ALL WEEK, I'VE BEEN BRINGING YOU
THE LATEST FROM THE TRIAL OF
CONSPIRACY RADIO HOST AND
FURIOUS HARDBOILED EGG, ALEX
JONES.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU GUYS KNOW WHO HE IS?
YOU KNOW WHO ALEX JONES, IS
"INFO WARS."
VERY POPULAR.
DONALD TRUMP IS A BIG FAN.
JONES IS IN A LEGAL BATTLE WITH
HIS EX-WIFE, WHO SAYS HE'S TOO
UNSTABLE TO HAVE CUSTODY OF
THEIR CHILDREN.
AND TO PROVE IT, SHE'S BEEN
SHOWING THE COURT VIDEOS LIKE
THIS:
>> GEORGE WASHINGTON WITH
DIARRHEA RUNNING OUT OF HIS
PANTS ON TOP THAT HORSE MARCHING
TO KICK ASS!
MARCHING NOT TO GIVE UP!
TAKING ACTION!
THAT'S WHO WE COME FROM, AND WE
LET ALL THESE HUNCHBACK SCUM
RULE US!
I WILL NEVER SUBMIT TO YOU!
AND THE HUMAN SPIRIT IS RISING!
YOU WILL NOT TURN US INTO
ANIMALS!
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YES, YOU CAN NEVER
TURN ALEX INTO AN ANIMAL,
BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY A RABID
BADGER.
BUT JONES' LAWYER DEFENDED HIM,
SAYING THAT WHEN HE SAYS STUFF
LIKE THAT, JONES IS JUST PLAYING
A CHARACTER.
AND, EVIDENTLY, YESTERDAY JONES
TOOK THE STAND AND BACKED THAT
UP.
REPORTEDLY, @REALALEXJONES
CALLED OUT STEPHEN COLBERT--
IN TESTIMONY-- THAT'S ME.
AND SAID, "HE WAS MAKING FUN OF
ME THE OTHER DAY, BUT HE DOESN'T
TAKE THAT HOME TO KIDS."
THAT IS TRUE.
I DON'T TAKE THAT HOME.
WHENEVER I TALK ABOUT ALEX
JONES, MY WIFE WILL NOT LET ME
INTO THE HOUSE UNTIL I AM
DELOUSED.
SHE MAKES ME BURN MY CLOTHES
OUTSIDE BEFORE I ENTER THE
AIRLOCK.
YOU EVER SEE IN THE "ADROM
NASTRAIN?"
LIKE THAT.
WE ALSO LEARNED A BIT ABOUT HOW
THE MARRIAGE WENT WRONG.
JONES TOLD THE COURT THAT EVEN
THOUGH HIS EX-WIFE WAS A MEMBER
OF PETA, JONES LIKES TO EAT
ZEBRA STEAKS.
"AND WOULD YOU LIKE THAT RARE,
OR MEDIUM RARE?"
I'D LIKE IT EXTREMELY RARE,
ENDANGERED, IN FACT.
OF COURSE, ONE OF THE
ACCUSATIONS AGAINST HIM IS DRUG
USE, WHICH HE ADMITTED TO,
SAYING HE SOMETIMES SMOKES
MARIJUANA, NEARLY YEARLY, "TO
MONITOR ITS STRENGTH, WHICH IS
HOW LAW ENFORCEMENT DOES IT."
( LAUGHTER )
YES, EVERYONE REMEMBERS THAT
ONE "LAW & ORDER" EPISODE PER
YEAR WHERE THE DETECTIVES BURN
DOWN THE DANK BUD, THEN SIT ON
THE COUCH WITH A BUNCH OF
SNACKS, AND BINGE-WATCH "LAW &
ORDER."
IT'S PRETTY TRIPPY.
IN FACT, IT'S NOT JUST "LAW &
ORDER."
IT'S REAL.
ALL COPS DO THIS.
ALL POLICEMEN GET STONED ONCE A
YEAR.
BUT FIRST THEY LOOK IN THE
MIRROR AND SAY, "AM I A COP?
I GOTTA TELL ME IF I'M A COP.
AND AGAIN, I FEEL BAD FOR ALEX
JONES HERE.
IN THE PAST-- I'M A PERFORMER--
AND I'VE BEEN JUDGED FOR THE
THINGS I'VE SAID WHILE IN
CHARACTER, SPECIFICALLY THE
CHARACTER OF TUCK BUCKFORD, WHO
IS THE HOST OF THE RIGHT-WING
RADIO SHOW "BRAINFIGHT."
