[MUSIC PLAYING]
So wild.
Oh, man.
JULIA: You guys want to start
with some really good news?
- Yeah!
- Oh, it's good news?
Yeah.
Let's start with
some good news.
DESUS: Oh!
MERO: Oh!
Logic announces his
retirement along
with new album, "No Pressure."
Yo.
All right.
Yo.
Is the-- is the good news
he's retiring or the new album?
Which one is it?
PRODUCER: He's retiring, right?
All right, yeah.
Thank-- thank you for
your service, Logic.
How many--
MERO: Yo.
--you know what?
He's so out of my radar,
I don't know if he has,
like, one album or 19 albums.
So I don't know.
MERO: He has, like, a bunch.
And he made mad money.
So now, like, his
thing was just like,
yo, like, I made mad
money doing this.
You know what I mean?
Now, I'm gonna concentrate
on being a father.
You know what I mean?
So like, he's like, yo,
like, I'm retiring at the top
of my game or whatever.
And I was just like, OK.
He looks like Steve
from "Sex and the City."
You see that, right?
PRODUCER: Mm-hmm.
Hey-- hey-- hey, Miranda,
listen to these dope rhymes.
Yeah, I got some fire buzz.
Come on.
We'll take the-- we'll take
the baby to a Knicks game.
Come on, Miranda.
- Come on.
Please.
Let's do it.
It's off.
Who's going to be on this album?
He's going to have
Lady A and Cardi B.
- Yo.
- Megan Thee Stallion.
No.
Well, not Megan Thee Stallion.
No guest appearances.
You know what I'm saying?
Just Tory Lanez
on the apple box.
Tory-- Tory, can you
get closer to your mic?
Tory?
Tory?
Can you get closer to your mic?
He's like, yo, hold on.
Wait a minute.
Can you-- can we put
the mic stand down?
Tory Lanez uses a live
mic like a boom mic.
Like, yo.
It's just dangling
over his head.
MERO: Yo.
- Ah.
And the-- the
wildest shit is like,
we've met Tory Lanez before.
And like--
DESUS: Mm-hmm.
--like, it didn't
register then.
But like, when you see
it, like, numerically,
like, yo, my mans is 5' 3".
I'm like--
- Yeah.
--yo, damn.
I'm like, my
5-year-old is 5' 3".
DESUS: Shit.
PRODUCER: Was he sitting
when you met him,
or were you guys all standing?
We were on a bus.
And we were on, like, a
little tour bus and shit.
So it was like--
DESUS: We--
--it felt like the dimensions
were, like, all weird and shit.
He was sitting when
we were interviewed him.
But then the wild part was we--
the bus was set up so the back
where the bathroom would be,
they filled it with balloons.
With balls.
It was, like, a ball pit.
- And like--
PRODUCER: What?
- --so then--
Yeah, but nobody fit in it.
--and he was like--
they were like, don't go--
they were like, don't go in it.
And then he was like, fuck it.
I'm gonna jump in it.
So he runs at full
speed and jumps in it.
But now, I'm doing the math.
And he could only jump
in it because he's small.
Like, anyone else
had jumped in it--
MERO: Would have died.
--it would have just,
like, broke the whole shit.
But he did it.
And it was great.
And then it was one of
the greatest promo--
it was one of the greatest
trailers ever made
for a show that never aired.
So sorry, y'all.
Y'all missed out on the
Desus and Mero reboot of "Yo!
MTV Raps."
Don't know how
Viacom dropped that.
But you know, hey.
They were like--
MERO: You hate to see it.
--why would we get-- why
would we get you two to host it?
It was just like, uh.
- I--
- We are literal hip hop.
--I'm broke.
Like, hip hop, hip-- like--
like don't you know about us?
- Like--
- OK.
--we are-- we are old
enough to that we remember
the day hip hop was born, OK?
We remember--
- For real.
--we remember standing
on the corner seeing
hip hop walking to school.
Like hey, get some--
- Hey.
- --good grades, hip hop.
Hey, hip hop.
Hey, hip hop.
- Hey, hip hop.
Hey--
- He's a good kid.
He's a good kid.
- He's a good kid.
Leave him alone.
Stay out of the
gang stuff, hip hop.
- You--
- You know.
--you stop hanging
with that Melly Mel.
Hey.
He's gonna get you in trouble.
Listen, Furious Five, ah, ah.
