MELISSA CHOBAN: All
right, hello everyone.
Thank you so much for coming.
My name is Melissa
Choban, and I'm
very pleased to be
able to welcome a very
special guest to Google today.
She is Dr. Emma Seppala.
And she is the science director
of the Center for Compassion
and Altruism Research
and Education
at Stanford University, author
of "The Happiness Track"
and a leading expert on
health psychology, well-being,
and resilience.
She founded the popular
news site Fulfillment Daily
and contributes to "Psychology
Today" and "Harvard Business
Review."
A sought after-- well, a
thoughtful and sought after
speaker, Seppala-- "Sep-pa-la"--
has addressed academic,
corporate, and
governmental institutions.
Her work has been featured
in the "New York Times,"
ABC News, "Forbes," "The
Boston Globe," "US News & World
Report," "The Huffington Post,"
"Inc.," and "Fast Company."
Seppala holds degrees from
Yale, Columbia, and Stanford.
Originally from
Paris, France, she
speaks French, English, German,
Spanish, and mandarin Chinese.
So please give Miss Seppala
a very warm welcome.
[APPLAUSE]
EMMA SEPPALA: So
I'm going to start--
since we're talking
about happiness,
I'm going to start
with showing you
something that I saw in
downtown Palo Alto yesterday.
When I just got
off the plane and I
arrived and was looking for
some lunch, I walked by a store.
This is what it
said in the window.
"Whoever said money can't
buy happiness simply
didn't know where
to go shopping."
Anybody know where this was?
Right next to LYFE Kitchen.
So when we think about
the science of happiness
and when we look at it as
psychologists and researchers,
there are two different
kinds of happiness.
And one is the happiness that we
derive from sensual pleasures;
the happiness we derive
from things like shopping,
for example; from food;
from money; and even
from awards and achievements.
So all those things that give us
some kind of material pressure
or the pleasure that we
receive from succeeding
in some small way
gives us a boost.
Then the other form
of happiness that we
look at-- so the first
form of happiness
is something we call
hedonic happiness.
And the other is called
eudaimonic happiness.
And that is happiness
that's derived from things
like meaning, from things like
purpose, service, altruism--
something beyond
just your own self.
And if you look at the research,
the first type of pleasure,
which is basically you can
think of it as a sex, drugs,
and rock'n'roll pleasure--
it's so fun, right?
But it has a very
momentary, short-lived life.
It comes and goes very quickly.
And that leads us to want
more, which is actually
evolutionarily adaptive
because we want to eat again,
or we want to look for a
partner that has insured that we
survived and that our ancestors
survived and reproduced
and so forth.
But if we look at
eudaimonic happiness,
that's actually the source
of much more long lasting
well-being.
You can even think
of it as fulfillment.
It's not just a momentary joy.
It's something that lasts.
And I'll talk about
that a little more.
So that's just a
little introduction
to the topic of happiness since
we're talking about that today.
So one of the reasons that I
wrote "The Happiness Track"
was that I attended
Yale and Stanford,
and I've worked
there for many years.
And I saw that
alongside the brilliance
that's there-- and I know
many Google employees who went
to [INAUDIBLE] universities.
Along with the brilliance,
and along with the excitement,
the innovation, the amazing
learning opportunities,
also sometimes came misery.
What I mean by that is high
levels of stress, of anxiety.
In my first year at Stanford
as a graduate student,
I was pretty giddy.
Every day was biking
down Palm Drive,
palm trees on either side.
The sun is shining.
I just moved from
the East Coast.
So I was warm every day.
I was wearing a
t-shirt every day.
It was amazing.
And I was learning
from these legends.
I mean the people in
the academics there
are legends in their field.
And yet, that first
year I was there,
there were three
suicides on the campus.
And I was thinking, wow, we
have this amazing opportunity.
We're in this place that
people dream of coming to.
And yet, there's
so much despair.
And those were, of
course, extreme cases.
But what I saw was that
there was a lot of feelings
of stress and anxiety.
And I'll tell you one story
that really exemplifies
what I'm talking about.
So I started the psychology
of happiness class
with my colleague,
Carol [? Pitofsky, ?]
who's the head of
Health Improvement.
And I know some of
you actually were
students in that class,
which is wonderful.
And after one of the classes,
a student came up to Carol
and said, I have to drop out.
It goes against everything
I've ever learned.
And Carol said, what you mean?
And she said, well,
my parents told me
I have to be very,
very successful.
So when I asked them, how do I
become very, very successful,
they said you have to
work very, very hard.
And she said, OK.
And then she went back to
them and said, how do I know
when I'm working hard enough?
And they said, when
you're suffering.
Again, it's an extreme example,
but it's one that we actually
all buy into a little bit.
It's one that we see.
And it's one of the
reasons we're seeing
50% burnout across industries.
It doesn't matter if you
work for a nonprofit,
if you work for
the medical field.
We're seeing huge levels.
And 50% is on the
lower end of what
we're seeing across industries.
We're seeing that 80% of doctors
visits are due to stress.
And we're also seeing that
75% of employees in the US
workforce are disengaged.
And that's not to
mention-- and we've all
heard the impacts of
stress, that stress
is linked to diseases
that are-- like asthma,
diseases like diabetes,
and a host of other things
that we're seeing very
much in our society today.
So I was very interested
in this topic of happiness.
And I dove into it as
a graduate student.
And the more I dove
into it, the more
I was shocked to see that the
research suggests something
very different from
what we're thinking.
So the idea that we're buying
into-- the misconception
that we have is that in
order to be successful,
we have to sacrifice,
or at least postpone,
our own happiness
now with the idea
that later we'll be successful,
and therefore, we'll be happy.
