Previously on Heart's Medicine
Hi, I'm Alison
Everything's going great for me
OH MY GOD JERRY I DONT KNOW WHAT IM GONNA DO
I GOT THE SUPER GONORRHEA
DEAR GOD MAN
LOOK ALIVE HE'S DYING
It doesn't matter how much they beg
I'm never taking them back
Man I'm handome
ALISON BABE BUT I LOVE YOUUUU
*whapoosh* TOP OF THE MORNING TO YA LADDIES
MY NAME IS JACKSEPTICEYE AND WELCOME BACK TO HEARTS MEDICINE
HOSPITAL HEAT
Welcome back to Alison's ER
Doctor Alison and Doctor Sexy Handsome
That's right, his first name is Sexy
Second name Handsome
Secret first name Very
His name is Very Sexy Handsome
We're moving on to ER no.4
Get you a doctor that looks at you the way Alison looks at Doctor Dumbnose
Alright
EUUAGH I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS
ahahah what the fuck is happening AHAHAHA
UGH whatever! later, dudes.
(aw shit sICK BURNNN)
UGH whatever
Everything's back to normal again
NO I can't keep Ryan
I have a dog at home that's hard enough to take care of
Oh, that's what you meant. I thought you meant can I keep him like a dog
THEN IM GOING TO GET MY SEXY HANDSOME ASS OUT OF HERE
RIGHTY ROODY DOODY
RIGHTY, BOY! What are we gonna do witcha?
Chop and throw you into the blender?
Imma get a new one of these chairs-- thATS A FREAKY LADY RIGHT THERE
BOOM CAT CHAIR! FROG CHAIR!
LADYBUG BED! TEDDY BEAR OF DOOM!
That's it
Let's fuckin go. Everything's new, everything's awesome
'kay you go to that bed, I have to keep this motherfucker topped up
On Benedril(?) or something
You need a lil bandage? You need the doctor to come over and fix you treatment?
There we go, there we go, all better, softball(?) Nice and good
A natural beauty? I know, thank you
'kay, I'll check you out
Thermometers stickin' up the butt
There you go, are you ready? RIGHT IN YOUR BOOB
You okay? He's fine, he's topped up. I just gave him a lil bit of prozac and he's all ready to go
Right my lil buddy boy
Maybe if you didn't drink that 14 gallons of MILK
YOU'D BE FUCKIN FINE BY NOW
But nooo, now you- now Ryan's got a tummyache
Maybe if you'd stop being a piece of shit, Ryan
People would actually love you for who you are
And not because they have to take care of you
What's up?
Awww looks like somebody else got a tummyache too
YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL, RYAN! NOT IN THIS ER!
You need a Gameboy? Okay, just let me charge it up for sec
Bling Bling Bling Bling if only stuff charges like that in real life
OOH I GOT HIM JUST IN TIME
Okay, you go over there. E = mc fuck you
Go in that chair
Ryan's okay, Ryan's okay
You need an inhaler. You got a spout in the bout in the asthmatics? (sry sometimes i cant understand jack's rambling)
Get back in that bed
Where are you going after this?
Hey! He's healed
A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down~
Okay, there we go
HAHA! THE BEST DOCTOR-- AUGH MOTHER OF JESUS
*horrified.jpeg*
Sorry I had to do some fuckin' road work on Cindy here
It's done now, she's fixed, she's fine now
I AM A FUCKIN' SPEEDY GONZALES DOCTOR
Boom. BOOM BOOM BOOM. I don't even need to listen to your chest
All I need to do was go up and start beating you with a stethoscope and you're fine
THREE STARS
Is my shift over? Can I kill Ryan yet?
I MEAN EUTHANIZE HIM. I MEAN-
Took him in to a coffee
READ FASTER DAMMIT
Augh fuck youuu
MY SHIFT'S OVER!! NOBODY ELSE COME IN HERE PLEASE
You're fine. You go in the chair
BRRRRRRRAP there we go
I'm gonna put some new pavement down on ya
'kay, you need to be checked out but you're fine for now
I'm gonna get a sick COMBOOOO
SICK COMBOOO AWUWUWUAWUWU
Keep Ryan hydrated. Wait-- that's all I was doing?
