You're a success in every
other aspect of your life,
but you've failed at dating.
Or, have you?
In this Love U Podcast, we're going
to take a deep dive into failure
to learn what it is, what it isn't,
and why the only way to fail
is when you give up.
Stick around.
I'm Evan Marc Katz, Dating Coach for
smart, strong, successful women and
your personal trainer for love.
Welcome to the Love U podcast,
stay to the end of this video to
discover how you can turn your
failure in dating into the ultimate
success.
When we're done, I'll let you know
how you could apply to Love U to
create a passionate relationship
that makes you feel safe, heard,
and understood.
Strap yourself in.
I know a lot about failure.
We're going to spend a lot of time
talking about not
just your failures, but my failures
today because I think it's important
that you understand that I'm not
much different than the
clients that I coach, my smart,
strong, successful women, apart from
my genitalia,
we're pretty darn similar.
And
we're talking about confidence, we
are going to talk about success,
we're going to talk about
failure and we're going to talk
about what you can do and how
to reframe things so that you don't
feel like a failure in this
one realm where you feel like you've
failed.
So,
I was working with a client the
other day.
She's 64.
She's lovely.
She's
had a hard go of things.
She signed up for Love U Masters
Coaching, we worked together
privately.
She was concerned that her fancy new
Evan profile wasn't getting enough
attention and she
was feeling pretty bad about
herself. And then, boom, suddenly
there's this guy who's doing
everything right. She feels really
good about herself.
And I coach her
the same way I coach you not to
put all their eggs in one basket
that no man is real until he's her
boyfriend, that you can't
commit to a guy who hasn't
committed to you. And just because
you had two great dates doesn't
necessarily mean anything.
Sort of Love U dating
philosophy, which means she has to
keep on dating online even though
she has a guy she likes instead of
going all in.
The same way you don't stop job
hunting because you had a good
interview, you stop job hunting when
you get a job. Like most people, her
default setting in dating is
failure when you've had enough
failure and dating.
It's going to take a toll on your
belief system, as we've talked about
so often here. It's also going to
take a toll on your self-esteem.
So she's keeping her options
open by dating other guys, even
though she's got one guy she really
likes and she sees this one
guy who actually has a really good
profile and is reasonably
attractive, an age-appropriate
little younger than she is.
But that's not a big deal.
Guy's profile says I'm 61 but, I
feel like I'm thirty-nine.
And honestly, I've never had a
client over the age of 40 say
anything other than I
feel younger.
I look younger. People always think
I'm younger sort of thing.
And to me, this doesn't mean
anything. But my client reads
I'm sixty-one, but I feel like I'm
thirty-nine.
My client's head at
age 64 is if he feels
youthful, he's going to want a
younger woman. And that's what he's
actually saying.
He would never want me.
This didn't even occur to me.
This was her first reaction
to I feel like I'm thirty-nine on
this guy's profile.
He's obviously gonna want a woman
who's younger than I am.
I shouldn't even bother.
Story number one, the guy she's
seeing is a great catch, the
one that I mentioned.
And so she figures he's such a great
catch. He's articulate and he's
social and he's financially
successful and he's warm
and he's got good relationships with
his ex-wife, his kids and
seems too good to be true.
Her belief is
this guy must have a lot of options.
Why would he be interested in me?
Even if he is interested in me, why
would he stay with me?
Couldn't he go get somebody else?
Do you ever have these thoughts?
Have you ever had these feelings?
You're not wrong for feeling
what you're feeling, right?
But it's certainly not an abundant
mindset. It's certainly not a
confident mindset or not an
effective mindset.
She believes that because she's 64
and single that there's something
wrong with her.
She's not worthy of a great man.
And so she has
to settle, she has to compromise.
And we do talk about compromising a
lot here but not compromising
on stuff like this.
So I'm going to ask you to identify
it. Do you constantly
think that if there's a good guy,
he's too good for you and he's going
to want someone else or he's
eventually going to leave you
because the other men have and
that story that you tell yourself
about how this is going to turn
out? And so I'm going to limit
myself, not going to go for the guy
and not even apply to my reach
school because I might not get in.
And I always use college metaphors
a lot because I applied
to my reach school and I got in
and it changed my whole life
applying to the best school I could
get into. My dad said, I'm not
going to pay for it, but if you get
in there, we'll send you there
through an application.
I wrote a poem
about my grandfather's college
application essay and miraculously
I got into a school that I
probably wouldn't get into today and
my college counselors didn't think I
was going to get into it back in
high school.
