

SUICIDE  
Jenny Vorster

Copyright [2018] Jenny Vorster

Smashwords Edition

About the Cover

I found this face amongst my Mothers personal items. I don't know when she drew it, but there was a time in her life when she was in deep physical pain. Her by-pass operation was not going well. She slept a lot. It was in 2008. To me this picture speaks of deep unhappiness, even deep despair. I cannot think of another emblem that would depict the feeling of even one's soul pain.

My Mother passed away from septicemia in March 2009.

Writer - Jenny Vorster

Illustrations - Jenny Vorster

Book edited by - Yolande Marais

Email - yl.va@hotmail.com

All scriptures are taken from The Good News Bible, Today's English Version.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapter 1 - Introduction

Chapter 2 \- Background

Chapter 3 \- The Beginnings

Chapter 4 \- Mother

Chapter 5 \- The Year 2014 - 2015

Chapter 6 \- The Year 2016

Chapter 7 \- Something More

Chapter 8 \- Poetry

Chapter 9 \- Testimonial

Chapter 10 \- Practical Solutions

Chapter 11 \- Suffering

Chapter 12 \- Dave Pedersen (Dad's missing)

Chapter 13 Conclusion

My address

Jenny Vorster • P O Box 13005 • Noordstad • South Africa 9302 • E-mail - jenny58.vorster@gmail.com

CHAPTER 1 INTRODUCTION

In 1975 my first attempted suicide was in boarding school in standard 9. I had seen on television how actors had cut their wrists and bled and died. So I got hold of a blade and at 2 am in the morning, proceeded to cut my wrists. The pain while cutting, was excruciating. But no blood came, so I went back to my room and had my first mental breakdown the next morning. All I can say is that the doctor who treated me had said that, had I cut a mm deeper, I would have lost both my hands. Can you imagine not even, ever, tying a button or unable to pick up a spoon to stir your tea. In fact, having no use in your hands at all.

I was only diagnosed with Schizo- Affective Disorder in 1988. By then I had already attempted suicide a few times. The problem with this disorder is that you have moods of deep depression and oppositely, extreme elation, both of which can cause suicide attempts. I also struggled with hearing voices and losing touch with reality. Yes, my moods could be controlled to a certain degree, by medication. But what about you, out there, who are stuck in deep black holes? Who have no way out. Who feel that death seems such an easy option. But something is saying to you, must you do it? Will the pain perhaps go away. But your heart tells you that it is not going away. You sometimes drop hints to your friends about thinking of suicide, but it seems they can't hear you. Every time you attempt suicide, you get braver and more aggressive. Suicide is an absolute hate against yourself and even against humanity. The option of suicide remains so real. So painless. Even kind to yourself.

So where does it leave us? Us who feel so deeply about our unfathomable pain. About trying to make pain less or just go away. Yes, it is 2015 and after all these years of trying to take my life, I have found a way where I don't want to do it anymore. I am free from the bondage of hating life. This year I was attacked and severely bitten by a dog. On my shoulder and my leg. Never had I gone through such physical and emotional pain. But not for one minute did I think it was too much to end my life. I think that in a moment of insanity, of being completely irrational and utterly confused, we resort to suicide – and it remains just that, Bizarre! How could one not, in one fleeting moment, remember that life has ups and downs with a moment of happiness, even so small, here and there. You may say to me that I cannot possibly understand, but I can only give you the pathway I have taken.

All of us had either too heavy a burden to carry or we were caught up in the ways of the world, which made us feel like the worst ever and with no escape. I don't know what drove us over the edge, but I will tell you of how my life was darkened by despair and also how my life was given back to me. How I can actually laugh from my belly again. How people make me enjoy them. How I talk, now, to my closest friends, if I feel hard done by or cannot cope alone. Let me just add, quickly, that it has not been easy. In fact, it has been a road of only uphills.

Remember there is always someone out there who wants to listen, who wants to try and help. I know that at times we have felt beyond help. That even if someone talks to us, we don't even hear a word they say. I have a lot of data of deep cries of despair. This I will share with you, but believe me that the way I found that helped me, is the only way according to me. Nothing else worked. Pain and suffering are synonymous. The one hand feeds the other, but there is a greater hand that is over us and never let's go. Let me begin now to guide you.

Subsequent to this writing and the dog bite that I mentioned earlier, I would like to say the following

The pain that still haunts me from not having suicide as an option remains so very real. No dog biting me can ever beat it. The pain makes you despair so deeply. The damage of people that do not follow and help you leave you bitter and hateful. No, we are not normal. We are different. We need special understanding. Soft and gentle caring. But this world is cruel. No-one can truly understand us. We are actually so alone. Oh, we cry. We talk but the pain does not go away. I really believe that not having suicide as an option leaves us, at times, with unbearable pain. Sometimes we are caught up in a heartless world where we are prisoners of our own despair.

Where am I going with this? What am I trying to say? The only hope that I have found, to ease this pain, is in Jesus Christ. When, in unimaginable situations, He comes out tops for me. In the ensuing pages I will share this hope with you. Then you must decide, if this is the hope you, like me, have been yearning for.

But what do you do in a negative environment? All I can say is, that as bad as it is, there is no other option. You have to stay in it. It drives you crazy. It often even repulses you. It is terrible. You have no hope. You are filled with loneliness. But there are times when good things happen. Hold onto them. Feed off them. Once you understand Jesus Christ, you will have it so much easier. You will tolerate all people. You will get peace inside yourself for them, that you never had. Suicide will not force you to give up. But you must try and make time for yourself. A walk. Reading in your room. Sitting outside. Visiting a friend. Listening to music. (Don't become bitter. It, too, is a cancer).

One more insight that I would like to mention. Christian people are as different as us. They care. They give so much of their time. They are able to listen. If we use up all their tissues, they will get more. They are worth more than money and ou will find them. You may not always remember the advice but you will remember their compassion. Sometimes they will just hold your hand. They give you hope. It is so good and freeing because they show you that Jesus has no favorites. And they teach you about the Christian Bible, so that when you have to grow on your own again, this book will enable you to do so. If you know such a Christian Bible, just look up Psalm 142 and 143. The Bible has an index in front. Realize, then, that this Jesus Christ in the Bible does understand. We call this love, and the whole outlook is based on HOPE which you and I as suicides yearn for. The Bible does not tell lies. It's promises are true and real. It fills you with a calmness beyond belief.

My sister, Zita, said of Psalm 142 and 143

"A strange 2 psalms of a very lost soul who isn't sure, as I am, that God is with me even if I am alone... in the form of an animal, a stranger, an irritating fly... a breeze... the call of a bird... the ring of a phone... something... somehow."

Finally, to those who never made it.

I believe that God would have put you on his lap and shown you a beautiful life here on earth if you had endured for another hour, week or month, as He always provides a way out. Always. The older translations of the Bible says of Isaiah 40 verse 31 that those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not grow faint..

And to those of us that are still here.

Join a church. Join a fellowship group. Don't be afraid to talk and tell your story. Don't be afraid of being rejected. If you keep quiet, it is only you and your feelings. And loneliness, despair and self hate will be the end of you. Jesus endured so that you can also endure. He will never forsake you and at the end of the day it is not about people only but about this man Jesus who is willing to walk beside you, be you friend and help you. Find a church or fellowship group that can demonstrate these promises and believe me there are such places. I am in one and I am still alive.

CHAPTER 2 BACKGROUND

21 July 2010

Ever since I can remember I felt different. My first suicide attempt was in Standard 9 in boarding school and I went home to recuperate. I managed to pass standard 9 and my Dad helped me restart my athletic career again. I often cried myself to sleep, thinking about my Mom and Dad and wanting them to accept Jesus as their Saviour. (Just to add that they both became Christians before they passed away.) My parents confiscated my Bible, which in retrospect was a very good thing. Fortunately, in sport I needed the energy to perform, so I never got tired of the physical needs it demanded. No- one detected that I was actually suffering from a mental disorder. I would have an hour of netball practice, go to athletics for an hour and a half and then go to swimming for an hour.

On some weekends, I would run on our mountain, Longhill, feeling like the deer and perfect the whistle that the buck made. They would actually listen to me. When it became dusk, I would run home. After school, I would sometimes run the 12 kilometers mountain pass with my Dad.

At this time, I was at the peak of my athletic career. During the time when the sport was closed to the outside world, I received my Coastal colors for Cross Country. Equivalent to Springbok colors. I won many 3000 meters' races and Cross Country events. I was also a very good swimmer and also received provincial colors. I played for the 1 netball team in standard 9 and 10. I loved springboard diving but never pursued it after school. I excelled at athletics and was the South African champion at Biathlon in 1977.

After 1977 things started to take a dive. I vacillated between immense jubilation and deep depressions. Sometimes losing touch with reality.

It was only in 1988 that they diagnosed me with Schizo- Affective Disorder. I could never hold down a job and due to my suicide attempts, no one wanted to keep me employed.

I did manage to complete 2 periods of 5 and 6 consecutive years working as a dental chair side assistant, while on medication, but they were clouded by suicide attempts.

In 1996 I received a certificate of merit for my poetry by Bertram's VO, the most coveted literary award in Africa. In 2002 I went through deliverance which is having demons cast out of me. For 2 and a half hours they commanded the demon to leave me and named itself as the other Jenny. I immediately went off my medication and for 2 years I was impossible to live with. By 2004 I was taking my medication again. My medication was Leponex 400mg and Camcolit 1000mg at night. Clopixol Depot 100mg injection every week. I also took Eltroxin 0.15mg for hypothyroidism.

Despite my setbacks I became the Southern Free State Bowls singles champion in 2007. I also played bowls for the Southern Free State "B" side. My bowls career started in 1983 when I played in the Inter Provincial Mixed pairs tournament.

We moved to Kimberley where I joined a gym and tried to shake off my weight that I had put on after my Mom's death in 2009. I went to church every Sunday night and went to a course on Christian counseling every Tuesday for a year. I passed well.

In 2012 I was playing bowls again and played twice a week. My Mom would have been proud of me. I had also started to swim and did 1km each day. I drank Vitamin B complex pills and it gave me quite a bit of energy. I did housework like making food, washing clothes and ironing them. I also helped my dad with the business, like typing letters and doing uncomplicated invoices. I read in my spare time.

It is now July 2016... My father passed away from a brain tumor in 2013. I nursed him for 4 months. Sleeping with him. Being with him for 24 hours Afterwards I went to live with my sister in Ballito. She sent me on a 6 week Home Carers Course. With my 2 years of nursing experience, I am now working at an Agency, doing Caring work, in Bloemfontein, settling here after being away for 9 years. My family are very supportive. My one sister and husband set me up to live in a self-contained room on a farm outside Bloemfontein. With my Caring pay, my Disability grant and finances for unseen expenses from my family, I am content.

I am currently taking revised medication of Largactil, Epilim, Eltroxin and some side-effect pills. I have to admit that I have never felt more controlled on my medication and am able to make good decisions and try to make wholesome ones.

