

First published 1996

2nd Edition: Copyright ©2013 Brendan Roberts

All rights reserved

Published by Kiwi Graphix

Cover design by Kiwi Graphix

Cover illustration/painting by Trevor 'Ofamo'oni

Printed in New Zealand

ISBN 0-473-04153-7

# Imprimatur: PatrickDunn, DD

  1. Bishop of Auckland, New Zealand

## 25 May 1996

# Censor Deputatus: Thomas McFall CSSR

The imprimatur is an official declaration that a book or pamphlet is free from doctrinal or moral error. No implication is contained therein that those who grant the imprimatur agree with the contents, opinions or statements expressed.
DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to my ICPE friends and especially to the founders: Mario & Anna Cappello, without whom I would not have been set free, and would not have found my identity in God. You have been a great encouragement & inspiration to me. May God bless you 100 x for all your sacrifices and your suffering.

I would also like to dedicate this book to Pope John Paul II & Mother Teresa who are an inspiration to Millions, and to the Saints especially Father Maximilian Kolbe. You have also been an inspiration to me. Plus my friends who have encouraged me while writing & approaching Publishers.

I would also like to dedicate this book to my parents; you gave me life & raised me up with honesty, integrity & love.

And most of all to Jesus, you gave me life and have encouraged me so much to be who I am, a son of God.

_AD MAIOREM DEI GLORI AM_ \- _For the Greater Glory of God_
INTRODUCTION

I'm a New Zealander who comes from a large family consisting of; my parents (a retired policeman and a faithful housewife), two brothers - a manager for a telecommunications firm and ex-policeman; a boat builder; four sisters - one housewife with three children, a nurse, a mother with two children working in insurance, and an ex office manager now full-time mother, and finally myself - the runt of the family - I'm a personal assistant, and author.

I was born in a village called Kaponga (Car-pong-a), Taranaki, which is situated on the West Coast and halfway down the North Island of New Zealand.

This book is about how a young Catholic would go to Church once a week - rain, hail or shine, and in sickness and in health (unless a Holy Day of Obligation 'persuaded' him to go more often). Then race home for Saturday night TV, or to go out, and who finally came to accept Jesus consciously into his life (explained later in detail) and desire more than anything to follow God and His plan for his life, to obey Him, and to have Him be pleased and crazy about him.

This commitment would mean an amazing journey thousands of miles, with many life-changing and great experiences. This young Catholic was actually me and Jesus has and is continuing to set me free! Please read on to see how.
CHAPTER 1

**SCHOOL** \- A **TIME OF HELL!**

To realise how I became trapped and fearful of the future it's essential to share with you some key experiences from my school life.

On an ordinary, fresh and warm summer morning in New Zealand, being an excited and slightly apprehensive young man, as this was my first day at college, I was astounded to discover what awaited me.

"Don't associate with him, he's not worth it!" someone mercilessly knocked the excitement from me. The feelings of, "Nothing has changed!" assaulted me.

After Primary School I thought things would turn out for the better. Like turning over a new leaf – I was hoping that my fellow students' behaviour would be different towards me. I didn't know that it would actually turn out to be my worst nightmare.

"Hey Trev! You're a nerd!" I said with a big smirk on my face as I teased one the most popular guys at school.

Thump! My arm reeled under the solid impact and the pain soared through my arm. I knew there would be a huge bruise by the following day.

_Why was I_ so _cheeky?_ The answer is because I wanted to be noticed and accepted, liked by the 'in-guys', the dudes. My heart was screaming out for acceptance, to dispel the lonely and desolate feelings that weighed me down.

"Hey! Leave him alone you bully!" one of the popular, and rather pretty girls came to my rescue. I savoured the moment, relishing this attention for my ego had been enriched.

"Hey, this girl likes me because she defended me!" This thought was only a little consolation for my loneliness. But it brought me more emotional and physical pain as I sought to be defended.

Lance, one day my friend and another my worst enemy, would ridicule me, stating there was no hope for me and that my life wasn't worth living. Another student, Grant, after I would call him a couple of names to provoke him, would hit me, grunting as he used my arm as a punching bag. The pain would leave me clutching my arm. Manufacturing a grin I tried to conceal the agony soaring up and down my arm. I didn't want him to see that he had hurt me, as I didn't want to give him such satisfaction. I also wanted to show that I could take the pain.

Going home at the end of the week, with ugly dark bruises on my arms and legs was not the main cause of my pain, nor was it due to the fact that my dignity was stripped away time after time. Something else hurt much deeper and lingered longer than my physical pain. This was the pain of loneliness. "Who are my friends?", "Who likes me?" I questioned.

But my attention seeking was my way of saying, "I like the attention!" – the deeper longing of acceptance won the day.

It was also great fun for them to pick on me. Maybe this was due to being quite a short guy (one of the shortest) during most of my time at college. To his and others' amusement one older guy used to grab hold of my ears, and lift me up while still holding onto them, leaving me standing on my tiptoes screaming for his mercy. But what had I done to deserve that? I asked him for clarification one day, "What have I ever done to you?"

"Nothing" was his reply.

"You're ugly!", "You're such a wimp!", "You've got no friends!", "They hate your guts!",

"Why don't you go and kill yourself?" These words cut into my heart like a knife. As they verbally taunted me, I acted like it didn't hurt, trying to ignore the comments. But inside I was hurting like hell. The more these words were hurled at me the more I began to believe them. I began to believe the lies!

Self-pity took over. I said to myself, "No one likes me!"; "Who is my friend?", "They treat me like dirt!"; "One minute they're my friends and the next minute they act like I'm nothing, like I don't exist!"

"Why me?" I cried out to God. But I thought God was someone too far away to hear me, let alone care. Part of me believed in Him and another did not.

_Why didn't I fight back?_ The reason was crippling fear. The fear was so powerful! I thought, "If I fight back, I'm going to get my head so utterly bashed in. That bully is so much stronger than me." I would be glued to the spot, frozen.

Feeling abandoned, self-pity ruled over me like a dark storm cloud, oppressing, trapping and suffocating me. I was longing to be set free. I still had my times of feeling happy, but part of this happiness was the focus of bringing hurt and pain to others.

"Bart! You're a nerd!" I verbally attacked one student wearing big horn-rimmed glasses, whose deep voice and lanky frame fitted the ideal picture of the epitome of uncool – this was my perfect scapegoat.

Seeing a pained expression spread over his face as I verbally cut him to pieces brought me satisfaction. Shamefully, I experienced no guilt blasting him with insults again and again.

At home I sought attention, crying to be accepted and loved. But as a result I was called a pain! The more I sought attention, the more I was called a pain, and the more I felt hurt. I was also called useless. These insults ripped apart my self-esteem. Both at home and at school being called names convinced me to believe what they said. I believed the lies!

With the teachers it was a similar story. Generating some noise, for example, blowing my nose like a trumpet, or screaming with pain as someone thumped a heavy blow on my shoulder, would land me in trouble. At first it was great that the assailant would get in trouble for assaulting me, but after some time the teachers began to blame me for all the screams. Here was another nail to my coffin of self-respect. The grave was already dug; all it would take for the end would be suicide. "Even the teachers don't like me, and don't give me a fair chance." I thought.

I wasn't invited to any parties as I was considered a nobody, uncool, and a nerd. At the completion of my third year at school I was included in an invitation to a friend's place to celebrate the end of the school year. There was surely an abundance of alcohol at the party. Apart from people throwing up, the hosts parents and teenagers screaming at each other, and another student destroying his car after totally losing it on the metal road, it was a good party.

Since I wasn't invited to parties I found another interest, computers. Besides being a lot of fun, they helped me gain more friends as we had the common passion of solving games and swapping ideas. It wasn't enough to have these friends only on some weekends. I wanted to be liked all the time.

To add to my time of 'hell', I flunked School Certificate (My third year at College). I had to endure the shame and terror of another year at the third year level – a failure. Here was another nail being driven into the coffin of my self-respect. It was so terrible to not only be known as a failure, but to have to see all my fellow class-mates leave to another level in school reminding me where I could have, or should have been. Plus I had the fear of the unknown. "Will those in my classes next year like me?" Also the thought of, "My parents will see I am failure!" "I am a disappointment to them!" Not only was my self-respect being put in a coffin, but it was being torn to shreds.

Basketball was my favourite sport in college. I was no Magic Johnson, but I tried really hard. I'm sure if I saw a video of myself now, I would probably laugh. It must have looked so comical as me, the underdog of our team, would get the ball, and at times literally freak out, throwing it to another team mate, or at times to the opposition, or aim for a goal and see the ball fly under the net and the backboard. That would explain why the other guys loved to sub me off very frequently – actually most of the time. I should have been given an award for "Most Subbed off player ever!"

During my second year of playing basketball, I was on our School's Intermediate team, and scored my first goal. The ball flew from outside the keyhole and through the hoop. I stood there with my mouth agape – stunned. So were my team-mates.

I really hated school. This was due to being treated so badly by so many different people, adding a nail to the coffin of my self-respect. Though I may have deserved a beating sometimes, I didn't deserve to have my self-confidence and dignity ripped to pieces, and discarded like I was worth nothing.

As a result of the coffin being almost ready for burial, it would have been logical that the next step could have been suicide. Sadly in New Zealand, we have one of the highest rates of suicide as per our population. But I was afraid to take that final step. Maybe it was too final for me, maybe there was a glimmer of inner hope within me that just new it was not the answer, and that things could change in the future.

I had already been sucked into the lie of hating myself and life, and so with my self-respect in shatters, I developed a really low self-image. Subconsciously I leant further and further to the negative interpretation of things. I began to think that everyone was always thinking the worst of me. I was afraid of what others were thinking about me and I came to fear making friends. Subconsciously, I believed that when someone discovered who I was, they would reject me. I was afraid of rejection.

### CHAPTER 2

DEATH OF A FRIEND

During 1985, those over fifteen years old were given the opportunity to participate on the _Outdoor Pursuits Centre_ programme at Taupo (situated in the middle of the North Island of New Zealand). To be accepted I had to pass a fitness test, and as I was so afraid of this as it included climbing halfway up a rope in our school gymnasium. But to my complete surprise I actually managed to reach that half-way point. I was so happy that I was able to overcome that barrier.

At the Outdoor Pursuits Centre we were to undergo a week of kayaking, tramping, and confidence courses which were packed with challenges, comradeship, overcoming personal barriers, and fun, aching muscles and lost sleep. But at the end of the week, unknown and unbelievable to us, a terrible tragedy would strike.

With a team I tramped up Mount Ruapehu (Ru-a-pay-who), covered by about one third of snow. Shivering in icy crisp breeze we held our pickaxes firmly, and were ready to use it to stop in an emergency as we recalled the training we were given.

Our team hadn't tramped very far up the mountain before we were given the opportunity to have some real fun. We began marching through light snow only just covering the rocks and then the snow underfoot became thicker and softer. In my possession, was a plastic bag which was larger than me. When we stopped to amuse ourselves I asked our instructor for permission to slide down the snow while lying inside the bag. He refused, telling me that it wouldn't be safe. I accepted his answer as he was the expert.

Sitting on the plastic bag, I shuffled with my feet to gain some momentum, and as the speed picked up, I tightened my grip on the pickaxe safely in my hands.

I began hurling down the slope, and I realised that I was travelling too fast, and I began to lose control as I was spinning 3600. I was so terrified! It was time to put the training into action. I tried to anchor myself by digging the pickaxe into the snow, but it slipped right out of my gloved hands. Now I was totally out of control.

"Oh my God! I can't stop!" I thought as the adrenalin pumped crazily through my body. Petrified as my momentum increased at a now sickening speed, I thought, "This is it!" With desperation I dug the heels of my boots in the snow. The snow sprayed in all directions, like sparks from a blow torch. But to my relief I was slowing down and coming under control, and then I came to a halt. It worked! I just sat there shaking both inside and outside. If I had been inside the plastic bag I doubt very much whether I would have been able to stop myself. The result would have been either ending up seriously injured or dead. I had escaped this danger with my life.

But for one of my schoolmates, Declan, it was a different story. His group were tramping up another part of Mount Ruapehu with contrasting conditions to ours; the snow they were stomping on was significantly icy and harder.

As a result of the conditions Declan slipped, lost his pickaxe, and came to a stop at the edge of a cliff. One of Declan's close friends offered his own pickaxe to him. But to everyone's horror he slipped again and fell over the edge of a 50 metre bluff.

We were gathered together in a room with pained and shocked expressions. We had just been informed that Declan had been injured. "How could this happen?", "God why did you let this happen?" I asked.

The priest accompanying us, Father Foley, tearfully broke the horrific news to us when we were together. Declan died before the Rescue Helicopter could reach the nearest hospital. We sat in stunned silence. Nothing could have prepared any of us for the shock that overwhelmed us.

The following is part of the testimony Father Foley wrote about Declan in our end of year College Magazine:

"There is no doubt that Declan was a normal and active pupil at Pompallier College. He liked playing sport. His favourite in summer was tennis. He also played for the School Cricket XI. The winter months left him free to play rugby for the Pompallier Under 16 team... His sudden and tragic death on the 11 June 1985 changed all that. It brought the school, his family and all who knew him to reflect on those deeper qualities we took for granted. Declan had a good sense of humour with an inbuilt ability to diffuse a heated situation. His easy-going manner reflected his fun loving attitude to life – he enjoyed himself... Through Declan the whole school grew to know what it is to be a family. What it is to depend and trust in God. He has made real that which so many have worked to bring alive. This uniting effect was so powerful when at his funeral about 700 gathered to farewell him. Through his life and death Declan gave something truly precious to Pompallier. Such an enormous contribution requires some acknowledgement. As you read this, stop, and offer a prayer for Declan who gave so much..."

This was probably my first experience of death. Declan was a good guy and really popular. It was tragic that someone so young was taken away from us.

Like me, I'm sure the others were praying a great deal and questioning God too:

"Why did he have to die?", "Is there life after death?", "Why? Why? Why!", "Why wasn't it me?"

As well as questioning why God let Declan die, I also questioned God, "Why didn't you take my miserable life?"

Looking back now, and after experiencing more deaths I believe that you can look at death in two ways:

* That death is pointless, hopeless and has absolutely no purpose.

or

* That our loved ones, through our prayers (we were crying out to God, "God, please take Dec1an to heaven.") and God's mercy are having the time of their lives, with great peace and joy which we can't even imagine. Death is not the end. It is just the beginning – the door to eternal life. Their suffering is over. They are set free.
CHAPTER 3

YOUTH GROUP

1986 was the year of my second attempt at School Certificate. I was also picked on by these classmates. Nothing had changed.

It was during this year that a friend invited me to a Youth Group called, "Antioch". We mainly hung around playing games, for instance pool, table tennis, volleyball, etc. It was _fun,_ but I didn't go often.

At the end of the year we had a class retreat. During this retreat we played different games, and we discussed topics ranging from God, to friendship. It was a very interesting time to hear what others thought and how they felt on these topics. At the end of the retreat we wrote our names on a piece of paper. We wrote only encouraging aspects about each person on each individual's sheet of paper. As a result we discovered different truths and gifts about ourselves. The following comments were written about me:

"Enduring, gutsy, forgiving, sporty, has a go at everything, mixes with all kinds of people, sharing, lots of character, a person that takes so much has to be absolutely wonderful, would help anyone out, tries hard."

I was astounded, as I didn't expect such nice comments to be written about me. In fact I had expected them to write comments like, "A pain", "A real smart arse", "He bugs the hell out of me", and "Deserves everything he gets."

These compliments really encouraged me. However, I was soon thinking they were only being nice and that they had written these comments because they had to.

As a result I regretted that the retreat was held at the end of the year, and that I didn't believe and accept what they had written about me. Self-rejection was winning because I accepted that I was a "pain", a "wimp", and "my life was a mess". I couldn't break out of this pattern.

My next outing with our parish youth was during November 1986, when Pope John Paul II came to visit New Zealand. During this time I met Jim Nash who would later become a good friend of mine, a friend for life.

The Pope's visit was really invigorating and rewarding. We were part of a Youth Rally consisting of almost a bus full of youth from Pompallier College, Whangarei. During the rally we were the ones making the most noise. It was inspiring to stand amongst those of my age group, shouting and applauding when the Pope came out. The atmosphere was incredible! This old man, had an amazing rapport with youth – we could tell he had a respect a love for young people. When he addressed us youth we went 'crazy' – yelling and waving as he encouraged us. We had a sign saying, "We can change the world!" and the Pope told us that we could with Jesus.

During the following year a friend, Mayghan, gave me an invitation that would be a stepping stone to come to know God in a deeper way. Mayghan invited me and some others from school, to a group called "Youth Renew."

Knowing each other in this group had its advantages and disadvantages as we were from the same age group at school. But the truth is we didn't really know each other, we didn't know how each person felt about life or God. The more we met the more we came to know and to a certain degree, understand each other as we shared together.

On 16 March 1987, we went to a Youth Rally in Whangarei. This guy, Louis Palau was raving on about God. To tell you the truth I found it quite boring. But when he said "Jesus died for you.", "He loves you!" I felt as though he was just speaking to me. The realisation that Jesus had in fact died for me was overpowering. This was the first time that I publicly "gave my life to God" as Louis would have termed it. I was saying to God, "You be number 1 in my life", "I want to do your will." and I realised the meaning from making such a commitment to God.

I walked to the base of the stage at the front, in which it seemed like all eyes were on me as I made this momentous decision. There was a sea of people at the front and I prayed a prayer of commitment together with this gathering of people, and someone prayed for me. This guy put his hand on my shoulder and started talking to God. _WEIRD STUFF! I thought only a priest does that._

When I publicly committed myself to God nothing really dramatic happened. I didn't feel anything, like a lightning bolt zapping me and God saying, "You're mine!" However, I did experience an incredible peace when I was prayed for.

Looking back, I believe that God was leading me through times and circumstances in which I would have the opportunity to commit myself in a deeper way. It's like someone who takes up a sport. They don't commit psychologically, time wise, or there whole self straight away, nor psychologically. But the more they see the value in the sport, the more they commit of themselves.

There was no way I could commit myself totally to God; I was holding back, scared that I'd get hurt.

This was the year I committed more of myself to the Youth Group. We had a couple of youth camps, dances and car washes (including ourselves!). Also, we performed an Easter drama mainly about Jesus' trial and crucifixion. It must have been fascinating observing these young people in church shouting, "To the top, king of the Jews!" and then it must have sent a few shivers down the spine when we yelled, "Crucify Him! Crucify Him!"

The following year another opportunity presented itself for me. I joined another Youth Group activity called, "Bible Study". This was very similar to "Youth Renew" except for the name, the style, and different leaders. We would sing songs to praise God, and not only discuss different themes of the Bible, different Bible characters, but from life itself with what or who we thought God was; key social issues (poverty, nukes, abortion, and euthanasia); Catholic teachings ego Corpus Christi - the Body and Blood of Christ.

At Bible Study we also had fun as we sang and participated in crazy action songs. We also cracked jokes, played games and reflected on Christian and secular rock songs ego " _Friends are friends forever, if the Lord's the Lord of them, and friends will not say never, 'cause the welcome will not end...So a lifetimes not too long to live as friends."_ There was also "That's what friends are for" sang together by Dionne Warwick, Elton John, Gladys Knight and Stevie Wonder – _"In good times and bad times they'll be right there by your side..."_ That's what I felt; these friends would be with me through good and bad times.

At this stage, the Bible didn't enthuse or excite me. When I started to read it, I began like one would when reading any book, from the beginning. It held my interest, with the story of Creation, and Adam and Eve. But once I hit the long 'boring' details, it was a slog to read. These details include, "This is the list of the descendants of Adam..." After reading most of the names of the descendants, I had reached my limit. I either give up reading the Bible, or skip the names. But before I knew it I stumbled across the measurements of Noah's Ark – and that's long! But, to tell you the truth, I was more interested in war novels, westerns, thrillers (blood and guts), romances, and adventure books. But over time with dedication and prayer the Bible became more important. Often the words would leap out at me and touch my heart.

Being part of a small group, who have the same or similar beliefs as you, really builds trust and friendship as you share together. I could see that these friends liked me. They listened to my views and did not belittle me. But my self-esteem had taken a severe battering and it was only the start of it being rebuilt. I was still afraid of losing these friends – that they'd be nice just for the sake of it.

But upon reflection I believe that God doesn't want us to mope around feeling sorry for ourselves. But he wants us to have fun, and joy and to love others! I'll mention this later and in more detail.

Steve Barker, one of the youth leaders of _Bible Study_ , had a great impact on me. He had something that I didn't have. It wasn't his outgoingness because I also was outgoing (but with self-rejection and fear). Steve knew God as a friend, while I 'knew' (to know is more than coming to conclusions) God as someone way out there, or far out there in space, holding a telescope to one eye (Big brother's watching you), and waiting for me to make a wrong move and WHAM! I thought I was doing my duty as I went to Mass once a week. But I didn't really talk to God unless I needed or wanted something. I was using God as a crutch. After Mass most of the time I couldn't even tell you what the sermon was about.

I didn't believe that God cared for me or loved me. As for the Mass, it was as exciting as a Soap Opera, for example "Days of our Lives". A hymn or an enthusiastic priest might break the boredom and bring a spark into the Mass. I remember how one priest would use Snoopy to liven up His sermons. Our priests would talk about something in life that we could relate to, including Snoopy, or they might utilise a good joke.

Even at the age of 17, I still didn't understand the Mass. To be honest, at times I couldn't wait to get out. We were taken to Mass by our father rain, hail, or shine – "in sickness and in health" every week. Maybe that was the Irish ancestry that had been brought to New Zealand as my ancestors settled in New Zealand.

My understanding of God changed slowly. This was the fruit of Steve's commitment and dedication to helping lead Bible Study. His burning enthusiasm and knowledge helped foster my desire to know and love God more and more.
CHAPTER 4

GOD'S CALL

God really used Steve to bring me closer to Him. Steve is someone who is bursting with enthusiasm, dedication, commitment for His love for God.

In 1988 Steve decided to leave his work as photographer for our local newspaper and joined a Bible College called "Faith Bible College", an interdenominational College (consisting of different Christian faiths such as Catholic, Anglican and Evangelical). There he could immerse himself to learn more about the Holy Bible, grow more in his relationship with God and learn how to share God's love with others.

I travelled down to Rotorua with some friends for Steve's graduation. The fun I was having was so captivating, as was joy that was displayed at the graduation by the participants of the Bible College. An immensely burning desire to also participate in such a school began to overwhelm me.

The following year my friend, Rachel Luxford's (also an ex-classmate) parents joined an evangelisation School called the International Catholic Programme of Evangelisation (ICPE) for four months in St Gerard's Monastery in Wellington, the capital city of New Zealand. ICPE is an organisation with a vision for World Evangelisation, and the training of Catholics to share their faith in Jesus, to serve the Church and to live their faith. Therefore they train Catholics to affect the world for Christ and to live what they preach. They proclaim the Good News because: they believe it; they love God; they want others to experience the joy and freedom of knowing who they are and have the hope of eternal life.

_Hang on, wait a minute! What do you mean by evan, evan-gel-isation?_ Mother Teresa gives us a great and simple definition: "To know Jesus and to make Him known" or to "have Jesus in your heart and share Him." As the saying goes, "you can't give what you 'aint got." I like to say that it's sharing God's love with others through our words and actions.

There are many different forms of evangelisation. Examples include: sharing with those asking what you believe in; teaching your children about Jesus and the Church; posting religious topics in Facebook; and proclaiming the Gospel through drama/music/dance.

Evangelisation is not just for priests; it is also for the laity. One can also evangelise through their vocation. That is, one can live the virtues and as St Francis of Assisi says we can "evangelise others but only when necessary use words".

Pope John Paul II said that the Church exists in order to evangelise. I believe that a Church that doesn't evangelise is in trouble of becoming sick spiritually, or dead (young people leaving the Church in droves and either none or few newcomers coming in).

I didn't hear anymore about ICPE until the Wellington ICPE School had finished. Three women in their 20's came up to visit the Luxford's in Whangarei. They visited our Bible Study and shared about how they came to know Jesus personally (thus deepening their faith) and about some of their experiences with ICPE. They testified to God's faithfulness in preparing people's hearts before meeting them and they changes to people's lives after meeting them. They also shared how God was so faithful to providing financially for them to be missionaries. In my heart I knew what they were saying was the truth and the joy of the Lord in their lives impacted me greatly. The seed for me to do what they were doing was planted in my heart.

After the Bible Study meeting they offered to pray for anyone who wanted them to. I approached them a little hesitantly.

"What would you like us to pray for?" they asked me/

"I've been wanting to join a Bible College" I told them, "but now I am so confused whether God wants me to go to Bible College or ICPE". They laid their hands on me and prayed for me. They then encouraged me to say a prayer for myself.

"Dear Lord, when you test me let me waver and not fall, to show that I'm not perfect" I prayed.

Yes that was a weird thing to pray. But God would indeed answer that simple prayer in a way that would leave me astounded.

One of the young women had a word from God which is also known as a prophecy. It was very long so I could only recall a snippet of it: "Brendan, you are my son... I love you.... have faith." This prophecy was so beautiful and extremely encouraging. I felt ready to follow God wherever he led me. Nothing else could have been more encouraging to me. _God spoke to me, He loves me!_

I really like the idea of ICPE especially being for Catholics. I've had some tiring, trying and "shell shock" experiences with some of my fellow Christian friends trying to convert me. I wish they would respect what I believe. These "shell shock" experiences didn't help me draw closer to God. They actually hurt my faith as they made me a bit wary of delving deeper into a personal relationship with Christ and deeper into my faith.

From this day on the vision of me joining an ICPE school began to grow. My desire to join such a school was intense. But there was a major problem. I had sent a letter to ICPE asking them to notify me when their next ICPE School would be. Their reply shocked me: there was no further schools planned for another year or so as they were still training staff members who had stayed with them follow their previous schools. However they would keep me on their mailing list and let me know of any schools being planned.

I was so enthusiastic about the vision and was afraid the vision would die if I had to wait a year or more. God was closing the door and telling me to wait. I didn't know that He would open a window for me later on.

From this time on God wanted to teach and mould me, and to prepare and test me. Therefore He was answering powerfully my prayer to "waver but not fall".
CHAPTER 5

CONFIRMATION & CHARISMS

In 1988, I started my first full time job as a junior computer operator with an accounting firm. I acquired the position on the completion of a 16 week Office Systems course and knocking on the door of the company without arranging for an appointment beforehand. I was referred to the accountant who informed me that one of their employees, a senior computer operator was sick with cancer. He proceeded to give me hope by telling me that if he couldn't return to work there might be a position for me. To my surprise it was only a couple of weeks later that he actually died.

After a three month trial period I was summoned to one of the partner's offices and was astounded that he gave me my marching orders as I didn't have enough accounting knowledge. Therefore I couldn't produce much "productive" work, whereby the clients could be charged. He also confessed that they shouldn't have hired me as they weren't really prepared to take anyone one.

Stunned, speechless and crushed I left his office. I felt like I had been kicked in the guts and didn't relish the thought of joining the unemployment queues once again. I also didn't relish facing my parents with the news and seeing them worry about my predicament.

Only a month passed before I found another job. At this stage I resorted to applying for any job as I was frustrated with being unemployed. The breakthrough was being employed as a Stock Control Assistant. I thought there was hope in this position to further my career in computing as the managing director told me that the company was looking at upgrading its computers in the future. But this didn't eventuate and ninety five percent of my work consisted of sitting in front of a manual filing system where I picked up an invoice, filled out on the card the date, stock number, amount of stock used and the remaining stock. Then I finally returned the card to the file and placed the invoice in a pile which I would bundle together in lots of one hundred. The other five percent of the position consisted of typing occasionally and doing 'dogsbody' jobs.

"What do you think about the position?" my boss asked me when my three month trial period had concluded.

"Well, I'm, um, er ... not totally fascinated with it, but I'll give it my best until I find another job." _Now this honesty should go down well. Who could refuse such genuineness?_

But a knife was subsequently and promptly thrust into my back: "But Brendan ..." My 50 year old co-worker proceeded to twist the knife: "you know you haven't been working as hard as you could have ..." She twisted the knife close to my heart, and then piercing it said "You've been slow and lazy!" I was shocked and felt so betrayed. I could thus identify partly to how Jesus would have felt being betrayed by Judas. I sat there like a stunned fish had made no reply. So I was kicked out the job.

This was the same year in which I decided to be Confirmed. That is, to undergo the hammer, wham! No, I mean to undergo the Sacrament of Confirmation, not cremation, lol. This was my chance as a Catholic to commit my life and my future to the Lord. This was my choice to say, "Yes!" to God and my faith, but in a conscious way. I was now old enough and mature enough to decide for myself. When my parents had me baptised (as a baby) I didn't who what was happening of course. However, I'm truly grateful that they did, or else I would not be the person I am today. I doubt that I would know God like I do and have had the same experiences of life that I have had both good and bad.

Two older friends of mine, Mike and Sarah, agreed to sponsor me for Confirmation. They would walk through the programme with me and join the instruction meetings with me. Like Steve, they were close to God than I was. They knew Him better than I did.

As the day of Confirmation drew near I became sick. My eyes were streaming and my nose was running like a tap (faucet) and fast than A C Green (American basketball player).

Mike sprung a surprise visit on me just before Confirmation. He had to fight his way through my incredibly messy room to find me. But he had some nutritious goodies for me – oranges and lemons.

On the big day, we Confirmation candidates stood at the front of the church and recited (professed) our baptismal vows. They go like this:

"Do you reject Satan?"

"I do!" (Too right! That snake tries to make people think that God doesn't exist or that He doesn't care about them.)

"And all his empty promises?"

"I do!" (You bet, because that 'worm' lies through his crooked teeth and promises only a temporary illusion or 'high' e.g. drugs.)

"Do you reject sin so as to live in the freedom of God's children?"

"I do!" (Yes, the truth will set me free!)

"Do you reject the glamour of evil, and refuse to be mastered by sin?"

"I do!" (Lord help me! Give me the strength to reject evil when I'm tempted so often as the T.V often preaches the opposite of what you want for us.)

"Do you reject Satan, father of sin, and prince of darkness?"

"I do!" (I want light, peace and love – not darkness, hate, bitterness, jealousy and fear.)

"Do you believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and earth?"

"I do!" (Yes God created me and loves me!)

"Do you believe in Jesus Christ, His Son, our Lord, who was born of the Virgin Mary, was crucified, died, and was buried, rose from the dead, and is now seated at the right hand of the Father?"

"I do!" (Jesus went through excruciating pain for you and for me, and died the ultimately humiliating death – hanging on a cross as a criminal with nails piercing his hands and his feet. Every breath He took was absolutely painful – wicked and excruciating torture! But WAIT! He also conquered the power of death; we could thus have the choice of eternal life by following and loving Him.)

"Do you believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting?"

"I do! (Surely, the Holy Spirit is God's right-hand man, and is working in the Catholic Church. But we don't always recognise what He's doing. The Holy Spirit worked in the lives of the Old Testament prophets and in the New Testament through the Church, and still continues to do so today. We don't believe that Satan is hovering over us all the time and tempting us all the time. He's not omnipresent (able to be in more than one place at the same time). But he does exist. We need to have a healthy understanding that he and all that represents him, such as evil, does exist and can influence us if we let it. But most importantly we should remember that God is more powerful than all the evil that exists.)

Bishop Dennis Browne approached each of us, laid his hands on our heads and prayed for us for the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Later he dipped his thumb into blessed oil and made the sign of the cross on our foreheads saying, "Be sealed with the gift of the Holy Spirit."

"Amen!" I responded. This means "So be it" or "You bet, I accept!"

Like the Apostles at Pentecost, I received a full outpouring of the Holy Spirit, along with the gifts of the Holy Spirit. I was thus strengthened as a Christian to follow Christ.

Mike and Sarah, as my Confirmation sponsors gave me a present, a plaque with the inscription, "I am the Lord ... I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go (Genesis 28: 13, 15). They also gave me a very touching card with the inscription:

"The special moments in our lives

are blessings from above,

to gladden hearts and fill our days

with thankfulness and love."

They also wrote on my card, "God sees you as being very special and so do we." This touched me that they saw my life as being of such precious value.

Dad also gave me a plaque as a present. Inscribed on it was:

"JESUS SAID:

A new commandment

I give unto you

that you love one another

as I have loved you (John 13:34)."

One day my friend, Kris, invited me to a group called "Prayer and Praise". I went along to check it out. Little did I know the surprise which was in store for me. I was greeted at the door by a friendly middle aged lady with a huge smile. During the meeting I scanned the sea of faces and the room flourishing with grey hair. To my delight there were four of my friends from our parish. This helped me feel less like a fish out of water an alien in a strange land.

Everything was fine and it was exciting to sing such normal and lively songs. But it was what happened at the conclusion of each song which freaked me out. Just as the song finished most of the people started calling out "Thank you Jesus!", "Praise the Lord!" or other strange pronouncements.

But that was still normal compared to what others did. I was really freaked out and I thought I was with some really crazy people when some spoke or sang in a language which seemed foreign or just out of this world. This language has a name (can you believe it?), it is called "tongues". The guy next to me began speaking in tongues. It was so scary and irritating as he spoke practically in my ear – well it certainly seemed like it.

Add to this picture of weird people, many of them raising their hands in the air with palms open as if to receive something or palms facing away from them like they are at a rock concert. I know the priest does the former gesture at Mass with his palms open, but in this situation it was so much to take in: simultaneous exclamations to Jesus; speaking or singing in tongues; and raising their hands in the air. _These people are certainly crazy!_

I continued to join Prayer and Praise because I liked the music, the smiles of welcome were genuine and caring, I felt loved and accepted and most of all my friends were attending. I was also curious about the gift of tongues and after a short amount of time at a time of prayer I asked some friends, Pam and John Luxford to pray for me to receive the gift of tongues. The curiosity had turned to fascination and a great desire to receive it.

"Hang on. Just wait on a minute!" I hear you say, "So what is this gift of tongues?" This gift is just that a beautiful gift from God. It is a gift which enables our spirit/soul to communicate with God. I personally believe that it may be a mixture of languages, for example, a mixture of Polish, Hungarian, Russian, Egyptian, etc. Many languages sound like tongues to me. I know this sounds so incredible, or even very strange, but remember the story of Pentecost:

" _When the time came for Pentecost was fulfilled, they were all in the one place together. And suddenly there came from the sky a noise like a violent wind, and it filled the entire house in which they were gathered. Then there appeared to them tongues as of fire which parted and came to rest on each of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in different tongues, as the Spirit enabled them to proclaim (Acts 2:1-4)."_

The other people, including the foreigners, who were hanging around, heard the disciples speaking in their own native language – like an American being heard speaking African or Russian when he's never ever spoken it or heard it before.

These people must have thought this was utter crazy behaviour as they said " _What does this mean? Are these guys drunk from too much wine?"_

In essence yes they were drunk, but drunk from the Holy Spirit not the other kind of spirits, lol. They were not wasted or out of their minds, but were empowered by God and filled with courage and joy.

Pam and John laid their hands on me and prayed in English as well as in tongues. Of course English was the only language I could understand! They spoke a couple of prophecies to me, including: "I have greater things for you than just tongues ... I have chosen you."

I felt my body swaying as my eyes were closed. I was surprised I was still standing as I had seen many people prayed over and seen them fall. It's OK, those praying were always ready that someone might fall. As I felt myself teetering on the edge of falling and yet still holding back from fear of letting go or not being caught I really must have looked like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. As I teetered on that supposed precipice I pictured Jesus dying on the cross for me and I felt myself falling. Thank God someone actually caught me! There were two pairs of hands waiting and faithfully catching me. I rested on the carpet surrounded by God's warmth and peace. I wasn't in a coma as I could still hear what was going around me and could move my feet.

