 
Tongue Tied

By Samie Sands

Copyright 2020 Samie Sands

Published by Samie Sands at Smashwords

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Prologue

A boiling hot, bitter-tasting rage bubbled in my stomach. My throat burned, my lips tingled, my intestines coiled painfully around my lungs squeezing all the air out of them as my mind tumbled back over everything that just happened.

How did I let things get so bad?

All I wanted to do was scream and shout, to let out some of the frustration which left me breathless, but I didn't have the energy. I was emotionally drained like I didn't have anything left to offer the world. It took everything I had just to keep on going. Even my eyelids felt dangerously heavy.

I pulled the car to a halt at traffic lights and tapped noisily against the steering wheel while I waited impatiently. My brain darted everywhere, even if I wanted to contain my thoughts I couldn't, the anger rolled through me in waves, swallowing up all my organs in the process.

I couldn't work out exactly what I'd done to lead myself down such an unpleasant path, I wished desperately I could pinpoint the moment, unravel it, and try again, but one thing was clear. What I really needed was a fresh start...

Then, three things happened all at once: my mobile phone blasted out its obnoxious ringtone, the light flickered onto green, and as my foot slammed down onto the accelerator a deep bright flash appeared from nowhere.

What the...?

I couldn't resist turning my head to find out what the seemingly inhuman glow indicated, but before my neck could make one full spin a shocking sensation slammed into my right-hand side.

The noise came after. The deafening crush exploded my eardrums ensuring I'd never hear anything ever again. As my brain shattered I felt oddly calm. The emotions seeped from me, leaving me with nothing but numbness. It was the end and weirdly I just didn't care. It was good to have nothing left to worry about.

I suppose, in a dark and twisted way, it solved all my problems.

The pain was ice-cold, then burning, after which my entire body lit on fire as I cascaded through the car, bumping into parts of it I'd never touched before. My rag doll body flopped like it had no bones, and soon I figured it probably wouldn't.

I wasn't sure where I landed, but the moment I stopped moving the world became a pinhole. A circle filled my vision and it grew smaller and smaller as a deep blackness came for me.

Within that darkness, there was only one face. Dark, curly hair, deep hazel eyes, an olive-coloured skin so soft I desperately wanted to reach out and touch it. The only person who ever made me happy, and now I'd never get to see him again

I'm sorry, Scott, I'll miss you.

I've always loved only you.

One

September 2010

Oh, my goodness.

My heart stopped dead as I spotted him across the sticky, slightly smelly student bar on my first night out in this strange new world. I wasn't sure what it was exactly, but I got the sense he was important. The words 'he's different' actually went through my mind the moment I clocked him. Something powerful shifted within me as if life would never be the same again.

How little I knew.

He wasn't even looking at me then, he burst into laughter at something one of his friends said while running his fingers through that lovely, curly hair of his, but it didn't matter. I couldn't seem to drag my eyes away however hard I tried. The powerful magnet was already there between us.

"Carlie? Are you listening to me?"

I jolted from my transfixed state, my attention grabbed by my brand-new friend, Natalie. I turned quickly to focus on her instead, I needed her to like me if we were going to live together for the next three years, so I didn't particularly want to start off on the wrong foot. I'd left all my old friends back in Cornwall yesterday, and I had to make some new ones if I wanted to survive uni life in Bristol.

"Oh, sorry, it's erm...quite loud in here." My cheeks flamed as the lie fell out my lips. I didn't know this girl well enough yet to tell her I'd seen a guy I liked. "What did you say?"

She flipped her long, blonde hair over her shoulder and pressed a defiant hand on her hip. For an eighteen-year-old, she sure had a lot of confidence, unlike anyone I'd ever met before. I hoped during our time together some would rub off on me.

"I said would you like another drink? This one's nearly done." She slurped the rest of her bright blue alcopop—through a straw so it wouldn't stain her teeth—and nodded in the direction of the big, balling crowd.

I couldn't resist, I shot one last, lingering look to where the gorgeous boy had been only moments before, to find a huge, empty space. No point in sticking around then."Yeah, come on. I'll buy this one."

I would've politely waited at the back of the queue until it was my turn, but as it turned out Natalie had other ideas. She ducked, she shoved, she darted until she got as near to the front as she could manage, all with me in tow.

"I can't believe you did that." I giggled feeling a little light-headed, full of hysteria. It might not have been much, but I never did anything wrong and it felt unexpectedly exhilarating. "That was crazy."

"Oh well, I hate waiting." Natalie shrugged in a blasé manner as if she shouldn't ever be expected to queue for anything. "And almost everyone is drunk already, so none of them really noticed us."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right."

As I stood at my parent's car this morning, waving them off with promises I would look after myself, anxiety consumed me. As far as I was concerned, my English course was only a small part of what university would offer me, and it was the bit I felt least afraid of. Putting myself out there, meeting new people, experiencing new walks of life...for a small-town girl, I couldn't stop being scared.

But with Natalie by my side, guiding me through it I'd be okay.

"Oof," I cried out as someone slammed into my back. Unfortunately, that one action created a domino effect and I bumped into the person in front of me as well. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean..."

"My fault," a smooth male voice called over my shoulder. The heat of another body covered me, as if the words 'personal space' meant nothing at all. I stiffened, the panic flooded back. "My idiot friend pushed me, being stupid, and I fell."

"You're all idiots," Natalie half-yelled. "What the hell are you playing at?"

I could feel an argument brewing around me, like an unstoppable storm cloud forming above my head. Not that it bothered me too much, something had me distracted. Just a couple of inches to the left an intense sizzling heat came from him. Despite all the odds being stacked against us, even though there were hundreds of people in the bar, fate intervened and I stood next to the guy who made me feel things I didn't even know were possible. I wasn't sure how, but I knew it was him before I even turned.

This time, he looked right back at me.

His hazel eyes bore into my soul, twisting my stomach up in knots. My heart darted and danced all over my chest and my breaths came out ragged. I probably looked like an insane person. I had no doubt this wonderful, beautiful, perfect boy thought I was mental, but I couldn't seem to reel myself in. With him close to me, I fell apart.

"Are you okay?" he asked me in a voice so chocolatey sweet I became a puddle at his feet. "Are you hurt?"

"I...I..." What the hell was wrong with me? I'd heard the expression 'tongue-tied' before but I hadn't ever experienced it. I couldn't seem to get my mouth to work in the way it normally did.

Okay, so I wasn't great with guys, I didn't have the best track record ever, but this had to be the worst introduction of all time. There were so many things I wanted to say, so many ways I wanted to be reinvented as the 'cool girl', but it seemed I'd never be able to shake off scared, insecure, mousy Carlie Jaymeson however hard I tried.

"I think you need a drink." He smiled down at me, making me feel more petite than I actually was. "I mean, that's why you're at the bar, right?"

Somehow, as he tossed his head back and laughed with pure mirth at his own non-joke, I felt my tongue loosen. "Well, I wouldn't stand in this pointless queue for nothing," I managed with a surprising bit of spark.

"Let me sort that for you."

I wanted to scream with joy as he ordered my drink. That was amazing, wasn't it? A gorgeous guy had offered to buy me a drink. There were lots of girls here but he chose me. I wasn't quite sure what that meant, but surely it was a good thing? I could just see the story unfolding now; me, meeting the love of my life and the father of my children on my first night at university, an incredible love story, one worthy of a movie, beginning today. I wasn't usually a big romantic, and I certainly wasn't in any hurry to get hitched and pop out a couple of sprogs, but there was something about this one...

He was different.

"The name's Scott, by the way." He gave me the most adorable cheeky grin as he handed me my blue bottle, showing me the most amazing set of dimples I'd ever seen. "Scott Albert."

"Hmm." I pursed my lips and teased him playfully. "My mum always warned me never to trust a boy with two first names."

"Well mine always told me to stay away from girls with eyes that match the sky, but here I am, talking to you."

That was flirting...wasn't it? It felt like a flirty comment and it made my pulse rate kick up another notch. I could barely manage a smile in return because so many sensations flooded me from that one silly remark. My eyes had never been complimented before, and it was delicious.

"Well, I'm Carlie Jaymeson...make of that what you will."

I stared, defying him to mock me. The look I got back sent a powerful shiver racing down my spine. It was a sensation I wanted to cling onto forever.

"Come on," he ignored my challenge completely. "Let's go play some pool."

I gently touched Natalie's arm and told her what I was up to, but in all honesty, she didn't seem too bothered. Her argument had turned into a heated debate with an undertone of sexual frustration. She was just fine.

"So, is your friend always so...shouty?" He shot me a dazzling grin as he set up the game. "If so, she's going to get you in lots of trouble."

"Well, if I'm honest, I only met her a few hours ago so I don't really know." I felt a swell of loyalty towards Natalie. I certainly had no intention of trash-talking her."But I'm sure she'll be just as much fun as she is trouble."

"Ah, so you're a first year,"he declared with a tone of superiority which crushed me somewhat. I wasn't sure why, but I didn't want him to be older than me. I wanted to surround myself with people going through this life-changing experience at the same pace. It was irrational, but I couldn't help my emotions. "Good, because so am I." He smirked as if we were sharing a secret. "But I don't know if I like the guys I'm living with yet. They're just so different to me."

"That's why we're here, isn't it? To meet people unlike ourselves." I sounded surprisingly wise, which I liked. "I'm sure you'll be fine."

"And if I don't, I'll always have you."

My heart leapt with joy, instantly a tight bond knotted around us. With those few sweet words he claimed me, and I really wanted to be claimed by Scott.

"You're doing drama as well, aren't you?" he chanced. For a spilt-second, I actually regretted not harbouring a deep dream to star in movies, even though that'd never be me.

"I'm afraid not, I've never been good at acting, singing, or dancing. It's English for me. The written word is about all I'm good for."

"So, you're the one I come to when I'm crying over every single essay. Good to know."

I had no idea how it was going to pan out, I didn't know if this would be just a fleeting meeting never to be repeated, or if we'd form something long lasting but I really wanted it to be the latter. He warmed me up, he made me feel special, I wanted to keep the heady, spinning head all the time.

"Yep, I think so. I mean, I might not be able to help you with your work but I'll always have tea bags if that helps."

A fire lit in my belly as he moved so close to me it felt like something might happen. I breathed so deeply my chest rose and fell rapidly.

"I'll have to walk you back to your room tonight, so I know where it is. Any girl who knows how to make a good cuppa is one I need to keep around."

"Yes."Walk me to my room, what did that mean? "Of course. Wouldn't want to leave you caffeine free now, would we?"

And from that moment on, Carlie and Scott were born.

Two

November 2010

I took to English better than I thought I would. I assumed I'd like it because I adored reading and creative writing, but I didn't expect to be so good at it. I naturally took to all the challenges asked of us without really thinking too much about it. I loved the heated debates taking place in the classroom too, it was awesome to have a place where free-thinking was actively encouraged. Along with it, I could feel myself becoming a more well-rounded person with an open mind.

I was a little bit proud of myself. It proved I could cope with life away from home, that I was capable of making something of myself. I didn't totally know which direction I wanted my life to take after all of this, but the future no longer felt like a terrifying black cloud looming over my shoulders.

"I'm so jealous of you," Natalie commented grumpily as she watched me type away frantically on my laptop. "You look like you actually enjoy writing essays."

"Oh, well." I blushed and shrugged noncommittally. "That's probably because I do."

Natalie rolled her eyes and pushed her own computer off her lap. "I can't stand it, it isn't fair. I hate writing about geothermal activity. I don't mind the course, but I hate the writing. How can you just...argh!" She threw her hands above her head angrily. "I'm going to make a cuppa; do you want one?"

"Yeah, a tea would be lovely actually..."

My phone bleeped loudly. I pulled it out from where it'd slid under my leg and smiled as Scott's name filled the screen. The secret crush I harboured for him was a delicious thrill I kept firmly to myself.

'Carlie, help me. I need you, come to the canteen.'

Without even thinking about it, I clapped my laptop closed. I wouldn't interrupt my flow for anyone else in the world, but Scott. He was worth it.

'Sure, be right there. Get me a coffee.'

"Don't worry about the drink," I called out to Natalie in the kitchen. "I'm off out. I, erm, I need to go to the library. I'll see you in a bit."

I hadn't told her anything about my constantly developing feelings for Scott because I didn't want it to get awkward when we were around him, but I also didn't naïvely think I acted discretely enough for her to not know. Normally, Natalie had eagle-eyes for gossip, so I had to race out the room quickly before she spotted the moony look in my eyes. If she sensed me thinking about anything other than work, she'd leap down my throat.

Once one of us was brave enough to hitch things up to the next level, I'd tell Natalie everything. It'd come soon, I was sure of it. It was all a matter of timing. Whenever I was with Scott I could feel something crackling between us, coming both ways, which proved he liked me too...right?

I kept my eyes fixed on the ground as I practically ran across campus to see him. I didn't want anyone else to stop me in my tracks.Excitement burst through my veins, I just couldn't wait to see Scott's face again. It'd been twenty-four hours and it felt like a lifetime. The buzzing in my chest grew more powerful with every passing step.

Once inside the canteen, I scanned my eyes rapidly and almost instantly the magnetic force I always felt around Scott drew me in. He sat in the corner, hunched over a textbook, with a bright green tee shirt on and messy hair which really needed a brush.

My heart literally skipped a beat. This crush was getting out of control.

"Hey, Scott." I dumped my bag on the chair next to him hard enough to drag his eyes up from the page his eyes intently fixed upon. "This better be important, you dragged me away from a fun day writing for this."

I sat close to him, allowing my arm to brush against his. A prickle of electricity shot over my skin making me shiver.

"Oh, you know me, it's super important." He gave me a cheeky smile as he passed me my coffee. "I need your advice."

"Sure, what about?"

Innocently, I took a sip of my drink while I flicked my eyes over the book in his hands. I assumed this was coursework-related, there were no signs it'd be anything else. This meant the next word came out of his mouth stunned me to my core.

"Freya."

I stopped breathing.

My heart froze.

Freya Matthews.

This had to be about her. The girl was everything; beautiful, smart, and funny to boot. It was utterly unfair how perfect she seemed. She was like one of those fantasy girls all the guys wanted, only she was accessible enough for them to actually attain her. Everyone seemed obsessed with her...I just didn't include Scott in that. Why on Earth did he want to talk about her now? This had to be a nightmare.

"Erm, yeah?" I tried to remain normal but the tremors in my brain were too loud for me to focus. It was almost at a level where I couldn't hear anything else. "What's going on?"

"Well, I've been told she likes me." Scott leaned back in his seat and patted his chin thoughtfully. "And I don't know what to do about it?"

"What? I mean, why?"

I cursed myself for being so foolish, but normality had evaded me. Everyone wanted Freya Matthews to like them, Scott would be stupid to turn her down.

Oh god, please turn her down. Please, look into my eyes and see I want you. Please want me more than her.

But there was no way I could compete with the likes of Freya Matthews. She was wonderful, she had the body of a model, whereas I had more of a plain look. My sky-blue eyes were okay I suppose, but my brown dull hair toned everything down. My curvy hips were nowhere near her level of impressive...and that was about all I had to offer. Who the hell would choose me?

"Why?" Scott laughed. "Why wouldn't she love me? Look at me, I'm amazing."

"Oh right." I gulped and nodded. "And what do you think about that? About her?"

"Well, it's a boost." His smirk shattered all my bones into a million pieces. "She's gorgeous, right? She could have anyone. I guess it feels nice she wants me."

I searched his face desperately, but I couldn't seem to find anything like what I was looking for. Maybe because he seemed to be giving me a similar stare.

"Erm, yeah it's awesome." I needed to say something. "She's very pretty. So, what are you gonna do? Do you think you might ask her out?"

"You think I should?"

Damn it, why wouldn't he just give me a straight answer? I needed to put an end to this conversation before it crushed me.

"Yeah, why wouldn't you? Everyone wants her and she wants you. Makes you a total stud."

Tick, tick, tick...

I could almost hear the seconds ticking by they were that loud. Scott's eye fixed firmly on mine so I couldn't drag my gaze away either. Maybe it was the right moment to tell him how I felt, to put myself on the table as an option, but I didn't want our friendship to crash and burn if he didn't feel the same way.

Having Scott in my life, even if it wasn't exactly how I wanted, was better than not having him at all.

"Yeah, maybe I will." He finally put me out my misery. Or deeper into it as the case may be. "We'll see."

Does 'we'll see' mean yes or no? That was far too evasive for me, but the nasty taste pooling under my tongue meant I couldn't bring myself to speak. Instead, I waited for my body to cool down to a normal temperature while I listened to Scott seamlessly change the subject to some themed night out his course mates wanted him to attend.

"It should be fun, right? 'School's Out' theme. You should totally come along."

"Wrong time of year, isn't it?" I allowed a bit too much bitterness to come out. "It isn't even the Christmas break yet."

"It's not like an end of year thing." Scott stuck his tongue out goofily. "It's just so everyone will dress up in school uniforms and drink lesson-themed cocktails."

"Haven't we all just escaped school?" Why couldn't I stop myself from arguing with him about something so pointless? "Why would anyone want to go back?"

"We won't dress up like we're actually in school, we'll just wear uniforms in a sexy way. It'll be fun, trust me. Get Natalie to help dress you. She'll get it."

"Yeah, sure, whatever." My voice sounded completely monotone. I couldn't do this anymore so I grabbed my bag and pushed my half-empty coffee away. "Anyway, I better get back. Like I said, I've got all sorts of writing to do."

"Aw, but I thought we could hang out this afternoon?" Scott's puppy dog eyes nearly killed me. "I feel like I haven't seen you properly for ages."

The temptation was there, tugging in my chest, but I couldn't give in. Not when my heart span so violently. I needed to sleep, eat, then maybe cry. Standard heartbreak reaction.

"Maybe tomorrow. See you later."

As I spun on my heels, tears pricked my eyes. It wasn't fair, I hated the fact someone as perfect as Freya had decided to claim my Scott. What happened to 'girl code', didn't that apply when you had a crush so huge the whole world could see it? Wasn't there anything I could do?

Apart from speaking to Freya or telling Scott the truth about my feelings, obviously, I was stuck. That was far too intimidating a prospect. But if I wasn't going to be vocal then I didn't have any choice but to accept it, did I? And there wasn't anyone I could blame but myself.

"That was quick." Natalie looked shocked as I burst through the door only moments later. "Did you get what you needed from the library?"

Oh, the library! I almost forgot my little white lie in all the inner turmoil.

"Oh, no I didn't quite make it." All the energy zapped from me. I couldn't keep it up any longer. "I bumped into Scott along the way. He was talking about..." No, I couldn't tell her about Freya, not yet. Not until I had my own head wrapped around it. "Some ill-timed 'School's Out' party."

"Ooh yeah, I heard about that." Natalie's eyes lit up in a way I wasn't keen on. "It's Friday, right? We should totally go, it looks like it'll be lots of fun. Everyone from my class is going, and the drama lot too. We all know how wild they can be."

All too well. It was the drama lot, and Scott,I wanted to avoid!

"Really? Do we have to?" I screwed up my nose and did my best to look grossed out by the plan, but Natalie didn't even glance my way.

"Yes! We can wear white shirts and black miniskirts. Maybe we should even go into town to get those costume tie things. Ooh, and you'll look totally cute with bunches in your hair."

Urgh, she was on a roll. It looked like I was being roped into this party whether I wanted to go or not. Chances were Freya would be there too and I'd have the opportunity to admire the happy new couple. The couple who'd undoubtedly be the talk of the campus.

Lucky, lucky me!
Three

November 2010

I glanced down at my poor excuse for a fancy-dress outfit hating myself for agreeing to come to this stupid night. Why didn't I just tell Natalie I wasn't in the mood? I could've so easily gotten away with it using just a few choice excuses. I wouldn't be forced to don these ill-fitting knee-high boots Natalie thrust upon me, I wouldn't have to keep pulling down the short tartan skirt, and I'd be in my lovely, warm pyjama top rather than a shirt buttoned far too low.

Urgh, I couldn't be less comfortable if I tried.

I could've told Natalie the truth, I suppose. It might've been wise to just tell her I didn't want to see Scott with Freya, but somehow, I couldn't quite form the words.

I thought about them a lot. They'd been stuck in my brain for ages, trying to drown me in torturous images of them together.Kissing, holding hands, laughing...but seeing it would be something else entirely. It made it much more real.

It hurt knowing how well they suited one another, far more than me and Scott ever would. They'd create a couple so beautiful the world would know they definitely belonged together, a couple people would actually be jealous of if they saw them walking down the street hand-in-hand.

No, stop it, I warned myself with a sharp shake of a head. I just need to drink until none of this rubbish bothers me anymore.

"This is cool, isn't it?" Natalie yelled over the top of the music. "Pretty awesome they're playing loadsa classic nineties tunes. Shall we dance?"

I held up my glass indicating I needed to finish my drink first. If I was going to even attempt the dance floor I wanted my mood to be lifted tenfold. Right now, I sat on a tight knot of anxiety in my stomach I couldn't shift however hard I tried.

I didn't want to see Scott, especially not with her, but while they weren't here everything was up in the air. The unknown was almost more painful than the actual sight of them together.

What if they don't come? That horrible thought suddenly struck me like a burning bolt of lightning. What if they spend the night in bed instead?

"What is with you?" Natalie moaned closely so I couldn't ignore her. "You're so quiet and boring tonight."

I gazed at her, realising I was being a terrible bore, ruining my own night and my friend's too just because I couldn't stop thinking about someone who only saw me as a buddy. I had two choices; I either told Natalie everything and we had a true heart-to-heart where I got out all my feelings, or we just got hammered.

"Let's get in the shots!" I yelled while throwing my hands in the air. "You're right, I am being boring. I'm just stressed. I need to loosen the hell up."

"Oh, thank god." She rolled her eyes and grabbed my arm. "Let's get wasted."

I let her drag me along to get in a silly amount of drinks. Forgetting, having a blissful, blank mind, was exactly what I needed. I had to get to a point where I just didn't care about Scott and Freya anymore.

Let them get the hell on with it. If they're meant to be then let them be.

***

My vision blurred as I staggered into the bathroom, the ground shook and shuddered like an earthquake beneath my feet. I blinked a few times, trying to adjust to the bright white lights. As my eyes clocked my reflection in the mirror and I saw how sloppy I'd become a slightly-hysterical giggle burst free from my chest and radiated through the room.

"Who's there?" I jumped as the room became not as empty as I first assumed. I couldn't see whoever spoke to me though, they had to be locked away in one of the crudely-painted pink cubicles. "Who's that?"

"C...Carlie," I stammered, for some reason trying to sound like I hadn't had quite as many to drink as I had.

"Can you pass me some toilet roll? As always when it gets to a certain time of night, there's no paper in the ladies. You'd think by now someone would've worked it out and they'd have the bar staff checking them over, wouldn't you?"

"I know, right!" I whipped the paper off the roll in the next cubicle. "I always say that." As I pushed it under the door I felt the need to explain why I'd given my mystery friend so much. "You can tuck some in your handbag now, save some for later on."

"Ah thanks, awesome."

After only a couple of seconds, she pushed the door open and my heart froze. It was Freya, the Freya. My damn enemy. I just gave my love rival toilet paper when I should have left her to rot.

As my eyes ran up and down her body, insecurity washed over me in waves. Somehow, despite being in a similar state as me, drunk-wise, she managed to look incredible. Her hair appeared mussed up, rather than plain messy, her outfit looked sexy, not sloppy, her makeup remained in place as if painted on permanently. Of course Scott chose her over me, he'd be mad not to.

"Right." I took an incredibly uncomfortable step back. All the friendliness vanished from my tone, it was utterly apparent I wanted to get away. "Well, I better pee now. I'll be sure to go in the cubicle with paper."

She laughed breezily, seemingly unaware of the tension rolling off my shoulders. "Sure, sure. I'll see you later on, Carlie, okay?"

I raced into the cubicle and slammed the door behind me. I did need to pee but for a moment I pressed my forehead up against the cold wood of the door to calm myself down. If Freya was here, it meant Scott was too. Drinking myself to a point of forgetting hadn't helped at all, I spent the whole time trying to prepare myself for the moment they arrived...but now it was here, I knew I wasn't ready at all.

Don't let this spoil my night, I tried my hardest to calm down. Just carry on having fun with Natalie.

"Hello?" I leapt back as if I'd been burned as Freya spoke out once more. I almost answered her I was so convinced she was speaking to me. Luckily, I didn't because it quickly became obvious she was on the phone. "Nah, I'm here alone." I took a tentative step closer and pressed my ear up against the door. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, it just sort of happened. "Nah, I didn't come with him. Why? We aren't dating, that's why."

Does she mean Scott? She has to mean Scott, right?

"We never really were. We went out once but it was awkward. He got drunk and told me he liked someone else. I don't know why everyone assumes that..."

No, no, no. Her words trailed off as the squeaky door flew open and slammed shut again. I couldn't get everything from her, but maybe I had enough. Perhaps it was okay to know, or at least assume,she wasn't dating Scott at all and my best friend who I pathetically adored without actually telling him, was single.

I certainly felt a lot lighter upon hearing the news anyway.

I left the bathroom and made my way back out into the bar with a real warm feeling of promise in my heart. I didn't know what would happen, there was absolutely no guarantee it could lead to anything, but the mystery was preferable to the certain knowledge I was second best.

Oh my god, there he is!

As if I'd actually managed to conjure him up with sheer will, I quickly spotted Scott on the dance floor with Natalie. My desire to remain a wallflower vanished completely. I needed to get out there, to be near him, to shake my booty.

Shake my booty, goodness me I had to be drunk. I didn't ever think like that usually.

I pushed through the crowds of people, some of whom were far too drunk to be in public, until I reached my friends.

Natalie's eyes lit up the second she spotted me. "Carlie!" She grabbed and yanked me towards her. "I didn't know where you'd gone, you were ages. I thought you'd be with Scott, but he's here."

I turned to give Scott an awkward smile. It was weird since I hadn't seen him for a couple of days, during which time I'd really put myself through the emotional wringer, but of course, he didn't know that so he just grinned back like everything was totally normal.

"I love you." Natalie pulled my attention back to her. "You know that, don't you?" We had this conversation every time she drank too much, but it always made me feel good. "Of all the people I could've got stuck living with, I'm glad it's you."

"Yeah, me too..."

Scott pulled me away from Natalie and towards him. I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not, but he slammed me right into his rock-hard chest. I felt too good there to move, and with the alcohol lowering my inhibitions I remained with that instinct.

"I'm cutting into this love-fest," he declared teasingly. "You don't mind, do you, Natalie?"

When Natalie waved her hand over her head in a dismissive gesture, Scott beamed down at me gleefully as if we were naughty kids who'd just managed to escape detention.

"Good to see you, Jaymeson." He wrapped his hands around my waist and rocked us back and forth. We slow danced to a dodgy pop song which definitely required jumping around. We probably looked completely ridiculous but I truly didn't care. The only person whose opinion I wanted to consider was in this with me. "You look good."

"Ha! I wish I could say the same about you. School shorts just aren't you're thing."

"What? I can't believe you'd say such terrible things to me. I think I look amazing."

Me too. I tried to gulp down, but it filled my mind completely. Always.

"So, you're here...alone?" I needed to be certain, I couldn't make a fool of myself. "No date?"

"If you're asking about Freya then I'd rather you come out and say it. Beating around the bush doesn't suit you, Carlie."

"Fine.Are you here with Freya?"

"Me and Freya never took off." He offered me a one-shouldered shrug. "And I think I know why."

"You do?" Did I want to hear this? It was too late now; the question was out there.

"Mmm." Scott didn't answer me, instead, he got this really intense look in his eye. Something about his face made my heart stop dead, then my feet halted too. A bubble wrapped around us, I couldn't hear anything aside from my own panting breaths, I could only see Scott's lovely, warm eyes, I had a delicious, buzzing chemical pull shooting through my veins.

It was just me and Scott, Scott and me. No one else even existed.

The magnet kicked in, it pulled our lips together as if we had no control over ourselves. Scott tugged me towards him and it seemed I was yanking him in too.

Any minute now, we would be kissing.

Any minute now...
Four

December 2010

His lips moved towards mine, my heart skipped about three beats, I froze to the spot, yet was absolutely jellified at the same time. I had no idea how the hell I held my body upright, but somehow, I just about managed it. Maybe Scott had his fingers tightly around my waist keeping me fixed in one place. I couldn't feel his touch anymore, the only thing I was aware of was his mouth moving tantalisingly towards mine, almost as if he was doing so in slow motion.

What if this ruins everything? My brain unhelpfully popped up. What if the kiss is terrible and there's nothing salvageable at the end of it?

Luckily,I couldn't fall too deeply into that rabbit hole which surely would've caused me to pull away because Scott wasn't messing around. His lips crashed into mine and his hands knotted up in my hair in what felt like a split second.I tingled all over as I finally had the moment I'd been dreaming about from the very first moment I laid eyes on this gorgeous guy.

It was a million times better than I thought it would be.

Flames ignited, desire grew, I moulded into him hoping this would never have to end. We kissed passionately like there was no tomorrow, all the feelings I'd kept locked up inside came out in the heat of the moment, and if I thought long and hard enough it seemed exactly the same was coming from him...

"Are you okay, sweetie?" Mum asked me quietly, snapping me from my daydream. "You look like you were lost there. Penny for your thoughts?"

"Oh, erm." My cheeks sizzled. I couldn't tell my mum I'd been remembering my magnetic kiss with Scott, it was too embarrassing for words. We weren't really close enough to talk about things like that."I wasn't thinking about anything. Coursework, actually.I've got a lot to do so I was just thinking about that."

"Oh right...okay." Mum looked at me curiously, clearly,she didn't believe me. "If you say so. Everything's going well at university though, isn't it?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's great actually. I'm having a really good time. I've made some awesome friends. Natalie, who I've already told you about, and you know, the rest of them."

I'd been looking forward to coming home for a few weeks over Christmas, things had become a little stifling at university, but now I was here I wanted to get back.

Sort of.

I did on the one hand because I missed Natalie, the girls from my class, and Scott, of course. But he was also the reason I didn't want to return. Ever since that kiss, things had been weird, just as I feared. On the night, all was good, I allowed myself to believe I was the person Freya talked about in the bathroom, I let myself think the kiss and the slightly cryptic words that came before it was the start of something. I went to bed honestly believing I was going to become Scott's girlfriend.