I have three friends at the moment. Douglas. He visits me once a week on the farm. He has proved to truly care about me. I know him since 1994. I also see Sonia every 10 days. She is 88 years old. Sonia and I met at the farm owner, Paddy's 80th birthday party in 2015 and have been such good friends ever since. Riana I see every second month. She has been very supportive and knows me since 1988. Petrol is an issue. My work is 25 minutes away. My sister and family try and see me every 2nd weekend. We have great times together. I have Sunday lunch with my brother and his wife, every second Sunday. Paddy, the farm owner, is very good to me. I have promised to be her Carer one day.

Sometimes when I come back from work, I walk in circles in my small room as I have to prepare food for the next day, eat, bath, and fit in a time to take the dogs for a walk.

I whatsapp my Pastoral Carer, Elaine, in Ballito, KwaZulu Natal, quite often. She has become my best friend. (My Mother used to fill this role.) I was at the Umhlali Methodist Church for the duration of my stay in Ballito from 2014 to 2016. Elaine is the Pastoral Carer there. I was under her care. When challenged by me, about her ministry to me, she said that she was completely led by the Holy Spirit. I believe her. Had she helped me in any other way, I would not be where I am today. My sister, in Ballito, also played a vital role in my transition, although, at the time, I did not see it. If it was not for her thoughtfulness to send me on a Carers Course, I would be a nobody today. (And have no work.)

I love the old hymns. Hymn 448 is so applicable.

"O love that wilt not let me go,

I rest my weary soul in Thee

I give Thee back the life I owe,

That in Thine ocean depths its flow

May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way,

I yield my flickering torch to

Thee

My heart restores its borrowed

ray,

That in Thy sunshine's blaze its

day

May brighter, fairer be.

O joy that seekest me through pain,

I cannot close my heart to Thee

I trace the rainbow through the rain

And feel the promise is not in vain,

That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,

I dare not ask to fly from Thee

I lay in dust life's glory dead,

And from the ground there

blossoms red

Life that shall endless be.

George Matheson, 1842-1906

CHAPTER 3 THE BEGINNING

I sharpened my fingers and dug into myself. I pulled out the strand of intestines that were bound in my guts and I broke them into pieces. I grabbed hold of my kidneys and crushed them under my heavy feet. I ripped open my uterus and smiled at its barrenness. I laughed at the pain that emanated from my body. Tangible pain. Pain I could understand. I hacked out my liver and marveled at its color, extremely healthy. But my happiness was beyond words when I put my bloody cruel hands around my pulsating heart that had kept me alive in such a senseless and hopeless world. But my mind shot cries of anguish to my soul to not destroy this organ. But nothing was going to stop this honor! So, I drilled my sharp finger into my ear and punctured my brain, which had been the seat of my reason. Then I felt myself fading away, because my brain, in essence, was me. My grip loosened around my heart and I felt myself floating away.

Sprawled before me was my dying body somehow still alive. Bandages nursed my brokenness. Ointment and threads held my detached organs in place. Ropes tied my hands to my sides and slowly I came down to reality again, while I had been wandering indifferently and uncaring. My brain sent messages to my soul of injustice and unfairness and my mouth uttered screams of despair as my eyes perceived the ugliness of reality. A sharp prick and I would drift away again and again and again. But I would always return, to reality. My echoing screams would always send me into dullness. Then slowly I realized that aggression was a dead end and precisely at this moment I climbed into myself and started to walk the passageways of my soul.

At first the darkness frightened me, but soon my smoldering eyes lit my endless search. I became quiet and withdrawn and became vaguely conscious of little round objects infiltrating me with gasps of water and so I began to peep into reality every now and again as I kept walking my soul's roads. But realizing I was going in circles. Never ending circles. Questions answered in circles. I tried to make myself break circles and cover them with squares of reason, or rectangles of hope, or triangles of laughter, but somehow it was like being in a spider's web. Also always a circle. And I could not get away.

Then I spoke to myself and I said, "If you want to go to the land of the dead, then do it gracefully and pretend that you are happy. Pretend that all your circles are changed and don't dwell in your soul. Don't dwell around yourself. Just pretend. Pretend. Pretend. And then when everyone believes that you are happy, according to so many standards, then do what you must do and become dead." I wanted to shout at myself and the ease of such an answer to my dilemma, but again I remembered Jesus and wondered why I was alive at all and I threw my brokenness in front of him and Jesus just told me to "hang in there."

And I am still hanging in there...

But for how long

I do not

know.

J Vorster (7 August 1986)

I walked into the desert of my soul, without any water and I wore no shoes. My feet were too heavy and my soul thirsted after the unfathomable need known as love. The sun's rays shot like daggers into my flesh and cracked open my skin, licking the blood away in the desert dryness. Flies began to irritate me as they delighted in my festering moods. My burdened feet carried me further and further away from any hope. Pools of non-existent water tricked my eyes as my mind gaily played with me. But I knew my thirst would not end. I found myself saying, " I don't care."

The night found me exhausted and sleep carried me into dreamland, but not for long- the desert was relentless. I felt her icy fingers wrap themselves around me. I cried out, but not even as much as an echo responded to my needs.

It dawned again, and I began to walk towards the horizon of emptiness once more.

I cared not about life because life cared not about me. Somehow, somewhere, I must have dropped onto the deserted sand because I remember only the cry of a vulture and my tear-like eyes looking for life's purposes and then I remember no more...

Perhaps I am still lying in the desert sand...

Perhaps the vulture has consumed me...

But I know that I know that there is still some remnant of myself, seeking to give life to that which turned away in rebellion and bitterness, that which I left somewhere in the desert. Perhaps I should not seek wholeness, but just an acceptance of this remnant that now needs me.

This remnant that I must find, took another journey as I became and am still becoming.

" I found myself separated from my conflicting self. I felt the sun pulling me away from the icy touch of despair and frustration. I soared the now rain filled skies with jubilant expectancy. I opened myself as a vagina does when new life is craving to spring forth...

I leap out of myself and as I began to forget my dilemmas, darkness suddenly obliterated the raindrops that danced with me and I felt the antagonism of the sun's fingers pushing me back, back, back as I labored to break free. I recoiled at this form of aggression and like a centipede in danger, I thus remained and still am remaining."

J Vorster (9 August 1986)

As the night began to unfold me in its darkness, I unzipped my body and cast it aside. My soul frolicked in anticipation. I waited for the evening breeze and floated away. What was I without my body? My body that identified me with others, even though I believed not in sincerity. My body which could express the needs of my soul...

It was then that you again entered my life. You touched my ice-cold body and because you were tired of yourself, you climbed into me and left your body for me to find. You waited.

When the sun wanted to peep at me again, I floated towards my body, only to find you there. You laughed at me because you knew that I would never use you. My soul cried out in despair. You left me totally alone and confused because I really believed in you.

I began to question your motives. Why you befriended me. Were you using me. Your insecurity and low self-esteem probably laid the foundation of my believing you needed to be cared for. Why did you give so much of your laughter and concern to me that I felt needed and understood. Why did you listen to my needs and pretend to see the future with hope.

And now you have betrayed me. As I looked around me, I decided to throw your ice-cold body into the fire, which I promptly did. I wondered what would happen now...It was then that my soul began to reason with me.

"There has been no-one else. You have parted yourself into an idealistic image and this image has now become your enemy. The despair and loneliness you feel, are the very emotions that you have tried to push aside. You see them as a weakness and an irritation. You need to come to terms with yourself."

I started to search for my body, which you had stolen. I walked into a desolate sub-way and found you. You looked sad and dejected. My soul longed to touch you, but no expression came. You looked at me, unzipped my body and walked away... I picked myself up and ran towards you- I had to help you understand. I held your hand.

We walked along the seaside, where the lull of the sea calmed us. We sat down. I asked you to tell me about yourself. You were, strangely enough, very much like me. I squeezed your hand and you began to cry. All the years of frustration poured out of the soul I now embraced. Many hours passed and I made space for you to live within me.

You have subsequently become the one who gives up so often and I have become the one who frolics through life. We have kept each other company and I am grateful to you. Now I am no longer alone. Only sometimes you make me confused and I have to leave you awhile. But I always return with new hope and new strength. Thank you for being my "soul"- mate.

Forgive me for the times I do not believe in you.

J Vorster (10 August 1986)

THE LONE RANGER

When I say hallo to you and ask

how you are

my mask is one of concern

When you begin to cry because

you cannot fathom your problems

my mask is one of comfort

When you begin to unravel

your hurts and fears

my mask is one of compassion

When you touch me in need of intimacy

my mask is one of assurance

When you begin to laugh again

my mask is one of joy

And when you begin to travel on my pathway of life and forget your individuality my mask securely hides my annoyance

And when you begin to rely too much on me my mask hides my displeasure

And again when you begin to share yourself totally with me my mask hides my intense fear

But when you can no longer live without me

I slowly remove my many masks and show you my true self which I sometimes experience as

arrogant and foolish

self- centered and disinterested

disloyal and unreliable

aggressive and short tempered

childish and uncaring

and because I am not truthful, my love is false

In these times I am frightened even of myself And when you do leave me

I am relieved but

I feel empty inside

because I have once again failed

in my need to find

a friend.

J Vorster

CHAPTER 4 MOTHER

I shared a flat with my best friend for 2 and a half years. In that time I was in hospital with a suicide attempt. I had a white rat as a pet. Here is a letter my mother wrote to me while I was institutionalized, 16 February 1994. She used to visit me every night at the hospital and bring me cooked food and coffee. It was the highlight of my day.

"Hallo Jenny,

I am drinking a quick cup of coffee with Alice. I am also taking note how beautiful your flat is. How beautiful the plants are- so full of life. Everything is so clean. And the rat is peeping at me in his cage, with his pink eyes.

I can't really talk when we are there with you, but I know that things have gone very wrong for you again. I just want you to know that we ALL love you very much because you are someone very special in our family. Those that don't say it or talk about it, is because they cannot. Even I cannot always tell you how I feel, but it is not just towards you, I am like this with everyone. Don't you just want to remember, again, that we are here for you to live for. Your brothers, sisters, Mother and Father. You are and have always been a part of us. And when things happen that confuse you, and make you depressed, it is things that you are just too serious about. Everyone that confuses you. Fight against it and don't listen to them. If you don't like someone, for example, don't feel bad about it. It is natural to feel this way. Or if someone tells you something that you do not agree with, do not worry about it. The whole world exists with people like you and me. Everyone that tells you- this or that is wrong, why are you doing it, what will the people say, etc.

Bang these doors closed in the people's faces and go on your way. Be what you want to be and not what other people want you to be. Live like you want to live.

I love you dearly. Fight against this horrible thing that attacks you. There is so much to live for. Some things you haven't even discovered, because everyone wants to tell you how you must live and what you must and must not do.

I am coming to visit tomorrow night again. And want to see a smile upon my daughter's face.

Lots and Lots of LOVE,

Mommy

CHAPTER 5 THE YEAR 2014 - 2015

I always thought you owed me, world. I was classified as mentally ill by you. You put me in a box. You filled me with pills. You made me choose circumstances that were not correct. You taught me about suicide as the only option out of any problem. I became used to living in the ways of the world. I'm angry with you world and I'm angry with myself for allowing you to bash me around. I look at my life as a complete waste. I felt like I was never given the chance to live. I have felt abused and misunderstood.

