. I wasn't the only one he did this to I'd catch him trying to do it to my aunt as well I know she didn't like me but I still stopped him every time. The journal I kept in my stuffed animal was no longer safe. The thought of my brother finding it sent chills down my spine. I had no choice but to destroy it. One by one I tore out the pages flushing them down the toilet.

After some time my grandparents and my brothers went to Mexico to visit relatives for Easter. My grandma packed us all a basket and loaded it into the back of the new van we got. We were all excited. We would not have to worry about being beaten and I would not have to worry about my grandpa and brother. The whole day we waited until nightfall to hit the road than before we knew it we were off. Looking out the window I felt a sense of relief take me over but this wasn't the first time, we have visited Mexico before. We finally arrived on Easter day we checked into our room in Brownsville then crossed the border into Mexico. These were the only times we were not beat or talked down on. This was the only time I could laugh without my grandma telling me I sound like a hyena. When we arrived at my cousin's house my grandma passed out Easter baskets. I did not get one my brothers did but not me. "I'll give you yours when we get home," she said. I knew she wasn't being truthful, there was no basket for me and I knew it. I turned around with my head held down and walked away. I'm used to this treatment but felt more embarrassed than anything.

When we finally got home the reality hit hard. I couldn't relax anymore, the vacation was over. Two weeks have passed without an incident from my grandpa, but my brother is a different story. That weekend would be another memory that has scorched my brain. That Saturday morning my grandparents left for work like usual. My grandpa installed a lock on the outside of the bathroom door to keep my baby cousin from going in but I knew nothing good would come of it. My brother John was watching TV in the living room and Alex was in my grandparent's room with the door closed. John got up to use the bathroom and Alex came out of the room and locked him in. Then Alex came into our room and said he was going to tell grandma today. I cried and got down on my knees in front of our black dresser begging him not to tell.

"Turn around," he said.

So I did with tears running down my face.

" Put your hands on the dresser and bend over."

I turned my head with my hands on the top of the dresser looked at him and broke down. He pulled down my pants and humped me without penetration. During his other episode, he gave me a Giga pet. I'll never forget how much I wanted one all the other girls had several but I didn't even have one. I was happy knowing I finally had something everyone else did. Later on that day my brother came to me again and forced me to bend over his way of trying to stop me from crying was to tell me he had more things to give me I didn't care about any of it I just wanted him to stop. The next day I woke up and my Giga pet was gone I asked Alex if he saw it but he said: "what Giga pet?" I knew he took it but it didn't even matter once I figured out why he gave it to me in the beginning.

Unfortunately, this happened several times over the next few months until he stopped but not because he wanted to. My grandpa was still having his way with me. The pain from sitting every time he decided to go all the way felt like never-ending hell. After the first incident, he made sure to take precautions instead of going straight in he decided to use his fingers first to open me up first. The only thing this did was prevent me from bleeding like the last time. My grandpa would insert one finger at a time until he got all four in my rectum to try to stretch it enough not to cause tearing. Doing it this way didn't make it any less painful.

When my grandma was around I had to act normal, but by now I could not control my bowels after each incident. I would try my best to wash my panties in the tub. I remember crying looking at the little pink flowers on one pair. I put them in the laundry to wash so my grandmother didn't see them until one day she did. The day she found them my grandma called me to the laundry room which was a small shack that was attached to the back of the house. The back door was right next to my aunt's old room the converted garage in the dining room. I stepped down and said "yes grandma," she turned to look at me with my panties in her hand. She had on a large flower nightgown with rollers in her hair and no eyebrows. She only drew them on when we left. When she talked you could see the gold tooth she had. She held the panties for me to look at. I thought she found a pair that I washed and then hid. My heart pounding and mind racing trying to come up with any excuse.

"Why do you have this in your panties?" she asked.

She was referring to the old discharge and my grandpa's fluids that dried in the center of the panties.

" I think I'm going to start my cycle soon that just started," I said.

This was the only thing that could come to mind.

She turned around

"I'm taking you to the doctor this isn't normal," she said.

"Ok," I replied.

I walked through the dining room into the kitchen out to the living room and straight to my room.

"What did she want?' asked Alex

"Nothing," I said and continued watching tv.

Alex started pestering me, asking what she said and my response was the same. While my grandma was sleeping my brother showed me a pink note that read "grandpa is sleeping with my sister" my heart dropped. "Please don't, she didn't say anything and neither did I," I whispered. He reached in my grandma's room, crouched on the floor and placed the note on my grandma's nightstand behind the lamp where she kept her meds. I begged him for what seemed like hours to get it but he didn't and we all went to sleep.

* * *

You too?

11

Like every year that has come and gone, summertime has begun to feel like months of death. Unlike other kids my age I wasn't able to feel the rays of sunshine unless I left my house we didn't go anywhere or do anything. My brothers were allowed to play in the back but only so my grandpa could come out of his room to play without any interruptions. Now summer feels like a death trap. Not only do I have to escape the evil grasp of my grandfather but now I must come up with rules to escape my brother to. This summer would be a whole lot different than the last.

Trying to come up with rules for my brother was hard and impossible. How do you stay clear of someone you're around all the time? It felt like I was locked in a cage with a tiger stalking its prey. My aunt moved back in and so did her new boyfriend we will call him Miguel. Miguel was quiet and to himself, he would come over often to see my aunt. He stayed in the room most of the time only coming out to take a shower or use the bathroom. It wasn't long before he started giving me the look, he creeped me out. That part of the house I stayed away from as much as possible. One evening I walked to the dining room to get some water, we had a top-loading cooler next to the shelf in the dining room. "Get in and out," I told myself: "Through the kitchen, into the dining room, passed the deep freezer, around the table, then I'm done," I told myself. I knew he was in that room because my aunt left for work. As soon as I got to the entrance of the dining room he opened the door looking at me through the crack with a grin on his face. I turned around and ran to my room as fast as I could without trying to draw the attention of my grandpa. I used my little cousins to keep everyone away from me I watched them often.