So I always believe in aiming up
here. And if you aim up here and you
achieve here, it's better
than the alternative which is aiming
here and achieving here.
Let's bring it back to failure.
My client has a history of failure
with men, it impacts
her entire world view on
how she sees men, dating
relationships, and herself.
And I want to contrast that with me.
I don't mean to be in a
self-aggrandizing way,
but as a coach
to talk about the difference between
me and my clients and what I try to
give to you when you end
up working with me.
I have failed more
than just about anybody I know
at almost everything I know.
I
am actively teaching my seven
and nine-year-old kids about
failure. And I constantly remind
them that their dad is a failure so
that they know that failure is not
bad. It's not scary.
It's good.
How we reframe that.
Failure is good.
Yeah, of course, failure is good.
Failure means that you're trying to
do something that's difficult.
That's all failure means you're
trying to do something. It's
difficult.
Might take a couple of chances.
Might take a lot more than a couple
of chances.
So, you know, I had
a pretty charmed childhood.
I didn't have the pain and suffering
a lot of people had when they were
kids. And because of that, I aimed
really high and I tended to achieve
high. But I nearly dropped out of
college my senior year when I
had an anxiety disorder
because I didn't know what
I was going to be when I grew up.
And I kind of started freaking out
my senior year and I couldn't eat
and I couldn't sleep and went to
therapy too. I took
anti-depressants, and I kind of
flipped out. I  had a breakdown.
I recovered from that.
But then I graduated college and
I didn't know how I was going to
be a writer. I chose this career.
I moved out to L.A.
in the mid-90s to write for friends
or something. And I didn't know
anybody, didn't have any connections.
And I wrote a dozen screenplays.
fifteen sitcoms
had meetings with every studio
network.
And one contest
did really extraordinary things and
made from 21
to 30 a total of seven
thousand dollars as a writer.
And I turned 30, I
had no resume.
I had no money.
I had no clue what I was going to
do. Simultaneously, I'm looking
for love.
I always wanted to be in love.
Always hopeless romantic,
back since when I was in high
school, I was always this guy.
And I learned
to date online.
But just because I was
successful in charming people
with my words online doesn't mean
I'm successful at dating.
Doesn't mean I was successful at
relationships.
Doesn't mean I had a really strong
picker. A good sense of what worked.
So, over 10 years, from twenty-five
to thirty-five, I
go out with no joke, three
hundred plus people.
I had to go back and count before I
started writing one of my books.
Three hundred people.
Now, numbers-wise.
And it's not a braggy thing.
It just means I didn't stay in an
eight-year relationship that wasn't
working as a lot of people do.
One month, three months, six months,
a lot of that over 10 years.
But the five women that I fell
hardest for, that I gave my
heart to, that
I swore to were the ones
that I would have run through walls
for.
All of them dumped me
or rejected me.
So I'd have gone out with three
hundred women.
But the five I loved
all broke my heart.
This is my story is my rejection.
Everybody's got their own pain.
I'm just telling you mine.
And then I get fortunate.
I write a book about online dating
when online dating was becoming big.
And I start this easier
and online dating profile writing
service and I get into the news
cycle, Time Magazine, CNN,
USA Today.
And I get fortunate I'm able to
drop out of film school because I
was going to go be a professor.
I got married to one who is three
years older than me. We immediately
started trying to get pregnant.
We had to get pregnant six times.
We have two chemical pregnancies and
two miscarriages and
fibroid surgery.
My wife had all those
things happen on the road to having
two fortunately healthy kids.
I have this website, it's been
around for a long time.
I'm redoing it right now
since my tech team, my business
partners of seven years started
their own business in 2016.
In the past four years, I've been
through a half dozen
tech teams.
And, it's like dating. It's just like
dating.
Something looks good from the
outside to give it a shot.
Give them your trust,
give them your faith.
And for some reason, it doesn't work
out.
It's not a matter of blaming them or
blaming me. Just the shoe didn't
fit. It didn't work out.
It is just like dating.
So I've been bouncing around
spending a lot of money trying to
figure this part out.
And my revenue candidly dropped
by about 50 percent in
one year because my site
traffic dropped by about
70 percent in
one year due to
Google algorithm changes and stuff
that you don't want to hear about.
This is my story. And, again, I
am leading a life that I'm really
happy with, that I'm really proud
of. And at the same time,
I've got the uphill climb to
a different set of problems.
I know I've got rich white people's
problems, but I've got the same
things.
I've got health issues,
kids issues,
money issues, stress
issues.
