Today I am doing something crazy that I'm actually very, very, very nervous for.
I hired an extremely talented special effects artist you guys are going to meet in a few short minutes
I am putting my face in your hands
- Oh, my god!
Wow, I look like i just gave a really good sister succ.
Oh, I know your a** is not giving me a double chin.
- She's getting it all today ladies.
(sighs) This is my worst nightmare.
I don't know why I'm so nervous for this.
What the-
What's up bros, welcome to Beauty Con.
We're on our way right now to Beauty Con and I'm not even gonna lie like,
I'm, feeling really, really nervous right now
I never, ever get nervous and I'm just praying that we don't get caught cause if we do it's literally over,
and this whole entire thing is ruined
We just got here, we have to find the entrance now.
I don't really know where we're going
I'm very scared if I'm going to be honest, but let's get this over with.
- We can also ask someone.
- Where's the ramp?
Maybe this way?
- Yeah, let's ask.
I'm literally shaking,
I feel like he's going to get recognized at any point
like, I think, I'm just so like, staring at everyone just to make sure that they don't recognize him,
but I feel like that's going to make things even worse.
I'm very nervous,
I don't get nervous, why am I nervous?
I'm so nervous.
'Sup babe, you look hot.
Oh, my god.
*screams* Ha ha, ha ha!!
He's so hot.
Hey kitty girl.
Oh, my f*cking God.
Hey, what's good?
I'm SO scared, I don't think I'd recognize you at all
I'm freaking the f*ck-
I'm so nervous I thought I was gonna scream
- I, ok I
The only reason why, ohoo
I'm a mess!
The only reason why I recognised him is because he literally sent me a Snapchat like,
this earlier, and I was like holy sh*t, eww.
Umm, and then like, I recognised-  you don't look like you at all
I'm dying. Oh, my God!
Shh, we're not here.
You never saw us.
Oh. My. God
We've officially gotten here to Beauty Con and I'm freaking the f*ck out
OK, shall we go?
[laughing]
Hello, miss raw beauty by Kristi, can I ask you a quick question?
- Yaaah
[Laughing]
My name is Steven, I work-
- Hi Steven.
[Laughing]
- This is the best thing you've ever done.
I know right, so good.
Do you mind if I ask you, um, a few questions for a magazine interview?
- Yaaah, of course! What magazine are you with?
Glitter Glam... magazine.
We're new, it's a startup company on Twitter right now.
- I think I've heard of you guys
What brands and, like, people are you really excited to see here today at Beauty Con?
- I'm really excited for Flower Beauty, I love Drew Barrymore.
I do too, she's so funny.
Did you see, uh, Drew Barrymore's video with Nikkie Tutorials?
- I didn't, I heard about that, I haven't seen it.
You didn't watch it yet?
- Nooo.
Woooow.
It's ... a pretty good video.
- Ok, I'll watch it, for sure.
Other than Nikke who are other influencers that you enjoy watching?
-Mmm, Summer McKeen's pretty cool, she's awesome!
I love, like, beauty influencers, um, James Charles is pretty cool, I like um-
How many followers you got on Instagram?
- I have, uh, 56.
That's so crazy, I only have, like, 739, I think when I checked last night or something, that's so cool!
- That's still something.
That's really co-- Do you think, maybe, you could give me a shoutout when the interview goes live?
- Yeah, of course
Really?
Do you mind if I ask you guys a few questions for Glitter Glam magazine?
- Sure that's fine. 
- Sure that's fine.
Have you heard of our magazine before?
- I think I have, yeah
Yah, you probably have it's pretty big.
Orion!
Orion Carloto!
Hi, my name is, um, Steven Brockwell from Glitter Glam magazine. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions?
- Yeah, of course, yeah.
You remind me of somebody.
Who?
Biiiiitch!
I was so excited!
Excuse me, Loey?
- Hiii.
Hi, my name is Steven with Glitter Glam magazine, I would love if I could ask you a few questions?
- Would you stop it! I love you so much!
*frustrated, high pitched, moan*
- You stupid idiot!
- I hate you so much!
I had you for a second, I had you for a second.
- I was like, who is this weirdo? I was like, how do you know who I am?
I had you for a second.
- Like, two seconds.
