 
**CHAPTER 1**

**"Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be." Abraham Lincoln**

Elizabeth Benson woke up forty-five minutes prior to her alarm. She could hear her mother screaming at her father for something that was most likely irrelevant to anyone else. Elizabeth kicked off her lime green sheet and turquoise hibiscus printed down comforter knocking it straight off the end of the bed. She swung her legs off the side slowly until her feet were planted firmly on the white carpet. With her eyes still closed she tugged on her hair with both hands to make sure she was awake. Then, she stumbled to the bedroom door and tiptoed to the bathroom, careful not to disturb the argument.

"Leighton," she could hear her father plead from down the hall, "I'm sorry I didn't take care of it last night but I promise I will get it done tonight."

Elizabeth closed the bathroom door and sat down on the side of the porcelain tub. She rocked back and forth as her heart pounded, her body shaking in anger. Everything had to be done exactly the way her mom wanted it done, for no obvious reason except she wanted it done that way. Elizabeth felt her head swelling. The bathroom was shrinking all around her fragile body. All the oxygen was being sucked out of the room.

She leaned down, opened the bottom cabinet and pulled out her box of Tampons. It was the only thing in the entire house her mother did not go through. She cautiously reached her long, shaky

fingers in and slowly pulled out a wad of toilet paper. She dropped the box of Tampons on the floor. A few rolled out, but Elizabeth paid no attention to them. Her focus was on the toilet paper in her hand. She slowly unraveled it revealing a metal razor. Gently lifting her nightgown up past her thigh she ran her fingers along scars and cuts. Some were raised scars, already healed of the pain she had caused herself. Some were newer, still red or scabbed over.

Elizabeth held the razor over her leg carefully choosing a location. She touched an old scare with her pointer finger and tried to remember why she had tried to relieve herself of the pain that time. There was a split second where she thought about wrapping the razor back up but her brief calmness was interrupted by her mother screaming, "You bastard!" followed by cries from her two year old brother, Colby. Without hesitation, Elizabeth dug the razor in her leg over the old scar she touched a moment earlier. The pain was excruciating at first, but the endorphins kicked in quickly sending her body into a wave of serenity as the warm, blood flowed down her leg, onto the tile floor.

Elizabeth's euphoria ended when her mother knocked on the bathroom door. She quickly jumped up, pulled her nightgown over her head, dropped it on the floor covering the small drops of blood and turned on the shower water.

"I'm in the shower!" That didn't stop Leighton from opening the door.

"Beth, what are you doing up so early?"

"I have a group project. I have to get to school early."

"Look at this mess?" her mother said disgusted. There are tampons all over the floor. Pick this up right after your shower."

Elizabeth looked down at the blood from her leg swirling around the drain with the shower water. "Okay. I'll do it when I get out."

"Did you get your period, Beth? There is blood on the floor. It's all over your nightgown. I taught you better hygiene than that! I want this bathroom spotless before you go to school." Leighton Benson slammed the bathroom door behind her.

Elizabeth gripped her hand in a fist and punched the tiled shower wall. She hated when her mom called her Beth. She sank to the floor of the bathtub, curled up in a ball and started sobbing. Her life was spiraling out of control and all she wanted was to feel something, to feel needed; to feel loved.

CHAPTER 2

**"I've developed a new philosophy...only dread one day at a time." Charlie Brown**

Elizabeth sat with her legs outstretched in front of her locker, reading the latest issue of People Magazine. She felt better about herself knowing Lindsay Lohan was headed back to rehab, Paris Hilton was arrested again for illegal drug possession and Kate Bosworth had given up food for cigarettes. Elizabeth wondered if she was rich and famous with lots of fake friends, no parents to rule her life, and unlimited amounts of money if she would be even more screwed up like most of the celebrities she read about.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Jack Bennett's swagger approaching. Since preschool, when Elizabeth's family relocated to Charlotte, North Carolina from New York City, Jack Bennett had been her neighbor. They were locker neighbors and had sat next to each other in almost every class for the last twelve years, thanks to alphabetical order seating. Jack Bennett was a popular, good-looking African American who also happened to be the captain of the Football team.

After all these years, Elizabeth had given up on even speaking to him. He never replied. They didn't have any mutual friends. He was popular and she was average. She was smart and he was average. He played sports and she was athletically challenged. Neither of them existed in each other's worlds. Their realms intersected through classes, school plays, and dances but they never linked. Life was strange like that.

Elizabeth tried to concentrate on her magazine. He was practically touching her as he fumbled through his locker. They were the only two people in the hallway, a half hour before school started and he still was incapable of making any sort of conversation. Elizabeth moved her legs to sit Indian style.

"Ahhh," she yelped as she grabbed on to her leg.

The blood from her freshest cut had dried to her skirt. Jack stopped fumbling through his locker and looked down at her. Embarrassed, she stood up, swung her grape colored North Face backpack over her shoulder and ran down the hallway towards the women's locker room.

Safely alone, she sat down in front of her gym locker, lifted her skirt and carefully unwrapped the gauze. The blood had soaked right through. She pulled out a thicker pad and wrapped the cotton mesh tighter around the cut. Most of the time, her cutting was under control. Excessive bleeding was unusual. She had cut too deep and now she was suffering the consequences of her irresponsible actions.

When she was finished cleaning and redressing the wound, she headed to her first period class and pulled out her Calculus book and notebook. With her pencil, she bubbled the word, "Hate" and started filling it in. In a year, she would be in college and her new life, away from her family, would be perfect. Jack took his assigned seat next to her and started to converse with his friends. Ms. Petrova, the long, stringy haired, teacher shuffled into the classroom wearing one of the three colored corduroy jump-suit dresses she owned. The class immediately quieted down and faced forward. There was no tolerance for classroom misbehavior at Charlotte Academy.

"It's week two," Ms. Petrova said in her thick Russian accent. "We are ready to start chapter three." She looked around the classroom ensuring all books were on the student's desks. "Okay, we start derivatives of functions and exponentials. A function is a relationship between pairs of numbers, you can draw a graph, and when you look at the graph there's only one Y value for any given X value. A continuous function doesn't have any gaps. A continuously differentiable function doesn't have any sharp points." She picked up a marker and wrote on the dry erase board, "The derivative of Xn is nXn-1."

Elizabeth looked around the classroom. With Ms. Petrova's accent, it was hard to follow what she was teaching. However, Elizabeth was smart and it was easy for her to mildly pay attention in Calculus, go home and read the book, use a couple of websites as teaching tools, and ace her homework. Jack was holding his pen to his notebook but he wasn't writing a single thing down. Some students were actively taking notes on everything Ms. Petrova was saying, others were paying no attention to her, and the rest of the class was simply listening.

"First, derivatives are linear. This means d/dx (A + B) = dA/dx + dB/dx. This is sometimes called the distributive law, but we just call it linear. This rule means if a function has several parts added together, you can differentiate them one part at a time, and add the results."

Elizabeth picked up her pencil and jotted down a few words. The simpler her notes were, the easier it was to self-teach herself after school. She went back to filling in the word "Hate" on the side of the notebook page. When she was done, she started making a list of the items she would need to purchase for college. Elizabeth focused on two things in life. She either dwelled on the past and let the pain eat her from the inside out, or she dreamed of a happy future. It was the present that she physically tortured her body over.

"The derivative of 1 is zero. The derivative of X is 1, and so on. Here's the result..."

The bell finally rang saving Elizabeth from her boredom. Ms. Petrova shouted out the homework assignment as most of the class was darting into the hallway to get to their next class in four minutes. Her schedule was jam packed with difficult classes that allowed no room for error if she was going to achieve her dream of getting into Duke University. Besides Calculus, she was taking AP Senior Composition, Physics, Government, AP Spanish, Drawing and had one free study hall period which she managed to get at least half of her homework finished before going home. She had everything planned out. Duke was approximately two and a half hours from her home in Charlotte, which was far enough away from her family, but close enough that she could come home, whenever she wanted to. She was going to major in Sociology and minor in English so she could write books about people.

After her fifth period study hall, she took her lunch outside and sat on the bench across the garden from her favorite tree, a Tuscarora Crape Myrtle. From the spring to fall seasons, the Tuscarora Crape Myrtle trees bloom hundreds of coral pink flowers. Elizabeth found the color and fullness of the tree absolutely alluring. She took a bite into her crisp Fiji apple and wiped a drip of juice off her chin. It wasn't that Elizabeth didn't have friends. She had a few good friends, especially Kate Mason and Angela de Paulo. She just preferred the solitude, lately. Especially, because, she didn't want them to know how lonely and depressed she was.

CHAPTER 3

**"Do you ever just get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile, and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time, you don't know exactly what is wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting... and being alone never was. At least when you're alone no one constantly asks you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just BECAUSE. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait." Anonymous**

Elizabeth parked the white Jeep Wrangler in front of her house. Kate Mason was sitting on the front steps with her Carmel Macchiato from Starbucks. She drank one every morning and every afternoon seven days a week. Kate had some depression problems of her own, but easily over compensated by shopping and being impulsive.

"Missed you in school, betch."

"Yeah?" asked Elizabeth sitting down next to her blond, curly haired friend. "That's because we don't have any classes together."

"You were hiding again during lunch, weren't you?" Elizabeth yanked her skirt over her knees careful not to let the gauze wrap show. "Come on; tell me what's going on with you."

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"Okay, you're fine. Now tell me what's going on with you."

"I'm just stressed out, okay?" She tugged her straight brown hair into a tight pony tail.

Kate pulled out a cigarette out of her Marc Jacobs leather bag and lit it with her palm tree lighter. "Stressed out about what?" she asked as she exhaled.

"Kate, you can't smoke right now, my mom's home!" snapped Elizabeth frustrated that her friend would be so careless.

"My psychiatrist says it's therapeutic." Elizabeth looked at her friend stunned that a medical doctor would actually tell a patient to smoke. "Fine, I told her it's therapeutic. You should really take up smoking."

"I've smoked before."

"With your mom behind a frosted glass door that could open up any second?" Kate was taunting her. Elizabeth held out her hand. Kate lit the cigarette and handed it over to her friend. Elizabeth looked at it, so small between her fingers. She took a long drag and felt her body ease. How was it that something so small could take her stress away for a moment? She wondered what hurt her body worse, smoking or cutting.

"How is therapy going?" asked Elizabeth. Deep down she knew that she needed to be in therapy but she didn't have the strength to ask anyone, including her friends for help. Therapy was frowned upon in her family. She had an uncle that became severely depressed after he caught his wife cheating. Her mother had used several negative adjectives such as crazy and psychotic to describe

his depression. Elizabeth feared she would be talked about in that same way.

Kate sprawled herself on the wood porch and rested her long legs against the railing. "It's just an excuse," she answered before taking another drag off her cigarette, "to be like forever stupid and not get in trouble for it. I can stay out all night and blame it on the fact that I'm bi-polar."

"Yeah, well my parents would never understand. My mom doesn't believe in depression."

Jack Bennett pulled up in front of his house in his black Jeep Wrangler, same year and model as Elizabeth's. He pulled his backpack and his football bag out of the back of his car and started walking up the sidewalk to his house. He was still wearing his football pants and a white sleeveless undershirt.

"Look at his arms," gasped Kate. "I can't believe you're his neighbor and you never talk to him."

"Correction, he doesn't talk to me. He doesn't even know I exist."

"Hi, Jack!" shouted Kate. Jack looked up and nodded at the girls before entering his house. "See, that wasn't so hard. He nodded."

"Betch!" exclaimed Elizabeth. "We are both perfectly fine co-existing in our own separate worlds." That wasn't entirely true, Elizabeth had always known there was something special, something different about Jack Bennett. Being neighbors with Jack had given her the opportunity to see things and learn a lot about him. Elizabeth had been paying attention for years. Jack was mild mannered. He was close with his parents, he worked hard when it came to football, and he was a good friend to those he cared about.

Kate stood up. "I have to get going. Tons of homework to do. But, ummm, I know you're going through a lot so if you ever want to talk, I'm always here for you. I love you betch." She tossed Elizabeth the almost full pack of cigarettes and lighter. "Use them."

"Love you too, betch."

Elizabeth walked inside and started up the cedar stairs to her bedroom. "Beth?" she heard her mother call before she was able to make it to the top.

"Yeah, mom."

"I need you to unload and load the dishwasher." Elizabeth dropped her back pack on the stairs and headed down towards the kitchen. "And, Beth, I think last time you loaded the dishwasher you loaded it with the forks down and it's really hard for them to get really clean that way, so I need you to load them up."

"Okay, mom." Elizabeth did as she was told. Less than a month earlier she had been loading the forks face up until her mom asked her to load them face down so they would get cleaner. It was as if there were multiple people living in her mother's mind always finding ways to control Elizabeth, even if it was something she had said the opposite of before. She almost expected to find a video camera only to figure out the last eighteen years of her life were made a living hell as part of a comedy show.

Elizabeth was cursing to herself when her younger brother Colby drove his riding fire truck into Elizabeth's leg. "Fire!" he shouted enthusiastically as he squirted his fire hose up at her face. She looked back at her mom, who was laughing at the kitchen table, and wondered if Colby would suffer the same hell when he was older or if her mom would wear down and relinquish her controlling power in the next sixteen years.

"Olivia is coming home this weekend."

"Really?" asked Elizabeth stunned.

Her older sister Olivia had come home only on Christmas Vacation since going to Yale two years earlier. As a life science major hoping to become a doctor one day, she told her family that it was crucial for her to stay in New Haven, Connecticut year round. Olivia had secretly confided in her before she left, apologizing for leaving Elizabeth to deal with their mother on her own. "If I don't get out and stay out, I'm going to end up in an institution as a patient, not a doctor."

Elizabeth prayed the focus would remain on her sister this weekend. When she finished the dishes, she locked her bedroom door and took off her uniform skirt. The morning's cut on her leg had almost bled straight through the gauze again. Part of her routine of not getting caught was to never let her cuts get infected. She always made sure she properly cleaned each wound. She gradually unwrapped the gauze and attempted to gently pull the white cotton pad off her leg. The non-stick pad wasn't so non-stick friendly as the blood was now dried to it. She tugged a little harder and felt part of the drying scab come off her leg. Biting her lower lip in pain, she limped to the bathroom and put her leg up on the counter. With a washcloth and warm water, she tenderly cleaned the wound she had caused herself earlier in the day. There was something comforting about being able to take care of herself.

She pulled her memory box out from under her bed. It used to contain pictures and accessories of her growing up. Over the last year, she had stopped putting memories in the box and replaced it instead with everything she needed to hurt and fix herself. She took a cue-tip and dipped it in the bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide. The wound didn't bubble, which was a good sign no bacteria had gotten in there. After covering the deep cut with Neosporin she put another gauze pad on her thigh and wrapped the tape around to hold the pad in place. She picked up a dried carnation out of the box. It had been given to her by Jeremy Tucker, right before her first kiss the summer before seventh grade. Those were the days when everything seemed so easy.

After moving the box back in place, Elizabeth crawled in her bed, still in her white polyester school blouse. She turned on the fan on the highest speed that rested on her nightstand. The constant air flow was calming and helped with her anxiety. Before she had a chance to close her eyes, she felt he vibration of her cell phone on the comforter next to her. Without even looking to see who it was, she threw her phone against the wall and rolled over. All she wanted to do was disappear. Disappear to anywhere.

CHAPTER 4

"There's an emptiness inside her, and she'd do anything to fill it in. And though it's red blood bleeding from her now, it's more like cold, blue ice in her heart. She feels like kickin' out all the windows, and setting fire to this life -- she would change everything about it, using colors bold & bright. But all the colors mix together - to grey \- and it breaks her heart." Dave Matthews Band

Elizabeth had been dodging her friends for several days now. She had her first Calculus test the following day and wondered why any teacher would be so cruel to give a big test on a Friday, only to ruin her weekend worrying about what grade she got. Trying to explain to Angela that she needed space was somehow translated into "don't leave me alone." Angela de Paulo was on a relentless pursuit to find out what Elizabeth had been up to and why she had been so distant lately.

Just as she was entering her Calculus class, she was yanked backwards by someone pulling on her backpack. "What's up buddy?" asked Angela. The tone in her voice was of pure frustration. "You don't return texts, e-mails, phone calls, Facebook messages...shall I go on?"

"No," Elizabeth looked down. She couldn't explain why she wanted to be alone all the time. She felt like an infectious disease that would bring negativity to everyone around her if she talked to them. "You're right. I've been avoiding you." Angela looked more upset. "Not on purpose. I've just been busy."

"Busy with?" Her tone was sounding angrier now than frustrated.

"My classes are hard. I have a lot more homework than last year. My mom has been on my case..."

"Excuse me, ladies," interrupted Jack. They were blocking the door to the classroom.

"Oh, sorry," mumbled Elizabeth. She moved back and he swiftly walked past them. She looked at Angela. "I have to get in class. I have a huge Calc test tomorrow. But I promise I'll call you after school. Okay?"

"If you don't, I'm going to keep stalking you."

Elizabeth glanced in the classroom once Angela was out of sight. Beads of sweat began to form on her forehead. She gasped for a breath of air. "Not now," she whispered to herself. The figures in the classroom became blurry. Elizabeth looked down the hall and took off running for the girl's locker room. She threw her backpack on the locker room floor and paced around the shower room tugging on her hair with both hands.

"Stop!" she screamed. She fell to the floor and crawled to her backpack. Her hands trembled as she dug deep in her backpack searching for her paper scalpel. Without even thinking, she jammed the scalpel into her upper left arm. Immediately, the blood spread up and down her white blouse so rapidly it reached her shoulder and under her vest. The blood was hot and sticky and the pain began fading as the endorphins kicked in. Her inability to breath started to subside. The tremors from her panic attack receded. She carefully placed the scalpel back in her backpack and slid horizontally on the shower room floor.

When Elizabeth woke up, her mother was standing over her yelling for the nurse. She tried to sit up, but instantaneously become light headed.

"What did you do to yourself?" her mother asked furious. Elizabeth closed her eyes, turning her face from her mom. "Answer me, damn it!"

The nurse walked in the room just in time. "Mrs. Benson, I'm going to have to ask you to step outside the room while I examine your daughter."

Leighton was arguing with the nurse as she was escorted into the hallway. Elizabeth visually gave herself an exam. Her school uniform had been replaced with an old hospital gown. An IV needle was connected to the top of her right hand. She looked up to see a bag dispensing clear liquid into the IV. Her left arm was bandaged tightly. The short, stocky nurse walked back into the room and closed the door behind her.

"Your mother's been worried about you." Elizabeth wondered if the nurse actually believed that or if her mother was more concerned about what other people would think. "What did you use?"

Elizabeth looked away from the woman. "It was an accident."

"Look, I work in an emergency room. I see a lot of things. If you think you're the first girl to come in here with injuries like that, you're wrong. What happened to your arm?"

"I said it was an accident," she answered more adamant. The nurse stood there staring. Elizabeth sighed. Her mother was going to freak out on her if she found out the truth. "I got ink on my shirt and I went to the locker room to wash it off. I was trying to hurry so I wouldn't miss a lot of my Calculus class because I have a huge test tomorrow. Water wasn't working so I thought I pulled my Tide-to-Go stick out of my backpack and I must have mistaken it for my art scalpel."

"That's the truth?"

"Yes. I told you already, it was an accident."

"And your legs? Those were Tide-to-Go stick injuries, as well?"

Elizabeth's chest began pounding. Her body started trembling and she could feel herself begin to sweat even though she felt chilly. She pulled the blanket up over her head. She was scared. Scared not of what she had done but the consequences that would follow. Her mom would exaggerate her cutting into being suicidal. Elizabeth wasn't suicidal; she was trying to control her emotional pain. "I can't breathe!" screamed Elizabeth! "Leave me alone!"

The doctor came rushing in the room. Elizabeth was so far into her panic attack that she could barely make out the screams of her mother in the hallway. The doctor pushed a syringe into the IV and started asking her questions about where she was. Elizabeth couldn't focus on anything. It felt like she was choking. She thought she was going to die.

CHAPTER 5

**"When I do something great, no one ever seems to remember, but when I do something wrong, no one can ever seem to forget." Anonymous**

The drive home was unbearable. Leighton wouldn't speak a word to her daughter. Elizabeth was curled in a ball in the front seat staring out the window. It was after eight 'o'clock. They had been at the hospital for over ten and a half hours. Elizabeth was exhausted and worried about the rumors that were sure to have started around school.

"Do I have to go to school tomorrow?" she asked her mom faintly.

"Of course you do."

"But, I have a huge Calculus test that I didn't study for yet."

"You should have thought about that before you stabbed yourself with a scalpel." Elizabeth's eyes swelled with tears. "Don't start crying on me because you have to go to school tomorrow. Do you cry with you slice and dice up your own body or just when you're around me."

"The kids at school are all going to know what I did!" sobbed Elizabeth.

"You should have considered that before you jammed the blade in your arm at school. Did you think you were going to bleed on the floor all day and then get up and drive home?"

"Mom, please stop!"

"Or did you think you were going to walk into your second period class with blood all over your clothes?" Elizabeth cried harder. "You know, Beth, blood doesn't come out of clothes. Now you're down a shirt and a vest and it's your senior year, I didn't plan on having to buy you more school clothes. Your tuition alone costs your father and me a fortune and don't you think we work hard enough for you?"

"You don't even work!" Elizabeth screamed. "You make me do everything!"

"Enough," snapped Leighton. "When you get home, go straight to your room and study for that Calculus test. You're going to school tomorrow all day. And, when you get home, you're going straight to your room because you are grounded all weekend, and the weekend after that and you are grounded until I say you're not grounded anymore."

"But Olivia is coming home tomorrow!"

"Apparently you're too sick to be around normal people when you stab yourself so you are going to be alone until you can handle reality. Do you know how this reflects on our family? What am I going to say to people? What are people going to think about us?"

Elizabeth's dad greeted her at the front door with a huge hug. "I'm sorry, dad," she whispered. He nodded at her and pointed towards the stairs. Solemnly, she walked to the second floor and sat down on the top step to eavesdrop on her parent's conversation.

"Robert, they called in a Psychiatrist. That shrink probably blames me."

"He doesn't blame you," her father consoled.

Elizabeth nodded from the top of the stairs. "But, I do," she muttered to herself.

"I think we should put her in one of those places," she heard her mother say.

"Did he say that she's trying to kill herself?"

"No, he called her a cutter, a self-harmer, a self-mutilator, creepy things like that. He thinks she has a lot of stressors in her life and that's how she relives her anxiety. How insane is that? Who cuts themselves? I'm shocked there's even a term for it. I bet it's that Kate's idea. Do you know she was smoking on the front porch earlier this week with your daughter?"

"Leighton, cutting and smoking are not the same thing."

"Well, I bet they are out there drinking and having sex with god knows who," huffed Leighton.

"Let's not blow this out of proportion."

"You weren't the one at the hospital while our daughter was lying on the table bleeding to death and ...."

Elizabeth had heard enough. There were eight stitches in her arm. That was hardly considered dying. She flipped the switch to her overhead light and threw her backpack on the bed. Analyzing herself in front of the mirror she stared at her torn, blood stained shirt. She didn't even know where her vest was. The bandage was smaller than the ones she usually wrapped. Stitches stopped the bleeding a lot better than any time she superficially tried to stop it.

She walked over to her window to close her blinds. Across the driveway, at the Bennett's house, Jack was standing in the middle of his room watching her. The rope to the blinds dangled between her fingers as the two stared back and forth at each other through their open windows. Tomorrow, everyone would be staring at her, not just Jack. After all these years, she had never seen his room at night with the blinds open.

"Jack," she heard a woman's voice call. "Are you studying for that math test tomorrow? You have to get a good grade."

"I'm doing it right now."

Elizabeth closed her blinds and stared into the shield that protected her from Jack Bennett's prying eyes. She dismissed the unusual encounter and changed into a pair of grey cotton pants and tank top from Banana Republic. She opened her Calculus book and was asleep before she was even able to review the first page of her notes. She dreamed of someplace warm and sunny. She could feel the sand between her toes, the sound of water splashing all around her. She was happy. She was very happy.

The faint tapping on the window woke Elizabeth up. Her overhead light was still on. Squinting her eyes at the clock, the green glow read 1:34AM. "Elizabeth," she heard her name. Confused, she scooted over the end of her bed, and opened the blinds at the window. Jack was standing at his open window.

"I saw your light on," he said. "Were you studying for the Calc test tomorrow?"

Elizabeth rubbed her green eyes. "I fell asleep," she said pretending to be annoyed. This was the first time Jack had initiated any sort of contact that he didn't have to. "What do you want?"

"What does N exclamation point mean?" he asked over the driveway that separated their two houses.

Calculus. Of course, he needs Calculus help. "It means that N is factorial."

"Ok, but what does that mean?"

He didn't stand a chance on tomorrow's test. "It's when you multiply all the numbers less than or equal to N together."

"So what does 0 exclamation point mean?"

"Umm..." she struggled to gather her thoughts. Without studying, even she was in trouble. "It's 1. Negative numbers don't have factorials. Neither do fractional numbers. Only positive integers have factorials."

"Oh, okay, thanks," he said looking confused. "I've been at this for hours. I should have thrown marbles at your window earlier. I'm good. See ya tomorrow."

Elizabeth closed her blinds and turned off her light. Studying now wasn't going to do her any good. She was just going to have to wing the test in the morning. She rolled over on her side. Her arm throbbed. It was more sensitive than her legs. Her mom had taken away the pain pills the doctor had prescribed and told Elizabeth to live with the pain she caused herself. Elizabeth smiled. None of that mattered anymore because Jack Bennett had just spoken to her on his own free will.

CHAPTER 6

**"People only see what they are prepared to see." Ralph Waldo Emerson**

Elizabeth arrived to school a half hour before the exam and took her seat in the classroom. It felt as though her head was filled with pudding instead of Calculus. She was anxious enough about being back in school, not knowing fully what happened the previous day. She didn't want any distractions before her test. She stared at the Calculus problems trying to convince herself she was ready but found that she was reading the same problem over and over again without any solution.

Ms. Petrova walked in the classroom and set her purse and oversized crème colored shoulder bag down on her desk. "Elizabeth, you do not need to worry about the test. You are a smart girl. You are going to do well."

Elizabeth forced a smile. "I'm not so convinced Ms. Petrova. I...I missed class yesterday, I didn't get home until late and then I was so tired that I couldn't study."

"People say that Calculus is the hardest math class most students will ever take. You could have taken Pre-Calculus or Trigonometry but you accepted the challenge. One of the best ways to learn anything is to teach it to someone else." Elizabeth thought about it for a second. She didn't have the patience to teach anything to anyone. It wasn't repetition that annoyed her. It was the fact that she sometimes learned things differently than she was taught and

she was afraid of confusing people. "You could also join a study group."

"Yeah," she sighed. Talking about Calculus being the hardest class she might take was beginning to make Elizabeth very nervous. "I could think about doing that."

Ms. Petrova reached out her fragile arm and gently touched Elizabeth's hand. "If you ever need anything, even if it's not related to Calculus, you can come to me." The students began to file in the classroom silently. Elizabeth looked down pretending to concentrate on a Calculus problem. Her ears perked up and she was trying to listen for any signs of gossip going around the classroom about her. She heard nothing.

Ms. Petrova walked across the front of the room handing out the Calculus tests to the first person in each row. "Tests will be graded by lunch time," she said, "for those of you that care. It's the first test of the year. There will be room for improvement..."

Jack ran in the classroom almost knocking Ms. Petrova over.

"Nice entrance Mr. Bennett. There is an extra credit problem on the exam. You have until the end of the period to finish. If you have questions, come to my desk quietly. Begin now."

Elizabeth looked at the first question. "Find the derivative of exp( cosh( x ) ). Hint: use the chain rule." She tried to remember what the chain rule was. It was only the first question and she felt as though she may as well just turn in a blank test because she was going to fail. She glanced to her right. Jack was pulling on his braids. He looked like he was struggling just as much as she was.

Ms. Petrova walked over to Elizabeth's desk, located in the first row. "Elizabeth, do you have a question?" She shook her head. "Then get to work. You're wasting time."

Elizabeth started to let the pencil flow from memory and guessed on what she couldn't answer. She finished the final answer when the bell rang. Forty-two minutes had gone by quickly. She handed her test to Ms. Petrova and moved on to her favorite class, AP Senior Composition, where Mrs. Henderson was very easy going with the class. She would teach them a style and they could write about any topic they wanted to. Elizabeth preferred to write fiction. The idea of concocting and escaping in a fantasy world where her main character could live was very alluring to her.

Her next assignment, due next week was a five-thousand word paper on heroism. They were supposed to walk around the room and gather ideas from other students. Elizabeth, still nervous about what happened the previous day stayed seated at her desk. Jamie Johnson, the blond, curly haired, tall senior class president took a seat next to Elizabeth.

Jamie was on top of the social pyramid where only a few lucky people, like Jack Bennett were able to stand. She was popular from beginning to end with popularity beginning in sixth grade. The people who are more physically beautiful and precociously developed in middle school due to good genes, early puberty, parents who are never around and have money, were always more likely to become popular in middle school with the momentum continuing into high school. It was a known trend that people who were popular in middle school would likely remain popular, and people who were dorky were likely to remain dorky. Even late bloomers had little or no chance of climbing the social pyramid.

"Did it hurt?" she asked staring at Elizabeth with her big blue eyes.

It wasn't that Elizabeth was unpopular, per se. People liked her well enough. She got along with almost everyone in her class, the popular kids, the nerds, the stoners, the drinkers, the yuppies, etc. If you asked Elizabeth what class she fit into, she would say none of them. She didn't look at people as status symbols. Elizabeth was thin and frail. She had no hips, no curves, and wore a

32B bra size. That was being generous. Her hair was naturally wavy and brown but she typically wore it straight. It was either up or down. She was simple. She wore no other make-up than mascara. That was just who she was.

"Did what hurt?"

Jamie smiled and looked around the classroom. "Okay, as Senior Class President, I think that it's part of my job to make sure you're doing okay, you know, psychologically, so you can achieve all your high school dreams and graduate with the rest of us."

"I'm fine." Elizabeth could feel her legs start to shake.

"Look, we'd all love to believe that." There was no way that Jamie was sincere. "I'm really glad you're okay. I'd just like to ask you a favor. If you want to hurt yourself again, maybe you could do something a little less bloody or maybe off school property? Amanda Slavin found you in the locker room and she was so grossed out she passed out. I'd just hate for anything to disturb this perfect senior year."

"Jamie," whispered Elizabeth. "It was an accident. I had an ink stain on my shirt and I thought I was using my Tide-to-Go stick. It won't happen again."

Jamie shrugged her shoulders and smiled again. "Good, because I really like your papers. You're a great writer. It'd be really terrible to lose your talent."

Elizabeth tried to imagine what she looked like laying on the locker room floor. The whole school probably knew it wasn't an accident. They were probably all talking about her, about what a freak she was for cutting herself. They probably thought she was trying to commit suicide. Nobody understood what she was going through. Nobody understood how a simple cut could ease the emotional pain she felt. Nobody would ever understood how alone she was in the world.

On her way outside during lunch, she stopped in Ms. Petrova's classroom to pick up her graded Calculus test. Ms. Petrova handed Elizabeth her test. "You can do better next time if you study."

Elizabeth panicked and looked down at her test. The letter "B" was circled in red marker. "But, I got a B. That's not a bad grade."

"You can do better."

Elizabeth walked out to her lunch spot and shoved her test into her purple backpack. She was frustrated. When did a B become a negative grade? It was only the first exam of the year. Elizabeth had plenty of time to make up that grade and still get an A in Calculus.

"What's up buddy?" asked Angela taking a seat next to her friend. Kate was right next to her.

"I got a B on my Calc exam that I barely studied for and Ms. Petrova said that I could do better," she said mocking her.

"Considering everything, I think a B is alright," suggested Angela.

"Wow," Elizabeth said, offended by her friend's comment. She fired back immediately. "What did you have at the end of last year, a 3.2 Cumulative GPA? That's like a B average for three years of high school. You're not even taking Calculus. You have no idea how hard it is. I'm still going to get into Duke and graduate with honors and be something."

Angela didn't even look shocked. She pursed her lips and thought carefully before she spoke. "I'm over your attitude, Elizabitch. I know you're having a hard time, but don't take it out on me. Besides, I didn't know Duke accepted teenage body slashers."

"Okay, enough," interrupted Kate with wide eyes. She looked at Angela. "We're not judging her. We don't understand." She turned to Elizabeth. "We are not judging you. For God's sake we just don't understand! Why are you doing this to yourself?"

Elizabeth pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her head. Her friends were right, they didn't understand. "It feels good."

"How can cutting yourself possibly feel good?" Angela asked overwhelmed, confused and disgusted.

"Do you know that a national study found that like seventeen percent of students at Princeton and Cornell have cut themselves?" Elizabeth paused. "I remember the first time. I thought about it for a long time before I actually did it. I saw this movie on the Lifetime Movie Network about this girl, Dawn, and her mother was really controlling. She felt a lot of pressure and she cut herself. She burned herself when she couldn't cut herself. Her mom didn't understand, she just like yelled at her and was embarrassed about the fact that her daughter needed help. Anyway, Dawn screwed up and ended up in the hospital. It just didn't seem like what she was doing was so bad and I thought it could help me. So, after I cut myself the first time and it helped alleviate my stress, I promised myself that I wouldn't do anything to seriously injure myself. It's all under control. It feels good."

"You stabbed yourself!" shouted Angela. "You were taken to the hospital by ambulance! How is that possibly under control?"

"Keep it down," pleaded Kate. "People might hear us. Is this like some sort of addiction?"

"No. The psychiatrist at the hospital said that it's my way of coping, that it's not problematic. You guys just don't understand. I'm not psychotic or sick. It just helps me face stressful situations in my life. Until I learn other coping skills, it's fine."

"Are you going to continue to see the psychiatrist?" Angela asked.

"No, my mom says someone might find out that I am crazy." Elizabeth wondered if she really needed a doctor to talk to or if what she was feeling inside wasn't so different than other kids.

CHAPTER 7

"Crazy isn't broken. It's just you ... or me ... amplified." Girl Interrupted

"Hello?" called Elizabeth after walking through the front door.

"We're in here!" her sister Olivia called back. Elizabeth walked into the living room where her mom had pulled out her fine china for afternoon tea. Olivia stood up and squeezed her younger sister in excitement. "You look great, Liz! Mom made it sound like you were a pale ghost from all the blood you lost."

"It was just a few drops," mumbled Elizabeth frustrated that her mom had already given her skewed version of the story to Olivia. Elizabeth was hoping to be able to talk to her sister about it before her mom could get to her.

"Well, if you would wear a little blush or some bronzer then it would look like you had a little color in your cheeks."

"Mom, come on," urged Olivia sitting down on the couch. Her older sister was a few inches taller. She was lean but had curves, like Leighton. Her green eyes sparkled, even in a rain storm. "Liz, do you want some tea?"

"Yes, please," she answered. The last thing she wanted to do was be anywhere where her mom could criticize her. Olivia was in town. It was something she would have to endure.

Leighton poured a cup of tea. Elizabeth sat on the floor next to the coffee table holding her teacup. "How's school Liv?"

"It's really good. I like all my classes and ... "

"Elizabeth, put your cup on the table."

"Mom, it's fine, I'm not going to drop it."

"I can't trust you anymore. You'll probably try to drop the hot tea on your legs to burn yourself," her mother shuddered. "Last night your father and I had to stay up to Elizabeth proof this house. Then I had to finish alone today what we didn't get done last night. You would think we would be toddler proofing because of Colby, but instead we have to hide all sharp objects from our eighteen year old daughter."

Elizabeth set her tea down on the coffee table, stood up and slowly walked out of the living room. "Mom, she's obviously under a great deal of pressure and she needs our help not our opinions right now," she heard Olivia say as she picked up her backpack and climbed the stairs to hide in her room. She walked into her room to find that every drawer in her desk had been dumped on the floor; every nightstand drawer was dumped on her bed. Her clothes were taken out of her drawers and closet and left on the floor. She stood in the middle of her room and turned in circles assessing what her mother had done. Everything was gone, scissors, rulers, her old Geometry compass, her Swiss Army knife and her memory box with all her wound supplies. She picked up her pillow. Her muffled screams couldn't be heard beyond her room.

Suddenly, Elizabeth charged for her door. The razor blade was in the tampon box. Her mother wouldn't have looked there. When her hand touched the handle, she realized she had to be patient. She had no Band Aids, no gauze pads, no gauze tape, and no Neosporin to stop the bleeding. Her mom would know she was upset and would most likely listen for Elizabeth's reaction. She quickly picked up a Lladro off one of her shelves and smacked it against her upper right arm. She bit her lip as the pain seared down to her fingers.

Elizabeth got on top of her bed still holding her arm. Hitting herself didn't have the same endorphin release as cutting did. She buried her head under the pillow and screamed into her mattress. She kicked her legs, punched the mattress with both fists and screamed over and over again. Eventually, the screaming turned into crying until her body was so physically exhausted, she fell asleep.

It was dark by the time she woke up. "Elizabeth," she heard Leighton call. She pulled the pillow off her head and looked at the doorway. Her room was completely dark. She could barely make out the silhouette of her mother standing in the bright hallway with her tired, puffy eyes. "We're going to dinner now."

Elizabeth had forgotten that they always went to Olivia's favorite restaurant when she came into town. "I'll be ready in five minutes."

"Actually," her mother said seriously. "You're still grounded and your father and I think it would be good for us spend time with Olivia without any distractions. She didn't come home to have her sister's mental problems take over her weekend."

Elizabeth grabbed her comforter with her right hand and squeezed as hard as she could. Somehow, someway, she almost thought that her mother would embrace her or stop being so hard on her. It was obvious now, that her mother was distancing herself from her second, less perfect daughter.

"I ordered you a pizza. Eat it while it's hot. After our dinner, we're going to drop Colby off at your Uncle Jeff's house and then catch a late movie and then maybe a drink or dessert. We'll be home late. You are not to leave this house or have anyone over, do you understand? You're grounded."

Elizabeth was hurt and confused about why she was not babysitting Colby. "Mom, Uncle Jeff is a stoner. What if he gets high and forgets about Colby?"

"You're a cutter. What if you cut too deep and pass out again? I think I'll take my chances with Uncle Jeff." Her mother flipped on the bedroom light. "Get up and take off your clothes."

"What?" Elizabeth was scared.

"The doctor said to search you for new...you know..."

"I didn't do anything else," cried Elizabeth. She pulled her sweater and blouse over her head together and unzipped her plaid uniform skirt, leaving her socks, and heart patterned panties and bra on. She lifted up her arms and spun in a slow circle so her mom could get a look at her small frame.

"Why is your arm red?" questioned Leighton.

"I don't know. I didn't do anything to it."

"Spend this time to yourself thinking about what you've done and how you've hurt this family." Her mother closed the bedroom door behind her.

Elizabeth pulled on a pair of rainbow colored pajama pants and a red tank top. She pulled her hair in two buns, one on each side and put on flip-flops. She removed the screen from her window and hung out until she could see her parents black Audi Q5 pull out of the driveway and out of sight. When they were at a safe distance, she grabbed her purse and ran out of the house to her car. She had to replenish her supplies and fast.

CHAPTER 8

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." Anais Nin

Elizabeth sat on the back porch eating her pizza, drinking a Coke, and trying to pry the metal piece out of the pencil sharpener. After her mom had inspected her body, she figured if she was smarter about where she cut, and used an everyday object that her mom wouldn't think of as a cutting tool, she could get away with it. Her parents wouldn't be home for a few more hours. The fork that she was using to remove the metal from the pencil sharpener wasn't working, well. Every other possible tool had been hidden and Elizabeth didn't have the patience to search for them. She lit one of the cigarettes that Kate had given her and kept working.

"Hey," she heard a familiar voice and looked up to find Jack Bennett standing at the bottom of the steps. Elizabeth shifted into Indian Style position and dropped the pencil sharpener between her legs. She exhaled and waved her arm trying to move the smoke around. "It doesn't bother me. My mom smokes," he said taking a seat next to her. "What are you doing out here?"

"Umm...I'm just hanging out. I didn't feel like being inside."

Jack smiled. "You're chain smoking."

"Yeah...I guess," laughed Elizabeth quietly.

"I never figured you for a smoker. I've never actually seen you smoke before."

"Yeah," she sighed, "new habit. And, you've never really talked to me before."

Jack shrugged his shoulders. "Really? I don't know why."

Elizabeth looked into his dark brown eyes. How could he pretend to not notice he never spoke to her? "Well, I used to try to talk to you."

"You did?" he asked confused.

"Yeah," she answered. "But you would like either ignore me or make a rude comment and I could never tell if you were serious or not so I just stopped talking to you."

"I don't remember that at all." He sounded sincere.

"It was like a long time ago, like second grade or something." Talking to Jack Bennett was easier then Elizabeth had ever thought. For a popular, good looking, amazing athlete, he actually seemed down to earth. His brown eyes glistened under the porch light. He was wearing sweat pants and a tight Charlotte Academy t-shirt with Adidas sandals. "So, what are you doing out here on a Friday night. Don't you have a party to go to or something?"

"What makes you think I go to parties?"

"You're popular," she blurted out.

"Do you ever feel like sometimes you're stuck between the person that people think you are and the person you want to be?" Elizabeth nodded. "I don't think I'm popular. I'm just a guy. I like sports. I like to laugh. I have dreams and goals just like everyone else."

"But people like you."

"I don't make them. It's just the hand I was dealt. It's football season. My popularity always goes up during football season. Besides, people like you, too."

"You don't." The minute the words came out of Elizabeth's mouth she wanted to take them back. She was sitting on the back porch with Jack Bennett who had not set foot in her yard in over thirteen years and she was criticizing him for the second time in less than five minutes.

"I never disliked you. We just didn't talk for whatever reason. I really don't know why. It wasn't intentional or personal. It was just our relationship. I've never said anything bad or thought anything bad about you. The truth is I probably wouldn't be at a party right now. There's always a party after football games but we have practice on Saturday mornings. I usually go out to dinner with the guys and then come home. Saturday nights are different. But, I'm grounded and by the way, thank you for helping me last night. I didn't mean to wake you up. I just saw your light on and I was really struggling."