What would you do if you knew
you could not fail?
Meaning if
you were guaranteed success, what
would you do?
Your life would be limitless
if you knew that whatever you did
was going to work. What would
you do with your life?
I act as if
I'm not going to fail, even though I
fail all the time.
That's an interesting contradiction.
I act like I'm not going to fail.
I assume I'm gonna be successful.
And sometimes I'm wrong.
But that just teaches me more
information. It gives me a lesson.
Forcing me to try again.
So the mindset
is not I am a
failure, but rather that
didn't work.
That's all.
This is the definition of a growth
mindset versus a fixed mindset.
A fixed mindset means I
asked out a woman, she said, No,
I'm done asking out women.
I'm terrible at that.
I wrote a screenplay.
Nobody liked it.
I'm done.
That's not how successful people
operate.
I never saw myself as a failure,
even though I have and
still consistently fail.
That's a growth mindset.
I never defined myself as a failure,
despite my many failures.
In my course, "Believe in Love",
I'll mention it a little bit later.
I spent a lot of time talking about
metaphors for these kinds of things.
I like the Thomas Edison quote.
I haven't failed.
I found ten thousand ways that don't
work.
I think you said that when he was
trying to invent the light bulb.
I didn't fail. I just found 10000
ways that don't work.
I loved that philosophy.
I want you to love that philosophy.
I use the example of baseball
players.
And when you're talking to smart,
strong, successful women, I don't
know if you're a baseball fan like I
am. Can't necessarily make that
assumption.
The baseball players, if you've ever
heard the term batting 300,
the best baseball players get a hit
three times out of ten.
That means they fail
seven times out of 10.
That's built into the model that's
built into the process.
No one's ever done it better.
That's the way I want you to view
dating, right?
Most men are not my husband.
And most men I scroll through, most
men I text, most men I write to,
most men I meet. That's fine.
It's part of the process.
It's expected.
It's built-in.
I know I'm coming from a different
place than you.
We're all unique individuals.
I was very fortunate to be given
love and self-esteem and attention
as a kid.
My job in Love U
is to give you the confidence
to be the woman that you were born
to be.
To have the relationships that you
want, instead of having to settle on
men who are probably decent
people, but not good
boyfriends and husbands.
This all revolves around confidence.
It takes confidence to say no to
the wrong guy and to walk away.
To get back on the horse and
persevere in online dating.
Had a girlfriend who dumped me.
Last girlfriend who dumped me.
I mean, again, I don't recommend
this, but I use this as an example.
I probably had like the tears still
wet on my face.
I was 32 years old.
I probably had the tears on my face
after leaving her house after being
rejected.
When I activated my online dating
profile as the guy getting back out
there, I'm going to sit there and
wallow and mourn forever.
Was I emotionally ready today?
No. Was I doing it?
Yep.
You don't have to do it that way.
You can take years to heal.
I mentioned in a previous podcast
that a client spent 35 years not
dating. She got hurt.
You could do that.
But to what end?
You can protect yourself.
Never get what you want.
But that's not
the answer.
Nobody comes to a dating coach to
learn how to do nothing.
So really want to emphasize
action, right?
The combination of action and
belief. And these
are the ideas that I put forth in my
Believe In Love program.
And in the first month of the My
Love U program, I'm trying
to get you to plug into this
mindset. I'm trying to get you to
plug into this confidence
so that it becomes yours.
Let's think about a couple of
ideas. These are straight from my
course.
One of them is the definition of
success.
Someone explained it to me once.
I never forgot about it.
I think it's a really neat idea.
The definition of success is when
your actions are aligned with your
goals.
So are your actions aligned
with your goals?
If you say I want to fall in love,
are you actively dating?
Are you
learning to date a different way to
produce a different result?
Have you purchased
one of my programs?
Have you applied to
Love U and gone through the
coaching if you haven't?
And I don't take it personally, but
I will point out there is
thinking about doing something,
there's reading about doing
something, and there is actually
doing something. So when your
actions are aligned with your goals.
You have a chance, a good
chance at success when
your actions are not aligned with
your goals. You never get what you
want. If I always
use this as an example, but if
I'm a really social person
and I take a job as a
night watchman, I can't
be too terribly surprised
if I'm not happy
because my action
spending midnight to eat
alone
in front of a monitor
with a gun is
not aligned with my social nature.
It's a job, it's a perfectly viable
job.
But the action of taking that job
is misaligned with who I actually
am.
So are you the kind of person who
wants to spend your life alone?
