*pounds twice*
*pounds twice again*
*snare drum*
*pounds twice one last time* LAUGH!
Hello everyone, and welcome back to Jacksepticeye's Funniest Home Videos:
The Internet's craziest place! The place where people laugh the most that they ever have in their entire lives.
Because you know what we say over here. We have a slogan, it's -
No, it's not DEAD!
It's time to
L A U G H
I'm alive again. I'm a real boy. I'm not dead anymore. Well, the internet still thinks I'm dead.
And if the internet says it then you know, it's true. You have to believe what the internet says -
take everything in the internet literally! If you don't... *small Jack-a-boy pause*
...then what's it all about the internet would never lie to me, would it?
*drinks coffee with slight concern* (Yes, it would)
I went out onto the street and everyone thought I was dead and some people came up to me and were like:
"Wait a minute, who ARE you?"
It's me, Jack-a-boy! I'm back from the grave! I'm a zombie boy now
and what do zombie boys do more than anything except-
*angry Irish potato*  I'm not doing it this time, okay,?
You're gonna have to put some fucking work in for yourselves, okay?
Laugh on your own time,
I got fucking business to do.
What did my elves do? Oh, they went out,
they got drunk, and they came home with a hangover of
brilliant videos for us to be able to react to. They gave us some new products. This first one is called
The Ball Buster.
"The name of the game is Ballbuster."
*in amusement and confusion* Okay..?
*music from video plays*
This fucking music in the background!
"It's a family game, fun for children."
"And for adults, it's exciting. ;)" Oh God- oooh God.
Fun for children. I thought he was just going to stop there
I thought the dude doing the voice-over had a stroke and died in the middle of it. That's- That's it
Like it's it's fun for kids
*sexy voice ;)* But for adults it's exciting
"Strategic offensive and defensive moves."
Oh! It's like chess.
"Then try to bust your opponents balls."  *adorable giggle*
"It's as easy as checkers."
No, it's not!
No, it's not at all as easy as checkers.
Other than the fact that you can move a piece on the board-
That's all- the only similarities with checkers that it has.
You can burst your opponent's
baaallls *;)))*
The babes are back!
This has to be made for- I mean, obviously they know what they're doing
It's called Ball Buster and kids aren't gonna know that so they just be like:
(In A Sassy Voice) "Well, you're just busting my balls, Dad! Dad, stop busting my balls!
I got homework to do, let me win!"
Dad's like "Go fuck yourself, Wendy! It's time to bust those balls!"
It reminds me of *sighs* Have any of you played Conkers?
I don't know if- not Conkers the video game, but that game of Conkers
where you like, you get it, like a chestnut and you drill a hole in it and then you put a piece of twine in it
and then somebody holds out their conker on the ball on this string and then you get it you go
WAPAWP
You try and hit them, you know you hit them and it just goes
*pounds board* LAUGH
See, I was on the other side for that one. You're not going to stay ahead of me. I am ahead of the game.
"You're a Ball Buster" *Jack giggles then erupts in laughter*
That is the best way that commercial could have ended.
You're a Ball Buster!
You're fucking damn right I am. That really got my heart tickled.
It really got my belly aching and really got the jiggles going. It really got the
What did I say?!
Be prepared! Any eventuality could happen.
The world could end at any moment.
The world could end in the middle of watching this video.
And if you're not ready to laugh,
The- Okay. Good. You keeping up with it? Yeah, laugh in your own time, do it yourselves!
Okay, let's just get this one out of the way because I remember this.
Have any of you had this commercial- 2001?!
Well, I guess, yeah, I was 11 by then...
2001 does not feel that long ago. 2001 feels like it was only, like, 10 years ago.
Oh, Lord... that's a really long time ago by now. Fuck.
Man, I'm old. I'm 29.
My bones are dust. My ass doesn't even work anymore. I try to sit down and I just fall over
 
*creepy ass commercial starts*  I-
"Baby wee wee Baby wee" --
OOOHHH You can't show that kids!!
