

### Ying, Yang and Ambivalence

by

### Paul Vayro

Smashwords Edition

### ********

Published by: Paul Vayro on Smashwords

Unintended Heroes

Copyright 2014 Paul Vayro

Smashwords Edition Licence Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
To Pat and Stan, or as I know them, mum and dad; for letting me chase happiness in life without insisting on becoming a proper adult, and for being the emotional safety net I know is always there, should my balance upon the tightrope of life ever waver.

### Contents

Prologue

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

Nine

Ten

Eleven

Twelve

Thirteen

Fourteen

Fifteen

Sixteen

Seventeen

Eighteen

Nineteen

Twenty

Twenty-One

Twenty-Two

Twenty-Three

Twenty-Four

Twenty-Five

Twenty-Six

Twenty-Seven

Twenty-Eight

Twenty-Nine

Thirty

Thirty-One

Thirty-Two

Thirty-Three

Thirty-Four

Thirty-Five

Thirty-Six

Thirty-Seven

Thirty-Eight

Thirty-Nine

Forty

Forty-One

Forty-Two

Forty-Three

Forty-Four

Forty-Five

Forty-Six

Forty-Seven

Forty-Eight

Forty-Nine

Prologue

For those who have read neither T is for Time or Unintended Heroes, the first two books in The Ambler's Odyssey series, there is important information you will need to know concerning the Earth they inhabit and the funny little rock's place in the affections of the universe.

There also follows a brief summation of anything you may need to know from Unintended Heroes, in order to leave you ready for Ying, Yang and Ambivalence. It isn't essential to know the full history of Brick and Spiritwind to enjoy the third instalment, but it may turn an inquisitive furrow of the brow into a giggle as some of the in-jokes of the universe trickle forth.

For those who have read both books, many thanks. I'm happy to see my words are keeping you intrigued enough to sit through a third adventure. Feel free to read the prologue anyway, but consider it a quick freshen up rather than a full makeover.

The original Earth had been a humble planet in an up and coming area of the universe. Known only for its extensive swimming facilities and glorious golf courses it remained a grade two planet and thus exempt from universal law; grade two being any world that realises life must be out there but not yet in meaningful contact with it. This left the quiet planet exempt from the ongoing debate over language.

Aware that communication is the key to harmony, the great minds of the wider ethos had asked if having several languages per planet was such a good idea. How can any global society hope to flourish when one nation is unable to ask another to pass the salt? Taking the question to the highest courts in the universe the discussions continued, mainly over extortionately priced lunches that were entirely tax deductible, and a new law was eventually passed. It declared that any world that came under universal jurisdiction, that being grade three and above, would be limited to only one language.

The lawyers, whose responsibility it became to implement the law, were exhausted once the job was done and booked a well deserved all inclusive golfing holiday on Earth. Pitching and putting their way across Europe and in to China they were horrified as they stumbled across language after language, each mocking their efforts more than the last. Unsure how to even begin sorting such a mess, three languages had been the previous maximum encountered on one planet, the lawyers returned to their superiors with a tale to tell. After several high level lunches, and an emergency dinner, a sub section to the language law was passed: It declared the Earth off limits to any outside attempts at communication, even on its birthday. Were it ever to achieve grade three status i.e. any planet in meaningful contact with at least one other, it would come under the universe's jurisdiction and be forced to use only one language. The admin required for such a task would need a planet to house it, and the cost of lawyers overtime would bankrupt several galaxies. The story however did not end there.

News of the Earth's abundance of languages soon spread across the universe, attracting interest from all quarters. Although everybody was ultimately driven by curiosity, the scientists, wishing to name a law or principle after themselves, claimed theirs to be more worthy and pushed to the front of the queue. Once there they measured, observed and pondered, every angle searching for the infamy their great discovery would bring; however when it did come it wasn't from the mind of the dedicated brains that yearned for it so desperately.

'The Unexpected Law of Language Distribution' was the brainwave of Samuel Unexpected, a maths teacher from a neighbouring galaxy. It states that the Earth not only contains every form of communication in the universe but that it does so in their exact proportion. Furthermore the relationship is dynamic and reflects the universe's language distribution at all times e.g. should a French speaking planet conquer an Italian, a group of Italians on Earth will take up a French speaking class.

The man behind the theory, Samuel Unexpected, had never intended to create a law, much to the displeasure of the serious scientists who had dedicated their lives to the problem; scientists as a group were growing increasingly tired of all the great discoveries being made by amateurs and had been wondering if violence wasn't an intelligent solution after all. Samuel had had no desire to even look longingly at another man's thunder, never mind steal it. The only reason he even mentioned the idea was to break the ice with a highly attractive physicist. He thought it would be a good joke and starting point for a general chat. Failing to see the humour she took his comment seriously and went straight home to work on the relevant sums. He was as amazed as her when she turned up the next day to tell him his theory was correct. The attractive physicist fell instantly in love with Samuel's brilliant mind and they married two days later. After three weeks he found her lack of humour to be something of an issue, fortunately she'd realised there was no brilliant mind after eight hours and had already left.

With the Earth confirmed as a dynamic, linguistic map of the universe its popularity soared, placing Eric Wazinski and his singing table firmly in the shade. Within months it became the number one holiday destination as crowds flocked to hover above its surface and observe the multi lingual folk below. It became a marketing mans dream as everyone clambered to cash in the oddity.

Over time, as with all planets, the life that had flourished slowly dwindled until the Earth evolved back in to a lifeless rock floating through space. With so much money left to be made from the Earth brand, it wasn't long before one enterprising soul saw a way to keep the cash rolling in, and buying the rights to the Earth franchise he offered to re-run the entire cycle of its life on any suitably sized rock a designated distance from a sun. The owner would gain an idyllic home with an in built revenue from tourism, and the universe regained one of its most iconic attractions, only now in infinitely more locations.

Each planet came with a free pair of inbuilt heroes who trained without purpose until the day arose that they would be needed, and a set of concepts to keep the plan for conscious life on track; so when the Jefferians decide to freeze time on an Earth in order to steal all the tea and coffee and hold it ransom for control of the deeds, Fate is sent to ensure the heroes are kept safe and free to move around and thwart the attempt; however a broken fax machine sends him to their next door neighbours instead: Brick and Spiritwind, two hapless misfits who know nothing of heroics other than the teachings of modern cinema. Realising his error, Fate gathers together his closest friends, including brother Coincidence and girlfriend Karma, and prepares to assist the duo as they bumble along.

As you are about to read the latest novel in the series, it won't be a plot spoiler to tell you they succeed, but as everybody on Earth is frozen in time, nobody sees their heroics and thus no reward is forthcoming from their home planet. Fortunately for them, The Heroic Guild of All Things Heroic and Splendid keeps a constant watch on universal politics, ready to welcome new heroes into their gang. Basic membership, and the award of grade one hero status, is standard for any being that saves their own planet. The reward comes with a membership card, sticker for your window, and the inherent heroic fortune and intuition that any main protagonist in a self respecting Hollywood adventure can expect to benefit from. Alongside this are various gymnastic abilities, kung fu-skills and the bull punch: one strike renders any opponent of a similar size unconscious for as long as you need them to be.

Unintended Heroes continues a few short weeks after.

Insidious Chi had decided to take a more cerebral approach to taking over the universe. Instead of amassing an army he ordered countless Earth franchise planets and positioned them throughout all that is, before generating vast amounts of apathy upon them. As the sensation seeped out it infected everything around them, allowing Sid to stroll across galaxy after galaxy, taking his bounty without having to fight a resistance that couldn't be bothered to surface; however, The Heroes Guild had noticed something was amiss and called together all grade one heroes and above, including Brick and Spiritwind, for an urgent gathering on Velos 19, the home of hero admin and pampering.

Without any transport, The Guild arranges for Brick and Spiritwind to be picked up by Hugo Cortizone, the ultimate hero of the universe. Hugo is everything you expect from a saviour, from his golden locks to the lycra-clad mountain of a body he flings into danger with unnecessary somersaults and grins; however, arriving on Velos 19, Hugo heads off for various press conferences and adverts for his extensive range of duvet covers, leaving Brick and Spiritwind to explore. They head straight for the pub where they stumble upon Jam Shandy, perpetual drunk and Captain of The Little Tub of Fun. After a night of drunken nonsense they are invited to join his crew of outcasts and oddities, and head for the meeting they were there for.

The Guild knows the Earth franchise planets have something to do with the rising apathy, but no idea how they are involved. They divide up the suspicious planets and send the heroes out to explore, following clues and intuition until the answer becomes clear. Brick and Spiritwind visit two planets before they suspect they may know where Sid is hiding. The Hero Code insists heroic hunches must be followed, and so they set out to what reveals itself to be the megalomaniac's headquarters.

Forced to split into groups by architecture, a standard design facet of every Evil base, Brick and Spiritwind find their path leads straight to a showdown with Insidious Chi, while the other group stumble upon an entirely separate story.

Sid knew Hugo Cortizone would turn up at some point, inevitability demanded it, and so he decided to strike first and capture the grinning lump. Again, skirting the tradition of nets or bags over heads, he instructed his henchmen, one disguised as a damsel in mortal danger, to lure the hero into a trap before spraying him with a compound that would convince him universal peace had been declared. Devoid of anything to fight, and his only purpose for existence stolen from him, he breaks down and is offered a place to come to terms with the new future: a house back at Sid's hideout.

The henchman/maiden is left to act as his closest guard through kindness; however, Dollop had fought Hugo twice before in his career and wished for nothing more than revenge and the chance to prove he was his equal. Sid would not allow it, and Dollop had to seethe his way through fluffy chats and futile glances.

Over time, Dollop began to see the two men were more alike than he'd ever imagined, and saw past the hero and bile to the lonely, confused man behind the flashy spaceships and smiling face upon his own cereal. Unfortunately, Hugo saw his new purpose in the maiden's eyes, and proposed marriage and an eternity together.

When the invading heroes follow the tunnel system of Sid's base, it leads them to Dollop and Hugo returning from a picnic. When the henchman spots the intruders, he prepares for battle, ripping through his disguise and tensing with a roar. Hugo sees his love torn apart and can only assume Dollop her murderer, the anguish breaking the spell he'd been under. Hugo defeats the beast and, he and Jam and the rest of the crew, head towards the centre of Sid's plan, only to arrive to find Brick and Spiritwind already victorious.

After Brick and Spiritwind reverse the effects of apathy on the universe, Hugo contacts Velos 19 to report their success. Everybody assumes Mr Cortizone has saved the day, single-handedly, and invites him back to a huge party in his honour.

After threatening to reveal pictures of Hugo's ex-love to the tabloids, the rest of the heroes also receive the highest level hero grading available, grade five, and Brick and Spiritwind are gifted their own ship; however, with a marketing dept the size of a galaxy, Hugo's team ensure everyone else is regarded as his helpers at best, and they receive few plaudits, leaving Brick and Spiritwind back at home, without adulation and in need of that month's rent.

Contents
Chapter One

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"No." Brick looked bemused at the customer's bemusement.

"Does he know?" The irate man pointed at Spiritwind, who occupied the service window a foot to Brick's left.

"I don't know. Ask him."

"Do you know?" The man did as instructed and aimed his query at the bald twenty something.

"Know what?" Spiritwind had his own question.

"What I've just been asking him."

"That depends entirely on what you've just been asking him." It was unarguable as a technical point.

"Were you not listening to the last five minutes of conversation? You are sat next to each other." Brick and Spiritwind were indeed sat next to each other in a Portakabin that doubled as an information booth in the centre of Puddleton. Only problem was they hadn't been given any information.

"Is that the question you want answering, because I know the answer to that? The answer is no, I wasn't listening." Spiritwind ticked the efficiency sheet they'd been left with. Nobody seemed interested in picking them up.

"What's the point?" The man slapped his forehead for no reason other than he'd seen people do it in the movies. It served no purpose, except to jar him and note never to do it again.

"Now that I can answer." Brick loomed forward towards the glass that separated him from the world. "The point is, in itself, the point. We search for meaning and justification in the furore of life when in reality the very notion of a point distracts us from the truth that it is a myth of the mind, a belief that comfort lies in our future, a cloud with no source or end."

"He's gone." Spiritwind alerted Brick to the man's response to the impromptu monologue, and that a peanut was his should he so desire.

"Then I guess we'll never truly know what he wanted." The wistful gaze was taken as refusal of a nut.

Had the Puddletonian enquired as to the wider affairs of the universe, in particular who had saved his planet from invading aliens and gone on to prevent Insidious Chi seizing control of the entire ether, then Brick and Spiritwind would have simply had to point at their own incompetent, smiling faces. Unfortunately he wanted suggestions for interesting places to take his visiting Aunty in three weeks time.

Arriving home from their exploits out in the universe, Brick and Spiritwind had failed to raise even a nod of appreciation. Universal politics were not reported to the Earth, and as everybody had been frozen in time on their first adventure, the duo remained a pair of anonymous misfits, flitting from temporary job to temporary job in order to pay the rent. The only life decision that had been made was to each grow a beard. They believed it may help to foster a sense of wisdom, plus they couldn't remember whose turn it was to buy the razors. Facial hair had been the compromise over flipping a coin.

Having returned to their agency for work, they'd been told to report to the booth they now sat in, two weeks ago. They were shown in by a pleasant lady who gave them their hours and a key for the cabin. They'd seen nobody since or been told anything more about the job they were supposed to be doing, although every morning an envelope containing their pay sat upon the chair each had occupied the day before.

"Afternoon." They, popped up at one of the windows.

They, worked on the Earth as one of the concepts that kept the Earth franchise planet ticking along its intended path. His particular speciality was spreading rumours and myths to keep conversation amongst humanity flowing, thus stopping them spending too long thinking about what was really going on.

"Is it afternoon already?" Brick's response went unheard as They meandered around to the back of the cabin, where the door sat. He'd been a regular visitor.

They entered, perusing the ever growing decor as he did.

Initially a bare cabin, Brick and Spiritwind had obtained numerous items from the skips belonging to the flats that were under renovation nearby. Discarded rugs acted as carpet while a solid coffee table gave the room a centre. Armchairs had replaced the plastic efforts at comfort they'd been supplied with, each came with a set of wheels to allow comfort to journey around the office with you, while an old sofa along the back wall was reserved for visitors and when a lie down was needed. Further lightweight rugs hung across the larger sections of wall, reclaimed picture frames littering the rest. They'd been filled with the duo's own artistic meanderings and images from various sources. A four foot tall, wooden Stork peered from one corner of the room, glancing warily at the equally wooden tiger on the opposite side. An old portable television sat on the back of a carved rhino. The horned, organic tank didn't look impressed. Spiritwind had recently added a fridge and microwave to the growing kitchen area, increasing his range of potential snacks.

They's eye was caught by one particular frame. "Is that the pub menu?"

"You've got to have some inspiration to get you through the day." Spiritwind placed a bowl of tortilla chips, drenched in cheese, in the microwave.

They, took up his usual seat on the sofa, in reach of the coffee table and its various gaming and distracting paraphernalia. "Any nearer to knowing what you're meant to be doing?"

"We presume giving out information, but nobody asks us anything we know." Brick placed a closed sign on the window. It felt like time for a break. He rolled across to the gathering, on his chair.

"You should have a word with Irony. An information booth without information should be on her files somewhere."

"I'm not asking her any more questions." Brick rubbed his chin in remembered pain. His inquisitive nature was often taken as offence, especially by Irony. She was endlessly suspicious mockery was afoot, particularly when Brick was on the end of a question. The fact he'd noticed her ears were of differing sizes had not gone down well.

The microwave pinged, signalling it was done with its brief task. It was a sound to Spiritwind as seductive as an angel flashing an ankle.

"So, what brings you to town, They?" Brick moved the topic away from angry women with grudges.

"Bit of work. Been in the park telling people that blades of grass tell their mates to lie down when they sees a lawnmower coming."

"I've heard that before? Sends out a chemical when it gets cut. That's why you always end up with a clump of lawn that looks untouched." Brick embellished without effort as Spiritwind placed the bowl of snacks on the table, returning to the fridge for some self-made dips. Brick picked up a sample. He had to drop it through excess heat and fear the cheese was about to meld as one with his skin.

"Oh I like that. Can I steal that?" They was going to, whatever the answer.

"You can do, but I think it's the truth."

"Of course it is." They's nod and wink made Brick doubt his own long held belief. "What time do you finish today?"

"We're not entirely sure. The lights don't work so it has to be some time before it gets dark. I presume there's a purpose behind your question?" Brick tried to raise one eyebrow. He'd been practising, but without a mirror he had no idea if he was succeeding or not. His efforts were interrupted by Spiritwind adding flavoursome condiments to the gathering.

"I'm off to meet a few of the fella's in the pub if you'd like to join us?"

"Any reason?" Brick didn't need a reason. He just thought he should know if he needed to prepare a toast, or tell anyone he'd forgotten to get them a gift.

"It's Monday. Best way to get rid of those Monday blues you humans go on about is to treat Monday like a Friday."

"We'll finish dinner then pop round. Usual place?"

"Why change what works." They doffed his hair and left, securing a handful of slightly cooled crisps as he went.

The fella's in question referred to the group of concepts that had helped Brick and Spiritwind save the Earth in their first adventure. Fate, Coincidence (Fate's brother), Fut (official spreader of cool, calm and funk) and They, were resolutely available and were becoming something of a drinking group. Karma (Fate's girlfriend) and her best friend Irony would appear at their own whim, dependent on mood and Karma's opinion of her boyfriend at that particular time. Her job required extremes of positive and negative actions. Her personality perfectly reflected such finely poised shifts.

More recently the ship they had inherited as a reward for saving the universe, Magical Causality, had also been tagging along. Its ability to morph its shape and size meant nobody objected to whichever pet they chose to disguise it as. An inquisitive owl was proving most popular at the moment.

***********

The night out followed the usual trading of laughter, anecdotes and nonsense. Spiritwind defeated Brick in a game of flick the beer-mat, as the paper cuts across his cheek attested to. The bottle-top shaped wounds across Spiritwind's forehead attested to the bald hero's attempt to prove he could soak up half a pint of water in his already ample beard. He couldn't.

The peripherals of the evening had trickled along a familiar path: Karma had stormed off before Fate's apologetic chase convinced her to return, but not to inform him what he was apologising for, Fut imbued a sense of calm into the pub giving the entire night's clientele a feeling of satisfaction and thorough enjoyment, and Coincidence and Irony suspiciously disappeared at the same time every so often, only to sit around the table avoiding eye contact whenever anyone else was around. Maintaining their flitting snog/hatred relationship was growing ever more transparent. Only Brick, Spiritwind, They, and their ship Magical Causality, had embarked on the after-pub quest for a dance and now food.

"Why don't we send Magic to pick us something up and meet us at home?" Brick proposed sending their craft to Babylon for the traditional fried chicken.

"I'm not sure they'll serve a shrunken spaceship, even at this time of the morning. Plus he's in a right state. Not sure he could do it." Magic hovered above a grid in case any liquids should escape its fuselage.

"Could he fly us there?" Brick offered his second proposal as the trio watched the counterfeit owl stutter and stumble in an attempt to hover.

"If he's going to fly you there, I know a special little takeaway just outside the galaxy; has a pretty outstanding nightclub attached to it too." They unveiled his universal wisdom.

"Probably safer than asking him to take us down our street; not as many parked cars in space." Brick saw an extra positive.

"There won't be any objections from me." Spiritwind raised his non confronting arm. His confronting arm was busy arguing with his pocket about a five pound note it claimed to have left there earlier. "Are you coming, They?"

"I'd better not, got to go to China in the morning. Tell them you can see that Great big Wall from space irrelevant of what people keep saying. That astronaut has ruined so many years of work I put in to that."

"Can you tell us where this bar is before you go. Better still, tell Magic. May as well fill a colander with Um-Bongo for all the good my head is right now."

"Of course." They, waddled over to Magic and whispered towards him, before realising his error and turning away from the bin he'd just given a hot tip for a galactic hang out. As the message found the correct sound sensors, Magic's sub-systems reacted and passed the establishment and its co-ordinates to the navigation unit. The sub and navigation systems tutted and rolled their LED's at Magic's intoxicated state, again. It had become far too common under the stewardship of the Earth's finest heroes.

Magic blearily realised something was going on and attempted to sober up quicker than a teenager approaching their parent's door. The craft turned and zig-zagged its way towards the waiting duo, morphing from a tawny bird back to its bulbous, white exterior on the way.

"I've passed on the information. I told the bin too, just in case Magic forgets." They commented as he continued to walk.

"Are you sure you're not coming?"

"No. I've been putting off this China thing for ages. Have fun though. It'll be hard not to if I remember the place rightly." They disappeared as he transported himself home.

"At your honourable service." Magic grew to its standard accommodating size then fell over.

"Is this a good idea?" Spiritwind had to ask, seen as nobody else was there to point out the obvious mistake they were making.

"Is anything?" Brick had a seamless riposte.

"Good point." Drunken logic stepped in and offered reassurance. Magic laid out his armchair ramp in his tilted position.

The duo boarded without worry as They arrived home and passed out on his sofa. Why he didn't transport himself directly to bed was a question for sobriety. His last thought concerned the pair having as much fun as he had had at Fluffy McCoy's, while a bin sat in the street and wondered why a man had whispered Huffy Leroy's in his general direction. It shrugged and failed to follow up its concern. Humanity was its own problem. It only had eyes for the litter that sat so enticingly close when the very solution, and only purpose for the receptacle's existence, had been dropped irritatingly nearby.

Contents
Chapter Two

"You'll never take me alive, Clavical. And this town won't see another day. Jiggery, release the concrete." Bumraaticus Calamitus (Bum-Raa to save both time and spelling errors in day-to-day life) stood upon the hill surrounding his home town. An aspiring megalomaniac, he had ambitions to one day rule all that is, but for the moment he and his best friend, and self appointed henchman Jiggery Pokery, were struggling to even take over their meagre sized community. The reason, as always, was the interruption of Hatch Clavical, the town's resident saviour and life-long fan of Hugo Cortizone: the greatest and best selling hero of all time.

Jiggery pulled the strings as instructed. They were connected to two vast vats of concrete that sat atop an elaborate series of guttering. The guttering wound its way down the hillside towards a number of strategic points in the town. They would deliver the penalty for allowing Bum's deadline to pass.

Bum had stuck to an age old megalomaniac tactic: threaten the target, show them a glimpse of your power to prove you're serious, and then demand an ungodly amount of money to prevent you carrying out your intentions. Having seized the cement factory, and filled the mayor's house with the grey slurry as a demonstration of his power, the hopeful tyrant's bank account was still overdrawn, he'd severely underestimated the cost of quality guttering, meaning the town had decided not to pay up, again. For such disobedience they would suffer the penalty he promised; their beloved community would be flooded with concrete, turning the entire landscape into one block of smooth, lifeless dismay.

Jiggery signalled to his boss that the strings had indeed been pulled; then leapt to the megalomaniac's side as they faced Hatch Clavical, once more.

The trio swapped grimaces and postures as they circled each other, the naughty pair sniggering as Hatch was visibly torn between the battle and saving the people from their grey destiny. Bum let the thought of victory enter his mind, a smile of satisfaction flickering across his face; it was the moment Hatch Clavical had been waiting for. Slowly, his ponderous distress turned into a grin that suggested everything was going exactly as he intended. Only then did Bum realise the guttering remained empty of the intended river of doom, and that the gentle pumping action of the vats had been replaced with increasingly violent jolts and splutters.

Jiggery reacted by tensing his seven foot bulk and looking towards his boss in worried confusion. Following the classical two arms and legs attached to a torso design, Jiggery's head had opted to meld a stallion with the lower jaw of a piranha, teeth to match. Bum returned the sense of concern from his more modest five feet of portly dimensions. His ginger beard and uncontrollable hair masked the majority of his face, but nothing could hide the two foot, Swiss army knife that served as an arm. A childhood accident involving a see-saw had seen his birth limb lost. The ensuing popularity at parties, as a man known to always have a bottle opener, had done little to quell his sense of being picked on by the universe.

The naughty duo turned back towards Hatch's wide smirk, then to the mechanism, then back to Hatch, then one last focus on the piping; in particular the funnels. A giant cork sat smugly in each.

Bum-Raa seethed and raised his prosthetic arm, leaping forward in rage at the meddling hero. Opening his eyes he expected to find his nemesis skewered upon a particularly vicious serrated blade, instead he found himself poking a laughing gentleman in the chest with a blunt tin opener.

Hatch casually pushed the offending chunk of metal to one side and continued to smile, throwing in a gentle belly laugh for effect. The tool of Good proceeded to raise a small baton with a flashing red light on the end. Jiggery paused as he'd been about to launch a devastating thump.

"Exploding corks! A Hugo favourite." Hatch winked, pushed the button, then pulled his cape over himself and curled up in a ball. The cape hardened as smoke billowed from the blocked nozzles. The cheeky miscreants had just enough time to look knowingly at each other before light, sound, and quick drying concrete filled the area.

Hatch emerged from his buoyant ball of protection after several minutes. Having risen to the surface of the increasingly hardening liquid, he clicked his heels to produce the skis that were built in to his hero boots, and surveyed the scene with a glimmer of pride. The entire hilltop had been covered in concrete, flattening out its numerous crevices and dangerous pointy bits. Clavical quickly saw the potential revenue in a car park with a view, and realised what he would ask for as reward for saving the town once more. He wouldn't be young and strapping forever, and it was never too early to start saving a nest egg.

Turning around he spotted two figures covered entirely in grey sludge, slowly grinding to a halt, mid-run. Hatch proceeded to glide across to them. He couldn't resist having a few words with the increasingly statuesque Bum and Jiggery.

"It seems your evil plan wasn't set in stone after all." Hatch went straight for the easy pun. Even though it made no sense his confidence gave it credence. Bum-Raa would have raised his eyes in disgust, but by the time they'd got there the moment would have long passed.

"You'll make a nice centrepiece to my new car park. Maybe I'll turn you in to a fountain. Hahahahaha." The belly laugh continued as Hatch skimmed ahead, all the time working out potential capacity and a reasonable charge for vehicle safety in such a stunning location.

Watching his nemesis escape, victorious once more, Bum-Raa managed to open his mouth wide enough to allow speech out. He aimed it towards Jiggery. "I think it's time we turned our fortunes around."

"What are you saying?" Jiggery couldn't hear past the concrete in his ears. It wasn't essential. Bum was speaking more for himself than anyone else.

"We need to increase our gang for a start. You need a fellow henchman. You can't be watching my back and pulling strings at the same time."

"I can't hear a word you're saying."

"We need training, from professionals. We need to sign up to Evil University."

"You want to open a nursery?"

"Never mind Jiggery. Just you realise it's going to be okay. We are going to succeed."

"But I don't like seeds."

The night closed in on the hill and its newest occupants. Whispered narrative fluttered through the air and suggested they'd find their way out of their concrete prison to fight another day, otherwise why even mention them?

Contents
Chapter Three

Spon Dooliks sat at his desk, beseeched by piles of marking he had yet to sift through. As Vice Chancellor, and Head Assessor of The University of Evil and Generally Mean Doings, it was his job to add up all the marks received by a student and offer a final grade along with a paragraph summarising their performance and potential. Spon was renowned for his accuracy and intuition in the field, but he had other things on his mind as his favourite marking pen twirled around his fingers.

As a true scholar of darkness, Spon knew every technique, tactic, and downright naughtiness Evil had ever employed, and he could see where they went wrong, yet he could not convert all this knowledge in to practice. Ever since moving in to his suburban oasis he'd coveted his next door neighbour's garden. Not for any nasty need on his part. Spon was not inherently evil; he'd just been born without a conscience. He revelled in the complexity of the challenge, solving the puzzle of society.

As a tutor of misdeeds, Spon thought nothing could be simpler than taking the land for himself, yet years had passed and every ploy had failed, not acquiring even an inch of that he desired. The dilemma plagued him: why could he not bridge the gap between theory and reality?

The available reading material, documenting Evil's side of its every exploit, was minimal. Partly because the Evil base would usually be destroyed, and partly because Evil never took admin overly seriously; they were too busy feasting at banquets and fighting in unruly gatherings of peers to make sure the books were up to date. As such, Spon had ventured in to the tales of Good to advance his research. He envied how seriously, Good took organisation, and wished to instil such discipline into Evil, but until he became Chancellor that could never happen. As he further pondered, the incumbent block to his promotion walked in.

"Morning, Dooliks." The door swung open to the physical request of Dip Sing Doolally, the current Chancellor.

"Yes. Morning it is." Spon spun round from the window he'd been dreaming through.

Dip Sing Doolally was a rotund fellow standing no more than four and a half feet. Impeccably dressed he was everything an academic statesman should be, facially he was everything a light brown Yorkshire Terrier resembled, yet his heart still beat with the ferocity of a wronged lion. Spon was altogether more spindly in build, reaching up to six and a half feet when he could be bothered. Painfully thin, you could be mistaken for thinking his hands floated in the air were you to catch his arms in the right light. His face resembled a walnut, his dress that of a countrified gent.

Dip had spent many years as a henchman, his fierce heart promising to deliver what his bulk suggested may be lacking; however, after being filmed helping an old lady cross the road, without even dipping his hand into her handbag, he'd been fined by the Henchman's Union and ordered to carry out community service. That had translated into taking the role of Chancellor at the newly founded Evil University. Perceived to be a gimmick by many, everybody had presumed it would go the same way as Dragon Training School and close within weeks, although hopefully without the all-engulfing flames; thus nobody had applied for the position.

Initially scornful and filled with resentment, Dip grew in to the job and slowly fell in love with the tailored suits and expenses account. Staying on long past his sentence had been served, he'd turned the qualifications the institution offered into a respected niche within the Evil world and had ambitions to take things further, but as much as he tried to assume the behaviour of a revered statesman, the rage of a misguided henchman still bubbled beneath, and often broke the surface.

"Busy marking, I see." Dip clearly wanted something. He never visited out of courtesy. "Any potential leaders of a new universe order in there?"

"Not really." Dip gritted his teeth and seethed at the reply. "One may be able to have a decent crack at a solar system, but the rest will end up on doors of clubs or just pack it in altogether and pursue a career in accounts."

"Interesting." It clearly wasn't interesting. It was infuriating. Dip picked up a pencil and squeezed it until he heard the lead inside crack. "What we need, Dooliks, is a success story, one from this very university. We need a figurehead we can behold to take us to the next level."

"I agree, but maybe Evil just can't be taught." Spon reflected on his personal, garden based failure as much as the establishment's.

"Then what in Chi's name are we doing wasting our time?" Dip spun in frustration before snapping the pencil entirely and thrusting it into his mouth, chewing violently. Spon offered a tentative riposte.

"Because Evil never knows when to give up, if it did it would never try. The laws of inevitability state we cannot win, but like all other laws we try to break them. For we are Evil, and Evil we will do." He couldn't be sure if he was quoting something he'd read or was just feeling particularly inspired.

"That's beautiful, Dooliks. Write that down for me. I'll use it as my next letterhead." Dip began pacing back and forth, working the splinters from between his teeth as he went. "We need a success, Dooliks."

"You've already said that, Chancellor." Spon hoped Dip wasn't having one of his turns again. It took them a week to coax him down from the climbing frames last time.

"I know, but it was important enough to say again." A decision flashed across the small dog-like face, and a look of disgust at what he'd put in his mouth. "Spon, I want you to find a success story in the next batch of pupils, and I want them turning in to Evil icons whether they have the skills or not. Prepare a plinth in the Lair of Legends. We will have an inspiration if it's the last thing I do." The slam of the paws on Spon's desk disrupted the pile of marked exams to the right. Sensing his rage may boil in to destruction, Dip quickly forced a board duster and calculator into his mouth and walked away, chewing his anger into tiny pieces.

Spon was left alone with his thoughts once more as the door slammed and a cleaner was berated in the corridor. "More tasks. How am I ever supposed to get this garden taken over? And how am I going to add up these results?"

Spon rued his lost calculator. He always seemed to lose stationary on a Monday.

Contents
Chapter Four

Bozo and Schmuk sat in a booth in Huffy LeRoy's bar. The bar sat in a particularly sad and dilapidated, galactic bus depot.

The pair's considerable nine foot bulk took up most of the seating that had been designed for eight standard men, their bags filling what remained. Nervy twitches trickled through them as excitement for their future powered their grins.

"Can't believe we're actually going to Evil University." Schmuk struggled to stop his legs from kicking in glee.

"Yes. You've said." Bozo sipped his warm beverage rhythmically.

"Are you not excited?"

"Of course I'm excited. This is our chance for a decent career, but we're off to Evil University. Trainee henchmen travelling to Evil University don't hop about like nine year old girls off to a pop concert."

"Oh. What do they do then?"

"I don't know. Break someone's arm in anticipation?"

"I can do that." Schmuk looked around the bar for a thin armed man. The place was empty except for the barman and a semi-comatose dragon that was weeping in to a stack of empty shot glasses. He decided to wait and see if anyone else turned up.

Bozo and Schmuk had been working in an office back on their home planet, until one bored afternoon Bozo sat surfing the uninet (universe wide internet) and stumbled upon the Evil University website. Aware of each other's bulk and intimidating shaped heads, Bozo that of an angry gorilla built from bricks, and Schmuk a spider that had run into a glass wall, they had spoken often of their potential for such a course, but when Bozo clicked one page too far he found himself and Schmuk enrolled under threat of death should they not attend, hence they were on route to Karanan.

Karanan was a discarded Earth franchise planet. The engineer who installed the life program had been to a friend's birthday party the night before, and in his hung-over state failed to notice a blip in the progression beyond the Archean period. It had left the planet in a perpetual loop of volcanic activity, and minimal evolution of decent sized life. By the time the error had been spotted, lava had turned so much of the surface into rock that it was beyond repair and was sold as scrap. The Evil University saw it as not only a chunk of cheap real estate but exactly the kind of atmosphere they wished to convey.

A bubble of fully evolved Earth atmosphere had been installed, around fifty miles across, to allow some semblance of normality for the extensive staff to live in. The university sat on a hill on the edge of the transparent cocoon, all windows pointing towards the ashen sky, and barren, rock-fuelled wastelands.

Any further discussion between the pair was interrupted by the sound of the door crashing open. Bozo peered around the booth to see two humanoids strolling to the bar, Schmuk wondered how thick their arms were; the taller one was brushing himself down, the smaller one was tutting and shaking his hairless head in judgement.

After several minutes, drinks were exchanged. The barman looked ready to quit. The two humanoids turned and searched for a seat, heading directly for Bozo. The monster pulled his head out of view and hoped he and his friends' size would be enough of a social deterrent. He wasn't there to make new buddies.

The Earthly duo wandered past and took up the booth directly behind the soon to be students. The partition stretched five feet into the air and shielded the two groups from each other. Bozo and Schmuk shared a relieved and judgemental glance, although it had come too eagerly.

"Where's the party then?" Brick's head appeared from around the cushioned wall. "We heard this place was a funfest."

Once Bozo had located the face the words came from, he responded. "This place?"

"Yeh. We were told joy untold could be found here at any time of day or night."

"This place here?" Bozo could only repeat himself.

"Hold on. This is going to give me a crick in me neck." Brick disappeared only to re-appear as an entire person pulling up a stool, joined by a bald man with a straw in his mouth and a waved greeting in his palm; the bowl of cherries covered in ice cream were held in place by his elbow and hip as he guided his own seat with his foot. "That's better. Now maybe we can get the fun started."

Bozo and Schmuk had no idea how they were supposed to react. So didn't.

"So, you come here a lot? That isn't a variation on the age old chat up line by the way. I realise you're not ladies. But you are somewhat massive, so hopefully you're not offended either."

"To this place?" Bozo wondered how many different ways he could ask his repeated question.

Schmuk saw somebody who may share his excitement and offered his own response. He was always open to new friends, and if they didn't get on, he had an arm to break. "This is our first time here. We're only passing through. On our way to Evil University you see. We're going to be henchmen."

"Henchmen! Off to Evil University. Super." Brick's hero card shone from beneath his nipple as he tried as hard as possible not to think about being one. He pulled his cardigan across and hoped nobody had noticed. "Are you sure this is the right place?" He diverted his speech to Spiritwind.

"I've never been to the place we were supposed to be going to and thus have no frame of reference. This is the place we're in though. I think."

"How does that help?"

"You didn't ask for help." It was a fair point. Spiritwind had his own point to raise with the fearsome pair. "I thought Evil was something inherent. I didn't think you could be taught it."

"That's probably true if you're aiming for top level Evil, if you want to be a megalomaniac or something, doesn't stop them running courses for that though, but we're strictly punch and intimidation men. You can learn that I reckon. I hope so anyway, otherwise the whole place is a con." Bozo considered thumping down on the table and then reconsidered. It was exactly this kind of indecisiveness he was hoping to be trained out of.

Brick added his hand to the cardigan shielding his hero ID, and continued to talk. "So what are you doing here? Having one last night of debauchery before the serious study kicks in?"

"We're waiting for our bus in the morning. This is a bus station." Bozo offered the crucial information Brick and Spiritwind had been missing.

"A bus station? Why would They send us to a bus station for a night out? Well I'm having fun wherever we are. Barman, another round please." The barman picked up his tray and shuffled, disgruntled, towards the pumps. It wasn't even table service, but he didn't want to get in to another argument with the well haired weirdo.

"We shouldn't really. The bus is coming very early." Bozo protested.

"Bus, Schmus. That's almost your name." Bozo redirected Brick's pointing finger towards the right trainee henchman. It didn't stop him talking. "Forget buses. We'll take you. We have a fine craft that would love nothing more than a little jaunt across the galaxy."

"Well. Thank you very much." Schmuk accepted with a disapproving glare from his friend.

"Not a problem. Do you think that dragon fancies a pint?" Brick slid off his stool and approached the bar once more as Huffy Le Roy's prepared for its busiest night since the great train strike of 90210.

Contents
Chapter Five

Brick awoke to find space staring back at him. He considered trying to stare it out before remembering something about infinity. He sat in the pedalo that served as a control panel for their ship. The auto pilot was firmly on.

Brick left his seat and fell straight into the ball pool that supported the novelty boat. He swam through it and pulled himself on to the carpeted floor. He stood up, thinking of an amusing way to stir his friend's slumber, although once he saw his bald companion he decided against it; Spiritwind shared a sofa with two beasts of defiant bulk, and they looked ready to rip you inside out even when at rest.

Brick scuttled back to the control panel.

"Magic, Magic! Wake up." Brick spoke to the ship.

"Miles times speed squared. Oh morning. Sorry about that, must have dozed off for a second."

"Don't worry about that. Why are there two monsters in the living room?" Brick noticed the ship had a definite direction in mind, and was heading there at quite a pace. "And where are we going?"

"Erm......Should I review the security footage from last night?"

"It can't confuse things anymore."

"Here we go, nope, sorry; wrong night, although it was you that broke that vase and not me after all. I've been worried about that all week."

"Now is not the time for blame. Just find out who they are." Brick looked back out the window as Magic fumbled around with various reels of film. Brick wondered how anyone knew where anything was in the vastness of space. He could barely keep track of his socks.

Turning to check on the beasts he found Spiritwind standing at the door, sausage butty in hand.

"You're wondering who the two behemoths in the living room are, aren't you?" Spiritwind could read his friend better than a large print dictionary in a well-lit library.

"I thought you were asleep with your girlfriends." Brick tried to divert the question with an added tickle of mockery.

"I woke up." The bald hero searched for the mayonnaise he knew sat somewhere in the cockpit.

"You call that an answer." Judgemental tone was the only place Brick had to hide.

"I call it what happened."

"Oh no; I fear my evil ways have followed me." Magic interrupted. "We're on our way to The University of Evil and Generally Mean Doings. I must have betrayed you in the night." Magic's overwhelming guilt resurfaced.

"Of course we're going to Evil University. Brick offered them a lift to their henchman training course." Spiritwind found his condiment and immediately dipped his snack.

"If I had a better memory of last night's events, I'd dispute that." Brick felt he had to clarify his situation.

"Like you disputed breaking that vase." Spiritwind's smug wink barely had time to be noted before another voice entered the hull of the craft.

"Welcome to The University of Evil and Generally Mean Doings. Your application is being verified." A voice befitting a gravel worm the size of a bus rippled around the craft. It stirred Bozo and Schmuk from their slumber, and left Brick with a hopeful punt.

"I don't suppose that was you, Magic?" The ship didn't have time to answer.

"Your application is accepted. Welcome Bozo, Schmuk, and the as yet unidentified pair that will be joining you."

Brick and Spiritwind did a quick mental count of everyone on board. They hoped two people would emerge from the bathroom. The agonising moments that followed suggested if they were in there, they were staying there.

"Be warned that any attempt to leave the course before completion will result in vengeance visiting your entire family and anyone you've ever liked. Even just a little bit. Welcome again. May your stay with us be a fruitful one; an old rotting fruit, but still fruit nonetheless."

"Something potentially bad just happened, didn't it?" Brick had an unerring skill for spotting trouble at the exact point you could do nothing about it.

"You mean aside from our guests awaking." Spiritwind turned to the living area and dipped his hand in the ball pool. Retrieving a handful of mini rolls and hangover phials, he provided breakfast and a hello for their guests. "Morning; we made it, as promised." The beastly duo weren't entirely sure why they weren't on a bus.

"Who? What?" Bozo could only be sure his head no longer wanted to be a part of his body.

"Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload." Brick sauntered across, supplying pseudonyms as he went. As insignificant as their recognition had been, it seemed a basic error to use the names of two registered grade five heroes. "Your two new buddies. He doesn't remember." Brick turned disappointedly towards Spiritwind. The snacking friend shook his head in agreed sorrow. "Oh the times we shared."

Bozo smiled in the hope his memory would furnish him with a clue. It didn't. He tried to jump-start it with information. "So, you two are studying at Evil University too?"

"It would appear so." Brick's contemplative tone still wasn't sure how. He'd only intended to dance badly with women and eat fried chicken.

"Yes, we're on the megalomaniac course. That's why we decided it made more sense to all travel together." Spiritwind pushed the tale along, sorting their career options along the way.

"Did we?" Bozo looked towards Schmuk.

"Must of." Schmuk had nothing to offer in disagreement.

The voice from before, interrupted once more. "You will come in to view of our dastardly planet in a matter of moments. Upon landing you will proceed to parking bay 4444. At 0600 you must attend the induction where you will be given your timetable and rooms for the period of your stay. Keep it nasty."

"Six in the morning? That is mean." Brick looked out of the window as an Earth sized planet rolled in front of them. It remained dark and with minimal atmosphere, volcanic in essence, tearing itself apart.

"It's 0550 now." Spiritwind tried to add urgency. It just released a huff from everyone.

"You're not drinking again. The consequences are becoming ridiculous." Brick rebuked his friend.

"Becoming?" Nobody could argue with such a thought.

Contents
Chapter Six

Spon sat proudly in the main lecture theatre that doubled as the induction hall. A slightly raised area and thirty feet of lush, green, carpet separated the staff from the tiered seating. The current intake of students littered the chairs, predominantly towards the back. Those there for the henchman course were fuelled by the testosterone that had pumped their bulk, much of it spilling in to threatening postures and stares of dominance. The more thoughtful and mysterious megalomaniacs scrabbled for the supplied shadows to lurk mysteriously within, surveying their competition and attempting to give the air they were not to be trifled with. The mad scientists and dungeon keepers were more obvious, and shuffled uncomfortably, awaiting introduction to their labs and underground lairs respectively, where they could feel at social ease once more.

Paintings adorned the theatre, all in neat frames and as large as the outside walls of most semi-detached houses, depicting bygone creatures of infamy, and burning lairs. A space had been prepared for the latest edition: Insidious Chi.

Dip Sing paced back and forth on the stage. He'd made the same welcome speech hundreds of times, but talking to crowds was far beyond his comfort zone. He stared at the stand that sat at the apex of the stage, cursing its presence and imagining how it would taste between two slices of bread.

The seating was about a quarter full, roughly the expected numbers. Spon surveyed the scene for anyone who may stand out as a potential candidate to become the figurehead of the alumni. There was nothing obvious, although one pair did cause intrigue.

The smaller one had a Swiss army knife for an arm and what appeared to be concrete facial hair. His bigger cohort had a concrete mane. They were certainly ahead of the rest on physical quirks, co-ordinated oddities too. It was a good beginning. He continued to peruse as another large beast wandered towards the cemented duo.