Are you the kind of person who
thrives with partnership and
love and support and affection?
If you are the person who thrives
with love and support and affection.
You need to do things that are
aligned with that.
Next, I
alluded to this a second ago, but
there's a difference between
thinking and doing.
I got a comment from someone
on my blog earlier this morning.
She bought one of my e-books
and
was saying that my advice,
I needed to change my advice because
things are different for
women over forty-five.
And listen.
Half of my clients are over 45.
Half of them are under forty-five.
And the way she's right
is that the pool
is smaller.
The older you get.
That's true.
Not going to deny that it's harder
to date at forty-five and thirty-five
and it's harder later.
Fifty-five and forty-five and
sixty-five and fifty.
That's all true. But the advice
itself, what to do to be effective
in dating and relationships.
How to text.
How to carry yourself with
confidence. How to deal with sex.
How to communicate.
That doesn't really change based on
how old you are.
So she was offering me constructive
criticism. No, you have to give me
advice to help me.
And her supporting evidence is I
read a lot of dating books.
I read a lot of psychology books.
And you need to come up with a new
approach to help people like us.
What this woman hasn't done is fill
out an application for Love U.
You get me on the phone and go
through twenty-six weeks of my
course with two-hour weekly
coaching calls to see if she can
get a different result.
She's someone who is becoming an
expert in here
by reading other experts.
Good for her.
But having a library of information
about masculine and feminine energy.
But not actually putting
best dating practices into
integrating that into your life.
Right. It's like reading a book
about
golf, but never picking up a golf
club or trying to swim without
getting wet.
Her response is, of course
in my area there are no good guys
and I'm different than other women.
And the other
excuses, she's really busy.
She doesn't have time.
So any time I get a constructive
email like that from a reader.
But she doesn't have time to watch
Love U for five minutes a day.
She doesn't have time to talk to me
on the phone.
Nothing's gonna change.
Your actions are not aligned with
your goals. And I just wanna give
you one final point on this.
I know this is challenging.
It's always easy and Always fun when
I can blame guys for how terrible
they are. It's a lot harder to hold
up the mirror and say, hey, here's
what you need to do differently.
Now.
What I want to posit to you that
even the one I was just talking
about, she has never
been smarter,
more self-aware and
more in the position to receive
love from a good man than she
is today.
We are the sum total of our
experiences.
And so we're afraid we're going to
make mistakes that we made before.
I got my heartbroken by this guy
before.
If you learned your lesson, then
you're not going
to do that again. You might make
another mistake, but you won't make
that mistake again.
If you are listening and you're
reading and you're investing in
coaching and products and programs
and you're really doing something
that the act isn't doing something
right. No one becomes a champion
swimmer by sitting on the
side of the pool and reading books
about swimming. You just don't.
You actually have to get in the
pool. Get in the pool.
You could be wet and it could be
cold and it could be scary and you
might not be the best that you might
make mistakes. And that's OK.
That's part of the growth mindset,
not being afraid of failing.
Trial and error.
And the reason I am this guy is
cause I went on 300 dates, not
because I married my high school
sweetheart. I wouldn't be much of a
dating expert if I married my high
school sweetheart.
So you listening right
now have never been in a better
position to find love than you are
right now.
And I need you to understand that
you are the sum total of your
experiences.
You've learned from all of these
things.
And the way I see it, I always use
this metaphor when I'm talking to
clients on the phone.
If it's like a football game
and you've driven 90 yards downfield
, you're 10 yards away from
the end zone.
Those are the hardest yards to score
a touchdown, my job is to get you
from here to here, but you've come a
really, really long way just by
virtue of being here.
This is the hard part.
This is between you and finding
the man of your dreams.
But I'm not denying all the things
that you've done, the reading, the
self-help therapy to get
you to the point where you're ready
to take this plunge.
So I want you
to keep these multiple ideas in your
head at the same time.
I talked about that a lot.
Most guys are not your husband
by definition.
But maybe
the next one is.
And all it takes is one good one
to make this whole thing
worth it.
Remember, you're not a failure
because something didn't work out
with a guy or with multiple guys.
You're a failure when you quit,
you give up. When you stop learning
and you will inevitably be a success
in life and in love.
As long as you keep learning,
keep implementing, keep trying,
and iterating.
I am here to help.
I appreciate your time and thank you
for listening to we go on my
tangents with my metaphors
and I very much look forward to
seeing you in Love U.
My name is Evan Marc Katz.
Thank you for tuning into the Love U
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