You know what makes any story ten times better?
"EVERYONE HERE IS MALE"
 
Cross-dressing
"Not Sure If Dude Looks Like A Lady
 
Or Lady Looks Like A Dude"
 
That's right. This is a look at Shakespeare's famous play about gender confusion .
A little something called "Twelfth Night" for some reason.
"OUR LOVE CAN NEVER BE"
 
It's got doomed love,
"AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO"
 
ambiguous love
"accidental
LOVE"
 
accidental love
awkward love
"WHAT ON EARTH IS HAPPENING"
 
confusing love
and no sense of personal boundaries.
Here's Twelfth Night:
The story begins with a shipwreck and a sweet little musical number.
We get our first look at the twin protagonists Sebastian and Viola [like the instrument].
"just gonna level with you here, I have no idea how most of these names are pronounced - sorry :P"
 
Uhh, it might be Viola [like the "vio" in "violet"].
"just gonna level with you here, I have no idea how most of these names are pronounced - sorry :P"
 
They kind of pronounce it like that in the movie.
"just gonna level with you here, I have no idea how most of these names are pronounced - sorry :P"
 
But I like Viola better because that is a
pretty cool instrument.
And they certainly do look very much alike.
But that's only when they're wearing identical wigs, makeup, and fake mustaches.
(Sarcastic) It's uncanny!
So Viola and a few sailors wash up on the shores of Illyria,
"Definition of ILLYRIA
ancient region S Europe in Balkan Peninsula bordering on the Adriatic"
 
So Viola and a few sailors wash up on the shores of Illyria,
a country at war with their homeland,
which is a rather unfortunate turn of events.
Viola thinks her brother Sebastian has drowned, which is very sad and all.
But this movie has time constraints and we have to get to the comedy soon or else.
Time for some cross-dressing!
Viola decides that the best way to survive in this enemy land
is to dress like a man and get a job as a servant of the local
"THE DUKE OF PROBABLY-NOT-PRONOUNCED-THAT-WAY"
 
Duke Orsino,
who we learn is lovesick for the allegedly beautiful countess Olivia.
Unfortunately, Olivia doesn't want to deal with any men since she's in mourning for her brother who recently died.
What a romantic tragedy! It's almost as if her situation parallels Viola.
"TWELFTH
NIGHT
 
OR
WHAT YOU WILL"
 
So it's three days later and Viola (now going by the name Cesario) has gained employment in Orsino's court.
So we finally meet the lovesick Duke who's apparently an unlikable whiner.
"all stock photos of ipod-listening teens were happy ones :("
 
Much like a sad teenager lying in bed with his ear buds in,
Orsino has been listening to Cesario play the piano in an effort to forget his sorrows.
A servant comes in with news from Olivia.
Apparently, she wouldn't let him in to speak on Orsino's behalf.
Orsino, deciding that maybe a handsomer servant would get better results,
instead sends Cesario to go speak on his behalf.
It's pretty good logic actually. I mean look at how "bishy" he is.
So Cesario is like, "[Fake man voice] Uh, I don't think she'll let me in. And plus, I don't know how to talk to girls."
And Orsino is like, "What? Come on. You practically are one anyway."
And Cesario is like, "[High pitched] What?!"
"[Deeper voice] I mean, ahem, what? No, no way."
But he persuades her to go anyway so Cesario goes to talk to Olivia about the benefits of hooking up with Duke Orsino.
Over to Palacio de Olivio where we meet a veritable army of comedy relief, I mean servants.
They get up to some comedic shenanigans, only to be foiled by the resident "stop-having-fun" guy,
a dude named Malvolio.
These guys kind of play out their own weird little plot thing through the story.
But you really don't need to worry about them right now.
Olivia and her clown have a conversation about which of them is the bigger fool. But they're interrupted
by the timely arrival of Cesario, who's been making a bit of a ruckus at the gate.
Olivia is mildly intrigued by this and decides to let him in.
So Cesario is like, "Yeah, I have a letter here from Orsino. Which one of you is Olivia?"
And Olivia's like, "Just read the damn thing."
And Cesario's like "Yeah, I can only read it to you."
So Olivia sends her servants out, leaving the two of them alone.
Uh, ok. So are we sure Viola is not actually flirting with Olivia?
Because this is... pretty blatant.
So they talk about how beautiful Olivia is and how much Orsino loves her.
And whoa, are they about to kiss?
Oh, ok, never mind.
Olivia is like, "He knows I can't love him."
And Cesario is like, "If I were in love with you, I wouldn't understand why not."
And Olivia is like, "If you were in love with me, what would you do?"
And he's like, "I would shout really loudly!"
And Olivia is like, "Wow, that was romantic."
So Olivia kicks Cesario out and tells him that she can't love Orsino.
But, you know, if he wants to contest the point, he can just send Cesario to talk to her more since she'd be okay with that.
Yep, Olivia has fallen in love with Cesario.
Awkward~
She sends her grumpy servant Malvolio to give him a ring that he supposedly dropped.
But mostly to display her affections.
Cesario realizes that Olivia has fallen in love with quote unquote "him",
which is bad because he is actually a she.
And this was a time when such love officially never happened.
So this is just kind of a problem.
Jump cut to Sebastian!
Turns out, he's still alive and has been living with a sailor named Antonio who saved him from the shipwreck.
Sebastian thinks that Viola died in the wreck and he's really broken up about it.
So he's traveling to Orsino's court for some reason.
And Antonio decides to follow him, which is a bad idea since Antonio is not a very popular guy in those parts.
"and they're also completely unrelated to the Sebastian and Antonio in The Tempest"
 
