 
## (3 Book Box Set)

## Cowgirl Desires

## Last Chance Cowboy

## Embracing Love Again
Copyright 2016

Published by Carla Davis at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition License Notes

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# Table of Contents

Cowgirl Desires

Last Chance Cowboy

Embracing Love Again
Cowgirl Desires

by

Celina Whitley

# Chapter One

I locked up the barn and made it into my truck just as the sky opened up and gave the thirsty ground what it had been yearning for. Before I was even able to turn my key, blinding white lightning and thunder rolled over the Dixon Ranch illuminating the cab of my truck. Ever since I was a child my soul had always been in tune with the lightning storms of Eastern Oregon. They were always there when I was stuck in a rut and needed a jumpstart or to serve as a reminder that sometimes the plan of the universe will always find a way.

Mother Nature has always held her finger on my pulse, sensing when my low-battery sign was flashing or when I was stuck in neutral. She would send me a lightning storm to remind me where I came from and what should be most important in my world. In my foolish youth, I had turned a blind eye to these storms, which often led to learning the hard way. As I matured and became a mother, I had learned to listen to these storms, heed their warnings and take in all the knowledge they could provide me before the sun came out.

Tonight was no exception. I sat in the cab of my truck and felt the nostalgia enter my bones. I let my heart and mind wander through the highs, lows and the twisted maze of emotions this ranch had taken me through over the years. I knew that my thoughts would go directly to the painful emotions caused after Tanner Dixon left this ranch and my life. As much as I wanted to argue with the storm I knew there had to be a reason I was being asked to remember that pain. Actions and reactions from well over a decade ago still resonated in the hollow portion of my heart as I remembered Tanner. _You better have a good reason for this Mother Nature!_

The sky cracked with a bolt of lightning and I heard the sounds of protest from the horses in the barn. Those horses were my livelihood and this ranch that I ran every day with care and dedication should by all rights be Tanner's. His parents, also hurt and scorned by Tanner's abandonment, had hired me to run the ranch so they could prepare for their retirement. They had long since given on up on their prodigal son's return home.

The Dixon's had served and continued to serve as my second family. As children, Tanner and I were inseparable. I was an only child and so was Tanner, which made us fast friends. It did not hurt that I had been the girl holding the frog and beating the boys in all matter of dirt warfare. This, and the fact that I refused to play with dolls, allowed me the all access pass to the boy's fort. For years, I was on top of the world and the envy of all the girls in town.

Then everything changed. The boys started noticing girls and the girls were less likely to think the boys had cooties. No matter how I wished my body to stop blossoming, I was at the mercy of my DNA. I became a young woman and I quickly found out that even if they wanted to pretend I was still one of them, they started to notice that my tops were filling out and I took my cue to exit the boy's club. The boys went on to chase girls and transform into awkward teenage boys, but they always had my back and there was never a time where I felt unprotected.

Then there was Tanner. As soon as my hormones started to flare up I began to notice that he was gorgeous, smart and kind. My brotherly love for him began changing and I was in full crush mode by high school. Tanner however was slow to come around to the idea of me as anything but his best friend. One day while at the river swimming I saw the change in his eyes. Tanner had finally realized that I was not just a tomboy, but also a girl and a girl he wanted as his own. We became the high school sweethearts you love to hate. There was never any doubt that we would be together.

It was a natural progression of our relationship, like an extension of our arms. Not one guy or girl attempted to break us apart and everyone thought we would be together forever; as was mentioned throughout our yearbooks at the end of each school year. We were prom king and queen and even our teachers mentioned how wonderful it was to see such an intense young love.

I believed that Tanner was my happy ending and there had never been a question in my mind that he was to be my future. We had been together as far back as I remembered and any dreams I had always had Tanner as a star. Tanner would graduate from college, come home and run his parent's horse ranch; we would be married and begin a family of our own. I was naïve and young love while pure and wonderful, is also the cause of complete blindness when it comes to seeing the actual direction of your life.

Unfortunately for me I was the blind one in the relationship and Tanner had not bought into my version of our fantasy future. Even though we never actually had a specific conversation about what our future would look like, we both spoke as if there was no expiration date on our relationship. Looking back, I realized that I was the only one in that state of mind. Tanner however had left his mind open to other experiences.

I logically knew that Tanner had to go away to college to learn how to run the ranch as a viable business; but my heart strained watching him enter a foreign world and leave me holding on to the future I was so invested in. The day he left we had sat on his porch swing trying to find the right words to say goodbye. There had been a wicked thunderstorm the previous night and there were tree branches down throughout the ranch. I should have known that something big was about to happen in my life. At eighteen, you only see that the love of your life is leaving to start a life in a world you will never be a part of.

Finally, his mom came out and said that it was time to leave for Portland. Tanner stood and held me in his arms, my tears staining the front of his shirt. His eyes filled with tears as he held my face and kissed me goodbye. I stood on his porch, unable to move. I cried until there were no more tears to help me grieve. Today I know I was grieving because the moment Tanner drove away was the moment my life changed forever.

At first we both did everything we could to keep our relationship strong and the lines of communication open. His voice began taking on a new level of excitement when he described what he was learning in his business classes. I was thrilled he was finding his place at college and jealous that I was not a part of his new life. College was supposed to be a time to find yourself and try new things I read in books and magazines. Well Tanner had accepted these challenges with open arms.

Our contact began to wither as he took to returning my calls several days after I had left messages. When we did finally talk, the conversations were superficial and more polite than loving. It was a regression back to a friendship I believed had blossomed into true love. Tanner was starting his process of letting me go.

The more Tanner became ingrained in this other reality, the more he pulled away from me. It felt like I was a reminder of what he wanted so desperately to distance himself from. He had never told me he was unhappy at home or that he wanted to move and try new experiences. Today I often wonder whether he even knew before leaving home and tasting what another place could give him.

Our conversations continued to become indifferent, talking less about what we were doing or feeling to how the ranch was and what classes were like. While we never had the 'we should see other people' talk, we ceased to talk about 'us'. Every time Tanner called or more likely returned my call, I felt the hammer above my heart waiting to shatter it into a million pieces. During that time I wished I were one of those ditzy girls that lives in the clouds and dreams of being a Disney princess. Unfortunately, I lived on the more realistic side of life and had watched our relationship dwindle after Tanner left for college.

It certainly did nothing to help that we only physically saw each other a few times during the entire four years. It was not that Tanner's college was so far away; it was that I was working to help support my family and weekends or even holidays were few and far between. For his part, Tanner made excuses for not coming home, such as studying or an important on campus event. When I tried to visit, he was suddenly too busy and could not spare the time to keep our relationship whole.

We struggled in this shell of a relationship through his college years. I did not ask if he was with other girls and frankly I did not want to know. I was faithful to him and never strayed even when weeks would pass between our conversations. I held on tight to any sliver of hope that we would make it through this trial.

When his college graduation arrived, it was understood that I would travel with his parents to celebrate this important achievement in his life. In fact, his mom and I had been planning the trip for months. Both of his parents were hoping graduation would bring Tanner home where we all felt he belonged.

I had saved for weeks to buy a sexy but tasteful dress for the ceremony. I suppose it was part of my last ditch effort to woo Tanner back into my arms. I can still feel the butterflies in my stomach on the ride to Eugene wondering how Tanner and I would re-connect, if we could still connect at all. It became almost a blind date since Tanner had obviously changed since he had been away.

At graduation, Tanner was polite but removed both physically and emotionally. His eyes were distant and his mannerisms were robotic and I felt like a complete outsider. Tanner never had a problem with public displays of affection and he used to be the initiator most of the time. A brief peck on the cheek was the only physical contact Tanner gave me and I felt so awkward I did not dare to touch him.

There was no tour of his apartment or the neighborhood he had spent the last four years. When we walked across campus Tanner kept his head down and only pointed out buildings when his mom asked. It was like dealing with a skeleton version of the Tanner I knew and loved. After the fact, I wondered if he just forgot how to be the Tanner we expected and was stuck in limbo between the old Tanner and the new Tanner.

The ceremony was long and I could see Tanner nervously looking back at us throughout the diploma presentation. Even though our relationship was strained, I was so proud of him as he accepted his diploma. He had accepted and completed this challenge and no one could take that away from him. For an instant, as he walked across the stage I caught his eyes and my heart hitched like it used to when we would catch each other peeking. The moment was fleeting and his facial expression quickly turned back into stone.

Following the ceremony we posed for what could only be described as awkward family photos. It was obvious his parents sensed a change in their son's behavior and from the look on his dad's face, he was not happy about it. I stood off to the side wondering where to go from here. After the hoopla, the Dixons took Tanner and I out for lunch at a horrible chain restaurant. It would surprise me if they noticed how bad it was, but they were probably just ready to get the day over with.

We were seated in a booth so Tanner was close enough that I could smell the man I fell in love with and his knee was forced to touch mine. Just this brief touch was enough to drive me insane. I had not been in Tanner's arms for a long time and I craved the attention only he could give me. Trying hard to concentrate on the menu I realized that actually he did not smell the same at all. Something had shifted and that is when my world finally took its tumble.

It was as if Tanner held the last Jenga piece and he pulled it without a care in the world. We had all been making small talk about the ranch and the food had just been delivered. Tanner casually announced between bites of a greasy hamburger that he was not coming home but moving to Portland to take a job in the financial industry. I stopped breathing and there was silence around the table. I can still hear the crash of the future I had painstakingly put together for us collapse.

To say I was stunned and hurt would be an understatement. Tanner knew he held the key to my heart and yet he had just thrown it off the bridge. I tried to catch Tanner's gaze, but he successfully avoided looking at me for the rest of the meal. It was almost as if he was ashamed of his decision but would not or could not explain his reasoning.

His parents looked hurt and frustrated and my heart, what was left of it, went out to them. They had been counting on Tanner taking over the ranch and he had disappointed them. I had to give them credit though, because they both tried to keep the conversation going for the rest of our time in Eugene. They were strong folks and Tanner had taken them for granted. I would not have been so forgiving in their position.

After lunch, we silently drove back to Tanner's apartment. He did not invite us in and his mom took that as a sign we should be heading back. I felt numb and my brain could not even fathom this scenario. Each of his parents hugged him and wished him good luck in Portland. They did not speak of the future or the pain he had brought them. He seemed to hug them back, but he never met their eyes. He did manage to say a thank you for coming as they turned to walk away.

His parents climbed back in the truck to give us a minute alone. My heart was beating so loud I was sure Tanner could hear it and my stomach was tied up in knots. I had no idea what to do. Tanner was IT for me. _What do you do when your one and only slips away? Worse yet, what do you do when they choose to go away?_ I had never felt so much fear of the unknown as I did at that moment. Tanner stood in front of me avoiding my eyes and shuffling his feet.

I put my hand up to Tanner's face and forced him to look at me. While he only held my gaze for a second, it was long enough to see that he had made his decision and no amount of pleading or crying was going to change his mind. I kissed him lightly on the cheek, whispered, "I love you" and walked away. Tanner had made his choice and I loved him enough to respect it.

The drive home was heart-wrenching as his mom tried to hide her tears and his dad's face maintained a cold and detached look. I had not shed a tear since we left Tanner staring after us, but my heart had been shattered and I could not begin to figure out how to glue it back together. I felt an eerie calm descend upon the truck cab and embrace each of us as we began accepting that the Tanner, we knew and loved, was gone.

Tanner kept his word and moved to Portland two weeks after graduation. He forwarded his address to his mom and dad who passed it along to me. It sat on my refrigerator for years staring at me as I grabbed for the ice cream. Even though I was often tempted, I never used it. No postcards, no letters and no phone calls. Tanner had not reached out once since moving to Portland and I chose to save myself the sorrow of finding him happy in his new life. Finally, one Valentine's Day, I ripped it to shreds and threw it in the fireplace.

Out of pity or kindness the Dixons allowed me to continue working at their ranch. I had maintained the job while Tanner was away to stay close to him but also because I felt strongly that the ranch was where I belonged. I was meant to live in the country and wake up every morning to hard work. This was where I needed to be and where I was happy. I was a hard worker and it never went unnoticed by Mr. Dixon. They continued to be my family even without Tanner to bind us.

Tanner did not come home. At holidays, he sometimes invited his parents to travel to Portland; but even that had stopped happening in recent years. Tanner had always been such a family-oriented guy and his complete disregard for his aging parents was a diversion from anything I thought Tanner was capable of doing. Tanner Dixon had become a ghost and after a while, he faded from my everyday life. I shook my soul alive and moved on.

Now as I drove home and the lightning illuminated the land surrounding me I remembered when my heart had finally accepted that Tanner was not coming home. I knew that I would always love Tanner, but I also knew that I could not count on him to give me the future and the family I so desperately wanted. Oddly enough I had been standing below the ladder of the mare loft. I was kicking snow off my boots and a piece of wood fell from the loft and cracked me in the head. When I picked the piece up, I saw that it was one of the slats that Tanner had etched our initials on one night when we were cuddling up in the loft.

Then it hit me that it was over and this piece of wood finally broke off to give me a sign that our time was up and there was no more TD & LB 4 EVER. Time had changed us and the foundation of our relationship had become nothing more than a faded memory etched in my mind. My spirit and heart had been broken, but I was determined to live the life I was given. So I moved on.

A year after Tanner's move to Portland I met Christopher Adams. He was handsome, hard working and I convinced myself that he was perfect husband material. He made me feel loved, wanted and desired and told me that he wanted to make me happy and have tons of kids that would remind him of me. Sure he was wrapped up in his work and constantly argued with his family, but he was financially secure. Perhaps he sometimes criticized the way I dressed or belittled the work I did out on the ranch but he was only trying to inspire me to be a better person. Our courtship took the fast track and we were married and I was pregnant with our first child in just a year's time. To be fair, some folks tried to warn me to pay attention to the warning signs and red flags. However, all I really knew was Tanner was gone and I was being a given a shot at a family and I was taking it.

In hindsight, I should have spent a bit more time exploring the marriage material portion of his personality since he apparently felt differently about the vows we exchanged. I heard forever and he heard for right this second. I immediately began planning for the baby and making our house, a cabin his parents let us live in, a home. Christopher worked late nights and came home drunk more often than not. He was never physically abusive, but it became apparent early on that the man, I thought I married, was not the man I was sharing a bed with.

There was a lightning storm the night our son was born and when I stared into Gage's blue eyes, I knew that this was why I had met Christopher and nothing else from our ill-fitted relationship mattered. I had concentrated on the storm during delivery and at the moment of his birth, I saw that Gage was my future. Gage was my angel and he filled my heart with more love than I ever thought possible.

This thought alone helped me through the tough times ahead as a single mother when Christopher left three months after Gage was born. I wanted to act surprised that he left but in reality, I had seen it coming from the moment I told Christopher I was pregnant. He had been looking for a way to convince his parents he was mature enough to inherit their money and I had been the perfect alibi. However, when I informed him he was going to be a father his face had turned an unnatural shade of green and he had run from the house not to be seen for two days. So when he decided to finally disappear on us I was less than shocked.

I embraced motherhood and Gage became my world. I learned how to juggle, sleep with my eyes open and take a shower in two minutes. I continued to work part-time at the ranch, bringing Gage to work when the weather was pleasant enough and using my parents as day care providers when I had to leave him at home. I wanted Gage to grow up knowing the land and understanding that hard work was the only way to make your dreams come true. He did have half of his father's genes and I wanted to be he got my work ethic.

Once Gage was old enough to go to Pre-School full-time I took over running the Dixon's ranch. Tanner's parents were eager to retire in Florida and I made every possible effort to show them I was capable and ready to take over for them, since it was painfully obvious that Tanner was not coming home. Gage started elementary school and the Dixons were very flexible with my hours when Gage required more hands on parenting. It was an exhausting few years but worth every second.

Even today as I pulled up our driveway I remembered the days I played mom and dad in Gage's life. From coaching baseball to healing the scrapped knees, I did it all. At the same time, I was getting deeper and deeper into running the ranch, which required all my remaining energy. It probably goes without saying, but my love life had not been a priority for a long time.

My time was spent being the best mother (and father when necessary) to Gage and preparing myself to take over the Dixon Ranch. My own family had moved away right after Gage turned school age. I am pretty sure my mom only stuck around that long because she did not want to see me in the poor house trying to pay for day care. I appreciated all they had done for me and I tried to stay in contact as much as possible, sending pictures of Gage every school year.

That left Gage and I to fend for ourselves and we happened to like it that way. We had each other and that was enough for me. Introducing someone else into the picture at this stage would be an endeavor and my dream of romantic love had faded long ago. Gage had always been open with me and while we were not attached at the hip, I felt that our relationship was on solid ground and that he was happy with just a mom. I certainly was not looking forward to the teenage years.

As I parked the truck, there was a final flash of lightning cutting the sky in half. I felt the bolt straight down my spine. I never ignored the lightning. It was like Mother Nature's version of sending an omen. When the storm physically affected me like this one had, I paid attention. There was never an omen spelled out in the lightning strikes or dark clouds in the shape of animals. It was a feeling, an instinct that I always carried with me to be prepared for what fate had in store for me next. Tonight I had an overwhelming feeling that whatever was on the horizon was going to change my path forever. _Bring it on Mother Nature. Bring it on._

I felt a heaviness fill my bones, but I shook it off filing my perceptions into the back of my mind for further thought at a later time. As of right now, I was just a mom who was in terrible need of a shower, a hearty dinner and a hug from her son.

# Chapter Two

Since Gage had been strong enough to hold a small pail I would wake him every morning before the sun came up to go and help me feed the horses. When he was younger this used to be the highlight of his day. He even made a point to talk to anyone who would listen about how awesome his chores were. Then he turned twelve and everything I thought I knew about him and parenting was flipped on its head.

It instantly became not cool to hang out with your mom, even if the only eyes that saw you had four legs and a mane. Sleep became second in his life only after eating everything in reach. He was growing up and all I could do was watch and hope that he took my guidance and discipline for what it was, unconditional love. A father figure would no doubt be a benefit during this time but for now I would have to be happy he was still talking to me.

This morning was proving to be one of those days when Gage chose to struggle with me about getting up and it was all I could do not to bop him over the head with my boot. After threatening to cut his video game time, I finally got him up and dressed. We loaded into the truck and headed over to feed the Dixon's horses.

Feeding the horses was one of the most important jobs on the ranch and one of my personal favorites. Their food was the main way I had to influence how healthy the horses would be and how attractive they would be for breeding. I had been trying out different combinations of food to find the perfect mix that would help strengthen the horse's joints and also provide conditioning for their coats.

A few months ago I stumbled rather by accident onto what I hope was the best formula. So far it was working exactly as I had hoped. The horses were not having joint issues and their coats were shiny and gorgeous. If all went well I had dreams of selling the new feed to neighboring horse ranchers. It would be a great additional source of income for the ranch, although Mr. Dixon had already warned me that he would not take any of the profits. He treated Gage like a grandson and he hoped I would use the money for a college fund.

Once we reached the barns and Gage saw all of his favorite horses, his attitude changed completely and he became a kid again. The horses learned to anticipate Gage and secretly I think they waited for him and the sugar cubes he carried in his pockets. As he had grown in size feeding time had become more efficient and we were able to complete the task in half the time. I loved watching Gage work with the horses. Mr. Dixon had always said I had a way about me with the horses. They reacted to me in a way that signaled their respect and understanding. Tanner used to tease me about being a horse whisperer, but watching Gage I was happy to see he inherited this talent. I knew he could not stay a child forever, but in the meantime, I was going to enjoy every second.

When the last horse had been fed, we heard the barn begin bustling with the ranch hands starting their day by mucking the stalls. As the sun poked through the horizon I took Gage home to hop in the shower and get on the school bus. The shower used to be a fight, but I am pretty sure he started noticing girls last summer and his outlook on hygiene changed completely. As much as I was not looking forward to "the talk" I was at least happy he washed some of that dirt down the drain rather than deposit it on my couch.

The storm last night was nowhere to be found in the blue sky this morning. Even though I still had the nagging concern about last night's storm, I could find nothing wrong with how I was feeling this morning. Rather it was one of the first times in a long time I felt light and free. _Today could be a good day!_ With a smile and the sun beginning to warm my face, I drove back to the ranch to hand out the day's work orders.

Mr. Dixon had been the head of the ranch since his father retired and left it to him. When he decided to start seriously grooming me to take over for him, we both decided it would be best if I took over piece by piece. This would give the men some time to get used to the idea and hopefully by the time I was in charge they would not even notice the difference.

***

It had certainly taken some time for the ranch hands to get used to a woman running things. I started out doing each part of Mr. Dixon's job behind the scenes so when I finally got in front of the men all they saw was pure confidence. As they got to know me, they began to understand that I lived to get my hands dirty and princess was not an adjective used to describe me. I always heard them out when they had problems with the way I was running things, but they quickly got on board or I tossed them. It was a tough crowd, but the guys that were on my staff were like family and I played both mother and boss most days. I would trust each of them with my life but most days I just trusted them to get the job done.

After handing out the duties of the day, I began my day's work repairing the fencing on one of the three outdoor arenas we used to exercise the horses. I was deep in concentration when I heard the crunch of gravel indicating there was a car coming up the drive. The wind switched directions and a cool breeze made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I knew I was not expecting anyone today so I stopped hammering and looked up just in time to see a black pickup truck come to a stop near the ranch house. I squinted but could only make out that the figure was tall and male. Another cool breeze hit me and I shivered. _What in the world is going on_ weather _?_ I did not connect the breeze with the storm last night and I figured the Dixons just had a guest and I continued to finish the fence.

Group lunchtime was one of the things Mrs. Dixon had refused to give up as they had slowly given the reins of the ranch over to me. She still cooked and fed every single ranch worker a hearty and delicious meal each afternoon. I was always shocked to see the boys file in with clean hands on otherwise filthy bodies, remove their hats and wait for her blessing to eat. I knew that when she left for Florida there would be a huge hole in the guy's hearts. I had already been talking to her about a replacement so the transition would not seem so stark.

# Chapter Three

By lunchtime, I was usually ravenous and today I quickly took my seat and waited for what smelled like Mrs. Dixon's famous chicken and dumplings. I was already starting to drool just from the aroma. _Thank_ you _Mrs. Dixon!_ The men were filing in and I turned to talk to an older ranch hand about the new mare. Before I uttered a full sentence I heard a commotion coming from the direction of the kitchen. _What in God's name is going on?_ It would seem that Mrs. Dixon had indeed made chicken and dumplings, but it was who was serving those dumplings that had everyone at the table going crazy.

I had a strange feeling and my heart quickly leaped to my throat as I turned around and met the eyes of my first, and to be completely honest only, true love. Tanner Dixon stood in front of the table in the flesh and blood. _Is this a nightmare? Please tell me this is just a dream?_ This was not the Tanner Dixon I knew years ago. That had been a boy and the Tanner that was standing in front of me was all man. _Where was he keeping those muscles?_ He had always been painfully handsome. Pretty guys wanted to rough him up and girls wanted to...well you know. I had been lucky enough to be that girl for a time.

He was greeting the few workers he knew and introducing himself to those that had come on since he had left. He seemed to be smiling but although his lips were moving it never reached his eyes. Tanner and I always could feel each other with one glance. We knew each other so well that we were able to understand the feelings through the color of our eyes. What I saw before me was a beautiful man with a fake smile and shallow eyes. _What happened? Who hurt my Tanner? My Tanner! I really needed to get a grip._

I began to feel lightheaded, confused and claustrophobic. The dining room was closing in as more of the ranch hands got up to shake Tanner's hand. _This is_ really _happening. I need_ air _._ Before I even knew what I was doing I was up and headed out the door. I vaguely heard someone calling for me, but I did not look back. I needed fresh air and to absorb what I had just witnessed. I went straight to the only place that had ever given me complete comfort, the loft in the mare barn.

I made it to the barn and quickly scaled up the ladder. My breath was ragged from running and I collapsed to my knees on the floor. The loft was very simple wood and hay with a few battery operated lanterns for nighttime needs. Needs that previously been met with the man who just happened to pop back into my life. _Why is this happening to me? I am over him...right?_

As I lay back on the makeshift hay bed I tried to regulate my breathing hoping my heartbeat would soon follow suit. I closed my eyes and saw the lightning from the evening before cross the back of my eyelids. _How could this be? Why was Tanner here? Was he just visiting or did he plan on moving back? Does he want the ranch? Does he still love me like I loved him?_ Whoa _wait why am I thinking this way? I am a grown woman and I have earned my place running this ranch. And love? Gage was all the love I needed._ The thoughts ran through my brain at warp speed no time for an answer before the next one came. Once again the storm had been right.

"I had a feeling I'd find you up here," Tanner said in a cautious tone. I slowly opened my eyes and saw a grown-up version of the Tanner I had loved in this very loft standing above me.

"Mind if I sit down?" he asked as he took a place next to me on the hay.

"I'm glad you still come here," Tanner said quietly, "it is a special place for both of us."

I could not avoid his eyes much longer, but I knew once I held his gaze I would be a goner. I never was able to resist Tanner's eyes. They were the window to his soul and his best tool for getting what he wanted. I was afraid of what that would mean for me at this time in my life.

"Yes this loft held a lot of firsts for us," I replied. Why did I bring that up? I hope he does not think I am trying to flirt with him.

We sat in silence for a minute as we each remembered the times we had spent in this loft. We were fourteen when we shared our first kiss in this loft, stolen minutes between our chores. When our lips had met we both jumped back from the electric jolt we felt. That jolt never left our kisses which had made giving them up so hard.

We also had our first fight up here over something so trivial I could never remember what it was. I did however remember the passion of our make-up make-out session following that fight. _Damn he was a good kisser._ Last, but certainly not least, we had made love for the first (and only) time here in this loft.

I can close my eyes and still see the night so clearly. It was a harvest moon and the barn was lit with its strange orange glow. That afternoon there had been a massive lightning storm. Unfortunately, I was not yet in tune with Mother Nature but I should have known that something big was coming. The sky cleared at evening time and the moon rose amongst the stars.

We had been dancing around the idea of making love to one another for months now. Neither of us wanted to be the initiator in case the other one really did not want to and was only doing it to please the other. I honestly did not know if I was ready. I loved Tanner and my body showed all the signs it was ready. However, if Tanner had not been leaving for college, it might not have even happened.

Tanner was leaving for college and all we knew was that we wanted our first time to be with each other. Whenever we had talked about it there was never a doubt that we would be each other's firsts. Neither of us was willing to allow someone else that privilege.

It was awkward and embarrassing, as those things usually are, but it was also magical and special. We were cautious and curious but most importantly we both were respectful of the other's needs. I never once regretted that night. It bound us to one another forever. You can only have your first time once. No matter what had happened between now and then we always would have that connection.

"Libby?" Tanner's voice jarred me from my trip down memory lane.

I forced my head and my eyes to look directly at his face. The face that had haunted my dreams for years both nightmares and what few fantasies I had these days. Time had been kind to him and his beautiful features were more pronounced. The only signs that fourteen years had passed were a few fine lines and some dark circles under his eyes. These eyes that had once held the spark of excitement and a little danger but now only looked tired and lost. _Where did you go Tanner?_

I reached out to touch his face, cradling his cheek in my hand. When I touched his skin I felt my world settle, which unnerved me even more. _I am happy. Why does he still bring me peace? I didn't even know I needed peace!_

Tanner leaned into my hand and closed his eyes. _I have missed this man so much! But something just does not seem right._ I could not shake the feeling that Tanner being here was not an accident, but was also not planned.

"Why Tanner?" I pleaded. "Why are you here?"

Tanner's eyes opened and for a second I thought I saw them fill with tears. _Oh_ no _please don't cry. I will not be able to handle you crying._

He pulled away from me and quickly said, "Things did not work out in Portland and I need to start over." He continued, "And the only place I know to start over is here, at home."

My mind started running in a multitude of directions trying to come up with reasons why things would have not worked out. So much could have caused him to come home and I was not even sure I wanted the whole story right now. I do not think I could handle hearing about a marriage that did not work out or a relationship he had that had gone south. _Focus on what you know not what you are creating out of nothing._

Tanner waited for my response. I knew him and I knew that making the decision and then actually coming back home was difficult. This was not because his family would not welcome him back, but because he would feel like a failure. He was a proud man and to him returning would feel like a retreat with his tail between his legs. I was not going to make him feel worse by pressuring him to tell me what had went wrong. He seemed to be beating himself up enough and he did not need my help. _Time will tell Libby, time will tell._

"Ok," I responded.

I wanted to kiss and punch him at the same time. I felt happy he was back and angry with him for leaving in the first place. My head was swimming trying to catch ahold of anything that made any sense, but I kept coming up empty handed. It was almost as if I had slipped on the edge of a cliff and fell knowing there were going to be soft and hard places to land. My decisions about Tanner could decide which of these I was going to land on. _Argggg what is happening to me? What decisions?_

"I have no idea what to think and feel right now Tanner," I said, standing up. All I know right now _is that I have to get away from you as soon as I can._

"I assume your parents are pretty excited to have you back," I commented as I moved toward the ladder.

"Yes they are," Tanner answered, then asked, "are you?"

I met his gaze straight on trying to pin down the feelings fighting within my heart. _Am I? Am I glad Tanner is here in front of me now?_

Finally, I replied, "I honestly don't know Tanner."

His eyes held what looked to be pain and guilt from what I do not know. Part of me knew that I should want him to feel those horrible feelings, but another part of me wanted to be in his arms and forget the past completely. I had a strong inclination that this tug-of-war was not even close to being over.

My mind was going wild and I was barely remembering to breathe. _Did I really want Tanner back in my life?_ For so long I had wished and hoped to be in this exact position. Now that Tanner was here before me I did not know whether I actually wanted him back. After seeing him, there was no doubt I still loved him. The question I had to answer, was whether I was still 'in love' with him.

"I can understand that," Tanner replied watching as I started down the ladder.

"Libby?" Tanner called. "Mom and Dad asked me to tell you they would like to meet with you tomorrow morning after you give the work orders for the day."

My feet reached the solid ground of the barn floor and I called up, "Tell them I'll be there."

I turned and headed for the stalls. Without a second thought, I saddled up my horse and took off to ride the fences. Normally this is something I would give to one of the newer hands, but today I felt the need for some fresh air and to be as far away from Tanner Dixon as possible. My mind and body had grown numb and I needed to feel the wind in my hair in order to shake my thoughts loose.

After a few miles my temper began to flare thinking of his audacity just showing up after all this time. What right did he have to arrive home looking tall, dark and ridiculously handsome? If he wants to take over the ranch where does that leave me? I could either work for him or be out of a job. And what would I do with Gage? Tanner's arrival had completely upset my calm and orderly way of life. He seemed to have a knack for completely disintegrating all of my plans for the future

The further I rode the clearer my head got, which only lead me to finally look at the real problem at hand. I was still hopelessly in love with Tanner Dixon. I am not even sure I ever stopped loving him. I had convinced myself I loved Christopher and in some ways, I had loved him enough to make a child with him. But Tanner always has had my heart with him no matter where he had laid his head. I was hoping that I came to another conclusion but knew my fate was sealed. I have to get over Tanner Dixon because he had gotten over me years ago.

I have no idea what Tanner is thinking and whether he even had more than a passing thought of me while he was in Portland. Who knows what kind of life he has been living and who has chosen to live it with? As far as I am aware he never married and had no children that the Dixons was aware of. I did know he was aware that I had been married and had Gage.

_Oh God Gage! What do I tell him?_ Mrs. Dixon has probably already told half the town that Tanner is home. Gage is a smart boy and he will put two and two together when the gossip starts. Folks in town did not speak about Tanner much anymore, but Gage was aware of him because Mr. Dixon would sometimes tell Gage stories starring Tanner.

I already avoided bringing Gage to the ranch when the hands were there. I wanted him to learn the job, but their language and behavior was not something I wanted him exposed to just yet. _How on earth was I going to avoid introducing Gage to Tanner?_

This was a mess of epic proportions and I was at a complete loss for where to go next with my feelings. Gage knew me and would have no problem seeing the unresolved issues between me and Tanner. He was a curious kid and since he started noticing girls last summer he had even asked if I ever thought about dating again. I had told him he was all the man I needed in my life and he seemed to be ok with that.

My phone alarm went off reminding me of the hour. I headed back to the barn to return my horse and avoided any and all signs of human life. I left for home where hopefully I would be met with a son who had avoided the town gossip tree that day. I would know more after my meeting with the Dixons tomorrow morning. Until then it would just have to be business as usual. I would not complicate either of our lives by jumping to conclusions. Maybe Tanner was just here for a visit to let the dust settle from Portland so he could go somewhere new. _Nice try Libby._

As I crawled into bed and closed my eyes, I was met once again by the vision of lightning. It was a telling sign that whatever fate had in store for me it was only just beginning. With a sigh I rolled over and spent the remainder of the night in and out of sleep. Most could be blamed on nerves but when my body did give in to sleep my dreams were delightful and full of the grown-up version of Tanner Dixon.

# Chapter Four

The next morning I gently nudged Gage and told him he could sleep in. He smiled sleepily and rolled over snuggling under his pillow. I was not ready to introduce him to Tanner until I knew more about the entire situation. Somehow I had a feeling that taking him to the barn this morning I would have no choice but to introduce them. I would hate for Gage to get attached and then Tanner to go away again. Gage has had enough loss in his life and I refused to set him up for what could be heartbreak.

I would do anything for Gage and protect him from any harm. Once upon a time I loved Tanner with all my heart but now a large piece of that heart was filled with love for Gage. Tanner being back at the ranch did not change that simple fact.

