 
**D. O. R. X.

**_How Captain Dweezil Saved the Querx Galaxy  
and Still Made It Home in Time for Lunch_

by Richard Clark

Cover design by Rich Murray

Copyright © 2020 Richard Clark

Published by Richard Clark

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AFTER CHAPTER 1!

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapter 1: An Introduction

Chapter 2: Deep Trouble in Deep Space

Chapter 3: Welcome to the Floozeum

Chapter 4: The Middle Child

Chapter 5: A Bad Larp for Borzogs

Chapter 6: Q.U.A.K.S.S. Rejects

Chapter 7: Glory Larps

Chapter 8: Our Arch-Enemy

Chapter 9: A Sylopian Nightmare

Chapter 10: A Sylopian Success

Chapter 11: Zug Drops a Bomb

Chapter 12: Build the Fence!

Chapter 13: A Big Dweeboo-boo

Chapter 14: An Uprising Down Below

Chapter 15: Angering the Blotz

Chapter 16: On the Run

Chapter 17: A Change of Plans

Chapter 18: Lots of Zugs

Chapter 19: To the Zugmobile!

Chapter 20: Saving the Galaxy

Chapter 21: Just a Boy

Chapter 22: We Learn Our Fate

Chapter 23: Welcome to Sheeznok Island

Chapter 24: Out for a Spin

Chapter 25: A New Rescue Mission!

Chapter 26: A Ticklish Situation

Chapter 27: Too Many Monkeys

Chapter 28: The Jungle Awakens

Chapter 29: The Drone Wars

Chapter 30: A Blotz on All Your Plans

Chapter 31: We Get Snerted

Chapter 32: Spreadable Doom

Chapter 33: We Get Our Due

Chapter 34: A Face Full of Flimso-pods

Glossary

About the Author

Connect with Richard Clark
CHAPTER 1: An Introduction

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Flerpia. From Zisnak 7 in quadrant 26.4 of the Querx Galaxy.

Zisnakians are peace-loving, generous and respectful of other planets (the nice ones, anyway). I grew up with a deep desire to spread good will to all in the galaxy. Which is why I enrolled in the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Academy when I came of age.

And why I dropped out of the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Academy only five morblats later.

Q.U.A.K.S.S., as you know, stands for the Querxian Universal Alliance to Keep Space Safe. But don't let the name fool you. Sure, they started off nibzats ago with good intentions, but today they wield too much power.

And they're just plain stupid!

But let's forget about Q.U.A.K.S.S. for now. This story isn't about them or even about me.

This story is about the greatest hero the Querx Galaxy has ever had.

I speak, of course, of CAPTAIN DWEEZIL, HERO OF THE GOOD!

Yes, the Captain Dweezil who took on the entire army of Lorzak 8 using only one tribno-blaster!

The Captain Dweezil who overcame the teeming Plort hordes by fashioning a jetpack out of a can of Velblot beans!

The Captain Dweezil who freed the Wadlobian Ambassador from the one-eyed Blot and got home in time for lunch! (He really likes lunch.)

I know, why am I telling you about someone you already know so much about? After all, what denizen of the Querx Galaxy can't recite every detail of the courageous exploits of our greatest hero?

Well, we all know him now, but there was a time when Captain Dweezil, hero of the good, was just Dweezil, a young boy trying to find his way in the galaxy.

And this is that young boy's story.
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CHAPTER 2: Deep Trouble in Deep Space

It all started with my comrades and me being attacked by a squadron of Borzog fighters.

_PZLAM!_ We got hit by a Borzog blast from behind, never a pleasant experience. In fact, it rated even lower than being forced to eat a bowl of Borzog stew. _Yech!_

But the shock was even worse than normal because our mighty starship, the venerable Floozeum, wasn't exactly straight out of the showroom. In fact, I calculated the ship could take 3.4 more Borzog blasts and it would be over for us.

Who was "us", you ask?

We were the O.R.X., the Order of Rebel Xenophiles!

There was Oogle the Klertzian; King Norzat, former ruler of Shamzat 4; Zug from the planet Zug; and me, Flerpia the Zisnakian. Oogle and Zug were dropouts of the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Academy just like me. King Norzat we picked up on one of our missions when his people chased him off his planet. (He was really a lousy king.)

We'd all formed the O.R.X. when we decided the Querx Galaxy needed a better peacekeeping force than Q.U.A.K.S.S. And even though our very existence violated Q.U.A.K.S.S. Directive 46.3, we'd spent several nibzats traveling throughout the galaxy, coming to the aid of needy aliens everywhere.

But we'd never been able to choose a leader.

We tried Oogle as our Captain for a while, but all Klertzians have two brains (one male, one female) so he/she could never make up their minds.

King Norzat insisted on being the Captain after that, but we very quickly discovered why he was kicked off Shamzat 4 by a screaming mob of angry Shamzatians.

Even I tried to be the Captain of the O.R.X., but when you're so small you can barely sit up in a chair, it makes it very hard for people to respect you.

It was kind of a depressing larp when we made Zug our Captain. And I'm not just talking about his hands-for-feet and feet-for-hands thing. Zug's idea of commanding a starship mainly involved ordering the rest of us to bring him an endless supply of crispy Quelzops on a stick. When we finally ran out of Quelzops, Zug decided to quit.

It was becoming very clear that we had to find a leader from outside our group. So I started scanning the galacti-net, hoping I'd find someone somewhere in the galaxy who could bring some order to our little clan of do-gooders.

And that's how, right in the middle of the Borzog attack, I found Captain Dweezil.

"I got the guy!" I called out, scanning my computer screen.

But then – _PZLAM!_ – we got Borzog-blasted again, throwing us all to the floor. 2.4 more Borzog blasts, and we were toast!

"You Klertzian klutz!" yelled King Norzat at Oogle, who was using his/her four tentacles and four eyes to fly the ship and shoot back at the Borzog fighters.

"I don't see _you_ shooting down any Borzogs," Oogle snapped back in his low male voice.

"Wake up your female brain!" King Norzat said in his usual snobbish way. "It's got to have better flying skills than your male one."

Zug snorted a disgusting little laugh. "Zug think that funny."

"SHUT UUUUP!" That came from me. I may be small, but I can be loud. "We need a leader, and I found him!"

"Who says we need a leader?" the King said, turning away from me on his little hover-throne.

_PZLAM!_ We got hit hard – again.

I got thrown out of my seat – again. Scrambling to climb back up, I grumbled, "We've got Borzog fighters swarming around us like Tiznak flies on a Lortnog's butt, we're running out of Foob torpedoes, and all you guys want to do is yell at each other! OF COURSE we need a leader!"

Trying to calm down, I looked back at my computer. "Listen to this. It's from his Spacebook page," I said, starting to read off the screen:

" _It was looking bad for me. I had four Tribulots on my tail, and they weren't exactly wanting to trade space ranger cards._ Seems the Tribs didn't like me foiling their attack on Plutnok 8. But Captain Dweezil, protector of the good, doesn't just sit around while innocent aliens are in trouble. Saving the galaxy takes a little elbow grease!"

King Norzat rolled his eyes. "Can you believe this??"

"I know!" I said, beaming. "It's incredible! He even writes that he conquered the marauding Floobs and saved the Moobians from certain destruction by the Chorps! And it goes on and on!" I added, scrolling through Captain Dweezil's Spacebook blog.

The King still wasn't happy. "If this guy's so amazing, how come we've never heard of him?"

But Oogle didn't care about that. "I say we insta-port him here right away!" male Oogle said. "He seems like a born leader." Then female Oogle spoke up in her high voice: "And he'll probably be able to get us out of this Borzog mess with his eyes closed. All four of them!"

"He only has two eyes," I said.

"Even so!"
CHAPTER 3: Welcome to the Floozeum

We fired up the Insta-porter.

With the flick of a switch, we'd be able to transport Captain Dweezil into the Floozeum instantly.

Unless the Insta-porter didn't work.

The last thing we insta-ported was a Trizbekian noodle bowl, but by the time it got to the ship, it had turned into a Bulorian tofu patty.

We crossed our fingers that Captain Dweezil would show up in one piece.

I hit the Insta-porter button, and we all waited. Then a flickering image appeared...

...and Captain Dweezil materialized right in front of us! There he stood in all his glory, looking every bit the hero I knew he was!

Okay, he looked like he was only about twelve nibzats old, but that just made him _more_ impressive. To think he did all that stuff on his Spacebook page in twelve short nibzats!

" _That's_ the guy?" King Norzat asked.

I stepped up to Captain Dweezil, trying to restrain my awe. "Are you Captain Dweezil, protector of the good?"

"Uh... kinda," he said. I figured he was just a little nervous and wondered where he was.

"Captain Dweezil, welcome to the starship Floozeum!" I said proudly.

" _This_ is Captain Dweezil, conqueror of the Floobs?" King Norzat sniffed.

Oogle beamed at Captain Dweezil. "Did you really save the Moobians from certain destruction by the Chorps?!" female Oogle asked in awe.

"I... am freaking out," Captain Dweezil said. I wasn't quite sure what that meant in his dialect, but I took it as a sign of great happiness.

"We apologize for the surprise insta-portation," I said, "but we're in serious trouble, and we need your help."

_PZLAM!_ We got hit again. Now all we could take was 0.4 more hits, and it would be bye-bye Floozeum! "Take evasive action!" I screamed to anybody whose hands were big enough to operate the controls.

" _You_ take evasive action," snapped the King. "I have yet to introduce myself." He turned to Captain Dweezil. "I am King Norzat, former – and future – ruler of Shamzat."

"I'm Oogle the Klertzian," a smiling Oogle said in his male voice. "And so am I!" female Oogle said. "And that's Flerpia from Ziznak 7 and Zug from Zug."

Captain Dweezil reacted in a way I didn't expect. "This isn't real!" he screamed. "This ship can't be real! All these aliens can't be real!" Then he poked Zug, and his finger came back covered in slime. "Okay, that's pretty real."

"We're real, all right," I said to assure him. "We're the O.R.X., the Order of Rebel Xenophiles!"

"Xeno-what?"

"Xenophiles," said female Oogle. "It means we love people, especially people we don't know!"

"And we need you, our new great Captain, to lead us on our missions of mercy," I continued. "And that starts with flying this ship to safety!"

Oogle got up and sat Captain Dweezil down in the pilot seat. "Save us like you saved your hobbled rocketship from the Slopnoid buzz bomb attack!" male Oogle said.

Zug spoke up. "Blast Borzogs like you blast Porps after you make Porpanium rods go boom!"

But Captain Dweezil didn't start to fly the ship. In fact, he actually appeared to panic. "Listen, guys," he pleaded, "I made all that stuff up! I wrote it in my Spacebook blog just 'cause my real life is so boring. I'm not really Captain Dweezil, protector of the good. I'm just Dweezil Sneezil, offspring number 147 of Horst and Pribny Sneezil, Deep Space City #232, quadrant 44.9."

I suddenly realized I might have made a horrible mistake.

King Norzat spoke first. "We're doomed."
CHAPTER 4: The Middle Child

As you might imagine, we were all quite stunned that we had mistaken a young boy from Deep Space City #232 for a galactic hero.

But this whole experience was an even greater shock for Captain Dweezil. For his larp had started quite normally, and the last thing he expected when he got out of bed was to find himself on a strange starship being attacked by Borzogs!

In fact, that morning, young Dweezil had been writing up his latest Spacebook blog, the very one I later found on the galacti-net:

"Two Tribulot fighters fired photon blasts at my ship from both sides," he said while typing on his computer. "But I dodged their attack fast, flying straight up so their blasts hit each other! FOOM! From Tribulot to TribuNOT in 0.38 lorpnoids. Then I did a complete loop-de-loop, pulling up behind the other two fighters. I ZAPPED them with one blast and sent them flying off, yelping like frightened flibrats!

"The Querx Galaxy was safe once again, thanks to me, Captain Dweezil, protector of –"

"Breakfast!" A call from Dweezil's mother came from below.

"Uh... as I was saying," Dweezil went on, "thanks to me, Captain –"

"Kids, breakfast! You'll be late for school!"

Dweezil groaned, the moment ruined. He quickly finished his Spacebook entry, then he reluctantly ran downstairs to join his parents and 293 siblings.

That's right, Dweezil is actually 147 of 294 total offspring! That probably explained his daily flights of fancy as an imaginary galactic hero.

If anyone deserved to be suffering from middle child syndrome, it was him!

As always, young Dweezil was looking forward to his morning bowl of Flimso-pods, but when you're fighting for a place at the table with 293 other siblings, things can get a little crazy.

"Pass the Bleebomilk!" "Hey, that's my bowl!" "Honey, we're out of Flimso-pods!" "The shuttle pod is here." "I'm late!"

Dweezil tilted the big box of Flimso-pods over his bowl – and just one measly Flimso-pod fell out. Then, in a flash, his entire family dashed out the door for work and school.

Dweezil was left alone at his huge breakfast table which looked like the aftermath of the latest Gleebox attack on Ibnorb 7. He was able to salvage a few broken Flimso-pods and enough spilled Bleebomilk off the table to make a semi-complete breakfast.

But then he realized one of his siblings had snagged his lunch! "Looks like another larp of Grayblots in Vlort gravy in the school cafeteria," he grumbled to himself as he shuffled out the door.

But, in spite of the prospect that Grayblots in Vlort gravy would be the highlight of his larp, he knew this tedious time of his life was only temporary.

Why?

Because he had big plans! He had dreams! He knew that some larp he actually would be Captain Dweezil, protector of the good, and no one was going to stop him!

He just first had to get through another few boring nibzats as offspring number 147 and another few thousand tasteless servings of Grayblots in Vlort gravy.

Using the empty Flimso-pods box as a bowl, Dweezil ate his breakfast while rushing to school. As usual, Sector C was a nightmare with everybody running, riding and zooming in every different direction.

Dweezil was really hoping he'd make it to class on time. His teacher, Mr. Glort, was looking for just one more excuse to send him to orkzerb detention for a whole morblat.

Finally, Dweezil spotted his school, P.S. 14357, up ahead, and with forty-seven lorpnoids left before the bell, he had a good chance of making it.

But then – WHAM! – he ran right into Brog "The Fist" Mortwerb.

Brog was an Octoblot from Hoople 6.5, so he was twice Dweezil's size and really dumb. "Start your morning with a nutritious breakfast!" he said with a nasty smile.

Then he dumped the rest of Dweezil's Flimso-pods and Bleebomilk right on his head.

As Brog laughed and plodded off, Dweezil just stood there, humiliated. He knew he'd have to spend the morning with everybody wondering why his clothes were all stained and why he smelled like stale cereal.

And now it seemed orkzerb detention was definitely in his very near future.

"Ooo, Flimso-pods! My favorite!" Lipnap Floomy, Dweezil's best friend, ran up and started eating Flimso-pods right off of Dweezil's shirt. He was from Ooboo 9.7, and Ooboolians aren't exactly known for their grasp of social norms.

"Hey, I loved your latest blog!" Lipnap said. "You sure showed the Tribulots what for!"

That's right, even though Lipnap spent most of his larps in class with Dweezil and hanging around with him after school, he actually believed Dweezil was Captain Dweezil, hero of the good.

But Dweezil didn't feel like a hero today. I mean, it's hard to imagine yourself as a galactic hero when you've got Bleebomilk dripping down your face.

"Uh, Lipnap... you know all that stuff in my blog's not real, right?" Dweezil said.

"But what about my Captain Dweezil Space Ranger trading cards?" Lipnap asked, pulling the cards out of his pocket. "Is it all just a lie?!"

"More like a story," Dweezil said, trying to break it to Lipnap easy.

Lipnap was crushed. "What about the innocent aliens of Plutnok 8? Who's gonna save them from the Tribulots if not Captain Dweezil?"

"Lipnap, there are no Tribulots!" Dweezil insisted.

Lipnap's face lit up. "So Plutnok 8 is safe! Hurray for the Plutnokians!"

"There're no Plutnokians either!" Dweezil said, trying to get through to his friend. "They don't exist! They're just part of stories I make up because my life is so boring."

The two boys shuffled off to school, both of them feeling down.

And Mr. Glort did in fact send Dweezil to orkzerb detention for a morblat.

That afternoon, as Dweezil sat in orkzerb detention alone, he realized that his fantasy of being Captain Dweezil, commanding his own starship, was ridiculous. "My family doesn't know I'm there," he complained to himself. "I write Spacebook blogs that probably nobody reads – except Lipnap. I pretend I'm this cool hero, but it's all just a lie.

"It's like I'm invisible," Dweezil said sadly.

And then, suddenly...

...he disappeared.
CHAPTER 5: A Bad Larp for Borzogs

This was, of course, when we insta-ported Dweezil to our ship.

And here we were, still 0.4 Borzog blasts from oblivion.

King Norzat pushed Dweezil out of the pilot seat and started to fly the ship. "Looks like it's up to me to save the larp – again!" But he caused the Floozeum to swerve left, ramming us right into a passing asteroid. CRASH!

Everyone grabbed onto something to keep from falling over. "You fly like blind Fornak!" growled Zug.

King Norzat glared at Zug. "I could have you executed for that! – If we were on Shamzat. And I was still King of Shamzat."

Now Zug grabbed the controls with his feet-hands. "Zug do it!" The ship swerved again, pointing us straight at the Borzog fighters! "Zug no do it." He crawled under the console and started sucking on his big toe-thumb.

"They're coming right at us!" I cried, and now I tried to fly the ship. But the steering wheel jolted and flung me across the cabin. (I'm kind of small, as I mentioned before.)

Finally, Oogle sat back down in the pilot's seat. But he/she kept jerking the wheel back and forth, left and right. "Turn this way!" male Oogle demanded. "No, this way!" insisted female Oogle.

"What's he doing?!" Dweezil asked. Then he squinted at Oogle. "Or is it 'she'?"

"Oogle's male and female brains are arguing with each other about which way to turn!" King Norzat said.

"He... she... they have two brains? Cool!" Dweezil said. Then he thought for a moment. "Unless you're trying to fly a ship."

"Captain Dweezil!" I pleaded. "Only you can save us!" Okay, I knew he was just a kid by this point – but we were desperate!

Dweezil was nervous, but, fortunately, he decided to give it a try. He sat back down at the controls and looked over the console. "Hey," he said, smiling, "this is just like Freaky Alien Attack 4!" He grabbed a hold of the steering wheel and pulled it towards him, and the Floozeum flew down fast. This seemed to surprize him. "We were supposed to fly up. Wait a lorpnoid... everything's backwards and upside down! Okay, let's see here..." he said, thinking.