Incidentally, Antonio is heavily implied to be, like, really in love with Sebastian.
Back to the comedy relief squad, they're doing funny plot-irrelevant stuff.
Cesario and Orsino are playing cards and talking about love.
Orsino is like, "Is there anyone you love?"
And Cesario is like, "Uh, ahem. Well, there is someone."
And Orsino is like, "Oh, yeah? What's she like?"
And Cesario is like, "Oh, you know. She's, uh, about your height, and complexion, and age,
and your same majestic mustache--I mean basically, she's just like you."
And Orsino (master of not taking a hint) is like, "Well, you know I prefer younger girls."
"Maybe you should ditch her in favor of someone younger."
And Cesario is like, "Yeah, uh, I'll think about that."
So the comedy relief squad gets a little fed up with Malvolio spoiling all their fun.
And begin to devise a plan to get him out of their hair for a while.
"of course
i'm in Love
with You
Darling"
 
Their brilliant plan is to make Malvolio believe that Olivia has fallen in love with him.
"of course
i'm in Love
with You
Darling"
 
And from there, make him act like an idiot in front of her.
Cesario is having a little internal monologue about how tragic it is that although she is in love with Orsino,
he can't love her because he thinks she's a man.
And at the same time, Olivia is in love with Cesario because she thinks she's a man.
[Sigh]
Yeah, it's an actual love triangle for once rather than one of those stupid
love bent lines that all the books keep trying to pass off as a love triangle.
The servants put their dastardly plan into motion. Malvolio is completely convinced
and is actually daydreaming of being a Count even before he finds the forged love note.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: Olivia's servant Maria has very similar handwriting to her.
So she's written an ambiguous love note that Malvolio could easily interpret as being directed to him.
So that's part of their brilliant plan.
The note also tells him to act in certain stupid ways which he agrees wholeheartedly to do.
Olivia invites Cesario back to visit and they have a romantic stroll through the gardens.
Olivia confesses her love to Cesario.
So Cesario is like, "Aww, crap. How do I get out of this one?"
"I don't like girls!"
Smoothly done
Olivia feels pretty terrible about the whole situation.
Hey, it's Sebastian! He's in town.
And the mysterious mildly sinister character following him is none other than his sailor friend Antonio,
"I can see no way in which this
carefully laid plan could ever fail."
 
who made the questionable decision of following Sebastian into a territory where he's a wanted man.
Sebastian, though, is overjoyed to see a familiar face.
However, they split up since Antonio's in some danger.
But Sebastian's going full tourist on the town.
Antonio gives him his wallet, says, "Don't spend it all in one place", and skedaddles.
Orsino is still sad about Olivia.
And Cesario is like, "You've got to move on, man. She doesn't love you."
"What if at this very moment, some beautiful but surprisingly manly girl was madly in love with you but you couldn't reciprocate her feelings?"
And Orsino is like, "That's ridiculous. No girl could be that in love with me."
Back at Olivia's place, there's some drama happening among the comedy relief characters.
"WHAAAAT"
 
 
 
Back at Olivia's place, there's some drama happening among the comedy relief characters.
"WHAAAAT"
 
"ISN'T THAT ILLEGAL"
 