"Oh, I didn't mind," smiled Elizabeth. She could think of a hundred negative reasons to be woken up in the middle of the night and Jack Bennett was not one of them. "So, what did you do to get grounded?"

"I got a C minus on the Calc exam."

"Oh."

"I'm not stupid, you know," Jack said defensively. "I'm just not as smart as my parents and my brother and sister. I shouldn't be in Calculus but my mamma insisted and I'm so screwed. I need good grades to get into a Division one school and I'm not going to settle for D two or three because of my grades."

"You get good grades. You'll get into a good school."

"I have a 3.0. If I don't pull a B in all my classes my GPA's gonna drop."

Elizabeth remembered what Ms. Petrova had told her earlier in the day. Was it a sign? What if Elizabeth was supposed to help Jack Bennett in Calculus? Did Ms. Petrova have psychic powers? "You know...Ms. Petrova told me today that Calculus is probably the hardest math class most students will ever take."

"Really?" asked Jack surprised. "Why are you hanging out with her?"

Elizabeth could see the sparkle in his eyes come back. "I'm not. She just happened to say that to me. She also said that one of the best ways to learn is to teach someone else. So, maybe, if you want, I could help you and you could help me. I think Calculus is hard and I know we both need good grades to end up where we want to be next year." Jack thought about Elizabeth's offer. She cleared her throat. "Nobody would have to know."

"I don't care about what anyone knows or thinks. I just don't understand why you would do this for me."

"I'm doing this for me, too."

"My dad's a dentist," said Jack. "My mom's a doctor. My sister, Trina, is in dental school and my brother, Jaden, is getting his Ph.D. in Biology. I just want to play football without looking more stupid than I already do. I go to a preppy school full of white kids. I already look stupid."

"Nobody thinks you're stupid or that you look stupid, Jack."

"If you don't mind I could really use the help."

Elizabeth nodded. "I don't mind at all."

Jack smiled. "Alright, so why are you grounded? I can't picture you doing anything wrong." Elizabeth looked down and bit her lower lip. She was wearing a tank top. There was no way Jack could miss the white gauze bandage wrapped around her left arm. He had surely heard one of the many rumors that were going around school. After all, even if he didn't think he was popular, he was friends with the popular kids, including Jamie Johnson. Certainly, she had something to say during lunch or in the hallway. "Does it hurt?" he asked tenderly.

Elizabeth Benson locked eyes with Jack Bennett for the first time ever. There was something about him that she had never seen before. His eyes were filled with kindness, selflessness, and something she couldn't explain. She could see right through his eyes into his soul. He had no idea of what he was sharing with her. He was communicating with her in a way that couldn't be expressed in mere words. She had only known him for less than an hour but it felt as though he had been her best friend for a lifetime. Explanations to unanswered questions about his fears of failure were revealed. Tiny gaps about his future goals were filled in. Sincere apologies for ignoring Elizabeth for so many years were suddenly accepted and a longing for a friend that understood him without judgment was felt. At that very moment, Elizabeth realized that Jack Bennett was going to change the world someday. It was absolutely inevitable.

Elizabeth wanted to talk about what she had done. Lighting another cigarette she finally confessed. "It hurts."

"Why did you do it?"

Elizabeth shrugged her shoulders. She didn't have an answer that would sound rational. "I guess sometimes I just feel really stressed out and overwhelmed and I'm not sure how to handle it so I..." she paused trying to sound as normal as possible, "It just helps relieve some of the stress so I feel better."

"Can I see what you hid when I walked up?" Elizabeth inhaled her cigarette as deep as she could and slowly exhaled grabbing the pencil sharpener. She reached over with her hand still closed but couldn't find the courage to show him what was in her hand. He gently opened her fingers one by one until he was able to pull out the pencil sharpener. "Are you trying to get the blade out?"

"I...I...I'm not going to do anything with it, it's just like in case of an emergency. I want the option to know that I can...if I want to."

"Did your mom hide everything?" She nodded. Jack pulled his keys out of the pocket in his sweat pants. Less than a minute later, he had successfully separated the blade from the plastic using the tiny pocket knife attached to the key chain. He handed both pieces to Elizabeth. "Be careful with those."

"I will." She smiled.

"How about we help each other out another way?"

"Instead of Calculus?"

Jack shook his head. "I mean in addition to Calculus. I sometimes like to drink and smoke every once in a while." Elizabeth handed Jack the pack of cigarettes. He laughed. "Not that kind of smoking."

"Oh," her eyes got wide. "I don't understand how I can help you?"

"Well, we both have stressors and don't use the best judgment when it comes to dealing with it. How about when we get stressed out we can talk to each other instead of doing what we normally do. We won't judge each other about the way we feel or the things we do. We can't get mad at each other for reverting back to our old ways. I just think that neither of us have anyone to talk to about certain things and our new friendship could work out in ways we never imagined before."

"We're friends?" Elizabeth asked surprised.

"Very funny Rainbow Brite," laughed Jack. "No cutting tonight, okay?" Elizabeth nodded. "Promise?" he asked looking very serious. Elizabeth wanted to promise him that she wouldn't cut herself but it was hard. A few hours ago her whole body was in agony. Her family went out with her sister and didn't include her. Her mom accused her of being a distraction and taking the attention away from her sister. For the first time ever, her parents didn't trust her to babysit Colby. The entire school thought she tried to commit suicide at. And, even though she didn't want to admit it, she was upset that she got a B on her Calculus exam.

"I promise," she said quietly.

"Jack?" his mother, Latasha Bennett called from the front door of his house.

"I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow." Jack darted down the stairs and around the corner.

Elizabeth cleaned up her plate, glass, cigarettes, pencil sharpener and went up to her room. Lifting the corner of her desk, she hid the blade under the leg. Her mom never moved her furniture. She smiled at her genius idea. Grabbing the remote, she turned on her thirty-inch flat screen television and flipped through all the channels. She wasn't sure when or how her friendship with Jack Bennett had come to be after thirteen years of silence. Deep inside, her conversation with him felt so right, it almost was wrong to think about. She went to bed feeling reassured and confident that there was someone out there, someone that actually understood her.

CHAPTER 9

"You have to laugh at yourself, because if you didn't, you'd cry your eyes out." Emily Dickinson

Elizabeth rolled over to check the time. If it hadn't been for the fan blowing her hair in her face, she would still be happily dreaming. Elizabeth closed her eyes again, reached for her teddy bear and rolled away from the window. She was almost asleep when she heard knocking on her bedroom door.

"Beth," she heard her mother call. "Open this door immediately. You know you're not allowed to lock it."

Elizabeth opened the door with droopy, tired eyes. "You never said I couldn't lock my door. I've been locking it for years."

"Well, the rules are changing around here. Take off your clothes."

"That's ridiculous!" said Elizabeth frustrated. "You just searched me last night. I haven't done anything else. I promise."

"This doesn't bring me pleasure, Beth. Take it off."

"My name is Elizabeth," she said frustrated. She pulled her tank top over her head and her rainbow colored pajama pants down around her ankles. Her mom walked around her touching every scar on her body. Leighton even tugged on the bandage on her arm to make sure Elizabeth hadn't cut again and then recovered it. Her

body inspections were beyond humiliating. Elizabeth looked down, noticing that her pants were covering her ankles and feet. Her mom would never notice if she cut herself there.

"I named you. I can call you whatever I want. There are going to be some rule changes. Get dressed and come downstairs for breakfast. We are having a family meeting to end all this."

Elizabeth stomped down the stairs and took her seat at the kitchen table. "Here's some pancakes, Elizabeth," Robert Bennett said as he handed his daughter a plate with four pancakes on it. "They're banana, your favorite."

"Thank you," she said forcing a smile. Her father hadn't made her banana pancakes since she was about six years old.

"Mom wants us in the family room so we can watch Colby," said Olivia half smiling. Elizabeth couldn't tell if she was being cocky or sincere. She grabbed her plate of pancakes and glass of milk, walked into the family room and took a seat on the black leather couch.

"So, we had a long talk with the Psychiatrist that examined you the other day," started her mother. Leighton gently wrapped her long brown hair behind her ears, revealing her two carat diamond earrings. She had the most beautiful jewelry. "I listened to everything he said, although, it's not something I want to believe. He said that the teenage years are critical in a child's life and it's also when children can develop a rebellious behavior especially when their needs are not met and they lack the necessary support and understanding from their parents. I refuse to let you blame your father and me for your behavior. We obviously raised one daughter that turned out just fine."

"Elizabeth, we know you're a good kid," Robert said with sadness. Elizabeth could tell this was hard on him. "A rebel is not what we want you to become. We don't want you to continue this habit of hurting yourself. Teenage cutting is more of a common problem than we ever realized or knew about. But while this may be true, you endangered your life on Thursday and we are not going to sit back and do nothing about it."

"Beth, you suffer from a delusional case of deliberate harm syndrome."

"Why is it delusional, mom?" she questioned angrily.

"Because you're under the delusion that it actually helps you when it doesn't." Leighton was already yelling.

"Leighton, please don't criticize," her dad pleaded. "Honey, you're a cutter. The term is general. It refers to teenagers, children or adults who cut or hurt themselves in various ways. Have you ever burned yourself or pulled your hair or hit yourself or your head?"

"No," she lied thinking back to her Lladro. That was the first time the pain didn't result to relief. She had learned through the years it was better to remain quiet during family meetings.

Robert started speaking again. "It leads to more severe things like breaking bones or anything more permanent that causes more and more pain. You think it's under control now but the addiction only grows. Eventually, the minor cuts won't help you anymore and it will get more extreme."

Then, Leighton continued. "Beth, it's an addiction that starts with minor cuts that can heal quickly to deep wounds that can leave permanent scars, and it is deliberate self-harm syndrome. We know you feel ashamed and guilty about what you're doing. You may think that you have your reasons for doing this like it makes you feel more alive or that have no sense of control in your life or it's a result of the stress and anxiety that you're experiencing. But, let me tell you, you are not going to put this on me. This is your problem, not mine."

"I know it's my problem," said Elizabeth feeling defeated. "That's just it, it's my problem. And, it's really not a problem. I just had an accident on Thursday. It won't happen again."

"Damn straight it won't," her mother said sternly. "No more locking your bedroom door. No more hiding in your room unless you're doing homework. There's going to be random body searches, family dinners every night, and, you are going to tell us every detail about your life. You better get used to living in a prison."

"Fine," she agreed because she didn't want to argue. This new arrangement wouldn't last very long, Elizabeth was sure of it. Self-injury releases tension, both physiological and psychological, very quickly. It can turn a state of overwhelm into a state of relative calm almost immediately, reducing panic to simply feeling bad. Elizabeth had no intention of stopping. She would figure a way. She glanced over at Olivia and wondered what she was thinking about all of this.

The doorbell rang and Leighton got up to answer the door. "Elizabeth." Elizabeth looked at her sister and father for permission to leave the family room.

"I think we're done for now," Robert said.

Jack Bennett was waiting on the front porch sitting on the railing when Elizabeth walked outside. "Two days in a row?" she asked confused but happy.

"Nothing's changed," he smiled. "I'm still grounded and you're still dressed like Rainbow Brite."

"I just got up," she defended feeling slightly embarrassed. "Why are you dressed and normal so early?"

"Football practice."

"Oh yeah," she sighed. "I forgot about that. What are you doing over here?"

"UNC is playing FSU at 3:30." Elizabeth shrugged her shoulders. "Wow. You really know nothing about sports. Okay, umm, the University of North Carolina is playing Florida State at 3:30 today. It's football Saturday."

"So...you're watching the game?"

Jack laughed. "I watch every Saturday. Don't you ever watch football?" She shook her head. "So, does your grounding mean you have to stay in the house all the time or can you come outside?"

"I'm not sure. I've never been grounded before. I guess I could ask my..."

"In the thirteen years we've lived in this house, that black boy has never come over here, not once," Elizabeth and Jack could hear her mom through the open window. Elizabeth was so humiliated she could hardly breathe. She wasn't a racist. Neither was her family.

"Jack...I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I've never heard her say anything like that before, ever."

"Look, when you're not white, you just grow up with a different set of expectations. It's really okay. She's not the first woman to think that and she won't be the last either."

"Jack," Elizabeth grabbed his arm. "I don't look at the world in black versus white. I look at people as people. I don't care about the color of anyone's skin. I care about what's on the inside."

"That's good," he smiled. "But, I know not everyone is capable of that. Don't change, okay? You're special."

Elizabeth blushed. It was the first time he complimented her. "I'm sure my parents are going out with Olivia tonight, again. And, I'm also sure they're not going to let me watch Colby, so no, I'm not confined to my house."

"Good, I'll meet you outside at eight then." Jack started walking back to his house.

"Wait," Elizabeth called after him. "What happens at eight?"

Jack smiled. "It's dark."

CHAPTER 10

"One sad thing about this world is that the acts that take the most out of you are usually the ones other people will never know about." Anne Tyler

Elizabeth was thankful her parents had a late reservation. She was almost worried they were never going to leave. Finally, at seven-thirty, they piled into the car to drop Colby off once again at Uncle Jeff's house before headed out to dinner and a late concert downtown at a park. She put on a purple Duke University hooded sweatshirt and black yoga pants and headed out the back door.

Jack was already waiting in the backyard with a blanket set out on the grass. He had two pillows on the blanket and two more blankets in his hands. Elizabeth smiled. She had boyfriends before. Not anyone significant enough to say she really cared about any of them, but this was one of the sweetest things any boy had ever done for her and she hadn't even figured what it was all about, yet.

"Are you a dreamer?" he called out as she walked towards him.

"Sure, dreams make life tolerable."

"You got that from the movie Rudy," he laughed. "And, here I didn't think you knew anything about football."

Elizabeth smiled. "It's my favorite movie because it's about having dreams and not giving up on them. You don't need to know anything about football to be inspired."

Jack pointed to the blanket. "There's supposed to be shooting stars out tonight."

"Seriously?" asked Elizabeth laying down on the blanket and pillow. "I've never seen one before." Jack covered her with one of the fleece blankets in his before lying down next to her. His kindness gave her butterflies. "I never took you for a stars kind of guy."

"I don't know if it's cool or not but what else am I gonna do right now? I'm sick of being grounded. There are lots of things you don't know about me."

Elizabeth laughed. "Like why you need to wear a UNC football jersey while watching the game at home by yourself?"

"This jersey is legend! It's signed by Willie Parker!"

"I don't know who he is."

"Fast Willie Parker is a running back in the NFL. He played for the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Washington Red Skins. He went to UNC. The Steelers are my team."

"I thought UNC was your team?" asked Elizabeth confused.

Jack laughed. "I have a lot to teach you. We live in North Carolina. Of course I'm a Tar Heel fan. I wanna go there and play for Butch Davis. He's been an NFL coach. It doesn't get much better than that."

"You're going to Chapel Hill?"

"It's a great option for me. The program isn't excellent and I haven't committed yet. I can't see that I'll get an opportunity to play for a better team."

"I can't believe you could be in Chapel Hill." The possibilities were endless. That was less than fifteen miles from Durham, where Duke was located.

"What's with Chapel Hill?"

"Nothing it's really nice," she smiled.

"You're going to Carolina?"

"No, I mean I haven't gotten in anywhere yet but I sent out one application two weeks ago to Duke. I don't really have a backup plan. Duke is really where I want to go."

Jack started laughing. "For thirteen years you ignored me, now we're friends, and you're following me to college in practically the same city so you can watch me play football?"

"I'm not following you! You ignored me for thirteen years!

Jack propped up on his side. "Do you think your mom was serious?"

"About you being black?"

"No, about that I never came over when you guys moved in? Surely, if there were kids moving next door I would have been curious." Elizabeth shook her head and they both started laughing.

Everything happened for a reason. Now, they were friends for a reason. It was supposed to happen this way. For the second night in a row, Elizabeth was having fun. She couldn't remember the last time she smiled so much. "Can we talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" she asked looking up at the clear sky. The night couldn't be more perfect. "Oh my god Jack!" she shouted pointing up at the sky. "There's one!"

"Make a wish!" he shouted. Elizabeth knew immediately what she was going to wish for. She closed her eyes and wished that Jack Bennett would be in her life forever. He grabbed her hand in his and held it tight. "Will you please tell me?"

Elizabeth was taken aback by his sudden gesture. Was this more than just a friendship? "What do you want me to tell you?"

"I want to understand more of why you do what you do."

"Oh," she mumbled pulling her hand away from his. "Why?"

He grabbed her hand again. "Don't be afraid to let me in. I think you're really nice and I want to know everything there is to know about you. Look, whatever you tell me, it's not going to change the way I feel about you or about this friendship. I'm a good listener and I won't repeat anything you say to anyone."

Elizabeth turned to face Jack. For some reason, she wasn't afraid to be honest with him. "Well, I learned today from my parents that cutting, self-injury or self-mutilation is used as a form of manipulating a mood or emotional state by inflicting physical harm. Most people who do this cut themselves, like I do, but some also burn, scratch, bite, or hit themselves, especially their head. It's a form of communicating feelings that a person doesn't feel they can express any other way."

"Is that what happens to you? You can't communicate."

She nodded. "For me, cutting releases tension very quickly. Like when I feel overwhelmed if I cut myself I can get calm almost immediately because of the endorphins. It's like any destructive behavior like drinking, eating disorders or drugs. It doesn't mean I'm crazy, or that I'm trying to kill myself."

"What you're saying makes sense."

Talking to Jack was relatively easy. Telling him wasn't as hard as telling Angela and Kate and she had no idea why. Maybe it was because he approached it in a non-judgmental or threatening way. He didn't tell her she was wrong, or stupid, or crazy. He simply wanted to understand why she did what she did.

"Did you cut today?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "My mom is now conducting routine body checks."

"Wow," said Jack shocked. "Does that make you mad?"

"Right now, I don't feel bad, so it's hard to say. Do I think she's controlling and trying to take over my life? Absolutely. Do I think she invades my privacy? Absolutely. Do I think she's doing what she thinks she should be doing? Maybe. **People always say you should be 'yourself', like yourself is this definite, clear thing. Yeah right! Like you know what it is or how to be it."**

**"You're really good with your words, Elizabeth."**

**"I just read a lot." She sighed. "I wish I could be sure of the things I say, like people who write quotes. I usually pick a quote of the day. I don't know why. It's kind of weird."**

**"I like quotes," said Jack.**

**"You do?"**

**"Yeah. Quotes get you through the days when nobody else understands what you're going through." Elizabeth froze. She felt like her body had been kidnapped and placed on a different planet that looked like her own. Who was Jack Bennett? He wasn't just some popular, gorgeous jock. He was smart. He was kind, patient and understanding. He didn't make fun of anything she did. And, he liked quotes. "I think we might have a lot in common, Elizabeth Benson."**

**"You can't say stuff like that," she warned. "One day, I just might fall in love with you."**

**Jack smiled. "Doubtful," he smirked. "I don't think a girl like you would fall in love with a guy like me. Besides, guys and girls can't be just friends."**

**"Yes they can," Elizabeth said shocked. "Of course they can."**

**"No, they can't. At one point or another, maybe for a moment, or a month, or a lifetime, one or both of them will fall for the other. And, it almost certainly will never work out."**

**"Wow, Jack the love skeptic."**

**"I don't believe that friends should ever get mixed up in all that complicated romance stuff but it always happens. The friendships never last."**

**"What if I can prove you wrong?" Elizabeth said determined.**

**"How are you going to do that?"**

**"I'm going to prove to you that guys and girls can be just friends."**

**Jack stared at her for a moment. "Is that what you want?"**

**"I want you not to doubt your friendships with girls. I want you to not fear that when you are good friends with a girl that they are doing it for some ulterior motive or hidden agenda."**

**"Alright, Elizabeth. It's a deal."**

**Elizabeth rolled onto her back to look at the stars again. All of a sudden she got a nauseous feeling in her stomach. Jack Bennett was absolute perfection in her eyes. How could she possibly lay there and tell him she could prove to him that guys and girls could be just friends? It was like taking everything she might want and throwing it away forever.**

**CHAPTER 11**

**"See, you and me have a better time than most can dream of." Dave Matthews Band **

It had been a week and a day, since Elizabeth had cut herself last. It wasn't that the tension in her life was suddenly easing up; it was that Elizabeth had found the future to look forward to instead of how bleak the present was. Her mother was still conducting body checks twice a day, once when she woke up and once when she got home from school. She spent every afternoon doing homework.

Family dinners were mostly quiet for Elizabeth. Every dinner started with her father asking the same question. "What did you do today?"

Elizabeth would share her day in three minutes and spend the rest of dinner in silence picking at her food. For the last three nights, after dinner, she would walk over to Jack's house and they would study Calculus together. He was grounded until the following Friday when Ms. Petrova was giving the second test of the year.

Elizabeth picked at her dry chicken, ate her rice with steamed broccoli and moved her peas around her plate. Peas were the most boring and useless vegetable and every food associated with them she found to be repulsive.

"Beth, why aren't you eating your peas?" Leighton asked. "Are you developing an eating disorder now?"

"An eating disorder?" Elizabeth was confused. She had eaten half her dinner. "No, I just don't like peas."

"And your chicken?"

Elizabeth could feel the muscles in her neck getting tighter. Did she have to scrape the food off her plate every night for her mom to leave her alone? She had no more privacy. She wasn't allowed to close her bedroom door unless she was sleeping. She wasn't allowed to lock her door. She wasn't allowed to talk on the phone in her room or take walks around the neighborhood. She wasn't allowed to go out with her friends or drive to the store without one of her parents accompanying her. She was a virtual prisoner.

"The chicken sucks," she said before she could control herself. "It's dry and impossible to swallow. You think you're a good cook, but you're not."

"Chicken sucks," repeated Colby throwing pieces of chicken off his plate.

Leighton pursed her lips. "Apologize."

"No," snapped Elizabeth. She knew she was rude but she wasn't about to apologize. Everything she did, Leighton twisted into some colossal problem and Elizabeth was growing tired of defending herself all the time.

"You're excused," her mother said sternly. "You're not going next door tonight."

Elizabeth looked to her father for support. Per usual, he was eating his food trying to stay out of it. Sometimes, Elizabeth wondered if he actually had an opinion at all.

"Yes, I am. We're studying for calculus, every night. So get used to it. I'm going and you can't stop me. I made a promise."

Leighton looked to Robert for support, but once again he was silent. "Robert," she snapped. "Say something."

"I think it's good they're studying. Calculus is an awfully hard class, especially for high schoolers to take."

Elizabeth smiled. "Thank you."

"Are you sleeping with this boy?" Elizabeth's jaw dropped. "Oh, God, you are," her mother started breathing heavily. "What if you get pregnant? What would we do? What would people say? A baby...you'd have to get married."

"Leighton, stop. You're worrying over nothing."

"Mom, we're just friends," said Elizabeth wondering why her mother was going on a rant.

"Casual sex. That's even worse. Oh, the baby would be half black. You couldn't marry him. My mother would roll over in her grave if you married a black boy. People would talk. Is he even Catholic? What if he's Buddhist? Or worse, what if he doesn't believe in God? What if he's in a gang and you get divorced and he comes over with his posse to kidnap his son? You'd have to have an abortion. You can't, we're Catholic. Adoption maybe?"

Leighton was still talking when Elizabeth grabbed her backpack and headed outside. Her mother was absolutely crazy. How did an argument about studying turn into a conversation about sex, marriage, racism, divorce, gangs, and pregnancy? Elizabeth set her backpack against the side of the house and took a seat right next to it. She would be safely inside Jack's house before her mom even knew she was missing.

Elizabeth lit and slowly inhaled the Parliament cigarette. Over the last week, she almost thought her mind concentrated best when all outside stimuli was excluded. Smoking provided a shield that helped her to shut out distractions. Kate was right. Even though she was trading one bad habit for another, it seemed as though smoking was the better option in terms of hurting her body at this point. And, more than anything, it was temporary. It gave her hands something to do, other than cut herself. A cigarette was consoling. Anxiety was depressing not only psychologically but also physiologically.

Elizabeth saw Jack's front door open. Latasha Bennett stepped outside and lit a cigarette. Elizabeth had never seen her smoke in all the years they were neighbors. Latasha looked over at her sitting against the side of her house and waived at her.

"Are you and Jack studying tonight?" she called over.

"Yeah," she answered putting her cigarette out in the grass. She didn't want Mrs. Bennett to see her or think any less of her.

"Well, come on over. Don't sit out here by yourself." Elizabeth smiled, walked across the driveway and up the front steps to the Bennett house. "I saw you with that smoke. You didn't have to put it out because of me." Mrs. Bennett sat down on the top step. Elizabeth hesitated for a moment before sitting down next to her. "Do you need one?"

"What?"

"You can have one of mine," she offered.

"Thanks. I have some." Elizabeth pulled another cigarette out of her backpack. Mrs. Bennett held up her lighter and lit the cigarette. She smiled at the thought of being rebellious with an adult.

"So, what's your addiction? Taste? Smell? Habit? Or you just think it's cool?"

Elizabeth thought about it for a moment. She didn't like the taste or the smell. It really wasn't a habit, it was a relaxation technique. "I just started smoking actually. I don't do it all the time. Just when...it's complicated."

"Honey, everything in life is complicated at one time or another. I just enjoy it. Although, I might not enjoy it as much now that Jack and my husband said I have to smoke outside. It is nice out here. The covered porch is nice when it rains. But, it won't be so kind in the cold of winter."

Elizabeth smiled. "I know what you mean."

"Do your parents know you smoke?"

"Absolutely not. They would kill me." She shuddered to think what her parents would do if they found out about her latest form of rebellion. They tension in the house over her cutting was already high enough. Her mother was now accusing her of being anorexic and pregnant. She wondered if she told her mom she was on drugs, pregnant with an eating disorder and then said she smoked occasionally if the smoking part would get over looked.

"I won't tell them if you promise me one thing," said Mrs. Bennett. Elizabeth nodded. "If you see me out her smoking, come over and join me. It's peaceful alone but sometimes a little company is good."

"Yeah," she agreed. Did Latasha know about what happened at school? What if the rumors had spread to the parents and she was just being nice because she thought Elizabeth was crazy?

The front door opened. "I didn't know you were out here," Jack said. "You're smoking together? You both need to quit that shit."

"You need to toughen up Jack," Latasha said to her son lighting another cigarette. "I'm outside like you wanted. Now mind your business and start studying. You need a good grade in Calculus."

Elizabeth was taken aback by Mrs. Bennett telling her son to toughen up. She wondered what she meant by that. Maybe Jack's relationship with his mother wasn't as normal as Elizabeth wanted to believe. Maybe she wasn't the only one out there who didn't have the best relationship with her mother. Elizabeth followed Jack down to the basement where they studied every night. They took their respective seats on the red suede couch.

"I hate this derivative stuff," Jack said. "I get it, but I don't. The rate of change, the average rate of change, the instantaneous rate of change, and then the derivative. Is this stuff necessary for college anyway?"

"I don't think it's necessary for Sociology majors," laughed Elizabeth.

"Or sports majors. And, what's with all the graphs now? I'm never going to pass this class."

"Yes, you are," encouraged Elizabeth. "Jack, you're smart. You just give up on yourself too quickly."

Jack looked at Elizabeth. "You're right, let's get at this so I can get some sleep. We have a big game tomorrow night."

"Okay, so the relationship expressed in the form of a mathematical function defines a situation for a given set of conditions and properties. Since the independent dimension changed, it was no longer a fixed quantity but became a variable. The graph of the function in the middle of the page reflects a horizontal change of the independent variable with a vertical change in the dependent dimension. The graph just allows us to visualize how a situation changes with respect to a change in the conditions. Does that make sense?"

"Are you coming to my game tomorrow?"

"A football game?" Elizabeth was confused. "I never go to football games."

Jack scratched his head. "Yeah, but it's senior year. Besides, now you have a reason to come."

"What's my reason?"

"Me."

Elizabeth wasn't sure how to respond. She hadn't considered going to football games and participating in events that she hadn't been part of before their friendship. She pondered his request before realizing that she was still grounded, probably until she left for college. "I'm grounded."

"So, it's a school event. Won't your parents let you go to a football game?"

"Probably not," she answered honestly. "You don't know my mom." Pure disappointment appeared on Jack's face. She didn't want to let him down. "Is it really a big game?"

"Every game is big. I'm nervous. If I don't play well or I get hurt, my future is done. I haven't told anyone that I'm scared. I just want to play for fun again. There's so much pressure to be amazing. And, I feel like you're part of this now, helping me with the whole Calculus thing. You believe in me. I need you at the game."

Elizabeth's cell phone rang. "Sorry," she said reaching for her BlackBerry. It was her sister, Olivia calling. "I just need to take this really quick. It's my sister and she like never calls me. Jack nodded. "Hello?"

"Liz, it's Liv." Elizabeth rolled her eyes. She hated nicknames.

"I know. I'm studying with a friend. What's up?"

"Mom just called me. She's really upset."

"About what?" She wasn't even fazed to hear that her mother was upset. After all, she had left the house against her mother's strict orders.

"Don't take this the wrong way because I don't care what you do, I just want you to be happy but you need to be smart about it."

"What now? I don't have an eating disorder," she whispered into the phone. She glanced at Jack, who was sitting there trying not to laugh. Elizabeth pointed to the phone and rolled her eyes again.

"Mom says you have a black boyfriend and you're having sex with him." Elizabeth sighed and buried her head in her hands still holding the phone. "Hello? Are you there?"

"I don't have a boyfriend, Liv. And, I'm not having sex. Nor am I pregnant. So you can just tell mom to mind her own business."

"It's okay if you do and if you are and it's not okay if you're pregnant but just make sure you're safe, okay?"

"I am so not having this conversation with you," she said frustrated and ashamed. "I have to go so I'm going to hang up the phone but you know I'd never lie to you so you can believe our paranoid mother or you can believe me. It's your choice." She hung up the phone on Olivia. She was beginning to feel nauseous. She swallowed hard. The room was becoming blurry. "Is it suddenly cold in here?"

"No," answered Jack. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she lied. She looked down at the Calculus book again. The words were unclear. She squinted her eyes, trying to take a deep breath at the same time. "To find out how much the function,  changes between two points , we enter in the two values for the independent variable x and then calculate the difference between the dependent variable, f, for those given conditions. A variable is nothing more than a dimension that..." she paused. Beads of sweat were forming on her forehead.

"You're not okay," said Jack concerned. He reached out for her shaking hand. "Your hands are freezing but you're sweating. Elizabeth, what's happening to you?"

"An...anxiety..."

"Come on," he moved her Calculus book off her lap, took both her hands and pulled her up from the couch. "Shit, you're shaking." He led her upstairs to the first floor and they began to ascend the steps to the second floor.

"Where are you guys going?" called Mrs. Bennett from the kitchen after they were out of view.

"We need to look up something on the computer." Elizabeth collapsed in Jack's arms and he carried her to his bedroom, closing the door behind him. "What do you need?"

Her head was bobbing. She could barely sit up straight. She looked at him and started crying. "I'm sorry; you shouldn't see me like this."

"It's fine," he said scared. He ran over to his desk and started fumbling through his drawers until he found an old pencil sharpener that hadn't been used in years. He popped the metal blade out with his keys, sterilized it with a lighter and handed it to Elizabeth. "Here," he said.

She held it between her hands. "My...she...she'll search me."

"Well you have to do something! You're freaking me out!"

Elizabeth fumbled under her shirt for the button on her jeans. Her mom would never check under her underwear line. "I can't get it. Help me."

"You're taking your clothes off?" shouted Jack. "What good is that going to do?"

She reached out her hand at him. "Please," she mumbled. "I can't breathe." Elizabeth could see him grab his hair.

"You can't go home like this," he said kneeling in front of her. "Your mom is going to kill you the minute you walk in that door. God forgive me." He slowly unbuttoned her jeans and pulled down the zipper, revealing a pair of teal and navy polka dot boy shorts. She moved her hand pulling the underwear down an inch. "Ahhh, what are you doing?"

Before she could answer she made a two-centimeter clean cut. The slice didn't bleed at first. Elizabeth let out a deep breath. Tiny red dots appeared over the wound forming a defined line and then the blood started flowing. She could see Jack's eyes get wide. It was too late to be ashamed now. For the first time in her life she had cut herself in front of another person. He took off, out of his room, and was back before she knew it. Time didn't matter in a euphoric state. Everything was slow, perfect, and she was untouchable. Jack wiped her cut with warm water on toilet paper and put two regular sized bandages across the bleeding wound.

"She won't see the small band aids," he whispered. Elizabeth sank off the side of the bed onto the floor. "I think we should be done for tonight."

"I'm sorry," she whimpered. "I'll go now."

"Are you feeling any better?"

She nodded. "A little."

"I'll get your stuff," he offered.

Elizabeth sat on the front step of the porch and waited for Jack to come outside with her Calculus book and backpack. It seemed to take forever, but every minute that went by gave her more relief than the last. The porch light turned off. Elizabeth wondered if he was coming back out. She started to stand up when he finally appeared and sat down next to her, reaching in her backpack for her cigarettes. "I turned off the light so your parents can't see you out here."

"Thanks," she smiled.

"I figured you could use a smoke before you go home."

She smoked the first two cigarettes in silence. Her mind was clearing and she was starting to realize the magnitude of what she had made Jack witness. "How bad was it?"

"You don't need stitches or anything."

"No, I mean how freaked out are you right now?"

"You scared the crap out of me, but, it's not like I understand it or anything but I saw it, you know? I...I saw you change in a matter of minutes and it's my fault for helping you but I didn't know what else to do. I saw it...I saw how it made you feel better but it still doesn't make any sense."

"I know," she mumbled. "I don't always understand it either. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to talk to me anymore."

"Elizabeth, you're my friend. That doesn't mean that I'm going to walk away from you when you are hurting. No judging, remember? I promise I'll always be here when you need me." Jack put his arm around Elizabeth and squeezed her tight against his firm body. She rested her head against him. He was so warm.

"I'm coming to your game tomorrow," she said quietly. "You know the worst possible thing about me and you're still here. I'm not going to let you down, ever."

CHAPTER 12

**"The way the world is; how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just gets you. It's so rare." Chasing Amy**

"I don't understand how you can be grounded and get grounded on top of the original grounding?" Kate said confused. "Aren't you just still grounded?"

"We're going to the football game tonight," declared Elizabeth.

"Yes, because suddenly grounded doesn't mean grounded in your family so now we are doing things we've never done before," Kate said sarcastically.

"Why are we going to a football game again?" asked Angela not even concerned about the grounding.

"Because, every game determines Jack's future." Kate and Angela looked at each other confused. "What?"

"When did you start doing anything because of Jack Bennett?" asked Kate.

"Since we're studying Calculus together."

"Oh," said Angela. "What does studying together have to do with cheering him on at a football game?"

"It's not like I'm going to paint his number on my face and make a huge 'GO JACK' sign. It's not that big of a deal."

"Then why are we going?" Kate was starting to get annoyed.

"It's important to me, okay? We always do things when it's important to one of us."

"O.M.G.!" said Angela grinning. "You like him!"

"I do not," defended Elizabeth.

"Yes, you totally are crushing on him!"

"No, I'm not," defended Elizabeth. "He just...he gets things. He asked me to go and I'm going whether you two clowns are coming with me or not."

"You know we're in," said Kate. "Is it like a date, though? Do you stand with the rest of the girlfriends and meet him after the game? Hilarious! This is going to be epic. After thirteen years, I say hi to him and all of a sudden you guys are buddy, buddy? Did you make out yet?"

"You guys suck."

Elizabeth didn't go home after school. Her mom warned her the minute she got home from school there was going to be another family talk. She was sick of the family talks. Why couldn't her mom just leave her alone? Afraid that her mom would file a missing persons report or call all of the Planned Parenthood clinics in Charlotte when she didn't come home, she called her mom to tell her she was safe, she was going to a school event, and would be home by ten thirty. Her mom started yelling, so Elizabeth eventually hung up the phone. She was in a good mood and didn't want anything to ruin it.

After hanging out at Angela's house after school, the girls went to dinner at their favorite cheeseburger restaurant before the game. Cheeseburgers and football seemed to go together. They were excited about their first football game, Angela and Kate wanted to scope for boys on the opposing team. The game was more crowded than any of them anticipated.

"I didn't realize football was such a big deal," admitted Elizabeth. "More than half the school is here."

The girls found a great spot along the fence where they could see the action up close instead of climbing the bleachers to sit in the student section.

"Which one is he?" asked Angela.

Elizabeth scanned the field. "Right there," she pointed. "He's number twenty-six." Her friends looked at her and laughed. "What? I only remember his number because it's one of my favorite numbers."

"Or it became your favorite number because it's his number," joked Angela.

"That's not true. You guys just don't understand."

"Mmhm," nodded Kate. "Explain it."

"Forget it," she answered. She didn't want to explain how much Jack knew and had seen. Kate and Angela were her best friends. The last thing she wanted them to feel was jealous that Jack knew more about her problems than she was willing to admit to them. It wasn't that she trusted him over them, but he didn't have a long history with Elizabeth. She was more embarrassed about Angela and Kate knowing than Jack.

The Charlotte Academy Titans won the big football game 24-10. Elizabeth was excited for Jack. He ran in two touchdowns and caught one touchdown pass. He had an amazing game and she was sure that anyone watching would be impressed with his performance. It was worth not coming home. It was worth the wrath that would surely fall down on her again.

"Are you on drugs?" Leighton asked pacing around the family room. "Tell us!"

"No, mom, I'm not on drugs. It kind of sounds like a good idea," Elizabeth smirked.

"Elizabeth," said Robert. "Just answer your mother."

"I did. No, I'm not on drugs."

"I don't even recognize you anymore, Beth. First the sick things you do to yourself and now you're not coming home after school and making jokes about drugs. Where were you tonight?"

"At the football game," she answered calmly.

"You don't go to football games!" her mom shouted.

"Elizabeth, just tell us where you were," her father said sternly. Elizabeth sensed he was more upset than usual. Her mother had probably yelled and cried to him about her not coming home.

"I was at the football game. We won. The score was 24 to 10. I was with Angela and Kate. I went to Angela's after school, we had cheeseburgers for dinner at Firebirds and then we went to the game. I came home straight after. You can call both of them and ask them if you don't believe me."

"Like your friends are going to tell us the truth," snapped Leighton. "Especially that little smoker, Kate."

"Mom?" asked Elizabeth. This was the perfect time to tell the truth torture her mother a little more. "I've started smoking, too." Leighton's eyes widened. "Since you and dad won't let me cut anymore, I needed something new to occupy my hands and cut down on the stress. Well, good, I'm glad we're getting things out in the open."

"Robert, say something!"

He turned to his wife. "You used to smoke until you got pregnant with Olivia."

"Not to me! To your daughter!"

"Elizabeth, you're still grounded." She rolled her eyes expecting he was going to say that. "And...no smoking in the house."

Elizabeth chuckled. "Thanks dad," she hugged up and kissed him on the cheek. "Mom, I'm going outside to sit on the front porch. Since it's still the house, I'll assume it's okay with my grounding. Did you want to strip search me before I go outside?"

Leighton shook her head and pointed for Elizabeth to get out of the room.

She grabbed her purse and walked out the front door. It was another cloudless night. Elizabeth felt great and wanted to celebrate her mini victory. Her mom would call this just another classic case of her daughter's teenage rebellion, but it was just the opposite. Elizabeth had been controlled by her mother's actions for so long that she was just trying to develop her own identity. Maybe they forgot was it was like to be a teenager. Learning her mother used to smoke when she was Elizabeth's age was just a bonus.

Elizabeth noticed the Roger Bennett's black BMW 550i sedan pulling their driveway. She eagerly anticipated running over to give Jack a huge hug after his amazing performance but to her dismay, Jack wasn't in the car.

"Get over here girl," Mrs. Bennett called. Elizabeth smiled and met her on the porch.

"I'll be inside dear," Roger said to his wife.

"I'll be out here with your son's tutor because you won't let me smoke in the house," she answered back at her husband. He walked inside the house without answering her.

"He played a great game," said Elizabeth. She didn't know anything about football, except that touchdowns were very good.

Latasha clasped her hands together. "My baby played the best game of his life! I actually was thinking about reversing his grounding but I think one more week until his Calculus test is fair, don't you?"

Elizabeth shrugged her shoulders. She had never been grounded for grades before so it was hard for her to understand why he had been grounded in the first place. It wasn't like Jack was failing Calculus and in jeopardy of not graduating. His future was

in his hands. He had the tools to make his dreams come true and he wasn't going to fail. Elizabeth was sure of that.

Jack's Jeep came to a halt in front of his house. He grabbed his bag off the back seat and started walking up his driveway. He looked a little surprised to see his mom and Elizabeth sitting on the porch together.

"What are ya'll doing out here?"

"Waiting to congratulate you," Latasha said excited.

Elizabeth stood up suddenly embarrassed. She didn't come over to wait for Jack. The last thing she wanted was to give him the wrong impression. This was the second day in a row he saw her hanging out with his mom. Elizabeth walked down the stairs. "Congratulations Jack," she smiled. "You played great."

"Where are you going?" Mrs. Bennett asked. "You just got here."

"Yeah," she sighed, "but my mom might get..." she paused. Jack was smiling at her. "What?"

"You came to my game," he said smiling.

"I promised I would," she answered.

"Even though you're grounded?" he dropped his football bag and took a step towards her.

"You're grounded, too?" Latasha asked Elizabeth confused. "Is that how ya'll started talking after thirteen years?"

"Yeah, well now I'm more grounded."

"You came for me. You came to support me." He was still beaming.

"I said I would," she laughed. "Why do you keep looking at me like that?" Jack charged at Elizabeth. Not knowing why he was running at her or what to do, she started screaming. He grabbed her legs, threw her over his shoulder and took off running towards his backyard. Instinctively, she wrapped her arms around his stomach to keep from flopping around. All she could see was grass and her dark hair.

