I WANTED TO BE AN ASTRONAUT
EVERY SINCE I
WAS A LITTLE KID SO I WAS PRETTY
EXCITED RECENTLY WHEN NASA
ANNOUNCED WE'RE GOING TO BE
SENDING PEOPLE TO MARS WHIE
2030.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT THEN I FOUND OUT THEY'RE
GOING TO MARS INVOLVES SOME
PRETTY ROUGH CONDITIONS--
CRAMPED PODS, HORRIBLE FOOD, AND
THE CHANCE YOU MAY NOT COME BACK
ALIVE.
SO IT'S KIND OF LIKE A CARNIVAL
CRUISE.
NASA ANNOUNCED THEY JUST STARTED
THE SELECTION PROCESS BUT WE
MIGHT BE GETTING CLOSER TO
FIGURING OUT THE PERFECT
CANDIDATE FOR THIS IMPORTANT
MISSION BECAUSE I JUST READ--
AND THIS IS TRUE-- EARLY RISERS
COULD BE BANNED FROM TRAVELING
TO MARS, BECAUSE APPARENTLY THE
MARTIAN DAY IS 37 MINUTES LONGER
THAN THE EARTH DAY SO PEOPLE WHO
WAKE UP EARLIER WILL HAVE A
HARDER TIME ADJUSTING THAN EYE
NIGHT OWL.
IF YOU'RE A YOUNG, EAGER,
GO-GETTER, NASA DOES NOT WANT
YOU.
AND, FRANKLY, THE REST OF US ARE
A LITTLE SICK OF YOU, TOO.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S NOT THE ONLY REQUIREMENT.
NASA ALSO SAYS THAT THEY WANT
MARS COLONISTS WHO EAT MEAT AND
AREN'T GLUTEN-INTOLERANT OR
LACTOSE-INTOLERANT.
THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE IF
COLONISTS DISCOVER LIFE ON MARS,
WE DON'T WANT THEM TO DO
SOMETHING STUPID LIKE NOT EAT
IT.
SO WE'RE STARTING TO GET A
PICTURE OF THE KIND OF
LATE-SLEEPING, MEAT-EATING
COLONIST NASA WANTS TO SEND TO
MARS, AND I'M PROUD TO SAY WE
ARE JOINED BY ONE OF THE TOP
CANDIDATES FOR THE MARS MISSION.
PLEASE WELCOME ASTRONAUT BON
DONNIE BARNETT.
DONNIE.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE, DONNIE.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME TO BE
HERE, DONNIE.
>> HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, YEAH,
THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S A NICE TOOL YOU HAVE
THERE.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME,
STEPHEN.
I'M JUST GLAD I WAS ABLE TO WAKE
UP.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: IT'S ALMOST
MIDNIGHT, DONNIE.
>> YEAH, NOT ON MARS, KEMOSABE.
>> Stephen: YOU SAY YOU'RE ONE
OF NASA'S TOP PICKS TO GO TO
MARS.
WHY YOU, DONNIE?
>> WELL, I'VE BEEN TRAINING
HARD, STEPHEN.
I'VE BEEN TRAINING EVER SINCE I
GOT FIRED AT THE FOOD TRUCK.
THEY SHOULD HAVE PUT THAT SIGN
THAT SAYS, "WASH YOUR HANDS,"
WHERE PEOPLE COULD SEE IT!
>> Stephen: SO, DONNIE, IS THE
TRAINING HARD FOR THE MISSION?
>> I'M NOT GOING TO LIE,
STEPHEN.
I MEAN, YOU GOTTA REALLY WANT
IT.
IT'S HARD WORK.
I WAKE UP BETWEEN 9:00 AND 11
P.M.
I WATCH "BONES," THEN I ORDER A
LITTLE HUT-- MEAT LOVERS,
OBVIOUSLY.
THEN I PET THE DOG, INVITE THE
DOG ON TO THE COUCH, THEN FIGHT
THE DOG FOR THE HUT.
( LAUGHTER )
AND THEM, BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
I'M BACK TO TRAINING IN BED,
SLEEPING LIKE A LITTLE BABY.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT THE THE
PSYCHOLOGICAL ISOLATION?
WHAT ABOUT THE EFFECTS OF BEING
ALONE?
ARE YOU USED TO BEING ALONE?
>> I'M GOING TO BE HONEST WITH
YOU, STEPHEN, I'VE BEEN ALONE
SINCE I MESSED THINGS UP WITH
KRISTINE.
TOTAL ISOLATION.
I MEAN, SHE SHOVE PUT THE SIGN
THAT SAYS, "WASH YOUR HANDS,"
WHERE YOU COULD SEE IT!
>> Stephen: I CAN TELL YOU'RE
UPSET, DON'T.
>> NO, NO, NO.
IT'S BETTER.
SHE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO IT IN
THE MORNING, AND I WAS LIKE,
"I'M ON MARS TIME, BABY."
>> Stephen: DO YOU MISS HER?
>> HAVE YOU EVER SEEN "TOTAL
RECALL?"
>> Stephen: YEAH, I'VE SEEN
THAT MOVIE.
>> THEY'VE GOT ONES UP THERE
WITH THREE, STEPHEN.
UNO, DOS, TRES.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT, UNO
WHAT.
>> UNO, DOS, TRES.
>> Stephen: THEY SPEAK SPANISH
ON MARS.
>> THEY'VE GOT LADIES UP THERE
WITH THE TIC, TACK, TOE.
AKUNASPP MUTATA.
>> Stephen: IT'S A WONDERFUL
WORD, IT'S A WONDERFUL WORD.
YOU KNOW THAT'S JUST A MOVIE,
RIGHT?
>> STEPHEN, THEY COULDN'T MAKE A
MOVIE OUT OF IT IF IT WASN'T
REAL.
DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
MOVIES.
( BEEPING ).
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
>> THAT'S MY MEAT BEEPER.
ALL RIGHT, I'VE GOT TO GET BACK
TO TRAINING.
( LAUGHTER )
DO YOU WANT A STEAK TENDERLOIN?
I'VE GOT ONE OF THESE IN HERE.
LEAVE THE LITTLE PART FOR YOUR
KIDS!
>> Stephen: I'M GOOD, DONNIE.
I'M GOOD.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELL, IT WAS AN HONOR TO MEET A
REAL ASTRONAUT, DONNIE.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
( LAUGHTER )
DONNIE BARNETT, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
