(Shweem... ka-BLONK)
(mouse clicks)
- Welcome one and all to Puppet
History, Online University.
Today we'll be taking an ever winding look
at yet another chapter
on the heavy, heavy book
we call history while our
guests ruthlessly compete
for the coveted title of History Master.
I am obviously your beloved host,
The Professor, why thank you.
Ryan Bergara, are you ready?
- Who puts beloved in front
of their own name in
their own introduction?
- I did not write that,
our producers wrote that.
- You sure said it.
- Special guest Matt Real, are you ready?
- It's pronounced Real, or Real.
- Sorry, Real.
- Yeah, I'm ready.
- Then let's crack in.
(dramatic music)
Now, before we begin, have
either of you ever been to Italy?
- No.
- No, I have not.
- Thank you for those verbose answers,
this is gonna be a great episode.
(both chuckling)
Now in the first century,
C.E. much like today,
you could do a lot worse
than living near the
coast of Southern Italy.
The weather is temperate,
the sea a rich Azure,
and the land is bountiful.
Yes sir, it's no great leap to say
the area around present day Naples
has historically been a
true Mediterranean paradise.
With one with one brief
and extreme exception.
The 36 hours when this idyllic heaven
turned into hell on earth.
Today, we're talking the
Pompeii Circumstance.
(Matt gasps)
- Oh.
- I love it.
I don't love it, but it's exciting.
- We don't love all the horrible things
that happened throughout history,
but we'd love to talk about them.
- I think you might, but I don't.
- You just said you love it.
- I don't remember that.
- Well, in 79 C.E. the
Roman Empire was thriving.
It was still adding to its territories,
and would continue to
for another 40 years.
The Colosseum was about to open.
- Hell yeah, that's like the equivalent
of like an Arclight right?
- It's their Staples center.
- Nice.
- So Roman citizens were looking forward
to lives of enjoying progress
and dominating the Mediterranean.
A mere 150 miles from the capital in Rome,
Pompeii was an important
industrial hub and port.
The city's socioeconomically
diverse population
of around 12,000 enjoyed public baths,
theaters, brothels, and no
fewer than 150 bars and taverns.
Pompeii's farmers were
famous for their onions
and for their vineyards, whose wine,
hoo boy, resulted in tremendous
hangovers, reportedly.
There was one practice popular
in ancient Pompeii that today
we'd maybe find surprising,
as it's usually against the law.
Answer this question
correctly for a history point.
What modern-day crime was surprisingly
common practice in Pompeii?
A, graffiti.
B, identity theft.
Or C, performing unlicensed surgery
- Okay, I left my thing over
there, I have to get it.
- Whoa, that's.
- [Matt] I'm sorry.
- Ryan are you locked in?
- No, I'm making a lot up, hold on.
You know, fuck it, whatever.
A, graffiti, sure, why not.
- You went for graffiti,
Matt what did you put?
- It's absolutely B, identity theft.
- Point to Ryan as the answer is graffiti.
Pompeii was lousy with the stuff.
In the Roman world,
graffiti was considered
a respected form of writing.
Visitors would write their reviews
of the city on the wall
like an ancient Tripadvisor.
Campaign messages and
advertisements were also common,
such as one scribblin' that
proclaimed Celadus the Thracian,
the ladies' choice among gladiators.
Ancient lovebirds would even use graffiti
to flirt, with one instance reading, quote
health to you, Victoria,
and wherever you are
may you sneeze sweetly.
Aw, more to the point,
one wall of a brothel
has etched in it, Posphorus fucked here.
- What now?
- Posphorus fucked here.
- Well I mean it's informative.
I now know where Posphorus was fucked.
(Matt chuckles)
- Most creative among the
tags though were the insults.
Examples include, Sanius to
Cornelius, go hang yourself.
Corydon is a country bumpkin.
Oh, Epaphras, thou art bald.
And, oh, Epaphras, thou
art no ball-player.
I don't know who Epaphras
was, but roasted, two time!
- It's just Twitter.
- Yeah, basically, it's social media.
- I'm gonna start Tweeting
at every Los Angeles
Clippers basketball player,
thou art no ball player.
I think that's amazing.
- For a history point, each of you
is to write an insult directed
at the other in the style
of Pompeii graffiti.