But if you look at the data,
it actually proves us wrong.
And I'm going to go through
some theories of success
that we have.
And I'll go through
them now so that you
can see that they are some of
the ideas that we buy into.
The first one is that you've
got to focus on the future.
You need to keep your
eyes on the prize
in order to get things done,
and I'll go into that more.
The idea that we can't have
success without stress-- again,
that is so exemplified by
that student, what she shared.
Persevere at all
costs-- just keep going.
Work to exhaustion
sometimes, but that
is the way to meet your goals.
Focus on your niche.
Become an expert.
Become the go-to
person in your field.
Spend most of your
time reading up on it
and becoming the person who
knows absolutely everything.
And then play to your strengths.
You're good at some things.
Other things, you're weaker at.
Do the things you're good at.
And finally, look
out for number one.
It's kind of a
dog-eat-dog world.
It's competitive.
You have to look out
for yourself first.
And sometimes, that means
elbowing people out of the way.
Would you agree that those
are some of the theories that
are out there?
Whether or not they're yours,
they're some of the theories
that we hear about
and learn about.
I'm going to go
through some of them.
And I'll tell you a little
bit about what the data says.
Focus on the future.
Focus on the future means
keeping a mind on your goals
and where you want
to go at all times.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Obviously, it's a great
idea to have ambitions
and to have kind of a game
plan of what you would like.
However, we can spend
most of our time
with our mind in the future.
And that actually
is problematic.
So actually much of the
time, our mind is wandering.
How many of you have
had your mind wander
since I started talking?
OK, good.
It means you're normal.
So I'm not going to
take it personally.
So 50% of the time,
our mind wanders.
Research out of Harvard
was done in which
there was a study in which
participants took a Blackberry
home.
And they were pinged
randomly throughout the day
and asked, what are you doing?
What are you thinking about?
And how are you feeling?
So basically, they
were looking at
were people thinking about
what they were doing,
or was their mind wandering?
And how did that make them feel?
The most interesting
thing was the result.
The result showed
that you are never
happier than when you are
in the present moment.
So even if your mind is
wandering to something
you'd rather be
doing-- let's say
you're doing something
you really don't like,
like your taxes, or
like entering data,
or something that
is boring to you.
Your mind is wandering
to your next vacation,
which will be in Hawaii.
You will be happier actually
if you're 100% with your taxes.
I hope that's motivation
for everybody.
But if you think about it,
when our mind is in the future,
the emotions that
brings up is anxiety.
It's negative emotions,
oftentimes-- not always,
but oftentimes.
But even when
you're more present,
you're actually more productive.
You can get more done.
And we can actually spend a
lot of time not being present.
And because of how much we
were interrupted during the day
through technology, which is
a wonderful thing, obviously--
we're at Google.
But on the same level,
we are interrupted
a lot through text
messages, through phones,
through e-mails,
through messaging.
And we're constantly
being pulled out
of what we're doing,
which actually
impacts our productivity a lot.
More than being interrupted,
we interrupt ourselves
by taking that phone
and checking it
for no good reason in
the middle of something
that we're doing which
we were focused on.
The other thing that's
a very big predictor
of our success and our
happiness is our relationships
with other people.
And those are very
important in the workplace.
And one thing that very
successful people seem to have
is charisma.
And we often think of
charisma as this skill,
this special je ne sais
quoi that you're born with.
These people just walk in the
room, and they're magnetic.
And they just-- it's like a
gift or it's some kind of talent
that they have.
But what research shows
is that no, it's not.
It's a skill.
It's something you can master.
So the examples are
often given of people
like Bill Clinton, who
apparently would just
come in the room,
and he would make
you feel like you were the
only person in the room.
So people with charisma are
often described that way.
I felt like I was the
only person in the room.
What does that mean, actually?
It just means that
that person was
being 100% present with you.
And if you look at
charisma and research
on charisma, what
the data shows is
that it has a lot to do
with being able to be fully
present with another person.
And think about it.
How often is somebody
really present with you?
How often are you
talking to someone,
and they're scanning the room?
Or they're like, oh really, and
they're looking at their phone?
Or you're talking to
them, and you're like,
they're not listening
to me right now.
You can tell.
It's so rare to
actually have someone
who fully listens to you.
Other skills of highly
charismatic people
is the ability to empathize
with another person,
to really understand what
they're going through.
And you can only do that
if you're 100% tuned in.
Our physiology is
built for empathy.
That's why when you see
someone tripping down the hall,
you cringe.
That's why when you look at
someone who's face crinkles up
because they're crying
or who is angry,
you mirror that person with
your own facial muscles,
whether you know it or not.
And that's what empathy is.
But if you're not
fully present, you
don't tap into that very
natural skill that you have.
So I could go on about
empathy, but there
are a lot of reasons to
why presence actually makes
us more successful and happier.
And I could go more
into that later too.
So focusing on the future--
yes, it's a good thing,
but most of the time,
we want to stay present.
Next is the idea of no
success without stress,
that it's just impossible not
to have stress in some capacity.
And I would think
that's something
we all really buy into.
And short-term
stress is fantastic.
It gets us through
that deadline.
It gets us across the street
when there's oncoming traffic.
It mobilizes our entire
body to just move forward
towards a goal.
But if you're having
it all the time--
and I'm sure you've heard
this ad nauseum because it's
been talked about so much-- it
actually breaks your body down.
But it also breaks
your mind down.
It impacts skills
like attention.
It impacts skills like memory.
It impacts skills like
emotional intelligence,
the ability to respond
to people in a way that's
really skillful.