"I got Elizabeth Benson to come to her first high school game!" he shouted as he ran.

"And, my last!" she shouted.

Jack got to the front of the house and spun Elizabeth in circles. She let go of his stomach, arched her back and reached out her arms. She was flying. It felt amazing.

"I'm getting dizzy," he finally admitted stumbling. He started to pull her off his shoulders and lost his balance. They both fell to the ground. "I'm so sorry!" Elizabeth was too busy laughing to care that someone twice her weight had just fallen on top of her. Jack was impulsive and he was fun. He filled a deep void in her life that she had never before realized was even there. He held her tight. "Thank you so much for coming. You don't know how much I appreciate it."

Elizabeth smiled. "You're welcome," she answered. "It was worth it. You're worth it." Jack brushed a strand of dark hair away from her green eyes. Their eyes locked again, just like before but it was different this time. Was it attraction? Was it fate?

"Alright," Latasha said still sitting on the porch.

"Mom!" Jack yelled immediately leaping up. "What are you still doing out here?"

"The question is, Jack, what are you doing out here? You're still grounded, remember?"

"Five minutes?" he begged.

"I should go anyway," mumbled Elizabeth. She wasn't sure if Jack was going to start fighting with his mom in front of her and the last thing she wanted was to be the reason they were fighting.

"Jack," Latasha said, "Go in and shower. You can come back out for another hour."

He looked at Elizabeth. "Don't leave."

She sat down on the porch next to Mrs. Bennett once again. This time she took out a cigarette. Elizabeth wasn't sure what happened. Maybe they had both gotten over excited and lost control of reality. What if what she was feeling inside wasn't over excitement? What if she was starting to fall for Jack Bennett? It was impossible.

"Do teenagers hate their parents for grounding them?"

Elizabeth shrugged her shoulders. "I'm sure most do. The most important thing to us is our freedom and we don't like it very much when that gets taken away from us. But, my mom is kind of strict anyway, so I've really never had as much freedom as most kids."

"Well, I never cared if my older kids got mad at me. If they were wrong they were going to get punished. That's how it

works. It's a little different with Jack. He's the baby of the family. I fight with him more but I question my decisions with him more, as well. His sister, ohhhhh, she was a trip! You practice tough love on an emotional girl and she's just gonna break down. I couldn't handle that. Her father always had to deal with her."

Jack came back outside in navy sweat pants and a navy t-shirt. "Thanks mom," he said. "You can go in now."

"I'm not done smoking," she said.

"Fine," he answered annoyed. "We're going to Elizabeth's porch then."

"I can still see you two over there," she threatened.

"Yeah, but you can't hear us." Jack grabbed her hand and led her towards her house. Elizabeth turned around and waved good-bye to Mrs. Bennett.

"I like your mom," she said. "We could have just hung out with her."

"No, we couldn't. You don't understand her. They took seats on the top step in the dark. "You can smoke. I want to take a drag."

Elizabeth lit a cigarette. "What do you mean I don't understand her?"

"Look, I'm close with her but I'm not close with her if you get what I mean. I don't agree with how she does things. She runs the family. It's not like your mom, it's different."

"She started telling me about her tough love philosophy," said Elizabeth.

"That basically means you can never show weakness. Even hugging is a sign of weakness. My brother, sister and I got together one day and figured out what a hug was. We consciously taught ourselves to hug each other. My mom was livid."

Elizabeth's front door opened. Leighton stepped outside. "We're going to bed," she said quietly. "I guess then you can do what you're going to do anyway." Elizabeth could see her mother eying Jack. "Are you at least going to introduce me to the boy you're dating or sleeping with?"

"Mom!" shouted Elizabeth mortified.

"What's that? What happened?" Latasha Bennett came running over.

"Mom!" shouted Jack embarrassed that his mother had just come racing over to his rescue. "Everything is fine. Go back home."

"No, everything is not fine," said Leighton pushing past the kids to talk to Latasha. "Do you know..." she turned to look at her daughter and began whispering. "Do you know what is going on with our children?"

Latasha looked at them sitting next to each other on the steps. Elizabeth had her head buried in her hands and Jack had his arm around her trying his best to console her. "Yes, your daughter is tutoring my son."

"That's pretty naïve to think that's the only thing they're doing," Leighton said disgusted.

"I believe there's more. I believe that after thirteen years God has given them to each other for a purpose to help them through a difficult time. I think they are discovering that each of them is not what the other one thought. I think they are developing an amazing friendship. I think they believe in each other and I think that there is a slight possibility that one day they might admit they would make a pretty amazing couple. You should be lucky to have my son in your daughter's life. Rumor is you're pretty hard on her and that her problems are caused by you."

"What?" Leighton was confused and angry. "My daughter doesn't have problems and if she does they are none of your business and certainly no fault of mine."

"Here," said Latasha handing Leighton a cigarette. "Try this. It helps."

Leighton pushed past the kids once more, this time heading in the house. She slammed the front door behind her. Latasha walked back to her house and went inside without saying another word.

"Your mom really hates me," said Jack.

"No, she doesn't. She just doesn't understand anything in my life right now. She knows that she causes me a lot of pain but she won't admit it or change anything so she's constantly looking for other explanations."

"So she doesn't really think I got you pregnant, she's just saying that?"

"Honestly, I'm sorry that she's a bitch to you, Jack. You don't deserve it and I have no idea what she really believes. Olivia called last night because my mom was so bent out of shape about you and me, even though there is no you and me."

"What would you do if you were pregnant?"

Elizabeth scratched her head. She hadn't thought about that question in a long time. "I'm not sure. I guess it would depend on the circumstances. What about you?"

"Yeah, I guess it would depend. I had a..." he stopped talking.

"You had a what?"

"Never mind," he said. "Give me a cigarette."

Elizabeth obliged. "You know you can tell me anything. I would never tell anyone."

"I know. It's not that. It just was a long time ago." He inhaled the cigarette and exhaled slowly. "You're right. You do get a buzz." He said a minute later.

"I should probably go in," suggested Elizabeth after they both finished their cigarettes. Jack got up and started slowly walking to his house. Elizabeth turned the handle to the front door. Her mom had locked her out. Her keys and cell phone were sitting on the table in the foyer. "Open the door!" she shouted pounding on the glass.

"Did she lock you out because of me?" Jack called.

"Jack, it's not because of you, it's because of me."

"Well you can't stay out here all night. You're staying with me."

"No, I'll get in trouble. Besides, they'll wake up eventually if I keep pounding on the door."

"Or, you could just piss her off more by not. You know she's not sleeping. She's lying in bed listening for you. She's going to freak when you don't try to get in the house. She'll know you're with me." Elizabeth saw a smile suddenly overcome his face. "Come on."

"What about your mom?"

"Kill two birds with one stone?"

Jack pulled a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt out of his dresser. He found a new toothbrush in the bathroom. Elizabeth brushed her teeth and washed her face. She sat on the edge of his bed and looked around his room. There were football posters of players, coaches, and quotes all around his room. Not to mention numerous autographs. It was the most motivating room she had ever been in.

He pulled down his striped comforter and she slowly got in bed facing away from him. This was the first time Elizabeth was sharing a bed with a boy. She tucked both arms under the pillow. She could feel her heart beat a little faster. She told herself to relax, that Jack was just a friend.

"Do you have an extra blanket?" she asked before he got in bed.

He handed her a maroon fleece blanket. "Is that okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, it's perfect." She threw the pillow off the bed and rearranged the blanket into a makeshift pillow.

"What is that?" he asked curious.

"It's my mold. I've been doing it since I was little. I never liked pillows. I like how I can change my mold whenever I want."

"Hey," he said. "Can I ask you a favor?"

"Anything," she said.

He put his arm around her. Elizabeth froze. "Is that weird?"

"Kind of," she answered honestly.

"I've always wondered what it was like. How do you know if you're a good bed sharer?"

"I don't know," she said now wondering the same thing. "I guess you practice."

"With someone you trust, right?"

"Yeah."

"Do you trust me?"

Elizabeth paused. She trusted him. It was her she didn't trust. "Of course I do."

"You're cold," he whispered. He moved his feet against hers. "Okay, your feet are freezing! Do you want socks?"

She laughed. "That's being a good bed sharer."

Jack got up and threw a pair of white tube socks at her. "Good thing my mom does my laundry. I hate laundry."

"I love doing laundry. It's relaxing."

"Ironing is relaxing," he said jumping back into bed.

"You iron?" she asked surprised.

"If you tell anyone at school...." he was suddenly against her body again wrapping his right arm around her; slowly he moved his hand until it was lightly resting against her stomach. His left arm was above her head. His body was warm and strong. She had no idea being so close to someone like this could feel so good. It was no longer awkward or uncomfortable. Elizabeth was glad he talked her out of going home. For the second time tonight, making a decision for Jack Bennett that risked major punishment was worth it.

CHAPTER 13

**"A woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart." Shakespeare**

Elizabeth felt the warm breeze air from the window and took a deep breath. She was so comfortable she didn't want to move. It was the most perfect morning, the most perfect feeling, the most perfect moment. Elizabeth's head was resting on top of Jack's chest. She could hear his heart beating. Underneath his undershirt was a body of perfection that she felt connected with as her head moved in sync with every breath of air he took in. His shallow breaths were virtually soundless. Their legs were intertwined like roots connected to a tree branch. Her left arm was stretched across his stomach and Jack had both arms wrapped around her. Elizabeth felt safe in his arms, like whatever evil there was out there in the world would never get her because he would always protect her.

"Jack," she heard Latasha say as the bedroom door creaked open. "Jack!" she said louder closing the door behind her. Jack stirred a little. Elizabeth tried to sit up but Jack was holding her too tightly. "Oh, shit!" She shook her son. Jack finally opened his eyes after Latasha tried to wake him a few times.

"Mom, seriously what's wrong?"

"What's wrong? Elizabeth is in your bed," she shook her fist at him.

"So what," he mumbled. "We're sleeping." It was at that moment that Jack must have realized what was happened. He released Elizabeth from his grip and jumped up out of his bed. She got up slowly and stood on the opposite side of the room. "Ok, this isn't what it looks like."

"Give me a cigarette," Latasha demanded. Elizabeth fumbled through her purse and handed Mrs. Bennett a cigarette. "This isn't happening."

"Mom, nothing happened! Her mom locked her out of the house. Where was she supposed to go?"

"Go? Your sister's room? Your brother's room? The couch in the basement? The couch in the family room? You should have woken me Jack!"

"I honestly didn't think it was a big deal. We were just..."

"It's my fault," Elizabeth interrupted. "I was upset about my mom and wanted to talk to Jack. I meant to go downstairs but I guess we fell asleep."

"Yeah, we fell asleep," said Jack. "Mom, please, don't be mad at us. I swear nothing happened."

"Jack, you overslept and missed football practice," she said exhaling out the open window. "I didn't know you were home until Elizabeth's mom came over and was insistent that her daughter didn't come home and that she must be in my son's room."

"My mom?" Elizabeth started to shake.

"I missed football?" Jack said, clearly upset. "How could I be so stupid?"

"Not only did Leighton come over, but she refused to leave. I told her Jack was at football but she said his car was outside and demanded that I check every part of the house until I found you."

Jack ran over to Elizabeth. "She locked you out," he reassured her. "We didn't do anything wrong. Nothing happened. It doesn't matter what your mom says. It's her fault you're over here."

Elizabeth swallowed hard. "You believe us, don't you Mrs. Bennett?"

She exhaled out the window again. "Yeah, I believe you. Your mom is on a super trip right now. You better change before you go downstairs."

"No," Jack said grabbing his friend's hand. "Elizabeth isn't changing. She's going downstairs in my clothes and she's keeping them."

"Jack," Latasha snapped. "This isn't our fight. It's none of our business. Stay up here while I take her downstairs and then you're going to have to apologize to your coach."

Elizabeth picked up her clothes, flip-flops and purse from the floor. "I'll see you next year," she mumbled. "That's when my grounding will probably end."

"Don't," pleaded Jack. He swept her hair behind her ears. "Don't you dare blame yourself for last night. This is your mother's fault. Stand strong." Elizabeth nodded. Jack leaned in. "Don't hurt yourself over this. It's not worth it. I'm going down with you," he looked at his mom. "This is on both of us."

Latasha realized what her son was doing. He was trying to save the girl next door from the demons that haunted her. The last thing she wanted to do was get involved in someone else's fight. It was suddenly clear that Elizabeth needed a safe place. "Okay," she agreed.

Latasha walked down the stairs with Jack and Elizabeth following closely behind. Leighton Benson was sitting on a chair in the living room while Roger Bennett was pacing around the room. Elizabeth grabbed the back of Jack's shirt. "I can't do this," she said worried. "I can go out the back door and be home and she'll never know."

Jack took her hand in his. She followed him into the living room.

"Elizabeth Bailey Benson!" Leighton shouted jumping up from the chair.

"Johnathon Alexander Bennett!" Roger shouted almost at the same time.

She held Jack's hand tighter and shifted behind him. "I'm fine. We're fine."

Latasha stood in the middle of the living room and pointed for Elizabeth and Jack to sit on the couch. "Leighton, I know you're upset. Believe me, Roger and I are upset, as well. But, I think that we need to listen to the kids."

"My daughter is sleeping with your son!" screamed Leighton. "We shouldn't have to listen to their explanation! I don't want details! This needs to stop! They need to stop seeing each other."

"Now, wait just a second," Latasha said. "Don't point the finger at my son when you locked your daughter out of the house. If you hadn't been so delusional to think that Jack had and Elizabeth were having a baby last night, you would have never locked the door of your home on your daughter leaving her outside."

"That's ridiculous!" Leighton shouted. "I was testing them. I'm tired of Elizabeth lying all the time."

"I'm not lying, mom," she said sincerely. Elizabeth's hand felt electric. Jack was transmitting courage from his hand to hers. "This isn't quit the crisis you're making it out to be! In kindergarten we sat at the same table. We had afternoon naps on adjoining blankets. In first grade we were reading partners. In second grade we sat next to each other on the bus because we had assigned seating. In third grade we gave a speech together as J.F.K and Jackie O. In fourth grade we were spelling bee finalists. In fifth grade we were Mary and Joseph in the Nativity Story play. In sixth grade we..."

"You were Mary and Joseph," Leighton said calmly. "I remember that."

"We were co-captains in gym class," Jack saved her speech. "In seventh grade I had my first slow dance with Elizabeth when we learned the waltz in music class. In eighth grade we both won the most likely to succeed award and they had to cut the certificate in half because we tied and they didn't expect that. And, then in high school maybe we didn't talk. Maybe we didn't talk in grade school or middle school but we're friends now and I don't care if you don't like the color of my skin or the fact that I'm not as smart as your daughter."

"Yes, you are," encouraged Elizabeth. Jack did a double take. "You're going to get an A in Calculus." The three parents were now staring at their children. Elizabeth stood up. "Mr. and Mrs. Bennett, I know you think I'm sick. You're right I am. But, spending time with your son is the best thing that could have happened to me this year. I feel alive when I'm with him. He has been my friend unconditionally, without judgment, without condemnation. I believe in Jack. More than I will ever understand. He has a pure heart. I'm telling you right now, that I honestly believe, without one shred of a doubt, that he is going to change the world someday. I'm really sorry if you are angry with us or disappointed in us for last night. You may not believe us, but I give you my word that nothing happened."

"Yeah," echoed Jack. "It's not like that. We're just friends. Mom, I'm sorry you found us the way we were but we were just sleeping. I promise. I don't know how we ended up like that."

"Ended up like what?" Roger asked curious.

"Latasha, were they dressed?" asked Leighton.

"Yes," she rolled her eyes. "They were cuddling but they were dressed and I believe you two."

"Tutoring is over," said Leighton. "Elizabeth, we're going home. I'll wash Jack's clothes and return them tomorrow."

"No," said Elizabeth and Jack at the same time. They looked at each other.

"Tutoring is not over," said Elizabeth putting her foot down. "He helps me as much as I help him. I'm not his tutor, I'm his study partner."

"Yeah, what she said. And, she's keeping my clothes. They're a present."

Leighton screamed in frustration, walked out of the house slamming the front door behind her. "I should probably go, too," suggested Elizabeth. "She seems pretty mad."

"You better," Latasha said. "We need to talk to our son, alone."

Elizabeth walked in the front door to her house. She heard her mom shouting to her father about what had taken place at the Bennett's house. Elizabeth walked into the kitchen to tell her parents she was home and then went up to her room. She opened her window wide and sprawled out on her bed facing Jack's room.

Elizabeth could hear his parents yelling at him. This was the first time in thirteen years that she ever heard his parents yell. She wondered if Jack ever heard her family yell. Maybe it was just something that neighbors accepted living next door to each other.

There was a knock on Elizabeth's door. "Come in," she said bracing herself for another fight. Instead of her mother, it was her father. "Dad, I'm sorry."

"Your mom shouldn't have locked you out last night. She didn't realize that you didn't have your phone. She overreacted but you still should have tried to come in."

"I won't do it again," she said. "I promise."

He nodded. "It's going to be a long year if you and your mom don't figure out how to get along."

"But, dad, you know she's being stupid and crazy!"

"Figure it out Elizabeth." He closed the door behind him. Elizabeth wondered if he had just given her mother the same calm

speech he had just delivered to her. Why should she have to figure it out? Wasn't that the responsibility of the parent?

Elizabeth suddenly saw Jack appear in front of his window. She sat up and walked over to her window. "Are you okay?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yeah, you?"

She nodded. He smiled and closed his blinds. Elizabeth walked back over to her bed. She looked at the navy and Carolina blue UNC sweat pants Jack had given her and a grey matching t-shirt. She wondered if he was secretly thinking about how close they could throughout college. Or maybe, it was an unconscious decision and he pulled the clothes on the top out of his drawer. Elizabeth wasn't tired but she could still smell Jack on his clothes. She wanted to go back to the moment before his mom woke them up. Back to when she could feel peace in her body from her head down to her toes. She closed her eyes and tried to remember what it was like sleeping in his arms.

CHAPTER 14

**"Sometimes you meet somebody, and you know that whatever you did before, it must have been right. Because nothing you've done could be too bad, or have gone too far wrong, because it led you to this person." Anonymous**

Elizabeth and Jack studied every night before the Calculus test. Mrs. Benson left Elizabeth alone for the most part because Mrs. Bennett agreed that they would study at the kitchen table and she would keep a close eye on them. Neither of them talked about the previous Friday night. Even though Elizabeth knew her mother liked to exaggerate, she was surprised that her mom had overreacted the way she did by accusing her daughter of being pregnant in front of the Jack's parents. The Bennett's weren't just another family that you might run into at the grocery store or church, they were neighbors which brought the embarrassing actions of her mother to a higher level.

It was Friday morning, and the Calculus test was already here. Elizabeth felt well prepared. Jack was nervous but said he felt good about the test. Ms. Petrova gave the same speech she gave before the first Calculus test. She once again passed the tests out to each person in the front row and they handed them back.

"Begin," she said before taking a seat down at her desk.

Elizabeth looked over at Jack. He was pushing the buttons on his calculator at warp speed and filling in answers just as fast. She smiled to herself and started on her test. Jack was going to be just fine. She was sure of it.

After her morning classes, Elizabeth went to get her Calculus test score and sit outside for lunch. There were only a few more weeks of perfect weather before she would have to settle on eating inside the cafeteria again. She walked into Ms. Petrova's classroom.

"You've been working with a study partner like I suggested, haven't you?"

"How can you tell?" Elizabeth asked. Ms. Petrova handed her the graded test. "I got a 98? I got a 98!" she shouted.

"Keep up the good work."

Elizabeth grabbed her lunch from her locker and walked to her lunch spot. She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes in the mid-day sunshine. "Is this where the cool people eat lunch?"

She could tell it was Jack without even opening her eyes. "No, they're all waiting for you in the cafeteria."

"Very funny," he mocked.

"I'm serious. They're looking for you. They might not know what to eat if you're not there to tell them."

"We're celebrating tonight," he said. "After my football game."

"Another game? Sounds like fun, but I'm still grounded."

"Come on," he pleaded. "You never listen to your parents. Football game and then a party and we won't be out late."

"I'm guessing you got a B or better on your Calculus test?"

"I got a 93. It's an A!"

Elizabeth stood up to hug Jack. "That's so great! I knew you could do it!" He picked her up and spun her around. "Hey, don't hurt yourself, you have a game tonight."

He set her on her feet. "I have an idea," he smirked. "Why don't you invite your family to the game? That way they'll be with you so they won't say you're sneaking around and they can sit with my parents."

"Are you nuts? That's the worst idea ever! Our parents should not be socializing."

"How are we supposed to be friends if every time we hang out your mom wants to chop my head off?"

Elizabeth laughed. "It's probably not your head that has a face that she wants to chop off."

Jack jabbed her in the ribs. "You're probably right. They both sat down against the wall. "How are you supposed to come to the party with me then?"

"Okay, don't take this the wrong way because I was really joking around about your people looking for you, but I don't think I belong at an A-list party."

"You're fine," he said. "Nobody would care. They just don't know you."

"Can my friends come?" Elizabeth asked wondering if her parents would actually let her go.

"For sure," he answered. "I gotta run. I'll be home after the game to shower and change. Nick's coming to pick me up so have your friends come to your house and he can drive us all."

"Mom?" Elizabeth called walking in the front door after school. There was no answer. "Colby?" She walked through the first floor finally spotting her mom pushing Colby on the swing set. She walked out the sliding glass door in the family room, down the stairs to the deck to the swing set. "Hi."

"How was school?"

"I got a 98 percent on my Calculus test."

"How did Jack do?"

Elizabeth was surprised she asked about Jack. Her mom was probably secretly hoping he didn't get a good grade so she could stop Elizabeth from studying with him. "He did great. He got a 93 percent."

"Good," she said pushing Colby. "I presume you're going to ask me to go to the football game tonight?"

"With Angela and Kate. Is that okay?"

"Higher!" squealed Colby.

"Have you cut yourself anymore?" Elizabeth shook her head. "Well, I suppose you can go to the game with your friends."

"Thank you," smiled Elizabeth. That was easier than she thought. Her mom was in a pleasant mood. "Mom, there's one

more thing and you can say no if you want but after the game there's a party and Angela and Kate are going and Jack and his friend and we'll come home after the game because Jack's friend is driving so he'll pick us up here so you can meet him if you want and we won't be out late and then maybe Angela and Kate can spend the night because I haven't done that in forever and I know I'm still grounded and you can say no it's just that..."

"Stop," said Leighton. "Just please stop. You're giving me a headache."

"I'm sorry," she said putting her head down. "I'll just go to the game."

"Who is driving you to the party?"

"Jack's friend Nick."

"You're not grounded anymore," her mother said calm and collected. "Your father convinced me that you've reached your limit on being cooped up in this house and that I should give you some space. You can go to the party. And, your friends can spend the night."

Elizabeth looked at her mother as though she had been abducted by an alien. It must have taken her father hours to convince her mom to back off for a little bit. She couldn't believe it. Elizabeth had just been witness to a miracle. She leapt towards her mother and threw her arms around her. "Thank you so much!"

Leighton awkwardly took a step back and removed her daughter's arms from around her. "You're welcome," she said without much conviction.

Angela and Kate were in Elizabeth's room helping her wear something cute but not too fancy for the game. Angela was busy blowing up the air mattresses while Kate was invading Elizabeth's closet.

"Did you get another Marc Jacobs bag, Kate?" Angela asked.

"Well, I had to get a fall color. Oranges are in right now."

Elizabeth glanced out her other bedroom window that overlooked the backyard. She saw her mom talking to Mrs. Bennett. She tried to make out what they were saying through her open window but could not hear the exchange of words. It looked as though Latasha was comforting her mother in some way. "What do you think they're doing out there?" she asked her friends.

"Planning your wedding," Angela said. Kate started laughing.

"I found the perfect outfit to wear tonight." Kate laid a cream sequin tank top out on her bed next to a pair of dark skinny jeans.

"No, come on. That shirt is too low in the back and I can't wear a bra with it. And, those jeans are skin tight. They don't even move."

"That's the point," said Angela. "Looking good isn't easy. We need to start your hair and make-up."

Elizabeth looked out the window again. "You guys don't get it. My mom hates Jack's mom. She thinks Mrs. Bennett is too much a free spirit and gives Jack too much freedom. What could they possibly be talking about?"

After the football game, the girls rushed home to change for the party. They had been to parties before, but never a party thrown by one of the A-listers at their school. They double checked themselves in the mirror before heading downstairs. Elizabeth covered the red scar on her arm with make-up. The three girls sat with Elizabeth's parents talking about the game while they waited. Finally, the doorbell rang.

"Do you want to come outside and meet Jack's friend?" Elizabeth asked her mom. Leighton shook her head. "Okay, we'll be home later."

"Come on!" said Jack enthusiastically before Elizabeth had opened the front door all the way. They walked across her front lawn and then the Bennett's to the older teal Oldsmobile Achieva in the driveway. The girls opened the back door and Elizabeth climbed in first. Jack's friend, Nick, did a double take at Elizabeth.

"Cutter girl is coming with us?" he asked confused.

"Hey," said Kate defending her friend. "She's not cutter girl. Don't ever call her that again."

"Fine, sorry," he looked at Jack again. "Tutor girl is coming with us?"

"She's my friend," defended Jack. "Her name is Elizabeth, not tutor girl."

"Whatever." Nick rolled his eyes and put the Achieva in reverse. "I'm Nick Strauss," he said looking at the girls while he backed out of the driveway."

"We know who you are," said Angela."

"Really? Do you go to my school?"

"You transferred in sophomore year," mentioned Kate.

"Great, so everyone knows me and I don't know everyone."

It took less than four minutes to get to the party at Zack Soldano's house. The girls followed Jack and Nick into the party. Elizabeth was nervous about going to her first A-list party. She would have been content ending high school never knowing what it was like to party with the kids at school that barely knew anything about her. Her nickname was now 'cutter girl', a name she despised.

"Beer," Jack said. "I'll go."

The girls hovered around the foyer of the massive house trying to see who was already at the party. They recognized everyone at the party and were confident that Elizabeth was the only one recognized back due to what happened in the locker room a few weeks earlier.

Jamie Johnson walked into foyer with a beer, headed to the bathroom. "Wow, cutter girl and friends. When did this party become open to the public?"

"Her name isn't cutter girl," Kate defended again. "It's Elizabeth."

Jamie smirked. "I know who she is smoker girl."

"Do you have nicknames for everyone?" asked Angela.

"Yes, it's not like I can remember everyone's real name. Is that mean of me?" The girls stared at her while Jamie pondered. "Anyway, welcome to the party. How did you get invited anyway? It's not like we broadcast our parties all over the school because we don't want, well we don't want everyone to know."

"We came with someone," said Elizabeth.

"Who?" Jamie asked.

"Me," said Jack carrying four bottles of beer.

Jamie looked shocked. Jack handed the girls a beer each and took a sip of his beer facing Jamie. "Is that a problem?"

"No," she answered. "We just don't want to run out and three extra people are a lot."

"Nick brought a case of beer with him. That should be enough."

She flipped her long blond curly hair over her shoulder. Elizabeth realized she was wearing the same halter top as Jamie in different colors. "Can I talk to you for a second Jack?"

"I'll be right back," he said to Elizabeth. "Feel free to walk around. Nobody will say anything to you." He followed Jamie to the back of the house.

"Wow," said Angela. "She's usually nicer in school."

"That's because she wanted our votes for class president," added Kate. "She doesn't have to kiss ass outside of school. These people already like her."

"If I hear the name cutter girl one more time I'm going flip," mentioned Elizabeth.

"Flipping will do wonders for your reputation. Let's walk around," suggested Angela.

"No, let's have a smoke first," answered Kate.

The girls walked out the front door with their bottle of Miller Lite still in hand. They made their way along the sloping side of the house until they were in the back under first floor deck.

"I'm surprised nobody is in the basement," said Angela looking into the house through the walk out sliding glass door. "It's a really nice house."

Kate looked at Elizabeth. "Your mom must have been abducted by aliens. Or possessed by a demon, no an angel."

"At first I thought it was my dad but now I'm not so sure. What if it's Mrs. Bennett?"

"Jack's mom?" asked Kate. "Why would she talk to your mom? She has no interest in your family drama."

Elizabeth pondered what Kate was saying for a few seconds. "You're right. I just can't figure it out."

"You don't need to," said Angela. "She let you out. Who cares what the reason is."

"I'm talking to you!" shouted a voice from the balcony above. The girls immediately stopped talking and tried looking through the beams on the wooden deck above them to see who was yelling. "You're wrong. I don't care that you brought cutter girl to the party." The girls knew immediately it was Jamie Johnson. "I care that I asked you to come with me and you told me you were grounded."

"I was grounded," defended Jack. "I got ungrounded when I got home from school."

"Why didn't you text me?" She sounded distraught.

"I'm here aren't I? Isn't that what you wanted? Who cares if I showed up in another stupid car? What do you want from me? You're up and down all the damn time."

"I care," demanded Jamie. "I want you back."

The girls didn't hear anything for about a minute. "Are they kissing?" whispered Angela.

Elizabeth thought she was going to be sick. She wasn't even sure why. It was Jamie Johnson, possibly the most perfect female teenage specimen. Jack was her male version. It only seemed to make sense that they had gone out.

"I'm going for a closer look," whispered Kate. She slowly walked out into the dark yard. The fall leaves were crunching underneath her feet. Suddenly, she bolted back under the cover of the deck above. "They're on opposite sides."

"I don't," Jack finally answered.

"What?"

"I don't want you back. Not now. I have a lot going on and I don't have time for a relationship. I need to get my stuff in order first."

"Are you going to keep seeing cutter girl?"

"Get off her case. She helps me in Calculus, alright? That's all there is. I'm not dating her. She helps me out. You just need to calm down." Elizabeth felt nauseous. It's not that she liked Jack, but she liked that he was her hero and the possibility that he could someday be something more. Latasha Bennett thought they could have something, why didn't Jack?

"But she likes you," said Jamie frustrated. "What are you going to do about that?"

"It's not like that. It's harmless. Nothing will ever happen between us." Now, it was final. Elizabeth had heard enough.

"There you guys are," Nick said turning the corner. "I saw Jack outside and I felt kind of bad like maybe we ditched you guys." He was staring straight at Kate.

"We're fine," she said flipping her curly hair. "Thanks for coming to find us."

"Some guys are inside playing flip cup if you want to join us."

Kate and Angela nodded agreeably. It was something to do other than eavesdrop on Jack and Jamie. They followed Nick back around to the front of the house, through the front door and foyer into the kitchen. Jamie was right, the party was pretty small. There were only about twenty people there. Three extra people were a significant number to such a small social gathering.

"This is farther than we made it last time," Kate said to Nick.

"I'm really sorry about that," he turned to Elizabeth. "And, I'm sorry I called you cutter girl. I accidently stabbed my arm with a sharp pencil once. The lead broke off and I had a terrible infection. It bubbled and there was puss and it was pretty gross." Elizabeth felt like she was going to throw up. "Was that what your arm looked like?"

She shook her head. "No, it wasn't as bad as yours," she confessed. Maybe he actually believed it was an accident.

The flip cup table was set up. There were six boys on the football team standing around the table. "I got three more. Now we're even with five on each team. The boys introduced themselves as if they had no idea they went to school with any of the girls, except for one boy, Bob, that couldn't stop staring at Elizabeth. Elizabeth and Angela were on Bob's team with Chase, and Damon. Damon seemed annoyed to have two girls on his team so he suggested they both start so the boys could catch up if they were behind. Kate was on Nick's team. Elizabeth looked for Jack, but saw no sign of him. She assumed he was still outside with Jamie.

Elizabeth, Angela and Kate all filled in admirably even though it was their first time playing flip cup. Elizabeth's team did lose the first round so after the rotation, Bob took her place to start the team off. After that, they won the next ten rounds giving Bob a chance to talk to her after they chugged their quarter cup of beer and flipped their cups.

"You're pretty good at this," he complimented.

"Thanks," she smiled. She was starting to feel the buzz from the beer. "This is my first time playing."

"No way," he said. "That's really good, then."

She couldn't help but smile. Bob was pale, his skin almost colorless. He had light blond hair and grey-blue eyes. Physically, he was the exact opposite of Jack. Bob was on the thin side. He didn't play football, but he was part of the team as the home game announcer. His arms were toothpicks compared to Jack's. Physically, his body was closer to her small frame. Elizabeth suddenly realized she was comparing Bob to Jack. She turned back around to focus on the game.

Angela began nudging her closer to Bob. "Say something to him or I will," Angela encouraged her friend. Elizabeth looked across the table where Kate was now hanging on Nick. She quickly scanned the room for Jack but he was nowhere in sight.

"Can we please have a smoke break," begged Kate. "I really need to pee and smoke."

"I love this girl!" exclaimed Nick.

"Keep your pants on," said Kate stumbling out of the kitchen towards the bathroom. Elizabeth and Angela followed Kate. They rotated going to the bathroom, washing their hands and fixing their hair and make-up. "I'm glad we came. Nick is pretty cool."

"You're so hooking up with him tonight," said Angela egging her friend on.

"Nah," said Kate. "Not tonight. He's going to have to work harder if he wants all this," she said pointing to her amazing body.

"I need an ass," Angela said looking in to the mirror. "Can't I take some from my chest and put it in my ass?"

"I love your ass," Kate said spanking her friend. "Besides, flirty betch over there is going to get some before either of us. Bob wants you so bad. Not even in like he wants you, well he does, but he likes you. He's can't stop staring at you."

"He's awkward. Let's go smoke," Elizabeth said quickly. She was in a hurry to see if Jack was still outside with Jamie. To her disappointment when they reached the balcony neither Jack nor Jamie was outside. Elizabeth quickly feared they had gone somewhere in the house to hook up. Bob quickly approached her and she walked over to the railing away from the table where the rest of the boys were sitting that had been playing flip cup. She quickly lit her cigarette hoping that the smoke would offend him.

"Ahh," he smiled. "You're a smoker?"

"Yeah, a pretty big smoker," she lied. "Okay, I don't smoke every day or all the time, just when I feel like it, for no reason."

"I gotcha," he said reaching into the pocket of his khaki pants to retrieve his own pack of cigarettes. "Camels," he said smiling.

"Parliament Lights," she said showing him her pack. "So, have you seen Jack around here lately?"

"Nope," admitted Bob. "Not for a while. I saw Jamie was on his case earlier."

"Oh."

"You guys came with him, right?"

"Yeah, he's my neighbor."

"Probably a good neighbor to have. He could beat up anyone trying to break into your house." Elizabeth started laughing. Jack was strong physically. He was an incredibly fast runner, as well. No burglar would stand a chance against him. "Listen, I've been meaning to ask you something for a long time, now." Elizabeth's eyes widened. It was coming, the big question about whether or not she tried to commit suicide? "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen," he said sincerely. "Will you go out with me?"

Elizabeth didn't know how to respond. Bob was an A-lister. Elizabeth was used to having boyfriends on the B-list and none of them were significant. She tried to think of a name, any name of any girl that Bob had dated in the past but she couldn't come up with any. She looked over and saw Kate laughing and kissing Nick on the other side of the deck.

"Go out with you, like do something sometime?" she asked confused by his sudden interest in her.

"No, well yeah, obviously but I want you to be my girl."

Maybe if she was with Bob, it would get Jack's attention. "Yeah," she said thinking it was a good plan. Bob liked her. Maybe the other A-listers would grow to like her, too and her she could go back to being herself, instead of cutter girl.

Suddenly, Bob kissed her on the lips. Elizabeth froze. There were people around and this was happening too fast. She pulled away. "Sorry," she said. "I wasn't really expecting that."

"That's okay," he said kissing her on the forehead. "I didn't mean to scare you off. I just really like you and I've liked you for a long time now."

"Bob, you've never talked to me before tonight."

"I didn't think you would talk to me if I tried to talk to you."

Elizabeth was confused. Her head was spinning between the beer and Bob. "I think it's time for me to go home," she confessed.

"Wait, what's your number?" Elizabeth rattled off her number quickly. She felt her phone immediately vibrate in her pocket. "That's me, texting you my number."

"Ok," she forced a smile. Angela was sitting at the table between all the boys. "I've had enough," whispered Elizabeth. "Can we go home?" Angela nodded. Elizabeth walked over to Kate and said the same thing.

"We're out of here," said Kate.

"Wait, you came with me. I'll take you guys home."

"You've been drinking genius," said Kate. "It's like two miles. Besides, we need to walk off this beer."

The girls started the two-mile walk home. All three of them took off their high heels to make the journey less painful. The first mile was virtually silent. Angela finally demanded Elizabeth tell them the real reason she wanted to leave the party.

"Were you having any fun?" she asked her friends.

"Nick is adorable," said Kate. "I wouldn't have minded making out with him a little longer. I saw you kiss Bob."

"Yeah, that was weird," she said grossed out. Her phone vibrated. It was the sixth text Bob had sent asking how the walk was going. Elizabeth didn't text him back. "See what I mean? He doesn't stop. We've been together for like ten minutes and he's sent seven texts since then. Clearly, I made a mistake."

Angela and Kate laughed at their friend. "Don't get mad, I'm just suggesting that maybe you're a little frustrated because you really wanted to hang out with Jack tonight."

"Nope, that's not it."

"What happened to that jerk anyway?" asked Kate. "He invited us to the party and then ditched us."

"He didn't ditch us," defended Elizabeth. "You heard what Jamie was saying. He was probably just...he's probably just talking to her and figuring things out. If you liked a guy and you told him that wouldn't you want him to talk to you?"

They both agreed. Elizabeth was just friends with Jack. He was right. There was no chance they would ever be more than just friends. It was confusing. One minute he was holding her in his bed and the next he was acting like she was just a girl down the street.

When they got home, Elizabeth's parents were thankfully asleep. All three girls were pretty drunk. Elizabeth and Kate sat on the front porch to smoke while Angela went upstairs to change into her pajamas and get ready for bed.

"What a night!" exclaimed Kate. "Hey," she said grabbing her friends arm. "There's Jack. Go talk to him."

"I don't really have anything to say," muttered Elizabeth.

Kate stood up. "Don't make me," she threatened.

"Fine," she whispered back. Elizabeth didn't have to say anything. Jack had already walked past his house and was making his way across her front lawn.

"I could smell you smokers from a mile away."

"Yeah, well this smoker gets the bathroom next. Thanks for the invite tonight. That was pretty cool of you."

Jack nodded. "No problem." Elizabeth sat down again and Jack sat right next to her. He was fidgeting with his hands.

"Jack, what's wrong?"

"You looked really pretty tonight," he said. "I forgot to tell you that earlier. I guess I'm used to seeing you in your uniform or hanging around out here in everyday clothes. I really like your eyes." He was staring at her.

Elizabeth was nervous. "Yeah, well I was wearing the same shirt as Jamie."

"I didn't notice her shirt," admitted Jack. "So, you and Bob Olsen, huh?"

"Oh...I..."

"I saw you kiss," he said. "It's no big deal. He's liked you since last year."

"I...that doesn't really matter. I barely know him."

"Yeah, sometimes it just doesn't feel right with someone and then it's like other times...." Elizabeth was staring at Jack, staring at the grass. "I meant to say thank you, for last weekend

when you were saying all that stuff about believing in me and how I make you happy."

Elizabeth cleared her throat. "Well, it's true."

"Do you really think I'm going to change the world someday?"

She smiled genuinely. "Yes. I thought that the first night you came over out of nowhere. You're amazing. You know that, right?"

"Only when I'm with you because you make me believe I'm wonderful." Elizabeth felt a lump form in her throat. She wasn't sure why, but she wished it was Jack Bennett she had kissed instead of Bob. "I should go. It's late and I have practice in the morning." Jack leaned over and hugged Elizabeth. "Thank you," he said smiling.

Before he reached his porch, Elizabeth called out to him. "Jack," she shouted. He turned around. "Ebony Mikle once said, 'To the world you might be just one person. But to one person you might be the world."  
"I don't know who Ebony Mikle is but that's a great quote."

CHAPTER 15

"Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are." Rene Renya Sr.

Angela woke the girls the next morning just after nine. "You know how I feel about breakfast," she whined. "I need to eat or I get sick."

"We're up," said Kate.

"I'll drive," suggested Elizabeth. "You can smoke in my car Kate."

"You guys need to cut that shit out," said Angela. "It's gross and terrible for you."

"Yeah, but you won't even smell it in my Jeep." The girls walked to the street where Elizabeth's car was parked. There was a folded sheet of lined paper on the front seat. "Did one of you do this?" Elizabeth unfolded the piece of paper.

"You gotta believe." Young Jeezy

Elizabeth smiled and handed the paper to her friends. "Where'd that come from?" asked Angela curiously.

"Thug Motivation 101 by Young Jeezy," smiled Elizabeth. "It's from Jack."

"You guys are exchanging quotes now?" asked Kate. "You have the strangest friendship."

"Who is Young Jeezy?" asked Angela.

"Dude, you're basically stereotyping," said Kate. "Just because Young Jeezy is a Hip-Hop artist doesn't mean it's from Jack."

"You're right," said Elizabeth sarcastically. "It's probably from Bob."

"Country music Bob?" Kate rolled her eyes.

"Kate!" shouted Angela. "Nick's car is parked across the street."

"So," Kate answered slouching down in the passenger seat.

"So, you were practically sucking the saliva out of his mouth last night," said Elizabeth. Angela laughed. Kate was sitting with her arms folded across her chest. "Oh, come on. It's not that bad. It could totally be worse."

"Like agreeing to go out with Bob?" suggested Angela.

"This is your fault," accused Kate pointing to Elizabeth. "If it wasn't for you trying to get in Jack's crowd, last night wouldn't have happened."

"I am not trying to get in Jack's crowd!" defended Elizabeth. "I don't even like those people!"

"You said Nick wasn't that bad," argued Kate. "Now you're saying you don't even like him."

"You're dating one of them, Liz," reminded Angela.

