 
CRUEL STROKES OF DESTINY

Dr.Pushpa Ramchandani.

Copy right 2012 by Dr Pushpa Ramchandani

Smash words Edition

Preface

"I have no regrets in my life. I think that everything happens to you for a reason. The hard times that you go through build your character, making you a much stronger person."

Rita Mero

Born and brought up in lavish surroundings of a very wealthy family, with a silver spoon in her mouth. She grew up as a warm and good natured person with a sweet smile that would brighten everyone's day, her nature carefree, in a sort of happy- go- lucky type of youthfulness. Her pure and utter happiness, though, was one to be feared, not admired, for they don't let anyone be so profoundly happy unless they're preparing to take something from them. And like that, destiny, fate, karma, whatever you want to call it prescribed a different script for her, one which would challenge the very quality that defined her: that charming smile, that loving gaze, that rare innocence. To comprise with life at every step, became a compulsion for her. Anyone would have been crushed by the harsh, lifeless blows of fate but she, as they like to say, roughed by the storm and survived, changing her path and changing the lives of many who came in her contact along her life journey. She spread smiles and solace to all around her. When she went, she left thousands in tears. She will remain in their hearts for years to come.

Dedicated to my father, who in spite of social taboos and sufferings, educated me and inspired me at every step of life, to achieve higher goals. He was the stepping stone in the foundation of my character, my inspiration, my strength and aim to strive for the highest achievements in life. All this was due to my beloved father.

Acknowledgements

A special word of thanks to my dear husband Dr Prabhu Ramchandani

For his cooperation and help extended at every step of writing and editing the book.

This novel is a work of fiction. The resemblance of any character or a person or a place is purely coincidental. Some incidents have been taken from the author's experiences of life and from those who came in close contact with her. The author has tried to depict the lives of those who struggled and suffered in the pre and post partition era of the year 1947. Some of the incidents were the original happenings of those days. As narrated to her by her elders.

These incidences occurred on both sides of the border. Both communities suffered the pangs of partition. Few descriptive paragraphs have been taken from websites.

Contents

Chapter 1 Pre partition era

Chapter 2 failure of early marriage.

Chapter 3 Partition and struggle period.

Chapter 4 Spiritual Journey.

Chapter5 Lethal stroke of destiny.

Chapter6 Salvation.

CHAPTER 1

The port town of Surat was still in deep slumber, as I, fondly called Gurumaa by my followers, was still awake and watching my doctor explains to my children and my followers, my condition. Everyone knew it was grave but still they were hoping against hope, of some miracle, which may save my life even for few hours or days. I knew this they were doing out of love and attachment for me. Since I was declared a case of cancer abdomen they were all tense. They had hidden this fact from me for quite some time. But from their hushed voices and multiple tests I could guess something was seriously wrong. They had put all their efforts along with my followers. They ran from pillar to post, left no stone unturned. They tried every branch of medicine, sought blessings from holy men, but destiny had decided it otherwise. It was only my daughter and her husband, who were doctors and knew every detail of my ailment, and the irreversible state.

I knew my end was nearing and my mind started taking stock of my life. I knew fate had been very cruel to me. It had given me less but had snatched away too much. My mind went to the theory of karma, which says you have to pay for the deeds done in the past life. This is what I used to explain to my followers, but I knew it was easy to preach but very difficult to face it in real life. Who knows about the past life? It is just an assumption. As far as I could remember, none of my deeds in this life were offensive, then why did I have to face all that?

My senses were getting numb, but my mind was having a flash back of my past life. Within moments I reviewed my entire life, as if I was trying to relive every moment of my life again and see for myself the places where things went wrong. I know it was too late to rectify anything because I could sense death fast approaching. I vividly remembered my loving husband arguing with me many a times and pointing out to me my mistakes. But I would never admit any of these and finally he would lose his patience and give up. His last sentence invariably used to be, "I know you will remember all this when I am gone or you will admit your mistakes when you are on your death bed." And today that day has come for me; he is not with me and I am breathing my limited last breaths. I wish to recapitulate my entire life.

I felt a tight constriction in my chest and started taking rapid breaths. The doctor glanced at the drip rate, which was probably running too fast. So it was slowed down. My pulse and blood pressure recorded on the progress chart. If I were more alert I would call it a regress chart. I know, after this there would be no progress, the end was fast approaching.

I could vividly recall my mother's image in the bloom of her youth, good looking, sophisticated though not well-educated; she was a saintly person, who believed in compassion to all around her, even the insects, birds and animals. Her mornings started with a bath, prayers, followed by feeding of birdies on the roof top. Many a times after waking up in the morning I used to go hunting for her in the big mansion that we lived in, and invariably I used to find her on the roof top; cleaning the birdies water bowls and their feeding pots and pouring fresh water and grains for them. Though there were servants around, but she derived special pleasure in this service. She was elegance personified. Her sympathetic attitude to all the employees, had won their hearts and they used to respect her like their mother.

She had a long pointed nose perched on prominent shining cheek bone, with a good whitish complexion. Her almond shaped eyes were raven black, as was the colour of her hair. She always kept her hair neatly braided with a central parting .She stood out among others due to her spotless dress. She had no airs around her, in spite of being the mistress of a huge mansion with a number of servants around her. She was the only daughter of a very ordinary landlord and had one brother who was employed at her farms, but was respectfully treated by all.

Then the next picture which became brighter in my mind was that of my father. He had acquired his father's wealth at a very young age, but because of his brains and hard work, he had multiplied it ten times within a short span of time. A very respectable figure in the town, a helping, and kind hearted personality. My brother was only 2 years younger to me. We had a wonderful childhood in our palatial house with all the comforts. I can simply say that we were born with silver spoons in our mouth and lived a luxurious and care free life.

I remember very vividly going to school in our buggy, horse cart, which used to wait there till the close of school. Our servant used to bring hot lunch for us and feed us properly as he would be answerable to my mother if the job was not done sincerely. How and when our childhood slipped into adolescence, I just can't remember. Riches easily obtained often spoil the children. So it was with us too. I was pampered, stubborn and demanding, not very keen to study. So at the tender age of 16 years my father thought of marrying me off. My father had a very sharp eye to judge people's character, and he had spotted the third son of an ordinary zameendar (landlord) family to be my groom .He had noticed his aspiring and ambitious nature and calculated that he would be a perfect match for his only daughter. One day my mother had shown her concern, saying, "You know very well the luxuries in which our daughter has grown up with. We can't send her to an ordinary family, where she will miss all the comforts and become miserable."

She was immediately interrupted by my father, "Don't worry; I will take care of everything. We have only two children to share all our wealth. I will give her so much that she has the same standard of life."

He paused for a moment scratched the sparse tuft of grey hair and continued, "Ram, the boy whom I have chosen for her is a very brilliant boy with a bright future."

Then one day, while I was playing with my doll house, my mother came and sat beside me. She said in a very loving and affectionate tone, "Darling, now you will go to your own house and leave behind your doll houses." I just stared back at her, thinking she is planning to give away my toys to some servants. Then she explained to me, "every girl has to get married and go to her husband's house, we have chosen a perfect match for you who will take very good care of you. "So the marriage was solemnized, and I was sent with a couple of servants and plenty of riches to take care of my comforts.

My husband was tall dark, handsome, and well-built. He had a long pointed nose with a scar across it, a sign of childhood injury. He always wore white starched spotless clothes, was worldly wise, and well known for his honesty. Most of the time, people used to approach him for settling their disputes, which he dealt with very efficiently. He was very loving and affectionate. Since he knew my family background, he tried his best to provide all the basic comforts of life. My father very tactfully made him a partner in his business saying, "You know my son is young and immature and cannot help in my extensive business. Once we become partners, your active participation will enhance our profits also. "In this way he also ascertained that his only daughter would be assured of a comfortable standard of living to which she was accustomed. He knew my husband was a man of principles and would never accept any help.

With the riches, I built a domain of my own, and developed superiority over the entire family, and dominated everyone in the joint family. Business went on expanding, the happy times rolled away soon and our family multiplied after every 2 years. My eldest 2 children usually lived with my parents, as my brother was issueless and my children were their only grandchildren. They were pampered and well cared for over there and I was relieved of my duty of rearing them

My journey of the past had probably diverted me from my present agony, the childhood and the first two decades of my married life was so pleasant that it alleviated most of my pain and encouraged me to linger on, in my past memories for some more moments.

I saw my eldest daughter as a small girl of 12 years in a small town of Larkana in the pre partition era .she was the first born in the whole joint family. She was chubby and beautiful in comparison to other siblings and was full of energy. She was a happy go lucky girl who grabbed life with both hands. Her maternal grandparents were very fond of her, and both my elder children had spent most of their childhood with them .They gave in to all their demands, whether right or wrong. She was fond of good food, clothes and spent most of her time in playing.

Unfortunately she had no liking for studies and used to shun studies, most of the time she used to bunk classes, on some excuse of illness. She hated to go to school like most students. But even with the passage of time I noticed no change in her. She always remained in search of plans to run away from studies. One day her most ridiculous excuse was, "I lost my bag. Now, how will I study without my books? "Don't worry my child; you have to study in any case, I will buy a new bag and books for you, "Was the reply from her father. Finally, due to her disinterest, she dropped out from school after basic schooling. Education for girls in those days was a taboo. Ladies were meant for rearing of children.

My eldest son Nandu was good looking and used to fancy himself as a film star. He was an average student but due to ill health, did not make much progress; I clearly remember how he used be forcibly sent to school, he used to bunk coaching classes and waste his time in playing marbles on the roadside. Then come home posing to be back from classes. On one occasion, he had bunked his class for a week and when the teacher met me in the market, she asked about his health and told about his absence from class. I was smart enough to understand the bunk business. I continuously asked him to admit his fault, but he insisted that he was regularly going for the coaching, he was bold and silly enough to go with me to the coaching institute and face the teacher. The teacher was surprised to see him after a week and asked, "Child where were you all these days?" I still remember how I had protected him by saying, "He was ill, so I came with him to ask you not to scold him." this was a smart step; I protected him there, but gave him a good thrashing later.

Nandu fell ill when he was doing diploma course. Ailment was very serious. He was having severe headache and vomiting. Many tests were done. A needle was put in to drain spinal fluid for diagnosis. I was dreading some serious disease and I talked to the attending doctor. I could make out that the diagnosis will not be pleasant to hear. He declared that Nandu is having meningitis. In those days it was a dreadful disease.

Nandu responded to treatment but developed ptosis (drooping of the lid) of the right eye and one of his eyes started appearing smaller, and his headache was persisting. He was given a shot of steroid in the eye. His condition showed improvement but he was far from being comfortable. We decided to try some other alternate therapy also, but without any response. I had heard about a saint who had powers to cure ailments. With great difficulty I could convince my husband .He agreed very reluctantly saying, "I just don't understand how a saint will cure the after effects of meningitis." On my insistence we went to Nasik, a holy town.

I was surprised to see many families who had brought their sick wards. As we were ushered in the hall, a young girl became delirious and pointing her finger to Nandu she said "Doctor you are the one who destroyed my life. You have come here also to harm me again". It was difficult to control her. I could see few people from our town smiling and enjoying this scene.

Nandu was taken in and Swami Ji blessed him.

We returned to our home. Nandu's headache subsided but his eye remained smaller. People in our hometown stared addressing him as Doctor. Everyone called him a doctor. Finally Nandu had to drop out of his diploma course.

My youngest son Manik and youngest daughter Reena were entirely different. Both were interested in studies and had their own dreams and ambitions. I think it is rightly said that education is written in your destiny; these two children were destined to attain high education, and so they achieved their goals. Ours was a huge joint family, all in one compound, but in their individual separate houses. My portion of the enclave was considered the best, with all the modern amenities of that time.

I was fully aware of my husband's position in society which was partly because of my father's help, so my dominating nature and ego bloated and I developed an upper hand in every decision. All that I was concerned about was that all my demands of jewelry and clothes were fulfilled. The domestic servant, who had come with me at the time of my marriage from my father's house, took care of all the comforts ".Moti, come and play with the children." I used to order.

My children always stood out in the crowd of their cousins by the attire, by the accompanying servants, and by the airs which probably they had inherited from me. They were a good company amongst themselves, and never felt the necessity to add cousins or relatives to their group. Times were great, we used to shuttle from our house to my parent's house, be pampered there too. How time rolled away I just cannot remember. My elder daughter's schooling was only up to class 6th.When she entered into the age of menarche, she was asked to step out of school. I know in her heart of hearts she rejoiced, because she hated to go to school.

Probably the curves of the body had started developing, and both girls were asked to discard all the short dresses, and start wearing full shalwarkurta and drape a dupatta around the neck, which they hardly knew how to manage, but rules of the family had to be followed. Though my younger girl was three years smaller than her elder sister, but because of her height and health, they looked the same age. In the successive two years my elder daughter Kala was asked to learn the household chores from Moti, our domestic servant. I had just said, "You are growing big now, so do what you are told to do. "It was nothing new for me because I had seen myself go through similar change.

My tone was serious and concerned, when I had discussed it with my husband, Ram, "she is going to complete 16 next month, we were married when I was 16," I had said to him. We sat in the balcony of our bed room, listening to the soft music of our gramophone, sipping morning tea. He was also well aware of his responsibilities, and remarked, "Yes, I have been on the lookout and have come across a few good proposals; I am just trying to probe into the details. One family seems very keen and they are coming to meet us next week.

One fine day I just approached my daughter and said, "kala wear this new dress and please don't go out to play with your friends and dirty yourself." Then I gave her a good hairdo, braided her waist long raven black hair into two plaits with matching ribbons, dabbed some powder smoothly on her face to give her a fairer look. Then I outlined her eyes with a liner and said, "Darling, listen, some people are coming to see you today. Talk in a soft tone, not your usual harsh voice. Answer all their questions, and please keep your eyes and head down."

There was a queer shiver of fear in my mind and suddenly I felt nervous. How could she leave her beloved parents and live in an unknown home with new people and new surroundings.

There was a knock on the door and Moti entered, "Baby, you have been called in the living room." He said to Kala looking very excited.

Kala had been given prior instructions to walk gracefully, talk softly, with head hung down, which she followed. She timidly opened the creaking old mahogany door and entered living room. Sat on the sofa, opposite to the strangers .She gave a quick glance around the room and observed 5 persons, her father, her uncle and three strangers of her father's age. I stood behind the door watching my daughter's performance. Kala's thoughts were hammered by a soft low tone voice from one of the strangers, who ran an impatient hand through what was left of his greying hair. He pushed up the half glasses which stubbornly refused to park on the bridge of his nose. "What is your name?" The low volume voice was in no way matching with the hefty build of the speaker. As per the strict instructions from me, to keep the eyes, head and tone low, she replied in a tingling voice "Kala Wati."I was slyly watching this whole drama through the crevice of the door of the adjacent room. Ladies were not supposed to participate in all these discussions and I was no exception, though I was craving to rush in and meet them all and ask them why they had not brought the boy.

The next question was shot at her by the other visitor, "up to which class have you studied?" "class 6th", was her short and crisp reply. The third question that darted at her was, alarming for me also, and I felt anxious to hear her answer. She was asked whether she knows cooking. I felt like saying " No, Moti doing everything for us." But out of fear and obedience she just nodded her head in a positive reply. Then she was asked to go, and she finally ran to her own room, where I had already reached from my hiding place. There had been a dozen plates with different items like nuts, fruits, sweets, but only a few had been touched. The visitors sat there for some time and then took Ram's leave to go.

Kala said "Mummy, why they were so soft, I could hardly hear them. Had you given them the same instructions to talk softly . I smiled at her innocence and said, "They were testing your hearing power. When we see a girl or a boy for matrimonial purpose, we try and confirm the five basic sense organs are normal, and this is the reason they spoke softly." I was shrewd enough to observe the tension on her face so I kept my hand on her shoulder compassionately and said, "Kala may be we are a bit old fashioned and do not correlate the pros and cons of an early arranged marriage and the survival possibilities of these types of marriages. I am one of those who strongly believe that the man of your dreams, your Mr Right can pop up from anywhere and at any time. So you cannot turn down the proposal because it has come too soon. I gently kept my hand on Kala's shoulder and said in a tender tone, " My dear girl marriage is the ultimate dream of every woman, and marriage is the only right path to happiness, fulfillment and procreation in due course of time. It is seen as the sanctioned union between two sexes. It cannot be right to go through life alone." I could read her mind which reflected utter confusion. "I don't want to leave my home and you all, and go to a new place,"

I told her that when I got married, I was of her age, everything was new, but I found my happiness here. Then there are two more girls who are also growing up fast, so let us do our duty well in time. You are getting married to this boy and that's final. He is the only son of a rich father, and will take good care of you, do not try to reject your destiny which has come with a ray of bright light."

Then there was a long pause, probably I was fumbling for convincing words, and said ," the day you enter your new home, that will be the dawn of your new life, with a blank slate waiting for you to write words of beauty, may you do deeds of grace and have thoughts of joy This is all that a mother can wish her daughter and rest all will be governed by your fate."

With these words I left the room, and made myself busy in other chores of the family. I knew how much work was to be done in arranging a marriage. I even called a couple of ladies from my mother's place to extend a helping hand. In a very short span of time my daughter's hesitation for marriage took an acute turn and she accepted the proposal with a positive frame of mind. Nitu, my second daughter was excited too. She started her preparations for the forthcoming celebrations. Looking forward to new clothes and plenty of celebrations . She was literally allured by the dances songs and functions which were to follow in this marriage. Was it Cupid's arrow which had struck Kala? She seemed to have fallen madly in love with an unknown and unseen man of her dreams, who would give her everything in life , which is the ultimate goal in every woman's life. May be it was infatuation, but her thoughts hovered around him day and night, and she started talking about him so frequently that at times I used to get bored, and dozed off to sleep. She used to go on talking till my soft snoring made her aware on my oblivion.

Suddenly I felt excruciating pain in my backbone and reckoned my daughter to change my posture, and put me in a reclined position. My pain killer dose was also due, she gave me some juice and my medicines. For a moment the agonizing pain had distracted me from my past, but suddenly memories of the past struck against my mind like the tumultuous waves of the ocean in high tide of the full moon. It drifted me into the mid ocean of past life, and I again got carried away by memory waves into my past.

Then started , all the preliminary preparations, for the forthcoming marriage. Lists of guests and gift items, jewelry, dresses were all enlisted. Guests started trickling in nearly a month prior to the marriage. After all it was the first marriage in the family. Every night there used to be dancing and folk songs in our court yard. Late nights followed by gift packing sessions.

Kala used to feel a peculiar tickling sensation when our friends used to tease her about the anonymous boy who would be her groom. She had already fallen in love with the man of her dreams.

Finally the big day arrived, everyone had been allotted particular duties to take care of the guests, and no lacuna left. All our relatives and friends had vacated one room in their house to be used as the guest room. One staff member per family was deputed to take care of their needs and their comforts. Kala was wondering why this V.I.P treatment is being extended to them. I explained to her that they were the boy's parents and relatives, so due respect was their birth right.

How about you all; you are the girl's parents, so they won't respect you?" was her question darted at me. "No darling, when we visit their house, they will reciprocate with due respect." I tried to convince her.

The whole courtyard was decorated with colorful flowers garlands and lights. Not even an inch of the freshly painted walls was visible. It was just garlands of roses and lily flowers, intermingled with colorful twinkling lights. The whole mansion appeared like a king's palace. The center of the courtyard was left for the holy fire and all around it were mattresses covered with white sheets. This was the place allocated for all the members to sit and watch the ceremonies, and shower their blessings on the newlyweds.

A lady had been appointed to take care of the bride's pedicure and manicure. The face and body massage with turmeric and Chandan powder, hair care and the aroma bath had all been taken care of. I am sure kala had never received so much importance in all her life, but she seemed to enjoy every bit of it. Finally I saw her reflection in the mirror, loaded with beautiful, exclusive jewelry. Emeralds, and diamonds, glittered on her. She was wearing a tomato red sari with heavy brocade gold embroidery on it. I had never seen her look so beautiful before. Her hands and feet were henna designed. Her forehead wore a small diamond bindi. Her arms were loaded with gold bangles nearly up to the elbows; anklets tingled in her slim dainty feet. I was stunned to see her beauty for the first time in my life. Her reflection in the mirror reminded me of my fairy tale story, and I murmured, "Mirror, oh mirror, who is the most beautiful lady on earth? Kala, Kala and only Kala," was the soft reply with a smile on her face.

Finally a maroon veil covered her face and head, and she was to be escorted by her younger sister slowly to the fire place, where she squatted on the low cushion. The adjacent cushion was already occupied by the bridegroom. She sat with her head hung low down and did not dare to raise the head or eyes. This was considered as decency and etiquette for a bride to be. All these instructions had been hammered into her head for one month. My younger daughter should not look her best on that day, the reason being that the best looking should be the bride. Even this rule had to be observed. My prior instructions were issued and strictly followed. I tried my best to take a good glimpse of the groom, whom we had never met before, but his face was not visible. There were golden and silver tassels hanging from his turban which covered his face, only exposing his clean shaven chin which bore a dimple in the center; Her sister Nitu, felt the urge to go and whisper in her ear , "He is dark complexioned and short "But she dared not do anything to annoy her.

