Hey!
This here's Loretta Jenkins
with your weekly How I Seize It.
And Lord, must be somethin' in the water
cause I got like six pregger bitches
in my trailer park right now.
I'm gonna start charging' more.
When are we gonna put a cap
on how many youngins
these bitches can pop out?
That need to be part of Obamacare.
Mmmmhmmm, Uh huh…
Them Asians has got it right on this one.
But the one good thing what happened lately
is the teen pregnancy percent-
It be droppin'.
It's lower.
I reckon all these people
seen all these teenage mommas
strugglin' by herself in the 70s and 80s.
It was like-
You see the poor lil ol' things
with a stroller and a buggy at the store-
And one toddler-
Oh lord, let somebody's youngin' squall
over in the cereal aisle for two hours-
And what happened?
Her titty milk come in-
She got titty dripping here
and a baby on this hip
and one in the thing-
We needed to stop that shit, y'all.
Cause all them deadbeat dads,
they weren't good for shit.
And this generation,
they don't wanna give up they lives
slinging' around some youngin 24/7.
They wanna have some fun.
And that's why you shouldn't
look down at somebody
what left her baby in a dumpster
just cuz I couldn't deal with it!
(cries)
Oh fuck, my tummy hurt.
Maybe it hungry.
There you go, tummy.
Shit…I don't feel good.
Cause dang, it's got to where
you can't look nowhere without
'Look at my baby's picture.
Aw look, she took her first poo.
Aw look, he said a word.
Here my picture of my ultrasound,
it look like a peanut, don't it?
Guess what everybody,
I'm gonna have another baby!
Oh my God, I'm gonna be a grandma.
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Oooh Lord, nobody cares.
Don't nobody wanna look at your fat belly
growin'.
Or hear your constant yammerin'
about all things prego-leggo-
Fuck your fertilized eggos.
You can't even scroll your timeline without-
Oh look at that!
It's just a cute kitty video.
Maybe I'll watch just the one.
Oh, that is the cutest thing ever!
Oh I can't believe it.
I'm gonna have to tag Candy in this one.
(cries)
What is up with these mood swings of mine?
Ooops, looks like it's time for my 2 o'clock
Xanny.
Oh hell, I missed 2 o'clock.
Oh well, better double up
as Grandma Jenkins always used to say!
See how much I can swallow at the same time?
(laughs)
Ow!
My titties hurt.
I told Tank I don't like him gnawing' on them.
Wait, Tank been in jail for three months.
Why my titties is a-hurtin'?
(crickets)
Whatever.
You know them signs what say
Get Up For A Breeder?
You know like on a bus or subway or somethin'?
Why?
Maybe my back hurt cause
I got gang-banged last week.
Why you so special just because
you bringin' a baby into the world?
I didn't ask you to do that.
Why I gotta be inconvenienced?
Speakin' of gang bangs,
I'm still sore from that one last week.
But thankfully I had one of them IUDs
put in so i don't end up
in the family way again-
At all…ever.
What the fuck?
It's 2015?!?
When'd that happened?
Hell that thing been in there-
It's supposed to be changed
every like ten years.
Aw sumbitch!
I gotta fix this the Irish way.
Plan B!
(swallowing noises)
(crickets)
(singing)
Oh Danny Boy…
Do do do do…
And so yeah, what was I talkin' about?
Fuck and I been so tired lately.
Fuck I gotta stop mixing my elixirs.
Cause I swear every morning I wake up-
And I feel like-
I-
(vomiting)
(coughing)
(vomiting)
I'm gonna be right back!
(music)
(vomiting)
(music)
What in the fuck is goin' on?
Am I gettin' too old to party?
Hey, you get on outta here, you hear me?
I gotta-
I gotta do somethin' to combat
this nausea I been havin'.
Hmm…
(music)
Aw yeah…
What?
I got a medical card.
Goddang, I'm hungry.
(music)
Mmmmm…..
MMMMMM!
MMMMMM!
I ain't had nothin' to eat since 1988-
HEY!
You turn the camera off!
OFF!!!
You are fired.
Get on outta here!
GET OUTTA HERE!
Y'all, I really think somethin'
might be wrong with me.
I'm gonna have to put my diagnosis
on the WebMDs again.
Alright, I'm sick to my stomach.
I'm havin' mood swings
and my titties be sore.
More follow-up questions?
These people are nosy.
Have you missed a period lately?
Hmm…I don't know.
Lemme check.
I needa check the date on here
cause I'm always forgettin' what month it
is.
December?
What month it be?
My pad is bone dry.
(gasps)
O-M-JESUS!
This thing says I-
No!
I can't be.
This is not happenin'!
This ain't my life!
This AIN'T my future!
AND THIS AIN'T HOW I SEIZE IT!!!
Oh my God…
(cries)