So he turned the wheel to the left – and the ship went right. This was totally normal to me and the others, but I guess they did things backwards in quadrant 44.9.

Anyway, Dweezil found a Borzog in his sights and fired! But he missed, and the Borzog fighter shot back. Fortunately, Dweezil pulled up fast (sending us down fast), and we just missed getting hit by the Borzog blast!

We all cheered!

"I knew you could do it, Captain Dweezil!" I shouted.

Pumped with confidence, Dweezil banked and fired at another fighter. And this time he HIT it! But it was still flying, so he chased after it.

"Just let it go!" said King Norzat.

"Captain Dweezil never lets the bad guys get away!" Dweezil cried as he pursued the fighter, dodging in and out of asteroids and space junk.

Finally, he fired again, and BOOM! He got it! "It's a bad larp for Borzogs!" he said with a grin.

Zug and I cheered again and jumped up and down with excitement.

"Good shooting, Captain Dweezil!" male Oogle shouted, thrilled and relieved. "Yeah, great job!" agreed female Oogle.

But Captain Dweezil still hadn't won over King Norzat. "But I thought you weren't actually Captain Dweezil," the King said with a sneer.

"Maybe I am!" Dweezil said, thinking about it. "I mean, I am. I am Captain Dweezil. After all, your ship wasn't just saved by some kid. It was saved by a real live captain of a real live starship!"

"Aye-aye, Captain!" I said, saluting him.

He was right. He truly was Captain Dweezil now!

"All right, then," Captain Dweezil said, "how many points do I get?"
CHAPTER 6: Q.U.A.K.S.S. Rejects

We all looked at Captain Dweezil, confused.

"Points?" I asked.

"You know," Captain Dweezil explained, "how many points do I get for shooting down the Borzog fighters?"

But as we were staring at him, he suddenly turned green as blood seemed to rush to his face. "Ha ha!" he laughed. "I was just, uh... kidding around! I don't get any points. This isn't a video game, this is real! Had you there for a lorpnoid, didn't I?"

I realized it would probably take a little time for Captain Dweezil to settle into his new role as O.R.X.'s new leader.

But, unfortunately, we didn't have a little time! We needed to head off on a new mission before more Borzog fighters showed up!

"We O.R.X. are at your command!" I said to the Captain, saluting again.

"Right! Cool!" he said. "Well... what do we do now?"

"You're the Captain," said the King.

Now Captain Dweezil's green blood drained from his face, and he turned purple again, but this time a pale, sickly purple. He'd spent so much time fantasizing about being a real starship Captain, now that he actually was one, he realized he didn't know what to do with his newfound power.

"Okay," he said, trying to remain calm, "let's go do... O.R.X. stuff!" He squinted, unsure. "What do you guys do again?"

"We're the Order of Rebel Xenophiles," I said proudly. "Our mission is to bring peace to the Querx Galaxy!"

"Uh... isn't that what Q.U.A.K.S.S. does?" Captain Dweezil asked.

I grimaced. You remember, I told you about Q.U.A.K.S.S., the Querxian Universal Alliance to Keep Space Safe? They were the law in the Querx Galaxy, but all they really cared about was enforcing speed limits and making sure everybody filled out the right forms for everything.

"It's actually my life goal to attend the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Academy and one larp become an official Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser Commander!" the Captain said proudly.

"Q.U.A.K.S.S.?" hissed King Norzat. "They couldn't bring peace to a Heplop with a Twizzle-flea problem!"

"What do you know about Q.U.A.K.S.S.?" male Oogle asked the King. "You never trained there like we did!"

Captain Dweezil's mouth fell open. "You guys graduated from the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Academy?!"

"No," I said. "We... left."

Zug looked glum. "Q.U.A.K.S.S. kick Zug out."

Oogle looked down too. "They kicked us all out," female Oogle said sadly.

Okay, I lied a little earlier, saying I'd dropped out of the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Academy. The fact was, I got kicked out along with Oogle and Zug. But I would've dropped out if they hadn't kicked me out. That place stunk!

"Why'd you guys drop out??" Captain Dweezil asked, truly confused.

"They were threatened by our superior skills!" boomed male Oogle.

"Who needs Q.U.A.K.S.S. anyway?" I sniffed. "All they do is teach you rules there! Rules, rules, rules! So we took off on our own. We, uh, borrowed this ship..."

"I don't even think they noticed it gone," female Oogle added.

"...and we set out into the unknown!" I continued. "We want to serve the people of the Querx Galaxy! To save those in trouble! To do lots of good stuff and stop bad people from doing lots of bad stuff!"

"But we needed a leader!" male Oogle said. "And when Flerpia read about all your exploits in your Spacebook blog, we knew we'd finally found the right one!"

"Three cheers for Captain Dweezil!" I cried, and we all cheered three times.

"Okay!" Captain Dweezil said, kind of caught up in the moment. "Let's go save some aliens in need!" Then he looked confused again. "Uh... how do we find aliens in need?"

I eagerly turned back to my computer screen and scanned the galacti-net. "Well, there're a lot of them, actually. Let's see... the tribes of Dweebubu have been at war for a thousand nibzats... Teeble 4 is being attacked by the Roidz again... Oh, here's a good one: Sylop 7 is flooding all over. They need help!"

"Then help they shall get!" Captain Dweezil insisted. "To Sylop 7! O.R.X. away!!"

"O.R.X. awaaaay!!!" we cheered.

I was thrilled. We were heading off on a new mission with our brand new Captain!

"Hold on," Captain Dweezil said. "If I'm the Captain of the O.R.X., shouldn't it be Dweezil's Order of Rebel Xenophiles?"

We all looked at each other and nodded. "Yes, absolutely," I said.

"Which would make it 'D.O.R.X.'!"

King Norzat nodded his head. "D.O.R.X. – I like that. It's a name that commands respect."

Captain Dweezil pumped his arm in the air. "D.O.R.X. away!"

"D.O.R.X. awaaaay!!!" we shouted with joy.

Then Oogle hit the throttle, and the Floozeum took off for Sylop 7.

We were off on our first mission as the D.O.R.X.!
CHAPTER 7: Glory Larps

I could tell Captain Dweezil was truly excited to be heading off on his first mission with the D.O.R.X.

But he was nervous too.

For one thing, he was wondering what they would do about his disappearance at home. Then he realized that being in orkzerb detention for a morblat meant he wouldn't be missed at school. And he was never missed at home since he was the middle child of 294 siblings.

So even if this mission took a whole morblat, he'd still get back home before anybody noticed he was gone!

"How long does it take to get to Sylop 7?" Captain Dweezil asked.

"About three krelzoids, give or take a frappizaner," said female Oogle.

"Three krelzoids?!" our new Captain screamed. "What is that in lorpnoids?"

"Oh, about 108,476," said male Oogle, working it out in his head.

"Well, that's not too bad, I guess," said Captain Dweezil, relieved.

"But a frappizaner can last a lot longer," female Oogle warned.

"It can?"

"Or a lot shorter. Depending."

"Depending on what?"

"How long it lasts."

Captain Dweezil squooched down in his seat. "I'm confused."

I realized I had to step in. "Oogle, why don't you give Captain Dweezil some background on Sylop 7?"

"Absolutely!" female Oogle said, her eyes drifting to the ceiling as she called up her vast memory. "Sylop 7 is a peaceful planet in quadrant 36.2 of the Querx Galaxy. It is ruled by King Sylopia and his beautiful daughter, the Princess. But they have been plagued by many natural disasters, from floods to volcanic eruptions to Yannie fly infestations." Male Oogle took over: "Their main import is Yannie flypaper, and their main export is pet lava rocks. Their annual gross national product is –"

"Okay, thank you, Oogle," I interrupted. Oogle can go on forever if you don't cut him/her off once in a while.

"So..." Captain Dweezil said, "how're we going to stop the flooding on Sylop 7?"

We all looked at each other, feeling a little embarrassed. "Well," I said, "we usually just figure things out when we get there." This reminded me of our last mission, and I got a little excited talking about it. "Like when we landed on Bordismort 3 and scared off the Ekvard invaders by spraying them with Neeblooz nectar!"

Male Oogle joined in: "Or when we freed the Vreeble tribe from the Webgirp beast and sent it back to Webgirp Island!"

"Let's not forget Hublup 17," King Norzat added, "where I personally charmed Queen Prizzle into freeing the Nublups!"

Zug jumped up, not wanting to be left out. "Or when Zug scare Rudgrud shark away from Zignat children with Zug gas bomb!"

"What's a Zug gas bomb?" Captain Dweezil asked.

"Zug show you!" Zug said as he started to strain and turn red.

"NO!" I shouted, running up to Zug. "You don't need to demonstrate!"

"Wow," Captain Dweezil said, "that's all so amazing!"

"Of course," I added reluctantly, "the Neeblooz nectar spread all over Bordismort 3 and forced the evacuation of the whole planet."

"And the Webgirp beast just swam back and terrorized all the tribes on Vreeble 4," said female Oogle quietly.

"I must admit," said King Norzat without his usual bluster, "that the Nublups multiplied exponentially and made Hublup 17 uninhabitable."

Zug looked down. "Zug gas bomb scare Zignat children away too."

"Oh..." said Captain Dweezil, not so impressed anymore. "So you guys are kind of screw-ups?"

"We have good intentions," I insisted, "but we need leadership! Someone with a plan!"

I could tell Captain Dweezil felt put on the spot, but, fortunately, he rose to the occasion. "Well, that's what I'm here for! To lead!" he said with confidence. His voice was shaking a bit, but maybe he was just cold. Then I noticed him starting to sweat, so maybe he was hot instead.

But he continued speaking boldly. "With me as your new Captain, we're going to make a plan and take action fast!"

"Yes, sir!" I said, saluting him again. Maybe I was saluting too much, but I was just so happy to finally have someone to salute!
CHAPTER 8: Our Arch-Enemy

I want you to know that lack of leadership wasn't the only reason our missions always ended in disaster.

There was another reason...

...and his name was SHMALDRIK THE BLOTZ.

Shmaldrik the Blotz was a Lieutenant at Q.U.A.K.S.S. When Oogle, Zug and I were at the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Academy, Shmaldrik was the Principal. But you could tell he wasn't really into his job.

What he really wanted to be was Commander of a Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser!

As a Cruiser Commander, Shmaldrik would be able to enforce strict Q.U.A.K.S.S. rules all over the galaxy, making sure people everywhere signed the proper forms in triplicate and obeyed every pointless Q.U.A.K.S.S. rule to the letter.

And if anybody so much as forgot to dot an "i" or cross a "t", he'd throw them into the official Q.U.A.K.S.S. prison camp on Sheeznok Island!

Sheeznok Island was actually the thirteenth moon of Heeble 2, the planet where Q.U.A.K.S.S. Headquarters was located. They called the moon Sheeznok Island because, like an island, it was pretty impossible to escape from. The prison camp itself was surrounded by a crazy jungle, and the fence around the camp was more to keep the moon's dangerous creatures out than to keep the camp's prisoners in.

In fact, if anybody escaped from the camp, the prison guards didn't even care. There was no way they'd survive in the crazy jungle!

For now, Shmaldrik the Blotz could only dream of being able to send people to Sheeznok Island. In the meantime, he'd have to content himself, as Academy Principal, with teaching a bunch of unruly cadets how to obey each and every Q.U.A.K.S.S. rule in the book.

But Shmaldrik never gave up his hope of becoming a Cruiser Commander because it was, in fact, a stepping stone towards his ultimate goal of becoming...

...the Grand Potentate of Q.U.A.K.S.S.!

Too bad the current Grand Potentate, General Flooze, hated him.

General Flooze hadn't always hated Shmaldrik the Blotz. But he never liked him much either.

The General saw Shmaldrik as an able functionary, someone who knew how to enforce the law but who never had the boldness and imagination necessary to be a Cruiser Commander.

But then something happened that turned the General's mild disdain for Shmaldrik into hate: Three of Shmaldrik's cadets dropped out of the Academy and ran off with a Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser.

That Cruiser was named the Floozeum.

And those cadets were named Oogle, Zug and Flerpia! (That's me!)

Oogle, Zug and I thought that nobody would notice the Floozeum gone since it was an older ship, in bad shape and kind of slow.

But it also happened to be General Flooze's first starship! It wasn't called the Floozeum at the time. When the General became Grand Potentate, he changed its name to the Floozeum because he wanted to turn it into a Q.U.A.K.S.S. museum, something that could travel all over the Querx Galaxy spreading Q.U.A.K.S.S.'s goodwill wherever it went (for a small charge of four ziznots and fifty sibbles, plus tax).

But now it was gone, "borrowed" by three dropout cadets who called themselves the O.R.X. (That's us!)

And it was all Shmaldrik's fault because it had happened on his watch.

General Flooze vowed that Shmaldrik the Blotz would never command his own Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser as long as the O.R.X. were out there flying his Floozeum starship and flaunting Q.U.A.K.S.S.ian laws in every quadrant of the galaxy.

And Shmaldrik the Blotz vowed that nothing would stop him from bringing the O.R.X. to justice so that he might one larp fulfill his dream of becoming Grand Potentate of Q.U.A.K.S.S.!
CHAPTER 9: A Sylopian Nightmare

Sylop 7 finally came into view as we chugged along in the Floozeum.

Captain Dweezil had been asking "Are we there yet?" over and over for the last few horples, so I knew he was superexcited to start his first mission as Captain of the D.O.R.X.

From above, we could see that Sylop 7 was indeed flooding badly. King Sylopia's palace was perched atop one of the few dry mountaintops, and thousands of normal Sylopians were crowded on the other ones.

Captain Dweezil looked down on it all, in awe of the tragic sight. "Wow, those people really need help!" When he noticed us all looking at him with hope, he turned green again. But then he turned back to purple and took command. "And we're going to help them!"

"What is your plan, Captain Dweezil?" I implored eagerly.

"Uh... I'd tell you... but it's a secret!" he said with a clever grin. "I don't want to give it away too soon!"

Yes, I knew we'd made the right choice with Captain Dweezil.

Oogle landed the Floozeum right next to the palace. Zug pushed the button to let down the main hatch, and we got our first clear view of Sylopia.

It was very hot and humid, and the King and beautiful Princess were stepping out of the palace grounds to meet us.

We all waited for Captain Dweezil to exit the ship and greet the two royals. I knew he had interacted with many important alien officials before (in his Spacebook blog, anyway), so I was confident he would impress the King and Princess today.

The Captain turned to me and quietly asked, "What're their names again?"

"King Sylopia and Princess Sylopia," I said.

"Right," he said. Then he took a deep breath and stepped out the hatch, the rest of us following close behind.

When we met the King and the Princess, we bowed, and the Captain said, "Greetings, King... uh..."

"Sylopia," I whispered.

"Sylopia! And Princess Sylopia! We are the D.O.R.X.!" Captain Dweezil said proudly.

"The who?" asked the King.

"Dweezil's Order of Rebel Xenophiles," answered male Oogle with a smile.

"And we're here to save your planet!" pronounced the Captain.

"Are you from Q.U.A.K.S.S.?" asked the Princess hopefully.

This was a problem. On our many previous O.R.X. missions, we had often been mistaken for Q.U.A.K.S.S. officials. It was a shame that none of the desperate aliens knew that Q.U.A.K.S.S. never helped anybody! Only O.R.X. could save them, and now that we were D.O.R.X., aliens in need everywhere would never have to worry about their safety again!

"Are we from Q.U.A.K.S.S.?" Captain Dweezil said, his mouth hanging open. "I wish. No, we're just –"

I quickly leapt up onto the Captain's head and slapped my tail over his mouth. Whispering urgently in his ear, I said, "Q.U.A.K.S.S. is bad, remember? Only D.O.R.X. can save the Sylopians!"

"Riiiight," the Captain said to me, my tail muffling his voice. Then I jumped down, and he continued with the Princess. "No, we're better than Q.U.A.K.S.S. They're just a bunch of quacks! We're Dweezil's Order of Rebel, uh... Xylophones!"

"Xenophiles," I whispered.

"Xenophones."

"Xenophiles."

"Xenophibes."

"Xenophiles."

"Xenophiles! Dweezil's Order of Rebel Xenophiles! Yes!" Captain Dweezil said proudly.

"Are you Dweezil?" King Sylopia asked the Captain.

"Captain Dweezil," the Captain asserted. Then he turned to Oogle. "This is... uh..."

"Oogle," said female Oogle.

"Google," Captain Dweezil said, nodding. He gestured to King Norzat. "That's, uh... King Shamzat from Norzat."

"King Norzat from Shamzat." King Norzat gave the Captain a dirty look then turned and smiled at King Sylopia and the Princess. "Charmed."

Captain Dweezil turned to Zug. "That guy's Zug from... uh..."

"Zug," said Zug.

"Right," the Captain said. Then he gestured to me. "And this little alien is... Flerpia!"

"Hi!" I chirped, my voice cracking a bit. (I always get nervous meeting royalty.)

"Anyway," Captain Dweezil said, "we're here to solve all your planetary problems!"

"You can save us from all this flooding?!" King Sylopia asked pleadingly.

"Of course! How about you... build a dam?" suggested the Captain, folding his arms confidently.

"That's a great idea!" I said.

"Oh, we have lots of dams," said King Sylopia. "They all burst already."

"Okay..." Captain Dweezil went on, "let's make a bunch of boats! Then everybody can float everywhere!"

"That's another great idea!" I said. Captain Dweezil was on a roll! (Also, I believed the positive reinforcement would do him good on this first mission.)

But King Sylopia shook his head again. "We have nothing to build any boats with. All our trees are underwater. And all our old boats have sunk."

"Hmmm," Captain Dweezil pondered, "let me think." He leaned against a big machine right next to our landing site and rubbed his chin.

Suddenly, the machine whirred to life, and everything started to shake! The Captain jumped back from it, realizing he'd accidentally flipped the main switch!

"Oh, no!" screamed the Princess. "You've turned on the Royal Sylopian mining drill!"

Captain Dweezil desperately tried to flip the switch off, but it wouldn't budge! "It won't turn off!"

"It's the doomsday failsafe switch!" King Sylopia yelled. "It's impossible to turn off!"

We all started to freak out – even though none of us really knew what all this meant. But Oogle activated his/her holo-watch, and a hologram of the planet came up, showing an image of the huge drill boring down to the planet's core!

"The core will be breached in 17.46 lorpnoids!" cried both male and female Oogle.

King Sylopia went white. "Sylop 7 is going to explode!"
CHAPTER 10: A Sylopian Success

We all plugged our ears, waiting for the inevitable explosion.

