VERY FUNNY MAN WHOM YOU CAN SEE 
IN THE NEW AMAZON SERIES 
"INSIDE JOKES."
YOU CAN ALSO SEE HIM LIVE AT 
ZANIES IN ST. CHARLES, ILLINOIS 
FEBRUARY 7th THROUGH THE 9th.
PLEASE WELCOME KELLEN ERSKINE.
♪ ♪
>> ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE.
>> PICTURE A MAP OF THE 
UNITED STATES; I KNOW THAT WE 
WERE COLONIZED FROM EAST TO 
WEST, RIGHT TO LEFT, BUT IT 
LOOKS LIKE IT WAS THE OTHER WAY 
AROUND.
IT LOOKS LIKE THERE WAS ONE GUY 
IN CHARGE OF DESIGNING THE 
ENTIRE COUNTRY AND HIS BOSS GAVE
HIM JUST THE OUTLINE AND SAID, 
"YOU'VE GOTTA DIVIDE THIS INTO 
FIFTY SECTIONS STARTING FROM THE
LEFT SIDE," AND THE GUY WAS 
LIKE, "OH YEAH, THERE'S PLENTY 
OF ROOM."
AND IF YOU DON'T GET THAT, YOU 
SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO VOTE.
SO I LOVE JOKES, I LOVE WRITING 
AND TELLING JOKES, IT'S MY 
FAVORITE THING NOTICE WORLD.
BUT SOME OF MY JOKES NEVER GOT 
THE ATTENTION THEY DESERVE.
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE COMEDY IS 
ALL ABOUT TIMING AND SOMETIMES 
MINE IS TOO GOOD.
SO I HAVE SIRI READ THEM AND IT 
MAKES THEM BETTER, BECAUSE SHE'S
THE WORST.
SO THESE ARE SOME OF MY JOKES AS
READ BY MY PHONE.
>> TESTING, TESTING, TESTING.
>> IS THAT GOOD? OKAY, THAT WAS 
THE FIRST ONE.
>> IT'S ALWAYS A PLEASANT 
SURPRISE WHEN YOU FIND AN 
UNEXPECTED TEN DOLLARS IN THE 
JACKET POCKET OF A STRANGER.
>> THE PERSON WHO SAID TO DRINK 
8 TO 10 CUPS OF WATER A DAY FOR 
YOUR HEALTH FORGOT THAT IT ALSO 
MAKES YOU ENTER 5 TO 7 PUBLIC 
RESTROOMS A DAY.
>> MOST OF THE TIME I'M A GOOD 
DAD, AND THEN THE REST OF THE 
TIME I READ BEDTIME STORIES TO 
MY KIDS FASTER THAN I DO 
ANYTHING IN MY LIFE.
I LIKE TO GO PAINT BALLING WITH 
MY FRIENDS WHEN THEY LEAST 
EXPECT IT.
>> YOU NEVER KNOW HOW MANY 
USELESS THINGS YOU KNOW UNTIL 
YOU TRAIN SOMEONE AT WORK.
>> NOTHING GIVES ME MORE OF A 
RUSH THAN DECLINING INSURANCE ON
A RENTAL CAR.
>> THAT'S ALWAYS ME AT THE 
RENTAL KIOSK WHEN THEY SAY, "WE 
HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU GET 
COVERAGE FOR AN EXTRA $47 A 
DAY."
AND I'M LIKE, "NO THANKS."
AND THEN THEY ASK, "DOES YOUR 
PERSONAL INSURANCE COVER IT?"
AND I'M LIKE, "YES."
>> GOOGLE IS TURNING 20 YEARS 
OLD THIS YEAR.
I CANNOT BELIEVE IT WAS JUST 
21 YEARS AGO THAT I NEVER 
RESEARCHED ANYTHING EVER.
>> I TOLD MY FRIEND I WAS GOING 
ON A CRUISE AND HE SAID HE COULD
NEVER DO THAT BECAUSE HE WAS 
AFRAID OF SHARKS.
I SAID, "I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I CAN'T FLY ON AIRPLANES BECAUSE
I'M SCARED OF SEAGULLS.
>> IT TAKES 20 MINUTES TO FIND 
OUT IF YOU'VE REALLY TURNED OFF 
A CEILING FAN.
>> HAVE YOU EVER DONE THAT? I'LL
TURN IT OFF AND THEN WALK BACK 
INTO THAT ROOM IN THE EVENING 
LIKE, "IS IT, IS IT SLOWING 
DOWN?"
>> IF YOU'VE SEEN THE MOVIE "A 
QUIET PLACE", IT'S BASED ON THE 
STORY OF EVERY TIME I TRY AND 
SILENTLY OPEN CANDY WHEN MY KIDS
ARE IN THE HOUSE.
>> A TESLA CAN PARK ITSELF.
HOWEVER, MY NISSAN WILL SPEND 
THREE MINUTES ALERTING ME THAT 
MY GROCERIES HAVEN'T BUCKLED 
THEIR SEATBELT.
>> YOU GUYS ARE FUN, I'LL LEAVE 
YOU WITH ONE MORE.
>> TVS ARE GETTING THINNER, BUT 
PEOPLE ARE GETTING FATTER, SO 
EVERYONE IS STILL THE SAME 
DISTANCE FROM THE SCREEN
