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two lives collide with fateful chemistry

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by

Zaheera Walker

Published 2018

Copyright © 2018 Zaheera Walker

All rights reserved under the International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

This is a work of fiction. Names, places, businesses, characters, and incidents, are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, organizations, events or locales, or any other entity, is entirely coincidental.

Warning: the unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this copyrighted work is illegal. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to 5 years in prison and a fine of $250,000.

Cover by Southern Stiles Design

DEDICATION

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Depression, anxiety, and darkness are all real. Let us not acknowledge it in South Africa only during October each year.

~ For those who lost the battle to depression and committed suicide, my heart bleeds for you. I wish I knew more about the pain you had buried behind those smiles. Please forgive me.

~ Those who are suffering in silence and are too scared to reach out for help, I implore you to break down those walls, and know that you are so loved.

~ The ones who have the love and support of family, please help another if you can.

1

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Everybody needs somebody...

Darkness will come and go. Like waves, it keeps coming, and somewhere in the middle of the ebb and flow there is a beautiful sense of calm. That is where I am right now. It is where I need to be.

I wasn't always this way. You see, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and when I love, I love deeply. Well, for the first time I fell in love with a broken man – and in the process I became broken too. One moment, he wanted me – gave me an infinity ring to seal our love – the next moment he was scared and couldn't be the man I needed him to be.

Those were _his_ words, not mine. I was confused, devastated and pained. We don't speak anymore. He does not take my calls, yet he reads the messages I send him. I think about him every day and sent him my last letter yesterday. He needs space because he does not know what to say, or do, anymore. He says he loves me, but everything seems uncertain. I cannot imagine what it must feel like to be depressed, overwhelmed and unworthy of love.

I am starting to love the journey and I am finding comfort in the quiet corners of my wildest dreams. They say people don't change, but I did. I am the butterfly whose wings had been touched and yet I could still fly. I don't know why he changed but I know he has a beautiful heart.

Each day I am accepting that whether something was meant to be, or whether someone was meant to leave, doesn't matter anymore. What matters are the lessons. That for me is enough. We learn, we grow, we soak up the sun's rays and fly, regardless of our broken wings.

Ray, how I miss saying his name. I don't hate him. I'm not angry. Just hurt, a whole lot of it. But life teaches us that wounds heal and sometimes people have to go into dark places to find themselves. They cannot help it, it is just the way it is.

Many days have passed but I'm learning that there is nothing to fear when darkness consumes you, when it casts your world into chaos. You see, darkness is the catalyst we all need to find the light within ourselves.

So, who am I to tell my story? Well, I am Zee – living in Johannesburg, and who lost everything that held meaning in my life the day he told me his anxiety was coming back to haunt him. I remember him saying he didn't want to lose me, but he also didn't want to hold me back.

If there is a message here, then it is about learning acceptance, and understanding the complex nature of a depressed person, overcoming adversity. You see, I have reached a place in my life that taught me it is not what happens to us that is important, but how we deal with it that is.

I wished that I knew more about depression and anxiety before I met him. Maybe I would have been more patient, extra gentle and understanding. For that I am sorry. Now every second person I meet is fighting this darkness. Some are on medication, others have the support of their loved ones. I do not know if Ray has anyone. What I do know is that he did not want me to help him. Some men are too proud – he strikes me as one.

2018 was going to be my year, but it started off with sadness. Both my parents died within the space of five months. I try to make light of it and tell everyone that I am officially an orphan, but none of them laugh. Then, when I least expected it, he dropped me. Just. Like. That.

I will never forget that day, the eve of my birthday – 18th August 2018. After driving for more than three hours and covering a distance of almost 400 kilometres by car, he sent me a message to say he was scared.

He chose to break the news to me on WhatsApp. How heartless, how cruel to hurt me that way. My heart bled, it continues to bleed when I have time on my hands and my mind wanders. I am learning to live with this wounded, stupid heart of mine. The ache of not having him with me has become a part of me now; painful like a hangnail. And even though I am consumed with a surge of sorrow, I still believe in love, peace, and happiness in the beautiful world we live in.

What happened between Ray and myself has not altered my belief and trust in the essential goodness, the divine self which resides in each of us. I am a spiritual person and believe that we are never given more than we can handle. With all that has happened I am seeing depth in the words: 'Even in the deepest darkness, there will always be a light to guide you. Believe in the light, and the darkness will never defeat you.' Yes, I believe.

It feels strange not to hear his voice anymore. I miss that hoarse, sometimes gentle voice. But hidden among all the tears and longing, I know I have the choice to dwell on the pain of negative experience or to focus on the beauty of existence. I choose to flourish.

Loving Ray made me realise that there is suffering, but there is also joy. Where there is dark, there is also light. He made me feel whole at a time when he was breaking, broken.

Ray brought joy, love, and light into my life. In his own way he helped to heal the wounds of my earlier loneliness. He was not just my person, my partner – he was the best friend I ever had. Wherever you are Ray, I loved you and I always will.

This story is a tribute to those who are battling depression and anxiety. I am not an expert on the subject, but I would like to share what I have seen and learnt along this journey.

2

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Zee

3:15 a.m I was at the Ahmed Al-Kadi Hospital in Durban begging the matron to allow me time with her. My mum. It took me more than nine hours to drive from Johannesburg to Durban.

The N3 Freeway was cordoned off. The truckers were on strike for some reason. Tyres were burning, trucks were set alight. The uphill past Montrose panicked me. It was stop and start for about an hour. Handbrake take-offs were not my thing.

It was very late and the fat drizzles didn't do me any good. _Lord, please get me there safely._ Without thinking I started riding the clutch, and the acrid smells of the outside coupled with my car's exhaust fumes terrified me. _What if my actions damaged the car, what if I needed to pull over for roadside assistance?_ I struggled to stay awake but I wanted to see her. My request was granted.

"Mummy, it's Zee, your favourite daughter." I have a younger sister and for all the days of our lives living with our parents, Mum never said she had her favourite. We were both loved in different ways – but the love was equal. "Open your eyes now. I came all this way to see you."

I reached for her hand under the bedcovers. Cold, lifeless and puffy. "Are you pretending, or are you really ill?" I joked if she opened her eyes, I'd take her somewhere nice just to get away from the monotony of all the treatments she had to endure these last few years.

I expected her to twitch, maybe even wink at me.

Nothing. Mum was dying. I could just feel it, sense it.

To be honest, I knew she was living on borrowed time. I leaned in and whispered. "It's okay to go home. I can see you want to be here for everyone, but it is okay to leave us."

I kissed her forehead and stood around in that icy cubicle. I wasn't sad, just very tired. There was no chair at her bedside. After forty-five minutes I couldn't take it. I needed coffee, a bed, and my sanity too.

I dragged myself to the reception area. Everything was dead quiet. All I heard was the whirring of the air conditioner. The night security guard saw me. He asked if I was okay. _How could I be okay at a time like this?_

He was just doing his job and I had to be polite. He led me to a visitor's chair and asked that I sit for a bit. It was too dark for me to be driving anywhere at this time – not in my state, he said. There was pity in his eyes when he heard I drove through the night. The matron too – I can't remember her name, but she told me she lived in Tongaat, brought me a mug full of steaming, rich coffee.

When I heard Mum was in a semi-comatose state, I just grabbed clothes and got into my car. I didn't know where I was going to stay.

While waiting for morning light I searched for the closest hotel and booked a room. I didn't care if it was five-star or no-star, I just needed a place to lay my head down. My heart wanted me to go to my family, my head told me I was too much of a rebel to do that.

That night turned into several days – then into three weeks. Midday visits, night visits. To-ing and fro-ing. Not once did we get good news about her health. Toxins were spreading fast throughout her body. The medical staff did everything they could to comfort her.

Mum passed away on Saturday, 14th April 2018. She suffered renal failure for six years and hid the pain under the gentleness only mothers exude. She eventually succumbed to septic shock.

Three of her four children were around her bed praying when she slipped away. The fourth was racing to the hospital, but didn't make it in time. Such is life. Mum was buried according to Muslim rites a few hours later – her body shrouded in calico and lowered into a simple grave. B480. That was the number of her grave. She was sixty-seven.

With Mum gone I wanted to live my life fully. I saw how death robbed her and I wanted to live large. Love, I was a sucker for it.

Growing up as a young girl in Durban, I remember how I lit up every time I read a love story with a beautiful ending. Weddings were magical. Everyone looked happy and I wanted that too. Brides and grooms had eyes only for each other. _One day I will have this too_.

I knew then that I wanted loyalty and commitment, real, deep and all-encompassing love. But no matter how hard I tried to visualise it, I always ended up with the wrong types. I gave my heart to the ones who deceived me, led me on with empty promises and then dumped me when I was at my weakest point.

There were also the ones who enjoyed the gifts I showered on them, another one was killed in a head-on collision. He was a beautiful young man and I remember how devastated I was when I heard that his life ended so painfully, so tragically.

I was always giving and giving, and never got anything back, not in the material sense – but love – that was all I craved. Heartbreak and loss had become my constant companions. I gave up on love and drowned myself in my studies. Then it was my stint as a news reporter at a daily newspaper. That took my mind off the relationships and love for a bit. But deep inside me I still craved it.

One day when I wasn't looking, he came up to me in a coffee shop and introduced himself. Three weeks later Nigel Patrick embraced Islam.

He chose the name Mikhail and became my husband after a simple ceremony in Durban North. Yes it was sudden but it felt right. Just as we were settling into the routine of being husband and wife, death came and took him away too. I grieved and felt all the things I was meant to feel.

Mikhail's death was similar to Mum's. Diabetes, renal failure, septic shock. The end. Six years later, it was time to move on. And so on 29th April 2018 I stood at Mikhail's grave and asked him to let me go.

Our holy month of Ramadaan followed shortly and for thirty days I prayed that love would enter my heart. I described my future partner and asked the universe to deliver. He had to be God-fearing, have strong family values, someone who would help an old lady cross the street. I didn't care about looks so much, wealth too didn't really matter. As long as he was faithful and loyal, I was going to be happy.

I applied for leave from work in June and used the time to re-energise my soul. Losing my mother left me mentally exhausted. It was at this time that I signed up to a few social media sites to meet new people and experience new things. That is how it all started.

He sent me a message. A random guy shielding his gaze behind a pair of Aviator sunglasses.

I. Was. Not. Keen. First impressions counted and he didn't appeal to me. I responded though, because it doesn't take much to be polite. He had impeccable manners and introduced himself as Ray from Bloemfontein. We chatted by day, by night, sometimes on the chatline, email, and slowly we progressed to WhatsApp.

We chatted about life and love, marriage and children, faith and prayer. He sounded like a deep person. I liked depth, I liked him. He told me enough, but still I was intrigued by this sense of mystery.

Why would a young, handsome-ish guy be interested in me? I got the feeling that he wasn't telling me everything. I Google searched his name and came across a notice from 2016 in a local newspaper.

Mnr Rob Ray Veldman

29 jaar oud

ID 87***********

Cell 062 *******

Toyota Corolla Quest Metallic Blou

GP registrasie nommer

Dinsdag aand laaste gesien te Bergh Straat 46 Olive Hill

Die person is soek. Hul dink hy het dalk selfmoord neigings.

As enige iemand die person gewaar of kan opspoor laat weet asb

Jean-Marie by 083*******

I understood Afrikaans well enough. I knew what the advert meant, but surely that was a mistake. Why would someone as confident and smart as Ray disappear without informing anybody, why would he have suicidal tendencies? I made a mental note to ask him. But mental notes are as unstable as mental illness.

The first time we exchanged voice-notes gave me butterflies. He spoke beautifully and took the time to communicate in full sentences. That is very rare today.

Immediately after, I sent him a text message. "For an Afrikaans person, I must say you speak impeccable English. I mean that as a compliment."

I saw the word _typing_ flash across the screen. He was responding. "Thank you. I took it as a compliment, even if you didn't mean it as one I still would have. I actually don't know where it came from. I come from an all Afrikaans family, but my English has just always been good. I went to Greys College, one of the best schools in Bloemfontein."

At the time I'd not ever heard about the school, but read somewhere that it was steeped in rich history, it was an institution that turned boys into men. Three generations of Ray's family had passed through that school.

We were chatterboxes... morning, middle of the day, nighttime. He became my drug. I looked forward to his good morning messages, several during the day, and then an avalanche of beautiful words in the evening. Sometimes, we chatted at 1 a.m.

I hardly slept, he told me he suffered with insomnia. Usually he tried to read something and that helped him relax a bit. Alex Kava's _Fireproof_ was at his bedside. He also enjoyed American authors James Patterson and Michael Connelly.

I didn't want to become too attached to him and suggested that we communicate less. But, when I got home that evening I missed the comfort of his words. I was miserable, turned out he was too. We chatted on WhatsApp.

~ Why do you want me to send you more photos when we will never get the chance to meet?

I thought that was a fair question.

~ How sure are you we won't ever meet? It's not an impossible thing to do. As for your photos, I like the idea of knowing what someone looks like. And thank you for calling me today. You've got an awesome voice.

Call me old-fashioned, but I love reading handwritten letters. Just the sound of paper being unfolded, and then devouring the words on that page, was priceless. I suggested he write me letters whenever he had the chance. I would write too. These would be such beautiful keepsakes.

Ray was not in a position to visit me in Johannesburg and asked if I had been to Bloemfontein. To be honest, I didn't quite know where that was. All I knew was that it was the venue for the annual African National Congress conference. I heard that beautiful pieces of antique furniture could be found there too. And I think the town was associated with the misappropriation of funds regarding some Estonia dairy farm. I think, I could be wrong. Oh, I also heard about Clarens and the cherry festival. Now Clarens was not part of Bloemfontein but a different town in the Free State.

"Bloemfontein is far from me. The chances of us meeting are very unlikely." I had no desire to go meet this strange man in a strange place. It would be too risky, yes? "I did a google search on your town and see that it is just under four hours by car. Oooh boy, I am tired already. Maybe I could meet you sometime in August."

If I was going to see him, I had to travel a vast distance. I wanted to do my own things as well. Things I planned before he came knocking on my door.

"But wait a minute. I also want to go to Cape Town for my birthday. The plan is to abseil off Table Mountain. It's been on my bucket list since 2016."

I felt stuck. Go to him, don't go to him. Heads or tails. Yes or no. And shouldn't he be the one to come visit me? If he was really keen, he would have made a plan.

"No, sorry. I'm going to pass on Bloemfontein."

I didn't really know what I wanted, but a small part of me wanted to meet this beautiful person.

3

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Ray

I knew I wanted to try different things and meet new people this year. I signed up on a social media site and chatted to a few people. Nothing interesting though. Her photo appealed to me. She wore a black skirt and a white coat. Then I saw her profile. Just the way she described herself made me feel like I needed to know her. Even if it was a few words on the chatline, I just had to know who and what she was all about.

From her photo, to the way she wrote her profile, made me see her as the ideal companion package. I needed someone like her in my life. Someone who could keep me grounded. She could be it.

I sent her a quick greeting and she responded. She lived a great distance away from me, but nothing is impossible if you really want something. I didn't have the means to travel to Johannesburg and asked if she would consider visiting Bloemfontein one weekend. She didn't seem too keen.

"Well, obviously I'd love if you came, but sadly I can't make that decision for you. I want to go to Cape Town as well. I haven't been there in many years, but if I had to choose, it would be wherever I could actually meet you."

She won't send me any more photos and I hope she will change her mind someday. I really like her. I perused through her Facebook profile and she's actually quite a catch. Any man would be lucky to have someone like her in their life. If they mess it up by being a dumbass, then something must be wrong with them.

At first I thought she didn't want to visit me, but then she explained that she read Zakes Mda's _The Madonna Of Excelsior_ years ago that was set here, well, close enough. The Free State is a big place and Bloemfontein is just a part of it. Apparently, the characters were very racist and she read about Clarens and Brandfort and the cherry festival in Ficksburg. She told me she always wanted to visit but peals of fear held her back.

I tried to convince her that things have changed since then, because I wanted to unravel the mystery surrounding her. "Bloemfontein is not that racist anymore, although there are a few individuals who just won't change with the times. But then again, they are everywhere I guess. I might be going to Clarens in like a week or two. My grandmother used to live there. It's an absolutely stunning place. If you do end up coming for the cherry festival, please don't neglect to tell me. I would love to meet you." I told her I liked her, liked her a lot. That I was falling for her, and meeting her would help us make a decision of whether we could start something together, or not.

I ended the message by telling her that she would love Bloemfontein if she saw the place. That was all I could do. The final decision was for her to make.

Now, if she didn't come through then I had to make a plan to see her. I knew it was early days, but there was just something that made me feel warm and wanted when I chatted to her. I knew I had to pray and ask for a miracle that could help us cross paths.

This woman though, she was confusing me and I hated feeling that way. She seemed unsure about meeting me and that didn't do me any good. I needed to get some air. I switched my phone off and went for a ride on my bike.

Life has always been punctuated with deceit, grief, and loss. Every time I try to get close to someone something terrible happens. What if I lose her too?

4

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Zee

Never a good thing to get excited about something new. Ray was new and different, and a man who lived a great distance away from me. So I decided to make him think I was not interested, but I secretly Googled places close to the airport.

Well, he told me he lived nearby. That he did skydiving as a hobby once. That's another thing on my bucket list. Anyway, I settled on Olive Hill Country Lodge. One night only. I didn't think I could take more than that. Everything about Bloemfontein was just too daunting.

Once it was done I had flutters in my stomach. Nerves gripped me tight and I was uncertain. Walking it off didn't help either.

Why are you putting yourself through this? If you are not sure, don't do it.

Fortunately I didn't have to pay immediately. The next day I cancelled the booking. I just couldn't do it, I was too scared. What was I thinking?

I think it was more the place. Maybe meeting him too. There are so many psychopaths out there. And he also told me he liked me. I think I liked him too. I didn't think about timing because that is not how we measure feelings. But seriously though, things were moving too fast.

"I don't think I can do this. I was going to come through, but changed my mind."

He told me I was confusing him. That he didn't know if I was speaking the truth or lying, or joking. I guess I should have known then that a man who was confused about something as simple as a meeting was not like the others. He didn't respond to my messages. I tried calling but there was no answer. I felt desperate. What was going on? Where could he have gone?

I felt bad for playing hot and cold with him. I genuinely liked this guy. He was different, nicely different. I needed him to know that I was not playing games and certainly had no intention of confusing him. Then I had this urge to send him a letter. I opened a blank page on my laptop and stared at the cursor blinking at me. I had to say something, something to calm him, reassure him.

Dear Ray,

_A short while ago I took time off work, and found myself very lonely at home. I searched for a site that was 'kosher' and came across our meeting space. I chatted to a few people but didn't feel any connection. Then, I tried the chatline and came across your profile. I can't remember who made contact first, but in my heart I knew I didn't want to be anything more than a friend._

Today, it's a month and I'm not obsessed with you. I genuinely care. I care about your joys and sadness, your dad, your sister (what is her name?), her husband, the new baby and everyone you love. I stress when you feel sad and go out to cool off. Don't scare me like that please.

Maybe love is a bit overrated with all the heartbreaks around us, but I am not afraid to express that I do love you with every part of me. I am older and not ashamed of the difference. You have come into my life at the right time. I want us to conquer the world together. I want to build a foundation based on honesty, love, loyalty, and trust. Many will not approve of us and I am okay with that. I am also not ashamed of you in any way and hope that you feel the same about me.

Ray, there are just a few weeks left before we meet officially. I have concerns but I am not scared anymore. This feels so right. From this day on, I promise to cherish you, lift you to the highest stages in life and love, remind you that God comes before all else, and help you see that all our pain and suffering is not in vain. Ray, I will never disrespect you or belittle you. I have faults and will look to you to improve on them.

Thank you for taking this journey with me. Thank you for choosing me, and giving me so much of your heart and love.

I will make you proud and can't wait to share a future with you. I don't need to live in a castle, or wear the latest fashion. I am happy to live in the most simplest place as long as I have your love and you by my side.

We will raise our children to appreciate life and give them good values and morals. I will never disrespect your culture and family, and I hope you will do the same for me.

I have waited so long to find this joy and happiness, and I will thank God every day for making our paths cross.

You, to me, are everything, Ray, everything and so much more. Will you marry me and make me the happiest woman alive? I am happy to ask this when I meet you in August – and if you say yes, that will be my best birthday gift yet.

Are you ready for this? I know I am.

Love, Zee

I hit send and waited for a reply. I waited hours but nothing came. Then I sent him a WhatsApp asking him to check his email. Marriage, that came without much thought. But I took a chance with my late husband after three weeks, and this was no different.

That may sound careless to some, but I preferred to see it as brave. My head told me things were moving too fast and I saw the red flags, but my heart had a mind of its own and encouraged me to go meet him.

He said he saw the email but wanted to take a bath first before responding. I hated baths. I did long, warm showers. Sometimes too long.

5

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Ray

I wanted something real with this woman. The one I had yet to meet. But, if I was to do that then she needed to know the truth about me. What if she shut me out, but what if she was not like the other women and understood me?

I just didn't know what to do, but I couldn't build something with her on secrets and lies. There was kindness in her written words yet she seemed stern on the phone. I loved how she laughed, that was calming. Yes, I had to tell her everything.

Anyway, she seemed intuitive and wondered if I was keeping something from her. Once she asked me if I did drugs, crime, or alcohol. That was not me at all and I told her I'd explain everything when we met. But this...it couldn't wait anymore.

Zee, I want to start my reply with a little background of my life, just a glimpse into a small part of a season in my life that I want you to know.

Please don't think I'm sharing this with you because I want you to feel sorry for me, or pity me. I am sharing this with you in the hope that it will help you understand me better. Please bear with me and read this with an open mind and heart.

I have been single for a very long time now, the main reason for that is that I have built a wall around my heart and was scared to really let someone in, because through past hurts, disappointments and losses, my mind created the perception that this is how I will protect myself from pain.

My life was falling apart, because without love and unknowingly distancing myself from God, I created a foothold for Satan to start breaking me down emotionally. I was never involved in any way, or form, of satanic worship or anything like that, don't worry, but fact is that if we don't have God in our lives and fill ourselves with His light, Satan reigns. That's what I believe.

I fell deeper and deeper into depression, I was in a very dark and lonely place. It felt like nothing in my life worked out. I felt like every time I got close to someone, or something, I would lose it somehow. I didn't want to deal with any emotions because I didn't know how to. I got psychological help, but felt like no medication or doctor could help me.

I started suppressing all my feelings, it was getting easier over the years to do and I eventually got so good at it that it came naturally. I was emotionally dead. I couldn't feel anything, and when I did I couldn't identify what it was, or where it came from. I didn't care anymore. I wanted to die, literally. I didn't feel loved and didn't feel love towards anyone.

Most people don't get how broken I was, how close to the edge I came. I completely gave up on not only myself, but also life. I believed I was a failure and a waste of oxygen. I wanted out.

I finally had a serious mental breakdown while I was working and staying in Kuruman, just over 6 months ago. I finally broke down completely. I felt worthless.

I left my job and came back to Bloem, because I felt like there was nothing left for me in this world. I'd known for a while before that that what I was going through these past few years wasn't normal, and there must be more to life, I just couldn't see it.

After I arrived back my sister finally had enough, she didn't want to lose me and couldn't bear seeing me like that. I didn't just feel dead, I looked that way too. I had lost a lot of weight and didn't take care of myself.

She put her foot down and made me realise I needed help. To be honest, at first I didn't want to do it, but somehow she convinced me to do it for her. She saved my life. I went to a facility in Parys.

They specialise in behaviour therapy. There they break down your life, emotions and behaviour, and help you realise again that there is a higher power. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to go back and face everything, open up to past hurts, confront myself.

Through all that I was working there too, very physical hard labour. The biggest breakthrough for me was finding God again after a few months. I could break the walls down that I have built and let people in.

Only then, I started doing it for myself instead of just my sister. I discovered myself again and over time learned to identify emotions, where they come from and why. I became strong again. I got my self worth back.

That is what I meant when I told you I started my life over. I really meant it. I've come a long way and know what I want. I truly believe that God has sent you into my life, we didn't meet by chance Z. I want to make us work and I am truly committed to this with everything in me. I want to be part of your life and I want to start a family with you.

I am not sure how we are going to break the news to our families, but I know for a fact that if you are everything you say you are, and treat me the way you promised you will, my family will love you. I have an amazing family who care and support me. (On that note - my mum's name was Katja, my older sister was Marijke. My dad's name is Patrick, my younger sister is Anneke and her husband is Justin, he is Lebanese... not sure if I spelled that correct...)

Zee, your e-mail touched me deeply and I feel so blessed to have you in my life. From my side I promise from this day to cherish you, I will support you in every way I humanly can. I will treat you with love and respect, and always stay faithful to you. I will live my life in a Godly manner and know Him in our future together. I have faults too and like you look to me, I will look to you to help me improve mine.