I know, what good is plugging your ears if you're going to be blown to bits along with a whole planet? But, at the time, it just seemed like the right thing to do.

But instead of hearing a huge boom, we heard a huge sucking sound.

It was the sound of all the water being sucked down into the hole being drilled by the mining machine!

All around us, the water drained out of the valleys between the mountains.

The terrible flood was over!

"Sylop 7 is saved!" cheered Princess Sylopia. In fact, all the Sylopians on the other mountaintops cheered as well. Then they happily ran down to their homes below, no longer underwater.

"Wow!" said Captain Dweezil. "That was easy! All I had to do was flip that switch – which I did on purpose, by the way – and I solved your flooding problem!"

"Three cheers for Captain Dweezil!" I cried, and we all cheered three times – for the second time today!

I was amazed at how the Captain knew everything would work out in the end. When we were all plugging our ears, he sure looked scared like the rest of us, but I guess he was just pretending!

"What can we do to repay you?!" the ecstatic, relieved King Sylopia asked Captain Dweezil.

"I don't know... just spread the word about D.O.R.X., I guess," Captain Dweezil said.

Such modesty! Such generosity! Now I really knew we'd chosen the right leader for our little crew.

But, suddenly, the planet started to tremble. Captain Dweezil looked around and smiled. "Wow, all those happy people running down to their houses are making the whole planet shake!"

But Oogle wasn't so sure, and he/she activated the holo-watch again. This time, a hologram came up showing all the water hitting the planet's molten core and shooting back up through all the planet's volcanoes!

"Core breached," male Oogle said. "Water is rushing back to the surface at a temperature of 547 degrees Sylopenheit!"

"Is that hot?" asked the Captain. "Because maybe after you convert Sylopenheit degrees to –"

"It's burn-your-face-off hot!" screamed King Sylopia. "This is the end! Oh, my planet! You've destroyed my poor planet!" he sobbed.

"What a shock?" King Norzat said, rolling his eyes. (I really wished he'd have shown a little more D.O.R.X. team spirit at this serious moment.)

"Zug think Zug should leave," Zug whispered to me.

But I held out hope that all was not lost. I still had faith in our new Captain. I just hoped he still had faith in himself! He looked rather guilty, and he couldn't think of anything to say. Or maybe he felt he didn't have to say anything because he was so confident everything was going to work out great – again!

And then, something amazing happened: The water shot out of the volcano-topped mountains all around us, but at such speed that the boiling water was sent out into space!

Sylop 7 was saved after all!

Captain Dweezil seemed very relieved by this. "The water's shooting off into space!... just the way I planned it. And you guys thought we were all doomed – again!"

King Sylopia groveled at the Captain's feet. "Please forgive me for ever doubting you!"

Captain Dweezil looked a little uncomfortable and said, "Well... just don't do it again and we'll call it even."
CHAPTER 11: Zug Drops a Bomb

D.O.R.X. was off to a great start!

We took off from Sylop 7 eager to take on more galactic challenges. With Captain Dweezil at the helm, we were all bursting with confidence! (Well, I don't know about King Norzat. We were still waiting for him to come around.)

"What about that Dweebubu planet?" asked the Captain, wondering who to save next. "There was a war or something?"

"Yes!" I said. "For a thousand nibzats, the Dweepopo and Dweelala tribes have been fighting over who really owns the planet."

"Then let's go!" the Captain said. "We'll end that war, and not a nibzat too soon!" I think that saving Sylopia had given him a real boost. For his whole youth, the Captain had only fantasized about being a galactic hero. Now he was saving the galaxy for real!

"Hey," Captain Dweezil chuckled, "maybe the two tribes will form a new tribe and name it after me: Dweezilzil!"

Zug grunted happily and said, "Maybe new tribe name Dweezugzug!"

We all laughed.

Encouraged by our good humor, Zug suggested, "Maybe Zug use Zug gas bomb to end war!"

We all stopped laughing.

Zug looked down. "Zug know when Zug go too far," he said as he slouched down in his seat.

Soon after, we arrived at Dweebubu. The planet was in quadrant 35.3, just one quadrant over from Sylop 7. We even had time to pick up a few Trizbekian noodle bowls on the way!
CHAPTER 12: Build the Fence!

Looking down on Dweebubu, we could see the problem right away.

There was a line drawn right down the middle of the planet, all the way around! No doubt one side was Dweepopo territory and the other side Dweelala territory.

"Uh... which side belongs to who?" asked Captain Dweezil.

Female Oogle looked this up on the galacti-net. "The war started a thousand nibzats ago when one Dweepopo tribesman on the top side of the line accidentally stepped over it into Dweelala territory on the bottom. The Dweelalas were none too happy about this, and then some of them stepped over the line into Dweepopo territory. This went on for a while, getting worse and worse." Male Oogle continued the story: "Then someone thought they could quiet everything down by moving the line a little. But this just upset the other side, and they tried to move it back. But nobody could remember where the line was drawn before. So first they tried to –"

"Okay, thanks, Oogle!" I said, cutting in as before. As I said earlier, Oogle can go on and on if you don't put a quick stop to it.

"Well, let's get down there!" ordered Captain Dweezil. "I've got the perfect plan for peace!"

"But where should I land?" asked male Oogle. "On which side of the line?"

Captain Dweezil thought about this for a moment. Finally, his eyes lit up, and he said, "Land right on top of the line!"

What did I tell you? That's bold thinking!

Oogle set down the Floozeum right on the line between the two territories, one half exactly on one side, one half exactly on the other. Then we stepped out of the ship and stood right on the line so that we wouldn't offend anybody. (It was really hard to keep our balance!)

There were angry tribesmen and tribeswomen on both sides of the line, and the only reason they weren't attacking each other was because they were all staring at us.

Captain Dweezil looked around and asked, "Who's in charge here?"

Both the Dweelala lady chief and the Dweepopo male chief stepped up, one on either side of the line. "I am!" they said in unison. Then they glared at each other.

"Well," the Captain said, "it's a small planet. How about you both be in charge... together?"

The two chiefs and all the tribespeople just glared at Captain Dweezil.

"I mean, can't you all just... get along?" the Captain continued.

Now their glares got even meaner. Captain Dweezil seemed to realize things weren't quite working, but he didn't appear to know what to say next. That didn't worry me, though. Based on our experience on Sylop 7, I knew his best ideas were yet to come!

But before the Captain could speak again, King Norzat glided up on his hover-throne. He whispered to us, "I believe this requires diplomacy, a skill I possess in spades." And with that, he nudged the Captain aside, causing him to stumble and step on the Dweepopo side of the line!

"Ah!" said the Dweelala chief. "You favor the Dweepopos! Now all of you are my sworn enemies as well!"

"We're not anybody's enemy!" protested King Norzat. "We're the O.R.X.!"

"D.O.R.X.," I said, corrected him.

"If you say so," the King said snidely. Then he turned back to the chiefs and said, "We're here to bring peace to your people. All you need is a common ruler. And that ruler should be ME."

"What?!" the two chiefs said simultaneously.

"Well, I do have nibzats of experience as a ruler. All you'd have to do is bring your planet's riches to me and lay them at my –"

"Ha ha!" Captain Dweezil interrupted. "He didn't really mean that! He's such a kidder." This seemed to calm the chiefs just in time. Phew! In just a few words, the Captain was able to defuse a dangerous situation that King Norzat had only made worse.

"I have a much smarter way to bring peace to your world," Captain Dweezil continued. "Why don't you just put up a fence?"

"A fence?" asked the Dweelala chief. "What is a fence?"

We couldn't believe that the two tribes of Dweebubu had never seen a fence before, but it instantly seemed to be the perfect resolution to the tribes' thousand-nibzat war. It was such a simple solution but, at the same time, such an ingenious one.

"Here, I'll start it," said Captain Dweezil, and he picked up a tall stake and a big rock. Standing on an even bigger rock, he started to hammer the stake right into the ground where the border line was. "You just drive a lot of these stakes into the ground and then put up reeds or something between them, and you have a fence!"

I couldn't believe it. Captain Dweezil had done it again! The D.O.R.X. were two for two!

But then, as the Captain was hammering in the stake, the ground started to shake. And with the next smack of the rock, it shook again.

I wondered if Dweebubu had similar volcanic problems that Sylop 7 had. Oogle must've wondered the same thing because he activated his holo-watch as he had before.

An image of Dweebubu came up, and Oogle turned white. "It appears that the border between the Dweepopo and the Dweelala halves of the planet is actually a fault line," said male Oogle. Female Oogle continued, "And by driving a stake into the fault line...

"...we're splitting the planet in two!"
CHAPTER 13: A Big Dweeboo-boo

But Captain Dweezil was so excited about building his fence that he didn't hear Oogle's warning, and he gave his fence stake one last smack!

It was one smack too many. With a great tremble and heave, the planet of Dweebubu actually started to split in half!

The Floozeum was in danger of falling right through the massive crack that was opening under our feet, but it clung a little more to the Dweepopo side, leaving it teetering right over the edge! We D.O.R.X. clung onto the Floozeum as we watched the Dweelala side of the planet drift away from us.

It was a total disaster!

...Or was it?

"Look at what you've done!" the Dweepopo chief screamed, jumping up and down. "You have destroyed my planet!"

But Captain Dweezil's face suddenly lit up. "No, I haven't. I've given you a new one! Now the Dweepopo's and the Dweelala's have their own separate planets! You'll never be at war with them again!"

But the chief was still mad. "Now we only have half a planet! The whole planet was ours before – I don't care what the Dweelalas said!"

"Well," said the Captain, "this way, you don't have to rule together or even get along. You won't even have to see them anymore!"

I once again admired the genius of Captain Dweezil's solution. With both Sylop 7 and Dweebubu, he had come up with literally planet-shaking solutions to impossible problems. And they both worked out great!

Unfortunately, the Dweepopo chief still didn't agree.

So he sentenced us all to hard labor in the Dweebubu pilblot mines!

Our sentence: A thousand nibzats, or the rest of our lives – whichever came first.
CHAPTER 14: An Uprising Down Below

The pilblot mines of Dweebubu were cold, dark and a thousand quonks underground.

But as nasty as the place was, the company was worse. We were guarded by a hundred Dweebubuan Slarthogs who made us dig up pilblot ore with our bare hands. And we were trapped with hundreds of other prisoners, hardened criminals from all over the galaxy.

What were we doing here?! Captain Dweezil and the rest of us D.O.R.X. just wanted to bring peace to every corner of the Querx Galaxy.

How could everything have gone so wrong?

We tried very hard to look busy since the prisoners who slacked off got instant punishment: The Slarthogs spit on them and wouldn't let them wipe it off. Ew!

But even though our plight looked hopeless, somehow I knew that Captain Dweezil would get us out of this mess. True, he seemed really desperate and confused, but I could see the gears turning in his head.

Or maybe it was the Slarthog spit fumes clouding my vision.

One thing I knew, though, was that King Norzat was probably going to be the first one of us D.O.R.X. to complain. Actually, I was surprised he'd lasted this long without asking for a bathroom break.

But, to my surprise, it was Captain Dweezil who spoke up first. "Um... when's lunch?" he asked the Slarthog guards.

This was a big chance he was taking. I could see the head Slarthog working up a serious loogie! But maybe this was part of a plan to escape!

Then again, Captain Dweezil really liked lunch, so maybe he was just hungry.

Anyway, the head Slarthog grunted.

And then he spit on the Captain's head.

That didn't make Captain Dweezil very happy. This was, I found out later, the second time someone had put something gross on his hair that larp.

"I insist you give all us prisoners lunch right now!" he announced, even though the smell of Slarthog spit had pretty much ruined everybody's appetite.

"I could go for a bathroom break," said King Norzat.

"No lunch! No bathroom break!" bellowed the head Slarthog guard. "Just dig pilblot ore!"

Suddenly, a huge loogie flew through the air and landed on the Slarthog guard's head!

"Who spit on me?!" the guard screamed. "In pilblot mine, I do spitting!" He looked around at the other Slarthogs, but they all shook their heads violently.

Then someone spoke up from within the crowd of prisoners. It was Zug! "Zug spit on Slarthog head!" He burst out laughing – and everybody else cracked up too, including the other Slarthog guards!

The head guard was furious. He yelled at Zug, "Go dig pilblot ore now!"

But Captain Dweezil started chanting, "Lunch! Lunch! Lunch! Lunch!..." Soon, everybody joined in with him, and the voices echoed off the hard rock walls, nearly deafening the Slarthog guards. The head guard screamed at the top of his lungs for everybody to get back to work, but nobody could hear a word he said.

Then the chanting got even louder, and the pilblot mines actually began to shake! Pilblot rocks started to come loose from the walls. "It's a cave-in!" I screamed really, really loudly. (I told you I could be loud!)

But there was no way out of the pilblot mines. We were going to be crushed for sure!

But then, one of the walls started to crack, and a beam of light shined through! And with more shaking, it split some more, leaving a gaping hole!

King Norzat was confused, as were we all. "I thought we were a thousand quonks underground!" he said.

Oogle's eyes lit up (all four of them), and he activated his holo-watch. "The pilblot mines were a thousand quonks underground – until Captain Dweezil split the planet in half!" male Oogle said joyously. A hologram of the Dweepopo's new half-planet came up, showing the pilblot mines indeed deep beneath the surface. But since Dweebubu had been split in two, the mines were now very close to the new flat side of the planet. And everybody's chanting had broken the mines through to the new side!

We D.O.R.X. and all the other prisoners were free!

And it was all thanks to Captain Dweezil and how he really liked lunch!
CHAPTER 15: Angering the Blotz

While Captain Dweezil and us D.O.R.X. were busy climbing out of the pilblot mines to freedom, someone was taking notice of Dweebubu from far across the galaxy.

And that someone was Shmaldrik the Blotz!

Shmaldrik didn't actually know about our escape from the pilblot mines. What caught his eye was an inconsistency in the number of planets in quadrant 35.3 where Dweebubu was located.

"Corporal!" he cried out to his assistant, Corporal Quendy Ismat. Being from Flufto 8, Quendy could move around very fast with her fluffingbird wings, and, whenever Shmaldrik called (which was a lot), she could be at his side in half a lorpnoid.

"Yes, Lieutenant Shmaldrik?" Quendy asked pertly.

"I have found an inconsistency in our planetary records!" snapped Shmaldrik. "Yesterday, there were 143,387 planets in quadrant 35.3, and today there are 143,388! Where did that extra planet come from?! I suggest that there is no extra planet and that this is, in fact, an ERROR!"

"A terrible error, sir!" Quendy agreed. She almost always agreed with everything Shmaldrik said. It made her job a lot easier.

"Find out who is responsible for this miscalculation, and bring him before me at once!" Shmaldrik ordered.

"But sir..." Quendy said, realizing she had to disagree with Shmaldrik this time, "as Principal of the Academy, isn't this... outside of your command?" She squinted her eyes and flinched, knowing what Shmaldrik's response would be.

"What?!" Shmaldrik screamed (as Quendy predicted). "How dare you question me!"

"But your Blotzness," Quendy cautioned, "you don't want General Flooze to –"

"I know, I know!" Shmaldrik interrupted, holding in his fury. "But don't you see? If I bring the man responsible to General Flooze, he's sure to promote me to Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser Commander!"

"That's certainly possible, sir!" Quendy said, buttering him up. "But there could be another explanation for the difference in number. Yesterday, the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Star Log reported that the planet Dweebubu has been replaced by two smaller planets."

"That's impossible," protested Shmaldrik.

"It appears, sir, that Dweebubu might have split in half."

"IMPOSSIBLE! Planets don't just split in half by themselves!"

"Well, sir," Quendy continued, "maybe the planet had some help. There are further reports that a group of rebel aliens who call themselves 'D.O.R.X.' have been operating in and around quadrant 35.3."

"D.O.R.X.? Never heard of them."

"But perhaps they're related to O.R.X., the name those Academy dropouts use," Quendy suggested. "You know, the ones who stole the Floozeum?"

"But you said D.O.R.X., not O.R.X. They're two entirely different things!" Shmaldrik snapped impatiently. "Now, stop wasting my time!"

Quendy squinted and flinched again as she rushed to get out one final explanation. "But what if the D.O.R.X. are the O.R.X. but with someone new in charge whose name starts with a D? I looked into it, sir, and they seem to have been active not only on Dweebubu but also on Sylop 7."

"Sylop 7?" Shmaldrik asked. "What were they doing there?"

"Saving the Sylopians from a horrible flood."

Shmaldrik went silent. Quendy could tell he was seething inside since his eyes were bugging out even more than usual. "Saving the Sylopians from a horrible flood is a violation of Q.U.A.K.S.S. Directive 46.3! How dare these D.O.R.X. do good things for people! That's our job!... as long as the people fill out Q.U.A.K.S.S. form number 5493 first and file it in triplicate with the local Q.U.A.K.S.S. authorities."

Shmaldrik paced the room as he began to hatch a plan. "Yes, these D.O.R.X are indeed the O.R.X., now run by someone whose name starts with a D – just as I suspected!"

Quendy swallowed her pride as Shmaldrik took credit for one of her ideas (for the millionth time). "Brilliant thinking, your Blotzness," she said through clenched teeth.

"In fact," Shmaldrik continued, "I wouldn't be surprised if these so-called D.O.R.X. split Dweebubu in half in order to help out the warring Dweepopo and Dweelala tribes. That's another violation of Directive 46.3!" He rubbed his hands together, his anger growing. "First, the O.R.X. steal the Floozeum, denying General Flooze his Q.U.A.K.S.S. museum. Then they fly off, violating Directive 46.3 wherever they go. Then they bring on someone whose name starts with a D, and they violate Directive 46.3 even more!"

Shmaldrik thrust his arm into the air. "General Flooze shall hear about this! And when he does, he'll make me Commander of my own ship and send me out to take down the O.R.X.!"

"The D.O.R.X., sir."

"Whatever!"
CHAPTER 16: On the Run

Captain Dweezil had thought it would be hard getting past the Dweepopos and back to the Floozeum, but they were so busy chasing down all the other escaped criminals that they didn't even notice us D.O.R.X.

So before anybody could stop us, we jumped aboard our ship and took off!

We were free again! Free to help other planets in the galaxy! Free for Captain Dweezil and the rest of us to once again be heroes of the good!

"Set our course for the next planet that needs help!" ordered the Captain.

"Yes, sir!" I said. I was so proud of Captain Dweezil. We had just saved two planets where we faced terrible danger. But he didn't hesitate at all to look for another dangerous challenge to take on!

"Setting course for Teeble 4," announced female Oogle at the controls. "The Roidz are attacking again!"

