♫ EPIC NEW FUS RO DAH INTRO MUSIC ♫
AARON: Hey everybody! Welcome back! It's Skyrim for Pimps, Season 2.
We got a brand new person replacing Fun Tits--*Fün* Tits, sorry!
EMRE: Yeah, we're not replacing her. She's doing her thing.
AARON: We left Fün in a nice--in a good place. Maybe we will go visit her at some point.
EMRE: Yeah!
AARON: But, um...
EMRE: For now, we're moving on to story oooof...
[EPIC RAP BATTLE ANNOUNCER VOICE] *CROTCH GUZZLER*!!
EMRE [entirely disgusted and unimpressed]: Crotch...Guzzler...
AARON: Crotch Guzzler, yes.
EMRE [stifling laughter]: Uhmm...
AARON: Do you have a problem with that?
EMRE: C-Crotch Guzzler? Are you serious??
Out of all the names you could have picked, you pick *Crotch Guzzler*?
AARON: Well, yeah. It's...This is another example of a *family name* that goes down through the ages...
This is the first *Crotch* Guzzler, but there's been a number of different Guzzlers.
EMRE: So, *GUZZLER* is an Elven household?
AARON: Well, let's take a look at the family tree. Shall we?
[INSERT GENTLE GUITAR STRUMMING AS AARON PREPARES TO PROVE EMRE WRONG YET AGAIN]
So, here ya go! It started all the way back with Cüm Guzzler.
He was the *original* Guzzler...aaaand, you know, as it went down through the years there was a lot of different, you know, marriages and branches.
But then, eventually, you end up with *Crotch* Guzzler.
So, anyway...
Crotch Guzzler, uhhhh--he got kicked out of the house.
He was about 230 years old. He had been living at home for a *long time*.
EMRE: *230*? Yeah...
AARON: His elf parents were really gettin' sick of it. So, they sent him off...kinda, you know, fucked around for a little while burning foxes...
You know, every so often he would fill a wheelbarrow full of his own *shit* and push it into a village then just light it on fire and run.
Ah, he was just a little bit of a prankster but, you know...He's starting to, uh--I feel like he's starting to wise up now and he's just like,
'YEEAAAAH, I think I better go, uh...*do* something with my life. All these practical jokes are gettin' a little--'
EMRE: TIME TO GO TO COLLEGE!!
BJORLAM: Where do ya want to go??
AARON: Hey, man! Take me to the College of Magic.
BJORLAM: Climb on back, and we'll be off.
AARON: Fifty gold?! You've raised your prices.
EMRE: DUDE! How can you afford this? You're a college student.
AARON: It's worse than the price of textbooks!
I'm off to college!
How are you guys doin' today?
[DUMBSTRUCK SILENCE]
Yeah...
Alright. Well, I guess that's why you're *guards*.
They don't even have a goat to speak for them...
FARALDA: Cross the bridge at your own peril! You shall *NOT* gain entry!
AARON: Like, can I just pay a tuition or something, ma'am?
...Why are you out here?
FARALDA: The more important question is...Why are *you* here?
AARON: I just wanna fuck people up with ice and fire, ma'am.
FARALDA: Those wishing to enter must show *some* degree of skill with magic.
...A small *test*, if you will.
AARON: Uhhhh, I guess I'll take your test...as long as it's not a urine test!
Because that might be a problem.
EMRE: Alright! Don't *FAIL* this test!
FARALDA: Well done, indeed.
AARON: Thanks.
FALADA: You will make a superb addition to the college.
AARON: Okay.
FALADA: Welcome, Apprentice!
EMRE: Dude, that teacher is *hot*.
AARON: She *is* hot. I hope they're all like this...
EMRE [skeptical]: So, how much research did you do on picking this college?
...Were there any other colleges you were looking into or did you just pick this--the *first* one?
AARON: The only college that sent me a pamphlet in the mail was this one, so...
I just figured I'd go with it...
MIRABELLE ERVINE: Welcome to the college.
AARON: Oh, thank you!
MIRABELLE [a very refined woman]: I'll give you a brief tour and then we'll get you to your first class.