Keeping that motherfucker hydrated? Just give him a bottle of water and tell him to sip on it every 10 mins
and he'll be fine
They also cannot degrade. Put a golden heart in here. I-It's not good an expansion, but MY GOD does it look pretty
I mean, you'll die pretty quick, but, you'll die with a golden heart in your chest and everybody wants one of those
hmMMMPH I'M... I'M ANNOYED THAT THE OTHER BOY CAME IN AND KISSED YOU ON YOUR MOUTH FACE!!
OH I CAN JUST EXPLODE
(yall just look at ryan bein like ''dam this shit serious'')
Um? It was assault, you all saw it
Connor's also a stupid name
She's sitting on my head. I literally have my mom on my mind, that's a lot on my mind
But if it'll make you feel better, I'll... KILL MY MOM AHAHAHAHA
Ryan's over in the corner, he's like ''what the fuck is going on..."
Oh, Ryan! Hahhaha
HAHAHAHAHAHA That *imitating Ryan* A-Alison...? Alison? You got the joke, right?
Jesus Daniel looks like he's about to pull a revolver out of that desk
SHH!! y'all lemme break it down for you real quick
Shit's about to get serious. Y'hear that music? Emotional moments coming up
This is like Grey's Anatomy: The Game
Oh, by the way, my cat died and I got a taxidermy but only the skeleton
Uh oh
Hahhaha don't mind me, I was just SHAVING MY HEAD
That, or I was using a (plain?playn?plane?) to shave pieces of wood off my desk
What is THIS?
Yeah, you're a lot more buff and handsome than when you left
ooOH SHITT YALLLL
I don't know what's going on but this game-
This game just throws- they throws that rabbit out on the fishing line and just... rabbit (even hes confused w himself)
throws that fuckin' carrot out on the fishing line and just REELS YOU IN, doesnt it?
I was thinking about in my head, "Ooh, rabbits eat carrots!" *cue cute giggle*
DEUCES!! :D
BYE!
Ahahah I was gonna do the stereotypical Russian accent for him as well but this way is more fun too
Gonna get him
YAY BACK TO MY HAPPY HAPPY ER
Hmmp I don't know if I thould twust him
If I know my chin ass can predict bad feelings
That's not a good one
THANKS FOR TALKING TO DANIEL ALLITON
Then start making out on the table
Alright well okay SEE YA BYEEEEEE
Wait, what am I gettin'?
New curtains?
YA HEAR THAT PARENTS? All you need to help your children read better is to change the fuckin' curtains
Ahehehe, teddy bear boons.... you're so funny
That might actually be good for my combos
You know those combos that I'm getting. I'm gonna get this
BOOYAH KACHA
Get 24 quicktime bonuses? Oh mother of fuck tits
There's one
Get to her. Get to her. Quickly
Okay. Go over there and measure her ass
Well, not her ASS. HER ENTIRE BODY, actually
But... get in that fuckin' chair
Uh.....
*concentrating hard*
Is that how I do it? 4 ft 1 or 4 ft 3?
YER THE YELLOW ONE! I did a goooood
"Great job!" Thanks, motherfucker
I mean-
...Connor!
Doctor Handsome!
DOCTOR CONNOR HANDSOME, REPORTING FOR ER!
You're not even sick! You're just fuckin' loungin' around (yea, where is this hospital where I can use gameboy all day?)
ALL YOU WANT IS FUCKIN' FREEBIE ISNT IT
JUST SIT DOWN AND PLAY GAMEBOY ALL DAY
I HOPE YOU'RE PLAYING POKEMON BLUE
If not, then fuck you
OH I HEARD A LIL MUSK(?)RAT
Okay, I need teddy bear bones... QUICKLY! SHES DYING DAMMIT!!!
Fuckin' saved her ass
Ah, you need me to come over and check all the spots on your face?
POOM POOM POOM POOM!!