"So what are you here to study? Is that concrete facial hair? Nice touch. Tricky substance concrete, don't want it setting before you're ready....." Yakkety Yak lived up to his name in both chatter and Yak like appearance. Although humanoid in shape, and massive in build, his oxen head and shaggy haired body left nobody in any doubt as to where one half of his family genes had begun.

"Bum-Raa is my name, if you insist on continuing to speak to me."

"Bum-Raa. I like it."

"I'm here for the megalomaniac training. This is my henchman, Jiggery Pokery." Jiggery waved from the seat next to Bum.

"Jiggery Pokery. Good pair of names. You have concrete hair, themed baddies. You two are very professional already. I'm here for henchman training. Mum was sick of me sitting around the house. Told me to go out and do something useful. Only phoned this place to have a chat, see what it was like. Next thing I knew I was getting death threats if I didn't turn up......."

"So you're here alone?" Bum-Raa spotted a potential recruit to aid Jiggery. The University required every overlord applicant to work alongside two henchmen. It believed in training as much for the social reality of the job as well as the practical skills, and two close personal guards was the industry standard. Some believed in adding an amusing servant/sidekick or a lethal pet, but many claimed they were just a cynical marketing ploy. The university remained traditional for now and stuck with physically intimidating duos, but would never rule out any future potential revenue streams.

"Seems so; I arranged to meet a friend here but I'm not sure they applied in the end. Don't suppose you've seen a big guy wandering around? Has a hammer for a face?"

"Can't say I have." Bum turned to Jiggery, issuing nods and hand movements that enquired as to what he thought of the Yak like chatterer. Jiggery didn't mind. As long as he ended up with somebody who didn't want to fight everyone in sight and could hold a conversation every now and then, he'd be happy. "Have you looked around for any training partners yet?" Bum stroked his chin. It needed sanding.

"Partners? Oh no. Hadn't got that far yet. I found the toilets. Out the door, on the left, past the first door. Don't go in the first door. Got a terrible shock putting my head in there, literally......"

"Okay, well. Would you like to join Jiggery in being my closest guard?" Yakkety opened his mouth, without words, for several seconds. Eventually they came.

"Me? Part of your team? I'd be honoured. Oh this is great. Wait 'til I speak to Mum. She said I'd never make any friends. Well what does she know? Will I need to add something concrete to me? How about a concrete eyeball? I can pop this one out right now......"

"That won't be necessary. Welcome." Bum shook the oxen man's hand, followed by Jiggery. The negotiations finished as Dip called for silence. He wanted to get this over with. He had a fresh bowl of water waiting in his room.

The attendance computer scanned the room to complete the register. It could only find four missing applicants and began the relevant threatening admin to their families, although it had to cease as the door thumped open and Brick rolled in, coming to a halt on his chin.

"Evil University induction?" Brick's eyes motioned upwards.

"What?" Dip prepared to smash the speaker stand across Brick's head, stopping as he remembered the bad PR, killing applicants had generated in the past. He crammed the projector remote into his mouth instead. The slideshow would have to be cancelled.

Spiritwind walked in shortly after, stepping across his friend and motioning hello to the room. His fruit jubbly occupied his attention. Bozo and Schmuk bowed and apologised their way inside. They knew they were in danger of being strung up by their eyelashes for such behaviour.

Picking Brick up, they sat on the empty front row. Inherent naughtiness and fear of acquiring the label 'swot' had pushed everyone else towards the back of the theatre. The room gaped in disbelief at such a seating choice, eager to see someone lose their skull as punishment/entertainment.

A high pitched whistle of frustration escaped the side of Dip's mouth, holding in all his urges to attack. Three ingested notepads later, he began to talk; however, where Dip saw anger, Spon saw intrigue. It wasn't often a pair of standard humans wandered in to study Evil, even if their straggly beards and vague night out scars did make them look a little uncouth.

Dip began. "Welcome students, to The University of Evil and Generally Mean Doings." Dip couldn't remove his angry glare from Brick. Luckily Brick was preoccupied with a hair on the edge of his peripheral vision. "Whilst here you shall become fine purveyors of evil and naughtiness, and upon completion you shall be fully qualified to take your chosen role in the push for darkness over light. We offer you the springboard that shall launch you above the hobby horse of achievement, how many back flips you choose to perform depends on how you fill your minds whilst here." Dip had never understood the analogy but someone told him it was poetic, so he stuck with it. "If you would like to fill in the details on the screens in front of you."

A murmuring broke out as everyone turned to the monitors in front of them. Evil hated admin. Forms were only good for burning and using to implement paper cuts across eyeballs. The unrest quickly became growled threats and the tensing of eyes looking for a fight.

As the rabble battled nothing, Spon remained transfixed by Brick and Spiritwind. A faint memory of recognition had been stirred. It fluttered around his mind, refusing to be pinned down long enough for decent study, but it definitely held merit. He'd seen them somewhere before, he was sure of it.

Dip tried to pace away the rage the same coupling had induced in him. Staring at his shoes just shifted the focus of his annoyance. What was the point in shiny footwear when his toes were as hard as oak? He couldn't even look at the group on the front row. There was nothing easily chewable to hand to quell the temper they'd further inflame, especially the one with the floppy hair. Something about his face just made Dip want to erase it from existence.

The form that had sparked the room into an aggressive frenzy was merely three questions: Name, course applied for, and if you were part of a megalomaniac/henchman team already. Rather than getting on with it, the frustration emerged as outrage and strops. The stares and posturing that were added, to prove you were serious, meant the process took far longer than sense would presume possible, except for Brick and Spiritwind.

"Are we a team?" Brick turned to Bozo.

"Why?" Bozo answered between gestures towards a camel with gun turrets instead of humps.

"It asks if you're part of a group already. Just wondered if we were or not. I won't be offended if I've jumped too far ahead on the friendship scale, you can just say. It happens to me all the time."

"You're on to question three already? You guys are fast. We thought we'd be quick after working in an office." Brick looked bemused, but motioned that he still needed an answer. Bozo broke away from growling at the entire back row of students. "Do you want us to be your henchmen while studying?" Bozo returned to snarling. He knew it was entirely futile, but it was expected behaviour.

"If it means you won't be aiming those teeth at me, then yes." Brick was mesmerised by the aggression.

Bozo ceased his rabid volley again, speaking as civilly as any priest to his mum after mass. "Then I guess we're a team." Bozo stood and screamed to the ceiling. Schmuk clambered on his shoulders, beating his chest at the room.

"Excellent." Brick typed in the answer then shifted to the back of his chair, entirely confused at what was going on. It was too early in the morning for his comprehension to be fully working. Spiritwind motioned towards the complete button, with a questioning mouth. Brick answered with a nod. The red orb was pushed and the pair sat back and took in their surroundings. It was bewildering, but better than the bus to work.

A ping alerted Dip and the rest of the room to a completed form being delivered. The terrier bolted over to the master screen to see who had finished so fast.

He looked at the screen, then the heroic duo, then at Spon, then back to the screen before storming across to the pair.

"Is this a joke?"

"If you were a chicken crossing a road, perhaps, but a Chancellor crossing a room just doesn't cut it." Brick had a point.

"Unless you had a punk stapled to you." Spiritwind offered a potential get out.

"Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload? Megalomaniacs working together? Isn't that something of a contradiction in terms?"

Spiritwind thrust a gobstopper in his mouth to avoid any explanation duties. Brick took a deep breath and waited to see what came out of his mouth. Apparently he needed to beckon Dip in closer. "Between you and me, Evil isn't doing too well with its current approach. Now me and my good friend have noticed that some of the more sensible and quietly successful hero types have a habit of forming pairs. So we thought we'd give it a shot." Brick tapped his nose and sat back as though he'd just given Dip the key to eternal life. Dip couldn't believe such an upstart had dared utter the word hero, within his establishment, without the mandatory curse and promise to see their demise. He ripped the screen next to Brick and Spiritwind from its hinge and swallowed it whole. He walked away, red with fury, before turning back.

"I'm watching you two. Just be aware of that." Dip stomped back on to the stage and paced in front of Spon. "Did you hear how brazenly he mentioned heroes? I have a mind to arrange a midnight meeting with Mr......whichever one he is." Dip pointed at Brick. Brick waved back.

"I did hear. Shows a bit of thought and promise, don't you think?" Spon was pleased to see a fellow purveyor of Evil with hero templates on their mind. It increased the itch of familiarity that plagued him.

"They show promise!? I can't speak to you right now." Dip paced to the other end of the stage.

Once all the forms were completed, Dip addressed the crowd once more. Fury had eaten away his nerves. He stared at Brick and Spiritwind as he spoke. "For those not already in a team, you will be assigned accordingly. Your accommodation details and directions should appear on your screens momentarily. Scan in your silhouettes. They will act as your key. Your timetables for study will be awaiting you within your rooms. Enjoy the Evil, men. Let it flow forth and swamp all that is Good." Dip whipped his cloak in the air and pressed the smoke button on his stand. By the time it cleared he had disappeared.

Spon smirked as he watched the dramatic exit from the hidden side of the podium as Dip struggled to squeeze through the trap door beneath his stand. It had been made in his leaner times.

As the class filed out, Bum-Raa paid particular attention to the two Earthlings, who had remained seated, stroking his chin in evil thought as he scowled towards them. In a class full of aspiring megalomaniacs they all wanted to stand out, and those two had made a first impression on everyone.

Bum-Raa realised that if he was going to come top of the class, and launch his career, they would have to be surpassed, or eradicated. Either one deserved a cheeky cackle, but as they wouldn't be learning laughter until next Thursday he held it in and satisfied himself by staring at them menacingly. Brick and Spiritwind only noticed the ball of concrete trouble when he stepped in to the doorframe by mistake. Cursing the pair further, Bum left the room, his henchmen toddling behind.

Eventually, Brick and Spiritwind stood to leave. They were never one to rush for the exit, even in a so called emergency; too much hustle and bustle. As they departed the only person left in the room was Spon, still lost in thought over where he knew the curious pairing from.

Offering to leave the door open for the Vice Chancellor, Spon declined, but as Brick pulled it closed a potential answer fell into Mr Dooliks mind.

"Surely not!" Spon's eyes lit up with shock, his body standing with urgency. He had files to check, and not those that belonged to Evil.

Contents
Chapter Seven

Nicole Extravaganza stepped in to the seedy bar. All available eyes focused upon her, only to have their attention split by the introduction of Suzy Fantastic moments later. The Broken Nose didn't receive many females within its boundaries. The few that did enter were usually there for the annual arm-wrestling competition, and they usually won. To see two six-foot tall, lycra clad bodies of athletic promise standing virtuously in the doorway stole all words from the occupants and replaced them with gawps of awe and dribbles of desire. The duo's perfectly straight, hip length hair, Nicole a brunette, Suzy with red flowing locks, swayed delicately in opposing rhythm to the rest of their sensual stroll as they made their way through the room.

People who knew the Broken Nose knew not to go in there, people who didn't know it still knew not to go in there. You didn't have to actually enter to understand the sense of claustrophobic intimidation that seeped menacingly from inside. The clues were everywhere; from the bricked up front window that saved replacing the glass each day as somebody would be thrown through it, to the flickering, caged single bulb in the doorway, intermittently illuminating whoever happened to be lay there unconscious at that particular time; either post robbery/brawl, or just someone who had too much confidence in their liver, which they wouldn't be seeing again unless they coincidentally sought a replacement organ from the same back-street doctor that had stolen it.

Nicole and Suzy strode through the bar with an air of physical belief that caught the clientele off guard, although the onlookers sensed it was a confidence that could be backed up if needed. The two stunning visitors were grade three heroes, and were more than capable of unleashing the kung-fu skills that came with the award.

"Where's Fidget Jones?" Nicole queried the barman with a look of velvet covered violence in her eye. His cigar fell out of his mouth and on to the alcohol strewn counter. The level of spittle on his lips, that Nicole's gaze created, had made gripping the cancerous tube no longer possible. He pointed towards a corner without speaking. Nicole winked and followed the non-verbal tip.

Fidget Jones watched the pair approach as pockets of noise re-emerged around the bar, although most still stared in wonder.

"Mind if we take a seat?" Nicole wasn't asking, and Fidget wasn't protesting. Fidget was a low level bad guy, slight in build and sneaky in nature. His pointy features and angled eyes communicated the mistrust you should place in him, but he knew everything and everyone and feared the two ladies enough to help, whenever they could pin him down.

"So, Fidget. I think you know who we want to find."

"You shouldn't be in here. You'll cause me mischief, and yourselves." Fidget could see the room coming to its senses, its occupants realising two extremely attractive females were in their pub. Testosterone started to swill around their minds in response.

"Don't worry, Fidget. We're not here for the reasonably priced lasagne. We'll be leaving pretty soon. Once we find out where he is." Nicole leant in further.

"There are a lot of he's." Fidget had to put up some resistance. It was part of his role.

"Does Suzy have to shake your memory until you remember which one?" Suzy's eye sat half closed, twitching as her expression turned blank.

Suzy Fantastic suffered from twitches of rage: her anger would rise into an uncontrollable burst of fury and unleash pain on anyone it could find to focus on. Those that had seen it never needed a repeat performance, and Fidget had definitely seen it.

"No, no. I'll tell you."

"Where Scrotal Nepotism is hiding?" Nicole wanted to be sure she got the right answer.

Scrotal Nepotism was Nicole and Suzy's assigned nemesis. Every good hero had to have one; however they'd recently saved a galaxy and been promoted to Grade Three hero level. Scrotal was strictly a grade one nemesis, possibly a grade two if he'd worked on his patter a little more, but certainly not level three. As such they needed a new bad guy to stand toe to toe with, but first they had to vanquish their old foe and deliver him to Velos 19 to be officially processed.

Nemesis Processing was a free service the Heroes Guild offered upon promotion, rather than the old days when you had to cast them away yourself to an ambiguously fatal future. The lack of surety over your enemy's fate allowed you to move on to a sequel and a new bad guy yet still keep the threat of the older rival in reserve, just in case you needed them for a future instalment due to their replacement not catching everyone's imagination in the same way, or simply through a stagnation of new ideas.

"Yes, Scrotal Nepotism; although he doesn't go by that name anymore; he doesn't even work in the day to day grind of Evil anymore. He's become something of a statesman, an overseer." It began to feel as though the entire room was closing in on the table in the corner. Nicole looked around to check her surroundings. They still had time.

"Come on, Fidget. Finish the story."

"He's been made Chancellor of The University of Evil and Generally Mean Doings. He goes by the name Dip Sing Doolally."

"You, me, kissing, now!" An eight foot behemoth of a rogue stood behind Nicole. Four beasts of similar stature stood behind him. They all grinned at the air.

"Thank you, Fidget. Now you may wish to hide under the table for a few moments." Nicole stood and faced her suitor, the two foot height difference mattering little when stacked against flawless technique. Suzy stood by her partner's side, eye still twitching, saying nothing. "And they say romance is dead. You sure know the code to the lock that is on my heart, and everything else." She winked. The towering idiots grinned further. "We women hate all that flowery wordplay really. We just want a man that knows what he wants and isn't afraid to demand it." She looked curiously at the numpty's mouth and the obvious clue to his last meal. "Even with a horse's tail stuck in his teeth?" Suzy continued to build her level of anger, her body beginning to convulse, gently at first; her face tensing and shaking a minimal amount, but with ultimate fury.

"My only question, is do you think you rough, tough gentlemen could handle both me and my friend?" Nicole pointed the men's gaze towards Suzy. Their smirks disappeared, replaced by concern at the bubbling beauty.

Suzy seized on the pause as her entire body vibrated with ultimate rage, and smashed the leader straight in the chin. His jaw shattered as his feet left the ground, his limbs relinquishing all landing responsibility as they sailed unconsciously through the air. As the oaf's back took the full impact of the floor being reached, Suzy delivered a swift side-kick to the thug to her right. He rocketed through the room and smashed in to a table. It collapsed around him, an upturned ketchup bottle dribbling its contents onto his head for comedic effect. An abrupt kick between the legs of the next potential attacker saw his wheezing body fall to the floor, a punch in each eyeball left him unsure what to hold in agony first. The final two lunged for her from either side. Gymnastic prowess spilled forth as she skipped up their approaching bodies and over their heads, back-flipping to land at the side of the colliding beasts. Without pause she grabbed their belts and proceeded to spin, lifting each from their feet. Releasing them at the optimum point they took a wide section of the Broken Nose's clientele with them, clearing a path for the duo to ooze down and towards the door. Nicole swayed calmly, drawing instant love from the onlookers, while Suzy tensed and eyeballed anyone who dared breathe. The audience were stunned into holding back any thoughts of attack, and somewhat regretful at not having filmed the event on their phones.

Once outside, Nicole turned to Suzy. "You okay?" Nicole checked the twitches had passed. They were usually brief and only for the length of battle.

"Fine, ready for whatever's next; what is next?" Even though she was now calm, Suzy spoke in a stern and threatening manner. It was something of a standard method of communicating for the warrior. Irrelevant of her true feelings, you felt permanently in danger of receiving a thump. Over time and growing familiarity with her partner, Nicole had learnt not to put her guard up during every conversation.

"Evil University and our nemesis upgrade."

"Excellent. I hope the next person to get in our way has some kind of laser attachment built into their face, gives a lot of scope to defeat them with mirrors. Love a good rebounded laser in the mouth........"

Evil University had never been so popular.

Contents
Chapter Eight

"You two. In here." Jiggery Pokery and Yakkety Yak had barely had chance to explore their meagre henchman accommodation before they were summoned to Bum-Raa's adjoining room.

Bum-Raa's abode was a far more palatial affair. The university offered its students a taste of what they can expect should they go on to a career in Evil. Henchmen rooms were at the top end of what they could hope for but still relatively basic. More functional than aesthetic. The megalomaniac students received a more opulent version, but essentially the same components. It was decided a megalomaniac is never happy with what they've got anyway. It's their gift. So rather than break the budget and still achieve unhappiness, the university remained within its fiscal power.

"Did anything strike you as odd about those two at the induction?" The question was rhetorical.

"That depends which two...." Yakkety didn't understand such a concept. ".....The two in front of us were a right state. Where did they get those costumes, a farm? Or do you mean the two....."

"My question was rhetorical." Bum tried a more open approach.

"Oh. Like the weather. The weather's a bugger isn't it?"

"Yakkety, I understand you're excited, we all are, but there has to be some decorum and structure to our relationship if we're all going to pass this course. I'm the evil overlord and you are my henchmen. You have to listen to me and not question it, and often fear me when I pull an aggrieved face or signal my anger is about to spill over. Sometimes it may feel a little personal, and mean, but I value and respect your position even though it infuriates me in equal measure; most of the time these rants require nothing more of you than to stand and listen, occasionally nodding, and maybe signalling between each other your disdain at my apparent insanity. Got that?"

"I'll say yes. Even though I didn't listen to most of it."

"That's more like it." Bum tried to remember where he'd been up to. A lock-pick popped out of his arm for no apparent reason. The distraction of having to slide it back in to place reminded him.

"The two who came in late then filled in their forms suspiciously quickly." Bum paused for effect then turned abruptly. "I don't like them. Something doesn't sit right in my mind. I want you two to find out as much as possible about them and report back to me." He tested how a stroke of his beard added to the tension. It felt good. University was paying off already. "Befriend their henchmen during classes, sneak into their room, observe them from a precarious spot you can fall from in a comedic manner; I don't care how you do it, but do it." Bum-Raa attempted a threatening grimace, only his face wasn't entirely sure what he was asking from it. It flicked from an expression of wondering what was in his pocket, to remembering a time he was tickled, holding neither long enough to achieve interpretation. Eventually he pointed his eyes towards the door. Jiggery picked up on the signal to leave. Yakkety was busy trying to remember the theme tune to 'Rum Ducks', a soap from his childhood. Jiggery yanked at his partner's arm.

"Is that it then? Are we off? I enjoyed that. Not as much as paragliding. Now that's really good fun..........."

Bum-Raa remained in his staring position until the henchmen door closed. The moment the lock clicked shut, the overlord skipped across the room and leapt on to one of the two luxurious, king-sized beds he'd been supplied with. Sinking into the quilt, he extended his limbs and swung them through the excessively fluffed duvet covering, pleased he was clearly far ahead of his peers in setting his henchmen a mission. The chuffed megalomaniac paused in an effort to look insightful. It needed practice, but that was exactly why he was here.

Contents
Chapter Nine

Spon burst through his front door and headed straight to his extensive personal library. His cat, Jonathan Capstick, didn't have time to perform its full 'feed me because I'm so cute' display before he whistled past. The cat followed, with a huff, to find Spon stood in the far corner of the room. It was his Hero section, and he perused it in the hope a memory would be triggered.

Brick and Spiritwind had ignited recognition in the Vice Chancellor, and he knew all he needed was the name of a battle or war or some thwarted attack to extinguish it.

Mr Capstick rubbed his cheek on Spon's leg. He wouldn't normally revert to such extreme neediness so quickly, but not even a glance on the way in meant he had to up his game if he wanted to be fed before his next nap.

Spon continued to pace back and forth, reading the spines of the extensive array of books and urging his memory to step forward, but nothing.

The cat weaved between Spon's legs, generating a tut and shake of the limb from the lecturer, expressing both his annoyance and dismissive attitude towards the creature. Mr Capstick wandered to the centre of the room in confusion. This was most unlike Spon, he was usually so attentive.

With only one tactic left, Jonathon began to make his way out of the library. Stopping a few feet from the door he glanced back over his shoulder and let out a pained meow. Spon, still with his mind rummaging through his internal files, strolled over and picked the cat up.

"Success." Thought Mr Capstick, only to be disappointed as Spon stroked the animal and sat down at his desk, placing the feline on his knee.

"Where do I know those faces from, Jonathon?" Spon turned to the window as the cat wondered if it was worth hanging out at the Dooliks' residence anymore. There were plenty of little old ladies in the neighbourhood. They begged him to stay over on a regular basis.

"Hold on." Spon spun back to his desk and opened a draw. Mr Capstick had, had enough and sauntered off, intent on weeing in an indoor plant to show Spon who really owned the place.

The draw contained Spon's back copies of Hero Monthly. The latest edition sat proudly atop and displayed the golden statue of Hugo and 'those other people who got in the picture'. The universe continued to pay the true heroes of the hour little respect. Slapping the magazine on to his desk, Spon removed his magnifying glass from its desktop holder and stared intently at a furrowed brow and pair of eyes above Hugo's right knee, and a bald head, semi-obscured by an over facing baguette. He dropped the magnifying glass and sighed to the ceiling.

"It cannot be. These men do not have beards or the relevant scars." Part of the hero powers Brick and Spiritwind had earned allowed even their most feeble disguises to trick bad guys. "Yet they look so similar. Perhaps they are related? More importantly, if they imbue the power of hero's maybe they can help me take over my neighbour's garden?" Spon's mind, without any sense of conscience to hinder it, instantly turned to his own benefits, and excitement that he was finally at the centre of something genuinely interesting.

"Mr Capstick! Get out of that plant!"

Jonathon felt happy that he had resumed control of the house.

Contents
Chapter Ten

Spiritwind had laid out all the components of his crisp butty, including mayonnaise in place of butter. As he began assigning the filling to its holder, Brick sat up on the luxurious bed he'd been lay on.

Fortunately for the pair, all overlord rooms came with two double beds. They were as close as friends can be, but each enjoyed their own space when resting. Brick had chosen his cradle by lying on it and closing his eyes the moment they arrived. He called it his ambience alignment time, most people would call it dozing.

Having disturbed his pondering, Brick posed the question that had been niggling at his subconscious. "Where does that door lead?" He pointed at a door on the far side of their abode.

Brick strode across to the portal, hoping it was an eternal slide, and opened it.

"Oh, hello again. What a coincidence." It was Bozo and Schmuk's quarters, identical to Jiggery and Yakkety's, only Bozo was lifting the supplied fridge freezer above his head while jogging on the spot as Schmuk struck his friend in the kidney area with repeated blows. "Am I interrupting something I shouldn't?"

"Just training." The two henchmen reversed roles while Brick wandered in.

"I think we definitely got the better deal on the room. You should complain."

"It's standard henchman and megalomaniac level accommodation; part of the course." Bozo spoke as Schmuk grimaced through the pounding.

"I'd at least draft a stern letter. Never know what comes of it." Brick continued to stroll and poke things. "I'm glad it's you two next door, some seriously odd characters wandering around this place. I wouldn't want them to have access to my sleeping body."

The henchmen paused briefly, swapping curious glances before swapping straight back in realisation they each had their own. Bozo offered information. "The door can only be opened on your side. We're here to do your bidding. We have to learn the boss/underling relationship as much as you have to learn to order us around."

"That looks heavy." Spiritwind wandered in, crisp butty in hand.

"They reckon we've got to order them around." Brick broke the news to his chomping friend.

"Really? Will that not be a bit odd? You feel more like friends." The first bite of the sandwich justified the excess planning that went in to it.

Schmuk put the fridge down. The pause was extending towards a break for discussion. Bozo continued to inform. "Friends or not, there are traditions to uphold, and bonus marks for execution."

Brick spotted an opportunity for flounced philosophy. "I think you'll find me and Sp...Corsetry, aren't your average bad guy, types. We see traditions as merely unchallenged habits, unquestioned for no reason other than longevity, and longevity is no foundation to build but even the flimsiest tent upon. No. We like to approach things with a fresh eye, one focused on success, and this Evil business all seems a little bit too mean for our outlook on life. We want to foster co-operation and harmony amongst us, a feeling that we're all striving for the same thing and for the same rewards; to create a belief and positive attitude that will spread amongst us as a team and harness the success we deserve"

"Sounds more like heroics." Schmuk rubbed his kidney area.

Brick began to pace with a pronounced energy. The limited space meant he may have to go back into his own room and shout through the door. "Maybe, but those guys always win don't they? So why should we be so stubborn as to be unable to learn from their approach. We want to win don't we?"

"Of course we want to win, but we know...."

"We know nothing, except that if we accept defeat before we try then we're already beaten." Brick read the line back over in his mind. He felt it was Hugo standard. Spiritwind nodded his own approval before retrieving another sandwich.

"You guys are the bosses." Bozo nodded to Schmuk to lift the fridge up once more. Whatever the human's philosophical slant, this could still all be a test of obedience. He'd heard overlords were weird like that. "You just tell us what needs punching and we'll hit it." Schmuk held the fridge aloft and continued running on the spot.

"Is this what henchmen do of an evening then?" Spiritwind filled the potentially awkward silence. Brick was busy beaming about his heroic sentence.

"We've got a physical first thing. Need to be ready. How about you two? What's first for megalomania?" Bozo tested the friendship philosophy with a question.

"You seem to think I should know the answer to that?" Spiritwind turned to Brick in case he knew; the gurning hero didn't even have an expression of clueless-ness to offer in return.

"Your schedule should have been delivered to your room. Ours came in the beak of an attacking ostrich, had to beat it out of it. Not sure what you'll get."

"Oh. Guess we'd better go and take a look. Erm, be on guard in case we need assistance. You'll know by our yelps." Spiritwind ushered Brick back through the door, ducking as they went, in case an ostrich was waiting to take a swing.

Bozo and Schmuk shook their heads as the duo left. They'd been told megalomaniacs were odd but the reality was proving beyond their expectations.

"Delivery for Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload." Back in the overlord room, a three foot high biscuit tin held one arm behind its back while the other held out a tray with an envelope on it. Brick and Spiritwind didn't quite know what to do.

"Has that been there all the time?" Brick over-rid indecision with a query.

"Delivery for Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload." It repeated its mantra. Simply standing there hadn't worked and the tin had a date that evening. He only had to finish this last delivery and his shift was over. He'd never been out with a washing up bowl before. He'd heard they were quite the friendly type.

"Have you been there all the time?" Brick aimed his question directly at the metal container.

"Delivery for Dag....."

"Okay, I get it. I'm Dag aren't I?" Brick turned to Spiritwind.

"Why not. You seem to like your name coming first." Spiritwind took a seat.

"I do don't I. What do you have for us?"

"Delivery for Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload." The tin motioned towards the envelope. Brick picked it up. The tin nodded at each recipient then left with a scurry.

Brick opened the letter and proceeded to read. Spiritwind had a thought as he did so.

"He must have been here all the time, feels empty now he's gone."

"We didn't say anything to blow our cover did we? He did have a cheeky grin on his face. He may be off to tell his bosses that two grade five heroes are masquerading as students." Brick completely misinterpreted the amorous smirk of the tin.

"I don't think we even spoke until you mentioned the door. I was building butty perfection and you were dozing." The comment reminded Spiritwind he had a snack left.

"You mean re-aligning my ambience." Brick didn't wait for agreement and informed his partner of what the note said. "Says we have to be back in the megalomaniac hall tomorrow morning where we'll have a full course introduction and outline of what will be required to pass."

"Sounds like a good day."

"Or a very, very bad one." Brick tried to look evil. He looked more like he'd just swallowed a lemon while sitting on a drawing pin. "See what I did there? Good, bad."

"Oh I saw. I just didn't think it warranted further comment."

"Well, as long as you saw." Brick returned to the bed for more ambience alignment while Spiritwind planned his next meal; however, hidden in the air vents were two female heroes who had just overheard the most intriguing piece of gossip since Queen Serenade left her husband to be with the nation's official time-waster.

Contents
Chapter Eleven

Nicole and Suzy edged back from the air vent they'd stumbled on. Heroic coincidence had diverted their search for Dip Sing's office past Brick and Spiritwind's room, just as they mentioned their true identities as heroes.

Nicole whispered. "I think we've stumbled on an undercover, grade five operation?"

"I thought there was only one active grade five hero?" Both women silently tutted at the thought of Hugo Cortizone as they slumped against the metallic walls in ponderous shock, wondering how to respond.

Hugo's aura of hunk did little for the two females, something the great one found infinitely frustrating. His response was to go over the top with come-ons whenever he was around the pair. Something he tried to engineer whenever possible.

Nicole and Suzy's plan to capture their nemesis, the current Chancellor of the university, had been running suspiciously smoothly. Flirting their way past the security system, it had agreed to mask their presence in the hope of a kiss as gratitude, they had been mere moments away from the grill overlooking Dip's office; only to pass Brick and Spiritwind's vent at the exact time they revealed their true identities. The ladies were confused, but relieved to finally find the twist inherently buried in every mission a hero undertakes.

"Weren't there some 'helpers' around when the bucket of sleaze saved the universe?" Suzy delved into her memory. "Can't really remember much about those three flaxals (about six days). Great party whoever it honoured. Isn't that where you....."

".........we agreed never to mention that again. Never did find my other knee-pad." Nicole lost herself in nostalgia for a moment. "Helpers don't qualify for grade five awards though, surely?"

"The Hero Council has many strange ways, but if they do, perhaps a pair of grade three heroes who happen to stumble upon a grade five mission should try to 'help' out. Maybe they'll find themselves promoted?" The slowly nodding head suggested it was the only option, and that disagreeing may see you in a headlock. "Heroic coincidence has pointed us here for a reason, and as the code says, heroic coincidences must be followed to their inevitable conclusion."

"Suzy, you really are fantastic." Nicole went along with her partner, as much out of fear of being strangled as the fact it was a great idea.

"I do my best." Suzy beamed with an underlying grimace as the pair returned to the air vent that overlooked Brick and Spiritwind's room. Further research of what they had discovered became their new plan for the day.

***********

"It's a joy to see such professionalism at work; to maintain such incompetence even when locked away in the privacy of their rooms. We could definitely learn from two such masters of heroics." Nicole and Suzy had returned to their craft, Wanton Pleasure, after several hours observing Brick and Spiritwind.

"Unless it isn't an act?" Suzy skimmed worryingly close to the truth.

"You think they helped save the universe and are now embarking on an effort to infiltrate Evil all through sheer incompetence?" The question hung in the air, unsure if time would step in with an answer. Only expressions of 'don't be silly' were swapped. "Wanton." Nicole addressed the craft.

"Ladies, how are you this fine evening? I must say I'm picking up effervescence from you both."

"Must be all those pleasant bubbles you fill us with." The female pair had ramped up the complimentary setting on their ship. Wearing lycra all day can be a tricky look to remain confident in, especially at certain slouched angles. Every boost to their ego was a welcome one. "Could you bring up everything you know about all living grade five heroes?"

"For a woman of your radiance, anything." The screen filled with lines of data concerning Hugo and Irish.

"Eliminate all reference to Hugo or Irish."

The screen changed to thirty pages of headings. The final entry on the final page said Brick and Spiritwind and had a thumbnail of a pair of eyes behind a baguette and a flick of hair appearing over a knee.

"Bring up the last entry."

The computer turned the words on the screen into speech. "Brick Wall and Spiritwind Capernicus Jones: saved an Earth franchise from invading Jefferians, were part of the mysterious helpers that were there when The Great One saved the universe; also available for basic admin positions and warehouse work."

"That's it? That's all you've got?" Nicole felt perplexed, and then further admiration at the low profile the pair had managed to keep.

"Would somebody like a bath running? I sense tension."

"Wanton, you always know the right thing to say."

"Suzy? Would you like one too?" The ship really knew how to treat its owners.

"Extra bubbles please. Wanton, why can't you be a man we could cuddle and take home to our mums?" As nice as the words were, the tone suggested somebody would be getting a thump for this not being the case.

"For I am one of the most complex electronic minds in the universe, built to understand the lady form. A man's head would have to be the size of a small car to hold what I fathom." Wanton gave the impression he was strolling away, smugly humming a tune as the sound of two running baths began.

Nicole had been studying the image on the screen. "The added beards for this mission must be throwing Evil completely off the scent. The heroic craftsmanship of this pair is on another level." Nicole continued to interpret Brick and Spiritwind with unearned favour.

"Now we know they're genuine heroes, we owe it to our careers to speak to them at least." Suzy was hoping they knew a series of elaborate death pinches.

"I concur. We should spend tomorrow in the air vents, observing further; then we should engage with them."

"In destiny." Suzy held out her hand in a vertical fashion, Nicole mirrored the action as the pair pretended to be unable to touch, prevented from clasping hands by an invisible barrier. They were trying to create their own extra gimmick. It hadn't been fully settled on but the palm tower of static had lasted longer than anything else. Perhaps two 'professionals' such as Brick and Spiritwind would be able to offer some tips on where they were going wrong, although futile gimmicks were probably the only thing the bumbling pair could speak with any confidence on.

Contents
Chapter Twelve

Spon sat on his chair inside the Megalomaniac Lab, watching the overlord students filing in. As Vice Chancellor, and Head of Strategy, it was his duty to welcome the class to the course and offer a brief outline of what they would be doing. He paid particular attention to Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload as they ambled past, Dag trying to tie his shoelace with nothing but a wiggle of his strolling foot, Corsetry flicking peanuts in the air and catching them expertly in his mouth. Again the pair willingly took the seats at the front: such un-Evil behaviour.

Spon's mind raced through confusion. 'If they were somehow undercover heroes, although with beards and added scars I fail to see how, why would they go out of their way to raise suspicion, unless it's a double bluff? They're either supremely intelligent or utterly stupid'. Spon believed there had to be a third answer.

The lab contained up to fifty work stations, all in rows of five. Each megalomaniac occupied a desk with a multitude of unexplained tools and buttons built into it. A screen sat at the centre. It displayed an Earth planet. The ambience was altogether more polite without the overt threats of the henchmen students, although an undercurrent of mistrust and sinister intent was palpable.

Brick looked around for an extra chair. The furniture presumed megalomaniacs would only require one seat. With the first two rows left entirely empty he had the choice of as many as he desired. He wheeled the nearest, tall, opulent, stool back towards Spiritwind.

As everybody settled in, Brick perused the decor. The wall displayed mottos of dubious morality: 'All I ask for is everything!' 'Being mean is to be brave enough to go for what everyone wants but is afraid to be seen to say it!' 'Every mountain is a challenge to climb, or a great place to set up an HQ!'

With all the students present, the class looked politely towards Spon, except for Bum-Raa who focused a general stare of dislike firmly on the duo from Earth. Spon was equally lost in thought about the pair at the front, until the overwhelming sense of a room awaiting his words snapped him from his mind. The Vice Chancellor apologised to the air, gathered his thoughts, and stood to deliver his address.

"Welcome, future megalomaniacs. I trust you slept well." It wasn't a question. "I am Spon Dooliks. You may remember me from yesterday." Still not a question. "I am the Vice Chancellor and Head of Strategy, and I will grade your final assignment. I have great hopes for this group. You can be the best, or should I say worst." A ripple of cackles and grunts trickled around the room. The 'worst' joke never failed, although Brick and Spiritwind were too busy zooming in and out of the Earth on their screen to pay attention. Spon noted their playful manner. "Over the next ticklish (about two weeks) you will be trained in all manner of evil ways and fiendish thinking. At the end of this time you will be asked to pool all you have learnt in to one final project: a real live mission to take over a planet." The room gasped in evil excitement. "You will each be assigned an Earth from the early twenty first century. It is your charge to become its ruler."

"Just freeze time and steal all the tea and coffee." Brick nudged Spiritwind with an instant plan.

"We know that doesn't work though."

"Oh yeh, forgot about those two dashing heroes filled with thwart." Brick flicked his hair with a shuffle of his neck, sending vague whiplash towards his spine.

"Your final grade will take into account every facet of your plan; including costumes, catchphrase, style, projected terror, strops, execution, and eventual demise."

"Demise! What if we succeed?" Brick couldn't keep his thoughts in. The room stunned itself into silence.

"Succeed?" Spon didn't know what else to say.

"Yes. Isn't that the point?" Brick quickly realised he shouldn't have spoken, much less carry on. It wasn't his first social faux pas, although it was the first that threatened to see him torn apart with looks alone; except for the incident in the bridesmaid's dressing room at his second cousin's wedding.

"This is your first attempt at taking over anything and you expect success? Megalomaniacs go their whole careers with only minor victories. It is the way of the universe." Spon reeled off his lesson with indignation, but pride welling behind his eyes. He continued, sternly. "You will be marked based on how the planet's inbuilt heroes eventually thwart you, which they will."

"They will if you think like that." Brick spoke under his breath, dropping his head below the glares. Only Spon caught the last statement.

"You two should see me after the class." Spon was pleased for the opportunity to speak privately with the pair. He'd wondered how he could fashion it otherwise. He'd never been any good at meeting by bridges at midnight. You never knew who was lurking, especially on an Evil planet.

Bum cursed the pair. First day and they'd secured a one on one meeting with the Vice Chancellor.

"Where was I?" Spon had distracted himself with emotional conflict.

Bum-Ra raised his hand and spoke. "You were explaining how we get marked for inevitable defeat, which we all accept, except for some." He was eager to make any impression while continuing to glare at Brick and Spiritwind, which they remained oblivious to.

"I was wasn't I. Along the way you will study flippant planning, costume design, flawed impenetrable base design, cackling to the sky, fancy yet impractical vehicle concepts, henchman berating, puppy torture, old lady poking, easily escapable death machines, and much, much more. To aid you and myself there are several tutors who will share their own expertise. A few of them are here today to introduce themselves."

A panel behind Spon turned. It contained a row of oddballs attempting to look studious.

"Is that Zarg?" Brick pointed to a three foot high, green, pot-bellied alien with a horn for a nose.

"He does look incredibly similar, yet entirely different." A comedic observation found a home in its third novel.

"This is Cyril from Jeffery. Head of base location and design, and an ingenious strategist whose marvellous plan to take over an Earth only failed when, how did it fail again?"

"We're still trying to work that out."

"You see; such Evil professionalism. Still doesn't know how they failed, learnt nothing, an example to you all." Spon moved down the line. "This is Dollop, a henchman of intimidating experience. He is in charge of our sidekick training but will help you on your berating module. Now Dollop is something of a star in the Evil world. Tell the class your last assignment, if you would."

The ten foot beast, with a diagonal scar misaligning his features, spoke. "I was Insidious Chi's closest guard on his recently failed attempt to take over the universe." The class applauded and searched for a pen and paper. Brick and Spiritwind peered nervously from behind their screen.

"Do you remember him?" Brick asked first.

"I don't think I'd forget him. More importantly, does he remember us?" Spiritwind asked a better question.

"Should we just stick our heads out and find out?" Brick did it without waiting for approval, joining in the applause and trying to offer a wolf whistle. Sticking his fingers in his mouth, he still had no clue how to make any noise other than the sound of an asthmatic man out for a morning jog. Dollop looked at the pair out of curiosity rather than recognition. Their paths had never crossed.

"You worked with the great Chi? How was it?" Bum-Raa continued to seek the approval of anyone he could garner it from.

"I did. I was his closest guard along with a colleague. He was everything you expect from a boss, and sometimes more. All was going so well until Hugo Cortizone turned up to save the day."

"Even he thinks it was Hugo." Brick's outrage quickly quelled as he realised now was not the time to take issue with who saved the universe.

Spon offered Dollop a consoling pat on the shoulder and moved along. "This is Eleven Thirty: Head torturer of countless domains."

"Must be Twelve Thirty's winter time cousin." Brick made a poor joke as a six foot man in full Victorian garb flourished a wave. He was supported by his beard rather than legs.

"And we have your Head of Costume, Glass Halfempty, and Lead Craft Designer, Tumbleweed Placebo; some of your tutors." Spon signalled for applause. It came after a few seconds pause and pre-empted the screen revolving the faculty back out of view.

"So today you can feel free to familiarise yourselves with the facilities and the layout of the university. Learn your workstations and how best to use them. You may wander, or stay." Spon half dismissed the class.

"Sounds like a day off to me." Brick planned a series of naps and a booze based picnic.

"You two, come with me." Spon pointed at Brick and Spiritwind.

"Maybe not." Spiritwind mentally packed away the dried meats.

***********

Brick and Spiritwind followed Spon through the corridors and towards his office. The Vice Chancellor strolled a good fifteen feet ahead.

"What if we're walking into a trap?" Brick brought up his usual worry.

"I was wondering how long it would take you to think that."

"Well we have to be on our guard. We are heroes in a highly dangerous situation." Brick whispered his realisation.

"That is a fair point, but we're in Evil University. We're pretty much already in a massive trap." Spiritwind chewed his candy floss while remaining relaxed.

"I suppose we are."

Spon opened his door, it came with an over dramatic creak. He left it ajar for the two students to follow, which they did. Only Brick adopted a fighting stance he had no idea how to use.

Spon walked to his desk and sat behind it.

The room was ample for one man and had wooden clad walls reminiscent of a Victorian gent's library. The desk was equally opulent and covered with green, stud nailed leather on top. Upon the cow-skin was the copy of Hero Monthly with Brick and Spiritwind on the cover. Spiritwind noticed it.

"Maybe it is a trap." Spiritwind spoke without allowing his sudden concern to become apparent through body language.

"If you're saying it, I'm worried." The nudge alerted Brick to the magazine. He considered panicking, but thought it too much effort.

"Do you have any idea why you're here?" Spon picked up his thinking pipe and turned gently in his chair.

"To be trapped?" Brick had only one thing on his mind.

"To eat cakes?" Spiritwind did too, only a different thing entirely.

"No." Spon was caught off guard by the answers. "To eat cakes?"

"Or even to be trapped by cakes as bait?" Brick elaborated.

"Ooh. If you were planning to trap us with poisoned cakes you could tell me, and I'd still probably eat them." Spiritwind clarified his position.

"No. It's neither of those things..."

"I see you've found our nemisises, nemesii, nemisum...s, our sworn enemies." Brick slapped the magazine with his hand. It appeared he had a plan. He opened his mouth to find out what it may be.

"Your what?" Spon was again taken by surprise.

"Our what?" Spiritwind was too.

Brick began to pace. The magnitude of his tale warranted it, and the thinking time needed it. "Imagine starting on the path of Evil only to discover a long lost twin that embodies everything that is Good; an intriguing plot twist, of course, but a nightmare when it comes to family do's. Way back when, Good believed it could create the ultimate heroes, and so it set out genetically to make the perfect crime fighting duo. They decided that in order to do so they should assign a twin to grow with each, sucking all Evil from within. They called it the De Vito-Schwarzenegger principle; and it worked only too well. Wishing to test the true power of genetics, these emblems of Good were made in the mould of two true occupants of an Earth franchise and cast away to a planet at the hub of nowhere. If they could flourish from there then they would truly prove to be natural heroes." Brick bit his fist and looked to the sky. It always seemed to work for Hugo. It just left him with a slightly sore knuckle and a few mild indents.

"Fascinating." Spon was already making notes. Spiritwind had retrieved a series of topped crackers to enjoy the story with.

"As we kept our eyes glued to the ether, for news of their progress, we were saddened to see they'd already risen to such heights." Brick pointed back to the magazine, shielding his proud eyes with his free hand. "Even if their strongly deserved recognition for such achievements did not follow, some would say stolen from them, we knew we were falling behind in our own mirrored careers. We needed to step up our Evil ambitions. Filling post boxes with bees just wasn't fulfilling our potential, and so we applied here to become the best. We thought knowledge of our twins would go against us and so decided not to mention it."

Spon was amazed. "You are the Evil residue of that experiment?" Brick nodded apologetically. "So you have the genetic make-up of the perfect Good, only your moral compass points towards Evil?"

"I'm afraid so." Brick stared down towards his chest, entirely unsure how his words had been received. Spiritwind didn't speak, but his eyes suggested he was impressed with his friend's waffle.

Spon put down his thinking pipe, stood, tiptoed towards the door and closed it. He shuffled back to the pair quickly and spoke in a whispered hush. "This is marvellous." Brick looked up, pleased he hadn't ended up in a cage filled with ants bearing a grudge. "It has been my vision for many a year now to take Evil down a more heroic path, to employ the approach and techniques of Good, but tradition will not allow it. Just a little more professionalism, more thought before action, better tactics, and we could succeed, but no they continue with blatantly flawed plans and simple errors of logic. You two could be my saviour, you could prove me right. We could bring a new dawn of Evil to bear." Spon bit his lip and looked out of the window. Brick and Spiritwind shrugged to each other and put the fact they hadn't been arrested down to skill over heroic narrative.

"How would you feel about a small test of your abilities?" Spon spun back round.

"Will it involve getting stabbed or chased?" Brick needed some details. He'd heard all sorts of rumours about Evil.

"Not if you do the task well."

"Go on then." Spiritwind was just happy not to be down a pit, fighting a beast of rabid hunger and many teeth; whilst also hoping the task in question didn't involve being put in a pit, to fight a beast of rabid hunger and many teeth.

"It has been my own personal mission for many years to take over my neighbour's garden. I've read every technique and tactic there is on skulduggery, but I cannot put any of my knowledge into practice. How would you feel about coming to my house and setting a plan that will see me take his land as my own?"

"Shouldn't be too hard." Brick instantly accepted.

"Will there be cakes?" Spiritwind spotted room for negotiation.

"Why not. I'll pick some up on the way home." Spon almost leapt in joy before realising solemnity and the rubbing together of hands was a far more befitting manner to celebrate upcoming Evil.

"Give us your address then and we'll be there about eight." Brick formalised the arrangement as Spon grabbed a pen and paper.

Walking out of the room, address in hand, the door closed to a common concern for Brick.

"What if he's setting up a trap?"

"Are we going either way?" Spiritwind cut to the facts.

"Of course. We're grade five heroes and on our way to a degree in Evil. What could possibly go wrong?" It made about as much sense as anything else was doing.

Contents
Chapter Thirteen

"Well done, men." Dollop congratulated the henchmen trainees as they completed their first rounds of fitness.

"That was pretty tiring. One of the most tiring things I've ever done I think. Making me feel a bit dizzy if I'm honest, or is the world growing lighter and more, spinny......." Yakkety Yak passed out after carrying a shire horse and its cart for the last six hours while punching his way through walls and battling fast-flowing rivers filled with crocodiles and mouse traps.

Jiggery Pokery flung the minibus he'd been forced to support through the same course and headed to the recovery area, which was essentially a spacious field next to the finishing line, filled with barrels of water and several Ak-Lak-Milak stalls: a traditional henchman dish consisting of an entire cow, battered and deep fried, on a stick. Jiggery headed straight for the water and tipped a six-foot barrel over his face, whatever his mouth failed to drink served to cool his heaving muscles. Once quenched, his body gave up and fell flat on the grass to recuperate.

The unconscious silence of his new companion was as rare as it was welcomed, although it only lasted ten minutes. "Think I may have passed out there. Did you notice? Don't think I was lying down at the start of that sentence...."

Jiggery opened one eye to see Yakkety speaking between gulps of his own acquired barrel. He realised he wouldn't be able to fall back in to his semi-sleeping state and sat up, surveying the field of goliaths before him. Some were sprinting into impossible barriers, others punching steam trains and various items that had never expected to be assaulted. Was this really the life he wished to enter?

".......Juggling's good but I wouldn't do it with knives, or fire, or any animals that might turn round and bite you......."

Jiggery let the words run across him without thought before noticing Bozo lay down not twenty feet away, three empty barrels rolling by his side. A fourth dangled a pair of legs from its edge; they were presumed to be attached to the body of Schmuk. Jiggery saw an opportunity to delve for information and keep Bum-Raa happy. He stood and nudged Yakkety. "Come on. We've got a job to do."

"Jobs are fun, unless they're rubbish jobs, then they're rubbish. Guess that's why people call them rubbish jobs. What's your favourite job? I had to guard a tree once. Don't know why, or what from, or why it was in a field so far from anyone. Boss just said mind it. Had nothing to do with the filing I was supposed to be doing....."

Jiggery let his partner witter as they approached the Ak-Lak-Milak stall within easy social distance of their quarry. Securing a crispy bovine each, Bozo opened one eye to grimace towards the stream of words coming from Yakkety. Jiggery noticed the glance and engaged the beast with a question. "Ak-Lak-Milak?" The hand signals suggested he would be happy to provide one.

"That would be very kind." Bozo hadn't expected civility. He was ready to bear his teeth in the hope he wouldn't have to follow through with an actual fight. His legs were thoroughly enjoying being lay down.

"For your friend, too?" Jiggery pointed at the barrel. The thump that returned suggested yes.

"I like to eat the head first then suck out the spine." Yakkety munched his way through his endlessly escaping thoughts.

Bozo delivered the snacks, placing Schmuk's on the grass next to the barrel. A further thump offered thanks. Handing Bozo his, the pair held their fists aloft, ready to punch. It was the standard henchman handshake. The four formed a littered gathering and sat eating for a few moments before speaking. Jiggery started.

"I see they gave you the tractor to carry. You'd think they'd take the plough off the back first."

"Would have been nice, but I don't mind; makes it easier to re-trace my steps." Bozo threw humour into the conversation, not a usual henchman trait. The food and exhaustion had lowered his defences. He quickly covered it up, but noted the smile rather than judgement that Jiggery reacted with. "I'm Bozo by the way."

"Pleased to meet you, Bozo, I'm Jiggery Pokery. This is my co-henchman, Yakkety Yak."

"Grass is nice isn't it? Not as good as a bed but pretty good if it's all you've got...." Yakkety spoke to nobody in particular. Bozo looked worryingly towards Jiggery.

"It's his thing, talking a lot about nothing." Jiggery tried to explain whilst sharing a shrug that signalled he didn't understand it either.

"That's Schmuk." Bozo pointed to the already assumed legs. They were busy devouring lunch in the dark. "I'm not sure if eating in the dark counts as a thing, but he does it a lot." The cynical tone raised itself once more. Jiggery smirked before commenting on the course, and introducing the verbal bait for the information Bum sought.

"It's good to finally get a run-out. This is the bit I was looking forward to, that and punching things. Can't say I'm enjoying having to learn how to deal with a boss though. Don't know why they can't leave us out of their dramatics and just tell us when something needs hitting."

"I would tut and say you should try having two of them, but we've not had any drama from them. If anything, they apologise for bothering us with questions and stuff." Bozo bit, but with an air of suspicion.

"Oh, are you with the megalomania pair? I remember them from the induction. Think everybody does." Jiggery pushed a slither of escaping batter back towards his mouth. "So, they don't tell you off or threaten you with stares and promises of impractical tortures?"

"Not in the slightest. One constantly bickers with the world while the other's always snacking. They don't seem that interested in us or the course. Treat us more like friends than hired muscle. To be honest, I think we know more about Evil than they do." Bozo's tiredness allowed his mouth to continue to run free. He shackled it as he realised he may be saying too much. He hid in reciprocation. "So, what's your guy like?"

"Oh, he's an old friend. I'm not sure he's got what it takes, but I said I'll stick it out for a while. Want to be a builder really. Can always go back to that if needs be."

"It'd be good to sleep on a cloud, but waking up'd be a pain. Could have floated off anywhere in the night....." Yakkety continued in his own conversation as Schmuk wiggled from his barrel, covered in batter.

"So are you actually friends, if they treat you like that? I mean, have you known each other for a long time, married to a cousin or anything?"

"No; met at the bus station on the way here. They offered us a lift, or so they say. Things got a little out of hand on the drinks front. All I know is we woke up on their ship a dringle before we had to register. Think they're just naturally nice guys, which makes it even odder that they've ended up here."

"Evening. Is it evening?" Schmuk joined the chatting pair. Everyone repeated the henchman welcome of raised fists.

Jiggery was genuinely taken aback by what Bozo told him, and slightly envious. "Sounds like you've struck lucky. It's all a bit cliché if you ask me, the way we're spoken to; must be nice to just talk to each other."

"It is nice, but it may not be such a good thing when you get extra marks for clichés." Left with just the stick from his snack, Bozo lay back to rest further. Jiggery let his mind daydream. "Who knows, maybe they'll bring down the whole system of clichés and herald a new dawn of Evil for us all." Jiggery equally lay back with a snort and a laugh, Bozo shared a chuckle; Schmuk joined in as it seemed the thing to do.

"Bees are nice aren't they? Except when they sting....." Yakkety followed his own line of thought.

"The universe is a funny place, but I don't see how two bumbling, wannabe overlords are going to change the entire ethos of Evil during a megalomaniac course at a non-descript University in the middle of nowhere." Bozo closed his eyes to signal his final, smirking word as everyone twitched in merry, cynical agreement.

The Universe held in a mischievous giggle. Its occupants really didn't understand the first thing about how it worked, although it was pleased to be thought of as funny.

Contents
Chapter Fourteen

Brick and Spiritwind did the only thing they knew to do with free time and headed for a bit of telly and a rest before having to meet Spon. Walking into their rooms, Brick headed straight for his bed, Spiritwind opted for the fridge. Neither noticed the two perfect sculptures of living lady hood stood under the air vent.

"I think someone's been in here and added some extra comfort to this bed, or fluffed the duvet at least."

"Well they've definitely re-stocked the fridge. I'd nearly emptied this, this morning."

"Evil isn't that bad after all." Brick stretched every limb.

"Hope you're not thinking of fully turning." Nicole stepped forward in a manner most men would pay to see.

Spiritwind turned round with a leg of chicken in his mouth. He'd failed the good first impression test, again. Brick lifted his head from the pillow. He knew the voice would be attached to somebody beautiful, but just how beautiful he couldn't have imagined, and he had a great imagination.

"Howdo." Spiritwind didn't know what else to say. He realised he didn't stand a chance, even more so after the chicken incident, and so reverted to type.

"Lovely." It was the only word Brick could manage.

"It's okay, we know who you are. You can relax." Nicole took up one of the armchairs. Suzy sat on the end of the unoccupied bed.

"Of course you do. It says our names on the door." Spiritwind wasn't going to give up everything so easily.

"Not your disguise names, your real names."

"Oh." Spiritwind remained non-committal, but on the lookout for cooked meats.

"Would you like to know who you are?"

"I already know who I am." Spiritwind wondered if anyone else was growing ever more confused.

"I'd just like to hear you use words again." Brick had nothing to offer the conversation.

"Yes, but would you like us to prove we know who you are?"

"Everyone knows who we are. Our name's are on the door." Suzy twitched in frustration at Spiritwind's confusion.

"Okay." Nicole had never pulled teeth but she was beginning to get a feel for what it must be like. "You are Brick Wall and Spiritwind Capernicus Jones, grade five heroes and saviours of the universe. We are guessing you're here on an undercover mission to infiltrate Evil and do something fiendishly clever about it."

"So why are you here?" Spiritwind turned the questioning seamlessly whilst admitting to nothing.

"We are here to capture our out of date, grade one nemesis. We've recently been upgraded to level three and need a new assailant. Turns out our old one is the Chancellor here."

"Now ladies, consider that lesson free." Brick had stirred from his beauty coma and found more than adoration to comment on, shuffling to the end of the bed as he did so. "You've just laid out your entire plan to us, and for all you know we could actually be Evil students. Then where would you be?"

"Fine. As grade three heroes there's nothing a pair of students could do against us. You'd be tied up in a closet before you could raise the alarm."

"Oh." Brick wondered if it was worth lying just so he could experience that. He decided against it. "Well how do we know you two aren't Evil and are trying to lure a confession from us, which we've still admitted nothing to."

"Would Evil look like this?"

"Good point. You look beautiful in the way I want to absorb your wonder and name a flower after you. Evil beauty makes you want to purse your lips and run to a cheap hotel."

"And hot Evil always works alone." Spiritwind joined in.

"And has a suggestive glint in their eye for the hero. I'm not sensing a suggestive glint in either of your eyes."

"We could just show you our hero cards." Nicole had an easier way to solve the problem.

"You could." Brick tried to look contemplative. It was difficult with a gurning face on the verge of dribble.

Nicole whipped out a card, Suzy did too. They were handed to Brick and Spiritwind.

The pair formed a mini hero huddle, murmured, held the cards up to the light, stroked their beards then admitted to each other they didn't have the first idea what a grade three hero card should look like. They handed them back, believing the ladies wouldn't present them unless they were genuine.

"Drink?" It was all Brick had left. He didn't wait for an answer and proceeded to pour four Gentle Cycles: they offered the sensation of hot chocolate in place of bones, gently circulating and tricking the mind in to thinking everything was slightly to the left of where it usually is.

"Why not? So, we just thought we'd let you know we're around. In case you wanted any help on your mission?" Nicole rocked on her heels, unsure what to say next. She'd expected more input from the superior ranked warriors.

"Of course, our mission; we could make a great team." Brick turned to deliver the drinks; he'd already treated himself to a swig of his own concoction.

"So what do you need us to do?" Nicole tried to snuggle her way further into the plan, accepting the drink as she did.

"Well the specifics of our plan are still at an early stage......" Spiritwind began explaining.

"You're winging it?" Suzy interpreted perfectly, her twitches retreating to nothing more than an occasional shimmer, yet her tone still dismissive.

"Why does everyone always say that?" Brick continued to pass the drinks around.

"Is it because you always wing it?" Suzy chased the truth, and used her stare to suggest she may punch Brick if he didn't give it up.

"There's a fine line between winging it and allowing the facts to evolve themselves." Brick was impressed at his own verbal fluff. He wasn't as impressed at his effort to sit down. Misjudging the bounce of the mattress he spilt his drink down his T-shirt.

Nicole and Suzy toasted the air and downed their drinks in one. Brick and Spiritwind shared a look of instant love. As the impact of the beverage took hold, the female pair of perfection only had one shared thought. "Actually, we should leave. It's dangerous for us to be here. And we have training to do." Nicole always referred to a bubble bath as training. The possible combination of comfort the drink evoked and being immersed in warm water was too much to resist.

"Going already? I thought we were just starting to get on." Brick stood up too fast and spilt his drink again.

"We'll have time. Don't forget, we're always watching." Suzy back flipped into the air vent.

"Not always I hope. Sometimes I don't want people to see some of the stuff I do. Even I don't want to see a lot of it." Brick felt instant concern, and a little bit of self disgust.

"Think of it more as a metaphor." Nicole squinted and leapt into the shaft, replacing the grill as she did.

"Try not to think about the structurally sound nature of the pipes you're crawling through." Spiritwind tried to sound like he had a clue.

"Rule 56, subsection 3 that one, friend." The eyes disappeared from the grill and left the duo alone once more.

"So which one do you think fancied me the most?"

"We can still hear you." A voice echoed into the room.

Brick mouthed a silent response. "Probably that one."

Spiritwind shook his head at his friend, a man covered in his own drink and a grinning, gormless ignorance that needed to be slapped.

It was another twist in an already overcrowded spiral.

Contents
Chapter Fifteen

Bum-Raa stormed down the corridor towards his room, smashing the easily breakable furniture the university provided. They knew the types they were dealing with and how they loved to vent their rage on inanimate objects. He couldn't believe Dag and Corsetry had been invited for a private chat with Spon. Even if they were in trouble, they were still getting the attention he craved.

He'd spent the last few hours in the kick-a-pigeon room, trying to release his fury. The constant misses and smug head bobbing of his untouched prey had only increased his rage.

The potential tyrant passed straight through his room and in to Jiggery and Yakkety's. He hoped, for the future of their eyelids, they had some information on the hapless duo.

"Oh I see; sleeping while I'm trying to secure all that is. Well that's just marvellous." Bum entered to find the two dozing on their beds. Both sat upright in confused response.

"Was I sleeping? I didn't even realise." Yakkety was first to use words.

"Uh." Jiggery had little else.

"At least do no not disappoint me further by saying you've discovered nothing about this wretched pair of..........nitwits." Bum took a seat on a wooden chair in the corner, tapping his knee in annoyance.

"Erm, we....."

"It's funny what can happen when you shut your eyes for the briefest time isn't it. I might have to stop blinking." Yakkety's waffle gave Jiggery time to get his thoughts arranged.

"We did. We spoke to their henchmen, Bozo and Schmuk. They said they've only just met them themselves, on the way here. Don't know much about them or where they came from. Seem like a nice pair of guys though."

"How does that help me?" Bum was going to have a problem whatever he was told. It was his job.

Jiggery rubbed his face in the hope it would stop feeling numb. "They also said they don't behave in the way you'd expect overlords to. Don't seem that interested in taking anything over, quite friendly too." Jiggery smiled in the hope the sentiment may rub off on his boss. It didn't. "More curious than angry. Reckon they're either some revolutionary new form of bad guy or just rubbish. Hard to tell."

Bum-Raa fell back into the chair. "That's it? What do you suggest I do with such vague information?"

"Hope they're rubbish?" It was the most sensible thing anyone had heard Yakkety say.

Bum stood and flicked his cloak. "Rubbish or not I shall vanquish these chancers, for I am Bum-Raa, lord of all that is, one day." Bum-Raa left the room with a flourish and a struggle with the door handle.

"He's getting worse." Jiggery lay back down.

"I had an uncle that got worse once." Yakkety equally adopted a horizontal posture.

"What happened?"

"I just told you, he got worse."

There was little to say to such a sentence, and so the pair fell back into a recuperating doze. The sound of a corridor being smashed up echoed through their quarters. Bum-Raa didn't take kindly to be upstaged by idiots.

***********

Brick and Spiritwind were continuing to fill the time that had to pass before going to Spon's house. Having dozed and snacked, then snacked and dozed, they moved on to playing tissue cup, a game they had recently invented. It involved throwing a tissue into a cup.

"Tissue in cup wins." Spiritwind wouldn't be moved on the rules Brick continually tried to change to ensure he was the victor.

"That's a very narrow minded view to take. Surely a tissue under the cup should receive bonus points, if not outright victory?" Brick's tissue had somehow gone under the porcelain pot.

"I agree, if the point of the game had been to do so, but surely any sport rewards the achievement of intention, and as the intention is to get the tissues in the cup I must decline your argument." Spiritwind floated another missile into the target.

"With such a stringent approach where is the opportunity for expression and flair?"

"We're blowing tissues into cups. Any attempt at flair may see me hyperventilate."

There was no chance for Brick to reply as a knocking interrupted the discussion. It came from the door that offered a partition between them and their henchmen. Brick stood up to answer it. He needed the thinking time to try and ensure he won the argument, if not the game.

"Hey, it's Bozo and Schmuk." Brick remained non-committal over which was which.

"I hope you don't mind our intrusion?" Bozo knew that some henchmen would have their knee-caps put on backwards for encroaching on a boss's space, but felt confident Brick and Spiritwind would react with understanding, although he didn't expect the next question.

"Not at all, always good to have company. Now, tell me, if you were playing a game that involved firing tissues into a cup and one player managed to fire a tissue under the cup, would you say that was worth a bonus point, or even instant victory?"

"Is this a trick?" Bozo knew they could be up to anything, and within their rights to punish any response.

"How can we help?" Spiritwind took over the henchman management.

"Erm, we thought you should know that some of the other henchmen have taken an interest in you; been asking us questions."

"Like the kind of Evil we're threatening to unleash, do they?" Brick instantly saw it as a compliment.

"How many of them?" Spiritwind had a slightly more focused riposte.

"Just two, they work for Bum-Raa." Bozo awaited anything from a skewer through the eye to a lollipop in his hand.

"Which one's Bum-Raa?" Spiritwind turned to his equally bewildered friend.

"Not sure; the one with an Octopus on his shoulder?"

"Erm, if I may suggest. You could ask the computer to show you." Bozo felt safe violence was not going to be forthcoming, not yet anyway.

"Computer?" Brick had no idea.

"Yes Dag. How may I assist?" Fortunately the computer had a full idea, and a face that appeared on the wall. It looked like a friendly deer.

"Look at that. We have a computer. Am I Dag?" Brick had to check for a third time.

"I think so."

"Good. Erm, Computer, who is Bum-Raa?" Bozo and Schmuk lost all sense of physical repercussions and grew more and more interested in the dotty pair.

The deer changed into a rotating image of Bum-Raa and spoke whilst highlighting various parts of the fellow student. "Bum-Raa: megalomaniac pupil at Evil University, hails from the planet HaHA. Henchmen: Jiggery Pokery and Yakkety Yak. Interesting quirk: concrete facial hair to match his henchman's concrete mane. One arm replaced by a multi-tool implement......."

"Oh him. He keeps sitting behind us, getting angry at nothing." Brick's recognition kicked in.

"Perhaps it's frustration at being stuck with one style of beard. No flexibility."

"He must be jealous of our fine facial exploits." Brick and Spiritwind rubbed their fresh beards proudly. Brick noticed Bozo and Schmuk still standing there, unsure what to do. "So, do you think he's going to try something?"

"I don't know." Bozo hadn't expected to be asked for further input. He presumed his part of the process was complete. "Can never tell with these overlord types." He momentarily forgot who he was talking to. Luckily so did Brick.

"I know what you mean." A moment of realisation struck. "Being one, of course. That's why I know, we know. Us." Brick wiggled his finger between him and Spiritwind. "Okay then. Well if that's all we'll digest what you've told us and work out something fiendish."

"Did we do the right thing?" Bozo was trying to learn too.

"Excellent work. If we had gold stars, you'd both get two." Without a scoring system such reward meant nothing.

Brick ushered Bozo and Schmuk back through the door. The beasts wandered into their room, perplexed but happy to have had such a genial chat without ending up stuffed in a post-box for a month. As the door shut, Brick turned.

"I think I've worked out a compromise concerning these tissues and cups."

"Does the compromise lead to you winning?" Spiritwind knew all about Brick's compromises.

"It may do, and I accept such burdens of fairness."

"Then that's not a compromise is it? That's just you working out a way of winning that makes me feel better about it."

"I think we need to delve further into the concept of compromise before we answer that..........."

There was every chance they would be late for Spon.

Contents
Chapter Sixteen

"No recollection at all?"

"Nope. I remember some of these others milling around the HQ. Me and Sandbag ran into them, and were about to unleash a beating when the peace-spell Hugo was under, broke. After that his master plan kicked into action and Evil was defeated to the echoes of his belly laugh. Never saw those two though. Could have been prisoners he released and invited along to share the spoils. I hear he's good like that." Dollop took his imposing finger off the faces of Brick and Spiritwind and handed the copy of Hero Monthly back to Spon Dooliks.

"Or they could be covering their tracks expertly, operating under radars that are yet to exist?" Spon offered a tentative, counter explanation.

"Possibly, although in my experience you wouldn't have to be that secretive to fool Evil." Spon turned with a look of proud bonding at Dollop's cynicism. Dollop saw the glance and worried he may be in trouble. "But what do my ideas count for? Nothing really." Dollop didn't want to get sacked so soon. The University made some of the best Ak-Lak-Milak he'd tasted in aeons.

Spon had invited Dollop to his house under the guise of welcoming a new faculty member. In reality he wished to grill him about Brick and Spiritwind. He also felt a kindred spirit in the ex-henchman and wished to involve him further in his plan to change the philosophy of Evil. The beast's latest commentary only helped confirm Spon's instincts.

Having interviewed the henchman, Spon felt Dollop's well-oiled answers revealed a mind that understood the game and played along, but would change the approach entirely, given the chance. It was the main reason he'd offered the monster the position, that and the fact he broke the punching machine. It was going to take three weeks to get the required part to fix it, and they needed somebody to start straight away.

"The thing is, Dollop, I've been asked to scout out potential figureheads for the university......" The Vice Chancellor paused. He was taking a risk in revealing his personal philosophy, but trusted his instincts."......but I've always believed we could learn from Good in how they approach our endless battle." Spon watched warily for Dollop's reaction to such an idea. The increase in attentiveness suggested his instincts were correct. Either that or Dollop had coincidentally timed wind. He continued, all the time monitoring the beast's body language. "They don't leave themselves open to the obvious flaws Evil insists on, or the incompetence at in-opportune moments that collapses our plans." Convinced that Dollop agreed with the sentiment, Spon divulged further. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Of course."

"There are two current students with the same genetic make-up as the heroes we just spoke of, but their morality points firmly in the direction of Evil. I've invited them here for a simple test of their ability." A knock arrived at the perfect moment. "That'll be them. You see, they even have hero timing."

Spon almost skipped to the door, opening it and ushering the duo into the living room. Dollop stood to welcome the guests. Brick took a step back as he saw the mountain of threat.

"Is he the test, because I haven't brought me battle pants?" Brick got his excuse in early.

"No, no, no. I wouldn't be so crude. This is Dollop, ex-henchman and current trainer at the University. I introduced him at the induction. He worked with Insidious Chi on the universal takeover your Good counterparts thwarted, although Dollop believes they may have been prisoners rescued by Hugo as he single-handedly saved the universe."

"Oh that good old Hugo, eh." The room shared a jovial grimace at Brick's flippant outrage.

"So what is this test?" Spiritwind thought it best to stick to the present before his friend joked them in to real trouble. "You mentioned something about a garden?"

"It's a simple little thing really. Follow me." Spon walked the whole party towards the patio window at the rear of the room. It looked out across his sunken land. A factor which exposed next door's equally ample greenery.

"What a lovely space." Brick had to say something.

"It is, but I want more. I want his garden too." Spon pointed across to his desire.

"Okay. Let's go and have a look then." Brick took the blasé approach, then opened the wrong door and walked straight into the downstairs toilet. "Everything's secure in there; so, the back garden?" Nobody bought his efforts to pass off his error as Spon led the way.

After much strolling, poking, stroking of the chin, and forgetting twice why they were there, Brick posed a few questions, whipping out a notepad and pen for extra effect. Spon whispered towards Dollop. 'You'd never see Evil taking notes, unless it was an inconsequential scientist with a clipboard standing next to an elaborate looking piece of machinery'.

"What does your neighbour do?" Brick had no intention of writing anything to do with the task in hand and began making a list of possible reasons girls repeatedly refused to kiss him. He was struggling to find any.

"Erm, he's a lifeguard at the local pool, I think."

"Oh really." This meant nothing. "And his name?"

"Ginjiv-Itis."

"Like the teeth thing, unfortunate. Okay. I think we have enough to go on." Brick scribbled something down furiously. He decided to make a list of reasons girls should want to kiss him, instead. "Do you have a hose?"

"Yes." Spon pointed from his stunned frame towards an errant pipe.

"Excellent. Dollop, I may need your strength." Dollop followed hypnotically as the Earthling strolled towards the fence and the nozzle of the watering tool. "Could you force the end of this hose underground and about six feet into Ginjiv's garden, preferably pointing up but not breaking the surface?"

"I can give it a go." Dollop picked up the hose and rammed it through the soil. A few minutes of shoving and shimmering from the monster and he felt pleased he'd achieved what was asked. Brick hung on to the top of the fence as he did so, his eyes peering over.

"Could we turn the hose on?" Brick sent further instructions. Spon complied and wandered over to a tap, turning it before semi-skipping back to the gathering.

After a few minutes, Spon broke the silence. "So when do you think your plan will be ready?"

Brick released his grip on the wooden barrier and landed, rubbing his hands in joy. "It's done. Would you like us to collect your garden for you now?" Spon was bemused. Spiritwind had given up reacting to Brick a long time ago. It didn't seem to affect anything so he'd stuck with accepted ambivalence ever since.

"Erm, yes." Spon didn't know what else to say. He looked at Dollop. He equally had nothing.

"I'm presuming you can sound intimidating over the phone?" The question was aimed at Dollop as Brick finally wrote something down relating to the mission in hand. Dollop nodded, and vaguely snarled.

"Myself and Corsetry are going to pay Mr Itis a quick visit. A short while after your phone will ring. I need you to answer with this." Brick handed over the quickly scribbled note. "Not much longer after that, Ginjiv should knock on with the deeds to his garden. Come on Corsetry."

Brick and Spiritwind walked away. Dollop looked at the note. It made no sense, although nothing did at that moment in time.

"Do you know what you're doing?" Spiritwind thought it best to check.

"I know what I want to do. It's up to these fabled hero powers to do the rest."

"So we're finally using them for more than pretending the pub is an adventure in order to evoke their pulling power?"

"The pub is always an adventure. Look at where it's led us to this time."

"Fair point; although we still haven't pulled."

"Not yet, but never forget my friend; the patient man always wins." Brick lifted his finger in the air and followed it with purpose, straight through Spon's living room and out towards destiny.

***********

Ginjiv-Itis opened his door to find two men in suits with scruffy beards and an eye patch each. Both were carrying a briefcase and a business-like attitude. They were quickly inspecting their disguises, pleased their hero powers had provided them yet no nearer understanding how. Brick fell into character.

"Bad day to you" Brick checked his clipboard ".......Mr Itis. We're from the Evil Institute of Dastardly Research. May we come in?"

"If you have ID. Do you have ID?" Ginjiv didn't live on a planet full of evil without picking up some wariness. He wasn't a big man, no taller than six feet, but he was well set and promised a fight if you wanted one. His teeth entirely lived up to his name.

"Let's find out." Both men reached inside their suits and pulled out a wallet. Flicking it open they found perfectly crafted ID's from the Research Centre, bearing their names and a terrible picture.

"Okay then. What's this about?" Ginjiv was convinced.

"May we see your back garden?" Brick had already started walking. By the time Ginjiv and Spiritwind had caught up, the floppy haired hero was leaving the downstairs toilet. "Everything seems secure in there. This way is it?" Ginjiv took over directing and led the way outside.

Once in the garden, Brick reached into his briefcase and pulled out a box with various dials and a flashing light on it.

"Suits I can just about handle, but where did that come from?" Spiritwind was more and more impressed.

"I could ask the same about that fajita." Brick pointed to Spiritwind's latest snack.

"Fair point, carry on."

Brick began wafting the box around the garden, all the time wandering towards a quickly forming puddle. As he reached it, the box lit up and beeped. "Here it is."

"Here's what? What's happened to my lawn?" Ginjiv was not impressed, or certain of what was going on.

"This is a natural spring of Evil, Mr Itis. You are a lucky, lucky man. We've been tracking this for years awaiting its emergence. If you could just sign here we can begin." Brick whipped out an enormous contract.

"Begin? Begin what?"

"Mr Itis, this is a site of monumental worth to the Evil world. We have to study it, mine it; create one of the great attractions of the Evil lands."

"So what's this?" He wiggled the contract.

"As the landowner you have to take on responsibility for the upkeep of such. With all these future visitors there are Health and Safety guidelines to work through, insurance to pay, Evil tax to be levied from you."

"I don't want all this."

"Nobody wants Evil, Mr Itis. You just have to be thankful you've been chosen." Spiritwind stood behind on his phone, pretending to be organising things.

"Well, hold on, I." A thought flashed into Ginjiv's mind. "What if I wasn't the landowner?"

"Are you saying you're not?"

"I'm saying maybe I don't want to be."

"It's very simple, Mr Itis. Whoever signs that paper owns this land and all the associated palaver that will come with it."

"That is simple." Ginjiv half closed one eye in sinister thought.

"Look. We have several cranes to order and press releases to make. You have until 9am to get the signature of the landowner and return the contract to us. Ring this number if there's a problem, but we don't expect there will be a problem, will there Mr Itis." Brick spoke in a threatening tone he only just realised he had. Maybe he was learning something at university after all.

Brick and Spiritwind swapped made up signals and left. Ginjiv was flustered, but not too flustered to at least check the number he'd been left with. After a few minutes posturing in bewilderment, he ran inside his house and dialled.

"Bad evening, Ginjiv-Itis. Your contract remains unsigned and undelivered. Please be aware the clock is ticking. Do not incur the penalties the Evil Institute pays out for tardy paperwork. You won't like it, but we will." The phone went dead. Ginjiv relinquished the fluster he'd been holding back and approached a full on flap.

"Who was that?" Spon turned to Dollop in the midst of providing a cup of tea. The ex-henchman had just got off the phone after reading out Brick's hasty note.

"I think it was your next door neighbour."

"What did he want?"

"I didn't ask. He whimpered something though."

They didn't have time to go further into the discussion as a panicked knock reverberated through the front door. Spon answered, Dollop stood behind, just in case.

"Mr Dooliks. Hi, I'm from next door. You've always admired my garden haven't you?"

"Yes, it's lo..."

"It's yours."

"What?"

"It's yours. I hate it. I just found out I'm allergic to the outdoors. I shouldn't even be out here now but what the hey. Do you want it?"

"Well, I...." Spon didn't know what to say.

"Just sign here and it's yours. I'll even pay you. Here." Ginjiv rifled through his pockets and gave Spon all his spare change.

"Of course. Do you have..."

A biro was thrust beneath Spon's nose. The Vice Chancellor took it and signed, releasing a sighed laugh from Ginjiv. "Enjoy the garden, and the small print. Make sure you return it to the Evil Institute by 9am." Mr Itis skipped down Spon's path and back home. Spon looked up to see Brick and Spiritwind sat on the wall across the road, back in their everyday clothing. They waved and offered a knowing nod before strolling away. Spon gave a hypnotised and slow motion wave in return before shutting the door.

"A full Dangsang (ten years) I've been trying to take over that garden and they do it in moments."

"Perhaps you'd better have a word with Dip Sing tomorrow. Tell him you may have found his future." Dollop spoke without facial expression. All his muscles were stunned into sitting still.

"I think we may have found all our futures." Spon headed into the living room for a glass of something more potent than tea while Brick and Spiritwind meandered back to the university, hoping to pass a disco and fried chicken outlet on the way. After all, it was the only reason they ever left Earth.

Contents
Chapter Seventeen

"Those two!"

"Yes."

"But they're idiots." Dip Sing had not taken the news of who Spon wished to turn in to the university's figureheads, well.

"I agree they do give off that impression, but somehow it works. They have a philosophy on Evil more akin to heroics, and we all know how successful they are." Spon held back on the news of their Good twins for now. He didn't want Dip to eat too much furniture in anger. They'd already spent the spring stationary allowance after Doolally's car insurance renewal came through.

"But they're idiots!"

"Yes. We've been through this point." Spon brought forth his example. "Do you remember my garden problem?"

"Garden?"

"I've spoken to you about it before. I've been trying to take-over my neighbour's garden ever since I moved in, couldn't even steal half a foot."

"Is the university liable for this at all?" Dip picked up his keyboard and prepared to chew.

"No." He put it back on the desk. "My point is I invited Dag and Corsetry over last night to see if they had any ideas that could help me out."

"Really? A party eh. Without me?"

"Party? No sir, nothing like that. The thing is, after being at my house for no longer than a drahaa they popped round to see my neighbour. Lo and behold if half a drahaa later he knocked on and paid me to take his garden from him, had a contract ready for me to sign."

"A contract, that is impressive?" Dip ate the keyboard anyway. It looked tasty.

"Exactly sir, which is why we shouldn't pass up this opportunity to claim the glory of the path they are destined for."

"I see what you are saying Spon, but we cannot hold them up as an example of what our institution stands for. I won't have it. They look silly. And that big one, I just want to punch him." Dip swallowed a biro and three packets of staples. The keyboard had whetted his appetite.

Spon looked dejectedly out of the window. It was exactly this self interested, short sightedness that constantly brought Evil down.

Dip broke the silence with a suggestion towards a compromise. Perhaps Dag and Corsetry were already beginning to have an effect on the ways of doom.

"Unless." The Chancellor stood. It felt like the next line needed it, that and the stroke of a chin and a faraway gaze. "Unless we can herald them posthumously?"

"We could, but what would we herald? Gaining a degree from our university just isn't that groundbreaking."

"Which is why you need to find something else, something that will spread across the ether, tickling interest in those who are yet to decide which path they wish to follow; we must entice the dithering, the unsure, anyone who thinks black, spiky outfits are cooler than figure hugging lycra."

"What could achieve such interest?" Spon watched as his attempts to change Evil for the better were usurped by an uplifting speech devoid of substance and detail.

"That is not a question to concern me, Dooliks. You're the head of strategy. Strategise. Concoct something that will make them famous, but leave them missing so we can build their reputations in their absence."

"Couldn't be simpler. I'll get right on it." Spon agreed with a sarcastic swipe and smile. Adding such complexity to something that could be so straightforward was exactly what he was working against. The Vice Chancellor turned to leave.

"And try and incorporate a shark beneath a trap door if you can." Dip spun on his chair, pressing his fingers together and cackling at his perceived brilliance.

"Why not!" 'Clichés never helped anyone.' Thought Spon. 'Unless you were a contestant on What Country Am I From and were faced with a beret wearing, stripy topped, onion salesman on a bike.'

With Spon gone, Dip continued to think. Could he really trust Spon to rid the universe of Dag and Corsetry once they had achieved whatever it was they would achieve? Spon appeared to have taken a genuine liking to the pair, and this shift in philosophy meant a great deal to him. In a university that promoted Evil, it wouldn't be the greatest shock if the Vice Chancellor used the duo's perceived powers to remove the current Chancellor and seize control of the institution. In fact, it was almost expected.

Dip felt it was only sensible to ensure Dag and Corsetry definitely disappeared from existence. He decided to arrange his own mission away from Spon's knowledge, but who could he get to carry out his orders? He needed someone with an equal vitriol towards the pair, someone who believed they would benefit from the Earthling's demise, someone who would do anything to earn favour in the eyes of the Chancellor.

It was the c.v. of practically every student on the megalomaniac course.

Contents
Chapter Eighteen

"Is it early?" Brick stood, half dressed, scratching his beard and trying to work out if his desire to go back to bed was justified.

"It looks dark out, but I think that's more due to the sinister air they insist on. Mousse?" Spiritwind offered the last scoop of the bowl of dessert he was using a breakfast.

"Oh no, just a pint of water for me."

Spiritwind finished his snack and wandered towards the bathroom to finish his daily cleansing routine. Brick continued to scratch his beard. He'd read somewhere that the follicles of chin hair were directly connected to the brain, and that caressing and waggling them shook the thought muscles in to action. At least he was sure he'd read it. Maybe he was spending too much time with They.

The klaxon to signal the first day of full training had long since sounded. The eager door of Bozo and Schmuk had slammed open and shut mere moments after it had finished. The thudding of wood on wood had served as an alarm for the heroic duo to wake up.

"Do we really have to go and study Evil for two weeks?" It was all Brick's beard had managed to stir from his mind.

"No." The air vent spoke with the voice of implied beauty.

"I don't know how you spoke like that buddy but please don't do it when I'm drunk and we're in the dark. I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship with complications of love."

Spiritwind could only look up from the bathroom sink, toothbrush blocking all speech.

"Use a montage." The air vent spoke again. Brick wandered over to it.

"Do we get our very own inanimate object that speaks untold wisdom, like that lady with the mirror? If so, why aren't you something more accessible? Oh, and what are you doing later?"

"It's me, Nicole."

"And Suzy."

"Yes, and Suzy. We told you we'd be around."

"Have you been there all night, because I'd just like to point out that I don't always...."

"Your habits are your habits Brick. We're not here to judge." Nicole almost tittered.

"How is 'montage', advice?" Brick turned the subject away from his sleeping behaviour.

"Use a hero montage if you can't be bothered to go and study."

"How would we do that?" Spiritwind had finished brushing his teeth and joined in talking to the slats on the wall.

"You take this idiot thing all the way don't you? Such professionals." Nicole continued to be mistakenly impressed. "Usually it can be inspired by a tune on the radio or a wistful moment looking out to the horizon. Your mind will meander away to a trance like state, only living through pockets of scenes spanning the time you need to speed up. There'll be serious late night study moments interspersed with joyful tomfoolery, all relaxing its way back down to a scene demonstrating the end of a process."

"So you're saying if we put the radio on and find a relevant tune, time will pass quickly and we'll have gained all the knowledge we need?" Spiritwind had to be sure. Brick was already trying to work out how to put the wireless on.

"80's power ballads seem to work best." The vent threw further advice as Brick cycled through the channels.

Finding the beginning of a wholesome sounding piano tune, with a wisp of guitar, the pair nodded to each other, picked up their bags, and strolled purposefully towards the door, waving thanks towards the vent as they went. The music took over as the scene faded, quickly followed by another, twenty minutes in the future.

Brick and Spiritwind were sat at their desk in the megalomaniac lab, fully clothed and prepared for the day, the same music still echoing around the scene. The room was full and a teacher spoke while pointing at a board at the front. No words came out of his mouth, wherever his mouth may have been, but the room looked on intently, laughing in unison at a seemingly witty remark.

"How did we get here?" Brick whispered to Spiritwind. "And who dressed us?"

"No idea. I didn't think we were even in the corridor yet."

"I don't think we're staying here long. Is everything fading? Feels as though we're in two scenes at once?"

"Either that or my left and right eye, are fighting again........"

Brick found himself stood with a stick in his hand. A little old lady was within reach. The class were goading him to poke her, led by Bum-Raa. Brick wasn't sure about it and closed his eyes in the hope the montage would move on before he had to act on the mockery.

Opening one eye, Brick was treated to a scene of Bozo and Schmuk sharing a bag of roast giraffe necks with Jiggery and Yakkety. As the owners of the montage, Brick and Spiritwind could still see it being played out. Pleased he was no longer poking an old woman, Brick spoke. "That's nice. Good to see they're making friends."

Morphing into a scene inside a classroom, the assumed teacher at the front was holding his belly and cackling to the sky, again the sound replaced with the uplifting tune. The class of overlords copied, growing with confidence with each try. Bum-Raa's laugh was more of a scowl, aimed directly at Brick and Spiritwind. "I'm getting the feeling he doesn't like us." Brick continued to comment as an observer.

"It's a room filled with evil beings that want to work alone in taking over the universe. I don't think we get extra points for friends acquired." Spiritwind rebutted the commentary.

They weren't the only ones to notice. Dip Sing stood in the corner. His intrigue over Bum-Raa's dislike was accentuated with a lingering shot upon his thoughtful face.

The focus shifted up to an air vent, effortlessly sliding through the wall and inside the piping behind. Nicole and Suzy were busy observing all the observing, making notes concerning Dip. Brick hoped a shower scene would appear at some point.

The scene changed completely once more. The class were lined up on an ocean liner at sea, firing puppies from catapults out into the yonder. Bum-Raa could be seen fiddling with Brick and Spiritwind's flinging machine, only to be caught up in the mechanism and hurled out to sea himself. It was a welcome relief as everyone laughed. The dragon that was teaching the class flew off to retrieve him. Bum cursed the pair as he passed through the sky. Again, Dip could be seen in the background, paying attention to the obvious spat.

With everything changing, and the overlaying song reaching its chorus, Hugo Cortizone appeared amidst battle. He held a damsel in one arm while fighting off a two headed dog and its rider with nothing more than an envelope he'd come across.

"Nice of him to pop by and get involved in another of our adventures. Wonder how he'll steal the glory this time?" Spiritwind had to ask.

"Maybe he just owns the rights to all hero montages? Have to include at least one scene of him being great?" Brick put forward a scathing corporate theory.

"No. Something tells me he's going to show up at some point." Spiritwind relied on his intuition and a thoughtful stare.

A quick shot of the pair sat at a sewing machine, trying to untangle Brick's hair, merged into one of the duo playing dogfights with models of ships, under the disapproving watch of Tumbleweed Placebo; a walrus type figure you would never wish to annoy. Before the rebuke could be delivered they were sat in a library, looking longingly out of the window as their posture and position in the room changed with the suggestion of many days passing. The occasional burst of violence gave them something else to watch as students threw each other through the bookshelves.

Amidst a particular scuffle, the page of an encyclopaedia fell open to reveal a torture scenario. The view zoomed in and turned it to reality as the students stood around a table. Strapped to it was a hero doll, a giant laser pointing directly at it. Eleven Thirty lifted the doll's arm to show a concealed lock pick, then left it there and offered a goodbye speech, a cackle, and a slow, lingering exit with a further laugh.

