[MUSIC PLAYING]
MICHAEL JASCZ: So I have
a couple of questions.
How many of you know
at least 100 people?
200?
Right, we all know
a lot of people.
Do you have a
different relationship
with each of those people?
Right?
The person at the
deli, your family--
but if I ask you are you in a
relationship, do you look at me
and say, what kind
of question is
that I don't know 200 people.
Why is the word relationship
come to mean significant other.
Newspapers, magazines, the
internet, and of course,
we all want to have a partner.
We want to have companionship.
We want to have that sort
of lasting bond with someone
that we're close to.
So we look at the
word relationship
as how can we have healthy
relationships with everyone
in our life and not just
our urge and impetus
to be with a significant other.
So about six-- well, no,
actually almost 10 years ago,
I was doing a
relationship coaching.
And I had been
working with someone
who was an administrator,
parent coordinator,
in fact, at the lab school
on the 17th Street just
up the block.
And after we had worked
for a bit, he said,
would you come in to speak
to a group of junior boys?
And I said yes because
I couldn't find the no.
Do some of you remember
there was something
you know you had to
do but you didn't
know why you were doing it?
And I went and I started
speaking with these boys.
I was sitting down,
and I could see
they weren't paying attention.
And somehow something
happened and I stood up.
And like a drill Sergeant
I said, listen up.
It's a bit out of my character.
However, later that day, the
administrator sent an email
to the principal
saying, he had not
seen a group of boys transformed
in 42 minutes in his 10 years
in the school.
What I teach relationship Ed
as a component of health Ed.
How many of you had
relationship Ed in school?
No hands up, OK.
So 10 years later, I
went into the school,
spent the rest of the entire
2008, 2009 school year there.
And 10 years later, we've
been in over 40 schools.
We've been to colleges.
We've worked with social
service organizations.
And we have a curriculum.
If the camera could
come in close,
healthy relationships 101.
And we say there's no
102 because you kind
get what's in this book
and carry forward with it.
And we've also written a book.
Some of you got the
book when you came in.
And this is a compilation of my
experiences coaching and using
very much the same
approach to coaching
as we use when we
go in the classroom.
Mostly we're working with
high school students.
And before each chapter, some
of you who have the book,
you'll notice there's
a student journal
entry because one of the things
we had students start to do
is keep journals on how they
saw relationships portrayed
in society.
So we have a book.
We have a curriculum.
We also have a guide book.
Our guide books being used by
mental health organizations.
It's being used by women's
organizations, organizations
that work with trafficked
women to help them rebuild
and restore their lives,
and most recently, prison
counselors.
We did a workshop
with prison counselors
who go to Rikers Island.
And we have found out
that they're already
starting-- the
prisoners are already
starting to speak
differently to their spouses
when they have their limited
time to be on the phone.
So I have another question.
What do you do when you
want to get good at a sport?
AUDIENCE: Practice
MICHAEL JASCZ: Practice?
Feel free to call
out the answer.
How about if you
want to get good
in a language, foreign language?
AUDIENCE: Practice.
MICHAEL JASCZ: Practice.
How about if you want to
get good at an instrument?
AUDIENCE: Practice.
MICHAEL JASCZ: What do
you do when you want
to get good at a relationship?
AUDIENCE: Practice.
MICHAEL JASCZ: Who
said practice loudly?
Could you come on stage?
[LAUGHTER]
I think you should leave
the rest of the talk.
[LAUGHTER]
Who tells us to
practice relationships?
So 100 years ago or more
than-- about the turn
of the 20th century, the
life expectancy was about 47.
Up until then, the life
expectancy between 30 and 40
because modern medicine
is what's kept us going.
And so we are actually in a
new period of human evolution.
Now we live twice as long
as most other humans.
We don't think about that.
We are living twice as long as
most people have ever lived.
How do we cultivate, sustain,
and have relationships
that flourish and
thrive for decades
and decades and decades?
Some of you may have
experienced a breakup.
Has anyone experienced a
breakup with a intimate partner?
Has anyone experienced
their parents breaking up?
