-This is how it works.
In front of each of us
are two envelopes
containing confessions.
One is true,
and the other is a lie.
Once you read the confession,
the two other players
get to interrogate you.
They have to come
to a unanimous decision --
is it the truth,
or it the lie?
Billie, you'll go first.
Colin, which envelope
should she open?
-Mm.
Uh, 2.
-Mm. Mm-hmm.
-This?
-Numero dos.
-Wait.
-Can you open an envelope?
-Shut up.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, it's open on the bottom.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-Okay.
Are you ready for this?
-Okay. All right.
That is a strong...
-Strong fake cigarette.
-Um...
So, I once farted
in my friend's mouth while she
was yawning, and she threw up.
[ Laughter ]
-Wait.
What year was this?
♪♪
-Um, it was, um...
I was 12, so it was --
-Last year?
[ Laughter ]
So it was last year.
Okay, great.
-It was 2014.
-Okay.
-I was 12.
-And where were you?
-I was in my yard.
-Out back, in your backyard?
-Yeah, my backyard.
In my backyard.
-Daytime?
-Yeah.
-No, they were at nighttime
in the backyard.
What are you --
[ Laughter ]
Do you think it's camping?
-Yeah.
-What were you doing?
Like, wrestling
or fooling around
or doing gymnastics?
-Whoa.
-I was -- So, I was --
It was like, there was a table,
and she was sitting.
-Oh, please.
-I was standing here.
So, she was sitting, like,
facing this way.
I was standing here,
facing that way.
-Okay.
-She was eating.
-And where's the table?
-The table's here, so she was
facing the other way.
-Okay.
-What was she eating?
-Pizza.
-Pizza.
-Daytime pizza.
[ Laughter ]
-You want some nighttime pizza?
Like...
-That's kind of --
All right.
Kind of running
out of time here.
I don't know.
We need to ask more questions.
And are you friends
with her today?
-Ye-- Sort of.
[ Laughter ]
-Was it weird after that?
-It was so funny.
-[ Laughs ]
-So funny.
-What do you think?
I think...
-I think...true.
-Yeah, I think true.
I think it sounds
like something weirdly --
-It sucks.
-Is it true?
-Yes.
♪♪
-Oh, my God.
But why did you do that?
Did you do that --
Why did you do that?
Was it on purpose?
-It was silent.
Listen, it was silent.
I did not think it would be bad,
but, you know,
those are always the worst ones.
-Okay, here we go.
-That's the problem.
-Which envelope should I open?
Truth or lie?
What do you think?
Billie?
Colin?
-Uh...one.
-Yeah.
-Doesn't matter
because I'm such a good actor.
-Well...
Whoa.
-Shut up.
-Ever see a movie called "Taxi"?
[ Laughter ]
-Okay, here we go.
Oh, I got fired from my job
at the supermarket
for pretending to be French.
[ Laughter ]
-When?
-This is -- I was 15,
so I'd probably say --
-What was the name
of the supermarket?
-Oddly, it was Great American
was the name of the supermarket.
-Can you repeat?
What happened?
-I got fired from my job
for pretending to be French.
-Why were you
pretending to be French?
-I was bored.
-You were bored.
-I was bored.
I was putting stickers
on canned -- canned foods.
I was bored.
And people
would ask me questions,
and I'd be like, "Non."
[ Laughter ]
"Non." And then, sometimes
people would ask for something,
I'd go, "You want --"
And I would point
to French dressing.
[ Laughter ]
Or if it was around mustard, I
would point to French's mustard.
And I think
someone ratted on me.
Someone complained, and then
they said, "Who did it?"
And then one of my friends
ratted on me.
-The French guy, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah.
"Who was pretending to be French
and not helping people?"
-And then I was like,
"I don't know who."
-Sound like a very pretentious
15-year-old, by the way.
[ Laughter ]
-So, you're pretending
to not understand them.
-"I don't know.
I don't know."
[ Laughter ]
-You were 15.
-Yeah.
♪♪
All right.
What do you guys think?
-Uh...
-I don't think so.
-Mnh-mnh.
I want to say...
It's almost, like,
not funny enough to be true.
[ Laughter ]
-Now, you -- Now I'm thinking --
-Like, you know what I'm saying?
Like, we agree?
-Now I'm thinking it did happen.
-You know what I'm saying?
[ Sad trombone ]
-Now you're thinking
it did happen because --
-I'm just gonna say it happened.
You can say it didn't
so one of us can win.
-Okay, good.
-Okay?
-No, I think
you have to be unanimous.
-No, no.
[ Laughter ]
-I like how you're just
playing this game, he goes,
"No, I think you have to be --"
You don't even know the rules
of your game.
[ Laughter ]
-You have to be unanimous.
Ready?
1, 2, 3 -- yea or nay?
-Yea.
-Yea.
-You think yea, it did happen.
-I think it did happen.
-Yeah.
It did not happen.
-Oh!
-You were right!
You should've stuck
to your guess!
That's the lesson learned --
stick to your guess.
No.
I did get fired
but it was for doing whip-its.
Colin, I think you should --
[ Laughter ]
You should --
I think you should go.
-Come on, baby.
-I think number one.
'Cause you know why?
You're number one to me, man.
-Aw, thanks.
-Yeah.
Here we go.
-Okay. Ready?
-Yeah.
-My first stand-up set
was in a police station
while I was under arrest.
-That's so cool.
-This is absolutely true.
This is so true.
-I love --
-He's Colin Quinn.
He's the most Irish guy I know.
This is perfect for his
one-man show and first book.
This is so him.
He did stand-up
in a police station.
Why were you arrested?
-Possession of
a controlled substance.
[ Laughter ]
-So, you had weed on you,
or was it something else?
-[ Laughs ]
-Yeah, you don't want to say.
[ Laughter ]
-Wait.
But how old were you?
-You get arrested for weed?
Come on.
[ Laughter ]
-How old were you?
-Uh, 22.
-Oh, my gosh.
He totally did this.
It was you-know-what and the
thing, and he got busted.
Were you in a car
or something, driving?
-No.
-That's right, because you
grew up in the streets
of Brooklyn,
and that's
how you have your accent.
So you were walking around,
you started some trouble.
-I just like picturing it.
-You got in a fight
with somebody?
-No.
-How did you get arrested?
-What is that?
-How did you get arrested?
You were buying?
-Possession -- 'Cause I was --
-The whole way
on Fifth Avenue and 43rd Street.
-How much cocaine did you have?
[ Laughter ]
-It was fake.
-It was fake cocaine?
-It was fake.
Don't do fake cocaine.
[ Laughter ]
I love it.
-You're not a role model
for children.
"Don't do fake cocaine."
[ Laughter ]
Don't do cocaine at all!
Real or fake.
-What's fake cocaine?
-I know him pretty well.
-Called procaine.
-Procaine.
-That's what they called it!
-I think of course
this happened to him,
'cause he has this type of luck.
-I just love to picture it.
So I'm gonna -- I feel like
it's true, you know?
-Gosh, if he's lying,
you're a genius,
'cause he is a good actor, too.
I'm gonna say it's true.
-I think it's true.
-It's true.
-Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Come on.
I love you, buddy.
Oh, there's
the truth right there!
Billie Eilish, Colin Quinn,
everybody!