I found myself spending way too much time in front of the closet choosing what to wear for the day. _This is ridiculous I am not going on a date I am going to work!_ I ended up with a nicely worn pair of jeans and a tank top underneath my favorite flannel. _How could a man I had not seen in more than a decade still affect me so much?_ I tried to shake off the look he gave me in the loft last night, but my dreams were still haunted by the memories of his lips and his arms wrapped around me. I was in a heap of trouble.

I kissed Gage goodbye and headed over to the ranch to feed the horses and get the works orders ready for the day. With any luck, I would be completely busy and distracted from thoughts of Tanner and his presence here at the ranch. I even set my phone alarm to remind me of my meeting with the Dixons. My heart pounded at the thought of having to leave the ranch. I was trying not to worry, but I was brilliantly losing that battle. I pulled up to the barn, took a deep breath and began my day.

I got into a steady rhythm with the feed and the only sounds were the soft neighing of the horses. I had to work double time without Gage here to help, but the extra stress on my body was keeping my mind focused on the task at hand. It was like the eye of a storm and I could feel it growing as time ticked on. _Nothing good can come of this. Am I ready to face my past?_ I finished the feeding and headed into my office to make sure I had all of the day's work lined up. There was a mountain of work to be done and I was in the process of streamlining the system. Time crept by as I kept my head down and tried to work through my growing nerves.

My phone alarm reminded me that it was time to hand out the daily work. An important part of running the ranch was organizing who does what. It seems like a simple task but after you have factored in the skill level of each ranch hand and the sensitivity to detail that a job required, the process became complicated and murky at best.

As they gathered around many of the ranch hands had their heads down and were looking rather uncomfortable. I sighed because even though I knew the answer without asking, I had to assert my authority. I called out one of the young ones, "Billy what's up?" Billy shuffled his feet and kept his head down. He own lifted his eyes to mine when I stalked over and stood directly in front of him.

"Ummm some of the guys and I," Billy stuttered, "we were just wondering what it meant for us now that Tanner is home?"

I stepped back and looked at the guys who had been with me through thick and thin during my transition to running the ranch. They were a rough bunch of fellas, but they all had hearts of gold. I could not see Tanner being vindictive enough to fire all the guys if he took over the ranch but what did I really know about the man he had become? I had to admit that I did not know much of anything about grown-up Tanner or his current sense of right and wrong.

"It doesn't mean anything," I answered hoping I was telling them the truth. _Please, let me be telling them the truth._

"I am meeting with the Dixons this morning to sort everything out and confirm where we go from here." I continued, "Until you hear otherwise keep your head down and do good work and there will not be any problems."

The men grabbed their gear and headed out to begin the day's work. Billy nodded and then went on his way. _I had not even thought about how this might affect the guys._ I was too worried about the tornado of emotions wrecking havoc on my own body. It was my responsibility to watch out and protect these guys and their jobs. I reminded myself that I was not operating in a vacuum and I could not be selfish in this situation.

I made a few phone calls and put in some supply orders anything to avoid checking the clock every two minutes. I procrastinated as long as I could before I had to face the music. I tidied up my office, hoping it was not my last day to use it, and headed over to the ranch house for my meeting with Dixons.

I went to the side of the house and used the wash station to clean my hands and face. My hair was pulled back so it had survived the morning so far. There was no mirror at the wash station, why would the guys ever need one, so I did my best to make sure I was clean and presentable. _Who am I trying to impress The Dixons or Tanner?_ I took a deep breath and walked toward my fate.

I had been coming to the Dixon house since I was a child and knocking had never been a requirement for entering. Where we came from locking your door was considered an insult and I spent more of my life in this house than my own. I pushed off my boots in the mudroom and made my way into the beautiful farmhouse kitchen.

This kitchen had given me comfort when I needed it most. This is not to say that my family was horrible, but I was an only child and my parents both worked very hard supplying the surrounding horse farms with feed. This required almost all of their energy and I grew up taking care of myself. When I started hanging around the Dixon Ranch Mrs. Dixon sensed I was missing some motherly love. Through the dirt and grime, she helped me remember that I had a feminine side too. I learned to bake pies, make pot roasts and of course brew a strong cup of coffee in this very kitchen.

The aroma of that strong coffee is what greeted me now, as I saw Mrs. Dixon at the counter arranging the thermos and cups. She heard the door shut and knew it must be me.

"How are you holding up Libby?" Mrs. Dixon asked in her non-invasive way, that before today had me always opening up to her. How does she think I'm holding up? Her son has just breezed back in town after a decade of leaving my heart to break into a thousand pieces!

Of course Mr. & Mrs. Dixon would know that Tanner's return would cause me to feel things I put on the back shelf a long time ago. They had witnessed my breakdown after Tanner decided he was not coming back and watched me pretended to move on with my marriage to Christopher. They still would joke that I was the best thing to happen to Tanner and not coming back home was his biggest mistake.

I placed a kiss on her cheek and responded, "As well as can be expected."

She chuckled and we made our way into the living room where it would seem they would be meeting. Mr. Dixon rose from the sofa giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. _Does he look nervous? What does that mean?_

"Libby thank you for coming this morning," Mr. Dixon began. Mrs. Dixon took her place next to her husband on the sofa and stared adoringly at her son sitting across from her.

I took a seat in one of the worn armchairs but not before catching Tanner's gaze and his small and insecure smile. "No problem Mr. Dixon whatever we need to do," I responded. _You deserve an Oscar for that one._

"I am so happy to hear you say that," Mr. Dixon began, "because we do think things need a little re-working now that Tanner has come home and wants to help with the ranch."

This was it. Tanner was going to take over the ranch and Gage and I will have to move in with my parents. My heart was stuck in my throat and I was having trouble breathing when Tanner spoke.

"Libby I did not come back here to take the ranch from you. I just need a fresh start and I have let down my parents, and you, long enough," Tanner ended with what seemed to be a genuine sigh of exhaustion. _You can say that again. Wait what did he just say? He doesn't want the ranch?_

I'm not sure how, but I felt for Tanner. In his youth, he had made a bad choice, as we all have done before. However, this particular bad choice happened to rip out my heart and leave me broken for many years. I sat quietly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"Betsy and I are ready to retire," Mr. Dixon began, "We have found the perfect retirement house near the beach and we already have one foot in the ocean." Mr. Dixon hugged his wife who nodded her head in apparent agreement. "The last thing we have to do before hitting the road is set up how the ranch will be run in our absence."

Mr. Dixon went on to explain that prior to Tanner's homecoming I was being groomed to take over the ranch. Without knowing that Tanner still wanted to have a part in the ranch, the Dixons had whole-heartedly agreed that I was the best and only choice to run the ranch. He explained that a lot of time and energy on both parts had gone into that training. _Time I spent away from my child and any energy to have a life outside of being a mother and working here._

I started to feel better about the situation until he began talking about how they had always wanted Tanner to continue the Dixon legacy. It was a family ranch so it always went without saying that Tanner was next in line. When he left, it was incredibly difficult for the Dixons as they tried to determine how a future might look for the ranch without family to inherit it. Now that Tanner was back they were struggling with how to handle the situation.

"Last night I walked out to the outdoor arena to check out the new fencing you put up Libby," Mr. Dixon began. "Just as I was admiring your handiwork my phone beeped with an email alert from the bank about some paperwork you were overdue on," Mr. Dixon continued.

"Shoot," I cried, "I completely got sidetracked and forget." _Seriously could I give him better ammunition to fire me?_

"No problem it was actually extremely helpful," Mr. Dixon quickly responded. _Helpful? How can forgetting bank paperwork ever be_ helpful _?_

By this time I was on the edge of my seat and wiping my damp palms on my jeans. Tanner was chewing his bottom lip and bouncing his left knee and if I could still read Tanner correctly then he was equally as nervous. He caught me peeking at him and I quickly turned towards the Dixons. _Just give me the truth straight up._

It seems that this burst of wisdom had prompted a late night discussion with Mrs. Dixon. After ironing out some details, they both agreed on this new approach to the ranch.

"We would like you to share responsibilities and run the ranch together," Mr. Dixon stated as a fact not a question.

My head flew up and I stuttered, "Together?" _I had to have misheard him...right?_

"Yes dear together," Mrs. Dixon added her first words to this distressing and already lengthy meeting.

Tanner was sat up straighter biting his lower lip, showing he was anxious, although it could be a good or bad anxious. After he spoke there was no doubt it was bad anxious.

"You want us to share the ranch?" Tanner asked with doubt lacing his every word. _At least I wasn't the only one to think this was a crazy idea!_

Mr. Dixon must have anticipated this reaction from both of us because when he continued his voice was fatherly and kind. He went on to explain that I had a vast knowledge of the hands on things at the ranch. He continued to see that since I had come on board the ranch has never looked better. It felt great listening to him honestly praise my work. It reminded me of the passion I have for running this ranch and how much losing it would mean.

After squeezing my knee he turned to Tanner and explained his hope for the business and financial side of Dixon ranch. There were several additional business opportunities that had been put on the back burner with the Dixon's retirement and the ranch running at full capacity. One of these opportunities being the new feed blend I had created. Mr. Dixon had hopes that with Tanner's background he could not just maintain the business of the ranch, but help it to grow.

The Dixon's new vision had me running the day-to-day operations of the ranch and Tanner running behind the scenes. Literally they were proposing that we run the ranch "together." _Is this even possible? How do they expect me to work with him when they know how much he hurt me?_ Neither Tanner nor I said anything and for the first time, the Dixons looked uneasy.

I loved the Dixon family and they deserved a happy and stress-free retirement. Could I share the ranch with Tanner? Working side-by-side? I honestly did not know. I felt unsure of my residual feelings for him and the anger and hurt I still carried with me was clouding my vision. I was also dealing with this magnetic pull I felt every time our eyes met and my desperate desire to make his sparkle once again. _That is not your job!_

I struggled through the fog and remembered the most important thing. No matter how I felt this was not about Tanner, or me this was about the Dixon Ranch and continuing its proud legacy. I was not a Dixon by blood, but in my heart and mind I was a member of this family and keeping it whole was just as important to me.

I finally raised my head to meet the Dixon's eyes, "If this is truly what you want then I will work with Tanner."

Mr. Dixon began to smile as he turned to Tanner, who had his eyes trained on me. "Libby and I will figure out a way to run the ranch dad," Tanner managed to get out.

Mrs. Dixon clapped her hands together and said with a motherly touch, "I just know this is the best thing for all of us."

A red flag flew up in my head at her comment, but I could not see it through the intense feeling I was getting from Tanner and his laser gaze. His eyes had not looked away from me and I was starting to feel uncomfortable. _Did he sense my feelings?_ Did he have _the same feelings?_

"Well, if that is it I have a lot of work to do," I stated as I stood up to put some distance between the Dixons and me. I knew I was running away, but after a decision like that, no one could blame me. Since there was no way to add Tanner to the work cycle today I added, "and Tanner make sure you are on time tomorrow for work orders."

With that and a smiling snicker from Mr. Dixon, I slid my boots back on and headed out to do some hard labor and pound Tanner Dixon out of my mind. _Maybe if I pretend this never happened I would wake up and find it has just been_ a bad dream _. Good luck with that Libby._

Tanner did not interfere with the ranch for the rest of the day and I only caught him watching me a few times from the back porch of the house. _Why am I looking at the porch? Looking for him?_ I could not avoid the group lunchtime but noticed that Tanner sat on the opposite end of the table and did not try to make things uncomfortable by addressing me. Of course he looked perfect in his worn jeans and boots, clean because he had not put in any hours on the ranch yet.

It was unnerving having him so close. I could feel the electricity we always had buzzing around us. I only hoped that we were the only ones able to recognize it. I was a different person when he left, and he obviously had changed while he was away. It was going to take time to get to know the grown-up versions of Libby and Tanner. I just hoped our grown-up versions could put the past aside and move towards a future that suited all of us.

# Chapter Five

The next morning followed another sleepless night. I realized half way through the night that I could not keep bringing Gage to feed the horses in the morning. The chance that he might run into Tanner was too great and I was not ready for that meeting yet, not until I got to know grown-up Tanner a little better. Maybe I did not want Tanner to ever meet Gage. Perhaps Portland had changed Tanner in ways I did not want Gage to experience. Wow _you are grasping at straws here._

I expected Gage to be angry or hurt when I told him he was free from early morning feeding for the time being. Gage however had other plans as he crawled back into bed and set his alarm for later. By the time I was leaving the house he was snoring again. _Wish I could crawl back into bed and burrow under the covers._

It was hard to remember when bringing up a tween that just because they do not outwardly express their feelings it does not necessarily mean they are not feeling them inside. I made a mental note to have a one-on-one conversation with him that night to be sure he was getting the attention he needed from me. The early morning feeding had been our special alone time and I knew I would miss it and I hoped Gage would feel some of the absence as well.

When I got to the barn I saw the lights already on and Tanner's truck parked outside. My temper ignited immediately wondering how he thought he could just come into her barn and walk around like his owned the place. Well _technically he did but still._ I took a deep breath and remembered my vow to Mr. Dixon to make it work. The only way I was going to be able to work with Tanner is if I made sure he was doing everything the correct way, my way.

Right off the bat I noticed he was using the wrong feed for the wrong horses. Back when Tanner was in high school he helped his parents on the ranch and it would seem that he was picking up right where he had left off. Unfortunately, for him what had worked back then is not what works best now. My head began to ache thinking of how difficult it was going to be to train him on the new and improved ways of ranching. Obviously whatever ranch classes he took had been quickly replaced with finance knowledge. I prepped myself for a long day.

"Good morning Tanner," I shouted as I entered the feeding area.

Tanner threw a bag of the wrong food into a trough and I wanted to scream at him, but my mouth did not seem to work as I watched his arms flex and the muscles of his back stretch. When Tanner had left he had really been just a boy, now however, he was very much a man. My body reacted to the sight of his well-worn jeans and tight t-shirt. It had been a long time since I had given myself the opportunity to appreciate a man's body.

Yes, a delicious specimen of a man, but a man using the wrong feed. So snap out of it!

"Hey Libby," Tanner said as he wiped his forehead with a rag. "I thought I would get an early start and help with the feeding," he added with a smugness that I was about to smack right off of his face.

"I see that Tanner," I began, "and while I appreciate your pro-activeness I have to tell you that you are using the wrong feed."

Tanner's head shook as he said, "No I'm not. It is winter and I am using the winter feed." He pointed to the marking on the bag indicating it was winter-feed.

"You are correct that is winter feed," I explained, "but we have begun rotating the regular winter feed with a new blend created to help the horses with their joints."

I saw his back go up and witnessed an internal struggle behind his eyes. This was new for him too and I tried to be patient and helpful rather than condescending. I explained that I had noticed a trend of joint issues with the horses during the winter so I worked with the vet to make a blend of feed that would help. Tanner was looking at me like I was an alien and not the Libby he has known all his life. It was almost as if I had to undergo a transformation inside his mind. It was his turn to realize that grown-up Libby is not the same as the Libby he left.

I sighed accepting that this was the first of many things that Tanner and I were going to go toe-to-toe on. We had always had a tendency to take opposite sides on an issue just so we had an excuse to argue, and make-up.

I showed him where the correct feed was and the schedule he could check if he was ever unsure about what cycle they were on. He reluctantly took in the information and nodded his understanding. The next couple of weeks were a battle as young Tanner tried to prove me wrong on each and every task that had evolved or changed since he had been gone.

It seemed that everything had changed in the last decade and Tanner had a lot of catching up to do. From feeding to breeding, the world of ranching had been modernized. Even though most changes made our work easier, Tanner still thought the old way was a better way.

The pout he had used to get his way when we were in high school did not work on me anymore. However, the grown-up wiping his hand over his face and batting those extra long eyelashes was breaking me down piece by piece. _It should be_ absolutely _illegal to be that gorgeous when you are sweating._

Most of the time I was able to keep my anger at bay, allowing my training as a mother to kick in and provide me with the patience I needed to avoid strangling Tanner. But there were times when all I could see was Tanner walking away from me after breaking the news he was leaving for Portland. He had left me without a reason for the hole he had ripped in my heart. These emotions made my fuse with Tanner short and I did a lot of deep breathing exercises.

During the same time, I could see Tanner struggling with his own internal demons. _Did he feel guilty for leaving? Is that why he came back?_ I could not pinpoint Tanner's emotions and for right now our interaction consisted of ranch business only. It seemed that he was not ready to introduce me to all of grown-up Tanner just yet. Frankly that was just fine because I never quite knew which grown-up Libby you were going to get when I opened my mouth these days. Angry Libby, hurt Libby, overly peppy Libby, etc.

After the third week of my internal battle, I began to notice that Tanner was a quick study. The things I had taught him during the first week were clicking and I was able to confidently leave him alone to accomplish those tasks. I had to give him credit for finally accepting my authority on ranch matters and getting on board with the changes I had made.

We fell into a steady rhythm of teaching, learning and doing. I could feel the walls between us come down brick by brick. Our conversations remained at a professional level and neither one of us was brave enough to venture into the past; but there were times when we would both remember something and our eyes would meet before continuing on with the task at hand. That brief moment always caught us off guard and left me confused about where to go next.

For as strong as I was at work, I was equally an emotional mess at home. Gage was busy with friends and school, which left me with more time to daydream about Tanner and the man he had become. Tanner had not shared details of his life in Portland and I did not ask or prod him to reveal his reasons for coming home. More I was just in awe of the changes that had taken place over time. I had expected the intellectual growth after his time in college and the city, but I had forgotten to add in the fact that physically he would grow to be a powerful and sinful looking man. Sinful _like triple chocolate cake._

I tried to deny my attraction, but it was no use so I continued to watch Tanner work with fascination and desire. If I was not mistaken, Tanner was having the same sort of thoughts. There were several times I felt someone watching me and looked up to find Tanner's hungry gaze on me as I worked. Part of me would immediately think he had lost all of his rights to think of me that way when he chose to go to Portland. The other and louder part of me was excited that he was feeling the same way and hoping he was man enough to do something about it.

I wanted to believe that I wore tight tank tops and fitted jeans because they were comfortable, but who was I kidding. I was wearing those outfits for Tanner and that look that kept me warm long after his eyes left mine.

# Chapter Six

One of the tasks I had been avoiding going over with Tanner was riding the fence line. It would require us to be alone for the entire day and sometimes it might even warrant an overnight trip if there were extensive damages that need to be repaired. Storm season was on its way though so I could not procrastinate on the task any longer. I just hoped that we could have a quick ride and be back before dark.

The thought of spending the night in the wilderness alone with Tanner was just too much to bear. I had acted nonchalant when reminding Tanner to pack an overnight bag but inside I was a ball of nerves. I had not been alone with any man in such a long time let alone a man who I was deeply attracted to but should not be. To my surprise as we were saddling up the horses he fumbled a bit when I mentioned the possibility of a camp out. _Was he as nervous as me?_

As we double-checked the gear I noticed for the first time how interested the other guys were when Tanner and I were together. They had obviously heard through the grapevine about our history and were watching and waiting to see how we would continue to react to each other. _No better than a bunch of old biddies!_

The ride started out crisp and clear with only a few fences that needed mending. We stopped for lunch along the stream we used to play in as kids back when we did not have a care in the world. I had brought Gage out here a few times but he was quick to remind me that the experience was not the same when you were with your mom.

The times Tanner and I had spent at the stream were filled with fishing, swimming and as we got older kissing. I caught him more than once staring at the outcropping of rock that we used to hang out on. We would ride to the stream, strip down to our bathing suits (or underwear when necessary), dive in and bake in the sun for hours. It was also the perfect place to make-out with no chance of interruption. We were so young and so eager to learn about each other and the reactions our bodies were having.

I slipped further into the memory remembering how Tanner and I had taught each other to kiss. We had been sitting on the rock after a quick swim and the heat was unbearable. Tanner began kissing me gently at first but soon we were showing the hunger we had for each other. It had been the summer following our freshman year so we were still in the newlywed phase of our romantic involvement. Everything was trial and error for us and kissing was no different.

Tanner had pulled back, looked me straight in the eye and asked me what I needed him to do. Without the filters of adulthood I told him how I wanted to be kissed and he did the same for me. After that afternoon we never kissed the same again. What had once been a spark was now a raging inferno. It was one of the happiest memories I had of us. Both of us choosing the pleasure of the other over our own.

Now looking out at the stream I sighed and filed the memories away again. Neither of us brought it up but it was obvious that both of us were reliving those same moments.

As the afternoon wore on the wind changed and the temperature began to drop significantly. I shrugged on my sweater and saw Tanner add a flannel over his t-shirt. I could smell the impending rain as it prepared to come over the hills and head straight for us. The smell was sweet but there was an edge to it that alerted me to the danger it could bring. Rain was no problem because we could easily continue our work.

Unfortunately, you could already see in the distance that lightning was splitting through the clouds. What I did know is that we could not continue along the fences because the metal mesh would be a prime target for a lightning strike. I made the decision to stop at one of the old barns where hopefully we could ride out the storm and still have enough daylight to make it home.

Just as we found some lanterns to give the barn a candlelit glow, the sky opened up and sheets of rain began pounding the ground surrounding us. The thunder shook the barn and the lightning illuminated even the far corners of the barn. I still smelled the sweetness of the rain but also felt the dangerous undercurrent in my body. It was not lost on me that I was here during a lightning storm with Tanner who looked just as nervous as I felt. I finally just accepted that we were here for a reason and whatever was going to happen was necessary for our future whatever that may end up looking like. _Might as well suck it up and_ be in _the moment._

We made sure the horses were secured in a few of the still functioning stalls and huddled together with the blankets we had brought in case of a camp out. With nothing left to do but wait out the storm we began to talk. At first it was just general chitchat about the ranch and his parent's impending retirement, but it was not long before we both start tiptoeing into the past.

Mostly we talked about the good times we had as kids growing up on the ranch and all the crazy things we used to do that got us in trouble. We talked about the time our buddy Rusty tried to kiss me at the stream and I broke his nose. This led to us talking about our first kiss and how nervous we were up in the loft. It was a sweet and non-suggestive conversation.

Then it dawned on me that there might never be another time when I would have Tanner as a captive audience to explain the hurt and pain he caused me when he left my life so many years ago. I took a deep breath and decided to open up wounds I had thought were long scarred over. I avoided talking about my marriage to Christopher and did not bring Gage into the conversation except to acknowledge his existence. I was holding Gage close until I could see what Tanner's true intentions were.

I was hell bent on making sure that Tanner knew exactly what his decision to move to the city did to me and more specifically to my heart. I felt I was at a point in my life that I was no longer angry that he actually moved to the city, because without him leaving I would not have had Gage. However, I was still angry about how he had made that decision and his complete disregard for my feelings at the time. As I was describing my decision to move on after countless attempts to re-connect with him, I saw the pain clearly in his eyes and he started to softly cry. _No_ crying _please._

Tanner quickly wiped his eyes and with a struggle lifted his gaze to mine. _Kill me now with those eyes!_

"Libby," he began, "there are no words that can fully describe just how sorry I am that you ever had to feel that way." _Did not see that one coming!_

He went on to tell me that his choice to leave had nothing to do with me but rather his need to experience different parts of what life had to offer. Unfortunately his youth had blinded him from seeing what he was leaving behind. He loved the city and although he never forgot me, after a time he convinced himself that I was better off without him. He thought that he would just be dragging me down by being miserable at the ranch while wishing he was out experiencing life. Or he thought it would be cruel to drag me away to the city just to satisfy his curiosity. _I did not even know he was miserable. What else didn't I know?_

His apology seemed heartfelt and I found it harder and harder to stay angry with him for leaving. I was beginning to feel confused, appreciating his confession while at the same time still feeling abandoned. It still remained that he had chosen to explore his desires rather than hold on to our relationship. I honestly did not know where our love fit into this picture or whether it ever even had a chance once Tanner left for college. At least it was now all out in the open where we could choose to deal with it if we wanted.

One night alone in a barn was not going to make or break how we felt about each other but it was hopefully the start we needed to get back on track towards some sort of relationship. I tried to concentrate on the fact that we had been young and we just had different ideas of what the other needed. Unfortunately that was making me feel that I was a fool for how much I loved him and continued to love him when he had already chosen another path. _I would have given him everything. What does that say about me?_

Unwilling to make an emotionally filled declaration with both my head and my heart still spinning, I quickly noticed that the rain was now a slight drizzle and the thunder and lightning had moved on. Breaking the seriousness of the conversation I suggested we head back before we lost daylight. I knew I was leaving things on a complicated note, but there was no way I could go through that roller coaster of emotions right now. I was going to need some time to process everything Tanner had shared with me. He seemed reluctant to leave but Tanner began prepping the horses for the ride back while I made sure the rest of the barn was secure.

Just as I was locking the supply room I heard Tanner approach and felt his hand on my shoulder. He turned me gently and took my face into his hands. My body instantly remembered his touch and he began to stroke my face with his fingers. _Oh my... it has been so long._ Without a word his lips met mine in a kiss so gentle it felt like tickle yet it was also full of promise and dare I say love?

Tanner pulled his head back and whispered, "You have never left my heart Libby."

All of my words stuck in my throat and I just stared into his eyes unable to formulate an intelligible response when my body had just been reminded why Tanner Dixon was the love of my life. _I have it bad._ It was fruitless to deny that I was born to be in his arms. The question was whether he was meant to be in mine.

Tanner held out the reins of my horse and that is the last memory I have of that ride because my mind replayed our conversation and of course that kiss over and over again trying out all the different ways that this scenario could end. Selfishly I chose to keep all of those scenarios positive and with Tanner and I riding off into the sunset. However, I was a realist and as soon as we parted for the night I filed the kiss away for what it was, a pleasant experience. I needed to protect my heart and this was the only way I knew how.

No matter how hard I try to understand and control the fate life has laid out for me, I always learn that I have no say in the matter. After the storm confession, apology and kiss, I felt the largest wall between us break down. We were working together much more smoothly and our conversations were not laced with an undercurrent of unresolved business. We were not speaking of an "us", but we were not avoiding each other around every turn either. _Progress?_

# Chapter Seven

One of the tasks I had been avoiding going over with Tanner was riding the fence line. It would require us to be alone for the entire day and sometimes it might even warrant an overnight trip if there were extensive damages that need to be repaired. Storm season was on its way though so I could not procrastinate on the task any longer. I just hoped that we could have a quick ride and be back before dark.

I had even begun to feel comfortable enough with Tanner's knowledge of how the ranch worked to suggest he switch his focus to the financial side of things. You would have thought that I found a solution to world peace the way his face lit up and the extra pep he began having in his step. It was obvious that although Tanner loved working the ranch, he loved crunching numbers even more.

Of course he had been a student of the ranch and now I was to be a student of the finances. He was a patient teacher but it was obvious he had a wealth of knowledge that not only would I never learn, I never wanted to learn. He taught me the balance sheet, invoicing and budget projection. _I want to claw my eyes out._ All of the more complicated procedures he thought would be better in written form for use in an emergency. I could not have agreed more.

Watching him work on spreadsheets and invoices it started to connect in my brain that this was what he had been learning in college that had got him so excited and pulled him away from the ranch, and from me. Seeing his eyes light up and sparkle I began to realize that whatever happened with Tanner while he was gone was what was making him the man he was today. And that man was one that I could easily find myself staying with forever. _Forever? How about we just concentrate on getting through the week._

One Saturday morning during January I heard a knock on my front door. Still dressed in my flannel pajamas I made my way to the door. To my surprise Tanner was on my doorstep holding two cups of steaming hot coffee. _I do not know what I deserved to get this breakfast treat but thank you heavens above._

Tanner smiled, melting some of the icicles around my doorframe, "Libby I am here to kidnap you for the day so as attractive as those pajamas are I think you better get dressed."

I knew that look of determination and decided it would be a useless battle to say no. Gage was with friends that weekend and the ranch was under control with the weekend hands so I did not have any responsibilities. _What an odd feeling?_ I left Tanner in the living room and quickly showered. _Tanner Dixon is here to kidnap me. What in the world does that mean?_ I decided after my shower that I deserved a little pampering and there was not a single thing wrong with wanting to feel like a desired woman. So I dressed in a long skirt, tall boots, fitted sweater, scarf and jacket.

When I walked out of the bedroom Tanner's expression was one of unfettered male satisfaction.

"You look absolutely stunning," Tanner said.

I felt myself blushing but I did not look away as I walked toward him saying, "I'm all yours Mr. Dixon." _Flirt much?_ Oh _what the heck you only live once right?_

Even though they were simple words they held years of unrequited love. Tanner took a ragged breath showing he was as affected as I was by the possibilities that lie ahead. It took everything in my power but I put a head to his chest as I walked out the door. The electricity was amazing and I had not felt that sort of incredible tension since I had been with Tanner sixteen years ago. _Looks like you still got it girl!_

Tanner held his truck door open for me and helped me climb in, his hands around my waist. I closed my eyes at the warm sensation they left as he closed the door and crossed around the front of the truck and climbed in. My nerves were scrambled and I fumbled a bit with my seatbelt. After securing myself I risked a look at Tanner.

"Am I going to enjoy this kidnapping?" I asked when Tanner had begun to back out of the driveway. _As if I could not enjoy a day alone with Tanner._

In lieu of an answer Tanner just smirked and turned up the radio. _He obviously remembers that I like surprises._ I took that as my cue to enjoy the scenery and occasionally catch glimpses of his profile as we cruised along the highway. I held my hope of a romantic surprise silently because I did not want to do anything that might jinx the date. _Err I mean kidnapping._

It became clear in a few hours that we were headed into the city. I had been to the city several times before but I just preferred the country. Something about the sheer size of it caused me anxiety. I craved the open air of the country to the crowded streets of the city.

Tanner must have noticed the change in my posture because he grabbed my hand pulling my fingers to his lips for a slight kiss.

"I want to show you where I have been Libby," Tanner started, "to show you some of the reasons I loved being in the city."

I caught his gaze and you could see he was visibly nervous about what my reaction would be. I squeezed his hand and said, "Ok Tanner show me what you've got."

The relief rolled off him in waves and I made the decision right then and there to give him the day to let me into that part of his life. It was important enough for him to bring me here so the least I could do was give him a chance to prove me wrong about the city.

After searching for a parking space, one of the reasons I preferred the country, we went to an art museum with an entire wing dedicated to landscape photography. We had taken a few school trips to museums but I had not been in one as an adult. The difference was phenomenal and I quickly understood why Tanner had chosen this place.

I had not realized that Tanner loved photography and he had even taken a few courses during college to help him hone his hobby. He confessed that during some of the most stressful times at work he would take his camera for a few hours and just walk around the city snapping hundreds of shots as things presented themselves. I made him promise to show me some of his favorites when we got back to the ranch.

It was amazing to see Tanner with such passion for something, but his description of the stress at work also raised a red flag. He still had not disclosed his exact reason for leaving the city and every time I brought up work he was swift to change the subject. I pushed the questions down as we moved on to the next surprise visit, a theatre production of Wicked.

As children we had a slumber party every year when The Wizard of Oz played on TV. We ate popcorn and s'mores and tried to scare each other when the flying monkeys came on. I realized as I thought back that we actually continued that tradition up through high school. We just did more kissing during those years than watching of the movie.

It was incredibly sweet that he chose this particular show. There were a lot of plays in the city but he had made sure the one we saw was meaningful. It was just another thing Tanner did to remind me of the reasons I had fallen in love with him to begin with. Tanner had always been good at remembering the small stuff most people take for granted. It was a wonderful trait and I was glad he had not lost it.

It was a late afternoon showing but it was still a sold out show and the people watching was excellent. There was so much excitement in the air it would have been hard not to get caught up in it. I squeezed his hand as the music started and I do not think my smile could have grown any bigger. The musical was fantastic and the joy on Tanner's face when I gushed over the performance was enough to make me want to buy tickets for the next show. He was trying to please me and so far it was definitely working.

Bit by bit I was beginning to allow myself to see how Tanner could love the city. There was so much to do here and just as many different kinds of people to interact with. It was like another world and if you belonged in this world then the ranch world would never be enough for you. Pieces of the puzzle that was Tanner were falling into place. _He really did not want to be at home did he?_

We walked through parks and stopped at a farmer's market in the middle of all the corporate buildings for a piece of fruit to snack on. Then he took me to a bookstore that seemed to go on for miles. He even confided in me that he come here on Sundays after breakfast and read for hours about anything that did not have to do with finance. I wanted to ask why but something in the way his eyes clouded over told me to wait him out. Tanner would tell his tale when they time was right for him.

Even though we seemed to walk for hours and Tanner was a knowledgeable tour guide, we seem to sidestep any actual buildings Tanner had lived or worked in. He was showing me his social life and the reasons he had fallen in love with the city. Maybe those other things are why he had needed to start over. I tried to shake negativity from my thoughts and just enjoy that he was choosing to share anything with me.

Our final destination of the day was a cozy and quaint restaurant inside a refurbished house on the east side of the river. There were white tablecloths, candles and tuxedoed waiters. I was feeling intimidated until I felt Tanner's hand close over mine as the host led us to our corner table. _Why does his touch still have that calming and soothing_ affect _on me?_

The menu was mouthwatering with fresh seafood and pasta. There were soups, salads, fish I had never even heard of and vegetables prepared in every way imaginable. It was an overwhelming amount of choices and there were no prices listed. _I don't want Tanner to think I am getting the most expensive thing on the menu to spite him. I don't even know what his financial situation is since he moved back._

I was struggling to decide what might be cheapest on the menu when Tanner, who must have seen my resistance, said, "Would you mind if I ordered for both of us?"