Few hands going up.
It can be difficult.
So we-- there's a
lot of information
out about relationships.
In fact, 20 years
ago, some of you
may know a professor
Dan Goldman.
He wrote a book called
"Emotional intelligence."
And then he wrote a book
called "Social Intelligence."
And many of you may have heard
of the social and emotional
learning movement,
which is more and more
is coming into schools.
And Harville Hendricks-- he
was here about a year ago.
Has anyone-- was anyone
here for Harville Hendrix?
Harville Hendrix
wrote a book called
"Getting The Love You Want,"
which someone gave to Oprah--
does anyone know who Oprah is?
[LAUGHTER]
--a little over 20 years ago.
And he-- Harville
went on the show.
She's named him as one of
the 20 most important guests
that she's ever had on her
show Harville Hendrix is what
I would call a modern master.
I was fortunate enough to
sit-in on one of his workshops.
And he can read people.
He can read how people
are in relationships.
And I saw people
that hadn't slept
in the same room for 25 years
crying, holding each other,
ready to do it over again.
So I recommend his book,
"Getting The Love You Want."
And I recommend that you look
into other relationship authors
because it's so much
a part of our life.
Has anyone heard of Tony Porter?
He has an organization
called A Call To Men.
And he is an extraordinary
YouTube video, a Ted Talk.
It's 3 million viewers.
Amazingly, inspiring, and
we show it in the classroom.
So these people I think
amongst many other
should be household
names, given how
we are challenged
by relationships
and learning to
respect each other.
And so how many of you
have been in therapy?
A few hands went up.
How many of you don't
like raising your hands
when this question is asked?
[LAUGHTER]
OK, well, I went to therapy.
And I spoke about my parents.
And I blamed my father and
my mother for my problems.
And then one day I asked myself,
well, who instructed them?
My grandparents were
born when the light bulb
was relatively new.
What did they know?
It was about survival.
Would we have enough food?
Would we be able to
keep warm at night?
So there came the day when
I realized my parents were
doing the best they could.
My father lived
through the Depression.
I hardly ever saw him.
He had a wholesale toy
business before the big toy
companies came along and all
the little toy stores went away.
And I would say my mom was very
lonely and probably depressed
because my dad was never around.
And so I didn't
have a male mentor.
I didn't have a male role model
and that affected my childhood
and my outlook on life.
So when you look at-- does
anyone blame their parents
for anything?
[LAUGHTER]
I just hear smiles, and they
didn't do anything wrong.
Keep in mind, you
may have spent time
with your grandparents,
who shower you
with love because they didn't
have to deal with your growing
years.
But what was it like
for your parents
to grow up with
your grandparents
and if your
grandparents split up
and if your parents split up?
So there's this disruption
that goes on in relationships
and it affects all of us.
OK, OK, we're going to
do a quick exercise.
Everyone has a handout.
Empathy-- there's the
dictionary definition.
The ability to
share and understand
the feelings of another.
How-- anyone want to describe
empathy what comes to mind?
When you think of
empathy, there's
a phrase that's fairly common.
AUDIENCE: Feeling other's pain.
MICHAEL JASCZ:
Feeling others pain.
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE]
MICHAEL JASCZ: Putting
yourself in somebody else's--
AUDIENCE: Shoes.
MICHAEL JASCZ: Right,
but putting yours--
you can't put yourself
in someone else's shoes
when they're going
through a difficult time.
So I'd like everyone
to pick a partner, an A
and a B. The simplest would be
A would have the longest hair.
And if you have the
long hair but it's up,
let's do this quickly.
Get the-- everyone has
the empathy exercise
if you'll take a look at it.
So what A is going
to do and B, A you're
going to turn to B.
You're going to tell them
something that annoyed
or disappointed you
about transportation the subway
into work, something that
happened at home with your
sink, something that happened
at work with a computer,
something simple
not something tragic like my
building blew up yesterday.
There was a gas explosion.
Something simple.
Take a second.
Think about it.
Everybody can think of
something that's annoyed them.