How utterly foolish of me.

I didn't hear from him the next day, which stung hard but I didn't push it. I assumed he was sleeping off his hangover, or he had stuff to do. I gave myself a million excuses as to why I suddenly wouldn't hear from Scott when we usually spoke every single day, after the most monumental event of our lives so far. I knew it was all lies, but I had to keep the hope alive. I couldn't suffer a hangover and heartbreak all in one day. Natalie had a lot of gossip from the night anyway, so that was a good distraction.

But then the second day came along and I still didn't hear from him. That day I spent agonising over my phone, gazing at the blank screen as if it held all the answers. I typed out and deleted a million messages to him, wishing I knew what to say. What words were right for 'do you still like me? What did that kiss mean? Are we together now? Are we still friends? Why don't you love me?'It was too pathetic for words. Saying nothing felt like the safest option.

It wasn't until the third day we actually communicated and that only came about because we ran right into one another in the canteen.I practically bumped into Scott creating a very dense atmosphere around us. I didn't even need to look up to know things were about to get weird. Really weird.

It was up to me to bring it back to normal.

"Hey, Albert," I burst out with the brightest smile I could muster. "What's going on?"

I didn't know what else to do. Ignoring it, refusing to acknowledge it'd happened,felt like the only way we could move past this weirdness. Of course, my feelings remained the same, but they were no longer a priority. I just didn't want it to be strange.

"Yo, Jaymeson." I couldn't ignore the relief on his face. "How's it going?"

It seemed without the flush of alcohol in his system, he didn't feel the same way for me at all. Maybe he never did, there's a chance Freya got it wrong or she was talking about someone else. Was it all just a drunken mishap?

Much as that crushed me I could use it. If he wanted things back to how they were I could do that. I'd been shoving my feelings down for months, how much would it take for me to continue doing so? Just because I knew there was an intense sexual chemistry between us now, a real physical connection, it didn't mean anything...

I pulled back into the present moment by my phone blasting out. I shook my head and tugged my thoughts into reality, noticing Mum still talking. It seemed she didn't even need a response anymore.

"I better take this, Mum." I leapt from my seat and raced away. "Back in a moment."

I glanced happily at the screen as I took the stairs two at a time. At least this was someone I wanted to talk to.

"Natalie, hey!"

"What the hell is going on?" she snapped angrily. "Why are you keeping secrets from me?"

"Huh?"I slammed the door behind me and flopped onto my bed to catch my breath. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the 'School's Out' night. I'm talking about you kissing Scott."

Oh God. At the time, I thought she saw the kiss but she knew I didn't want to talk about it. There was no point in discussing and overanalysing it when it wasn't ever going to become anything.

"Erm..." My hand shook, I didn't know what to do. Did I deny it, try to work out where she learned that information, or confess everything? "I..."

"There's a picture of the pair of you online. I don't know what creeper took it but I just saw Scott's been tagged in it."

My heart sunk into my shoes. Now, what would we do? We'd just gotten back to a semblance of normality with our friendship only by ignoring it. How would we continue on if there was evidence on the Internet for the world to see? The fact Scott must've known, he was obsessive about checking his social media, terrified the living hell out of me.

"I...I..."

"Oh god, we were so wasted that night." Natalie laughed gleefully, clearly not worked up about this. She didn't seem to be taking it too seriously which loosened a little bit of the tight knot in my stomach. "I bet you can't even remember. That's insane. I wonder if Scott does. I suppose he will now!"

"Yeah," I rasped, unable to get my words out properly. "I guess so."

A beat of silence followed while my head span like crazy. The hand not holding my phone curled around the bed sheet underneath me as if it was the only thing keeping me together. My sides tore, my emotions ran free, if I wasn't careful tears would start pouring down my cheeks any minute.

"Are you...alright?"Natalie asked cautiously. "Is this a thing? Have you been having a thing with Scott?"

"No, no, nothing like that." I gulped, getting stuck between a rock and a hard place. I didn't want to tell Natalie about Scott until there was anything to tell, but I guess I had no choice now. "It was only the one kiss."

"But you like him?" That seemed like more of a rhetorical question, so I didn't answer. "That makes sense. I guess I didn't see it before but now it's really obvious. You like him. How long have you liked him? Probably since the start, right? And you've always been friends." She was on a roll now, I couldn't stop her even if I wanted to. "But then the kiss happened...oh, yeah. So, what happened after the kiss? The 'School's Out' night was a while back, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, it hasn't been great," I admitted. "It was weird for a while but now it's gone back to normal. We're friends again."

I could hear the sympathy in Natalie's sigh which pained me. A bolt sparked through my heart. I span onto my back and clapped my hand across my forehead in utter dismay as I realised I was hopeless.

"You don't want to be friends though, do you?" Natalie continued in a soft-spoken tone. "You want more. What does that mean for the New Year's Eve party? Are you still going to come? He'll probably be there."

"Yeah, I know." I'd been thinking about it for a while. I knew it wasn't going to be easy to attend the big bash at uni but speaking to Natalie only highlighted that. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I mean, I'll probably come but I doubt I'll be good company."

"Good, I hate New Year's Eve anyway, it's too much forced fun and it never goes to plan. I'm sure it'll suck. We can be miserable bastards together."

For the first time in a very long time, I laughed loudly and genuinely. Natalie was an amazing friend, I really did love her and not just in a sweeping drunken declaration way. I wasn't sure I could've survived my time so far without her. It might've only been a couple of months, but it was a life-changing period. She'd made it for me.

"Do we have to dress up?" I groaned. "Please tell me we don't."

"Oh, we do, and we're gunna wear the best outfits ever. We might be the most miserable people there, but we'll look the best."

By the time I hung up I felt better and worse all at once. I wasn't sure this party was a good idea but I was glad I'd decided to go. At least I wasn't hiding away at home, being sad and pathetic.

Going was better than not going...wasn't it?
Five

December 2010

"Urgh, New Year's Eve." Natalie giggled and took a massive swig from her bottle of random liquid that'd slowly become unidentifiable. "Why are we here again? Classes don't start for another week. I could've been at home."

"I hate to tell you this, but you pretty much dragged me along.It isn't too bad though, is it? We probably would've been gutted if we missed out. It looks like everyone else is here."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right."

Natalie tucked her fifties-style swinger skirt underneath her butt as she sat on what appeared to be an upside-down barrel. The pin-up look really suited her. If she wasn't in such a foul mood I might've suggested she take up the rockabilly style full time, but something weighed heavily upon her.

"Are you alright, Natalie?" I rested my hand comfortingly on her shoulder. "You seem really fed up."

"I dunno." She sipped again and fixed her eyes on the floor. "I just feel a bit down. The thought of going back to uni sucks. I'm not enjoying my course as much as I thought I would and I'm finding it harder than I expected too."

Guilt crushed my chest. I felt bad I'd allowed this situation with Scott to consume me so much I'd neglected my friend. I didn't think I was a self-involved person but heartache had made me act that way. In a slightly tipsy moment, I vowed to myself I'd be more attentive to everyone around me, not just him.

"I'm sorry, Natalie, I didn't realise."I moved my chair closer to her and stared into her eyes. There was such a sadness to the deep brown colour, I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it before. "Have you tried talking to your lecturer about it?"

"Not yet, but I think I will when we go back." She huffed dejectedly, deflating like a balloon. "I think I'm gunna have to if I don't want to drop out. The last thing I want is give up, I spent so long wanting to come here to do this exact course. It'll be awful to chuck it away now."

The idea Natalie might actually leave me alone in university was utterly horrifying. It sobered me up in less than a second. I couldn't believe she actually hated her life at university so much she didn't want to do it anymore. However bad things had been for me, there wasn't even a moment when I thought maybe I didn't want to do it anymore. I needed my qualification, without it I had an even less certain future.

"Yeah, it would. And also, I'm sure there are options for you."Desperation circled me. Not only would I be losing my best friend, but my roommate too. There were other people living in my student accommodation but I hadn't bothered getting to know them. If Natalie left I'd have to open up all over again. "Maybe you could change what areas of Geography you're focused on. Or you could change your course to a different one." I grasped at straws. "It's only been one term, it probably isn't too late to make any changes." I took her hand in mine and gave her what I hoped would be a reassuring grin. "We'll work it out somehow, and if you're feeling miserable again then talk to me. I'm your friend. That's what I'm here for."

Natalie gave me a weak, thin-lipped smile in return. "Yeah, well the same goes for you too. I don't want you to keep things like Scott from me again. Speaking of which..." She scanned her eyes over the crowds of people filling the room. "Have you spoken to him yet."

"No," I shot back sharply, but just because I hadn't spoken to him didn't mean I wasn't acutely aware of his presence the entire time. I hated that he hadn't just come over to chat. This would never have happened before. The kiss was a big mistake, obviously.

It would never happen again, that much I felt certain of.

"Maybe you don't need to," Natalie told me, using the same uncertain tone I'd used when reassuring her. "Maybe it's unnecessary. Space is probably what you both need, and I know it isn't what you want to hear but perhaps cutting off your friendship is exactly what has to happen. You might not see it now, but it'll probably be for the best in the long run."

All of a sudden, I wasn't so much looking forward to 2011 after all. I'd been considering it a fresh start, just as I did every single year, but now I had the horrible sensation it wouldn't be one of my better years. If Natalie left university and I couldn't be friends with Scott anymore then where did leave me?

"I need a drink," I mumbled as I turned towards the bar.

"Now might not be the best time," Natalie warned. "I think Scott just spotted you and from where I'm looking it appear she's coming over."

"What?" I almost snapped my head around in shock, needing to see for myself, but remaining composed was more important. I didn't want to speak to Scott, I certainly didn't want to watch him come all the way over here. I needed more time to prepare myself. "Are you serious? Is he really?"

"Err, yes." Natalie averted her eyes too which made me cringe. She looked uncomfortable, which only amped up my sheer terror. "Shall I get out the way? Let you two hash this out in peace?" When I didn't answer she took a different path. "Or would you rather me get rid of him? I don't mind doing that either...in fact, I'd probably prefer it."

Get rid of him! Tell him I don't ever want to talk to him again.

But of course, I wasn't ever going to say that out loud. Much as didn't want to speak to Scott I knew I would. I was weak to him, I couldn't turn him away. Maybe it was the wisest thing to do but I wasn't ready to give up on our friendship just yet.

"No, it's okay." I raised my head up and stared defiantly forwards. "I'll talk to him, it'll be fine."

"If you're sure..."

As Natalie stood to move, I remembered how ridiculous I looked. I hadn't thought much about my outfit until the very last moment so I had to take the last thing available in the costume shop. A dodgy gangster look could've been funny, but now with Scott nearing me, I felt idiotic. I already knew he was dressed as a Greek God, I'd seen him a few times throughout the night. He looked good as it too. Too damn good, it wasn't fair.

"Hey there, Jaymeson." Scott's chocolaty smooth voice sent a shiver racing down my spine. Something about his tone reminded me of the first night, which was the only thing that gave me the strength to look at him. "You look interesting."

My stomach churned, a sicky feeling washed over me. I couldn't open my mouth for a few moments for fear vomit might spill out. Why did Scott have to be so devastatingly handsome? It wasn't fair.

"You don't look too bad yourself." I ran my eyes up and down him, trying to numb myself to his appearance. I just wanted to be normal, this weirdness hurt. If only I didn't have feelings for him, none of this would've happened. "How's it going?"

"Yeah, it's..." He shook his head and stared intently at his beer bottle. His nails dug into the label, pulling it off as he spoke. "It's good, I think. Did you see the picture online?"

The picture...the image I'd been obsessing over every single damn night since I'd learned of its existence. The grainy, blurry image which showed me and Scott in a romantic cinch. There had definitely been something between us...even if it was only for a second. The picture I'd spent hours lying in bed, torturing myself over. The photo I wanted to erase, but also I wanted to hold onto forevermore.

"Erm, I haven't seen it," I lied through gritted teeth. "But I've heard about it. Natalie was just filling me in actually." If I had to address it then I wanted to feign ignorance. "Have you seen it?"

"Yeah." He smiled to himself. I wanted to know what look meant. "I have. I guess...I suppose we haven't talked about it yet. Maybe we should."

"Do we have to?"

That dragged his eyes up to mine and he searched me desperately. I couldn't concentrate anything other than the intense need to keep my own face expressionless. It was a real struggle to keep all my features in one place, but I think I just about pulled it off.

"I don't know what needs to be said, but something does." Scott huffed a sound that bolted right to my heart. "I think...for now, I guess the main thing I need to say isI don't want a girlfriend." Even though I knew this conversation would go that way, I imploded. It became even harder to keep my face straight. "That's nothing to do with you of course. I like you a lot, probably too much actually, but I'm only eighteen and I'm not great at anything, never mind commitment. I just don't think it won't be a good idea. Do you know what I mean? Am I being a real dick here?"

I breathed deeply a few times, trying to steady myself. The world span underneath my feet, making it hard to keep still. I felt compelled to keep face, I needed to act like I didn't care, otherwise, I'd lose him completely. He wasn't into me enough to be with me despite the fact I'd have done anything for him. He didn't want to be my boyfriend, which meant my crush would have to stay just that. At least until I got over him. I couldn't lose my friendship, I didn't want to be without Scott, I just wanted all this awkwardness to be done. It was silly and completely unnecessary.

"I completely agree." Falsity shone through."I don't want that either. You're not being a dick at all, it is what it is. It got...weird for a moment but now it's done. No need to worry about it for even another second." I hopped off my chair and moved away. "I just want to be friends again." I indicated behind me aimlessly as if there was something there waiting for me. "I suppose I better go, I need to find Natalie again, but erm...I hope you enjoy the rest of the party."

"Happy New Year," he called out to my back as I turned away with my eyes closed to keep the tears inside. "In case I don't see you at the countdown moment. See ya, Carlie."

I certainly didn't intend to see him for the countdown!

"Happy New Year, bye, Scott."

Yeah...Happy New Year. It's going to be freaking amazing. At this rate, I'm not going to survive it intact.

2011 was off to a really great start...
Six

September 2011

It was different, going back for my second year. I was excited to return to the uni life I'd missed so much during the long summer break but it wasn't filled with anticipation anymore. I knew what to expect, there weren't any surprises. Maybe more coursework to deal with but that was about it.

I also had somewhere else to live, I wouldn't be on campus anymore so that experience would be new. The student houses were set up on campus to create a community feel, to help people get to know one another when they first set foot into this brand-new life. Second year students were expected to make it in city apartment's all by themselves.Another step on the journey to adulthood.

Luckily, I still had Natalie to live with, so I'd have that constant.

"Hey, girl!"She wandered through the front door with a thick duvet tucked under her arm. "This place is nice, isn't it? I was worried since I only saw it online but I think I did a good job, don't you?"

I glanced around my surroundings happily. It was small, but it was ours. I was more than happy with that. "I love it, it's awesome. I'm so damn glad you decided to switch to Sociology studies. Can you imagine where I'd have ended up living if you'd left after New Year?"

Natalie snorted with laughter. "I still can't believe I ever though I'd like Geography. It was never me. Doing a course where I can people watch is much better. I love it. I'm actually excited to get back to it, which is something I never thought I'd say."

I couldn't wait to get back to my course too. I'd spent some of the summer when I wasn't working writing stories, just to keep my creativity flowing. I wasn't sure any of it was very good but doing something had to be better than doing nothing.

I liked writing, I wanted to write. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with that dream, but at the moment that was all I had. I wanted to write something.

I couldn't wait to see Scott either, now things were much better between us. After New Year it was awkward for a while, I came to settle on the idea our friendship was dead and buried, but over time things eased off and the tension simply rolled away. By Easter, we were pretty much back to how things used to be and judging by the few messages we'd exchanged during the summer break, everything was just fine now.

Maybe it wasn't what I wanted, possibly it never would be, but I could cope. The time apart had been good for me. I was probably completely over him by now, maybe I wouldn't even feel anything once we saw each other again.

Hey, anything was possible. Especially now everything had changed.

"Come on, give me some of your stuff, I'll help you get set up. I suppose since it's the first night we have to be out. We wouldn't want to go unseen."

"Oh, can you imagine?" laughed my friend."That would be absolutely insane. How could a party work without us? We're the life and soul, don't you know?"

***

The music pounded so loudly my bones rattled hard. It even shook my drink between my fingertips. What the hell was going on? Why was the student bar more like a rave tonight? Had it been this way last year? I certainly didn't think so but maybe that was because I saw it through newer eyes then.

"This is insane!" Natalie yelled, only adding to the raging headache building in the back of my brain. "I can't even hear myself think. Do you want to go outside and hang out where the smokers do? Just to give my ears a rest."

I nodded encouragingly and followed Natalie through the crowds of people. There seemed to be so many sweaty, writhing bodies on the dance floor it was dangerously close to becoming a different type of club altogether. Maybe we were really tame during our first year, or this lot were incredibly wild. Either way, it seemed the student bar was about to be something else. Thank god we lived away from it, that gave us a variety of bars when we wanted a night out.

As soon as the cool night air brushed past my cheek, I blinked rapidly a few times to adjust to the darker light. It was a relief, the flashing, almost strobe-like, beams in there were hard to see through.

"Urgh, that was a nightmare." Natalie rolled her eyes dramatically. "We shouldn't be out tonight. Not here anyway. Screw being seen! We could be on the couch watching movies instead."

"Oi, you two!" A thick arm slung over my shoulder as the all-too-familiar voice interrupted us"You aren't quite that old yet, are you? You've got your whole life to sit in and watch TV, now's the time to party...isn't it?" He chuckled a throaty, heart-warming sound."At least, that's what my roommates said when they dragged me out tonight."

"Hello, Scott," Natalie drawled dryly. "Good to see you, as always."

Their relationship remained a little frosty. I kept telling Natalie it really didn't matter anymore, that I wasn't hurt, but she wouldn't let it go. I guess I would've been the same if the roles were reversed. I could understand her need to protect me.

"How was your summer?"Scott continued as if he hadn't heard the sarcasm in her tone. "Do much?"

"Worked, hung out with my parents, saw some old school friends...nothing too life-changing."

"Yeah. That's pretty much the same as me," I interjected because I wanted to be involved in the conversation too. "It's good to be back. I've missed studying."

"There'll be lots of performances for you guys to watch this time around. Apparently, drama hits it hard in the second year."

"Oh yay..." I sensed Natalie about to launch into a rant. "Just what we wanted..."

"Natalie! You're back."

One of the guys from Natalie's sociology class, where it seemed she was very popular, grabbed her arm and pulled her away, leaving me and Scott alone. I was so grateful it wasn't strange anymore, I could just smile at him and not worry he'd read too much into it. Not so long ago, that was unthinkable.

Finally, we were Carlie and Scott again.

Okay, so if I was totally honest with myself, the idea I'd be totally over him by now was a little farfetched, feelings definitely still circled around in my stomach, but it was okay. I actually felt alright.

"So how about you?"I nudged him playfully. "Did anything super dramatic happen to you over the summer holidays?"

His cheeks stained a funny shade of pink, which intrigued me. I couldn't wait to hear what Scott had done. He was a little evasive about his home life, I got the impression it wasn't the easiest. I hoped he'd managed to find some drama-related work experience. He wanted that, to make himself stand out when he got into the big wide world. He desired to show he was hungrier for it, that he did all he could to show he desired it the most. It was admirable, really. To have that certainty and drive.

"I erm..." He scratched the back of his head awkwardly and shot his eyes back and forth, looking for...well, I wasn't sure what. "I actually..."

"Babe!"A raven-haired beauty threw her arms around Scott's waist in an overly familiar manner. She touched his body with absolute ease, much more than I could ever feel him. As if his body made her comfortable rather than nervous and freaked out.

What the hell was going on?

My eyes widened in shock, I could feel my heart jackhammering painfully against my ribcage as I stared at the pair of them. I felt small and stupid in their presence. I parted my lips slightly, racking my brains for something to say but there were no words. I had no idea how to explain my emotions.

"Oh, erm, Carlie, this is Kat. She's...my girlfriend."

His awkwardness began to make a whole lot of sense. Of course, he didn't want to tell me he had a girlfriend after what he said to me. Granted, that happened nine months ago now,things could've changed, but it still struck me hard.

"I don't want a girlfriend."That's what he told me. He gave me some spiel about being too young and not ready for commitment. Then he said the words I'd clung to for far too long, like a damn idiot. "I like you a lot, probably too much actually." I guess I assumed somewhere deep down when he was ready I'd be the person he came to. I didn't think I'd ever be presented with this exact situation.

"Oh, hi," I rasped breathlessly. I wanted to smile at Kat, to show us all I wasn't bothered, but I couldn't. This knocked me sideways, it left me without air never mind words. How was this happening to me? How had my heart been shattered all over again? Why did I've to feel so much for someone who clearly cared so little? "Nice to meet you, Kat..."

Luckily, at that moment, Natalie seemed to sense something Earth-shattering happening.She gripped my arm and tugged it slightly. My unsteady feet fell easily. Willingly too. Natalie took my place with Scott and Kat before she nodding at me giving me permission to leave completely.

I fell backwards, alone, and tried to process what I'd just witnessed. Scott, with a girl who wasn't me, Scott, the commitment-phobe in a relationship, Scott with someone so beautiful I ached all over.

It was never that he didn't want a girlfriend, I was the issue.

He didn't want me.

"Come on, I got rid of those losers. Let's go."

Natalie took me to the edge of campus where we quickly found a cab. Thank goodness we could leave, to get some separation from the university, I realised now the distance would be important. In the city Scott didn't live so near he could pop round unexpectedly. Maybe I could just forget he ever existed at all...if it wasn't for the massive gaping hole in my heart.

"At least she isn't from here." Natalie tried to comfort me by nestling her head on my shoulder. "She's someone from home so she won't be here all the time." I didn't say anything, I couldn't. It helped Kat wasn't in the university bubble, but she still existed. That was enough. "The long-distance thing will kill them anyway. I wouldn't worry about it too much."

"I don't want to worry about it at all. I just want to get on with my life. I'm sick of being heartbroken over Scott, it's getting boring. If it was going to work, it would've by now. It's time to just forget about him."

As I stared out the window to watch the world go by, I really did mean it. I wanted to forget about Scott Albert, I finally wanted to just be me without him. As far as I was concerned, Scott and Carlie were no more.
Seven

December 2011

I found it surprisingly easy to avoid Scott. Every time he text me to hang out, instead of jumping and racing to his side I made up some excuse.Whenever he called me I either didn't answer or I hung up really quickly. I didn't like to spend a lot of time on social media anyway so that was easy enough to avoid...all in all, my new life without him wasn't too difficult to achieve.

Until the Christmas drama performance came around just before we broke up for the holidays. I wanted to avoid it, I really did. I assumed it'd be much better for me to not go because of the big chance Kat would be there, but I couldn't be that much of a terrible friend.It felt like a step too far. I'd always supported his performance pieces, even the terrible miming thing his class did at the end of year one. If I did this I'd be sending a message so much stronger than I really wanted.

Yes, I needed to be just me, but at the same time,I didn't want to completely end things forever. I was sure a time would come when I'd feel comfortable to just be mates again.

I couldn't fully let go.

"I cannot believe I let you drag me to another one of these things," Natalie groaned, pushing her sunglasses up onto her head. The bags under her eyes revealed how tired and hungover she was, which didn't surprise me at all. She spent a lot of nights hanging out with her Sociology friends...there was one in particular I was just waiting to become her boyfriend. "This one better not be as horrific as the others."

I couldn't even pretend to keep my cool. My skin drained of colour, I didn't need a mirror to see that. "Is she here? Have you seen her yet?"

"No, I don't think she is. I don't think she'd bother coming all the way here for a stupid coursework play thing, do you?" I did, because I knew I would. "They might not even be together anymore.The distance might've ruined them. We wouldn't know because we haven't seen Scott for ages."

"I suppose so." There was no way I'd be able to relax, not when I didn't know for sure. "I guess it's been a while."

"How are you doing with all that? You haven't mentioned him in a long time."

"I'm good." I gave her my new standard response. It fell out my mouth without me even having to think about it. "I don't have much time to worry about him. As you know, my course has been keeping me really busy this year. I'm fine."

Natalie probably didn't believe me, if anyone could see right through my lie it was her, but she accepted my answer readily. "Good, I'm glad to hear it. It's great to see you doing so much better. I think cutting Scott out for a while was a good plan. Maybe now you guys can start hanging out a bit again and it'll go back to normal."

I darted a look her way. I didn't think she liked him much, I certainly didn't assume she'd be keen to start hanging out with him again, but perhaps I was wrong. Maybe it didn't feel right with us all separate.

"Yeah, we'll see."

The conversation halted by the room lights dipping and the spotlights flickering to life. Me and Natalie fell into silence while we waited for the performance—however terrible it might be—to begin...

***

The bathroom in the student bar was empty, giving me a moment to stare into my manic-looking eyes in the slightly grubby mirror. Watching Scott in the play was far more challenging than I expected. I thought the distance would make all the difference in the world, but it hadn't. Still he got to me, still, he made me feel muddy and raw.

It's okay, I survived it. I watched my mad eyes settle just a tiny bit. Now, I just have to have one celebratory drink and that's it.

It was tradition, we always went out with the cast afterwards for drinks. If keeping up the pretence helped me to continue, then that was what I needed to do. I didn't have to stay out all night though, there were plenty of excuses I could give, then I'd be acting alright, while also protecting myself.

Come on, I've got to just do this.

I made my feet move back to the bar area where I knew Scott would be waiting. He'd probably leave it a couple of moments so he didn't look desperate, but it wouldn't be long until he made a beeline for me. He'd been trying to pin me down for weeks without any luck, no way he'd miss out on this perfect opportunity. This was a relaxed environment where I didn't have much of an escape route without making a fuss.

I sure as hell wasn't about to make a fuss.

I instantly walked towards Natalie who had a crowd of her course mates around her. That made it challenging for me to get in to speak with her, so instead I hung around awkwardly at the edges. I didn't even have a drink clutched between my fingers to give me something to do with my hands, making me more uncomfortable. As did the prickle of eyes upon the back of my neck, the gaze I refused to get sucked in by.

Ignoring it made no difference though, soon I could feel it growing closer, my instincts ruffled, and my feet bounced up and down while I waited. I crossed my arms protectively over my front and I bit down so hard on my bottom lip I feared I might draw blood.

"I...I brought you a drink,"his voice stammered behind me. "I hope you don't mind."

I slid my eyes closed and counted to three inside my mind before I turned to see him. As my gaze travelled up his body and met his eyes, all the strength simply zapped from me.

"Thank you." I took the bottle from his hands. "That's very nice of you."

A thick, deep-seated silence clung to the air. I drank quickly, trying to clear my brain, but the fog remained.

"It's been a while, hasn't it?"Scott nodded in my direction. "I feel like we haven't seen each other properly for ages."

"I suppose not. I guess I've been really busy with coursework. You too, I imagine."

"Mhmm. Yep, very busy. Lots to do all the time."He took another massive swig of his drink before continuing. "It's just...I haven't seen you since the first night really, and I can't help wondering why."

"Oh." I wasn't sure how to answer that.How could I mention Kat? There was no way unless I wanted to come across as petty and pathetic. "I guess it's just different, isn't it? We've got lots to do and it's not as convenient when we don't live on campus anymore."

I assumed that was a plausible enough excuse, but it didn't seem to fly. Scott stared intensely at me, his eyes boring right into my soul. As he did, I felt everything we'd shared so far swimming between us, threatening to dissolve if either of us made the wrong move.

"What are your Christmas plans?" I needed to say something to change the subject. "Anything exciting?"

"Err, I don't know yet. I'm not actually sure I'm going home for long. Maybe just Christmas day. It hardly seems worth it when I'll be back here for the New Year party anyway. What about you?"

A million-and-one questions flooded my mind, I wanted to know why Scott wasn't desperate to spend time with his girlfriend. Was this his roundabout way of telling me they weren't together anymore? Did I even want to know? I wasn't sure I did. I didn't think my emotions could take the answer, whatever it was. I'd been burned out by Scott long ago, I didn't see any point in dragging all that up again.

"I don't know if I'll be able to make it to the New Year's party this year."I glanced over his shoulder so I didn't have to look into his eyes. "One of my old school friends is holding a massive party back at home and I don't think I'll be able to get out of it."

Scott's face fell, but probably because he blamed himself. "Oh, that's a shame. It won't be the same without you."

I didn't bother to point out the lack of time spent together at the last party. I just nodded and kept my feelings inside like always. I half wondered if there'd ever be a time when I could just tell him what my emotions were.

"I'm sure it'll be fun. The parties here usually are."

"They haven't been recently. I constantly feel like they're missing something."

"You...you do?" Damn it, intrigue got the better of me. "What's that?"

He stared at me like I was purposefully not getting his hidden message. Maybe I was. Maybe I didn't want to read between any lines because whatever logical answer I came up with, it didn't ever play out in reality. What I thought should be happening, and what actually happened, were two very different things.

"I suppose I'll just have to wait to see you in the New Year then. Hopefully, 2012 will be a better one."

Again, I refused to take the hint.Instead, I smiled and edged away from him trying my best to create some distance. "Yeah, 2012. I'm sure it'll be great. But right now, I've got to go."

"Already?"He practically crumbled in front of me. "You have to leave? Like now? But you know how wild these nights get."

"That's why I have to go. I've got a deadline tomorrow. I'm sorry, I know I've become such a bore, it's just...I want to do well. This year is more important than last. I don't want to mess anything up."

"Oh, right of course. Your work. You need to do your work. This isn't the first year anymore so you can't just mess around and party." Scott looked distracted as he spoke, almost as if he barely knew what he was saying. "You need to leave right now."

"Yeah, so I'll see you later."I hated pulling away, it felt all wrong when he gave me those eyes, but I couldn't spend my whole life getting sucked in by his gaze when it wouldn't ever go anywhere. "Erm, bye."

I waved goodbye to Natalie over the heads of everyone else and made my way towards the door. I hadn't quite decided how I felt about what just happened yet, I wasn't sure if I was empowered or just sad, but at least I'd taken action. I guessed Scott now had a much better idea of my feelings which was something...probably.