I am sure my exclamation of relief could be heard across the room but as long as I did not have to decide it was worth it. Tanner smiled and ordered what seemed like a ridiculous amount of food for two people but I trusted him and knew it would be delicious. He also ordered us each a glass of wine. I made a toast to kidnapping and we talked about everything we had done that day until our meals came. I made sure that Tanner knew how much I appreciated his thoughtfulness throughout the day without sounding mushy or overly sentimental. I was using a mom trait to keep things light but still important.

Then our food was delivered and I was like a fish out of water. I do not know where Tanner learned to eat like this but I could see why he had become so spoiled. We had a creamy potato and leek soup, a winter root vegetable salad, glazed salmon and a chocolate soufflé from heaven covered in angel dust (or powdered sugar). I loved good food but had only been exposed to home-style food that was good for a family and a bunch of ranch hands. As I licked my spoon of chocolate soufflé I decided I could definitely get used to eating like this.

The conversation flowed easily throughout dinner with Tanner explaining how he had learned about different types of food by entertaining clients and trying as many restaurants as he could. I shared the cooking wisdom I had picked up over the years by watching The Food Network, learning from his mom and trying to get a picky kid to eat healthy. _A feat that is so much harder than anyone tells you._ Tanner had relaxed since we had arrived in the city, almost as if he had left his skin here and was returning his body to its rightful place. _Why does that thought make me sad? I want Tanner to be happy don't I?_

Tanner mentioned that he brought me to the city to show me his past life putting the stress on the past part. He was now ready to be part of the ranch, as long as he could visit the city once a year. I laughed at his deadpan face and took another bite of dessert. I continued to watch Tanner as I cleaned my spoon. His eyes had gone from playful to heated in seconds. I realized that I had been sighing while licking the spoon and I am sure I had a look of pure joy on my face. I was touched by his gaze in places long since dormant and I felt the blush creep up my face. While this should have embarrassed me, it actually made me feel powerful and sexy.

Tanner took my hand for the rest of the dessert and coffee and never took his eyes off my lips. You could measure the heat of our connection and anyone around us could almost certainly feel the charged atmosphere. Tanner had not kissed me since the day in the barn and I had been wondering if he regretted it. However the look in his eyes tonight said he was leaning towards the side of doing it again and soon. _Cannot be soon enough._

We walked hand in hand back to the truck and he reached around me for the car door. _Now or never Libby._ I turned in his arms and raised my chin while moistening my bottom lip with my tongue. I heard his breath catch and watched his eyes spark with want. I rose up on my toes meeting him halfway before his mouth claimed mine. The kiss was sweet then needy as his arms pulled me close enough to feel his heartbeat. Our tongues met in hesitation but quickly remembered each other and we both fell deeper into the kiss. _Home sweet home._

When we finally pulled apart both of us were short of breath and Tanner's eyes were wild with the desire I remember him having for me long ago. He leaned forward and kissed me gently without a word and helped me into the truck. My legs were shaking and my lips felt swollen and unbelievable. _This was what a kiss should do to you._

A kiss should turn your world upside down and leave you always wanting more. Tanner Dixon knew how to kiss me and he obviously remembered our kissing lessons at the stream because he never missed a beat. Giving and taking when necessary, allowing me to follow his kiss with contentment I had not felt in years. As he got into his side I was struggling to keep myself from crawling onto his lap and begging to be kissed again. I knew that we both needed time and as awesome as the day was, we still had a lot to learn about each other. The difficulty was convincing my body of this fact. _One more kiss is not going to cut it so wait and see._

By the time we were in the car heading back to the ranch I was exhausted from the non-stop agenda of the day. The truth is I would always be a country girl at heart, but the fact that Tanner wanted to let me into his world was a big leap forward in repairing our broken relationship.

He had thought of everything on our kidnapping date today and I could not shake the feeling that we had crossed over the final barrier in our healing process. He obviously wanted to be more than friends, but I was still not one hundred percent sure he wanted to work towards a romantic relationship.

His city life sounded fast paced and hectic but full of interesting people and places. I could see some of the places he had pointed out to me held more meaning than others, but the pieces of his time away were slowly falling into place. My body had made up its mind about the grown-up Tanner, but my mind was still filling in the blanks. There was still so much missing from the picture, but I had to be honest with myself and recognize that my heart did not care. I had Tanner Dixon in my life again and I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet.

The city lights showed up in the rearview mirror and I happily tucked away the memories from today. I knew I was taking a risk allowing myself to dream of a future with Tanner but I wanted him and I would be doing myself a disservice to not at least try. The only thing left for me to do was be prepared to accept what he was going to give me. That and how I might have to decide if it was going to be enough.

I started to nod off and cuddled closer to Tanner for warmth and stability. Tanner had always been my rock throughout my younger years and leaning on him came as naturally as breathing. His arm came around my shoulders and pulled me to him. His chest was warm and I could feel his heart beating. I was tempted to slide my hand through the buttons of his shirt and touch his skin, but I thought better of it. Best to wait until the time was right, if there was even going to be a time.

I barely remember smiling up at Tanner with heavy eyelids thinking about how full my heart felt at that moment. It was as if the lightning had opened up a portion of my heart that had been shielded from the world since Tanner left and right now that hole was filled with love and contentment.

With the last of my consciousness I whispered, "I love you Tanner," then slipped off to sleep before he even had a chance to reply.

To be continued...

### Thank you for reading!

### Please visit your favorite eBook retailer to view the next books in the "Cowgirl Desires" series.

## Last Chance Cowboy

by

Kelly Warren

# Chapter One

Carmen held his wrist checking his pulse as the dust stirred in the air. All around them people gaped wondering whether the bull would charge at the medic and cowboy again. One of the bullfighters sprinted between the bull and the fallen rider while Carmen put her hand on Tad's shoulder. Her black hair touched his forehead briefly. Although he lay on his back in the middle of the arena, he at least felt hair on his forehead. He checked what else he could still feel. He didn't know the extent of how badly he was injured. When he reached to his waist, it hit him like he'd been pierced by the horns of a bull. He couldn't feel anything from the neck down.

Only moments passed since the announcer hollered, "This kid is tough. Determination, sheer will!" Moments later, the announcer panicked, "Folks, Tad can't get his body working right. Sure is a testament to how tough these guys are that he's face down in the dust, and took the daddy of them all tumbles and is STILL rising up on one arm. Looks like they got a first responder right there ready to get him up and back on soon."

Tad's face rested an inch from Carmen's and his alert eyes darted at Carmen as he struggled to understand why he couldn't ratchet his body forward like he'd done hundreds of times before. He'd made it almost the full eight seconds. He wondered what all the other cowboys thought of him lying there like a wasted piece of bacon.

His father's coming down on him all those years sank into his jaw and he bit down hard to suppress a yell, only because Carmen was inches from his face. Carmen could see him withhold that type of yell you figured riders released up on the bull that escaped the ears of the crowd, drowned out by the roar of the crowd.

"Carmen how's he," asked Andy Hess, the chute boss, as the crew carried him back behind the chute out of the ring. "Nothing has ever notch that kid down so hard."

"He's disoriented of course and he can't move his neck or back. The hooves of the bull landed around his shoulders. Hopefully the swelling is what's causing the lack of movement."

***

Before the rodeo...

Tad rode steers since he was twelve. By the time he was 22, he'd wanted to win a major rodeo. His parents raised him true to the western heritage all of his life. He loved the ritual of getting his bag out and rope ready. The feeling of slipping into his pants, riding boots and spurs was his favorite part of the day.

Early on, he rode on a bull named Showcasing. The bull had a head of steam; he was always wound up and ready to buck. Tad learned right away to spur and dig into the thick of his hide and hang on. Tad learned quickly he needed to get good with his legs so he could go on the offensive with any of the 2,000-pound mass of bucking beef. He didn't want to just hang on for mercy; he wanted to ride one.

Tad lived in Gainesville about 30 miles from Mountain Top Rodeo. Sixty rodeos a year banged up his body pretty well, but he knew the risk he was taking. That's why he taped his ankles before he ever entered the arena. He loved making this kind of a living. He learned a long time ago that roping was like football practice. You get beat up but you still need to make the touchdown, there is no room for crying.

***

Laying on the stretcher, Tad played the hour before he came out the chute over and over again in his mind. Every time, there was some familiarity to the feeling. However, something about that hour set his whole body on fire.

He cleaned the old rosin off his rope with a wire brush to remove the dirt, because it kept the rosin from getting sticky. Then, he broke up fresh rosin powder and burned it on the rope with his thick wedge bullriding glove on his rope. When it got hot, it got sticky to the consistency he liked and needed to make sure he felt that rope was going to stick in his hand. He knew he would have a good grip on the bull strap.

He held the rope around the girth of the animal like he'd done many times before. He squeezed it tight and wrapped the rope around one hand. He breathed in and heard the snorting sound of the bull. The clatter of metal clang all around filled his mind. A cowbell blew. Someone dropped some tools.

Most of the time he got so focused, he could block all of the sound out of his head as if nothing was going on around him except for him and the bull. He knew he had the right rosin stickiness on the rope. He collected pine forest resin in the forest when he was a kid, but after several go-arounds, and cooking the soap together in a pot, he started to buy premium glycerine in bar form or pounds of black rosin and carried it in his bag.

He punched the bull strap hard to make sure it stuck in his palm. Even though Nickeled and Dimed didn't give off like he was restless, Tad felt this animal's restlessness in every aching joint of his body. The flank strap already annoyed Nickeled and Dimed. It would certainly get Nickeled and Dimed bucking high, especially since he'd been bare for at least a year and would try to get this rope off as quickly as the chute would let him. A simple head nod. He was ready.

Two men that answered to Andy Hess opened the gate and the bull burst into the ring ready to buck that flank strap off. Streams of bull snot flew in every direction covering Tad's square-toed boots. Then he was off on the snot-snorting bull. He didn't feel ripped off until he found himself flying in the air, bouncing on his neck and spine wishing it was a soft mattress a few seconds later. The bull had locked on him and it had taken two wranglers to steer Nickeled and Dimed back toward a chute and away from Tad as Carmen approached. A bull can powerfully use his neck muscles to lift four refrigerators.

***

Present...

Carmen's snakeskin boots had streaks of orange and yellow on the goat leather length of the boot rubbing against her calves and beige and brown python skin around her feet. She noticed that they were dusty, then she looked up just as Nickeled and Dimed threw Tad into the air.

As he landed, the announcers anxiously said, "Oh my Lord. That is a bad hit!" Carmen jumped up. Tad fell to the ground. The look on his face showed excruciating pain. "Ladies and gentlemen Tad Micks!" His hat hung off his neck. Rodeo riding was Tad's drug and he dreamed about it ever since he was a little kid. Carmen saw it in his eyes. Although he was hurt, it was the kind of hurt that made him feel most alive. She held onto his shoulder.

Carmen and the sports medics quickly evaluated his injuries, they were bad enough to have to take him to the nearby hospital. Tad joked, "Guess it's gonna be something outside of the trailer. I guess I'll need a little more than tape."

Carmen knew that Tad would say something funny at a time like this. In all her life, she'd never been without the rodeo, except for summer camp, but that's about it. Otherwise, since a very early age she'd seen a number of rodeo falls.

Tad looked a lot like her brother Fernando. Of course, not in features or skin color, but the look in his eyes, and the expression he held onto spoke volumes about how badly he couldn't wait for the next turn on the back of a bull. Carmen wanted to cry as they took Tad to the hospital. Fernando never made it to the hospital. Carmen told the other medics she needed to go get a brief snack and walk around a bit. The thought of Fernando crawled into her mind and would not let go.

She learned what had happened when she was eighteen. It was too late before anyone could help him out. Bull riding rode through his blood like a crow attacking a nest, persistently, undeterred and ruthlessly. No holding back, Fernando took to bull riding at a very young age while Carmen was more of a bookworm. She usually tried desperately to keep up with her competitors in classes. She graduated early from high school at the age of 16.

Two years later, her brother was dead. He died at the age of 22, the same age as Tad. Fernando's bull was named Moody off the Chain. Throughout his career, Fernando won several titles and practiced all of the time. He'd left a few younger kids so in awe of his riding that they'd line up asking him how'd he do it. He was proud of his reputation and his skills. He wasn't interested in hanging out with his friends. He preferred to try to improve all of the time, single-mindedly. He grabbed Moody off the Chain that day in the chute. When they opened it, Carmen heard from the chute boss Fred Gaunder that there wasn't a single thing that Fernando could have done differently that morning.

In fact, Fred still sometimes reminded Carmen that earlier that morning he'd had a wonderful personal moment with him looking at the hills and talking about their future. Fernando even said that there was something so special about calling Georgia home. Every morning, he couldn't wait to get outside and see it unfold in all its beauty. Not a day went by that Fernando didn't want to be on a bull though.

Carmen was always a bit more of the intellectual. She tried to always extricate herself from taking Fernando to the rodeo, because she juggled a schedule that included MENSA meetings and study sessions. She was fast-tracking her success in high school. She'd gotten her high school diploma at the age of sixteen and then went straight to college and finished medical school at twenty-four. Once she got to college, Fernando sent her photos of himself at various rodeos. Then, the letters and the photos stopped.

Fernando never recuperated from his injuries when he fell off Moody off the Chain. He rode at a time when the rodeos didn't have a full time sports medicine team on site. He could have avoided his death had there been a qualified doctor present. He fractured his neck and spine after Moody off the Chain trampled him under his hooves. He lay there motionless, like a discarded doll.

Carmen ordered a pretzel and a root beer. She sat down and tore at the pretzel remembering how many times she had shared a pretzel with her brother. Before the fractures in his neck and spine killed him, he'd always called her a little moody. Carmen could be moody at times, but she loved hearing it from her brother, only because it was ironic coming from him since he could flare up or taper off at any time himself. He'd never felt completely at ease in his own body and his emotions always got the best of him, except for when he was preparing for rodeo. Then, he looked calm.

He made his own rosin. He spent hours looking for the perfect braided rope. He'd gaze at bulls at rodeos studying their every move to see how he might try to anticipate the bucking motions and every one of their reactions to the flank strap. He'd close his eyes and enjoy the vision of containing the rage of the bull. On the contrary, Carmen would sooner hurl herself down a track head-first on a bobsled than test how she might destroy the wildness of a bull.

However the day her brother Fernando died set her on a course to make sure that no other rodeo rider with a passion for the sport would die just because there were no qualified doctors around. She wondered at times about whether it was a thrill to tempt the animal to test human capability or if there was a real spiritual enjoyment for a rodeo rider. Riding collected all the random thoughts of the day and forced you to deal with life and death on an animal's terms using all your skills and senses.

It took the focus of a rock climber, which Carmen could relate to since she had tried rock climbing and realized how quickly it emptied your mind. You were always planning, trying a new move, balancing, and using everything you had to cling to the rock.

She looked down at her pretzel. It looked so unappetizing. She wanted desperately to share it with Fernando again. She broke off a piece and set it to the side then took a quick bite. Tears filled her brown eyes. She hoped that he was riding all the best bulls that had reached their eventual end up in the sky.

An hour away from the rodeo ringside felt more like a lifetime. She grabbed her root beer. Fernando would have loved the flavor and the label. He would have slowly pealed it off and asked her if she wondered if there was an ounce of happiness in every drop like they said in the commercials. She would have told him, like she did when they were growing up, that there were very few ways that anyone could bottle up happiness. If only he wouldn't have found his happiness for the last time.

She approached the chute boss Andy Hess. He told her that as they put Tad into the ambulance, he'd said, "I'd guess then that somebody better cancel my entry in the rodeo tomorrow."

# Chapter Two

The tractor rolled through the field next door and kicked up loads of dust. Carmen blinked a few times to see clearly. She opened the door to her cherry red Ford F-150 and got in. She checked to see if there was anywhere in the car that wasn't dusty. Looked like her dash and seats escaped the mess, but she'd tracked some in already onto the rubber mat in the driver's seats. Her cell phone rang.

"Hello," she asked, since she couldn't identify the number. She wouldn't have answered it normally, but she wanted to make sure that it didn't have anything to do with Tad.

"Hey Carmen, got a second?" She heard.

"Yeah sure," she recognized Andy Hess' voice. "How's it going Andy? Everything alright?"

Andy responded, "Yes, no problems we can't handle. How's Tad?"

Carmen said, "He's recuperating. Tough you know at this stage. He's got a great supportive network of people though that I've met a few times. I'm heading over there right now."

She headed to visit Tad at the hospital in Gainesville for the third time this week. The drive from her hometown of Dahlonega to Gainesville took about half an hour. Just like Fernando, Tad sustained a series of fractures in his neck and spine after the bull had his way with his body. Carmen grabbed only a few things to take with her for the visit, but she forgot to comb her hair as she looked in the mirror. Her hair poked out everywhere.

Andy hurried, "Then, I don't want to keep you. I just wanted to let you know that in a few weeks we're going to give you a little breathing room and have another doctor sub in here at the rodeo. That way you can really help out with Tad and his family and the rehab process. They're counting on you and then we'll get you back over here at the rodeo. In the meantime, see you tomorrow this side of the chute."

"Sounds good to me. See you tomorrow," Carmen agreed.

Carmen slept heavily the night before. She blamed the emotions surrounding Tad on the death of her brother Fernando. Her plans to keep her emotions out of it didn't turn out.

Desperate to figure out how she was going to look at Tad and see Tad, not Fernando; therefore she tried to get to know his family. During one of the first visits to the hospital, she introduced herself to his parents Greg and Sally. They seemed nice enough. Greg sported a white wide-brimmed cowboy hat with a black sash. His grey hair was short on the top and long on the sides with a clean part a few inches above his left ear. His smile lines stretched on his face and his eyebrows crested like bird formations over a pair of knowing eyes.

He towered over Sally by at least a foot. Sally was a few inches shorter than Carmen, and wore a white long sleeve shirt and a fuzzy black vest. Her eyebrows were long and thin and she wore the slightest amount of make-up around her eyes. Carmen spotted a hint of blush in her apple shaped cheeks

Sally looked so proud. She managed to appear composed despite Carmen's skeptical expression that she barely hid. She tried to act professionally. She was a doctor. She'd seen many falls. However, Sally had no idea that what started Carmen's career in the first place was the death of her own brother with the exact same injuries that Tad suffered.

Carmen didn't want to reveal that side of herself, she didn't want to take away from their own way of handling Tad's condition. She always hated when someone jumped in with their own story, when she was doing everything she could to not breaking down. Sometimes, it was just alright to nod and let the silence itself make up for biting your tongue.

Greg placed his arm around Sally's shoulder and greeted Carmen, "You must be the doctor Tad mentioned helped him at the rodeo."

Carmen replied, "Yes, he's a very good rider."

Greg and Sally smiled. Greg boasted, "Wait till you see all the trophies!" Greg closed his eyes, but only briefly, then regained his look at Carmen. "You've probably met some of the greatest in this sport. I know the sports doctors play a big role in helping these guys stare danger in the eye time and time again despite the prospect of punishment and injury. I tell you that bull Tad was taming, well; we're a bit taken back, but not surprised since he enjoys a physical challenge. He's been drawn to the sport since other kids were grabbing their bicycles."

Sally added, "He even trained high school kids at their rodeos."

Carmen said, "He's been mostly injury free. Wild, scary rides suit many of the cowboys. How's he doing?"

Greg went on, "Tad always said it's all adrenaline. There's no time to think."

Carmen said, "Every bull rider knows it's coming. They are just asking themselves when and how bad."

"I think he wants his muscle memory back. He can't believe he can't squeeze his legs. His legs." Sally tapered off.

As the visits progressed, Carmen noticed that she got along great with the family. Tad didn't know anything else besides bulls and lassoing calves. He'd tried other jobs, really odds jobs; he'd always quit to go to the next rodeo. Carmen spent hours a week helping after Tad was stabilized and out of the ICU. He had surgery a little less than two weeks after to fuse some of the fractured vertebrae in his neck and spine. He was able to move his arms successfully again. That inspired him.

She helped with the impatient rehabilitation program to help him regain as much independent function of his body as possible to get him ready to return home. Every day he worked his butt off to put all of his effort into getting better. For tad it became about effort, attitude and resilience, which replaced determination and sheer will.

Carmen told all of them a few weeks after the surgeons had placed pins in Tad's spine that Tad would have to rely on hardware and an external brace, but that the broken vertebrae in his back should heal in about six months. That might mean he could compete again in the arena in roughly a year.

Tad smiled, he would have jumped up right then and there if he was allowed too. Tad's girlfriend Sheila walked in. She was the spitting image of a motor chick.

Sheila introduced herself to Carmen, "Hi I'm Sheila. You must be the doctor Tad told me all about."

Carmen said, "Pleasure to meet you. You must be Tad's right-hand man."

Sheila smiled and said, "Something like that." From the looks of it, Sheila couldn't decide if she was grateful that Carmen was there or jealous that she took such an interest in Tad's recovery.

Carmen could see that there was something rubbed Sheila the wrong way, because she left the room right away and only looked at Tad briefly.

Under normal circumstances, Tad might have come up with an excuse for her, but given the pain he was enduring, it only seemed right that he just overlooked Sheila's rude behavior. Carmen shook it off. She'd been around cowboys and their passion ran deep in their personal relationships. She got used to setting her feelings aside.

The hard part for her was going to be all the memories that came up about Fernando. A jealous girlfriend was easy to handle. This had been life changing and in many cases like in horrific rodeo falls the loved ones, especially fiancées or girlfriends didn't stick around. The switch from being involved with a cowboy who traveled state to state every night to make some big bucks and rode raging bulls to one that had to be hoisted up onto a transfer lift to get him to a chair harmed many relationships.

Additionally, they often lost an emotional connection since the cowboy had to undergo so much himself, not just in sustaining the injury, but also in contradiction to all the glory he felt riding that might never be felt again. They lived for riding.

# Chapter Three

Carmen was used to the rodeo ways. It was the life of a gypsy. She loved the time working at the rodeos and the time in between. Besides, she had Tad's care to consider. He was recovering well. His spirits were higher.

Inside the hospital, there was a flurry of activity as usual and she passed the reception area and headed straight for Tad's room. She figured she would work on several stretches, and get him educated on some of the equipment they would have sent to his house. Also, she wanted to address how to deal with all the changes.

She walked in quickly and greeted Tad. "Tad, you are looking great. It's amazing to see how far you've come. I have a ton of good news for you today." Then she stopped. He wasn't alone. He had a visitor, someone she hadn't met before. Maybe it was someone from the rodeo. He looked like a fellow cowboy.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt your conversation. Please, I can come back, continue." She gestured that she was going to leave and Tad stopped her.

Tad exclaimed, "No wait! Carmen, meet my brother Cavanaugh. He's my older brother. Cavanaugh, meet Carmen. She's the woman who saved my life."

Cavanaugh tipped his hat and bowed his head. He slowly looked up at Carmen and offered her one of his best sheepish grins, steeling himself because he wanted to give her a big cowboy hug, but figured it was pretty inappropriate as a first impression. Instead he put that hug into his words, "Ma'am... Carmen, I mean, I can't tell you how grateful I am for everything, I mean everything you've ever done for my brother. He's here breathing because of you."

Carmen lost her breath. She was looking at one of the most attractive men she'd ever met. He wore a soft brown suede cowboy hat with x's like kisses stitched all the way around the base of the crown. His brown hair curled a bit at the ends. He wore a tight grey plain t-shirt over bulging muscles. Carmen couldn't get enough of his dark features. His brown eyes, red lips and enough peach fuzz on his face to make kissing a dangerous sport wowed her, but she figured he would lick the rough spots later in that case. Carmen wasn't sure whether she needed to rip herself away or faint. Instead, she braced herself, and undoubtedly blushing a tad bit in the process. She saw she was going to have a restless night.

"Things get extreme. Everything is still attached. So Tad's golden. His degree of toughness saved him. All he needs is a bag of ice."

"Voice of reason, Doc," said Cavanaugh. "Not your job to please them. It's your job to sort it out. Thanks!"

Carmen said, "I better take off and give you boys some time to chat. I'll come back tomorrow, Tad. It was nice to meet you Cavanaugh."

"Likewise," Cavanaugh said.

Carmen left without a complaint despite wishing she could stand there for a lot longer just taking in Cavanaugh.

***

It felt like she lived in her dusty car. She called ahead to the hospital to ask Tad if it was a good time to visit. It was at the time she called. However, the minute she walked into the hall where his room was, she saw things being wheeled around his room and lots of business. She asked the nurse where he had been transferred.

Her phone rang. She answered. It was Sally, Tad's mother. "I meant to call you this morning as soon as Tad told me that he spoke to you and you were on your way, but please forgive me. I apologize. I meant to tell you; anyway they told us real early this morning that he could go home and we got so excited we hopped in the car. Just in case they changed their minds! We would love it if you would continue your care of Tad at the house and make sure the nurse does their job right. Could you visit sometime soon? Maybe today? We're already at home."

Carmen accepted the invitation. She told Sally she'd be there tomorrow.

The nurse said, "Well, I guess you don't need me to tell you then. By the way, he left this little book, if you don't mind bringing it to him. Have a good day!" The nurse handed her a small book "The Power of Positive Thinking and left the room.

Carmen decided to grab a quick bite to eat since she hadn't had much time to sit down and catch her breath. She had to head to the rodeo and work for a while. She loved eating alone sometimes. It gave her a chance to look around and not deal with people's aches and pains.

# Chapter Four

Visiting him a few times every week for the past month at the hospital made a big difference for Tad. The next day, Carmen arrived at his house to show him how to use the new equipment. The equipment was for his legs and some slow physical therapy. He'd be wearing a protective brace so that his neck didn't have to do any of the heavy lifting until it was strong enough.

The first time Carmen walked into Tad's parents' house, they welcomed her. They knew all rodeo workers could never discourage a cowboy from what he loved. Even so part of her wanted to lash out at anyone who came through the door that mention the rodeo or remind them of it after an accident.

On the wall in the foyer, Carmen saw a row of rodeo buckles, plates and hats with Tad's name on them and dates for each of the rodeos. The apple of their eyes lay upstairs temporarily paralyzed. Greg and Sally saw Carmen notice the wall of trophies.

Sally said, "We were especially proud of Tad when he got that hat, the one to your right after he'd landed straight up on his feet on a bull named Empty. He ran on Empty and that bull looked tired afterwards."

She continued, "He's upstairs. Anything I can get you to drink or eat? He's about to have his favorite, grilled cheese."

"Sure, sounds wonderful whatever Tad is having," Carmen said. She looked restless.

Sally offered gratefully, "I'll take you up to see him. He's upstairs. He's real glad that you're taking the time. I know he's told us a few times that without the traveling sports medicine team, they couldn't strive to keep at the top of their game since you know the history of each of these cowboys."

Carmen nodded and stated, "That's true, you can't tell someone who loves the sport not to do it. It doesn't work that way. From the looks of it he's got a lot to show for it."

Carmen and Sally walked up the stairs quietly, although she felt she could wager to guess what Sally was really feeling inside. The rodeo was in his blood. Carmen smiled to herself thinking about how he would have found any excuse to compete, just like Fernando.

Family photos and mostly photos of Tad with his ropes and saddles lined the walls before they reached his bedroom one photo stood out to Carmen. Tad lassoed a calf and he threw his hat up in celebration. The photo was a bit blurry, but the feeling made up for the lack of defining lines in the picture.

Right before Sally opened the door, she thanked Carmen for all of the information she sent to her on home care. "I didn't even know where to start Carmen. You've really been a great help despite Tad's condition. He's still in shock."

Carmen said, "It's very possible he will be able to walk again."

Sally opened the door to Tad's room and they both entered. Tad lay still until he noticed opened his eyes and saw Carmen. "Hello. Nice to see you again," Carmen said.

He looked down for a moment and smiled sheepishly.

Sally left to go make the grilled cheese sandwiches.

Carmen grinned, "I brought you something."

Tad said, "A new pair of legs?"

Carmen flashed, "Something like it."

Tad quizzed, "Okay, where is it?"

"You left this at the hospital," Carmen revealed. She handed him the book.

The nurse walked in. Jessica and Carmen discussed a few things about his care after introductions. Carmen's help with Tad's care relieved Jessica since Tad had already told Jessica of Carmen's care since the rodeo accident.

Carmen went downstairs to grab the grilled cheese sandwiches and help Sally. On her way downstairs, she noticed Sally already coming up the stairs with the sandwiches. Sally indicated that she'd take the sandwiches up to Tad's room. Carmen said she would be right there. She stopped and gazed at two pictures side by side for a moment. It was a picture of Tad and Cavanaugh as kid's calf roping.

In one of the pictures, one of the boys sat on a horse holding a long rope and the photographer caught the rope lassoing in the air as a calf ran ahead of the horse. Then, in the next photo the lasso was wound around the calf's neck. Another little boy grabbed the lassoed calf and pushed him down to the ground, while the boy on the horse crouched alongside of him, tying up the calf's legs.

She wondered who was who and then a smooth as silk voice said, "the one on the horse is me and that's my little brother roping the calf. We named him Great on the Ranch, but they still didn't let us keep him."

Carmen jumped slightly and composed herself quickly. She said, "Hi Cavanaugh. I didn't hear you walk up."

Cavanaugh said appreciatively, "You were so lost in the picture. I know. I get lost in there sometimes too. We've been around this rodeo life all our lives and it still casts a spell on me. I can't imagine anything better."

"I've lived in Georgia all my life also," Carmen admitted wistfully.

Cavanaugh pointed, "Now, that picture _was_ in Georgia. You know the spot?"

"Yes, actually, I roped there as a kid too. It looks like the Blue Ridge Kiwanis Rodeo in the summer time," Carmen recognized it.

Cavanaugh confirmed, "It is. I didn't know you carried ropes too. I bet you got teased a bit if you were around any of the kids I hung out with."

Carmen laughed, "Thin skins didn't really work out from the beginning."

Cavanaugh snickered, "I know. I got pretty toughened up early. Got pretty banged up. Me and Tad always had ourselves a ball roping. Every time you threw that lasso and you missed the calf in front of all those parents and people from around the area, you got humble pretty quick. There were a few times we wanted to run and hide, but that feeling went away after a few times."

"People generally know that it's not generally perfect like it is in the big leagues," Carmen asserted.

Cavanaugh bragged, "We vied for the big leagues ever since I can remember."

Carmen found herself tongue-tied. All she could imagine was how stirred up she felt; given any more time she might say something very inappropriate. Cavanaugh couldn't have been caught up in the moment any less. A mutual attraction kept both of them staring at the photo to avoid making any quick motions, despite feeling an overwhelming desire to act on their urges. Lightheadedness transmitted itself between her and Cavanaugh that made standing there any longer impossible and from the looks of it neither of them really wanted the feeling to go away.

Carmen broke the silence first given it seemed the right thing to do in the moment. "I remember that festival arena like I was just there." She turned toward Cavanaugh and looked into his chocolate eyes. He didn't step away. They fed each other's souls.

Cavanaugh abruptly thanked her, "Thanks again, for saving my brother's life. He'd wanted to ride a bull like Nickeled and Dimed since roping Great on the Ranch. I wouldn't know what to do without that kid."

Carmen choked up a bit remembering Fernando. She turned away so that she could avoid giving Cavanaugh any clue about her emotional reasons for helping Tad. She looked back at the picture and said, "I don't need any thanks. He deserved good care, that's all."

She walked back towards Tad room. Sally said, "You're grilled cheese is cold by now."

Carmen said circumspectly, "It's the way I like it."

# Chapter Five

Given the kind of guy Cavanaugh was, it wasn't surprising that he wondered how he might conquer every steer and every bull in his dreams nightly. These weren't just temporary fads. Cavanaugh was competing again and he prepared himself. He woke up determined to win, just like every time he woke up ready for the rodeo.

He was set to ride Welcome Wagon. He didn't think about all the boys he would compete with to psych himself out. Early morning sounds in Georgia gave him a time to appreciate the quiet and the animals that hid and darted around when you couldn't even see them.

It was round one and he planned to advance to round two and hoped to make it to the shoot out.

"Frontiers Championship brings us more champions. Remember today's rodeo we have champions from 6 prestigious rodeos competing for the prize money with a $20,000 pay out. The interesting factor is that you fans vote with a text message to choose which cowboy and what order your favorite cowboys will ride in the championship round." The fans loved this particular announcer, because he always made it fun and interactive.

"It's a good bull. A ranch bull. He spins real fast. Cavanaugh hasn't been on this bull ever, but he's sliding forward. Getting set to go. Welcome Wagon and Cavanaugh. There it is. Look at THIS! Come ONNN Georgia."

Cavanaugh rode out the chute on Welcome Wagon. The bull rounded left, really bucking and gave Cavanaugh the thrill of his life. He had a run of over 8 seconds.

"I smell a leader board change boys! How about 87.75. He's heading to round two folks no if, and, or buts. Give it up for Cavanaugh..."

Carmen stood a distance away from the chute. She didn't want to let Cavanaugh know she had watched or was even there. He had no idea of when or where he might see her at the rodeo, but Carmen strongly suspected that he figured that there might be a time he'd see her at one of them. She knew Cavanaugh was still taking in the crowd, and the energy in the arena was amazing. She knew how neat it was for Cavanaugh to walk around seeing all the other cowboys, known and lesser known, younger riders who've never ridden against a man they counted among their heroes.

