- A long time ago, but not long enough ago
that it's not still very relevant
(audience laughs)
everyone in Britain got in a big old boat,
and we set sail and we robbed,
and this will sound far-fetched,
everyone in the world.
(audience laughs)
Do you remember that?
What a spree that was?
Do you remember the great heist?
What a spree.
(audience laughs)
And we got all this swag didn't we?
And we took it back to old blighty
and we hid it, this is the clever part,
we hid it in a museum.
(audience laughs)
Last place anyone looks.
Now it's the modern day,
and all them countries we stole stuff from
are asking for their stuff back.
But don't be worried.
We're totally saying a blanket no.
(audience laughs)
Now, a few of you are sitting there,
I can see your angry faces,
like "So what? Finders keepers, shut up."
And--
(audience laughs)
listen, in your defense,
"finders keepers, shut up"
has worked very well for us so far.
Gents does and knocked it out of the park
"finders keepers, shut up".
But even you got to admit, right,
if someone stole something
off you as an individual,
it was your favorite
thing and they nicked it,
and you knew who had nicked it by the way
for a fact, not a hunch,
you know who's stolen it.
Everybody knows, it's common knowledge.
Some people have written books about it.
They have definitely nicked it off you.
(audience laughs)
You go to ask for it back,
and they just standing there.
They're not even running away.
And they're twice your
size, they ain't scared.
They haven't even bothered to hide it.
They've done the opposite
of hiding it actually.
They put it in a glass display case.
(audience laughs)
It's lit from seven different
angles, real clear what it is.
There's no disputing it's the same thing
that once belonged to you cause
there's a plaque next to it,
says exactly what it is
at the top of the plaque,
and then a paragraph underneath
about how important it is
to you and your culture.
(audience laughs)
You'd be forgiven for
thinking, "Mmm I'm pretty sure
"they haven't got a leg to stand on here.
(audience laughs)
"Probably gonna take this home today."
Must have been so confident,
all them countries
when they asked for their stuffs back.
Walking up to Britain,
saying to their friends,
"Wait in the car, don't even need ya.
"Be back in a jiffy mate.
"Hey man, a while ago,
a lot of your ancestors
"stole loads of stuff from my ancestors.
"Yeah, I'm here to take them home.
"Let's right this wrong, what do you say?"
They must have thought the
British person at the door
was gonna go, "Absolutely
you can have them back.
"We stole them after all."
But instead we went, "I don't think so.
(audience laughs)
"We're still looking at it.
(audience laughs and cheers)
"Yeah, just looking at it these days.
"And there's a lot of other
people who haven't seen it yet
"we'd quite like to show it to.
"So not right now selfish.
(audience laughs)
"Don't sulk about it.
"Look, it's no hard feelings mate.
"Hey, you can look at it, come on in.
"Have a look; have a look.
"Seem familiar?
(evil chortle)
"Stand behind the rope!"
(audience laughs)
That's why the British Museum
is so busy all the time.
No British people ever go in there,
it's full of people from abroad
looking at their own stuff.
(audience laughs)
Just walking the corridors,
reminiscing about the good old days.
And I imagine just openly
robbing the gift shop at the end.
That is one all you punks.