"Okay, both of you stop. Jack is my friend and he's a nice guy. I'm not trying to be friends with the A-listers. If, he invites us out and if we agree to go, that's okay. Kate, Nick was very nice last night. I'm not saying he's like everyone. In fact, Jack isn't a jerk like most of them so maybe Nick isn't either."

Kate shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Yeah, well, he didn't even know we went to the same school."

"Jack didn't know Elizabeth's name until a few weeks ago and they live next door to each other," Angela reminded her friends.

"Wow," said Elizabeth. "Thanks for that wonderful reminder."

"It's going to be dinner by the time we eat," said Angela. "Can we just argue about this later?"

Elizabeth turned on the car without saying another word. Kate smoked while Angela listened to Young Jeezy on her iPod. Was it possible that a person could exist in more than one world with the popular kids and the regular kids? Elizabeth wasn't thinking about herself, she knew what world she belonged in. It was the same place she wanted to stay. For years, she and her friends always talked about the social pyramid and knew what people belonged where. If someone hangs out with drug addicts or prostitutes, is it because they admire the lifestyle? Or is it because they are a non-judgmental person? Elizabeth wondered if Jack was friends with people like Jamie Johnson because he wasn't judgmental or he was naive about who he socialized with.

"Unless someone has a very hidden lifestyle it matters who your friends are," said Kate breaking the silence. "Your choices speak much about you and why wouldn't they? Being friends with someone means accepting them as they are. So, you either accept their disgusting lifestyle or just don't care enough about it."

"Disgusting lifestyle?" asked Elizabeth. "Like, me?"

"Obviously, not you," said Kate. "I accept what you do because I love you. Angela accepts our smoking because she loves us. We accept her Type A-ness because we love her."

"They say that opposites attract. You can sometimes be drawn to someone who's completely your opposite," said Angela. "Kate, if you like Nick, and Elizabeth, if you like Bob then who says that some stupid social pyramid has to stop you. Neither of them seem to care about social status."

"Sometimes when very different people do get together the relationship doesn't last long because their differences create friction," theorized Kate. "If there's no friction in the relationship then the two people get along together and so they can't be opposites."

Elizabeth considered that. Was she the opposite of Jack or did they really have a lot in common?

CHAPTER 16

**"A friend is someone who understands why you like your strawberry sodas without any strawberries in them." Charlie Brown**

Elizabeth was working on her English Composition paper due Monday. After only a few hours of sleep she was having trouble concentrating. Her cell phone rang. Bob was calling, again. She hadn't returned any of his text messages after the party and she ignored two of his earlier calls. She took a deep breath. "Hello?" she answered.

"Elizabeth!" he sounded excited. She closed her eyes. How could he possibly be this excited? They barely knew each other. "What's good?"

"What's good?" she asked confused. She looked around the room. "Umm...nothing I'm writing a paper for comp class."

"You're a smart girl, huh?"

"What?"

"You're doing homework on a Saturday. I don't pull out my books until Sunday night."

"Oh," she said only half listening to what Bob was saying. "I don't like a time table. I'd rather get it done and enjoy the rest of my weekend."

"Dinner?"

"Dinner, what?" she asked confused again. Was there a secret code she was supposed to memorize before going out with him?

"Dinner, tonight, my favorite restaurant. I want to take you there and show off my new girl."

Elizabeth hesitated for a minute. Normally, on a first date, two people would measure each other up and decide whether or not they wanted to continue seeing each other. Bob was already calling her his girl. What did that mean exactly? Was she his girlfriend? Or a girl he was seeing? Why did he want to show her off? More importantly, who was he showing her off to? Elizabeth looked down at her navy Duke University shorts. There was an old scar along her short line. She pulled it down until the scar wasn't visible any longer. Maybe this was a chance to discover some personal happiness.

"That sounds good," she said.

"I'll be by at seven-thirty. You live next door to Jack right? If I'm looking at his house are you on the right or the left?

"The right," she answered.

"Sweet. See ya." Bob hung up the phone before she could say anything else. Maybe she should have suggested a double date with Nick and Kate.

Elizabeth saved her paper and closed her MacBook. She couldn't wait to take a nap and the last thing she wanted to do was get nervous about her first date with Bob. She wondered if he was someone she would like? It had been about fourteen hours since they started talking and already in her mind things were declining fast. She laughed to herself about how differently things could look when a person was drinking.

"Elizabeth," she heard her name through the open window. She got excited and ran to the window.

"Hey," she said smiling. "What are you doing?"

"Come over," Jack said.

Elizabeth smiled. "You're not sick of me yet?"

"It's football Saturday," he said. "You have to learn if you're going to come watch me play next year."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Is this my only opportunity?"

"We have to start. It's November already. Do you know how many weeks we've missed already this season?"

"Jack, we missed out on thirteen years. I don't think another week is going to hurt. If I don't get a nap in, I'm going to be the one hurting."

"Elizabeth Bailey Bennett, get your boney ass over here."

"You suck!" she shouted walking away from the window. She slipped on flip-flops and stopped in front of her mirror. Her hair was still wet from her shower and she had no make-up on. She turned in front of the mirror to check out her frail body.

"What took you so long?" Jack asked after she knocked on the door.

"My ass is not that boney," defended Elizabeth.

"Come on," said Jack leading her into the family room. "UNC is playing Miami."

"Okay, so I know I'm dumb but why is this game important?"

"It's a conference game!"

"Jack," Elizabeth sighed sitting on the other side of the couch, "I'm not even sure what that means."

"The UNC Tar Heels are in the Atlantic Coast Conference. Duke is in the ACC for football, too, in case you're wondering. If a team in one of the major six conferences have a 10-2 record or better they go to one of the traditional Bowl games, like the Orange Bowl, the Rose Bowl, the Sugar Bowl or the Fiesta Bowl. After the two top teams in the BCS rankings are matched up in the BCS National Championship Game, the other four bowls select other top teams. Each of the bowls has a historic link with one or more of the six BCS conferences, with the one exception, the Big East Conference. They select a team from each of these conferences if it is eligible for a BCS bowl and not playing in the national title game."

"Is that in English?"

Jack laughed. "UNC has a chance to go to the Orange Bowl. They have to beat Miami, though. So, yes, this is a huge game for them."

"So, what's the best Conference?"

"That's an age old discussion mostly about the SEC vs. The Big Ten but most people outside of The Big Ten schools would argue that the SEC is the best conference."

"Okay, I get it," said Elizabeth nodding her head.

"Really?" asked Jack surprised.

"Yeah. Football is a sport that is tough, hard-hitting, and hands on. Boys are mostly raised with the whole 'No Blood, No Tears' idea. Football is an 'I don't care if your foot is facing backwards', you don't cry sport. Hero worship is a large part of the devotion of football fans. You feel something approaching adoration for the men who perform well in the sport they follow. As they age, the heroes of your youth attain almost Greek God status. You start talking about Butch Davis, Fast Willie Parker, the Tar Heels and the Steelers with stars in your eyes."

Jack smiled. "Butch Davis never won a championship at Miami, but he was the driving force behind two of the school's most successful teams in 2001 and 2002. Davis took over a Miami team that was far removed from its past glories and led the Hurricanes to three Big East championships in six years, including an 11-1 season in 2000 and a victory in the Sugar Bowl. Had he stuck around for another year rather than head to the NFL, Davis would have been at the helm for Miami's 2001 national championship team, one of the greatest college football teams of all-time."

"If you could marry Butch Davis, you would," said Elizabeth laughing.

"Okay, what about Dan Devine? Dan Devine is best remembered for his time with Notre Dame, and with Arizona State and Missouri he won three conference titles, finished 10 seasons ranked and won the Orange Bowl and Sugar Bowl. It was at Notre Dame that Devine won his only national championship though, when in 1977 the Irish finished off an 11-1 season with a 38-10 win over Earl Campbell's Texas Longhorns in the Cotton Bowl. Notre Dame finished the year outside of the top 25 only once under Devine's leadership."

"You're hurting my head."

"This is important! Bo Schembechler died in 2006, having never lived down the fact that, despite all his success on the field, he never led Michigan to a national championship. For one of the top coaches in school history, it's a discouraging tale. Schembechler led Michigan to a 194-48-5 record over his 21 years as head coach, winning 13 conference titles, appearing in the postseason top 25 in all but one season and finishing 16 seasons ranked in the top 10."

"That's a sad story, actually. Ok, so who is the greatest college football coach? "

"Joe Paterno is simply a living legend that has roamed the sidelines at Penn State since 1966 and he is the winningest Division I-A coach of all-time, with 400 career wins. Paterno turned Penn State into what it is today. With five undefeated seasons under his belt, two national championships, 14 wins in major bowl games, and only five losing seasons in 45 years, Paterno is undoubtedly one of the all-time greats."

"Is there going to be a quiz now?"

"No, but your ass is kind of boney."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Why are there so many commercials?"

"Bathroom breaks," Jack answered. "Are you going out with Bob tonight?"

Elizabeth looked at Jack surprised. "How do you know?"

"I didn't. I was just asking. It's Saturday. That's a normal date night."

"I'm not really excited about it," said Elizabeth pursing her lips. "He seems nice and all but he's kind of pushy and it's like he's made up his mind about me but I don't know what I think about him yet and I don't know if it's a good idea."

"Nick likes your friend."

"Kate?"

"Yeah, Kate."

"Last night she thought he was nice and today was making comments about him being an A-lister and all that stuff."

"Maybe the four of us should get together one night then, if Bob doesn't care."

Elizabeth laughed. "Who cares what Bob thinks," she said rolling her eyes. Elizabeth looked over at Jack. He was sitting with his elbows on his knees concentrating on the game. It was at that moment that Elizabeth came up with a creative Christmas present for Jack. She needed to purchase two large fleece pieces from the fabric store, one in UNC print and the other in Carolina Blue, the official color of the University of North Carolina and tie the two blankets together. She was sure Jack would love it.

CHAPTER 17

**"The important thing is to not stop questioning; curiosity has its own reason for existing." Albert Einstein**

Bob picked Elizabeth up at exactly seven-thirty sharp in his 2003 Black Volkswagen Jetta. Elizabeth tried not to laugh. She had never seen a straight boy drive a Jetta before. The interior lights were neon purple and red. He met her parents, shook their hands and brought Elizabeth red roses.

As Bob backed out of the driveway, he grabbed Elizabeth's hand and kissed it before hanging on to it the entire time. He was trying to shift his manual car with his left hand as his right hand held hers tightly.

"You don't have to hold my hand while you're driving," she suggested, watching him take his only free hand off the steering wheel when he had to shift.

"I got it," he said confidently. "I'm sitting here next to the most beautiful girl in the world."

She couldn't find the words or the courage to respond. She looked out the window and hoped the date would go fast. Bob drove into Uptown Charlotte, insisting that his favorite restaurant was a jewel within a big city. He parked in close to Villa Francesca, one of the most famous Italian restaurants in Charlotte. Elizabeth had been there on more than several occasions, but she

didn't say anything to Bob, who was excited about the Italian restaurant with hand painted pictures on the walls.

"We'll have the pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and extra pepperoni," he said to the waitress without asking Elizabeth if she liked pepperoni pizza. She smiled and sipped on her water. Bob moved his chair to the same side of the table as Elizabeth. "Isn't this place great? We can go to UNC Charlotte next year and get an apartment right here in Uptown and walk here a few nights a week for dinner." Bob put his arm around Elizabeth.

"Are you going to UNC Charlotte?" she asked.

"Hell yeah. Why would I go anywhere else? This city is great."

Elizabeth grabbed her water and drank what was left of the almost full glass. "I need some more water."

"Sure baby," said Bob standing up. He leaned in and kissed Elizabeth on the cheek. He took her glass and walked back towards the serving station. Bob was a nice guy. He was a little pushy and was so clouded in his own thoughts that he didn't really stop to consider what Elizabeth had wanted so far. It was date one, hour one and Bob was already talking about sharing an apartment Uptown and going to the same college.

He sat back down and put his arm around her again. She couldn't understand why he always had to touch her. "I'm going to Duke," she announced firmly.

"You got in?"

"Well, it's my first choice so I applied for Early Decision. I'll hear in mid-December."

"Are you going to UNC Charlotte if you don't get into Duke?" asked Bob.

"I'm not sure," she answered knowing that no matter what she was leaving Charlotte at the end of the summer to go anywhere away from her home. "I haven't really thought about anything except Duke."

"That's okay baby," he squeezed her. "We can get together on weekends and stuff. You'll come home all the time. Raleigh's not that far."

Elizabeth wondered if Bob was just generalizing or he really didn't know that Duke was in Durham, not Raleigh. Compared to Charlotte, Duke was close to Raleigh, but still a good thirty miles away. She smiled and took a sip of her fresh water. Elizabeth was relieved when the Brooklyn style pizza came out. Maybe Bob would take a few minutes to eat and not talk.

"Isn't my girl gorgeous?" he asked the food runner that brought the pizza out. The teenage boy nodded. Elizabeth blushed from embarrassment. "Sure, she could fill out a little more. I usually like a girl with some more curves but I just can't get enough of this girl. I'm so going to marry her!"

"I could fill out a little more?" Elizabeth asked frustrated that Bob would say that out loud even if he thought it.

"Oh, come on, you know I think you're perfect. You'll get some curves on you."

"And, what if I don't? What if this is me? I'm not Jamie Johnson."

"If I wanted JJ I could have her. I don't want her. I want you. I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "You're perfect and you make me nervous and I'm just excited to be here with you." Elizabeth picked up a piece of pizza with the spatula and placed it on Bob's plate before putting a smaller piece on her own. "Are you mad at me?"

"No," she answered honestly. "I just feel like you've had all this time to decide that you want to be with me and I haven't had any time to think about it. I don't know you, and I just want to take the time to do it right."

"Cool," he said. "I can respect that. My parents are going out of town next weekend. Do you want to spend the weekend together?"

Elizabeth looked at Bob. "No, Bob, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Do you not do that?"

"Do what?" she asked confused.

"Hook up? Spend the night? Have sex? Screw around? Anything?"

"Bob?" she asked quietly. "Is the answer I give you going to weigh the decision on whether or not you want to date me?"

"Absolutely not," he said shaking his head. "I just want to know what I'm getting into. If you're a virgin, it's cool. I'm cool with that. I'm really cool with that. I just want to know so I don't pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do. So are you?"

Elizabeth looked down. This wasn't a question she wanted to answer. She didn't think it was important. It was their first date. He shouldn't ask her to spend the night or the weekend or ask her how far she's gone. Elizabeth wasn't dumb. It had nothing to do with him needing to know. It was none of his business.

"Okay, you don't have to answer," he said kissing her on the cheek again. "I'm cool with whatever you are and whatever you want to do. I just really like you."

After the three hour dinner, Elizabeth insisted she was tired and was ready to go home. Bob held her hand the entire way back to her house. He stopped a few houses away and parked the car on the side of the road. "Well, thank you for a great time," lied Elizabeth. The date wasn't terrible. However, she knew that Bob wasn't the right guy for her. He just wasn't what she wanted. He leaned in and kissed her on the lips. Elizabeth didn't pull back. She kissed him back for a minute. "I should really go," she finally said breaking the octopus like suction cup seal.

Bob pulled in her driveway and parked the car. "This was the best date, Elizabeth. I'm so happy you're my girl." She could see the glow radiating off his pale face.

"Yeah," she lied. Safely inside her house, she closed the door behind her and waived to Bob as he backed out of the driveway. "That was terrible," she mumbled when he was out of sight and went back outside to take her respective seat on the front porch.

"So, how was it?" asked Leighton opening the front door. Elizabeth could see the excitement on her mother's face. For some reason, everyone was all about Bob.

"Yeah, it was okay," she said pulling out a cigarette.

"Are you really smoking? Don't answer that. It was just okay?"

"It wasn't completely exciting or terribly horrific."

Leighton shook her head and closed the door. Elizabeth lit her cigarette and leaned against the porch pillar. She was eighteen years old. Not everyone was lucky enough to meet their soul mate when they were fifteen or eighteen or in college like her parents. There was no reason that Elizabeth couldn't just wait it out. After all, Bob did say he was nervous. Maybe there was a side to him that she hadn't seen yet. Elizabeth decided that being with him a little longer wouldn't be the worst idea. After all, nobody had ever been as excited to be with her as Bob was. He thought she was beautiful and perfect, minus the curves. The best part was, he didn't care about what she had done.

CHAPTER 18

**"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style." Maya Angelou**

Elizabeth woke up early on Monday morning, excited for school. After getting ready, she put a frozen waffle in the toaster and ran back up to her room to find her quote book. She flipped through the first twenty pages of scribbled quotes until she found one that was perfect for the day. She scribbled it on a piece of paper, shoved it in the front pocket of her backpack, grabbed her waffle and was out the door.

The halls were virtually empty when she arrived to Charlotte Academy earlier than usual. She took out the quote and slipped it into the side of Jack's locker. After it disappeared from her sight, she wondered if he would even find it. Jack's locker wasn't the neatest of all the lockers in the hallway. Elizabeth pulled out everything she needed for her morning classes and headed to the library computer to research more quotes.

She was scrolling through a page on motivating quotes when her eyes were covered with small, cold hands. "Guess who, Betch?"

"Umm...let me see, anyone besides Kate?" she answered sarcastically.

"Very funny," she said sitting at the computer next to Elizabeth. "What are you doing?"

"I'm looking up quotes."

"You are such a nerd. How did we even become friends again?"

Elizabeth laughed. "Remember the first day of kindergarten when the teacher told Kyle the creeper to throw his gum out and he stuck it in your hair?"

"That kid was a jerk," frowned Kate. "I wonder what ever happened to Kyle? He probably flunked out or something."

"I was the friend that sat with you in the bathroom while you cried until your mom came to pick you up."

"Hey, that was traumatic," Kate reminded Elizabeth. "They had to cut off all my hair and I insisted on wearing dresses because I looked like a boy."

"You never looked like a boy," giggled Elizabeth.

"On to more important things. Nick Strauss called me last night."

Elizabeth smiled. "And?"

"And, did you give him my number because I didn't."

"I swear I did not give him your number, Betch," laughed Elizabeth. "So, what did he say?"

"He asked if I wanted to go get dinner with you and Jack some night this week," she sighed. "So, I figured if he was bringing you up, then you and your new best friend were probably behind this terrible idea."

"What's so terrible about it? And, maybe I knew that he liked you. Jack mentioned something about the four of us going out sometime if Bob didn't care."

"Geez, you're already making decisions based on Bob?"

"No," defended Elizabeth. "I can do whatever I want.

"Well, why do we have to do a pseudo double date? Why didn't he just ask me out?"

"My bad," said Elizabeth. "When Jack told me Nick liked you I might have sort of said that you made some comments about Nick being an A-lister."

"Oh crap! Why in the world would you repeat that to Jack?"

Elizabeth shrugged her shoulders. "You're right, that was stupid. I'll fix it."

Kate looked at the computer monitor Elizabeth was sitting in front of. "For years we've been saying we don't belong in their world. All of a sudden, you start talking to Jack Bennett and everything changes. You spend time every night studying together. You have the most random conversations around the outside of your houses. You even spent an entire night with him. In a matter of weeks you have completely changed your opinion about him."

"Come on Kate, it's not like that. It's just when did we become the type of people that couldn't talk to other people based on their reputations?"

"Nick didn't even know we went to the same school. Now you're dating Bob Olsen. You've done a complete one-eighty on me. Look, I'm not complaining about it. I trust you. If you trust Jack and you really believe Jack is a good guy then I'll give Nick a chance because he's Jack's friend. I promise, all stereotypes aside."

"Thank you," said Elizabeth. "Not that I care what your decision is but I think that Nick might have something good to offer. Between you and me, I think Bob's kind of a dud. He's made no effort to really get to know me but he has all these crazy presumptions about us."

"He kind of seems like a tool," Kate said.

Elizabeth nodded. She parted ways with Kate and headed to the other side of school where her Calculus class was located. Jack ran in the classroom just as the bell rang behind him.

"Mr. Bennett, why don't you leave your house three minutes earlier so you can be ready when class starts?"

"Traffic," he said. "I'm sorry. I'll be better." Elizabeth smiled at Jack. "I had to stay up to see the whole Sunday Night Football game and then I had to finish my Government paper that I forgot about," he whispered to her.

"Hooke's law states that the force required to stretch a spring is directly proportional to the amount stretched or  . F = Force. s = distance stretched. k = spring stiffness constant or the Force required to stretch spring a unit distance. Graph this function for k=1000 N/m. Calculate the change in force required to stretch the spring from 1m to 4 m."

Jack threw a folded up piece of paper on Elizabeth's desk. She opened it up. It was the quote she had put in his locker earlier that morning. " **It is what we make of whatever we encounter that determines the outcome. What we choose to see, what we choose to save. And what we choose to remember.** \- Linda Olsson"

"Hey," he whispered, "that's a good quote. I'm keeping it." Elizabeth folded it back up and tossed it back on his desk.

"What is the change in force, Elizabeth?" Ms. Petrova looked annoyed. "Are you both going to pay attention? Give me the note," she demanded. Jack handed it to her and looked down at his desk. "This, this is what is distracting you two? It's a good quote. I thought for a second the whole class was going to learn you were writing love notes." The class erupted in laughter. "Come up here Jack and write your quote on the board for the entire class to see."

Jack slowly got out of his seat and walked to the whiteboard. He picked up a marker and turned to Ms. Petrova. "Are you serious?"

"Very," she said sternly handing him the paper. "Write." Jack wrote the quote on the whiteboard. "Good. Sit down. Elizabeth, who is Linda Olsson?" Elizabeth turned bright red. "Did you write this quote?"

"Yes," she answered nervously.

"But, you don't know anything about the woman you're quoting?" She shook her head slowly. "Linda Olsson was born in Stockholm, She has lived around the world but made her permanent home with her husband in Auckland, New Zealand. She earned a bachelor of arts in English and German. In addition to her first novel, Olsson has written short stories and travel pieces. She said this about her first book: 'In a sense perhaps the book is a love letter to the country where I was born. Perhaps it is a letter of farewell. But, more importantly, I think it is a book about friendship'. Tomorrow, you will bring the class a quote and tell us something about the person who wrote it."

"Could that have been any more embarrassing?" Elizabeth asked as she walked with Jack to their composition class. "I mean she totally ruined that quote. It's not like I didn't know who said it. I just didn't know her entire life story."

"She definitely ruined that quote," agreed Jack. "I'll take care of tomorrow. She'll end this stupid punishment when I'm done with my quote."

"What are you going to do?"

"You'll see, tomorrow," he promised.

Jack Bennett confidently arrived to Calculus class ten minutes before the bell rang. Elizabeth looked at him. "Are you on drugs?"

"Not today," he laughed unrolling a poster.

"You're making me nervous," she admitted. "Are you going to get us in trouble?"

"No, she didn't specify who the quote could be by. She didn't say an author or a politician. She just said to bring the class a quote. Just write this on the board."

After the class filed in and the bell rang, Ms. Petrova asked Jack and Elizabeth to come to the front of the room for their presentation. Elizabeth could barely contain her laughter as she wrote the words, "You Gotta Believe by Young Jeezy" on the whiteboard while Jack taped a poster of Young Jeezy next to the quote.

Jack smiled and started his speech, "Jay Wayne Jenkins was born on October 12, 1977. He is better known by his stage name Young Jeezy," beamed Jack. The students began clapping for the popular classmate. "On March 11, 2005, Jeezy was arrested after an alleged shooting involving some of his friends in Miami Beach, Florida. He was charged with two counts of carrying a concealed firearm without a permit; however, prosecutors dropped his charges two months later over lack of evidence. In the early hours of September 29, 2007, Jeezy totaled his Lamborghini when it was hit by a taxi outside of a restaurant in Atlanta. In Atlanta on June 18, 2008, police arrested him for a DUI."

"Alright, you two," said Ms. Petrova. "I appreciate your amazing effort on this project. I can see you took it so seriously. No more passing notes, quotes, anything in my class. We are here to learn Calculus so all my bright students can have stunning futures."

In the hallway after class, Jack had become an instant hero. People were thanking him, congratulating him and shaking his hand on a job well done. Elizabeth was shocked at how quickly word had gotten out about Jack's presentation on Young Jeezy. He was like a magnet that people couldn't get enough of. She wondered if that was a perk of being part of the A-list or if it was a perk of being Jack Bennett.

CHAPTER 19

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe

After study hall, Elizabeth walked to her locker to drop off her backpack and head outside for lunch. Just as she passed the B Hallway, Bob grabbed her arm, pinned her against the locker and planted an unexpected kiss on her lips. "Come on," he said pulling her arm down the hallway.

"I'm going to lunch," said Elizabeth not wanting to go with him.

"I know," he answered. "We're eating together today."

"Bob, that's really sweet but I usually eat outside by my favorite tree." Elizabeth looked forward to her peaceful lunches alone.

"Where?" asked Bob. "Never mind, today you're eating lunch with me. We don't have any classes together. It's the only time I get to see my girl."

Elizabeth began following her boyfriend down the hall towards the cafeteria. The A-listers always sat in the back corner at three different tables. Bob was back in his routine. He had his arm around Elizabeth in a death grip. She tried to walk side by side with him but he was trotting along, ignoring everyone that he didn't know along the way. Elizabeth spotted Angela and Kate at a table along the windows with a few other friends of theirs.

"I should go say hi to my friends," suggested Elizabeth.

Bob looked at her as though she had just spoken a foreign language. "Do you know how much I had to beg just to get you a seat at my table with me? If you walk over there, you'll never get a second chance." Elizabeth didn't want a first chance. She was content with her old life. "That's my girl," he encouraged as she gave in. The couple made their way across the cafeteria to the popular section. Elizabeth felt that all eyes in the cafeteria were on her. "Jamie, what table do you want us at?"

Jamie forced a smile. "At my table, of course," she said picking up her tray and moving to the other side next to Jack. "We haven't had a newcomer at our table since Liam Coyne transferred last year, isn't that right, Liam?" Liam shook his head while chewing his cheeseburger. Jamie picked up a French fry and swirled it around her Ketchup before finally eating it in three bites. "Elizabeth, I haven't heard anything about your collegiate applications. Where did you apply next year?"

"I applied to Duke," she answered pulling out her bag of carrots.

"Wow," said Jamie smiling. "Duke is a good school. I applied to Yale. I'm not worried. I have a 4.0. I've been class president all four years. I'm captain of the varsity cheerleading squad. I've been part of the National Honor Society, and Model United Nations. What about you? What extracurricular activities do you have to boost your chances of getting into Duke?"

Elizabeth swallowed. Jamie Johnson didn't care where she was going to school. Jamie was trying to humiliate Elizabeth by pretending to be nice. "I played golf and I do forty hours of community service every year."

"You didn't play golf this year, though, did you?" Elizabeth shook her head. "I'm sorry. I hope it doesn't hurt your chance of getting in. Was it because of all the issues you're having?"

"She doesn't have issues, Jamie," interjected Jack.

"I like that you're so protective of her," smiled Jamie. "You guys would make a cute couple, don't you think so, Bob?" Bob threw one of Elizabeth's carrots at Jamie. "Oh, come on Bob, don't be such a poor sport. After all, we could do a swap for a night. You and me and Jack and Elizabeth, what do you think? You've always wanted me," she bit her lower lip.

"I have to go," said Elizabeth throwing her carrots back in her lunch bag. "Thanks for sharing your table."

"Where are you going?" Bob shouted after her.

Elizabeth ran down the hallway, out the back doors where she could find solace under her favorite tree. She couldn't believe she had voted for Jamie Johnson as school president four years in a row. Elizabeth closed her eyes once she got to her beloved spot. The warm sun reflected off her face despite the sixty-degree December temperature.

"I'm sorry," said Bob taking a seat next to Elizabeth. "I had no idea she was going to act like that."

"It's fine," lied Elizabeth. She knew Jamie would try to humiliate her. She should have never agreed to eat lunch in there. "I don't think I'm very welcome with your friends."

"No, my friends are cool. They all like you."

"Bob, if you ate lunch with my friends, they would never try to humiliate you. They would ask you questions, but not make you feel bad. They would be excited for you no matter where you wanted to go to school. They wouldn't try to one up you by talking about their own accomplishments. Everyone gets it. Jamie is gorgeous, smart, and talented, she's everything. She doesn't need to point that out."

"Did you give Jack the same speech when he brought you to the party when we met? I was just trying to show you off. They honestly like you. They don't like losers, but you're not a loser, you're my girl."

"What about my friends? Are they losers?"

Bob stood up. "You know who your friends are. There is nothing wrong with them, but they don't belong on our world."

"What world is that?" snapped Elizabeth. "There is no our world Bob. Don't you understand that? Everyone belongs in the same world. The only difference is you think you exist in a superior world because of the way you treat people. You have exclusive parties, and you exclude people from your lunch table, and you walk around school only talking to people inside your own clique. The truth is most people don't want to be part of that. Did you ever consider that maybe you're not alienating people, they are alienating you?"

Bob started laughing. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! Can they get into bars? Can they buy beer? Can they throw a party without the nerds finding out? Can they get laid whenever they want? Can they even get laid at all? Elizabeth, you don't belong with them. You belong with me. I can give you that world if you just let me. Alienate me? That's the funniest thing I've heard all year."

Elizabeth buried her face in her hands. All she wanted was to put her mistakes behind her and be respected by everyone for who she was, not what she had done. She didn't want to exist in a world where people were squashed like cockroaches.

CHAPTER 20

**"When you're with someone, you trust in never needing to pretend; someone who helps you to know yourself, you know you're among friends." Amanda Bradley**

It was December sixteenth. There was one week left in school before Christmas Break. Elizabeth could hardly contain her excitement. She imagined sleeping in every morning, making cinnamon French toast, eating colorfully decorated Christmas cookies that turned her teeth colors and watching lots of movies.

Now that the weather was cooler, Elizabeth had put on the soft cover to her Jeep Wrangler. It felt like she was driving any other vehicle on the road. She felt boxed in, just like she did in her own life sometimes. She parked her car in front of her house, in her usual spot and ran to the mailbox. She had been checking the mail every day for the last few weeks looking for her early decision letter from Duke. Elizabeth was so mentally exhausted worrying about the decision that she was ready to give up and start applying to other schools. She opened the mailbox, and to her excitement, there was a large envelope from Duke University in her mailbox.

Elizabeth stood frozen, holding the envelope in her hands. Now that the moment she had anticipated for so long was here, she didn't know what to do with it. What if she got in? All of her hard work would have been worth it! What if she didn't get in? She would be an epic failure. Where would she go? This was her dream. She didn't have more time to create new dreams.

"Open it you wimp," said Jack walking up his front lawn towards her.

"What if it's a rejection letter?"

"Rejection letters only come in small envelopes. They're not going to send you a bunch of brochures and waste postage if they're rejecting you."

"You do it," she said handing him the envelope.

"Elizabeth, you should be the one to open it," said Jack shaking his head. "You've been waiting for this for years. That Duke University pennant has been hanging in your room since you were ten."

Elizabeth was shocked. "You know when I got that?"

"Just open it already," said Jack. "You're starting to make me nervous!"

Elizabeth took a deep breath. She closed her eyes and felt the glued flap of the envelope with her thumb. She slid her thumb in the tiny opening on the side and quickly tore open the envelope discarding it on the grass below her. Carefully, she held the paper and waited.

"You have to open your eyes to see what it says."

"Just tell me," she begged.

"No," he laughed. "Do it!"

Elizabeth opened one eye and looked down at the paper on top. "I got in," she said quietly. "Oh my gosh, I got in. I GOT IN!"

Jack picked her up and swung her around in a circle. "I knew you could do it!"

"I really did it! I got into Duke! I have to call Angela and Kate!"

Jack put her down. "And Bob?" he asked.

"Bob?"

"Your boyfriend," he said looking at her curiously.

"I know who Bob is," she defended. "I guess he wasn't really on the list. I don't really think he's going to be happy for me."

"Okay, no Bob then. You better go start on your phone calls."

"Yeah! Thanks! Oh wait!" Jack stopped walking. "Do you have a pair of scissors I can borrow?"

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," he said.

"It's for Christmas presents. My mom got me child proof ones. They cut paper just fine but I'm making something that I need to cut fabric with and I need real scissors."

"Hold on," he said. He came back out with a pair of scissors. "You better be using them for Christmas."

Elizabeth hugged Jack. "I promise. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm good."

CHAPTER 21

**"There are millions of people in this world, but in the end it all comes down to one." Crazy/Beautiful**

Elizabeth looked out her bedroom window on Christmas Eve. Snowflakes were floating around the sky. It was quite rare that Charlotte ever had decent amounts of snow. They were lucky to get three inches a year. There was something magical about the snow this Christmas Eve. All of the trees on the street were lined in green lights and white lights around the trunks. The houses were beautifully decorated in sparkling lights, animated dancing reindeers and Christmas trees could be seen through the windows.

Elizabeth put on a pair of rubber boots, her sweatshirt robe and grabbed a blanket. She stepped out on the front porch, sitting down to watch the snowfall. The beauty surrounding Elizabeth was surreal. She lit a cigarette and reached out her hand to touch the snow. A tiny flake glided onto the palm of her hand and quickly melted.

Elizabeth's serenity was ruined by the sound of a bouncing basketball. She stood up and went over to the porch railing. She heard the bouncing coming from behind the house. Elizabeth walked up her driveway until she could see the back of the Bennett's driveway. Jack was shooting a basketball.

"Hey," call Elizabeth. "People are trying to sleep."

Jack caught his own rebound and looked at her standing there. "I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

She shook her head. "Nope. I always try to stay up Christmas Eve in case it snows." Jack walked over to her, pulled

the cigarette out of her hands and threw it on the ground. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"You need to quit that shit," he said, "or you're going to end up like my mom, a smoker for life."

"Oh, come on, it makes me feel better," she said lighting another one. He just looked at her and went back to shooting his basketball. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing," he said stubbornly shooting the ball. "I'm fine."

Elizabeth grabbed the bouncing basketball before Jack could get to it. "We both know there is no such thing as fine. So, tell me what the real problem is."

"I'm just stressed," he admitted. She threw him the ball and he threw it back at her. She motioned for him to continue. "Dammit, Elizabeth," he said walking to his back porch. "How do you just know these things?"

"Because I know you," she said. "I pay attention to you and right now, you're not the Jack I know. Talk to me. You always said it was okay for me to talk to you."

Jack sighed. "Let's go the front. We can see all the lights from there." Jack and Elizabeth walked side by side down the Bennett's wet driveway to the front porch. "Do you think next year is going to be like you planned?" he asked.

"I don't really think anyone is capable of predicting the future but I think we have the power to make it what we want."

"Pancake breakfasts?" he asked.

"Absolutely. Movie nights?"

"For sure. We can take turns driving home on holidays."

"Jack, are you scared?" He put his arm around her and pulled her back until she was lying on his chest.

"Sorry, I was getting cold. You're really warm right now," he said. "Yeah, I'm scared. I'm getting this scholarship to play football. What if I'm not good enough?"

"You are good enough," she encouraged. "Jack, you work hard at everything you do. You didn't get where you are by slacking."

"What if it doesn't work?" he asked. "I don't think I can do this without you. I need you there, at all my home games. I need to know you're there."

"Jack, you don't need me."

"My entire family loves you," he said. "They all think you're responsible for my collegiate future because you helped me in Calculus out of nowhere when nobody else would."

"I didn't do anything. We just studied."

"Yeah, well they think you're like a miracle or something." He gently rubbed her back. "Elizabeth, you have no idea what you've done for me. You've given me an opportunity I wasn't sure I was going to get. You've given me choices. I have a shot at a better future because of you."

"Jack, it wasn't me. It was always you."

"How can you believe in me so much?"

Elizabeth touched Jack's cheek. "I can see it in your eyes every single day. You're one of the single most important people in my life. You're one of the most extraordinary people I know. I'll never give up on you. I promise. I believe in you way too much. I

honestly believe you're going to change the world someday Jack Bennett. Even if you can't see it, I can."

Jack didn't answer her. Elizabeth's eyes welled up with tears. She wasn't even sure why she was getting so emotional. Minutes of silence went by. All of a sudden, Jack gazed directly into Elizabeth's eyes. The tears stopped falling and she felt Jack holding her hands. They were lying so close that Elizabeth's heart skipped a beat and she wondered if Jack could feel it. Jack started to lean in slowly and then paused. Her heart was pounding louder and faster with every second. She looked down and gently bit her lip, afraid of what would happen if she looked up.

Jack's hand grazed her chin gradually, lifting her face upward until their eyes met again. Elizabeth slowly closed her eyes. Jack leaned in and kissed her. It was slow and gentle at first. And then it became more passionate and involved. There was no turning back. Elizabeth moved her tongue somewhat forward and Jack responded slightly, caressing her tongue with his. He passionately moved his tongue over her lips in a non-intrusive manner. The kiss lasted for several minutes until Elizabeth suddenly pulled back and touched her lower lip.

"What are you doing?" asked Jack. "Did you fall asleep?"

Elizabeth was disoriented. She looked at Jack still lying on the porch and realized she had been dreaming about kissing him. She sat up abruptly. "Oh crap," she said.

"What?"

"I...I must have fallen asleep," she said embarrassed. "I should go."

"Wait," he said taking her hand. "I don't really want to be alone tonight."

"Jack," she started crying. "I...I..."

"Why are you crying?" he held her close. She could feel his heart beating through his chest. "What happened? Did I say something wrong?" Elizabeth shook her head. "I'll give you a blanket to make a mold."

Elizabeth let out a laugh. She wiped the tears from her eyes. "Come on," she said taking his hand. "I have something for you."

"I didn't..."

"We have to be very quiet." They slowly walked up the stairs to Elizabeth's room. She locked the door behind her. "What time does your family wake up tomorrow?"

"Eight probably," he answered.

"I have a two year old brother who will be up at six," she said. Elizabeth opened her closet door and retrieved a large box wrapped in metallic University of North Carolina wrapping paper with a Carolina blue bow on top. She smiled handing it to Jack. "Merry Christmas."

Jack held the box for a minute. "You didn't have to..."

"Yes, I did," she said. "Open it. It's technically Christmas."

"My first present," said Jack quietly. He stuck the bow to his forehead and grinned. He carefully unwrapped the paper so it wouldn't tear. "I'm hanging this paper on my wall. Where did you find it?"

"I ordered it," she answered.

After Jack broke the box free of the wrapping paper, he opened the taped box, removed the navy blue tissue paper and pulled out a University of North Carolina Tar Heels oversized blanket that was tied together with Carolina blue on the bottom.

Jack's eyes widened. "Are you kidding?" She shook her head. "Where did you get this?" he said excitedly.

"I made it," she answered. "I mean I bought the blankets but I put them together to make it thicker. That's why I needed your scissors."

"You know what?"

"What?"

"This would make a great mold," laughed Jack.

"Are you making fun of me?"

"No, I'm serious. I really like the whole mold thing. I don't know why you call it that but it's much better than a pillow. Truthfully, I sleep with the same pillow I've had since I was six. It's kind of gross, but I'll never give it up. And, I wrap a blanket around my head when I sleep & fold my pillow under my head." Elizabeth smiled, took off her robe and boots and climbed into bed. Jack took off his shirt and got in next to her. She molded her blanket while he prepared his new blanket. "Hey," he said.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you. That was really thoughtful of you. I love it a lot. I can even wear it around like a cape."

Elizabeth laughed. "You're welcome."

"Hey," he said again.

"Why didn't you want to tell Bob about Duke?"

"Oh," she mumbled. "No matter how many times I tell him I'm leaving Charlotte for college he thinks I'm going to end up at UNC Charlotte with him."

"Why are you with him then?" Elizabeth turned to face Jack. He pulled her close against his bare chest.

"Would you accept 'I'm not really sure' as an answer?" she muttered.

"Yeah, I mean no. You can do so much better than him."

"It's like if someone can't have what they really want then shouldn't they just be content with what they have instead of having nothing?"

"Do you think he would care?"

"Care about what?" she asked.

"Care that he knew I was in your bed holding you?"

Elizabeth swallowed hard. She could feel Jack's breath on her forehead. Her head was nuzzled in his neck. Her left arm was under his head and her right arm was holding him so her hand was resting on his bareback. Elizabeth thought about her earlier dream. It would be so easy to kiss Jack Bennett right now. Two people could not be any closer than they were at this moment. She wondered if Jack had the urge to kiss her the way she wanted to kiss him. His touch was electric. She was drawn to him like a strong magnet that pulled her in, mind, heart and body. Her body felt fulfilled from her toes up to her head. It was that moment that Elizabeth had a moment of clarity. She didn't want to be anywhere else, especially not with Bob. Bob never made her feel this good. Jack was able to make her heart feel an emotion she had never felt before. An emotion that she never dreamt she would feel for a very long time.

"Yeah," she whispered. "He would care." Jack was her everything. They understood each other in a way that nobody else could. She couldn't stop thinking about him. She wanted him to hold her and she wanted to hold on to him for the rest of her life.

Elizabeth couldn't stop thinking about his perfection. She couldn't get him out of her head. He was under her skin and deep in her heart.

"Do you want me to go? I don't care about Bob, but I care about you what you want."

"No, don't ever let me go," she whispered.

CHAPTER 22

**"Just because a friendship or relationship ends does not mean that the other person is a bad person. Nor does it mean that the other person is crazy. Nor does it mean that the other person never cared about you or any of those things we often say. It simply means that it wasn't meant to work out and though it is horrible and unfortunate and sometimes heartbreaking, it's not the end of the world. Other friends will come along, other boyfriends and girlfriends will come along. **Sometimes things just aren't meant to be.** **And that has to be okay** **. It has to be okay because otherwise what do we have?"** Samantha Mott**

"It's a back to school party," said Bob.

"Isn't it a New Year's Eve party if it's on New Year's Eve?" asked Elizabeth.