So B, you're going
to go down the list.
One after another
you can say, you
think you had a tough
time getting to work.
Let me tell you about me.
One upping.
Has anyone experienced
one upping?
Yes.
Or, you know, maybe you
should get up earlier.
Has anyone experienced
unrequested advice?
Yes.
OK, so we're going to
practice empathy blocking.
Then we're going to
practice empathic, what
we call empathic listening.
And there are books this thick
on the neuroscience of empathy.
But we're going to do
something very simple.
So A are you ready?
Turn to B. Tell
them something that
annoyed or disappointed you.
And B, you go down the
list and block empathy.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
MICHAEL JASCZ: B,
you tell A something
annoyed or disappointed
you and see if you
can look in their left eye.
Stay connected.
And partner A, you will
enjoy blocking empathy
as it sounds like you
are enjoying this.
OK, again.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
So now, you're going to do what
we call empathic listening.
A, say the same thing to B.
And B, if you can imagine,
this is someone your partner,
someone you really love them.
You care about them.
It's someone you would
like to be closer with.
You-- they're going to just say.
I had a rough time
getting in here,
and you're going to
look at them and say.
I hear you.
Like you really-- and then
say, is there more to that.
Tell me more.
That is our simple approach
to empathy is to simply say.
I mean, even when I'm
on the elevator now.
And someone gets
in, they go, I can't
believe the weather today.
This is my Italian
Brooklyn accent.
You know, I can't
believe-- and you know,
I can't understand why the Mets
can't win a game, you know.
And I say, I hear you.
That's all I say is I hear you.
And you should see the
look on people's face.
So A turn to B. Tell them again
something, and you're just--
B is simply just going
to say I hear you.
Tell me more as best
you can sincerely,
imagining that person they
may already be someone
that you're close with.
OK, A again.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Moving on.
Again, and would anyone
like to share anything?
Now keep in mind
at the end, you may
want to get the contact person.
This person is there
stranger, and they might
become your empathy buddy.
So you call them up and say, I
got to tell you what happened.
They say, tell me more.
[LAUGHTER]
Because we all want
to be received, right?
How about when we were young.
For some of us,
we'd say to whoever
it was, a grandparent, a
parent, caretaker, later, later.
And so that leaves
something, a mark
where are we not good
enough to be heard.
We all want to be received.
This is our empathy exercise.
And we have a chapter about it.
And it starts with
the empathy exercise.
OK, the ACEs-- anyone heard
of the Adverse Childhood
Experiences?
Raise your hand if
you've heard of the ACEs.
OK, fair number of
people know about it.
It's based on a study that
was done by the CDC and Kaiser
Permanente in San Diego in
the mid '90s, where they
had over 17,000 participants.
And what they identified in
this study was that they all--
2/3 of them had
at least one ACE.
Take a look at your ACEs list.
There's three abuse, to
neglect, five family challenges.
Do some of you know people
who have some of these ACEs?
And are they struggling
because of those ACEs,
but they don't
remember them maybe.
And in modern psychology, there
is a fair amount of information
how people block
out their trauma.
And then it comes.
Then they realize why
they've had certain diseases.
What they actually
found is that there
were health risks to this.
The CDC is calling the ACEs the
nation's worst health crisis
and its least known
because we don't
want to talk about our shame.
Do you go to a social event and
say, how many ACEs do you have?
I have three.
Never saw my dad.
My mom was depressed,
maybe mentally ill.
And I don't remember anybody
holding me, saying I love you,
tucking me in a bed.
And there were no
books in our house.
And I have trouble reading.
And I've recently realized this.
And I've cried about it.
In May of 2012, I saw an
article on the internet.
It said suspension
days drop 85%.
And there were 400,000
hits on the article.
It was about a school
in Washington state
in a small town called Walla
Walla, where the principal had
gone to a talk on brain science
and found out about the ACEs.
It's a guy that loved
people, loved kids.
His name is Jim Sporleder.
When he realized that his
kids had ACEs, because this
was an alternative
school where the kids
went who got thrown out.