The parents of the groom sat on his side and we, the girl's parents, on her side, and the priest started chanting the mantras. Hours passed and the never ending ceremonies by the priest came to a halt. This was followed by the seven rounds around the sacred fire, and the showering of flowers by us. All were tired of watching the whole show and I could imagine how exhausted Kala must have been squatting with her head hung down. I am sure she must have dozed off for some time. How does it matter even if she did, no one must have observed it. It was like double Dutch for us, as most of the holy mantras passed over the head, and most of us even dozed off for some moments. I was not used to sleeping late, and so was Kala, and I am sure her neck and back was aching. All that guests wanted was to have a full sumptuous dinner, which they could smell from the adjoining hall. But in no way could anyone have their own desire fulfilled. So all of us sat there patiently, until all the ceremonies finished . It was past mid night, when the priest was done with all the rituals, and Kala was literally pulled up with a numb back and a torticollis neck. Then she was taken to her room where she just collapsed on her bed, and within seconds she started snoring.

My present back problem suddenly exacerbated and I started moaning with pain. My daughter came and gently massaged my back made me turn on the other side and kept some extra pillows for a comfortable support. I was given a few sips of juice and an air cushion kept for my bed sores, again I wandered in the past, because may be that journey was more pleasant than my present agony.

Finally my thoughts reached the time of departure of the bride. Everyone was hugging and kissing her turn by turn, as if she was going to a distant country. Some were showering their blessings for a happy married life, some giving last moment instructions of does and don'ts. I was sad but tense too. "How will she manage without us?" Next moment I realized that if I could manage, she will also learn to live her own life. Then we all bid her good bye and went to see her off in the bus.

There were 2 big buses waiting outside which were being loaded with all the gifts and cartons, and the dowry stuff. While all this was going on, it was punctuated by a loud and harsh voice of a lady, "Be careful, take care, don't break it keep it gently. "I was not able to see her but I assumed her to be someone very strong and close to the family. Later on I discovered that she was the boy's mother, who was more concerned about the materialistic things rather than her beloved daughter in law. I felt pity for Kala, who was herself so soft spoken and had never heard a harsh loud voice in all her life. Finally eyes brimming with tears, we waved good bye to our beloved daughter and stumbled back into the house.

My younger daughter appeared practically lost; she was like her shadow, laughing giggling, talking, fighting, and blaming one another when being scolded. I just did not know what she would do without her, so I quickly changed into my night dress and flung myself into my bed with pretense of a head ache and fell asleep due to exhaustion. I could hear Nitu's sobs intermittently, but I let her cry till she went off to sleep.

We did not meet her for full eighteen months and seven days, because of certain reasons, and when we did meet, it was unbearable for me to see her. The beautiful bride who had hugged me hard, with great warmth, before boarding the bus, had been transformed into a frail weak sunken eyed lady who was looking at least eight years over her age. There was complete metamorphosis in her. Changed completely, giving her a haggard appearance, tension showing on her face. Her body leaden with fatigue didn't have the energy to know what to feel and what to do. When she entered our house, her raven black hair was wrenched free of the neat French twist into which she habitually knotted it. Dust streaked on her dress; she not only looked exhausted but very depressed. Her husband and sister in law, were with her. Rup, her husband, was literally dragged in, with the support of two persons he had multiple bruises all over his body oozing with blood.

I knew there was something terribly wrong, but what was wrong was beyond my imagination. Many a times I had discussed with my husband and talked about her, but his expressions always spoke of tension, he did not leak out anything to me. On showing my desire to send someone to meet her, he had just brushed away the proposal saying, "no way, we cannot send anyone to go and stay in their house, it's not in our family rule. Nandu our elder son had gone once and met her. She cannot come and meet you due to some crucial reasons."

Now that we were together, I just ran to hug her lovingly and was dying to have an account of every moment of her life so far. If this was the outcome of marriage, I would certainly never think of getting my younger girl married at a tender age. Kala who was a happy go lucky, lively and a jovial person, and one who could grab life with both hands, had come back only after one and a half years in this condition. Certainly it was too high a price to be paid in the name of marriage. When we were in our room, on my coaxing her to speak and tell me everything that happened after she left our house as a bride. I wanted isolation with her but my younger girl who was equally concerned, insisted on being there, so we both sat and listened to her tale.

Chapter 2

She broke out, "Mama after bidding you good bye, I boarded and occupied a window seat in the ladies bus, and left from here; before all were seated I just stretched my neck and was fast asleep. I was very tired, and with all the heavy jewelry and the clothes that I wore, it would have been impossible to sleep, but there was no way out. I raised my wrist to look at the 'mother of pearls' oval white faced golden band watch. It showed me 2am. So I just closed my eyes and thought about you all, and fell fast asleep. I was suddenly startled awake by a very harsh and loud voice asking, "how far are we from our home?" The driver decently replied. "One more hour to reach home"

The lady sitting on my adjacent seat was my mother in law, and I realized that while I had dozed off my head had dangled and rested on her shoulder. Her shrill voice had made me fully awake, and I could see the grey darkness of the night getting a shade lighter, and a pinkish golden beam of light being spread by the rising sun. As the suncrept over the horizon, the sky appeared to bleed with its red color flickering all over. Within minutes the whole sky was lit up with bright sun rays, and a beam of brilliant sunshine streamed through the tinted glass window of the bus, creating rainbow colors of light which fell on my face. Outside the window of the bus I could see the flickering red rays over the waters of the meandering stream, running along the side of the road. I just closed my eyes once again but then my sister in law squeezed herself in between the two of us saying, "I want to sit with Kala." Then she started handling all the jewelry on me and exclaimed, "Oh! This necklace is beautiful. Mamma even I want a similar necklace." Her mother's reply was swift and crisp, "Baby it's all yours first let us reach home." I felt like saying, "No; its mine, and my dad got all these pieces specially made for me, and I will not give them away to anyone." I just kept a serious expression on my face. But I controlled my tongue and just listened to the mother and daughter, because mum had asked me to keep shut as far as possible.

Then I looked out of the window and saw the bus turning to a huge palatial house drove through the driveway and stopped in a large portico. There was a sudden hustle bustle and everyone became alert, and ready to descend down. Even I felt like jumping out and running to the rest room. But I sat quietly till all had gone. Then my other sister in law came up and said "I am Soni, Come I'll take you to your room." She gently held my hand and helped me down the steps and took me to my room, and I rushed to the rest room. I just wanted to take off all my heavy jewelry and unload myself, but the fear of it being confiscated, did not allow me to do so. How I was dying to stretch myself on the bed and relax, but I dare not do any such thing right now. Before entering my room I had crossed a huge veranda with a large swing with a reclining sofa on the back. Then we had crossed a huge living room. It was large in size but dingy; it had three arched doors in the front wall, with four alternating windows. Doors had brown tinted glass doors which added to the dinginess of the room. The ten to twelve foot high roof had a large chandelier in the centre and two old fashioned ceiling fans one on either side. There were no ventilators in the room to allow entry of light. It had multiple rooms at the extreme end and one of these was mine. Soni's hand on the switch panel had flooded the whole room with bright light from the chandelier.

I could see my mother in law perched on the swing and shouting, "Remove all the bags carefully and take them to my room. Then in the same voluminous voice she yelled, "Moti, get me a glass of cold water, and come and press my feet, I am very tired. "Hearing Moti's name I felt very relieved, so there was a Moti in this house also, he will do all my work like Moti of our house.

For the next one week or so I was put on an Exhibition. I had to wear my newest of my clothes daily, with matching sets of jewelry. Every day a new group of ladies used to walk into my room, appreciate me and my ornaments, and comment, "Seems from a very rich family. God bless her. "This routine continued for nearly nine days, I met nearly half the town women but not my husband, whom I was dying to see. I thought this must be the custom, and mum had probably forgotten to elaborate on this point. So I waited patiently for that day to dawn, when I would finally meet the man whom I had married.

Then one fine day, while I was fast asleep in my room, it was past midnight, when I felt some sturdy hands shaking me vigorously. At first I just turned my side and tried to sleep, but again the same shake made me realize that someone was trying to wake me up. With half closed and half open drowsy eyes I looked at the figure bending on me, so close to my face ,that I was about to scream. Immediately he put his hand on my mouth and said, "Damn it, I am your husband, don't shout, I want to consummate our marriage."

I was literally trembling, and before I could collect my composure or speak a word, he started stripping me of my clothes and just forced himself into me. I was just spellbound, fear and pain were so intense that I just lay listless under his heavy grip, his body arching over mine and tried to bear the agony. It lasted for more than 5 minutes, and then he moved off me, panting as if he had done some laborious work. I thought I would die of this pain which was still persisting. The burning sensation gave me the urgency to go to the restroom and wash myself with cold water. I rushed to the rest room and bent over the sink for support, listening to the mournful drip from one of the faucets. Plop, plop. The glistening wet drops fell like tears into the porcelain and rolled down the drain, uselessly. I glanced at the face in the mirror. It glared back at me with a frightening look. A ray if soothing moonlight sprayed through the glass window and then on my face, adding to the pallor on it. When I returned to my room after a soothing cold splash of water, I saw him sleeping on my bed. He had occupied one half of the bed and was already snoring.

I was confused whether to sleep on the same bed with him, but the fear of another similar attack by him made me tremble. So I quietly picked up a pillow and went to sleep on the sofa lying on the opposite end of that room. For quite some time I lay awake and just remembered you, mum, who had never alerted me of these types of episodes; neither had I read of this agonizing experience in any of my novels. If this was marriage, then why was I forced to plunge into it so soon?

When the day dawned, I woke up with a lethargic body all soiled in blood. Surely my periods had started, but then I remembered, the date was far away. I just did not know whom to talk to about this incidence. I looked around the room with half drowsy eyes and saw a short stature, dark complexioned man sleeping in the same posture as I had seen him last night. He was in briefs and a vest, with an exceptionally hairy body which was evident from the thick, bushy hair on his shoulder blades and his legs and arms. He had a small blunt nose and a dimpled chin which showed a sparse growth of beard, which had not been shaven for the past few days. So this was the man who had raped me last night. Yes it was plain and simple rape. He did not have the courtesy to take my consent but just forced himself on me, as if it was his birth right, and he had the license to do it. So this was the man of my dreams, and from last night's behavior I had started fearing him. How desperately I wanted you to be with me at that moment, so that I could confide in you and express my feelings.

After my morning routine I went to the adjacent room and waited for further instructions. Through the slightly open glass window, I saw my father in law. His eyes shimmering bright with intelligence and kindness below the mop of perennially uncombed sparse hair . It was there that I heard my father in law speaking softly to his sister, who had stayed back after the marriage, "My dear sister, till you are here I request you to take very good care of the new bride. She is from a very high status family with loving and caring parents; try and give her all the comforts till she adjusts to this atmosphere. She has come at a very tender age and my alcoholic son may put me to shame if he comes home drunk, or if my wife ill-treats her, which is a high probability."

She arched her brow with a flicker of annoyance and said without hesitation. "It's too late to even talk about your wife's nature and behavior. I had a strong suspicion about all this; after all she is your fourth wife. Who on this earth would give their girl in marriage to be the fourth wife of a middle aged man?"

There was a pause in their conversation, a glance here and there and he said, "Actually it was my third marriage in reality, you people had considered third marriage as inauspicious, and the third wife was destined to die soon, so the priest had tied my third marriage knot to a goat which was slaughtered immediately, and this lady wedded to me in the form of my fourth marriage. But how does that matter now."

" She is the sister of a jockey, who is himself a good for nothing, don't you know, it was the attraction of your wealth which prompted him to give his young sister to a rich man of your age; now you have to bear the consequences. I know he has been extorting a lot of money from you all these years. He is also ruining the life of your son." her last words were a bit loud and in a disgusted tone

"Softly, softly, there are some guests around and someone may overhear us. Then his tone became defensive and he continued, "You know I did all this just to get a male heir from her to inherit all my wealth, my previous two wives left a daughter each and passed away. Now I feel sorry for this innocent girl who has left her parental home and come to stay with us. From now onwards I will put all my efforts to bring Rup, my only son on the right tract, for her sake at least, but my dear sister, till you are here I request you once again to take good care of her until normalcy returns in this house."

Her voice again spoke of disgust, "I had requested you many a times, to reform him first and then think of his marriage, but you were of the opinion that after marriage, love and compassion of a lady will have a healing power. Then there was a long pause, "I quite agree with you, I will try my best to take good care of her. You know your wife very well, I feel very scared to argue with her on any subject. She is the most stubborn, arrogant, senseless and selfish woman I have ever seen. She does not hesitate in humiliating anyone. All that she cares for is herself and her comforts. No one in this house can dare to take any work from any of the servants. They are always in her service and still she keeps yelling at them. I am just confused, but I will try my best till I am here." All this she said in a single breath and in utter disgust.

For an instance I felt guilty that I was sneaky and stood behind the door till the whole conversation was over. Since it was all concerned about me, I had every right to hear it and anticipate my future problems. I was literally shattered; I could clearly perceive that my future in this house was at the mercy of others. If he was so concerned about my happiness, knowing his wife's nature and his son's character, then why was he so keen on our early marriage. He could have first reformed his son and then thought of marriage, as rightly pointed out by his sister, who appeared a very sensible person from her views.

I could correlate the entire scene of the previous night, which was due to effect of alcohol. I just wondered how an intelligent and far sighted person like my father had been betrayed about all these facts. I just recollected my composure and pretending to be ignorant about the entire conversation, moved out of the room in the direction of the kitchen. It was now that I started having a faint belief in fate. I did not allow any such discussion to overpower me. I remembered you, mum, saying to me, "your life will be a blank slate waiting for words of goodness to be written on it. Our blessings are with you and God is there to help and guide you." So I did not go into any negativity and kept myself strong like a pillar.

Then I had heard my father in law, saying to his sister, "I think with responsibilities of marriage, and love and attachment of his wife, he will soon reform and become sensible. He will even learn to help me in my business in due course of time." How desperately I wanted to be with you, and confide in you, but then I remembered your words, "My dear daughter, from now onwards that will be your new home, and in laws, your new parents. Always give them due respect and they will reciprocate with your share of love and affection. "I thought, when prospects of marriage are so abstract and future in oblivion, then I would never advise any girl to get married. At that time this dear sister of mine was the only person in my mind, god forbid she should never face similar circumstances."

I was just wandering in my thoughts when Soni, my sister in law called me for breakfast. Soni was nearly my age, a year or two older, very good looking, soft spoken and always extended a sympathetic attitude towards me. She was very sensible and docile. I came to know that when she was 3years, her mother had died during labour of her second child. Both mother and child could not survive, so a step mother, the fourth wife was brought in the family. Her docile nature was due to the step motherly attitude towards her. May be she had gone through worse sufferings in her childhood.

The first wife had died in a boat accident, when the boat capsized, those who knew swimming, were saved and she was drowned, in spite of all efforts of the rescue team. She had also left behind a daughter who was 12 at the time of her mother's death. This girl was married off at an early age of 15 years, was seen at the time of marriage, like other guests in the house. She had also left soon along with the other guests.

The only consolation for me in this new home was that there were two persons, or rather three persons, who were good natured, and whom I could rely upon. It was my father in law, his sister Mohini, who was a guest for some more time, and my sister in law Soni, who had become a good friend of mine. The Other members in the family were Rup, my husband, whom I had met only once, and that too while I was half asleep. Then there was my youngest sister in law. She was polio stricken and had a foot deformity. She was the one who had fallen for my jewelry. Then there was my great mother in law, whom everyone feared, and I the most. She spent half the day sitting or lying on that large swing in the veranda, just ordering the servants for errands. She was extremely fat and on top of it, the whole day she used to keep munching, and further increasing her weight. She was short stature, with a waddling gait; probably her knees were being strained due to her weight. Her hoarse voice added to the shrillness of her tone, reached not only everyone in the large house, but the neighbors too. All three servants were in attendance, one was massaging her feet, second was moving the rope of the huge cloth fan hanging over her and the third one running to and fro to fulfill her demands. Moti came running with her breakfast which she had ordered. She was the ruler of that house, creating terror in everyone's mind.

Not even in my dreams did I ever think of conveying this picture to you all. You are too dear to me to be disturbed about all these trivial matters. There had been so much of excitement and happiness during the celebrations of the marriage, and I am pretty sure the post mortem of all the functions must have been conducted, along with the photo album. All of you must have been in the rejoicing mode. So why give a shock to my family. I was well aware of dad's temperament, and in no way did I want to tarnish his image in the society or ruin his health. When Moti handed the plate to her, she just stared at him and growled, "don't you know my breakfast time is 9 'o clock, it's already 20 minutes past nine, why were you late?"

He replied in a trembling voice, "I was giving breakfast to Soni and the new bride." The sentence had just struck her ears when she flung the plate at him and yelled, "Then go and serve them all and your salary will be paid by her parents, is that clear?"

Before her sentence was completed, a jeep stopped in the porch just outside the veranda, and brother Nandu jumped out of the front seat. He came running in and nearly tumbled over the plate and stuff lying on the floor. Had he entered a minute earlier, the plate may have been on his face. I saw him through the window of my room and just wanted to run out and hug him and cry my heart out to him. But I did not do that, instead I sat there quietly and watched him. He met my mother in law, asked about everybody's welfare. By that time the driver had unloaded the jeep, and more than a dozen boxes, cartons and a suitcase had been kept in front of her. Then in a very soft tone Nandu inquired about me. Her reply was blunt and rude "She must be somewhere inside, it's only 10 days of marriage and you have come running to see her". Let me assure you she is fit and fine and very happy in our house." Then she took a deep breath and said, "If your mother had to send all this stuff for her, she could have sent it with someone rather than to make you run."

My brother Nandu was awe stricken, he was momentarily aghast and seemed to fumble for appropriate words. He collected his composure and said very decently, "No aunty, I just came to say hello to you all, and mama has sent some sweets, nuts, fruits and some dresses for all of you."

Then he came to my room, from where I had heard the whole conversation. I just flung myself into his arms and hugged him tight as if it had been not 10 days but 10 long years of separation from my family. My mute flow of tears on his shoulder, spoke very loudly of my condition, and he must have calculated for himself the entire situation. Though 2 years younger to me, he consoled me saying, "Everything will be fine in due course of time, just be strong." Then his next valid query came, "Rup is ok with you, he treats you well, that's all that we care about."

I just wanted to open up my heart to him, but I withheld from doing so, because I knew that if you all come to know about the whole scenario, you would surely fall ill due to the tension. Before any other scene was created, I just offered him a glass of water, and bid him good bye, with the words, "Promise me that you will not tell mom about all this. Tell her I am very happy and not to worry about me. "He just nodded his head, His lowered down eyes were brimming with tears, which he tried to control and swiftly walked away out of my room. Out in the veranda, the entire stuff had been removed to her room, and she was still perched on the swing, lying down; the servants in her attendance. My brother said a quick bye to her, boarded the jeep and whisked away, he met the male members in their office and went home. I knew my mute tears would become verbal by the time he reached home.

If not my parents the story would reach my sister Nitu, at least, and I am sure he must have told her every bit of it. I feared she would develop apathy to the name of marriage and be scared of getting married when her turn came. I accepted it as a stroke of destiny, not only on me, but on my dear parents too, and waited for the day when Lady Luck would shine on me and normalize my life. I knew dad with all his farsightedness and expert opinions about others must have taken every precaution about the family reputation, their financial status and above all the boy's character. But somehow or the other he had been betrayed, so I waited for the storm to settle down on its own. In no way should Dad have a feeling of guilt complex, for an act which was not committed by him.

In the three months that followed, I got my full share of love and affection from my father in law, who treated me and Soni alike. He too was scared of his wife. Very quietly he used to come to my room and handover packets of fruits nuts and other stuff and say, "this is for you and Soni, others will get their share from the kitchen. He once kept a tender hand on my head and said, "kala my daughter, I was very selfish and I am responsible for bringing you to this house to be my son's bride. I had heard a lot of praises about your nature and your upbringing, and was sure that only a sensible girl like you could reform my son and bring him on the right tract, with your love and affection."

I could calculate that he was concerned about my future too, which was directly or indirectly linked with the wellbeing of his son. So my future was at stakes. This made me more confused. When attempts of parents had failed in reformation of their son, how could he expect me, a stranger in their house, to do this job? So I decided to develop friendly relations with my husband, and then try and mold him.

My father in law was probably trying to compensate for everybody's share of love for me. He showered fatherly affection on me, to the extent that I nearly forgot to notice the rude behavior of others. I came out of negativity, and followed his advice as the rule of the thumb. I always saw my own father in him. Before leaving for work, he invariably came to my room, blessed me with his hand on my head and asked me if I needed anything.

It was a Sunday morning, nearing 9'o clock, I was waiting eagerly for him to come and bless me and then leave for work. I knew, for him work was worship, and used to work all seven days a week. May be he avoided staying at home because of some tantrums being thrown by his wife. I waited for another half an hour, and asked Soni, "How is it that your father went away today without giving me my share of blessings?" she replied, "No, he is still sleeping today, maybe he is unwell."

Suddenly there was a big commotion in the house; all were running in and out of his room, scare and tension spoke on all faces. I heard Moti shout, "Someone please call the doctor immediately. The doctor arrived, went to his room, and came out in two minutes. He had declared him dead. All were spell bound. It was unbelievable but it was a fact. The only saintly man in this house, on whom I was dependent for his fatherly love and affection, was gone. I just said to myself, "Dear father I wish you would be with me for some more time to guide me in the work allotted by you, I would have tried my best and shown you the results."

