♫ EPIC NEW FUS RO DAH INTRO MUSIC ♫
AARON: WELL! That party was reaaaally dumb.
Some pretty cool dubsteppin' going on but like, besides that....?
I mean, ONE DRINK?!
ONE.
DRINK.
EMRE: Usually it's a one drink *minimum*.
AARON: YEAH. They have a one drink *maximum* at that fucking party.
Those people have no tolerance.
EMRE: NONE.
AARON: Must be ELVES. High Elves have like, z...a half a drink and their totally off their ass.
EMRE: That was the ONE thing about the Lord of the Rings that bothered me.
Was when Legolas was able to fuckin' out drink Gimli.
T-That was a little stupid...anyways...
AARON: Elves apparently have magical livers.
EMRE [weezing]: Yeah!
AARON: Absorb ENDLESS amounts of alcohol.
EMRE: YEAH! I-It's, It's that magical organ that allows them to walk on fuckin' snow without...ya know, bothering it.
AARON: Fuck this! Time to get some drinks!
I'm gonna go to The Bannered Mare.
And, I'm gonna have...
More than *one* drink.
Alright! I need a drink!
What do ya got for me, honey?
SAM GUEVENNE: *YOU* look like somebody who can hold their liquor.
AARON: Excuse me?
SAM: How 'bout a *friendly contest* to win a staaaff...?
AARON: Ehhhh, are you suggesting that I participate in a drinking contest with you, Sam Guinevere?
HEHEHEHEE!
Wait a minute! It said G-GwenVEER up there, and it says GweVEEN right down here!
It was different! His name was different.
EMRE: NOOO. No, it wasn't.
AARON: No, it was! It was! Check this out.
SAM.
GUENVERE.
...Okay?
EMRE: WHAAAAT??
AARON: And yet, he's telling me his name is Sam GueVEEENNE.
Gwevin.
EMRE: SAM GUEVENNE?
AARON: Guenvere or Guenvenne? What is it?
SAM, IF THAT'S EVEN HIS REAL NAME: Maybeh yer juss arent' UP to the CHALLENGE...
AARON: Okay, I really do need a drink now. Let's do this.
EMRE: You need to drink until his name makes sense.
AARON: Yeah, exactly. I wonder how many more times it'll change.
A DRINKING CONTEST??
YOU don't stand a chance, my friend!
'Cause I can drink upwards of TWO beverages!
SAM: This is a *SPECIAL* brew...very strong stuff.
AARON: MMM!
SAM [oddly sinister]: Let's git started!
AARON: Alright.
SAM [now speaking over tribal drums]: I'll start round one...Down the hatch!
AARON: Oh! They've started the drums in the background. This *is* exciting.
SAM: Your turn!
AARON: Okay...
EMRE: You should find somebody to do body shots off of.
AARON: YEAAAAH! Let's do body shots off of Sam Guinevere!
SAM: One down, my friend! One down!
AARON: YEAAAAH! YEAH! THAT'S ENOUGH! CUT ME OFF!
SAM: And 'nother one for meeee...
AARON [laughing]: Cut me off! I've had too many!
ATTENTION SEEKING BARD: This is an ode to Skyrim's staunch protectors!
[NO ONE CARES]
AARON: Shuddup...
Good job, man!
EMRE: You missed it! W-What if he didn't even take that drink?!
AARON: Ahaaaohgawd, I'm so wasted! I'm not even paying attention.
A second drink...? Are you crazy?!
SAM: So says YOU!
I think I've hit my limit on these things...
AARON [skeptical]: REALLY.
SAM: Tell ya what...ONE more, and you win the contest.
AARON: O-Kaaay.
One more! No problemesh!
SAM: WOOOOOWWW. You've really done it!
AARON: Yes, I drank three b-beers.
EMRE: NICE.
AARON: Can you *believe* that shit?
UHHH. I'm lookin' for a thash grape? Do you have any?
Is that a kinda fruit?
EMRE: No, no. You don't understand. You're drunk and you're slurring your--
AARON: OH! I'm drunk? A-After three? I don't think so.
I...
I do a show called 'Beer and Board Games', Sam. So, I would *NEVER* be drunk after three beers.
SAM: HEEEY. You don't LOOK sooo GOOD...