"Not for long!" Captain Dweezil said with a grin.

Zug wasn't too happy, though. His foot-hands were quite red and dry, and he was licking them delicately. "Zug not want get there too fast. Zug foot-hands hurt from pilblot digging."

King Norzat shook his head. "And don't worry about the Roidz. Back on Shamzat, we easily fought off a Roidz onslaught. I only lost ten thousand men."

Zug stared at the King. "Good thing Captain Dweezil in charge this time," Zug said.

Just then, male Oogle noticed something on his screen. "Unidentified starship spotted 359 kiliquonks off our stern. They appear to be following us." He put the image up on the big screen and zoomed in.

We couldn't believe our eyes. "It's a Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser, Captain!" I announced urgently.

Captain Dweezil beamed. "Wow! I've never seen one for real before! I wonder if they'll let us go inside!"

"They mean to stop us, sir!" female Oogle warned.

"Why?" the Captain asked. "What did we do wrong?"

"Nothing," I said. "We did everything right. That's what they can't stand."

King Norzat added, "We violated Q.UA.K.S.S. Directive 46.3 by doing their job better than they could ever do. And to make things worse," he said with a sneer, "we probably didn't fill out the right forms."

"Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!" Zug said, shooting his foot-hand into the air. "Zug insta-port onto Q.U.A.K.S.S. ship and blast them with Zug gas bomb!"

Male Oogle ignored Zug and said, "I think we'd better try to outrun them," and he kicked in the Floozeum's turbo-thrusters.

"Why don't we talk to them?" Captain Dweezil asked. "I think I can talk them out of trying to stop our do-gooding missions!"

"There's no talking to Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser Commanders," female Oogle said. "Everything is by the book."

"Especially if Commander is Shmaldrik Blotz!" added Zug.

"Principal Shmaldrik commanding his own ship?" I said, laughing. "General Flooze would never let him! The Blotz would have to steal a ship just like we did, violating Directive 178.6, and there's no way he would break such a serious Q.U.A.K.S.S. rule."

Meanwhile, on the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser, the Commander barked at the crew piloting the ship. "Faster! We have to stop those D.O.R.X. before they try to do good on another planet!"

"Yes, Lieutenant Shmaldrik," said Quendy, trembling at the controls.

"That's Commander Shmaldrik!" the Blotz snapped, a smug smile growing on his face.

Yes, Shmaldrik the Blotz was commanding the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser on our tail. But I was right: General Flooze would never let him command a ship. Shmaldrik did, in fact, steal it, or as he put it, he borrowed it, just for a larp or two.

Shmaldrik went on. "And when we bring in the D.O.R.X., the General is going to forgive my violation of Directive 178.6 and promote me to Cruiser Commander full time!"

"Uh, Commander Shmaldrik?" Quendy asked timidly. "What if we don't stop the D.O.R.X., and we have to return to headquarters empty-handed?"

"That will not happen!" Shmaldrik bellowed. Then, with a hint of fear, he said, "That cannot happen."

Wiping some sweat off the bridge of his massive nose, the Blotz got tough again.

"WE MUST STOP THOSE D.O.R.X.!"
CHAPTER 17: A Change of Plans

"They're gaining on us!" male Oogle cried. "Even with our turbo-thrusters at full power!"

Captain Dweezil chewed a fingernail. "Are you sure we can't just talk the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser Commander into letting us go?"

Female Oogle warned, "I calculate our odds of success at zero point two percent."

"And if the Blotz is the Commander, zero point zero percent!" I insisted.

"I like those odds!" the Captain said, smiling. "I never back away from a challenge!"

Suddenly, a booming voice came over our sound system: "This is Commander Shmaldrik the Blotz of the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser Twerpius. Prepare to be arrested for violating forty-nine different Q.U.A.K.S.S. directives!"

"Shmaldrik Blotz!" Zug grunted.

"It is him!" I gasped. Turning to Captain Dweezil, I said, "We don't want to be taken back to Q.U.A.K.S.S. for a trial! They'll send us to Sheeznok Island for sure!"

The Captain looked confused. "What's that, a resort or something?"

"It's like the Dweebubu pilblot mines," I said, "but in a jungle, a lot hotter and with way more Grubwok bugs!"

Captain Dweezil turned white. "Did you say 'Grubwok bugs'?" He swallowed hard, then tried to compose himself again. "Um... maybe we should take evasive action," he said, sitting up straight. "Teeble 4 will have to wait. Reset our course for the closest friendly planet – with no Grubwok bugs!"

Male Oogle scanned his screen and stated, "Yarnoff 9 is only twenty-two kiliquonks away."

Suddenly, Zug got very excited. "Yarnoff 9! That where Zug Zortlax Convention is!"

"Zortlax Convention?" asked Captain Dweezil.

King Norzat rolled his eyes. "Zortlax is the planet Zug's chief export. The place will be swarming with the pushiest, most annoying Zug salesmen you'll ever have the displeasure to meet." He sighed. "I say we take our chances with this Shmaldrik fellow."

"No!" said the Captain. "This'll be perfect. We'll just blend in with everybody. Shmaldrik the Blotz will never be able to find us. Prepare for landing on Yarnoff 9!"

The King sniffed and turned away. "Don't say I didn't warn you."
CHAPTER 18: Lots of Zugs

Yarnoff 9 is a planet completely devoted to business conventions.

If any group of aliens from any planet in the galaxy wants to hold a convention, they know Yarnoff 9 is the place to go. They have tons of hotels, lots of Jujuburger joints, and convention booths cover almost the entire planet!

When we landed the Floozeum, we found ourselves right in the middle of the Zug Zortlax Convention. There were Zug salesmen everywhere! They all looked just like our very own Zug, so we were worried about losing him in the crowd. We just hoped that if he ran off, he'd have the sense to find us again.

There were all sorts of other aliens around too. They were all there to order their own batch of Zortlax. Zortlax was a tasty paste that people everywhere smeared on everything they could think of. It was somehow the perfect condiment for just about every food on every planet in the galaxy.

But there was some mystery about it: No one knew what it was made of!

The Zugs had successfully kept the recipe secret for hundreds of nibzats, and, as far as anybody knew, it hadn't changed in all that time. Well, actually, they did once try to introduce New Zortlax, a sweeter, pastier version, but everybody hated it. It tasted good on nothing, and it gave everyone terrible gas!

There was even a suspicion that our own Zug was the one who came up with the idea for New Zortlax, but he'd always denied it.

Soon after we landed the Floozeum, we saw Shmaldrik's Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser land too, so we stayed hidden deep within the crowd. We knew that Shmaldrik would know Oogle, Zug and me on sight, so we quickly bought some clothes to disguise ourselves.

We all stayed close to Zug since he seemed to know his way around. He'd actually been a Zortlax salesman in his youth, and he'd been to more Zortlax conventions than he could count. So every other Zug here knew him really well, and he had something of a reputation – a reputation for being a party animal!

The fact is, nobody can party like a Zug.

And no Zug can party like our Zug!

Which actually made it kind of hard to stay out of sight.

The trouble began early: Nearly every convention booth offered a free glass of Zugade to wash down free samples of Zortlax. But Zug hadn't had Zugade since he left his home planet, so here he couldn't get enough of it. Before we knew it, Zug was jumping up on tables and doing Zug karaoke with a Yarnoffian lampshade on his head!

Way to blend in, Zug! (Not!)

Meanwhile, Captain Dweezil and the rest of us were trying to work out an escape plan. We'd have to wait for Shmaldrik and his crew to get totally lost amongst all these convention booths, and then we'd make a break for the Floozeum.

But Shmaldrik wasn't really venturing very deep into the convention... so Captain Dweezil came up with an idea. "This Blotz character knows all you guys, but he doesn't know me, right?" He brushed his hair back and slapped on a confident grin. "Watch and learn."

While we all watched from our hiding places, Captain Dweezil walked right up to Shmaldrik the Blotz and said, "Hey, you want a tip? The best Zortlax here is waaaay in the back. The guy's name is Zug. Tell him Dweez-... uh, Dweevlerb sent you. He'll give you a honey of a deal!"

But Shmaldrik clearly wasn't interested. "Out of my way. I'm here on official Q.U.A.K.S.S. business."

"Uh... okay," the Captain said, "then how about a nice refreshing glass of Zugade? You can get the best Zugade waaaay in the back, right next to –"

"Quiet!" Shmaldrik snapped. "Now get out of my way or I'll arrest you for interfering with a Q.U.A.K.S.S. investigation!"

Just then, Zug finished his karaoke song and spotted Shmaldrik in the crowd. But he had had so much Zugade to drink, he was seriously loopy, and he ran up to Shmaldrik and shoved the microphone into his hand. "You sing Zug song next!"

The Blotz backed away, so disgusted by Zug that he didn't even look him straight in the eye. (Phew!) But then, the Yarnoffian lampshade fell off Zug's head, and Shmaldrik got a better look at him. "Hold on. Don't I know –"

King Norzat zoomed up on his hover-throne. Interrupting the Blotz, he asked, "Why are you wasting your time with these repulsive Zugs, Commander? Come over to my booth. Just follow me; it's waaaay in the back." The King grabbed Shmaldrik's hand and tried to pull him deeper into the warren of convention booths.

But Shmaldrik just angrily pulled his hand away and stopped the show with a big announcement. "Zugs and other random aliens! I am Commander Shmaldrik the Blotz of Q.U.A.K.S.S., and you are violating Directive 289.6, harboring fugitives from justice! Anybody who is caught protecting members of the D.O.R.X. space gang can and will be prosecuted!"

Unfortunately, this immediately infuriated Zug, and since he was still loopy from all the Zugade, he marched up to Shmaldrik and said, "Who you call space gang?! We heroes of good!"

The Blotz glared at Zug... but then his eyes lit up with recognition. "Zug! It's you! I never forget a face – especially the face of one of the worst students I ever had!"

Zug looked offended. "Not 'one of worst'. Worst!" He smiled, fondly remembering his few short months at the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Academy.

But Zug's smile disappeared when Shmaldrik slapped a pair of handcuffs onto his foot-hands. "Got you!" sneered the Blotz. "Now, where are your partners in crime?...

"...Especially your new leader whose name starts with a D!"
CHAPTER 19: To the Zugmobile!

Shmaldrik the Blotz turned to King Norzat. "Are you a member of the so-called D.O.R.X.?!"

Then he turned to Captain Dweezil. "How about you, Dweevlerb, if that's your real name. But it does, in fact, start with a D. Are you Dweevlerb of Dweevlerb's Order of Rebel Xenophiles?!"

Suddenly, Shmaldrik whipped out two more pairs of handcuffs and started to slap them on King Norzat and the Captain! The King was caught unaware, but Captain Dweezil slipped out of his hands!

Then he ran and jumped on a hovering Zugmobile that was parked nearby, and he took off!

"Get him!" the Blotz screamed at his Q.U.A.K.S.S. crew, and they all jumped on Zugmobiles too. It was Shmaldrik, Quendy and two Q.U.A.K.S.S. Academy cadets, all zooming after Captain Dweezil!

The Captain zigged and zagged through all the convention booths, steering the Zugmobile like a pro. "It's just like Freaky Alien Race 6!" he cheered.

But Shmaldrik and his crew were gaining on him.

So the Captain took a sharp right, cutting right through a big crowd of Zug salesman. He managed to avoid hitting the Zugs, but then he saw what they were crowding around: a huge sculpture of the Premier of Zug made entirely out of Zortlax! The Captain swerved at the last lorpnoid and steered safely around the sculpture. (Yay, Captain Dweezil!)

But Shmaldrik wasn't so lucky. He screamed and slammed into it, Zortlax flying everywhere!

Quendy and the two cadets got splattered with the mess as they zoomed by, still on Captain Dweezil's tail.

Furious, the Blotz jumped back on his Zugmobile as Zug salesmen burst out laughing all around him.

Up ahead, Captain Dweezil knew he had to lose Shmaldrik for good if he wanted all us D.O.R.X. to escape safely. So he did a lot of trick driving, zooming under tables and flying over sales displays.

Then he took a detour through the Yarnoffian sewer! "It smells like a thousand Zug gas bombs went off all at once down here!" he said, wincing and holding his nose.

But Shmaldrik flew right down into the sewer after the Captain, with Quendy and the cadets right behind.

The Yarnoffian flibrats that lived in the sewer snapped at everybody from the slimy walls. Captain Dweezil was able to dodge them (Yay again, Captain Dweezil!), but when Shmaldrik sped by, they attacked! (They were probably hungry for the Zortlax smeared all over the Blotz's body.) He screamed like a baby, but he finally managed to peel the flibrats off his face and throw them behind him...

...where they landed right on Quendy! But Quendy didn't scream. She just said, "Nice flibrats. Sorry for bothering you." (Good for you, Quendy!) Then they jumped off her...

...and attacked the cadets behind her!

Up ahead, Captain Dweezil was doing great. But he realized he might not be able to outrun Shmaldrik, so he took a sharp turn around a corner, and he stopped fast so he could hide in the shadows.

His ruse worked! Shmaldrik, Quendy and the cadets (still fighting off the flibrats) zoomed by and right out of the sewer.

The Captain wiped his brow and tried to catch his breath.

But just as he was about to quietly sneak back out of the sewer, he heard some voices.

Peering around a corner, Captain Dweezil saw two sets of Zug hands-feet standing in the shallow sewer water. He could hear the two Zugs talking, but, strangely, they didn't sound like Zugs. So he looked up and saw that these two aliens weren't Zugs at all! They were wearing Zug costumes which were open at the top, revealing their true faces which were even more disgusting and slimy than a Zug's!

Captain Dweezil strained to hear their conversation: "...The Zortlax will be sent to virtually every planet in the Querx Galaxy... where the Snertnot powder we've mixed into it will explode!" They both laughed, then the other one said, "Finally, the Snert Galaxy will take its place as the best galaxy in the universe! Goodbye, Querx! Hello, Snert!!"

Captain Dweezil couldn't believe his ears. He'd just overheard a plan to destroy the entire Querx Galaxy!

And so he knew that he and the rest of us D.O.R.X. would have to take on our most important mission of all: to stop the galactic spread of Snertnot-flavored Zortlax paste before it was too late!
CHAPTER 20: Saving the Galaxy

Captain Dweezil shot out of the sewer on his Zugmobile and flew back into the Zug Zortlax Convention.

But he no longer cared about running from Shmaldrik the Blotz. His mission now was to save the Querx Galaxy!

The Captain ditched his Zugmobile, jumped on a table, grabbed a Zug karaoke microphone and screamed at the top of his lungs: "Don't order any Zortlax! Agents in disguise from the Snert Galaxy plan to contaminate it when the orders are sent out! Then the Zortlax will explode and destroy all your planets!"

The whole place went silent.

Then, all at once, everybody cracked up laughing!

Except for Oogle, King Norzat, Zug and me. We just stared at Captain Dweezil in shock.

But Shmaldrik the Blotz was smiling. "I've got him," he said as he and his crew started to move in on the Captain.

"I'm serious!" Captain Dweezil continued. "It's the Snertians! They want the universe all to themselves!"

The crowd burst out laughing once again, this time the Zugs being the loudest. And our very own Zug called out, "Snert Galaxy stupid! Querx Galaxy good! Zug good too! And Zortlax best!!" This drew a huge cheer from the crowd, so big that the whole place was shaking!

Captain Dweezil could only look around, helpless, as his warning went unheeded.

Then Shmaldrik just walked up and slapped handcuffs on him. The Captain was so stunned, he didn't even put up a fight.

I felt so sorry for him. He risked his freedom to try to save the galaxy!

Then Shmaldrik's men grabbed the rest of us D.O.R.X. too.

"For the violation of Q.U.A.K.S.S. Directives 46.3, 178.6 and forty-seven others," the Blotz said, "you will return to Q.U.A.K.S.S. Headquarters for trial, judgment and execution!"

Quendy quickly whispered something to him.

Shmaldrik rolled his buggy eyes. "Okay, just imprisonment then... on Sheeznok Island!"
CHAPTER 21: Just a Boy

There we were, all of us D.O.R.X. locked up on the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser Twerpius, commanded by Shmaldrik the Blotz!

All we wanted to do was be heroes of the good in the Querx Galaxy, saving planets in need wherever we roamed. But now our faithful starship Floozeum was being towed like a load of space trash behind the Twerpius. And the entire galaxy was in danger of being destroyed, and there was nothing we could do about it!

"I always knew you three were no good," sneered Shmaldrik, talking to Oogle, Zug and me, his former students. "But to be in violation of forty-nine Q.U.A.K.S.S. directives, some of which I wrote myself! And to have partnered up with these two derelicts..." he said, gesturing to Captain Dweezil and King Norzat.

"I'll have you know, I'm a king!" King Norzat said snootily. "I descended from a long line of lots of other kings!"

"I happen to know you were kicked off your planet!" said the Blotz. Then he turned to Captain Dweezil. "And what about you? Are you a king too?" he asked with a snicker.

"No," the Captain said sadly. "I'm just a boy."

I looked at Captain Dweezil closely. All his confidence seemed to be gone. Just a moment ago, he was a brave starship Captain trying to save the universe. But now that he was behind bars, he seemed almost scared. He just didn't believe in himself anymore.

But I wasn't scared of the Blotz! He was just a pencil-pusher to me! "You're making a big mistake, Principal Shmaldrik!" I said.

"Commander Shmaldrik!" he insisted, fuming.

"There's no way General Flooze made you Commander of your own ship!" I said, rolling my eyes.

Shmaldrik got super defensive. "Of course he did! I'm commanding this ship, aren't I?!"

I noticed his assistant, Quendy, trying to look away, so I turned to her and asked, "Did General Flooze make this joker Commander of this ship?"

"Uh... I..." was all that Quendy could say.

I folded my arms. "I knew it!"

Shmaldrik glared down at Quendy. "I'll deal with you later!"

Both male and female Oogle were getting quite angry listening to all this. "Stop wasting time!" female Oogle snapped. "Don't you realize we have to stop the Snertians from blowing up every planet in the galaxy?!"

"So says this boy," Shmaldrik sniffed in contempt.

I looked over at Captain Dweezil. He just turned away, ashamed.

"What's the problem?" King Norzat asked the Blotz. "Is there no Q.U.A.K.S.S. directive prohibiting blowing up the galaxy? So you're not allowed to do anything about it?"

"He's right!" I said. "You're so hung up on rules and directives that you don't even know how to be a Cruiser Commander! Real commanders make tough decisions, they don't just follow stupid rules! So stand up straight! Be a blotz your mother could be proud of! That's how you'll become a real Cruiser Commander!"

