LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
AMY SCHUMER!
♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
AND THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IT IS SO GREAT TO BE BACK HERE
HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
YES!
IT'S THE BEST.
SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, I
GOT MARRIED THIS YEAR.
SORRY, LADIES.
IT'S BEEN LOCKED DOWN.
AND SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE WHAT
ARE YOU GOING TO TALK ABOUT IN
SAND UP.
ALL YOU TALKED ABOUT IS GETTING
RAILED.
I'M LIKE THANK YOU.
BUT IT'S TRUE.
I'M A LITTLE SAD.
I'M NEVER GOING TO GET A "YOU UP
"
TEXT AGAIN.
YOU KNOW?
IT'S NOT LIKE THEY WERE ROLLING
IN, BUT IT WAS NICE TO KNOW
SOMEONE WAS THINKING ABOUT ME.
I ONE TIME GOT A YOU UP TEXT AND
HE WROTE BACK SORRY, WRONG TEXT.
ME, TOO.
I WILL JUST CANCEL MY UBER.
WHO CARES?
SO I DID, I GOT MARRIED AND THE
WAY MY NOW HUSBAND PROPOSED WAS
SO WORTHLESS.
IT WAS SUCH A DUMB PROPOSAL.
IT WAS THE MORNING I WAS STILL
ASLEEP.
HE THREW THE BOX AT ME AND SAID
I GOT YOU THIS.
THAT'S A REALISTIC PROPOSAL.
I FEEL LIKE IN THE MOVIES AND TV
SHOWS IT'S THE GUY GETTING DOWN
ON ONE KNEE AND THE GIRL IS
SHOCKED.
SHE'S LIKE AAH!
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU LIKED ME.
YOU ARE GOING TO SPEND THIS WITH
THIS DUDE AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW HE
LIKED YOU?
BUT THE GIRLS I KNOW, I'M FROM
NEW YORK.
WE GOT MARRIED IN OUR MID-TO
LATE 30s.
THE GUY WOULD PROPOSE AND MY
FRIENDS ARE LIKE OH, NOW?
NOW YOU'RE READY THAT I PROBABLY
CAN'T HAVE KIDS.
COOL.
YOU'RE NOT IN LOVE, YOU'RE
TIRED.
I KNOW ALL YOUR PASSWORDS.
THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.
I HAVE BEEN A BRIDE'S MAID IN
SIX LONG ISLAND WEDDINGS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT
MEANS?
AGAIN, IT'S LIKE THEY ALL GOT
MARRIED IN THEIR MID-OR LATE
30s.
IT'S NEW YORK.
IF YOU GET ENGAGED AT 40, PEOPLE
ARE LIKE WHOA, TEEN BRIDE!
GET TO KNOW HIM.
MEET IN THIS MAN.
GO THROUGH MENOPAUSE.
MY FRIENDS, THERE IS SOMETHING
LIKE A LITTLE BIT SAD ABOUT
BEING A BRIDES MAID IN YOUR LATE
30s.
I'M ALWAYS STANDING THERE IN A
GREECIAN DOWN WITH MY AGING
CLEAVAGE AND A COACHELLA FLOWER
THING AND YOU ARE JUST IN THAT
LINE OF BRIDES MAIDS HOPING YOU
DON'T HAVE THE BIGGEST ARM.
YOU ARE LIKE TO GO AN ARM WORK
OUT AND A TRICEPS PRESS.
SHE DOES!
BUT MY FRIENDS, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE
WHEN THEY WERE YOUNGER, IT USED
TO BE YOU GET MARRIED IN YOUR
20s AND YOU HAD A SPAGHETTI ARM
AND YOU ARE HOLDING CHAMPAGNE
LIKE THIS IS HEAVY!
30 IS LIKE A SEA OF TURKEY LEGS.
ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS GOT
MARRIED THIS SUMMER AND SHE'S AN
ANTHROPOLOGIST.
SHE GOES TO THAT STORE
ANTHROPOLOGY A LOT.
SHE LOVES A LOBSTER PRINT ON THE
DRESS.
I COULD NOT AFFORD ANTHROPOLOGY
GROWING UP.
IF I CAN GET ANYTHING FOR FREE,
I WANT IT.
