She’s done babysitting, and crafting, and
even gardening…but everyone knows what Mama
does best.
And that’s cooking.
With…saturated fats.
Hey, Mama loves to over-saturate things, including
the market…
The only thing Mama over-saturates…are smiles.
It’s Cooking Mama 5, for the Nintendo 3DS.
So if you’ve never met the Mama…I guess
you’ve never…smeared blood on the mirror,
and asked “Mama, may I?”
13 times, as
the 666th full moon reaches its highest point
in the sky.
Review flickers, video turns black and white,
voice is weird: Mama gave that up.
Oh, bull sh*t.
Look, it’s one thing to interrupt people,
and try to posses people.
But you don’t have to feed us your
lies.
Mama only feeds you her sushi balls.
Eat my balls.
Alright, that was the scariest thing she’s
said.
Nonetheless, if you’ve ever played Cooking
Mama, you’re gonna feel right at home with
this one.
It’s a big collection of
touch-based cooking games.
There are more than 60 recipes, each one requiring
you to play through a series of minigames.
Basically, you have to prepare each ingredient,
step by step…and you’re graded every step
of the way.
Once you’ve finished the dish, Mama adds
up your grades and gives you a final score.
Not as final as I’d like…
What was that?
I said “Let’s cook some pike…”
So that’s pretty much the bulk of the game,
cooking different dishes.
If that sounds familiar, it’s because that’s
been
the bulk of all five of these games.
And honestly, there’s not much variation
from game to game, either.
This one feels
an awful lot like the last one, and sometimes,
it even seems to have the same games.
But I’ll say this, they’re always
done well, and that’s once again the case
with Cooking Mama 5.
I mean, touch controls aren’t quite as popular
as they were when she debuted, but still…few
people do them better than
Mama.
Playing this is like a flashback to the early
days of the DS, when developers were really
pushing themselves to
innovate…to break that old concept of, “Push
this button to do that thing.”
Those days were a lot of fun.
If only for that 2006 nostalgia, so is Cooking
Mama 5.
But you know, that’s also the problem with
Cooking Mama 5…and actually, the entire
touch revolution.
It sort of
just…stopped.
Like, it got to a certain point…and then
it became exactly what it was intended to
fight.
It became tired,
and stale.
And it stopped evolving.
There’s no evidence of that that’s more
appropriate…than Cooking Mama 5.
I mean, yeah…there are some cool modes and
stuff.
There’s single-cart multiplayer, which is
great.
And there’s also new
minigames, where you get to help Mama with
chores outside of the kitchen.
Feeding pets, things like that…but mostly,
this is still just more Cooking Mama.
Which means it plays great, and it sounds
cute, and it looks really polished and
colorful…
But it’s also…just more Cooking Mama.
Well, what would you like me to be?
Oh, here we go again.
No, no, don’t get that attitude with me,
or I’ll possess your ass.
You know, I’ve been in that kitchen for
almost ten
years…
I know, slaving away…
Slaving away…and this is what people say?
That I need to change?
You don’t think I want to change?
Mama, I’ve heard this.
I’ve heard all of this.
Why do you think I’m f*cking with your lights?
I could’ve been Electrician Mama.
Yeah, but even then, you’d just be doing
minigames.
…You’re mean to Mama.
No, I’m not.
I’m just.
You’re mean to Mama.
Mama’s angry.
Mama’s mad.
No, Mama, please.
Every time you possess me, I get this headache,
and I can’t eat sushi for, like, a week…
Well, say you’re sorry.
Look, I’m just doing my job, Mama…
Say you’re sorry or I’ll do it.
I’ll possess you and all your goddamn friends.
Okay!
Okay, I’m sorry.
Sorry annnd…
Sorry, and…Cooking Mama 5, though a bit
familiar, is still a very good 3DS game.
I can live with that.
Good, I’m happy to hear that.
I’d rather live inside you.
Wait.
Mama, wait!
Noooooo…