The following day, one of my cousins asked me for water so I gave it to him. He turned and started to walk away then I heard him call me mama. It wasn't anything new to me, they said it often. At that very moment, my aunt was coming out of her room and heard him. With Miguel behind her, she started screaming "that's not your mom," she told them. Then he reached over and slapped me "you need to tell them your not their mom when they say that," she said. While holding on to my cheek I walked away. I couldn't help that I was around them so much. My grandma would be so tired that I would have to step in not because she told me to but because I loved them.

A few days past then Miguel started making sexual advances towards me. He tried to kiss me but I pushed away and pulled back. On a few incidents, he exposed himself to me. "You know you want this," he said while holding his erect penis in his hand. I turned my head and walked away. He would do things like stand at the room door naked or leave pictures of his penis for me to see. I ducked and dodged the three of them as much as I could until one day he tried it.

My grandma went into the hospital. My grandpa was with her, my brothers were in the back playing and my little cousin and I were in the house. My aunt was gone, so only her boyfriend remained. My cousin and I were standing at the doorway of my grandma's room. I looked down the hall to see if I saw him, to get her something to eat. We got halfway down the hall before he came from around the corner. My cousin and I were standing by the bathroom door, I pushed her behind my back using my body as a shield. Miguel started to approach me while rubbing his fingers on the wall. I did the only thing I could think of and pushed my cousin in the bathroom and closed the door.

He reached up and locked it from the outside. We were face to face now "I know you want this I see how you look at me" he said while biting his lip. Fear kicked in and I couldn't even speak to say no. He pushed me into my grandparent's room and threw me to the bed. I started hitting him, so he grabbed my wrist and pinned them to the bed. I started screaming and crying. So he grabbed the pencil on the nightstand and stabbed me in the cheek. I moved my head so quickly it only broke through the skin. With all the moving I was able to get one leg between his and kicked as hard as I could. Once he released me I ran to the bathroom and unlocked the door. My cousin was crying and screaming I went in and locked the door from the inside the bathroom. We hid in the bathtub for what seemed like hours while I held her on my lap. I thought he would kick in the door but he didn't. When My grandpa came home I jumped up and left the bathroom. I asked my cousin not to say anything I said "I'll protect you but you have to listen to everything I say" She nodded her head and we never spoke of it again.

Later that night we all went to bed but I didn't go straight to sleep, I laid in my grandma's spot and smelled her pillow and cried. I was worried she wouldn't come back. I got up and went to bed after tucking in my little cousin. That night my grandpa came into my room yet again like he's done every other day and night.

"Get up motherfucker," he said I did as I was told. We walked through that same hallway we have done any other time and stopped at the couch.

"What did you do today?" he asked.

"Nothing," I said in a low voice.

"You're lying to me; whos dick did you have in your mouth?" he asked.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said after I looked up.

"I saw how he looks at you," he said with his arms crossed looking down at me.

"I didn't do anything with anyone" I tried to say.

Before I could finish he punched me on the side of my head. When I feel my forehead hit the corner of the coffee table. I was dazed but alert. He came up behind me lifted my head by my hair and got in front of me on his knees. Everything looked blurry and I was blacking in and out. When my mouth was wide open he took this opportunity to put his genitals in my mouth and forcefully pushed and lifted my head by my hair. It wasn't until I started choking that I started waking up from blacking out. I started pushing myself up, but this only made him mad. I could not break free. Every time I positioned my hands on his legs to push away he swiped them with his other hand. I did not have the strength to fight back and could no longer hold my jaws open. I bit down and he threw me back, got on top of me and started beating me.

When he was done I got up and crawled to the bathroom. I heard my grandpa talking to my brother John "you shouldn't be where you're not supposed to" he said. Then there was silence he didn't beat my brother but walked away. I could hear his heavy footsteps cross the bathroom door. I reached up and pulled myself up using the sink. When I saw my jaw swollen and the lump on my head I broke down and cried in silence but this was not my main concern "did he see me?" I asked myself before he started banging on the door. I turned around and opened it, bent over in pain. My grandpa picked me up and said: "It's ok, I'm sorry I'll never hit you like that again." Then he placed me in bed covered me up and kissed my forehead goodnight.

The very next day my grandpa put my brother Alex outside. John and I were in the room watching television when my grandpa walked in. I was sitting on the floor when he stood in front of me then walked passed me to my brother. My brother was sitting on the bed when he stood up and walked back my grandpa unzipped his shorts and pulled out his penis: "suck it!" he said I jumped up and stood between my grandpa and brother and placed my hands on his stomach. I looked at him in the eyes and told him my brother wouldn't do it right. I told him ill do it and got down on my knees as my brother watched I heard him crying behind me and my heart dropped. I never wanted my brother to see me like this but it was the only thing I could do to protect him.

After I was done I looked at my brother and cried I told him how sorry I was and how grandpa would never ask him to do anything like that again. John asked me how long it has been going on I told him "as long as I can remember" "that's sick I saw you yesterday," he said. I begged him not to say anything I told him it was the only way I could stop my grandpa from doing it to anyone else and that grandma wouldn't believe me. He gave me his word and we never spoke of it again.

* * *

Truth be told

12

The next day I woke up and tried to put the whole incident behind me. Yes, they were mean to me but I still loved them and still forgave them. I would hide my marks fearing they would get in trouble. I forgot all about my brother's note. Since my grandmother was back and didn't say anything I assumed my brother took it back like he always did. My grandma didn't say anything about it so I exhaled a sigh of relief. Later that day my grandma took me with her to run errands for our next trip to Mexico. It was the last week of school, but we were going out of town so I did not attend. In the van I sat in the front passenger seat, my grandma pulled into the mall parking lot and put the van into park. I thought we were going in so I unbuckled my seatbelt she turned to me and looked me dead in the eyes.

"I need you to tell me the truth," she said.

I couldn't help but look at her confused.

"Is grandpa touching you?"

