*swoosh*
*Assassin's Creed intro music*
Geoff: So how do you interact with the shit that glows?
Michael: You fuck it up.
Gavin: You sprint at it.
Jack: Hit Ri - Right Trigger to sprint.
Geoff: Just run at it?
Gavin: Like, if you run through a gate, it'll close. If you run into like, one of those lever things, you'll fling onto the roof.
Geoff: OK. But you gotta be running?
Gavin: You gotta be running.
Geoff: Interesting.
Michael: What happens if I wanna kill my target but they run away?
Gavin: What about this? O-oh! From the crowd.
Michael: Fuck! God dammit.
Gavin: That was amazing, hidden kill.
Michael (Mimicking Gavin) That was amazing! I'm level fotty six!
Geoff: Fuck you, Jack.
Jack: Hahahahaha!
Jack: I just poisoned the shi...
Gavin: I've got the wrong damn skills turned on. ...Crap!
Michael: I just switched skills cuz I dunno what the hell is-- what.
Jack: Was that you right there in front of me, Gavin?
Gavin: Who?
Gavin: Who's in front of me?
Michael: How the fuck do you know what your skills do?
Gavin: Oh yeah, that is me.
[Jack, Geoff and Gavin laughing]
Gavin: Why were you just standing next to me?
Jack: I dunno. I was like "who's this stupid, fucking looking signal thing."
Michael: Oh, shit.
Jack: Are you also chasing Michael?
Gavin: AaaaAAAHHH!
Jack: Aw, you-- Ahh, god dammit! I got trapped! I'm stuck in the fuckin' cage!
Gavin: (amidst giggles) I trapped him in the Chasebreaker.
Jack: Fuckhead.
Michael: Fuck you, Gavin.
Gavin: Oh, I just got done!
Michael: Yeah, ya did.
Gavin: Are you-- I thought you were someone different
Geoff: Why is there a lock over somebody's head?
Gavin: That means you can lock onto them. Wot?
Gavin: Did you have morph turned on or something there? Did you change who you were, Michael?
Michael: What?
Michael: No. FUCK!  Ah, God, I got macheted.
Jack: Ah, God dammit, Geoff.
Jack: You fucker. I'm gonna... 
Geoff: I'm gonna kill you now.
Jack: I'm kicking Michael in the head.
Michael: Don't kick me in the head. Have some fuckin' decency.
Jack: Ground Finish.
Gavin: Ground Finish. Someone over here is gonna die. I can tell you that. Someone is about to die.
Gavin: (Snorts cheekily)... AAAAH!
Geoff: oooop! (chuckles)
Michael: Someone over there died.
Geoff: You're right, Gavin. Somebody did die. Because I saw you.
Gavin: No, cuz I saw you.
Michael: Gavin, you suck.
Gavin: Wot?
Michael: NOO, GOD DAMMIT! I WAS JUST ABOUT TO KILL MY TARGET!
Jack: Hahahahaha!
Gavin: You can tell that someone's been poisoned when Jack starts giggling like a... squid.
Michael: Awww, My God!
Geoff: Heheheheheh.
Gavin: I think I was just about to die and I saved my own life.
Jack: Geoff, can I show you something?
Geoff: I hit B. I hit B.
Jack: I just wanted to show you something.
Gavin: OooOO... SMACK! 
Michael: You're still gonna die.
Michael: Oh, c'mon!
Michael: Yes, you fuckin' dead piece o' shit.
Gavin: Dammit!
Gavin: Dammit. I tried to mute you and it didn't work. Michael: You were like OOooooooh!
Gavin: I-I felt kind of in danger, so I thought "I'm gonna scale this building" and it helped me out there.
Geoff: Why-- Why did I get ejected from the err...
Gavin: I eventually died.
Michael: errrrnh, go, go, go
Geoff: From the bail of hay
Gavin: Did someone-- Did you start a chase with someone?
Geoff: I don't think so.
Gavin: Ooop! Yes!
Michael: Oh, c'mon!
Michael: ...Fuck!
Gavin: Did you just not see me come out of there?
Michael: No, I didn't. I... I
Michael: I heard you go "Uuh" first.
Gavin: Whoa! Whoa.
Geoff: OH, that sucks! What happened?
Michael: Don't care about my target anymore? Dammit!
Gavin: Yeah that's true.
Gavin: Once you get stunned you lose the target.
Michael: Dammit!
Gavin: So I ruined your trap as well.
Michael: Um... yeah.
Michael: Well it wasn't mine; it was Geoff's.
Gavin: Oh really?
Michael: Yeah.
Geoff: Yeah, it was me, you fucker.
Gavin: (laughs)
Geoff: Wait 'til you go to sleep tonight, dickhead. Guess what's happening: My dickhead; your face!
Gavin: Uhhh...
Geoff: I'm gonna put my dick in his face.
Gavin: Uhhh, wot?
Geoff: ...It's a little thing we used to do in the army.
Jack: My pursuer killed a civilian.
Michael: Dammit!
Geoff: Hey-yo! Heh, you're damn right he did.
Gavin: "P-perseror"?
Gavin: Did you just say "perseror"?
Michael: No, he didn't.
Gavin: Oh.
Michael: He said "pursuer".
Gavin: Did he?
Michael: Yeah!
Gavin: I just muted a civilian, I think.
Jack: (laughs)
Michael (whispering): God damn.
Gavin: Oh no, I d- I muted you but it- you weren't my, uh...
Geoff: What is muting?!
Gavin: Uh it's... it's a skill buh- it disables duh... someone's abilities for like, a second.
Geoff: It's like you guys are speaking another fuckin' language!
Michael: I know, right. The fancy kids are like "arrr, muted, muted worrr"
Geoff: "Errr I got r--"
Gavin: OOOOOOOH!
Jack: Hahaha.
Geoff: "Yer not level 33, you don't get the dickhead skill..."
Geoff: What does "B" mean?
Gavin: Stun.
Jack: Nothing. Don't worry about it.
Gavin: ...!
Geoff: Oh. Shit. So that's what happened.
Michael: Oh, c'mon!
(Geoff and Jack laugh)
Geoff: I see!
Gavin: I just got saved.
Geoff: I should've hit B.
Jack: Goddammit. You just... you just did that.
Michael: Ernnngh!
Gavin: OOOOH! 
(Gavin and Jack giggle)
Gavin: ...God sake. I haven't had a clean kill on you all game, Jack.
Jack: (laughs)
Gavin: I've been... I've been bloody muted and punched in the face walking through.
Jack: I just love Geoff on his B!
(Gavin and Jack laugh)
Gavin: And you're like "nothing"!
Jack: ...As he's running around poisoned
Michael: I'd... I don't think I've ever successfully countered yet.
Geoff: No. