 
### Contents

A Brave Little Craft 6

A Brief Respite Outside Of Time 7

A Ghost Who Drifts Among The World 7

A New Day Dawns 8

A Wanderer 8

A World Without Hope 9

Above The Mountains I Soar 10

Adrift On A Timeless Sea 11

After The Rain The Storm Is Spent 12

All Between Your Ears 12

Alone In The Darkness 13

An Angel Came To Me One Day 14

Are You Real? 14

Conception's Debt 15

Conflagration 15

Cry Me No More Tears 16

Dark The Fate 16

Dawning 16

Dialing It Up, Dialing It Down 17

Dreams And Time 17

Echoes Of Silence 18

End Of Days 18

Eternal Bed 19

Eternity 19

Evil Little Whispers 20

For Today I Will Experience Life 20

Few Understand 21

Forever Memories 21

Freedom Ahead 22

Heart Shredded By Razors Of Tears 22

Friends 23

Gentle Raindrops 24

Haiku - Rejection 24

Haiku - Conflict 24

Have You Ever? 25

Heaven Can Wait 27

Human Family - Butterfly Cinquain 27

High Atop A Crumbling Peak 28

Homeless Birds 29

Hope 30

I Am The Void And The Void Is Me 31

I Am Trying To Be A Happier Soul 32

I Need.... 33

I Once Was Sane 33

I Sing A Good Song 34

I Speak In Code 35

I'm On Top Of The World 35

Illusion 36

I'm Sorry 36

In My Darkened Sky 36

In A Land Of Darkness Am I Lost 37

Insanity 38

Joy 38

Into The Wind 39

Isolation 40

It Doesn't Work Anymore 41

Just Going Along 41

It Is The Cycle Of BP, It Is Your Life 42

I've Fought It Before, I'll Fight It Again 43

Just One Tiny Clue 44

Life Passing By 44

Life 45

Life Is 46

Lost In Time, Lost In Space 47

Masks 47

Meltdown 48

My Walls 48

My Life 49

My Mind's Meanderings 50

My World, My Life 51

Mythology Fulfilled 52

No Peace For Me Will There Ever Be 53

Normalcy 54

Out Of Space And Out Of Time 54

Normalcy - A Gift From God 55

Oh It's A Beautiful Day 56

Once I Wandered A Land 57

One Day At A Time 58

One Single Black Grain 59

One Way Glass 59

Pain Is Life 60

Poetry 62

Puffy White Cotton 62

Raindrops 63

Reach Out And Grab A Star 63

Shifting Rules 63

Short Circuit 64

Silence 64

Sometimes You Just Need To Bleed 65

Spring 65

Swirling Mists Of Illusion 66

Take Me Away, Way Over The Moon 66

Tears Of Joy 67

Thank You God For This Day 68

Thank You Lord For These Days 69

The Battle Rages Within 70

The Beast 71

The Beast And The Heart 72

The Beast He Is Me 73

The Blending Of The Days 74

The Blossom Failing (Haiku) 75

The Debt Is Mine To Pay 75

The Cheshire Cat 76

The Dying Of The Light 77

The Darkness Within Me 78

The Elevator 79

The Eternal Battle 80

The Eyes In The Mirror 80

The Fog 81

The Invisible Man 81

The Geometry Of The Cycles 82

The Hand Of The Fates 83

The Land Of The Lost 83

The Light At The End Of The Storm 85

The Light's Last Fading 86

The Maelstrom 87

The Man Who Lived In Layers 88

The Maze 89

The Night Is Dark And Full of Terrors 89

The Pane Of Glass That Separates 90

The Passing Of The Light 91

The Paths We Tread 92

The Peace Of A Bee 93

The Pit 94

The Real, True Power 95

The Redoubt 96

The Shadows Have Voices 96

The Return Of The Light 97

The Storm 98

The Story The Bards Do Tell 99

The Sun Peaks Out 99

The Stranger In The Mirror 100

The Tide 101

The Wings Of Time 101

The Unquiet Mind 102

The Vortex 103

The Walls Keep On Growing 103

The Wheel 104

The World Tipped And I Fell Off 105

Then He Sat Back And Laughed 106

There To Peruse The Lands Of Oz Once Again 107

There Will Be Not A Trace 108

This Moment In Time 108

This Time I Made It 109

Thoughts 110

Through A Glass Darkly 111

Through A Raindrop Filtered 112

Today Will Remain Ever The Same 113

Tonight May God Grant Me Some Sleep 114

Treasured Days 115

Truthful Honesty At Least In Part 115

Wander The Silvery Magical Ethereal Way 116

Weeping Heavens - A Quinzane 116

When Evil Beastie's Head First Reared 117

When My Hearts Stops It's Beating At Last 118

Where Have You Gone 119

Where Once Upon A Morn So Dreary 120

Whispers Of Madness 120

Who Am I 120

Where There Once Was Dark 121

Who Am I? Where Have I Gone? 122

Wired 123

Yeah.... 123

You Don't Know... 124

You Prayed For Help 125

#  A Brave Little Craft

I'm riding a boat in a wild torrent

A tiny little boat, a valiant craft

It's inundated with waves

From it's very fore to it's aft

Totally adrift, at the sea's mercy

No oars or rudder with which to steer

No way to keep steerage, no way at all

It's fate in the hands of God I fear

Little craft against the waves

I cry out like a little child

Stop it now. Stop it please

Little craft, adrift in the wild

Rocking, rocking, it's always rocking

To and fro, up and down, all around

I keep looking for landfall anywhere

Looking for it but it's not to be found

The little boat never does stop

No rest for it is to be found

It just keeps shaking, quaking

And rocking all around and round

Up one wave, o'er the bow it breaks

Down the next, down always down

First sliding then running

Down it goes, it can't be found

Faithful little boat never gives up

Riding the waves barely staying afloat

It keeps beating the elements

Keeps winning does this tiny boat

Hooray for this brave little craft

For without it I'd be dead in the sea

There is no one to provide rescue

So in the end I'm left with just me

#  A Brief Respite Outside Of Time

Adrift inside the world tonight

A shadow untouched by the light

Separated from discord and unity

Outside of the human community

Deep melancholy peace pervades

Hollow ache weakened o'er decades

All color right now has gone away

Perception bathed in shades of gray

Night's phantoms faintly calling

Foreign thoughts so enthralling

Alone with the self in the dark

Gently nursing the fading spark

A brief respite outside of time

Renews the soul, serene, sublime

#  A Ghost Who Drifts Among The World

A ghost who drifts among the world

Control inside an iron fist is curled

Stressed and cracked and now eroding

Endless struggle to prevent imploding

In silence screaming to all and none

Lost and wandering until life is done

Not one other permitted ever to see

There's nothing left, there is no me

#  A New Day Dawns

The sun at last has risen

A golden orb in the East

Magical rays bathing all

A sight for eyes to feast

Cloudless cyan blue sky

Set aglow by golden light

Endless expanse of magic

All the world now so bright

Evil darkness gone at last

Vanquished by mighty sun

It may be just one day

I'll take each and every one

Gloria from on high above

All awash in golden rays

The dark is ever creeping

For now sun fills the days

#  A Wanderer

A wanderer in an empty world

Deep shadows over all unfurled

Lost and lonely circles of light

Feebly try to push back the night

The stars still twinkle way up high

Among the trees the winds still sigh

On sandy shores waves still roll

Amid the normalcy one lost soul

Amid the darkness thoughts swirled

Endlessly he wanders an empty world

#  A World Without Hope

So dark and dreary

Not one ray of light

No not even nearly

Not a possibility one

To be found in the land

For without any hope

Live is ever so bland

Good things just will not come

Better days will never be found

If you cannot hope for them

They will never come round

Hope is belief in better things

It is trusting it won't always be bad

It is believing that it will improve

It is knowing you won't always be sad

So give yourself hope for another day

All you must do is to believe

Or the sadness that weighs on your soul today

Will never end, it will never leave

May the good Lord grant me this prayer

A day without hope may I never face

It is an integral part of what I am

A poor member of the human race

#  Above The Mountains I Soar

I'm running oh so high

When I'm high I'm fast

That's when I feel good

The die has been cast

My thoughts spin so fast

Round and round and again

Remembering everywhere

That I've ever once been

They're spinning away now

Flying this way, that way

I don't know what to do

Or what I should say

Sleep is one thing

That I don't need

When I'm going this way

Running with speed

Good thing too because

It's something I'll not get

When I'm flying this high

I will lay you a bet

The sky's the limit

And the world's my own

There's nothing for which

I think I must atone

Riding hypomanic winds

Above the mountains I soar

It's a joy and a wonder

And it's never a bore

Someday it will end

And to earth I'll return

But for now I'll soar

Like a rocket I'll burn

#  Adrift On A Timeless Sea

The waves lap gently at the sides

The tiny splash of their passing

Almost unnoticed among the eons

The sails flap ever so lazily

Stirred but slightly by the mild breeze

The wake barely trails us as we drift

so calmly upon this ageless sea

Time passes us but we do not pass it

It stretches out forever both fore and aft.

Having come from nowhere

Taking forever getting from there to here

We have no place to go

And we're in no rush to get there

We have forever to arrive there

We are adrift on an timeless sea

The days pass endlessly

Never the same but ever changing

Always the quiet lap of the waves

The same gently stirring breeze

The hypnotic ripple of our tiny wake

Horizons never changing

Yet never standing still

The sea carries us but we go nowhere

Someday we may arrive there

We pass onward, ever onward

Going nowhere with no undue haste

Slowly, inexorably we pass into the sunset

To glide our way out of the sunrise on the morrow,

the ever unchanging tomorrow

We await the storm, the one we're sure will come

The inestimable fury, the waves lashing at us,

The winds making the sails crack as they whip

Our wake will be lengthened, we'll gather speed

With all haste we will head for home

Across the ageless expanse of the timeless sea

#  After The Rain The Storm Is Spent

After the rain the storm is spent

Roiling clouds are by rainbows rent

Golden sunbeams their warmth bestow

On raindrop dampened earth below

Once wind whipped air now quiescent

The musty dampness so evanescent

Mother Earth's face washed clean anew

Life refreshed beneath skies now blue

#  All Between Your Ears

A mind is a traitorous thing

Filled with foreign thoughts

that you know are not your own

Two halves perpetually at war

Each hating the other unto death

Violent confrontation

Unyielding hatred

Despair and self loathing

Suicidal ideations

Twisting, turning

Never resting

Never pausing

Eternally unquiet

All between your ears

#  Alone In The Darkness

Alone in the darkness, can't you see?

There's nothing left inside of me

I shout and I scream, there's nothing here

Cause the darkness is all, that's what I fear

The shouts echo and rebound all around

There's nothing here, naught to be found

Through the window life is out there

Here I sit lost, alone and nowhere

Give me but a taste of that life

Without the darkness full of strife

Feel the hatred, the sorrow and pain

Taste the tears that pour down like rain

While all the world passes me by

I sit here alone, my eye's aren't dry

The loneliness is worse it comes from within

There is life all around, if I could only get in

Walls of my making, they're walls of thick steel

Walling me off so I don't have to feel

But they work two ways those walls of mine

Of life and laughter they give no sign

Only darkness and death await me here

But don't you worry, shed not a tear

For I built these walls a long time ago

And of my despair I'll try not to show

Alone in the darkness, can't you see?

This loneliness is all caused by me

#  An Angel Came To Me One Day

An angel came to me one day

In self pity I pushed him away

He returned with a mighty host

Too late for I was now a ghost

Hold my hand he pleaded with me

I bring caring hearts for thee

Darkness ruled, I could not accept

Leave me alone in hot tears I wept

Self pity does my soul corrupt

From agony does madness erupt

Leave me alone, no love I deserve

From an icy cold grave never swerve

Few friends perhaps did truly care

I cut them all out in deep despair

Earned what I got 'tis really true

By what right do I this end rue?

#  Are You Real?

Are you real?

Do you feel?

The emptiness?

God won't bless

A heart of stone

That's all alone

In this world

Pain unfurled

Hear the voice

Just no choice

#  Conception's Debt

Lost in time, lost in space

Never one of the human race

Here today but gone tomorrow

Never let there be any sorrow

At conception each owes a death

A moment comes the end of breath

I hear it counts not how one dies

How you live is what wins the prize

If forever you've been dead inside

Dying's nothing from which to hide

#  Conflagration

A hungry conflagration consuming all

Fueled by rage unheedful of heart's call

Seers the soul then scorches the mind

A violent tempest all reason does unbind

The flames without are birthed within

A tortured soul all there has ever been

Never to abide this worthless entity

Loathsome despite destroys serenity

Baseless indictments strewn around

Unjustly berating each one that's found

When truly self is the target execrated

Apologies pointlessly too far belated

Excoriation of others is forever unjust

When hatred of self is the source of lust

Shameful is the complete loss of control

The desire is to shred one's own soul

#  Cry Me No More Tears

Cry me no more tears

Tempt me no more laughs

Kill off all the feelings

Proclaim their epitaphs

Still all of the chaos

Nullify all the pain

Deaden all the nerves

Silence treacherous brain

Onward with gritted teeth

Steel walls to constrain

Keep the secret hidden

Never tell that I'm insane

#  Dark The Fate

Forward and back, round and round

Existence is spinning all around

Mind fractured, there and back

Emotions bleeding under attack

Soul withering from the assault

Dark the fate that's been wrought

#  Dawning

Dawning

Solar daybreak

Golden raybursts rising

Promise birthing anew aloft

Rebirth

#  Dialing It Up, Dialing It Down

Dialing it up, dialing it down

Dialing it all round and round

Way beyond the farthest stars

Ever onward, outward bound

An empty vacuum, no air around

To carry the piercing sound

Of those torturous screams

#  Dreams And Time

It seems

That dreams

Go on

And on

Forever

And ever

While time

sublime

drags out

no doubt

slowing

growing

creeping

sleeping

so slow

I know

#  Echoes Of Silence

The echoes of silence ring through the halls

Reverberating back and forth from the walls

At times the sound of silence is penetrating

Intense decibels start eardrums disintegrating

Intense waves of silence washing back and forth

Screams of silence insuring turmoil henceforth

A massive weight this killing lack of sound

Bouncing between the ears round and round

Until a bullet ventilates the top of the head

Loosing the silence and then you are dead

After the cessation of extreme violence

At the end you are left with - silence

#  End Of Days

Time drags on and on forever

Seconds become minutes and

Minutes become hours become days

When is the end of days?

#  Eternal Bed

Sinking, sinking into the night

As proceeds the dying of the light

Naught but I know where this trends

Ever more certain of where it ends

An icy cold grave calling me nigh

Pushing up daisies towards the sky

Agony reverberating inside my head

Only ends buried in my eternal bed

#  Eternity

Everything is cold, damp and gray

The oppressive dark a mere breath away

Restraining, drowning, dragging down

Viscously smothering every last sound

Tendrils choking, gagging, gasping for air

Dead eyes frozen in a thousand yard stare

Nullity, empty, no pain, not a single tear

The light, the dark all that's left to fear

Death fills all, not a single life's spark

Subsumed body and soul by the icy cold dark

Nothing is here and there's nothing ahead

Eternity is nothingness after you're dead

#  Evil Little Whispers

Evil little whispers between the ears

Pushing, pushing, trying for tears

Tiny nuggets all filled up with hate

Insistent assertions of doom by fate

Poison filled daggers cause such pain

Bending, twisting, warping the brain

Simple whispers so maliciously bent

A cacophonous silence of evil intent

Driving the mind beyond edge of madness

Agonized screams fill it with gladness

Keep pushing until the embrace of death

When at last has ceased every last breath

#  For Today I Will Experience Life

Dark depression stay away

Because today I want to play

I don't need no tears a dripping

Down my warm cheeks a slipping

In darkened bed I'll not stay

Because I want to live today

The fires of hell shall not have me

The light of life today I will see

Though in the shadows the demon hides

Today in my soul he never abides

Though he may have me on the morrow

Today he just will cause me no sorrow

For today I will experience life

And for now there'll be no strife

#  Few Understand

What can you do when all is moot?

When in the end you can't give a hoot?

Pointless it seems that all must be

Cannot best the beast inside of me

A most sly, cunning monster is he

All eternity he has to torture me

Patience of pure hatred is his power

While alone in vile darkness I cower

He knows me better then even do I

The best of me he twists to make me cry

Towards evil he turns all I hold dear

As I cringe before him in abject fear

Even the mercy of God he blots out

No path round his walls can I scout

His essence shear agony and fear

Stronger he grows with each single tear

Alone and isolated he keeps me caged

While I've weakened each year that I've aged

Few understand it's not death I seek

I just can't go on, I've grown so weak

#  Forever Memories

Memories spin round and round

Names of friends no longer found

To whom I gifted a piece of my heart

Gone but always of me they're a part

Pursuing their life here or wherever

I gave them my love, it is forever

#  Freedom Ahead

Freedom comes when all is lost

The prize paid at great cost

When nothing's left and no hope

No more need to try to cope

The chips lie where they fall

Heed at last the beastly call

Fewer and fewer every day

Care at all that I go away

With a whisper comes the end

Never more to this world offend

#  Heart Shredded By Razors Of Tears

Heart shredded by razors of tears

Rivers of dark crimson running down

In jagged streaks of pain drowning

Agonized screams of piercing sound

The icy darkness a crushing weight

Despair torments the hopeless soul

Satan dancing a victorious wild jig

Sonorously mournful the bells all toll

Inside a black hole devours the light

Winter's death is now the only season

Any breath of hope gone forever more

Why suffer on when there is no reason?

#  Friends

The darkness is deep

But you have no fear

Because you know

They will be here

When you're drowning in pain

And you're full of despair

You won't be alone

As long as they're there

When you stumble and fall

Just can't hold yourself up

They will be there to hold you

While you drink from this cup

When you feel so lost

And ever so alone

They'll be there to tell you

You've no need to atone

Who are these people

So wonderful and true

That will never, ever

Abandon you?

They're the best in the world

Right to it's ends

These people who save you

They are your friends

#  Gentle Raindrops

Gentle raindrops falling down

Tears from heaven now abound

Even God cries sometimes...

#  Haiku - Rejection

The deformed petal

Rejected falls to the earth

Eternally alone

#  Haiku - Conflict

Animal nature

Resents higher ideals

Who is the victor?

#  Have You Ever?

Have you ever needed to call out

To the world 'Help me please'?

Only to know that it's not

something you do with ease

Have you ever looked in the mirror

And seen a stranger staring back?

The face looks familiar

But your soul the eyes do lack

Have you ever longed to cry out

To the world 'Do you care? '

Ready to tell it all

Your soul to lay bare

Have you ever walked that line

Between sane and totally insane?

You stop and then you realize

No one cares just the same

Have you ever been to the edge,

just to stand there and stare?

Longing to take the plunge,

Too scared to chance the dare

Have you ever stood inside

A world so full of light?

yet inside you it's so dark

You think you've lost your sight.

Have you ever hated it all

And longed for it to end?

The only thing left to do

Is for you to decide when?

Have you ever walked that line

Between sane and totally insane?

You know it soon has to end

To stop this awful pain

Have you ever had that curtain

Pulled back to show the light.

Suddenly the shadow's in retreat

And the world's revealed, so bright

Have you ever stood there stunned

By all the life that you surrounds.

Filled with peace and joy,

Love of life in you abounds

Have you ever felt that pain

you've lived with all your life

take a leave of absence,

to cause you no more strife

Have you ever walked that line

Between sane and totally insane?

But now it's lost the power

to cause you so much pain

Have you ever watched the sun

As it peeks out of clouds so dark.

The halo that surrounds it

Ignites life's mighty spark

Have you ever felt such peace

that to your eyes it brings tears,

Filled with all the wonder

Of vanquishing your fears

Have you ever met an angel,

Sent by God when you're in need

To smash away the darkness,

Victory is guaranteed

Have you ever walked that line

Between sane and totally insane?

The angel strides before you,

lights the way towards the sane

Have you ever?

#  Heaven Can Wait

Heaven would be hell without you

Songs of angels shaded in blue

Eternal sunlight dimmed to gray

Endless peace shredded in dismay

When comes to pass my final date

We go together or heaven can wait

#  Human Family - Butterfly Cinquain

Journey

Beyond the me

To union, let it be

Brother, sister, future you see?

The we

Each of us a leaf on the tree

Tied in real unity

Now can you see?

Family

#  High Atop A Crumbling Peak

High atop a crumbling peak

Whipped by driven gales

Eager to hurl me off

Up above a gray, turbulent sky

Writhes with the beat of madness

Split asunder in violent cracks

Jagged flashes rend tumultuous clouds

Birthing ionized radicals

And crushing sonic booms

Pounding frozen hydrogen dioxide

Predatory in it's focused intent

Single mindedly bent upon destruction

Hungry in it's need to smash me down

On one side the one time haven

A turbulent, throbbing, seething mass

Inundates the defensive levees

Smashing them with driven madness

All succor lost to passing eons

Now suppurates in twisted chaos

The other side an abysmal pit

Infinite immensity raging with hate

A malevolent icy cold darkness

Rife with turbulent hell fire

A sea of conflagrant teeth

Ravenously needful to burn and shred

Heart, soul and mind to eradicate

Precarious atop the vanishing peak

The battered protective bubble stressed

By the endless eons of savage assault

Depleted beyond exhaustion's boundary

Degraded by spider webbed fractures

Still holds against unrelenting onslaught

How much more can it's integrity take?

How long can it continue to endure?

At what point comes the final rupture?

That presages the end of all that's me?

#  Homeless Birds

The little birds fly round and round

Looking for a home that can't be found

Chirping and twittering, so many sounds

Looking for the joy that in life abounds

It's here somewhere they know in their heart

If only I could help them with that part

Lost little birds without any home

Doomed forever to just simply roam

Lest help from someone they can find

But to that hope they just cannot bind

Still hope they have never given up

'tis why they fly down then they fly up

For somewhere there must be a place they belong

So they will keep circling for ever, so long

Their song rings out and calls to my ears

They battle onward despite all their fears

I pledge them my life if I can only but help

More promise I've made then since I was a whelp

For their flight is my own, I've flown it before

When I thought that all hope had flown out the door

#  Hope

Hope is a wondrous magical thing

Take it away and with it goes everything

All light, all happiness, all peace

It all goes away

But preserve it and you preserve everything

You can withstand anything,

Stand up to the worst that life throws at you

Hold on when everything goes against you

You can withstand the pain of loss

And the hell of love lost

The worst the enemy can throw

Is but a pittance to the power of hope

It's an amazing creature

It survives when all else is lost

It needs but a single spark

to preserve your life and sanity

It needs so little to survive

A mere possibility is all it requires

It doesn't need to be fed

It survives on it's own

You can tell it to end

but until every possibility

is exhausted

It will never die

It never gives up,

It never surrenders

It asks no favors

It needs little feed

But it thrives on

a single chance

Just one is all it needs

One chance the key

They say hope springs eternal

I'm here to call them right

Hope never truly dies

Nor gives up the fight

#  I Am The Void And The Void Is Me

I drift in the void.

Alone, not even echoes to accompany me

Motionless, I spin through life

But it doesn't touch me

Abandoned by all

Neither do I touch life

Nothing to slow me down

Nothing to halt the spin

I am a hole in the fabric of life

A vacuum at it's center

I am the void, the void is me

It has consumed me

I am antimatter in the universe

Polar opposite to the matter of the world

I am nothing

A complete absence of all

A black whole in the substance of the universe

I drift anywhere, nowhere, everywhere

All of life passes me by

Passes right through me

I am without form,

Without substance

Nothing touches me

No joy, no pain, no love, no hatred, no tears

For I am the void and the void is me

#  I Am Trying To Be A Happier Soul

It has lifted, this dark and black mood

But I fear that it's not gone for good

It's still there at the edges somewhere

It makes me want to pull out my hair

I'm torn 2 ways, ever up and back down

Don't know where I'm going but I haven't a frown

Not a smile is there ever to be found

It's lost in the snow covered ground

But no frown is there upon my face

Not a one, not the slightest trace

I know that I'm moving out there somewhere

But the direction I'm going is up in the air

My mood is uncertain, it's changing somehow

If it doesn't get better then I will have a cow

My nerves they are frayed, all over I shake

I feel that I'm standing in an earthquake

My head is clogged with thoughts of all kind

I don't know whose they are but they aren't mine

I can't sleep a wink, not one little bit

The thoughts are running, it just doesn't fit

The world is spinning, it simply won't stop

I want off of this wildly whirling top

Like the world I spin around and around

The way to stop me hasn't been found

I know this spinning will stop someday

If only it happens before death comes my way

It exhausts me and makes me ever so tired

On the bottom I bounce, in the mud I am mired

I know that someday better it will be

This depressive person cannot be me

I am trying to be a happier soul

I don't know which way the dice will roll

#  I Need....

I need... an amorphous SOMETHING....

Some otherworldly magical life line

The need is appallingly overwhelming

Something out of space and out of time

Sickeningly weak and unable to stand

And face the world on my own two feet

I don't want yet I need a helping hand

Disgusts me so that my face I do beat

Obligations, connections are all around

Shackles that lock me into a fake non-life

They are all lost, nowhere to be found

Pangs of loneliness in my soul are rife

If in heaven a loving God there may be

He'll allow me to end it once and for all

For surely it is plain the waste that is me

Please let me answer death's peaceful call

#  I Once Was Sane

I once was sane but now I'm not

Insane thoughts in my head I've got

Thoughts of tearing and bashing all I see

Thoughts of smearing and smashing even me

I once was sane but now I'm crazy

In my head everything is hazy

It's all a blur and so indistinct

I can't keep going on instinct

I once was sane but now I'm insane

Any hope of normalcy is on the wane

Leaving me doubting my very mind

Looking for something I can't find

I once was sane but now I'm not

All hopes and dreams have gone to rot

#  I Sing A Good Song

I sing a good song

Don't get me wrong

But when it comes down to it

I find that I'm just not fit

To give anyone wise words

That's just for the birds

How can I counsel you

When I'm lost there too

Think not of death I cried

All the while inside me died

Get some air I said

While laying in my bed

You are worth it I crowed

While convinced I'm a load

I counseled you be strong

While knowing I was wrong

Strength is not for such as us

We don't have tickets for that bus

Life's God's gift to us I said

Always knowing where it led

To a lock it does lead

To unwanted life indeed

You are unique I stated

While life inside me waited

For the death that comes for sure

That will make everything so pure

It's not your fault I told you

And all the time I blame me too

I fear I've led you astray

It just won't ever go away

Death is the only sure escape

Superman I'm not, I have no cape

I'm just a man who thought he knew

But now I'm ready to join you too

#  I Speak In Code

I speak in code

Of things forbode

From deep inside

My twisted mind

Where alien voice

Assaults all choice

#  I'm On Top Of The World

I'm spinning round like a top

I never know where I'll stop

My thoughts they are a racing

And my feet they are a pacing

My hands they are trembling

Calm they're not resembling

My head it is awhirl,

I'm on top of the world

It's mine to do with as I please

Love and peace will never cease

It all lies at my feet

I will give me a treat

Lightning bolts I will hurl

From on high, the top of the world

Don't worry, if you've no hate

Then you'll not suffer that fate

Those with love I will gather

Everyone, it doesn't matter

Brothers we'll be, one and all

We will hold this world in thrall

So it's best you be full of love

Or off this world you I'll shove

#  Illusion

It is all just an illusion

A painful, bloody contusion

Reality so adverse

Silently rage and curse

Lost in endless confusion

#  I'm Sorry

I'm sorry is but a song we sing

When we break someone's wing

Worthless words in the air

If when spoken we don't care

If inside us they are real

Broken hearts they may heal

#  In My Darkened Sky

The world is black and so am I

The light never shines

In my darkened sky

The moon's not high

The stars don't twinkle

In my darkened sky

The cold is nigh

The black is palpable

In my darkened sky

#  In A Land Of Darkness Am I Lost

In a land of black darkness am I lost

I want out of this land no matter the cost

I'm tired of tears burning down my face

Of the thoughts setting my heart to race

Thoughts of death, of peace at last

It's set in stone, the die is cast

The emptiness that eats me alive

Is buried way down deep inside

It sucks up my soul and spits it out

The pain of it makes me shout

On the wind my cries are blown

No one to hear, away they've flown

Still in my head the echoes ring

But of love and joy I'll never sing

For no heart is inside of me

Just a hole like you'll never see

With death I have a date ahead of me

A date from which I cannot flee

Not at all do I worry over my fate

Peace at last, I just can't wait

#  Insanity

Whirling, twirling flashes of thought

Disharmony and discord is wrought

Kaleidoscopic, fractured images of color

Running down in endless streaks galore

A viciously spinning, sucking whirlpool

Eagerly devouring this weak, pitiful fool

Jagged flashes scorch mind's terrain

In the end is nothing but endless pain

# Joy

Joy is a treasure to behold

It lightens the heart,

Or so I am told

Often sought, seldom found

It is the grease that

Lets this world go round

It is indeed a treasure

One of a few that

Always bring you pleasure

Yes joy is made of gold spun thread

So fragile yet so valuable

Always longed for, so it is said

So today seek your greatest joy

Don't treat it lightly

For your greatest joy isn't a toy

Wrap it tight in your arms

Treasure it always.

Ever keep it from harm

It'll serve you well when the chips are down

When the sun stops shining

When on your face grows a frown

#  Into The Wind

The wind blowing in my face

Sets my strong heart to race

The road that beneath my feet rolls by

Carries me to that great orb in the sky

White lines and blacktop stretching out

Leading to freedom without a doubt

Into the bend, scraping the pegs

The power throbs between my legs

Wide open throttle down the straight

Then hard on the brakes before it's too late

It matters not turning left or turning right

Each vista I pass is a brand new sight

One with the road going who knows where

Someplace off in the distance right over there

Listen sharp I hear the road calling me

I answer that call cause it sets me free

The wind in my face carries me away

To the land of my dreams on this beautiful day

Live free or die I have heard it said

On my two wheels I will never be led

The wind and the blacktop show me the way

To a land where dreams ever hold sway

#  Isolation

The walls press in like weights

The silence hangs like the dead sea

I'm the one who lately hates

The stillness that surrounds me

Other bodies fill my home

Noise and commotion do abound

Yet here I sit alone

In stillness with no sound

My head's full of the dark

My heart's broken in two

To my memories I do hark

They press in on me too

I'm isolated again

When facing others I just balk

Yet I remember when

I had friends with whom to talk

The loneliness is pain

It wreaks havoc in my soul

I'm sitting here again

The hurt takes it's toll

Don't know where I went wrong

That I deserve this ache

To be alone all day long

Is more then I can take

My world lacks any light

No joy does it contain

There's nothing that is bright

It's full of only pain

#  It Doesn't Work Anymore

Positive, negative, yin and yang

Ripped to shreds by bloodied fang

Here and now nothing makes sense

Nerves quivering so taught and tense

Rotten corruption buried deep inside

Driven to escape, run away and hide

No place in this world to ever belong

A puss filled blot, existence is wrong

On all the universe a most evil curse

A cancer, a chancre, even something worse

#  Just Going Along

Just going along, doing my thing

Come what may, where it might lead

Upstream or down it matters not

Seeking peace, alone is what I need

Passing all by, unseen as a phantom

Near and afar, o'er the edge and back

A smoky thin ghost made of vapor

An unseen and unseeable enigma

Untouched and untouchable forever

Ever apart from the world around

No place in reality whatsoever

#  It Is The Cycle Of BP, It Is Your Life

First it goes up then it goes down

Forever it goes around and around

Never resting, always spinning on and on

Destroying the mind till all sanity's gone

Inward it rolls then it turns out

Placing your sanity always in doubt

Never resting, never slowing

You never know where it is going

It carries with it your hopes and dreams

All resting on a whim or so it seems

It tosses them over here and there

It treats them without any care

Your sanity is it's play thing

No truth from it ever does ring

It makes you always question your mind

Places in doubt of what is it's kind

Onward it spins, forever it rolls

Never mindful of the pain it doles

Relationships it wrecks, lives it destroys

Plays with them like they are so many toys

It has no compassion, it never feels sorrow

It cares not a whit for today or tomorrow

All that matters is it spins like a top

And that it will never come to a stop

It is the cycle of BP, it is your life

It's always there, ever causing you strife

#  I've Fought It Before, I'll Fight It Again

The blackness, ever the black

Always the dark, never the light

It saps my strength, kills my resolve

It's impossible to continue the fight

This way I look, that way I stare

But I cannot see anything at all

To help me grasp the walls of the pit

I just cannot arrest my steep fall

It sucks at me, sucks at me

It drains all my will

That it is back at all

It is a most bitter pill

I have no defenses

Nothing left at all

All light in the world

It causes to pall

This pit that I'm in

Is ever so deep

I think that this day

Away I must sleep

If only my mind

Would shut down for good

In the sleep of the grave

Forever rest I could

The bitterness of hatred

Is what I feel for myself

In sorrow and pain

Must I always delve

What a joke this is

So rotten and cruel

This isn't funny

Nor is it a duel

I've fought it before

And I'll fight it again

I just wish that it didn't

Bring such goddamn pain

#  Just One Tiny Clue

I am... I have no clue

Just what am I?

Or maybe ask who?

Am I just a lie?

Would you give a hint?

Just one tiny clue?

I would give a mint

To just know who

# Life Passing By

I walk outside and hear their voices

See them standing, walking, making choices

Actions and interactions,

Each forming their own reactions

So much life all around

But none in me to be found

I watch it pass me on by

Feel like a satellite in the sky

Life so near yet it's so far

The world's there, the door ajar

It's tempting as a cake

Yet I cannot partake

I stand and watch, all alone

Listening like I'm on a phone

I want to join in that life

But I just can't seem to get it right

#  Life

Darkness and gloom is all that you'll see

Nary a spark to light the way will there be

Pain and suffering will fill you, it's true

The pain will consume you no matter what you do

Then loneliness and loss will make it a hell

The loss will be great, whatever you tell

Next despair will come to cap off the bill

Lost in this hell, regardless of your will

The suffering is greater then whatever you know

It's a hell on earth, where ever you go

This is life, the life that you choose

The one they tell you never to lose

They, the ones who haven't a clue

What it's like to be only you

What a wonder this life is they'll say

Without ever living a second of your day

They'll tell you how valuable it is

Without a clue of the pain that is

They'll say that you must soldier on

For them and for you, march ever on

They'll make you guilty for wanting out

But they haven't a clue, without a doubt

I'm here to tell you there's a better way

You can end it forever on any day

All you need to do is be strong and true

You can end the pain and the darkness too

Choose to exit this life of despair

It's the only way that to you is fair

Do it now before it's too late

And the pain becomes too great

#  Life Is

Life is a sunset

Life is a sunrise

Life is a baby's smile

Life is her first steps

Life is the first bike ride, without training wheels

Life is a warm hug

Life is a loving kiss

Life is love

Life is the burble of a brook

Life is the sigh of the breeze through the trees

Life is a thunderstorm

Life is a rainbow after the thunderstorm

Life is the chuckles after a joke

Life is friends, may they always be there

Life is beautiful

Life is a gift

Life is a treasure

life is something I'm trying for, desperately.

Life is worth dieing for

Life is something that seems to escape me, the harder I chase it, the faster it runs away

Life is... everything

#  Lost In Time, Lost In Space

Lost in time, lost in space

Never will I join this race

Soldier ants make their rounds

I just sit here out of bounds

Rocky walls are all around

Blocking life that abounds

Lost connections slip away

Came to play, lost today

Sitting here in the dark

To life's call cannot hark

All alone, locked far away

Maybe I'll live another day

#  Masks

Masks cover layers unseen

Hide tears behind a screen

Keep out the world so mean

Heart saved from edge so keen

Layers upon layers so deep

Our souls in safety do keep

E'er the watch forsakes sleep

Save us from the pain we reap

One mask, two masks, three

Hide us so not one can see

Except those we make trustee

Even then they cannot see me

#  Meltdown

Shattered bedrock, endless quakes

Foundation crumbled, shifting sands

Violent raging rivers of madness

Sweeping across all of the lands

This simply can no longer go on

Raining destruction everywhere

No innocents deserve exposure

For not one lifeform is it near fair

Of this world doomed never to be part

The raving beast from deep in the mind

Down it must be put like a rabid dog

Then me the world can put at last behind

# My Walls

Behind forbidding immense walls ever to dwell

Built to restrain an intensely personal hell

Primary function not to protect me from you

Instead to insure you never share my hell too

Beautiful hearts work to disassemble the walls

Heart to heart ever their love to me calls

But the evil cold darkness hiding on the inside

Would destroy all the beauty, that I cannot abide

So in raging madness forced repeatedly to flee

Desperately repairing the walls to imprison me

So the evil beast inside can harm no one I love

Keep them safe from me I plead to God above

#  My Life

My life is a bright and shining star

That I must worship from afar

My life is love so pure and true

And all the joy in my world too

My life is so precious and charmed

And I must never let it be harmed

My life is full of wonder and awe

At what my life is, that's all

My life always brings me smiles

Across the distance, all the miles

My life is happiness and joy

Makes me feel like a little boy

My life is beauty ever so deep

Once it was mine all to keep

My life is my everything and all

Forever and a day, holds me in thrall

I'll miss my life once it's gone

But forever my love marches on

Love of life, love so strong

I'll never let it go wrong

My life is all the world to me

'Cause it's my life, don't you see?

My life is my life

#  My Mind's Meanderings

An oblate spheroid covered in blues and greens

Here and there spots of brown,

the top and bottom covered in white,

So huge yet so tiny

Half of it in bright light,

the other half in shadow

The light side shadowed by clouds

On the shadowed side can be seen myriad spots of light

Move closer and you can see features

Through the clouds

Oceans and continents

Great rivers and seas

Closer still and mountain ranges stand out

Chasms and canyons, great mountains and forests

Tiny spots that become cities

Almost lost in the vastness

And closer still -

Those cities become buildings

Vast to the ants that crawl among them

Moving purposefully about their business

Each tiny ant a person,

Each person a world unto themself

With wants and needs,

Fears and hopes

A microcosm inside the vast macrocosm of the planet

Yet the planet is but a spec in the eye of the cosmos

It calls itself home to all of us

It's insignificance is awe inspiring

How can we be so important

When our home is but a tiny spec

Among other specs, among still others

Wipe it away and the universe will scarce take notice

All things will go on as they must

#  My World, My Life

My world is dark as midnight

It's dark and lonely

And it smothers the light

Cause I am the only

My world is bright as the sun

Full of life and light

So much joy and such fun

Everything so right

Then the shadows come back

All self hatred and pain

It's all so off track

the tears flow like rain

Followed again by the light of day

All energy and smiles

Please let it stay

Over all of the miles

The cycle continues

Of darkness and light

It tests nerves and sinews

And sanity takes flight

Normallity I taste

Every once in a while

But hope is a waste

I dare not defile

This life is mine

The one God gave me

Maybe not so fine

Think I'll just let it be

#  Mythology Fulfilled

I soared on waxen wings high above the pit

An intensely rapid flight, higher, ever higher

Mythology fulfilled, too close to blazing orb

Wings melted, I plunged down into hell fire

Up, down, whirling about, round and round

Mind twisted, evil thoughts bred of the beast

Soul shredded, bloody wounds old and new

Agonized torment, self despite ever unreleased

The grave's icy darkness suffuses the cave

Despair and loneliness permeates the air

Fumes of bubbling madness roil about

Paralyzing fear of the life that's out there

Safely ensconced inside the stone walls

In there I will never be faced with myself

Protecting the world from the vile tempest

Interring for eternity this most ugly elf

#  No Peace For Me Will There Ever Be

The beast is coming, he is back

And he will cut me no slack

Closer he creeps, stronger he grows

How to stop him nobody knows

His steely claws dug deep in my head

I'm here to get you is what he said

To grab you and make you wish to die

I hear him say it with naught but a sigh

Ice cold fingers of death and doom

Fill my head with nothing but gloom

Into my mind like a thief he creeps

And into me all his evil seeps

It's no use fighting him it seems

He's there to ruin all of my dreams

Like the tide he just can't be stopped

Not even when all my bubbles are popped

Inward he sneaks and stronger he grows

Why he comes each of us knows

He'll make me weep, my sanity destroy

He treats my heart like his own little toy

Into shreds he'll rip my sacred soul

Nothing but sorrow will he dole

His playground will be my precious mind

I cannot fight him with anything in kind

He is strength where I am so weak

Yet some peace is all that I seek

No peace for me will there ever be

As long as his war washes over me

#  Normalcy

Outside the sun's not shining

The temperature's nice and cool

It's nowhere near nice enough

To go swimming in the pool

But in here, in my heart and soul

It's so warm and oh so sunny

That I feel I'm blinded by the light

It's so bright it's not even funny

Things have changed for the better

I'm full of normalcy and good feelings

The dark is gone and the light is back

I thank the Lord for these healings

Now to the future I am looking

Eagerly and with so much hope

The future is so much brighter

Then the jewelry worn by the Pope

# Out Of Space And Out Of Time

Out of space and out of time

Waiting for that magic chime

A bell rings when all is done

Signals goodbye to everyone

Tic toc tic toc tic toc

Ever onward goes the clock

Never back and it cannot pause

There is but one escape clause

Whirling round, over the top

Will it never, ever stop?

Voices rebound forth and back

Cunning beast plots his attack

Vicious onslaught on the walls

Against the attack all life palls

Darkened shadows enshroud my soul

Within the light I am but a hole

#  Normalcy - A Gift From God

What others take for granted

What they have very day

I cannot lose sight of

If on this earth I want to stay

I like the feel, love the sound

Of being normal this day

Not sane or insane,

Only normal in every way

Except there is no only

To this gift that I've been given

The pain of the insanity

Has had it's strength truly riven

A gift is what it is for me,

But it's only a normal day for you

A true gift that I've been given

And a special prize for me too

No more insanity raving through me,

No more pain and tears flowing

No more emptiness inside me

For normalcy is now growing

No more racing thoughts and feelings

No more more risky behavior too

No more cutting, burning, punching

No more hiding in the loo

No more wishing for my death

No more planning to be dead

No more feeling bad and sad

For all the tears that I have shed

No more darkness to rule my life

Only joy and peace are sounding

The sanity has come back to me

And the light it is abounding

Normalcy is a gift from God

A treasure to be guarded

A gem rare and beautiful

And in my life it has started

#  Oh It's A Beautiful Day

Oh it's a beautiful day

Beneath the rain today

All is brown and gray

No colors, no way

All peaceful and still

As I walk up the hill

That ahead of me stands

Above all of the lands

With the cliff at the end

Like an earth's wound on the mend

Back there's where I'll stand

And survey all of the land

Stare at the gray lake

My breath it will take

Perchance to see a deer

Passing ever so near

The woods now are dying

As I stand here now crying

For the woods have sown

In me so alone

A sense of great peace

That will never cease

#  Once I Wandered A Land

Once I wandered a land of beauty and light

One where all things were trimmed in gold

Where joy filled the heart

And all things were possible

Where birds sang giving song to your soul

where green trees gave the breeze it's sigh

Where flowers peopled the land with color

Where hope was abundant, even overflowing

Where all was good and love abounded

Once I wandered a land full of peace

Now where has the land gone?

I feel like Thomas Covenant come back to the land

just to find it withered and dying

For the land is a wasteland

Filled with grief and suffering

Eternal night rules the sky

And everlasting blackness cloaks to land

The trees are mere gnarled hulks of themselves

Not a green leaf to be found

The flowers are gone, replaced by desecration

The birds have all left to seek greener pastures

Despair now fills the heart

And hopelessness rules the soul

Hatred and putrefaction rule the land

There is no peace, no beauty or light to be found

Once I wandered a land.... now I hide from it.

#  One Day At A Time

A new day dawns, bright and clear

And with it all the things that I hold dear

Yesterday's gone with all it's trouble and woe

The emptiness has been filled, I love it so

Tomorrow's a dream that may never come

Today's all I have until it is done

One day at a time is all that there is

A single day is all, I'll make it my biz

For today I'll be fine, I shall not cry

I shall not hurt nor wonder why

I shall not let the ringing echoes get me

I'll keep the loneliness at bay, you'll see

I'll let the sunshine in to brighten life

I shall not be bothered by all the strife

One day at a time is all I can do

Today is here and I'll live it too

For today I'll love life in all it's glory

I'll make sure it's not the end of the story

No more shall I try to bring an end to it all

When those thoughts come for help I shall call

When the pain is too much I won't sit alone

And never shall I sweat trying to atone

One day at a time is how I shall live

And each day I shall give it all I can give

#  One Single Black Grain

On a wave washed crystal white beach

Uncountable billions of grains of sand

Perfect beauty from the sun's own bleach

Shimmers of purity stretch across the land

Countless grains in harmonious alignment

A unity of purpose engenders a magical scene

An elusive sense of near perfect refinement

But for a singular blemish glaringly obscene

Forlorn and lost among endless white grains

One ugly black speck jarringly discordant

The artful wonder of this beach it stains

Amid the perfection a scar most mordant

No place on this beach will it ever belong

Among vast numbers of grains eternally alone

While glowing white grains make melodious song

A harsh dissonant shriek that ruins the tone

#  One Way Glass

Enveloped in one way glass

Allowing pain to enter inside

Yet outward none shall pass

Inner darkness the place to hide

No one looks, not one can see

Through cold impenetrable wall

The madness raging inside of me

Into the grave the voices e'er call

#  Pain Is Life

The world is black

The world is blue

There's nothing but pain

inside of you

The pain is back

It's here to stay

It'll never leave

No matter what you say

It's all there is

You should be grateful

It's something there

Emptiness is more hateful

So your life is empty

That is so true

You'd best get a life

And stop being so blue

The emptiness is you

and you are it

You'd better get control

before you get bit

You miss your life

The tears are flowing

The pain inside you

Just keeps growing

But pain is life

and life is pain

Stop those tears

That flow like rain

Be happy for the pain,

It confirms you're alive

Better then the emptiness

Against which you strive

You're numb today

The pain won't kill you

But it'll keep on hurting

No matter what you do

So embrace the pain

And know that you live

Let it run right through you

Like water through a sieve

Take that pain,

welcome it in your heart

It'll be there anyway

It's time for life to start

So you miss that life

The one that you knew

I'm sure it misses you

Much as you miss it too

But life goes on

This much I know

Because experience

Tells me so

No choice is a choice

That brings the default

It's the choice that you made

Now it's your fault

Live with the choice

Stop longing to die

Take on your life

And learn how to fly

Grow your wings

As you've been told you must

And leave this world

Alone in the dust

#  Poetry

Poetry, it washes clean

The heart of me

How it does that

I'll never see

When I am down

And so damn blue

It washes my soul

And my heart too

It weakens the night

And strengthens the light

Always does it

Restore my sight

When life is darkest

And I'm lost to the night

It restores my will

To keep up the fight

Thank God for poetry

Without it where would I be

I fear that I'd just

Lose every bit of me

#  Puffy White Cotton

Puffy white cotton way up in the sky

Upon a vast canvas of azure blue

Run, take wing, with them up high

Peace and serenity is there for you

#  Raindrops

Raindrops falling softly down

Pitter patter on the ground

Washing clean earth and sky

A gentle gift from on high

Feeding life to birth anew

Promise of better coming too

Let the drops roll over me

And tomorrow will better be

#  Reach Out And Grab A Star

Reach out and grab a star

Ride the light beams from afar

Not a clue to where it leads

To future mystery it proceeds

#  Shifting Rules

Someone is redefining all the rules

Not near what I learned in the schools

Friends and enemies blend into one

A twisting knot writhing in the sun

The ground shifting beneath my feet

Keeps knocking me down onto my seat

Not knowing what is up and what is down

Is spinning my head all round and round

#  Short Circuit

The circuit breaker popped

Severing all connections

Never again to reconnect

Unless the short circuit

In the protected heart

Can be repaired

#  Silence

Silence reverberates from the walls

Shreds heart and soul with it's claws

It's shrieks draw blood from my ears

Bloody cheeks bathed in hot tears

Echoes undampened by darkened void

Intensely pound until sanity's destroyed

Endless silent decibels tear peace asunder

Forever roaring louder than violent thunder

#  Sometimes You Just Need To Bleed

Sometimes you just need to bleed

To make the pain so real indeed

To turn it away from deep inside

Bring it out where it can't hide

Keep from eating your brain alive

Manifest reality so you survive

Bare it for the entire world to see

Prevent it eating all inside of thee

Loose the monster to rant and rave

In order for sanity you can save

#  Spring

Spring at long last is here!

Ushered in with resounding cheer!

Days bathed in warm sunlight

Banish threatening night

The cycle of life begins anew

Bight colors in endless hue

A promise of beauty to come

No more darkness to succumb

Hope and dreams forever more

Soaring over an eternal shore

Life's phoenix arising from dead

Celebrate life's eternal thread

Life's beauty has begun anew

For each one of us, me and you

#  Swirling Mists Of Illusion

Swirling mists of illusion

The self is but a delusion

Trapped within winds of time

Reality is a twisted mime

Nothing matters, nothing real

Comes the next turn of the wheel

That molds the next deception

Creates the false perception

That anything at all exists

Lost inside the swirling mists

#  Take Me Away, Way Over The Moon

Take me away, way over the moon

Away to that land that's ever so far

Over the horizon, out there somewhere

Somewhere you don't need a car

Let me ride the moonbeams in the sky

Ride them to heaven above somewhere

Up above in the sky that is so dark

Ride them to there, I don't care where

Gliding along over the beams from the moon

Going there, where I'll have not a care

Somewhere out there is the land of my dreams

Where I'll be free of all pain and despair

When I get there I'll be full of such joy

The earth shall not have me nor shall mankind

I'll stroll through fields of grass and flowers

I will be possessed of such peace of mind

But that place lives in only my mind

Oh how I long for that land of my dreams

A land of magic and beauty and peace

I wish I could dwell there forever it seems

#  Tears Of Joy

Tear drops fall like rain

Across the planes of my face

Tears of joy and hope

Falling all over the place

They neither burn nor sting

As downward they flow

They meet my smiling lips

My face is aglow

Joy is in my heart for now

And peace is in my soul

Hope blossoms within my head

For me it's a new role

Love for life swells up

Contentment seeps within

For all the times I've lost

I've now begun to win

I've secrets that I guard

That both help and do me harm

But helping is the stronger

So it doesn't me alarm

I'm stable now you see

And I am totally sane

No swinging back and forth

No more ungodly pain

I'm free of the insanity

And normality rules

So the tears that fall downward

Are joy's diamond jewels

#  Thank You God For This Day

Thank you God for this day

With family and friends it was filled

I'd have it no other way

Now at it's close I am thrilled

All was filled with magic and wonder

Slow, mild cycles were the day's order

Not once I did I have to tear it asunder

Never did I go over the border

My kids showed love for each other

Brother and sisters they were for the day

Not a single fight, they didn't even bother

With love and peace they passed it away

Even the grandkids were well behaved

Painting and playing with all of their toys

While their mothers over the stove slaved

This brought to my heart so many joys

This day was filled with much love and joy

With peace and contentment we were all filled

Santa was good to me though he brought me no toy

He brought me better, one and all were good willed

#  Thank You Lord For These Days

Better days are here today

I hope that they

are here to stay

If I stay on my pills

I hope that I

Won't have ills

The world was black

And now it's white

The LIGHT is back!

The sun is shining In my heart

And I am not pining

Now that is a good start

It is held at the bay

I hope that peace

Is here to stay

The war that waged in my heart

Was ever so violent

I was caged from the start

Now it's all peace and calm

The peace I'm feeling

Is ever a balm

Thank you Lord for these days

Good and bad, they are mine

In many different ways

I will live them the best I can

#  The Battle Rages Within

The land has grown dim

The battle rages within

It's fought for my soul

A most terrible toll

In silence it passes

The light it surpasses

My sanity the prize

Of these darkened skies

A prize that's so dear

I'll lose it I fear

Hopeless it seems

It's taken my dreams

Onward it wages

Evermore it rages

The battle may end

My heart it will rend

But the war goes on

Ever on and on

Victory so dear

I'm losing I fear

Insanity ahead

I should stay in bed

Winning is out

I want to shout

But a draw maybe

It's all I can see

The fight never ends

No matter what it sends

The battle rages within

#  The Beast

I cackle with glee

At your misery

Blood drips from claws

I defy humanity's laws

As I shred your heart

Bloody tear it apart

And desecrate your soul

I merely play at my role

As I revel in your pain

You doubt you are sane

Not knowing I am real

Making the agony you feel

Your screams I desire

Roast soul in hell fire

The madness I drive

You're no longer alive

On your screams I feast

So call me the beast

#  The Beast And The Heart

The beast:

Fly away quickly, fly far away

Listen closely to me as I say

You don't belong in this world

Hide in the dark corner curled

Pay attention, I tell you true

No one wants to deal with you

Run away lest they be made to pay

For caring at all on any day

Self pity and madness all are you

Push them away 'fore they suffer too

What? You won't? Is that what you say?

You'd risk their pain and not keep away?

You fool, so selfish and headstrong

Don't you see that you do them wrong?

The heart:

But hearts are not made to be alone

These are the best I have ever known

More than friends, family they are

How can I love them all from afar?

Before their pain I willingly bleed

Run away? Oh what a traitorous deed

As a rejection is how it will seem

Down my cheeks hot tears will teem

They've done naught to deserve such

Running away has got to be too much

To dare trade one hurt for the other

A devil's choice, oh dear, oh brother

Enough. Hush up you devilish beast

I'll hear no more before I am fleeced

The choice is not mine, never was it

It is theirs to choose, mine to submit

#  The Beast He Is Me

Now I understand so more of where I've been

I wish those others could only have seen

It wasn't me that said all those things

The mind wasn't mine, it was a bird on wings

Flitting about, all those thoughts so wild

Spinning around, they couldn't be filed

Never resting, ever racing, never still

So out of control, it was not my will

Paranoia so strong, it was not my fault

My wounds all feel they're filled with salt

Psychosis it was, it comes from the beast

This much I know at the very least

I've researched it, this is what I've found

The beast it was, that truth does abound

It's cost was so dear I'll never recover

The pain over me always will hover

I've thrown away love, tossed away friends

The folly I'm guilty of knows no ends

I've given it all over to this beast

Of my emotions he has made a feast

I've lost it all to this beast once more

I've lost what we had, of that I am sure

I place all the blame on this little beastie

Yet this much I know, _the beast he is me_

#  The Blending Of The Days

One day flows into the other

Never different, always the same

Yet some are filled with joy

And the others filled with pain

They blend together in a big blur

Mixed together as if in a blender

I can't tell them apart, not a one

It drives me to go off on a bender

Anything to differentiate these days

To keep them from running together

Sometimes I wonder why I care

It's all the same, even the weather

Nothing ever changes, day in day out

Nothing but the pain, here today

But gone tomorrow, always threatening

Like a sword of Damocles dangling away

Today is what? Just another day

I can't even tell the day of the week

Just give me a way to tell them apart

Because it's not surcease I seek

Does the sun shine down

with it's everlasting light?

Else I just cannot tell

Is it day or is it night?

Is it me or is it not?

There's no telling them apart

These days that run on

Blurred together right from the start

The only differences in the day are that there's

Happiness one day the very next there's the pain

Never an end to it, it goes round and round

It all makes the tears run down, falling like rain

All mixed and jumbled up in my head

Why can I not tell these days apart?

I'm not dimwitted, nor close to stupid

If I say so myself I am quite smart

First the pain, then the joy

Next thing I'm feeling so numb

Yes the blending of the days

Makes me feel worse then dumb

#  The Blossom Failing (Haiku)

The blossom failing

Overcome by gravity

Giving all, it ends

# The Debt Is Mine To Pay

He came for us sinners

Now we are the winners

That's what we are told

But if I may be so bold

I will not add my missteps

Lay them on His doorsteps

Adding to His inhuman pain

Would be totally beyond insane

I am the one who failed

Yet He the one impaled

The debt is mine to pay

Not His, never, no way

When that bill comes due

The judge I'll answer to

#  The Cheshire Cat

When is it ok to give it all up?

When is it ok to be all alone?

Is it possible to do this

Without having to atone?

How many years must go by

Before you're locked in?

When leaving it all is

nothing but a sin?

How much wasted time must go by?

Does it ever get any easier

To say good by

without feeling sleazier?

How much of my life

Must I give to this lie?

For how many years

Must I continue to try?

How much despair

Must I continue to take?

For how much time

Must I live a fake?

How many times

must I set myself aside?

How many times

Must I continue to hide?

When do I count?

when does it matter?

I feel like the Cheshire cat

Or even the mad hatter.

I've given my life

To this mad tea party

It's not fun anymore

It never was hardy

How much must I take

Before I let go?

How much more happen

Before I say no?

Soon all that's left

Will be my fake smile

Pasted on my face

Like a ceramic tile

I'll wither away

And vanish in the air

But my smile will stay

And I won't even care

Like the Cheshire cat

All that's left is my smile

The rest of me lays

on the floor in a pile

That smile's been glued

on my face forever

It's not real you know

It is whatever

# The Dying Of The Light

The darkness approaches time after time

It comes without reason, it comes without rhyme

Slowly it creeps up to my soul

To attack it without a drum roll

With stealth and cunning it sneaks up on me

To try to best me before it I can see

It can't be stopped, it comes like the tide

There is no escape, nowhere to hide

I sense it's coming, I'm not unaware

That onward it creeps right over there

Raise the drawbridge, lock up the gates

This is the onslaught that my heart hates

Even to my last breath will I fight

Battle to halt the dying of the light

#  The Darkness Within Me

The darkness within me

It never goes away

It fills my life

Each night and day

It turns good into bad

It makes joy into pain

Tears flow down my face

Like never ending rain

Sunlight never falls

Clean winds never blow

I'm trapped in the land

Of hell from below

The darkness within me

It defines all my life

It turns all pleasure

Into nothing but strife

No shadows are here

For that you need light

None of that shines here

Look hard as you might

It's blacker then hell

Not the velvety black

The blackness of death

It is darker then black

The darkness within me

All my world it destroys

It sucks all the life

Out of all of my joys

It's nothing but pain

Joyless and dark

There never is light

Not one little spark

It fills all my thoughts

And devours my soul

Gnaws away at my ego

Like a huge evil troll

The darkness within me

Consumes me you see

It's replaced all that's here

It defines all that's me

#  The Elevator

Riding the elevator from the sub sub sub basement

The tinkle of inanity wafts from the speaker grill

Intended to distract from a most alarming fact

The lack of a door is a frighteningly bitter pill

It's roots deeply buried in the cold, dank pit

Warmed not at all by the searing flames of hell

That blacken heart, soul and mind turned on a spit

Until evil agony and despair inside you upwell

The other end far removed way up out of sight

Buffeted by gales, ceaseless blasts of thunder

Jagged cracks of wild bolts of lightning's energy

Ever threatening to rip the structure asunder

There are no stops between pit and spire

Not one single pause in the relentless rise

At times it creeps but others it rockets

A seamless cube on a path into the skies

Don't let distraction elude the most vital fact

Despite shooting up above all things around

Eternally heed this most dire of warnings

What goes up must inevitably come back down

#  The Eternal Battle

The lines formed bravely upon the field

Trumpets sounded and drummers rolled

Tender youths determined not to yield

Faced each other in attitudes so bold

One side dressed in white and shining gold

Bravely bathed in warm sunshine so bright

Standing forth for right in lines so bold

Willingly they'll bleed for what is right

Opposing forces wrapped in darkest black

The grave's own chill hidden by the night

Hating the light they are eager to attack

To assert mastery over the denizens of light

Bugles sound and so begins the endless fight

Chaos reigns, death has come, a river of blood

Will life win out or shall come eternal blight

The price, the pain, the red flows in a flood

Crimson fields upon which the battle does rage

The blood that flows from the drum's first roll

Each side steadfastly refusing to disengage

They war and bleed and die to be master of my soul

#  The Eyes In The Mirror

Not warm

Not cold

No invitation

Repulsive

Soulless

Lifeless

Empty

Gateways to hell

Devoid of everything

Dead

Where did they come from?

Who do they belong to?

Why do they stare at me?

What do they see?

Who do they see?

Or do they see anything at all?

#  The Fog

Cold, damp, musty fog comes creeping

Blotting the light across the landscape

Into life's bones the chill is seeping

Muffles the soul with a thick gray cape

All about are dim shapes without form

Colorless specters of what once had been

Twisting and swirling as they transform

Fade away as their substance grows thin

A cold lightless universe of thick gray

Direction and distance lose all import

In stasis or moving impossible to say

Is it a long way to go or is it so short

# The Invisible Man

Faces look but they don't see

The jagged shards inside of me

Not a soul even dares to ask

Just what is behind the mask

Buried deep behind iron walls

No one hears the pleading calls

To keep them safe from me at least

Those walls protect them from the beast

Among all souls across the land

I am in indeed an invisible man

#  The Geometry Of The Cycles

Can you picture the steep and craggy alps?

Lately that has been the sine wave

Of the hated beast driven cycles

That drove me deep into the cave

Depression and mania bringing madness

Like blitzkreig warfare against my mind

Frequency and amplitude ever rising

Until peace I just couldn't find

The beast raging completely unchecked

Alien thoughts and emotions filled me

Slicing bloody ribbons from my soul

No matter what they refused to let me be

To the cave I went and dumped it all

In self defense to keep me sane

Poured out all of the madness

Left behind all of the pain

Until the frequency and amplitude

Eventually gentled and began to wane

Like Pa's gently rolling foothills

Allowing me to again feel sane

Now the sine wave has morphed into a line

Just above the center of the scale

Mild hypomania is now ruling all

That's all there is to this tale

Except to tell you that at last

I've left the cave for the world

And the light and love there contained

And hope's flag is once again unfurled

#  The Hand Of The Fates

Jagged, sharp flashes of light, crash, boom

Spears from on high, pronouncements of doom

Eyes rattling deep in their sockets

Fists clenched tighter deep in pockets

Gale force winds uprooting the trees

The demon smiles at what he sees

As the solid earth splits asunder

He knows this soul is his to plunder

No more just ahead does madness wait

It's swallowed all, it's now too late

Claws shredding pale skin on the face

Bright red rivulets downward race

In a tree a dangling noose grimly waits

Irresistible, it's the hand of the fates

#  The Land Of The Lost

The land is dark as midnight on a moonless night

in the middle of the sea

The landscape empty and barren as the great salt flats

Nothing grows there, nothing lives there

It is a lifeless land, full only of pain

Light never reaches it, life never touches it

It is empty and shall always remain so

It is the land of the lost

To enter this terrain is to give up your life

To a life of loneliness and pain

Abandon all hope all you who enter for there is no escape

The land will suck you dry,

It drains the very life from you

It doesn't respect what you've done in life

Nor who you love or who loves you

It matters not what you've accomplished

It will eat you

A lone figure strides this land,

full of the pain delivered by the land

More dead then alive the figure roams

The land looking for escape

But escape is not to be found

Soul as empty as the land,

The figure knows no hope of surcease

Lost in this land it would welcome even death

Anything to escape the pain

The figure roams the land

And is as empty and lost as the land itself

There is no light for this figure

Not from without, nor from within

It's soul is black as the night of the land

Nowhere to turn, it matters not where it roams

No release, no comfort, no help, no hope

It is as lost as the land itself

It yearns for the release of death,

Anything to escape the land within which it's trapped

It longs for the joy of a welcoming voice,

The comfort of a firm handshake

The peace and contentment of a loving heart

Someone to love and to be loved by

A friend on whose shoulder to cry,

To release some of the terrible pain

To break the loneliness,

To fill the emptiness

A light to push back the darkness

Who is this pitiful figure?

Who is it that is trapped in this dreadful land?

Who is it that is lost in this vast emptiness?

Who is it that has to struggle so to maintain hope

In such a hopeless and joyless land?

Who is this sorrowful figure,

So bereft of comfort and joy,

So lost in the darkness of this land?

Who is this lost figure?

It is I.

#  The Light At The End Of The Storm

During a thunderstorm the sky is dark and full of clouds

Filling the sky from end to end they bump together

And lightning bolts are released! KABOOM! goes the thunder!

The wind, whipped by the storm, thrashes your hair and pulls at your

clothes

It nearly bowls you over in it's intensity and ferocity

The rain pours down in buckets, droplets big as a nickel

Sometimes hail bounces off the sidewalk

And all the while the dark lumbering clouds loom threateningly overhead

You feel their weight even more then the rain soaked jacket upon your

shoulders

They weigh heavily not just on your body but on your very soul

They hang there, dark, foreboding, causing your spirit to cringe at

their evil intent

The ferocity of nature unleashed.

But then the storm ends.

Slowly the wind dies

The hail ends, the rain trickles to a stop

The clouds begin to break up

And like a promise from God the sun breaks through

It's rays form a halo where they shoot through the clouds

The sun peeps out, shy at first but ever more confidently

Light falls upon the earth below and your spirit soars

The weight on your soul lifts and you feel like you could dance for joy

All is right with the world. Nature is once again at peace.

That's exactly where I am right now.

The storm has ended and the sun's rays shine down upon me

Life has returned to my soul and my spirit soars

I am at peace as the peace of the world seeps into my bones.

I've weathered this one and it was very violent in nature

This has not been the worst storm I've had thrown at me

But it ranks up there with them.

I have seen the sunlight follow the storm and I know

I've made it through this one, I can make it through the next

And the next, and the one after that

For always there is an end to the storm and the sun shines forth again

I feel God's promise. Never will He give me more then I can handle, with

HIS help

#  The Light's Last Fading

It was a bright and sunny day

Til the light began to pass away

The sun, his journey complete,

Sinks into his nightly seat

The light grows dim and dark

As I watch the sun's last spark

How I hate the fading of the light

How I dread the coming of the night

My day has lasted 3 days, this is true

But the approach of the night has me so blue

I can feel the light passing away

I'm hoping it'll be there another day

It's yet there, though it has grown dim

Oh my sun, how I'll miss him

As always it does, the night approaches

And for me it always reproaches

I fear the night and what it will bring

I know that for joy I will never sing

As the light fades away so do I

I'm down off that emotional high

Down in the dumps I'm off of that top

It doesn't even help that I am a pop

Oh how I dread that light's last fading

It drains my soul, the darkness is shading

#  The Maelstrom

Gentle rain tip toes across the roof of the screenhouse

The peaceful sweep of the rocker back and forth

The cool touch of the mild air under a dim sky

Lush greenery of fresh spring growth surrounds all

Mild emanations of peace and calm and serenity

Flowing easily, gently insistent

Intent on on quieting the riotous roar

That is pitched far above an ear's range

On one side all is peaceful and relaxing

On the other nothing but jagged madness

The line between the two a malevolent tear in reality

Violent all out war waged across the frontier

The gentling force cannot penetrate the maelstrom

Fails to weaken the tornadic forces

Gives it's all and is viciously consumed

Torn asunder to feed the raging insanity

Arcing flashes of energy

Short circuit across the synapses

Flash burning the nerves themselves

Neural lightning powering the madness

Nothing can quiet raging storm

No measure of will power restore control

Nor any force bring forth order from the chaos

The madness is all, alpha and omega

Destiny not to be denied

Fate written at conception

The pit and the madness of hell

Too powerful to be mastered

Home for all the days remaining

#  The Man Who Lived In Layers

Once upon a time there was a man

who lived in layers.

The outer one most everyone saw.

Next the one only special people saw.

Inside that the one reserved

for true friends and family.

Beyond that the one he himself saw.

Each succeeding layer got darker and darker

Next the final layer, the one no one saw.

Not even he himself.

For the smell of decay and rot,

The palpable darkness

The intense evil kept anyone

from getting close enough to see.

Then the layers began to flake away

One by one they fell away to dust

And every one began to see deeper

Until one day the unthinkable happened

That evil, cold dark was revealed

And the man vanished,

never to be seen again.

#  The Maze

Wandering, lost in the endless maze

Fearing what in the next room lays

A son, a brother, a husband, a friend

A father, grandfather or maybe the end

Footsteps fill emptiness with hollow echoes

Icy cold darkness where not a candle glows

Stumbling onward for time without end

Ever fearing what lies around the next bend

Keenly aware of someone who must be found

Yet certain that he will never again be around

He ended in torment many years in the past

From existence he was by the beast outcast

Hopeless and forlorn him I know I'll not find

Lost anywhere in this lonely maze in my mind

#  The Night Is Dark And Full of Terrors

The night is dark and full of terrors

The most terrible are my own errors

Evil beasts feast upon brightest light

Birth icy hot tears that blot all sight

Tendrils buried deep in creviced mind

Rewire the ego leaving self maligned

Shadows need light for their production

Dark is eternal after the light's destruction

#  The Pane Of Glass That Separates

Outside the glass the bright light of day

Green leaves on trees in a gentle breeze sway

Flowers bathed in colors from the rainbow

So vivid and bright they're all aglow

Puffy white clouds dotting a cyan sky

Way up atop the world flying so high

People strolling, chatting, kids at play

Out there where life holds the night at bay

But it dare not try to penetrate the glass

Through the pane light dares not to pass

This side black darker then midnight holds sway

The cold chill of the grave over all does lay

Alone in the black one soul that's long dead

Longing for the peace of the six foot deep bed

Alone in agony. light and life is it's fear

From a lifeless eye burns tracks of one fat tear

When will it stop? Will it never, ever end?

Life out there never here, what does it portend?

The grave's siren call rings out and entices

It's lure stronger than all of life's vices

What is the purpose, reason or rhyme? What is the use?

To continue on this way, there's not one single excuse

#  The Passing Of The Light

The light it shines so bright and clear and then it fades away

It leaves behind the dark and pain that is here to stay

And with it's passing it has sucked all the life out of me

The dark is so compete and full that I can't even see

Everything once so beautiful and sharp has grown fuzzy and dim

I cry out to God for help but I've heard nothing from Him

The light has passed away to everlasting night

And left naught but pain, and nothing feels right

Oh but how I shall mourn the passing of the light

And how I regret the the continuing of the fight

It's time to surrender, to give up all that's dear

Forever and a day has ended, that is what I fear

July 7th the day it ended and the 8th the extra day

I never thought it could end, that is all I have to say

Woe to us all at the passing of the light

Woe to us all at the coming of the night

For the night holds naught but darkness and pain

It coats the land like a deep dark ugly stain

The light has ended, it's gone once and for all

Now naught but the darkness to hold me in thrall

Woe to all the land at the passing of the light

For all of us shall morn the victory of night

#  The Paths We Tread

We were separate and alone

Drifting, lost, windblown

Fading stars in the dawn

Magnetically together drawn

Circling round, drawing nearer

Hope rises and it grows clearer

Someone to share, to connect

United our lives can resurrect

Hearts pounding, we anticipate

Crushing loneliness will abate

Twisting fate throws us a curve

As between us both we observe

The paths we tread simply touch

Passing by while we may brush

But never do they intersect

Never will we ever connect

#  The Peace Of A Bee

Humanity is at the apex of evolution

A culmination, the truly final solution

Capable of surpassing physical limits

Scaling even the highest if summits

Answering questions of deepest physics

Defining solutions that defied specifics

Metaphysical and mystic realms we explored

Bursting all limits above all we soared

While the birds and bees merely survived

And for eons they went on and they thrived

Never giving pause to such deep set things

Focused only on lives bought with their wings

Shelter and food and reproduction their goal

For weightier matters they care not for a soul

No madness weighs down their busy lives

Depression never locks them into their hives

Neither BPD nor PTSD locks them in stasis

Or keeps them from going through life's paces

Despair, despite, loneliness are not issues

Never must they wipe away tears with tissues

Self harm and suicide are not found in their being

For the wonders of the world they eternally are seeing

So tell me now who is really at evolution's crest?

Are humans really the result of nature's best?

What cost to us to arrive at the top of the tree?

When not one human can embrace the peace of a bee?