Bob looked deep in thought. Elizabeth tried not to act annoyed. All she wanted to do was lay in Jack's arms. Her emotions were confusing. On any given moment she could change her mind about what she wanted. She was absolutely positive that she liked Jack, as more than just a good friend. However, she wasn't sure that she wanted to be in a relationship with him. It was all too confusing to her. The bottom line was that Elizabeth was sure that Jack's feelings for her were just platonic. It was an impossible battle between her head and her heart. All she knew was that she wasn't going to tell Jack how she really felt for fear of changing their friendship.

"Yeah, well, it's at my house, so I can call it what I want," defended Bob. Elizabeth nodded at him. It was hard to converse with him. He could be so animated about the smallest things while avoiding things that were significantly more important. "Does it sound stupid calling it a back to school party?"

"Nope," answered Elizabeth. "I was just checking."

"Checking why?"

"Bob, it doesn't matter what you call the party," she smiled. "It's your party. You can call it whatever you want. You can crank up the heat, move in some sand, and fill a kiddy pool if you want and call it a beach party for all anyone cares."

"A beach party," he was deep in thought. Elizabeth crossed her legs and tried to unscramble the celebrity name on the movie theatre screen in her head while Bob thought about what he wanted to name the party. He had given her a UNC Charlotte t-shirt and sweatshirt for Christmas telling her that when she wore them it would be for one or two reasons. The first was that her absolutely gorgeous boyfriend was going to UNC Charlotte and the second that was that she was going there with him. The second was never going to come true, but Elizabeth wasn't going to crush his dreams. She was a dreamer not a dream killer. "You're spending the night, right?" She nodded. "Good. Do you want to sleep in my room or my parent's room?"

"Don't you think it's creepy sleeping in your parent's room?"

"Better than strangers hooking-up in there."

"Well, Angela and Kate are staying, too, remember?"

"Yeah, but not with us," Bob said putting his arm around Elizabeth. "Look, Kate can stay with Nick somewhere and Angela

can hook up with someone or pass out where she wants. It's not my responsibility."

"They're my friends," said Elizabeth. "I'm staying where they stay."

Bob openly rolled his eyes. "There's a small computer room off my parent's room. They can sleep there."

He leaned in for a kiss. Elizabeth closed her eyes, hoping it would be quick. She heard the previews begin playing in the background and pulled back. "No kissing during the movie," she quickly said.

"The movie hasn't started."

"I like the previews," she admitted. "It's part of the movie."

"Do you intentionally try not to be close to me?"

She shook her head. It was something she had tried to figure out so often. There was nothing wrong with Bob, other than he was arrogant, self-centered, and egotistical. From day one, Elizabeth did not like him, but she continued to date him for reasons she couldn't begin to comprehend. Part of her thought, if she continued to date Bob, the relationship would end naturally, and by that time, she would be over Jack Bennett.

Elizabeth pulled her long brown hair up above her head before letting it fall past her shoulders. She put a dark brown rubber band on her wrist next to her watch in case she changed her mind about wearing her hair down. Bob had taken Elizabeth up on her suggestion and decided to throw a beach party in his parent's house instead of the back to school party he had originally thought of. She had spent the last day, helping him purchase plastic pink flamingos, beach balls, pool rafts, and colored umbrellas for drinks. Against her advice, he purchased bags of sand and dumped them on the basement carpet for sand volleyball, thinking he could vacuum the sand up before his parents ever found out. Elizabeth was worried the sand would stick to people and end up all over the house. Then again, she didn't care that much so she let him do whatever he wanted.

"This is such a stupid idea," said Kate stretched across Elizabeth's bed under the comforter. "It's forty-five degrees outside, right now and your window's open. Am I supposed to wear sweats over my bikini to the party and then change into my wife beater, straw skirt, and flip flops when I get there?"

"Looking good baby," the girls heard from out the window.

Angela walked over to the window in her bikini top and jeans. "Nick," she called through the open window. He was dancing in front of Jack's window.

"Angie, where's my girlfriend?" Kate never openly admitted she was in a relationship with Nick and she never referred to him as her boyfriend but over the course of the last month rumors around school started that Nick was slumming it, giving even the geeks belief anyone could break the social barriers down.

Kate walked over to the window smiling. "Hey, baby!"

"We should drive separately," suggested Angela.

"Why?" asked Elizabeth. "You can't drive if you're drinking. Besides, Liam Coyne is definitely staying overnight and you have a thing for him and he has a thing for you."

"He has a thing for me?"

"According to Bob, but it's supposed to be a secret."

"I thought Liam and Jamie were together now?" asked Kate. Elizabeth shrugged her shoulders.

"Nope, she's all over him depending on who's around but she wants Jack because he won't give her the time of day," he answered.

"No, not true," Jack yelled in the background being modest. "She doesn't want me. She just thinks she does."

"Did you tell Bob I thought Liam was hot?"

"No," she said offended that Angela was questioning her loyalty. "I wouldn't tell him that. Even I think Liam is hot. And, you know I don't even care about Bob."

"Who do you care about?" Nick shouted through the window.

Kate was dancing and pointing towards Jack's window. "Kate!" she snapped.

Bamboozlement overcame Nick's face. "I don't get why you're pointing at me?"

"We're closing the window now," hollered Angela. "This is stupid. We'll see you in less than ten minutes."

"Keep the blinds open if you're not done changing," Nick said as Angela closed the window and let down the blinds.

Elizabeth threw her toothbrush and toothpaste in her bag on top of the pajamas and clothes for the following day which were already packed. She wasn't excited about the party. Staying at home, watching a movie, by herself was more appealing than partying with people she didn't know that well and her boyfriend who intended on getting drunk. She threw her Betsey Johnson overnight bag over her shoulder and walked downstairs, leaving Angela and Kate to finish getting ready. Dropping her bag at the front door, she went to find her mom to tell her they were leaving. Leighton was sitting at the kitchen table writing Colby's dinner and bedtime for the babysitter that would be arriving soon. Elizabeth sat down at the table in her grass skirt. Her fake pink hibiscus lei hung around her neck over her white tank top.

"Are you leaving?" Leighton asked suddenly turning her attention to her daughter. "You can't walk out of the house like that."

"Mom, I told you it's a beach party," answered Elizabeth expecting that her mother would comment on her outfit. "All the girls and guys are dressing the same. That's the whole point to a theme party."

"I know what a theme party is, Elizabeth. Put a jacket on or something. What time are you coming home?"

"We're sleeping at Kate's house, remember?"

Leighton shook her head. "You're driving to the party?"

"No, mom, Nick's driving us to the party and then to Kate's house after."

Elizabeth could feel her mother's eyes staring right through her. Did her mom believe her? Elizabeth knew she wasn't going to do anything her mom would disapprove of, but it was the point of actually admitting they were going to spend the night at a house full of drunken idiots. She was aware that this year she had become a disappointment in her mother's eyes, but she had rebelled against her controlling mother, and was starting to feel better. The last few weeks things had been relatively peaceful, so Elizabeth did not want to rock the boat.

"Isn't Kate's car here?"

Elizabeth tried to remember if Kate's car was outside. "No," she answered quickly. "She came with Angela."

"No," corrected Leighton. "I distinctly remember Angela being here first and then Kate showed up at least a half hour later."

"Mom," stalled Elizabeth, "Kate did come with Angela, she just...was...she went next door to see Nick before she came in the house."

"Hey Mrs. B," echoed Angela and Kate walking into the kitchen.

"Kate, where's your car?" Leighton asked.

"My car?" asked Kate confused. She quickly looked at Elizabeth.

"Mom," said Elizabeth panicked. "I told you, her car is at her house so she can drive us home tomorrow morning."

"Yeah, that's the plan so my car is definitely at my house," answered Kate. Elizabeth looked at Angela with wide eyes and Angela slowly backed out of the kitchen.

"I could have sworn I saw your car in front of my house," questioned Leighton.

Kate laughed uncomfortably. Elizabeth needed to stall. She knew her mother all, too, well. "Okay, so we're leaving now and we'll be at Kate's tonight and she will drive me home tomorrow."

"Do you girls have jackets? It's cold outside."

"I think I left mine upstairs, I'll be right back," said Kate. "Wait here for me."

"Where did Angela go?" Leighton asked her daughter. Elizabeth shrugged her shoulders. "Well, go get your jacket out of the closet." Elizabeth could feel her mother on her heels as she slowly made her way down the hall to the foyer. In no hurry, she opened the closet door, touched her black North Face Fleece jacket and turned to her mom.

"Do you think I need a hat and gloves?"

"It's not snowing, Elizabeth. But it's not bikini and grass skirt weather. Just get the jacket." Angela walked back in the front door just as Kate was making her way back down the stairs. "Good, I'll walk you girls out."

Elizabeth swallowed hard. As soon as her mother opened the front door and saw Kate's car sitting in the street behind her Jeep, it was going to be all over. She wasn't sure why they hadn't planned this out earlier or why she hadn't been smarter about the location of Kate's car. She held her breath as they walked outside. Nick was standing on the front porch picking up the girl's bags. Leighton walked right past him to the middle of the lawn. To Elizabeth's delight Kate's car was gone from the front of the house.

"Told you," said Elizabeth with attitude. "That was so unnecessary." She marched across the front lawn behind Nick with her friends following closely behind. Jack ran down the driveway to Nick's car as the girls were filing in the backseat one at a time.

"How did you pull that off?" Elizabeth asked.

"Angela came out and said we had to move Kate's car a street over before your mom came out," answered Jack.

"Drop me off at my car before Elizabeth's mom calls the neighborhood watch to search for it. I'll just drive separately so I can legitimately drop the girls off tomorrow and nobody has to lie about it." Kate looked at Elizabeth. "Your mom so knew. She's got some sort of radar or something."

"Did you guys eat yet?" asked Nick. "We're starving."

"I'm in a grass skirt," complained Kate. "I'm not going to dinner."

"Put pants on," suggested Angela. "No, we didn't eat, but we should."

"Drive thru or sit down," asked Jack laughing at the girls in the back.

"I don't want fast food," said Elizabeth. "Let's just go to that old diner or something. Every place is going to be crowded."

Kate got out of her car and followed everyone to the old diner five minutes away. Elizabeth was trying not to feel self-conscious about the grass skirt she was wearing. She pulled her fleece jacket down as far as it would go. Both Jack and Nick were wearing board shorts, wife beaters, flip -lops and sunglasses. They received as many stares as the girls, which helped Elizabeth feel less awkward.

After dinner, it was difficult finding two parking spots near Bob's house. Elizabeth couldn't believe how many people were already at the party. Elizabeth walked in the house behind Jack. Bob was standing in the living room, shirtless, talking, while beer was spilling out of the top of his cup. She darted into the living room to grab his cup before he made a bigger mess than he already had.

"Hey," she said taking his beer. She noticed his unusually flushed face. "Are you okay?"

"No. I've been waiting for you for hours." Bob snatched the beer out of Elizabeth's hand, threw the full clear plastic cup over his shoulder and tackled her to the ground. He tried to kiss her, but

she wouldn't allow it. She turned her head and pushed his face back as far as it would go.

"Stop," she said. "You're drunk. Get off me."

"Oh, come on, stop being a baby," he laughed. She could hear laughing from all around her, including Bob. "You're my girlfriend," he whispered into her ear. "I can be on you whenever I want. I want you right now. Let's go upstairs."

Elizabeth saw Jack walk into the living room out of the corner of her eye. She extended her hand towards him. Without hesitation, he ran towards her. Jack grabbed Bob's arm and lifted him off of Elizabeth, dropping him on his side. He took Elizabeth's shaking hands and helped her up. She stood behind him, holding on to his shirt.

"That's crap!" shouted Bob standing up pointing at Jack. "I was just fucking around with her."

"She didn't look like she wanted to be fucked with."

"She's my girlfriend," yelled Bob. "Stay out of my relationship."

Jack nodded. "You're drunk, Bob. Nobody likes a stupid drunk."

Elizabeth let go of Jack's shirt and walked out of the room. She didn't want to see or hear Bob right now. She walked into kitchen, grabbed a blue Jell-O shot off the table, slammed the shot down and threw the miniature plastic cup on the ground. Elizabeth had no intention of helping Bob clean up. Kate was dancing in the family room with Nick. There was no sign of Angela. Elizabeth took two more Jell-O shots and walked out to the backyard through the sliding glass door. The cold air immediately hit her bare legs.

There were several people outside smoking on the patio. Elizabeth stepped off the patio and made her way to the side of the house across the damp grass. Her toes were almost numb by the time she found a spot alone where she was sure nobody would find her on the side of the house between two windows. She inhaled profoundly after she lit the cigarette trying to obtain a state of calm.

Instinctively, she turned to peer through the window in the living room wanting to ensure that Bob was still in there. The moment she looked, Elizabeth knew her curiosity was a mistake. Bob was in the middle of the living room grinding up against Jamie Johnson. She was running her long, thin fingers through his light blond hair, as she flipped her own perfect hair and laughed. He held on to her tightly caressing every inch of the back of her flawless body. The window was a magnet sucking Elizabeth in to watch his public display of cheating.

Elizabeth sank to the cold ground, her legs outstretched in front of her on top of the freezing grass. She lit another cigarette. Instead of smoking it, she held it between her frigid fingers and watched as the orange glow slowly burned towards her hand. The salad she had eaten for dinner churned in her weak stomach. Elizabeth drooped forward, dropping the cigarette on the ground. She lingered there, wavering slightly but suddenly she lurched herself backwards throwing all her weight into the brick house behind her. The pain from the back of her head seared down to her lower back. Elizabeth groaned while the salty warm teardrops streamed down her face. She gained her composure and struck the wall again with her head and back. The feeling was all too familiar. She repeated the motion several more times.

"Stop!" Elizabeth heard Jack say from a distance. She pulled her knees up to her chest and rolled over into fetal position. "No, no, don't do this! You can't hurt yourself every time you get upset."

"Jack, I can't stop," she heard him sigh between her muffled cries. She couldn't bear to look up at his face. She was sure he was disappointed in her actions. He sat down next to her and lifted her head and shoulders until he had positioned himself under her. She wrapped her arm around his leg, feeling the warmth of his jeans under her face. He covered her bare legs with his blue North Face Denali fleece jacket and rubbed her back to calm her down as he leaned against the cold brick house sipping on his beer. Elizabeth tried to control her crying. Jack didn't say anything else to her. He just continued to rub her back with his now chilly hand.

"Jack Bennett!" Elizabeth sat up abruptly. Jamie Johnson was walking towards them in her gold shimmer tank top and dark wash jeans. Jack didn't move. He didn't even turn to look at her. "Come here," snapped Jamie. "Come here, now."

Elizabeth slowly stood up, extending Jack's jacket to him with her delicate arm. He took his jacket back but he didn't stand up. Instead, he took a long gulp of his cold beer. Elizabeth wanted to go back in the house, but she was hesitant. There was something different about Jamie; she wasn't the strong, confident girl she usually was. Her face was red, her hands were shaking, and she was visibly upset, very upset. Nervously, Elizabeth started running her long fingers through her dark hair.

"Are you going to get up or just sit there in the cold?" snapped Jamie.

Jack was on his feet immediately. For the first time, Elizabeth saw his teeth clenched together as he passed her. Beer sprayed through the air as he threw his cup against the house. Jack hustled to Jamie in a fury, stood in front of her for a minute, shook his head and started walking towards Elizabeth.

"Come on," Jack said to Elizabeth linking his arm around hers. "We're going."

"Don't you dare leave!" screamed Jamie after them. Elizabeth paused, scared to be in the middle of an obvious fight between them. Jack immediately dropped her arm and turned back around.

"You bitch!" he said, his teeth gritted together once again. Elizabeth took a few steps away from Jack doubting whether or not she should get in the middle. Jack had, after all, come in between her and Bob tonight.

"What did you just say?" Jamie angrily started walking towards him.

"Stop," said Elizabeth calmly, stepping in front of Jack. Jamie seemed surprise that Elizabeth had spoken up. "Look, I don't know what's going on but we're leaving." She reached behind her until she felt Jack's leg.

"You can leave but Jack is staying," Jamie said, her confidence suddenly back.

"What were you doing with Bob?" yelled Jack. "You're such a lying slut!"

"You're the liar!"

"It doesn't matter," said Elizabeth turning to her friend. Towering over her, she could see his eyes shooting icicles directly at Jamie. Instinctively, Elizabeth reached for Jack's face. She touched his smooth, dark, perfect skin, holding his cheeks in the palms of her hands. "Jack," she whispered, "She's not worth it. I know you're upset right now but you're too good for her. I won't ever hurt you, I promise."

Jack slowly lowered his eyes breaking his cold stare. Elizabeth suddenly feeling self-conscious lowered her hands to her side. "I'm ready to go," Jack said nodding. "This party sucks anyway."

Elizabeth smiled up at Jack as they walked away, leaving Jamie Johnson standing in the cold screaming for Jack to come back. Friendship could be so simple and so complicated. There was nothing complicated about her friendship with Jack Bennett.

CHAPTER 23

**"From the sky, from the earth, from a scrap of paper, from a passing shape, from a spider's web... we must pick out what is good for us where we can find it." Pablo Picasso**

Elizabeth heard her cell phone vibrating on the nightstand next to her. It had been vibrating off and on for almost an hour. Her head was safely buried in her mold with the comforter over it in a poor attempt to drown out the constant buzzing. She was ignoring her phone because if she picked it up she would be tempted to see who was calling or texting her or an unfortunate combination of both, and the last person she wanted to talk to was Bob. She heard the faint knock at her bedroom door.

"I'm up, I'm up," she shouted, her head buried into the pillow top mattress below.

"Elizabeth," her father called opening the door, "you have a friend downstairs."

"Tell him I'm sleeping."

"No, he's a she," he answered.

Elizabeth looked up. "Who is it?" she asked confused. Random people never stopped by her house.

"I've never seen her before. Ah, skinny, blond hair..."

"Oh, no," she moaned thinking back to the previous night's fight between Jack and Jamie. "Tell her I'm sleeping. Please dad, I can't talk to her."

"Okay," he said agreeably at first, "but your mom already told her you were sleeping and I had to wake you so if I come back down and you're still sleeping, she'll wake you up and we'll both suffer the consequences. I would just recommend waking up, going downstairs, and getting rid of her."

As soon as Elizabeth tossed the comforter off the bed, the cold air hit her like an arctic blast. "Why is it so cold out?" she mumbled.

"Why is your window open?" questioned the electricity police. "Do you know how much it costs to heat the house in January?"

"Take it out of my allowance," dared Elizabeth walking past her dad in her purple fleece pants and matching long-sleeved waffle shirt.

"You don't get an allowance," he said confused following close behind her.

"That's the whole point," she said. "If I did have an allowance it would be your money anyway, so please stop complaining." Elizabeth bounded down the stairs only to find Jamie nowhere in sight. She heard a giggle coming from the kitchen. "Come on," she said out loud encouraging her to find her enemy. Her bare feet hit the cedar floor hard as she walked towards the kitchen, annoyed and ready to send Jamie home. She walked in to see Jamie and her mother laughing at the kitchen table, drinking tea. Jamie was drinking out of her favorite coffee mug, a red hibiscus mug that she had gotten in Hawaii, years ago. "Ahem," she cleared her throat, rudely, approaching the table.

"Morning Elizabeth," Jamie said, her once gorgeous blue eyes looking tired and swollen. "Can we talk privately?"

Elizabeth wondered how many hours Jamie had spent crying on New Year's Eve to look that bad. Maybe Elizabeth had not wanted to talk to Bob, but that didn't mean she had to take the opportunity away from Jamie to talk to Jack. Suddenly, feeling guilty, Elizabeth took a deep breath and willed herself to invite Jamie up to her bedroom by nodding.

"Thank you for the tea Mrs. Benson," she said as Elizabeth watched Jamie Johnson hug her mother. "You have a very lovely home."

"Come on," said Elizabeth disgusted that in ten minutes her mother could love a stranger more than she loved her own daughter. Jamie followed Elizabeth upstairs and walked around the room looking at everything while Elizabeth sat down on her bed, propped up against the headboard. She glanced at the clock. It was later than she originally thought. She needed to shower, get dressed, and eat before she went over to Jack's to watch college bowl games. Her cell phone vibrated on the nightstand again suddenly causing her to be irritated again. "Look, I have plans, so could you maybe tell me what this is about, quickly?"

"When did you get so confident?" Jamie asked setting one of the golf trophies that she was holding back on the shelf.

"Since you showed up at my house and became friends with my mother," she answered.

"And, your boldness last night? Or was that just a fluke?"

"I don't know what is going on between you and Jack, okay?" huffed Elizabeth. "All I know is that you were grinding up against my boyfriend, I mean ex-boyfriend, like he was the only one you were into and then you were all mad at Jack when he never did anything."

Jamie laughed smugly. "You really think Jack is so innocent. That's so cute. Seriously, Elizabeth, you have to stop living a dream. Jack is really a jerk. So is your boyfriend. My friends do things a certain way that your kind just won't ever understand. Jack only talks to you because he feels bad for you."

"That's not true," Elizabeth defended. Jamie had nerve!

"Your naïve-ness is pathetic. He doesn't even care about you, at all. You're a charity case to him, just something to make him feel better. Why do you think he's ignored you all these years? You were nothing to him, ever."

"Neither were you," she said standing up. She could feel every red blood cell rushing to her face as though she were hanging upside down. She glanced to the right, looking out the window to Jack's room.

"When you were nothing to him, I was the one sleeping in his bed," taunted Jamie. "You wouldn't know anything about that, would you Ms. Prude?"

Elizabeth raised her voice and pointed to the door. "Leave!"

"Fine," said Jamie. She looked at the window. "Is that where you guys talk?"

"What?"

Jamie slowly took a few steps until she was at the window. She put her hand on the screen and sniffled. "That's his room, isn't it?"

"Yep," answered Elizabeth annoyed. "Are you done yet?"

"You're so lucky."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. Jamie was talking all over the place. She started off insulting Elizabeth, making up lies, and now she was suddenly feeling sorry for herself? "Is that because I'm living a dream or because I'm pathetic and naïve?"

"You get to like talk to him whenever you want. He opens up to you. You have like real conversations. Nobody else really gets that with him. He used to tell me all the time that my business was none of his concern and his business was none of my concern. I tried so hard but he kept me at a distance all of the time, never really letting me in. With my beauty, my body, my popularity combined with whatever he sees in you that makes him trust you, we would make the perfect girl that Jack Bennett would love. I guess we'll both have to settle for second place."

Elizabeth shook her head. "We can't swap parts like Barbie dolls and...and I don't need first place or even second place. I'm his friend. Friendship doesn't need a place or a title and it can't be fully defined in the dictionary. It's unique to the people in the friendship."

Jamie looked out the window again and pulled her curly blond hair off the back of her grey Yale sweatshirt before piling it on the top of her head. Elizabeth admired how perfect her hair looked, even when Jamie wasn't trying to impress anyone. "I'm sorry about what you saw or heard happen with me and Bob. You should know that we just danced, nothing else happened. I shouldn't have done it but we were both drunk and we were crazy mad and I guess crazy jealous. You have no idea how hard people have tried to get Jack to open up to them and suddenly after all this time, he just starts talking to you. No offense, you're cute and all, but you're not really popular. You go against everything we stand for. Then you start dating Bob, Nick starts dating your friend, and Liam is suddenly interested in your other friend. If this is the way it is, then popular kids can date losers and suddenly I'll be at the bottom of the chain."

"Is the bottom so bad?"

"Yes...you know it is, just like you don't want to be popular. I didn't work this hard to scrape the bottom of the barrel. I can't let that happen." Jamie faced Elizabeth. "I'm not gonna let that happen. I'm going to get Jack back. You're not gonna take him from me."

"You can have him," said Elizabeth shrugging her shoulders. "I'm not into him. He's not into me. We're just friends. Quit stressing over it."

"Sure you are," declared Jamie making her way to the closed door. She walked into the hall and stuck her head back in the room. "When you decide to admit the truth, you'll learn you're not good enough for him. He won't ever like you as more than his neighbor, some plain, green eyed girl that he grew up next to and never talked to until a year before college. In a year or two, you'll stop talking completely. In five years, he won't even know where you live. In ten years, he will have forgotten your name. But me...I'll always be in his life. That's how the universe set it up. You're just a lost star that will have to go back to her solar system eventually."

"Bitch!" shouted Elizabeth after her, sinking to the floor. Tears began flowing freely. She felt like a complete outsider in her own life. Her phone vibrated again. "Enough!" she screamed. She

got up to see who was trying to get a hold of here. To her dislike, there were eighteen text messages and thirteen missed calls from Bob. Elizabeth tossed her cell phone onto the frigid asphalt driveway below. The purple BlackBerry landed on the clear rubber cover and bounced onto the grass. "Crap!" she shouted.

"Stop making all the noise." Jack suddenly appeared at his window holding his head. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to destroy my cell phone."

"Bob?" he asked.

"Yeah," she replied somber. "I don't have anything to say to him."

"Next time you want to shout and throw things out the window when I'm asleep, close your window or wait until I'm up." Elizabeth sighed. Jack could turn anything serious into something funny when he wanted to. "Are you coming over soon?"

"Yeah, I'll be over in an hour," she hesitated. What if Jamie was right?

"Good. We're starting the new year off well, with good friends."

CHAPTER 24

**"No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever." Francois Mocuriac**

Elizabeth stood at her locker wondering how she was possibly going to cram her textbooks and notebooks from every class in her backpack. She had been back at school for one full week, a review week before finals.

"I need a coffee," blurted out Kate stopping at Elizabeth's locker.

Elizabeth zipped her backpack, picked up the rest of her books and slammed her locker shut. "We go through this when finals come around every year. No food or drink in the library."

Kate frowned holding her new Michael Kors leather bag. "I always drink coffee in the library."

It was only Monday and Elizabeth was starting to feel the stress of finals. She was already accepted to Duke, but she knew slacking off was not an option. "You get kicked out every time you sneak it in. Everyone can smell your coffee. It's so obvious."

"I need it though. I get bored studying; guys don't talk to me when we're there. Besides, you drink water at the library."

"Water doesn't smell."

"Yeah it does. It smells like water."

Elizabeth looked at Kate, confused by her friend's sudden stupidity. Coffee was Kate's thing, like food was Angela's thing and water was Elizabeth's thing. "If it makes you feel better, you should get your coffee. I'm gonna go straight to the library so I can start studying and Angela doesn't think we've been kidnapped."

Elizabeth pulled into the crowded library parking lot a few minutes later. She cursed herself for taking so long after school as she drove up and down the full aisles looking for a space to park in. After finding a spot in the last row, Elizabeth trotted across the parking lot with her backpack and books in tote. She headed across the library to the study tables trying to locate where Angela was. The tables were full, with high school students getting a head start on exams.

"There you are," said Angela. "I was getting worried."

"I was having a silent meltdown at my locker. Where are you sitting?"

"I actually found an empty study room. I got here a minute before the crowd."

"You're a genius," complimented Elizabeth. She followed Angela around the corner to the first study room, set her books and back pack on the brown wood table and sank into the black high backed desk chair. "How is the studying coming?"

"Don't stress me out," warned Angela. "I just sat down like ten minutes ago and got up three minutes ago to go to the bathroom."

"That bad?"

"At what point are we supposed to begin to suffer from senioritis? I swear I've had it all year. Combine that with the ever confusing process of choosing an institute for higher education and a major to determine a career for the rest of my life and I'm stressed to the max."

"That's a lot to consider," said Elizabeth. "I've always known what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go to college. I just worried about getting in. I'm sorry that you feel so stressed out."

"Do you think that people from North Carolina automatically apply to schools in North Carolina?"

"Well, I think that's probably true because we hear more about schools that are close to us. I would think that's true about most people in any state, though, considering the size. California has the most colleges of any state. Vermont has the most colleges per capita. Cambridge has the most colleges per city."

"That's great," said Angela rolling her eyes. "I'll be sure to remember the answers if that ever comes up in Trivial Pursuit."

"I'm sorry," apologized Elizabeth. "North Carolina isn't just Charlotte. Heck, we're practically in South Carolina. Just promise me that wherever you go you'll come home for all major holidays."

Angela began reading her notes. Elizabeth opened her Government text book and started on Chapter one. Three pages in, Kate bounded into the study room with her coffee. "They still have peppermint mocha!" Neither Elizabeth nor Angela responded to Kate. "Did you hear me?"

"Yes," snapped Angela. "But, we're not drinking coffee, so clearly we don't care."

"That was rude," Kate said.

"Kate, I'm glad they have your favorite flavor," Elizabeth calmly said to her friend. "Please take out your books or sit quietly because we are trying to study."

"Fine. And, pumpkin spice is my favorite."

Elizabeth put on her headphones, turned her iPod on to Young Jeezy's "The Inspiration" album and buried her head in her Government textbook. When she finished reading Chapter three and looked at the time. She had been there a little over an hour and had rolled through the first three chapters of the text. She opened her notebook to review her notes, when she noticed both Angela and Kate were no longer sitting at the table. She stepped out of the room visually searching for her friends, when she noticed Jack sitting at one of the tables with some of his friends. Elizabeth waived at him and walked back into the room, this time taking a seat on the edge of the wooden table.

Elizabeth stretched her arms high above her head and then to each side. Her neck was sore from reading for an hour without moving. The room suddenly became hot. Elizabeth took off her navy V-neck uniform sweater unbuttoned the top two buttons of her white polyester blouse. The top of her white tank top was now visible. Jack walked into the private study room smiling.

"What?" she asked smiling back.

"We're alone," he whispered standing directly in front of her. He rubbed her leg as he moved closer, their bodies touching.

Elizabeth's could feel her stomach somersaulting as Jack brushed her cheek with his hand and held her waist with his other hand. "We're alone a lot," she mumbled.

"It's different this time," he responded leaning towards her neck. Instinctively, Elizabeth turned her head allowing him to continue teasing her. She wrapped her legs high around his waist. Jack lightly began kissing her neck. His lips were electric, sending a shock through her body. He moved to her ear. Elizabeth moaned for more.

"I love you," she exhaled leaning back on the desk. She reached up to pull him on her but instead hit the floor hard.

"I love you?" laughed Kate. "That's the funniest shit I've ever seen."

Confused, Elizabeth looked up from the floor. Angela and Kate were sitting at the table laughing. "I...I..."

"You fell asleep and had some sort of X-rated dream," laughed Angela. "We know who it was about to, you little denier."

Elizabeth shook her head in embarrassment. "No...no...you don't know..."

"Jack," said Kate.

"So what?" defended Elizabeth.

"No, he's here," mumbled Angela.

"Am I interrupting?" asked Jack, standing in the doorway. Elizabeth jumped up. Her face immediately blushed. Her knees shook as she tried to find the right words to say. "What were you doing on the floor?"

"She was tired," said Kate coming to her rescue. "We were just giving her crap about sleeping on the floor."

Jack nodded. "I see." He turned towards Elizabeth. "When do you want to study for Calculus?" Elizabeth couldn't stop herself from staring at him. Jack's lips were smooth, full and perfect. "Are you okay?"

Her trance was broken. "I probably need to eat something. We can study for Calculus any time this weekend. I'll either be here or at home."

"Your face is really red," noticed Jack. "Are you sure you're feeling okay? Nick and I were just about to leave to get something to eat. Why don't you guys come with us?"

"I really should get back to studying," Elizabeth said promptly.

"I'm starving," Angela said over her. "We're coming."

"No," Elizabeth blurted out. Her friends all turned towards her. She could feel the palms of her hands begin to sweat. There was nothing worse than trying too hard to hide feelings that were suddenly becoming overly obvious. "I didn't mean that."

"I'm gonna go talk to Nick," said Kate, on her way out of the room.

Elizabeth sat down and started packing her books up. Jack took a seat in the chair next to her. She could see him watching her out of the corner of her eye only it felt as though he was examining her through a microscope. Elizabeth willed herself to stop thinking about Jack. She tried to shove another text book into her already full back pack causing her notebook to slide off the table.

"I got it," Jack said leaning over to pick it up. Elizabeth's hands were shaking. Jack put the textbook next to her backpack. "Is this weirdness about Bob?"

Elizabeth saw Angela look up from her Spanish book and she inhaled deeply. "Is what about Bob?"

"This. You're acting nervous. I heard he was going to try to get back with you after finals and knowing Bob he probably said something already."

"I haven't talked to him since the party," responded Elizabeth. "I'm not getting back together with him."

"I wouldn't judge you if you did."

"Good because friends shouldn't judge each other."

Kate walked back in the study room. "Nick wants steak and I want a burger." Angela grabbed her backpack and darted out of the room. "Yeah, so, just come out when you're ready," said Kate following Angela out of the room.

"Are you tripping because of finals?" Jack asked.

Elizabeth felt like her head was going to explode. "We can tell each other stuff, right?"

"You already know you can tell me anything." Elizabeth wanted to tell Jack about her bizarre dream. The very room they were sitting in had been the scene of a romantic encounter she had unintentionally imagined, vividly. She tried to come up with the right words to tell him, so he would know there were no feelings behind the dream but when she looked deep in his eyes, she was hardly convinced that was true anymore. "Are you still cutting yourself?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "No, not for a while."

"Look, I know I didn't really say anything at the party or after about the head banging thing but you just can't go around hurting yourself when you're upset."

"I know," agreed Elizabeth. "I don't expect you to understand. I've really been doing well. I promise. It's just that party was supposed to be fun and Bob was just a jerk from the minute I saw him. And, then, I saw him with Jamie and I just did it."

"I don't think that most people go around doing things to intentionally hurt someone else. I just think that most people make choices based on what they want because we can all be selfish, some more than others. The hurting people, that part is just an unfortunate consequence. Bob didn't cheat on you to hurt you. Bob cheated on you because he wanted to hook up and you wouldn't do it. Jamie was his best option. Hurting you was a result of his selfishness."

"Have you ever cheated on someone?"

Jack nodded. "I cheated on Jamie last year with a freshman."

Elizabeth wasn't surprised to hear Jack be so candid. Jamie Johnson didn't seem like a girl most guys would consider cheating on. "Did she find out?" Jack shook his head. "Why'd you do it? Do you think cheating is okay?"

"Wow, slow down," he laughed. "I think cheating's wrong. I believe that people should embrace being single and live it up. We're too young to be tied to down one person. If we really like someone, then giving up freedom is a choice we make. With me, when it came down to it, I didn't really care about Jamie enough. Obviously, I didn't want to get caught, but if she would have found out, I wouldn't have cared. She doesn't know and I didn't do it to hurt her. I wanted two hot girls because I could have them."

Elizabeth knew the key word that Jack used was "hot". Physically, Jack was a ten plus. He could have any girl he wanted. The color of her skin or his skin didn't matter. She could be tall or short, thin or muscular. Jack Bennett had the type of eyes a girl could get lost in. He was able to make a girl feel safe with his strong arms. He could make her feel loved with his smile.

"I've never."

"Never had sex?"

"No, I've done that. Well, not really. I mean I have but not with Bob. Or really anyone since the first time, well it was more than once, but it was one person, one guy, and it's just..."

"You don't have to explain," he interrupted. "Explaining sounds like you're justifying your choices and you don't need to do that with me. It doesn't matter if you're slept with one person or one hundred people. It won't change the way I feel about you or our friendship."

"It's just that I don't think it should define a person or a relationship."

"But it's fun."

Elizabeth laughed. "Yeah," she agreed. "It's fun."

"Come on," said Jack standing up. "Let's hug it out." Elizabeth smiled as he pulled her out of the chair and wrapped his arms around her.

"Are you guys okay?" asked Nick now standing in the doorway. "You've been in here forever."

"Yeah," Jack answered letting go of Elizabeth. "We're good. Just give us a minute." Nick nodded and stepped away. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she replied. "I'm good."

"Look, this is gonna sound bad and I don't mean it to sound bad but it's the truth." She cracked a smile not wanting to hear what came next. "I don't give a shit. I don't care about people and I don't care what they do." Elizabeth swallowed hard. "People's business is of no concern of mine and my business is of no concern to them." Jack was right, it was harsh. Elizabeth took a step back and reached down for her back pack. She wanted to run out of the library as fast as she could and scream. "But if I care...when I care...I'm gonna do what I can for my friends because I care what happens to them. That's the difference between you and Jamie. I don't give a shit about Jamie and I could care less about what the hell she does. People might think I'm a jerk or whatever because of it. But, you've been a good friend to me and I'm gonna show you the same, because I do care. People like Jamie won't understand that. So, don't worry about her or Bob or anyone else. Worry about yourself. You need to stop. You need to do whatever you need to do to stop. If you need to talk to someone, like a professional person, then you should do it. But you have to stop."

"Okay," she agreed without giving it another thought.

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'll stop. I promise."

"So, we can throw away all your pencil sharpeners, band aids or anything you use to harm yourself or fix yourself?"

"Yeah. We can throw it all away."

"Elizabeth, I'm serious about this. You can't hit yourself or smash your head against any walls." Jack hugged her again, this time harder. "Promise you'll tell me if you can't do it. We'll get help. We'll figure this out." She nodded against his chest, the beat of his heart drawing her in. Out of nowhere, Jack whispered something that she never expected to hear. "If we ever dated, I'd never cheat on you. You deserve so much better than that. Bob is a fool."

CHAPTER 25

**"Everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe**

Elizabeth walked through the front door of her house after her last final on Thursday. She ended the week on barely any sleep and eagerly awaited the moment her tired body would make contact with her mattress. When she reached her bedroom, she kicked her skirt off, which was already at her ankles. Elizabeth tossed her sweater and blouse on top of the skirt and dove under her comforter. Her parents were in New Haven visiting Olivia until Sunday. All week she buried herself in studying for finals knowing that her sleep deprivation would pay off when it was all over with hours of uninterrupted sleep.

The afternoon sun beat through the glass but Elizabeth didn't notice the light. She was exhausted and for the first time in months, her mind was clear of all thoughts and distractions. Elizabeth slowly wrapped her blanket around her head. Every part of her body was relaxed, even her toes. Slowly, she felt the memory foam mattress conform to the curves of her body as she drifted into unconsciousness.

Elizabeth didn't recognize the long dark hallway she was walking down. The white linoleum floor was soft beneath her oversized boots. She continued to walk towards the light, passing wooden doors on both sides of her.

Elizabeth pushed open the door at the end of the hallway, walking out into a courtyard. The cold air immediately hit her face, but the first thing she noticed was the snow blowing around the air. A couple sat on a metal bench straight ahead. "Where am I?" she asked the couple. They didn't respond or seem to notice her so she continued to walk as the snow crunched below her feet until she came to an archway. Every bone in her body was now chilled as the inches of snow multiplied around her. People walked by with white sweatshirts and backpacks.

She continued to walk until the snow came up so high she could no longer move. Elizabeth tried to wiggle free, but the more she moved the higher the snow piled. "Help!" she called out. People continued to walk right by as though she was invisible. She started shoveling the snow away from her body with her hands. Elizabeth's fingers were freezing as she dug.

"There he is," someone called out into the snowy storm. Elizabeth squinted her eyes trying to see through the falling snowflakes. It the distance, Jack Bennett stood holding a football as a crowd began to form around him chanting "Heisman". The wind whipped against her frozen face. She moved her arms to start shoveling again but she couldn't move. The snow was up to her shoulders. Elizabeth screamed for Jack to help her but he couldn't hear her. The icy snow crept up her face until she was completely buried.

"NO!" she screeched sitting up. Her blanket completely surrounded her head and Elizabeth tore it off in a fury gasping for air. Dreams can take people anywhere. They allow people to be anybody. They give people the ability to do anything, yet

Elizabeth was unable to control the actions or choose the surroundings because in her dream the mind completely takes over. Elizabeth moved to the front of her bed and reached down to pull an unopened bottle of water out of her backpack. The water was room temperature, but just as quenching as she swallowed. She could feel her hair sticking to her face and beads of sweat developing from her forehead.

Elizabeth opened her window to take in the cool January air. She slumped back onto the edge of her bed and stared at Jack's room through her open window. The fading sun reflected on the glass window. Elizabeth was drawn to its orange glow. She noticed Jack roll over on his bed. She wanted to talk to him but he looked so peaceful. Her friendship with Jack was like a drug addiction. Kate and Angela were her longtime friends. They would do anything for her. But, it wasn't the same as having the security that Jack provided her. The depth of their friendship existed in a world that nobody else could enter or possibly understand. Elizabeth ran her fingers through her hair and smiled to herself.

She had been staring at him for so long that she barely moved when he woke up, turned on his lights and opened his window. "Earth to loser," he shouted out his window. "Are you creepin' on me?"

Elizabeth laughed. "Yeah, so what?"

"That's weird, that's what."

She wasn't the slightest bit embarrassed. "I was bored."

Jack smiled. "It's still weird. You should make it up to me."

Elizabeth bit her lower lip and smiled back. She walked over to the window. "How so?"

"I'm hungry," suggested Jack. "What's for dinner?"

"Honestly?" asked Elizabeth. "P.B. and J."

"With strawberry preserves and crunchy peanut butter?"

She shook her head. "Grape jelly and creamy peanut butter."

"That's disgusting. You're eighteen and you don't know how to make a proper basic sandwich."

"Your idea of a basic sandwich is crap."

"I want pasta. Can you boil water?"

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Yes. You're a little demanding."

"You were staring at me in my sleep!" he laughed. "I think a big bowl of chicken pasta will make me forget about that. I'll get the stuff and you cook."

"Elizabeth." Bob was walking up the driveway. "Can I talk to you?"

She looked over at Jack. He took a step away from the window and shrugged his shoulders. "I'm not sure that's a good idea," answered Elizabeth."

"I just want to talk to you and apologize for what happened at the party."

"Bob, there's nothing to talk about."

"Can you just please come down and talk to me?" She looked at Jack again. He was still standing a foot away from the window staring at her. "Why are you looking at him?"

"I'm..."

"I get it, Jack," said Bob now looking at him. "She's beautiful, smart, funny and loyal. I know that you want to protect her but I also know that a part of you wants to keep her for yourself because she'd do anything for you." Jack was still staring at her. "We both know that you're being selfish. The problems between you and me have nothing to do with her. We both care about her but only one of us loves her. And, that's me. Stop trying to control her life."