The insult that cuts closest
to the quick will earn a history point.
- I feel like I know Ryan
better than he knows me.
- He might, yeah.
- Oh hang on, I gotta write
it like they wrote it.
- Yeah, I mean you know.
Certainly points for style,
and for effort, Ryan.
(Ryan chuckles)
- Let's see, I'm actually
struggling here to think.
I don't want to insult Matt.
- Bring it, you coward.
- Jesus Christ.
- Ryan, why don't we start with you?
- Yeah, so not my best work.
Mathias's mustache is as
large as he is stupid.
(Professor chuckles)
- I think it's better than mine.
Bergara thou have poor
taste in things in general.
- What the?
- You know what Ryan, I'm
going to give that one to you.
Not only did you insult his character,
but also his appearance,
which is frankly, very rude.
- Well, you made me do it, so, you know,
you're a rotten man, or
thing, or whatever you are.
- [Matt] Damn.
- Don't call me rotten.
As interesting as ancient graffiti is,
Pompeii isn't world-famous
for its street art,
but for its neighbor, Mount Vesuvius.
The morning of August 24th, 79 C.E.
might have seemed like a normal one
for the folks living in
the shadow of Vesuvius.
Perhaps Epaphras was losing a ball game
and Celadus the Thracian was
gettin juiced at the gym.
What did anyone have to worry about?
That dumb old volcano?
Why that lazy thing hadn't
erupted in about 700 years.
As one then 18 year old
would one day recall, quote,
there had been noticed for many days
before a trembling of the earth,
which did not alarm us much,
as this is quite an ordinary occurrence.
- Now was Vesuvius, was that situated
on top of any kind of
fault line of some sorts?
Like what actually caused it to erupt?
- It's a volcano.
- It's a volcano, yeah volcanoes
aren't necessarily on fault lines.
- Well, I guess I don't
know much about volcanoes,
why do volcanoes erupt over
time, is it a buildup of gas?
- Yeah, it's like
pressure, you know stuff.
- Aren't you a professor?
- From Taco Bell.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Taco Bell.
- A little too much fire sauce?
20 miles across the Bay
of Naples from Pompeii,
that 18 year old, Gaius
Plinius Caecilius Secundus,
better known as Pliny the
Younger, was chillin' in a villa.
He was staying in the town
of Misenum with his mom,
Plinia, and his uncle, Pliny the Elder.
That's right, three folks sharing a villa,
all basically named Pliny.
- Wait, I though ti was Plainy?
- Yeah, but that's wrong.
- Oh.
Pliny the Younger would
go on to write two letters
of great historical importance
detailing the events that
were about to unfold.
Pliny's uncle was actually
a pretty big deal too.
At the time, Pliny the Elder
was 55 years old, heavyset,
and the unfortunate
operator of a weak windpipe.
Not sure why we know that, but cool.
He was also the commander of
the Roman fleet at Misenum
and, in addition to
his military accolades,
possibly the best damn naturalist
in all the ancient world,
having written a 37-volume work
called simply, Natural History.
If you're wondering why he never
wrote a 38th volume, stay tuned.
- Was it easier to be a naturalist?
- I would guess, because
back then it was like,
hey, here's a bird that no
one has ever written about.
You know, hey, it's red
and everyone's like, he's
right, that bird is red.
(Ryan laughs)
Around midday, Plinia noticed an unusual
cloud forming to the east across the bay
and asked her naturalist
brother what he made of it.
Pliny the Elder put
down his Pliny the book,
put on his Pliny the shoes,
and climbed to a higher vantage point
to see what all the fuss was about.
As his nephew would write, quote,
a cloud was ascending,
the appearance of which
I cannot give you a more exact description
of than by likening it
to that of a pine tree,
for it shot up to a
great height in the form
of a very tall trunk, which spread itself
out at the top into a sort of branches.
For context, when Young Pliny
says very tall he means it.
At its maximum height, the
cloud of ash reached 18
and a half miles into the sky.
That's one third of the way to space,
something the Plinies didn't
even know existed yet.
- That would be scary.
- Yeah that would probably look
like there's a crack in the earth.
- Also, I don't really know,
like I know he's sort of blazing
the trails with his naturalist writing,
but I don't know how much experience
they have with volcanoes.