If 2011 was the year I finally shut down everything and began to move on, then what would 2012 bring? I hoped it'd be a brand-new start. Again, I needed a fresh beginning. When would I just be happy with what I had right now? When my real life began, probably. Not that I had any idea when that would be.
Eight

February 2012

"So, what did you think of the movie?" the nervous, slightly sweaty-looking guy next to me asked. "Sorry it wasn't a soppier one, but I thought it too much of a cliché to see a romance film for Valentine's Day."

"Mmm," I mumbled back, barely paying any attention to his words.

"Plus, it probably would've been super busy anyway. Better we pretty much had the whole place to ourselves. We could stretch out a bit, and it didn't matter if we made any noise. Not you could hear anything much over the incessant growing and gunshots, but still..."

In one way, it was good there wasn't anyone else in the room as the film played out. The last thing I needed was to find myself surrounded by happy couples showing off their love just because it was February 14th, but in another way, it sucked. Being alone with Benji only highlighted there wasn't a scrap of chemistry between us, and no amount of zombies ripping people to shreds would change that. It only took me about three minutes to realise it was never meant to be.

It was a big shame. Benji was a really nice guy. He had a cute, preppy look with blond, shaggy hair and twinkling green eyes. A sweet, pleasant personality too. He was the sort of person you just couldn't help liking. For someone, he'd be perfect, but unfortunately,that person wasn't me. I still had to keep my distance from the person I believed was for me. Even though he was no longer with Kat, despite the fact their relationship was never a strong one anyway according to rumours, I still needed to protect myself.

Scott once told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, but when he was he didn't choose me. However weak I felt around him, I couldn't forget that.Otherwise I'd crumble in a heap at his feet, humiliating myself all over again.

"Did you want to go for a drink now?"

I watched Benji stuff his hands awkwardly into his pockets. I wasn't sure whether he liked me and thought this'd gone well, or if he just wanted to be polite. Either way, I didn't think it wise to extend this date further. I couldn't lead him on. I couldn't be the person to cause him pain the way Scott did me.

"I don't think so. I better get back really.I've a lot of coursework to do." The all too familiar lie came spilling past my lips. "But it's been fun."

"We could just go to the student bar. There's a bit of an anti-Valentine's Day party going on there. Could be fun to go for one?"

I already knew about the party, Natalie took her boyfriend, Gaz, as some sort of protest. I did actually want to see her. There'd be so many people there it could hardly be misconstrued as anything more, could it? It was a safe way the date could come to an end without any strangeness. We wouldn't even need to share an uncomfortable goodbye.Maybe it was Benji's way of suggesting he knew it wasn't going anywhere so we could just go our separate ways and still be friends.

"Okay sure, why not?"

The journey to the university wasn't actually a bad one, considering how strained the night had been. All the odd zinging tension that sat uncomfortably between us in the cinema was long gone. We were back to being friends, the way we were beforehand. It was actually the friendship which made me believe this could work. I thought the way I liked him could've been something much deeper than it was, potentially, one day. When would I learn friendship and romance could never mix? That life lesson would have to come about soon enough.

As soon as we walked through the doors into the bar, I realised I'd been in the wrong place all along. The silly party in the place I avoided as much as I could, didn't seem appealing when I first heard about it, but now I saw practically everyone from the second year dotted about, and I understood this was the place to be. There were only a few first years in sight, and the third years were too busy completing their dissertation—the biggest piece of work they'd do at university—for any sort of partying. It seemed this night was all for us.

"I wasn't expecting it to be this busy," Benji admitted quietly to me. "It's a bit mental, isn't it? Do you want a drink?"

"I'll get them." I grabbed my wallet out my bag. "You paid for the movie, it's only fair."

"But you got the popcorn."

"I want to. Just let me, please?"

"Oh, right okay. Well, I've just seen some of the other football guys over there so I'll be waiting with them if that's alright?"

"Perfect."

Natalie caught me as I made my way to the bar, she must've spotted me and Benji as we stepped inside. True to form, in a way that reminded me of our very first night, she dipped in and out of everyone, pulling me along until we were right at the front of the queue again. I couldn't actually remember a time I'd had to wait for a drink when Natalie was around.

"Where's Gaz? You haven't left him to his own devices, have you?" I clapped my hand to my chest in mock horror. "What happens if he gets lost without his shepherd leading him the right way?"

She shook her head and laughed at me. "You can talk. Where's your date?" I screwed up my nose in disappointment, answering her question without words. "Oh, I see. I didn't think it'd go well, to be honest. You don't have that spark with him. Not like..."

"Don't say it." I held my hands up, halting her in her tracks. "I don't want to think about him, I don't want to think about romance, I don't want to think about anything."

"He is here, just to warn you."

I should've known he'd be here, I guess a part of me already did.That didn't have to mean anything though, I wasn't going to spend any direct time with him. We'd simply both be in the same place at the same time. It happened a lot, and while it was like torture I'd survived it this far.

"I don't care, let's just get some drinks in and have a dance."

By the time I reached Benji with a bottle of beer, he had an incredibly drunk blonde wrapped around him. He shot me an apologetic look as he took the drink from me but I laughed it off. At least that showed he wasn't heartbroken by my rejection. As a good-looking guy, he would always have girls falling at his feet. Now I could continue having fun on my own without a scrap of guilt.

At first,I felt a bit weird on the dance floor, I didn't usually attempt to move my body until I was suitably liquored up for fear of looking like an awkward giraffe with no limb control, but with the masses of crowds around me, I soon got into it. I probably did look ridiculous, I just didn't care. Having Natalie with me helped, we hadn't seen much of one another since her and Gaz made it official. In fact, ever since we moved into our house with just the two of us, we'd been too busy be alone, but she was still my best friend. It felt good to have some carefree fun with the one person who I knew loved me. Jumping around, laughing, and acting the fool, made it so much easier to forget everyone else in the bar. And by that, I meant one person in particular...

Until I experienced a tingling on the back of my neck. As soon as I became acutely aware of the sensation of him, discomfort flooded me once more. I shrank in on myself, self-conscious, weird, unsure. All the carefree fun vanished in a heartbeat.The rest of the room melted away into in existence. It became me and him somewhere in the crowd.

My heart swelled, my brain twisted and churned, my knees knocked violently together. Even now after all this time, despite avoiding him all year, disregarding all the effort I'd put into getting over him, he affected me. The magnetism, the uncontrollable chemistry,wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. I didn't know how I could get rid of it when my body insisted on feeling that way, no matter what I wanted.

I couldn't stand it anymore, I needed to spin, I had to see him. The anticipation was just too much. I moved my body slowly, agonisingly so, I tried to incorporate the action into some form of dance which probably made me look even odder, and there I spotted him, standing at the edge of the dance floor with one hand holding a drink and the other tapping his chin. He looked like a damn model, every single time.

Unrequited love has to be the biggest damn bitch in the world.

Why me? Why does my first love not feel the same way?

I wasn't sure I could call it love when it wasn't reciprocated, but I didn't know how else to describe the swirling, tumbling, devastating set of emotions I had inside. Sure, I hadn't ever experienced real love before so I had nothing to compare it to, but it had to be this. The obsessive gnawing feeling that wanted to run and jump into his arms and never let him go, it was so powerful it had to be love. All I wanted to do was crash my lips into his again, I needed his arms around me, I desired his hands everywhere...

But I didn't do any of those things. I couldn't because I was still trying my hardest to be strong, so instead, I lifted my hand into a slightly weird half-wave. He curled his finger around, begging me to come closer but I couldn't. I'd already shed enough tears in the dead of night tucked under my duvet for him. I could already feel more coming. If I spoke to him I knew I might weep for days and never stop.

I turned, pretending I hadn't seen his finger even though we both knew I did, and I got back to dancing like a loon with Natalie. Well, really, I did it alone since her and Gaz were kissing like they were in the bedroom rather than in a crowded bar, but I didn't want to focus on part.

I'm being strong, taking control of myself and my feelings. It hurts, but it's the lesser of two evils.
Nine

June 2012

I watched the washing machine clean my clothes devastatingly slowly, painfully so. Once I moved off campus I thought I wouldn't have to come to the uni washroom again, but with our machine out of action and the landlord dragging his heels about fixing it, I didn't see what other choice I had. I was down to my last things, it was either buy new clothes or face this nightmare. The end of the summer term was coming, I sure as hell couldn't afford anything new.

At least I'd chosen a good time. It was late so there wasn't anyone else with me. I could do some reading at the very least. It wouldn't be time wasted...

Except I wasn't reading really. The textbook lay open on my lap but my eyes aimlessly watched the clothes whirl around and around. I'd heard about the famous 'second-year slump' in university, the excitement of it all being new had gone and the end was nowhere near in sight. I could feel it hard, I couldn't wait for summer to begin to give me a break from it. University was a little world of its own, completely cut off from everything else, and somewhere outside it, real life existed. Just for a little while, I wanted to get back to it.

"Hello," a sheepish voice broke through my thoughts. "I hope you don't mind me being here. I just ran into Natalie and she said you were getting some washing done. Some massive drama at your house, am I right?"

I slid my eyes closed for a second. Sometimes it felt like I never saw Scott anymore, and others it was like I couldn't escape him wherever I went. Mostly, when he was anywhere near me and my entire body filled with that intense sensation something wanted to burst free.

"Hey, Scott, yeah our machine is on the fritz." I held up my book half-heartedly. "I thought I'd come here when the place was empty to get some work done."

He took a seat on the bench next to me and shimmied far too close to my body. Every single hair stood on edge as each individual part of me yearned to reach out and touch him. I clasped my fingers so tightly around the book my knuckles turned white, just to stop myself from grabbing him...

"You're always about work these days. I don't know what happened to the fun-loving girl who pulled her top down and flashed everyone on New Year's Eve in the first year."

I laughed despite myself. "You aren't going to fool me with that one. I remember the party quite well, thank you very much."

"Yeah," he murmured breathily. "So, do I."

The tension came back. This was exactly why we couldn't be friends anymore. Ever since that kiss, things had gone downhill. I made my feelings too damn obvious, he showed he didn't really want me, even if he thought he might from time to time. It was just a mess. A year and a half had passed and things had gone from bad to worse.

"I wish I never said those things to you then." My eyes snapped up, I could hear the vulnerability lacing his tone. For one god-awful moment, I thought he was about to be truly honest with his feelings, and it seemed I was right. "I guess I just freaked out. I haven't ever liked anyone the way I do you and I thought then I couldn't handle it. I assumed it was all just the heady rush of being a first-year, I let myself believe I was getting carried away. I haven't..." He breathed deeply just at the moment my breaths stopped completely. "I haven't ever been in love before and I thought it was a bit too much."

Love? Is he serious?

As my pulse rate stopped, my mind circled over the words I'd desperately craved from the very first moment I met him. All I'd desired was for him to fall for me the way I had him. It would've been so easy to collapse into his arms, to give in to everything he told me, and there was such a big part of me that really wanted to.

"But you had a girlfriend," I spat out instead. "You told me you didn't want a girlfriend and I waited for you, I did." Maybe I was being too honest. "And then you came back with Kat."

"I know." His head fell into his hands. I could see the regret rolling off him in waves. "I know I did. I don't know what I was thinking. It was the summer, I was at home, she was someone I semi-dated while in school...I guess it was just easy."

"Easy." My tone was flat, I couldn't emote anymore. "I see."

"No, that sounds worse than I meant. I just mean giving in to my feelings for you wouldn't be easy. Because of our friendship."

"Our friendship doesn't really exist anymore. Not in the way it did."

All the colour drained from Scott's body, I could see my words carving through him like a knife. I didn't want to destroy him, that was never my intention, but he needed to know I was very aware of the dramatic shift between us, even if I didn't show it.

"It's my fault, I know it is. I screwed everything up. Every single time I see you I keep thinking how different it would be if just kissed you last New Year's Eve. If I wasn't such a coward and I just went for it. We would've been together for eighteen months now."

The scene came to life in front of me, probably in the same way Scott saw it. If things had simply progressed then we would've gone into it with our easy friendship and no insecurities. It would've been the easiest, smoothest love ever and because of that, it might well have lasted forever. Even if we weren't living together now, we would've made the effort to see each other every day. When I saw Scott, I wouldn't have avoided him, I could've embraced him and kissed him. He would be mine, touching him would be as easy as breathing...

But it wasn't that way, and it couldn't ever be that way.

"Maybe we wouldn't." I attempted a joke to try and ease the tension. "Maybe you'd have driven me crazy and I would've binned you in a week."

"Me drive you crazy? What about the way you take forever to do your hair? There's no way I could've put up with that."

"My hair? What about the way your feet stink?"

Scott slipped his foot out his shoe and managed to get it impressively close to his nose. "Nope, they smell great. It must be your feet that stink."

We both chuckled, the silly remarks trying to get rid of the weirdness between us. It didn't work much, so I plastered the brightest smile on my face I could manage. Maybe we could get past it in the end if we just kept trying.

"So, are we both in agreement it never would've worked?"

I bit down on my bottom lip as I worked out how I wanted to answer that. If I said yes, I'd be closing the lid on us forever, but it might mean we could finally just be mates again. Our friendship was awesome while it lasted, I did want to preserve it and not just in a distant way. I wanted to be able to hang out with him again one-on-one, just like we used to.

Maybe if we both knew exactly where we stood then it'd be the easiest thing.

"I think we're much better off as friends, don't you? Some other girl can deal with those stinky feet."

The washing machine came to a halt, filling the laundry room with silence. Somehow the quiet felt so loud it burst through my eardrums making me bolt upright. I shoved everything into the dryer, trying my hardest to suck in some deep, quiet breaths as I did. I needed to calm down my racing pulse before it became obvious.

"So, if we're going to be friends again, does that mean you'll stop avoiding me?"

I span around and flashed angry eyes at him. "I haven't been avoiding you."

"Jaymeson, don't lie. Just answer the question."

He slumped back on the bench and rested both his arms across the back in a relaxed, inviting pose. My emotions balled up in my throat as his beauty hit me once more. There was no way in hell this would be easy.

"Fine. I'll stop avoiding you."

"If I text you and ask you to hang out, I want you to just do it. No more naff excuses."

"Yep."

"No more coursework, or lectures, or friendship dramas."

"But I have to go to lectures." Nope, I wasn't getting away with that. "Fine, I'll drop everything for you, is that what you want to hear?"

"Sure is." He stood and glared down at me. "I'm going to cash in on that right now. Let's go to the bar for a drink, it's only up the stairs. Your stuff will be at least an hour."

"But I'm not really dressed..."

"No excuses."

"Sure. Okay, let's go now."

Scott pressed one hand on his hip and indicated for me to link my arm through his, which I did. It felt good to be his friend again, I just hoped it lasted...

***

"Bloody hell, you're such a bad influence," I giggled, grabbing my clothes out the machine. I swayed a little, which I could attribute as much to the extreme happiness as the alcohol. "I was supposed to be back here in an hour."

"Yeah, but we haven't been out for so long we had to stay for a bit. It all worked out anyway, no one's been in here to steal your freshly washed underwear."

He grabbed a bra from my hands and mimed shoving it rapidly into his pocket. I chuckled hysterically and snatched it back.

"Will you stop it, you perv?"

"I'm just trying to help you put everything in your bags, that's all. I'm totally innocent."

To prove he wasn't lying, Scott made a half-assed attempt to fold a tee shirt. As he did I found it utterly impossible to drag my eyes away from him. The giddiness made it incredibly challenging not to take this one step further. I knew our newfound friendship relied solely on the 'no romance' agreement, but a tugging in my heart wanted to just try.

All I had to do was spin him around and I could crash my lips into his before he even knew what was happening. It wouldn't be so hard. It might even be fun, it could even lead somewhere.

He felt me looking so he turned himself. I could see my thoughts written across his face. If we wanted to, we could kiss in an instant. It would only be a minute and everything could change once more...
Ten

July 2012

"Urgh, can't we just stay for the summer?"Natalie tossed her final belongings on the floor in a huff. "I don't want to leave our little home, I've had such an awesome time living here."

"The student lease runs out, we couldn't stay even if we wanted to," I unhelpfully reminded her. "Plus, we all know it's just because you can't be bothered to pack. Once you're at home you won't want to come back here either."

"Where are we going to live next year? I know we haven't discussed it yet..."

I blew out a breath of relief. I never wanted to mention it because I didn't know if Natalie wanted to live with me again or if she wanted to take things to the next level with Gaz since they'd rapidly become 'love's young dream'.

"I don't know, do you want to do the same again, or did you have other plans?"

"Like what? Who else do I like enough to put up with their mess?"

"Oh, haha. Like you're such a dream to live with. Well, I'm glad. Let's definitely do this again. It's the biggie, isn't it, the third year? We're gunna be miserable bitches just trying to struggle on through! Shall we sort it out over the summer again?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll take a look online." She glanced around at the sheer mess surrounding her. "Will you help me get all this in some form of order? My dad will be here to pick me up soon, I don't want him to yell because I'm not organised again."

"Sure, why not."

It seemed to take hours to get Natalie organised, much longer than it took to get all my stuff together but thankfully we just about had it done by the time her father turned up. I had my own car to get me back, so it didn't matter what time I went and I was happy to see my friend off.

"I know we said it last summer and didn't quite make it, but let's make sure we definitely do this time. Let's meet up and hang out. No excuses, okay?"

I chuckled, knowing despite our best intentions it probably wouldn't happen. We didn't live too far away, but somehow the knowledge it'd only be a couple of months until we were back together anyway kept us apart. She'd want to see Gaz this summer too, I couldn't imagine them spending all that time apart without getting serious withdrawals. Still, if we both put in some effort it might actually happen. It was worth a try at least!

"Let's do it."

After helping Natalie to the car, we embraced and said our final goodbye. There was a strong sense of relief as we turned our back on uni for now, it hadn't been the easiest of years, we both needed some time away. Luckily, we ended the year on a high which was a positive. If things were still as difficult now as they had been earlier on then there might've been a little bit of temptation not to come back at all. Even for me!

Watching Natalie drive away and knowing I'd soon be doing the same made me oddly nostalgic. We'd spent so long trying to get by we hadn't much considered the ups and downs along the way. It'd been a rollercoaster, particularly with Scott.

"Not left yet, Jaymeson?"

Had I conjured him up just by thinking about him? I hadn't even noticed his car pulling up outside the house, or him climbing out of it. Maybe my sensitivity to everything Scott wasn't as prominent as it used to be. That had to be a good thing, another sign I was slowly but surely getting over him.

"Still here. Why haven't you gone, Albert?"

"Thought I better come and say goodbye to my bestie before I leave. I don't know how I'll cope without seeing you for all that time."

"I'm sure you'll survive. You did last summer if I remember." I nudged him playfully, knocking him off his feet a little bit. "Isn't it great we're in such a good place now we can joke about it all."

We weren't really. After that much too close moment in the laundry room where we'd both nearly had enough to drink to actually act on our feelings, it remained strained, but I figured humour was the only way we'd have a hope in hell of overcoming that. We were better as friends, it made life so much easier. I couldn't see the point in over complicating things for another second longer.

If we'd caved to that 'almost' moment, if either one of us had leaned in, it would've been a mess. Thankfully one of us—and I'm not totally sure which one—had the sense to pull away. It may've even been both of us.

"If you say so." Admittedly he didn't look convinced."Do you have to go right away or do you have time for some lunch? I was thinking of getting something to eat, I don't think I can face my family on an empty stomach."

I grinned and glanced at my watch. "That sounds awesome, you know me, I'm not one to pass up on the opportunity for food. Especially if you're buying."

"I suppose I can treat you." His hand went on his hip again and I linked mine through it. "But just know you'll be bleeding me dry of my very last penny. I might even have to get a job over the summer."

"Shock horror. Scott Albert, working. Stop the presses."I clutched my hand to my chest. "What do you think you'll do? Didn't you do some work for a local theatre group last year? Might you do that again?"

"Erm, no." The speed at which he shot me down was too intriguing for words. I stared at him with narrowed eyes until he chose to explain. "That's where I reconnected with Kat."

Oh. I probably asked for that with my digging. Again, it was up to me to make things right. Not because it was me who decided it was wise to date someone else, but because I did all the avoiding.Will he end up with Kat again? Do I even mind? I certainly didn't intend to spend the whole summer torturing myself over the though the might.

"Probably not that then! Maybe you'll just have to work in a supermarket like the rest of us mere mortals. I tell you, that beep, beep, beep of food going through the scanner is such a relaxing sound after a while."

"I think I might just have to trust you on one. I'm not the sort of person who can tackle a customer facing job without going insane."

"Hmm, yeah...you are very unpleasant!"

It wasn't long until we arrived at a nearby, very cheap, café and we ordered some sandwiches.Nothing fancy, not the sort we'd purchase when our student loan first came in but didn't matter. The company more than made up for the cardboard-style food.

"I don't know what I'm going to do over the summer actually," Scott mused, seamlessly continuing our conversation. "A whole lot of soul searching, I think."

I wasn't sure why, but this created a thick lump in my throat. My emotions sensed this might be something to do with me and I wasn't totally convinced I wanted to hear it. We didn't have deep conversations anymore, keeping things superficial was absolutely key. I didn't want things to sour just before we left for months.

"Yeah? What do you think you might find in that soul of yours?"

"First off, I'm hoping I have a soul at all." A sound flew out of his mouth. Maybe it was supposed to be a laugh, but it was much too strangled. "Then I guess I want to figure out where I've gone so wrong in life."

Hot tears bubbled behind my eyes, all the positivity zapped from my body in an instant. The fight or flight part of me needed to take off at the speed of light, but I couldn't cave to without looking like a complete and utter idiot. Unfortunately, Scott had me pinned with food so I had to hear him out.

"What...what do you mean, wrong?"

He shrugged and fixed his eyes on his feet, refusing to meet my gaze.That was good, it allowed me to examine him without being studied right back. I didn't like being watched, it freaked me out. I didn't have hundreds of secrets, but the deep loving feelings I harboured for Scott threatened to implode everything.

"I've done all sorts wrong if I think about it, I've made many mistakes along the way." I'd never heard him sound so devastated."Maybe they only seem so huge because we're in university at the moment. I know it feels separate from the rest of the world, but I need to work out why I've screwed up so many times."

"Do you mean with work?"I needed to know exactly what the issue was if I had a hope in hell of giving him any advice. Not that I was in a position to do so. I didn't know what I was doing with my life either, I just wasn't worrying about it yet. "Or something else."

There it was, that searching look he often gave me. I couldn't read too much into it again, not without losing my head somewhere along the way. This was the exact reason keeping things superficial made both our lives easier. Too much history, even if the only thing to really happen was one kiss, that would destroy us if we weren't careful.

"I don't mean with work. I mean with you."

My heart fell into my shoes, my blood ran cold, and my entire body encased in a heavy block of ice. Why were we here again? Why couldn't things just be straightforward? At least on the surface.

"I thought things were good between me and you."

"Oh, they are. Things are good, they just aren't what I want them to be and I know that's my fault. I guess I just want to work out my mistakes so I won't ever make them again. You know, next time."

Next time. I let those words sink in and curl around my organs, squeezing all the air out my lungs. The next time wouldn't be with me, I was simply the learning curve. The next time would probably be 'the one'. I just hoped that happened at a time when I wasn't around to see it. Our friendship maintained on a gossamer-thin thread, Scott falling in love with another girl would crush that. Even the thought of it made my heart ache.

"Oh right." Was that me speaking? It sort of sounded like my voice but the pressure was very real. "Yeah, well I suppose that might be wise if you...you know, whatever. Yeah, erm, soul-searching. Good idea."

Scott paused for a moment as if he wanted me to finish my sentence but there weren't any more words. That was it, all I had. It looked like my ridiculous confused answer would have to get us through the summer which was starting to feel longer by the minute...
Eleven

September 2012

Having not heard from anyone the entirety of summer, I couldn't wait to get back to uni life. Well, that maybe was a slight exaggeration, I had been texting Natalie and Scott, but it wasn't the same as seeing them. Especially since this would be our last time, our final year, the hardest one, and after that, we'd be spit out into the real world. Life would finally begin.

I couldn't bear to think about that right now, I just needed to get my head down for a little while longer.

"Hey, Natalie," I grinned as I burst through the door. "It's freaking amazing to see you again!"

She didn't look like she felt the same way. With her down turned mouth and red-rimmed eyes, it appeared she'd been crying. All her stuff scattered around in a mess, which on its own wouldn't trouble me, but with everything else,it looked like something tragic had happened.

"Oh my god, what's going on?" I dropped all my things and raced to her side. "Why are you crying? What have I missed?"

"It's Gaz." She burst out into a fresh round of tears and crashed against my chest. "I can't believe it. It's horrible."

What has that idiot done?

My brain immediately tried to pinpoint what awful thing might've occurred during the summer months. All looked good in their social media posts, but I knew as well as everyone else the truth never made its way to the Internet.

It took me a while to actually calm Natalie enough down to hear the full story and when I got it out of her it stunned me. I jumped to conclusions far too quickly.

"I broke up with Gaz and I feel horrible about it."She sniffed and wiped her nose on her sleeve. "I just...over the summer I started to realise everything wasn't right. I knew it wasn't going to last long-term so I figured why not end it now to save dragging it out for another year, just because we're in the same place."

"You broke up?" I couldn't believe it. I assumed she was about to revealed he'd cheated or something. "You dumped him today?"

"Yeah, I had to." She shrugged as if it was obvious. "We're in our last year of uni, we need to start thinking about the future, don't we? Soon we'll be moving away from here and starting our real lives. I know me and Gaz have different directions in life so what's the point?"

Her wise words cut deep. She was so much smarter than me when it came to real life. I needed to pull my head out my backside and start thinking smarter too. I'd been all for burying my head in the sand, but clearly,that wasn't the right attitude.

"Yeah, that seems sensible."I gulped noisily. "I take it he didn't accept it well?"

She shook her head and wept again. Maybe if he took the same attitude as me then the break up came as a massive shock. I liked Gaz well enough but I didn't see him as much of a forward thinker. He lived for the moment, and in this moment, he loved Natalie.

I could relate to that painfully well.

I needed to change the subject and fast before Natalie's sobbing became irrevocable."So erm, what do you think you're going to do after uni?"

She straightened up and stared right at me, knowledge filling her eyes. "I'm going to be a youth worker. I did some work experience over the summer and I loved it. That's what I want. I think I want to do it in London as well. I need to live in the capital for a while, see what life's like there."

"Oh wow, you really have a plan."Woah, that meant I needed to start concocting my own if I didn't want to be left behind. "That's really something."

"Am I a horrible person?" she whined, ignoring me completely. "Do you think I'm harsh for what I've done?"

"I think you're clever, You're smarter than the rest of us. You've done something brave and while Gaz might not appreciate that now, he'll soon see." I pulled her in for a hug before the warning fell out my mouth. "Just be prepared to see him with other girls because you know what guys are like with broken hearts, especially in a place like this where there are always people willing and able for a night of fun."

Natalie's voice became very small. "Do you really think that might happen?"

I knew it would, it was obvious. Standard rebound reaction. Natalie needed to know what she was letting herself in for if she intended to go out at all this year. Maybe we wouldn't have time to, there was a chance we'd have too much work to even think about partying this time around, but just in case,she needed to know how it'd be.

"Well, yeah but if he's ever out anywhere you are too, then we can just leave. You know I don't mind. It'll be fine."

"Okay, thank you. I appreciate that." She breathed deeply. "Do you know your phone's been ringing the entire time?"

"Oh right." I leapt up and pulled it from my bag. "Hang on a minute, it's Scott."

I moved into my very empty bedroom to take the call. I wasn't sure what Scott would want and I couldn't have a happy chat with him while Natalie fell apart. It didn't seem right.

"Hey, Scott. You here yet?"

"I've been here for a while. Didn't you get my text?" He didn't give me a chance to answer. "There's a party tonight, you in?"

"Erm." I glanced behind me, considering Natalie. She really didn't seem in the mood for any sort of night out if Gaz might be there. "I don't know if that's a good plan..."

"We aren't going to the student bar. This is going to be an actual decent night out with a meal and everything. We're adults now, not the kids we were two years ago."

I couldn't help laughing. "Oh right, because we've grown up so much. Who's gunna be there?"

He paused for a beat too long. "Okay, I might've sold it a bit on the whole 'party' thing. Really, it's just gunna be just my housemates and a couple of their girlfriends, nothing major. I don't know what everyone else is doing, but this is our plan. It wouldn't be the same without you."

"Yeah, I might be able to persuade Natalie to come, she isn't feeling too hot at the moment. Her and Gaz split up."

"They did?" he practically screamed. "Oh my god, I can't believe it!It's gunna be hard to persuade her, isn't it? I'll tell you what, I'll pop round before we go out so I can speak to her. Text me your address."

I'd probably be the better person to persuade her but Scott wouldn't hear it so I simply agreed and hung up. I thought I'd have a couple of minutes to warn Natalie of the onslaught about to come, but only one moment later a knock came at the door. I froze and listened out, expecting it to be another voice entirely, but as soon as I realised it was Scott I raced back into the living room.

"Hey there, neighbour!"He waved emphatically at me. "Looks like we live on the same road, that's convenient isn't it?"

Uh oh, there wouldn't be any avoiding him this year no matter what happened. My warnings to Natalie about seeing Gaz with other women suddenly applied to me too and I didn't like it one bit. Discomfort shuddered down my spine.

"Oh right, that's...."

"I'm here to persuade Natalie to come out tonight anyway."

That seemed to be my cue to leave so I grabbed some of my bags and hauled them into my room. I half-heartedly put my things away while eavesdropping as much as I could. From the small snippets of conversation I could pick up on, I gathered Scott was just about charming Natalie around to his way of thinking.

Maybe she was properly warming to him, finally.

Soon, Scott stood in my doorway, leaning up against the frame with a smirk on his face. "You, Jaymeson, better start sexying yourself up for tonight. Natalie's just gone to get ready."

"Wow, you do have a way with words. How did you manage it?"

"Oh, I just told her about my plan. At first, she was a little resistant but soon came around. Now, I think she's truly on board with it."

He wandered into my room and flopped on the bed as if he belonged there. I hadn't even sorted my bedding out yet so it was all just mattress, yet he managed to look too good for words as he spread across it.

He was pure torture. Always.

