

THE OFFICIAL "I HATE WOMEN" JOKEBOOK

Rob Loughran

Published on Smashwords by

BUBBA CAXTON BOOKS,

Windsor, California

Copyright Rob Loughran, 2013

Formatted by eBooksMade4You

* * *

All rights reserved

No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without permission in writing from the publisher, with the exception of excerpts used in reviews.

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www.smashwords.com/profile/view/robloughranbooks

* * *

Woman, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by many of the older zoologists with a certain vestigial docility acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the post-susan-anthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey...

From The Devil's Dictionary

by Ambrose Bierce, 1906

Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.

— Cornelia Otis Skinner

For every ten jokes, thou hast got an hundred enemies.

—Laurence Sterne

* * *

CONTENTS

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 11

CHAPTER 12

CHAPTER 13

CHAPTER 14

* * *

CHAPTER 1

Women should remain at home, sit still, keep house, and bear and bring up children.

—Martin Luther

What's the best thing to do when you see your wife staggering around on your front lawn?

Shoot her again.

* * *

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?

Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a Tanqueray Sapphire martini. He slams it down, looks in his shirt pocket and orders another. He repeats this five times, then asks for the tab. The bartender totals it up and says, "Why do you examine the contents of your pocket after each drink?"

"I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts looking good I go home and fuck her."

* * *

Did you hear about the new morning after birth control pill for men?

It alters their blood type.

* * *

An old man walks into a bar and the barkeep says, "What's new?"

The old guy says, "I think my wife died."

"You think?"

"Yeah. The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up."

* * *

Why are there 7.2 million abused women in the United States of America?

Because they never shut the fuck up.

* * *

What's the main difference between a blonde cheerleader and a bowling ball?

You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

* * *

"Please deliver the moped," said Ron to the salesman, "with a note that says, Happy Birthday from your Husband."

"A little surprise for the wife?" asked the clerk.

"Hell yes, she's expecting a Mercedes."

* * *

Why don't they let women swim in the ocean?

They can't get the smell out of the fish.

* * *

A blonde visited the psychiatrist and confessed, "I'm a nymphomaniac. All I ever think about and do is sucking and fucking."

"I specialize in disorders like that. I can help you but I charge $200 an hour."

"Okay," she said. "How much for all night?"

* * *

"You really believe I'll be a star?" asked the blonde who had just removed her bra and panties at the director's request.

"Absolutely," he said, "in fact you've already started to make it big."

* * *

What is the ultimate embarrassment for a stewardess?

When her Benwa balls set off the metal detector at the airport.

* * *

What's the best way for a woman to avoid rape?

Beat off the attacker.

* * *

What do you call a woman with half a brain?

Gifted.

* * *

What has a bald head, is six inches long, and drives women wild?

A hundred dollar bill.

* * *

Why'd God put a woman's asshole and cunt so close together?

So when they're drunk you can carry them home like a sixpack.

* * *

What's better than a cold Bud?

A nice warm Busch.

* * *

Where does a female pilot sit?

In a cunt pit.

* * *

How do you know when a woman's wearing pantyhose?

When she farts, her ankles swell up.

* * *

Why is a bottle of Guinness better than a woman?

The Guinness doesn't get mad when you grab another beer.

* * *

What is sex?

It is the most wholesome, natural, gratifying, and wonderful things that money can buy.

* * *

"That was the most boring frat party I've ever been to," said the blonde coed to her roommate.

"Then why'd you stay for eight hours?"

"I couldn't find my clothes."

* * *

What did Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?

"I'll be home in an hour."

* * *

A guy comes home to find his girlfriend packing her bags: "Honey? What the heck are you doing?"

"I'm leaving because you're a pedophile."

"Pedophile?" He scratches his balls, "That's a mighty impressive word for a seven year old."

* * *

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care.

* * *

Why do Jewish husbands die young?

They want to.

* * *

Why are men smarter when they're making love?

They are plugged into a fucking know-it-all.

* * *

What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?

They're both fun to ride, but you never want your friends to see you on one.

* * *

A bride-to-be knows exactly what type of music she wants played at her wedding. She auditions 20 pianists before this musician plays an original composition that is precisely what she was looking for. "That was perfect," she says, "what do you call it?"

He says, "Drive Me to Capistrano Baby, Because That's Where You're Gonna Swallow."

"Yuck. What a nasty title; but it is a beautiful song, play me another." He does and this one is even better. "That's magnificent. What do you call it?"

"Bend Over and Touch Your Ankles Baby—I'm a Backdoor Man."

"You're hired," she says, "but for God's sake don't tell anyone the names of your songs."

The wedding day comes and the guests at the reception are more than impressed with the music. But the pianist has been drinking an ocean of champagne. He has to go to the bathroom and is so drunk he botches the job. He cleans up as best he can and returns to the piano. Halfway there he's stopped by the bride who says, "Do you know there's shit on your shoes and your zipper's down?"

"Know it?" he says. "Bitch, I wrote it."

* * *

What do you call a couple using the rhythm, will power, or withdrawal methods of birth control?

Parents.

* * *

A woman told her friend, "I just made my husband a millionaire."

"What was he before?"

"A billionaire."

* * *

Why do people get married?

So they have someone to blame.

* * *

What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?

About 45 pounds.

* * *

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

About 45 minutes.

* * *

Samantha discontinued sex to answer the phone. When she returned to bed her partner asked, "Who was that?"

"My husband."

"What does he want?"

"He just wanted to tell me he'll be home late because he went bowling with you."

* * *

A man propositions a hooker. He offers $10. She insists on $50. That's too steep for him so he decides to go home to his wife. They fuck and then walk down to the local bar for a drink. They pass the hooker who says, "See what a lousy $10 gets you?"

* * *

A husband said, "I've devised a new sexual position that will save our marriage."

The wife said, "What is it?"

"Back-to-back."

"It's impossible to have sex back-to-back."

"Sure we can. I've persuaded the new neighbors to join us."

* * *

At a divorce recovery workshop a man stands up and says, "My ex-wife is a decent, honest person and a great mother to our children. But I'm into kinky sex—I mean the kinkier the better—and she was a straight lay. It put our marriage under so much strain it fell apart."

A lady stands up and says, "Same with me. And, I live around the corner."

So they leave and go to her place. They do some kissy-face and get naked on the couch and she says, "I'm ready."

"Me too."

She runs to her bedroom and assembles all her gear: leather bra and thong, whip and handcuffs, nipple clips and a battery powered dildo that could propel a bass boat. She returns to the living room and sees him dressed and leaving. "Hey! Where are you going? I thought you liked it kinky?"

He says, "Lady, I just fucked your cat and shit in your purse, what the hell do you want?"

* * *

The boyfriend entered the room cautiously, "Sir, I feel nervous asking you this but may I—"

"Have my daughter's hand in marriage? Certainly."

"No," he said, "I need to borrow $2500."

"Get the fuck out, I hardly know you."

* * *

What's better than honor?

Inner.

* * *

Why'd the female contortionist never get married?

All the guys thought she'd break it off.

* * *

Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve them.

* * *

After making love the bride slapped her husband's face. "What was that for?" he asked.

"For being a lousy fucking lover."

He slapped her back. "What was that for?" she asked.

"For knowing the difference."

* * *

A shapely blonde boarded a bus. There were no available seats so she asked a business man, "I'm pregnant, may I please have your seat?"

"Certainly." He stood and said, "If you don't mind my saying, you look marvelous for being pregnant. How far along are you?"

"About 45 minutes."

* * *

The newlyweds entered the hotel. Overwhelmed by the sheer splendor of the place the bride said, "This place is magnificent; I really don't know what I could possibly wear tonight."

The groom said, "You're putting me on."

* * *

What's the definition of confidence?

Your wife finds you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next bitch."

* * *

How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?

From the snoring.

* * *

Why do brides smile as they walk down the aisle?

Because they know they've sucked their last cock.

* * *

A man and a woman at a Christmas party go upstairs for a quickie in the darkened coat room. He puts it to her, shoots his wad in thirty seconds, and says, "God you're tight. If I'd known you were a virgin, I would've taken my time."

"If I'd known you had time," she says, "I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

* * *

After a long, passionate night of sucking and fucking the guy rolled over and noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand. He began to worry. "Is this your husband?"

"No silly."

"Your boyfriend?"

"No. Not at all."

"Who is he?"

"That's me before the surgery."

* * *

"Honey," said the man, "I love you. You're always there when I call, you always want to go out, you're beautiful and you're the best and most adventurous fuck I've ever had."

"Thanks."

"But every time we go out it costs me $500. What's up with that?"

"I'm a hooker."

* * *

A drunk walks into a bar and there's a lady at the other end of the bar, waving her right arm above her head trying to get the bartender's attention. She has incredibly hairy armpits. The drunk says, "I wanna buy that ballerina a drink."

"How do you know," asks the bartender, "that she's a ballerina?"

"Who else could get her right leg up that high?"

* * *

A man walks into a bar, orders a double Dewars and says, "I've got problems."

"What's that?" asks the barkeep.

"My wife hasn't been feeling well so she went to the doctor. He ran some tests and the best he can come up with is that her condition is either Aids or Alzheimer's."

"Here's what you do," says the barkeep. "Drive her out to the beach for a picnic. Halfway through lunch say you have to go to the bathroom. Get in your car and drive home. If she finds her way back home, don't fuck her."

* * *

Jane confides to her best friend after four Bloody Marys: "Bob was in such an odd mood last night. We planned to meet at a bar across town for a cocktail. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was later than I promised, but he didn't say anything about it. I really don't remember doing anything to make him upset.

"We finished our drinks and ordered another round, but he was still acting a bit funny. I was getting worried; what was bothering him? Why was he mad at me? Is it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, but he said no. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him and he put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back to me. We finally got home and I was wondering, for the first time in our marriage, if there were someone else. So I tried to get him to talk but he just turned on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made passionate love. But still, he seemed distracted. I wanted to confront him, but didn't. So I cried myself to sleep. I don't know what to do anymore. I really think he's seeing someone else." Jane pays, tips and leaves.

Bob confides to his best friend after five beers: "I missed a fucking ten point buck yesterday. He was standing in a clearing and I had three shots. Jesus Christ, I shoot like a drunk fucking monkey! I felt pissed all day. Man, that really got me down. I fucking blew the chance of a fucking lifetime. But what the hell, at least I got laid."

* * *

A man with two more or more wives is called a bigamist, but what do you call a man with two or more ugly wives?

A pigamist.

* * *

A struggling young couple decides that in order to save money he has to, following sex, drop some money in the piggy bank. After a month they bust it open and it contains $1200 dollars. "I don't," he says, "remember putting in any $50s or $100s."

"Honey, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

* * *

A man fixing a flat in a blizzard returns to the car to warm his hands. His wife has hiked up her skirt and removed her panties and suggests he warm his hands by placing them between her thighs. He does and it works nicely. Then back out into the blizzard and he returns again to warm his hands; then out again into the blizzard. "Done with the tire," he says.

"But," his wife says, "I bet your ears are freezing."

* * *

A woman walks into a bar and orders a margarita. She takes the drink to a corner booth. A man leans over and says to the bartender, "That bitch made a fortune from a story that she made up."

"Really," says the bartender, "who'd she sell it to?"

"The entire jury."

* * *

A man walks into a bar, orders a bourbon and says to the bartender, "Ever had anal sex with your wife?"

"Of course," says the bartender. "In fact, we do it almost every night."

"So she really digs it?"

"No, she hates it."

"She just does it because you enjoy it?"

"I hate it too."

"You hate it? Why do you do it almost every night?"

"Well," says the bartender, "the kids get such a kick out of watching."

* * *

This chick walks into a male biker bar. She strides up to the leader and says, "I want to join your gang."

"Can you ride?"

"I got my hog outside."

"Can you drink?"

She knocks back five shots of tequila.

"Okay," the leader says, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No," she says, "but I been swung around by the tits a couple of times."

* * *

What's the best way to remember your wife's birthday?

Forget it once.

* * *

Why is marriage like a three-ring circus?

Engagement ring.

Wedding ring.

Suffering.

* * *

Why hadn't the man spoken to his wife for three years?

He didn't want to interrupt her.

* * *

What's the worst thing about bigamy?

You get two mothers-in-law.

* * *

A man and woman who've never met find themselves sharing a compartment on a train. The woman, top bunk, says, "Could I trouble you to get me another blanket? I'm freezing."

"I have a better idea," says the man. "Let's pretend we're married."

After a pause she says, "Okay."

"Really?"

"Yes. I'd like that."

"Then go get your own fucking blanket."

* * *

The intervention counselor asked the husband, "Why on God's earth did you throw apples at your wife during your fight last night?"

He replied, "Because coconuts are out of season."

* * *

What three words does a man hate to hear while he's fucking?

"Darling, I'm home."

* * *

Why are skull-splitting hangovers better than women?

Hangovers go away.

* * *

What's the difference between a woman and a jar of peanut butter?

It doesn't take three martinis and a $110 dinner to open a fucking jar of peanut butter.

* * *

Why do guys who have been married 20 years love to eat their wife's pussy?

Because it doesn't talk back.

* * *

A plane crashes and the survivors, five guys and one girl are marooned on a Pacific island. After a week, the girl is so ashamed of her sexual depravity that she kills herself.

A week goes by, and the guys are so ashamed of their sexual activities that they bury her.

Another week passes and the guys are now so ashamed that they dig her back up.

* * *

Einstein climbs in bed with his wife. She's tired and drifts off to sleep, while he stays up reading a book. Periodically, he reaches over and inserts his index finger into her cunt. After about an hour of this she wakes up and says, "Stop teasing me!"

"I'm not teasing. I'm wetting my finger so I can turn the page."

* * *

Dave's pride and joy was his vintage BMW motorcycle that he had inherited from his grandfather. His grandfather admonished him to keep the bike spotless at all times and when it started raining to smear Vaseline on the gas tank and fenders so they wouldn't weather. Wherever he went he toted a big tube of Vaseline with him just in case it started raining. His new girlfriend Petunia finally invited Dave to her house for dinner and to meet the family. They hopped on the BMW and drove to Petunia's parents' house. As he parked the bike, she said, "My family is kind of weird. Anyone who talks at the dinner table has to do the dishes."

"No sweat," said Dave. But when they got to the house he saw a huge pile of dishes in the sink. Apparently, nobody had spoken at the dinner table for about a year. So the dinner progressed in absolute silence. Dave figured, "What the hell. I'm horny and they're strange." So he grabbed Petunia, ripped her clothes off and fucked her right there on the kitchen floor.

Nobody said a word.

Petunia's mother was a tight looking MILF. So Dave, silently, pulled her pants down, bent her over the sink and did her doggy style. Not a word was spoken as Dave pounded away on the mother. Then he noticed it had started raining. He pulled out his still erect cock and rummaged in his jacket pocket for the tube of Vaseline so he could weatherproof the fenders and gas tank on his beloved BMW.

"Alright alright," said Petunia's dad. "I'll do the fucking dishes."

* * *

What should you do if your wife tells you she faked her orgasm?

Pretend you didn't hear her.

* * *

What's the best part about a blow job?

10 minutes of peace and quiet.

* * *

A hunter stumbled upon a beautiful woman sunbathing naked in a clearing. He walked up to her smiled and said, "Are you game?"

"For a stud like you, certainly."

So he shot her.

* * *

Two suburban couples decided to engage in some conjugal mate swapping. The trade was arranged and after two-and-a-half hours of orgasmic bliss one of the wives said, "I wonder how the boys are doing?"

* * *

"Get this," says the husband to his wife, "the building superintendent just told me he's fucked every women in the building except one."

"Hmmm," says the wife, "must be that Goldfarb bitch up on the seventh floor."

* * *

On their morning walk Marge says to Maude, "My husband beats me up every morning."

"That's terrible."

"I know. I'm going to have to start setting the alarm."

* * *

Name three things that men love that began with the letter "m"?

Mother, money, and mmmm...pussy.

* * *

Why are fat chicks so proficient at sucking cocks?

They'll put anything in their mouths.

* * *

Bob opens the Sunday paper and screams to his wife, "Pack your clothes I just won the lottery!"

"Winter or summer clothes? Where are we going?"

"All your clothes. Your sorry ass is outta here."

* * *

A young woman is at the grocery check out. The cashier rings up seven TV dinners, some Oreos, three apples and a six-pack of Old Milwaukee. The cashier says to the young lady, "You're single aren't you?"

"Oh, because of the TV dinners?"

"No. Because you are fucking ugly."

* * *

What do blondes call underwear?

Ankle warmers.

* * *

"Mother?" asked the new bride, "how can I make my new husband happy?"

"Love," said the mother, "can be a beautiful bond between two people who respect each other's needs..."

I know how to fuck, mom," said the girl. "I want you to teach me how to make meatloaf."

* * *

How can you tell the blonde on the nude beach?

She's the one with a tampon string hanging out of her ass.

* * *

What do you call a blonde working at the post office?

Overqualified.

* * *

Why did the blonde get kicked off of the beach?

A life guard caught her going down for the third time.

* * *

A man arrested for a DUI is thrown into a cell with a hardened criminal who says to the newcomer, "Good. Fresh meat."

The rookie prisoner says, "Is everything I've heard about prison true?"

"Yeah. But since it's your first time I'll let you choose if you want to be the husband or the wife."

"Well, if I have to do it, I'll be the husband."

"Good choice. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

* * *

A woman says, after having sex for the first time with her new boyfriend, "You are a bum fuck."

He says, "How would you know after only 22 seconds?"

* * *

A family left St. Louis for the gold fields of California in a wagon pulled by two oxen. The man drove the oxen relentlessly. "Let them rest," said his wife.

He waved away the suggestion and continued.

When the left ox faltered the man hopped down from the wagon, approached the faltering ox and said, "That's one."

They continued until the left ox faltered again. The man hopped down from the wagon and said to the weary ox, "That's two."

"Let them rest," said his wife.

He waved away the suggestion and continued.

The left ox finally collapsed and the man hopped down and said, "That's three." Then he shot the ox in the head.

"What did you do that for?" said his wife.

The man said to her, "That's one."

* * *

What happens to women who wear the pants in the family?

They usually discover that another woman is wearing the fur.

* * *

American Airlines ran a promotion where wives fly for half-off when they accompany their husbands on business trips. The airlines followed up the promotion by sending a questionnaire to the wives asking how they enjoyed their trip. The most common response was, "What trip?"

* * *

After the birth of his fourth daughter, John didn't seem right. His wife asked, "What's wrong?"

"I just wanted a son. I wanted an offspring with a penis."

"Don't worry, John. I'm certain she'll have all the penises she wants in about sixteen years."

* * *

What is the definition of Making Love?

What a chick does when a guy's fucking her.

* * *

Why is it so hard for a blonde to catch a husband?

It isn't. It's hard for a blonde to catch a single guy.

* * *

A blonde wanted to see what all the hubbub was about with pornographic movies, so she went to the video store and rented a video tape with the most provocative title imaginable. She popped it into the machine and there was no picture, just snow and interference. She called the clerk at the video store to complain. He said, "I'm sorry, what's the name of the movie?"

She popped the tape out of the VCR and read the title: "Head cleaner."

* * *

Why do blondes only get a half hour for lunch?

It costs too much to retrain them.

* * *

CHAPTER 2

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.

—Roseanne Barr

How come Roseanne never goes to the beach?

Because Greenpeace volunteers keep pushing her back into the ocean.

* * *

"Here's a hundred bucks," says the man to the hooker. "I want you to give me the sloppiest, least enthusiastic blow job ever."

"For a hundred," she says, "I could give you the best cock slurp you've ever had."

"But," he says, "I'm not horny. I'm homesick."

* * *

"When will you ever get married Suzanne?"

"When the right man comes along. Stop bugging me, mom."

"But you're 30, you've never been engaged, you've never had a steady boyfriend. When are you going to get married Suzanne?"

One day, Suzanne comes home with rice in her hair. Her mother is overjoyed, "You got married! Congratulations Susan."

"I'm not married. I was sucking this Korean's dick and he threw up in my hair."

* * *

Why do women have two sets of lips?

So they can piss and moan at the same time.

* * *

How can you tell when your girlfriend is paranoid about STDs?

She puts a condom on her vibrator.

* * *

What's a blonde's favorite cocktail?

Perrier and water.

* * *

What do you call a woman with genital herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and AIDS?

An incurable romantic.

* * *

What's the difference between a woman and a rooster?

A rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-do" and a woman says, "Any cock'll do."

* * *

Did you hear about the blonde who said her pussy on fire on the Fourth of July?

She lit the string to her tampon.

* * *

A mother and her daughter are walking through central Park. The girl says, "Mother, when will I be old enough to start douching?"

"Why don't you ask the four seagulls and two pigeons following you?"

* * *

"I need to buy my girlfriend some gloves," said the young man to the sales lady, "but I don't know what size she wears."

The sales lady smiled and extended her hand for the man to grasp. "Bigger? Smaller? Or just right?"

"Just right. Thanks."

She tossed him a pair of size four gloves. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, I think she needs some bras."

* * *

A salesman flies to Vegas for a convention. He's approached by a hooker who says, "I'm selling." They strike a bargain and do the big nasty. When he returns home he discovers he's contracted gonorrhea. He's on medication for the rest of the year. But the convention rolls around and he flies back to Vegas. Same street corner, same hooker who says again, "I'm selling."

He says, "What are you selling this year, cancer?"

* * *

After being fired the maid retorts, "Your husband considers me a better cook and housekeeper than you, Madame. And I know I'm better in bed."

"I suppose he told you that as well?"

"No. Your son did."

* * *

What's the most effective birth control device for a female?

An aspirin...held firmly between the knees.

* * *

What's the second most effective birth control device for a female?

No make up.

* * *

What's the most effective birth control device for a male?

A pebble in his shoe. It makes him limp.

* * *

What's the second most effective birth control device for a male?

A pay cut.

* * *

After a hard fought tennis match at the club the guys had a steam and a massage. They were dressing when Bob started pulling on a pair of panty hose. "When," said Bill, "did you start wearing those?"

"Right after my wife found them in my glove compartment."

* * *

"What are the grounds for divorce?" asked the judge.

"Cruel and unusual punishment," said Mrs. Smith. "Every night he ties me up and makes me sing God Bless America, while he pisses all over my face."

That is sick," said the judge.

"I know," said Mrs. Smith. "He knows how much I hate that song."

* * *

"I had the strangest dream last night," said Doris to her husband Bob on Christmas morning. "I dreamed we had a beautiful Christmas tree in our bedroom and on top, instead of a star there was a perfect penis."

"Was it mine?" asked Bob.

Doris laughed sarcastically, "I said the perfect penis."

Bob said, "Ironically. I had a similar dream. I dreamed we had a beautiful Christmas tree in our bedroom and on top was the perfectly shaped pussy."

"Was it mine?"

"No," said Bob. "Yours was holding up the tree."

* * *

"What do you take for a sore throat?" one blonde asked a brunette.

"I just suck on a Life Saver."

"That's easy for you; you live at the beach."

* * *

A coed reminiscing about her childhood asked her blonde roommate, "Did you play with jacks when you were little?"

"Yes. And Paul's, and Chuck's, and Bobby's."

* * *

Ron's twin brother Don was visiting town when a terrible snowstorm hit, knocking out all the power. Ron's wife suggests that they all sleep together for warmth. So they all huddle together in the king size bed. When Ron falls asleep his wife says, "Don? I've always wanted to fuck you."

"But Ron's right here."

"He sleeps like a rock. Watch." She reaches over and plucks a hair from his ass.

And they fuck.

"That was fantastic," says the wife, "do it again?"

"We'll wake Ron."

"Watch." She reaches over and plucks another hair from his ass.

And they fuck.

"I've got to have you one more time."

"We'll wake Ron."

"Watch." She reaches over and plucks another hair from his ass.

Ron sits up and says, "I really don't mind the fact that you're fucking my brother, but would you please stop using my ass for a scoreboard?"

* * *

A coed is modeling her new bathing suit for her mother. "Do you like it?" she asks.

"If I wore that suit at your age, you'd be four years older."

* * *

A man visited the drugstore and asked for the most powerful love stimulant on the market. The druggist gave him three tablets and warned him that his dick would be harder than a telephone pole. "That's okay he said, "I have three hookers coming over tonight."

The next day the man returned and said, "What do you have to soothe raw flesh?"

"Your cock?"

"No, my hand. The bitches didn't show."

* * *

A Texas millionaire marries a young jet setter from Britain. They move to England and he starts going to the opera, learning about which fork to use with which course, etc. After every new adventure they relax with a couple of martinis and she lovingly critiques whatever lapse in the social graces he may have, that day, committed. After his first fox hunt he says, "Well, Baby, how'd I do today?"

"Splendidly. Except when you see a fox, you must say Tallyho, a fox and not There goes the dirty little motherfucker."

* * *

The cab driver said, "Monsieur, we are now passing the most famous whorehouse in Paris."

The American in the back seat said, "Why?"

* * *

"Accused," said the judge, "of assault on your husband."

"But he called me a two-bit whore."

"But you put him in intensive care, what did you hit him with?"

"A sack of quarters."

* * *

What's the definition of a wife?

An expensive attachment you screw on a bed to get the housework done.

* * *

When do you know it's time to stop fucking your wife doggy style?

When she starts chasing cars.

* * *

What a man's idea helping with the housework?

Lifting his feet his feet so the bitch can vacuum.

* * *

What type of food diminishes a woman's sexual drive by 75%?

Wedding cake.

* * *

What's the best way to clean out a condom?

Hold it firmly between two fingers and shake the fuck out of it.

* * *

How can you tell when your wife has been masturbating with carrots and cucumbers?

When the salad comes, so does she.

* * *

"Let's go out tonight and have some fun," said the wife to her husband.

"Great idea," he said, "if you get home before I do, leave the porch light on."

* * *

How did Mr. Johnson realize he had a fantastic sperm count?

Because Mrs. Johnson had to chew before she swallowed.

* * *

How are a pussy and a Florida orange similar?

The good ones squirt when you eat them.

* * *

When did the man who had been married 15 years realize that he'd been masturbating too much?

He fucked his wife and it felt like he was cheating on himself.

* * *

Why was there a picture of his ex-wife on the divorced guy's TV?

To remind him where his DVD player went.

* * *

How are wives and blenders similar?

Everybody says you need one, but you are not really quite sure why.

* * *

How do you know when you'll probably get a get laid on the first date?

When you ask the girl to dance and she climbs up on the table.

* * *

How are a wife and a dirty diaper similar?

Because both are all over your ass and full of shit.

* * *

What do you call the lump of flesh at the end of the penis?

A man.

* * *

What do you call the excess flesh on the outside of the vaginal labia?

A woman.

* * *

A guy goes down on a hooker and comes up with a mouthful of French fries and a half chewed Big Mac. "Jesus, lady are you sick or something?"

"No, but I think the guy before you might have been."

* * *

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

* * *

How are a condom and a wife similar?

They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your cock.

* * *

A Boy Scout gets picked up by a hooker. She takes him upstairs, drops her skirt removes her panties and flops back on the bed spreading her legs. "What's that?" asks the Boy Scout.

"It's my downstairs mouth."

"What do you mean your downstairs mouth?"

"It's got lips, it's got a mustache. It's my downstairs mouth."

"Does it have a tongue in it?"

"Not yet sonny boy. Not yet."

* * *

Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they are fucking worth it

* * *

Pinocchio's girlfriend says to him, "This sucks. Every time we make love I get splinters in my pussy."

Pinocchio voices the complaint to Gephetto who says, "Sandpaper my boy, sandpaper. All you need sandpaper." A week later he asks Pinocchio, "How are the girl problems, Pinocchio?"

"Girls? Who needs those fucking cunts? Sandpaper, Gephetto, sandpaper!"

* * *

A man returns home early from a business trip and finds his wife in bed naked. There is a cigar smoldering in the ashtray. "Where the hell did that cigar come from?"

A muffled voice in the closet says, "Cuba."

* * *

While eating at a diner's counter a trucker let out a resounding fart. The man sitting next to him said, "You pig. How dare you fart like that in front of my wife?"

"Sorry," said the trucker. "I didn't realize it was her turn."

* * *

How did the stockbroker's wife tell her husband that she'd been cheating on him?

"I've gone public."

* * *

A man was sentenced to six years in jail for vehicular manslaughter. During the sentence his wife remained faithful. On the day of his release she was hot horny and ready to do it. She couldn't wait until they arrived back home so she pulled into the first motel she passed. They entered the room and immediately ripped off each other's clothes. "How do you want to do it baby?" she asked.

"I want two things."

"Anything."

"I want you on all fours and I'm going to fuck you up the ass."

"What's the second thing?"

"Can I call you Phil?"

* * *

What's the difference between love and insanity?

Insanity lasts forever.

* * *

Why is sex with a condom like bungee jumping?

If the rubber breaks, you're fucked.

* * *

What's one definition of a perfect marriage?

Your wife and your housekeeper come a couple times a week.

* * *

What's another name for a condom?

Around-the-cock protection.

* * *

A couple steps up to the desk clerk, "My wife and I would like a room."

"I'm sorry. But the only available room's bathroom is being remodeled. There's no running water."

"Sweetheart," he says, "is that okay with you?"

She shrugs and says, "Whatever you say mister."

* * *

A couple is walking through the park when they see a couple kissing on a park bench. "Why," says the wife, "can't you be more like that?"

"I don't even know her."

* * *

A man insisted on getting married even though both he and his fiancée were unemployed. He said, "We'll live on love alone." So they get hitched and neither can find a job. One day after another long, fruitless job hunt he returns to the boarding house where they live and he hears wild clapping and screaming in the dining room. He enters to see his wife, naked, running up the stairs, straddling the banister and sliding down bareass. This act delights the male boarders. She runs up the stairs again and he screams from the bottom, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Remember you said we were going to live on love alone?"

"Yeah."

"I'm heating up your fucking dinner."

* * *

Laura Bush is not satisfied with George's last few sexual performances and she mentions something to him. So George asks Colin Powell for some tips. Colin tells him to start off with oral sex, first swirling your tongue to the left, then the right, and repeat that three times before you stick your dick in.

That night Laura goes to bed first and George sneaks in under the covers. Three swirls to the left; three to the right; but before George can get it in Laura says, "Is that you, Colin?"

* * *

At his 30 year class reunion a man bumps into his high school sweetheart and says, "How you doing?"

"I've just had a hysterectomy."

"That's too bad."

"But the doctor did find your class ring."

* * *

A man stuck his hand out the window to check if it's raining and catches a glass eyeball. He looks up and sees a beautiful girl hanging out a window, "Is this yours?" he yells.

"Yes. Apartment 37 d."

"I'll bring it up."

He arrives at 37 d. She opens the door stark naked. She pops her eye in, drops to her knees and starts sucking his dick. "Wow," he says, "do you treat all guys this way?"

"No," she mumbles, "just the ones that catch my eye."

* * *

An avid, extremely rich, fisherman marries an older, dowdy, overweight woman. They honeymoon at a posh resort in Tahiti, voted one of the most romantic getaways in the world. As soon as they land, at dusk, he arranges for a night fishing expedition. She dines, alone and content, with a book. She sleeps in, but he's up at dawn; hiking into the mountains for some fly fishing. She takes a taxi into town at noon; while he sleeps, she shops. He awakes at 4:00 pm, has breakfast for dinner and goes night fishing again. This goes on, like clockwork, for their entire two week stay. Checking out, the concierge asks the wealthy fisherman, "How was your stay?"

"Fucking brilliant. Thanks." And he slips him $500.

"If I may be personal?"

"Certainly."

The concierge says, "This is the most romantic place on earth. In two weeks you and your wife haven't shared a meal or a bed. You are young, rich, handsome. She belongs in a trailer park. I am mystified why you are together."

He nods twice, and says: "You know how much I like fishing?"

"Oh yes."

He made the come-closer-finger-gesture and whispered, "She's got worms."

* * *

A nervous young man the night before his wedding said to his father, "I'm a virgin; I really don't know what to do."