- Yeah, had anybody be like climbed
to the top and looked inside
and been like, whoa,
it looks hot in there.
- Is that what's inside a the volcano,
is it just like a toilet bowl?
- I mean, I don't think they're
all cartoon toilet bowl volcanoes.
- I don't think they would know right?
Cause 800 years since it had ever erupted.
- Yeah, they don't have the context.
- And I guess the sheer
fact that he was like,
it looked like a big tree,
probably suggests that yeah,
they don't know what a volcano is.
Clearly something was
going on near Vesuvius,
but it wasn't until
Pliny the Elder received
some mail that he decided
to go check it out.
For a history point.
What?
No, hang, hold, hang on.
- I'm sorry.
- Go ahead.
- The cloud is in the air?
- Yeah.
- For a while, a couple days?
- No, no, this is one day.
- He received the mail the same day?
- We actually looked into this to try
and figure out how this mail
arrived on his door step
and there's not a lot of details about it.
- Primary sources.
- Yeah, you know we try our best
but some history is just a mystery.
For a history point,
what was in the letter
that spurred Pliny the Elder to act?
A, a tavern owner worried that
his elderly patrons wouldn't
be able to flee the city.
B, a soldier, stationed in Pompeii,
nervous about abandoning his
post to help citizens evacuate.
Or C, a rich lady
worrying about her house.
- Why would they talk to him?
Just cause he's smart?
- Well, you know, he was a military man
and I think they figured
in times of emergency,
maybe we should turn to this
guy who was a good under pressure.
- All right.
- Ryan, what'd you put?
- I put C, rich lady likes her digs.
- Rich lady likes her digs, and Matt?
- C.
- Whoa, we got a couple
of sea dogs out there.
(Professor chuckles)
That's a callback to the
other episode that I did.
- Didn't work in that one either.
- Yeah.
(Matt chuckles)
I think we're about to
find out in the form
of an incredible reenactment,
completely historically accurate.
(Professor cries out)
- Of him reading a letter?
- Some mail for you, Uncle Pliny.
- Nephew Pliny, read this
correspondence, aloud, to me, now.
- It's from Rectina, wife of Bassus.
Sounds like her villa at the
foot of Vesuvius is in trouble.
She can only escape by sea
and wants you to come pick her up.
- Rectina who?
- Wife of Bassus.
- Bassus who?
- Husband of Rectina, listen,
they're rich and in trouble, okay?
- In that case, I shall
launch the Roman fleet!
Also, how did she send that letter?
- Nobody knows!
- Weird that nephew Pliny sounds
exactly like a John Mulaney character.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh shit, it's Bonno, holy smokes.
- History points for bot of you, congrats.
So throughout history, the only sure fire
way to get someone in Government to act,
is to have a rich lady
complain apparently.
- The Karen.
- That's true.
- Exactly, yeah.
- An ancient Karen
- An ancient Karen.
Now, to Pliny the Elder's credit,
he set sail not only to save Rectina,
but also to rescue all
the towns along the coast.
When he asked his nephew
if he wanted to tag along,
Pliny the Younger replied, no.
- Dead men tell no tales.
- Pliny the Elder,
captaining the Roman fleet,
set sail across Bay of Naples
straight towards Vesuvius.
As he got closer, however,
the going got a little dicey.
The sea was rapidly retreating,
risking the ships running aground.
The mountain was shedding
giant pieces of itself,
which were rolling down
and blocking the shore.
And all the while, cinders, pumice,
and burning rock rained down on the ships.
Pliny the Elder had a decision to make,
turn back or press on.
As debris crashed down upon his ships,
what did Pliny the Elder
famously say to his ship's pilot?
A, fortune favors the bold.
B, if you are weak in a
crisis, you are weak indeed.
Or C, if you want the rainbow,
you gotta put up with the rain.
- Oh damn, those are all good.
- I've heard the first one,
but I don't think it was him.
- You guys are locked in?
- [Both] Yeah.
- Alright Ryan, what'd you put?
- I'm gonna go B for bravery.
- B for bravery.
- I think that sounds
the most old Englishy,
sounds most of the times.
- All right, and Matt?
- B, when the shit gets
going, you also get going.
- Points to no one.
- What?