I have said this before, but I will say it again, you are my universe Zee. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know it is thought customary for the man to ask THE QUESTION, but nothing about us has been customary, and to be honest I'm really happy it hasn't, this isn't cliché, this is special and unique. I don't want to play games or waste any more time. Please ask me again face to face.

I am ready for this.

From here on I give you ALL MY HEART FOR ALL MY LIFE.

I love you truly, madly, deeply - forever and a day.

6

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Zee

My phone beeped at 11:43 p.m. That roused me from my sleep. It was an e-mail notification. From him? The glare from the screen hurt my eyes, but I ignored it. I needed to read his message.

I read it once and then again. I had a lump in my throat.

More red flags. _Could I handle something as big as this?_ _What if he relapsed, what would I do?_

But how could I walk away from him now, how could I end things with a man who didn't ask to be depressed – it just happened?

The tears were there but they didn't fall. I was exhausted and didn't have the energy to cry. I couldn't believe he was dealing with so much. And I was so glad it was not drugs, or alcohol, or sex addiction. Anything else, I could handle.

The last person I dated, some three years ago, made me laugh, but there were days when he ignored me and refused to take my calls. We'd make plans and at the last minute he'd cancel. I didn't want to go through that again.

Would Ray do that to me, I wondered. _Why do I attract 'broken' people? Is there something wrong with me?_

Maybe our souls choose to learn certain lessons, and when we are born maybe we are given these lessons to help us learn and grow.

I wish I knew what victims of depression go through. How do they cope with anxiety? Maybe, I could have been better equipped. There were alarm bells going off but I chose to ignore them. He really seemed like a nice person.

I switched over to whatsApp and saw that he was online. _I read your message. Thank you for taking me into your confidence and for sharing a very personal part of your life. I don't think I want to wait until August, I want us to meet sooner. Say 28 July, are you keen?"_

Before he could reply, I tried to rebook Olive Hill but the venue was no longer available. I searched for another place and came across the Dante Deo Guesthouse in Rayton. With fear gnawing at my mind, I booked it. Just for a night.

Early this morning, Ray said he wrote me a letter. A very long, five-paged letter. He also said he'd post it. The postal service was on strike, but I hoped the letter would reach me eventually.

Before the onslaught of work hit me, I called the venue to confirm my booking and asked about their halaal breakfast options. I was pleased that they were willing to accommodate me.

I took a screen grab of the confirmation and sent it to Ray. I was ready to meet him, but I also wanted to meet other people he was close to just to allay my fears. I asked him to bring a friend along. That would give me peace of mind. I was not ready to meet his family. And with my Mum's death still fresh in our memories I didn't have the heart to tell my Dad, or siblings, about him.

With time on my hands I wanted to do something sweet for my wounded Ray, and so I turned on Powerpoint and did a piece of art for him. Trust me when I say I am no artist, but I did try to 'paint my love'.

I downloaded his WhatsApp photo – him on his black Suzuki 250cc motorbike – and placed it on the right. My head and shoulder shot went on the left, separated by a big red heart.

Then I wrote:

Dear Ray,

Love is pure, love is patient and it is kind. Thank you for choosing me. You are stronger than you think. The world awaits you and I know you will conquer it.

Don't look at past failures, forge ahead and know that goodness is waiting to be harvested. You will always have the best of my heart and intentions. I will love you, protect you, and stay by your side through the brightest and darkest days. Every day I ache for you, my sweet precious man. I am still amazed that I met you at a time when I was beginning to lose all hope and faith.

All my love hamesha and forever,

Zee

I don't know why I used the word love. It was too soon, but it felt so right. I prayed for love earlier this year, didn't I? And the universe listened, or so I believed.

This was going to be a very complicated relationship. I never really cared deeply about someone living in another town – let alone a province. It made me sad and I had to tell him how I felt. Not to scare him, but hoping he'd work a bit faster relocating to Johannesburg.

Moving to a new place was part of his plan post rehab. He needed a new start – work, life, love, everything. I really believed he had it all worked out. Just had to keep my fingers crossed that he wouldn't misunderstand me. There had been far too many breaks in communication between us recently.

7

––––––––––––––––––––

Ray

It was bitterly cold this morning. Winter in Bloemfontein was harsh. You'd think one got used to it, but so not true. I grew up here, yet every winter is harsher than the one before.

I went outside and lit a cigarette. That calmed me. I sucked on it, dragged and blew out the smoke. Circles of greyish-white danced in the crisp air. Up, up, and away. I thought about Zee. It was 7:30 a.m. She had to be at work by now. I wrote her a letter last night. I hated writing but she was worth every drop of ink. We haven't met yet, but I just had this comforting feeling about her in my heart.

I sent her a voice note. She said she hated smokers and would never kiss me. That upset me a lot because I enjoyed the intimacy of it. Then she explained that she once smoked a packet a day and kicked the habit eight years now. So, whenever she was around smokers it gave her a headache. She asked me to stop puffing on those cancer sticks. I told her I would. I really meant it.

I gave up a lot in my life. I used to drink alcohol with my friends, but not anymore. Anyway, quitting was going to give me a healthier life. She didn't send me another message that day and I panicked.

Dear Z,

Is there anything I can do to still make your dreams come true? Even if it means I cannot be a part of it in the future. You mean the world to me, and making you happy and fulfilling your dream will give me peace. I will deal with it, it will take time and I am not sure how I'm going to get over you as it is. I love you so deeply and would literally do anything for you.

If this is now it and you want to cut off all forms of communication with me, I cannot stop you even if I wanted to. I cannot force this. Just tell me at least what happens from here on.

If nothing else, let me help you realise your dream. Then at least there's a part of me with the woman I love more than anything else in the world.

Either way – please let's not leave things just where they are at the moment.

Yours forever,

R

Ever since I returned from rehab, most of my friends disappeared from my life. I think one of the reasons was because I no longer drank like a fish, I no longer made a fool of myself.

One of the most terrifying things was getting pulled off at a roadblock and sent to a holding cell. I trembled and regretted my stupid decision to be so drunk. I wasn't alone in that cell though. There was another guy and we chatted. I told him my story and he laughed. He said I'd be released in the morning when I sobered up a bit. That I still had a chance to make amends and improve my life.

As for him, he was a contract killer and someone ratted him out. His life was basically over. Thank heavens that stupid decision to drink didn't earned me a criminal record. That would have marked me for life.

After returning from rehab I tried really hard to rebuild my life. I lost so much but was grateful for the little I had. The only friends who stood by me were Cole and his wife Lesley. They lived two streets away from me.

" _Thank you Zee. I am so glad you are finally coming over. I know how scared you must feel and really appreciate this. I will bring someone along just so you know I am not playing games with you."_ I sent her the WhatsApp and saw two blue ticks appear.

She told me she was still nervous. Then she said that she was terrible with directions and even lost her way with GPS. I reassured her. I said I would find her wherever she was.

Later that evening I went to visit Cole. I told him about Zee. He agreed to meet her. Then he said he'd bring Lesley and their child, Kevin, along. I was relieved. Everything was working out beautifully.

There was just one more thing left for me to do. I needed to tell Anneke because this was really important to me. I sent her a message. _"Hi. Ek het nuus vir jou. Ek will iets met jou bespreek."_

I wasn't expecting an immediate reply. My sister was not good with quick responses and I understood that she had a lot on her hands. I mean, she had a little baby to care for now and being a new mother must be pretty daunting. She also had the house to worry about, and my gran.

My beautiful Mum's mother lived with Anneke and her husband now. After Mum's death, gran lived with my Dad. She suffered a stroke a few years ago and didn't go out at all. When Dad started travelling often for work, gran couldn't live with him anymore. She needed supervision, and my sister opened her heart and home to her. I heard my phone beep. Surprisingly Anneke did respond.

" _Ja. Wat is dit?"_

My choice of words had to be right. This was a big deal for me and I wanted her support. But I was scared too, because Zee was different on so many levels. Established, Indian, older, and married before.

" _Ek het a meisie ontmoet."_

The words just came out. I told her I met a girl. _Zee was a woman though – not a girl_. No further details. I wanted to see how she was going to react before I disclosed more.

" _Dis wonderlik. Kom kuier. Ons sal daaroor gesels. Koffie by my huis vanaand?"_

Anneke didn't want to discuss something like this over the phone, and so I had to brace myself for coffee at her place to lay it all out. I didn't know what I was planning to say but I was going to wing it either way. I told Zee that my sister now knew about her and me. That I'd chat more when I went over to her place.

I didn't get a chance to see Anneke. She called to reschedule because the baby was niggly and she was all alone. We planned to meet the following evening.

In the meantime I went over to Cole's place, because that calmed me a bit. Just to be around people who understood me was nice. Sometimes being at home became overwhelming. I appreciated living with my Dad but it did get a bit claustrophobic at times.

Work too wasn't that great, but at least I had something to do. I worked with Justin and his Dad. They didn't have to give me a job. I guess they realised if I was kept busy then it would help me to feel part of society again. I dunno. It wasn't easy trying to secure employment after spending months in rehab. Nobody wanted to take a chance on you, and there weren't many opportunities in Bloemfontein anyway.

To be honest, I didn't know what I really wanted to do. The only certain thing was that I loved Zee. I didn't know if I would ever be good enough for her, and was so anxious that she would become bored with me. All I could do was trust that God would make a way for us.

Again, I didn't get a chance to meet my sister because new babies needed their mummies. I needed to tell Zee that the meeting didn't take place again. I was worried that she'd be upset I had to cancel for the second time.

Baby, I only spoke to my sister over the phone tonight. We had to postpone again. Meeting for coffee doesn't seem to be working for us. She said I should meet her at their house tomorrow after work. I told her that we are very serious and I need to tell her something big.

She sounded excited but asked that we chat when I am there. She's home alone at the moment and Railey isn't really giving her a gap to talk. She already has a huge liking towards you. She said it takes a special person to do what you did with the gift you sent. I'm very positive about this love.

I love you Z

P.S I've sent this message on WhatsApp as well. I only e-mailed because you said you might deactivate your WhatsApp for a while.

Two weeks after I met Zee I bought her a ring. I was going to ask her to marry me. At the same time I bought a birthday card for Anneke. Her birthday was in two days.

We planned a get-together with family in Clarens that weekend. Family was very important. My sister and her husband left today. I had to spend the night at their house taking care of my gran.

Zee wanted me to send her a photo of my gran, but we never got around to it. One of my cousins returned from an overseas trip and was going to spend the rest of the weekend with gran. I sent Zee a message telling her I was heading out at 9 a.m to meet the rest of my family. I was nervous riding my motorbike from Bloemfontein to Clarens. The road seemed to stretch on forever, but eventually I made it.

It was awesome seeing everyone. My cousin Christiaan and I took a photo together and I sent it to Zee. She replied that I should invite him to join us in a threesome. I laughed. I don't think she was serious but I loved how she said things. She was the most unapologetic woman and I appreciated her carefree lifestyle.

Another thing I loved about her was her generous heart. She never met my sister but bought the baby a gift. I didn't know what she got but I knew that she posted it to Anneke's home address.

Zee and I – we didn't talk much that weekend and I missed her deeply. I greeted her in the morning and in the evening. She didn't seem too pleased with that but I didn't want to be disrespectful in front of my family.

To reassure her of my love I changed my relationship status on Facebook. I wanted everyone to know that I was happy again. The next morning Zee read my message, but didn't respond. I sent another and the same thing happened.

I decided to give it time, and when I didn't hear from her that day I knew something was wrong. I couldn't find her on WhatsApp either.

Good morning Z,

I am going to start off by saying I am not picking a fight or trying to upset you. This is something that does bother me though. I truly hope you understand and can see why it's a concern for me.

I understand that sometimes you are busy, or have reason to log out of WhatsApp, which means I cannot reach you that way. I am okay with that. But, WhatsApp isn't the only form of communication. I have told you before that I am a very understanding person – but this isn't the first time things happened this way where you go quiet and don't really respond to any of my messages, and when you do, it doesn't really say what's going on.

If there is anything that's bothering you and it hasn't got something to do with me, I'll understand if you don't want to talk about it, but at least let me know something. If however, it does have something to do with me, please say something.

I get that you are a strong and independent woman. I admire and respect that, but I feel that if we are going to make this work, like we both said we would, then communication between us is extremely important. I do care deeply about you and what's going on in your life. I am interested to know about your day and feelings, and even the small things. Not hearing from you and knowing that you read my messages hurt me. I am not stressed or depressed now about it. It does bother and worry me though.

Thing is, so many relationships don't make it, or suffer because there isn't enough communication. I don't expect you to keep me updated every second of the day or anything unreasonable like that, but just to go quiet like this would make anyone concerned.

I love you with every part of me and truly hope we can make this happen and work for us, and everyone it touches. I want to make you happy, like you deserve to be, and I want to be the man that you wake up next to every morning. I know that I have to prove myself with my actions and I will, but it's really hard to do if we don't communicate properly.

Maybe this is a case like you had the other day when you said you think your mind is playing tricks on you. Maybe I am seeing this the wrong way, but it really does feel like something isn't quite right and you aren't telling me what the matter is.

I hope this makes sense to you and you understand why I feel this way.

Have a fabulous day my angel,

_All my love_

8

––––––––––––––––––––

Zee

He smoked cigarettes. Damnit. I was not happy to hear that. There was no way I would kiss a mouth coated with nicotine. I politely asked him to quit. He said he would because he didn't want to lose me. He told me he gave up a lot in life and cigarettes would just be another one. I appreciated that.

Ray,

How I wish you updated your relationship with me after our meeting. What if you don't like me or the other way around. Another thing, I would have wanted to inform my late husband's family and not have them read it on Facebook. That was insensitive. You didn't think this through, did you? Anyway, what's done is done.

I fight so hard because I love you. This doesn't make sense, I know. If everything was perfect, our relationship would be mundane. I ache for you, your love and warm sincerity.

You are different from all the men I have met and I feel fragile – but in a good way. I love you madly, I love us and I pray that we are blessed with a child. But I can't do that out of wedlock. It goes against my Islamic principles and my family will disown me. I also don't know how they will react when they hear about us.

You make me feel alive. I miss you like crazy and fell so hard, so quickly. We will never be perfect and I am okay with that. I just want to be uniquely us. I will honour you, encourage you and help you realise your dream of enriching poor minds. If you allow me, I will wear your name with pride. These words may not mean much right now, but my heart is sincere.

With everything I am and everything I have, I love you Rob Ray.

Please forgive my weaknesses and help me find strength in all that I share. I love you today and forever.

Zee

I shopped for the new baby. So many pretty pink things, but what I really wanted was a little cutesy ballerina tutu, with matching leggings and a fancy headband.

It was also in the thick of winter and the baby range was all fluffy and woollen, and towelling. I settled on a gown, leggings, and a fleece hat.

Wrapping everything was an adventure. I found a round box and put everything inside. Then I wrote Anneke a letter explaining who I was. I couldn't find a pen and used a pencil instead. I slipped that into an envelop and placed it on top of the clothes. Then I found some ribbon, tied it into a bow and pinned it onto the box.

Once that was done, I walked over to POSTNET and asked them to deliver it to the door. Initially, I was planning to hand it over to Ray when we met. That would have saved me the R185.00 for postage. But things could go awry between us. Sending it to the house was a safer option.

1 a.m on 15th July, the day of Anneke's birthday, I typed a happy birthday message and sent it to Ray. I asked him to pass it on to his sister.

He told me he did. I believed him then, but now I don't think that happened. He told little white lies sometimes. I picked up on it, but didn't say anything.

" _Zee, I am missing you. I told my cousin Christiaan about you."_

He told me he wanted me to see that he was ready for us, that he wanted me to be a part of his life.

" _Aah, the guy in the photo you sent me. He looks very handsome. Maybe you can invite him to join us in a threesome."_

Ray laughed. Then he told me that would never happen. Christiaan lived in Bethlehem. He was happily married apparently and had a little son. Then he told me he wouldn't approve because he would never share me with anyone. He was territorial like that. I liked that. I loved that a man had eyes only for me. There was just something beautiful about it. And I was possessive about my man too, so I guess we matched out perfectly.

That was the longest weekend yet. I missed the regular messages from him. To make time go by faster I went to gym. I needed to shape up because I felt a bit insecure when I saw photos of Ray. He looked perfect; I couldn't see an ounce of fat anywhere on him. How was I going to compete with that?

Later that evening he sent me a message to say he reached home safe and was getting ready for bed. I rolled my eyes; I was upset. First, he ignored me for most of the weekend, and then he was preparing to catch up on his beauty sleep.

" _Goodnight then."_

I switched over to Facebook and chatted with whoever was available online. He responded.

" _You sound upset. Is everything okay?"_

I was not really in the mood to chat to him but punched out a message quick.

" _Well, you ignored me for most of the weekend. Took your sweet time to reply to my messages, and now that you're back you think I want to chat with you. Just go away."_

Okay, that was harsh but I never deliberately ignored people I cared about. Especially when the relationship was new. People said they were busy and barely had time to respond. I believed differently. You were never too busy, and if you cared then you'd make the time. That was how I was. Maybe that was a weakness of mine. Always being there for people and never getting the same in return.

" _That's not fair, Zee. I couldn't be on my phone all the time. That would have been rude with my family around. And I did respond to you. The only times I couldn't was when I was on my motorbike or doing things with my family."_

I didn't see the need to reply. I logged off and went to bed. The next day I didn't chat to him because I had monthly reports to file. Ray had to be put at the back of my mind.

He sent me an email and I felt terrible. He was worried that I was upset about something. There wasn't much time but I responded quickly.

My precious love,

Whenever I doubt you, I read your messages and the emails you sent me. That reassures me in the most profound way that God saved you for me.

Love is a word that rolls off so easily from the tip of the tongue. But what I feel for you is so much more than that. You are the missing piece in the puzzle of my life. What I feel for you exceeds infinity and beyond.

I will fight for us. I will try my best to be your ideal woman and pray that God keeps me healthy long enough to birth you a child. We will raise our baby with faith, love and hope. She, or he, will be our symbol of unity...and will respect both our cultures and family.

We are far from perfect and from this day forward I vow to be faithful to you, to embrace you completely and love your weaknesses and strengths.

I have searched so hard for sincerity and simplicity. I have found everything in you.

Thank you for talking to Anneke about me. When we are married she will not just be my sister-in-law, but my confidante and best friend too. We will love Railey as our own and always be there for her. You don't talk much about your Dad, but he will be my Dad for all times.

You have completed my joy. Let us continue to pray that we make a success of our bond.

I love you Rob Ray, and I cannot wait to take the blessings from our families and friends.

Zee

A week before I was ready to leave for Bloemfontein, blankets of fear came back. My luggage was all packed. I even packed my own jar of rich coffee.

I thought if I hated the place then at least I'd have something to sip on – a thing to calm me, something I really enjoyed. But I didn't know anymore. I told him that I wasn't coming after all. He begged me to reconsider because he bought me something.

" _Why did you do that? Please return it."_

I wish he hadn't bought me anything, because that was going to put me under pressure to get him something as well. To be honest this trip was not even in my budget. Ray was not part of my 2018 plan. He just happened.

" _There's no way they will take it back. I had it engraved."_

Damnit. I wished people would stop doing things that made me feel guilty. Guess what I did? I bought him a little something too. Not little really, I don't do little – I always go big. I got something that harmonised a man who rode a motorbike – a fancy, schmancy, branded watch and a wallet to match.

I had an argument with Ray that morning. I can't remember what it was about. Things were getting emotionally heavy but I blamed it on the distance between us.

Maybe it was also because my trip to Bloemfontein was creeping up faster than I expected. An hour later I composed myself and sent him a few messages. None were delivered. He didn't answer his phone. I messaged him on Facebook, but nothing. Where could he be? I panicked.

I went through his Facebook friends and found his uncle, Rob. I knew it was invasive but I needed to know what was going on.

Rob managed a boutique hotel in Cape Town. I called the hotel and asked to speak to him. He was not available and the receptionist said she could not give out his cellphone number. I emailed Rob instead and asked for his help. That made me feel ashamed. I didn't know Rob and here I felt like I was at his mercy.

That evening I was invited to Kumaren Naidu's premier screening of his movie, _Broken Promises 4._ It felt like I was in the middle of a tug-o-war battle. My heart wanted me to find Ray and see that he was okay, my head wanted me to go and support my friend.

There was also no reply from Rob. I decided to put it out of my mind and just go have fun with people. I wore a green organza sarie and gold-heeled shoes, even had my hair styled. And just when I was about to leave, Ray sent me a message to say his phone battery died. I wanted to cry; I was relieved – so bloody relieved. All that stress for nothing. I didn't know at the time what I was getting myself into.

That night was amazing. I met Kumaren's family and some very good-looking guys. We laughed, took photos, and had a ball. My heart was light and free. I had nothing to hide and posted the photos on Facebook. Ray liked each one. He didn't comment though.

During the movie, one of the guests sitting on my left poured some champagne in my cooldrink. I told him I did not indulge in such things. He joked that it wouldn't kill me. I smiled but refused. I was very impressed when he went out to get me a fresh drink.

It was dark in that cinema and the sound was pretty loud. So while he tried to make conversation, I could barely hear a thing. He whispered in my ear and I just nodded. But, I have to admit that I had no idea what he said.

The movie ended at 11 p.m that evening. There was a chill in the air as I made my way to my car. Ray sent me a message asking if I was okay. That's when I called him and we chatted about the day. He apologised for stressing me out when I couldn't reach him earlier. I told him I sent his uncle an email out of desperation but he said it was fine. He didn't mind that I made contact with a relative whom he admired and respected.

The next morning, I switched on my laptop and checked my emails. He responded and my breath caught in my chest. I was nervous, expecting a tongue-lashing from the uncle of the man who was slowly, silently, wounding my heart.

Hi Zee,

Ray is as far as I know finishing off with his rehab program. I couldn't help noticing on Facebook that you are in a relationship with him?

Did you speak to him recently? My number is 072******* should you want to talk. He is my favourite nephew and extremely dear to me. Please, whatever this is about Zee, know that like everybody this family has gone through tremendous hurt, and this boy is like my own. I would kill for him. Should my brother not be there one day, I will most certainly be there for Ray.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Rob

I was satisfied that I had finally found someone who understood me. Rob never judged me, he never belittled me. His words reassured me that Ray was not a bad guy after all. That made me feel light. I hit reply and poured my heart out.

Dear Rob,

Your words bring tears to my eyes. Thank you for loving him. He completed rehab a while ago and changed his number to start afresh. I didn't know him at the time. It stresses me out when I can't reach him. I guess we are all broken, wandering souls, and I love him dearly.

Yes, we did eventually chat and I was relieved.

I must admit, I felt really desperate and didn't know who to contact. And it is not cool when you have 200 staff around you and all you can do is cry.

Yikes, yesterday was horrible. I found you as his Facebook friend and called the hotel, but they wouldn't give me your number. His new number is 063*******. He mentioned that you're a cool guy...wink...wink...but he hadn't spoken to you in a while.

Our relationship is fairly new, and a bit scary because I am Muslim. He is relocating to Johannesburg next month and I am going to see him in Bloemfontein this weekend. It does feel like he is carrying a lot of hurt in his heart and I hope to help heal his wounds. He told me yesterday he has very few family who love him, and that made me sad.

Thank you for replying. I was a bit nervous that you'd think I am some weird chick.

My number is 073*******

Zee

9

––––––––––––––––––––

Ray

I finally got the chance to see Anneke and tell her about Zee. Justin was there too. I carefully chose what they needed to know and decided not to tell them everything. That would have been too much. Too much, too soon.

I told them I liked Zee, but was nervous because she lived so far from me. Then I showed them a photo of my ladybug. Our choice to start a family was kept on the back burner. It didn't feel right telling them about it that evening. I mean Anneke met Justin ten years ago. They dated for five, were married for another five. Anneke only gave birth to Railey a month ago.

My sister said she went through Zee's Facebook profile and saw that she was quite established in her field. She also figured that Zee was older than me. She was eager to hear more about this woman who made me find my smile again.

The baby's gift was delivered to the house and Anneke seemed happy. She told me she was going to send Zee a thank you message. Then we sat down to have coffee and a chat.

" _Is she Indian?"_

Zee told me that her mother was Coloured and father Indian. But I didn't want to go into that and nodded that she was Indian. I had plans to go start something with my friend, Jake, in Johannesburg. I met him while at rehab, and he lived in Meyerton. That was much closer to Zee than Bloemfontein.

Jake had a gambling addiction. When he realised he was spiralling out of control, he left his partner and their infant child and booked himself into rehab.

It was tough being there. You were only allowed one, ten minute call a month, to a family member. Jake could only speak to his parents and not his partner – they were not married. So it was tough for him. Then his parents gave him the devastating news that his partner became involved with someone else. I expected him to regress, but he was stronger than I believed. He was doing much better now.

My sister and I spoke a lot that evening. I was relieved that she accepted everything I told her. At 8:15 p.m, I sent Zee a WhatsApp telling her I was leaving for home and would let her know once I got in.

She told me she was lying in bed thinking about me, praying that all went well with my sister. Then she sent me a kissing emoji. Damn, I loved her so hard and couldn't wait to be with her forever.