Am I allowed to show this on YouTube?? I mean it's on the Cartoon Network apparently
But they're straight up just a little plastic penis coming out of a baby doll
And we all know with YouTube's new policy, you can't show kids in your videos
or I'm gonna get all my comments disabled.
That is some surrealist shit. That was it. That was the whole thing.
I remember those things going around, and I remember seeing that commercial.
Even as a kid back then I was like, "Mom?"
"Are the police gonna come and take you and Daddy away?"
And isn't it kind of fucked?
That kids would want to play with this thing.
Well, first off, it's saying, "Mommy, Mommy, wee-wee."
That's sexist. Okay. What about Dada wee wee?
What if- what if Daddy wants to take you to the potty
and look at your little tiny plastic penis and put you on the ground-
This is a fucking weird video.
"I'm here in consumer reports"
"warehouse where we store most of the products after we tested them. You can see we have a lot of"
"big stuff here to move around so when we found out about the forearm forklift, we couldn't wait to check it out" Ah!
"Well these lifting straps work for carrying furniture." Holy shit! "You can pick items up by hand." Uh, ya done fucked it up
He's bringing it up the thing and you just gave up and you threw it over the edge.
Well, luckily for you, it's a mattress so it's gonna be fine.
"These adjustable straps carry items inches off the floor to avoid lifting high." Holy shit...
"Now I am here with John Jonas and Patrick Severn, two strong men"
*Jack laughs*
Two strooooong men.
*sad music plays* 
 That is not the face of a guy who thinks he's strong
That's the face of a guy who's like ' i just wanna go home.
Play Tetris 99 and get my sweet victory Battle Royale'
I don't want to be here lifting the fucking forklift forearm.
What was it called?
Wait what? Screw the forearm forklift!
I wanna know what these bad boys in the background are!
Do you want to go snorkeling but have binoculars on your face at the same time?
Snorkoculars!
"Let's see how they do"
"Alright, one, two, three."
Oh no, no JJ, that's the fucking complete wrong way of doing that.
You're gonna break your back, man!
Nah. Nah, That ain't it chief.
Nah, I tried. I tried, it didn't work. No, I was like-
[ehH]
Didn't work. I almost broke my head.
"Next up, we gave them the forearm forklift to try out."
Wait, are- are they going to be able to do it place your bets right now?
Do you think that these guys are going to be able to:
A) Lift the fridge. B) It's not going to work again, chief.
Or C) Magical answer number four:
Their arms are actually gonna fall off and both of them are gonna be... dead.
Place your bets now!
You've all placed your bets. Okay. Let's see what happens
Hoooly shit! They lifted it!
"It was a lot easier, sturdier than I expected it to be."
That's a man who was strong, but now a man who's even stronger!
I didn't- I did not thought that that was gonna happen.
I- That was absolutely crazy that that happened
I really thought that this guy's son was actually gonna come in and say,
"Dad, come help me do my homework."
Why have I made so many homework jokes with dads on this episode?
Okay, working through something. All right?
I have the fucking baby wee-wee song in my head.
"Baby wee wee! Baby wee wee! He needs to wee!"
We all gotta wee, baby wee wee, one time or another. Er keep it in your pants.
"Look at how well these lifting straps work for carrying furniture."
"Here's where the real challenge comes in."
"I am here with a big heavy stove."
*mocking* I am here in the consumer reports warehouse where I
Have two strong ladies who are gonna lift this furnace
So these aren't actually just showing off the products. This isn't the infomercial for the product
These are people testing out the product to see if it's actually real. I bet they're all in cahoots.
I bet that they're all together working together in all of this to be like,
"How can we sell more? People aren't buying the forearm forklift! We need you to sell it for us."
I wanna say Sue? "Leeslie Freeman editor-in-chief of consumer reports"- Fuck yeah Lisa Lee.