Why did it take so long, dear, dear God, to free me from all this? I know, dear God, that this is all training ground. That you have freed me from the world now. That it was not your fault, but that you are using it, now, Father, to let me live the life that you intended for me to live. Father, dear Father, hold my hand, please. Give me your strength. Don't let me be angry. Everything works according to your plan and decision. I do not want to work until this tiredness is sorted out. I need to be ready, Lord. I am so angry that the Psychiatrists won't listen to my confusion. I am trying to be strong. I need you, Father. Once again, I know that you are using my messed up life to somehow reach, even one person, to find peace with you and then let me move on. Father, I am even willing to go back to the work I walked away from. I know that I do not have endless finances. Please don't let me doubt you. Please let me sort out all these physical things going on with me? I want you to be well pleased with me for being free from the choice of suicide. I want you to hold me ever so close to you and comfort me in all my decisions.

Father, your protection has been over me all these years. You never allowed me to be put, permanently, into a mental institution. You believed in me. All these years I have been mysteriously caught in a set of circumstances that made me incapable of being the person you created me to be. I can be so angry with so many people and so many events. I can be angry at the world. I can lash out and blame the church, the Christians, my employers. I can feel hurt and not know how to cope because I am new at the things of life. But right in the center of all this is Jesus. Jesus who never justified himself. Who was perfect while I was not. Whose whole reason why he was on this earth was because you loved the world (people) so much, that he became like us, walked amongst us, healed us, taught us, forgave our sin and suffered shame, anger, rejection, hate, loneliness and misunderstandings, while being completely right. He must have felt so frustrated. Yet he walked a perfect path with you, relinquishing everything. Whatever I cannot change and however alone and hurt I feel and whatever happens to me, I must believe, which strengthens my faith, that you are in control and life has moments of goodness. Suicide cannot ever break this life giving bond.

I am not meant to be a Christian on my own. I am meant to have friends.

Jesus had 12 disciples, 3 of which were close friends.

People in the world think that they have all that they want, so they do not need Jesus. We, as Christians, have to show them, by example, that it is Jesus who is the missing link, in their search for meaning. God put it in each man's heart to seek him. Just look at Nature. Here is man's restlessness to find him.

None of us can ever live in a perfect environment. None of us are perfect. Even spiritually we learn more things about our imperfection, every passing moment. We can diligently pray, have a quiet time, work as best as we can, give as best as we can, but somewhere, somehow, we slip up. We make a mistake, even by just doubting ourselves. Because only Jesus was perfect. We can even try at physical perfection, but the Bible says our bodies are perishable. Prone to let us down.

What must we do in our imperfection? I don't know. I need God to show me how to live. But I know that he is always with me. I don't want to make mistakes. I know that he will always care for me. He made me. I want him to use me to tell people about Jesus, because I found Jesus when my life was clouded by suicide. Suicide being a complete rebellion against the very life that God gave me.

Lord, what is it about me, that I cannot accept that people love me? I can give love. I can tell them about you and your love. I can earnestly pray for them. I can share with them. I do believe that you have changed my life. That I will never be the same again. I don't have the answer. All I ask of you, Lord, is to show me your love, over and over and to help me accept and believe in you. Right now, I do believe you love me. I do believe you care for me. I believe everything you say in your Word. I believe that if ever I had to be separated, actually, as I am now, that I would manage. That I would not be alone. I know that I need friends to talk to. I know you made me to be with people, but I still don't know why I just cannot accept their love. Maybe, as Rob, Paddy's nephew, told me, I need to forgive myself.

Jesus, you have freed me from the curse of suicide. From its hold on me by my belief that life was too difficult. Give me back my life, Jesus. I wanted to steal it from you. Now I present it to you. As an imperfect physical vessel. Afraid to fail. Afraid to be rejected. Afraid to be misused. Afraid of being treated unkindly.

(I miss my work's responsibility that I ran away from.)

Lord, I am afraid of dying. And afraid of not experiencing the love of fellow believers. And the absolute joy of telling others that you make a difference. Of seeing someone accept you as their Saviour. Of the only one that makes any sense. Lord, make me a part of changing people. Don't let me hide under a bed, where I will become dull and purposeless. But don't let the world and its systems break me. Don't let me do anything without hearing from you. I give you my whole heart. I don't hold back. I am learning to love, without counting the cost, like you did. But I feel so uncared for by the church. But on the other hand, what more can they do for me, than that which they have not already done. Is it not true that they see you as using broken vessels and because they see me as a broken vessel, they think that I am okay? Why am I broken, when you have just set me free? I feel that my body is letting me down. That I cannot fully be a Christian because I am hampered by this intense physical confusion. And I must not expect the church to understand. Actually, only you can. It is so difficult to have time with you, because my physical problems fill my mind continually. I can understand, now, how people with physical problems are unable to concentrate. How they go beyond endurance by only thinking about you and talking to you when they cannot read their Bibles. I understand, Lord, that sometimes my physical symptoms make me suicidal, but because you have given me hope and taken away this option, that I am still learning to make choices that are based on how to live. How to be alive. How to understand what it is that you want from me, because you have given me the choice of life. How to trust you completely, asking you to help me decide what to do, because all my choices were always made by choosing to end my life when anything was too difficult. By anything, I mean, that if I had to, for instance, walk to the shop to buy bread, I would think, "I can't do it. Not today. I'll just end my life, then I won't have to go." Every choice I made, the option of suicide was there, lurking in the shadows. Why? One of the reasons was because I had been unable to understand that to live was to see that not all people were bad. That there were people who loved you that would help me to grow to love you, too. By feeling them love me, I could understand your love.

I don't want to be hurt anymore, Lord. People have hurt me. Now that I have chosen to live, I ask this, but immediately I sense that you help me to understand that I will be hurt, but I must allow you to handle it. I do this by either just giving it to you and weeping about how I really feel and just writing to you and telling you that I can't handle it. Or just sending me someone to talk to.

I was wondering how I would ever cope in this world and the verse just came up, "I can face all conditions by the power that Christ gives me." You make it all possible, Lord. Thank you.

When I chose to be part of this world and not have suicide as an option, I thought that it would be easy. That I would handle everything and get a job and be able to just be happy. Well, all of a sudden I had to make decisions without thinking that if I could not cope, I would take my life. Now when something was tough, I had to decide about what I was going to do. I felt so alone. I did not know if anyone understood what I was going through. All I knew was that you loved me, Jesus. I wasn't sure if anyone out there knew how much I loved you. But I thought I had to be perfect. So I had to make perfect decisions. I was afraid. You are showing me, though, that I am not alone.

You have brought people across my path that are giving me some answers. Mostly by reading my Bible. Some I find by sitting in church. I have so much to learn. I realize that I must expect nothing from the world. That I cannot, really, fully, rely on anyone. That there will be times when I feel alone. Times when I don't know what to do. It is in these times that I believe that you will show me your love and direction to me. That you will be the only one that can help. Sometimes I just sit and weep and then I sense you being with me. I still have to make an effort to get up and leave my bedroom. I still have to do all the things that happen in life. Then when I am unsure of how to live, I think of all the good things that happen to me and then I know it is all worthwhile.

Lord, you know that I feel as if I have done no wrong, but you know my heart and you know that this is all that is helping me cope. I know I am imperfect, by just experiencing all these physical symptoms. I don't want to be sick in any way. But I know that you know that. Lord, you won't give me a job without equipping me. I will be patient and wait for your guidance. I know that dying is not what I want. I want you to use me to make a difference, so that others can feel your love. Your purpose in their lives, despite all the pain and suffering in the world. Use me in whatever way you can, Lord. Whenever. I am ready. (Just get me through tomorrow morning.)

Lord, you know I am worried. You know that I expect you to help me. You know that I am absolutely dependent on you. There is no-one right now that I can turn to, to help me feel better or worry less. You are my Creator. You saw me before I was born. I was no mistake. May I ask you, now, to show me that no matter what, you will help me? No suicide...

Lord, you were physically beaten. So badly that you should have died. You, then, did not walk to the Cross. You endured. You must have called on God, for help, just to make it to where the Cross was. You knew that no-one understood. That you were dying on a Cross so that all people could be forgiven for the wrongs they did. That you could help them realize that if they would accept that you wanted to give them a fresh start, putting their wrongs, symbolically, with you when you died, their wrongs would disappear. Rising from the dead to ensure this.

Lord, if I worry like this, I am not going to fall asleep. The verse I recall, "Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." It takes days for me to recover from lack of sleep. But I just have to become quiet before you and always ask the questions, "What are your plans for me? Where do you want to use me?" But I know you take it into consideration that I must not be alone. That I must get some form of fellowship. Let me be patient, dear Lord, Let me wait on you. It's not like you owe me, Lord. It's more like me waiting for you to show me what you want for me. You know that I am capable. A good Carer. A gift from you. I need you to show me that I am not perfect spiritually. That even in my physical problems, please ease me ever so gently and show me that I do not have all the answers to matters that involve you and your world. Lord, I ask for wisdom that says, in the Bible, that we must just ask for it. Give me wisdom in my drawing away from suicide, to new plans. New beginnings. Teach me to keep quiet in my enthusiasm and to listen before giving an answer. I don't know it all, really. I've been "asleep" and am now in a world that I really don't understand and know so little about. Forgive me for trying on my own. Please reassure me that you can take care of me perfectly well, and those who you trust to help me.

Lord, I was wondering, on two occasions, if suicide was, not after all, easier than all these physical symptoms. I used to feel suicidal because of mental problems, but now I don't know anymore. How to not be in control. But the words from my Pastoral Carer, Elaine, keeps coming back to me, "training ground here on earth for the hereafter." Please let me draw from you, Lord. Hold my hand. Just give me the "knowing" that you are with me. That even if there is no-one else to help me, you are there. You make decisions with me. If I find that it is too difficult to face a situation, you will be with me.

You say in your Word that the Holy Spirit will teach me all things, so I do not have to be afraid to be alone. Keep me strong in you, Lord. Lord, you have not put me in your world to forget about me and my struggles. In fact, I thank you for each one because it helps me grasp how much you love me. Nothing is perfect. I can't always justify myself. I won't always make the correct choices. I will make mistakes, but you are always with me as you help me understand exactly how you are training me and what you are trying to say to me. I know that it will never be easy. That being in this world has its demands that no-one can help me with. That there are moments when there are no questions to ask and no answers to give.

That life is sometimes mechanical. But despite this, you give me moments of amazing joy. Moments, too, when I can feel near to you. Moments that belong to just you and me. Moments when I am able to reach out to others because of you. But you will also help me with my inability to help others. I don't need to be scared. You know me "inside out."