"But why aren't I speaking in tongues?" I asked when I opened my eyes a couple of minutes or so later.

"Hang in there" they reassured me.

As they continued praying over me I was encouraged to copy their tongues. I thought: _There's no harm in trying. I can only make a fool out of myself._

"Abba, Shebba, Kenani ..." Well I said something like that over and over again. I really felt like an idiot.

"You've got it! You are speaking in tongues!" Pam squealed in delight and gave a little leap for joy, clapping her hands.

"But I'm just copying you!" I defended myself.

Pam was not discouraged even slightly at my reply. She encouraged me to go home and practice repeating the words, "Abba, Shebba, Kenani."

Even though to me these were just nonsense words I trusted and respected the Luxfords. So the following day I was on my own in my room, with the door closed of course or someone may have admitted me to a mental asylum. I sat down on my bed, closed my eyes and started to repeat the words "Abba, Shebba, Kenani." I really felt so self-conscious. _Is something really going to happen?_ But as I persevered something very peculiar began happening, my tongue started moving rapidly or clicking. I was delighted! I had found the ignition to tongues!

After finding the ignition, I applied the accelerator which was practice. I have witnessed others who have received the gift and didn't seem to need any practice as their tongues was so fluent and they possessed a whole vocab.

I now the gift of tongues does sound so alien and some people might even think I was essentially only copying these nonsense words. But since then I have prayed over many people to receive the gift. I have witnessed the gift manifesting after prayer and someone just repeating the worlds "hallelujah". Also following practice, time and prayer I have seen my gift of tongues develop. It doesn't even sound like it did when I began.

The gift of tongues is something that the user can fully control. Using the ignition they can turn it on or off when they wish to. During worship there are times when the gift of tongues flows and it's as if the gift itself becomes excited. It is also a delight to be at an occasion when people are singing in tongues, the melody is amazing, and people stop in unison as if there was a conductor co-ordinating everyone. The Holy Spirit is in fact that conductor.

I have discovered the gift of tongues to be an efficient tool to use when I don't feel like praying or don't know what to pray about. It has allowed me to bring myself into God's presence, or more aptly to make Him even more present to me thinking of his faithfulness, what He has done for me and how much He truly loves me.

But the gift of tongues didn't enable me to leap tall buildings with a single bound, to pray faster than a speeding bullet, to bend steel, or to walk on water. It has helped me in my spiritual battle and strengthened me in the fight against evil.

I believe this gift, along with other gifts of the Holy Spirit is proof of God's existence. It shows us that God wants to communicate with humanity. He loves us and offers us gifts to help us in our spiritual journey and in being His disciples.

Miracles accompany the gift of tongues. These miracles are called gifts of the Holy Spirit. They include: " _faith, the power to heal, preaching prophecy, discerning evil spirits ... It is the same and only Holy Spirit who gives us all these gifts and powers, deciding which each one of us should have (1 Cor 12:8-11)."_

This prayer group was a great support for me, especially after having been sacked, having the daunting task of finding another job while experiencing the rejection and despair from receiving more "Dear John" letters declining my job applications.

At the Prayer & Praise group I came to the point where I felt comfortable raising my hands up to God while praising Him without feeling like a total idiot! I used to raise them up to hip height, keeping them glued to my sides. Opening one eye slightly I would peek to see if anyone was looking at me. But to my relief no one was focusing on me.

My experience with Prayer & Praise was my introduction to the Charismatic Renewal within the Catholic Church. It was another means by which God helped me grow in faith. Through this God showered me with many blessings and taught me to trust Him more.

You don't have to raise your hands in the air to worship God. Some people find this a liberating way of expressing their faith and love to the Lord. They outwardly open themselves to worship God and invite Him to bless them and change them. Note that I said the Charismatic Renewal was "another means" by which God helped me grow in faith. It was not the only means and it was not perfect. There are many different spiritualities in the Catholic faith whereby we become more Christ like, e.g. Ignatian Spirituality, the Holy Rosary, Franciscan Spirituality, Adoration and the Sacraments.

God was telling me to wait and be patient on His leading me by giving me jobs which only last three months each. He taught me how to continue trusting Him more through these experiences of being sacked. I cried out to God asking Him to help me find another job. I needed those experiences so that I wouldn't take Him for granted. Even more, it would have been so much more difficult to 'throw away' a job and go to ICPE. Therefore he was preparing me.
CHAPTER 6

HARD GRAFT OF RECESSION TO EMPLOYMENT

During the same year as Confirmation I was experiencing the hardness of my own personal recession; I was unemployed again. I even travelled for interviews many times to Auckland by car which is two and a half hours from Whangarei. But these job interviews did not materialise into job offers except one. Surprisingly I even turned down that one job offer down because I became afraid; I was terrified of moving to a new place, of leaving my friends and not knowing anyone in that big city.

My break of the year finally came. I visited the NZ Employment Service, a government department in Whangarei, for the 100th or so time. But this time I discovered a very interesting position advertised on one of the notice boards. It was just up my alley. I'm sure I could achieve it:

SECRETARY/TYPIST

Duties include: Typing, Reception, computer, filing, setting up new systems in a new office. Sometimes sole charge. TEMPORARY FOR 2 MONTHS.

After talking to the NZ Employment Service Receptionist about the position, I discovered it was a new government Department called the Early Childhood Development Unit which was mainly for pre-school education services like kindergartens, crèches, etc. I filled out an application form and submitted it.

I was so surprised to get a call that day asking if I was available for an interview the next day. The interview seemed to go off really well, so well indeed, that I received a call that day offering me the job.

The following Monday I started my first job as a Secretary. To my astonishment I was greeted by a bare reception. When they said this was a new department they weren't kidding. It was so bare that there were no seats, telephone, or typewriter. There was only a bare counter.

Within a space of one week, I progressed from sitting on the floor to being promoted to a swing chair. I also supervised the implementation of a telephone, filing cabinet and typewriter.

With a new typewriter under my command I soon "let my fingers do the walking". I know this sounds like an advertisement for the yellow pages. My fingers began flying over the keys, at the rate of about 40-50 words per minute.

I enjoyed smiling, greeting the public and escorting them to my boss' office. I was really thrilled with the challenges placed before me. But there were times that my boss had to be away, sometimes longer than a day, and I would finish my work and have nothing to do but read a novel.

The reason this job was only temporary was that I was replacing a woman who was having an extended holiday. My boss wanted to keep me on, but her hands were tied as she had to give the job to the lady who was on leave.

When I left my boss wrote in my reference:

"Brendan was recommended by the Unit by the NZ Employment Service and stood out from five other applicants by his willingness to move into an area that was quite unknown and was looking very challenging. Brendan has played an important role in setting up our office system, initiating methods and ideas that met needs, and in making decisions where no guidelines existed. He also responds well to direction and is prompt and thorough with work allocated to him... I have been impressed with Brendan's impeccable manner with the public, his helpfulness and sense of humour and patience in some trying situations. I am sorry to lose him..."

Again I was faced with another recession as there weren't many appropriate jobs advertised in our city newspaper at this time leading up to Christmas. Tackling the daunting task of looking for work, I hit the streets, but I didn't find any job offers. Crying out to God I pleaded for His help and guidance.

He answered my cry, when I discovered and was accepted for another computer course called "Foundation Certificate in Computing" at the Northland Polytechnic, a training institute in our city.
CHAPTER 7

PREPARING FOR THE JOURNEY OF MY LIFE

As another new year drew closer, God was preparing me to accept his call on my life through different experiences and circumstances.

One of these was being accepted as one of the youth leaders in our parish. God taught me a lot while co-leading up to twenty rowdy teenagers. It was also during this time that our Youth Co-ordinator asked me to be the editor of our youth magazine. This baptism by fire gave me a taste of love for writing.

Another such experience was the Foundation Certificate in Computing course. Not only did I have the opportunity to gain great results, but I was also able to learn some new software packages and areas of computing such as Desktop Publishing and Computer Accounting.

The course lasted for ten months and finished in November of 1990. The added benefit was that the certificate would be widely recognised throughout New Zealand. When I started the course I wasn't thinking about ICPE as I had put it on the back burner, to maybe do at a future date.

I really enjoyed the course. My grades for the computer topics were excellent, A's. In comparison my grades for Audio Typing, Reception, Personnel Practice and People at Work were B's. I was also very proud of my achievement in passing my Pitman's Intermediate Word Processing exam as I had to get 98% to pass.

The next time I really thought about ICPE was when one of the ICPE staff, Charles Hannaford, came up to stay with the Luxfords. As I was going to the Luxfords for morning prayer at 6:30am each day I got to see him a lot. The more I saw him the more I liked him. I was fascinated that he came from Malta, a country that I never knew existed and which was mentioned in the bible. He was a lot of fun, very friendly and accepting of me. His presence and association with ICPE made me start to think about it again. I didn't really think of applying until Pam encouraged me to think about doing so. Then from that moment the vision grew and grew.

This idea of a prayer meeting so early in the morning was the spin off from the previous Advent (four weeks leading up to Christmas) where as gift to Jesus some of us from our Prayer & Praise group wanted to meet at 5am each day. Yes, that is five in the morning! Can you imagine getting up that early five days in a row? I did more than imagine it, I actually did it. Although at first it was really hard getting up so early, before I knew it I was used to it, and looking forward to it. While it was wonderful having a great breakfast afterwards this wasn't why I joined them each day. The main motivation was the acceptance and love I felt from my friends. I came to know God's love more and more through them.

A lady in our parish was dying from cancer. We prayed so hard for a miraculous healing for her, but God chose to do something else. It was so incredible to see her transform over a period of months. She changed from when we first saw her with a look about her of despair to one where he face was glowing. Those closest to her testified to being astounded to the obvious peace she had before she died. I don't know why God let her die, but I thank Him for the incredible strength and peace He gave her in her suffering.

From Whangarei I sped to Auckland in my trust Ford Laser. I cruised down the Highway, with my window down, contemplating what lay ahead of me during the coming week. I was on an adventure, an adventure which was of self-discovery. I was in Auckland to join a one week school of evangelisation run by ICPE. As I wanted to discover whether ICPE was for me this was the perfect opportunity. Should I really go there, or would it be boring and a waste of money?

The venue was an old convent which was being used by the Auckland Catholic Youth Ministry Team. I was greeted by Charles with a big hug. He is the sort of person who loves you and accepts you for who you are while being encouraging and supportive. He is also a very inspirational person as he has a big desire to share the Good News of Jesus Christ

The others on the ICPE outreach team were Linley, Kathryn and Brother Arthur who were from New Zealand and Gerald from Austria. They all had an incredible desire to serve God and to share His love with whomever they met.

Mass was celebrated downstairs in the chapel at 7:00am. I was delighted to be invited to join everyone even though the school of evangelisation hadn't started. I entered the room bleary eyed and my hair as if I had walked through a wind tunnel. There were big cushions on the floor arranged in a semicircle facing a small altar and on some of the cushions sat the Youth Ministers and the ICPE team.

Father David Tonks celebrated the Mass. During the gospel we all invited to share what the readings meant to us and then Fr Tonks finished with how it related to him. It was amazing because each morning the readings, especially the gospel really spoke to me. They would hit me right between the eyes. The first one to strike me was the Gospel of Matthew. This is about a rich young man who asked Jesus, " _Good master, what must I do to have eternal life (Matthew 19:16-22)?_ " __ This is a question that many of us think about or ask during some time in our life as we focus on the meaning of life.

Jesus replied, " _Don't kill, don't commit adultery, don't steal, don't lie, honour your father and mother, and love your neighbour as yourself."_ I thought that I'm not supposed to love myself – like, that's being vain! You know, like falling in love with the mirror! So I had a wrong view of self-acceptance.

_"I have always obeyed every one of them"_ the youth replied. So have I to a certain degree. Like the time (OK, many times) my bedroom was in a complete shambles. It looked like a bomb had hit it with paper, books and junk everywhere. You could virtually swim in the mess.

"Brendan, it's time to get up!" Dad said then looked into my room for any sign of life, "AHHHHHH! Clean up that mess today! It's a pig sty!" Thus he would be showing much more sign of life than me. He sure was big motivating factor persuading me to tidy up my room.

Jesus told the young man, " _If you want to be perfect, go and sell everything and give the money to the poor, and you will have a treasure in heaven; and come; follow me."_ The young man thought he was told to do the impossible and went away sad.

It's definitely not easy to give up EVERYTHING! What a thing to be asked, to leave everything that one knows and loves behind. I believe that God wasn't saying to me, "Sell everything and give the money to the poor" but was calling me to sell my car and to follow and trust Him.

The next gospel passage that struck the core of my heart was when Jesus explains what the kingdom of heaven is like. There is the land owner who at the crack of dawn went out and hired some people to work in his vineyard. They agreed to the usual daily wage and started to work. Then at 9am, 12pm, 3pm and 5pm he hired more people to work in his vineyard. When the day ended, with the stars sparkling in the sky the workers were content in the work each of them had done. Those who had started first had much more aching muscles and aching backs. They looked forward to receiving their pay and putting their feet up. Then the foreman summoned the workers to pay them. But when the workers who had been hired first received their pay and learnt that they didn't get more money than those who had been hired last they became outraged. They felt there had been a great injustice done against them. The vineyard owner replied to their appointed spokesman. " _My friend, I am not cheating you. Did you not agree with me for the usual daily wage? Take what is yours and go. What if I wish to give this last worker the same as you – one denarius? Am I not free to do as I wish with my own money? Are you envious because I am generous? Thus, the last will be first, and the first will be last."_

This gospel from Matthew 20:1-16 struck me because one denarius is very very little. Compared to our currency it is only a few cents. I realised that I don't need wealth. If I looked to the Lord and worked for Him He would provide for me.

Each day we were given teachings. These consisted of, for example, teachings on who God is – including wrong pictures or wrong understandings that we could have of God and the Church. These will be discussed in later chapters.

This course is certainly for me! I need to know more about God and ICPE looks like the best way. I know that this four month ICPE course is perfect for me.

"Hey God, I'll go if you want me to" I said to God. I wanted to know if it was God's will for me to go. Hey come now, He knows best – He's God! I knew He had the best will for me and this _best_ would be far better than I could even imagine.

On the last day of the school of evangelisation we were due to go out and evangelise on the street, but it was raining profusely. Part of me was relieved as I could avoid what could have been a most embarrassing experience – being totally rejected or have people laugh at me. Another part of me was disappointed that we couldn't have the experience of proclaiming the gospel and seeing how people responded.

After the school of evangelisation finished I travelled with the ICPE team to some outreaches in Auckland where they performed pantomimes, sang songs, preached and shared how they had changed as a result of discovering God's love. The pantomimes were so funny and thought provoking as we the audience dwelt on how it related to us.

"Mooooooo!" Charles bellowed crawling on his hands and knees.

"Why are you acting like that?" Gary asked him.

"Because I'm a cow" Charles replied.

"Broom, broom, broooommmmm!" Charles exclaimed.

"Why are you acting like that?" Linley asked.

"Because I'm a car" Charles replied.

Then Charles dropped to his knees, with his hand on his chin and a look of boredom sweeping across his face.

"What are you now?" Kathryn asked?

"I'm a Christian!" Charles snarled at her. He was angry and surprised that she couldn't guess from his action.

"That's not a Christian!" Kathryn challenged him, "A Christian is someone who knows God's love and shares that love with others. They have a personal relationship with Jesus."

Being with this ICPE team was really inspirational. They were committed to God and sharing His love wherever they went. They were very approachable, friendly and so funny!

While in Auckland, I visited a Youth Mass at St Patrick's Cathedral. A priest from Mexico, Father Rick Thomas was the guest celebrant. During the homily he shared how he was involved with the feeding of the very poor in El Paso. These poor people lived in a rubbish dump. He witnessed a really big miracle, one which was of biblical proportions. On one Christmas day when Father Rick and his prayer group wanted to reach out to the poor they went to the local garbage dump where the people living there didn't even know it was Christmas. They miracle was even though they had only prepared food for 350 mouths, and there was clearly many more people than that, the food did not run out. Just like in the gospels, with the multiplication of the fish and loaves, there was food left over. This remaining food they gave away to several orphanages. There would be no wastage.

Because the children at the dump had never eaten enough protein they couldn't even be taught the vowels – "a", "e", "i", "o", and "u". A teacher tried to do so; she went every day but gave up in frustration after six to eight weeks. If a child doesn't get enough protein in their early years then they will become mentally retarded.

About two weeks later Father Rick and his friends were having their daily Bible Study and they were studying about how God heals. "Well, if God heals, he can heal minds. So we'll go and pray for the children" they decided. They visited the abandoned school, laid their hands on the children, prayed for them, and then forgot all about it.

A month or two later the teacher returned to the dump to visit her friends. She drove through the very dusty road and soot and looked forward to seeing these friends she hadn't seen for so long. When she arrived the children ran up to the car and to her astonishment she witnessed a miracle; the children began to trace their fingers over the car. Tears welled up in the teachers eyes as she looked at the calligraphy on her car. The children had written not just vowels but entirely complete words!

"So God had not only healed their brains but God had taught the children how to read and write!" Father Rick explained to us.

Just think about it. If God created the universe, including this planet we are living on, then could He heal someone's mind? Of course He can; He's God.

God can heal physically as well as spiritually. We can ask God for physical healing and sometimes persistence will lead to one. But He doesn't always grant this. His ways are above our ways. God knows us through and through. If we turn to Him, then He will give us strength in our suffering or trials. We can also gain strength through the sacraments. Jesus' power, love and grace flow through these sacraments. It's amazing, but not impossible for God to teach someone to read and write. God also taught St Catherine of Sienna to do so.

Father Rick gave a really inspirational sermon at this Youth Mass. One thing that he said that relates to the above is, "Obey God and He will perform the miracles!" Another statement he gave which really struck me was, "Young people, ask God what He wants you to do in life, go for it, and don't turn back!"
CHAPTER 8

AN AGONISING DECISION

After experiencing such an exciting time with the ICPE team and feeling a strong call to attend a longer ICPE school of evangelisation I was on an emotional high and fired up to convert the world to Christ. Even though I felt the call, I was like the rich young man who doubted his call to follow Christ. For me the course was going extremely well and I doubted that this was the year that I should go. I could delay it for another year.

Faced with the biggest and hardest decision of my life, whether to sell my car and fly to Germany for the next ICPE School of Evangelisation, I contemplated paying $6000 NZ or $3000 US. This added to my dilemma and my doubting increased. I could remain where I was, get a job, earn more money and gain more work experience resulting in job security, or on the other hand I could delay the job because I was only going to be away for the duration of the school of evangelisation, four months.

My parent's perception of my dilemma did not help me in the slightest. They increased my anxiety as they didn't agree that I should go at this stage of my life; they wanted me to settle down and stick with a job. They didn't want me to "gallivanting around the world". I understand that they wanted the best for me, humanly speaking, wanting me to have secure future. But on the other hand, I believed that God knew better and that God could provide a future that I couldn't even imagine.

I approached Dad and asked him, "Dad, if I go, will I go with your blessing?"

"What do you want me to say?" he asked, "I'm not going to stop you."

Dad isn't really mean. Although he wanted the best for me, of course I didn't see it that way. What's more, added to my problems and confusion I had a painful 'squeeze' on my heart. Was it angina? No, I had a check-up by the doctor and was told that I was as fit as a fiddle.

"Help me God. I need direction in my life. I'm so confused!" I cried out, "It's so hard to decide whether to go. Show me what your will is. Guide me!"

During this big time of indecisiveness and confusion some peculiar things started happening at the 6:30am prayer meeting at the Luxfords.

"How are you?" Pam asked.

"I'm really confused!" I confessed to Pam, "I don't know if this is the right time for me to go to ICPE."

"The Lord woke me up with a scripture on my mind this morning. He hasn't done that for a while now. Let's look it up, Brendan. It is Luke 16."

"We looked through that chapter and out of it this is what struck me:

" _No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money."_

I knew that this scripture was meant from God just for me at this time, to help me in my time of confusion. But I still had the mysterious 'squeeze' on my heart.

"OK, God I will go" I prayed. I checked to see if the pain on my heart was still there. _Darn it! It still is! That must mean that God wants me to wait and do what my parents want._

Not entirely convinced, I said to God, "OK, God I'm not going now." But once again the pain remained. My confusion was stifling.

"God I'm so confused!"

Remember my prayer when I asked God that I would waver and not fall when He tested me to show I'm not perfect? Well, at this point I was clearly wavering all over the place like a blade of grass in the wind or a ship in a storm.

Although my confusion was very strong the Luxfords were unaware. Again Pam was woken with a scripture, Luke 12, which we looked up and this is what hit me:

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God . Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows... do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?... But seek first his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well... For where your treasure is, there your heart must be also (Luke 12:6)."

I believe God was saying, "Trust me, I love you! I'll provide and take care of you!"

Was I still afraid? Yes, I sure was as I feared it could be the biggest mistake of my life. I was also afraid of my parents' reaction and what lay beyond, the unknown future.

There was still one large obstacle facing me; I had to sell my car and then raise another $2600 NZ or $1500 US so I could pay for both the remainder of my fees and also my plane ticket. With such a huge shortfall facing me it added to my confusion. This obstacle looked like a huge mountain which seemingly was impossible for me to overcome.

I wrote in my prayer journal: "Dear Lord, I believe you are calling to me ICPE this year. Please open all the doors that need to be opened for me. Guide me ... If I don't sell my car by Wednesday 19th September I will write to Malta declining ICPE this year, but I will consider it next year."

There was still another problem. Even if I sold my car I would be down $2600 NZ. This was the amount of money I owed Dad to pay off the car which I borrowed from him to buy the car in the first place. Racking this problem over and over again in my brain, I couldn't find a solution. Then about a day or so later I had the thought: _Ask Dad if you can pay the money back when you return._

So I approached Dad, having no idea what he would say. I was astonished and delighted when he agreed to the idea.

The self-imposed deadline passed, but I still hadn't sold my car. Some friends of mine advised me not to restrict the Lord this way. So I let Him off. I had made my decision; I would not be going to ICPE that year and leave it until I was more financially secure. I even wrote a letter to ICPE stating this. I gave the letter to Teresa Luxford who was going to Malta to join the ICPE school of evangelisation there, a month prior to the ICPE School in Germany commencing. But while everyone was praying for me at the early prayer meeting at the Luxfords something very bizarre happened; Mr Luxford was given a vision by the Lord of me surfing on a big wave and confidently cruising. But I thought: _that's so stupid because I'm not even going anymore. Not to mention that I can't even surf!_

I had written to Charles telling him how agonising it was to decide whether to go or stay. I also told him how I'd been constantly changing my mind. Then I received a reply letter whereby Charles wrote: "Keep listening to the boss [God]. He will speak, and learn to tune in better and silence your brain. Find a quiet and different place. Savour silence, then silence yourself and ask him to speak to you clearly. Then write down what he says, in faith discern and decide and STOP SWAYING!"

I was so inspired that I grabbed my bible and threw on my shoes to set off for a quiet place in the wilderness. Finding our nearby park I continued my journey up a stone track winding up a hill like the scales of a lizard. I continued on, anticipating with excitement my meeting with Jesus. Then about twenty minutes I arrived at my quiet place.

I stilled my thoughts, focusing on sounds of nature and my Lord. I believed God was with me as I focused on God. At times it is hard to relax the mind and focus on God but the reward is communion with God and true peace.

After only fifteen minutes I thought I'd remind God about one of His promises. Actually it is a very big promise and like a telephone number, it is a promise we can access any time of the day and it is toll-free. It is the only toll free number that you can access anywhere in the world, "333". It is the Lord's telephone number: "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and wonderful things I have in store for you (Jeremiah 33:3)."

I was in for a remarkable surprise. As I opened my bible and searched for Jeremiah 33:3 something else caught my eye first and seized my heart: "You are swaying about this city." The blood rushed to my head and my heart started thumping, beating faster and faster. A humungous smile lit up my face. The joy was so tangible! _God IS answering me!_

I looked down at the scripture once again and was stunned. This time the blood seemed to run from my face and then flush it. I also felt a bit stupid. I read: "You are _saying_ about this city." Huh! That's not what I read only a minute ago. I continued reading: "I will surely gather them from all the lands where I banish them... I will bring the back to this place and let them live in safety. They will be my people, and I will be their God. I will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me for their own good... I will never stop doing good to them and I will inspire them to fear me, so that they will never turn away from me. I will rejoice in doing them good and will assuredly plant them in this land with all my heart and soul (Jeremiah 32:37-41)."

I felt so ecstatic. God was so faithful to hear and answer my prayer in such a powerful way. That scripture certainly came true in my life even up to now.

"OK, God I _will_ go!" I told God in a final decision. Following that decision I actually managed to sell my car. With those proceeds and emptying my savings I was able to pay for the course fees and the return airfare.

Then while I was preparing to leave for Germany another scripture struck me during my daily personal bible study:

"... But they will not believe in Him unless they have heard of him, and they will not hear of him unless they get a preacher and they will never a preacher unless one is sent (Romans 10:14).

Just weeks before I was due to fly to a distant land, two of my friends were also accepted for ICPE. Both were part of the 6:30am prayer meeting: Rachel Luxford (Pam's daughter) and Jim Nash. Knowing that these friends were also going to join ICPE, one in Malta and the other with me in Germany, made me more secure in the decision I had made.

I convinced myself and my parents that I would only be going for four months as I felt sure I would be returning after the school of evangelisation. While I emphasised this to my parents and friends I also told them there was a slight possibility I might stay longer than the four months.

My parents were actually amazing in their support in helping me to prepare to go to another country for the first time in my life, even though they did not understand my decision. They were a real blessing to make sure I packed the right things for my journey to a country which would soon be entering winter while New Zealand entered summer.
CHAPTER 9

FAREWELL NEW ZEALAND

Although I made my major decision to leave New Zealand for the first time, there was still fear gripping my heart. If I could have cashed my plane ticket in I would have. I was like Thomas of little faith. What kept me on track was the "no refund" stamped clearly on my ticket. There was no turning back now.

The time of fare welling my class and students of the Foundation in Certificate in Computing course was exciting. It was my joy to share that I was going on the adventure of my lifetime and serving God too. I was actually leaving the day before everyone else would be graduating. On that day God rained his blessings down on me; I rode my bike into the course and got caught in the rain and got totally drenched.

My fellow friends from our youth group threw a farewell party for Rachel, Jim and myself. My heart was filled with joy and yet ached that I would be leaving some close friends.

I lay down on my bed intending to sleep after successfully cramming all that I thought I would need into an old hard suitcase (without any wheels) and one carry-on bag. Mum was so helpful in advising what I would most probably need and what I should leave behind. I lay on bed but sleep did not arrive. It was just too difficult as the adrenalin was still pumping through my blood; the excitement and apprehension were mixed into a cocktail that meant sleep would elude me while I spent my last night in New Zealand.

Then the next day was D-Day for me. I only got patchy sleep but I was so excited that I was going on this trip of a life-time. As we stepped outside our house Dad handed me some American and German money. How thoughtful of Him to bless me this way. Then I looked down at the US notes and saw, "In God we Trust". _What an incredible thing to put on a bank note!_

As my parents drove down to Auckland I sat in the back seat with the warm sun massaging warmth into my face. It was so soothing. Then we came to a crest of a hill and as I gazed out the window I saw the beauty of the ocean waves stretching for miles and miles. _This is the first time I have ever left New Zealand._ I felt so excited but also apprehensive of the unknown that lay ahead of me.

When we arrived at the airport Dad parked the car and I checked my baggage in. Then it was time to say goodbye to my parents. "Have a good time" Dad said to me. He knew what it was like to travel around the world as he had been on sailing trips to many different countries.

"Pray for me." spontaneously I said to Mum, hoping she would think of praying and turning to God as I knew she wouldn't do so normally.

"Yes, I'll be thinking of you" she replied. I knew that was a major understatement as Mum can worry so much.

Looking back for one last look at my parents I waved good-bye. Oh what pain must be raking their hearts. I continued walking away and disappeared from their view. My own feelings were mixed. There was a sense of freedom for not having any parents telling me what to do for the next four months and also the feeling that I would really miss them as I would be in thousands of miles away from them.

I walked up the ramp to the waiting American Airlines DC-10. A model-like air hostess greeted me with a big welcoming smile. I walked down the aisle, looking at the seat numbers, before I knew it I found my seat number. I put my carryon luggage in the overhead compartment. _What a pity I'm not by the window._

I checked out my new environment where I would be for 22 hours. I tried out my fold-down tray and then saw a sign indicating that my life vest was under my seat. Then I discovered from another sign that my oxygen mask was on the adjacent seatback beside me. _Great! Now I'm prepared and know where to get the stuff if we are in an emergency!_

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry but we will be delayed from taking off. We have mechanical problems with the cargo doors."

_Uh oh!_ There had already been a plane accident earlier in the year which hit the news. What was great concern was that the cause of that accident was faulty cargo doors.

Only thirteen minutes later there was another announcement which brought us much relief:

"Ladies and gentlemen the cargo doors have now been repaired and are now closed."

The time is 1.25pm in Auckland and we are on our way Dallas, Texas, U.S.A. There is definitely no turning back now. The engines come to life and we start reversing. The excitement increases for the first time flyer.

Huh! We've stopped. The pilot must be in contact with the control tower and preparing for takeoff.

1.28pm. The propellers begin to spin faster and faster. Once again we begin moving along the runway propelling faster and faster. Then the plane begins to turn and slows down, coming to halt.

1.31pm. The propellers increase their speed and the plane starts moving again. Looking across my neighbour and out the window I saw us pass the Anset New Zealand and Air New Zealand hangars. _There goes the Fire Rescue Service building. Hopefully we won't need their help._

"Flight attendants prepare for takeoff." _Alright!_ My adrenalin rapidly increases and heart thumps almost through my chest.

1.36pm. Disappointment assaults me when the plane slows to a crawl once again, and then comes to a complete standstill.

1.37pm. The propellers accelerate again. _This more like it! We're going faster and faster! We ... huh! Oh no, we're slowing down. We're turning. The propellers roar and we are hurtling down the runway. Awesome! This is the fastest we have ever gone! This is it! We are going to take off!_

With my back pressed up against the seat, the G forces are taking control. The anticipation and excitement is overwhelming. _Up, up and a...wayyy!_ _Yeah! We have lift off!_

Treasuring this moment with permission I lean across my fellow passenger and capture the moment with my trusty 35mm Kodak Camera. Those were the days before digital cameras. Click. Click.

Wow! We are going so high!

Click. _This is so amazing. I'm actually watching New Zealand falling rapidly away. The Auckland Harbour Bridge sure looks so small from this height._

The plane is at a 45o angle as we continue climbing. It's an amazing experience. One minute I'm looking down at New Zealand and the next clouds sweep across blocking my view. A minute or so later a break in the clouds let me see for miles and miles.

_That's so strange. I seem to be the only one getting such a big kick out of this._ The other passengers act as if nothing unusual at all has just happened and is happening. _We have just taken off in a DC-10 and we are going to another part of the world. I'm so excited! But no one else is batting an eyelid._

1.53. We climb to an altitude of 35,000 feet above sea level. Then I see big puffs of cloud out the window. They look like cotton wool or shaving cream. The sky is such so blue and it really is picturesque with shades of blue, from cyan to dark blue.

The airhostess struggles to push the refreshments trolley up the aisle. The plane levels out. _That will definitely help her._

Ding. The seat belt alarm sounds and the fasten seatbelt sign goes off. _Great we don't have to wear our seat belts._

2.56pm. I'm reading a very interesting story in the Dallas Morning Newspaper. There was a girl who was having a certain type of transplant but she died in the process. Her teacher testified to this inspirational girl: "Stormie Jones taught all of us about the life she loved so much, and how to appreciate what we have!" A week before Stormie's death, she gave her best friend a poster with the caption, "Friends are friends forever." Stormie told her, "Don't ever forget me!" The report concluded with the testament, "God's walking angel needn't have worried!"

3.01pm. I've just chosen some grilled chicken with spinach fettuccine complimented by tomato basil sauce. _Mmmmmmmm! How succulent! It is so tender and juicy!_

_How hilarious! The guy in a seat ahead of me is reading a book called, "Final Flight"._

4.30pm. We have just crossed the International Date Line. So now we are going back in time, a whole day. _How weird! Hey! Who's shaking the plane so violently? Ohhh, this must be turbulence._

6.30pm. How spectacular! The sight to greet me when I looked outside the plane was absolutely spectacular. Once again the colours ranged from a light cyan to a dark blue, but this time the intermingled in these colours were vibrant bands flowing across the sky of orange to red pleasantly assaulting my eyes. The merging of the colours was so awesome, that it took my breath away. _I have to capture this awesome moment with my camera. I hope it comes out through this plane window._ Click.

8.40pm. This is so unusual. I'm watching a program called "Mind Your Business." What's astonishing is that one hotel made its managers work alongside their employees i.e. chefs, waiters, doormen etc so that they could experience talking to general customers and staff.

9.22pm. "Fasten your seatbelts. Flight attendants prepare for landing." We are descending to the island, Honolulu for refuelling.

The process of landing is very exciting. We are descending at a 45o degree angle while adrenaline is pumping furiously to my head. In anticipation I wait for the aircraft to touch the tarmac of the airfield. Then with a bump and another bump we hit the runway, and after what seemed an eternity we slowed down and came to a halt. _Those landing lights were so beautiful shining through the darkness._

The security in Honolulu was the opposite of what we have in New Zealand. The guards were actually armed with sub-machine guns. I had never seen anything like this before in an airport or any public place. It was exciting and scary at the same time.

11.40pm. We take off successfully from Honolulu. _Goodbye Honolulu, Dallas here we come!_ The excitement of being in the air and again on my journey towards my destination is stunning!

10:41pm (NZ) = 5:41am (Dallas Time). Feeling quite drowsy I decide it is wise to get some sleep.

9.50am (Dallas). I awake just in time for a mouth watering breakfast of French Toast and cooked ham.

10.06am. "Flight attendants prepare for landing please." Landing in daylight is so enthralling. I gaze out the window, watching the land and buildings approaching. Then again I anticipate the bump as the plane lands successfully.

"Wow! Those houses are really close together. It's like the English T.V program, _Coronation Street_.

"We call them 'Cooky Cutters'" my new American friend explained.

2.27pm. I've had an experience of evangelisation already, but I was the one being evangelised. A man came up to me who had an Indian looking sari on and head shaved shorter than a soldier's. He was a Hari Krishna devotee. His main objective seemed to be to sell a book to me. Even though I pleaded financial inadequacy he didn't lower the price. I was disappointed that this Hari Krishna guy was the one to meet me because J.R from the T.V show Dallas failed to show up! Lol

Crack! My camera slipped out of my hand and smashed onto the ground. My batteries exploded out of the camera and I ended up chasing them as they rolled across the airport floor. What a spectacle that was!

3.14pm. Awesome! Up, up and a-wayy! Frankfurt here we come!

8.30pm. It's time to get some more sleep. It's really hard to sleep as my pumping adrenalin is in full control.

10.15pm. _This is absolutely weird!_ I turn to the German Frau (woman) beside me and ask, 'Why are we having breakfast at 10.15pm at night?"

"Because Germany is eight hours ahead of Dallas" she explained.

"That means it's actually 6.15am and so we are going to arrive in Germany quite soon!"

6.18am (German time). Awesome! We have just been notified that we are beginning our descent to land at Frankfurt airport!

