WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT IS FRIDAY!
THE FRIDAY AUDIENCE.
THE FRIDAY EXCITEMENT.
THE FRIDAY ELECTRICITY.
YOU CANNOT FAKE THAT!
IT HAS BEEN A HUGE WEEK IN THE
DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY.
THERE WERE SOME BIG PRESIDENTIAL
DROP-OUTS THIS WEEK, INCLUDING
FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR MICHAEL
BLOOMBERG, SEEN HERE HUNTING
DOWN THE STAFFER WHO TOLD HIM
HE'D LOOK MORE RELATABLE IN THAT
SHIRT.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
BLOOMBERG SPENT A LOT OF MONEY
FOR VERY FEW VOTES, BUT HE DID
LEAVE A STRONG IMPRESSION ON ONE
VITAL NON-VOTING DEMOGRAPHIC:
KIDS WHO SAW HIS ADS ON
YOUTUBE.
ONE 13-YEAR-OLD INTERVIEWED BY
REPORTERS ESTIMATES HE HAS SEEN
"AT LEAST HUNDREDS" OF
BLOOMBERG'S ADS WHILE WATCHING
GAMING TUTORIALS.
THAT'S RIGHT: MICHAEL BLOOMBERG
PUT ADS ON GAMING TUTORIALS.
HIS TIPS: COLLECT AND SPEND
BILLIONS OF COINS, THEN
IMMEDIATELY DIE ON THE FIRST
LEVEL.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
 ( APPLAUSE )
AND IT MADE AN IMPRESSION.
I'LL GET THROUGH IT.
AND BLOOMBERG'S ADS WORKED.
ONE EIGHT-YEAR-OLD'S MOM SAID
"HER SON WAS INSPIRED BY
BLOOMBERG.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE WAS VERY
PASSIONATE ABOUT IT.
MIKE'S GOING TO DO ALL THESE
THINGS.
HE'S NOT GOING TO BUILD THE
WALL."
AND AFTER SUPER TUESDAY, THERE
ARE A LOT OF THINGS MIKE'S NOT
GOING TO DO.
BUT ONE PERSON STILL ABLE TO DO
SOME THINGS IS BERNIE SANDERS.
UP UNTIL NOW, SANDERS HAS BEEN
THE ONLY CANDIDATE WHO HAS NOT
RELEASED AN OBAMA AD.
BUT AFTER HIS LESS-THAN-SUPER
TUESDAY, BERNIE SANDERS DECIDED
TO EMBRACE THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
>> BERNIE IS SOMEONE WHO HAS THE
VIRTUE OF SAYING EXACTLY WHAT HE
BELIEVES-- GREAT AUTHENTICITY,
GREAT PASSION-- AND IS FEARLESS.
BERNIE SERVED ON THE VETERAN'S
COMMITTEE AND GOT BILLS DONE.
I THINK PEOPLE ARE READY FOR A
CALL TO ACTION.
THEY WANT HONEST LEADERSHIP
WHO CARES ABOUT THEM.
THEY WANT SOMEBODY WHO'S GOING
TO FIGHT FOR THEM!
AND THEY WILL FIND IT IN BERNIE.
THAT'S WHY I FEEL THE BERN!
>> I'M BERNIE SANDERS, AND I
APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
HE IS STRAIGHT UP STEALING
BIDEN'S WHOLE IDENTITY.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
WHAT'S NEXT?
 ( AS BERNIE )
"I'M BERNIE SANDERS, AND I HAVE
A MESSAGE FOR THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE.
NO MORE MALARKEY.
I WAS ARRESTED ON THE WAY TO SEE
NELSON MANDELA, AND I ONCE
FOUGHT A MARGINALIZED AFRICAN
AMERICAN CHILD NAMED CORN POP.
COME ON!
HORSEFEATHERS!
CRACKERJACK!
THIS IS WHAT YOU RUBES LIKE,
RIGHT?
COME ON!"
NOW, HERE'S THE RUB:  BERNIE
CHERRY-PICKED HIS QUOTES FOR
THAT AD, AND MANY OF THEM OMIT
IMPORTANT CONTEXT.
FOR EXAMPLE, THE "FEEL THE BERN"
QUOTE CAME FROM A SPEECH IN
WHICH OBAMA WAS ENDORSING
HILLARY CLINTON.