The whole house was in turmoil, news of his demise spread like wild fire not only in the neighborhood, but far and wide. People started trickling in slowly. His death was a big shock for the family. Far away from home, plots were being hatched about the successor of his wealth. Murmurs were clearly audible; son is not eligible yet, two more years to become 21. Then my mother in law Sita's family background was very well known to all, and they feared her jockey brother would grab the major share and turn it to ashes, or a large amount would evaporate in his alcohol and cannabis indica. Rup was not holding a good reputation either, because of his street friends and his addiction to alcohol. Every mind was knitting its own web and getting entangled in the cobweb. Soni had the same turmoil of waves in her mind as I had, like the high tides of full moon ocean, thoughts came dashing on the grey matter of my brain, left some impression, and then slowly drove back. I knew I had no say, so why not leave it on God Almighty.

From the window of my room I saw my mother in law, Sita, sitting on the swing with her jockey brother, whispering in each other's ears. They were spinning their own web. Tears rolled down my eyes continuously till the lachrymal glands of my eyes were exhausted of their stock of secretions. Then Moti came running and said, "The lawyer wants both of you with the whole family in the living room." I asked him, "What does the lawyer have to do at this time, when the cremation is yet pending." Soni just shrugged her shoulders in ignorance, and said in a whispering tone, "Once I had heard daddy talk to a lawyer about making some will." Both of us, walked in a staggering gait, entered the living room and stood behind the sofa where Sita was sitting with her youngest daughter Chanda. Rup with his eldest married sister and her husband were on the opposite sofa, Rup's aunt Mohini was sitting on the third sofa to the left of Sita. I gave a sigh of relief on seeing her there. Soni and I kept standing till the lawyer pointed his finger to the fourth sofa and indicated us to sit.

"I am Mohan, the advocate. Since this is a personal and secret matter, I have called precisely only the family members." He opened his briefcase, took out a file from it, and placed it on the center table. Then he continued in a stern and crisp voice, "Mr. Ramesh had called me a month back and showed his desire of making a registered will, which I have brought with me. Please be attentive, and hear it carefully. In the end I shall give a copy of it to each one of you." Then he looked at all of us and said, "Probably Mr. Ramesh had an intuition of his early death, and when I had said to him there was no hurry, he had said, the earlier the better, and shown urgency for the will."

He had hardly finished his last sentence when Sita interrupted him saying, "Man, read the will soon and tell us immediately, has the whole wealth been left in my name or has he distributed some amount to his dear sister and his married daughter too." As usual her voice was rude and rustic, and the advocate just looked at her in pitiable expression. He then slowly opened a sheet of new crisp paper, held it in one hand, and with the other hand he took a pair of golden frame glasses, parked it on the bridge of his nose, and adjusted it. Then after clearing his throat he started reading in a clear and loud voice.

"I, Ramchand Relani, under full conscience and awareness and complete sanity, with all my higher centers in perfect health, am making this will where in all my farms, my agricultural land, mobile and immobile assets including my bank deposits my wealth in bank lockers, and money in business accounts, shall be transferred under government custody, immediately after my death, under section of "Court of wards." This step is being taken as my only son Rup is a minor and not eligible to inherit my wealth and take care of it till he attains adult age of 21 years. As per my instructions, a cheque of Rs. 5000 per month shall be given to him, on the first of every month, for the maintenance of my family expenses. My family which consists of my wife Sita, my son Rup and his wife Kala and my two unmarried daughters Soni and Chanda This will is irrevocable and operable till Rup attains his 21st birthday. The amount of loans which were extended to my employees is condoned to them, together with the interest, and shall not be claimed back after my death. This will is unchangeable and irrevocable."

After reading the will advocate Mohan kept it back in the file, took out photocopies which he had brought with him, and handed one each to Sita, Rup, the eldest daughter and aunt Mohini. Then he took leave and left the living room. Everyone was spell bound and sat there in stony stillness, lost in their own thoughts, but I was relieved. He has taken a very sensible step and was very farsighted, I thought. He was fully aware of his wife's nature and his son's character and incapability. Five thousand rupees for running a family of 5 members in those days was a big amount.

Then it was Sita who spoke in her usual harsh and disgusted tone. The mournful expression or tone was not reflected at any time. "Has he left some amount for his own cremation, or that has to be borrowed? "Now it was aunt Mohini's turn to speak. All this time she was sitting with her head hung down, eyes brimmed with tears and looking not only sad, but lost. She was probably shattered by her brother's death at a young age of 65 and was concerned about the future of the family. She extended a glance of shameful disgust at Sita and spoke in a low tone, "Now I can understand why he had shown me a secret locker in his Cupboard and said that there was some money in it which was to be used in an emergency. "She ran to his room and brought a sealed envelope containing some currency notes, which she handed over to Rup and said take care of all the expenses till the cremation is over, and all guests gone. It appears to be more than sufficient; you can give it to Kala to keep it safely for you. "I think in this way Mohini aunty was trying to build the missing bond between me and my husband, and trying to create a sense of responsibility in me.

My mother in law's face became flushed with anger and disgust. She rubbed her hands as if the race horse on which she had betted had lost, and her dreams were shattered. She quickly left the room, walked hurriedly up to the swing in the veranda and mounted herself on it. Then she called for her jockey brother who came running and sat next to her and then for hours, they whispered their plans to each other.

By this time my dad, my uncle and my brother had arrived in a jeep. I was surprised that even on this condolence visit they had come loaded with a dozen cartons and bags containing stuff. These were formalities which had to be full filled. I was so excited at the glimpse of my family members that momentarily my grief was washed away. They met the entire family and then came to me. Dad embraced me encircling his arms around my neck, wiped my tears, kissed my forehead again and again and soothed me through and through. When I touched the topic of the will, he hushed me with his finger on my lips and said, "He was a very sensible and gentle personality, a very farsighted business man, he has taken a perfect timely step. In just a couple of years Rup will inherit all his wealth, and learn to manage the whole empire. This is not the time to talk about all these matters, you just do your duty as a daughter in law, his blessings will always be with you. My brother held my hand and said, "Dad knows all minutia about this place, and one of his close friends had informed him. From now onwards, they will try and bring Rup out of that friendship and also from alcohol. Don't you worry; we are all on the job. "Then he rushed after dad to the guest room.

All preparations for the funeral were done; I paid my last respects to him. His face was calm as if he was in deep slumber. There were tears in thousands of eyes, not only his employees, but neighbors, friends and relatives. This spoke highly of his soft and benevolent nature. Then they took him away. At this moment a very peculiar scene was enacted by Sita. She clung to the coffin and started howling, "No! Don't take him away. He was my life, my savior, what will I do without him." In a frenzy fit she started beating herself on her chest and thighs. Where from she produced tears, I could not understand. It was a very well enacted scene, and some of the spectators chuckled with sarcasm.

I knew I would miss him a lot. In the past 3 months I had received a 3 year quota of love from him. I prayed in my mind for the peace of his soul in heaven. Probably he had a premonition of his premature death, so he tried to give my share of love, which he knew was lacking in his family.

My mother in law became like a starved ferocious tigress as if her prey had been snatched away by someone. I started fearing her even more than before. In the next 3 days all the guests left except aunt Mohini. All had left with distaste in their mouth especially due to Sita who hardly felt the loss of her husband. All that she was concerned about was the wealth which had slipped from her clenched fists like dry sand? Her purpose of marriage to a wealthy middle aged man was defeated by his will. He may have assumed the misuse of it all by her or her brother, and hence he took this step. With the will was divorced, the full motive of her plans of marrying a multi-millionaire.

Within a month, two of the servants were turned out; Soni and I were found as the substitutes. Only Moti was retained for her personal work, but he had a soft corner for both of us and used to help us in the kitchen. This sympathy was intolerable for her and he used to get unwarranted thrashings from her in return.

Soni used to console me saying, "Kala don't worry; when she does not treat me well, because I am her step daughter, how can you expect better behavior from her? She had to bear all this right from her childhood, which had probably made her stronger and had molded her nature and character. In the late 40's the amount which was stipend by the bank was more than sufficient for a comfortable living of 5 family members, but half the amount used to evaporate in alcohol, another 10 per cent on friends and the remaining amount used to be spent on household expenses. I made strong efforts to bring Rup off alcohol, but in vain, so finally I gave up and took this life to be my destiny, my luck.

So life rolled bye and nearly one and a half precious years of my life drifted away. Due to Sita's minor ailments I was not granted leave to visit you all. I do not think there was any ailment, it was more of frustration and vengeance, to take revenge from any person who was her husband's favorite, but there was no remedy for that. Rup's friends were instigating him to acquire the wealth by obtaining a forged birth certificate from some hospital showing him as 21 years of age. But the British rule was still in existence and the penalty for any crime was very high so he held himself from it.

Time rolled by very monotonously and I acclimatized myself to the existing conditions of the family and made myself more busy in house hold chores. I had heard from you, mum, "The direct path to a man's heart is through the stomach". So I started making special dishes for Rup, tried to serve him personally, I waited for his late night return and greeted him with a smile. Sometimes I deliberately denied him of sex, which was his only passion and demand after coming home drunk. My only demand was that he leaves alcohol, but this formula also failed. So I again left it to fate, and waited patiently for some magic to occur.

As bad as the conditions were, life was peaceful at least. Then was the period of unrest in the country. The communal discrimination crept in and the country was to be partitioned into India and Pakistan. Within minutes it took the form of looting, arson and riots broke out. Those who were the employees were seen attacking and looting property of their own employers. Mobs became rampant on the streets, houses and market places were set ablaze. Fear spread like fire, all doors windows and gates were tightly locked.

Blazes of fire balls were seen all around. The beautiful sky blue color changed to smoky grey, mingled with fiery red flames which rose from the burning houses. Fumes with high concentration of carbon monoxide made breathing very difficult. White ashes from incinerated houses were seen blowing in the atmosphere. One could smell burning flesh of those victims who were burnt alive in their homes. It was amazing to believe that those who lived like brothers for many years, suddenly broke the bond of friendship and became thirsty of each other's blood.

Suddenly there was a loud thumping sound in our courtyard, and we thought we were the next targets of the intruders. All of us locked ourselves in one big room and held our breath, waiting for the worse to happen. Strict instructions had been given, "Moti do not to open the gate to allow anyone in." Then there were loud knocks on the door as if someone was desperate to get entry. The knocking continued for nearly 5 minutes, when we heard Moti saying, "Madame please open the door and let these children in." I saw, through the crevice of the strong mahogany wooden door, three children standing outside the room near the veranda. So I quickly opened the door and allowed them in. It was a pitiable sight. They were our neighbor's children who had jumped over the high boundary wall into our compound.

They were trembling like jelly fish. The eldest one about 12 years of age broke out in bouts of crying and said, "Our house has been set on fire". My parents have got trapped inside, when they went to collect some valuables and run out. So they told us to jump into your house for shelter. She was limping with agonizing pain, with a fractured ankle. The other two were smaller than her, both boys, were continuously sobbing. I quickly ran to the adjacent room to get a first aid box, applied a pain killer liniment and tied a crepe bandage on her foot. Her expression was of fear mingled with relief. While I was giving her first aid Moti brought a cup of hot milk for each one of them spontaneously, without any permission from the lady of the house.

Then this girl took out a pink bag from her waist and handed over to me saying, "Please keep this safely, mama asked me to tie it on my waist and jump into your house. It contains gold and some currency." I paused for a moment and softly said to her, "It is safer on you, so keep it back and give it to your mother when you go back." Luckily this piece of conversation was only between her and me and that too in whispers. I just caressed them and said, don't worry you are safe here, "God almighty will save your parent too." My mother in law gave a glare in return.

Then I asked the children to take some rest. The little brother about 6 years of age kept his head on his sister's lap and immediately went off to sleep. He was oblivious about the gravity of the situation. The second one, who was about 9, also dozed off. For the first time in all these years, I noticed an expression of appreciation in Rup's eyes. This built my confidence and made me aware of a good human being inside him.

Conditions were deteriorating, and getting from bad to worse, people started migrating to Bombay with whatever cash and gold in hand. We were in a fix, with nothing in hand. All our wealth was in government custody. There were acres and acres of agricultural land, a huge mansion, but nothing in hand to survive even for a few months.

As the day dawned, I quickly sent back the neighbor's children when their father came to fetch them. He thanked us from the core of his heart, for giving them shelter in time of need. They also told us they were leaving urgently for Bombay. For the first time I saw Rup sober and tense, probably he was thinking about moving, but he was empty handed.

In the early hours of the morning, as per my routine, I made 2 cups of tea, one for myself and the other for my mother in law. She was nowhere to be seen. I went to her room, which was all in a mess, old clothes lying on the floor. Chanda her youngest daughter was also not traceable. I ran to Rup and said, "They are all gone." It took him a moment to understand, but before I could explain him further, Moti came in and told us that her brother had sneaked in and helped her pack her belongings and they left the house at midnight, leaving others to their fate. Leave the step daughter Soni, she did not care for her only son too.

Rup asked us to quickly pack up and take some bare essentials and leave. Then he said, "don't forget to take your marriage jewelry." Soni and I hurriedly packed up a few changes, assuming that we would come after about a fortnight. I went to the locker to collect my gold. I was shocked to see it open and empty. I yelled and all were in that room with the open locker gaping at us. So she had swept it empty and fled with her beloved daughter and brother. She did not care about her only son who was penniless and his future in darkness. I just closed my eyes and prayed to God for some miracle to save our lives.

Instantly we heard the honking of a jeep at our main gate. Moti ran to see, and heard a familiar voice saying, "Moti let me in soon." He opened the gate without our permission, letting in the jeep. Which stopped with a jerk, the driver jumped out and said, "Don't waste time, let me help you with the baggage and lets flee immediately, your father has sent me." In the panic I had not been able to recognize him as my old driver. We all boarded the Jeep with our belongings, I insisted Moti to accompany us, but he wanted to stay back and take care of the mansion till we return, so the three of us left. I gave a sigh of relief, thinking, "I am still the eldest daughter of my parents, and they could never abandon me in time of need." I gave a last glance to the mansion where I had entered barely 2 years ago, as a bride, fully loaded with precious jewelry and heavy ornaments, wearing a rich brocade sari, daughter of a well-known famous rich business man and the daughter in law of a multimillionaire business tycoon, wife of the only heir of unlimited wealth. I left this house empty handed, dressed in most ordinary clothes and having no jewelry on me, going to an unknown destination where destiny was to place me like a dice on a chess board.

It was still not full day light when we left our house, we could see the whole city burning. Rioters were seen ransacking shops and torching the houses to locate their next target. The police sirens were heard faintly as if from a distance and were silenced by the sheer number of vandals. The police was brazenly pushed away with stones and chairs and even fire crackers. The sky was a vantage of red, yellow and orange flames which burnt away the faith and safety of a common man. She narrated all this in one breath without even taking a glass of water in between to moisten her lips. All this reflected on her sour feelings and the sufferings she had experienced. I was so stupefied at the whole tale, as if I had had a bad dream. She even noticed that our area was quieter and not much turmoil visible.

"So here I am, my dear sister, with a full account of the time I spent in my married life with my in laws. I know this is the biggest stroke of destiny on me and my parents. Nobody can be blamed for all these events. My parents chose the wealthiest family who could provide all the comforts that I was used to, but who knew the minute details of their nature and character?" She said all this in one breath looking at her sister.

After listening to her pathetic story my next question shot at her, "How did Rup attain all these injuries? "I glanced at him, lying on the bed in deep slumber, blood still oozing from the fresh wounds inflicted on him. The lower lid of his right eye was edematous and black due to some blunt injury. The short stump of the tip of his nose was swollen and resembling the joker's nose in the circus. His clothes were soiled in blood and mud slush, but in spite of all these injuries he was calm as if in coma.

She put her right hand on her forehead and said, "Mum, probably fate was not fully satisfied with the wounds inflicted on my mind, his share was in store for him. I was so relieved when our driver came to pick us and we hurriedly sat in the jeep and fled to save our lives. We had hardly travelled about 5 miles when the jeep stopped with a sudden jolt nearly throwing me and Soni off the back seat. There was a large mob collected in the middle of the road, looked very violent and ferocious, most of them were having a weapon or a bamboo in hand. Suddenly I saw Rup taking out his revolver and make an air fire. He shouted very loudly, "Move out, make way, you have blocked our way." Then he started laughing very loudly and continuously.

This act was sufficient to instigate the infuriated mob; they just pulled open the battered door, pulled him out and dragged him out of the jeep, flung him on the ground and started beating him with their feet and bamboos. Some of them had steel bars and cycle chains in their hands; they all were frenzied and shouted very loudly,

"Go away you traitors, leave our country, or we kill you. You make us toil in your farms, we shed our sweat and blood and you collect all the riches, "were the shouts coming. The driver was stunned, he looked back at us and said, "Dive down and hide yourselves below the seat."

I was completely dazed and before I could dive, I saw two hefty people hold Rup's hands tight on the back and a third man slipped a truck tire around his head. Then one of them sprinkled some fluid, probably petrol, on the tire and took out a match box from his pocket to ignite it. I closed my eyes and dived down and thought this is the end.

A loud voice came from the crowd, "No, no! Don't kill him, his father was a kind soul, he had donated pieces of land to many of us and had even condoned the loans extended to us." He quickly intervened and shouted, "Let them go."

He was probably their leader, so they stopped, dragged Rup and threw him into the jeep like a bag of grains. The driver was awe stricken and wasted no time in starting the jeep and darted out of the city premises racing like a bullet.

I was wondering how Rup could have done that stupid action of air fire and then laugh in front of a violent mob and instigate them. Soni could read my thoughts, she knew her brother more than me. She whispered in my ear, "Before leaving the house he had consumed his dose of cannabis indica, I had observed him in the jeep pulling imaginary threads and laughing to himself, but he would create this scene, was beyond my imagination."

Instantaneously his ego and anger banished as rapidly as it had risen, leaving him deflated like a day old party balloon. He just sank into the front seat adjacent to the driver, moaning with pain and agony.

" Mum, you know at one moment I thought God is relieving me of all my marital ties and sending me back to my parents, but I felt a stab of pity for the first time and in that moment of distress I was praying to the almighty for his safety and life."

After listening to all this I said "Is this not strange? The ties of marriage are so strong, that a person whom you have married hardly 2 years back, who is not a good character, he does not love you or care for you. When he is in peril, you pray for his safety. I am happy that you thought of the right path even when you were in danger." I was happy that the heavens had worked and they were the beneficiary of a miracle, their lives were saved.

Then she continued the remaining part of the incidence. Mum after fleeing from there I saw such pitiable scenes which are beyond imagination. Our entire population is in absolute wreck. Some areas appeared as if they have been savaged by an air raid. The entire villages had been wiped out. The driver told us that a large number of people have been forcibly converted and their children kidnapped, women abducted and openly raped. Women have been subjected to maximum humiliation and torture. The extent of their agony was evident from the heart breaking scene which we saw on the way. When we were passing through a small village I saw a group of gangsters chasing like wolves, women who were running at their fastest, to save their honor. Then in the blink of the eye I saw them jump into an open well, one after another, till there was none left. This traumatic scene has left a wrecking impression on my mind, which probably will never fade out of my memory. She sighed, took a deep breath and nearly collapsed on the bed.

I developed apathy for the word of child marriage. Now I knew why my husband, Ram had kept me ignorant of all the happenings. He feared that it would go into depression at the plight of my daughter's condition and never think of getting my second daughter married. All this time I was under the impression that Kala is not able to come and see us because of her domestic problems, but the gravity of these problems was so great, was beyond my imagination.

Then came the turmoil which turned our lives into a nightmare, Ram told me that we may have to leave our hometown as India is going to be partitioned.

"The savage acts of riots and terrorism are seriously spreading. The whole population has been infected with a spirit of vendetta and revenge. This was happening on both sides of borders. Both communities who were living peacefully were now arch enemies. They have indulged into committing adultery on the helpless women folk of the opposite community. Some of the abducted women, who were to be saved by the police authorities from the grip of rioters, have been unfortunate enough to be raped by them. The saviors have also turned to be wolves, so now the question of staying here does not arise. We have to move out immediately."

I could not contemplate the meaning but could feel the tension on his face. I could see houses in the vicinity being set ablaze and there was large scale arson.

My husband, Ram, was a very renowned and respectable personality in the society, and well known for his wealth. He was once brought home on a stretcher by his employees. "What has happened to him? "I had screamed. We were told that when he was returning from the farms, he was attacked by some miscreants. Fortunately he was saved by his sincere employees. He had sustained minor injuries, but his moral was shattered. At that time I could anticipate that under these circumstances it would not be too long, when we will have to migrate.

From that very day we took an immediate decision to migrate to India. We were having very high hopes of returning after peace was restored. So we decided to bury most of the wealth in the form of gold coins and jewelry in the floor of the attic room. "When things are settled we will come back, to reclaim all our wealth, and restart our business later on." This was to be kept a secret between the two of us, me and my husband and of course no one was taken into confidence regarding this matter. Our children were too immature to be party to this decision.

Life had been going on smoothly and our second daughter was nearing sweet sixteen but after hearing her sister's story she was determined never to risk her future in marriage. Then came the day when real scare was created. Rumor was that Hindu girls were being kidnapped and raped. Whenever there was a knock on the door I asked my girls to run and hide under the bed or the table in the darkest of rooms. Both my grown up girls were terror stricken. Things were going from bad to worse and finally we decided to move out and go to Bombay. We collected some of our jewelry and whatever cash we had. Few valuable small items were taken and we were to migrate in a ship. For us it was very agonizing to leave behind property and the business and most of the valuables. Everything slipped away like dry sand from the fist. A remote hope of returning home one day was still in the minds, which remained just a hope and never materialized.