Carmen saw a little boy dream in the bull riders of being the world champion. There wasn't a single one of them that thought they'd be beat by the bull. Grabbing life by the horns, the cowboys that ran around those arenas left a mark on the soul of every one who watched. Their pride, their charisma, their desire to win crackled like a fireplace in their eyes.

This was the American dream. No one could take away the spirit that drove every one of them. Even when they fell to the rough dirt, not one of them figured it was forever. They brushed right off and that made every one of them a champion no matter the size of the buckle or the length of the rope. For trying, each cowboy grabbed a piece of the fans' heart and never let it go. This made the rodeo the center of the universe without a doubt, the greatest place on earth. Not a circus, but something spectacular.

It resembled the feeling one got for wanting to be a champion and knowing full well that the risk was so great. The support however made the sport possible and without the crowd the arena would never roar. It would be silent like a dark dismal night, but the crowd made every single play, every single jump, every single fall, every single Hail Mary, every single win a memory of a lifetime.

Despite each person in that arena having very different limits to their capabilities, a cowboy made them think that they have it in them. Because it wasn't always in the win, more often than not it was just whether they could get back up again. If not, then what was the point of trying. The risk was too great to sit it out.

Carmen was there as a medic and she brought her best game, just like every cowboy who breathed fury, who breathed give me another, who breathed don't try to change me, and get out of my way. That's what filled the rodeo; the rodeo spirit was passed along to each soul that entered the arena.

Cavanaugh worked up to Round Two. This time he would ride Life-Long Dream. Cavanaugh got on Life-Long Dream. He was willing to bet that this bull wasn't going to get the best of him. His gleaming calves pressed alongside the tensed bull waiting to buck the flank strap off and if it meant Cavanaugh too, so be it.

Carmen stood watching with nothing but total and complete attention on Cavanaugh. It was like the first moment that they met each other. Nothing could stop that electricity between them. She wanted him badly. His cowboy smirks didn't help matters at all. She grabbed onto the fence post to steady herself. Moments later she wished she had jumped out in front of that chute and stopped Life-Long Dream.

The music started. "Is Cavanaugh going to be ten feet tall folks? Round Two Cavanaugh wants to make it to the shoot out where the top 4 compete for twenty grand. Life-Long Dream and Cavanaugh. Looks like he's trying to make that dream his own, not a single day goes by that Cavanaugh doesn't test that talent. Georgia, HAAAVE mercy! That boy has been doing this for years. Not just a SMALLLL town kid. Make some NOIIIISSEE right now as Cavanaugh gets ready to ride his Life-Long Dream."

The playful announcer continued, "This bull has bucked off Ross Hammons, Tony Grams, and George Tahlop. Cavanaugh knew never sit on the rear end of Life-Long Dream like Ross did when he got knocked out in the chute. Blood trickled down the veteran Ross face; his face was an example of what happens in the chute when he seat on the rear end, rather than sliding forward. I have one question for you folks, are you enjoying yourself tonight on this hot Georgia night and please thank our sponsors."

Cavanaugh rode out the chute on Life-Long Dream. The bull didn't buck left or right, just straight up over and over again, like a wailing see-saw attached to a live wire. Cavanaugh held on, seemed like for more than mercy. It looked like the bull was going to give Cavanaugh a run for the money. Three seconds. Four seconds. Carmen couldn't breath. She thought about Tad laying back at the house and how she needed to go see him tomorrow. The use of his arms was making Jessica's job easier for him. Suddenly, the crowd was hollering and brought Carmen right back into the moment.

"Come on cowboy. Look out he's trying to twist a buckin' bull and here's the man that might be able to do it right there. Cavanaugh. That is something we haven't seen from that bull. Oh folks!"

Suddenly, the crowd got deadly quiet with a few gasps piercing through.

"That cowboy just made himself a nightmare. That bull wasn't going to bring Peter Pan or Tinkerbelle to Cavanaugh. Someone get him a better night's sleep. Give that Georgia man some good Georgian love."

Cavanaugh thought he'd had a great straight ten days after earning about $16,500 for a few finishes at riding competitions. With the total score possible for a bull ride being 100 points, and having finished 3-for-3 with a combined score of 250.25 at a 400 point event a couple of days ago, Cavanaugh had been facing a great winning streak.

Just like with Tad, Carmen ran out first to respond. Cavanaugh didn't fall as badly as Tad did. This looked less serious. Except, every fall deserved full attention and luckily this time the bull didn't lock on Cavanaugh, although Carmen did. She ran out with a few other medics to assess his injuries. Cavanaugh could feel everything, but the pressure on his chest made him wonder whether he'd broken his ribs. Working in the dirt, the emergency professionals didn't let him wonder too long.

Cavanaugh said, "It doesn't feel broken."

Carmen assessed, "It's probably bruised ribs. You're lip needs a little TLC."

They pulled out a yellow plastic stretcher and carried Cavanaugh off the arena to the mobile sports medicine center that was set up during every outdoor rodeo. The emergency physicians alongside Carmen determined he had bruised ribs.

"Without you I'd be in a bind, Carmen. I'm not going to whine about it but sneezing is going to feel like being stabbed. None of this is fun," he confessed.

"We're always staying busy in here," she fought off blushing.

"Goes with the territory. If I'm not sore, well, I haven't gotten on enough bulls. Now, listen to me, I've sustained enough pain today. You want to go out and have dinner with me tonight when you're free," Cavanaugh asked.

Carmen looked at Cavanaugh for a moment like she was on brand new territory. She hadn't gone out on a date with a cowboy in a long time, and Cavanaugh held her spellbound. It was going to take everything she had to even finish the day.

She smiled at him considering his offer. "Sure thing, I'd love dinner with you."

Cavanaugh decided to take her to The Bourbon Street Grille. They always had some live music and an exciting lively atmosphere. They sat down at one of the tables looking out over the balcony. Cavanaugh didn't get shy all that much. In fact, one of the things that he really loved about hanging out with a doctor was that there couldn't be anything in the world that would make her squeamish. Plus, she knew what it took to get any of these cowboys riled up and laughing. They ordered some food and a few cocktails.

"I can already feel the healing happening Carmen. I think just being around the good feeling of the doctor on the day of an injury makes up for getting all banged up," he flirted.

She joked back, "Every healing has a story just like every scar. You should start feeling like the word 'Om' is going to slip out of your mouth any second and you'll find your pointing finger and thumb start wanting to make the okay sign."

Cavanaugh laughed, "Here I thought you were going to tell me you were going to ask the bartender to switch to a healing service on the television and start evangelizing. You will be healed! Your ribs cling together and are no longer the breaking kind!"

She got serious, "I was. I will anoint you but you must first believe." She laughed. Cavanaugh had an amazing smirk that just dazzled her. If he could smirk that way all the time, it would heal her. "It's about oneness. It's about being a conduit for the flow of healing energy."

Cavanaugh flowed, "The pain meds really help too."

Carmen changed the subject and said "Living fearlessly, abundantly, and wearing a dusty hat. Now that's charming. Who needs a hat that doesn't show some wear and tear," she casually considered.

Cavanaugh swanked proudly, "Dubbed the greatest hat wearer in four rodeos."

She matched his bravado with some flattery, "You've got to drive some girls wild and some city slickers running for the hills."

"Now, you're going to give me a big head," Cavanaugh sat like he was taken aback.

"Then you're hat won't fit anymore," she faked worry.

Cavanaugh suspected, "I know some people in the hat business."

She continued, "Tell me, I always wondered how you manage to never lose your hat?"

The food arrived. They played with their food, eating occasionally.

Cavanaugh answered, "It's molded to my head. Although right when I need to, I tip it to a fine lady such as yourself. I noticed your beautiful snake skin boots while you were helping carry the stretcher."

"Oh, yeah, I've even made a YouTube video showing them off. I've got one of my scuffed snakeskin boots and then my muddy ones. You've only seen my muddy ones in the arena." she shared.

Cavanaugh asked, "Breaking them in, well were they vintage or did you buy them?"

"I had them custom made. A shop in this square.... can't recall the name. However, I went on Yelp and rip them a new one for being closed when I came to pick up the boots," she said. She pulled them from out beneath her to show them off a bit. "However, they fit me like a glove."

Cavanaugh pleaded, "Who wants a glove on their feet darling?"

She justified, "obviously I do."

"Not your first rodeo? I figured that's what I'd get dispersing unsolicited advice to you," Cavanaugh sighed.

She retorted, "Don't squat with your spurs on."

"That's an arm jerker!"

"Listen Carmen, I like your style." Cavanaugh complimented her.

They sat facing each other with their hands often so close to touching but enjoying the feeling of the space between them. She percolated, "What am I getting myself into."

Cavanaugh insisted, "Keep it. I want you to watch me ride tomorrow."

She resisted, "I don't know."

Cavanaugh asked, "Gate's closing?"

She said, "Yeah. I don't want to see another ride." They ate quietly. Cavanaugh tried to change the subject. He didn't intend to shut her down, but the wall she built must have been twenty feet high and he'd have an easier time wrestling a steer at the moment than getting as close as they were a few minutes ago. Memories of her brother flooded her mind. She couldn't let it break her down to tears. She also couldn't lie to him and say she would be ready to watch him on the bull again the next day. She was falling for him and he know it, but wasn't going to say a thing about it, because he thought it might take some time.

He hadn't ever stopped to think what the doctors on the rodeo circuit went through day in and day out. More often than not, the cowboys were too busy getting themselves ready to get up on a bull. He wasn't really that ready to scare her off right now. He figured there was a lot of time to get to know what made her tick. She definitely knew what made bull riders mad. He decided he needed to take it slow and easy and see if some of the wounds he felt wouldn't find the ones she felt.

She needed to feel happy not just get caught up in his pursuit of happiness. Cavanaugh wondered if being a sports medical doctor made her happy. While they ate quietly, he remembered the number of times he'd seen the team of medics and how they tried to keep everyone's spirits up. No one pays attention to the doctors until they are needed.

Through all of this, the doctors kept them healthy for the next ride. They knew the knee tears, cracked pelvises, broken backs and all kinds of injuries weren't something that the doctors could look away from.

Cavanaugh concluded, "The way you guys care for us, well, I just have to say you're an angel. Thanks for the doctor release."

That warmed her heart a bit. Carmen looked up. She didn't want to share her reasons for not coming. If she constructed a lame excuse, she could imagine that it wouldn't come across as true and he'd wonder why she was pulling back from him. He might even walk away right after lunch and reduce his interaction with her to 'being nice' when she visited Tad. She observed that he wasn't going to dig anymore. He could deal with a no.

Carmen commented, "It's hard to get your bearings after a big fall. You'll ride the three bulls tomorrow and not get sore after the first one."

"I know bulls don't play by the rules. I just hope it doesn't ride away from my hand," Cavanaugh considered.

Carmen anticipated, "You're right-handed right? You're really in tune with your body. You've lasted on the circuit for years. You'll tough it out."

He said, "You know I noticed how absolutely beautiful you are, and I bet you'll even look more beautiful wearing my hat."

He slugged his beer.

Carmen said, "Lucky for you, you're my ride."

Cavanaugh hummed with understanding of the feeling they were exploring together. Still, he wasn't sure if she would get more restless tomorrow and start giving him the cold shoulder. There were lots of choices in her dating pool, and he wasn't exactly sure if she was just exploring the feeling between them.

Cavanaugh laughed, "And it's a much smoother ride for a pretty lady such as yourself."

Carmen inferred, "Than in the arena. Well, I should hope so." She laughed. He got her to laugh. That felt great.

"I've got a good draw," Cavanaugh shared.

Carmen asked, "You mean tomorrow?"

Cavanaugh smiled, "Yeah, I mean tomorrow."

Her head started to spin a little the minute she put on his cowboy hat. She felt, like the rodeo saying went, a little down in the well, except the feeling she was getting from Cavanaugh wasn't bull.

Carmen hoped that a kiss would come on a second date. Right now, she just wanted tomorrow to be done and to go help Tad. She looked down bashfully. He was looking forward to getting on a bull, except, the only way she wanted to see him was when they could get dirty.

He drove her home. Cavanaugh said, "I don't want to have to be in intensive care for you to drop by next time."

She didn't reply.

# Chapter Six

Carmen stood beside Tad while she propped him in the bed. He was showing his arm and leg movement.

Carmen said, "Many times a fracture at the T-12 through L-1 only means you'll spend 11 to 18 months away from bulls Tad."

Tad said dejectedly, but he was also torn, since he liked to see the positive side, "I'll put this behind me. It's cool. Like I've been rebuilt like some sort of robot."

"Learning to walk again and all the demanding physiotherapy is about as hard as riding those bulls Tad. But, you've looked fear in the eyes and didn't blink," Carmen reinforced.

Tad worried, "Lying down for weeks isn't going to help how it feels when I stand up."

"You're legs are not going to cooperate for a while, but we'll get you to where you can walk again. It's like bull riding 90% mental 10% physical. You get your head right and you'll start walking. Then, you can start riding again," Carmen asserted.

Carmen got Tad to sit sideways on the bed and brought a walker over to him.

Carmen reassured, "If it hurts too much we'll have you sit back down. Our goal is just for you to get walk around the bed and sit back down."

Tad stood up pressing his weight down on the walker. He grunted and then looked to see if Carmen heard it. Tad pushed the walker slowly around the bed. He felt intense pain.

Carmen said excitedly, "You're doing great."

Tad grimaced. He couldn't stand this. He got around to the other side of the bed and sat down with his hands on the walker. He wouldn't let go.

Tad announced, "This'll get easier by tomorrow."

"You walk around the bed on the walker tonight and a few times tomorrow and you'll start building those muscles up again," Carmen suggested.

Tad gushed, "I'm not a rookie at walking."

"Buck up and you'll be bucking in no time," Carmen encouraged him.

Tad couldn't help but smile, he walked around the bed.

Sally walked in and wanted to have a word in private with Carmen. "Tad sweetie, I'm going to go fix you something in the kitchen, alright?" Carmen wanted to tell her that Tad walked around the bed, but the look on Sally's face didn't invite much conversation. She looked like she wanted to scold someone.

They walked into the hallway out of Tad's earshot and down to the kitchen. Carmen thought about breaking the silence, then reconsidered since Carmen didn't want to set her off in the wrong direction.

Instead, when they got to the kitchen, Carmen asked carefully, "Is everything alright Sally? I know these are some hard times and Tad just hit a new milestone."

Sally whipped around and looked at Carmen and said, "I know that Cavanaugh took you out last night on a date."

Carmen blushed and felt slightly humiliated. She didn't really know how to respond. Sally was so proud of both of her sons. She knew that Sally would do anything for them. They were blessed to have her as their mother. While Tad's recovery played significantly in Sally's daily life, Carmen's wasn't really sure about how close Cavanaugh and Sally were and what boundary she just crossed. Carmen could tell that she had crossed a large she wished that she would have been warned, to avoid this confrontation.

Carmen exposed, "We had a nice dinner and talked about the rodeos we've been to."

Sally smiled. She studied Carmen for a minute. Cavanaugh had a bad track record with the girls and this date struck a nerve. Sally didn't know what to say, then realized she was thinking too hard. She knew exactly what she wanted to say, but first she needed to ask Carmen a few questions.

She'd had a few women to women talks with other women that Cavanaugh brought around. This was a little different though. Sally figured she needed to speak up and she still hadn't found the right words exactly.

"So, did he invite you?"

"Yes, actually, he did. He invited me when he saw me at the rodeo. He'd taken a minor fall. Maybe you could blame it on that!" She laughed. The questioning was setting her on edge, but it was to be expected. Carmen's own mother put her dates through the ringer, and often without her full knowledge until after the fact. She felt sometimes that it was over the top, but who wouldn't expect that from a doting parent.

Cavanaugh often found some pretty wild cowgirls at the rodeo. They didn't last that long and Sally had a pretty good handle on telling which ones really captured his heart and which ones he found suited him as eye candy. Dating Carmen really seemed the most complicated of all the recent ones, given all of the attention she was giving Cavanaugh's younger brother and that she was intimately involved already with the family's well being.

"Have you ever dated bull riders? I once thought about it a long time ago, but then I met Greg and he loved attending, but he didn't have a fire in him like our boys do. Greg always helped get sponsors for the rodeo in the area."

"I don't particularly make it a habit to date actually, Sally, to be perfectly honest. I work so hard, and I'm on the rodeo circuit so often, that I know dating a gypsy isn't the kind of life a lot of men want. Although, I've thought about it."

Carmen's insides were churning. Although, she didn't really feel that great last night about Cavanaugh asking her to come see him compete today, she suddenly wished she had taken him up on the invitation. There aren't that many reasons to run and hide from someone's mother, but she definitely felt the urge to fly out of there

"I can imagine. It must be difficult for a doctor to find a decent date, given how few men want to be checked out in that way all of the time." Sally laughed. "They like to consider themselves whole and only show their wounds when necessary, well at least of the rodeo kind. I've found that they aren't cultivated to get that much sympathy at the rodeo. You would be surprised however how much love and sympathy they get at home. I never let my boys feel like I was going to baby them, but they certainly didn't have to linger too long before I'd make sure they got whatever they needed to soothe their restless spirits. They don't sit long."

"I bet raising them must have taught you a thing or two about how to handle your own worries and nerves. Lots of parents don't feel all that comfortable and might have to apply some numbing cream to avoid feeling everything their sons put them through."

"Well, there have been some heartbreaking moments when I thought I wish I didn't feel any of the side effects of playing a supportive mom to my boys. Still, I'd never want to insulate them from their nature. They wouldn't be happy doing anything else. Now, as far as women, well, I've got more fear about that with Cavanaugh than you might think."

"Well, I'm sure he's turned a few heads."

"What I mean Carmen, doctor, is that Cavanaugh deserves a good woman in his life after the last one," Sally blurted.

Carmen decided to wait; because she had a feeling that Sally was used to letting thoughts like this linger in the air when it came to matters near and dear to her heart.

Carmen's heart rate increased. She felt like she was in front of a panel of judges who were deciding her fate and were wary of asking her to chime in at any time, for fear that she might actually influence her own luck.

Sally continued, "Now I know I can't protect Cavanaugh's heart. He just needs a good woman."

Carmen wasn't sure if Sally meant that she reminded her of the last one that wasn't so good, which explained why she had to sit Carmen down, or whether she was hopeful that Carmen knew how to be a good woman for Cavanaugh. Too many possibilities stirred in Carmen's mind and Sally didn't attempt to explain.

Carmen finally inquired, "Well, do you mean that it's just superficial? Do you mean that he hasn't been able to find his match because he always picks women who can't or don't understand him and they leave? It's so hard to put a finger on it. I suppose I should speak about myself, but we've only been on one date. I'm sure it'll take a little time for us to see if we're good for each other."

Sally didn't say another word. It appeared to Carmen that Sally wasn't even sure what she meant about a good woman. The only thing that crossed Sally's face was that she wanted something to say about Cavanaugh's romantic life, but also to bring attention to some terrible scars from someone who was definitely the opposite of a good woman in Sally's mind. Sally may have crossed a boundary by telling Carmen something so personal and painful.

Carmen picked up the pieces and said, "You know, I know it's hard to talk about. I don't expect that we can just automatically know a person's past with one discussion. I know I've made a few errors and wondered a few times what I was looking for in a man. It's a tough call. You don't have to say anything."

Sometimes, however, no matter how much time you took to work on yourself or on being the best partner, the other person's wounds were still too fresh to make it a good relationship, no matter how good the woman. Maybe Sally had forgotten what it was like to date strangers and how they have to unravel pains and sorrows to find new potential and let their own chemistry flow. Unfortunately, Carmen would need to broach the subject with Cavanaugh before she even fell more head over heels.

# Chapter Seven

After Cavanaugh finished riding the three bulls at the rodeo, he'd finished with a two-ride score of 177 with a final round score of 87.75 on a bull named Impulse Buy. He checked his phone seeing a text from Carmen asking to meet. He welcomed seeing her and couldn't wait to talk her about the Rodeo. Not a bad payout either with $1,426 coming to him. He got into his truck to meet Carmen. _I wonder if she will be wearing her cowboy hat._

He wondered for a minute if she'd recently been in a relationship. Maybe, it had something to do with why she couldn't watch him at the rodeo again. Or was it her job? He figured that she saw so many riders take a tumble; maybe she was fine just taking a day away and tending to Tad. It wasn't something he could relate to, because there wasn't a morning that he didn't want to rush over and practice and prepare. Still, she wasn't a circuit rider. As part of the support staff, they didn't get any of the attention, but had to deal with all the problems. It could actually be pretty thankless work. He loved the guts, glory and attention. Now, he was hoping he might give Carmen a bit of that attention.

He walked into the Grille and saw her sitting at the same table they sat at last night.

He walked up and smirked, "Did we just establish that we have an 'our table'?"

She answered, "That's right."

There she was. In all of her glory, Carmen gave him the type of thrill that he couldn't get from bull riding. It was that peaceful easy feeling that made his palette wet.

Bull riders rarely avoided a single moment of their lives. Here was one of those unavoidable moments that Cavanaugh wasn't going to let slip past him.

Cavanaugh suggested, "Well, we could carve in our initials."

"I'd rather we wait for a beautiful tree out in the countryside," she recommended.

Cavanaugh said, "Well, you just read my mind. I was hoping you'd take a backwoods trip with me. After I order some food, I was going to talk to you about some beautiful spots. Help you get your mind off Tad and maybe off my riding."

She exclaimed, "Well, you walked in in one piece, so it must have been successful rodeo!"

Cavanaugh notified, "I did alright." He ordered some drinks and some food.

Carmen looked concerned and Cavanaugh didn't want to miss an opportunity to get to know her, and the source of the worry on her face.

Cavanaugh double-checked, "Why the frown? Didn't like that I remembered the drink you ordered?"

Carmen said, "I appreciate that you remember what I ordered. That's very sweet of you." She seemed very hesitant to let him in. Carmen weighed her options. If she told him what his mother brought up and why she called him to have drinks with him, he might wonder why his mother was meddling when they'd only been on one date. It was also possible that Cavanaugh might change the subject and talk about the hike tomorrow and dismiss his mom as overbearing. She often didn't try to get a feel for the mom with someone she just wanted to get to know first, but this was an unusual situation.

It was possible that she wasn't going to do the right thing and she had a pretty strong feeling that Cavanaugh was well on his way to considering anything his mother said. Carmen figured that Cavanaugh's love life might have been a distraction for Sally.

Carmen might be helping Tad in ways his mother couldn't and maybe Sally felt she had to make sure that Carmen didn't also overpower Cavanaugh.

Cavanaugh pressed, "Well, what's the fuss. Something is bothering you. I haven't known you that long, but I do know that you have a wonderful smile. You look distant and my ego can't stand the thought of you sitting there without a smile on your face."

Carmen smiled and said, "I don't even know where to start."

Cavanaugh sat quietly as the food arrived. Not a single person would complain about having a date with Cavanaugh, so Carmen really did need to speak up so that Cavanaugh didn't think it was something he said or did.

She took a bite of her burger. "Cavanaugh, your mom told me yesterday that you had a bad relationship with a woman recently and, well, she's just making sure you find yourself a good woman. I was a little uncomfortable when she approached me after I helped Tad, but I slept on it and I think I understand. She knows that healing takes time. I certainly don't want to walk into this situation blindly, and maybe hurt you when you're still mending. I like you, but..."

Cavanaugh interrupted, "Oh stop right there. I figured my mom might say something. I just didn't think it would be so sudden and soon. She's been so worried about Tad and she didn't know that I, well, wanted to date again. She always likes to think that she'd be the first person I go to if I were to strike up an interest in a woman. Sometimes I have, so she wouldn't be that out of line."

Carmen smiled and said, "You think she's out of line?"

Cavanaugh said, "It's very possible. Changes the mood a bit don't you think? It's one of the many reasons I sometimes don't tell her personal things. I came home last night and dropped your name and she knew right away that we'd spent a little time alone. I didn't think she would make anything of it, since she saw you helping Tad. Now, I'm thinking she might think your trying to mend up both her sons." He paused, "Carmen, I did have a rocky relationship, but that's in the past. I can tell you a little about Sam, my ex. She gets my blood boiling. She's basically a princess. I don't know what I was thinking at the time."

Carmen said, "That's often how relationships are. Look, I don't really want to hear everything about her. I think you're mom's concern is fair, you and I will get to know if we're good for each other. Nothing we can do about the past. I just worry..."

He interrupted and said, "I'm not still seeing Sam and she is not invited back into my life. If I saw her anywhere around the rodeo, I'd pretty much avoid her. She's got nothing but bad intentions."

Carmen said, "I'm only concerned about jealous exes and pissing off moms. I think your mom will get to know me in due time and I don't want to rush things. I don't want to give her the wrong idea that I'm somehow supposed to make up for your ex's failures."

Cavanaugh determined indulgently, "Leave it to my mom to make things difficult."

Carmen carefully said, "She's just worried about her heart and yours."

Cavanaugh laughed and agonized, "You do heart surgery also?"

"Not a chance. But I'm thinking your melting my heart the way you look tonight," Carmen mentioned.

Cavanaugh smiled distressingly, "There are at least twenty stitches you might just need to remove Carmen, as you're breaking my heart and I need a doctor. Doctor, doctor!"

Carmen volunteered, "I've got a few remedies. Although I can't just apply them in the middle of a bar. You might think I just administer care anywhere. If the situation were an emergency, I might, but I think this might be something that demands a little TLC."

"I'm not sure about you, but this place is starting to feel a little cramped," Cavanaugh steered.

Cavanaugh left money on the table and they walked out. They stood out on the balcony overlooking the square. Cavanaugh put his hand in the small of Carmen's back. Carmen felt like she'd never been touched near her waist before. He pulled her firmly towards him like she imagined he pulled himself out of the chute, firmly and decisively. The gentleness of his fingers evoked in her a deep longing that transported her out of the little town in Georgia, and into the dark pools of his eyes. They looked at each other up close for a long time feeling the pulse between them. The heat of their gaze developed a yearning that they both enjoyed; Carmen hoped the feeling never passed. Her reaction was proportionate to the look he gave her.

The kiss wasn't to be felt rapidly, rather they sizzled in the parted lips, the racing, the rich withheld moans, and the hint of burning that seared them in place. Her breath grew shallower and she couldn't come to her senses. There was no time to inhale and exhaling might cool the heat and remove their mutual desire to be bound by confusion. The eruption might be too much for two pairs of lips as her cheeks and his fought with their minds' desires to reveal to each other what stirred underneath. There were rarely any reasons to stay so patient.

Most feelings like the one that ran through them would overtake, but they loved the built up pressure. It felt a lot like walking near a cliff's edge and dangling one foot over the valley below then loosing your balance for a moment, only to get so steady the next moment that all that was left was the feeling, but you knew the ground was firm.

The point of no return happened just as Carmen grabbed his strong forearm and slowly traced with her nail a line between a few of his gorgeous freckles. His skin couldn't stand it anymore. He pulled her firmly towards himself as their parted lips rubbed gently against each other with only minimal contact. Their breath pushed their lips further away from each other and only when they stopped breathing could they seal the kiss.

They kissed as if they had stood on two different train platforms all of their lives missing their connections. Here they were on the same platform standing on a balcony overlooking one of the quaintest beautiful squares in the world in Dahlonega, Georgia. It was the same feeling they had the first time they met on the day that Tad and Cavanaugh were visiting and she'd barged in. Except now, Carmen's medical profession mattered very little and all that mattered was that she felt like the best woman in the whole world wearing a cowboy hat and dusty snakeskin boots that she'd worn into Sally's house a couple of times. She should have known better, but she'd have to buy that new pair coming up sometime next week.

# Chapter Eight

White pines and sugar maples dotted the northern Georgia Mountains. Neither of them cared about tics, bugs, spiders, although both of them packed bug spray just in case the other might have forgotten. Off Route 19, there was a sweet hiker hostel that Cavanaugh figured Carmen never tried out. If she did, it wouldn't have been that great without him in tow anyway. It wasn't much to look at, but it was a one room hideaway for a bull rider and a rodeo medic that both needed some TLC.

He wondered what kind of trees fascinated her and what smells got her excited in the great outdoors. He loved the familiar scents of dogwoods, rhododendrons and mountain laurel. He even brought a trail guide that pointed out special things about the hike.

She got in his truck. The tree next to his truck produced beautiful magnolia blooms and the citrusy smell puffed out like Cavanaugh's chest as he closed the passenger door. She felt like the combination of both of them made for an incredibly intoxicating moment, although when he got back in the truck, she unintentionally stared at him. Her tunnel vision caused of course by feeling sensually overwhelmed.

She didn't often let her emotions get the best of her, but at the moment it felt great to be flooded by the feeling that maybe someday he'd nibble a raspberry from her clavicle. Or dip her back on a late evening when the sun felt unbearable and instead of falling down from heat exhaustion, they both savored the heat and laid on a field of cool grass until the grass no longer felt comforting. She certainly wasn't a lawn expert, but she knew intuitively that on a hot day you could develop heat stroke while sitting still on a couch, but you felt amazing walking barefoot in the grass, dirt or sand.

Mesmerized, she imagined cooling down with him on these nights. His voice broke the hypnotic gaze.

"I hope you don't mind, I'd love to stop at the Chattahoochee River first and have lunch. Have you ever grabbed some sweetgum leaves and rubbed it between your fingers?" He asked like he was a nature tour guide.

She answered amused, "No, I haven't."

He glistened, "It's got such a sweet smell."

She added, "We might even see a cardinal flower since it blooms in July. The red flowers look like hundreds of lips to me."

He said, "I..." Then paused, and looked at her lips. He pulled his truck over. Gave her a slow luxurious kiss and said, "There ought to be a cardinal rule about what sort of lips make the most beautiful flowers. I vote for yours."

She blushed. Then said, "Well, let's compare when we see the cardinal flower. I wouldn't mind setting you side by side."

When they arrived at the river, Cavanaugh opened up the back of his truck and pulled out the cooler. He grabbed a beer and asked if she wanted one. They lay in the back of the truck bed chatting about the sky and the way they used to come here as kids. They shared their ridiculous antics and some of the hazing both of them had endured in groups of friends.

Cavanaugh and Carmen didn't even try to conceal from each other how good they felt together laying there sharing their dreams, hopes and memories. The air was hot, thick and stifling, but they weren't picking peaches or sitting at the rodeo.

"Who was the first rodeo star," he asked her while playing with some grass.

"Before or after standardized rules," she asked back.

"That was in 1936. Cowboy's Turtle Association, which was formed because of the nasty treatment of cowboys in previous rodeos. That made bull riding popular. It's now the PRCA."

"Good one. Who was the medicine man who introduced sports medicine to the world of rodeo in the early 80s when all they would offer was two six-packs?"

He beamed, "Doctor, I'm about to not only fail that question but also pull one out that's going to stump you right back."

She said proudly, "Dr. Pat Evans. Thank you very much."

He held her feet to the fire, "Hey, but you didn't tell me who the first rodeo star was."

She maintained, "You stumped me." She grabbed a hold of her knee and crossed it over her other leg.

He thought out loud, "Well supposedly the first recorded rodeo was in Arizona, Wyoming or Colorado in 1864, depending on who you ask. It was bull fighting before that. They didn't earn money in the early days of the rodeos. It wasn't until Cody made it famous and added money as an incentive. There are a few names floating around from then, but Johnie Schneider was the first official world champion bull rider in the 1920s."

She asked, "And if you were around then, would you have ridden?"

He answered, "I dare say I would. You know he wrote cowboy poems too?"

She delighted, "I wouldn't be surprised. The Wild West has many fine poets and I've always appreciated the way they see the world around them."

He charmed, "Okay, here's one of my poems, I'll just make it up right now.

The rise of the hill and my hard working hands,

Made the long road a practice of solitude.

As I smelled the dry grass I wasn't fooled

Around every corner of the prairie,

I couldn't help but feel the day soak through but I wasn't wary

I listened to every word the sky had to say,

I heard every word that hill explained through my horse's play,

And the creak of my saddle and the thunder of hooves

Set the thought of the campfire and coffee and comfort like grooves,

Into my mind like the beauty of a beautiful lady.

And if I wasn't so ornery I might have missed the steady

Sound of the next bend, the hill is a great friend."

Carmen was enchanted. She tucked in her chin then looked up at Cavanaugh and said, "Maybe we should get out of the back of this truck and find that sweet gum?"

If she hadn't said something, it was possible they might not even make it to see anything but the back of that truck. Cavanaugh took the hint. He'd seduced her and now they needed to save that for later. He leaned over to get a quick kiss and jumped out of the back of the truck. He helped her out of the back of the truck and tossed the cooler, and latched the truck door.

They walked along the river quietly taking in the feeling of their hike and the enjoyment that they felt in each other's company. A comfort whirred between them. She wanted to jump out of her skin a few times. Her steady walk felt balmy although really she felt like she was skipping and swaying. She moistened her lips and bit down. She didn't want to throw caution to the wind, but there was no turning back and her desire for him built as Cavanaugh shared this beautiful path with her on this hot Georgia day. The pace of their hiking was inconsistent with the pace throbbing in her heart. She wanted to move fast, and then realized these were the first heaves of wanting know everything about Cavanaugh.

She studied how he walked, when he turned toward her to tell her something about the area, and how he carried himself. He wasn't a very rigid walker. He swayed a bit. He made the outdoors his home. His strength and sincerity oozed in every one of his glances and there seemed to be a wounding shyness that she wanted to sample. Her kind of shyness stayed hidden underneath, layer upon layer of staying in control. She usually was one of the guys dealing with the realities of the sport.