Shout out to everyone
who's like 18 watching this,
and like, what the fuck
are they talking about?
What the fuck are you old
motherfuckers talking about,
man?
They're going to be in the
comments like, I love this.
I love Desus and
Mero because they
talk about stuff
that my dad used
to talk about before he died.
I'm like, oh, wow.
Zell.
When I visit my dad in prison,
this is what he talks about.
DESUS: Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I'm like, yo, why-- why
it got to be like that?
Why is that?
- Fuck that.
No, no, come on, y'all.
We keep it young and popping.
Ha ha.
- You know what I'm saying?
Ha ha.
Look, look, my colonoscopy
bag is really a cake.
MERO: Yo, TikTok, TikTok.
PRODUCER: Oh, boy.
Real TikTok.
TikTok, TikTok, real TikTok.
Real TikTok.
Real TikTok.
Yo, I can't wait for every
tween right now in, like,
2040 to be like, yo, y'all don't
know nothing about real TikTok.
- Oh.
- You know what I'm saying?
Y'all-- how sick we're
going to be cause we--
they're gonna have shows talking
about yo, who's the illest
old school TikTok artist?
I'm gonna be like, ah.
Yo.
Ah.
Yo, it's Jason Derulo, man.
All right.
Everybody knows
it's Jason Derulo.
Stop playing.
Today, just-- just in,
Drake's son dressed another
number one hit on TikTok.
You're like, oh my god.
Ah!
I hate this world.
He start talking about Serato.
They're like, shut up, old man.
DESUS: Yo.
I'm like, god damn,
why don't President
Trump do something about this?
He's only been in
term for eight years.
Come on, bro.
Emperor Trump.
Emperor Trump.
Hey, baby hairs.
MERO: Yo, oh, shit.
DESUS: OK.
MERO: Oh, oh.
Julie, I'm going ask--
I should have-- I should have
asked you to take this out
the deck cause I'm not trying
to get banned again from her,
but--
Yo, JLo, we love you.
You know what I'm saying?
BX all day.
Those are not baby hairs.
Those are--
Yeah, those are
not baby hairs.
--those are young adult hairs.
Those hairs-- those
hairs-- those hairs
have master's degrees, OK?
Those hairs-- those
hairs have been places.
- Yo.
- Those hairs--
They saying something wise.
--were in Skate King
with me back in the day.
For real.
All right?
God damn.
Those baby hairs got
NASCAR jackets up in there.
Yo, serious.
Like, that's how long
they've been around.
Like--
Yo, she use--
You don't use-- she didn't
use a toothbrush for those.
She used, like,
a push broom to--
- Yo.
- --put those down.
She just put her
hand in and just said,
got all the goop like, argh.
Like, yo.
If you're pulling hair from
back here for your baby hairs,
it's not baby hair no more.
DESUS: Yeah.
That's-- that's a straight
up-- that's just a wet bang
if we were gonna keep it tucky.
That's a comb over.
Like, woo.
Yeah, you gotta cut,
like, a half an inch
off the baby hairs,
yo, at least.
(SINGING) Don't be fooled
by the locks that I got.
I'm just-- I'm just Jenny
haven't been to the block
in 10 years.
Yeah.
Yo, if your baby hairs
are-- are, like, a--
a fucking nanometer
away from your eyebrows,
they're not baby hairs anymore.
Yo, man.
They're too close.
There's too much going on there.
- And then I felt bad--
- She can't even go like this.
--cause she post--
she posted it, and she thought
she was going to be like, ah,
killed it.
And everybody started--
- Yo.
- --flavor.
Even verified accounts
were flavor her.
I was like, damn.
Damn.
You hate to see that.
Damn, JLo.
In high school--
- We still love you.
You know what I'm saying?
- --you used to be the man, JLo.
Yeah, man.
Damn.
She probably rocked that
look in high school, though,
and probably was killing it.
She's just missing, like,
the door knockers with,
like, the-- the Jennifer, the
big ass Jennifer in the middle.
DESUS: Yeah, yep.
Back-- back when
she was taking
the 6 train for those of you--
- You know what I'm saying?
--who've forgotten, you know.
As she referenced on
her album, "On the Six."
"On the Six."
Just to make y'all claro.
Claro.
You know what I'm saying?
And also the photo
shoot where she's
standing at the train station
with the high heel Tims.
Mm-hmm.
Like the Steve--
I was going to say
the Steve Madden Tims.