6.34am. _We're breaking up. We're breaking up!_ The plane shudders dramatically as we descend. _I guess this is normal for landing._

Gazing out the window I see hundreds of lights below us. I can make out street lights and also lots of lights pouring out from the houses. There are also lights coming from the headlights of the cars as they head in one direction. _Wow what a lot of cars at 6:00am._

This is an incredible experience. The lower we descend then the more detail I can see. It's like looking at something for the first time, but clouds or mist obscure your ultimate view.

6.44am. I can see the landing lights.

6.45am. We're landing. _Brace yourself! Wait for it......T o u c h – d o w w n n !_
CHAPTER 10

GUTEN TAG GERMANY

Expecting the whole airport grounds to be completely covered in snow as it was winter, I was surprised and very disappointed that the sight to greet was one which didn't include even one tiny snowflake.

When I entered customs I pulled out my passport with a tight chest and a knot in my throat as I apprehensively approached the counter dreading that something would be askew with my visa. The Customs Officer took my passport, opened it and studied it very closely. _Oh no my photo is a bit old, with a different hair style – a flat head or spike hairdo. He's going to think I'm an imposter._ He was studying my photo closely and then suddenly looked up and eye-balled me. Then he extended out his hand to me with the passport and smiled. I was so relived. _I'm through!_

Following the signs I discovered a revolving tractor-like platform which was the baggage claim. Everyone's luggage came sliding down a chute onto this platform. After only a short wait, to my relief I was reunited with my suitcase.

Entering the main foyer, I searched the sea of faces for a friendly smile with someone holding a sign, "International Catholic Programme of Evangelization" or "ICPE". But to my dismay there was not any such sign. So I waited and waited, but still there was no sign.

I changed my deutschmark notes into smaller coins so I could a telephone number that had been given to me before leaving New Zealand.

Approaching one of the ticket counters I enquired when a train would be heading to Achern. I was told that the train would be going via Cologne (Koln) and arrive at my destination, Achern by midday.

I rang the telephone number of ICPE. To my surprise a familiar voice answered, "Hello". It was Jim Nash.

"I'm coming via Cologne and will be there at midday!" I informed him

"Right, no problem, I will pass on the message so you can be picked up" Jim reassured me.

_Awesome! I'll be there at midday and someone will meet me. I'm so exhausted!_

I bought my ticket and waited for the train. Realising that I needed to make my way to another platform ahead of me, I looked to see what my options were. I couldn't see any other way of getting to other platform on the other side besides crossing the railway tracks ahead of me. Grabbing my suitcase I jumped a few feet onto the side of the railroad track.

_What's that commotion?_ I looked up at a German railroad official yelling at me in German and frantically waving his arms at me. _Oh no! I guess that isn't the way after all!_

It was such a mission to get back up the platform. I had to haul my suitcase up like a weight lifter. _The German's must be thinking, "He's out of his mind" or "he's a foreigner!"_ I soon found the right way to the other platform; I had to walk down some steps to go underneath the tracks rather than walking across them.

Boarding the train I had to walk down a long passageway to find a compartment. I looked through several compartments but to my dismay they were all bursting with people and there was no room for me. With a sharp shrill will the whistles blew and the doors slammed shut with a resounding clang. Then within seconds the train lurched and I just managed to stay on my feet. Because all the compartments were full I made my way to one of the main cabins. It was as spacious as an aeroplane. Grabbing and hauling my suitcase over my head again like a weight lifter, I stumbled past people blocking my way.

To my dilemma a porter headed towards me with a trolley full of shipments. Since there was no room I staggered into one of the cabins will clutching my suitcase to wait for him to pass by. What a spectacle!

To my relief in the main cabin there were a few spare seats. I chose one next to a nice young looking woman. Actually she looked quite pretty.

"Hi!" Do you speak English?" I asked her.

"A little bit" she replied.

"My name is Brendan" I spoke very slowly, "I come from New Zealand."

"My name is Michelle" she told me in perfect English.

After talking to Michelle for a while I pulled out my 'German For Travellers' handbook. I quickly flipped to the 'Making friends' section. Michelle took the book from me and started asking me some questions from it.

"How long have you been here?", "How did you get here?"

"I've been here for two hours, 33 minutes and five seconds and I swam here" I replied with a big cheeky grin. Michelle's response was laughing at my humour, or attempt at it, lol. Although she looked roughly my age she would not respond to any questions about this.

Consulting my map of Germany, I was very puzzled that I had to travel up to Cologne to go down to Achern. My new friend also thought this was very strange. When I tried to speak German she was laughing at my attempts.

The train began to slow down and a queue began to form at the main exit. To my surprise nobody exited when the train came to a halt. When the train began to move I was really worried.

"You have missed your stop!" Michelle laughed, teasing me. But a couple minutes later the train stopped again. This time to my relief I saw the sign 'Koln'. Exiting the train I made my way to the correct platform and this time I did not leap onto the train tracks.

I approached a young woman leaning out of a train window and asked her, "Do you speak English?"

"No" she replied with a shake of her head. I turned away from her hoping this train was the right train. Then a voice behind me asked, "Why?" _Ah so she does speak English after all._

I was actually standing in front of the wrong train and this woman directed me to the correct platform. This time it wasn't difficult to find a spare seat. To my delight and a boost for my ego you just happened to be another free seat next to another young woman.

The conversation developed along the same lines as my last encounter. After laughing at my attempts at German a asked her a couple of troubling questions. Actually the answers were very troubling as well. I asked her, "Why are we going down to Achern now?" "Why couldn't we go straight there are from Frankfurt?" But she had no straight answer for me.

Pulling out my map, I unfolded at and traced my route to my destination. I told her this was where I was going to spend the next four months, but I was in for a big surprise. "This is where I'm going" I said pointing to the map to an area in southern Germany.

"This is where we ARE going!" she stated pointing to northern part of Germany.

"Ahhhhhhhh! Noooooo! I'm going to the wrong place!" As I left the train I was extremely worried. If I chewed my fingernails from anxiety I would have none left. Actually I was so devastated. All I could think of was "Help!" So I ran to the nearest ticket office and explained to the official that I was sent to the wrong place. "I needed to go to Achern, not Aachen" I said pointing to the map.

This official was extremely friendly and after talking to a couple of men in plain clothes he returned. He wish reassured me that I could follow these men to Koln and have 50DM from my fare to Achern. This gave me so much relief!

The journey on the train was very quiet with my new companions as they didn't know any English and couldn't converse with me. It must have looked like I had to bodyguards.

Arriving in Koln, these men talked with a ticket official at one of the counters but I couldn't understand what they were saying. I was relieved as I thought things wouldn't be as bad as they seemed. Therefore financially I would be okay.

But I would be in for a terrible shock when my escorts left. I tried to explain to the ticket official that I could have 50 deutsche marks (US $30) deducted from the new fare but the ticket official would have nothing of it.

"You will need the signature of the train conductor to do that."

"But is there anything else I can do?" I desperately pleaded.

"No. You need to signature of the train conductor!"

"So I have to buy another ticket? Is that my only option?" I did not relish the thought of kissing 50 deutsche marks extra goodbye.

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

So reluctantly I pulled out 50 deutsche marks from my money belt. Now there wasn't much left. So all I wanted was to get safely to my final destination, Allerheiligen and sleep.

There was only 10 minutes left until my next train and since I looked like a tourist I thought that I should act like one. From the train window I'd seen a huge church and so I raced over to it and up the steps. It was a humongous church, the famous Koln Cathedral. I gazed at the incredible architecture, size and beauty of this church which left me standing in amazement and awe. This building towering above me captivated me.

The remaining time enabled me to only take a couple of photos and run. So running and struggling I changed hands to carry my heavy suitcase. Awkwardly I sped as fast as I could back to the train and only just made it.

This leg of the journey was very interesting. I was enthralled by the scenery until it began to darken at only four in the afternoon. We passed by more unique houses that were very footage up interesting as their design was different to New Zealand.

Back on the train I met a young woman who had six years of English education at school. She thought it was so funny that I travelled up to Aachen instead of down to Achern. It was so strange because when the Germans pronounce these two names they sound the same. As it was also a very tiring journey I got a little shuteye – zzzzzz.

"You better jump off the train because it doesn't stop at Achern!" she told me to my utmost horror. But she wasn't joking at all. _What! Not more trouble! It only stops and Offenburg, way past my stop!_

I rang Allerheiligen from the train station with one Deutschmark. I was wondering why some young but the people behind me were laughing. Maybe it was because I had put on too much money for a local call. I was told to catch another train to Achern as the distance to Offenburg was too far.

At 6:50 p.m. I finally arrived and Achern. After 5 to 10 minutes a Mercedes-Benz pulled up and a man with red curly hair jumped out, walked up to me and to my relief asked in perfect English, "are you Brendan?"

"Hello I am Rob!" He explained with a thick English accent.

"You're the one who went all the way up to Achern?" he asked me. I nodded, feeling too tired to look embarrassed.

Robert grabbed my luggage, threw it into the boot and opening the car door he stopped me saying, "I'm driving not you!" I had opened the driver's side because we drive on the right hand side in New Zealand. I was used to the passenger seat being on the left hand side.

This Mercedes-Benz was very comfortable. Sinking into the softness of the leather seats I just wanted to fall asleep. This Mercedes-Benz was 10 years old and was donated to ICPE a couple months prior. We passed through a couple of villages, but I wasn't taking much notice because it was dark and I wanted food and sleep.

The road twisted and turned in many directions and we began to climb steeply as Allerheiligen is located in the mountains. Then I was fighting to stay awake when I noticed under the beam of the headlights a sign, 'Allerheiligen'. This is it! I'm here at last!

"Those are the remains of a 700-year-old monastery on the left!" Rob explained. _Wow! Just the notion of having 700 years of history in my backyard the next four months was quite an awesome thought._ However, all I could see from the car in the dark were just to foot blocks of stone placed every 5 feet.

Walking into a huge house which was four stories high I was swamped by sympathetic strangers. One of the comments to greet me was, "oh! You must be really tired!" _That must be the understatement of the century!_

"Hi! I am Joe Sammut, from Malta. I understand what you went through because I did the same as you a couple months ago." I was too tired to be relieved that I was not the only fool!

After having something to eat I was shown to my room. To my surprise I had to claim up for flights of steps. Upon reaching my room I met one of my roommates, Klemens from East Germany. I found it so difficult to pronounce as name and found myself calling him Koblenz. I lay down on my bed and when I finally close my eyes, the lights sure went out.
CHAPTER 11

TOURING MY NEW HOME

The following day I was woken up at 1:30 p.m. by loud noises echoing throughout the fourth floor. I was so annoyed at the inconsiderate men and I couldn't return back to sleep. Fifteen hours sleep wasn't enough for me.

I went down the flights of stairs which seemed endless and I saw my other friend from home, Rachel Luxford. "You made it!" I said to her not hiding my amazement.

"You thought I wouldn't?"

"I thought that you might do the same as me and 'visit' Aachen!" I related my painful 'adventure' to Rachel and we managed to have a really good laugh over that situation. She was also sympathetic at the same time, "oh no! Ha, ha, ha!"

"Do you want to look around? I'll show you" the young Maltese woman asked Rachel and I on a guided tour. Her name was Patricia Magri. _Alright, here is a wonderful chance to explore._

Patricia won me over easily by her beautiful smile which just radiated from her. I liked her immediately, especially because she was so exuberant. She escorted us outside and to my complete surprise I realised how small Allerheiligen really was. There were two big houses, a smaller house, a hall, the ruins of a 700 year old monastery and the church. All were lent to ICPE by Caritas except for a souvenir shop and a cafe located in one of the big houses.

In the small house was the staff house where the family who were the caretakers lives. After our school started they left as their contract had been completed. Observing the scenery around us on this overcast day, we were so all structures really see where we really were; we were surrounded by thousands and thousands of beautiful pine trees all clustered together. No matter and what direction we looked it seemed like the hand of man had not touch them. However on one side next to the big house there were patches of clearings. We were in the Black Forest, otherwise known as Schwartzwald in German. It is considered to be one of the most beautiful areas of Germany.

Next Patricia led us to the ruins where I was in for another surprise. I wasn't really looking forward to seeing a few blocks on the ground. But this time I looked up and I saw a huge outline of bricks which was the frame of the ruins looming above me. This was not what I was looking at the previous night. It was humongous. I recounted to Rach and Patricia that last night I was looking at single bricks. We all had a good laugh over this.

What Patricia explained to us next was so impressive: "this monastery was built in the 1200s and was struck by lightning in the 13th century destroying it. The White Monks rebuilt the monastery and it was hit by lightning whereby the monks promptly rebuilt it. Now the ruins are reinforced so that it won't topple over." I was looking at the longest man-made history I'd ever seen in real life. How thrilling!

"Most of Allerheiligen is owned by Caritas. They used to run an orphanage, and then a camp for disadvantaged kids. Allerheiligen became too big for them and they heard about the ICPE and its vision for evangelisation. After discernment and several meetings with the directors of ICPE, they donated their Allerheiligen buildings to ICPE for 20 years.

Patricia took us up to the church which Europeans call a chapel. The way that I look at it, it is big enough to be a church as it can fit over 200 people inside. The style of the church was fascinating, especially the church art inside. Half protruding from the walls with human figures, like statues I could make out the form of John the Baptist whom had a staff and was dressed in as brown cloth, the angel St Michael who was fighting the snake, Satan. But the other figures I could not make out. Also inside this chapel was a choir loft, a bell and above the altar was an oak crucifix (across with Jesus crucified upon it).

Patricia then led us past a barbecue area, and up to the hall. Inside there were several partitions which could be moved to make the rooms larger or smaller. "It's great for parties and dances!" Patricia explained.

I became really excited and said, "Yeah! Christmas and New Year's Eve!"

We were wearing winter jackets as it was quite cold outside and we followed Patricia down a few steps from the hall. Going back to the big house we turned right and walked down a path where Patricia showed us a man-made stream that stretches for about 2 km (1.5 miles). She also led us over to some fountains which reminded me more of baths like the Romans would have used, but they weren't working as they had been shut off for the winter. We returned to the big house and I removed my jacket as I would have fried in it because it was so warm as we had central heating. We certainly weren't going to freeze to death.

After lunch we went for a walk with some other participants who had arrived for the school. Only after about 15 to 20 minutes from our home we were looking and marvelling at an amazing site overlooking a big valley. It wasn't as big as the Grand Canyon in the USA. If we looked down we could see the road and beyond that thousands and thousands of pine trees stretching out to the horizon. There were also many different sized hills interlocking with each other. The atmosphere was so peaceful and the air was so crisp. I could just smell the freshness.

After the walk we celebrated the daily mass. During the mass we learnt a really cool new song which was called "Lord, I left your name on high".

During dinner I was surprised when a woman came up to me and introduced herself, "hello, I'm Sheila!" A big smile cracked my face and I laughed saying, "that's a really easy name to remember!" It was so easy to remember because New Zealand some men used the slang word, "Sheila" to refer to a young woman. But later I was to learn that the spelling was somewhat different. Her name was spelt, "Sile". Sile was from Ireland and she was another person whom I came to like instantly because of her personality.

After dinner I met one of the staff members called Steffan Attard from Malta. He said to me, I looked in your room this morning to see if you were still alive. My feet have been sticking out the end of my bunk bed and I must have looked like a corpse.

I also met another one of my roommates, Steve Johnson it was from Ireland. He seemed like a nice guy, my age, a cool accent and very easy to talk to.

The next day I went for a walk exploring further around Allerheiligen I had heard that there was a really beautiful waterfall nearby. It was only about 15 minutes walk from home and everybody had been raving about it. The walk there was very beautiful, with a flowing river beside the walkway leading to many concrete steps. Climbing down the steps we came to the first waterfall. It wasn't as big or splendid as I was made to believe and so I was disappointed. We have a much bigger waterfall in my home town, Whangarei in New Zealand. However when we continued on our walk we came across a second waterfall; it was much the same as the first.

Returning back to the big house by another route we came upon an area in which the ground was covered in gorgeous orange and yellow coloured leaves. Looking up I saw a breathtaking sight; the sun was streaming through the trees and the light enhanced the beautiful patterns and colours of the foliage. Therefore the gorgeous orange and yellow coloured leaves came to life even more as the colours danced before my eyes.
CHAPTER 12

ICPE SCHOOL 1990 BEGINS

The opening mass was really quite a celebration as it was the first ICPE School to be held in Germany ever. So it was a historic moment to celebrate.

After the speeches from Mario and Anna Cappello, the directors of ICPE, we began our dinner. It was a delicious feast of roast potatoes, chicken, peas and carrots. As we had been warned to bring formal clothes we all dressed nicely for the occasion. Around the row of beautifully decorated tables were placed playing cards with our names inscribed upon them. It was like a game trying to find which card had our name on it and so where we were seated.

But the desert really took the cake (excuse the pun), like a cherry on the pie or kiwifruit on the Pavlova (a New Zealand meringue desert). This desert consisted mainly of a Black Forest Gateau with three layers. Between each layer was succulent thick icing and on the top was cream, chocolate shaving, cherries and nuts! Doesn't that sound mouth watering and delicious?

After dinner I joined in the last ICPE craze, table soccer. I soon develop some great skills; by spinning the handle of the game football would rocket to the other end of the table or better still end up flying in the ear towards the opponent's goal. But the hardest task was to keep the ball from going into my own goal. There was a lot of laughter surrounding that game.

The following day was our first "free day" or time off. It was time for us to unwind more and also get over our jetlag. After sleeping in I went down to a nearby village called Ottenhoffen with an English girl Helen Moloney, Tony from England, and my East German roommate Klemens. Helen had long wavy hair, the English complexion and striking blue eyes; Tony had short brown hair, a receding line up to the top of his head which parted on the left and he wore thick horn-rimmed glasses – like Clarke Kent and a smile was just like John Major, the Prime Minister of England; Clemens had thick tidy brown hair, brown eyes and glasses. Still unawares I was still calling him Koblenz.

We stopped and visited a church in Ottenhoffen. It was so huge that I dwelt on the fact that it would take ages to walk up the aisle if you are going to get married in there. There was an apparatus in this church which was quite alien to me. Clemens explained it was a baptismal font where babies were once baptised before Vatican II. On the font was an inscription which Klemens translated:

"Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, that placing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age (Matthew 28:19).

Tony was opening a bank account so he could have as many transferred to pay for is fees. Because we were made to wait so long Helen and I sat on some of the children's chairs in a corner. They with only cheers in the bank and there was some Lego on the table. Being children at heart we started a building project together using the Lego. I really enjoyed making Helen laugh being childlike together especially as her blue eyes shown beautifully with her smile.

The following day we had a time of worship singing songs to the Lord. During one of our times of worship young woman gave a prophecy that God knows us, loves us and has a plan for each one of us. This was prophetic because she felt like God was saying this for us at that time. It sent a shiver from the base of my spine to that of my hit as it touched me deeply. It was so awesome to hear God speaking so intimately to us.

During introductions we have the opportunity to introduce ourselves, explaining how we came to ICPE and sharing about something that we like. I learnt that some of us have already had a taste of community living, especially the staff here and some testified to hating playing sport.

There were a great variety of countries represented including New Zealand, Ireland, East Germany, West Germany, Mexico, Poland, England, Malaysia, Malta, Canada, Austria, Holland, America, Kenya, Scotland, Singapore, Korea and Sicily. So I discovered that we were quite a diverse and unique bunch of people.

Having written down my testimony I said to my captive audience, "I've written a sermon" and everyone roared with laughter. At one point in my testimony I asked using an American accent, "Do you want to be slain in the Holy Spirit?" I was referring to the time Father Rick Thomas replied to my request for prayer. Then I shared with everyone a joke that our ex-parish priest told us during one of his sermons:

"There were two men Joe and Michael who were painting a house. They had spent all morning and most of the afternoon working extremely hard. When they had just started on the roof thick, dark clouds began to loom menacingly overhead. "Hey Joe. I don't think we'll finish in time. Just look at those clouds!" Michael exclaimed.

"Call your jets Mike I've got it sussed!"

Within will only 10 minutes they had completely finished painting the entire roof. Then thunder clashed, and lightning flashed across the sky. Finally when the thunder had reached a climax of voice boomed from beyond the clouds, "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!" (This is a spin-off from "repent, repent and sin no more!")

I also included in my 'sermon' how hard it was for me to decide to come to ICPE, saying "Yes Lord, I'll go!", "No I won't go", "Yes I'll go Lord", "no I won't go", and then finally "Yes Lord I will go" because of the Scripture showing me the way that God wanted me to take.

But what everyone really liked was when I recounted to them my adventure of going to Aachen instead of Archern. The whole place erupted with laughter at my misfortune.

The following day we were informed what our work duties would be and who we would be with including the staff member who would be looking after us and our fellow participants. With anticipation I awaited the news of which work duty I would be in. _I'm no mechanic or handyman so I don't think I'll be put on maintenance. I only know the basics of cooking like throwing chicken or potatoes in the microwave, so I don't think beyond the cooking team. So that only leaves two duties. As I'm not very creative, actually I'm useless, so that leaves out hospitality. Oh No so that only leaves housecleaning._

Feeling like a wimp being in the housecleaning team my main consolation was that I wasn't the only man on the team (thank God!) I was also delighted that Helen and Patricia Magri were also there. Since they are both hardcase (great fun and great company) I thought we would have a great time.

Patricia and I were laughing about something and I said to her, "Gee you're such a hardcase!" A shocked expression flashed on Patricia's face.

"What do you mean?" She asked as she obviously thought I was saying she was a mental case. I soon put her out of is read by explaining the Kiwi understanding of hardcase which is being great fun and great company.

Since I was a mission from God my first mission was to attack the toilets. With the toilet brush and loo-cleaner in hand I charged at the enemy. Those ghastly germs were no match for me and were overcome. Then my next mission was the floor. So first with my trusty broom I slept the floor as quickly as I could and then wetting two floor cloths in a bucket of detergent I threw them on the floor, placing 1 foot on each cloth I decided it was time to have some fun and party! So was a cross between _blue suede shoes_ and ice-skating, I semi-gracefully glided across the floor killing two birds with one stone. So I was having a lot of fun and cleaning at the same time. Next the stairs: _Twist and shout!_

It wasn't too long before I thought up an appropriate song for my housecleaning. I started to sing this as I cleaned, "Your my brother, your my sister, let me take you by the hand, but don't you dare walk on my wet floor-rr." This was a spin-off from an old hymn.
CHAPTER 13

THERE'S NO TIME LIKE SNOW TIME

For a whole week I waited with great anticipation until it finally snowed in our new home. At first we could only see the mountains around Allerheiligen covered with snow. We still had to wait to experience it and for one of our participants it would be for the first time. It's like knowing about God and actually experiencing God and His tremendous love.

This wouldn't be my first experience of snow as I had seen it previously in New Zealand. However what added to our delight was it was the first time as participants we had experienced snow together. The beauty was awesome and reminded one of a very picturesque Christmas card. The snow clad trees were so unique and so startlingly beautiful. I was left gazing in awe. There was a stark contrast between the trees covered in snow and those without. We still longingly awaited the snow to fall on our doorstep. The snow had not converged with the trees immediately surrounding our home.

The following morning when I woke up I saw my two roommates fixated on a site out the window. "Brendan, it's actually snowing!"

"Wow! Praise God, He actually heard me!" I replied.

I bounded down the steps with my jacket and mittens clutched under my arm before anyone could even say, "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" lol. I even didn't want to look at the snow until I stepped outside so I could rejoice, jump in it, throw it at others, and experience it. I opened the door, walked a few steps, crunching on the snow and lifted my head to such an awesome and splendid site. There was a canopy of snow covering the ground.

"Praise the Lord! Hal-le-lujahhhhh!" I screamed with delight, wanting everyone to hear me, look out the windows and know it was snowing. This was both delighting in the moment and showing off.

I rejoiced with the invigoration as I stood in the fresh snow that had never been disturbed by human footprints. I marvelled at God's awesome creation in the shining beauty of the glossy white snow. I was so excited that I held my arms out with palms facing upwards, feeling the snowflakes tickle my skin as the snow descended to the ground. My posture changed from outstretched arms to dancing with a gigantic smile and screaming with mirth.

But the fun they had only just begun. With so much snow lying around I decided that I had to help clean. I skipped up a snowball with my mittens and held it through the – SPLAT! Bull's-eye commotion mark snowball exploded on the top of my target's head. I relish the brief moment with joy and pride. I gloated until SPLAT, I too was wiping snow from my face.

"Aaaahhhh! It's so cold!" I screamed. But I retaliated by quickly scraping together some more snow and tossing it at Jeremy who was a newly married man from England. He screamed in pain and hopped on one thought it's a snowball had as he had and some went inside his ear. His antics made me laugh even more.

Don't worry, because after a minute or so he was back to his precise snowball throwing. He was in fact the best marksman. So I was quite proud of myself in obtaining such an excellent shot, his ear.

Someone pulled out a camera to capture the moment. Remember, this is the time before digital cameras even existed. The snowball cease their flights while we all gathered together to pose.

"Yucccckkk! Gisele from Cicely screamed as I poured snow over her head. CLICK. _That will make a great photo._

THUMP. I had Jim with a great shot that exploded honours shoulder. But then three snowballs came flying at me from all directions and at the same time. The hunter became the hunted. But I only had enough time to dark one until the other two snowballs exploded into a shower of snow all over me. _Two for me and five for you and you._ Snow fights sure were fun. A truce was declared so that we could have time to eat breakfast. "The snow won't be going anywhere in a hurry!" Jim informed me. After breakfast we started morning sports which was a great physical workout. The second of finished I ran to my shoes through them in my jacket on and made my way to a suitable hiding place outside. Safely concealed behind the far wall of the hall, I waited an ambush for my first unsuspecting prey to wander by. There were a few surprised and with people as a result. But some of them retaliated and so my main adversaries were Marlo from Canada, to Ciaran from Ireland, Jim the fellow Kiwi and Tina a large framed red head woman from Germany.

One morning while walking down the corridor of the Big House I was having a conversation with Patricia and Annette as we were going up to morning sports. Remember, Patricia is from Malta and an end was born in America and moved to Holland when she was young.

"It would be really funny and we went outside with the snow up to our knees!" I told them. Sure enough upon opening the door we were met with what I had predicted. We had to either weighed or leap through it which left us cracking up at the site of each other's struggles and antics.

Later on to me and I were on the edge of a steep hill covered with snow. He was standing further away from me and on the crest of the hill. Therefore the temptation overwhelmed me; before he knew what was happening fully could see was this crazy guy leaping at him. With a tackle that would have made the All Blacks (NZ Rugby team) or San Francisco 49ers (American Football team) proud he crumpled under both my weight and momentum. But he quickly recovered his composure, hurled himself at me and we tumbled down the snowy slope, wrestling to gain the advantage like two sumo wrestlers trying to grab onto each other.

"Aaaaahhhhh!" Jeremy screamed, releasing me and leaping to his feet like a frightened raccoon. It was so funny to see him dancing and hopping around 1 foot as he tried to free the snow that had gone down his back. I couldn't control myself and found myself in fits of laughter. I must have lost 10 pounds just buy that laughter, lol.

As a school we hiked to the top of the nearest mountain called, "Schliffkopf". Some of us were crazier than the others and so Patricia and I were soon engaged in a snow fight. The snow was so soft that it wouldn't keep together and it rained down over each other. Even though we must have looked like school kids we were cracking up with laughter so much that we were having a wonderful time.

Some bright spark brought up some polythene and approximately 10 of us still on it clutching each other for our dear life while a couple bigger men pulled us down the slippery and icy path. We were like surfies standing up bracing ourselves and grabbing onto each other for security. But losing control of our balance we fell forward into one big heap. What an absolutely hilarious site we must have been with arms, legs and so our bodies everywhere.

Since we had taken nine sledges up with us I doubled with Jim. Jim lay down on the small sledge I sat on his back. We were given a push and were soon cruising down the path, but gaining momentum we started hurtling down the path at a crazy speed. My extra weight and the lack of aerodynamics caused us to overbalance, pulling some pretty neat skids and a big wipe-out. What really cracked us both up with laughter was when we came to rest after losing control; we ploughed into the side of the track and Jim's head was submerged in the snow with me still sitting on his back.

Part of our ICPE School consisted of meeting in a cell group. A cell group consisted of totally one sex with the advantage of sharing on a deeper level on certain topics. For our meetings we would share, prayed together, encourage one another, do crazy things and have heaps of fun.

Our cell group consisted of a very diverse bunch of nations: the two staff members, Rob O'Neil from England and Derek Chong from Malaysia; and us participants, Mark Rosso from Malta, Rainer Gerhard from Germany, Rainer Hensel from East Germany and of course myself.

During our first official meeting as a cell group we divided up into pairs to participate in a trust walk. This is aptly named because it involves leading a person around blindfolded while they have to trust you. Reiner Gerhard was my partner and blindfolding him I said copying sledgehammer, an American TV star who acted as a policeman, "trust me! I know what I'm doing!"

I let him through the snow holding onto his right arm. "Stop!" I ordered him and promptly mischievously scooped up some snow and hurled it at Derek who was preoccupied with leading someone else. When I came under attack, I immediately hid behind that burly bulk of Reiner Gerhard. Was I brave? No, I was being wise.

I decided to do some military training. "Left, right, left, right, left, right!" I ordered Reiner. "Left, right – Double TIME!" I had to control my laughter, barely as I had jogging beside me faster and faster.

I wasn't finished with my mischievousness and led him on to the ruins of the monastery. But before we had reached anywhere near the steps to the monastery I told that there were some right in front of him. It was hilarious to see him stop and put out his foot as he tried to find the edge of the step we are none even existed.

Trust walk is surely a suitable name for this activity. As we switched roles I was trusting, but really more afraid that Reiner would put me through the same crazy routine as I had inflicted on him. Sure enough I too was put through double time. It's not easy at all jogging, let alone running in one direction while blindfolded. I was so frightened my face was going to come very close to an inanimate and solid object. It's even harder still when you're running in one direction and just when you think that there is nothing at all in front of you, you are turned so many times that you lose all sense of direction. Therefore you don't know where Arthur or Martha is. Many times you can swear that you are going to run into something. But when you reach out hesitantly with your hand you discover there is nothing there but thin air. So this means that the only choice, other than ripping the blindfold off, is to trust the person leading you.

What was just as frightening was when I was standing there one minute and the next Reiner released my arm and disappeared. I stood there wondering how long he would be gone for and then my mind sort of something far worse, _what could he be conjuring up?_

PLOP! It sounded just like a snowball was being thrown at me. SPLAT! WHAM! WHACK! _It is._ "Yuck!" I screamed as I came under serious snowball fire and the freezing ice ran down my cheek. Grabbing as much snow as I could, I threw it at the sound of Rob's laughter. SPLAT! I scored a direct hurt. The sure was fun throwing snowballs even when blindfolded.

A few minutes later we join together to share our experiences as well is our feelings about the trust walk. Then we were told to write our name at the top of a piece of paper and then to pass the paper around to the person next to us and to draw a picture of what animal each person meant to us. They were to be good and encouraging characteristics.

Mark drew a picture on my paper of a monkey, saying it was because I'm funny; Rob depicted me as Bugs Bunny saying that under the joyful exterior was a deeper person that he wanted to get to know; Derek saw me as a bird saying that like a bird I talk a lot, and easy to talk to and easily make friends; Reiner Hensel also viewed me as a monkey as I was a funny person to him; and Reiner Gerhard drew a small bull saying that like a small bull I jump around a lot, and sometimes funny, very loving and very friendly.

But during this time of sharing something hit me very hard. No, I'm not talking about a snowball, LOL. I realise that the main thing that everyone wrote about me was that am funny. It is true, but I wanted them to tell me something about myself that I couldn't obviously see. I wanted something deeper, so that's why the picture of Bugs Bunny and the small bull touched me the most.

CHAPTER 14

GOD REVEALED

Now it was time to return to our school of evangelisation and our training. This meant attending lectures and writing notes, lots and lots of notes. These teachings were given by different people and covered different topics. First teaching was one of the most important that we had because it was so foundational, covering the character of God. Often we can portray our view of our parents on to God. For example if we have a father who doesn't show us much love, affection and affirmation in a healthy way then it is hard for us to believe that God can and does love us. By the way, it shouldn't be excessive love that panders to our every need and spores us with no discipline nor should it be too little love that we don't know how to express ourselves or how to love others. In other words if we don't receive love it's very hard or close to even impossible to give it.

We all have a limited knowledge of God and who He really is. It's just like an American football game where we are one of the players on a team, or on the reserve bench, or sadly injured and can't play. If you don't work for the good of the team, then it is going to be a lot harder, if not impossible to get to the goal and succeed. It's the same with knowing God. We are not going to get to know him more in anywhere near the level that we should for his creating and loving us if we don't work for the good of others as well as God. For myself Sacred Scripture and the Church (others) including saints and stronger Christians have helped me greatly to know God more.

Just like American football it's not going to be all a bed of roses. There will be many hard knocks and yet God gives us the grace to carry on and to learn from our mistakes or injuries, to get back up again when we get knocked down and to trust in Him and turned to Him. Don't forget that American football players get better from learning from others, gleaning their knowledge, from hard practice and the lessons learnt through experiences which are good and bad. Therefore the more they practice and listen to others the better they get.

But just like in football there is the opposition; some people don't understand Christianity or your belief or there are unseen circumstances such as being hurt by a redundancy, death of a loved one, the breaking up of a relationship, severe stress or health problems. So we need to avoid, outwit, or confront the opposition for the good of the team with the help of our teammates.

When we feel like we are going to be knocked about or suffer tribulation then we should turn to stronger Christians for support as well is crying out to God ourselves. It's not about escaping from our problems, but we should seek help on how to deal and cope with them. Therefore we receive the strength to carry on and prayer is vital for this.

Another analogy that relates to our knowledge of God is the universe. We don't know everything about our universe and are continually discovering new things to our delight and wonder. But with the help of science and thus technology we are increasing our knowledge all the time. It's the same with deepening our relationship and learning about God. Sure we have an existing knowledge of God, but it takes our entire life to deepen that knowledge more and more until we reached the supreme point of having all knowledge of God in heaven. We learn so much about God through prayer, Sacred Scripture, and other Christians including priests or pastors. When we learn more about God's character and desire personal relationship with Him by responding to Him and receive His love we become a keyhole through which others can see Christianity. Therefore someone can come to God by witnessing our actions. Never forget that non-Christians hate hypocrites.

We can get out distorted views of God from different areas, such as from:

* Our upbringing. The bad experiences from our family and school friends can distort our understanding of God.

* Our relationships. Whether it was a parent who didn't know how to outwardly express has all her love, or we were over disciplined, or a guy or girl used us and left our heart shattered these situations make it much more difficult to understand that God or even anyone does love us.

* Rebellion due to the death of a loved one. Since death along with the reasons why someone close to us has died is a mystery that is very hard to grasp we tend to blame God. First the questions are a response to the deep grief then one might reason that God doesn't exist or doesn't care for us to the point of being mean just to punish us.

* Bitterness at human injustice. People often blame God by saying, "if God loves us then why does he let wars happen? Why does he let people die? Why does he let good people die? Therefore God is blamed for the choices of humanity instead of the blame resting with humanity. God has given us free will which is the complete freedom to choose between right and wrong. God longs for us and encourages us through his commands to choose right. But often we are just too rebellious as we tend to choose the wrong and the consequence is that others suffer and God is blamed.

* Society. Because the world around us says that something is okay, it's doesn't mean that it is right, for example society says if you get rich you will be happy. Don't get me wrong money isn't evil, but our attitude is. For Jesus said to as friends, "the _love_ of money is the root of all evil." Therefore when we love money more than God then something is seriously distorted.

Society also says that it is normal and okay to have sex outside the sacrament of marriage, but especially if you're protected. But God created sex and is also reason why it contained sex to be within the sacred bonds of marriage when it says in Sacred Scripture, "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body (Genesis 2:24)."