Oh, my Lord, it is good to be "on board." To be in this world. Lord, grow your heart in me. Let me be calm and receptive to the places I find others in. Let me be open to their stories and their pain. Let me not complicate the simplicity of your story and your love. Life is not primarily about me. It is about you wanting to give each person the opportunity to know what you have freely given them. I want to thank you, Lord, that it was you who made me who I am now. You believed in me. That it was you who walked the lonely passageways of the mental institutions with me. Who protected me from doing away with the very life that my mother carried in her womb. You "saw" me before I was born.

I recall once sitting on a top of a roof, wanting to jump down onto cement, but I knew you were not in it, so I called on the devil to help me and I did jump! The scripture in the Bible says that the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come to give you life in all its fullness.

I visited a friend today. My friend has walked a long path with me and admits I should have been dead over and over. Not less than 15 suicide attempts in my life!

I also recall that, once, I drove out of town, on my bicycle, at midnight and went into the mountains and tried to end my life, but a wind came up. An evil wind and I knew that if I took my life then, I would go straight to hell. Hell is a real place. It is a place away from all the goodness you promise us, Jesus, on the earth and in the hereafter.

Another time, I also went into the mountains with a months supply of pills and a bottle of wine, on my bicycle, but I awoke the next morning, got on my bicycle and went back to work. I had a breakdown soon afterwards but Lord, you have been really good to me. Oh, I wanted to live but did not know, then, how to escape my emotional pain. We have no idea what we would do to the people we leave behind. I knew an Indian man who just sat for a whole year because his 18 year old son took his life. I have heard of a woman who wanted to cut off her head with a chainsaw! Of a woman who they continually found sitting on a railway line, waiting for a train to trample her. Of a girl hearing her best friend phone her when it was too late to save herself, saying she did not want to die. We have no idea what we do to those who we frighten with our suicide attempts. Or leave behind when we succeed.

In the world someone commits suicide every 4 minutes. I have been there. I still struggle with despair, at times, but I definitely don't want to become part of a statistic. I want to live. I want to laugh.

CHAPTER 6 THE YEAR 2016

It is now sixteen months since my tiredness and physical problems started. I traveled 600 km from Ballito to Bloemfontein where I was found by a Psychiatrist at the Pelonomi Hospital, who diagnosed that I had become toxic to my Psychiatric medication. (My mouth burnt like fire. Intense moods of elation and depression at the same time. Spending money unwisely. Hearing voices and thoughts appearing between my thoughts.) Another doctor treated my symptoms for Diabetes Insipid is. Drinking 5 liters of water per day with excessive urination at night. My kidneys were struggling. Blood in my urine. Fixated pupils, hence painful and burning eyes and blurred vision. I was continually tired due to my eyes being affected in this way. I am now controlled and on new medication, for both these disorders. It was a frightening time for me, but I now have a Caring job and am very happy. I still struggle, at times, where it feels all too much for me and it would seem easier to opt for suicide, but then I recall again when I asked my Pastoral Carer, Elaine, to give me one reason not to end my life and her reply was, "Training ground, Jenny, for the world hereafter." Then the thoughts roll in my mind, "training ground, training ground."

Because of my study on suicide, I am having doubts about actually making it to the hereafter, if I end my life. So much is said in the Bible about "he who endures." About being an overcomer and receiving the gift of eternal life. My favorite verse is the one that says that he who endures will receive a white stone with a new name that only he will know. But then again, only God knows the heart of each person. The emotional or physical pain that is so great that to take one's life seems so right. But there is always someone who is able to help us get through this tempting solution. There are so many people taking their lives. So many young people that have lost all hope. I wish I could take each one, before they do it and hold them and tell them that it's okay. That there is a way out of the darkness. The tunnel that has no light. The hopelessness. The anger at times. Suicide is a temptation. Look at what God says in the Bible about temptation, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Corinthians 10 verse 13). In all of suicide, it is only God that says that he can provide a way out. In the secular world it does not work. You eventually give in and take your life.

God is a God of miracles. That moment when you cannot go on, call on this God, this Jesus who died for you to show you that he understands your pain. It says in Matthew chapter 4, when Jesus was led into the wilderness to be tempted by Satan, he was tempted in every way we were. He must have felt our agony of suicide. How can we not believe that there is a way out. If you doubt this Jesus, then try Him. Talk to Him. Seek Him with all your heart. Find Him, by reading the Bible, beginning with the 4th chapter of the New Testament, the book of John. Jesus promises that we can sit with Him, on his throne, in the life hereafter, if we endure. What is the life hereafter? It is a life free from any negative pain. A life where all our pets will also be. Where Nature will return in fullness and beauty. But, then, you may reason, why not end life to have a new and better life? Well, in John 10 verse 10 it says, "The thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." So, here we see that it is the devil that would want to rob us of our lives, whereas Jesus would want us to live this life he has given us, by saving us on the Cross, to the full. ( The devil is a fallen angel who wanted to be greater than God.) Life is meant to be enjoyed. Life always has moments of goodness. There can be peace. No, suicide can be overcome. It is just like any illness. It can get better. Please don't misunderstand me. Life is not without it's ups and downs, but it is so much easier when you have Jesus who "sticks closer than a brother."

How can this happen, you may ask? It is actually so simple that it seems foolish. We recognize that Jesus died on a Cross to save us from this terrible dilemma and gives us a choice of asking him to become our personal Savior, freeing us from all the wrongs that we did do, coming into our hearts, which is the seat of our emotions, renewing us, freeing us, making us soar like eagles, and that He rose from the dead to prove that all this is not a dream. Listen to your heart. Seek Him with all that is within you. Don't despair. He is the living proof of life in all its fullness!

Why I wanted to be perfect was that it was the only way to get away from my intense grief at all the wrongs I had done in my life. Believe me, I was not just mentally unstable, but could not forgive myself for an insurmountable amount of, as it is called in the Bible - sin. ( Being and doing wrong.) So it was easier just to believe that I was not a sinner and not cope with the guilt of hurting other people. I reckon that's one of the reasons I cannot accept love from others or really love myself, yet.

I once stood on the roof of a house and knew within myself that God was not in this jump, so I called on the devil to help me. I sat there for many hours of the night. I did jump. Onto cement. I was hardly injured, physically. Just microscopic injury to my feet, which causes my feet to give in under me when I am trying to do too much exercise. God was good. I have worked through this episode.

Psalm 116 verses 1-11 is so profound, "I love the Lord, because he hears me; he listens to my prayers. He listens to me every time I call to him. The danger of death was all round me; the horrors of the grave closed in on me; I was filled with fear and anxiety. Then I called to the Lord, "I beg you, Lord, save me!" The Lord is merciful and good; our God is compassionate. The Lord protects the helpless; when I was in danger, he saved me. Be confident, my heart, because the Lord has been good to me. The Lord saved me from death; he stopped my tears and kept me from defeat. And so I walk in the presence of the Lord in the world of the living. I kept on believing, even when I said, "I am completely crushed," even when I was afraid and said, "No one can be trusted."

Every day has problems of its own. Every day is unique. What happens today will never happen again. We can rest assured that Jesus means it, when he says, "Not to worry." I was a bit discouraged today, so I sent a Whatsapp to Elaine - "please encourage me?" She referred me to Psalm 139. The verse that stood out for me was verse 5," You are all round me on every side; you protect me with your power." Jesus has invaluable power to help us overcome suicide.

I came across another verse in Psalm 116 which says to me that God wants us to be happy here on earth. "How painful it is to the Lord when one of his people dies." He grieves when we attempt suicide, because he gave us the gift of life...

Because I am unmarried with no siblings, I am fortunate to read and study at leisure. Most of the time I am alone now, but every so often Douglas comes to visit me and we share some chips. I keep myself busy with listening to Christian music. Christian DVD's (which Douglas brings.) My nephew and niece also share their DVD's with me. But I have to admit that the aloneness sometimes gets to me and tears do flow. I do question if I really make a difference and then it strikes me that God, in His time, will move me outward and allow me to touch lives with His guidance. For now, I am in my room with my Computer, my radio, my bed, my fridge, my kettle, my microwave, my fan, my heater, my electric blanket, my sound system, 2 lazy boy chairs, cassette music tapes, clothes, a bath & basin, and a small car. I am truly blessed! But even if God never moves me away from my room, I will always be reminded of how a flower, in a remote mountainside, blossoms so beautifully and no one ever sees it's majesty, but God sees it. And I am like that flower. If I stay close to Jesus, then Suicide will not hamper me and I know that my life is worthwhile, because the God of the Universe has seen me and is aware of each moment I breathe.

I'm not really sure if you go to heaven, if you deny Jesus the right to help you to endure and receive eternal life. I spend a lot of my time alone. Of course I get lonely! Of course I find life difficult! Of course I think it would be easier to not have to cook my own food, make sure I bath, keep my place neat, go to work, work out finances and look after my car. Of course I feel like easing the pain and ending my life! But I emphasize again, I am not sure whether I will spend time with God in the hereafter or gnash my teeth in hell, in realizing how different life could have been, had I believed on the promises of God in the Bible. So many scriptures that says we have power to overcome, so that we can have eternal life. Have I ever thought of the people I leave behind? Wondered about the questions they will ask, how they failed me, what they could have done to help? Never! My pain was too great!

But now that I know so much more, I cannot get myself to take my life. Suicide does get easier and easier if you fail and try again, but maybe I was meant to write this book for only one person who will find what I have found. Sometimes I still walk circles in my room, so undecided about what to do next. Finding it so difficult to be alive. Psalm 139 in verse 7 & 8 says it all to me, "Where could I go to escape from you? Where could I get away from your presence? If I went up to heaven, you would be there; If I lay down in the world of the dead, you would be there." We are meant to have moments of joy in our lives, that make it worthwhile. Surely God would not give us life to be unhappy most of the time. Jesus said, in the Bible, that God knows our every need. So won't He bless us? But the bottom line is, you've got to believe that Jesus can help you, otherwise you will succeed in your attempt. His promises are true!

The victory is yours in Jesus!

Psalm 30 verse 9 speaks so much to us, the suicidal. Reason like King David,

"What will you gain from my death?

What profit from my going to the grave?

Are dead people able to praise you?

Can they proclaim your unfailing goodness?"

Douglas, who suffers from deep depression, at times, said to me that in the darkest, suicidal moments, he looks back and can actually realize that there were good moments. Then he endures the depression and once he is out of it, rejuvenates himself by reading the Bible and visiting Danie, his best friend, who even suffers greater depressive moods. We all need to feel worthwhile. To mean something.

But in Jesus, if you are alone most of the time, He can infill you and help you to feel good about yourself.

To beat the darkness within.

Jesus promises that if you believe that God loved you so much that he gave His Only Son, to die in your place, you would receive eternal life. This is what it takes to claim the help we need to overcome suicide. (John 3 verse 16)

There is a beautiful verse in Psalm 27 verse 13, "I know that I will live to see the Lord's goodness in this present life."

Psalm 30 verse 6 is a verse to really seek when you see Jesus as your refuge in overcoming suicide, "I felt secure and said to myself, ' I will never be defeated.'"

What a promise for the suicidal who feels a release in Jesus where Psalm 32 verse 6 declares, "So all your loyal people should pray to you in times of need; when a great flood of trouble comes rushing in, it will not trouble them."