"It's easy just take that thing you used to play with as a child and put it were your wife pees."

So he got his old GI Joe doll and threw it in the toilet.

* * *

A mother advised her soon-to-be-wed daughter, "Always wear an item of clothing to bed, darling. It'll keep the mystery alive."

Two weeks into their marriage, following another glorious bout of lovemaking, her husband said, "Is there any history of mental disease in your family?"

"No. Why?"

"Because you keep wearing those fucking earmuffs to bed."

* * *

A woman responded to a personal ad that used the phrase World's Greatest Lover several times. She responded and the next day was all a-flutter as the doorbell rang. She stripped down to bra and panties and answered the door. At the door was a young man in a motorized wheelchair much like Stephen Hawking's. He said, "I see you're ready for the world's greatest lover."

"But you're paralyzed, how..."

"Lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?"

* * *

Harry walked, smiling, into the drug store to buy some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Why the good mood?"

"I've been dating this chick for 3 months and she's surrendering the pussy tonight. The only drawback is that I have to meet the parents for dinner first. But, goddam, she's going to get all of it."

"Ah, to be young and horny. Knock her dead," he said.

"I will."

That evening Harry rang the doorbell. As soon as his girlfriend, followed by her parents, answered the door Harry jumped into the bushes and hid his face. She said to Harry, "Why didn't you tell me you were so shy?"

"Why didn't you tell me your dad worked at the fucking pharmacy?"

* * *

Preoccupied with business, Mr. Fife had not made love to his wife for over six months. In order to pique his interest his wife went out and purchased a pair of crotchless panties. When he came home from work that night she lay naked, except for the crotchless panties, on the couch in the front room. He entered the room and she said, "You want some of this pussy?"

"Hell no. Look what it did to your underwear. "

* * *

A man wakes up in the middle of the night with a raging boner, he says to his wife, "Get over here and suck this."

"Let me go to the bathroom first."

"Okay."

On the way to the bathroom she trips over the throw rug and falls. The husband says, "Is my little baby all right? You didn't hurt yourself did you? Did you? Oh, my baby will be okay." She shits, returns to bed and performs incredible oral sex on her husband. She gets out of bed, again to go to the bathroom and trips again, falling to her knees. Her husband says, "You clumsy fucking cunt."

* * *

"Will you ride with my mother," said Barbara to her husband from her deathbed, "on the way to my funeral?"

"Of course I will," said Brad. "But it's gonna fuck up my entire day."

* * *

"We're going to have fun tonight," said Karl to Mary, "I got three tickets to the concert."

"Why three?" asked Mary.

"They are for your parents and your little brother."

* * *

A man and his wife are married for a year. One day she's cleaning and discovers a box with 3 empty beer bottles and $445. She asks, "How odd, Bill. Money and beer bottles? Why?"

"Everytime I think about having sex with another woman I put a bottle in the box."

"Only three times in a year. I'm flattered; but what about the money?"

"When the box is filled with empties I cash them in."

* * *

A man came home from work to find his beautiful wife naked, on her knees in the foyer. She gave him a wonderful blow job, and as he moaned and came down her throat he said, "What'd you back the car into this time?"

* * *

The husband climbed into bed and started fondling his wife. She pushed him away saying, "I have a headache."

"That's why," he says, "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin."

* * *

What's the difference between a wife and abject poverty?

Abject poverty sucks.

* * *

Why were the midget and the fat lady so deliriously happy together?

She let him try out a new wrinkle every night.

* * *

"Dave's a really nice guy," said Barbara to her best friend Marie. "But how could you stand been married to a quadriplegic? I mean, don't you miss the sex?"

"Actually, I don't. You see, Dave has an eight inch tongue."

"Holy Shit!"

"Not only that," said Marie, "he's learned to breathe through his ears."

* * *

The drunk husband didn't make it home until 6:00 am. "You'd better," said his wife, "have a good goddam reason for coming home at this hour."

"I do," he said as he sat down at the kitchen table. "Breakfast."

* * *

Returning from WWII the GI tried to impress his eternally bitchy wife with the French he had learned. He entered the house and said, "Je t'adore!"

She said, "Shut the door yourself, you lazy asshole."

* * *

At the bachelor party the groom's father stood and toasted: "To my oldest son on the happiest day of his life."

"But," said the groom, "I'm not getting married until tomorrow."

Dad said, "I repeat: To my son on the happiest day of his life."

* * *

"I want," says the wife, "a boob job."

"Too expensive," says the husband, "just rub them old titties with toilet paper."

"What good will that do?"

"Look what it's done to your ass."

* * *

One California surfer dude said to another, "I'm trying to get my girlfriend's mother out of my life."

"Tell her to move out."

"I would, but she owns the house."

* * *

"You have testified," said the judge "that you were run over at midnight, in a blinding snowstorm and yet you're absolutely certain it was your mother-in-law driving the car?"

"That's correct, your Honor."

"These are serious charges. How can you be so sure?"

"I recognized her cackle."

* * *

"This is just a formality," said the young man, "but I've come to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

"Who the hell," said the father, "told you this was just a formality?"

"Your daughter's obstetrician."

* * *

"What am I going to do?" said the grieving widower, "What am I going to do? What am I going to do?"

His best friend said, "You'll find someone else, don't take it so hard."

"I know that. But what am I going to do tonight."

* * *

Why do honeymoons only last a week?

Because seven days make a hole weak.

* * *

Harry has to work a double shift as a department store Santa. He's so busy that he can't get to a phone so he asks his boss to stop by and tell his wife he won't be home until 9:00 pm.

The boss stops by after work and says to Harry's wife, "I know you're having money problems."

"Yeah. Terrible problems. We might lose the house. That's why Harry took the job as Santa."

"Tell you what. I'll give you $350 if you suck my dick."

"Harry can never find out."

"I'll never tell a soul."

He drops the cash on the counter. She kneels, pulls out the trouser trout and starts bobbing and slurping.

Harry arrives home later and says, "Did my boss stop by to tell you I'd be late?"

"Yes."

"Good. And did he drop off my $350 Christmas bonus?"

* * *

"I have a unique problem while traveling," says Brad.

"How may I help you?" replies the travel agent.

"I vacationed in Italy and my wife got pregnant. I vacationed in Argentina and my wife got pregnant. I vacationed in New Zealand and my wife got pregnant. I don't know what to do."

"Maybe you should purchase some condoms?"

"Either that, or I'll just take her with me this time."

* * *

Two Irishman, Sean and Mike, had grown up together. And of course, when Mike decided to get married it was a foregone conclusion that Sean would be his best man. Following the wedding the booze flowed like water and everyone imbibed freely. Mike walked into the bathroom, and there he saw his new wife and Sean sucking and fucking like little bunny rabbits. But instead of anger or disbelieve, Mike started laughing. His new bride said, "I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I at least imagined you'd be angry instead of tickled pink."

"What you're doing is all right," said Mike. "It's just quite amusing to me that Sean is so drunk he thinks he's me."

* * *

Why is a bachelor skinny and a married man fat?

A bachelor comes home, looks in the fridge and goes to bed. The married man comes home, takes one look at what's in bed and goes to the refrigerator.

* * *

CHAPTER 3

A woman is an animal, and an animal of not the highest order.

—Edmund Burke

What do you call a female peacock?

A peacunt.

* * *

"Have you fucked your new girlfriend yet?" said one Tyrannosaurus Rex to the other.

"No. We went away for the weekend. I got her drunk and had her in the mood; but then, wouldn't you know it, she gets her century."

* * *

An old lady lived alone with her dog. She was cleaning the attic and rubbed a dusty lamp. Out pops a genie who grants her three wishes: "One," she said, "I never want to worry about money again. Two, I want to be young and beautiful. Three, I want you to change my best friend, my dog, into a handsome prince."

Poof! Money appears. Poof! She's beautiful again. Poof! Her dog becomes a prince. They kiss and the dog says, "What a fucking pity you had my balls cut off."

* * *

What did Bambi say when she ran out of the woods?

"I'll never do that for five bucks again."

* * *

Why do elephants have four feet?

Because two feet just won't satisfy a female elephant.

* * *

An executive arrives at work and his secretary says, "Today's your mom's birthday. Did you forget again?"

"Yes, I did. Thank you for the reminder."

He enters his office and phones the pet store. "My mom's been recently widowed and I'd like to get her a companion pet."

"You're in luck, we have a parrot here that speaks English, French, and Italian. Wonderful companion."

"Great, have him delivered with a card that reads From Your Loving Son."

"I gotta tell you buddy, this bird costs $10,000."

"Nothing is too costly for my mother."

"Done."

So the executive waits until late afternoon to call his mom. "Happy Birthday Mom. Did you get the bird?"

"Yes. Thank you," she says. "It was delicious."

* * *

The Smiths threw a wild New Year's Eve party that turned into a drunken orgy. They were having brunch on New Year's Day when Mr. Smith asks, "I hate to ask you this, but did I buttfuck you on the kitchen floor last night?"

"Darling, you'll have to be more specific. About what time?"

* * *

Dirty Johnny and his father are in the drugstore and they walk by a display of condoms. "Why do they come in different sized boxes?" asks Dirty Johnny as he holds up a two-pack.

"That's for when you're in high school. One for Friday night one for Saturday night."

Johnny holds up a six-pack, "How about this one?"

"That's for when you're in college; two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, two for Sunday afternoon."

Johnny holds up a 12 pack, "How about this one?"

"That's for when you're married. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

* * *

Dirty Johnny is sitting on Santa Claus' lap. "What you want for Christmas, little boy?"

"I want a GI Joe and a Barbie."

"But Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe. She comes with Ken."

"You got it wrong fat man. Barbie comes with GI Joe; she fucking fakes it with Ken."

* * *

Dirty Johnny's class had a substitute teacher who said, "My name is Miss Prussy. It's easy to remember because it's just like pussy but with an r."

Johnny raised his hand and said, "May I please be excused to go to the bathroom Miss Crunt?"

* * *

Dirty Johnny asked his father, "What's a penis?"

Dad unzipped his pants and whipped it out. "Johnny, this is a penis. In fact this is a perfect penis."

"Thanks dad," said Johnny. He ran across the street to Suzie's, whipped it out and said, "This is a penis."

"Really?"

"Yes, and if it was three inches shorter it would be just as perfect as my dad's."

* * *

When he was seven years old, Dirty Johnny was charged with the rape of a 32 year old woman. His defense attorney said, "In summation, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you can't believe that such a small, undeveloped boy is sexually mature enough to perpetrate a rape. Johnny, would you please?"

Johnny whipped out his dick. The lawyer walked over, grabbed Johnny's dick and shook it at the jury. "How could this little member be capable of a full erection, let alone a rape?"

"One more shake," said Johnny, "and you lose the case."

* * *

The teacher asked the class, "What are the three advantages of breast milk?" Dirty Johnny raised his hand and said, "Breast milk helps to develop the child's immune system. It contains the proper nutrients. And it comes in these beautiful fucking containers."

* * *

The teacher asked her class, if they could use the word contagious in a sentence. Suzie raised her hand and said, "Mumps are contagious."

Dirty Johnny raised his hand and said, "My next-door neighbor's wife was painting the fence and my dad said. It's gonna take that cunt ages to paint that fence."

* * *

Dirty Johnny gets up in the middle of the night and sneaks down the hall. He peeks into his parents' room while they are having sex and says, "And she yells at me for sucking my thumb."

* * *

Dirty Johnny asked his grandfather, "Grandpa, what's the secret to a long happy marriage?"

"Your grandma and I go out for a romantic dinner every Friday night. That keeps us happy."

"Where do you go?"

"I like Chinese. I don't care where the fuck she goes."

* * *

"What part," asks the teacher, "of the human anatomy gets 12 times bigger when stimulated?"

Sally raises her hand and says, "The penis?"

"You're going to be disappointed Sally," says Dirty Johnny. "The iris gets 12 bigger when stimulated. The cock only triples."

* * *

"I'm thinking," says the teacher, "of a fruit that's yellow."

"Banana," says Johnny.

"No," says the teacher, "a lemon. But it shows that you're thinking. Now I'm thinking of a green vegetable."

"How about a zucchini," says Johnny.

"No," says the teacher, "a pea. But it shows that you're thinking."

"Alright," says Dirty Johnny, "I got something in my pants that's long and hard and has a pink tip."

The teacher says, "Your penis?"

"No, my fucking pencil, but it shows that you're thinking."

* * *

Dirty Johnny was collecting for his paper route when the widow Mullins answered the door in her bra and panties. She said, "I don't have your $7.50 this month Johnny; but I'll let you fuck me."

"Sure." Johnny pulls down his pants to reveal a cock so big it hung to his knee caps.

"Oh my," said the widow Mullins. "This is going to be good."

Johnny fished in his jacket pocket and pulled out several rubber washers, which he slipped over the head of his dick. "Oh," said the widow Mullins. "I can take it all. I really can!"

"Not for $7.50 you can't."

* * *

The sexual education teacher drew a penis on the blackboard and asked the class, "does anybody know what this is?"

Dirty Johnny stands up and says, "It's a cock. My dad has two of them."

"Your father has two penises?" asked the teacher.

"Yeah. The little one he pisses out of and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth."

* * *

Dirty Johnny pulled down his pants and said to the neighbor girl, "This is a cock and you don't have one."

She lifted up her skirt and said, "Yeah, but I can get all the cocks I want with one of these."

* * *

Dirty Johnny and his grandfather fell asleep on the couch watching TV. Grandpa woke Johnny: "Quick, go get your grandma."

"Grandpa," said Johnny, "that's my cock you're holding."

* * *

The teacher asked Dirty Johnny during the geography lesson, "Johnny, what's wrong? You are unusually quiet."

"I didn't have no breakfast."

"Lunch is in 15 minutes. Now, Johnny, back to geography. Where is the Mexican border?"

"In bed fucking my mother, that's why I didn't get no breakfast."

* * *

"Hey mom," asked Dirty Johnny, "can you knock someone up if you buttfuck them?"

"Sure," says his mom, "where do you think lawyers come from?"

* * *

"Today class," says the teacher, "we're having sex education. How many sexual positions do you think there are?"

Dirty Johnny yells, "Eighteen that I've seen my sister do."

"Eighteen? That's inventive, but we'll start," says the teacher, "with the most basic. It's called 'Missionary' and it's the man on top of the woman."

"Shit," says Johnny. "Make that 19."

* * *

Dirty Johnny's dad comes home and Dirty Johnny and his grandmother are having sex on the couch. "Johnny," yells dad, "what the hell are you doing?"

"Hey," said Johnny, "you fuck my mom what's it to you if I fuck yours?"

* * *

"Johnny," said the teacher, "what's the difference between realistically and theoretically?"

"Take my home life. I asked my mom and sister if they'd have sex with any man for a $1,000,000. They both said yes. So theoretically I'm living with two millionaires; but realistically I'm living with a couple of high priced whores."

* * *

Suzie said to Dirty Johnny, "I know how babies are made."

"Big fucking deal," said Johnny, "I know how they're not made."

* * *

After a particularly crude and obscene joke Dirty Johnny's teacher asks, "Don't you know any jokes that aren't filthy?"

"Only one," says Johnny.

"Oh, please tell me?"

"Okay, a clean joke. I took a bath with bubbles."

"That's clean, but it's not funny."

Johnny says, "Bubbles is my fucking babysitter."

* * *

Suzie runs up to her mom, "Can I have a baby?"

"Of course not."

Suzie runs down the hall, "You were right Johnny, same game! Same game!"

* * *

Dirty Johnny has the next door neighbor girl on the couch. Johnny is feeling her up and kissing her. Then he says, "God, I'd love to get into your pants."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. I just came in mine."

* * *

The teacher asks the class, "There are eight birds on a fence. Farmer Bill shoots three. How many are left?"

Everyone except Dirty Johnny says, "Five."

Johnny says, "None. Even if he didn't kill any they'd all fly away when they heard the gun."

"Mathematically," said the teacher, "you're wrong, but I like the way you think."

"I got one for you, teach. Three women are sitting on a park bench eating lollipops. One is licking it, one's biting it, and one's sucking it. Which one's married?"

"The one sucking it?"

"No. The one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you think."

* * *

Suzie and the girls asked Dirty Johnny if he wanted to play house with them. "Sure," he said, "which one of you is gonna be the madam?"

* * *

"Mommy," asked Dirty Johnny, "what's an Oedipus complex?"

"Just shut up and keep licking my pussy you little bastard."

* * *

"Mommy," asked Dirty Johnny, "why can't I play with the other children?"

"Just shut up and deal."

* * *

A math teacher asked Dirty Johnny, "If I gave you $200 and you gave $50 each to Suzie, Sally, and Mary what would you have?"

Dirty Johnny replied: "An orgy."

* * *

Dirty Johnny's mom, tired of his preoccupation with breasts, takes him to a psychiatrist who guarantees results after one session. On the way to the doctor's office Johnny kept pointing and saying, "Check out those titties! What a fucking rack! I'd love to bury my face in those!"

Following an intensive three hour session they pass the high school on the way home. Perky pubescent girls are everywhere, but not a peep out of Johnny about breasts. They stop at the store and Johnny isn't ogling the cover of Cosmopolitan. They pull up in front of their house. The mailman is walking by and drops a letter. He bends over to pick it up and Johnny says, "Check out the righteous ass on that mailman."

* * *

The teacher said, "I want you to think of a three syllable word and then use it in a sentence. Leroy stood and said, "Beautiful. It is a beautiful day outside."

Sam stood and said, "Wonderful. Disneyland is wonderful."

Dirty Johnny said, "Urinate. Teacher you're-an-eight. But if your tits were bigger you'd be a ten."

* * *

Dirty Johnny and his friend Melvin are reading magazines. Johnny's grandma enters the room and says, "What nice little boys, reading quietly. Melvin, what are going to be when you grow up?"

Melvin held up his copy of Sky and Telescope: "I'm going to be an astronaut."

"Commendable. Johnny what are you going to be when you grow up?"

Johnny held up his copy of Playboy: "I'm just gonna be grown up."

* * *

Dirty Johnny and Melvin were arguing:

"My dad's better than your dad," said Melvin.

"No he's not."

"My brother's better than your brother."

"No he's not."

"My sister's better than your sister."

Johnny hesitated, then said, "You got me there, Melvin."

* * *

Dirty Johnny had a big time crush on the young substitute teacher. He followed her around all week, stayed in at recess and helped her clean the blackboards after school. One day she said, "Johnny, I can tell by the way you look at me that you have a schoolboy crush on me. But I don't want a child."

"Fine," Johnny said, "I'll wear a rubber."

* * *

Dirty Johnny is walking home with Wendy. She says, "Johnny, you're the first boy I've ever loved."

"Dammit," says Johnny, "another fucking rookie."

* * *

Dirty Johnny says, "Hey mom, how do lions fuck?"

"I really don't know," says mom. "All your father's friends are either Elk or Moose."

* * *

"You need to eat a high fiber diet," the doctor told the heart patient, "quit smoking, and get some exercise."

"What about sex?"

"Just with your wife. We don't want you getting too excited."

* * *

A man arrives at the emergency room; the doctor approaches him and says, "Your wife's been in a terrible car accident, she's a paraplegic and brain-dead. You'll have to spend the rest of your life caring for her."

"But doc, I'm only 25 years old. She might live another 60 years; I can't spend the rest of my life taking care of an invalid."

"You won't have to," says the doctor. "I was just fucking with you. She's dead."

* * *

Two lawyers hire a stunning new secretary and a contest begins between them to bed her. They both end up sleeping with her the day of the Christmas party and meet afterwards for drinks and bragging rights. "So what do you think about her cocksucking?" asks the first partner.

"My wife is better."

"You're right."

* * *

A couple visit a sex therapist who asks the wife, "What do you think is the biggest problem with your sex life?"

"My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

"Is this true?" the therapist asks the husband.

"I don't actually suffer," he replies. "She does."

* * *

When a lawyer asked the woman why she was divorcing her husband. She said, "Hobosexuality."

"Don't you mean homosexuality?"

"No, hobosexuality. He's a bum fuck."

* * *

"Is this Thomas Knopf?" asked the voice on the phone.

"Yes it is. May I help you?"

"Yes. My wife got this crazy notion she could make a living as a prostitute and she started turning tricks."

"This is Thomas Knopf with one f. I'm a financial planner. You want Dr. Thomas Knopff with two F's. He's a psychiatrist and right below me in the phone book."

"No, it's you that I want. I need you to help me invest all the money my wife's making."

* * *

A man has his wisdom teeth pulled and his wife visits right after the operation. She walks into the hospital room and he says, "Honey, yer beautiful." She kisses him gently on the cheek and leaves. An hour later, she reenters and he says, "Honey, you look like shit today."

"Whatever happened to: Honey, yer beautiful?"

"I guess the drugs are wearing off."

* * *

A woman visits the gynecologist and says, "My piss is coming out in four streams."

He props her up in the stirrups and goes down for a peek. He starts laughing uncontrollably. She says, "This isn't funny. This is a serious gynecological condition."

"Serious? I don't think so. Just give me a minute or two to fish that button out."

* * *

The young lady rushed into the living room and said to her father, "Chuck asked me to marry him."

"Congratulations."

"But I told them I just couldn't leave you and mom."

"I'll be fine," he said. "You can take your mother with you."

* * *

The waiter asked the couple on their first date what they wanted to eat. The lady said, "I'll start with the oysters, then French onion soup, a Caesar salad, rack of lamb, a lobster tail, and start preparing an order of chocolate crepes for dessert."

"Jesus," said the man, "do you eat like this at home?"

"No," she said. "But no one at home is going to lick my pussy and fuck me for an hour."

* * *

"Sir, I respectfully ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

"What do you do for a living, boy?"

"I manage a steakhouse."

"My daughter has grown up with the best of everything. She has a very demanding sense of fashion and style, and I've always had a problem keeping her in clothes."

"I know what you mean, I got that problem myself."

* * *

"Honey, we've been married a year and you have yet to suck my dick."

"That's because you wouldn't respect me if I did."

"Yes I would."

"No. You wouldn't."

"Yes I would."

Convinced, she pulls his pants down then kneels and gargles on his cock. He comes on her tonsils and the phone rings. He answers it and says to his wife, "It's for you, cocksucker."

* * *

"Grounds for divorce?" asked the Judge.

"She won't do it doggie-style, your honor," said Brad.

"That's a relatively minor objection, Mrs. Morrison," said the Judge. "Every couple must compromise a little in the bedroom."

"When he says doggie-style, your Honor. He means on the front lawn."

* * *

A husband comes home from the bar and the wife says, "You've come home fucking half-loaded again?"

He says, "That's just because I run out of fucking money again."

* * *

"Honey," said the wife, "do you remember those marlin you went fishing for down in Florida last summer?"

"Yeah?"

"One of them just called. She's pregnant."

* * *

A man walks into his bedroom to see his wife sucking another man's cock. "Who the fuck is this?" he screams.

She spits out the guy's dick and says to her husband, "Now that's a fair question." Then to her lover, "What is your name?"

* * *

"You came home from work, found your wife sucking a strange man's dick. Then you pulled out a pistol and shot your wife. Is that correct?"

"Yes Judge, it is."

"Just out of curiosity, why did you shoot your wife, and not her lover?"

"I figured getting the bitch out of the way would be easier than shooting a man every other day."

* * *

A man who just moved to Seattle walks into the local bar and orders a triple scotch. "Troubles?" asks the bartender.

"I think my wife is having an affair with a younger man."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because we just moved to Seattle from Dallas and we have the same paperboy."

* * *

How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?

You buy a used car for your teenaged son and find her panties in the back seat.

* * *

A man brought his golfing buddy home to get something to eat. He walks in and his wife is fucking the UPS guy on the living room couch. The man and his friend walk to the kitchen and the husband calmly starts making two sandwiches. "What about the UPS guy?" asks the friend.

"Fuck him; he can make his own sandwich."

* * *

What's the difference between a job and a wife?

After five years the job still sucks.

* * *

A wife says to her husband, "If you don't buy me a new wardrobe I'll start running around the neighborhood naked. What will the neighbors think then?"

"They'll think I married you for your brains."

* * *

The husband strolls in to discover his wife sucking his best friend's dick. "No point," says the friend, "fighting over this. I'll play you a game of cribbage for her."

"Okay," says the hubby, "but let's play a dime-a-hole to keep it interesting."

* * *

Right in the middle of fucking his wife the husband stopped and said, "Are you all right?"

"Yes, why?"

"You moved."

* * *

A woman returns home from a business trip; and her husband and six year old son greet her at the door, "Mommy, mommy the neighbor lady came over last night. Daddy took off all her clothes and they lay down on the couch."

She asks her husband, "Is this true?"

Her husband was speechless, but their six year old says, "Then they did exactly what you and Uncle Ronald do when daddy is out of town!"

* * *

A women packs her bags and says, "Fuck you Fred, I'm leaving."

"That's cute," he says, "how are you going to support yourself?"

"Hookers in Atlantic City charge $250 for a blowjob. I'll get by"

"Wait," the husband runs upstairs and returns with a suitcase. "I'm going with you. I want to see how you can possibly live on $750 a year."

* * *

"Honey," she says to her fiancée, "will you still love me when we're married?"

"Probably. I've always been quite fond of married women."

* * *

The morning following their first night together the newlyweds went out for breakfast. "I'll have," said the groom, "a three-egg Florentine omelet, with rye toast and sausage. And bring some lettuce for my wife."

"Why," asked the puzzled bride, "did you order lettuce for me?"

"I want to see if you also eat like a rabbit."

* * *

"What's the matter?" said the young wife to her husband.

"I have a huge problem."

"We're married. Your problems are my problems. There is no I in this marriage only a we. Now, what's wrong?"

"We've just conceived a child with my secretary."

* * *

"How should I let you know when I want to make love?" signed the deaf bride to her husband on their first night together.

"Just pull on my penis once," he signed back.

"How should I let you know when I don't want to make love?"

"Just pull on my penis 257 times."

* * *

Joe was glued to the television set, following every game of the NBA playoffs. His wife Nancy walked into the living room and flicked off the television set, "I'm sick of sports. You haven't touched me in months. You hardly speak to me. All you do is watch fucking sports. We need to talk about sex."

"Okay. We'll talk about sex."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. How often do you think Shaquille O'Neal gets laid?"

* * *

What's Niagara Falls?

A bride's 2nd biggest disappointment.

* * *

How do you know if you're a real loser?

When you call a 900 number and the girl says, "Not tonight asshole, I've got a headache."

* * *

What you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 25 feet of garden hose?

Sweetie pie.

* * *

Why is divorce central to the American economy?

If it weren't for divorce, where would coffee shops get all their bitchy waitresses?

* * *

His last day on the job, the retiring mailman was delighted to see Mrs. Simpkins answer the door naked. She pulled his pants down and gave him a blowjob on the porch; then she took him inside and they screwed on the floor. Then she served him soup, salad, and a sandwich. As he was leaving she handed him $20. "Why," he asked, "are you paying me?"

"You can thank my husband."

"Your husband?"

"I told him you are retiring and we should get you a gift. He said, Fuck him. Give him $20. The lunch was my idea."

* * *

Why are wives responsible for every lie their husband tells them?

They insist on asking questions.

* * *

Why are women like boxers?

They don't go into action until they see a ring.

* * *

What separates the men from the boys?

Girls.

* * *

How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco?

With a crowbar.

* * *

"I never," said the mother to her teenaged daughter, "had sex until I married your father. Will you be able to say that to your daughter?"

"Absolutely," she said. "But not with such a straight face."

* * *

After getting the lovey-dovey couple squared away in their penthouse suite the bellhop asks, "Anything for your wife, sir?"

"Yes," he says, "would you bring me a postcard?"

* * *

The wife said to her maid, "I think my husband is having an affair with his secretary."

The maid said, "Are you just saying that to make me jealous?"

* * *

The day before his wedding a young man visited his fiancée. While he was waiting for her to come downstairs his bride-to-be's younger sister whispered, "I'll be upstairs waiting for you. I want you to fuck me once before you marry my sister."

The man walked outside to his car only to find his future-father-in-law leaning against it. He said, "My daughters and I devised this little test which you've passed with flying colors. Welcome to the family."

"Thank you." He got in his car and drove away, muttering, "Lucky I keep my condoms in the fucking glove compartment."

* * *

A man walked into the stationery shop and said to the young female clerk behind the counter, "I need a special greeting card. It must express a lot of respect, loyalty and sincerity; because that's what I feel for a special young woman."

The clerk sighed and went directly to a card adorned with roses with a quote from Byron on the inside. The man read the card, brushed away a tear, and said, "This is absolutely perfect. Give me two dozen."

* * *

"Are there any special requests?" asked the undertaker.

"Yes," said the wife. "I'd like you to cut off his cock and shove it up his ass."

"That's an unusual request."

"He made me take it that way for 47 years and that's the way he's going to spend eternity."

* * *

CHAPTER 4

Woman was God's second mistake.

—Nietzsche

What's the definition of wife?

Someone who will stand faithfully by your side through all the problems that you wouldn't have had if you didn't married the bitch in the first place.

* * *

Bill returns from the doctor and says, "I've got 24 hours to live." His wife bursts into tears. He wipes away the tears and makes love to her. Later in the day he says, "I only have 14 hours to live." And they make love again. They go to bed and he wakes her up in the middle of the night: "I have only 8 hours..." They make love. He wakes her again, "I have only 2 hours..."

She says, "Fuck off. Some of us have to get up in the morning."

* * *

"What would you do," asked one man, "if you bought a Hustler magazine and found your wife's picture in it?"

"Ask for my money back."

* * *

One surfer dude says to another surfer dude, "I just had this guy fuck me out of a half-million dollars."

"A half-million? What happened?"

"Dude, he wouldn't let me marry his daughter."

* * *

Did you hear about the new Playboy magazine for married men?

It's the same nude centerfold, month, after month, after month...

* * *

A man returns from his weekly poker game and says to his wife, "Pack up all your shit, I just lost you to the neighbor."

"Lost me to the neighbor? How could you do that?"

"It wasn't easy. I had to fold with a full house."

* * *

Two young newlyweds asked the hotel clerk for a suite. He said, "Would you like a Bridal?"

The bride blushed and said, "No. I'll just hang onto his shoulders until I get the hang of it."

* * *

Two expectant fathers were pacing in the waiting room. "What lousy luck," said one, "she goes into labor on our vacation."

"Fuck you," says the other, "we're on our honeymoon."

* * *

"Did you trail my husband?" the lady asked the detective.

"Yes. I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"I have pictures of him going to a bar, a disco, and a motel parking lot."

"That's fantastic. I can sue him for divorce. But what's the bad news?"

"He was following you."

* * *

What are the three stages of married sex?

When you're first married you have House Sex: you fuck in bed, in the kitchen, in the bathroom.

When kids come along you have Bedroom Sex: you lock the door and fuck only in the bedroom.

After about twenty years you have Hallway Sex: you pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck you!", "Fuck you, too!"

* * *

Sam is enjoying his newspaper when his wife whacks him in the head with a tennis racket. He says, "What the hell was that for?"

She tosses a scrap of paper at him with the name Dorothy Jean scrawled on it, "Who is Dorothy Jean?"

"It's a hot tip at the track."

Later that day she knees Sam in the balls. "Now, what was that for?"

She hands him the phone and says, "Your fucking horse just called."

* * *

Bobby drives to pick up his date in a brand new 1957 Chevy Nomad. He rings the doorbell and it's answered by Peggy Sue's father who invites him in. "Peggy Sue is not quite ready. Why don't you have a seat?"

"Thank you, sir."

"What are you two youngsters up to tonight?"

"We're gonna go to the malt shop and then to a drive-in movie."

"Why don't you two kids go out and Screw? I hear all the kids are doing it. I heard on the radio that it's the latest craze."

"What?" said Bobby.

"I know for a fact that Peggy Sue loves to Screw."

Peggy Sue came skipping down the stairs in a poodle skirt and saddle shoes. Eager, Bobby says, "Hey Peggy Sue are you ready to go?"