Excuse me ... Excuse me, Amber
- Yesss
Hi, my name is Steven with Glitter Glam magazine. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions?
*shocked* Yeah
*frustrated, high pitched moan*
I was like, "what the hell?" and then I was like "what" ---
On my life, I was like "who is this crazy man?" and then --
My name is Steven Brockbar with --
I have changed my last name I think 4 times now
Does the makeup look good at least?
And I also want to say a major thank you as well to Beautycon
for their entire team for not only hooking me and my team up with talent passes very very last second
and also for letting us film that was super super awesome
and this concept was something that I really wanted to do
was super excited about so I was really happy that they were supportive of me
as a creator to allow me to do that in their convention today
And I just wanted to sit down and kind of talk to you guys about it
All that being said I don't really talk about my feelings that often on Youtube
I am very much an open book but usually an open book of positivity and creativity
and marketing and all sorts of things I talk about all the time in my videos
but it's not very often that you guys see me being vulnerable and the truth is
I don't really like being vulnerable
I myself have never before suffered with anxiety
I know a lot about it because a lot of really important people in my life have it
Of course I've been nervous and I've been anxious for different things happening
but I never really suffered with true anxiety and today
I think what I had was an anxiety attack
And I'm still really confused about it
I'm still a little bit shaking up
I'm still sister shook
This is not the time for jokes, sorry
Ummmm
But that's just how I cope with
this type of things
And I just wanted to sit down and kind of talk to you guys about it
because for the past two or so hours on the way home from BeautyCon
to getting untransformed
To then taking a shower and cleaning myself up
I've been thinking a lot
about why today went how it did
and how I feel about it
And I think I have actually been able to successfully
kind of like really dig into why
I was so nerve-wracking
and i just wanted to talk to you guys about it
In case anybody else has a similar situation, a similar scenario
Um because this video was supposed to start off very very
lighthearted, super positive.
I wanted to start off by going into the convention and
interviewing different influencers to see if my friends recognised me
and then eventually going to a bunch of the different brands
talking to brands about who the influencers that they loved working with were
asking if I, myself, Steve, could be on PR lists
and we wanted to go into the public area of Beauty Con and really talk to fans.
But, for some reason, when I walked into just the backstage,
kind of like, talent area,
I... Something came over me...
and I was even experiencing this is the car on the way there
I was really, really nervous,
but something came over me once I walked in, which is probably the most similar
feeling I've ever experienced this in was
when I landed in Africa
after the ebola scandal.
Like I was saying, Beauty Con was in on this video.
I told them a few days ago that I was gonna do this and they gave me the 'Okay',
which I was super appreciative of.
The first step of the video of course was to talk to different influencers
that I knew.
Because all of them know me very, very, very well
all of them pretty much caught on quickly,
which was funny but also a little bit disheartening because
I really, really tried to hide myself.
Almost every single one of them said that it was my voice that gave it away,
My confidence comes from my work which has built my reputation
When I first joined the beauty industry a few years ago I was a boy, of course, and I was also sixteen years old,
so because of that a lot of people already didn't take me seriously.
And those are factors obviously I cannot control.
But, there's also a lot of things that I could control that are my own fault that kind of
ruined my reputation in the industry very very early on.
I got involved in a lot of drama.
I fought with a lot of different infulencers.
Of course now that I'm okay with, but..
 
Lot of influencers, um, and
because of that,
A lot of influencers,
of course work very closely with brands, which you guys all know. So,
I lost out on a lost of -
HUGE brand deal opportunities.
And I also had, of course, we all know this...
..a lot of scandals as well so.
Despite the fact that I was gaining followers pretty quickly from my own posts,
I didn't exactly have the best reputation internally..
and,
although I was getting hate online, what I truly cared about is the people around me and,
thats always the type of person that I've been.
I wrote on Twitter and Instagram when I was first starting off -
there were so many influencers that I was once really close with and then -
the next day on Twitter they'd be tweeting about how..
I was a horrible person because they saw a scandal and they wanted to join in..
and
be apart of that band wagon.
Or,
so many parties I would go to..
..talk to people that I thought were my friend and then,
they would end up talking about me badly on snapchat,
that same night behind my back!
Well, I guess not behind my back. In front of millions of people.
I guess..
early on I did not -
I just didn't have the best experience coming into the industry.
