( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HA LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, ARE YOU IN FOR AN
ENORMOUS TREAT.
BECAUSE MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT
IS THE MY AND PEABODY
AWARD-WINNING HOST OF "LAST WEEK
TONIGHT," BUT HE'S BEST KNOWN AS
THE VOICE OF VANISH SMURF.
PLEASE WELCOME JOHN OLIVER.
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT.
>> YEAH?
>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT.
I LIKE THAT ASS SLIDE ACROSS THE
DESK.
>> IT WAS A LITTLE LIKE MICHAEL
J. FOX IN "BACK THE FUTURE,"
RIGHT?
OH!
>> Stephen: YES.
THAT WAS EITHER-- YOU WERE,
LIKE, EITHER STARSKY OR HUTCH
SLIDING ACROSS THE FRONT OF
THEIR CHARGER.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
I THINK I KNOW EXACTLY HOW THAT
LOOKED, AND IT'S AS AWKWARD AS
IT FELT.
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC.
>> I HAVE BUFFED YOUR DESK FOR
YOU.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH.
WELL, WELCOME BACK.
IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU, HOW
YOU BEEN?
>> FINE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HOW ARE YOU?
OH, OH, NOW THE QUESTIONER IS
THE QUESTIONEE?
>> Stephen: YOUR REACTION IS
AS IF I WAS PINNING YOU DOWN ON
SOMETHING, "FINE, WHAT HAVE YOU
HEARD?"
I HAVE BEEN HERE A WHILE, AND I
WAS REHEARSING BEFORE.
IT TURNS OUT RIGHT NOW, IT'S
ALMOST 6:00 WHEN RECORDING THIS,
NANCY PELOSI HAS BEEN ON THE
FLOOR OF THE HOUSE TALKING FOR
EIGHT HOURS.
>> WOW.
( APPLAUSE )
WAIT, I'M NOT-- I'M NOT SURE
DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW IF OR WHAT
YOU'RE APPLAUDING THERE.
"OH, SHE TALKED FOR SEVEN HOURS.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN ENDURANCE
EFFORT TO DO AND TO LISTEN TO,
TO SOME EXTENT."
YON IF ANYONE WANTS TO HEAR
NANCY PELOSI SPEAK ABOUT
ANYTHING FOR SEVEN HOURS.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> IF SHE READ THE HARRY POTTER
AUDIO BOOK, WE WOULD HAVE NO
MOVIES RIGHT NOW.
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
>> Stephen: IT'S FOR THE-- FOR
THE DREAMERS, TRYING TO FORCE A
DREAMER VOTE IN THE HOUSE RIGHT
NOW
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> SURE, I-- I-- IT'S ALL GOING
TO WORK.
IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.
BUT IT IS A VALIANT PUBLIC
EFFORT.
>> Stephen: YES.
NOW, YOU HAVE HEARD ABOUT THE
PRESIDENT'S REQUEST FOR A
PARADE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU NOT?
>> I HAVE INDEED HEARD THAT HE
WANTS THAT.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
YEAH.
>> I WILL SAY THIS-- IT WON'T
MAKE HIM HAPPY.
( LAUGHTER )
AND I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT THAT
HE KNOWS THAT.
WHATEVER THIS PRESIDENCY IS
ABOUT-- THE SEARCH FOR A LOST
FATHER'S LOVE, TRYING TO FILL A
VOID WITH SOMETHING TANGIBLE--
THAT PARADE IS GOING TO GO PAST
HIM AND HE'S GOING TO BE LIKE,
," THIS ISN'T IT, EITHER."
IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
>> THOSE PHALLIC MISSILES, "NO,
OKAY, IT MUST BE SOMETHING ELSE
THEN."
AND THAT, THAT IS WHEN WE'RE
REALLY (BLEEP).
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
WHAT IF WE FIRED ONE OF THOSE
MISSILES OFF.
>> MAYBE IT'S NOT FIRING AT
SOMEONE.
SURELY I CAN FILL THIS HOLE WITH
SOMETHING.
WHICH HE CAN'T.