EMRE: WELL, WHAT JUST HAPPENED??
AARON: I...don't know?
PRIESTESS SENNA: WAKE UP!!
AARON: The fuck...?
VERY, VERY ANGRY SENNA: That's right! It's take to wake up, you drunken blasphemer!
AARON: HOLY SHIT! That shit was poisoned!
EMRE: He slipped a roofie in your drinks!
AARON: He slipped a fuckin' roofie in my drink, Seena!
Senna!
UHMM. I'm sorry, Senna?
I don't remember how I got here, honey.
SENNA: OH. I'd *love* to help you figure it out.
AARON: I shouldn't call her honey. That's chauvinistic.
EMRE: It is.
AARON: I'm sorry.
SENNA: If you were to help tidy up and perhaps apologize afterwards...
I *might* be able to help you.
AARON: Tidy up?
Tidy up--WHOA.
Ohooho! What kinda temple is *this*?
YEAAAH. I'm gonna 'tidy up' right here.
For about five minutes.
Uhhh, Emre? Can you excuse me for a minute?
EMRE: NO. I'm not leaving the room *again*.
AARON: AWHHH, come on-
EMRE: I know what you *do* when I leave.
EMRE [firmly]:NO.
AARON [quietly]: Shiiit...
I gotta clean this place up so, uhmmm, like...what does she mean? Just like, throw some stuff around on the floor?
[FUUUUS!!]
EMRE: There ya go!
AARON: That what you're lookin' for, Senna?
Sooo, uhhh, you remember if I said anything when I got here? Did I say anything about like, my pants being removed...my anus, being touched?
...In ways that I didn't want?
SENNA: You did say something about Rorikstead.
Maybe you should take a look *there*?
AARON: Alright, well, I apologized.
I'm outta here.
I *know* that guy...roofied me.
And had his way with me...
EMRE THE VICTIM BLAMER: You can't totally blame him, though. You're not *blameless* because you *definitely* looked away, you know...
AARON: Y-Yeah, that's true--
EMRE: ALWAYS keep your eye on your drinks!
AARON: I know, that was stupid, but the guy was singing! Maybe he paid that stupid musician to sing like CRAP as a distraction.
EMRE: That guy's pretty smooth, then. Ya know? I give him props.
Get one passed Ole Aaron.
AARON: Yeaaah. He got one *passed me*.
Oh! Check it out.
Cabbage.
Umm. I have a cabbage to sell?
RELDITH: Honest pay for honest work.
AARON: Yeaaah, absolutely. It was *very* honest.
Since I just took it from...
EMRE: FROM YOU.
[THE BOYS HAVE A GIGGLE OVER PETTY THEFT]
EXTREMELY BRITISH ENNIS: WHAT DO YA HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!
AARON: EHHHHH? I'm sorry I stole your cabbage?
ENNIS: SORRY'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
Not while my Gleda is still out there--Alone and afraid!
You kidnapped her and sold her to a giant!
EMRE:...What?
AARON: Assaulted a giant?
Uh. Whatever you said, it sounds awful.
ENNIS: You're DAMN right it does!
AARON: Yeah.
ENNIS: I'll *NEVER* breed another prize winning goat like Gleda!
EMRE: DUDE. You stole a goat and sold it to a giant.
AARON: WELL. Of course, I did.
That's what happens when you get roofied.
You *immediately* go find goats and sell them to giants.
I-I've had it happen to me...in real life.
Tell me everything and you won't end up like your goat!
ENNIS: OKAY, OKAY!
EMRE: Errrr, okay.
AARON: I don't *wanna* go to Whiterun.
EMRE: You were *just* there!
AARON: Yeah!
EMRE: That sucks...
AARON: This is stupid.
Alright, chicken. You can have this cabbage, mate. If you sell it to that lady over there...?
She'll give you a bunch of money for it.
Yeah. You go get her and tell her there's some cabbage you've harvested.
Myyyy pleasure!
EMRE: That chicken's gonna be the *COCK* of the *WALK*.
AARON: The cock of the WALK...
EMRE: Yeah?
AARON: I don't think that's a phrase.
EMRE: It is a phrase.
AARON: You just made that up.
EMRE: It is a phrase!