Look at Psalm 34 verse 19, written for us who have stopped our suicide intentions, "Good people suffer many troubles, but the Lord saves them from them all."

CHAPTER 7 SOMETHING MORE

It has been a cold and wintry day today. I went to see a dear friend, Alice, who is in frail care and terribly unhappy. She had 2 major strokes and 5 milder strokes. I held her hand and we spoke gently to each other. She wanted to know that if God is in control, would he ease her physical pain? I told her that our mortal bodies were going to waste away, but our spirit-now that is something to grow. Even if she cannot read the Bible, due to tunnel vision, God says in his word that even if we remain faithless, he remains faithful, because he cannot deny himself. God will look after us. There have to be moments, I reminded her, that makes life worthwhile. I recalled with her that this life is to prepare for the hereafter," Training ground, training ground." She felt so worthless, so I reminded her that we are the ones that need to love her. If she dies, who will we love and show our care to. We became friends while we were both in a Psychiatric hospital for a while. I took her telephone number and one specific night I phoned her, after she had been discharged. She had just taken an overdose of pills, but because of my call, her parents found her. The hospital confirmed that if she had been found 5 minutes later, she would not have made it. I cannot get to her much, now, as I live on a farm and work and petrol is so expensive, but I had a good visit with her, as I had to go into town. We once shared a flat. (Alice is now walking without assistance. And reading her Bible.)

I recall one of my suicide attempts, that I was already passing out from loss of blood and realized that I did not really want to die! I rode my car to outpatients and they admitted me and handled me very badly. I know, now, that people aren't particular to suicidal people. It remains radical and against everything that God created. Another instance I took an overdose of pills and also did not want to die, so I went to casualties and asked for a stomach pump, but they would not help me, so I went home and climbed into bed. My brother found me, barely alive, the next morning and I was taken for treatment. Again being treated with disdain. I was a terribly unhappy young adult. Events happened to me in high school that I cannot possibly describe and caused my behavioral problems and also attributed to my continued Schizo-Affective disorder. Once I even drank the urine of a woman who had jaundice. (The urine is the infectious part. ) I have been my worst enemy. In retrospect I can only thank God for protecting and sustaining me all these years. But despite all my convictions about suicide, I can only say that God would have taken me to heaven and taken my pain of my sinful life I was living in, away and the psychological pain of mental disturbance. A depressed person has no insight into the reality of suicide and can thus not be held accountable for what they do. But Jesus promises in the Bible that he will be with us always, till the end of the age. We as suicidal people need to reach out to all those that struggle with this and tell them that there is only hope to be free from these clutches in Jesus. We have all done wrong in our lives and if we cannot forgive ourselves then we will never understand that Jesus took our sin, while being nailed to a Cross, having even God reject him, because God could not look on our sin, and setting us free to be pardoned and strive towards no sinning.

One thing I have omitted to mention is that there is a further requirement to getting free from suicide. It is the infilling of the Holy Spirit, which makes us different from the world and able to discern right from wrong. Without the Spirit, we cannot fully comprehend the work of Jesus. With the Spirit, we will be able to be teachable about surrendering our pain to Jesus. The Holy Spirit is the power behind every Christian. It says in the Bible that without the Spirit, we cannot please God. Or understand the Bible.

Receiving the Holy Spirit happens when you ask Jesus into your heart. Just a gentle touching and a gentle infilling and a dynamic change in your outlook towards life, which takes time, sometimes. But the Bible becomes truth and you hunger after the message in it. Suicide becomes less of a reality as the Spirit guides you in understanding. I am often alone and my only comfort is that when I read the Bible I find the Spirit leading me to understand suicide. God remains just and fair. I can and may never judge who goes to heaven or hell, but for me, it remains unclear and uncertain.

Depression is a terrible situation. Even the great David in the Bible, who wrote most of the psalms, was stricken with it. You lose your soul. You lose all desire to live. It is like a void where you can't even think. It is an emotional pain that cannot go away, not even when there is someone who listens. It is these moments that drive us to suicide. If Jesus was tempted for 40 days in the wilderness, according to the Bible, in every way we were, then I have to believe that he suffered intense depression and suicidal thoughts. So we know that Jesus can be counted on. He rose from the dead and sits at God's right hand, doing what? The Bible says, praying for us. Surely this is a reason not to commit suicide when we know that he cares so much. I recall in most of my inexcusable sin, that I wept so often, trying to be free, but I never stopped praying to Jesus to help me, although it did not help, at that stage. It was only when I was physically taken away from my partner and that I had to rely on Jesus to get me through those lonely days of despair, realizing that I had done injustice to another person, whom God loved dearly, I was able to be loosed of this sin. But what awaited me, then was my mental illness, which will be a lifelong struggle. Now I have to watch myself or I fall into despair or become irrational.

When I am really struggling, I send a prayer to Elaine, on my cell phone, asking God to be with her, in her Pastoral Caring. She has so many responsibilities and it really helps me to know that God can use me to help her.

Being on medication has helped me settle in quite a protected work situation and I am able to care for myself without damaging any person's life. Just the Lord and I and close friends that are Christians. And family. For the moment. I cannot say what God has in store for me. All I know is that this world is getting more and more difficult to live in and therefore to lean on Jesus seems much more real than even a month ago.

I have summed up my life in Psalm 131, "Lord, I have given up my pride and turned away from my arrogance. I am not concerned with great matters or with subjects too difficult for me. Instead I am at peace. As a child lies quietly in its mother's arms, so my heart is quiet within me."

I am not going to achieve great things in my life. I am not going to convert the heathen. Instead I am going to live on the farm, in my room, and be at peace.

Currently it is January 2017. I sometimes invite Victor, a farm laborer, to come and have a simple supper with me. We watch DVD's together. When I have petrol, Victor and I worship at the Wesley Methodist church in a small suburb of Bloemfontein, where the people are friendly and real.

It is good to have a cell. I saved up and bought one. My siblings and I have a Vorster line going. We are 8 children.

Two kitties have made their home with me on the farm. They are like my children. It has also been said that animals take away the feeling of aloneness. I feel like this. I feel like I am worthwhile, because two dogs on the farm depend on me to walk them every day. They get so excited that I feel GREAT!

Paddy, the owner of the farm, gives me a cup of milk every day, straight from the cow. A definite highlight for me.

I AM BLESSED.

The testimony of my life can be summed up in Psalm 32 verses 3 - 6

"When I did not confess my sins, I was worn out from crying all day long. Day and night you punished me, Lord, my strength was completely drained, as moisture is dried up by the summer heat. Then I confessed my sins to you; I did not conceal my wrongdoings. I decided to confess them to you, and you forgave me all my sins. So all your loyal people should pray to you in times of need; when a great flood of trouble comes rushing in, it will not reach them."

It is now March 2017. I have kept down a job for a year now. My medication is perfect. I can dream dreams with Jesus now. One day, maybe in ten years from now I'd like to go into full time ministry. My hope to one-day hold dying children in my arms and just love them. Maybe into Africa. I am no longer a suicidal...

Finally. Just to encourage you with this scripture in 2 Peter 1 verse 10, " So then, my brothers and sisters, try even harder to make God's call and his choice of you a permanent experience; if you do so, you will never abandon your faith."

CHAPTER 8 POETRY

CHAPTER 9 TESTIMONIAL

Fountain Vineyard Christian Fellowship

27 March 2014

To Whom It May Concern

As Senior Pastor to Fountain Vineyard Christian Fellowship, I have been privileged to know Jenny Vorster quite well over the years.

I met Jenny in my ministry tenure in Fort Beaufort while serving the Winterberg Circuit of the Methodist Church South Africa from 1982- 1984. Subsequent to that time I have maintained a measure of contact and a form of Pastoral Care through correspondence and through Jenny's attendance at several of our Easter Camp events annually.

I met members of Jenny's family in Fort Beaufort and became acquainted with some of the background struggles and formative influences.

Jenny was very troubled in those early years. She has received much ministry and some therapy over the years.

She has an authentic relationship with Jesus Christ and sincerely seeks to walk with Him and serve Him.

Her soul pain pushes up from time to time and she cries for help. Sometimes in the early years, especially, her level of despair leaned suicidality.

I have always regarded Jenny as a wounded healer. Her compassion for others is clear.

Her own healing is enhanced by the attention to the needs of others.

She is articulate about her faith and her soul journey. She does well in a supportive environment.

My sense is that she has grown as a person and is working at better relational ways and conflict resolution.

Jenny is a very precious person on a journey of meaning and significance.

Warm Regards

Dr DJ Pedersen

CHAPTER 10 PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS

I am basing this chapter on the practical side of my experiences. I have found fundamental answers that helped me not to continue to walk the path of suicide.

Firstly, it says in 2 Corinthians 10 verse 5 to take captive our thoughts. Let me explain, I have tried not to let my reaction to negative things overwhelm me. What I have said is, "Thank You Jesus, that it is not so. Thank you Jesus that you are in control. Thank you Jesus." I would find that the thoughts that made me mistrust, react to someone, feel suicidal or accept my deep depression, would ease but I had to be patient with myself as it was difficult to change. It also says in Romans 12 verse 2 that we must have our minds renewed. I have found that if I kept thinking about positive things, I automatically stopped my suicidal thoughts.

I also discovered that I became tired of being alone. I wanted to make friends. The world did not seem as hostile as I thought. It was like coming out of a prison! People to talk to, to ease the suicidal blackness...

Ezekiel 36 verse 26 says that God will take our heart of stone away and give us a heart of flesh. We can change. Our hearts that have been so focused on suicide can change us to be gentle with ourselves. Filling us with compassion. So to encourage the suicidal, when we ask God for help, he will be with us and help us change. Do we think that Jesus could not possibly understand? In Hebrews 5 verse 7 it says that Jesus, in his life on earth, made His prayers and requests with loud cries and tears to God who could save him from death. Proving that he cares.

Are we truly seeking to be free from suicide? If we are, then the choice remains ours and nobody else's. If we can choose to want to end our lives, we can choose to want to live. In Hebrews 4 verse 16 it tells us to have confidence to approach God's throne, where there is grace. There we will receive mercy and find grace just when we need it. This means that we can ask Jesus to help us by simply asking, when we cannot do it alone anymore. In that moment he will answer. Believing is being certain he will help us out of our suicide plans or thoughts. This is called faith. Feeling the love of Jesus in all of this is knowing that God believes in our ability, as his children, to become all he created us to be and not to end our lives. Hope is wanting to believe in the life offered in the Bible, always knowing that there is something better than suicide.

Elijah, in 1 Kings chapter 19 (Old Testament, the 11th book), pleads with God to end his life. He was a great man of God, but God restores him. Then Elijah walked for 40 continuous days, in his restoration. I know that God saw his heart in his fear and agony.