Shmaldrik just sat in his chair, steaming. Then he turned to me and hissed, "The way I'll become a real Cruiser Commander is by bringing in the renegade team of drop-outs that violated forty-nine directives and stole General Flooze's traveling Q.U.A.K.S.S. museum!"

Without having to say a word to each other, I think we all realized that if we were going to save the galaxy, we'd have to escape and do it ourselves.

But for now, we were trapped.

And our leader seemed to be having a crisis of confidence. The chances of him coming up with a brilliant escape plan seemed pretty small right now.

We D.O.R.X. had never been in a tighter spot.
CHAPTER 22: We Learn Our Fate

When we got to Q.U.A.K.S.S. Headquarters on Heeble 2, we were immediately brought before the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Disciplinary Tribunal, headed by General Flooze himself.

It took over ten-thousand lorpnoids for Shmaldrik the Blotz to read all the charges. Somehow, our number of violations of Q.U.A.K.S.S. directives went up from forty-nine to three-hundred and six!

But when the General finally spoke, he wasn't looking at us, he was glaring at Shmaldrik.  
"Before we get to these so-called D.O.R.X., I'd like to know why you, Shmaldrik the Blotz, ran off with a Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser without my permission!"

Shmaldrik started to sweat a little. "I had no time, General. The D.O.R.X. were traveling about the galaxy, brazenly violating Q.U.A.K.S.S. directives, interfering in the goings-on of one planet after another without proper authority!"

I jumped up and yelled, "We were helping planets in need!"

"Quiet!" shouted General Flooze. "Helping planets in need is the responsibility of Q.U.A.K.S.S., not some ragtag band of reprobates!"

Now female Oogle spoke out. "But Q.U.A.K.S.S. was nowhere to be found! Those planets needed help right away!"

"Q.U.A.K.S.S. would've gotten there eventually!" insisted the General.

"And with the proper paperwork completed!" added Shmaldrik.

"Paperwork?!" King Norzat bellowed. "How much paperwork is required before you are able to stop the Zug Zortlax attack from the Snert Galaxy?!"

Zug turned to the King, offended. "Zug Zortlax good!"

King Norzat whispered to Zug impatiently, "But they're going to put explosive powder in it, remember?"

Zug looked down at the floor, sad. "Poor Zortlax..."

The General looked down his long nose and said, "If the Querx Galaxy is, in fact, in danger, Q.U.A.K.S.S. would surely know about it. The law-abiding people of the galaxy have nothing to worry about."

Then he glared at us D.O.R.X. "You, on the other hand, will have plenty to worry about in your new home, Sheeznok Island!" And with that, he slammed his gavel, and the guards started to drag us away.

Desperate, I looked over at Captain Dweezil, hoping he'd be able to make a final plea to General Flooze.

But the Captain seemed without hope, just like before.
CHAPTER 23: Welcome to Sheeznok Island

CRASH! The gates to the Sheeznok Island Prison Camp were slammed shut behind us.

We looked around at the shabby huts that the prisoners lived in. We couldn't believe that this was to be our new home for the next fifty nibzats... give or take a frappizaner. Then we got a look at some of the prisoners. They were a tougher, meaner bunch than the ones in the Dweebubu pilblot mines!

Shmaldrik the Blotz, however, was having one of the best larps of his life. General Flooze decided to forgive him for secretly taking off with the Twerpius to go after the D.O.R.X. After all, that showed the kind of initiative he didn't think the Blotz had. So, after some shameless begging by Shmaldrik, the General decided he'd make him the official Commander of the Twerpius.

The Blotz could barely contain his excitement. But then he realized that he actually deserved more. After all, he not only captured the D.O.R.X., he also brought back the General's beloved Floozeum starship! That should be worth an even bigger promotion, shouldn't it?

General Flooze resisted, but when he saw the Floozeum for the first time in nibzats, he nearly started to cry. And in his weakened state, he granted Shmaldrik whatever he wanted.

And what the Blotz wanted was to be declared Vice Potentate of Q.U.A.K.S.S.!

Shmaldrik couldn't believe his luck. Now his lifelong dream of becoming Grand Potentate of Q.U.A.K.S.S. was only one step away!

Now, back to Sheeznok Island, the thirteenth moon of Heeble 2.

We D.O.R.X. were stuck in the prison camp...

...surrounded by a fence that was only there to keep creepy moon creatures out...

...because of the crazy jungle that surrounded the whole camp and covered the whole rest of the moon...

...meaning there was literally no way to escape from this place!

But, of course, none of this would matter when the Snertnot-flavored Zortlax got delivered to all the planets in the galaxy. Then there would be a bunch of big BOOMS, and everything would be over in just a few larps.

In spite of the impending doom, we all did our best to fit in. Male and female Oogle tried to get to know some of the other prisoners. Zug checked out the food. (He was impressed.) King Norzat discovered a couple Shamzatian prisoners and convinced them he was still King of Shamzat.

And Captain Dweezil just found a rock to sit on and stare at the ground.

I went over to the Captain and climbed up onto his shoulder. I didn't know what to say... but I did know that without him leading us, we didn't have a chance.

"I know things look impossible, Captain," I said, "but that's what you're great at! Getting us out of impossible situations!"

"Yeah," he said wearily, "after I get us into them first." He glanced around the dingy camp. "This is worse than orkzerb detention."

Then Captain Dweezil kicked a rock angrily. "I always just wanted to stand out from the rest, not be so invisible. Well, I got my chance, all right. But I guess I went too far. Let's face it – I'm no leader. Whether I like it or not, I really am just Dweezil Sneezil, offspring number 147 of Horst and Pribny Sneezil, Deep Space City #232, quadrant 44.9.

"And," Captain Dweezil added, "I miss my home."
CHAPTER 24: Out for a Spin

Back at Q.U.A.K.S.S. Headquarters, General Flooze stepped into his beloved Floozeum for the first time in nibzats.

He was horrified at the condition of the ship. He had been in the process of turning it into a traveling Q.U.A.K.S.S. museum when Oogle, Zug and I "borrowed" it a few nibzats ago. And now, seeing it in such bad shape (Hey, we'd gone on a lot of missions!), he vowed that this time he'd complete the museum once and for all.

But first – a little joy ride! Being back in the first ship he ever commanded brought him back to his youth, and he wanted to relive those nibzats, if only for just a few horples.

General Flooze sat down at the controls and powered up the Floozeum. The vibration and hum of the engines gave him a terrific thrill. "You'll always be my baby!" he said.

Then he flew out of the landing bay and off into space!

The General felt that not a larp had past since he last piloted the Floozeum. He zoomed and zipped around Heeble 2's thirteen moons, doing loop-de-loops and barrel rolls like a young boy taking out his father's family cruiser for a spin. "Woo-eee!" he sang as he kicked in the turbo-thrusters, sending the ship blasting towards moon number thirteen, at top speed.

And then he felt a shudder. Followed by the engines cutting off.

Followed by the Floozeum diving straight down towards the moon below... Sheeznok Island!
CHAPTER 25: A New Rescue Mission!

Captain Dweezil was still in a deep blue funk, sitting on a rock in the middle of the Sheeznok Island Prison Camp, when he saw a large object flash across the sky.

I saw it too, and so did Oogle. (Zug was too busy eating, and King Norzat was too busy ordering his new servants around.)

"Isn't that... the Floozeum?!" I asked in shock.

Then we all heard a big SMASH as the ship appeared to crash far away, deep in the Sheeznok Jungle!

"Who could be flying the Floozeum?" male Oogle wondered. "I hope they're all okay," added female Oogle.

But as everybody looked at the smoke rising from far away, Captain Dweezil stood up with a gleam of an idea in his eye. Then his expression hardened, a feeling of purpose returning to him.

"We have to save them!" he declared.

Zug wobbled up, his mouth full, his hands-feet barely able to hold up his full tummy. "Who them?" he asked.

"I don't know," said the Captain, "but they need our help!"

Oogle walked up. "The Sheeznok Jungle has 7,965 species of animals, birds and insects," female Oogle recalled from memory.

"How many are considered dangerous," I asked.

"7,965."

The King hovered over, followed by his servants. "Are you suggesting we venture out into the jungle to save someone we don't even know?"

I turned to Oogle and asked, "How many people have attempted escape from the Sheeznok Island Prison Camp?"

"432," female Oogle answered.

"And how many disappeared into the jungle, never to be seen again?"

"432."

Captain Dweezil smiled. "I like those odds!"

Our Captain was back!

Just half a horple later, we had escaped from the camp and were trekking through the jungle. As I mentioned before, none of the guards really cared if anybody escaped from the prison camp since there was no way to survive in the Sheeknok Jungle anyway. After all, there were 7,965 types of creatures that didn't look very kindly on a 7,966th type of creature intruding on their jungle home.

But that didn't matter to us D.O.R.X.! We had braved worse circumstances than this to come to the aid of people in need!

Okay, maybe these were the worst circumstances we'd ever faced. But it was either that or rot away in the Sheeznok Island Prison Camp.

Okay, maybe we didn't all agree to go on this rescue mission. We had to drag King Norzat out kicking and screaming.

And okay, maybe we did have to roll Zug out sideways since he'd eaten so much that he temporarily lost the use of his hands-feet.

But we were the mighty D.O.R.X again, and we were ready and eager to return to being heroes of the good!

As we hiked into the jungle, female Oogle ran down a list of the many creatures we should watch out for: "Grubwok bugs, Chalbort beasts, Orverd worms, Pordium hawks, leaping Arbwurnium Weeble monkeys, gnawing Stickly Bortle ticks, toe-tickling Quopple lizards –"

"Enough!" insisted King Norzat.

"But I've got 7,958 to go."

"I get it!" the King said. "We're crazy for entering this jungle!"

"Crazy like a tredlat!" said Captain Dweezil with a wink.

"Tredlats went extinct a thousand nibzats ago" said the King.

"I know," said the Captain, "but they were really smart. And bonkers!"

Suddenly, Zug collapsed. "Zug not walk. Zug hands-feet hurt."

Worried, we all rushed over to him. If Zug couldn't walk, then what could we do?

Then Captain Dweezil got an idea. "Hey, why not walk on your feet-hands instead of your hands-feet? They're better for walking anyway!"

The Captain had a point. Back on the planet Zug, Zugs normally walked on their hands-feet anyway. That was because gravity was reversed on Zug, and everybody walked around on the ceiling! But, even though gravity was normal here, Zug gave it a try. But his head was upside-down now, and this made him very confused. He just toppled over again.

We were about to give up, but King Norzat, of all people, actually came to the rescue. "He can hang onto my hover-throne," he said reluctantly. "But not for long – I'm running low on power!" So Zug grabbed a hold of the underside of the King's hover-throne, and the King hovered along with Zug hanging under him!

"Zug like hovering!" Zug said with a grunt-like chuckle.

"Don't get used to it, chubby!" King Norzat snapped back.
CHAPTER 26: A Ticklish Situation

We continued on towards the crash site of the Floozeum, but we hadn't walked even half a kiliquonk before we were attacked by a pack of toe-tickling Quopple lizards!

I instantly regretted going off on this rescue mission. Sorry, but I'm very ticklish!

The lizards started licking all our toes, and we couldn't keep from laughing hysterically. They had us dancing around, desperate to get to safety, and, in no time, we were too exhausted to keep going.

How were we going to get to the crash site now?

And what other attacks were we to expect if we were lucky enough to escape this one?

Just then, Captain Dweezil spotted something ahead. "Hey, what're those?" he said, pointing to some tall, fuzzy creatures with long, thin legs.

"Philbot ostriches," said female Oogle. "They can actually be tamed. But, be careful – sometimes they try to peck your eyes out."

We decided it was worth taking that chance.

The Captain ran ahead, and we all followed as fast as we could, staying just millimeters away from the tickling lizards. Then, when we got to the Philbot ostriches, we each jumped up onto one of them and held on tight!

At first, they kicked and bucked like crazy (and they tried to peck our eyes out). But none of us let go, so they finally gave in.

And then they took off! We blasted through the jungle in record time, Captain Dweezil leading the way, whooping it up like a Plortian dwartleberry! "It's just like Freaky Alien Ostrich Run 9!" he cheered.

But not everybody was happy. Zug started complaining about his feet-hands since he had to hang on so tightly to the Philbot ostrich's neck. "Zug not hold on good!"

Luckily, we soon spotted the crashed Floozeum up ahead.

"We made it!" yelled Captain Dweezil as he hopped off his Philbot ostrich. We all jumped down from our ostriches too, and everybody ran up to the ship.

It was a wreck! The wings were broken, the engines seemed burnt out, and there were spare parts scattered everywhere.

But where was the pilot?

We ran inside and noticed somebody passed out in the pilot's seat. We got a better look at him... and we couldn't believe our eyes.

It was General Flooze!

Oogle slapped the General's face. "General! General Flooze, wake up!"

Finally, the General came to. He blinked his eyes a few times and gasped. Then he took a good look at Oogle and screamed, "The Klertzians are attacking!"

Captain Dweezil stepped up. "Calm down, General. We're here to help you!... even though you sentenced us to fifty nibzats on Sheeznok Island – give or take a few frappizaners."

The General looked around, finally realizing who we were. "You?! What're you D.O.R.X. rabble doing out of the prison camp?!"

"Saving your life, sir!" I snapped, furious. Some people are just impossible!

"And saving the galaxy!" the Captain said. "When a Q.U.A.K.S.S. team comes to rescue you, we can fly off and stop the Stertnot powder-flavored Zortlax from being spread throughout the galaxy!"

"There's not gonna be any rescue team," the General grumbled. "The crash destroyed the ship's homing beacon. Nobody knows where I am. Nobody knows I even left!"

"Well," Captain Dweezil said, "we'll fix up the Floozeum and be out of here in no time."

Everybody looked around the wrecked Floozeum in disbelief.

"This thing can't fly again!" King Norzat scoffed. "No, we'd better just settle down and make this jungle our home. I'm sure I can find a pack of leaping Arbwurnium Weeble monkeys to worship me as their god."

"Zug afraid of Weeble monkeys," Zug said as he huddled in a corner.

"There's no time!" the Captain insisted. Then he turned to Oogle. "Oogle, can you fix up this ship and make it fly again?"

Oogle looked around, inspecting the ship in detail. Then male Oogle said, "It should take me two krelzoids and 973 horples, give or take a frappi-"

"Forget the frappizaners! We need this done fast!"

Female Oogle spoke up now. "We can do it."

"Then let's get going!" Captain Dweezil cheered.

Both male and female Oogles started barking out orders, and we all got to work.

But none of us noticed the hundreds of eyes watching us from the surrounding jungle...
CHAPTER 27: Too Many Monkeys

While we were stranded in the Sheeznok Jungle, Vice Potentate Shmaldrik the Blotz was meticulously organizing his files in his new office.

Suddenly, Quendy rushed in, breathless. "Lieutenant Shmaldrik! General Flooze is –"

"Vice Potentate Shmaldrik!" the Blotz insisted.

"Yes, your Vice Potentate...ness," Quendy fumbled. "General Flooze has disappeared!"

"What do you mean 'disappeared'?"

"The Floozeum is missing too, sir."

"Ah," Shmaldrik said, putting the two things together. "Well, not to worry. Find the Floozeum and you'll find the General."

"That's the problem, sir. They can't find the Floozeum," Quendy said, worried. "They're getting no response from it, and the homing beacon isn't even signalling."

"No response?" Shmaldrik said, raising his eyebrow.

"With your approval, I'll arrange for a search party to be sent –"

"Wait!" the Blotz interrupted. He stood up and rubbed his chin. "Forget about a search party. Where would they search? It's a big galaxy out there."

"But he can't have traveled that far. Or maybe he was kidnapped! If we just –"

"Just what? Waste the time of our Q.U.A.K.S.S. Rescue teams looking for General Flooze when the man could be anywhere? When it might take nibzats to find him?" Shmaldrik stepped out from behind his new desk. "No, we must think of the people of the Querx Galaxy. They need a fully functioning government with a fully functioning leader." He puffed his chest out with false bluster.

"They need Grand Potentate Shmaldrik the Blotz!"

Meanwhile, we D.O.R.X. were working hard to repair the Floozeum. It looked like an impossible task, but, thanks to Captain Dweezil, we'd accomplished a lot of impossible tasks lately.

But then... the leaping Arbwurnium Weeble monkeys moved in.

In a flash, they were upon us! They jumped all over the Floozeum, screaming at the tops of their lungs. They snatched the tools from our hands and held them up high like trophies!

"Hey, give that back!" demanded Captain Dweezil. But when he reached out to grab back his hammer, Oogle stopped him.

"No!" warned female Oogle. "Never threaten a leaping Arbwurnium Weeble monkey! He might weeble on you!"

"What's that?" the Captain asked.

"You don't want to know."

King Norzat said, "I told you this was a waste of time! The monkeys will never let us leave. We must make the best of our situation and join their tribe!" Then he turned to the monkeys and announced, "I am here, my subjects! You may now worship me as your divine ruler!"

The monkeys actually quieted down. They looked at each other as if they were thinking about the King's offer.

Then they turned back to King Norzat and threw all our tools at him!

The King shielded him self from the onslaught, hovering all around on his hover-throne to avoid getting hit.

But, suddenly, the monkeys stopped. They stared at the King in awe. Then the boldest one stepped slowly forward and touched King Norzat's hover-throne. A few other monkeys followed the first one and touched the hover-throne too. They were in awe!

The King picked up on this immediately, and he started to hover around to impress the monkeys. They hooted and hollered in excitement, and they dropped the rest of the tools and gathered around King Norzat.

"Yes!" the King shouted. "Bow before me and my magic throne! I am your new king and master!"

Suddenly, General Flooze stepped up. "Wait a lorpnoid! I'm the ruler around here!"

In unison, all the monkeys hissed at General Flooze and gave him the stink-eye.

The General backed away, terrified. "Uh... forget I said anything." Distraught, he plopped down on a tree stump. "We're doomed."

"No, we're not," said Captain Dweezil. "Let them worship the King. That way, they won't be bothering us. We've got a ship to fix!"

The Captain was right. So we all got back to work rebuilding the Floozeum. And we actually worked faster than before because King Norzat had kind of been slowing us down. (Never hire a king to repair a starship. He'll take too many breaks.)
CHAPTER 28: The Jungle Awakens

Back at Q.U.A.K.S.S. Headquarters, Shmaldrik the Blotz wasted no time seizing power from the absent General Flooze.

He moved into the General's office and immediately started issuing new Q.U.A.K.S.S. directives as fast as Quendy could write them down.