"I'm always ready to go, Bobby." She kissed her father on the cheek and said, "Please don't wait up for me, pops."

"Have fun kids," said Peggy Sue's father.

Half-an-hour later Peggy Sue returns. Her skirt is ripped, she's only wearing one shoe and her hair is disheveled. "Dammit Dad! It's called the Twist. The Twist."

* * *

A woman was having a passionate affair with the inspector from the pest control company. One morning they were carrying on in the bedroom when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Get your ass in the closet." She pushed him into the closet stark naked. The husband enters the bedroom to see his wife naked in bed. Suspicious, he quickly searches the bedroom and discovers the man in the closet. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the inspector replied.

"And where your clothes?"

"I'll be damned. Those fucking little moths."

* * *

MEN AND WOMEN

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a fucking pussy.

If you work too hard there's never any time for her.

If you don't work hard enough you're a good-for-nothing fucker.

If she's in a boring repetitive job with low pay this is exploitation.

If you are in a boring repetitive job with low pay you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her that's favoritism.

If she gets a promotion the ahead of you it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how beautiful she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you say nothing, it's male indifference.

If you cry you're weak.

If you don't cry you're an insensitive sonuvabitch.

If you hit her it's wife bashing.

If she hits you it's self-defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy that's domination.

If she asks it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form in frilly underwear you're a pervert.

If you don't you're a fag.

If you like women who shave their legs and keep in shape you're sexist.

If you don't you're unromantic.

If you keep yourself in shape you're vain and spend too much time at the gym.

If you don't you're a worthless fat-ass slob with no self-esteem.

If you buy her flowers you're after something.

If you don't you're not thoughtful.

If you talk about your achievements you're full of yourself.

If you don't you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache she's tired.

If you have a headache you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often you're oversexed.

If you don't want it often enough there has to be someone else.

No wonder men die before women.......They fucking want to!

* * *

A woman stood in front of a mirror and said to her husband, "I'm saggy, wrinkled, and fat. It's so depressing. Please say something nice about me."

"Your eyesight is perfect."

* * *

Al Gore and Bill Clinton were discussing premarital sex. Gore says, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I married her. Did you?"

Clinton says, "What was Tipper's maiden name?"

* * *

"What do you want for your birthday this year?" a man asked his wife. "A Jaguar? A trip to Europe? Diamonds?"

"I want a divorce."

"I sorry," he said. "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

* * *

One Englishman says to another, "Quite embarrassed last night. Meaning to purchase a ticket to Piccadilly I said, I'd like a picket to Ticcadilly."

"I know the feeling. This morning at breakfast I meant to say, Dearest Wife, please pass me the marmalade and I said, You've ruined my life you lazy fucking whore!"

* * *

Two secretaries are typing when one of them gets a dozen roses from her husband. She opens the card and says, "Dammit. They're from my husband."

"Why dammit? I think that's romantic."

"It means I'll be on my back all weekend with my legs up in the air."

"Why? Don't you have a vase?"

* * *

A woman came home to find her husband in bed with a midget. "You told me," she screamed, "there would be no more cheating!"

He pointed at the midget and said, "Hey, I'm cutting back."

* * *

On their wedding night the new bride demanded $20 for sex. Her excited husband readily agreed and paid. For the next thirty years he paid $20 a pop for sex. Then one day he gets fired. He comes home from work and tells his wife, "We'll soon be in the poorhouse."

"No," she says, "I've invested all my sex money. We own this apartment building."

"Fuck."

"I thought you'd be happy."

"If I knew you were investing it I would have given you all my business."

* * *

A man takes his wife to the State Fair and they visit the breeding bull exhibition. Over the first pen there's a sign that says, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

"He mated 50 times last year," said the wife.

The husband shrugged.

They walked on and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

"He mated 120 times! That's more than twice weekly. You can learn something from him."

The husband shrugged again and they walked to the third pen, which had a sign reading, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

"Once a day! What do you have to say about that?"

"Ask him if it was with the same old cow."

* * *

A man approached a gorgeous young woman in the supermarket and said, "I lost my wife in here. Can you talk to me for a couple minutes?"

The young woman was puzzle. "Why do you wanna talk to me?"

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits your size, my wife appears out of nowhere."

* * *

How are poker and marriage similar?

They both start by holding hands and usually end in financial loss.

* * *

Unprompted, Bill said to the man on the adjacent Stairmaster, "My wife's an angel."

"I'm jealous," said Ted, "mine's still alive."

* * *

A man lost his wang in an accident. The doctor reassured him that using the latest technology it could be rebuilt. A small-sized replacement cost $3,500; medium, $6,000; large, $11,500. "I'll take the large," said the man."

"Call your wife; talk it over."

He dialed his cellphone, talked for a minute and said, "She says she'd rather remodel the kitchen."

* * *

Following sex the man fell asleep in his girlfriend's arms. He awoke and saw the time: 4:07 am. He dialed the phone and whispered: "Whatever you do, don't pay the ransom, honey. I've escaped."

* * *

A man complained to his therapist about having two unhappy marriages. "Tell me about these marriages?" asked the therapist.

"Well, my first wife divorced me and my second one won't."

* * *

How do you know when your marriage is failing?

When you start wearing your wedding rings on your middle fingers.

* * *

A woman suffering from migraines visited a holistic doctor. He told her when she feels one coming on to stare in a mirror and repeat, "I do not have a migraine. I do not have a migraine." It worked so well she sent her husband to the doctor to see if he could cure the husband's impotence. Hubby returned from his visit, went into the bathroom and emerged with a giant erection. They fucked and he returned to the bathroom, once again emerging with a cock-as-hard-as-a rock. He was in the bathroom for the third time when she put her ear to the door and heard, "That woman is not my wife. That woman is not my wife."

* * *

What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard?

Her husband's last name.

* * *

Husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. The husband says, My wife and I never have sex. She's always too tired."

The counselor says to him, "You still want sex, right?"

"As much as the next guy."

"That's the problem," says the wife. "It's either him or the next guy."

* * *

A bystander viewed a funeral consisting of one hearse, followed closely by another hearse, followed closely by a man walking a pit bull, followed by a hundred or so men walking in single file. He yelled to the dogwalker, "What's up with the weird funeral procession?"

"My wife is in the first hearse, my mother-in-law is in the second. My dog here killed both of them."

"Can I borrow that dog?"

"Sure," he motioned to the men behind him, "get in line."

* * *

A married couple approaches a wishing well. The man tosses in a penny, closes his eyes and makes a wish. The woman leans over the wishing well, loses her balance, tumbles in and drowns. "Fucking-A," says the man. "It works!"

* * *

A man returns to his rural roots with his new wife. He's showing her where he went to school, the tree he fell out of and broke his arm, his family's old house. She says, "Where'd you first make love?"

He points to the riverbank and says, "Right down there. We just walked around the bend. She was naked and we bumped into each other. I took my clothes off and we fucked."

"That's hot."

"It would have been hotter if her mom wasn't watching."

"Her mom was watching? What did she say?"

"Baaaaaa."

* * *

"Honey," she said, "would you have married me if daddy hadn't left me $10,000,000?"

"I'd have married you no matter who left you $10,000,000."

* * *

What's the difference between a bonus and a boner?

Your wife will blow your bonus.

* * *

What's an egghead?

It's what Mrs. Dumpty gives to Mr. Dumpty.

* * *

A guy wanted to play a practical joke on his roommate. So he got an inflatable plastic fuck dolly and put it in his bed. When he heard his roommate come home he did 25 push-ups and came charging out of his room, all red-faced and sweaty. He said, "Man, you gotta take this chick off my hands, she's too hot for me to handle."

"You got it," he said, and entered the room. He returned about 30 seconds later with a confused look on his face.

"Done already?"

"Weird chick. I kissed her and got nuthin', so I bit her on the tit and she farted and jumped out of the window."

* * *

A bride, being groped by her new husband, said, "Don't be a cretin. I expect the same manners in bed as I do at the dinner table."

He sat on the edge of the bed, smiled, and said, "Please pass the pussy?"

* * *

A man, after he sprained his cock during a rough S&M session with a hooker, visited the doctor. "You gotta fix it doc. I'm marrying a virgin tomorrow."

"I'll splint it. It'll be fine."

The couple entered their bridal suite and the virgin bride ripped open her blouse, "You are the first man to see these untouched titties."

He dropped his pants and said, "Mine's still in the crate."

* * *

A man visiting Vegas got snot-flinging drunk and awoke with the ugliest woman he's ever seen. He got his wallet off the nightstand fished out $20 and put it on the pillow. He rolled out of bed and felt someone tugging at his leg hairs. He looked down and saw, naked, the second ugliest woman he's ever see. She smiled and said, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"

* * *

What's the difference between a world champion chess player and a wife?

The chess player moves every once in a while.

* * *

A hideously dirty bum walks up to a man and says, "Sir? A $20 bill would make an important difference in my life right now."

"You're not going to use it for booze or drugs, are you?"

"No sir. I don't use intoxicants"

"Gambling?"

"No sir. I've never wagered."

"I want you to come home and meet my wife."

"Why me?"

"I want the bitch to see what happens to people who don't gamble, drink, or use drugs."

* * *

A man lost his wife in a boating accident and the body wasn't immediately recovered. About a week after the tragedy two cops came to the man's door. "We've got good news and great news," said one cop.

"What's the good news?"

"We found your wife's body. When we pulled her up she had three five pound lobsters and about twenty pounds of crab on her."

"What's the great news."

"We're pulling her up again tomorrow."

* * *

A man and his wife are having sex: 15 minutes; 30 minutes; 45 minutes. Then she says, "What's the matter, can't you think of anyone else either?"

* * *

Before attending the Halloween party Mrs. Smith developed a headache and sent Mr. Smith, in his bear costume, alone. She took a nap and woke feeling just fine. She realized she could now attend the party in costume and observe how her husband behaved when she wasn't around.

At the party she saw the bear hitting on every woman in the room. She approached and propositioned him. They had sex, still masked, in the bathroom. She returned home and was waiting up for Mr. Smith when he returned; "How was the party, Darling."

"Boring as hell. I played poker all night."

"That would be a sight. A bear playing poker."

He laughed, "I gave the bear suit to my grandpa. He said he had the fucking time of his life!"

* * *

A father is walking with his three year old daughter in the park. They see two dogs fucking and the daughter says, "Stop them daddy! They're hurting each other!"

"No honey. They're making a puppy."

"Oh."

That night she stumbles into her parents' bedroom while they're fucking. "Stop it daddy! You're hurting mommy."

"No honey. We're making you a little brother."

"Turn her over. I want a puppy."

* * *

A man walked into a drugstore and asked, "Do you have condoms dusted with insecticide?"

"You mean spermicide?"

"No, insecticide. My wife has a bug up her ass and I'm going in after it."

* * *

A busybody visited her single male neighbor and said, "You're 30 and unmarried. I have a niece your age. Here's her phone number."

"I have two sisters," he replied, "who take care of me."

"There are some things sisters, um, can't take care of."

"I said two sisters. Not my sisters."

* * *

On their 40th wedding anniversary a couple returned to the hotel in New Orleans where they had honeymooned. "What did you think when you saw me naked for the first time 40 years ago?" she asked.

"I wanted to screw your brains out and suck your huge titties dry."

She took off her clothes, "What do you think now?"

"I did a pretty good fucking job."

* * *

A little boy ran into the house crying and holding his hand. "Daddy, I got a thorn in my hand get me a glass of cider."

"Why cider?"

"Because mommy says when she gets a prick in her hand she can't wait to get it in cider."

* * *

Why do married men hang strobe lights in their bedrooms?

So they can pretend their wives are moving.

* * *

What's the difference between a lover, a prostitute, and a wife?

A lover says: "Are you done?"

A prostitute says: "You're done."

A wife says: "Blue. I'll paint the ceiling blue."

* * *

On his deathbed a man called for his business partner. "Ron," he said, "I can't die without telling you that I've embezzled millions. And I've fucked your wife and both your daughters."

"That's okay. I'm the one who poisoned you."

* * *

SHEEP ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN BECAUSE:

Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.

Sheep don't have a gag reflex or upper teeth.

There is a livestock auction once a week.

You can get a better grip on a sheep's ears.

Sheep don't smell like tuna fish.

The American Woolgrower's Association is a lot nicer than the National Organization of Women.

With sheep you aren't likely to mistake a wrinkle for the real thing.

Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than herpes.

A sheep won't expect you to do your share of the cooking, dishes, laundry and then refuse to mow the lawn, fix a leaky faucet, or change a tire.

A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is.

A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.

A sheep will never break all your German beer mugs just because you fucked her sister.

A sheep will never sue you for palimony.

A sheep won't expect you to trade in your pickup for a minivan.

A sheep won't get even with you by spending your entire paycheck on new clothes, none of which are from Victoria's Secret.

A sheep will never throw out back issues of Playboy.

A sheep will never talk to your buddies about women's rights, the brutality of deer hunting, or gun control.

A sheep won't expect you to send her to grad school.

A sheep doesn't always expect you to pay the babysitter.

A sheep won't automatically assume you'll work for her father when you graduate.

A sheep won't lead you on and then tell her parents she was raped.

A sheep won't get drunk and puke in your new pickup.

A sheep doesn't assume that a weekend stay-over gives her the right to rearrange the furniture and buy new curtains.

A sheep won't care if you keep bait in the refrigerator.

Diamonds aren't a sheep's best friend.

A sheep won't call you at work to tell you she's totaled your car.

Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend.

You don't have to buy sheep drinks and dinner first.

A sheep won't ask if you'll still respect her in the morning.

A sheep doesn't mind being one of the flock.

A sheep won't discuss your pussy licking technique with the girls at the health club.

A sheep will never make you sell your pit bull just because it ate her fucking cat.

Sheep don't mind you leaving the lights on.

A sheep won't complain if it rains on the camping trip.

A sheep will never say: "You aren't as romantic as when we were dating."

Sheep don't mind mirrors on the ceiling.

A sheep doesn't complain about "No eye contact" while fucking doggy style.

A sheep won't leave her underwear soaking in the bathroom sink.

A sheep won't send you out for vibrator batteries.

A sheep won't make you call a marriage counselor.

A sheep never yells when you leave the toilet seat up.

Sheep aren't into talking before, during, or after.

A sheep won't leave you for a model, a muscleman, a massage therapist or another sheep.

A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're fucking.

A sheep will never cross her legs and say: "But we can still be friends."

A sheep will never use your razor to shave her legs.

Sheep don't get headaches.

You don't have to explain to sheep why you're home from work two hours late.

Dating a sheep is not like joining the Army: you don't get a new haircut, a new wardrobe, and someone to tell you what to do 24 hours a day.

A sheep won't give your favorite sweatpants to Goodwill.

A sheep won't leave wet nylons and panties on the shower curtain rod.

Sheep don't ask stupid fucking questions during the last two minutes of the Superbowl.

A sheep will never, ever ask you to teach them how to play poker.

A sheep will never call you at work and ask you to pick up a box of Tampax on the way home.

A sheep will never serve all your imported beer to her bridge club.

Sheep reach sexual maturity at 18 months—at that time you can sell them or barbeque them.

Sheep won't discuss the Myth of Female Orgasm at your office Christmas party.

Sheep grow their own fur coats.

Sheep like fucking in the morning.

Sheep like fucking in the back of pickup trucks.

A sheep will never use the following excuses: I'm too drunk to enjoy it; I'm not drunk enough to enjoy it; you'll wake the kids; it's too big; it's too little; it's too hot; it's too cold; it's too early; it's too late: my ex-husband used to...

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY:

A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber.

* * *

A blonde is registering to vote. The clerk asks, "When's your birthday?"

"June fifth."

"What year?"

"Every year."

* * *

How do we know that God isn't a woman?

If she were, sperm would taste like chocolate.

* * *

What are Vanna White's favorite consonants?

North and South America.

* * *

What's the white stuff you find in the bottom of a woman's underwear?

Clitty litter.

* * *

Did you hear about the blonde carpool?

They meet at work.

* * *

Did you hear about the blonde housekeeper?

Every time she got divorced she kept the house.

* * *

Why couldn't the blonde terrorist blow up the bus?

She kept burning her lips on the tailpipe.

* * *

Did you hear about the blonde that went fishing with 14 guys? They all limited out; all she got was a red snapper.

* * *

Did you hear about the blonde that was so stupid that...

She sold the car for gas money.

She couldn't eat her M&M's until they were in alphabetical order.

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought she could only use her AM radio before noon.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She flunked a breast exam.

She thought Meow Mix was a rave CD for cats.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She told her friend to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK.

She thinks Taco Bell is Mexico's phone company.

* * *

What do you get when you cross a computer with a woman?

A fucking-know-it-all.

* * *

What do Alex Haley and blondes have in common?

Black roots.

* * *

A blonde walks into a hospital and says to the receptionist: "I need to see an upturn."

"An intern."

"Whatever. I need a contamination."

"An examination."

"Whatever. Which way is the fraternity ward?"

"Maternity."

"Whatever. All I know is that I fucked this guy without a condom, I haven't demonstrated for two months and, frankly, I think I'm stagnant."

* * *

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A woman sucks harder after you slap it.

* * *

How does a blonde time her meatloaf?

With a smoke detector.

* * *

What's the best way to hide something from a blonde?

Put it in the oven.

* * *

How are an erection and birth control pills similar?

They are two things a woman can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.

* * *

What do you see when you gaze deeply into a woman's eyes?

The back of her skull.

* * *

One woman says to another woman, "Are you going to Suzie's 29th birthday party?"

"Of course. I go every year."

* * *

How do you know when your new girlfriend is a keeper?

After a blow job, you have to pull the sheets out of your ass-crack.

* * *

Have you tried the new blonde paint?

It's cheap and spreads easily, but it's not too bright.

* * *

The woman sat in the dentist chair. "I honestly don't know what I dread most," she said. "Having a root canal or having unprotected sex with someone I just met."

"Let me know when you decide," said the dentist, "so I know which way to tilt the chair."

* * *

A woman in halter top and high heels walked into the Vintage Vinyl Shoppe. "Do you," she asked, "have any Pink Floyd?"

"What I have for you," said the owner, "is an eight inch cock with protruding veins and a throbbing head."

"Is that a record?"

"Probably not, but it's better than average."

* * *

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walked into the women's locker room after a workout. Suddenly an erect cock protruded from a shower stall. The redhead said, "That's not my husband."

The brunette said, "That's not my husband or my lover."

The blonde said, "He's not even a member of this club."

* * *

Did you hear about the woman who moved from California to Mississippi?

She raised the IQ of both states.

* * *

A blonde said to her analyst: "Every time I drink I end up in a three-way or a gang-fuck and I feel guilty about it for weeks."

"It's obvious that you have to quit drinking."

"Can't you just do something about the guilt?"

* * *

A woman goes to heaven and St. Peter says, "Cause of death?"

"Herpes."

"You don't die from herpes."

"You do when you give it to Bubba."

* * *

An American woman in France is raped by a gang of twelve men. The local police chief is shocked and embarrassed and says, "We will, madam, apprehend all twelve suspects."

"Don't bother," she says. "Just get number two, number seven and number nine."

* * *

CHAPTER 5

Men are superior to women. For one thing, they can urinate from a speeding car.

—Will Durst

How are Tampax and cheerleaders similar?

They are both stuck up cunts.

* * *

What do you give to the woman who has everything?

Penicillin.

* * *

"How was the movie?" one woman asked another.

"Terrible. I had to change my seat four times."

"Was a guy groping you?"

"Eventually."

* * *

At a wild Christmas party a woman is surprised in a darkened room. "Jesus, Freddy you've never fucked me up the ass before."

"That's because I'm Teddy."

* * *

What did the blonde get on her S.A.T.?

Nail polish remover.

* * *

Why don't blondes use vibrators?

They chip their teeth.

* * *

The Brit entered a department store in Orlando to buy some personal stationery and asked the young blonde clerk, "Do you have notions?"

"Absolutely, but I have to wait until my lunch hour."

"You misconstrue, I mean do you keep stationery?"

"No," she said, "I buck like a fucking pony until I come and then I just quiver all over."

* * *

"Okay, blondie," said the cop to the woman walking through the park, "you're under arrest for indecent exposure."

"But officer, I'm wearing a two piece suit."

The cop said, "Sandals?"

* * *

The blonde called the OB-GYN's office, "Did I leave my panties there?"

"No."

"Okay, I'll try the dentist's."

* * *

The blonde coed returned to her dorm and said to her roommate, "What a great night. Everyone said Zach and I were the hottest couple on the floor."

"I thought you weren't going to the homecoming dance?"

"We didn't. Zach took me to an orgy."

* * *

Did you hear about the blonde actress who was so stupid she moved to Hollywood and fucked a writer?

* * *

What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?

A padded dashboard.

* * *

What's another blonde idea of safe sex?

Locking the car doors.

* * *

A blonde confided to her roommate, "Our engagement really upset his family."

"Why?"

"I don't know. But his wife was particularly pissed."

* * *

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A golden retriever.

* * *

How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

By the M&M shells all over the floor.

* * *

What do you call a stork that delivers a woman?

A dope peddler.

* * *

A blonde mother is talking to her blonde daughter, "What kind of person is your new boyfriend. Is he respectable?"

"Very. He's polite, doesn't drink, is married and has three well behaved children."

* * *

What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

Sometimes the legs on an ironing board are hard to open.

* * *

A blonde goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I literally hurt everywhere."

"Show me."

She touches her toes, "Ow"; her nose, "Ow"; the back of her hand, "Ow"; her thigh, "Ow". "What's wrong with me, Doc?"

"You've broken your index finger."

* * *

Why don't blonde cooks double their recipes?

Their ovens don't go up to 650 degrees.

* * *

What female personal-ad-lingo really means:

Adventurous—Will fuck your friends.

Athletic—No tits.

Contagious Smile—Has herpes.

Emotionally secure—On lithium and/or Prozac.

Friendship first—Reformed hooker.

* * *

A blonde burst into her house, "Honey, someone just stole your corvette."

"Did you see who did it?"

"No, but I got the license plate number."

* * *

A blonde always wanted to make love on horseback but her boyfriend, also blond, wasn't good with horses. But she finally convinced him and they were both getting into it and BAM! Just before they reached simultaneous orgasm the manager of the Wal-Mart unplugged the horse.

* * *

What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?

"Way to go guys!"

* * *

A woman gets home from work early and sees her husband fucking the neighbor on the living room floor. "Harry," she says, "what the hell are you doing?"

Harry says to the neighbor, "I told you she was fucking stupid."

* * *

How are a woman and a toilet seat similar?

Without the hole down the middle neither would be worth a shit.

* * *

What's the best way to part a woman's hair?

With your tongue.

* * *

How are Paris Hilton and Kansas similar?

They are both flat, white and easy to get into.

* * *

Why were Paris Hilton's parents so upset when they saw her sex video?

The towels in the background said ECONO LODGE.

* * *

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?

Rebel without a clue.

* * *

A blonde and a brunette live in the same apartment building. The blonde woman always sees the brunette in the elevator with a variety of handsome and obviously rich men. One day it's just them in the elevator and the blonde asks, "How do you attract so many gorgeous men?"

The brunette flips her head and her beautiful hair cascades. She says, "Head and Shoulders."

The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"

* * *

Why is Vanna White such a positive role model for blondes?

She knows the alphabet.

* * *

What do you call a woman who loves anal sex?

A no-holes-barred girl.

* * *

"The man next to me is jacking off," said the blonde to her girlfriend as they sat in the movie theater.

"Ignore him."

"I can't," said the blonde. "He's using my hand."

* * *

Why'd do blonde babies have such big heads?

So they don't fall out during when their mother is walking down the aisle at the wedding.

* * *

What do a blonde and a postage stamp have in common?

You lick them, stick them, and send them away.

* * *

What do a blonde and a doorknob have in common?

Everyone gets a turn.

* * *

What do a blonde and a pie have in common?

Everybody gets a piece.

* * *

What do a blonde and railroad tracks have in common?

They're spread all over.

* * *

Why did the blonde girl refuse to wear her training bra?

The wheels irritated her armpits.

* * *

What do a blonde and an ice cream cone have in common?

Everybody gets a lick.

* * *

The gynecologist said to his blonde patient, "The vibrator, somehow, is wedged in sideways. Removing it will involve a delicate and expensive operation."

"I can't afford that," said the woman. "Couldn't you just change the batteries?"

* * *

What do a woman and a folding chair have in common?

Both are useless unless their legs are spread.

* * *

Why did the blonde bake her chicken for a week?

The recipe said to bake for an hour-and-a-half per pound and she weighed 125.

* * *

A blonde got a job collecting sperm from turkeys for artificial insemination. She approached one tom turkey who said, "Gobble, gobble, gobble."

"I'd love too," she said, "but you're getting a hand job just like everyone else."

* * *

The traffic judge asked the blonde, "What gear were you in when you ran over the old lady in the crosswalk?"

She said, "Gucci pumps and a Donna Caran red silk, mid-calf dress."

* * *

A robber burst into a bank with a gun and demanded that everyone strip naked and lay face down. Everyone complied, but the blonde teller lay down on her back. "Miss Henshaw," whispered the bank's president, "This is a robbery, not an office party."

* * *

Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?

To cover up the valve stem.

* * *

A brunette secretary says to a blonde secretary, "Our boss sure dresses well."

"Quickly, too."

* * *

Why'd the blonde take a ruler to bed?

To see how long she slept.

* * *

Why do blondes never go bald?

The vacuum inside their cranium holds the hair on.

* * *

A blonde went deer hunting with her husband. Alone in the middle of the woods he had a heart attack. She dialed 911 on the cell phone, frantically, she said, "What do I do?"

The operator said, "First calm down. Is he dead or alive?"

The operator heard a gun shot, and then the blonde said, "Okay, now what?"

* * *

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?

She opens the car door.

* * *

What does a blonde say after sex?

"Are all you guys on the same team?"

* * *

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

She drives home.

* * *

A bum walks up to a blonde and says, "I haven't eaten in a week."

"God," says the blonde, "I wish I had your will power."

* * *

Two blondes are working out, side-by-side, on Stairmasters. They are sharing private and personal information about their married lives. One of them says, "Last week, I caught my husband sucking a cock."

"That's funny."

"What's so funny about that?"

"That's how I caught my husband!"

* * *

Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?

Stirrups.

* * *

Why did the blonde get a tattoo of a snowman on the inside of her left thigh and a turkey on the inside of her right thigh?

Because her husband complained there's never anything to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

* * *

The blonde's mother-in-law found her three month old granddaughter in a foul and shitty diaper. "What the hell," she screamed, "are you doing to this child? You have to change the diapers."

"But on the box," said the blonde, "it said they were good for 15-20 pounds."

* * *

Why did the woman go to the nude beach?

To snatch a few rays.

* * *

A blonde walks into a lawyer's office and says, "I want to divorce my husband."

"On what grounds?"

"He's not been faithful to me."

"What evidence do you have?"

"I don't think he's the father of my child."

* * *

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So the President can understand them.

* * *

Why'd the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

She was throwing away the "W's"

* * *

How did the blonde make it through Stanford in three years?

She had a fine faculty for lovemaking.

* * *

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool.

* * *

A ventriloquist is putting on his show when he launches into a tirade against blondes: "What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen? Farfrumthinkin'. What's the difference between a blonde and a swallow? A swallow won't swallow. How do you keep a blonde occupied? Put her in a round room and tell her to go masturbate in a corner."

A blonde in the front row stands up and says, "This has been a nice, family oriented show. Until NOW! There are blonde doctors, lawyers, teachers, Latinas, Blacks, Jews, Irish, and Native Americans—when you tell a blonde joke you are insulting society as a whole."

The ventriloquist says, "I've never looked at it like that before. You're right. I'm sorry."

The blonde says, "Shut the hell up, I was talking to the little guy."

* * *

A blonde walks into the house and says to her husband, "There's something wrong with the car."

"What now?"

"I think it has water in the intake manifold."

"You don't even know what an intake manifold is. What makes you think it has water in it?"

"Because I drove it into the swimming pool."

* * *

How do you get a blonde to marry you?

Tell her she's pregnant.

* * *

Did you hear about the blond coyote?

He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.

* * *

Why do blondes like cars with sunroofs?

More leg room.

* * *

Dirty Johnny walks into a bar and says, "Pour me a double Crown Royal with a beer back."

The female bartender says, "Do you want to get me into trouble?"

"Maybe later, but right now I just need a fucking drink."

* * *

A woman walks into a bar with a toy poodle on a leash. She sits down at the bar and orders a martini. A drunk walks up to the bar and vomits all over the dog. The drunk looks down at the dog and says, "I really don't remember eating that."

* * *

A realtor walks into a bar and says, "Give me a scotch. Double."

"Problems at work?" asks the bartender.

"If I don't sell more houses this month I'm going to lose my ass." He notices a young lady two stools down and says, "Sorry for the obscenity."

"That's okay," she says, "if I don't sell more ass this month I'm going to lose my house."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a double Hennessey. "Problems at home?" asks the bartender.

"The wife."

"Well," says the bartender, "all I can tell you is that marriage is a barrel that's filled halfway with honey and the rest of the way with shit."

The man finishes his drink and says, "I must have opened my barrel upside down."

* * *

A woman walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Anything exciting happen on your blind date last night?"

"Yes. His dog fucking bit me."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of tequila. The bartender says, "Having troubles at home buddy?"

"Yeah," he said. "I'm jealous of all the time my Irish Setter spends with my wife."

"I can't believe you're jealous of a dog."

"I have my reasons."

"Like what?"

"The other night, I caught her douching with Gravy Train."

* * *

Two gynecologists walk into a bar. Each of them order a beer. The first one says, "I had a 19 year old patient this morning with a clitoris like a pickle."

"Green like a pickle or big like a pickle?"

"Sour like a pickle."

* * *

A lady walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "My husband has lost all interest in love making. Every night, I wear his favorite nightgown; high in the front and low in the back. It used to drive him crazy when he saw me in it."

The bartender says, "Put it on backwards tonight. It'll have a lower front and a higher back. It'll mix things up a little bit."

"I'll try that," she pays, tips and leaves.

She walks into the bar the next day and says, "It didn't work."

"Really?" says the bartender

"Yeah. I walked out of the bathroom and said, 'Sweetheart, do you notice anything different tonight?' He said, 'I sure do. The skid marks are on the front of your nightgown.'"

* * *

A woman walks into a bar and orders a mimosa. A man sits next to her and says, "I'd love to get into those panties of yours."

"Flattering," she says, "but I've got one asshole in there already."

* * *

A man walks into a bar orders an MGD and sits next to an old friend. The friend says, "Were have you been? I haven't seen you in here in months."

"I've been working and going to night school."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to be ignorant no more. Do you know when World War II started?"

"No."

"September 1st, 1939. Do you know who Eli Whitney was?"

"No."

"He invented the cotton gin. Do you know who Yuri Gagarin is?"

"No."

"He was the first man in space. See, you don't know nothing. You're ignorant."

"But I do know who Johnny 'Boom Boom' Parker is."

"Who's he?"

"Boom Boom Parker is the big-dick-motherfucker spending a lot of time with your wife while you're at night school."

* * *

A blonde stewardess walks into a bar and says, "A triple Grey Goose in a water glass. No ice."

The bartender pours the drink and says, "Are you okay? You're shaking."

"I just flew in from Portland. We had engine failure and went into a 30 second freefall before the pilot got the engine restarted."

Trying to make points the bartender says, "Did your entire sex life pass before your eyes?"

"Hell no," she said, "we only fell 15,000 feet."

* * *

Two women on the prowl walk into a bar. They spot a handsome but glum looking guy sitting alone. One of them walks up to him and says, "You don't look happy."

"I just got out of jail," he says, "and I'm having trouble adjusting to life on the outside."

"Why were you in jail?"

"I beat my wife to death with a nine iron, dismembered her with a chainsaw, and fed her to the neighbor's Great Dane."

The woman signaled for her friend to come over, "He's single!"

* * *

An old man walks into a bar for his afternoon drink. "How's life treating you, Mr. Miller?" asks the bartender.