There was gangs, meth,
pregnancies, bullying,
other drugs.
Kids would say f you to the
teacher, go to the principal,
and he'd say look,
Smith, I gotta
put you out for five days.
But it wouldn't be like,
you know, you're a bad kid.
And you know you're going
to ruin it for everybody.
Now, Smith says f
you to the teacher.
Goes to principal.
Instead of saying,
what's wrong with you?
He would say what
happened to you?
Well, my dad's drinking.
My mom's not around.
There's domestic violence.
The kid would calm down.
And in a three year
period, suspension days
went from 796 to 135.
Graduation rates
went up five times.
What do our schools
want in this country?
Do we want suspension
rates to drop down?
Do we want truancy to go down?
Do we want grades to go up?
So this is what
happened in his school.
Somehow another I
found his email.
I said, great what
you're doing there.
He emailed me back.
Great what you're
doing in New York.
He flew me out there.
I gave a daylong
workshop for his staff.
A week later, Jamie
Redford came in
and spent a year in the school
documenting the transformation
and made a film
called "Paper Tigers".
He's actually since made
a film called "Resilience"
and has organized a whole
movement about the ACEs
and building resilience.
So what these children
experience was resilience.
And what they had for the
first time in their life
was a stable caring adult. ACEs
effect the brain architecture.
Adrenaline and cortisol
floods into the brain's--
into the blood system.
And there is an
unhealthy-- there
is a brain that has been
abused, and next to it
is a healthy brain.
Look at the frontal
lobe in the beginning.
Do we know some
people that might
need some caring stable
love in their life?
The brain has plasticitiy.
It can regenerate.
And that's what
happened in this school.
The kids' brains regenerated
because their teachers
and their administrators,
the cafeteria workers,
the janitors all agreed when
they looked at that kid,
they looked at a student who
had disruptive brain chemistry.
So they saw this.
Kids who did not have a behavior
problem had a brain problem.
Does everybody get that?
Can that be something we
can bring into our schools?
The toughest kids are seen
by teachers who are ready.
And it takes time for a teacher,
who's been treated poorly
by students for 25 years.
It might not be so
easy to see this,
to see that their behavior
is a coping mechanism,
and that their behavior
is out of their control.
So we've all seen
things in the newspaper
or on the internet
about these bad kids.
In April, Oprah Winfrey
went on "60 Minutes"
and talked about
trauma informed care.
And said it was the most
important thing she had ever
discovered.
She said, that boy in park
land, we have to ask what not
what's wrong with him,
what happened to him.
Who of us was asking
that question.
He was in and out
of foster homes.
What was his brain
chemistry like?
And the worst case scenario,
which all takes us to the floor
is when there's that
kind of violence.
So this is the ACEs study.
I've been to six conferences,
or three conferences this year
with 600 participants,
superintendents
from whole school
districts saying,
we have to do it differently.
How about that?
The change we've
been looking for,
the stories we've heard about
schools and the problems that
are there, this is the
piece of the puzzle
that may help schools become
safer and more productive.
We have a piece that
we introduced called
nonviolent communication.
And it's this book by
Marshall Rosenberg.
This book changed my life.
And it's what we
bring into schools.
And it's a major part of
what's in our curriculum.
And by the way,
Jim Sporleder has
written a book called-- which
schools can now access called
"The Trauma Informed School."
And another professor
that I've met,
Melissa Sadin, a
very simple book,
"Teachers Guide To Trauma."
This is a typical page.
There is so much
in this book that
could help teachers and help
parents understand and support
the children.
OK, nonviolent communication.
Has anybody
experienced this world?
Anybody ever been judged,
judgment, blame, shame?
Anybody grow up with this?
A few of us, right?
OK, so we use the-- if you
look at your needs and feelings
list, what is that?
What is the needs
and feelings list?
I was taught as a boy
don't show your feelings.
Be a man.
Man up.
Tony Porter points this
out in his Ted talk.
So now look at the
needs list first.
We know all these words.
If you look in the
middle row, who
doesn't have a need for
harmony raise your hand?