Society also tends to make us believe that God is old-fashioned, out of touch with reality, and that he through the Church gives us laws to ultimately restrict us and our happiness. But it is society that has become the dictator through telling us what to think. All one has to do is check out their local newspaper or listen to our democratic elected governments to see this.

All of the above can distort how we perceive God because we project onto him our past experiences and us hurts onto Him, often blaming him.

As I already mentioned God speaks to us through Sacred Scripture; when something we read or hear proclaimed it hits us right between the eyes touching our hearts and moving us to action. God also speaks to us through other people, especially stronger Christians such as ones pastor, priest, Bishop, Cardinal or Pope and the therefore through the voice of the Church. In the old Testament God spoke to the people through the prophets and in the new Testament He spoke to the people through his Son and then through the Church through the power of is Holy Spirit. God is still speaking to the Church today, including the Catholic Church through the power of is Holy Spirit, like when all the bishops accumulate for an ecumenical council such as Vatican II.

If I have a wrong understanding of God what can I do? How can I discover more about who God really is?

1. Firstly identify the lie by discovering what area is distorted, such as "God doesn't love me." If you believe that God doesn't love you then you are disbelieving that God loves unconditionally. In fact God hates our sin, but he loves you infinitely.

2. Know a truth about this area that is distorted. Search for the truth from Sacred Scripture. For example Sacred Scripture says that God is love and that He first loved us.

3. Make the truth yours by asking God to forgive you for any distorted truth and for the grace to heal your emotional hurts. Also say to yourself, "God loves me" and thank God for loving you in creating you as you.

4.  Stand against the lie; tell Satan we are to go – to help!

5.  Share with someone you, preferably a strong Christian, your new conviction that God loves you unconditionally.

6.  Live it! Demonstrate that God loves you by the way you live. Actions speak louder than words. Don't just say that God loves you but believe it and put into action your conviction. Don't navel gaze by feeling sorry for yourself and saying, "poor me", "I'm useless", or "no one likes me". But GO out and share His love practically, e.g. encourage, smile or help someone in need.

There are other images or wrong pictures that we can have God. These include:

* We may not be able to see God as a Father because the closest image we have of a father is our earthly father. Therefore if we have had a negative experience in our upbringing then this can taint our understanding of God. Maybe our fathers emotions went expressed satisfactorily for us and thus greatly affected us. On the other hand we often receive a lot from our father to start us off in our faith and relationship with God. In my case it was my father who brought me up in the Catholic faith. Therefore it is very important not to harbour anger towards our parents as they tried the best for us and we don't know what hurts they may have had in their upbringing. I'm sure like my father did for me your father did the best for you. Also remember that just like you and me our parents are not perfect. Be thankful for them because they gave you life.

The characteristics of God are reflected both men and women for example intuition, sensitivity, caring, warmth and charm.

SMOTHERING----------------------WARMTH-------------------------------COLDNESS

(implies pettiness, Love  (not given enough  
manipulating, nagging, warmth by parents  
spitefulness, and insecurity victimised by men and so   
about oneself and others. hate all men)  
Fear of future/failure/letting go.)

Both smothering and coldness are two different extremes. The latter is the preoccupation with self and no compassion for others.

Charm illustrates warmth; it is the desire to communicate nonverbally a woman's responsiveness to others because she values them. This implies a combination of traits such as gracefulness, delicateness, emotional openness to vulnerability, sensual receptivity, sweetness and expressiveness.

Some of the male characteristics include decision maker, faithfulness good manager of time and resources including money, braveness, courage, protector, provider, perseverance and energetic.

But one should remember that these characteristics are not limited to only men or only women. A woman can also be faithful, a decision maker and a good manager of time and resources while a man can also be sweet, expressive, emotionally open to vulnerability and graceful even in sport. But these characteristics are often stronger in one particular sex.

So we cannot limit God to just some of these characteristics. In fact he portrays both male and female characteristics. He has been revealed to us through Sacred Scripture as a Father. But is He mother? Some liberal Christians try to deny his Fatherhood and over emphasise God as mother. But while God has female characteristics like charm, gracefulness and expressiveness because He created them and they are good, our Church and Sacred Scripture refer to God as Father. Therefore we don't pray, "Our Mother who art in Heaven."

But don't forget that guys can be graceful and also have charm; this is vital for salesmen! Yes I also consider myself to be charming at times.

Ephesians 3:14 "central to our faith is God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit." The aspects of the family are both father and mother because both parents must do their job well to reflect the full character of God. We all need a strong image of a father – someone who teaches us go guys how to be men, including how to treat women properly, how to show our feelings and express ourselves and how to provide for, love and protect a family.

"Call no one on earth your father; you have but one Father in heaven (Matthew 23:9)."

Why did Jesus tell us to call no one on earth our father? Because He was referring to the precise perfection of father; not just the word father but the notion of putting anything or anyone before God. God is our perfect Father and can provide for and help us solve our problems or give us the grace to endure our trials and suffering. God does help us through other people too, including our parents.

Remember that to know God is more than coming to conclusions. You can't really know your own father unless you spend time with him. If your dad is never home how can you know him?

If we miss certain characteristics being displayed to us like affection, approval from our Dad then we should ask God to reveal His love to us. We can ask God show us how much He loves us for God loves you infinitely. No matter what you do it will not stop His infinite love for you. It isn't that we should stop loving our dad, but know that we can't change our dad but we can sure pray for him.

We all seek approval from our parents when we are growing up. Though our parents were our first role models, remember not all parents know how to share their love openly and verbally. There seems to come a stage where they think we are adults and don't need that open display of love as if they are pampering us. While we may not need to be smothered, as pampering can be the extreme, we need a balance, called love. We really need a love which is healthy and not overpowering us, and helps us to grow emotionally in a healthy way, including through encouragement and affirmation. Youth really want to hear, "you do that well" or ultimately, "I'm proud of you!" They don't want to hear emotional abuse like "You're no good!" or "You're a failure!"

We look to our father to seek good reasons for our existence. If our father dies before that approval is given then we may really feel cheated! Those who have accepted that they are sons or daughters of God and thus the love of the Father, can receive all the fullness that they may have missed from their father. "Though my father and mother forsake me, yet will the Lord receive me (Psalm 27:10)."

God desires us to come to Him like a little child and ask Him to reveal the love of the Father into our hearts. How about stopping for just a minute or so, relax and ask God in your own words to reveal more of the Father's love and to heal the emotional hurts that may still exist in your life. Yes, I've sure had a few in my life over the years. He's your friend and Father and He will understand. Just speak simply to him, for example you could say "Dear God, I haven't talked to you for a while now. I want to get to know you more and follow you. Give me the grace to love others more and to be your true son/daughter. Please forgive me for my sins and heal any emotional hurts that I still have. Also help me to forgive others who have hurt me. I open up my heart to receive your love today. Let your will be done in my life. Amen."

* We may thing that God is like a watchmaker.

The watchmaker concept means that God created mankind but sat down in His pearly deckchair in heaven growing old with white beard and wrinkled body and left us on our own forgetting us. This gives us the impression that God doesn't care about our daily lives and doesn't interact with us.

But God loves us and created us. So He does care about our daily lives interacting with us. Sacred Scripture clearly shows that God interacts with His people. God wants to be even more involved in our daily lives if we let Him. He can guide us throughout our lives. There will be people we meet when we will are seeking God's guidance, and we will know it was only because of God that we met these people. For example we are able to receive God's love from someone else with our heart being touched deeply or we've been able to she has love and touch someone else's life deeply. It could be just buy a simple smile for taking the time to listen to someone.

"Truly you have formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother's womb. I give you thanks that I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are your works (Psalm 139:13 – 14). "

* God as an emergency lifeguard.

This means we prayed to God only in emergencies – disasters, death, money troubles, relationship break-ups, natural calamities such as earthquakes, acts of terrorism and any suffering or tribulation we have to face or observe. Yes we should prayed to God and seek His help in all of these circumstances. But we should also pray to God constantly, that is every day. In a relationship the spouses don't give each other lip service, for example only one hour each week. God loves us tremendously and like a spouse he wants us to spend more time with Him. One should start off by setting aside five minutes a day and gradually increasing this time. Use this time to read Sacred Scripture and also talking to God as a friend. While He knows us better than we know ourselves He wants us to talk to him about our day, about our problems and to surrender our problems to Him. There is no circumstance that God isn't interested in and doesn't care about in our lives, whether this be your cat dying, your headache, your hard time at work, your anxieties, you had a fight with your mum or a friend, you received bad grades, or your loved one dumped you. God is interested in _every_ area of your life.

* God as an old-fashioned grandfather.

Some people have the impression that God is boring, grumpy, no fun and so out of touch, like an old man only interested in his dusty shabby books. Such a person thinks the Bible is irrelevant to today's world and just a story book.

"So whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come (2 Corinthians 5:17 )."

The Church is the people of God and when we are following Christ we will see the deeper meaning behind religious things like the Mass or your Sunday service. When you put your mind and heart and do something it takes away the boredom, you begin to understand more and enjoy it. As Christians this can also happen when we choose to study our faith more. One of the great books that helped me to study my faith and understand the basics is called _Catholic and Christian_ by Dr Alan Schreck. It actually explains our faith so simply and so it is also a great book for other Christians to read and understand their fellow Christians.

* God as a policeman.

Some people think that God walks around with a big stick, ready to bash us over the head to punish us when we stepped out of line. This causes us to have a fear of making mistakes. We think that if we make a mistake God will reject or punish us. This causes us to have a false sense of humility and we are less inclined to be courageous. It also means we tried to impress people by attempting to get everything right in perfect, keeping the law to the last dot and results in legalism. This means there is no room for compassion.

Yes making mistakes by deliberate sin separates us from God. But it is also a conscious choice that we make to turn back to God. When we sin God convicts us and does not condemn us. Therefore conviction leads us to God and condemnation leads to hopelessness. God loves us so much that he will discipline us; He wants to teach us and help us to follow His loving ways.

* God as a pair of binoculars.

In this situation some think that God is always scrutinising us to ensure that we obey has rules to the dot and if we step out of line wham we are in trouble. Such a person strives to obey and when they make a mistake they are so frustrated at their failure. Therefore they obey some laws and ignore other people and their needs, for example someone is late for church and they walked past a beggar who is desperate for food, without batting an eyelid. Christianity is not just about a set of rules that we must obey. Yes rules are for our benefit, but there are circumstances where the rules can be superseded, especially when it involves the rule of love – loving God, self, others. Christianity is about relationship – it is interpersonal. In coming to know God and His love more personally our lives must be transformed and we must love God, self and others.

"I will instruct you and show you the way you should walk; I will counsel you, keeping my eye on you [protection] (Psalm 32:8)."

* God as Father Christmas/Santa.

Such people believe that God is never harmful or angry and that he overlooks our sins by having a passive attitude towards them. They say "he will forgive me so I'll just do it anyway." That is the opposite extreme of thinking that God always punishes us for our mistakes. This view also sees God is always giving candy coated presence in the asking for anything in return. Therefore one's prayers are just a shopping list of what can I get rather than praying for others and praying for one's own ongoing conversion.

God does give us gifts; hasn't he given us the gift of life together with family, friends, love, all that is good and all that helps us grow more like Him. God is asking for our dedication and most of all for our hearts by us giving Him control of our lives; we must seek His will always in our lives. Like a mechanic knows what is good for a car, even more does God know exactly what is good for us – he sees the big picture including the future of our lives.

* God as a puppeteer.

This image is completely opposite to the Father Christmas image. This is when people view him as being in control of everything and not having any choice or world themselves. Therefore they accept everything that happens to them as God's will. For example, if a car runs them over then it is God's will. Unnecessary risks are taken because it is believed that if anything goes wrong it is God's will. This is what we call fatalism. It includes wanting to take no responsibility for our actions and so having no motivation to change. So someone will blame being miserable or depressed as being God's will. This attitude and lead to rebellion when this type of person experiences suffering. They will blame the suffering on God and say it's the way they were made in so it's God's fault. We also see this attitude when people say God made this horrible world together with starvation, wars, hatred and evil. Therefore we do not take responsibility for our own actions.

Starvation, wars, hatred and evil are the result of humankind's sin. It was mankind who chose to turn away from God and his goodness; we choose to exploit, to be selfish, to not forgive, or we expect the other side to forgive.

God is in control of everything as He holds the whole universe in existence by his very will, but He does not pull strings to manipulate anything. He gives us the freedom to choose between right or wrong or else we would all be merely like robots.

God calls us to be co-workers with Him to share in the work of His Kingdom. Therefore God actually places a lot of responsibility with us. "For we are God's co-workers; you are God's field, God's building (1 Corinthians 3:9).

* God as a computer.

Some people believe that God is not affected by anything; that he doesn't care. They think He doesn't stop famine and war because he couldn't care any less. Therefore they view their sins as just getting rid of guilt feelings and don't believe that their sins affect Him and that God has no emotions.

But Sacred Scripture clearly shows that what we do clearly affects God. He does care; His heart breaks when He sees people suffering, especially due to selfishness: "and his heart was grieved (Genesis 6:6)." We should not forget that Jesus wept when He saw His friend Lazarus's friends weeping over his death. (See John 11:35)

"The Lord, your God is in your midst, a mighty saviour; He will rejoice over you with gladness and renew you in His love... (Zephaniah 3:17)."

So our response does affect God. He desires us to turn to Him or there is no two-way relationship.

Hang on! What do you mean by a two-way relationship?

It is as if you are married or have a friendly relationship. For any relationship to grow strong you need to invest a lot of time with each other. Also in order to have a deep and lasting relationship you need to be vulnerable, sharing what you fear and what you would like to happen in that relationship. It can be wise to let down your guard one by one. But don't hold back so much that the other person doesn't think that you care and they put up their defences. In fact the more you trust someone the more vulnerable you can become. This actually has a good side to it even though it sounds like a freaky word! When we're vulnerable it helps our true character to show itself because we say, "this is me, the real me." So masks start to be removed and other people can see what you are really like. This doesn't mean that you pour out your deep and dark secrets to someone when you hardly know them (except a priest who is Christ's representative and has the power to forgive sins in the authority of Christ). We need to use wisdom and to see if they can be trusted as we get to know them more.

* God as a tyrant/dictator.

Some people think God is an absolute tyrant and wants us humans to suffer because it is fun; to load us with heavy burdens because it is so funny to watch us puny little humans struggling so much.

But God is not a tyrant at all. He loves us so much that He sent His one and only Son to die for us. Jesus experienced tremendous suffering and so knows what it is like to be a victim though He did not deserve it.

"Father if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done. He was in such agony and he prayed so fervently that his sweat became like drops of blood falling to the ground (Luke 22:42-44)."

Jesus was in such agony because He knew that he was going to suffer such a horrendous and humiliating death. Be He knew God His Father had a higher purpose and the ultimate plan for Him and for humanity.

Jesus wants us to give Him our burdens and worries and so He can help us by giving us the wisdom, strength and grace to deal with them and not to run away or hide from them. This frees us from not only much anguish but walking the wrong path in our own strength.

"Who can add a single hour to his life? ... My yoke is easy and my burden is light!"

All of these misunderstandings of who God is shows us that we need to know who God is. We need to seek our understanding through both Scripture and Tradition. We need to seek a personal relationship with Him to understand more who He is and ask Him to teach us and to reveal His true character more. But this does mean we have to make a great effort on our side, for example, reading Sacred Scripture and religious books, asking a priest or a stronger Christian about God and if Catholic studying the teachings of the Church through the Church Councils and encyclical letters by the Popes. To know God is to love God. You probably could identify with having more than one wrong image of God. Let's throw away these misunderstandings, these wrong images of God, and ask Him to reveal His truth to us.
CHAPTER 15

SELF-REJECTION IDENTIFIED

One very significant event that allowed God to work much more deeply in me was when I had been walking along rather aimlessly in the snow feel lonely, confused and full of self-pity.

"I'm confused with this squeeze on my heart." I told God. "Why don't you take it away from me? I don't know what it is. I don't want it. Heal me! "I cried out to God. I also cried out to Him, "Help me God! Break me! Reveal your love to me again. I really need you!" I recalled what a friend said to me about really crying out to God; God would hear me and it would be an experience that I could turn back to in the future and remember God's faithfulness.

Our first guest speaker, Father Ian Petit prayed for me concerning this squeeze on my heart. "Lord, whatever it is, take it from him" he prayed. He was as mystified as I was to what it really was.

Then we experienced a special and personal time of nailing our sins and past life to a wooden cross. After writing down our sins on a piece of paper we folded up the paper so no one could read what we wrote and pinned them to the cross. A little later these pieces of paper were removed, placed in a copper container and burnt. This wasn't going against or denying the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It was so important to confess our sins and receive prayer for the healing of any bitterness still lingering from the past.

On my piece of paper I wrote down: "selfishness, friendships and hell at school!" However as I was thinking about what to write I hesitated because I felt mean giving my sins to Jesus. I felt that His dying for me was enough and that I shouldn't give Him my problems. But He calls us to cast our cares upon Him, which includes our sins. Then when I did write them down and pin them to the cross I felt peace.

During one of our lunch breaks I happened to pick up a book called, "Open Your Heart." I opened this small book and the following struck my heart: "For people knew that God is the closest and most intimate friend to man after all." I felt like Jesus was telling me that He is more important than anything or anyone in the whole world, that He could fulfil my needs. I really wanted to experience His love because I had a lot of head knowledge, but I had lost a great chunk of the heart knowledge. I needed my heart to be burning with love once again.

The hardest thing to deal with concerning this squeeze on my heart was not knowing what it was. I would wake up in the morning with this squeeze and not know if I was happy or sad. I was probably more on the distressed side. I was praying a lot for God to take it away. But He didn't. So there was no instant cure.

Another breakthrough teaching that we had was called "Bitterness and Forgiveness". With some soul searching I realised that I need to forgive a few people from my life including: my ex-school mates for the pain, hurt and demoralizing that I experienced; my family for their mistakes – being called useless, a pain and the hurt that resulted.

While talking to my sharing partner and reflecting on the teaching I realised that I had a very low self-image of myself. I was actually hiding behind a mask; the mask was there to protect myself from getting hurt. I was hiding my true feels and only showing others that I was a funny person. But deep down I was crying out for love. I wasn't allowing others to see the real me because I was afraid that they wouldn't like what they saw or accept me as their true friend.

During our next time of worship the leader brought us through a time of encouraging us to approach any individuals that we had hurt at the school and ask for their forgiveness. My hands started to sweat and my heart beat increased quickly so that it was pounding so much it seemed like it wanted to break out of my chest. I looked across the room at my roommate whom I'd been at loggerheads with and knew that I needed to go to him.

The incident which in my eyes seemed so big was actually very small. The saga was over having our room door open or shut. I wanted it to remain open during the day, until we went to bed to encourage people to come in; and I wanted to hear the voices of the girls one flight below us; and I didn't want to feel trapped. But my roommate Steve, from Ireland, had other ideas. He sometimes closed the door after him when it had been open and a short while later I really blew my stack. You should have seen the sparks fly. "You blimmen Irishman!" I screamed after him, "Leave it OPEN!"

I approached him, not knowing what his reaction would be. _He may actually think that I'm an idiot! I don't even know how to put it to him."_

Before I reached him, Steve walked towards me, put his arm around me, hugged me, and asked ME to forgive him!

"I forgive you. Please forgive me too. I'm sorry I've been so stupid." I told him.

Then I was surprised when a stream of people kept approaching me and asking ME to forgive them. Very quickly it dawned on me that I was as much at fault as they and some cases more so. For someone to be angry at me means I might have done something to make them angry.

I had thought that I hadn't hurt anyone except Steve and that it was more his fault than my own; and I also believed that I didn't need to ask anyone for forgiveness. But I soon realised my folly.

My heart was going crazy and my mind battled doubts racing through my mind. _This could be really stupid._ I stammered, "I, um, want to ask you all to forgive me because I have been wearing a mask." I continued, "I was afraid that I'd get hurt. I, I don't want you to only see me as a funny person but to know me for who I am." Tears began to stream from my eyes as I walked back to my seat. As I reached my seat I received a few hugs. _Phew!_ I was so relieved to get that off my chest. I felt like a heavy burden had been lifted from my shoulders and my heart.

Then our second guest speaker, Kim Collins, an American Catholic involved in worship ministry in Germany gave us a teaching about forgiveness. I learnt that forgiveness is a never giving up sort of love and it doesn't depend on what the other person does. But our reaction could be, "It's not fair!" Was it fair for Jesus to be spat at, ridiculed, stripped naked, beaten mercilessly, nailed on a cross like a criminal and left there to die in extreme agony?

Jesus sure knows what it is like to suffer, to go through such terrible and excruciating pain which just lingers on. He also knows the pain of losing a close friend as he wept over Lazarus's grave.

Yet with every wicked thing that was heaped upon Jesus He finally cried out, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do!" He did not say, "Father send them to hell or destroy them!" Our reaction could often be "To hell with them!" This reaction can even be towards our own family. So yes we too need to forgive like Jesus did.

_But how do I know that I need to forgive?_ Ask God, and then make a list of any situations where you remember you were hurt and you can't pray "God bless them" for those who have hurt you.

_But how can I forgive? It's so hard!_ Yes it sure is hard. But remember, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13)." Ask God to help you and to give you the desire to forgive and then make the decision to forgive them. Often to forgive we need to make that decision even if we don't feel like it. In life we need to do things even when we don't feel like it. Do you really think a lot of work would get done if we only did it when we felt like it? When we tackle unforgiveness we need to ask God for His strength and grace: "Lord help me to forgive." Then tell the Lord your decision: "Yes Lord I forgive them." But don't leave it too long or it will be even harder to do. When the situation comes back to your mind again with feelings of hurt or bitterness welling up inside you, then tell the dirty slimy devil, Satan to get lost!

I approached Kim Collins asking her if I could speak to her privately. I shared with her that I felt like someone was squeezing my heart and that at school I was picked on, teased and that this had given me such a low self-image to the point where I pitied myself.

"This squeeze was very strong at home and then dissipated to almost disappearing, but then it came back stronger at ICPE." I told her, "I was afraid that it had something to do with not being in God's will; that I was in fact wrong in going against my parents' wishes to come here to Germany. They wanted me to settle down and get a job."

To my dilemma, Kim had three words in reply, "Fear of rejection" she said with certainty. "With coming to a new place, it could make you fear the unknown and fear friendships." Kim indeed was spot on! She continued, "God is healing your heart because it is broken." How incredible! That was so similar to a prophecy I was given the previous night in our cell group; someone had felt God saying to me "I want to give you a new heart. Be a new man. You are my son." I believe that it was from the time of asking everyone for forgiveness that the process of healing could begin.

It sure was a relief to know what the squeeze on my heart really was. But it didn't take away the anxiety even though I wanted it to be instantly removed; I did not want to suffer. However Kim said there wouldn't be any instant cure coming my way, but that it was a process of healing.

During one of our worship times, Joe, one of our leaders, had a vision of a bird in a cage. The door of the cage was open but the bird wouldn't leave the cage. I felt this really related to me. I was afraid of the unknown and being hurt. God wanted me to be free and to leave the cage, but I had to make the initial move of trust to be set free by flying out.
CHAPTER 16

PREPARING FOR CHRISTMAS

Four days before Christmas while helping to set up the lights for the Christmas tree, Jim was dressed in as long cowboy type boots. Climbing onto a stool with the clothesline as a rope he made a lasso, swung it around his head and threw it high into the branches of our very large Christmas tree. Jim looked so funny, like an American cowboy improvising because he didn't have the right equipment.

The first mail that I received from home was from dad. I had been worrying to my parents weren't going to write at all. I falsely thought that they would leave me to my own devices thinking, "it was your decision. You have made that decision, so it's your life!"

The other miracle was that dad sent me a Christmas card. It was really special and touched my heart deeply because dad usually only writes to his mum and my mum is the one who sends any Christmas cards. But what really hit me was the message on the card. It showed me that bad definitely picked this card especially for me.

On the outside of the card was printed:

Christ

has come to earth

as love

so the earth

might come to love

as Christ.

With Christmas drawing near we were introduced to the "Angel Game". We had to draw a name out of a hat and encourage this "mortal" using notes, small gifts and scripture verses. Some of these gifts we hand-made for each other. However we had to wait until Christmas until we could find out who our "Angel" was. _Would the real angel please come forward?_

During Christmas Eve I had the idea of creating some encouragement cards for each of the participants who were on my school as well as a couple of the staff. So to catch two birds with one stone I address the cards to each room. In this way if there were four people in one room then one card would suffice for them all.

On the back of each envelope I wrote, "Do not open until midnight or I will self-destruct!" After I dropped off the cards covering the guys' rooms I stealthily crept down the stairs like a holy thief in place the cards outside the girls' rooms. With my heart beating rapidly I tiptoed back up the stairs.

"Brendan, did you write this?" Patricia yelled out from below. She continued, "Please do not open" and because she couldn't control herself she burst out laughing at my humour. Oh the joy of laughter. Because her laugh was so contagious I smiled to myself.

As a cell group we had to bake something for our Christmas celebration. So we decided to bake a cake together. Since us guys didn't have the expertise we asked the girls for help. Helen came to our rescue and gave us the handy hints we so desperately needed. Then we men began the baking and we were successful in producing a delicious cake.

For Christmas we needed volunteers for a choir. It's not something that I would have usually been part of so I thought, "What the heck, I will give it a try." To my surprise it actually turned out to be quite fun. I didn't hit the soprano level what else my voice box would have probably exploded. But we did have some interesting harmonies and I was on a level (tenor) in which I could cope. The songs we sang included Nowell, O Come all Ye Faithful, Joy to the World, We Wish You a Merry Christmas plus a host of others.

On Christmas Eve we celebrated the vigil Mass (vigil meaning keeping awake or keeping watch) and we sang carols as part of the choir. When it came to the sign of peace we walked around hugging each other in saying "Merry Christmas!"

Then it came to the Angel game and the revealing of whom our Angel was. First leader would pick one of the presents, which was named, and that person was called forward and would pick up their present guessing who their Angel was. It was really wonderful to see the surprise and joy on my friends' faces as they discovered who their angel really was. It was also extremely funny because most girls thought their Angel was a guy and most guys thought vice versa. To their surprise and our delight most of them were wrong.

One of my fellow participants, Lucienne declared confidently, "It's Brendan!" I walked up to her, her and with a big grin stretching from one side of my face to the other I replied, "No!" Another person guessed that I was me - wrong again!

The mortal whom I had blessed with encouragement, scripture verses and gifts such as chocolate, failed his three guesses. It was Tony and when I revealed that I was as Angel he had a look of "I should have guessed" on his face.

In relation to whom my Angel really was I had my suspicions. There were a couple of clues that helped me in my suspicions:

* The first thing I received from my angel was a note written to me saying, "hey Brendan!" It didn't take much thinking to realise that Reiner Gerhard was the person who talked like that to me.

* On another note my Angel wrote "Merci" and that was how Reiner Gerhard talked to me in real life when he was saying thank you.

But I was a little suspicious as I suspected Rainer Hensel, or someone else was trying to trick me. So on the night I knew I could boil it down to one person, in theory.

"My Angel is Rainer!" I declared confidently as I tried to shoot two birds with one stone. I glanced across at Rainer Hensel and then moved my gaze quickly to Rainer Gerhard. After a few seconds one of the Rainers squirmed in his place. It indeed was Rainer as the embarrassed man had a "you got me" expression printed all over his face. It was in fact, Rainer Gerhard.

He came forward and I gave him a bear hug, thanking him for his generosity. I opened the present that he had made for me. It sure was creative and delicious: it was an island made of our chocolate bars and some pine needles.

Another interesting gift that I received during the Angel game was an apple with guitar strings protruding from it. On the ends of the guitar strings were to my delight lollies (candy).

We finished off the evening with a dance. I soon learnt which women were the craziest and most easy going and fun to dance with. Soon I was spinning various women around the dance floor. We had a lot of laughter and fun at the same time.

On Christmas Day we celebrated Mass in German because the German public came to our church. We also sang some Christmas Carols to the delight of the local Germans.

After mass taking twelve Deutschmark coins and my fellow German student, Christoph Krude to help me I tried to call my home in New Zealand. Thinking that I would have to go through an operator and thus need Christoph I was really surprised when I discovered that I could direct dial to home. I dialled my home number, waiting and waiting and waiting! The excitement was mounting. Oh no it's engaged. _There must be heaps of people trying to get through to New Zealand._

"Ok Brendan, let's pray!" Christoph encouraged me. So we prayed asking God to help us get through. I dialled my number again and this time I heard the dial tone. _We are getting through!_

Click. "Hello?" a familiar voice answered.

"Merry Christmas Mum! It's Brendan!" I screamed down the phone.

"It's Brendan!!" I heard Mum's excited voice relay to my family.

"Merry Christmas!" Mum said passionately. Then like a typical Mum she asked, "Are you warm enough?"

"Yes! We've got central heating!" I told her.

"Are you enjoying yourself?" she asked.

"Yeah! I'm really having a great time! We had Mass last night at 9pm and we had a great time dancing afterward!" I relayed to her.

"I've been trying to get through to you for quite a while but the line was too busy!" Mum said.

Boy did I have something to praise and thank God for! He sure is _amazing_! Mum had tried so hard to get through and couldn't and I got through on the wing of a prayer.

We had a special brunch which included hot chocolate, scrambled eggs, ham and hot bread. But the real fun didn't happen until night time. We all dressed up in our best clothes again and we celebrated Christmas dinner. We started off the evening with praising God. Then some of the women performed a dance called "Christmas isn't Christmas until it happens in your heart." It was so awesome and really touched my heart. I wanted the whole world to hear this song.

After desert, which we usually called pudding at home, as a choir we sang more Christmas carols. Everyone loved our singing and wanted more.

The Irish lady Caroline sang a solo song. The lyrics included "Thank you father for giving me this very special family..." By the response I could tell that it wasn't only my heart that was moved by his song and beautiful voice that sang it. We were all away from our parents and families. So together we were like a family – even with fights and struggles and also fun and friendship.

To finish off the evening we Kiwis performed a song for everyone. We sang "Snoopy's Christmas." This song is a story about how the Red Baron and Snoopy go out to fight each other in an air battle in World War 1. After a fierce battle at 40 degrees below zero Snoopy's wings ice over. He knows he is caught at will probably die. Then the church bells ring out in the towns below. The Baron has Snoopy dead in his sights and reaches for the trigger. But he does not shoot. The songs surmises it might be the bells in the village below that cause him not to shoot. Then the Baron makes Snoopy fly behind the enemy lines. While Snoopy is certain this is the end the Baron cries out Merry Christmas my friend.

The catchy and beautiful chorus is:

Christmas bells those Christmas bells

Ringing through the land

Bringing peace to all the world

And good will to man

In fact during World I there are true stories of how the enemies would call a truce for Christmas and even swap gifts.
CHAPTER 17

ICPE SCHOOL CONTINUES

I had some very interesting conversations with a fellow participant from Poland called, Yatzik. As I was from such a free country as New Zealand I was fascinated and hearing what he as a Christian actually experienced under the iron arm of communism. He told me that under communism there was a lot of corruption. Even at school has teachers would scoff at him for being a Christian. He left the church for three years until he read a book on the charismatic renewal. He was so surprised about these people are singing, dancing for joy and praising God. So after it joining such a group himself he came back to both God and church. He also told me that he had been waiting for seven years, while others had waited even longer, for communism to be crushed because of the state of the economy and the brutality of the Communist rulers.

Kryztof, another young man from Poland compared the destruction of communism as being set free!

That same evening I discovered that a year before the Berlin Wall had come crashing down some ICP staff had been at the wall interceding for Germany and actually prayed that the wall would come down destroying communism in Germany. As they were praying they saw across appear on they must guard tower behind the wall. But whatever the authorities tried they couldn't get rid of the cross.

One of the most serious problems that ICPE faced was obtaining visas for participants or resident permits for others. Our first test of faith came when we heard that Thomas, my African roommate, received news that his visa had expired as he had only been given a temporary one. Yet authorities informed him that he had to leave Germany and return home.

We fellow on our knees and poured out our hearts, asking God to intervene in the situation. He did! Within only five days our prayers had been answered exactly the way we wanted. Thomas's visa was extended.

Stefan, the leader of our School warned us that we were going to have a "Gift Presentation". Ask participants had no idea what this was about. We were informed that this was our opportunity to give something precious to God. It could be a prayer, music, poetry, our life, our family, our friends, a work tool, money, or anything that we held precious and thought was appropriate.

When Stefan said "poetry" something clicked inside me and I began to harbour an intense desire to write a poem. I didn't even dwell on the fact that I had never really written any poetry before except maybe at school which I didn't get very good marks for. In fact my English exam results were terrible.

During my next time of prayer called quiet time, I sat down with a pen in my hand and was absolutely amazed that 95% of the poem just flowed fluently. The words came so easily to my brain as I put my heart into the poem. Then I cut out a huge red heart which I got someone else to draw because of my poor artistic skills and wrote the poem on it.

Another one of our main leaders, Joe Sammut shared the Scripture, "man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). I was the third person to share what my gift was and standing up in front of everyone I said, "I know what Joe's talking about." I hold up the red heart that I had created and said, "I want to give my heart to the Lord. This time was an inspiration I received during one of my quiet times." Suddenly I started to get stage fright in one of my leg started to shake out of control. I slapped it but the response was not one that I had anticipated – everyone burst out laughing. I put my finger to my lips and said, "Shhhhhhh!" I was now in a serious mode and continued with my poem:

"Lord here at ICPE

You have started to change me

Even before I left my country

You are saying, "Don't be afraid, Trust me!"

I've brought joy and to people's lives

And I've also heard others with my masks and lies.

Through your instruments [people] and teachings

You showed me what needed bleaching

With the struggle, I asked for forgiveness

Oh, what bliss!

I started seeing people relate to me better.

And to home I wrote a restitution letter.

Through Kim Collins you showed me

That I have a fear of rejection

So on bended knee

I asked you will for your Grace, love and protection.

Through other people my fear has subsided.

And my fight against self-pity has been decided.

The love of others has melted my heart

And I will experience pain when we have to part.

Community living is a joy

And I thank you Lord for bringing us together

One day we will be with you in heaven for ever.

Lord I open my heart to everything you have to offer

Help me dispel the darkness from my heart

I want all of you there – not just a part.

Lord I want to live and give to you

For the rest of my life

I am willing to pay the price

Whether it be money or my life

Guide me and accept me as a perfect sacrifice!

Everyone clapped with applause. "But I haven't finished. I told them. Grabbing a photo of my mother with myself I explained, "I want my mum to come to experience the amazing love of God. I want to give her to the Lord to show my trust in him. Then I finished by playing one of my favourite songs by the musician, David Meece. It was called, _For the Rest of My Life"_ and had touched my heart deeply.

All of the other presentations were unique. Examples of what people gave to the Lord included fear, someone's dying nephew, stubbornness, willingness to do new things, someone's nation, seeing God in others, music, poetry, someone's profession, will the Bible, family, money, friends, heart, hands and ears, talents, dancing shoes, life, and servant hood (washing someone's feet). They were all very moving and each situation, very personal and precious to the heart of the person giving the gift to God.

Afterwards I received a lot of encouragement for my poem. This lifted me up and was the start of the using a gift that I never knew I had.

We saw in the New Year with a joyful celebration in which we danced till midnight. The ballroom dancing was a lot of fun and the woman looked absolutely beautiful and stunning to the eye. "I'm going to dance the night away!" I told one of my dance partners. Then some firecrackers were thrown around the dance floor to our complete surprise and delight _Bang. Bang. Bang._

There was a rumour flying around Allerheiligen that really concerned me, especially as it was about me. However there was a lot of truth to it. The rumour was: "Brendan's been praying for snow again!" Actually it was really funny and I revelled in the attention. Also God was answering my prayer the way that I wanted him to and so often too.

