It's no exaggeration to say
the world has been on edge
ever since the United States
killed Qasem Soleimani,
Iranian general
and evil Sean Connery.
And everyone was wondering
how Iran would respond.
Well, last night, we found out.
NEWSMAN:
Overnight, Iran taking revenge,
launching a barrage of missiles
targeting
two U.S. military bases
and coalition troops in Iraq.
REPORTER 2: This, Iran said,
was its vengeance
for the U.S.'s killing
of its top general.
There were at least two waves
of attacks.
Then Iran's foreign minister
tweeted
his country was ready
to step back
if there was
no American counterattack.
REPORTER: And this morning,
no reports of U.S. coalition
or Iraqi casualties.
We've just heard from the Iraqi
prime minister's office
that they did indeed receive
notification from the Iranians
that there would be a strike.
That was a full five hours
and 45 minutes
before those missiles came in.
That's right. Last night,
Iran launched 15 missiles
at American forces in Iraq.
But in an interesting twist,
they killed no one, hurt no one
and gave the Iraqi bases
a six-hour heads-up,
which is a lot of warning.
It's almost like
they were sitting there, like,
"Let's give them
one-hour notice."
It's like, "But, sir, what if
they're watching The Irishman?"
"Okay.
"Six hours.
Give them six hours.
They need time."
(applause)
So, Iran fired 15 missiles,
gave one giant warning
and basically missed everything,
which most people agree means
that Iran wants this thing
to go away.
They wanted to respond
to-to the United States
in a way that would let them
keep their pride
but then also not in a way
that would escalate
this conflict into a war.
In fact,
in international diplomacy,
this type of action is known
as a "hold me back, bro."
And... and, clearly, it worked.
It clearly worked.
Because
after the missile attack,
President Trump
sent out a tweet saying,
"All is well."
Yeah. Which was hilarious,
because the tweet was composed
like Trump was writing a letter
from the front lines
of the Civil War.
-"My dearest Twitter,
-(fiddle playing)
"all is well!
"Missiles launched from Iraq.
"So far, so good.
"I hope to see you soon.
"Please kiss Ivanka for me
and not Eric.
"Sincerely, Donald.
"#MAGA
#ReadTheTranscript"
(cheering and applause)
So...
It seemed
like Iran was stepping down,
Trump was happy
with their decision
and, today, the president
addressed the nation
to give everybody an update.
And-- I'm not gonna lie--
the address started out
a little weird.
(shutters clicking)
As long as I'm president
of the United States,
Iran will never be allowed
to have
a nuclear weapon.
Good morning.
(laughter)
Okay. Okay.
I-Is it-- is it just me
or-or did Trump find a way
to make this national address
sound like the beginning
of an infomercial? Yeah?
"Iran will never have
nuclear weapons.
"Hi, I'm Donald Trump.
Tired of missile strikes
when you aren't even home?"
So, a really weird start.
But, fortunately, once Trump
got into the meat of his speech,
he reassured everybody that,
at least for the moment,
the beef with Iran
has been squashed.
Iran appears
to be standing down,
which is a good thing
for all parties concerned
and a very good thing
for the world.
The civilized world must send
a clear and unified message
to the Iranian regime:
your campaign of terror,
murder, mayhem
will not be "toler-ited"
any longer.
(sniffs) These historic
"accompliment-shades"
are strategic priorities.
(groans)
Whoa, what-what was that?
"Toler-ited"?
"Accompliment-shades"?
Trump's mouth
was missing more targets
than those Iranian missiles.
Just...
And, now--
and, now, personally...
(cheering, applause)
Personally, honestly,
I'm glad.
I'm glad that Iran and
Donald Trump seem to have agreed
to let things settle down.
Right?
'Cause Trump got
what he wanted--
kill the general and it
didn't escalate into anything.
This is a win for him.
But I pray,
I pray that Donald Trump doesn't
start watching Fox News again
anytime soon, because, for them,
all is not well.
They're gonna get hit hard.
Their hostility will now be met
with the full force
of the greatest, most advanced,
most sophisticated military
this world has ever seen.
This president will unleash
holy hell on that regime.
The mullahs only understand
one language,
and that's the language
of death.
Um, sadly. And if death is what
we have to give them
to stop this, then, sadly,
that's what we have to do.
Number one,
target not just the oil
but target the launch sites that
fired those 15 missiles today.
Ollie North is right. It's--
It-it is oil refineries,
oil infrastructure.
It is key missile sites.
It's nuclear development sites.
Throw in some ports,
key infrastructure
and, you know what,
why not a Quds headquarters,
uh, for-for good nature
on top of it.
What? "Throw in some ports
and infrastructure
while you're at it"?
This is wild.
This dude
is just adding bombing targets
like he's making impulse buys
at the register.
"You know what?
Throw in Chapstick and Snickers
"and a drone strike
at an airport,
'cause Daddy got paid!"