"Pretty good. Me and my wife are having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know, we get a little each month, but not enough to live on."

* * *

"What did you do in Italy?" asks the bartender.

"You know the old saying, When in Rome do what the Romans do?"

"Yeah."

"I fucked an American tourist."

* * *

A redneck walks into the local bar and orders a shot and a beer.

"So what have you been up to Bobby?" asks the bartender.

"Hanging out at the whorehouse," he says.

"Getin' your rocks off?"

"Nope. Just visiting mom and sis."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey John, how was your 25th wedding anniversary?"

"Great. I took my wife to Disney World."

"What are you going to do on your 30th?"

"Well, I suppose I could go pick her up."

* * *

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "What a beautiful bunch of women you have in here. That's a solid six over there."

The bartender said, "She's a one. Tops"

"Yeah, but check out that chica. She's at least an eight."

"Maybe a three."

"Are you crazy? If Bo Derek is a ten the one over there is at least an eight."

"Bo Derek? I rate them by how many Clydesdales it would take to drag them off my fucking face."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "You just had oral sex with your wife didn't you?"

"Does my breath smell?"

"No."

"Pubic hair on my chin?"

"No."

"Then how do you know?"

"There's shit on your nose."

* * *

Three politicians walk into a bar and have several drinks. When the subject of sex comes up. The Republican says, "I like my wife on the bottom. That's the way God intended it to be."

"I like my wife on top," says the Independent. "In sex as well as in politics, I like to mix it up a little."

"I like my wife," says the Democrat, "to be out of town."

* * *

After drinks at the singles bar the couple went home and got naked. He stuck his cock in and she started laughing. "What's so funny?"

She said, "It's just that your organ is so small."

"It's big enough," he said. "It just wasn't meant to be played in a fucking cathedral."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Double shot of tequila. In fact, make it two double shots of tequila."

"Problems buddy?"

"Yeah. I have to divorce my wife."

"What for?"

"Yesterday was our anniversary. I took her to the Hyatt Regency and ordered a bottle of Dom Perignon."

"So?"

"I poured us each a glass and made a toast: To the finest piece of ass in the city."

"Perhaps a tad crude, but I see nothing wrong with that. Why are you going to divorce your wife?"

"Because three waiters, a busgirl, and the maître d' joined in on the on the toast."

* * *

A city slicker walks into a Texas bar in the frontier days. He doesn't even order a drink. He walks up to a lady sitting at the end of the bar and says, "I will give you ten bucks to suck my dick."

The bartender immediately pulls out a pistol and unceremoniously shoots the city slicker dead. The lady says, "Thank you, sir, for defending my honor."

"Fuck your honor lady. Ain't no city slicker gonna raise the price of cock sucking in Texas."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and joins into a conversation with two guys who are debating which has the most frigid wife. Dave says, "My wife comes to bed with an ice pack for her sore neck. She puts it on, and in the morning the ice is still frozen."

The next guy sips his beer and says, "Last week my wife brought a hot water bottle to bed and put it between her legs. In the morning, it was ice water."

The newcomer slams back a shot of Jim Beam and says, "When my wife spreads her legs, with clothes on, the furnace kicks on."

* * *

A young lady walks into a bar and has a glass of wine. Then another; then another. She and the young bartender are bonding and when the conversation turns serious. He asks her, "What do you want out of life?"

She deliberates a moment, then says, "All I want is four animals."

"Four animals?"

"Yes: a mink on my back, a Jaguar in my garage, a tiger in my bed, and a complete jackass to pay for it all."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a stunning woman. "Before I spend a fortune wining and dining you tonight, I'd like to know how you stand on oral sex?"

"I don't stand. I kneel."

"Bartender?" he says, "Your best champagne please."

* * *

A man in the Bahamas walks into a bar and propositions a hooker, "How much?"

"Thirty dollars."

"You're on, let's go to the beach."

They walk out to the deserted strand and she climbs on top. They fuck like potbellied pigs and right before he comes she blasts a tremendous fart. He shoots his load, gives her a pat on the ass and hands her $50. She says, "I said it was $30."

"The extra $20 is for blowing the sand off my balls."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, a round for the house on me."

"What are you celebrating?"

"My wife just ran off with my best friend."

"What's his name?" asks the bartender."

"Don't know. I haven't met the poor dumb bastard."

* * *

A man walks into a bar by himself but orders a bottle of champagne and two glasses. He walks down to the end of the bar where a beautiful brunette, legs crossed, sits saucily upon a bar stool. He pours two glasses of champagne touches the rim of his glass to hers and says, "If I got you drunk and we fucked would you call for help?"

"Depends," she asks, "do you need help?"

* * *

A man walks into a bar and slams three photographs down on the bar. He says to the bartender, "What do you see in this picture?"

"That's me and your wife dancing."

"What do you see in this picture?"

"That's me in your wife making out in the back seat of my car."

"What do you see in this picture?"

"That's your wife sucking my dick at the beach."

"So what do you have to say for yourself?"

The bartender pauses, then says, "I'll take an 8-by-11 glossy of the last one and wallet sizes of the first two."

* * *

A man walks into a whorehouse bar and says, "I need to get laid and I like it kinky."

"That would be Doris. Right down the hall."

He barges down the hall and bursts into the room. Expecting a leather clad dominatrix he is surprised by a demure, fully-clothed young woman knitting. "I'm looking for Doris."

"I'm Doris."

"Kinky Doris?"

"Yep."

"Let's get started. Take off your clothes."

"Nope. We do it one way. My way." Doris popped out her glass eyeball and says, "Right here."

"In your eyesocket?"

"Yep."

"What the hell." So he puts his pecker into her ocular socket and she blinks-and-winks him to the best orgasm of his life.

He pays, tips and says, "Next time I'm in town, I'll look you up."

Doris says, "I'll keep an eye out for you."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and says to the beautiful female bartender, "Do you want to fuck?"

She hits him over the head with a bottle of Jack Daniels. He pulls himself to his feet, wipes away the blood and says, "So I suppose a blow job would be out of the question?"

* * *

A 300 pound lady walks into a bar with a poodle on a leash. The bartender says, "Where'd you get that pig?"

She says, "You cretin it's not a pig, it's a poodle."

"I was talking to the poodle."

* * *

A redneck walks into a bar and orders two shots of white lightning. The bartender says, "Drowning your sorrows again Barnie?"

"Exactly. My girlfriend's father said that if I added five plus one correctly I could marry his daughter. Well, I don't go for any of that married shit, so I said that one plus five is 15."

"Good thinking, that was a close call."

"The fucker said it was close enough."

* * *

A woman walks into a bar and orders a Crème de Menthe. She says to the bartender, "I'm in a bit of a pickle here. May I bend your ear?"

"Sure," he says. "Shoot."

"I have two boyfriends. One is an animal in bed. And on the floor and in the backseat of the car. He satisfies my every sexual desire and fantasy."

"Wow," says the bartender. "That's something."

"But the other one is sophisticated, intelligent, giving, and considerate."

"Well," says the bartender, "sex is sex, but if you're looking for a long-term relationship, what's wrong with the second guy?"

"He's gay."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a Manhattan on the rocks. And I need to ask you a question."

The bartender pours the drink and says, "What do you need to know?"

"Are there any good girls in this town?"

"All the girls in this town are good."

"Then," he asks, "how far is it to the next town?"

* * *

Jimmy, a regular customer, walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender notices that Jimmy has a big swollen knot in the middle of his forehead. The bartender says, "What the hell happened to you?"

"I was fucking my wife doggy style in the backyard when she ran under the porch."

* * *

George walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "G-g-g-give me a B-b-b-budweiser. No g-g-glass."

The bartender opens the beer, serves it and says, "Little bit of a problem with a stutter there?"

"N-n-n-no f-f-f-fucking shit."

"I used to stutter," says the bartender, "but I found a surefire cure."

"Wh-wh-what? I'll d-d-do anything."

"Simple. I just had my wife suck my cock three times in a row."

The stutterer finishes his beer and leaves. The next day he returns and says, "G-g-g-give me a B-b-b-budweiser. No g-g-glass."

"Didn't you try my cure?"

"Actually, I d-d-did, but it didn't w-w-work. And by the way, you h-h-have a l-l-lovely apartment."

* * *

A redneck walks into the local watering hole and orders a shot-and-a-beer. "How's the new wife?" asks the bartender.

"There's a little bit of newlywed friction."

"What's wrong?"

"I have a problem with my new wife ordering around my teenaged sons from my first marriage."

"Why?"

"Because she's 12."

* * *

CHAPTER 6

Women all talk at the same time—they know before hand there's nothing worth listening to.

—Yiddish Proverb

A man walks into a bar and sees his ex-girlfriend. "Hey," he says, "I was screwing my new girlfriend last night, but I was thinking about you."

"Why? Do you want to get back together?"

"No. It keeps me from coming too quick."

* * *

Two brothers, who married twins, walk into a bar and order a pitcher of Michelob. "So what did you get Cindy for her birthday?" asks the older brother.

The younger brother says, "I got her a diamond necklace and a BMW."

"Why two gifts?"

"If she doesn't like the diamond necklace she'll have a brand new car to drive to the jewelry store and exchange it. What did you get Wendy?"

"A pair of pink fuzzy slippers and a carrot."

"That's an odd combo."

"Not really. I figure if she doesn't like the slippers she can fuck herself."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a double John Jameson. Without being asked he says to the bartender, "The Vietnam War ruined my fucking life."

"Where'd you serve in Nam?" asks the bartender.

"I didn't."

"Then how could it have ruined your life?"

"My wife's first husband was killed there."

* * *

A man who is dating the bartender's daughter walks into the bar and says, "Your daughter loves me. She says she can't live without me. She wants to marry me."

"Are you asking for permission to marry my daughter?"

"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me the fuck alone."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I've just gotten engaged!"

"Congratulations," says the bartender. "To whom?"

"To Allison, she's a waitress at the steakhouse downtown."

A man on the adjacent bar stool says, "Allison? Blonde waitress, with curly black pussy hair and a tattoo of a cock on her ass?"

"Yes. That's the one."

"I've fucked her about 500 times. I've gotten her drunk, brought her to parties and passed her around to my friends. Allison's pulled more trains than a locomotive. I remember one night after the steakhouse closed the bartender got her drunk and shoved an empty wine bottle up her cunt."

"That's her!" He turns to the bartender and says, "A drink for my friend over here. He knows my fiancée."

* * *

A man walks into a bar, orders a White Russian and asks the bartender, "Have you ever taught anyone to swim?"

"Yeah. It's a pain in the ass. You have to coddle and coax them to overcome their fear of the water. Who are you teaching?"

"My wife."

"Just push her off the end of the fucking pier. She'll catch on."

* * *

A lady walks into a bar and orders a Mojita. An extremely handsome young man sits next to her and says to the barkeep, "Make it two. On me."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

They have a couple of rounds; the conversation is lively. This young man is different from anyone else she's ever met. Smart, witty, funny, articulate, and a complete gentleman; she decides that he will be her next husband. "Let's go back to my place," she says.

"I'm really not that kind of guy, but I'll tag along for the conversation."

They proceed to her place and over brandy snifters she confesses, "I want you for my husband."

"Great," he says. "Which room is his?"

* * *

A hooker walks into a bar and says, "I'll buy a drink for anybody who can top this:

Three plus three is six,

Six plus three is nine;

I can guess the length of yours,

But you can't guess the depth of mine."

A decrepit old drunk at the end of the bar perks up and says:

"Three plus three may be six,

and six plus three may be nine.

I bet you I can piss in yours—

but you can't piss in mine."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a double Old Overholt and slams it down. "Tough day?" asks the bartender.

" I got fired from the grocery store."

"What did you do?"

"The boss caught me sticking my big fat cock into the meat slicer."

"Why would you want to do something like that?"

"She asked me to."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and spends his entire paycheck getting snot-flinging drunk. The barkeep says, "Your wife is going to hit the ceiling when you get home, Fred."

"I know," says Fred. "Thank God she's a lousy shot."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and, with a huge smile on his face, orders a glass of champagne. "Why so happy?" asks the bartender.

"My sex life has improved 100% since my wife and I got single beds."

"Really? How can that be?"

"Hers is in Cleveland; mine's in Pittsburgh."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a double. The bartender says, "Marriage problems?"

"Yes." He shakes his head, "My wife and I were perfectly happy for almost 40 years."

"Then what happened?"

"We met."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a Budweiser. "Bartender, may I ask you a question?"

"Certainly."

"I didn't fuck my wife my wife before I married her. Did you?"

"I don't know. What was her maiden name?"

* * *

A man walks into a bar with a beautiful woman on his arm. "Bartender, a bottle of Cristal and a dozen oysters."

"Going," asks the bartender, "for that oysters equals virility thing?"

"Yep."

The woman says, "That's just a myth. He had a dozen of them yesterday and only nine of them worked."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and approaches a female patron. "Excuse me, "he says, "do you know the difference between a 45 minute blow job and a cheeseburger?"

"No."

"What are you doing for lunch?"

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a martini. He slams it back and orders another. The bartender says, "What's the problem?"

"My girlfriend just dumped me."

"Why?"

"Because I have a four-inch penis."

"That is a little small."

He finishes his martini and says, "Wide."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders two double brandies. He slams one down and proceeds to pour the second one on his hand. The bartender says, "Why'd you pour that brandy on your hand?"

"I'm trying to get my date drunk."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to an older woman, "What do I need to do to have you come home with me tonight?"

"I'm not looking to be involved with one particular guy right now."

"That's why I'm asking you," he says. "I'm not that particular."

* * *

A woman walks into a bar and says, "I need someone to make me feel like a woman."

The young bartender immediately strips off his shirt, revealing a stripper's body. He hands the shirt over the bar and says, "Iron this."

* * *

A woman walks into her local bar. "I can tell that you aren't happy with your husband," says the intuitive barkeep.

"No," she says, "I'm not."

"Why'd you marry him?"

"It was a case of opposites attract."

"Pardon?"

"I was pregnant; he wasn't."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a gimlet. He says to the bartender, "Who's that hot redhead?"

"Giselle? She charges $200 for a straight lay."

"What about the woman sitting next to her?"

"Patty? Best $110 cock munch in town."

"What about the brunette in the corner?"

"Louise? $500 for around the world."

"Jesus, don't you have any women in this town that haven't been turned out?"

"Sure. But I can't afford to date them."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a drop-dead-gorgeous woman. He says, "What do you want in a man?"

She says, "I like Native American men; also Jewish men; but I have a soft spot in my heart for rednecks." She sips her Campari and soda, "You're kind of cute. What's your name?"

"Geronimo," he says. "Geronimo Goldfarb, but my good friends just call me Bubba."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders an entire bottle of Jim Beam. The barkeep says, "If you're trying to drown your sorrows it never works."

"I know," he says. "I can't get the bitch nowhere near the water."

* * *

A woman walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, what time is it?"

The bartender says, "Three-fifteen."

"You know I've been asking that question all day and I get a different answer each time."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of Wild Turkey. "Celebrating?" asks the barkeep.

"I just had oral sex for the first time."

"Congratulations. Let me buy you a beer."

"No thanks," he points to the three shots. "If this don't get the taste outta my mouth nuthin' will."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of vodka. "Tough day?" asks the bartender.

"I just found my best friend fucking my wife. I told her to pack up her shit and hit the bricks."

"What did you say to your best friend?"

"Bad doggy."

* * *

A married couple walk into a bar. They see her ex-husband drinking double martinis. She says to her husband, "He's been drinking like that since he left me seven years ago."

He says to his wife, "Don't be absurd, no one celebrates that much."

* * *

The young winner of the Pro-Am golf tournament walks into a bar. He meets this voluptuous golf groupie and they retire to her place. He fucks her brains out and starts to leave. "I fucked Ernie Els," she said, "and he didn't quit that soon."

So he fucks her again and starts to leave.

"I fucked Phil Mickleson and he didn't quit that soon."

So he climbs back on and fucks her again.

He starts to leave and she says, "I fucked Tiger Woods and he didn't quit that soon."

"Lady," he says, "what is par for this hole anyway?"

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders bourbon on the rocks. The bartender serves it. The man sips and notices the ice cubes have holes in them. "Hey," he says to his neighbor, "these ice cubes have holes in them."

He says, "I've been married to one of those for 11 years."

* * *

A woman walks into a bar and orders a margarita. When asked by the bartender if she'd like another drink, she said, "No my husband limits me to one drink."

"Why?"

"Because after one drink I can feel it. After two anyone can."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a double Grand Marnier. "Problems at home?" asks the bartender.

"My fiancée and I just broke off our engagement."

"Why?"

"Would you marry someone who sucked everyone's cock? I mean, sucked everyone; strangers, co-workers, little boys?"

"Hell no."

"Neither will my fiancée."

* * *

A midget stripper walks into a bar and applies for a job. "I don't see the need for a midget stripper," says the bartender, "who would you entertain?"

"All the people," she says, "under the tables."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders an Irish coffee. He picks up a newspaper, reads and says to the bartender, "It says here that there are over a million battered women in the United States."

"Huh," says the bartender, "and to think I've been eating them plain all these years."

* * *

A man walks into a small town bar. He has just ordered a burger and a half-pitcher of Spaten when a fire engine screams by. He drains the beer and says to the bartender, "Cancel the burger. I have to go."

The bartender asks, "You're a volunteer fireman?"

"I'm not. But my neighbor's husband is."

* * *

A man walks into a bar with his mistress. After three drinks he asks: "What would you do if I knocked you up and then abandoned you?"

"I love you so much. I can't live without you. I'd probably shoot myself."

He says, "Good girl."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a double Cuervo Gold. He slams it and says to the bartender: "My wife and my best friend just drove off in my new Jeep Cherokee."

"That's terrible," says the bartender. "You just bought that Jeep, didn't you?"

* * *

A man walks into a bar and sees his best friend in a body cast, sitting in a wheelchair, drinking Budweiser through a straw. "Jesus, George! What happened?"

"You know that cute little redhead that moved in across the street from you?"

"Yeah."

"Last Tuesday, around four, I was fucking her when her construction worker husband comes home and breaks my spine in six places."

"Well, it could be worse."

"How?"

"If he comes home two hours earlier it's me in that fucking wheel chair."

* * *

Julius Caesar walks into a bar in Rome. The bartender pours him a tankard of the finest Syrian wine and asks, "Caesar, what is your favorite sexual position?"

Caesar replies, "LXIX."

* * *

A woman walks into a bar and a drunk accidentally-on-purpose bumps into her and cops a feel. She walks up to the bartender, a gay guy from Florida. She orders a Cinzano and says to him, "Horny men are all alike."

He says, "What a coincidence. Horny men are all Ah like too."

* * *

A man walks into a bar, orders a Crown Royal rocks and says, "I just fucked a blind hooker."

The bartender says, "I've never heard of a blind hooker."

"Yeah. You gotta hand it to her."

A man walks into a bar on Ladies Night and says, "Two thousand dollars to anyone who'll let me fuck them my way."

A girl says, "What the hell?"

They leave together and drive to a motel. Once inside the room he feels her up, strips her naked and goes down on her. He takes his clothes off. Obviously excited, she says, "What is your way? Doggy, anal, sixty-nine?"

He pushes her down on the bed, inserts his cock and whispers, "On credit."

* * *

A man walks into a bar, orders a Glenfiddich and says to the bartender, "Barney, I just can't figure my wife out. She's so moody; I'm walking on eggshells in my own house."

"Get her," says Barney, "a mood ring."

"Great idea." He finishes his drink and leaves. A week later he walks in and orders a Glenfiddich.

"How is," asks Barney, "that mood ring working out for you?"

"Pretty good. When she's sad it's green; when she's happy it's blue; when she's pissed off it leaves a big fucking red mark in the middle of my forehead."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders coffee. "No scotch today?" asks the bartender.

"No, I'm too depressed to drink. My wife has cut my sexual activity down to once a week. Saturday morning from 8:00 to 8:15."

"Don't feel badly. I know five or six guys she's cut off completely."

* * *

A man walks into a bar, right up to a beautiful woman and asks, "May I buy you a drink?"

She shouts, "I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!"

Everyone staring, he walks away and orders a Corona. Five minutes later she approaches his table and says, "Look, I'm sorry. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm writing a paper on how people react to unexpected stress in public."

He shouts, "TWO HUNDRED BUCKS FOR A BLOWJOB? ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?"

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders an Amstel Light. The bartender says, "What's shaking, Harry?"

"My girlfriend just walked out on me."

"There's plenty of other fish in the sea."

"Yeah, but this one took all my bait."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and sees his wife's ex-husband. The ex-husband says, "How does it feel, sleeping with a used woman?"

"Feels real good. Especially since it was so easy to get past the part you used."

* * *

A man walks in a bar and sees Jimmy Kimmel at the end of the bar. "Hey Jimmy," he says, "I manufacture lingerie. How about giving me a plug on your show?"

"Depends. What's in it for me?"

"I'll send you a top-of-the line black silk teddy."

"Like I said; depends upon what's in it for me."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and decides to treat himself to a $150 shot of Louis XIII. The bartender heats a snifter, pours the drink and says, "That'll be a dollar."

"A dollar?"

"Yeah."

"Why only a dollar?"

"Because I'm doing to the owner of this bar what he's doing to my wife every Tuesday night while I'm at work."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and sees the same beautiful woman he's seen there for the last two months. He walks up to her and says, "Please come home with me?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm remaining chaste until I find my true love."

"That must be difficult."

"It's not so bad for me, but it's really pissing off my husband."

* * *

A man and his wife walk into a bar and proceed to get pleasantly drunk. She says, "I'm tipsy. You can do anything you want with me tonight."

So he dropped her off at her mother's and went back to the bar.

* * *

George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a bar and order scotches. The barman serves them and says, "What brings you to this dive bar?"

"We're planning World War III. We're going to kill a whole lot of civilians and a beautiful woman with big tits," says Cheney.

"Why kill a woman with big tits?" asks the barman.

"See George," says Cheney, "I told you no one would care about the civilians."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He says to the man next to him, "I am so upset. I can't believe what creatures of habit we humans are."

"Say what?"

"I just got married. We screwed and I got up, opened my wallet and left $100 on the pillow."

"Jesus, I can see why you're upset."

"It's not that. The bitch gave me back $50 in change."

* * *

A man walks into a bar with an attaché case and a sexy and stunning woman. He buys a round and tips the bartender $1000. "Wow," says the barkeep, "You must be the luckiest guy in the world. A beautiful woman and money."

"I'll show you how lucky I am." He opens the attaché case and extracts a small piano, a piano stool, and a man about a foot tall, dressed in a tuxedo. The man in the tuxedo bows, sits on the stool and plays a Chopin etude.

"Wow," says the bartender, "where'd you get the piano player?"

"I found a lamp in a closet, rubbed it and a genie popped out. Three wishes later I had the world's sexiest gal, $10,000,000, and a 12 inch pianist."

* * *

A beautiful young lady walks into a biker bar and orders a Bud Lite. She drinks half of it and slumps to the bar, passed out. So the bikers lay her on the pool table, pull down her pants and, one-after-one, pull a train. They prop her back up on the barstool where she awakes, finishes her beer, pays, tips and leaves. She returns the next day, orders another Bud Lite and the same scenario unfolds. She returns the next day—the bar is overflowing—and says, "Tanqueray tonic, please."

"What," says the bartender, "no Bud Lite?"

"No," she says, "there's this funny thing about Bud Lite."

"What?"

She says, "It makes my pussy sore."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple Jack Daniels. "You must have had a helluva day," says the bartender.

"Yeah," he says, "I found out my older brother's gay."

Next day, same time, "Give me a triple Crown Royal."

"Another bad day?"

"Yeah, I found out my younger brother is gay."

Next day, same time, "Give me a triple Captain Morgan."

"Doesn't," says the bartender, "anybody in your family eat pussy?"

"Apparently," he says, "my wife does."

* * *

A woman walks into a bar, orders a Tuaca, drinks it and says, "I don't have any money, but I'll show you my twat."

"Sure," says the barkeep. She pulls up her dress and he says, "Christ lady, don't you have something smaller?"

* * *

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I think my wife's cheating on me."

"I have," says the bartender, "a brother-in-law who owns a pet store and he has this parrot that is like a tape recorder. Put him in your bedroom and he'll tell you exactly what's been going on."

"Sounds good."

"There's only one problem, this bird doesn't have any legs. So you have to help him down from his perch to eat, drink, and crap."

"I'll do it. She's driving me crazy."

The man gets the bird, sets it up in the bedroom and goes off to work. He returns that evening and says, "Okay bird, what happened today?"

"Braaak. Pool boy in the bedroom, braaak."

"What happened?"

"Kissing. Braaak."

"What happened then?"

"Your wife took off her clothes. Braaak."

"What happened then?"

"Braaak. Don't know. Got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender what's up with the old guy in the corner booth who's surrounded with beautiful women. "I don't get it myself," says the barkeep. "Sully's not rich; not handsome. He's over 70; he just sits there all day, licking his eyebrows."

* * *

A woman walks into a bar and says, "Bring me a beer."

"Anheuser-Busch?"

"Fine," she says. "And how's your cock?"

* * *

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the female bartender, "Knock knock."

She replies, "Who's there?"

"Emerson."

"Emerson, who?"

"Emerson pretty big tits you got there."

* * *

A lady walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Get me a glass of champagne." And then she bursts into tears.

"What's wrong?" asks the bartender.

I went to the grocery store today and the courtesy clerk looked up my skirt and said, "I'd like to fill your pussy with beer and drink it."

"What does this courtesy clerk look like?" asks the bartender.

"Why? Are you be going to be chivalrous and kick his ass for me?"

"No. I just wanna meet somebody who could drink that much beer."

* * *

A man walks into a bar, sits next to a beautiful woman and asks, "Can I paint you in the nude?"

She says, "Sure, but I'm not a model."

"That's okay, he says, "I'm not a painter."

* * *

Why doesn't Smokey Bear have any children?

Because every time his wife gets hot he throws dirt on her and beats her with a shovel.

* * *

A lady brings her Schnauzer to the vets. The receptionist asks her what's wrong with the dog. The lady shows her the dog's ear, which has an ingrown hair. "I'll save you some money," says the receptionist. "Just go down to the drug store and get some hair remover and rub it on the dog's ear. You won't need to see the doctor."

"Thanks." She goes to the drug store and says to the clerk, "Do you have hair remover?"

"What kind, lotion or spray?"

"What's the difference?"

"You use the lotion for armpits. Rub it on and wait five minutes. Rub it off. But don't wear anything tight-fitting for a day."

"It's not for my armpits."

"Then use the spray for your legs. Spray it on. Wait. Wash it off. But don't wear nylons for a day."

"It's not for my legs either."

Confused, the clerk says, "What is it for?"

"It's for my Schnauzer."

"Use the lotion. But don't ride a bike for a couple of days."

* * *

"What's the most unusual pet you have?" asked the lady.

"I have a frog that," said the pet store owner, "loves to eat pussy."

"I'll take it."

She's back the next day, "I want my money back."

"Why?"

"He didn't eat anything except some flies."

"You must be doing something wrong. Let's go to your place."

They do and he says, "Show me exactly what you did." She takes off her clothes, sits on the bed and places the frog in front of her twat.

Nothing.

The guy picks the frog up, hands it to the woman. He kneels in front of her spread legs and says to the frog, "This is the last time I'm going to show you."

* * *

A zookeeper brought his wife to the zoo. In front of the gorilla cage he told her, "Strip. I'll unlock this cage and I want you to go inside."

"Why?"

"I want you to tell him you have a fucking headache."

* * *

The wolf leapt out of the bushes and said to Red Riding Hood: "I'm gonna eat you."

"Crissakes," she said, "doesn't anybody just fuck anymore?"

* * *

A veterinarian's daughter matriculating at Stanford wrote home for money for a mountain bike. But the bike store was right next to a pet store that had the cutest little capuchin monkey in the window. She bought the monkey, but it got sick and started losing his hair. She called her dad and said, "All the hair is falling off my monkey. What should I do?"

"Sell that goddam bike."

* * *

What's a lap dog?

An ugly woman who gives great head.

* * *

How do you say pussy in Chinese?

Tung Chow.

* * *

What's the difference between a wife and a house cat?

One is a finicky eater that doesn't give a shit about your personal well-being and the other one is a house pet.

* * *

What did the male spotted owl say to the female spotted owl?

"What do you mean you have a headache; we're an endangered fucking species."

* * *

How does a woman get rid of cockroaches?

She asked them for a commitment.

* * *

A man wakes up and his wife says, "Jesus Christ, Roger! You look terrible I'm taking you to the hospital."

"But I feel fucking fantastic. I'm going to work."

He walks into his office and his secretary gasps, "Roger? Are you okay? You look terrible. You must see a doctor."

"But I feel fucking fantastic. I'm going to work."

An hour later his boss sees him and says, "You look terrible. I'm taking you to the hospital."

"But I feel fucking fantastic."

"I insist. Get in my car."

So they drive to the hospital. As soon as they enter the building Roger is mobbed by attendants, strapped to a gurney and whisked away to the emergency room. The ER doctor takes one look at him and says, "You look terrible."

"But I feel fucking fantastic."

"I need," says the doctor, "to look this up." He opens a thick medical book and, thumbing through the pages says, "Looks terrible: feels fantastic. Looks terrible: feels fantastic. Looks terrible: feels fantastic. Aha! Here it is. Sir, you are a vagina."

* * *

CHAPTER 7

Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer...the great question that has never been answered: What does a woman want?

—Sigmund Freud

What do you say to a woman with two black-eyes?

Nothing, you've already told her twice.

* * *

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be open when the bitch brings it.

* * *

Two cows are standing in the field. One says, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you."

"It's true," she insists. "No bull."

* * *

Why don't men give women a second thought?

Because the first thought pretty much covers it.

* * *

A zebra escaped from the zoo and wandered onto a farm. She asked a cow, "What do you do?"

"I supply milk and butter."

She walked up to a hen, "What do you do?"

"I supply eggs."

She walked up to the bull and asked, "What do you do?"

"Slip out of those silly fucking pajamas and I'll show you."

* * *

Farmer John borrowed his neighbor's bull and assigned his son to watch and make sure that the bull serviced both the white cow and the brown cow. After 20 minutes of observation the little kid popped his head into the house and yelled, "Dad, the bull just fucked the white cow."

"Why don't we use the term surprised the brown cow next time."

A half-hour later he popped his head into the house and dad asked him, "Did the bull surprise the brown cow?"

"Sure enough did," said the kid. "He fucked the white cow again."

* * *

What do a turtle and a prostitute have in common?

If they are on their backs they're fucked.

* * *

Why do dogs rub their noses in women's crotches?

Because they can.

* * *

Why did God make a twat smell like a fish?

Because he made come look like tartar sauce.

* * *

Where does virgin wool come from?

Ugly sheep.

* * *

If storks bring babies what kind of bird brings no babies?

The swallow.

* * *

What do you call a female turtle?

A clitortoise.

* * *

How do you know when you're really ugly?

Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

* * *

A lady took her collie to the vet and said, "Every time I wear Chanel No. 5 this dog puts his front paws up on my shoulders and humps me until he comes."

"I'll make an appointment to have him spayed."

She said, "No. Just trim his nails and see if you can do something about his breath."

* * *

A newlywed arrives home after work to find his wife in tears. "Honey, what's wrong?"

"I made my vegetarian tofu lasagna for you. When I took it out to cool the telephone rang and while I was talking to my mom the cat ate it."

She continues sobbing and the husband takes her in his arms and says tenderly, "Don't worry honey; we'll get a new cat in the morning."

* * *

What's the longest sentence in the world?

"I do."

* * *

What's the difference between a condom and a coathanger?

Foresight.

* * *

The serial rapist/murderer abducts yet another seven year old girl. They are walking deep into the woods when she says, "I'm scared."

"You're scared?" he says. "It's going to be dark soon and I have to walk back to the car alone."

* * *

What would be the best part about having a female vice-president?