Chapter 3

I can vividly recall the picture, when we stood there with our baggage packed, which contained only the bare essentials, and were about to exit from our beloved home. My eyes and mind looked back, probably to have a last glimpse of the home where I had stepped in as a newlywed bride, with loads of materialistic belongings, gifted by my parents. I had spent twenty years of my prime youth under this roof. I had decorated each room according to my taste. How I used to show off with every new item which Ram, my beloved husband, had gifted me. My masterpiece was the gramophone of my room which was one of the rarest collections of that time. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I just exclaimed, "Why did all this have to happen so soon. The day had just dawned for our comforts and luxuries, everything seems to have perished."

My husband had just held my hand tight and said, "Take this as the will of destiny; I am sure it will not be cruel with us. We will come back soon and get all our fortune back. "So with heavy hearts we said good bye to our home and left for an unknown land. The home which meant so much to us, where all my children were born . The home where they grew up from the infant to childhood and then adult age . How and when could we get back to our home, sweet home . The sweet memories would remain with us all our life. Everyone was in panic to leave soon and save their life and honor. The queue for the available ship was long, so we had to spend two nights in a small guest house before our turn came.

It was midsummer and we slept on the terrace due to the heat. The darkness of the night had not yet changed its color to the hue of the rising sun, when there was a sudden thud on the terrace; a large brick had fallen on Ram's pillow and fell on the ground saving his head just by an inch or two. We all got very tense but thanked our stars for his life being saved. It was then that we made a final decision to move out as soon as possible and never to return again. Probably this was what the miscreants had wanted. The brick had been deliberately thrown from the adjacent house which was at a higher level. The aim was to create scare and panic.

The harsh memories of my past life were making me tense even till date.

Suddenly I felt my heart was sinking. My breath was very rapid and my tongue parched, and I softly asked for water. She looked at the doctor for permission; who nodded his head and allowed me a few sips of water. My thoughts along with my tongue became moistened, and I again walked down my memory lane and tried to capture the string from where I had left it.

I could clearly see the tension on my husband's face during the entire journey. Going to a new country with five children , of different ages and above all, a grown up beautiful girl. There was no certainty of any future work. It must have been heart breaking for a person of his status. He valued life and honor more than his wealth. Then he had to shoulder the added burden of three more persons who were added by my elder daughter's family. His younger brothers had opted to stay back and did not migrate .It took us full four days to travel by steamer from Karachi to Bombay.

There were about 1800 passengers on board, its capacity being only 1500, but because of the rush, a three hundred extra were accommodated. All showed tension of variable degree, trying to take care of their belongings. Those who could not be accommodated in rooms and cabins were to occupy the deck, which was also packed. For the children it was like a long picnic but tension and fear was revealed from every adult. They did not know what the next day had in store for them. Food and water was being served very conservatively, and the quality was such that consumption was also meager.

It was the first time that we were sailing in a huge steamer. Both my daughters went up to the third floor of the ship named "Dongra" to get a view of the Pacific Ocean.

The sun had completed its journey from east to west and was about to plunge into the ocean and cast a spell of darkness for 10 hours. The rays of the sun spread a golden sheet on the surface of the ocean which appeared as if someone was bleeding on the under surface of the water. The ball of fire was playing hide and seek with the few clouds floating in the sky. Finally it hid under the water and at a point the sky and earth seemed to embrace each other. The sky gradually changed its shades of color from blue to pink to grey and finally black.

The beauty of the sunset was exquisite but the mind was tumultuous like the waves of the ocean, and could not appreciate any beauty of nature; both sisters had the same hurricane storm in their minds, "What is in store for us tomorrow?" All that was visible was the darkness of the approaching night like the darkness of our future. Suddenly I felt the warmth of a gentle hand on my shoulder, and a soothing voice said, "What are you all doing here at this time?" Ram had come looking for the three of us when he had not found us in our cabin.

We turned back to find him, posing to be very poise and calm but his face spoke of the fathoms of his anxiety. We spent four days and nights on board, and finally the sight of land on the western coast brought the news of Bombay harbor approaching.

We had landed at Bombay harbor. It was a complete mess. People sitting in groups around their belongings and valuables, waiting to be taken to the camps, set up for refugees. We were staying in open air. There were snakes and scorpions moving about. Water was rationed and Government agencies used to give food supply. Water was to be drawn from hand pumps, the girls used to be spared of this activity. We could hardly sleep due to fear of our meager possessions being stolen, or some miscreants trying to harass us. We could see around us some people trying to capitalize on the miseries of the common man. Extra care and protection was given to our girls because of their tender age. We spent full two days and three nights in this open air accommodation, before our turn came to move into barracks. Ram took a precautionary measure to register Rup's family separately in order to get two different accommodations for two families.

We were taken to kalyan camp which was set up at the outskirts of Bombay. We were allotted a barrack with tin roof. Its walls were of about eight feet height. It had a hall, a room and a toilet. A temporary kitchen was set up and we used to bring water from hand pumps, extra precautions were taken at every step to keep away from the evil eyes of bad people. Sanitary conditions were not good; most of the inhabitants had contacted a skin disease like scabies.

This sudden change in life style was a shock to all of us but we did not lose heart, because a remote hope of going back to our native land and acquiring back the left over assets was still persisting. I still remember that day clearly when our domestic servant Moti came to work in our house. He had also migrated. Very decently we had refused his request saying, "It will be difficult for us to feed seven mouths, and from now we will not be able to afford a servant, till we establish ourselves again."

"Sir but I want to stay here with these little children whom I have brought up, and I know they miss me and my services, how will Madame manage the kitchen, she has never worked." Ram was pertinent and refused his services. We were used to a clean and luxurious life, and adjustment was next to impossible for me the most. All could manage somehow, but I was highly sensitive to unhealthy surroundings. My children extended a helping hand and we somehow dragged our life hoping for a sure change. Unfortunately that glamour, that pomp and show never returned in our life.

Fortunately or unfortunately my daughter Kala's family had been allotted a quarter at quite some distance, which maintained their privacy and did not make Rup a parasite on us. It gave him a chance to struggle and earn a living, though help was being extended to them in time of need. The partition of the country, Change of governments, new rules, regulations and constitutions, brought multiple obstacles in his way to get his wealth back from court of wards. When all his legal correspondence failed, he even tried his last threat. A suicidal attempt was made by him to threaten the authorities. When there were no results, he sat patiently and waited for the day to dawn when he would acquire all his sealed wealth.

Life started reeling again and a year passed by. One fine morning we could hear loud music and sermons from adjoining hutment. I learnt that the adjoining shed was converted in a temple by a young Pujari. He was quick to cash on the sorrows of the refugees. We also visited the temple frequently to pray to God to rid our sufferings. In hard times and in times of need God is the only savoir.

One day, it was nearly midday, the loud music and sermons of the temple were over. I was cleaning the room when I heard a peculiar hustle bustle in the temple hall associated with some whispers. Out of curiosity I picked up a wooden stool, climbed on it, and tried to peep across the wall into the hall. The young pujari had caught hold of a young girl's hand; she was struggling to let herself free. She tried to scream but he closed her mouth with one of his strong hands and literally dragged her into the room and closed the door behind him. I was stunned to see all this, so I ran to my neighbor's house and told them about the whole scene. They quickly ran out collected some more neighbors and entered the temple hall. They all started banging on the door which was locked from inside. The girl's loud screams were audible; when the door did not open, they broke it open, and just saved that girl from being molested. She quickly set her clothes right and ran out of the room crying. The pujari buttoning himself, fumbled for defensive words. But the crowd did not let him go; they beat him hollow and handed him over to the police for abusing the temple, a sacred place. After this incidence we took an immediate decision to move out of this place as soon as possible.

We moved out to Indore which was another town where refugees from Sind had settled down. My parents were already there. We rented a house, younger children all started going for studies. Our second daughter, Nitu, was big enough for marriage and we started looking for a match. We were being shuttled from one place to another in search of a good stable business and the children's education.

I still remember how Ram had got my youngest daughter, admitted to a convent school. He even got her free ship on sympathetic grounds of a refugee. She came out with flying colors, and soon became her teachers pet. Ram used to devote a lot of time to her studies; she used to top in class and made him happy and proud. He had judged her caliber and the potential of her grey matter, and wanted her to achieve some high goals in life.

Nitu's prospective groom was found in the town of Kota. He belonged to a very good educated family. He was good looking, really handsome and had a pleasing personality. In all these hassles of migration and the hardships that followed, Kala's life being prematurely ruined, apathy to arranged marriage which Nitu had developed, was gone and forgotten. Moreover I did not want to make things difficult for Ram. I had no reason to say no to this proposal. Arranged marriages were settled by parents. The main concern used to be high family lineage, respectable living standard and a good looking boy with a basic earning. I think this fulfilled nearly all the requirements .This taboo of arranged marriage became so deep rooted in my genes that it affected my crucial decisions in later life. She was shown a photograph of the future groom and her consent was taken. He looked handsome and smart, so there was no reason for me to reject the proposal for Nitu. Because of the miscalculations in Kala's marriage, we took extra precautions and probed well into the boy's character and habits.

Once again I am feeling a vacuum, and a sinking feeling .This time I felt myself falling slowly and gradually into a dark black well. The depth of which was beyond any unit of measurement .It seemed like a bottomless well. Suddenly I felt a very harsh blow on left part of my chest, my doctor tried to resuscitate me with a cardiac massage and some injections in my drip. As I came around, I felt my face flushing and a rapid pulse rate giving me a feel of palpitation but I soon composed myself to complete my journey of the past. My chain of thoughts caught up from where they had broken.

I saw myself in my family, making preparations for Nitu's marriage .It was mid-summer, extremely hot. The entire family was busy in the arrangements. All shopping was complete; only packing was to be done.

Our family use to sleep in open air in the backcourt yard during the summers. One morning Ram woke up early and he found the door of the house bolted from inside and he could see plenty of light inside, this he thought was unusual, he could judge that something was terribly wrong. The door was opened and we could see a gaping hole in the side wall .Burglars had struck; all the jewelry and cash had disappeared. The police was informed; they could find empty boxes outside .We had no confidence in police and knew even if they trace out the thieves nothing will be recovered from them. This was a cruel blow on us, as the marriage was fast approaching. I still remember the tension which prevailed in the family. Everyone was disturbed; I was hit most, as my daughter's future was at stake. I feared the breakup of my marriage. I just don't know why fate was so cruel and giving repeated blows to our family one after another. I used to pray to the Almighty to give sufficient strength to my dear husband to bear all these shocks and remain strong.

We borrowed money as we did not want to lose a good proposal and a good family where our daughter was going. The marriage took place in a traditional way on fairly good scale. There was no comparison to the grandeur of the first marriage of our house. Nitu was sent to her husband's house with all our blessings for a happy life.
Chapter 4

One morning, we were sitting in the veranda of our small rented house sipping our cup of morning tea. There was a loud knock on the gate and a gentleman dressed smartly in a dark smoky grey suit with a matching black tie, a red handkerchief corner peeping from his upper coat pocket, a pin striped light sky blue shirt walked in a sophisticated manner. His black cherry blossomed shoes glimmered like a glass. He wore a pair of golden framed spectacles which spoke of the high quality. I looked in a baffled expression at my husband's face as if to inquire, who is he, do you know him? Ram gave a similar blank look at me and before we could collect our composure, the man swiftly approached us bowed down and touched our feet one by one. It was all so casual that first I was taken aback, but within a fraction of a second I recognized him as Moti, our previous domestic servant of the pre partition era.

We offered him a chair but he kept standing and said, "Sir you are still my master, who took care of me when I was in need of a job after my father's death. You loved me like your own children, and thought me the value of hard work and honesty. Sir I have yet not forgotten the day when I had approached you in the refugee camp for a job."

Ram said in a very soft tone, "I am sure you could understand my inability at that point of time." Then he added, "but tell me now what are you doing, where are you living, and how big is your family?"

"Oh, sir, so many questions in one go, I will stay with you the whole day and narrate my full story in detail. First let me go and meet the children. Then I will make a cup of tea for myself and for you." I held him back saying, "The children are all in college and will return at 4pm, and today, let me make a cup of tea for you."

"No, madam that is my duty," he rushed to the kitchen and came with a tray having 3 cups of tea. I don't know if it tastes as good as you had trained, madam, your kitchen is as organized and clean as it used to be." I just smiled back at him as if to say thanks, and offered him a chair to sit. He shook his head and said, "No sir I will not humiliate you by sitting with you, I am fine." Ram just pushed him on the chair and said, "Now sit down and answer all my questions about you and your family."

He paused for a moment as if planning where to start from. Then he said, "Sir, you remember the day I had come to you for a job and your refusal to reappoint me had made me homeless, I just didn't know where to find shelter for my family. I could realise your inability to accept my services. I went to my father in law, who had moved to Surat and was working as a labor in the mines. My wife was his only beloved daughter, so he agreed to accommodate us for a short time till I find some job.

He took me to the mines, to the agent, to request him for a job. When we reached his office that agent was furious with an employee and scolded him saying, "You have been absenting yourself so frequently, and now you want leave again, it's just not possible."

That man replied in a trembling tone, "But sir, my son is critically ill and I have to get him admitted to a hospital, there is no one else to take care of him."

The agent looked at us and said, "Yes, what can I do for you?" His tone was harsh and frustrated. I folded my hands and requested him, "I came here to ask for a laborer's job in the mines."

He immediately replied, "No, we don't need any more workers in the mine." I was about to spin around my back when his eyes shone and he said, "Can you work in this man's place till he returns?"

I was so desperately in need of work, I immediately agreed without even asking the type of work. Then he took me to the diamond cutting and polishing unit, and deputed a person to explain my work and train me for a day. Then he left saying, "I will come tomorrow and see the results."

So this is how I was employed in a diamond factory. Sir, I was completely raw in this field, but with full concentration and sincerity, I took training from that old employee for two days in diamond cutting and polishing. Sir, with your blessings and mercy of the almighty, I picked up the tricks of the trade in a short span of time and expertise in it.

After this Moti picked up all the empty cups in a tray, went to the kitchen, washed them and put them back in place, and came wiping his hands with a brand new white handkerchief. "Madam I had seen you wearing diamonds in your rings and bangles, but I had never touched a diamond. And here I was, handling large sized diamonds, which glittered in the bright light and dazzled my eyes.

One day the owner of the factory came for a surprise visit and saw me working on a large sized diamond, very sincerely and intensely. After a few moments he summoned meto his office. I thought the previous employee has returned from leave and my job will be terminated. When I reached his office, he looked up at me and said, "You seem to be a new comer, how long have you been here?"

I replied in a submissive tone, "Sir, three months and a week, but I promise I will work harder and reach to your expectations."

He interrupted me in between saying, "Expectations; man, you have proved your worth beyond any expectations. The diamond on which you worked yesterday has turned out to be the best cut and polish, increasing its value many fold, from tomorrow you will sit in my office and work only on the big sized special cut diamonds."

Then he took out an envelope from his drawer and handed it to me saying, "This is your bonus for three months." I thanked him sincerely and left his room. When I counted the amount at home, the total was many fold the salary of three months. Sir, the seed of honesty and hard labor was sown by you in my childhood, and it bore the fruits and labeled me as one of the best diamond cutters of Surat.

Within 2 years I was appointed as the manager of the factory and started receiving a very handsome salary. The little bit of English which I had picked up from your children proved helpful in my office work. Both my children were admitted to a good school for higher education.

Just before the festival of deepawali, my boss visited our house, and brought plenty of sweets for us. Then he opened a box containing a beautiful diamond necklace for my wife. When I refused to accept such an expensive gift, he interrupted me saying, "don't think I am trying to bribe you with this expensive gift. Actually due to your expert knowledge in cutting and polishing of diamonds, I have made double profits on my products, and I am giving you just your share for the workmanship.

I was so delighted and honored by his visit that I called my wife and both children to serve him some tea and snacks. Then looking at me Moti said, madam you remember, my daughter Rupa, who used to play with your children the whole day,and you had put her in some school. She turned out to be a very brilliant student, and beautiful too. When she came in to serve tea, my boss was struck by her beauty. He could not remove his gaze from her. It made us all feel very embarrassed.

A few weeks later, he invited us to his house for dinner. I was very apprehensive to accept this invitation from my boss, but he insisted that the whole family was invited, so I had to agree. We reached his mansion in a taxi , there was a fleet of most expensive cars parked in his portico. All the guards and servants were seen in their respective uniforms. We were stunned to see the grandeur of his mansion. The Italian marble floor reflected our images like a mirror. The beautiful well designed roof exhibited exclusive scenic colors. Every piece of furniture in the living room was exquisite. A large chandelier hung from the center of the room illuminating the entire room with its beautifully designed bulbs. There were elegantly decorated flower vases in all the corners of the room. Rich brocade tapestry covered sofa sets were elegantly arranged in all four directions. Matching curtains draped from all the stain glass painted window. In one glance I could appreciate the wall nut carved side tables arranged orderly. In short we were amazed at the décor and the grandeur of the living room.

We were very cordially welcomed and made ourselves comfortable. My boss entered with his wife and son, we were formally introduced. He was decent enough to introduce me as Mr. Moti, and his wife Mrs. Moti. His son was tall and fair with a few discolored patches on the face and hands. He appeared tobe a bit shy and introvert type of person. I had never seen him in his factory. His wife was very dignified and graceful. We had a sumptuous dinner and all were interacting with one another. After that we were dropped home in one of his cars. I was not able to understand the purpose of this invitation, but all the same, I was very hoppy that my boss is impressed with my work.

The very next day, while I was working in his room, he came up to me and handed a file of papers saying, "When you go home read these papers carefully, think about everything, then let me know your decision in a week's time." The whole day I was not able to concentrate on my regular work. All the time I was thinking about the papers and their contents. On reaching home in the evening, the first thing was to open the papers and read them. There were some stamp papers which showed me as 25% owner of the factory. There was a covering letter attached. It read as " Mr Moti, your children are studying in Surat Higher education center. Your daughter has topped in her graduation examination, your son in class 12th is also a brilliant student. You are looking for a match for your daughter. My son, who is 23 years, is a postgraduate from the same college. Rupa your daughter, may not be knowing him because of her one tract mind focused on studies only, which also reflects on her spotless character. My son knows her as his college mate. He is suffering from leukoderma which is an endogenous skin disease. It has failed to respond to any treatment. All sorts of therapies have been tried. He has developed a liking for your daughter. If Rupa has no objection to his skin disease, which is of course non- infectious, then I will be honored to have her as my daughter in law. Since relationship is always between two equals, I am sending the partnership deed papers duly signed by me. There is no compulsion for this deal, as the decision is based entirely on your daughter."

Moti narrated the entire story in a single breath, and then said, "Sir my first reaction was of anger, and I thought how he dared to bribe me with a partnership in exchange of my daughter's hand for his diseased son. I will leave this job and take up another job somewhere else, but I will never sacrifice my beloved daughter's life, was my answer. Actually Rupa who had read the full papers for me, sat there very silently, sober and composed. She said, papa, just ring up doctor uncle and discuss the whole matter with him. After this Moti paused and continued, Sir, I still remember how much I had wished you and madam to be with me and guide me on this subject. Your whereabouts were unknown to me. I called up my doctor friend who was their family physician too. He and Rupa were of the same opinion that it is a depigmentation of the skin and it is noninfectious, self-limiting disease. Then Rupa came up with a very valid question, "Papa what if you find the best boy for me and he develops this type of disease after some time?" This sentence spoke of her maturity.

I was under the impression that she was too small at the time of Kala's marriage, but she had been a silent spectator to those episodes and said just one sentence which was an eye opener for me.

She said, "Papa, you remember Kala was wedded to the richest groom and returned after two years with a failed marriage. Sir and madam had done their very best, but destiny had a different script written for her, which is beyond the control of any parental affection. This marriage will give me the guarantee of the boy's character at least. Then you have toiled very hard to attain this position, why do you want to close the door when opportunity is knocking at your door. Papa, I think you should agree to this marriage,"

Moti paused for a moment and then continued, I was still reluctant, and did not want to comprise in any way for my daughter's future. Just to make our family financially strong, I did not want to plunge into it.

Then my wife, whom I used to consider as an illiterate simple lady, spoke sense and hammered it into my head. She said, "Men can never understand the miseries of a life of poverty, it's only the women, who have to plan every meal to make both ends meet. Have you ever asked me how many times I went to bed on empty stomach when there used to be nothing left for me. Surely I would never want the same history to be repeated in my daughter's life." When I realized that all the votes were in favour of this marriage, I also set my mind in a positive direction.

Sir, I had never dreamt even in the best of my dreams, that my daughter's marriage would be on such a high standard with great pomp and show. All the business tycoons of the city were there, and I was introduced to them as his partner and given equal respect. Rupa glittered from head to toe with gems and diamonds. Their mansion was so well decorated that it appeared like fairyland. After the wedding she shifted to this palatial house.

Madam, I need to apologize for not having traced you before the marriage. Believe me, I tried my very best, but you where abouts were not traceable. It was only on last Sunday that a gentleman, who visited our factory for some business deal, saw me and called me by my name, and said, "Are you not the same person whom I used to meet at Ram's house. I used to come frequently for farming payments and transactions. He always called you to offer tea and stuff." Then he told me about your where about, and I came to meet you all.

"Sir, and madam, I request you with folded hands to come and bless me and my family, and now come and stay with me and give me a chance to serve you once again like your son."

We were moved by his love and affectionate gesture and both of us mouthed the same words simultaneously, "our blessings are always with you. God bless you, we will surely come and visit you some day and meet your family. Destiny had written a bright script for you, so just maintain your honesty and hard work and enjoy the fruits of labour."