The scene cut once more to find Spon sat at his desk at home, looking out at his new garden in the rain. He pondered on his problem, turning to his desk to see the copy of Hero Monthly staring back. He looked intently, clues trickling towards answers across his face. An expression of 'of course' grew into a grin as he sat back in his chair and smiled at the weight leaving his shoulders. He mouthed the name Hugo Cortizone, although Brick and Spiritwind failed to pick it up cleanly.

As the song slowed, an image of the class leaving a lecture squeezed in. Dip stood at the front before ushering Bum-Raa towards him. They disappeared towards his office as Brick and Spiritwind found themselves back in their own room. The music fading completely as the pair sat down.

"Has the music stopped or have I started to block it out?" Brick asked from the comfort of his bed.

"I think it has. I think that may be the montage over with. I didn't like the look of that last scene. Dip is definitely up to something with Bum-Braa." Spiritwind whipped out an 'end of montage' curly wurly, pleased at his new pun based nick name for their peer.

"At least Bozo and Schmuk have made friends." Brick continued to see only the positive.

"Looks like Spon's up to something too. It's all getting very intriguing this evil lark isn't it?"

Spiritwind was speaking to himself as only a snore travelled back to him. "Just me then." He satisfied his lonely pain with a crisp panini and a plum. Intriguing was just the start of it.

Contents
Chapter Nineteen

"Do you know why I've called you here, Bum-Raa?" Dip knew fine well that Bum-Raa didn't have a clue. He just thought while he had the upper hand he may as well milk it.

"No sir. I hope I haven't done anything wrong. I really want to be the best, I mean worst."

Dip turned on his chair to eek out the tension. "No, Bum-Raa. You haven't done anything wrong. Please, take a seat." Bum-Raa did as invited and sat opposite Dip at his desk. "I've noticed a certain displeasure you appear to have with Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload."

"Not so much displeasure as suspicion manifesting itself as hatred."

"Suspicion? In what way?" Dip leaned on his desk in curiosity.

"I'm not sure, but I've vowed to find out. There's something about them that doesn't add up. Do you know they don't even shout at their henchmen?"

"Really? That is odd." Dip remembered all the insults he'd faced and wished he'd had bosses that understanding.

"Apparently they treat them as friends, as equals. Ha."

Dip ate the arm of his chair in jealousy of such treatment, jarring Bum at the sudden burst of ferocity. "Then you should relish my proposal, Bum."

"Proposal?" Bum-Raa had never thought of the Chancellor in such a way, or any other man. Although marrying the chancellor of Evil University could be a great career move.

"Yes. Why are you looking at me with an air of dreaminess?" Dip shuffled uncomfortably.

"Was I? Sorry sir. Not intended." Bum shot to his best grimace.

"How would you like to throw a wonky cog in to Dag and Corsetry's final assessment?"

"Ah. You mean proposal as a suggestion of action?" Dip wondered if he had picked the right man after all. "Ahem. I'd be honoured." Bum regained his composure.

"On the day of the missions I want you to go to their planet instead of your own and activate the inbuilt heroes that live there. I'll supply you with the full dossier of their plan and a weapon that will wipe their co-operative ways from troubling our dimension ever again. You simply hand them to the two misguided fools that guard the forsaken planet. They'll know what to do."

"That would be marvellous sir. Only, what will happen to my own assignment?"

"I'll take care of that. Don't worry. You'd fail anyway; it's how the course runs. Don't want students getting used to success. We train you for reality not mumbo jumbo." Dip laughed to the ceiling. Bum saw the perfect opportunity to put his recently learned Evil cackle in to use. Pointing his face upwards he unleashed it. It felt so natural. Bum could definitely feel his career blooming, and all without having to marry anyone.

A knock interrupted the pair's extended chortle. Dip was pleased. It was beginning to grow awkward. He leaned over the desk before addressing the visitor. "This remains strictly between us two. Nobody else is to know, especially not the Vice Chancellor." Dip pulled his most threatening stare from his past arsenal. "Nobody!"

"No sir. Not even mother." Bum felt uncomfortable. Maybe he wasn't as ready for such high level Evil as he thought.

Dip reverted to his everyday scowl and barked at the door. "Who?"

"It's Spon Dooliks sir. I've come about the thing we were discussing."

"Ah yes. Come in Spon. Bum-Raa, I'll be in touch." Bum-Raa slid off the chair a little dejected, unsure if they were now friends or not.

"Oh. Okay then. Thank you for this opportunity. I will not fail you."

Spon and Bum-Raa passed each other, swapping confusion through nods as they did.

"Problem?" Spon enquired as to Bum's presence.

"Not at all; just needed to have a word. So, you have a plan?"

"Yes." Spon was instantly suspicious. He'd also picked up on Bum's dislike of Dag and Corsetry. It was the only common ground he could think the student and Chancellor shared. For now he ignored it, waited for the student to leave the room, and revealed his plan. "What if we get Dag and Corsetry to defeat Hugo Cortizone, film it, and then release it across the uninet?"

"What a good idea Spon; except if it was that easy to lure Hugo to his doom it would have been done a long time ago." Dip ate the other arm of his chair in frustration at Spon's ridiculous thought.

"Obviously I don't mean the actual Hugo Cortizone. We get someone of similar size and skill to dress up as him, wear a full Hugo suit, then pretend to attack Dag and Corsetry and let them win. We can film it on a dodgy recording device from a distance so nobody spots the seams."

"Oh." Dip considered regurgitating the arm. "That is far more feasible. I like that idea a lot." Dip sat back and contemplated further. "Didn't that new henchman trainer say he'd fought Hugo?"

"Dollop, yes he has." Spon always had Dollop in mind but felt it wise to let Dip presume he was adding something to the mission.

"Do you think he could mimic his fighting style?"

"We can ask him."

"It doesn't say anywhere in his contract that he's exempt from such duties does it?"

"I can check." Spon couldn't stop grinning. One of his plans was about to be approved. He'd come up with a practically applicable idea for once. Dag and Corsetry were positively infectious.

"Then let's put this into action, Spon." Dip stood up and offered his paw to shake.

"Thank you, sir." Spon shook his hand and left excitedly.

Dip was left alone in his office to consider how well things were going; wishing he'd taken up cigar smoking when he'd had the chance, or even just bought a few so he could sit with one in his mouth. He swallowed a letter opener instead. It was a futile device in the modern era of electronic communication, anyway.

Contents
Chapter Twenty

Hugo Cortizone sped away from the planet Chameleon, having vanquished the attempts of Caustic Velour to enslave its people. He looked back on the memory of his departure, crowds lining the streets to his craft, cheering and applauding. It filled him with a level of smugness only his ego could rival. What he didn't know was the fate that followed for the little planet.

As the euphoria settled alongside the dust, the natives were left to clean up the destruction Hugo's epic battle had created. The capital city of a planet with only one habitable country had been nigh on demolished, and it left the majority of the population unemployed and homeless. With nobody to blame they would slowly turn on each other, and three hundred years of civil war would erupt. Eventually, those that hadn't been killed would wonder why they were continuing to fight over gravel and farce, build a spaceship, and abandon the increasingly futile rock, leaving it to be reclaimed by the flora and occasional insect.

Fortunately for Hugo, he was oblivious to any consequence beyond his perfect nose. He preferred to live in an imagined reality where statues of his rippling bulk would be built in his honour, and every third child would be named after him.

Beaming effortlessly, his call to inform Velos 19 (the home of hero admin) of his latest victory was coming to an end.

"Don't mention it. Knowing that safety has returned is all the thanks I need. The gifts and material goods that are stacked neatly in my hull are merely memories of the lives I've saved, and I cherish every single one of those rescued heart beats. Signing out." The operator remained in a dreamy trance for the rest of the morning, spilling coffee all over his arm and leaving him with a permanent scar. He named it Hugo.

"Hugo." The ultimate hero's ship spoke boldly to its owner.

"What is it Chieftain old buddy? Say the words and my assistance is yours."

"I've located the craft you ask me to keep a constant scan for."

"Really?" An element of fluster entered the great one's tone. Hugo had something of a crush on Nicole and Suzy and liked to be alerted to the chance to pay them a visit. The fact they continued to spurn him only increased his desire.

"And it's in a location you'd be more than socially justified in visiting." The essence of a wink wandered through the craft.

"Release this information forth." Hugo stood. The news may require a dramatic sit down.

"Wanton Pleasure is at The University of Evil and Generally Mean Doings."

"Gadzooks, Chieftain." Hugo used his sitting down option. "You mean the most honourable and delightful Nicole Extravaganza and Suzy Fantastic could be in trouble?"

"It's not for me to say, but heroes at an Evil University can only mean trouble, a secret mission, or they're on the turn."

"They would never turn. Their beauty would not allow it. They are far too wholesome. There's not a sniff of an Evil 'whisk me away in your metallic stallion, cowboy' glint in their eye; mores the pity." Hugo stood once more and stroked his chin. "We must investigate, Chieftain."

"Already set the co-ordinates."

"We are justified in paying this visit, aren't we? Doesn't make me look weird or needy? They seemed to think I was intruding when I gate-crashed that hen-do they were on."

"You're the greatest hero alive. Anybody would be honoured for you to gate-crash their lives."

"You're a fine ship Chieftain, fitting for a hero of my stature. To destiny." Chieftain did an unnecessary roll and sped off towards university. Hopefully there would be enough parking spaces free.

*********

"So we take him in three days, the morning everyone sets off on their missions? The general fuss and confusion means he won't be missed. And if we've read the relationship correctly, Spon Dooliks will assume the role of Chancellor without hesitation, and cover up Dip's disappearance in order to avoid any awkward questions or challenges to his promotion." Nicole spelt out the pair's conclusions and intentions. "And with no-one around until the assignments are complete, we'll have oodles of time to make our escape." Nicole let relaxation take hold as the duo prepared for an evening on their ship, relaxing with trash telly and a table-sized bar of chocolate.

"Sounds good. Through the air vent, quick swap of monologues, tie him up, get out of there." Suzy offered the procedure in a series of simple yet intimidating sentences.

"Perfection." Nicole had put her favourite pyjamas on and poured a hot chocolate with sprinkles of orange and mint. She sat with the satisfaction of a job going well, and a lady about to watch her favourite soap.

Nicole's first sip was interrupted by the screen flickering, pausing, then a voice appearing over the moment Sandra was about to find out her husband was a cheating swine. "Excuse me ladies. Erm, it's the planet's security system here, so sorry to interrupt you like this."

"Our anger depends on why you've done it." The playful monkeys across her nightwear stole something of Nicole's intimidation.

"Somebody has burst through my defences. Told me Evil has no place asking Good anything then shot my laser system clean out. Should I tell anybody about this?"

"Hugo." Nicole knew instantly.

"What does he want, other than a slap?" Suzy readied her twitches.

"We know what he wants. I wonder what excuse he's got to cover up his sordid intentions this time." Nicole turned her attention back to the security system. "Do you have a self repair mechanism?"

"Yes I do. When you say Hugo, do you mean the Great Cortizone?" The security system got excited.

"Unfortunately so."

"My word, wait until I tell all the other systems I was attacked by the great one. I can see why he has such a reputation. I didn't stand a chance."

"You just get on with fixing yourself. There's no need to tell anyone what's going on. We'll sort Hugo out."

"Okay. Oh. The genius has only gone and blown up my self-fixing circuits too. What a move. Guess I can do it manually. What craftsmanship."

The television programme started again, only without the essence of relaxation it had been greeted with previously. The pair changed back into their hero suits and awaited the inevitable knock. It didn't take long to come.

************

Nicole opened the door. "What is it, Hugo?"

The burst of surprise and jazz hands he'd prepared were frozen before they could get going. "You knew?"

"We're not amateurs, Hugo. We know how to secure a planet we're on, especially when we're here in secret." Nicole ushered him inside.

"So you are on a mission?" Hugo entered the living area of Wanton Pleasure and paced in a faux, distracted manner; sniffing the air in bold gulps of honour.

"We are, and it's going perfectly fine without you." Suzy kept her arms folded as she battled her twitches from her still seated position on the sofa.

"Maybe a little grade five perspective on things can take it from fine to, crikey Moses this is good." The grin he gave was illegal in four sectors of the known universe, all for inspiring vomit in anyone that saw it.

"We already have a grade five perspective on things." Nicole spoke, keeping one eye on Suzy and her mood. Suzy resented being forced out of her pyjamas and back in to uniform, as the Mayor of one saved city found out on his own surprise visit to their craft. They never did find all his toes.

"What? When did you....." Hugo presumed the ladies had secured a promotion, and panicked. Wooing grade five females took a whole separate skill set.

"Not us. Two of the heroes that saved the universe with you are here too. They're on the megalomaniac course, undercover." Nicole retained her superior attitude.

Hugo instantly calmed. "With me?" He had wiped any memory of anyone else from that mission from his mind, except for Fayre Maiden, who would forever be the anchor in his heart.

"Yes. Computer." The computer had been listening and displayed the cover of Hero Monthly, highlighting Brick and Spiritwind.

"Ah, of course. I see the training I gave them has proved invaluable." Hugo placed his hands on his hips.

"You taught them, because they're practically the anti-you." Nicole wasn't overly convinced.

"Which is nice." Suzy threw in a dig and a glare. It winded Hugo momentarily.

"Sometimes, Nicole, merely being in my presence enhances the power and skill of a hero. They don't necessarily have to become a copy of me, which is fortunate as science has declared my skill unique in the history of living tissue." A moment flexing was essential after such a comment. "No, the closer a hero gets to my brute force, the more potent the lesson." Hugo sleazed his way across the room with a suggestive raise of an eyebrow.

Nicole sat down next to Suzy, ensuring there was no conceivable space for the randy lump to join them on the sofa. The bulky hero turned, thwarted, and continued to lecture. "I can only offer the finely enhanced tools to my pupils, how each individual applies them to the wart known as Evil is a choice even my greatness cannot make." He looked in to his fist. It had no idea what he wanted. "So what is their plan? Get all that potential Evil into one room and unleash a thwacking? That's what I'd do, and I'd enjoy every pinch and thump."

"No. They're more subtle than that; being more intelligent about the whole thing." Nicole picked up a magazine to accentuate how little she cared about Hugo.

"Of course, my intelligence is also passed down......"

Nicole put the magazine down with a huff and a thud. She was done with chit-chat. "We appreciate the visit Hugo, but is there anything specifically we can help you with?"

"I.......well...." Hugo was thrown. He was there to help them, he helped everybody, people wanted to be helped by him.

"Only we've got a mission to be getting on with in the morning and we just wanted to relax before an early night."

"You can take that shimmer out of your eye too. You won't be anywhere near our sleeping bodies." Suzy clenched her fist.

"I thought you may wish to be cooked for. I have a fine slab of Hobstratter (An animal the size of a hippo, built entirely from ready cooked pork crackling). Got some wine too. Swiped it from Evil. What do they know abo....."

"I think the early night is all we need. We're very tired." Nicole's angered face contained no hint of sleepiness.

"Yawn." Suzy flatly spoke the word with no supporting body language, her foot tapping, increasingly quickly.

"As I'm here it would surely be a crime not to use such talents." Hugo's calf muscle did a vague dance of honour.

"It's only a bit of observing and taking notes. The two heroes on the front line are the ones doing all the work." Nicole stood to begin ushering the unwanted guest towards the door.

"I excel in observation, and my notes hang in museums from here to as far as light has touched surface."

"You really don't have to." Nicole raised a flippant hand. She was growing weary of being polite about things.

"You really don't!" Suzy folded her arms even tighter.

"None of us have to, but as heroes we choose to. It's what sets us apart from the folk who just aren't as good. What leaves us...."

"If I say we may see you in the morning will you stop talking and leave?" Nicole put her hands on her hips, her tone more obvious than a pregnant stick insect.

"I shall spend the night in training, observing the very air if needs be."

"Well, you enjoy that." Nicole didn't know what else to say to such a statement. Luckily they'd reached the open door. A gentle touch of the arm saw the gurning lump outside of the craft. She closed the portal before Hugo could turn in the vague hope of a goodnight kiss. Only faint words trickled through.

"I'll be here for you.....always."

Nicole returned to the living area and sat down, trying to avoid Suzy's look of disappointment.

"I only said we may see him in the morning. I didn't promise anything."

"Care to bet your solar flare gloves on him not being here?" Irritation seeped through her words.

"I'm trying to kid myself, not lose my favourite hero accessory." Nicole got up to put her pyjamas back on, Suzy followed.

Meanwhile, Hugo entered his own craft and declared to Chieftain how much the females loved him. It appeared no matter what grade hero you were, the ability to read women could not be learnt.

Contents
Chapter Twenty-One

Spon walked across the henchman training field, the day's classes over. Dollop had remained behind to clear up the littered equipment, although he was taking a break from the tidying and beating a tank to a pulp. It was always nice to know you still had it.

As he leapt on to the turret, bending the gun as he went, he found himself facing the approaching Vice Chancellor.

"Evening." Dollop sent his greeting as he tore the gun clean from the vehicle.

"Yes, it is." Spon wasn't sure on the etiquette for such a situation.

Dollop flung the gun half a mile towards the university and skipped down. "Just a little private workout, hope you don't mind?"

"Not at all." Spon was in no position to start an argument as Dollop's heaving bulk towered above him. "You need to keep the muscles pumped. Only like me reading books I suppose." The academic added a nervous laugh as punctuation. "So, I've spoken to Dip about our friends, Dag and Corsetry." Spon winced as the tank's entire left hand side collapsed in response to a kidney punch from the behemoth.

"There's far more to come from that sentence, isn't there?" Dollop stopped destroying the tank and turned towards the speaker.

"I do love the fact you pick up on my subtleties of tone." Spon gave himself a moment of appreciation for the growing bond between the pair. "Dip has agreed to use Dag and Corsetry as his new figureheads, but he wants them to be heralded posthumously. I have to create a universe wide buzz around them, but make them disappear in the process."

"Good old Evil. Just when a plan can be simple it steps in and adds the need for a trap door above a pit of eternal worms or something."

"That's what I said, only under my breath and without the reference to eternal worms. Do they even exist?"

Dollop's face suggested not only did they exist but he had the scars to prove it. "I presume this is where I come in?" Dollop took a firm grip on the hulk of metal that used to be a tank and began dragging it back to the equipment hut, or hangar if you believe in size determining labels.

"It is. I propose to film Dag and Corsetry defeating Hugo Cortizone......" The tank came to a halt as Dollop stood still. The chance to avenge his tormentor still held some merit, even if it had ceased driving him since spending time as the hero's prison guard. ".......from a distance, and release it across the uninet. The evil pair's journey from the planet will be the last anybody sees of them as they mysteriously disappear. I'll allow the conspiracy theorists the chance to explain where they went, increasing their legend, whilst I secretly house them at the university until Dag realises they are needed in the flesh."

"So, do you need me to help capture Hugo?" Dollop prepared himself for a fourth meeting.

"No, no, no Dollop. I need you to be Hugo." Spon felt he'd achieved the tone of the reveal to perfection. Dollop twitched. It knocked a wheel from the tank off towards the horizon.

"Me. Be Hugo Cortizone." Dollop let the idea sink in. It had always been his belief he could have been a hero were it not for his appearance. He matched them in every physical asset and ability. This could be his chance to try.

"You're the perfect candidate. You acted as his guard with Insidious Chi and have fought him thrice." Dollop stroked his scar. "So you know his mannerisms, his ways."

"All too well." Dollop gave heroic rhetoric a whirl. He liked it.

"This could be your final strike, to destroy his reputation; surely far more satisfying than throwing him off a cliff or burying him beneath a poppadum factory."

Dollop paused and ran the idea through his head before airing another mini monologue. "That man has plagued my entire working life. He has been my nemesis, my tormentor in defeat, and briefly my betrothed...." Spon didn't dare pry. "I've already faced the demon of becoming a maiden in the name of Evil. I suppose in some ways, assuming his persona is the ultimate step in facing myself."

"Is that a yes?" Spon was unsure which way this was going. He prepared to run, fully expectant of finding a tank on his head if he did.

"I think it is. After everything I worked through whilst acting as his guard, to be him would ultimately allow me to try and understand him, and we all know fear and understanding do not sit together at tea time."

"No. They barely go to the same restaurants." Spon and Dollop looked at each other then snapped out of their world of simile.

"You can use me as you need." Dollop could see why Hugo always talked in this manner. "

Spon clapped excitedly. "This is excellent news. We'll get you measured up for your full Hugo suit, and I'll go and work on the finer details."

"Will Dag and Corsetry know it's me in there?" Dollop checked his own details.

"Not until the final moment. They know nothing yet of the plan we are forming. Probably best not to have too many people involved in what's really going on. More chance for error that way."

"So, you are learning from them?" Dollop felt the twinges of potential success he used to experience at the onset of every mission, aware that reality would quell them at some point.

"I think I am. More importantly, I think we all can."

Both adopted a poetic stance, unsure what to do next. Dollop offered his feelings. "I have the strangest urge to laugh heartily to the sky."

"It'll do that to you, this place. Would you like to laugh heartily to the sky?" Spon hoped he didn't.

"Not really. Always thought it was a bit silly. Nothing's ever that funny, certainly not a statement of dastardly intent. A man falling down the stairs with a tray of cream cakes, perhaps, but that's more a guffaw than a hearty chuckle."

"Ah, a fan of personal misfortune? I've a selection of slapstick movies back in my office if you care to while away an afternoon. Have a fine projector to play them on."

"Sounds like a great idea......."

The duo wandered back towards the university, Dollop dragging his tank and Spon considering the rest of his plan, pleased the chat hadn't ended with forty tonnes of metal on his face.

It was nice to see a conversation about an Evil idea for once rather than an exchange of meaningless declarations and the room ending up on fire. Maybe it truly was a new dawn.

Contents
Chapter Twenty-Two

The overlord students filed back in to their study lab. The trainee henchmen had already lined up at the back of the room, pushing and posturing affecting the geometry of their line. The torturers and mad scientists had remained in their dungeons/labs, where they felt of best use to the world.

Each megalomaniac took a seat in front of their assigned work station. Dip, Spon, Dollop, and various other members of the faculty were seated on a miniature stage.

Once the background waffle and sense of excitement had dwindled, and Brick had worked out how to make his chair point in the right direction, Dip stood and prepared to speak.

"Welcome, students, to the presentation of your final plans." He raised his arms. The back of the room stamped its feet and offered roars of battle. "Everything you have learnt in these past few weeks should have been crammed into your dossier in order to show the Evil world what kind of monster you will become." More whooping and general gnarls toured the room. Hugo sat in the air vent with Nicole and Suzy, trying to restrain his natural instinct to burst through and take everyone on in a fist dance. Brick was more concerned about the homework it appeared they hadn't done.

"Have you written one of these dossier things?" He turned to Spiritwind.

"I was just beginning to wonder about that."

"We're going to need an excuse."

"We're going to need two." Spiritwind proved he could still count.

"If you would kindly, or nastily..." The room gurgled its laughter. "...complete the ceremonial sending of the file." Everybody wiggled the mouse to bring their plans up on screen. They were already loaded and waiting. A huge electronic button flashed 'Send' in the centre. Brick poked at their mouse with his eyes firmly closed. He felt a tap from Spiritwind and opened them. His bald friend beamed back at him.

"We must have done it during the montage." Spiritwind offered a celebratory mini-hamburger, complete with cheese and bacon.

"Of course we did. I knew something would turn up. And you were worried." Brick released his tension through a gentle huff, and marvelled at the screen. It was filled with ideas and waffle under every heading. Spiritwind would have shaken his head in judgement, but it seemed a waste of neck turns he may need in later life.

Dip turned to the giant screen that adorned the wall behind him. Data flashed across it as the files were submitted. "Excellent." Dip raised both arms in victory; it felt justified, then sat down. Spon stood and took over the speaking duties.

"Shall we flick through a few?" Spon's suggestion received equal hollers. There was no lack of confidence in the room.

Spon pushed a button beneath the speakers' stand. It stopped on Colax Braced's intention.

A purple cloaked man stood, only the lenses of his telescopic spectacles could be seen beneath his equally purple hat, a purple neckerchief covering his mouth and nose.

"He must be warm in all that." Brick had only one thought. Bum-Raa sent a knowing sneer in the Earthling's direction, happy that he would be around to see their demise.

"My plan is simple." Colax began his diatribe. "I shall arrive above a landmark in every well known world city, in a series of crafts as large as a small borough of the lesser known towns that surround it. They shall hover there, creating concern and panic for a period of days, before I seize control of every television and radio on the Earth to pass on my demands. I shall destroy one country to prove my power."

"Make sure you pick America." Brick couldn't help but comment. The room turned towards him. Dip ate a shoe.

"What?" Colax had little more to offer.

"Pick America, to blow up. If you don't an ex-special forces guy will come out of retirement from being the best of the best after you blow up the cupcake shop he'd recently opened. He'll be flung together with an attractive woman who's just ended a relationship, making her vulnerable and available for a fling disguised as love, and is having an already stressful day. This stress will overflow during the finale when she delivers a knockout blow to your female assassin/sorceress, but for now that isn't important. There'll be a few other characters who'll make up his 'team', mainly thrown in for light relief. None of them will be in their physical prime, be it through lifestyle or genetics, but they will still have the power to avoid any accidental deaths or attacks from highly skilled combatants, and will defeat said combatants in a comical manner. So, unless you want that to happen, pick America to destroy first."

"I was thinking Paris. The Eiffel Tower will look spectacular as it collapses." The confidence ebbed from Colax's speech as his plan flickered across the screen. It stopped on the bio page of a female assassin that made up part of his crew. Murmurs broke out as Colax sat down, stunned and without argument.

"Well thank you, Dag Nammit, for your insight." Spon was elated, but couldn't show it.

"Anytime." Brick was oblivious to the room's embarrassed, ire.

Spon pushed the random button again. It landed on Dingo Battlescar, an eight foot set of teeth held up by a series of muscles that threatened to rip the heart out of a granite boulder should it come anywhere near his pint, never mind spill it. He raised himself, and spoke with less confidence than you'd expect.

"I plan to build a lair at the heart of the Earth, linking such to a derelict building in every major city of every country. When the time comes, and my army is amassed, I shall send them through the tunnels and out in to the streets, armed with guns that fire the sensation of wearing a shirt filled with hair clippings. With such power I shall make the leaders of the Earth bow before me and rule all that is." The room turned towards Brick. He continued perusing his trainer, wondering about a variety of unexplained scuffs.

"Any problems with that, Dag Nammit?" Spon spoke up for the room.

"Well, not so much a problem." Brick looked up from his shoe, no nearer to understanding the social history of his footwear. "Really like the gun idea by the way."

"But?" Dingo managed to look needy.

"I just think there's quite a good chance that a band of heroes will stumble upon one of these tunnels, purely by heroic coincidence. They'll probably meet a social outcast, a misunderstood homeless man perhaps, who happened to see one of your men returning to the base through a warehouse. He won't reveal it straight away though. They'll take him in first, feed him, make him feel wanted; then the nomad will reveal the information in a flippant manner, probably when they're most stuck. Anyway, they'll investigate the said warehouse, find a tunnel, and follow it right to the heart of your plan. And we all know what'll happen in the final showdown. Aside from that, sounds great." The thumbs up held nothing but a patronising sneer.

"I shall leave plenty of guards back there as defence against such." Dingo bit his screen in half through hurried speech.

"That won't help. The heroes will just hide behind a multitude of equipment waiting to be moved around on forklifts, steal a number of uniforms, and find you just as you move into the final phase of your plan. You may even capture the female love interest and tie her up exotically. She'll threaten you with what will happen when her love chunk turns up, you'll mock her further for such a suggestion, but he will; and somehow burn your base down in the process, or set off the self-destruct mechanism." Dingo sat down, picking the power button out of his teeth.

"Well, let us hear your plan then." Bum-Raa could hold his annoyance in no more.

A rally of supporting cries rang around the hall, including from Brick and Spiritwind. They were as curious as anyone to see what they'd come up with.

"Shall we?" Spon awaited their confirmation before scrolling through to their dossier. Brick and Spiritwind quickly read their own screen, suitably impressed with what they'd come up with. Spon read out what he saw, in amazement.

"HQ, a pub?"

"What better place to hide?" Brick offered nothing but sincerity. "There's a bank of takeaways opposite it too." He was already zooming in to scout the surrounding area.

"Uniform: smart casual? Transport: The number 42 bus? Catchphrase: Indeed!"

"We're saving you a fortune." Brick could sense appreciation wasn't forthcoming.

"Indeed." Spiritwind whipped their catchphrase into use straight away.

"You don't need to save us money. We own each planet. We could print more money than you could ever imagine." Dip stepped forward, his mouth full of carpet."

"So why are you going to all this trouble of amassing armies? Why not just offer to buy it?" Spiritwind made a point that no Evil had ever considered. It had to laugh it off or the whole game would have been up there and then.

Spon scrolled down to the crux of their plan. The other overlords read it and had little else to say. "Steal the internet and infect it with the news that Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload are the planet's new ultimate rulers of all that is." Spon scrolled down a little further. "The internet is housed in a light-bulb in the far corners of a warehouse on the edge of the town of Puddleton. Two temps currently work nearby it and are its only potential guard. Its insignificance, and un-likeliness of being the key to the entire sub-ether, is its security." Spon was bewildered by the level of genius. "No armies?"

"Not needed." Brick sat with his arms folded. Some would say in a smug manner.

Dip wanted to say something, but he had nothing. Equally Bum sat and fumed, searching for an angle of attack. It just made too much sense. Dip swallowed another carpet tile and took over the podium, speaking with distracted fury and eager to get the whole debacle over with.

"We shall work to arrange your plans and have them ready for the actual day of assessment. You have a few days to relax and prepare yourselves for the test ahead. DISMISSED."

Everyone filed out in mumbling silence. Dip signalled Bum towards him. Around the back of the stage he handed over Dag and Corsetry's dossier and a necklace of some sort. His wagging finger relayed instructions, his wagging tail displayed the pleasure such mischief gave him.

Once the room was empty, the air vent had its say.

"Told you there were two fine minds here with a plan." Nicole turned to Hugo. He'd given up watching the lecture theatre a long time ago. He'd been mesmerised by the lycra covered posteriors of the two females he adored.

"Fine indeed! Plan? Of course. Heroes never fail....."

"Were you looking at my bum all this time?" Nicole could see what had been going on.

"We have to maintain our vision for each other. This place is filled...."

"I'm taking that as a yes. Come on." Nicole shuffled back down the vent and towards the final tweaks of her own plan. Hugo followed with a longing gaze that a puppy could only dream of.

Contents
Chapter Twenty-Three

After three days off, the Evil University almost felt relaxed, except for the crews responsible for putting together the overlords' plans, but they were on casual contracts so were happy for the work.

Brick and Spiritwind had spent their time on board Magic, watching films and making use of the disco room. Nicole and Suzy even popped round for a night, but left when Brick managed to spin himself out of the club and in to the water-slide system. By the time he'd found his way back to the funk area only Spiritwind and a box of chicken remained.

The female heroes had spent the rest of their time putting the final touches to their plan to kidnap Dip, which mainly consisted of vague discussions during extensive bubble bath sessions; they'd taken on a whole new pleasure since securing the recipe for Gentle Cycles from Brick. The only other burden on their time involved trying to repel Hugo's continual advances for attention and pats on the head for past bravery. They hadn't mentioned his presence to Brick and Spiritwind. It only promised more confusion. Plus, they hoped Hugo would be leaving very soon.

Spon had been enjoying his new back garden, even with his neighbour twitching behind the curtains, waiting for the moment it became flooded with visitors. Although Ginjiv-Itis had to wonder if they'd still visit now the fountain of Evil had mysteriously dried up.

Bum-Raa had been reading through Dag and Corsetry's dossier, mocking it with empty laughter as each page passed, such sense could never flourish success. Every evil mind in the universe knew that. He practiced the speech he'd make as their plan collapsed and he revealed his part in it all, wondering if slipping in a magic trick may be taking things too far. He never tired of seeing a coin appear from behind an unsuspecting ear.

Jiggery and Yakkety had stayed out of Bum's way, spending time arm wrestling and swapping snarls. Jiggery had also been reading up on building courses should the inevitable failure hit his boss hard enough to consider early retirement. Yakkety had been talking to anyone and everything that crossed his path, be it a conscious being or a bath sponge. A phone-call to his mother had lasted most of the first day, although she'd only managed to listen for ten minutes. She didn't need to be on the other end to appease her son and had nipped off to the local theme park, returning later that evening to say goodnight.

Bozo and Schmuk spent the time running through various role-play scenarios they may face while working as bouncers at Brick and Spiritwind's pub. They studied the subtle differences between trainers and shoes, and what constituted football colours on the relevant days, but inevitably descended into swapping anecdotes about past fights and where to poke someone to make them throw up instantly.

Dollop had been trying on his Hugo suit, staring into the mirror that reflected so many questions back to him. The hours standing in front of a conflicted reality, his own eyes peering out from Hugo's grin, ebbed away at the barriers he'd built between them. Would becoming his nemesis untie the final knot of angst that had plagued his existence?

As the morning of the assessment finally came, the sun attempted to brighten the university with its rays. The permanent cloud cover and sinister intent wouldn't allow it fully through, only permitting a vague suggestion of what could be were the dark swirls to break. Personally, the clouds preferred the moon and would step aside most nights to allow it to shine sinisterly in the sky. It was a permanent irritation of the Sun's. It wasn't as if the moon even did anything. It was just a big mirror reflecting all his hard radiation work. Its fury would be unleashed with the occasional strop and release of several thousand flares out in to space, not that it changed anything.

Dip stared up at the foreboding sky from his desk, wondering if he would really have a figurehead in only a matter of weeks. It could be the kick start to the next step of his career, the prologue to his legendary status as the man that revolutionised Evil training, or at least managed to turn a decent profit from it.

Taking a deep, satisfied breath he released it in shock as the cover to the air vent flew off the wall, quickly followed by a flurry of colour back-flipping across his office. By the time he'd uttered an exasperated query he was pinned to his chair by the leg of Suzy Fantastic. She covered the draw that held his rocket launcher with a free hand. Nicole Extravaganza seductively strode towards the confused Chancellor, picking up his name plate upon reaching the desk.

"Dip Sing Doolally. Really?"

"I don't understand. Hold on. Was that even a question?"

"Oh I think you do, Scrotal." Nicole leaned in. The panic that flashed across Dip's face belied his verbal attempts at denial.

"Scrotal? It clearly states my name on the thing, and as you can see it is Dip Sin...."

"The game's up, Scrotal. That scar above your right eye...." Dip tried to see what he knew was there. "....came courtesy of Suzy in the bar where we first met. Not a wise choice to traverse three flights of stairs on your face."

"I was given no choice." A snarl entered Dip's lip. Suzy's face entered the majority of his vision, eye twitching, ready to explode.

"Good to see you've come to your senses and remembered who you are. Suzy had spotted a nice lift shaft on the way here, needs a fake Chancellor hanging upside down in it."

"What do you want? If we are to fight to the death then at least give me a fair chance at victory." Dip struggled, Suzy spasmed. The Chancellor settled down with a worried glaze. He'd been on the wrong end of those twitches too many times. "And for the record I'm not a fake Chancellor. I'm officially registered, for tax purposes at least."

Nicole sauntered around the room as she spoke, knowing their nemesis was going nowhere. "We are far from the amateurs you used to face, Scrotal. We know were we to set you free you'd scarper under the guise of battle. There's bound to be at least one secret bookcase entrance in a room such as this. You see, we've been promoted, grade three, which means we need a worthy nemesis, and you don't match up anymore."

"So go, find your nemesis and leave me to my work." Dip looked as far to the left as he could in order to avoid Suzy's wobbling chin.

"I'm afraid it isn't that simple. We have to cash you in at The Heroes Guild. You have to be officially vanquished before we can replace you."

"Vanquished? Whatever do you mean?" Dip was dying to nibble on the ceiling fan.

Nicole glanced at the many shelves as she strolled, poking at various books only to find they were empty boxes. "You'll be processed and placed in the vanquished pit along with all the other fallen nemesii, sises, sums." She looked inquisitively at herself before carrying on. "You'll eventually be fired into space towards a randomly chosen and uncertain destiny. You won't die, and should you wish to return for vengeance you may, but you must train yourself to our level before the laws of battle will allow it."

"I won't go. You can't do this. I've just got my office how I like it."

"We're not aski...." Nicole's sentence was interrupted by a larger flourish of colour entering the room in a ball. It rolled towards the desk and stood in one smooth movement, lifting Dip by the throat and pinning him against the wall.

"This brute giving you ladies trouble?" It was Hugo.

"Not really. We were jus..."

"I thought so. It's a knack I have, thinking something that's absolutely right."

"Hugo Cortizone? Is that really you? In my air vent too." Dip was star-struck.

"In the flesh sonny, although you may begin to wish I wasn't." Hugo turned and pinned Dip to the desk.

"Could I get an autograph? It's for my niece you see, big fan." Dip searched for a paper and pen across the work station he was held against.

"Listen, Hugo. We...."

"No need for thanks, Nicole Extravaganza. I'm just doing what any being with my outstanding abilities would do. Shall I?" Hugo gestured towards his walkie-talkie cufflink before speaking, oblivious to any agreement Nicole may offer. Suzy's twitches grew at Hugo's lack of manners. "Calling Velos 19."

"Take me. I'm happy to be captured by such a legend." Dip held out his arms for ease of cuffing, his attitude having turned completely.

"I need to report the capture of....."

"Scrotal Nepotism is my name." Dip couldn't be more helpful.

"Scrotal Nepotism, been hiding out here at Evil University."

"Wow, Mr Cortizone sir. You'll chase Evil anywhere, even into the heart of its lair." The operator whispered. "I love you so much."

"Well, strictly speaking it wasn't my doing." Hugo nodded towards Nicole as she folded her arms in utter disgust.

"Aha. It says on the files he's the nemesis of Nicole Extravaganza and Suzy Fantastic. He's due to be vanquished. We've been waiting for them to deliver him, but looks like you've cleaned up their slackness for them. Would you like us to inform them on your behalf that the mighty one has done their job for them?" Suzy scarred the voice of the operator on to her memory. His time would come.

"No need son. They're here with me."

"Oh you sly old dog Hugo. You sure know how to impress the ladies. Invite them along to show them how a true hero does it." Hugo offered apologies with shuffles of his body, smiling all the time as though it was a future anecdote they'd share. Suzy offered her own shuffles, in the form of outraged convulsions.

"It isn't quite like that, son." Hugo suggested there was nothing he could do.

"However it is; you're still marvellous."

"It's been an honour, son. Let destiny reign."

"The honour's all mine."

"Get back in the air vent, quickly." Nicole's anger would have to wait. She could see Suzy had been pushed beyond the point of no return. Her twitches had reached critical level. Hugo was about to be bold until he saw Suzy's face. He dived in to the air vent, Dip in hand. Nicole back-flipped her way to join them as the metal rectangle echoed with the sounds of furniture smashing. Various splinters flew past the opening for a good ten minutes before Suzy appeared at the entrance. Calm and relieved.

"Shall we go and hand him in then?" Suzy couldn't be more polite as she pointed to Dip; Nicole replied with her own annoyed tone.

"The only place we're going is to Brick and Spiritwind's pub. This chunk has taken the credit. He can deliver him to Velos 19." Hugo's smile lost fuel as the words sunk in. Where was the praise, the adulation? Women were such confusing beasts; first Fayre Maiden and now this.

As the disharmonious trio of honour shuffled away, the dust began to part to reveal Dip's new office. A pile of broken wood sat at the centre of the room, all furniture and most of the walls stripped in rage, the room scarred with fury.

On the plus side, it made it look like he'd put up one hell of a fight.

Contents
Chapter Twenty Four

Spon knocked on Dip's office door for a third time. They would always walk to the launching of the final assessment together, discussing various students and their hopes along the way. Spon would usually feign some mild interest in one random choice or another, but he always suspected Dip could tell his heart wasn't behind them; however this time they had something genuinely exciting to talk about.

Spon knocked for a fourth time. Even when Dip was in one of his moods and was ignoring him, he'd make it obvious with the sounds of exaggerated shuffles and stirs. There was no reason for a strop today though. They hadn't had co-operation like this in, well, ever.

After the sixth knock, Spon began to suspect something was wrong. Dip wouldn't miss the launch of the missions. As nervous as he got in front of crowds he loved pushing the big 'begin' button. Spon spoke through the door. "I'm going to come in, Dip. I realise this may infuriate you, which is why I'm letting you know. Just bang the floor if you want me to go away." Spon waited for anything resembling a thud. It didn't come. The Vice Chancellor took it as permission to enter. With his head submissively down he shuffled into the room, slowly raising his eyes through the dust that still swirled gently.

"Oh my goodness." The devastation Spon found was overwhelming. He stepped towards the eight foot pile of debris and circled it, hand cupping his mouth, searching for a loose limb that could be assigned to his boss. Any self respecting ex-henchman knows it's essential to leave an exposed hand or foot when buried by battle residue, or an open eye should the crush have been fatal. It's purely manners.

With no body parts to pull, Spon searched the office. With little left to hide behind or under, it didn't take long. None of the secret bookcase doors had been activated and the emergency fireplace exit remained sealed. Spon wandered towards the large, contemplating window as a thought dawned across his scalp: 'That makes me the Chancellor'. Spon's lack of conscience shone forth to grab what was rightfully his.

***********

Spon strolled down the numerous corridors of the university, lost in realisation of his promotion. He could put his full plan in to operation. Dag and Corsetry wouldn't have to 'disappear'. He could change the curriculum to a more heroic way of thinking. He could park his car a full thirty feet nearer the entrance.

The new Chancellor stepped out of the lift and turned left towards the control room. The windowed tunnel he sauntered down looked out across the bays that contained the equipment and personnel for each student's plan. He glanced intermittently at the countless ships and abundant rows of uniformed anger, only pausing upon seeing the hangar assigned to Dag and Corsetry. Magical Causality, its shell morphed in to something resembling a beetle with acne, sat alongside one other craft of similar visual mischief. Bozo and Schmuk meandered around the floor. Brick and Spiritwind were still on board their trusty ship, searching for hangover phials. 'My new hope'. Spon whispered to himself before continuing along the elongated walkway.

A door at the far end of the corridor, opened in response to the Chancellor's presence. Spon passed through and in to the communication hub. Dollop and the rest of the course tutors mingled uncomfortably.

"Is Dip not with you?" Dollop was the first react to the absence.

"No, no." Spon had forgotten to think of a cover story. "He's asked me to do the blast off speech." The room murmured surprise. "He's got a sore throat; didn't want to lessen the effect of triumph in his tone."

All except Dollop swallowed the tale without question. As generic Evil they weren't trained to spot such inconsistencies and blatant fibs.

The ex-henchman sidled over towards Spon as the rest of the room continued to devour the complimentary nibbles. "Sore throat?"

"I'll explain the good news later. Shall we begin?" Spon headed for the Chancellor's chair. It was surrounded by monitors and a microphone linked to an eighty foot screen in each overlord hangar. He got comfortable before pushing the button that opened the intercom.

"Welcome students, to your final assessment." Spon could get used to this.

Brick and Spiritwind stirred from inside Magic, clambering on to an armchair and being lifted down and in to their assigned warehouse of intended mischief.

"Today will see the beginning of your quest, your journey in to the lands of Evil, the first steps towards one day achieving what so many before you have failed to do. Take everything you've learnt and apply it well, for you now face the lessons that can't be taught on a board or through anecdotes, but only through experience. Class, commence your speeches." Spon waved a fist then slapped it down on the big, red, Begin button; he could see why Dip loved pushing it so much.

Spon faded from the screen, replaced by BEGIN in large, red, flashing letters. After a pause, the rooms cheered, and each overlord took to their podium. An examiner behind a one way mirror in every hangar picked up their clipboard and pencil. The one concealed in Brick and Spiritwind's room wondered if their sound system was working. Nobody had taken to the stage.

"Have you got a speech?" Brick poked Spiritwind as Bozo and Schmuk looked between their bosses and the empty speakers' stand.

"Not one prepared for this situation. I've a few impromptu ones about a variety of topics, one of which concerns not poking a man in the ribs while he's holding a bag of chips."

"I'll do it then." Brick skipped up to the stand, secretly happy that he got to wring a monologue out of his mind. The assessor instantly marked Brick down for wholesome joviality in his ascension of the plinth.