My heart dropped, I put my head down and cried.

"Yes," I said.

"But it's not just him; Miguel does it too," I said in a low tone; too ashamed to make eye contact or even tell her about my brother.

"For how long?" she asked.

"For some time now," I said.

"Ok I'll talk with him," she said.

At this point, I broke down and cried like I never have before. I told her he would hurt me, and she assured me he wouldn't. I felt like a weight had been lifted finally everything is going to stop I thought.

Later that day my brothers and I were packing getting ready to load up and head out like we normally do late at night. Everything seemed fine, I was happy and smiling knowing my grandma finally knew and would put a stop to it. That night on the road I heard them talking, my cousin and brothers were sleeping but not me. My grandma turned her head and looked at my grandpa.

"Are you touching her?" she asked.

He looked at her and screamed cursing in Spanish.

"What do I look like she Is a child I would never do that. She's lying!" he said.

"Why would Alex write me a note saying you are then?" she asked.

"She's blaming me, but it must have happened to her in her old foster home," he said.

"It's not right. If you are you need to stop" she said.

The rest of the ride was silent no one said anything. I thought she was going to put him out, call the police or something. I wasn't expecting her to be so calm. When we arrived in Brownville we checked into the same motel. My grandmother got out and went to check-in. My grandpa turned around looked me and my brother Alex dead in the eyes.

"You better tell her your lying or I'll take care of you when I get home," he said.

"Yes sir," we said.

When we finally got in the room with all our bags my grandpa looked my way.

"Tell her the truth," he said with his hands on his hips and rage in his eyes.

I picked my head up.

"It's all a lie that I told Alex. it's not the truth," I said.

"Stupid mother fucker! why would you tell me?" she asked.

Remembering their conversation from the van I told her I must have had a bad dream.

When our trip was over we all got home late and went to bed. I didn't think anything of it but hoped it scared him enough to leave me alone. One thing was for sure I didn't have to worry about Alex. He didn't have anything to hold over my head anymore. That night, exhausted from the trip we all went to bed but my grandpa stayed up. I was so afraid of what he would do. Every time he passed my room door to go into his room, he would turn his head to took at me. It was the summertime so my punishment would not be quick and easy.

* * *

Cold Metal

13

The following day my grandma called my aunt to her room. I could hear them talking in Spanish. My heart racing a hundred miles an hour. I just knew my grandma was telling her what I said. My aunt was mad, she stormed out of the room ran straight to my bed and slapped me. She hit me so hard I had a long scratch going down my face "stay the fuck out of my room!" She said. However, the only time I went in there was to watch the kids because she couldn't stay out of the streets. My aunt would call me to her room around midnight and sneak out the window at night. When she came back I would go to my room. This became a constant thing even after she found out what her boyfriend was doing. She didn't kick him out or leave him. Instead, she had another child by him, a little girl. I held her little body in my arms while I fed her a bottle. My aunt left again and asked me to watch her, how could I say no.

I remember watching her as she slept and couldn't help but to cry. I hoped and prayed she would never have to go through what I did. She had on a pink outfit with pink socks and had a head full of hair. I looked at her for what seemed like hours smiling and talking. I wanted to give her all my love, everything I could. That happy moment would soon be gone. My grandmother came into the room and saw she was gone so she took the baby to her room and waited for her to get home.

When she finally arrived my grandma and she got into a huge argument. My aunt stormed passed me with tears in her eyes and her baby in her arms. I felt so bad. If I would have been laying down, she would have never noticed it was me. The next day my aunt sat me down at the dining room table and told me my grandpa touched her too. It wasn't until I got there that he stopped.

"Keep your mouth closed and don't say anything eventually he'll stop," she said.

I put my head down and started to cry.

"He's never going to stop," I said.

She told me she was moving out because my grandma put her out. The day she left I went to the door of her room and looked in. I saw some of my little cousin's toys and the house was silent. My heart hurt from sadness.

During the next few weeks, my grandpa hadn't touched me or said anything until one day he finally did. My grandpa had just gotten off work and my grandma was headed out the door to work. He sent my brother's outside in the back to play and called me in his room. When I went in he was standing beside the bed on my grandma's side "get down" he said still in uniform. "Put your head down," he said. I did just that. While I had my head down I heard him undoing the snaps to his duty belt so I thought. Then I felt it, the cold hard metal on the top of my head. My grandpa had a revolver so when he pulled back, I could hear the clicking of the gun. "This is it," I said with a smile on my face. I have been hurt so much that the thought of death excited me. Anything to get away, but then I remembered my brother's and started begging him not to shoot me. "Didn't I tell you to never talk?" he said.

"I didn't say anything!" I screamed with my hand in the air.

My grandpa put his gun away, sat on the bed, and told me to take off his shoes. He had these high laced boots that took forever to lace and unlace. "You have two minutes," he said. I moved my hands and fingers as fast as I could but the knot was too tight. Before I knew it I saw a flash of white, then lights out. When I regained consciousness, my bottom was sore, bleeding and I had a major headache. I was still in the same spot, but without any pants or panties. When I got up and looked over the bed I saw him sleeping and went to the bathroom to soak in the tub. I heard my brothers outside fighting so I stood at the edge of the tub to look out the only long narrow window we had in there. I tapped on the glass and waved at them but John just flicked me off. So I got down and soaked more. When I got out of the tub I was in so much pain, I didn't know where I was bleeding from. It was hard for me to walk straight. It looked like I rode a horse for hours. Trying to climb on my bed took so long, and when I did manage to get up there I went to sleep. I woke up sometime later to my brother's fighting as they came in from outside. My grandparents did this often. He would put them outside with no food or water on a hot day. He did not have to say anything at all. I got the message that day and that never crossed him. I never told anyone not even my brother's.