He stayed for a few hours, met the children on their return from college, hugged them very affectionately and then left. After he was gone, I just sat in my room and pondered over the luck lines which some people have carved on their palms. These are the people who left nothing behind, who have no regrets for the partition of the country. After coming here, they achieved more than they had lost. While taking leave from us, Moti had categorically said, "Sir, one thing is sure that hard work and destiny go hand in hand." To this I had responded immediately "No, son, it is the other way round, destiny and hard work go hand in hand." Then we had bid him good bye with all our good wishes. His humility was the best ornament which he had preserved till date.

Hard work was being done for the past 15 years, but lady luck seems to be sleeping and forgotten to come forwards and change our life to the glorious golden days of the past. I thought we were fools to bury our wealth in the attic with the remote hope of returning back to claim it. Ram had asked me many a times to burry my past and start living in the present. Then I reconciled myself and thought, if destiny had to see us empty handed, all our wealth could have been stolen at the harbor where we had heard of many cases of theft and burglary.

Once again my present ailment took over and broke the chain of my thoughts. I started moaning, indicating the severity of pain. The white round wall clock showed me the faintly moving hands ticking towards 4 o'clock. The effect of pain killer injection had waned off and it was time for the next dose. I felt a mosquito bite prick on my right buttock. I am sure it was Renu's hand which had never made me feel the prick of any injections. Once relieved of pain, I grabbed the string of thoughts where it had broken and travelled into my past.

It was then that Ram could read my disturbed mind. We were so much inter connected, that verbal communication had no role. We could read the slate of the mind and decipher exactly the wave length of one another.

He quoted the incidence of his best friend Prem, "Sweet heart, you seem to have forgotten the case of our wealthy famous business man Prem, who was our best friend. The entire story of our dear friend Prem , became fresh in my mind. The day he was migrating to India, he had very arrogantly come and told us that he was taking a flight and moving out, he also added that he was carrying all his wealth, so a flight would be safer and less time consuming. Our thinking was different and had high hopes of returning. Then we had lost contact with him and after 10 years, while reading the newspaper, I came across his photograph in the obituary column. It read, Mr.Prem the eminent stock broker, passed away at a young age due to sudden heart attack, leaving behind 3 minor sons and a young wife and a heavy debt.

I was shocked to read this clipping, and remembered the previous day's news clipping, showing a sudden crash of the share market, due to the Harshad Mehta scam. I knew Prem as an aggressive business man wanting to be a multimillionaire in a short span of time. I felt very sorry for his 3 small sons and his very young wife. I still remember, his first wife was infertile and could not bear any children, so he had remarried a beautiful young girl of an ordinary family. She bore for him one after another three sons, which had made him very proud and her very arrogant. Polygamy in those days was permitted on social ground. His first wife went into depression due to ill treatment and even developed maniac phases at times. She was admitted to a mental asylum, and during migration, she was left in the asylum. I thought an insane person may not have a sound mind, but a broken heart is more than sufficient to curse a person to perish.This is probably what had happened to Prem.

Ram then reminded me of the day when his young wife had approached us after a fortnight of her husband's death; sunken eyes, shabby neglected looks, all her glamour seemed to have gone away with Prem. We extended our formal condolence, and before we could ask the purpose of her visit, she opened a yellow colored bag, took out a pouch and kept it on the table and broke out, tears rolling down her cheeks; "You are the only person, whom I can rely upon. I had always heard Prem appreciate you for your honesty, and business tact, but unfortunately he did not pick any of these qualities. The amount of wealth we had brought would have sufficed for generations to come, even if we had not worked all through life. He wanted to multiply his riches to a thousand times in the shortest span of time. Probably he forgot that more than destiny and ahead of time, no achievement can be made.

Aggressive as he was, he indulged in forward trading in the stock markets. He used to pass many sleepless nights, rolling in bed or chain smoking. He considered me too immature for any advice. Then on that ill- fated Saturday morning, when the market crashed to its bottom, he as usual was on the television channel, following the ups and downs of the stocks, sipping his 3rd cup of morning tea with a cigarette in his hand. When I entered his room I saw him reclined on the sofa, a cigarette still smouldering in between his index and middle fingers, with an agonising look on his face. Before I could ask him for another cup of tea, I got an aura of some impending mishap. I just rushed towards him, shook him saying, "lie down properly and sleep well, you haven't slept well last night;" he did not respond and the pallor of his face astonished me. He had had a severe heart attack, and did not give us even sufficient time to call a doctor. He was all wet with perspiration, a blenched face, pallor showed on every part of his body. He gave me a last pitiable glance and dropped his head to one side. I screamed for help. All servants came running and called for the doctor, who after a thorough check up declared him dead and said that sudden shock had precipitated an attack of acute myocardial infarction. He further added that as a friend he had advised him several times to leave smoking and alcohol and be little less aggressive in his deals. But he was beyond any control.

She continued in a sobbing tone, " For a moment I was immobilized, too dazed to do anything but to crouch on the ground. Despite the pounding headache, momentarily at least I knew that the heavens have cast a curse, given by some broken heart". How I wish we had brought her along with us and not abandoned her in the mental asylum. I could not imagine even in the worst of my dreams that he has put at stakes all his property, cash and gold, and leave us all on the road. Even our residential house is to be auctioned to pay off his debts." She fought to control a sob that rose in her throat, a compulsion to maintain her composure, battling her grief.

The lawyers have explained to me that all our coppers are empty, and the debts have to be cleared after auctioning our residential house. Once again she burst into a fit of sobs and with trembling hands opened the knot of the yellow pouch lying on the table, unfolded it to reveal the contents. This is all the jewelry which was in my custody for my personal use. It is not on any record of our assets. I think you are the only reliable person who can keep it and give the amount in exchange, and help me out from this crisis. With this amount I will be able to sustain my family till my eldest son is big enough to find a menial job.

Ram and I sat there stony still, spellbound, fumbled for consolatory words. We were just amazed at the fall and perish of a happy family. We both knew the strength of our bank balances. Finally Ram picked up courage and said in an apologetic tone, "How I wish we could have helped you in this crucial time, but we can go to good jeweler and ask for an equivalent amount for your jewelry". Then Ram went with her and got the job done in the best possible way.

On his return, he found me sitting in the same room probably pondering over the collapse of one well flourished family from a heavenly perch down to earth or rather below the underground level. The elevation of another family, who rose from a domestic servant, to a famous businessman.

Once again I felt uneasy and wanted to turn my side. But I was so listless and lethargic and exhausted, that I was unable to move even a limb. I lay straight on the bed like a carcass of skin and bones. So this was me, who was so energetic and so vibrant so vocal and active. I just signalled to my son Nandu, showing the desire to turn my posture, which he did very gently. He caressed my back applied some dusting powder and set the air cushion right; I felt some relief. My chain of thoughts again found a continuation of the string where it had broken off. So once again I set off on the journey of my past which had been so eventful but unpleasant too. I wanted to relive every bit of it before leaving for my heavenly abode.

Dame luck was not smiling on us and Nandu wanted to us to shift to Surat and try our luck. We bought a small factory manufacturing tools for Textile and diamond units. Surat was a beautiful port town and many textile industries were coming up. It was a quiet place mostly inhabited by people from Sind. During those days it had not developed well, but I took this as a minor issue. Many refugees had settled in this town and it was amazing to see most of them had flourishing businesses; unfortunately we were still struggling to set up a stable business. More of financial strain and tensions affected Ram's health and led to hypertension. But he always appeared strong, and accepted whatever destiny had in store for him.

Nandu always had a fancy for white collared profession; he tried to enter into other ventures but luck did not seem to change. He kept on changing businesses. Rolling stones never gather moss; that is what happened. He kept on losing money, finally he joined hands with his father and helped in his business and started helping him in his small factory.

It was a dusky Tuesday evening, the hands of the clock standing in a straight line ticking to 6'oclock sharp when Ram was about to close down the shutters of his small factory, all the workers gone, His cash box lay open with the currency in Ram's hands. Three youngsters came dashing into the factory premises. Ram was startled to see the ferocious looking man standing right in front of him, followed by two similar companions. There was a gun hanging on his shoulder with a broad strap having a trail of cartages.

Momentarily forgetting himself, mesmerized by the spectacle, Ram became speechless and involuntarily he extended his hand holding the currency, taking it to be a case of burglary. Then an unbelievable soft voice reached his years, "Hello uncle, how are you?" Ram was amazed and thought there is some hidden trick in this method of looting. In a trembling tone which staggered to frame the words, I am fine; what can I do for you, child?"

The stranger moved two steps forward, touched Ram's feet to seek blessings and signalled to his fellow companions to do the same. Then he asked them to leave the room and wait for him outside. Ram's heart missed a beat, face flushed, beads of perspiration reflected fear, but he had tried to maintain semblance of calmness, a necessity of the moment. The next sentence came like a soothing balm, "Uncle I am Titu, your neighbor's son at Larkana. I Know you won't be able to recognize me, I was only 10 years when you people migrated. I used to come and play in your courtyard with your children. At times my elder sister and brother used to accompany me too".

Ram's mind raced to the past and his friend's image surfaced in his brain and memories flowed clear like sea water. "Yes, we were good friends, but the panic of partition made everyone self centred and oblivious of the surroundings also," was Rams cool reply

Anger and disgust reflected in his words, "It was good that you people left soon. My dad's decision to migrate was a little late. How I wish we had also moved out earlier.

Then his throat got choked and in a gloomy voice he said, "It was the ill-fated Sunday, 25th of March 1947, 7 pm, when there was a loud thumping knock on our main door. We were all sitting on the floor of the kitchen, waiting for dinner to be served by mum and my elder sister. Suddenly, 4 men carrying weapons in their hands broke open the fragile wooden door and entered, spitting abusive words.They were carrying iron rods and cycle chains wrapped on their wrists. I and my elder brother, out of fear, went and hid behind the kitchen cabinet. They dashed at my dad, dragged him into the center and started beating him with their feet, iron rods and whipped him with the chains. "You want to stay back, now we will take care of your family."One of them growled and kept beating him.

He bled from the whole body and within minutes lay listless in a pool of blood. It was then that my mum shouted for help. Her frantic screaming voice must have reached outside. "Oh, God, someone help us;" One of them shut her mouth with his strong fist and yelled, "Come, she wants our help." They just grabbed her hair and gave a wrestler's stroke to push her flat on the ground. One of them held her hands and feet tight with a painful force.

My sister, who had a plate in her hand, to be served to us, got so stupefied at this scene that there was a spontaneous scream from her. Two of those butchers pounced like wolves on her and the other two on my mom. They stripped them off their clothes and pushed them on the ground. Both the women were wrestling with those hefty men to save their honor. Like a little cub, sighting a tiger, out of fear, I held my brother's hand tight, but his young blood which was mature by 3 years than mine, boiled at this site and he ran out from the hiding place yelling, "You bastards, how dare you touch them." Then he leaped like a hungry leopard on them; but the four of them, so hefty and strong, were sufficient to deal with him in a couple of strokes. They piled him on top of my unconscious father, tied them to a wooden cot, took a burning stick from the fire place and set them on fire. They both struggled to let themselves free, showing signs of life in them. How I wish they had killed me too, for what I saw after that, would not have been my share of punishment.

Those bastards dragged both the women to the center of the room, and raped them turn by turn like street dogs. They laughed like insane people of a comedy show. One of them took out a dagger and gave it to his friend, shamelessly saying, "The last scene is yet pending. Cut off their breasts. We will take them as souvenirs, and show to those who resist us." Then they had chopped off their breasts, laughed and said, "Put this in that bag and take it."

It was an extremely obnoxious scene, and not being able to bear the sight of blood, I had fainted at that moment. They were not aware of my presence in that corner. How earnestly I wish I was also a victim of their treachery.

Uncle, what I witnessed at the age of 10 years, will not fade away from my memory even after 100 years. Had it not been for the cindering beam which fell on my foot, I would have been burnt alive too, without their knowledge. I was startled, seeing my whole house ablaze. Somehow I managed to escape and hide in the stable where I used to go daily to feed my cow. She probably sensed that I have been orphaned, and licked my wounds to clean them, like it does for the little calf.

There was a silent pause; suddenly with flushing fiery red eyes he continued expelling venom from his mouth. It was the vengeance which became my strength and has kept me alive. All these scars on my body are cherished by me as they keep reminding me of the bitter incidence, prompting me to take revenge from those scoundrels. I have joined a group of activists and we are waiting for an appropriate opportunity. My friends there have spied on all the four dogs.

While narrating the pathetic episode, he frantically paced the room, his rage threatening to burst out of him like a volcanic blast. After spilling all the lava out he just sank into the chair which had been offered to him. Ram kept a soothing hand on his broad shoulder, offering him a glass of cold water and said, "look, Titu my son, gone is gone. It's very unfortunate that you have been an eye witness to this ruthless scene at a very tender age, but there were many others who underwent similar disasters during that era". Now let's go home, meet your aunty and have dinner with your old friends.

When Ram brought them home, I still remember how amazed I was at their ferocious looks. After Ram told me their pathetic past, my heart really wept for him but all our consolations and comforting words went waste. He showed a surge of frustration but there was no way to fight the edict, so he shifted gears into the good bye mode and left. His last words resonated in our ears, "Uncle, vengeance is the purpose of my life. After that I may not be alive." After that day we never ever heard of him or saw him again.

That was a sleepless night for me and Ram. We were learning so much about life from experiences of others. Some who rose from earth to the skies, and others who had fallen plummeting back to earth from their heavenly perch. Here was this boy who had witnessed the most vulgar and gloomy face of life. Now we realized that a smooth sailing life of honor and dignity was far better than a rich, torn, life in bits and tatters. Had we clung to our wealth and stayed back, God only knows what our fate would have been. So all regrets vanished into the thin air and a sense of satisfaction percolated within me.

Nandu was the father of two children but without a stable income. It was at this time that he revealed to me that his wife had conceived again. In those days family planning was a taboo. Every pregnancy was considered to be gift from God .I thought of getting this pregnancy terminated, so I asked them to try some medicines for abortion, to which my daughter in law willingly agreed. The medicines were consumed, but without any effect. All the abortion inducing medicines failed and we became apprehensive that the child may be born with some congenital deformity. We did not reveal this to Ram at all, due to fear. Our fears were allayed when she delivered a healthy male child who was named as Rohit. He was a very attractive child. He had fair color and features of his elder brother. Every one rejoiced at this addition to the family but we were ignorant of about his future. Rohit started growing up. He was very playful and affable but we noticed that his gait was becoming awkward as he grew. He started walking but used to tumble. We did not pay much attention initially but I was disturbed. Soon we noticed that his calf muscles were developing fast. We thought that probably he is a chubby, healthy child, but after a few months we noticed that Rohit was having difficulty in getting up from the ground .He was sort of climbing up on his knees.

Nandu and I took him to a neurologist in Ahmedabad. A few tests were carried out, when the reports were seen , the doctor told us that Rohit was suffering from a dreadful muscle disease known as 'Pseudo hypertrophy muscular dystrophy.' This was a crippling disease with no cure available anywhere. We broke the news on his return; everyone was shocked, I felt guilty, and in heart of my hearts I was accusing myself of having tried the

Abortion inducing medicines during early conception. I was ignorant of the fact that this is a genetic disorder and these medicines had no role in it. To think of having a crippled child in family was dreadful. As Rohit grew, with him grew his disability. He had difficulty in walking. We took him to different doctors but the answer was the same. I took him to holy men, sought their blessings, but no change was seen. Rohit was mentally alert and was brilliant in school but as he grew his mental faculties started slowing down. It became difficult to send him to school. As it was difficult to make him climb up on Rickshaw which was the only mode of transport available. "Mama why can't I run fast and play like all my friends?" used to be his regular question. We had no answer for him but to console him saying, "Darling, you are a healthy fat boy, so you can't run fast," which I knew was not true.

Gradually he was becoming a liability for the entire family. We used to take turns to complete his routine daily chores. All loved him a lot and did anything and everything to please him. Finally a day came when he could not lift himself and walk and a wheel chair was purchased for him. Everyone was sympathetic to him, even his class teachers, but everyone was helpless. Ram had also become very attached to him and used to pass his leisure time playing with him or narrating some tales of his past life. I used to quietly watch the happy and proud expression on his face. It was very evident that his past luxurious life is still fresh in his memory, but he never showed it to anyone. Destiny had delivered a cruel blow and peace of the house had been disturbed; we were mentally preparing ourselves for the worse which was yet to come.

Rohit gradually became bed ridden, his condition was pathetic .Every activity was confined to the bed. We all took turns to give him a bath, take care of work like feeding and other small jobs. Life is a mystery it unfolds itself in bits and pieces. My mind was searching for an answer, why did this type of a child take birth in my family. He could have taken birth as another normal child. Was he born to us to take service from us for some deeds we had committed in our previous birth, or was it something for his future. Rohit one day developed high fever with cough. The doctor was called, he diagnosed it as pneumonia. He prescribed some medicines but there was no response .Rohit was hospitalized but he succumbed to the ailment and passed away at the age of 7 years. We all wept and missed him a lot, but the only consolation was, had he lived longer he would have suffered more and with his sufferings the whole family would have suffered, both physically and mentally. We would not have been able to see him in agony. He just came to us to take what we owed. I was confused, "was he born to fulfil or pay for the deeds of yesterday? Do the dead actually return?"

Well, it reminded me of a fable in the Mahabharata, the Indian epic. Amba is reborn as Shikhandi to avenge her humiliation by Bhishma and paves the way for his death. It was Amba's curse of her previous birth, saying that she would come again and be responsible for his death. Then Lord Vishnu incarnated nine times in different forms to fulfill different roles and we are still waiting for his tenth incarnation—Kalki.

Time is a great healer, as the time passed the life apparently returned to normal. After the death of Rohit a vacuum was created, and on special dates, special occasions, we used to miss him terribly.

My youngest son Manik and youngest daughter Reena were good at studies and wanted to become doctors. Ram had a great liking for our youngest daughter, Reena and he used to inspire her to study well and achieve something great in life. She also responded to his teachings .Convent education was considered to be very costly but he wanted her to be convent educated .This move was opposed by me and her uncle but Ram was adamant and he got her admitted and got her free ship too. Reena responded by doing brilliantly in the convent and soon became the favourite of her teachers.

Now, on my death bed, I could feel my head swirling and my body getting numb, but I knew I had yet a long way to go. Recapitulating the past was probably taking me away from the present and reducing the agony of my pain, so I tried to cling to the string of my thoughts and cover another mile stone.

I vividly remember Ram, by now, was having a steady business. He used to wear spotless white clothes; his only weakness was alcohol which he used to enjoy occasionally in limited quantity. He was a spend thrift and used to bring the best for all of us, was very honest at work, very laborious and always went for overtime to make both ends meet. I sometime used to warn him of the consequences but he used to smile and chide me. Many a times I had alerted him of his deteriorating health. He always took it lightly.

Right from the time of my marriage, because of my parental influence, I always had an upper hand in decision making and did not know that these will have negative results. He used to give in to my tantrums probably to keep peace and harmony in the family. My head used to swell with pride on these small victories in family disputes. I think he used to let go, not because he was weak but just to maintain a peaceful atmosphere at home.

Probably the only time when all my resistance and objections failed was when both my younger children started medical studies. Very strongly I had opposed to the decision of Reena going for medical school; but Ram was determined to send Reena for higher education. "What is the use of a girl going for higher studies? Get her married off and finish your responsibilities." In my opinion a son should be well educated as he is the fixed deposit for the family, and would take care of his parents in old age. A daughter will get married and be of no help to her parents. I had to give up because Reena was determined to go to become a doctor. Ram had said one day, "You know the wealth of education which I want to give her can never be stolen or destroyed by natural calamities It will always remain with her at every step of life."

Before sending her to the hostel I had her promise me, "You will not compromise with family traditions or do anything to put our orthodox family to shame. You know how much value your dad has for his respect and dignity in the society." I further added, "We are finding it difficult to make both ends meet, but still education of the children is kept as the top priority. Families of your brothers are multiplying which is an added burden to meagre resources. Children of your eldest sister, Kala, also are being financed for education by your father; this is putting a lot of stress and strain on him and his health. I hope you can imagine a man of his status and position who left everything behind, had to struggle for a decent living all these years, but he has always kept himself strong, and accepted everything as the will of God and his destiny. Goddess destiny had nearly forgotten to smile on us to shower back his lost luck. He is gradually losing his health, and has remained negligent to it. He is one of those persons who spreads happiness to others, and keep all the tensions to himself with a smile on his face. So I beg of you not to break his heart by even a single step in the wrong direction."

Now when I am on my death bed I can analyze it as my mistake but at that time my one track mind was obstinate. My decision used to come as a verdict of the court, it had to be executed, and if not followed, my tantrums would arise. Now when I am counting my last breaths, it is Reena and her doctor husband who have always been with me during times of need. That girl for whose higher education I was so reluctant has always been with me. My son, who was my bank deposit had gone thousands of miles away from me to a distant country. His financial help came time and again, but his medical knowledge was for people of the western world.