One of the first times that I prayed for snow I said to God, "you know my heart Lord, let it snow please!" After praying this I slept for about 25 minutes. Upon awaking I wiped my eyes, stretched and looked out the window. What did I see? Was it Santa? No it was too early for Santa. Was it Superman? No he wouldn't be able to fly in this weather, lol. So was it snow? Yes it was snow that I saw out the window pounding down. My excitement raced and I ran down the stairs exclaiming, "It's snowing! It's snowing!!" Jim's smart reply was "We better move you on to the maintenance team."

In fact I didn't have the opportunity to be on the maintenance team for just one day. When we were about to commit the work to God and prayer I was given the honour to lead the prayer. Oh what a foolish move. While praying I asked God for more snow to the complete horror of the other men in our team.

One day in front of us all Thomas gave a very fascinating and inspiring testimony. He said:

"We were spreading the gospel in Kenya and there was a magician who saw people going to the Christians for help instead of himself. We evangelists tried to convince the magician that he was wrong and serving Satan. The magician owned some land upon which there was one tree which was different to the surrounding trees. When the magician whistled snakes would come and surround tree. One day we challenged the magician saying there was only one true God. The local people heard about this challenge and out of curiosity flocked to the tree to see what would happen. We surrounded the tree like the story of the walls of Jericho. The magician foolishly thought that he had more power. But this time when he whistled to his amazement and embarrassment no snakes came. Again he whistled... and...nothing happened. At this stage he was really worried. We said that we could uproot that tree with the power of Jesus. Then the magician laughed because he thought he had one that challenge because whenever someone touched the tree they fell down dead. We grabbed hold of the tree and roots and all were lifted out of the ground. At this the magician knew that our God was more powerful and he burnt all his black magic tools!

This was an excellent way to start off the lectures on intercession because it showed that God is much more powerful sensation. We watched teachings of intercessions on a video by a woman called Reona Jolly. Then we started practical intercession by splitting up into smaller groups and using these steps:

* Ask God to purify your heart.

* Silence

* Pray in Tongues

* Silence

* Sharing impressions/thoughts/visions.

During this practical intercession the topics that came into our minds were: Kuwait – it was the 5th of January 1991 and the war hadn't even started; ICPE and unity; and India which was on the brink of war. Jeremy shared how he had a vision of a warship which and that God was calling us to pray for a John Smith who might be in danger of an explosion and needed protection.

To this day we don't know if there was a John Smith that was in danger. We can't be sure if this picture was actually from God or was just someone's imagination. But there were times when more than one person had the same impression which actually related to each other. This proved that the Holy Spirit was speaking to us at these times.

As part of the ICPE School we had to create a presentation of our countries for the "International Night". This was a great way of sharing our cultures. In our group were Rachel, Jim, Mark, Ingrid and myself. We put our heads together and came up with the idea of doing a rap. Each one of us had to create a verse. Here's the result:

"Well here we are the Kiwi five

And we are so glad to be alive

So listen carefully to our rap

And at the end feel free to clap

Well the Maoris came first in their big canoe

With the Europeans and traders and missionaries too

In 1840 the Europeans arrived

With their worldly goods

And another way of life

At about this time was signed

With the uniting of the cultures was the plan in mind

Hasn't been without a struggle

But now we are a multicultural nation

And we stand together in might!

The people of New Zealand are quite diverse

They come from all over the earth

From the north to the south

From the east to the west

Because of these people are nation is blessed

Well the sea is blue and the grass is green

And mountains so high

They're a sight to be seen

And plenty of space to enjoy the fresh air

So come on down and we'll see you there!

And if you were to come down under

You would surely stop to wonder

Why we love sports [everyone else in group echoes]

"We love sports!"

Rugby, rolling or racing course

Cheer and yell until you're hoarse

In the water or on the a court

We even love morning sports [everyone else in group echoes "morning sports"]

( _my part begins_ )

Life's a beach man

Cruise to the ocean

Unpack the barbeque

Put on the lotion

The sun's bright

Oh what a day – no snow!!

Put on the shades

To shield the glow.

The surf's up

Launch on the waves

Get tossed

And dazed.

Cast out the line

The water's fine

But it's not the Rhine

[ _everyone's part]_

So here we are at the bottom line

We hope you're still feeling fine

Maybe we're not the perfect sight

But who cares? She'll be right!!

Then we presented a slide show of New Zealand which covered both the North and South Islands. There were many "ooooo's" and "aaahhhh's" when everyone saw the real beauty of New Zealand.

To conclude we our presentation we sang our National Anthem, "God Defend New Zealand". I felt so proud that God was mentioned so much in our anthem. Here's one verse:

God of Nations at Thy feet,

In the bonds of love we meet,

Hear our voices, we entreat,

God defend our free land.

Early in 1991 we again started to have teachings. One of our first guest speakers for the New Year was another American, Jim Mills. His speciality was worship ministry as he was a professional singer for God and lived in Germany. Therefore he would be teaching about worship. But before I knew it a subtopic of self-acceptance came up through his talks.

He said that we pattern our behaviour on what others think about us. The truth is we usually don't know what others are in fact thinking. If we think that someone is thinking something bad about us, we are usually wrong because without a "word of knowledge" from God or being able to read the person's mind (words written on their forehead), we can't really know what someone is thinking unless they tell us.

We may become the person that others say that we are, especially when we believe what they say. For example, school mates or parents have said, "You're useless! You are wimp! You can't do anything right!"

What are the benefits of accepting myself?

I know what it's like to have people pity me when I'm looking miserable. But who wants pity? I ultimately wanted acceptance, to be liked. Compassion is much better because it comes from the heart. Since I could only see pity being offered that's all I accepted.

When I accept myself, I begin to like myself more. I'm less worried about what others think and I'm not so worried about being rejected. I still want to be accepted, but I want to be accepted for who I am and may mean going against the flow and standing up for my principles and morals. People can see me for who I really am. If they don't accept me for who I am then they can just leave as it is their problem.

Self-pity is really like a prison. Because in the past I was so worried about what others thought that I become entrapped. It was as if someone locked me up and threw away the key. I would also run away rather than face difficulties and certain situations. I was also afraid of trying new things as I was scared that I couldn't do it or that I would get laughed at. I thought, "I'll never be able to do that!" I believed that being like this was all there was for me – I had no hope!

But self-acceptance is freedom. When I came to accept myself I could like myself for who I was. Yes I still had faults, and could work on those faults, instead of defending myself or shying away. I would thus face up to critique. I would try new things and discover, "Hey I can actually do this!" I could also reach out to others rather than waiting for them to reach out to me. If saw someone I could engage them in conversation rather than expecting them to speak to me first. Also I saw people generally relate to me better as they saw that I was more happy and secure in myself. Sure there will still be people who are mean to us, but that is part of life. We can't change others but we can help God change ourselves.

_Does God really accept me?_ He sure does! He accepts you for who you are. But what He hates is your sin. He loves you and hates the sin in your life. God really desires you to be who He created you to be – He wants you to turn away from your sin (yes that includes me turning away from sin too). Also God likes you more than you think. He loves you so much, infinitely, that He died on the cross for you!

I've been through a stage in my life where I came to believe that God loved me because He created me. But when I thought, "Does God like me?" my response was, "I don't think so."

It took a while for me to believe that God in fact does like me, so much that His love for me is infinite. God wants us to accept what He says about us.

But hang on a minute. What does God say about us?

God offers us to be His special possession: "Therefore if you hearken to my voice and keep my covenant, you shall be my special possession [in Hebrew, treasure] (Exodus 19:5)."

God offers us eternal life: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life (John 3:16)."

God sees and loves every individual. His love is thus interpersonal. He doesn't want us to perish in self-pity, but to be set free in the knowledge of who we really are.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the LORD (Isaiah 55:89)."

We tend to think that we don't have the ability to think what God thinks. We might think that we are dirt, low-life or just plain stupid! But God says, "I know you are not!" God knows your true potential. You have been created in the image and likeness of God and He doesn't create mistakes.

If as God's children we know that we are loved then it is much easier to love ourselves, accept ourselves and to be creative. Our creativity flows out of God's love for us. We are less afraid, or unafraid to try new things and we soon discover that we actually have a hidden talent in the area, for example, drawing, poetry, sports, etc. Some of our talents need to be developed and practiced and more knowledge gained. Other talents will shine out from the rest as we and others see us using them more and more.

Here is an extract from a small book entitled, _More Pocket Prayers for Young Christians_. This really hit me right between the eyes when I first read it sitting amongst God's creation overlooking Allerheiligen during one of my quiet times. It has helped me in accepting myself:

"...FROM GOD'S SIDE..."

Dear Friend Who Listens

I like it when you talk to me just to tell me how

things are with you and what your hopes are.

So many of your friends seem unhappy with the

way they are and the talents I have given them.

I mean you wouldn't believe the complaints I've heard today!

...And I made another friend, tall and thin and

gave her the most beautiful dark complexion.

I'm really proud of how she looks. What's more she is

probably the best writer in the whole class.

You should see her poetry! But now she's down there crying

because she's not a tiny, bouncy, blond cheerleader!

This really struck my heart because here was someone who was worrying about being someone that she couldn't be. She could only be blond if she dyed or bleached her hair and she could only be the person she wanted to be if she starved herself half to death. But she would still have her dark complexion which God said was beautiful. It is obvious she could not accept herself as she was.

By relating this to myself I realised that there is one thing that people always tend to notice and remark on, which is my large feet. I used to hate it when I was asked what size shoes I wear. Well, come on, do people ask "What size is your nose?" or "what size are your ears?"? I also hated it when Christians asked me as I wouldn't expect Christians to do this even though I have been teased in the past by Christians. But when I read this about the girl wanting to be a bouncy blonde cheerleader I realised: 1. I can't change the fact that I have big feet, unless I cut them in half; and 2. God made me this way, so why should I say my Creator, "Why did you make me like this? I want to be 'perfect'!" In God's eyes I am (and you are) perfect!"

God treats each one of us as His perfect Creation. Whether you have large feet, ears that stick out a mile, a large nose like a Kiwi bird, freckles that might look like fly spots, buck teeth like Bugs Bunny or are skinny as a rake, deaf, have only one eye that can see, or one arm, or no legs, or anything that might be considered a defect, you are still God's perfect creation. God loves you just the way you are!

"Man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7)." God still intended you to be you just as you are. God doesn't say, "That one is deformed so let's do away with that thing and start again." No! God's love is so personal that He loves you just the way you are. Even if you lost 10 pounds doesn't mean that God will love you any more or less. God doesn't make mistakes! He makes unique, unrepeatable individuals!

"Truly you have formed my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I give you thanks that I am fearfully,

wonderfully made;

wonderful are your works

My soul also you knew full well;

nor was my frame unknown to you

When I was made in secret,

when I was fashioned in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes have seen my actions;

in your book they were all written;

my days were limited before one

of them existed.

How weighty are your designs, O God;

how vast the sum of them!

Were I to recount them, they would

outnumber the sands:

did I reach the end of them, I should

still be with you (Psalm 139:13-18)."
CHAPTER 18

ENCOURAGEMENT ENVELOPS ME

While I was with these great people, I came to glimpse the power of encouragement. Some examples of the encouraging comments I received are: "You have a warm heart!"; "You have really changed!"; "I see you are changing"; "I see you opening up your heart to God and to us"; and "We are now beginning to see the real you!" These comments really lifted me up and gave me joy.

The common theme I saw was that I was opening up my heart and feelings to God and those around me. An example was when celebrating Mass one day and I was really grateful to God for the love that I was receiving. I said to God during the Prayers of the Faithful, "Thank you Lord for my brothers and sisters [ICPE friends] and how they have cared for me and love me and helped me to come out and show myself as I really am!"

One of my friends came up to me, thanked me and said "We needed to hear that!"

When someone encouraged me, it became really common for me to ask them to write down the encouragement so that it wouldn't go straight out of my memory like liquid through a sieve.

One of my usual reactions to encouragement was disbelief. I would say, "Do you really mean it?" I had this reaction especially when someone encouraged me in an area that I didn't know I was gifted in, for example someone would say "I like your poetry!" or "You really have a gift in acting!"

The encouragement I received from others brought joy and life to me. It was this encouragement which God used to keep healing my heart.

There was also a stage where lapping up all the encouragement I could I made an announcement asking everyone to write down what they have said or would like to say when encouraging me.

Some people encouraged me by saying: "God loves you!" But what mean a lot more and touched the depths of my heart was when someone said to me, "You are precious!" or "I love you!" I really treasured this honest affirmation.

_But how can we start encouraging other people?_ It's really simple. Think about someone in your life that you can compliment and then go ahead and give them a compliment. But make sure you use wisdom as you may be in a situation where your compliment backfires, for example, don't say "I like your big feet". A lot of people think only women love compliments, but really men do too. It doesn't mean that we compliment someone every second of the day, but that we encourage them when we see them wearing something nice/beautiful; affirm them in the good parts of their character, such as their humour, that they are fun, friendly, caring or helpful; and encourage them in with respect to their talents, such as their acting or artistic skills. It's so easy to concentrate on someone's weak points, what really bugs or annoys us. But we need to focus on people's good points/talents and to affirm them. It builds the person up and gives them a sense of: "Hey, I'm worth something after all!"

Ponder on this: When you go to the hair salon and you have a trendy or beautiful new style are you wondering if others, especially your friends actually like it? One person might say "Hey that's a great hair style" or "I really like your haircut!" So you respond by thanking them for noticing. But the next time someone compliments your hair you are much more enthusiastic because you believe what they say!
CHAPTER 19

OUTREACH – READY, SET, GO!

During the fourth month with ICPE it was time to go out and share the Gospel practically. Our first task in preparing for our outreach was to pray and discover what country that God wanted us to go to. Through prayer our choices were Poland, Czechoslovakia or to stay in Germany. In my discernment I thought that God wanted me to go to Poland. It was another country to visit and experience their culture. So it was my first choice and second was Germany.

When I heard the list of names called out for the particular teams going to each country I sat bewildered. I was included in the outreach team to Germany. In fact I was bewildered and hurt because I was jealous that my closer friends were mainly in the team going to Poland and some in the Czechoslovakia team. They were more special to me because of the encouragement I had been receiving from them and the great fun and sharing times we had. I ran to God and fell on my knees imploring him to put me in the team going to Poland.

I was so depressed and Gisele from Sicily tried to encourage me. She said, "Brendan God might want to really use you to touch someone's life in Germany. Don't be discouraged." I only partly understood what she was saying but I didn't take much notice. I was too jealous and angry. I was in a fight with God and his angels. I was really in the rebel mode. I approached the leadership team wondering why I was put in the wrong team and hoping they would rectify it. I talked to Joe about my concerns. After listening to what I had to say he said he would think it over and pray about it. However he came back with a bombshell; he believed the right choice had been made and this was where God wanted me.

I didn't believe it was the right choice and so the battle between God and I raged on. _Guess who won?_ You bet I really had no show; God won! I came to the point of asking God to give me a heart for the Outreach team that I was put in. I wasn't easy as I was still reluctant but slowly I came to accept it more that I was part of the Germany team. A statement from one of the leaders struck my heart: "The Outreach is one of service and not a holiday."

Through our meetings as the German outreach team we were informed that we would be going to Mainz, which is located near Frankfurt.

We had a commissioning mass to celebrate going out to spread the God News. While everyone else laid their hands and prayed for us the German team I was dwelling so much on the thought of leaving all my close friends behind as they left to Poland and Czechoslovakia. One prophecy was that we should be encouraged even though it was going to be tough. I thought this prophecy was spot on as I already felt it very tough to be part of this team. After the other teams were prayed for we laid our hands on all the leaders and prayed for them. I asked God for an appropriate Scripture and found this one: "love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and soul and your neighbour as yourself (Luke 10:27).

As someone was sending up another prayer to God I looked at all these leaders and realised there were 12 in number. Don't forget there were 12 disciples too. I felt that Jesus was commissioning them to go out and be much fruit. _But saying that will sound so weird!_ I decided not to share my minor revelation.

During the intercessory prayers I prayed: "Lord Jesus when I came here to Allerheiligen I felt people would get to know me and reject me. Thank you for the love everyone is given freely to me. They mean more to me than the snow!" I thought that some people might think that I treated the snow is more important. After my throat tightened is swallowed to try to clear my throat, struggling to finish. I stammered: "it's going to be really hard to say goodbye and leave." At this point I lost control and burst into tears. _These people love me for who I am and have helped God to start to set me free!_

The women were very supportive and one approached me and said that she felt the same. Another after she gave me a big hug and thanked me for my honesty said that I made her cry. One of the brothers approached me, thanked me and gave me a bear hug.

The following morning we celebrated our Sunday mass in German. My hands were so cold. _Praise God! There's Alfred in the seat in front of me!_ I stuck my shivering hands into the fur-lined hood of his coat and Annette it sitting beside me started to crack up with laughter.

Our outreach German team was comprised of Sacha from Holland and Mark from New Zealand as our leaders. The rest of the team were Ingrid from New Zealand; Tony from England; Theresa from Ireland; Segrid from Germany; Mairi from Scotland; Klemens from East Germany; and finally there was me. We practised a pantomime called, _Treasure._ We dressed like clowns, including all the makeup. The pantomime was about four people searching for a treasure. A narrator begins this story with an introduction saying, "We are going on a long and daring journey and to accompany us on this journey up fourth friends of mine."

So in character as clowns, in time with music we set off on our journey in search of treasure. We each lay down a very large piece of map and took out our navigational equipment, such as a periscope or compass. Each one of us believed that we had single-handedly found the exact spot where the treasure was to be found. In time with the music, one by one we dug for the treasure. But to our utter disappointment we did not find any treasure at all. But hang on! There was still one person left. A glimmer of hope flitters in the hearts of those who did not find it. But much bigger hope was in the heart of the last person. _I must have it!_

We all became excited as we were bound to be able to share in that treasure. We would have shared ours. We inch our way over to her. As she continues to dig we peer over her shoulder to try to get a good vantage point. _Oh no! There's absolutely nothing there!_ She breaks down into tears as she was the one with the most hope. We all return to our bags. The music sets the sad scene even more. All is lost. There is no hope. We all freeze.

Then along comes a very colourful character dressed in rainbow coloured trousers. Waving to the audience he pulls out a ribbon on a stick and waves it around. I turn towards the commotion. _What is this strange character doing?_ I'm both puzzled and intrigued. He waves to me with a smile. I hesitantly wave back to him. Curiously I moved towards the object he has been waving around. It is smooth and runs through my fingers as I touch it.

Through hand gestures I ask for one. Smiling he bends down and picks up one for me. I swing the ribbon but I am sent flying across the room. _Why can't wave it around freely like he does?_

After several more futile attempts I give up, frustrated and annoyed. I stamp my foot at the stranger showing him it's not working. "Just let go of the bag" he motions to me. I had been clutching onto my bag the whole time. _It can't be that simple._ I follow his instructions and try to let go but it is no use, I can't let go of it.

My friends had been watching the commotion and they gesture that they will help me. With two of them behind me and one in front we play a tug-a-war to the sound of a drum roll. Then with one big tug I am free! _I'm free! I'm free!_

Running around the room, I dance and wave my ribbon to the delight of the audience. They are delighted with me to see me free from my burden.

Soon my friends are also freed from their baggage and a grab a beautiful ribbon to wave around the room. After some more joyful music we gather around our new friend. He shows us a diagram. _Uh oh he is going to talk to us about God. We've heard it all before._ He unravels a couple of hanging sheets. On one is the word, "GOD" and on the other, "MAN". Then he tells us something completely foreign and rather ridiculous: "God loves you!"

One of my friends stands up and motions, "Yes, sure there is a God and there is mankind. But how can God love mankind? I don't understand. It's nonsense!"

Our new friend again shows us the two sheets. He points to "GOD" with one hand and with the other hand points to "MAN" and draws his hands together to indicate that mankind can draw close to God. Then he turns his back and raising up both his arms he forms a cross with his body and begins to shake and quiver. We become very worried as it is obvious that he is in excruciating pain. Then to our horror he actually dies.

Depression seizes each one of our hearts. _Why did he have to die? He was our friend. Why did this God of love let him die? What was our friend really trying to say? MAN, GOD and now terrible pain and death. No, it was all for nothing! His death was absolutely senseless!_

Each one of us, except Doh comes together into one group and wrapping a chain around ourselves we clutch our bags to our chests. With our faces hung in despair we are distraught and so lost. There is no hope. Doh is really afraid and pulls his bag close to his chest to seek comfort, but falls down into one depressed heap. __

The music suddenly changes from a soft tone into a sudden trumpet blast. Our new friend, unbeknown to us leaps to his feet. Doh is the only one who hears the commotion and looks over to the source of the noise. He can't believe it. His new friend is actually alive. Then he realised this friend must in fact be Jesus and thus God. He leaps to his feet, runs to his friend and falls on his knees before Him. His friend helps him up and hugs him.

Doh is still clutching his bag tightly to his chest. But Jesus motions that he needs to give away his treasures from his bag. Doh reaches into his bag and reluctantly gives away his first possession to someone in the audience. Seeing the smile of surprise and delight from the receiver he experiences the joy and freedom of giving. As he gives away each possession he experiences the same. Then he comes to his final possession. It is the most precious to him and the hardest to give away. He turns to God and motions, "Can I just keep this one? Do I really have to give it away?"

God nods. Doh gives his last possession a hug. It is a cute teddy bear. Then he gives it away. Suddenly he leaps with joy and runs around the room. He is now truly free! Then he stops remembering his other friends. _If they can only come to know this joy and freedom that God brought to me!_ But as he tries to encourage them they clutch onto their bags in their own little group and in their own little worlds. They do not hear him because their depression is clasping onto them like the talons of a vulture.

Dad is so sad that they just brushed him off and didn't respond to his enthusiastic witness. He really wished that they too had chosen to believe and be set free. He even asked Jesus to help them to believe.

Doh returns to Jesus and with the final music bows in worship to Him. Jesus places on hand on Doh's head and raises His other hand diagonally up to God the Father.

We learnt this pantomime in only about a week of practices. It was great to learn our parts even though I was a bit uncoordinated in the square dance routine. It was really exciting to see it fall into place and unravel like a giant jigsaw puzzle as we learnt more of the mime.

Our outreach team learnt that we were only going to Mainz for one week and rest of the time we would spend in Augsburg (near Munich). Segrid was from Augsburg and she really encouraged me by telling me that there was a very big youth outreach there every week.

It was also very exciting to hear that we could possibly have an outreach to the American Army Base in Augsburg.

In relation to affecting my relationship with God and hurting those around me I went to Father Karel for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. This is a sacrament to reconcile us to God and to others. In other words to bring us back into right relationship with God and clear away the rubbish blocking us. Our sin makes it very difficult for us to come close to God, to love Him and others. Our sin blocks us from a right relationship with God.

Reconciliation should not be a situation where we just call out our sins like we are reading off a shopping list and God ticks each one that we confess. It actually involves the desire to change and so confessing to God what have done that has affected our relationship with Him and hurt our friends and even our enemies too.

There is a definite power in confessing something to someone else. There is a power in sharing our joys as well as sharing what is heavy on our hearts, what burdens us. It should also be emphasised that Sacred Scripture tells us to do so: "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed (James 5:16." So Sacred Scripture reveals that being healed is linked with confessing our sins.

After Jesus rose from the dead He said to His disciples: "Whose sins you forgive are forgiven them, and whose sins you retain are retained (John 21:23).

Father Karel gave me Absolution on behalf of God which together with my faith and desire to change removed my sin. Then Father offered me some advice; the best way to break out of a depression was by focusing on the fact that in heaven there is no depression, to forgive those who hurt me and to remember the fact that God loves me!

I had been focusing more on _my_ hurt and feel sorry for myself, trying to forgive in _my_ own power and had been bitter and unforgiving. I had not been asking God to help me to forgive.

We learnt another pantomime, _Hands._ It was the same one that I had learnt with our youth group in New Zealand. But there was only one difference; this time it was completely in Deutch (German). With background music and taped narrator the audience is told: "God gave us hands, hands to create, hands to give, hands to love, hands to help, and hands to defend." For each other the actions such as creating, giving we were miming in pairs. Then the narrator says: "Hands that once gave now grab; hands that once loved now hate; hands that once helped now turn away; hands that once defended now attack."

Now God comes onto the scene with the narrator saying: "God extends His hands of love to a dying world and embraces His whole creation with healing hands. But we have nailed these hands to the cross..." Two of us seize Jesus and viciously nail him to the Cross. The narrator continues, "and say 'Stay there God!'" Then in time with the music Jesus struggles in agony and dies! As the narrator continues triumphant music is played: "And he didn't [stay on the cross] and he won't." Jesus rises from the grave!

The narrator concludes with a challenge to those watching: "He walks the streets of this dying world with open arms and scarred hands...Will you open your hands to him or hold back? The choice is yours... hold onto your life, or give it over to God. What will you do with Jesus?"

During our work duties in the afternoon Patricia Magri said something that struck me and surprised me like a lightning bolt zapping me. She said, "Brendan you are creative!" I was certainly taken aback and wanting specifics I asked, "In what way?"

"In pantomime! You have a real gift there!" she replied. That put in a big spring in my step, a smile to my face and really brightened up my day. I had learnt something delightfully new about myself.

We were due to leave within days on our outreach and so we had a celebration meal called, _Agape_ which had a particular theme of "Go!" No, it wasn't "Get Lost" but was more like what Jesus said to his mates when He was leaving them to return to God the Father: "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptising them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age (Matthew 28:18)."

One of the leaders really encouraged us with a scripture from Joshua. The verse that really touched me was: "I commanded you: be firm and steadfast! Do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God, is with you wherever you go (Joshua 1:6-9)."

This made me think back to my 21st birthday when I received a present from Pam Luxford. It was the same month that I was leaving for ICPE as the present was slightly late. It was a 21st handmade birthday card which she presented to me. On it was written:

"Remember that I have commanded you to be

determined and confident! Don't be discouraged,

for I the Lord your God am with you wherever you go."

On hearing these words from Joshua I was really excited and realised this confirming the Scripture that Pam had given me. _OK, God does want to use me on this Outreach._

Annette asked me to share my testimony with her. I was touched that she wanted to hear it. So after our German mass I went to her room. Sitting down I told her briefly about the hellish experience of my life at school and also about how I came to know God personally. Being a testimony it had the three components of my life before I really knew God personally, the experience that led me to commit my life and to love Him more than anything else and the experience of God's love, including how my life has changed as a result. Annette really touched my when she said, "It will touch many people's lives."

The Czechoslovakia team was due to leave the next day at 4am. Before going to bed, and after fare welling each person on the team I was resolved that I would get up and farewell them again. So after managing to wake up in time I gave the team which consisted of Kryztof from Poland; Mario Camenzuli from Malta; Helen Moloney from England; Christoph Krude from Germany; Rainer Hensel from Germany; Gisele from Sicily; Grace from Malasia; Marlo from Canada; and Rachel from New Zealand. We spoke words of encouragement to one another saying that God would use the other person. In fact they encouraged me more, especially when Gisele said, "You've touched my life and blessed me by being here!"

But I had an ulterior motive for waking up at 4am. I really prayed that the Lord would wake me up at 4am so I could farewell them again. The Lord was faithful by helping me to wake up with a call of nature. After going to the toilet I ran downstairs where everyone was ready to leave. My motive was to give and receive more hugs from my friends.

At the end of that day we fare welled the team leaving for Poland. As I embraced my friends they encouraged me. They said that I would enjoy myself and touch many hearts. But their prophetic words fell on deaf ears as part of me still wanted to go with them to Poland. I wanted to be with these friends whom I had drawn close to and from whom I had drawn deeply from their springs of encouragement.

As they piled into the hired vans I saw that Ingrid was crying. I comforted her, putting my arm around her and said with smirk, "Is there something in your eye?"

"Take the plant out of your own" she replied with a smile.

I made some jokes, saying, "I'll leave my impression on you" and pressed my hand against the window leaving the imprint of my hand on the glass.

"You already have!" Victoria replied with a genuine smile. This statement surprised me and brought me some consolation.

"I'm coming to Warsaw!" I declared. I stood on the step of one of the vans and hugged Jim goodbye. Then I stepped down, moved back and planted my feet like a runner just as the engines were being revved. The vans accelerated and so did I as I ran alongside waving and smiling. We passed the cafe but I was soon lost in their dust. I felt left behind as these were friends that I would really miss! Their leaving was like a knife thrust into my heart. As they drove away I thought, _I'm really going to miss you all! I'm not going to see you for a whole month!_

The day before I had been making some wise cracks (jokes) that in March there would be a big flood happening in Allerheiligen. My friends looked at me with a "what the heck are you going on about" expression on their faces. It was only when I pointed to my eyes and ran my fingers down my face to symbolise crying that they understood.

As I turned and headed back to the Big House the tears started pouring down my cheeks. The flood had come early!
CHAPTER 20

LEAVING GREAT FRIENDS

Now it was our team's turn to leave. Father Karel and the guests on base fare welled us. Then before we knew it were on the German autobahn cruising at a about 140km/h (84 miles per hour). While it was a fast speed it was slow compared to the fact there was no speed limit. It was enthralling to see a black Porsche flash past us at about 180-200km/h.

We went to Augsburg on a shopping expedition. We found it very amusing to see two supermarket attendants skating around on huge trolleys loaded with produce in stacked boxes. They looked like skateboarders, but were not as skilled as we witnessed the two trolleys collide. It seemed like we watching it in slow motion as the boxes slowly topped over and the produce was strewn all over the ground.

On our way back to Biburg, Mark who was driving said we would take a shortcut and go the back way to return to our dwellings. But we found ourselves driving up a very muddy farm track. After praying that we wouldn't get stuck and fits of laughter from us back seat drivers we managed to successfully turn around the go the normal way. Mark confessed that he hadn't been to Biburg for two years.

We concluded our first day with worship back at Biburg. We thanked our awesome God for our safe arrival and asked Him to protect the other Outreach teams and to comfort those who may be sad on leaving friends. This just so happened to include me.

The next morning we attended the 8am local Mass in the nearby village. After getting lost again we arrived ten minutes late. Everything looked like a typical Church inside with the usual scattering of people typical of a weekday Mass. Because the Church was so big I wondered how the people at the back could see the priest unless they used binoculars. The other thing I noticed was that there were mainly elderly people at the Mass.

Afterwards we met the priest who was new to the parish. He was very interested in our finding out who we were as there was only one other young person at Mass besides us. He thought we were youth from his parish and seemed interested in hearing Sacha's explanation about ICPE and us being from six different countries. I think he was disappointed that this group of seven bright eyed, very friendly group of people actually attending the weekday Mass were not from his parish.

Our first outreach or mission was to a prayer group in Augsburg. Things had started happening even before leaving Bibug when we were praying about this group. Sacha had a vision of fresh water being poured into bowls. Also at the same time I saw that Teresa had her bible open and looking surprised. Then she began reading from the Gospel of John:

"Jesus answered and said to her [the Samaritan Woman], 'If you knew the gift of God and who is saying to you 'Give me a drink,' you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.'"

Sir God was obviously speaking about wanting to give His living water to the prayer group we would be visiting. At the prayer group I saw mainly women sitting there – about 12 women and three men. The group seemed so lifeless. I estimated that the age of the members was about 50+. Young people may think that is the reason there was no life, but one shouldn't jump to conclusions.

We performed the pantomime, _Hands_ and we had no idea what their reaction would be. I was astounded to see some of them had tears in their eyes. Tony shared with me that he was surprised to see some of them crying when his character, Jesus was crucified and then rose from the dead.

While we were back cleaning make up from our faces, Sacha was speaking to the group about God wanting to give them "living water". She linked this with God wanting them to be renewed by the power of his Holy Spirit.

We entered the room observing the conversation and noticed how alert and attentive the members of the prayer group had become. We could see them eagerly listening to Sacha. At the end of the discussion one of the nuns was smiling. Segrid told us that we had really given them something you and we had given them new hope.

The next day we went on a prayer walk through the city of Augsburg in which we mainly prayed for the city and the people. It was a very cold and windy day and the people we saw looked lost and sad. My heart ached as I wish they could experience God's love as we had. My heartfelt for them!

We went to an Italian pizza restaurant for dinner. We were surprised to hear Christian music playing in the restaurant and to see how our pizzas were decorated; on each one the bacon or meet was in the form of a cross. It was even more amusing to hear that they did this just for us.

We went to a local question bookstore and changed in the back to prepare to perform _treasure_ for the first time. We proceeded to walk up the street dressed as clowns. I waved to those passing by including those in the cars. There were some surprise faces staring at me. We kept on walking until we reached St Peters Church where there were a lot of young people waiting for us.

We began by performing _Treasure._ Ingrid was situated in front of me, so close that I could smell her perfume. As Klemens was narrating I chewed on her hair ribbon. When I repeated this action I heard the audience respond with muffled laughter. Because the accompanying music wasn't working on the tape recorder I thought I should ad-lib.

I checked out Ingrid's bag, curiously looking inside it. But still there was no music. _Now what?_ I mischievously pulled up Ingrid's trouser leg and showed off her bright green socks to the audience. Then the music suddenly started. The entire mime went off without any other problems. Then Sacha gave a sharing based on the pantomime in challenge these young people by rhetorically asking them what their treasure was: "Is God your number one? Does He have first place in your life?

After removing my make up so that I can look more normal again I was preparing myself to share my testimony. There were about 200 to 300 young people gathered. I was so nervous, afraid that my knees would start shaking. _What are they going to think about this testimony? What if I forget what I should say?_ I don't want to get tongue tied. I shared partly about what oppression in this book: how I came to know God and His love more and the effect that had on my life. I added: "Let Him be the centre of our lives, our treasure!"

_Phew it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be._ Our team really encouraged me and Sasha touch my heart was telling me that she was proud of me. Not many people in my life had ever said that to me.

Approaching a blonde Fräulein (German for young woman) and a fluorescent pink jacket I said, "Your jacket is brighter than my pants" and she laughed. Asking her what she thought of the drama she replied that at first she didn't know what it was about, but she caught onto the message when she realised that the treasure wasn't found in when Doh was sharing has treasures.

During the week after Mass Mairi was handed a little package by the parish priest mother. Inside were some cookies. Thoughtlessly I joked, "Is it money or food?" That someone is generous gift I acted foolishly. I realised how wrong I was when others thank God through prayer for such a simple and nice gift. One person even said sometimes that we have big elephant feet and trod on and miss the 'little flowers'. I realise that this was a little flower from God that I had taken for granted.

Another difficulty that I was experiencing was that I didn't know what I was going to do after the four-month ICPE School. In fact I was scared of going home. I had changed so much because of God through the power of this Holy Spirit working within me and because of the love and encouragement shared so freely by my friends. I was afraid that I would go home and because of lack of support slip back into my old ways. I knew that I would find it really hard to be a Christian in my own home for example obeying my parents and the simple things such as tidying my room. I was also scared that I would slip back into depression if I couldn't find a job or because of missing most of my friends from my ICPE.

I just knew that I needed to stay for at least the staff formation year and that I also needed the love, support and encouragement that would ensue. I'd already said to God that I would stay but on one proviso, that He provided for me to stay. There were two fares that were overwhelming me: one was money as I needed to pay 60 Deutschmark a week board +100 Deutschmark for the Staff Formation Year which meant a total of 4000 deutsche marks ($2,000 US)! But I only had about 50 deutsche marks to my name. The other fear was what my parents would think. They hadn't jumped with joy at the thought of me going to ICPE for just four months, let alone the idea I would stay for another entire year!

