LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME
BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
YOU KNOW, INFORMATION, LIKE MOST
PEOPLE, I BELIEVE THAT DOGS ARE
MAN'S BEST FRIEND, WHICH IS WHY
I LOVE DOING MY SEGMENT, "RESCUE
DOG RESCUE,"
WHERE A CELEBRITY FRIEND JOINS
ME TO TELL FLATTERING LIES ABOUT
PUPPIES TO HELP GET THOSE
PUPPIES ADOPTED.
I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR, WE
HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF EVERY
SINGLE DOG GETTING ADOPTED!
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S WONDERFUL.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
IT'S BEEN MUCH MORE SUCCESSFUL
THAN OUR OTHER SEGMENT "RESCUE
DRUMMER RESCUE."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
SORRY, JOE.
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE HOUSEBROKEN.
BUT IT'S MY JOB TO GET PEOPLE
EXCITED ABOUT THESE DOGS, WHICH
NORMALLY ISN'T HARD, EXCEPT FOR
RIGHT NOW, THERE IS ONE THING
THAT PEOPLE ARE EVEN MORE
EXCITED ABOUT THAN PUPPIES, AND
THAT IS "GAME OF THRONES."
SO I THOUGHT, WHY NOT COMBINE
THE TWO?
IT'S THE PERFECT MATCH BECAUSE,
LIKE THE LANNISTERS, DOGS ALSO
HUMP PEOPLE THEY SHOULDN'T.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
SO IT'S TIME FOR A SPECIAL
"RESCUE DOG RESCUE, 'GAME OF
THRONES' EDITION: A SONG OF
CUDDLES AND SNUGGLES!"
GREETINGS, IT IS I, STEPHEN, OF
HOUSE "LATE SHOW!"
WELCOME TO "RESCUE DOG RESCUE:
'GAME OF THRONES' EDITION: A
SONG OF CUDDLES AND SNUGGLES!"
WE HAVE AN AMAZING GROUP OF
PUPPIES TONIGHT.
THEY COME FROM HOUSE GOODBOY,
HOUSE WAGISTER, HOUSE, BARK AND
HOUSE PUGARYEN.
WE'RE ALREADY.
NOW, IF ONLY THERE WERE A
CELEBRITY WILLING TO FORM AN
ADORABLE ALLIANCE TO HELP ME
TELL LIES ABOUT THESE DOGS.
>> I LOVE LYING ABOUT ANIMALS!
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HI!
>> Stephen: HEY!
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THAT'S VERY KIND.
THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
>> WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE MOTHER
OF DRAGONS.
>> I AM.
BUT MY CONDO BOARD IS VERY
STRICT, SO AT HOME, I'M THE
MOTHER OF PUPPIES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WONDERFUL.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
BEFORE WE GET STARTED, A QUICK
REMINDER TO EVERYBODY OUT TTHER:
ALL THE PUPPIES WE HAVE HERE
TONIGHT ARE ACTUAL ADOPTABLE
DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL
LEAGUE AMERICA.
THEY'RE ALL FANTASTIC.
BUT TO MAKE THEM EVEN MORE
APPEALING, WE ARE ABOUT TO TELL
FLATTERING LIES ABOUT THEM.
LET'S HELP SOME DOGS!
I'LL GO FIRST.
IF YOU DON'T MIND.
HERE WE GO.
BEHOLD!
THIS IS SHMOOPLES, THE NIGHT
KING.
LIKE THE WHITE WALKERS,
SHMOOPLES IS AMASSING A
TERRIFYING ARMY OF THE UNDEAD.
BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, HE'S
WILLING TO SHARE HIS HBO GO
PASSWORD.
 ( APPLAUSE ).
>> NICE!
THIS IS SANSA BARK.
SHE WAS ACTUALLY AT THE RED
WEDDING, BUT DOGS ARE COLOR
BLIND, SO TO HER, IT WAS JUST A
NORMAL WEDDING WHERE EVERYONE
GETS MURDERED.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
THERE GU!
 ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OH!
THIS IS THE HOUND.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
I KNOW IT'S HARD TO LOOK AT HIS
HIDEOUSLY DISFIGURED FACE.
BUT HE IS LOYAL.
LOYAL.
I REPEAT, LOYAL, AND VERY, VERY
UGLY AND MURDEROUS.
>> HELLO, BABY!
HI!
THIS IS KHAL DOGGO.
SHE ONLY RESPONDS TO COMMANDS IN
DOTHRAKI, BUT ONCE YOU'VE
LEARNED IT, SHE KNOWS HOW TO
"SIT," "ROLL OVER," AND "KILL
ALL WHO DARE STAND IN YOUR WAY."
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU!
THIS IS GRAND MAESTER
MARSHMALLOW.
MARSHMALLOW RECENTLY ATE THE
FULL MANUSCRIPT FOR "THE WINDS
OF WINTER."
JUST TAKE HIM HOME AND JUST WAIT
FOR HIM TO POOP OUT SOME
SPOILERS.
 ( APPLAUSE )
HI, BABY!
THIS IS THIS IS GEORGE R.R.
BARKIN.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
HE'S LOYAL AND FUN-LOVING, BUT I
WARN YOU, IF YOU WALK AROUND
YOUR APARTMENT NAKED, HE
WILL RING A BELL AND YELL
"SHAME!"
 (  LAUGHTER  )
 ( APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO!
YEAH!
>> Stephen: THIS-- THIS IS LORD
SQUEAKY.
HE'S A VERY SPECIAL DOG, BECAUSE
HE IS ACTUALLY PART DIRE WOLF,
WHICH SOUNDS COOL, UNTIL YOU
REALIZE THAT DIRE WOLF IS
ACTUALLY SHORT FOR "DIARRHEA
WOLF."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR "RESCUE
DOG RESCUE: 'GAME OF THRONES'
EDITION: A SONG OF CUDDLES
AND SNUGGLES!"
HEAD TO "THE LATE SHOW'S"
WEBSITE: colbertlateshow.com FOR
INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS
FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE
AMERICA.
EMILIA CLARKE, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