HE'S AN EMOTIONAL VACUUM, AND
HE'LL DIE THAT WAY.
IF WE ACCEPTED THAT, WE'D ALL BE
HAPPY.
>> Stephen: INTERESTING,
INTERESTING, INTERESTING.
BUT YOU'RE STILL GIVING HIM A
CHANCE.
>> YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE HIM A
CHANCE.
THE PRED PEREZ AGAINST CHANGES
PEOPLE, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT?
THE SECOND YEAR.
THE SECOND YEAR REALLY SETTLES
PEOPLE DOWN.
THAT'S WHAT WE KNOW, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: YEAH, EXACTLY.
BAY OF PIGS WASN'T UNTIL THE
SECOND YEAR.
NOW, LISTEN, ENGLAND.
THEY HAVE MILITARY PARADES,
DON'T THEY?
ARE YOU USED TO THIS SORT OF
THING?
>> MILITARY PARADE?
WE USED TO-- WE HAD MILITARY
PARADES ACROSS INDIA.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT I DON'T --
>> Stephen: HE SAW THIS-- HE
SAW THIS PARADE IN FRANCE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND HE SAID, "I
WANT ONE LIKE THE ONE THE THEY H
IN FRANCE."
>> THAT'S WHAT WE TOOK AWAY FROM
THE FRANCE TRIP, THEIR AWESOME
MILITARY.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: HISS.
MEOW!
>> NOT TO THUMP ON ABOUT
HISTORY, BUT, ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T
MATTER.
THEY COULD HAVE PUT UP MORE OF A
FIGHT, IS WHAT I'M SAYING.
I THINK HISTORICALLY THEY COULD
HAVE FOUGHT BACK.
ANYWAY, I'M NOT HERE TO TALK
ABOUT THAT.
BUT I'M HAPPY TO.
IT'S AN ODD THING.
FOR A MAN WHO SEEMS INCURIOUS
ABOUT EVERYTHING, THAT REALLY
STUCK IN HIS HEAD, THAT FRENCH
PARADE.
HE OBVIOUSLY THOUGHT, "I WANT
ONE OF THOSE."
>> Stephen: WELL, I THINK THE
CEREMONIAL ASPECT OF BEING
PRESIDENT IS WHAT HE THOUGHT THE
ENTIRE JOB WAS.
>> I THINK THAT'S THE FAVORITE
PART OF THE JOB HE OTHERWISE HAS
NO INTEREST IN.
>> Stephen: HE THOUGHT THE
PRESIDENT WAS AN INFLATED
VERSION OF CUTTING A RIBBON AT A
STRIP MALL.
>> HE'S GOING TO WATCH THE ROYAL
WEDDING AND SAY, "I WANT ONE OF
THOSE."
SORRY, MELANIA, IT'S TIME.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF THE
ROYAL WEDDING, YOU'RE ENGLISH,
YOU MUST BE REALLY EXCITE BUILD
THE ROYAL WEDDING.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: COME ON!
>> REALLY?
>> Stephen: YOU'VE TO THE
EXWOT TO BE.
HE'S A BRIT.
HE'S MARRYING AN AMERICAN GIRL.
DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR HIM?
>> I WOULD NOT BLAME HER IF SHE
PULLED OUT OF THIS AT THE LAST
MINUTE.
I DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO HAVE
SEEN THE PILOT EPISODE" OF "THE
CROWN."
>> Stephen: BUT THIS
GENERATION SEEMS LIKE NICE
PEOPLE, RIGHT?
THEY'RE ALL NICE NOW, RIGHT?
>> YEAAAH.
I MEAN, THEY'RE AN EMOTIONALLY
STUNTED GROUP OF FUNDAMENTALLY
FLAWED PEOPLE DOING A VERY SILLY
PSEUDO-JOB.
THAT'S WHAT SHE'S MARRYING INTO.
SO I HOPE SHE LIKES IT.
IT'S GOING TO BE WEIRD FOR HER.
I WOULD NOT MARRY INTO THE ROYAL
FAMILY.
I'M A COMMONER.
I WOULD NOT BE WELCOME,
ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT I'VE JUST
SAID.