Are you ready to begin?
AARON [also a lady of refinement]: CLAAHSSS? She's going to get me to my first CLAHHSS.
EMRE [joining in]: Your first CLAHHSS.
MIRABELLE: Please, follow me and *DON'T* wander off.
EMRE [thinking about footballs in mouths again]: I wonder if they have a football team here...
AARON [unimpressed]: Oh, wonderful. *Wow*.  This is great.
You know...I, uhh, originally applied to Hogwarts but uhh, I got denied so...I had to come here...
EMRE: It's like the DeVry of magic colleges.
AARON: The DeVry Institute for Magic and Boredom.
EMRE: Hey! At least you don't have a roommate.
That's like the worst part of college.
AARON: Oh, this is my room??
EMRE: Yeah!
AARON: I get all this??
I get my own *SKULL*??
[MANIACAL CACKLING]
AARON: Look it! I got my own skull, lady!
AARON [as a dead man's raspy skull]: WOO! AHLOLOLOO!
EMRE: Calm down, dude. It's your first day of college.
AARON [ignoring EMRE as usual]: WOOoOoOoOOOOoo!! LOOK IT DEH! OOoOohhh! WHERE YEH GOIN'?!
MIRABELLA [unaffected by skull harassment]: Initially you will be learning from Tolfdir, one of our most esteemed wizards.
AARON [normally]: Toll-Free?
Is he, like...Is he a, uh, telemarketer?
EMRE: *TOLL-FREE*. Hah, hah, hah.
AARON [impatient already]: Can you just walk a little bit faster...?
EMRE: Dude, it's *school*. There's always gotta be that person in front of ya who just walks slow as FUCK.
AARON: YAAAAAaaaaaaaayyyy--Hey, everybody! Look, I'm here!
WHERE'S DEH BOOZE??
̶T̶O̶L̶L̶-̶F̶R̶E̶E̶  TOLFDIR: We were just beginning!
AARON: Who wants to PARTY???
AARON [back to being a gravelly skull]: WAAAAWAAAAHHWAHHHWAHHHWAaaaAAAaaah!
[COUGH COUGH]
AARON THE SKULL: I CHOKED ON HIS HEAD!
WAAAH!
TOLFDIR: What do you think we should do?
AARON: O-Oh, I wasn't paying attention! UM! I'm not really sure *what* to think!
Ohhh, God. I kinda don't care, buddy.
EMRE: Who would have thought Magic College would be SOOOO boring?
AARON: Hey, *ONMUND*. How's it going?
ONMUND: New here too, eh? I hoped I wouldn't be the only Nord, but I should have known better.
AARON: ...Yeah.
Uhhh...
Bye.
J'ZARGO: Yew are new, yeesss? HAVE YOU MASTERED THE EXPERT LEVEL DESTRUCTION SPELLS YET?
AARON, A RACIST: Ehhh, I didn't know they had *pets* in this, uuuh, college.
EH HEH HEH HEH HEHHHHH...
Oh, no. Mage's College? Off to a BAD start...
EMRE: Yeah, well, you know...The first day of college is always the worst, you know? You gotta sit through fuckin' orientation and all that shit.
AARON: Yeah, that's true.
EMRE: Yeah! And, there are no HOT girls in your class!
It's just a catman and a ffffffffaggot.
[AARON and a rogue ADAM laugh over EMRE's edgelord sputtering]
AARON [barely able to contain himself]: That's the new--The new series from FOX. 'Catman and the Faggot'.
...You realize how offensive that is?
EMRE: IS IT?
AARON: I just want you to *realize* it so that we can include it in the video...and not feel guilty.
[EMRE chokes on his own laughter, unsure if AARON is being serious--AARON is definitely being serious]
AARON: Okay, wheeere's...Tol--Toll-Free?
OOOOH, we're going to Saarthal!
EMRE: OH, good!
AARON: AN ADVENTURE!
EMRE: Yes! Your first field trip!
AARON: Alright, well, I'm kinda enjoying getting out of the college already.
EMRE: Yeah, that place is pretty *stifling*.