Start Journaling. What I have found is that when you write down your feelings, perhaps of physical pain, your inability to cope, your hatred, your emotional pain, your anger, your grief, your unwanted child, alcohol abuse, your rape, finances, divorce, drugs, aids, old age, wrong lifestyle, bullying, cancer and so many more, it brings tremendous release. You can also write to Jesus as much as you like, whenever you feel like it, getting to know him better, so that he can help you. I write letters to Elaine my Pastoral Carer in Kwazulu, Natal. She says it is good to do this. She reads all my letters. She is too busy to answer back, but I know she prays for me daily.

If you read the book of Job, in the Old Testament, you will find that he questioned his suffering by wanting an audience with God, but God eventually lets Job know that he is in control of Job's life and

I knew then that I could, too, be released from this force that drives me to suicide. Allowing God to take control of my life.

Let someone also help you with decision making. We suicidal people tend to make impulsive decisions or we are unsure about right choices. It also encourages us to begin to make our own decisions. If we are completely alone then all I can advice, is to persevere to know this friend, Jesus, who strikes back at the darkness within us. By reading the Bible helps us to have good morals and find out what is for our best interest.

Because I am alone most of the time, I read a lot and listen to the radio. I also have a tape recorder and I tape music from the radio.

2 Corinthians 4 verse 8 and 9 says that "we are often troubled, but not crushed; sometimes in doubt, but never in despair; there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend; and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed." Let's make this passage the essence of our changed lives. Never having to look back again. Let's use our suicidal experiences to help give back this new life to those who walk behind us.

Having to live one moment at a time. How does that affect us? We tend to worry and get uptight about the future, be it one hour, one day or even a lifetime. We think of the two words, "What if." It makes us very negative and we think that there is no one who can see how afraid we are. Hence a feeling of utter despair and suicide ideation. I have found that Jesus does get me out from this dark and dismal place by allowing something good to happen, like hearing that someone is coming to visit me or my cats come and lie in my room or I just read a verse in my Bible, making me strong enough to believe in that one moment again. I keep telling myself things like the winter is far away and although I will get very, very cold, I will cross that bridge when it comes. Right now I must concentrate on coping with the heat. I am fortunate to have a fan when the temperatures get to even 40 degrees in Bloemfontein. Then I must also get my food ready for work and take the dogs for a walk. Take my medication. And go to bed early enough to have a good day at work. So I live in the moment, making the most of it. One thing at a time.

Another possible reason for suicide is when we think that someone has let us down. This may be a person who we confided in or a friend. Or just a general feeling that no one has heard us. We will need to learn to be patient with ourselves, by waiting for that confidante or friend to contact us and explain themselves to us or to just forget about the hurt for a while. Or feel that we are important enough that God is out there hearing our incessant sobs of misery. This is so difficult as we feel quite mixed up. So, how do we get out of this dilemma? I have found that if I concentrate on something else or keep busy at work or at home, I would feel Jesus help me change my mind. I call him the only friend that never lets me down. If we feel that God himself has let us down, then I must just add that our conception of God needs to be altered. He cares through people, animals and nature.

Jesus loved me so much that he died a lonely death on a Crucifix. He forgave every wrong act I have ever done but He had an ultimatum, Love him. Accept this gift of himself. To find him, you must imagine talking to someone invisible. He will answer through your mind, other people, the Bible and a still small voice that you just know that you know that it is him. Don't give in to suicide. Try Jesus. Give him a chance.

I believe that we who seek ways out of suicide are also a special part of the family of God. Jesus says in Matthew 5 verse 9 that, "Happy are those who work for peace because they will be called children of God." Getting out of suicide can offer us tremendous peace. How wonderful to be called God's children, when we feel utterly rejected and alone.

Try and get some Christian music or just read Christian songs on paper. It is amazing how we could benefit from just listening or singing uplifting music. (Making us feel calmer and less stressed.)

I am sure that you have heard the saying that if you were the only person on earth, Jesus would still have died for you. So we don't have to die or punish ourselves for how we feel. We are free to live a full life. We are unique, because there IS no one like us! All his love and care can be summed up in one word for us, HOPE. If Jesus can't lift us from our hopelessness, then his friendship with us is misunderstood, because he will never stop caring from his side, no matter what we do, how we do it and where we do it. But the real truth is, that we have to choose to give him a chance. He wants to prove to you that there is none like him and none like you. Choose him today. And slowly your suicide attempts will ease and you will be able to live the life that Jesus created you to be!

If you are carrying your suicide intentions alone or if you have unsuccessfully attempted suicide, I urge you to confide in someone you can trust or if you are so alone that there is no-one to talk to, go on your knees and with your whole self, cry out to Jesus! Even if you do it in a whisper, he will hear you. Give him your wishes to end it all. Tell him that you really want to end your life. If you are scared, he will bring a sense of calmness over you. You must want it so badly that you will try this.

In my own dealings with suicide, it helped a lot to write down how I am feeling and then look at exactly what it was that was too big for me to overcome. I would then break down the enormity of my feelings, like building a puzzle from the beginning and when all the pieces fitted together, it seemed so obvious that I got carried away by making my problems just too big.

If I had someone who could have given me the advice I am giving you, then it would have stopped me from many years of inner pain and conflict. Calling to Jesus will work. Searching with all you have, for answers with Jesus, will work. I have often wondered how different my life could have been if someone/anyone had helped me discover all this information earlier in my life. Why did I have to go through all this anguish? I know. So that you, the reader will be spared to ever walk the path of loneliness in your suicide feelings. May Jesus answer you today!

What I have to admit to you, my reader, is that I am on medication for Schizo-Affective Disorder. Medication makes the deep pain of aloneness ease a bit, and it did not take long for me to adjust to it.

I can only say that our Lord used medication for me because he knew I was needful of it. I have sought help from some Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Dave Pedersen, a Pastoral Carer - Elaine, and real Christians, to help me cope with the depression which otherwise would have led to my eventual suicide. But I have also been completely alone in my pain, at times.

Sometimes, when the emotional pain becomes too much and we, for some or other reason, do not want to take such a drastic step such as suicide, tend to inflict pain on ourselves. Be it cutting ourselves badly or just a small cut, the feeling of release of guilt is real. We see our cut and we get out of our deep darkness. Our mood lifts. We are happy and carefree. But later the remorse comes back, the feeling of regret, and when we dare to share this cutting with anyone, we are told to "pull ourselves together." Or often, while landing in hospital, to be stitched up, we feel isolated. Helpers don't understand. Hence we are often left with our own feelings and our thoughts. Unable to sort out the mess we have spiraled into. But let me encourage you as my inner and outer scars healed and Jesus actually made me forget about all the guilt and remorse. I do not cut myself anymore as Jesus has taken this need away. He did this by making me realize that he has such compassion for me and already bore my pain by feeling the nails that they hammered into his hands while crucifying him. I carry numerous scars on both of my lower arms and am only aware of them when others point them out. But I am acutely aware to not dwell on my past pain. Isaiah 43 verse 18 says that we must not cling to events of the past, or dwell on what happened long ago.

Once again I must say that it is when I was told that I must not be filled with "self pity", in the depths of my despair, that I cannot begin to recall the hurt this caused me, when so called helpers did not know how to guide me. What I have learned is to give Jesus all my hurts and forgive those who misunderstood me. As were the words of Jesus, who was perfect, hanging on the Crucifix, while the mob mocked him and wanted him dead, when he had done no wrong, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do!" I have actually learned not to talk about myself to just anyone. I have got tired of listening to myself talk about myself! I try now to look, mostly, for help in the Bible. Or read motivational books.

I have learned to recognize the needs in others and ask them how they are. To listen. Even if I only see one other person, I seek out their need and focus on them. To keep busy from getting away from myself, I try to read, go for a walk, look after someone, use my cell phone to send a message, do handwork, pray, listen to music and journal.

I also have a list of people I pray for and it gives me great pleasure to tell people that I pray for them, knowing that my, seemingly insignificant prayers, do make a difference. But many people also don't know I pray for them. This can also be a great help if you see very few or no people. Jesus does hear. But I also pray for myself. Here is where I come and often meet my Jesus without pretense and I often travail for my own life that seems complicated due to everything that I have to learn about myself. Also to understand this new way by having chosen Jesus.

One of the issues I have had to deal with is people speaking into my life and correcting me. It just seemed so pointless to feel right about being wrong, so I decided to try and be perfect and my goodness did I fall hard! My thoughts, at the slightest reproach, would run my self-worth down terribly and would drive me crazy, as I added "tails" onto what was actually meant and what I thought was said. I would think that they did not understand me. That they did not care, that they were out to get me. My only advice is to go to the person who corrected you and get some clear understanding of the first conversation. If you can't do this, then write down what was said and what you think was said and find a neutral standpoint, keeping the good and letting go of the bad. What does not build you up, disclaim. (Even a suicidal thought can creep in here or feeling depressed and negative.) What would Jesus want of us? My dear friend always said to me, "I don't understand your language," when I spoke in this way, having my thoughts swirl around onto her. This made me realize that Jesus would want us to give the benefit of the doubt to the person who said something and give him the "tails" we add on. Travail before him. A sense of calmness will follow. I know. I have tried it. But I also voice my pain if I happen to have a listening ear. Usually they point me back to the way I really complicated the issue. I have a tendency to weep when I get emotional. My many suicide attempts have made me very sensitive to hurts in my life and that of others.

The urgency in this chapter is that if for one brief second your world falls apart or it seems as if your world is falling apart and you feel that you cannot cope anymore. That it is all too much. That it is better to end your life. Then say "Thank you" to Jesus that he can take these thoughts away. "Thank you" that you do not have to think this way. "Thank you" that he understands how you feel. "Thank you" that there is another way out, rather than suicide. Just remember that no matter what - Jesus can provide a way out. If you are angry, disappointed or cannot forgive, once again, break it down and look at why you feel like ending it. What did you think just before this suicidal thought and what happened to change your mind so suddenly? You'll probably think of the possibility of suicide, but stop yourself and say "In Jesus Name I don't accept this!"

The name of Jesus is the most powerful weapon you will ever have to help you, but without believing that he can make a difference, it will be fatal. I will say boldly that none of us really want to die. If the suicidal feeling still has a terrible hold on you and there is no one to talk to and you really think there is no way out, go on your knees somewhere alone. Cry out to Jesus. Tell him what you want to do. How you want to do it. When you have thought to end it all and plead with him to help you. Jesus wants us to know that we need not be afraid. Isaiah 43 verse 4(a) says that he will give up whole nations to save your life. And hold onto this moment. It will save your life. Ask Jesus for the courage to rather live.

Even if you get out of the grip of suicide, everything may seem exactly the same as before but you will have found that Jesus can pull you up every time. That he helps you cope within your circumstances, not make them disappear. If you don't have Jesus, you will not stop from always wanting to end your life, and you will be unable to see his love and care that will change how you choose to become.