My mind again wandered into the past, when Manik had completed his medical studies. We all rejoiced when Manik received his medical degree. He had a desire to go abroad; my husband who had a broader outlook to life, agreed, but I was reluctant and insisted that he should marry and then go as he may bring some foreigner wife, when he returned to India. A good medico match was found and he got married. We all enjoyed the wedding. It was a very simple affair and then they left for London. Doctors over there were in great demand and were highly paid, and any amount sent from there could aid our finance. The fear in every one's mind about their return was strong, "Of what use will he be to us from so far. If we fall ill or die, he will not even be there for our cremation," I had said when they planned to leave. This intuition was strong and proved correct. Is this not destiny? You spend all your savings on the medical education of a son, thinking that in time of need you can depend on him, but he is at the other end of the world struggling in a new atmosphere to shoulder his own responsibilities and you can't even meet him. I know Manik felt this pain all his life. After that he tried to compensate for his absence by sending financial help time and again. Ram always used to say, "Do your karam (work), and leave the returns on almighty." This is the gist of Bhagwad Geeta. He always believed that destiny will give you only what it has in store for you, not a penny less or more than your share.

A year after that, Reena also completed her medical school .Hunt was on for finding a match for her. Ram, who was always under stress of taking care of his large family developed hypertension and his health was not showing any improvement. Stress and strain was taking a heavy toll. Reena got married to a medico and settled down in practice. This was an arranged marriage, though they knew each other well as classmates, but Reena kept the promise she had made to me. She left the decision on her parents, though she had a great liking for this boy."Mum he is a very decent guy, I know him for the past 5 years, but still I would like you all to meet him and his family. Only when you approve of everything, then it is a yes from my side." We found him to be a perfect match for her, so the marriage was solemnized. They both settled down in practice.

CHAPTER 4

Time was rolling by. Surat was developing into a metropolitan city. Because of the port and good harbors, many new establishments appeared; it became a textile hub and also a city of diamonds. Those who were in these businesses were flourishing. Influx from other states was also creeping in, but it was not a clean city. Luckily our house was situated in a neat and clean area. Life moved monotonously. Even the dream of returning back to our motherland was gone and forgotten. It was more the financial strain which kept us reminding of our glorious golden days of the past, it was never the urge of the home town. This was the time when I came across a perfect Guru, and diverted my path to spiritual direction which taught us to leave everything to destiny. If anything has to happen it will happen even if you try your very best to stop it from happening; destiny has its toll in some form or the other.

This is an amazing theory, leave it to destiny, and then why work at all for anything. Destiny will give you your share of grief and happiness. My children used to argue on this subject. Somehow, the peace which had vanished with our riches, for attainment of which I had been impatiently hunting, seemed to be restored in some corner of my mind. So I tried to pursue this path of spiritualism.

Once again I felt uncomfortable in my bed, a burning sensation in my bed sores; I wanted a change in my posture. All were sitting around my bed, I just motioned to my daughter showing her the desire for a change of side, two of them gently turned my side, applied some liniment on my wounds. It had a very soothing effect and once again I set out on my journey of the past.

Ram suffered from massive heart attack. This was a jolt for a family which was already reeling under financial strain. Post illness scenario was worse. Ram was not allowed on medical grounds to climb up and down a long flight of stairs. We started living in a new house purchased by Manik from U.K. It was close to Reenu's house, from where they could give frequent medical care.

Nitu, our second daughter and her husband Kamal came to see Ram after the stroke. They were doing well, and were sailing smoothly in their small family of four. Her eldest daughter Alka was married off to a very handsome engineer boy who happened to be her class mate too. Initially her parents had resisted due to an inter-caste marriage. Then they had realized that he was a perfect match for their beautiful daughter. So the marriage was solemnized and the newlyweds went and settled in U.S.A

Nitu's only son,Prince, was not only a prince in name but was a dashing handsome and smart boy. He had acquired a managing director's position in his company and was competently managing the work.

One day Nitu came and sat on the side of my bed, looking disturbed. "Mum I want to discuss something with you; off late I have observed that Prince had started praising one of his office colleges, Julie. I started suspecting that something was brewing."

"I like Julie very much. She is a nice girl her, only drawback is that she has a dark complexion and belongs to a minority community. She is presentable and she likes me too," Prince confided in me.

Mum his talks are disturbing me. When he was away on a tour, I went to his office and met Julie, I was taken aback. She was not only dark complexioned but very ordinary features, narrow slit eyes, thick lips, a blunt nose with prominent cheek bones and a broad forehead. On the whole she looked a mismatch for Prince. I wondered how on earth my son has taken a liking for this type of girl. We found out that she belonged to a village in Assam and was a convert. I remembered the saying "love is blind" appears to be true. I even found out from other employees that their relations were for quite some time and they had decided to marry.

Once again I felt a sinking feel; I could feel the drops of perspiration on my forehead, which gave me a soothing cool effect. But my heart was sinking and the body becoming listless, my tongue parched, and lips were papery dry. I just protruded my tongue to indicate the desire for water. This time they ran for some fresh juice and helped me with a few sips .I lay back again in a relaxing posture, but my mind refused to relax. So I picked up the string of my memory lane exactly where I had left the discussion with Nitu.

She continued, "Prince has been insisting that I talk to Kamal on his behalf. Mum you also know Kamal. He would never agree, and all his dreams will be shattered. His only desire was to marry his son to a beautiful girl from a high status background with a good family linage. I really feel sorry for Kamal; none of his dreams have been fulfilled in all these years. He always used to say; when Prince gets married I will spend all my savings and have a great pomp and show. He had never shown the desire of any dowry.

"Nitu, I quite agree with you, that Kamal has literally doted on his children, worked day in and day out to fulfill their demands and their comforts. What has he got in return, a hurried, simple marriage of his eldest daughter, a son's love affair with the most ordinary girl? As far as I know him he will never give his consent. But it is rightly said "What can't be cured must be endured." I tried to explain to my daughter. "Mum he has been working day in and day out without any relaxation" Nitu said. "He has stopped seeing big dreams. Prince has been relentlessly been coaxing me to break the news to Kamal. Mum I know he is a grown up boy and has the right to make crucial decisions of his own life. So one day I picked up some courage and broke this news .I just said Kamal you know Prince has found a girl for himself. He is madly in love with her and wants to marry her."

At first kamal was cool and said, "Go and meet the girl and her family; if all is well, let's go ahead with it. I am sure if he has chosen a girl for himself, she must be perfect. I know his choice."

I got scared at this remark as I knew what the reality was, so I said in a soft tone, "Kamal, I have met the girl in her office." Then gradually I conveyed all the details to him.

Kamal lost his temper and got infuriated and said "till I am alive this marriage shall not take place. I already know everything about this silly affair. It's just infatuation and I know he will come out of It. Father and son have had confrontations for quite some time."

I summoned Kamal and Nandu to my room. Where Nitu had failed, we convinced Kamal that prince will get married in the court, if they did not allow him to marry a girl of his choice. It shall be better I the family agrees to this wedlock; there was no option left but to say yes to this proposal. It came as a big shock to the entire family.

Kamal said he would not participate in any of the ceremonies, neither he nor his Nitu would sit through the rituals and he would not allow this marriage to take place in their city. It shall be held in a temple without any pomp and show. This was conveyed to Prince who agreed. The venue was shifted to Bombay. My son, Nandu, went to Bombay to organize the whole show. It pinched our hearts that their only son would get married in this way. We had also seen dreams of his grand marriage but we had to bow before destiny .Every time I kept the gun on destiny's shoulder and very smartly escaped out of the situation.

The Marriage was a dull affair. It looked as if some gloom had fallen. Kamal looked disinterested as if he was participating in some unknown person's marriage. His physical presence was there but his soul was missing. He sat at the rear most corners in the temple leaning against a wall, his head hung down. He had been persuaded by all of us to be present in the temple at the time of the ceremony. "I will not be asked to perform any of the rituals," he had categorically said.

Julie was not looking an Indian bride at all, in spite of all the heavy makeup and the attire that she wore. The ceremonies of a Hindu marriage were all unknown to her and were performed in a disinterested manner. The couple was in contrast to each other. It is said that marriages are made in heaven and solemnized on earth. We had no alternative than to accept what destiny had planned for him. What parents do is just for sheer love for their children. And unfortunately as the child gets older and older, his desires are changing. His reactions are changing. His relationship is changing. He's not a child anymore, he's a young man. And when the child becomes a young man, there's a total generation gap between the parents and the child. Both think they are right in their point of view. This reminded me of the Shakespearian dialogue. "All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players". At first the infant, mulling and pocking in the mother's arms . Then the school boy with his satchel and a schoolbag on his back. And then the lover sighing in his beloved's arms." So here was our hero sighing in his beloved's arms, traumatizing all his other relationships.

Because of persuasion by all Kamal was present in the temple. It was really pathetic sight. One who is supposed to be the most active person in all the ceremonies was there present only physically, sitting silently and morose, his head hung down only to satisfy the whims of the family members. Throughout the entire procedure, he did not even raise his eyes to take a glimpse of the newlywed couple. Finally all the brief formalities were over and all of us moved out without any dinner, went home, all gloomy and sad. So this was the marriage of our grandson, our most beloved Prince. It was all so paradoxical, name was Prince and the ceremony was that of a most ordinary couple. At this point of time we had a feeling of guilt. I knew how much Kamal had toiled to keep his children happy; he had never asked anything in return, except their love and obedience. What is wrong in parents dreaming a bright future for their children? When these dreams are also shattered, they are really hurt, and so was he. I had one consolation at least, that I convinced them to keep their family united.

Normally the mother in law welcomes the newlywed daughter in law and there are many ceremonies to be performed in which every member gives a gift to the new bride, and everyone takes active participation. None of these formalities were observed and the couple moved into a hotel room. We retired to our rooms and returned home after the marriage.

N0w lying in bed, I opened my eyes slowly to take a glimpse of my present surroundings. Everything appeared hazy and I was unable to identify faces. there was a hallow of darkness around me , faint voices uttered into my ears ,which could not be deciphered .This scenario gave me a gut feeling that I was nearing my destination, but the chain of my thoughts had not reached its destination, so it did not break. The chain was so strong that in spite Of my frail body and mind my thoughts reeled slowly and tried to catch up all the broken pieces and put them together.

Surat city was fast growing, cinema halls and eat houses were added. New educational institutions attracted students from other towns. Fashions were changing one could see girls going on scooters wearing latest attires. Values of life were changing, dating and chatting came into vogue. We felt like outdated attires. TV programs were changing their mind set up, Revolt against parents, adultery , to have multiple boyfriends was being shown on TV shows .This change was not gracefully accepted by most of the families who had more orthodox and conservative in their views but all children seemed to accept these changes happily.

After the marriage Kamal had kept himself aloof and reserved. Within a year we received the good news that Prince was blessed with twin sons, they had taken after their father. They were identical twins and were exact copy of each other. They were named Luv and Kush .Prince and his wife used to go for work and leave the new borns with Nitu. Kamal started spending time with them. He became attached to the children. He used to play with them and bring lots of toys for them. His feelings for the son and daughter in law changed and we felt happy that the sourness has vanished and he visits their house more frequently. The newborns became a strong bond between the two generations; it bridged the gap which had arisen. This news from my daughter had made me happy that peace has been restored in my daughter's house after all these years.

I used to thank the Almighty for this union and pray for the peace and harmony of their family. Gradually things returned to normal and I became more relaxed. Spiritualism had already crept into my life, now it became deep rooted and I started devoting more time to it. My family was always against this, and we argued on this subject many a times. But it had overpowered me like an addiction, and many a times I used to slip out quietly and come back sneakily without any one taking notice. Nandu's wife took good care of the house and I used to make sure that I complete all the domestic chores related to me and Ram, and not give anyone the opportunity for any arguments. In due course if time I succeeded in shutting up all arguments from all including my husband.

Then I moved a step further and turned to deep spiritualism and joined local satsang group .The word 'Satsanga' is the combination of the two words 'Sat' and 'Sanga.' 'Sat' means existence of absolute truth, which is Brahman. 'Sanga' literally means company or union. To be always in the company of the truth which is the Lord, or to be established in Brahman, is the literal meaning of the word 'Satsanga.' Satsanga is association with the wise. Live in the company of sages, saints, Sadhus, Yogis and Sannyasis; hear their valuable Upadesa or instructions and follow their simplicity. This is Satsanga. My husband was an ardent believer of truth, but never encouraged me to go for these spiritual sermons. He used to say "they never practice what they preach." Now when I am on my death bed, waiting for my Eternal journey to start, I am realizing how correct he was. These are just preaching's; in real life it is not only difficult but impossible to practice what you preach. Complete detachment of all worldly objects is next to impossible for a normal human being, and until this is attained all spiritual preaching's remain just theoretical and cannot be enforced in life. Leaving all worldly objects is not that difficult, but dethatching yourself from your near and dear ones is impossible. This was his school of thought.

It used to give me solace. After all the ups and downs of life the turbulent mind was always a triggering element of depression. This group was led by Ma Saraswati, I found a real guru in her. She was an ocean of knowledge, bliss and mercy. She showed me the right divine path. She used to say "To light a candle, you need a burning candle. Even an illumined soul alone can enlighten another soul".

She took me as her disciple and started molding me into an entirely different person. A good disciple always finds an excellent teacher. If you are prepared to be a disciple, you will get that guru. You don't have to hunt for the guru. We're not prepared to listen; we are not able to leave our ego in the real sense. There is a time when the ego has blown to such proportions that even before they have started to walk, they think they know it all, and they start running. It is then that they fall head on heels. Although I am not a very young person; I am still a student, I am learning. We should never stop learning throughout our lives. She said, it is never too late, start learning Hindi I shall help you to learn .SO I realized "where there is a will, there is a way"

When I told my children at home they started making fun of me. I burnt midnight oil, put all my efforts. I do not know whether it was a blessing of my guru that I started reading and enjoyed the simpler books. Soon I was reading bigger spiritual books. I looked for meaning of true guru and learnt

Gurur' Brahma Gurur' Vishnu Gurur' Devo Maheshwara.

Gurur' Shakshat Parahbrahmah Tasmaye Sri Guruve Namah

Gurur' Brahma :

Guru is like the creator of the universe Brahma. He is the one who creates the qualities of shishya (student) in me.

Gurur' Vishnu :

Like Lord Vishnu supports and maintains the life on the universe, the same way guru shows the path of enlightenment. Like a friend guides through the path, like a mother caresses and loves, like a father scolds and guides to achieve the goal.

Gurur' DevoMaheshwara:

Lord Shiva is the god of destruction; he destroys all the evil so that the new life can be created. In the same manner guru also destroys all my tamasic and rajasic guna to fill me with sattvic guna.

Gurur' Shakshat Parahbrahmah Tasmaye Sri Guruve Namah

Guru is true incarnation of the Parahbrahmah (one who is Omnipresent and Omnipotent); I bow to him with reverence. I pray he keeps me one with him.

The above slok aptly explains the role of guru in the life of a sadhak. Without an able Guru and an able Shishya (disciple) no dhyana(meditation) can be successful.

The relation between the Guru and Shishya is like a child and a mother. Like mother takes the tiny hands of the child and trains him to walk, and tells the child who his father is. The child alone is not so strong enough to face the father. The same way the guru takes theshishya along the right path to his Eternal Father. The shishya alone may not be able to face the celestial bliss of the lord.

When a shishya finds such a guru, he is not in control of himself. He becomes a toddler who wants to walk but cannot do so. The guru holds his hand and teaches him to walk in the right direction. I knew that in Ma Saraswati I had found true Guru. We used to celebrate Guru Purnima with great fervor.

I was literally lost in this new world of spiritualism and enjoyed a more meaningful life. For me all other worldly affairs were like a formality. There was complete peace and solace in my mind, to the extent that I even lost grip of my previous glorious years to which I was clinging and cribbing all these years.

Now when I am gasping, I am trying to weigh my losses and gains. But now it's too late and even if I were to measure exactly, what use would it be at this hour. When life has slowly slipped out like sand from a tightly closed fist. At this stage I just asked myself, "If given a chance to extend my life for a few years, would I do it or not." My heart missed a beat and jumped with joy, and I said to myself, "Yes that would be perfect, and then I would get an opportunity to serve others and spread my teacher's word to alleviate the misery of the needy. In some corner of my mind I still felt hidden love and attachment to my family and my belongings. I still wanted the company of my loved ones and my possessions. I realized that in these few years of grace, I would love to take care of my dear husband whom I had deprived of some precious moments of love and affection, to which he was entitled. But alas! He had already left me." When all these thoughts hit me I realised, "OH! This is human mentality, even in my present condition; I could feel that my spiritual knowledge was nearly a waste because at this hour I should just concentrate on the Almighty and pray to him for a peaceful end. But the ties with your family are so strong that your mind willingly or unwillingly hovers around them and finds it difficult to concentrate. As I was in this turmoil of thoughts, I saw a glimpse of my Guru who just stood in front of me saying, "this is not what I have taught you, be strong and just remember me, you will soon come out of all this turmoil." I asked for water, took a few sips and I got lost again in my journey of the past, closed my eyes and wandered in my memory lane, they took me for sleeping.

I remembered very clearly how I took keen interest in this field and; Ma Sarawati had a great liking for me. Once she was asked by her disciple to come over to Singapore to bless them on their new house warming (Grah Pravesh).Ma Sarawati asked me to accompany her. I was not holding a passport and not educated enough to go to a foreign country, but she insisted .I could not dare to say no, but was very apprehensive .I applied for a passport and with her blessings, got the passport in a short time. We left for Singapore. We were in a group of five. I had not flown before but my first journey was not very eventful. When we were served lunch, the plane started giving jerks. Literally the food in the spoon nearly fell out of it. I got scared but found Ma Sarawati very calm .She reassured me, and explained, "This type of jolty and jerky flight is due to nasty weather." Seeing her so cool, I quickly tried to compose myself too. It is rightly said that thoughts travel fastest, and instantly I had felt, what if this is some engine problem, and not just a weather alarm. Within seconds I imagined the plane crashing over the sea, and all the passengers being thrown in the depth of the ocean like the fragments of a broken glass. I could even imagine my children orphaned, and crying their hearts out, especially because they were not able to get even a last glimpse of me before I left this world. I always had a fear of water, and was imagining the worst. Suddenly Maa Sarswati shook my arm and said, "finish your lunch, we are about to descend and reach our destination." It was then only that I realized how low your thoughts can go into negativity in spite of great people are holding your hand.

Finally we reached Singapore. I was amazed. For a while I thought I was still in the world of my thoughts, and imagining myself in some fairy land. Here I was on the elevator, going to the baggage claim section, to collect my baggage. The taxi took us around the beautiful areas, and took us to our hotel, which was seventeen storied. My room was palatial, having all the comforts, most of them, I was not accustomed to. So I decided not to touch anything until I watch others use them. We had morning and evening sessions of sermons of Maa Sarswati then went out for sightseeing in the fairyland. Maa used to wake us all very early in the morning and make us all do our yogic exercises and a good morning walk. This was her teaching "keep the body and mind fit and healthy and then start your daily routine." How quickly a week slipped away I just don't remember, we saw national bird park, Bukit Timah Hill, China town and Little India. There were Indian stores selling Saris and jewelry. There were plenty of Indian restaurants. We went by boat to see Boat quay. I liked to sit on the shore and dip my feet in water. It was very soothing. It was a completely new experience, soothing to the body and mind.

Finally the day of return arrived. We were a bit reluctant to leave as if this was our permanent abode, but Ma Sarswati was as composed as ever. She could probably read our minds and said, "This is true for our lives also. We take all the worldly things to be permanent and forget our true self. We get so lost in the worldly affairs that we drift away and away from our goal which is the attainment of solace and peace." This was an indication for us to ponder over it and think about the worldly comforts and relatives which we have to leave some day. The more the attachment, the stronger the ties, the more difficult it becomes to break the strings when you depart from here.

She explained in very simple language saying, "life is exactly like a trip to Singapore, we came here, stayed in the most luxurious rooms went around the city in expensive cars and taxis. We enjoyed every bit of our journey, but when the day of our departure came, we left everything given to us for our use, and we did not even think of clinging to any person or anything, because we know it does not belong to us. Similarly God sends us to our homes as children, our parents care for us, take us around in big cars, but we develop a sense of possession and ownership, so we find it difficult to detach ourselves from our belongings and from our family. Just think that God has given us everything for use and to love all those around us. Keep yourself mentally prepared to end the journey of your life any day with empty hands, because that's how you came, empty handed."

This was such an eye opener and so much close to the reality of life. My face was probably darting a question at her, and she said, "You don't seem to be convinced with this statement." I was astonished at her face reading ability and humbly asked, "Attachment coming over the years will certainly be stronger than a temporary attachment of a few days or few weeks." She just smiled and after a short pause, and said in a soft tone, "Yes I do agree, but the word temporary should have been used with your longer relations too. One does not know the duration of any relationship, so it is just in your mind; me and mine is all that is to be left. Everyone is yours and everything is for your use, but nothing belongs to you."

From that day onwards I realized that we are all travelers on this earth, getting our own share of comforts which destiny has assigned for us. This depends on the deeds of our previous life and this life. Once you have lived your share, you have to quit leaving behind all the materialistic relations. Now I could understand why I was chosen to be one of her companions to Singapore. My guru wanted to give me a practical training on this aspect of life too, and make me stronger in my spiritual journey.

Suddenly I felt a sinking feeling, slowly opened my eyes, and tried to look around and recognize the faces around me. But I was unable to do so; some caressing hand was felt on my forehead, as if trying to convey, we are all here by your side, you are not alone. The feel was that of Nandu, my eldest son; I could recognize his soft and moist hands. Right from child hood he used to complain of excessive perspiration of hands and feet. All doctors had said it has no treatment. It was good that I was not able to recognize faces, because I did not want to entangle myself anywhere. I caught hold of the string of my thoughts, and continued my journey. I knew I had a long way to go.

