And
In
The first, second, third, fourth, and so onth place...
Thoroughbred Ranking!
Hi, I'm the Sidekick Sage and I love Weird Al Yankovic.
Today, I'm doing a Thoroughbred Ranking based on one of his songs. Yes, one.
specifically "Virus Alert" from his
2006 masterpiece Straight Outta Lynwood. In this song,
he lists a variety of horrible fates befalling those who open the stinky cheese email in no particular order
Except of course for scansion and rhyme, but today I'm going to order them from the least to most ridiculous. For this ranking,
I'll consider the specificity, the scope of damage, and the likelihood of anything online being able to do something like it. If
totals are tied, the last one will be the tiebreaker
Number 26: make your computer screen freeze
This is a fairly minor issue that is expected to be caused by most viruses and is also caused by native processing issues.
Number 25: email your grandmother all of your porn
Although the specificity of the grandmother does help somewhat, having porn on the computer isn't abnormal and
Documents being emailed to unwanted contacts is a fairly common effect of viruses
Number 24: make all the paint peel off your walls
This is definitely not something you'd expect a computer virus to do except possibly as a side effect of the hardware overheating
So why is it so low? Because it's something you're likely to not even notice until it becomes very severe
Plus it doesn't specify which walls these are.
Number 23: give your laundry static cling. This is similar to the previous one, although in this case,
It's even less likely for your computer to be able to affect your laundry than your walls
Since they're often not even in the same room
It's also only a minor inconvenience that is typically temporary and the song doesn't specify the virus makes it permanent
Number 22: set your clocks back an hour
It is likely for a computer virus to be able
To turn the clock inside the computer back an hour and possibly in devices that rely on it such as the iPod we'll mention later
But not other ones. Depending on how many clocks you have, this annoyance can vary in how much it will take to fix. It gets
points for specifically being an hour.
Number 21: erase the Easter eggs off your DVDs
This is something the computer virus has potential to do if your DVDs are played in your computer. Put slightly higher on the list due to
Specifying erasing the Easter eggs and nothing else as well as the implication that it would happen to all of the DVDs
number 20
Erase your hard drive and your backups too and the hard drive everyone related to you. Erasing
Your hard drive is a common effect of viruses. So this one didn't get too many points for unlikelihood
but because it specifically erases your backups and the hard ,drive of everyone related to you, got quite a few points for specificity and
Scope. So why is it so low?
Simply because of the competition, with many of the remaining being even more specific or far reaching or combining the two with unlikelihood
Number 19: make your keyboard all sticky
This is related to the computer at least. but it's not only hardware related but external hardware related.
It also produces some texture that isn't explained.
It gets some specificity points for being just the keyboard, though the scope of this one isn't particularly impressive
Number 18: steal your identity and your credit cards
While
This is certainly plausible for a computer virus to do, or at least affect.
Stealing both the credit cards and identity is a pretty wide scope
Especially if this includes all of your credit cards instead of just some of them as well as being fairly
Specific by listing two separate things. However, because the plausibility was high this one gets a lower ranking than...
Number 17: mess up the pH balance in your pool. These two had the same total score when I put them together
But it is very difficult for the computer to affect your pool, especially something like pH balance which typically is not controlled remotely.
This is also fairly specific. However, it is limited in scope. At worst,
it will make it impossible for you to go swimming at home. At best, it will require a little bit of cleanup.
Number 16: start clogging the shower
This one is similar to the previous one in that it will either make it impossible to use something or require cleanup,
But this time the something in question is necessary rather than simply preferable to use
Additionally, while theoretically it may be possible for you to remotely change the pH balance in your pool,
It is completely impossible to remotely clog a shower.
Number 15: make your TV record Gigli. This is not a big deal. If you don't want to watch it, you can erase it
However, it is both unlikely since your computer probably doesn't have direct controls to your TV
(although it's become more likely in the years since the song came out) and
highly specific since it's not just romantic comedies or bad movies, but very specifically this one.
Number 14: translate your documents into Swahili. A computer virus may be able to translate your documents,
but if it translates all of your documents, then the scope is pretty broad. Also, not only is Swahili a specific language,
it's one that doesn't appear commonly among virus creators.
However, this one is still more likely than the following two which assume the same overall score
Number 13: make your iPod only play Jethro Tull.
This can happen if you happen to absent-mindedly update your iPod without
Realizing the virus deleted, unchecked, or moved your non-Jethro Tull music to a mysterious location
but it shouldn't have any control over your iPod if it's not being updated, and
Jethro Tull, thankfully is a specific band rather than a specific song,
But it's a fairly strange one to select as the only band you can listen to, as it's a flute-heavy progressive rock band
Number 12: tell you knock-knock jokes while you're trying to sleep
Knock-knock jokes are slightly more general than Jethro Tull or Swahili,
But your computer should not have the ability to tell you knock-knock jokes when you're trying to sleep,
So it's likely your computer would also be asleep
Even if it had the ability to speak to you. The fact they're knock-knock jokes,
Which requires call-and-response to even continue the set up let alone conclude the punchline makes this even more unlikely.