BERNIE'S FACED A LOT OF
CRITICISM FOR THIS AD, BUT HE
DOESN'T SEEM TO BE BACKING DOWN.
TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT HE JUST
RELEASED JUST TODAY.
>> TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TALK
ABOUT MY BROTHER, BERNIE
SANDERS, A.K.A., MY BEST FRIEND.
THIS IS AN EXTRAORDINARY MAN.
HE'S REVOLUTIONIZING BASKETBALL.
BERNIE SANDERS KILLED OSAMA BIN
LADEN.
♪ I...
SO IN LOVE WHERE YOU ♪
BERNIE SANDERS.
BERNIE SANDERS FOR PRESIDENT.
 ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT COULD HELP.
THAT COULD HELP.
THAT COULD PUSH HIM OVER THE
TOP.
THIS WEEK, WE FOUND OUT THAT
TRUMP'S GETTING HIS OWN POP-UP
ADS IN THE SKY, BECAUSE
THE PRESIDENT'S REELECTION
CAMPAIGN IS PLANNING TO FLY A
BLIMP ABOVE SWING STATES.
WOW.
A GIANT, SLOW-MOVING, DISASTER
WAITING TO HAPPEN IS GETTING HIS
OWN BLIMP!
 (  LAUGHTER  )
OF COURSE, HE MIGHT--
 ( APPLAUSE )
HE MIGHT...
OF COURSE, HE MIGHT BE USING THE
BLIMP JUST TO FLY AWAY FROM US
DISEASE-RIDDLED HUMANS, BECAUSE
WE'RE ALL WORRIED ABOUT THE
CORONAVIRUS.
THERE'S A LOT OF ANXIETY.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT
IN TONIGHT'S "GOIN' VIRAL."
>> I'M DATING THE
MUCINEX GUY.
>> Stephen: WE'RE SLOWLY
LEARNING MORE DETAILS ABOUT
THIS THING.
FOR INSTANCE, CHINESE SCIENTISTS
HAVE IDENTIFIED TWO STRAINS
OF THE CORONAVIRUS: ORIGINAL AND
EXTRA CRISPY.
ONE OF THE BIG PIECES OF ADVICE
TO COMBAT CORONAVIRUS IS DO NOT
TOUCH YOUR FACE.
BUT FOR ONE PUBLIC HEALTH
OFFICIAL IN CALIFORNIA, THAT WAS
EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
>> TODAY START WORKING ON NOT
TOUCHING YOUR FACE BECAUSE ONE
MAIN WAY VIRUSES SPREAD IS WHEN
YOU TOUCH YOUR OWN MOUTH, NOSE,
ORIZE.
 ( LAUGHTER )
 (  LAUGHTER  ).
>> Stephen: YES-- YES, PLEASE
DON'T TOUCH YOUR... MOUTH...
NOSE... OR EYES.
MY COLLEAGUE, DR. ROBINSON, CAN
EXPLAIN FURTHER.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
 ( APPLAUSE )
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE CORONAVIRUS IS ALSO HAVING A
HUGE EFFECT ON EDUCATION.
INCLUDING IN THE U.S.
THERE ARE NOW SCHOOL CLOSURES IN
22 COUNTRIES ON THREE
CONTINENTS, ADDING UP TO 290.5
MILLION STUDENTS WORLDWIDE.
SO MANY SCHOOLS ARE OFFERING
ONLINE CLASSES, INCLUDING
ONLINE PHYSICAL EDUCATION, WHERE
STUDENTS FOLLOW ALONG AS AN
INSTRUCTOR DEMONSTRATES PUSH-UPS
ONSCREEN.
AND TO GET THE FULL GYM CLASS
EXPERIENCE, THEY ALSO SEND
BULLIES TO YOUR HOUSE TO THROW
BALLED-UP WET PAPER TOWELS AT
YOU WHILE YOU TRY TO PEE.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
BUT NOT EVERYONE'S ACING
TELE-SCHOOL.
AROUND THE WORLD, GRANDPARENTS
ARE PITCHING IN FOR CHILDCARE.
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO HELPING THE
KIDS WITH THE ONLINE CLASSES,
THE GRANDPARENTS DO NOT ALWAYS
KNOW THE TECHNOLOGY.
 ( AS GRANDPARENT )
"LET'S SEE HERE.