( LAUGHTER )
I'M GUESSING THE QUEEN-- THE
QUEEN-- IS PROBABLY SIT AGO.
>> Stephen: COULD GET A
KNIGHTHOOD.
>> THEORETICALLY I COULD.
SHE'S PROBABLY RIPPING THAT UP
AS WE SPEAK.
"THERE WE GO.
YOU LITTLE BASTARD, YOU'RE NOT
COMING NOW, ARE YOU?"
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU SEE
OTHERS-- WHEN YOU SEE OTHER,
LIKE, PERFORMERS OR COMEDIANS OR
SOMETHING, IF YOU SEE THEM GET A
KNIGHTHOOD, DO YOU GO (BLEEP)
ARE YOU DOING?
>> ACCEPTING IT?
>> Stephen: IF YOU SEE OTHER
PEOPLE WHO LIKE-- WHO, LIKE,
SATARRIZE POWER AND--
>> IT'S A LITTLE BIT-- IT'S JUST
WEIRD TO KNEEL IN FRONT OF
ANOTHER ADULT.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S-- IT'S ALL ODD.
I KNOW THAT HISTORICALLY YOU SEE
PEOPLE KNEELING DOWN AND KISSING
THE RING, BUT IT'S A BIT
STRANGE.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
>> IT'S AN ODD THING TO STILL
HAVE.
AND I LIKE ROYAL WEDDINGS AS
MUCH AS I LIKE ANY-- I ALSO LIKE
FIREWORKS.
IT'S A SPECTACLE.
IT'S SOMETHING NICE TO LOOK AT.
>> Stephen: PUT THEM BOTH
TOGETHER.
>> WELL THAT COULD BE THE
MOST...
>> Stephen: "KISS THE RING"
MEANS SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN
ENGLAND, DOESN'T IT?
( LAUGHTER )
I WAS TOLD THAT THAT MEANS
SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN ENGLAND.
YEAH.
>> OH!
>> Stephen: IS THAT NOT TRUE?
>> I THINK HISTORICALLY YOU USED
TO-- THE PRIME MINISTER, WHO
WOULD HAVE TO HAVE TEA WITH THE
KING EVERY WEEK, ONCE A WEEK,
WOULD HAVE TO END THAT TEA TIME
BY PUCKERING UP AND KISSING THE
KING ON HIS EXPOSED (BLEEP).
( LAUGHTER )
( LAUGHTER )
>> DO YOU THINK THAT'S GOT MY
INVITATION BACK?
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: MMM-HMMM.
THAT'S HIGH TEA.
THAT'S HIGH TEA.
>> THEY DON'T GET HIGH.
>> Stephen: TRUMP VERSUS
MUELLER, LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT
FOR A SECOND.
TRUMP SAYS, "OH, YEAH, I
DEFINITELY WANT TO TALK TO
MUELLER."
>> SURE HE DOES.
ACTUALLY, I DON'T DOUBT-- I
DON'T DOUBT THAT HE WANTS TO
TALK.
BUT HE IS GOING TO HAVE TO
PHYSICALLY GET THROUGH HIS
LAWYERS FIRST.
IF HE TALKS-- HE'S GOING TO HAVE
TO EAT HIS WAY THROUGH THEIR
HANDS OVER HIS MOUTH BECAUSE
THEY WILL TACKLE HIM TO THE
FLOOR BEFORE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH
IN FRONT OF HIM.
HE WOULD PERJUR HIMSELF BEFORE
HE FINISHED HIS NAME GLING HE
WOULD DO A GOOD JOB, AND I THINK
HE SHOULD DO IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> IF-- IF-- IF I CAN JUST
COSINE ON THAT.
I KNOW-- I KNOW I JOKE AROUND A
LOT, MR. PRESIDENT.
BUT I ALSO THINK YOU WOULD DO AN
EXCELLENT JOB.
( LAUGHTER )
AND I, TOO, THINK YOU SHOULD DO
IT.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
DO IT.
DO IT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, WE'VE GOT TO
TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK.
BUT DON'T GO AWAY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
JON OLIVER.