Best doctor! BEST DOCTOR EU
BONUS SO LARGE THEY... think I'm in charge!
Read this!
Sit on this!
Yes, read with your eyes! (i miss nugget ma nnnnn)
You need a spoon up your butt? No problem, Jack's gotchu covered
'kay, now sit in that chair, really make sure that the s-spoon settles in
AH FUCKIN' BANDAGES
BANDAGE MY HOMIE
We fuckin' did it. GOLDEN HEARTS!!!
FUCK YESA YES
24 quicktime bonuses, heh. DEUCES!
Aw shit. This one sucks 'cause it takes ages!
There we go, that was fast. HA! HAHAHA takes ages...
hell nooo
READ THOSE FASTER I DIDNT CHANGE THE CURTAINS SO YOU CAN STAND ALL DAY READIN (insert alphabets here)
It stands for: extra fuck poranium-- I don't know
Shit, you go there. Quick treatment. QUICK TREATMEEENTT
Aaaaand there! You are a purple
Now... Cheezaddy check ya'self out before you rizzady wreck yourself!
I am the best doctor! I'm having fun in my ER
It's not my ER, it's pediatrics
DONT WORRY, WE HAVE ROOM WORKS(?) IN HERE TODAY (im sorry yall)
FUCKIN HIGH SCORE BITCHES
I have never felt like a more accomplished doctor!
The more stars I get, the prettier I get as well, and the happier I get
That's all I need in life, more stars
Ooh inject her hand!
What's up, Connor? What's going down? In jealous land
Okay ILL BE RIGHT THERE
DONT WORRY ABOUT I
Connor? Mr. Sexy Handsome?
WE HAVE COMPETITION
He's sittin' there like "Hmm.. that man.. might actually... BE MORE HANDSOME THAN I!!"
Okay, that was easy
HA WHAT DO I KNOW, IM JUST A DITZY FLOOPSY DOODLES HAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAH
I LOVE IT!! JUST OUT OF NOWHERE!
Just really ridiculous, stupid shit
You know we have something to hide... the orphans!
We killed them all! Hahahha
WE CANT TALK ABOUT THAT DAMMIT!!!!
I HEARD YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT STOLEN MEDICINE AND ALSO, STEALING MY GIRLFRIEND'S HEART
That's a dominating man. Comes in, voice AND balls in your face
NIIIICEEE
Oh! Ryan's still getting along
Hahhahaha I'm sorry, Alison's butt. I'm sorry. I was staring at your butt!
Why're you making luchadores?
Oh, Ryan!
Everything Ryan says is gold
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH
OOOH THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE GAME EVER!!
Can I... pay money to get rid of Ryan?
Oh I have three beds now! Alright, what else can I upgrade?
Chairs?
I'm gonna upgrade these ones!
Because I feel like these are the ones they spend the longest in
Okay, Ryan
What the fuck is this?
OH I HAVE TO FUCKIN' HELP YOU BUILD?
IM A PEDIATRICIAN NOT A FUCKIN' CARPENTER
DO I LOOK LIKE JESUS'S FATHER?
I fuckin' did it, ha ha ha
Okay, help build the decor
Oh you want mr. lil sick bear
OH WAIT NO N ON O NO NO PICK UP THE FUC KI N--
SHES DYING DAMMIT SHES BLEEDING OUT ON MY TABLE
I WILL NOT HAVE THIS, JULIE!!!
Motherfucker. BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP
Yep it's leprosy alright, I'm sorry.
We're gonna have to amputate those feet
We're gonna have to amputate that face
Ah shit, there's no way in hell that I can do this fast enough to be able to--- AHHHH I FUCKIN' DID IT! (believ jack believ)
Okay, help build the decor and-- get over in that fuckin' chair
Uh oh... Uh oh... UH OH
Shit's actually... gettin' rather hard now
'kay, you'll be fine at that for awhile
Um... what is your height? You are a greeny doo
HO HO HOOO! 1 STAR REACHED BECAUSE OF THE C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!
Jesus Christ, am I building a fuckin' stable?
