The United Kingdom.
What was once
the world's largest empire
is now just a rainy island
struggling with Brexit,
a resigning prime minister
and a super spy who
probably has a thousand STDs.
And on top of all of that, now
they have to deal with Trump.
NEWSMAN: 
 The President and First Lady
 touched down in England
 early this morning
 for the three-day state visit
 with one
 of America's closest allies.
 The First Family received
 a royal welcome
 at Buckingham Palace
 from Queen Elizabeth.
 Her Majesty then hosted
 a private lunch
 and afternoon tea
 for the Trumps.
 They then toured the palace's
 royal collection of art
 -and historic gifts. 
-TRUMP: Oh...
NEWSWOMAN: The queen did in fact
 give to President Trump
 a first edition
 of a Winston Churchill book
 on the Second World War
 called Second World War.
That's right, the queen's gift
for Donald Trump was a book.
(laughter)
Either she doesn't know Trump,
-or she's trolling him.
-(laughter)
Why would you give
Donald Trump a book?
Everyone knows
the man doesn't read.
I wish I was there when
the queen gave him his gift.
She was like,
"Here you go, Donald,
"a book about World War II.
He's like, "Wow, this is sad."
"Yes, many lives were lost."
"No, I mean the fact that
I have to read. It's so sad."
For real, though, Donald Trump
has no use for a book.
It's a useless gift.
It's like giving
Stevie Wonder a fish tank.
It's like, "Uh, so,
wh-what's happening now, Stevie,
"is the blue one is swimming
at the top and now the...
"the yellow one
is swimming in a...
"You know, you'd love it.
You'd love it.
I... I didn't think
this through."
(applause)
Now, I wouldn't be shocked,
I wouldn't be shocked
if the queen was actually
trolling Donald Trump, right?
Because... over the weekend,
he was in the news
for a comment that he made
about Princess Meghan Markle.
And as if that
wasn't bad enough,
before he landed in the UK,
he was also trading blows
with the mayor of London.
As President Trump was departing
for London last night,
he took a shot at that
city's mayor, Sadiq Khan,
 who's been a sharp critic
 of the president.
NEWSWOMAN: Before even landing
 on British soil,
 he tweeted his disdain
 for London mayor Sadiq Khan,
 whom he describes
 as a "stone-cold loser."
 The two are not scheduled
 to meet.
Wait, what?
That's a really weird diss.
(like Trump) This guy's shorter
than Bill de Blasio.
Yeah, everyone is shorter
than Bill de Blasio.
-(laughter)
-Guy's, like, seven feet tall.
That's like someone being like,
"Ha-ha! This guy has less money
than Jeff Bezos!"
-Yeah, that's all of us.
-(laughter)
It's also impressive that
Donald Trump started a beef
with London's mayor
while he was still in the air.
He sent his tweets ahead of...
It's almost like he sends
his beefs ahead of him
so that he has something to do
when he lands.
Yeah? Because otherwise,
he'd just have to pick a fight
with a random palace guard,
you know?
He'd be like, "Nice hat, loser.
Porn from the '70s called.
"They want their bush back.
-Ha-ha! Ha-ha!"
-(laughter)
Now...
now, Trump didn't just go to
the UK to roast the Royal Family
and little de Blasio, no.
He also went there to share some
of that political acumen
that he's so famous for.
TV REPORTER: The president's
 already inflamed tensions here
 by weighing-in
 on the fiery debate
 over the country's
 planned departure
 from the European Union
 after criticizing embattled
 Prime Minister Theresa May
 during his last visit,
 now suggesting the pro-Brexit
 former mayor of London
 Boris Johnson would be
 a good candidate
 to succeed May,
 who leaves office this week.
He's been a friend of mine.
He's been very nice.
I have a very good relationship
with him.
Okay.
(laughter)
O-Okay.
(laughter)
We all-- We all see it, right? 
(laughter)
We're all seeing the same thing?
(applause and cheering)
Yeah. Of course he likes him.
The U.K. is on the verge
of electing a prime minister
who looks exactly
like Donald Trump.
I mean, look at these guys.
I've never seen two people
who both look like
failed clones of each other.
Like, these guys look
so much alike
that if they wanted to
they could pull a Parent Trap,
switch places
and no one would notice.
Yeah, at least until Boris sent
a tweet with no typos
and then people would be like
"Wait a minute."
So between sticking his nose
in British politics
and fighting with the mayor,
Trump hasn't made
the greatest impression,
which probably explains
why the British
haven't exactly rolled out
the red carpet.
Mr. Trump will not stay
overnight in Buckingham Palace.
He will not ride
in an open carriage
as other state visitors
have done,
and he will not be allowed to
address Britain's parliament.
TV REPORTER; If you're wondering
 why isn't he staying
 at Buckingham Palace
 as George W. Bush did,
 and as Barack Obama did,
 that is because, apparently,
 they are having massive
 renovations.
Really?
-Really?
-(laughter)
All 52 bedrooms
in Buckingham Palace
are being renovated
at the same time?
All of them?
-Come on, man.
-(cheers and applause)
Like, I know you don't want
Trump to stay there,
but that's a terrible excuse,
'cause now I'm picturing
the queen being like,
(with British accent):
"Donald, I really tried
to get you a room,
but the manager said no."
I'm sorry, Donald,
it's above me now." He's like,
(mimics Trump): "Please,
everyone else stays here."
(with British accent):
"I'm sorry, Donald,
the Best Western is next door."
(normal voice):
So that was day one
of Trump's visit to the U.K.
And we'll check in on how things
go tomorrow after he meets
with Prime Minister Theresa May
and gives her
an extra special gift,
a book about World War II.