Number 11: invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney. A virus may have access to your bank account
so it's possible to invest your cash in places,
Although the fact that it's not just Disney but Euro Disney adds to the specificity, which it already would have had by specifying a company.
 
Additionally depending on how much of your cash it invests, it has the potential to be almost as broad of scope as stealing your identity and
credit cards
Number 10: neuter your pets. While this isn't particularly specific,
it does have fairly major consequences of preventing your animals from breeding, which is likely a good thing
Unless you're specifically trying to have a pet family.
Also a computer virus is completely incapable of performing any sort of surgical procedure unless it infects a robot with arms. In
The context of the song, they are clearly only referring to computers.
Number 9: Give your poodle a hickey. A
Single Hickey to a single pet is significantly smaller in scope than all of your pets getting neutered,
But it's just as unlikely to happen. Actually even less since the hypothetical robot would not only require arms but a suction feature
Also
The specificity is much greater, since it's not only one potential species of pet
Albeit one of the most popular, but also a very specific breed.
One wonders if the virus is capable of giving hickeys to other pets or even other dogs.
Number 8: tie up your phone making crank long-distance calls.
Your computer virus is unlikely to be able to access your phone line
Unless it infects your cell phone
which is not what happens during the hypothetical narrative in the song. The scope of this is
Approximately as great as to steal your identity and credit cards effect
Since it will still cost your money and your reputation, with the unlimited element of both implied by the "tie up" part
It's also significantly more specific
Since not only is it making long-distance calls and getting you charged for them, but specifically using said calls to prank people.
Number 7:
Decide to give you a permanent wedgie. Scope-wise, this is both pretty major and pretty minor
major because it's permanent and minor because it's a wedgie, which brings us to likelihood: a
Computer, again, unless it's a robot with arms, should not be able to physically manipulate your underwear.
The way it's phrased also implies the computer virus is sapient. The specificity of this one is a bit less than the last couple, however.
Number 6:
Legally change your name to Reggie. This one must have been done as a side-effect of stealing your identity earlier
But the purpose of such a function is unknown
Also, it would be difficult for a computer to be able to change physical documents
You already had with you, which are typically required for a legal name change.
Reggie is also a rather specific name, though
It could be short for Reginald or Regina as well as possibly others. At the very least, it chose a gender-neutral name, so it's equal opportunity.
number 5: Buy you a warehouse full of pink leotards
This again is likely a side-effect of stealing your credit cards. The fact that it's an entire warehouse gives this a wide scope.
It's also one of the most specific effects, since it's not a warehouse full of clothes
But specifically leotards and not just any leotards, pink ones.
One wonders where the virus even found such a thing for sale, unless it purchased the warehouse separately from the pink leotards.
Even then they would likely have to buy out several different companies to fill the demand.
number 4: cause a major rift in time and space
This is by far the largest scope of all of the effects and also something that is very unlikely for a computer virus to be
able to do. In theory, it might be able to if it infects an extremely powerful spacecraft.
However, this is extremely unlikely and as of now still in the realm of science fiction.
So why is this number four? It's surprisingly unspecific
We don't know how major the rift is or even what part of time or space is affected. Not even a ballpark estimate
So this could mean all of humanity is doomed
Or it could mean what brings the Star Wars to an abrupt end.
Number 3: leave a bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place
This scope isn't as big as the previous one,
but depending on the definition of "all over the place", could definitely be a huge littering problem.
Since computers without robotic arms cannot manipulate
pieces of plastic, and without robotic legs or wheels cannot travel to areas to litter in, it's also a highly unlikely event.
The fact that it's Twinkie wrappers adds to the oddly specific nature of this one since they could have said garbage, wrappers, snack wrappers,
Snack CAKE wrappers or even HOSTESS snack cake wrappers and been more generic. number 2:
Melt your face right off your skull
While the scope of this one isn't quite as high as causing a major rift in time and space,
It's definitely worth noting since it would probably kill you.
Melting your face is already difficult, since it would likely burn out before melting,
But it would require a very large temperature to do either one which a computer, even a heavily
Overheating virus-infested one, wouldn't be able to reach before
Self-destructing. Even if we give it the benefit of the doubt, why would it target your face?
Your hands are much closer to the computer. So it gets specificity points for that as well
Number 1: make you physically attracted to sheep
When I was scoring this list, I looked through each of the ranks in all three categories from the bottom to the top
This while not number one in every category just likelihood
It had the highest minimum rank of all of them. In scope,
It's not as great as at least two of the previous three, but it's more specific than all but the other one.
It's the least likely of all of these, because it doesn't effect something physical. but
Something mental. In other words, it would have to rewire your brain, and to do so precisely. given the level of specificity.
Would you like to see more silly thoroughbred rankings like this?
What did you think the rank should have been different leave a comment below and thank you for watching