AARON: It's *not* a phrase.
EMRE: TOTALLY is a phrase!
EMRE: COCK OF THE WALK.
AARON: I *think* you meant the walk and the talk.
EMRE: He's, no--What?
AARON: Boy! Getting drunk was a really bad idea--as it turns out.
Now, I think I'm learning a lesson.
YSOLDA: So, you're *finally* back.
Look, I've been patient but you *still* owe me...
AARON: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh...
What?
YSOLDA: Aw, what's wrong? Did the engagement fall through?
Look. How about we call it even?
As long as you bring back the wedding ring?
AARON [suddenly a bastard man]: I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE RING! TELL ME WHAT ELSE I SAID!
YSOLDA: Alright, alright! You're mean when you're sober...
AARON: YOU BETTER!
YSOLDA: You said the ceremony was going to be in Morvunskar.
You said your friend SAM was going to be your best man.
AARON: Oh! Well, that's nice.
EMRE: You know what I find interesting? Is the fact that you were *so* shit-faced that you did ALL this crazy stuff...
And yet, nobody noticed that you were drunk.
Cuz they're all TOTALLY surprised...that you don't remember any of that stuff.
AARON: YEAH! So apparently, whatever I drank, it made me...
Act totally normal.
And, no one...
You know, no one thought my behavior was *weird*.
EMRE [overly zealous] : HOLY SHIT! THAT SPELL KILLED A MUDCRAB IN *ONE HIT*!
AARON: YEAH! That's gonna be a good spell.
Alright, I guess I'm gonna look for Sam up here and, uhhhhhhhhhhh...
Try to find out what happened.
SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaam?
Hey, have you seen Sam?
Nevermind.
HAH-AH-HAH. You might not wanna go through those flames!
They're, eh, the trap that you set off!
[INCINERATED IDIOTS ARE HILARIOUS]
Nice job, uh...Thanks for killing yourself off with your own trap there, people.
They're like, 'Ahhhh, somebody invaded our castle! Quick! To the trap!'
'W-Wait, should we go through our own trap??'
'YAS! That's what it's there for!!'
EMRE [joining in as dummy bandit]: YER THINKIN' TOO MUCH! JUST DEW IT!
AARON: GOOOOaaahahaha--
EMRE: Good old fashioned henchmen.
EMRE: WOOOOOOW.
AARON: WOW. Now that shows the *true* power of that spell.
That was AWESOME.
She wasn't even *near* it.
She just *looked at it wrong*.
EMRE: It's too bad you killed those people before asking where Sam was. They might have answered.
AARON: I don't think so. These people are usually not very friendly. I've tied to recruit them to go to Magic College in the past, and they just get really angry...
They're like, 'TO *THAT* BORING PLACE?! I WOULD *NEVER* GO TO SCHOOL THERE!'
EMRE [as dumb anti-college bandit brat]: 'Do yew have AAANY idea what tuition costs?!'
'College is just a BIG SCAAAAM!'
'I don't wanna be in DEBT for the rest of maah LIFE!'
AARON: 'Aaaand I don't wanna listen to dipshits blather on for HOURS and HOURS about stuff that I can learn in *two seconds*--'
EMRE: 'ON THE INTERNET!!'
AARON [dissolving into laughter]: On the internet!
HellOOOh?
Hallooh?
DISTANT VOICE: OVER HERE!!
AARON: Over here? Okay, I'm coming!
Yeah, you like that?
Whoa! What the Hell is happening?
Whoa! Hey, uhh, you should come and use this trap over here.
There ya go! Come on over. No, it's fun!
EMRE: Huh.
AARON: Merida's Bacon?
EMRE: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
AARON: Wow! I'll take a slice o' that!
EMRE: Looks like a kidney stone.
AARON: Won't be able to eat for days.
DISEMBODIED LADY VOICE: A new HAAAAND touches the BEEAACON...
AARON: Excuse me?
Uh, can you wait a second? I'm busy.
ANGRY DISEMBODIED LADY VOICE: LISTEN!!
HEAR ME AND OBEY!!
AARON: Uh, um, I-I gotta collect these troll skulls--
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: DARKNESS HAS SEEPED INTO MY TEMPLE!
AARON: What?