Elizabeth could see it in Jack's eyes. He was agreeing with Bob. There wasn't sadness or darkness. There was no happiness or joy. He was apologetic. But, for what? Why did Jamie and Bob question Jack's friendship with her? She was determined to get some answers. "I'll be right down," said Elizabeth. She walked to the front door. Bob was waiting for her on the porch when she opened the door. He walked in and headed straight to the family room.

"I'm sorry I interrupted your conversation about dinner with Jack," he said standing in front of the fireplace. He picked up a picture of Elizabeth off the mantel. "I know how much he means to you. Anyways, I owe you an apology. I assumed that you would have come to the party earlier, as my girlfriend. It should have been us going to dinner, before the party. I thought that night was going to be really special for us."

"I wasn't going to have sex with you. You knew that."

"Fine, I knew that. It's not just about sex, Elizabeth. You won't let me in, physically or emotionally. I try. It's like you're holding out for something better."

Elizabeth folded her arms across her chest. She was holding out for something better. She wanted someone who listened to her, not someone who talked over her. She wanted someone who supported her, not someone that tried to change her future plans. "That's not true," she lied. "I just don't feel that we're good together. We don't have anything in common and..."

"What do you have in common with Jack?" interrupted Bob.

"Bob, this has nothing to do with Jack. You can't compare a relationship to a friendship."

"I can when the friendship is getting in the way of my relationship."

"Just leave," she said frustrated. "We're never going to see eye to eye on this."

"I need to tell you the truth and I think you're going to be mad."

She shook her head. "Tell me the truth about what?"

Bob sighed. She noticed his hands trembling slightly. "It's not a coincidence you became friends with Jack after all this time."

Elizabeth swallowed hard. "What do you mean?"

"I asked Jack to become friends with you so I could get to know you. It was the easiest plan. He needed help with Calculus. I knew you'd help him because he's popular and good looking and quite frankly, you're too nice. He woke you up that night so you would start to trust him." Elizabeth stood up abruptly and Bob grabbed her by the arms. "I like you more than I've ever liked anyone before. I'm so jealous of your friendship to him. I just need you in my life. Please, just give me another chance. You won't regret it."

"There's nothing to be jealous of," mumbled Elizabeth.

"You've got someone here, Elizabeth," said Bob. "I'm someone who wants to make things all right and someone who loves you more than life, standing right here."

Elizabeth sighed. Relationships were complicated and Elizabeth was no expert at making them uncomplicated. She pulled herself free from Bob's grip and walked around the room in a circle as he stared at her. So what if Jack had initially started talking to her as a favor to Bob, they were certainly friends at this point. Bob had done both of them a favor. If it wasn't for him, Elizabeth and Jack may have never developed a friendship. Elizabeth continued walking. Bob was wrong for her. He was selfish, impatient, and most of all, he wasn't capable of listening to her. She began to bite on her fingernails while she thought. Bob was also safe because she knew she could never stand to really like him.

"Okay," she blurted out suddenly wondering if she was still going to cook dinner for Jack. "I'm really tired and I'm sorry I don't feel like talking about this right now. But, you should know that I listened to everything you said and I do forgive you but I'm not..."

Bob leapt over the coffee table and pulled Elizabeth close, harder than she had ever been held before. Bob leaned in and she slowly gave in as he kissed her passionately. "That was the most perfect kiss," he admired before kissing her again. Elizabeth didn't feel a hint of electricity, an ounce of enjoyment, or a flicker of excitement. He ran his hands over her body as she tensed up. "Just relax," he whispered kissing her neck. "Can we go upstairs?"

"No!" she answered pushing him gently away from her. "You didn't let me finish. I don't want to get back together with you." Bob stood there dumbfounded. "And, I have plans."

"Can't you cancel them? We just need to keep talking and kissing and this will all work out for us."

She turned her face away from his. "I didn't know you were coming over. I'm not cancelling. We can maybe talk another time if you still want to."

"Promise you'll call me tomorrow?" he urged.

Elizabeth nodded. Bob kissed her good-bye on the cheek and headed out the front door. She ran to the living room window to watch him leave and waited a minute after he left before running next-door. Elizabeth rang the doorbell and patiently waited for an answer. Mrs. Bennett opened the door smiling.

"Come in," greeted Latasha. Elizabeth followed her and stepped inside the well lit home. "Jack stepped out to get something to eat but he should be back soon if you want to wait."

"Thanks," she said trying to hide her disappointment. "I actually came over to see if he wanted to get food. I'll talk to him later."

"You're welcome to have some leftovers. I made Roger some roast beef, mashed potatoes and green beans. We have plenty."

Elizabeth forced a smile. "That sounds good but I don't want to impose."

"You're not imposing," admitted Latasha. "Jack said he wanted chicken and pasta. In two days when the roast beef is gone, he'll say he wants roast beef. I just cook what I want and if he doesn't want to eat it, he can figure something else out. Come on, I'll fix you up a plate and you can take it home and sit in front of the television like all you kids do these days."

Elizabeth turned on the television in the family room and sank into the leather couch. The thick paper plate Mrs. Bennett had given her felt like it weighed a pound. She had a small bowl for salad, a full plate of roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans and cornbread. She picked at the delicious home cooked meal while flipping through the channels looking for something that would hold her interest for more than a few minutes.

She finally got up after eating a quarter of the meal and headed to the refrigerator for mint chocolate chip ice cream. Elizabeth wasn't a big eater but she could put down ice cream, powdered sugar donuts, cheese pizza and corn like a world champ eater. She carried the gallon tub back to the couch with a silver spoon sticking out of her mouth.

Just as Elizabeth was shoveling a spoon full of ice cream in her mouth, she was startled by the site of Jack Bennett taking a seat on the couch next to her. He reached over and slowly pulled the spoon out of her mouth and ate the rest of the ice cream off the silver utensil.

"That's disgusting," frowned Elizabeth. Jack smiled, dipped it in the container and shoved it back in her mouth. She swallowed the large bite. "Now, that's really disgusting."

"Is that my mom's dinner?" he asked pointing to the coffee table.

She nodded. "I thought I was cooking dinner for you, so I came over. Your mom said you were out and gave me some food."

Jack scratched is head. "You were with your boyfriend."

"I had plans with you first," she defended. "Besides, he's not my boyfriend."

"It's all good. I had Wendy's," said Jack changing the channels on the flat screen television.

"Oh," she answered knowing that fast food was better than anything she could have cooked. "If you thought I was with Bob, why did you just walk in my house?" Jack tapped the remote against his knee and glanced at Elizabeth grinning. She was instantly frustrated. "Tell me," she demanded.

"I wasn't thinking," he sneered.

"That's crap. Were you scared there was something he was going to tell me?"

"Like what?" he questioned.

"Like, why we're friends?" Jack's smirk disappeared. He looked at her, expressionless. "Is there anything you want to say about that?"

"What's to say Elizabeth?" he stood up abruptly. "How many times are we going to keep going through this? We should have been friends sooner, but maybe we wouldn't have appreciated each other as much if we were. There is no definition to our friendship. I think you're cool. I like talking to you. I enjoy your company. That's all there is."

"Please don't get all defensive."

"How can I not be defensive when you're coming at me like that?"

"Bob said..."

"What did he say?" interrupted Jack. "Actually, I don't care what he said. If you want to take the word of an arrogant asshole over me, be my guest. I have nothing to prove. I'm outta here."

"Wait!" Elizabeth leaped off the couch after him. "That's not fair!'

Jack turned suddenly. She ran into him and fell to the floor. "I'm sorry," he said reaching down to help her up. Tears filled her eyes. "Are you okay?"

"I'm not coming after you," she sniffled. "I did believe him, but it didn't make a difference. I just wanted to hear you say it."

Jack squeezed Elizabeth tightly against himself. "Don't you see what they're doing? They hate our friendship. Jamie, Bob, all of them. They don't understand it and they make up all these excuses so they can sleep better at night. It's just like when your mom thought you were pregnant. It was the only reason she could come up with as to why you would possibly be talking to your black neighbor after all these years. I don't want to have to come up with explanations about our friendship. There doesn't have to be a 'why' to this equation. You plus me equals friends. That's it. Period. End of discussion."

Elizabeth buried her head against his black Pittsburgh Steelers sweatshirt. Jack was right. He shouldn't have to defend their friendship to his friends and certainly not to her. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"You're so fragile," he said before kissing the top of her head. "And, you smell like sun tan lotion."

"Coconut shampoo and pineapple and hibiscus lotion."

"I take that back. You're fragile and weird." She laughed into his sweatshirt. "And, that tickles," he lightly pushed back.

Elizabeth looked up at Jack, her green eyes glowing. "Will you stay with me?"

He took a step backwards and turned his back to her. "I can't."

"Why not?" her voice cracked.

Jack put his hands on the front door and leaned into them. He became motionless, a human statue molded into the rectangular frame of the door. Elizabeth, feeling alone and defeated slowly walked into the dark living room and sank into the floral sofa. She wasn't sure if he was waiting for her to speak again or if he was struggling to find the right words to her answer. The silence was unbearable.

After several minutes, she quietly made her way to the stairs, paused, hoping he would stop her, and then continued, determined to not be crying when he decided to walk out the door. Leaving her door cracked, she climbed into her warm bed without changing her clothes, brushing her teeth, washing her face, or closing her curtains. Clutching her duvet cover, she listened for any sign of the front door opening and closing. Several minutes passed before she heard movement on the stairs. Confused she slid deeper into the safety of her bed.

The door creaked open. She felt herself holding her breath. He was probably coming to tell her he was leaving so she could lock the door behind him. Instead, she felt the comforter move off her shoulder, the mattress vibrated under her and his warm body came together with hers, his hand moved across her hip until it rested on her stomach. "I'm sorry," he whispered, his breath warm against her ear. His nose grazed her neck and her pulse quickened. "I just don't understand why you're with someone that isn't capable of taking care of you, that isn't giving you what you need. I don't understand why you'd ask me to stay. What do you want from me?"

Jack's question was valid. She needed him because she loved him. "I..I trust you," she admitted.

"You shouldn't trust me, Elizabeth. I'm not this great person that you think I am."

"Yes you are!"

Jack rolled her over until she was facing him, side by side, their faces an inch from one another. "You really think so, don't you?" he questioned.

Elizabeth nodded. She could feel his heart pounding through his chest, against hers. Her entire body was searing with electricity. He reached down and lifted her cotton shirt above her head revealing her lilac lace bra. Elizabeth could barely breathe, the intensity of what was about to happen weighing on her chest. Jack pulled his Steelers sweatshirt and undershirt off and dropped it on the floor. He slowly traced her bra strap from back to front, then underneath her arm, down her side, and across her lower stomach until he stopped at the button on her jeans.

Elizabeth bit her lip. Part of her wanted to stop him not knowing what tomorrow would bring. But, if any part of Jack wanted her, she was fully prepared to let him take her. Hesitating a moment, she put her hands over his as he opened the button. "No," she mumbled.

Jack gently lifted her hand off of his and placed it on the mattress next to her. She could feel his eyes concentrating on her, sending her a vibe that everyone would be okay. "Do you really trust me?" She nodded. "I won't hurt you," he reassured. She felt like she was flying through the air.

He unzipped her jeans and tugged them off her hips revealing white nylon boy hipster panties. Elizabeth closed her eyes. Her stomach was doing back flips. She was on her bed, exposed, with a boy that wasn't her boyfriend, yet she wasn't afraid. She wanted to be close to Jack in the most intimate way possible, even if I it was only for a short period of time. Jack placed his hand on her thigh and softly moved his thumb back and forth over her scars. Elizabeth tried to imagine how that could be considered sexy. He moved his hand to her other thigh and repeated the moderate movement. She wanted to open her eyes but she was afraid to ruin the moment.

She felt his hot breath travel back to her stomach, her legs trembled with anticipation. He softly kissed her stomach and she suddenly realized that his mouth was on her scars. Elizabeth shot up and leaned against her headboard quickly covering up her body.

"What's wrong?" Jack asked surprised.

"You can't do that!" she shouted. "You can't touch my scars and act like it's..."

"Like it's what?"

"Like it's a way to get me to have sex with you!" Jack let out a roar. Elizabeth was surprised that he could find anything to laugh at. A minute ago she believed they were going to have sex and now he laughing. Jack ripped the blanket out of Elizabeth's hands. "Stop!" she screamed.

He pulled her legs until she was on her back, climbed on top of her and pulled her hands above her head. "If I wanted to have sex with you, I could," he boasted. "You trust me. And, I think you trust me enough to have sex with me."

"No, I wouldn't." she defended, embarrassed, trying to free her hands.

"Your scars aren't that bad," he confided. "You have a beautiful body. Don't be ashamed of it." Nobody, besides Bob had ever called her beautiful before.

Elizabeth turned her face way from Jack. He humiliated her. How could he have led her to believe he actually wanted her? A tear streamed down her face. She wanted him to leave. Jack released her arms. She tried to roll away from him but he pulled her close against his body, again. "You're like my best friend. I'm sorry; I really just wanted to show you that you're beautiful." Before she could respond, he unhooked the clasp of her bra, removing it until she was bare. She tried to cover herself but he once again repositioned her hands off her body. He swept her dark hair behind her ear, and moved the back of his hand down her neck and over her exposed breast. She took in several shallow, nervous breaths as he caressed her. "I don't want to blur the lines here." She could feel the excitement build in the lower half of his body against her. "We're just friends, right?"

She slowly nodded. Jack immediately pressed his hips against hers. Elizabeth wrapped her arms under his, pulled down on his shoulders bringing him closer. He moved his lips against hers touching every inch of her body eagerly and passionately. Suddenly he stopped; his body was shaking as he held his Elizabeth's fragile body in his strong arms. "Are you sure?" he cautiously asked breathing heavy.

"I trust you," she confided.

He kissed her again, this time much slower. He removed her boy shorts and then his own pants. "You don't have to do this. We don't have to do this. The last thing I want to do is lose your friendship."

Elizabeth looked deep into Jack's eyes. She wasn't thinking about their friendship, or about Bob. The only thing she knew for sure was that somewhere between school, friendship and the complex intensity of their lives she had without a doubt fallen in love with Jack Bennett and her heart and body wanted him more than anything.

CHAPTER 26

"Float away here with me. An evening just wait and see. But tomorrow go back to your man. I'm back to my world. And we're back to being friends." Dave Matthews Band

Elizabeth was sprawled across Jack's bare body, moving in sync with every breath of air he took in and exhaled. The consumption of alcohol could never be an excuse for what had occurred because neither of them touched even a drop. After their passionate tryst, Jack held Elizabeth all night long, not letting go for even a second. The dull hum of Jack's cell phone vibrated against the keys of his pocket. Elizabeth, still half asleep vowed not to move from the safety of his embrace.

He began caressing the small of her back. She took a deep breath to stop herself from laughing as his touch tickled her body. Elizabeth bit her lower lip as she traced his full lips. She felt a slight smile form under her finger. The urge to kiss Jack again rose from deep within her. She pulled her thin body towards his face and carefully grazed her lips against his. He responded slowly to her touch with his tongue for a minute before he was fully revived.

Jack rolled Elizabeth on her back, holding her hands together with his left hand while his right hand wandered over her excited body. "Good morning," he whispered between kisses. Her breathing increased as she arched her back pressing herself harder against his firm core. His cell phone vibrated again interrupting Jack's train of thought. He looked at Elizabeth for a moment before choosing the phone over her.

Embarrassed at the rejection, she quickly unraveled the twisted sheets and covered her exposed body turning away from him as she did so. "I'm sorry," he said planting his feet on the carpet below. "Nick's called eleven times. I'll just call him quickly." Elizabeth pulled the lime green sheet up to her eyes. For the first time since Jack had kissed her the night before she felt completely uncomfortable. She heard Jack sigh loudly before appearing on her side of the bed. He knelt down next to her and put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Nick's dad drinks too much. When he needs to get away he always comes to my house. I just need to make sure he's okay."

Elizabeth nodded. What happened between them meant something different to Jack than it did to her. He pulled on his clothes with his cell phone propped against his ear listening to his voicemail. She wanted to get dressed, too, but was suddenly ashamed of her body. She wrapped the sheet tighter and walked to her dresser to put clothes on. Just as she pulled on a pair of cotton shorts, the doorbell rang.

Jack leapt to the bedroom window with the phone still to his ear. "I can't see anything from here."

Elizabeth pulled a long sleeve t-shirt over her head, dropped the sheet and walked out of her room leaving Jack standing at the window. Confused about why they had acted so recklessly the last few hours, she made her way down the stairs and opened the front door a second after the bell rang again to find Nick Strauss standing there.

"Sorry," he said taking a step back. "Jack's mom said he was over here."

Elizabeth paused not knowing if she should tell Nick he was in her bedroom or pretend she had no idea where he was. Neither of them wanted it to get out that they had spent the night together. How did Latasha know where Jack was?

"Actually," she started not knowing what words came next.

"I'm here," interrupted Jack bounding down the stairs.

Elizabeth could feel Nick staring right through her as if he already knew she hooked up with Jack. "Breakfast?" he blurted out.

"Yeah," answered Jack. "That sounds great, I'm starving. What are you doing up so early?"

Nick's nose wrinkled. "Early? It's 11:30. I can go if you want. I feel like I walked in on the middle of something."

Elizabeth blushed. He had interrupted something intense. "I'm okay," she encouraged suddenly feeling dizzy. She was confused, not just emotionally but also physically. She had never been touched so sensually before.

"We'll talk later," Jack said distantly and awkwardly offering her a one arm hug. He never gave half hugs, not even in front of other people.

Elizabeth watched as he drove away in Nick's car. She slammed the door behind her and stormed the stairs back to her room as loud as a herd of elephants. In a fury, Elizabeth ripped the sheets off her bed, dragged them into the hallway and tossed them off the balcony railing into the foyer below. She turned to the bathroom dropping the clothes she was wearing along the way.

The hot water washed over her body wiping away Jack Bennett's touch and smell. She leaned against the faucet wall and was sobbing before she could control her emotions. Elizabeth had been consumed by lust, drawn into passion, and unable to turn away from love. She had committed the ultimate act of stupidity, even worse than being hooked on drugs. They had unprotected sex. Some people have sex because they want to lose their virginity, some people do it because their friends are doing it, and others do it as a means to prove they like someone. Either way, regret is a natural reaction that comes after two teenagers have sex for the first time. The problem was, there wasn't one part of Elizabeth that regretted having sex with Jack. She was breaking down not because they spent the night together but because he had left.

When Elizabeth calmed down and finished taking her shower, she put on a pair of Carolina blue UNC sweatpants and a matching navy blue UNC sweatshirt. She hit the speed dial on her purple BlackBerry and waited patiently for her friend to pick up. When she heard the voice on the other end she knew it was safe to talk.

"Angela, I hooked up with Jack Bennett last night."

"Whoa," responded Angela. "What happened? Are you guys like together now?"

"No," she answered frustrated. "We're still just friends; two friends that had sex."

CHAPTER 27

**"I never knew until that moment, what it was like to lose something I never really had." The Wonder Years**

Elizabeth had just finished reading a chapter in her book when she heard her cell phone vibrate on her nightstand. Rolling over, she reached for her phone and hit the view button.

"Are you up? Come to the window if you are." The text message from Jack read. Elizabeth walked to her window and opened her blinds.

"Hey," he said.

"What's up?"

"Can you come out? I need to talk."

"Yeah, I'll be right down," she answered. Elizabeth hadn't seen Jack alone since they hooked up the week before. The first few days she dreamed of Jack telling her he loved her. She imagined what it would be like to step in the halls of Charlotte Academy as Jack Bennett's girlfriend. After three days, she realized that dream was never going to become a reality. Now, she was afraid of losing his friendship.

Elizabeth pulled her brown slipper boots and light blue robe and went to meet Jack outside. He was already sitting on the front porch when she opened the front door. "I don't think I've ever sat on my porch as much as I have since I've met you."

Jack laughed. "Me either."

"So, what's up?" she asked cautiously taking a seat next to him.

He paused. "I don't really know what to do."

Elizabeth was starting to worry. Jack wasn't one to beat around the bush. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he answered. "It's just have you ever been confused, like really confused and you're not sure what to do because there's a lot at risk?"

She swallowed hard. Was their friendship the risk? "I'm confused all the time. What is the risk?"

"Losing a good friend."

"Oh, well...maybe." Elizabeth wasn't prepared to lose Jack as a friend. She had to convince him to stay. "You have to tell me more."

"Have you ever liked a friend?" If he wasn't talking about her and she said yes she took the chance that he might figure it out. If she said no and he was talking about her he might give up. "Well, have you?"

"Yes," she finally mumbled.

Jack locked eyes with Elizabeth. "This girl does things without asking. She's able to predict my needs without me saying. She's always there when I need her. It feels like she's really important to me."

Elizabeth was sure he was talking about her. She was outside at eleven o'clock on a school night because he asked her to be. Who else could he be talking about? Her stomach fluttered. No just anyone had the ability to give her butterflies but Jack had just managed to make her feel a hundred emotions in the anticipation of what would come next. Would they have sex again? Would they hold hands in school tomorrow?

"Yes," she said affirmatively.

"Yes, what?"

"Tell her!" she said trying to encourage Jack to confess his feelings for her. "She'd be a fool to turn you down. Don't be afraid of rejection, Jack. She likes you."

Jack looked confused. "No, she doesn't. At least I don't think so."

Elizabeth froze. "What...do you mean?"

"I was texting her last night and I wasn't going to tell her but then I got caught up in the moment and I told her that I had feelings for her." Elizabeth's heart shattered into a million pieces. It was the first time she had experienced true heartbreak. She had fallen in love with her best friend knowing that love would never thrive. How could she have been so dumb to think that a ten like Jack Bennett could ever fall for a two like her? "She just stopped texting me. How do you let someone tell you that and then not even respond? I'm not a stranger, I'm her friend? Doesn't she respect me enough to say something back even if it's not what I want to hear?"

Elizabeth shook her head. She was in a daze. "I...I...don't know."

"What do I do?"

"Geez, Jack, I don't know," she said trying her best to hide her disappointment. How could she possibly sit there and give him objective advice knowing she wanted him and he wanted someone else. Elizabeth didn't even care who the other girl was. All she could think about was how badly she wanted to break down and cry.

"I always tell you things and you always give me good advice. Come on Elizabeth, you're the only one I can talk to about this."

"I'm just tired," she lied.

"You have to give me something," he pleaded.

She shook her head. She wanted to tell him to forget about the other girl and choose her, but she couldn't. He was sitting next to her, trusting her, and it was killing everything inside of her. "She was wrong, not to text you back. Maybe she fell asleep or maybe she thinks this is something she wants to talk about in person. I think sometimes when there is a possibility of things getting overwhelming people tend to take a step back."

"What do you mean?"

She sighed. How could he sit there talking about liking another girl when he was in her bed a week before? "It would be like if I told you right now that I liked you and you would walk away and never talk to me again."

"No, it wouldn't," Jack said offended. "I'd never do that to you. We would sit down and talk about it. You're my friend. I'd never lose you over something like that. We would work it out. I promise you."

She scratched her head in confusion. Nobody is ever capable of predicting the future actions they would take in any given situation. "I'm really sorry, Jack, but I'm tired. I should go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Wait, is that all you have?"

"I'm too tired to think," she shook her head.

"Does this have anything to do with what happened last weekend?" She stared at him unable to respond. "We're still

friends, right?" Elizabeth didn't answer. The words weren't coming to her. "Oh, shit," he mumbled. "I'm so sorry. You're not okay, are you? I said I didn't want to blur the lines but come on, Elizabeth, I'm a man and I just wanted to see your scars and then I got really turned on and I didn't think it'd turn in this big deal."

Big deal? The words stung worse than being attacked by a hive of bees. Suddenly, Elizabeth feared losing her friendship with Jack. If he thought she was making a big deal about having sex he'd never hold her again. He'd never confide in her again. He would slowly walk away and she would be left with nothing. Jack Bennett was used to having sex with lots of girls. Sex wasn't a big deal to him.

"It's not...a big deal. I...I'm into someone else," she choked.

"Good," said Jack. "I need you as a friend. And, this thing with Alicia is really important to me."

Elizabeth bit her lower lip. Her eyes were beginning to fill with tears. "Of course," she said. Alicia Rodriguez, the junior class Brazilian model. It was hard to remember Alicia existed because she missed so much school for modeling. "I'll think about it."

Elizabeth walked into Calculus class the following morning just before the bell rang to avoid conversing with Jack before class. She was going on less than three hours of sleep. Her entire body felt numb. He was all she could think about.

"Did you think about it?" he whispered as soon as Mrs. Petrova started talking. She shook her head. Wasn't he capable of handling this one situation on his own? Be objective, she told herself. She flipped to the back of her notebook and started writing.

Dear J,

Everyone's afraid of something. When you're afraid of losing something or someone

that's when you really realize that you care. Falling for a friend is maddening. You can't help who it is you fall for. People can be best friends, but at one point or another ONE of them will fall for the other. You told me that. It's the real reason all girls are suspicious of girls that are "just friends." We know the guys we've had that were "just friends" we once thought of as more than a friend. The worst thing you can do when you like someone is to deny it. So, don't be afraid to tell someone that you like them. If you do...she might break your heart, but if you don't...You may be breaking hers.

xoxo E

"Some people say, 'Never kiss a friend because that friend will be forever lost,' but what if the one person you are looking for is that friend you've never kissed?"

Elizabeth packed her books up, slid the letter on Jack's desk and ran out of the room towards the office. She had been as objective as her mind and heart would allow her. She had just told him to go after what he wanted and all she could think of was how much she wanted to him.

"Can I help you?" the secretary in the office asked.

"Yeah, can you call my mom and ask her if I can go home? I'm not feeling well."

"Sure, Elizabeth," she answered. "Have a seat. I'll call her." Elizabeth could hear the tone of the numbers as the secretary dialed. "Leighton Benson? Hi, this is Karen Newman from

the....yes ma'am. Your daughter is in the office...no, she's not in trouble ma'am...yes, she's not feeling well. If it's okay with you, we'll go on and send her home. Have a good day. Elizabeth, you can go now. We'll notify your teachers that you were excused. Feel better."

"You don't look sick and you don't have a fever," her mother said holding her backhand to Elizabeth's forehead.

"I just feel really worn down, mom."

"Maybe you have mono. We should go to the doctor and get some tests done."

"No, mom, I'm fine really. I don't think I have mono. I've just been up late studying and I think I just need to catch up on my sleep.

"Honey, if you have mono and it goes on too long your spleen can rupture." Elizabeth looked at her mother and shook her head. "Okay, get your butt in bed and if you're still sick tomorrow I'm taking you to the doctor."

Elizabeth changed out of her uniform. She put on a pair of cotton grey pants and a dark purple tank top. She opened her window and turned on her fans. It was still January. The smell of winter still lingered outside. On her desk, she read what had become her favorite quote. "To the world you might be just one person. But to one person you might be the world."

She wrapped her arms around one of her pillows and closed her eyes. In Jack's world she was just one person. But to her, Jack Bennett had become her world.

Elizabeth woke up to her cell phone going off on the pillow next to her ear. "Hello?" she answered without even checking the caller id.

"Hey, where are you?" asked Jack.

"In my room," she muttered.

"Did I wake you?"

"Mmhm."

"Sorry about that. I'll be quick."

"It's fine. I should get up anyway," she said rubbing her eyes.

"I read your letter." Oh, the letter, she had almost forgotten about the letter.

"I really appreciate you taking the time to write something that significant. I read it over and over again and when I had it practically memorized I read it a few more times."

"Oh," she said not knowing what to say next.

"I just wanted to say that you're a really good friend and I don't think that anyone else in my life would have taken the time or effort to care that much about me."

Elizabeth would do anything for him, even if it meant breaking her heart into pieces. "So, umm, are you going to talk to her?"

"I think if she cared about me she would have said something by now."

"Well, it hasn't been that long. You should give her some time."

"Your letter made me realize that maybe there are other people out there that care about me more and I think it's probably best if I forget about her. There's probably a better option that I haven't considered yet."

Elizabeth thought she would be happy that Jack was not pursuing his current love interest, instead she was furious. He had provoked emotions from deep inside her, emotions that she didn't feel strong enough to deal with. She felt exposed and vulnerable. Last night Jack said Alicia was important and now he was dismissing the idea of going after her because of a well written letter. Elizabeth grabbed her blanket in frustration.

"Well," she said trying not to sound as annoyed as she felt. "I should get some more rest so I can go to school tomorrow."

"Elizabeth?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said holding the receiver further from her mouth so he wouldn't hear the confusion and sadness in her voice.

"Thank you for always being such a great friend to me."

A single tear fell down her cheek. "I'm not always such a good friend."

"Yeah, you are. I'll see you at school tomorrow."

Elizabeth hung up her cell phone and threw it across her bedroom. How could she be a good friend to him when all she wanted was to be his girlfriend? Elizabeth wanted to be Jack's first thought in the morning and last thought at the end of the night. When he held her in his arms she wanted to be the only girl he thought about. She wanted to make him as nervous as she was now feeling just thinking about him. Elizabeth didn't want him out there searching for other options; she wanted him to love her. She wanted him to feel for her everything she felt for him. Why did it have to be so hard?

She glanced at the spot in the carpet under the leg of her wood desk that contained a small razor blade. For a split second, she thought about going back to the dark place that used to consume her. Elizabeth shook her head and turned the other way.

CHAPTER 28

**"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning...breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out...and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how great and perfect I had it once." Sleepless in Seattle**

Elizabeth met Angela at their favorite sushi restaurant, Little Tree. Angela was already in the booth waiting for Elizabeth with the sushi menu circled.

"I ordered the usual. Do you want anything else?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "No, that's perfect." The usual consisted of a Spicy Tuna Roll, a Salmon and Scallion Roll, a Lava Roll, a Crispy Roll, a Boston Roll and a Spicy California Roll with Edemame as an appetizer. "Did you order the iced tea?"

"Iced tea for you and Coke for me."

Elizabeth smiled. She absolutely loved sushi nights with Angela. They always sat at the restaurant for hours, both eating their body weight in sushi and talking about everything. When the bill came, they always laughed at how much they spent in food, usually around forty dollars each, but it was always worth it.

"So, how's Jack?"

Jack, the same friend that she once promised to prove that men and women could be just friends. The same friend that she had sex with. The same friend that confessed he had feelings for another girl. It suddenly occurred to her that maybe Jack never liked Alicia. Maybe he was just pretending to like her as a means to talk to Elizabeth again without leading her on. Maybe Jack knew how she felt about him and he was using Alicia as a means to avoid it. Her heart skipped a beat. Her love for him was getting harder and harder to hide. Every day she felt as though her heart was going to explode.

"He's good."

"Just good?"

"Yep." Elizabeth didn't know what else to say. "He's the same." Elizabeth could feel Angela analyzing her. She hated when Angela did that. Nothing got past her friend.

"Did something change?"

"Change?' Elizabeth asked nervously? The waiter dropped off the large wood board of sushi. Both girls filled their small soy sauce plates and Angela mixed hers with Wasabi. "No. It's the same." She reached in for the Spicy Tuna. She had been waiting to taste it all day.

Angela chewed a bite of the Spider Roll and set her chop sticks gently on the table. "Elizabeth?" she smiled at her friend. "You've been talking for months about how wonderful he is and how he understands you like nobody else does. Out of nowhere you have unprotected sex with him, state you're still just friends yet you haven't mentioned his name at all since then. I think I know why."

Elizabeth sighed and took a big gulp of her iced tea. She nodded. "You're right, I haven't been completely honest. I'm secretly dying," she frowned.

Angela smiled. "This is a good thing. Why have you been keeping it a secret?"

"For so many reasons. I don't even know. I didn't know. It just hit me one day. I guess it's sort of been happening from the moment I first realized he was amazing, but I stuck to what we were meant for. I promised him that boys and girls could be just friends."

"He doesn't care about your promise," consoled Angela. "He cares about you."

"He doesn't like me the way I like him."

"How do you know that unless you tell him?"

"Because he just doesn't." Elizabeth closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, she exhaled slowly. The emotional pain she felt inside was different. The heartbreak wasn't like anything she had experienced before. Nothing had been done to her. Nothing had been said to her. It was just knowing that she couldn't live with him or without him that was tearing her emotions apart. "A week after we had sex he told me he liked one of his friends." She didn't want to admit the possibility that he was lying about Alicia. It was too embarrassing.

"What if he was telling you because you're the friend he likes?"

"I'm not," she mumbled gripping the napkin in her lap. "It's Alicia Rodriguez. And...he told her. But they're not together." Angela's face turned somber. Elizabeth could see the sadness in her friends' eyes. "It's okay. It's not like I ever had a chance with him anyways. I'm more concerned about keeping our friendship."

"I still think you should tell him," suggested her best friend. "You never know what can happen. You're beautiful and any guy would be lucky to have you as a girlfriend. Besides, there's always a chance you're pregnant with his child. And, Bob will figure it out when the baby comes out half black, half white."

"Angela, Bob would figure it out the moment he found out I was pregnant because I haven't slept with him."

Angela smiled. "That's kind of funny." They laughed. "So, tomorrow night I'm going on a date with Liam."

Elizabeth's jaw unintentionally dropped. Along with her two best friends, they had shattered the social ladder and climbed to the top with people that for years never knew they existed. "I'm really happy for you," she forced a smile. Kate was with Nick and now Angela was going to be with Liam. Elizabeth had two options to join her friends, Bob or Jack. Bob was a terrible option and right now she couldn't stand to be around her best friend she that was in love with.

After sushi, Elizabeth pulled up in front of her house, just in time to see Jamie Johnson and Alicia Rodriguez walking in Jack's front door. She ducked down in her front seat and tried to catch her breath. Why was the girl that liked Jack walking into the house with the girl he hated? It was too much to handle. She slowly opened the driver's side door, slid out of her car and ran past her house away from Jack's house.

Elizabeth paced around the neighborhood smoking cigarette after cigarette, consciously not walking anywhere near Jack's house. Thoughts ran through her head like a broken record that spun round and round. Jack had to have liked Alicia when he had sex with Elizabeth, all while Jamie Johnson was trying to get back together with him. Elizabeth wanted Jack in her life so bad but she knew she couldn't stand to know he was romantic with other girls. That was it. Elizabeth felt defeated.

She ran back to her house, charged through the front door to her bedroom.

Once her door was safely locked, Elizabeth grabbed the razor blade from under her desk. She held the cold metal between her fingers as she rocked back and forth on the edge of her bed in the dark. Cutting wasn't as easy as it once had been. It had been months since she cut and a month since she hit her head on New Year's Eve. She had promised Jack that it was behind her. She had promised him that she would find other ways to deal with her anxiety. She had also promised him that she would show him boys and girls could be just friends. If that promise was broken, she was no longer true to her word.

She got up and turned on the light. The dark was making her feel crazy, like the old Elizabeth. She paced in circles around her room trying to breathe. The walls were closing in around her. She opened her bedroom window wider and tried to fill her lungs with the chilly night air. It wasn't working. She pulled the right leg of her black yoga pants to her mid-thigh and then picked up an old golf trophy she had won years ago. Striking her leg several times with the base of the trophy she fell to the floor in agony. Crying, she looked up and saw the words etched into the side of her desk.

"To the world you might be one person. But to one person you might be the world."

Elizabeth barley pulled herself off the floor with her leg pink and throbbing. She picked up the thin blade once more and resumed rocking on the edge of the bed. The tears slowed as she moved the object that used to provide relief between her tiny fingers.

"Elizabeth," she faintly heard her name through the open window. "Elizabeth! What are you doing?"

"I love you," she whispered before making a clean cut across her thigh from the inside to outside.

"No! No! What are you doing? Don't touch it! I'm coming!"

Her hands were shaking. Her body was shivering. She touched her leg, trying to feel the warm blood. She dropped the razor. Her black yoga pants were soaked with blood. She heard scraping against the outside of the house, but Elizabeth's mind was beyond recognizing any reality. Jack pushed the screen into her bedroom and climbed through the window.

"Elizabeth," he called. She didn't even look at him. He looked at the blood flowing from her leg. She needed medical treatment and she needed it fast. He grabbed a towel from the bathroom across the hall and picked her up in his arms. She was barely able to hold on to him. Jack carried her down the stairs and out the front door to his car in front of his house. He ran back into her house and after finding a pen and paper, he wrote her parents a brief note.

Took Elizabeth to the hospital. She had an accident. Jack

He taped the note to the front door and ran back to his car.

"Elizabeth," he called. She didn't respond but she could hear his voice. He gently tapped her face. She moved her head slightly, unable to open her eyes.

Jack held Elizabeth's hand as he sped to the hospital. Less than ten minutes later, he pulled up to the Emergency Room and began shouting for help as he carried her inside with his car still running. Elizabeth didn't open her eyes or move any part of her body. The emergency staff put her on a gurney without asking questions and wheeled her through a set of double doors.

Elizabeth opened her eyes. She tried to sit up but was unsuccessful due the straps holding her arms down. She tugged harder but the restraints only got tighter. She looked around the room. It was virtually empty. There were no luxury comforts like the last hospital room had. There was no television or telephone. She tried to remember why she was there but her memory was foggy.

"Help!" she screamed out. "Somebody help me!"

"Somebody help me!" she heard a man from another room mock.

Elizabeth began crying. She had finally done it. She had finally gone over the edge. She heard a toilet flush followed by the sound of running water. She tried to sit up again to see who was in the bathroom. Part of her wanted her mother, but the last thing she wanted to hear was a lecture. To her surprise and amazement it was Jack.

"You're up," he said quietly. "The nurse said I could stay with you since your parents left."

"They left?"

"Yeah," he said quietly. "Do you want some water?"

Elizabeth nodded. She felt bad that Jack was with her. She didn't know how he got there or what was going through his mind. After all, she had broken another promise to him. She lifted her head as high as she could up and drank from a cold water bottle that he poured in her mouth. "How long have you been here?"

"A few hours," he answered calmly as began removing her restraints. "I'll let the nurse know you're up." He disappeared into the hallway.

Elizabeth touched both arms. She lifted the sheet and blanket trying to find her injury. She couldn't feel anything. She lifted the bottom of her hospital gown and saw the bandage. Jack walked back in the room. Elizabeth dropped the sheet and tried to act as normal as possible.

"She'll be right in. I'll wait in the hallway until you're done."

The nurse handed Elizabeth a small paper cup with some medication in it and explained that the doctor would come by in the morning to talk to her.

Jack came back in a minute after the nurse left. He took a seat in the recliner next to the bed. "I'm sorry," she whispered to him.

He shook his head. "What were you thinking? You could have hit a vein and died tonight. It's a good thing I saw you." Elizabeth started crying again. "I just don't understand why you cut yourself with the blade I took out of the pencil sharpener the first night I met you. Elizabeth I trusted you. I gave that to you. Do you know how guilty I feel right now?"

"You shouldn't," she sobbed. "It was me. I would have found a way without it."

"Why did you do it?"

"Oh my God," she cried louder. "My parents hate me. Now you hate me! I just want to die."

Jack walked over to her bed. "Move over," he said tenderly putting his hand on her shoulder. She moved over. Turning away from him she could feel him get in the small bed next to her. He gently wrapped his muscular arms around her fragile body and rested his head in the crease of her neck. "Don't say that," he whispered in her ear. "Life isn't fair. I know that. It's not your time. You're my best friend and I need you."

"Promise?" she sniffled.

Jack squeezed her tight. His body was warm. All her fears, all her pain was alleviated with his soothing body and placid words. It felt good to be in his arms again. "I promise I'll never

leave you. I promise I'll never disappear on you. I promise we'll always have each other."

A few minutes of silence went by. Elizabeth could feel his breathing slowing down. Her body was tired. She was trying to fight the sleep. She wanted this moment to last forever. "Jack?"

"Mmhm?"

"You're my anything friend. I can count on you for anything. You're the one person in my life who no matter what you say or do, no matter what you've been through, I love you unconditionally."

"You're mine, too."

CHAPTER 29

**"Today is different...I don't look at you the same. I don't look at you and say to myself 'I wish he'd love me' because this morning when I woke up it just clicked...just like that. I realized that you can never love me...you won't let yourself. But that's all on you, not me; it was your decision, not mine. So when you're thinking 'I wish she'd love me' remember that day when you told me that we'd never be anything more than friends." Anonymous**

It was different going to school on Monday after being released from the hospital. Her mother had not harassed her or criticized her. In fact, she actually mentioned being thankful that Jack was such a good friend to Elizabeth. In a small way, it was her way of saying she did actually care, she just had a weird way of showing it. The week flew by, but Elizabeth barely saw Jack except in class.

Elizabeth was stressed out. There was only a month before graduation and about four months before she would be leaving for Duke. Everything was ending too quickly. At the beginning of the year she was hoping that senior year would just end so she could move on. Now, more than anything she wanted to slow down time. It was Friday. She grabbed her purple blackberry out of her cup holder, flipped for his name through her phone book and hit send. The phone rang several times before he finally answered.

"Jack," she said enthusiastically. "It's Elizabeth."

"Hey," he said sounding excited. "What's good?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"I didn't mean that. I meant that I'm feeling a little stressed and I was thinking that maybe if you're not busy I could borrow The Hangover from you. You said it was really funny and it would make me laugh."

"Absolutely," he said. "Hold on one second."

"Ok," she said. She was hoping they would watch the movie together. It had been a while since they had actually sat down together with the exception of the other night in the hospital.

"Sorry about that," he said. "So, I'll stop by with the movie tomorrow. Is that cool?"

"Tomorrow?" she asked disappointed. "Yeah, of course. Tomorrow is great."

"Cool. I'll see you tomorrow."

Elizabeth hung up the phone dissatisfied. She was starting to worry that the events of last weekend had really taken a toll on her friendship with Jack. She wasn't even sure why she did it. It had been so long since she had done anything to harm herself. But Jack had taken her to the hospital instead of calling an ambulance which was a good sign that he cared. And, he stayed with her all night to comfort her when he could have gone home and forgotten about the entire event.