Puberty

14

My 5th-grade year started and the news of my dad's release brought us nothing but excitement. I made a new friend her name is Susie. Susie and I were close like Jeni and I. I never had money so every friday she would buy or bring me candy. Susie had eczema and a lot of the other kids didn't want to be around her. They would call her ugly names but she just ignored them. I admire her strength. The only time the others wanted anything to do with her is when she had something they wanted. Susie became a close friend and even till this day she still is. When my grandma told me my dad was coming home I wanted to smile but that was quickly taken away I started to wonder if he'd do the same to me. It felt like every man around me was trying to get me. Around the time of my birthday, I went home from school and my grandpa was waiting for me in my room. He had a package in is hand it was wrapped in brown paper. He told me my dad sent me a package, my first one from him.

My dad sent me letters often. I remember how he uses to call me baby girl but his favorite was angel eyes. We were allowed to write him back but my grandpa always read mine. He put the package under his arm and walked to the living room and placed the package above the heater where I couldn't get it. "I'll give it to you later," he said. I already knew what he wanted. That night after I pleased him he gave me my gift. I didn't want him to see me happy so I put it to the side and waited until he left. As soon as he disappeared into his room I tore open the package with excitement. It was a beautiful baby doll with a white dress and a pink hat; she was my baby. This doll was everything to me. I kept all my dad's letters and drawings, but now I had something to hold on to. I named my doll Molly she went everywhere with me. It wasn't long before my grandpa started taking her often to get me to please him for my doll back. After the third time, I got so upset that I just threw it away. Throwing my doll away broke me down I ran to my room and cried I didn't want to get rid of my baby but I was tired of my grandpa using me for it.

That weekend we went to see him despite him being released soon. The first thing he asked me was why I threw the doll away. I felt so sad, I didn't want to but I got tired of going favors for it. My grandma found it and told my dad. I didn't explain or give him a reason I just kept my head down and mouth shut. My dad did everything to put a smile on my face he looked at me and said: "what's wrong angel eyes?". I looked at him and broke down. My dad knew something was wrong but didn't know what it was. He hugged me tight the whole visit while my head rested on his all-white shirt. I can still remember the embrace from his hug and thought this must be what love feels like. When I looked at my grandpa from the side of my eye he had his hand on his mouth while he looked at me. I could tell he was angry but that hug felt good to let go.

That night my grandpa didn't have to work. I already knew he was going to do something he didn't want no man touching me. My grandpa tried to convince me that he's protecting me from others but I knew that was a lie. The only one I needed protection from was him. That same night my brothers and I were watching television before bed like we always do. I remember sitting at the edge of my bed laughing into a stuffed animal. I wasn't allowed to laugh my grandma hated how I sounded when I laughed. She did everything to try and take any type of joy from me. My brothers started playing and my grandpa called us all to the living room. We all stood side by side with our hands behind our back: "so y'all arent sleepy right?" he said. I was scared he was going to jump up off the couch and hit them: "it was me sir" I said my brothers looked at me but I said nothing else. "You two go to bed," he said pointing to the corner by the door "face the wall," he said.

As the time got later and later I knew once everyone was sleeping I wasn't safe as long as the living room light was on I had nothing to worry about id take a beating any day as long as I didn't have to get down on my knees. Sure enough, the lights went out and I started crying and throwing my head back. That night he kept me on my knees for so long It hurt to stand up and when I was done I stood right back in that corner all night long.

As my dad's release date come closer my grandpa told me to let him know when I start my period. He said, "you know you're a woman when that happens let me know so I can get you pregnant." I looked at him with disgust in my face. "If you get kicked out I will put you in an apartment and take care of you," he continued "you don't need a boyfriend because I'm your boyfriend" he said. I can only assume he found my brown paper bag with pads that I got from the school's sex-ed class. During that time I and a group of girls listened to how our bodies would change. Thanks to my grandpa these were things I already knew. The lady asked us if anyone was hurting us and we all said "no". She said that we were safe and it was ok to talk to someone. Of course, I knew better. The last time I cried for help I almost died while I may be safe that didn't mean my brothers were.

My grandpa made it very clear that I wasn't allowed to sit on my dad's lap or kiss him. He said I shouldn't leave with him or be left alone because he would hurt me. I know now he was brainwashing me. Then out of nowhere mother, nature decided to make her appearance. I was in my grandpa's room massaging his back with icy hot. My fingers hurt from doing it so long and my hands were on fire. "Excuse me, sir, may I use the bathroom?" I asked. If I didn't say sir or show any type of respect I would be punished, so by now, I knew better. He looked up at me and said "yes". While in the bathroom I noticed blotches of red. I knew exactly what was happening. The fear of he's going to get me pregnant kicked into high gear. My body was changing and there was nothing I could do about it. I had no choice but to ask to call my grandma to pick me up some pads. I had to tell him why I needed to call so that's what I did.

* * *

Freedom

15

A few weeks passed, then it happened my dad was home. I felt uncomfortable around him at first, but it wasn't just him it was all men. I didn't know what to say or do. My dad slept in our room on the twin bed Alex use to sleep on. Alex shared a bed with John once again. When my dad started unpacking he gave me a large metal box with a key. He told me that I could put anything in it and lock it away without anyone looking in because I had the only key. Excited, I knew exactly what I wanted to put in it; a new journal, so I did just that. I wrote down all the events I could remember. My new journal had colorful pages but no lock, so the box was perfect.

The following day my dad gave me his photo album with all our pictures in it and my dad added some of him. I started to come around and be a little more comfortable with him, but not enough to let him know what grandpa was doing to me. "Let's go to the park," my dad said. I remembered what my grandpa told me and said: "I couldn't go." He went into the room and told my grandparents he was taking us to the park and he did just that. While we were walking, I felt free and started to feel safe. I didn't have to worry about what would happen next or when my grandpa was going to come in. He didn't even try because my dad was home all the time. For the first time in a long time, I did not get beat or raped. I didn't live in fear anymore, I felt safe but it wouldn't last long.

With Christmas being right around the corner my dad got a job driving trucks. I was happy for him, it seemed like he was finally getting his life back. He had a car now and worked during the day. For me, it was perfect because my grandpa had no way of getting to me especially since my aunt moved back in.