- It was A, fortune favors
the bold, that was him.
- Wow.
- In this moment.
- Why would he be getting
any fortune from this?
- Yeah, that doesn't even make sense.
- No, the quote is saying
fortune favors the bold.
So if you make bold choices,
fortune will favor you.
Do you get that?
- Oh, I see.
He's talking about just in
general as a way to live life.
Not that there's going to be fortune
waiting at the end of the
proverbial rainbow here.
- No, yeah, he's not planning
to go toward the volcano
and find a pot of gold.
- I hope that's the last
thing he ever said on earth
because that's a very funny last quote.
Fortune favors the bold!
Then he just gets hit with a long walk.
- That'd be bad.
- I'm gonna be okay, splat.
- All right, moving along.
Huh?
- [Puppet] Chop, chop, chop, chop.
Now hang on a second, that sound familiar.
- Oh hey everybody.
- Oh wow it's our old pal,
the propeller from the Britannic.
Good to see ya buddy.
- Looks like you're
doing another season huh?
- Oh yeah, well you know, a lot to cover.
History's very long, so.
- You got some fancy new friends
this season, it seems like.
- Oh you know, always new
folks stopping by, sure.
- You remember my song from season one?
- Yeah.
- That was a lot of fun.
- I mean, how ya been otherwise?
- Oh yeah, I'm here with a word
from our sponsor, Skillshare.
- Oh nice, I love a sponsor,
keeps the theater lights on.
Tell us about it pal.
- Well after my guest spot
on your show last season,
I realized I'm a pretty
creative guy you know?
Can't just spend my whole life
hauling big old boats around.
I'm an artist.
- Sure.
- Yeah, that's where Skillshare comes in.
It's an online learning community
for creative folks like you and me.
- [Professor] Oh wow.
- [Propeller] They got thousands
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Me, I've got my sights
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Thanks to classes like
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- Oh, that sounds fun, and educational.
- Things are really taken
off from me in a big way.
I'm optioning the
screenplay of my bio pic.
We're still trying to cast the lead,
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- Oh wow.
I think I can see the resemblance.
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- Wow, that's a steal.
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So you can explore your creativity.
- Did you say free?
- Yeah, did you not hear me?
- Oh no, I was just trying to hype it up.
- Okay Del Close, look,
I don't need you yes anding
me left and right over here.
Why don't you just stick
your little stories?
Anyway, I got a zoom with
Topher to lock this thing down.
Let me know if you need
me later in the season.
I'll see if I can pencil
it in, I'm real busy now.
- All right, good seeing you buddy.
- Well I'm a propeller, an
awfully creative feller.
(Propeller humming)
- Ah, what a guy.
Alright, where were we?
Oh yes.
Now, Finding the direct route
to Vesuvius impossible to navigate,
Pliny the Elder pointed
his ships 9 miles south
of the mountain, to the estate
of his friend Pomponianus.
(Ryan giggles)
Back to back questions.
- Oh.
- When Pliny the Elder arrived
at his friend Pomponianus's,
his first course of action was,
A, saddle up all the horses
and make for Pompeii.
B, evacuate Pomponianus's family
to the relative safety of the coast.
Or C, ask for dinner and a bath.
- I really want it to be C,
because that would be very funny.
But I do believe it's
B, let's hit the surf.
- All right, Ryan's going B and Matt?
- scrub a dub dub.
- He's going scrub a dub dub.
All right, well let's find out.
(Professor cries out)
(Matt cries out)
- Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.
- Pomponianus!
My dear friend, troubling times.
- Thank god you're here, Jesus Christ.
- Oh no.
- That guy who died a couple years ago?
What about him?
- Oh no.
- Pliny, the mountain is exploding!
What should we do?
- This is gonna blow over
any minute, try to relax.
- Oh no.
- Meanwhile, I am beat.
I'm gonna take a nap, it would be great
if you could have someone
wrassle up some dinner
and draw me a bath
- No.
- Thanks you.
- Are you kidding me?
- I love it.
- That's crazy.
- I mean I buy it.
What do they say, why worry until
there's something to worry about, right?
- Well, not really though.
The mountain was falling apart.
I feel like that constitutes worry.
- Point to Matt, Pliny
the Younger speculates
his uncles actions may
have been an attempt
to calm everyone down, but
still, that is a bold choice.