And,
It's something that I've kind of had to deal with and fix those relationships,
and also build back my reputation from hard work.
Over the past, 3 years.
A long time ago when I kind of had this reality check of..
"Oh my god James, you're getting into so much drama. Like, STOP."
I really had to make a mental note, to
get away from it, and
stop saying things about people and stop talking about other people, and
stop being shady and rude.
It's just unnecessary and,
one of my ways to kind of cope with that and fix it was -
to kind of take a step back from the beauty community.
Really focus on my true friends outside of the industry and,
not really attend that many events, not do that many brand deals anymore and..
that's kind of the way that I've ruled for the past,
probably year or so.
Um, just really private with my team and the people I love the most but.
Today kind of reminded me why I stopped going to those events, because..
just -
the feeling, and the air and the attitude,
the egos and the entitlement from -
some of the people. You can just tell that,
It's just a -
I don't even know how to explain it to you guys. It's just a feeling that you get you just feel like you're not wanted..
in a room.. and that your presence to somebody else is,
not taken seriously.
For their sake, I just hope that,
like myself they realize how ugly it is, and
will try to turn that around because..
take it from me! As someone who has been down that path..
you will have to do a lot of work to fix that one day. And,
that work is
not fun.
Because of both things that I couldn't control such as my age,
but also things that were 100% my fault such as my scandals and also my dramatic -
attitude in the beginning..
I've had to work,
twice as hard as everybody else for the past..
three years.
To build back my reputation, to show people that I'm not a horrible kid,
and to show people that I do have talent and I want to work hard,
and that I deserve to be where I am today.
And I know that,
I always preach this as well like..
move silently and let your success speak for itself but,
I will admit that,
that's always a battle that I've had to fight internally, and
I of course, do always catch myself and I try to stay humble, and I try to..
really put my ego aside but.
It's not really..
me thinking that I'm..
"the best." And thinking that like I'm,
"the queen".
It's me,
defending.
That position.
Because of the fact,
that I had so many things,
working against me -
when I first started.
And,
I think that's something that I really realized today. Something that I kind of need to get over -
In my existence to really not depend on,
my reputation because at the end of the day,
I love what I do and I work so hard for what I do, and
there will always be people following me and supporting me no matter what and,
I think this has been a really great ego check for me because,
I... quickly realized that,
today..
was tricky for me because it wasn't me.
James Charles is confident, I love myself! I
am so happy around my fans and around strangers I can be bubbly I can be myself,
I'm
not ashamed of that, and I love who I am.
And,
I can talk to anybody.
and thats why I do my "strangers do my makeup" videos, because they're so much fun.
And I get to travel to new places and experience,
new people and also meet you sisters along the way, but.
For some reason today having to play,
a different persona and,
to kind of hide everything that I've worked over the past few years to SHOW PEOPLE..
was so weird, and I
could not do it, and
it was literally like taking my persona,
of talking fast, and using their hands..
having their jewlery that they've worked hours and hours and hours of sleepless nights for..and
being able to wear a full face of makeup. And,
style their hair really nice and have cute clothes,
all the sudden having to throw that all away,
to having nobody know who I am, having nobody know what I worked for and what I stand for.
And having to be a totally different person,
who is literally polar opposite of myself -
I -
I, could not do it.
It was weird, and I felt ..
genuinely trapped, under..
all that makeup and all that hair.
And that beard, and
I -
felt like I was literally becoming.. "Steve".
Who,
nobody knew and a lot of people were treating,
very very poorly and,
it kind of brought me back to how -
I was feeling in the beginning of the industry. Feeling very unwelcomed.
Feeling unliked, feeling unwanted, and
My brain just started running at a million miles per hour and thats kind of where,
the anxiety attack came from and thats why I needed to get out of that situation and get that makeup off.. and
come back.
As me.
Not because I needed to feel "famous" or because I needed
the attention, but because
I-
have worked so hard over the past few years to fix myself, I'm not even gonna stop talking because of the siren.
- I have worked so hard to,
fix that reputation and really show people my true colours, and show people that I truly am a
good person.
And show people that,
I do have so much love in my heart, and I know that should come across
naturally ?incessant? that I should worry about or care about..
but..
I cant sit here and pretend it's not something that,
is
bothering to me because it really is. I do care,
about how people think of me, and
how people look at me,
and
I wish I could say that I didn't I'm sure that we all do.