I turned away and continued to hang up my clothes, acting as if I wasn't bothered by his presence at all. "Oh yeah? And what's the big plan you have? Sounds interesting."

"It should do. It involves you."

I twisted to look at him with curiosity in my eyes. "Me? Why? What do I have to do?"

"You know how we had a chat just before the summer holidays about me doing some soul searching?"

"How could I forget?"

Anxiety brushed my heart. The last time we talked about this it was strange, it ended really weirdly, and wasn't something we'd discussed since. Why the hell would he bring that up now?

"Well, I did that. I searched my soul and I decided how to make things better for me in the future and I now know what to do."

Oh god, he had a girlfriend again, he was about to tell me he'd fallen in love or he'd gone even further and gotten married. I couldn't hack it, I could barely breathe already and he hadn't even said anything yet.

"Oh yeah, and what's that."

His smile grew bigger, he looked like he had a coat hanger between his lips they stretched so wide. My heart thundered painfully and my shaky legs struggled to hold me up. If only he wasn't on my bed I could be the one to collapse onto it!

"I'm going to make you fall in love with me."

What? Did he really just say that? No, it had to be my brain inventing things. It wasn't even words I wanted to hear anymore, I'd spent all the summer getting over him. Again. There was no way in hell this could still be a thing.

"I know you don't feel like me, and I'm aware that's my fault like I said before, but I'm going to make you see I am worthwhile."

This wasn't the time to start something new, not when everything rapidly moved towards the end of university. There was no way Scott couldn't see that. Had he gone insane?

"Trust me, Jaymeson, you'll be in love with me before you know it. I'm gunna make you mine."

Oh no, I was in trouble. I couldn't even look at him anymore, it was too much. My whole body lit on fire as he insisted I'd be his. It was almost as if he didn't realise that'd always been the case...
Twelve

October 2012

My head span all night long from those fateful words and continued to do so for the weeks that followed. I just couldn't believe it. After what Scott said to me I could barely meet his eyes, never mind fall in love with him. Or, you know more in love with him if my heart was still there. I honestly couldn't tell.

How could he just say something like that and not expect me to freak out? And how the hell could I concentrate on anything else when he raced through my mind more than ever before? I could hardly focus on my work which was a freaking nightmare since this was such a crucial time. I needed my head more than ever, and it was nowhere to be found.

I was a mess.

"Hey, Carlie!"

It didn't help I couldn't escape Scott either. Now him and Natalie had some sort of budding friendship, he spent most of his time at our home, purely to torture me. I couldn't get away wherever I was, which gave me no space to figure things out.

"Hey, Scott. How's it going?"

What the hell is wrong with me?

I watching him lying across our couch like this was his home too. His dark curly hair was a mess and he had low-hanging sweatpants on, yet somehow, he managed to look undeniably sexy. My pulse immediately kicked up a notch and a heat trickled down my stomach. It wasn't fair, he was temptation personified, crying out to me.

This is what I've wanted for so long...why am I holding back?

I couldn't understand it, I didn't know what was keeping me from falling headfirst into Scott's welcoming arms with a giant grin on my face. Not only had it made it obvious he wanted me, his new touchy-feely approach spoke volumes too; an arm brush here, a knee knock there, anything to show me he needed me to be his.

He'd hurt me before. I kept reminding myself of that. I had walls up to protect my heart because what the hell else did he expect? That, timed with the knowledge I really did need to worry about what came next, made it an impossible choice.

"You coming to watch TV with us?" Scott patted the seat next to him. "There's a horror movie marathon on in a minute, filled with all the top-quality films; The Blob Eats Dead Things, Strange Creatures from Outer Space, Screaming Vampires...that sort of thing."

"Are they even real films?" I raised one eyebrow doubtfully. "They sound awfully made up to me."

He shrugged and smirked. The crinkles around his eyes appeared making my heart race. That was a look I hadn't directly seen for far too long and it hooked me in. I clutched my books tighter to my chest and averted my eyes once more. I just couldn't see him, when I looked at him everything started to go horribly wrong. The world tilted on a brand-new axis and I couldn't keep straight however hard I tried.

"Who cares? That might as well be the titles. It'll be fun."

"Has Natalie agreed to watch these movies with you? They don't sound like her sort of thing at all."

"I'll admit, she was hesitant. In fact, I think her words were 'Do what you want, Albert, since you practically live here these days. I'm going in the shower.' Sounds almost like an agreement to me, am I right?"

"You're insane, that's what you are." I dropped my books on the small table which passed for a dining room and sighed, knowing I was defeated. "Fine, whatever. I suppose I can watch some awful movies with you for a bit, but..." I did need to put my foot down. "Not for long. I do have work, you know?"

Scott's face lit up like a Christmas tree. "Deal, whatever you want. I have work myself anyway. It's just you distracting me all the time."

"Me? Are you serious? I'm definitely the innocent one. You're the one who's constantly here."

"I know. But that's obviously because I'm in love with you."

Acid reflux shot through my body. I couldn't breathe, never mind swallow. It was moments like that when he just blurted out his feelings which threw me the most. I'd stuffed mine down, hidden them for far too long. I couldn't understand why he didn't have the severe temptation to do the same.

I shifted uncomfortably on the balls of my feet wondering how I should respond. Did Scott even want me to say anything, or was he content to just throw me off balance and leave me there?

"Ooh," he interjected, shattering the tension before I had to make a decision. "I have some popcorn at mine. I better go get it. We can't have a movie marathon without it."

"Not a movie marathon," I yelled at his back as he tore off at a ridiculous speed. "Just, like, one movie."

"He's gone?" Natalie commented idly from behind me. "I thought he was staying to watch some bad films or something."

I span on my heels to see her rubbing her hair dry with a towel. Intense heat radiated in my cheeks and it probably shone through my fiery gaze.

"Why do you keep letting him hang out here?" The accusation flew violently from my mouth, almost knocking Natalie backwards."What am I going to do about him? He's at my house all the time, I can't escape him and it's driving me crazy. He just keeps telling me he loves me and I don't know what to do about it." Anger welled. "I don't know how to make him stop."

"Do you even want him to stop?"Natalie's forehead screwed up in confusion. "I thought this was what you wanted? I thought you really loved Scott?"

"I did...I do...I don't know how I feel." I slumped onto the couch dejectedly. "I just don't know anymore, it's too much. It's overwhelming. Like, one minute I like him from afar and I have to keep my feelings a secret because he doesn't want a girlfriend, the next minute he has some other girlfriend..."

"That he's already admitted was a mistake."

"And now he's just being all open and honest with his feelings. It's too much of a turnaround."

"Hmm, open and honest. Just what no woman wants in a man ever."

"I know, I know." My head fell into my hands as despair became all of me. "I understand that, and I know it's what I've always wanted too. But it's too late, isn't it? This isn't the time to be starting new things, we should all be ending things like you were brave enough to do with Gaz." In the heat of the moment, I forgot this was still a bit of a sensitive subject. Especially since he'd taken to sleeping with other girls in their Sociology class who had no care for Natalie's feelings whatsoever. "We need to be looking to the future, not hanging about in the past."

"Babe." Natalie's hand started rubbing my back, and I actually found the gesture a little reassuring. "I think you and Scott are the future. I had to end things with Gaz because he isn't right for me, he isn't going to be the one I marry.I've things I need to do before I even think about settling for someone who—judging by his recent behaviour—was never going to be good enough for me anyway."

That crushed me, the wind zapped from my body as her words stung my heart.

"So, you're saying I should be with Scott because I don't have any future plans?"

"I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying I think you will marry Scott. I think he's your lobster."

"My lobster?Have you gone fully insane?"

"No, not insane, it's a thing. Your lobster...the person you're supposed to be with forever. I don't know why it's lobster, but that's what people say. Maybe lobsters mate for life or something." She shook out her blonde, wet hair, spraying me in the face. "Anyway, irrelevant. Scott's your one."

My brain played out a scenario where I fully embraced all the love Scott offered me. I imagined me and him really giving things a go. Despite the images flickering through my brain at a rapid pace, the effect on my body was slow. Like a rollercoaster. At first, I crept upwards, the anticipation building steadily, thrilling me. I metaphorically gripped onto the cold metal handlebar in front of me as I prepared myself for what was to come. My back straightened, my determination steeled, I got myself into a position where I was ready...

Then I fell.

I tumbled too hard, it hurt as I slipped swiftly, my head shook from side-to-side and I had to squeeze my eyes shut because I couldn't see anything anymore. My brain ached, my stomach churned roughly, the boiling hot blood pumped vigorously around my body way too hard and fast.

And then the end came, leaving me hollow, nauseous, and with nothing.

I wasn't ready for that.

"Natalie, please stay with us to watch the movie. Please. I don't think I can do this without you, it's too intense, I feel all messed up about it all."

"Really? You really feel this way?" I nodded desperately. "Fine, I'll stay with you for one movie, but soon enough you're going to have to work out what's going on. You need to make a decision when it comes to Scott. I know he hasn't always been great in the past, I'll be the first to admit that, but I don't think it's good to keep him hanging on either. He really does love you, you know, you're all he talks about. It's kinda infuriating. If you know for certain he isn't going to be the one, despite what I might believe, then you need to let him go. Don't leave him hanging on."

Setting him free was almost as painful as making him mine. Maybe even more so. In fact, definitely more so, but that didn't make my answer any clearer. Natalie was right, I hadn't exactly told Scott straight I didn't want him hanging around or I was never going to fall in love with him, and that was wrong of me. I knew better than anyone how much it hurt to be left on someone's hook, waiting to be reeled in. I didn't want to inflict any sort of agony.

"Okay, okay. I'll work it out, I promise, Natalie. Thank you for sticking with me. You're such a good friend."

"Just remember you owe me."

"Oh, I will. I won't forget,I promise..."

With that, the door swung back open and Scott waltzed in holding onto three bags of popcorn. He had no idea about the life-changing chat I'd just had with Natalie, just as much as I didn't know what I would do about it. It had to be something though, until I made my mind up we were both stuck in a limbo.

One way or another, my answer would set us free.
Thirteen

October 2012

"Aren't you glad you stuck around for the whole movie marathon?" Scott asked with a sly grin. The hours flew by without me even noticing, but I couldn't exactly put that down to the films. It was him and the deep, warm, comforting sensation he had cuddled around me. "It was awesome, right? The one about the monkey killer was definitely my favourite."

"You mean the one which disgusted Natalie so much, she actually left the house?" I stretched my arms high. "Yeah, real good that one."

I half wanted to send Scott away as soon as Natalie left, but by that time the panic had subsided and I'd slipped right back into the ease of just hanging out. For a moment it felt like all the other craziness hadn't ever happened and he was still just the boy I spotted across a bar, the one who asked me to help with his coursework.

That was easier, but of course, it couldn't last.

"So, what now? You got anything to drink around here?"

"Alcohol?"I scanned my eyes over the kitchen but couldn't see any evidence. "No, I don't think so."

"That's okay, I can make some hot drinks." He leapt up and flicked the kettle on. "You've got hot chocolate, right? You've always got hot chocolate."

"Yeah probably."

I knew it was time, the moment had come to really look at him and decide. I couldn't keep avoiding it and hoping my feelings would vanish, I couldn't keep Scott hanging on, or myself. I needed to make an informed choice which way our future would be. If I shut this down, there wouldn't be any going back. We couldn't do this dance forever, it was one way or the another. As scary as it was, the choice needed to be made.

"Which one was your favourite?"

"Hmm?" I got so lost in my thoughts I didn't notice he'd started talking to me. "Sorry, what did you say?"

"Where were you then? In some sort of dreamland? Planning your next novel?"

"Novel? What?" I shook my head, trying to clear my brain. "What are on about?"

"You do study English, right? You must write stories, surely. Or do you just sit around twiddling your thumbs?" He handed me my drink and gave me a curious look. "Are you alright, Carlie? You look like you're struggling with something."

I needed to say it, I had to say something but how could I when I had no idea what. A pounding sensation as my brain thumped against my skull left me almost deaf in both ears. I gulped, but the thick acidic ball was back, completely blocking my airways.

"I'm serious, Carlie?" Scott stiffened his back and knotted his eyebrow together. "What's going on?"

"I...I..." Nope, there were no words.

"Maybe booze would've been a better drink after all?"I tried to laugh at Scott's joke, but couldn't quite manage it. The noise was strangled, full of strain, almost painful to make. "It's been a weird thing between us, hasn't it? These three years."

"Technically two years. We're just getting into the third now."

"Right." Scott bobbed his head slowly. "Of course. It's only been two years. I guess it just feels like a whole lot more, doesn't it? Who would've thought when we first met on that fateful night we'd end up as jaded third years one day?"

I smiled to myself, recalling the moment I thought Scott was much older than me. I assumed he was about to leave uni just as I started of my journey.

"I guess I thought I'd have it all together by now, that I'd be more mature and I'd know what I was doing. But here I am...still as clueless as ever."

"That's just tragic, Jaymeson. You're twenty-years-old now. If you don't have it together by this age, then when will you?"

I giggled a more genuine sound. "I honestly feel like I'm the only one who doesn't. Even Natalie has a plan for where she's going next."

"I don't." Scott shrugged as if it was something which didn't even concern him. "Why do you need to know everything right now? That hardly makes any sense. We're in our final year of uni, shouldn't we just focus on living in the moment?"

Urgh, now he said it that way, that made sense instead. This was so hard. I needed to stop listening to everyone else and work out what I wanted to believe.

"I suppose so, I don't know. Isn't it a bit naïve though? What about if you leave and don't know what you're going to do?"

"So, what? Who cares? Does it matter? You can just figure it out then."

He edged a little closer causing my breath to hitch in my throat. I became acutely aware of every single inch of him, he prickled all over me. I coughed and leaned backwards but could still fell a pink heat touching my cheeks.

This is too much, this is too quick...what do I do?

"You must still want to do something in acting though, right?" I tried to keep the conversation light. "That's what you've always wanted."

"I dunno, maybe." His eyes glazed over, he seemed to be on a different planet for a moment. "That's what I always thought I wanted to do, but now I'm not so sure. The thing with drama is it can lend itself to any sort of career, a bit like English. You can do what you want, anywhere else in the world."

"You thinking about leaving the country?" If he planned to leave in less than a year's time, surely that made my choice? I didn't want to continue being an indecisive coward,but it'd help. "Is that your plan?"

"I don't know. I don't have a plan."

"Yeah, right, I see."

A thick silence clung to the air that neither of us seemed keen to fill. My eyes flicked over Scott's face while I really thought about his words. I took the pressure off by thinking about it as simply living in the moment. If I only considered right now I could actually allow the emotions to explode free in my stomach. I felt the love that'd been building ever since I first set eyes on Scott and I damn well enjoyed him feeling the same back for a change.

"You've got that thoughtful look on your face again." Scott leaned in closer so I could feel his breath tickling my lips. "What's going on inside that head of yours? Share your thoughts with your best friend, Scott."

"You aren't my best friend. Obviously, Natalie is."

"Are you kidding me?" Scott clutched his chest in mock horror. "Natalie? Over me? But I'm the best friend ever."

"Yeah, I'm sure..."

Scott brushed his hand against my thigh by mistake. A harsh bolt of electricity exploded just underneath my skin sending a loud gasp flying out my mouth.

"Did I hurt you?" Scott touched me again and I flinched. "Sorry, what have I done wrong?"

"No, nothing.Nothing like that. It's just..." I breathed deep a couple of times. "Sometimes it's kinda hard to be around you."

"Wow.I think that's the first time you've ever been honest with your feelings for me."

"What?" I almost screeched. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, you know what I mean.You've never actually told me how you feel. Just think about it, when I told you Freya wanted to go out with me, I could tell you didn't like it, but you said to go for it anyway. When I told you about my stupid commitment fears, you said nothing. When you learned about Kat, you went silent on me. When I told you I was going to make you fall in love with me..."

"I still didn't say anything."

Wow, that realisation hit hard. I really did say nothing. I knew I took a back seat, but having my past thrown in my face like that was truly shocking.

"And now you've said you find it hard to be around me...why?"

"Because..." I needed to keep on this honest journey, I had to try. "I don't know how I feel about you."

"Yes, you do. You do know. You do."

He was right, I did. I did know and I just needed to be brave enough. I took a big swig of my hot chocolate desperately wishing it was alcoholic, why didn't me and Natalie have anything stronger in? I would've if I'd known this conversation was coming around.

"Okay. I do."

"And..."

I hit him with a pillow. "Will you stop putting pressure on me? This isn't easy, you know?"

"It is.Look watch me do it. I love you, Carlie."

"You...you don't," I stammered uncomfortably as I shifted in my seat. "You can't love me. You can't know you love me."

"Jaymeson, I've known you for three, no two, years now. I know I love you. What I don't know is how you feel about me." He gave me a sheepish look. "Well, I think I do, but I want you to confirm it. I don't want to confuse things and make a real mess."

"I..."Just say it, for goodness sake. "I think I..."What is wrong with me? Scott can just say it, why can't I? "I just..."

Then Scott's lips collided with mine and he swallowed up the rest of my words. All the tortured looks, all the endless nights dreaming about what could be, all the hopes and dreams for a future which seemed impossible, they all came to life in that kiss making it the best one I'd ever had.

"Wow," I muttered against his lips as soon as we pulled apart. "You took the words right out of my mouth."

"I still need to hear you say it." His hands cupped my cheeks, he stared deep into my eyes. I swam in the pool of hazelnut before me, enjoying the warmth wrapping itself around me again. "It's only fair, you've heard me say it more than once."

"Okay." My breaths became sharp and short, I tried to centre myself, to focus. It was only words, nothing to worry about. Just a few syllables I needed to say. "I...feel the same way."

"Not good enough."

"I...like you."

"No, you don't."

His mouth remained so close to mine, his fingers bringing out a hypersensitivity in my cheeks, the butterflies which flapped in my stomach were almost big enough to be birds.

"I love you."

As soon as the words burst past my lips, a heavy weight flew off my shoulders, a tight knot loosened in my chest, I was free. Scott scooped me up in his arms and he kissed me with a deep-seated trust.Finally, we'd made it. There were still so many things to fear, so many ways it could all go wrong, yet in the heat of the moment, I didn't care about any of that.

I just cared about him.

"Come on." Scott stood and held out his hand to me.

"Where are we going?" I bit down on my bottom lip and allowed him to tug me to my feet. In my flushed, raw state I would've gone anywhere in the world with him.

"To your bedroom...if you want to?"

I didn't need to think about it, I already knew exactly what I wanted. It'd been a long time coming, but it was finally here.

"Yes.I'd like that a lot. Let's go."
Fourteen

January 2013

"How was your Christmas, babe?" Scott leaned across and kissed me on the mouth. "Did you have a good time?"

I didn't answer for a moment because I'd been briefly stunned by the ease of his actions. We'd been together for a couple of months, but the break apart meant I wasn't used to him acting more like my boyfriend than my friend.

"It wasn't bad actually. I'm sorry I didn't get to see you though, it sucks I was ill over New Year."

"I didn't come to the party here anyway. Without you, it seemed pointless." He kissed me again, almost as if he couldn't get enough. "Did you manage to get a lot of work done? I know you wanted to catch up."

"Yeah, I think so. Just about. I'm going to have to be better this term though, I can't fall behind again."

There was a definite warning in my tone, which really needed to be there. I enjoyed my time with Scott, it was everything I could've dreamed and more. I guess deep down, I assumed I'd spent so long daydreaming about this,the reality of us being together wouldn't be the same, but it was. It was better. We had chemistry, it was deep and passionate, easy too. Because we knew one another, it made it so much easier for us to just be. I loved every second of being Scott's girlfriend.

"Oh, for goodness sake,"Natalie's voice boomed from behind Scott. "Am I gunna have to watch you two dry humping each other all term again?"

"No, no," I chuckled while pulling away. "I promise."

"I make no such promise."

"Scott, will you stop it?" I gave him a little shove with a smirk. "Just behave yourself."

He immediately dragged me back to him and I rested my head against his chest. I could hear his a thumping beneath his woolly jumper so I remained where I stood just listening. My heart beat for him, and I liked to think his heart beat only for me as well.

"You won't have to worry about us tonight, anyway. I'm taking Carlie out on a date."

"You are?" I tilted my head to meet his eyes. "Where?"

"Well, we didn't have a Christmas, so I thought we could do it tonight."

My chest swelled with love. When I went Christmas shopping before the big day I actually picked out a gift for Scott, but I wasn't sure when I'd give it to him, or even if I would, but now he had this planned for us, it was the perfect opportunity.

"Oh, fair enough. What should I wear? What will we be doing?"

"I'm taking you out to dinner, but somewhere really nice, so wear your best dress."

My heart sunk, I wasn't sure I had a nice dress. Not one for a dinner date. Not that I'd ever been on a dinner date before.It seemed the sort of things proper adults did, not us. We went to the cinema or ice skating. Often, we went out for drinks, but it seemed Scott wanted to break the student mould to do something nice.

"I'll see what I have."

Scott pulled a box out of a plastic bag he had on the ground next to him and handed it to me. "Here, see if this helps."

"What..." I glanced down at it with curiosity in my eyes. "What's this?"

"Just take it into your bedroom to see." I got yet another kiss. The more used to us I became, the more I liked the feeling of his mouth against mine. "I'll swing by to pick you up at half seven, okay?"

"Yeah, alright then..."

I stared at him as he left, wondering what was going on. He'd been the perfect boyfriend ever since we changed our relationship status, and he got better every single day. Honestly, the perfection scared me a little. It was a lot to live up to and I wasn't sure I made the cut.

"What was that about?" Natalie laughed. "He's turned into such a soppy bastard since you got together. What's in the box?" Before I could protest, she snatched it and pulled it apart. "Oh my god, it's actually a dress. What a cheese-fest."

"A dress?" I couldn't get out anything more than a whisper. "What do you mean?"

"Like, a super nice, probably really expensive dress."

She rolled it out and I gasped loudly. The black, silky-like material which looked like it'd reach just past my knees was the nicest thing I'd ever owned. I hadn't even put it on yet and I figured it'd fit like a glove. It had to cost a lot, I couldn't understand how Scott could afford it.

"It's stunning." I ran my fingers down it. "But it's too much. I have to tell him to take it back. It must've cost a fortune."

"Are you kidding?This is amazing, you definitely have to wear it. Plus, Scott obviously wanted to do something nice for you. You shouldn't throw it back in his face."

"I'm not throwing anything back if it's for his own good..."

I honestly didn't want to take something from him that'd leave him in financial difficulty. Surely that didn't make me a bad person?

"Carlie," Natalie's tone turned sharp. "You've turned Scott into some sort of romantic. I don't know how you've managed it, but you need to embrace it. You've basically got the guy every girl wants, he tells you how he feels all the time, he buys you gifts, and takes you on romantic nights out. Don't throw that away."

I pressed the dress up against my body, liking it way too much for someone who thought it better to send it away. It made me feel like a goddess already, I could only imagine that increasing when I had it on.

"Yeah, I suppose. Maybe you're right. I should just go put the dress on...see what it looks like."

"Of course, you should." Natalie shoved me towards my bedroom. "Go on, I'm desperate to see it on."

As I practically fell into my room, I considered how perfect Scott was once more. I felt him giving me everything, and I wasn't sure he got as much back from me. My walls had tumbled down, I'd allowed him in and I trusted him with everything, but would he consider me the perfect girlfriend?

If not, how could I become that person because I really wanted to be everything he desired too...

***

"I cannot believe you arranged all of this,"I smiled lovingly at Scott as the candlelight flickered between us. "It's honestly too much."

"Well, like I said, I wanted to arrange something nice for you since it was so stressful with deadlines before the holidays and we didn't get to see each other at Christmas. I'm glad I got you that dress as well, it looks even better than I thought it would."

"Did you actually get this by yourself? Without any help?"

"You got this jumper on your own, is it really so unbelievable I could do the same?" I gave him a look to hint it really was unbelievable. "Fine," he caved throwing his hands in the air in defeat. "My mum helped me, is that really what you want to know?"

"Your mum?" I couldn't believe it. I hadn't told my mum anything about Scott. Not because I was embarrassed or anything, but because I preferred to keep my two lives separate. "You told your mum about me?"

"Of course. I told her about you ages ago. Why wouldn't I?"

"Erm, yeah...I don't know."

Why hadn't I mentioned my relationship to anyone over Christmas? It wasn't like I saw Scott as a delicious secret I only wanted to keep for myself, he was my fully-fledged boyfriend, we were together, this was real.

Well, it was real in university.

Maybe I just wasn't convinced it wouldn't make it past uni. I kept telling myself we were living in the moment, not worrying about what would happen next, but it was always there in the back of my mind reminding me this might not be forever. However, much I wanted it to be.

"Oh, actually,I've got something else for you." Scott stood and reached into the pocket of his trousers. "I almost forgot with all the lovely gourmet food—don't get used to that by the way, we'll all be back to noodles before you know it—ah, here it is!"

He handed me a much smaller box this time, which had my heart thumping wildly. Now Scott was in this with me, he'd dived in with both feet. He'd given up his fear of commitment in a very big way.

He wasn't about to take one step further, was he?

"What's this?" I rasped quietly. "You got me the dress. You can't have something else for me. You can't afford it."

"Don't you worry about money, I wouldn't spend it if I didn't have it, and of course I can get you more than one thing. You deserve it after all."

"I...I do?"

"Will you just open it already? You're killing me here!"

"Yeah, of course, I will." My voice sounded as hollow as my chest, I didn't know how to take this at all. I was lucky, I hadn't forgotten that, but the pressure to be better myself was back, weighing down upon me. "Thank you, Scott."

I peeled back the top of the box and a glint of silver caught my eye. Jewellery, it was definitely jewellery, what would I do? I glanced up at Scott who gave me an encouraging nod, forcing me to continue.

"Oh, my goodness, this is...it's amazing."

I pulled out a bracelet. A thin silver chain with small little star pendants dotted along it. It was sweet, small, but elegant too. I absolutely loved it.

"I just saw it and thought of you," Scott told me while pulling it from the box. "I don't know why, but it just screamed Carlie to me. Here, let me fix it on you."

As he slipped it over my wrist, I couldn't keep my eyes off him. With every passing second, he got even better. I hadn't ever fantasised about the man I wanted to marry or who I planned on spending the rest of my life with, but if I ever had surely, it'd be someone just like this. Someone I had a magnetic attraction to, someone who was thoughtful, someone I shared a friendship with, someone I loved...

But, being really practical, could we make it last such a long time? The people we were now, barely out of our teens, we wouldn't be in ten or twenty years' time. What if it didn't work then? I knew I kept putting far too much pressure on this, and I really wasn't living in the moment anymore, but I couldn't help it.

With Scott, the pressure to make it last forever was utterly immense. I probably put it there myself because of how long I'd wanted him, but that didn't matter. However,the strain arrived, it wasn't keen to leave. I couldn't shake it off.

I couldn't give up perfection, but I couldn't be that perfect myself either. Not forever.

What was I going to do?
Fifteen

February 2013

"Oh my god, you're so lucky!" Millie, one of the girls in my English class who I'd not spoken to much to before, declared, almost with frustration. "Not only is Scott the best-looking guy here, but he's sweet too. How long have you been together now? Like, a lifetime, right?"

"Erm, yeah I know. He's great." I nodded awkwardly. I didn't matter how long we'd been dating, I couldn't get used to the attention we attracted. It was overwhelming at times.His popularity overshadowed mine by a lot, which apparently made us fascinating. I wasn't used to being quite so seen. "We've been together four months. Not quite a lifetime."

"It is when you're at uni! I don't know anyone who lasts."

She ran her eyes up and down me, the criticism shining through. Millie didn't ask what the hell someone so amazing was doing with me, but I felt the implication. It wasn't the first time either, I'd actually grown accustomed to that look.

Even if it destroyed me.

"So, four months, huh? That's wild. And you're, like, legit? Because my friend, Freya, was saying..."

"Freya?" I snapped into high alert. "Freya Matthews?"

"Yeah, she said she wanted him back. She's super gorgeous, isn't she?"

Okay, this was definitely the worst one I'd had. This wasn't just a suggestion Scott was too good for me, but an outright declaration of it. Like a threat of war. No one could make me less aware of my perfection than Freya.

"They weren't really together though, were they?"

My timid voice made Millie smile. This had to be the reaction she wanted. "Oh, you know Freya. She's never really 'with' anyone."

They didn't have sex, not as far as I knew. It didn't get that far. Scott told me as much... didn't he?

My blood boiled, it burned inside me making the freezing snake of panic coiling through my intestines that much more obvious. I clutched onto my belly, willing it away. Showing vulnerability wouldn't help my case.

"I'm sure it won't matter anyway." Millie flipped her hair over her shoulder. "If you're, like, all secure in your relationship then what does it matter what Freya wants?"

Secure. That was a joke. I hadn't been secure from minute one, and with Freya breathing down my next like a terrifying storm cloud threatening to rip a tornado through us at any given moment, I had no hope.

I wasn't sure I could survive this.

"Erm, yeah sure." I smiled thinly and fixed my eyes downwards. "Like you said, four months is a long time. I don't think Scott's going anywhere."

I wished I could feel as positive as my words, especially when Millie's face fell, but I couldn't even feel one bolt of satisfaction. If everyone else could see how incompatible me and Scott were, how long would it take him?

He had to know he was wonderful, he had to see how incredibly he treated me, how damn perfect a boyfriend he'd been. Scott must've known I didn't deserve it.

"Yeah," Millie grumbled. Her arms folded defensively across her chest, "I suppose he'd be gone already. I know I would be if Freya wanted me."

"Well, it is what it is." I shrugged, hopefully acting blasé. "So, I'm not worried."

But Millie couldn't let it go. "It's not just Freya. It's everyone."

My chest tightened, I couldn't get enough air in however hard I tried. My fingers clutched at my top, trying to pull it away, but of course, that made no difference. My clothing wasn't too tight, it was panic consuming me. My lungs squeezed, the were flat in my chest, if I didn't fill them soon I'd die.

"Everyone?"

"Yeah, why do you need a list or something?" Her laugh was so nasty. "There's Becky, Helen, Kelly..."

My head pounded, sickness swirled, my vision blurred. I bolted upright and grabbed my bag with shaky fingers. I couldn't think straight, my brain danced everywhere, the walls closed in on me...

"What are you doing?" Millie managed to sound disgusted and bemused. "Lecture is about to begin."