No.
Oh, JLo, JLo.
Oh, man.
PRODUCER: We're going to pivot--
We so-- we so--
PRODUCER: --to some sports
goss, which I'm sure you
guys have been following.
Oh.
Sports goss, sports goss.
All right.
MERO: Yo, real sport goss.
James--
DESUS: James Harden out
here back in the blue.
We see you out there--
Yo.
--with the Blue
Lives Matter facemask.
Did he even know
what-- like, yo,
listen, I will say one thing.
They did not weed test
before this season.
Is it possible that he
was just wild smacked
and was just like, yo,
this shit looks cool?
Like--
DESUS: Well, he said
it's the only one that
covered his whole beard, yeah.
MERO: Oh.
DESUS: He said he
wasn't-- he wasn't trying
to make a political
statement, or was he?
So turn the shit
inside out, dog.
I mean--
Like--
--I don't think
he tried enough--
--that seems like a
very simple thing to do.
--he didn't try enough masks.
There's-- there's
plenty of masks
that cover your whole beard.
Ah, ah.
Young Thug--
MERO: Oh.
DESUS: --has weighed
in to make his claro.
MERO: OK.
DESUS: Just so you know,
James Harden is my brada.
Which by-- between-- by the
way, he doesn't have internet.
So he obviously
doesn't know what's
right or wrong if he posted
something that's against us.
But I hate when rappers
get in nigga's biz
like it can't happen to them.
Buster, let niggas clear
they shit up activist.
OK?
What?
I'm-- I'm more confused now.
The emoji fucked me up.
Like, the emoji in the middle.
I'm like--
- And you know what?
--what is this?
What is this?
The words-- the words
fucked me up because they
don't make no sense.
Like, if this is
your PR statement,
you need a PR statement to
complete your PR statement.
This is just confusing.
I thought he was in--
the first line, I thought
he was in solidarity
with James Harden.
But at the end, is he mad?
Is--
- Yeah, I don't understand.
--he was like--
then he was like--
MERO: He don't have internet.
DESUS: Like--
MERO: So he don't know
what's right or wrong.
If he posted something that's--
what?
Also, James Harden
doesn't have internet?
Like, is he just--
doesn't have internet
right now, or he's
just never had internet?
Like, you're a millionaire,
and you don't have internet.
Like, this whole tweet
is just like, yo.
It's very disturbing.
Like a-- it's like
a EMP for my brain.
Like, yo, what the fuck?
Cause now, we're like--
you're thinking--
you're like, yo,
are their NBA players who
don't have the internet?
Like, what do they
do when they go home?
Is James Harden going home
and just reading a novel?
I don't see that.
MERO: Like he's just--
he's like, yo, this James
Patterson is a really
good light read, you know.
- It's a good one.
It's a good one.
He has on the reading
glasses and the bookmark.
The bookmark got cats on it.
Like, all right, you know.
This is how he's reading.
He's like, Desus, I be reading.
I be reading shit.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm-- and this is a-- by the
way, as a guy with, like,
you know, arms that are
kind of like flabby,
but there's, like, a little
bit of muscle under them,
this is what you do.
- That's how you do them.
- Side pose.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you just go like that.
Push out the muscle
a little bit, yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
It's like, argh.
- Yeah.
- You look super brawly.
Listen, throw this--
throw this on your Tinder.
You know what it is.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
MERO: Or I don't know--
And when the girls are
like-- when the girls are like,
what happened to your arms?
Be like, it was a old pic.
What do you want?
MERO: Yeah, what you mean?
It was-- it was
pre-corona, so sorry.
Wow.
Yo.
They couldn't-- like, his team
couldn't give him a-- a mask?
Like-- like yo.
They-- like, you're, like,
literally the franchise
player on your team.
Why can't you get a
Houston Rockets fucking--
Any mask--
--full beard mask.
DESUS: --a Desus
mask, a Nike mask.
Like yo.
And he's worth--
come on, man.
He's worth 47.7 mil.
MERO: Nah.
Man, get-- bro, if you
don't get your ass on Amazon
and order some real masks.
MERO: Yo, stop it, bro.
But he does have the internet.
Imagine--
Oh, no.
He doesn't have an app.
So imagine-- imagine if
we go to him and be like,
yo, go on Amazon.
He's like, why would I go
to the Amazon Rainforest?
It's like, no.
Why would I do that?
It's-- it's, like,
where you shop.