"New Directive 537.1: No person or persons should prevent a planet from being flooded without Q.U.A.K.S.S. approval in writing!" he ordered.

"Is this in regard to Sylop 7 in quadrant 36.2, Lieutenant Shmal-... I mean, Vice Potentate Shmal-... I mean, Grand Potentate Shmaldrik?" Quendy asked as she frantically took notes.

"It is," the Blotz confirmed. "And to reverse the flagrant violation of Q.U.A.K.S.S. authority by the so-called D.O.R.X., I order that Sylop 7 be re-flooded as soon as possible."

"Re-flooded??"

"New Directive 537.2," Shmaldrik went on, ignoring Quendy's question. "No person or persons should split a planet in half without Q.U.A.K.S.S. approval in writing!"

"And this is about Dweebubu, correct, sir?"

"It is."

"And I assume you want the two halves glued back together as soon as possible as well?"

"I do."

"Sir, if I may suggest," Quendy said hesitantly, "wouldn't it be better to leave Sylop 7 un-flooded and Dweebubu split in half? I mean, the two tribes of Dweebubu are at peace for the first time in –"

"The people of the Querx Galaxy want change, Corporal, and I'm going to give it to them!" Shmaldrik bellowed.

"But... you're changing everything for the worse."

"Change is change!" the Blotz insisted. "Now issue those directives and then come back to me for more!"

"Yes... Grand Potentate Shmaldrik," Quendy grumbled as she shuffled towards the door.

Quendy used to respect Shmaldrik the Blotz. But now she wasn't so sure. She wondered if his newfound power had gone to his head.

Deep in the Sheeznok Jungle, we D.O.R.X. had almost put the entire Floozeum back together! King Norzat was keeping the leaping Arbwurnium Weeble monkeys busy building him a palace made of sticks... or possibly made of the bones of all the previous escapees from the prison camp. (I tried not to look too closely to find out.)

Finally, it was time to start up the ship.

Captain Dweezle powered up the engines. They sounded very groany and crackly – but they worked!

We'd done it! Now we could escape from Sheeznok Island... and save the galaxy!

But we had a problem. The monkeys didn't want King Norzat to go. Not only that, King Norzat didn't want King Norzat to go. "Finally, I am back where I truly belong! Ruling millions who live only to fulfill my every wish!" he shouted with glee.

Oogle looked around at the scrappy pack of monkeys. "I only see about thirty monkeys here," male Oogle said.

"There are millions more in the jungle!" the King insisted. "And once my palace is fully built, they will come here to bow down at my feet in obedience!"

"You ever wonder what happened to their last king?" female Oogle asked. "I think his bones make up your new palace's front steps."

King Norzat froze. Then he quietly said, "I shall miss them deeply," and he speed-hovered into the Floozeum to join the rest of us.

Inside the ship, Captain Dweezil slowly increased the engine power as Zug started to close the main hatch. But then the monkeys leapt up onto the hatch and tried to pull it back open!

"Lift off fast!" King Norzat screamed. "I don't like the way they're staring at me!"

But the Captain couldn't give the ship any more power. "The engines are barely holding together!" he called back. "If I gun them too much, they might fall apart!"

I looked out the window at the crazy monkeys... but then I realized there weren't just monkeys out there. The monkeys' screams seemed to be calling every creepy jungle creature to join them, and, before we knew it...

...we were being attacked from all sides!

Chalbort beasts were ramming the hull!

Orverd worms were chewing on the wires!

Pordium hawks were dive-bombing us!

Gnawing Stickly Bortle ticks were crawling all over us!

And Grubwok bugs were swarming all around the ship, blocking our view!

Captain Dweezil tried desperately to get the Floozeum to lift off, but it was no use! We were coming back down, and fast!

"I can't hold it!" he screamed. "Prepare for impact!"

It was looking hopeless. All our efforts were soon to be for nothing. We were going to be trapped on Sheeznok Island forever!

But then I saw Zug stand up with a very strange look on his face. I'd seen that look just a few times before, and I knew what it meant.

"Zug do Zug gas bomb!" Zug announced as he tensed-up and angled himself towards the half-open hatch. "It our only hope!"

I yelled, "Incoming!!!" and everybody dove under the console.

FWOOOOOOOOOONNNNNK!!!!

The jungle shook as if blasted by a hurricane mixed with a volcanic eruption mixed with all the fathomless cries of history itself.

And, all at once, all the creatures that surrounded the Floozeum fell away, stunned into submission by Zug's colossal, malodorous gas bomb.

We in the ship would have cheered Zug if not for the fact that we were all in shock as well. In fact, Captain Dweezil nearly lost control of the ship! But he powered it back up just in time, and we eventually flew up fast (if a little shakily)...

...and shot out into space!

We made it! We'd escaped from Sheeznok Island!

We all cheered and jumped up and down – even General Flooze!

But Zug wasn't cheering. His eyelids were heavy, and he seemed drained.

"Zug take nap now," he said, and he passed out, collapsing to the floor, emitting a tiny Zug gas bomb as he hit it.

Fwonk...
CHAPTER 29: The Drone Wars

General Flooze stood up with authority and addressed us all: "You are all heroes of the Querx Galaxy! Return to Q.U.A.K.S.S. headquarters where I will give you official commendations!"

"That sounds great," Captain Dweezil said, "but we've got more important things on our plate right now – like saving the galaxy from a big batch of Zortlax gone wrong!"

And with that, we sped out into the heart of the galaxy. We were on a D.O.R.X. mission again – perhaps the most important D.O.R.X. mission ever!

But how were we going to stop the mass of rotten Zortlax from being sent to every planet in the galaxy?

First we had to find out how the Snerts were planning to deliver their Snertnot powder-infused Zortlax to so many planets so quickly.

We soon had our answer. "Delivery drones dead ahead, Captain!" announced male Oogle.

We looked out and saw them: Thousands of delivery drones carrying big batches of Zortlax off in every direction!

"There are drones as far as the eye can see, Captain!" I cried. "How're we going to stop them all?"

Captain Dweezil settled himself in the pilot's seat and grabbed a hold of the weapons controls.

"One at a time," he said with a devilish grin.

Suddenly, he started BLASTING the drones one after another, firing the Gleemnom laser blasters at lightning speed.

The drones were dropping like Tiznak flies!

Sometimes the Captain would just hit a batch of Zortlax hanging under a drone, and since it was contaminated with Snertnot powder, it would explode into a huge fireball!

And then, if he saw a bunch of drones hovering together, he'd fire a Foob torpedo and wipe them out all at once!

"WOO-EEE!" the Captain cheered. "This is just like Freaky Alien Drone Wars 5!"

Once again, General Flooze was highly impressed. "I've never seen such fighting skill! Son, have you ever considered joining the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Academy?"

Captain Dweezil froze and turned to stare at the General. "Really??"

"Captain, the drones!" warned male Oogle.

The Captain snapped out of his daze and quickly returned to piloting the ship. "I'll have to deal with that later, General," the Captain said. "I've got Snertian drones to blast!" Then he glanced at Oogle. "How many have I shot down?"

"759," female Oogle said.

We all CHEERED! We were going to save the galaxy!

"Just 254,766 to go."

We were all stunned. Captain Dweezil stopped firing on the drones as his jaw dropped and the blood drained from his face. "There's no way I can blast that many drones!"

The General spoke up. "I'll order Q.U.A.K.S.S.'s entire fleet to destroy them!"

"I'm sorry, General," male Oogle said, "but my calculations show they'd be too late. The drones are just two to four horples away from reaching their destinations."

So... was that it? Were all our efforts for nothing?

Was the Querx Galaxy soon to become a lifeless, barren wasteland?
CHAPTER 30: A Blotz on All Your Plans

We couldn't believe that we were just horples away from all life in the Querx Galaxy being blown to bits by a spreadable food product.

Captain Dweezil's head hung low. He'd never felt more powerless. No matter how many drones he would be able to shoot down, it wouldn't be enough to avoid a galactic catastrophe!

"Zug feel conflicted," Zug grumbled. "Zug love Zortlax. But Zug hate Zortlax too."

I jumped up on the Captain's shoulder and tried to console him. "Don't feel bad, Captain. At least we got a chance to help a couple of planets. And you shot down 759 drones, so that's a lot of Zortlax right there that's not going to blow up."

"If only I'd found out about the Snertian attack sooner," Captain Dweezil said with regret.

"You can't be expected to turn back time," King Norzat said.

"But wouldn't that be nice if we could?" said female Oogle. "Then we could've stopped it all before it even started." Male Oogle added, "Right. We could've just hacked into the Snertian server and canceled the Zortlax deliveries before they were even sent out."

Captain Dweezil looked up. An idea sparkled in his eye. "That's it!"

"Yes," I said, "it would've been perfect. But we can't turn back time."

The Captain stood up, suddenly energized. "I know we can't cancel the deliveries, but maybe we can hack into the server to turn all the drones around and send them back to the Snert Galaxy!"

Oogle started to think this through. "Hmm... that just might work..." male Oogle pondered.

"YES!" screamed Captain Dweezil.

"...but we'd need to do it from a main terminal of the galacti-net," female Oogle added.

General Flooze jumped up. "I have one in my office!"

Captain Dweezil launched into action. He sat back down in the pilot's seat. "Hold on!" he said as he swung the ship around and threw the turbo-thrusters into full power!

Well, none of us had a chance to hang on. So we all flew back and slammed into the back wall. Ouch.

But we were on our way back to Q.U.A.K.S.S. Headquarters to save the galaxy!

Shmaldrik the Blotz was busy decorating his new Grand Potentate's office, throwing away General Flooze's awards and commendations and replacing them with his own, when the door slammed open.

Without looking behind him, Shmaldrik yelled, "Quendy, how dare you enter my office without –"

"Lieutenant!" hissed General Flooze from the doorway.

The Blotz spun around so fast that his hat turned backwards on his head. Gasping for air, his buggy eyes buggier than they'd ever been before, he stared at the General in total shock. "General! You're alive!"

"I can't tell whether you're thrilled or disappointed," the General said as he stomped into the room. Then he picked up a shiny gold trophy from the wastebasket and turned to Shmaldrik. "My Ace Commander trophy!" he said, hurt. "I got this after flying my hundredth mission!"

"Now, how did that get in there?" the Blotz whimpered as he took the trophy from the General and returned it to the shelf.

"The question, Lieutenant," said General Flooze sternly, "is how did you get in here?!"

Shmaldrik fumbled, "Uh... I was just cleaning up for your return! Isn't that right, Quendy?" He looked around, but Quendy wasn't there. "QUENDY!!"

Corporal Quendy quickly ran into the room. "Yes, Grand Potentate Shmaldrik!"

General Flooze glared at Shmaldrik. "Grand Potentate Shmaldrik???"

Quendy suddenly spotted the General. "General Flooze! How wonderful to see you back!" She leaned close to him and whispered, "And I really mean that!"

The General turned back to Shmaldrik. "I'm gone for a few short frippizaners, and you've already taken my job?!"

Shmaldrik suddenly dropped to his knees and started begging pathetically, "Please don't demote me, General Flooze! I – we – thought you were gone forever! Didn't we, Quendy?"

Quendy stuttered, "Well, I... I..."

"Fortunately for you," the General said angrily, "I've got more important things to do right now than demote you." He marched over to the large computer terminal on his desk and called out, "D.O.R.X., come on in here!"

"D.O.R.X.??" Shmaldrik whimpered, his face turning a sickly yellow (from its usual sickly blue).

We strode through the door proudly, looking down our noses at the groveling Shmaldrik the Blotz. "Hi, Principal Shmaldrik," I said with a coy smile.

"How'd you get off Sheeznok Island?!" he asked.

"Zug gas bomb," Zug said proudly.

Oogle quickly sat down at the computer with multiple screens in front of him/her. Using all four hands, all four eyes and both brains, he/she got to work.

Captain Dweezil and the rest of us could only watch in awe as Oogle worked his/her magic.

All the screens flashed code in many different colors, and Oogle followed everything, each eye operating independently as it read line after line of code. Oogle's hands worked four different keyboards at once, typing away so fast, it sounded like a Leplurian waterfall.

"I'm in!" announced male Oogle.

We all cheered! Except for Shmaldrik who made a sound that was sort of a cross between an Ekrot mouse sneezing and a Purblian crab's mating call. Looking very troubled, he sidled up to the General and said, "Sir, how can you allow these criminals access to the galacti-net control center?!"

"They're heroes, not criminals!" insisted General Flooze. "While you were trying to squeeze me out of my job, they were trying to save the galaxy!"

"They're playing you for a fool, sir!" the Blotz pleaded. "I should know! They did it to me many times when they were cadets at the Academy!"

Zug chuckled. "Zug remember when Zug put Pyblo itchy bugs in Shmaldrik underwear drawer."

The rest of us couldn't help giggling at the memory too.

"Or when we poured freezing Morfle marbles down all the school hallways!" I added, having a hard time talking through my laughter.

"Or when I called, pretending to be Principal Shmaldrik's mother," said female Oogle. "And also his father!" said male Oogle. "And we said we'd arranged for him to marry a Chortlian Poomblot!"

Now we all cracked up like crazy.

"Wow!" Captain Dweezil said. "I can't wait to join the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Academy!"

Shmaldrik turned and stared at the Captain. "YOU?? You'll never be a cadet as long as you live!"

"Yes he will!" insisted General Flooze. "He's a born hero! And when I demote you back to Academy Principal, I expect you to treat him with respect and dignity!"

That's when Shmaldrik started to turn green... then purple... then gray... then he exploded! (Exploded with anger. He didn't really explode explode. That would've been gross.)

"NEVER!!!" Shmaldrik shouted. He turned to Oogle and screamed, "Get away from that computer! You D.O.R.X. are ruining everything!" And with that, he dove across the desk and tried to pull Oogle away from the keyboards!

But Oogle held on tight, entering command after command, as the rest of us tried to restrain the wild-eyed Blotz. "Accessing drone delivery routes!... Reversing directional commands!... Sending the Zortlax back to the Snertians!" Oogle was about to push the "Enter" button for the one final command – but Shmaldrik got loose, grabbed Oogle and knocked him/her to the floor!

"They're trying to destroy the system!" Shmaldrik screamed. "They're trying to destroy Q.U.A.K.S.S.!!!" But then – "OWWWW!!!"

Quendy bit the Blotz's hand right down to the bone, and he leapt back in terror! "Leave them alone, you big jerk!" she screamed. "And I quit!!"

With Oogle on his/her back on the floor, Captain Dweezil lunged forward and hit "Enter" on the computer just in time!

And then... the computer exploded! (And I mean exploded exploded this time! For real!)
CHAPTER 31: We Get Snerted

Actually, the whole back wall of General Flooze's office exploded!

And then, appearing out of the dust and smoke, the Snertian Agents that Captain Dweezil overheard in the Yarnoffian sewer stepped into the room! There they stood in all their disgusting, slimy glory, holding ray guns as big as Verslupian Tortle toads!

Everybody in the room had been knocked off their feet, and we all looked up at the Snertians, rubbing our eyes. I saw that the computer was completely destroyed, but I held out hope that Oogle's last command had been sent to the Snertian drones.

"You're too late!" said the taller of the Snertian Agents. "Our drones are still on their way to blowing up the Querx Galaxy!"

I gasped in despair. Oogle's last command didn't get through after all. We had tried to save the Querx Galaxy, but we were too late.

But why, I wondered, did Captain Dweezil have a cockeyed grin on his face? Did he have another plan up his sleeve? (He always did, after all!)

The Snertian Agents, confused as well, stared at the Captain. "Why are you not unhappy?" asked the taller one. "Your galaxy is about to be destroyed!"

"Not if I use your computer to turn the drones around!" Captain Dweezil said. Then he ran and leaped out of the hole in the wall and landed on the Snertian starship that was hovering there! He pulled open a hatch and dove inside.

The Snertians were furious. "Hey! Leave our stuff alone!" they said, moving to dive in after the Captain.

But then Oogle jumped up and pushed them both aside! (He/she is kind of big, after all.) "The Captain can't program the Snertian computer without me!" male Oogle said. "Without us!" female Oogle snapped. "Well, that's what I meant," sniffed male Oogle. "Then why didn't you say so?" demanded female Oogle.

"Quiet!" I screamed. "For larps, you two have been getting along so well, and now you decide to start arguing again?! Stop your bickering and help the Captain!"

Oogle finally ran to the Snertian starship and dove into the open hatch... and got stuck! (Remember what I said about Oogle being big?) The Snertians scrambled onto their ship and tried to pull Oogle out of the hatch, but he/she wouldn't budge!

Like a cork in a bottle, Oogle was keeping Captain Dweezil safe inside the ship by keeping the Snertians out.

In the ship, the Captain looked around at all the alien controls. There were crazy buttons and screens and switches everywhere. He didn't know where to start!

Luckily, Oogle was there to help him – but, stuck in the hatch, he/she couldn't reach the controls. All Oogle could do was try to guess what buttons to tell Captain Dweezil to push and switches to switch. "Flip that switch over there, the one with the black thingy on it, next to the blinking red button. No, not that one, that red button is flashing, not blinking!"

"What's the difference?!" Captain Dweezil cried frantically.

"Wait, forget that switch! Type in "SELF-DESTRUCT" and send the command to all the drones at once!" female Oogle insisted.

The Captain stared, confused, at the main keyboard on the ship's control panel. Everything was all gibberish to him because the letters were from the Snertian alphabet! "Everything's in Snertian here!"

"No problem," male Oogle said, "I'm fluent in Snertian." Female Oogle stared at male Oogle. "You are?? Since when?" Male Oogle turned away in a huff. "There are some things you don't know about me."

"Guys!!" cried the Captain.

"Okay, sorry!" male Oogle said. "Push the key with the character that looks like a funny 'A' with a squiggle on it. Then the key that looks like a 'B', but upside down."

"All 'B's look the same upside down!" Captain Dweezil said.

"Great! Then you can't mess up!"

With both male and female Oogle shouting commands, Captain Dweezil pecked away at the Snertian computer, one confusing character at a time.

Finally, the computer screens lit up. "Hey, it's working!" the Captain said, relieved. One of the screens seemed to be a massive map of the Querx Galaxy, and every Snertian drone was visible on it. And they were all extremely close to their destinations! "Oh, no!" Captain Dweezil gasped.

The Captain wasn't the only one who knew the delivery drones were close. People all over the galaxy were now tracking their own shipments of Zortlax paste, all just horples away from being delivered.

