LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME
BACK TO THE SHOW, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, WHAT IS THIS
WEDNESDAY?
ON FRIDAY, TRUMP IS AWARDING THE
PRESIDENTIAL MEDALS OF FREEDOM.
IT'S THE HIGHEST HONOR A
CIVILIAN CAN RECEIVE FROM THE
PRESIDENT.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE, NEVER BEING
PHOTOGRAPHED IN THE SAME ROOM
WITH HIM.
THE THING IS, IT'S A REALLY
WEIRD CHEX MIX OF RECIPIENTS,
INCLUDING N.F.L. HALL OF FAMERS
ROGER STAUBACH AND ALLAN PAGE.
ALSO, MIRIAM ADELSON, WIFE OF
BILLIONAIRE REPUBLICAN DONOR
SHELDON ADELSON; SENATOR ORRIN
HATCH; THE LATE SUPREME COURT
JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA; BABE
RUTH; AND ELVIS.
THAT'S A CRAZY LIST OF PEOPLE
 (  LAUGHTER  )
THE ONLY THING THEY ALL HAVE IN
COMMON IS NONE OF THEM KNOW WHAT
ORRIN HATCH DID TO GET THE
PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM.
THESE PRESIDENTIAL MEDALS OF
FREEDOM ARE KIND OF LIKE THE
ROSES ON "THE BACHELOR" IN THAT
IT'S NOT NORMAL TO GIVE THEM TO
THIS MANY DEAD PEOPLE.
AND, YET, ELVIS IS BEING HONORED
FOR DEFINING AMERICAN CULTURE TO
BILLIONS OF ADORING FANS AROUND
THE WORLD.
OR MAYBE THE PRESIDENT HAS
SECRET FILES THAT ELVIS IS
STILL ALIVE, AND HE'S JUST DOING
THIS TO FLUSH HIM OUT.
THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY HE LEFT
THE MEDAL UNDER A BOX PROPPED UP
BY A STICK.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
YOU'VE BEEN SQUATCHED!
SO, WHAT WERE THE CRITERIA FOR
PUTTING TOGETHER SUCH A RANDOM
GROUPING OF PEOPLE?
WELL, IT'S COMPLETELY AT THE
PRESIDENT'S DISCRETION AND--
WAIT, I'M BEING TOLD TRUMP'S
JUST ADDED MORE RECIPIENTS,
INCLUDING KID ROCK, TAN MOM, GUY
FIERI, RONALD McDONALD, THOSE
FAT MOTORCYCLE TWINS, A PORN
STAR WHO DIDN'T TALK, AND A
BUCKET OF CHICKEN.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
 ( AS TRUMP )
"BUCKET OF CHICKEN, BUCKET--
BUCKET OF CHICKEN, TODAY WE
HONOR YOUR SERVICE TO THE
COLONEL.
IN A DIVIDED NATION, YOU BROUGHT
TOGETHER WHITE AND DARK MEAT IN
AN EXTRA-VALUE MEAL OF
BROTHERHOOD.
YOU TRULY WERE EXTRA CRISPY."