I reached home at 8:45 p.m and dropped her a message.

" _Glad you are home safe, Baby. Thanks for letting me know."_ Zee was completing my joy and didn't even realise it. _"I love you, Zee. Everything went well with my sister. I will tell you all about it later."_

I took a shower. Zee told me she doesn't do baths so I decided to follow her example and started taking showers instead. Then I got into bed, but couldn't wait to tell her how my meeting with Anneke went. I made a video because I thought I could express myself better that way.

Hey, Babe.

Just thought I'd send you this to say goodnight. Thank you for not giving up on us. I promised I wouldn't, I meant it. I really love you lots, and regarding my sister I told you that she will never throw me away, cast me aside or anything of the sort. It actually went well. I will tell you all about it in an e-mail or WhatsApp.

Typing gets to me a bit sometimes, but please relax and try to eat something. I love you, I wanna make this work. I wanna be your husband, I want you to be my wife and have a baby together. I want to give you a full family. I want to be a part of that. And I will do anything in my power to make you happy.

I thought I'd be able to say what I feel easier...I just suck with words, I hate it. Anyway, I love you. Goodnight, sleep well, and I am really looking forward to seeing you this weekend. I love you.

Kisses.

Bye.

I sent the video but she must have been asleep. The message wasn't delivered.

Zee made contact with uncle Rob and gave him my number. He called me today. We chatted briefly. He said he would call me later this evening when he had more free time. I lost contact with him when I went to rehab and didn't let him know that I was back. A big part of me felt like a failure and I was afraid of reconnecting with people again. He was one of them. But he was the coolest man and I am so glad she linked us again.

That is another reason I loved her – she built bridges between people instead of breaking them down. I told him about Zee, that she was visiting me on the weekend. It felt good to talk about her to my favourite uncle.

" _Hey Zee, I spoke to my uncle. Thank you for putting him in touch with me. One day we will go visit him in Cape Town."_

Throughout my life I have lost so much. I was a twin but my 'brother' didn't make it. Feels strange calling him my brother because I never met him, but that's what he would've been to me. I was very ill and had to fight hard to survive.

I am not sure if I understood this correctly, but Mum told me some amniotic fluid entered my lungs and I had subtle breathing problems ever since. Mum was my world. Dad was awesome too, but Mum got me. She knew how to calm me down when I felt anxious. We were very close.

Then she was snatched away from my life, along with my sister. The first girl I loved in high school cheated on me with my best friend. I was in my final year of school and planned to take her out on a romantic date. I paid for everything, and then she dropped me.

Years later, I asked another one to marry me after courting her for three years. She was Greek Orthodox. At first she said yes, and then one day she told me she couldn't do it anymore, because she was afraid of a lifelong commitment. I would like to believe that was the only reason and not because she found someone else.

Now that girl, she was very possessive. I enjoyed playing golf but she never wanted me to go to the driving range alone. There were times when I lied to her just to go hit a few rounds on the greens. I never cheated or anything like that, so I didn't feel bad about sneaking off.

Right now I am so scared, but happy too. I really believed this was my time for all the emptiness to be filled. For all my pain to be healed, for my broken pieces to be fixed with all the love I felt coming from Zee.

" _I am really glad, Ray. You say not many people love you, but you are so wrong. Your uncle speaks very highly of you. He said as much in his email. Count your blessings, my Baby."_

Two more days and I was going to finally meet my Zee. She even commented on our relationship status on Facebook.

" _Ray, you are making this shy girl blush. After this weekend, Bloemfontein will never be the same again. I will take a big part of it with me and leave my love behind."_

I wasn't expecting her to comment but I was so pleased that she did. Now all my friends could see that she was not just a figment of my imagination.

" _I am so excited about the weekend. Simply cannot wait. I love you."_

I know how scared she was to come here. Even with Cole coming along, I know her mind was not at ease. But, it meant so much that she was putting her fears aside to meet me.

Just looking at her photos and her Facebook profile made me feel like I was dreaming. I don't know how I got so blessed to find someone like her in my life.

10

––––––––––––––––––––

Zee

Out of respect for my late husband's family, I decided to send them an email to explain that I met a man. I didn't have to do it, but I was married to Mikhail for twelve years. That was a long time.

Even though death removed some people from our lives, the relationships that remained should be nurtured.

Hi Carol and Paul, Sandy and Geoff,

I feel so nervous sending this to you. Sandy, I wanted to come home and break the news to you and Geoff, but there just isn't enough time in the day.

Carol, England is not on my travel schedule yet but this cannot wait.

It has been a little over six years that my beautiful husband and your brother, Niall, left my world. On that day in April, a part of me died as well. It was a long, lonely road and Sandy and Geoff never left my side. Yes, our relationship was never smooth but his death brought me closer to you all. Today, I am everything because of him. I have accomplished so much and I still have so many dreams to conquer. I am so glad I am not typing this on paper because I cannot stop crying. I know Niall is guiding my hand as I say this.

Carol, Paul, Sandy and Geoff...I will love you guys forever. After a long time, I decided to give love a chance and met someone. I have copied him in on this email. This is daunting and new for me. I haven't told my family yet because it is too soon after Mum's death.

Please pray for Ray (yes, yes he is Afrikaans) and I; he will never replace Niall but I know he is good for me. Good lord I want to hug you all so tight right now, because this is both happy and sad. And I want to cry too because my chapter with Niall has ended.

Sandy, please share this with your girls...but most of all, please know that nothing changes between us.

You are still my family. One day, I hope you will meet Ray and understand why I chose him to be a part of our lives.

I love, love, love you always and forever.

Zee

Ray sent me a voice note to say he read the email. He was travelling to some place called Bulfontein to collect his new identity document. The original one was snatched, together with his wallet, when he was robbed somewhere in his hometown. I told him I was too distraught to chat because it felt like I had closed off a part of my heart. He told me he understood and would be there for me.

I received a reply from Carol.

Zee, that is wonderful news and we are so happy for you. You will always be family and we wish you all nothing but happiness.

England will always be here and hopefully so will we for many years to come.

Please get on and live your life to the fullest extent, with happiness. The past is the past and the future is yours to write. Do send us lots of photos of the two of you and welcome him to the extended family.

With love and best wishes,

Carol and Paul xx

Sandy also sent me a message.

Hi Zee

You have been alone for a long time since my brother passed away. It is only natural that you should want to move forward with your life. I hope you will be very happy.

I pray that this journey of your life will be a long and happy one.

Love to all

Sandy

I reached home at 5 p.m and told Ray my friends planned to take me out to celebrate my last day as a single woman. He asked what they had in mind and I said I was not sure.

I don't mind them taking you to a gentleman's club for fun and giggles, but if you had to have a fling with someone from there I'd be very upset.

I didn't take too kindly to that message. _Who did he think I was?_ Following that bitter comment, I chose to take a long, hot shower. That was soothing to my aching mind and soul.

I went to bed early that night but there wasn't much sleep. I tossed, then I turned. I rolled over and looked at the clock several times. I just wanted that weekend to be over.

What did you get yourself into woman? He could be a serial killer. Haven't you heard about men behind masks, the ones who lure women to their deaths?

I chose to ignore the voices in my head because I wanted love. I wanted a partner, I wanted to be with someone. I had been on my own for so long and I needed that to change.

There was just a few hours left before I headed to Bloemfontein. There was much going on in my head. Once I met Ray, everything had to change. There would be no more flirting, or chatting privately with other guys.

There was never a shortage of men in my life because I had a friendly nature. But, this time was going to be different. I wouldn't have been too happy if Ray flirted with women, so I had to change as well. We both promised to be faithful and loyal to each other if things worked out.

At 2 a.m I left my bed, and paced up and down the kitchen. I was not hungry, just trembling with a fear I couldn't understand.

What if the town was too wit-gevaar? What if I got myself into difficulty? Who'd come out to save me?

Many people warned me against going to meet this strange young man, in a strange town a few hundreds of kilometres away. They warned me I was making a big mistake, that I didn't know him from a bar of soap. They said meeting someone on social media was a risk. They said and said and said.

I ignored them because I really wanted this to be real for me. One of the things they said was that if a man was really keen on me, he would have made a plan to come meet me in Johannesburg. They told me he reminded them of men who expected women to pick up the bill in restaurants.

I know those types; I swiped my card many times after meals over the years. I never learnt my lesson, they said. I refused to listen to them. They didn't know him the way I did. He was nothing like those men and I knew them all.

I had my hair done three days before my trip. I wanted soft curls. Easy to manage hair. Jo styled my hair beautifully. I liked chatting to her because she was always objective. She listened to me wax about my excitement, but said she sensed doubt in me as well. I brushed it off. After my hair was all sheen and clean, I blew her a kiss and left.

My phone buzzed as I got into my car. It was Jo. I thought she just wanted to wish me good luck for the weekend.

" _Zee, all of us at the salon are worried about you and we don't think you should go meet this guy."_

I asked her if she was referring to Ray and the trip to Bloemfontein. Another message beeped through.

" _Where did you meet this guy?"_

Social media. That is where I connected with him. Not something I wanted to share with my grandchildren one day, but that was where Ray and I met. Jo told me she just felt uneasy about everything.

How I wish I listened to her!

Ray awoke at 4-ish every morning to get ready for work. In the beginning I asked what work he did and all I remembered were the words fresh produce. Because I worked for the Johannesburg council and we had an entity that focused on fresh produce, I assumed he was in the same line of business. Now working for council was a sense of stability. I never needed a man to support me in any way, so digging a little deeper didn't cross my mind.

I just needed someone to complete me, to be the sea to my shore. I thought I made that clear to him. He told me he'd never leave me, he'd never dream of hurting me because I was too precious. I believed him.

" _Hi, I didn't sleep much last night. I will be leaving home in a short while. I know we discussed this but I need to ask again. Are you sure about this?"_

He responded immediately and said he couldn't wait to meet me. I honestly didn't feel the same way. I was literally trembling with fear.

Why should I be the one to go visit a man who wanted to know if I could be the woman for him? Shouldn't it have been the other way round?

I hated driving and told him that many times. He told me he'd do all the driving once we lived together. Then he told me he enjoyed driving the distance during his days as a sales rep. He did that for eight years.

With much reluctance I forced myself to shower and change. I checked my luggage and then checked it again. I placed a wad of cash in the cup holder between the seats.

I didn't know how much I would need for the tollgates and fuel, and whatever else. And with the Free State, what if I needed to pay a bribe or something to get out of danger?

All these thoughts were swimming in my head so early, even before I had my coffee. I am not a morning person; I am much worse before coffee.

I switched on my GPS at Gordon Road. I saw that I had to travel more than 390 kilometres and decided to take it easy. I didn't want to stop for a body break and just needed to get this over and done with.

The first stretch of road was familiar. I travelled that route on my to Durban, but then the road forked and I had to keep to the right. It was still early and there weren't many cars on the road yet.

I prayed while driving. I prayed that my journey would be safe and without incident. The weather was cool, there were animals grazing in the fields. Some people were waiting on the roadsides for their transport to wherever it is they were going. I wondered what they were thinking, what work they did and if any of them had been to Bloemfontein.

My phone was resting on the dashboard. Google maps was switched on and I saw that I had more than 200 kilometres to travel before the 'lady voice' told me where to go. I thought about stopping at a service station to grab a bite to eat, but I also wanted to reach Rayton as soon as possible.

To be honest, I think I needed to meet this Ray and just see if my journey and efforts were worth it. There were a few trucks on the road but nothing too bad. I had an easy road until I saw the construction site warnings. There wasn't much I could do except calm down and drive on the as yet untarred, dusty road for a very long time.

Taking in the sights, my mind was calm. Shacks had mushroomed on either side of the road and smoke was billowing out of the chimneys. There were children sipping something from enamel cups, while some folk stood outside chatting and washing clothes. There was linen flapping on the wire washing lines too.

Everything was falling together perfectly and it was only a matter of an hour, or so, before I'd meet this strange man. I kept to the speed limit but got pulled off the road by a lady traffic officer. She had a kindly face. She looked around the car and made notes. Then she came up to me and smiled.

" _Good morning. Can I see your driver's licence?_ "

I told her I needed to get it out the boot. It was in my handbag. After my smash and grab incident in 2015, I never kept valuables next to me. Then I remembered that I kicked my heels off when I got in the car and couldn't remember if it was against the law to drive barefooted. I gave her my licence and got back into my seat.

" _Why are you driving without glasses?_ "

Thank heavens I had them in the cup-holder next to me. I told her I just took it off for a bit because I had a headache. That was a half-truth. I did feel a throb in my head but I could also see clearly when I drove during the day. She waved me off and wished me well in the Free State.

As the road rolled out like a tarred carpet in front of me, I started seeing oldish things. Nowadays one never sees donkey-drawn carts, cars in a not so tiptop condition moving at a snail's pace, or roadside stalls. I knew I was close because everything was different. Some things were pretty, some were d-i-f-f-e-r-e-n-t.

It took me a further one hour to get to Rayton. The guesthouse wasn't clearly marked and I drove up the road, then down again. All the houses looked like mansions, just like the ones on the hill in Northcliff. I panicked and decided to call the venue, but couldn't find their number for some reason.

Calm down girl. You came this far. It's gonna be okay.

I wanted to call Ray, but I also didn't want him to think I was not capable of doing things on my own. Talk about a fiercely independent woman.

I looked at the image of the guesthouse on the website and finally arrived at the big black metal gate. There was no intercom, or buzzer, at the entrance.

Only in Bloemfontein, I tell you.

The gods must have seen my fear. The gates opened and I drove in. The manager directed me to a parking bay. I apologised for being early. She seemed pleasant and said it was no problem. Then she offered me breakfast while I waited for my room. There was coffee, juice, scrambled eggs, grilled mushrooms, baked fish and toast. Not quite the halaal meal I expected, but I needed to eat because I felt faint.

" _Ray, I'm here. I have a splitting headache and not in a good mood. What time can you be here? I don't think I am spending the night."_

He said it would take about 15 to 20 minutes from his place. Everything was very close in Bloemfontein, apparently. He also asked me to reconsider my stay and give us a chance. We needed to spend time together to see if we connected, he said.

I wasn't interested. A man who professed love as much as he did would never have put me through that long, boring drive. I switched my phone off and took out my laptop to work on whatever needed to be worked on. In other words, I really didn't know what to do with myself.

I heard other guests chatting outside. They spoke Afrikaans. There were children laughing somewhere as well. I just couldn't see them through the white laced curtains.

The air conditioner in the room failed to cool me down. The sun was rather generous on that morning and the weather was beautiful. My room was a decent size. There was the twin bed, heater, refrigerator, cheap coffee... thank the pope I brought my own... extra bedding and an en-suite. I carried my own towels because I didn't know what to expect. I was in front of a sparkling pool and the manicured garden looked inviting. Then I heard a familiar voice.

" _Hi. Is Zee here?"_

That was him. He arrived earlier than I expected. My tummy tightened, I felt nauseous. I wasn't ready but there was no turning back. I met him at the door.

He was a step below me and looked short-ish. My heart sank. I was expecting someone taller than me, cool like other motor-bikers I've seen. Ray was skinny. Too skinny, to be honest.

What a disappointment.

There was no attraction – not even a fatal one. Quite the opposite of my expectations. I hugged him though and invited him inside. Nothing about him excited me but I couldn't tell him, could I?

" _So glad to finally meet you. How was your trip?"_

He was chewing gum, I hated that. If there was confidence, I never saw it. To be honest, I got the impression that he was intimidated by me. I had a loud and large presence. Just the way I was. In my mind I wondered how I was going to make something like this work. I have standards, very high standards, and he barely reached first base.

My friends were right. I should have listened to them. Now everyone is going to make fun of me.

We shuffled around uncomfortably. I was worried that my ruby-red lipstick was smeared on my front teeth because he kept looking at me. At one point I ran into the bathroom to look for tissues. There were none.

I grabbed sheets of toilet paper, stood in front of the full-length mirror in the room and wiped off the smudges on my teeth. I was moving around the room like I had ants in my pants, he just sat there – quietly, and that was new to me. Then we heard voices outside. Someone asked for me by name. Now the only people who knew about my visit there were Ray's friends. It had to be them. I was so glad they arrived. I think he was too.

Ray introduced us. Cole was carrying his son and simply shook my hand. He was warm and friendly. The child refused to come to me, nor did he want to give me a high five.

I tried to break the ice and hugged Lesley. That felt awkward because she was a stranger to me still. To be honest, I didn't know what to do. Once the formalities were over, we went into the room and chatted about sweet nothings. The little one started getting niggly. Cole took him out to play on the jungle gym. Then Lesley took over. I admired how they shared their time with their only child.

One of the funniest things was when Cole asked me if I was half Hindi, half Muslim. All Muslim, I told him. The only difference was I didn't dress in a conservative way.

Clearly these people don't know much about the world outside.

Then he told me he was originally from Centurion. One day he got into his car and drove to Bloemfontein. When he reached it he decided to make that his home. He did several odd jobs – barman was one of them, a graphic designer was another. He poured drinks for Lesley a few times but didn't know then that she would one day become his wife.

He lived on a smallholding and said I should visit. He asked if I could ride horses, oh and he had pigs too. _Pigs?_ I wanted to die. A Muslim never associated with that animal.

I didn't get upset because I knew he meant well. I really liked Cole, we got on like a house on fire. As for Lesley, I'm not sure how I felt about her at the time. She tried to speak English with me, but struggled. There was a gentleness about her though. Some may say that I was practicing double-standards and each to their own.

Yes, they'd wonder how could a Muslim woman travel all that way to meet a non-Muslim man, consider spending a night in a strange place and then talk about Islam and a dislike for pigs. Well, I am me. I never said I was perfect but I know what I wanted out of life. I prayed too, but my prayers and conversations with my God were clearly different to the norm.

Now one thing I learned in life is that we never talk negatively. The law of attraction taught us that if we want to invite something into our lives then we must speak positively. I was put off listening to Lesley talk about how little money people earned in Bloemfontein. Such talk made me uneasy, uncomfortable. Those were not things you told a person visiting your city for the first time.

_Always think abundance, believe abundance._ _Live abundantly._

The sun was a bit harsh outside so they brought the child into the room. It was too crowded for four adults and a little one. They gave him some custard and he settled in the corner. Guess that was the coolest place at the time.

Then I heard Cole and Lesley say that Rayton was an upmarket area. How was I supposed to know that? When I booked the venue I just chose what appealed to me. They also guessed which car belonged to me and got it right.

Apparently people in Johannesburg lived the good life. Utter hogwash. Maybe we just lived according to our means and turned our dreams into reality. While that conversation was carrying on, Ray sat quietly on the edge of the bed. I glanced at him several times but he never made eye contact. I realised then that he was different, not on my level but that didn't really matter. He had a good heart. He still does.

The little child told his parents that he wanted to swim. Cole tried to dissuade him and mentioned that the water was icy, but the little blond-haired boy was having none of that. Then Cole said there'd be no change of clothes for him. I could have punched my fist in the wall when Lesley said she carried extra clothes.

When you have a little child you just have to be prepared, she said.

The water was freezing, but the little boy jumped in and stood rooted to one spot. From where I was seated, I could hear him screech. He splished and splashed while Cole watched over him.

Lesley, Ray, and myself were in the room. Then it grew quiet and we turned to our cellphones for comfort. If I was agile I would have done cartwheels when she remembered that she had to meet her friend, who was taking her out for a glass of wine. A late birthday treat.

I enjoyed meeting them but needed them to leave. Too much time with strangers just made me claustrophobic. I knew Ray a bit more through our chats and _whatnots_. Then she went outside to tell Cole that they should be on their way.

While the friends admired the view outside, I told Ray that I didn't think we were compatible. I didn't want to ply him with falsehood. "You're a great guy and I really like you, but I just can't promise you anything. I'd rather be honest with you than lie and lead you on." I felt terrible, like I stuck a blunt knife in his heart.

His shoulders dropped, his small frame grew smaller with those words. "That's okay. At least I got the chance to meet you. You are everything and more. And yes, we don't always get what we want and I respect your honesty."

I asked him about his relocation to Johannesburg and he curtly said he may move to Cape Town instead. I knew then that he didn't have a plan mapped out if he could just change his mind so easily.

He stopped talking when the footsteps got louder. His friends were back, with their very active four-year old tagging behind. Being the giver of things, I bought the little one a swing bat set and a rugby ball. I expected him to squeal with delight. Nothing. He just stared through empty eyes after ripping the paper off. He didn't seem too pleased. Later I found out that he preferred zombie games. My heart sank.

I expected Ray's friends to stay for a short while – not more than 30 minutes – and then leave. But, it was close to two hours that they were with us. Finally, they said goodbye and we walked them out.

Cole suggested I visit them at home, or we could take a tour of their town. I politely declined and said I was going to spend some time with Ray, and then see how the rest of the day unfolded. I felt I needed to say something to lift his spirits up. They didn't need to know that he didn't appeal to me as much as I thought he would. It was not their business anyway. We hugged and parted ways. I'm glad I met Cole. He had beautiful greenish eyes, and the warmest smile yet.

He asked Ray how he got a beautiful girl like me to travel all the way to Bloemfontein to meet him. I still ask myself that question, but I guess I'd do it all over again because I cared deeply for the man who promised to love and honour me for all the days of his life. But renowned guru Jay Shetty was known to say that one must never make a promise when one was happy, or, make a decision when one was sad.

"I have this urge to kiss you." After telling him that we were not compatible, he still wanted to be close to me. I guess in a way I wanted to kiss him too. And we did.

It was magic. He had those lips that you wanted sealed against your own. My lipstick smudging was the last thing on my mind. I felt butterflies in my stomach. It had been such a long time since a man made me feel those things.

While we were smashing our lips together my phone beeped. I broke away to see who it was. That was one rudeness I had to work on. Attending to calls and messages during an important, intimate moment.

My friend Zoleka sent me a text to see how I was doing. She was terrified that I was going to stick out like a sore thumb in the town. "Are you okay? How is it going? Have you met him yet?"

"My heart is sore, Zo. He looks like his photos and is very kind. But... but he is short and smallish."

She replied with a LOLLLLLL!

I acknowledged her. Then she said that she warned me not to visit him. She said Johannesburg had a variety of potential partners and I left them all to go to Bloemfontein for a stranger. I switched my phone off and placed it on the pedestal next to the bed.

Ray and I, we chatted about past hurts and future dreams. I cried without shame. He didn't wipe my sadness away, nor did he tell me to hush my tears. I appreciated that. It felt good to let it all out – finally.

I told him how men cheated on me. Every. Single. One. Of. Them. How much I loved the idea of love, but was so scared of getting my bruised heart broken again. He held my hand, then he told me he was sorry for all the pain I went through. That he was sorry that he wasn't there to comfort me. I believed him. He seemed sincere. Finally I'd met a man who understood me.

It was my niece's birthday on that day too. She turned 15. I sent her a message. I told her about Ray and she asked to see a photo. Now, Leila, pulled no punches. She told me he looked okay-ish, but didn't trust that he really wanted to marry me and settle down. I laughed it off, telling her she was crazy. She said I should put him through a test, to suss him out. That child, I just don't know sometimes. But come to think about it, she was so similar to me.

I decided to remain in Bloemfontein and leave the next day. In truth I had no intention of leaving on that day at all. There was no way I was driving back that never-ending route. It would have been sheer torture. I only said that just in case I needed to bail out of the situation.

I had doubts about giving him the gift. But it sat on the wooden table, wrapped in red paper, and screamed to be opened. There were no fireworks between us, but I decided to be the better person and give him what I got, only for him. He was pleased. I don't think he expected something as cool as that. And judging by the way he reacted, I don't think he'd received such a gift from any girlfriend, anyone for that matter, before me.

Another thing I gave him was a postcard sized photo of me in a red dress. I wanted him to look at my photo on those days when we were not together.

We were sitting on the armchairs when he leaned to his side and took out a black silk drawstring pouch from his pocket. From there, he removed something shiny. He told me he didn't have the original box. It was a ring, a silver infinity ring with cubic zirconias _. I liked diamonds and tanzanites, but a gift is a gift, I reminded myself._ He told me whatever happened, whether we made it or not, I would be his forever love.

The ring was not engraved. A few weeks ago I thought he said he bought me something and had it engraved - and that was why he couldn't return it. Now when I think about it, he probably only said that to get me to visit.

He slipped the ring onto my third finger, left hand. He didn't go down on one knee, nor did he ask me to marry him. I always dreamed of a magical, blow the wind out of my sails type of proposal – the ones fairytales are made of, the ones we saw in the movies and left us mouthing 'aw'. I got nothing of the sort. I was disappointed, but in a way I guess the universe saved me from something I would, and could, have regretted. There were plans to get me flowers and chocolates, he said, but it never happened.

Ray stayed late. Well, I asked him to stay as long as he could because I didn't want to be alone. The television was switched on and pictures moved on the screen, but neither of us were really interested in watching anything.