Who doesn't have in mind
a need for peace of mind?
Who is in need for order?
Are there any
artists in the room?
Are paints scattered around?
Do you find artists don't
have the same need for order
that, well, I have
because I have an office
and I want to keep it orderly.
So I have a need for order.
Under on the right side, under
connection, how many of you
have a significant other?
Quite a few.
Affection, acceptance,
appreciation, care, closeness,
belonging, empathy, inclusion,
love, nurturing, companionship.
A need at the bottom
that I realized
having grown up in
the situation I did,
I have a need for warmth.
But I didn't know
that till I had
a list of what are my needs.
So let's say teachers
what needs do they have?
Competence.
What do you have at Google?
Effectiveness, efficiency,
creativity, discovery.
We're not thinking
these words necessarily,
but they are key words for
an organization to succeed.
Learning-- in a significant
other relationship,
if you communicate in the
beginning about your childhood
and what your needs are--
so let's say you
have someone that
grew up in punishing silence.
They were alone.
They meet someone who grew up
with hovering, micromanaging
and controlling family members.
Anyone grow up in
that situation?
Nobody.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, so they meet, and
they fall in love.
But I don't fall
in love anymore.
I rise in love.
Fall.
These are some of
the phrases we use.
I'd rather rise in love.
So quickly, the person
who needs inclusion
says, you know, I
need you need space.
If you look on your needs
list, you'll see space.
I laminate the needs
and feelings list.
And I carry it with me
because I'm still learning.
I have a lifetime
of conditioning.
Space at the bottom
under autonomy.
And I say, or the person
that needs inclusion says,
I'm going to spend more time
with my cousins and my friends
because I know you need space.
What need does that
immediately meet?
Few lines Up.
Safety.
Now it's safe to be around this
person who needs inclusion, who
wants to do everything together,
and the person who's space
can say, go away.
And that person
doesn't feel-- well,
look at your feelings list,
sad, disappointed, , anxious,
frustrated, worried, confused.
Now that they may
feel those feelings,
but there's a bond
has been created
where there's an understanding
about needs and feelings.
So this is what we
bring into the classroom
is to get students
familiar with who they
are as needs, feelings, people.
We go from this world.
This is nonviolent
communication.
So what do you call someone
who doesn't have any needs?
AUDIENCE: Dead.
MICHAEL JASCZ: Dead, right?
Well, OK, so we have air,
water, shelter, food, dead.
So needs are about life.
This is about our
life force, our needs.
So we can live in this world,
a world of people needs
and feelings.
And I'll finish with
two quick stories.
I live in the East Village.
And I was working,
and I was going
to a class in Jackson
Heights Queens.
So I had 54 kids in the class.
I went and bought, they didn't
have money for journals.
The kids keep journals.
And I bought 54
journals, put them
in two shopping bags,
put it on my bike,
didn't have a city bike then.
It was a few years ago.
And I biked to the El train.
Then I went on the El
train to Union Square.
And I took the six
train to Grand Central.
And then I took the seven train
to Jackson Heights and got off.
And those of you who've
been on an elevated subway,
you come down partway.
And there's a flat space.
And as I neared the flat space,
I saw someone coming up slowly.
Then I saw someone with that
hurried look in their face.
And I thought, if they
go around that person,
I must have stopped my tracks.
And I remember thinking, don't.
They did.
I stopped in my tracks.
First words came to mind,
thoughtless, inconsiderate.
I won't tell you
what words came--
would have come to my mind
before I started doing this.
As my foot touched
the sidewalk, I said,
I wonder what their needs are.
Maybe they're going to see
their aunt Eva, who has an hour
to live, who met their need for
love, appreciation, affection,
acceptance.
Their strategy to meet their
needs included cutting me off.
But were they a bad person?
Were they my judgments?
And I began to imagine.
Maybe they save someone's life
who was drowning a month ago.
Maybe they are a living
Saint in their neighborhood
and helped raise money
for community services.
And it was as though I
experienced my neuropathways.
There was-- it shifted.
Neurons that fired
together wired together.
