[whimsical music playing]
Hey, gods. It's Devi Vishwakumar,
your favorite Hindu girl
in the San Fernando Valley.
What's a-poppin'?
It's the first day of school,
and I thought we should have a check in. 
I think we can all agree
that last year sucked
for a number of reasons.
So I thought of a few ways
you guys can make it up to me.
One: I'd like to be invited to a party
with alcohol and hard drugs. 
I'm not gonna do them.
I'd just like the opportunity to say:
"No cocaine for me, thanks. I'm good." 
Two: I'd love for my arm hair to thin out.
I know it's an Indian thing,
but my forearms look like
the frigging floor of a barber shop. 
And lastly, most importantly, 
I'd really, really like a boyfriend,
but not some nerd from one of AP classes. 
Like a guy from a sports team. 
He can be dumb. I don't care. 
I just want him to be a stone-cold hottie,
who could rock me all night long. 
Thanks for considering. I love you guys.