"And Leslie Ware Consumer Reports editor-at-large."
Wait, what were their names?
"Leeslie Freeman and Leslie Ware-"
Leeslie and Leslie. Those are fake names.
There's no way that you've a Leeslie and a Leslie. Her name is Leslie Ware?
You were like, "We need somebody to lift hardware.
We need a name. Leeslie, do you got any names? Leslie? Leslie Ware? Perfect."
"All right, assuming you guys have no superhero powers. We're gonna let you have a go at this"
"Errrrrrrrr *poot* No."
[ l a f f ]
I love how, it's just cuz you're just making noise.
It's like oh you think I'll be able to lift this.
ERRRRRGH
No, it's fucking useless.
Goddamn it all, now I broke my back.
"Then Consumer Reports"
"tester, Bernie Deitrick, gave them the forearm forklift, and supervised to make sure they were using it properly."
He gave him the four one one in the forearm forklift the lady in
the back rooms like "this is-this is madness. What has science been able to do?"
Okay, place your bets now.
What do you think is gonna happen this time? Do you think:
A) They're gonna lift it
*pffftt*  Stupid answer
B) The whole thing is actually gonna fall apart that's actually made out of cardboard and it's fooling you.
or C)
This guy back here is actually gonna take off his shirt and then it's going to turn into some sort of weird threesome.
Place your bets now. What do you think is going to happen?
*jeopardy countdown music begins playing*
Okay, have you all put in your answers? Have you all texted A B or C to 1-800
*pounds board* LAUGH
What's gonna happen?
NO
No, that- cut cut cut that's not what's supposed to happen!
Her forearm is going to break that's not an intentional design!
"Lisa was struggling with the weight. So I took a shot at it. Okay."
No way! "We had them try and move a bookcase. Oh, this is better. Oh much better. This, this is not bad."
That's crazy!
And they said that they did not have superhuman strength.
How did they do it? Those are just two
Ladies and editing staff, not actOORs.
Leslie Ware. Editor-at-large.
Are you just saying that cuz what was your- Lees-lee
Something is so small that anybody would be an editor at large next to her *ba dum tss*
"I would recommend this product because it allows you to safely lift large items
that you normally wouldn't be able to lift."
That's- that's pretty damn... convincing.
You know what? I am gonna go out and buy me a forearm forklift
and I am going to lift my house!
Gonna lift my entire house! I want to move it out of Brighton
I'm just gonna bring it somewhere else
Because of the forearm forklift-
if you had enough forearm forklifts and you put it under my house,
and you got enough people there
You could just lift the whole thing. You don't need superhuman strength
You need someone better than Leeslie though, because she gave up after two seconds
... pussy ass bitch.
*while laughing* It's so unnecessary I don't know why I said that
I'm sorry
"My names Anthony Sullivan" OH "and here's a great invention for around the house"
One of the classic heroes. "and you've got light. Taplight conveniently sits almost anywhere."
"You can-" I'm I'm sorry Andrew
Um..
You seem to have a serious case of
1990 going on and I can't hear or see anything that you're doing.
So last time we had the Bowl Light,
you know, when people wanted to go into the bathroom and yeah
I don't poo unless it's blue. I don't do the stink unless it's pink.
Well this time Anthony Sullivan
I called you Andrew before but, you know what Anthony?
Shit happens, you know science is tricky
So this time he's got the Taplight as in you tap it
"all mount Taplights as well"
"The place is what you just a little extra illumination"
"But don't have a light fixture, like this closet."
"Taplight gives you the right light where, when you want it and use it to illuminate a dark stairwell
or provide the light for an outdoor party or-"
Wait this is it? "Taplight can even replace a broken interior light in a car
This is just- this is ordinary. I can't even hear him.
It- it sounds like he is talking through a bumblebee
Where are my elves?
Where the fuck did they g-
Oh of course they're hidin', of course they're hidin'.