Then I saw it, his fingernails. They looked weird, ugly weird. I told him he was clipping his nails incorrectly. Then I demonstrated how it should be done. Things I picked up from a beauty therapy course I did years before.

"I bite my nails when I am nervous. I'll try to get that bitter stuff that I used once to stop me from doing it."

The nervous condition was called onychophagy – an oral compulsive habit. Manicures were not part of my personal grooming, but my nails looked decent. How on Earth could I go out with him if his nails looked like that!

Anyway, I was exhausted after the long drive but sleep didn't come easy. The bed was comfortable but it was not MY bed. I lay on my back staring at the ceiling.

What if the fan falls on me in the middle of the night?

Just then it got a bit noisy outside. Someone was having a party, maybe it was just drinks. I loved their music. It was from the 80s. Then they started chatting in an African language and that gave me comfort. Finally, I was not the only person of colour there. Whoever they were, they stayed until 10 p.m that night.

It became a bit chilly in that room. I started coughing, and once that happened it didn't stop. Ray switched on the heater but the cold was still there. He covered me with an extra blanket – but that made no difference. I rolled onto my side thinking I'd be able to sleep. That too didn't worked.

Then I felt his hand slide across my waist and he pulled me close to him. We kissed – again. He held me close to him. It was beautiful and gentle. He made me feel all the feels. Nothing was rushed.

Everything was about us that day. Being with him was give and take. I heard it in his voice and saw it in his eyes. A few times he fixed his gaze on me and asked if I was okay. The cold disappeared and then I was too hot. I couldn't breathe.

That night was weird, strange because I couldn't relax. Sometime during the night I dozed off. He watched me sleep – I saw it a few times during the night. I felt him stroking my hair and running his hand up and down my arm. He piled the blankets on me when I said it was cold.

I gave him my heart, he gave me whatever he had. He cared. It seemed that way at the time. Now, I don't know anymore. He wasn't my ideal, but we don't always get what we desired. With modern living it was rare to find real love – or anything close.

Long distance relationships were not for me, but I was prepared to breathe life into this one. A Leo woman like me needed constant affection and reassurance. Ray had to be that for me. He wanted love and I needed it.

When the animals made animal noises that morning, he came back and made us coffee. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and saw him approaching with two steaming mugs. My coffee from home, the one with a hint of vanilla. _I could get used to this._

We stayed indoors because Bloemfontein was dead quiet at 6 a.m. Thanks to the free WiFi, I logged into my Instagram account and posted a picture of the sparkling pool. My friends who knew me well couldn't believe I survived a night there. There wasn't much to do after sundown, well not quite what I would have loved to do. I mean, I would have opted for the nightlife in Sandton, or a retro experience in Melville . But there was no such place here, I don't think. I just wanted a different experience to what I was accustomed to.

Sometimes, we must travel across the miles. We must be prepared to experience fresh, new things ~ said I.

Found this piece of splendour nestled in the heart of the Free State this weekend. This treasure would have been lost to me if I didn't pick up the courage and travel to a new town to meet new people.

I told him he had to leave first because I didn't want him to see me cry. Well, I thought I was going to cry. But he was also a bit too much for me, too soon.

Goodbyes were hard for me. I was fragile like that. I also said that things between us were not going to be easy but we should give it at least two months. I had no idea what else to say.

He agreed. With my first night done and dusted, I missed home. I longed for the comfort of my two-bedroom apartment. Everything I had, I worked for it. Nothing was handed to me. And so I had every reason to feel proud.

There were some people who said I was too proud...if only they made the effort to know the 'real' me, they would have seen how fragile I was. I couldn't wait for him to leave, but when he did I missed him. A part of me hoped he'd come back to hug me again. He didn't. I quickly gathered my stuff and inspected the room, to check that nothing was going to be left behind.

Sustenance before I hit the road. I really needed something in my tummy. My last meal was the breakfast I had when I arrived here. Knowing what I was told about Bloemfontein I was too scared to venture out too far. I survived on cereal bars and coffee.

My tummy grumbled. Ray's did too, but neither of us made the effort to go find food. I had the same type of breakfast I shovelled into my mouth yesterday. Then I said goodbye to the lady who made me feel at home when I drove into the premises. I can't remember her name now.

I left the area at 8.50 a.m and after driving for about an hour – maybe more – I realised I wasn't going to get too far. I heard my phone beep but didn't care much. It had to be a message from him.

I searched for the closest petrol station and found myself edging closer and closer to Winberg. What a beautiful, scary town. It reminded me of the old western movies, the cowboys and crooks type. I saw an old church, dusty roads, wagons without horses, and then I relaxed when I saw a petrol station.

I stopped at a pump but the attendant asked me to reverse to another one. I didn't question him and I didn't mind really. All I wanted was a bit of juice for my car.

"Hi. Please can you fill my tank with 95 Unleaded. Check the oil and water. Tyre pressure too, please."

He nodded and then got on with his work. "Mem, how many bars?"

"Oh sorry, it's 210 all round."

While all that was going on, a rundown bakkie pulled up in front of me. It was an Indian man. It was comforting seeing someone who was like me, but I got nervous when he walked up to my window.

"Hi. I see your GP registration plates. You are not from here, are you? We don't see pretty girls like you around here." Aah, just a stranger making conversation.

He called me a pretty girl. I blushed. Then I gave him one of my signature smiles. "Correct. I was in Bloemfontein for the weekend, but now am going back home."

"My name is Muhammad by the way. What is your name?" I was never going to see this man again so what was the point of telling him my name. Anyway, he asked so I had to answer out of politeness.

"Zee. Nice to meet you."

"Oh, you're Muslim. _As Salaam Walaikum_."

" _Wa Alaikum Salaam_. _"_

"We also own the superette just up the road. So if you need anything for the road, you can get it from there." Aah, he was the owner of this ancient looking petrol station.

Once I was all filled and pumped up, I got back onto the road and prayed that the journey was going to be easier. Returning home was calming, I was going back to my comfort zone.

I reached home at 2:30 p.m. First, I ate a fish and salad meal I picked up from the shopping centre down the road. Then I unpacked my stuff and fell onto the sofa. It felt like heaven to be off my feet and in my own home. Finally, I checked my messages.

08:13 a.m: Travel safe baby. Thanks again for keeping to your word and meeting me. You are everything I expected and more...love you

14:00 p.m: Have you reached home yet?

14:34 p.m: kissing emoji

18:18 p.m: I am tired AF!! Going to take a shower, eat, then hit the sack.

18:19 p.m: Have a good evening sweetie. Sweet dreams.

Strange how quick I seemed to have an effect on people. When we first started chatting he took baths, and now suddenly he was into showers. No complaints from me though. I told him it was an absolute pleasure to meet him.

Was it?

Then I told him I'd reached home.

Before I said my prayers, I messaged Anneke saying I had a wonderful time in Bloemfontein. I also told her Ray gave me a ring. She told me she was glad her brother and I finally met each other, and that he liked the gift I gave him.

Then she said they would love to meet me the next time. I told her it would be a pleasure to meet them, but they had to come to Johannesburg because Bloemfontein was just too far from me. Then, I switched my phone off.

The next morning I awoke at 4:45 a.m. My bladder was bursting. I rushed to pee and brush my teeth. When I looked at my phone, his message was there.

4:56 a.m: Good morning, Sunshine. I hope you are doing well XxX. Have a great day.

I didn't respond. Meeting him was too much. My expectations were too high and I was a tad disappointed. But, I was a people pleaser and chose not to be unkind. He wasn't my ideal guy, but he also had a heart.

At 6:09 a.m, I told him I was well and wished him an awesome week. I hoped he'd get that my one message had to last for the week. But, I was the one who broke that. It was the ring. I Googled what an infinity ring symbolised and that shook me to the core.

I couldn't do this with him. I typed out message after message. I just needed to get things off my chest.

Why did you choose an infinity ring?

Was it your idea or did someone suggest it?

I must admit, I was not familiar with such. Yes, I have seen the symbol before but only looked deeper into it last night.

Infinity is associated with words such as forever, everlasting, loyalty, never-ending.

All these are beautiful qualities and my heart is all for it but...

I don't think we can pull off such a relationship. There are too many things to consider.

Nonetheless, I am honoured that you chose me to receive this gift.

My heart tells me to return it so that you can find a woman worthy of you.

I was so scared that he was going to be hurt. Nobody deserved pain. But, this was too much for me to handle now that I'd met him. He replied.

I really don't want you to return it. I got it for you because it's like I told you at the weekend, whether we make it or not, I will remember you for as long as I live. You do, and always will, have a special place in my heart, regardless of what the future holds. You are worthy of it, otherwise I wouldn't have got it in the first place...

I told him I was scared about everything. He said it would be okay. He reminded me that I said what should happen would happen. He believed that too. Then he said life had a way of sorting itself out. It might not be what we expected or how we wanted it, but it always turned out okay. He seemed so smart, so wise, and always had a way with words.

I looked for excuses to end things between us. _My_ _family would never accept him._ _I speak English, he was Afrikaans._ _I lived in the city, he was in a rural-like place_.

He said he would be with me every step of the way when I spoke to my family. The language barrier was not a big deal, he added. Ray 1, Zee 0. I added that he was not Muslim. I thought that would work in my favour because he was a devout Christian.

What is devout anyway?

He stumped me when he said he would embrace Islam. Not like any of that would have made a difference because I played by my own rules. Validation was something I never needed. I was a rebel in my younger days, today was no different.

11

––––––––––––––––––––

Ray

Everything about the weekend was awesome. I was nervous, but it all worked out. Zee was the woman I had waited for my entire life. My soulmate. I prayed for someone like her. With her coming into my life my prayer had been answered – finally. Right now, I was glad it turned out well at the end.

She was a bit uneasy about the ring, but I told her whatever happened she was so worth it. I chatted to Cole last night and he was happy for us. He said it was great meeting Zee and that he felt at peace knowing I was in good hands. I believed him.

Since she left to go home we've chatted less. But that was okay. It allowed me to focus on my work. I had everything worked out in my head. I would relocate to Meyerton in September. Then Zee and I could map out our future. I realised she was nervous. She seemed like a social butterfly and everyone was attracted to her charm. I trusted her though.

The only thing that made it hard would be leaving my dog, Mish, behind. That made me sad somewhat, but it didn't compare to the joy that Zee filled in my heart. Mish would remain with Dad. Nothing in Bloemfontein was going to keep me back anymore. My Dad had his partner, Mandy, and her grandson, Xavier. My sister had her family. And now, I had Zee.

I said goodnight to Zee and went to bed at 9:15 p.m. Something happened during the night and I became restless. Just before midnight I missed her and sent her a text just to remind her that I loved her. I felt bad for sending that message so late. What if it disturbed her sleep?

For a few years now I've struggled to sleep peacefully. My mind wandered and I became overwhelmed. I was not worried about things between me and her. I wanted her more than anything. But, I just couldn't put my finger on what gnawed at my mind.

Zee is very intuitive. She asked me if everything was okay. We chatted less and she wondered if there was anything wrong. Also, she told me she felt nervous about us. Her family would never accept me because I was not Muslim. I told her I would convert. In fact I was reading up on Islam and found so many similarities between the two faiths.

She was nervous about me moving to Johannesburg. From my side, many things felt out of place too, but how could I tell her when I didn't understand it myself. Anyway, I allayed her fears and told her we'd handle anything that came our way. Then I told her that I loved her. I really did. That was the only thing I was sure about.

Anyway, her birthday was in a few weeks. I wanted to do something special for her. I asked her if I could see her on her birthday. I was prepared to go to Johannesburg. I thought it was fair since she came out here to meet me.

She agreed. We planned to get married by her birthday and then tell our families. Once we were official, they couldn't do anything to separate us. I really wanted her as my wife, but marriage was a big deal. A sacred bond. It's not like going on a date and then not seeing that person again if they ruffle your feathers.

Could it be the cause of my restlessness? Did I over-promise? I didn't think that far ahead. How would my family react?

Anneke knew about my desire to marry Zee, but I chose not to tell her everything. I don't think she would have approved of us getting hitched so soon. Zee wanted to get married by her birthday – that was a few weeks away.

But I also knew they would all come round eventually. My family loved me; they supported me.

Things didn't work out as planned. My financial model to get me to Johannesburg had gone awry. To be honest, I hadn't saved enough to make that big move. And the last thing I wanted was for Zee to take pity on me. I don't think I would be able to see her on her birthday either.

How was I going to tell her? My headaches turned severe nowadays. My sleeping patterns were sheer chaos. I felt restless all the time. My anxiety was back. How could I marry her, how could I support her when I couldn't do that for myself?

With everything going on I didn't consider myself worthy of her. She had everything. I had nothing - well maybe not as much. Everyone liked her. I barely had friends.

After rehab I was referred to a psychologist to help me cope. I told her I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. In terms of my career, I was confused. I qualified as a petrol mechanic. I did an artisan's course for three years after school. I made more money when I worked from home on one weekend than I would if I worked for an entire month elsewhere. But, I didn't want to do that all the time.

She said I should see an industrial psychologist to help me with that. I had family support, but also felt like I had nobody who understood me. I missed my Mum. She was the only one who got me. Mum said I made the best coffee. But now I think she only said that because it saved her from making her own. What I wouldn't give to serve her just one more mug. We were close. I loved her. Mum would have loved Zee too. It hurt that my Dad held on to her ashes. I wished he would release her so that I could go to a special place and 'talk' to her.

Uncle Rob said he could set me up in Cape Town, but if I accepted his offer I knew I would lose Zee. I did want to see him though, I felt safe around him. Once, he told my Dad he would take me away if I was not treated right.

Zee was happy in Johannesburg, and more importantly she had stability in her life. I was a complete mess. It was so unfair for me to keep her in my life. I loved her. I didn't want to lose her but I felt it was selfish to keep her, because my future looked uncertain. I prayed really hard every day. I went to church on Sunday evenings and that was the only time I had peace in my life.

Zee asked me for Cole's number today. I asked her why she wanted it and she said I should not worry. Cole was a true friend so I had no qualms giving her his details. I trusted him, I trusted her. She did tell me he was pleasant and she liked him. Maybe that was what she wanted to tell him. Or, maybe she wanted to thank him for making the time to bring his family out to meet her.

I know seeing them made a big difference for her. If it was anything else, I know Cole would be on my side. He would never tarnish my name or say anything to plant doubt in her mind. That is just the type of person he was.

Look at me, worrying about things that were not real.

12

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Zee

I sent Ray's uncle some feedback first thing Monday morning. He knew I went to Bloemfontein to be with his favourite nephew.

Hello Rob. I did meet Ray this weekend. I do think he has a lot of potential, but should surround himself with people who are good for him. He speaks fondly of you and I hope you can check on him every so often. His mum would have been very proud of him today. He treated me with volumes of respect and that is a rare quality. Take care, Z

I expected a long message, but Rob just thanked me. That disappointed me somewhat but I also accepted that this man didn't know me, he was in a different city, and at the same time life for the general manager of a hotel had to be fast-paced and crazy.

Zoleka walked into the office with a grin on her face. She didn't greet me like she usually did. "So, how was it? Give me the details."

I started telling her how disappointed I was about his height and build. But, I also mentioned that he was a real gentleman, that he had a kindness about him that was very rare. I finished off by telling her that I believed he had his heart in the right place.

"Then hold onto that. It's not easy to find men with good qualities these days. And when you do, then you have to overlook the negatives and just build on the strengths."

That made a lot of sense. He was not perfect but he was enough – for me. That was all that mattered. Then I showed her the infinity ring. She liked it, she also said that I was glowing and she was happy for me. I'd been alone for a long while and it was time to be loved, she said. Her only concern was that he was recovering from an episode of depression. There was always the possibility that he could relapse, she said. I worried about that too, but didn't let her see that.

My colleagues asked me if there was a new man in my life. They said I looked different – nicely different. According to them, I had a spring in my step and my cheeks were flushed. Now, I never gave too much away too soon – not at work anyway, but I nodded that there was someone.

It was still early days, that was all they needed to know.

Ray never mentioned his plans for my birthday and I didn't know what was expected of me. To avoid disappointment I didn't want to wait for him to come back to me about travel plans, and decided to book myself into a hotel in Muldersdrift. I settled on Misty Hills – an overnight stay in a forest-like surrounding.

That was meant to be medicine for my soul. It would have been the ideal getaway for me to mourn my mother. I ached to hear her voice every day since death snatched her away.

My pre-birthday frock was a black and gold netted dress. It was love at first sight when I saw it on the rail. I loved dressing up and always went the extra mile for special occasions.

Things changed between Ray and me – changed in a big, weird way. The excitement I felt in the beginning was no longer there. I called him sometimes, but struggled to hear what he said because the phone he used was outdated or something. He said his original phone was in for repairs. The screened cracked or something like that. I couldn't recall the exact explanation he gave.

It stressed me a lot when he told me one morning that he had had a bad week. His sleeping patterns were disturbed and his mind had gone into overdrive.

I hope he doesn't expect me to drive all the way to console him.

What if his anxiety and depression was coming back? What if he had to leave me and go back to rehab? What if...

I panicked and inboxed Anneke on Facebook.

Hello, dearest Anneke. I do hope this message reaches you and you read it with compassion. Ray has been complaining of headaches and insomnia. I feel a bit concerned and hope it is nothing too serious. Please, help me to understand him. Please advise me on what needs to be done when this happens. I love him so deeply and have to admit that he has filled a large part of my life. You know him best because you have always been his pillar of strength...please check on him if you can and if there is anything I should be aware of, let me know.

He did tell me about his moments of despair, anxiety, and his rehab. I just need guidance on how to understand him and help him with whatever he is going through. I love him, Anneke, I will never abandon him. Right now, I just feel so helpless.

She read the message but didn't respond. And that frustrated me. I thought she saw me as someone who got herself involved in something that didn't concern me. Then a bit later, she sent me a thumbs up to acknowledge what I said. I was relieved. _Stop drawing conclusions Zee!_

A short while later Ray told me she invited him over to her house. I acted surprised. Guess she decided that the only way to check on him was to have him close. My heart was satisfied that he was not going to be alone.

I didn't hear from him later that day, and when night came there were no messages. I couldn't reach him either. I went to bed feeling sad and mad.

The next day he greeted me and I asked him where he had been. I also told him that he changed when he went to his family. That is how the argument started.

I messaged you earlier. They didn't want to go through. I thought you logged out or something.

He sent me a screen grab of the messages he tried sending. I told him that I got the impression that his sister was not keen on me because she didn't respond to my message. She never told me what she planned to do to help him. I just needed to know that she had everything under control. It was not fair to be left wondering.

I don't think that's true, babe.

I told him he stressed me out when he said he was restless and not sleeping well. Then I said I asked for Anneke's help, and once everyone started being nice to him nobody had the decency to tell me what was going on.

I tried talking to you today. Don't be ugly.

I was livid. I told him to go please his family first. And I also said the next time he couldn't sleep he should go tell his sister. It was all too much for me. Too much, too soon.

Stop being like this, Z.

I told him I hated the way he made me feel. Then he reminded me that I approached his sister about his condition, not him. _She must have said something_. I hit back by reminding him that he was in perfect mental and physical condition when he was invited somewhere, but felt low when he was alone. I knew those words were harsh, but I couldn't help myself.

I have better days and I have not so great days.

I told him it had felt like he treated me as insignificant over the last few days.

You fight with me about so many things, almost nothing I say is right.

I reminded him that he said his family would not approve of the way we decided to do things to be together. Also, that my family was not considered at all.

Yes, they won't. But I'm willing to still go through with it.

He greeted me every morning, but on that morning all I got was his silence. Then he told me his battery died and he didn't took his charger with him. What a lame excuse! _Did his sister not have a phone charger at her house?_

I told you this before. I talk less because every time I do, no matter how hard I try to be sweet or nice or loving, it seems you find something to fight about. I'm afraid to say anything lately.

My heart hurt like hell. I hated fighting. I hated the distance. I hated that he was not strong enough to stand up to me. I also hated that his sister had not responded to my message for help.

Maybe that's because she doesn't know how to deal with it. But it's fine, fight with me about that too. It's hard as it is. This stupid fighting over stupid things is horrible. I hate it. I really do love you. I don't want to fight with you. I want to be able to chat with you without making assumptions and turning casual conversation into arguments. But I don't know how to do that anymore, Z.

Cole and I chatted today. There were a few things I was uncertain of and needed an objective view. I believed he could give me one.

First, I thanked him for being there for us and thought he was a wonderful guy. He also said that he felt comfortable talking to me and it was like we knew each other for ages. Yes, it felt that way for me too.

" _Cole, I get the sense that Ray has changed a lot since we last met."_

He said he didn't see any change in Ray and I should not worry about things that weren't there. He also told me that Ray was not the type to hurt me, or even cheat on me. Relief swept through me when I heard that. After all my heartbreaks I doubted I was strong enough to handle any disaster.

One thing Cole said was that he sensed I was a leader and Ray was a follower. He told me that he got the impression I needed a strong man to be by my side.

That concerned me deeply because I felt the same way. He was also worried that Ray'd spent his entire life in Bloemfontein and was now planning to relocate to a new place, a place that was too fast-paced for someone like him.

Then he added that he was Ray's friend and would always take his side, but he just wanted to point out some things that both him and his wife picked up. Before we said goodbye, Cole told me to be positive about things and work at it, because Ray really loved me.

13

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Ray

My budget wouldn't allow me to go to Johannesburg. I wouldn't be with Zee for her birthday. How was I going to tell her? Maybe if I didn't bring it up, she wouldn't ask me about my plans for that weekend.

Getting married so soon stressed me out too. I couldn't do it. My anxiety was back. That scared me. I thought I had that under control but I couldn't sleep peacefully at night anymore. Thoughts of being unworthy followed me everywhere I went. Nobody would understand. I couldn't explain it either.

She asked me to quit smoking and I promised I would, but cigarettes were all I craved these days. I promised never to deceive Zee in any way. Just the thought of betraying her trust in me hurt enough. I'd smoke just one cigarette. She wouldn't know. And what you don't know, won't hurt you.

Zee told me she was cancelling her phone contract and changing her network provider. She also said I should not panic if I couldn't reach her. The SIM swap could take a day or two to reactivate. I asked her what was wrong with the phone she had and all she said was that the package she had was not meeting her needs anymore.

While talking about new phones on the market – of which I had no clue – Zee asked me about my trip to Johannesburg. She also told me she planned to go elsewhere before we met, but cancelled that just so that we could be together on her birthday. I felt a lump growing in my throat and there were no answers I could give her. I just said goodnight and wished her sweet dreams.

So you're not coming anymore? Okay, I understand. Goodnight.

I told her I never said that, but was thinking about it. Then I told her again that I loved her.

We didn't chat much the next day, but in the late afternoon she sent me a message.

I look at my relationship status and it still feels so unreal. I can't believe how lucky and blessed I feel that someone like you could love a girl like me. Thank you for sharing your love with me, sweetheart. I don't say it often as I should but you complete my joy, you make me feel whole.

I thanked her for her love and told her how much I missed her. Zee told me she still felt bad about the argument we had when I went over to my sister that weekend.

Ray, this weekend was stressful. I was worried that you were going to relapse and I felt helpless. I didn't know what to do. As a last resort I asked Anneke to help me. I thought she was upset with me when she didn't respond, but I chatted very briefly with her today. She apologised for not responding because she was all over the place, and assured me that her heart, and home, is always open to you. I feel so ashamed for the way I reacted. I will try to do better going forward. Thank you for your patience and love.

Damn that woman. I loved her so freaking hard. She took the time to apologise and I appreciated that. I reminded her that she was very special to me. She didn't respond and I gathered that she fell asleep. Then I felt my eyelids drooping. Sleep took me away to a calm place.

The weekend was strange and confused the hell out of me. I barely chatted to Zee. She was concerned that I was becoming distant. She asked if I was ending things between us, but I reassured her that I wasn't doing anything of the sort.

05:48: _I love you._

16:03: _Please don't think I don't care. I just don't know what to do anymore. I love you so deeply and feel like my presence in your life is making you depressed. I don't know how to live without your love because you represent everything I desire in a man. I am happy to come to you when you are ready to see me. You need to be honest about what is troubling you and decide on the way forward. Whatever happens, I don't know if I will ever be able to let you go, but if it will help with your healing then I will release you with love._

Reading that message left me numb. There were no words I could use to express how I felt about her, or explain the darkness going through my mind. And her birthday, the day when God was in a happy mood. The day He chose the best of everything for my Zee – a sweet nature, a beautiful heart, the softness in her voice, her dark and dreamy eyes, her physical beauty – everything. God saved the best parts to her. Her birthday was a few days away, how could I disappoint her? I felt horrible and felt that everything was going to be a disaster. She sent me another message.

18:49: _Are you ever going to talk to me? Are you going to tell me what is troubling you? How can we work this out, and save what could be a beautiful relationship, if you keep shutting me out. Whatever it is, I will not leave you. Please let me help you. Your silence is killing me, and you were the one who told me that a lack of communication destroys relationships._

She sounded so hurt and that's when I decided to break my silence. I told her I was not ending my relationship with her, that I truly believed I wanted to get married too – but now I was scared.