My book would have been incomplete if, after 2 months of reeling in confusion, I did not add the following, One more reason for suicide, sometimes so subtle that once you are in its spiral, you cannot stay objective. You seem to know that Jesus is with you. In fact, He is, but your whole perspective is taken over by assuming things for or on behalf of other people. You actually think what you think other people are thinking, is correct. It is overwhelming and you really believe, while you are in the situation, that people are reacting against you. That you think that they think that you are not good enough. The really sad happening is that you have no idea that you are doing it. You are deprived of sleep. You cope by spinning into high energy levels. Your sense of rationalization gets thrown into disarray. You also, then, try and please everyone. Trying to be good enough, so that whatever you think others are thinking will not let them hate you. Such extreme thoughts. Eventually you are so tired that you are exhausted. That your mood turns into a physical problem. You feel so tired that you want to explode. You cannot sleep anymore. You have fleeting thoughts of suicide and get depressed during the day, sadly again, having no idea what is going on. Not that you need medication, but something was wrong and that due to this, you get diagnosed with "Burnout." The only solution is to isolate yourself from your work or from your surroundings. A Physician can prescribe rest for you. For me, some friends offered their home to me for 2 nights and I spent 2 days listening to Christian music. Away from my job. Reading my Bible. Showering. Sleeping. Watching videos. I realized that Jesus was actually my Inside friend, at all times. That I need not perform or please anyone or worry too much about anything, that my intense struggle with this suicidal moment ended. I kept reading my Bible and drawing all I could from it.

The Bible states over and over, not to worry. In psalm 23 it says that God leads you beside still waters. The problem I now face is that I resigned from my work through lack of insight. I made the choice and now I have to start at the very beginning. How do I cope? Here again my only option seemed suicide...

I had the privilege, as a suicidal Christian, belonging to a church, Umhlali Methodist, Ballito, and having a support group, to accept the following advice from the Pastoral Carer, Elaine, "Suicide will make me lose out on so much training and preparation for eternity." This insight seemed just the right advice. At that very moment I saw the meaning of my existence so clearly. I am reminded of storing up treasures in heaven, where no moth or rust can affect them, which will be like being kind to people, sharing my love, enjoying animals, and finding God in Nature. Also cultivating the fruits of the Spirit which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self - control. I am all in all in Jesus. So he will make me the person he has created me to be. I am only good in him. I am not bad. My suicide has been overcome. There is a reason why I am still alive. Jesus will show me. I need not be afraid. He has called me by name. I am his.

Every day brings with it more complications and needs, but how wonderful that even if we do not learn from our mistakes, that Jesus starts every day afresh with us. Each day He is willing to teach us about ourselves, others and the world around us. He never gives up on us. Jesus healed thousands and thousands of every illness when he walked the earth. Then these very same people turned against him, mocked him, asking him where his Father was who could help him when he was pinned to a Cross like an outlaw. Jesus understands our suffering and truly wants to help us, even when we can't. The Bible says in 2 Timothy 2 verse 13 that even if we are faithless, he remains faithful because he cannot be false to himself as he is perfectly able to love us with his whole heart. So Jesus prays for us, wanting to let us know that he has not forgotten us. What can I say. Suicide does not remain an option. You may think of it, but never have to actually give in to it anymore...

There is of course another whole aspect to suicide that I have to mention here, otherwise I cannot say I have helped in every way. If you still cannot get the thoughts of suicide away and you have tried, unsuccessfully, to apply my suggestions, then I have to ask you to go and see a Psychiatrist who will put you on some form of medication. I must take the liberty to say that medication will definitely ease your feelings of suicide, but the reasons on how to cope while on medication, remains the same as the above mentioned pages. Nothing in life ultimately makes sense unless you have Jesus as your helper.

I quote from 1 Thessalonians 5 verse 23 and 24,"May the God who gives us peace make you holy in every way and keep your whole being - spirit, soul and body - free from every fault at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you will do it, because he is faithful." Jesus is coming again. To fetch us. For me, as a suicidal, this means that I have unbelievable hope in Jesus, who not only sustains me in this world, but also to a life after physical death, where there will be no more struggles with suicide.

The basis of the Christian faith is that Jesus loved us so much that he gave his life for us. Greater than Eternal life or any material gain. This love is manifest by his promise of being with us each moment of the day. He is God. He was God in human form. He understands us. So how we can, as a suicidal, say there is no one who has walked in our shoes. Is this not what we yearn for? To be loved. To be understood. So, life in fullness is ours. We are not alone forever...

Sleeping problems, I sometimes don't sleep for a whole night and have to go to work the next day. I have found that if I lie very still in my bed and just breathe in and out slowly and follow the rhythm, I can relax and sometimes fall asleep. When you do this, your mind automatically goes dark. But sometimes I just relax my body and lie very still and my mind is racing with thoughts, worries and such, but in the morning I find that I can arise and work a full day. I actually trick my mind into believing I have slept. I usually sleep better the following night.

My friend, Douglas, has also helped me eat correctly. This is so important as junk food is not good for the suicidal person. But as the saying goes, "Everything in moderation." I eat brown rice and steam my vegetables.

CHAPTER 11 SUFFERING

Life is inadequate! Yet I must trust God. Is my suffering worth something? Who will bring me close to God to mediate my suffering? The Redeemer is Jesus. Will I ever be the same if I allow Him to touch my suffering? My suffering is not under control. There is righteous suffering because of human evil. This I know. How can I get beyond this suffering? I don't have an answer, yet. I feel far from God, but this remains only a feeling...

Sometimes I had good times in my life, but I am ready to perish now. I have no confidence in my life. I do not feel strong. God, surely you have not forsaken me? The Lord lifts up and the Lord puts down, blessed be the name of the Lord. I have lost respect for myself. Am I really close to you, God? Will I make it? God, I call to you. I am like a feather in the wind. Hope is far from me. What is the point of my suffering? My heart is failing. Where is my sin? Am I lustful or deceitful? Is there any iniquity in me? God, I present my life before you. Look at me! I am a suicidal...

Have I been selfish, Lord? Have I been living just for myself? There seems no answer for me from heaven. But, at least, I call on you. At least I see you. Tell me what's going on? I don't know. I do not trust myself. But I don't feel you, yet, God. I know you are awesome, holy, good. You blessed me by showing me Jesus. I don't deserve your love, yet you see me. You made me. God, you don't have to do anything for me. Yet you want to help me through my suffering...

I live in a fallen world. Don't judge me by my moods, God. I need the Advocate, Jesus, because I cannot do anything by myself. Jesus, stand in the gap. I am a failure. I have flopped. But Jesus, you care for me. You do not judge me by my feelings...My suffering is real. I am worthless. I feel so far from everything and you, Jesus. Strip me. Show me how to get back to you? May I ask what's going on, dear Jesus? Could you heal me on the inside, so that I will be okay on the outside, to. Why must I go through all this suffering? I feel so alone. I want you to show me the way out of this suffering, Jesus? I want you to put your love in me. Could you help me to love you, despite the feelings of suicide?

Could there be some purpose for my suffering? Surely I am not destitute. Show me, now, Jesus. I am frail with worry. Surely it is not right to be so miserable. Surely my suffering will change me. Surely, Jesus, you relate to me. Surely God is acquainted with all my suffering. I will now be quiet before you, God. Speak to me,

God, you are never wrong. You will never condemn me. You are always available. To speak to. To listen. To guide me. In my pain I hear you. I know that some suffering is to prevent me from doing evil. Maybe my suffering has caused me to sin. Then help me rise above it, dear God. Let me not go astray in my suffering. Lead me to you. What is your answer to me?

I must realize that you became man for me to understand you, Jesus wants to free me from suicide. To start again. To restore my joy. To not have suffered in vain. To leave all pain in his hands. And to remember,

Even if I don't understand, God will punish evil and reward good. He is free to do as He likes. He has no boss. He is under no obligation to do anything. But He remains fair. Mercy and goodness are synonymous with God. People don't want God anymore, but God is speaking to me. I will try not to sin. I have actually been given understanding in my suffering, freely, in Jesus.

I know you listen, God. No matter what, you are right. Let me never become bitter towards you. All my suffering is for good and I must believe that you do not punish me for my questions.

God, you are in control of everything in this world, even if it does not seem so. Even my suffering. I am not going to ask you why. Let me get things in perspective. Correct me in my suffering. Show me your heart. Always. Nothing you do is wrong. Ever. Talk to me in my suffering. You know my heart. I do trust you, God. You will see me through this. You wanted to create me and bless me. I freely allow you to do all you need to do to help me.

I cannot justify these feelings and sufferings, dear God. I could only see my need. My situation. Fit me into the greater plan, now, God. In Jesus. I will retract my feelings of bitterness and dejection and my feelings of suicide. So call me your child now, dear God. I know that all my suffering will heal me. I love you, God. You loved me first. I've heard about you, but now I see you! I stop trying to opt for self-death.

I feel you, Jesus!

CHAPTER 12 DAVE PEDERSEN(pedersen.dj@gmail.com)

"Dad's missing!"

Those were the anxious words of my mother on the phone to me on Friday 23 July 1982 as I sat in the kitchen of our Fort Beaufort home talking to my wife, Colleen and her father.

I jumped in my car and so with the help of friends, began a 15-hour search for my father. I drove all over the Grahamstown area, reaching down to Port Alfred and Port Elizabeth.

On Saturday his car was spotted by a search plane, on the mountain, in a thick bush, on the outskirts of Grahamstown and the position was radioed through to me. My brother, Peter and I, drove as close as we could to the spot and jumped out and ran through the bush and found the car.

There was a hosepipe running from the exhaust. The car was locked and running. Dad was lying on the back seat. I could see his perspiration. Not wanting to waste any time, I stood back and kicked the window in, to reach him. There was an unusually strong sense that this was to be a defining action. It seemed the Lord was saying, "Dave, just like you kicked in this window, to bring reality to an unreal situation, know that I am calling you to do life and ministry, like that, too. Waste no time accommodating unreality."

Dad's perspiration was cold. He probably died earlier that morning.

Why??????????

Some ten days, prior, my two brothers and I had gone mountain hiking with Dad at Hogsback. Being aware of his depressed disposition, we tried inviting him to talk about it. He answered me saying, "You guys are a lucky generation- you have words for your feelings. I don't."

He had been a gunner in the Air Force at the tail end of World War Two. He and many in his generation believed that "men don't cry." In fact, he used to say, jokingly, that when Hitler heard him coming, he shut down the war!

They stuffed their feelings and soul difficulties down, hoping that the problem would just go away.

The night before Dad went missing, I had called him and offered to help with some of his workload. He was a Methodist Minister at the Commem Circuit, as was I, in the Winterberg Circuit. I had been aware that he carried an excessive amount of responsibilities. (After his death, I believe his roles were shared out between six people.) He was very excited about my offer to assist with the Youth, Students and Soldiers (having myself served in the SA Defense Force and further qualified as a military Chaplain.) We discussed these things over the phone and he was delighted at the thought of some father- son teamwork.

So his death hit me as totally incongruent. I found some safe men, who walked with me, as I verbalized my angers and bewilderments, over the next month, in particular.

In our quest to find Dad, we checked his appointment book and called some of about ten people he had ministered to, that Friday. They all said that they had found him very helpful. Gloria, the domestic worker, said that she had seen him load the hosepipe into his car and wave, "Goodbye Gloria." to her.