It impacts your
decision making as well.
Yet, we've come to a
point where we completely
depend on that adrenaline.
That's why we've
over-caffeinate.
That's why we
over-schedule ourselves.
That's why we wait until the
last minute to get things done.
Because there's just a
sense, that's the only way.
And that's why we
do all of that.
And yet, that's why we burn-out.
Because when you're constantly
in a state of high adrenaline,
your body is overworking
all the time,
and you are wearing
yourself out completely,
which is why-- oh, it's 2:00 PM.
I need another coffee.
I need another jolt
because I'm so exhausted.
There's a better way
to manage your energy,
and that's to tap into another
part of your nervous system,
which is the parasympathetic
nervous system, to calm
yourself down.
And I've worked with arguably
the most stressed individuals
in our society, which are
veterans returning from Iraq
and Afghanistan with trauma.
They're locked into a permanent
state of fight-or-flight
because of what
they've been through,
which was-- it's a very normal
reaction to a very unusual
circumstance of being at war.
And working without them, I saw
that the therapies that they
were going through hadn't helped
those who were in the study,
nor had the pharmaceuticals.
And the intervention
we used with them
is an intervention
that taps right
into the parasympathetic nervous
system, which is a very simple.
You're doing it right now.
It's breathing.
We don't tap into this.
And it's a really
fantastic, best-kept secret
about the breath.
And I go into this
a lot in the book.
But just in short, when
you breathe deeply,
when you breathe slowly, and
when you lengthen your exhales,
you are relaxing
your entire body.
Your heart rate decreases.
Your blood pressure decreases.
So if you remember
anything from today,
remember, slow, deepen
and lengthen the exhales
especially.
When you're inhale, your
heart rate increases.
When you exhale, your
heart rate decreases.
So if it worked for them,
it can work for you as well.
So it's why I'm
sharing this with you.
And I also know that your
well-being group here
teaches a lot about breathing.
So you should definitely
look into that.
I want to tell you
a story about that.
And just-- because
it sounds so simple.
We've all heard it--
take a deep breath.
Who cares?
Well, here's a story.
A friend of mine,
Jake, was probably
on the most stressful
commute you could imagine.
He was on a military
convoy in Afghanistan.
He was the officer in charge
of the very last vehicle.
Somehow, none of
the other vehicles
drove over this IED, the
Improvised Explosive Device,
but his did.
He heard a really loud bang.
When the dust settled,
he looked down
and his legs were
severed below the knee.
He had learned a
breathing technique
in a book called "On Combat"
by Lieutenant Colonel
Grossman, which was
a book that helped
military members to learn some
skills, including breathing.
He learned a
technique, which-- I
think it's called the square
breath-- which you breathe in
for for, hold for four, out
for four, hold for four.
He dropped right into
that in that moment.
He had the presence
of mind to do that.
And as he did that,
he had the wherewithal
to check on his men-- is
everybody OK-- to then give
orders to call in for help.
He had the presence of mind
to look down at his legs
and tourniquet them himself,
to lift them up, prop them up.
And then when he knew
that everything was done--
he had done his
duty and that help
was coming-- that's when
he laid down and passed out
at that moment.
Later he was told
if he hadn't done
that, he would have bled to
death or fallen into a coma.
So it's a very intense
example, I know.
But it's also an
example that really
shows us the power we
have over our own mind,
no matter what
we're going through,
to calm ourselves-- even if
we're not saving our life.
That day, we may
be saving our day.
We may be able to resolve a
situation much, much better.
So please take this with you.
And so the idea is
here that yes, we
have a lot of stressful
situations that come at us.
We have a lot of demands.
They can be work demands.
They can be personal demands.
But we have the choice
of how resilient
we are in that moment.
We do have a choice.
And we've often been told, oh,
just talk yourself out of it.
Or you try to talk yourself
into being more relaxed.
It doesn't really work.
We know that.
But you can tap into your
parasympathetic nervous system.
We're so used to being
always in fight-or-flight.
So just learning to actually
tap into that other side--
it's a real gift that we have.
So strengthen your resilience.
So the next idea is to persevere
at all costs-- just keep going.
Sometimes, it means burning
the candle at both ends.
Sometimes it means completely
exhausting yourself
because you just have to do it.
And again here, what we're
doing is we're really
mismanaging our energy.
So just as I was
saying that we choose
to tap into our
adrenaline-- we want
to be stressed in order
to get through things.
We've gotten to
the point where we
think we can't get something
done unless we really
do have this high-intensity
life adrenaline rush.
We actually think the same
thing, even in our leisure.
So if you ask Americans
to define happiness,
it's very interesting.
Because happiness can be
defined in different ways.
For example, happy emotions
include calmness, serenity,
peacefulness.
They include emotions
on the other side
of intensity-- excitement,
thrill, enthusiasm, elation.
If you ask Americans to define
happiness, they will say,
excitement, enthusiasm, thrill,
elation, which is-- there's
nothing wrong with that.
It's fantastic.
But we really love high
intensity at every level.
We like high intensity in
terms of our negative emotions
because we think it will
get us more work done.
And we like it in
our leisure as well.
And again, here I'm just
talking about energy management.
It's fantastic to
be enthusiastic.
So in fact, I'm pretty
enthusiastic right now.
But the idea is to
manage your energy.
So when you don't
need to be giving your
all, when you don't need
to be in high stress,
when you don't need to
be in high intensity,
that you don't have to be.
And I'm going to share
with you a tip because this
is a working tip in terms
of energy management.
But also later, I'm going to
go into why this actually makes
you more creative as well.