I told her I was sorry for leading her on, for giving her a false sense of comfort. That was the truth. And when she asked if she should spend her weekend with me in Bloemfontein, I told her that I would like that.

14

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Zee

My original birthday plans were cancelled. Everything was changed – just for him. Zoleka was furious. She said I had to stop putting him before my own happiness. I told her I had to be there for him, that he was not himself.

She snapped that I was not the fixer of things, or people. That he was that way before I met him. That his situation was for his family alone and I shouldn't be making it my priority.

I didn't see it that way. The truth of the matter was that my heart was broken – because I couldn't do what I really wanted to do – to be close to nature and drink in the beauty of life. And then waves and waves of sadness washed over me; 2018 was turning out horribly.

I Googled a few places I could book into and found one that seemed cosy. Then I sent Cole a message asking what his plans were for the weekend, because I was going to be visiting again. I told him it was my birthday weekend.

At first he said he didn't have plans, but we should keep in touch closer to the time. Then I broke the bad news. I told him I was coming to Bloemfontein to end things with Ray. I asked him to keep that piece of news confidential.

Hi, that is bad news. Well good luck, and all the best for the future.

Ray told me he was sorry that I cancelled the plans made before we met. Terrible is what he felt, he said. Then I told him where I would stay that weekend.

Three weeks ago I had no plans to return to that place any time soon – or ever for that matter.

Saturday morning, 18th August 2018, took me on a different route. It was along Graaff Reinet or something like that.

That second trip I was a bit calmer, especially when I saw the white-on-blue boards indicating I was on my way to him. I listened to my music until the CD player sounded tired. Then I switched everything off and rehearsed what I would say to him. _Should I be happy, sad, tearful, relieved?_ I wondered what plans he had for us that weekend.

The night before I told Anneke that I was spending my weekend in some area known as Dan Pienaar. I asked if I could meet her and the baby. I guess her husband could have joined us if he was available too.

Hi. Yes, maybe have a chat with Ray and we can make a plan on Saturday. Would be very nice to meet you. X. Safe travels.

Meeting Ray's sister was going to give me a bit of comfort. She was also the one who sent him off to rehab a few months ago. He was a lost, wandering soul, and going for help saved him to an extent. But let me be honest, I wanted to meet her mainly to ask her to help me. My BFF, I thought that's what we would become once Ray and I worked things out.

The weather was pleasant and the roads were quiet. There were no traffic police this time and I seemed to be getting closer a bit quicker too. This time round I was able to identify crops and grazing animals, shacks and happy children. Everything looked familiar, my mind was at ease while travelling.

Now, I trusted my GPS to deliver me to my exact point. Just the other day I updated my Apps and knew I was good to go. The last stretch was a bit boring. I decided to listen to Drake's _In My Feelings_ album.

Maybe if things worked out okay this weekend I could at least be happy, and take the dance challenge on one of the quiet roads. You know the one where everyone was twerking to _Kiki, do you love me?_

While thinking those thoughts I found myself driving on suburban roads. The houses were old-ish, but I loved the architectural merit. The GPS indicated I'd be at my destination in seven minutes. What a relief.

I pulled up in front of a large, very large metal gate. My phone beeped. It was Lesley. She knew I was in town and that I had arrived to end things with Ray. Clearly, Cole betrayed me and told her. But none of that mattered, I just needed to check in.

There was no bell, or buzzer, or intercom. Nothing. So I pressed my hooter and the gate rolled open. I drove through and once parked, the gate sealed shut behind me.

At that same time, a medium sized dog came out and barked like a banshee. I couldn't say if it was a happy bark or a warning. I don't care how friendly people said their pets were. A dog is a dog and I was terrified. I sat put. Everything looked different. This place didn't look a bit like a guesthouse. I thought I was done for. Confusion and nerves hugged me tight.

Then a middle-aged, blonde-haired lady dressed in full black, approached me. _Oh lordie, I drove into some sorta cult. What if I was today's sacrificial lamb? Calm down Zee, calm down and play it cool._

We exchanged pleasantries, and then she realised the place I was looking for was diagonally across the street from her. She said she'd go inside and open the gate so I could reverse and be on my way. I waited... five minutes, seven minutes, ten minutes. Then she came back and said she forgot where she left the remote.

How weird, how did she get the gate to open in the first place? I couldn't drive out of that yard fast enough and was so relieved when I saw the bicycle display in front of the venue I was meant to be at. Again I was early and my room was not ready. The owner's wife offered me some coffee and said I could sit in the garden while the maid cleaned my room.

How is your trip going, hun? Have you found the right place?

I told Ray I lost my bearings but managed to find the guesthouse where I'd be celebrating my birthday. He asked when he should come over and I mentioned that the room was not ready. Then I reminded him that we had the whole weekend together. That is when he surprised me with his words.

I need to be very honest. I don't know if I'm going to stay too long with you.

Now I understood what he meant when he said he was confused. I mean how selfish could one be? He waited for me to travel all the way to Bloemfontein before saying that. That trip was not even in my budget, but I made a plan. And the best part was, he chose to communicate that on my birthday weekend – the one weekend where I conditioned myself to be happy for a change.

It's just that I don't know what to really say or do, Z. I love you, but we did rush into this and I've been experiencing a little more anxiety than usual. I don't think I can be the man you need me to be. I'm not ready.

Like I've told you, this is scaring the shit out of me. I can barely take care of myself properly, let alone you. You deserve someone stronger than me, Z. I feel like I am wasting your time because of me not being ready for this responsibility.

Talk about being a selfish, cruel person. That is what went through my mind with those words. And you know that feeling of a blunt object stabbing into you and then being twisted around... well, that is how I felt.

I couldn't believe it. I dropped onto the wrought-iron chair in the garden, the sun was shining gently and lighting the fat tears rolling down my hot cheeks. I was flustered.

Quickly I brushed the tears away, because I didn't want the maid to see me that way. She worked really fast to get the room ready and then told me I could go inside.

I felt the room hugging the sorrow out of me. Everything was beautifully set out. It felt like home. I dropped my bags on the floor and ran into the bathroom to grab tissues. Next, I was against the wall and slowly felt myself sliding down. My bum hit the carpeted floor first. I kicked my shoes off and lowered my head between my knees.

My body shuddered, my breaths came out in staggers, and then the waterworks poured out. I cried. I cried for my mother, for all the times when my heart was deceived, I cried for my prayers not being answered. I cried for the man who promised to love me for all the days of his life.

I sent Zoleka a voice note telling her what he said. She couldn't hear a word I muttered through all the sobs and snorts. She tried calling back but the weak signal didn't allow it. Maybe that was a blessing in disguise, because the next time I saw her she told me she would have flown to Bloemfontein and smacked him with every ounce of strength in her.

My bum was sore, the sobbing stopped but the sadness was deep still. I didn't care that I was a complete mess. Messy is nice – sometimes.

Then I heard the roar of his motorbike. I couldn't move – my body deceived me. I didn't want him to see me in that vulnerable state, but what could I do? I tried to muster up my energy and meet him at the door – but I was spent, totally.

There were soft, laboured footsteps. Then I felt his cold hands clasp mine. He helped me to my feet and when I fixed my gaze on him, I swear I saw hurt and sadness. That is when I held him and cried.

Was I the one making him so unhappy?

I thought I could kiss him back to life but he stopped me. He said if we kissed it wouldn't stop there, and that would make things more difficult for him. I hated seeing him that way, I hated that I couldn't find the love and stability I craved. I hated the situation we found ourselves in. Everything, I hated it. _Why God, why are You punishing me this way?_

Round two of the hurt was meted out when Anneke said she couldn't meet us. I thought she had a change of heart because her brother talked her out of it. That was until she said they could meet me for coffee the next morning. I agreed.

The wall clock ticked away while we sat on the edge of the bed chatting. Time ran away from us; me trying to understand how a man could change so much in three weeks.

Weeks before he said he was ready to start afresh with me, that it was okay to tell my late husband's family about us – you know, to get their blessings. I did everything he asked and now he chose to make me look like an idiot. That weekend, I didn't take calls from family or friends. I just wanted it to be all Ray.

A few hours later I had pangs of hunger. This time I was going to go out there and eat. I Googled restaurants close by and told Ray I would like to treat him to supper. He agreed. I made reservations for 7 p.m that evening. I drank coffee to suppress my hunger.

Ray didn't want anything. He didn't look, or sound, too well either. That is what happened when he was stressed, he said. I heard the sniffles and his voice was low. I offered to go out and get him some medication, but he refused.

He climbed into bed and pulled the cover up to his chin. He cut a poorly figure. I tried to hug him but he pushed me away.

Was I really the cause of all this? Then I laid down next to him and soon we were both asleep. Those first few hours were mentally draining.

My peaceful slumber ended at 4 p.m. He was on the far edge of the bed – the right side. He didn't want any physical contact and I respected that. I decided to get ready for what would have been our first date. I jumped into the shower and relished the tranquil water running down, soft and soothing. It washed away traces of heaviness from my mind, body, and soul. Well, it felt that way.

I towel dried myself, lathered my dry skin with an oil-based cream, and applied my make-up. My black fishnet stockings were rolled up my legs and I stepped into my gold heels. Lastly, I slipped on my netted dress but struggled to do the zip.

I went into the bedroom to get him to help me, but he slept deeply. I heard the snores. I didn't have the heart to shake him awake. Someone on these premises could help me, surely? There must be evening staff here now.

That's when I stepped outside to go to the reception. There it was. I saw his fine piece of metal. A 2013 black Suzuki. I had no clue about motorbikes but she did look like a beauty. I never really saw him seated on it, but something told me it suited his personality. One that was slowly unravelling itself.

Off I went to the front house and knocked on the wooden door. The chime on the wall wasn't loud enough for some reason. There was movement inside. There were guys watching some televised rugby game. I knocked a bit harder, this time a young blond-haired man came round the side of the house. I told him I needed one of the staff to help me with the zip on my dress. He told me they had all left for the day and he'd help me, but I politely declined.

What if that upset Ray? He was a few metres away catching up on his beauty sleep.

Then he suggested I wait 15 minutes because a woman friend was coming round to visit. He'd get her to help me. The young woman did arrive on time, she adjusted my dress and zipped me up. Then she took a few photos of me in that very dry garden. We made smalltalk about the restaurant I made reservations at and she said it was a five-star place. That we'd enjoy it. I trusted her judgement.

Ray awoke an hour before we left. He told me I looked beautiful. Not pretty. I liked that. Beautiful carried more weight in my book. I lay next to him and we cuddled – just for a bit. We were careful not to ruin my freshly applied makeup. Then he went to freshen up.

There were many sniffs, and throat clearing. He looked dreadful and I asked if he wanted to remain behind while I went out alone. I melted with appreciation when he said it would not be fair to spend my pre-birthday dinner alone.

We arrived at the stunning New York restaurant a little before 7 p.m. As we walked into the dining area everyone looked at me. I don't think it was out of admiration.

Now, I know they looked at us because I was not like them. I was brown and they were all white. Or, maybe they wondered if the rehab 'rumours' about Ray were true. Some of the guests there were people he had gone to school with.

He waited for me to order. I settled for the fried halloumi with a sweet chilli dip as a starter, then the vegetarian platter as my main. He asked the waitress to recommend something and then chose to start with the mussels, followed by the steak with mushroom sauce. Right now I can't remember if he asked for chips or hot veggies.

That evening was pleasant. It was also the time we had our first, and last photo, taken by the waitress who said we looked good together. I will never know if she was just being polite, or whether she meant it.

Back at the guesthouse Ray prepared to leave. I asked him to stay because I didn't know when I'd see him again. He agreed. I understood then what Cole meant when he said that Ray was a follower and not a leader. It didn't take much to convince him to stay over.

While he flipped through the channels, I decided to stay an extra night to work things out between us. I made arrangements with the guesthouse and even got to remain in the same room. I knew that extra night was going to break the bank, but I had to do it.

He fell into a deep sleep almost immediately. _So much for his insomnia these last few weeks._ I stirred, then I tossed and turned. _What are you doing here Zee?_ _Is this what you signed up for?_

I ached for my mum. She cut straight to the chase when it came to my relationships with people. Her words hurt, but they held value too. I called his name and hoped he'd just put his arms around me. Nothing, I got nothing.

At 2 a.m I slipped out of bed and went into the garden. I looked skywards and saw the velvet-black sky covering Bloemfontein as it slept. Tiny, blinking stars were pinned in place. I had water on my cheeks. I thought it was a slight drizzle but later realised it was my tears.

Today was my birthday. He was here and yet I felt so alone. I cried deep sobs, my chest hurt and my throat dried out. Those tears made me tired. I returned to bed, turned on my left side and pulled the cover over my head. Still, I was restless. I reached for my phone and logged into Facebook.

Dear Universe,

For the first time since forever, my 5 a.m birthday greeting from Mum will not arrive. She was always the first one who made my day start off with a beautiful reminder of how much I have blossomed over the years. I know she is happy in heaven.

Awaking this morning, I realise that my life has been nothing short of magical. The losses, heartaches, the good and the bad, have made my journey a perfect cadence – a symphony that keeps me feeling alive.

There is much that I am grateful for, so much that shows me quality surpasses quantity. Every day, and especially today, I see the value of small things and I celebrate the beautiful people in my life.

I am grateful for my imperfectly perfect tribe, the ones who help me embrace my successes – my failures – my losses – my rejections – my betrayals. In your unique way, you have given me the courage to face my fears, to be resilient and to observe silence when words are not necessary. This past year, I have mourned the losses of so many precious people. I laughed and cried, and confided in rich souls. You are all enough for me.

Right now, I feel blessed – not in the material sense, but with small things that bring great value and make my life worth living. I am a work in progress and yet I see myself coming together beautifully.

Ray awoke at 4:30 a.m and wished me happy birthday. Then he kissed me. That was sweet and I appreciated it. At least he was making an effort.

I told him I was nervous about meeting his sister. He said he'd be there with me and that Anneke was a lovely person. He rode out on his motorbike at 6 a.m to go home, shower, change, and return to fetch me. We were going to meet them at some restaurant in the town.

When the golden sun rays filtered through the lace curtains I unwrapped Zoleka's gift. Well, I didn't want to at first because the red ribbon on the gold gift bag looked pretty. But curiosity got the better of me and I ripped the wrapping apart. I needed to know how well she knew me.

I loved it, I simply loved what she gave me. It was Niq Mhlongo's book – _Soweto, Under The Apricot Tree_. I jumped around like a little girl. That was going to be the next book I bought but she beat me to it. I snapped a photo of everything for Facebook and tagged the author.

Niq and I chat like old friends, but so many years later our schedules never allowed us to meet in person. Now that I had his book, I knew that would change. He had to make a plan to autograph it.

When Ray returned I was struggling to iron out the creases from a traditional-styled dress that I planned to wear. He told me I should dress down because nobody was going to be dolled up. I wondered if he would have been ashamed of me wearing an African outfit in a place filled with white, Afrikaans people.

Do you know what it feels like when you have your wardrobe planned and then you have to change it because someone told you it wouldn't work? I was disheartened. There was no time to argue, so I packed it away for another day. I settled on wearing a tiered grey skirt, black blouse, and shoes that did me no justice. I did it only for love.

We travelled in my car. Ray took the driver's seat. It felt good to be driven for a change. I tried to imagine what it would be like when we were together – officially.

A young black waiter was heading into the restaurant. He stopped and looked at us twice. I wanted to say something ugly but decided against it. When we got inside, I chuckled. That same waiter showed us to our table. To be honest, I don't think he was appalled that Ray held my hand, I think that such visible shows of affection were rare in that forgotten part of the country.

Ray sat across from me and held my cold hands. The wind howled outside but it was cosy in this restaurant. I was nervous about meeting his sister. He told me to relax and that it would be okay. I trusted him. Within ten minutes Anneke and Justin arrived, with little Railey sleeping snug in her pram.

She hugged me. Anneke had a beautiful, gentle, dark look. She felt warm and I liked her immediately. Before we took our seats she wished me happy birthday, and gave me a gift bag. I thanked her and placed it next to me.

Then Ray moved to my left, his sister and Justin taking a seat across from us. While we made small-talk I realised that I had not been formally introduced to Justin. That's when I extended my right hand to him and introduced myself.

Everyone laughed. Anneke apologised. She said they knew so much about me already that it felt like I was a part of the family. I liked hearing that. There was something that she said to Ray in Afrikaans. I can't remember it now. But then she stopped and fixed her gaze on me. She asked if I understood the language. I nodded that I understood it, but felt comfortable making conversation in English.

The men talked about things that didn't interest me. I was eager to get to know Anneke. We had a conversation – I talked and she listened. When it was my turn she acknowledged everything I said, and either nodded or asked me questions. Three of us ordered coffee, Justin felt like a cold frappe. Somewhere during the exchange of words Anneke asked if I wanted to hold her baby.

I did, but was nervous. The last time I had held a nearly newborn child was eleven years ago. I got the feeling that she really wanted me to cradle her baby, and before I knew it Riley was handed over to me. That beautiful little bundle felt like joy. She squirmed a bit, but settled quickly.

As I held her in my arms, her dark eyes settled on Ray. That looked like pure love. With Railey resting on my right arm I squeezed Ray's hand with my left, and whispered that I loved him. He smiled. For a little two-month-old she had a curious personality.

I raised her up and she rested her chin on my shoulder. Her focus darted around the room – exploring the different faces and sounds. I loved that little girl child. I hoped that Anneke would consider me to be her role model one day.

My mind came back to the conversations around the table. I lost a great chunk of it because I marvelled over this soft, beautiful child, in my arms. For once I saw Ray relax. He laughed and joked about things I was not too familiar about. He seemed comfortable around his sister. _Confiding in Anneke is probably the balm I would need to repair the wounds between Ray and myself._

Justin and Anneke complemented each other. He towered above her but what they lacked in height, they seemed to make up in affection towards one another. I was curious to know more about him.

"So what do you do Justin – workwise?" I expected to hear him say he managed a security company, or owned a construction company – something along those lines because he had the build for it.

"I supply tomatoes." Silence. "I act as a liaison between farmers and the large chain greengrocers."

My breath caught in the back of my throat. I didn't know how to react. Ray chipped in that he worked for Justin. Aah, so that is what he meant when he said he worked in fresh produce. I mistook that for working in council, but this was a private family business.

Okay then, topic closed. I didn't know much about tomatoes except that they were a source of vitamin C, and then the question of whether a tomato was a vegetable or a fruit. I have still not figured that one out.

Justin picked up the bill. Then it was time for us to say goodbye to them. While Railey was being strapped back into her baby carriage, I told Anneke I needed to chat. We didn't have the privacy for words but she asked me to drop her a message. She hugged me, and when it was time to say goodbye to Justin he hugged me too. It's what family did, he told me. At that time I knew where I stood with his sister and husband, how I wished I knew where I stood with Ray.

With time on our hands Ray took me on a tour of his town. He pointed out the schools and museums, hospitals, churches, and police station.

While we passed some greengrocer he told me the story of the original owner – a man who went to the market with his wheelbarrow. He brought the freshest vegetables back and sold them to his regular customers. The young woman who believed in him, supported his dream and held his calloused hands, became his wife. They grew an empire together.

That could be us. Ray and me. Us against the world.

He took me to Naval Hill, a stunning place nestled in the Franklin Game Reserve.

That, for me, was Bloemfontein's beautiful little secret. I got to revel in a 360º degree view of the town below. All my beliefs about this city's old school architecture, old-fashioned people and outdated ways, changed once we stood on the top of that hill.

The largest, and possibly the tallest Nelson Mandela statue – his clenched fist in the air – took my breath away. A cameraman stopped us. He asked if we would like our photo taken. I refused. Now when I think back I wish I had allowed him to snap me, with Ray, at that site.

We sat on the stone wall and talked. The wind was blowing my freshly ironed tresses, but I didn't allow it to bother me much. I listened to Ray talk about his fear of losing me, his confused mindset, and his restlessness.

I also told him he had hurt me when he waited for me to arrive before sharing his insecurities. He apologised. I saw him fidget in his pockets. Then, he asked if he could smoke a cigarette. I was disappointed but nodded.

As he pulled on that rolled nicotine he pointed out where he worked, political meetings that took place in the different buildings, the churches, the school both his sisters attended, the route he travelled to and from work. One could tell that while he loved Bloemfontein, there was nothing the city could offer him anymore.

We returned to the car and he drove around a bit showing me the planetarium, restaurant, and grazing animals. He told me a story of how a baboon sat on a car's bonnet once. The owner was ready to leave but the animal wouldn't budge. Apparently, the only option was for him to drive off at a slow speed, but still nothing happened. Just then he pressed the hooter and that scared the baboon so much that he jumped off, leaving a soiled trail all over the windscreen.

I didn't say anything. I didn't find that hilarious at all. If anything it was immature – too much unnecessary detail. That was another marker that showed me how different he and I were.

We headed back when the wind became a bit too much for my unmanageable hair. He offered to take me to a movie but I just wanted to go back to the guesthouse. We ate pizza late that afternoon. Then he said he'd leave for church a bit later. I asked him if he would return, but he said he couldn't. He told me he had to leave for work early the next morning. That's when I turned my dial upside down and decided to take a shower.

I returned to the bedroom and found him asleep. Now that looked like a good plan. Rest is what I needed too. For a change I slept peacefully. I believed we were getting better, that our issues could be worked out, that we'd make it as a couple. Hope in your heart was always a good thing.

Ray awoke and walked to the foot of the bed. I heard him but kept my eyes shut. He muttered that it was too late to make it to church. That's when I looked at the clock on my phone and saw that it was 5 p.m. I did tell him that he could pray and I would give him the privacy he needed. He refused.

That evening we watched _Pitch Perfect_. Ray told me that he liked Fat Amy because she was real compared to the rest. We fell asleep with the television on.

Just before midnight the noise was too much, and I searched for the remote. He told me there was a power switch on the wall. I turned to face him and saw him curled up like a little boy. He slept on the edge of the bed, fully dressed. He never wanted too much physical contact.

That's when I realised how much he wanted to have his own space again. That was so different compared to three weeks ago when he couldn't steal enough kisses and hugged me every chance he got. I wondered what was up with him.

At the time I wondered if he was seeing another woman.

That night I felt like a disease, a deadly disease, because Ray didn't want me – the way he said he did – anymore. Lesley reassured me that Ray would never hurt me that way. She too couldn't understand why he changed the way he did.

That weekend was hard for Lesley and Cole. They couldn't come out to meet me because Cole had been hospitalised a few days earlier and had just returned home to recuperate. I told her they were all in my prayers.

At 3:50 a.m, his alarm sounded. We awoke at the same time. I told him to freshen up and I'd make us coffee – for a change. He told me not to worry, but I insisted.

Ten minutes later he emerged from the bathroom, and sipped on his coffee. Then he put on his padded jacket and picked up his helmet. With the helmet on, he looked more like a child. He flicked something on the side of it and showed me the black eye shields that came with it.

Then he hugged me a little longer than usual, he kissed me too. We walked outside – I needed to padlock the gate after him. He told me to travel safe back to Johannesburg. That I should send him a message once I reached home.

I nodded, then raced back to escape the biting cold. I was under the warm covers when I heard the last roar of his motorbike. The electric blanket was a blessing. It soothed my muscles and hugged my freezing frame. That helped me sleep for another hour at least.

There was cold, leftover pizza from yesterday. I slipped a few vegetarian slices into the microwave. Thirty seconds was more than enough. It tasted bleh but I had no complaints. I was starving.

That was the story of my life in Bloemfontein. I left Dan Pienaar just before 8 a.m and took a leisurely drive back. There was no need to hurry. Not. This. Time.

I took the day off work and felt satisfied that I got to spend my birthday with him. It was not what I expected, there were no fireworks, no surprises either... it was just another day for me.

While driving I tried to work out what was to come next for Ray and me, when I saw a traffic officer wave me down. _For crying out loud woman, stop those cars that do not deserve to be on these roads. Not me!_

15

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Ray

" _I think the misconception is that depression is a state of mind, that one can alter the situation by doing something different. The reality is that sometimes there is no root for the attack. Your emotions simply decide to be grey. I subscribed to many things that would numb the anxiety, some would be self harm just to escape the internal pain. We don't need people to fix us, we just need people to love us when we don't know how to love ourselves." ~ Shari M._

These last few days were tough-ish. I couldn't take it anymore. My heart beating on my ribcage, the sweat on my palms, the breath that caught in my lungs – I didn't want to answer to any of that. I was at the crossroads of my life – didn't know which way to turn.

The swirling thoughts in my brain refused to settle. It felt like leaves falling, like leaves fighting to find their place on the ground. For the most part I was tired. Tired of the stress of going to work, doing a job that never satisfied me, feeling trapped in a world that couldn't understand what was happening to me.

Maybe if I was just tired, then I could have coped. But, it was more than that. The anxiety was back – more frequently now. I loved Zee but couldn't put her through that excessive angst.