There was a firing in
my brain, and I went,
I don't have to judge people.
Does everybody see
how this can happen?
You're riding down the road.
Somebody cuts you off, right?
You roll down your
window and you say,
that didn't meet my need
for safety and stability.
No, you idiot, or
some other words.
But maybe they save
someone's life.
Maybe they're a living Saint.
Maybe they're rushing to pick
up their child at school.
The lights have gone off.
And it's getting dark and
they're ride didn't come.
Do I drive up to them?
Say, could you pull over please?
I went, I need to interview you,
find out why you cut me off.
No, but I don't have to carry
this anger and resentment.
And I still get triggered.
I ride my bike
everywhere in the city.
When cabs get too
close to me, you
don't want to know what I think.
But I don't drive
up to the stoplight
because of course,
they had to stop.
They didn't have to
get so close to me.
But I don't do this, hey,
you want to kill somebody?
I could use the money
from the insurance.
It's like, I don't know
who's in the backseat.
Are they rushing to
a hospital to-- is
somebody about to give birth?
Are they sending someone
with medical assistance
to save someone's life?
So we can use our
minds to imagine
what's right with people,
what's OK with them,
and not our judgments.
So I highly recommend my book.
It has a chapter on
nonviolent communication
and a chapter on empathy.
And we have journal entries
before chapter and definitely
nonviolent communication.
This could change the world.
And it's a major part
of our curriculum.
And I thank everybody for
coming today and hearing
about the ACEs.
You'll be hearing
about it a lot more.
The trauma informed school
movement is exploding.
And schools around
the country are
saying let's be
there for these kids
because when you
don't punish them
and re traumatize them, after
a while the teacher says,
are you having a bad day?
F you.
Did you have breakfast
this morning?
Come on to the cafeteria.
When you stop getting
punishment, getting punished,
what's the alternative?
What else should I do?
I'll study, and that's
why at Lincoln High,
graduation rates
went up five times.
And our goal is to make a
contribution to the education
system so that we will have more
productive safe and successful
schools, and to bring this to
the parents and the teachers
so we have a more
harmonious society.
[APPLAUSE]
HENRY FAULKNER:
Thank you, Michael,
since we have a
little bit of time.
I have a few
questions, and we're
going to also open up
the mics on the side
if you've got questions for
Michael about the program.
I think there is sort of
this kind of two buckets.
One is on relationships and
how we are in the world.
And the other is
the work of taking
this curriculum
and this training
and bringing it into schools.
I'm curious.
Thinking at scale,
what do you think
it would take for a
relationship training like
to be in mass like a part
of the common education
system in the US?
MICHAEL JASCZ: It's a movement.
There is actually a
movement that's growing.
And I think through
educational publications,
through teacher and
administrator publications,
and there's many-- there's--
principal conferences.
There's teacher trainings.
The subject gets brought
up and explained.
And teachers and
parents and ministers
look at the brains, the
structure of the brain.
How can we contribute to
the regeneration of neurons
in this students brain
chemistry so that they
will be successful
and a contributor,
and that the school
feel like their home.
HENRY FAULKNER: So then thinking
locally on this as a parent,
yes, I want this in
my child's school.
What do you encourage parents
to do to make this happen?
MICHAEL JASCZ: Parents, first
of all, have limited time.
Most are working.
At night, there are
responsibilities in childcare.
As best as possibly, get
to parent, parent-teacher
meetings, and/or at least
be communicating and inquire
is there something going
on around this trauma
informed school movement, trauma
sensitive school movement?
We're very interested in it.
We'd like to know about it.
We'd like to have it
considered for our school
because we've heard that
it can bring about change
that can make a difference.
HENRY FAULKNER: OK, in terms
of sort of the audience here
at Google and a lot of
technologists and people
who create tools, how do
you think, what can we
do to make technology
foster relationships
rather than be something
that divides us?
MICHAEL JASCZ: I'm not sure.
[LAUGHTER]
Technology has saved
lives in many ways.
I find it hard to read
something that's harsh.