The next question which I had asked Maa Sarswati was, "what are the criteria on which a certain degree of comforts and luxuries are allocated to a human being?"

I still remember the simplified explanations which she used to give. "Life is like a train journey. The ticket which you have in hand is the bank balance of your karmas of your previous life. If your record shows good deeds (satvic), you are born with a first class ticket in your hand. If deeds have been average, (Rajasvic) you hold a second class ticket in your hand. Finally a third class ticket for those who have a record of (tamsic) bad karmas, in their account. Accordingly you occupy the respective classes on the train. You sit in the train with co passengers, create friends or foes and complete the journey. When your destination comes, you just go away without any attachments. No one left behind in the train cries for you or inquires about your short journey. They all know your ticket was up to that destination. This is true for life also. The journey of life allocated to all is pre fixed. The class of life is pre fixed too. So if you ever feel destiny has given less as compared to others, we have to accept it gracefully and willingly, but at the same time do good karams in this life to assure a better class next time.

I started devoting more time to religious gatherings. I used to leave my house at 7 am and return at 10 am and in evening it was from 4 am to 6 pm probably this was my way of finding detachment, spend less time and remain detached. Ram was a doting husband, and after returning from work, he always wanted me at home, but due to my selfish motive I perused my spiritual path.

Ma Sarswasi had on ashram in Mount Abu. She asked me to come along with to her Ashram. I inquired why she had selected Mount Abu for her ashram. She explained that Mount Abu was the home of many saints and sages in the old days. Legend has it that all the 330 million gods and goddesses of the Hindu pantheon used to visit this holy mountain. It is also the place where the great saint Vashishth lived and performed a yagna (sacrificial worship on a fire pit) to create four Agnikula (four clans of fire) to protect the earth from demons. The yagna was supposed to have been performed near a natural spring, which emerged from a rock shaped like a cow's head.

According to another legend, once sage Vashishth's cow Nandini was trapped in a deep gorge and could not free herself. The sage appealed to Lord Shiva for assistance. The Lord sent Saraswati, the divine stream, to help flood the gorge so that the cow could float up. Vashishth then decided to ensure that such mishaps did not occur in future. He asked the youngest son of Himalaya, the king of mountains to fill the chasm permanently. This he did with the assistance of Arbud, the mighty snake. This spot came to be known as Mount Arbud and was later changed to its present form - Mount Abu. I recollected that I had immediately agreed as it had created a desire in me to see these beautiful mountains. We left in a car in a group of six. It was the midst of summer when we carefully steered our car upward along the winding road from Abu Road railway station to Mt Abu. The soothing view of the surrounding lush green hills and valleys barely seemed to be part of a land that also houses the Thar Desert.

We arrived in Mount Abu I was awe struck with the beauty it was invigorating my mind. A visit to Mt Abu not only invigorates the mind and body but also provides a visual treat for history lovers. A seat of architectural excellence, it flaunts several ancient and beautifully carved temples, the most exquisite ones being the world famous Dilwara Temples. These eleventh and twelfth century Jain Temples are situated at Dilwara village about two and a half kilometres from the city post office. The surrounding hills and innumerable tall trees almost shield the view of the temples till one actually reaches the entrance.

Ma Sarswati's Ashram was situated on top of a hill. It was named as Shanti Vun.It was really a place to find Peace of mind very synonymous of the name. .We used to have Bhajan session in morning .I used to like Bhandara (community meals ) where rich and poor used to sit together and have meals .There was no distinction of caste and creed .Ma Saraswati sometime made me speak before an audience .I used to feel very embarrassed as I was not a good speaker. Hardly did I realize at that point of time, that she was preparing a future disciple. Later on she declared me as the chief of my city and I was asked to conduct independent sermons .This was her special blessing on me.

We visited many Temples. There are five temples within the Dilwara Temple complex: the VimalVaseeh, the Loon Vaseeh, the Shri Rishab Deoji Temple, the Chaumukhaji Temple and the Mahavir Swami Temple. Among these, the first two temples are widely acclaimed for their ornamental marble carvings. I was amazed to see these. These temples were situated in places where natural surrounding was scenic. Nature was enhancing their beauty.

The VimalVaseeh is the oldest temple. It is dedicated to Lord Adinath, the first Jain Tirthankara. A black and supposedly self-made statue of him is enshrined within the temple. It was built in 1031 A.D by Vimal Shah, the chief minister to Gujarat's ruler, Bhim Singh. It is believed that a sum of Rs 18 crore and 53 lac was spent to erect the temple with 1500 sculptors and 1200 laborers working continuously for 14 years. The spectacular carvings inspire awe and reverence for the sculptors who surely gave nothing short of their best to create the masterpiece.

It was an unforgettable experience for me, and I'm certain for every visitor to the temple, is the sudden reaction of astonishment when one first encounters the world of exquisite art inside, as the humble exteriors of the temple give no hint of its magnificent marble interiors. It has a prayer hall adorned with 48 ornately carved pillars and 52 small shrines, each with a statue of a Jain Tirthankara. A view of the intricately carved ceiling, dome and the richly carved pendant of lotuses that seems to drop from the dome makes one wonder about the strenuous postures adopted by the sculptors while creating the artwork. The carvings of human and animal forms, floral designs and various mythological scenes are so perfect that they seem to come to life as one admires them.

Ma Sarawati in her discourse told us that in the serene atmosphere of Shanti Van we all are close to God. I felt like that.

The entrance to the temple has a beautifully carved Hastishala or elephant abode which has ten marble elephants carved to perfection and a statue of VimalShah .MaSraswati used to tell us importance of each place which we were visiting. She was a guide, friend and a philosopher .I felt she had a multifaceted personality .She was widely traveled and had read scriptures.

She took us to another important temple of Loon Vaseeh. She told that it was built in 1231 AD by the two brothers Vastupal and Tejpal, both ministers to the king of Gujarat. The temple is dedicated to Lord Neminath, the 22nd Jain Tirthankara. With impeccably carved pillars, door casings, friezes, architraves and sculptures, this temple is a perfect specimen of skill and craftsmanship.

The other three temples, though worth visiting, are not artistic masterpieces like the first two.

About a kilometre to the north of the Dilwara Temple is Trevor's Tank, built in 1894 - 95 in memory of Governor General Colonel Trevor. Originally built to supply water to Mt Abu, it serves as a popular picnic spot because of its scenic charm and there is also a game sanctuary for animals and crocodiles.

Mt Abu also has the picturesque Nakki Lake set amidst its hills. It is believed to have been dug out by the nails of the Gods, hence its name. Boating on its waters amidst the lush green hills is nothing short of a heavenly experience. Several natural rock formations like the Toad Rock and Nun Rock overlooking the lake add to the charm of the place.

We visited The Brahmakumaris Ashram which was a relatively recent construction and is a serene, peaceful site. The Om Shanti Bhawan and its art gallery, spiritual museum and meditation hall provides for a rejuvenating experience for the spiritually inclined. It was a life time experience for me. Inside this Ashram was an experience in itself. Every inmate was clad in white sari. Those who met Ma Sarawati had great regards for her.

After spending a fortnight Ma Sarawati told us that it is time to go back .I wanted to spend some more time there but you cannot challenge a Guru's order. We stared our journey back and reachedSurat.I told my experiences to my family.

My guru gave a mantra and she announced that I shall be treated as the head in my area and assigned me some duties. I followed all her instructions with my heart and soul and one day she left for her heavenly abode, leaving us all in grief and sorrow. Saints never die they remain alive in minds of their followers. I took over the responsibility she had assigned. I knew in comparison to her I was nothing. But soon I became head of local unit in Surat. People started calling me Gurumaa.

In all these excursions with my group I became more and more negligent towards my husband. It was not fair on him. He had stopped arguing on this subject, knowing that I had reached a point if no return. In his view detachment was not staying away from a person in the real sense, but to stay together and not feel the sense of possessiveness. At times he used to argue on this subject saying, "To run away from fire and say I am remaining cool is not correct. To stay near fire and remain cool is the real gist of life. In other words let someone instigate you to get angry, and you remain cool. Don't run away from the person and say I avoided anger and remained cool."

I started preaching .I used to enjoy this elevation in my group. When I used to preach I did not know where words came from. It was as if guru was speaking through me .Once I spoke before a large gathering, words started flowing.

I said that the guru's job is to enlighten our minds and take us from the darkness of ignorance to light of knowledge. If we do not know the principles of hygiene, we will not be able to know what will contaminate us. Therefore due to ignorance there infection occurs and we suffer from disease. A criminal may say, "I did not know the law," but he will not be excused if he commits a crime. Ignorance is no excuse. Similarly, a child, not knowing that fire will burn him touches the fire. But the fire does not think, "This is a child, and he does not know he will get burnt." No, there is no excuse. Just as there are state laws, there are also stringent laws of nature, and these laws will act despite our ignorance of them. If we do something wrong out of ignorance, we must suffer. This is the law. Whether the law is a state law or a law of nature, we risk suffering if we break the law.

The guru's business is to see that no human being suffers in this materialistic world. No one can claim that he is not suffering. That is not possible. In this materialistic world, there are three kinds of suffering: adyatmik ,adhibhautik, and adhidaivik. These are miseries arising from the material body and mind, from other living entities, and from the forces of nature. The miseries come from within the material world, and everyone is suffering from one, two, or three of them. No one can say that he is completely free from suffering.

We may then ask why the living entity is suffering. The answer is: out of ignorance. He does not think, "I am committing mistakes and leading a sinful life; that is why I am suffering." Therefore the guru's first business is to rescue his disciple from this ignorance. We send our children to school to save them from suffering. If our children do not receive education, we fear that they will suffer in the future. The guru also knows that suffering is due to ignorance, which is compared to darkness. The guru takes the torchlight of knowledge and presents it before the living entity enveloped in darkness. That knowledge relieves him from the sufferings of the darkness, of ignorance. This sermon was appreciated by all .It was covered by press. My popularity rose manifold. I do not know whether God or my guru spoke through me.

To my memory these were our only tension free days, when there was happiness all around. One could never dream that this era will be so short lived. I used to think dame destiny has finally given us a glimpse of happiness .Hardly did I know that fate was weaving a cobweb for me, which will shatter my family. I had found my happiness within me and hardly did I know that destiny had written another cruel script for me.
Chapter 5

I had just finished my morning session of the sermon, when I received a call from Nitu. "Mum have you seen the mail today." I asked her what was so special about it, but she insisted that I open the mail box and then she would contact me again. I found an envelope containing 2 air tickets from Surat to Goa for the coming Sunday. When she called me again she said, "Mum, you are so busy in your routine, that you have even forgotten Kamal's 50th birthday. "Then she continued in an ordering tone, "both of you are reaching Goa on Sunday and we will come from here, it's going to be a surprise for Kamal. So please don't tell him anything about your trip till we meet there. Prince has arranged a wonderful beach party on this occasion." I hesitated, "Baby you know your dad is not keeping good health, so I don't think we will be able to make it."

Nitu insistently said, "Mum after a long time there is going to be a family get together. Now that Kamal has forgotten all the bitterness, and is very attached to the kids, Prince has decided to give him a surprise on this occasion. Kamal is at Bangalore with the children and will come from there. He will be so happy to see you there. You have to come. That was her order.

Seeing my excitement Ram said, "Only 2 days left, to do all the packing. Prince must have arranged a lot of outings in Goa. I will not be able to go, due to some important factory deal, so you go with Nandu."

"No, Nandu will stay back with you; else you will burden yourself with extra work. We were going to meet their whole family after a long time. Kamal had taken leave from office to be with the children.

My flight reached Goa well in time.Nitu was already at the baggage claim section waiting for me. We collected our baggage and waited in the lounge. Time seemed to drag and we waited anxiously for their arrival. Then came the alarming announcement, "your attention please AI flight 1127 has been indefinitely delayed, we have lost contact with the pilot, we shall keep you informed, please bear with us."

My heart missed a beat and I became cold and clammy. Nitu caught hold of my hand saying, "Mum, relax, it's just bad weather." I was having butterflies in my stomach, my thoughts travelling fast and bizarre. I tried to occupy my mind and I could see Nitu tense too but showing semblance of calmness. Suddenly there flashed the breaking news, tearing our ear drums. It said, "The confirmed news is that the ill fated flight AI 1127 destined from Bangalore to Goa which had lost contact with the central radar system, has crashed in the hilly area of Goa. The rescue team has already left to locate the exact site of accident." I sank into my chair, my head started swirling, and probably I fainted.

When I regained consciousness, I was descending down a small aircraft, which the airport authorities had arranged to air lift the relatives to the site of the accident, and identify their near and dear ones. Nitu could not leave me behind alone in this condition, so she dragged me along. It was nearly 18 hours since the crash had occurred. There were 8 persons of the rescue the rescue team and10 relatives on the aircraft. Nitu hesitated to take me to the site, but I insisted to go with her for some moral support at least.

We could see even from that distance that the ill fated aircraft had broken into two pieces, the tail end lying in the bushes with the two wings lying close by. The anterior part was lying in bits and pieces, still smoldering. A few parts were still in flames. Some incinerated pieces were lying far away. The whole atmosphere smelt of combustion fumes, mingled with vapor's of human flesh burning. Some moans were audible suggestive of life under the debris. We ran to that area expecting some survivors in that wreckage. Nitu heard a familiar moaning cry of a child and below the left wing laid her grandson, with both the legs under a heavy broken seat. Next to him lay his brother in an unconscious state. Both kids were rescued and shifted on a stretcher to the emergency tent set up for urgent first aid.

The other members too should be somewhere nearby, so the hunt continued. Then she spied a lady lying on her face in a semiconscious state, on turning her around we discovered Bharti, with injuries on eyes and face, all smudged with blood and mud. My hopes rose very high, God has been merciful; we have found three of them, two more to discover. I kept a hand on Nitu's shoulder which meant to transfer courage to her. The other two also should be in the same wreckage. So we desperately peeped around, even shouting out their names and waiting for a response. Then I came across two men sitting on the adjacent seats with seat belts tied on their waist. Both had their heads dangling down as if in deep slumber. My index finger pointed in that direction and Neetu rushed to the seats in the opposite side of the isle. She did not require lifting their heads for recognition. I immediately ran towards them and called for help. Prince was all soaked in blood. His nose and mouth still showed traces of the site of bleeding. Kamal was calm, as usual, with a very peaceful expression on his face; no marks of injury. Their hands were tightly clasped, as if giving physical and moral support to one another. Both were immediately shifted to the tent where the doctors did a thorough examination and declared Prince as dead. Kamal was unconscious because of head injury.

Kamal gained consciousness for a while and was mumbling for help to take out Prince. Someone please save my son. Hardly did he know that he has lost him. Those, who came for his check up had heard him say repeatedly, "Save my son."

We were watching the doctors from outside the tent and waiting for the transfer to the air force hospital. In the meantime I could see the doctors giving cardiac massage to Kamal ,but due to limited facilities they became helpless and finally I saw them cover his body with a white sheet, declaring him dead. This was the biggest blow which destiny gave to my daughter, taking away her only son and husband together. So, was this the celebration planned on his 50th birthday? It had landed in a funeral preparation.

I vividly remembered the day, when father and son dad returned after a thorough medical check up from Renu's clinic, Kamal telling his son, "Promise me that you will not touch alcohol now; the doctor says your liver has been damaged and any sudden trauma may cause internal bleeding. This explained the entire scene, the sudden thud and jerk of the aircraft causing hemorrhage from the liver.

When Bharti gained consciousness, she narrated the whole sequence of events. "We were on our way to Goa. Daddy and Prince were sitting together, I with the boys were on the opposite side of the isle. We were only 15 minutes from landing, then without any warning, the pilot pulled the nose of the aircraft up into the air. The cabin started shaking violently, the turbulence was unbelievable, and panic spread all around. Then there was an incredibly loud booming sound from the front of the plane followed by a strong vibration. I held the children's hands tight and just prayed. Then a sudden thud with an intense force made me disoriented and I just closed my eyes. The hard bang had broken the plane into pieces. I saw large flames arising from the front part which had been blown away from the tail end. We had all been scattered away, no trace of any one was there. Then suddenly a large cabin tilted on my head, fell on my face, pushing me down beneath it. It was then that I probably lost consciousness. She was sobbing all through and wheeling with pain. Her face was swollen and blood oozed from her wounds. Her left eye was more or less shut with the edema and a linear cut across the lid. The left angle of her lips bore a deep cut with bluish patches of blood collection due to blunt injury on her face. She had great difficulty in framing her words during narration of the disastrous scene.

Later on when we saw the footage of the crash and the discovery of the black box, it was discovered that about 10 minutes before the crash the pilot had accidently entered the wrong code into the plane computer, without realizing that they were entering into the hilly area near Goa. When the ground proximity warning system started beeping, he pulled the nose of the aircraft acutely up into the air, but it was too late and the front struck against the mountain, setting ablaze the front part. The lucky survivors in the hind part were because of the crack in the craft tearing the tail part away and saving it from the main blast.

This tragedy had simultaneously snatched away her beloved husband and her only son in one stroke of ill fate. I just could not weigh whose loss was more. She was hit with 2 major losses. Then there was Bharti, hit with one major loss at a very young age with a full life ahead of her. Question of measurement was not there,it was a total loss for the family.

All were grief-stricken. For a few hours Nitu became mum; not a single tear came in her stony eyes. May be she was expecting that fate could not be so cruel to her. Probably the remote hope of their survival was still lingering in her subconscious mind. "We had hardly had any happiness, how could we lose it so soon, mum," she murmured.

I knew this can happen to anyone. Destiny can strike suddenly; changing your life forever .God has plans for everyone. His wisdom and kindness is beyond our minds reach, we can only try and understand it, if we surrender totally to God. She was no exception to this universal law. When there is a birth there has to be death too, but the human mind does not want to accept this truth. It was all so sudden and so shocking that all my knowledge seemed to fail. I had tried my best to compose myself trying to deal with the crisis, because if I lose my cool, her entire family will be devastated. One thing I realized for sure, that all the sermons are for others. Once the tragedy is in your own family, all spiritual knowledge seems to evaporate. But inspite of all this I tried my best to expose the semblance of calmness.

All the relatives had been informed of the tragedy and reached there for the cremation.

Whole family was shocked. Nitu was shattered by this blow. My daughter Renu and her husband also reached there. Bharti and the children were hospitalized. We found that children had sustained few injuries and multiple fractures and were safe. Bharti had multiple bruises and injuries on the face and eyes. Her vision was apparently normal. They were attended to.

This was not the end of our miseries. The bodies of our near and dear ones were not given to us for full 36 hours, because the airport formalities were not completed soon. These are the incidents which reveal foul and stinking systems of government authorities who are in no way concerned with the emotions and miseries of a common man. Our two precious members of the family for whom we used to care so much were lying on the floor wrapped in their hospital linen, waiting in the queue of identification and claiming procedures, which unfortunately was too long that day.

Preparation for the cremation was planned for the evening, as soon as the bodies after the formalities were handed over to us. Alka and her husband arrived just in time for the cremation. Gloomy atmosphere prevailed all over. This was the moment of my test. All my spirituality seemed to wash away. Nitu just sat on the ground in between her two beloved ones. Shocked and numb, not being able to pick courage to unveil their faces for the last glimpse. Suddenly a gush of wind blew and uncovered both of them together. She just hugged Kamal and said, "Happy birthday darling, you did not even wait to accept my greetings on your 50th birthday. Where was the hurry? Were you still annoyed with me for not listening to your advice? Forgive me for everything, just come back and I promise you I will always obey you."

Then she suddenly realized that her beloved only son had also left without even taking her blessings. She just touched him on his abdomen and cried out, "I know how painful it must have been for you, your liver was weak and fragile and the sudden shock must have been very agonizing; how I wish you had not organized this celebration, and stayed at home. Now what will I do without both of you?"

At that moment, ambulance stopped with a creaking sound of the sudden brakes. Bharti and Luv Kush were brought from the hospital to attend the last rites of their dear father and grandfather. The children were plastered on both the legs and were carried to the spot. Bharti had probably not come out of the anaesthetic effect which was given prior to minor surgery. She was a little calm, sedated and staggering. Her eyes brimmed with tears; she just mumbled and said in an incoherent tone. "Everything is finished. You had promised me company for whole life; why did you break that promise. How will Luv Kush grow up without you? My relations with dad had just taken a turn to normalcy, he's gone too."

All who were present there, including me, could not control their tears. It was during that moment that I visualized my Guruji and was reminded of her words on Geeta. " Learned people do not lament for living or the dead. Atman or soul never dies, it still goes on living even as the body has passed away .Just as every human being journeys from birth to childhood, to youth, to old age and then passes away to attain another body, so is the souls transmigration into another body. The soul is immortal and never dies. Just as I am living in your minds, so shall they stay with you forever? I picked up a lot of strength from this. Yet the human mind does not easily accept this truth. It is easily said than done. Here I am looking at my daughter, whose life is finished, nearly half dead, herself too. How can I dare to preach her and tell her the gist of Geeta? When a loved one dies our minds become numb, we want to cling on, we refuse to let go, because of worldly attachments and relationships. I sensed with deep emotion an age old truth that a human enters this world crying, and on leaving the human body, leaves behind so many in tears. The only way to remember your beloved ones is to make their loss your strength, which transforms into the power that makes you strive. So I had to be brave and bear the shock strongly, and act as a buffer for my daughter.