Go over there, I'm busy buildin'
Ya think these fuckin' magical surgery hands are just good for openin' children up and stuffin' lovin' there?
NO!!!!
THESE ARE ALSO GOOD FOR BUILDING LUCHADORES STAGES!!
WHAT IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE?
Okay. Go over there and measure
Even tho' you're about 19ft tall
NOOO CHECKOUT I WAS SAYIN'
Measure this tall... lady
Okay, he needs a- he needs a syringe in his head
There you go. Yes, I can see inside your head and see that there's no fuckin' brains in there!
What are you telling me over here? Restock?
I DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKIN' RESTOCK
Oh! I'll just go over here and read this bullshit
Niiice!! I finished it. I FINISHED IT
There we go. Augh fucK FUCK FU CK I NEED TO RESTOCK!
YOURE NOT TAKING THE THING!!!! Okay-- There we go, there we go
INHALER! Yes, I think I need one with all the fuckin' running around I'm doing
BBRRRRRRTTT DONT FUCKIN' WORRY
I'M THE BEST DOCTOR. I'M ABLE TO BUILD SETS, I'M ABLE TO FIX YOUR FACE, I'M ABLE TO DO SOME ROADWORKS ON YOUR ARM
Check him out, we're almost at the end of the day
Nobody else. Nobody else! That's the end. THAT'S THE END. WE'RE DONE. WE'RE GOOD. WE'RE DONE-ZO
MOTHERFUCKER!
COMING INTO MY PEDIATRICS WHEN I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GET OUT AND GET A MIMOSA
Ya know what's gonna happen? I'm gonna bandage your face shut
You couldn't have done that at home?
You look like you're about 22 years old! Why're you in the fuckin' pediatrics?
Did I get Oliver this time? I can't remember if I did
I did, and I got the challenge!
Ain't no sweat off my sack. DEUCES!!
Oh shit
Give us, give us som-- AHAHAHHAAHAHAH
BABY FIGHTS!!
You know if they hurt each other, I'm just gonna be the one foldin' the bill and... fixing shit
Also, did I just deconstruct my desk in 2 mins?
I love that it's children fighting in luchadore outfits!
Oh my God...
Ya have to pay for those ones apparently
HA! *pshh*
???? sCUSE ME??
IM TALKING!
Fuck, I'm missing the story now
It's beautiful... byee hhHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHA
AUUGHG THE FEELS! (tragic backstory, mannnn)
POOR ALISON!
WOW THEY'RE SO MUCH BETTER AT THIS THAN I AM
(fabulous jack moment)
(such sexy man)
I really wish she'd dab
Poor Alison...
AwwW NOOOOO
Oh gee do you think so, dad?
Aw thanks gee
Aw... :(
Do it, Alison! NO! CALL YOU MOTHER!!
How are you ever gonna go up, evolve and grow, if you don't call your mommy?
Maynnn. She's hidin'! SHE'S HIDING FROM THE TRUTH!
That's her problem-- Awh I didn't do the bonus level back here
Okay, let's do this!
3! 2! 1!
What happened?
Did the game crash? Okay! Well, the game crashed, so, I'm gonna leave this episode here! (he still hasn't changed the wallpaper from emily is away??)
I was just gonna do the bonus mission and leave it here anyway, might do those in like, my own time so we get just the story stuff in the episodes
instead of going through like all the bonus little hipsy diddles here and there
I don't know what hipsy diddles is, I just made up that term right here and now, it's good!
MAN THIS GAME IS SO FUCKIN' AWESOME I LOVE IT SO MUCH
LIKE THE GAMEPLAY IS ACTUALLY SUPER FUN. I WOULD LEGITIMATELY PLAY THIS, IT'S VERY ADDICTIVE!
To get in and like click on things and get your highscores and everything, I'd legit play this
This'd be a great uh touchscreen game, but I think...
The story, along with that, AMAZING. Cause I love stories where I get to do my own voices
But having a story that's just so completely ridiculous, and so... melodramatic really puts it over the top for me
Ahhh I love it so much!
(OUTRO TIME)
Tune in next time... for... Hearts Medicine.
