♫ A Majestic, Mountainous Theme ♫
AARON: Okaaay. Here I aaam!
Hey! I escaped!
Fuck youuu, Solituude! HEH!
I always have so much fun in Solitude.
EMRE: Yeah! It's the *greatest*.
AARON [begrudgingly]: 'Return to the Sanctuary, Return to the--'  It seems like that's *all* I ever do.
AARON [quietly to himself]:...Why won't it let me do this?
The Sanctuary is GONE!
EMRE [feigning surprise]: REALLY??
AARON: What the fuck! It won't let me go there! There's *no* Sanctuary.
EMRE: That's not...*good*.
AARON: The HELL's going on?!
EMRE: Yeaaah, I think you could probably fit like *fourteen* footballs in that thing's mouth!
AARON: Shut up about footballs, okay? Astrid might be getting *killed* right now!
Well, I'm gonna ride in on my black horse and save Astrid's *ass*. This is gonna be awesome!
EMRE: YEP.
AARON: WHOOAAAAH HEH, HEH, HEH! Here I am!
EMRE: Eyyy! It's a party!
AARON: Hey. Watch it with those fireballs there, Mister.
YEW FUCKIN--Yew stay away from my Astrid, yew *SLUT*!
Oh, Jesus...
Shadowmere's like a heat-seeking missile.
Fuckin' SUCK it. Piece of *shit*.
Alright. Good job, Shadowmere. You're my pal.
Alright, I gotta go save Astrid! I'll be back in a few minutes!
Okay--W-What...the Hell..?
AARON [gasp]: What is goin' on here--OHmyGAWHD.
EMRE [just a bit distraught]: OH! FESTUS!
AARON [not so much]: OOhhh...You know, this is probably the most exciting Festus has ever been.
Ehhh, Festus? You okay there?
UHHH...Festus?
Eh. Look's like he's dead. Alright. I'm takin' your stuff!
AWHH! TWENTY GOLD?!
EMRE: Ugh.
AARON: What a *dick*.
AARON: Well, I expect Astrid will be waiting down innnn...her normal spot, right?
EMRE: Yeah! Probably just *chillin'* with like, fifty dead bodies around her.
AARON:..The Hell's going on...
Survivors?...What?
Where's Astrid? What the Hell's going on?
EMRE: God, you're awful.
AARON: Yeah, *you're* awful.
Alright, AAAASTRIIID??
Aaastrid...
Fuck you!
Hey, nice! That was a good hit, hey!
OH, SHIT! ARNBJORN! [GAAAAASP]
Wait, you're dead?
Arnbjorn??
Is he really dead?
EMRE: I thiiiink so.
AARON: OHMAHGAHD. I'm so excited! Astrid's *single*!
Fuckin' DIE, you stupid slut!
Alright, I need to go find Astrid...
It's *reaaally* exciting that Arnbjorn's dead, but I'm a little concerned about what's goin' on in here. It's kinda...
...*Spooky*.
EMRE [knowing exactly where she is]: I would assume she is *NOT* behind the giant wall of fire.
AARON: ASTRID! Astrid, he's dead!
Astrid, you and *ME*!
W-What happened?
Oh, my God. Gabriella's dead. *You* killed Gabriella! Ahhh...I'm just gonna let that go.
[EMRE continues to cackle like a madman over the chaos around them, knowing well of what awaits them]
AARON: Is that Nazir? Wait--
EMRE: Yeah, that's Nazir! Fuckin' save him!
AARON: I got--I'm trying to!
Jesus...
Nazir! What the Hell's going on, man?!
NAZIR: So, you *ARE* alive!
AARON: YEAH!
NAZIR: I was starting to wonder!
AARON: Where's Babbit?...Have you seen BABBIT?
What 'bout Babbit??
EMRE: I don't think she's down here, bro.
AARON: Ehh, alright. Fine.
[GRANNY NIGHT MAMA RETURNS FROM THE DEEP, WHISPERING SWEET NOTHINGS]
AARON: Wha--
GRANNY NIGHT MAMA: IIiiii am yourrr oooonly *SALVAAAATION*.
AARON:...Excuse me?
GRANNY NIGHT MAMA: CUUUUUMmmm...EMBRAAAaace Meeeehh...
AARON: Uh! Astrid! This is *not*a good time for a practical joke!
We should probably get going...
Why is she playing a fucking practical joke on me *right now*? This is *not* a good time.
AAAALRIGHT, ASTRIIID...I'll go along with it *this time*, but you know--
EMRE: WOW. She really pulled out all the stops for *this* practical joke, huh?