THERE ARE THINGS YOU CAN GET FOR
FREE LIKE A RAZOR YOU CAN STEAL
FROM LIKE A GYM.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE A VIOLENT
STRAIGHT RAZOR, BUT THEY ARE
FREE.
SOMETHING ELSE YOU CAN GET FOR
FREE.
TAMPONS.
YOU WILL NEVER BLEED OUT.
SISTER WILL BE THERE FOR YOU.
IT'S TRUE.
WE GET EACH OTHER'S BACKS.
YOU DO.
AND THE WAY WE ASK EACH OTHER,
IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE YOU DON'T
HAVE TO SAY THE WORDS.
IT'S LIKE A RHYTHM AND MOTION.
YOU LOOK AROUND LIKE YOU ARE
ABOUT TO TALK RUDELY ABOUT
SOMEONE AT A FAMILY REUNION.
YOU GO DOES ANYONE HAVE A --.
YOU DON'T SEE THE LAST THREE
WORDS.
WE SAY IT LIKE THAT BECAUSE WE
HAVE BEEN TAUGHT TO BE A SHAMED
OF BEING BORN HUMAN WOMEN.
MEN, I THINK YOU THINK WE JUST
GET OUR PERIODS EVERY MONTH.
WE CHOOSE TO GET IT.
I'M BORED.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
I THINK I'LL BLEED.
JUST BLEED FOR A COUPLE DAYS.
SO WE WHISPER IT BECAUSE WE ARE
EMBARRASSED.
I ASKED THIS GROUP OF GIRLS.
I WAS IN A GYM LOCKER ROOM AND I
SAID DOES ANYONE HAVE --
>> THIS GIRL SAID WHAT SIZE?
I KNOW THERE ARE DIFFERENT
SIZES, BUT I NEVER HAVE BEEN
CONFRONTED WITH THAT QUESTION.
YEAH, WHAT'S THE CIRCUMFERENCE
OF YOUR VAGINA HOLE?
DO YOU HAVE A BIG HOLE OR IS IT
A SMALLER -- THEN EVERYONE IN
THE LOCKER ROOM TURNS TO SEE MY
ANSWER.
I'M LIKE UM, HOW ABOUT DO YOU
HAVE SOMETHING IN A GAPING?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
GAPING DAYS?
JUST SOMETHING THAT CAN PLUG A
SMALL HOLE IN A KAYAK.
IS THAT?
YOUR LOUIS VUITTON?
THIS IS JUST FOR THE LADIES.
LADIES, REMEMBER HOW WE WERE
RAISED WITH THE ILLUSION OF
EQUALITY?
THAT WAS OUR SANTA CLAUS.
WASN'T THAT FUNNY?
WE WERE LITTLE GIRLS THEY WERE
LIKE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!
WE WERE LIKE YEA!
AND THEN WE GOT OLDER AND THEY
WERE LIKE PSYCH!
WE WERE LIKE YOU GOT US AGAIN.
IT SUCKS.
THIS SUCKS.
I THINK SOMETHING THAT WE CAN DO
IS TO JUST IF YOUR MOTHER RAISED
THESE BOYS TO BE A LITTLE NICER
AT A YOUNG AGE.
I REALLY THINK THAT'S A GOOD
IDEA.
JUST THINK ABOUT IT.
WHEN YOU'RE A LITTLE GIRL AND A
LITTLE BOY IS MEAN TO YOU OR
TEASES YOU.
WHAT DOES EVERYONE SAY?
HE LIKES YOU!
YOU ARE LIKE OKAY, GREAT.
YOU KNOW, HE KNOCKED MY BOOKS
OUT OF MY HANDS.
VALENTINE!
HE PUSHED ME ON THE FLOOR.
YOU'RE GOING TO PROM!
OKAY, GREAT.
YOU GUYS ARE SUCH A GREAT CROWD.
I HOPE IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY,
YOU SAOEY MY FILM, I FEEL
PRETTY.
THANK YOU.
I'M SO PROUD OF IT, BUT IF YOU
SEE IT, BRING TISSUES.
YOU ARE GOING TO WANT TO
MASTURBATE.
I LOOK SO GOOD IN THIS MOVIE.
YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT CROWD.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.