We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

* * *

What's the difference between a woman and a car battery?

The battery has a positive side.

* * *

Three boys were arguing why their dicks have heads. The first says, "It gives you more pleasure."

The second said, "It gives the woman more pleasure."

The third said, "It keeps your hand from slipping off."

* * *

Who is the most popular dude at the nude beach?

The one who can carry a dozen bagels and two cups of coffee.

* * *

Who's the most popular chick at the nude beach?

The one who can eat a dozen bagels.

* * *

Why'd the man give his girlfriend a serious tongue-lashing?

Because she'd forgotten to take her birth control pill.

* * *

The sorority girl noticed the indentation of an M on her roommate's stomach. "How'd that get there?"

"I met this jock, and it turns him on to make love in his letterman's sweater."

"Where's he go to school. Minnesota? Michigan?"

"Wisconsin."

* * *

Why'd the Japanese hooker go broke?

No one had a yen for her.

* * *

Did you hear about the ugliest girl in the world?

Peeping Toms would reach in the window and pull her shades down.

* * *

Despite rumors, why is a Laundromat a terrible place to meet women?

Because any bitch who can't afford a washer and dryer will never be able to support you.

* * *

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

* * *

How do you know when a female is about to say something smart?

She starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."

* * *

How do you fix a woman's wristwatch?

No need to; there is a clock on the stove.

* * *

When will women finally be equal to men?

When they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are five pushups away from a shot at a super model.

* * *

After driving her into the country the man pulls over and makes the usual advances. "Knock it off," she says. "I'm a hooker, just give me $50 and get it done."

He does; and she does and he pulls his pants up and just sits there. She says, "Let's get back to town."

"Knock it off," he says. "I'm a cab driver, just give me $50 and I'll get it done."

* * *

Doris the whore died of a heart attack while on the job. The girls gathered around waiting for the coroner. "Poor Doris," said Lois, "she could suck 20 dicks for lunch, drink a case of beer, and still show up on time for her night shift."

"Why," sobbed Terry, "do you have to die before someone says something nice about you?"

* * *

Did you hear about the new store that only sells dildoes?

It's called Toys for Twats.

* * *

What's the difference between parsley and pussy?

No one eats parsley.

* * *

Mrs. Bloom walks into the butcher shop: "I want a duck and it better be fresh."

"They're all fresh," says the butcher."

"I'll be the judge of that. Give me that one."

He does and Mrs. Bloom spreads the duck's legs and sniffs: "Not fresh. Give me that one."

He does and she spreads the duck's legs and sniffs: "Not fresh. Give me that one."

He does and she spreads the duck's legs and sniffs again: "Not fresh. Give me that one."

"Lady," says the butcher, "could you pass a test like that?"

* * *

An Austrian girl arrives in New York. She gets on the wrong subway train and disembarks in a dangerous neighborhood. She is stalked by a dozen gang members who jump her and start to rape her. She screams, "Nein, nein, nein."

Three of them left.

* * *

A woman calls in sick to work and her boss says: "What's wrong?"

"I have anal glaucoma."

"What's that?"

"I just can't see my ass coming into work today."

* * *

When is an elf not an elf?

When he's munching his girlfriend's pussy. Then he's a goblin.

* * *

What's the difference between male and female snow people?

Snowballs.

* * *

Two guys go to the nudist colony. They're hanging out at the pool when a stacked, 30-something hottie with string-bikini-tan-lines walks by. "Check that out," says one.

"Oh yeah," says the other, "I bet she looks fucking great in a bikini."

* * *

Why should you never smoke when you're inside a pussy?

You'll burn your mom.

* * *

Did you hear about the drunk who used alcohol as a substitute for women?

He got his dick stuck in the bottle.

* * *

A virginal high school senior decides he has to get laid before he graduates, so he asks out Loose Lois. Everyone has scored with her. So they go to the drive-in and he says, "Lois? Can I put my arm around you?"

"Sure."

"Can I kiss you?"

"Sure."

"Can I look up your skirt?"

"Sure."

So he gets a Bic Clic, lights it and goes down for an inspection tour. He comes up with a quizzical look on his face. "Can you pee through that thing?"

"Of course."

"Well you better, cuz it's on fire."

* * *

Why are hurricanes named after women?

Because they arrive wet and wild and leave with your house and car.

* * *

"Mommy, do people go to heaven feet first?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"Because the neighbor lady had her feet up in the air and she kept saying Jesus, I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming! And I bet she would have if daddy wasn't on top of her."

* * *

Robert the French Fighter pilot picks up a woman at a bistro and brings her back to his apartment. They are kissing, but he stops suddenly and opens a Macon Blanc, saying, "I am Robert the French fighter pilot, and when I enjoy the fine white flesh I need the fine white wine. He pours the wine down her neck, onto her breasts and licks it all off. Then he removes her bra and opens a bottle of Grenache Rose. "I am Robert the French fighter pilot and when I enjoy the fine pink flesh I need the fine pink wine." He pours this on her nipples and licks them clean. He pulls down her pants, douses her snatch with Grand Mariner, lights a match and sets her bush aflame.

She screams, "You crazy goddam Frenchman, what the fuck are you doing?"

"I am Robert the French fighter pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames."

* * *

A British Lord woke up with an enormous erection. Seeing the bulge in his pajamas the valet says, "Shall I summon your ladyship, Sir?"

"No, just bring me my baggy tweeds. I shall smuggle this one into town."

* * *

What are the three stages of a man's sex life?

Tri-Weekly, Try-Weekly, and Try Weakly.

* * *

How do you tell a good girl from a bad girl?

A good girl's motto is: "It's hard to be good."

A bad girl's motto is: It has to be hard to be good.

* * *

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

There is no way anyone is ever going to get a three-an-a-half-inch floppy into a woman.

* * *

Research has recently revealed that there are female hormones in beer. Six men each drank a six-pack and all of them talked non-stop without making sense, gained weight, became overly emotional, couldn't think rationally, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize even when proven wrong.

* * *

A young woman bought a book entitled What Women Really Want? As soon as she got it home her boyfriend grabbed it and started leafing through it. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Seeing if they spelled my name right."

* * *

Watson rings Holmes' doorbell. A minute later a flustered and partially dressed Sherlock answers the door. "Why so disheveled, Holmes?"

"I was upstairs consorting with a schoolgirl, Watson."

"What kind of schoolgirl would sleep with you?"

"Elementary, Watson. Elementary."

* * *

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged on the shaft.

* * *

Holmes and Watson are walking down the street and they pass three women on a park bench eating bananas. "Morning ladies," says Holmes.

"Do you know them?" asks Watson.

"No. I do not know the nun, the hooker, or the new bride."

"How do you know for certain that they are nun, hooker, and newlywed?"

"The manner in which they eat their bananas, of course. The nun breaks off pieces with her hand, the hooker swallows it whole, and the new bride holds the banana in one hand while using the other to push her open mouth toward the banana."

* * *

What's a cross dresser's idea of a good time?

Eat, Drink, and be Mary.

* * *

What's the highlight of the bulimia convention?

When the cake comes out of the girl.

* * *

A secretary tells her boss; "I've found a new position."

"Great," he says, "close the door and show me."

* * *

What do electric trains and titties have in common?

They are made for kids but men like to play with them.

* * *

Why do men masturbate?

Because it's sex with someone they love.

* * *

What did the blind man say when he walked by the fish market?

"Morning, ladies."

* * *

A man sees an ad in the New York Times that reads: "Wanted: Pussy Shaver." He calls and it's an XXX film maker who needs a guy to shave the actresses' pussies. He arranges an interview. The film producer says, "So can you be in Philadelphia Tuesday?"

"I thought you were in New York?"

"I am, but the line of applicants stretches to Philadelphia."

* * *

How do you make pickle bread?

You use dildo.

* * *

An actress bursts into a producer's office, rushes past the secretary and says to the mogul: "I'll do anything to get into movies."

"Well," he said, unzipping his pants, "you can start by sucking my dick and if you're any good at that I promise I'll put your name up in lights."

She drops to her knees and gives him a knee buckling blowjob.
The next morning she's jogging past the Roxie Theater and she reads the marquee:

CINDY KARLSON IS A DANDY LITTLE COCKSUCKER!!!

* * *

What's the difference between a woman with a yeast infection and Buffalo New York?

The woman with the yeast infection has more culture.

* * *

Did you hear about the Divorced Barbie?

She comes with all of Ken's shit.

* * *

"Did you hear," said one actress, "that Debra Jones is remarrying?"

"I guess," said the other, "it was one of those divorces that just didn't pan out."

* * *

A hippie family—mom, dad, and seven year old daughter—are taking their morning shower together. The little girl points at her mother's breasts and says, "Momma, when will I get some of those?"

"In about five years. But I have to leave for work now."

She leaves and the girl points at her father's schlong, "Dad, when will I get one of those?"

"In about five minutes when your mom leaves for work."

* * *

A retired admiral puts on his old uniform and picks up a hooker. They're rolling around in bed and he wants to hear some reassurance, so he asks, "How am I doing?"

"Three knots Admiral. You're not hard; you're not in; and you're not getting your money back."

* * *

What's the downside to a threesome?

You run the risk disappointing two women.

* * *

An actress cast in the latest Indiana Jones film twisted her ankle jumping from a train, bruised her spleen in a fight scene, had a lip split open by a microphone boom, was stung by killer bees and bitten by a snake—all in the first two days of the shoot. On the morning of the third day she walked up to the director and said: "Who do I have to fuck to get out of this picture?"

* * *

The police were interviewing the secretary of a man who had just jumped out the window of his 30 story office. "I've only been here three weeks," she said. "At the end of the first week he gave me $100 cash bonus and a kiss. At the end of the second week he gave me $200 and patted me on the ass. Today he told me he couldn't live without me and wrote me a check for $1000. He bent me over his desk and screwed me from behind and then asked me if the $1000 was enough."

The cop said, "What did you tell him?"

"I told him it was more than enough: I only charged all the other guys in the office $5. That's when he jumped out the window."

* * *

Two guys are talking at the office water cooler. Zeke says, "I just don't talk to the girls in the office anymore. Anything you say these days can be construed as sexual harassment."

"I know what you mean. I haven't spoken to a female co-worker since 1995," said Brett. "I just grope them."

* * *

Why are women like diarrhea?

Both of them irritate the shit out of you.

* * *

Why are bankers good lovers?

Because they know a woman with no principle draws plenty of interest.

* * *

What do spaghetti and women have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

* * *

A famous stage actor removed his pants prior to sex with an actress he'd picked up at a cast party. She saw the size of his trouser trout and whistled in appreciation. "My dear," he said, "we have come to bury Caesar; not to praise him."

* * *

A man takes his blind date to the amusement park. "What do you want to do?" he asks.

"I want to get weighed."

So they get weighed and he asks, "What do you want to do now?""I want to get weighed."

"We just got weighed. What do you want to do now?"

"You wousy wittle bastard. I said I want to get weighed."

* * *

Two business partners had an affair with the same secretary. She became pregnant and they decided, most civilly, that they would contribute equally to the mother and child's welfare. On the day of the birth one went into the delivery room as the Lamaze coach, the other stayed in the waiting room. His hospital gown stained with tears the Lamaze coach returned to the waiting room.

"What's wrong?"

The Lamaze coach said, "We had twins. Mine died."

* * *

Doctor Marshall enters Mrs. Smith's maternity room with a newborn baby and throws it against the wall: SPLAT! Mrs. Smith screams, "That was my BABY!"

"Don't worry," says the doctor. "It was stillborn."

* * *

A doctor enters the maternity ward and says, "I have good news and bad news."

"What," asks the mother, "is the good news?"

"You've given birth to a giant eye."

"A giant eye? What's the bad news."

"It's blind."

* * *

Fred crashes his motorcycle and his cock has to be amputated. But, as luck would have it, a baby elephant just died and the doctor grafts the elephant's trunk in place of Fred's missing member. After the operation Fred visits a restaurant where he's had his eye on this hot waitress. He asks her out.

"Fuck off," she says.

"It'll be worth your while."

"Prove it."

He unzips his pants and this huge cock/trunk comes out, grabs a sourdough roll off the table and disappears.

"Wow," she says. "Do that again."

He does: it snakes out then retreats.

"Show me that one more time and I'm yours."

"I'd love to but I don't think I could fit another roll up my ass."

* * *

How do you fit four elephants in a Volkswagen?

Two in the front; two in the back.

* * *

Seriously, can you get four elephants in a Volkswagen?

Hell no. It's hard enough getting a little pussy in one.

* * *

A family visits the zoo and at the elephant cage the bull elephant has an enormous erection. Little Johnny says, "Mommy, what's that?"

"That's nothing."

Dad says, "Son, I got that bitch spoiled."

* * *

Dirty Johnny got an electric train for Christmas. He quickly assembled the train and began playing conductor: "All aboard, you assholes. All whores sit on the aisle, that will facilitate all the cock sucking you'll be doing today."

"Johnny," said his mother, rushing in from the kitchen, "you turn that train off and sit in the corner for a half hour. Using language like that!"

A half hour later Johnny switches his train back on and says, "Good day and welcome to DJ railways. I hope you enjoy your journey; if there are any complaints about the delay in service you can talk to the fucking bitch in the kitchen."

* * *

A behavioral psychologist devised an experiment to test how quickly children can associate color with taste. The experiment consisted of placing a bowl of Life Savers in front of a group of second graders. After a few tries the kids would say: "Red...Cherry. Yellow...Pineapple. Green...Lime, Orange...Orange."

Then he gave them a honey Life Saver, but none of them could identify it. He said, "I'll give you a hint. This flavor is something your mommy calls your daddy."

Dirty Johnny said, "Spit them out! He's feeding us assholes."

* * *

Dirty Johnny says, "Dad, what's a pussy look like?"

"Before sex, Johnny," says Dad, "the pussy looks like a beautiful fragrant rose."

"What's it look like after sex?"

"Have you ever seen a Char Pei puppy eating mayonnaise?"

* * *

Dirty Johnny walks into a whorehouse, flashes a stolen credit card and says to the Madame, "You got any sluts in here with gonorrhea?"

"Slimy Suzie. Room six."

Johnny pays and fucks Suzie. She asks him, "Why did you want a hooker with gonorrhea?"

"This means I've got gonorrhea, right?"

"Right."

"Which means when I fuck my sister tonight she'll have gonorrhea?"

"Right."

"And when the gardener fucks her tomorrow he'll get gonorrhea?"

"Right."

"And when mom fucks the gardener she'll get gonorrhea?"

"Right."

"That's why I did it."

"Why do you want your mother to contract gonorrhea?"

"Because that bitch won't let me have a puppy."

* * *

"Dirty Johnny," asks his mom, "why is grandma the only person you'll let take you to the bathroom?"

"Her hand shakes."

* * *

Dirty Johnny goes into a whorehouse, pays for a girl and goes upstairs. He drops his drawers, displaying an enormous two foot erection. The girl says, "You are not putting that monster in me! But for $5 I'll kiss it."

"Fuck that," said Dirty Johnny. "I can kiss it."

* * *

Dirty Johnny's teacher said, "Use the word beautiful in a sentence."

Suzie says, "My mom is beautiful."

Tommy says, "My teacher is beautiful."

Johnny says, "My older sister told my dad she was pregnant and he said, "Beautiful. Just fucking beautiful."

* * *

Dirty Johnny runs into his house while his dad is watching basketball on TV. He says, "Mom just got hit by a bus."

Dirty Johnny's father says, "I told you not to make me smile when my lips are chapped."

* * *

Dirty Johnny's neighbor is remodeling the house and Johnny loves spending time over there, watching the workmen. "Tell me, Johnny," asks his mom, "what did you learn watching the construction workers?"

"If the motherfucking door don't fit you pull the bastard down and shave a cunt hair off each side. Then you hang the cocksucker back up."

"That's terrible language," says his mom. "Go out back and find me a switch."

"Fuck you," says Johnny, "that's the electrician's job."

* * *

Dirty Johnny was listening at his sister's bedroom door while she fucked her new boyfriend. She said, "Oh baby. You're going where no man has gone before."

"Damn," said Dirty Johnny. "He must be fucking her in the ass."

* * *

Before the teacher entered the classroom Dirty Johnny wrote cock on the chalkboard. The teacher entered the classroom and immediately erased what he had written. The next day, Dirty Johnny wrote cock on the chalkboard. The teacher entered the classroom and erased what he had written. The following day Dirty Johnny wrote cock. The teacher came in and began to erase it when Dirty Johnny said, "It'll just keep getting bigger if you keep rubbing it."

* * *

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on the door and it's answered by Dirty Johnny. He asks, "Is your daddy home?"

"Yes. But he's out back fucking a goat."

"Doesn't your mother mind?"

Johnny smiles and says, "Naaaaaaaa."

* * *

Mrs. Thurman visited the doctor to have him treat the bruises and contusions on her knees. The doctor asked, "How did you get beat up like that?"

"It's from fucking doggy style in the backyard."

"Don't you know any other sexual positions?"

"I do," she said. "But my German Shepard doesn't."

* * *

CHAPTER 8

A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on the way out.

—L. Ron Hubbard

Why do doctors slap newborn babies?

To knock the cocks off the stupid ones.

* * *

Gene Simmons walks into a doctor's office and sticks out his tongue. All three nurses go, "Ahhh..."

* * *

What's the difference between a dentist and a gynecologist?

The teeth.

* * *

Why do most women prefer elderly gynecologists?

Their hands shake.

* * *

A woman walks into a bar and announces, "I will do anything for anybody for $200."

The bartender hands her $200 and says, "Paint my house."

* * *

Two women have closed down the local bar and are walking home when they have to pee. So they hopped the cemetery wall for some privacy. They had no toilet paper so they bent over a wreath of flowers and wiped. The next morning one husband called the other, "The girls were up to no good last night. Mine came home with rose petals stuck to her ass."

"Consider yourself lucky. Mine came home with a We Will Never Forget You card wedged up her cunt."

* * *

Two men walk out of the bar at closing time. "I just hate getting home after two o'clock in the morning. I have to sneak in the front door, close it softly, take my shoes off, tread upstairs and try to slip into bed; but my wife always wakes up and gives me holy hell."

"You're going at it all wrong. Open the front door then slam it shut, stomp up the stairs, rip off your pants and say, 'Honey we're gonna fuck all night long.'"

"But that would wake her up for sure."

"Yeah, but she'll pretend to be asleep."

* * *

Two Irishmen walk into a bar and begin arguing about whose wife is uglier. "I live," says one, "right around the corner, let us go settle this once and forever."

They reel drunkenly to his house and enter the kitchen. The Irishman stomps on a trap door and yells, "Bridget, get your ugly arse up here."

"Shall I be wearing the canvas sack over me head?"

"No. I'll not be fucking you tonight; I'm just trying to win a bet."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and strikes up a conversation with the friendly bartender. They discuss sports, current events, and of course the conversation touches upon sex. "What," asks the man, "is your favorite sexual position?"

"I like the rodeo position."

"Rodeo? I've never heard of the rodeo position."

"You get your wife on all fours and start fucking her from behind. When she starts to come you lean forward and whisper in her ear, This is your sister's favorite position. And then you try to hang on for eight seconds."

* * *

Two lesbians walk into a dyke bar and order shots and beers. At the other end of the bar an attractive young lady waves at them and blows them a couple of kisses. One lesbian says to the other, "I would like to go yodeling in her gully."

"No you wouldn't," says the bartender. "She's hung like a donut."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Do you like fat women, with bad hair and varicose veins?"

"Of course not."

"Then why are you fucking my wife?"

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a Heineken. "Anything else?" asks the bartender. "Yeah," he says, "I want to buy that douche bag sitting at the end of the bar a drink."

"At this bar," says the bartender, "we treat women with respect."

"I'm the customer and the customer is always right. I want to buy that douche bag a drink."

The bartender walks down to the lady and says, "That gentleman at the end of the bar wants to buy you a drink. What will you have?"

"Oh," she says, "just make me a vinegar and water."

* * *

A dyke walks into a crowded bar one night, slaps down $100 and says, "I bet you my dildo can do anything a man can do."

The bartender picks up the $100 and says, "Gentleman, your next round is on this dildo."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman. "I've never done this before," he says, "but may I buy you a drink?"

"Certainly," she says.

He orders two margaritas and says, "I've never done this before, but what's your name?"

"My name is Carmen."

A spark and some friendly conversation ensue, then she says, "I told you a little fib. My name isn't Carmen, it's Clara."

"Carmen is such a pretty name, why'd you choose it?"

"I've always wanted to be called Carmen because I think that our names should reflect our passions. And I am passionate about fast cars and men. Carmen. What's your name?"

He sips his drink and says, "Beerfuck."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a double Wild Turkey. "Troubles at home?" asks the bartender.

"I married a twin and last night I fucked her sister by mistake. I have to get a divorce."

"C'mon, there has to be some difference between them."

"There is. That's why I'm getting a divorce."

* * *

A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "My second wife just died and I swear on all I consider sacred that I will never marry again."

"How'd your first wife die?"

"She ate some poison mushrooms."

"Wow. How'd your second wife die?"

"A gunshot wound to the face."

"How'd that happen?"

"She wouldn't finish her fucking mushrooms."

* * *

Colonel McBride enters the bar of his proper English club, and a former subordinate comes by and says, "Colonel, I heard you buried your wife."

"Thank you for the condolences."

Another former colleague approaches and says, "Colonel I heard you buried your wife."

"Thank you for the condolences."

And yet another former subordinate approaches and says, Colonel. I heard you buried your wife."

"Had too," says the Colonel. "Dead, you know."

* * *

A dominatrix walks into a bar and says, "I can whip any man in the house."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot-and-a-beer. He says to the bartender, "I think my wife's contemplating an affair. She's just listless in bed."

"You can't let that happen," says the barkeep. "Go home right now. Rip her clothes off and put it to her. Show her that you are the man!"

He's back 43 minutes later.

"How'd it go?" asks the barkeep.

"She was still indifferent about the sex, but her bridge club sure enjoyed the show."

* * *

A lady walks into a bar wearing a low cut blouse. She sits, orders a lemon drop, and pulls out a cigarette. She places the butt between her pouting lips, leans forward and says to the bartender, "Match?"

He checks her left tit; then her right tit and says, "Perfectly."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I only see you with hot chicks. What's your secret?"

"I have a surefire icebreaker. I walk up to a girl and say, 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' And she says, 'What?' And I say, 'Particularly nice weather?' Then we start talking about the outdoors which leads to talk about the-birds-and-the-bees and I just let nature take its course."

"That's a great idea. I'll try it on the next broad who walks in here." A beautiful young lady enters and he approaches her and says, "You wanna fuck?"

"I beg your pardon!"

"Looks like rain."

* * *

Making his rounds in the maternity ward an obstetrician notices an unusually small child. He asks the nurse, "Premature?"

"No, test tube."

"Just goes to show," he says, "spare the rod, spoil the child."

* * *

A lawyer comes home and finds his partner in bed with his wife. "You asshole," he screams, "I have to, but you?"

* * *

An oil tycoon says to his lawyer, "Not only do I want a divorce, I'm suing that bitch for breach of contract."

"You don't own her. You can divorce her, but you can't sue her for breach of contract."

"I'm not her owner, but when I married her I expected exclusive drilling rights."

* * *

What does alimony stand for?

Alimony is a contraction. It's short for All My Money.

* * *

"What a day," said the gynecologist is he finished seeing his 37th patient of the day.

"You must be tired," said his receptionist.

"No, just bushed."

* * *

A teenager goes in for her first gynecological examination. While propped up in the stirrups she asks, "Will this hurt?"

"Not if I numb it first."

"Okay. Why don't you numb it."

The doctor ducks down between her thighs and starts licking, "Num, num, num, num, num."

* * *

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a barracuda?

The lipstick.

* * *

How'd the blind gynecologist earn a living?

Reading lips.

* * *

A beautiful young nurse walked down the hospital corridor with a tit hanging out. A doctor said, "Nurse? Why are you exposing yourself?"

She said, "It's these fucking interns. They never put anything back when they're done with it."

* * *

The doctor prescribed hormone therapy to counter Mrs. Fletcher's diminishing sexuality. She called a week later and said: "Something's wrong, I've sprouted hair on my chest."

"How far down does it go?"

"All the way to my balls."

* * *

Following the blood exam for their marriage license the doctor told the couple, "I've got good news and bad news."

He said, "What's the good news?"

"Your fiancée has syphilis."

He said, "What's the bad news?"

"She didn't get it from you."

* * *

A snotty rich Republican lady visits the doctor, and says, "I'm a blue blood and I've always gotten anything I've ever wanted. But I've never felt what it's like to be pregnant. I want you to perform some operation that will allow me to experience what it's like to be pregnant."

"It'll take some anesthesia and about 15 minutes in the operating room."

"Thank you doctor."

She comes to about three hours later, and says, "My dear God. I feel pregnant already. What did you do?"

"I stitched your asshole shut, lady."

* * *

Oprah Winfrey has a sore throat that just won't respond to any home remedy so she goes to the doctor. She explains her condition and the doctor says, "Take off your pants, lay down on the examining table and spread your legs as wide open as you can."

"But doctor, I have a sore throat."

"I'll get to that. It's just that I'm painting my house brown with pink shutters and I wanna see what it looks like."

* * *

What do you call a gynecologist at a retirement community?

A spreader of old wives' tails.

* * *

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

One researches your family tree. The other just checks out your bush.

* * *

A couple is having trouble conceiving so the man goes in to have his sperm count examined. The nurse at the clinic hands him a Playboy and a cup and says, "Follow me."

As they are walking down the hall he sees a man, naked, laying on an examining table with a gorgeous red-haired nurse, stripped naked to the waist, sucking his cock. He asks the nurse, "What's he in for?"

"Same problem as you," she says. "Better HMO."

* * *

A man walks into the OB-GYN's office and says, "I need some birth control pills."

"You," says the doctor, "are a man."

"They're not for me, they're for my nine year old daughter."

"You have a nine year old daughter that's sexually active?"

"I wouldn't actually say active; she just lays there like her mother."

* * *

"I don't make house calls," said the doctor, "and referring to my charts I can assure you that your wife isn't sick. She's a hypochondriac; she just thinks she's sick."

A week later the man calls again and the doctor says, "Does your wife still think she's sick?"

"Worse. She thinks she's dead."

* * *

An obese woman visits the doctor and says, "My husband has no interest in sex."

"It could be you. Why don't you diet?"

"What color?"

* * *

The doctor enters the examining room and says, "I have wonderful news for you, Mrs. Smith."

"It's Ms. Smith. I'm not married."

"I have terrible news for you Ms. Smith."

* * *

Why don't hookers go to psychiatrists?

They don't like lying down for a guy and getting charged.

* * *

Examining the teenaged girl's bronchial condition the doctor placed his stethoscope above her heart and said, "Big breathes."

She said, "Yeth, and I'm juth thirteen."

* * *

"Bill," says the doctor, "you've got AIDS. I know you're married, but I need you to list all your sexual partners."

"That's easy. I only sleep with my wife, but she's had an affair with our next door neighbor."

"Which side, Wilson or Johnson?"

"Johnson."

"Shit."

"What's wrong?"

"Then I got it too."

* * *

A hooker, fearing she might be a hemophiliac, went to see her doctor. "The smallest little nick," she told him, "and I bleed for days."

"How much," he asked, "do you lose during your period?"

"About $2000."

* * *

"Maam," said the judge, "I'm awarding you $1200 a month in alimony."

Her soon-to-be-ex said, "Thanks Judge. I'll try and kick in a few bucks every few months myself."

* * *

The doctor told the 15 year old girl to remove all her clothes. "I've never undressed in front of a man before, could you turn off the lights?"

"Sure."

"Okay," she said. "Where should I put my clothes?"

"On the chair, right on top of mine."

* * *

A weeping 12 year old girl comes running out of the doctor's examining room and into her mother's arms. "What's wrong, honey?"

"The doctor says I'm pregnant with twins. I can't be."

"Doctor," says the mom, "how could you tell her something like that?"

"Hey," he says, "it cured her hiccups."

* * *

Two women were sitting in a doctor's office. "I want a baby more than anything in the world. But I can't get pregnant."

"I had that problem but I went to a faith healer and managed to get pregnant."

"My husband and I tried that and it didn't work."

"Try going alone next time."

* * *

Did you hear about the gynecologist who moved back to his hometown to practice?

He decided to look up a few old girlfriends.

* * *

"How was your day, honey?" asked the wife over her cell phone.

"I'm at the emergency room."

"Why?"

"I cut off my finger."

"The whole finger?"

"No," said the man, "the one next to it."

* * *

What do a puppy and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

Wet noses.

* * *

A man went to his therapist and said, "You gotta help me, I'm distraught. Every night my wife goes to Mac's Bar and sucks everyone's cock."

"Calm down. Just take a deep breath and tell me where Mac's Bar is located."

* * *

A man walks into a bar in Las Vegas and says to the bartender, "My wife is deathly ill and I need to borrow $100 to pay the insurance deductible and get her into the hospital."

"If I gave you $100," says the bartender, "you'd just use it for gambling."

"Fuck you," says the man, "I got gambling money."

* * *

An obese woman visited her gynecologist. She plopped into the stirrups and the doctor said, "Jesus, you have the biggest twat I've ever seen. Jesus, you have the biggest twat I've ever seen."

"You don't have to say it twice."

"I didn't."

* * *

A lawyer's wife dies. At the funeral, propped up against the casket is a sign that reads: HERE LIES BARBARA BLACK, WIFE OF MURRAY BLACK, ATTORNEY AT LAW SPECIALIZING IN DIVORCE AND BANKRUPTCY. When Murray enters with his mother he takes one look at the sign and bursts into tears.

"You should cry, you heartless bastard. Pulling a publicity stunt like that at your wife's funeral."

"It's not that."

"What is it?"

"They forgot to include my telephone number."

* * *

A doctor gave a blonde a packet of birth control pills. She was back an hour later to say, "These will never work."

"How do you know?"

"They keep falling out."

* * *

A female lawyer flew to Washington in order to initiate impeachment proceedings. When she presented her case to Congress she simply pulled up her skirt and displayed her shaved pussy. "What is the meaning of this?" demanded the Speaker of the House.

She said, "Read my lips; no more Bush."

* * *

A lady walks into a doctor's office and says, "You gotta help me. I'm tired all the time. I got no energy."

"Look at your fat ass," says the doctor. "You're obese. You're a fucking tub of guts. Lose some weight you lazy bitch."

"I demand a second opinion."

"Okay," says the doctor. "You're ugly, too."

* * *

What did the legal secretary say when her boss stuck his hand up her skirt?

"Stop and/or I'll slap your face."

* * *

A doctor approaches a patient and says, "You have, tops, a month to live. The cancer's incurable."

"Nice bedside manner, Doc. Can't you think of anything positive to say?"

"You're right. I apologize."

"Accepted. If you tell me one thing that happened here today that's positive."

The doctor thinks, then says, "You see my new receptionist with the big tits?"

"Yeah?"

The doctor whispers, "I fucked her at lunch."

* * *

A man is diagnosed with terminal cancer and given six months to live. "Doc," he asks, "what can I do?"

"Marry a Jewish girl. It'll seem longer."

* * *

An old man staggers into the doctor's office, "Doctor you must do something to lower my sex drive."

"You're hallucinating," says the doctor. "You're 104 years old. Your sex drive is all in your head."

"That's exactly my point." The old man pointed to his crotch, "You got a lower it little."

* * *

Did you hear about the female lawyer who moonlighted as a hooker?

She was a prostituting attorney.

* * *

Did you hear about the three gay guys who raped a woman?

Two of them held her down and the other one did her hair.

* * *

What's the definition of a lesbian?

Just another goddam woman trying to do a man's job.

* * *

What do you say to a lesbian Playboy Bunny?

"Fucking bitch."

* * *

What do lesbians do when they're on the rag?

Finger paint.

* * *

Why did the lesbian sneakers get recalled?

The tongues weren't long enough.

* * *

What's the best thing about being gay?