Positioning himself, Brick looked out across the vast space they had at their disposal. All the other rooms were filled to the brim with vehicles, machines and armed warriors. Brick's audience consisted of two idle ships, a pair of henchmen on a wooden chair each, and a bald man who'd just spilt ketchup on his top.

"MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE ORDERED MORE STUFF." The words boomed around the room.

"Maybe you should turn the volume down?" Spiritwind's stunned features had an instant suggestion.

"MAYBE Y..." Brick turned the microphone to the side. "Maybe you're right." He searched beneath the stand for a time immeasurable by its impracticality.

After several moments, Bozo raised his hand. The examiner watched on in disbelief, unsure how to grade such a performance.

"Don't be shy, Bozo. Just blurt it out." Spiritwind offered encouragement, and a chip.

"You could just talk to us. We're only a Humnar away."

Brick's head appeared above the stand, flustered but with a stylish ruffled look running through his hair. "Won't we lose points for dramatic effect?"

"Probably not as many as saying nothing at all." The roars of the other rooms could me made out, faintly trickling through the various vents and poorly soundproofed walls. The heroes' mission was already behind.

"Don't worry. Found it." Brick returned to his full height and cautiously spoke. "How's that?" The lack of pained faces that greeted the question served as the answer. The examiner wondered if finding the volume was worthy of a tick for effort. He dropped his pencil, and forgot what he'd been thinking about.

"Men!" Brick held his arms outstretched to the sides, awaiting further inspiration. "We are here." Still nothing. "And out there is a world, a world which as far as I can see, is ours. The so called inhabitants are just waiting to be told, told with a force that is not for the reckoning of stars or the vision of those with feeble stomachs." Something had definitely turned up. "There'll be crushing of spirits, a slaying of ideals, a vacuum of hope, and we shall fill it with our own intentions and desires. Not because we need to, purely because we want to, and whatever we want we just go out and claim for ourselves, for we are Evil, and we don't care." Everyone was suitably impressed, including the examiner; however the lack of people made the audience more cerebrally appreciative than the rollicking furore the other speeches received; more a series of nods, winks and raised eyebrows than any actual shouting. Brick finished with a final thought that had popped in to his head from nowhere.

"So let us step out of these doors, not on a quest to take over an Earth, but in to the annals of legends. I thank you." Brick skipped down from the stage, accepting an applause that wasn't there, and jumped straight on to an armchair that disappeared in to Magic.

"Are you two following us then or do you know the way?" Spiritwind spoke directly to Bozo and Schmuk.

"I thought we were coming with you?"

"You are, but we thought we'd get you your own ship." Spiritwind pointed to the sinister craft that sat alongside Magic. "We had a ridiculous budget, thought somebody should get something out of it."

"Really." Bozo threatened a tear.

"For us?" Schmuk held it together with only a squeak in his larynx.

"That's the nicest thing. You guys are the best." Bozo patted Spiritwind's shoulder. The small, bald man was catapulted by the force on to an armchair on the ramp of Magic.

"No problem. Enjoy it. We'll see you there." Spiritwind disappeared in to the hull, rubbing his arm. Bozo and Schmuk giddily ran up the entrance to their new ship.

The other missions set off, filling the space around the planet and heading towards their assignments, except one, which meandered in the direction of a planet with an already intended ruler.

"Are we not veering off track, boss?" Jiggery turned to Bum.

"I veered off track once, terrible business. That's why they have that saying: stick to the track." Yakkety wittered.

"Did I not mention? We have a special mission from the Chancellor himself." Bum cackled in a manner that suggested no further questions should interrupt his joy at knowing something they didn't, and that the chapter was at an end.

Contents
Chapter Twenty Five

Brick (Other Brick) from the Earth franchise planet at the heart of Dag and Corsetry's takeover, rolled over in the lush grass and instantly awoke.

"This isn't right." His intuition had not been eradicated by the copious levels of alcohol consumed the previous night.

"Definitely not." Other Spiritwind concurred between bites of his toasty, sat three feet from his friend.

"How could our drunken homing signals be so off?" With a quick sit up and a turn of the head, Other Brick could see they had passed out in their neighbour's front garden rather than their own.

"Perhaps we need to re-calibrate them with a day on the sofa and various flashing imagery passing before our eyes. Intermittent feasts will also be provided." Other Spiritwind formed an instant plan.

The pair struggled to their feet and stumbled towards the gate.

A bush opposite, ruffled before telling itself to shut up. Closer inspection would reveal it to be Bum-Raa and his henchmen. Yakkety was the subject of the rebuke.

The evil trio had searched out the address of Rick and Biritvind and awaited the emergence of the planet's saviours; as Brick and Spiritwind stumbled out of the true saviour's garden and on to the street, Bum jumped in to action.

"There they are. Oh how devious." Bum skipped from the bush, dossier and necklace in hand, and headed directly for them. Brick saw the hair-riddled student approach, followed by two awkward looking but average sized men. The henchmen had been forced to don human suits that disguised their bulk and appearance as a pair of morning joggers. Being the right proportions to appear almost native, Bum only had to cover his beard and arm, although an amusing coincidence meant his disguise face looked exactly the same as his own, only the beard was made of hair. "Excuse me. Excuse me." Bum lost all intimidation.

"Do we owe anyone any money?" Other Brick nudged Other Spiritwind

"Lots of people, but only the kind that send coloured letters and nasty e-mails; nobody that would send a camp man at such an hour of the day, whatever hour it is."

"So, you are the great hope. I have to say it's very subtle; exactly what you'd expect from the Earth."

"We have no money." Brick tapped his pocket to see if he was telling the truth. He could swear he felt at least three unexplained Scrabble tiles.

"And why would you? All part of the disguise, looking like hopeless losers, I understand. Anyway, I'm here to tell you your services are needed, imminently." Bum almost fell over in excited glee. Jiggery and Yakkety struggled to straighten their suits. Their elbows were the wrong way round.

"Are you from the agency? We really were ill yesterday, but when he suddenly felt better we thought it was a good reason to celebrate." Other Brick fumbled an excuse for their previous day's absence.

"You two live here, right?" Bum began to suspect the stupidity may not be a disguise.

"Yes." They were, technically, now standing outside their house.

"And you're Rick and Biritvind?"

"Close enough." Brick just wanted to get in to bed.

"Then this is yours." Bum handed over the dossier. "As is this." The future overlord added an ornate necklace to the file. It was the Dimensionator that they would need to dispose of Dag and Corsetry. It could send anything to any alternate dimension with one zap. "I'm sure such trained athletes and minds as yourselves will know exactly what you need to do. Enjoy." Bum skipped away, followed by his still misaligned henchmen.

Other Brick handed the folder straight to Other Spiritwind. "I believe you're in charge of admin."

"Are you not intrigued?" Other Spiritwind popped a digestive in his mouth as they approached their door.

"Of course, but I know you're more intrigued and will ultimately tell me the edited highlights." Other Brick fell through the half tortoise shell glass/half wooden barrier and headed straight to the staircase. Other Spiritwind flicked through the book and wandered towards the kitchen.

***************

Several hours later, Other Brick trickled in to the living room. Other Spiritwind had the file by the side of the sofa, surrounded by empty plates.

"Morning." Other Brick plonked straight on to his armchair and adopted a watching television posture.

"Why not." Other Spiritwind had given up on debating the time of day and the correct greeting that accompanies each.

"Anything interesting happen while I was away?"

"Define interesting." Other Spiritwind wasn't opening up that easily.

"I don't have to because the dictionary has already done it. I hear it defined annoying too." Other Brick shuffled upwards with vague purpose. "What was in the folder?"

"Ah. I thought you might have forgotten about that." Other Spiritwind picked it up. "There was this necklace." Other Spiritwind tossed the cylindrical sheath of metal towards Other Brick. His shock at the projectile approaching closed his eyes. When they opened it was on his stomach. The impact had been minimal, its weight barely registering. Other Spiritwind continued to inform as Other Brick tried the jewellery on. "It's some kind of story written out as a plan. Had to put bits in the right order, narrative arc could do with a bit of work, but sounds interesting."

"Then that fulfils the criteria of exactly what I was enquiring about."

"Says that two blokes named Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload are going to sneak in to our warehouse and steal a light bulb that houses the internet. They're then going to use it to convince the world that they are the new leaders."

"Sounds a bit rubbish. Where are the big guns and car chases? They obviously know nothing about heroics. They should have a chat with us." Other Brick reverted back towards the telly.

"Also mentions a new pub by the canal: The Cloak and Dagger."

"Are you saying this is an elaborate advert to get us to go for a pint?"

"I'm saying nothing, not after last time."

"You deserved that fine." Other Brick shuffled his head nearer to comfort.

"I'm not getting in to it again."

"You shouldn't have gotten into it last time. Then you wouldn't have been fined."

"So, are we going to this pub then?" Other Spiritwind put the folder back by the side of the sofa and slid in to a comfier position.

"Of course we are. Why deny the inevitable, maybe after a quick nap though, and a few films." Other Brick closed his eyes, safe in the knowledge they had a productive day ahead, once they could find room for it in their hectic schedule.

Contents
Chapter Twenty Six

"Very nice." Brick commented as he and Spiritwind surveyed their headquarters from the outside. The Cloak and Dagger was a friendly looking pub, its thatched roof practically a beaming smile and a welcoming cuddle.

Set in ample greenery, with a canal running by its side, benches with attached tables littered the grounds; a child's play area sat next to an enlarged version for adults. Magic declared he was going to park himself on Noel Hill to clear his hangover and try and remember what a ship was supposed to do with its life. Brick and Spiritwind decided to test the largest slide and headed towards the foam escalator that carried you to its summit, but had to reschedule as their henchmen arrived.

Bozo and Schmuk had already parked on Noel Hill. The mound was five minutes henchman jog away and the optimum landing spot for any visiting spacecraft. They had already changed in to their human disguise suits, squeezing their bulk into six and a half feet of dinner jacketed bouncers. It had made the run an altogether clammier affair, but all that was forgotten as they absorbed the pleasant nature of their surroundings.

"Can I help?" Brick queried the pair of well dressed joggers.

"Sorry, Boss. It's us." Bozo pulled the mouth of his suit up to reveal his eye and half a squashed nose.

"That does not look comfy. You should add to that your letter about the size of the accommodation. Shall we go inside?" Brick ushered the pair towards the entrance as Bozo lost himself in the breeze that tickled the slowly falling leaves of the ample trees.

The welcoming theme continued once through the doors. A pub of country standards shone with personality. Numerous tables and communal areas were primed for conversation and mindless debates, the chairs built for comfort over uniformity. The bar wrapped around a central block containing a walled off kitchen, pictures of the buildings original purpose of water powered milling adorning the walls. First impressions suggested nothing out of the ordinary, yet closer inspection revealed Brick and Spiritwind's own desired extras.

Following the bar's curvature they came across a back wall that gave access to several further rooms. The foursome explored, the heroic duo wondering just what they'd ordered during the montage.

"Film room, good idea, must have been mine, that one." Brick nodded at the sofa filled area, complete with wall sized screen at one end and mini-bar in each arm of the furniture. The snack wall made a mockery of a nutritionist's profession.

"Napping area, as you'd expect." Spiritwind whipped out a hot dog of approval. A twenty by twenty foot room was filled with double hammocks and cushions.

"I may refer to the napping area as my office." Brick barely had time to finish his sentence before leaping head first through the next door. A small, plastic ball trickled in to the corridor as the other three peered around the doorframe. A pool bar sat sunken into the floor, although instead of water there were balls. Brick splashed around, backstroking towards the circular provider of cocktails at the centre. The remaining three left him to it and shuffled along.

Spiritwind peered over a pair of saloon doors before turning to the henchmen. "If this is what I think it is, you two will be spending a lot of time in here." The bald nibbler stepped inside an old Western style bar, releasing a creak from the swing doors as he attempted to look menacingly at the empty pub within a pub. The henchmen followed. "Throw me at the mirror behind the bar." Spiritwind raised his arms in expectation. Bozo didn't know what to do. "Please. It isn't a test."

Bozo shrugged and picked up the bald landlord, launching him at the wall. Spiritwind smashed in to the mirror. It returned the compliment by smashing all over him. He slid towards the floor, through a shelf of bottles, and giggled from where he landed. Leaping back over the wooden counter, he knocked Bozo straight through a table before Brick appeared behind his friend and crashed a chair over his head. "Collapsible bar-brawl room!" Spiritwind explained as he lifted Brick on to the bar and slid him across it, through various drinks.

Schmuck understood and smashed a table over his recovering partner. Bozo threw his peer head first into the piano. Its self-playing tunes continued to pour out, the exposed hammers tapping out part of the melody on Schmuk's teeth.

Several minutes of mayhem ensued before they all caught each other's eyes and reverted to vague professionalism. It didn't stop Brick smashing one last bottle over Spiritwind's munching face.

Leaving the room, all damage instantly repaired itself. Nobody wished to question it in case it never happened again.

"What's this?" Schmuk pointed to what looked like a confessional booth from a church. It sat aimlessly against the wall at the far end of the bar.

"It's the single confessional." Brick stroked it in awe. "You get in the side applicable to your gender then push the light to say you're in; then your face appears on the screens around the pub. If anyone's been too shy to come over and start chatting they can pop in the other side of the booth. There's a bar in there too, in case you're waiting a while."

Schmuk didn't know what to say, or even if there was anything remotely appropriate.

"Introverts' Corner!" Spiritwind took a seat amongst the select number of armchairs that littered the area next to the booth, all pointing at different angles, facing away from each other. Introverts' Corner was a concept the duo had often discussed, usually after one had been waiting for the other to turn up to the pub. It was a place for those people who wished to sit and contemplate the world with a pint but without the social stigma of being in a pub alone. There were various books and papers scattered across functional, yet inherently ornate, tables.

Rounding the corner they found themselves at the far end of the bar, having completed a full lap.

"I thought Evil bases had to be filled with bugs and darkness, only partially lit by flickering flames." Bozo gave his opinion, and his confusion.

"Nobody told us that." Brick sat down and drove off on one of the motorised stools. "I'm just going to check the garden."

Spiritwind mirrored his friend's action. The henchmen shrugged and joined in the journey.

Outside were acres of land, but Brick headed for a series of intentionally placed balloons. As the others arrived, Brick had dismounted and climbed atop what was now clearly a space hopper. "Space Hopper Polo anyone?"

Before anyone could answer they were interrupted by the arrival of Nicole and Suzy.

"We saw the advert in the paper for bar staff. Are you still hiring?" Nicole winked in a manner Brick would never forget.

"Yes and yes. When can you start?" He discarded his hopper and walked towards them, ushering them inside. "Brilliant idea ladies; now we can work together in complete anonymity."

"And we get paid, right?" Nicole knew her rights.

"We all get paid, in the merits of another nail in the eyeball of Evil." Spiritwind shook his head at his friend's efforts at Hugo style wooing.

"Nails and eyeballs are all very well, but we still want an agreed hourly rate." Nicole was prepared to go to a tribunal if needed.

Spiritwind followed his friend and female peers inside, under the guise of paperwork. He wanted to ensure Brick didn't give the pub away in exchange for a snog before they'd even had a chance for a pint.

Bozo and Schmuk, who were endlessly fascinated by the space hoppers, remained outside as another plan fell effortlessly in to place. No matter which way the morals pointed, the bumbling duo had the knack.

Contents
Chapter Twenty Seven

"Gone?"

"Gone"

"Completely?" Dollop spun slowly inside Dip's office, allowing the carnage to find a place in his mind.

"I can't find any trace of him." Spon settled in to the only chair that had come close to surviving the destruction. It had lost two legs and its back, and the seat area was somewhat loose. Spon sat at a slant and ignored the resulting lean.

"Who would want to steal Dip?" Dollop poked the pile of debris at the centre of the stripped room.

"Not a clue, but he was a henchman a long time; must have made some enemies."

"It doesn't really work like that. Henchmen are seen as the executors for commands. Nobody really holds grudges against us. Could have been his nemesis?"

"Nemesis?" Spon put out a stabilising foot. The chair was failing as a piece of furniture.

"If you work in the game long enough you pick up a nemesis. There are only so many heroes and bad guys to go round. You get beaten once, you accept it as part of the job, but when the same grinning lump beats you a second time it starts to feel a little personal. By the fourth time you can quote their comebacks before they reel them off."

"So, is Hugo your nemesis?" Spon had tried to discuss the more intricate workings of henchman-ship with Dip in the past, but he always grew angry and ended up eating the notes Spon had brought along to their meetings.

"Maybe. Most of the ones I picked up retired falaars ago, or moved into security. He's one of the few heroes still active that I have any decent history with. I doubt I'm his though, and it has to be a two-way thing really. Probably doesn't even remember me, although after our last battle I'm done with feuds and nemeses.....sisses......so's? I see now we're only fighting ourselves." Dollop used the pile of carnage as a chair. It creaked, slipped a little then settled. The henchman thought back to the moment he broke Hugo's heart, before snapping out of the daze. "Did Dip ever mention a nemesis?"

"He didn't like to talk about his past. I gave up trying after he ate my car while I was giving him a lift to the shop. Ever such a long walk home, not to mention the atmosphere."

"Oh." Dollop sensed he should change the subject and moved back to the Chancellor's possible whereabouts. "I assume you checked the security system for any intruders?" The beastly lecturer wasn't over eager to find Dip but felt they should at least go through any protocol that may exist.

"Of course." Spon hadn't. He'd been too excited about his own promotion. He stood and turned to the wall, the chair giving up completely and turning to a pile of sticks as he did. The interface panel still worked although the crack that now ran through it meant clarity was an issue. Tapping a few screens, a big thumbs-up appeared alongside a loving sigh. "Says everything's alright, has been all day, and probably will be forever?"

"I guess it'll remain a mystery then." Dollop leant back further. Both men were happy with the new hierarchy.

The pair stared silently, Spon out of the window, Dollop into a corner. The henchman considered the path he and Hugo had taken, their meetings at every stage of their career. Was he really his nemesis? The new Chancellor pondered on a decorative theme for his office.

As the silence grew uncomfortable, Dollop spoke out. "So, what will you do now?"

"Tidy up for a start. I was thinking about getting one of those old jukeboxes for the corner....."

"I was thinking more about the future of the university, now it's under your control."

"Oh that. I'll continue with the plan to take us into the slipstream of heroics, with Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload guiding us there. Only without Dip, I see no need to wipe them out. I'd like to keep them around. They have insights Evil has only had nightmares about."

"You really think they're that good? Bad? Good?" Dollop covered all angles of adjectives. He'd seen enough false dawns to not take a picture of this one just yet.

"You saw for yourself, back at my house, how easily success comes to them. All they need is tweaking on presentation, and if they can't, we'll use their lack of public appearances to add mystery to their legend. Use them purely as consultants."

"It was impressive, but taking over a garden hardly makes you the new dawn of Evil. I could have secured your garden for you." Dollop's careful cynicism spoke out over his initial appreciation.

"But you would have intimidated it out of him. And we both know you'd step on a rake and knock yourself out, or slip down a hill at the crucial moment. It was the style they did it in, and the watertight nature; a contract of all things." Spon lost himself in admired wonder.

"Could have been a fluke? I've been defeated by them enough times."

"When do bad guys ever benefit from flukes, unless it makes their downfall all the harder? No, I've had a feeling about them from the moment they walked in."

Dollop bit his lip. Feelings were never any justification for such faith, unless you were a hero relying on your intuition.

"Anyway, I've assigned myself the assessment duties for Dag and Corsetry's final exam, meaning we have to go down to their planet and observe them until the mission is over. I also suspect Dip set his own plan in motion to ensure they never made it off the planet. Don't think he trusted me to see them cast away. We have to stop whatever he arranged."

"We?" Dollop sat up, suspicious of the all inclusive nature of Spon's words.

"Yes Dollop; me and you. I see the glint in your eye of unfinished business, and you're an amiable chap to stand alongside. How would you like to be the new Vice Chancellor?"

"Really? I'm honoured obviously but I came here for a quiet life, time to work on my memoirs."

"You didn't really think a beast of your lifestyle could just idle their way in to retirement, surely?"

"I was hoping, but life never seems to turn out the way I hope."

"That's because hope and reality are two separate worlds, each feeding the other but never sharing a romantic date. How about one final effort, one that you can shape to your own philosophy? Put all that experience and cynicism in to practice?" Spon tilted his head in a manner that suggested you couldn't turn him down.

"It would be nice to avoid the pitfalls I so often had to knowingly walk in to, and to warn others of what they face." Dollop stroked his chin, he needed a shave.

"So come with me, and bring your best thoughts rather than your hardest punch, although maybe pack your punch too. It's always nice to know it's there if needed."

Dollop paused then allowed a smile of knowing to pass across his features. A half hearted salute accompanied his words. "You're the boss."

"Yes, I am aren't I?" Spon let the idea sink in for a moment. "Come on." Spon stood and led Dollop out of the room, towards the ship that awaited them. It had been programmed to find a quaint pub by a canal, one where Evil hoped to crown its new princes.

Contents
Chapter Twenty Eight

Hugo strode purposefully from one bush to the next. His human suit covered the majority of his bulk, his head remained un-hooded, creating an incredibly out of proportion man bounding his way towards a scenic pub on an increasingly popular Earth planet.

After delivering Dip to the Hero's Guild, Hugo felt destiny had urged him to report the success to Nicole and Suzy; it was either that or his libido. Both felt similar as age garnered his bones.

Having parked Chieftain upon Noel Hill, the ultimate hero had jogged to The Cloak and Dagger. Finding a window, he peered in. The sight of Nicole and Suzy behind the bar dragged his desire towards the entrance, and where Hugo's desire went the mountain of hope followed, quickly applying his hood as they went.

"Good evening my fellow normal folk." Hugo's smug grin shone through any outfit. The hands on hips posture didn't have quite the same air coming from a t-shirted chap of minimal muscle tone. "What a pub. Perhaps the greatest man will ever know. And I wish to be even the smallest part of this magnificent machine." Hugo leant on the bar and stared worryingly at Suzy. She twitched a warning. Even without her hero lycra on show, the threat was still clear from beneath the blouse and skirt combination.

Brick and Spiritwind had been talking the two feminine wonders through the process of pouring ale. If they intended to collect a wage they may as well learn how to pull a pint, plus it was a useful skill to fall back on, should they ever wish to take a summer off and work the festival circuit.

Bozo and Schmuk's faces appeared around the bar, a subtle nod asking Brick if this newest patron should be ejected rather quickly. After popping three space hoppers the beastly pair had decided to make use of the Western Bar instead. The new landlord signalled they could deal with the customer, leaving the duo to return to flinging each other in to walls.

"Are you okay?" Brick couldn't help but be concerned by Hugo's shuffling postures and endless grin.

"I'm always fine, even though the level of naughty in this universe continues to try to tell me otherwise."

"Does he remind you of anyone?" Spiritwind wandered from the kitchen to behind the bar. He'd brought bowls of various nuts to accompany the teaching of ale pouring.

"Are you thinking of the guy that played Poirot, because I keep telling you he wasn't that old in real life?" Brick had only one guess.

"There is something sickeningly familiar about him." Nicole stepped forward, nearer to the familiar stranger. "Would you like a drink?"

"Ah the beverage of man, how would he fuel his confidence without it? No need to answer. I will partake, but I also seek to galvanise the team I sense behind the trimmings and plaster of this building."

"Are you asking for a job?" Brick knew exactly how to interpret waffle.

"Anything to be a part of the inevitable push of good ale, especially when it's down the throat of evil, luminous, bottled drinks." Hugo spun, dislodging his hood half an inch to the right. His misaligned features continued to beam.

"How are you with cocktails? We need a permanent barman in the pool." Brick continued, oblivious.

"Your face has come loose, Hugo." Nicole exposed the hunk.

"You recognise my essence even beneath such a disguise?" Hugo flourished forward, removing his hood and creating the oddly proportioned man once more. "Surely a sign our souls can never lie to each other."

"I knew he was familiar." Spiritwind awarded himself half a smug wince.

"It's that Hugo bloke. Don't know where you got Poirot from." Brick offered recognition and a rebuke. "What are the odds of you turning up in our pub?"

"Not that high, as somebody predicted it back in the montage." Spiritwind didn't have a tie on, but shuffled his neck where one would be if he did.

"Nobody likes a smug man." Brick refused to lavish praise on his chum.

"A smug man is content with his own adoration, hence his sentiment."

"Hugo has a very annoying habit of coincidentally turning up wherever we go. He's been with us for the last docile (two weeks), observing our observing of you two." Nicole revealed the truth.

"I'd just like to point out, Hugo, that I don't do that every night. It's just been very stressful....." Brick threw forth an unnecessary explanation.

"We weren't there every minute. Although I'm glad you don't." Nicole shook away the embarrassment. "We've been trying to get rid of him, and thought we had when we sent him to deliver Dip to Velos 19."

"Your package has indeed been delivered, with a swirl and a thump that nobody asked for, but everyone appreciated."

"Well, thank you Hugo, but there was no need to come back."

"You can still have that job as cocktail barman though, if you want it?" Brick sipped one of the tester ales and smiled.

"I accept, with a pride that will burn in to the heart of every shake and shimmy."

"I'll presume that's a yes." Everyone looked at Brick with curiosity at why he would do such a thing. "What? We need a cocktail guy. And who else are we going to bring in to this situation? May as well be someone else who isn't who they're pretending to be." Brick took another sip as the others realised it made about as much sense as anything else. He laid down a few rules of employment. "You'll have to keep that hood up though, and act as our employee. Bozo and Schmuk think we're genuine Evil students. We don't want to ruin the illusion."

"Yes, boss. Together we can make the world a drunker place."

"Of course we can. Your uniform's in the back. You'll need a pseudonym too, how about Harry Jalapeno?"

"At your service." Hugo did a vague salute and passed through the doors into the changing room.

Brick smirked and spoke to himself. "Steal our universe saving thunder will you. Well, we'll see who's working every weekend without fail." Brick chuckled as Hugo opened the locker to find a boater and pink tuxedo. Maybe he should have asked for an extra pound an hour.

By the time Hugo had changed and returned the bar, it was filled with ales and beers of every kind. The practice was going well.

"Ladies, a good bar person also understands what they are serving. We must consume all of this and test the ambient running of our fine establishment." Brick dipped between three increasingly darkening ales before taking them all.

"If you say it's essential." Nicole picked up the nearest drink and downed it in one go. Suzy mirrored her friend.

Brick looked on in gaping awe. "I think I finally understand love."

"You don't even understand the serving suggestion on a box of cornflakes." Spiritwind's mockery had no impact as Brick continued to stare.

"By the light of hops and barley." Hugo stood behind the group, awaiting attention.

"That isn't a sentence, you know that don't you?" Brick snapped out of his daze.

"My words are judged not on meaning but on the hope they imbue...." Hugo sneakily picked up a pint as he strolled purposefully. ".....the light they bring to the darkness, the....." Words ceased as he tried to down his own pint. After spilling a quarter down his shirt, he had to give up. "Gadzooks, you are fine beasts of devourment." He turned in awe to Nicole and Suzy.

"How about we finish this lot and then we can move on to your bar, Hugo? There are many cocktails we have to work through, and equally test." Brick was enjoying Evil as much as heroics. It just seemed to be one big drinking session no matter who you were fighting for.

"Sounds like a day the Gods would cherish, if I hadn't usurped their place in the universe's affections many aeons ago." Hugo's smile had no place so close to a pint of understated ale.

"I'm sure the more of these I have the more likeable your nonsense will become." Brick finished off his second pint and ushered everyone towards a booth in the corner, picking up as many drinks as his limbs would allow. Nicole and Suzy applied logic and grabbed a tray each. Spiritwind quickly nipped in the back. The peanuts were emptying at a worrying pace.

Contents
Chapter Twenty Nine

The gentle stroll from Noel Hill to The Cloak and Dagger had been a useful time of contemplation for both Spon and Dollop, each lost in daydreams of a future filled with more pleasant fields than damp dungeons. Why did they have to risk constant chest infections and sit in puddles just because they wanted to take things over?

Coming in to sight of the pub, the duo paused to check each other's disguise; many an Evil plot had failed due to somebody's ear ending up where their foot should be. For any passing observer they may have wondered why two smartly dressed business men were in a field, tugging at their peer's nose and cheek, but they would never suspect Evil was here to massage a new regime into place.

************

The ambient testing of The Cloak and Dagger had stretched on for longer than anyone could argue it needed to. Eighteen hours drinking had scattered them throughout the inn, chasing various drunken ends. Brick had eventually fallen asleep in the single confessional, nobody had responded to his dribbling face pressed firmly against the camera, while Bozo, Schmuk and Hugo had spent the majority of their time in the Western Bar before heading to Hugo's cocktail emporium for a night-cap and a chat that could be held between friends of many years. The ball pool had proved a worthy bed for them all.

Nicole, Suzy and Spiritwind's last memory involved chasing each other around the pub on the motorised stools. Nobody could remember why, but all felt sure they'd ended the night as the victor. They'd slept in whichever booth they happened to be sat in when consciousness had escaped them.

With the dawning of the new day, and afternoon creeping up, the pub's occupants had stumbled back to life and attempted to reunite as one group, only slowly and with apologetic eyes.

Bozo, Schmuk and Hugo had joined Suzy and Nicole in the corner booth where it had all started. Nobody had the same anticipation of fun from the previous afternoon.

Spiritwind had been up long enough to prepare breakfast for everybody.

Having already placed three plates of goods on the table, he returned to collect the rest; his path interrupted by Brick falling out of the single confessional and into a pile on the floor.

"Howdo." Spiritwind stepped over his friend, imparting his usual greeting on the way.

"Marvellous, just been checking the inside of the confessional."

"How is it?"

"Well, it has one." It was more than either man had hoped for. Brick's memory ran through everything he could remember before it threatened an asthma attack and had to slow to a gentle stroll instead. Neither speed revealed anything of use.

Brick attempted to stand up. By the time he'd achieved his full height, Spiritwind was on another lap of breakfast delivery. He followed his friend to find everyone else from the party, sat motionless. They shared an expression of confusion and blank guilt, concern for any potentially offensive actions over the last few hours.

Brick only had one response to the multitude of bowls before him. "I'm going to get some water, anyone else?"

"Yes." "Juice." "Something fizzy." "Please help." "By migraines and stomach aches, what poison is this?" The response was varied but understood.

Brick returned with a tray of various hangover safe liquids, keeping his head as still as possible as he walked. Spiritwind arrived at the same time, making his final delivery of bread to go with the meats. The bald pub owner tucked straight in, only to be interrupted by the sound of somebody entering the premises.

Having forgotten to lock the doors since arriving, the pub was technically open, and two smartly dressed business folk wished to take advantage. Seven heads reacted by making varying degrees of effort to peer around the seating area.

"Customers, how nice." Brick's sarcasm was cloaked by pain.

"Would they appear the kind of men who wish to suffer cocktails at this hour?" Hugo barely lifted his head.

"The rate you were slapping them back, I doubt there are any ingredients left." Spiritwind dipped a deep fried stick of cheese into a pot of something cooling and mayonnaise based.

"My honour is my promise of repayment." Hugo's raised hand was as good as a contract.

"I suppose they're expecting a barmaid of some sort?" Nicole eased to her full height and guided herself behind the bar, using every piece of furniture as support along the way.

"And a host." Brick took a swig of his water and stood up. The liquid crashed against his empty insides. Only time would reveal if it would stay there.

Spon and Dollop stood at the bar, perusing the surroundings with an equal air of comfort and intrigue.

"Morning gentlemen, or is it afternoon? Time is not the issue." Brick stumbled along, his stomach still wondering what he wanted it to do with the water. "My name is Dag Nammit. Welcome to our wholesome building of fun and drunken expression." The flourish of the hand merely knocked Brick off balance. Nicole remained at the pumps, holding on for her life. Hugo strolled past in the background. A splash of balls followed not long after, accompanied by the start of a heroic sounding snore. Spiritwind continued dipping his snacks while Bozo and Schmuk stayed still, ready to pounce should trouble stir, but hoping beyond hope they weren't needed. Suzy didn't even have the energy to try and stare menacingly at the visitors.

"Good afternoon, Mr Nammit. This is indeed a lovely place. Me and my colleague were just passing through on business. Do you serve lunch?" Spon remained in character.

"Dinner!" Spiritwind shouted over from the booth, chewing a sandwich of wonder.

"Sorry?" Spon didn't understand

"We serve breakfast, dinner and tea. If you want lunch I'm afraid you'll have to dine down south." Spiritwind made himself clear as he stood to join the chat. He could see Brick was useless at this moment in time.

"He does have a point." Brick backed up his friend.

"We just want food." Dollop stepped in, his forceful persona spilling from the suit. Bozo and Schmuk stirred, but it was more due to discomfort than eagerness for battle.

"Then take a booth. Drinks, although if you want cocktails you may have to wait a few hours?" The snoring signalled the pool bar's status.

"Pints?" Spon wasn't sure of pub etiquette.

"Indeed." Brick turned to see Nicole asleep on a pump. He ushered over to her. "Maybe you and Suzy should go to the nap room for a bit? We can cover things here."

"You're my hero." Nicole didn't hesitate and oozed her way from behind the bar in a way Brick thought only cartoons could do. She gestured towards Suzy as the pair wandered towards the room of hammocks and rest. Brick felt sure he and Nicole were now connected in a way only love songs understood.

Spiritwind had devoured his snack and presented the business pair with his menu while Brick poured a round for everyone, including him and the bald chef. He thought he'd give his stomach something to chew on while it decided what to do with the water.

After delivering the drinks to their only customers, Brick and Spiritwind retired to a bar stool each, chin in one hand and pint in the other. After a few moments perusal of the menu, Spon invited the duo to join them in their booth. They duly obliged.

"You don't recognise us, do you?" Spon pointed at himself and Dollop.

"Am I in further trouble if I say no? Am I even in trouble?" Brick wished he'd sent himself for a nap.

"Not at all." Spon pulled back his hood, as did Dollop. "It's us."

"Crikey. Is this about the towels, because surely a bit of theft is a good thing at Evil Uni?"

"Towels? Not at all, this is far more important."

"Is it the wardrobes?"

"Wardrobes? How would you even.....Never mind. Listen, Dip Sing has gone missing....."

"That definitely wasn't us. Even we understand the Chancellor isn't a complimentary item." Brick's knee-jerk comment covered any body language that may suggest they knew exactly where the Chancellor had gone, and who had took him.

"We know that. The point is we don't think he's coming back, which makes me the new Chancellor." Spon beamed.

"Are you here for a gift, because we really didn't know anything about it until you just said? You can have your dinner for free if you want?" Brick looked for any easily detachable fittings that could be considered a present.

"Maybe you should just let me talk for a minute." Spon tried to address the interruptions. Brick closed his mouth and nodded to suggest he'd try. "As Chancellor I have a whole host of ideas I want to implement, damp proofing dungeons for one. Do you know how much money we lose on sick days from dungeon staff?"

The length of pause suggested somebody should answer. Brick felt that meant him. "Is it a trick question, because you don't actually pay your staff?"

"Of course we pay our staff. We're Evil, not mean. The point is; I have a vision to take Evil in an altogether more heroic direction, but to do that I need an emblem of the University's success, a figurehead, or heads, that people will aspire to be, the physical embodiment of our new approach and the riches it can bring."

"You appear to be looking at us." Spiritwind spoke for the increasingly confused pair.

"You see. You even get the subtlety of this conversation. Evil would have fallen out of the window by mistake by now."

"But we have no riches of success. We're notoriously skint on any scale you wish to measure wealth upon." Brick made a very important point.

"Maybe at the minute, but that's why we're here." Spon grinned a knowing grin. Dollop was busy imagining the plate of burgers he intended to order. "Dip and myself had this planned out before he went wherever it is he's gone. We were just looking for the right people to bring the message to the universe."

"You and Dip, because I couldn't help feeling that guy hated us." Spiritwind found a sausage in his pocket.

"Well, we did have a slight difference of opinion, but I convinced him eventually."

"There's a 'but' in here somewhere." Brick squeezed his eyelids together in an effort to suggest suspicious wisdom.

"You see. This is why I picked you, such insight." Spon considered asking for an autograph. "There is a 'but'. Dip thought we should use your philosophy and teachings in your absence. Hold you up as martyrs of Evil rather than active agents. I disagreed. No big deal."

"That depends on how we were going to be martyred?" Spiritwind wished he'd found two sausages.

"We're still trying to work that out. I'm sure it'll be fine though. Are the burgers any good here?" Spon tried to brush past the issue.

"Whatever you think a burger should be, forget it and prepare for a new definition to be implanted in your mind." Brick dealt with the burger part of the statement.

"Hold on. If you were planning this together why don't you know how we were going to be wiped out? And why haven't you put a stop to it now that you're in control?" Spiritwind picked up the more life threatening topic.

"You know how Evil is. Dip felt obliged to counter any double cross I may have planned by instigating his own mission to ensure you were left eradicated after your success. With cheese or without?"

"Always with, and the beer battered bacon."

"And you have no idea what he was going to do or whether we're still in danger?" Spiritwind was finding it harder to move on from potential death.

"Beer battered bacon? Genius. I'm sure it will be fine, Corsetry. Just be on your guard for any suspicious behaviour. Do the bacon chips have actual bacon in them?"

"A strip in each chip." Brick smiled at one of his proudest menu slogans.

The door swung open as further custom entered. Spiritwind thanked his hero timing for making the next comment so easy to fit in to the context of the conversation. "Suspicious behaviour; you mean like that?" The bald hero pointed over Spon's head to the two new customers. It was Other Brick and Other Spiritwind.

"Your nemesii, sis, sises, at your headquarters already! This must be Dip's doing." Spon went cold at the thought of two grade five heroes. Dollop believed a starter to his burgers may have just walked in.

"I wouldn't be so sure." Brick felt fairly confident it wasn't genuinely himself and Spiritwind, the true grade five heroes, who'd come in, although if they insisted he wouldn't put up a fight. He wasn't clued up enough to argue about time and dimensions with himself from another universe. "We told you; our Good twins were designed to look like two people already built in to the Earth program. They have a doppelganger on every planet at this point in the cycle. I expect these are the version from here." Brick stood, impressed with his memory for mission detail and promising it a gift at some point in the future. .

"Welcome to the Cloak and Dagger." Brick approached Other Brick and Other Spiritwind.

"Cheers." Other Brick responded.

"Howdo." Other Spiritwind finished off a pasty.

"Free first round for every new customer." Brick invited them along to the bar as he took up a serving position behind it. Spon looked sheepishly in their direction.

"Would it be cheeky to order chasers? Nice hair by the way." Other Brick pushed the offer.

"My friend, chasers are standard with every order." Dollop wondered if that stretched to food. Maybe things would be clearer after a few drinks. "And may I reciprocate the follicle appreciation."

Spiritwind approached the bar, offering Other Spiritwind a chicken leg upon arrival.

"We may have only just entered but I think this may be the greatest pub in the world." Other Spiritwind accepted the offer, and threw in praise, along with the offer of a chocolate biscuit.

"Wait until you see the nap room." Brick had already commenced pouring the first ale and proceeded to line up the chasers.

"Nap room? You should re-name this place Heaven." Other Brick accepted the first shot glass.

"Ah, but then it would be full, and you'd have to queue for the laser arena." Brick continued to pour.

"They get on very well, considering they could be on opposing sides of Good and Evil." Dollop's suspicion was raised as he watched the pantomime in front of him.

"Exactly; charming too, when is Evil ever charming? They are a wonder. More importantly, which burger do you want?"

"It's got to be the Bigger Than Your Momma Special, with extra deep fried peanuts, times four."

The Cloak and Dagger trundled towards profit as the layers of identities and pseudonyms of the patrons continued to increase at a frantic pace.

Contents
Chapter Thirty

Bum-Raa awoke with a grunt and a confused stare, a leaf stuck to his cheek.

He and his henchmen had spent the last twenty four hours in a bush across the canal from The Cloak and Dagger.

"What have I missed?" Bum nudged Jiggery, who had equally taken the chance for a nap. Only Yakkety had maintained consciousness.

"You missed a squirrel looking confused before scampering up a tree, a gust of wind that was very unpleasant, a car in the distance, a very friendly spider....."

"Anything in the pub?" Bum added specifics.

"Oh, the pub. Last night there were lots of sounds of fun, shadows at the window moving in a dancing manner, I do love a good dance. Doctor once told me I had the perfect hips for dancing. They carried on until daylight, then nothing until a couple of businessmen went in, I expect for a high powered lunch, or maybe just a quick sandwich before knocking on more doors in the hope of a sale or two...." Bum regretted asking. "....those two fella's you spoke to when we landed, they went in. Looked far more alert this time; a tree looked at me funny, I grimaced....."

"Do you mean Rick and Biritvind, the planet's heroes?"

"That was their names; been driving me potty for ages trying to remember that. Flick and Moribund was the closest I got."

Bum ignored Yakkety and spoke to himself in a manner only overlords can: wistfully to the world around them, taking care not to look directly into the lens of the camera they imagined was filming them. "Surely they wouldn't have the showdown this early, and especially not in a pub. Even Westerns take their business out in to the street. We have to go in there." Bum scrabbled around for his human hood and arm sheath. "Come on." He beckoned to his guards who were still disguised as joggers, complete with leggings and tiny shorts.

The three struggled to their feet and hobbled across the lock that ran over the canal. Being sat under a bush for so long had introduced all manner of cramp to their limbs and made the simple crossing all the more dangerous.

Eventually arriving inside they were met with a somewhat unexpected scene, although expectations appeared futile with all the twists and turns the adventure was incorporating.

Stool jousting was underway at the far end of the pub. Bozo was the current champion and beckoned anyone to take on the challenge. Dollop had just accepted and armed himself with a pool cue, his head protected by fruit bowl that had no place amongst such debauchery. They revved their stools as Hugo emerged from the back, a tray of cocktails all expertly shaken and delivered with honour. It had been several hours since Other Brick and Other Spiritwind had arrived, meaning a whole new party had begun. It appeared the old saying about hair and dogs held much merit.

Nicole noticed the new customers and stopped twirling Other Brick. The power nap had worked wonders for her energy levels, and reminded her hero powers that in a room full of single men there was ample opportunity to strike up an adventure based romance. After her bleary eyes had struck soft focus contact with the oblivious Earthling, the path had been set. Other Brick had instantly presumed her untouchable other than with endless desire, and grew increasingly confused at her apparent fondness for somebody so clearly not up to her physical perfection.

Nicole wandered behind the bar to serve the new customers. "Can I help?" She continued to wave and smile to Other Brick.

"Erm, yes." Bum-Raa was unsure of pub procedure and stood motionless, wondering what happened next.

"Care to tell me how?" The feminine perfection glanced briefly at the trio.

"We want to be like them." Jiggery stepped in and pointed to the revel-some gang in the corner.

"Then you'll need these." Nicole lined up a series of shots followed by several shorts with mixers.

"How much?" Bum rifled through his pockets. He had endless cash he'd printed for his own mission.

Nicole waved a hand. "It doesn't work like that in here."

"Then how does it work?"

"They're concerns above my pay grade I'm afraid." Nicole smiled, left the drinks, and followed her eyes back towards Other Brick.

Bum, Jiggery and Yakkety gripped their selection of drinks and picked a booth on the opposite side of the pub, with a clear view of the group. They sat, Bum keeping his eye on the party all the time.

"Well, isn't this pleasant." Yakkety spoke whilst downing shots along with breaks for breath. "Very homely, nice wallpaper too. Ooh, a menu. I do love a carvery. I wonder if they have one......" Bum and Jiggery could only mirror the quick method of drinking.

***********

Several hours had passed and conversation had inevitably erupted between the only two groups in the bar. Dollop, Bozo, Hugo, Schmuk, Jiggery and Yakkety had retreated to the Western bar, throwing each other around in endless delight. Nicole and Suzy had cornered Other Brick and Other Spiritwind in a booth. Suzy had been equally inspired towards love and thought she'd keep things simple by pairing up with Other Brick's partner. Other Spiritwind was equally delighted and bamboozled at the attention, and slightly terrified of the beating he felt sure was coming from the barmaid. Brick, Spiritwind and Spon were playing the electronic quiz built into each table top, but Bum-Raa remained alone. He wasn't a sociable drunk, more the angry man swearing at the world he couldn't see. Somehow he'd managed to blame Dag and Corsetry for the fact that everyone was having fun but him. The pair had asked if he wanted to join them on numerous occasions, even throwing questions at him that came up on the quiz, but Bum-Raa was happy sulking, cursing the duo he felt sure were out to destroy his life.