AARON: Where's Saarthal? How do I get to Saarthal?
EMRE: Maybe there's some public transportation that will go there.
AARON: The He'lls goin' on here?
...What're you guys doing?
Tolfdir! What are you doin?!
EMRE: Whoa! Hey!
AARON [in horror while EMRE only laughs]: W-W-WHY ARE YOU KILLING THIS GOAT?!
WHY'S TOLFDIR ATTACKING THIS GOAT??
OOhhhooho, MY GAWHD!
I don't wanna be *taught* by someone who just goes around and randomly kills goats!
Okaaay, I'm at Saarthaaaal...
Helloooo...?
EMRE: Oh, wow. You're the first one to get here.
AARON: W-Well, yeah! That's because *TOLL-FREE* is off killing rabbits now, probably.
And anything else that's completely harmless.
AARON [shivering with disgust]: UGH!
EMRE: This is how great wizards work. They kill *everything*. CONSTANTLY PRACTICING.
AARON: Hey, Onmund!
ONMUND:...I'm not so sure we should be here.
AARON: Eh. Fascinating...
Get the fuck outta my way.
TOLFDIR: WELL! Are there any questions before we begin?
AARON: What?
Why do you always talk to *me*? Why don't you talk to any of the other students??
EMRE: I think I know why...
Why else would a HORNY old teacher man lead three people into a deep, dank cave in the middle of nowhere?
AARON: Oh, my God. You're right.
Ohhh, Gawd. He's probably already drugged us...
EMRE: Alright, soooooooo the horny old teacher man told you to look for...artifacts...
AARON: Alright, here's somethin'. Uhhh...
YEAH! Enchanted ring!
OOOO--Another enchanted ring!
EMRE: Wooo!
AARON: Yeah! That's *three* enchanted rings.
OOOOH, look! I found an *ancient amulet*!
EMRE [faking his excitement]: WHEEEhhh!
[Something unseen slides with a mechanical hiss and a heavy clank somewhere in the cavern depths]
AARON: What's goin' on??
IT WAS A TRAP!
TOLFDIR [not a very good teacher]: How in the WORLD did that happen??
AARON: Yeah...He said that like, 'How in deh WOOORLD did thaaat happen??'
'Like, *I* didn't do that!'
TOLFDIR: There must be *something* about that amulet! Have you tried putting it on?
AARON: Ohhh, no. I haven't.
EMRE: It's a good thing this game was like, designed for children and *retards* to be able to play.
Because there is *no way* you could get through it.
AARON: 'Children and retards...'
EMRE: If it was even REMOTELY difficult...
AARON [grumbling]: That's really nice, Emre...
WHOA, COOL!
Gas fumes!
Ohhh, dude, I'm gonna get *so* high!
YEAH! That's some DOOR BREAKING ACTION!
EMRE: NIIIIICEEEE!
AARON [as a tubular rascal from the 90's]: What's goin' on, Old Man?
What's happening?
EMRE: Wow.
AARON: Oooh, God. What's goin' on...
EMRE: Maybe you did get high off of those fumes?
AARON: I think so.
MYSTERIOUS ELVEN ENTITY [deeply distorted from the gas fumes]: WELL!!! W-W-W-W-WEELLLL!
KNOW THAT YEHW HAVE S-S-SET IN MOTION A CHaaaaaaaaain of EEVENTS--
ACHAINOFEVENTS.
T-T-THAT CANNOT BE SSSSSSSSSSTOPPED.
STOPPED.
STOPPED.
STOPPED.
JUDGMENT WILL BE--
Based on your actions to come.
COME.
COMM.
CUM.
And, how you deal with--
DAAAHAHAHHEHAngers ahead of you.
This warning is passed to you because the PSiJiC Order believes in you.
[A static filled voice calls Crotch Guzzler's name from beyond the gates of sanity]
And, you alone have the potential to--
TO TAKE AH SHIT!
[A MYSTERIOUSLY WET FART PFFFFTTTT]
And know that the Order is watching--
[HIGH-PITCHED SCREECH OVER MANIACAL LAUGHING, ENDING WITH A DELICATE BUBBLE POP]
EMRE:...So, what the Hell was *that*?