AARON: YEAH! She *really* did...
EMRE: WOW...
AARON [talking over violent, unseen explosions]: I told you I liked her sense of humor, but--WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING??
[EXPLOSIVE GURGLING]
AARON: It sounds like she just flushed me down a giant toilet.
♫
Uhh...
Hello?
[A tiny immortal child murmurs beyond the coffin door]
BABBIT?
NAZIR: Whoa, whoa, whoa! So down! It's alright...
You've been through a lot...Maybe, you should just sit down for a bit.
AARON: Yeah, I know! You guys play really *weird* jokes on people!
OKAY? You gotta fuckin' stop that shit!
AARON: Alright, I *REALLY* need to speak with Astrid.
NAZIR: She's here?!
AARON: Yeah!
NAZIR: By SITHIS, I thought we lost her!
AARON: N-No! She's the one who set up the WHOLE joke, you idiots!
I-I *know* you were in on it...
They're--It's like they're *still* trying to play the joke on me.
Astrid!
Astrid!
Astrid!
Astrid?
Astrid!
A-A-Aah...Aaastrid?
Ahhstrid?...
[EMRE stifles a dry laugh, the maniac]
AARON [heartbroken yet again]: ASTRIID!
EEEHHAHHHHSTRIIIIIID!!!
WHAT'S THAT NIGHTSHADE DOING THERE?!
IS THIS--WHAT KIND OF FUCKING JOKE IS THIS?!
WHY IS THE NIGHTSHADE THERE?!
EMRE: I don't knowwwwhohoooo...[can barely form words]
ASTRID [weakly]: All of this...It's *all* my fault...I set you up...wanted you dead...
...*I* betrayed you...
AARON: Because you *LOVE* me, I know!
I *know* it was because you *love* me, MOST OF ALL.
ASTRID: And now, Maro has betrayed me...
AARON [an actual dummy]:...Who's Maro?
[EMRE bursts into laughter yet again, never not surprised by AARON's incompetence]
AARON: *I'LL KILL MARO*! SOON AS I FIND OUT...who he is...
You and me, we can start over!
Um, I-I'll just put...some new clothes on you, and...
We'll get you some new skin...
UGhhh...y-y-you can wear a wig...
H-Hey,  people come back from this!
ASTRID: I give you..the Blade of Woe...
So that you can see it through...
You *must* kill...
Me...
AARON: NO! W-Well..Okay, hold on!
I think we're being a little *hasty* here. Uhm, hold on...
Here's what's going to happen. I'm just gonna have sex with you *quick*, because...
I guess we can do it *after* you're dead, but I think I'd rather do it right now.
So, lemme just...um, get over, uh...uhh...
EMRE [disgusted]: DUDE!
AARON: L-LOOK! Anything with Astrid is better than *nothing!
Okay...
Alright, maybe that's not gonna work...
Hey! Can you back off, you guys? I'm *busy* here!
I need some PRIVACY!
OKAY, ASTRID, LOOK! This is a reaaaally good *makeup job*. Ummm. Okay, guys! The *PRANK* is over now, right??
AARON [finally getting it]:...Astrid...You're dead, aren't you?
[EMRE giggles while AARON sobs]
Astrid...?
I'm doing this...
...because I love you.
ASTRID [with her final, pained breath]:...T-Thank you...
AARON [feeling sick]: Oh, my God...
EMRE: We should have a moment of silence.
You should remember the good times.
AARON: We *should* remember. We have to...
AARON [narrating over solemn piano music]: We have to commemorate...All the fun, joyous things we did together...
All the conversations we had, the lists we went over...
We *assignments* we dicussed.
EMRE: T-The...The *meat* you shared.
AARON: Remember that goat roast, Astrid? Remember how I rubbed it on your *face*?
Oh, my God. I'm going to miss those times. I'm going to miss everything we did *together*, Astrid..and, now--
[RECORD SKIPS]
BABETTE THE IMMORTAL CUNT: If I hadn't heard it with my own ears, I wouldn't have believed it.
AARON: Can *you* fucking SHUT UP?! I SAID, MOMENT OF SILENCE! BAB. ETTE.
EMRE: Fuckin' blow her away!
AARON: Fuckin' SHHHHuuut UPPPP!!
[EMRE and ADAM feast upon the decadent dessert that is AARON's misery]
AARON: Look, Babbit. *HOW* did you get missed by that?!
BABETTE:...If I hadn't heard--
AARON: OKAY, I HEARD WHAT YOU *SAID*, BABBIT!