After sex there's someone intelligent to talk to.

* * *

Two businessmen are discussing investment opportunities, Bill says: "I'm investing in a chain of bars for lesbians."

Bill says, "Really?"

"Yes. It's called Lickety Splits. Each one will be constructed with no studs. It'll be all tongue in groove."

"Will you pay off for you?"

"Sure will, all lesbians know how to hold their licker."

* * *

How do you know when a hippie chick is on her period?

She's only wearing one sock.

* * *

What do you call a female gay Eskimo?

A Klondyke.

* * *

What is a Klondyke's favorite food?

Cold cunts.

* * *

A coed had a crush on her female roommate. One night after a few beers she said, "Wanda, I'll be frank—"

"No, you take the bottom, I'll be Frank."

* * *

What does it signify when two lesbians make love?

It don't mean diddly.

* * *

Why is it so difficult for lesbians to piss after making love?

Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese?

* * *

What do you call three lesbians in a closet?

A Lick Her cabinet.

* * *

Have you heard about the new running shoe for lesbians?

It has an extra long tongue but you only need two fingers to get it off.

* * *

How do asthmatic lesbians breathe?

In snatches.

* * *

How does a lesbian hold her liquor?

By the ears.

* * *

Why'd the lesbian get kicked out of the Girl Scouts?

For eating all the Brownies.

* * *

Hank had finally coaxed his secretary into the backseat of his car, but no matter what he or she did he couldn't get an erection. He went home and when he spotted his 287 pound wife on the couch eating ice cream his pecker started stiffening. "No wonder," he said, "they call it a prick."

* * *

What's the difference between an Italian girl and a Jewish American Princess?

One has real orgasms and fake diamonds.

* * *

Why didn't Joan of Arc go out with Frenchmen?

She had a date with a pole.

* * *

What's the difference between a female runner and a sewing machine?

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

* * *

How does a nymphomaniac laugh?

He, he, he, he.

* * *

Why'd the nymphomaniac get a job as a Congressional page?

She was just looking for a little sexual harassment.

* * *

What was the nympho's one complaint about sex on TV?

She kept falling off.

* * *

The middle-aged lady was approached on the dance floor by a young man. He said, "Wanna dance?"

"Don't be ridiculous, I could never dance with a child."

"Sorry," he said, "I could see you were fat, but I didn't know you were pregnant."

* * *

Did you hear about the Burmese whore?

She was constantly looking for a Mandalay.

* * *

How are a tourniquet and a wedding ring similar?

They are both equally effective at stopping circulation.

* * *

A man walks into a drugstore and says to the clerk, "Five condoms, Miss."

"Don't Miss me," she says.

"Okay. Make it six."

* * *

What happened when the clumsy secretary dropped her birth control pills in the Xerox machine?

It wouldn't reproduce anything for a month.

* * *

How do you put out a flaming Kotex?

You tampon it.

* * *

Why can men lay on their sides better than women?

Because they have a kickstand.

* * *

"I've convinced," said the chaplain, "the warden to allow an additional hour of grace before your execution."

"Great," said the murderer, "send her in."

* * *

Why do weather vanes have cocks on them?

If they had pussies the wind would blow right through them.

* * *

"Why is this apple so expensive?" asked Bob.

"Because this apple," said the grocer, "tastes like pussy. Try it."

Bob bit in and immediately spit it out, "It tastes like shit!"

"Turn it around."

* * *

What do you call women's stockings that come in 12 different pieces?

Ante hose.

* * *

Why do women fart after they piss?

They can't shake it so they just blow dry it.

* * *

What's the main difference between sperm and mayonnaise?

Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of your girlfriend's throat at 35 mph.

* * *

How do you make a woman sound like a dolphin?

Fuck her in the ass and she'll go, "Eh......eh....eh...."

* * *

How do you find an obese chick's pussy?

You sniff the folds until you smell shit, then go back one.

* * *

Why don't good girls swallow?

They want to be spitting images of their mothers.

* * *

CHAPTER 9

I consider that women who are authors, lawyers, and politicians are monsters.

—Claude Renoir

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

* * *

A man walks into a bar with his beautiful wife during happy hour. As they sip their beers, a progression of men strolls up and grabs the wife's ass. They feel her tits and stick their hands up her skirt. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, don't you see what everybody's doing to your wife?"

"Of course I do. But if I leave her home they just go over my place and fuck her."

* * *

What is the difference between semen and sand?

You can't gargle with sand.

* * *

Why do men pay more for car insurance than women?

Because women never get blow jobs while they're driving.

* * *

A man walks into a Lexus showroom and is fairly drooling over the latest model. The salesman says, "Thinking about buying a new Lexus?"

"No. I'm buying a Lexus—I'm thinking about pussy."

* * *

What do you get when you cross a hooker and a piranha?

Your last blow job.

* * *

How come nipples have all those little bumps around them?

It's Braille for "Suck here and don't bite too hard."

* * *

Why are women so stupid?

Because they don't have a cock to carry their brains around in.

* * *

When is it OK to spit in an Iranian girls face?

When her mustache is on fire.

* * *

How do you know when you're the world's greatest sexual athlete?

When you finish first and third in a masturbation contest.

* * *

Did you hear about the new Selena doll?

Ken and Barbie needed a maid.

* * *

What do you call a German tampon?

A twatstika.

* * *

Why do Republicans watch porno movies backwards?

Because they get their rocks off when they see the hooker give back the money.

* * *

How was Velcro invented?

An Iranian woman was trying to pull a wool sweater overhead and it snagged on her mustache.

* * *

Why don't witches wear underwear?

It diminishes their grip on the broomstick.

* * *

What's the difference between spit and swallow?

40 pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

* * *

Why doesn't the US government care about acid rain falling in Canada?

It's payback for Céline Dion.

* * *

What do you call 3.1416 vaginas?

Hair Pi.

* * *

What's the difference between hair pie and pear pie?

When you eat pear pie you actually look forward to the crust.

* * *

How do you say Vaseline in German?

Wienerschlicken.

* * *

How do you say, virgin in German?

Gootandtight.

* * *

What do you overweight women do during a heat wave?

Stink.

* * *

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs and armpits?

So they won't be mistaken for lesbians.

* * *

A man walks into a whorehouse with a six-pack and says, "I want the raunchiest bitch in this fucking place."

"That's Marge," says the madam. "Third door on the right."

He walks down the hall and enters the third door on the right. Marge is naked on the bed, but when she sees him she gets down on the floor on all fours. "Hey," he says, "we could just do it on the bed."

"Oh, we will. But I thought you might want to open your beers first."

* * *

Why do Iraqi women wear long robes?

To hide the No Pest strip.

* * *

How can you tell if an Iranian woman is engaged?

Her fiancée's initials are shaved into the hair on her back.

* * *

What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?

Einstein's cock.

* * *

How did Betsy Ross find out about George Washington's wooden dentures?

The splinters in her vaginal labia.

* * *

What's brown and hides in the attic?

The diarrhea of Ann Frank.

* * *

What's the difference between a pig and a fox?

Five or six beers.

* * *

Why do women have cunts?

So men will talk to them.

* * *

What do you call an Iraqi with 300 girlfriends?

A shepard.

* * *

What's green lies in a ditch and smells like shit?

A dead Girl Scout.

* * *

What do you call a vagina made of glass?

A womb with a view.

* * *

How do we know that little girls are not made of sugar and spice?

Because, as any pedophile will tell you, they taste like piss.

* * *

What's the difference between eating sushi and eating pussy?

The rice and seaweed.

* * *

Why did the ugly girl take up jogging?

It was the only way she would ever, ever hear heavy breathing.

* * *

Why do only good girls keep diaries?

Because bad girls don't have the time.

* * *

What game did Bill Clinton play with Monica Lewinski in the oval office?

Swallow the leader.

* * *

What has 50 legs, 25 boxes, and flies?

Twenty-five airline stewardesses.

* * *

What's a Republican's idea of open-mindedness?

Dating a Canadian.

* * *

What's Republican foreplay?

An engagement ring.

* * *

How can you find the bride at a Republican wedding?

She's kissing the Golden retriever.

* * *

What do Republicans do instead of fucking?

Rule the country.

* * *

What do you get when a Republican fucks an African-American?

An abortion.

* * *

Why don't midgets wear Tampax?

They trip on the strings.

* * *

What does a one-legged ballerina wear?

A one-one.

* * *

How do you know when a pervert is a real loser?

Blowing up his inflatable fuck dolly gives him a headache.

* * *

Why did the man like having a midget for a girlfriend?

Because she always wanted to go up on him.

* * *

Why is it wrong to date necrophiliacs?

They just want you for your body

* * *

What's the advantage of dating a necrophiliac?

You can be rotten to the core, but he'll still love you.

* * *

What did the flasher say to the woman during a cold snap?

"It's fucking freezing, can I just describe myself?"

* * *

What's the definition of a gentleman?

A man who doesn't make his lover suck his dick after he just fucked her in the ass.

* * *

Did you hear about the new, all-female delivery company that's going to give the USPS a run for its money?

It's called UPMS: it delivers whenever it fucking feels like it.

* * *

What is a "Cinderella 10"?

A woman whose sucks your dick until midnight then turns into a 12 pack of Heineken and a deep dish pepperoni pizza.

* * *

How can you tell when a woman's cooking sucks?

When Amazonian Indians dip their arrows into it.

* * *

Did you hear about the national female orgasm celebration?

Nine out of 10 participants pretended to celebrate.

* * *

How can you tell when your girlfriend has gotten too fat?

When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.

* * *

Name the three most unique things about being a woman?

You can bleed without cutting yourself, you can bury a bone without digging a hole, and you can make a man come without calling him.

* * *

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter-pounder with cheese.

* * *

What's the difference between the garbage and an overweight pimple faced girl from New Jersey?

The garbage gets picked up at least once a week.

* * *

What is the difference between a pussy and a cunt?

A pussy is soft warm and inviting. A cunt is the person who owns it.

* * *

What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

You can't hear an enzyme.

* * *

How are Antarctica and a clitoris similar?

Men know where they are, but they don't really give a shit.

* * *

Why do tampons have strings?

So men can floss after they eat.

* * *

Why do women have cunts?

So men will talk to them.

* * *

Why did the army recruit women with PMS to fight in Iraq?

They're pissed, they fight like animals, and they retain water four days a month.

* * *

Why does President Bush take Laura everywhere?

So he won't have to kiss her goodbye.

* * *

What's black and crispy, worshiped fervently and comes on a stick?

Joan of Arc.

* * *

What do Yoko Ono and starving Ethiopians have in common?

They both live off of dead beetles.

* * *

Why did Snow White divorce the Prince?

He couldn't get it up unless she was unconscious.

* * *

Why couldn't Lois Lane get an abortion?

Superfetus kept bending the doctor's tools.

* * *

Why does Madonna's diet consist mainly of salads?

Because she eats like a rabbit too.

* * *

What did Madonna say to King Kong?

"Is it in yet?"

* * *

Why didn't Natalie Wood shower on the houseboat?

She preferred to wash up on shore.

* * *

What did the Seven Dwarfs say when the Prince married Snow White?

"Hi ho hi ho: I guess its back to jerking off."

* * *

"Suzie," asked her second-grade teacher, "if both of your parents were born in 1955 how old would they be today?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"On whether you ask my mother or my father."

* * *

Who won the Miss Iraq beauty contest?

No one.

* * *

Did you hear about the worst businessman in the world?

He invested every cent he had in Fredericks of Baghdad.

* * *

A lady passed a bum on Fifth Avenue. "Lady, got any spare change?"

"You lazy filthy bum," she said. "I bet you don't even have a handkerchief."

"Of course I have a handkerchief," said the bum. "But I don't like loaning it out."

* * *

Two women stormed up to the reception desk and said to the hotel clerk, "I thought this was a respectable hotel."

"Something bothering you?" asked the clerk.

"I just saw your maître d' chasing a chambermaid past my room, trying to catch and fondle her."

"Did he catch her and fondle her?"

"No."

"Well then, apparently, we're still a pretty fucking respectable hotel."

* * *

Two ladies from New York finally took their dream cruise to the Caribbean. While disembarking the Captain thanked them and the first lady said, "The food stunk. The lettuce was wilted, the meat was overdone. The vegetables were soggy, and the desert was no better than stale Kit Kats."

And the second lady said, "And the portions were so small."

* * *

In the listless heat of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot dry fly said, "If I go down six inches, I'll feel the cooling mist from the water."

A fish in the water was thinking, "If that fly goes down six inches I can eat him."

A bear watching from the shore saw what was going on and thought, "If that fly goes down six inches and that fish jumps for the fly, I'll catch the fish and eat him."

A hunter on the far bank of the lake was eating a cheese sandwich. He saw the situation and said to himself, "If that fly goes down six inches that fish will jump for the fly, the bear will snatch the fish, I'll shoot the bear and have a new rug for my den."

A mouse not far from the hunter thought, "If that fly goes down six inches and the fish jumps for the fly and the bear grabs for the fish the hunter will drop his cheese sandwich and shoot the bear. Then I'll have a cheese sandwich for lunch."

A cat lurking in the bushes not far away thought, "If that fly goes down six inches the fish will jump in the air, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will drop his sandwich and shoot the bear, that mouse will make for the cheese sandwich: then I can pounce on the mouse and eat it for lunch."

So, the fly went down 6 inches.

The fish ate the fly.

The bear grabbed the fish.

The hunter dropped his cheese sandwich and shot the bear.

The mouse grabbed the sandwich.

The cat jumped for the mouse. The mouse ducked and the cat fell into the water and drowned.

And the moral of this story is: Whenever a fly goes down six inches there is always a pussy somewhere that is in danger.

* * *

The 70 year old lady asked her doctor for a birth control pill prescription, "Surely," said the doctor, "you've stopped menstruating."

"Yes, I have. But these help me sleep."

"There isn't any narcotic in birth control pills."

"I know. I slip them into my little whore of a grand daughter's oatmeal and I sleep a whole lot better."

* * *

An old guy picks up an exceptionally cute young hooker. They go to the motel and she strips. "My God, what a lithe and lissome figure you have. How old are you?"

"Thirteen."

"Get dressed and get out right now."

"What's the matter old man," she says, "you superstitious?"

* * *

A man stepped onto an elevator into a rank stench. He said to the only other occupant, a sweet old lady, "Did you just fart?"

"Of course I did, asshole," she said. "Do you think I always smell like this?"

* * *

How does an elderly gentleman keep his youth?

He pays her.

* * *

Did you hear what happened to the old lady on her way home from the grocery store?

She got mugged by a German Shepard.

* * *

The elderly lady wakes up and says to her husband, "You must have had some bad dreams last night."

"Why?"

"All night long you were calling me a run-down, miserable, evil-tempered whore."

The man says, "And who was sleeping?"

* * *

A down-and-out, disconsolate widower called Dr. Kervorkian and asked advice on how best to commit suicide. He suggested that she shoot herself in the heart. "Where," she asked, "exactly should I point the gun?"

"Directly," he said, "below your left breast."

She loaded her late husband's pistol, took aim, and pulled the trigger: wounding herself in the left knee.

* * *

Two 90 year olds go to a divorce lawyer: "We want a divorce."

"Okay," says the lawyer, "how long have you been married?"

"Seventy years," says the man.

"What are the grounds for divorce?"

"I hate her fucking guts. I despise everything she does. I hate the way she eats, breathes, and walks."

"Why stay with her for 70 years? Why a divorce now?"

"We wanted to wait until the children were dead."

* * *

Mrs. Hurst was notoriously cheap. When her husband died she called the local newspaper about a death notice and was told: "Ten dollars for five words."

"I only need two words: Hurst dead."

"It's a five word minimum."

"Okay. How about: Hurst dead. Buick for sale."

* * *

A retired widow has to resort to turning tricks to pay the bills. She's arrested and sent to the judge for sentencing. The judge, never having to sentence such an old hooker, calls a recess to consult with a fellow judge: "What would you give an 80 year old hooker?"

"Four, five dollars tops."

* * *

What do old women have between their boobs that young women don't?

Their belly buttons.

* * *

The elderly tycoon and his buxom young new wife were on their way from the wedding reception to their honeymoon suite when he had a heart attack. He was rushed to the emergency room and paramedics hovered over him as life leaked from his body. "Young lady," said one of the paramedics, "he's fading fast. Can you whisper some words of encouragement into his ear?"

"Of course I will," she said. "Sweetheart? You better perk up real fast because I'm so horny I'm ready to suck this cute paramedic's cock."

* * *

Two old guys are sitting on a park bench. "I'm no spring chicken, but I think my wife is over the hill," said Harvey.

"What makes you think that?" asked Fred.

"Last night I was sucking her tits and then I went down on her simply by turning my head."

* * *

The young prostitute was a little disappointed when she saw the geriatric customer enter the whorehouse and pay to be hers for the evening. But once they hit the sheets the wrinkled old man knew exactly how and where to touch her: he sent her to the absolute heights of orgiastic splendor. She said, "That was fantastic, old man. Think you could do it again?"

"I believe I could muster up another erection," he said. "But I'm 95 years old and I need a little nap. While I'm sleeping, I need you to keep both your hands on my cock just like this."

"Whatever you say, Love Muffin."

He napped, then awoke up and pounded her until she begged for mercy; then he pounded her some more. While he was getting dressed she asked, "That was fantastic but why did you need me to keep both hands on your tally-whacker while you were napping?"

"Because the last time I was here I fell asleep and the fucking whore I was with took my wallet."

* * *

Every day for three years, Fred walks down the hallway of the nursing home and into Lois' room. He pulls down his pants and sits on the bed while she fondles his flaccid cock for an hour. One Monday, he doesn't show up. Lois asks him at dinner, "Where were you today?"

"I was in Mary Harper's room."

"What does she have that I don't have?"

"Parkinson's disease."

* * *

A wealthy 72 year old man just married a hot 32 year old chick. After the ceremony, the priest asked, "How'd a codger like you get such a beautiful young wife?"

"I told her I was 95."

* * *

Three old guys are sitting on the park bench. One of them says, "I haven't had sex since Clinton's first term."

The second says: "I haven't sex since the 1988 Olympics."

The third says: "My wife and I do it doggy style every night."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead."

* * *

A man accompanied his ailing wife of 37 years to the doctor's office. A serious and somber doctor approached the man after the examination and said, "I don't like the way she looks."

"Either do I," he said, "but she's a great fucking cook."

* * *

Why do old guys take Viagra?

Because old women are fucking ugly.

* * *

An old guy walks into a department store and picks out a pair of frilly panties. He slaps them down on the counter and rummages in his pockets for money. The clerk, a virginal young lady says, "Sir, would you like those gift wrapped?"

"No thanks," he says, "I'll eat 'em here."

* * *

Murphy has just been told that he's dying of brain cancer: six months is all he has. He tells his wife and son and they are all in tears. Then Murphy says, "I'll be taking Sean here down to the pub so he can have his first beer on the barstool I've occupied all these many years."

Down at the pub Murphy and Sean hoist a pint and share a hug. It's a small town and every man is there, so they come over and ask what's up. "I'm dying," says Murphy. "I've got the dread disease AIDS. Six months is all I've got."

They all have a toast to Murphy and walk away. "Father," says Sean, "you told me and mother that you're dying of brain cancer, now you tell every man in town you're dying of AIDS. Which is it?"

"It's the cancer," says Murphy, "it's just that I didn't want any of these assholes fucking your mother after I'm dead."

* * *

How do you make 2.3 pounds of fat attractive?

Slap a nipple on it.

* * *

Two bums enter the homeless shelter at the same time. "You'll never guess what happened to me last night," said Scott.

"What?"

"I'm walking along the railroad easement and I see this woman tied to the tracks. So I untie her, carry her into the bushes, start a nice warm fire, play with her titties; then I take her clothes off and fuck her five times."

"Wow, what'd she look like?"

"I don't know, I couldn't find her head."

* * *

What's the best way not to regret in the morning what you've done the night before?

Sleep until noon.

* * *

How can a man marry the woman of his dreams?

Either exhibit a generous nature or exhibit how generous nature has been to you.

* * *

How do Texas' laws about executing female murderers differ from those of other states?

In Texas females who are on death row have to cook their own last meals.

* * *

Three boys find a $5 bill. "Great," says the first one. "Let's go get a pizza."

"You stupid fuck," says the second, "you can't get a pizza for five bucks. Let's go to the movies."

"He's the stupid fuck?" says the third, "how can three people get into the movies for five bucks. Let's buy some Tampax."

"Tampax?" says the first.

"What the hell can we do with Tampax?" says the second.

"I saw," says the third, "this ad on television; if we have Tampax we can go bowling, swimming, sky diving, horseback riding, surfing, bicycling, mountain climbing, and play softball."

* * *

How are tits and martinis similar?

With both one is not enough and three are too many.

* * *

WHY IT'S A GREAT TO BE A MAN

You don't give a shit if the toilet seat is up, down, or missing.

You never have "strap problems" in public.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your beer belly hides your big hips.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the most minuscule act of thoughtfulness.

You're not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You can sit and watch a game with a buddy in silence for hours without thinking: He Must Be Mad At Me.

Phone conversations are 30 seconds flat.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered-belch is practically expected.

One mood all the goddam time.

You can open your own jars.

You can do Christmas shopping for 52 relatives on December 24th in less than an hour.

AND:

The world is your urinal.

* * *

What's the only thing separating three female nymphomaniacs from two chronic alcoholics?

The door to the cockpit.

* * *

How are pubic hair and parsley similar?

You push both to the side before you start eating.

* * *

Where do they post pictures of missing transsexuals?

On cartons of half-and-half.

* * *

A Frenchman, an American, and an Irishman are having an argument about which country has the best bars. The Frenchman says, "But France of course. The finest wine and liqueurs; the exquisite food; the most beautiful women."

"Fuck you, Frog," says the American. "We got places with 40 beers on tap and free hot wings."

"I beg to differ," says the Irishman. "But in Galway, Ireland—my home town—there is an establishment that allows you to drink for free all night. Then, after they shut down you can go upstairs and have sex 'til the dawn."

"It is not so," says the Frenchman.

"Bullshit," says the American. "How many times have you done that?"

"Me? Never. But it works all the time for both me sisters."

* * *

CHAPTER 10

I have known more men destroyed by the desire to have wife and child and to keep them in comfort than I have seen destroyed by drink and harlots.

—William Butler Yeats

What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

After you dump a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow you around for a week.

* * *

An Irish lady wins the Irish Sweepstakes and decides to indulge herself by taking a milk bath. She calls up the milkman: "Wouldja bring me 100 quarts of milk tomorrow."

"Would that be pasteurized?"

"No," she says, "just up to me tits."

* * *

Why was the president of the National Organization of Women fired?

She was quoted in Time Magazine, "As long as we women are split like we are, men will always be on top."

* * *

"How long is the wait?" asks the red haired man.

"Forty-five minutes," says the barber.

"Thanks." And he leaves.

Next day, the red haired man says, "How long is the wait?"

"Half an hour."

"Thanks." And he leaves.

This goes on for a month and Red never gets a haircut. The barber asks a regular customer to tail him and find out where he goes after finding out how long the wait is. Once again Red comes in and inquires about the wait and leaves. The customer tails him and returns ten minutes later. "I found out where he goes."

"Where?" says the barber.

"Your house."

* * *

A man walks into a whorehouse and says to the madam: "I'm broke, but I'm horny as hell. Isn't there something you can do?"

"Room six. My goat's in heat if you're interested."

"I'm that horny." He enters room six. There's a mirror on the wall and a goat tied to the bed. He pulls down his pants grabs the goat by the horns and fucks it.

The next week he approaches the madam with the same request. "The goat died," she says, "but there is a free sex show in room seven."

He enters room seven and sees through a one way mirror two gay guys fucking: one is dressed as an altar boy, the other as a priest. He says, "That's disgusting."

"You should have been here last week," says someone in the front row. "Some sick, horny asshole fucked a goat."

* * *

What do you call a vagina that talks?

An answering cervix.

* * *

A woman berates her husband about their leaky roof every time it rains: "Fix the goddam roof!"

"I can't," he says, "it's raining."

"Fix it when it its dry."

"It doesn't leak when it's dry."

* * *

What has 11,800 legs and no pubic hair?

The audience at an Ashlee Simpson concert.

* * *

A man walks into a into a sex shop and says to the clerk, "I'd like a blowup fuck dolly please."

"Christian or Muslim?"

"What's the difference?"

"A Muslim dolly blows itself up."

* * *

What's a Catch-22 for a nympho?

Meeting a guy with a 14 inch dick and syphilis.

* * *

An example of Irish foreplay:

"Brace yourself Bridget."

* * *

WASP foreplay:

Doing the dishes.

* * *

Jewish foreplay:

Bent over all the credit cards, facing Nordstroms.

* * *

Puerto Rican foreplay:

"I got a knife."

* * *

Redneck foreplay:

"You done with the dishes, honey?"

* * *

Mom got home early and saw her daughter sitting at the kitchen table, smoking a joint. Mom said, "What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?"

* * *

"Do you smoke after sex," he asked.

"I've never checked," she said.

* * *

How can you tell if pancakes are male or female?

The females are stacked.

* * *

Who posed for the Mona Lisa?

The DaVinci coed.

* * *

A man gets the blowjob of his life from a Washington DC hooker. She wipes off her lips and says, "Four dollars."

"Honey," he says, "you could charge $150 for a cock munch like that."

"That's okay, Senator," she says, "I do a little blackmailing on the side."

* * *

A union plumber visited Mrs. Doe's to fix a leak. She started flirting and just as they were about to get naked the phone rang. "That was Mr. Doe. He's coming home for a couple of hours but he has to work tonight. Come on back and we'll finish what we started."

"Right," said the plumber, "on my own time?"

* * *

Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

* * *

A struggling young actor in LA calls his dad in Brooklyn, "Dad, I got a part in a movie. I play a Jewish husband."

"So call me when you get a speaking role."

* * *

Two French farm girls on bicycles took a shortcut down a cobblestone road. Marie said, "I've never come this way before."

Bebe answered, "It's the cobblestones, cheri."

* * *

What's the difference between a horny teenaged girl taking a bath and a female optimist?

One has hope in her soul.

* * *

Why does Donald Trump think sex is counterproductive?

Because you start at the top and work your way to the bottom.

* * *

Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose?

The undertaker couldn't get the casket closed.

* * *

Dave returned from his vacation tanned, smiling, and rested. His secretary asked where he went, "My buddy's fishing cabin. No booze, no music, no parties, no neighbors."

"Did you enjoy yourself?"

"Who else?

* * *

The circus was auditioning lion trainers. A woman without a whip or a chair, wearing only a trench coat went first. "Careful," says the ringmaster, "Lenny the lion is a vicious beast."

"I know what I'm doing," she says.

She enters the cage and Lenny charges. She whips off the trench coat; she's naked and Lenny the lion stops and gently starts licking her pussy.

The ringmaster says to the next applicant, "Don't you wish you could do that?"

He says, "Get that fucking lion out of there and I will."

* * *

What's the difference between a wicker basket and a wicker box?

A wicker basket is placed on the table at Thanksgiving and filled with fruit. Wicker box is what Elmer Fudd does to his girlfriend.

* * *

An actress held a press conference: "I will be marrying for the seventh and hopefully final time. Any questions?"

"Marrying," asked a reporter, "against whom?"

* * *

Did you hear about the hot new jewelry store in Hollywood?

They rent wedding rings.

* * *

How are balloons and virginity similar?

One prick and they're both gone forever.

* * *

How are no-hitters and virginity similar?

One hot stick ends them both.

* * *

How did the voyeur rate seeing Heidi Klum masturbate?

The peek of his career.

* * *

Three applicants applied for the same personal assistant job. All three were experienced and eminently qualified. "Well," said the boss to the personnel director, "which one do we pick. It's a three way tie."

"Hire," he said, "the one in the middle."

"More experience?"

"No. Bigger tits."

* * *

A renowned Shakespearean actor was asked by a reporter: "Do you believe that Shakespeare wanted us to think that Hamlet and Ophelia had sex?"

"I don't know what Shakespeare intended. But I always do."

* * *

How do you turn a lady into a river?

Have her marry a hippie and she becomes Mrs. Hippie.

* * *

Two Southern belles were sitting on the front porch swing. One says, "Yawl see that mansion up there on the hill?"

"I sure do."

"Well my daddy done bought me that."

"How nice."

"Yawl see that big Mercedes parked in the driveway of that mansion up there on the hill?"

"I sure do."

"Well my daddy done bought me that, too."

"How nice."

"What did your daddy buy yawl?"

"He didn't buy me nuthin' but he did send me to charm school."

"What'd you learn at charm school?"

"I learned how to say How nice instead of Fuck you."

* * *

What did one saggy boob said to the other saggy boob?

"If we don't get some support here, people will think we're nuts."

* * *

A traveling salesman's car breaks down late at night and he walks to the nearest farm house. He knocks on the door and says, "My car broke down. May I spend the night here?"

"Sure," says the farmer, "but you'll have to suck my son's dick."

"Never mind," says the salesman, "I must be in the wrong joke."

* * *

Did you hear about the midget stripper?

She jumped out of a cupcake.

* * *

Sign seen at a convenience store:

Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Girls: No Shirt, No Charge.

* * *

What do you call a hooker from Saskatchewan?

A Canadian Mountie.

* * *

Did you hear about the sperm bank that offers aerosol insemination?

It's called heir spray.

* * *

A boy asked his father, "Is it true that in China a man doesn't know his wife until they are married."

"Boy, that happens in this country."

* * *

What are four words no man ever wants to hear?

"Is it in yet?"

* * *

What's the smallest cemetery in the world?

A pussy—it only takes one stiff at a time.

* * *

How is being in the Army like a blowjob?

The closer to discharge you get, the better you feel.

* * *

How is getting a new girlfriend like joining the Army?

With each you get a new haircut, a new wardrobe and someone to tell you exactly what to do.

* * *

A man in the back of a crowded elevator yells to the elevator operator, "Ballroom, please."

The lady in front of him says, "Sorry. Didn't realize I was crowding you."

* * *

What's the difference between sex for money and sex for free?

Sex for money usually costs less.

* * *

What does a dominatrix give her clients for Christmas?

Gag gifts.

* * *

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs and a 15 inch cock?

Mildly handicapped.

* * *

What's the difference between making love to a girl with arms and making love to a girl with no arms?

When you're making love to a girl with no arms and your dick pops out you have to put it back in yourself.

* * *

What do you call a girl with no arms or legs on a BBQ:

Patty.

At the beach:

Sandy.

* * *

A teenaged girl with no arms and no legs is taken to the beach by her parents. She loves the sunshine and the sound of the surf and is soon lulled to sleep. Her parents walk down the beach to buy a hotdog and when she awakes a bronze-god-of-a-lifeguard is standing over her. "Mister Lifeguard," she says, "I don't have any arms or legs, but I have these perfect teenaged lips that have never been kissed."

So he kisses her.

"Mister Lifeguard, I don't have any arms or legs, but I have these perfect teenaged breasts that have never been touched."

So he caresses her breasts.

"Mister Lifeguard, I don't have any arms or legs, but I have this perfect teenaged pussy that's never been fucked."

"You've never been fucked?"

"No."

So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean, "You're fucked now, baby."

* * *

What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs?

"Nice tits, baby."

* * *

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

In Tokyo?

Irene.

* * *

The father of a girl with no arms or legs pays his next door neighbor's son to take her to the prom. The dad springs for dinner and a tuxedo as well. After the prom the boy says to the girl, "What do you want to do now?"

"I want to make love."

"How can we do that? You don't have any arms or legs."

"Take me to the park across the street from my house, strip me naked, prop me up on the monkey bars and fuck me."

They do it just like that; then he dresses her, puts her in the wheelchair and pushes her back across the street. Her father answers the door and thanks the boy profusely, slipping him an extra $20. "I feel like shit," says the boy, "I just took your daughter's clothes off, wedged her into the monkey bars and fucked her. Keep the $20."