Other Brick's bladder sent a message to his legs. It asked them to stand and take it somewhere socially acceptable to do what was required. Other Brick made the various gestures and utterances to shimmy past Nicole, who pinched his bum on the way. He convinced himself it was merely desire tricking his senses and pottered through the pub with the deluded rhythm and smile of an intoxicated fool.

"Psssst." Bum-Raa saw his chance for a word as Other Brick strolled past.

"Are you hissing at me?" Other Brick asked in his most non-confronting voice.

"I'm trying to attract your attention."

"Then it has worked." Other Brick held his arms up in victory.

"Erm, right; may I congratulate you on your plan to infiltrate the enemy. You have clearly gained their trust, true professionals."

"Enemy?"

"I would have taken a far more aggressive approach, but that's the story of my error strewn life. So what do you intend to do next?" Bum leant forward in eagerness.

"Go to the toilet." Other Brick wondered if he should sit at Bum's table.

"Excellent. Got a ray gun hidden in there? No of course not. It's far too early. We, I mean you, should wait until they're all passed out. Been pretending to drink have you?"

"Doesn't feel like it, feels pretty real this extra confidence. I even seem to be doing reasonably well with an attractive woman. I say well, she hasn't slapped me yet. I must be leathered."

"You don't recognise me do you; of course, this disguise." Bum checked if anyone else was looking before lifting his hood momentarily. His face remained the same.

"I don't entirely understand what just happened there. Is that a fake beard? Is that what you did?"

"It's a fake face. We met yesterday morning. I gave you the necklace."

"We did?" Other Brick looked down at his chest, nearly sending him tumbling towards the floor while trying to remember the morning in question. In his mind, morning simply occurred whenever the bridge of sleep between days had been crossed, within his own bed, irrelevant of time, and Bum had formed no part of his previous day in the living room.

"Yes, in the street." Bum nodded in a knowing manner.

"My street?"

"I hope it was your street." Bum looked ready to launch a slap.

"Ah, but hope is a dream without foundation in truth." It meant nothing, both men knew it.

Bum ruled out such idiocy from the inbuilt heroes of Earth and presumed there was an undertone to the conversation he wasn't following. He aired his theory. "Are you trying to maintain your cover with your aloof and incoherent approach to me? Are they monitoring us?"

"If I say yes will you look less likely to punch me?" Other Brick remembered how much he needed a wee.

"Of course." Bum spoke loudly, peering towards everyone so they could hear. "Eight o clock kick off, that's when the big match starts. You've been incredibly informative young stranger that I do not know." Bum tapped his nose in the direction of Other Brick.

"I really have to go to the toilet now."

"And on your way you must go. Thank you, whatever your name and profession may be." Bum laughed as though a charming conversation had ended. Other Brick scuttled towards the bathroom, the urge building the nearer he got to being able to release it.

He decided to take the long way back to his seat, the one that didn't involve any conversations he apparently had no right being in.

Contents
Chapter Thirty One

Brick and Spiritwind sat at the bar of their pub, or evil headquarters if you believe in sticking to the description on the university's tax return. Spon had long since fallen asleep, Other Brick and Other Spiritwind were hemmed in to a booth, their faces filled with puzzled expressions as Nicole and Suzy sat on either side staring longingly towards them, although Suzy's fist remained clenched. Hugo, Bozo, Schmuk, Jiggery, Dollop and Yakkety hadn't been seen for hours as the crashing continued to emanate from the Western Bar. They'd moved away from outright fighting and were performing tricks. Bum was slumped over his table, murmuring unconscious fluff into a spilt drink.

Brick and Spiritwind looked around the room at the scene before them, then at each other. Two days of drinking had clearly got in the way of their mission. The scene inspired a thought in Brick. "If there's anything I've learned from heroics, other than to lower your expectations of life as a hero, it's that there's a reason everyone is here in this room. A reason bigger than simply this being the greatest pub any mind has ever conceived."

"There do appear to be a lot of drunken jigsaw pieces in various states of stupor. What do you suggest?" Spiritwind shook the end of his bag of pork scratchings to one easily tipped corner and emptied the snack into his mouth. As he turned the resulting litter in to a neat triangle through origami, he perused the occupants.

"Why don't you explain who everyone is and why they're here? Perhaps hearing it loud out will tease puzzle glue to ooze from our minds." Brick had a plan.

"Am I doing the explaining because you're not entirely sure?" Spiritwind didn't mind, he just preferred to work on a truthful footing.

"A little bit."

"Okay then, but I may need a pen and some graph paper."

"We have neither. Would a shot of rum help?"

"Possibly more than the pen and paper." Brick jumped up to get the rum and numerous glasses as Spiritwind focused his attention on everybody present. The bald man proceeded to fold his legs, rest his elbow on his knee, and lean forward in an instructive manner, wafting a vaguely pointed finger around the room. After three attempts at speaking, and two tours of everybody present, he eventually found the words and the order to say them in. Brick had long since returned and poured several shots each.

"Right, this is our pub, which we obtained as part of an Evil undergraduate course we've been accidentally enrolled on."

"We're starting with the basics. I like it. Thorough." Both men downed a shot in celebration. Brick rubbed his hands and folded his legs. His friend made it look comfortable.

"The two barmaids in the corner are actually grade three heroes, who, whilst on their own mission to kidnap the Chancellor of Evil University, stumbled upon us. Somehow they recognised us as grade five heroes and have assumed we're on an undercover mission to bring down Evil rather than being two unfortunate drunks who woke up in the wrong place. They're now tagging along for the experience, and I guess some of the eventual credit they presume we'll gain."

"And so we can snog them as the adventure reaches its crescendo." Brick still wondered how the moment would occur. He had it narrowed down to either amidst burning rubble or hanging off a cliff.

"Really?" Spiritwind turned around to the quad of blossoming love, although Other Brick and Other Spiritwind just looked outright confused. "Because they look quite comfy over there. Not sure there's any room for us."

"But I thought one of our hero powers was to bump in to single women on a mission and fall slowly in love through a bickering melee?" Brick had considered tattooing the clause on his hand.

"It is, but they're heroes too. They have their own love story to follow, and I fear they've chosen the other us's." Both heroes paused to take in the growing love story. Other Brick and Other Spiritwind offered a shrug to the watching pair.

"I felt sure me and Nicole had a connection. She gave me 'a look'." Brick prepared for another heartbreak, unfolding his legs at the same time; it was making him unstable and liable to topple from his stool.

"You thought the cat from number eighteen gave you 'a look'."

"It's not my fault my desire transcends species." Brick clearly felt it was a burden.

"So......" Spiritwind could only counter the point with outright ignorance. "......the two blokes in the corner, with the aforementioned women, are the version of you and I that live on this Earth franchise that we have been assigned to take over. Why they are in the pub, we're still waiting to find out, but the situation and our hero narrative suggests it's more than a coincidence."

"I think they're up to no good." Brick had decided to try and take a dislike to himself in retribution for stealing his love interest.

"We're up to no good." Spiritwind pointed between himself and Brick. "We're here to take over the planet in the name of Evil. If anything, they're here to stop us, which makes them the goodies. By rights we should be helping them."

Brick lost all concept of good and bad and what was best to do. He chose to down another shot rather than worry about it.

Spiritwind mirrored his friend's tipple before continuing. "Our two bouncers are studying to be henchmen at Evil University and have ended up as our muscle. They think we're just two oddballs they were unlucky to bump in to and have no aspiration or agenda other than obtaining a good grade."

"I can't dislike him. His hair is just too dreamy." Brick struggled to hate his other self.

"The two travelling businessmen, who are actually the new Chancellor of the University and the head of henchman training, who also, in a nice twist, previously worked for the bad guy we defeated to earn our grade five hero status; think we're the identical twins of our Good selves only with an Evil take on life. They want us to go on to great success and lead a whole new philosophy of Evil, little realising that we are in fact the very heroes we claim to be our nemesiseseseses."

"Did we actually agree to go through with that whole 'new figureheads of Evil' business, because it sounds like a lot of work, and I'm not sure the Hero Council will be too happy about us working to defeat them?" Brick played with the touch screen till as he spoke. His interest was waning.

"I think we were decidedly non-committal about the whole affair."

"So who's the guy in the corner?" Brick pointed towards the still comatose, Bum.

"I don't think we've worked that out yet." The pair pointed their focus at the table.

"He's definitely familiar." Brick was first to offer his opinion.

"Do we have to go through the fact you think everyone's familiar?"

"Everyone is. There are only so many ways to make a face."

Spiritwind withdrew from the debate and tried to remember where he was up to on the list. He counted through on his fingers. "Our cocktail barman is actually the number one hero in the universe, who stole our glory after we saved all existence. Apparently he fancies our barmaids and is here to try and woo a quick snog out of them. He outright refuses to acknowledge any memory of us and the fact that we saved the universe while he was relaying monologues and posturing to nobody but himself, but for some reason everyone has chosen to accept his version of events, leaving us relatively unrewarded and unacknowledged."

"He's the guy from our class, the one that sat behind us tutting all the time. Only he's painted his beard and hidden his tool arm." Brick re-folded his legs in excitement, and ordered a sausage butty for table twelve by mistake.

"What, the one that sent his henchmen to question our henchmen about us?" Spiritwind double checked his sentence to make sure it was right.

"I'm certain." Brick was also certain that mixing red and white wine made rose`, so his suspicions were not always worthy of trust.

"Then the two joggers he's with must be those very henchmen, in disguise."

"They must have been the last outfits in the bin. Surely you wouldn't choose such leggings."

Spiritwind paused, semi biting his lip and gazing towards the corner of the room. He downed a shot as one coherent story began to emerge from his mind. By the time he placed his glass on the bar, he had it. "I think I understand exactly what's going on."

"Does it include why we never get to snog any hot women?" Brick consoled himself with another drink and a wistful stare towards Nicole.

"I think I already understand that." Spiritwind was very aware of the impression he and his friend gave to the opposite sex. "If that is Bum-Braa, then all this makes perfect sense."

"Hold on a minute, I think I'm getting something too." Brick sat up, fuelled by inspiration and the desire for more rum. "Are you thinking Bum-Braa was sent by Dip to tip off the planet's heroes about our plan and told us, them, the thems that are us but not us, by mistake?" Brick effortlessly glued the clues together, in a slightly wonky fashion.

"It wouldn't be the first time the mistake was made." Spiritwind raised his 'life is that ridiculous' eyebrow.

"So we have turned up to thwart us?" Brick turned slowly, pointing a squinted grimace towards the booth just as Other Brick's elbow fell from the table, knocking Other Spiritwind's crisp butty dangerously close to the edge. It somewhat ruined the sinister tension he was trying to impose on the scene.

"Have you met us? I think it's more likely that Bum thinks we've turned up to thwart us, but in reality we probably just heard a pub mentioned and thought we'd pay it a visit."

"Good old us." Brick looked lovingly towards the booth. The booth couldn't handle any more dreamy eyes and considered starting a fight with the jukebox. "Well, I'm glad that's sorted. How should we celebrate?"

"We could take over the planet. It is the reason we're here."

"I was thinking more along the lines of a pint." Brick was already mid-pour.

"We can have a pint and then take over the world. It's a very simple plan that shouldn't suffer from a swift half or two."

"Of course it is. Run it past me again." Brick handed over ale as payment for the information.

"Originally we had to sneak into a warehouse and steal the light bulb that houses the internet, but there are two members of staff from the warehouse, whom we bear a striking resemblance to, sat in the corner of our pub. And I'm sure they would happily allow us to go in to work for them tomorrow."

Spiritwind spotted the order light flashing. He took a glance at table twelve to see it empty then smiled at the thought of the free sausage butty he would get after cooking it. The fact everything was free to them mattered little. It always felt good getting one over on the system, even when it was your system.

"You've got to love heroic coincidence. In fact, we should toast it."

"Indeed, our greatest weapon."

"Indeed!"

The pair's glasses clashed and hearty swigs taken before Spiritwind stood, ready to go and make the finest sausage butty Evil had ever tasted. Along the way, he beckoned Other Brick and Other himself for a quiet word in the kitchen. They were about to get their very own unexpected day off work.

Contents
Chapter Thirty Two

"I remember this place." Brick continued to wander.

"Then why are you going the wrong way?" Spiritwind nibbled a nut infused biscuit bar while correcting his friend's direction.

"How do you know where I'm trying to go? I could be perfectly on course."

"That is an impressive take on being lost, and I can't counter your point, although I have to ask why you feel the need to go in the ladies toilets?" It was the only purpose for the corridor.

"Where's this internet again?" Brick turned around and mentioned it no further.

Brick and Spiritwind had entered 'Buy More's' department store in the centre of Puddleton. Selling everything from chocolate bars to microwaves, four floors of consumer delight were crammed with items and adverts convincing you joy was merely a purchase away. Spiritwind remembered the way to the changing room and lockers, Brick remembered the girl he'd fell in love with from Kitchenware.

Finding Other Brick and Other Spiritwind's uniforms a natural fit, annoying their hero powers who loved tailoring mismatched clothes to their hero's needs, they meandered through the bland corridors adorned in the same blue shirts, black pants and yellow ties as the rest of the staff, bumbling their way towards the warehouse where they had been deemed of best use to the company.

As temps, none of the more permanent employees had made much effort to speak to them. Everyone suspected they'd be gone within a few short weeks, plus news of Other Brick's discussion with a vaguely attractive till clerk had done a tour of the store. Asking which beak you'd choose, could you have any in the animal kingdom, was apparently social plague. It had sealed a black mark against conversation with the duo, and revealed Other Brick's love of the Toucan.

Swiping their cards through the door-side reader, they passed from the shop floor to behind the retail scenes. Carpet and feigned ambience instantly disappeared, replaced by concrete floors, distant lighting and sheer metal. Row after row of stacked stock sat in boxes, away from touching hands and inquisitive staff.

Various people ambled by, some with paper, some with boxes; others just with a morning stare suggesting they had nothing nice to say to anyone for at least three hours.

Upon passing a desk in the corridor, a familiar voice entered Brick and Spiritwind's head.

"Jones, Wall. Good to see you can make it today." There was no good intention anywhere in the sentence, but sarcasm oozed from it.

Brick turned first. "Mr Harumph. How good to see you too. Look Spiritwind, it's Mr Harumph."

"Waffle?" Spiritwind offered him a slice of breakfast waffle while he tried to remember one of the many bosses he'd been sacked by.

"It's Harump. Harump, see." Mr Harump pointed to his badge.

"Of course it is." Brick's pat on the shoulder did little to relieve the anger.

Mr Harump was past his physical peak, but nobody had told him. The sprightly twenty three year old that had entered the store had been battered in to corporate submission by fifteen years of controlling stock. Still believing he would be there temporarily his passion for life outside the store had been swallowed by the irrelevance of numbers, but not the belief that once accompanied it. This inner frustration had found a vent in berating the temps that he was continually sent. "I was being sarcastic. Your two days off have made this place work to an exemplary standard." He puffed out his rotund chest in pride; unfortunately it popped his shirt from his pants, exposing a slither of the increasingly portly belly that supported it.

"If you'd wish to pay us to stay off in order to improve standards then I'm sure we can come to an agreement with our agency." Spiritwind instantly saw a solution that would please all, but still struggled to remember Mr Harump.

Mr Harump paused before realising what he was contemplating. "Or, you could just do your jobs." The frustrated manager leaned in to Brick's chin. "What is that on your face? And you?"

"It's a beard."

"What he said." Spiritwind didn't believe in repeating things, except for the occasional viewing of a box-set.

"How have they found their way on to your faces in two days?"

"I guess some men's testosterone just will not be quelled. With the lifestyles we lead it was inevitable to sprout someday. There are only so many bears you can wrestle before such a badge of manly prowess erupts." Brick reeled off words in the hope they'd suffice as a reason.

Mr Harump stroked his own chin. He hadn't shaved all week and barely anything had emerged. He changed subjects, standing up straight in an effort to appear more masculine. "Where were you going before I stopped you?"

"To collect the things that need taking, apparently." Mr Harump looked through one suspicious eye then turned it on Spiritwind.

"Things, stuff. All needs moving." The bald hero chewed a peanut that had been dislodged from a tooth.

"I don't want to see you two idling around, got it." Mr Harump's belief in his rebuke was somewhat wounded by his inferior, bald chin.

"Don't you worry Mr Harumph. You won't see a thing." Brick doffed farewell and turned. Mr Harump let out a noise of frustration as retort to Brick's name based swipe. It was all he could muster.

Brick and Spiritwind continued on their way, weaving past various lines of shelving, and people pushing over-sized trolleys filled with excessively packaged goods. The duo each carried an empty box as disguise that they were actually doing something. It was a trick that had served them well in many a stockroom. Eventually, in the far corner of the ample space, they found a highly familiar stack of shelves wrapped in paper.

"Don't we have hammocks set up behind here?" Brick's memory threw forth a reminder; his finger offered a point upwards.

"And a telly?" Spiritwind's recall of their luxuries infinitely outweighed his memory of faces.

The pair climbed up to the third level and peeled back the tape that held the covers in place. Exactly as remembered, two hammocks and a telly were in the space.

"Why did we quit this job again?" Brick took the furthest, swinging bed.

"I don't think we were given a choice. Isn't this where your palette truck grand prix was uncovered?"

"No, that was 'Stuff's a Belter'. This is where you get caught trying to re-box a camping stove you'd used for morning bacon."

"Of course it is. To be fair, they should supply their staff with better amenities if they don't want them to resort to such behaviour." Spiritwind defended his actions.

"So, where exactly is this internet?" Brick rested his hands behind his lay down head, hoping it wasn't far and that maybe a bit of telly and a nap would be justified before setting off.

"Erm." Spiritwind spun a vaguely drawn map three times then turned it over. "Oh. You're staring at it."

"Am I? Should I apologise?"

"Judging by what's on it, I don't think the internet's particularly self conscious." Spiritwind pointed upwards. "That's it there, directly above you." The pair looked up at the light bulb that shone bleakly down from above their hammocks.

"Well, heroic coincidence truly knows no bounds. Bit of telly?" Brick leaned towards the on button.

"Would be rude not to." Spiritwind settled in to the other hammock, knowing the key to world domination lay in their grasp, whenever they were ready to take it.

Contents
Chapter Thirty Three

"Add another box. I just need another half inch." Spiritwind's reach remained centimetres short of the light-bulb that supposedly held the internet.

"I've already added three since you were last half an inch away. How is it not yours already?" Brick looked around for further boxes to add to the pile Spiritwind stood atop. The pair had stacked various goods on their skiving shelf in order to reach the light-bulb; however no matter how many they added they constantly remained out of reach.

"I can only report what's occurring. You have a try. You've got half a foot on me."

"Nice to see you finally acknowledging my superior height."

"I've never denied you're taller. It's just that I'm not short, I'm average height. You're the freak in society."

Brick skipped athletically up the tower of boxed, domestic machinery, his hero powers taking care of the athleticism he'd never acquired through training. Spiritwind remained atop the slow cooker that sat at its peak.

"I was going to get down first." The pinnacle of kitchen accessories became unnecessarily cramped.

"Oh. Well, I'm here now."

"Yes you are. Go on then, you have a go." Spiritwind retrieved a choc dip and awaited his friend's effort.

"I will." Brick leaned out towards the bulb and found he was also half an inch out of reach. "That makes no sense."

"I know. Breadstick?" Spiritwind offered a dip of his confectionary as compensation.

"No thanks. There's hardly any chocolate in there. I wouldn't want to take it from you."

"Maybe it's got something to do with our hero powers?" Spiritwind threw the question out nonchalantly and continued to scrape the meagre chocolate offerings from their limited compartment.

"Continue with your train of thought." Brick knew genius could only be tickled from his friend's mind if treated with nonchalant disregard.

"Well, heroes always seem to be an inch out of reach of the crux of their plans. They can never just grab it and run. It usually takes a dramatic leap or amusing occurrence to knock it in to their grasp."

"If you didn't have chocolate all round your mouth, and I wasn't such a manly kind of guy, I'd consider kissing you." Brick didn't wait for a response and leapt at the bulb, grasping it and holding on tighter than a boa clinging on to its last tenner.

"What have you done that for?" Spiritwind finished his treat and dropped it expertly into the bin they had set up between their hammocks.

"You said...."

"It was only an idea. Now you're stuck forty feet off the ground hanging on to nothing but a light-bulb."

"I am aren't I?" Brick looked down at his dangling feet, and the floor that lay a long way beyond them. "Any further suggestions?"

"Aside from not jumping in the first place?"

"I'm not sure a 'told you so' is going to save me." Brick decided to look up. Everything was closer in that direction. "There's definitely something going on inside this thing. That's no normal bulb." Brick became mesmerised by the swirling colours, and the sensation that reached out and beckoned him inside the little glass orb.

"Let's hope its oddness stretches to supporting weights no ordinary light, can." Spiritwind had a thought. "I've got an idea." The bald man leant out and grabbed his friend's waist, shifting the weight of the tower he stood on.

"If you're after me wallet I can tell you there's nothing in it."

"Why would I want your empty wallet when I've got me own?" Spiritwind began to spin his peer.

"What are you....oh I see; removing the bulb. Hold on, if you unscrew the bulb I'll fall to my doom." Brick spun in the fashion of a music box ballerina, only without any of the grace the little plastic model conveyed.

"No you won't. Your hero powers will step in and sort something out." Spiritwind continued to spin confidently, even with his own support tower slipping further and further towards its centre of gravity.

"You're suddenly putting a lot of faith in what could be a combination of hearsay and coincidence." The bulb felt infinitely looser than before.

"What's life without a bit of risk?"

"Long." As Brick ended his riposte the bulb popped loose. At exactly the same time, the pile of boxes they'd used to get in to the situation passed the point physics would allow them to remain upright. Careering towards his friend, Spiritwind and the tower engulfed Brick and diverted his falling path from straight down in to one of a sideways inclination; directly on to a shelf of pillows awaiting delivery to the Home Furnishings department.

"I knew heaven would be cushion based." Brick had kept his eyes closed since the pop.

"It's not heaven. It's Section W, aisle fifteen." Brick opened his eyes to see Spiritwind un-wrapping a chocolate egg. "Well held by the way."

The well haired hero glanced down to see the bulb in his hands. It still offered a sense of enticement and the promise of answers.

"Those hero powers, eh; never doubted them." Brick's pale face injected doubt into his words.

Spiritwind revealed the soft and sugary inside of his egg with one expert bite. "How does it work then, the internet?

"Well it.......you push.........I think you just........." Brick turned the object over in his hands, all the time staring into the shining wonder.

"You can just say you don't know?"

"I could tell you what They, told me." Brick found something in his mind.

"Is that the version that involves a whole host of gerbils in windmills?"

"He told me it was guillemots on jet-ski's." Brick turned to his friend.

"Let's presume They wasn't so sure either." Egg finished, Spiritwind shuffled nearer the bulb. "Are there any buttons?"

"Nothing; it's just a standard bulb in every facet of its appearance, other than the swirly insides."

"Let's have a look." Spiritwind equally cupped the internet, becoming engrossed by the same sense of wishing to be involved. As their minds grew ever more entranced by the object its glow expanded, until it covered the entirety of their vision. With a final dramatic flash the two blinked. When they opened their eyes they were no longer in a warehouse.

************

Brick and Spiritwind found themselves falling once more, although before they could begin to question why, they'd landed with a cushioned bump; Spiritwind flat on his back, Brick face down. Spiritwind looked up, at the same time running his hands across the surface of the new land.

A bronzed sky glistened back towards the bald man's eyes, a cascade of fluttering, A4 sheets obscuring a clear view as they fell around and across him. A quick skim of his fingertips revealed the floor's friction free nature, betraying its plastic composition; its shuffling tendency admitted to its lack of stability. He could only assume the ground was covered in the pages that continued to litter his frame, if not built entirely from them.

Brick could feel a gentle yet nigh on continual patting on the back of his head and turned his body over, ambivalently flailing at the acetates that rained down upon his concerned face. He sat up to avoid having to blink so much, and wished he'd added a hat to his way of life.

He glanced across to Spiritwind who had also acquired a seated posture, and a doughnut. Each shrugged at what to do next. Spiritwind could only think to consume his snack, although he was quickly interrupted as a black wire whistled down from above, flying straight through the sugared hole and into the ground beneath the duo. After several seconds convulsing violently, ripping the bald man's snack into several bite-size pieces, it began to retract, causing an up-swell in the land the duo were struggling to comprehend. Whipping itself back towards the discoloured sky, the prize of a single sheet in its grasp, the disruption affected everything within a twenty foot circle, including the newly arrived heroes. The pair was launched sideways at pace, skidding across the surface with all the grace of a baby seal on its first trip to the shops.

As the duo slid, without control over their speed or direction, they noticed an edge approaching fast. Heroic coincidence spotted it too and sent a wire deep into the ground, directly in their path. The pair grabbed on just in time to leave them dangling over the precipice of a mountain. Both men looked down, assessing the slope that sat steeply beneath them.

"I fear we must presume this wire will do as the last, and return to the sky any moment." Brick summed up the situation, in case Spiritwind hadn't been paying attention.

"I can only concur with your summation." It was as good a time as any to check if he had any more doughnuts. They were a notoriously calming snack.

"Question is, do we try and hold on or let go and see what's at the bottom?"

"Well, we were introduced from the sky, so it would seem futile to return without having done anything. I think we owe it to heroics to explore whatever's at the bottom."

"I think you're right. Plus, sliding is always more fun than being flung about miles above the ground." Brick tried to add logic to the decision.

"And if after checking out the bottom we find out we were wrong, we can just wait to grab another wire and be flung about by that. Win, win." Spiritwind offered the ultimate solution, best of everything and cramming with options. "There's plenty of them around."

Spiritwind gazed out across the landscape they were yet to try and fathom.

The wires were truly plentiful as they hung from the sky. Hooked on nothing of note, they swarmed across a horizon filled with mountains. The glimmering tendency of the giant mounds suggested they were built from the same acetates as the one the twosome hung over; geology insisted valleys interspersed the peaks.

The tubes attacked the daunting stacks without rest, rummaging at pace in search of their bounty. Once caught, the prize would be rushed to the sky and pinned to the invisible barrier that shielded the planet from presumed space. Some were held there and joined by other curious limbs, the page increasing in size with each extra one, some dropped after only a few seconds; left to find a new pile or whipped out of the air by another snaking hunter. Spiritwind glanced upwards and noticed the sky was dominated by several sheets that defied simple measurement, stretching out to cover distances the size of entire lands. They remained stable in bulk, only the swarm they attracted fluctuating. Others grew at a great pace only to shrink to practically nothing within seconds, while some built steadily. The majority were stuck and discarded within seconds.

All the time, more pages joined from no apparent source other than above, forming new peaks and topping off those that had been decimated through continual ransacking. The whole landscape was a glorious ballet of disorganised harmony.

Perusal of the world ceased as the wire the heroes held began to convulse. Having already decided to take the downwards route, it was the signal for both men to let go.

Spiritwind opted to approach the journey sat upright, Brick went head first; nobody was sure if this was a choice or a consequence of gravity. Whichever way they pointed they were instantly subjected to wires whistling inches past their hurtling bodies, diving deep into the ground they skimmed across and caring little for anything that may be in the way, or if it required puncturing. Heroic fortune stepped in once more with a range of coincidental gymnastics and well-timed turns of inquisitiveness, guarding the pair from injury yet allowing danger close enough to suggest susceptibility were it not for such inherent skill.

Realising the twitches that continued to save them were entirely involuntary, Spiritwind focused on the pages that seemed so precious to the black tubes, and reached out for one to inspect further. Brick's head first posture had seen him grow tired of removing the sheets that persisted in sticking to his face as he flew by, and so he left them where they were and decided to try and have a nap instead.

As Spiritwind reached the end of a blog from Johnson Caribou, declaring lobsters were clearly an invading race of aliens: why else would they have armour and such weapons attached to their very being, he noticed the incline of the mountain beginning to even out, and their speed decreasing in response. Eventually it dropped enough to allow the sheets the wind had pinned to Brick's face to fall away; confusing the dozing hero, who'd convinced himself he was in bed back home. He wondered who could be bothered to come in his room and open his bedroom curtains, and if it was a she, if she wanted a cuddle.

By the time Brick fully awoke they had practically come to a standstill and were ten feet from an aged gentleman with a broom, a patio umbrella above his head, and a wizened stare. Nobody spoke as they looked in equal puzzlement at each other.

The man was around five feet tall and anything from a hundred upwards. He wore a full three piece, tweed suit complete with pipe sticking out of the top pocket and the aforementioned umbrella protruding from his back. Thick, white tufts of hair gave an air of authority to his monocle, the ample moustache gifting wisdom to his thoughts.

With the silence growing awkward, he spoke. "Morning." His voice rolled across his tongue, picking up years of experience and coating it with a texture of gravel. "Is it morning? Never know anymore. No real concept of time in here, or where. All places at once you see, the internet. Not sure how."

"You've got a busy day ahead, sweeping up this lot." Brick could only respond with practicality as he stood and brushed himself down, still twitching out of the way of sky-based attacks.

"Pahaa, sweeping up? Where would I sweep to? No, just filling my day." The man spoke as a wire rebounded off his umbrella, diverting its search around him rather than through. "Would you care for shelter?"

Both heroes scuttled under the protection of the old man. "Newton Farango by the way, Master of the Web. Have a badge somewhere, blasted thing keeps falling off though. How do you do?"

"Spiritwind Capernicus Jones, hero and temp." Spiritwind exchanged a shake of the hand.

"Brick Wall, same C.V." After greetings were done with, all three huddled silently under the umbrella and watched as wires repeatedly bounced off it. They stood without awkwardness and absorbed the situation. Eventually, Spiritwind had a thought.

"Did you say we're in the internet? This isn't a dream sequence and we're really lying unconscious on the floor of a warehouse in Puddleton?"

"As far as I can make out, although maybe you should ask my wife; apparently she knows everything, particularly everything I don't. Shall we go inside? Can take this umbrella off you see; far more comfortable."

Brick and Spiritwind looked around in search of an 'inside'. All they could see was mounds of acetates and a potential wind-up. Newton hadn't waited for an answer and had already dropped his broom and begun rummaging in search of something he knew was there. The resulting dip caused all three men to crouch as the umbrella became more of a communal hat.

Brick turned with a shake of the head to find a wire facing him. It sniffed him in an inquisitive manner. The hero sniffed back before it whipped inside his t-shirt and disappeared with a page that had found its way under his polyester covering. Brick was unsure if he should call the police or put it down to the culture, Spiritwind was positive it deserved at least a smirk. Brick straightened himself and moved on emotionally.

"Ah, here it is." Newton commented as he pulled a leaf blower the size of a shed from beneath the loose covering that acted as the ground. Turning it towards a mound behind him, he switched it on.

It caused a flurry of pages, eventually settling to reveal a human sized hamster run: a series of brightly coloured pods connected via opaque tubes. "There we go. Care for a cup of tea?"

"I don't do tea." Brick was still a little upset about the wire that had violated his personal space.

"Don't do tea, must have a dodo for a nose. I'm sure we can find something to bridge the gap of social pleasantries. Come along."

The pair offered shrugs wondering how else they could respond, and followed the pensioner inside. At least they knew they'd made it into the internet. Everything else remained as mysterious as ever, including where Spiritwind had found a sausage roll.

Contents
Chapter Thirty Four

The trio entered the first pod. It was green and housed little more than a shoe rack. As each removed their footwear, Newton pushed a large button by the door. The whole building began to lift. Brick looked at Spiritwind. Spiritwind didn't need to hear the words.

"No, I don't think it's a trap."

"Always rising, you see; the ground, pages constantly being added. Swallow the house if you let it. Constantly on the up I like to think. Pahaaaaa." Newton addressed Brick's concern. The hero wasn't convinced.

"Now, tea." Mr Farango led the pair down a blue tube and in to a clear pod. It spanned about forty feet and gave a full view of the world they had sought shelter from. Further coloured tubes offered an exit from the transparent sphere, located at sporadic intervals and varying angles across the walls.

The room contained minimal furniture. A desk hugged one wall, holding a monitor and keyboard, and an ornate tea trolley sat ready to be used. A sofa lounged around towards the centre, a coffee table standing by its side should it require somebody to talk to. Newton walked straight to the refreshments and wheeled them back as the Earthlings pondered on the internet they found themselves in.

"Tea? Biscuits? Hot water?" Brick's alternative drinks selection was limited.

"Think I'll just stick to a biscuit." Brick poked at the plate with his eyes, trying to decide what to take. Spiritwind opted for one of each kind and created a stack while accepting the freshly poured beverage from Newton. The bald maverick returned to the windowed wall for further consideration of where they found themselves. Brick eventually opted for the bourbon. He'd suffered from its drying powers in the past, but this time he was on a mission and he could defeat any foe. Plus he was always fooled by the promise of such chocolaty goodness. Newton placed his cup atop a saucer, adorning the treat with two cookies.

After several moments appreciating the calm mood and edible offerings, Spiritwind turned back towards Newton. Brick already regretted his choice of snack. It was attached to the roof of his mouth and had no intention of coming down. He tried to dislodge it with nothing more than an accentuated wobble of his jaw as Spiritwind unleashed his thoughts. "Are we to assume this entire land is built from the pages of the internet? And the lethal wires are searching for said pages so the people who've typed them in to their computer can see them?" Spiritwind looked wistfully back towards the horizon. Brick grunted the suggestion that he would have asked the same question were he not incapacitated.

"Ah, I see you hide wisdom beneath those gormless exteriors." Newton glanced at Brick as he jabbed the roof of his mouth with his finger. "Some deeper than others. Yes, that's just about it."

"So as the Master of the Web are they dancing from your merry lead, your army of sorts?" Spiritwind didn't hesitate to find out if Newton was the man that could help them in their quest.

"Yes." Brick used his finally empty mouth to involve himself in the discussion. He added nothing while eyeing up another bourbon. He always believed in giving things at least a second chance, if not a third.

"Not sure they are anymore. My role is more maintenance than anything else these days." Newton whipped out a pipe and looked out to the horizon. It was a well practiced storytelling stance, and one he proudly displayed as he began regaling the past. "Not like when it all began. Used to have to deliver messages, you see. Connect the sender with the intended." Newton paused. "Would have made a fine slogan if I'd thought of that sooner. No, anyway, had to find the right computer to pass things on to. Then one day I started to receive these pages too. People started wanting to read them whenever they wanted, completely different task; had to come up with a whole new system."

A small flame popped out of Mr Farango's pipe, threatening to singe his ample eyebrows. He moved it far from his face and beat the flames down with his hand before continuing. "I organised them into piles and would send them up to the sky when people asked to see them. Used to be good exercise, cranking up the old cranes, but people were impatient to see drunken animals falling over. Wasn't quick enough you see, the old crane, and so I started to use these extendable wires instead, but the sheer number of requests grew, oh how they grew, and soon I couldn't feed the wires fast enough to keep up. So I taught the wires how to find things for themselves and headed in for a cup of tea." Newton gave a proud puff of smoke.

"Funny thing was, when they couldn't keep up with demand, they looked up how to build themselves and made more, creating the melee you see before us. Haven't had to do much ever since. Spend my days pretending to sweep up, being told off by the wife and watching videos of people falling over. Oh and my games. Have I mentioned my games? There's one where you're a speck of dust and have to avoid the vacuum, sucks you in, quite literally. Pahaaaa."

"Fascinating." It was one of the few times Spiritwind had used the word without any sarcastic intent. "But, does this mean that if we, say, wanted to introduce an idea to the internet, tell it something in the hope of convincing the entire world of what we want, is that something you can still do?"

"Don't see why not. What's the point in being the master of something that won't listen to you, eh? May as well have a wife. That's a joke. Don't get one. They change. Used to love Fruity Thursdays, just Thursdays now." Newton raised a suspicious eye and took a sip of his tea. "Do I detect the reason for your visit in your question?"

"Well....." Spiritwind had an image concerning Thursdays he was trying to shake. ".....Yes. You see, we're on a mission to take over the Earth, ultimately in the name of Good, and we thought the easiest way to do that would be to just tell everyone we're now in control. And what easier way is there to tell everyone in the world something, than through the internet?"

"Pahaa. Genius. Don't know why more people don't do it, must cost a fortune to feed all those armies."

"That's what we said." Brick's eye strayed towards a third bourbon. Maybe this one would be different.

"And wise you were to bring it up." Mr Farango tapped his chin and looked ponderous; he had no interest in Good or Evil, but he did see a way he may be able to benefit from the duo's visit. "Maybe two such wise fellows as yourselves would be able to help me out with a little problem in return for allowing you to take over the world?"

"What is it?" Spiritwind hoped it didn't involve a Thursday.

"Ah, good negotiators too. Wary. Wise. Huffle Quickstep did me out of the wife's favourite chest of draws once. Didn't even need an antelope. Thing ran off after a week, refused to be a hat-stand. Wife didn't speak to me for a month. Best month of my life." Newton lost himself in nostalgia for a moment. "Anyway, no, nothing so drastic. I've been stuck on Mouse Dynamic for months now. Have to chew through the foundations of increasingly larger houses, bring the blasted things tumbling down. Can't get past the mansion level, you see. You show me how and the world is yours."

"Sounds like a deal." Spiritwind turned to Brick with a face concerned that it shouldn't be this easy.

"Before we spit in each other's eyes to seal the deal...." Nobody had mentioned spitting in eyes. ".......better see if I can still control the thing. Wires are full of ego you know. Hard to make them do anything, as you've seen. Not my doing. Have no ego left to put in them. Had it beaten out of me by the wife a long time ago! Wouldn't believe the names she calls me." Newton tottered over to the desk that held the keyboard and monitor. "Why don't we give it a little test? Would you care to know the truth behind the pyramids?" Newton spoke as he sat down and wiggled the mouse, scrolling through a series of screens. The duo followed him and perused the monitor.

"May as well." Brick summed up the answer.

"Knew you would; well, who wouldn't? Only a fool denies the truth, eh. Here we go." Mr Farango hovered above an icon labelled Thought Storms. An information box explained it could rain down an idea in the manner of a storm, the mountains and valleys would naturally flood themselves with the notion. It was the kind of narrative fit heroes would be lost without.

"No, no. Always best to test things, unless old Huffle Quickstep asks you to pull his finger. Don't test that. Claims all the frogs in the world pop. They don't." The Master of the Web turned back to the screen as a microphone rose from the desk and a target appeared on the window. The entire floor of the room turned ninety degrees, finding a cluster of ancient Egyptian knowledge atop a peak off yonder and forming a cloud above it. He returned his gaze to the duo. "So, we're agreed; if this works, I get to see the next level and you two get the world?"

Brick and Spiritwind nodded agreement in realisation they could be about to become the rulers of an entire planet. Brick picked up another bourbon in realisation that he never learns.

The old man nodded to the nod and began to speak into the microphone. "Pyramids. Hmmmm. To understand the pyramids you have to understand the people of the day. Giants they were, big fellows, women too; size of a house. A medium sized house, nothing spectacular. Of course you don't grow that big and strong on leaves, oh no; cakes, and lots of them. Loved the things, but out there in the desert with flies the size of helicopters you can't leave them lying around. Nooooooo. Once left a cake at the front door. Wife didn't like that, should have left her there instead. So, you see, how can you protect them? How, how, how indeed? Cake canopies! No, you see, that's what they are." Newton beamed with more pride than a cat opening its very own cream factory.

"What about the Sphinx?" Brick couldn't help himself.

"Biscuit tin. Just unscrew the head and all the digestives in the world are yours, big ones too."

"Well I never." Brick preferred it to any other explanation he'd been given and instantly adopted it as truth.

Newton held his finger above a button, checked the screen for final instructions, and made contact. A stream of rain began to fall from the clouds that had gathered at the old man's behest.

"Now all we need to do is monitor the impact, what." Newton wiggled the mouse further. The screen split into two at his will, one side displaying a heading reading pyramid/cake canopies. The other scanned the internet for any mention of the two together. Within moments of the rain falling, the monitor began highlighting page after page, pulling up the relevant extracts. The flurry quickly grew into a tirade before it was nothing more than an unreadable stream of light.

Newton sat back. "Now, about this mouse."

Contents
Chapter Thirty Five

"How?"

"Baby bomb." Brick released the vague answer to Newton's mouse dilemma.

"Bomb, in a baby? What does that have to do with a mouse eating a house?"

"No. That small mouse symbol in the corner is how many baby bombs you've got. You'd built up loads. Pushing the top button on your joystick releases ten smaller mice. All you have to do is drop a bomb at each corner of the building and set them off. Leaves mummy mouse all the time she needs to chew through the central pillar." Brick smiled the smile of perfect sense.

"Ah. I thought that meant I could shrink. Didn't know why I'd want to shrink. Mice are tiny enough as it is." Newton stared at the screen, smiles and shakes of the head flitting across his features. Once enough time had passed to suspect he may have fallen asleep, Spiritwind spoke.

"So, is it still okay if we take over the planet?"

"Why of course, dear boy. A deal's a deal; won't find me reneging on a spit in the eye; not like Old Quickstep. Once sold me a Teasmaid that couldn't tell the time. Used to wake me up with a brew at three in the morning. Claimed he'd never seen it before in his life. Not sure what he made of it when he opened my present to him that xmas. Put a nice big bow on it too. Pahaaaa." Brick and Spiritwind sensed there was tension between the friends.

Newton spoke as he brought up the Thought Storm once more. The room span slowly as he selected the entire landscape as the target for the next message. Once set, the Master of the Web turned to Spiritwind.

"Probably best if you two just tell it what it needs to know. Only lose something as we pass the words between us. Don't want to end up giving the world to someone else because of a misplaced comma. Pahaaaa." Newton stood and offered his chair to Spiritwind. Another one appeared and moved across the room at the old man's whim, for Brick. Mr Farango retired to the sofa, still shaking his head at the simplicity of the mouse problem.

The pair made themselves comfortable as the truth of where they sat tapped them on the shoulder. Spiritwind turned to his friend.

"You do realise we have the entire internet dangling on the end of our imagination? We could tell it anything." Spiritwind's mischievous eye glinted.

"Indeed. Humanity is at our mercy." Brick, intermingled his fingers and bared his teeth as the clouds darkened across the landscape. He added a cackle while allowing his head to tilt backwards.

"Are you okay? Do you want a throat sweet?"

"You had to ruin me moment. I'll bet we would have got a distinction in dramatic delivery for that little scene." Brick relaxed his face and hands and moved nearer the microphone.

"Who needs such rewards as grades when we're about to claim all that is." Spiritwind held a stern face and pointed it towards the future. Brick looked on in judgement.

"Mine was better."

"Depends if you enjoy the subtlety of Evil over needless dramatics."

"There was a whole module on needless dramatics."

"You're still stuck in old Evil. Don't forget, we have a new way to mould........"

The internet cringed and awaited its future.

Contents
Chapter Thirty Six

"Don't forget to emphasise the 'adorable' tag that goes with Dag Nammit?" Brick saw an opportunity to enhance his love life at the same time.

"Are you even sure you are Dag Nammit? I thought you were Corsetry Overload." Spiritwind threw mischief in to the discussion.

Brick's thoughts dashed around his mind, double checking all the memories concerning his pseudonym. "I am Dag Nammit, dagnammit." The cheeky wink did nothing to enhance the pun.

Newton had been dozing for the last hour as Brick and Spiritwind narrated the tale of all the world's leaders coming together to discuss how they were clearly getting everything wrong and needed to bow down to somebody who could cut through all the political ambition, backbiting, and blabber; and see a truth without ego, where the good of the masses came before individual gain.

They had created a new, worldwide law that declared anybody who actively wanted to rule should not be allowed within a faint whiff of the position. What they needed was somebody who had all the ideas you could ever dream of needing, but had no inclination whatsoever to take the practical responsibility of running things. After extensive searching they'd found not one person that fit the criteria perfectly, but two; and Dag and Corsetry, and their whimsical philosophy on life, were fast-tracked through the political system and installed as Leaders of the World within weeks of being found. Their simplistic take on reality sat at the core of their beauty, a beauty it was hoped could be spread across the philosophy of all.

As the Thought Storm continued to fall, and their ideology toured the electronic globe, various leaders spoke out in denial such a thing had ever occurred. All were countered by the pair at the computer with fabricated clips of the very same leaders praising the duo in secret meetings. Brick and Spiritwind littered every mountain top with so much propaganda that it became too much for anyone to rationally deny, and as the people of the world began supporting their views, the old leaders had no choice but to clamour to praise them and claim they'd been lifelong friends.

