First up,
the college admissions scandal.
Three months ago,
we found out that dozens
of parents were paying millions
of dollars
to cheat their kids' way into
college, but in their defense,
it was only because their kids
were dumb as shit.
Well, today,
the courts gave us a taste
of the punishment
that's about to come,
and, unfortunately, the taste
isn't very satisfying.
In Boston, the first defendant
in that massive
college admissions cheating
scandal was sentenced today.
TV REPORTER:
 John Vandemoer pled guilty
 to federal racketeering
 charges,
 admitting he took
 $610,000 in bribes
 to try to get privileged
 students admitted
 at Stanford through
 a side door.
 Prosecutors asked
 for 13 months in prison,
 but his defense attorneys
 argued for leniency,
 saying he used the money
 to pay for sailing uniforms,
 equipment and staff costs.
 The former head coach
 of the Stanford University
 sailing team,
 sentenced to one day
 behind bars, time served,
 two years probation
 and a $10,000 fine.
My actions were wrong.
I see that now.
But my intentions
were to help the team.
I will carry this with me
for the rest of my life.
Wow.
He got sentenced
to just one day?
I've been stuck in the airport
longer than that.
(laughter)
And it's funny
how people only notice
that they were doing a bad thing
after they get caught.
"My actions are wrong,
I see that."
Get the (bleep) out of here,
man.
So when you were taking
$600,000 in bribes,
you didn't think that was wrong?
You were just like,
"I'm getting a weird feeling
but I want to see where
this goes. Yeah."
Like, do you understand
how greedy it is
to take bribes
as a sailing coach?
Being a sailing coach
is already a scam, all right?
You just hang out
all day on a boat,
and you wear sweats all wrong.
You don't even have to work,
the wind does all the work
for you.
But let this be a lesson
to the kids, yeah.
If you're black
and caught using weed,
you could spend years in jail,
but if you're a coach
at Stanford convicted
of racketeering charges,
you might have to go to prison
for the rest of your night.
In other news, the tech industry
has recently come under scrutiny
for how all of the products
that they're offering
affects society at large,
and today, members of Congress
held a hearing to discuss
a new technology that's got all
of them spooked: Deepfakes.
Today, there's gonna be
a hearing on deepfakes.
Now, if you don't know
what a deepfake is,
it's artificial intelligence
technology that can create
 realistic-looking
 but fake videos.
 House Intelligence Committee is
 gonna discuss the challenges
 of deepfakes and other
 manipulated media.
 Congress has gotten
 very worried
 about how easy it is
 to fake media
 and how it could impact
 the upcoming 2020 election.
TV REPORTER: There have already
 been a number
of prominent deepfakes
 spread online,
 and just last week,
 artists uploaded
 this deepfake video of Facebook
 CEO Mark Zuckerberg
 delivering an ominous message.
 And how did he make
 such a convincing fake?
 With free software,
 a regular desktop computer,
 and some basic programming.
Okay, this is really scary,
especially with the presidential
election coming up,
because bad guys could use
this technology to make videos
of candidates saying things
that they didn't say.
Like, they could make a
candidate say something racist,
or with Trump, they can make him
say something not racist.
And this isn't just
about politicians.
Any of us, any of us
could get deepfaked, yeah.
You might even start seeing
videos deepfaked of me.
Like, they could
fake videos of me
on South Africa's
 Dancing with the Stars,
even though that never happened.
Never, never, ever happened.
And, personally, I'm not
worried, because, you see,
like, I can tell which videos
are real, which ones are fake.
I work with videos all day.
But I worry about you guys.
I actually had my graphics team
here make a deepfake
to help teach you
how to spot the difference.
I think we're very alike
in many ways,
and I think that's what
makes it work, and I think
that's why people respond
to the fact
that we got together.
We're alike, but except
I can't sing, dance, act,
and I don't look like her,
besides that, we're twins.
Okay, that was weird.
They just played a real video
of me and my wife J. Lo.
Um... Sorry, we'll try to find
the fake video later.
Let's move on, because we've got
some very sad news to report.
White House press secretary
Sarah Huckabee Sanders
is quitting.
(whooping, cheering, applause)
No, I... I said...
I said she's...
I said she's quitting.
I said she's quitting.
And, uh, we know that this
is true because she's denied it.
(laughter)
But this news isn't that
surprising because you realize
she stopped giving
press conferences months ago,
so it's just quitting
what she already wasn't doing.
She's basically quit
being press secretary
the same way
Trump quit CrossFit.
So let's move on
because there is breaking news
about a major
archeological discovery
that'll blow your mind, man.
And it turns out people
have been getting high on pot
for at least 2,500 years.
Archaeologists
in far-western China
say they have found
the earliest direct evidence
of marijuana use.
 It includes ten wooden bowls
 containing burnt residue of pot
 apparently used
 in burial rituals.
That's right. It turns out
humans have been getting high
since 500 B.C.
So I guess now we know
why they call it the Stone Age.
Yeah.
(vocalizing)
If I had a band,
that would have killed
even harder.
Uh, and it's interesting
how the archaeologists
discovered it.
They found bowls
with burnt-out weed,
and they also found DVDs
of the hit prehistoric movie
 Dude, What's a Car?
It also must have been weird
being a caveman
who discovered weed, right?
He was probably sitting there
with an unlit blunt in his mouth
looking at his friend like,
"Man, this weed is amazing.
"And once we discover fire,
this shit's gonna hit
even harder, man!"