My dad took us to the park, the beach, and even spent time with us one by one. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous I wanted him all to myself. I was proud of my dad and all his accomplishments. The first day he had the car he left for work walking. Then he quickly turned around laughing because he remembered he had a car. I stood at the front door waving goodbye with a smile on my face, I was so proud of him.

The last day of school before Christmas break I rushed home for the first time. When I finally got home I went to my room looking for my dad but he was not home yet. I had such a good day and I wanted to write it down. Before I could even get on my bed I saw my box had been pried open. I looked inside and everything was gone my pictures, journal, and all my dads letters and drawings. My heart was broken the few things I cherished so much were gone. I knew exactly who was responsible.

My grandpa would look at me like he was ready to rip my head off. He could not stand seeing me with my dad and I didn't even care. I just knew this was it no more worrying or stress. I would daydream about the day he would come home and said pack your stuff were moving. I would imagine myself having my own room and being able to play outside these images gave me hope of a better life.

On Christmas Eve, my dad came home late with a big black trash bag. I heard him in the room showing his mom all the things he got us for Christmas. For once I couldn't sleep on Christmas Eve from excitement. Christmas morning I jumped from my bed to see a mountain of gifts under the tree. I knew I got some stuff this year because I heard my dad talking about it. I ran back to the room as fast as I could and woke my brothers up.

"Get up, we got gifts," I said.

I turned around and jumped on my dad.

"Merry Christmas daddy time to get up," I said.

He looked at me and smiled.

"Good morning," he said.

He got out of bed and I grabbed his hand and walked to the living room with my brothers following behind him. We waited with excitement until my grandparents and aunt got up. My brothers and I saved up all our money and gave it to my aunt to buy my dad an electric shaver. I was more excited to see his face. When everyone was up to my brothers and I sat on the floor and started tearing into gifts like we never did before. My dad got me a beautiful jewelry box. It was shaped like a heart and had burgundy velvet on the inside. In the middle was a little ballerina that danced in a circle while the box played a piece from Beethoven. I sat for what seemed like forever with my back against everyone crying, it was beautiful. I also got a porcelain doll with brown curly hair like mine and green eyes, she was perfect. It may not seem like much but to me it was everything. I jumped up and hugged my dad tight wrapping my arms around his neck and laid my head on his shoulder. I cried and said thank you then sat on his lap while he opened his gift.

My grandpa was sitting next to us, he got up and walked off. My dad asked, "what's wrong?" My grandpa shook his head saying nothing and walked to the kitchen. After having a perfect Christmas, I began thinking; this is something I forgot about long ago. New Years was next. I thought we would bring it in with my dad but he never came home. I sat on the couch by the window for what seemed like hours waiting on him. He didn't come home until the early morning. He was drunk and his eyes were bloodshot red. I rolled over mad because this was supposed to be our time together.

A few weeks later my dad took me and my brothers fishing, we were gone all day and I loved it. I remember that day as vividly as looking at a picture. The water was calm you could hear the sound of seagulls and children's laughter. We all shared two fishing poles while my dad was helping my brother bait his rod I decided to try casting on my own. Before I knew it the line snapped and I lost the hook. My dad turned around and screamed "no." I dropped the rod and took off. I sat on a pillar for a long time. My dad kept trying to get me to go over where he was at but I refused he hurt my feelings. I had my knees pushed up to my chest and my head resting on my knees when I felt him touch my shoulder. I picked my head up and he hugged me and said he was sorry for screaming he was afraid I would hurt myself. My dad told me how much he loved me and only wanted to protect me. When I heard that, I broke down. I started to open my mouth and tell him everything but before I could he said: "If anyone ever hurt you I would kill them." I froze and didn't say anything; I didn't want anything to happen to my grandparents. I loved them and cared about them in spite of what they were doing.

* * *

Family Time

16

My dad was so fun to have around on easter he took me to his friend's house. All the kids were playing but I stuck close to my dad. I didn't know anyone and I didnt dress like other kids I had used hand me downs that didn't even fit if my shoes aren't too big then they were too small. I was always worried about what others thought of me. When it was time to look for eggs my dads friend told us he marked a number on some eggs and whoever found then get that amount and if someone found the golden egg they would get ten dollars. Everyone took off running but not me I walked slow and picked up five eggs then walked back to my dad who was sitting in a blue lawn chair. "daddy I'm ready to go home now" I said. I didn't feel welcome by any of the other kids my dads friends were nice. He reached in my plastic grocery bag and pulled out my eggs "babygirl you only found five?" he said. I looked down and didn't say anything I thought I was in trouble and started crying. My dad picked me up and sat me on his lap he hugged me and told me how much he loved me. As my head laid on his chest I could hear his heart beating.

When all the kids were done they all complained because no one found the two five-dollar eggs. My dad looked in my bag and sure enough, I had them. All the kids looked disappointed and got ready to look for the golden egg. My dad told me to go get ready so when I got up all the kids started saying it isn't fair because I already got ten dollars. My dad picked me up and took me to the car put me in the front seat and closed the door. He walked back talked to his friend shook his hand and we left.

I thought my dad was going to take me home but he didn't. "Let's get some ice cream," he said. I looked at him and smiled. It started raining the sound of raindrops on the car made it so peaceful. My dad took me around until I eat all my ice cream. Then back home we went I thought he was just dropping me off but he didn't.He snuggled with me on the couch as we watched "The Little Mermaid".

My dad continued taking us places he even started picking me up from school. I felt to much pride and joy telling people my dad was picking me up. I didn't feel so different anymore. My dad had a good sense of humor we use to go to the park next to the zoo downtown. My dad started feeding the squirrels peanuts. The squirrels would come right down the trunk of the tree and take the food right from his hand before they ran back up. I told my dad he was Snow White and could talk to animals. That day was full of fun and adventure when it got time to go home we all begged my dad to stay just a little longer. When I was with him I forgot all about the stuff going on at home.