I had learnt in my spiritual journey that no one can ward off destiny. We have to accept whatever God has decided for us. Death is an unwelcome visitor, and often comes summoned, unannounced and sudden. What could be more sudden? This was the worst blow a lady could stand, loosing husband and the only grown up son.I knew she will have to survive and take care of whatever is left .My religious group stood beside, giving the strength to bear this shock.

My guru had told me once you're taking a glass of milk to somebody in a tray. All of a sudden, you trip and fall. The glass is broken, and the milk spills everywhere. We've heard the saying: Do not cry over spilt milk. There's so much truth in that! She had said, "This is true for real life too." She had probably foreseen the future and said "death of a loved one can throw you into depression and can wreck you emotionally, physically and mentally; but always remember there is not a single person out here who has not suffered this pain."

I now realized the theory of karma. There must be some "give and take" calculations of our previous births. Since the soul is primeval, eternal. The soul is never born and does not die at any time. It is birth less, constant, eternal and ancient. Just as a person gives up worn clothes and puts on other new ones, so does the embodied self-give up body and enter into a new one. So you should not grieve. My guruji had lit the torch of knowledge within me .She had made me strong. So I tried to normalize her life, and move forwards with whatever was left. Prince's office staff helped us a lot .They were all there .His boss said that he is like a son to me and showed real sympathy at every step. He even assured me and Bharti that he would take care of all the formalities of gratuity, Insurance, pensions and funds etc as soon as possible, so that the family does not face any problem.

I clearly remember there was a congregation in the temple on the fourth day after the cremation. This was a ritual to offer final prayers to the Almighty for the peace of the departed souls. The priest had just finished his sermon, when I felt a dizzy feeling as if the earth beneath me is shaking. I glanced to my right where Nitu sat with folded hands and eyes closed I took it for the exhaustion and tension of the past three days

Then I heard a rumble in the distance. I looked around and paused. May be a thunderstorm approaching. The rumble grew louder, intensified and I felt the earth shudder beneath the white sheets over the thick carpets. The floral arrangements at the far end, swayed like a drunkard and toppled, clattering to the marble floor.

Involuntarily my hand flew to my throat, no, it can't be; not now. It was then that Neetu turned to me wide eyed, and both of us mouthed the same word, earthquake! The next moment ground shifted with such force that I nearly toppled on my back just saving my head from banging.

I became aware of people around me shouting and screaming. The rumbling sound was deafening, like a train pounding through my brain, or an aircraft taking off right over my head .I crawled immediately to one of the corner pillars of the temple hall. To my surprise the entire hall was vacated and all were clustering along the walls and corners. Seconds passed and the unreal undulation grew in intensity. Suddenly the earth gave a sudden ugly lurch.The masonry violet plaster of the roof grounded and stained glass windows burst out from the frames with the sound of a shot gun blast. Shreds of multi colored glass sprayed the congregation like deadly confetti.

I had crouched in the corner, cramming my body into the smallest possible ball. The screaming grew in intensity, and the image of Nitu grew in my eyes. Oh God! Where could she be? I just hoped for her safety. Her image waned in the next shock of waves as all at once the hall was rocked by one apocalyptic spasmof noise and motion. There mingled a sickly sweet smell of incensearising from the mixed fumes of oil and wax intermingled with acrid dust.

All one could do was clinging to the ground. My head was banging repeatedly against the walland creating a rumbling pain.

Then as quickly as it had started, the shaking stopped. For a moment all were immobilized, probably too dazed to do anything but remain crouched. Within seconds I saw people clambering to their feet. Slowly I began to believe that for the moment at least, the earth had grudgingly settled back into place. Despite the pounding headache, I rose to my feet.

Sunlight slanted through the gaping holes of the window frames and the broken pieces of collared glass made kaleidoscopic glittering designs on the marble floor. All were desperately looking for their companions and showing urgency to leave. Fortunately I discovered Nitu and the whole family intact near the adjoining walls.

I thought that this was the repercussion of our tragedy, where not only the humans were shaken but even the earth had shuddered at the loss of our two dear ones.

Life after mourning started limping back to a different set up. I moved closer to my daughter. Bharti went to Bangalore, got her sons admitted to a convent school on humanitarian grounds their fees were waved off. Ex gratia payment from Prince's employers came in name of Bharti. She also received payments of LIC policy. She found employment in a primary school.

I stayed with Nitu for a fortnight until she appeared a little stabilised. The sudden news of Ram's heart attack made me rush back. This was his second attack, and I am sure the news of this tragedy must have had its impact too.We had somehow prevented him from attending the entire rituals because of his weak heart. The tragedy, then my absence, and the news of the earth quake must have triggered his anxiety and tension. The only consolation for me was that Renu and her husband who was a cardiologist were there to attend to him. Seeing a neighbor, to receive me at the airport, I sensed the gravity of the problem. I felt relieved that Nandu had stayed back for his help. "Everything is going to be fine; we are going straight to the hospital." Was his cool reply, when I asked about Ram.

I went to the hospital directly. Renu met me at the door of his room, "Mum it was a severe attack of myocardial infarction." I darted back, "what do mean by was; let me go in."

I rushed into the room straight to his bed, nearly toppling over one of the doctors. He just pushed me back with his hand, "Stay away, he is collapsing."

"Let me meet him, he'll be fine."With these words I just arched my body and bent over his face, "I am back; you'll be just fine." His breathing was very strenuous, face absolutely blenched; lips were blue and heavy beads of perspiration on his face. His clothes, and even the bed sheet, were all wet with sweat. He opened his eyes a little, gave a slight smile as if to say you are too late. It was a mixture of pity and solace associated with a bit of sarcasm. Telling me why did you leave me so long. I was on the left side of his bed sitting on a chair .The team of doctors working from the right side of his bed were struggling to revive him. I caught hold of his left hand and pressed it a little conveying my sorrowful and compassionate gesture. Then his head turned in my direction and fell listless.

The doctor just pushed me aside and started giving external cardiac massage. But I knew it was no use. He was just waiting for me to meet him. His last look at me had conveyed the good bye message mutely. I viewed a picture of peace and solace in his face. The peace for which I had been hunting from pillar to post, travelling all around, was inborn in him and it showed clearly on his face. He had grabbed life as destiny had thrown it towards him. This was his true gist of life for him.

His hand had taken a tight grip of mine ,exactly the way our hands were clasped at the time of our wedding .Then it was our right hand and now it was the left hand, to be left for ever. I sat there like a statue, expressionless, stony still. Not so soon, was my first thought. I had not fully mourned for my daughter's tragedy, and here was my loving husband gone.All my spiritual knowledge seemed to have vanished. What I could not explain to my daughter, I could not digest myself. But what had happened was a fact,a reality, a universal law. He was gone forever.

At times I felt guilty that I had been so much lost in my own spiritual journey, so selfish so self centered, that I neglected him and could not perform the duties of a good wife. Now it was too late even to think of such repentance. I had gone far ahead towards my destination of obtaining solace and peace. He had been a doting and a loving husband. There was not a single thing which he had not done for me, and what had I given him in return.

After a fort night of mourning, I resumed my routine of the duties assigned to me by my guru. Started spending less and less time at home. My sermons and preaching's were appreciated by all .The inner strength used to reflect from my talk. It reflected the strength within me. But loneliness always renewed my memories of the past and I used to shed hidden tears lest someone saw them and took me as a weak ignorant person. So I kept on exposing my external strength. My heart and my mind used to miss my dear ones and I used to cry as much as I could to drown all the memories.

Now on my death bed, I felt my head reeling with dizziness. All that I felt was a sinking heart and darkness all over. I slowly opened my eyes and took a glimpse around me. Surprisingly all were awake, sitting around me, a few sips of water moistened my lips and my thoughts too, so I moved forwards to complete my journey of the past, which had been so eventful, and never seemed to end.

I was busy with my pursuits. My preaching became very popular, I sometime s wondered how a person can preach when one has been a failure in personal life. Then the thought used to come that in spite of my tumultuous life God has chosen me to lessen miseries of those who come to us, to show them the path of truth and how to survive misfortunes .There used to be old ladies, neglected by their children. Young widows, women deserted by their husbands. They used to attend these Satsangs and later interact with each other. This was a way to lighten their miseries. I could calculate one thing, that those who divert their lives to the spiritual path, have gone through some shock or the other which has forced them to seek peace of mind in this direction. Whatever was the reason, they were at least peaceful now.

I felt a sense of exhaustion, and wanted my side to be turned. My back was completely numb and the bed sore was hurting. I just made a sign and expressed my desire; a very gentle hand came and slowly turned me to one side. It softly caressed my wound and probably applied some cream on it which was very soothing. The touch was that of Renu. I felt better and quickly resumed my chain of thoughts.

By now I had learnt one lesson. Yesterday is gone and forgotten; tomorrow is unknown and fully governed by destiny, so live for today and make the best use of it. Do your karma sincerely and honestly.

My health started deteriorating due to tensions.I felt as if I have been deserted by all. They all left me one by one, but this became my strength and my progress in spiritualism.

I was suffering from hyperacidity which doctors said was due to anxiety. Renu and her husband did a thorough check up. The investigations did not reveal any abnormality. Every one correlated the symptoms to the tensions of my life, and kept me on symptomatic treatment.

My preaching used to serve as a balm for suffering ladies who used to come to find solace. Old ladies and even men, who were retired used to come to make use of time.

After Ram left there was a vacuum in my life and I did not want to devote much time to my family, so I became more busy in my spiritual pursuits .This had given me inner strength and had buffered the losses which I had sustained.

I started having dyspeptic symptoms such as fullness and slight pain in abdomen. Local doctors diagnosed it as hyper acidity. An ultrasound showed a suspicious shadow. MRI and some other blood tests were done immediately. I was told that everything is fine but from their worried expressions I could feel that something was terribly wrong. Then I developed jaundice, which heralded a serious ailment.

Doctors advised that a stent should be put to drain out blocked bile. It was a very painful procedure but had to be done. After few days I started feeling better and my appetite returned. They advised chemotherapy but idea was rejected by my children. They took me to a renowned homeopath who said he would cure me. In my heart of heart I knew something was seriously wrong, but it was cancer, was not conveyed to me. Probably they thought this blow would be too hard to bear, would shake me morally, so they did not disclose the diagnosis to me.

My children were all the time clinging to me. This gave me an indication that worse is yet to come. My disciples were worried about my health. My house became the center of activity. I started to preach from my home though with great effort. I used to shuttle between Surat and Ahmedabad for checkups and various investigations. Homeopathic treatment gave me a good response initially. I later on learnt that my children had refused for chemotherapy due to the side effects and the pain. They were afraid that this may worsen my condition. Picture became clear that I was suffering from dreaded cancer of the pancreas. God was testing to what extent I had learnt his spiritual teachings and what would be my tolerance quotient.

My only worry was to find a competent successor before I breathe my last breath. Then I thought this is not my worry. Guru will surely point a finger to the chosen one.

Manik in London used to collect all detailed information from Renu. He thought I would get better treatment there. So I reached there for more modernised treatment, and stay back till the wedding of his son. Manik's house was huge and all luxuries of life were there. After few days I was examined by a consultant and he advised me chemotherapy. My children agreed this time in spite of the apprehension. Luckily I tolerated it well and was given regular shots. It was painful but I gained some weight, appetite was restored, and became more cheerful.

Preparations for marriage were in full swing. My children were all very happy. My energy level went up. We all mistook this as the control of the disease, but it was spreading like fire in the adjacent organs of my body. Somehow or the other, probably due to my inner strength, I was fit enough to attend all the functions of the wedding.

Marriage was a grand affair; many of the bride's friends and relatives from UK came to attend the functions for 3 days. All rituals were according to the Hindu customs. It was amazing to see the active participation of the Britisher's in all the functions. I even danced on the musical, sangeet night.

My visa was nearing expiry and I had to return. Manik and his wife took very good care of me. In spite of my health problems my stay was a perfect one. They managed very well all the wedding arrangements and my health problems. They took very good care of all my needs and comforts. I think that was one of the happiest times of my life. I had forgotten nearly all the earlier sorrows and sufferings of my life. They were aware that my life span was short and spent every moment with me. I realized that Manik went out of the way to please me and keep me happy. Once he opened up his heart to me, "Mum I was not able to do anything for dad. This regret will always remain with me. I can never forgive myself for not fulfilling my duties at that time. I hope you can understand my limitations of that time."

I consoled him, "we don't keep any accounts of duties, son, it's just done spontaneously so no remorses. It's just a give and take system of life."

Looking at his tense expression I added, "I have received from all of you, love and care beyond expectations. My blessings will always be with you where ever I am. As for your dad, he was one of those. Who had a selfless love for you all and never kept these trivial matters in account."

Finally my visa expiry made me return to my native place, where the treatment was continued. At times I used to feel guilty that Renu and her husband left their home and children and even their surgery and came running for my medical needs, which could disturbed their own married life, but their presence gave me sense of security and a mental comfort to them.

When I came back to India,I felt weak as if my energy had been drained. I was brought back to Surat, I started my routine but health wise, I was not normal.

CHAPTER 6

I knew my end was nearing. Activities of my disciples were now shifted to our house. I used to preach while reclining with support. It was a Sunday, I was preaching, words were flowing as if some divine power was speaking through me. I was speaking on Bhagwad Gita and said, "Lord Krishna who was an avatar (incarnation) of that era, had only one goal in sight. Dharma (truth) was to be maintained at all costs. When all persuading efforts failed, the doctrine of Bhagvad Gita was the only remedy left with Lord Krishna. The doctrine of Bhagavad Gita was thus recited to Pandava King Arjuna in the battlefield.

Bhagvad Gita encompasses everything worth knowable in the whole Cosmos. There is nothing beyond Bhagwad Gita that is required to be learnt in life. This sacred document is so complex to understand, that even the best philosophers and scientists and learned saints have failed to decipher even a few shlokas (versus) of Bhagavad Gita.

Bhagvad Gita can only be understood by that serious seeker of spirituality who is willing to sacrifice everything in the name of God. Bhagavad Gita is one sacred text which cannot be understood by mere reading. When it is read again and again then also one feels lack of explanations, it is so complex.Similar sacred books like The Holy Bible and the Sacred Quran exist for other religions. The doctrine is very similar but the way they are analyzed differently by different readers. God is one, but seen in different forms at different man made places.

To decipher what has been stated in Bhagvad Gita, one needs initially to surrender his ego. Until we have full faith in the system of God, we shall not be able to follow the core teachings of Bhagwad Gita. Too many arguments and quarries will drift us further and further away from the real meaning.

Bhagvad Gita teaches us the core values of life. It is Bhagwad Gita which clarified to the humanity that our soul atman within us is the real crux of life. The body being only a garment for the soul (atman) within, it is our soul atman that has taken the body and not vice versa.

Once this concept, the subtle core of life, that our soul atman within the body is the real essence of life, becomes clear, we need to further understand that the body was taken by the soul atman to remove the impurities contained within. On its own, no soul atman can purify itself. Every soul atman needs a body to work out its karma and remove the dirt from within. All souls are pure and to retain the purity the karmas performed by the five sense organs of the body have to be pure, satvickaram.

As the metal within an ore cannot separate itself and requires the requisite mining machinery for it to be separated out from the impurities contained within the ore, likewise every soul atman requires a body to work out its karma.

All impurities contained within having been removed. Our soul atman liberates forever from the cycle of Birth and Death. As per Bhagvad Gita the cosmic end of life has been reached. The cause for further manifestations having ceased, this soul atman gains enlightenment and finally, salvation.

It was at this moment that I viewed the reflection of my mind and heart as in a mirror and pondered for a moment on my own feelings. "Why was I still attached to my family?Did I not know that God is there to take care of every one,andwhy will he not takecare of them? Every person has their own lines of destiny on the hands, which no one can alter. After being struck with so many blows of destiny, who knows better than me,how powerful fate can be. I will just pray that Lady Destiny will show a motherly softness to my family and never be harsh. After this I felt dizzy and exhausted.

I lost consciousness while preaching. I recovered my senses and found that my right side of body was paralysed. I was rushed to hospital a scan was ordered and it showed a clot. This time Nitu also came.For full five days she worked relentlessly to take care of me. She hardly slept. I was touched by her unselfish attitude. After the sudden shock of losing her son and husband in one stroke of cruel fate, she had let go of all the attachments. Without any schooling of spiritualism, she was the reflection of my real guru. I knew I had found a successor who was far ahead of me in true knowledge. When I was bed ridden she used to read a few shlokas of Geeta to me and explain the meaning in detail. It was here that I was moved by the depth of her knowledge on the subject. The sphere of spiritualism which took years and years for me to gain mastery had been fully grasped by her in a short span of time. She turned out to be a better student than me in the field of spiritualism.

Throughout my ailment my children had been with me .They neglected their families; probably they were compensating for the anguish they had seen me face after partition.

Hardly anyone knew that this is a lull before a storm. One fine morning I felt dizzy, I had a sinking sensations. I was examined by doctors who said this time it of no use to shift me to a hospital. I was put on oxygen, and drips were started at home only. I clearly remember having talked to my daughter, Reena, and asked her to come and meet me. She was well aware of my condition. She had always tried to boost my moral, but now I am very strong to face even death, but she may not be able to bear the sight of death come and engulf me.

Here I was l lay, evaluating my life. I could see tears in eyes of my children and my disciples. I realized that may be I had committed mistakes in my life. Since I was not highly educated I could not take care of my family, the way I should have. There was a generation gap .I could not interact with them. I wanted them to get highly educated without telling them what was right and what was wrong, probably at that period of time I was not aware of this fact that knowledge and education cannot be forced on to anyone. It is written in the lines of their destiny. Unfortunately the destiny script is a secret script, and unfolds itself in bits and pieces. In spite of all the hassles of life, my children attained a good education and became well placed in life. I had one thing to feel proud of; I had thought them all good values of life.

Life gave me little but snatched away much but I felt the consolation that in spite of all that had happened, this spiritualism helped me to absorb these shocks and I could help others who came to me in similar situations. I lived a life for which I was destined to live. I suffered for the karma's of my previous life. I was literally gasping, but cursing fate for being so cruel to me at so many stages of life."True bliss comes to me in the service of humanity. If death were knocking at my door today, I would beg the lord to let me remain here, so that I might serve a brother or sister in pain."

How could it be so cruel to me at every step of life? Whenever happiness had knocked our door some catastrophe used to come like a big ocean tide and wash away all happiness. What was wrong in the dreams which we saw in Sindh, of getting married in a wealthy family and enjoy a comfortable life. This dream had just begun to be fulfilled. My elder daughter Kala went like a queen and returned after two years in a miserable shape. I was picked up like a dice of a chess board and placed on the open air harbour of Bombay. When all arrangements of Nitu's marriage were done burglary was to take place and all my valuables stolen. It was a big tension for the whole family, but I was worst hit. Where was I wrong if I wanted my children to attain flourishing business and do well in life. I always desired to see them in the same grandeur that we had abandoned.

Why did life hurt me at every step and gave me nothing but pain. We had hardly overcome these jolts when the cruel hand of fate slapped me right on my face and snatched away Nitu's husband and my beloved son. Then on top of all this, my beloved Ram, would leave me so soon. I picked up all my strength, and tried to unite the torn bits of my life, when I was struck with this deadly disease. If I was to come face to face with fate I would ask him directly, "After all what crimes had I committed in my previous births that you were so cruel to me at every step of life." I paused for a moment and thought, "Why am I so selfish, what about the hard blows on my simple, pious, calm and poise husband? A person of his reputation and position at a very young age, left all his riches behind and struggled all his life. Shuttled from one place to another but could not even see a ray of happiness. On top of all this his beloved eldest daughter went through so many miseries of life.Thetragedy of Kamal and prince took a heavy toll on him and devastated the family. There is no comparison of ill fated destiny."

I have no regrets, I know the truth, Lord Krishna had said "Arjun, don't think that this is the end of everything. The soul has been travelling for many centuries. It has been in so many bodies before, and it's going to be in so many bodies afterwards.' The theory of reincarnation has been accepted by many. It may not have been accepted by some. In certain civilizations, in certain walks of life in society, they don't think so. They think that 'when you die, that is the end of everything.' If you understand reincarnation, then you will be able to understand the theory of karma.

Once you've understood the theory of karma, action; then you will understand why certain events are happening in your life. If you are to discard the theory of action, karma; and if this is the first and last reason why you are here, then we all must be perfect!

There comes a turning point in everybody's life and it happened in my life too .My losses were stepping stones to my spiritual journey. After all who am I to take care of my family? I am leaving them to the mercy of god almighty, which will always be with them at every step of life. If God grants me even a single day I shall like to serve anyone who is in distress .I shall like to reduce his or her burden of misery.

A flash back came to that when I was a child a holy man had come; the whole family was engrossed in serving him .I was watching him in awe from a distance, when he looked at me and said to my father "this child has very bad planetary configuration and she shall suffer a lot in her life. She has brought all your luck, but is void of it herself."

My father enquired that by just changing her name will her destiny change. He said, to some extent, effects of bad planets shall change. I was too small to understand all this. Now I realized what he meant, but he had not foreseen that I shall get a Guru who shall meld me to withstand onslaughts of destiny and I shall be able to guide hundreds of people who shall come to me in similar plight. May be this good happening in my life, getting a perfect guru to mould me and buffer me from all the shocks was because of the changed name.

Everything has become pitch dark .I feel as if I am in a dark tunnel which seems to have no end but I could see light at the extreme end of the tunnel .I am shedding this body but my soul is immortal. I shall come back in some form according to my karma's .

I may get moksha (salvation), who knows; Omshanti, shanti, shanti.