"I...I have to go. I have other places I need to be."

"Where the hell can you need to be at class time?"

But I didn't stick around long enough to answer her. I bolted towards the door needing air and lots of it. This classroom, the people in it, in fact, everyone at university was ruining me. If I didn't get a second away from it soon it'd swallow me up whole.

It was what'd happen when it spat me out again that troubled me. Could I survive? Could we? Were me and Scott headed towards a crash soon, an explosion that'd tear us apart? Could everyone see it but us?

The more time that passed, the clearer it seemed we could be headed for failure here. Wanting it and loving one another...it might not be enough.

***

"He's so perfect, isn't he?" I sighed loudly, even Natalie was at it.I couldn't seem to escape the Scott admiration, even in my own home. "I mean, look at this bunch of flowers. It's lovely. I don't know any guy our age that buys flowers, especially when it isn't even Valentine's Day yet. You are going to be so spoiled then!Normally, us girls are lucky to get a drink. And it isn't just the flowers, is it? Scott gets you gifts all the time. Urgh, I want gifts."

"Yeah." Hot tears balled behind my eyes. I feared they might fall. "I know. He's...great."

"You must be so happy to finally be together."She sighed and flopped on the couch. "I know I wasn't too keen at the start, but you know why that was. All the game playing and stuff. The other girls...but he's really proven himself now."

"Mmm." I didn't trust myself to speak. The noise would have to be enough.

"All of that's long in the past now. Even when we're in the middle of a bar or whatever, when all the girls are fawning over him, practically throwing themselves at him, he only has eyes for you. It's freaking adorable."

"Right." I nodded slowly. Why wasn't I more excited about this? She was right, he'd always been the perfect gentleman, much nicer than the other guys I knew.

"The way he looks at you too...oh, it's great. I'm so jealous."

She clutched her chest dramatically and mock swooned. I let out a giggle but it was tinny and fake. Natalie had to see through it.

But she didn't.

"You two are going to be the ones who make it last. You'll defy everyone."

I wanted to admit my fears, my self-doubt, my desire to tear everything apart before it crumbled, but Natalie wouldn't understand. Not only was she kickass with a ton of self-confidence, she saw something in me and Scott that no one could.

Least of all me.

"You saw how amazing he was first, I'll give you that." She pointed and smirked at me. "You could see what I couldn't. But I see it now."

I jangled the bracelet on my wrist, loving the twinkling stars. I did this all the time when things felt tough—a sensation I experienced far more than I should—and I thought about the first date we shared. Everything should've felt amazing then, but I was already slipping into this sensation. The feeling I wasn't good enough.

Again, I was the one to see it first. Everyone else had been catching up.

I wanted to simply enjoy Scott the way I did the bracelet, but right now that wasn't possible. I wouldn't let myself, nor would anyone else. They continually reminded me he was so much more.That really left me with only two choices. Either I gave up and slipped away, I sacrificed the most amazing relationship I'd ever had and I let him go to please everyone else. Or, I gave it everything I had. I fought Freya and the other girls to the bitter end by being the best girlfriend ever. I'd put him first, before absolutely everything else, and become the person he deserved, focus on being the perfect person he deserved. I'd let Scott and the rest of the world know that I was right for him after all.

The idea of clinging onto him made me much happier than the one where I let him go. That was the one I wanted, so I gripped onto it with my heart and smiled at my friend.

"Yeah, Scott is everything. I hope we do make it last. He's the one for me."

"You really do have it together, Carlie, I'm so jealous of you, I'm not just saying it."

"You jealous of me?"My eyebrows knotted together in confusion. "That's insane."

"Of course I am. You have the grades, the guy, the future...you'll be the one to make the most of life. The rest of us...we're just trailing behind, trying to make it work. You should be proud of yourself."

Maybe I wasn't right now, but I would. I'd have everything in the end. My future was going to be amazing, just like Natalie suggested, and now I'd decided to take an active part in it, I couldn't wait.
Sixteen

May 2013

I slammed the door behind me so hard the whole house shook. Intense fury pumped through my veins causing a red mist to descend. I couldn't see anything properly, my brain darted everywhere. All I could feel was rage.

"Woah, what happened?" Natalie sounded a little terrified, as if I'd grown a monster head and turned green. "Is everything okay?"

"It's this godforsaken paper." I slammed it down on the table. "I sucked so hard at it, I got such a bad grade and there's nothing I can do to change it." I paced the room as the words flew out of my mouth faster than bullets. "I spoke to the professor and he's adamant that's it. There's nothing I can do. It is what it is, and that's that, despite the fact it might bring down my whole grade for the most important year."My fingers raked through my hair. "You know what this means? It means I'll have to work even harder on my dissertation as if I'm not already stressed out enough about that..."

"Okay, first off, whoa again," Natalie interrupted. "I think what you need to do is take a seat, calm down a little and we can talk this through properly."

"I can't calm down." I shook my head hard. "I can't. This is...urgh, it's terrible. I feel like I've messed everything up."

Completely out the blue, a cold tear splashed on my chest. I was a complete and utter failure, I didn't want everything to fall apart now when we were so close to the end. I came to university full of expectations and dreams, all of which included passing my degree so I could use my qualification to take me places. I'd been predicted the best grades. This changed that.

"How did you mess it up? I can't understand it, you always do so well with everything..."

"Because I haven't exactly been focused, have I? I've spent more time messing around with Scott than actually doing work, and now I'm going to pay the price for that."

Natalie didn't say anything and I couldn't tell what she thought from her expression either. She kept her face totally blank. I was overwhelmed once more by the idea things between me and Scott were fleeting, and I shouldn't throw everything away for it. Maybe if we'd been together since the first year and we actually had some plan for afterwards, I wouldn't feel that way, but we'd been playing it by ear leaving me with no reassurances.

"You know what, I can't sit around here bitching about this." I tossed my hands in the air in a defeated gesture. "I can't stop what's happened in the past, but I can make the future better."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to leave my phone out here." I threw it on the table as if it was to blame. "And I'm going to lock myself in my bedroom to work on the rest of this project. Maybe I can make up for this one royal screw up by making my dissertation so much better. If I ignore everyone, if I block out the world for just a little while, then maybe I can salvage things. I have to try to sort this out...

"Hi, guys!"

At that exact moment, I was interrupted by the one person I wanted to hear from least in the world. I loved Scott desperately, but it was that love which put me in this mess in the first place. If I hadn't been so concerned with him and trying to be the perfect girlfriend he deserved, so everyone else could see that I deserved him, I wouldn't have screwed up. If I hadn't focused so much energy on the damn future I probably didn't even have with him, then all would be fine.

I inexplicably hated him with everything I had.

"You," I growled as I span on my heels. "This is all because of you."

"I've got to go!" Natalie grabbed her keys and bounced to her feet, racing from the apartment at the speed of light. She could sense the storm coming, even if Scott couldn't.

"Where's she off in such a hurry?" he asked breezily. "And what's up with you? You look like you have a sour sweet in your mouth. You still up for coming out with me this afternoon?"

A boiling hot, bitter-tasting rage bubbled in my stomach. My throat burned, my lips tingled, my intestines coiled painfully around my lungs squeezing all the air out of them as my mind tumbled back over everything just happened.

How did I let things get so bad?

"I'm not going anywhere with you," I spat back. "You got me into this mess."

"What mess?"

His unbothered face troubled me deeply. Couldn't he see the trauma I suffered? Not so perfect after all, I thought spitefully to myself.

"I'm failing." My arms folded defensively across my chest. "I've failed on my latest paper and that's because I've spent so much time with you. Last year I was so dedicated, I focused everything on trying to succeed and now...now I'm with you all the time."

All the colour drained from Scott's face, I could almost see the ice-cold fear creeping through his veins. He seemed certain this conversation would only go one way, but I honestly hadn't planned an outcome.

"What do you mean, you failed?"

"I didn't pass this paper, I screwed up, and before you suggest I go see the professor, I already have. There's nothing I can do about it. It's done." Much to my sheer annoyance, the tears came back. "I just have to work so much harder on everything else I do from now on." I gave him a defiant stare, daring him to make another suggestion. "So, I need to shut the world out until I can improve my grade."

"What do you mean by that?"

His voice was a whisper. I almost felt bad for him.

Almost.

"I mean no hanging out, no texting, no going online, just work. That's all."

Scott took a step away as if he feared being in the same room as me. Him and Natalie both.

"For how long?"

I breathed out a sigh of something that should've been relief but wasn't quite that. "I don't know how long. Until I make things better."

"Right, right. I see. And because I'm the problem I presume I can't see you during this time." I froze still, completely unable to acknowledge him. "So, despite the fact you've been growing increasingly distant from me since Christmas, which I haven't mentioned once because I presumed it was down to stress, now I have to take another step back from you?"

"Increasingly distant?" I shook my head as I recognised I focused on the wrong thing. "You know what?I've been stressed and I'm sorry if you got caught in the crossfire, that wasn't ever my intention. I just...I can't be everything."

"Everything? What do you mean everything?"

"I mean the perfect student, the girl with the plan, a good friend..." I flapped my hands towards him in a half-hearted gesture. "The perfect girlfriend."

"The perfect girlfriend." Scott sounded stunned to the core. "What is that all about? I don't want you to be the perfect anything. I just want you to be mine."

"You're too perfect," I burst out like an accusatory firework going off accidentally. "It makes me feel like I need to be perfect too. That's probably why it won't last and why I haven't told anyone about you. I'm trying my hardest to be there whenever you want me, to look nice so everyone else doesn't think you're too good for me, to...to...act like I think I should act."

He retreated further and I got the impression I'd gone too far. I didn't want to hurt Scott, I just wanted him to hear things from my point of view for once.

"I'm sorry," I finished softly. "You want me to be honest, so this is me telling you the truth."

"And the truth is you feel so pressured by me you can't stand me? You feel so stressed out because of me you're failing your course, you don't even act like yourself most of the time we're together, and you're too ashamed to even tell people about us? I guess your mum doesn't know, then?"

"I didn't see the point of telling her because I don't know if we're going to last or not."

"So, what is all of this then? What are we doing?" Scott's face turned red, his breaths fell out of his mouth all angry and panting. "What's the point?"

"You tell me!"The time had come to stop fighting, yet somehow,that didn't happen. It was like a switch had flicked inside me and all self-control had gone. "You're all about living in the moment and not worrying about the future."

"That doesn't mean I don't want to be with you forever. The only reason I didn't discuss the future is because, ironically, I didn't want to put too much pressure on you. Funny. If I'd known what was really going on, I wouldn't have worried myself. If I'd known that your insecurities were going to make you insane, perhaps I would've walked away sooner."

All I wanted to do was scream and shout, to let out some of the frustration which had me breathless, but I didn't have the energy. I was emotionally drained, I didn't have anything left to offer the world. It took everything I had just to keep on going. Even my eyelids felt dangerously heavy.

I needed to get away, I couldn't hack it any longer.

"Maybe you should just go, Scott," I declared coldly. "Maybe we should take a break from all this."

"Oh, hell no! If this is over, it's over. I'm not being messed about by you any longer."

"You are the one who dated someone else."

"If you've forgiven me for that you cannot throw it in my face again. You do know that, don't you? It's an unwritten rule."

I couldn't think straight, he had me a damn hot mess. Everything came to blows all at once and I couldn't handle it.

"Screw you and your stupid rules. They're utter rubbish. You want to end this because I need you to leave? Fine, we obviously didn't mean anything to you anyway."

"Didn't mean anything?" He ran his trembling fingers through his hair. "Are you actually kidding me?"

I couldn't listen it anymore, I didn't want to hear what me and him meant. The pressure was too much, it'd been weighing heavily on me for far too long. I just needed to escape. Clearly, I couldn't have it all, I'd proven that much, so I needed to make a firm decision.

Only, it didn't feel like I had any options.There was one thing I needed to do and another I wanted.I had to sacrifice one

"I have to go." I pushed past Scott and knocked him out my way. "I can't do this anymore. It's too much."

"Carlie, wait..." he cried after me, but I couldn't stop. I needed to go, I had to get out. I wanted to drive and drive until I couldn't go anymore while pondering how I'd managed to fail in every single way.

I didn't even have a destination in mind, I just needed to drive...
Seventeen

June 2018

"Scott?" I twisted and turned in the uncomfortable bed. "Scott, are you there?" I desperately needed to apologise before everything got out of control. "Scott, I'm sorry."

But I didn't get anything back, which meant I needed to get my eyes open, however hard it'd be. I really didn't want to wake up today, even more so than usual. There was a heaviness to my eyes and a painful ache in my brain, a whole building site inside my skull, hammering away hard.

As I finally pried my eyelashes apart they instantly snapped closed again. It was white, far too bright to see anything.How the hell could I get my vision back when this room was so intense and everything hurt?

Actually, everything did hurt. It was agony. More than just my head, my entire body. I felt like I'd been in the middle of a boxing ring and I hadn't come out of it well. I racked my brain for a few moments trying to see what I could remember, but there wasn't anything there. I sensed a giant gap where I knew there should be something, but I had no idea what.

Where was I last? What do I remember? How am I hurt?

Nothing came to light. I'd have to try waking up again so I could figure it out. I pushed my eyes apart and made them to stay open, even when hot achy tears filled them. I used every ounce of strength inside me to keep awake while I found out what'd happened...but in the end, I only found myself with more questions than answers.

The white wasn't just bright lights, it was also the colour of the room. A pure white I definitely didn't recognise, I could've been anywhere. Nerves darted throughout me,urging me to find out where this was more than ever. If I didn't...well I had no idea what could happen to me.

I tried to prop onto my elbows so I could have a look around, but instantly noticed that wasn't easy. My muscles were heavy, aching, like I'd been drugged to fix me in place.

What the...?

I rattled as the unbridled panic took hold. Not remembering was bad enough but being stuck made it a million times worse. My chest constricted, I couldn't breathe.My brain tumbled into a tailspin as terror swallowed me whole.It became abundantly clear I definitely wasn't good in a crisis. I parted my lips, just about ready to scream, but before I managed to get any noise out, a kindly-sounding voice stopped me in my tracks.

"Are you okay there, miss?"

I couldn't quite tell where the voice came from, so I twisted my neck as much as I could until I spotted the other presence in the room. I couldn't see a face, just what appeared to be nurse's scrubs.

I'm in a hospital? Logically it made sense, but I wasn't exactly in a rational place. Why? What happened?

"Erm, pardon?" I croaked back with a red raw throat.

"I asked if you were okay." She moved closer so I could see her a little better, and the concern plastering her wrinkled face spoke volumes. "How do you feel?"

"Where am I?" Unfortunately, there wasn't any force in my voice. "What's going on?"

"Oh dear." The nurse took a seat beside me and stared into my eyes with nothing but sympathy. I almost wanted to squirm under the look, but the pain prevented me from doing so. "Do you not remember anything?" I pursed my lips tightly together which made her continue. "You were in a car accident; do you remember that?"

All of a sudden, little flashes popped into my brain; me screaming and swearing at Scott, the anger burning through me, the lights, the smashing sound...

"I think I do remember. I was in a temper because I'd just had an argument with my boyfriend and..."

I trailed off as she frowned. I had no idea what I'd said wrong.

"Boyfriend? Your mother was in here earlier but she didn't say anything about any boyfriend."

"My mother?" She was here...and she left? "I mean, I guess she doesn't know about Scott, so..."

"Scott, ah that makes a lot of sense! You've said Scott's name a few times while out. You must love him a lot."

My entire face burned. I couldn't believe I'd declared my love for Scott aloud while passed out.

"Maybe you should give him a call."The nurse moved across the room to grab a machine that quite frankly looked like a torture device."Your bag is on the side there, I can pass it to you if you like. I know your phone might not have any battery now after three days, but we can charge it."

I grabbed the bag from her with shaking fingers. Ever so slowly her words sunk in and bewildered me.

"Three days? I've been out for three days?" That explained Mum leaving. "I can't believe I've missed three whole days of my life."

I reached inside and felt around for my phone. As soon as I grasped something with a screen I could immediately feel it smashed. Maybe it got damaged in the car accident I could only vaguely remember happening.

"Oh God," I muttered, mostly to myself. "What a nightmare. Oh, hold on a minute." I held it out in front of my squinting eyes. "This isn't my phone. It isn't my bag either." I dropped it back inside like a hot potato. "There must've been a mistake. This doesn't belong to me."

"Oh, right." The nurse took it back and delved inside. Clearly, she didn't have the normal level of respect for personal belongings, but I suppose she had to work out who really owned it. Once she found that person I hoped she'd find my bag with them. The more time ticked past, the more I wanted to speak to someone I actually knew. "You're Carlie Jaymeson, right?"

"Oh, yes I am." I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. "Why?"

"This is your bag." She handed it back. "Your ID's in there."

"But it can't be, I'd recognise it."

When the nurse didn't answer,I dived in. Curiosity got the better of me,I needed to know more. How could my ID be in a bag I'd never seen before? I guess it made sense it'd be my phone smashed up since I'd had a crash, but everything else was off.

All the jigsaw pieces were there, I could feel them, I just didn't quite know how to fit them together.

"Oh yes, this is my stuff." I leaned in to look at the picture on my driver's licence.I barely looked like the person in the photo. She looked a lot older than me...but somehow it was still me. "It's a bit weird like I'm in some sort of a dream or something."

"Well, maybe it'll just take you a little while to adjust, that's all. Head trauma can lead to..."

"It says 2017!" I exclaimed, shocked."How did I renew this in the future?"

"Huh?" The nurse shot me a weird look as she wrapped the cuff of the blood pressure machine around my arm. "What do you mean? That's last year."

Last year...

But how could it be last year? I was at uni just a moment ago in 2013, I knew that much. I argued with Scott, we screamed at one another because I didn't think I could keep on going with the future looming over me...

Or was I?

Actually, the more I thought about it, the more distant that memory became. The years which came after that moment cleared a bit. There was still a fog giving it a nightmarish quality, but I sort of knew I had this other life. One without Scott or Natalie either.

"In the three days I've been in, have any friends come to see me?" I knew for a fact if Natalie was still around, she would've been by my side in a heartbeat. "Anyone at all, aside from my mother."

The nurse shook her head slowly with her eyes fixed on the screen of the blood pressure monitor. "Nope, no one else."

"Right."

I dropped my bag back on the side with my smashed phone inside. I couldn't use it to call anyone even if I wanted to, and now that five years of my life were very foggy I didn't know who I'd even ring.

"Okay, I'm going to take all this information now and communicate with a doctor, see what the next move is. Will you be alright? The call button is here so if you press it someone will be with you right away."

Desperation clawed, I wanted her to remain with me forever, or at least while I navigated this brand-new world. But I couldn't. She had work to do and to be honest it'd probably be much better for me to figure it out alone. I needed to lie back, close my eyes again, and work out exactly why the last five years felt like a big pit of nothingness with only meaningless fuzzy spots remaining. I must've finished university, that was the time where things were supposed to get exciting and new. Why couldn't I recall much of it?

"I'll be fine," I eventually replied quietly. "Thank you."

She handed me the call button, then left me in the room by myself, with only my unpleasant thoughts for company. The silence helped to bring tiny snippets, but none of the memories were quite connected to me in any real way. Not like when I recalled the horrific argument with Scott where I said some unforgivable things. I had a feeling it was the last time I ever really saw him too, which made me sick with guilt.

Why did I let things end on such bad terms? What happened to me? Where did it all go so very wrong?

Okay, so I had a job, I remembered the so-called high-flying career at a local newspaper but being a journalist didn't inspire me at all. Not like it should, which probably had something to do with living in a quiet place where no dramatic news happened. Nothing to stretch my writing skills anyway. Why didn't I ever want something else? I'd had five years to move on if I wasn't happy. The amazing grade which I'd prioritised over everything else obviously hadn't brought me everything I thought it would...

There was a lot of loneliness in my life too, that struck me through the fog. I didn't have friends. In work or out of it. All the other people in my office were from a different generation so I had nothing in common with them, not that I made much effort. Coming back to Cornwall didn't give me the chance to reconnect with any old friends either. They'd all long gone. Moved on to other things.

When I wasn't struggling through work, I was by myself in my small apartment. I'd trapped myself in a rut of my own making and I didn't know why. I'd circled myself in my misery, still waiting for my real life to begin.

As for a love life, well obviously that was a joke. Since Scott was the one in my brain when I thought I'd die, no one else had impacted on me more than him.

How had this become my life?

This sure as hell wasn't perfection. When did I give up on that ideal?

I couldn't believe I'd woken up from what seemed to be a pretty horrendous car crash, and that was the least of my worries. Everything else was so much messier, and seemingly completely unfixable.
Eighteen

June 2018

"I just can't do it," I whined to the much-too handsome man who found himself in the unfortunate position of being my physiotherapist. "My body doesn't move like that anymore."

He sighed loudly, clearly unimpressed by my behaviour. "You can do it, even if it hurts. It might not be easy but you need to try. The more you move the easier it'll become and the better your body will feel."

I sniffed angrily. "You don't understand, it isn't easy. Every single part of my body aches. It hurts like you wouldn't believe.Then you're trying to contort me in all kinds of inhuman ways. You're a monster."

"I'm not a monster." He tried the softer approach with me, which only got my back up further. "I'm actually trying to help you, would you believe."

I made an unimpressed noise, not wanting to hear that. I was at a point where I didn't think anything could help me. It'd been over a week since I woke up in the hospital and I realised my life was a shambles.I couldn't see how listening to this man would change that.

"Look, Carlie." He took a step back and placed his hands on his hips. "If you aren't going to put anything into this, you won't get anything out of it. It's as much about mental attitude, which I know isn't always easy, but giving up won't do you any good either. You have to try."

"Oh, well if you need a positive mental attitude then you're really barking up the wrong tree." I shoved a half-shrug in his face"I can't pull that out right now."

"I see. Well then, I don't think the physio will help you."

"Erm..." I wasn't sure what to feel; relieved I didn't have to suffer this nightmare anymore, or gutted he'd given up on me. "So, if I just do nothing then the pain will go away by itself?"

"No, that isn't what I'm saying at all. What I'm suggesting is maybe you need to speak to someone. When people go through traumatic events, such as what you have with the car crash, it can leave some confusing emotions. It might be better to deal with them first before you come back to me."

"You think I need therapy?" My core tightened. "Are you kidding me? I don't need therapy. I know exactly what's wrong with me."

"That may be the case, but your mental attitude is holding your physical progress back. I'm going to write a note to your doctor suggesting as much."

I bit down on my bottom lip to stop the expletives from flying out my mouth. There was no way in hell I'd go and speak to someone about how I felt, that just wasn't me. Especially not now when I was at my lowest ebb, really struggling with the woman I'd woken up in the hospital as. I didn't even want to think about it, never mind discuss it with a stranger.

"Sure, whatever. Can I go now?"

He huffed and shook his head at me, disappointment rolling off him in waves. "Yes, you can go, but you will need to come back so if you can at least try to do some of the exercises I've given you at home,I'd be really grateful."

It was cute he assumed that'd happen. As soon as I got home I'd be straight back into my pit of misery.

"Sure, whatever, goodbye."

***

Why did I move back home? I laid my head back on the couch to stare at the crack in the ceiling. Why did I go backwards when I wanted to move on?

I knew more about my life now, I'd spent some time discovering who I'd become, but I still didn't feel connected to myself. I couldn't work out how I'd gone from who I used to be at twenty-one to now. I might've ended up with a career worthy of my degree but I hated it. It bored me, the journalist rules irritated me, and sucked all the love of writing right out of me.

That was all before I got on to the office politics. What a minefield. No one seemed to really get along and I couldn't work out why. There had to be an unnecessary drama every single week. Probably because none of the news in Cornwall interested any of us enough. Everyone had to create their own excitement.

I tried to keep out of it, but I wasn't innocent. There'd been times when I'd joined in. Including that day.

At least I'd been written off sick. I couldn't face all of that in this mood!

I twisted onto my side, wincing through the sheer agony, and stared at the blank walls. This one bedroomed tiny apartment was depressing enough, but the fact I hadn't done anything to brighten it up was almost worse. I gave up before I even got started. There weren't any photographs of me and my friends, the furniture was all mish-mash like I'd just taken a few free things and thrown them together, nothing screamed me.

I'd pretty much become no one in the last few years. I wanted to have it all, but I was left with nothing, not even the personality I used to have. I was just lost and empty, floating through life, trying to grasp onto the career that I'd fought so hard for and finding myself with nothing.

I grabbed onto the old clunky phone found at the bottom of one of my drawers and scanned through the numbers stored in my contacts. The fact I didn't have Natalie's information troubled me. Had we actually managed to lose touch? I couldn't recall anything drastic happening between us, even in my foggier memories, but there must've been some catastrophe. I couldn't share all those life-changing events with her, just to have nothing to do with her now.

All I wanted to do was call her, but of course, I couldn't.

My eyes glanced towards the computer sat in the corner of the room. I hadn't switched it on since coming home because I didn't know what I'd find. I wasn't even sure I wanted to log onto my social media accounts. What if I had no online friends, just like it seemed I had no real ones, or even worse...what if I had to look at everyone else having a wonderful time with their thrilling careers and awesome love lives, their travels and social lives, their partying and fun, while I had none of that? I didn't know if I could handle it, but I suppose I couldn't put it off any longer either. If I wanted to gather up every single piece of my life then it stood to reason the Internet would be a part of it. I could only avoid it for so long.

I pushed myself into a sitting position, blinking a few times while my vision straightened up, then I made myself stand. My legs wobbled underneath me, the internal bruising aching, but I forced them to move. My heart fluttered painfully and my mouth ran dry with terror, but I didn't stop. Funny how I gave up in an instant when it came to my body, but this I was willing to work for...

Knock, knock.

"Oh, for goodness sake." How typical was that? Just as I decided to do something positive, fate interrupted me. "Coming!"

"No need, I'll just come in."

Oh God, it was my mother. That was almost worse than being left alone forever. She'd been to visit me every day despite the obvious strain between us, making her visits very uncomfortable.

"Oh hello, Carlie." She looked shocked as her eyes ran up and down me. It took me a couple of moments to realise that was because I'd stood up. Usually, she found my lying on my back, staring at the ceiling as a dark gloom ran through me. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes, I was just..." I made a funny gesture with my hands which didn't mean anything. "Is everything alright with you?"

She grabbed a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped it along my shelves, not-so-discretely cleaning up the dust. I dug my nails into the palms of my hands but remained silent. I couldn't face an argument.

"I just wanted to see how your appointment went today?"

"Badly," I glowered. "Same as always."

I moved back to the couch, abandoning my plan to check out the computer and braced myself while I waited for the inevitable criticism.

"Are you listening to the doctors?"

"Do you not think I want to get better?" I slid my eyes closed so I couldn't see her face. Her expression drove me crazy. "I don't want any of this, I just want my life back."

But I didn't mean my life right now, I meant the life I could remember clearly. The life when I had Scott before I started saying horrible things to him. Why did I even care about how well I did with my uni course when it didn't even get me anywhere? Did I actually throw my best relationship away for nothing? I lost the perfect guy, and for what? This?

Where was Scott these days? What happened to him?

"Well the doctors want to help you with that.That's why you have to do what they suggest."

"Yes, I know. I've agreed to go to therapy, haven't I? You know how much I don't want to."

Mum didn't say anything but I could sense her smug satisfaction. She desperately wanted me to see someone. It was pointless,like I said, I knew what was wrong with me, how could talking it out for hours on end change anything? But if it got everyone off my back then I'd do it. Anything for peace.

"I've suggested therapy before, you know? Even before all of this happened. I do think talking to someone will help you to figure things out." I shot her a dirty look, but even that didn't stop her. "I don't want to upset you, Carlie, but you're so closed off. You don't speak to anyone about what's going with you. Maybe having a professional will help you get back to the happy person you used to be."

"I used to be?" I needed to question that, the statement was far too vague for my liking. "What do you mean?"

Mum blew out a deep breath of air and stared at me intently. "I don't know, I guess I just mean you used to be so fun-loving and ambitious, you used to be sociable and everything made you excited. Now you look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders all the time."

I didn't like how that struck a little too close to the truth.

"I've just had a car accident, you know. I am in a lot of pain. Maybe that's affecting my mood..."

"No, it isn't that." Mum shook her head rapidly. "It's been going on for a long time. I think you've locked things up so tightly in there you've forgotten how to think and feel at all."

"Right, sure. Whatever." I still couldn't be bothered to argue. What was the point? Especially when she seemed to know more about the current state of my existence than I did. "I'll go and see if a therapist can help me. Maybe it'll be a miracle and my life will be all sorted out in the space of an hour."

Hot tears threatened to make an appearance, but I didn't let them spill out however much they wanted to. I could hear it, I knew I was acting bitter and twisted, but that was how I felt. Everything was all wrong, and I hated it. I just wanted to squeeze my eyes shut and be back in the past. I wanted another chance to make it all right again. Whatever choices I made,I'd do the opposite to come up with something better for myself.

Whatever my life was supposed to become, this was not it.

Nineteen

July 2018

The chair hurt my butt, the lights shone much too bright, a funny wooden smell burned my nostrils, and my therapist had the most perfect hair I'd ever seen. I hated it, every single second. Coming here was a huge mistake, I should've listened to my gut.

"So, Carlie." Doctor Russ brushed a strand of her gorgeous black hair behind her ear and fixed her fierce green eyes on me. "Obviously your accident has stirred up a lot. It's made you think about the past, although from what I understand, your memories aren't all there yet?"

Huh?Shock bolted through me the moment she finally broke the heavy silence. How could she know that when I hadn't even told her anything yet? Is she a witch? Can she see into my soul?I pulled my cardigan further across my chest, as ice-cold panic darted through me.

"This is what I picked up from what you gave me over the phone."

That took me aback leaving me exposed like I'd lay across the floor completely naked. I didn't give her much to go on when I spoke to her, but apparently, it was enough.

"Isn't it unethical to make assumptions like that?"

As I gave her a reaction, probably in exactly the way she planned, Doctor Russ broke out into a self-satisfied smile.

"Perhaps, but I've seen this many times before and that reaction is quite normal." She tapped her pen against her clipboard in a very irritating fashion. "And from the look on your face, it seems that's why you're here. We might as well use our time here to wisely, don't you think?"