He's just, like,
dribbling a bak--
like, that's all he does is--
He's dribbling the reader.
He's like, hey, man, all
I do is play ball and hoop--
hoop and read.
You know what I'm saying?
I don't know nothing about
the fucking internet.
Internet, see that--
PRODUCER: Do you
think all NBA players
have, like, personal assistants
who do that for them?
Also, that.
- No, you know what?
- Like--
A lot of-- a lot
of NBA players, they
don't have personal assistants.
They have their best friend
from my childhood, who they pay
to be their personal assistant.
PRODUCER: Mm-hmm.
MERO: Yes.
But the best friend
is like, nah, I'm
not doing that dumb shit, OK?
MERO: Yeah.
I want to--
I want to be with
you in the club.
I want to be courtside.
I want to drive the Ferrari.
I want to get--
MERO: Yes.
--you know, the chicks
when you're done with them.
So when--
MERO: Yes.
--you're like, yo,
can you go and make
sure my mortgage is paid?
They're like, yeah, yeah,
yeah, I'll do that later.
MERO: Yeah, after I
take out the trash.
And that's how--
that's how you ruin yourself.
MERO: Yeah.
Also, they usually carry guns.
So you know, you gotta be--
- Also--
- --you gotta be careful with--
- Also.
--employing your
childhood friends.
Yeah, also, you
know, or your cousin.
You know what I'm saying
that just got here
or whatever the fuck.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, trying to
help somebody out.
PRODUCER: Do you guys employ
your childhood friends?
Would you?
I-- I-- um, I have
a few that I would.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, but like Desus
said, as like, you know,
gun carriers and shit like that.
I have-- I have childhood
friends who they know if I
need their
employment, it's going
to be for a specific purpose.
And hopefully, that
day doesn't come.
But for now, we don't need them.
So you know.
MERO: You know what I'm saying?
Watch your back, John Oliver.
PRODUCER: Oh, I thought this
was about Robert DeNiro.
Oh, no.
I would like to--
I would like to
apologize and squash
my beef with Robert DeNiro.
I forgot he's mad old.
And I'm just--
MERO: Yeah.
--that's-- that's
just elder abuse.
MERO: Is that-- yeah,
I was about to say.
I was like, that's like--
that's straight elder abuse,
dog, like--
- I went back, and I--
I looked at the fight
scene from "The Irishman."
Yeah.
He's supposed-- he's supposed
to be beating down the guy.
Yeah.
And then at the end,
after that, he kicks him.
But it's the wrong leg.
And I was like, what?
Desus, come on, man.
- Yeah.
- Come on, bro.
You know you can't
fight this guy.
Come on, man.
It's like--
Can't fight him, come on.
--kicking a-- it's like
kicking a dog, you know.
It's probably worse.
It's probably worse
than kicking--
You don't do that.
--it's like kicking
an old dog, OK?
- Yeah.
- It's--
Like a old stray dog.
You know what I'm saying?
An old-- an old
stray three legged dog.
Yeah, that's
like just poking--
You can't do that.
--around in some garbage
trying to get some food to eat.
You just come along and
just kick him in the chest.
Yeah.
Like, wow, man,
you don't do that.
So I'll just keep my
beef with Jeff Bezos, so--
You know what I'm saying?
There you go.
Jeff Bezos, two-- two--
two rounds in the ring, OK?
Let's go.
You know what I'm saying?
Winner gets a hun--
winner gets a 100 mil.
Let's go.
Same goes for you,
yo, Tucker Carlson,
the offer still stands.
DESUS: Yeah.
MERO: You know what I'm saying?
So that should be the
final episode of the season?
We just have, like,
a royal rumble,
and we just fight people.
Yo, talk about it.
Me-- me versus Jeff Bezos.
Who are you fighting?
Tucker Carlson?
Tucker Carlson, yeah.
And we get--
we get either Freddie
Gibbs or Guapdad
400 to come beat up Academiks.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Let's go.
That's a pay-per-view
I will watch.
The throom in the Zoom.
Yeah, baby.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ah.
I'll break all
social distancing.
PRODUCER: Who's gonna referee?
Who's gonna referee?
Dr. Fauci.
Yo.
For real.
Dr. Fauci.
He's out here looking wild
sexy and shit in magazines.
PRODUCER: OK, OK.
You see him.
You see him.
PRODUCER: We're
starting the show.
All right.