Back at Olivia's place, there's some drama happening among the comedy relief characters.
One of Olivia's ditzier servants, a man named Andrew Aguecheek,
is angry because Olivia loves Cesario more than she loves him.
And Cesario rejected her affection.
In fact, Andrew is so mad he wants to challenge Cesario to a duel over it.
Yeah, this should be good.
Malvolio is still acting like an idiot around Olivia.
And the other servants are like, "Wow, he must have gone crazy."
We must deal with this the medieval way,
by locking him in a cellar until he stops being crazy.
That'll learn him.
Olivia gets distracted by the timely arrival of Cesario.
She's like, "Listen, uh, I feel really bad about confessing my love to you yesterday."
"Is there any way I could make it up to you?"
And Cesario is like, "Yeah, have you considered falling madly in love with Orsino? That could help."
Unfortunately, then one of Olivia's other servants shows up
to tell Cesario that he has been challenged to a sword fight.
This is bad news to poor Cesario who has never had a lesson in her life.
The servant, whose name is Toby by the way,
is like "Aww, yeah. He is a demon; this guy has killed so many dudes."
And then he runs back to Andrew and he is like,
"Yeah, this kid is a madman. They say he fought for the Shah of Persia."
And comedy ensues.
Each duelist is convinced the other is far more competent than either one actually is.
[Awkward standstill]
This is about how most of my fencing matches go.
[Peppy music]
[Slight screaming]
Now this part is also surprisingly accurate.
Antonio has arrived on the scene.
He sees Cesario and mistakes him...her...
Just don't think about the pronouns too much.
for his beloved Sebastian and intervenes in the duel.
Unfortunately, he is immediately arrested and asks Cesario for his wallet back,
which of course, he can't do because he doesn't have it and also doesn't know him.
Antonio gets his butt hauled off to Duke Orsino's palace,
while Cesario begins to question whether her brother might have survived the shipwreck after all.
Malvolio is still in a cellar; it is still hilarious.
Sebastian, with the help of Olivia's clown, has found his way to her palace.
Since he looks exactly like Cesario (well, allegedly),
Olivia immediately charges out and tries to persuade him to love her.
Unfortunately, her servants get there first and Andrew attacks Sebastian.
This has the unexpected result of pissing him off.
And unfortunately for them, Sebastian actually does know how to fight.
I think the best part of this scene is Andrew's face after every punch.
Because it really looks like he has no idea what is happening.
[Punch]
What?
[Punch]
 
What is going on?
Then Olivia runs out and makes him stop,
apologizing to Sebastian, who she thinks is Cesario and declaring her love for him.
Sebastian is confused but is not about to question a beautiful woman flinging herself at him.
Then she proposes to him and, of course, he accepts.
Because who wouldn't accept a marriage proposal from Helena Bonham Carter?
The servants are still messing with Malvolio; it is still hilarious.
Then Olivia and Sebastian are married.
Well, that was quick. She didn't even know his name yet.
Antonio has been dragged to Orsino's palace.
Cesario is like, "This guy saved my life."
And Antonio is really broken up about the fact that the guy, who he thinks is Sebastian, is completely ignoring him.
Olivia arrives and is like "Hey, husband. What are you doing here?"
Poor Cesario is extremely confused by this turn of events.
And Olivia is understandably upset that Cesario seems to be denying that they have ever been married.
She gets the priest to attest so that he did marry the two of them.
So Orsino is incredibly pissed at this.
And he is like, "I can't believe you betrayed me like this."
And then Andrew storms up and he is like, "Help, I just got my butt kicked by Cesario."
Who has, of course, been standing there the entire time.
So now, everyone is confused and the matter is only further complicated when Sebastian finally shows up.
So Antonio is like, " Oh, there are two of you. I get it."
And Olivia, upon seeing the two identical blokes who she thought she married, responds appropriately.
"Most wonderful"
"GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER"
 
"Most wonderful"
Sebastian and Viola
Yeah, remember? That is Cesario's actual name.
They have a tearful reunion.
And the removal of her barely-visible mustache makes it obvious to all observers that he is in fact a she.
And Orsino is like, "Oh, so now my awkward man crush makes sense!"
And Olivia is like, "Wait, this means I actually know nothing about the guy that I just married."
Orsino goes and proposes to Viola who of course, accepts. And it's just freaking adorable, you guys.
I can't even--
Oh, wait. Poor Malvolio is super traumatized.
Nah, well, that guy was a killjoy anyways.
[When that I was and a little tiny boy]
 
And that's it!
[When that I was and a little tiny boy,
With a hey, ho, the wind and the rain]
 
This is also the exact plot of She's The Man
[With a hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
A foolish thing was but a toy,
For the rain it raineth every day.]
 
This play hasn't aged well - all the joke romances are plausible
[For the rain it raineth every day.
With a hey, ho, the wind and the rain]
 
If Twelfth Night were written today, Olivia and Viola would've hooked up
[With a hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
For the rain it raineth every day.]
 
which would have been awesome, by the way
[For the rain it raineth every day.
But when I came to man’s estate,]
 
The clown's name is Feste
[But when I came to man’s estate,
With a hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
’Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,]
 
He's a really interesting character - he's kinda melancholy most of the time, but he's also hilarious
[’Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,
For the rain it raineth every day.]
 
I think Viola made a pretty convincing dude
[For the rain it raineth every day.
With a hey, ho, the wind and the rain,]
 
but she really didn't look like Sebastian
[With a hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
For the rain it raineth every day.]
 
Maybe everyone in this play had subpar eyesight
[But when I came, alas! to wive,
With a hey, ho, the wind and the rain,]
 
It kinda seems like Viola's the only character who DIDN'T fall in love with Olivia
[With a hey, ho, the wind and the rain, 
By swaggering could I never thrive,]
 
must be part of being played by Helena Bonham Carter
[By swaggering I could never thrive,
For the rain it raineth every day.]
 
This has been an Overly Sarcastic Production