If you have your
day in front of you
with your number of
tasks that you have,
the best way for you
to manage your energy
and to tap into your most
creative potential for that day
is to sandwich high and
low intensity activities
back to back.
And what I mean by
that, high intensity
is the ones that are very
intellectually rigorous,
intellectually demanding.
They do require all
of your attention.
And then the ones that are
lower intensity are the ones
that you can do, but they let
your mind wander a little bit.
They let you relax a little bit.
It could be cleaning your desk.
It could be entering data.
Whatever those-- or maybe
administrative paperwork,
whatever it is that's
not so demanding.
And when you alternate
that, not only will it help
you manage your energy,
but it will actually
make you more creative and more
productive in those moments
when you're doing the high
intensity activities that
are very demanding.
So that is all based
on some research
in organizational psychology.
So the next one is
focus on your niche.
This one sounds like
it really makes sense.
You really have to focus.
And in order to come up with
the most innovative disruptive
solutions in your
field, you really
need to be a master of it.
You need to read up on
the latest developments.
You need to know everything
that's going on all the time.
And if you look at
what CEOs are looking
for in the incoming workforce,
the number one thing
that they say they want
in incoming employees
is creativity.
Of course, right?
Because you have to come
up with novel solutions
to be the best in your field.
And yet if you look at
research on creativity,
we are at our most creative
when our mind is very relaxed
and very idle.
Have you ever had
that happen to you
when you're just about to go to
sleep, and you're lying there,
and all the sudden, you
have this great idea
about this thing
you were working on?
Or you're in the shower.
And you're like, oh
my gosh, the solution
is here-- that eureka moment.
And there's a lot of
data to back that up.
Our brain is most
creative when it's
in delta mode, which is that
really relaxed day-dreamy,
idle, a little sleepy moment.
And that's something that we
sometimes these days never
access-- never access.
Think about it.
I'm not going to
ask how many of you
sleep with your phone
under your pillow
or right there in hand's
reach, but I would probably
say most of you.
I don't know.
I don't want to judge.
But in general, most people
do that, right, because you
have to for whatever reason.
But what that means
is when you wake up,
you look at your screen.
You're focused.
Then you get up to do whatever.
You're commuting or whatever
it is that you're doing.
If you're standing at the bus,
you're looking at your screen.
You're waiting for a plane.
You're looking at your screen.
All those-- you're
standing at the groceries.
Send off another
quick e-mail or text.
Again, nothing wrong with that.
It's so great to be connected.
And yet in the past, we would
take those moments to be idle.
We would wait for the bus, and
we would just wait for the bus.
We would stand in
line at the groceries,
and we'd just stand in
line at the groceries.
And those were moments
that were really
priming our mind to hove those
creative, innovative insights.
We can spend our
entire day focused.
Not only is this
energy mismanagement,
but it's also hampering
our creative ability, which
is arguably one of the
most important things
no matter in your work
or your personal life.
Think about it.
I don't know how many
of you have kids,
but sometimes, it takes
a lot of creativity
to get them to eat some food
or to get them to sleep.
So these are all things
that we need to-- besides,
creativity brings a lot of joy.
And I interviewed some of the
greatest and most creative
minds when I was writing
"The Happiness Track"--
Nobel laureates,
award-winning writers.
And what I found
again and again was
that they make time for
silence, walks by themselves
without a phone.
They make time for
meditation and activities
that really just calm
and settle their mind.
They also make time to
diversify what they're doing.
Instead of focusing
only on their niche,
they're learning completely
different things.
How many of you are aware of
a platform called InnoCentive?
Yeah, it's an online platform
in which organizations like NASA
will pose a problem.
We need to find a new kind
of fuel made from corn that's
really efficient and
environmentally friendly,
or something like that.
And when you look at-- and
so scientists and engineers
respond and they can make
some money off of that.
When you look at who is
most likely to resolve
the problems posed, it's
not people in that field.
It's people just outside of
it, that ability to see things
from a different perspective.
And that's what
generates creativity.
So it's so great to
focus on your niche.
Yes, be an expert.
But don't limit yourself.
Research on students who take
semesters abroad or do semester
at sea shows that
when they come back
after witnessing new
cultures, new ways of being,
are much more creative
than other people.
So this should be an excuse-- an
excuse to disengage from work,
an excuse to learn those
different things that you want
to learn but that you just don't
have time for because you're
so busy, an excuse to
really take some time
to just be idle and do nothing,
which is so counter-intuitive
and seems so counterproductive.
And yet, it is the
most productive thing
you can do that also is going
to boost your well-being in so
many ways.
Here's another-- play
to your strengths.
So we actually really have
always learned that, right?
OK, I'm a math person.
Therefore, I must do
math kind of things.
Or I'm a people person.
Or I'm just not a
creative person.
Or I am a creative person.
So we have this sense.
And again when you
look at the research,
what does the research say?
Our brains are meant to
develop and to learn.
And we know that our brain
will continuously learn.
You can be 91 and you
can learn the piano.
It doesn't matter
how old you are.
And yet when we are married
to this idea of just playing
to our strengths, it also makes
us less resilient sometimes.
Because as soon as we fail,
we have this idea-- oh,
I failed at this.
Therefore, I must
not be good at it.
Therefore, I'm not going
to do that anymore.
So research actually out of
Stanford University-- Carol
Dweck, a professor there,
has shown this with children,
with adults.
If you believe this idea
that you have certain talents
and gifts and you don't have
other talents and gifts so you
should avoid them,
it actually makes
you less resilient
and more anxious
and depressed in the face
of failure or challenge.