Cavanaugh didn't become so decent by getting caught up on hype. He knew cowboys were well liked and loved but he didn't for a second mistake awe and wonder for something real, like he was hoping for in Carmen. Carmen also knew what it was like to look at the cowboys and gawk, but to truly understand the internal terrain outside of the medic's mobile center, like the personal side, not what they put on for show, was a new journey. She knew her brother a little bit, but he'd kept everything close to his chest.

Each time they were taking a chance, just like the one she was taking by taking this hike with an established competitor who might not have healed his heart, but was certainly willing to give it a real try. She didn't feel like a rebound. He seemed to have considered every one of his moves, and was very smooth. She was a little lame at being smooth, but she let the feeling that they were discovering, guide her. Sometimes, she realized when she let her head do all the thinking she got clumsy.

She felt lightheaded, because he was so close; she felt her feet were firmly on the ground while her soul was floating above them whispering _way to go_. Every time the wind blew, she felt it was helping them along on their personal exploration. The sound of the flowing river encapsulated her thoughts and she understood how the small rapids invited so many rafters. The excitement at this time of year by nature lovers wasn't a small endeavor. People came from all over the country to enjoy the Chattahoochee.

Water sports lovers floated by and they had no idea that Carmen and Cavanaugh were on their third official date. She wondered if they gave off that new couple glow. The river rippled around ducks and logs and occasionally you'd see a duck stand on a log and ride a bit further down the river. _Maybe I'm wrong but I wonder if there's anything about walking that gets us out and looking at nature,_ she thought

She heard the sound of kids laughing and splashing and hollering for their parents. There wasn't a day that she didn't appreciate living so close to the river.

This river held lots of memories and here they were living, without a care in the world. They were dreaming about how they could live without a plan. If Sally wasn't willing to welcome another love further into her son's life, Carmen and Cavanaugh weren't on the same page with her. It was a lot about living, and if there were tons of mistakes in the process, then it meant they hadn't stopped learning.

Despite thinking she knew every curve of this river it still held many mysteries. One of the mysteries was what being there with Cavanaugh felt different from the other times she was there. Motorboats made their way along the river and stopped right before the rapids.

Sometimes those motors got her wondering about whether the river could be seen as having its own motor. Did it ride fiercely at times accelerating, enjoying the thrill of it all, then slow down when an obstacle was seen. Revved and uncertain, she grabbed sight of a motorboat spreading out fishing lines. She wondered what they might catch.

Cavanaugh said, "Hey, looks like you caught one."

The fisher yelled, "Key to this is a gold blade.

Cavanaugh asked, "What'd you catch. "

He answered, "A brown trout caught with a blue back herring. Two pounder."

Carmen and Cavanaugh waved and kept walking.

"If you want to dip your toes in, I don't mind." He said.

She took off her shoes. He pulled out a small radio, but didn't turn it on. They put their toes in the water

"Sit down next to me." She said. So he got a little closer.

Cavanaugh told her to close her eyes and then he hopped up. Cavanaugh came back and said, "Isn't it the sweetest smell?" He held a few rubbed leaves of sweetgum between his fingers.

She said, "I would have thought the sweetest smell would have been my fabric softener after a wash."

He said, "Well you would have been wrong."

Overpowered, they sat on the shore and kissed passionately, secluded by a small grove of wisteria. Her reaction to the sweetgum made Cavanaugh enjoy the hold he had on her.

"Easy now. We might end up back at the truck instead of making it to the special spot I picked for us."

She said, "Well, the image of someone wearing spandex might bring us back down to earth."

He laughed, "No thanks. I don't want this feeling to ever pass."

The rich feeling of their embrace lingered as they stepped up from the shoreline. A little ways away, Carmen spotted a cardinal flower. Cavanaugh grabbed his camera. Carmen made him sit down next to the flower so she could compare his lips to the flower to gauge which ones were more alluring. Cavanaugh went ahead with the charade. He was thrilled that his lips won despite the beauty of the bright red cardinal flower.

# Chapter Nine

Carmen and Cavanaugh decided to drive up to the hiker hostel. The day's events had them reeling a bit and they craved a little more seclusion. They pulled up and it didn't take long before the cooler and their bags were inside.

Cavanaugh looked at her like he wanted to love her. Carmen looked him squarely in the face and wanted to be greeted with a warm wet kiss. She gave him a look that made conveyed her desire. Both of them felt like it was going to be a couple of rounds tonight.

Carmen said, "We've got the whole night. No interruptions."

Cavanaugh crooned, "You're not wasting our alone time."

Carmen teased, "What if I were to say that you got me slowing down, got it real bad, got that smile of yours to speed me up and that I have never tasted your lips, before. What if I said I don't know where you walked in from, but I can't seem to manage to do anything but want to drink you up like I do when I have my hand outreached in a jar calling out for more. What if I said I have a crush on you?" _Oh my, did I just say that?_

Cavanaugh quivered, "You're not very good at this are you?"

Her nerves split open as she replied, "No".

Carmen withdrew, "I want to crush us some ice for those glasses."

Cavanaugh nodded then grabbed a piece of ice and pressed it against Carmen's hot neck bringing her right back towards him.

He whispered, "I should have been a piece of ice."

Carmen restlessly laughed and felt heat shoot between her thighs straight up to the spot that was getting all the icy attention, "I should have written a number one hit, because one of them would be about this very moment."

At this very moment are relationship was about to deepen. No one would have to write it off, like their past mistakes. Holding another piece of ice kept Carmen reminded that the one Cavanaugh held now spilled down her neck, where his lips were drinking it up.

Cavanaugh licked off a second and third ice cube. The fourth ice cube was somewhere in the small of her back and she couldn't see his eyes, but his strong hands held her waist and hips and she couldn't come to grips. She spilled forward and arched her back. Magnolias and sweetgum lingered in her thoughts and the way he moved when they were in their eyesight.

She fell apart in his arms, although she couldn't be sure if really he was putting her back together. His haunting eyes captured hers and they both knew that they weren't going to get over this for a while. As her fingers traced his arms, she spun around and removed his shirt one button at a time. He let the shirt fall off his shoulders and he pressed her hips against his groin. She almost opened her mouth and decided there was very little she could add to this moment with words. She ached for every part of him.

She held onto his neck cupping her palm in one spot. She didn't move, just looked him in his eyes and fell in. She blinked and tossed around inside of herself like she had swallowed a vortex. She kissed his cheeks and let the gypsy in her take over and fly solo all over his body. Cavanaugh went wild. He fell back on the bed with her all over him falling free. He couldn't breathe, then all he could do was breathe to catch his breath and keep up with all the feelings weaving themselves through their bodies. She told him more in the silence about how to call and respond to their body talk than he'd ever learned about a woman. She lingered on his nipples and he lingered on her shoulder as her blouse fell off.

Inside, he wondered if he should stop himself from moving any further. Would he wake up learning anything if he didn't know when to draw a red line? Right now she was a pussycat walking up right into his hand for a good rubbing. Any advice that his head was giving him right now was part of the same part of the brain that later would yell at him for not being young and crazy. This wasn't about banishing their exploration. This was them seeing each other in a small cabin in the woods, alone and unwilling to catch their breath. Nothing needed to get between their skin and that they were better off that they had left the rest of the world behind.

She lightly scratched his chest that set his eyes on fire. He arched his back and put her hips between his thighs and squeezed his knees and calves around her. Her hands started to shake then all she needed to do was forget that maybe tomorrow or the next day he'd be riding a bull again. They swayed their hips to the music that they were feeling despite forgetting the radio in the truck.

They tossed around on the bed sheets and she spread her legs over his thighs. He was so used to being on top. Now she was turning him into that nitty-gritty that could catch a silver bullet between his teeth if it happened to be necessary ever.

Round one was feeling like he wasn't just some guy with a rope. He hadn't lost his direction, but he had lost whatever he had to weather before this moment. Couldn't think of any of those moments that made his heart a mess. She knew that the ground shook every day at the rodeo and she watched those riders push their limits on their way up to their highest and next pinnacle. Here she was living and letting herself risk what it took to feel completely on fire.

At his touch of her hips, she bit at his neck and smelled the musk that must have penetrated into her every bone. There was nothing frantic about their motions. This was a cross between a soul station and a George Jones album. This was what terms between wandering souls came to scrawled on the backs and thighs and hips of two interlocked drifters whose life's callings led them to life on the circuit. No ink, no signatures, and so the whole deal could come undone and that was part of living dangerously. It was just a feeling of being held again. It wasn't going to be easy under the gun and out of each other's sight after tonight.

She wondered what walking around all those weeks dead inside keeping her heart and love in check was all about. Cavanaugh shook up every step she had taken cautiously. What if she ended up lonely again? She was learning how to climb outside of her tended fenced-in soul. It had screeched to a stop and Cavanaugh was releasing it back into the slow lane. They might have a second wind or a third. Round one was feeling like she wasn't just some chick who could stitch scars. She wasn't losing her composure. She was leaving poise for something a lot less picture perfect, something messy. They weren't fighting feelings like so many do walking in their ordered life showing how in control they really are.

This was the backwoods and there wasn't any dust, rust, ropes and seconds to count. All they heard was the sound of trees swaying occasionally, and tonight they would hear the night creatures taking over the air and letting anything nearby know there were tons of them and they would be hard to find.

Still on top of him, Carmen besieged him with momentary blazing clenches, true grit, and driving fits that unfastened burdensome inhibitions. Heat rushed through their imprisoned minds. Wetness and the smell of sex and sweat dominated the Georgia night. Carmen was shackled a few times by her understanding that she was about to sleep with a bull rider, the very type of man that set her life spinning and caused her to try to live past life's tragedies. It was as if by falling in love, as she was finding herself to be falling, with the very type of man who would remind her of her terrible losses, she could turn life's misfortunes into a way to conquer them and lead to her escape from powerlessness. He was a doorway into a second and third chance.

He tugged Carmen's nipples and she leaned back, barely sensible, and mostly convulsed. He could see she was ready for him to send her quivering. He looked in her eyes and enveloped her between her legs. The muscles in her legs rippled as he traced her folds over her underwear. She grinded feverishly against his palm as his fingers moved like little tongues circling her clitoris all together. She couldn't concentrate ever since they started this hot July night, but now she couldn't even beg for mercy. She buckled and spread her legs to his slow thick fingers sketching circles around her folds. He parted her folds and as he stroked her clitoris, he pressed inside of her with a few of his fingers and slowly guzzled her squeezing around his fingers. She shook down to her toes as he brought to the edge gradually.

Then he laid her on the sheets and took one lick up her inner thigh over her sex, before her hand released the bulge of his jeans. He found her g-spot and she called out his name. He hadn't heard his name in that tone and it brought out a wild in him that had him surge. With his finger on her g-spot, there was nothing for her to grasp onto. He had her oozing and imprisoned. He looked at her lustfully and he tilted her hips back before he guided his wild oat gradually inside of her. Her folds tugged his cock in fiercely one inch at a time until he was fully inside of her.

They ravenously swallowed and plunged as they lapped the tips of their shuddering inner thrusts against moist thighs and greedy hands. He wriggled out of her and slowly watched as he moved his fingers over her slick clit and then pinched lightly, leisurely and frequently. She was enticed and inflamed as he meandered the pinch and right before she convulsed uncontrollably he grabbed one of her thighs with his hand and he slipped his cock inside of her and applied slight gyrations. Carmen spiraled and swallowed him. Heat stabbed through her back and thighs and supple clitoris as they climaxed and surged in their trance.

# Chapter Ten

Carmen and Cavanaugh continued to date, relieving Carmen of the idea that Sally might have been warning her that Cavanaugh might not be ready for a woman in his life. Cavanaugh's brown hair fell into his eyes as she watched him walk towards her at the rodeo. Her thoughts went to Sally saying that Cavanaugh was still not sure what was heads and tails when it came to women. It seemed like Sally just planted that seed for Carmen, but Cavanaugh might not be interested in what Sally and Greg had built for themselves.

All Carmen knew about Sally was that she was the perfect mother at the hospital and at their house whenever Carmen came around. However, there was always more than one side to a person. Moms also have a tendency to want to overdo their version of the story. Sally was not as much of a risk-taker as her sons. She could be thinking that is what got them into all of these terrible situations, and she'd be right, sort of, Carmen thought.

***

They had incredible times together. It started with a good afternoon kiss on a balcony above a square she'd walked many times as a single woman and with friends. There had been a lot of late nights walking around wondering if anyone had ever had a successful relationship with someone drawn to the rodeo. She wondered if other women kept a bull rider in their life given that they were rarely around to help with any home improvements or on those nights when things got unbearable and they wanted to put their hand across the bed and make sure everything was okay. A little bit of home town feel is what many people were looking for, because reaching for the stars might feel hollow after a while.

Cavanaugh lived for the spotlight and riding that bull each time to stare danger in the eyes and test his fortitude. He was a self-made man, despite past heartbreaks. That's what made up for uncertainties. Carmen didn't have a great track record with men either. Somehow she managed to find guys who liked to treat her well for a little while, and then start chewing on her like a chew toy. She started feeling like they didn't really see her for who she was. She kept pictures sometimes of the good times she'd had on a date, and it dawned on her that her and Cavanaugh hadn't taken any photos yet on their dates.

After a few dates, she thought it would be a good idea to ask Cavanaugh to meet her family. They didn't live that far from her place. She'd been raised in Dahlonega all of her life. She'd come and gone a few times, but always ended up there. Cavanaugh agreed. He didn't see any harm in meeting them, he told her. She'd met his, although for different reasons, but still it was a matter of respect. Her parents, Claudia and Alfredo Delfino lived about 10 miles away from her near Highway 60. They looked forward to meeting Cavanaugh.

"Hon, you know me, I love meeting anyone you start dating. I know you have such a hectic schedule so when you find someone who can handle that, I'm all ears," said Claudia. "I'll make sure your dad is here."

Carmen was a little nervous about the meeting. She had requested that her mom tell her father not to ask a million questions and make it feel more like a lovely evening and less like a firing squad. Her father wasn't very good at relaxing around men, especially ones that were younger and had caught Carmen's eye. Claudia promised she would put in the request with her father. She said she'd ask Alfredo to save the questions for another time, although she was still unsure.

They pulled up to the cream colored house a few yards away from the barn covered in purple wisteria. Cavanaugh gave off a nervous laugh and looked at Carmen then looked down at his jeans. He hoped that he'd picked the right shirt to wear. Carmen looked at him right then and figured, and reassured him, "There's likely very little you own that doesn't look good on you."

He thanked her. Carmen told him that if her dad started to irritate him, that he could give her a quick sign to help bail him out. He asked, "Like what?"

Carmen said, "Just move your plate a little toward the center of the table. Not much, just enough to make it clear to me."

He said, "Okay I'll try and remember."

They knocked and Claudia answered the door. She looked so nice, dressed in a button down yellow blouse and a pair of white summer pants. "Carmen! What a pleasure!" She hugged her daughter.

Carmen turned toward Cavanaugh who stood just behind her. He tipped his hat and said, "Ma'am, it's a pleasure to meet you."

Carmen looked charmed, but very surprised. She quickly hid her surprise and put her hand out stiffly in front of her toward Cavanaugh. Cavanaugh felt the change. He acted as if he did not see her mild surprise. He figured it was something to do with him being a cowboy. He seriously hoped that it wasn't because he looked exactly like an ex of Carmen's. It was possible that he might never find out. It certainly wasn't going to be easy to get an explanation anytime soon. It wasn't the warmest of receptions.

He shook her hand. "Ma'am, I'm delighted to get this chance to meet you. I know Carmen has gotten her beauty from you."

Carmen said, "My mom won a few rodeo queen contests. I bet you she'd love to tell you a story or two. Come in and meet my dad." Alfredo stood a few feet away from the staircase. He looked a little unsettled and some might say masking a very strong desire to look Cavanaugh up and down.

Alfredo caught himself and said, "Oh, hello, I was just finishing up something I was working on in the garage, thought I'd forgotten to turn off the light back there. " That was how Alfredo always explained any look on his face that might appear like he was judging someone. Claudia closed the front door. Alfredo continued, "It's a real pleasure to meet you." He extended his hand after he wiped his hands in case there was still some grease on there.

Carmen didn't miss a beat. "Dad this is Cavanaugh. Cavanaugh this is my dad Alfredo. As you may have noticed he loves his cars." Cavanaugh felt a little uncomfortable, but he reminded himself that Carmen had to deal with his parents every day when she came over to take care of Tad.

Daily, Carmen remembered what it was like living under her parent's roof. That look her father gave every one of her friends, as if she had a knack of picking up all the vermin in town. There wasn't a single one of her friends that had passed his test. After a while, she figured out her dad's shenanigan. It was just a way for him to feel like he had the upper hand in a situation. She stopped rehashing the past, to focus on how these four people were going to enjoy each other's companies.

She suggested, "Cavanaugh I'd love to show you the backyard. Dad, Cavanaugh and I spend a lot of time outdoors and I told him you and mom grow some beautiful flowers in back."

Alfredo laughed, "Sure, but that's more your mom's hobby lately. I've set aside my clippers for the oily rags in the garage."

They walked to the backyard to take a look at the flowers. Carmen said, "I know you're uncomfortable. I hope you can forgive them. They're not the easiest sometimes when it comes to meeting new people. It's funny they're easy to get along with once you get to know them. But I think they must have hung out with a tough crowd throughout their lives. I went through that in college. No one seemed like they knew how to relate to one another other without running everyone through the mill."

Cavanaugh asked, "If I can handle the rodeo, right?"

Carmen alleged, "Well, it's a little more of a roller coaster in this arena." She laughed.

They smelled some of the flowers just in case her parents were looking out the sliding glass doors. They walked back inside and asked if they could help in any way.

Claudia said, "I wouldn't dream of it. Sit down in the living room and make yourself at home. You know Carmen grew up here. There are some photos up there on the wall that might make you giggle."

Carmen laughed and said, "And a few of my mom as rodeo queen."

Claudia testified, "I sure was! Showed off on that horse a few times."

They looked at the photos liked they had at Sally's and Greg's house. The feeling was a little different here because both her and Claudia were walking on their legs without any problem. The thought crossed her mind, and she pushed it out of her mind. Cavanaugh loved the beautiful picture of Claudia riding her horse. He smiled and realized their family had been involved in the rodeo life for a while also.

He saw a picture of Carmen playing with a little boy. Then, he saw a picture of Carmen watching the same little boy roping a calf. Then, there was a picture of that same boy holding up a rodeo buckle he'd won. Carmen noticed out of the corner of her eye that Cavanaugh saw those photos. She didn't have the guts yet to talk about that with him. She wasn't ready. He would respect that without much of a fuss. He didn't broach the subject. She pointed to a picture of herself with a rope lassoed over her head.

Carmen said, "I remember that day. I was in a groove. Shorty was one of my favorite horses. I can't believe how long it took me to get over that day. Years went by and I remembered that moment. Not sure if it was the photo that always reminded me or actually if it was just how good I felt that day. I've always considered it was how good I felt that day. It made me feel like a million dollars. I felt like I had just given myself the best chance of my life and I'd given it all I had."

He said, "I bet you did. You look like you never shy away from what it takes to win."

She confirmed, "That's true." She saw her mother scrambling in the kitchen and excused herself. "Grab a drink and I'll be right back. I should help my mom get some of the food on the table."

He said, "I'm alright."

She walked into the kitchen and started to help her mother. She stirred a pot. Claudia looked over and said, "Oh thanks dear. That's awful nice of you." She grabbed at her apron a little, tugging at the strings, a bit too long Carmen thought. Maybe there was something about the nerves running through Claudia's hands. Often, that's where she stored her nervousness. It would come out in all of the activities that she suddenly immersed herself into unless you caught her at a bad moment and she might start wringing her hands.

Claudia said, "You've been wandering around this town for years. You're so beautiful, so talented and such a remarkable doctor. I bet you some of those rodeo men didn't know what hit them when you walked up to be their angel, sweetheart."

Carmen was caught by surprise, "Wow, mom you just almost made me cry. That's one of the nicest things you've ever said." Then, Carmen realized it was a lead up to the something that was weighing on her mind. She was a little worried that she had just scratched the surface that would call for some whiskey.

Claudia said, "You know there's so many regrets that hit us, like we might have worked it all out before we started walking around town and thinking we're ready to get into a relationship with someone. And sometimes we do, and other times, we realize in the middle of it, we walked right into a mess of our own because we still have baggage. Suddenly it hits us! Hand me the spatula Carmen." Carmen handed her the spatula.

She continued, "It hits us that standing in front of us is the very thing that we were trying to escape and instead of feeling like we healed, we realized we're still healing and now, we've got an innocent person wondering why the phone's not ringing."

Carmen felt a little confused. She gave Claudia a little time to explain herself, but looked back to where Cavanaugh was when she'd walked into the kitchen to see if he was still looking at the photos. It looked like he'd made it to the couch and had switched the tv on. She wondered where her father was. She realized he was staying away from Cavanaugh afraid he'd ask too many questions.

Claudia continued, "Doesn't he remind you of Fernando?"

"Cavanaugh? Just that he's in the rodeo, but that's it," Carmen laughed. Carmen figured that the reason her dad hadn't given him the warmest of receptions had to do with how he always acted with anyone she'd brought home. Then, it dawned on her, the moment of surprise and her father's hesitation added up. They knew he was from the rodeo. No question. It became real clear to her.

She argued, "You think that I have a hang up on Fernando and Cavanaugh is some sort of spitting image? I'm not trying to work things out about Fernando with Cavanaugh. I would have done that by now considering I became a doctor mom! Why do you want to get into this right now?"

"Sometimes you can't really put your finger on it Carmen. He's a lot like Fernando. In more ways than one. Take this out to the table," Claudia insisted. She handed Carmen a dish of ribs and potato salad.

Carmen took the plates to the patio table. She came back to the kitchen. She said, "Can't you just see him for who he is?"

"You're going to lose him in the same way and it's going to be very hard for me to see this happen without having said that this romance might be worth thinking about before you get in too deep. You've always been good about thinking, but when it comes to your emotions, well, I feel like you might be ignoring what you might be setting yourself up for," Claudia claimed.

Carmen blurted, "Why would I set myself up for another loss, mom? Can we just have a nice evening? I thought it was dad who was going to be difficult tonight. It turns out that you're the one who is giving _me_ a hard time. Mom, I can't believe you!"

"I'm just bringing it up because it's what it looks like."

"I want to get past this. Let's have a nice time with Cavanaugh tonight. He and I are enjoying each other. I want you to be happy for us. I need you to respect this man. He's a loving man. He doesn't know anything about Fernando and I don't want you to bring anything up about him. That's for me to decide when it's a good time to bring him up."

"Sure. I'm sorry Carmen. I didn't mean to suggest that I would say anything."

They walked onto the patio and put the rest of the food on the table and called Alfredo and Cavanaugh outside. The men joined them. Everyone loaded up their plates from the buffet.

A few minutes went by and they settled in. Alfredo looked up at Cavanaugh and said, "I bet I've seen you at the rodeo. I don't make it around there that often."

Cavanaugh proposed, "Any time you're there, come and say hello. I run the circuit, but I always participate in the local events. I see your lovely wife made a splash as a rodeo queen. Are you also affiliated with the rodeo?"

"Me? No, no I'm just a supporter, of course, head over there occasionally. I just have a love for cars. We've owned a few horses. Carmen used to ride them when she lived here, but then over the years, we just wanted to simplify a bit. I wanted Claudia to be happy and I would be lost if I didn't see a smile on her face every day. So much work goes into taking care of all of those animals," Alfredo contended.

"Not to say that we might not own them again, but right now we're happy the way things are. It's funny at times to walk out there to the barn and forget that I didn't need to bring hay," Claudia giggled.

Alfredo recalled, "I do miss them sometimes. Tell me Cavanaugh, do you own animals?"

Cavanaugh replied, "I don't. I'm not around enough given the rodeo. I'm around them all of the time though, so I get a chance to make friends with some of the horses."

"My plants get a lot of my attention," Carmen intervened. Everyone laughed.

Everyone enjoyed the meal and the company. Claudia asked Cavanaugh if he'd seen the recent new restaurant down the street, because some of their friends had opened it and were excited about attracting some younger folks there. He hadn't, but he thought it might not be a bad idea to check it out with Carmen.

They chatted during the rest of the dinner, but Carmen felt unsettled because of her mother's conversation with her in the kitchen. She didn't give any clues to Cavanaugh. She just made him shine and laughed at every one of her dad's bad jokes.

# Chapter Eleven

A few days went by since the patio lunch. Cavanaugh called every day a couple of times and continued to get Carmen's voicemail. He figured she must have been busy at the rodeo. Even when she came to visit Tad, she made the visits very brief. He couldn't catch site of her at his parent's house. He never even saw her at the rodeo. He didn't know if her schedule had changed. However he started to feel like it might be personal. He was so used to people switching sides and piling on lies about what they were up to or what they were going through.

He knew they had been getting along so well. It's possible that she got scared and didn't realize what to do next. Carmen stopped answering calls from Cavanaugh and although Cavanaugh was trying to figure out whether it was personal or if she just got caught up in life, it would have broken his heart if he knew why she was staying away from him.

By staying away, maybe Cavanaugh would be better off, and maybe she wasn't so sure about how her Brother Fernando's death affected her. Maybe it was influencing the type of man she attracted. She could walk around town and find someone who had nothing to do with the rodeo. Why would she put herself through all of this instead of stepping away from the rodeo and helping contestants and just leave it at that. She knew in her heart of hearts why she was in the rodeo business. She didn't want to have to explain that to Cavanaugh.

They hadn't gotten too far in the relationship. She figured he probably felt pretty uncomfortable over at her parent's house. The same kind of uncomfortable that Sally made her feel when she told Carmen that Cavanaugh needed a good woman. Maybe that also meant that his mom wanted someone who didn't live the rodeo lifestyle. There might be some truth to one person needing to be the one who keeps everything all right at home and the other one can live the life of the rodeo. If they both lived the life of the rodeo, then how were they going to live a balanced life?

Looking up at the sky, as she walked up to her house, she thought, sometimes, mistakes happen and both of them knew they could walk away at any time. He'd get caught back up in the rodeo and get a look in the eyes of another beautiful woman, maybe not at the rodeo this time. Maybe he'd find himself a sweet beauty that loved her home town, and didn't have a constant itch to get on the road. That would make her a good woman. She was sure of it, for the moment at least. She'd fallen really hard for him, though.

***

A week went by without a word from Carmen. Cavanaugh returned to see Tad as often as possible hoping he might run into Carmen. She knew she would never be able to convince him to give up the rodeo. It was his life, even though it would keep bruising him. He'd pick the rodeo over anything. She'd always be wishing he'd come back home and he'd be worrying about his bruised pride. He'd get lost on every one of those bulls, waiting for the next thrill ride.

Late one night, Carmen received a call from an unknown number. It was close to 2 am. She'd spent the night crying about her strong feelings for Cavanaugh. She had been impressed at Tad's recovery process. He had been practicing walking with the walker a few times a day. His spirits were high. That's what mattered a lot more than her own crush on Tad's brother. The feeling might pass, even if it felt like the biggest mistake of her life to stop talking to him, but that was her rationalizing her choice.

Maybe, seeing Cavanaugh at that moment just at the time was all about the emotions that were wrapped up in helping Tad. It could be residual. Cavanaugh did look at her that day in the hospital as someone who saved his brother's life. Sometimes, she had a one-track mind. All they were doing was playing with each other's minds. They appreciated each other, but it looked like their families were going to be another story. It might be time to put away this little love story. Love wasn't the only thing she needed.

***

"Hello," she answered.

She heard Cavanaugh's voice on the other end. She almost hung up. He'd called from an unknown number just to hear her voice. Actually, he was sobbing. Carmen sat bolt upright. She didn't have time to think suddenly. His pain resonated with her and she would have leapt out the window and ran to help him out. Suddenly, she wanted to curse herself out. He needed her; she could barely hear him over the lump in her throat. She threw on her jeans and shirt, dragged herself into her boots, grabbed her keys and ran out the door. She started the car and realized she'd forgotten her purse. She ran back inside and got her purse.

Tad had fallen out of bed earlier that night and was rushed to the hospital. They had induced a coma in hopes that his newly fractured spine would heal itself.

She drove quickly to the hospital. His entire family sat in the waiting room. Sally jumped up without a thought to hug Carmen. Carmen's eyes looked like she cared more than a doctor, despite the curve ball Sally had thrown her. At the root of it, she knew two people cared for each other in a time of need. Sally sobbed in Carmen's arms. Carmen fought back her own tears. She attempted to comfort Sally. As she opened her eyes, fighting back her tears, Carmen saw Cavanaugh stand up and walk towards them. It almost broke the only hold she had on herself from falling apart.

He stared at her with a hurt in his eyes. She felt ashamed of her childish games. She wanted to say I'll never leave you but the words got stuck in her lips, the ones that he had kissed so gently in the cabin. Maybe he wasn't the red door, maybe he was the one who needed her to help him walk away from his own pain. Maybe it was all about helping each other; and not judging how someone might bring them more pain.

She walked into the hospital room to sit with Tad and Cavanaugh followed her in. The sight of Tad broke her heart. She could hardly stand wondering why the nurse hadn't made sure that he couldn't fall out of his bed. Didn't they put barriers? How could this happen?

Cavanaugh broke the silence. "What did I do wrong?"

She cried, "Cavanaugh, oh no, it's not like that. You've done everything right."

Cavanaugh pressed, "Then why haven't you answered any of my calls?"

She apologized, "Sorry, sometimes life feels like a maze. I'm just afraid of what is happening to your brother and if that happened to you, well, I don't know if I have it in me to be the one who you come home to."

Cavanaugh sighed, "I was a little afraid of that."

She insisted, "I wasn't thinking clearly. I know you understand. There's more to it."

Cavanaugh pried, "Does it have anything to do with those pictures of you and the little boy roping calves?"

She quietly muttered, "Yes." She got quiet. She had tried to avoid this conversation with him. However, it became unavoidable. Sometimes pain was the only hand me down you got.

Cavanaugh set the tone, "I'm listening."

She opened up, "My brother Fernando." She paused, to hold back tears. Tears that had resided in the depths of her soul like an endless hose that no one could turn off. She would have walked through fire to save him. How could she say that to Cavanaugh? He already knew it. "He died from the same injuries your brother suffered because they didn't have a doctor present."

Cavanaugh wanted to reach out to hold her. But she continued, "He inspired me to get into sports medicine."

Cavanaugh tucked his chin to a clenched fist held a little bit higher than his lap to hold back a flood of emotions. Feeling emotionally stretched wasn't the best feeling when you needed to be the rock in a situation. He looked up at his brother lying there in a coma and realized that the woman sitting beside him was the best woman he'd ever met and she'd almost given him the slip. He wasn't even in the clear yet, but he was going to play it cool to stop her from resisting him.

He reached over to her shoulder and grabbed her to his chest. There were so many reasons why the simple things in life should never be ignored. He'd never forget that she didn't pull away at that very moment. He couldn't say anything to touch that spot on her soul, because that same spot on his soul was laying in a coma in front of him.

She finally spoke, "I can't ask you to give up something that you love; but I can't handle you falling off a bull like my brother did." She looked over at Tad. A tear fell down her cheek.

Cavanaugh said, "I love you. In that good man sort of way." He sent her reeling. She imagined a promise ring that she used to wear or a sports jacket when a guy wanted everyone to know you were his girl. She needed the real thing.

"Doesn't this make for a different kind of summer? No beach, but I'd rather be here with you." She paused, holding back tears. "I know that I didn't make the rules and there ain't nobody there to bend them for us." There are days when it hurts to swallow what this life brings.

Cavanaugh said, "I'd give up bull riding if it meant you'd stay in my life." Cavanaugh had one of his aha moments thinking about his ex Sam and the reason why she said she'd taken off.

She looked up at him. Although there was a part of her wondering about how important it was to always know that you can build a life after making mistakes. She wanted to believe him and so she did, even though in the back of her mind, she knew she was taking another chance. They needed to be there for each other right now, and that's what mattered.

"Just say yes, yes you'll still keep being my girl," he said. She didn't feel like he was telling her how to feel. She nodded and looked up at him.

"There is something about us and there's something about that first kiss." She remembered what it felt like in his truck and walking near the creek. He held her hand and she felt like this wasn't quite done and they'd have to weather whatever came their way.

***

Tad made it out of the coma and when his parents brought him home, Carmen and the nurse were back to square one in helping him walk again...if he could walk again. This last fall set him back. Six months into his care, Carmen went back and forth between the rodeo and tending to Tad. Carmen knew if she needed to prowl again, she had it in her, but her relationship with Cavanaugh was fulfilling a need they both felt at the moment. She felt he was part of her future, but dating a rodeo man, you never really quite knew what was around the bend. They were going to know everything about each other slowly. It was perfect. Hikes, times in their restaurant; and he helped her pick out a nice pair of snake skin boots that wouldn't track dust. He always asked her to put another layer on when he thought the wind blew a little too hard.

It was just a matter of time that Murphy's Law would set in. Carmen left her house to head over to Sally and Greg's home. She pulled up like she had several times a week over the past eight or nine months. She saw a car that she didn't recognize in the driveway. It gave her a chill up her spine. It felt wrong. She parked. Cautiously she grabbed her stuff and closed the door, staring at the car. Her intuition was telling her to turn back.