After rehab, and learning to adjust, I thought I could cope better. But the time had come for me to accept that my anxiety would follow me for all the days of my life. I tried to explore it, the crevices and textures it brought along. I tried to accept that it was a part of my personality now and I had to find a way to cope. After all, it defined me right?

Well, I couldn't. I tried to handle it, but having someone in my life just made my stress levels escalate. It was too much pressure. And once the anxiety came I knew the depression would soon follow. It would test me, push me, and eventually turn me into a very withdrawn person.

Zee could never see me that way. What would she think, would she understand or would she abandon me? I had to tell her I couldn't give her everything I promised – not anymore. That things had moved too fast between us.

I'd probably have to pay the ultimate price – losing her, like I lost most things in life.

Today was the day. I had to get through work first and then plan the weekend. She was on her way. I had to be prepared. What I was going to do, and how, was something I hadn't focused on too much.

I went home – my Dad's home actually. I lived with him. Around 10 a.m I asked Zee how the drive was going. I was nervous and smoked a cigarette while I waited for her to reply. She was going to be livid because she asked me to quit, and I promised I would. I broke this promise.

I ended up in the wrong place. My sense of direction got confused.

I asked her if she wanted me to come out and find her, but she told me she was okay. She followed her GPS and it took her to the wrong house, but she had just arrived at the guesthouse.

I told her I would be on my way, but I didn't know if I would stay long. She sent me a tearful emoji. Again, I lit another cigarette.

She called. It was too late to answer and I listened to her voicemail. I could barely hear her she was crying so much, so hard. I picked up that she needed to see me. I left immediately.

It took me twenty minutes to reach Dan Pienaar. I parked my motorbike directly behind her car. Nerves gripped me as I walked to the door. My heart broke to find her that way. She was on the floor, her face hidden between her legs. I could hear the sobs in between her deep breaths.

I took her hands in mine. Her warm hands were trembling. There wasn't anything I could do to wipe her pain away, because I was pained myself. I don't think she heard me arrive because she was shocked and embarrassed when she saw me. I did see her cry the first time, but these were big, ugly tears. Zee told me she never showed her weaknesses to the outside world. They wouldn't understand. But I did, I got her completely.

She rose to her feet, or maybe I helped her up. We held each other and she kept telling me how sorry she was that she couldn't make me happy. I wanted to tell her it was not her fault. It was not her at all, it was me. But that would have sounded so clichéd. Then she broke away and looked at me through those beautiful eyes.

"Why are your hands so cold?" She rubbed my hands together and held them close to her chest.

I told her everything felt cold on the bike. She asked me if I didn't have warmer gloves. I told her there were thermal gloves for bikers, but I didn't have any.

We sat on the bed and I shivered. I wanted her so much, but there was no way I could have her – not in my confused state. I told her I couldn't stay, that I was afraid of making the situation worse by being that close. She leaned in and kissed me. I broke away. I told her if we kissed, it wouldn't stop there. She was stubborn. She kissed me again and again. I melted into it.

I told her about all the darkness that had come back to haunt me. She reminded me that I had it under control – she reminded me – that is what I said after confessing to her on email about my mental condition. Yes, I told her I had mastered the techniques at rehab to help me cope. At the time I thought I had, but being with a strong woman like her brought all those fears back. It hit me like a tsunami.

"We'll get through this together, Ray. I will stand by you every step of the way. You can't run from your problems. Sometimes, you just have to show it who's boss. I'm not letting you go."

My 'situation' was not that easy. Depression was something that came and went, like waves crashing on the shore. And when it hit you, it did in a big way. I had no control.

There were people who cared about me and I pushed them away. I felt like a failure. At my age I should have been established, but here I was running away. I hated myself for hurting Zee. She was innocent in all of that. I couldn't be with her, but a big part of my heart refused to give up on her.

"Anneke knows that I'm here. Ray, I asked if I could meet her and the baby. She said I could make arrangements with you. She said today was a good day for her."

My sister told me that Zee sent her a message. I liked that the two of them were in touch. I sent Anneke a message to check about time and place, but she didn't respond. I tried Justin, but couldn't reach him. Next I called them, but got voicemails.

Zee was a bit disappointed, because she wanted to get the meeting with my sister out of the way before she could decide on what she wanted to do next. I told her that she had to understand my sister's schedule revolved around the baby. She nodded and turned away from me. It was sadness, I could feel it.

I wanted to hold her but my body wouldn't allow it. We stayed silent for a while and then my sister messaged to say that the day was hectic. She asked if we could meet for coffee the following day. I checked with Zee and she agreed. That was a relief. I know Zee would have been hurt if she couldn't meet the baby. She held a soft spot for my niece. Later, I found out that Zee decided to stay on another night, just to give us more time.

Things were calmer between us after the arrangements were made. Apart from the coffee we had at lunch, we were starving. Then she suggested that we go out for dinner – well she called it supper – and it would be her treat. I agreed and she started searching for places close to us.

One of the restaurants she mentioned appealed to me. I had been there previously and the food was divine. New York, a very upmarket place. I told her I didn't have a fresh set of clothes, but she said she didn't mind – as long as we were together. She called to make reservations for two. It was booked under her name. Soon thereafter I fell off to sleep.

The whiff of her perfume tickled my nose. It startled me actually. I planned to take a quick nap, but overslept. I caught her as she tiptoed into the bedroom. She looked beautiful. I enveloped her in my arms. We laid together for a few minutes. I had this urge to kiss her, but didn't want to ruin her makeup.

We left the guesthouse at fifteen minutes to seven. The restaurant was a short drive away. The car guard guided me into a safe spot directly across from the restaurant. I held her hand as we walked in. That made me feel comfortable. Our table was reserved at the front.

It was crowded that night; it seemed like everyone was out to celebrate something. I told Zee that I felt terrible for not having the means to do all those wonderful things for her – dinner, gifts, getaways. She squeezed my hand and smiled. Then she told me that she didn't mind, that one day I'd be back on my feet. Right now, all she wanted was my love. I appreciated that.

The food was lovely, as always. We couldn't finish everything, but Zee said a meal felt incomplete if she didn't have dessert. She ordered a crème brulee. I didn't want anything, but said I'd nibble from her plate.

There were many stares and glares when we walked in that night. I'd like to think everyone admired my partner for the evening. There were a few guys I remembered from school. They seemed to be talking about us, maybe me. I didn't allow that to spoil my evening though.

Zee asked for the bill and swiped her card. How I wished I could simply do that – and not have to worry about finances every day. I had to give up a lot of material things when my life turned upside down. Also, being away at rehab for seven months meant I was not in a position to earn a salary.

It was dark when we returned to the guesthouse. Someone had taken Zee's parking spot. I reversed into a safe place close to the reception area, and we walked the short distance to her room. I picked up my helmet and went over to kiss her before riding home.

She looked devastated. She said she thought we'd had a wonderful time together and that I'd at least spend the night. Her eyes became glassy and I couldn't bear to be the cause of her tears anymore. I decided to stay.

At 4 a.m I awoke and turned towards her. She was on her phone. I saw the glare. I wished her a happy birthday and kissed her.

"Thank you, my love. You're the first person to wish me today, this year actually. That will be my sweetest, most treasured memory, always."

I went to the bathroom and then made two mugs of coffee. I loved how she appreciated the little things I did for her. That was just coffee, but she made it seem like I had just given her liquid gold. Maybe one day I would be able to do that.

I had to go back home to shower and change. She told me she'd sleep in a bit longer while I was away. We were meeting Anneke and Justin, and the baby, at 10 a.m.

The first thing I did when I got home was connect my phone to the charger. The battery light was flashing. I grabbed a fresh pair of pants, a clean shirt, and undies. It was one of the quickest showers ever. While getting dressed, my phoned beeped off the hook. I checked and saw that Zee had tagged me on her Facebook message. I appreciated that, but with every like and comment my battery wouldn't last long. I untagged myself.

I got back within reasonable time and saw that she struggled to iron her dress. That looked a bit too much to be honest. I convinced her to wear something simpler because none of us planned to look extravagant. She told me she didn't have anything else to wear, and what she had would look so mismatched.

After she was dressed I looked at her, and didn't see anything unusual. It was a skirt, a blouse, and shoes. But what would I know about ladies' fashion?

We arrived at the coffee shop a bit earlier than Anneke. I took Zee's hand in mine because she looked nervous. One of the staff was heading inside when he turned to look at us – twice. I smiled because I didn't know what else to do.

That same guy directed us to a table. I told him we were expecting others and the place had to be accessible for a pram. He nodded and took us to a spot in the middle. I sat across from Zee and told her not to worry about my sister, that everything would be fine. She grew silent – but not in a bad way.

Within ten minutes my sister strolled in. Justin was behind her, with Railey. We greeted and hugged, and everything felt good. My sister bought Zee a gift. She wished her a happy birthday as well. Then I moved over and sat next to her, my sister sat with her husband. Railey was asleep in her pram. There was a blanket draped over so we couldn't see much.

We placed our orders. Everyone chatted and we all got on like a house on fire. Anneke handed my niece over to Zee. She wasn't nervous, like me the first time I held her. She cradled the baby on her right and clasped my hand with her left. It was magical seeing her that way, with the little one.

Zee told me she wanted to have a baby – a little girl to be precise. I wanted that too, but the thought of being a father scared me now. The ladies chatted like old friends, which made me comfortable. If my sister liked her, then that was in my favour. The rest of my family would follow in the same footsteps – that was if Zee and I survived this weekend.

Zee leaned in and whispered something to my sister. I didn't worry too much. It was probably girl talk. Justin took care of the bill and then we parted ways.

We drove through town and I pointed out things I thought would be of interest to her. I told her the history behind the greengrocer and she smiled. It was beautiful how the original owner had just a wheelbarrow to collect his fresh vegetables for his regular customers, and it was romantic that his wife helped him grow from a small business into one of the biggest fruit and vegetable shops in town.

The streets were a bit quiet and there wasn't anything interesting that I could suggest, so I headed off to Naval Hill. We stopped at the security gate. The guard looked inside the car, then he checked the boot. He asked if we had anything to declare, anything like alcohol or dangerous weapons. I told him we didn't, but Zee leaned over and joked that we had drugs. That made me nervous but she laughed. She said I should lighten up, that I lacked a sense of humour. When the guard realised she was not serious he smiled, and waved us through.

As we were driving up we saw several runners trailing past. Some stopped to stretch, while others bent over to tie laces or catch their breath. After parking, we walked over to the Nelson Mandela statue.

There were a few tourists taking photos next to the iconic statue. I think that was the highest statue in the country, if not the world. The one at the Union Buildings in Pretoria did not compare. That was something we Bloemfontein people could boast about. Someone asked if he could take a photo of us, but Zee declined.

We sat on the stone wall and chatted about the things going on in my mind. She asked me if I wanted to end our relationship. I told her I didn't know what I wanted anymore.

My life was in a state of disarray. Work didn't make me happy and I barely slept at night. I also told her that I wasn't ready for marriage, or a family.

She squeezed my hand and said that was okay, we didn't have to rush anything. She told me she'd rather take it slow than force me into doing something. She said she didn't want to lose me. Another thing she mentioned was that I should see an industrial psychologist to help me understand what work I was cut out for.

She jumped off the wall and stood in front of me. Her fingers combed through my hair and I nestled my head on her chest. Kisses were raining on my crown and it felt good just to listen to the thud-thud of her beating heart. It felt like heaven just to feel her warmth and inhale her floral perfume. I was relaxed, but still my lungs cried out for a puff. I asked her if she would mind if I smoked a cigarette.

"I thought yesterday was a once off, Ray. You promised to quit and now you are going back on your word." I apologised and told her I couldn't help myself. She allowed it, but reminded me that I was ruining my body.

While I dragged on the cigarette I pointed out the school both my sisters attended. I showed her the warehouse where I worked, and she told me that was quite far out.

I showed her quite a bit that day because the view allowed it. That is when she told me that Bloemfontein was growing on her and that she liked it. When the wind picked up we got back into the car and drove around a bit, looking at the animals, the planetarium, restaurant, and whatever else came into view.

We headed back to Dan Pienaar just after 2 p.m. On the way I asked Zee if she would like to go to the cinema. She told me she wasn't keen, preferring to go back to the guesthouse to have a shower. She said she felt like she was a magnet for all the dust up on the hill.

I heard her turn on the taps in the shower and decided to close my eyes for a bit. I realised that I was calm because she was with me. Perhaps the main cause of my anxiety stemmed from the distance between us. It must have been a good few minutes when I felt her warm body curl up next to me. She had a towel wrapped around her middle and I touched her bare shoulders. She felt soft and beautiful. I really wanted her to be mine but didn't know how to get it right.

My arm hooked her waist and brought her closer to me. We slept in that spooning position. The day was ending a bit too fast for me. There was a sadness brewing deep in my heart. Soon I'd have to leave for church and wouldn't see her again anytime soon.

I told her I wasn't spending the night because I had to leave for work very early the next morning. She pleaded with me to stay with her – she told me she missed me and wanted to make use of every moment we had. I understood what she meant, but my mind wanted me to go home.

There were tears threatening to fall from her eyes, tears were already rolling out of my heart. While consoling each other we both fell asleep again. Relationships could be exhausting sometimes.

I awoke at some stage and looked at my watch. I wouldn't have made it for the evening service and Zee said she'd give me privacy to pray if I needed. I didn't feel like praying, but appreciated the offer. Then I told her I'd stay, but needed to get something to eat. She suggested pizza and I was keen on it as well. I left to pick up a chicken one for me, and a vegetarian for Zee. That was the safest option for her because the pizzeria was not halaal.

We watched _Pitch Perfect_ that evening. There wasn't much else on the other channels. Anyway, I liked Fat Amy. Zee wasn't interested in the movie but just gave me company. The movie ended about 10 p.m and I just flipped through the channels. I thought about Lesley and Cole. They were at home. Cole was recuperating after his stint in hospital. It was a good thing that they didn't join us this weekend, because I needed time alone with her.

Sometime in the middle of the night, when everything was silent, I heard Zee leave the bed. She wanted to switch the television off so that we could sleep without noise. When she got back in bed she asked me to take off my wristwatch, because the ticking wouldn't allow her to sleep.

I needed my watch close but did it to keep her happy. I kissed her goodnight and chose to sleep on my side of the bed. Being too close to her would have been too much for me. She looked hurt, but didn't say anything.

The alarm went off just before 4 a.m. I went to freshen up while Zee made us coffee. I told her not to get out of bed but she said she wanted to do it for me. I cradled my mug in my right hand and held her with the other. I kissed her head and thanked her for spending time with me.

Before we walked outside I asked her to send me a message once she reached home. Then we kissed one last time before I got on my motorbike, and rode out of the parking bay.

16

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Zee

Relief washed over me when I entered my home – my sanctuary. Bloemfontein was behind me at last.

Quickly, I punched out a message to tell him I reached home safely. To be honest I prayed that he wouldn't get too chatty with me, because I was disappointed about a lot of things.

Did I love him, or did I feel sorry for him?

Ray acknowledged my message and said I should enjoy the rest of my time off from work. Next, I looked at the gift from Anneke. It was a beautiful white orchid – I had always wanted one, it reminded me of grace, charm and poise. But that was not all – there was also a large box of chocolates. I thanked her for the kind gesture and she told me that it was such a pleasure that she got to meet me at last.

Shortly thereafter I felt ill, and every part of me lacked the drive to do anything creative. It was back to work the next day and I couldn't afford to take sick leave. Tablets and mixtures – there was no choice. I popped two headache tablets and washed it down with a hot, lemony drink. It was 2 p.m when I lay down to sleep, and just like that my alarm sounded; a new day had dawned.

The first thing I did that morning was make contact with my cousin. He was a fan of motorbikes and often went out on the racetracks. I asked him about thermal gloves and he recommended a supplier in Fourways.

Next, I poured my heart out to Zoleka and she was livid. She said I should end ties with Ray because he did nothing for me. I understood what she meant but my heart wanted me to hold on – even if it was just to fix him and make him better. Maybe then I could release him with love, if he really wanted out of the relationship.

Over the next few days there was just a single 'good morning, have a beautiful day' message from him. His insecurities drained me. I offered him help – what exactly, I didn't know. I begged him to take medication for his depression, but he refused.

I tried again, and then he blurted that he couldn't afford it – that he didn't have medical aid. My heart bled for him. Everything I offered, he turned down. He was a proud man and I respected that, but surely there had to be some way he could be helped. Or, could it be that he didn't want to be healed. Maybe he enjoyed the attention he got from people over his condition. I don't know.

How could such a gentle-natured man like Ray cause me so much pain, and feel nothing about it?

Saturday morning dawned sunny, there was still a nip in the air though. I wanted to sleep in but also knew that I had to collect the thermal gloves I ordered for Ray. There was a black pair waiting for me at the shop.

Everything in that shop roared with excitement. There was a sense of thrill that filled me. Motorbikes, all styles and colours, stood like models on a catwalk. The helmets, jackets, and boots were sexy and screamed at me. But, all I took was the pair of gloves. I tried them on and they fit perfectly – our hands were a similar size.

I rushed over to the Fourways Mall to post the gloves to Ray, a letter and a novel for Anneke. Now, I didn't know much about Ray's living conditions and never really had his home address. He was very secretive about some things, or maybe I never asked. Everything was sent off to Anneke's house.

The parcel was meant to be delivered to Anneke's home three days later. I sent her a text to say that I posted gloves for Ray because his hands were icy the last time I saw him. I also told her that things were not so great between Ray and me, that I still loved him but the depth of his love for me had changed. I asked for her guidance as well.

Hi. The parcel arrived today. So sorry to hear that because I really like you, but so difficult for me because I don't want to be the middle man between you and my brother. He hasn't spoken to me about anything, but am sure he will if he feels the need x. I hope you are okay and thinking of you xxxx

Numb. That is how I felt after reading her reply. I knew then that I was on my own, that this battle was for me alone. His family would choose him always, that much I knew. But I had this urge to reach out to his uncle and hoped that he could do something miraculous. Rob read my WhatsApp but he didn't reply immediately.

Well, I got that he was a busy man and sometimes work took priority, but this was his nephew... I don't think any of them realised how messed up Ray was. And I was just a stranger who walked into this tornado. I didn't need that in my life, but I couldn't walk away. What if he hurt himself, what if he ended his life? He did hint that was what he felt like doing when he first told me about his depressed state. _Sometimes I gave too much of me and got nothing in return._

Dearest Zee,

I will contact you somewhere over this weekend. I am just very busy with conferencing and meetings.

I hear where you are coming from and I don't have all the information, but what I can say is that if you love him so much, let go and let God. I do not know what happened to my beloved boy in the last few months in rehab. What I do know is that he is not feeling whole, and doesn't love himself so much that he can give himself to another person.

He is unsure of himself and doesn't want to hurt anyone. As the saying goes: The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Believe me, he likes you, there is nobody else in his life. What I gather is that he doesn't feel equipped to deal with a relationship right now. The only reason why it is confusing for you is because you can't see how hurt and cluttered his mind is. Release and respect his recovery time from an evil world. He will not give himself if he is not whole.

If I was you, I would realise that he actually loves you so much that he's not prepared to bugger this up. He wants to be the person he really is and his hometown is not providing that for him. One is always scared to release people, fearing that they mind find someone else along the way. That is not true.

Rob reminded me that I had to release him so that he could repair himself. And that all I could do was love him from a distance until he was ready to return. He also said that I had to take care of me, to exercise self-love. He told me he'd send me some notes of self-healing, but I never received anything. Maybe it slipped his mind, maybe he was busy still. At the end of the day, no matter how much his family claimed to like me, I would always be seen as the 'outsider'.

Ray fell deeper into that dark place that was swallowing him. The warmth in his words turned cold, uncaring. I tried to reassure him that it would be okay, but everything I said up to that point had been in vain.

On the 30th August – eleven days after my disastrous birthday weekend – the heart of love crumbled. My halo turned dark and then cascaded around me in splinters. His words were hurtful and harsh, and horrible.

_I feel like I'm in way over my head. I never intended for things to turn out this way. Like I've told you, I don't know how to deal with this anymore._ _I really, truly am sorry, Z. You deserve someone that can offer you so much more than I ever will be able to. I cannot carry on like this – I'm so sorry._

A dull throb filled my chest. The lump in my throat gave way and I sobbed. It was mid-morning, I was at work. _What couldn't he deal with anymore?_ I was the one who made the sacrifices to be with him – travelled the long distance twice, paid for things that were not in my budget, wrote long and reassuring letters. It was me. All me.

It took me years to rebuild my life after my husband passed away, it took me courage to find me again. Now, he talked about being way over his head. I couldn't understand anything he said. I believed his promises to love and cherish me – they were all turning into sweet little lies.

Zoleka walked in and saw me shattered. I told her what happened, then I showed her the message. She comforted me. What else could she do?

There was no way I could function. I needed to get out and asked my senior manager if I could leave. She was working on her laptop and didn't face me at first. Then she heard my voice crack when I apologised for requesting time off. She turned to face me and saw the pain etched across my face. She closed the door and asked me to sit with her.

I didn't really want to – but how could I disrespect her. I told her about Ray and all the empty promises, and how embarrassed I felt. I will always remember her words:

Count your blessings. You are young and beautiful. You will heal from this and love will find you. You are hurting now, but count your blessings that you found out now and not when you were married, or living with him. Let him go and never, ever, allow yourself to become his crutch. You deserve so much better.

She handed me a pack of tissues and told me to go home. The onslaught of tears was coming, I had to get out before my colleagues saw me broken that way.

That was the worst day of my life. As I turned the ignition in my car I saw a message from Lesley. She asked how I was doing and I replied that I was devastated. I couldn't type my reply but sent her a voice note telling her what happened.

I also needed reassurance from Rob. His beloved nephew just broke my heart and I needed to understand why. He never replied. Maybe he was trying to make sense of what happened, or maybe he chose not to get involved any further.

Ever since Ray and me became an item, I called my Dad less and less. And each time I did, he just cried and told me how lonely he felt. Mum and him were married for fifty years. Her death left a void in his life. Having suffered the loss of my husband six years earlier, all that felt like a recurring nightmare.

Towards the end of August my Dad became bedridden. I didn't know he had deteriorated. Nobody told me because nobody could find me. I was too busy trying to save a relationship that should never have happened in the first place. With nobody to care for him, my brother left his family and moved in with my father. With a demanding full time job, it was tough stealing time to go check on my Dad – feed him, give him his medication, bath and dress him. I was too involved with the Ray issue and I failed to find out about my Dad's health.

It was a Friday evening when my brother had to complete some work. He returned home at 11:30 p.m and realised that something was wrong. He tried to talk to my father, but there was no response.

I didn't have all the details but it seemed that my Dad took his last breath that evening, all alone and aching for his lady love – my Mum.

It saddened me that nobody was around him. Nobody held his hands when the angels came to fetch him. We were not there praying at his bedside, the way we did with Mum. What went through his mind, was he scared or was he happy that he'd be re-united with his wife? Dad was buried the next day – five months after Mum.

The last time I spoke to him on the telephone, he said he wanted to be buried next to her. That wish was not granted. On the day of the funeral the heavens cried buckets and the roads were flooded. All the graves had filled with rainwater and the ones close to Mum were not safe for burial. Dad was buried a distance away from Mum – but at least they are together now.

I chose not to attend the funeral. It was too soon after Mum. I saw part of it on video call. Five minutes was all I could take. I saw Dad's face. He was several shades darker. There was no smile, nor relief on his face. He just looked neutral.

More than that, I was riddled with guilt because I should have invested more time in my father. A few weeks earlier I called home and Dad told me how much pain he was in. I thought he said that to get me to visit him. He asked me to buy him a new bed because the one he had hurt his back. I thought he couldn't sleep on it anymore because it brought back memories of Mum. I'm glad I did that for him. I bought one online and had it delivered.

I never called Dad again because his tears were too much for me. Each time he cried my day just felt sad, and so I thought he'd be back to his normal self once he had grieved enough. What wishful thinking. I should have gone to Durban for my birthday instead of driving to Bloemfontein to be with a man who didn't know what he wanted out of life.

17

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Ray

The greater the distance I could create between Zee and me, would have made it easier. Easier for my healing perhaps, or maybe it would have been easier for her to forget me. But, she never gave up.

Every day, without fail, she sent me a message. I read each one but chose not to reply. There were no words I could use to communicate anymore.

Please take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself and don't return to that rehab place.

Zee didn't believe that the rehab place in Parys did me any good. She said if it did, I wouldn't be depressed so soon after leaving them. She was also angry that they told me not to take medication. During my time there the counsellors said I should pray really hard when the darkness tried to consume me. I prayed, but still the darkness never left me.

You are beautifully and wonderfully made. God makes no mistakes. Search deep within you to find the armour you need to heal yourself.

If you need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, if you would like to see me... please don't be too proud to ask me to come to you.

You will always hold a special place in my heart.

I pray that you realise your worth. Make your Mum proud and do good by those who love you.