And I do have very very thick skin that I've had to build because I was forced to grow up in an industry very very quickly.
But,
at the end of the day it still does get to me, from time to time -
and.
It's something that I've had to deal with, and it's been a constant battle.
Internally.
And,
A lot of ... the battle was 100% my fault.
And I know that.
And I'm okay with that, but
it's been a hard battle to fight, and
it's been a battle that I've finally felt like within the past few months,
I started to win, and today..
all the sudden..
I went back to square one and
it was like losing the battle all together.
At the end of the day although this experience was very, very hard for me to go through I think I learned three,
very, very valuable lessons.
One being,
I myself,
now need to really fight this internal battle more than ever,
of not only letting my success really speak for itself and not having to worry about,
my reputation but,
really not letting ..
my confidence,
come from my work, because,
really looking back at today I'm now realising that I do have a major issue with that,
and
a lot of my confidence does come from the fact that I've had to fight to get where I am today and
it feels like a battle I've finally won. And
whenever you win of course you feel really, really powerful, and you feel great, and you feel...
just, on top of the world,
and that's what I've been feeling over the past few months because you guys are always so supportive of me,
and you guys are really enjoying my content and that makes me so proud as a content creator, and,
I feel like we've won that battle together, but
I-
don't want my internal confidence to,
come from that battle. I need that confidence to come from self love, and
that's something that I will be working on definitely after filming this video today because,
that's bad. And it, shouldn't be that way.
Two: I kind of re-experienced a lesson that I had learned
many, many years ago,
very, very early on
that I thought everybody else was on the same page as
but, um, I was clearly wrong.
And that is that; no matter who you're talking to
you always need to be polite
no matter who they are, what they look like, what their size is, what their colour is
what their makeup looks like, what their hair looks like
because you never know who you're really talking to and
you never know who someone's really into, you never know who someone's working with
and you never know what opportunities or what friendship
someone could bring you in the future and...
as an influencer in this space,
take me out of the equation because I would say the same thing to any other smaller influencer.
There are a lot of really small influencers today that I have loved
and that I thought were so talented
and that were so incredibly rude.
And those people ruined a relationship with me
that could be very valuable to them
or could be a really great friend to them.
I love making new friends. I'm a pretty good person if I do say so myself,
and I've done the same thing early on to a lot of different people and I've ruined a lot
of relationships and friendships
and reputations
- being my own -
that I had to fix for a very, very long time
so I really hope that that's a lesson that a lot of people
were able to take from this video because, um...
it's a valuable one
and you should always treat people how you want to be treated.
That's something that I have really taught myself to live by
over the past few years of the beauty community because
it's a dog-eat-dog world and
at the end of the day you just need to be supportive of everyone because
we're all in the same business and we're all fighting together.
And last by finally not least, three: I learned that
I should never,
ever,
in my entire life,
let my facial hair grow out into a full beard
because it looks the absolute worst.
Alright guys, I think that is all I have for this video today,
I hope you enjoyed this kind of more, like, one-on-one conversation
I don't really do this very often and
like I was saying, it's because, I don't really like coming across as vulnerable
I like being really positive, I like inspiring you guys, I like making you guys happy
and...
um...
this stuff for me is something that I don't really like talking about
but...
at the end of the day if it can help anybody
that's why I want to talk about it and I really hope you guys were able to learn
some lesson from this video because
Lord knows, I did, that I will definitely be taking with me
and I hope you enjoyed it.
I want to say another thank you to Channing
who is, literally, so talented, please go check her out
I'm gonna leave all of her links in the description box below.
Show her some love, she did such an amazing job on the transformation.
I also want to thank Beauty Con for letting me attend today, they were all so sweet.
And I want to thank you guys for following and supporting me
since day one.
From the drama, to
the internal battle
of having to work my way up to where I am today and
it really means a lot that you guys have been with me through all that,
and have seen through me and have seen
my intentions and my love, and
my passion for what I do.
So, thank you guys- Oh, I don't wanna start crying!
Ew.
Um...
Ahhh! What the heck!
Um...
Thank y-
Ew!! What the f*ck!!
Um...
Thank you guys for watching today's video
Um...
I love you
and I guess I will see you in the next one.
Bye.