And it makes you
less likely to grow.
I mean, just think about it.
If you stay within the box in
which you identify yourself
as a people person or a
math person or whatever,
and you don't go where you
think you're not good at,
you actually limit
yourself tremendously.
And there's so much data on
that that we can go into.
But it also really ties
into self-criticism.
So we often think of
self-criticism as,
be your own worst critic.
It's really important
because then, that
will lead to self-improvement.
That's another huge myth.
So research on
self-criticism shows
that if you are
self-critical, you're
more likely to be
anxious, depressed.
You'll have fear of failure.
You're less likely to
be resilient in the face
of failures, mistakes, which
we all make all the time.
And a much better solution
to that is self-compassion.
It sounds really soft, but
it's actually really smart
and supported by a
lot of hard data.
Self-compassion is
simply the ability
to treat yourself as
you would a friend.
So let's say you
fail at something.
Think about how you speak
to yourself in that moment.
I'll give you an example.
You're running a marathon.
You've been training for
months-- first marathon ever.
You're running along.
You trip and fall.
Someone on the sideline
says, you're such a loser.
You can't run.
Oh my gosh, you're never
going to finish this thing.
How do you feel-- compared
to someone in the other side.
Everybody falls.
It's totally normal.
You're doing great.
You can totally do this.
Just imagine how the
difference feels.
We're doing the same thing to
ourselves with self-criticism.
Research shows self-criticism
is self-sabotage.
But the ability
to treat yourself
like that person who
is more supportive
is how you would
speak to a friend.
Presumably when
your friend fails,
you speak to them like that.
You remind them
everyone makes mistakes.
It's just a human thing.
And you're going to do fine.
And you're being
supportive in that way.
So again, it sounds
very soft, but if you
are more self-compassionate,
you are more resilient.
You are more likely to
learn from your experiences.
You're more
emotionally resilient,
and you're more
emotionally intelligent.
And you also have
better relationships
with other people.
That better relationship
with yourself
translates into
better relationships
with other people.
So again, instead of playing
your strengths-- play
to your strengths.
I'm not saying you shouldn't.
But I'm saying you
should also branch out.
Because only then are
you going to realize
the plethora of other
talents that you can develop.
And finally, this is
my very favorite one.
Look out for number one.
Again the idea is it's
a dog-eat-dog world.
Sink or swim.
Compete at all costs.
There's this idea of
survival of the fittest.
Anybody know who said
survival of the fittest?
AUDIENCE: [INAUDIBLE].
EMMA SEPPALA: No,
he didn't say that.
Herbert Spencer,
social Darwinist.
He wanted to justify social
and racial hierarchies.
That's why he
introduced this idea.
If you look at
Darwin's message, it
was much more akin to--
what he was saying was
that sympathy is what
really led to human survival
over the long-run.
Look at us.
Look at our skin.
We're so fragile.
We're so vulnerable.
There is no way we could
have lived out in the wild
if we didn't have each other.
It's not even possible.
And that's one of the things
that Darwin was saying,
is that that natural tendency
towards sympathy, empathy,
compassion is the reason
why we were able to survive.
And yet, there's this idea
also in the business world
and that economists have
propagated that we are selfish.
Aren't we all looking
out for ourselves first?
Again, no, if you
look at the research.
If you give people
very little time
to make a decision as to
whether they should act fairly
and generously versus
selfishly, their first instinct
is to act generously and fairly.
If you give them a little
more time to think about it,
maybe they'll change their mind.
But the same is
true in children.
The same is true
with animals-- rats.
If a rat sees another
rat suffering,
that they can help
out of their quandary,
they are going to do it.
At that level of
rats-- and then we
see it in much more evolved
animals too, like apes,
and chimps, and human beings
as small as 2 years old--
they will help if they see
someone in need of help.
It's very much within
our nervous system.
It's very much a very
natural tendency within us.
And yet, we hear that,
but aren't we all selfish?
There is a very
interesting study
conducted at Stanford
Business School,
actually, by Dale Miller looking
at why people don't help when
they're given the opportunity.
And often, people
will stop themselves
because the norm
of self-interest,
because of this idea that's out
there that we are all selfish.
So for example in one
study, these men were asked,
would you like to support
this breast cancer event?
And they said, sure.
And then later, they
changed their mind
when they were finding out that
they had to go to this meeting.
When they were asked,
well, why, the idea was
that maybe people would
think they were there
to pick up women because it
was an all-female event, right?
So they were stopping
themselves from doing something
they wanted to help
because they thought, well,
everyone else is going to
think I'm doing it selfishly.
There are a number of reasons
why we stop ourselves.
But let's look at the workplace.
I'll give you an example
of someone I'll call Drake.
He worked in an investment bank.
And he moved to this
investment bank.
It was called Bear Stearns.
It went under a
number of years ago.
But he moved into that
bank from another bank.
And when he got there, it
was such a ruthless place.
The other people at his
level, the other MDs,
wouldn't even address
him in the hallway.
They wouldn't even say hello.
People would compete
for each other's clients
and try to steal credit
for each other's work.
It was completely ruthless.
And when Drake arrived
there, he thought, well,
I can't do anything about
the people around me.
But he is a very kind person.
He's a very supportive person.
And he wasn't going
to change his values.
So he actually started
treating the associates
who worked with him
according to his values.
And he treated them very well.
He gave them opportunities they
wouldn't otherwise have had.
The other bankers would
work the associates
into the ground on Sunday
night after coming back
from their vacation
home in Long Island.
They would call their
associates and be like,
I need this by tomorrow
morning on my desk,
even if it wasn't
due the next morning.