What is wrong with you people? This is the Funniest Home Videos.
This isn't funny. This is just ordinary.
This is just an actual good product.
You put it on your wall. Oh, you push it, it turns on. Cool. That's very funny.
You guys are useless!
"Hi, it's Vince with Crank Chop-"
Oh fucking Vince is back!
*crowd clapping* Everybody give it up for Vince! Our hero! Okay. Vince have you have you-
Slowed down a small bit? Have you stopped taking the cocaine? Are you okay now?
Well, that's a face that says otherwise, but give me give me an offer Vince. Give me an offer I can't refuse.
"Plates are at the bottom, food goes in, peppers, onion, ham, close the lid, pull the crank one, two, three."
No. Fucking. Way!
"Perfect omelet every time. Cabbage. One, two.
"Coleslaw. Add radishes, carrots, kale. The more you crank the finer it gets. Look at that." Vince, Vince
Come on, first, you tell me that we're gonna make America skinny again with one slap at a time
Now you're telling me that I'm gonna have to crank that Soulja Boy?
I want one of those that every time you crank and it just goes
*Soulja Boy Yooou*
It looks like you're trying to start up a lawnmower there Vince.
It also looks like you're eating what come out of a lawnmower.
Oh first, Jack disses the butter.
Then he disses the bacon, now Jack is dissing the nice healthy vegetables and all that shit that's in the-
You know it's just jokes.
Calm down okay, I'm just trying to be the funny man.
I'm trying to make- trying to make the jokes
I'm trying to make everybody
*screams backwards* LAUGH
"This $200 food processor like a jigsaw puzzle. It's like too bulky
Where the heck are you ever gonna put this thing?"
Vince no, no
Vince! [crash]
VINCE, for the love of God!
[laughter]
This man is out of control! First, he just beat the shit outta food with the Slap Chop.
Slapping the shit out of his kitchen and now he's throwing food-
$200 food processors out the window!
Vince you need to be stopped.
"Do you really have the time for tomatoes, onions, cilantro? A few cranks"
"And you'll have the best homemade salsa think ho-"
The best homemade salsa
YUM
"Add carrots, feta cheese, cranberries, a few pulls. Look at that. You're gonna eat more salads and lose all that weight you wanted to."
*tense music plays*
That is
highly
asumptuous
Okay, how dare you?
Alright last time you said we're gonna make it skinny one slap at a time. Well, you know what?
I've been slapping myself every day
Since I woke up. Ever since I saw that video I've been slappin' myself every morning.
Have I lost any of the weight?
No.
Maybe it's cause I keep eating pizza and Taco Bell, but whatever, Vince.
You told me I was gonna get skinny.
Now you're telling me all I have to do is crank it and you're still calling me fat. "Oh, me so hungry."
OHhh Vince! NOOOooo.
Vince....
For the love of God when was this made?
2015? Oh, "Me so hungry."
Vince, for the love of God, man.
"Bananas for baby food for a healthy beautiful, baby."
"Even ice for great margaritas and the señoritas."
*Jack laughs*
*The Entertainer by Scott Joplin plays*
*DING*
I'm tellin ya, this man could sell you anything.
He'd sell fire to a person dying on the Sun!
"And you'll chop everything from celery to garlic to tomatoes."
There it is,
I was waiting for him to say "gaaaarlic"
"Oh wow! That's amazing!"
"This is so easy."
"I love it! And I have a broken hand!"
*Jack dies laughing*
*claps while still laughing*
YES
Oh knockin' it outta the park!
Fuck yeah, I was like, "Nah they're too ordinary this time,"
There's always somebody in the middle of these
"Real people" who are telling us how the product works and they're all-
some of them are just so bizarre and wacky and this time
I was like "That's too normal,"
and then y-ya cranked it out of the park, Vince.
"I'm a plumber, I need to get out of the house quick in the morning."