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: A *DARKNESS* THAT YOU *WILL* DESTROY!
AARON: Okay! I'll be right back!
NAGGING MYSTERIOUS VOICE: RETURN MAH  BEACON--
AARON: SHUDDUP! I'm collecting skulls!
I'm gonna go to Misty Grove.
Heeeelloo?
W-Why did...You invited me here? What's...happening?
Anybody?
WHOOOOOOA! A PARTY!
[EMRE GASPS]
AARON: FINALLY!
EMRE: OHH, YES!
So...
This is great, because getting *drunk* lead to like a crazy adventure and then *another* party.
Wow.
EMRE [so full of bad advice]: You should *ALWAYS* accept drinking contests from strangers.
AARON: Absolutely!
EMRE: That's the moral of today's Skyrim for Pimps.
ARRON: *THAT* is the lesson we learned!
Heeeeey, this looks like fun! Hey! How are you guys enjoyin' your food?
COMMONER: Neeed something?
AARON: No.
COMMONER: Hi.
AARON: Hai.
COMMONER: Hi.
AARON: HAI.
COMMONER: HMMM?
AARON [this is riveting, folks]: Hai.
No.
COMMONER: Hmph.
AARON: HMM?! What's that supposed to mean?!
[FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS RO DAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!]
YEAH! HOW DO YA LIKE THAT?!
COMMONER:...Yeah?
Oh, my God! These guys are all, like, duplicates--What the HELL??
EMRE: THEY'RE. ALL. THE SAME. PERSON.
AARON: OhMyGod. They're all the same person. What the FfffUCK?
Okay...
EMRE: This is the *weirdest* party I've ever been to.
AARON: Did I have *three* drinks again and just not realize it?
I-I had quite a trip.
Whaaaat the *fuck* is happening?
SAM: I *thought* you might not remember your *first* trip here.
You had a BIG night.
I think you've *DEFINITELY* earned the staff.
EMRE: HUH???
AARON: Uhh...
̶S̶A̶M̶  SANGUINE: I haven't been so entertained in at least a hundred years!
AARON: Alright, well. Thank you, Darth Maul.
Why did you choose *meeee*...?
SANGUINE [with the slurred tone of every drunken uncle]: Leeet's be honest here--
AARON: Are you drunk?
SANGUINE: I don't ALWAYS think mah decisions throuuugh.
AARON [not so enthused]: I'm glad I could entertain you.
SANGUINE: MY PLEASURE.
Buuuut, I think it's time fer you to goooo...
AARON: Holy shit! I'm right back where I started!
Except now I'm carrying too much to be able to run.
EMRE: WELL, *that* was interesting!
AARON: Heeeey, Ysolda! How's it goin'?
Hey, Ysolda. I'm sorry I was so rude to you the other day.
YSOLDA: Is *that* an Amulet of Maaraaa?
I'm surprised someone like *YOU* isn't spoken for.
AARON: Interested in me, ARE YOU?
...Have I turned into Yoda suddenly?
YSOLDA, A MASOCHIST: Well, YES! Why wouldn't I be??
Are you...
Interested in me?
AARON: Why, YES, Ysolda. *I AM*.
YSOLDA: It's settled then!
Brief as life can be in Skryim, at least we'll have each other!
AARON: Yeah!
Uhh.
I-I guess I have had *one* conversation with you, so...
This, uh...This will be good, right?
EMRE: It's funny, I mean...Your interactions with her consisted of you being COMPLETELY hammered--
And then, the next morning, INTIMIDATING her into telling you information.
And then, the very next day, proposing to her.
AARON: Well, she LOVES--She LOVES that.
EMRE: Mmyeah.
AARON: She loves a good man who intimidates information--Whoa!
That guy was *not* excited about the wedding, apparently.
♫
AARON: Every time I come back here, Brelyna and I...you know, see each other in the hallway? It's kinda awkward.
I'm just someone that she used to know, you know what I mean?
EMRE: You didn't have to cut her off.
Make out like it never happened? That you were nothing?
AARON: I didn't have to stoop so low.
EMRE: Now you're just some *asshole* that she used to know.
AARON: Exactly.
[GTA Random Citizen: Yeeeeaaah! BOI, BOI! HaHa! DOPE!]