I slumped back in my seat with a bit of a screw it attitude. There was one thing she got right, I'd made it all the way here, it made sense to actually do something positive with the time.

"Yeah, maybe."

It wasn't much, but I gave her something.

"Right, I see. Is that something you'd care to expand on? Is there a particular time in your life you keep coming back to?"

I pursed my lips tightly together, resisting bringing up university. I guessed we'd get there eventually, but I didn't feel comfortable diving in instantly. It seemed I was as closed off as Mum suggested, the words stuck in my throat and wouldn't come out even if I wanted them to...which admittedly I didn't.

"So, you don't like talking then?" Doctor Russ nodded knowingly. "That's okay, not many people do. How are you at writing? Is that something you might prefer?"

"I don't know. I mean, maybe." I gave her a helpless shrug. "I'm quite good at writing, I suppose. I studied English at university and did pretty well at it."

"Ah." Her eyes widened with excitement as she locked onto my words. "And how long ago did you leave university?"

I cringed internally. Without even meaning to, I'd jumped right into the topic I wanted to avoid. I needed to answer this question in a way that dragged our focus to another area of my life entirely. My nothing existence now, for instance. Surely that would give her a wealth of stuff to lecture me about.

"Oh, ages ago, and to be honest I haven't managed to land a job that fulfils me. It's madness, I spent all that time doing my degree in the hopes that I'd end up happy and now..."I swallowed back hard as an accidental ball of emotion got stuck in my throat. That wasn't supposed to happen! "Well, now I do a job I hate."

"I see, and that's a disappointment to you." I replied with a half-hearted nod. "So, would you say your time at university was the best so far?"

"Yes." My mind went blank, I spoke without thinking. "I mean, yeah, I suppose so. But isn't it for everyone?" I could feel a heat travelling up my body. Any minute now it'd reach my face and reveal my utter embarrassment. "The parties and stuff?"

"Did you do a lot of partying?"

"Yes, sort of. I...I suppose so."I shifted awkwardly in the chair, knowing that wasn't really what I'd spent the majority of my time doing. "Maybe not compared to most people, but it was still a great time. I was young, fun, not lonely..."

"You're still very young."I didn't feel it. Inside, I felt so much older than I was. "And I'm sure you still have a lot of fun with your friends."

I sighed noisily, preparing myself to admit something very tragic."I don't really remember a lot since the accident...I don't know if I've got a lot of friends."

Doctor Russ gave me a puzzled look—or at least, that was how it seemed to me. I'd bewildered a therapist, that was the current state of my life. If that wasn't the kick up the butt I so clearly needed then I wasn't sure what was.

"There must be ways for you to find out about your social life. Hasn't anyone been to visit you since the crash?"

Urgh, I hated myself, this was me really lying out on the table and being vulnerable. It felt disgusting, I wanted to vomit.

"Only my mother."

"Okay, so what about your phone? Have you checked it for messages or phone numbers?"

"I almost checked online to find myself on social media, I thought it'd be a good way to find out more about my life now, but I got interrupted and it put me off. I started over thinking things and now I don't know if I want to find out." I threw my hands up in the air, frustrated. "If no one's been to visit me then what does that say? Maybe I'm horrible now, a really evil person."

"Does that sound like something you might've become?"

I couldn't help remembering mine and Scott's last few moments together and all the awful things I said. Maybe I'd always been a despicable person and I was only now realising it.

"I don't think anyone intends to be a dick," I pondered carelessly."If they do then there's something seriously wrong with them. I think everyone can be nasty and selfish without even noticing it. Maybe that's me."

"Well, that's an important revelation. Something you can explore when you write down your feelings. And I think you should start with what happened at university and explore your life ever since. I know you don't remember it all at the moment, but hopefully, the memories will return when you're thinking about it more. It seems to me something is really holding you back in life and you need to figure out what."

Even the thought of doing all that was exhausting,I wanted to give up already. I didn't need to comb over the past again, it seemed like a fruitless effort. It was done now, long behind me, I couldn't ever go back to place however much I yearned to, so what was the point?

"Wouldn't it be more productive to concentrate on the future?"

"I don't think you can, not until you've gone back. You need to work out who you were then, who you are now, and what happened in between. I don't think moving forward in the way you've been going is a positive thing if it's making you so unhappy, so you need to take this as an opportunity to get your life on the tracks you want it to be."

I didn't know who I wanted to be, that part remained a mystery, but it certainly wasn't this. I hated to admit it, but Doctor Russ made some very good points. Maybe I could take this car accident and turn it into a positive somehow.

Seemingly sensing me coming around to her way of thinking, Doctor Russ jumped on the idea and ran with it.

"Did you have a close friend at university? Someone you remember more than the people in your life now?"

I rubbed my hands down my cheeks, trying to disguise the tears before they became obvious.

"Yes, I had a best friend, Natalie. I don't know if she's in my life now or not. I guess it seems like she isn't and I don't know why."

"Wouldn't it feel good to reconnect with her? She seems like a good place to start picking up the pieces."

The idea left me boiling hot and freezing cold all at once. Of course I wanted her back in my circle, she was the one person I'd always trusted over everyone else, but what if I'd done something nasty to her as well? I hated my patchy memory, it left me with a real disadvantage. I couldn't contact her and have her despise me, that could be the thing to kill me.

"Maybe. I'll take a look into it and have a think."

"It'll mean getting past the roadblock and looking online, do you think that's something you can do? I have a laptop here if you'd rather not be alone?"

There wasn't a chance in hell of me opening that can of worms in front of anyone else. It'd take a whole lot of Dutch courage before I even considered it, and I certainly had to be alone while I unravelled the sadness that was me.

"Oh no." I smiled as sweetly as I could manage. "I'll be fine, thank you though."

She peered disapprovingly at me, which I understood since I didn't know how honest my words were. I wanted to be that brave person who tore the band-aid off and delved right into my issues with my eyes wide open, but I wasn't yet.

"Good. Maybe we should start talking about your relationship with your mother..."

Urgh, that topic was even worse. It made my muscles scream out with violent pain.

"That's complicated, I really don't think it's something we need to discuss."

"Complicated mother and daughter relationships are the cornerstone of what I do."

Doctor Russ was like a limpet, she clung to something she sensed was important and wouldn't let it go. It was annoying, actually. I wanted to ask her why she couldn't just leave things alone.

"I really don't think it has any relation to what's happening here..."

But of course, I had to discuss it. I spent the remainder of the hour talking about that subject and it was surprisingly freeing once I got going.By the time I left my appointment I decided to give her ideas a go. The journal writing, the social media, maybe even Natalie...

Something had to work, people dragged themselves out of ruts all the time. I could be one of those people.

"Are you ready to go?"

As I stared at my mum, I felt all strange. I'd just talked about her behind her back for ages, maybe not in a bitchy way, but not in an overly nice way either, when really, she'd done all she could to help me, including telling me some home truths I might not have wanted to hear. Things were fractured, but she wasn't all bad.

"Yeah, Mum," I replied with the first genuine smile I could really remember giving her. Certainly since the crash"Let's get out of here. Thank you for waiting for me."
Twenty

July 2018

I stared at the page in front of me, willing words to simply appear so I didn't have to write anything down. Creating the story of my life so a virtual stranger could understand why I'd become so downhearted didn't appeal. I didn't want to face it.

I know how to adult, but not to 'human', I wrote without thinking. I let the pen flow and went with it. It wasn't a start, it wasn't really anything, but I couldn't go back to therapy with nothing but white pages. By that I mean I know how to do all the stuff expected of an adult; I can pay bills and get to work on time, I know how to do laundry, but I don't know how to act like a normal human being. I don't know how to BE, how to socialise, how to behave, how to exist in the proper way among others. I'm on the outside of humanity, looking in.

I used to be much better. I don't know when things changed.

I dropped the pen and sighed heavily, that was more true than I cared to admit. I didn't do the things most people my age did, I was stuck in something even deeper than a rut and along the way I forgot how to be 'normal'.

I left university five years ago and had zoned in on only one thing. It was ridiculous. I gave up so much for this fantasy life which never materialised and I stopped fighting for more somewhere down the line.

I eyed the computer suspiciously, knowing I needed to face it now. Doctor Russ told me I had to tackle everything, especially things that scared me.Maybe some inspiration would help me get this dumb journal thing done, then I could stop worrying about it.

I moved across the room, slowly and purposefully to bring the computer to life. A part of me wished for an interruption again so I didn't really have to go through with this, but nothing came. It was simply me and the void of the Internet waiting to greet me with whatever horrors it held. Stomach bile churned the butterflies, sending them flying in every direction as the familiar sight of social media caught my eye.

"Okay, this isn't all bad." I noted the good number of friends on my list. Clearly not close ones who I spent time with in real life since we never really connected after the initial friend request, but it was something."People from work, that girl who works at the swimming pool, friends from the old days. Although it's a bit quiet."

I had a lot of old stuff on there, photographs from the past and a stream of status updates, but all from the happy time. Back when Natalie and Scott were still a part of me. Those magic five years ago before I screwed up.

No! A tear cascaded down my cheek which I brushed angrily away. Idiot!

I couldn't think about Scott right now, there wasn't any chance in hell I could search for him without dying, so instead I took the slightly easier route and clicked on Natalie's page.

"Holy hell."

Instantly, I was blown away, Natalie's life looked incredible. Not only had the last five years done her really well in the looks department—her hair had a lovely sheen and her eyes looked brighter than ever, also she'd filled out into her curves in a gorgeous way—she also seemed to have it all. Everything she wanted. Some sort of job working with young people, a good-looking boyfriend who'd put a ring on her finger over the Christmas period, and a constant stream of friends. She had hundreds of pictures doing all sorts of fun things with girls I wanted to be. Her life was everything I desired but somehow didn't have.

Again, I found that hollow sensation,I'd been left behind. What was it about me that meant I couldn't function in the real world? Why hadn't life given me everything I wanted? All I sacrificed Scott to get. Okay, so I didn't think the world owed me anything, but seeing Natalie flourish while I floundered wasn't the easiest sight in the world.

Especially when I wasn't part of her world any longer.

She was my best friend, I steeled with solid determination. I should just message her. What's the point in not?

I knew for a fact the person I'd become wouldn't message Natalie or I'd have done so already. I had a feeling I'd normally stew in jealousy until I fell deep into a bitter puddle of my own making. But I didn't want to be her anymore. I wanted to be more like the girl in my pictures, the one who actually had a life. I missed the Carlie I was at university, and while she couldn't completely come back, I didn't have to let her go completely.

Then again, she wasn't everything either. She had her own issues. Maybe what I really needed was to become someone new.

'Hi, Natalie,' I typed rapidly before I could talk myself out of it. 'How are you? It's been a while, so I just wanted to say hey. Carlie xx'

There, that wasn't too much. Just a simple 'hello'. Hopefully, things hadn't become too fractured between us she didn't even want to hear that, but even if it was the case then maybe extending an olive branch was all it'd take.

I clicked the cross, cutting off social media before I dug any deeper. Seeing Natalie's life was enough emotional turmoil for one day, I couldn't risk more. Especially as the pull at my core had risen to an uncontrollable level. I couldn't see his life, especially if he had it as together as Natalie, that would kill me.

Even the idea of seeing Scott with a fiancée of his own made me want to scream and weep all at once. No, that was something I'd tackle later on, if ever...

"Right." I took my seat back in front of the page, finally ready to get something down. Now I'd messaged Natalie it didn't feel quite so difficult to get the words flowing."Okay, let's just...get going. Write anything."

I don't know how I managed to end up like this, all empty and lost, but I've got a feeling I've brought it on myself. I'm certainly not one of those people who can't see my own faults and mistakes. If anything, I see them all too well. I know I'm stand-offish at times,I'm not great at communication, my insecurities really mess me up at times. I'm aware I've hurt a number of people in my life, and that my decisions can suck. Sometimes I make snap choices without thinking it through at all. Then, I obsess over said choices with hindsight when it all goes horribly wrong. But by then it's too late.

I paused for a moment and re-read the words. It didn't necessarily make sense in the way it should, but there was something cathartic about exposing myself on paper, it felt better than I expected it to, which encouraged me to continue. I wanted to get it all out while it was there in the forefront of my mind. I was surprised, but Doctor Russ's idea didn't suck.

I think all of my issues came to a head on that day, which is why I was such a mess when the crash happened. It was something so small and meaningless really, something that happened all the time and didn't trouble me, but the tension in my chest made it a much bigger thing in my mind.

I know the office is a bitchy place, it's been that was since day one, and it doesn't usually trouble me. I do even join in from time to time if someone has particularly annoyed me. The silly thing is I didn't naively think that occasionally I would be on the negative end of that.

Why wouldn't I be? There's nothing about me to make me particularly special.

I overheard Angela as I walked past her desk. She didn't see me of course, she's bitchy but not nasty. I know for a fact she'd be hurt if she knew I overheard her, but the mention of my name made me stop. I halted to listen and I heard her making a comment about me being 'the depressed bitch who doesn't appreciate how young she is'. She went on to tell Jenny that I suck at my job making her life harder because I always have my head up my own butt and that I'm going to miss out on life.

She said it because I'd done something wrong on one my stories that just happened to catch her at a bad moment, she probably didn't even really mean it, but it was too true for me.

I span out of control, I lost the power over my body, and my mind went wild.

That's how I ended up in a complete and utter mess in my car, about to change everything.

I tried to think of the last time I steered the direction of my life, but it'd been so long I couldn't put my finger on it. I guess I really lost it somewhere towards the end of university when I began panicking about what'd come next. That led to me acting out and behaving in ways I now regretted horribly. It led to one of the choices I'd hated myself for ever since...walking out on Scott because I was afraid.

After I lost Scott, I lost myself too. I spiralled, it all happened too fast, too furiously. The last five years had whizzed past with me in the back seat.

I gave up on someone I loved through indecisiveness and fear. I wish I could do something to rectify that. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently.

I considered what I'd do if I got a second chance at that argument, but there were so many things to count. First off, I wouldn't be so scared of the future because clearly,it wasn't what I expected anyway, I wouldn't let my so-called career get in the way of my love life which could've been amazing if I'd let it. Secondly, instead of storming out as things got heated, I'd have kissed him instead.That would've solved it all.

There was one argument which tore the best relationship I'd ever had apart. Maybe if that hadn't happened, I'd now still be with him, I'd still have my best friend, and I'd be happy. I don't know where my career would be but it didn't work out as I wanted it to anyway.

I could be happy now.

I let that sink in and it hurt. There was an actual physical pain across my chest while I thought about it. After the row, things went rapidly downhill, university became a chore rather than something I enjoyed. I guess I pushed everyone away in my desperation to get it over with because I was so keen to move forward and start the next stage of my life.

I didn't savour it, I rushed it. Without Scott, it felt meaningless, but stupidly I couldn't invite him back in because I assumed made the 'adult choice', the one for my future. What an idiot.

There are things I need to do to make some changes in my life. Much as I want to go back in time, I can't.I've to keep moving forward and if I'm not happy, then I need to fix it.

I need to change my job, get one I feel happier in, make things better between me and my mum,get some friends, or maybe reconnect with some old ones. I might've already started that process since I messaged Natalie earlier. Only time will tell if she'll write back or not.

Then came the really challenging part, the bit I wasn't sure I could do. Writing it down would hold me accountable, but I still wasn't convinced I had it in me.

I also need to let go of the past and forget about Scott. Forever this time.

I huffed loudly, my throat almost closed over. I couldn't breathe, but I wasn't sure I wanted to either. It was too hard, too much. I was overwhelmed like sinking underwater, kicking and screaming, begging to be helped but there weren't any lifeguards around to save me.

I don't want to, but I have to. I don't want to end up a lonely spinster with nothing but memories. I need a happy ending, it only feels impossible at the moment because I'm hung up on the past. Once I let go of that...I'll be fine. Everything else will fall into place.

Scott is the memory preventing me from moving forwards. If I want that fairy tale ending, I suppose he needs to go...

Maybe I needed to do the thing I dreaded most and ask Doctor Russ for help. She had to have some ideas on how to move forward. If she dealt with this sort of stuff all the time then she'd have some tips. Maybe some sort of Yoga or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

There had to be something, I couldn't be stuck in this position forever.The same place I'd been for far too many years. I needed to finally break free.

Twenty-One

July 2018

'Oh, my goodness, Carlie, it's been such a long time! I've missed you so much. How have you been, girl? We absolutely have to meet up sometime, I've got so much to tell you xx'

I stared at Natalie's message, reading it for what felt like the hundredth time, trying to feel anything other than numbness. This was a good thing, she wanted to hang out with me again, she didn't totally hate my guts...so why didn't I feel happy? Why was I all cold and empty?

I breathed deep, ignoring the raggedy sound in my throat. There wasn't any point in freaking myself out, now I'd taken this step I had to roll with it, if only to get Doctor Russ off my back.That woman didn't like me to rest on my laurels. As soon as I'd done something she kept pushing me to do the next thing, then the next, it was a nightmare. Once I re-started the exercises, she wanted me back in physio, once I wrote in the journal, she needed more from me, every time I spoke about something, she just had to dig deeper. It was relentless.

'I'd love that! Here's my number so you can call me whenever.'

There, done. I'd placed the ball firmly in Natalie's hands and now it was up to her to take the next step. If she'd only said those things to be polite then fine, she didn't ever have to ring me. I wasn't sure I'd ever call if she offered me her number. I'd somehow shrunk in on myself so badly, become such an introvert even the simplest of task felt impossible...

A ringing sound burst out from my phone, causing me to jump so violently I nearly fell from the chair. I guess I hadn't realised how quiet the house was until that moment.

"Hello?" I answered cautiously because a number I didn't recognise came up on the screen.

"Hey, Carlie!" My heart stopped dead in my chest. It couldn't be... "It's Natalie just in case you didn't recognise my voice. How are you?"

"N...Natalie?" I stared at the computer screen wondering how the message had travelled so fast. "It's good to hear from you. That was quick!"

"I just had to call as soon as I got your number, it's been forever. I know that's my fault because I'm so utterly rubbish at keeping in touch. I just get so busy, you know how it is." I made an agreeable but non-committal noise. "But what perfect timing, if you hadn't messaged me, I definitely would've messaged you."

"You would?" That lifted my spirits, she wanted to be my friend as much as I did hers. "That's awesome, I'm glad I reached out then."

"Yeah, well you remember Freya? She was at university with us. Freya...I can't remember her surname. Anyway, that's not important. Freya's set up a Facebook group thingy and she wants us to have like a mini-reunion thing, to catch up after five years. Are you online now? I'll add you to the group."

In her usual forceful way, Natalie did it without even giving me a chance to answer. I received a notification alert mere seconds later which unlocked all sorts. I knew I shouldn't, I wasn't sure I wanted to fall into the endless abyss, but I couldn't help it. I clicked on the notification to delve right into the group.

If this was the same Freya I thought it was, then Scott knew her too.

Freya Matthews. Back to haunt me.

"Oh right, she wants to meet at that bar not too far from uni campus," I replied hoarsely, trying to act like I wasn't completely shattering inside. "Will many people be able to go?"

"If you look through the comments, it seems like everyone's up for it. It should be really fun. Oh, but I don't want to go alone. Say you'll come with me. It'll be good to see them all. Life has moved so quickly I think it'll do me good to step back."

"I don't know..." My throat constricted tight at the idea. "Maybe it's not..."

"I know, what if me and you meet up first! We'll go early, book a hotel for a couple of nights, including the night before, and we'll get some girly drinks, just me and you. You're the most important person I want to catch up with anyway, doesn't that sound fun?"

"It does..." I couldn't lie, hanging out with Natalie alone sounded amazing. It was exactly what I needed. Maybe I could just do that part and skip the next night. Once I'd seen Natalie face-to-face and talked to her about stuff, she'd understand anyway."Yeah, you know what, let's do it. That sounds incredible."

"I'm so glad you said that. I'll book it tonight and send you all the details later."

"Great, thank you, Natalie..."

I was interrupted by some noises coming from the other end of the phone, Natalie's real-life dragging her back. I couldn't ignore the jealousy twisting in my gut.

"Sorry, Carlie, I have to go, but I'll message you later..."

With that, she hung up and left me with only the dial tone for company, but for the first time in ages, I didn't only have a bitter taste in my mouth. Even if the idea of the reunion scared the bejesus out of me, seeing her didn't.

I scrolled down the page of the Facebook group to read the comments, almost aimlessly while I thought things through. Freya must've had a lot of friends because she'd invited everyone I could remember. Not me, of course, but that didn't matter because I wasn't going...

"Oh, my God."

I wasn't sure why I hadn't expected it, why I hadn't prepared myself...or maybe I had and subconsciously this was what I'd been hunting for. Either way, it stunned me to the core. There he was, staring back at me from a small pixelated square with those still-gorgeous brown eyes and a smile so bright it crushed my heart.

Still he looked incredible, better than anyone I knew. Still, he ignited fireworks.

The comment next to his name made my pulse race uncontrollably, it proved he was still alive and more than ready to socialise with the people from our past, unlike me. Clearly, he wasn't struggling from the same lovesick feeling I'd been wrestling with.

'Thank you for organising this, Freya, it'll be good to see everyone again. It's been forever!'

So simple, not unlike the other comments on the page, yet so heart-stopping too. If he'd be there it meant for a few short hours, we'd be near each other again. Close enough to talk, touch even, if we wanted to. I didn't intend to go so none of that could actually happen, but the idea of it was bad enough.

I glanced at my phone, debating calling Natalie back to cancel completely. This wouldn't be a step in the right direction, it'd be running backwards, trampling over the last five years as if they were nothing.

I couldn't go to the reunion, that much I was certain of, even more so now. Scott hated me, probably the only thing not to change over the last five years. Yes, we both hurt each other, but what I did was worse. I trashed him, shattered his heart, and all for nothing. At least he had good reasons for his behaviour, I had nothing but fear. To Scott, it was probably a good thing I wasn't going to be there, he'd probably only accepted the invite when he noticed my name wasn't on the list. I didn't want to ruin this for him. He didn't deserve that on top of everything else.

Urgh, but I wanted to see him too. I couldn't help myself. I knew it was wrong, and definitely not the way to heal but there was such a damn pull towards him. The idea I could lay eyes on him, that maybe I could apologise to him for everything I did, it was intoxicating.

'Scott, sorry for being such a bitch back then, I don't know why I freaked out and split up with you...'

Oh God, no way I could actually get those words out to his face. Anyway, what if he had someone? He could have a girlfriend with him, his whole life could be different.

The tight leash I had wrapped around me slipped away like dead skin as the desire to know intensified. Without even pausing to consider how terrible this could be for my fragile state of mind, I clicked onto Scott's page and released everything I'd been avoiding for far too long.

I couldn't immediately see anything, Scott's page was almost as empty and dull as my own, but that didn't mean there wasn't anything there, only a few pictures of him travelling a country I didn't even recognise. I couldn't imagine him becoming one of those adults who needed the whole world to know about their lives. He probably kept most things to himself these days. He was different in uni, but then we all were. It was all about sharing everything back then.

I wished there was a way I could see if he'd visited my page, maybe then I'd be able to decipher his state of mind. If he'd looked, perhaps there was hope. I could pretend he idly daydreamed about me and what could've been. If he hadn't then I'd know what we once shared was something to be left behind and never thought of again.

But I couldn't find out, it would have to remain a mystery. Unless I went to the reunion and I asked him myself.

'Maybe we should take a break from all this,'I remembered spitting out nastily in the heat of the moment. 'Screw you and your stupid rules. It obviously didn't mean anything to you anyway.'

It was only me lashing out, I never wanted to lose him. It broke my heart things had gone so damn wrong all from those stupid words yelled in fear.

I grabbed a pen and my journal and started to write because I didn't know what else to do. I had to get this off my chest somehow, and unfortunately, I'd come to rely on the one thing I assumed I'd hate.

'I didn't mean to hurt Scott, that wasn't ever my intention at all. I guess I was just hurting inside, I'd been hurting for a very long time and I didn't know how to deal with the pain, the insecurity, the rollercoaster of emotions. I still don't, in some ways, I still suck at coping. That's one of those things which should come with age, I'm sure of it, but I haven't grown up yet.

I will though, somehow, I'll work out a way. I'll shake this insecurity off somehow. I have to.

I'm torn. I don't want to face Scott again because I'm seriously scared, but I also think I should. I need some advice on what to do for the best. I can imagine Doctor Russ telling me to face my fears and to get it out of my system and to clear the path so I can move forwards, but I don't think she's the person I need help from.

I believe I need to suck it up and tell Natalie. She's the only one who will truly get this.

I sighed audibly, pushing the pad of paper away. I couldn't believe I'd gone from the concept of pushing forwards and actually moving on with my life, all the way backwards in just a few short moments. Discussing Scott with Natalie would truly take me back to my university days...

But maybe I had to. It could be the only way to make progress.

Urgh, I didn't know anything anymore.
Twenty-Two

September 2018

"So, physio is going much better?" Doctor Russ actually smiled at me, which had to be a first. "That's great news, isn't it?"

"I can move my leg a lot more freely."

I demonstrated by kicking up my foot, trying my hardest not to wince as I did. The sharp pain still burst free every time I jolted, but I didn't care. The overwhelming joy I had at the progression which once seemed impossible overshadowed everything else.

It pained me to admit, but maybe my negative mental attitude hadn't been useful. It obviously wasn't the cause of my pain, but it certainly hadn't helped. With anything, actually.

"That's great, and the tone of your journal seems much brighter too. It's good you got in touch with Natalie. Her influence has been extremely positive."

"She is." I couldn't keep the dumb-looking smile off my face. "And I'm actually going to see her tonight which is awesome. It's been years. I can't wait."

Some of my memories were still a little foggy, I hadn't recovered all of them in a crystal-clear view, but I did know I'd left university in a negative spin after everything soured with Scott and not looked back even once. I'd shut myself off from the people I cared about most because I'd caused hurt and I didn't want to face up to it. Also, because I fought so hard to carve out a career for myself, nothing else entered my blinkered view. Not until the crash anyway, and maybe the moments before where everything intensified.

It wasn't Natalie's fault it'd been forever since we talked, it was mine. She took the blame because she'd been busy too, but if I'd made even one iota of effort, it wouldn't have ended up like this.

Maybe that was why I kept everyone else at arm's length after. I didn't feel worthy of friendship after what I did. It made sense, and to be fair that did sound like me.

"Have you been back to work yet?"

"No." I shook my head fervently. "I don't think I will either. I know that might seem a bit of a cowardly choice, but I want to do something else with my life. I didn't study hard at my degree to work in a job I don't like. I'm starting to see that there's more to life than a career which sounds amazing on paper, especially when it isn't, and I think this might be the perfect time to work on that."

"Okay." Doctor Russ pondered my words. "That's a very self-aware statement to make, which is wonderful. You've been very introspective, which I think might be how you spend a lot of your life, but now you're starting to see the bigger picture too. You have to have them both to survive."

A swell of pride flooded my chest.Finally, I'd done something to make her happy with me! It hadn't taken me long to come to the same conclusion, I already knew setting foot into a job which only created negativity wasn't good for me. If I wanted to make some changes, this was the only chance I'd get.

"I don't know what I'm going to do yet, I'm still researching that part, but I do feel positive."

Doctor Russ banged her clipboard down on the table. A small laughter-type sound bubbled up in her mouth and soon burst free. My spine stiffened, an odd bolt of panic exploded in my stomach, for one dreaded moment I felt like everything was about to tilt and shift. My fingers even curled around the bottom of my chair in preparation.

"I didn't think things were going to progress so quickly with you, Carlie, I have to admit that. When I first met you, you seemed so sunken into a hole of sadness that I thought it'd take ages to get you out. I cannot believe how well you've done."

"Oh, wow...thank you!"

It was so nice to be noticed for something positive.Even if my positivity balanced dangerously on tonight. I wanted to believe I had a brand-new inner-strength which would get me through anything, but I wasn't totally sure I'd fully made it. Too much teetered on how it'd be once me and Natalie got back together again. Face-to-face, not just over messages.

Of course, I wasn't going to tell Doctor Russ that. My weakness was something I kept only for myself. Just like everyone else did...or so I hoped. I guess I didn't know how other people dealt with stuff because I didn't ever share.

"How are things with your mother these days? I know they've been strained."

My face fell, couldn't she see I only wanted to talk about the good stuff? Things were going so well and now the whole mood was about to fall.

"Oh, okay. You know how it is with her." I shifted awkwardly and fixed my eyes on my fiddling fingers in my lap. "She's great and I know I'm lucky to have her, but sometimes I wish it was...easier."

A pregnant pause filled the air, just like it always did when we got to this topic. She liked to remind me no one had a perfect relationship with their family members, but I always felt a little bit of accusation there.

"That's going to take some focus and effort on your behalf," Doctor Russ declared, no longer beating around the bush. Now she definitely meant at least some of the blame lay at my door. "It isn't a one-sided thing. You need to look at your behaviour when you're around her and see if you can change as well."

I gritted my teeth and nodded. That sounded exhausting, I wasn't sure I had the current mental capacity to get me through that, but I didn't want to come across as a bitch. I'd just made a good impression, I couldn't screw it up all over again.

"Yeah, I will do. I'll try and be more patient with her. I know she only cares about me."

I stood, ready to leave because the clock indicated my time was up and I had a lot to get back and sort. Even if I wasn't about to become the perfect daughter overnight, I had other things needing my focus.

"She does care about you; don't you forget that. From what you've told me she's been very good."

I gulped back the golf ball of guilt lodged itself in my throat. I suppose there were things I could do that wouldn't take much effort if I really wanted to.

"Also, you have a good time with your friend," Doctor Russ finished off. "Take care of yourself."

"Yeah..." I wondered if she knew there was more to this than simply me hanging out with Natalie. Did she have some sort of physic ability which allowed her to see into my soul? I hadn't mentioned the reunion because I didn't want to get into something I wasn't going to deal with, but her eyes practically bore into me. "Erm, yeah I will do. Thank you."

With that, I raced from the room without looking back. We could talk about it more another time once it was too late for me to change my mind. I'd made my choice, I couldn't go, there were just too many reasons in the 'cons' column and not nearly enough in the 'pros'. Trust me, I'd spent a long time culminating the lists to be sure.