I had a very vivid dream which made me face my fears. I dreamt I was talking to Victoria back in Allerheiligen. She asked me a question which knocked the stuffing out of me: "are you staying for the Staff Formation Year?" I was filled with such confusion and despair. First I looked away in my confusion and then turning back to her I replied in frustration, "I DON"T KNOW!!" Then I woke up. _Could God be trying to tell me something? Nah! I've already told Him that I will stay. Then why did I reply that I didn't know?_

"Victoria says hello!" I told some surprise faces at breakfast. "Well, she would have if she could" I said before relating the dream to them.

"You need to make a firm decision either way or else you will keep swaying from one choice to the other." Mark told me. This reminded me of Charles' words about the ship being tossed in the sea which I related at the beginning of this book. Mark continued, "You need a firm decision for the future so that in the tough times, when you look back you will have the knowledge that _you_ have made that decision."

I knew that he was right. Walking up the hill behind our lodgings I had my prayer time, my quiet time. This brought memories flooding back of going up to the trig station at home to decide whether to go to ICPE. When I reached the top of the hill I was elated to see a seat with a small crucifix. Above the corpus of Christ were the letters, "INRI" which means "King of the Jews". I sat down and asked God, "Lord, show me what to do. I want to remain in your will. I want to do what you want me to do! I love here in ICPE! The people allow me to be me, and love me for who I am. I'm afraid to go home Lord. Help me, show me what you want."

After alternating between praying in tongues and English and just sitting peacefully allowing the Lord to speak to me in whatever way He chose to I opened my Bible. My intention was to Scripture Dip, by opening up the Bible and reading the first passage that my eyes befell after asking God to speak to me. I prayed for God to speak to me and my eyes focused upon Romans 4:1-5 "...Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness. A workers wage is credited not as a gift but as something due. But when one does not work, yet believes in the one who justifies the ungodly, his faith is credited as righteousness."

_Fantastic! God wants me to stay!_ I saw that God would bless me for not going back to work, but instead I would work just for Him for at least another year.

"OK, God that's really great, but can you give me another confirmation?" I asked God wanting to be doubly sure that this was what God wanted. So placing my hands on my Bible I opened it and Isaiah 61 was before my eyes. From what I read I knew that God was answering my prayer:

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,

because the Lord has anointed me,

He has sent me to bring the glad tidings

to heal the broken hearted..."

"Incredible! God you want to use my experience of broken-heartedness to heal the broken hearted..."

"...To proclaim liberty to the captives

and release to the prisoners,

To announce a year of favour from the Lord

and a day of vindication by our God

to comfort all who mourn;

To place on those who mourn in Zion;

a diadem instead of ashes,

To give them oil of gladness in place of mourning,

a glorious mantle instead of a listless spirit.

They will be called oaks of justice,

planted by the Lord to show his glory

They shall rebuild the ancient ruins,

the former wastes they shall raise up..."

Joyfully I closed my Bible and praised God. After thanking Him for speaking to me so clearly I opened my Bible to refer back to Romans 4:1-3 and flicking through the pages the Scripture passage from the Gospel of John leapt out at me: "Do not let your hearts be troubled. You have faith in God; have faith also in me (John 14:1)."

I was wondering whether Romans 4 made any sense to me at all. I thought it was irrelevant until I remembered that two or three weeks previously when I woke up at 6am I couldn't get back to sleep. So I went downstairs to the library and prayed. When I opened my Bible the first Scripture to hit me was Romans 4:1-3! Only when I was cross referencing (looking for a familiar theme or reference from the Old or New Testaments) with Genesis 15:6 and backtracked to the beginning of the story that I saw: "Do not be afraid Abram I am your shield your very great reward."

How incredible! God was reassuring me that He would provide for me to stay. Dwelling more on this I knew that God didn't want me to fear as he would look after me.
CHAPTER 21

WITNESSING IN THE STREETS

After obtaining permission from the local authorities we headed for the streets. As this was the first street outreach for us practice parents there were some shaky knees! I was both nervous and excited. _What sort of people are we going to meet? What will be their reaction to the messages we present? Will they laugh at us, ignore us or take our message to heart._

Mark had to races voice so much that he was soon shouting to introduce us. A few people stopped, probably wondering what this crazy man was on about. But they soon lost interest and walked away.

When Ingrid and Segrid danced to the song, _I Believe In Jesus_ , a few people stopped to watch.

"Okay, get ready it is time to perform Treasure" Mark warned us. The number of those stopping continued to grow so it was perfect timing. As we were performing the pantomime we had about 40 onlookers stop. Hermene, one of the women in secrets community, translated for me. I had my eye on a young woman on a kid's bike who had been watching the mime intently. I made a b-line straight for her.

Hermene introduced us and we learnt that this woman was called Susan. I was relieved to find out that Susan could in fact speak English. Susan shared that she had left the Church and didn't believe in God any more. I shared about my experiences of being in a prayer group and growing in faith, but Susan had a strange look on her face. So I asked, "What are you thinking?"

"I believe people believe in God because they are afraid of dying." she replied.

"I believe in Jesus, because I've experienced Him and His love, not because I'm afraid of dying" I replied. "The ball is in your court" I told her, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I can tell you about Jesus, but I can't make you believe. You need to experience His love."

I felt so inadequate and began to run out of things to say. I invited Susan to a prayer meeting that we had planned for later in the week. After meeting Susan all I could do was to keep praying for her, and hope that at least just one thing that I said would stay with her and later draw her closer to Jesus.

During our second street outreach we had a man shouting at us and saying that we just wanted everyone's money. He clutched some money and as hand offering it to us; he must have thought that he had to give it to us. We declined his offer as we were not there for money.

The following Sunday we visited an American army base for mass. The priest, also known as a padre by the army, was Father Bykowsky. He was a real hardcase, in the New Zealand and USA sense of the word. He was very surprised to hear that Mark and I were from New Zealand. He hassled us in a friendly way about Kiwi polish and then also by asking us if New Zealand is part of Australia.

"Where are you from?" he asked Tony as he extended his hand shook Tony's hand firmly.

"England" Tony replied.

"Too bad!" Father replied mocking Tony which made us explode with laughter.

It was so refreshing to be able to celebrate Mass in English again. This time I could fully understand the homily as I didn't need a translator. It was about the call of God. Father said God was asking, "Who will I send to spread my word..." Our response should be, "Here I am Lord, send me." Father said that many of us are touched or moved by God's call to respond but we don't answer that call. He said we should respond to God's call on our hearts with, "Here I am Lord, send me."

This homily really inspired me; I had been dwelling on my decision (response) to stay with ICPE. The atmosphere of the Mass was very special and relaxed; while we prayed the Our Father, Father Bykowsky invited everyone to join hands, which we usually do in our daily Mass in ICPE). There was such a feeling of unity as we held hands and prayed together as one body. As we were so united in prayer our prayer felt even more powerful.

Father told everyone gathered that there were a group of young people visiting who were from a Catholic evangelisation group with people from: New Zealand, England, Holland, Scotland, Germany and Ireland. Then he invited everyone for a hot drink and cookies in the gymnasium.

Inside the gym I met a young American soldier, David. From the moment he spoke to me I could tell he had a very strong faith. He talked about wanting to work as a teacher or just to work with kids. David is Anglican and wants to do some evangelisation himself one day. He said, "During the civil war President Lincoln called on the whole country to pray in humility and to also fast. So I'm really glad that President Bush also called people to pray. I believe that it's because of God that the war is over and that so many American lives weren't lost over Kuwait."

With our next trip to the American Army Base we gave a presentation and sharing to the RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) group. RCIA is a programme for those who want to find out more about the Catholic faith and it's a time of discerning whether they want to become Catholic.

Once again we became while searching for the right building. But, after asking someone for directions we found out that we were actually quite close; we were only a couple blocks away from our destination.

Reaching our destination we climbed a couple of flights of stairs and entered a room. We were greeting by a nun in civilian clothes and high heels. Sister Geri was really funny and was so welcoming. When it came to finding a seat in the group I sat by a cool looking dude. I was feeling a bit awkward thinking about what to say to him. Then I forced myself to initiate conversation; I turned to him and said, "Hi, my name is Brendan. I'm from New Zealand!" I smiled. I was surprised when he warmly replied with a smile, "Hi, I'm Chris!" From then on the conversation flowed easily as we talked about ourselves.

Mark introduced us, sharing about the history of ICPE. Tony led us in worship and taught the group two new songs: "He is our peace" and "Come let us sing". Everyone sang along and I could see they were really enjoying the time.

Mairi then gave an excellent teaching on "Baptism". It was great to hear someone from our group give a teaching completely in English. Sadly, I didn't get to hear it all as I had to leave the room to put on my make-up (don't worry it was for _Treasure,_ lol).

Klemens was the narrator for _Treasure_ so he had to learn the whole narration anew but this time, off by heart in English. I was so excited that we could actually perform it in English for the first time. It was our debut so to speak! It was so refreshing to perform _Treasure_ with English narration. It went off without any technical problems. Then Mark gave a sharing on the Sacraments.

Sister Geri asked us to introduce ourselves one by one and tell the others in the group about ourselves. After we had finished the RCIA participants introduced themselves. It was wonderful to hear their backgrounds and to understand what was bringing them to the Catholic Church. One person's testimony, in particular stood out for me above all the others. This soldiers name was Ed. He said, "I really enjoyed the worship! It really brought back memories. You see, I used to belong to the Assemblies of God (AOG) Church and now I'm going to become a Catholic. I used to belong to the River of Life Revival Choir. I'm so ecstatic to meet you all!"

Chris's sharing also touched me: "I met Sister Geri a year ago when I started to Mass with my wife. Sister encouraged me to come along to the RCIA program and I'm so glad that I did! ... I don't need God to show me in a dramatic way that I need to follow him!"

We were informed that two more meetings had been arranged. I was excited to hear that these meetings would include American youth. Upon our return we discovered that the youth were high school aged – about 12-13 years old.

The first teenager I met had a strange name, Byron. "Give me five don't leave me hanging" he said to me with a big smirk on his face.

"Give me five!" I said extending out my hand, "on the side, down low" I jerked my hand away before he could hit my hand. "Too slow" I said, laughing.

Byron pulled out a strange looking note. It was designed in Arabic and had Saddam Hussein's face on it. He told me that his dad, who is serving in the US Army in Iraq, sent it to him from Iraq.

After performing _Treasure_ Mark asked the youth what the mime meant to them. Answers were given such as Easter and why Jesus died for us.

"When do you think about God?" we asked them?

"During the times such as my Dad being in the Gulf War", "When I've got exams" were some answers given.

We put a challenge to them: "Should it always be like this that we only think of God when there's an emergency?"

The answer was unanimous, "No!"

Out next visit to the Army Base was one which had the unexpected in store for us. The age of the Confirmation group was about 15-16 years. They really enjoyed the song, "Jesus is our Rock and He rolls our blues away".

I had been asked to share my testimony. Again I was so nervous with my mouth dry and stomach feeling like it had been tied in knots. _What are they going to think of what I'm going to say? Are they going to laugh at me and think my testimony is lame?_

This time I included how Dad asked me if I wanted to be Confirmed one year, "I felt uneasy knowing that the Confirmation programme would take up a lot of my time and told him no. However, a year later I felt that I was ready... For me it was committing my life to the Lord in a Catholic way for the first time in my life! ... ICPE has been changing me ... the Cross has more meaning in my life; Jesus died for me. He offered me new life where I could say, 'I don't want this sin you take it. Help me to continue following you.'"

Then we performed _Hands_ which they really showed their enjoyment in their enthusiastic support. Mairi also shared her testimony to them, speaking on their level as she included mentioning the Gulf War and their parents. After Mairi finished I invited each person to share what Confirmation means to them.

"Confirmation really means a lot to me. It is confirming my face and bringing me and to the Catholic Church" Ed shared. In comparison the others saw it more as a sign that they were becoming adults. But the most memorable and gut-wrenching answer came from a guy called Bryan who told us that Sister Geri invited him along to specifically see us. While he was speaking to some of the teenagers were getting restless and rather noisy. But they were soon distracted and captivated by the bombshell that Bryan shared with us.

"Twice lately I have tried to commit suicide" Bryan shared.

At that moment you could have heard a pin bounce on the floor; the silence was almost deafening. We waited will with great anticipation with what might come next. Bryan shared how his life had been really difficult for him and that he had lost hope.

After everyone had finished sharing and we concluded with a song Teresa and I approached Bryan and began to talk to him. He believed that it was God who spoke through him when he was sharing that night and that he had been really touched by what we shared.

"Would you like us to pray with you?" I asked Bryan.

"Yes, please do!" he replied. His response was a cry from his heart when he said, "Jesus, help! I need you! Please let me die an old man!"

When we had finished praying we kept talking to Bryan. Sister Geri approached asked and asked us as a group with Ed to pray for Bryan. Bryan was very eager to receive more prayer. Afterwards he said to us, "I really felt as if God was there with us!" We were all touched by the hope that was given to Bryan.

We fare welled our new friends with the thoughts in our hearts that this would be our final time at the American army base or so I thought. In fact our last conversation with Ed would lead to a lasting friendship. Ed asked us, "Where are you guys going to be when I get Confirmed?"

"In Allerheiligen" we replied.

"Why don't you guys come over for my Confirmation at Easter" Ed invited us.

Without hesitation I blurted out enthusiastically, "I'll come if you supply the train ticket and place for me to stay!"

"I should be able to work it out" Ed replied.
CHAPTER 22

EVANGELISING IN THE STREETS AND IN PRISON

ICPE will go anywhere if the local bishop invites them, including to: hospitals, youth groups, parishes, other churches, primary schools, high schools, universities, streets, parks, railway stations and prisons, etc.

The long awaited day arrived for me to experience an outreach at a German school. With my face painted in white I waved enthusiastically to the kids. Instantly the younger ones waved back and the older kids were more reserved and looked at each other as if to say, "we are too old or to cool for this!"

Mingling with the kids we started singing, "From the Rising of the Sun" to start off our presentation, together with the actions that go with it. It was really encouraging to see all these kids raising and lowering their arms to indicate the rising and setting of the sun.

Segrid shared her testimony in German so I had to sit through it and pretend I was interested when in fact I couldn't understand a thing. However, I could tell that Segrid was speaking on their level and appeared to be having a good rapport with them.

Sacha opened up a dialogue by asking the kids who they thought Jesus was. Their replies flowed freely. Sacha told me later what they said: "He is the Son of God", "He died for us!", "He died for our sin."

"What is sin?" Segrid asked.

"When we do wrong" came the reply.

"Jesus wants us to be happy. He wants us to pray in the good times and the sad times. That is, when we are happy or sad. He wants to be our friend. Who wants Jesus as a friend?" Everyone's hands shot up. Then Sacha led them in a simple prayer to invite Jesus to be their friend. It was fantastic to see these children were extremely open to such a simple message.

The next class that we visited was just as rewarding. When I entered the classroom with my clown-like white face I greeted each child warmly by pumping their hand up and down wildly. They thought this was very strange but also very amusing.

After we performed _Hands_ I shared my testimony with the children, focusing on the idea of friendship. I said, "At your age I didn't know that Jesus could be my friend, but now I've accepted Him as my friend. I pray to Him when I'm happy and when I'm sad. I talked to Him as a friend, just like I'm talking to you." When I asked if they want to Jesus as their friend the response was unanimous once again. It was really great to see how open they were and to see their faith simple plague. Segrid asked how much longer was left. "One hour!" one of the kids replied. But the teacher said, "Just one minute."

"Nein, nein! (no, no!)" the children complained.

At our next school outreach the students were older, about 14 to 15 years old. We asked them, "Who is God?" But the reply was negative, "Church is boring!"

"Who else finds Church boring? Who wants to see Church more joyful?" I asked. In response every hand was raised. I continued, "I used to find Church boring! But I went along to a youth group and we all decided to do something about it. We had Youth Masses with guitars, mime and personal testimony. I witness young and old hearts being touched. If you want you can help make the church more exciting as well as deepening your faith." I found that this group was a lot harder to get through to, but they did listen intently to what I had to say.

During another class which was very tough the children were very restless and noisy. "Who has heard the story of the Prodigal Son?" Ingrid asked the children. Because only a handful the kids had heard the story she began to tell them about the story very simply. Then on the blackboard she used an illustration as an example saying, "Man has turned away from God and we need a bridge to turn back to God." The illustration she drew was of a cross between Man and God. She continued, "Jesus's Cross is the bridge in which we can reach God."

Ingrid drew herself a great distance from the bridge, which was where she was two years previously. She said that like the mime, _Hands_ she was saying that she didn't need God. But later she realised that all she had to do was turn around and walk back, across the bridge who is Jesus in order to reach God. She said that we are the ones who have turned away from Jesus and need to turn back to Him. It was a very simple message but it was excellent and very inspiring.

We also had a meeting back at Biburg to start up a new prayer group for young people. But two really strange things happened. Firstly only guys turned up and they didn't even go to church anymore. They have been invited by their friends who didn't even show up themselves!

After we performed Hands one of the young men, Sebastian told me that he enjoyed the music and the way the movement slowed exactly in time with the music. I knew that God wanted to bring these young men closer to Himself and His love. I'm sure that we gave them something to think about and planted some seeds of faith that God could continue to water by bringing other people into their lives to encourage and help them to grow in their faith.

We tried to keep in touch with these youth and one of them, Andreas actually turned up at St Peters for the Thursday night prayer meeting. During this meeting Mark preached on evangelisation, that every question is called to share their faith.

As this prayer group was charismatic there was the raising of hands by about half the people. It's similar to a rock concert when people raise their hands and wave them in the air at the performer. However the difference for Christians is that they are waving them in honour of God and worshipping God. I see it in two ways: when hands are raised halfway and palms horizontal it is like the person wants to mainly receive; and when the hand or hands are raised high (like a high-five) and palms are vertical it is more like a person mainly wants to praise God and give Him glory and honour.

I was very worried about how Andreas would be taking this so I asked them if he was a bit freaked out I seeing people raising their hands in the air. He replied excitedly, "It's the first time I've ever seen people worshipping like this! I've got a lot to tell the other guys about tonight!"

Another big surprise on the outreach was when we went to a retreat centre called St Paulus. We thought that the group would be young guys and girls. Ingrid had even prepared her testimony with this in mind and so had no idea what was really in store for her.

Upon entering the room we only found one young woman there with the rest being big burly farming men aged about 19 to 30 years old. You can imagine Ingrid's reaction; she was completely shocked and horrified.

We will also very anxious because we had to perform, _Treasure. These guys are such dudes and we are going to perform a clowning mime. They will probably think we are idiots!_

After our mime Tony shared who our treasure should be, about personal prayer times and getting spiritual strength every day.

Ingrid was brilliant in modifying her testimony for the occasion. I'm sure being a country bumpkin (farm girl) helped her feel more at ease amongst these burly men. As Ingrid was still talking I did a Clarke Kent job, removing my makeup and changing into a cooler looking shirt and jeans. But Clarke Kent couldn't have looked as good as me, lol.

Afterwards we had a snack with the guys. Then the cameras came out and they formed a human pyramid. I volunteered to go on the top of about 15 to 20 farmers. My second attempt at trying to reach the top resulted in many sore backs and the pyramid collapsing from under me, but it was great fun!

We formed a chain linking arms and we threw the only girl high up in the air. It's okay she laughed and laughed. The next victim was the young tea lady. Then one of the guys ran and jumped into the group and was also tossed, caught, tossed and caught.

As the next volunteer I ran towards them and with a flying leap and landed in the linked arms. My heart was pounding as they threw me really high. If they had thrown me any higher I would have landed back in New Zealand. I was so scared since I'm afraid of heights, but it sure was fun!

These men were open to the message that we had to share at this religious retreat and I know that a few hearts were touched.

KLUNK! The door behind me closed securely. There was no going back now. I was in prison. I was in prison for what some people would call a crime, wanting to share my faith.

Don't forget the Early Questions were also persecuted and thrown into jail for their faith. I too was on a mission from God, but I would only remain in prison if they threw away the key.

After meeting the chaplain and showing a security guard our passports we were allowed into the prison. There was one guard accompanying us who had a large bunch of gigantic keys on a key ring. I smiled to myself thinking of those old movies where the prison guard which use chute keys to unlock cell doors.

Our journey through the prison led us through many doors where the guard unlocked, opened let us through and then locked the doors behind us. Finally we found ourselves in a huge room which was actually a church. The set out made it look more like a university lecture room or a Roman amphitheatre.

While we were applying our make up three women prisoners came in and helped prepare the altar for Mass. _They must be the altar servers._ Then a door from one side of the church opened in about 40 women suddenly poured into the church. I was trying not to judge them as here I was an ex-policeman's son and face-to-face with women convicted of violent crimes.

We performed _Hands_ and in the middle of the main about seven men entered the room from another door. They sat at the opposite side of the church as the women. They were loafing around a bit, eyeing the woman and some watched the pantomime with interest.

After the mime one of our group shared their testimony including how they had been physically abused and sharing how through Jesus this person came to forgive.

After Mass we followed the chaplain through many more locked doors until we finally came into smaller room where we were met by 12 women prisoners. They were the only ones wanting to talk to us. I was waiting and hoping that the men would join us, but I guess either they didn't want to or they couldn't mix with the women.

"What did you think of the mine?" Sasha asked the women. One of the women asked us in reply, "why do you have to wear make up? Those masks are too harsh! It made me freeze!" As a result the conversation turned to masks. We discussed that we all have masks to hide our true feelings. These women felt they had to wear masks because of the environment they were in. It was such a relief leaving the prison. We could taste freedom once again! I was experiencing a strange feeling while being shut in prison; I had felt trapped!
CHAPTER 23

BUDENHEIM TO MEINZ

From Augsburg we travelled to Budenheim to be part of a retreat. But upon arrival we learnt that the parish we were staying in was somewhat suspicious that we were part of a cult. So that weekend we lead a retreat together with some members of the local parish.

At the first evening Mass we were seated up around the priest, Father Pivack. While we were performing mine to the song, _Take my ceiling to the nations_ I saw one young woman leaning forward in a seat with the hand resting against her chin looking intensely. After mass I approached her. She introduced herself as Sabrina and I learned she was going to join us in the retreat. _Great! There are going to be some young people at the retreat too!_

Then in us men split up from the women and went with our host families to their homes. So asked for me and stayed with a middle-aged man, Willy together with his mother. It was wonderful to finish the day talking about our experiences over hot chocolate.

After waking up the following day I was delighted to have my first experience of a German traditional breakfast of toasted buns together with him, cheese and hot chocolate.

At the retreat Sasha gave a talk on life-giving water which was very similar to the talk she gave in Augsburg. Then we performed _Take my healing to the nations._ I had the main role as Jesus. The main chorus of the song is:

"Take my healing to the nations

bind their broken hearts with love

stretch my hands throughout creation

with this message of my great love.

That I came to bring light in the darkness

to bring joy were there once was pain

take my healing to the nations

with this message of my love."

The first time we had performed this mine was in Augsburg where I had seen a young woman in the front row with tears in her eyes. Once again God touched the hearts of those who were watching at this retreat in Budenheim.

Mairi gave a great teaching on the Father-heart of God. Again I saw God speaking to people through this teaching and at latest one woman was crying.

I became friends with Sabrina and another young woman, Ruth. Because of my self-rejection ways and thought patterns, when someone else was talking to another person and I couldn't think of anything to say then I felt left out and rejected. Therefore jealousy and depression would fall on me like a ton of bricks squashing me.

So when Tony was speaking to Ruth and I didn't have anything to include in the conversation I felt left out. Once I started to fall into the pattern of depression or to press of thinking then it was really hard to get out of it.

On our final day in Budenheim we were really encouraged by the parishioners. Ruth's father thanked us and also thanked Father Pivack for inviting us. Father who really appreciated that we came, shared that he really enjoyed us being there and said he wanted us to return.

"Danke fur gut essen... (Thank you for good food)" I said as I tried out my German and my humour. Then I continued my final and spontaneous speech in a more serious manner, "... for your hospitality, encouragement and most of all your love".

When I fare welled Father Pivack he said something very surprising to me, "Our parish needs people like you." This really touched my heart.

It was tremendous to see the transformation in Father Pivack over such a short period of time. I witnessed that by the end of our time there he was sharing openly, smiling and laughing freely in comparison to being more quiet and reserved when we first met him.

We travelled to Mainz which is located near Frankfurt. Our home for this final week would be in a university. I was greatly surprised that when entering a room I was met by a sign of welcome that God had in store for me. On a table in the room was a huge poster, of which along the top were the words "NEW ZEALAND". _Wow! This is my beloved country!_ The poster consisted of a beautiful photo of Cape Reinga which is the very tip of New Zealand. Included in the photo was the Cape Reinga lighthouse and the signs which point in different directions with the following places and distances to: Vancouver, New York, Frankfurt, Sydney, etc. at this university I met my call from South Africa who was a political refugee from Eritrea which was invaded by Ethiopia. Michael arrived in Germany when he was only 16. Because he was underage the government supported him and he studied at a German school, living with a German family.

"What do you think about God?" I asked Michael.

"It's hard for me to talk about this." He replied. I nodded in sympathy. "I'm Catholic and I've been raised as one since birth. I've had times of doubting... [that's so normal] ... because of the poorness of my country. It seems like God doesn't care!"

I shared my testimony with Michael and said, "God has given man free-will to be able to choose. Man can either save or destroy life." Then I asked him, "Do you believe in Satan?" I was trying to show him that all the bad stuff in the world is not God's fault. Michael shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't know.

"I do; I believe that Satan is a tempter, that he tempts us to focus just on ourselves thus being selfish. It's similar to what he did to Adam and Eve when he lied that they would become like God. Satan tries to lie to us, to tell us that God doesn't care about us. I believe that Jesus died for you and for everyone in the whole world – black or white. I don't believe that with all the pain and suffering that He went through, that He doesn't care."

While I was getting ready for bed at the university I heard someone trying to open the door. Was it a burglar? No, it was one of the guys living here. "Hi, I'm Oliver!" he introduced himself.

"Hi, my name is Brendan and I'm from New Zealand" I replied.

"New Zealand!!" Oliver exclaimed with a complete look of surprise on his face. "I've just been to an excellent 600 slide presentation on New Zealand presented by the author of that poster!" He pointed to the poster and exclaimed to my delight, "New Zealand is so beautiful!!" I couldn't disagree with him there.

The next day we went to the weekday Mass. Afterwards we met the local priest, Father Greggor. We were so surprised because he looked so young. We guessed that he must be in his early 30's. We were delighted when he invited us for breakfast.

"Why did you become a priest?" Mark asked.

"I used to be quite a rebel and I was also really into parties. But I was searching for something. No matter where I searched I couldn't find it. I was studying agriculture and the only place I could work as a specialist was in a Monastery. I read books about God for two hours in the morning and then in the afternoon I would dwell on what I had read. From these books I began to understand more about who God is and to experience God. A priest at the monastery challenged me to think of becoming a priest. I actually thought nothing of it until later. Then I felt God calling me and decided to enter the Seminary."

I found his testimony fascinating and inspiring.

Returning to the university Oliver asked me how Mass was. I shared about the morning, meeting Father Greggor and what he told us about himself.

"What does it mean to experience God?" Oliver asked.

"When Father Greggor read those books and thought about what he read and then began to believe what he read he was able to experience God."

I shared with Oliver my own testimony and told him how we come to experience God through praying (talking to God).

"I'm a bit confused about why we need to pray." Oliver stated.

"We need to tell God our problems, because it helps us deal with them. We also need to keep God as the center of our lives and not focus on just ourselves. We can talk to God as a friend, like I'm talking to you now."

A look of understanding formed on his face.

God had more surprises for me on this outreach. We were invited for dinner with a family of one of the leaders of a local prayer group. The highlight for me was meeting her son, Martin. This young guy had long bright orange hair and a fringe that totally hid his face. He entered the room and sat next to me at the table. I befriended him by introducing myself and asking him what his hobbies were. He explained that his main hobby was music and that he played both the violin and the guitar.

Do you have Youth Masses around here I asked him. He replied that they did. I said "At home in New Zealand we have a band in ours with guitars, keyboard and drums. We have a Youth Mass once every two or three months."

"I played the guitar in the Church about two years ago. But I've now left the Church" Martin said.

"Did you leave the Church because it was boring you, or because of faith?" Segrid joined in.

"I believe that we create our own gods from around us. We don't need an institution or Church. We can create our own gods."

"No, no! It's not true!" Segrid exclaimed passionately, "I've experience darkness in my life and I've experienced Jesus. Jesus is the answer! He is the truth!"

I could see that Segrid was speaking to Martin's heart as well as his mind; he was grasping what she said and it was touching his heart. But then suddenly two others on our team joined in. I saw that they were distracting Martin from the line of thought that Segrid was taking. She was more to the point and speaking on what he could relate to.

"Segrid" I said and nodded to encourage her to continue speaking. Then the talk took on a deeper level as Martin declared, "I believe that hatred and love go together!" After dropping that on us, he continued, "You need to look after yourself and care only for yourself!" Martin was only speaking a half truth as we are called to love ourselves and others. Then he continued even deeper by asking, "What is truth? What is real?"

I encouraged him to try and put his hand over one of the candles in the room to see what is real, but he wouldn't. He stated that others could do it but he wouldn't. He stated that others could do it but he wouldn't. Then I had the idea of saying something that would hit closer to home. I said, "You say that you don't care right?" He nodded in reply.

"...Even for your own family. But if someone close to you dies you will still feel the pain and hurt even though you said that you didn't care."

Because we were pushed for time, sadly we had to finish our conversation by telling Martin it was his choice. Shaking his hand in farewell I said, "Think over what we have said." He said he would do so. Then I said, "Pray to God for help. I'm sure He will!"

Thinking about all these people we shared with, I trust God that from all those seeds we planted, He will use just one thing we have said and our prayers to bring a person back to Him so they can begin to know and experience His love. 
CHAPTER 24

REUNION TO REMINISCE

"Everyone is saying, 'Where's Brendan!'" Patricia said with a beautiful smile after I greeted her with a big hug upon returning to Allerheiligen. I was really and touched and encouraged by such a statement. So I ran across to the Big House and entered the dining room where I was confronted by so many welcoming smiles and was swamped by hugs of welcome.

"How was the outreach?" I was asked.

"It was great! God used me to touch many hearts! We went to an American Army Base! The whole outreach was really great, but I missed you!" I replied. God was teaching me how to express myself from my heart.

There were specific people that I met again that were significant for me. They were my closer friends and had a special place in my heart in which it really felt like an awesome reunion. It was so heart warming to be back together and share with one another our personal experiences as well as the highlights of our outreaches.

"I missed you! It was a great outreach. I really felt compassion and God's love while praying for people. God really used me to touch a young woman's life" one person shared with me.

Once again worshipping the Lord together was fantastic. We praised God for what He had done in our lives and how He used us to many hearts. Then we had a time as one big group to share about our experiences. One person shared, "I was driving and had a very strong impression that God was telling me to move across into the other line. After changing lanes a vehicle went straight through the spot I had been a couple of seconds earlier. We avoided a serious head-on collision!"

Singing a song with the lyrics "Here we are gathered as a family" was really special because like a family we were back together. We held hands during this song and I marvelled at how God brought us back together.

Someone shared, "I was praying for a woman who had arthritis and there was such an incredible change that came over her. She suddenly became really joyful! She told me that the pain had left her!"

Christoph Krude, my big German friend was kind of enough to lend me a really nice jersey (jumper/cardigan). It looked really great on me. To thank him for his generosity I decided to do a good deed by washing it and returning it to his room. So I threw it in the washing machine with my other clothes and kept the temperature low, at approximately 20 – 30oC. I was so pleased with myself after returning it to his room.

"Did you wash this in the washing machine?" Christoph asked me. In his hands was what looked like a small child's jersey. Before my disbelieving and startled eyes I gazed dumbfounded at his previously large jersey. Mario Borg was also present at this moment of revelation and cracked up laughing. Before long it was so contagious that we were all laughing at the situation.

The days inched closer for the date of my return flight to New Zealand. I became very anxious. It was so hard to kiss this flight goodbye. My reminiscing turned from what God had done to provide for me to say to thinking: _Have I done the right thing? Have I made the right choice?_

God made it easier for me by providing a sponsor for me to stay in Germany. Someone really astounded me by offering to sponsor me for one whole year. This is just like the scripture that I mentioned at the end of Chapter 20: "To announce a year of favour from the Lord." I heart was fully of great joy and gratitude to God and to my sponsor as the whole of my Staff Formation Year fee would be covered as well as an additional 60DM a week for pocket money and other expenses. This person asked for confidentiality.

"It's very hard for me to accept handouts" I told my sponsor. I was so surprised at the response: "But I see you as an investment!" I had no rebuttal to that as I was deeply touched by her statement. "Thanks" was all I could say.

My parents weren't at home at this time as they were on holiday in the South Island of New Zealand. I believe this was definitely God's timing as it would have been very possible that I would have decided to return home. It would have been extremely difficult to have said to Mum or Dad, "I'm not coming home." But really only God knows what I would have done.

I was facing two seemingly unsurmountable obstacles. One was money and the other was that I didn't know if I would be granted a Resident Permit (a visa) to stay in Germany. My situation was critical; I had to decide whether to wait for a visa which might be or might not be granted and have my plane ticket expire or decide to stay and forfeit my plane ticket home. To my utmost horror and anguish I was told that the boss was unavailable. I was absolutely crushed! The obstacle had morphed into a huge mountain. I needed God's help as this was obviously too big for me to conquer alone!

I went straight to the chapel to pray. I couldn't do much crying aloud to God as Helen, Rachel and Klemens were already in the chapel.

Helen was writing in her prayer diary so I didn't want to disturb her. Instead silently I cried out to God asking for His help. When Helen had finished writing I asked the others, "can you guys pray for me as I am faced with having to risk my plane ticket to stay here?" Just as I finished tears began streaming down my face.

They were very compassionate and immediately began to surround me and pray for me. I felt very strongly to pray, "Lord I believe that you want me to stand against the world's ideas and thinking. You have done so much for me already. I will trust in you."

As we were praying Rach began to speak a word of prophecy, "do not be afraid". Then Klemens said that he had a picture of a key ring with a key on it. . I had no idea what that could represent, but God spoke through the others. Rach shared that she had the impression that God's love goes on and on and like a ring it never ends.

Then Klemens shared his interpretation, "God is giving you the key and you can use it to open and unlock doors. " This encouraged me immensely and I hug them all with gratitude for their encouragement and compassion. I felt these prophecies were telling me to hang in the and thus confirming my decision to stay.

That night while dialling home my brother answered. I said to him, I'm definitely staying here. I'm not coming home. Hello! ... Hello! ... Are you there?" Only dead silence greeted me from the other side of the world.

"Do you need any money?" My brother asked.

"No, I am okay!" I replied. Once again it was so hard to accept handouts, but I did regret saying no so quickly.

"Send me a video will you?" my brother asked.

"Okay, I got a go now, my money is running out! Take care!" BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, CLICK.

The next day I received some very interesting indirect mail through Mark Dol. Sarah Haybittle, one of my Confirmation Sponsors had written to him and to my surprise also included a letter for me. Sarah finished the letter with, "bless you Brendan. Mighty man of God... I am praying for you. God has wonderful things in store for you! Isaiah 42:1-9"

Looking up the Scripture in my Bible I was in for a big surprise:

"here is my servant whom I uphold,

my chosen one in whom my soul delights

I have endowed him with my spirit

that he may bring true justice to the nations...