#  The Pit

The pit is so lonely, dark and cold

Saps my will and strength, makes me old

It grabs me and drags like an undertow

Down towards the hellfire far below

Shreds heart, mind and soul for it's dinner

As mortifications of the spirit for a sinner

Torturer's rack in a dungeon cannot compare

When the pit supersizes the crushing despair

If home is wherever you hang up your hat

Then the pit is my home and that's a fact

Four decades ago it first gained a hold

All time since then a nightmare to be told

While hiding in the shadows of midnight

All spirits quaking overpowered by fright

#  The Real, True Power

Shut up in my tiny little room

Behind a locked door

All lights turned off

With only the glow of this screen

The silence so loud it draws blood from my ears

The darkness has the mass of a black hole

And sucks me in, shredding every particle

Past the event horizon, never to return

Alone seeps outward through pores

Filling space all around like plasma

On the inside it is born

Yet if fills reality to overflowing

Out of darkness we are born

Into darkness we pass in death

In darkness I exist, never live

Darkness.... a true friend that never leaves

Icy cold and evil, composed of self despite

Contagion, true poison, bearing destruction

Out of the dark, through the dark, into the dark

The dark is the true power behind everything

Never needing exertion to promulgate

Simply needs be to lie back and wait

For the light to exhaust itself

#  The Redoubt

Move back behind the walls

Where no one ever calls

And no teardrop ever falls

Never a part of this world

In the corner I am curled

Shadows all around me swirled

Fortifications ever battered

As if I've ever mattered

Inside them all is shattered

Stout door closed behind a veil

Poised to repel any who assail

Lest they hear me when I wail

Never more assault this redoubt

Where all the world is shut out

And hope's scarcity rings out

# The Shadows Have Voices

The shadows have voices

They're bone chillingly cold

They restrict all the choices

Until death comes as foretold

The shadows pulsate with lust

Eager to cause shrieks of pain

To crush every soul into dust

Until tears fall down like the rain

The shadows are voracious

Ravenous to annihilate the light

In their hunger so predaceous

Wantonly pressing onward the fight

The shadows inevitably will win

For when light's fuel is devoured

Life's last hope they will do in

Darkness eternally empowered

#  The Return Of The Light

No more darkness, no more pain

Feeling better once again

No longer empty, no longer sad

Smiles are back, life's not so bad

Hope has returned and with it the light

I think that I shall continue to fight

The battle's not over, the war's not won

It goes on forever, it's never done

But it bothers me not, I am prepared

To fight on no matter how I've fared

Death's not an option, I shall not quit

Regardless of what it takes to fight it

The light has returned, ever so bright

And with it I feel always so right

Thank You my God is what I cry out

To Him as ever, Lord hear my shout

Lord for this day I thank You

And for the light I thank you too

Your love I feel enfolding me true

And I'm not feeling nearly so blue

Truly this is a rare moment in time

The peace that I feel I shall make mine

For the light is back and though it not stay

It is here to bless me as ever this day

#  The Storm

Roiling, dark storm clouds

Twisting and piling high

Oozing malevolent violence

Jagged sharp cracks of lightning

Merciless tears in reality's fabric

Remorselessly shredding the aether

Deafening aerial detonations

Hideous monstrous beastial roars

Pounding pulses in endless echoes

A raging torrent pouring down

The very air itself liquified

Whipped cruelly by tornadic winds

Metaphysical manifestations

Purest evil, anti life

Death incarnate come to destroy

Beat down upon a vast gray plain

Tortured and drowned, near destroyed

Yet in the center a single tree

A lonely tree, no life surrounds

Dead branches nearly torn asunder

Bowed by the evil monstrous force

But steadfastly refusing to quit

For way up atop the highest branch

One vibrant green leaf refuses to die

Confident and sure that despite the storm

The evil cannot win nor last forever

For the sun will rise again on the morrow

# The Story The Bards Do Tell

Round and round and round she goes

and where she stops only the beastie knows!

When Ahab spied the great white whale

He gave out with a bellow 'Thar she blows! '

Into the depths, deep, dark, icy and cold

Then up like a shot the legends have told

Testing their strength and determination

'Dare you stop me now? Are you so bold? '

Till Ahab's arm beckoned forward and back

Calling all of the crew to keep up the attack

Then turned the great beast to point at the ship

Driving inward to shatter the tiny craft's back

Down to Davy Jones' locker all of them fell

The first steps off their journey into hell

Leaving widows and children behind to sob

Forever more their story the bards do tell

# The Sun Peaks Out

The sun peaks sheepishly out

To my face it brings smiles

Without any trace of a doubt

Yesterday was so gloomy and dark

It killed my heart and my spirit

Every single tiny little spark

But here today the sun does shine

Weak little rays it is true but

I'll gather them to me, make them mine

In the sun I want to run and play

Live all the good things it does bring

Make them mine on this wonderful day

And if tomorrow dark clouds does bring

I will always try to remember

That once upon a time I did sing

For God alone has given me this day

And always and forever more

Bright in my memory it will stay

#  The Stranger In The Mirror

I wait in darkness sublime

For the end draws near

In this place and this time

I am alone, so alone it's true

There is no one here

I am alone, so alone and blue

The darkness breathes and grows

I batter it's walls

And almost come to blows

I hate the dark but it's my lot

It eats and consumes me

As I sit here in this spot

In this dark I've lost my way

I can't find the way out

Though I try night and day

There's a mirror there and in it I see

The eyes of a stranger

Staring soullessly back at me

That stranger I hate more then the dark

He sucks away my soul and life

Then he snuffs out the spark

Who is this soul crushing one?

How'd he get in my mirror

And from where does he come?

Familiar are the lines of his face

But his eyes are so empty

Of his soul there's no trace

All there is is pain so vast

Not a hint of a future

Nor a trace of a past

Tortured is he that much is clear

He has paid a price

That must have been dear

Why in the mirror is it he that I see

When all that I search for

Is a glimpse of what's me?

#  The Tide

The flames stretch out so high

Way up into the darkened sky

To step into them, oh so sweet

Exquisite pain from head to feet

All this would end, never more

Losing all despite the score

The black will reign ever supreme

Cease to exist or so it will seem

Pain and darkness call my name

Nothing will ever be the same

Why Oh Lord can't I die?

Ascend to You in the sky?

I just can't take it no more

My soul a tide eroded shore

# The Wings Of Time

Across the wings of time

I can only speak in rhyme

Of the torturous depths of hell

The ringing of death's own bell

The loss of every tiny hope

End of the ability to cope

Loneliness that bleeds the soul

Despair extracts a heavy toll

No other soul can understand

Lest they've lived it first hand

It's clear no recourse is there

To cease to be is all that's fair

#  The Unquiet Mind

It never sleeps

It never stops

All over the map

In great big hops

Round it goes

And round again

Never pausing

I just can't say when

Turning that way

Turning this

Even though

The wheels go hiss

Restless thoughts

Running around

No peace is there

It cannot be found

No sleep for it

No rest at all

It'll never stop

Yeah though it fall

It never slows

Though it falls behind

That's why it's called

The unquiet mind

#  The Vortex

The current pulling, round and round

The air vibrates with intensity of sound

Trapped by it's evil chilly mighty grip

Far too late to hope to give it the slip

Spinning ever quicker the spiral tightens

Gasping for air the fear inside heightens

Dragged inward, downward by omnipotent force

Fate set in stone, no escaping this course

Surrender now, the path for which was longed

Taps has played, siren's sung, bell has gonged

The time is now, for each beginning an end

No pain, no tears, nowhere more love to send

There at the core a ravenous icy dark mass

Devours all life, letting nothing get past

Writhing, seething evil, blacker than black

Malignant, chaotic, with no need to attack

An overpowering vacuum that lets nothing escape

Even rainbows of light does it shred and rape

Ripping, shredding, destroying all that's held dear

Nothing left at all, no love, life, pain and no fear

#  The Walls Keep On Growing

The walls keep on growing

But cracks are now showing

To each one I apply plaster

Going faster and even faster

They spread ever quicker

Keep growing ever thicker

Soon the walls will shatter

It will no longer matter

Leaving me no place to hide

At last I will have died

#  The Wheel

The wheel turns and you never know

Where it will stop or when it will slow

Come one, come all, everyone must play

There can be no bystanders, now or any day

It knows your desires, It decides your fate

You cannot escape, it's already too late

So step on up and lay down your best bet

Come lay it on down there, see what you get

Hold nothing back, It will not avail you

It's all at risk, even life's on there too

For you what does this devilish wheel hold?

Is it health and prosperity, riches and gold?

Is it joy and happiness, love stronger then steel?

Is contentment for you to be found on this wheel?

Or is there heartbreak and pain in the next turn?

Will the outcome of this spin make your heart burn?

Will madness and insanity be there where it stops?

Will crippling disfigurement show up at the top?

You've risked it all whether you like it or not

So watch the wheel closely to determine your lot

Spin after spin it laughs at us mortals

And waiting for all is death's portal

#  The World Tipped And I Fell Off

Flipping and spinning and whirling

Into the cold, empty vastness of space

Where, desperate, I hooked a moon beam

Threw a leg over and climbed aboard

Grasping tightly I mastered it

Turned it to my own designs

Together we headed outward

Onward to the stars

Perchance to pause at Pluto

Dad always said we were from Pluto

Maybe family awaited a reunion

Even though it's no longer a planet

But the maelstrom stuck out a tentacle

And snatched me right off my moon beam

Dragging me into the storm

I was buffeted and beaten

Tossed about like flotsam in the rapids

Gale force winds tore at me

Mad currents took me as slave

To do with what they will

Jaggedly sharp streaks of lightning

Cracked and shattered it all

Vicious flames of hell scorched my soul

While storm lashed downpours soaked my flesh

East, West, North, South

Up, down, left, right

Lost all meaning, time lost all meaning

Reality lost all meaning

As all descended into utter chaos

And seconds, minutes, years, eons later

I was regurgitated into a strange, new universe

One I no longer recognize

No wonder I feel out of place

I am an alien here... this is NOT my world

Nor is it my universe

#  Then He Sat Back And Laughed

He was all powerful, all seeing

All knowing, the great and powerful Oz

He created a land of milk and honey

And gave light unto that land

And He filled it with the birds of the air,

The fish of the seas and all manner of beasts

He filled the fields with flowers and grasses,

and caused vast forests to grow

He made great and beautiful mountains to spring up

And vast chasms of awe and majesty to form

There were deserts and grasslands,

Rivers and seas, vast reaches covered in ice

And everywhere life teemed.

He saw it but was not pleased.

Something was missing,

This would not serve His purposes

So he filled all the lands with people

Made in His own image

He gave them dominion over all

And the power to love and care for all that He'd created

And it was good.

But still He was not pleased.

All was good, too good for His purposes.

So He created the night, the black

And He gave to mankind hatred and warfare

And all manner of black and vile things

He released despair and loneliness

He set forth as much evil as He'd released good

Evil to torture those souls that He'd created

Then He sat back and laughed.

#  There To Peruse The Lands Of Oz Once Again

Drifting lazily under a bright summer's sky

Tiny wavelets lapping the side of the boat

Lines cast out from the rods dangling over the stern

Oars tucked snugly inside the boat, safe from the water

On the horizon trees cast shadows upon the water below

Quiet and stillness, solitude and serenity, peace

Calm suffuses my body, reaching down to my very bones

Muscles relaxed I drift in a daze,

Nodding off at times to amazing dreams,

Dreams of the world of Oz where all is right with the world

Stressors forgotten all that remains is peace

Peace and the softy muted sounds of the water,

The quiet chirps of birds as they pass over head

The splash of a duck as it lands upon the stillness of the water

Disturbing it for a brief time only, the disturbance rapidly passes

And once again all is stillness and calm, serene solitude

A bobber dips, the line it's attached to quivers

But it's ignored in order to maintain the peaceful perfection of it all

Such total relaxation as can only be found here, in solitude

Away from the worries of the world, away from pressing needs,

Needless deadlines, stressed out bosses, excited kids,

Needful spouses.

Tip my hat down low over my eyes and drift some more

Drift into dreamland there to peruse the lands of Oz once again

#  There Will Be Not A Trace

Close the doors, secure the locks

Latch the windows, lower the shades

Off with the lights, no more shocks

Shutter my life, do it in spades

Let no one see what's real and inside

Lock them away, keep them at arm's reach

The mask is my shield, behind it I hide

Let no one know, there's a story for each

Very soon to a head will all things come

Plans come to a head, it all falls into place

Tiny careful baby steps taken one by one

And then left of me there will be not a trace

#  This Moment In Time

This moment in time

Is all that we're given

Treat it dearly

Before it is riven

Don't look back

Last moment is passed

Like a stone in the sea

It has been cast

There may not be

A next moment for you

So worry you not

Over that one too

Make this one count

Live it to your best

Ability to do so

Don't take it in jest

Lord grant you the wisdom

To live fully today

So that I missed it

You won't have to say

#  This Time I Made It

The breeze came a blowing

And the darkness went a flowing

It's the same old thing

same cycle, same ring

In comes the evil, the bad

It breaks my heart, makes me sad

causes pain I wish I never had

Makes me feel weak and always so bad

Makes me hate me and more then that

Makes me want to hit my head with a bat

Then the darkness fills me

And nothing thrills me

But next comes the breeze,

It comes and puts me at ease

A breath of fresh air

And no pain no where

It blows through my soul

The darkness pays the toll

It leaves me to be

At peace you see

No hurt, no pain

It's all been slain

By that breath of fresh air

That comes from some where

Now normal I feel

I am braced like steel

For the return of the black

For it always comes back

Next time I may not survive

But this time I made it.

#  Thoughts

The world skipped and I was not.