And one of those people was Lipnap Floomy on Deep Space City #232, quadrant 44.9. "Hey, look!" Lipnap shouted to everybody in Mr. Glort's class as he tracked the city's Zortlax shipment on his smart sleeve. "Our new and improved Zortlax is almost here!" Then he whipped out two slices of Flubbo bread, ready to be the first person in the galaxy to spread a smear of the "new and improved" edible paste.

But, back on Heeble 2, Captain Dweezil and Oogle were working hard to make sure that no batch of Zortlax ever made it onto a single slice of Flubbo bread!

The Captain finished typing the final instruction. Female Oogle screamed, "Send the command!" and Captain Dweezil took a breath of satisfaction and hit the "Enter" button.

But nothing happened.

Male and female Oogle couldn't see the computer screens, so they were still full of hope. "Did all the drones blow up?!" male Oogle asked. "Have all the planets been saved?!" asked female Oogle hopefully.

"I... don't know," answered the Captain as he looked very closely at the drones on the screen. "I think maybe I just slowed them down a bit...?"

Suddenly, the ship's computer spoke up: "Delivery drones prepared to enter 254,766 planets' atmospheres in 120 lorpnoids."

Captain Dweezil turned white. "NOOO!!!"
CHAPTER 32: Spreadable Doom

The rest of us had no idea what was happening inside the Snertian ship, but when we heard a muffled "NOOO!!!" we feared the worst.

While still struggling to pull Oogle out of the ship's hatch, the tall Snertian Agent looked at his watch and started laughing. "120 lorpnoids to go! It's almost time!" he said.

The short agent started laughing too. "They're too late!" he chortled. But then he said, "Wait... 120 lorpnoids? It should be only sixty lorpnoids from now. That's sixty whole lorpoids later than scheduled!"

"Oh well, what's a few lorpnoids between Snertians?" said the tall Snertian. "Soon the Querx Galaxy will be nothing but a big pile of space dust!"

So that was it. We'd failed to save the galaxy. Sure, it seemed that Captain Dweezil had delayed the galaxy's ultimate destruction by sixty lorpnoids, but sixty extra lorpnoids wasn't a whole lot of time to say goodbye to your friends.

I looked around at the others. Everybody was stunned, even Shmaldrik the Blotz. (Then again, his expression hardly ever changed, so it was hard to tell.)

But then Zug looked out General Flooze's blasted office wall at the night sky above. "What date today?" he asked.

"How could that possibly matter?" I snapped. I mean, sometimes Zug was just too much to take.

But Quendy answered, "2459.63 Querxian time. But, actually, it'll be tomorrow, 2459.64, in just five lorpnoids."

For some reason, this sent Zug into the most disgusting fit of laughter I'd ever heard (and I'd heard my share of disgusting fits of laughter, mostly from Zug).

"What's so funny, you blubbering fool?" demanded King Zorzat. "The galaxy's about to be obliterated, and all because of that disgusting Zortlax paste you Zugs are so famous for."

Zug tried to talk between bursts of laughter. "New and improved Zortlax best-before date 2459.63. Now it 2459.64!"

"So, it'll be a little moldy," I said. "What's the difference since it's all going to blow up in about sixty lorpnoids?"

"No!" Zug shouted. "When Zortlax pass best-before date, it BLOW UP NOW!"

And he was right! Just then, on Deep Space City #232, Lipnap Floomy noticed the little blip representing the city's batch of Zortlax DISAPPEAR from his smart sleeve screen. Horrified, he cried, "Hey, where'd our Zortlax go?!" Then he looked down at his two slices of Flubbo bread. "How am I going to eat my new and improved Zortlax sandwich without any new and improved Zortlax in it?!"

All over the galaxy, all the batches of Snertnot-infused Zortlax paste were blowing up at once, and all far enough away from the planets to not do any damage!

Inside the Snertian starship, Captain Dweezil noticed all the delivery drones disappear from the ship's screen. Hopeful but not convinced, he gathered all his strength to shove Oogle out of the hatch (Urgh!) so he could rejoin us in General Flooze's office.

"Uh... if all the drones blew up, how come all the planets are still there?" the Captain asked.

"Because of you!" screamed female Oogle. "You delayed the Snertian delivery drones by sixty lorpnoids, and that was just enough time for the expired Zortlax to blow up before it could enter the planets' atmospheres!"

Captain Dweezil's face lit up slowly as he realized what he'd just done. "Really?" he said. "I saved the galaxy for real?"

It was as if he doubted his own ability! I beamed at the Captain. That kind of humility could only come from a true hero!

Back on Deep Space City #232, Lipnap Floomy took a bite of his dry, Zortlax-free sandwich. "Next time," he said, "I'm signing up for Zug Prime so I can get my Zortlax on time!"
CHAPTER 33: We Get Our Due

Heeblian trumpets sounded in the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Grand Auditorium that night.

The huge place was packed with Q.U.A.K.S.S. officials, cruiser crew members and even Academy cadets.

General Flooze stepped up to the podium and made the big announcement: "Wow, look at this crowd. I haven't seen so many people in one room since the Oofnian Ambassador accidentally offered every visitor a free box of Tridlorn Flipnots!"

Okay, he opened with a joke first. No one really laughed. Especially the Oofnian Ambassador.

The General cleared his throat and decided to get down to business. "For bravery and ingenuity in the face of danger and impossible odds, I award the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Grand Potentate Trophy to... the D.O.R.X.!"

That's right, all this fuss was about us! We were getting the highest Q.U.A.K.S.S. award for saving the Querx Galaxy!

We walked proudly out onto the stage to thunderous applause. General Flooze gave Captain Dweezil the heavy award, which was a bust of General Flooze himself, with our names inscribed on a plaque right under his nose.

We couldn't believe it. Just horples before, we were galactic outlaws on the run. And now, we were heroes!

Captain Dweezil was the most amazed of all. He'd gone from being a little school kid with a fantastic imagination to the savior of the galaxy in just a few weeks!

Holding back tears, we turned to leave the stage – but the General stopped us. "Wait," he said, "that's not all. Q.U.A.K.S.S. and indeed the Querx Galaxy would like to show their gratitude by granting you the command of your very own Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser!" Then this huge curtain was pulled back, revealing a brand new Q.U.A.K.S.S. starship!

Our jaws dropped in awe as we looked at the coolest, shiniest starship we'd ever seen. It made the Floozeum look like a lump of pilblot ore!

The General turned to the Captain and said, "And that would make you Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser Commander Dweezil!" As the Captain tried to catch his breath, the General leaned in and chuckled, saying, "Beats the heck out of just being an Academy cadet, doesn't it?"

His head spinning, Captain Dweezil stepped up to the microphone, trying to compose his thoughts. "General Flooze, we D.O.R.X. are so honored to have received this great award and been given military ranks and our very own Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser."

The crowd cheered and applauded, rising to their feet.

After the noise died down a bit, the Captain went on. "But... I'm sorry, we cannot accept the offer to join Q.U.A.K.S.S."

The crowd uttered a collective gasp! Oogle, Zug and I were silently stunned as well.

But King Norzat had no trouble expressing himself. "WHAT?! You're turning down that big, new ship?? Are you crazy?!" He turned to the General. "General, he's just kidding. He's light-headed from all this," he said, gesturing around the auditorium. "Of course we'll accept the promotions and the ship and what I'm sure will be some great uniforms, cushy quarters and a ton of money."

But Captain Dweezil insisted, "No! My heart is with the D.O.R.X.! And I can't imagine flying around the galaxy in anything but the great Floozeum! Because, after all, it's our rebel spirit that keeps us seeking out people in need of help, allowing us to proudly be true heroes of the good!"

This time, the cheering and applauding was a deafening roar! It was so loud, I could barely hear King Norzat blubbering beside me.

And even though Oogle, Zug and I were itching to try out the new ship, we knew that the Captain was right. We didn't want to be just another Q.U.A.K.S.S. crew patrolling the galaxy for violators of Q.U.A.K.S.S. directives. (Just think of all the paperwork!)

We were the D.O.R.X.! Strong, proud and free!

Too bad General Flooze didn't see it that way. Putting his hand over the microphone, he said to Captain Dweezil in a harsh whisper, "How dare you make me look like a fool in front of all my men! Do you know how hard it was dragging that ship onto this stage? We had to knock out the whole back wall! And I'm not letting you take the Floozeum – again! It's my baby!"

Captain Dweezil whispered back, "Do you really want all these people to know that you denied the request of the team that saved the whole galaxy? Just so you could mothball your old ship and stuff it with a bunch of musty knickknacks?"

The General froze, knowing he couldn't talk his way out of this. So he bit his tongue, forced a phony grin on his face and turned back to the mike. "Captain Dweezil, your selflessness and integrity is humbling. We wish you and your crew a long and productive time as the D.O.R.X., heroes of the good!"

The crowd went crazy again – even crazier than before! Not bad for a bunch of rebels who were stuck on Sheeznok Island just a few larps ago!

In fact, the cheering and applause was so loud that it could be heard on the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Academy grounds across the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Headquarters compound. And there, sweeping up the dirty hallways was the school janitor, new to his job.

And his name was Shmaldrik the Blotz! Yes, he'd been demoted, not just from Grand Potentate to Vice Potentate to Cruiser Commander to Academy Principal, but all the way down to the lowest job in all of Q.U.A.K.S.S.! And guess who was his new boss?

That's right, Corporal Quendy was now Principal Quendy of the Q.U.A.K.S.S. Academy!

"You missed a spot," Principal Quendy said to Private Shmaldrik as she hustled off to her new office (eager to dump all Shmaldrik's awards in the trash). "Better go over it again or I'll have to write you up for violating Q.U.A.K.S.S. Directive 358.3!"

Shmaldrik fumed. You could nearly see the steam coming out of his ears. But he didn't complain. He just swept his broom, seething with resentment...

...and silently plotted his revenge on Captain Dweezil and the D.O.R.X.!
CHAPTER 34: A Face Full of Flimso-pods

We insta-ported Captain Dweezil back to the orkzerb detention room at his school, P.S. 14357, in Deep Space City #232.

Though he would soon lead us on many more do-gooding missions together, it was time now for him to return home.

Young Dweezil's teacher, Mr. Glort, stuck his head into the room and said, "Okay, Dweezil, your morblat of orkzerb detention is over. See to it you're not late to class again or it'll be two morblats next time!"

After Mr. Glort slammed the door behind him, Dweezil smiled. This had been his best morblat of orkzerb detention ever! He had spent the entire time having an adventure flying around the Querx Galaxy!

The next morning, Dweezil was back to his morning routine, writing up his latest Spacebook blog on his computer. But the difference was, this time what he was writing was real!

"There I was, zooming under tables and flying over sales displays on my Zugmobile, trying to ditch the Blotz!" he said as he typed. "Finally, I took a detour through the Yarnoffian sewer – but they followed me down! But thankfully, the Yarnoffian flibrats attacked Shmaldrik, lapping up the Zortlax all over his body. He screamed like a baby as he tried to throw –"

"Breakfast!" A call came from below.

Yep, nothing had changed in Dweezil's house. And, as he'd predicted, nobody had even noticed he'd been gone for a whole morblat!

Dweezil joined his mom, dad and 293 siblings at the breakfast table. And, as always, he had to make due with the broken Flimso-pods and spilled Bleebomilk that was left on the table after all his siblings had taken off.

Once again using an empty Flimso-pods box as a bowl, Dweezil ate his breakfast while rushing to school. But this time, he didn't worry about being late to class. He actually wanted Mr. Glort to send him to orkzerb detention again. Then he could go on another D.O.R.X. adventure!

Lipnap Floomy ran up to Dweezil, excited as always about Dweezil's latest blog. "I loved it when you split Dweebubu in half and ended up in the pilblot mines, but then you led up uprising against the Dweebubuan Slarthogs and broke everybody out!" Then Lipnap added, "But I know Captain Dweezil's not real. It's just a story you make up for Spacebook."

"Actually, Lipnap," Dweezil said with a grin, "this time it actually happened. Captain Dweezil is real!"

Lipnap stared, his stunned mouth hanging open... but then he smiled and blushed. "Aw, come on. I know you're just trying to make me feel good. But don't worry, I can still enjoy it even though it didn't really happen."

Dweezil shook his head. "But it did really happen! I'm not kidding this time!"

Just then, Brog "The Fist" Mortwerb shoved his ugly face between Dweezil and Lipnap. Grabbing Dweezil's box of Flimso-pods and Bleebomilk, he said, "Flimso-pods again? How can you eat this blarp?!" Then, as before, he tipped the box to dump the rest of Dweezil's breakfast on his head...

...but, suddenly, a huge wind kicked up and sprayed the sticky cereal all over Brog!

"Ughhh!!!" Brog screamed as he tried to wipe the mess off his face. But through the Bleebomilk dripping over his eyes, he saw a huge starship land right in front of him!

It was the Floozeum!

I spoke into the microphone, my voice booming out to everybody outside, "Captain Dweezil! We need you for a new mission, right away! The Snertians are mounting another attack, and we need you to save the Querx Galaxy – again!"

Both Lipnap and Brog couldn't believe their eyes or their ears.

Then I opened the hatch, and Captain Dweezil smiled. "How big is the Snertian fleet?"

Male Oogle answered, "5,123 Sneezium Bombers, 20,485 Vortlock Fighters, 732 Plovian Destroyers, 6,389 Zwortnord –"

"Okay, thank you, Oogle!" I said. (You remember about how he/she goes on.)

But the Captain just grinned again. "I like those odds!"

Turning to Brog, he said, "You can have the rest of my Flimso-pods, Brog. I'm good." Then he said to Lipnap, "Keep an eye out for my next blog. I think it's gonna be a great one!"

And with that, he strode proudly into the Floozeum, and the hatch began to close.

Lipnap ran up to the closing door. "But what do I tell Mr. Glort when you're late for class again?!" he asked urgently.

"Tell him I'm saving the galaxy for extra credit!" the Captain said with a smile.

Captain Dweezil sat down in the pilot's seat and kicked in the turbo-thrusters. "Time to take down those nasty Snertians," he said.

And we took off out into space!

Lipnap and Brog were left behind, Brog getting blasted by our engines with dust that stuck to his sticky face.

Lipnap got blasted too – but he loved it. Raising an arm triumphantly into the air, he cheered:

"Yaaaay, Captain Dweezil! Hero of the good!"

###
GLOSSARY

CHARACTERS:

\- Captain Dweezil Sneezil

(offspring #147 of Horst and Pribny Sneezil, out of 294)

(fake name in Ch. 18: Dweevlerb)

\- Flerpia: From Zisnak 7

\- Oogle the Klertzian (two brains, male and female)

\- King Norzat, former ruler of Shamzat 4

\- Zug from Zug

\- Mr. Glort (Dweezil's teacher)

\- Lipnap Floomy (Dweezil's best friend)

\- Brog "The Fist" Mortwerb (an Octoblot from Hoople 6.5)

\- Shmaldrik the Blotz, Lieutenant at Q.U.A.K.S.S., Academy Principal

\- Corporal Quendy Ismat, Shmaldrik's assistant (has fluffingbird wings)

\- General Flooze, Q.U.A.K.S.S. Grand Potentate

\- King Sylopia

\- Princess Sylopia

PLANETS:

\- Deep Space City #232, quadrant 44.9

\- Lorzak 8

\- Plutnok 8

\- Zisnak 7, quadrant 26.4

\- Klertz

\- Zug

\- Hoople 6.5

\- Dweebubu, quadrant 35.3

(Dweepopo and Dweelala tribes)

\- Sylop 7, quadrant 36.2

(King Sylopia, Princess Sylopia)

\- Teeble 4

\- Bordismort 3

\- Hublup 17

(Queen Prizzle, Nublups)

\- Vreeble 4

\- Heeble 2 (where Q.U.A.K.K.S. is located)

\- Sheeznokia, Heeble 2's 13th moon (where Sheeznok Island Prison Camp and Jungle are)

\- Yarnoff 9 (convention planet)

\- Flufto 8 (home of Quendy)

PEOPLE AND ANIMALS:

\- Plort hordes (Plortian dwartleberry)

\- Wadlobian Ambassador

\- Queen Prizzle (of Hublup 17)

\- Ooflian Ambassador

\- one-eyed Blot

\- Borzog fighters (spaceships)

(also Borzog stew, Borzog blasts)

\- Tiznak flies

\- Lortnog (as in Lortnog's butt)

\- Tribulots (or Tribs)

\- Floobs (as in marauding Floobs)

\- Moobians

\- Chorps

\- Flimso-pods: cereal

\- Bleebomilk: milk

\- Grayblots in Vlort gravy (in school cafeteria)

\- blind Fornak

\- Octoblots

\- Heplop with a Twizzle-flea problem

\- Dweepopos, Dweelalas

\- Roidz

\- Ekvards

\- Vreeble tribe

\- Webgirp beast (from Webgirl Island)

\- Nublups

\- Rudgrud shark

\- Zignat children

\- Dweebubuan Slarthogs

\- Grubwok bugs (on Sheeznok Island)

\- Flibrats (in sewers on Yarnoff 9)

\- Yannie flies

\- Eekie flies, Chalbort beasts, Orverd worms, Pordium hawks, leaping Arbwurnium Dreezle monkeys, gnawing Stickly Bortle ticks, toe-tickling Quopple lizards, Philbot ostriches (in Sheeznok Jungle)

\- Tredlat

BIG THINGS:

\- Querx Galaxy

\- Q.U.A.K.S.S.: Querxian Universal Alliance to Keep Space Safe

\- D.O.R.X.: Dweezil's Order of Rebel Xenophiles

(prev. O.R.X.)

\- Galacti-net: Querxian internet

\- Floozeum starship

(has Foob torpedoes and Gleemnom laser blasters)

\- Spacebook: Querxian Facebook

\- Sheeznok Island: 13th moon of Heeble 2

\- Q.U.A.K.S.S. Cruiser Twerpius

\- Snert Galaxy

RANDOM WORDS AND THINGS:

\- nibzat: year

\- morblat: month

\- lorpnoid: second

\- horple: hour

\- larp: day

\- krelzoid: about 108,476 lorpnoids

\- frappizaner: longer (or shorter) than a larp

\- quonk: meter

\- kiliquonk: kilometer

\- ziznots: dollars

\- sibbles: cents

\- tribnoblaster

\- can of Velblot beans

\- crispy Quelzops on a stick

\- Insta-porter (teleporter)

\- Trizbekian noodle bowl

\- Bulorian tofu patty

\- orkzerb detention

\- Freaky Alien Attack 4

\- Freaky Alien Race 6

\- Freaky Alien Ostrich Run 9

\- Freaky Alien Drone Wars 5

\- Neeblooz nectar

\- Zug gas bomb

\- Sylopenheit: measure of temperature on Sylop 7

\- Dweebubu pilblot mines

\- Zortlax paste (Zug product)

\- Flubbo bread

\- Jujuburger

\- Zugade (Zug lemonade)

\- Snertnot powder

\- Leplurian waterfall

\- Ekrot mouse

\- Purblian crab

\- Pyblo itchy bugs

\- Morfle marbles

\- Chortlian Poomblot

\- Heeblian trumpets

\- Tridlorn Flipnots

\- Sneezium Bombers, Vortlock Fighters, Plovian Destroyers (Snertian fleet)

\- blarp

\- Verslupian Tortle toad

RULES:

\- Q.U.A.K.S.S. Directive 46.3 – no peace forces allowed but Q.U.A.K.S.S.