I'M STANDING HERE. I'M *TRYING* TO FUCKING MEMORIALIZE ASTRID!!
SHUT!!
UP!!
AARON [in disbelief]: These people. These fucking people. They're doing this. They're *trying* to drive me crazy.
OhMYgAwhd--What is *this*?
EMRE: Look's like Astrid!
AARON: Too soon, Emre...
Too fucking soon...
EMRE: I'm sorry.
AARON: Oh, Astrid! I'm taking you with me...
You're coming with me, Astrid. Come on.
There's room on Shadowmere for two, Astrid! Hah, Hah, Hah! Okay, come on...
S-She's okay!
Look! She's lookin' pretty good! She's startin' to look a lot better...
*There* we go.
Look! Everything's back to normal! Look, Bab-Ette!
Astrid's back at her normal post!
The fun times--
[AARON dissolves into tears as ASTRID crumbles to the floor, broken and dead]
AARON [with breathless cries]: Ahhahhhahhhaaaastriiiiiid....
AARON [heaving a sigh]: Alright. It's time for me to move on.
EMRE: Yeah. You should go see what the Night Mother has to say about this.
GRANNY NIGHT MAMA: EmpeeROOrr TiTUSss Meeeede II *muuust* be eliMinAAated...
AARON [unsurprised]: Really?
I'm the *new* like, head...head of this Guild.
And, *III* decide who the new Night Mother is.
And, I think that it should be Astrid.
Come on, Astrid!
This is gonna be fun!
[EMRE mimics ASTRID's juicy, dead bones crunching on the steps]
There ya go. Down the stairs, Astrid. Here we gooo...
Yeeeeup, mmhmm.
[Disgusting squirt noises]
AARON: Astrid does *not* make those noises, Emre.
[EMRE makes even louder, wetter farty corpse noises]
AARON: Okaaay! *New* Night Mother!
At my service!
Heeeere she goes, into the cofffiiin--Quick, shut it!
AAAAAND, THE NEW NIGHT MOTHEEEER!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!
EMRE [weezing]: Awesome!
♫
AARON: I'm  just gonna go talk to...Almond Latte.
He's at the 'Bannered Mare', a classy joint if I do say so myself.
Uhhh, excuse me? I need to talk to you about some bullshit.
AMAUND MOTIERRE: WUT IZ EET?!?
AARON: The Emperor. The *REAL* Emperor. Where is he?
AMAUND: He's on his ship, the Katariah. Board off-shore in the Solitude inlet.
EMRE [thoughtfully]:..Solitude again?
AARON: We *do* have fun in Solitude.
EMRE: That's true.
You know?? I bet he's got a *lot* of gold on him.
AARON: Yup. That's a good point.
*I* will take the diamond, as payment for talking to you.
Aaand, head out!
Alright, I'm going to the East Empire Company Warehouse!
EMRE: Let's *NOT* sing about it.
AARON [choosing to spite EMRE]: ♪ EAST. EM--PIIREEE COMPANYyyy, warehouse EAST. EmPIre COMPaaany ware--♪
AARON: Okay, Commander Maro. Do you want me to cut off youuur dick? And, then stuff it in your neck?
As I'm cutting your head off?
That'd be sorta like a, a slam dunk.
It'd be like Michael Jordan style execution.
EMRE: MMMmnnn...
AARON: Where you take someone's balls, cut their head off and then *slam dunk* their balls into their neck.
What about this? Do you think *this* would do the trick?
EMRE: *THIS* would do the trick.
AARON: I'm gonna do this the more *enjoyable* way.
EMRE: Ohhh, shit!
AARON: Heyyy! Why are you trying to *attack* me??
YEAH! Git 'em!
Git 'em, man!
Yeah, just a little bit more--Oh! Yup!
OOOOOhh, YEAAaah! Nice job, you guys!
EMRE: That *was* cool.
AARON: Those guys just whipped the shit outta 'em.
You know the thing is?
I'm *above* him now. I don't even, I don't *wanna* kill him.
Cuz, ya know, I'm way too cool for that kinda bullshit.
Swimmy swim, swimmy swim...
I am a *good swimmer* with 300lb suit of armor.
EMRE: Yeah, you'd think *that* would slow you down but--
AARON: Nope. Nope.
Look at how *close* the moon is.
This is like...on a different planet.
EMRE: It *must* be.
I-I honestly thought, until this moment, that this was taking place on Earth.
AARON: Really?
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON: AhGawhd.
You're stupid...
EMRE: I know, I-I'm just the *dumbest* person ever.
AARON: Hey, Emre! Should I try to pull this chain?