Sally sat in the front yard with her head in her hands. She looked over and saw Carmen. She hesitated with a look of dread crossing her face. She was trying to come up with the words to see what she could say to Carmen. She knew that Carmen was smart enough to know something was wrong. Sally just needed to figure out how best to tell her. It wasn't really a blow anyway. It was just a minor complication. Cavanaugh might shrug it off, but if Carmen's ex came around, Cavanaugh might have the same look on his face that Carmen was about to have. The BS in the air was getting quite thick.

"What's happening?" she asked Sally.

"Well, um, you'd be surprised, but, well, we have a visitor." Sally said. She didn't act as warmly as she had last time that Carmen saw her. Maybe if someone else had asked, Carmen might have gotten a straight answer. Carmen hesitated. Sally was protecting somebody, but she wasn't sure if it was from her or from herself. Sally looked as torn up as Carmen felt. She thought about getting back in her car unless Sally changed her tune. Then, she realized that Sally's eyes were pleading for Carmen's understanding.

Carmen once again had to rise above the occasion. She started to think about what visitor might cause this feeling. Just when she was about to say it was probably Cavanaugh's ex, Sam, she saw Sally whirl her neck around as Cavanaugh ran to his truck and Sam chased after him. It was his ex. Sally desperately wanted to run back inside, but she looked over at Carmen instead to see if it was all registering. Cavanaugh drove off and seconds before he reached the end of the driveway, he turned his head and saw Carmen watching him take off with Sam screeching behind him kicking up dust like only an ex who didn't care anymore would do.

Like a black cat crossing Cavanaugh's path, Sam was going to turn back the clock, make up for her own ignorance. To Carmen, Sam felt like a criminal asking good folks if they were legit.

If Sam knew how to act around people, she wouldn't be playing mercy every day of her life. Cavanaugh wasn't playing mercy. Neither was Sally. Carmen was just fresh on the scene and relieved that as she locked eyes with Cavanaugh, he put his hands to his ear, like a good lover would to tell her to expect his call at the right time. She knew he wouldn't leave her hanging but she also had to figure out how he was going to lose Sam. He sent Carmen away with the words of their love song. She had to rely on her patience and briefly act like a good woman.

To be continued...

### Thank you for reading!

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## Embracing Love Again

by

Stephanie Hunter

# Chapter One

Missing her husband, Olivia Lane tried to tend to their small apartment without allowing herself to grow lonely. Due to losing his job, He'd been forced to take a contractor's job oversees. They had been through hard times for the last several years and him being gone, only added to her disappointments. Holding two part time jobs and studying business through an online course, she filled her days as best she could. It was the nights that gripped her heart the most. Touching the empty space, reserved for him, caused her to cry herself to sleep. Hope of his return is what kept her striving to rise in the mornings and to meet the needs of two demanding bosses. Every day seemed to be a struggle, trying to make ends meet financially and emotionally. She had become secluded in her everyday reality of missing her husband.

Staying in touch with her mother in her hometown of Sparta, Tennessee was one way she could not only reminisce in memories, but also to release her fear and loneliness. Her father, Paul Tifferton had passed away from colon cancer when she was just sixteen. All she had left was her mother. Leaving her mother behind to carry on the family farm had been a hard choice... but her love for her Curtis drove her all the way to Dayton, Ohio. They married, fixed up an old apartment and began their lives. As hard times fell on them, Curtis lost his construction job, due to downsizing during uncooperative weather. He had been warned only two weeks before the lay-off. They were left in a panic, with bare cupboards. After trying to land a quick-fix job, Curtis Lane crumbled. His only option was accepting a contractor job oversees, with all the promises they offered. He was going to Iraq.

Olivia begged him to reconsider. Just the thought of him being so far away was enough, but in her mind, Iraq was the end. She was filled with fear when he announced that he was going. They only had a couple weeks for him to prepare and the day he left, he promised that he'd return. Their plans to have a family were put on hold and he boarded the plane, clutching to her promise to wait for him. She was asked to remain optimistic and she gazed up into his eyes, believing his last words.... he would return.

Months passed and the first few were heart-wrenching for her. Letters came every week in the beginning, but they slowly began to fade. Walking to the mailbox each afternoon brought disappointment, with only bills to carry home. Her life was dwindling, her fight to survive kicked in and she took on another job. Between her secretarial position for a local doctor, and her late night bartending job in a local bar, she barely made things work. But one thing it did do was keep her busy. From her nine-to-five job, she drove straight to the bar. There she got by on healthy tips, working from five in the evening until closing time.

Quirks came and went as she rustled two jobs, and it wasn't long until she was faced with the reality that she came across as a single woman to every guy that drank at the bar. Wanting sympathy or a one night stand, they sat on a stool, hoping to get lucky. Wondering if her husband would ever get leave and come home, she decided that she had to act. That's when things got tougher when she began online business classes. She had no intentions to keep working as a bartender, listening to every man's issues. Months passed, and one year turned into two. Her heart was missing her husband and her body was in need of being touched.

***

Trying to get a degree wasn't working. It wasn't paying, it was only taking, and so she dropped the courses and succumbed to giving up.

It was the same every day, a mundane life with no meaning. She plunged through, keeping a healthy attitude and filling any spare time with taking long walks or working out in a local gym. At twenty-five years old, she felt sixty.

But her life would change. She had happened to get time off from her day job. Relaxing in the pool at the complex, she laid back, soaking up the warmth of the sun's rays. Thinking about Curtis, she fell into a dream. With children laughing in the background, she had listened to their mothers scolding them long enough. She needed more, and she stretched out on her lounger and dreamt of better days. She was being chased by Curtis in a local park. He picked her up in his arms, and kissed her long and hard. They teased for a time and then returned to their play. Throwing Frisbees across a long stretch of the green grass had become an all-time favorite. He was better at throwing and better at catching, leaving her scrambling to keep up. Her dream took her to intimate times with Curtis, venturing back home and racing to the bedroom. Their clothes would hit the floor as soon as they entered the apartment, laughing as they went. Curtis had always been wonderful in bed, and his aim to please was always as arousing to her as the actual act itself. With him being gone, her dream fluttered inside her mind as she lay there amidst the screaming children. Being finally interrupted, she collected her things and went back into her apartment.

***

After showering, she settled into a recliner and picked up a cheap fiction romance. It always seemed to fit her life, some damsel in distress in need of her knight. She smiled sweetly as she recalled Curtis' face and she read on. She had gotten to the fourth chapter when there was a knock at the door. It seemed abrupt, a little too loud and important. Throwing the novel to the side, she paced herself to the door. Mid-way the horrible thought came. _Was something wrong with Curtis? Oh dear god, don't let it be,_ she whispered aloud. Her fears weren't unfounded when she swung the door open, to see an Army Officer. She was in denial... plain denial. Ushering him to remain quiet, she held her finger over her tightened lips, as if she could ask him to take it back. He stood stiff, tall and firm and he delivered what he had come to say. Curtis Lane was missing, not only missing, but presumed dead.

The earth caved in on her. In seconds, her heart tore; she aged and was hit with screaming pain. She echoed the sounds of her body's struggle with her voice. Collapsing to the linoleum floor, her knees buckled under her. Sprawled on the floor, her knees bent under her like a pretzel, she hugged the cold floor for the lie. She wanted the lie to cover the truth. It took a few moments and the Officer helped her to her feet and led her to the sofa. Staying with her, he listened as she wept, her heart breaking right before his eyes. Standing tall, he had delivered his message, but his core was dying with the young woman he looked down at. She looked lifeless, a child in shear agony as one would cry if their puppy had been struck down in a street. Her face was pale, aging right in front of him. It was his first experience, delivering such horror to such a beautiful young woman. As he dialed her mother's phone number, he handed her the phone. Then he waited for her to end the conversation. He offered to stay until a friend arrived to console her.

Olivia only had a few friends. There was one that she had met at the office. The young girl worked part time, covering Olivia when she was off. The other was a young girl she worked with at the bar. She knew that it would cost either one of them a good day's pay, and she set the phone back down. Looking up into his eyes, she confessed that she'd be fine alone.

Unsure, he asked her if she needed anything else. What she needed was the lie. Of course, he could not give it to her so he walked out the door, leaving her in a tangled emotional mess. She ended up crashing out from exhaustion hours later and didn't wake until morning.

Her recovery from the devastation wasn't coming easily. Days passed with her mother on the other end of the telephone line, pleading with her to come home. Weeks followed with nothing left in her life except misery and the chilling memories of her husband's existence. It overcame her finally, seeing his face everywhere she agreed. Her mother was right; she had to get out this house. So, she packed up all she could get in her husband's old pickup and she locked the door behind her. Looking back as she kicked a few rocks from the sidewalk, her eyes caught a glance of a young child that she had come to know. Her daddy had been killed in a car wreck and had been suffering ever since. Olivia looked at her for the first time with true understanding of her loss. She walked back to the little girl, placed a kiss on her forehead. Inadvertently, she also kissed this life good bye.

***

Olivia Lane had learned to read maps because of her husband. Getting agitated with her, he forced her years before to read the map when he would take them on drives. Driving down the road, she recalled a map that he had tucked deep into the glove box and her eyes welled with tears. Pulling into a local gas station, she filled the tank, bought a cold bottle of pop and headed back to the truck. The sight of seeing two sets of lovers piling out of their van tore through her, nearly making her angry. Sighing to herself, she crawled inside and slammed the old creaky door. Not even sure if the truck would make it to Sparta, she took in a deep breath, said a prayer and shoved off. Forgetting things, she was used to, and she pulled the truck to the side of the old dirt road. She stretched her arm across the front seat and flipped open the glove box. Buried deep under piles of old candy wrappers, bottle caps and insurance cards that had long expired, she felt the edge of the road map. Jerking it, something flew out with it. Staring down at the passenger seat, she looked into the kind and gentle eyes of Curtis Lane. It was him holding a bass in his hands, stretching it to the max, while she had taken the last shot in their Polaroid. Again, she broke down and cried. Giving herself a few minutes, she then stuck the picture on the dashboard, feeling like she'd be watched over as she made her journey back to the only home she had left.

She turned up the radio, and then remembered that the CD player actually worked. Curtis had torn the old one from the truck in a fit of anger, tired of its way of eating cd's. He had saved the money up just before the lay-off and treated himself to a brand new one. Smiling to herself, she cranked the dial. She tested the first few lines of each song, frantically looking for something upbeat. A tear rolled down her cheek as one, two, three songs played glorious old love songs. On the fourth try, she pulled her hand away. Curtis was country at heart and his dresser drawer had been filled with good old kick-ass country tunes. Wishing she had brought them, she'd have to settle. But Curtis hadn't let her down; American Saturday Night by Brad Paisley began to play. She began to sing along with the familiar words of some of their favorite country tunes.

She never planned on stopping, and wanted to drive straight through. However, her mother pressured her to give in and stay in a room. With not much money in her purse, she promised she would, knowing full well that she was driving as far as she could. Eventually, the truck came to a stop, and she no longer had the choice.

Being forced to call her mother, she was wired enough money for a busted radiator, a good meal and a night's stay in a cheap motel. From the looks of the place, she was sure that she'd be safer inside the truck, but she gave in, craving to stretch out her legs. Handing them a fifty dollar bill, they had over-charged her in her own mind and she huffed all the way to her room. After ordering food from a local delivery, she began to grow hungry. She sighed, and left the room long enough to walk across the street to a convenience store. Piled to the ceiling were racks brown teddy bears. Their faces looked as sad as she felt, she had to get one. Adding him to her list, she collected all kinds of unhealthy foods, a super-sized cola and a recent release of Glamour. Satisfied, she handed the grouchy old clerk a wad of cash and waited for her pennies in change. She crossed the street and returned to the parking lot to find a gang of bikers that had taken refuge at what was probably their favorite hang-out. She walked past them, seeing no women on the back of their bikes, feeling them stare her down all the way to her room. Once inside, she slammed the door, drew the two locks and the dead bolt and let out a long held breath.

She could hear the roar of the bikes as they sped around in the parking lot and up and down the side-roads, hoping they'd move on. She was disappointed about an hour later when they rolled back into the lot. Peeking from the edges of her curtain, she looked out and saw what looked to be about twenty pissed off guys. It made her nervous as she checked and re-checked her locks, but she pounced on top of the bed and curled up with the Glamour Magazine and her new friend, Maxwell. A brown teddy that could relate to her pain was what she needed; because it was Curtis' favorite name. She read until she couldn't see the words anymore and then she and Maxwell drifted off to sleep.

She had wanted to get on the road a few hours earlier; however, the morning wake-up call never came. Now she'd be running behind. She called her mother and assured her that she was on the road. The least she could do was tell her that she was about a hundred miles down the road, and she'd make up for the lost time somehow.

# Chapter Two

Plowing through the traffic, she noticed several cars honking and waving her on as they passed her in record times. They weren't aware that her old Ford would shimmy and shake if she went over fifty. At times, she just smiled as they passed by. Other times, she wasn't so polite and raised a certain finger in the air. But Dayton was coming closer and closer and she knew that in no time at all, she'd be wrapped up in her mama's arms. There was no one that could console her like her mother.

Hours later, she could see Sparta just ahead. She almost felt a jolt of excitement as the truck inched towards the county line. Not recognizing a few things, she couldn't believe how things had changed and how other things was exactly the same. Just on the outskirts of town, she could see kids gathered in a lot of an old gas station. It had been the prime meeting place when she was in high school. It looked like it still was, except the station had shut down. It was sad for her to see old Mr. Humphrey's inability to keep it going.

The kids looked younger than her class had, and for a moment she wondered if they were Junior High age instead. But, sitting behind the wheels were long haired kids, boys and girls alike. She waved as she passed them by, but no one responded. They stared at her as if she was unwanted, a stranger who had taken a wrong exit. A few of the girls gave her piercing glares as she drove by them, and she hit her horn in rebellion.

A few miles out of town, she would be passing by a few of her old friends. As far as she knew, she knew nothing about them and if they were still around or not. Slowing down to a crawl, she peeked across the freshly plowed grounds, hoping to catch a glance of a familiar face. Feeling a bit uneasy, she drove on about five more miles. That's when she saw her mother standing on the front porch. Seeing her mother brought back the reason why she was there. An overwhelming pain caused her to speed up. _I need you mommy._ Hitting the soft dusty trail that led straight to the front porch, she could feel the eagerness overwhelm her. She had missed her mother so bad and she was about to land in her waiting arms. About the time she skidded to a halt, she looked up to see a worried frown across her mother's soft face, and she slowed it down. Before she could get out, her mother was right by her side, first scolding her and then embracing her. Olivia held onto her mother for a long time; all the sorrow she tried so hard to hide gave way to groans and a flood of tears. They left her bags loaded in the truck and she grabbed Maxwell by the arm and followed her mother into the old farmhouse.

"I've needed this for a long time." Giving her mother another hug, she ran straight to her old bedroom. To her surprise, it was just as she had left it.

"Oh my goodness, you didn't get rid of anything," Olivia exclaimed.

"Why would I get rid of a thing? I knew you'd be home someday, even for a visit."

Her mom's eyes grew wide as she studied her daughter's joyous reaction. Giggling like a school girl, she was able to lay her sorrows aside. She watched as daughter touched each stuffed animal. She had won many from the county fairs, while others were gifts from old boyfriends. Olivia started to danced with the larger stuffed toys. Her mom laughed softly, she was so happy that Olivia could escape the pain of losing her husband. Her "happy" bear dance was as enjoyable to her as it was to Olivia.

"What do you say? Do you feel like some burgers cooked on the pit? It's a glorious day and we could sit in the backyard and catch up?" Her mother, Diane Tifferton, knew how her daughter's heart must yearn for her husband, and getting her mind off things was her goal. She too, had lost Oliva's father when her daughter was young. If anyone could relate to the pain, she could. She also knew it would take much more than burgers on the pit to keep her daughter's mind fresh and to help her heal her heart. She had thought long and hard before Olivia arrived and she had sat down with an ongoing list. On that list were names scribbled on a pad, from her daughters past. She could only hope that Livy would take to the idea.

***

Growing up on the farm in Sparta, Tennessee, with no father left fewer options to a young girl, because she was busy with chores and helping out on the farm. Chores had to come first... then play. All of Livy's friends knew the rules. For that reason some of those friends hated farming.

Others took to it like water, feeling no burdens when they'd spend the night saving the crops from an early frost. While knowing they had to be up at dawn, helping in the barns or checking on the crops. Farming is a very demanding field. That is why Diane Tifferton and her husband chose it. They wanted their daughter to be aware of her surroundings and to take on the responsibility of earning her keep.

Livy carried many things she learned to the city, and tried to put those skills to good use. Many times, the extra worked proved to be uneventful in a society that lived the fast track. Coming home was like a vacation to Livy, and it was supposed to be the start of a new life, after her husband's passing.

However, Livy hasn't been able to accept the death of her husband. They had told her that he was missing, only presuming that he was dead. That one word, _presuming_ had given her hope that he might be found and come home. In her mind, she was still Mrs. Curtis Lane. Her mom mentioned a few names that were scribbled on the notepad; Olivia was shocked. A few of those names were males, boys that had grown into men. Most of those boys she either dated or know as a young girl. " _Oh my gosh_ _Mom,_ Olivia thought, _what is she up to?"_

She went into the kitchen to investigate; her mother withdrew a small pad of paper from the drawer at the bar.

"What's that Mom?"

"I made a list of old friends that I thought you might like to get back in touch with. The ones on the list still live around here."

"Is that what you were reading a second ago."

Her mother nodded.

Livy looked down almost immediately she started to shake her head....no, no, no!

"Mom, please don't do that.... don't go there. I don't want to date anyone. I love Curtis; he is the only man for me."

"I understand that sweetheart, but you will have to start over some day. Why not just get in touch with a few friends?" Her mother was trying to push her enough to keep her busy, but Livy wasn't budging.

"That's okay. I know you mean well. But if there is a chance that Curtis might be alive, I want to welcome him home boyfriend free."

Twitching in her seat was always a habit that Livy could never stop. Anytime she was nervous or upset, she would twitch, lean the chair on its legs, or kick the chair leg. Usually, her mom would scold her, but not this time. Chairs just weren't that important anymore.

"I see. Alright I will abide by your wishes. But I think you'll change your mind. How about we grill some burgers?" Jumping from the kitchen chair, her mother got a roll of beef from the refrigerator drawer. "It won't take but a jiffy to these guys put together

"Want me to do it? You could start up the pit. You always were better at that part."

"I guess I was, considering you always seemed to start a fire, outside the circle." She aimed for that comment to get her mind off the list.

"Yea right. How could I ever forget that?"

Leaving Livy in the house, Diane hurried to the backyard, preparing the pit to build the fire. They grilled on an open fire ever since her late husband taught them. With wood being stored in a nearby bin, it didn't cost them anything to throw a few logs into the center. While her mom was outside, Livy grabbed her new stuffed bear, Maxwell and took him to her room. Placing him on her pillow, she smiled as she looked back. He was home, right where he belonged.

Livy Lane had grown into a bright and beautiful young woman. At five years old, her daddy told her that she'd break men's hearts. By sixteen, he ran off every young man that tried to woo her. As she strolled back into the kitchen, a fond memory came back to her about her father. She made him sign a contract when she was twelve, claiming that he would at least give each boy she'd bring home in the future, and a chance. If the boy messed up, then he could run him off. That promise wasn't kept. He ran them off as soon as they stepped out of their pickups.

All boys, growing into men, drove pickups. It was unheard of for a young man to own a car. Cars were for girls, trucks were for the guys. It was a rule. She laughed, recalling when the first young man chose to buy a car in Wolf Creek. He was ran across county line the day he showed up on old town square to show it off. The next day he talked his father into buying the car from him, and he went and bought an old Dodge Ram. She chuckled under her breath, remembering Billy Wayne. Until she remembered the letter her mother wrote, about his car accident. At age nineteen, he traded the Dodge for another car. Within the week, he had wrecked it, racing outside of town. She hated memories like that. Several times throughout the years, her mother had to sit down and write one of those letters. Four kids from her school had either been in wrecks or they had died from drug use.

Hurrying to meet her mother at the back door, she handed her a platter of burgers. Perfectly shaped, Diane was impressed. "I don't ever remember seeing such perfect work from you?"

"That just shows that you can learn some things from city life. I guess us city folk get pretty bored." She giggled and let the door slam behind her, forgetting how easy it shut. From the kitchen, she hollered, "Sorry Mom."

They spent the afternoon in the backyard, talking about the new births that occurred on the farm.

"Winnie, had another calve, she was all black with a white patch in the middle of her head," Diane said in a motherly tone.

"Awe I've missed Winnie so much."

"I'm sure she would love to see you. She is out to pasture right now, but you should go round them up later, and say hi."

"I think I will," signed Olivia.

"Hey mom do you know an Amber Dawson."

"Amber?" Her mom responded, "I'm not sure."

"You know Amber. Amber Dawson, she's the one that got me grounded for staying out too late, and swimming naked down at the creek beds."

"Oh.... that Amber. She's still around. She's on that list."

"I saw her that."

"She is living with her mom right now. I guess she had a hard time with the last young man she dated. I heard that he beat her, but you know how the town gossips. I wouldn't have believed it, but I saw the marks all over her arms myself."

"Some guy beat her up? Is he still around?"

"Yea, it's that Cordez boy. What was his first name?'

"Jack. I never did like him. Did she go to the cops?"

"No one could get her to turn him in. Her mother tried until she was blue in the face. If she was mine, I would have made her go to the Police Station."

"Sure you would have. God, I remember when that one kid... what was his name? Something like Cage or Gage?"

"That was Gage Dire. I would have whooped his tail end if I could have gotten past his worthless mama."

"Oh well. I struggled through it."

"It took you two months, before you had the nerve to venture outside the house."

Livy went on a date with a kid from her school. She made her mother promise not to tell her father when she came home bruised. After begging her to keep it quiet, her mother crept out the back door, and hunted Gage Dire down herself. Livy was afraid to tell her father, thinking he'd never let her go out with another boy. However, her father died two weeks later.

Paul Tifferton died of a long battle with colon cancer, leaving Diane to raise Livy through the remaining two years of high school. At sixteen, losing her father was one of the worst things she had gone through. He taught her to drive when she was much younger, so by the time she received her license, it wasn't a big deal at all. But if it wasn't for her father, she might not have been such the experienced driver.

Her driver's education teacher trusted her driving so much, that he bent the laws quietly and allowed Livy to teach half the students. He'd take one in his car, and she'd take the next in her dad's beat up old Ford truck.

They laughed and shared old memories for the rest of the evening. When the cuckoo clock chimed eleven times, her mother suggested that they both get some sleep. Kissing her mother, she skipped to her bedroom, and jumped into bed, tucking Maxwell under the blankets with her. She could hear the crickets and the frogs resting on rocks along the creek, just down the small hill behind the house. It had been ages since she had heard frogs, and it scared her at first. After a few minutes of listening closely to all the bumps in the night, she relaxed and settled in. Just before she closed her eyes, she saw her husband's face. Staring up at him, she remained still under the cozy covers, being sure not to blink so she wouldn't miss the sight. Minutes passed and then he faded into the blackened night.

# Chapter Three

Days passed as Livy settled in on the farm. As weird as it may sound, she was enjoying the chores, mucking the stalls, feeding and watering the animals, checking the crops for diseases, and gathering eggs helped her clear her mind. She loved it because the chores where strenuous enough to keep her mind off of Curtis.

However, after a little while she noticed that she was not as tired as she used to be. _Maybe I'm in better shape than I thought...no something is weird._ Except for Winnie there was only a calve, a bull, a goat, some pigs, chickens, and a goat. She was surprised to see that most of the livestock were missing. Her mother told her she would come out later to help with chores, but she forgot to warn her daughter. Within minutes, Livy walked through the back door.

"Mom, what happened to all the animals? There's hardly any left?" "And where is Bobby." Olivia had to choke back the tears at the last statement.

"Bobby was Olivia's favorite Heifer; she had the most beautiful hazelnut color. She had a connect with that cow because, she was the first animal that her dad had got, just for her.

"Awe sweets, I'm sorry about Bobby." "But I had to get rid of them. After you left, I just couldn't keep up with everything and work a full time job.

"But what about the farmers market, you and dad made a lot of money doing that when I was in high school?"

"Your dad was the one with the green thumb, not me. Winter really kicked my butt. I was going to tell you this later, but I guess it's time.... after this season I will not be growing anymore produce."

Olivia was completely shocked by her mother's declaration. She thought before she spoke. She had forgotten the work involved in slopping pigs, gathering eggs, feeding the livestock, and taking care of three horses, five cows, and four dogs. While maintaining the crops, that where ever changing. She had left in such a hurry with Curtis, being eighteen and in love, she had failed to think about how hard it would be on her mom. She wasn't even sure if she ever apologized for it. Walking over to her mother, she grabbed her and gave her a long hug.

"Mom, I'm so sorry I left so quickly. God, I was so selfish."

"Selfish? Nonsense. You were a young lady in love. Those animals got me by for a long time. Kept my mind off of missing Paul and missing you. I just got to the point where I couldn't keep up, that's all."

Livy returned to the barnyard, noticing that there wasn't even one dog left. _I'll have to fix that,_ she whispered under her breath. _Everyone needs a dog._ When she stepped out, she was glad to see that there was still a small garden in the back corner of the yard. _At least we can have fresh vegetables in the spring and fall._ She couldn't believe all that was left of daddy was in the barnyard. Where an empty water trough and a fence were located. Her work was done and she sat down beside her mother on the back porch steps.

"Well, the chores are pretty easy now."

Her mother smiled, missing the animals herself. The only noises she heard anymore were the moo's, hens cackling as they nestled into their beds at night. It would be nice to have some noise in the aging house.

Each morning Livy collected eggs, helped her mother fix a healthy breakfast and spent the day cleaning a house that didn't have any dust. Nights were spent in the backyard, listening to critters and late nights spent in dreams of Curtis. The same thing every day. Her mother pushed a few more times about getting together with friends, but she still denied herself any kind of life. It would be a long time before she would give in and begin stepping out.

***

Two Years Later...

Livy finally talked her mother into rescuing an old stray dog. Livy loved the idea that she could save the life of a living being. She found a horse on craigslist for a good deal, he looked so lonely, she had to get her. Livy found out that the owner lived about a mile down the road. So she left to go look at the horse in the craigslist picture.

Livy was shocked because the horse looked nothing like the picture. _Wow what a surprise the craigslist picture looks nothing like the actually animal_ Livy thought sarcastically. However, in this case that was not a bad thing. Because the mare was a striking beauty, her mane was black as night with stripes that looked like snow. And her coat was a marble of black and white. Livy was awestruck, for such a young horse she was very strong. The muscles in her legs bulged when she trotted. The ground trembled as she ran towards the fence to face Livy. The mares hoof beats matched that of Livy's pounding heartbeat. For a brief moment they were one person. M _y God, you are an amazing animal._

Looking out across the field, she saw an old farmhouse, a man appeared and she waited for him to reach her. At first the aging woman refused to sell Marcy.

"Someone has been playing a nasty prank on me, they put my address on that online thing. People have been coming by here for weeks trying to buy my precious Marcy," said the aging women.

"What!" replied Livy, so the black and white horse is not for sale?"

"Is that not what I just said?"

I will pay whatever you wa... she was cut short by the aging woman's chuckle.

"Do you think you could offer me anything more valuable than those that came before you?"

"I'm sure there is something you want."

The old women thought for a long time.... she smiled "can you give me more time."

Livy shook her head, "of course not."

"Then you have nothing that I need nor want, good day to you."

"Wait, Livy cried what about the horse?"

"What of her?"

"Can you not see that she is lonely?" She needs companionship; someone needs to take her for a ride. Marcy needs to be around others... Livy stopped short. _Oh my god mom was right... I need friends._

The old lady gave in. She included Marcy's favorite saddle and bridle. The old lady charged Livy a mere two hundred dollars. She was so thrilled that she left and headed home. _Oh no, I forgot to tell the old lady that I was coming back tomorrow. I'll just walk back when I get home, it's only a mile._

***

She hurried and walked the mile back to the old lady's house, refusing a ride with her mother. "It'll give me time to think, Mom."

"Alright, but you could just think on the way home, riding the horse."

"I'll be alright." She was out the door and down the road. All the way there, she thought about her old friends and she realized that she had to see some of them. She had to get in touch with Amber Dawson at least. By the time she made it to Ms. Fletcher's, she had made up her mind. She was picking up that list and moving on. She walked up to the woman's door, and she could see her sitting alone by the front window. Livy's heart broke because she knew how much the horse meant to Mrs. Fletcher. Livy made a vow to visit Mrs. Fletcher. She knocked on the door.

"Where did you go, replied the old lady?"

"Oh I was so excited I forgot to tell you that I was going to come back tomorrow." "Well your here now, go grab the bridle and saddle out the barn. I suppose you remember how to put them on?"

"Yea, I think I can figure it out." She really wasn't sure, but would rather try it alone.

"She's easy to catch. She'll walk right up to you. She loves women, especially pretty ones like you." Ms. Fletcher grinned and closed the door.

On the first try, Livy bridled her, and saddled her. Marcy stood still as if she herself couldn't wait to be ridden. She had life again, and sadly, Livy could relate. She rode Marcy home, taking a long way through a field. Together they became acquainted and by the time she rode into the barnyard, she knew Marcy was the one. There was a pasture on the left side of the house, but she wasn't sure about the fence structure. She guessed it needed some repair, so she put her in the barn, promising to return with handfuls of feed. When she ran into the house, her mother had the phone in her hand.

"Ms. Fletcher said she has some bags of feed for Marcy. There's plenty and will get you through a few months."

"Well, that's really nice of her. I wonder who has been feeding Marcy all this time? I'm sure she wasn't able."

"Probably some young boy that wanted to make a few cents a day."

"I guess so. I'll be back. Can I take dad's old truck?"

"Sure."

"Thanks." She was out the door. Livy was on cloud nine. She now had some chickens, a goat a family of cows, an old loyal dog, and a beautiful horse. Home was starting to feel like home and she couldn't wait to get back. There was a sign on the fence that read "Olivia the feed is in the barn help yourself... ps there is a wheel barrel on the side by the flowers.

By the time Livy got home it was nearly evening. _Ugh I have to call Amber Dawson before it gets too late_. _I have to fed Marcy and the other animals first._

"Mom!" She yelled through the door. Her mood had shifted, she was finally happy.

"In here!" Calling from the laundry room, her mother was bent over, throwing a few items in an old clunky washer.

"Hey, congratulations!"

"On what?" Looking up from the small pile, her mother stared into her eyes.

"For winning, as usual."

"Did I win the lottery?"

"You won with the list. I think I'm going to give Amber a call. Do they still have the same number?"

"They sure do."

"Imagine that? The same number all these years."

"Darling, some things never change. Our number is the same."

Giggling, Livy had to agree.

She ran to the phone and plopped down in a recliner in the front room. Picking up the receiver, she grew nervous. Would she want to hear from me, she wondered. It's been so long, she dialed the number.

"Amber, is that you?"

"This is Amber, who is this?"

"This is Livy!"

"Livy Lane? Omg, are you back? How long have you been back?"

Livy didn't know what to say. She just realized that she had been home for almost two years, hiding in the shadows. But she chose to be honest.

"Don't kill me, but I've been here for two years."

The phone went silent. She knew that Amber had been hurt, and she quickly apologized.

"Amber it had nothing to do with not wanting to see you. I've been through a lot and I couldn't get the energy to get out."

"You've been here for two years? How could you not call me?"

"Hey, I want to see you. What are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing. I planned to just sit around and get fat off ice cream. I broke up with my boyfriend. Caught him cheating on me, and you'd never guess who with."

"Who?"

"Gloria freaking Jackson!"

"Omg! You are kidding? I figured she had hit the road with her thumb in the air, wearing slutty clothes."

Laughing, "She did, but she came back within the year. She ended up living off the homeless in the streets in Chicago. Stupid! She came back long enough to screw my guy."

"God, I'm so sorry. Were you two serious? And who is he?"

"You don't know him. Not from here. He moved here from Minnesota. Hot, but a womanizer. I can't stand him, but I love him."

"Curtis died, Amber."

"What? Why didn't we hear it?"

"I don't know. I suppose because they aren't positive if he is dead. They said he is missing."

"How?"

"Well it's a long story. The condensed version is he lost his job and we were going through a rough patch. So he accepted a contractor job oversees, in Iraq."

"Iraq?"

"Yeah."

"That has to be horrible, not knowing and all. I can see why you've been staying to yourself."

"So do you want to get together," Livy asked shyly?

"Why don't we start with the ice cream, just like old times?"

"Yea, we'll sit on your bed and eat with two spoons."

"Great! See you when?"

"I don't know. Whenever you're ready," said Amber.

"How about starting now?"

"Be there in a jiffy," Giggled amber as she hung the phone up.

# Chapter Four

Meeting Amber for an ice cream fiesta was just what Livy needed. It was as if they had never been apart. Laughing about the good old days, they talked about everything that came to mind. During the conversation, Livy asked Amber about her abusive relationship with Jack Cordez.

Amber signed, "I had hoped you would not hear about that." After a long pause Amber started to talk. "He beat me so bad that I almost died. I recovered in the hospital for a month. I did not want to be pitied by the community so we all kept it a secret."

"Did you know that he was like that? Did anyone warn you?"

"Are you kidding? He was a charmer, smiled like a sneaky cat. I was with him for over a year."

"Did he beat you the whole time?"

"He didn't start until the last three months, but I thought he'd stop each time. The last time he beat me, I thought he was going to kill me. He would have, but a neighbor drove by and heard me screaming."

Girl, I'm so sorry I wasn't here."