I guess it's called trolling.
It just hurts.
I actually physically know who
is-- but I think-- but I'm also
thinking, who is that person?
What are they going through?
What--
Instead of my judgments,
what a jerk, what,
who, how could they say this?
It's changed the way I think.
I don't like it.
But I feel pain.
I feel sad.
But I-- technology, it
can bring people closer.
It can-- it's a way to
stay in touch with people.
And just a quick note,
caring, thinking about you,
how's your day?
Something like that can
pick you up, make your day.
And instead of maybe
statements and judgments,
what do you think about this?
A lot on people's
minds are politics.
And because I've
learned not to judge,
and I still judge when
I see things going on
in the political world.
But I'm not making
that person wrong
because I don't know what
their childhood was like.
I don't know what their
brain chemistry is like.
I know their strategy to meet
their need for acceptance,
appreciation, community,
included a strategy to say,
we like these people.
But we don't like those people.
So, and that I feel sad.
HENRY FAULKNER: This
is interesting is
I think when we
talk about empathy,
I'm thinking about
this other person
and how can I think about them.
But when you describe
like, oh, try
to-- when you're
reading trolling reviews
and having some empathy
for the person there,
that seems like that's for me.
That's something,
that almost seems
like empathy is self-defense.
MICHAEL JASCZ: I hear you.
[LAUGHTER]
I wouldn't say I have--
that empathy comes up for me.
It's more what do I feel,
my feeling, and noticing
that I'm just not judging.
Mary Louise is our office
manager sitting here.
Corinne is our intern
from Dartmouth University.
Have you heard me say any
judgment words about anyone?
AUDIENCE: Never.
MICHAEL JASCZ: Except
myself maybe, right?
Because it brings
the atmosphere down.
I don't know what's
wrong with somebody.
I'm just wondering what
their unmet needs are.
What are our unmet needs.
And I just also want to mention
while people are still here,
in New York, there's
an amazing organization
called New York Center for
nonviolent communication.
NYCNVC.
And they have monthly--
the first Monday
of the month, they
have a bi donation, whatever you
can spare for an introduction
to NVC.
NYCNVC is-- that's where I've
learned most of what I know
about nonviolent communication.
And we don't-- this
word nonviolent.
We don't think of ourself
as violent people.
We associate it with wars
and beatings and killings.
But are some of the words
we say hurtful and have
a lot of hurtful words between
countries led to violence?
Hey, your country stinks.
Hey, your country stinks, too.
All right, let's go to war.
We can do it differently.
I think that's usually
how it happens.
[LAUGHTER]
HENRY FAULKNER: All right,
so one last question
is that, I mean, obviously,
there's graduation rates
and things like this.
But in terms of just applying
this in our relationships,
how are we going to
know we got this right?
Like what's the metric.
What should we be looking at?
We're all-- there's a lot
of data scientist here.
We like numbers.
MICHAEL JASCZ: OK, I only
have one number for you
at the moment.
My friend Marissa's
in the office.
She's a relationship
extraordinaire.
We've coached couples together.
And one of the very
first things that
as couples when we meet
couples, they're blaming,
shaming, right,
wrong, should, should.
We have them practice
saying tell me more.
I hear you.
Not defending, not
criticizing back.
I hear you.
Tell me more.
And we can see
the transformation
in their faces and
their physiology.
It's to add that
to your vocabulary.
It doesn't mean you won't
criticize and defend,
because that's been our
programming for a lot of--
but simple words.
I hear you.
Is there more to that?
Tell me more.
And what are you feeling?
What are you needing?
Do you need affection,
acceptance, appreciation?
Are you feeling
like you need space.
Let's meet up in 20
minutes because I
had the toughest day at work.
I need space.
I need connection.
That's the key word that I get
from nonviolent communication
is connection, connection,
connection, connection, which
seems to go on here,
a focus on connection
because you're
connecting the world.
And here you have
the opportunity
to connect with each other.
HENRY FAULKNER: Well, and on
that note, thank you very much,
Michael, pleasure.
[APPLAUSE]