"No, you keep it. Most guys just leave her on the fucking monkey bars all night and I have to go get her in the morning."

* * *

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Blondes don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

* * *

How many actresses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve. One to screw in the bulb and eleven to say, That should be me up there.

* * *

How many divorced women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Six. One to screw in the bulb and five to form a support group.

* * *

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

* * *

How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to call daddy and the other to open the diet Pepsi.

* * *

How are going down on a woman and the mafia similar?

With either one slip of the tongue will put you in deep shit.

* * *

What's the square root of 69?

Ate something.

* * *

What do you call two yuppies having oral sex?

Sixty-something

* * *

What is 34½?

69 for midgets.

* * *

What comes after 69?

Mouthwash.

* * *

An old couple are watching television when they get the urge to have sex right there in the living room. They strip naked and assume the 69 position. "I hate to complain honey," he says, "but you are really dry tonight."

"You're licking the carpet."

* * *

What is the difference between eating pussy in the 69 position and driving in a thick fog?

In a thick fog you can't see the asshole in front of you.

* * *

What's the most dangerous sexual position?

69 with a cannibal.

* * *

How do you say 69 in Chinese?

Two can chew.

* * *

What's 68?

Suck my dick and I'll owe you one.

* * *

Why do women like 77 more than 69?

They get ate more.

* * *

Why do women like 88 more than 77?

They get ate twice.

* * *

What is 96?

After you 69, you roll over and shit in each other's hair.

* * *

The owner of a Chinese restaurant and his wife are in bed. They start to get into it and he says, "How about a little 69?"

She slaps him and says, "How can you think of hot and sour soup at a moment like this?"

* * *

What's the speed limit for a woman having sex?

68, because if it's 69, she blows a rod.

* * *

Grandpa gives an heirloom shotgun to his favorite grandson. The kid doesn't have any use for the gun so he hocks it and buys a Rolex. The next time he sees grandpa the old man says, "Nice watch, sonny. Where'd you get it?"

"Actually I sold the shotgun and bought it."

"Why?"

"I don't have any use for a shotgun."

"No use for a shotgun? What are you gonna do when you come home one night and find some guy fucking your wife say: Hey buddy, time's up?"

* * *

An old man living at the retirement home was attracted to an old lady, also living at the home. One evening after lights out, he has a couple shots of Scotch and sneaks down the hall. Fortified by his liquid courage he says, "I wanna fuck you."

"Well," she says, "everyone else is asleep, so, what the hell."

"How do you like to do it?"

"I really like it when a man goes down on me," she said.

He lifts up her nightie, takes off her panties and starts yodeling in the gully. He comes up about 15 seconds later with a disgusting look on his face. "I'm sorry, I just can't do this. Something smells fucking rotten down there."

She said, "It must be my arthritis."

He said, "You can't get arthritis in your vagina, and even so it wouldn't cause that horrible smell."

She said, "The arthritis is in my shoulder. I can't wipe."

* * *

An elderly couple is making love, "Wider," he says. "Spread your legs wider."

She says, "Are you trying to get your balls in there?"
"No. I'm trying to get them out."

* * *

A man is on his deathbed at home and he calls out to his wife: "Honey, I think this is it."

"We've had a good life together," she said sitting on the edge of the bed. "Is there anything I can get for you before you go?"

"As odd as it may seem I just smelled your BBQ chicken wings and I would love to have them for my last meal."

"But honey," she said, "I'm saving them for after the funeral."

* * *

What's an old lady taste like?

Depends.

* * *

An old man goes into a whorehouse and tells the Madam he would like a 21 year old girl for the night. She asks, "How old are you?"

"I'm 94 years old."

"Old man, you've had it."

"Really? Then how much do I owe you?"

* * *

How did the old lady with varicose veins win first place at the costume party?

She went naked; as a road map.

* * *

How can you get three old ladies to say "FUCK!" at the same time?

Have the fourth say "BINGO!"

* * *

A couple, both aged 60 and married for 40 years, decided to take separate vacations. He called from Hawaii and said, "We should have done this years ago. I'm having a great time with a 30 year old hooker."

"I bet I'm having more fun with my 30 year old gigolo."

"Why do you say that?"

"Simple mathematics; 30 goes into 60 mores times than 60 goes into 30."

* * *

"You should think about marrying that 22 year old," said George to his Grandpa. "You're 87. Sex could be fatal."

"If," said Grandpa, "the bitch dies she dies."

* * *

Did you hear about the 90 year old man who molested a 20 year old?

He was arrested for assault with a dead weapon.

* * *

An old guy is pulled over by a cop. "Officer, was I speeding?"

"No. But your wife fell out of the car about two miles back."

"Thank the Lord. I thought I'd gone deaf."

* * *

A pervert gets a job as an intern in an old folks home. Every morning he goes into Mrs. Schmidt's room and locks the door: "Mrs. Schmidt? I bet I can guess how old you are."

"How would you do that?"

"Take off your clothes and lie on the bed."

She does.

"Take out your dentures and suck my dick a little."

She does.

"Now spread those crusty and dusty old thighs."

She does.

He fucks the old lady and says, "You're 87."

"That's amazing, how did you figure it out?"

Leaving, he says, "You told me yesterday."

* * *

How are walking a tightrope and getting sucked off by a 90 year old hooker similar?

In both instances it's best not to look down.

* * *

The local whorehouse was raided and the girls were lined up out front. An 80 year old lady asked one of the girls why they were standing in line. "Free Popsicles," joked one of the girls and the old lady got in line.

A cop came by and asked the lady, "Aren't you a little old for this?"

"As long," she said, "as they keep making 'em, I'll keep sucking on 'em."

* * *

The old lady complained to her doctor, "I haven't crapped for a week. I just sit there for a half hour in the morning, then another half hour before bed."

"Do you take anything?"

"A book."

* * *

Two old guys are walking their dogs. One says, "Old age sucks. I haven't had sex in five years."

The other replies, "I have sex almost everyday."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Almost every Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday...."

* * *

An elderly couple got together in a recreation room at the old folks home. They sat the corner and starts snuggling. She said, "Please stick two fingers in my pussy."

"What do you want to do," he asks, "whistle?"

* * *

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man whips open his trench coat, revealing a rigid ten-inch cock. The first lady had a stroke; the second lady had a stroke; the third lady couldn't reach.

* * *

What's the best thing about sex with an 80 year old woman?

She won't swell, she won't tell, she'll never yell, and she's grateful as hell.

* * *

A recently married elderly couple are in the honeymoon suite undressing prior to sex. She says, "I have to tell you that I have acute angina."

"And," he says, "for an old broad your tits ain't too fucking bad."

* * *

The madam opened the whorehouse door and saw a skinny elderly gentleman standing there. "May I help you?" asked the madam.

"I've heard good things about Natalie, I want Natalie," he said.

"She's one of our most expensive girls, $1000 a night; are you certain you don't want someone else?"

"No. I want Natalie."

The madam buzzes Natalie and she appears. The old man calmly hands over ten $100 bills, then goes upstairs and fucks her brains out. He appears the next night with the same request and forks over the same amount of money. He appears the third night in a row. Again paying $1000 for the privilege of an evening with Natalie. "Wow," says Natalie, "you must be rich, nobody has ever come to me three nights in a row before. Where are you from?"

"I'm from Philadelphia."

"My family lives in Philadelphia."

"I know. Your father just died and I'm your mother's attorney. She asked me to give you $3000."

* * *

What is the only thing you can look down on and approve of at the same time?

Cleavage.

* * *

Why'd the two nudists break up?

They were simply seeing too much of each other.

* * *

"Weren't you self-conscious at the nude beach, Bob?"

"To be honest," he said, "the first three hours were the hardest."

* * *

Leaning up against a car the hooker said to the passing pedestrian, "What can you do about my itchy pussy?"

"Lady," he replied, "I don't know nuthin' about Japanese cars."

* * *

What's Pokemon?

A Jamaican proctologist.

* * *

How are a pussy and a punchline similar?

Neither are funny if you don't get it.

* * *

What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

Same technique, only one is down under.

* * *

What's the punishment for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

* * *

What's the downside of wife swapping?

Eventually you get yours back.

* * *

CHAPTER 11

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them but I wouldn't want to own one.

—W.C. Fields

A guy drops a gal off after their first date. He says, "Do you perform oral sex on a first date?"

"No."

"How about on a last date?"

* * *

What are the four secrets to a happy marriage?

1) Find a woman who cooks.

2)Find a woman who is rich.

3)Find a woman who loves sex.

4)Make certain these women never, ever meet.

* * *

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's not funny!

* * *

What's the definition of ambivalence?

Watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new Porsche.

Or

Watching your 25 year old trophy bride wash down her prenatal vitamins with Jack Daniels.

* * *

How many militant feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other one to suck my dick.

* * *

Why did the militant feminist cross the road?

To suck my dick.

* * *

A man hires a contract killer: "I want you to kill my wife and shoot the cock off that cretin who's fucking her."

"I charge $20,000 a bullet. You pay for each shot."

"So $40,000 minimum?"

"Yes."

"Let's do this thing."

The next day the hit man calls: "You owe me $20,000."

"I thought it was $40,000 minimum."

"I took care of both of them with one bullet."

* * *

How are bridge and sex similar?

If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

* * *

What do you call a man masturbating on an airliner?

A skyjacker.

* * *

Surveys have shown that 98% of all men masturbate. The other 2% don't have hands.

Surveys have shown that 51% of all women masturbate. The other 49% expect men to believe that it takes that long to take a shower.

* * *

Why do they call it a Wonderbra?

Because when she takes it off you wonder where her tits went.

* * *

Why do women have legs?

So they don't leave slimy little snail trails.

* * *

What's the difference between a bartender on Ladies Night and a gynecologist?

The gynecologist only has to deal with one cunt at a time.

* * *

What did the tampon say to the condom?

"If you break we're both unemployed."

* * *

What do men have in their pants that women don't want on their face?

Wrinkles.

* * *

Why don't Santa and Mrs. Claus have any children?

Because he only comes once a year and that's down a chimney.

* * *

Why do cavemen drag their wives home by their hair?

Because if you drag them by their ankles their twats fill up with gravel.

* * *

Two brothers opened a real estate company that was on the verge of being bought out; a deal that would solidify their financial futures. The broker from the purchasing company told them if they didn't get a cable from him by Friday the deal has gone through. The brothers waited all week and were ready to leave the office on Friday at 5:00pm when a Western Union telegram arrives. With foreboding the older brother opens the cable and smiles, "Great news."

"What?"

"Mom's dead."

* * *

On a stretch of beach near Marseilles a young French woman throws herself into the sea. The half-naked dead body washes up and a local man goes for the authorities. When he returns, to his horror, he sees that a French sailor is fucking the lifeless corpse. "Monsieur," he screams, "she is dead."

"Really? I just assumed she was English."

* * *

A man is sitting on the beach reading. A woman sits next to him and says, "Do you like pussycats?" He immediately dropped his book, tore off her clothes and screwed her. She said, "How'd you know that's what I wanted?"

He said, "How'd you know my name was Katz?"

* * *

A female cop arrested a man for drunk driving and told him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

He shouted, "TITS!"

* * *

A man is driving his convertible up a winding road. A female jogger yells at him, "Pig!"

He replies, "Bitch!"

Then he rounded the next curve and hit the pig.

* * *

Why did former Enron chief Kenneth Lay buy the Playboy Women of Enron issue?

Because even though he'd fucked them he'd never seen them naked.

* * *

What did the bra say to the baseball cap?

You go on a head; I'm going to give these two a lift.

* * *

How do you catch a living bra?

With a booby trap.

* * *

What's the difference between anal sex and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

* * *

A newspaper reported that a truckload of Viagra had been hijacked. The cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

* * *

The FDA is requiring food labels that are more specific. Products will be labeled: No Fat, Low Fat, and Fat, but with a great Personality.

* * *

A secretary told her boss, "I've found a new position."

He said, "Shut the damn door and show me."

* * *

A science teacher asked the class, "If you could own one mineral, what would it be?"

"Gold," said Tim, "because then I could buy a Corvette."

"Platinum," said Jim, "because then I could a Porsche."

"Silicon," said Sue. "Because my mom got some and now there's always a Porsche and a Corvette in our driveway."

* * *

What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?

Most of the time you get a long-eared onion, but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that'll make your eyes water.

* * *

A reporter in Iraq asked an Iraqi why the women walk ten feet ahead of the men. He replied, "Land mines."

* * *

A conceited guy and a conceited girl are making love. She says, "Aren't I tight?"

He says. "No. Just full."

* * *

When Clinton was president an aide came in and laid a piece of paper on his desk. "What's that?" asked Clinton.

"It's the abortion bill."

"Just go ahead and pay it."

* * *

A man walks up to a hooker: "How much for a fuck?"

"Not so fast; I charge $100 for a hand job."

"A hundred?"

"Guaranteed the best you've ever had or your money back. In fact see that Porsche turbo over there?"

"Yeah."

"I paid for it, cash, with my handjob money. I call it my Beater Car. Okay?"

"Okay." He pays and the hooker performs a fantastic handjob. "I'll see you tomorrow night."

The next evening he says, "How much to get in your pants?"

"Not so fast. I charge $300 for a blowjob. Guaranteed the best you've ever had or your money back. In fact see that ten story apartment complex over there?"

"Yeah."

"I paid for it, cash, with my blowjob money. I call it Swallow Towers."

"Okay." He pays and the hooker performs a fantastic blowjob. "I'll see you tomorrow night."

The next evening, "How much to get in your pants?"

"Not so fast. You see that industrial park, that hotel, that mall?"

"Yeah."

The hooker gives him a peck on the cheek and whispers in his ear, "I'd own all that—if I had a pussy."

* * *

A nervous young couple approached the desk clerk. "Good evening, sir," he said. "Suite 16?"

"No, she assured me she was18."

* * *

What's a nine year old redneck girl say the first time she has sex?

"Hey Pa, you're crushing my smokes."

* * *

A redneck's definition of a perfect woman?

A blind, dumb, deaf, nymphomaniac who owns a chain of liquor stores.

* * *

Why did the redneck woman cross the road?

Why isn't the bitch in the kitchen making dinner?

* * *

What do the Unabomber and a redneck girl have in common?

They were both fingered by their brothers.

* * *

A redneck junior high student is walking down the hall when the vice principal says, "Gretchen?"

"Yeah?"

"You missed our mandatory assembly on sex education this morning."

"Yes I did. But I have a valid excuse."

"What?"

"My baby was sick."

* * *

What's the definition of a redneck bisexual?

Someone who fucks his daughters and his granddaughters.

* * *

Why are redneck girls bowlegged?

Because redneck men eat with their hats on.

* * *

What's redneck foreplay?

"Hey sis; you awake?"

* * *

What do redneck girls say after losing their virginity?

"I'm telling mommy on you Daddy."

* * *

Did you hear about the redneck lady who made a fortune?

She came out with a line of maternity clothes for juniors.

* * *

Bobby the redneck comes home and finds his wife scrubbing the kitchen floor in a bathrobe hiked up above her hips. He whips out his dick and fucks her doggy style. She says, "That was fucking great."

Then Bobby hit her in the head. She said, "What the hell was that for?"

"That was for not looking to see who it was."

* * *

What's a redneck's idea of loading the dishwasher?

Getting his wife drunk.

* * *

Adam was so lonely that he asked the Lord for a mate. The Lord said, "For the perfect companion, compatible in every way, it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for a rib?"

* * *

A woman was concerned about her husband's drinking so she dressed up like the devil and was going to scare the holy shit out of him as he was walking home from the pub. At 2:17 a.m. he comes stumbling along and she screams and pokes him with her pitchfork, "I'm the devil, come for your drunken soul."

Not at all fazed he says, "Did you know I married your sister?"

* * *

Why did God make Adam first?

He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

* * *

If Eve wore a fig leaf what did Adam wear?

A hole in it.

* * *

Why did God make tequila?

So the ugly chicks would have a chance.

* * *

What's the first thing Adam said to Eve?

"Stand back honey, I don't know how big this thing is going to get."

* * *

The first thing Adam and Eve did, of course, was fuck. After history's first coupling Eve went down to the river to wash up. God, watching, said, "Dammit! Now the fish are going to smell like that too."

* * *

A young woman enters the confessional and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I made love to my boyfriend seven times."

"Go home and squeeze the juice of seven lemons into a small glass and drink it down as quickly as you can."

"Will that wash away my sins?"

No, but it will get that fucking smile off your face."

* * *

A young lady enters the church and is obviously upset. Father Murphy sits down next to her and says, "What is it?"

"I went out on a date last night with a young man...Oh I just can't tell you."

Suddenly overcome by lust the priest slips his arm around her, "Did he do this?"

"Worse."

He kisses her and feels her up. "This?"

"Worse."

He undresses her. "This?"

"Worse."

He fucks her and shoves two fingers up her ass. "This?"

"Worse. He gave me gonorrhea."

* * *

On the seventh day God sat back, admiring his creation. "I think it's perfect," he said to the angel Gabriel.

"Not quite perfect, my lord," said Gabriel.

"How so?"

"Shouldn't the humans have differing sets of genitalia just like the animals?"

God pondered for a moment. Then he said, "You're absolutely right. I think I'll give the dumb one a cunt."

* * *

A teenaged girl enters the confessional and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned..." And she breaks down into sobs.

"What is it my child?"

"My boyfriend Jimmy just got a 1965 Volkswagen..."

"Yes."

"We had a few beers and then went for a drive. Then we parked and started smooching..."

"Yes."

"That's when I took my pants off, put my ankles in those little straps up by the door and Jimmy fucked me 'til dawn."

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!"

"Is that a bad sin, Father?"

"Sad to say, in these days-and-times it isn't. It's just that I've wondered for years what those little straps were for."

* * *

After God created Adam, but before he created Eve he asked him, "How do you want to piss, standing up or sitting down?"

"Standing up."

"Okay, but this means the bitch gets the multiple orgasms."

* * *

THE FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who is not a creep.

One who is handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who calls, not waits for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Send me a man who makes love to my mind,

Knows what to answer when asked, "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

Amen

* * *

THE MALE PRAYER

I pray for a huge-titted, deaf-mute nymphomaniac with a tight pussy and a set of lips that could suck the chrome off a bumper hitch: she also must own a liquor store and a bass boat and not mind if I occasionally screw her sister. I know this doesn't rhyme but Lord, I could really give a flying rusty fuck.

Amen

* * *

A man dies and goes to Heaven and St. Peter says, "If you could live your life over, what would you change?"

"St. Peter, I wouldn't gamble."

"Did you lose a lot of money gambling?"

"Actually, I made a lot of money. But I used it to get married."

* * *

The Pope is doing a crossword. "Cardinal," he says, "I need a word ending in u-n-t. The clue is A woman."

The cardinal says "Aunt."

"Right. Got an eraser?"

* * *

An old man enters the confessional and says, "I'm 82 years old and last night I fucked three virgins."

"When was the last time you were to confession?"

"Never been. I'm Jewish."

"Then why are you telling me about the three virgins?"

"Are you nuts? I'm telling everybody."

* * *

Bill and Bob are golfing when an ambulance screams by. Bob covers his ears and falls to his knees. He is visibly shaken. Bill helps him to his feet and says, "My God, do you know who was in that ambulance?"

"No. It's just that my wife ran off with an ambulance driver 11 years ago, and every time I hear a siren I'm afraid that he might be bringing her back."

* * *

Two fisherman are sitting on a dock. One has a state-of-the-art spin cast reel and rod, but he hasn't gotten a nibble. The other one has a cane pole with a cork float and a Styrofoam cooler filled with bait. Repeatedly, he reaches into the cooler, pulls out a piece of bait, sniffs it, and places it on the hook. As soon as it hits the water he is rewarded with a bite. The other fisherman still hasn't had a nibble. "Hey," says the frustrated fisherman, "what the hell are you using for bait?"

"My brother-in-law is a mortician and he cuts the pussies off of all the women he gets. They make the best bait in the world."

"But why do you sniff them before you put them on the line?"

"Every once in a while he slips in an asshole."

* * *

A foursome of men waited at the first tee as a foursome of ladies were hitting from the lady's tee. The ladies take their time and when, finally, the last one hits the ball, she hacks it about 15 feet, walks over and hacks it another 15 feet. She looks up at the men who were watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

"Maybe," says one of the men, "you should've taken golf lessons."

* * *

A man and a woman meet on the golf course and play nine holes. They agree to play nine more the following day. Then they go out to dinner. Back at his place they have drinks and get smoochie faced. "I am," she/he confesses, "a transvestite."

"You fucking cunt," he says, "you've been hitting from the woman's tees."

* * *

"I just got," said Hank, "a new set of golf clubs for my wife."

Mike smiled and said, "Good trade."

* * *

"Why are you here?" asked the judge.

"I beat my wife to death with a 9-iron."

"Really," said the judge. "How many strokes did it take you?"

* * *

What is the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva?

Searching for a lost golf ball is a hunt on a course.

* * *

Why do cheerleaders wear such skimpy uniforms?

It makes the fans root harder.

* * *

Two fisherman are sitting in the boat. "I don't get it," says one. "We have the same rod and reel, we're using the same bait, and you've caught six and I haven't caught any."

"That's because I have a system. When I wake up I see which way my wife is sleeping. If she's on her left side; I fish over the left side of the boat. On her right side; I fish over the right side. If she's in pajamas I use a lure. If she's naked I use live bait."

"What if she's on her back and naked?"

"Then I don't go fishing, asshole."

* * *

Two men were trying to get in a quick 18 holes but were held up by the two ladies in front of them. At the turnaround one of them walked up to ask if they could play through, but came running back: "I can't let them see me. One's my wife the other's my mistress."

"I'll go."

But he quickly returned and said, "Small fucking world."

* * *

Joe and Mary decide to go camping to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary. They drive up to the Sierras and hike into the backwoods. They set up camp and while cooking dinner finish off a couple bottles of champagne. Mary says, "I've gotta pee. I'm gonna piss into that lake."

"My back teeth are floating," says Joe. "I'll go with you."

They stand at the edge of the lake; Joe whips it out and Mary drops her pants. "Just for shits-and-grins," says Mary, "I am going to piss in that canoe."

"That's not a canoe," says Joe. "That's your reflection."

* * *

Three generations of the Collins family were getting ready to tee off one Sunday when the threesome was joined by a beautiful, young female golfer. Before they could introduce themselves the young lady said, "Listen, I'm a two handicap so I don't need any of your patronizing petty male-chauvinist-bullshit advice. So just leave me the fuck alone."

"Okay," said Grandpa Collins.

"Okay," said Mr. Collins.

"Okay," said Junior.

The foursome teed off and played the first 17 holes. On the par five 18th the female golfer blasted a 290 yard tee shot, then hit a long iron to the fringe. The Collins boys reached the green a few shots later. She said, "I'm sorry if I was rude earlier, but if I sink this I'll break par for the first time in my life. I need some help, and," she added, "if your advice pays off I'll give my coach the best knee-buckling blowjob they've ever had."

"Well," said Junior, "I'd pitch-and-run with a seven iron."

"I'd putt it," said Mr. Collins, "and let the natural break run it up to the hole."

Grandpa dropped his pants and waved his dick, "Pick it up. It's a gimme."

* * *

Why should you never play golf with OJ Simpson or Heidi Fleiss?

Because she's a hooker and he's a slicer.

* * *

Tiger Woods is killed and arrives at the Pearly Gates. "Tiger," says St. Peter, "this was a mistake. We are all big fans. I'm going to send you back to earth and for the inconvenience you can change one thing in your life. What do you want? More distance off the tee? Better putting?"

Tiger thought a moment and says, "I want to go back as a lesbian."

"A lesbian? Why?"

"Because I can still eat all the pussy I want and hit from the woman's tees."

* * *

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A man will spend hours looking for a golf ball.

* * *

A golfer stood for five minutes contemplating his final tee shot. He tested and re-tested wind direction and velocity, and mulled over his club selection. "C'mon," said his partner, "hit the ball."

"My wife is watching from the clubhouse. I want this to be a perfect shot."

"Forget about it. You have absolutely no chance of hitting her from here."

* * *

A professional wrestler married an Olympic gymnast. He returned to the WWF circuit, and all his peers wanted to know how a 6' 4'', 320 pound man made love to a 4' 11", 86 pound woman. He replied, "She sucks my dick hard, then I sit on a chair; she sits on my lap. And then I bob her up and down. It like beating off only I have someone to talk to."

* * *

Amazed at the empty seat between himself and another fan at the Superbowl the first fan remarked, "What kind of idiot misses the Superbowl."

"It was my wife's but she died."

"I'm sorry, but I'm equally amazed that a son or brother or someone wouldn't use the ticket."

"I offered, but they insisted on attending the funeral."

* * *

Scott reluctantly agreed to play in the couple's alternate shot tournament at the club. He teed off on the first hole and sent a drive 300 yards down the middle. Upon reaching the ball Scott said to Carol, "Just hit it towards the green. Anywhere around there would just fine." Wifey proceeded to shank the ball into the rough. Undaunted, Scott said, "That's okay, honey," and spent five minutes looking for the ball. He found it in a terrible lie. Scott muscled it out with a pitching wedge, placing the ball 18 inches from the hole. "Okay Carol, just knock it in."

She putted it past the hole and it rolled down the slope into a bunker. Scott pulled out his sand wedge and, with a brilliant shot, short hopped it into the cup. "Okay honey that was a bogey. But that's alright, we can do much better on the next hole."

"Don't blame me, asshole. Only two of those five shots were mine."

* * *

A golfer shanks one deep into the woods. He goes in after the ball and is assaulted by a despicably noxious odor. He sees the source of the stench: a little gnome stirring a pot of glop. "What are you cooking that's so vile?" asks the golfer.

"It's a potion that bestows upon anyone, the skills of a PGA professional."

"That's for me."

"Not so quickly, there is a side effect."

"What?"

"It diminishes your sex drive to practically nothing."

"I love golf so much, I'll make that sacrifice."

So the golfer holds his nose and slurps down a spoonful. He finds his ball, makes a perfect exit shot and saves par. Then he joins the PGA circuit, wins $427,000 and is Rookie of the Year. One year to the day, on the same golf course, the potion wears off and he shanks another shot into the same woods. But there's also the same gnome stirring the same stinky pot. "I guess," says the golfer, "that the potion wore off. May I have some more, please?"

"Not so fast. How's your golf game?"

He tells the gnome.

"How's your sex life?"

"Not bad. I made love nine, maybe ten times last year."

"Not bad? That's terrible!"

"Believe me. For a Catholic priest in a small parish, it's not bad."

* * *

CHAPTER 12

Of all the wild beasts of land or sea, the wildest is woman.

—Menander 342 B.C.

A man wheels himself into a bar. He has two broken legs and his head is bandaged. "Jerry," asks the bartender, "what happened to you?"

"It was my wife's birthday last week and she wanted something that went from 0 to 200 in under six seconds."

"You dumbshit," says the bartender, "you bought her a motorcycle, then borrowed and crashed it."

"Worse," says Jerry. "I bought her a bathroom scale."

* * *

On the first day of the new semester the dean laid down the law: "The female dormitory is off limits. The first time I catch anyone there you will be fined $50. The second time you will be fined $100. Any questions?"

A young man in the front says, "How much for a season pass?"

* * *

The boss said to his secretary, "I had an erotic dream about you last night."

Flattered, she said, "Did you?"

"No," he said, "I woke up too soon."

* * *

At a New Year's Eve party a man walks up to a woman and says, "Why don't we end the old year with a kiss?"

"Sure," she says, "then we can go back to my place and celebrate the new fucking year."

* * *

"How do you," asked the roommate, "always score with the chicks?"

"I paint," he said, "a white circle on my car's dashboard. The girls always ask me about it and I tell them that white is for purity and innocence and the circle symbolizes unity and I segue into virginity and before you know it my cock's in her mouth."

"Thanks. I'm gonna try that."

So he paints a white circle on his dashboard and asks a girl out. She says, "Why do you have a white circle on your dashboard?"

"It symbolizes purity, innocence, and unity. Wanna fuck?"

* * *

Ned coasted to a stop on the road's shoulder. "The old Out of Gas routine?" asked Doris.

"No," he said, "the new Here After routine."

"Here After?"

"Yeah. If you ain't here after what I'm here after, then your sorry ass will be here after I'm gone."

* * *

Two avid golfers, married to each other, are having 19th hole cocktails when the conversation turns serious. "Honey," she says, "if I were to die and you remarried, would you live together in our house?"

"Well, it is paid for."

"I suppose that's sensible. But would you let her drive my car?"

"It's paid for too. In this economic climate it would be foolish to take out a new loan."

"I suppose that's sensible as well. But promise me one thing?"

"What?"

"Don't let her use my golf clubs."

"I swear on a stack of Bibles that will never happen."

"Thank you."

"She's left handed."

* * *

A man and a woman meet on a cruise ship and have a wonderful time together. While discussing whether to continue their relationship after the cruise he says, "I want to be honest. I'm addicted to golf. I play everyday. The only television I watch are tournaments and instructional golf videos."

"While we're being honest, I'm a hooker."

"That's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

* * *

What's the difference between a women's track team and a group of clever pygmies?

The pygmies are cunning runts.

* * *

A man and his wife were playing golf. He had a terrible lie behind a barn. His wife said, "Why don't I hold open the barn door and you can hit through the barn and unto the green?"

She stood to the side of the barn, holding the door open. He sliced a ball that hit and killed her. A year later he's playing the same course and his new 22 year old wife hits the ball right behind the same barn. She said, "Honey, why don't you hold those doors open so I can shoot through the barn?"

"Bad idea. I tried that last year."

"What happened?"

"I double bogeyed the hole."

* * *

Bob's lining up a par putt on the eighteenth when a funeral procession drives by. Bob steps away from the ball, removes his hat and holds it over his heart. His playing partner says, "That was touching."

"It's the least I could do," said Bob. "We were married for 43 years."

* * *

Two ladies tee off and both of them par the first hole. While walking to the second hole one of them is hit in the head with a golf ball and knocked unconscious. Her friend quickly dials her doctor on a cellphone: "Doctor, my friend has been hit by a golf ball and is unconscious. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Where'd she get hit?"

"Between the first and second holes."

"Tell her to tighten up her stance a bit."

* * *

THE RULES OF INDOOR GOLF

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.

Course owners are permitted to check a shaft's stiffness.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club size in order to avoid damage to the hole.

Object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well-formed mounds and bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing. Said owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this transgression.

Players are encouraged to wear proper rain gear at all times.

Players should not assume the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.

Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what was considered to be a private course.

Players are strongly advised to get the owner's permission before attempting to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owner's request.

It is considered to be an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

* * *

What part of the man's body should never move while dancing with a woman?

His bowels.

* * *

What do women and dog shit have in common?

The older they are the easier they are to pick up.

* * *

Bob calls in sick to work and his boss asks, "Just how sick are you?"

"I'm fucking my grandma in the ass, is that sick enough for you?"

* * *

A drunk walking down the street was stopped by a cop. "Where are you going at 3:00 am?" asked the cop.

"To a lecture."

"Who gives lectures at 3:00 am?"

"My fucking wife."

* * *

What do Brooklyn and control top panty hose have in common?

Flatbush.

* * *

How do most teenaged boys propose?

"You're going to have a what?"

* * *

According to an article in Cosmopolitan a woman's sleeping position says a lot about them. Women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, those who sleep on their stomachs are competent; those who sleep on their back with their ankles behind their ears are extremely popular.

* * *

What's blue and comes in brownies?

Cub Scouts.

* * *

What is it if a man says to a woman, "I want to suck your tits for an hour and fuck you until you come?"

Sexual harassment.

* * *

What is it if a woman says to a man, "I'll kneel in front of you, fondle your balls and suck until you squirt down my throat?"

$2.99 a minute.

* * *

A Hollywood actor returned home to see his house wrapped in police tape. "I live here," he told a cop, "what happened?"

"Your agent came over this afternoon, raped and murdered your wife and kidnapped your daughter."

"Holy fucking shit," he said. "My agent came to my house?"