Spiritwind chuckled as reaction to Brick's 'adorable' tag circled the social networks.

'OMG, Corsetry sounds adorable'. 'I know; far more humble than that Dag one'. 'Adorable Dag; more like deplorable Dag LOL'.........

"Has it worked?" Newton stirred, fearful that the noises interrupting his sleep were the return of his wife from wherever she'd gone.

"Not entirely." Brick focused on his personal ridicule.

"Better than expected." Spiritwind spoke smugly, negating Brick's interpretation of events. "I think we just have to let time and the social inter connectedness of the planet do the rest." Spiritwind turned away from the desk and stood, pondering on the feast he could prepare as they awaited success. It involved the juice of many lemons combining with much meat.

Brick folded his arms and looked perplexed, following his friend's path across the room. Newton stood, partly out of politeness, and partly in case his wife came in and saw his feet on the sofa. She was funny about that kind of thing.

"You look like my wife when I tell her I haven't emptied the bins. If she doesn't want to be disappointed she shouldn't ask, I say." Newton interpreted Brick's stance.

"I'm used to disappointment these days, Newton. Heroics have let me see the truth behind the empty promises of glamour. The false glare that bounces from the shiny veneer of existence no longer blinds these wizened eyes." Brick turned as though he'd done something genuinely impressive, but was taking it in his stride.

"Will a pint help?" Spiritwind tried to console his friend, and initiate a polite exit.

"I'm yet to meet an unhelpful pint." Brick's mood instantly lightened. "And I happen to know the perfect place to get one. Care for a drink, Newton?"

"I have plenty here, plus, inevitability states that the moment I leave this place unattended will be the moment I'm needed. And the wife will be back soon. She can go out all day but if I'm not here when she returns, well, it won't be worth the weeks of explaining and strops I'll have to face."

"Well, if you change your mind you're more than welcome."

"Erm, Newton, how do we actually get out of the internet?" Spiritwind realised he had no genuine idea how they'd ever got in."

"Ah, now, you'll like this, maybe." Newton beckoned the pair to the door and opened it. The acetates were within touching distance below them, the wires still attacking the very air. Brick and Spiritwind returned their shoes to their feet as Newton explained. "See, blasted things, never stop rising. To leave you must hold on to one of the pages and wait for it to be chosen by a wire. When it lifts, hold as tight as can be. As it slams against the viewing dome, you'll be propelled back to your land, I think, pahaaaa."

"You think? What do you think might happen if that doesn't?" Brick wanted to be able to brace himself at least.

"You'll get squashed against the glass and fall back to the valleys. Maybe I should film it. People love watching a good fall." Newton looked around for his camera.

Brick and Spiritwind had already jumped in to the pile and began searching for celebrity gossip and animals dressed as things other than themselves. Both finding a page they felt confident of being read soon, they gripped tightly and made their goodbyes.

"Mr Farango, it's been a pleasure." Brick saluted, unsure of the etiquette when addressing a Master. He barely had time to smile before being whipped away. Spiritwind and Newton watched as he hurtled upwards, avoiding impact through disappearance.

"I guess you were right with your first guess. Thanks for all your help." Spiritwind finished his sentence just in time to be yanked away himself. Newton watched on with a wave, and a slight concern that maybe he was still asleep on the sofa. He went inside to check.

**********

"That was a fun afternoon. Did not expect to end up actually in the internet, although I didn't expect not to; there's a lesson in there somewhere." Brick slid from the shelf, accompanied by a cascade of soft furnishings, and awaited his friend's similar landing.

"Speaking of things you wouldn't expect, how does a double quilt fit into such a small bag?" Spiritwind commented on the goods he had landed alongside.

"I think it's your turn to put your life in danger." Brick ignored the question and handed his friend the bulb while pointing at the empty socket.

"Okay, will do." Spiritwind put away his 'Home Again' candy floss and focused on the music that littered the store. An 80's rock ballad was reaching its crescendo as he stared up towards his destiny.

"Why are we in the corridor? I wanted to watch you fall from the ceiling." Brick looked around, wondering what had happened.

"When do you ever see heroes tidying up loose ends? A scene change and presumption it went without a hitch was all that was required. Come on." Brick's face refused to accept the discussion was over. It turned, annoyed at life and its new hero ways.

"I thought we agreed I wouldn't see you two doing nothing." The duo had forgot to use the shop floor to circumvent Mr Harump's desk, and stumbled past his line of vision. He was not impressed.

"Everything's done." Brick's recalled there was rarely anything for them to actually to do at Buy More's, or maybe that was just his perspective on the job.

"And what has that got to do with anything?" Mr Harump relied on employment law, and the social acceptance of performing futile exercises in order to justify being paid.

"Mr Harumph,..." Spiritwind stepped forward with his most professional voice. "....we are merely treating you with honesty and respect. We could quite easily spend the day walking around with empty boxes, looking at shelves in a ponderous manner and wheeling stock back and forth to nowhere in particular, all to convince you that we are working, but we don't want to treat you like the idiot you're clearly not; and it seems obvious you'd rather we weren't here. So we thought we may as well go and do nothing at home rather than getting under your feet and annoying you by doing nothing here." Spiritwind offered half a poppadum in persuasion.

"I guess you do have a point. And I'm definitely not an idiot. I was the fourth child in my year to obtain a swimming width certificate." Mr Harump's mind was desperately trying to find the logical flaw in the proposal. "I just........don't think......not sure......"

"How about we nip home and you give us a ring if you find anything we forgot to do? Well done on the certificate by the way." Spiritwind ushered Mr Harump back to his chair, wittering as he sat. The bald employee shook Mr Harump's hand and walked away.

The stock manager continued flitting arguments across his face, each pulled back into this mouth before it could be uttered.

After thirty seconds sitting still he snapped out of his trance of enforced logic, realising he'd been thoroughly had. He threw the poppadum in the bin and retrieved his framed width certificate from his desk draw. It always helped in moments of life doubt.

Contents
Chapter Thirty Seven

Brick and Spiritwind entered the pub to find Bozo and Schmuk sat on stools at either side of the door. The goliaths glanced up in recognition.

"Afternoon, bosses." Bozo spoke for the pair. Each had a henchman sized cocktail in their hands.

"Is it afternoon already?" Brick checked his wrist. It didn't know what he wanted. His calculator watch was on the other limb.

"How's business?" Spiritwind looked around the pub. Nicole and Suzy were behind the bar, Nicole chatting to Other Brick, Suzy at the serving hatch that opened into the kitchen, whispering towards Other Spiritwind. Spon and Bum were asleep in their respective seats at opposite ends of the establishment while sounds of hearty laughter and proud tales oozed from the pool bar.

"Couple of ducks tried to come in, had no I.D. though." Bozo continued to chew the leg of something well cooked and hefty.

"Good work." Brick gave a thumbs-up and wandered over to the pool bar entrance, Spiritwind in accompaniment.

Hugo was in position, shaking a cocktail into existence. Stood next to him was Dollop, throwing cherries and various bottles in his direction. Both remained disguised and oblivious to the reality of who each man was. Yakkety and Jiggery sat on a submerged seat each, willing guinea pigs for whatever was placed in front of them.

"The pub truly is the bridge of all differences." Brick's sentiment could have hung in the air in delicate, poetic truth for eternity, had he not stepped on a rogue ball and slipped head first into the pool of plastic spheres.

The occupants turned, vague battle stances adopted, to see a pair of feet poking upwards. They were quickly retracted and replaced with the head of Brick. "It's okay. No damage. Carry on." Brick climbed back out, popping a ball from beneath his t-shirt as he did. The heroic pair apologised with their faces and wandered round to the main vault.

"How are things?" The bald landlord took up a stool at the bar and enquired. Brick took the podium next to him, still checking the bottom of his shoe as an excuse for slipping.

"Delightful." Nicole spoke dreamily.

"Stupendous." Suzy uttered without the faintest hint of a twitch.

"Odder and odder." Other Brick still wasn't sure this was reality.

"Bacon butty?" Other Spiritwind had only one reply from the portal into the kitchen. "Hope you don't mind me using the facilities, got a bit peckish."

"You look like a man who knows how to handle such a work of art." Spiritwind leant around the taps and poured a drink. He poured one for Brick too.

The sound of gentle conversation and mutterings of adoration stirred Spon and Bum from their slumbers. After mopping up their dribble, and taking a few moments to work out where they were, they felt ready to engage with the world once more.

Bum chose to continue drinking the drink he'd passed out mid consumption of. Spon straightened his suit and approached the bar.

"So, how is your mission progressing?" He felt like he should begin acting more like the position of authority he represented rather than that of a drunkard. "I have a form to fill in, if I can find it." The Chancellor patted his chest in the hope the assessment sheet would show itself. Bum stayed in his seat, trying to earwig whilst maintaining disinterest. He was a poor actor.

"It's all done, we think. Shall we have a look?" Spiritwind leant across the bar to grab the remote control for the televisions. Spon wasn't quite sure what to say. They'd only been gone for a few hours. Instead of questioning things he followed Spiritwind's arm as it aimed at the screen above Bum's head, and turned it on. Finding the nearest news channel, there was only one story.

Bum moved to the seat opposite where he'd awoken, in order to see the television fully. ".......of course the big question is, just who are the mysterious Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload, the new, world leaders......?" Bum fell off his stool. "....so far we have heard little from the enigmatic pair other than vague snippets of messages." The reporter stood outside an officious looking building alongside numerous other media types, turning back and forth and juggling paper.

"Are these messages from the two men directly?" A voice from the studio asked without any tone of knowledge.

"No. Nobody has seen the pair. They have been communicating via the internet. Hold on, we're just hearing that Dag's ego makes him definitively less likeable than Corsetry; according to eighty three percent of that group of people over there." Spiritwind didn't need to display any smugness; it was assumed.

"What are these messages they've sent?" The voice continued to probe, the reporter shuffled through her papers.

"The fundamental message seems to be, 'It's not about you'." The reporter shrugged.

"What does that mean?"

"Well, there are many theories developing as we speak......"

"Are they serious? How many ways can you interpret that?" Spiritwind thought they'd kept their message to the globe as clear as possible.

The reporter continued. ".....some say it's about the egotistical nature of society and that we should all realise being mean just makes life harder for us all, so why not all help each other along? It's tough enough as it is."

"That's a nice message, Denise. What do others say?"

"They say they're clearly communists out to destroy the world."

"A fair counter-point." The voice sounded like he'd turned in his chair. "What else do these new rulers have to tell the world?"

"They say everyone needs to stop being an idiot. If you are being, and every idiot knows they are one, then refer to the point about it not being about you. Get over yourself and help the world tick along rather than causing it problems. Erm, being mean is pointless. Sort out your own unhappiness rather than spreading it, lots of things in that vein, Tom."

"Well thank you, Denise. We'll let you catch up on this fascinating story and return later. Next we talk to Fry Everything, who have launched the New World Order range at all three thousand of their stores, including the Mean Burger with free 'It's Not About You' fries. And we have a fashion expert telling us how dapper our new leaders are, once we've sourced an image, otherwise we'll just speculate wildly. And later on, how many more of the world's monuments are actually kitchen paraphernalia for an extinct race of giants, now we know the truth behind the pyramids....."

"Not quite what we intended." Spiritwind shrugged in a knowing manner.

"But we are installed as leaders of the world; has to be worth a pass." Brick mined for the accolades.

"Of course, marvellous stuff, genuinely, marvellous." The news acted as a tonic for Spon's weary body. "Nobody ever achieves the actual goal of the mission, never mind does it with a hangover between the day's meals." Spon took a seat in mild shock, raising his hand to suggest he needed a minute before continuing. Nobody could be sure if it was an emotional reaction to his plan falling together nicely or a hung-over attempt not to throw up everywhere. Brick began a game of football with Spiritwind on the bar, while Spon decided: a peanut the ball, their fingers the players. Eventually, Spon was ready to continue as Brick disputed whether his friend's shot had crossed the line.

"This means we are ready for stage two of our plan. To thrust you in to the universal spotlight with just a first class degree will achieve little more than surprise and the label swot, the very antithesis of Evil. We need something bigger. We need a showdown the might of which will be whispered in doorways and shouted from large media outlets across all that is." The glint in Spon's eyes suggested he was going to reveal nothing more than dramatic hints. "Can you meet us tomorrow night on the hill on the edge of town? Say, at sunset? Always makes for better shots at sunset; symbolic too: the end of the light."

"Now the world is ours I think our schedule's clear." Spiritwind answered as Brick topped up the drinks. Nicole, Suzy, Other Brick and Other Spiritwind had long since retired to their booth. They considered the bar manned.

"Excellent. Myself and Dollop will have everything ready for when you arrive." Spon clapped giddily, stood up in slow, considered stages then headed to the Pool Bar to fetch his new Vice Chancellor. He re-emerged seconds later, Dollop behind him, stumbling slightly and offering a manly wave to his new friends.

Bum had clambered back on his stool, all his attention transfixed by the television, gobsmacked at what he was watching.

Brick eyed up the bottles of spirits before a thought bounced into his mind. "A showdown tends to imply a duel of some sort, doesn't it?"

"Usually. Has a history to it too, or a sense of greater meaning than just a couple of people throwing hand bombs at each other's faces."

"Not sure I like the sound of that." Brick started inventing cocktails in his head.

"Better get used to it. If we're going to be the new rulers of Evil, I expect this won't be our last showdown."

"I thought we were still waiting to decide about taking the job of Evil figureheads?" Brick wandered behind the bar. He had a few ideas to test.

"I think we planned to discuss it." Spiritwind offered a glass as a happy recipient of whatever Brick's mind had concocted.

"What do you think we would have decided if we had discussed it?" Brick grabbed the bottles he'd been contemplating and poured. They created something the colour of which should never be drunk. He looked for anything red they may have, putting down the ketchup after spotting an old liqueur.

"I think we would have realised it was a huge conflict of interest to be working at the pinnacle of both Good and Evil, and that Evil requires actually going out and starting something. Good just has to react when bad things occur."

"I may have had to point out that we could get actual rewards from Evil though, and that Evil women are notoriously hot." Brick made two seamless points.

"They are hot, but they also have a tendency to sneak a mind control bug in your ear while sharing a cheeky snog."

"But hot nonetheless. And they definitely snog you, no matter the intention behind it."

"Undisputedly hot."

"Bearing this in mind, I may have asked if we could we play both sides? Nobody knows we're heroes anyway." Brick twirled his cocktail in an effort to mix the red congealment. It remained stubbornly atop the brownish sludge.

"I would have reminded you that we can't even play one side, and that heroes are somewhat relentless in their pursuit of the naughty. They would come after us, and we can't even hide from the window cleaner we never asked to clean our windows."

"I'm still thinking of the women. And I told you to stop paying him."

"I never have paid him. Always get rid of him with a pot of me burger sauce. He loves the stuff." Spiritwind stepped off his stool, wondering if the pub held all the required ingredients for his aforementioned sauce. "I think it may be best if we let Spon pass on our message in our absence. Let our image and philosophy act as the figurehead in our honour."

"I'm not sure dying is ever the better option." Brick used his finger to poke the red liquid towards the bottom of the glass. The effort at blending allowed Spiritwind time to make it to the kitchen and pop his head through the serving hatch.

"Who said anything about dying? We know there's already a plan in place to eradicate us, and we've a pretty good idea who's behind it." Spiritwind subtly signalled towards Bum, Other Brick and Other Spiritwind. Brick looked over at the angry overlord student who had his head in his hands and was murmuring towards his pint, shaking his face in building fury. Brick didn't want to look at his doppleganger. He knew he was covered in the limbs of the woman he desired.

"If we can work out exactly what the plan is we should be able to sabotage it to look like it's worked, but actually get away entirely free." Spiritwind tied his apron in nonchalance at the potential complexity of his suggestion.

"Does this mean we need another planning session?" Brick found his finger had stuck in the sludge.

"A chat should suffice, which is why I'm rustling up a few casual discussion burgers."

"Okay. Are there any pliers in there?" Brick had his own finger retrieval mission to achieve first, although common sense would have prevented it ever being needed.

Contents
Chapter Thirty Eight

Other Brick stumbled out of the toilet, still trying to work out what Brick had put in the latest cocktail. It was either pomegranate or wood glue. Turning the corner he was met by Bum-Raa, arms folded in a manner more befitting an angry mum than a potential tyrant of the universe.

"Aren't you supposed to be stopping this kind of thing from going on?" Bum pointed at the rolling news.

"Huh." Other Brick was pleased he even had that length of response, and that his lips still parted. The evidence grew for pomegranate over actual glue.

"At which point is this counter plan of yours going to kick in? As far as I can see you've already failed." Bum tried pacing to release some of the frustration. The short stroll triggered a thought. "Unless you're waiting to take them down under maximum exposure; let them be celebrated before being demolished live around the world?"

"Erm....." Other Brick used his best 'couldn't agree more' face, combined with his inquisitive 'have I done me flies up' expression.

"Brilliant. I don't know why I ever doubted you, true professionals." The pat on the shoulder jarred Other Brick into deciding it was definitely pomegranate. "You know where would be a good place for a showdown? That hill we've parked on, just on the edge of town, tomorrow night about sunset; terrible fighting light but very cinematic, appearance above practicality, as always."

Other Brick raised his eyebrows. They needed a stretch. Bum interpreted it as a signal he was on to something as the booth of heroes at the other end of the room began paying attention.

Bum leant closer. "I understand. You can't talk. I'll be there should you need my assistance." Bum tapped his nose. He didn't know why society had settled on such a gesture to symbolise understanding, but as it worked he didn't question it. Spotting the room's curiosity, Bum spoke loud enough for them to hear his next sentence. "No, stranger that I have no idea about, I couldn't possibly hang around to watch the sporting battle that's on, me and my jogging friends have somewhere to be. Somewhere far from here that's entirely unrelated to your path in life. Thanks anyway." Bum scuttled towards the pool bar to collect Yakkety and Jiggery before leaving, giving one last wink on the way; again without knowing the justification for such a gesture.

Other Brick returned to the booth, blank faced and without the small amount of clue he previously had.

"It's okay. We think we know what's going on." Brick attempted to ease the confusion. A difficult task as his motorised stool continued to gently spin him around.

"Is it jammed? Is that the problem?" Other Spiritwind offered an answer to the potential stool problem, ignorant of Other Brick and Bum's discussion.

"Oh, the stool, no idea what's going on with this; I meant more about this." The wave of hands signalled the pub and everything beyond it. It alerted his balance to the fact that that was too much movement for it to handle and he shouldn't do it again.

"Would it be okay to tell me because I'm developing a phobia about going to the toilet?" Nicole offered Other Brick a stroke of his arm in comfort.

"We can do better than that. We've got a plan to counter the counter plan." Spiritwind tucked into a bowl of sherbet, trying not to cough up the first mouthful as it tickled his throat.

"Now you're being weird and confusing. There's a plan?" Other Brick just wanted to climb under the table where it felt safe.

Brick turned to Other Brick and Other Spiritwind. "We just need to check a few things first?" Brick crossed his legs in an effort to appear officious. The spinning stole the meagre authority he'd begun with. "Do your neighbours train endlessly, leaping around self made obstacles and performing gymnastics where a simple step would suffice?"

"Like a pair of men who'd never seen a sofa." Other Spiritwind's tone suggested the disbelief they held for the pair.

Brick and Spiritwind shared a smug glance. A no would have brought their entire theory crashing down. "And have you met the bloke that just left at any point before being in this pub? Did he perhaps offer a series of instructions as though you should understand perfectly?" Brick closed half an eye in hope they were on the right track. His faith in hero intuition still wasn't complete.

"He did more than that. He gave us a necklace and this." Other Spiritwind pulled out the dossier. Other Brick remembered receiving the necklace and pulled the object from beneath his t-shirt.

"That's our mission file from university." Spiritwind pulled the manual to himself. He hadn't properly read it. He wondered if they were on schedule.

"You wrote it?" Other Spiritwind spoke without judgement.

"Apparently, sort of; we were in the middle of a montage. You know how it is." Brick's attempt at clarity achieved the opposite.

"We thought it was a rubbish book. Interesting concept but the narrative was all over the place. When we saw this pub mentioned we thought it may be an elaborate advert. Figured checking it out couldn't do any harm. Forgot why we were here after the first seven pints." Other Spiritwind continued with fact over invention.

Nicole had been staring at the necklace and finally had something to say. "That's a dimensionator."

"You know we're all going to need more information than the word dimensionator? Well, me and him are at least." Brick pointed between he and his reading, friend.

"It's as simple as it sounds. It fires a beam that can send anyone it hits to any dimension you program it to." Nicole took it from Brick's neck, carefully. "Supposedly only two exist in the universe, although one was rumoured to have been sent to a dimension inhabited only by fluff, by the other." She focused on a screen on the side, touching it to enlarge it. "Says it's programmed for a dimension where fun is outlawed and any attempt at humour is punished with a thousand slaps and a custard pie in the face. Relaxation is banished and only a hundred percent effort, no matter what shortcuts lead to the task being achieved more easily, is tolerated. It's set for eternity, no way back."

"Is that where you're meant to send us?" Brick looked over his shoulder, across the table. Other Brick and Other Spiritwind could only presume yes. "Well that's just mean. Why couldn't they send us to a dimension of ale and bar snacks? As long as we're out of the way what does it matter to them?" Brick rebuked the empty pub as his stool pointed away from the group.

"Hold on. This could be a good thing." Spiritwind spoke with an air of plan about his tone.

"Is this in the same way that slide you built was a good thing?"

"That was good, maybe not for you but definitively good." Spiritwind turned back to the plan. "It means we can let Other Brick and Other Spiritwind fire us into oblivion, Bum will get the blame, Spon will still have his two figureheads, and we'll be free to carry on living our lives."

"But I thought you wanted to infiltrate and control Evil?" Nicole spotted a chink in the hero's armour.

"We do, and we will, if you just give me a minute to finish." Spiritwind grew ominously aware of Suzy's clenched fist. The concern powered his improvisation. "We'll be free to carry on our lives without suspicion or interest, until Evil has built a large enough myth around us to make our dramatic return the biggest news since lycra came with built in deodorant. We'll assume control of the whole operation in one triumphant swoop." Spiritwind was extremely happy with his verbal rescue, and the lack of punch from Suzy.

"It's thinking like that that shows the gulf between us. I thought you were just shirking responsibility." Nicole noted the attitude and promised to learn from it. Brick and Spiritwind froze their expressions in order not to incriminate themselves.

"But how will we do that when we're trapped in a rubbish dimension forever?" Brick spoke with minimal facial movement, still trying not to admit to their true work ethic.

"We won't be. We'll just re-program the dimension jobby for somewhere nicer for a few days. Let everyone get on with thinking we've disappeared, then come back." Spiritwind addressed the obvious problem with his very next sentence. "You know how to re-program something like that, don't you Nicole? Nicole?" She was busy daydreaming about her and Other Brick's future. It involved a giant swing and a curtain they could hide behind.

"Sorry, what? Erm, no. We're only grade three. Reprogramming complex, electronic devices is strictly a grade five skill."

"Really?" Brick reached underneath the arcade game table they were sat at and pulled. A series of wires and a microchip came out in his hand. A quick tweak, fiddle, and blob of chewing gum later, he returned it to its casing. The screen flashed 'Birck is the Winner, of everything ever'.

"Care to have a go at that, Birck?" Spiritwind passed the device to Brick, along with a dig.

"Why not." Brick turned the object over in his hands, tapped the screen a few times, pulled a lever at the back, tapped the screen again, twisted it round, pushed the lever back into place and returned the screen to its initial position, all with the expression of a man without any idea what his hands were doing. "Done, I think."

Spiritwind read the screen. "Oh, lovely." Spiritwind twirled the necklace in his hands before giving it back to Other Brick. Brick wondered where the congratulations were for his feat of technological genius. "So, you carry on with your plan."

"Plan?"

"Oh yeh, I forgot. It's us we're talking to. Okay, whatever happens on the hill tomorrow night wait until it's finished and Spon seems happy with how everything's gone; then do a roll or something and shoot us with the necklace. We'll meet you back on Noel Hill three days later." Spiritwind suddenly felt like the motivated one in the room. It made him dizzy, which put him in a similar mindset to his slowly turning friend.

"It's an honour to watch you work." Nicole was in awe of the planning session, although it only made her want Other Brick more and more.

"She thinks I'm a genius." Brick whispered to Spiritwind.

"You think hankies on a sock are genius." Spiritwind had a rebuttal prepared.

"They are genius. And they're not hankies, they're sock cloths."

"Which are essentially cut down hankies sewn on to socks."

"Ladies, do sock cloths sound like a ridiculous idea to you....."

Nicole and Suzy couldn't care less. They only had eyes for one pair of Earthlings, and they were clean shaven.

Contents
Chapter Thirty Nine

Brick rolled over in his sleep, straight on to six separate points of agony. Holding in any physical reaction to the pain, he opened one eye to see a coloured ball rolling away from him, only for it to strike a green wall and head back towards his nose. Lifting his head, beer mat attached to cheek, he surveyed the pool table that had been his bed.

"Howdo. Pancakes?" Spiritwind strolled past with a plate of his said offering.

"Maybe in a minute." The confused hero turned in several directions, increasingly slowly as his head reminded him of all the alcohol it was still trying to process. Only Hugo remained in the vault, the hero flat on his back across three motorised stools that repeatedly bumped into the wall; every third strike triggering murmurs of honour from the unconscious warrior.

Brick trickled from the table, removing the beer mat from his face as he wandered over to his friend, who was already seated and beginning breakfast. "Where's everyone else?"

Spiritwind swallowed a mouthful before answering. "Hugo's over there trying to out-stubborn the wall, Bozo and Schmuk passed out in the Western Bar, and everyone else disappeared to their rooms."

"Oh. Why did I sleep there when I have a perfectly good bed upstairs?"

"You'll have to ask yourself, which you can actually do." Spiritwind pointed to Other Brick, Other Spiritwind, Nicole and Suzy emerging from the staircase. The two Earthlings looked sheepish and somewhat stunned. The two feasts of lady-hood were overly touchy feely, and a tad mesmerised by the two misfits.

Brick missed the obvious body language as they approached, his mind still wondering why he dozed where he had. The fact only one of his eyes would open, and that was halfway, didn't help.

Spiritwind continued watching a debate on the news between The Dag and Corsetry Are Alright League, and the Where Did These Guys Come From And Why Is Everyone Going Along With It Collective?

"Howdo."

"Morning."

"Is it?"

"What's for breakfast?" The greetings were mere social administration.

"Coming up." Spiritwind finished a slither of pancake and stood, preparing to return to the kitchen.

"Why would you, I, sleep on the pool table when there's a perfectly good bed upstairs?" Brick aimed his words at Other Brick as the foursome took their places in the booth, snugly.

"I didn't. Yes. What?" Other Brick panicked.

"Why did I.....why are you panicking? Hold on." Brick's realisation eye twitched. "You lot have actually gone and started a thing haven't you?" Other Brick and Other Spiritwind offered a sincere apology with a shuffle of their lips. "That's very depressing. I thought I had at least one more night to step in and counter woo one of you."

"You wanted to woo us?" Nicole turned from Other Brick's cheek.

"Of course we did. You're hotter than the sun in an oven, and you can drink pints really fast."

"But you're two of the greatest heroes alive, throbbing with professionalism beyond our grasp, on a mission to bring down Evil forever. Why would you want to lower yourselves to us?"

"I think I'm struggling to distinguish between desire and reality again." Spiritwind returned with a tray of breads and meats. "Could you repeat what you said to me, to him?" Brick asked Nicole to repeat herself to his bald friend.

"Brick said you may have wanted to woo us, so I asked why you would want to slum it with us being that you're two of the greatest heroes alive, throbbing with professionalism beyond our grasp, on a mission to bring down Evil forever."

Brick looked at his friend for help. "Are we still asleep? This could all be a dream sequence." Brick hit his head on the table in the hope he'd wake up. It just hurt, a lot.

"I, erm......might need some sauces." Spiritwind didn't know how to react to a woman that genuinely thought he was great. He'd been happy thinking they didn't stand a chance with such beauty. Retreat appeared to be his best option, until Nicole spoke further.

"It's too late now anyway, although it's a mighty shame." Brick looked up from his slammed forehead to catch an expression that would sizzle itself on to his very soul. "Other Brick and Other Spiritwind are our love interest for the mission. Can't have more than one a mission as a hero, not unless you're grieving over a lost love and the new love is understanding and pure enough to bring your heart out of retirement."

"Or if you're duped into loving the bad guy until his veil slips and his true identity and intentions are revealed." Suzy added options, with an unjustified tone of rebuke.

"Of course, but to just plain dump somebody because you want someone else; it's downright un-heroic." Nicole nibbled a pancake in honour.

Brick commented as Spiritwind set off back to the kitchen, pleased he knew where he stood once more. "There it is. That's more like the unfortunate truth that is the reality of our lives as heroes." Brick rubbed his head and swallowed the news along with a chunk of bread.

"Plus, I'm not sure about the beards. I like my men clean shaven." Suzy wiggled Other Spiritwind's cheek. He tried to smile but was still stuck in disbelief. "Once went out with an actual beard; went bald over time. There was nothing underneath it. Just woke up to a clump of hair and no boyfriend anymore." Suzy wheeled out an anecdote from nowhere in particular. It made her furious.

"Is that metaphorical?" Brick had to make sure.

"I wish it was; took me six dentals to get over him. Spent three of them thinking it was an elaborate hoax and he'd run off. I spanned three galaxies tracking him down, and when that failed I went after his family. Kicked the door down at his parent's house, a moustache and a bob, lovely couple; they told me baldness ran in the family, terrible wasting disease for his kin. I apologised for the damage, punched the door back on to its hinges, had a cup of borgle, and went on my way." Other Spiritwind wondered if it was too late to swap partners as Brick made an effort to rebuke the returning Spiritwind.

"You said women love beards, said they'd be queuing up for a peck on the cheek."

"I thought you said that. I said it'd save money on razors." Spiritwind was relaxed once more.

"Yes, but you went along with it." Brick was convinced he was right.

"I did. To deny it with words that must pass through the very beard that proves me wrong would make me an idiot." Spiritwind built a multi-meat concoction and tottered back towards the kitchen.

"Unbelievable." Brick hadn't found the same joy in the news.

"Many join you in your doubt, but I stand before you as prime evidence that such greatness can exist. Prime as in the hunk of steak you may get for tea, not the number. Although I'm as awesome as those too, just in case any maths chicks are listening." Hugo stood proudly; hand on Brick's shoulder, assuming the unbelievable comment referred to him.

"Did you know they had a thing going on?" Brick interrupted Hugo's grin.

"Who?" The grin remained.

"Them four." Brick wafted towards the offending lovers.

Hugo sat down with a disappointed thud. "What all four of them, together?" Hugo checked his pocket for an invite he may have missed.

"No. Me and Other Brick, and Suzy and Other Spiritwind." Nicole added details.

"I did not know that." The supreme hero picked up a handful of sausages and chewed methodically and disappointedly.

"Besotted, apparently, and it could have been us if we'd asked earlier."

"And maybe had a shave." Suzy felt the comment necessary, the shake of the fist came out of habit. Brick folded his arms. Other Brick and Other Spiritwind continued to apologise with every inch of their bodies.

"Makes you wonder what the point is in having a body that inspires mountains to weep." Hugo poked at the bacon.

"Indeed." Brick came dangerously close to agreeing with Hugo while tensing his own nipple.

"Who's for eggs?" Spiritwind added a plate of fried eggs to the gathering.

The general murmurs of agreement and egg compliments gave way to several minutes eating. All pondered on the new social dynamic, except Spiritwind who couldn't decide if he'd added too much pepper to the bacon. By the time they finished, Hugo had a new focus, and vent.

"You know what I do when I get frustrated at things not going exactly my way, which is almost never?" The sausages had fuelled Hugo's ire.

"Get over it and move on?" Brick offered an answer, question, and advice in one sentence.

"Not at all my favourite pal." Hugo slapped Brick's back, leaving a signed picture where his hand had struck. "No, I find some Evil and give it a thwacking until I feel better about myself."

"I'm not sure that's the official advice from all the professional bodies, but funnily enough, coincidence has arranged for a showdown between Good and Evil this very night." Brick mirrored Hugo's slap, only without the same force, or personal merchandise. "Although we may have to help Evil succeed in order for our plan to work." Brick threw in the details flippantly.

Hugo's face nearly fell off in panic. "What devilry."

"Has nobody filled you in on what's going on? The whole undercover evil plan we're working on?"

Hugo stood, ready to tear off his suit and start delivering thumps. "Evil has no plan. It has an idea, but it generally just acts means all over the place with the vague intention of pushing a big button somewhere, until I show up and thwart it."

"It's a little more complicated than that. Sit down a minute. You're making me dizzy having to look up like this." Brick did genuinely feel as though he was about to fall off his chair. Hugo sat, in response to Nicole and Suzy's beckoning and assurances that it was okay.

"You know that me and my compatriot here are enrolled at Evil University, and taking over this planet is our final assessment in order to pass the course." Brick waited for any kind of flinch he could interpret as a nod. It came as a flicker of an eyelid. "Well, the Chancellor likes the way we work and wants to promote us as the future philosophy of Evil. Obviously once we're installed as such we can manipulate it to Good's advantage, but to do that we need to defeat whatever Spon throws our way upon Noel Hill later, which may well involve us beating heroes." Brick's words simmered Hugo to a mild, rippling twitch that toured his face.

"So, ultimately, we're still on the side of Good?" Hugo had to be sure. He couldn't face paying off another scandal.

"Yes."

"Then bring on whoever wants a slice of frustration thumping pie." Hugo beamed brighter than a neon tube receiving a lifetime achievement award. Underneath all that tensing he was a simple man who just wanted to punch people justifiably.

"So, any secret preparations for our showdown with Good/Evil/whoever? Exploding grass? Treetop sniper you befriended earlier but hasn't been mentioned for a while? Any comrades that said they were leaving who may fly back at the most opportune moment?" The grin definitely expected a yes. All it got was a shrug and a shake of the head.

"Is that what you'd normally arrange?" Brick fished for tips.

"Not at all my physically inferior peer." Hugo felt the moment deserved standing up again. "I rely on my good old hero intuition upon approach. I work alone you see, my risks are my risks, and I take them gladly if it means one more heartbeat for the innocent." Hugo tried to squeeze out a tear. It just hurt his eye. "My finely tuned senses always smell out any skulduggery and traps the bad guy may be expecting me to walk in to, can't trust Evil, that's its thing. I usually sabotage anything they've set up so it backfires to my smug grin, then I enter the arena boldly, reacting with untold wit and posturing, ready to improvise anything else I may need until victory is there for Good."

"Sounds like you mainly wing it." Brick wasn't buying in to the bold language.

"A hero is prepared......"

"You definitely wing it." Spiritwind agreed, as did the rest of the nodding table.

"Which is fine; it's best to assess the situation as it unfolds." Brick stood and offered Hugo another pat on the back. "Just wanted to be sure we were doing things right." Brick rubbed his hands. "So if all we need to do is turn up, looks like we have a free afternoon; anyone for Space Hopper Polo?"

The room stood as one triumphant group and followed Brick to the outdoor arena, popping to The Western Bar on the way to pick up more contestants in the shape of Bozo and Schmuk.

The Space Hoppers winced; there were some big fella's beneath all those disguises.

Contents
Chapter Forty

Noel Hill was unusually busy for a Thursday. Other than squirrel bingo on a Tuesday, it spent most of its time moody and abandoned; however tonight had seen the installation of a stone circle, three people hiding in a bushel nearby, and two people carrying out some form of rehearsal in its centre.

Spon straightened Dollop's mask then took a step back. He pondered, stepped forward, gave another tweak then smiled to himself.

"I think this is going to work." As far as the world was concerned, a businessman was talking to Hugo Cortizone: the greatest hero in the universe.

The Chancellor whipped out a mirror and held it up; Dollop peered at his reflection with still contemplation.

Having spent hours in the Hugo suit, back at the university, the shock of seeing his own eyes amidst the features of his nemesis' had been quelled, although a shiver of conflict still ran through him. The time Dollop had spent guarding Hugo, back on Ahriman, had defused any need for battle. The henchman no longer needed to prove his physical superiority in a contest he could now see was only against him self. At least that's what his head had decided; his heart still thought it would be quite satisfying to take a running thump at the muscled balloon.

"That may be them." Spon snapped the mirror shut and turned at the sound of approaching noise. Peering into the dusk, it was hard to tell the difference between a band of heroes and a group of fruity badgers.

The three occupants of the bushel that sat twenty feet from the circle, Bum, Yakkety and Jiggery, had no idea what to expect other than the demise of Dag and Corsetry. For them, everything was exciting, be it badgers or a face-off between Good and Evil.

"So you know what to do?" Brick continued to remind Other Brick of his duties. He didn't want to end up in a dimension without cushions by mistake.

"Not a problem." Other Brick looked oblivious and still a little day-dreamy from memories of his new girlfriend.

"Really, because you've got that, not paying attention and just agreeing with things, expression on your face?"

"Have I?" Other Brick tried to look at his own face. He thought the element of surprise may make it possible. It didn't.

"Yes. I've pulled it enough times to know."

"But don't you find things work out okay after you've pulled it?"

"Usually, although there was that time with the deckchair." Brick looked down at his shin. Other Brick mirrored his action. "And when my potential eternity is on the line, I'd rather have a little certainty."

"Look, if it all goes wrong we'll just travel back in time and fix it." Other Brick turned to glance at Nicole, to check she was real. Nicole waved back in a sickeningly lovely fashion. She and Suzy wandered behind with Hugo, the two Spiritwinds were ahead. Bozo and Schmuk ambled at the general pace. They regaled each other with memories of Space Hopper Polo and their victory.

"And how will you do that?" Brick pursued Other Brick's solution.

"Hm. Sorry, what?"

"Go back in time?"

"That's an option isn't it? It's always an option in these situations."

"To be honest I have no idea what the rules of heroic narrative do and don't allow, I've given up on being surprised and just wait for a kiss that never comes....." Other Brick wondered if Brick was asking for a peck on the lips from him. He waited for the moment of uncertainty to pass without acting."....but just in case we can't, don't forget to shoot us."

"Ah, so you brought guests?" Spon interrupted any further discussion, and relieved Other Brick's kissing dilemma. As far as the Earthling was concerned, the option to engage in passion was now the Chancellor's.

"Guests, staff. These new working regulations; have to give them a holiday, thought this would count." Brick apologised with a shrug.

Spon pulled Brick closer and whispered. "Is it wise to bring your potential nemiseeeees along to the final showdown?" The Chancellor pointed at Other Brick and Other Spiritwind.

"We're pretty certain that isn't them, just a pair of standard Brick and Spiritwinds." Brick wafted a blasé thumb in their direction.

"How can you be so sure?"

"We asked them." Brick used his no further discussion needed because it's fine tone.

"Okay." Spon believed him, to Brick's amazement. Nobody ever accepted his reassurances, even minor ones about the weather he'd just been out in. He celebrated quietly and decided not to mention Hugo Cortizone and the two grade three heroes; plus the fact that they were actually the real grade five Brick and Spiritwind. "Follow me." Spon ushered Brick and Spiritwind into the stone circle. Other Spiritwind wandered back to Other Brick.

"Was this always here?" Spiritwind didn't recall a circle of twenty foot tall stones ever being atop Noel Hill.

"The stones, no, had them installed. Thought it would add to the drama. Plan to have lightning bouncing off them once I get in the editing suite."

"You'll have to send us a copy." Spiritwind nibbled a bhaji as he surveyed.

"Send you a copy? Why, it'll be on a loop in the foyer of the museum dedicated to the tale of your victory."

"Okay. I'll catch it there then."

Spon considered a double-take at the bald man's casual nature, but thought it not worth the effort. "So, I'll be over behind the pillar marked with the faint purple smear, filming everything. Bear that in mind for any throws or posturing you wish to do; monologues too."

"Throws? What will we be throwing?" Brick felt it was his duty to know.

"Why, your opponent of course." Spon continued to flourish with his arms.

"Our opponent; where's an opponent come from? We've been nice to everyone, haven't we?" Brick looked at Spiritwind.

"You annoyed that girl in the bakers." Spiritwind had to be honest.

"I still maintain that was her problem. It's not my fault the signs are so confusing."

"What's confusing about 'four sausage rolls for two pound'?"

"The point is do you think we've been lured here to batter a baker's assistant?" Brick had a point, at last.

"Probably not."

"Of course not, you'll be defeating the mighty Hugo Cortizone." Spon raised his arms. Brick and Spiritwind expected an explosion would erupt behind him in the final edit.

"Oh. Hugo Cortizone you say." Brick and Spiritwind looked at each other, then back at their gurning cocktail barman, then back to Spon.

"Of course, it won't really be him. Dollop is disguised as him." Spon pointed to another boulder. A red, lycra clad arm waved from behind it.

"I wish you'd mentioned this sooner, Spon." Brick could see only calamity ahead.

"I wanted it to be a surprise. So, you'll enter from the pillar with the green chalk upon it, chattering about your success in conquering the Earth and how you're off to the next conquest. Then when you go to board your ship, Hugo will step out from his pillar, and the show begins. Sound good?"

"Wondrous."

"He summed it up." Spiritwind pointed at Brick.

"So, back to your corners and come out whenever you're ready." Spon ushered the duo back towards their staff, clapping excitedly as he disappeared behind his purple marked pillar, ready for filming.

"Bozo, Schmuk. Things may be about to get a little fist fruity, but don't worry. We know you're ready to lay down your lives for your glorious masters, but just hold back. It's all under control." Bozo and Schmuk had no problem with doing nothing. It had been the best lesson their bosses had taught them; however Spiritwind had a slight concern about Harry Jalapeno, their cocktail barman.

"What do we do when Hugo sees Hugo?"

"Sit back and see what happens."

"Good plan. Would you like a bhaji?" It was all Spiritwind could muster as the script threatened to implode.

Contents
Chapter Forty One

"It's nice to be told we're walking into a trap for once." Brick thought out loud as the heroic duo wandered in to the stone circle.

"I think this could turn out be a series of traps. I've lost count of how many missions are going on." Spiritwind tucked in to a toasty.

Brick began trying to count the pseudonyms and double crosses that had been woven into their simple night out. The ponderous look to the sky did nothing but divert his attention towards a hovering bird as Spiritwind searched for their escape craft.

"Magic, give us a clue, buddy." Spiritwind whispered to the entire hill, unsure of where Magical Causality had positioned himself. Invisibility was incredibly useful for masking your presence, but terrible when your owners struggled to remember where they'd left their faces.

A hiss and a clunk emerged from the left. A brief flash of an armchair was allowed to be seen. It spurred Spiritwind in to speech mode. He pointed his cheese laden toast towards the purple marked pillar and spoke, methodically.

"Come, Dag. We can leave this planet, safe in the knowledge it is ours to return to and cause untold mischief upon, at will." Spiritwind sat down on an invisible seat with a trusting thud.

Brick stopped staring upwards, and searched for the bold man that had just spoke. Seeing Spiritwind grinning and nodding back to him, he responded with his own mechanical, role-play response. "Indeed." He followed his friend to their craft.

Equally trustingly, Brick fell back towards an invisible armchair, inevitably passing straight through the air and onto his back. As he sat up, the disguised Dollop emerged.

"Any return you wish to make presumes you'll ever leave." Dollop stood heroically, fists on hips and chin pointing to the sky, the realisation that profound monologues were harder than they appeared dawning upon him, and adding a little respect for Hugo and his verbal fluidity.

Spiritwind again turned towards the filming pillar as his chair lifted him nearer the entrance of his craft. He had to crouch in his seat to deliver the whole sentence. "Hugo Cortizone. I'm glad you could make it to your demise." A thumb popped up from behind the boulder. Spon approved of the bald man's retort.

"It's easy for you to be hard, you're about to escape." Brick shouted up to his friend, panicking to find a chair as Dollop bound towards him.

"I'll be back round in a minute."

"Your friend abandons you, as does the luck that has seen your success. Prepare for reality to strike back." Dollop felt it was definitely an improvement. Pleased with the patter he thrust a punch down towards the still scrabbling Brick.

Brick's gymnastic instincts, a complimentary part of the grade five package, took over, back-flipping him ten feet away from danger. Dollop paused. He'd never seen Evil use such dexterity, in fact he'd only ever seen such manoeuvres from heroes. It appeared the genes they shared with their Good twins stretched beyond simple tactics.