I updated my relationship status on Facebook to reflect that she and I were together since the start of 2018. That was a lie, but something made me do it. She was afraid I would change my status to show that I was single again, and then she'd be embarrassed. Zee was popular and had 5000 Facebook friends. She couldn't have anymore because that was the limit.

After enduring my silence for a few days, she went through my Facebook profile and saw that a relationship status with a former girlfriend still showed. To be honest, I didn't know that girl was still on there. I told Zee I cut off ties with all my former girlfriends. But, I don't know how this one slipped through.

Why did you tell me you have no ex-lovers on your Facebook? You messed me up and now you leave me all shattered.

I didn't know what she was talking about until I saw the screen grab she sent me. That was from 2013. How could I expect her to trust me after that?

Did you even think how embarrassing it is going to be for me when my late husband's family find out? Or when you tell your Facebook friends that you are no longer with me? Have you considered my pain, my humiliation?

You hurt me more than any other man.

And all I wanted was your love.

It was never my intention to hurt her, but nothing that I said, or did, was going to change how she felt now. The hands of time can never be turned back.

If I could go back in time I'd do things differently. I'd take things slow, I'd not agree to things I wasn't ready for, and I'd love her right. But a river never flowed past the same place twice. What happened needed to happen. I am just sad that I was a mess and that I couldn't help falling in love so soon – I messed her up too by inviting her into my world of chaos and darkness.

8th September, 1:24 a.m, Zee told me that her Dad passed away. She said she needed to hear my voice.

I knew he was ill, and that he had been very lonely since the death of his wife a few months earlier. My heart was sad for my Zee. I loved her and yet this mental state made it very difficult for me to give her all of me. But I had a heart too, I lost a mother too and knew what that felt like. I plucked up the courage and sent her a few words. I wrote that I was sorry to hear about her loss, that I'd keep her and her family in my prayers during that difficult time. What else could I say?

Dearest Ray,

Thank you for your message. It meant a lot just to know you care. Mum and Dad shared a timeless love, and I am happy that they are together forever. I miss them enormously and it feels like I have lost a big part of my heart.

I miss you a great deal and think about you every day. I hope and pray that life is kind to you. Maybe someday you will allow me to hear your voice again, even if it's for a short while. Please don't hate me. I only tried my best to give you my love, with my sincerest intentions. I am also sorry that I asked for your love when you couldn't love yourself, and it must have shamed you to introduce me to your family because I am older and different.

My love for you remains constant, and I know in my heart that it will never be over for me. Maybe one day we could meet just for a chat and you can tell me where I went wrong. I am sorry that I was upset about seeing your previous love still reflecting on your Facebook timeline, and I apologise for every nasty thing I said.

Please let me know if I can still write to you, and maybe you can send me a letter once a year.

May you have peace in your heart and comfort knowing that I love you regardless of how much you reject me. Thank you for sharing your time and love with me.

I miss us, I miss your morning messages and goodnight wishes. I really hope you will make contact with me again. I don't know how to stop loving you.

Take care my sweet, precious man.

You were, and always will be, my forever love.

18

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Zee

Ray and I chatted less and less. I called him, but it always ended sadly for me. I had to force the words out of him, his phone was still faulty and I couldn't hear him either.

Then, one day, he stopped taking my calls. His silence planted seeds of pain in my chest and each day that pain grew, every day it throbbed. I had nobody to speak to.

I tried to call Cole but he didn't pick up. I sent him a message and saw that he read it, but didn't reply. What was going on? What did Ray tell them about me? Or, was it that they didn't know what to say to me?

" _Dear Cole,_

How are you and your family? I tried calling you but it wasn't meant to be. If you can, please check on Ray for me. I have no way of reaching him anymore and it hurts not knowing if he is okay. I miss him, still love him, but he seems to have moved on – without me. If he needs anything, please let me know. Take care, sweet Cole. I am so glad that I got the chance to meet you and I wish you all that your heart desires. Sincere regards, Zee."

That was the last message I sent Cole. The same Cole who had beautiful, gentle eyes. The one who came out to meet me the first time I went to Bloemfontein. We got on like a house on fire that first time. The Cole who invited me to his home to see his horses and pigs – well, he didn't know that pigs were forbidden in Islam so one could forgive him. The Cole who reassured me that Ray would never hurt me, or cheat on me.

Well, that same Cole blocked me on WhatsApp. No explanation, nothing. He. Cut. Me. Off. Just like that. Yes, I was grasping at straws just to reach out to Ray. It was not my intention to make anyone feel uncomfortable, or to make them feel like they had to take sides.

Losing Cole's support like that made me feel like an idiot. I wanted to know what Ray said about me, if anything? I tried to ask Ray if he turned his friends against me but it felt like drawing blood out of a stone, like I was talking to a wall. That made me feel helpless and it was so unnecessary.

It took me years to rebuild my life after my husband passed away, and I was doing well. People noticed it and I felt it too. Then when I was ready to turn over a new leaf, Ray came into my life and turned it upside down. He promised he'd never hurt me, I believed him. But look at where I was now – sitting alone and feeling so bloody cold in the middle of spring. Everything was blooming and beautiful, all the dried wood from winter was coming back to life, but I felt so dead inside.

Rayleigh turned three months old. That was a big deal for me. I loved that little girl child like she was my own. I sent Anneke a message requesting that she give my princess three tender kisses and a soul-enriching hug from me. I also asked about Justin and then wished her a beautiful day. It felt weird because she knew things had gone south between Ray and me.

" _Thank you for the message xxx. Hope you are doing well??"_

I replied that I wasn't really well. That I didn't know what went wrong and that I still loved him so much.

" _I'm thinking of you. He doesn't say much when I ask, so I don't want to push it too much. Xx wish I could give you an answer."_

I told her that I wasn't giving up on him. Then I told her about our time up on Naval Hill and how I felt like we had connected on a deeper level – that things felt like they would work out if we just supported each other. His depression and anxiety had returned, but he refused my help. _So what good did that rehab do for him over the seven months he spent there?_ I asked Anneke to love him for me, and when he was okay to remind him that I still loved him for his beautiful heart and believed in all the plans we had for us.

When I couldn't get hold of Ray on the day Dad died, I sent Anneke a voice note. I cried so much, but hoped she understood me through all the sobs and heaves of breath.

Maybe, just maybe she was the one who convinced Ray to make contact with me. I guess I'll never know now. Anneke, Ray's uncle Rob, and his cousin, were still my Facebook friends. And so was Ray. Why couldn't he just delete me? Why did he want me as a social media friend? He chose to ignore me, so I couldn't understand what game he played.

" _Sorry to hear that my dear friend xxxx. You and your family are in my prayers xxxxxx. Words can't even describe how much my heart breaks for you xxx."_

I believed Anneke's sincerity. Since my first chat with her, and then meeting her for coffee on my birthday, made me realise that she had a beautiful heart.

When Ray was a complete mess after he returned from the Northern Cape, she and her husband came to his rescue. In a way, they saved his life. The rehab didn't do much for him – I believed it didn't – but at least it bought Ray some time to realise that his sister loved him.

Sadly, while his love for her grew, the love he showered on me and then took back hurt me in ways I will never understand.

My only hope was Ray's uncle. He believed that Ray loved me, but needed to climb out of the dark hole he landed in. He advised that I needed to protect my heart through all of this and believe that he'd return when the time was right.

I believed him. I waited for the self-love notes he said he'd send me on email, but nothing arrived. I decided to give it one last try and send him a reminder. I also felt ashamed that I told him through buckets of tears that Ray chose to cut me off a few days earlier.

I hated feeling so helpless, I didn't deserve it. Why did God punish me that way? Why did my prayers for love get lost? I had so much love to give and yet I showered it on all the wrong people. It didn't feel right to address him by his first name and settled on the surname.

Dear Mr V,

At a time when I was tearful, afraid and heartbroken, all I could think of was you. I am sorry, and deeply ashamed of my voice notes. Please forgive me. That must have thrown you off guard, especially at a time when the hospitality industry is crazy hectic. I promise I will be stronger next time.

_This is all very confusing for me. To make matters worse we buried my dad this past Saturday – 5 months after Mum – and it is gut wrenching agony for me at the moment. I feel totally lost without Ray. I haven't spoken to him since the 30_ th _of August, and it feels strange because we spoke every day since we started our courtship. He told me he feels he is in way over his head and doesn't know what to do anymore. I ache for him, and worry, not knowing if he is okay. I do send him messages to remind him that I love him, he reads them but doesn't respond._

Mr V, you were going to share some notes on self-love with me. When you have a moment please send them to me, and I will give it my all to master the skills of putting myself first and trusting the process.

I am so scared to ask, but please help me reach out to him. If you do speak to him, please remind him that my love for him is constant, and my intentions are pure and innocent. I am afraid of losing him, but in my heart I know that it is not over.

And about you. How is life treating you? I hope and pray that your new partner is growing closer to you and that you will both be the missing puzzle pieces in each other's lives. My heart bursts with joy when love flourishes. I wish you both every happiness. Perhaps one day, if you are in Bloemfontein or if Ray agrees to visit you, then I can meet you and surprise him at the same time.

You have a birthday coming up. I thought it was in September but Facebook has it listed as 7 October. I do hope I get the chance to wish you on the day.

Stay kind and beautiful always,

Zee

After I sent the message to him I placed an order for a potted plant and chocolates, to be delivered to his work address. I wrote that it was from Ray and me. The gift service sent me a message to say that the delivery reached its destination, but there was no acknowledgement from him.

Maybe Rob was like another Cole. He deserted me because he didn't want to take sides. And if he did, he'd choose his nephew. I was a nobody to him and my shattered heart would never really make a difference.

Tomorrow is Rob's birthday and I am stubborn. I will send him a birthday message, because birthdays are beautiful celebrations.

At the start of our relationship I sent a friend request to Ray's father on Facebook. He didn't accept it, or maybe he didn't see it. I never read too much into that.

Patrick. I needed to make contact with him because Ray lived under his roof. It was not my intention to cause any trouble, I just wanted someone to take Ray's mental state seriously. I. Just. Wanted. Someone. To. Care.

Once, Ray mentioned that his father worked for a car manufacturing company. I applied my investigative skills and it led me to a dead end. I called the head office in Johannesburg and asked the HR department for Patrick V's details. I said it was a personal matter and needed to make contact.

A young lady gave me a number in Bloemfontein and said that he worked in Durban... or maybe I got that part wrong. Anyway, I dialled the number and asked for him.

The woman on the other end said he was not based there and that is when I cursed under my breath. But... she said he worked in secondhand sales and gave me his number. She probably thought it was about a vehicle purchase. I scribbled his number on my desk calendar.

What was I going to do now? Should I call him, or send an SMS? Would Ray be upset with me?

Well at that point I really didn't care. There was no way I could walk away from the situation. Yes, I could handle a broken heart, but if he took his life then there was no way I could live with his blood on my conscience.

I punched out a message to Patrick. He didn't respond and I left it at that.

Hi Mr V. I mean no disrespect by contacting you this way, but need to chat about a confidential matter. With your permission, may I please call you next Tuesday?

Regards

Zee

That was the longest weekend yet. I had no idea what I was going to say to the father of the man who complicated my life, the man who asked me to give him a chance, the one who said he was different and would never dream of hurting me – that same man who wanted to marry me the one month and went cold turkey on me the next.

Ray was tangled in a web of darkness; I could see it in his gaze and read it in his words. It was not his fault, he never asked to be that way. But, how I wished he'd given himself more time to recover – and never encouraged a relationship with me.

I know that one day I will be okay, and on that day I know I will still love him and care, and be concerned about him. I know that one day I will return to Bloemfontein to relive the memories, and maybe Ray would meet me just for a chat. A chat that would help us unpack things, and heal everything that hurt us, some closure. I could never hate someone like him – even after everything he did to me, that isn't what happens when you start with love.

I called Ray's father early on Tuesday. He greeted in Afrikaans, and I wanted to respond in the language he was comfortable with but didn't think it would be wise. If I did, then I'd be in pretend mode.

The first thing he asked me was what was my connection with his son. That stumped me a bit. How was I to explain that his son and me – we were an item a few weeks ago, how could I tell him that I pined for a young man who was bleeding in silence?

Should I tell him the truth, could I do it?

Instead of a long drawn out lie I simply told him that Ray and I dated, but that he had since ended ties with me. He didn't sound upset, but gave me the chance to speak.

I told him that I was concerned, that I was afraid Ray's depression was back and I didn't know how to help him. I was relieved to hear him say that he'd watch him closely.

He seemed kind and gentle, and understanding. The same gentleness I sensed in Rob's words. Ray's Dad and Rob were brothers. I thought he'd be arrogant and lash out at me. I appreciated the time he gave me. I also respected that work took priority and chose not to take up too much of his time.

Before ending the call I told him that I'd always be there for Ray, and if he needed anything he shouldn't hesitate to ask. Sometimes I made offers just because I cared and didn't consider the consequences. Mum warned me that was a weakness I had to work on.

The call ended quickly, and once I'd hung up the phone I wondered what went through that man's mind. Did he think I was some weird woman, did he think I had ulterior motives?

Two weeks went by and still the ice around Ray's heart didn't melt. I hoped that his father didn't lash out at him for his weakness, I prayed that his dad was able to get through to him. After all my efforts, Ray still made no attempt to reach out to me. I was worried that his father may have not been happy with my interference, but what else could I do? I was prepared to walk away if the situation was well under control, if his family took his depression seriously – I didn't feel right leaving the matter hovering in the air.

On 5th October I sent Ray's father a WhatsApp message, hoping to get some kind of feedback.

_Hi Mr V. This is Zee. Just thinking about my Ray and hoping he is getting better. I miss him and still love him. Thank you for being there for him. Please take care of you as well._ _Regards, Z._

All I got were two blue ticks indicating that he'd read my message, but like his son the man didn't utter or type a word. I hoped that everything was under control at least.

My worry did me no good. My eyes hurt, the circles under my eyes were darker, I felt hunger but couldn't eat. I. Was. A. Mess. If I felt helpless with a Ray who seemed to suffer from a bout of voicelessness, I felt worse that no member of his family – or even friends – could give me peace of mind.

I wondered if that was an Afrikaans thing, a Bloemfontein thing, or if Ray was such a lost and wandering soul that people were at their wits end with him. I just needed some hope, some light... anything that could indicate if I should fight harder for a breakthrough or release things and walk away – forever.

It drained me and I experienced an onslaught of so many things – I had no desire to work but forced myself through the days, tears fell without warning and nobody understood me. I showed signs of depression as well and it scared the hell out of me.

19

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Zee

Hi,

I'm sorry that happened, but you didn't do anything wrong because it isn't about you. You only knew him for a short period, so in all seriousness you didn't really know him. Maybe he wanted to try and wasn't ready.

You can only help people if they want help, and it seems like you did what you could. I would walk away, and when he is ready to come out and talk again, you can be there if you choose.

All my best,

Caren

I don't know Caren personally. She is a blogger from America who is on a mission of self-discovery. She is a survivor of sexual abuse and struggled for years with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, a lack of self-love and relationship issues. She found her purpose through writing and sharing her story.

Reading about her courage and conviction made it feel like she was writing about me. And so, one evening I asked for her guidance through her 'contact us' page. I never expected a reply, but it came.

October was mental health awareness month. I never knew that until I started seeing people come out to shed light on their depression. I knocked on doors to ask for guidance, and understanding on dealing with Ray's situation. Some people felt sorry for me, and others said I should close the book and walk away. My heart refused to abandon him.

In an email discussion with a soulful woman I have grown to admire and respect, she cut straight to the heart of the matter. She told me she would not have put up with such nonsense from a man. She pointed out that depression was an illness that came without request, but she said she'd never open herself up for hurt.

" _I'm a very strong woman. I take shit from no one. I know that depression is real but if someone messes me around I would replace him, because my heart and emotions are just as precious as his. He should try probiotics, it's been proven that physical depression starts in the gut. However, if his condition is purely mental and it's because he can't let the past go to embrace today and his future, well then you can't save him. But then again, maybe you are meant to be with this man to show him that love exists, and is real and patient and kind. But, I do worry about you."_

Another friend, Faeeq, who gives me something to laugh about every day, is also battling depression. We've been online friends for years and haven't met in person, but I feel like I've known him since forever. I gave him a rundown of the Ray situation and he told me things, a lot of things.

" _I'm sorry to hear this. Must be hell for you right now."_

I told Faeeq that Ray shut me out without explanation, and that I needed to understand his condition and what goes through the mind of a depressed person.

" _You need to let him go as a lover."_

" _Step back and approach it like a really good friend who has his back."_

" _I've seen this before, where people get sucked into other people's demons."_

" _That doesn't mean you shouldn't leave space for a future. Be pragmatic."_

" _If he is shutting you out, then he is coping in the best way he knows."_

" _Your compassion for him doesn't need to stop either."_

" _Depressed people react in different ways. There is no modus operandi."_

Faeeq mentioned that perhaps Ray was not being truthful. And I wondered about this. Was he making up stories about his depression because he wanted out of the relationship, was he seeing another woman? I mean, he lied about having something engraved for me, he broke his promise to always be around, I never received the letter he claimed he wrote. _What did I get myself into?_

" _I would go to see him, unannounced. But you need to go with an agenda."_

I wouldn't know where to find him. Ray never told me where he lived... exactly.

Maybe I should have asked, but he was silent about some things in life. His address was one of those things. All I remembered was that he lived next door to the Olive Hill Country Lodge, where I planned to stay once but changed my mind. I got the impression that he lived on a smallholding – somewhere.

" _The agenda needs to be exactly how you can be of help as a friend. If he can't, or won't respond, then it's no use being persistent. The other agenda point needs to be closure. For you."_

I agreed that I needed closure but didn't know how to get it. Ray just shut the door in my face, and yes he was hurting, but I was dying inside and couldn't understand why this pain had to be inflicted on me. Life was coming up roses until then. It sounded harsh, but that was the truth.

" _I think that you need to know he is in capable hands. That he is taking his medication and meeting his doctor's appointments."_

That was just the thing - I didn't know. His family's silence on the matter only made things worse. I told Faeeq that Ray was close to his mother, but she was killed in a car crash along with his eldest sister. They were on their way to Cape Town, his father was driving. His Mum and sister were asleep. It was in the early hours of the morning when it happened. Both women were flung out of the vehicle and killed instantly.

Well, that is what Ray told me. He also told me he went for counselling, but didn't find it helped him in any way. He told me the counsellor expected him to apportion blame somewhere, but he couldn't. He accepted that their deaths were a part of life.

I asked him if he was angry with his father, but he said he wasn't angry with anyone. He told me he couldn't blame anyone, nobody was at fault. Everyone was tired and the crash happened.

" _That's hard stuff he's dealing with."_

I also mentioned that the rehab place cautioned him against taking medication. That he had to be so strong and have absolute faith in God. Now, I was no basher of religious beliefs, but Ray had a mental condition and needed to pop pills every now and then just to help him cope.

Ray was not a strong person, which reminded me what Cole said the first time we chatted on the phone. Ray was a follower – not someone who could lead. He also told me he didn't have the funds to go on medication because he had no medical aid. The rehab place was a non-profit organisation.

" _That is nonsense. Bloemfontein has one of the best state hospitals that treats people with depression. He can go for his consults there and also get the medication free, or maybe he'd have to pay a small fee. But you can pay for a consultation for him, can't you?"_

Yes I could. I offered my help but Ray was too proud. If I helped, that would have made him feel less of a man. I tried to make him understand that it would not be forever, but my offers just seemed to make him more upset.

A few days after chatting to Faeeq, the darkness filled his space too. I mean just the other day he gave me advice on how to handle Ray and today he felt the piercings of doom and gloom. I wouldn't have known if he didn't post it on Facebook.

It's the self-loathing today. The hatred of my face in the mirror. The hatred of my entire body. The hatred of the way my brain is wired to eat my mind. The hatred of how I can't string two words about how I feel together without falling apart – not even two words to myself. The hatred of how quickly I am dying inside. The hatred of how slow the outside of me is catching up to the corpse I feel I'm starting to become inside. The hatred of how this disease has rendered me of no worth to anything, or anyone. I wish depression on no one.

My heart bled for Faeeq. I sent him a message and reminded him that he was special to me, and that I'd always be around for him. He acknowledged me and sent me two red hearts. That's what friends are for I guess. Love. And. Support.

I read personal blogs on dealing with depression and anxiety. I devoured any reading material I could find on the topic. There were comments and information on the South African Depression and Anxiety Group's website – I read everything until my eyes hurt. Someone once said that the eyes hurt because one was afraid of visualising the future. Maybe I was afraid of how things would turn out between Ray and me – if it ever did, or it could leave me suckling for answers that would never come.

There was also another person who was so angry with Ray. She despised him for all the hurt he brought into my life. One day I was chatting to her about returning to Bloemfontein, just to be there for him, to try and understand how something so beautiful could turn so ugly in a matter of weeks, when she retorted: "Why can't you just let it go? He dumped you. He doesn't want anything to do with you. He fucked up your life and still you want to make things right!"

Those words were like a sharp dagger lodged in my heart. I swallowed hard to stop myself from crying. Nobody messed my life up. Not Ray, not me. It was just meant to happen the way it did. I didn't responded to the comment.

She never knew Ray the way I did. He was kind and gentle, and made me feel whole during our time together. Things just changed. I don't think he chose to hurt me.

Sometimes I wished I'd get the chance to just be there for him, and hug him really tight. He loved hugs, he loved physical contact – he told me so many times. That was the catalyst that drove me to write this book. I felt like I was holding onto empty hope. I needed to release him so that he could work on himself.

People suffering with depression are not bad. They just build walls around themselves because they don't know what else to do. Many years before Ray walked into my life, it may have been 2012, he posted on Facebook that people built walls not to keep anyone out, but to see who cared enough to break those walls down.

Couldn't he see I was trying to do just that?

I chose to send him my last letter before giving him real space. I really tried to give him what he needed, but it was so damn hard.

My special lady person, Josey, returned from maternity leave this week. We caught up about the new baby, and her adjustment to being a mother again after her daughter was born eight years ago. Then she wanted an update on my love life and I gave her the lowdown.

Now Joey is not one to mince her words, and when she shoots her arrows are straighter than straight. She said: "No, no my dear. Look at you. You are beautiful and so full of life. Leave him."

She told me I should not be the one chasing him, it should be the other way around. She also reminded me that I worked hard to build my life and a man like Ray would make it all coming tumbling down. Whatever Joey told me, I heard from other people too. But she and I shared something special and that was the reason I accepted her words as the truth to heal my pain. I had to let him go.

Ray needed to know that I cared for him, and that I believed in him. There had to be something I could send him that gave him hope each time he looked at it. I went to my local shopping centre because I just needed to get away from home. Everything inside my haven was now making me feel claustrophobic.

There was one shop I passed. I had been inside it just once before, and loved all the creative things that made it so difficult for me to choose. My heart told me to step inside.

There were frames and cards and ornaments. Just then I saw it, a silver cross held together with leather straps. That would look perfect on Ray's hand, I thought. He was the sort who wore bangles and beads on both wrists. Was it a cool dude image, I don't know. I didn't like it though, because it made him look scruffy. I took the cross bangle, and as I was making my way to the cashier I found something else. It was like the universe directed me to it. It was a small ceramic tile with the words:

"As ek jou enigiets in die lewe kon gee, sou dit stilte in jou hart wees sodat jy dit wat oor jou pad kom met kalmte kon aanpak." – _Pam Brown_

Those words were exactly what I would have said to him. I would have said that if there was anything I could give or wish for him, it would be stillness in his heart so that he could find the courage to overcome anything in his path. But Ray wouldn't speak to me.

With the days becoming weeks, and turning into months, I doubted ever hearing his manly voice again. I posted the items to him but I don't know if he received them. The track-and-trace showed that it reached Anneke's home and her helper signed for it, but I don't know if Ray opened the package.

He made me feel unloved and unwanted. Come to think of it, maybe that's how he saw any item from me now. I wouldn't be surprised if he gave away the wristwatch and wallet I gave him the first time we met.

He had changed so much. From a warm, loving man, he had turned so cold. I felt like it was all a terrible nightmare and hoped that I could awake from it. But sometimes those nightmares, even those dreams, are manifestations of what we needed to understand, to see and to accept. I was just too stubborn to acknowledge anything. I just wanted to have Ray back with me.

Dearest Ray,

This is the hardest email I have written yet. I tremble and quiver with a sadness that will never leave me. Your silence is hurting me in ways I will never understand. And I can't stop loving you. My heart tells me you will come back and I pray every day that God hears me.

Yesterday was a turning point for me. Two things, I sent you two small tokens of my love and a letter. They were sent to your sister's house because I don't know if your address is correct. Please accept it, because I give it with a sincere heart.

The other thing that stabbed me in the heart was to hear someone say that you created havoc in my life. I died a thousand deaths hearing her say that, she doesn't know you the way I do. I don't believe you used me, but those words hurt me.