And then the associates
would be expected
to work throughout the
rest of the day as well.
So they would do all
these brutal things.
And that was the norm.
So Drake didn't do that.
In fact, he gave the employees
a lot of opportunities.
He took them to client
meetings, let them present,
do things that they never
would have done at their level.
What ended up happening is
he won one of the largest
deals in his field.
And he continued
doing really well.
And the associates would work
with the partners or the MDs
that they wanted to work with.
So the MDs would pitch,
and the associates
could decide who they
wanted to work with.
Usually, they would work with
the person who would usually
bring in the greatest
deals because that
was in their best interest.
But once they
started finding out
how Drake was treating
people, they all
started working with him.
And he started doing so
well, to the point where
the other MDs, for
the first time ever,
actually came up to him and
were like, what are you doing?
Why does everyone
want to work with you?
And so if you look at
research across the board,
research shows that when our
leaders and our colleagues
are more positive, are more
supportive, we're more loyal.
We're more engaged.
Our health is better.
And employers often
think, well, employees
are only as loyal as the
biggest paycheck, right?
If someone next door gives
them a bigger paycheck,
they're going to leave.
But research shows
that no, employees
prefer to be happy
in a workplace
than to get a bigger
paycheck elsewhere.
And that happiness is defined
by their social relationships
with other people, by the
level of kindness and support
that they have for each other.
And if you think about it, we
spend more and more of our time
at work of the day.
We probably spend more time at
work than with our families.
So this is a place
where we obviously
want to feel that connection.
We obviously want to
feel that happiness.
There's so much more to say.
I'm going to stop here
and I'll take questions.
And I really hope
that from today, you
can take with you that
taking care of yourself
is the best thing
you can do-- not
just for your own happiness,
but for your professional goals.
And not just taking care of
yourself, but also taking
care of those around you.
And one more thing
about that is that as I
spoke about at the
beginning of the talk,
happiness can be defined as
this more pleasurable happiness,
which is very short-lived, or
a more meaningful life that's
defined by compassion,
by kindness,
and by caring for other people.
And research shows
that when you do engage
in a life that goes beyond
yourself that involves
being a positive impact and
being someone who uplifts
other people, you're also
not just going to be happier,
you're going to be healthier.
You're going to even
live a longer life.
So there is so much
data to back up
why happiness is such an
important feature of our lives
and why it's also-- you don't
have to sacrifice it in order
to be successful.
Thank you so much.
[APPLAUSE]
AUDIENCE: Thank you.
And thanks so much
for your talk.
I have a number of
questions about-- I
guess the first one is
stress being problematic.
Is it due to a
level of intensity
that is beyond
someone's capacity,
or is it because
there's disempowerment?
Is it because you're
given problems
that you don't feel
you can possibly solve
and you get into
this hopeless state?
So kind of another
way of asking this
is, is it possible to work
sustainably at high intensity
when you don't feel
disempowered without it having
adverse effect on your health?
EMMA SEPPALA: Thanks
for asking that.
Absolutely.
The truth is we can't
control our environment.
Stressful things
will happen to us,
whether we're in a stressful
work environment or not.
We'll have personal
things that happen
to us that are stressful.
We all have in this room.
We've all had it.
We all will continue to have it.
The only thing we can control
is our internal resilience.
And we can build
that resilience up so
that we are more capable of
dealing with those situations
without being so
torn up by them.
So that's my point there.
And one of the ways
of breathing, but I
talk about some other
ways as well in the book.
But that was mine.
Thanks for asking.
AUDIENCE: So
related to that-- do
you know of people, for
example, who can work in Silicon
Valley at the pace of the
tech world sustainably,
but through breathing
techniques and other techniques,
they're able to avoid a
lot of the common pitfalls
but still keep this high
pace of work output?
EMMA SEPPALA: Well, there's--
anybody know Mark [INAUDIBLE]?
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
EMMA SEPPALA: When you
say he exemplifies that?
AUDIENCE: Pretty much.
EMMA SEPPALA: Mark [INAUDIBLE]
teaches these breathing
practices at Google.
He's been working here forever.
And he absolutely comes
to mind when you ask that.
I highly recommend
that you all meet him.
And then I guess, does he
teach with you guys or--
FEMALE SPEAKER: No,
it's a separate program
called sky meditation.
EMMA SEPPALA: He
teaches sky meditation,
which is the breathing that I
research with veterans as well.
So I recommend taking his class.
AUDIENCE: You made
a great argument
for being compassionate
towards yourself,
breathing being one
way to tap into that.
What other tools do you see
as being key to self-care?
EMMA SEPPALA: Self-care
or self-compassion.
AUDIENCE: Self-compassion.
EMMA SEPPALA: Self-compassion.
Another way is just watching
how you talk you yourself.
It's a hard one, especially
because we have so much
bought into this idea that we
have to criticize ourselves.
And we've heard
other people do it.
And it's really just
having that internal check.
And I think that's where also
practices like meditation
can help, because you can
become more aware of what's
going on on the inside.
And then you can also do
something very concrete,
which is-- and it can
sound a little cheesy,
but it actually works,
research shows--
writing yourself a
letter in the face--
let's say you've just
failed at something
and you feel completely
down about yourself.
Writing a letter as
if you were writing
to a friend to
whom this happened
can be very therapeutic.
So those are some of the ways.
The other thing is also to
have a self-compassion mantra
or some kind of phrase that
you already know by heart
so that you can bring
it up in that moment.
It could be-- whatever it is.
In fact, the woman who started
research on self-compassion,
she had a child with autism.
And it was a little boy.