Even if I wanted to see Scott, I couldn't risk him not wanting to see me, my pride and my fragile heart couldn't take it, and there was nothing else to it.

***

"You look good," Mum ran her eyes down me. "I've always liked that dress on you."

I resisted the urge to rip the red polka-dot, summery dress off simply because she'd said that. I wasn't sure why, but my attitude instantly reduced to a petty teenager around my mum these days, and I needed to stop it. Despite my emotional exhaustion, I did want to improve things between us, and if that meant ignoring my impulses and watching my behaviour then so be it.

"Thanks, Mum. Thank you for keeping my stuff here as well. I'd almost forgotten about this dress" I glanced at my watch, realising with horror the time. "I better go, I'm going to catch the train in a moment and I don't want to be late."

"I can drive you if you like?" Mum asked me innocently as if this was an idea she'd just thought of. "Save you getting on the train."

"Oh no, thank you but it's honestly fine. I really do appreciate it though. It's irritating to drive through all that traffic and I don't want to put you out when it doesn't take too long."

Mum cocked her head and eyed me curiously. "Is this because you don't like being in the car? After the accident and everything, because if that's the case..."

I touched her arm gently to bring her panic to a halt. Weirdly, I hadn't been afraid of the car at all since the accident. Probably because I didn't remember it much. Aside from the after effects—both mental and physical—it was almost as if it'd happened to someone else.

"Mum, it isn't that.I've been in a car since,I'd just like to go on the train to give me some time to adjust. I haven't seen Natalie for a while and I need a bit of alone time to get my head in order. Nothing against you, of course."

Mum's face broke out into a smile. "You know, I always liked Natalie, she was a very good friend to you."

She didn't say 'a better friend to you than you were to her' but the implication was there. Unless I'd projected my own feelings onto Mum.

"It's good you two reconnected. I think that'll help you to get out of the rut."

"Here's hoping."

I moved to the door but stopped myself at the very last moment. Mum truly was good to me, and I kept pushing her away. If I looked at this situation through adult eyes rather than those of an irritated teenager, I could tell she was great. It was time to stop closing myself off.

I span and grabbed my very shocked mother before pulling her in for a hug.

"I love you, Mum," I told her quietly while we embraced. "I know you've done a lot for me and I really do appreciate it."

"Oh." She sounded understandably stunned. "I see, well I love you too. You know that."

I experienced an intense warmth in my heart, a connection to her I'd pushed aside for far too long. Taking responsibility and accepting everything wrong with my life had been brought on by myself was the best thing I ever could've done. As was swallowing my pride and taking the first step to making things better with Mum. It seemed I still had work to do since I continued to get in my own way from time to time.

"I have to go," I continued, finally breaking away to make my escape. If I didn't do it right away, I wasn't sure I would at all. "I'll give you a call when I get there."

"Say hello to Natalie for me and have a wonderful time. I'll see you when you return."

This was the calm before the storm, it had to be. Everything was so nice and happy, almost as if my life wasn't riddled with issues. I didn't like the idea everything could come crashing down around me at any given moment, but I knew all too well it could...

Only time would tell.
Twenty-Three

September 2018

It was so strange sitting across from Natalie, having a glass of wine with her in a sleek, modern pub. It was a huge step up from the dirt-cheap alcopops we used to obsess over in the grimy student bar. We were much more grown up, yet somehow, I managed to feel more childish than ever. She looked like a real adult, with her gorgeous hair and expensive-looking clothes, nice nails and a face which looked like it took real time rather than cheap makeup shoved on in a rush. Our outfits of skinny jeans, black tops, and heels were almost identical, yet it was clear who was better off. Natalie really had it together, which was only highlighted by our conversation.

"So, yeah, that's how Harry proposed. On the beach in Bali just before Christmas, I totally wasn't expecting it. It's a shame he has to work and couldn't come, I would love you to meet him. But then, I don't think anyone's bringing their partners anyway."

She flashed her ring at me again for added effect. The brightness of the jewel stung my eyes. Or maybe it was the agonising jealousy of everything it represented.

"That sounds so romantic. You must've been so happy."

"Well, as can be expected, Mum said it was too quick for me to get engaged, but we'd been together for almost a year by then. It isn't like I made a snap decision, I know what I'm doing. Honestly, I wish she'd just trust me."

There it was, another complex mother-daughter relationship. Only Natalie wouldn't get as bogged down by it as me. She let it roll off her like water on a duck's back.

"I'm sure she'll see at the wedding." I took a sip of drink, wincing at the bitter taste of wine. That never happened with the alcopops! "When is the wedding, by the way?"

"Oh, we aren't that far along with the plans. I'm not in any rush. For now, I'm just happy to be engaged." She sighed deeply with a small smile playing on the corners of her lips. "Anyway, we've done so much talking about me.We've talked about my job, my apartment, my love life...you must be getting sick of hearing it! Let's hear all about you."

My heart sunk, I got a heavy rock-like feeling in the pit of my stomach. Much as I knew this had to come eventually, I wasn't ready for it.

"Oh, there isn't much to tell really. I don't have an exciting life like yours."

"Come off it! You were the only one of us who had any chance of succeeding! Didn't you graduate, like, the best grades? You must've done something with that..."

"I work for a local newspaper."

"Oh, well that sounds amazing. You must really love it."

"Hmm, I don't know about that. It isn't exactly thrilling. Cornwall isn't exactly a journalist's dream."

"But, you're writing! You're going somewhere, you are..." She trailed off, seemingly sensing the sadness in my eyes. "Well, you and Scott must..."

"Nope." I had to interrupt her. No way I could go down that road.

"Oh, right. I see, I guess I just thought..." She coughed uncomfortably. "Never mind, ey?"

"I had a car crash recently." I needed to say something and this was the only safe topic. "Not a horrific one, obviously considering, but bad enough."

"That sounds dreadful! What happened?"

Natalie leapt on this like it was her saving grace. I couldn't blame her, who'd want to discuss someone's boring, miserable life when their own was so wonderful?

"I don't know, really. I don't remember much of it. From what I've been told, the other guy's brakes failed which caused him to slam into the side of my car as I drove home from work."I shook my head thoughtfully. "Such a nothing day, a typical afternoon, and it quickly became very dramatic. It's just lucky I was stopped at traffic lights. That stopped it being fatal."

Even as I told the story, it felt like discussing something from the television rather than something that'd happened to me. There was such a disconnect in my heart, I couldn't put myself in that situation however hard I tried.

"Wow, that's wild.That must've been really scary."

"I'm honestly not sure. Anyway, it made me realise I need to change a whole load of stuff, so I suppose it was good in some ways. I need to get a job I actually like and stop being in this rut. Hopefully that'll lead to me being happier. Like you are."

Natalie gave me a knowing look, I could feel the closeness we shared all those years ago coming back and I braced myself for a lecture, or at the very least some much-needed advice, but she thought better of it at the last minute and whatever she was about to say fell from her lips.

"I'm going to get some more drinks." She leapt up, much to my disappointment. "Same again, yeah?"

The sad fact was we didn't know one another in the same way any more, so we couldn't really have in-depth conversations. Maybe once upon a time Natalie was my go-to girl, but things had changed loads for her. It wasn't fair of me to put my problems on her shoulders. She'd managed to make it into real-life as a functioning person. I was the one with the issues. I had Doctor Russ to talk to and myself to work things out. Natalie hadn't come to meet me to be my agony aunt.

If I didn't start having some fun, this night would go downhill rapidly. I needed to buck up, put all my life stuff to one side, and enjoy myself, for the sake of me and Natalie. If I didn't, I risked losing her friendship forever and that was the last thing I wanted. She'd only just come back.This tiny scrap of a friendship was all I had. I needed her far more than she did me, I couldn't afford to make a mess of things.

Suck it up and smile, I warned myself. Who knows when I'll have fun again.

By the time Natalie returned with drinks I had a brand-new attitude. Tonight, was no longer about talking through my problems until a resolution had been discovered, instead I'd forget them for a few hours instead. Why the hell not?

***

"What time is it?"The music thumped louder than my words."And where the hell are we?"

"Why is it past your bedtime?"

Natalie threw her head back and roared with laughter at her own joke. I couldn't resist joining in, her mirth was so infectious. There was a lightness to my chest I hadn't had in an extremely long time. Maybe it was the amount of booze I'd consumed throughout the night, or it could've been Natalie and the good time we'd had together. Either way, it felt amazing.

"Nah, I suppose not! Shall we dance?"

I grabbed Natalie and pulled her out onto the dance floor. We threw our hands above our heads, shook our hips, and generally acted like there wasn't anyone watching us. So what if my eyes blurred a little and my head pounded? Who cared, it was only once!

"I really have missed you." Natalie leaned on my shoulder and called into my ear. "We used to have so much fun, didn't we? I thought we'd always keep in touch after uni because we were such good friends, but we didn't...that's a shame."

"We can keep in touch now, it doesn't matter. We can make up for it..."

Someone bumped into my back, almost knocking me flying. My heart raced as I turned, I half-expected to see someone I knew since there had to be others around in preparation for tomorrow, but it wasn't. Surprisingly, I found myself looking at a guy who dragged his tongue along his bottom lip as if he wanted to eat me.

"Get the hell out of here!" Natalie snarled, nearly shoving him backwards. "She's not interested in a creep like you. Look at her, she's gorgeous. Obviously, she has a boyfriend."

As I watched Natalie in action, a giggle bubbled upwards. This moment reminded me of the very first night I met her when something quite similar happened. She couldn't ever seem to keep her fiery temper in check.

I hoped back then some of it would rub off on me. If only it had.

"Honestly, who the hell does he think he is?" Natalie shook her head and tutted. "We must be getting into creep hour. I think we're too old to deal with that now, we're twenty-six for goodness sake." She linked her fingers through mine and dragged me away. "Come on, let's go back to the hotel and have some drinks there."

That suited me just fine. I only wanted to hang out with her anyway, the rest of it was simply unnecessary noise. Fun, but I didn't need it.

"Whoa!" As the cool night air hit me, I noticed how drunk I actually was. "Oops, I think going back might be a good idea. How far from the hotel are we?"

"I think it's just around the corner. I wasn't too tipsy when we got to the club so I tried to choose wisely..." As we found the building she pumped her fists in celebration. "Yes! I knew it. I'm such a legend."

"You really are. Now let's get inside."

We raced through the reception area of the hotel and took the stairs two at a time. Now the idea of bed wasn't too far away, I couldn't wait to crash into it. I wasn't even sure I had the energy to take my clothes off. Maybe it was past my bedtime after all.

"I'm so tired!" I yelled as we fell into the room. "Why am I so tired? We aren't that old, are we?"

"'Fraid so! Somewhere along the line we ended up the ancient people we swore we'd never be." Natalie flung herself onto her bed at the same time I did mine. "Crazy, huh?"

I breathed deeply and tried to focus my eyes. With my hands folded behind my head and booze swirling in my stomach, I felt like growing older might not be such a bad thing. For the first time, I didn't mind becoming an adult. It was the insecurities of being a teenager causing all the issues I had. Going back would be terrible.

"Yeah, it certainly is crazy."

"You know what's mental?" Natalie propped herself up onto an elbow to face me, so I did the same. "And I hope you don't mind me talking about it. I assume it isn't something that worries you now it's so long gone."

"What's that?"

I had no idea what was coming my way. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have allowed this box to open.

"I always thought you and Scott would end up together. I know things went wrong and it all got messed up somehow, but I assumed you'd work it out. I thought the intense examination of uni ruined it for you. Like, without everyone watching you obsessively and piling the pressure on, you'd be able to make it work."

My blood froze and I visibly stiffened. Couldn't she see the agony spread across my cheeks at the mere mention of his name? I parted my lips, trying to say something, but I didn't know where to begin.

"You were just perfect together. Don't you remember, I always used to call him your lobster?"

"Erm, yes, I do remember," I gasped desperately. "But no, we haven't spoken since university."

"Oh, my goodness, isn't it going to be super awkward when you see each other tomorrow? I didn't realise it was like that between you. Is he even going?"

It was time to confess the truth, even if I didn't want to ruin what'd been an awesome night. Natalie needed to know my plan.

"I don't know if he's going, but..."I looked over her head towards the bathroom so I didn't have to see her disappointment. "I'm not. I can't face him."

"What? Are you serious? Then why did you come?"

"I wanted to see you, of course." I gave her the brightest smile I could muster considering the situation. "I don't care about anyone else, I wanted to have tonight."

I could tell Natalie wasn't going to take that, but I had to remain strong. I'd made the right decision. I had to stick to it, no matter what.
Twenty-Four

September 2018

"Urgh, what the hell is wrong with me?" I complained loudly as I made my aching body sit. "Why did I allow you to do this?"

I grabbed onto my forehead and tried to shove some of the headache away. I couldn't even gulp because my throat was so dry, this was the worst I'd felt in a very long time. The more I moved, the more the booze sloshed about in my body, so I did what I could to remain still.

"Me?" Natalie laughed while rasping. Her deathly pale face suggested suffering on her end too. "You're the one who went all nuts. Don't you remember?"

I really didn't, but I wasn't about to get into that. The one fact I remained aware of through everything was the reunion tonight. Escaping Natalie's clutches wasn't going to be as easy as I first assumed it might be, so I needed to find a way.

"I need to eat."

I heaved at my friend's remark, almost vomiting at the mere mention of food. Nothing would be going into my stomach for a very long time.

"I need to lie here and keep as still as I can, because I really don't want to throw up."

We lay next to one another for a while in our individual beds, both struggling through a world of self-inflicted pain alone. Still, even through all the agony, I much preferred to be here with Natalie, than by myself. Here, I had a friend, someone to talk to.

"So, have you finally changed your mind about tonight?" Natalie turned to look at me. I wanted to do the same so she could see how serious I was, but I couldn't. "You must want to. There has to be other people you want to see."

"I can't go anywhere, I feel like I'm going to die."

I hoped joking around would help, but no such luck.

"Come on, Carlie, I really want you to come with me. Scott might not even be there."

I slid my eyes closed as I admitted the next, very embarrassing part. "I checked. He replied on the group thingy and said he's definitely going."

Natalie groaned. "Oh, come on. He could change his mind and you'll miss out on, like, the best night ever. Is it really worth not going on the off-chance?"

I fixed my gaze on the ceiling, examining the swirls in the paintwork closely, just to give myself something else to focus on.

"Please, Carlie. You have to come. I'm so afraid I'm going to see Gaz."

Oh...of course. I almost forgot I wasn't to only one who'd have to face an ex. How could I ignore my friend had a complex situation of her own back in her university days? I got so wrapped up in my own mess I wasn't thinking about anyone else.

"Is he going to be there?"

"He hasn't posted in the group, but Freya's invited him so he might be."

"You'll be okay seeing him though, won't you? You're engaged and happy."

She blew out a giant breath of air filled with enough sadness to actually force my head to turn. It brought on another wave of nausea, but thankfully it didn't go all the way to sickness. Her expression fell, I could see a strain behind her eyes that I hadn't seen since we met up.

"You are engaged and happy, right?"

"Oh no, don't get me wrong, I am...it's just looking backwards and seeing the person you once were and the life you used to have, well, it's dangerous isn't it? It makes you wonder what if."

Wow, I had to admit that statement went some way to making me feel a little better. At least I wasn't alone in my stirred-up emotions.

"Gaz will turn up, you know?" Natalie continued. "He's a party boy, he always was. I'm sure he won't be able to resist hanging out with the old crowd again."

Natalie's words affected me in a way I wasn't expecting. Something about her bravery inspired me. If she could face Gaz and not fall apart, then maybe I could face Scott. Okay, so I was still alone and my life was a mess, but did that matter? He didn't even need to know. I could just act like all was great. I didn't have an online persona to negate that, so why the hell not?

And if I could finally get out that sticky apology, then even better. It could even spark a whole lot of other positive changes.

It had to still be the booze swilling around in my stomach, but somehow, this didn't sound like the worst idea in the world!

Maybe, finally, Natalie was influencing me, her strength was finally becoming my own.

"Please, come with me, Carlie. Don't make me do this alone. I so want to go but I don't think I can do it without you. You have no idea how much I need you."

"You've never needed me! I'm always the one who needs you..."

"Yeah, well this time I do, and I think you owe me."

She didn't mean it, not really, but I liked how that felt. Being needed felt damn good.

"Alright, fine. If you really need me then so be it. I don't want to come, but I will. I'll support you with Gaz, but you have to support me with Scott too. If I know you're going to be there for me, I might be able to face it...but only just."

"Oh, thank God!" Natalie clapped her hands over her face. "I really thought you weren't going to."

"I don't have anything to wear," I warned her. "I didn't bring anything with me because I wasn't prepared to go."

"That's fine, we'll go shopping..." She tried to push herself off the bed but soon collapsed back when it became obvious it wasn't going to happen. "Well, not yet but later on, when I don't think I'm going to die."

Shopping with Natalie, followed by the dreaded reunion, who would've thought my day would end up like this!

***

"This dress looked better on me in the shop." I twisted my body from side-to-side staring critically at my reflection in the full-length mirror. "Now it doesn't fit right."

"What are you talking about? It looks awesome! The navy blue looks really good on you."

It was too tight, it clung to me all wrong, it amped up my nerves to an uncontrollable level. I didn't dress to go out anymore, it'd been such a long time since I did anything fun. Well, aside from last night, of course, but that was only me and Natalie. The pressure on tonight felt palpable.I'd be seen by all kinds of people.

"You look good. I love that dress on you. Why can't I look like you?"

Gaz would die when he saw Natalie. He'd rue the day he let her go because he didn't fight for her enough. Maybe his life would've moved on too, he'd still have regrets. He couldn't have anyone better than Natalie.

"You can't look like me because you get to look like you." She clamped her hands down on both my shoulders and smiled at me in the mirror. "Now, come on, take a seat and let me do your hair."

I followed her command and allowed her to drag the brush through my locks. I had to admit it wasn't the worst feeling in the world. My eyes even fell closed as the sensation of being taken care of got the better of me.

"Oh, my goodness." Natalie's words shook me from my thoughts. "Are you crying?"

"No, I..." I lifted my hand to my cheek to feel a wetness there. "Oh, I guess I am." I let out a strangled laughter-type noise. "I didn't even realise. Crazy, huh?"

"What's going on with you?What's really wrong?"

"I don't know," I admitted, maybe a little too candidly. "Nothing, everything. I don't know, all of it. Nothing's what I thought it'd be."

"Yeah, reunions do that to you, but you do know it'll all be okay in the end though, right?"

"How do you know that?" I turned to find some wisdom in my best friend's eyes. "How can you be sure everything will be okay? What if it isn't?"

"I don't know. It just has to be, doesn't it?"

I wasn't expecting that answer, I thought Natalie actually knew something. Things didn't just 'work out' for people, that was too easy. If it did, then no one would have to work for anything. They would all wait around for the good stuff to simply fall into their laps. It was down to me and how I took this second chance at life. I could either be better or the same. Or worse, I suppose, but I wouldn't let that be an option.

I really wanted to make it okay, even if it wasn't easy. I needed that inner-strength.

"Do you think maybe we should go soon? I'm still on the fence and I don't want to back out now." I did, I really did. "I've made it this far. Now you need to get me to this bar."

Me and Natalie stood next to one another for a moment in front of the mirror, simply looking at each other and ourselves. We weren't the girls that met all those years ago, full of hope and expectation about what university life would be like, but that was okay. It wasn't a bad thing we'd grown up, it'd just happened.

"Your jittery attitude is making me nervous now." Natalie pulled away from me and reached across to grab her bag. "If we don't go soon I might be the one to back out. Do you really wanton your conscience?"

I chuckled as I gathered up my belongings for the night as well. Of course I wanted Natalie to be the one to pull out, then it wouldn't be my fault, but at the same time if we didn't at least try to attend we'd always be left with questions. I had enough of them swimming through my mind, I didn't want to add to it.

If Scott was there, or even if he wasn't, at least I'd be the one who tried. I wouldn't have to keep lugging around this burden on my shoulders. Hopefully, whatever happened tonight I could finally let go of the past and move on.

The nerves gnawed at my stomach as I gave myself a little pep talk. I felt like I had a chipmunk in there chewing away at me.

It'll be over soon.I'll be fine.

I linked my arm through Natalie's and smirked at her. "We're together, at least I'm not sending you in alone, you remember that. And we can always leave if it gets lame."

Natalie nodded, paling a little as the actual event got nearer. How strange she looked so frightened when she had nothing but good news to share. It proved I wasn't the only one with hang-ups.

"Yes, we'll do that. We can have another night out just me and you if it sucks. Only maybe not as heavy. I don't think I've the strength to survive a hangover twice."

"Urgh, me neither. How the hell did we used to do it so often? I know they say you can't handle booze so much when you get older, but we aren't even old yet!"

"We're getting there. I suppose we should just start accepting it."

We left the hotel room, still linking arms, and headed towards the dreaded reunion. My heart danced and my stomach did painful flip flops but I kept on going.Somehow or another, this night would be huge, and it scared me to consider what way it'd end up. Still, I had to face it no matter what.
Twenty-Five

September 2018

I glanced around nervously, continually looking for him. The bar filled with people, it seemed everyone I could remember from university had come, but not the only person whose magnetic pull I wanted to feel. Or didn't want to feel, I still wasn't quite sure. Much as I didn't want him here, knowing he could turn up at any moment was almost too much to handle.

As I'd learned previously, anticipation was the hardest part.

"Are you okay?" Natalie wound her arm around my waist. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Erm, yeah, I think so."

I tried to force a smile, but I couldn't quite make it happen. The years of locking myself away from the world with concrete sky-high walls around me came flooding back, making it impossible for me to behave properly.

"Good, I really need you to be strong right now. Gaz just walked in."

I steeled my spine,preparing to help her out. Funny how I could be so much stronger for someone else. I nodded, letting my friend know I'd be there for her no matter what. She linked her arm through mine and took me across the room to be near him. Natalie didn't glance at Gaz, but this was all for his benefit.

I flickered my eyes between them both, wondering what she was up to. If Natalie had a happy life with her fiancé then why did Gaz matter?

Then, it hit me.

Closure.

He was always 'the one who got away', she broke things off with him because she knew their lives were going in different directions. If she could've clung onto their relationship, she would've done, so I guess this was to see what could've been if things had been different. I didn't get the impression she was ready to leave her wonderful life behind, but she probably wanted to check, in case.

If anyone could understand that, it was me.

Maybe once I saw Scott, if I saw Scott,I'd feel the same way. Just putting the past behind me...

"Oh, Natalie!" Gaz's voice rang out from behind us both. "I didn't know you were coming..."

She span around, looking more beautiful than I'd ever seen her before, and she ran her eyes up and down his body. The moment was so perfect, I wished I had a camera to record it so I could show Natalie how wonderful she'd been later on. She'd love this sight.

"Oh, Gaz." She let out a little giggle. "Yes, here I am. And here you are too."

He shifted awkwardly from foot-to-foot. It looked like Gaz was desperately searching his brain for the right words to say. Natalie was being so cool it piled the pressure on him.

"You look good, Natalie. Really good, actually. Erm, how have things been with you?"

"Oh, great." Natalie flipped her hair over her shoulder, successfully showing her engagement ring off. Gaz's eyes widened in shock, instantly he knew he'd lost. "Work keeps me busy, London life is hectic, I'm sure you know how it is."

"Yeah, yeah, I've been busy too. I mean, I haven't exactly ended up using my education for any kind of work, but it's all good."

I felt so sorry for him, I could see Gaz floundering, so I wanted to step in. He needed some reassurance, and I hoped someone else would do the same for me when I needed it.

"No, I'm not in a job I like either," I injected with a fake laugh. "Not all of us can be as awesome as Natalie."

She shot me a grateful smile, loving the way I'd boosted her up. I wondered if she knew I truly meant it. I admired her greatly for achieving her goals and gaining happiness too. I wished my life could be more like that, I was jealous of her, but mostly I was proud.

"No." Gaz looked sadly at the woman he'd lost. "Natalie is wonderful."

I saw my own pain reflected in Gaz.He seemed just like me, pining after the one person he couldn't have because he'd lost her in uni. Partly through her choice, but a lot through his own actions also. He looked desperate and pitiful, how I felt for Scott.

I excused myself for the bathroom. I needed a break while I got my act together. I needed a kick up the ass, I couldn't pine like that. I stepped away from Natalie and Gaz, allowing them to hopefully get their closure alone, and I walked across the bar. I kept my head fixed down and my eyes on the floor while I moved, not wanting to get stuck talking to anyone.

"Hey, is that Albert?"

Those words were the only thing able to stop me from taking sanctuary in the bathroom. My blood ran icy and my heart stopped beating altogether. Did this mystery voice mean someone called 'Albert', or were they referring to Scott by his surname? Damn his irritating name, my mum was right, two first names did equal trouble! I should've avoided him on that alone.

I sidled backwards trying to hide in the shadows as I dragged my eyes upwards. I needed to be sure before I made any sort of decision of what I'd do next.

"Yeah, it is Albert!" someone else commented. "I thought he wasn't coming?"

It had to be someone else, my luck wasn't that bad...

But I didn't feel convinced. I couldn't totally relax until I knew. I needed to pause, to wait for this'Albert' to join his friends so I could continue on with my night. At some point, it might even become fun!

I grabbed my phone and pretended to look at the screen while I peered over it. My heart rattled against my ribcage, it hit my bones so hard I could feel some actual, physical pain.Uncomfortable anxiety coiled through my body like an uncontrollable snake.

It's okay. I moved my eyes, slowly and carefully around the room, trying to clock everyone. It isn't him, it can't be him....

My pulse calmed a little and my ragged breathing returned to an almost normal level. I chuckled quietly, cursing myself for being such an idiot, I really needed to pull myself together.

I stepped out from my hiding place, ready to continue towards the bathroom, but I didn't get far. Again, my blood turned to ice as a powerful bolt shot through me. Something wasn't right, there was definitely a weird atmosphere in the room. My mind twisted in knots while goosebumps prickled up my neck.

I turned slowly, twisting my neck like a hideous doll in a horror movie. My head thumped, pounding as hard as my thundering heart as I tried to work out where that feeling came from. Some invisible force had complete control of me and wouldn't let go. Even my tongue felt heavy in my mouth, as if I was tongue tied...

Oh my God.

It was him, I knew it. My whole body sensed it, he rushed all over me. Scott was in the room, he'd arrived. This feeling of being completely unable to speak was all down to him.

Again.

"Scotty!" the guy from before yelled, confirming my worst suspicion. "Come over here, buddy."

I finally loosened my limbs. I wasn't sure how I made that magic happen, but I did. I freed them from their prison and practically ran to the bathroom, all while tumbling into an abyss of dread.

Scott was here, I was in the same room as him.

I grabbed onto the sink, panting desperately over it. Droplets of water fell from me into the basin below. Whether these drips were tears or sweat, I wasn't sure. Anything was possible. My worst nightmare had come to life, and I didn't know how to act.

Why the hell did I allow Natalie to talk me into this when I knew it'd end up a disaster? What sort of foolish move was that? I had to have some will power.The time had come to access it.

Eventually, I managed to drag my gaze upwards and I stared at my manic reflection in the mirror. My eyes were wide and terrified, my skin pasty and sickly-looking, my mouth turned down into a permanent frown.

I needed to face him, I knew that much. That was the real reason I'd come. I had to find closure one way or another. Seeing Scott, recovering from Scott, was the first step in moving forwards. Once I did that, I'd be able to tackle absolutely anything. I could face the world head on without any fear.

Not having closure didn't work out too well for me. I needed this. To speak up, to finally say my piece.

Playing for time, I made my way into one of the cubicles. Every second I stayed in the bathroom, I fell closer towards my doom. But, I did calm down just a little bit. At least, my heart didn't hurt when it thumped anymore, I wasn't scared it'd shatter my bones. I could almost breathe like a normal human too. I didn't sound quite like I'd just done a marathon. If only I could stop the trembling...

With one deep, and hopefully calming, breath, I plucked up the courage to shove that door open to face the world once more. It surprised me to see everything still the same in the room, despite my world falling apart. I almost expected everyone to stare at me in shock, waiting for my reaction.

It's going to be fine, I tried to reassure myself as I walked. Honestly. It will.

"Carlie!" Natalie called, thankfully grabbing my attention at just the right moment. "Over here."

I barely looked up, I walked towards her voice, preparing myself to save her from whatever mess she'd gotten herself into with Gaz. I certainly didn't expect to find her in another pickle completely.

As I finally met Natalie's gaze, I could see a warning there. A group of people surrounded her, people I recognised from the drama department at university, which could possibly mean my doom had arrived. I shook my head, the heat draining from my face while I tried to figure out my escape.

I thought I was brave, I thought I'd geared myself up for this, but standing here with the possibility of actually having to talk to him didn't feel good. I needed Natalie to rescue me.

"Jaymeson."

It was too late. He'd found me. I recognised the familiar lilt in his voice. My eyes fell closed, I wanted to groan in sheer agony. What was I going to do?

I didn't have any choice, I had to face this and turn around. I forced a smile on my lips and did just that.

"Hi, Scott," I said brightly...or at least, I planned to say that. Instead, a weird noise gurgled from my throat making it the most humiliating moment of my entire life. A searing heat burned my cheeks. I had to be red as a beetroot.

I couldn't help it, he looked even better than his photographs online, which left me barely standing. My knees knocked violently together under my dress, the shake grew to an unbearable, probably noticeable level.

His hair, still brown and shaggy, made my fingers itch to run through it. His eyes were just as welcoming and warm. He seemed taller, somehow, and definitely broader. When he grinned, those dimples cried out to me.

If anything, he was better looking than ever.

What the hell was I going to do?

Twenty-Six

September 2018

Even though I was surrounded by people, I could only feel him. He was everywhere, all over me, all around me, swimming through me...yet somehow barely even looking at me. After one little greeting, we hadn't said much to one another. It was so strange.

Was he still hurt? Did he not want to be around me? Did he hate me for giving up on us? Maybe he blamed me even more than I did myself. I didn't know if that was possible, but something had to be going on. Every nerve inside my body stood on edge as I silently tried to figure him out.

"So, no," I heard him telling one of the other guys in the group. "I'm not exactly working with my acting, but who is? Getting a dream job doesn't just happen. Anyway, I like what I'm doing now even better."