Last night I met a friend – she is a life coach – who counselled me because I was at breaking point. She said that if I believed in us, then I will visualize it and let the universe take care of the rest. She also told me that we both deserve love and happiness; that I should give you the space to find what you are searching for and to mend what is broken.

She thinks I am broken too. I am so sorry for rushing you, asking you to marry me on my birthday. I didn't realise I was doing that. I believed you really wanted to be with me. I'm going to miss you and don't know how I will survive. But... I am going to remain faithful and loyal to what we shared.

Every moment we spent together is a memory that I will treasure in my heart. Ray, I don't know if you are ending things with me. If you are, then I have no closure because you don't say anything. Please understand that my love for you is pure and real.

Please forgive me for my weaknesses and anything that I may have done wrong. Please ask Anneke to send me photos of Railey every now and then, because I fell in love with her. I wanted to be her role model and the woman she could look up to. I miss Cole and his family, I never got to meet your gran – it would have been the closest I could get to your Mum.

_I love you, Ray V, and I am releasing you with so much peace. I am not cutting off ties with you, but giving you the respect and space you need in your life right now. Please believe in you. I will_ _pray for you every day._

Ray, I am leaving the door open for you, and when you are ready please help me repair what broke between us.

Remember, my love,

• _A moment of patience in a moment of anger, saves you a hundred moments of regret._

• _Never make a promise when you are happy._

• _Never make a decision when you are sad._

I love you forever,

Zee

Sunday, 7th October 2018.

It was Rob's birthday. I sent Ray a messaging asking him to call his uncle because he'd appreciate it. I also sent him a happy 50th birthday message, because like I always believed, no matter how much hurt you were going through there was nothing stopping you from spreading a little joy in another person's life. And each birthday was different and that was the reason we had to forget about what went wrong and treat people well, be kind and shower them with love.

Rob reminded me of an old soul, an earthly person who saw goodness in everyone. He took warmly to me the first time I made contact. With the way things turned out between Ray and me, I don't know if Rob would still want contact with me. Blood was thicker than water. He'd choose Ray over me.

I had so much hope for Ray's healing, there was still an ocean of love for him in my heart. Our meeting was divinely orchestrated. I believed in him. God had a plan and a lesson for us – Ray and me. One day, that lesson will be revealed. For me, Ray was for a season and a reason. Today all I could do was love him from a distance – just about 400 kilometres apart. Him in the oasis of tranquility and me in the bustling Johannesburg city.

After dealing with depressed people and reading all the literature I could get my hands on, I wondered if I was depressed too? At first I was ashamed to admit it, but the signs were there. I couldn't cope, or maybe I didn't want to cope. Sleep abandoned me, I think. Every night I went to bed, said my prayers and closed my eyes. But in the morning, I awoke with dark circles around my eyes and waves of exhaustion.

Clearly my mind was not at rest. I didn't want any more suffering. I had suffered enough after my husband passed away, when I had to rebuild my life from scratch.

My GP knew a psychiatrist; Dr Zahir Motala came highly recommended. That was good and bad. He was fully booked for four months down the line. I didn't want anyone else and the universe spun it in my favour. Someone cancelled an appointment and opened a space for me.

Walking into his sessional rooms in Mayfair was shaming. I was too strong to be depressed, right? Now, I knew he was providing a service and would be paid for it, but I think he gave me more than that. He helped me realise my self-worth, he also told me not to feel hurt that things didn't work out.

I had always thought that such doctors encouraged their patients to find the source of their anger and work through it for healing. He asked me if I was angry with anyone. No, I wasn't. Disappointed maybe, but not angry. I mean anger just burnt you to an ash, it made you bitter and I had no place in my life for that.

We chatted for a while, a long while. I talked and he listened, then he said words and I appreciated it. There was a red couch on my left. I thought he'd ask me to lie on it while he sat at his desk taking notes, you know like we saw in the movies. But this doctor just let me be. Cross-legged, I sat on the red swing chair across from him. It was all good.

Somewhere in the middle of the word exchange between us, he said he was prescribing anti-depressants – but only for a short period. I hated pills. Cilate and Urbanol. One had to be cut in half and taken every morning for six days. The other one had to be taken in the morning for seven days, and then three times a day for two weeks. The final course had to be taken twice a day for two weeks.

How would I remember all this? What if I forgot, or took more than I should? Capsules, tablets, pills... they're all the same. I hate them. I saw what those things did to my mother and my husband. Longterm use just damaged the kidneys. Then you needed dialysis – thrice weekly sometimes. I didn't want any of that. But let's face it, I was not coping on my own.

He also didn't want me to depend on medication for all the days of my life. He believed I didn't need it. My heart was hurting and my mindset was a bit warped, but I was going to be okay, I was going to bounce back. He believed it. I trusted him, but I trusted myself more.

I walked out of his rooms 45 minutes later with the script in hand and a sick note for work. I was not physically ill but I needed sleep. My mind, my body, my soul, were tired. If I didn't follow the course, I wouldn't know if it worked or not. He didn't ask me to book a follow up appointment. Most doctors do. That would have been too much pressure on me.

How could I take another day off work when there was so much to do? Come to think of it, this was the first time I had taken so many days off just to cope, just to cry, to fall apart away from prying eyes. I appreciated the way this doctor worked. He was one of the few who believed that I'd return if there was a need. I guess we would see six months from today.

_Let the people know that I am popping pills, but I ain't no nutcase. Swallowing anti-depressants was nothing to be ashamed of_. This was my daily mantra.

After the blistering hot sun, the skies turned grey. I heard the rumbling thunder in the distance. Soon the clouds would give way and there'd be a downpour to wash away our sins, our sadness. Whatever was washed away was replaced with something better. I really believed that.

Ray, all that you wished for, prayed for, will be delivered one day. Never lose hope. Tonight, you and I will sleep underneath this same sky, many, many miles apart. I pray that you are comfortable and safe, wherever you may be. I wish you an abundance of your heart's desires.

Goodnight Ray, so long my Veltie.

20

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Zee

My mind, my body, was shutting down. I couldn't cope. There were days when it took me three hours to write a single sentence at work. Pills were popped as and when needed, but I didn't sense any difference. I felt guilty, but I couldn't talk about it to anyone.

I thought about him every. single. day. Oh yeah, he started this new thing. He stopped responding to my Facebook messages, he stopped reading my WhatsApp messages, and he wouldn't answer my calls.

I wondered about his family too. Were they trying to get him the help he needed, or did they think I was interfering in matters that didn't concern me?

One of his family members, I choose not to mention the name for obvious reasons, became my confidante. I sent a WhatsApp saying I didn't know what to do anymore and I was losing my mind.

Listen woman, close that chapter and move on. Can't you see what all this is doing to you? Forget him, you will find Mr Right.

Yes, all that made sense but it wasn't easy. I decided to take some time from work and go home to Durban. Only a handful of people knew I was visiting. This visit was very specific. I wanted to visit my parents' home for the last time, visit their graves, and spend two nights at the Southern Sun _Elangeni_ , my favourite hotel.

I told my cousin Raeesa – she knew about Ray, because whenever I felt like crap I spoke to her. I got the feeling that she wasn't keen on him for me. "To hell with such men. They are very eager to date us and promise us the world, but it when it comes to crunch time they panic and run a mile." The other person who knew was my sister, Nadia.

Well, that is exactly what Ray did to me. I have a video on my phone where he speaks of his deep, binding, and encompassing love. How much he wanted to be with me and have a complete family. Bulldust. Those were just pretty words he painted on the blank canvas of promises to me.

I chose to drive to Durban and left Johannesburg at 10:30p.m on 19th October 2018. Nobody knew I was driving that late or they would have stopped me, but I am not afraid of much.

Close to Harrismith I struggled to keep my eyes open, and decided to stop at Montrose for a coffee and vegetarian wrap. While regaining my strength and staving off my fatigue, the storm started. I sent my sister a WhatsApp and she begged me to stay put until the rain eased up a bit. I said yes, but I didn't listen. I ran to my car in the pitch blackness and started the second half of my journey.

At 6:30 p.m I arrived home. I parked in front of my parents' house and desperately hoped to see my Mum moved the curtains, or my Dad rattle the keys to get the gate unlocked. Nothing. Everything looked dead.

My sister and her husband arrived shortly thereafter, and I asked if I could go inside first. As I walked through the house I could feel their presence. Nothing scary, just them waiting to see me 'home' for the last time. My sister said a prayer, and then I took something belonging to each of my folks in remembrance of them.

Next, I followed my sister to my parents' grave. They didn't want me to travel alone because that stretch of road wasn't safe. Anyway, we got there fine and I went to Mum's grave first. I kneeled and smoothed the soil on her grave. I placed a few flowers as well – roses, sunflowers, and some purple flowers. Some may find it strange, or say it is forbidden to speak to the dead. – but she was my mother and I spoke to her. I thanked her for her love, and everything she did for my siblings and myself. We grew up in a humble home, but she always tried to give us rich dreams.

A few days after my mother passed away my Dad asked to be buried next to her grave – but because of the inclement weather and the available graves full of rainwater, Dad had to be buried in a different section of that cemetery. This taught me that we don't always get our wishes in life.

Standing at Dad's grave for the first time was weird. He was so full of life and jokes. I really believed he was going to be around forever, but God's plan for our life is definite. I believed that much. I placed similar flowers on Dad's grave, ran my hands over the soil and said a prayer. Then we left – my sister went home and I went to my hotel.

I wrote a bit on my laptop, and answered a few calls from the friends and family who'd heard I was in town. One friend I really wanted to see told me he was tied up in meetings, and that made me feel sad. He was also a reason I came to Durban, to meet him again.

The first time we met was at a place in Rivonia, Sandton, and at first he was cold towards me but then we started talking – I liked him, but Ray was still in my life.

Thirty minutes after settling down with my words, there was a soft tap at the door. I wasn't expecting anyone and didn't think much about it. I unlocked the door and there he stood, smiling so sweetly... that friend who said he couldn't see me because of his workload.

I hugged him, without thinking if it was the right thing to do. Remember, I didn't know him very well. He sat on the single sofa near the window and told me how hectic his schedule was. He had a lucrative business and was also some sort of a deadlifting champion...I think. He looked like the Hulk, the cartoon character. I wondered how he got his clothes to fit him, or whether he had each item tailor made.

He couldn't stay long because of his scheduled meetings, but it was rather kind of him to make the time for me. We spoke about how Durban was changing – his friend had apparently been shot the night before, he spoke about his brother and parents, and how tired he was feeling.

I spoke about visiting my family that morning and the drive that made me tired. My heart melted with appreciation when he said he would have flown to Johannesburg and driven with me to Durban, so I wouldn't have to do it on my own. There were two black dresses laid out on the bed. I couldn't decide which one to wear that night. I was going to Daruma, my favourite Japanese restaurant.

"Either one would look good on you."

I don't know if he meant it, or just couldn't decide. He left me after two hours, and when he said goodbye my heart sank, but I couldn't tell him that.

I wore the crocheted dress with a matching scarf, and a pair of gold heeled shoes, and made my way down to the restaurant. I was a few minutes too early.

Instead of wasting time I took a few selfies in different parts of the hotel and restaurant. Then the waiter showed me to my seat. I laughed because he placed me at the first teppanyaki table, with the only couple there. I was on my on my own.

The meal was divine. I had the miso soup for starters, swopped the meat combo for chicken, and dessert was my favourite – deep fried ice-cream. I was done by 9:30 p.m.

My cousin wanted to take me out, but we cancelled because of the rain. In any case, I was too exhausted after that long drive. We intended to do something before I left, and I left the planning to her.

I dragged myself to my bedroom after settling my bill, and don't know how I managed to get into my PJs. I switched the TV on, charged my phone, rolled onto my side, and before I knew it the morning sun was up; surfers were catching waves and I felt peaceful.

There were some elderly folks strolling along Durban's golden mile, others were running, and the crafters were selling their wares to the tourists. I took a quick shower and went down to have breakfast.

At 11 a.m, a Facebook friend I had never met before, came to visit. When I saw her I knew that she was a kind soul. I hugged her as she entered my hotel room, and she made me feel special.

We chatted about life and religion, and depression, and how hard it is to overcome it sometimes. I can't say for certain if she had been depressed, and it didn't feel right to ask her. I was so glad to hear that she was starting a new job the next day. Apparently, she had been looking for employment for a while now and finally she'd found something.

She left just before lunch when my friend, Adam, called to say he was leaving Westville and was on his way to take me to Vapor Café, an okay-ish restaurant on Florida Road. We had lunch there, and it wasn't very rowdy because the crowds usually came out in their numbers at night.

I poured my heart out to Adam. He spoke about how his business had taken a dip, but he was hopeful that the economic climate would turn around soon.

How could I tell him I was on medication for depression? "Adam, I'm seeing a psychiatrist." His eyes looked like saucers, I don't think he expected to hear that from me. "I am also taking pills for depression, and sometimes I pop a sleeping pill when the sandman fails to come take me away."

I explained that this thing with Ray messed me up in the worst possible way.

He didn't laugh or show pity. "Listen, I know you better than you think, Zee. You're not depressed. Right now you are just feeling down because some idiot from Bloemfontein broke your heart. And thank the Lord that he did, because you are far too special for some dumbass." I didn't like how he described Ray, but a lot of what he said made sense.

What if Ray moved to Johannesburg and we'd bought a place together? What if he went through bouts of highs and lows? I don't think I would have been able to handle the pressure of caring for someone who was clearly depressed.

"You don't need those pills. Throw them away and go spend a weekend at a Spa. Get a massage, facial, and the works. Surround yourself with people who uplift and inspire you." I nodded, and that was the end of the Ray discussion.

I wasn't very hungry and settled on a simple Durban-style lamb curry, and a passion fruit lemonade. Right now, I can't remember what my friend had. He dropped me off at the hotel and rushed off to a child's Superman-themed birthday party. I lay on the bed and listened to the calming ocean. Then I switched on the television and flicked through the channels.

I was leaving Durban the next day and my heart just sank. Life was stress free over those two days. No work reports, no depressed Ray, no need to check my phone to see if he'd made contact. Nothing. Everything was absolutely blissful that weekend.

Later that evening I went out for supper with another of my social media mortal enemies, A.K. Just kidding. We fight like cat and dog on Facebook, but I know his heart is in a good place. The rain started spitting and I was stressed that my well-ironed hair was going to get all frizzy. But it wasn't that bad.

He had a tikka chicken with some special type of roti – that wasn't perfectly round and that glistened with all that ghee. I had the butter chicken with basmati rice. We both had masala tea, which was far too spicy for me. But, I was too polite to say anything.

That weekend ended too soon. I didn't get the chance to meet my cousin, but she understood. She was just glad that I'd enjoyed my stay and felt refreshed.

21

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Zee

So much had happened in just a few weeks. I felt love, sincerity, irritation, heartbreak and confusion, one by one and then all together.

Nothing in life was ever in vain. If I had not met Ray I would never have known that depression and anxiety was real. That people smile sometimes and we think they're happy, and the next thing you know they've committed suicide. My own research helped me to realise that some people are the life and soul of a party, we call them socialites. They have millions of followers on social media, but most of them are the loneliest. They go to bed alone, awake alone, and sometimes they consume alcohol and take pills to help them cope. It is a sad, sad thing.

I would never have known that mental health issues were pretty deep and common all over the world. Yes, I rushed into things with Ray, but I don't regret anything. I will never get back the time I invested, but that is okay. All of that will go down in the album of memories, sealed safely in my heart.

When Ray first mentioned that he couldn't take the anxiety anymore, I barked that he was a coward. That it was insensitive of him to encourage me to give him a chance. The words that came out of my mouth have haunted me ever since: Why did you come into my life when you knew how messed up you were?

He told me he was sorry and couldn't help the way he was. I was harsh with him because I didn't understand. When I stand before God on the day of judgment, I will answer for my sins.

Ray, if you pick up a copy of this book one day, please know that I'm ashamed and sorry for the way I reacted back then. I didn't understand how fragile you were, or the frustrations that you couldn't explain. I now know better, but it is too late. I wish you abundant happiness and oceans of love, always.

I saw you as a happy person. Life was never kind to you for the most part, but I never any saw sadness. Sometimes your voice dropped, but I never saw you cry. Now I know that when you smiled for me, you probably wanted to cry. And when you talked to me, you must have ached for quiet. You smoked to blow out your pain, but your pain learned how to float back to you.

I really, really thought I knew you, but now I realise I never knew you at all. I forced you to explain why you had changed towards me. It must have been so stressful for you to tell me what went on in your head, when you couldn't understand it yourself.

Today I know that depression is not always obvious, not a choice either . It's a complex disorder... it's like there is a constant thunderstorm and the sun will never find its shine again. So many have told me that it doesn't last forever, but when it comes, it comes without warning.

When you are better I wonder if you will reach out to me, the way I have never stopped reaching for you. The last day we spoke, you raised your voice. That took me by surprise, but now I know you were not trying to hurt me – you had no control over your actions and reactions. Please don't feel ashamed, because depression doesn't define you. You are a real person with real, responsible, values.

One day, when the sun shines again, I hope you'll talk to me about your depression, just as I was comfortable talking to you about my long day at work.

Now that I understand a bit more than I did then, just know that you don't have to carry the heavy burden of stress on your own.

Please don't live for the approval of others – just be enough for you. When I felt like I was grasping at straws with you, I approached your family for help. Maybe they saw me as a desperate, weird woman, but I didn't know what else to do. I thought you were drowning and I wanted to be the buoy in your life, that was why I reached out to them – I believed they could be my lifeline.

Ray, you survived a lot in life and now it is time for you to thrive. As your forever friend, please know that you matter to me. My constant messages and emails may have frustrated you, but I only did that because I cared. You responded with a hollow silence, and then I knew that you needed your space to make sense of things.

Right now I don't know what's going on, where you are, or if you are doing better. All I can say is that I hope things are getting better on your side, and I regret all the unhappiness I brought into your life.

*

" _My sin burdened me heavily. But when I measured it against Your grace, O Lord, Your forgiveness came out greater." ~ Imam Shafi_

Losing Ray pushed me closer to prayer. Each time I melted in tears I found myself kneeling before my Creator. This series of events taught me that no matter how many times I fail or sin, I should never lose hope in God's mercy.

I wondered what went through Ray's family's mind when I contacted them out of the blue. Well, Anneke was different. We shared a face-to-face moment together, but as for his father and uncle, I was a virtual stranger. It frustrated me when they acknowledged me, but never entertained me once I informed them that I was worried about Ray.

To his father, Patrick, and his uncle, Rob, I'd like to convey my apologies. The only reason I contacted them was because I saw how serious the depression phase was.

Ray was the type who never wanted to inconvenience anyone, and I thought he was suffering in silence. I reached out to them for help. I was sorry that I made contact without an invitation, but I was not sorry for wanting to help him. If the tables turned, I'm sure they'd do it for someone they cared about.

Still, after all this, my respect for them remained constant.

At the start of November 2018, I plucked up the courage to end all contact with Ray. I deleted him off Facebook, blocked him on Messenger, unfollowed him on Instagram, and blocked him completely on WhatsApp.

I think I'd reached a stage of maturity, to understand when I am not wanted at that moment. I would always be there if he needed to talk, but we would address that should the situation ever arise.

I tried reaching you.

As for the eternity ring, my heart tells me to return it, but my mind tells me to give it to a woman who longs for jewellery, but who had never received anything.

22

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Parting Shots

" _If you are brave enough to say goodbye,_

life will reward you with a new hello."

Relationships can be beautiful, sometimes they can be disastrous. But, relationships can also be left hovering in the air, and that is the most painful one yet. Imagine not knowing where it went wrong, not knowing what you did wrong. Maybe, if you knew, then you would do better should you be in a relationship again.

The thud of silence in my life was becoming all too familiar now. No more messages and excitement about being with a man, who turned me inside out each time he held my hand or stroked my hair. I wanted a never-ending love story, one that was several notches above Romeo and Juliet, or Shah Jehaan and Mumtaz Mahal. Both those love relationships ended tragically, mine ended with deep sadness.

Ray stopped talking to me on the 30th of August, 2018. That was the last phone call he accepted from me, that evening. When I said 'bye' before cutting the call, I didn't think that meant goodbye.

He read my messages on WhatsApp. Two blue ticks each time, but he never responded. His profile photo appeared next to Facebook messenger, which meant he'd read whatever I'd said, but still didn't have the decency to acknowledge it.

Something was wrong, I just wished he'd tell me. Was it because I removed myself from his relationship status? Well, he did tell me he was going to change it sometime. I did him a favour – actually, I did it to save myself the humiliation of becoming the laughing stock. How was I going to tell everyone that he and I were history?

Even if he healed, I don't think our relationship could have been saved. I couldn't take that chance. And so I decided it was safer to remove myself as a girlfriend, and just be a friend who held him together when his world was falling apart.

The eternity ring was in my jewellery box. I didn't wear it anymore. If I did, that would have given me false hope. The last time we were together he slipped it back onto my finger, because we said we'd try and make our difficult situation work.

I think the distance did more damage than anything. His dreams to relocate didn't flourish, and yet he was so hopeful when he discussed his plans with me. Ray was a fickle person too. He said one thing and then went back on his word. Even the letter he told me he'd posted never reached me. Now I wonder whether there was ever a letter, ever.

I don't know what to do with the ring. When he gave it to me, he'd said whether we worked out as a couple or not, he wanted me to keep it because I was worth it. My heart told me to hold on to it, my head said I should hand it back to him. It hurt whenever I was in front of my mirror and the sun's rays would kiss the stones so that they'd sparkle – it was a reminder of him. That crushed me.

There was a part of me that wanted to return to Bloemfontein, to return that piece of silver out of the goodness of my heart. I wanted to see him again and reassure him that things would be okay, that his Mum would guide him from the other side. But two people who were well-versed on the subject of depression cautioned me against it. Kind, depressed people, could become violent, and I wouldn't want to be in that situation.

But Ray loved me, he'd never hurt me. Would he?

So many questions belted in my mind when the communication dried up. He'd told me many times that he'd never abandon me, never cut me off. And now? I wondered why he didn't call, why couldn't he just have a conversation with me, did I deserve all this?

How was I going to pick up the pieces and move on?

He was there for me, with me, and I still felt bonded to him after all these weeks. Then, suddenly, it was all gone.

No explanation, nothing. I just needed closure and some sort of validation that I meant something – anything. We promised to be loyal and faithful to each other, but what happens now?

When I didn't get those answers, I realised that I needed to give myself closure. I prayed for a good man, and maybe I wasn't clear because I got the wrong man. Or, maybe God was playing tricks with me because I didn't perform my prayers on time. Anyway, I prayed again – to the same God – asking for release from this heartache.

In that moment I accepted that Ray didn't want to be with me. I also accepted that he was in a fragile frame of mind and avoiding me was how he chose to cope. It was not a nice feeling to be ignored and not have the answers to so many questions. That was just the way it was.

In those early months I ached for him. I missed him physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I missed his beautiful messages and voice notes. I was still deeply in love with him until someone asked me: is it love, or do you feel sorry for him?

I couldn't answer that with honesty. I didn't have the right words to utter. Yes, I did feel sad for him – not sorry. And it hurt like hell not knowing what he was doing, was he warm, did he have shelter and did he think about me? I know I loved him too, I still love him. With him, I could be me. He made me feel all the feels.

Losing Ray helped me to realise that happiness was not a constant state. If you were not happy at that time, just wait, it would pass. If you were really happy, that too would pass. It was the same with sadness and illness. It comes and goes, ebbs and flows. Life was a wheel of joy and despair, happiness and sadness. It was always turning, sometimes fast and other times slow.

My despair about our 'relationship' ending so soon taught me that we could not escape living the past and looking forward to the future. It also taught me that it was more important to live in the present. The sun was shining, the air was fresh, and I was alive. Yes my heart broke, but all broken things mend –eventually.

The pain of loss will hurt you so badly that you will condition yourself to enjoy the hurt. And then you will find healing. This I promise you.

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The End

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Acknowledgements

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Poppet, I was terrified of sharing this story and I am grateful that you encouraged me to write it. I appreciate that you say I need to care for myself first. I love you for loving me. Thank you for being patient with me when it came to the book covers and the words of this story. You. Are. The Best.

Lance Ceranio, you are my rock. You've been very honest about depression from the start. A man who engages in boxing, mixed martial arts, pilates, budokon yoga, Olympic weightlifting, a husband and a father – thank you for giving me your time. I am honoured to call you a friend.

My beta readers – Desiree Natasha Hoorzuk, Widaad Gangat and Sherlissa Peters, you made writing this book so interesting. Thank you for putting me and this story first.

Sarah Keys, woman, you cut straight to the chase when you told me to write the story and live my own life thereafter. Everything you said was in black and white. I am doing just that. I value having you in my life.

So many people shared their stories with me, laughed with me, cried with me. You know who you are and I thank you for taking me into your confidence.

To Mummy and Daddy. You are now resting in heaven. Married for fifty years and you both passed away within months of each other. I hope and pray to find a love like that. I know you both would have been proud of me today. Thank you for raising me to be like fire.