- I was just about to say, do you think
this is performative bravado
or something like that?
- Could be.
- Maybe even convince
himself that he's a big man?
- When they drain the tub
it's just bricks of shit.
(all chuckle)
- While Pliny slept, things,
well, they didn't get better.
The courtyard leading to Pomponianus's
was rapidly filling with stones and ashes,
and if they didn't want to be trapped,
they needed to get a move on.
Somebody woke Pliny the Elder
and, as Pliny the Younger
would later write, quote,
they consulted together whether
it would be most prudent
to trust to the houses,
which now rocked from
side to side with frequent
and violent concussions
or fly to the open fields,
where the calcined stones
and cinders fell in large showers,
and threatened destruction.
What did Pliny the Elder's
group decide to do?
A, stay inside and hope
another nap would do the trick.
B, tie pillows to their
heads and run to the shore.
Or C, it's the end of the world!
Orgy time baby.
- Oh no.
- Oh boy.
- Much to think about.
- Oh boy.
- Much to think about.
- Oh no, I dropped my pen.
(eerie music)
Let's go with, C, bone town, baby.
- Ryan's going with bone town, okay.
Love to hear it, and Matt?
- C, orgy time.
- I mean, you're reading the room.
- I also feel like I know that people
were frozen in ash doing the nasty.
- Just a second.
(Professor cries out)
- I don't think I'd be able to zone out.
- No.
- And disassociate from the moment,
and actually like partake in sex
if I knew there was like,
the world was on fire,
- Although maybe it's just insane.
- Oh, like the best sex ever?
- Oh, no.
- Points to neither of you.
- Are you kidding me?
- That's right, little pillows.
- Wow.
- That's cute, it's
adorable, it's kind of dumb.
- That's somewhat logical I suppose.
If you got hit by a smaller rock.
- This dude is zigging and zagging.
- He's taking a bath, and
then after that it's like,
oh, let's tie pillows to our
heads, like that's crazy to me.
- Pliny the Elder, with his pillow crown,
made it back to the shore,
but found the sea too
rough to flee that way.
Now perhaps realizing fortune
had abandoned the bold,
Pliny laid down on an unfurled sail
and asked for some cold water.
Suddenly, flames and sulfur
gas dispersed his party.
As Pliny the Younger writes, quote,
Pliny the Elder raised himself up
with the assistance of
two of his servants,
and instantly fell down dead,
suffocated, as I conjecture,
by some gross and noxious vapor,
having always had a weak throat.
(dramatic music)
RIP to a real one.
Meanwhile, across the Bay of Naples,
for Pliny the Younger and Plinia,
things were only marginally better.
By the morning after the first eruptions,
the buildings in Misenum were teetering
on the brink of collapse from
all the seismic activity.
Pliny the Younger, his mother,
and a panic-stricken
crowd decided to flee.
With their chariots unable to travel
over the shaking ground,
everyone set off on foot.
Ash fell all around them,
and they had to brush it
off to keep, you know what?
I'm just gonna have Pliny the
Younger speak for himself.
Pliny!
- Night came upon us, not such as we have
when the sky is cloudy,
or when there is no moon,
but that of a room when it is shut up,
and all the lights put out.
You might hear the shrieks of women,
the screams of children,
and the shouts of men.
Some lifting their hands to the gods,
but the greater part convinced
that there were now no gods at all,
and that the final endless night
of which we have heard
had come upon the world!
- Damn.
- Wow.
I mean I guess if I
knew the end was coming,
I thought about it a little bit more,
there would be a part
of me that's like stoked
to see you know, like
the after credits scene.
- Yeah, and if the earth is shooting fire,
and that's not a thing
you knew it could do,
I guess you'd assume this was it.
- Yeah, you'd be like, all right,
well, we'll see what
happens in the sequel.
- By the next morning, light
began to return to the world,
but as Pliny writes, quote, every object
that presented itself to our eyes,
which were extremely
weakened, seemed changed,
being covered deep with
ashes as if with snow.
Plinia and her son had survived.
While the experiences of the Plinies
sound downright hellacious,
their accounts were from
the fringes of Vesuvius's devastation.
In Pompeii, circumstances were worse
than my puppet brain could ever imagine.