* * *

What's the best thing about taking a shower with a nine year old?

When her hair gets wet she looks six.

* * *

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Doughboy?

An ugly redhead with a yeast infection.

* * *

What do you call a Raggedy Ann doll with a pebble in her mouth?

A cotton rock sucker.

* * *

What is a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?

Erection day.

* * *

A study at Stanford concluded that 90% of women have intelligent DNA in them. It also concluded that 55% of them spit it out.

* * *

What's the difference between a whore and a fucking slut?

A whore fucks everybody in town. A fucking slut fucks everybody in town but you.

* * *

How come Cleopatra and Marc Anthony couldn't make love?

She was on her pyramid.

* * *

Did you hear about the new support group for women called Tempura?

It's for the lightly battered.

* * *

Did you know that Princess Di was on the radio?

And the dashboard, and the steering wheel...

* * *

Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon?

Indiana.

* * *

Why did Princess Di divorce Charles?

She thought every ruler had 12 inches.

* * *

A woman sits on a park bench. A skuzzy, homeless bum sits next to her and says, "So you want to screw, eh?"

"What do you think I am, a hooker?"

"Well, you are the one who sat down on my bed."

* * *

A Congressman seeking re-election wanted to secure his hold on the moral majority. "If re-elected," he said to the press corps, "I will ban the rental of X-rated videotapes. On a fact-finding mission I rented one last week that portrayed the rape of a school girl, a woman taking on 15 consecutive lovers, acts of anal, oral, and group sex. Any questions?"

A voice from the back: "Where'd you rent it?"

* * *

Why did the whore buy a bicycle?

So she could pedal it all over town.

* * *

Following lunch at the counter the young secretary lit a cigarette, inhaled and relaxed. The health-nut lady to her right says, "I'd rather have unprotected sex with an entire hockey team than smoke."

"Me too, but I've only got half-an-hour for lunch."

* * *

How much should custom made diaphragms cost?

About $50 a crack.

* * *

A girl with huge tits walked up to the owner of the dress shop and said, "May I try on that dress in the window?"

"Sure," he said, "it'll probably help business."

* * *

Why should you always put two grocery sacks over an ugly chick's head before you fuck her?

In case she drools through one.

* * *

Why do men fart more than women?

Women can't keep their fucking mouths shut long enough to build up the necessary back pressure.

* * *

What did one hooker say to the other hooker?

Can you loan me $100 until I get back on my back?

* * *

"Do I take the next turn?" asked the taxi driver.

A muffled female voice form the backseat said, "Please do. This guy does nothing for me."

* * *

Why did the nymphomaniac move to Polynesia?

She always wanted Samoa men.

* * *

The college professor said, "What did you think of Lolita?"

"Shocking," said one student.

"Perverted," said another.

"I thought it was cute," said another, "and so did my 13 year old wife."

* * *

"May I," asked the young man, "have your daughter for my wife?"

"I don't know," said the father, "bring your wife around and let me check her out."

* * *

A flabby guy sat on a park bench drinking a beer. A woman walked by and said, "You're disgusting. If that beer gut were on a woman I'd swear that she was pregnant."

"It has been on a woman. And she is."

* * *

What's the definition of vagina?

The box a cock comes in.

* * *

What do you call children born in a whorehouse?

Brothel sprouts.

* * *

What do women and a computer have in common?

You never realize how important they are until they go down on you.

* * *

Why do men name their cocks?

So they can be on a first name basis with the thing that makes all their decisions for them.

* * *

How do you make paper dolls?

Screw an old bag.

* * *

Did you hear about ET's slutty sister?

EZ.

* * *

What three words will clear out a men's room immediately?

"Nice cock buddy."

* * *

Two sperm are swimming furiously trying to be the first to reach the egg. One says, "I didn't realize it was so far to the fallopian tubes."

"Hey buddy," says the other, "we have an even passed the esophagus yet."

* * *

What's a 10 in New York City?

A woman with a rent controlled apartment.

* * *

The first thing a sailor does after a six-month stint at sea is go to his favorite whorehouse. He plops $200 down and says to the Madam, "Send anyone up." He runs up the stairs and when a prostitute enters a few minutes later she sees him on the bed jacking off furiously.

"What are you doing? she says. "You just paid $200 to get laid."

"And you think," he says, "you were gonna get the easy one?"

* * *

What's the ultimate in rejection?

Your hand falls asleep when you're masturbating.

* * *

A farmer is sent to jail for drunk driving and his wife gets stuck with all the farm work, but she is confused as to when the plant the onions. "Dear sweetheart," she writes, "when is the best time to plant the onions?"

Knowing the mail is censored he writes back, "Don't dig up the onion fields until I get out of jail. That's where all my illegal firearms are buried."

A week later, she writes him, "The sheriff was here for three days digging up the onion fields. They didn't find a single firearm."

He writes back, "You can plant the onions now."

* * *

The CEO of a major corporation walks out of a whorehouse and says to himself, "What a business. You've got it. You sell it; and you still got it."

* * *

What's the difference between a woman on the rag and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

* * *

How do you make a woman scream twice?

Fuck her in the ass then wipe your dick on the curtains.

* * *

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

* * *

What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?

You can't make a vitamin.

* * *

Why did the girl blow her lover after sex?

She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

* * *

How do you quit masturbating?

Cold jerky.

* * *

Why do men shake their penises after they piss?

Because they can't train them to: Sluuuurp.

* * *

Why were sponges such a great contraceptive device?

Because after sex the bitch could get up and wash the dishes.

* * *

After spending all his money at the whorehouse the man implored the madam for the loan of a dime so he could take a bus home. "No problem," she said, "if you eat it out of my pussy."

She inserted a dime and the man got down on his knees and started licking. After a few minutes he said, "I got it." He walked to the corner, got on the bus, dropped it in the token box and sat down.

The bus driver turned around and yelled, "Hey asshole? How far do you think you're going on a scab?"

* * *

Donald brought home a bottle of champagne and gave it to his wife. "I want to make love to you," he said.

"I have a headache."

The next night he brought home a dozen roses, "I want to make love to you."

"I still have a headache."

This went on for two weeks. Then one night he arrived home with six black kittens and gave them to his wife.

"How cute, but what are they for?"

"They're six little pall bearers for your dead pussy."

* * *

What do you get when you cross a stripper and a fruit?

A banana that peels itself.

* * *

If whiskey makes you frisky and gin make you grin, what makes you pregnant?

Two high balls and a squirt.

* * *

What's more difficult than getting six pregnant women into a Volkswagen?

Getting six women pregnant in a Volkswagen.

* * *

What's a red tickler?

A vibrator that's in a bit too far.

* * *

Did you hear about the prostitute who made two dates at the same time?

She managed to squeeze both of them in.

* * *

What's the best defense against rape?

Beating off the attacker.

* * *

Little Suzie went to the beauty parlor for her first haircut. She was a little intimidated, so the gay hairdresser gave her a chocolate chip cookie. This calmed her down as she sat in a chair, but after a few snips she started crying again. "What's wrong?" asked the hairdresser. "Did you get hair on your cookie?"

"You fucking pervert," she said, "I'm only four."

* * *

A blind man walked into a lumber yard. The manager of the yard asked, "May I help you?"

"I'd like a job application, please."

"But you're blind, what can you do in a lumber yard?"

"I grade lumber with the best of them," said the blind man.

"Right."

"State law says I have the same right to a job as sighted person."

"I'll give you a try out right now," said the yard manager and he grabbed a 2x4 and placed it on the ground in front of the blind man. "Tell me what this is?"

The blind man sniffed up one side and down the other, "It's an 8 foot long 2x4 with several knot holes. I'd sell it as framing lumber."

The manager got a piece of particle board and placed it in front of the blind man. Again he didn't touch it, he just sniffed up one side and down the other and said, "It's a 4x8 foot piece of ¾ inch thick particle board. It'd be perfect for floor underlayment."

The manager thought, I can't have a blind guy working here. So he motioned for a female employee to come over in lay down in front of the blind man. She did and the yard manager said, "If you can figure this one out I'll hire you."

The blind man sniffed up one side and said, "This is a little tricky. You'll have to flip it over for me." The manager did and the blind man sniffed again and said, "You've played a cruel joke on a blind man. This isn't a piece of lumber. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat."

* * *

What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their birth control pills?

They become mummies.

* * *

How are a woman and a bank similar?

She loses interest when you withdraw your assets.

* * *

Did you hear about the chick who was so fat she couldn't get out of bed?

She kept rocking herself back to sleep.

* * *

Why did the whorehouse madam win the Entrepreneur of the Year Award?

Her development of scratch-and-sniff business cards.

* * *

What do you call a stewardess who gives hand jobs?

A highjacker.

* * *

How do you say "bad pussy" in Chinese?

Tong Chow Yuk.

* * *

The new young hooker was so popular that the madam immediately gave her the bedroom on the top floor. It had its own private bathroom and bar and she was doing 20 to 30 guys a night. But after six record breaking months she told the madam she was quitting. "Why are you quitting?" asked the madam. "At the rate you're going you'll be able to retire in two years."

"The money is great," she said. "It's those fucking stairs that are killing me."

* * *

The madam hired a carpenter to build partitions in the whorehouse bedrooms so that she could keep twice as many girls. The carpenter cheerfully went about his work building the six partitions. He finished and presented an invoice to the madam. "You've misunderstood," she said. "I'm paying you in services, not cash. Choose any girl you want."

"No. You misunderstand, I'm a family man. I did the work. I want to get paid in cash."

"It's services or nothing." she said.

"Well, if I'm to be paid in services, I'll take you."

"Why me? There are plenty of girls with beautiful tight asses that you can choose from."

"I choose you. Take off your clothes."

She did and he shoved one index finger up her asshole and another index finger up her cunt and said, "Bitch, you pay me cash or these partitions come down."

* * *

Why do men swim faster than women?

Because they have a rudder.

* * *

"What do you have on," he asked, "that smells so good?"

"A perfume I bought this afternoon with you in mind. What do you have on," she asked, "that smells so good?"

"A hard-on. But I didn't know you could smell it."

* * *

The owner of the new flower shop is at her first Chamber of Commerce lunch when her dentures break. The man next to her reaches into a coat pocket and removes a set of dentures, "Try these."

She does and hands them back. "Too loose."

He hands her another pair.

"Too tight."

He hands her another pair.

"Perfect." She finishes lunch and returns the dentures. "Thank you. You must be the dentist in town."

"Nope," he says. "The mortician."

* * *

What's the definition of eternity?

The time between your orgasm and her exit.

* * *

The Lone Ranger is hopelessly outnumbered. "Tonto," he says, "go get the posse. It's our only hope."

"Yes, Kemosabe."

The Lone Ranger holds off the marauding bandits for an hour before he sees a cloud of dust. Out of the dust rides Tonto and two whores. The Ranger yells, "You asshole. I said posse."

* * *

Why did Raggedy Ann break up with the Pillsbury Doughboy?

He kept giving her yeast infections.

* * *

Superman has always had a hard on for Wonder Woman. One day he's flying along and he sees her naked and writhing on the beach. He swoops down and fucks the tightest pussy he's ever had. "How'd you like that?" he asks.

"I've always wanted to do it that way," she says, "but I don't think the Invisible Man will ever walk again."

* * *

A bum in front of a Broadway theater says to a woman, "Can you spare a few dollars?"

She replies, "Never a borrower or a lender be. William Shakespeare."

"Suck my dick you fucking whore. David Mamet."

* * *

What's the difference between kinky and erotic?

Erotic, you tickle her twat with a feather. Kinky, you use the entire chicken.

* * *

What's the difference between red and purple?

The grip.

* * *

How are women and college similar?

They are both demanding and difficult to get into and nine months later you really wish you hadn't come.

* * *

How do you make love to a fat chick?

Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

* * *

An Irishman on his first trip to Las Vegas accidentally booked a room in a whorehouse. The next morning he met up with a countryman for breakfast. The friend asked, "How did you find your accommodations?"

"The room was a bit gaudy, but my God, the maids are fantastic."

* * *

CHAPTER 13

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.

—Samuel Taylor Coleridge

What's Helen Keller's favorite song?

See Me, Feel Me.

* * *

Did you know that Helen Keller had a ponytail?

Neither did she.

* * *

What's Helen Keller's favorite color?

Corduroy.

* * *

Why'd Helen Keller never skydive?

It scared the fuck out of her dog.

* * *

Why'd Helen Keller wear yellow socks?

Her dog is blind too.

* * *

Helen Keller picked up a cheese grater and quickly returned it to the shelf. She signed to her friend: "They're writing some pretty violent books these days."

* * *

What'd Helen Keller's mom do when she was bad?

Rearrange the furniture.

* * *

When she was really, really bad?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

* * *

What is Helen Keller's favorite lightbulb joke?

"What's a lightbulb and how do you screw it in?"

* * *

What is Helen Keller's idea of foreplay?

A manicure.

* * *

Why'd Helen Keller begin masturbating at such a young age?

She was trying to read her own lips.

* * *

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

She's a woman.

* * *

Why did Helen Keller wear skintight pants?

So people could read her lips.

* * *

How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?

Answering the stapler.

* * *

What was the meanest present that Helen Keller was ever given?

A paint by numbers kit.

* * *

And what was the meanest present Helen get Keller ever gave?

Her first paint by numbers picture.

* * *

How come Helen Keller never changed her baby's diaper?

So she always knew where to find him.

* * *

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

She moans with the other.

* * *

How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?

Reading a waffle iron.

* * *

How did Helen Keller get hit by a beer truck?

Trying to read a manhole cover.

* * *

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?

Answering the iron.

* * *

What did Helen Keller say when she was making love for the first time with her rabbi boyfriend?

"Funny, you don't feel Jewish."

* * *

Have you seen Helen Keller's new house?

Neither has she.

* * *

What was the worst day of Helen Keller's life?

When she burned her mouth on a slice of pizza and couldn't taste anything either.

* * *

What did the flasher say to Helen Keller?

"Maybe I should just describe myself?"

* * *

CHAPTER 14

I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

—Dorothy Parker

This one's for the girls...

—Martina McBride

A three year old boy taking a bath grabs his cock and asks, "Mommy, is this my brain?"

She says, "Not yet, sweetheart."

* * *

A man is so frustrated with women that he falls to his knees and says, "Lord?"

A voice booms, "YES, MY SON?"

"I don't understand women. Why did you make them so beautiful and beguiling?"

"SO THAT YOU WOULD LOVE THEM, MY SON."

"But why did you make them a perfect shape that's so incredible to hold?"

"SO THAT YOU WOULD LOVE THEM, MY SON."

"Yes, but why did you make them so fucking stupid?"

"SO THAT THEY WOULD LOVE YOU, MY SON."

* * *

What do you call a woman with no asshole?

Divorced.

* * *

Why did God give men more intelligence than horses?

So they wouldn't shit during parades.

* * *

How are men and coolers similar?

Once you load them with beer you can take them anywhere.

* * *

How are men and mascara similar?

They both run at the first sign of tears.

* * *

How are men and government bonds similar?

They both take forever to mature.

* * *

"The doctor," she said to her husband, "that I visited today, told me I have the breasts of a 20 year old."

"What did he say about your 45 year old-flabby-fucking-good-for-nothing-ass?"

"Actually, he didn't mention you."

* * *

What do a clitoris, a toilet, and a wedding anniversary have in common?

Men miss them all.

* * *

What do they call it when a woman has more than one husband?

Insanity.

* * *

Saul says to his wife, "How about a quickie?"

Rachel replies, "As opposed to what?"

* * *

Why do female spiders eat male spiders after they fuck?

So they don't have to listen to them snore.

* * *

How are men and toilets similar?

Both are either taken or full of shit.

* * *

Frank was reading the morning paper when he came across an article about a football player, renowned for his stupidity, who was marrying a beautiful actress. "Why do all the stupid fuckers get all the great looking women?"

"Thanks," says his wife, "what a nice thing to say."

* * *

What do tile floors and men have in common?

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for about 20 years.

* * *

A lady walks into a butcher shop and says, "Two loin chops, a pound of hamburger, a chicken, and some dog bones for my husband."

The butcher says, "Dog bones for your husband? That's terrible. All fat, no nutrition. You'll give him a heart attack."

"It's all he eats. He loves them."

For three years it's the same order: "Two loin chops, a pound of hamburger, a chicken, and some dog bones for my husband."

Then one day she walks in and says, "Two loin chops, a pound of hamburger, and a chicken."

"No dog bones?"

"No. My husband died last week."

"Heart attack?"

"No. He broke his neck trying to lick his balls."

* * *

Justin came right out and said it, "How come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?"

Justin's wife said, "You're never home."

* * *

"When you die, bitch," said the husband at the end of a particularly bitter quarrel, "I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Wife—Cold As Ever."

"When you die, asshole," she said, "I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband—Stiff At Last."

* * *

"John asked me to marry him," Mary told her mother. "But I don't know if I can."

"But I thought you loved John."

"I do."

"Then marry him. He's loaded."

"But he's also an atheist. He doesn't believe in heaven or hell."

"He doesn't even believe in hell?"

"No."

Mother smiled, "Marry him. Between you and me we'll have him believing in no time."

* * *

Why is beauty much more important than brains for a woman?

Because most men are stupid, but not many are blind.

* * *

How does a wife piss her husband off during sex?

Calls and tells him who she's fucking.

* * *

"What can I do?" says a young lady to her friend. "Every guy I bring home my father hates."

"Simple," says her friend. "Bring home a guy who's like your father."

"Those my mother hates."

* * *

After their first night of sex Bob throws his pants at his wife and says, "Put those on."

"Those are way too big for me."

"Never forget that fact and you'll do okay with me."

She tosses him her little undies and says, "Put those on."

"I'm not getting into those."

"Not until your fucking attitude changes."

* * *

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A widow.

* * *

Where do wives put pictures of their missing husbands?

On beer cans.

* * *

Why don't married women blink during foreplay?

They don't have enough time.

* * *

A man walked up to his wife and pinched her ass, "If you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

"That's rude."

He pinched her tits, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

She grabbed his cock and said, "If you firmed this up we could get rid of the gardener, the UPS guy, and your brother."

* * *

The horny husband said to his wife, "Time for a quickie?"

"You mean all this time we've been married I've had a choice?"

* * *

Getting a bit older, and drier, sex had become a quite uncomfortable for Doris but her husband wouldn't leave her alone. One day her husband bought her some KY jelly, "This might help solve your problem with sex."

She said, "I think you're right."

When he left for work she smeared the entire tube all over the front doorknob and locked herself inside the house.

* * *

Concerned about his new wife's innocence, on the way to the airport the groom whipped out his dick in the back of the honeymoon limo, "Do you know what this is?"

"It's a wee-wee."

"From now on we're gonna calls this a BFC. A Big Fucking Cock."

"Bullshit," she said, "I've seen a lot of big fucking cocks. That's a wee-wee."

* * *

A woman told her psychiatrist, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again."

"That's flattering."

"Not really. I think he's just after the money I married him for."

* * *

On their wedding night the man turned off the lights, stripped naked, jumped into bed and placed his cock in his wife's hand. "That's thoughtful, honey," she said, "but you'll have to turn the light back on if you want to write thank you notes."

* * *

Two sisters met for lunch. "How's your love life," said Vicki to Ricki.

"Great," said Ricki, "I had a date the other night and my new man said those four magic words."

"Will you marry me?"

"No. Put your money away."

* * *

Two daughters were concerned about their father's upcoming marriage. The widower was marrying a girl younger than themselves. "I don't get these May-December arrangements," said one. "I can see what December gets: a hot little body, the envy of his friends, some hot sex; but what does May get from December?"

The other sister replied, "Christmas."

* * *

A woman walks into a bar wearing a full length fur coat. The bartender says, "Lady, that's terrible. Do you know how many animals died so you could wear that coat?"

She says, "Do you know many animals I had to fuck to get this coat?"

* * *

A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why so sad?"

He says, "My wife told me she's only going to do it in the Missionary position."

"Nuthin' wrong with that."

"She meant her on her back in bed and me in Africa."

* * *

A mild-mannered man is sick of his big-mouth boss ordering him around so he enrolls in a self assertion course. He attends the seminar, practices the visualizations and role-playing exercises and is feeling pretty good about himself. He wants to try out his new self assertion skills so he busts through the front door and greets his wife: "From now on I'm the man in his house and my word is fucking law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now get your ass upstairs and lay out my new suit on the bed because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then drawn me a fucking bath. And when I get out of the bath guess who is gonna dress me and comb my hair?"

"My best guess," she said, "would be the undertaker."

* * *

A man walks into a bar and says to the female bartender, "What would you say to a little ass?"

"I'd say," she replies, "What do you want to drink?"

* * *

Why does a bride smile as she walks down the aisle?

She knows she's given her last blowjob.

* * *

CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE:

Cucumbers won't write your name and phone number on the men's room wall.

A cucumber can get away on any weekend.

A cucumber won't tell other cucumbers that you are no longer a virgin.

A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.

Cucumbers stay hard for a week.

A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne film festival.

At the drive-in you can sit in the front seat.

A cucumber can always wait until you get home.

A cucumber won't ask, "Am I the first?"

You can fondle cucumbers in the supermarket and know how firm they are before you take them home.

Cucumbers are easy to pick up.

Cucumbers don't get "Too Excited".

A cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count.

The average cucumber is at least six inches long.

You can get a room in a hotel without having to check in as "Mrs. Cucumber."

You can go to the movies and actually see the film.

With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.

A cucumber won't give oral sex up for Lent.

Cucumbers don't have sexual hang ups.

Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed in high heels.

Cucumbers aren't into rope, leather, bondage or fucking your sister.

You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.

Cucumbers never need a round of applause.

Cucumbers never ask: "Did you come?" "How many times?" "How was I?" "Am I the best?"

Cucumbers aren't jealous of old boyfriends, your gynecologist, tennis instructor, or hair dresser.

Cucumbers don't want to join your support group.

Cucumbers aren't into meaningful discussions.

Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one.

Cucumbers will never make a scene just because there are carrots in the refrigerator.

A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother visits.

A cucumber doesn't care what time of the month it is.

No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh, hard cucumber.

Cucumbers can handle rejection.

A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.

A cucumber never wants to fuck when your nails are wet.

With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.

Cucumbers don't drool, burp, fart, scratch themselves, or leave whisker burns.

A cucumber will never, ever give you a hickey.

After sex a cucumber will never want to shake hands and just be friends.

After sex a cucumber will never call you a cab.

After sex a cucumber will never call his mother, ex-wife, best friend, or therapist.

After sex a cucumber will never tell you he isn't the marrying kind.

After sex a cucumber will never tell you he is the marrying kind.

Cucumbers stay up all night.

Cucumbers never make you sleep on the wet spot.

Cucumbers don't leave you worrying for a month.

A cucumber won't send you to the drugstore for condoms.

Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy would "Ruin it for me."

A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.

A cucumber won't start your crossword puzzle in ink.

Cucumbers aren't allergic to cats.

Cucumbers don't get the flu and whine.

Cucumbers will never borrow your car, cell phone, or money.

A cucumber will never use your toothbrush or leave the toilet seat up.

A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your beer.

A cucumber won't turn your bathroom into a library.

Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest.

Cucumbers don't leave hair in the sink.

A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are in the shower.

Cucumbers don't leave their shit-streaked underwear on the floor.

You don't have to wait until half-time to talk to your cucumber.

A cucumber won't wear shorts to your office Christmas party.

Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than them.

A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.

You'll never discover that your cucumber is married, on penicillin, or likes cucumbers just as much as you do.

Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold.

Cucumbers won't tell you they liked you better with long hair.

A cucumber will never come home late from work smelling like another woman.

A cucumber never holds your head under the covers and farts, snaps your bra, pinches your ass, or gives you a wedgie.

You always know where your cucumber has been.

A cucumber will never call you "The Wife".

Cucumbers don't have mid-life crises.

A cucumber won't be upset if he sees you out with a banana from the office.

A cucumber won't brag to his friends if he gets you pregnant.

Cucumbers go as fast or slow as you want, for as long as you want.

Cucumbers don't mind if you're on top.

A cucumber won't go to Vegas on New Year's Eve.

Cucumbers don't have mothers.

A cucumber won't ask to be put through medical school.

A cucumber doesn't care if you want to spend Christmas with your family.

A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.

Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers

A cucumber will never say, "Let's keep trying until we have a boy!"

Cucumbers never want to make love with the lights on.

A cucumber will never ask that his little cucumbers be raised Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, or vegetarian.

It's really, really easy to drop a cucumber.

A cucumber never rolls over and goes to sleep after he's had his but before you've had yours.

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY:

You only eat a cucumber when you feel like it.

* * *

A stunning woman walks into a bar and orders a Chivas. The man next to her says, "Would you like to spend the weekend with me?"

She says, "Your unabashed and cavalier attitude toward the otherwise serious and sacred aspects of sexual congress precludes any positive response to your tasteless query."

He says, "I don't get it."

She says, "Precisely."

* * *

A regular walks into a bar and the bartender has a Metaxa waiting for him: "Thanks."

The bartender says, "You're welcome."

"You and the missus still battling it out?"

"Yes. But after our last go round she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? What did she say?"

"She said: 'Get your ass out from under the bed you cowardly fuck.'"

* * *

A couple walks into a bar. They order a bottle of champagne and begin discussing who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman. After a lengthy and persuasive argument by the man the woman says, "Say your ass itches. You stick your hand down the back of your pants extend your index finger and scratch like hell. What feels better when you pull your hand out, your index finger or your ass?"

* * *

A drop-dead-gorgeous woman walks into a bar. She orders a Cosmo and starts crying. "What's wrong?" asks the bartender.

"My new husband lost all his money in the stock market."

"And you feel badly for him?"

"Yes," she says, "he's going to miss me terribly."

* * *

A woman walks into a bar and orders a sloe gin fizz. "Don't you recognize me?" asks the bartender. "Four years ago I asked you to marry me."

She says, "And did I?"

* * *

Two hookers walk into a bar, order a drink and discuss how their evenings went: "The oddest thing happened to me tonight."

"What's that?"

"A man walked up to me and asked how much. I said $100. He tells me he's only got $20 bucks, then he unzips and shows me the biggest cock I've ever seen in my entire life."

"So what did you do?"

"What else could I do? I loaned him $80."

* * *

Three women walk into a bar, order a round, and begin discussing their boyfriends. The first one says, "I call my boyfriend Seven-up because he has seven inches and it's always up."

The second one says, "I call my boyfriend Mountain Dew, because he always wants to mount me and do me."

"I call my boyfriend Grand Marnier."

The first girl says, "Grand Marnier? Isn't that some sort of fancy liquor?"

The third girl smiles and says, "Yep."

* * *

Two Irish sisters, Mary and Molly, are working in the garden when Mary yanks this huge carrot out of the ground. She says, "My God, this carrot reminds me of my husband Seamus."

"The size of it?" asked Molly.

"No. The dirt all over it."

* * *

Doris said to her sister, "I have to be extremely careful not to get pregnant."

"But I thought Bill got a vasectomy?"

"Precisely."

* * *

A landlady couldn't stand it any longer. She barged into her boarder's room and said, "Jimmy, take off my shoes."

He did.

"Now take off my dress."

He did.

"Remove my bra and panties."

He did.

"And if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again I'm gonna kick your ass outta here."

* * *

Why are men like grapes?

You have to stomp the shit out of them and keep them in the dark for years before they become something you'd want to have dinner with.

* * *

Cinderella is visited by the Fairy Godmother who fixes her up for the ball. "But this time," says the F.G., "you have to wear a diaphragm."

"A diaphragm?"

"A diaphragm that will turn into a pumpkin at the stroke of midnight."

So Cinderella is transformed by a wave of the wand and the diaphragm is in place. She dances the night away while the F.G. waits. 11:37. 11:52. 11:59. 12:07. 12:41. 1:13. 2:26. and it's 3:06 before Cinderella arrives home—with a beatific smile on her face. "Where," says the F.G., "have you been. And where's the pumpkin?"

"I met this great guy who took care of everything."

"A guy? A mere mortal who can reverse my spell? What is this man's name?"

Cinderella looks dreamily at the ceiling, "His name was Peter, Peter something."

* * *

Two women are having their nails done. One of them says, "The oddest thing happened this week?"

"What?"

"Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

"That is odd. What are you taking for it?"

"Pepper."

* * *

How are Disneyland and Viagra similar?

With both you wait an hour for a three minute ride.

* * *

Why are Lifesavers superior to men?

They come in five colors.

* * *

A divorce lawyer said to his wife after a hard day at work, "I've come to the simple conclusion that common sense can prevent most divorces."

"And," she replied, "most marriages."

* * *

A man goes in for a tonsillectomy and mistakenly gets a sex change. "I'm suing," he screams. "I can't believe I'll never experience another erection."

"Oh sure you will," said the doctor. "It will just be someone else's."

* * *

A woman spent nearly half an hour reading cards at a stationery shop. The clerk finally came over and asked, "May help you?"

"I hope so. Do you have any, I'm sorry I laughed at your dick cards?"

* * *

A lady is doing 30 mph over the speed limit. A cop with a radar gun lurking beneath the bridge pulls her over. "Why are you in such a hurry?"

"I'm late for work."

"What do you do for a living?"

"I am a rectum stretcher."

"What does a rectum stretcher do?"

"I put two gloves on, grease up with some KY Jelly, shove in one hand and then shove in the other hand. Then I pull until the asshole is about six feet wide."

"What do you do with a six foot asshole?"

"Give him a radar gun and hide him under a bridge."

* * *

How are men and buses similar?

Both stop before you get off.

* * *

A Muscle Beach muscle-head was showing off by strutting around with a bikini-ed girl perched on each bicep. "Wow," said a passerby, "look at the girls on that boob."

* * *

Grandpa and Billy are digging worms for their fishing trip. Grandpa, always the practical joker, tells little Billy, "I'll give you $5 if you can get that worm back into the hole." Billy thinks for a minute, runs upstairs and returns with a can of hairspray. He sprays until the worm is rigid and jams it back in its hole. Grandpa says, "I'll be right back." Half-an-hour later he returns and hands Billy a $100 bill."

"Grandpa, you said you'd give me $5."

"I know, the other $95 is from your grandma."

* * *

A 92 year old woman returned home from bingo to find her 98 year old husband in bed with another woman. She hit him in the head with her purse, kicked the lady out of the apartment, then threw him off the balcony where he plummeted to his death, three stories below. At the arraignment, the judge asked her, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

"Your Honor, I figured that if he could fuck at 98; he could fly."

* * *

Dick Cheney bursts into Dubya's office, "I've got good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"God's on the phone."

"What's the bad news?"

"She's calling from Baghdad and sounds pissed."

* * *

What's the difference between Hard Up and Down and Out?

For most guys, about two minutes.

* * *

Why does a man have a hole in his cock?

To get air to his brain.

* * *

A woman walks into a gun shop and says, "I'd like to buy a shotgun for my husband."

"What does he like: .10 gauge, .12 gauge, .14 gauge?"

"Doesn't matter. The dumb fuck doesn't even know that I am going to shoot him."

* * *

Millie and Willie were watching a boxing match. Two minutes into the first round there's a knockout. "Fuck," says Willie, "two minutes and it's over?"

Millie says, "Now you know how I feel."

* * *

A hiker finds a lamp and, of course, rubs it and a genie appears: "You have one wish."

"I'm career oriented. I want the world's most challenging job—an occupation no man has ever attempted."

"Poof," says the genie, "you're a housewife."

* * *

The boss calls the secretary into his office. "Who the fuck," he says, "told you that just because I slept with you can sit around all day and do nothing?"

"My lawyer."

* * *

"Mommy," says the little boy, "I want to be a surfer dude when I grow up."

"I'm sorry honey," she replies. "You can't do both."

* * *

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. Men will screw anything.

* * *

How are parking spots and men similar?

All the good ones are either taken or handicapped.

* * *

Why are guys so good at video games?

Great eye-hand coordination developed through years of masturbating.

* * *

Why do men have clear consciences?

Because they never use them.

# # #