I Yahweh have called you to serve the cause of right;

I have taken you by the hand

I have appointed you as covenant of the people

and light of the nations

to open the eyes of the blind

to free captives from prison,

and those who live in darkness from the dungeon...

See how former predictions have come true

Fresh things I now foretell;

before they appear I tell you of them."

This was really incredible because Sarah would not have known that I had decided to stay in Germany. God was confirming His will for me through this Scripture. How awesome is our God! God wanted to use me to be His light, to open the eyes of the spiritually blind and to set free those captives who are bound by fear such as self-rejection.

Saying goodbye to those who are not staying for the staff formation year was extremely difficult. One example was when Gisele came to me crying when she was saying goodbye.

"I can't cry!" I told her even though I wish that I could flick the switch so that the tears would flow freely.

"I am glad. If you were crying then it would be worse!" She said with tears in her eyes as she hugged me.

As I hugged my roommate, Thomas from Kenya I thought, _I'll probably never see him again!_

"It's so sad to leave everyone. You're all very dear to me. We're going to make more friends when we leave. But remember you're all special friends because we have grown so much together." Maryanne said during a party in Marlo's room.

"I'll never forget you!" Caroline said to me. This touched my heart because Caroline and her husband Jeremy really encouraged me. It was so hard to say goodbye because it felt like they took a small piece of my heart with them. I gave Jeremy a big bear hug; I didn't want him to leave. They both had been such great instruments of God's love to help bring healing to me.

It was also difficult to say goodbye to Steve, my Irish roommate. He had been a great encourager to me and we had drawn closer as friends compared to the beginning of the school.

Christoph Krude, the generous jersey lender invited me to his home to stay during our holidays. It worked out perfectly because I had also been planning to visit Augsburg for Ed's Confirmation and that I would love to stay for a little while with him.

Christoph's home was in Wertheim, a peaceful country village near Wurtzburg. First I met his parents who were extremely friendly and hospitable. We also travelled to the ruins of a nearby castle. I stood there contemplating its possible history. _Men have probably died on the very spot that I'm standing on._ That thought aside it was fun to explore the castle and to have my photo taken standing on the castle walls.

I rang Ed to tell him of my travel plans to Augsburg. Christoph showed me another huge castle in Wurtzburg. Besides the building towering above us, the most amazing sight was an awesome statue in one of the archways above one of the gates. The statue was St Michael holding a lance in one hand and under his foot was Satan being crushed and powerless.

Christoph was very generous and shouted (New Zealand term meaning he paid for me) my train fare to Augsburg. I was really going to miss him; I gave him a big hug goodbye. Even though it was difficult saying goodbye I knew that I would see him again.

Arriving in Augsburg and getting off the train there was no Ed to be seen. I called his office from a payphone to see what the story was, "Hello. Is Ed there please?"

"No I'm sorry he's not here" came the heavily accented American voice.

"Can you leave a message for him and tell him that Brendan Roberts is at the train station please?" I asked.

My next option in finding help or even a place to stay for the night was calling the Biburg PTL Community. As I was in the middle of looking up their number in the phone book I heard a voice behind me say, "Hi Brendan!" Turning around I saw Ed grinning, dressed in his army fatigues with a shaven head. I gave him a big bear hug.

We stopped at Burger King for a bite to eat. This was my first experience of Burger King as it had not even been heard of in New Zealand. As it was Good Friday we both had a fish sandwich. As Catholics we don't eat meat on Ash Wednesday or Good Friday. It's a kind of fast or sacrifice by denying something that we enjoy.

We went together to the Good Friday Mass. It's called Good Friday because Jesus died for us to restore us to His Father, because in the beginning mankind rebelled against God and tried to kick him off His throne.

After Mass we walked to Ed's barracks. I was in for a delightful surprise – it began snowing. After over ten minutes we arrive at the gate entering the compound. Ed signed me in as his guest. I handed in my passport and received a pass in return.

We ate some good ol' American food – Hickory Smoked Beef Jerky and then watched an exciting movie, The Abyss. Then we walked over to the gym where I had the opportunity to shoot some hoops. My basketball skills weren't too bad if I do say so myself.

The following day I sampled Frosted Wheaties for the first time. They were delicious. Then Ed and I walked to them main gate of his Kaserne but this time I was in for a more startling surprise.

"I'm sorry you're passport is not here" the solider on duty said. _What!_ "For security reasons it is with Sergeant ... If you wait here you'll be taken to the Sear gent!" _Oh no! I'm going to get in serious trouble, real hot water!_

Sure enough the soldier was true to his word and an army van arrived to pick us up. We were taken to the building with the sign outside, "DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE".

The soldier on duty asked me, "What is your name?"

"Brendan Roberts."

"Your date of birth? Where were you born?" he questioned me. The sergeant was probably wanting to establish whether he had the correct passport to return to me as well as the right man requesting it. Security was still very tight as the tensions between the USA and Iraq were still very intense.

My face began to flush bright red as the dialogue with my first brush with the US military authorities continued, "You are not to stay all night in the barracks again. You must hand in your passport whenever you leave the gate. Have a nice day."

I sighed with relief. _Did I him right when he wished me a nice day? I really expected to get a grilling, to be chewed to bits and then would be kicked off the base and told never to return._

"Thank you too sergeant!" I said.

Ed and I walked to the "House of Excellence" section where we were guests of a Baptist Pastor who was also a Colonel in the army. Since his wife his Korean we were able to enjoy a delicious stir-fry lunch. Father Bykowsky was also there and so we had a lot of laughs. Then three hours later Ed and I made our way to the Church to prepare for the Easter Vigil Mass which is celebrated on the Saturday before Easter Sunday. This was part of Ed's job because he was the Chaplain's Assistant.

At 7pm at the beginning of the Easter Vigil Mass we were all given a candle to symbolise Christ's light in the world. I was on a mission from God as I was Ed's photographer during this Mass where Ed would become Catholic. I knew two other people that were also being baptised or received into the Church through Confirmation: Chris and of course Ed. Since Ed had already been baptised in the Assemblies of God Church the Catholic Church recognised his baptism as valid. Since he couldn't be baptised twice he would be received into the Church through the Sacrament of Confirmation.

There were a few children and adults being baptised during this Mass. Their ages ranged from babies to over eight year old children. When it came to baptise Chris Father Bykowski prayed, "Chris you have become a new creation and have clothed yourself in Christ. Receive ..." Then Father gave the newly baptised a lighted candle to represent the light of Christ which was now dwelling in their hearts. Father also prayed:

"Let us pray, dear friends

to God the all-powerful Father

that he will pour out the Holy Spirit

on the newly baptised,

to strengthen him (her) with his abundant gifts

and anoint him (her) to be more like Christ his son.

I saw that it was time for the Confirmation Candidates to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation so I moved to the other side of the Church to take photos. One really great photo that I captured was when Father was praying over Ed, "Be sealed with the gift of the Holy Spirit."

As we headed back to our seats I gave Ed a congratulatory pat on the back. Father Bykowsky delivered a very inspiring sermon in which he said, "Christ is risen and we are risen with Him!"

The parish newsletter was also very inspiring. It said: "The resurrection of Jesus is only one part of the paschal (death, resurrection and glorification of Christ) picture, only one side of the Easter experience. The other aspect of this Easter celebration is – would you believe? – our resurrection, our rising! ... The excitement, the exuberance, the ecstasy of Easter are all connected with the twofold feature of this celebration, Jesus is risen. And so are we. St Paul is totally convinced. That is what it means to be baptised. We have gone down into the water of baptism and died with Jesus. We have come out of the water of baptism and live with Jesus. The risen Jesus."

Normally at the Sign of Peace we shake hands with those people nearest us. But with close friends I hug them. So I walked over to Ed, embraced him and congratulated both him and Chris.

After Mass had concluded we were leaving the church and with a huge smile on his face Ed said ecstatically, "I'm a Catholic! I'm a Catholic!"

"Welcome my Catholic brother!" I replied smiling!

We had a supper in the Junior Gym. I was delighted to have my first taste of the Louisiana mud pie which I found absolutely delicious! Afterwards Ed and I returned to the chapel so he could complete his duties, cleaning the chapel. While he vacuumed up the left-over wax which had dripped from the candles I lay down on my back of one of the pews. Then before I knew it I was asleep ...snore....snore....SNORRRRRE!

The next day we prepared the Church again, this time for the Sunday Mass.

At the end of Mass Father Bykowsky blessed the children and their Easter baskets which they brought up to the front. It was like a game for the kids as they ran up to the front and then quickly darted to one side trying to escape Father's hand, but Father was quick even touching those on the head who had just managed to turn and run. They kids laughed with delight.

After Mass I fare welled father Bykowsky as he was due to leave the following day back to Alabama, USA. Then at a barbecue after the Mass I was introduced to a "friendly" American custom, so I was told. Ed and Sister Geri were innocently standing talking to someone when CRACK, their heads were suddenly adorned in rays of colour with the splattering of confetti and white eggs shells. I delighted in my surprise attack!

The inside story is that these were hollow eggs. Inside there was no yoke (no joke, lol) but coloured confetti. Here I was thinking that this was a big joke (no yoke, lol) and I was practically laughing my head off, when ... CRACK! Then someone said to me, "I couldn't let you get away?" This American smiled at his act of justice. It sure was fun egging people and getting egged in return.

Markis gave my passport to Ed to mind while I was playing soccer, horse shoe throwing and other games. I asked Ed, "Can I have my passport back?"

"It's been shredded" he replied.

Not believing him, I put my hand into one of his jacket pockets and to surprise and delight I found something else. It was round and smooth. I wrapped my hand around my prize, pulled it out and brought it down suddenly onto Ed's head. CRACK!

"That egg was for you!" Ed moaned.

Sister Geri and Ed took me to the Train Station. I first queued up to purchase a train ticket. When I finally arrived at the counter, I struck difficulty purchasing it. I asked, "Can I have a ticket to Achern please?"

"Yes, via Cologne" was the reply.

"Nein! Nein!" I replied as the memories of my first train travel in Germany came flooding back haunting me! There was no way that I would let them send me up to Aachen again. I said, "Achern in Swartzwald (Achern in Black Forest). A, C, H, E, R, N."

The problem was thus solved and I was issued a ticket to Achern. To make matters worse I was told that the train was leaving in only two minutes time. Grabbing my luggage we ran to the correct platform, but I was too late as the train had started to pull away.

Returning to the counter I wiped the sweat off my brow, cancelled my ticket and bought another one to Achern. The ticket lady told me that the train would not be stopping in Achern as normal and so I would have to get off in Offenburg. I rang Allerheiligen but was told that they couldn't pick me up from Offernburg.

_Oh no!_ I was really worried! Searching my pockets I realised I'd actually done the unthinkable. I turned to Ed in desperation, "I've lost my train ticket! I can't find it anywhere!"

"Check the phone boxes. You might have left it in one of them." I ran back frantically to each of the three phone booths that I'd used but there was no ticket in any of them.

"God, help me find it, PLEASE!" __ I cried out in my heart.

I returned to the counter to see if I could have another ticket printed, but the lady said there was nothing that she could do.

This has to be one of my worst days! First I missed the train while trying to find the cheapest route, and now losing my ticket!

Just as we were discussing what to do, a ticket official approached me and asked, "Are you Brendan Roberts?" He read about my name on the ticket. I must have left it on the counter. I was overjoyed and thanked God for answering my prayer so quickly!

"Can I cash it in?" I asked desperately!

"No! No! NO! DON'T!" Markis and Ed screamed in protest! Ed actually looked like he would tear out the little hair that he had left, lol. But I was so wrong; soon Ed was in fits of laughter. He said, "This has been one of the funniest days that I've had for a long time! Can I cash it in? 'No!'" Ed recounted as we drove to Biburg where I had arranged to stay the night. As I was teased my face flushed bright red! I was so embarrassed and yet so relieved that I had found my ticket. Ed would in fact continue to remind me of the episode often in the future when I went to visit him, lol.

I learnt many other concepts during the next seventeen months with ICPE. Many of these will be covered in the next few chapters, including questions that a lot of us ask ourselves about life. But don't worry, there will be a sequel or two to cover more in depth what I learned and experienced. They will also cover my trips to England, Russia and Romania. 
CHAPTER 25

OVERCOMING SELF-REJECTION

As a result of my experience of High School, with people making me believe what I wasn't such as a failure and useless, I developed a very low self-esteem. I came to hate myself, and thus I rejected myself.

Yes I asked such questions as, "Who am I? Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Is there hope? Is there a future for me?" But the answers did not come to me immediately. It actually took time for me to break out of the tentacle-like snares of self-rejection; it was a process. Our youth group was a starting point but only a drop in a vast ocean. The biggest factor was in fact ICPE. You may be wondering why that was so. Those with ICPE accepted me for whom I was, openly showing love to me whether it was simply through a smile, a hug, or taking the time to talk or encourage me. They saw the first changes of me opening up even before I did. They told me seeing me changing and this really surprised me. This encouragement helped to continue to be open and gave me the impetus and inspiration to do so; God was able to continue to work in me as I kept focusing so much on God every day. Because I kept focus on God it was lot easier for Him to work on my hard and broken heart.

It sure wasn't all plain sailing as there were times when those of us in ICPE had fights and times that I felt rejected. But why did I feel rejected you may ask. Because it was all in the way I thought I had been thinking only one way all this time, that is negatively, and so my mind needed to be reprogrammed.

If someone didn't talk to me then subconsciously I thought that they didn't like me. So if someone didn't sit right next to me I thought they didn't like me. Also if a guy talked to a girl while I was talking to her and stole the conversation then I would feel rejected, especially if I didn't have anything to say. Then jealousy and depression would sweep over me. Some of my thought processes and reactions were:

* Feeling sorry for myself and thinking, "they don't care" or "they are only acting" helped depression to rule me.

* When I feel hurt at a battle rages on inside me and I would feel like running.

* I would actually give someone a cold shoulder, and snob them when I felt hurt as a way of testing them to see if they would make any effort to see  what was wrong and to see if they really cared.

* While snubbing the person I would actually think, __ "To hell with them" or "they are not worth it". Then it would take a while to talk to that person  and to forgive each other.

Depression is like being in a pit of slime and in complete darkness; the darkness allows one to not be seen, to be hidden, but not available for rescue. The darkness becomes familiar and becomes one's home. While the slime at first it feels horrible and freaky but then becomes warm and bearable even though it takes away most forms of movement.

Depression is also like being trapped in quicksand. When watching such movies we think, "Don't move. Don't panic or you will sink faster!" or "Throw her a branch and hold on tight!" I believe that we need to turn to others for help when we are depressed. If you're trapped in quicksand you need to alert someone to the danger you are in by calling for help. Also to grab hold of the branch or someone's hand we need to reach out and accept that help. It's the same with depression or self-rejection; it can be dangerous. We need to go to someone we can trust and share our problems with them, someone who is willing to listen. So don't be afraid to go to someone who's experienced, such as a priest, a pastor or a counsellor.

If we can't snap out of our depressive way of thinking then we'll sink more into depression and think more negative thoughts such as, "there's no hope!" When one falls into the trap of having no hope they fall into despair. Depression or self-rejection is a vicious cycle in which one may think, "I'm no good" or "I'm useless!" This cycle lacks hope. The more we sink into self-pity the less likely we are to reach out for help because we want someone to reach out to us. But if we don't call for help clearly then who's going to help us? After only focusing on poor old me thoughts of suicide may come more often. But suicide is not the answer. It's a cop out, an escape from reality. We need to face our problems not hide or run away from them. Suicide is a form of running away from our problems. We try to seek the easiest way out, instead of you winning the depression or your problems win. Jesus was faced with the biggest problem we might imagine. He was denied by His best friend, betrayed by another, and most ran away when He needed them the most. Moreover He had to face ridicule, spit, whips, nails and utter humiliation of being sentenced to death as a criminal on a Cross although He was completely innocent. He was afraid because of His human nature, but said to God, "Father if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet not as I will but as you will." Matthew 26:39. Instead of running Jesus faced His problems and sought God's will. Suicide is not God's will. Jesus chose to the take the cup of suffering, the sins of the world.

Judas chose suicide because He did not believe that Jesus would forgive him. Judas ran from his problems rather than seeking forgiveness from Christ. He fell into despair by losing all hope. In contrast St Peter did not seek the easy way out, but He chose to continue living in this world. It's possible the thoughts of suicide may have gone through Peter's mind. We know that he wept bitterly and yet he did not take any action to take his own life. It's also clear that when confronted by Jesus and asked "Do you love me?" three times Peter was upset to be asked more than once. Also don't forget that for the Jew life was a gift from God and only God had any right to take a life. So if a Jew took his life he was in fact rejecting God.

Depressions came and went for me. So overcoming both self-rejection and depression did not happen overnight; it took time and much hard work, but I tell you what, it sure was worth it! I believe there are several ways to overcome depression, which include:

* Cry out to God, "Help me!"

* Share your problems with God; He understands.

* Share your problems with someone who is willing to listen.

* Take up a new hobby.

* Set yourself a realistic goal/vision. Ask God to give you one; ask God what your purpose is in life.

* Put your time into achieving this goal.

* Do not spend too much time on your own. Moping or feeling sorry for yourself does not help!

* Join a group of people who will accept you for who you are and won't use you. To be on the safe side I'd recommend that you join a Christian youth/prayer group until you're ready to relate to others better and their views.

* Through self-rejection we think we are worthless, so we need to feel like we are worth something. Stand in front of the mirror and thank God for how He created you. If you've got ears that you think are too large, thank God for them. If you think that your feet are too big, thank God for them. If there's anything about your body that you 'hate' then thank God and think about the person who doesn't have that body part or can't use that part.

* If you are living on your own and you know that you need to be with others then make arrangements to flat or board. Ask God to lead you to the right place.

* Take some away from the T.V. Take some time to BE, not to VEGETATE. This will explained more in Chapter 29.

* If the music you are listening to leaves you depressed, change that music.

* Don't believe negative stuff that others taunt you with. However if they are trying to help then listen to what they say and see if there is something you can change in your life to be a better Christian.

* Speak positive of yourself. Don't put yourself down!

* Rebuke Satan, because He wants you to be miserable and He doesn't want you to know God's love.

* If someone encourages you do not simply shrug it off. Accept what they say and thank them. It's very helpful to write down what they said as it will help you later when you are feeling down. If it relates to miserable thought then you know that thought of yours was a LIE! Someone may tell you that you're gifted in a particular area and yet you had thought you were not gifted at all. So your thought that you were not gifted and useless was a LIE! No one is useless! Also writing it down helps you believe it; and when at least two or three people tell you the same thing then you know that it is true!

* Encourage others when you see them doing something good, whether it is to do with their character, talents or someone offers to help you. This assists you to not just see people's faults but also helps you to see their good points, making your brain to think positively. Think of ways that you can be positive, for example, don't put others down or moan but look for Christ in them. Think positively because your brain loves to think negatively.

* Try and smile more. Sometimes it takes your decision to snap out of depression.

* If none of these suggestions help then you could go to a professional, for example visit your local priest or pastor, or go and seek help from a counsellor or doctor. The doctor should only be used if you suspect or know if your depression is medically related. 
CHAPTER 26

GOD'S MERCIFUL HEART

It would be ideal if you could read this chapter outside, such as in a park, on a beach, or even on a grassy hill or in the forest – wherever your favourite place is in nature. When you are in this setting stop, pause, take a deep breath, savour the freshness of the setting and gaze at the incredible beauty around you. This beauty includes the soothing the rolling of the waves or the delicateness of the little flower very near you. Just look at the beauty all around you. There are so many different colours; different shades of green, yellow, red and blue... Look at the different types of trees and foliage. Listen to the animals or birds around you. Look at the distinct shapes of the clouds above you. Look and listen to the nature that is before, entrusted to you.

How did this world come to be?

How did so many different animals and forms of life come to exist?

How did humans come into existence?

I'm going to try and explain here with my limited knowledge, what I think of evolution. When I try to follow what scientists say in this area I run into a brick wall. Now don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that the whole theory of evolution is incorrect. Evolution seems to say how we and the whole universe came to exist, but it doesn't cover why we came to exist. Many scientists say we came to exist by chance.

But how can something so complex, like a human being come into existence by chance? Staying on this point let's look at some parts of the human anatomy: the heart, our lungs, our brain, our muscles and our senses (seeing, tasting, smelling, feeling and hearing). These are all really amazing. I don't believe that we come to have all of these by chance. These vital parts of our body interact so perfectly with each other. Was this really by chance?

How is it that there are so many different life forms such as plant life, fish, mammals, animals, birds, insects, reptiles and humans? I'll tell you why. It's not by chance. There has to be a Supreme Being involved and we can call that Being, God. If we are honest with ourselves, this Supreme Being has to be more intelligent than us!

I don't know if you believe in the story of Adam and Eve, so sit back, relax and let me tell you a story.

Imagine that you are in a spectacular setting. In fact its beauty takes your breath away and lifts your heart up, pounding with gratitude to your Creator who gave this to you. Before your eyes is the most beautiful garden with a gorgeous stream with the most pure water you have ever tasted. The trees together with their fruit and the grape vines really bring out the abundance of the giver's provision. The fruit is large, ripe and succulent.

In the garden you can see a man and woman lying down. Since there is no one else around they are naked. They delight in their surroundings as well as in each other. They smile at each other as they see a fawn frolicking in the long grass.

Suddenly their delight melts away as the deer is startled by someone and runs away. The owner of the garden, who entrusted it to them approaches his two guests and tells them, "Feel free to eat from and enjoy any of the trees except only one. This one is the one in the middle of the garden." He points to a tree in the middle with rosy, shiny ripe fruit and ads, "Because it will indeed hurt you." The owner bids the lovers farewell and leaves them alone to each the garden and each other in privacy.

The moment the owner disappears from their sight they are interrupted by a stranger. After courteous greetings and small talk he says, "I overheard you two talking to the owner. Did I hear it right that he forbade you from eating of any of the trees here?"

"He said that we can have any fruit in this entire garden except from that one" the man explains.

"Yes, or else we would get hurt" the woman added.

"Ha, ha, ha!" the stranger slaps his side laughing at what he was told.

"What's so funny about that" they ask him?

"That he said you would get hurt. The truth is that if you eat that fruit then you will have as much power as him. You will no longer be subject to him. You will even be able to create your own world."

With his lies the stranger twisted the truth. They indeed would create their own world, one in which they would be separated from the owner, and one in which they would have to fight to do good rather than it coming so naturally to them. Their very hearts would be shattered as a result. Their hearts which had been so in tune with the owner, who had lavished his gifts on them, would be separated from their friend and giver of such fine gifts.

With lies the stranger convinced them to betray the owner and defying him first the woman took the fruit, tasted it and in turn gave to the man who also ate it.

It was same with humanity in the beginning. Man and woman thought they could become like God and have His power. They actually sought to kick God off His throne and so were the first anarchists. They thus threw the gift of God back into His face and rejected all the goodness that He had entrusted them with. Man and woman took from the forbidden tree, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. In coming to know evil humanity would now know sin and would choose to sin. Where there had been harmony between creation and humanity there would be disharmony and so humanity was separated from God's love.

God gave humanity complete freedom by giving them free-will which is the ability to make choices, and because of the Fall of Humanity, it would include making bad choices. Humanity believe in the words of a creature, a stranger over their most intimate and generous benefactor.

_But why did God turf them out of the garden?_ If he didn't do so then they would have taken from the tree of life and lived for ever in their state of sin (turning away from God and His law of love).

Humanity was separated from God's unconditional love. God still loved them, but they couldn't receive that unifying and healing love as before. God had thought up a brilliant plan: In His mercy He sent His one and only Son in the form of a man to die for us, an excruciating and shameful death, death on a Cross, so that He could crush the power of sin and restore us to His love.

_So why is there so much wickedness in the world? Why is there so much sin?_ Because humans have free-will. Without it we would be like robots not able to choose. But God allows us to choose to turn away from Him and go our own way whereby we are choosing to sin. __ My book God: Fact or Fiction? explores the problem of evil in much more depth.

What is required from us is a response, our willingness to change and say each day, "Jesus change me. Help me to be more like you. Help me to love others."

But we can't do it on our own. When we try to plod through life depending on our own strength we often fail miserably. But when we seek God's strength and power He picks us up, guides and helps us. Without God it is so much harder to forgive others when they hurt us. Sure, it's not easy but Jesus gives us the will and desire to forgive even when we're hurting like hell! He went through so much and could say while dying, "Father, forgive them..."

Sure we will fail as we are only human. But we have someone who will forgive us when we turn to Him and sincerely repent. Jesus will give us the strength to carry on. He is indeed merciful as He loves us so much and knows that we need His help.
CHAPTER 27

EMMANUEL – GOD IS WITH US

God has not left us on our own to live our lives to our own devices and detriment. He is truly with us:

"No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. I no longer call you slaves, because a slave does not know what his master is doing. I have called you friends, because I have told you everything I have heard from my Father. It was not you who chose me, but I who chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit that will remain, so that whatever you ask in my name he may give you. This I command you: love one another (John 15:13-17)."

Jesus is our friend, but we need to respond to His offering of friendship. This is not a "warm fuzzy" friendship. It's more like a friendship with a king. We are to keep in awe, to honour respect and yes to obey Him too:

"Whoever has my commandments and observes them is the one who loves me. And whoever loves me, will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and reveal myself to him (John 14:21).

God wants us to obey Him. Not because He's tyrannical but for our own sake. He knows us completely and knows what is best for us. For example, a mother of father says to their children when at the beach, "Don't go out too deep". They don't say this because they are mean but because the love their children and know their limits with swimming. They also know the dangers. Their command is done so through love.

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask for whatever you want and it will be done for you (John 15:7)."

This doesn't mean that you can just ask God for a million dollars and He will give it you. But it does mean that if we ask for something, not out of selfish gain, but out of love then God will give it to us according to His will. Remember He can answer, "Yes", "no" or "wait". But which of these is the hardest? For me the hardest one seems to be wait, because it tests my faith even more the longer I have to wait.

"As the Father loves me, so I also love you... I have told you this so that my joy might be in you and your joy might be complete. This is the commandment: love one another as I love you (John 15:9-11)."

_But what is love?_ "Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated [pride], it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails... So faith, hope and love remain, these three, but the greatest of these is love (1 Cor 13:1-13)."

"Be love it, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God. Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love. In this way the love of God as revealed to us: God sent His only Son into the world so that we might have life through him. And this is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as expiation [to pay the penalty] for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also must love one another... If we love one another, GOD REMAINS IN US, and his love is brought to perfection in us. This is how we know that we remain in him and he in us, that he has given us of his Spirit... Whoever acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God remains in him and he in God. We have come to know and to believe in the love God has for us.

God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in him... There is no fear and love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear as to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect and love."

We are not perfect _,_ but we can seek to be more perfect than we are now:

"We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, 'I love God' but hates his brother [including enemies as Jesus said 'love your enemies'] he is a liar; for whoever does not love a brother who he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. This is the commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother (1 John 4:7-21).

"Hang on a minute. This sounds great in theory, but it seems like it's way out of my reach. Light it's too high for me to retain" I hear you say.

Okay, so you can't do it on your own or in your own strength even though it's hard to admit. Well the boss knew that and sent us a helper, the Holy Spirit. When Jesus returned to His disciples after rising from the dead, He breezed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit. Whose sins you forgive are forgiven them, and whose sins you retain are retained (John 21:23)."

I believe that the Holy Spirit is part of Jesus, like heat is part of the sun, as is light and colour – three in one. The Holy Spirit can be our strength when we let Him. Therefore our response is needed; the more we respond in prayer the more the Holy Spirit can do in and through us.

"If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate [one who pleads the cause for another] to be with you always, the Spirit of truth which the world cannot accept, because it neither sees nor knows it. But you know it because it remains with you, and will be in you. I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you (John 14:15-18)."

Jesus offers us His Holy Spirit which we receive at baptism. But it can become like it gift which we have been given for Christmas and we put the gift away because it doesn't suit us at that moment. It is only later that the full workings and potential of the gift is discovered. It is very similar with the Holy Spirit, as we need to discover the potential of the Holy Spirit and how He can draw us closer to God's love.

_But how can I discover more of this potential of the Holy Spirit?_ In fact there are a number of ways which include:

* Ask your priest or pastor to pray for you to experience the Holy Spirit and that the love of God may begin to shine more and more from your life. If you are Catholic then ask your priest during the Sacrament of Reconciliation to pray for this. He can do this at the end of the sacrament when he lays his hands on your head.

* If you are not Catholic then ask your Minister to lay his hands on you and pray for you.

* Ask your prayer group to lay their hands on you and pray for you as above or how they are inspired to pray. Don't be afraid because Jesus Himself laid His hands on people when praying for them.

I believe that we need the strength and support of a prayer group. So if there is one in your area check it out. If there is not one then plan a Bible study or face study group among your peers and pray for each other.

_Why do we need God's love?_ God wants us to experience His love. It is through receiving His love that we can experience true joy. It is not an emotional high or a "Colgate Smile" (toothpaste TV advertisement), but in a deeper inner joy and peace. After receiving His love we can then also experience a Geordie and giving His love to others. It's not immediate like instant soup, but like you have read in this book it is a process of growth. I am not fully there yet, because for our entire life we learn more and grow more. Let's face it no one is perfect here on earth. Some come pretty close, like Mother Teresa. Therefore we can be a witness to the people we meet through our actions; we are our keyhole through which others may be looking at Christianity. But when one looks through the keyhole they can't see the entire picture. So by our own process of growth let's be a window so that they will see God's love more and therefore Him. In fact they will only see the absolute picture and know truth fully in heaven.

We could be that key or part of that key which will and enables someone to come to know God's love. The key to life is His love. So let's start with ourselves and ask God to change our heart, to fill us with His love and reveal more of who He is to us. 
CHAPTER 28

OUR WORLD & CHRISTIANITY

Now let's take what I'll call "World Views" and see how they correspond to or contradict with Christianity.

The world's way of thinking is that we love by being loved. In light of what I've just been saying that's not totally wrong. But, the world goes one step further – to principally fulfil one's need or desire. We all have needs that have to be fulfilled, like the need to be loved. But it is our attitude that can get us into trouble. An example that I'll use is sex. Now don't get me wrong, God created sex and He meant it to be for good.

"The Lord God said; 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for him" (Genesis 2:18)."

"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body [the closest word in our language to the Hebrew words is flesh – one flesh] (Genesis 2:24)."

But in our society, often sex is portrayed as fulfilling one's need or desire. But God created men and women to be united together through the act of sex. Furthermore God invented sex for the procreation of children. As the "Catechism of the Catholic Church" states "Children are the supreme gift of marriage."

But sex is treated so lightly now and society says if you want it do it, or even that you are so unusual if you do not. As a result many women or even men are treated as objects of pleasure. Why is this? I believe it is because society forces such a message (preaches to us daily on TV) that we need something such as sex and we have to fulfil it now! If we don't then that person is a nerd and is abnormal.

The word "virgin" has become a "dirty word"! How often do you see on TV anyone waiting until they are marred to have sex? That's right not very often.

It's not old fashioned to control oneself. It's called respecting the other person as well as respecting God's plan for sex. It's saying, "I value you so much that I'll love you for you are. Sure you've got a beautiful body that sends my head a spin and excites me, but I will not satisfy myself. I will wait because I love you and respect you."

Guys, how about using your brain and don't let the world dictate how you should feel or act. Sure advice can be good, but stop and think, "Is this really good? Is this God's will? What are the consequences of my action?"

I'm attracted to women. Now come on, I'm human and actually biologically set up the same as you. But I believe that a relationship should start by building up a friendship and not this instant sex stuff, such as meeting someone in bar and within a bar and within an hour they are in bed together. This is preached at us too often from many TV programs and movies.

Do you like others only for their anatomy or for their personality? As for me it is a combination of both but the clincher is the personality. If a woman has a gorgeous body but no personality then a relationship won't last long. If she has a faith centred on Christ then it is much more likely to last and much more attractive to me. Ultimately I want to be liked for who I am. I don't want to marry a gorgeous woman who is a snob and looks down on others. I want to marry a woman who is pretty but most of all cares and truly loves God and others.

So love is about giving of ourselves and also about saying "No!" when we know our actions may hurt someone. Marriages are not just built on sex. Sexual intercourse is not the finality of love; it is an expression of love. Communication is vital in marriage; yes listening to each other and sharing with each is crucial. It doesn't mean to exchange information like a news broadcast, but about sharing one's deepest feelings and being vulnerable to each other. A marriage without love or communication is virtually dead.

**"But what can I do? I've already had sex. I'm not a virgin"** you may ask. There is always hope! I'm talking about chastity which is one of the virtues. This means the virtue can be reclaimed. Chastity refers to both virgins and non-virgins – married or unmarried people. Being chaste means being virtuous. Yes, they seem like alien or strange words, but being virtuous means being faithful, including moral goodness and quality.

So if you have already had sex outside the covenant of marriage and you regret how it has affected your life and other people's lives and acknowledge that it is against God's will, then you can seek forgiveness right now and then if Catholic, attend the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

It's not too late to be chaste. Ask God to cleanse your mind and your soul. Start by practising to be chaste; when you see yourself being tempted then do something about the temptation, for example, if the temptation is on the T.V. then turn it off, turn away and leave – fight that temptation!

God's grace is greater than temptation so seek His help in prayer and He will give it to you. He also strengthens us through grace through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Persevere and don't give up! We all fall through temptation, but we merely need to get back up on our feet seeking God's loving forgiveness and carry on the journey of faith.
CHAPTER 29

TAKE TIME TO BE

We live in a world that is moving at such a break-neck speed. It seems that it is moving so fast that if we slow down we won't be able to catch up with everyone else. But as you've probably discovered from the last chapter you can make a decision to take to be different. So why don't you take time to be. Taking time to be could be many different things such as:

* relaxing

* reading

* having a holiday

* taking your family or friends to the beach, a park, a forest, or a mountain.

* Taking your loved one somewhere special – I'll let you be creative and decide where to go.

* taking a friend somewhere

* thinking about God

* thinking about your own life

* reflecting on who to forgive in your life

* thinking about who you know would love to hear from you

* praying

* going to adore Jesus in the Blessed Eucharist – adoration.

I believe that all of the above are really important; we need fun, relaxation and sport. However the most important of these suggestions is prayer – it is interpersonal. It's wonderful you have taken some time to read "Set Free!" So how about taking some time aside just for God, more than just once a week. If you are stretched to find this time, then take it out of your T.V. time. We love the excuse, "there's no time!" Even though it may seem that there is little time even for God, if we just juggle things around a bit and give Him more priority, we discover that we can fit Him in. It could even be praying while stuck at the traffic lights, or getting up 5 or 10 minutes earlier.

If your home environment is noisy then try and find a quiet place. How about a park or a church? If you don't know how to pray, just talk to God as you would talk to your best friend; tell Him your problems and thank Him for the good things in your life. He really does hear what you say and delights in you spending any amount of time with Him each day.

Another suggestion to consider is during this time with God which could be five minutes or longer, try and quieten yourself. First offer all of your problems and worries to God and then stop dwelling on them and think about God and rest in that knowledge that He loves you so much He will guide you.

You could also read the book of Psalms from Sacred Scripture. You will be very surprised how they can relate to you and what you are going through.

"Be still and know that I am God." Don't despair if you find it hard to be quiet because it does take some practice. I assure you that it really is worth it. At times I also get distracted. But persevere.

Remember:

* Cry out to God with your problems and worries

* Be quiet!

* Think about God and His love for you.

About spending time with God; think how you would feel if your loved one or best friend only spent one hour with you a week. During this time they hardly gave you much attention, even blatantly ignoring you at times. So how about you, as well as me, try and give God some more time – daily. You never know you could end up liking it. I bet you will!