Elizabeth got a sandwich at Subway before going home. She no longer felt like being sociable, instead, she preferred to eat her dinner and watch television alone. She fell asleep watching The Little Mermaid, her favorite Disney Movie. Eventually, she woke up to go to the bathroom and wandered upstairs to her bedroom to sleep. She saw Jack getting out of someone's car and looked at the clock. It was after two-thirty in the morning. Elizabeth closed her blinds and climbed in bed. She didn't recognize the car and wondered if it was Alicia's. It didn't matter, tomorrow, she would hang out with Jack, watch a movie, and talk to him just like she used to. It would be a great day.

Elizabeth woke up early the next morning. She could barely contain her excitement. She was finally going to spend time with Jack. Elizabeth went for a two mile walk. Her leg throbbed the entire time but she pushed past the pain. The sunshine glowing off her face and arms felt exhilarating. She got home before ten, showered and ate two bowls of Cheerios for breakfast.

After turning on her MacBook, Elizabeth glanced out her bedroom window. Jack's Wrangler was parked in front of his house. She sat on down on her bed and started copying and pasting quotes into a document. When she found a sufficient amount, she grabbed her colored pens and the quote book she was starting for Jack and went outside to sit on the front porch with her backpack. If he came out she would be able to hide it easily between her school books.

At one, Elizabeth went inside and made her favorite peanut and jelly sandwich with Reduced Fat Jiff and Smuckers Grape Jelly on wheat bread. She sat in front of the television slowly eating her sandwich with a glass of milk.

At two, she watched a movie on the Lifetime Movie Network. It was about a girl who was terrified to leave home and go to college, so she became anorexic to deal with her stress. Elizabeth checked her phone every twenty minutes. There was no call or text from Jack.

At four, Elizabeth walked outside to smoke a cigarette. She was growing impatient every minute that went by. It was an impatience that came with a gut feeling that Jack wasn't coming over. Jack wasn't going to bring her the movie and he wasn't going to watch it with her. She wasn't going to see him and she wasn't going to spend time with him. Her impatience came with sadness.

She picked up her cell phone to text him but decided against it. When you love someone you dream about them coming to you. The last thing she wanted to do was feel as though she had to chase him. Ever since Elizabeth discovered that she liked Jack, she felt as though every action was on display and she couldn't mess up or she would lose him. It's just a vulnerability she felt when her feelings for him changed.

At five, Elizabeth went to her room to read a book. She found herself thinking about Jack and reading the same pages over and over again because she couldn't concentrate. There was still a long way to go until the end of the night. Maybe when he said he would stop by tomorrow he meant in the evening?

At six, Elizabeth finally gave up on the book and went outside to sit on the front porch hoping that Jack would see her and remember his promise. However, when she opened the front door, she came to another disappointing realization; Jack's Jeep was gone from the front of his house. Elizabeth pulled her phone out of her pocket. There were no calls or texts from Jack. She sank to the wood porch. How could he do this to her? The rejection hurt. It was something she was never prepared to experience, not from Jack. She felt forgotten and worst of all, abandoned. She held her knees to her chest, staring at his empty parking spot in the street.

By seven, Elizabeth was enraged. The rejection was something she didn't want to handle. At first, she was angry at Jack. She went up to her room and started tearing pages out of the quote book she was making him. She shredded every single page until little confetti pieces were scattered around her room. Suddenly, the anger turned on herself. What if she wasn't good enough to be friends with him after all? What if the events of last weekend were more than he could handle? If he was really her friend, he could have told her that his plans changed. Elizabeth realized at that moment that she had been living a delusion. Jack had no respect for her.

She finally turned off her cell phone at nine, trying to fall asleep. Instead, she tossed and turned all night silently wishing that she had never become friends with Jack Bennett. How could he be the boy that took care of her when she was in need and the boy that ignored his promises to her? Elizabeth woke up several times during the night. Each and every time she got a glass of water or went to the bathroom she looked out her bedroom window to see if he had come home yet. There was no sign of Jack's car. The blinds in his room were still up. She knew he wasn't coming home.

In the morning, she quickly turned on her phone first thing. There were several missed text messages from Bob and one from Kate. Just as she feared, there was nothing from Jack. Elizabeth showered, packed up her school books and headed out to the library. It would be less distracting to study at the public library than in her room where the temptation to look out her window every five minutes would frustrate her.

Elizabeth walked around the library until she found a desk in the back, away from most of the study tables where other high school students had gathered. She put on her headphones, played her "Depressed" playlist on iTunes and buried her head in her Government book. An hour later, Bob set his books down at the adjacent desk. She looked up at him, not sure if she was happy or mad he was there.

"I tried to reach you last night," he said sitting down.

"Sorry, I was...ahhh...really tired and I turned off my phone."

He reached over and held her left hand in his. "You know, you make this whole me liking you kind of complicated."

"Yeah," she agreed. "You're right. I...I've just been so focused on school that I'm not sure where all the time goes."

"Look, I really like you. You're smart, funny, and you have goals, which I love. It's just that I can't shake this feeling that I don't mean as much to you as you mean to me." He was finally starting to understand! "I'm practically chasing you down all the time just to talk to you. I don't think I should have to do that. So, if you like someone else just spare me the embarrassment and tell me."

Bob was sitting there actually giving her a way out after all these months. Elizabeth thought for a second about accepting his offer but then realized she would only be doing it because of her feeling for Jack, which were completely unreciprocated. Was it better to be alone pining after someone that didn't like her? Or be with someone that liked her but she didn't really like. Bob didn't seem to care that she was dysfunctional.

"I guess I could maybe try," she blurted out.

"Good, because I really like you, Elizabeth."

She forced a smile. It was almost impossible to say the same thing back. By four, Jack still hadn't tried to call or text Elizabeth. She opened a new document on her MacBook and started typing the first thing that came to her mind.

"What are you doing?" Bob asked.

"English," she muttered.

"Do you want to grab dinner tonight?"

"Yeah, that sounds good," she said turning her computer so he couldn't see what she was typing. "I'm just going to finish up and then head home."

"I'm going now," he said zipping up his backpack. "I'll pick you up at six." He leaned in to kiss her. She kissed him briefly and then pulled back.

"Sounds good," she answered not paying any attention to Bob. What she had to say to Jack was more important right now.

Dear J,

You know those moments when you totally don't want to cry, but...you're not quite sure what else to do? That's how I feel right now. I can't talk to you like I used to, there's just some things that are impossible to say. I developed this bizarre gravitational pull towards you the night we watched the shooting stars and I even warned you, I told you if you didn't stop that you were going to make me fall in love with you. This past year, I've been on this...crazy journey...and suddenly it was like a shade going up in a dark room and light suddenly pouring in. I felt like you understood me in a way that no one ever did or could. And then, recently, the room got dark again.

I promised you I would be your friend. I promised you I could prove that I could be your friend without any hidden agendas or ulterior motives. I didn't lie. I failed. And, I'm sorry I failed. I wanted it not to be true. I really, really did. It's, like, even when I tried to deny it boom...floodgates. As much as I can't take my own advice it's like it feels like if I don't say anything I'll be spending the rest of my life in my own personal prison. The last few weeks I've spent every day thinking about you and dreaming about you and every time I talked to you I lost myself. Do you know what that feels like to have the person you like not have the same feelings back? Jack, I think it's time that I let you go. And it's really hard for me to do because I know

that there's a part of me that will care about you for the rest of my life.

You're going to change the world someday, Jack Alexander Bennett. "You gotta believe." I'll always believe in you.

xoxo E

Elizabeth picked up her cell phone and texted Angela and Kate. "Crisis. Meet me at Starbucks."

By the time Elizabeth got to Starbucks, her friends were already waiting on a couch near the fireplace in the corner. Elizabeth sank into the couch and pulled out her MacBook.

"What's the crisis?" asked Kate.

She pulled up her sent e-mail and showed it to her friends without saying a word. She watched intently as they started reading the e-mail she had sent to Jack. Their eyes got wider the more they read.

"Why now?" asked Angela.

Elizabeth explained about the movie and how stupid she felt for being rejected over such a small thing. She told her friends that she had been keeping it a secret for way too long and that maybe it was time for her to let go because her feelings for him changed and it was hard to be friends with him. Within minutes Elizabeth was in tears. "What was I thinking? I messed up everything?"

"No, you didn't ruin anything," encouraged Angela. "Did he read it?"

"I don't know, he hasn't said anything."

Kate put her hand around her friend. "Well, it's not something that he's probably just going to write back immediately. You just made a huge confession and you kind of wrote a lot." You guys sit here, I'm going to get us some coffee and we'll talk about it.

"I'm proud of you," smiled Angela.

"You are?"

"A few months ago you wouldn't even admit if you got a pony tail holder stuck in your hair. You've come a long way. I don't know how he's going to respond but you should be proud of yourself for sending the e-mail."

"I guess you're right," Elizabeth said not entirely convinced. She noticed Kate motioning to duck down and pointing with her eyes to the parking lot. "Holy shit!" exclaimed Elizabeth. "Jack is here! Get down!" Elizabeth and Angela ducked down so Jack couldn't see them as he walked in the door on the other side of the coffee shop. Kate grabbed the coffee and made it back just in time before he noticed her. "I can't look," said Elizabeth.

"I don't want to be the bearer of bad news," said Kate, "but he's here with a gorgeous, I mean gorgeous girl."

"You realize I just committed social suicide," moaned Elizabeth.

"It's not that bad," said Angela. "He probably hasn't read the e-mail yet. We should sit up and remain calm. When he does read the e-mail maybe he'll ignore it and things will go back to normal."

Elizabeth and Kate looked at each other and shook their heads. "Then I need to be cool. I need to prove to him that I can still be cool."

"Why do you want to be cool?" asked Angela. "He broke a promise to you yesterday."

"Yeah, but I just wrote a huge e-mail that I want to take back and I can't. I need to be cool. Kate, go buy him a piece of cake and have the barista deliver it to his table."

The girls sat up. Their backs were facing the table where Jack and his pretty date were sitting. Kate got up and went to the counter; she came back a few minutes later. "This should be interesting."

The girls tried not to watch as the barista brought a piece of chocolate cake to Jack's table. Elizabeth's stomach was doing back flips. She wanted to run out of Starbucks but her friends sat on either side of her trying to make small talk. After a half hour, Jack and his friend came over and stood next to the girls.

"Thanks for the cake," he said looking at Elizabeth. "It was delicious."

"No problem," she answered.

"This is Trina," he said introducing his beautiful girl. "And, this is Elizabeth."

"Oh," said Elizabeth relieved. "It's your sister!"

Trina smiled and extended her hand. "Nice to meet you."

"Well, thanks again," he said. "We're gonna sit back down."

Elizabeth watched him sit down with his sister. "She's gorgeous."

"That was really awkward," said Angela. "You need to face reality. He read the e-mail."

Kate shook her head in agreement. "Playing it cool worked. At least he talked to you. He's probably telling his sister everything your e-mail said and pretending he has no idea where it's coming from and now he can't be your friend because you turned out to be another one of those crazy stalker types."

"Kate!" snapped Angela. "Or, maybe he hasn't read it yet. Get your phone Elizabeth, it keeps vibrating."

Elizabeth reached in her pocket for her phone. "He has a Blackberry. We have the same phone. His e-mail is synced. Of course he read it." She had four missed calls from Bob. "Oh crap! It's almost seven! Bob was supposed to pick me up at my house at six for dinner."

"What are you doing?" both girls asked unison.

Angela was shocked. "How can you make plans with Bob for dinner, confess your feeling for Jack, try to fix things with Jack and leave Bob hanging?"

Angela was right. Elizabeth was so confused and hurt that she was sending mixed messages in an attempt to figure out what she wanted for her life. "You're right. I have no idea what I'm doing. All I know is I should have never sent that e-mail. I have forever changed my friendship with Jack for the worst." The three girls all turned around to look at him. He was whispering to his sister and he did not look happy.

"You need to fix this, and fast," said Kate.

Elizabeth woke up late for school, on purpose. It was fourth period by the time she got to school. Most of her classes that she had with Jack were already over. She stopped at the office to pick up her tardy pass and turn in the note from her mom before heading to her Spanish class.

"Hola Elizabetta."

"Hola," she mumbled slinking into her desk. Spanish was the only class where they had assigned seating according to their first names, which meant she actually got to sit in the back of class. She pulled out her book and tried to concentrate but her mind was an ocean of confusion. She wasn't sure why Jack blew her off two days ago, or why he had been acting to distant lately, but every time she thought back to the e-mail she sent him she felt nauseous.

Elizabeth didn't know what type of response to expect from Jack. In many ways, she feared that no matter what the friendship would be lost as evidenced by the way their relationship was rapidly changing in a negative way. The words echoed in her head from the night Jack confessed he liked another girl. She wrote them down in her notebook and read them over and over again.

"It would be like if I told you right now that I liked you and you would walk away and never talk to me again."

"We would sit down and talk about it. You're my friend. I'd never lose you over something like that. We would work it out. I promise you."

Elizabeth ran to her car after school, careful to avoid everyone and everything including her locker. She was feeling so self-conscious that she feared the conversation that might come if she unintentionally saw Jack Bennett. She was in line waiting to get out of the school parking lot when her car door opened. Bob Olsen got in her passenger seat. Elizabeth got out of line and parked her car.

"I'm sorry about..."

"What excuse is it this time, Elizabeth?"

"I'm not making an excuse," she said. "It was a simple mistake. I was distracted with Kate and Angela and I lost track of time and forgot. I meant to call you last night when I remembered but it was late and..." Elizabeth looked up just in time to see Jack staring at her as he drove by. His reaction to her wasn't one of happiness. "What are you doing now?" she asked Bob.

"Just going home," he answered.

Elizabeth was stuck. There was no doubt in her mind that Jack Bennett was the boy she wanted. He was her dream, her life, and her goals all rolled into one. Elizabeth couldn't stop thinking about him. She wanted more than anything to take back the e-mail and just spend time with him alone. Every thought of the future contained a piece of him. She could see herself being happy forever with him. Elizabeth wanted to wake up every morning next to him. She wanted to have children with him. She wanted to be his world. Her heart-ached thinking about him. There was no way to rationally explain how she was feeling. It was too much to describe.

"Do you want to come over?" asked Bob.

Any feelings she had for Bob were never in her heart. She was in love with someone else and didn't feel the least bit guilty about it. Bob had brought her a sense of importance. He made her feel beautiful but in a way she never wanted to feel. Bob meant nothing to her. His compliments meant nothing to her.

"I do, I just like have some homework to do so..."

"My parents are going out to my Grandparents tonight. They usually stay out until like ten or so. Come over when you're done with your homework."

Elizabeth wanted to decline but she felt so alone. Jack's car disappeared out of sight. How long could she survive being ignored? "Yeah, okay," she finally mumbled.

Elizabeth drove Bob to his car and then sped out of the parking lot. The traffic had cleared by the time she left. On the way home she was already having doubts about going over to Bob's. Leaving her house meant that she might miss an opportunity to talk to Jack. Jack may be confused or nervous about the e-mail she sent but she really believed that he wouldn't let her down. Jack was an honest man. She knew that they would talk about it and work it out and everything would turn out okay. Things would go back to normal. She was confident.

Elizabeth dumped her books on her floor on her bed and turned on her computer. Jack couldn't have beaten her home by more than fifteen minutes, but she knew she wouldn't be able to concentrate on her homework if she didn't check her e-mail first. Her BlackBerry was an unreliable way to receive e-mail as it fluctuated with her phone service. She signed in to her e-mail and sure enough there was an e-mail from Jack waiting in her inbox, titled "What's up?" She stared at the title for several minutes wondering why he would have written such a casual title. She had written practically a four page e-mail telling him exactly how she felt and he responded with "What's up?" Finally, gaining the courage to read the e-mail, she clicked on the title.

It was good seeing you last night. Thanks for cake. It was tasty. My BB was stolen over the weekend. I just got another one so I'm back on.

I read your email and I really don't know what to say. You are a great friend and I would hope that things won't change but they probably will. I just wanted to say thank you and that you are appreciated. Give me your number. I'm starting all over. Be well.

It was good seeing her last night? Was he drunk when he wrote the e-mail? Elizabeth's head started spinning. Was his cell phone being stolen and excuse or an apology for blowing her off on Saturday? Elizabeth was so confused about the first paragraph that she hadn't thought about the second one yet. She paced around her room pulling at her hair trying to dissect exactly what Jack meant. She finally came to the realization that he didn't mean anything. He was just trying to be polite without being too nice. She sat down at the computer again.

"I read your email and I really don't know what to say." Elizabeth's entire body went numb. "You are a great friend and I would hope that things won't change but they probably will. I just wanted to say thank you and that you are appreciated." Elizabeth screamed. How did "We would sit down and talk about it. You're my friend. I'd never lose you over something like that. We would work it out. I promise you." translate into him reading the e-mail and not knowing what to say? What happened to talking about it? What happened to their friendship and him promising never to lose the friendship over her feelings for him changing?

Elizabeth knew in her heart that people are not capable of predicting how they would act in any given future situation. They can pretend they would do things one way but when it came down to it, they might react differently. It was simple mathematics. Nobody was supposed to do that to a good friend. Why didn't he even have the courage to tell her he didn't feel the same way about her? Was it really that hard for him to say something? Anything?

Elizabeth felt the answer swell deep inside her. It travelled from the pit of her stomach upwards, slowing down to grasp at her heart reminding her that the pain was real, and it was hers to bear alone. The rage finally filled her lungs and before she knew it she screamed as loud as she could, "I HATE YOU!"

CHAPTER 30

**"Anyone could tell me to just give up and move on and I wouldn't, but they don't understand... they don't know him and they don't know what it's like to want him so much." Jenna B.**

Elizabeth sobbed while she attempted to do her homework. Drops of tears fell on her notebook as she wrote. The urge to cut herself popped in her head several times, but she was stronger than that. She had made a promise and she was intent on keeping it, even though she didn't feel that she should have to uphold any promise she made to Jack Bennett.

Her mom called her to dinner, just as she was done with her homework. Elizabeth quickly threw on a sundress, flip flops and applied a little eye liner and mascara to hide her puffy eyes. She put a cardigan on over the sundress and walked downstairs. "I'm eating dinner with Bob," she said to her parents and Colby.

"Is that to make up for missing dinner last night?"

She nodded. "I'll be home later." Elizabeth didn't even wait for permission. She walked out the back door towards her car, trotting past Jack's house. She saw him standing in the kitchen talking to his mom and bolted towards her car. Safely in her Jeep she punched the steering wheel, turned the key and peeled away from her house.

Bob lived exactly seven minutes from Elizabeth. She pulled outside the front of his house and questioned what she was doing there. Putting her decision out of her mind, she put on some Chap Stick before ringing the doorbell.

"You are so beautiful," he said kissing her on the lips. She wasn't sure why Bob was completely enamored with Elizabeth. He took her hand closing the front door behind her and began kissing her again, this time more passionately. He leaned down and kissed her neck. Elizabeth closed her eyes and pretended it was Jack. She began getting dizzy, letting her mind drift back to the night in her bed, when she gave herself to him. She longed for another passionate night with him, another night that would lead to the rest of their lives together.

"Do you want to go upstairs?" asked Bob still kissing her neck. She quickly snapped out of her fantasy and shook her head. Bob grabbed her waist and pulled her towards the stairs. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to do." It was the same fight, just a different day and Elizabeth was so tired. She slowly followed him to the second floor. At the top of the stairs he pulled her to the left, to his bedroom.

Bob leaned forward, knocking Elizabeth backwards onto his bed, quickly climbing on top of her. He was kissing her fast as he unbuttoned her sweater. Embarrassed about how she might look without clothes on because of her scars, she turned her head away from him and put her hands up defensively. Jack had never been rough with her.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "I thought this is what you wanted."

She shivered. "Can you...I need you to...I don't want to do this."

"But I want to see you," he said. "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever met." He started kissing her again, this time even harder. Elizabeth tried her best to slow things down but Bob was too strong for her. He started rubbing her body. "Relax," he said. "This is no big deal. We both like each other."

"Bob, stop. I don't want to do this."

"This isn't your first time. I know you did Jack. It's not that big of a deal. I won't tell anyone." Elizabeth took a deep breath. Bob reached under her dress and yanked her cotton panties off. "I know you want me," he said smiling. Elizabeth thought about Jack, again. Jack would have stopped; he would make her feel safe. "Damn, why aren't you into this?" Elizabeth shuddered in pain as Bob began rubbing faster. She turned her head and refused to kiss him back. This wasn't at all what she expected. Elizabeth closed her eyes and tried to go back to that night Jack made love to her. Suddenly, she felt Bob push inside her.

"That hurts," she cried. "Please stop. You're hurting me."

"It'll feel better in a minute, baby," he said trying to push deeper. Tears fell down her face.

She thought about Jack's brown eyes, envisioning she was in his bed. She could feel the warmth of his body surround her like a cocoon. She instantly smiled thinking about Jack Bennett, the love of her life. Why couldn't he just love her the way she loved him?

When it was over, Elizabeth told Bob she was going to the bathroom. She ran out of the house and drove. She had no place to go, no friends to tell. It happened, in the spur of the moment, she made a decision based on her emotions for someone else rather than her intellect. She purchased a pack of cigarettes and drove to her house. Instead of getting out of the car, she packed her cigarettes and lit one. She closed her eyes and looked up at the stars in the clear night sky. She loved spring in Charlotte. She loved North Carolina.

"Elizabeth," she heard Jack call. She opened her eyes, took another hit off her cigarette and then closed her eyes again. She could hear him talking. It was getting closer and closer. "Yeah, I'll talk to her. Later man," he said hanging up his cell phone. Jack got in the passenger seat of her Jeep and closed the door behind him. "Can I have one?"

He was sitting next to her. Was this the first step to heal their wounded friendship? "Help yourself," she answered.

Jack lit the cigarette and extended his feet out the open passenger window. "Your ass of a boyfriend just called me." Elizabeth took a deep breath and looked out her window. "He said you freaked out on him."

Elizabeth closed her eyes and tried not to acknowledge the inquisition she was facing. Jack didn't know what he was talking about. Bob had crossed the line but was she at fault for going to his house? "No offense, but it's personal."

"When did you guys get back together?"

"What?" she asked confused. "We're not together"

Jack pursed his lips. "Good because last week he was with..."

"Does it honestly matter? It's not like I ever...we never had a...just leave me alone!" she screamed after fumbling with her words.

"What now, you just start taking your clothes off for anyone that wants you?"

Elizabeth was furious. "I took my clothes off for you and you didn't want me. What I do is really none of your business."

"You made it my business when you wrote me that e-mail out of nowhere telling me you liked me." Elizabeth didn't know how to respond. "Look, you confuse me."

"Yeah, well you break promises!" she screamed shoving Jack with all her might.

"Did, he do something to you? What happened?" he grabbed her arm.

"Nothing!" she screamed pulling away from him. She got out of the car, slammed her door and made a run to her house. Jack cut her off, before she could get far. He wrapped his arms around her as she tried to fight for her freedom. She was panicking. She couldn't breathe. It was the second time in the same night that Elizabeth could not fight to break free. They both fell to the ground. Her arm broke free and she took a swing at his face. He avoided her fist and pinned both arms to the ground.

"Stop," he urged her. "Elizabeth, just stop I'm not going to hurt you. You can trust me."

"Get off me!" she cried. "Don't touch me!"

"Did he make you?"

"It's my fault! I went over there! What did he think I wanted to do? I told him to stop. I told him it hurt. But, I went to his house. So, he didn't do anything wrong!"

"Yes, he did. You told him to stop! He should have stopped, Elizabeth!"

"Get off me!" Elizabeth tried to push him off of her. He was more than twice her body weight. He reluctantly backed off and sat on the grass next to her as she held her hands over her face.

"I'm staying with you tonight," said Jack.

"No, you're not. I'm not your problem. I'm fine. I'm not going to cut myself," she mocked standing up, brushing the grass off her dress.

"You're not my problem, you're my friend. I don't think you're going to hurt yourself. I just don't think you'll sleep and I know Bob, he's not going to stop tomorrow until you talk to him. Don't shut me out right now."

"You've been shutting me out!" Elizabeth picked her purse off the front lawn. She pulled out another cigarette and lit it. "You have until I finish this cigarette to tell your mom and get anything you need from your house. And, you're sleeping on an air mattress."

Jack ran to his house and was back in less than two minutes. Elizabeth wasn't sure if she was thankful or upset. The last thing she needed was to be more confused about her emotions. All she wanted was for him to hold her, to make her feel safe again. But, if Jack, her knight in shining armor saved her every time she needed saving, she would become more attached than she already was. How long could she keep him at her side? There would always be other girls and boys getting in the way. How would she ever learn to survive on her own without him always saving her?

He went up the stairs to her bedroom, while she said goodnight to her parents. She closed the door behind her. He was sitting on the chair at her desk with his elbows resting on his knees. "The air mattress is in the basement."

"I don't mind sleeping on the floor," he said.

Elizabeth changed into her black pajama pants and a green tank top in her closet. Jack was still sitting in her chair when she came out. "Do you want to use my computer?" she asked.

He shook his head. She grabbed her cigarettes, a clean coffee mug from her desk and sat down under her window. "You smoke in your room?"

"No, not usually," she answered. "It would be rude if I left you up here and since you're insisting on staying here tonight I don't want to risk sneaking you up and down the stairs again." When she was done smoking, she washed her face and brushed her teeth in the bathroom. She rubbed lotion over her arms and legs before climbing into bed. Jack grabbed a pillow off her bed and lay down on the carpet next to the side of the bed where Elizabeth was sleeping.

"I'm sorry about Bob," he said.

"I was a fool to think I could ever keep up with the A-listers," confessed Elizabeth. "I should have never gone out with him to begin with."

"I've gone out with a lot of bitches," said Jack. "You don't know they suck until you're with them. If you knew who he really was you would have never gone out with them to begin with." Elizabeth rolled over and started crying softly. Why was she prone to make poor choices? Her life was getting back on track. Graduation was around the corner. Her friendship with Jack seemed to be dissipating, but tonight, out of nowhere, he was her friend again. Was it fate that she went to Bob's tonight because it brought Jack back in her life? Or was Bob just a colossal mistake that should have never happened to begin with? "Are you crying?" whispered Jack.

"I fucked up everything," she sniffled. "I fucked up our friendship. And, I fucked up tonight, and I've just been so stupid."

"I'm coming up," Jack said quietly. He got in bed and held out his arms. "Come here." Elizabeth put her arm around his chest and squeezed him tightly. She rested her head against his arm. "I'll take care of Bob tomorrow."

"No, it's my fault."

"It's not your fault," he answered calmly. "Get some sleep."

"Jack?" she called into the darkness wiping a tear from her face.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry I fucked up our friendship."

"You said it, not me."

CHAPTER 31

**"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." Maya Angelou**

When Elizabeth's alarm went off, Jack was already gone. She showered, got dressed and grabbed a banana to eat on the way to school. She parked in her assigned parking spot and headed in to school three minutes before the first period bell was due to ring. Picking up the pace, she walked right past her locker to get to Calculus on time.

"Elizabeth!" she heard a familiar voice yell her name from behind. She didn't even want to turn around and look already knowing it was Bob. "Stop!" Elizabeth sprinted into her Calculus classroom and slammed the door behind her.

"Quite an entrance Ms. Benson," Ms. Petrova said as the class started laughing. "Go sit down, please."

Jack dropped his head as she walked past him sitting in her adjacent seat. The forty-two minute class was horrific. Elizabeth's mind was drifting back and forth between being with Bob the previous night and knowing that he would be waiting outside her classroom for her. How was she supposed to avoid him for six periods? Elizabeth raised her hand.

"What now, Elizabeth?"

"Ms. Petrova, I don't feel so well. Can I go see the school nurse?"

"There are two weeks left of school, Elizabeth. Is this really an emergency?" Elizabeth nodded. "Mr. Bennett, walk

Elizabeth down to the nurse to make sure she gets there without passing out on us." Jack got out of his seat abruptly and headed to the door without waiting for Elizabeth. "Thank you Mr. Bennett for your cooperation." The class started laughing again. "Back to differential equations," she said as Elizabeth closed the door behind her.

"You don't have to walk me," she said. "I'm fine."

"You said there's no such thing as fine," he mumbled.

Elizabeth stopped walking. "Go back to class. You can't use my own words against me," she said angered by his comment. "I don't need you."

Jack put his hands in his pockets and continued walking. "That's not what it looks like from my angle. I get brought into all your drama." Elizabeth's eyes started watering. Why was Jack being so mean to her? "Are you coming?" he yelled back at her.

Elizabeth could feel the sadness swell in her throat. She was about to have an emotional breakdown. She held her breath until she reached the girls' bathroom ten feet ahead and walked inside without saying a word to Jack. Locking herself in the last stall, she hung her backpack on the door and sat down on the porcelain toilet seat. Elizabeth tried to control her breathing the best she could, but soon she was hyperventilating and choking on her tears.

Elizabeth cried the rest of first period, waited until the halls cleared when second period started and headed down to the nurse's office. She was glad Jack hadn't waited for her.

"What's wrong Elizabeth?" They all knew she was the girl that stabbed herself in the girls' locker room in the beginning of the school year.

"I have a bad headache," she said. "I don't want to go home. Can I stay here for a while?"

The older, stocky woman felt her forehead. "Your face looks flushed. And you're eyes are red. Have you been crying?" Elizabeth nodded. "Well, finals are two weeks away. The stress is bound to get to everyone at some point. Go lay down," she said pointing to the make shift cot in the corner of the room. "Are you allergic to anything?"

"No," said Elizabeth sitting on the cot.

"Have you taken anything yet for the headache?"

"No," she answered.

The nurse brought her two Tylenol in a small paper cup and a bottle of water. "You'll feel better after you take this and lay down for a bit."

"Thank you," she mumbled. The nurse closed the curtain. Elizabeth rolled over and faced the wall pulling her knees up to her chest. It was easy for her to feel like the only one in the world who was struggling. She was frustrated and barely getting by, emotionally. The only person in the world she needed was shutting her out and Elizabeth had no clue why. Maybe Jack couldn't handle her admission about her feelings for him. Before Jack came into her life, she felt alone and empty but that feeling was a lie, an emotion in the past once their friendship began. With him, she was able to hold on, to find the courage to wake up every morning and face the world with him by her side. All that was gone now. Elizabeth cried until she fell asleep.

"Elizabeth," she heard her name but she didn't want to move. "Elizabeth, the last bell just rang, you have to get up and go home now."

"School's over?" she asked confused. "I slept the entire day?"

"You must have been really tired. How's your head?"

Elizabeth squinted her eyes. Her head was pounding. "It still hurts," she murmured.

"You probably have a migraine," suggested the nurse. "Maybe you should call your doctor or stop in and see him on the way home."

Elizabeth nodded. "Thanks." She slowly walked down the hall to her locker. Most of the students had already cleared the hallways except for a few. She got to her locker, closed her eyes and rested her head against it. She didn't even know if she had homework. Remembering that she was already getting straight A's in all her classes and this was her last week of high school before finals Elizabeth decided she wasn't going to care about homework anymore.

"Elizabeth!" she heard Bob yell down the hall. She turned around to tell him she didn't feel well and saw him running towards her. Instinctively, she took off running to the parking lot to escape. "Stop running!" he shouted.

Elizabeth broke free from the glass doors that held her prisoner in school Monday through Friday. The sunlight was blinding after sleeping for so many hours. She continued to run down the sidewalk as small crowds of bystanders waiting for rides were pointing at her while Bob continued to pursue her. Out of nowhere, with Nick Strauss at his side, Jack Bennett grabbed Elizabeth and pushed her behind him.

"Come on," Nick demanded. "You don't want to see this. I need your keys."

"What...I don't understand...what's going on?"

"I'll explain, just give me your keys."

"Walk away, Olsen. You're over. She doesn't want to see you or talk to you anymore," Jack said angrily to Bob.

"That's my girlfriend!" Bob shoved Jack. "You can't keep me away from her! I just want to talk to her about last night!"

Elizabeth dug through her backpack frantically searching for her keys. "We have to go," Nick said trying to pull her arm.

"You said that already!" Elizabeth said trembling. "Are they going to fight?" Nick put his hands on his head. "Jack asked me to take you home." Elizabeth found the keys and tossed them to Nick. She turned around to look at Jack. He could be such a jerk and such a gentleman at the same time. He was standing there defending her against one of his friends.

"She doesn't want to talk about last night, Bob. Don't you get it? She wasn't ready! She didn't want you and you just pushed her until she gave in."

"She didn't say no!"

"What do you think stop means?" shouted Jack. A crowd was beginning to form.

"Shove off, Bennett!" Bob pushed Jack again. "I'm not trying to talk to her about what happened at my house! I'm trying to talk to her about what happened at her house after she went home!"

Elizabeth ran over to them with Nick chasing after her. She stood in the middle of the two angry high school seniors. Breathing heavily, she put a hand up in front of each of them. "Don't fight because of me," she pleaded. "I'm not worth it."

"Man, I told you to get her out of here!" Jack shouted at Nick.

"I can't make her," answered Nick.

"Go home, Elizabeth," said Jack. "I'll take care of this."

"No! I'm not going to let you get expelled for fighting when you're graduating in less than two weeks!" Elizabeth could see the frustration on his face. "Jack, you can't get hurt, not over this. You're playing football at UNC in the fall. Don't jeopardize your dreams because of me." Jack took a step back and looked at her. Elizabeth could tell there was something wrong. She looked at Nick. He was standing with his face down.

"UNC football?" laughed Bob. "Wow, that's a little beneath you, isn't it hot shot?"

"I'm out," Jack said. He turned his back to Bob and Elizabeth and started walking to his car with Nick. Elizabeth slowly started walking to her car, parked a few spots down from Jack's. She picked up her keys and her backpack from the ground. Bob was standing almost on top of her when she stood up.

"What the hell? Just leave me alone."

"You screwed him," said Bob. "I called him for help last night because you ran out like a chicken with its head cut off. He never called me back so I came over to talk to you. I saw him in your room, before you closed the blinds. He spent the night with you. You've been cheating on me."

"I didn't hook up with Jack last night!" Elizabeth started walking towards the driver's side of her car. Bob grabbed her backpack and pulled her to the ground. "Asshole!" she screamed before the tears began flowing uncontrollably.

"You did too!" Elizabeth started to stand up. Bob kicked her backpack and knocked her face down on the pavement. Elizabeth could taste the flavor of rust and saw the blood dripping from her mouth.

"You stupid fucker!" shouted Jack. Nick helped Elizabeth to her feet and into the passenger seat of her Jeep. Nick got in the driver's seat. Jack had his arm around Bob's neck. "No matter what you say happened last night, I'm going to destroy you. There are thirty people out here that just saw you push and kick Elizabeth. Nobody will believe you, ever."

"I...ca...n't...brea...the," Bob stammered gasping for air.

Nick started the engine. Elizabeth and Jack locked eyes for an instant. There was something wrong, she could feel it. Jack was keeping something from her. He let go of Bob. Elizabeth turned around to see Bob fall to the ground and Jack walking to his car.

"You're bleeding."

"What?" she asked in a daze.

"You're bleeding," Nick said putting his hand up to her mouth.

"Oh," she said. She lifted up her sweater vest and wiped the blood from her mouth on the navy vest. "Nick? What did Bob mean when he said that UNC football was beneath Jack?"

"Olsen's an asshole. Don't listen to anything he says. We never liked him anyway."

"I thought you guys were all friends."

"Guys don't make problems or create drama. We've always hated him but we tolerate him."

"Oh," she said wiping her mouth again. "Jack's not keeping anything from me, is he?" Nick didn't answer. He pulled her car in front of her house. Jack passed them immediately after, got out of his car quickly and ran up to Elizabeth's front door. "What's he doing?"

"Making sure that jerk never touches you again," said Nick. They got out of her car. She slowly started walking and then suddenly stopped in the middle of the front yard. She saw her mother answer the door, surprised to see Jack standing there. Jack started talking to her but Elizabeth couldn't hear what he was saying. She looked over at Nick, who was now leaning against Jack's Jeep. Elizabeth dropped her backpack and sat down in the middle of the lawn. She watched her mother's facial expressions change as Jack continued talking. She wondered how much he was telling her.

Jack eventually stopped talking and walked back towards his house. Leighton ran over to Elizabeth. "Can you walk? Can you talk? We have to go right now to the Police Station." Elizabeth looked over at Jack. He was leaning against the railing on his porch with Nick. He looked like he was waiting for something. "He beat you up? I can't believe this. I mean, I can, boys get jealous and they try to control you but I can see why you felt you had to have sex with him. He's a scary, scary boy, Elizabeth."

Jack had told her. He told her mother everything. Elizabeth no longer recognized the boy that used to be her best friend. He was standing on his porch watching the show, gaining his personal satisfaction from betraying her. Why? Why would he go to such great lengths to defend her and then betray her? What was he keeping from her? Why was he trying to hurt her? What had she done that had been so bad to him?

"Get in the car, Elizabeth," her mother shouted.

"What about Colby?"

"I'll drop him off on the way. Get in the car."

Elizabeth picked herself off the grass. She could feel Jack's icy daggers shooting her through the heart, breaking it into a million pieces. She slowly got in the passenger seat of her mother's car. She wiped her tears on her sweater and looked to her left.

Jack's face was expressionless. It was cold and uncaring. She had never seen him like that before. Elizabeth looked back towards her house. Leighton was running to the car with Colby bouncing in her arms while she was trying to keep her cell phone at her ear. By the time she turned to look at Jack again, he was gone, so was Nick.

CHAPTER 32

**"That look isn't from just any hurt. That is the look of a girl with a broken heart." Michelle Burns**

Elizabeth waited until the halls cleared out to clean out her locker. She couldn't bear to do it at the same time Jack was cleaning out his locker. This was it, the end of fourteen years of school with Jack Bennett. She would never again walk the educational hallways with Jack. She would never again sit next to him in class, and, at this rate, the possibility that they would ever talk again was getting slimmer by the day. She quickly threw her things in her backpack and ran out of school.

Elizabeth sped to the salon to meet Angela and Kate. The girls had an appointment to get their hair and make-up done before graduation. The only reason she agreed to pay for professional hair and make-up was to ensure she looked her best while sitting in silence next to Jack Bennett at graduation. It was a blessing and a nightmare. Elizabeth shuttered just thinking about it.

"My parents made dinner reservations at Firebirds," said Kate while the stylist was working on her hair. "Then we can go to Zack Saldano's party."

"I might pass on the party," said Elizabeth. "I just don't feel like it."

"It's a celebration," encouraged Angela. "There is no way we're letting you skip the party because Jack is being stupid."

"I just don't understand what I did." She put her head down. The stylist immediately reached down and grabbed her head lifting it back up. "Sorry."

Angela put a reassuring hand on her friend's shoulder. "It's really amazing when two strangers can become the best of friends."

"And, it's really sad when the best of friends become strangers," Kate finished. "You need to stop doubting yourself. You are an amazing friend. If Jack can't handle that he never deserved you." Elizabeth's eyes welled with tears. She sniffled and tried to hold them back. The pain was consuming. "No crying tonight. It's graduation."

By the time Elizabeth got home, her entire family was dressed and waiting on her. "It will take me two minutes to change." She put on her white strapless dress and sat down on her bed to strap her white glitter Betsey Johnson four inch heals to her feet.

"Knock, knock," her mother said. Elizabeth looked up.

"I'm just putting on my shoes. Then I'll be ready."

"I just wanted to tell you not to put on any jewelry," smiled Leighton. "I guess that kind of spoils the surprise but...we'll see you downstairs."

The family was watching Colby play with his toy fire engine when Elizabeth came down the stairs. They all stopped and stared at her. Both her parents were smiling at her. Elizabeth could feel their emotions. They were proud of her.

"Wow, Liz, you look gorgeous," Olivia said beaming. "Congratulations! This is huge! My baby sister is going to Duke!"

"It's not Yale, Liv."

"And, it's not stuffy, either," her sister laughed. "It's what you've always wanted. Doesn't that feel good?"

"Yeah," she forced a smile. "It feels really good."

"I can't wait any longer," said Leighton handing Elizabeth a small black bag with silver tissue paper exploding out the top. "We know you've had a long year," she paused. "We wanted to get you something to show you how proud we are of you. You came out of a tough situation with adversity and achieved your dream. You're going to be very successful. And, all of that other stuff is behind you now."

Elizabeth held the bag wondering how she was going to survive the night. Graduation was something that she had looked forward to with Jack all year long. They were going to be side-by-side smiling the entire time knowing that most of the people they would never see again, but their friendship would thrive forever. Football games, parties, and just having someone close that understood Elizabeth used to be such a reassuring thought. Now, it made her stomach turn. She was going to have to survive college without her best friend.

"Open it!" Olivia said excitedly.

"Colby, do you want to help me?" He dropped the fire truck and ran over to her. Elizabeth took a seat on the couch. Colby began throwing tissue paper behind him. He found the first present, a small black pouch and handed it to his older sister. Solitaire diamond stud earrings. "Oh...wow...I...ohmigosh! I don't even know what to say!"

"There's more," said Leighton smiling.

There were two more black pouches in the bag. One contained a solitaire diamond necklace and the other a diamond tennis bracelet. "Will you help me put it on?" she asked her mother.

"The earrings and necklace are one carat each and the bracelet is two carats total," she said putting the jewelry on her daughter.

"I love it," said Elizabeth hugging her mother, father, sister, and brother.

"We better get going," suggested Robert before his wife and daughters could start crying.

The Benson's piled into the black SUV. Elizabeth looked over and notice the Bennett's getting in their black BMW sedan. She locked eyes with Jack, who was in a black suit, before he got in his father's car. The Benson's followed the Bennett's to the school's auditorium in their black cars. To Elizabeth, it felt more like a funeral rather than a celebration. She sat in the middle of the backseat starting at the back of Jack's head. He turned around a few times on the way to the school. The two families parked next to each other. Leighton and Latasha hugged and congratulated each other on the successes of their children while Robert and Roger exchanged congratulatory handshakes.