"Ahh.. Amber there was nothing you could have done to protect me from him."

"You're going to spend the night, right? You have to I've had such an awesome time.

"Tell you what I'll stay and I'll even help with chores."

"Well lucky for you there really aren't many chores. Mom got rid of most of the animals. But, I picked up a stray dog at the shelter and you won't believe what I got for two-hundred dollars?"

"What, a herd of pigs?"

"They aren't called a herd. No, I bought a beautiful Mare named, Marcy. A little old lady had her in a field, just doing nothing. She threw in a bridle and a saddle."

"That's great. I still have a horse and now we can ride off into the sunsets."

They spent the rest of the night in the room eating about a gallon of cookie dough ice cream, and talking about any and everything. It was the next night when they would hit the town. After helping with minimal chores, Amber talked Livy into riding around like they were in high school.

# Chapter Five

Venturing out, Livy ran into town to pick up some groceries for her mom. While she was out, she stopped at a local gas station to fill up the truck. As she stood pumping gas, she thought she saw someone who looked very familiar. Taking her time at the pump, she waited until he got back to his truck. He glanced over her way just before he opened the door. Watching his reaction, she knew that she had spotted someone from her past. With two cars between them, she couldn't see that well, but when he closed his door and began walking toward her; she froze. It was Brad Sands, her high school sweetheart. She recalled his name on the list her mother had made, but she figured her mother was wrong. She never dreamed that he stayed in Dayton. In school, he had such big plans. He was born a mechanic, playing with tools alongside his father who owned a successful mechanic shop when they grew up. He always dreamed of moving away and working on race cars or motorcycles. But there he was, and he was getting closer with each step.

Her immediate reaction was to worry about her appearance. Grabbing a pair of short sweats, she had thrown on a white tank and a pair of old tennis shoes that she had been wearing, while she worked in the garden. Her long, blonde hair was piled on top of her head in a fluffy, loose twist. Wiping her face, she also realized that she didn't have a stitch of make-up on either. Now he was standing face to face with her, on the other side of the pump.

"Livy, is that you? It is you!"

"Hi Brad. I thought you'd be long gone from here, working on those race cars by now."

"Nope. Never made it to that dream. I ended up taking over dad's shop, so here I still am."

"Well, that can't be half bad. Your dad was always the best mechanic around."

The gas was pumping at a fast pace as she pressed the nozzle tighter. Forgetting to keep an eye on the amount, she failed to notice that she had run the bill up to over thirty dollars. Her mother had only given her thirty, and she was supposed to get milk and cheese for homemade pizza. Brad glanced up when he noticed how fast she was pumping away. By the time he said something, she was sitting over fifty dollars.

"Geez Livy, I don't know anyone that can afford to put that much gas in this town." He looked at the tank and then back at the price.

"What?" She turned to look and screamed. Then she accidently engaged the pump lock as she let go of the pump. By the time Brad helped her get ahold of the line; they had covered her truck with gas and racked up a bill of $69.95. She was speechless. She looked down, seeing her tennis shoes covered with gas, and his boots were drenched as well. But when she looked up with eyes as wide as saucers, all they both could do was laugh. He put the hose back, and led her by the hand over to a water hose and began hosing her and him down.

"That's an interesting way to meet up after all these years, don't you think?" He looked down at his boots and then at her shoes.

"I can't believe I was that stupid! I feel like an idiot."

Trying to make a comeback and to relive her, he bragged, "That's what I do to girls."

He was right. He always had a way with girls and he hadn't changed a bit. The next thing she worried about was paying for the gas. She could feel someone staring at her, and when she turned around to look, it was a clerk looking back. With his hands on his hips, he asked her, "I suppose you have the money to pay for all that wasted gas?"

She did not. She stared at Brad and he knew the look. He had seen that look many times before, and a grin spread across his face.

"Hey, it's your lucky day. I just got paid."

"Omg, I can't let you do that." Turning to the impatient clerk, she said, "I have to call my mom and you'll have to wait until she gets here."

"No he won't. Let's just pay the man. That way you'll owe me."

That sounded good, she thought, at least for now.

Brad handed the clerk a hundred, telling him that he'd come in for the change.

"Before you do, I suggest that you hose down the lot with the water hose. You might want to hose down her truck too." He walked away, mumbling about _stupid kids._

"He's right. Come on." He grabbed the water hose and ran over and sprayed down the lot, and hit her truck too. She watched him as he handled the hose, and noticed how much he had changed. He was much thinner in high school. Now he had filled out, everywhere. Not an ounce of fat on him! She tried to peel her eyes off him, but she kept looking back. His hair had darkened, but those eyes were still the same. She used to sing Crystal Blue Persuasion when they dated in high school because he could persuade her to do anything with his crystal blue eyes. They were still mesmerizing, after all this time.

It wasn't just Livy that noticed changes. He couldn't take his eyes off her either. He'd spray for a few seconds and then he'd steal a glance. A couple of times, their eyes met before she quickly turned her head. With each look, he found himself getting a little more excited about running into her. It had been years and he could still see her in his arms when they were dating. He had fallen hard for her, and never really got over her. Something else was wearing on him. He knew about Curtis and the reports of his death, and he knew he couldn't part with her, without mentioning how sorry he was. After spraying everything down, they went back into the station and he collected his change. Then they went back out and talked some more. In the conversation, he found a way to bring it up.

"Livy, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll be here for you anytime you need to talk to someone. He was a great guy."

Her pulse slowed way down and she was faced with talking about Curtis again. She had managed to avoid it for some time.

"Yea, it's been horrible. I was devastated. Still am really. I moved back here because I just couldn't stay there in that house or the town."

"How long have you been back here in Sparta?"

She knew that wouldn't go over well either. "Two years."

"What? Where have you been, in hiding?"

"Yea. Yea I have. I didn't feel like getting out. I just came home to Mom and stayed inside."

"Wow. Two years. I can't believe I haven't seen you around."

"I didn't go anywhere. Mom was starting to really worry about me."

"I bet."

Looking at her watch, she mentioned to him that she needed to get going.

"How can I pay you back? I don't know how soon I can. I haven't found a job yet, but I will be out looking next week."

"Don't worry about it. Let's just say that you owe me."

"I don't know if I like that idea at all."

"I do. Seriously, don't worry about it. I might need your help sometime."

"Thank you so much. I don't know what I would have done without you to cover me."

He was walking away, and turned and said, "I don't think it would have happened if it wasn't for me."

He was right again.

By the time she got home, she had to call Amber. Telling her mom about what happened wasn't her idea of confessions. She knew her mom wouldn't be satisfied until she paid Brad back herself. When she ran inside, she found her mom napping on the couch, and calling Amber was the perfect idea.

"Amber, you'll never believe what happened?"

"What?"

"I ran into Brad at the station."

"Brad Sands? Yea, he's still around. Runs his dad's shop. He's just as good as his dad was."

"He had to pay for my gas."

"Why?"

"Long story and I'll tell you later. But I couldn't believe how it felt to see him."

"Oh yea, you dated him didn't you?"

"That was before you moved here. We dated before Curtis and I did. He went to school right alongside of Brad and they were good friends until that happened?"

"What happened?"

"It was like a cock-fight. I broke up with Brad and started dating Curtis. All they did was fight after that. That's about when you moved here."

"Wow, and you moved away with Curtis, and I bet Brian has never gotten over you. I heard that there was someone he was still in love with. I didn't know it was you."

"It was me." She lowered her head, not sure if she really wanted to talk about it, and she twirled the phone cord around her fingers.

"Well?" Amber waited. "Well, is that it?"

"Nothing. That's it. I just ran into him at the gas station. Had a problem with the gas and now I owe him seventy bucks."

"Seventy? My gosh, for gas? Where are you headed, back to the city?"

"No, I just got rattled and pushed the pump lock and dropped the pump. Next thing I knew, I owed the clerk seventy dollars."

"Omg, it's because you fell for him again."

"No it's not. I was just shocked to see him still around here."

"I bet he was shocked when he found out that you've been here for two years hiding?"

"Yea, kind of."

"Nothing like an old flame, Livy."

"I'm not ready for anything like that."

"You're as ready as your heart says you are."

# Chapter Six

Owing seventy dollars to an old flame wasn't Livy's idea of rebuilding friendships. Confused about her mixed feelings after running into him, she brushed it all off as no big deal. But the seventy dollars was. It was time to get a job. She wasn't sure about finding a job in town. There weren't many options around. But when the phone rang from a local Junior High School, her mom yelled out for her to come to the phone. Diane Tifferton had been a substitute teacher for years in Sparta. She had taken her last plunge with that age of kids and swore she'd never go back. But in emergencies, she usually helped cover for someone. This time someone else would cover.

"What is it? Is something wrong?" Livy ran into the house, thinking that something had happened.

"Remember that job you wanted to get? Here it is. Talk to this woman so I won't have to cover the job." The phone slid across the tabletop.

Without any chance to get out of it, Livy picked up the phone.

"Hello? Yes I am. What? I don't know. I'm no teacher. Yea. Okay, I'll give it a try. I'll see you then in the morning."

She hung up the phone. Livy wasn't so sure about it. But Diane was. "You'll make a great substitute."

"Really? Don't substitutes need a degree?"

"Aw, not here. Your more like a babysitter half the time. You can do it if I can. There, that's settled. There's your first job being back. It's a piece of cake."

So Livy was not unemployed any longer. She knew she couldn't expect much income from that, even though she'd be taking over for a teacher that would be out for a while with a back injury. But it was a job. The quicker she paid Brad back, the better she'd feel about the whole thing.

Monday morning, she was up early. Taking a shower, fixing her hair and running across the barnyard to visit with Marcy. She'd have to save her ridings for the late afternoons, now that she had a job. Promising Marcy to saddle her up after school, she left her with fresh water, food and a couple apples. Following close to her heels, the old stray dog had gotten a sudden burst of energy, watching his owner's joy. Bending down to pet him before she closed the door, she realized she had only been calling him Pup.

"You need a real name. What dog owner doesn't give the dog a name? I'm so sorry. You sure are a rascal, so that's your name. Do you like Rascal?"

From that moment on, he answered to nothing but Rascal.

Her nerves were shot by the time she got to the school. She suddenly remembered what Junior High kids acted like. Now she knew why her mother abandoned the part time job. Screams hit her ears as soon as she opened the door.

Already she was running down the hall and tending to a fight between two girls. Thinking that was crazy, she couldn't recall any of her friends fist fighting in school. In the middle of trying to separate the two girls, she managed to grab hold of one of the girl's hair, pulling it a little too hard. She was sorry for doing it, but when the girl reacted the way she did, Livy realized it worked out well. The two girls immediately stopped and stared at her, with fear in their eyes. It was quite funny when Livy walked into the classroom later to find out that both girls were in her first class period. She never had a bit of trouble out of either one. No one reported it and she found no reason to become more involved.

Mornings were spent with a home economics class and physical education class. That covered the teacher that was out with the injury. The rest of the morning she covered study halls and grading papers in a back room. Afternoons were study halls, grading more papers and she then got stuck with tutoring. It could have been worse. She could have been stuck in some science class or math. Those two were her least favorite. Her mind was kept busy and her life could barely keep up. Suddenly she had a life. After leaving school, she spent her time doing what little chores they had to do, and then riding Marcy all over the country side. Housework went out the door, because her mom put her foot down.

"You're doing too much work. Just enjoy yourself for the rest of the days. And go out some with your friends. I'm tired of seeing your face around here."

Of course that wasn't true. Diane loved nothing more than when Livy was home with her. But she wanted her daughter to heal up and to be happy. She could still hear the cries in the middle of the nights and she knew she was still grieving over Curtis.

A weekend came up and Livy's mother was preparing to gather vegetables for the Farmers Market.

"What are you doing, Mom?"

"I am selling some of our food at the market. I do it every year. Last year I made a killing."

"Is it the same one they used to have on the square?"

"Yep, same one."

"Can I help?"

Looking up from the pile of green beans she had sprawled on the back porch, Diane paused. "Are you sure you want to? Don't you have anything better to do on a Saturday?"

"Nope."

Hesitantly, her mother agreed and threw a handful of beans her way. "Okay, but if you go, you have to take the money. I'm more into filling the gunny sacks and buckets."

"Sounds like I get the better deal."

"I tell you what, if you want to finish gathering the beans, I'll get the tent and make sure I can find the missing poles."

"Alright. So we'll be under a tent?"

"Yea, it doesn't sound like much, but in this scorching heat, you'll be glad we are."

Diane disappeared around the corner of the house and Livy gathered as many beans as she could. By the time her mom came back, she had another bucket full.

"Well, I'm impressed. Hope you like the job. Looks like you got it for keeps. That's a lot of beans, Livy!"

"I have the veggies, so what about the fruits?"

"They are already packed up and ready to go. I did that last night while you were in bed. I'm ready if you are."

They packed everything into the back of the truck and headed for town. It was a blistering hot day, the middle of August. With a slight breeze blowing in, they rushed and hoped they'd have the tent sent up before it disappeared. Cars and pickups were parked all over the square. Diane cursed each one as she tried to squeeze her truck through. " Idiots! They are here for the market and they won't even let us in to unload."

Children, latching onto their mother's hands, scurried along the sides of the road, while elders clung to their parked cars, trying to work their way toward the sales. Carrying their canes in one hand and plastic bags in the other, they struggled along to hit the low-end prices. It was like a midnight sale at a local discount store that claimed to be going out of business.

"I don't remember it ever being this busy. This is nuts." Livy searched the pickups, wondering if anyone in particular would show for the sales. Her eyes scoured the area that was surrounded by man-made fences. The square was always blocked off; causing terrible traffic jams every year. "You'd think they'd figure out a new way to do this." The actual sale was fun for Diane, but the getting there was another thing.

Finally they were able to park close enough that they could carry the fruits and vegetables and still feel their legs. After looking around for her spot, Diane hollered for Livy to bring the tent.

"I found our spot. It says number forty two. That's us. Bring the tent honey and we'll get it set up. Don't forget the poles."

Livy hunted the poles down that had rolled all the way to the back of the truck and she hopped down with her hands full. While they hurried to set up their tent, Livy noticed someone moving into the spot directly across from them. It wasn't a big deal until she heard the sound of the truck's engine. She knew that truck anywhere. Raising her head, she glanced over to see Brad, backing up to a spot. Diane noticed Livy watching him and said, "He comes every year, just like clockwork." She smiled and went back to the truck, to grab her lock box and calculator, leaving Livy alone. Taking advantage of her mom being gone, she pulled up a chair and sat down. At the time, there were trucks pulling through and she was able to hide and watch him from afar. But when the traffic slowed, she was caught looking his way. He waved at her and she waved back, pretending like she had just spotted him.

With both being busy, they put off meeting up, and tended to the work. On and off their eyes would meet, and smiles would appear. Diane noticed Livy's interest.

"His daddy left him the farm and the shop. That boy stays busier than three men ought to. He's a fine young man."

"Okay Mom."

"Well, he is."

The morning passed and as the day drew on, the heat grew intense. Wiping sweat from his brow, he kept his eyes on Livy every chance he got. Customers flooded the market, and by the time things were wrapping up, Brad finally worked up the courage to walk over to Livy.

"What a day? Did you guys have a good day?"

"Mom said we cleared a lot more than she did last year."

"So did I. I don't care if I ever see another market. I'm beat."

Livy grabbed a wad of cash and handed him the seventy dollars that she owed him.

"Hey, I don't want this. I want you to owe me." He handed it back.

"No way."

"Well if I can't convince you to owe me, than how about getting something to eat as soon as we're done loading up?"

"I don't know." She looked over at her mom, but seeing the stand so empty, she knew that loading up would go fast. "I guess so. It looks like we sold almost everything."

"How about seven?"

"That sounds good. That will give me time to shower and freshen up."

"I'll pick you up then."

"No, I'll meet you. I'd rather drive myself."

Scuffling his feet around in the dirt, he agreed and asked her where.

"how about Joey's?"

"See you there at seven then."

"Okay." She turned and walked back to the truck, turning just in time to see him looking back at her. She felt an odd thrill as she turned back around. He knew the thrill. He had already been thinking about it.

# Chapter Seven

Chit chat and small talk made up most of dinner, but by the time they were finished eating, the small talk grew quiet. Brad watched closely as Livy bent her head down, looking into her lap. He sensed that she was thinking about Curtis. Reaching across the table, he dropped his hand on top of hers.

"Hey, you want to go for a walk?"

"Sure, why not?" She folded her napkin and draped it across her plate and stood to her feet. A walk was always the way to handle the times she grew uncomfortable. Throwing down a five, Brad left the young waitress a tip and pushed in his chair.

"How about we take a walk around memory lane. I'll show you a good time."

She thought for a moment, and answered, "as long as we don't go too far?"

"Too far?"

"You don't remember the time you asked me to go on a walk and we walked into Clayton County?"

"Oh sure, bring that up. That was because we were so wrapped up in each other and forgot how far we were going."

"Yea, I know."

The old diner wasn't what it used to be. It had been taken over by the older generation.

"Remember what this place used to be like?"

"Yea, it was great. We never had to worry about our parents showing up. They hated this place. Now it looks like it's their place to hang."

"That happened about two years after you left. The city took a nose dive after you left."

"What about the park?"

"It's still something we can count on. You know, come to think about it, we might be considered the old folk by now. I forgot we aren't in school anymore."

She giggled at that, realizing that the park would be filled with high school kids. "I guess we can go sit on benches and watch them, like the old folks did when we hung out there."

"Sounds great, let's do that." Taking her by the hand, they ran off in that direction and slipped into the park, sitting on a bench. Noticing how good her hand felt in his, he began to get sentimental.

"Livy, I meant what I said about if you ever need me for anything. I hate it that you have to go through this with Curtis being gone. Just so you know I miss him too."

She found that odd since he and Curtis hadn't seen each other in years. She must have shown her confusion on her face.

"I meant that I miss the old times with him. He was a great guy." He paused and then finished. "He was the one who really deserved you Livy."

She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She wasn't even sure she wanted to hear it.

"I never resented him for that."

Trying to change the subject, she pointed out some young kids. They were climbing on top of the equipment; making dares to each other. High up on top of swings, two young boys were doing the balancing act. They looked to be slightly drunk as they twisted their bodies in weird ways.

"Do you suppose they are drunk like we were?"

Studying the boys, she laughed and agreed that they probably were. Her eyes left the boys and she looked at a nearby swing.

"Hey, you want me to swing you?" Brad asked.

"No. I'm too old for that."

"You are never too old. I recall you telling me that once."

"Did I?"

"Yep. You said you would never get too old for me to swing you."

Silence filled their space. She remembered. She surely remembered that night. That was their first time they made out. She felt herself blush, and she tried to ignore it. She hadn't blushed in forever. Brad changed the subject, but not before he offered to swing her if she changed her mind.

His mind didn't have any problem recalling her on that day years ago.

She met him after school while her mother was still at work. She had worn a skirt that day and when he asked her to climb the monkey bars; she refused. But when he asked to swing her, she gave in. Each time she swung forward, he would rush around to face her, hoping he could catch a glance at her thighs. It wasn't long until they crawled inside the barrel, stealing their first kiss. As he sat there, he smiled, turning his head away from her. He waited long enough, and then he pointed out the barrel.

"Haha, look at that. I forgot all about that barrel."

It instantly brought back sweet and innocence. She gazed into his eyes and couldn't deny the memory. "Yea, I do remember that. We were so young."

He didn't take no for an answer and grabbed her hand. With a tug there and an extra pull, he persuaded her to go with him.

She giggled just like the last time they ran for the barrel, and tucked inside behind him. It was still the same. He looked around and hunted for their names that would be encircled with a crooked heart and then pointed.

"There it is."

She leaned over him and peeked. "Omg, it's still there."

"Always and forever, it says."

"Yea."

To break the moment up, she leaned back and made them roll. Round and round they went as they used their legs. After a few rolls, and her clinging to his shirt, they slowed it back down.

"I'm too old for this!" Her breath was rough as she tried to slow down. She leaned her head back against the barrel, shutting her eyes. Thought of younger days were flowing through her mind, and not knowing how close he had gotten; she missed the warning. He leaned into her and kissed her lips. It wasn't that she fought the kiss. She knew she should, but his lips met hers and they just fit. Keeping her eyes closed, she breathed him in. It was the same old feelings that she had when she was kissed by him in high school. But reality sunk in and she pulled away.

"I'm sorry Livy. I shouldn't have done that." He looked agitated, but his voice was soft, gentle and full of compassion. He crawled form the barrel, and started to walk away. She waited and watched him go, but when he got about ten feet away, he turned around and walked back.

"You know what? I'm not sorry. Not at all."

She sat in the barrel, not sure what to say or do. She wasn't sorry either. He then turned and walked back toward the pavilion. This time he kept walking and it was her that jumped up from the inside of the barrel. She ran to stop him, but she immediately changed her mind. She stopped and just stood still, watching him walk back to his truck. She heard the engine start up, and he pulled out of the lot. He was trying to make an impression. He just wasn't sure what impression it was.

Livy wasn't ready to go home, so she dropped by Amber's. With no one else home, she knocked and entered when Amber yelled out.

"Come on in!" She had no idea if Amber knew it was her or not. She couldn't believe she'd do that, without knowing who it was. She was quick to correct her.

"Amber, where are you?"

"Hey girl, I'm in the bathroom."

Livy went to the bathroom and leaned against the door frame.

"Do you always yell out for anyone to come in?"

"Yea, why?"

"Because what if it was a stranger?"

"Have you forgotten where we are? This is Sparta!"

"Yea I know, but what if?"

"You lived in the city too long. Nothing ever happens here."

"There's always a first time."

"Okay, I'll ask who they are first. So what are you doing?"

Livy plopped down on the toilet seat while Amber finished applying her last coat of mascara. "I just had dinner with Brad."

"Omg! I knew it. You're getting back together."

"No. I don't know if I can."

"Can what? It's like riding a bike."

"Not that. I mean the whole relationship thing. It just doesn't feel right."

"I thought you two were getting along great?"

"We are getting along. But it feels like... like I'd be cheating on Curtis."

"Are you crazy? Livy, Curtis is gone."

"Maybe, maybe not. Either way, it feels like cheating."

"This is serious stuff. Have you ever thought about seeing someone about this?"

"What? You mean a therapist? Heck no. I don't need that."

"You need something if you think that would be cheating. It's not cheating, even if Curtis was still alive. He deserted you."

"No he didn't. He is missing."

"Yea, maybe so. But why haven't you heard something? Anything? So you're going to live your life in misery and be lonely because he is missing or maybe even dead? That's worth seeing a therapist over."

"Hey, can I try that foundation? I've wanted to change to a darker shade."

"Sure. Sit down and I'll put it on you. You were never good at applying foundation. You always had streaks."

"What!" Jerking the tube back away from Amber, she stood and looked in the mirror.

"Well, it's true."

"Why didn't you tell me then?"

"I didn't want to hurt your feelings?"

"Oh, you don't mind doing that now?"

They laughed and stood side by side, comparing new wrinkles that they thought were forming. After several minutes of fighting over who had more, they moved into the kitchen and began hunting down something to snack on.

"My mom has got to be the worst mom when it comes to buying snacks. She thinks cold veggies are snacks" as she slammed the frig shut. She turned to Livy.

"So, did he kiss you?"

"I'm not talking about that!"

"So he did then. Why not talk about it; you used to tell me everything."

"Because a lot has changed since then."

"Really? He kissed you, how much could have changed about that?"

She was right, and Livy knew it. His kiss hadn't changed one bit. He still had it and his lips felt just like they did in high school.

"Livy, do what your heart feels. Just follow your heart; it always leads to the brain."

Livy cracked up and she said, "You know that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Your heart makes some of the biggest mistakes; you of all people should know that."

"Yea, I know. But what else are we going to follow?"

# Chapter Eight

Livy was right about one thing. Her mind believed that she'd be cheating on her late husband. Whether he was dead or alive, she believed it. After she returned home, she went to her bedroom and plopped down next to Maxwell. Taking the plush toy into her arms, she held him close. He was easy to love and easy to understand. Men, on the other hand, were not. She sprawled across her bed, stretching her legs out and dangling her feet off the edge. Leaning against Maxwell, her face sunk down into his brown, soft fur. As she turned over, she caught a glimpse of a picture that she had set on her dresser. It came in a silver lined frame, and it was a head shot of Curtis with his new haircut. Nearly bald, it made his eyes pop even more. Grabbing the framed picture, she rolled over on her back. Within minutes the tears began to flow. She traced the frame all along its edges and then touched his face. Following the outlines of his face, her fingers gently circled around and then stopped at his lips. The first thing she recalled was the sounds of his laughter. The gentle vibration of his deep joy came from his mouth as she laid on her back, gazing into his eyes. Then she heard her name being whispered, him repeating it twice to grab her attention the way he always did. She could hear the question in his voice when he told her he loved her, just to tease her. Memories flooded her mind, the first time they kissed, the ride down the river sharing a raft and him saving her from a spill. Sharing a cold bottle of sprite, and sitting on the tailgate of his truck as they watched fireworks under a lit up sky. The babies they planned to have with the long list of names they had picked out and the many discussions they shared about their future. Everything good she could remember returned to her.

But with the good came the bad and she sat up and stared down into what was gone. He was gone; their dreams were gone. She was left behind, expected to go on without him. A strange feeling came over her and the tears subsided. A silence fell over the room and she stared down at Maxwell who had become her only companion she could relate to. She had changed and she could feel the emptiness of the fact. Her life had become a recluse for over two years. She was too young to sit in agony as she watched lovers stroll the park, hand in hand. She stared at Curtis, traced his face one more time and then she stood and walked to the jewelry box sitting on her dresser. It was a safe place to tuck special things. It came with a lock and key, and she raised it on its side, took the key and unlocked the tiny box. When she raised the lid, a soft tune played with the sounds of someone else's love song and she dropped the picture inside. Standing alone in her room, she made a decision. She was changing. Again, she was changing. She could feel her heart crying out to live, and she could feel the need to go on. She turned the key in its lock and placed it under the box. She had to find the way to go on without Curtis, Her mother and Amber were right. There had to be a life out there that would carry her through. There had to be more than living in a silent pain that held her back. It was time.

That night she slept without the dreams. Curtis didn't come to her in the night, standing at the end of her bed. She didn't hear him calling her above the sounds of the crickets and the frogs. She closed her eyes, gripped hold of Maxwell and didn't wake until the morning sun shone through her window. When she did open her eyes, she could almost see a difference. She felt brilliantly alive, stretching her arms and sensing pleasure. This time the first thing she thought about was seeing Brad. She couldn't wait to announce the truth to him. She did love him; she always had loved him.

It was early, yet she felt the need to rise from bed and dress quickly. Not making a sound, she slipped into her favorite jeans, a tank and her riding boots. She was going to take an early morning ride on Marcy, and then she would visit Brad. Before she walked outside she wrote her mom a note and left it on the kitchen table.

***

Bending down she smoothed his hair with her hands and then kissed him. When she went to the barn, he followed her into the yard, yipping at her heels. Saddling up Marcy, she then slid the bridle on her face and kissed her nose.

"Let's go for a ride Marcy. We both need it." She stepped into the stirrups and threw her right leg over the saddle. Straddling, with her legs on both sides, she wiggled down and found her place. With a light flick of the reins, she left the barn for the expansive open yard. The trees and flowers were flashes of color as Marcy galloped pass them, _God I love this_. She could feel the wind blowing in her hair; Olivia had not felt so free sense she was a child, untarnished by the pain that came with being an adult. She thought about how her life had changed since Curtis died; she thought about how she had been able to let go of Curtis. She had a loving mom that would not let her give up on finding love. And she had reconnected with friends and hopefully she could stir the embers of love.

She rode Marcy hard, galloping through the field. She could hear the morning birds chirping at her as she passed by, and she could see the tiny heads of squirrels and raccoons peeking out of the brush. The smells of freshly bloomed wildflowers and even the fading dead grass had such amazing aroma. It was good to be home. Just like a well-fitting rocking chair, her heart had finally found home. Marcy slowed to a trot; she took in air and released a long held sigh. Coming to a slowed stop, she then walked Marcy deep into the coverage of the woods. Alone they walked, she could feel the silent that held her in bondage began to fade away. She was free; finally she was free. Tears had spilled with her undying love for Curtis and it was time to move on without him.

By the time she had ridden back to the barn, she was satisfied with her decision. Taking over two years to grieve Curtis, she was ready to be in love, to take that chance on Brad. It wasn't like he was a stranger that might be hiding something. She'd loved him before and she still had that tingle when he came near her. With a smile and a happy heart, she fed the animals and put them out to pasture and collected the morning's eggs.

***

When Olivia opened the back door, she could smell fresh biscuits and frying bacon. She ran to kiss her mother's cheek.

"Well, looks like the mornings are good to you, sweetheart." Her mother was elated to see her so happy and bright.

"Mom, I've settled it."

Looking concerned, her mother turned and set the fork down in a tiny saucer on the stove. "What have you settled honey?"

"I've laid Curtis to rest. I'm ready to live."

Coming to her in a rush, Diane Tifferton was thrilled. "Darling that is wonderful!"

"I'm going to see Brad this morning. Do you need me to do anything before I go?"

"Yes. I need you to eat a healthy breakfast first. Then, the day is yours."

Pulling out a kitchen chair, Livy sat down. Everything was ready as Diane placed the bacon on a platter and removed the biscuits from the oven.

They shared a breakfast and then Livy jumped into the pickup and made the drive over to Brad's farm. Turning off the engine, she sat in the seat for a minute, and then excitement came over her. Closing the door behind her, the creak was heard and she stepped away. Gripping the door handle, she felt the firmness of her hold, and then she let go. Fingertips slid away from the cold, hard steel, one by one. She was standing on her own, letting go. By the time she made it to his door, he had come to meet her. He could only hope for the best and he studied her eyes when the door flew open. Neither said a word. There wasn't a need to speak. Voices spoke through the eyes, and he took her by the hand. Quietly their bodies followed their passion, climbing a flight of stairs they both entered his bedroom..

***

When they did finally open their eyes, the early morning had passed away and breakfast was on the horizon. Looking into her beautiful blue eyes, he whispered, "How about breakfast?"

"Sounds great." She blushed at the thought of what they had done. She felt at home in his arms and she rose to her bent elbows and kissed his lips. Gently, their tongues locked, and they had another passionate kiss. He finished her off with kissing alongside her face, tracing the contour of her cheeks and returning once again to her lips. He raised his head and stared down at her.

"You so beautiful Livy and you are an amazing lover."

"And you aren't too bad yourself," She replied. Standing side by side in the kitchen, they cooked an amazing breakfast. Sitting naked across from each other, made them both giggle like children. Young at heart and in love, she had finally given herself permission to be happy again.

# Chapter Nine

Livy and Brad spent the day together, filling their time with laughter, and several rounds of chase around the farm... in the nude. No one could see them for miles, and the idea of danger lurked over them was exciting and fun. Several times they found places to hide and make wild and passionate love. All day they rode the waves of every lustful desire. He kissed her goodbye at her truck; with a promise to see each other the next day, he watched her leave.

It wasn't until she pulled into the drive that she let go of Brad's face. Readjusting her clothes, she quietly slipped in the back door. Her mother met her with a smile, but carrying something hidden. It was her eyes that gave it away, and Livy questioned that look.

"Mom, what is it?"

Her mother led her to her room, opened the door and stared at the bed. Livy followed her eyes and landed upon it. There was Curtis' Military uniform spread out on the top cover.

Silence. Total silence.

Then she walked over and picked up a corner of the jacket.

"Why? Where did this come from?" Her eyes plead with her mother to deny its being.

"It came yesterday while you were gone, through UPS."

They stood for a time in the stillness of the horror. He was back, filling her mind with her steadfast devotion. She broke down in tears as her mother came to her side. Diane Tifferton knew that nothing else would do, and she took her daughter into her arms, rocking her back and forth. The battle had returned and it was raging on in Livy's mind. The chance to love again had just been shattered, destroyed and she was spiraling into an abyss of what-ifs.

All kinds of thoughts came to her while her face was buried in her mother's lap. Visions of making love to Brad stung and pained her heart. She had been guilty after all, not being strong enough to hold herself back. In her mind, she had been unfaithful and was guilty of adultery. Diane Tifferton could feel her daughter's battle raging inside. She held her arms around her, stroking her hair as her head twitched back and forth, as she tried to deny the sight of the stiffened uniform. Olivia wailed in agony. Diane fought back open sobs, as she placed her head above Livy's not wanting to expose her daughter to her rare pain. Diane knew that Livy wasn't guilty of a thing. She had suffered for over two years before she was even able to experience any joy. But she know in her daughter's mind, another story rang true. She bent her head down close to Livy's ear, speaking with whispers.

"It'll be alright Livy. It'll be alright. Just let it out." In her mind though, Diane wasn't so sure it would be alright. It was a cruel thing what Livy's mind was doing to her, keeping her held captive in a make-believe world.

Her daughter felt the heavy weight on her shoulders, and it was not justified. No matter how Diane looked at the situation, her daughter needed to be set free. As she held her tight, her own anger at the curse of it all began to overtake her. It was going be a very long summer, and watching her daughter suffer wasn't an option. Something had to be done Diane thought.

After being held in her mother's arms, Livy relaxed her shoulders. She moved about on her mother's lap, then she sat straight up. Diane thought that perhaps she had settled down, but in moments, the anger hit. Livy lashed about, grabbing the uniform and throwing it across the room.