And they were on a plane, and
he was having a huge crisis.
And the bathrooms were closed.
She couldn't get
into the bathroom.
She had to be there
with him, making
this huge fuss on the plane.
There was nothing she could do.
And that in that moment,
she became very aware
of the impact of
self-compassion.
If she could soothe
herself in that moment,
she could handle that
crisis, which there was
nothing she could do otherwise.
So it's very powerful.
And she suggests having
these self-compassion matras,
so maybe just a phrase
that you bring to mind
and that you just know
ahead of time that you
can tell yourself.
Yeah.
AUDIENCE: Thank you.
EMMA SEPPALA: Thank
you for asking.
AUDIENCE: Of course.
Thank you, Emma, for coming.
This was a great talk.
I'm just looking at the
slide that you have up there
about look out for number one.
What advice would you
have for organizations
to build a system which doesn't
encourage people to just chase
for number one and
be more cooperative,
inclusive, and have more
psychological safety
and trust with each
other as also governing
factors of success, not
just who's at the top?
EMMA SEPPALA: Well, that's
one of the reasons I
wrote this book.
It's categorized in the
business category for a reason.
If employers, if
leaders know about this,
they will impact the
entire organization.
And by impacting and benefiting
the entire organization,
they also benefit all of
those employees' families.
I mean, it's a
huge repercussion.
And really what I would
say is, look at the data.
There is so much data now that
shows that having a bad boss
is bad for your heart, like
it leads to heart problems.
It leads to higher
inflammation, literally.
This is dramatic.
And yet, people
don't know about it.
And the opposite is true.
So if you have a
organization that's
supported by trust,
respect, empathy, it
doesn't mean you
have to be soft.
It doesn't mean you
have to be a pushover.
You can still give feedback.
But you can do it in a
supportive way instead
of like in an accusatory way.
The other day I was in the--
which newspaper was it?
In the "Wall Street
Journal," there
was an article about
front-stabbing.
It was this organization
that was all about,
let's stop backstabbing here.
Let's start front-stabbing.
Give it to people.
And then they'll learn.
And it just goes so
against the data.
I mean, that's a great way to
not just stress individuals
out and bring them down and
make them want to leave.
There are so many
reasons not to do that.
But you can give feedback.
You can give feedback.
And you can do it in a
really supportive way
that helps people grow.
And it actually makes
them more loyal to you.
I'll tell you a story.
Actually, this is a story that
I wrote about in the "Harvard
Business Review" interviewing
actually my current-- my boss,
who's also a neurosurgeon.
When he was a young
resident, he was
helping the surgeon do this
very complicated brain surgery.
And he was so nervous
that he was sweating.
And his sweat dripped
into the operation area.
The surgeon was so angry at him.
He just kicked him out
of the room-- basically
called him a loser.
You're never going to
be able to do this.
Now, he knows that if the sweat
has dropped into the area,
you can very easily irrigate
it, and it can be removed fast.
Now, the same
thing happened when
Dr. Doherty was
himself a surgeon
and he had a resident come in.
And the resident, in one
moment, did not pay attention,
and he pierced a vein
in the operation.
There was blood
all over the brain.
In the moment, Dr. Doherty
couldn't see what he was doing
and he could have cost him
the life of this person.
Fortunately he reached in
and blindly clipped that vein
and was able to save it.
But in that moment, what he
did was he told the resident,
why don't you go outside?
You know, just calm yourself.
And when you're ready,
you can come back inside.
And we'll talk
about how we can--
and I'll teach you a few things.
What a different response.
Think about if you
were that resident how
you would feel
toward that person
for the rest of your life.
Obviously, you're
devastated by your mistake.
But you'll probably be loyal
to that person forever.
That's inspirational leadership.
That is true loyalty.
If someone else
comes along and says,
hey, why don't you come work for
me, they'll be like, I'm sorry.
I love this person--
literally, right?
AUDIENCE: So I read the intro
to your book [INAUDIBLE]
as far as I've gotten, and it
was really, really captivating.
It's just this great microcosm
of that super busy tech Silicon
Valley life where you're just
chasing something day in,
day out.
So really, it kind
of just drew me in.
My question is, let's
say you can get past some
of those extrinsic motivators.
You start to be more
self-compassionate,
self-loving, and you
recognize that you
don't have to do everything,
accomplish everything, to be
a good person.
And it's just more
about choosing.
Should I take the 10 minutes
before bed to brush my teeth
or to do some stretching, yoga?
Should I read a book?
There's so many
things we could do
to improve-- learn a language.
Did you encounter, in
the research, anything
about decisiveness or
just sort of choosing
where to apply that
self-compassion attention
towards?
EMMA SEPPALA: Well,
what the research shows
is that any of those
activities that you
talk about that are nourishing
are going to benefit you.
It's more about choosing between
something that will benefit you
and something that
seems productive
but that will wear you out.
And I think that that's really
the quandary people are in.
It's like, well, but my
inbox, I could just empty it.
There's that desire for the
empty inbox, which never comes.
We all have it, right?
And yet-- yeah, so
it's more that choice.
But I think if you're
choosing something
that nourishes you
that gives you time
to disengage-- it gives you time
to relax-- it doesn't matter
what it is as long
as it also involves--
and very much as an individual,
we all know what nourishes us.
For some of us, we need
to go out and be with 20
best friends.
For others, we need to be alone.
It just depends, so yeah.
AUDIENCE: Very cool.
I appreciate that.
Thank you.
EMMA SEPPALA: Of course.
AUDIENCE: I wanted
to ask about boredom.
You were talking a
little bit about that.