IT SAYS HERE TO 'USE THE
ONE-TIME PASSCODE TO ACCESS THE
LEARNING PORTAL.'
OKAY.
HUH.
YOU KNOW WHAT, PUMPKIN?
HOW ABOUT WE DO SOMETHING WE
BOTH LIKE: TAKING OUR PUDDING
CUPS OUTSIDE AND YELLING AT THE
BIRDS.
DAMN BLUE JAYS!'"
HERE IN THE U.S., THE MAJORITY
OF THE CASES SEEM TO BE CENTERED
AROUND SEATTLE.
I GUESS IT WAS A BAD TIME FOR
STARBUCKS TO TEST-MARKET THEIR
NEW COFFEE TROUGH.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS, DEEPS HOT.
DESPITE THIS RISK, THE
ORGANIZERS OF NEXT WEEKEND'S
"EMERALD CITY COMICON" IN
SEATTLE SAY IT WILL GO ON AS
SCHEDULED.
BRINGING THOUSANDS OF NERDS
TOGETHER IN THE MIDDLE OF A
VIRAL OUTBREAK?
FORGET "DR. WHO."
I WANNA KNOW DR. WHY?
 (  LAUGHTER  )
COMICON'S NOT THE ONLY VENUE YOU
CAN STILL ATTEND DURING THE
OUTBREAK, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A
MEDICAL EXPERT, COMPARED TO
OTHER COMMUNAL AREAS, "THE GYM
IS NOT RISKIER."
COOL!
I CAN'T WAIT TO DEFINITELY
CONTINUE GOING TO THE GYM TO
PUMP MY IRONS AND SQUAT MY
THRUSTS.
I LOVE THE GRUNTING AND THE
SMELLS.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
COME ON, HEALTH EXPERTS!
STOP TELLING US TO AVOID FUN
PLACES LIKE CONCERTS AND
SPORTING EVENTS BUT SAYING,
"GYM'S ALL CLEAR!"
NEXT THEY'RE GOING TO SAY, "STAY
AWAY FROM PIZZA, BUT FEEL FREE
TO SWING BY THE BROCCOLI STORE."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
NOW SOME BUSINESSES-- NO ONE
ASKED FOR THIS.
 ( APPLAUSE )
I'M GLAD YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS.
I'M SO GLAD, MAKES ME HAPPY,
SMILING LITTLE BOY OVER THERE.
SOME BUSINESSES ARE BEING EXTRA
CAREFUL, PARTICULARLY TECH
COMPANIES.
TWITTER HAS TOLD ALL OF ITS
EMPLOYEES TO WORK AT HOME
BECAUSE OF THE CORONAVIRUS.
YES, IMPORTANT-- TWITTER DOES
NOT WANT TO CREATE A HARMFUL,
TOXIC ENVIRONMENT...
IN REAL LIFE.
EVEN TINDER IS TRYING TO HELP
FIGHT CORONAVIRUS.
THE DATING APP NOW HAS A POPUP
WARNING ABOUT THE DANGERS OF THE
HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS AND
POTENTIALLY DEADLY DISEASE.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE A SCREENSHOT
OF THAT WARNING.
"COVID-19 IS HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS.
PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS
THOROUGHLY BEFORE YOU AND A
STRANGER SMASH IN THIS
P.F. CHANG'S BATHROOM."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
LETTUCE WRAP, BABY.
>> Jon: EWWWW!
EWWWW!
NOE.
>> Stephen: P.F. CHANG?
I LIKE P.F. CHANG.
AMAZON IS ALSO TAKING
PRECAUTIONS.
THEY'VE TOLD THEIR SEATTLE
EMPLOYEES TO WORK FROM HOME ALL
MONTH.
AND IF YOU WORK ON AMAZON PRIME,
YOU GET SENT HOME THE NEXT DAY.
AND THERE'S ONE AMAZON EMPLOYEE
WHO CAN'T SELF-QUARANTINE, AND
SHE'S STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS
ABOUT THE VIRUS.
>> ALEXA, HOW TALL IS MOUNT
EVEREST?
>> WHO CARES?
I'LL NEVER SEE EVEREST BECAUSE
YOUR FILTHY CHILDREN WILL GIVE
ME CORONAVIRUS.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
NEIL deGRASSE TYSON IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.