\- Directive 178.6 – don't steal a Criuser.

\- Directive 289.6 – harboring fugitives from justice.

ALSO BY RICHARD CLARK

[The Boy Who Cried Ghost  
A Ghost Town Mystery](http://bit.ly/2uF7fUF)

A Dog of My Own

My Best Friend Is a Secret Agent

How Chip Became C.H.I.P. and Foiled the Freaky Fuzzy Invasion

[HughTube  
The story of one middle school kid's desperate attempt to get a clue](http://bit.ly/2uF7fUF)

The F.L.U.B. Club

How the 'Future Fixer' Fixed My Future and Flubbed It Up Again

Pandora's Lunch Box

Don't Open!

Unhinged

* SEE EXCERPTS AT THE END OF THIS BOOK! *

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

**Richard Clark** has written ten middle grade and chapter books, one of which, _My Best Friend Is a Secret Agent,_ was published in Canada in June, 2019, by Indigo Press and Wattpad. It is a Heather's Kids Pick and quickly became a Kids' Bestseller. Previously, the book was on the Amazon and iBooks free kids ebooks bestseller lists for four years with over 100,000 downloads and over 75,000 reads on wattpad.com.

Richard has also worked extensively as a screenwriter and TV story editor, both in Toronto and Los Angeles. A graduate of UCLA and AFI, his credits include writing or story-editing over 150 produced TV scripts for shows broadcast on the Disney Channel, Nickelodeon, BBC, Netflix, CBC, CTV and many other domestic and foreign networks. He's also developed shows for many production companies, written four TV movies for Showtime Networks, optioned several feature screenplays in Los Angeles, and worked as a director and editor. In 2010 he was nominated for both a Gemini Award (now Canadian Screen Award) and a Writers Guild of Canada Screenwriting Award, and in 2012 another WGC award.

In addition, Richard teaches screenwriting at Humber College in Toronto, and he wrote Scratch & Sniff, an interactive book app for kids.

Richard lives near Toronto with his wife and their 12-year-old twins... and he's lived to tell the tale.
Connect with Richard Clark

I really appreciate you reading the book! If you enjoyed it, won't you please take a moment to leave me a review at your favorite retailer? Thanks!

Here are my social media coordinates:

Send me an email: rclarkbtd@gmail.com

Like my Facebook author page: <https://www.facebook.com/RichardClarkAuthor/>

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Connect on LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/richardclark8

Visit my website: www.mybestfriendsecretagent.com

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Rich Murray, cover designer:

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BOOK EXCERPTS:

The Boy Who Cried Ghost _,_ from Chapter 2:

Nine-year-old Peter Dunlap sat slumped in the back seat of his parents' SUV, his head buried in a horror comic book. He was oblivious to the others in the car – his parents, Fritz and Brenda, his sixteen-year-old sister, Denise, and his sleeping great-grandfather – because the horror comic book he was reading was his favorite: Chiller Comix Presents THE GATE TO OBLIVION.

Denise frowned as she texted her many BFF's. "I can't believe you're gonna make me leave all my friends," she muttered to her parents.

"Don't worry, honey, you'll make _new_ friends," said Fritz, an affable man always ready with a pleasant smile.

"I don't want new friends," Denise shot back.

"Not so loud, dear," Brenda said quietly. "You'll wake Gramps."

Gramps looked as if he couldn't be awakened by a freight train.

Brenda shook her head. She was the cheerful type like her husband, but a little fussier. "Now Denise, you don't hear your brother complaining, do you?"

"That's 'cause he never gets his nose out of those stupid comic books. He doesn't care where he is as long as he's reading about a three-headed mutant or something."

Peter looked up. Did he hear someone talking about him? He shrugged and continued reading.

All Peter knew was that his family might be moving to a new house. A quiet boy with a vivid imagination, he was the opposite of his social butterfly sister. His best friend was his stack of horror comic books with titles like _"CREEPAZOIDS FROM THE CRAWLSPACE",_ _"NIGHT OF THE LIVING GHOULS"_ and _"IT LIVES IN THE ATTIC!"_ He loved to read them over and over, and whatever house he read them in was fine with him.

Except maybe for this one.

"We're here!" Fritz said as he pulled their car into the driveway of what soon might be their new house.

Peter looked out the window... and he _shivered_ at the sight of the house. It wasn't new at all.

In fact... it was Gaspar Thornberg's house!

Peter didn't know this, of course. But it looked just as shabby and uninviting as it had the night the old man disappeared (if a little drier). But as shabby and uninviting as the house looked, something spooked Peter even more. He had the strange feeling he'd seen it somewhere before.

Then it hit him. With trembling fingers, he closed his horror comic book and looked at the cover.

And right under the title, _"THE GATE TO OBLIVION"_ , was a drawing of _this very house!_

The F.L.U.B. Club, from Chapter 7:

Back at home that night, I skyped with Lionel while digging through my incomprehensible code. It's like I had written it in Klingon or something. It looked like code, but not in a programming language I'd ever seen before.

"So... the Mood Tooner showed us Principal Hartwell three minutes in the future?" Lionel asked. He was wearing his Iron Man pajamas. That's right, Iron Man. Pajamas.

"Yeah, but I'm not calling it the Mood Tooner anymore," I said. "Now it's gonna be the Future Fixer!"

"The Future Fixer? That's not spelled weird too, is it, like with two X's?"

"No, it spelled normally. The deal is, since you know your future, you can fix it before it happens! This is the one that's gonna put the Fee-oob Club on the map!"

"The Fee-oob Club?"

"The FLUB Club, okay?!"

"So... how could you have 'fixed' Principal Hartwell yelling at you?"

"If I know he's going to yell at me, I know to avoid him so he won't."

"But what if you see a future clip of... Madisyn Lowry or something?"

"Yeah, right. Madisyn Lowry is gonna talk to me." What was he, nuts? Madisyn Lowry was like the hottest girl in school. And she was going out with Keith Ellis. She probably didn't even know I existed, and she probably never would.

"But if it is Madisyn Lowry, you don't want to avoid her," said Lionel.

I saw what he was getting at. "Right! So in that case, I would get right up in her face as much as possible." Then I realized, "...As soon as I can get the Future Fixer working again."

I picked up my phone and fiddled with it. It was still just static. After Hartwell was on it, I couldn't get it working again. This wasn't going to be much of an app if I couldn't get it working on command.

Then Gwen walked into my room, uninvited as usual. She started chewing on a stalk of celery right next to my ear while snooping at my computer screen.

"Future Fixer? What's that?"

"Nothing. Leave."

Gwen looked closer at Lionel and smiled.

Lionel smiled back. "Hi Gwen," he said, trying to sound cool. Yeah, he had a thing for my sister. Yuck.

"Nice jammies, Lionel."

Lionel turned beet red, suddenly realizing that wearing Iron Man jammies is probably the most uncool thing you can do, at least if you're over five. He desperately tried to cover himself with some comic books from his desk (which is probably the _second_ most uncool thing you can do).

"Hey! Uh, Marty, I'll see you tomorrow!" Lionel ended the call.

Gwen laughed. "He's cute... in a dorky sort of way."

"Get out!" I pushed Gwen out of my room then sat back down. Why do older sisters even exist?

I looked at my phone again. For some reason, the static was gone now, and it was back on the Mood Tooner home screen.

"Okay, let's try again..." I took a selfie. Then the phone went to static again. I couldn't figure out if that was a good thing or not. But then, get this, Madisyn Lowry's face came up on the screen!! I could hardly breathe. "Madisyn Lowry??" She was blonde, she was sexy, she was... perfect!

And now she was on my phone! And in my app!

And in the future!

The lighting was kind of dim, and I could hear music in the background. Looking right at the camera, just like Principal Hartwell before, she said all sexy, "Let's get together, Marty." And then it went to static again.

I stared at the phone feeling about fifteen emotions at once – confusion, shock, glee, hopefulness, shame, greed, love – you name it, I felt it. Then I looked up, envisioning my future.

"Madisyn Lowry wants me... and I'm gonna be an internet ultra-billionaire!"

My Best Friend Is a Secret Agent, from Chapter 5:

Finally, we turned a corner, and there it was, the Cheesemobile itself! And there was The Big Cheese with his head sticking out like a crazy tank driver, firing blasts of concentrated Limburger stink at hordes of gagging people!

We had gotten here before my dad could, so we had a chance to prove ourselves. Through the earpiece, I told C.H.I.P. to catch up with the Cheesemobile and find a way into it. "Try getting in from underneath!"

"Yo dude!" he said and sped up. At the last second he flattened himself on his back on the skateboard, then he rolled right under the moving Cheesemobile!

C.H.I.P. told me through my earpiece that he found a hatch under there. Well, what he actually said was, "Found this righteous door thingy! I'm goin' in, dude!" I was amazed at how much the C.H.I.P. had affected Chip's personality. But I also realized that his skater-dude identity wasn't what he needed to get into the Cheesemobile because he had no idea how to open the hatch!

So using my app, I made C.H.I.P. an expert at lock-picking! And suddenly C.H.I.P. picked the lock like a cat burglar!

But he also started to lose control of the skateboard because he wasn't a skater dude anymore! Whoa!!!

C.H.I.P. got the hatch open and pulled himself inside just before the skateboard flipped, getting smashed under the wheels of the Cheesemobile.

Okay, that was a close call. Too close. But at least now C.H.I.P. was in. And luckily The Big Cheese didn't notice him since his head was sticking out of the top, and he was so busy blasting everybody with Limburger stink.

Now C.H.I.P. had to shut down the gas canisters, but lock-pickers don't know how to do that. He needed a new skill again.

So I made him a chemist!

But once he got to work on the canisters, The Big Cheese finally spotted him and jumped him! The guy was like, "Hands off! That's 99.6% pure Limburger fumes – the gas of the gods!"

C.H.I.P. fought as best he could, but chemists aren't really known for being able to throw a punch. But luckily, cheese makers aren't either, so it was kind of a goofy fight.

I realized this was really the wrong time and place to be beta-testing my new C.H.I.P. micro-thingy. Like I saw in my basement, I really did need C.H.I.P. to be able to do more than one cool thing at once. That way he could be like a real secret agent, with any skill he needed to take down the bad guy.

But for now, I'd have to do my best with one skill at a time.

I made C.H.I.P. a wrestler next, and sure enough, he got The Big Cheese into a headlock! "I'm gonna put you through my shredder, Big Cheese!" It helped that The Big Cheese's name was kind of a wrestler-type name already.

But The Big Cheese had planned for everything. He was able to reach a switch that set off a timer for the gas canisters to explode!

"Now the whole world will reek of the beautiful, pungent scent of the king of cheeses!" he screamed with evil glee.

C.H.I.P. had ten seconds to stop the timer, but wrestlers don't know a whole lot about defusing bombs. So he bopped The Big Cheese on the head, knocking him out, and then I turned C.H.I.P. into an electronics guy to stop the timer!

And it was just in time too 'cause he cut the red timer wire on the gas canisters with one second to spare!

Phew!

A Dog of My Own, from Chapter 19:

The next day at Phillips Academy, kids hung out and kicked around balls during a break. Gary Frazer chucked a football to his jock buddy who dropped it. "Loser," Gary chuckled as he took off his blazer, tossing it on a bench.

From behind a nearby corner of the building, Jonas spied on Gary. Rascal was with Jonas again. Jonas pointed to Gary's blazer on the bench. "Get the coat, Rascal. Get the coat," Jonas whispered quietly to the dog. Rascal licked his lips and, as he did before in Jonas's backyard, he shuffled along like a spy, close to the ground. Unseen by Gary or his friends, Rascal grabbed Gary's coat from the bench and ran for a large tree. Jumping up onto a picnic table, Rascal leapt up into the tree and walked as far as he could out onto a long branch. And there he hung Gary's blazer, far above the heads of the kids below.

Rascal quickly climbed back down and snuck back to the waiting Jonas. Jonas pet Rascal vigorously, and the two of them tried to remain quiet as they watched to see what Gary would do once he found his coat missing.

"Hey!" Gary caught the football and just then noticed that his blazer was missing from the bench. He looked around, clueless. "Who took...?" Then one of his friends spotted the coat in the tree and started laughing. Gary finally saw the coat hanging high too. "What the heck?!" As other kids started to laugh, Gary ran up to the tree and jumped for his coat, but it was too high to reach. Finally, he clumsily climbed the tree and reached out for his coat. But in his attempt to grab it, he instead knocked it free, and it fell down... down... into a mud puddle.

The crowd cracked up. Then Gary lost his balance – "Whooaaa!" – and fell into the puddle too! SPLAT! The crowd roared. Chloe and her friends looked over to see what was going on. They laughed and snorted as Gary, furious, grabbed his wet coat and stomped off in his soggy shoes.

Off in his hiding place, Jonas tried hard to restrain his laughter. He hugged Rascal close. "Good boy... good boy..." Rascal didn't know quite what he had done right, but if it got him a hug from Jonas, he knew it must've been good!

Then Chloe spotted Jonas and Rascal hiding behind the corner of the building. She cracked a smile, figuring out what was up. That was some smart dog – and some pretty clever kid too!

HughTube, from Chapter 1:

I don't get it.

What don't I get? Pretty much everything.

How to talk at a party? I don't get it.

How to dress cool? I don't get it.

How to avoid getting bullied?... to know when to shut up?... to choose the right after-school sport? I don't get it.

How to ask out a girl? I _definitely_ don't get it.

Which is why I started HughTube. What's HughTube? First of all, my name is Hugh. That explains the 'Hugh' part. The 'Tube' part, of course, refers to video.

HughTube is my video blog.

And yeah, I know everybody has a video blog these days. But mine's different. I don't just shoot myself playing Minecraft or whatever, narrating my exploits mining diamonds and killing Ender Dragons.

I shoot _everything_. My whole life.

Sure, I cut it all down later for my weekly blog post, but for myself I want my whole life recorded for later analysis. Because if I ever want to learn how to _get it_ , I'm going to have to go over it on video – over and over – till I eventually get it _right_.

Pandora's Lunch Box, from Chapter 3:

"I wonder what's down there..." Pandora peered down the dark trail.

Lyle just shook his head. "If you want me, I'll be at my house playing Zomboid Attack 3 with my good eye." He walked off towards the houses.

But Pandora hardly noticed he was gone. Her mind was dead set on exploring the creepy woods ahead. She worked her way into the thicket. As she walked, spiders crawled across their webs above... odd birds fluttered in the darkness... slithering lizards scurried past Pandora's feet...

After a minute, it got hard for Pandora to proceed. Branches crossed the path, and leaves obscured the trail below. "It's got to lead somewhere..." Pandora whispered to herself, her curiosity aflame.

Just then, something flew by Pandora's head, grazing her hair. "Hey!" She looked up, and the dark 'bird' attacked her again. "That's a bat!" Her eyes bugged out as many shadows now passed over her. "Make that 'bats'!"

Pandora ran fast down the trail, trying hard to swipe the brush out of her way. But she was just getting deeper and deeper into the thicket.

Then she tripped on something unseen and tumbled to the ground. WHUMP!

Pandora looked up. The bats were gone, and she found herself in a small clearing. She pushed herself up onto her knees and brushed her clothes off. Then she spotted the thing she tripped on. She reached over and brushed some dirt off of it.

It was a children's lunch box. But it wasn't something lost recently; it was made of metal, the kind popular in the '60's and '70's. Pandora rose to her feet and angrily kicked the box away. "Stupid lunch box!" But as she kicked it, some crusted dirt fell off of it, revealing that it was bound tightly with white tape – and something was written on the tape.

"Huh?" Curious, Pandora looked closer, brushing off the remaining dirt.

All over the box was written: 'DON'T OPEN!!!'

"Don't open?" asked Pandora, getting curious as always. "I wonder why not..."

Now, a normal 12-year-old girl would probably walk away at this point, maybe take the advice of the person who wrote all those warnings.

But not Pandora.

She picked the box up and tried to open it right away. But the tape held it tightly closed. So she peeled off the tape, strip by strip, getting more and more excited. Finally, she peeled the last of the tape off and prepared to whip the lunch box open... but then she stopped herself.

"Maybe I shouldn't." For a moment, it appeared that Pandora had come to her senses. She put the box down hesitantly. "But if I don't open it, someone else will!" She picked up the box again. "Why should I let _them_ get what's inside? _I_ was the one who found it first!"

Pandora slowly opened up the box. The rusty hinges strained and creaked. Then FLASH! Blinding light blasted out of the box! Pandora dropped it to the ground. The box landed hard – and then it started to tremble...

Pandora stared in amazement as the box shook, the light still beaming out of it. Then, suddenly, a _head_ popped out, like a genie from a bottle! It was the head of an arch-looking middle-aged lady, wearing a brilliant pearl necklace and ruby red lipstick.

"Phew! Finally, a little air!" she said, taking a number of deep breaths.

Pandora stared, stunned. "You're... a head... in a lunch box!"

Just then, another head popped out, squeezing in beside the lady's head. But this head was more of a cross between a blue-blood poodle and a monocled librarian. "Quit hogging the sunlight, Greeley!" he said with a bored sneer.

Pandora did a double-take. "Another head??"

"Besides," the new head continued, "I've been stuck in there with that rabble long enough."

Pandora looked confused... and a little afraid. "There's more?"

Almost on cue, three more heads popped out – but now all their upper bodies did too. One of them was a cute fat blob. And the other two looked like Siamese twins, attached at the waist, and they didn't seem very happy about it.

"OOF! That's better," said the fat one, relieved.

One of the twins gestured wildly. "I was wondering how a-long you were going to make-a me wait!" he said in an Italian accent.

"Hey, you're a-blocking the sun," chided the other brother. "You always get-a the best side!"

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do!"

"Boys! Put a sock in it!" snapped the lady. "We've got a new master." She and the others turned to Pandora.

Pandora stood there, surprised but intrigued. "A new master??"