With every passing day, he would tell me his plans on getting a house and taking us with him and how our life would be so much better. Then one day my grandpa whooped me. My dad came in and grabbed the belt from his hand. My grandpa turned around like he was ready to fight my dad got in his face screaming "as long as I'm here don't touch my kids!". My grandpa backed down and told my grandma. I heard her telling him they raised us when he was in jail that they had every right to whoop us. My dad walked out of her room with tears in his eyes kissed my head and left.

* * *

Old Habits

17

One day my dad came to pick me up with a woman and two little girls. I had no idea who they were and honestly didn't care. I saw them as a threat, I felt like they were taking away the only person who loved me. That day we rode to the beach, I remember looking at these two little girls thinking they were taking the only good thing in my life and that was my dad. Jealousy began to fill my heart, he was paying more attention to them while I stayed to the side trying to get his attention so he would know I was upset. When we left, my dad took us to Taco Cabana. I sat back slouched in my chair picking at my food. My dad reached in pinched my nose and laughed. He told me I was jealous and thought it was cute but I didn't, especially since he was my only escape.

On our way back I saw them holding hands and looking at each other with so much love her two daughters were fast asleep. My dad dropped me off first and walked me to the door. It was late, my dad kneeled down and grabbed my shoulder he told me that the woman in his car was his girlfriend and one of the little girls was my sister. I didn't know how to feel, I remember him saying something about it before but turned a deaf ear to it.

When I got to the house my grandpa was waiting for me. He was sitting at the edge of the couch with his arm on the side and a remote in his hands. The glare from the tv on his glasses made it hard to see if he was awake or sleeping. I tiptoed past him and went to bed. The thought of them taking my dad and starting a family without me made me depressed. I didn't even want to take a bath. I stayed up waiting for him but he never showed. I didn't see him again for almost a week. I sat at that window every day waiting on him for hours on in. My brothers use to tell me he wasn't coming, but I didn't want to believe it. When my dad did come home he wasn't the same. He stopped going to work and coming home high and drunk became a daily thing. His life was spiraling out of control. My grandpa didn't even care that my dad was home he continued to bring me to my knees. I started lying to my grandma telling her I had to stay after school for a class project. She said it was fine, but I had to walk home and I didn't mind at all. Truth is, I didn't stay after school. I was going across the street to my friend's house every day after class. My dad called the school looking for me one day but I didn't hear them calling me on the intercom. When I started to walk home my dad pulled up next to me "Where the hell have you been?" I told him I was at school but we both knew that wasn't true.

When we finally made it home my dad was furious. He grabbed a belt and came into my room before I knew it words started pouring out of my mouth. I was so angry "You can't spank me, you haven't even been around long enough," I said. He looked at me with his eyes filled with tears, but I didn't care I screamed I hate you over and over again. When my grandparents found out what I said and did my grandpa went to the back yard and grabbed a 2X4. It was from a wooden baby swing, he took off the piece of wood that keeps a baby from falling out. My grandpa returned smacking this board in his hand and passed it to my grandma. He held me down while my grandma hit me. Later that day my aunt came home and hit me too. Things weren't the same anymore. The day that my dad returned his car he was mad and took it out on me like it was my fault or something.

It wasn't long before my grandma put him out. Before he gathered the last of his belongings I ran to the door to give him his electric shaver as he picked up his bags. He looked at me and said "I don't want that shit" and walked away. His eyes were red and he reeked of alcohol. I put my arm down with the razor in my hand and watched as he drove away. My heart was broken, I felt like I did something wrong. John came behind me and put his hand on my shoulder and closed the door behind me. John knew how I felt and cared. He tucked me in, kissed my forehead and said goodnight. I didn't go to sleep, I could not help but think my grandpa was right and no one wanted me. My dad went back to prison shortly after.

* * *

Tired

18

My grandpa didn't touch me until June that summer. I guess he wanted to wait and make sure my dad was out of the picture. He walked up to me while we were in the kitchen and hugged me and said he knew I was hurt and that he was there for me. I started feeling up with so much hatred. I was mad at the world. Escaping started to feel like it would never happen. I felt something boiling in me that was ready to explode on everyone.

That 2X4 became our new form of punishment my grandpa would hit our ass with it so hard that sitting became impossible after one of his paddling sessions and it just got worse from that point on. One day that summer, my grandpa let us all go out and play. My brother was on the roof shooting people with the Beebee gun he got for Christmas until a little boy brought his dad and told on us. My grandpa was so angry, he took the swing seat off the swing set made us take off our shoes and climb the chains while he shot us one by one. I didn't have anything to do with what my brothers did but I was being punished. When we were finally able to stop. I had open blisters between my toes and on my hands and little round bruises that covered my body. At this point I didn't even care anymore, I started to give up and accept that this was my life and nothing would ever change it. I accepted that now. That next week my grandma didn't feed us like she was supposed to. I guess she was depressed because my dad was back in jail. I went to her and asked if it was lunchtime yet because we were hungry. She got up angry, called all three of us to the kitchen and poured soap in a cup and made us drink it. I downed it like a shot and went back to my room. I didn't cry anymore or even care. When school started back I was beyond scared. I was in middle school now. My grandma bought me pink light-up barbie shoes that embarrassed me for weeks.

Middle school was hell, all my friends except for Jenni stopped talking to me and I felt more alone than ever. The only time Mary talked to me was before and after school. That whole year was miserable for me my grandpa becomes more possessive over me reminding me every day not to talk to any boys because he was my boyfriend. Things at home started getting worse and peeing on myself became a daily thing. I guess the fear of walking home knowing what was about to happen made my bladder weak. My grandpa started messing with me every single day there wasn't one day that I could rest. Now going to my knees and being submissive became the norm for me. Every day I was in constant pain. Unable to sit and unable to hold my urine in my body. I was losing control of my own body until I finally gave in, I didn't even put up a fight anymore.