"Awkward," whispered Olivia. "Why aren't you and Jack speaking?" Elizabeth shrugged her shoulders. Jack was walking ahead with his sister and brother. She wiped away a falling tear, turning her head so nobody would see her. "Awe, are you crying?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Once inside, Elizabeth took her respective spot in line over her nametag on the floor. The senior coordinator had gone through a lot of trouble to make the procession perfect. Jack leaned against the wall while Elizabeth stared at his back. He was already in his cap and gown. She slipped into her white cap and gown, took a deep breath and patiently waited in silence for the procession to start.

Jack didn't even attempt to make eye contact. Elizabeth's stomach was in knots. His body was inches from her. Elizabeth knew that when a person was really afraid of losing someone, that's when you know how much you love them. Maybe time was separating them for a reason. Maybe time wasn't ready the first time around and she would get a second chance at some point. Falling for Jack Bennett was the most maddening, frustrating thing she could have ever done, even though it was something she had no control over. In an instant, someone that she never used to think about romantically could make her feel more emotions in one second than she would normally feel in a year. Elizabeth used to only feel pain. Now, she felt love, anger, happiness, despair, fulfillment, and disappointment. When Jack was around, she could feel it in every bone, every organ, and every blood vessel because her whole body felt his presence. Her heart and mind felt his absence. Elizabeth held up her shaking hand wanting so bad to touch him. If she grabbed his hand would he hold it back? If she hugged him would he hold her back? If she kissed him would he kiss her back? She could feel her heart beating through her chest. She pulled her hand back and wiped her sweaty palm on her gown. She couldn't even form a sentence in her head because it didn't matter what she thought, all she knew was what she felt. Jack used to hold her when she cried. He always knew how to make her smile. At one time, Jack was her anything friend.

Elizabeth tried to smile as she walked behind Jack down the main aisle and took her respective seat next to him after picking up the graduation program. She watched Jamie Johnson walk across the stage to give her welcome.

"Dear graduating class, family, friends and faculty, thank you for coming here on this..."

Elizabeth opened her program. She felt Jack move to his left, opposite of where she was. What was this? Was he hurting her on purpose? It was bad enough that she would have to endure three months of seeing him coming in and out of his house before they left for college. She needed a distraction. She flipped to the page where all the graduates were listed to see where they were attending college and started at the top of the alphabet.

Christopher Addai Wilmington Community College

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. That was a great way to start an over-achieving class.

Bethany Anderson Wake Forest University

The list seemed more promising. Before she could read the third name on the list, Jack ripped the program out of her hand. Stunned, Elizabeth glared at him. "Give it back," she whispered. He shook his head. "You're such a jerk." She grabbed it back. "What is your problem?" He put his head down. "Of course you're not gonna answer me. When we get out of here, do me a favor and act like you never knew me."

She pretended to keep reading the list but all she could concentrate on was Jack's bizarre action. Wanting to feel good about her own future she sought out her name on the list. Duke University, her dream. It was at that moment that she noticed something wasn't right. There was a typo. Some kind of misprint. A huge error.

Johnathon Bennett Pennsylvania State University

Penn State? That didn't make any sense! He was going to the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill! A sudden lump formed in Elizabeth's throat. The program fell from her lap to the tile floor. She slowly turned her head towards Jack. He was already looking at her. She looked deep in his eyes and knew it was true. Jack wasn't going to UNC. There would be no football games. No dinners together. No parties. No movies. No long walks. Their futures were truly taking different paths.

She took a deep breath as her eyes welled up with tears. She tried to fight it but she couldn't. She grabbed her gown with both hands. The auditorium was getting stuffy. All the oxygen was being sucked out of the room. Jack placed his right hand on her forearm. She yanked it back. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

She shook her head. "No, you're not."

Elizabeth was silent all through dinner. She reluctantly went to the party with Angela and Kate but called a taxi after being there for less than an hour. All of the students were drinking. They were all celebrating the future. Elizabeth didn't care about her future right now. She didn't care about anything. The cab pulled up in front of her house. She climbed in the back of her Jeep Wrangler, leaned against the roll bar and watched her sister and parents through the massive living room window. They were playing some sort of game in the family room and she could faintly see the laughter and happiness her family was experiencing right now.

She lit a cigarette. No matter what, Elizabeth was not going to cut herself. She had come a long way. Even though she hated Jack Bennett right now, she was not going to revert back to her old ways. She was thankful that he had helped her. Maybe it was supposed to end like this. She helped him get an A in Calculus both semesters and he helped her to stop self-mutilating herself.

She looked at the time on her cell phone. For the first time in eighteen years, her parents had not given her a curfew. It wasn't even midnight yet. If she walked in the house now, they would start to worry and things would go back to the way they were. Elizabeth couldn't let that happen. Her parents actually trusted her now. She curled up on the back seat and closed her eyes. The pain would hurt less if she could fall asleep.

Instead of sleeping she smoked. She cried. She sobbed. She wept. She muffled her screams. She punched her back seat. She didn't make a sound as tears streamed down her eyes. She choked. She drooled. She held herself. She wrapped herself in a fleece blanket that was in the back of the car. She smoked some more.

After a few hours, she felt absolutely exhausted. She flicked a cigarette out the car. It was so easy with no windows zipped in. After willing herself to get up and her body not responding she wiped her tired eyes and debated actually sleeping outside. She reached for her cell phone and felt the car shake. She looked up to see Jack standing on the running board, leaning over the top of the roll bar.

"I saw your sparkle shoes sticking out of the car. What are you doing out here? It's cold."

"Go away," she mumbled. "I want to be alone."

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," he said.

"Okay? You know there's no such thing as okay," she snapped at him. "And, yes, I'm fine! No, I'm not hurting myself. I'm just enjoying the fresh air and the stars so you can go now."

"Why did you leave the party?"

"Jack, stop!" She sat up and lit another cigarette and waived it in front of her. "I'm smoking! It might hurt your perfect little football lungs so you better leave."

"No, I have to talk to you," he said offended.

"Oh, you want to talk on your terms? I've been trying to talk to you for the last month and you've been ignoring me. Suddenly, you want to have a conversation? I never realized how completely selfish you were." Elizabeth was aware at how rude she was acting. A few hours ago, she wanted nothing more than to salvage the friendship. Now, her heart was completely destroyed and there was a part of her that wanted to hurt him the same way he hurt her.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. You should have heard it from me."

"Heard what? Heard that you changed your mind to go play football for the great Joe Patano?"

"Paterno," he said.

"Yeah, the legend Joe Paterno. Didn't you say you wanted to play football for Butch Davis, at one time, too? Maybe you'll just keep changing your mind and play for Jim Tressel or Rich Rodriguez? I mean, you're going to be a football God wherever you go, so why should you have told me? The way I see it, you're just full of hot air."

"I get that you're mad but..."

"But what?" she interrupted. "But your life is none of my business and my life is none of yours. Isn't that what you say about other people? How could I have been so naïve to think that our friendship was different?"

"Elizabeth, I don't know why you're taking this so personally? It's my life. I am just trying to make the best decision for myself and my future. It wasn't an easy decision. My parents won't be able to come to all my home games. I'm going to a school where I'm not going to know anyone. My winters are going to be filled with cold and snow and Penn State is in the middle of nowhere. I made the best decision for me. How can you get mad at me for doing that?"

"Jack, we had a plan. I thought I was going to have you next year and the next four years and I wasn't going to have to do this alone. We had a plan! You changed that! And, you didn't even tell me about it! You shut me out!"

"I didn't shut you out," he defended. "I was just trying to get things straight for me. It's my decision and it doesn't have anything to do with anyone else."

"So you just went and changed the plan without telling me?"

"The plan wasn't set in stone. It was an idea and if it turned out that way, it would have been great. Things change. Get over it."

The words cut her like a knife. She was already hurting from rejection and now Jack was telling her to 'get over it'. No matter how much she loved him, she finally realized that he never loved her back. The worst part was, it was impossible to get over something in her mind when her heart still loved him. All she had left was to convince herself that the friendship they once had never existed.

"I gave you everything," she cried. "I tried to be the best possible friend to you all the time. I listened to you when you were happy or upset. You made me part of your life. You made me feel special right up until the moment you cut me out and decided you were better off without me."

"That's not what I did! It wasn't about you, Elizabeth! It was about me! Alright, you know what? You're trippin'."

"I am not trippin'!" She was furious now. "I'm being honest! You used to be honest. At least I thought you were. Maybe I don't know you at all. Maybe you've always just been this guy who is afraid of letting anyone in. Maybe you started off as the guy you wanted to be but that was too much for you to handle and now I'm seeing the guy you really are." Jack looked enraged. He jumped off the car, put his hand up in frustration and walked away. "Coward!" she screamed after him.

CHAPTER 33

**"And even though I know he's a jerk and I know all that he'll do is hurt me, I still love him. I still want him. And I hate myself for it." Michelle Burns**

"He actually told you to get over it?"

"Yep," Elizabeth said to Kate. "I kind of wanted to punch him." The girls were sitting in a corner booth at a Mexican restaurant.

"That's a really rude thing for him to say to you. It's like dismissing your feelings. Personally, I don't think it's useful to say 'get over it' to someone who is obsessing over something. No matter how stupid or silly that person's pain seems to me, if it's real to them then I'm not going to belittle them to their face. Saying 'get over it' serves no purpose other than to provoke resentment. It's not as if they are likely to follow the advice and truly get over it. The only thing that happens is the pity party is extended forever because now they have added insensitivity to their list of obsession."

"When did you become the gate keeper of other people's feelings?" asked Elizabeth. Kate was starting to sound like she could write a book.

"I'm sorry about the wait," the teenage waiter said to them setting down tortilla chips and salsa. "Do you just want drinks right now or are you ready to order?"

"I'll have a Margarita on the rocks and she'll have a frozen raspberry margarita," Kate said confidently. The waiter laughed. "Fine, two Cokes and two waters. I want one crunchy beef taco, one steak taco, one chicken tostada, a chicken enchilada, and a side of rice and beans with cheese on top. Make that extra cheese."

Elizabeth had no idea how Kate could eat so much. She never ate breakfast or lunch and then ate a meal for three people at dinner. "I'll have the cheesy beef burrito, please."

"Look, it's a worthless sentence," suggested Kate covering every corner of her tortilla chip with salsa before sprinkling a little salt on top. "It's like telling someone to shut-up. He doesn't really care whether or not you get over it; he just wants you to stop blaming him."

"Well, who am I supposed to blame?" Kate was silent. Elizabeth guessed what her friend was trying to say. "Me? You think it's my fault?"

"No," sighed Kate. "Of course not. But, I'm also saying that we never know what is going on in someone else's head. We never know why someone does something. It's human nature to want to know but we can't ever know because it's not for us to figure out. Sure, someone can tell us, and that's if they tell us and then we have to decide whether or not to believe them."

"Why is this so hard?"

"Because you love him."

"I think I understand. My life was easier with him here, and now he's gone and it's hard again.  It's so painful, thinking about him leaving for Pennsylvania and feeling like I can't live my life without him but at the same time knowing that I have to."

Kate gave her friend an encouraging smile. "You just have to survive being his neighbor for a little while and then you'll go to Duke and things will get perfect again and then you'll only have to see him during holidays and summers and by then you'll be void of any pain he's caused you."

Elizabeth sighed. "I never meant to love him. That was never my intention. That was never what I wanted. Falling for your best friend is like handing someone the power to break you. It's impossible loving someone who doesn't love you back. It's like one day everything is normal and the next day you realize that you've fallen hard for this boy and when he hugs you your whole body burns and it hurts when you look at him and it hurts when you don't, and it feels like someone's cut you open with a jagged piece of glass. It's really strange because it seems that the less he gives, the more I idiotically want."

"You're not the idiot here."

"It sure feels like it," she looked down as the waiter dropped off the hot plates. "The thing is I'm not even sure why I'm hurt, jealous or upset.  Jack didn't hit me. He just left me. My heart is just broken and I shouldn't even complain about it because according to him nothing happened. I mean, nothing happened to me. I'm just like really upset. I did the right thing. I acted like the friend he counted on. I did the right thing even though it hurt so badly. And, what's my reward? I'm still in pain. Maybe the most difficult choices to make are the ones that deny us what our heart wants most, because the heart wants what the heart wants and it refuses to be denied. I know I'll gradually get over the pain and that it's probably not going to go away go away, for a long time, but I have faith that it has to become easier to live with. One morning I'll wake up and he won't be the first thing on my mind. And then a few months later I'll realize I've made it through half the day without thinking of him."

"When that happens you'll smile again."

"Do you think it might take months?" asked Elizabeth.

Kate shoved a spoon full of rice in her mouth, melted cheese stuck to her fork. "Or years," she said chewing.

"Years?" Elizabeth felt sick. "Fine, but eventually I'll reach a point when I only think about him occasionally because I won't see him, I won't hear about him as much, and random thoughts about him won't come across my mind and I'll stay away from ESPN. I can give up football. I only watched because of him."

"You like football now."

"True but I won't watch it. It's so hard because I still consider him my anything friend, the one person in my life who no matter what he says or does, no matter what he's been through, I love him unconditionally. Unfortunately, this story will never have a happy ending."

"You don't know that," said Kate.

"Yes, I do. I know I'm not the one he thinks about. I know I'm not the one he hopes for, longs for and dreams about. I know I'll never be the one he wants. Maybe there's not much here to love, but I wish more than anything he could just try to love me anyway. Am I that hard to love? Or at least give a chance to?"

CHAPTER 34

"People always talk about that moment when they fell for their best friend. There never was a moment for me and mine. I've always loved him." Michelle Burns

Elizabeth ran her fingers through her damp hair. Convinced she needed a new look, she had gone to the salon the previous day and had seven inches cut and Carmel highlights put in. Her once pale skin had been replaced with a golden tan achieved by lying out at Angela's pool when the sun allowed. She stood in front of the mirror and admired herself. The tips of her new hair barely brushed her shoulders. Elizabeth was still thin, but no longer frail. She vowed to work-out to gain strength and no longer be physically weak. Slowly, Elizabeth was proving to herself that she could survive without Jack Bennett.

She turned on the fan on her dresser to combat the heat from her hair dryer. More than anything, Elizabeth hated being hot when she was fresh out of the shower. She watched her hair fly in the wind tunnel she created until her hair was half dry. Then she began using a round brush to style the new do while she finished drying it.

Once her hair was completely dry she traded in her towel for a pair of white button down shorts and a canary yellow ruffled cotton tank top. Just after graduation, she had rearranged her bedroom so most of her bed was no longer visible through her window. Her vanity now sat in front of the window blocking most of the view if anyone tried to look from Jack's window.

Olivia had finally come home for the summer since moving to New Haven. Elizabeth enjoyed having her sister back in her life, even if it was only for a few months. Olivia spent hours giving her younger sister make-up lessons. Now, every time Elizabeth stepped out of the house, she glided like a model and turned heads like Alicia Rodriguez and Jamie Johnson. School was over. Cutting was behind her. Smoking was an old habit. She spent every day with her best friends when they weren't with Nick and Liam.

Sitting at her vanity, Elizabeth applied her CHANEL Black Shimmer waterproof eyeliner with precision, followed by her DIOR Blackout mascara. She tapped her finger in her Lip Spackle primer, lightly wiped it over her lips and coated them with clear lip-gloss. Between her tan, her make-up and her hair, her green eyes sparkled like emeralds.

The corner of her room was exploding with items to take to school. There was a new twin size down comforter, a Lacoste polka-dot duvet cover with matching sheets, new pillows, toiletries, school supplies and plastic storage bins to transport the materials. Elizabeth picked up the Krupps single-cup coffee maker her mom had purchased for her room. "Caffeine will help you stay up late studying," her mom said. She yawned, tried to remember why she didn't drink coffee and set the box back in the blue bin.

Since giving up smoking, the porch was still Elizabeth's favorite spot at her house. She brushed off the fleece blanket and sat in the corner against the side, turning on the fan she brought outside to stay cool. From the porch, she always had a clear sight to Jack's activities. Elizabeth assumed he had a girlfriend for much of his time wasn't spent in or around his house. She wasn't sure why seeing him was comforting to her. Most of the time she was at peace with the broken friendship but once a day, during her morning shower; she would break down and cry. The reason Jack had turned on her was still uncertain. Her friends had helped her theorize what had happened a hundred times but it just raised more questions than answers.

Nick told Kate on many occasions that Jack never talked about Elizabeth and although the friendship ended as quickly as it began, Jack didn't hate his former friend. Liam said he didn't know Jack enough to begin to know why he did anything and thought his future football career at Penn State was enough to make him withdraw from his former life. "But he still hangs out with his other friends," Angela stated.

Elizabeth watched intently, not even trying to hide her interest as Jack made his way from his Jeep to the front door of his house. He stared at her as he walked, two strangers that used to know everything about one another. Jack looked unusually sad today and Elizabeth instinctively smiled at the thought that he wasn't his happy self. She opened the magazine she purchased the previous day and began reading the article about Britney Spear's comeback. If Britney could get her life back on track, so could Elizabeth.

The sky was overcast, the air hot and humid. The wind from the fan whipped around her that she barely noticed the trees swaying around her. She noticed Jack walk from the garage to his car to retrieve a bag and then back again. Although, she couldn't hear voices in his garage, she was sure he wasn't the only one in there as the light flickered on and off several times. Elizabeth tried not to pay attention. She didn't care what Jack Bennett was doing.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a figure approaching from the Bennett's garage. Her heart skipped a beat, but to her dismay it was only Latasha. Since her friendship with Jack abruptly ended, so had her friendship with Latasha. Elizabeth no longer saw her smoking outside. In fact, she no longer saw her at all. "Hello, Elizabeth," she said kindly.

Elizabeth smiled. "Hey," she replied. It felt awkward to be speaking to her, like somehow she was betraying herself.

"Is Leighton home?"

"No," she answered. "She's at Colby's swim lesson."

Latasha smiled. "I made Jack take swim lessons when he was younger. I told him he was going to be the only African American to swim well."

"I know," admitted Elizabeth. "We were in the same group lessons ever summer till third grade." It was just another example of how many times their lives crossed paths all this time.

Latasha handed Elizabeth a key. "Your mom said she'd bring our mail in and water the plants and flowers while we're gone." She reluctantly accepted the metal key. Jack was leaving. The end was here. Elizabeth swallowed hard. "When's your orientation at Duke?"

Jack had Latasha's brown eyes. He was a taller, muscular version of his mother. Elizabeth hadn't noticed that before. "I...," she took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly trying to regain her composure, "it was last weekend."

"Well, I'm sure I'll see you again before you head off to school. Right now, we need to get my baby to Pennsylvania. Take care of yourself, Elizabeth."

Elizabeth's eyes immediately filled with tears. She turned her head following Latasha walk across the front lawn, over the driveway and disappear into their garage. Through the posts on the porch she saw Jack Bennett leaning against his dad's BMW, staring at her. Elizabeth reached for the railing. The magazine slid off her lap as she pulled herself up. The wind had picked up, the sky much darker now. She wanted to run, throw her arms around him and apologize.

The thunder cracked in the black sky above. Elizabeth looked up at the porch protecting her as large drops of rain fell from the sky in a sudden down pour. Jack had disappeared from sight once again. Elizabeth paced back and forth on the porch deliberating her next step. Today was the day he was leaving to start the rest of his life. He was going to change the world. It was something she still felt, still believed. How could she not be part of his life when he did that? She had to apologize, tell him she was sorry, that she just wanted him in her life again, in any way, in any capacity. She still loved him. She still needed him. The decision was clear, she had to tell Jack how she felt.

Elizabeth leapt over the stairs and landed on the lawn. She bolted across the grass with the water and mud splashing against her legs as she ran. It wasn't until she reached his driveway that she realized the garage door was closed. She turned for the front door when she saw Latasha's white Cadillac Escalade heading down the neighborhood street. Her hair stuck to her face like glue. Rivers of mascara ran down her cheeks, yet she remained motionless until minutes after the car vanished out of her view.

Elizabeth sprinted to her bedroom and dug through her drawers until she recovered the sweat pants and sweat shirt that Jack Bennett had given her a half a year earlier when she spent her first night with him. She quickly wrapped her quivering body in the dry clothes and dove into her bed. Elizabeth wailed, so loud she almost scared herself. The pain was crippling. Jack Bennett was gone. The unimaginable reality was real.

CHAPTER 35

"This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them." Marilyn Monroe

Elizabeth cried for six days straight. She refused to see her friends. She wouldn't talk to Olivia. She couldn't talk or think without sobbing. On the seventh day, she allowed herself to only cry in the shower. She dried her hair, got dressed and put her make-up on. Elizabeth would no longer spend her days crying. She had a life to live and Jack Bennett wasn't going to control her happiness any longer.

"I'm starting a diary," she told Kate and Angela while shopping at Target. "When I'm upset, I can write down how I feel and move on."

"That's genius," encouraged Angela. "You're going to meet another Jack Bennett someday."

"Not too soon I hope," Kate said. She held up two of the same lamps with different color shades. "Which one matches my comforter better?"

"The yellow one," suggested Angela. Kate placed the lamp in her cart.

"There's no yellow in your comforter," reminded Elizabeth. "It's orange and pink."

"I'm keeping it. I think my roommate's Emo. She could use some color in her world. What's next on the list?"

Angela had typed up a college supply list and highlighted it by category. Elizabeth already had most of the items she needed. "Carpet," Angela said. "Like ten rows back." The girls turned their carts around and headed to aisle where the rugs were. "I call green."

"You can't call a color," snapped Kate. "We're not even going to the same school."

"Green would look tacky with your yellow lamp and orange and pink comforter," answered Angela.

"I told you, I'm trying to be colorful. If they have a lime green it would look awesome."

"Purple," Elizabeth blurted out. Her friends stopped pushing their carts and looked at her. She pointed to the lilac shag carpet rolled up on the shelf. "I'm getting the purple one. I don't care if you want to get the same one."

Angela grabbed sage green shag carpet while Kate settled on black. "My roommate will appreciate the lack of color," she mentioned.

Olivia helped her younger sister pack everything she needed. Three suitcases and four storage bins later, Elizabeth was packed and ready for school. Olivia drove back to New Haven two weeks early to get herself ready for the new semester. Leighton drove with her and flew back to Charlotte in time to take Elizabeth to Durham.

Elizabeth was going to be the first to leave and she knew it was going to be hard to leave her best friends. She was only going

to be an hour and a half away from Angela in Winston-Salem and two and a half hours from Kate in Wilmington. They decided not to make saying good-bye a big deal. All three girls would have cars to visit each other once they got settled even though the frequency would be much less than they were used to. Kate planned a final night with dinner at their favorite restaurant, Firebirds.

Elizabeth wasn't surprised to find that the girls had invited Nick and Liam to join them for dinner. They were just as important to Kate and Angela as Elizabeth was. She wondered if Nick would bring up Jack's name at dinner. She secretly wished he would. She wanted to know Jack was doing in Pennsylvania but she didn't have to nerve to ask about him.

CHAPTER 36

**"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." Ralph Waldo Emerson**

Elizabeth pulled her cell phone out after her Sociology night class while she was walking back to her dorm. She heard the phone vibrating in her backpack but didn't dare pull it out during class. She had four missed calls from Kate. She sat down on a bench and called her friend back.

"It's about time," her friend said picking the call up on the first ring. "Where are you?"

"I have my night class on Thursdays. I was on my way back to my room but I saw that you called so I sat down to talk to you. The reception in my room sucks."

"Well, you might want to hurry up and get back to your room," suggested Kate.

"Why, am I missing something?"

"Angela is probably already waiting for you and I'm less than an hour out."

"You're both coming to Durham?" she could barely contain her excitement.

"Yep, but it's just for the night. We're not staying."

Elizabeth's excitement dissipated. "Oh, well it will be good to see you guys even if it's just for one night."

"Yeah, ok," Kate said sarcastically. "Get back to your room and start packing. We have a long trip tomorrow."

"I don't understand..."

"You don't have to. Angela's waiting. Go!" Kate hung up the phone.

Elizabeth ran to the residential quads as quickly as possible. Just as Kate had anticipated, Angela was sitting on a bench outside of Elizabeth's dorm. She threw her arms around Angela and practically tackled her best friend.

"What are you doing here?" she asked excitedly.

"We'll explain everything when Kate gets here. First, we need to go inside and start packing."

Kate arrived thirty minutes later complete with a tan. "Wow, going to school on the beach sure has its benefits," said Elizabeth laughing.

Kate pulled out a duffle bag and started going through Elizabeth's closet. "Do you have winter boots?"

"In the box. But it's not boot season yet. Where are we going?"

"It will be," laughed Angela. "You need some layers."

"Okay, so you might not think this plan is genius but we've been talking about it for weeks and you should just trust us."

"That is not very convincing! You guys are making me nervous!"

"Give it to her," suggested Angela. "Elizabeth, close your eyes."

Elizabeth laid on her bed with her pillow over her head. "You guys suck," she mumbled into the down comforter. "I don't like it when you don't tell me what's going on."

"Oh, stop complaining," said Angela. "We're done, you can look now."

Elizabeth removed the pillow from on top of her head and brushed her static hair away from her face. "Oh, no, you didn't!" Her friends were both wearing white Penn State hooded sweatshirts while holding a third sweatshirt between them. "You guys look, disgusting," Elizabeth said annoyed. "Why would you ever put that on and why would you bring me one?"

"We're going to Penn State tomorrow," said Kate.

"NO," shouted Elizabeth. "We're NOT!"

"Okay, just calm down a second," said Angela sitting next to her friend. "We know Jack hurt you and that your friendship ended on maybe not the best of terms."

"The worst of terms you mean?" said Kate.

"I don't know if you're been keeping up with college football at all...."

"NO!"

"Well, I have," said Kate. "The Tar Heels have lost more than half their games. That's where Jack would have been. Penn State is undefeated. And, this weekend, they're playing Ohio State, another undefeated team in the Big Ten Conference. This is quite possibly the biggest regular season game for Penn State and we're going. You don't have to call Jack. You don't have to text him. He doesn't ever need to know you're there. But, go for yourself."

"How is going to the game going to do anything for myself?"

"Because, I think you need to go see for yourself that he made the right decision. It's time to let go of hating him. You don't have to forgive him, or like him, or want to be friends with him but you need to stop hating him."

Elizabeth grabbed the sweatshirt out of Kate's hand. "Fine, betch."

The three girls slept on Elizabeth's twin size bed. By seven, Angela was begging them to get up. "This is so uncomfortable," she whined.

"Sleep on the floor. We have an eight hour drive. I'm not getting up now," Kate said back.

"Elizabeth doesn't have any extra blankets."

"I have an idea," said Kate. "Angela, sleep in the middle with your head on the other side. That should give us more room."

"I do not want my head next to her air craft carrier feet!"

"I hate you, Kate," shouted Angela.

"Good, now don't talk to me so I can get some sleep."

An hour later, they were all showered and packing up Kate's blue Ford Escape. "I need Starbucks ," she said.

"I need Dunkin Donuts coffee," Elizabeth and Angela said in unison.

"We are the worst travel buddies," said Kate rolling her eyes.

When everyone had their favorite cup of coffee and breakfast sandwich to go with it, Kate programmed the GPS. "We have 464.49 miles to go."

"What is that in real people time?" asked Angela.

"Eight hours or something," answered Kate. Elizabeth leaned back against her pillow. She was exhausted.

"Okay, so why are we wearing white?" questioned Angela. "Aren't the sweatshirts going to get dirty?"

"I don't know," said Kate. "It's some tradition. It was hard to find white."

"Penn State's Beaver Stadium held a White Out during a nationally televised football game between Penn State and Ohio State in October 2005. The first White Out was Oct. 9, 2004 against Purdue. The idea was inspired by Oklahoma State's "wear orange" in 2003. It was a success as almost the entire student section participated, and another White Out took place the next week against Iowa." Kate looked at her friend through the rear view mirror while Angela blatantly turned around. "In 2007, the first stadium-wide White Out was promoted and all fans were encouraged to participate during the home match-up against the Notre Dame on September eigth. The Phoenix Coyotes organization actually attempted to sue Penn State for using the term Whiteout. Penn State in response began using the term the "White House" which further angered the Coyotes. A White Out game usually occurs when there is a night game, or a game that will be nationally televised, like tomorrow night's game."

"So you have been paying attention?" asked Kate.

"Just a little," Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Jack taught me a lot last year when we used to watch college football." Elizabeth caught Angela smile at Kate. "Oh, stop it. Where are we staying tonight?"

"We got a hotel room," said Kate, " and I hope you have money because it's not cheap."

After checking into the hotel room, the girls ate dinner at the hotel restaurant and went up to the room to relax. Elizabeth debated whether or not to text Jack and let him know they were in State College or just go to the game the following day. She felt very weak and vulnerable but more than anything she needed to talk to Jack even though he had hurt her so badly. She didn't know why she needed to talk to him. It wasn't something she could explain. It was something she knew she had to do. Before she knew what she was doing, she grabbed her cell phone and texted him that she was at Penn State and came to watch him play football.

"What are you doing?" Kate asked.

"Isn't this what you wanted? Didn't you want me to text him? Wasn't that part of your plan?"

Kate and Angela looked at each other. "Not, if that's not what you wanted."

"I'm weak, okay?" said Elizabeth. Her eyes began watering. She swallowed hard trying to fight back the tears. "I've been able to get by these weak moments by writing down exactly what I'm feeling at the time and it comes out in a jumble of feelings and thoughts, some not so pleasant, but in the end it actually helps." Elizabeth got off the bed and went for her duffle bag. She pulled out a large journal. "I've been writing to Jack every day since we stopped talking." She handed the journal to her friends and sat on the chair next to the desk. "I tell him what's going on in my life.

How much I love Duke. How my classes are going. I ask him about Penn State. How football is going. I ask him what it's like to play for Joe Paterno. I tell him I miss his face, his laugh, and his electric smile. I miss the way we used to talk all the time. I miss the way he listened to me and always knew the right thing to say. At the end of the day, I ask questions to answers that I'm never going to get. It's the most fucked up thing in the entire world. Do you know that after all the months we were friends I don't even have a stupid picture of him? I know it doesn't seem important, but I'm still in love with him." Elizabeth stood up and put her hands on the iced cold window. "I love him. I always have and always will. He is my destiny." Elizabeth paused and sniffled. "I need a fucking Kleenex." She turned around. Kate and Angela both had tears streaming down their cheeks.

"Get me a damn Kleenex," said Angela.

"Me too," echoed Kate.

The girls feel asleep a half hour later. Tired from crying and driving. They slept until almost eleven, when Angela woke them up whining about food. "I have to eat," she said. "It's urgent."

"You might want to get that starving issue of yours looked at," Kate said yawning. "If you lived in Africa, you'd be screwed because you wouldn't get to eat every day."

Elizabeth picked up her cell phone. There was a text message from her sister, her roommate at Duke and two text messages from Bob. There was nothing from Jack. She shook her head at her friends.

"Maybe he's still sleeping," said Angela.

"You know how you want something so bad but you just don't have the confidence that it's going to happen?" Angela and Kate nodded. "Well, that's how I feel right now. I don't know what's worse, being in love with him after all this time or knowing it was never going to work out."

"Look," said Kate. "If you don't want to go to the game, we don't have to. In fact, if you want to pack up and just leave this frozen tundra right now, we'll do it."

Elizabeth pondered the decision to leave. If there was no hope for a mutual love or at least some sort of friendship then why should she stay and torture herself? It was almost like finalizing a divorce. Elizabeth knew she needed to keep living her life and meeting new people. She owed it to herself to be available when the right person did come alone. It was impossible at this moment for Elizabeth to think she would ever possibly find someone that she would love more than Jack Bennett, someone who would actually return her love. But, she knew she would never be ready if she was still hoping for someone who didn't return her love. She knew what she deserved and that was a happy and healthy relationship. Elizabeth was stuck. She couldn't control who she loved.

"We can't leave," she finally said to her friends. "We came all this way. This is Penn State dammit. Do you know that Joe Paterno is a living legend and he's been on the sidelines at Penn State since 1966 and he is the winningest Division I-A coach of all-time, with 400 career wins! Paterno made Penn State into what it is. With five undefeated seasons under his belt, two national championships, 14 wins in major bowl games, and only five losing seasons in 45 years, Paterno is without a doubt one of the all-time greatest coaches in the history of college football and he doesn't compromise academics just to win games. Even if I don't talk to Jack, just being here is pretty spectacular."

"Good," said Angela holding her stomach. "I need breakfast. Let's go see what they have downstairs."

It only takes one visit to a Penn State Football game to understand why a home game at Beaver Stadium is the most memorable tailgating and football experience in the nation. More than 200,000 fans come down to Happy Valley during a typical home game, inflating the population of State College to the third largest city in the state during home game weekends. The girls were in absolute shell shock, especially after never even attending a college football game. They found their seats quickly. Kate had come prepared with white blankets, warmers for their gloves, white hats and they all had layers of clothes underneath their white Penn State sweatshirts.

The girls jumped up and down when they saw Jack Bennett run out on the field. "There he is!" screamed Elizabeth. "Number 26! That's him!" A sense of rejection came over Elizabeth. She had texted him almost twenty-four hours earlier. Even if he was mentally preparing for the game, wasn't it possible that he could have at least sent her a simple text back?

The girls huddled together standing with the rest of the fans as the snow began to fall during the first quarter. "This is amazing," commented Angela. "I've never seen anything like this before." Elizabeth smiled. The experience was surreal. She tried not to think about Jack and just concentrate on the game.

With less than a minute left in the second quarter, Jack ran a touchdown in to put Penn State ahead fourteen to seven. There were over 106,000 fans in Beaver Stadium all going crazy for Jack Bennett at the almost sold out football game. Elizabeth sat down while everyone around her was cheering Jack's name. She watched as his teammates congratulated him. It was at that moment that she realized why Jack had chosen to go to Penn State over the University of North Carolina.

"We know Jack Bennett," shouted Kate hugging a fan next to her.

"You do?" the man asked excited.

"Yeah! This is our friend, Elizabeth. She was really tight with Jack!"

"You really know him?" he asked Elizabeth. **Looking away from the man, she thought of all the times they had together, sharing laughter, tears, jokes, late night conversations, and then, without explanation he had suddenly disappeared from her life. She finally answered softly, "Once, a long time ago...at least I thought I did."**

**After the game, the girls made their way through the crowds of people back to Kate's car. People were tailgating all around them. "I can't believe what a party this is!" she said. Elizabeth smiled and ran her cold hand over the journal she had been writing in to Jack every single day.**

**Angela turned around and looked at her friend. "He'll text you," she said smiling. "He has to. He's your destiny, right?"**

**"I opened my heart to him," Elizabeth said somberly. "I can't just wait for him to accept that. Things have changed. I didn't realize until tonight that I really lost him. No matter how hard or how much I love him he'll never love me back. I'm not his destiny. I have to learn to be okay with that. I don't understand how I thought we had like the greatest friendship imaginable and then all of a sudden it was gone. Have I always been wrong about our friendship?"**

**"No," said Kate firmly. "You slept in his bed. He slept in your bed. He never judged you. He helped you in a way no one else could. He understood you."**

**"Maybe, I just wanted to believe that he did." **

**"Elizabeth, he's your greatest weakness," said Angela. "And your greatest sense of security. He knew what he was doing. He just wasn't strong enough to follow through. In a way, everyone has their reasons for keeping people away. We all have to protect ourselves. I guess we won't know what his reason was."**

**The girls woke up the next morning. Still, there was no text message from Jack Bennett. They showered and packed up the room in silence. Just as they were about to leave, Elizabeth dropped her back and pulled out her journal.**

**"I just have to do one thing before we leave," said Elizabeth. "I need to write one last thing to Jack." **

**"We'll check out and wait in the lobby for you," said Kate. **

**Elizabeth sat down at the desk. She tapped her pen on the blank page in the journal. Elizabeth began sobbing. She buried her head in her hands and let herself cry. She was the only one in the world his smile meant everything to. She would never again see his smile. Jack Bennett was like a drug that Elizabeth was addicted to. She didn't get to talk to him anymore. He never gave her the chance. She had driven eight hours in a car to watch him in his glory. He put on quite a show. She would never forget that night, that experience, or Jack Bennett. Elizabeth missed the Jack she used to know, the Jack that was her friend, her confidant, the love of her life. Elizabeth thought back to the conversation she had with Kate six months earlier.** **"** He's my anyway friend, the one person in my life who no matter what he says or does, no matter what he's been through, I love him unconditionally anyway. This is a story of a girl who became friends with a boy, a girl who fell in love with a boy. But, this story will never have a happy ending." Somewhere deep inside, between the blurry tears falling from her eyes, she found the courage to write her last journal entry to Jack.

**Dear J,**

**I miss you when something really good happens, because you're the only one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you're the only one who understands me. I miss you when I laugh and cry, because I know that you are the only one that makes my laughter grow and tears fade away. I miss you all the time but mostly I miss you when I lie awake at night and think of all the magnificent times that we spent together**. I know that I'll never hear you say you miss me. Even if you miss me, you're too proud to ever admit it. I guess I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me. **All I want is for you to promise me, just a small promise that you will never forget me. I need to know that I changed you somehow. I need to know that I had an impact on your life. Promise me that you will always remember me. Losing you was hard enough, but I don't want to live knowing I meant absolutely nothing to you**.

xoxo E

CHAPTER 37

"The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will." Vincent T. Lombardi

Jack Bennett walked into his dorm room Sunday afternoon. He threw his bags on the floor and jumped horizontally on his bed, folding his blanket into a mold. He was exhausted from the game the night before and staying up late to celebrate. His parents, brother, sister-in-law, and Jack's sister had just dropped him off back at his residence hall. Jack appreciated that his family had driven all the way up to Pennsylvania to watch him play.

The door opened and his roommate, JT, walked in. "Dude, where were you last night?"

Jack grabbed the football from his final high school game off his windowsill and tossed it up in the air. "I told you, my family was here. I was with them all weekend."

"I have a package for you," JT said tossing Jack the box.

Jack caught the box and sat up. "This better be my new cell phone!" he shouted. "It's taken forever to get!" He started tearing open the box immediately.

"You're the only one I know that dropped their cell phone in the urinal while taking a leak."

Jack laughed. "Shut-up."

"You also dropped your phone getting in your car and slammed the door on it shattering it to pieces."

"They're called accidents for a reason," said Jack. "Besides, it's not like anyone needed to get a hold of me this weekend." Jack logged on to his MacBook Pro and activated his phone through the Sprint website.

"What happens to all the texts and calls you got while you didn't have a phone for two weeks?"

"They're long lost," he answered. Jack's new phone rang. "First call."

"When you hang up, change that ringer," demanded his roommate.

"Hello?" answered Jack.

"Can I please speak to Jack Bennett?" the woman on the other end said.

"Yeah, this is he."

"Jack, my name is Carol. I'm the Guest Service Manager at the Courtyard State College. Housekeeping turned in your book that was left in one of our guest rooms this morning."

"My what? I didn't stay at your hotel."

"My apologizes, Mr. Bennett. It listed your name and phone number on the cover page. I assumed it belonged to you."

"Can I come get it later?"

"Yes, sir. Just come to the front desk." Jack hung up the phone.

"Change that ringer," JT said again. "Nobody wants to hear that crap every time your phone rings."

"That was the weirdest phone call," said Jack. "The Courtyard Marriott just called to tell me I left a book in a room. We didn't stay there last night."

"It's probably some crazy fan. As soon as you go pick it up, you're gonna get jumped," his roommate laughed.

"You're right," said Jack. "Let's go."

"Why do I have to go? "

"You have to go in to get the book so I don't get jumped."

Jack and JT drove to the Courtyard hotel. JT complained that the front desk would ask for identification. JT was a chronic complainer, another freshman starter on the football team. Jack often wondered where JT possibly learned to be the strong defensive lineman he was when he was quite weak minded. When they got to the hotel, Jack left JT in the car, under the carport while he walked inside to the front desk.

"Oh my gosh," the woman said. "You're Jack Bennett!"

Jack glanced at her nametag. "Are you the Carol I talked to on the phone?"

"Yes, sir," she smiled. Carol had to be in her mid-fifties, at least.

Jack ignored her. "You said you have something that you think belongs to me?" Carol reached under the desk and pulled out a black hard cover spiral bound journal and handed it to Jack. "That's not mine. I've never seen it before."

"It's definitely yours," she said. "Not that we read much, just a few entries. Even if you've never seen it before, you need to read it. Someone created something pretty special for you."

Jack opened the book to the first page. The date on the top right hand corner was dated July 1, 2010. He walked over to a chair in the lobby and read the entry.

Dear J, I miss you. It's so hard, knowing you're right next door to me at this very moment. It hurts me so much that we're not friends anymore. To be honest, I'm not even sure why. It's almost like you intentionally tried to push me away. I've tried to come up with so many reasons why I wasn't good enough to be your friend. I think about you every second of every day. I think about why you ever became my friend to begin with. I wonder if I was wrong, were we ever friends? I hold on to this crazy belief that you did what you did not to be selfish but you somehow thought you were doing it for me.

Jack leapt to the front desk. "Carol," he said urgently, "I need to know who was the guest registered to the room where this was found?"

"I can't tell you," she said shaking her head. "I'm sorry. We have to keep our guests' privacy."

"This is important," pleaded Jack. "You don't understand. I think that someone very important to me was here, in this hotel and my phone was broken and I think she left this because she probably tried to call me and I didn't have a phone and she is probably driving back to North Carolina hating me."

"Is this a love story?"

Jack took a deep breath. "It's a story about a boy and a girl and right now it doesn't have a happy ending."

Carol looked at him and began typing fast on her keyboard. "The room was registered to a Kate Mason."

Jack turned in a circle; his feet felt weightless under his strong body. "Elizabeth," he whispered rubbing his forehead.

JT came charging through the circular lobby door. "Are you alright, man?"

"No," swallowed Jack. "I didn't have a choice! They said it was the right thing to do! They made me leave."

"Who did?"

Jack shoved the book into his friend's chest. "Her parents."

261