"How does God answer prayer?" I believe that God answers prayer in three ways: "Yes", "No" or "Wait". As human beings we expect God to say "Yes!" but "no seems like a really tough answer. "Wait" even feels worse at times because it is harder to do. But at times we do have to wait as it is part of life. Whether it is waiting for your birthday, Christmas, exam results, a good job, or for "Miss Right" or "Mr Right" to walk into our lives.

We tend to turn away so easily from God. Also when praying it's easy to think like the song, "I want it! I want it right now!" But God knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows what we really need, far more than a mechanic knows what a car needs.

"O Lord, you have probed me and you know me; you know when I sit and when I stand; you understand my thoughts from afar. My journeys and my rest you scrutinize. With all my ways you are familiar. Even before a word is on my tongue behold you know the whole of it. Behind me and before, you hem me in and rest your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; too lofty for me to attain... Truly you have formed my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I give you thanks that I am fearfully, wonderfully made; wonderful are your works. My soul also you know full well; nor was my frame unknown to you. When I was made in secret, when I was fashioned in the depths of the earth. Your eyes have seen my actions; in your book they are all written; my days were limited before one of them existed. How weighty are your desires, O God; how vast the sum of them! Were I to recount them, they would outnumber the sands; did I reach the end of time, I should still be with you (Psalm 139:1-6, 13-18).
CHAPTER 30

COUNTING THE COST

Before we look at coming to know God more let's look objectively at some of the costs that we may encounter when we are a follower of Christ.

Christianity is not a free-bee where one receives a free cereal card (in New Zealand such cards are found in Weetbix) and you are saved from all challenges and even problems. Actually one cannot take their salvation for granted. As St Paul writes, "I work out my salvation with fear and trembling." He doesn't take his salvation for granted as if he has a free ticket to heaven.

Following Christ is not an instant problem-free life. I remember seeing the following words on a billboard: "Famine, earthquake, wars ... find total security in Jesus." This is only partly true as we can find our security in Jesus, but our problems won't all miraculously disappear.

All your problems won't disappear! Some old ones may, but you'll gain new and different ones as a Christian. You might even be laughed at for being a follower of Christ. However, you can give your worries or anxieties over to Jesus. In return he'll give you peace and wisdom to deal with the problem, maybe even through someone else.

We still have to face our problems, like an earthquake. Since releasing the first edition of this book in 1995 New Zealand has had two major earthquakes. But in facing our problems we will have the security of knowing we have God's guidance and also the hope that we have eternal life. This hope is not like clinging to the side of a skyscraper in Wellington, New Zealand, hoping that the wind won't blow us off. But it is more a trust in a loving God watching over us, guiding us and taking care of us.

"Are not five sparrows sold for two small coins? Yet not one of them has escaped the notice of God. Even the hairs of your head have all been counted. Do not be afraid. You are worth more than many sparrows. I tell you anyone who acknowledges me before others, the Son of Man will acknowledge before the angels of God. But whoever denies me before others will be denied before the angels of God (Luke 12:6-9)."

I don't believe in preaching the fear of hell into people by saying: "Don't do that or you are going to hell!" In other words its saying "Turn or burn!" There is some element of truth pointing to the fact that we should turn away from sin. But God wants us to acknowledge and know His love and mercy. He doesn't want us to have a humungous fear that He is going to punish us as soon as we step out of line. Like a loving parent He wants us to turn back to Him. Yet He gives us complete freedom to decide to follow Him or not. Also He is a loving parent reminding us what the consequences are if we "do our own thing" and turn away from Him.

God gave everyone free-will to respond to His love. It is our duty as Christians to share this message but respecting people's free-will. We have received this mission from our Baptism. One of the greatest ways we can do this is by living it! As the song goes, "They will know we are Christians by our love." We are called to practice what we preach!

Being a Christian is not a "bed of roses". But then again we sure scratched and torn by the thorns of this world. We are faced with a world that wants crush us because we try to swim against the flow. Whether it is the media telling us what we think is stupid, or whether it's from peer pressure telling us to conform! It is so difficult as it is like we have sharks trying to attack and devour us. But Jesus is like the dolphin that comes to our rescue. We just need to get down on our knees and cry for help, to have the strength to stand against the flow. Yes, there will be times when we will be wounded and sometimes we might only be barely living spiritually, but this is where we need to trust God and cry out to Him. He will hear us and give us the strength to face these trials even if we are really hurting, and just stumbling amidst the tribulation. As the lyrics of a song taken from Sacred Scripture says, "The Lord hears the cry of the poor." God hears the cry of the spiritually and physically poor.

God offers everyone the opportunity to turn to, respond to and follow Him and receive eternal life.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven... Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil against you [falsely] because of me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in heaven (Matthew 5:3,11).

So often society tries to crush or suppress us and it's really tortuous. When we try to stand up for God's ideals, for life, for freedom, for dignity from conception to death we are labelled all sorts of names under the sun. Standing against the mainstream is very difficult and at times very painful and lonely as we'll come against some heavy flak, including possibly from relatives and friends. But remember what Jesus said:

"I gave them your word, and the world hated them because they do not belong to the world. I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one. They do not belong to the world anymore than I belong to the world. Consecrate them in the truth (John 17:14-17).

This is about Christians being in the world but not of the world. We need to say what we believe and thus do, but not always do what they say. We need to mix and identify with non-Christians, but if they cause us to move away from God or lead us into temptation then there's a problem. When the world's views conflicts with Christianity there's another problem that we have to deal with.

The Scripture that is best to illustrate that there is a cost to being a follower of Christ is: "Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it (Matthew 16:24-25).

In order to lose one's life and thus save it one needs to crucify (put to death) all those me, me, me desires and the "look after number one only" desire. It will not happen instantly, but with God's grace He will help you more and more if you ask Him.

Another cost is related to losing one's life is self-renunciation. This doesn't mean ridiculing ourselves, calling ourselves useless and putting ourselves down all the time. But self-renunciation is also dying to ourselves. Yes it is crucifying the "me, me, me" and turning it into "you, you, you" – meaning focusing on God and others.

Instead of being self-centred and thus selfish we need to give our love selflessly. At the same time not working ourselves into the ground or suffering burnout, but looking after our health and spiritual well-being at the same time. There needs to be a healthy balance.

This is costly because in doing this we make ourselves vulnerable. We become vulnerable to God by allowing Him to show us what sin is in our lives and also vulnerable to being hurt by others. For example, our love is refused when we give, give, give and don't receive, or we are back-stabbed by someone we trust.

I believe the greatest time in my life were the result of making myself vulnerable. When I sought to become a deeper Christian I made myself vulnerable. I use the expression deeper Christian because I've been a Christian since I was baptised as a baby. Yes I was being trained to be a follower of Christ even when I was a baby and I was brought to Church. Thanks to my Dad he had me baptised and brought me up in the Catholic faith.

When I said to God, "Change me. Do what you want!" and also when I said to my ICPE friends, "I want you to know the real me! Help me!" these were times that I opened myself up to be vulnerable.

But vulnerability does involve a cost. Are you willing to embrace the costs and make yourself vulnerable today? Are you willing to be vulnerable to what others will say about you as become a true follower of Christ? Are you willing to be vulnerable and let others speak into your life – to encourage you and even to correct you?

As Christians we are vulnerable because we are torn to shreds when we stand up for what we believe and everyone else expects a higher standard of us.

As one of my favourite songs goes, "You can't have love without dreams and you've got to have some dreams this side of paradise... And you can't see your dream without paying the price!"

If you have counted the costs and are willing to pay the price to follow Jesus and become a Christian or to deeper your existing faith in Christ then there are various ways you can do this:

* If you are Catholic it is very important to go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation. No matter how long it has been since you last went, "Do not be afraid." The priest will not whack you over the knuckles but will encourage and help you.

* Make the decision. Write a prayer down about wanting to follow God, that you are willing to pay the price and ask Jesus to forgive you in that prayer.

* Talk to a stronger Christian about the decision you have made and ask them to help support you in prayer and talking about God.

* Frequent the sacraments such as Holy Eucharist, Reconciliation, etc. Therefore it is very important to go to Church; we are not called to solo-Christianity!

* Join a prayer group, or start up one if there is none in your area. Maybe you can start up one with some friends. The internet is a fantastic source for resources for a prayer group, whether that be by playing video clips or sourcing reflections on Sacred Scripture. If you want help sourcing material. Email me on brendanr@ihug.co.nz

* Chuck away the obvious temptations in your life. We need to turn to God and turn away from the things that cause us to sin, e.g. magazines that portray people as sexual objects, certain T.V. programs, movies and certain music which promotes Satan or incites you to do bad things, or just leads you away from God.

* Try and pray every day. Start off with just five minutes a day and build up to at least one hour. This prayer includes interceding for your family and friends, thanking God for what He has done in your life and the blessings that have happened in your life. You could also pray the Rosary in which you reflect on life of Christ and Scriptural passages surround Christ and His mother Mary. While praying the Rosary you can dedicate it to the needs and conversion of the world. If you need any help please contact me on brendanr@ihug.co.nz. I had to relearn to pray the Rosary. The internet has some great resources on how to pray the Rosary. It's a great form of prayer and very powerful.

* Read some spiritual books, for example books on prayer; testimonies; the Saints such as Blessed Mother Teresa and Blessed Pope John Paul II are very inspiring.

* Take time to be. Let's now turn back to God and ask Him to help us to follow Him and find the time to be, for that is the key.
CHAPTER 31

CATHOLICS – WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW

Welcome to anyone who reads this chapter! It isn't just for Catholics, but includes Christians, and non-Christians, including people of all beliefs. The purpose of this chapter is to clear up some misconceptions of the Catholic faith and provide some understanding to anyone searching for the same answers that I have searched for.

"Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened to you." These are some questions that I have sought answers for: "What is the meaning of the Eucharist and the other Sacraments?", "Who is Mary in relation to the Church?", "What is the purpose of the Mass?"

I was and am a seeker. I knocked and the door has been opened to me. I am learning more about my Catholic faith. The more I seek, the more I learn. As I discover the depth and truth of my faith the more I like it!

In this chapter I will refer to the Catechism of the Catholic Church or to Dr Alan Schreck's book, _catholic and Christian._ The title is not capitalised keeping to Dr Schreck's intentions of the theme. It is an excellent book explaining our faith simply.

Sadly there is division between the Catholic Church and other Churches. Often the division is broadened by misconceptions that are spread around like gossip. These arise largely due to a lack of knowledge.

One of the biggest differences that separate the Catholic Church from the other Churches is the Sacrament which is the centre of our faith, the Sacrament of the Holy Eucharist. So the Sacraments of the Catholic Church should be explored. As the Catechism of the Catholic Church states "the term sacramentum emphasises the visible sign of the hidden reality of salvation.. The seven sacraments are the signs and instruments by which the Holy Spirit spreads the grace of Christ the head throughout the Church which is his Body. The Church, then, both contains and communicates the invisible grace she signifies..." (774) and "As sacrament, the Church is Christ's instrument... The Church "is the visible plan of God's love for humanity," because God desires "that the whole human race may become one People of God, form one Body of Christ, and be built up into one temple of the Holy Spirit."" (776).

EUCHARIST

The greatest sacrament in the Catholic Church is the Eucharist.

"Why?"

Because during the consecration, when the priest prays over the bread (host) and the wine, it actually turns into the Body and Blood of Christ. (We don't take it as blood or flesh; actually the taste doesn't change at all). It is the risen Christ whom we receive!

"I am the living bread that came down from heaven; whoever eats this bread will live forever; and the bread that I give is my flesh for the life of the world... Amen, Amen, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man, and drink his blood, you do not have life within you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me and I in him (John 6:51)."

The Jews quarrelled among themselves saying, 'How can this man give us [his] flesh to eat?" Jesus said to them, "Amen, amen I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you do not have life within you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me and I in him. Just as the living Father sent me and I have life because of the Father, so also the one who feeds on me will have life because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven (John 6:52-58)."

"As a result of this, many [of] his disciples returned to their former way of life and no longer accompanied him. Jesus then said to the Twelve, "Do you also want to leave?" Simon Peter answered him, "Master, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life (John 6:66-68)."

When you study Sacred Scripture you will realise that it was very peculiar that Jesus didn't in fact stop those leaving by saying "I was just joking" or "I really didn't mean it like you thought I did." Jesus knew that some people would not be able to grasp the truth. Sadly today there are still many people who can't grasp what He was saying. As the Catechism states:

"The first announcement of the Eucharist divided the disciples, just as the announcement of the Passion scandalized them: 'This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?' The Eucharist and the Cross are stumbling blocks. It is the same mystery and never ceases to be an occasion of division. 'Will you go away?": the Lord's question echoes through the ages, as a loving invitation to discover that only he has 'the words of eternal life' and that to receive in faith the gift of his Eucharist is to receive the Lord himself." (1336)

"We carry out this command of the Lord by celebrating the _memorial of his sacrifice_. In so doing, _we offer to the Father_ what he has himself given us: the gifts of his creation, bread and wine which by the power of the Holy Spirit and by the words of Christ, have become the body and blood of Christ. Christ is thus really and mysteriously made _present_." (1357)

"We must there consider the Eucharist as:

* thanksgiving and praise to the _Father_ ;

* the sacrificial memorial of _Christ_ and his Body;

* the presence of Christ by the power of his word and of his Spirit" (1358)

"It is highly fitting that Christ should have wanted to remain present to his Church in this unique way. Since Christ was about to take his departure from his own in his visible form, he wanted to give us his sacramental presence; since he was about to offer himself on the Cross to save us, he wanted us to have the memorial of the love with which he loved us "to the end," even to the giving of his life. In his Eucharistic presence he remains mysteriously in our midst as the one who loved us and gave himself up for us, and he remains under signs that express and communicate this love." (1380)

Therefore when you receive the risen Christ, believe it and respond in prayer, then you'll know that He is truly in you in such an intimate way!

Here's another way to look at it. If you're in the same room as your best friend, you are in their presence. But if you are looking straight at them and they at you, while you're communicating and even smiling then YOU ARE IN THEIR PRESENCE even more. There is a much deeper presence.

It's like that for us Catholics, but infinitely greater because by taking Christ inside our mortal bodies we ARE IN HIS PRESENCE! The major key to this glorious presence is our response; we need to acknowledge His glorious presence.

BAPTISM

Baptism is the sacrament where we are set free from the bondage of sin. Both original sin and personal sins are cleansed away in the waters of Baptism. In a mysterious way you "die with him, are buried with him, and rise with him." As a baptised Christian you are an adopted brother or sister of Christ.

Also having died to sin you have entered the community of the Church. Christ does not call you to be a solo-Christian.

I believe that Baptism is in fact a seed that has been planted in us. It may take a long time, for this is the start of our spiritual journey for many of us. If Dad didn't have me baptised when I was a baby then my life would be much different; I believe it would be even much worse.

There are many different ways to live out our baptismal vocation, for example leading prayer groups, serving at Mass, reading at Mass, serving the poor, learning more about our faith, living our faith, and sharing our faith with others.

Also others live out their baptismal vocation through the consecrated religious life. They choose to dedicate themselves to God, vowing to live lives of chastity and obedience. They deserve our utmost respect!

The Catechism states:

"Although it is proper to each individual, original sin does not have the character of a personal fault in any of Adam's descendants. It is a deprivation of original holiness and justice, but human nature has not been totally corrupted: it is wounded in the natural powers proper to it; subject to ignorance, suffering, and the dominion of death; and inclined to sin – an inclination to evil that is called "concupiscence". Baptism, by imparting the life of Christ's grace, erases original sin and turns a man back toward God, but the consequences of nature, weakened and inclined to evil, persist in man and summon him to spiritual battle." (405)

"The doctrine of original sin, closely connected with that of redemption by Christ, provides lucid discernment of man's situation and activity in the world. By our first parents' sin, the devil has acquired a certain domination over man, even though man remains free. Original sin entails "captivity under the power of him who thenceforth had the power of death, that is, the devil." Ignorance of the fact that man has a wounded nature inclined to evil gives rise to serious errors in the areas of education, politics, social action, and morals." (407)

RECONCILIATION

The Sacrament of Reconciliation (Confession) is about reconciling ourselves to God and also reconciling ourselves with those who have hurt us – to our brothers and sisters. We need this sacrament for the sins that we've committed after baptism as we still choose to do good and bad.

As members of Christ's body, the Church, everything we do affects the whole body. Sin wounds and weakens the Church as well as ourselves. If the people in the Church are weak then the Church will be weak. If the people are strong then the Church will conquer!

But this Sacrament is not where you take your shopping list and check off each sin. It is the desire to change; to say to God "I'm a sinner. I want to change. Help me!"

Us Catholics realise that we are sinners. That's why at each Mass we say, "Lord, I'm unworthy for you to come under my roof. But only say the word and my soul shall be healed." We know that it is only by God's grace that we can be made worthy. And we also know that God offers us that grace.

We ask God to forgive our sins and we confess them aloud because there is a power in confessing something aloud. It also helps us to know that we have actually confessed it enabling us to see what has caused us to sin and to ask God for His mercy and help.

When we see that same sin coming up again it's very easy to despair. But:

* Remember that Peter denied Jesus three times in just one day.

* We need to try and rip that sin out by its roots by dealing with what is causing that particular sin.

We will never be perfect until Christ makes us perfect in heaven. We need to humbly ask God to forgive us. This doesn't mean that we should have a "she'll be right" attitude or to say, "It's okay to sin because God will forgive me". That is taking God for granted and not obeying His command to love.

God will forgive us, but we have to be sincere in order for Him to do so. When the priest absolves us from our sins in the name of Jesus, He is doing it in Christ's power and we are in fact given another chance to carry on. It's like having the slate wiped clean. So when we leave the Church we should be rejoicing!

When our sins have been forgiven by one who has been set apart by the Church to represent Jesus Christ, we can experience the mercy of Jesus Himself through that person.

"Whose sins you forgive, they are forgiven."

Also the priest is able to counsel and encourage us, or shed wisdom or insight on our situation. He can even pray with us for the healing of some sin, brokenness or hurt if it exists in our lives.

Jesus often uses His representative, the priest to minister to the needs of the people in remarkable ways through the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

The Catechism explains the huge benefit of confessing our sins:

"The confession (or disclosure) of sins, even from a simply human point of view, frees us and facilitates our reconciliation with others. Through such an admission man looks squarely at the sins he is guilty of, takes responsibility for them and thereby opens himself again to God and to the communion of the Church in order to make a new future possible." (1455)

CONFIRMATION

As I've already covered this Sacrament I'll only touch briefly upon it. Confirmation is the official prayer of the Church for the full outpouring of the Holy Spirit in the life of the baptised Christian.

The laying of hands is an action used in praying for the outpouring of the Holy Spirit, "And when Paul laid hands on them, the Holy Spirit came upon them, and they spoke in tongues and prophesied."

Expectant faith and prayer is necessary to receive and experience the full power of the Holy Spirit and is available in the Sacrament of Confirmation.

The Catechism explains: In the Roman Rite the bishop extends his hands over the whole group of the confirmands. Since the time of the apostles this gesture has signified the gift of the Spirit. The bishop invokes the outpouring of the Spirit in these words:

All powerful God, Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

by water and the Holy Spirit

you freed your sons and daughters from sin

and gave them new life.

Send your Holy Spirit upon them

to be their helper and guide.

Give them the spirit of wisdom and understanding,

the spirit of right judgement and courage,

the spirit of knowledge and reverence.

Fill them with the spirit of wonder and awe in your presence.

We ask this through Christ our Lord."

MARRIAGE

Many Christians recognise marriage as a very important part of human life, but Catholics go even further and consider it a Sacrament. "...This is why a man must leave father and mother, and cling to his wife, and become one body. So then, what God has united man must not divide (Matthew 19:4-6)."

Marriage is a Sacrament because it is a visible, outward sign of the presence and love of Christ in the world. The love of a husband for his wife is also a sign of Christ's love for the Church.

Jesus confers a special grace which enables a Christian couple to be faithful for life, and the spouses are called to live according to the grace and power He provides.

A husband is given the call to love his wife as Christ loved the Church, even to the point of death. And also wives, likewise are called to love their husbands and submit to their husbands as the Church loves and submits to Christ. This doesn't mean that husbands should not listen to their wives or be dictators, because there is still a partnership.

The Catechism explains to us who the author of marriage is:

"The intimate community of life and love which constitutes the married state has been established by the Creator and endowed by him with its own proper laws... God himself is the author of marriage." The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator. Marriage is not a purely human institution despite the many variations it may have undergone through the centuries in different cultures, social structures, and spiritual attitudes. These differences should not cause us to forget its common and permanent characteristics. Although the dignity of this institution is not transparent everywhere with the same clarity, some sense of the greatness of the matrimonial union exists in all cultures. "The well-being of the individual person and of both human and Christian society is closely bound up with the healthy state of conjugal and family life." (1603)

"God who created man out of love also calls him to love – the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being. For man is created in the image and likeness of God who is himself love. Since God created him man and woman, their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man. It is good, very good, in the Creator's eyes. And this love which God blesses is intended to be fruitful and to be realised in the common work of watching over creation: "And God blessed them, and God said to them: 'Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it." (1604)
HOLY ORDERS

Priests are assistants of the bishops and share in their fullness of the Sacrament of Orders. In other words they share in their bishop's fullness of priesthood. As Vatican Council II says in Lumen Gentium:

"For sitting at the right hand of God the Father, He is not absent from the gathering of His high priests, but above all through their excellent service He is preaching the word of God to all nations, and constantly administering the sacraments of faith to those who believe, by their paternal functioning. ..These pastors, chosen to shepherd the Lord's flock of the elect, are servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God, to whom has been assigned the bearing of witness to the Gospel of the grace of God."

"By the power of the sacrament of Orders in the image of Christ the eternal high Priest, they are consecrated to preach the Gospel and shepherd the faithful and to celebrate divine worship, so that they are true priests of the New Testament. Partakers of the function of Christ the sole Mediator, on their level of ministry, they announce the divine word to all. They exercise their sacred function especially in the Eucharistic worship or the celebration of the Mass by which acting in the person of Christ and proclaiming His Mystery they unite the prayers of the faithful with the sacrifice of their Head and renew and apply in the sacrifice of the Mass until the coming of the Lord the only sacrifice of the New Testament namely that of Christ offering Himself once and for all a spotless Victim to the Father." N28.

"Let them, as fathers in Christ, take care of the faithful whom they have begotten by baptism and their teaching. Becoming from the heart a pattern to the flock, let them so lead and serve their local community that it may worthily be called by that name, by which the one and entire people of God is signed, namely, the Church of God... to all they bear witness to the truth and life and as good shepherds go after those also who through baptized in the Catholic Church have fallen away from the use of the sacraments, or even from the faith." N28.

ANOINTING OF THE SICK

Sacred Scripture gives a wonderful description of this sacrament:

"Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the Church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord, and the prayer of faith will save the sick man, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins he will be forgiven (James 5:14)."

The Second Vatican Council, which was a big meeting of bishops and cardinals together with the Pope, restored an emphasis on prayer for physical and spiritual healing for all seriously ill persons.

The sacrament doesn't guarantee that every sick person will be healed in a particular way. God's ways are above our ways and often God will allow sickness or suffering to continue and yet will heal on a deeper level in the person, such as spiritually.

Our God is a healing God; He often responds to prayer of Christians and works the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick to restore health to those who are suffering. Catholics will see the power of God as they pray for the sick with expectant faith, and call upon His healing power through this sacrament.

The Catechism explains: The Church believes and confesses that among the seven sacraments there is one especially intended to strengthen those who are being tried by illness, the Anointing of the Sick:

"This sacred anointing of the sick was instituted by Christ our Lord as a true and proper sacrament of the New Testament. It is alluded to indeed by Mark, but it is recommended to the faithful and promulgated by James the apostle and brother of the Lord."

"Like all the sacraments the Anointing of the Sick is a liturgical and communal celebration, whether it takes place in the family home, a hospital or church, for a single sick person or a whole group of sick persons. It is very fitting to celebrate it within the Eucharist, the memorial of the Lord's Passover. If circumstances suggest it, the celebration of the sacrament can be preceded by the sacrament of Penance and followed by the sacrament of the Eucharist. As the sacrament of Christ's Passover the Eucharist should always be the last sacrament of the earthly journey, the "viaticum" for "passing" to eternal life." (1517)

"A particular gift of the Holy Spirit, the first grace of the sacrament is one of strengthening, peace and courage to overcome the difficulties that go with the condition of serious illness or the frailty of old age." (1520)
CHAPTER 32

MARY – OUR MOTHER

As covered earlier we all can have misconceptions of the Catholic Church. Therefore, I will now answer some questions which we all may have been pondering.

Why do Catholics have statues in their churches?

The statues are there to give us something to visualise; they are an aid to our faith. It is also great for kids to picture who they are praying or talking to. When we see Jesus on the Cross we see a vivid portrayal of what He went through for us. In effect Christian iconography expresses with images the same Gospel message that Scripture communicates to us with words.

The Catechism says referring to the Council of Nicaea II: "We declare that we preserve intact all the written and unwritten traditions of the Church which have been entrusted to us. One of these traditions consists in the production of representational artwork, which accords with the history of the preaching of the Gospel. For it confirms that the incarnation of the Word of God, was real and not imaginary, and to our benefit as well, for realities that illustrate each other undoubtedly reflect each other's meanings." (1160)

Why is there so much emphasis on Mary in the Catholic Church?

Because we honour (we do NOT worship her) her as Jesus' Mum. As Jesus is God (part of the Trinity) then Mary is God's Mum. But Mary is not divine and not God (though as we all will she shares in the divinity of Christ as she is in heaven). Because Mary is in heaven she is interceding for us. We became the children of Mary through John, the disciple taking Mary into his home:

"When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple there whom he loved, he said to his mother, 'Woman, behold your son. Then he said to the disciple, 'Behold, your mother." And from that hour the disciple took her into his home." Therefore Jesus wants us too to accept Mary as our Mum.

"What the Catholic faith believes about Mary is based on what it believes about Christ, and what it teaches about Mary illumines in turn its faith in Christ." (487)

"'All generations will call me blessed': 'The Church's devotion to the Blessed Virgin is intrinsic to Christian worship.' The Church rightly honours the 'Blessed Virgin with special devotion. From the most ancient times the Blessed Virgin has been honoured with the title of 'Mother of God,' to whose protection the faithful fly in all their dangers and needs...This very special devotion...differs essentially from the adoration which is given to the incarnate Word and equally to the Father and the Holy Spirit, and great fosters this adoration..." (971)

"Only faith can embrace the mysterious ways of God's almighty power. This faith glories in its weakness in order to draw to itself Christ's power. The Virgin Mary is the supreme model of this faith, for she believed that 'nothing will be impossible with God,' and was able to magnify the Lord: 'For he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name." (273)

"Jesus knew and loved us each and all during his life, his agony, and his Passion, and gave himself up for each one of us: 'The Son of God...loved me and gave himself for me.' He has loved us all with a human heart. For this reason, the Sacred Heart of Jesus, pierced by our sins and for our salvation, 'is quite rightly considered the chief sign and symbol of that...love with which the divine Redeemer continually loves the eternal Father and all human beings' without exception." (478)

"To become the mother of the Saviour, Mary 'was enriched by God with gifts appropriate to such a role.' The angel Gabriel at the moment of the annunciation salutes her as 'full of grace.' In fact, in order for Mary to be able to give the free assent of her faith to the announcement of her vocation, it was necessary that she be wholly borne by God's grace." (490)

Just dwell on this for a moment. Jesus was so pure, so spotless. He conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, why wouldn't God want the woman to be pure who would bear in her womb His Son, Jesus Christ for nine months. In effect Mary was a tabernacle as she conceived Jesus with the power of the Holy Spirit and he dwelled in her until his birth.

Mary said "Yes!" to God will and His call in her life. She experienced so much pain and torture in seeing her son treated so cruelly and put to death: "and you yourself a sword will pierce." The sword did pierce her heart. Would you not be suffering greatly if you had to watch a loved one die?

We believe, as Catholics, that Mary and those good people who have gone before us (especially those 'marked with the sign of faith') can hear us when we ask them to pray with and for us. Therefore like asking live friends to pray for us we can also ask saints to pray for us. Since the power of prayer is so great our prayers can matter for those who have died. Therefore God can hear our prayers of faith when we pray for our loved ones who have died.
CHAPTER 32

CONCLUSION

Over the two years that I was with ICPE the Lord really worked miracles in my life and He still does today.

"But why did it take this community living for God to really Set me Free?" you may wonder.

I believe that it was because I came to the point of revealing who I am, the real me. I made myself vulnerable because I trusted these people and I trusted God. I had hidden the real me, who I was deep down – even at the start of the ICPE school. When I began to reveal my hurts, fears, strengths, weaknesses, joys and sorrows that people began to see the real me.

During my time with ICPE there were high roads and valleys and deserts too. But my trust and hope in God together with His love and the love of those around me pulled me through when I cried out to Him.

God is indeed my strength, my hope, my life and my joy! You too can discover part of God's awesomeness! It is not instant, but it's a process of being refined and a process of growth. It's a life-long process, but when you see changes after a short-period of time (days or months) you and others will be really amazed! All you have to do is see God with all your heart, mind and strength. Call to Him and He will answer you – whether you hear God whisper to your heart or He speaks to you through Scripture or through someone else. Ask God for faith, and He will give it to you!

It is through Jesus' Cross that we are Set Free! As Catholics say at Mass when the priest pronounces: "Let us proclaim the mystery of faith" we reply "By your cross and resurrection you have set us free! You are the Saviour of the world!"

God is not an unfeeling God. He loves you and He wants you to spend time with Him. He has faith in you, and He knows your full potential. You are not useless. You are gifted and remember, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! (Philippians 4:13)" Like St. Paul you can do all things through Christ who gives you the grace, the strength. You were not an accident; you were born for a purpose! If you don't know what God's will is for your life, your purpose, then ask Him to reveal it to you.

Here's a psalm that really expresses this book in a nutshell:

"Glorify the Lord with me

Together let us praise his name

I sought the Lord and he answered me;

from all my terrors he set me free

Look towards him and be radiant;

Let your faces not be abashed

This poor man called; the Lord heard him

and rescued him from all his distress ... Psalm 33

I love this scripture, because it gives me such great hope. God will give me strength because He loves me. The following is such an amazing promise from God:

"Do you not know

or have you not heard?

The Lord is the eternal God,

Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint nor grow weary,

and his knowledge is beyond scrutiny.

He gives strength to the fainting;

for the weak he makes vigour abound

Though young men faint and grow weary,

and youths stagger and fall,

They that hope in the Lord

will renew their strength

they will soar as with eagle's wings;

They will run and not grow weary,

walk and not grow faint." Isaiah 40

Jesus has given you life. In return will you respond to Him and follow Him with all your heart, mind and strength?
AUTHOR'S NOTE

I would love to hear from anyone who reads this 2nd edition of Set Free! Please let me know: what you think of it; how it can be improved; what you would like to see in a future book. I'm keeping a database for anyone interested in my blogs, podcasts, video clips and future books and other projects.

As the Catholic Church has done so much for me and has helped set me free, in return I will be giving away 50% of the profits of this book to Catholic organisations and charities. There is a need within our Church for funding some lay initiatives.

Since the first edition of Set Free! was released I have released four books. Born to be Free continues my experiences in Germany but also recounts experiences in sharing my faith in Russia and Romania. It also covers Incorruptibles (saints' bodies that have never decayed) and Eucharistic Miracles (where the Body of Christ has turned into real flesh) as well as the miracle of the sun at Fatima and the healing of people at Lourdes. I have also written released "God: Fact or Fiction?" which explores the subjects of Science and Religion and the relationship between the two; Crusades Rediscovered: In the Light of Human Sexuality and Our Creator" and "Worth the Chase: Finding Love God's Way.

I am available for any speaking engagements, to speak to youth groups, school or university students or at your Church. Also distance is not a problem. I'm sure we can work something out. My email address is brendanr@ihug.co.nz and I have the following websites: www.kiwig.com and www.godfact.com. I also have Facebook Groups such as "Inspire My Faith" and "God is Fact" and "Worth the Chase". You can find me in Youtube through www.youtube.com/kiwiauthor.

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APPENDIX

Information about New Zealand

As many of you reading this book are not from New Zealand, I thought you would like to know more about this beautiful country. You may have seen our beautiful landscape through the movies, Oscar winning _The Lord of the Rings_ , Narnia's _The Lion Witch & the Wardrobe_ and _Prince Caspian_ and _The Hobbit_.

Where is New Zealand located? No it is not anywhere near Europe as some Americans have told me. New Zealand is located south east of Australia. New Zealand is part of the British Commonwealth.

What is the population of New Zealand? As of 2013 the population is 4.46 million people. 2006 projections had 70% New Zealanders are European (Caucasian), 16% Maori, 16% Asian and 10% Pacific Islanders.

How many sheep are in New Zealand? Yes there are more sheep than people. We have approximately 60 million sheep.

New Zealand consists of two main islands, the North Island and the South Island. About 75% of New Zealander's live in the North Island and a third of our population live in Auckland in the North Island. Our capital city is Wellington which is at the bottom of our North Island.

What is a Kiwi? Many foreigners recognise the name Kiwi from Kiwi Fruit which we export vast quantities to North America, Europe, Japan, etc, or from Kiwi Shoe Polish. But Kiwi is also our national bird. It is the name given to three species of flightless birds, the brown kiwi, the great spotted kiwi and the little spotted kiwi which are native to New Zealand. They are protected, having been severely restricted in the 19th century by introduced mammals such as rodents and also feather traders.

The term Kiwi is also given to New Zealanders as our emblem or icon. We are especially fond of the name when travelling overseas or contesting other countries in sports.

What is the transport like in New Zealand? Yes we have cars in New Zealand, which includes many Japanese imports. We drive on the right hand side of the road. There are few cities in New Zealand that have trams. Unlike the US in New Zealand we don't have to have exact change for the bus fare.

What is the US to New Zealand exchange rate? In 1995 when I released the first edition of Set Free! the exchange rate was one NZ dollar = US $.67. Now the exchange rate is the same.

Public education is free and compulsory for children aged, 6-15 years old, but children may enter school at the age of 5 until they are 19. In some areas subsidised kindergartens are maintained for children 3-5 years old.

The main sports are rugby, rugby league, netball, basketball, cricket, soccer, softball and baseball.

What are the seasons in New Zealand? They are opposite to Europe and USA. While people in these countries are having winter we are enjoying summer. There are only a limited number of places where it snows, including mountains in some parts of the middle of the North Island and most of the west coast of the South Island.

What is the war history of New Zealand? New Zealand was involved in both World War I and II. In the early 1990's the army, navy and air force were co-ordinated under the ministry of defence. Military service is voluntary. The army numbered about 4,800 regular personnel, the navy about 2,300 and the air force about 3,700.

During World War I (1914-1918) New Zealand supplied 124,211 men to the allies of the British forces, of whom 100,444 served overseas. These troops fought in Egypt and also the Gallipoli campaign of 1915. Fighting alongside the Australian army, the ANZACs were formed which stands for Australia and New Zealand Army Corps. In 1916 New Zealand units organised as separate division arrived in France and were very instrumental in the successful in the first Battle of the Somme. The Mounted Rifles troops later served in the campaign in Palestine. The losses of New Zealanders in World War I exceeded 16,000 men killed and 40,000 wounded. The war generated new patriotism.

New Zealand became a charter member of the United Nations (UN) in 1945.

If you want to know more about New Zealand then come on down and experience it for yourself. Or you can find out a lot on the internet or your local library. If you send me any questions I will be happy to answer them.

Thank you for reading this Set Free! eBook version.