As the ponderous henchman turned to face his opponent, a whistle shot through the air. A Spiritwind shaped blur cut the atmosphere, hit the floor, and rolled perfectly to stand by his partner's side.

"How did you do that?" Brick was impressed.

"No idea; only meant to stand up."

Spon was mesmerised, feeling the balance of power trickling towards Evil with every somersault.

Dollop ran at the duo. Both leapt effortlessly over his head, throwing in a few extra spins for no reason other than it made them look good. Spiritwind's mid-air pause for a lick of his lolly was outright excessive.

As the heroes continued to demonstrate their circus skills of avoidance, the real Hugo continued to quiz Nicole and Suzy about what Other Brick and Other Spiritwind had that he didn't. His list of comparisons was growing tiresome.

"......can they bench press a kaleidoscope tree? Wrestle a family of killer seals? Out-mystery a planet of shadows?...."

"......You really should be more concerned with what's going on over there." Nicole couldn't take it anymore and pointed to the melee. Hugo turned.

Initially dismissing the scene, he gazed upon it further, squinting in disbelief as realisation entered his mind. He looked at Nicole with an open mouth. No words were ready to come out for what felt like a minute.

"By flippers and kittens, is that me?"

"It looks like it." Nicole was pleased to have moved the conversation along.

"But......Then.......Where.......When......." Hugo uttered nothingness as he hypnotically strolled towards the battle, passing in to the stone circle.

Nicole nudged Suzy to suggest things were about to get interesting while Other Brick and Other Spiritwind sat down on the edge of the arena. Spon focused his camera on the wandering figure in genuine intrigue, and Bum nearly rolled out of his bushel in eagerness. He didn't have a clue what was going on but thought Other Brick and Other Spiritwind had arranged an intriguing spectacle.

After running head first into a fourth pillar, due to Brick and Spiritwind's perfectly timed evasive flips, Dollop turned with a growing sense of haze and confusion. Seeing a white tuxedo wearing, cocktail barman approaching, didn't throw him as much as it would do under normal circumstances.

"You are Hugo Cortizone?" Hugo wanted to understand.

"Autographs later son, for now you need to stand back while I do the work of Good. I'm just proud to be its tool." Perhaps a few knocks to the head were the key to heroic patter.

As his eyes straightened, Dollop recognised the friend he'd made back at the pub. "Harry Jalapeno? What are you doing here?"

"You have made a fatal error, friend, for I know Harry Jalapeno has never met the beyond awesome Hugo Cortizone; for Harry Jalapeno, is Hugo Cortizone." Hugo unzipped the back of his costume, releasing the full ten foot frame it had been concealing. Dollop took a step back. Spon dropped his camera. Bum nearly fainted. Yakkety continued to talk about pixies.

"You! Again!" Dollop reverted to simplistic, Evil patter as the pair circled each other. "And I thought we were friends, Jalapeno." The reveal of who Harry really was only strengthened Dollop's belief that they were the same people underneath all the farce. Their disguises had allowed them to bond in genuine friendship.

"Have we met? Who is behind that mask of skeletal perfection?" Hugo tensed, instantly straightening out any crumples and folds his lycra had been subjected to in the tiny suit. Catching Dollop's eye, a pained memory he hadn't noticed back at The Cloak and Dagger hinted at the truth, a glimmer of the once loved soul of Fayre Maiden trickling forth.

"Oh we've met, three times. Twice I've taken away a nostril, and once I left with your heart." Slowly the aged henchman pulled back the facial hood, revealing his scarred features. Hugo blinked, staring not only into Dollop's face but his own heartache.

Brick and Spiritwind sensed their part in the fight was over and roly-polyed their way to the opposite side of the circle to get comfortable and secure a good view.

Hugo touched his own nose and the prosthetic nostrils he'd been left with, then his chest which had never fully recovered. "Fayre Maiden?"

"We've been through the technicalities of this, but for the purposes of drama and succinctness, yes."

Realisation turned to fury in Hugo's eyes, the anger turned into a head butt aimed straight at Dollop's nose. The henchman moved, leaving a knee in place to strike the oncoming torso. Hugo winced but spun to continue his pursuit. Grabbing for Dollop's face, Dollop caught the hero's arms and directed his momentum towards the pillar Spon hid behind. The Chancellor had retrieved the camera and filmed a perfect close up of Mr Cortizone striking the obelisk.

Dollop had the upper hand, a position he'd been in before, but not with such ease. He remembered all the times he'd paused to allow Hugo to compose himself and plot victory, and did something Evil did not teach: he learnt from his mistakes. Without hesitation Dollop leapt at the hero, landing blow after blow and repeatedly thrusting him head first in to the stone pillar. Nicole and Suzy watched on, unsure whether this was all part of Brick and Spiritwind's master plan and if they should jump in at any point. They followed Brick and Spiritwind's lead and held back. Bozo and Schmuk weren't paid enough to try and work out whose side they should be on. They had their orders to stay out of things and were happy to obey.

"That's definitely going to fall." Brick commented on the slab of mountain that Dollop continued to thrust Hugo's face into. A horizontal line had appeared around five feet up, and deepened with each strike.

"Indeed. The question is how many people will be under it when it does?"

"Good does normally have a way of avoiding such things. Part of the package I believe." Brick tried to sound knowledgeable, he just sounded vague.

"However, I think the lines between Good and Evil are duly smudged in this tale." Spiritwind nibbled philosophically on a cracker.

"Then I guess we'll just have to see what the universe has decided."

A thud with an echo of a crack rang out across the hill as the rock became two, one balancing precariously upon the other. Each attack jolted the upper portion slightly nearer the edge as the brawling pair battled upon its destined landing spot. Spon skipped to the next pillar along, to avoid being revealed when the slab finally fell, keeping the lens focused firmly on Hugo.

As much as Dollop had been lost in vengeance, his control and clarity remained. He'd spotted the wobbling rock and the consequences it held for the pair, and allowed Hugo's limp body to fall to the floor, facing the sky. The hero's eyes were closed, suggesting unconsciousness, but suggestion had no place in such battles of the righteous. Certainty was the only foundation any victory can be built upon.

Dollop sat across the chest of his foe, holding back his latest blow, breathing heavily as he studied at his quandary. He wasn't convinced that Hugo could be defeated so easily. The past lit up his mind, reminding him of all the times he'd celebrated only to be reeled back to a crushing defeat. This time would be different.

Glancing upwards, the henchman could see the rock had reached a point where physics would no longer hold it in place. It tilted towards him, picking up momentum as the shadow it cast fell across both he and his bounty, yet still he held his position, pinning Hugo to the ground. The old him would have stood up by now, declaring victory and turning his back to his enemy, laughing to nobody in particular, but he knew Good had last second timing to perfection.

With the crushing weight looming, mere moments from impact, the new, wiser Dollop leaned in and whispered to his defeated enemy. "Finally, victory over you is mine."

"Not so fast." Hugo's eyes popped open in true Cortizone fashion. "The only finality is......"

The sentence remained incomplete as Dollop rolled to his left at the final second, leaving Hugo to take the full force of the falling slab. The hero hadn't anticipated Dollop leaving no time for a witty comeback and a final manoeuvre. It was bad etiquette, but as the shaped boulder split into untold pieces across the slain body of all that was right, Dollop had no apology to offer.

Turning back towards his old enemy, ready to defend himself should Hugo have survived, Dollop was stunned to see the worshipped hero genuinely unconscious and covered in fragments of Spon's scenery. The Chancellor continued to film in silence, he'd captured it all.

Dollop slowly stood and looked down on the rubble in disbelief, panting heavily, joined by Spon. "Did I, I just beat Hugo Cortizone?" The distant and long held thump of vengeance in his heart reduced itself to a murmur, promising to stop interfering with the rhythm of his daily thoughts.

"I think you did." Shocked silence swept across the hill. "Although I may have to edit it to look like they did." Spon was unapologetic in his motive as he zoomed in on the seated Brick and Spiritwind.

"Whatever Evil needs."

The hill and its occupants began to realise something monumental had just occurred, except for Yakkety who suddenly realised 'Uncle' Temerity wasn't actually related to anyone in his family. They wandered towards the cloud of dust with one question in mind: Was this really the end of a legend?

Contents
Chapter Forty Two

Spon continued to film the fallen idol, using the zoom to full effect, still unsure how his plan had ended with the genuine Hugo Cortizone unconscious. What was he even doing here? Did the rest of the universe know he supplemented his hero wage with casual bar work? Answers would have to wait for the excitement and shock to dissipate, or to be speculated on wildly as they added to the mystery and legend of Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload.

The rest of the hill had been drawn to the body. Nicole and Suzy stood with Other Brick and Other Spiritwind, Other Brick felt sure he was forgetting to do something.

Dollop remained disbelieving of the truth that lay before him, a lightness wishing to enter his soul and remove the knots that had plagued him, but held back in fear of the twist he was sure had to be coming.

Brick and Spiritwind had sauntered across from their seats and completed a disjointed line of puzzlement as Bozo and Schmuk stood a few feet back, peering over everybody's shoulders, oblivious to the underlying politics that were unfolding.

"This isn't supposed to happen, is it? I mean in the grand scheme of the universe." Brick raised a point.

"Not at all; you've broken the spell of heroics. Not only have you managed to lure the real Hugo Cortizone here through unfathomable narrative, but you lured him to humiliation. I knew you were special, but this is beyond any dreams I'd dared consider. Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload: future legends indeed." Spon held the camera on the ground and filmed upwards to accentuate their height, turning the grain setting to maximum. He wished to give the pair a tusk or two in the final edit. Plus, he knew footage of rare events had to be of debatable quality or they would be instantly dismissed as set up in a studio.

"Was this part of your plan?" Nicole whispered towards Brick, pointing at the unconscious Hugo, her mind filled with endless adoration for the extra twist they'd added without telling anyone. They were writing new layers of heroics without even trying.

"Sort of." Brick always felt whatever happened was part of the plan.

"Are you two just going to stand there?" Bum wrestled himself into the circle, tearing off his mask to minimal impact as he did. Jiggery and Yakkety sidled towards Bozo and Schmuk. All four were still disguised as the drinking and wrestling buddies that had spent the last few days in the pub. They let on with a nod of familiarity and waited to see what would happen next.

Other Brick turned round. He sensed he was being spoken to.

"Yes, you; you haven't tried to stop them once." Bum continued to vent, a corkscrew popping from his arm in fury.

"I'm not entirely sure why you have a problem with me, or where you've been hiding such a useful tool. You must be incredibly popular at parties." Other Brick was entirely distracted by the false arm.

"Bum-Raa, what are you doing here?" Spon stepped forward, removing his own disguise as he did so. Nobody gasped at the walnut-headed man. They sensed they may need it for revelations yet to come. These things always grew in shock value.

"I'm here on a personal mission from your boss; although I could ask the same question of you, Vice Chancellor. This is clearly favouritism." Bum placed his hands on his hips, ready to release an evil chortle.

"I see news has not reached you of Chancellor Doolally's disappearance."

"Disapp..."

"Yes, disappearance; making me the new Chancellor, so I ask you again, why are you here interfering with Dag and Corsetry's mission when you should be on your own failure to capture the Earth?"

"I....well.....it's like this......." With nowhere to turn the student sought solace in unfounded blame and a strop. "This is your fault." Bum lunged towards Other Brick and Other Spiritwind, nearly spilling Other Spiritwind's bowl of ice-cream. With no hero powers for the Earth based duo to fall back on, Nicole stepped forward and spun Bum away from his onslaught.

"Jiggery, Yakkety, attack." Bum yelped as he fell to the ground. Checking his hand he found the silver tube he'd been aiming to swipe from Other Brick's neck. With the dimensionator in his possession he satisfied himself with an understated cackle and waited for his moment.

The two henchmen tore through their suits and grimaced their imposing bulk in the direction of Nicole and Suzy. Bozo and Schmuk instantly recognised the pair from their class, and suddenly realised how two randomly passing joggers had happened to know so many choke throws.

Suzy held out her hand to assure Nicole that she'd deal with it, then grinned back at the rippling duo in a manner that would see her sedated and sectioned should she do it within hospital grounds, her twitching eye only confirming it to be the right decision.

Before either henchman could launch a punch, Suzy leapt on to her hands, between the two giants, performed the splits and spun, thrusting herself back in to the air. Each student of mischief received seven quick kicks to the face before stumbling backwards and shaking their heads. They were no match for a grade three hero.

Jiggery composed himself and leapt hands first at Suzy. Yakkety reacted in the same manner from the opposite direction. A beginner's error as they duly discovered when Suzy simply ducked and rolled backwards, leaving the naughty duo to collide and collapse upon each other. Dollop wondered if they'd listened to anything he'd taught them. He was too pleased with his own recent achievement to get involved in any new battles and settled in as an observer. Everyone else wondered why Dag and Corsetry had spent money on bouncers when their barmaids were harder than a Sudoku with only one starting number.

Leaping upon the resulting pile of henchman, Suzy wasted no time in unleashing a flurry of hits and locks, leaving the pair unconscious and tied up by their own limbs. She skipped down from the mound of petulance, wiping her hands and calming her face; however, the distraction of battle had given Bum the time he needed to work out how to switch the dimensionator on. He stood up with a little bounce of delight and prepared for his own moment in the spotlight.

"Now we shall see justice. Stand back. This thing is set for a land where the only seats are nails and only one bed exists, and it's eternally on fire." Brick considered the merits of a fire blanket and how long a doze you could manage beneath it. "The only thing to eat is mud and the women are indistinguishable from vomit. It shall be your new kingdom, Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload." Bum laughed and fired the beam, then fell over as a result of Nicole's fist striking his jaw. His beard cracked, a half inch chunk falling to the ground as his body impacted the floor, leaving a bald patch as Brick and Spiritwind disappeared in a green haze. Everyone released the gasp they'd been holding from earlier, except for Other Brick, who tutted and raised his finger in remembrance of his task.

"What have you done?" Spon fell to his knees, keeping the camera focused on the spot where Dag and Corsetry had previously stood. Even in anguish the shot was his first concern. "You buffoon."

Hugo began to stir with perfect timing, rocks falling from his chest.

"We should leave, Spon." Dollop saw the re-animation of the ultimate hero and knew what to do. As proud as he was of his victory, he knew not to grow too bold and push it. "Bozo, Schmuk; I suggest you return to the university with us."

"Okay." They'd been trained well by Dollop and understood their overlord's defeat meant the loss of everything. Standing around and fighting the hero to the death was futile. You just had to head back to the job centre the following week and start all over again.

They offered a brief wave to Nicole, Suzy, Other Brick and Other Spiritwind; and patted the pile of sleeping henchmen they'd befriended, as they trundled towards their ship.

"But what about Dag and Corsetry?" Spon was still on his knees.

"They're gone, for now at least." Dollop considered talking in such a manner forever. "We have the footage and their memory. We can still change Evil in their honour."

"I suppose so; may be for the best after all." Spon relinquished his emotion, stood up, and fled towards their ship. "They were a little flaky."

Nicole and Suzy looked around the increasingly emptying hill. It would take a pie chart and a two hour presentation to work out what had occurred and the potential consequences for Good and Evil. Instead, they focused on the present and began removing some of the smaller chunks of rubble from the emerging Hugo. Other Brick and Other Spiritwind kicked a few pebbles out of the way. Bum, Jiggery and Yakkety remained comatose and entangled, respectively.

"By thunder and flames, what happened?"

"You got knocked out." Other Brick saw it as the only way he could help.

"Hugo Cortizone. Knocked out? I think not son. You must be mistaking me for a bad guy that came across my path." Hugo grinned, everyone felt awkward.

"That was you, just then, lay under all those rocks with your eyes shut?" Other Brick saw an easy argument to win.

"It's hard to say." Hugo stood, woozily, and dusted himself down. "The last few moments of life are beyond my memory for now."

"Because you were knocked out." Other Brick turned to his nodding friend. "Am I making this all up and he's actually right?"

"He is very convincing."

"Nicole, Suzy. Why is this man persisting in such myths?" Hugo turned to the ladies. He thought he may as well try for a sympathetic cuddle.

"Well, you were a little bit unconscious for a while there." As much as Nicole tired of Hugo's ways she didn't wish to destroy him, although she had no intention of cuddling him either.

"Then it must have been time to replenish my energy. Small naps, that's me; wouldn't want to deprive the universe of such wonder for too long." He flexed. Other Brick began to doubt his own mind. "Time to continue saving.......what was I saving?" Hugo stuttered around the hilltop, clueless as to why.

"It's saved, Hugo. All sorted, tidied up the last few bits while you had your nap. Where are you parked?" Nicole humoured the warrior while guiding his stumbles towards the direction he wafted, in.

"Excellent, another jab in the ribs of Evil complete. Makes me so proud I could.....what could I do?" Hugo turned to Nicole with a query and prepared his arms for any incoming hugs.

"Take a thousand photos and send them to everyone you know?" It was the best she had as Chieftain appeared with a shimmer. Full reveal went beyond normal protocol, but after what had just happened, nobody could be sure any of the laws of the universe remained in place.

"Why a thousand when this finger could click a million times!" Hugo tried to stand boldly. It merely reminded his body of the jelly-like nature of his knees. Suzy grabbed his other side to aid her friend. "My two favourite girls, I knew we'd be together in the end."

"Maybe another slap will bring him round." Suzy commented as they approached the ramp of his ship.

"Now that we're a team, where should Evil cower next?"

"Team; I thought you always worked alone?" Suzy had a point.

"For you I'd give up every principle I own, which isn't as many as my marketing dept claim. That goes for you too, my butter darling." The gurning face turned between both ladies, forgetting to close its mouth and dribbling pathetically as they approached Chieftains' opening.

The two female heroes propped Hugo against the doorframe then stepped back down the ramp. The ultimate being had a parting monologue to share as Chieftain's engines strummed in to life.

"It's been an honour, one we shall be sure to laugh heartily over one fine banquet from today. These times shall be scrawled across the faces of Evil, to remind them every time their dastardly reflection catches their gaze: we are Good, and we shall follow you until your demise." Hugo's fist trembled as his eyes closed and he fell backwards like an iron plank, the door closing to hide the exposed soles of his feet.

Chieftain hovered, released a jet of fire for effect, and disappeared towards the increasingly night sky, worrying a few sheep along the way.

"Can I just clarify; he was knocked out wasn't he?" Other Brick had to be sure he wasn't inventing things again.

"Of course he was, the big oaf; about time too." Nicole was unapologetic.

"I just wish I could have got a dig in at some point." Nobody doubted the truth in Suzy's words.

"Good. For a moment there I thought I was having a relapse." Other Brick rubbed his chest in relief.

"What do we do with this lot?" Other Spiritwind pointed to the littered bad guys: Bum, Yakkety and Jiggery.

"Leave them here. They'll find their way back to wherever they need to go, no doubt with plans of vengeance in mind. Bad guys always do." Nicole linked arms with Other Brick. "We've got more important things to do, like kill three days until the new leaders of Evil return." The wink almost put Other Brick in a love coma.

"What happens in three days?" Other Brick wondered why nobody mentioned forever.

"That's when the dimensionator will bring Brick and Spiritwind back here." Nicole rubbed Other Brick's hair. He lost the power of speech.

"Those guys are called Brick and Spiritwind too?" Other Spiritwind looked towards Suzy. He looked away quickly, she was still twitching slightly.

"There's so much you don't know. Just makes me want to read a book to you in a sultry manner." Suzy swept the bald, confused man into her arms and carried him away towards sheer delight. Other Spiritwind panicked at how well things were going with a woman. He knew it had to go wrong soon, but contented himself in denial for the time being.

The universe looked on trying to convince itself the balance between Good and Evil had been restored, although an irritating itch had emerged in the form of Brick and Spiritwind. Their straddling of the divide would no doubt need an ointment at some point.

Contents
Chapter Forty Three

"I'll miss the pie boats." Spiritwind stepped through the door opened by the dimensionator, back on to Noel Hill.

"You should have brought one with you." Brick replied with a satisfied face upon his shoulders.

"Why would you suggest that now and not ten minutes ago?"

"Only just thought of it." It was both valid and the truth.

"Welcome back." Nicole realised they weren't going to spot her, Suzy, Other Brick and Other Spiritwind, so made her presence known.

"Nicole. You didn't need to sit here for endless days, pining for our return." Brick opened his body language, making it clear he was open to a hug and a snog if it was going.

"We didn't. We've been in the pub. Had a great time. Only got here ten minutes ago."

"Oh. You can pretend you know."

"So, how was it?" Nicole moved things along.

"It was a marvel." Brick flexed his hands in preparation for story mode. "Gravy rivers supporting pie boats, giant pillows as cars, houses made of regenerating marshmallow, ladies with a penchant for beards." Both men stroked their hairy chins in remembered wonder, and confusion at how they'd still managed to ruin every chance they'd had with a female.

"Sounds great." Nicole was merely being polite and had no real interest in their jaunt. Believing the pleasant interest box had been ticked, she moved on. "So, you'll be pleased to know your plan is working perfectly, and at quite a pace."

"Really?" Brick was hoping for a good, long sit while things progressed slowly.

"Yes. Your names and faces, well your names more than your faces, or rather your pseudonyms, are now synonymous with Evil across the universe." Nicole opened up her wrist screen and touched it. It enlarged to a decent sized portable, and displayed images from HeroTV.

"So nothing that actually relates to the real us is known across the universe?" Brick interpreted his familiar lack of fame.

"You're right." Nicole mistook Brick's disappointment as part of a wider plan working perfectly. "You really do cover your tracks well. Genius." The fiery glare just made Brick wince at what he'd missed out on. Nicole gave Other Brick a kiss on the cheek to release the desire that had been stirred inside her.

Spon had indeed been busy in the days that had passed. He'd edited the hilltop battle and invited all the big, and small, names in Evil to the University's Cavern of Chaos for its presentation. He'd had the whole ceremony filmed under the guise of a spy sneaking in and capturing 'secret' footage of the event, then released it to numerous media outlets, including the Hero's very own channel.

Brick and Spiritwind watched the screen as a statue was unveiled, depicting the imposing bulk of Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload. Spiritwind looked down at his average body and wondered if every mirror he'd ever used was broken. The statue's ample beards reached halfway down their impossibly muscular chests, exaggerated scars ran across their hardened, and somewhat enlarged, faces. The tusks were outright excessive. They were unrecognisable as the duo that watched on from a hill on an Earth.

"Is that what I actually look like? No wonder I never pull." Brick squinted for a better view.

"At least we won't be recognised back at the Guild." Spiritwind found an instant plus, and the bubble gum within his ten pence mix-up.

"The Guild don't recognise us anyway." Brick countered with truthful woe.

The tall hero's focus returned to Nicole's arm. Spon appeared on the stage, leading the applause as footage of the prone Hugo played across a gargantuan screen behind him. It looped back round to shots from the battle. Extensive editing had succeeded in giving the appearance that the muscled up Dag and Corsetry had defeated the heroic wonder.

Spon had spliced footage of the duo's initial battle, with Dollop disguised as Hugo, with the henchman's victory over the genuine merchandising goliath. The new, battle hardened versions of them had been electronically dubbed over their meagre frames whenever they appeared on camera, equally replacing Dollop when his body had been on the end of a victorious strike; Spon's message was infinitely more important than the truth.

Standing in front of the images, Spon signalled for the raucous crowd to quieten down so he could continue talking. His voice carried through the inferior speaker system attached to Nicole's wrist, losing the treble bass he'd so carefully applied.

"Sadly, our two new hopes were cast away to another dimension. Betrayed by the very Evil they were trying to progress." The Chancellor turned to the moment Dag and Corsetry were struck by the dimensionator, focusing on Bum-Raa as he fired the ray. "Jealousy, one of our greatest traits, was turned against us. Some just couldn't handle the limelight being stolen from them and had to act." Gasps and growls intermingled to create the room's reaction.

"We must learn from this. As much as we have to heed the message not to take our eyes from our opponents, even if a hearty cackle to the sky seems like the right thing to do....." Everyone murmured in shock. Hearty cackles to the sky at the moment of perceived victory were part of the movement's very foundation. "....We must also learn that fighting against each other will only bring us tumbling from within, without even the faintest strike from Good." Spon hung his head in expected drama. It just confused everybody. Nobody was ready for such hero-esque behaviour just yet.

"We know not where or when these two giants of Evil were sent, but we know in our hearts they will return, one day, to fill in the gaps they left. Until then I have been placed in charge of their notes, their prized dossier, and all their recorded mumblings. There is enough to keep their memory burning and their ways to be taught. Their approach to the task in hand has shown results we have never dared to dream of, and in the path they have cut we shall walk with our intimidating shaped swords held high. So sign up to The Evil University of Mean and Dastardly Doings, today." A raised fist sent the cavern into rapturous growls and chants before a standard scuffle broke out towards the back. Spon noted the brawl as he left the stage, muttering to himself as he went. "Slowly but surely, slowly but surely." Nicole closed the television.

"And you say this has been seen across the universe?" Brick wondered if things had gone too far.

"Everywhere. It's been taken as a declaration of war by The Guild. Hugo's furious. Have you seen the state of his hair underneath that rubble?"

"It could do with a brush." Brick couldn't lie.

"So what's next, Dag and Corsetry?" The nudge and smirk from Nicole suggested they were now crime fighting buddies.

Brick had nothing but an open mouth and the remnants of a bacon bush in his teeth. Spiritwind spoke instead. "For now we must return to our home planet and ponder. Things have escalated quicker than we expected. We need to react as much as dictate." Spiritwind held his noble pose in the hope the words would suffice.

"You're off for a nap and a holiday aren't you?" Nicole understood.

"Want to come with us?" Brick thought it was worth a try, quickly wondering where was cheap to book at this time of year.

"No. I think we're going to stay here for a while, until the romance of the adventure wears off and we decide the relationships we've started aren't going to last for some tenuous reason that means we can't appear in any sequel."

"You're emotionally cold. I like that in a woman." Brick considered throwing in a wink, but decided to try playing hard to get instead.

Spiritwind couldn't handle any further poor attempts at flirting and made his own decision. "I feel our adventure has come to its natural conclusion. Anybody else sense this is a goodbye moment?"

"I'd struggle to argue against it. Although you will be in touch with the next stage of the plan, won't you?" Nicole had been led on before.

"Once we know, you'll know." Spiritwind just wanted his sofa. Plans to bring down Evil barely registered on his priorities list, or would do once he'd written one out.

"I'll hold you to that." Suzy shook hands along with a stare that would make Spiritwind check under his bed every night for a month.

"Okay then." Spiritwind went to shake hands with Other Brick and Other Spiritwind, but they were still lost in a daydream about women actually liking them enough to stick around for several days. They shared a social glance that said everything they needed to.

Spiritwind walked towards an open patch of hill and whispered towards Magic for a clue on his whereabouts. An armchair flickered into view and then disappeared, set to its slowest setting so as not to repeat Brick's earlier incompetence.

Brick offered actual words to Other Brick and Other Spiritwind. Having said goodbye to himself before, he approached the conversation with the nonchalance he felt. "Goodbye Other Brick and Other Spiritwind. I know your confusion and general attitude to life means you need nothing more than a mild see you later."

They still had little more than a nod and a dawning of realisation in the corner of their eye, although it was entirely unclear what they were realising.

"Oh, before you go." Nicole stopped Brick as he began his stroll. He bit his lip in belief playing hard to get had worked, although far quicker than he expected, and that he was about to receive a declaration of love. "You should take this. You out-rank us, and it is your mission." Nicole held out the dimensionator.

"Oh. Thanks." Brick would definitely have preferred a kiss to a cylindrical tube with the power to control dimensions.

He turned, dejectedly, and wandered towards the armchairs, preparing an ambivalently cool tone to leave as his last impression with the ladies. A pivot on one foot was accompanied by a pointing finger. "Nicole, Suzy, we'll be in touch." The finger never got the chance to click its fictitious trigger as a chair scooped him up before he was ready. The panicked waving as he disappeared into the hull gave the entirely opposite impression he'd been aiming for.

The duo set off for home without the fried chicken they'd initially set out for, but they returned with a new qualification, a fresh mission to chase, and a shiny, dimension transporting toy to play with. In truth, they'd have been happier with a box of battered birds and an anecdote about the failed wooing of an entire dance-floor of ladies.

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Chapter Forty Four

"So this is what success feels like. I believe we should start to get used to this, Vice Chancellor." Spon sat at his desk, Dollop in front of him. Every newspaper from the surrounding galaxies was sprawled across his work station, clips from endless news channels playing on the screens around the room; all heralding the new faces of Evil: Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload.

"Let's not forget that presumed success is at the core of Evil's past errors." Dollop tried to keep the Chancellor grounded and away from slipping back into failed Evil ways straight away.

"Of course, Dollop. It's just exciting to see something working for once."

"It hasn't worked until it's finished. We mustn't forget that. That's why I didn't hesitate when Hugo went down. In the past I'd have savoured the moment, paused to tease his defeated eyes, and that's when Good strikes. We must not believe a little media frenzy to be reality."

"You're quite the philosopher, Dollop, and a lovely way with words." Spon was pleased to see his choice of assistant fruiting so well.

"I'm just used to how these things work. You're never closer to defeat than when celebrating victory."

"Then let us rejoice, only slightly." As much Spon liked his new compatriot, he was proving to be slightly on the pessimistic side. The Chancellor worried he may not be able to fully enjoy the jelly pies he'd ordered.

"But keep one eye open for tomorrow." Dollop gazed out of the window, wondering if his retirement to a mountain retreat had moved a little further down the path of life.

"I like that. If we can translate that in to Latin we may have a slogan right there; it's both understated and aware." Spon scribbled the words on paper before they could be forgotten. "You see. Old Evil wouldn't be thinking about slogans; too wrapped up in pillaging and fighting over chicken legs."

A knock emanated from the door.

"Enter." Dollop prepared to attack, should it be needed. It wouldn't be beyond heroics to have faked the whole hilltop episode, and for Hugo to stroll in to reveal one final twist. It wasn't, as Bozo and Schmuk emerged.

"You asked to see us." Bozo spoke for the pair.

"I did. As you were there at the beginning of all this I feel your coincidental timing should be rewarded. We may now find ourselves the focus of Good. It would be prudent to up security. How would you like to be the guards that stand at my door?"

"Us?" Schmuk could hardly believe it.

"Really?" They both knew that standing outside the boss's door was one of the highest positions available in the Evil world, aside from direct by-your-side-every-day guard. They would still be inevitably defeated, should a hero creep in to the lair, but their demise would be swift and unseen as the hero would be eager to get past them and commence the final showdown. Sometimes the hero would avoid them altogether and fly through a window instead, or they'd be replaced at the last moment by a guard with a specialist fighting style and a particular grudge. Either way, it was more than they ever expected.

"Who better?" Spon awaited acceptance.

"We'd love to."

"Here, take these and start whenever you're ready." Spon instructed Dollop to hand over the two logs with various blade and club attachments on opposing ends. Dollop squeezed his lips together in concern at Spon's flippant approach to an important security measure. Even if they were only a time delay mechanism so he could set a welcoming pose for the marauding hero, it was rewarding coincidence that allowed heroes to infiltrate bases and have completely inept guards in the most crucial places. Dollop smiled anyway as he awarded the weapons, but noted to mention it at their first review.

Bozo and Schmuk were overjoyed at the appointment and left with shared giggles and murmurs of hope.

"So, let's get your office sorted. I've a few wallpaper samples here for you to look at. Spon whipped out a large folder filled with patterns.

"Shouldn't we begin planning our next move?" Dollop pulled up a chair regardless. A purple series of diagonals had caught his eye.

"We will, but we need somewhere nice to work on things. Now, I can see you like these diagonals........"

Dollop battled with what he knew they should be doing and the thought of his mum's face when she saw him in his new office. Maybe power was the secret corrupting influence, and maybe it had found a new pair of victims to tinker with.

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Chapter Forty Five

"How could you let this happen, Hugo, so publicly?" The inquest back on Velos 19 had begun. Irish Delirium and Reason formed a social triangle with Hugo. The fallen hero sat blankly, grinning a grin of denial.

"Did I ever tell you about....."

"Hugo. By the blast of Ivanisevic this is serious. These images are across the entire uninet." Irish pointed to the screens showing an unconscious Hugo, the bulked up shadows of Dag and Corsetry shimmering with laughter above him.

"I'll never nap again. By bottles and dustpans, I'll be the most awake man existence has ever seen....."

"Reason, can you get through to him?" Irish looked at the six foot penguin. Hugo diverted his grin in the same direction.

"Hugo. Maybe it would be best if you stayed out of the public sphere for a while. Go and relax on one of the many planets that honour your vacant aura. By the time you return, we'll have this sorted."

"But there is no rest from Evil, no holiday. Good does not sit by the beach while dastardly intentions frolic in the ocean. We battle, engage......"

"I know Hugo, and you will once more. Better, stronger, if that's possible." Reason reached out a comforting flipper, enticing Hugo towards the door.

"Maybe I could do with another nap. Confused, not entirely sure what this feeling inside is." Hugo looked at his own chest while standing.

"It's defeat Hugo. It'll pass."

"Defeat; you mean napping?"

"If that's what you want to call it." Reason offered a patronising tap to go with the opening door.

Hugo paused in front of a mirror. "He's a handsome chap. Bet he could out-nap a room full of pensioners after a full day gardening."

"He could Hugo, he could." Reason handed the hero over to the guard outside. The security personnel escorted the pop star away, going a little weak at the knees as he did.

"Now what?" Irish slammed his fist on the desk. There was no need to, it just felt appropriate. "Our greatest weapon is neutralised and Evil has momentum and mystery on their side. Who are these two new purveyors of naughtiness?" Irish stared at the statues on the screen.

"We will find out. Do not worry." Reason flip-flopped back to his seat.

"Do not worry! How is that possible?" Irish had to curtail his inner smirk at the giant penguin's waddle. No matter how often he saw it, it was always amusing.

"We will have to fall back on our other grade five heroes." Reason whipped out his pipe.

"Other....." Irish looked at himself then in to his mind at a vague memory. "There are others!?" Nobody could be sure if this was a statement or a question.

"Yes." Reason went for a non-committal response. "Those that helped vanquish Insidious Chi." Reason wafted in the direction of the wall-sized monitor, bringing up a CCTV image of the stage the day of the grade five awards ceremony, after Hugo had left it. The penguin also released a tiny smoke circle. Irish stared as though it would form into the hero's image. No beak could ever provide such dexterity, although the giant of Good waited for it to dissipate, just in case.

"Those?" Irish spoke without confidence while striding towards the screen. Brick, Spiritwind, Dandara Foxley, Bettina Slade, The Magwanvu, Bobby Dazzler and Jam Shandy all looked back at him, more confused than a gang of pythons in a shoe shop.

"It's all we have, Irish. The immediate fate of Good lies on their shoulders." Two further smoke rings chased each other playfully.

"I may join Hugo on his holiday."

"That would be a very reasonable response." The pair laughed extendedly, not because of humour, but because it was basic hero protocol to end such a scene.

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Chapter Forty Six

Magical Causality hovered above the information booth Brick and Spiritwind had been working in before their jaunt, cloaked by invisibility.

"Looks empty." Brick spoke as he saw.

"Maybe they realised nobody ever approached it and closed it." Spiritwind spoke through a mouthful of welcome home cake. It was a standard cake that had been lucky with the time of its devouring.

"Should we pop in? See if we can reclaim the rug?"

"I'm in no rush to be anywhere else." It was a yes from the new, bald leader of Evil.

The two hopped out of Magic, the ship relocating to above the Portakabin, and wandered around the back to the entrance. Entering, they were surprised to see everything as they left it, aside from a stack of envelopes on each chair. Brick investigated.

"It's our wages." He rifled through the pile. "Up until yesterday; they must think we've been in everyday."

"This must be a record for length of employment. Maybe if we disappear for longer we can get promoted." Spiritwind had his eye on an even bigger chair.

"Could you tell me....." A voice appeared from the counter they were supposed to be manning. ".....how much fun Fluffy McCoy's is?" It was They, complete with chirpy grin. Brick looked round, acknowledging their friend with a straight expression.

"We wouldn't know. We went to Huffy LeRoy's."

"Huffy LeRoy's? Why would you go there? It's in a bus station. Everyone knows bus station clubs have no soul, and serve massively over-priced cocktails." They, made his way round the back and entered. Brick awaited his arrival.

"We know it's in a bus station."

"Then I must repeat my question, why?"

"Because somebody told Magic to take us there." Brick sat down, collating the wages into one envelope.

"Was that me?" They had picked up the hint. Only a nod returned. "Apologies. Must have been a good night though? You've been gone for weeks; although those hero powers don't allow any trip to be simple. Adventures await your every move." They, pottered around the room, arms behind his back as Brick and Spiritwind could only offer bewildered expressions about the things They didn't know.

"Speaking of hero powers, you'd better be careful with this new Evil knocking about. I hear Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload won't stop until they've vanquished every grade five hero alive." They, stared at a picture on the wall. It was one of Spiritwind's doodles of themselves with the concepts, stood heroically on a hill.

"And where did you hear that? Or is this one of your own special rumours?" Brick shuffled with interest and a smirk.

"I wish it was. It's all over the uninews. They're sending messages through time and dimensions, all delivered by The Chancellor of Evil University." Brick and Spiritwind could only smile broadly. "Am I missing something?"

"How about we nip to the pub and we'll explain a few things to you about the workings of the universe." Brick stood, pockets filled with back pay, and led the way out the door.

"Oh I see, the pupils become masters. I like it, very heroic story thread. Should I bring a pen?"

"Yes, and your best non-believing face."

"I left that in the hotel back on Grinflint, told I wouldn't need it for this position."

"Just come to the pub." Brick grew impatient as his perfect ending dragged on, or was it the perfect beginning?

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Chapter Forty Seven

Other Brick stumbled downstairs to an empty Cloak and Dagger, except for Other Spiritwind who was creating breakfast.

"Morning." Other Spiritwind welcomed his friend.

"It is." Other Brick scratched himself, yawned then sat down to try and remember how to focus his eyes. "Have you seen Nicole?"

"They've left." Other Spiritwind barely flinched as he plated up a pile of fried chicken, and a bacon butty for his peer.

"Left; when did this happen?" Other Brick considered panicking. It didn't feel like there was any need to go that far.

"Last night some time, found that note this morning." Other Spiritwind nodded towards a piece of paper on the table he joined his co-landlord at.

Other Brick picked up the note and read:

Dear Other Brick and Other Spiritwind

Our lust for you was only ever destined to last until the adventure was over. It's how we heroes work. If it makes you feel better, imagine we had to move for work, or that our morals swung and we cheated on you; or that it was just too complicated to ruin each other's lives over. Whatever makes you feel better, we're happy to go along with.

Maybe we'll see you in a sequel sometime, but probably not, unless the love interest that follows us is a complete and utter flop.

Yours

Nicole Extravaganza and Suzy Fantastic

"At least they were polite about it. I think we all knew reality would realise what was going on at some point and put a stop to it."

"And we got a pub out of it." Other Spiritwind employed his mayonnaise dip.

"We did get a pub out of it." Other Brick bit into his butty and surveyed his shared kingdom. A break up had never been so pleasing.

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Chapter Forty Eight

Bum-Raa stared at the numerous screens on his cave wall, all showing Dag and Corsetry and the revelling they inspired. Jiggery and Yakkety sat nearby, wondering what time tea would be.

"You won't be displaying those animated teeth with such vigour once I've finished with you." He hurled a rock at a screen. It missed. Bum rubbed the empty section of his beard.

Yakkety had a question. "If we're trying to bring down the new bosses of Evil, does that mean we're Good, because I don't think goodies have henchmen? They have other heroes as friends that come together in times of need, or an amusing sidekick at best, but definitely not henchmen. Are we fired?" Yakkety was ever so confused. Bum turned to face them both.

"No we are not Good, we just know what's better for Evil than these two incompetent chancers, but to take their place we have to get rid of them." Bum stood up and strolled, looking to the ceiling. "And when we do there will be street beatings in our name and cowering under bed sheets at the hint of our shadow. Evil will fear us, and Good will have no clue where to even begin dealing with our mischief. We shall assume our true place in the hierarchy of naughty, and it will be far above the memory of Dag Nammit and Corsetry Overload." Bum approached his employees menacingly, the light from the screens casting his shadow infinitely larger than the man himself.

"Okay, as long as I know. I don't know much, but I know what I don't know. Some say that's wisdom, mum says I should go and buy a book or two. Maybe that's what I'll do; buy a book, although the light in here isn't very good for reading......"

"How will we achieve all that when Spon has told Evil it's your fault they have no figurehead in person? Everyone is very annoyed at us and they're all inherently mean. They won't just give us a telling off. We'll be lucky to escape with our bellybuttons still in our middles." Jiggery raised an essential point.

"Exactly as it should be, Evil should work alone, chased to solace if needs be. This new happy family, co-operation model will ultimately fail. There's a reason we have worked the way we do for millennia, and we shall be the guardians of such ways until the ether is ready to listen once more." Bum cackled to the sky in delusion, and continued laughing for no purpose other than defiance of the new order to tone it down a little due to impracticality, but he wasn't about to give up his greatest dramatic asset for the sake of two idiots who struck lucky. He had his clichéd volcano in the ocean, bought cheap off a retiring ogre, and time to plot his payback. He would break as many new rules of Evil as it took to expose the fact that Dag and Corsetry were frauds, and he was the rightful heir to their throne.

Jiggery watched on with a shake of his head as his boss flittered between laughter and cloaked weeping, wondering if it was too late to enrol on a building course for this academic year.

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Chapter Forty Nine

Brick woke up on the sofa, pleased he hadn't found another water-based resting place. It was only when he fully opened his eyes he realised it wasn't his own.

Shouting apologies across the street, Brick jogged, trying to appease the family whose settee he'd woken up on. They hadn't bothered to give chase. They knew where he lived and could knock on and thump him at their own convenience.

Brick reached his own front door. As he struggled with his key, a shadow approached the tortoise shell glass. It was Spiritwind, opening the portal from inside.

"Howdo." Spiritwind licked a spoon and returned back down the hallway.

"Great. Definitely didn't sleep on number....." He squinted back across the road. It just appeared to be a dirty look to the already offended neighbours. ".....their sofa by mistake.

"Good. You don't want to alienate the whole street against us. Three doors down still won't look me in the eye after your naked conga through their house warming party."

"It isn't a conga if you're the only one doing it." Brick's smugness belied the words he'd uttered.

Brick followed Spiritwind in to the kitchen. A sheet of coloured metal stuck to the bottom of his shoe along the way. The tapping sound it made, upon reaching the kitchen lino, alerted the wearer to his adornment.

"What's this?" Brick reached down and pulled a magenta, metallic envelope from his foot. Deja-vu was begging to be acknowledged.

"Looks like one of those un-losable prize draws."

"You know it'll be a pen or an ultimately worthless voucher." Brick flicked the clasp open effortlessly, a gentle sparkle greeting his action. The paper slipped poetically towards his hand. He'd seen this kind of post before. "I've got a feeling somebody wants something."

"As long as it isn't The Farners wanting their wrongly delivered colostomy bags back." Spiritwind looked deadly serious as Brick sought more information by furrowing his brow. "What do you think I made the home brew in?"

"Never thought; very practical though." Brick opened out the silken paper.

Dear Grade Five Heroes

Your powers are needed now more than ever. Our mighty leader, Hugo Cortizone, has amassed quite a pool of holidays, and it's only fair he gets a day off now and then. We can't exist without someone at the helm. We need you and your peers to attend Velos 19 immediately, to work out shifts and stuff.

Yours truly,

Irish Delirium

P.S. Don't show anybody this. Things are already embarrassing enough.

"What are we supposed to do about that?" Brick put it back in the envelope.

"I guess we're supposed to set off for Velos 19."

"But we've only just got in." Brick reverted to teenage strop.

"Nobody said being a hero was fun." Spiritwind took the view that would wind up his friend most.

"Well, I'm having a nap first, seen as the ship's having one." Brick pointed to Magic. He was in the corner of the room, dribbling from his miniaturised entrance.

"I guess that would only be fair. Plus, this soup won't be ready for another ten minutes."

"Don't talk to me about soup. It's not even a food." Brick walked away and towards the stairs.

"It's lovely with bread." Spiritwind defended his creation.

"That doesn't make soup a food. It's a dip at worst, a lumpy drink at best." He plodded up towards bed.

"You're missing out."

"I'm really not."

Spiritwind smiled to himself and added another packet of bacon to the dish. Maybe Brick had an ever so tiny point, but one that would never be conceded.

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