AARON: Some sort of ghost or apparition, I guess?
[EMRE laughs in disbelief]
AARON: It spoke to me.
EMRE: You don't seem fazed.
This stuff happen a lot while you're on acid?
[A LOUD, EARTHY CRASH]
[EMRE and AARON screaming in unison over the too spooky Draugr]
EMRE: MONSTERS!
AARON: Yeah! Did ya see how cool I was there?
That was *awesome*.
EMRE: OOOHOHOHOOO!
AARON: YEAAAAAAAAHH--
EMRE: Took a couple of arrows to the knee right there.
AARON: I don't think I can adventure anymore.
TOLFDIR: I've never seen *anything* like this in Nordic ruins before!
AARON: Um, well, what this is--is called a Draugr Barrow. The Draugrs live down here.
UM, actually, they're all *DEAD* but then they come back alive when you come down here. You have to *kill* them all.
And then usually, there's some sort of treasure at the end. I've done them about FIVE MILLION TIMES.
Okay?
History lesson for today is finished.
...You stupid sonovabitch.
EMRE [as a stereotypical British safari man: OOOOH, IT'S A PUZZLE. WONDAHFUUL.
AARON: I don't feel like solving this...
EMRE: Do you want me to solve it for you?
AARON: Yeahh...
♫
[OCARINA OF TIME 'SECRET SOUND' ALERT DOO DA DODADOOOoo]
AARON: Whoa, Tolfdir! Check this out! This is kinda neat.
Just kidding. It's pretty boring.
Alright. Well. Let's move on.
TOLFDIR: Whyyyyy is this buried soooo far---HUH?!
AARON [muttering]: What the fuck are you doing?
EMRE: WHOA!!
AARON: Jyrik Gauldurson?? Holy shit! He sold me my car!
The Hell's he doing?
TOLFDIR: THERE! NOW ATTACK IT!
AARON: *Now* attack him? Oh, okay.
Jyriiiiik??
WHAAAAAAHHH!
Uhhh, Tolfdir? That's not working!
Help! Tolfdir!
[EMRE's back to laughing at AARON's pain]
EMRE: Try a different spell. Maybe he's resistant to *FIRE*...
Ahh, yeah! That does it!
AARON: Alright, that was a good idea.
Y-YEAH, SUCK IT! D-Deerick Firenawgers...
What the fuck was his name?
EMRE [sing-song]: Call 8-4-7 2-6-8! That's JYYYRICK GAULDERSOONN--
EMRE and AARON [singing in unison]: CHEVROLET!
AARON: So, uh, that was kinda fun. Right, Tolfdir?
TOLFDIR: This is *simply* fascinating!
AARON: OH...
Mnn...
Can you think of any other adjectives?
[EMRE finds demented old men hilarious]
*ANYTHING*?
AARON [mockingly]: WOWWWW! NEAT-O!
This is really *SPECIAL*! I'VE ENJOYED THIS!
I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW LUCKY I AM TO BE HERE!
IIII am having such a GOOD TIME here!
WOW!
THIS IS FASCINATING!
I GUESS I'LL STAND HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE!
INTERESTING, DER!!
AAAH!? GUUHHH?
DAAAAAAHHH!
HOOOOP??
BLEEEEEEGHHHhhh!!!
AARON [normal]: How did this show just turn into constant like, lowbrow shitty jokes?
EMRE: Cuz we're not playing a *woman* anymore.
AARON: Nooo, so we just--This is what *MEN* do.
EMRE: YEAH, YEAH! We had *classier* jokes before because there was a woman involved.
AARON: The women *improved* our jokes. Now that they're gone...
EMRE: We've made more fart and shit jokes in *THIS* episode alone than we did in the *ENTIRE* first season.
AARON: That's something to be VERY proud of.
WELL. I've had a good first episode. I don't know about you but, uh...
See ya next time! I *swear* we'll only make...58% fart and poop jokes.
[GTA Random Citizen: Yeeeeaaah! BOI, BOI! HaHa! DOPE!]