How does a man who spends the day fruitfully helping people in their soul journeys, get to behave so incongruently?

Well, I reached for Dad's journals to try and make sense of it all. There I found, among other notes, this statement, "I find it very comfortable to wear a mask. In my earliest years I learned this skill, after crying for someone to ask me how I really was inside- and no- one ever did. Now I don't cry anymore. Or do anything. I just wear the mask and long for death.

I further discovered that Dad had appealed to his superiors, who just encouraged him to "put his uniform on and go back to work."

So, where did this pain originate?

Around that time, a probably well- meaning "comforter" approached me and said, Dave, I am very worried about you. You are so like your Dad. You are going to go the same way.

I couldn't deny the similarities- similar callings, temperaments and probably much more- but I determined to unpack this stuff and leave a different legacy. I had to work out my anger and deep sense of betrayal. I began to hear the Lord whisper to me,

"Don't shoot the postman. I sent him to you!"

I began to research our generational histories and found out that for four generations we had suffered what are recognized as "mother's wounds." Mothers had abandoned their offspring by divorce, death or detachment. Dad's mother had died when he was a baby and his father remarried. The new stepmother never connected with young Erik. His father was very deaf and could not relate easily, hence the disconnection.

This early life experience of separation has been widely recognized as predisposing the sufferers to depression. The pain caused by this pervading sense of abandonment is so acute that it violates one's sense of person hood. As we say in Africa, with reference to "Ubuntu," a person is a person through other people.

I discovered that my Danish forefathers all tried to alleviate their abandonment pain in different ways.

My great grandfather took his disconnection to the sea- he became a North Sea fisherman for up to eleven months of the year, so that he could avoid the difficulties of relationship.

My grandfather left the village of Skagen, in Northern Denmark, as soon as he finished school and came out as a sixteen-year-old immigrant to South Africa, in 1899, to start a new life, free of complicating relationships.

My father took his abandonment wound into the ministry, hoping, I suppose, that by helping others he might help himself.

Somehow the great danger is the pretense, the mask wearing, as Dad called it. Ironically, in his journaling attempt to analyze his state, he wrote, "Suicide? I could never do that. It would be a denial of all I have stood for and preached for thirty-six years."

Yet he did.

This I ascribe to the disconnect that happens when we wear masks. The gap between the real self and the pretend self becomes untenable and we become liable to irrationality.

As we reflect on this story, there are many helpful lessons to enable us to go forward. Here are a few pointers to Healing from Depression.

1. Legitimate needs

I have often wondered how my Dad could have been helped if his needs could have been legitimated. Our souls are meant to be in relationship. We have been made for connection. No man is an island unto himself. Ubuntu teaches us that a person is a person through other people. It is unhealthy for a child not to be appropriately needy- for adults too! We need our person hood to be validated.

2. Break Denial

No mask wearing! Breaking with denial and admitting our needs, affords us a gateway to authentic healing relationships. The appreciation of truth based reflections is also a significant therapy for our deceptions and depressions.

3. Healthy Church

In my own journey of processing and unpacking this abandonment legacy, I have been both deeply challenged and greatly assisted by the values of a healthy church, such as Fountain Vineyard in Port Elizabeth. This is a community of friends who value "Being" above doing. People are encouraged to connect with Jesus and find healing for both Mother wounds and Father wounds.

In the richness of Grace- based Christian fellowship, the healing journey can find traction.

4. Medication

Under wise professional supervision, medication can be a great aid in overcoming depression, as it assists in creating space to deal with the cognitive and behavioral elements.

5. Thought Control

The book of proverbs says " As a man thinks, so is he." We become what we think about. We can choose our thoughts

If we sow a thought, we reap an act.

If we sow an act, we reap a habit.

If we sow a habit, we reap a lifestyle.

If we sow a lifestyle we reap a destiny.

If we entertain Spirit- given thoughts, we will reap the fruit of the Spirit.

The alternative is the fruit of the flesh, resulting in despair.

To cultivate a healthy mental diet, we do well to respond to these scriptures

"You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is set on you, because he trusts in you." (Psalm 26v3)

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. (Philippians 4v8)

6. Be born again!

It all starts with receiving the Lord Jesus in your life and being born again. He is the cornerstone for changes in our lives. When we put our trust in Him, we start a new life of companionship with God. We are never again alone. We enjoy life in conversation with Him. His peace and joy becomes ours.

In fact, three things begin to happen

\- We live with new intention, to follow Him and become like Him.

\- We become integrated with others. Our relationships are healed, deepened and broadened. We become part of His family. We are not alone.

\- We find we have influence, we work and live not for ourselves alone, but as salt and light, we help change the world!

7. Lifestyle changes

Our souls need nurturing. This will often require that we adjust our lifestyles in ways that sustain our souls and make us less vulnerable on running on empty, to depression.

May the Lord bless and empower you to do life with Him, celebrative.

CHAPTER 13 CONCLUSION

I have so much to add to conclude with as the year 2017 nearly draws to a close. I am so content and happy. Our Lord has blessed me with so many friends from old ones to new ones. I have contact with them on my cell phone, those far away and those here in Bloemfontein, I try and visit. Suicide is so far removed from me now. I never think of it anymore. I see obstacles as a challenge, in Christ. He sustains me. He pulls me through. He teaches me. I live in Him.

I firstly want to mention my dear friend, Aggie, who has stood by me when I was confused and very ill, in 2015, just before leaving Ballito. She would let me sit with her every morning and give me breakfast and chat to me for as long as I wanted to. We correspond through whattsapp and we phone each other from time to time. Aggie loves Jesus so much. My sister, Brenda first introduced me to Aggie in 2014. She is one of the kindest Indians I have ever met.

Then I mention my fellowship leaders from Ballito. Des and Paddy Gallotti. Oh the joy of keeping contact with them. Des builds houses and Paddy serves the Umhlali Methodist as a deacon.

There is Winnie, whom I opened my heart to about my sinful past and she never condemned me. Winnie put her prejudges aside and listened to me. I keep contact with her by cell. She has many issues to work through but we are all in the process of growing in Jesus. She is also in Ballito.

Vera is Ellen's daughter. I met her when Ellen was in ICU and died shortly afterwards. Vera loves Jesus so much. She still sends me Christian videos and encouraging messages. I used to take Ellen to the shopping mall in Ballito and treat her to a Wimpy coffee with a balloon and as we walked through the shops, a chocolate and a packet of chips. Ellen taught me so much about perseverance as she was in a home, in a wheelchair and 95 years old. She would love going to church with me.

Martie, from Ballito, is another dear friend. She is a gentle and humble soul.

She also sends me encouraging videos and clips. She and her husband had to leave

Zimbabwe as he had to be near a good hospital. He had a brain aneurism.

Then to mention Elaine again. The long letters I write to her, telling her of my day and all the happenings in my life. I share scripture verses with her. My heartaches. My joys. It is like journaling. I know that she only gets my letters about every 10 days.

But then I know she prays earnestly for me and the Bible says that the prayers of a righteous person availeth much.

I must not forget to mention my siblings again. Kathy, Dan, Brenda, Philip, Frank, Zita and Sidney Vorster. Oh, the priceless gift of family that our Lord has blessed me with. Our Vorster line buzzes every day as we share our lives with each other. We are planning a re-union on the weekend of 28/29 April 2018.

I have also made friends, by cell, with Martha, Kobie. Marieta and Mart Louise from Koppies. I Cared for their terminal friend, Martie.

My friends in Bloemfontein have been rekindled by firstly contacting Anel who is a Nursing Sister and works so hard. I see her as often as time allows. She loves Jesus so much and lives with her Mom who has been her mentor from childhood. Anel and I have known each other for many many years.

Then there is Alta, whom I have also known for about 20 years. She is happily married. Has wonderful dogs as companions, especially Dolfie. And her husband, Loutjie, is a farmer. She loves Jesus,too.

I have also made friends with Terence, Yolande and Hansie that live on Paddy's farm,too. They are very special people. Terence is an artist. Yolande is a graphic artist and is finalizing my book and Hansie is a lost soul, whom I hope will find Jesus. He says his life has been too difficult to allow Jesus in. Paddy and I are also speaking more nowadays. I have just said thank you to her for giving me a home on the farm.

Allie and Doug are very close to my heart. Allie, I mentioned, is very frail. Well she has regressed a bit and can only walk short distances with support. But she can still read to a certain degree. I really try and bring her out to my room on the farm every so often. I now fellowship at Doug's home cell. I have made friends with the fellowship people, Danie, Christelle, Pieter, Christa and their children. I get sound teachings. Danie always supplies me with Dvd's of good preachers. It is good to know that I am in secure hands concerning the exposition of the Bible.

Then I have made friends with Annamarie and her family who are such tender souls. They are so kind to me. I enjoy being in their company so much because Jesus just rubs off from them.

I have made friends with Mariette and Nita whose terminal mother I cared for.

Vince is a Catholic and we sometimes have a breakfast special together. It is good to chat to him.

Karin is another old friend that has come back into my life. She has never condemned me and has only shown me the unconditional love of Jesus. Her daughter's husband committed suicide.

Victor, the farm worker, often comes to my room. We watch Dvd's together and share supper. His family lives in Botshabelo and he has named his last child Jenny. He sees his family every 2 weeks.

I have also received a message from Martie saying the following, "There is a miracle called friendship that dwells within the heart and you don't know how it happens or when it even starts. But the happiness it brings you always gives a special lift and you realize that Friendship is God's most precious gift."

I only buy R59 data a month and it suffices me. I am still alone most of the time. I read my Bible at every opportunity. When I have work, I work with all my heart. When you Care, people die and you move on. You always have to work through loss which is so painful, but it says that God bottles your tears. You, then, wait on our Lord to supply you with work and finances to have food and clothes and whatever you may need. I live a simple life. I ask no more of Jesus as He guides me into all truth, leading me forward in the Bible. I know the Bible is the only book, of all religions, inspired by God. I don't question it. I know every word is true. There is only one way to eternal happiness and that is through my Lord, Jesus Christ.

So, my last and final word to the suicidal, You can overcome this horrible monster. It takes time to get your mind focused on other things. It takes time to trust anyone. It takes time to get yourself lifted from always looking inward, to see the world around you differently, in Christ. He brings people across your path that will fight your battles with you. That will take time to listen. Don't take your life, please. Just, in those moments of depression or despair, just call on Jesus as your last resort and wait on him. Trust him to send you an answer. Give him some time to reshape your life. Start reading the Bible. You have absolutely nothing to lose. Your life is so messed up, it cannot get any worse. And as you accept this Jesus to change you, set your mind on the wonderful good news that eternity awaits you, even if your circumstances remain harsh and unbearable. Jesus will slowly begin changing you from the inside. He always listens to our cries of desperation. If suicide is the only option you see, please, please just wait for a day or a week, so that you give Jesus a chance to reach you. He can overcome any obstacle with you. He died an unbearable death on the Cross.

He understands your pain better than anyone. He died so that you may live. I pray for all the suicidals in this world. I pray that you will find your way to recovery. Your answer in your darkest moment.