We don't have so much time
sort of off doing nothing.
And I think you mentioned
being bored or boredom.
But I'm wondering, is
that sort of the goal,
or is it just
being more relaxed?
Because I feel like
if I'm bored, I get
stressed out about being bored.
EMMA SEPPALA: Thank
you for sharing that.
I need to share
with you this study.
So in this study--
in the first study,
participants were
given the choice,
you can either sit there
and just do nothing,
or you can sit there and
do this really boring task.
People chose to do the
really boring task.
Then the scientists
looked at, OK, well, here.
You can sit in this
room, do nothing.
You can either sit
there and do nothing,
or you can play with
that machine that
gives the electric shocks.
Even those people who said
the electric shocks were
very disagreeable
and very painful
preferred to do that than
to sit there and do nothing.
So thank you for
asking that question.
There is a profound discomfort
sometimes of doing nothing.
And Louis CK, by the way, has
a fantastic episode on that.
But in some sense, it's also
because of our high pressure
lifestyle and the
anxiety that can arise.
And I saw this a lot with the
veterans that I worked with.
If I had just told them
to sit there and meditate
as a first thing that they do,
they may not have taken to it.
Because the first thing
that we do when we stop,
especially when we used to go,
go, go, go, going all the time,
is we can feel a lot of
anxiety, like you are saying.
Thank you for sharing
that, because you're not
the only one.
And that's why it can
be-- but it's something
that if you sit through
it for a little bit
and if you just get
used to it, that's
going to be much better
than continuously trying
to cover that up with activity.
Because that just continues
you into that cycle.
But again, I would
really recommend
doing the breathing,
or the meditation,
and some of the things that
are going on here-- learning
to just be without discomfort.
Because what happens
is it goes away.
But if we're always covering
it up, it's still there.
But thanks for bringing that up.
Because you know what?
I think pretty much
everyone feels that.
And that's probably
the reason why
we so much need to
distract ourselves,
even if it's work all the time.
Yeah.
But if you look at kids, kids
are great people to-- they're
the most creative
individuals in our society.
They come up with--
you give them nothing
and they've created a
whole kingdom out of it.
And they are constantly in
that state of daydreaming.
They're constantly present.
They're constantly
connected with one another.
It's just something
very natural.
So that means we have it
too because we were kids
once a long time ago.
AUDIENCE: OK, thank you.
EMMA SEPPALA: You're welcome.
AUDIENCE: So since you
brought up children,
I have a question where I found
this theme among parents where
there's kind of a desire that,
well now that they're kids
and they can do all
these different things,
this is the time to have lots
of variety, lots of-- right?
Because when they get older
and they get into a job
they'll only do one thing
for the rest of their lives.
So let's give them a chance now
to do soccer, tennis, swimming,
ballet, and everything.
But then there's the question
of the over-programming.
And I'm wondering
to what extent do
you think there's a benefit to
doing lots of things as opposed
to just doing one
thing in an open time?
EMMA SEPPALA: Honestly, every
talk I've given on the book
so far, I've been asked
these questions from parents.
And it's so poignant.
It's such a good question.
I think that-- one of the women
that I last week she asked,
I could see pain in her eyes.
She was like, I really want
my child to get into Harvard.
So I have to get her
to do all this stuff.
And yet, my child
is so stressed.
It's so sad.
I would say have her child
do what makes them happy.
And if it's one activity, and
then they give them time to me.
Give them time to be a
child first and foremost.
It's so interesting.
I shared this [INAUDIBLE]
I was an undergrad at Yale
and a grad student at
Columbia and Stanford.
And I worked at Stanford.
And then I worked
at the University
of Wisconsin Madison,
which is all the best
students in Wisconsin
get into that school.
But it's obviously not like
the Harvard/Yale caliber.
Where were the students most
balanced, most happy, most
in touch with their values, most
in touch with their community?
In Wisconsin.
And the Stanford and the
Yale students-- so talented.
And they're geniuses
in so many ways.
And they're so-- you
know, I'm sure many of you
are students who have
been to those places.
And yet, the stress
level is so high.
They haven't learned
how to relax.
And also, there's a sense of
disconnect from the community.
And this is a piece of research
that I haven't shared yet
but that I want to share, is
that the most important thing
after food and shelter for our
happiness, well-being, health,
and longevity, is connections--
social connections,
positive connections--
with other people.
And yet, when we're constantly
being told, achieve.
Be the best.
Be number one.
Go, go, go-- we
are very stressed,
and we're really self-focused.
I'm not saying we're
selfish, but we're
self-focused naturally.
And when you're stressed, your
self-focus increases naturally.
This is something-- imagine
our ancestors running away
from some predator.
They'd better be focused
in that moment, right?
And yet, over time
with chronic stress,
and this self-focus
actually leads to misery.
One in four Americans
says they have no one
to speak to about
a personal problem.
One in four people you
meet is profoundly lonely.
So I'm going to a little bit
of tangent, but not really.
Let's teach our
children to be happy.
Let's value their happiness.
They'll be more creative.
They'll be more productive.
They'll work because they
are interested in the topic,
not because they have
to do it because we
have to get into Harvard.
You know what I mean?
AUDIENCE: Thank you.
EMMA SEPPALA: I think it's
such an important question,
and I'm going to try--
I've been drafting
an op-ed about it
because I've received
this question at every talk.
And parents feel
like, I have to keep
my child on the correct route.
But at the same time,
there's this disconnect.
So thank you for asking.
AUDIENCE: Thank you.
MELISSA CHOBAN: But
thank you, again.
And yeah, may
happiness be yours.
[APPLAUSE]
