>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I SPEND SO
MUCH TIME BREAKING DOWN ALL THE
BIG SIDES OF NEWS BEEF FOR YOU,
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO TAKE A
MINUTE TO GRIND UP THE HOOVES
AND MIX THE NEWS-KERATIN INTO MY
DOWNMARKET SHAMPOO OF A SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE."
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY--
MEANWHILE, NASA WANTS TO STUDY
THE LONGTERM EFFECTS OF BEING
IMMOBILE, SO THEY'VE COME UP
WITH THE DREAM JOB FOR ME IN
COLLEGE, "OFFERING PEOPLE
$19,000 TO STAY IN BED FOR
TWO MONTHS."
LET ME SAVE YOU SOME CASH.
JUST DROP BY MY HOUSE WHILE I'M
BINGEING "GAME OF THRONES"
BEFORE THE SEASON PREMIERE.
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"BED SORES ARE COMING!"
 (  LAUGHTER  )
DURING THE TWO MONTHS,
"PARTICIPANTS WILL BE ASKED TO
DO A NUMBER OF ACTIVITIES LYING
DOWN, SUCH AS EATING, READING,
WATCHING TV, OR GOING TO THE
BATHROOM."
BUT "YOU MUST SPEAK GERMAN."
OR AT LEAST LEARN A FEW KEY
PHRASES, LIKE, "HERR DOCTOR, I
BEG OF YOU, PLEASE CHANGE THE
SHEETS OF MY HORIZONTAL EATING
TOILET."
DANKE.
DANKE.
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SPEAKING OF THE "GAME OF
THRONES," THE SHOW'S FIGHT
CHOREOGRAPHER SAID RECENTLY THAT
IN ORDER TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
ALL ACTORS ON SET, "'GAME OF
THRONES' HAS A SAFE WORD."
WHICH EXPLAINS THE END OF SEASON
ONE:
>> WAIT!
I FORGOT THE SAFE WORD!"
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> Stephen: SPOILER ALERT,
JON.
SPOILER ALERT.
>> Jon: YEAH, I SEE THAT.
>> Stephen: HE'S FINE.
HE'S FINE.
TO MAKE SURE THE SAFE WORD WAS
EFFECTIVE, HE PICKED ONE "THAT
MIGHT SOUND COMPLETELY FOREIGN
TO THE PEOPLE OF WESTEROS:"
"BANANA."
CAN THAT ALSO BE THE SAFE WORD
FOR WHEN YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE WHO
WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT "GAME
OF THRONES?"
( LISPING )
"WELL, TECHNICALLY, IF JON SNOW
IS ACTUALLY A TARGARYEN, THAT
MEANS HE CAN REPEL FIRE WHICH,
REALISTICALLY, HE WOULD HAVE
DISCOVERED BY NOW IN HIS LIFE,
SO IT REALLY DOESN'T HOLD UP--"
"BANANA!
BANANA!
DEAR GOD, BANANA!"
MEANWHILE, "A PENNSYLVANIA MAN
WAS JUST ARRESTED FOR DRUNK
DRIVING."
THE MAN'S NAME?
DANIEL SOBER.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
POLICE CALL THIS THEIR MOST
IRONIC NAME-RELATED ARREST SINCE
THEY CAUGHT THE NOTORIOUS SERIAL
KILLER STEVE NOTTAMURDERER.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE
DISCOVERED THAT "DUBSTEP MUSIC
HAS BEEN FOUND TO PROTECT
AGAINST MOSQUITO BITES BY
DELAYING HOST ATTACK, REDUCING
BLOOD FEEDING, AND DISRUPTING
MATING," BUT IT'S "SPECIFICALLY
MUSIC BY SKRILLEX."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
RESEARCHERS ALSO CONCLUDED THAT
THEY'D RATHER JUST GET MALARIA.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
MEANWHILE--
 ( APPLAUSE )
SKRILLEX.
MEANWHILE, ARTIFICIAL
INTELLIGENCE CONTINUES TO MAKE
STRIDES, BECAUSE NOW "A.I. CAN
PREDICT WHO WILL DIE EARLY WITH
'UNSETTLING ACCURACY.'"
SO DON'T BE SURPRISED WHEN YOU
ASK ALEXA TO ORDER MORE PAPER
TOWELS, AND SHE STRONGLY
SUGGESTS ONE-DAY SHIPPING.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
RESEARCHERS--
>> Jon: NO!
>> Stephen: RESEARCHERS TRAINED
THE A.I. BY HAVING IT ANALYZE
PATIENTS' HEALTH DATA USING
"COMPUTER-BASED 'MACHINE
LEARNING' ALGORITHMS."
THE ALGORITHM IS PRETTY
COMPLICATED.
DID PATIENT "A" PUT AWAY
SEVEN CINNABONS ON SUNDAY?
IF NO, GO TO ALIVE.
IF YES, GO TO DEAD.
MEANWHILE, FOR SOME REASON, THIS
WEEKEND, ELON MUSK DROPPED A RAP
SONG EULOGIZING HARAMBE THE
GORILLA.
OH, GOOD!
SO THAT MUST MEAN THE HYPERLOOP
IS DONE, AND WE'VE COLONIZED
MARS, AND YOU FINISHED THAT
MACHINE THAT GETS KIDS OUT OF
CAVES?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
 (  LAUGHTER  )
NOW, THAT HEADLINE SOUNDS BAD,
BUT IT DOESN'T SOUND NEARLY AS
BAD AS THE SONG ITSELF.
TAKE A LISTEN.
♪ R.I.P. HARAMBE
SIPPING ON SOME BOMBAY
♪ WE ON OUR WAY TO HEAVEN
AMEN, AMEN ♪
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE CRUELEST
THING EVER TO HAPPEN TO HARAMBE:
THE GORILLA WHO SPENT HIS LIFE
IN A ZOO AND WAS MURDERED.
BUT THIS IS PART OF A LONG
TRADITION OF GENIUS INVENTORS
MAKING EMBARRASSING FORAYS INTO
MUSIC.
WHO CAN FORGET THOMAS EDISON'S
WAX CYLINDER SINGLE DURING
THE ALTERNATIVE-CURRENT VS.
DIRECT-CURRENT WARS.
♪ I ELECTROCUTED AN ELEPHANT
TO PROVE A.C, IS BAD!
♪ BUT CHILDREN SAW OL' TOPSY FRY
AND I GUESS THAT MADE THEM SAD ♪
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH EMILIA CLARKE.