>> I GOTTA TELL YOU
BRAINFIGHTERS, BEN FRANKLIN HAD
IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME, JUST
EXPLODING ALL OVER THAT KITE IN
THE MIDDLE OF A RAINSTORM!
BUT DID THAT STOP HIM?
NO!
IT DID NOT!
HE KEPT GOING, OKAY!
AND JUST IT WENT EVERYWHERE,
OKAY!
AND THAT'S HOW HE INVENTED THE
MOIST TOWELET!
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, BRAIN NATION, I GOTTA TELL
YOU, OLD TUCK'S A BIT MELLOW
TODAY BECAUSE FOR YOUR SAFETY I
HAVE BEEN TESTING THE STRENGTH
OF SOME OF GEORGE SOROS'
PATENTED MIND-CONTROL MARIJUANA.
I DO IT ONCE A YEAR, AND THEN
ONCE AN HOUR FOR A YEAR, JUST
LIKE THE BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN OF
THE COAST GUARD.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE BUTANE.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, I GET A LOT OF CALLS
SAYING, "YOU'VE ACCUSED THE
TOOTH FAIRY OF NOT BEING REAL,
BUT WHAT DO WE TELL OUR KIDS?"
YOU TELL YOUR KIDS THE TRUTH,
OKAY!
TOOTH FAIRY'S REALLY THE C.I.A.
COMING TO OUR CHILDREN'S ROOMS
AT NIGHT TO COLLECT THEIR D.N.A.
OFF THE LITTLE MOLARS AND THE
BICUSPIDS TO USE THE D.N.A. TO
GENERATE ARTIFICIAL CYBER SPERM
THAT THEY SELL TO THE WITCH'S
COFFENS WHO USE TURKEY BAIFTERS
TO INSEMINATE EACH OTHER TO
CREATE AN ARMY OF DEMON BABIES
TO FIGHT OUR WARS!
I'M NOT MAKING THIS STUFF UP!
I'M IMAGINING IT, OKAY?
NOW, IF YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING THE
NEWS, YOU MAY HAVE HEARD FROM MY
EX-WIFE, DEB, THAT I'M A
MARIJUANA ADDICT WHO SHOULD NOT
BE TRUSTED WITH MY OWN CHILDREN.
IT IS NOT TRUE.
I AM JUST LOGGY FROM EATING ALL
THIS DELICIOUS GIRAFFE MEAT.
AND, YES, MY WIFE IS AN ANIMAL
LOVER, AND, YES, THIS IS THE
APRIL THE GIRAFFE.
BUT I'M MAN WITH TEETH, TEETH
THAT CHEW, AND A THROAT THAT
SWALLOWS, AND A HEART IN MY
CHEST THAT BEATS FOUR TO FIVE
TIMES A MINUTE BECAUSE OF ALL
THE MEAT I'VE BEEN CHEWING.
YOU'RE DEAD!
I'M ALIVE!
YOU'RE DEAD!
I'M ALIVE!
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE
TO CHECK OUT SOME OF THE CRACK
COCAINE THE DEPARTMENT OF
JUSTICE HAS BEEN PUSHING ON THE
MUPPETS ON "SESAME STREET."
BIG BIRD'S IN ON IT.
SNAFALOPOLOUS ISN'T REAL.
FALSE FLAG.
LET'S SEE HOW GOOD THIS CRACK
IS.
WOOOO!
THAT IS STRONGER THAN IT WAS
THIS MORNING!
KIDS, DON'T DO THIS STUFF, OKAY?
BECAUSE IF YOU TRY TO TAKE MINE,
YOU WILL DRAW BACK A BLEED
STUMP!
YOU WILL FIGHT MY BRAIN!
MY BRAIN HAS COBRA FANGS WILL!
YOU'LL BE DEAD IN EIGHT SECONDS.
HEMATOXINS!
( LAUGHTER )
TODAY'S SHOW IS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY BLUE APRON, NOT THE FOOD, THE
LED-LINED SMOCK THAT KEEPS THE
NATIONAL PARK SERVICE SATELLITES
FROM PHOTOGRAPHING YOUR GENITALS
WHILE YOU SLEEP SO I NEVER
SLEEP!
GIVE ME THAT CRACK!
I'M GOING TO PUT IT ON MY DING
DONG JUST LIKE THOMAS JEFFERSON
TOLD US TO DO IN THE MAGNA
CARTER!
OH, THAT'S GOOD!
OH, THAT'S GOOD!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
ROSARIO DAWSON IS HERE.