If I hadn't been such an emotional mess, that comment might've made me smile. Only Scott could turn not using his degree into something positive.

"At the moment, I'm working with a youth group, but I'm actually training to be a teacher."

That shocked me, I couldn't ever imagine him teaching. It seemed like the sort of thing I'd be more suited to on paper. But no, after being such a high-achiever at uni, I was the one left miserable with my career.

He laughed loudly, a sound which came right from the pit of his belly,sending a shiver racing down my spine. My ears buzzed, my brain span, I wasn't even sure if I remained standing upright. I could've been a heap on the floor and I wouldn't have known!

"Carlie."A hand rested on my shoulder, making me jump. I turned rapidly, trying to hide my odd behaviour. "How are you doing? I haven't seen you for ages!"

I blinked, scanning my brain desperately as I tried to figure out who this person was. I stared at a face I half-recognised, that I knew from my past, but I couldn't put a name to the face. Molly? Millie? It left me with two choices; own the fact I didn't remember and simply ask her, or play along and cover up my embarrassment. In a typical British polite way, I ended up steering towards the latter.

"Oh, right. Of course! How are you?" I reached out and embraced her. "It has been a while."

"Yeah, a long time since the good old days of English lectures."

The tight coiling sensation in my stomach loosened. At least I now knew it was someone I studied with. This didn't bring back any more memories but it was something to go on.

"Good old Mr. Turner." I laughed and rolled my eyes."God, I'm glad to be away from him."

"Actually..." She bit down on her bottom lip and smiled. "I see him all the time. I work at the university now as an assistant to the English department and I love it. It's such an exciting job, working with the staff and students. I get times when I really feel like I'm making a difference in people's lives."

She delivered another gut punch, another reminder I hadn't achieved anything half as positive. I still couldn't work out why I'd let things get so bad. Why hadn't I acted sooner? Why did it take the car crash for me to even realize there was something wrong? Had I been living this existence with blinkers on, staring blindly forwards so I didn't have to acknowledge anything?

The job never really inspired me, even from the beginning. I tried to convince myself I liked it because it was vaguely linked to my degree, but that wasn't ever the truth, so why didn't I continue to search for more? I couldn't understand what motivated me to stick to something I didn't enjoy. The job title, maybe, or comfort perhaps. Something deeper...

I didn't want to think about Mum's words for me, the way she described me as shut off from the world, but perhaps there was something to it.

"Wow, that's really..." I coughed awkwardly, trying to cover up the bitter bile filling my throat. "That's really something."

"I know, right? I'm so happy." She leaned in close so no one else could hear what she had to say next. "I was really worried when I got the invitation from Freya because I thought she'd do really well with her life. You remember what she was like back in uni, right?" All too well. "Anyway, I just saw her and she's gotten fat! Not massive, but bad enough."

"Oh." I didn't know what to say to this, I had absolutely no intention of joining in. I'd learned the hard way bitching led to nothing good. "Right."

"I mean, she just had a kid, but still...that's no excuse, is it? And the guy she had a kid with just left her."

She couldn't have been that happy. Getting such glee from someone else's misery wasn't right. I stepped back, needing to create so distance, but she wasn't done with me yet.

"So, what've you been doing? You got really good grades, didn't you? You must be in a great job..."

I slid away from her, unable to even consider getting into that conversation with a girl whose name I didn't remember. I couldn't lay my heart on the line and be honest, and I also couldn't remain this close to Scott either. It wasn't giving me any sense of closure, it riled everything up instead. I needed air, I needed space, I absolutely had to get away.

"I'm sorry, I..." I gulped in, desperately trying to fill my lungs. "I've got to go outside for a moment. I need to get some air. I'll catch up with you in a bit."

I didn't wait for her to answer, I took my trembling body and got the hell out. To the outside world, I probably looked wasted as I staggered across the room, but I didn't care. I wasn't interested in the opinions of others, the anxiety was so intense it was all I could focus on.

Once the cool, fresh night air circled me, I panted and gripped onto the railings in front of me as if it were the only thing connecting me to the planet. My body floated off somewhere else and my brain scattered all over the floor, I wasn't really me anymore.

What did I do? I was such a mess it felt safer to leave, but still I'd only have questions, no answers.

I'd come for a sense of closure I wasn't going to get so maybe I'd be better off escaping now. Natalie would understand, she'd get why I couldn't hack it. I'd see her later on at the hotel anyway.

My heart thundered hard, bouncing off my bones like a ball, so loud I couldn't hear myself think. I just needed one second of rationality to work out whether I wanted to succumb to the fight or flight sensation threatening to consume me.

I tilted my head back and stared upwards, looking towards the sky for answers from the stars.

"Hey."

The soft-spoken voice burst through the air and dragged me away from my second of peace. There he stood, with his hands stuffed into his pockets, giving me a sheepish grin.

"Hi, Scott, what are you doing?"

"You didn't look well. I thought I better come check on you. Natalie's distracted and I didn't want you to be alone."

"Natalie's distracted?"

"Gaz has her again." He chuckled, seemingly understanding the weirdness of that as much as I did. "I get the impression she's trying to get rid of him, but he isn't taking the hint."

"She's engaged." Those words blurted out my mouth at a much too rapid pace. "So, I suppose she won't be interested..."

Scott beamed, causing his dimples to pop. My stomach didn't listen to my brain at all and flip flopped violently.

"And you?"

"Me?" I narrowed my eyes playfully. "No, I don't have any interest in Gaz."

There it was again, that wonderful belly laugh. It cut so deep I couldn't join in, not even to crack a smile.

"I didn't mean that, you fool! I meant do you have someone special in your life."

I couldn't believe he'd asked me that in such an outright manner. I wasn't sure I ever would've plucked up the courage to discuss it with him.

"I...no." There wasn't any point in beating around the bush. "No, there isn't anyone."

I didn't miss the glee crossing his expression, but I couldn't read into it. I couldn't get my hopes up just to have them dashed. Hopes that had no place being there at all...

"I didn't think so, but then your Facebook page doesn't exactly give much away."

I parted my lips, desperate to ask him why he'd been looking me up online but I couldn't get the words out. I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer.

"I suppose mine doesn't either.But I don't have much interesting to say. Certainly, no girlfriend or fiancée."

He fixed his eyes on mine, gazing deeply into my soul. The stare felt so intense I had to break it in the end, before I exploded, spilling emotion everywhere. That was the moment I noticed how harsh my breathing had become.

"You're training to be a teacher?" I needed to talk about something. "I can't imagine that."

"I know what you mean.But yeah, that's where my life's going. Funny, isn't it, how things pan out?"

"Mmm, funny."What else could I say? This wasn't the time to get into the nitty-gritty with Scott. "Really strange."

A thick silence surrounded us, neither of us knew how to break it. All the unsaid things floated around our heads, driving me crazy. I could tell I was on the break of saying something too deep, which was the last either of us needed. It'd disappoint me to head back inside with no information, but if I couldn't pluck up the courage to speak, I had no choice.

"Why no girlfriend?"

What the hell? Where did that come from? I was supposed to say something breezy about buying him a drink for old time's sake. I wasn't sure how that bolt of bravery came to be.

"Why no girlfriend?" Scott's eyes flickered upwards "I don't know really. I mean, I haven't been totally single but no one's stuck around either. I haven't really sat down to work out why."

"I see."

"Maybe it's because I never got over my first love."

My blood ran cold, his words stunned me to the core. Did he mean me? He had told me he loved me once, but we were young and dumb then. We didn't know what love was, did we? I suppose I hadn't ever felt those powerful, heady emotions since.

"Your first love?" It was almost as if the words weren't coming from me anymore. "I see."

Scott waited for me to say more, but I couldn't find the words. My lips had been sewn together and nothing wanted to come out.

"Yes, my first love." He tucked his finger under my chin and forced me to look at him. The moment our eyes connected, the world around us stilled and it became only me and him. "This crazy girl back from university who completely rocked then shattered my world."

Rocked and shattered...rocked and shattered.

"She was everything to me. I assumed we were going to last forever, but it all fell apart rapidly and I never really learned why. I guess at the time I was too stubborn and full of pride to ask what'd gone wrong. I accepted it because it felt like the easiest thing to do."

My insides melted, I turned into jelly.

"But I'm not a child anymore. I'm a grown man and now I fully intend to get the answers I need. That's why I'm here."

Those words were too much, they made this feel even less like reality. Scott wanted to talk, he wanted to really hash it out. He was done being childish and skating around the subject. He finally wanted to dive in, so I had to suck it up, be strong, and go along with it.

It seemed we'd both come to this reunion for one thing only. It was time to get it.

"Okay," I gasped, nodding rapidly. "Yeah, that's a good idea. I think we should talk it through too."

"Hey." He nudged me playfully. "Who said I was talking about you?"

I tried to laugh, but I couldn't get the mirth out. I suppose it wasn't funny.

Twenty-Seven

September 2018

"I...I..." I needed to say something, I couldn't just stammer like an idiot all night. My face burned brightly,like I was on fire. "I don't know what to say right now."

"No, I know. I don't either." Scott rocked back-and-forth on his toes. His shoulders hunched up around his ears. "But I think we need to discuss it some time, don't you? Unless you want to spend another five years not talking to one another."

Hmm, that suggested he actually wanted to be in each other's lives from here on out, which was an offer so tempting I could hardly stand it. The idea of walking away from here knowing I could've been Scott's friend again and I turned it down was just too much to bear. Even standing in front of him reminded me of the girl I once was before life got me down. I was fun, everything excited me, I used to have a spark.

Damn, I wanted that spark back!

"Yeah, I don't want that." I shook my head determinedly. "I don't want to not speak to you again. It's been weird."

His whole face lit up. "It has been weird, don't you think?"

"Oh, it sure has. But it seems like you've done well for yourself. Better than me."

A weird tension clung to the air, so thick and stifling I could hardly breathe. My lungs lay hot and heavy in my chest as I looked desperately at Scott, who still towered above me. I needed some sort of sign from him, a clue to what he was thinking.

"I'm sure you've done just fine, Carlie. I mean, your ambition was always your driving force, wasn't it?"

I hung my head low, refusing to look him in the eye as he slung that accusation at me. He was right, how could I argue with him? The only reason we ever had the stupid fight in the first place was because I freaked out about my future. I made the dumbass, childish decision I couldn't have him and a career.

"I guess so, but it hasn't done my any favours."It felt oddly good to admit that."There are a lot of things I should've done differently."

I recalled him saying the same thing to me once, that he wanted to do things differently, right before he declared that he'd make me fall in love with him.

"I think the same goes for all of us. I don't think anyone gets this far without regrets."

"Hmm, maybe so."

I still couldn't look at him. My one main regret stood in front of me, cracking my heart in two all over again. The urge to wrap my arms tightly around him and refuse to let him go this time was almost overwhelming. I had to keep my limbs clamped to my side to stop me from acting foolish.

"Do you think we should discuss what happened at university? I know it's tough to dredge up the past, especially when it happened ages ago, but if we don't ever mention it then it'll always be the elephant in the corner of the room. We don't have to do it right now, but we should...I don't know, plan to, right?"

I huffed loudly, accepting my fate. "It might as well be now." If we didn't do it right away then it'd only get worse. I couldn't bury my head in the sand any longer.

Scott looked relieved as I agreed. "Okay, so first off, I want to apologise for hurting you. Now I'm older, I can see everything I did wrong, and it sucks. I don't like remembering all the times I upset you. I hate the memories when you have that sad little look on your face...a bit like the one you're wearing right now."

I ignored the 'sad little look' comment, I was too stunned. I couldn't believe he'd just said that! All the time I'd been planning to say sorry and it seemed Scott had been doing the same thing. I guess with all the regret I'd suffered I forgot he hurt me too. All those times it must've been obvious I had feelings for him and he kinda just ignored it. When he tested me with Freya, when he dated Kat, even the way he suddenly decided it was time for us to be together.

"Oh...I don't know...erm, I'm not sure what to say. That's..."

"I knew dating Kat wasn't right, even at the time, I'm man enough to admit that, but I was young and dumb. I know it isn't an excuse, but it's all I got. I wouldn't behave that way now. I'd never try to make you jealous."

I pressed my hand to my chest, feeling the racing of my heart. It went wild, almost painfully so.

"Right, well obviously I'm sorry too."It was easier to say now. "I'm the one who yelled at you and broke things off for no good reason. I can't..."Burning tears filled my eyes. "I don't even know why I acted like that. I got all crazy. Natalie had just spit up with Gaz because he wouldn't fit in with her life after uni and it got me thinking about mine. I didn't know what I was going to do and it scared me."

Scott took one step closer to me and cocked his head curiously. "It wasn't just that though, was it? You kept yelling something about being perfect, and that's always troubled me. I didn't ever want you to think I expected perfection from you."

I recalled the horrific sensation in my chest when I felt that way, like I'd suffered an agonising gut punch. "No, it was much more about me than you. It was my insecurities making me act nuts. Plus, everyone watching us all the time, making comments. I felt like they could all see I wasn't good enough for you. You were the only person who hadn't realised it. Just like you,I've no excuse other than being young and dumb. I couldn't hack everything coming to an end, so I took it out on the only person I could. Unfortunately, it was you."

Scott's mouth twisted into a lopsided smile and he slipped his hand into mine without saying another word. The delicious feeling of his velvety fingers had me intoxicated. I started at our hands loving all the loneliness I'd been experiencing melting away.

"So, if that was me, it means you cared about me a lot. I was your punching bag. That's an important role."

"Trust you to find the positive! My god, Scott, you're nuts."

"I'm always positive, you know me, that's my role in life. Well, aside from being your punching bag." He belly-laughed at his own joke. "Okay, so maybe it wasn't the best thing because I ended up losing you, but at least I feel like I understand a little better...sort of."

"I don't understand it much myself, so I can't really explain it well. I was just inside my own head, freaking out. All the time. But you...you were wonderful." I tingled all over. "You were perfect."

This time, thinking about Scott's perfection was warm like sun rays beating down on my head. How did I ever turn him being wonderful into something to fear? What a fool!

"Are you still as messy now?"

I didn't see any point in lying, so I nodded. It felt surprisingly good to be honest.

"You won't always feel that way. Trust me, it'll start to make sense eventually."

Scott cupped my cheeks in his hands and stared down at me with an intense gaze. His eyes lured me in and locked me in place, ensuring I couldn't drag my gaze away even if I wanted to. My pulse kicked up a notch, my head span due to the lack of air, a tremble shivered through me...

Then the world stopped completely. Scott's lips crashed down onto mine and he knocked the remaining air right out of me. I wasn't expecting it so I didn't get a powerful moment of anticipation. It just happened, and my god it was incredible. Fireworks exploded all over my body, making me feel alive. Every electrical spark flickered to life and I blossomed into a beautiful flower.

I felt phenomenal, like a goddess. In a way, it was similar to reconnecting with Natalie. It brought me back to the person I was supposed to be. The girl I missed badly.

Eventually, much too soon, me and Scott pulled apart. We remained so close our noses touched, but we weren't kissing any longer. Love sparkled in his eyes, he appeared hungry and possessive, and damn I really loved it. It made me yearn for more...

"I really do feel bad," I told him sadly. "I know I messed up, I really made a mess of things and I do want you to know how truly sorry I am. I never wanted to hurt you."

"I know, you aren't like that..."

"But I must be, because I did. I wish it hadn't happened." Emotion got the better of me, I started to feel sick under the pressure of it. Everything I'd locked away wanted to spill out. I'd started talking and couldn't stop."I keep thinking I must just be a terrible person and that's why bad things always happen to me, and because of me as well."

Something happened inside me,my body began to tighten and panic. I became acutely aware none of it mattered anyway, my apology couldn't change anything. Too much had happened, we had too much painful water under the bridge, I couldn't ever have him however much I wanted to. This wasn't closure, more reopening the wound.

"Carlie, it's okay. Honestly. I understand more than you think. You seem to have this idea in your mind that I'm perfect, but I'm not. I never have been, especially not when we were in uni. I did some unforgivable things as well. We can get past it, can't we?"

"Get past it, how?" I needed to know exactly what he meant.

"Are you going to make me say it aloud?" I remained silent, answering him without words. "Okay, I will. In the spirit of being a grown man. I want to try again, me and you. I don't think we're done yet.Things got cut short because we were both young and dumb, but now we're much more grown up and we can actually be in a real relationship. I want to see how it'll work out. We are both here in the same place at the same time, single, and it seems like the residual feelings remain for both of us. If this isn't fate intervening, then what is?"

Wow...I knew Scott was always a bit more straightforward than me, but that was huge. He'd just asked to be with me in a proper grown up relationship. Even if there was a massive part of me wanting that, what if it all went wrong again?

It was all well and good thinking that it could be fate, but what if destiny continued to get it wrong with us?

"Isn't it too late? What if too much time has passed..."

"Do you want to spend your whole life wondering what could have been? Because I don't. I let you go once, and you did me, but we could try once more. Why not?"

"I don't know." I shook all over. "It's too scary..."

Scott shut me up by pressing his lips to mine once more. I suppose he was right, it didn't feel too late as we kissed. More like the world was our oyster and we had it all waiting for us. Images I hadn't dared let my brain think about for years flooded me. Me and him being together, loving one another, creating a life. The concept of me and Scott as a couple wasn't quite so alien. I didn't deserve it, but I had a second chance lay out in front of me.

"Come with me now." He tugged me lightly towards him and I fell willingly into his arms. "Message Natalie and tell her we need to talk. Come to mine and we'll talk things through."

"You live here?" I wasn't sure why that surprised me. I guess I thought he'd go back to his hometown, or maybe onto London instead. "Wow, there's so much I need to learn about you."

"Yeah." Scott's face turned serious. "And we have as long as you want to do it."

I nodded silently, tugging my phone out my pocket as we moved. Maybe this was dumb, but I couldn't resist Scott. It'd always been that way. Hopefully this time, I wouldn't end up in as much trouble as I did before...
Twenty-Eight

September 2018

Waking up in Scott's arms was the strangest, but loveliest, feeling in the world. It was so unexpected, not at all how I thought the reunion would go. I stirred from my peaceful night of sleep trying to adjust to where I found myself.A tiny voice at the back of my brain wanted to worry, to find all the things wrong with this situation, however nice it felt. On the one hand, maybe it'd lead to something amazing. We were both older now, supposedly more mature, able to accept our feelings better. But on the other—much more terrifying—hand maybe we'd mess things up all over again.

A second chance was one thing. I didn't think we'd get a third. This truly was it. I couldn't defy all my instincts and go backward again.

"Good morning," Scott murmured in a light-hearted tone, not plagued like me.

"Yeah, morning."

I turned onto my side and flickered my gaze towards him. The moment our eyes connected a jolt tore through my body. All my organs burst back to life as if they'd lay dormant just waiting for the moment I could be back in his arms again.

Five long years I'd waited, and by the sound of it so had he.

"So, this is crazy, isn't it?"

"Yep." I nodded tentatively. "It sure is."

"I guess we have a lot to talk about, don't we? I mean really talk. Don't you think?"

"We have more to say?" I let out a strangled laugh. "Didn't we cover most things last night?"

Scott propped himself onto his elbow and stared down on me. "Are you serious? I barely know anything about your life now. We can't pretend it's five years ago, can we?"

"No...I suppose not."

"I can make us something to eat if helps?" I had to admit it would, food always did. "Why don't you jump in the shower and I'll get something sorted."

I swallowed down, trying to keep my composure. I didn't want Scott to see the sudden tremble encasing my entire body.

"Yep, sure."

I watched him leave, my pulse racing at a million miles an hour. With therapy, I guess I'd learned to be a little more open, but the idea of being so raw and vulnerable with Scott terrified me. I'd told him some things, I'd exposed myself a little, but it wasn't enough. He needed more. He wanted all of me. It should've been flattering, but I feared it.

Last time I tried to be open with Scott, I ran. I took off and ended things. That was something I'd regretted ever since. This time, if I wanted things to be different, I needed to plant my feet firmly in the ground and remain still. I had to give him everything he wanted. I had to be strong.

I jumped up and raced towards the bathroom, needing the steaming hot jets of water to calm me down. If I went into this conversation with this uncomfortable snake of emotion coiling through my stomach, I wouldn't survive it.

"You can do this," I tried to convince myself as I stepped into the shower. "The hard part is over now. This should be easy."

I stared at the droplets of water running down my leg over the scar the car crash had left behind. The only reminder I needed. I couldn't have any more regrets. I didn't want to be that close to death again knowing I'd done things wrong. I had to try.

***

I perched on the edge of my chair, chewing the pancakes slowly and purposefully. Every so often my eyes would dart up towards Scott while I waited for him to finally start this conversation, but so far, no luck.

At this rate, the anticipation would kill me!

"This is lovely," I rasped out. "Since when did you get to be such a good cook?"

"Well, I couldn't live on pasta forever, could I?" He smirked. "Your chef skills must've improved too...unless your mother still does all the hard work for you."

I hung my head low, ashamed, but also needing to be honest. "Actually, my mum has been helping me quite a bit recently..."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I honestly didn't mean any offense. I know loads of people who had to go back to their folk's home after their financial situation tanked..."

"No, it isn't that, I do have my own place. I had a..." I breathed deep. Why was this so hard to say? I suppose because my last thought at the moment of impact was about him. When I thought I was about to die, he was the main person on my mind. Even after five years with no contact, it was always him.Not that I had to tell him, but I had a funny feeling he'd be able to see right through me. "I had an accident. A car crash, and for a while I was quite badly injured."

Scott cocked his head to one side and raked his eyes over me. This look somehow managed to feel more intrusive than any other. I shifted uncomfortably under the spotlight of examination.

"Wow. I didn't know that. How long ago? Are you alright now?"

A heat crept up my cheeks. For some reason, all I could think about was the incredibly personal journal pages I'd written. A lot of them about him.

"It was a few months back. I'm doing much better, as you can probably tell. I'm not limping anymore anyway."

"Was it bad?"

That question made me flinch. In all the things I'd been forced to discuss, no one had actually asked me outright what the crash was like. Even Natalie only asked me how scared I was. It dragged up things I'd pushed right down.

"In the moment, it felt a lot worse than it was. I wasn't fully paying attention and another car's breaks failed while I was at a red light. It slammed into the side of my car and knocked it over. It definitely wasn't the worst accident ever, but for a second I did think I was going to die."

I chuckled weakly, trying to make a bit of a joke out of the situation, but Scott didn't join in.

"Woah, that must've been awful, I can't even begin to imagine. Did it make you re-evaluate stuff?"

This time, the laugh was real. "You have no idea."

I pulled my eyes from the floor and forced them to meet Scott's. He chewed down on his bottom lip thoughtfully. This seemed to bother him, a lot more than it should've. I mean, I survived it. Yes, it might've given me a few bumps and scrapes along the way, but I was alright. Emotionally bruised, outwardly a little scarred, but mostly still here.

"I don't know what that would've done to me," he finally announced. "I don't know what I would've reassessed really. Like, what would come to me in that near-death moment?My life is pretty comfortable as it is. I mostly like my job, even if it isn't what I thought I'd end up doing, I have a good circle of friends, an active social life, I'm happy. I suppose I haven't ever met anyone quite like..." He glanced up at me, almost as if he'd forgotten I was there. "Well, you know. Like you. What me and you had was everything."

He didn't share my honesty fears, he seemed to find it so easy. I needed to attempt the same.

"You."

"Huh?" He furrowed his eyebrows curiously.

"You...you were the one thing on my mind as that car crashed into mine." Was this feeling freeing, or more like I'd sunk further into quicksand? "I have lots of regrets, lots of things I don't like about my life. A job that makes me miserable, not many friends, no love life to speak of, no one that makes me feel special, or any less lonely to be honest. My relationship with my mum isn't the best either. But it was your face I thought of."

Scott remained silent for far too long. It felt like forever. His wide, shocked eyes almost bugged out his head. I panicked,maybe my words were too heavy. Internally, I began to retreat.

But then he rose from his chair, he scooped me into his arms, and kissed me hard once more. This kiss was even more powerful and intense than any from last night. Things were no longer unspoken, we were so much freer now. It was a moment I wanted to cling to forever more. I never wanted to let him go.

Perhaps this time I wouldn't have to.

"Let's not mess things up again," he begged in between kisses. "Let's do things properly this time. Let's..."

"Communicate?" I offered since that was our obvious issue last time."Talk to each other."

"Communicate and be supportive. I shouldn't have walked away when you were clearly struggling. If I could do it again,I'd stand strong and be there for you. I've been waiting for five years and I've learnt in that time. I won't be young and dumb again. It'll be good...not perfect, but good."

This time, I knew I'd let him. I'd tried to tackle the world alone and it hadn't worked out too well for me. I didn't expect Scott to be my knight in shining armour, I didn't want him to resolve everything for me, but having him by my side would be a good start.

"I can't believe I came to the reunion to find you, to make this happen, and it has. I'm so lucky."

"Well, in the spirit of being honest, I came to get closure. To put you behind me. I guess I failed!"

"You should've known, Jaymeson, you'll never get rid of me."

"So, what do we do now?" I ran my finger lightly down his cheek, touching the man who was all mine. "I mean, right now. Where do we go from here?"

"Well, since I haven't ever taken you out on a proper date, that might be a good start."

"You did, don't you remember?"

He nudged my hip. "Of course I do. It was one of the best nights of my life. I just wanted to see if you did. Well, okay I want to take you out on another date then, if that's alright with you?"

"When?"

"Right now."

I immediately shook my head. "I can't do right now. I don't have anything to wear, only my dress from last night, and you just know Natalie's freaking out about me somewhere."

"That girl." He chuckled. "She never changes."

"Hmm, maybe not. But who'd want her to?"

Scott circled his arms around my waist and held me possessively to his chest. "Okay, fine. I can't take you right now. What about later on? Can I take you somewhere tonight? Do you have to go back home yet?"

"I suppose so." I teased him by playing it cool. "It isn't like I have anything else to do, so why not?"

I could stay in Bristol a little while longer. For him.

"You don't make things easy for me, do you?" He rested his forehead against mine and stared deep into my eyes. I lost myself in the warm hazelnut colour that'd been haunting my dreams for as long as I could remember. "But then again, I should know what to expect by now."

The familiarity felt wonderful. It made things simple. With Scott, I knew exactly what I was getting.We understood one another, there was a short-hand between us. But this was new territory as well. The future was blank. An open book for us to write the next part of our story. I didn't think it'd be a smooth path, we'd surely come across obstacles along the way, but at least we were going to give it a try. If we failed, then so be it.I'd know we weren't meant to be, I wouldn't need to think of it as this thing which could've been amazing if I'd let it.

As long as I tried, I wouldn't ever have to wonder 'what if?' again.

The car crash sucked, it led to some dark times, but now I was getting my second chance. Another try at love, at friendship, at being the person I wanted to be. I couldn't screw this up. I had to take this tragedy and learn from it, I had to transform it into something amazing, or what was the point of it all?

Epilogue

June 2019

I hadn't been back to this spot since the day it happened. There wasn't anything to draw me to the place where everything changed dramatically, I didn't even live nearby any longer. But today, the year anniversary of the moment another car slammed into mine, it felt right. I stared at the scene, knowing I needed this.

If I hadn't been in the car that day, if I wasn't sinking into a downwards spiral because everything was too hard, if my emotions weren't wrecked, then nothing would've turned out as it had.

Being with Scott wasn't exactly as I imagined, there were times it definitely wasn't perfect. Maybe if we didn't know how hard it was to be apart from one another, we would've given up. Thankfully, struggling with Scott was so much better than being without him. Even in our hard times, he made me happy. He was the one person who could bring a smile to my face even when I thought there wasn't a scrap of joy left inside me. Just by being him.

I didn't ever want to be without him again.

Natalie had become another rock. Okay, so I didn't get to see her as much as I'd like, the distance between us made it hard, but we had technology to keep us connected, and we both made an effort to visit. The more time I spent with her, the more I saw her life wasn't picture perfect either.But one of the most important things to come from this was the knowledge no one had that. Everyone had their issues. Those problems just couldn't feel as bad with wonderful people surrounding me.

I'd done a lot of good for myself as well, it wasn't all about the richness other people brought to my life. I took the power into my own hands to make things right. I made more of an effort with other people, mainly my mother, I put more into life in general, and I finally started chasing the things I wanted.

The more I put into life, the more I got out of it. Whoever told me that was right.

From that, I landed myself a job in a copy editor's office. Only a junior position vaguely linked to where I want my life to go, but it was a step. Not only did I enjoy the work, the people were awesome too. Supportive and inspiring, rather than ready to tear one another down. This reignited my love for all the things I studied at university and it gave me my passion back. My drive too. I'd returned to writing every single day. One day, I hoped to have a novel to finally call my own.

I still didn't know what tomorrow would hold, the accident had taught me anything could change in a heartbeat, but I had the ability to tackle anything. I wasn't powerless, I didn't feel everything spinning out of control, I'd become the driver of my own damn vehicle and I could steer in whatever direction I wanted.

Finally, somewhere it hit me I was enough,I could do anything, and that kept me going every single day. I had my voice now, I was no longer tongue-tied.

All I had to do was keep being me.

For more by Samie Sands, don't forget to check out the AM13 Outbreak Series:

Lockdown

Leah Watton's practical joke has spiraled way out of control—all to impress a crush. Now everyone thinks that zombies are coming...

Forgotten

Every attempt to contain the deadly AM13 virus has failed, leaving humanity on the brink of extinction. When it does, you don't want to be one of the forgotten...

Extinct

Writing books about the horrors of the zombie apocalypse is one thing—but Georgie Blake can't believe it has become her reality...

Not Dead Yet

The world is divided as everyone tries to work out how to survive.

Or for some more romance:

Lottie Loves

All these memories are dangerous. They're bringing my past back to ruin my future. And worst of all, they're taking me right back to him, my childhood sweetheart, my first love...my biggest regret.

Living on Borrowed Time

Lara Rogers isn't supposed to be here. She was supposed to die over a year ago from a long-term illness, yet somehow she managed to make a miracle recovery. The only problem is now she has an endless future stretched out in front of her—one that she wasn't expecting, and one that she has no idea what to do with.

How can she fall in love while in the middle of a self-destruct cycle?

For more, and to check out some of the international best-selling anthologies featuring Samie Sands, check out samiesands.com.