By the time Plinia asked Pliny the Elder
about that strange cloud to the east,
that same cloud had already blocked out
the sun for the residents of Pompeii.
Evacuating at this time would turn out
to be your only chance of survival.
Seven hours later, the eruptions
had become more violent,
and Pompeii was buried in
about 9 feet of ash and pumice.
At this point, those who hadn't fled
were either already dead
or trapped by blocked
doors or collapsed roofs.
This is when things started getting bad.
- Started getting bad?
- [Professor] Yeah, starting.
- Undersell.
- You just said their house was
crushed by nine feet of ash.
I couldn't help, but like
think what I would do
if I was in this situation
and you were like really
fucked, you couldn't run away.
- I feel like I'd probably
ride it out and just die.
I'd be like, you know what?
I'm just going to hunker down
here and then I'd be done for.
- I'm a big, let's stay in
place and see what's up.
I mean, I'm not going to go outside.
- So we'd all die is what we agree.
- I guess so.
- I'm soft.
- Yeah, me to, literally.
(audience laughing)
Now falling debris is one thing.
Ceaseless earthquakes are another,
but the real problem to watch out
for in a volcano are
the pyroclastic flows.
Pyroclastic flows are
clouds of ash, toxic gas,
and burning rock that surge along
the ground at 60 to 100 miles per hour,
increasing temperatures to
around 750 degrees Fahrenheit.
Early the next morning came the largest
of several pyroclastic flows
that dealt the final blow to Pompeii.
In two minutes, the city streets
were covered in additional
eight feet of hot ash,
and anyone who hadn't already escaped
would have asphyxiated.
- Yikes.
- So just a big wave of death, basically.
- You know, I reflected on my position.
In fact, I think I actually
might do the thumbs up.
- Oh, actually.
- Like T2 judgment day.
- That's very funny, cause
as I was talking about that,
I was imagining that scene
where she's looking at
the chain link fence
and she's like (Professor screams).
In total, Mount Vesuvius rained
hell upon Pompeii for 36 hours.
When it was all over, the average depth
of the debris on top of
the town was 20 feet.
What percent of Pompeii's residents
perished due to Vesuvius?
A, approximately 9 percent.
B, approximately 17 percent.
Or C, approximately 33 percent.
All right, Ryan?
- Going C, 33 percent.
- And Matty?
- C, 33 percent.
- No points for either of you.
- What?
- Approximately 17 percent is
the number we are looking for.
The only nugget of optimism
to come out of this story is that most
of the residents were able to evacuate
before the Pyroclastic
flows devastated the town.
Still, of Pompeii's approximately
12,000 residents, 2,000 sadly perished.
Still a fair amount of people.
- Ah, but it's like we've been talking
about this for, what eons now?
I mean I don't wanna be like oh,
it's a couple thousand people,
but I thought it was worse.
- What was that percentage of people
doing when everyone was evacuating?
Were they just like, I don't believe it.
- Yeah.
- I'm not buying it.
- Volcano, I'll believe it when I see it.
- They're on Facebook talking
about how it was a Democratic hoax.
- Yeah, yeah, the lame stream media,
pushing this volcano narrative.
Cut to twelve hours later
and they're like, (Professor screams).
The first attempted excavations
of Pompeii, besides survivors trying
to recover buried
belongings in the aftermath,
began in the third century C.E.
but the thick layers of ash
and pumice proved too tough.
Pompeii then sat, buried and forgotten,
for more than twelve hundred years,
until modern excavations began
in the eighteenth century.
Vesuvius is still an active volcano,
last experiencing a
medium-sized eruption in 1631,
which resulted in at
least 4,000 casualties
and triggered a tsunami.
But that was almost 400 years ago.
What about today?
We've arrived at our final question
and thus final opportunity
for history points.
How many people today live in
the region around Vesuvius?
And this is a free write.
- All right.
- Ooh, Price is Right rules or what?
- All right, Ryan?
- I have to put a 4,000 candle wicks.
- Oh, that's fucked.
- A bit tactless, but Matt what'd you put?
- I put 60,000 people
because that's what they are.
- That's right.
- People.
(Ryan cackles)
- Double points for you, for
recognizing some humanity
and being closest to the answer.
Three million people.
- What in the fuck?