You'll shed no tears for me

For I won't even be a memory

Eternal night

Sink, sink until I drown

A blink and I never was

The world will little remember

I'll just fade away

Into the night

And the dark will swallow me

'Twill be as though I never existed

Never dreamed, never born

Naught but vapor, a lost memory

Passing away

Not lost, not forgotten

Never existed

Gone, never was, never will be

This is reality

I am but a nightmare

The answer to my prayers

Is nothing

They don't exist

I don't exist

The stuff of nightmares

And dreams, hopes, wishes

What are wishes but hopes for the impossible?

Where am I? What am I? WHY am I?

No purpose, no reason

I am not. The world has skipped.

#  Through A Glass Darkly

The glass is dark and grungy

It filters out all of the light

It turns all beyond to shades of gray

Darkens all that was ever bright

Through the glass seen only dimly

Scenes of a life pass oh so slowly

The life they show is so treasured

Even though it be ever so lowly

The scenes passing by in gray and black

Reflect a life that lived has been

One where joy and light once was found

One that happiness once was in

But as they roll by they grow darker

The joy and happiness begins to fade

The light it is in full retreat

There's only tears in which to wade

The black it grows and starts to devour

All the life that shows in these scenes

The sanity fades and madness creeps in

Like a babe as off the tit it weans

The darkness begins to take over

Soon all is black and hard to distinguish

Starving it devours all of the light

All the fires of life it will extinguish

Soon this life will reach an end

Who will mourn it and wish it back

Surely it's owner will never so wish

For the fires of life he will lack

And so we soon come to the end

All is black, nothing can be seen

The black of the grave has engulfed it all

There's nothing left on which to lean

#  Through A Raindrop Filtered

Through a raindrop filtered

Softened and muted the world

From the world sunlight pilfered

Gray shades over soul are furled

Drowned inside that sodden tear

Lost amid dead ghosts of past

Out there is naught but a smear

While inside a hole so vast

Through a raindrop distorted

All things bathed in unreality

Life has long since been aborted

Just a twisted, broken fatality

#  Today Will Remain Ever The Same

It's another day, another dollar

Always the same or so does it seem

It's never changing, always the same

Just one more day in an endless stream

Is it Tuesday today or is it Wednesday?

Sorry to say but I just don't know

Everything's the same each step of the way

Never changing wherever I go

Depression lives and rules each day

How much longer will it last

I do not know, I just can't say

Is this present, future or the past?

The days blend one into the next

Stretching on forever, they never end

This sadness will never, ever pass

It's wounds and scars I just can't tend

It's feeling too much, too deeply

Or not feeling any thing at all

Ever down, and down so steeply

Stop! Let it end! I cry and I call

The sounds of my yell echo off the walls

But the days are heedless of my cry

They ignore me and taunt me to no end

And leave me forever wondering why

By the movement of the sun in the sky

Do I count the passing of each day

But when it's ended do I know the difference?

Not on my life, no how, no way

The light has passed, this day is ended

And so as this day draws to a close

As the sun settles deep into the earth

Do I steel myself for another of those

Tomorrow will be today as today passes away

To become yesterday as it does always

But today will remain ever the same

In an endless string of unbroken days

#  Tonight May God Grant Me Some Sleep

Need to talk, dunno what to say

It's been a crazy sort of day

Not a wink of sleep last night

Nor today to make it right

In circles do my thoughts spin

Oh what sad shape I am in

Mouth wants to run a mile a minute

But there's just no sense in it

Through the roof is my energy level

It seems to be God's own Devil

Drinking beer to try and kill it

But my hands shake so that I spill it

Tonight may God grant me some sleep

And my soul in His hands may He keep

I pray He blesses all of you too

With peace with the morning dew

#  Treasured Days

Some days are simply treasures

Full of love and life's pleasures

Sunlight and warmth fill the sky

Loved ones bring tears to the eye

In contrast to the long dark night

Fires of hell, a despairing blight

Magical is the return of the light

To find love and life shining bright

Regardless how rare the bright times

Of life and hope they're ringing chimes

Empowering me to keep marching on

Until next time all light is gone

#  Truthful Honesty At Least In Part

Skin caressed by a gentle breeze

Soul bathed in warm sunshine

A pure miracle, my mind at ease

Drifting, floating, outside of time

A most precious life began today

So important to most dear friend

May he be the light to show the way

That proves life's worth to defend

God grant peace to all my friends

Past, present and any yet to be

Never forget one beyond life's ends

Happiness ever be what they see

It's always been them that I failed

With wife, kids and grands there too

Never deserving the love they hailed

Or the pain I force them to accrue

If only I could do it all one more time

Never would I allow one heart to care

Not even once permit myself to slime

The beautiful hearts that once did dare

#  Wander The Silvery Magical Ethereal Way

Wander the silvery magical ethereal way

Up an down, in and out, round and round

Passing beauteous mysteries and phantasms

All the wondrous mysteries of life abound

Here a tender mother suckling newborn life

There a toddler surrounded by all things new

Young children's first steps towards their wings

Giddy teenagers exploring first love's debut

New adults embattled struggle to find their place

Young parents challenged to do their very best

At best dimly aware that they build the future

As years pass and progeny stray from the nest

Into the gentle and golden age of seniority

Where experience born wisdom at last if found

Earned with deep scars and aches and pains

With leisure to enjoy the life that abounds

And when at last the path leaves this plane

Who is to say that it is that is the end

Amid the unknown wonders of this universe

Can it not be only the start has been penned?

#  Weeping Heavens - A Quinzane

Leaden gray skies dropping tears

Who are the heavens

Weeping for?

#  When Evil Beastie's Head First Reared

One pill, two pill, three pill, four

Never see sanity, never, no more

Slingshot propels me to outer space

Among humanity there's simply no place

A Saturn V lights off under my ass

Beyond go I will never again pass

Damn it all there exists no solution

To the voices that are mind's pollution

Tears they kill me, there's no reason

Even worse dark comes with the season

Crumbling, dissolving soon nothing left

My heart and soul are of life bereft

Reality last night with madness imbued

On and on destruction was rainbow hued

Sanity, stability long ago disappeared

When evil beastie's head first reared

#  When My Hearts Stops It's Beating At Last

I sit and watch and I wait

For it to stop before it's too late

It's back and seems it's here to stay

No matter what I do it won't go away

It draws me down into that dark hole

It's my life and dreams that it stole

Pervasive darkness is all around

Not a spark of light to be found

The chill black that of the grave

Me no one will never, ever save

The hole is so deep I can't climb out

And no one can hear me when I shout

There is no bottom and so I free fall

The walls echoing with my sharp call

Help me please is my pointed plea

It tears the heart right out of me

There's no one to hear, no one to listen

As hot, burning tears on my cheeks glisten

It's light at last from the fires of hell

A welcome sight though my soul I will sell

A welcome reprieve is hell's searing heat

It seers my soul and stops my heart beat

And when my heart stops it's beating at last

I will have found peace, surcease at the last

#  Where Have You Gone

Where have you gone

I really need to know

I keep waiting and hoping

For you to show

When I look in the mirror

I see you in there

But when I search inside

I find you nowhere

All that I find

Inside of me now

Is an evil darkness

That hides you somehow

So I ask the darkness,

No, I beg it to give

You back to me now

I want you to live

It answers with thoughts

That belong to a stranger

The emotions that come

Are even more of a danger

So come back to me now

I cry out to you

For if you're gone forever

Then I've lost me too.

#  Where Once Upon A Morn So Dreary

Where once upon a morn so dreary

I woke miserable in mood so weary

And moped about in attitude foul

Returning hugs with a nasty scowl

The sun break through and did shine

Upon that ugly countenance of mine

Lo and behold a bright smile birthed

Then my better joyful self unearthed

#  Whispers Of Madness

the world goes up and down, all around

left and right, inside, outside, never found

wrung out like a rag til every drop hits the ground

a river of scarlet screaming madness piercing sound

in screaming silence the echoes endlessly pound

tormented souls, tortured hearts in isolation bound

in despair and loneliness the last hope is drowned

lost lives never lived in mere existence crowned

#  Who Am I

Who am I, I want to know

If you know me tell me so

In the mirror that's not me

Dead, empty eyes all I see

Wild, mad thoughts in my mind

In them me I just do not find

An alien heart beats in my chest

Just not me is my best guess

Tell me please what you know of me

There has to be more than I see

#  Where There Once Was Dark

Yesterday all was dark and gloomy

My life's outlook was all dreary

My heart was broken, my soul tattered

Couldn't see, my eyes were all teary

My world was ending bit by bit

The pain - it was indescribable

Loneliness was tearing me in two

The despair was insurmountable

I stood in the pit and all was black

I never thought I'd climb out of it

I simply could not see any way out

I was dying inside, bit by bit

Then along came a miracle

And though for you it be small

It changed things for me

Changed them once and for all

And today where there once was dark

Now I can see naught but the light

My world has changed for the better

It is truly a most wonderful sight

Where pain once wracked my soul

Where yesterday my heart was broken

Now I sing songs of joy and love

For at last my heart has spoken

It tells me tales of wonders great

Of joy and peace and wondrous love

Tales to rival those told in the Bible

Tales told Of God's own heaven above

My heart and soul both leap and bound

Through fields of the most verdant green

Under a sun made of glowing gold

It's the grandest thing I've ever seen

And though I know not what tomorrow brings

Darkness and despair or joy and light

Right here and now, for this wonderful day

I will bask in the joy of all that's right

#  Who Am I? Where Have I Gone?

Who am I? Where have I gone?

I remember me, the one I loved

A person who was always strong

Now I'm weak and always sad

Seems I've thrown away

The happy life that I had

Who's this stranger sitting here?

Filled with pain so fierce

And the stasis of fear

Who am I? Where have I gone?

I'm nowhere to be found

I've been gone so long

The mirror shows a stranger's face

One I don't recognize

Even with God's good grace

It's an image I've grown to hate

But I'm stuck with it now

Seems like that is my fate

Who am I? Where have I gone?

I listen intently

But no one's singing my song

I used to be strong, full of pride

Now I retreat to my room

Where I do nothing but hide

By a code of honor I used to live

Now self respect leaks away

As if through a sieve

Who am I? Where have I gone?

I've looked deep inside

What I found is just wrong

I had an intellect sharp and bright

Now my thoughts are dulled

By the alcohol's bite

I was full of love for the world around

Now I'm just empty inside,

No heart to be found

Who am I? Where have I gone?

#  Wired

Wired. Twisting and turning

Running hot. All out burning

Heart racing, pulse pounding

Full ahead with no sounding

Spinning round, all around

No landing to be found

CRACK! Thoughts flash through my mind

No connection in me do they find

Jagged bolts of lightning flash

Thunderous peals of sound crash

Muscles jumping as nerves thrum

Energy singing a sonorous hum

Out of control, way over the top

When will it ever, ever stop

#  Yeah....

What to do when you cannot live and cannot die?

When every second of every day is naught but a lie?

Why condemned to go on dying in a hell ever lasting?

Many masks to fit in yet never a role to be was casting

#  You Don't Know...

You don't know what it's like to be empty inside

To be breathing and moving but hollow inside

You don't know the sound of your thoughts echoing in your head

Nor do you know what it's like to not be able to get out of bed

You don't know how the darkness of forever waits for you

How it's eager to suck the light and the life too

You don't know the insanity made of all the pain

That gnaws at your insides time and again

You don't know the loneliness of life

The gratefulness even for some strife

You don't know the longing for human contact

When you feel that you're in life's last act

You don't know how wonderful a kind word can be

Until you're lost in the dark, the light you can't see

You don't how valuable is the presence of a friend

Until you're hollow inside and just want it to end

You don't know how important are the sounds of a voice

Until you're at your wit's end and left with no choice

You don't know the joy of a sunrise on a crisp cool morn

Until you've seen the darkness of hell in which you were born

Or the beauty of birds' songs ringing out like the tones of a bell

Until you've heard you own sobs echoing like the chant of a spell

You don't know regret if you never tried to atone

You don't know peace until you've felt pain

You don't know solitude until you've been alone

You don't know sanity until you've been insane

You don't know.... until you do

#  You Prayed For Help

You prayed for help

And so to you I came

To lend you strength

To withstand the pain

You just could not see

Lost in deepest despair

It was too difficult

To accept I did care

Those pills were never

Your life meant to end

To answer your prayers

Is why me God did send