Around the end of the year, my brother Alex was working on a project for school he needed scissors to cut out some things on paper for his display. I told him not to do it but he didn't listen. Alex went to the bathroom and got my grandpa's nose hair scissors and started using them. My grandpa came into the room and started beating him. He backed Alex in a corner and swung without stopping. When my grandpa was done, Alex got up and clenched both of his fists. He looked at my grandpa like he was about to knock his head back. I was excited to finally have someone who is old enough and big enough to stand up and say that's it no more. Unfortunately, it didn't turn out that way.

My grandpa took the scissors grabbed Alex by the ear and started cutting. He completely detached his earlobe and he didn't care when my grandpa left the room. I ran to the bathroom and grabbed a bottle of peroxide and ran back to my brother's aid. "You shouldn't make him so mad," I said. He was on his knees cleaning his blood out of the carpet. I managed to get the bleeding to stop cleaned everything up. I went to the living room with my grandpa. I stood between his legs and told him "you won." That he was free to do what he wanted with me but only on one condition; he was to never touch my brother again. I told him if they did something wrong beat me not them, and if I found out that he did I would make sure he kills me. I knew the police, school, and family couldn't help me. So why even fight anymore; now it's all about protection and survival. Every time my brothers did something stupid, my grandpa would let me know so I could take care of him. The disgust I felt had me thinking of ways to remove myself from my body then I saw it, my salvation.

* * *

An Empty Bottle

19

It's a new school year but after the past summer nothing seemed the same anymore as my dad, I felt like I was losing a grip on life nothing mattered anymore my only focus was to protect my brothers and cousin all while keeping what was going on a secret I guess you can say I protected my grandparents to. I am at a stage in life where I'm tired of everything I wanted to just give up the feeling of being alone became too much for me to handle. I'm in 7rh grade now and made two new friends Daniella and Veronica both stayed on the street behind my house I could see their house from my bedroom window. Veronica stayed with her dad and Daniella has a complete family. I meet Danilla first she was in 6th grade and looked nervous. I took her in as my little sister picking her up in the morning before school and walking her home after. Daniella became my best friend my dark and gloomy world looked so much brighter. Daniella was a short chunky little 6th grader she had brown hair and brown eyes. I use to get jealous of her family her mom and dad always made me feel welcome. They never turned me away or made me feel unwelcome like I was being a burden if anything they told me to come in and have a seat.

On a sunny day after school, I walked Danella home like I always do she asked me if she could come over and like every time before I answered with maybe another time or nah today's not a good day. Walking back home was a nightmare I kept a smile on my face for everyone around me. The closer I got home the more my stomach hurt and the closer I got to the door the sense of dread consumed me. When I got home I tiptoed through the door and dashed straight to my room my grandma had a dresser with a huge mirror against the wall so they could see us every time we passed their room it was my grandpa's idea. Alex didn't come home and John was in the shower when my grandpa took me to the kitchen and started beating me for no reason when I peed on myself he became more furious. In the process of him raising his fist yet again, we heard a knock on the door. My grandpa crossed over me while I lay on the kitchen floor. I reached and opened my eyes just enough for me to see it was Daniella. I wanted to scream run but my voice was gone. All I could do was pray to God he didn't do anything to her. When he closed the door he walked back to me picked my head up by my hair and said: "she's cute maybe she'll want to come to play". I looked up and said "she won't be as good as me" and I unzipped his pants. I felt disgusted and ashamed but I'd rather it be me than her. When he was done, I went to my room and sat on my bed with a mouth full of fluid I couldn't spit it out while he was watching so I waited for my brother John to get out of the tub.

Later that night my brother Alex was brought home by the police he got caught stealing from the corner store. I knew my grandpa would go crazy so I jumped off my bed as fast as I could. While my brother was walking down the hall I dashed to the living room. My grandpa was in the process of grabbing the paddle. I grabbed his hand and reminded him of our deal "Then you know what to do" he said but this time he wanted a little more. That night I met him in the living room in our spot. I got down on my knees and pulled my pants down then got down on my hands and knees and bent over. With every thrust, I lost a piece of me if only my brothers knew what I had to do to protect them but I could never tell them. When he was done I got up walked to the bathroom bent over the sank and grasped it while bending over in pain. I couldn't soak or take a shower all I could do is wipe my butt with tissue and change my panties. I crawled into bed and curled up with a smile on my face not because of what I did but because my brother was able to sleep without fear or pain. The next morning I felt sick to my stomach I didn't want to talk with anyone or want to be touched. I couldn't even bring myself to pick up Daniella for school before I left I opened the top cabinet in the kitchen to get something for pain then seen it.

My grandpa had a large bottle of Jack Daniels then an idea. I poured some in a coke bottle that was less than half full. During the last class, id goes to the bathroom and chug as much as I could so by the time I got home I'd be too drunk to realize what was going on. This routine worked I didn't feel pain but was still aware. I'd be so drunk I close my eyes and try to remove myself from the situation but I never let him know. Drinking became my salvation but after so many days the bottle became empty. I cried trying to figure out what to do next but before I could even think of anything I heard my grandpa screaming at Alex in the dining room so like many times before I ran the pain was so unreal but I pushed threw just in time. My brother was standing in front of him with his hands in front. My grandpa had the empty bottle and was about to hit him in the head before I screamed "It was me! I drunk it! He has nothing to do with it" by this time I was standing next to my brother I turned to look at him and said "Go to your room" in a low voice. He looked at my grandpa frowned his face then looked at me confused. "It's ok to trust me," I said with his fist balled up he walked away I turned to my grandpa and said "tonight same place same time" "You can't protect them forever pretty soon I'm going to get that front too," he said. By this time I had my back to him turned my head and nodded. When I came back my brother Alex jumped up "what happened? What did he say?" I looked at him and smiled and shrugged my shoulders and said "nothing". My brother looked puzzled trying to figure out what happened and why I wasn't being beaten. I turned to him while halfway on my bunk bed ladder and said "I'm grandpa's little girl he wouldn't hit me" then finished climbing up.