Do-
Is that an issue plumbers have often that they need to get out of the house
Fast and that this is actually gonna help them?
Vince Offer helping people get out of their houses faster one crank at a time. ;3
"But you'll also get the food topper.
Place the food inside, twist, and you have eggs for great toppings on salads."
Okay, hold on Vince
That really seems like the fucking gyro grav
Twirly man's that you had last t-
I can't remember what the name of it was-
This is just the same thing in a different package
"The blades are on the inside unlike the metal grater and we all know who makes this, right?"
What?
We all know who makes this?
I don't know who makes metal graters.
Also why was the bandage on the grater? Shouldn't the bandage be on your finger because you hurt yourse-
I know it's symbolism, shut the fuck up!
"Here's how to order! Call one eight-" Here's how to order!
Wait is the number right this time? "-hundred seven eight seven zero six one one"
Okay you got the number right this time Vince last time you told me a number that was completely different
I don't know what Vince is up to these days. Vince is the ShamWow guy right? I know ShamWow
But I didn't put it together that that was actually him. Oh god. What happened, Vince?
Oh no, Vince
Legal issues,
VINCE!
The underground comedy movie that was subject of several lawsuits filed by Offer against others in September 1998
Vince Offer filed a suit against 20th Century Fox and Bobby and Peter Farrelley the co-directors of There's Something About Mary
He claimed that 14 scenes in Mary were lifted from his film?
The Farrelleys released this statement: "We've never heard of him-"
*Jack chuckles*
"We've never heard of his movie and it's all a bunch of bologna."
Well you can't say bologna to Vince because he slap the shit out of it
or he'll chop it up or throw it out his fucking window.
In 2000, Offer successfully sued Anna Nicole Smith for four million dollars!?
Claiming that Smith had agreed to be in his movie but backed out in 1996 over fears that appearing in the movie would be
detrimental to her career. Offer won the lawsuit but the case was settled anyway.
What the fuck?
On February 7th, my birthday! When I was 19 at this time. Offer was arrested in Miami Beach
Florida on a charge of felony battery after an altercation with a 26 year old sex worker!
Offer contended that he struck the prostitute when she "bit his tongue and would not let go."
Prosecutors later declined to file formal charges against either person.
Vince! You were the chosen one! You were my hero!
And now you had, you were with a prostitute
and she bit your tongue, so you beat the shit out of her?
Did everybody make Slap Chop jokes when this happened?
How did I miss this? 2009?
Oh I- I barely had the internet when I was 19
He beat up a prostitute cause she bit his tongue?
What the fuck Vince?
This was in 2009!
You made this other video in 2015?
He's still doing work after all of this?!
This man, he can sell you anything,
even after getting arrested for beating up a lady.
What the fuck is wrong!?
*sad Jack-a-boy*  I just had my world shattered. I just had every illusion about Vince...
I thought- *sad Jack-A-Boy sigh* I thought Vince Offer was gonna be my new dad.
I thought Vince Offer was gonna be the best man that could sell you anything.
Well, you know what, Vince you can't sell me on yourself anymore.
This is supposed to be Jacksepticeye's Funniest Home Videos, and I've let you all down.
I thought that I could just come here and give you the yuckels and the chuckles
but I can't apparently things get very sad.
You know what? I'll make an apology video tomorrow.
And the first line of it will be I'm sorry that you felt...
Something.
*slight chuckle*
Well I'm gonna have a go- I'm gonna have a go.
I'm gonna go have a long hard think
About my life, because now everything is up in the air and it's-
we have to go back and take a really long hard look
at myself. I'm just wondering if I can even get the
*pounds board* LAUGH
To come back into my life, but you know what they say
You live laugh and you lose some
and then Vince Offer gets his tongue bit and beats up a prostitute.
*outro begins playing*
Goodnight Everybody!!
["I'm Everywhere" by Teknoaxe plays]
Fucking Vince man, goddamnit! >:3