EMRE: Yeeeees?
AARON: Oh. Oh! [BEASTIAL SCREECHING IN THE BACKGROUND]
What was that noise?!
That chain must be attached to Chewbaca's balls inside the ship. It's like when you pull it he goes, 'RRRRRHHHHHGHHH!!!'
Okay! UMMM. I'mmmm...sick of all the subterfuge.
I'M HERE TO KILL THE EMPEROOOORRRR! ANYBOODDDY??
Who wants it??
Yeaaah. See ya later, shithead.
Heeellooo? Here to kill the Emperroorrr! Anyyybody??
Where's the fuckin' Emperor??
EMRE: Just gotta keep goin' through doors.
AARON [growing bored]: Ehhhh...
EMRE: Eventually you'll find him.
Y-Yeah. He's *not* in a jail cell.
AARON: Ehhhh, nobody's here.
SUICIDAL GUARD: TIME TOO END DIS LIL GAME!!
AARON: OOooh, stop it. OHHH. That's *so* annoying.
GodDAMNit.
EMRE and AARON [in unison]: JERK.
[BOYISH LAUGHS N LOVE]
AARON: Jinx! You owe me, uhhhahhhh..ahh..axe...
EMRE:...An *AXE*?
AARON: I dunno...
EMRE: How am I gonna get an axe?!
AARON: Ehhhh, look! Dars a pot wiff a book in it.
Oh! You know what this means? This is a fuckin' secret code. Someone at the Skyrim offices is...cookin' the books.
EMPEROR TITUS: Come now. Don't be shy.
AARON: Mnokay.
TITUS: You haven't come *this* far just to stand there, gawking.
AARON: Alright, well, I'll start taking off *my* clothes first...
And then, you....you, uhhh...
Wait a minute...!
Tiddus Mead the Second, you were expecting me??
TITUS: But, of course! You and I have a date with destiny.
AARON: Emperor Tight-Ass Mede II.
TITUS: *BUT*...I ask of you, a favor.
AARON: You're not comin' on to me, are you?
TITUS: An old man's *dying* wish...
Once you've been *rewarded* for my assassination...
I want you to *kill* the very person who ordered it.
AARON: Oh! No problem!
Goddammit, dude. I don't mind.
EMRE [with no sympathy for old farts]: I think you should blast him around the room a little bit.
AARON: Alright, that's a good idea.
Alright, uhhhh-uhhmm, let's see...You know, I don't like killing you *right theeeere*. Kinda want you *over theeeere*...
[FUUUUS RO DAAAAAA!!!!]
EMRE: AAWWWWWWHHH--
AARON: DUDE! That guy just gave up the ghost.
EMRE: W-WOWWWW.
AARON: I just *SCREAMED* at him, and he *DIED*.
EMRE: I don't even think chickens are *that* easy to kill...
AARON: I like his robes, though.
EMRE: Yeaaah.
AARON: Think I'll hold on to those.
EMRE: You'd think the Emperor would have better underwear.
AARON: Yeaaah...
He should have like...velvet underwear, or something--Goddamn, his legs are *veiny*!
Well, just for old time's sake.
I guess I'm gonna leave the ole, uh, you know...Oh, shit. I don't have any.
I'm just gonna put this wine bottle here.
And...
Everyone will just think you drank yourself to death!
Look at that!
Yooo, he was runnin' around naked. He got drunk, tripped andddd...you know, fell over the edge of this bench.
EMRE: Knocked over all of his favorite books.
AARON: Yeh.
AARON: I just gotta make it really look like he was drunk and just stumbling around, knocking shit everywhere.
EMRE: Yeah.
[FUUUUS RO DAAAAAA!!]
EMRE: Yeah! Th...Th-That looks pretty convincing.
AARON: Whoa! Look at the sky tonight! It's beautiful outside.
EMRE: Wow! When it's not snowing, the sky actually looks pretty neat.
AARON: This just reminds me of my good times spent with Astrid...
Lying on the beach...
On those warm summer days, looking up at the sky.
EMRE: That *NEVER* happened.
AARON:...Oh.
[RETURN OF THE SOLEMN MEMORIAL PIANO]
♫
AARON: If you ever fall asleep while we're doing this, Emre...When you wake up, you will have a vagina.
EMRE:*THAT*...is a complicated medical procedure that I do *not* believe you have the tools OR the experience to pull off.
AARON: NOoooo, but you sleep through anything.
[laughing] Including a sex change operation.
[GTA Random Citizen: Yeeeeaaah! BOI, BOI! HaHa! DOPE!]