The following week I was in the kitchen washing dishes and my grandpa came in to grab his thermal for work "you missed our last appointment" he said "I'm not doing anything with my brother up" I said with an attitude I turned back around to finish washing dishes when he punched me in the eye his watch hit the bottom of my eye leaving a blood-filled bubble under the skin and my eye swelled shut. When he left for work my brother came into the kitchen as I was getting up off the floor I tried to hide my eye as much as possible he grabbed my chin and face my head in his direction. he walked quickly down the hall and came back with the phone "You hit my sister? I'm tired of the shit" I heard him say with so much anger in his voice followed by crying "I'm calling the police " he said my grandpa was begging him not to telling him they can go out to eat and talk about it but my brother didn't care he hung up and called 911.

When the police came the officer flashed his light on my face my brother told him my grandpa hit me but I didn't say anything. As I looked at him I realized he lived up the street and must have been taking the call on his way home. When the officer left we closed the door and went to bed. My grandpa didn't touch me again until two weeks later. He didn't beat us but I had to make up for it.

A Single Voice

20

It's the end of April now and I'm finishing my 7th-grade year. Alex has been getting into a lot of trouble with the police. My grandma tried taking him to Child Protection Services but couldn't find the building and brought him back until one day she couldn't take it anymore and kicked him out. Alex slept outside in the rain she didn't give him food or clean cloths and ordered us not to let him in. My heart would never allow me to let my brother go cold, wet or hungry no matter what he did he was still my brother. When my grandma would go to sleep I'd give him a blanket at night and clean clothes and food for the day.

He was out of the house now for three days and my grandma still refused to let him in. When I woke up on the 4th day my brother was gone all that was left was his blanket. I crawled in my bed and broke down in tears worried something bad happened. When John got up I asked him if he knew anything but he didn't. That night I was at home babysitting my little cousin my grandma was about to give me five dollars that I wanted to save for Alex but she only gave me two dollars. I didn't even care about having any money the thought of giving it to my brother meant everything. That night I lay in bed the house was silent all I heard were the thoughts in my head. I rolled over forgetting all about my rules because now they didn't even apply.

My grandpa whistled at me from the hallway I already knew what he wanted but I still had John and my cousin to think about. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if anything ever happened. While I was on my hands and knees tears rolled down my face I had nothing to hold on to my body was no longer mine. The only thing I had was my mind no one could ever shut it up or take it from me, I refused to be broken and surrender the only piece of me I had control over so I thought. I felt myself breaking down and losing control but then I heard it as clear as day a voice of a man telling me not to cry he said to walk through your house and remember it because you'll never see it again.

With every thrust my grandpa gave me from behind I felt that same feeling of something boiling inside me and when he was done my tears were dried up. I got up slowly looked at my grandpa with a blank stare and walked away. He looked back at me puzzled I guess it's because I wasn't holding my head in shame or crying like any other time. I went to my room and waited. I laid on my back staring at the ceiling until I heard him snoring and got up. I touched my comforter it was light green with seashells my pillow had the same pattern but the corner near the wall was flat while the opposite side was full and fluffy. I had one stuffed animal a dog my porcelain doll who had matted hair and two broken fingers and then I remembered how they broke and how her hair got matted and anger started setting in. The day that happened my grandpa snatched me off my bed when my back was turned and my doll flew threw the air and hit the wall. As I scooted down my bed to the ladder of my squeaky bunk bed careful not to make a sound I counted the steps under my feet 1, 2, 3, 4 then placed my foot on the floor. My bedroom carpet was like school carpet it wasn't soft and fluffy but hard and dull navy blue. To my left was the black dresser my brothers shared and the same one my brother bent me over in front of the same window I gave him food and clothes threw the same window he looked threw as my grandpa raped me and behind me was our closet. As I continued I looked at the bed my brother once slept in by the other window with a white ac unit. Down the hall, I walked to remember the sharp pointy paint texture on the wall looked in my grandma's room but never went in. Passed the bathroom careful not to step to my left by the hallway closet because the bord was loud and squeaked. When I got to the living room I remember every detail the placement of the floral furniture and the black entertainment center that covered the window I once looked out waiting for my dad to come home then stopped at the front door. With every passing car's headlights showed a bloodstain on the floor next to the door I tried everything to get it out nothing worked. I looked up at the cross my grandmother had above the front door. After walking threw the rest of the house I went to bed.

The following week my brother Alex came and tapped on our bedroom window John and I scrambled to see if he was ok and he was. Alex told us he's been staying with a friend and would try to go to school the following Monday it was a Friday afternoon. While Alex and John were talking I ran to my drawer to grab my two dollars to give to Alex and it was gone. I turned to John and said "where's my money I know you took it" he told me he didn't take anything and before I could get the next word out of my mouth grandma came in screaming telling me to get out of her house. I grabbed the only pair of shoes I had and walked to the front door crying I didn't want to leave. My grandma was screaming telling me to leave as I sat by the front door putting on my shoes. I got up and said "but why grandma I love you" "get out!" She screamed as I started to unlock the deadbolt and turn the top key my grandpa installed to keep me in. She grabbed me by my hair and threw me to the floor with so much force my head bounce off the floor and she began to beat me with the 2X4. I felt the wood touch every part of my body "Go to your room!" She screamed as I got up and walked to my room.

John was sitting on the edge of his bed when I walked in I started gathering clothes in a backpack turned to John and told him to pretend he was sleeping "I'm leaving to find Alex and get help if they find out you know I left they will beat you" I said and he did just that. I climbed out the window with my heart racing and walked slowly through the backyard and to the only gate door we had. I reached over and unlocked the gate walking slowly down the side of the house when I got to the driveway I ran. I ran so fast that I didn't have time to think about what I was doing. I wanted to stop and turn around but I couldn't feel my legs I saw them moving but they wouldn't stop. Down the street around the corner, I ran straight to Mary's house and knocked on the door three times then lights out.

To Be Continued......
  1. My Grandpas Secret .docx