- The city of Naples sits
a mere eight miles away.
- Oh shit.
- All of the surrounding areas
have evacuation plans in
case Mount Vesuvius erupts,
but still, it's the most populated
volcanic area in the world.
- That is crazy.
- It's nutty.
Well that concludes our history lesson.
I'm going to go tally the
scores to see who receives
the coveted cup and the
title of History Master.
While I do that, please enjoy
this special performance
from Mount Vesuvius.
I can't, what a get!
Okay.
- Didn't he say Pompei was
12,000 people back in the day?
- Yeah, so you thought that
they didn't even replace that much.
- Yeah, I figured they'd go
way down, not go 3 million.
- People get on with it.
(Ryan laughs)
- People get on with it.
- I mean we're what are we doing?
We're on a barren wasteland waiting
to get our shit rocked big time.
- That is true.
- We're as dumb as they are.
(Vesuvius groans)
- Dang son.
- I find this very rich
that my candle wick joke
was called tactless and here he is
singing a song as the volcano.
- People change.
(Ryan laughs)
- What a beautiful morning.
- Oh my God.
- Tummy's a little grumbly though.
♪ Pomepii ♪
♪ A beautiful day. ♪
♪ Check me chilling in a geological way ♪
♪ I'm Vesuvius, some say the grooviest ♪
♪ Volcano they know in
the West coast bay ♪
♪ But excuse me, but you see ♪
♪ I got a little case
of planetary diarrhea ♪
♪ So uh oh, I'm gonna blow ♪
♪ Ashes up the asses of the masses below ♪
♪ I'm Mount Vesuvius ♪
♪ And look I hate to do this ♪
♪ Just gonna bury your town real quick ♪
♪ Cause spewing goo's my truth sis ♪
♪ Apologies to the Bay of Napoli ♪
♪ But I gotta a lot of
lava gotta get out of me ♪
♪ Well I'm hot, and I'm quaking,
and shaking geothermally ♪
♪ But it's not to be taken,
please don't take it personally ♪
- Please, I beg of you.
Come on everybody, Pompeii.
If your feeling it, shout it back.
(people of Pompeii screaming)
Okay, seems that a number
of people down there are covered in ash.
And I don't know that they're
singing so much as screaming.
I'll take it, let's do
the chorus one more time.
♪ I'm Mount Vesuvius ♪
♪ And look, I hate to do this ♪
♪ Just gonna bury your town real quick ♪
♪ Cause spewing goo's my truth, sis ♪
♪ And I'm sorry that I can't control ♪
♪ These grim volcanic urges ♪
♪ And I hate to cake your town
in my pyroclastic surges ♪
♪ And you have to know that even
mother nature gets the runs ♪
♪ This could all have been prevented ♪
♪ With a million tons of Tums ♪
- Oh man, I liked that the
song contained both the phrase,
I hate to do this, while also containing
the phrase, blow ashes up the asses.
- Well I think he's just,
you know he's working through some stuff.
All right, let's see how we did.
Ryan Bergara who thinks bears
are scarier than volcanoes.
- That is not true.
- Has come in second place.
Congratulations Ryan.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a second.
- That means the History
Master is Matt Real!
Thank you Matt, wonderful work.
- Wait a second, let's.
- Hush, hush, hush.
Matt, if you'll go to
your front door right now,
there is a prize waiting for you.
(doorbell rings)
- Is that real?
- Yes.
- Go get your trophy so we can
talk about the bear comment.
I've never stated that.
I think bears are the
scariest animal in the world.
- You're on record is always talking
about, oh, bears, there's bears.
- [Matt] Oh fuck.
- Bears are the scariest
thing in the world.
- Bears are the scariest
predator in the world.
They are the apex predator.
- You're a little baby, aren't you?
- A bear would make light work out of you.
- [Matt] Can I eat these?
- Yes, as you can see, they are sealed
and safe for these times.
That is the coveted cup, and
you so rightly deserve it.
You are the History Master
and I am very proud of you.
- Thank you.
- Ryan, thank you also for participating.
Thank you for watching Puppet History,
we'll see you next week.
♪ He's Mount Vesuvius ♪
♪ He hates to do this ♪
♪ He's gonna bury you ♪
♪ Here comes the goo ♪