"I'm going for a ride!" She stormed from her bedroom before Diane could stop her; she was headed for the barn. When she approached Marcy, it was as if the golden mare sensed trouble. Marcy stood still as she became bridled and saddled, which was somewhat uncharacteristic. Marcy usually scraped the earth with her hoofs or shook her mane in excitement. But now, she was staring into the eyes of a known pain. Softly, she swished her tail back and forth, feeling compassion for the tender young woman who had loved her and taken her home. Marcy was ready to hand back a favor, any favor that she could give. She knew that the quick movements of Livy were due to a broken heart. She had felt them herself, once or twice. Running, speeding through an empty field, she had cantered through the wind, releasing her anger at belonging to no one.

With a flick of the reins and a little kick, Marcy started in a trot off. Building was a new feeling of rage and she had to escape herself. Marcy ran under Livy, and she watched carefully as her feet came down on the hardened soil. Wanting to protect Livy, she was careful with each step. Her eyes opened wide, scanning the field for any signs of danger. She knew from Livy's behavior that something was wrong and that she was in need. She could sense her deep anger and she could hear her cries atop of her. A harsh curse had fallen on her loved friend, and determined to keep her safe; she strode across the field, carrying her with care.

They were alone for a long time. Sometimes walking, allowing Marcy to rest and graze, Livy was still functioning with a big heart. Other times, she'd fight against her thoughts and flick the reins with that familiar clicking of her tongue. From the time she left the barn, she threw herself at Marcy's mercy, trusting her to carry her through. At one point, Livy hopped down to the ground, walked around and buried her tear stained face into Marcy's mane. It was soft, not prickly and felt comforting. Marcy stood still, except for her beautiful snowy white tail swishing under the tree. There was a conversation taking place, one of the heart. Animal and human, connected through their love.

After her ride, she put Marcy into the barn, and put away the bridle and saddle. Feeding her and giving her fresh water, she walked away.

There was something else she had to do, and she headed to the truck. She knew her mother wouldn't agree, so she didn't give her the chance to share her point of view. She was going to see Brad.

When she pulled up in the truck, he ran to meet her with her favorite smile. Pausing for a minute, she took it all in. He was standing there, shirtless. His strong arms bulging with muscle, he was a dream to any returning cowgirl. Tennessee had lots of hot guys, but staring through the window, she knew that she had found the hottest Tennessee cowboy around. Sadness came over her because she knew why she was there. She was going to reclaim her love and devotion to Curtis, the one who she'd chosen so long ago. The unexpected appearance of his Military uniform had taken her full circle, and she had no other choice but to end it with Brad. It had only gotten started, and the sooner the better. Her world was crashing right before her and she could already feel misery sinking in. She looked out at him, standing on the other side of the door, and she could barely push the handle down on the door to get out. He stepped back, holding the handle on the other side, but his face grew long, holding dread.

Brad wondered what could have happened. She had left him with a love making glow lighting up her face, and now she had a drawn look. Finally, she turned the handle and stepped out.

"Hey, you want to go for some coffee?" Looking to the ground, she kicked at the dirt.

"Sure. But can't we have it here?"

"I'd like to go into town and we can stop by Missy's Cafe."

"I'm not even dressed yet."

"That's okay. I'll meet you there." She turned away and started to pile into the truck.

Brad knew. His shoulders dropped and he felt the crush of the blow hit him in the chest. He could tell by her eyes that she was there with bad news.

"Tell me that you haven't changed your mind." His eyes straight ahead.

She couldn't. She had changed her mind.

"Livy, what's going on?" He began to pace in front of the truck.

"I'd rather tell you about it in town."

"No. You can tell me right here and right now."

She led him by the hand over to this front porch and sat down. When she was finished telling him about the uniform, he gave her a blank stare.

"His uniform shows up and we're done?. What does his uniform prove?"

"That's not the point."

"It's the whole point. He's gone."

"I'm still not over him, Brad. I still love Curtis."

"That's funny. You didn't have a problem yesterday and last night."

"That's not fair. That was just lust." She teared up, but he wasn't letting her off that easy.

"Don't you dare start crying? It's about us now. My god, how can you just drop us?"

"I have to take my time and get over him."

"Time? It's been over two years!"

She stiffened, seemed colder than ever and she refused to talk to him any longer. She stood to her feet and walked back to the truck. He was devastated. Before she got to the truck, he shouted out to her, not wanting to see her drive away on bad terms. He couldn't handle that.

"I can respect your decision. I understand."

She turned to look at him, but he had already turned around and was walking inside. She slowly drove away.

# Chapter Ten

No matter how much Brad wanted to run after her, he left her alone. He knew from experience that he couldn't make her change her mind. He was devastated, Cutis had won again. Staying to himself for the next few days, he never left his farm. The only time he got out was when he walked from the house to his garage to work on vehicles. Having the most popular mechanics shop around, he stayed busy. It was Livy who had to find things to keep her busy. School was out for summer vacation, so her job at the school as a substitute had come to an end. She decided to check at the stores in town, or possibly the local bar. Joey's was always hiring due to someone quitting. After putting her application in at several businesses, she landed a part time job at Joey's and another part time job, cashiering at the market.

In the meantime, Amber had been looking for another job. She worked at the local vet's office, but her hours had been slowing fading away to only part time. With bills to pay at her mother's farm, and her own car payment, she needed more. It was Livy that helped her get a cashier job at the market, and they soon were working side by side.

"Livy, you need to get back with Brad. I heard he is completely torn up. He won't go anywhere. Just works on those vehicles and he's becoming a hermit."

"I can't help that. I told him the truth. I'm not over Curtis."

"How long is it going to take? How many years did you mourn him? You trapped yourself inside your mama's house, seeing no one. That's long enough."

"How can you say that? Is there some kind of time table for the heart to heal?" Noticing a customer headed for her line, Livy waved her over to her.

"Hello, I can take you here, ma'am."

The older woman changed aisles and wheeled her cart into Livy's line.

"Thank you. I'm in kind of a hurry."

Livy walked around her register and helped place the woman's items on the belt. Standing there, Amber began to talk about the situation with Curtis again. Livy looked up at her, trying to hint to keep her mouth shut about it, but Amber kept rattling on. Evidently the woman understood. When all her items were rung up, she placed a fifty dollar bill on the conveyor belt and then looked at Livy.

"You know, I waited on my husband to come back to me for thirteen years. It did nothing for me, but make me old and cranky. I passed up three proposals and a lifetime of children."

Livy was embarrassed, but she was also interested.

"I'm sorry ma'am. Do you regret waiting for him then?"

"Regret? Well, I guess so. I have no children because I sat around weeping for my husband and passed by every chance for love. I cried right through the prime of my life!"

"See there! I told you that you need to get over Curtis!" Amber said, taking advantage of the lady and her wise words. The lady turned around and stared into Amber's eyes.

"That's not something you can help this young woman with. Love grows deep, and when that seed is planted, there's nothing that can drive it out. I still love George. I visit him every day at the nursing home to this day."

"Oh, he's in a nursing home?" Livy leaned out across her line. "You're together then?"

"No, we aren't together. He came back after years of being gone, running around. But he was sick. What was I to do, abandon him? I've been taking care of him ever since."

"Does he have regret? Does he tell you how sorry he is for what he did?" Amber grew curious if it had been a happy reunion.

"That man never said he was sorry to me one time. Now he's so senile, he doesn't know anything. Bitter. He's just a bitter old man."

By this time, Amber was standing in front of the woman, at the end of her cart. She looked into the lady's aging eyes. "And you?"

"I guess I lost my life for nothing. But, what else was I supposed to do? I thought I was supposed to stay a faithful wife. There are many kinds of love. Don't get hung up on only one kind. You can love your husband while he lays in the ground, and still be in love with someone who's full of life." She inched forward, pushing her cart as Livy stepped out of the way. "Honey, you are too young and pretty. You have to decide to let go. When you find you can do that, you'll be free. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." Livy was wringing her hands, studying the woman.

"Is your husband cheating on you? If he is, there might be a chance he'll come around and wake up."

"No he was faithful. He passed away."

"Well, now that's something very different. If he has passed on, he knows nothing. He'll never love you back through the years that you put your life on hold. You'll never hear his voice or see his face again. What kind of hope is that? Move on young woman and live. Life is over before you know it. Don't you want children?"

That was all she was offering that day. Her face was drawn, withered and her heart was still in pain at her age. She turned around and looked at Livy one more time. "If you stay stuck, you'll end up looking just like me. I didn't get all these age spots for nothing. Now I have nothing to even show for these ugly things."

She pushed her cart to the front of the store and piled her groceries into a small bag she had draped over her arm. Bent over, she looked like she had lived a life of misery. It tugged at Livy's heart to see her so unhappy. Amber walked over and joined Livy's side and just shook her head. "There's your life. Is that what you want?"

Livy stood and watched the woman as she slowly hobbled out of the store. She could relate to the woman. Love doesn't die. She was sure that she still loved Curtis. But maybe the woman was right. She could still love Curtis in her heart. And she could love Brad Sands.

Livy couldn't wait for her shift to end. As soon as she punched the time clock, she told Amber that she had some things to do. Not sharing what it was Amber pried for the answer. With no luck, she shrugged her shoulders.

"Okay. Give me a call if you want to crawl out of your hole and we'll do something."

Livy was about to do something. She was finding Brad. Without stopping at home to change clothes, she drove to his house, taking curves faster than she should have. She was desperate and she had to get him back. Picking up her cell, she dialed her mother.

"Mom, I'm on my way to Brad's. I have to see him. I met the most amazing old woman at the store today."

"Oh yea? What happened?"

"Nothing except she told me her story of how she waited around for her husband to grow up. He left her and was running around and all."

"Yea? What happened to her?"

"She grew old. I'm not going to do that. I'll be home later. Please don't wait up."

Diane Tifferton couldn't have heard sweeter words. It was like music to her ears. "You go on honey. Home is always here." The phone went silent on her end, and she wasn't even sure if Livy had heard her. Livy was on a mission. Excitement flowed through her veins. She was ready and she was in love. Of all the people in the world, she didn't want to pass through her life without Brad Sands. She had loved him for years. Even when she was married to Curtis, she still cared for Brad. He had been tucked back somewhere in her heart in a special place. It took a little bent over woman to wake her up. She whispered to herself, _there are all kinds of love. She's right. I can love them both. It's not cheating. Curtis is gone. He knows nothing. He's sleeping. I can love Brad because I always have._

She was only a mile from his ranch. She could see the birds hanging on phone lines, pairs sitting perched side by side. Leaning into each other, they would peck and cuddle with their feathers stretching, fluffing up. _That's love, look how they group together_. A happy little love song played on her radio as she took the last curve. Just ahead was Brad's. She hoped that he wouldn't play the hard to get act. But if he did, she was willing to take it. She wanted a future and she wanted children. _I don't want to end up like that little old lady, with no one to love her. I don't want to be like Marcy, stuck out in some field, being forgotten and passed by!_ She began to tear up, just thinking about it. The lady had walked into that store and overheard their conversation for a reason. Livy's mother tried and Amber tried. The lady was right; no one can make you do anything. _There are all kinds of love. I choose to love Brad._

The truck skidded on the road that led to his house. Barely able to keep the tires on the road, she skidded off into the grass a few times. She couldn't wait to take him in her arms and to get started on their new life together.

Just as she turned into his driveway, she noticed that his truck was missing. _Maybe he parked it in the shed_. She inched the truck forward, parked and jumped out. Heading for the side door, she scanned the farm, thinking he might be working in the garage, but she checked the house first. Knocking several times, she pounded on the door. After no answer, she walked to the garage. It was all locked down. The padlocks were stretched across the door, and lights were out. She ran to the barn and walked in, shouting his name.

"Brad! Brad, are you in here?" The animals were in their stalls, and she found that odd. It wasn't until she looked at his newspapers that had been thrown into a pile at the far side of the front porch, when she realized that Brad was gone.

He's not here! She fell to her knees. I waited too late. She was beside herself with pain. Where could he have gone?

She jumped in her truck and headed back to town. Tears streamed down her face and she felt that really big lump form in her throat as she tried not to sob. Her body ached with fear, and her throat hurt from her gasps. Around one curve, she nearly lost control of the truck, and she brought it back to the road, it was hard to see through her tears, and she brushed them away with her hand. _He left me!_ She cried, she wailed and she sobbed bitterly, thinking that he had given up on her.

Her first stop was at Joey's. He used to be a regular there, sitting around drinking cold bottles of pop. He was never into booze and sat at the bar just talking to the bartender. _He has to be there,_ she thought as she pulled into the parking lot. Just before she went inside, she realized that it was the last place he'd go now. He hadn't been there since she got the job there. _I ran him off from there! What have I done?_ She ran in and checked anyway.

"Sam, have you seen Brad? Has he been here?"

"You know he wouldn't come here. You're here. I haven't seen him since you two broke up."

She ran back to the truck. She didn't want to be reminded how she had ran him off from his hangout. She wanted to run and jump into his arms. Checking the stores, she drove by every place in town. There was just no sign of him. Her last stop was the gas station that sat at the edge of town. _If he had left town, he would have filled up here_ , and she pulled in. She jumped out and ran through the door, slamming it against the wall.

"Mrs. Richey, have you seen Brad Tifferton?" She waited.

"Brad just left her about ten minutes ago."

"He couldn't have! I've been looking all over for him."

"You didn't; look here. He stopped in after helping Roy Carter with loading up his boat."

"Thanks!"

That's why she hadn't seen him anywhere. Roy lived on that end of town, and she had been all over town, except there. She ran back in.

"Do you know where he was going? Which way?"

"He rattled on about getting his head clear. Said he was heading for some cabin. He took this highway out of here."

_He's going to his grandpa's cabin!_ "Okay. Thank you Mrs. Richey." She ran back to her truck and headed down the highway. She wasn't sure if she could find it, but she had to try. She traveled for nearly ten minutes, checking out the side roads. Nothing looked familiar. She was upset, and about to give up when she happened to see his truck sitting at a road side diner. Skidding across the road, she barely made the turn-off. As she pulled into the lot, she wiped her tears and parked. When she entered, she didn't see him at first and then way back in the corner, sat one guy, one very hot guy. It was Brad munching on a plate of fries.

Brad saw Livy when she walked in. He was still upset. He was not going to even listen to her, but when she stood next to him, his heart melted. Dried mascara streamed down her face. Her eyes were puffy and her voice was weak. He could hear the shakiness as she spoke his name.

"Brad, will you at least talk to me?" She struggled to beg him. Her body rocked back and forth as she kicked around at nothing on the floor. Her hands were in her jeans pocket and she pivoted on one heel. She looked gorgeous to him, good enough to kiss. But, he held back.

She was not good at begging. She didn't want to beat around the bush. She took a chair and sat down at the end of the table.

"Will you just come back home and we can talk?"

Time ticked as she stared into his eyes. She never budged and she kept looking for any hope. He studied her for a time, and then he spoke softly.

"You're all I ever wanted, Livy."

That's exactly what she wanted to hear. That was enough to make her jump from her seat. She landed on his lap and grabbed his face in her palms. The kiss came and it stayed. She took in his scent, breathing deeply as she kissed him passionately. Tears still ran down her cheek, mixing with their kiss, leaving a salty taste. She opened her eyes to see him looking back and she broke down in tears and pulled away.

"Can you forgive me? Please forgive me. I don't want to grow old and miss out on being with you."

He leaned back in the chair, studied her for a minute.

"Are you sure?"

"Very sure."

That's all he needed. He reached inside his front pocket and slapped a good-sized tip on the table and stood.

"Let's go home. I'll race you there."

Two pickups peeled out of the parking lot and chased the trail back to his ranch. She couldn't wait to get her hands on him. Before they even got through the door, Brad had Livy's shirt torn from her body and swooped her up in his arms. He carried her into the house, straight to the bedroom. They made love once, twice and then tried for a third, but their bodies were completely spent. Afternoon turned into evening, and after a bite to eat, they were at it again. When the dim lights finally went out, they cuddled into each other's arms, finally able to trust their hearts.

***

The next morning...

Morning came along with breakfast. After they ran to her house and saddled Marcy up, they rode all over the countryside. They ended the day in Brad's bed. One thing led to another and before they knew it, they were making a lifetime of commitments. Promising her mother that she would visit every day, she gathered her belongings and piled them into Brad's truck. Then she saddled up Marcy and rode her all the way to Brad's. She was moving in! Her life was just beginning. Leaving Marcy behind wasn't an option. She wouldn't even consider leaving her at her mom's. Marcy needed to be loved every day, not just on visits.

Brad and Livy made up for lost time. They spent every minute they could together. Livy quit the job at the bar, and worked the store, while Brad continued running his successful shop. Their time together was filled with all kinds of fun and even more love. Between fishing, canoeing and riding horses, their calendars were full. There was always time to spend quiet moments under the sheets and life was moving on.

Livy had forgotten about Curtis for the most part. She could still feel her love for him, and she recognized that kind of love. The little woman at the store never did come back in, and she wondered where she had gone. If she never saw her again, her memory would live on because she had taught Livy more about love than she had learned in a lifetime. She still had that picture of Curtis in her locked jewelry box. It still sat there, staring back with his gorgeous blue eyes. She didn't pull it out anymore. Because she knew what kind of love she had for him, and she didn't need to prove to herself anymore that she loved him. There are different kinds of love and she loved him with a certain kind. While she loved Brad with here and now kind of love.

Diane Tifferton became a frequent visitor at Brad's, since Livy moved in. Their time together didn't suffer. She ended up being able to spend more time with Livy than ever before. Seeing her daughter's smile warmed her heart. Amber was happy since Livy was happy, and their lives became filled with family and friends. They had even talked about their futures.

"I want a bunch of kids!" Livy still couldn't get the old woman and her advice out of her mind. The last thing she wanted was to miss out on children.

"That's good, because I will need a couple sons to take over with the shop, so I can just sit back."

"Hey, what if they turn out to be little girls?"

"Girls make great mechanics. They have more patience."

"What about helping me in the kitchen?"

"Well, I guess if the girls are running the shop, then I'll be stuck with the dishes." He laughed and pulled her over, cuddling her in his arms. "It doesn't matter if they are girls or boys. Let's just hope that they like to work on cars."

"You mean trucks?"

"Yea. I guess I work on more trucks, since this town believes cars are for sissies."

"You know though that we need to wait on kids, right?" Brad was making sure.

"Yes. I wasn't talking about having one next week."

"It takes nine months, right?'

"Yep, nine long months."

"Then we had better get started!"

He shoved her off his lap and then grabbed her hand and they both raced to the bedroom. He took her to the bed, undressed her piece by piece and then laid back and looked her over. "Livy, you are the most beautiful woman in the world." Then he leaned into her and devoured her with the most passionate kiss. They made love all afternoon, bringing each other to climax after climax. That's how their days were spent, and they were good at spoiling each other. They both were always bringing gifts home, tokens of their promise. They filled their time with giving back to the town and devoted time to helping out in the nursing homes and local kids clubs.

Livy would find the old woman again. It was on a visit to the nursing home. As she made her rounds, she heard a familiar voice as she passed down a hallway. Standing just outside one room, she listened as some elderly woman spoke softly to someone in the room. She knew the voice and couldn't resist popping in the room just to make sure she was right. On one side of the room there were two beds. They were scooted close together and the woman was reaching across to the other bed. Not knowing anyone was in the room, she spoke to the man in the other bed. Livy stood at the door and listened.

"I don't know what I'll ever do with you George. You are the most stubborn man I've ever known."

The man was quiet, not offering any kind of conversation. The woman went on and on as if he was involved. She'd ask questions, and then she'd play his part, answering those questions. It was heartbreaking to see that nothing ever changed for the little lady. Livy started to walk toward her, but something in her heart begged her not to. The woman looked dreadfully sad as she sat still waiting for her husband to speak to her. Livy heard a every time the woman would take over and begin a new conversation. _Wow, that's all the woman knows. He's never going to change and never going to come back. She was right._ Livy wasn't even sure if the woman would remember her, so she backed slowly out of the room. She'd wait until another day, and then she'd try again. She left the room and leaned against the wall outside the door. Tears welled up in her eyes, thinking how close she came to that kind of loneliness. For two years, she had the taste of being that alone. She never wanted to go back.

***

Three months later...

"Get up sleepy head!" Piling on top of Brad, Livy always loved waking him up in the mornings.

"Is the coffee made?" He rolled over, pulling the covers over his head.

"Yea, but that's not the only reason you want to get up is it?" Sitting up and staring down at him with one crooked brow.

"Of course not. But, it helps this early." He grabbed at her, but she jumped from the bed. "If you want a cup, you had better get up."

She left the room and went back to the kitchen. They had stayed up too late, and now they were paying the price. She hollered from the kitchen again, ten minutes later.

"Hey lazy! You better get up. I'm leaving for work in ten."

Not wanting to miss that goodbye kiss, he threw on a pair of jeans and ran into the kitchen.

"You're not leaving without kissing me goodbye." Pulling her into his chest.

"I thought all you cared about was the coffee." Teasingly, she pulled back.

He grabbed her, kissing her neck, working his way down.

"Don't even start! I'll be late. That'll be twice this week."

"Coffee always comes after you. Are you sure we can't?"

"No way! Your cup is in the cabinet. The coffee is still hot and I left your breakfast in the oven. Don't forget to turn it off. I got to go!"

"Fine! I'll see you when you get home."

She was out the door and into the truck before he could get his cup down.

Amber had learned a lot from Livy. It turned out that Amber met a new guy and they had dated. She was not very good at trusting in love. She had been all talk and no walk. Watching Livy enjoy freedom and love, she sat back and watched. Being beaten by her last boyfriend, she was slow to let any guy back into her heart. After many girl talks and watching Livy let go, Amber followed suit. The couple became very close and spent lots of time getting together. Months passed, and Amber beat Livy down the aisle. On one very gorgeous spring day, Livy stood beside her looking into a mirror.

"You make the most beautiful bride Amber."

Leaning back, she looked into the mirror. "I don't know about that. I think you will be the prettiest one of all. When are you going to tie the knot?"

"I don't know. We've talked about it."

"Talk is cheap. You better take the plunge. I can't be a fat pregnant woman all by myself."

Gently, Livy led her away from the mirror. "Hey, this is your day. Let's walk down that aisle. I'm so proud of you. I told you that he'd make a great husband."

"We aren't there yet." Amber was happy, but her habits hadn't vanished.

"Yeah, but you're only minutes away. Now, let's go. Your groom is waiting."

***

After the wedding...

After the beautiful wedding an idea was planted in Livy's mind. She was going to marry Brad Tifferton. She didn't know how soon she'd be walking down that aisle, but she knew she would. She sent her best friend off with a hug and kiss and then climbed back into the truck with Brad.

"Can you see us getting there?" With a new look in her eyes; it thrilled him.

"I've always seen us getting there." Squeezing her hand, he kissed her cheek.

"Really Brad?"

"Really. You just never knew how much I loved you. I always did. I just had to wait."

So did the lady, she thought. She waited and waited for her husband to go home to her. He waited until he was old, wrinkled up and had nothing to offer. She curled up in Brad's arms, thankful they had finally found each other.

"What do you say we sit outside and cook on the grill? We have left-over hamburger in the fridge that needs to be used."

"Sounds great. We can't let anything go to waste, can we?"

Thinking on the time she had wasted, she replied, "No we can't."

Love had found its place in their hearts. Nothing could come between them. Not bills, not stressful work days, not even cranky neighbors. They worked together in the shop on days she was off, and he had to get vehicles out, and she became quite good at handing him his tools.

***

A few months passed and life was still good. Not to say they didn't have spats. They were over the little things, and they always managed to make up. Brad had meetings to attend, courses to take and he'd travel to different mechanic shows to learn as much as he could, trying to stay up with news skills. Sometimes Livy would go with him, and other times she'd stay behind, taking care of Marcy and old Rascal. She visited her mother a lot while he was gone and stayed close with Amber. She even gave in and paid the old woman a visit in the nursing home.

Little did she know that her visits would brighten the lady's day just enough to put a smile across her face. Instead of wasting her breath, making up conversations with her aging husband, she was able to look face to face with Livy and hear the voice of another one who cared.

Livy worked the day shift and spent many evenings sitting beside the woman. Her name was Gladys, and her husband, George never did participate in their conversations. Livy wondered though if he could hear everything they said. She watched him from time to time and when his wife would complain about his ways, he'd frown and turn his head to the window. But, when she spoke of her undying love for him, he'd look their way. There was a look in his old eyes that told Livy that he would someday say something. She waited and waited and it paid off. Walking into the room one evening, she paused at the door. She heard Gladys talking to George and she nearly walked in and announced her presence. But what she heard next kept her at the door.

"You've been gone a long time George."

Well, I'm back now. Can we just concentrate on here and now?"

"I don't know George. I've waited for ages."

Livy smiled as she stood at the door quietly. The couple had a long way to go, but it was a start. With not many years left, Livy knew that every minute counted. She didn't enter the room. While George was talking, she didn't want to interfere. Gladys had waited long enough to hear her husband talk with her. Livy backed away from the doorframe and walked on down the hall. She'd some back later.

***

One month down the road...

Livy had paid several visits to Gladys and George, never staying very long. She did hear from Gladys that George had finally asked for her forgiveness for the time he had been away. Livy didn't expect to walk into their room that Sunday morning. Brad had stayed at home, catching up on some rest and she ran into town. She walked down the hall and made it to the room. Excited, she couldn't wait to give them the treats she had baked. George liked to eat chocolate chip cookies. Gladys liked to feed him. She busted into the room, ready to make their day. She could hear the nurses stirring about down the hall. The room was quiet and she could see Gladys's hand stretched across the bed, lying in George's hand. Nothing was odd about the sweet picture; they always held hands. Before she could get to their bedside, a nurse appeared. Livy turned to her to say hello. The nurse just stood there with a blank stare.

"What? What's wrong?" Livy could see that something was wrong.

"They are... they are gone. We are just getting ready to call the coroner.

"No!" Livy dropped the plate of fresh baked cookies to the floor and ran to the beds that were sitting side by side. She crept to the end of Gladys's bed and looked straight ahead. There was Gladys and George, still holding hands. She broke down in tears and slipped down to the bed. The old pair had gone together, not willing to stay apart any longer. The scene was emotional as she looked back up. Shaking her head, she went to Gladys and placed a kiss on her still warm cheek. Staring down, she touched their hands that were entwined.

Livy knew that George had finally healed his wife's heart and it left her with a peace that she might never experience again. She'd met a dear old woman that had spoken hard truth and saved her life. Now she had to learn how to let go of such a dear friend. Livy went over, picked up the foil wrapped cookies and laid them on a nightstand. Then she turned and walked out of the room.

She cried all the way home, releasing tears and realizing that her visits with Gladys had come to a halt. But, by the time she pulled into the drive, she understood that Gladys was finally happy and she was free from pain. George had come back to her at the last minute, and late was always better than never. She grabbed her purse and walked into the house, going straight to the front room. She sat down next to Brad and took his face into her hands.

"I missed you." She kissed him long and hard. He didn't even have to ask why. He could see in her eyes a sadness.

"Was it Gladys or George?" He asked her quietly.

"Both. It was both of them. They went holding hands."

"Oh man, that's how I want to go with you."

They curled up, watched movies the rest of the night and woke up at three in the morning. Something about Gladys passing sparked a new love in Livy's heart. Thinking that she knew everything there was to know about love, she could feel her heart swell. Just looking over at Brad working in his garage brought a smile to her face. She had finally found that balance in her life. She still thought about Curtis and the life they shared. She had no qualms about thinking of him, and she felt no burdens of guilt. Gladys had been one wise woman, telling her that there were all kinds of love. Livy had found that out and it made life much easier. Once in a while, she unlocked that tiny jewelry box to look at Curtis' picture. Then, she'd place it back and shut the box. It warmed her heart to know that the time they had together was good and loving. She could rest in her heart as he slept. He wasn't aware of her involvement with Brad. And she even believed that if he was, he would somehow approve.

She had been with Brad for two years. They were getting closer to starting a family. They wanted to wait until they were sure that they could handle all the responsibilities of raising a child. But she sat at the kitchen table many days, making a long list of her favorite names for babies. She circled her choices and then she'd slide it back into a kitchen drawer. Once in a while she'd pull it out and smile, seeing where Brad had circled his own favorites. They played back and forth with the list, never saying a word. The list grew and grew, names were added and some scratched out. She could feel the moment getting closer that they would finally take the plunge. She began looking around, preparing ahead and getting ideas about colors to decorate the special room with. She kept that part secret, waiting for the right time.

Brad's business flourished. He became quite known in three counties wide and was considered to be one of the best mechanics around. Their finances were stable and life was looking good.

Marriage was a thing they were talking about. In a few months, they would take that leap and join hands in marriage. They enjoyed each other so much that they didn't mind the wait. Brad began working on the house, adding a room and another bathroom. Hurrying him along, she helped him as they worked side by side. Materials were gathered and the project was well on its way. This allowed them to take things at slower pace, getting loans paid off before taking on a family. He still had meetings and classes to take, and she traveled with him less than she had at the start. They felt confident with their relationship, and she stayed behind to take care of the ranch and tend to the horses. Quiet days came and went when he was away.

She had a surprise for Brad before he left for a convention. She had been looking through wedding magazines and found the perfect dress. Rushing to him while he was packing for his trip, she plopped down on the bed with the magazine sprawled out. He glanced up from the dresser, and slid the drawer shut.

"What's that?"

"That is the dress I'm going to wear in the day you make me an honest woman."

"I thought you were already honest." He grinned.

"I am. But, you'll make me an honest married woman, and when you do, I want to look like a million bucks."

He leaned over, took a look and then said, "You look like a million bucks already."

"Then I want to look like a billion bucks. What do you think?"

He sat down next to her. "If you wear that, we'll never make it to the ceremony."

"Then you won't be allowed to see me until I walk down the aisle, because I'm not going to miss out on wearing this." Her face was lit up, and he leaned over and kissed her. His kisses hadn't changed a bit. They were still long lasting and filled with desire. She knew he had no time to waste, so she shoved him off.

"Don't start that now. You have a plane to catch."

"Yeah I do. I guess I had better get going. I'm going to just leave my truck at the airport. That way I can just hurry home when I get in." He stood to his feet and kissed her again. Then he turned to walk out the door.

"Hey!"

"What?" Livy looked at him, wishing he didn't have to go.

"Will ya miss me?"

"Every minute of every day."

He started his truck and she listened to him pull out. Brad would be gone a long two weeks this time. It was one of his longest trips away.

He had classes back to back, but he would come back with updated knowledge on engines. The times were changing and so were the trucks. Livy had enough to keep her busy between work, spring cleaning and visiting her mom and Amber. But about midway through she had a lazy day. Waking to the sounds of Marcy and Bullet, Brad's horse stirring around in the barnyard, she looked out and smiled. They had become the best of friends and got along beautifully. Throwing on a pair of shorts, she went to the kitchen and started the coffee. She threw in a couple slices of toast and then sat back and waited. Pulling out the growing list of baby names, she checked to see if Brad had left any surprises. Sure enough. There at the end of the list was _Danielle, Grace Olivia, Rachel_ and then, _Robby, Benjamin_ and _Kage._ She looked the list over and drew smiley faces by her picks. She tucked it back in the drawer and poured a cup of coffee. The toast popped up and she took her breakfast to the front room. Picking up her wedding magazine, she sat down and started making checkmarks. As she turned the pages, she stopped at one page and a smile spread across her face. Brad had left another surprise. Written on the pages edge were, _Will You Marry Me Now?_ Her face lit up and she grabbed a pen and wrote an over-sized, _yes_! He was ready, and she was beyond ready. She tucked the magazine into her chest and kissed the page with her wedding dress. It was really happening. They had finally made it there.

An hour passed by as she sat there. Now she was marking up the pages in not only the wedding magazine, but she began scribbling all over baby magazines. Getting a subscription with the company, they had thrown in a free twelve month subscription to two leading baby magazines. Flipping through the pages, she laughed out loud at all the ideas that she saw. Picture after picture was the face of a laughing child, a dirty faced child or even twins holding hands. She grinned from ear to ear, knowing her own future. _I can't wait to have his baby,_ escaped from her lips.

That's when there was a knock at the door.

It was a soft knock. It was early for anyone to be paying a visit, and her cell hadn't rang once. Dragging herself from the sofa, she laid the magazine down on the table. She glanced down to make sure that she was presentable. She hadn't showered, but shorts and a tee would be okay. She thought about who it could be so early. _Maybe someone is broke down_ , she thought. She looked out the window first and saw a blue Chevy truck parked out front. _I don't know anyone that drives that_ , she whispered. Realizing that Brad was gone, she paused, not sure she should go to the door. She looked again through the curtain, but with the blind spot, she couldn't tell who was there. They were persistent and knocked again, this time a little harder. Tip-toeing across the room, she stood in front of the door. She was always the one that harped at Amber for leaving her doors unlocked, and now some stranger was at hers. Instead of opening it, she talked through the door.

"Who is it?"

There was silence. That bothered her more. She ran into the kitchen and picked up her phone.

"Who is it?" Again they had knocked and she held her breath after asking.

Then it came. A voice on the other side.

"It's me."

The voice was soft, spoken slow and yet it sounded familiar. She replayed the sound of the person's voice over in her head a few times, and then it came to her. Reaching down, she unlocked the door and turned the knob. Stepping back, her bare feet scooted away from the door. She swung the door opened and dropped her phone.

Curtis was on the other side.

To be continued...

### Thank you for reading!

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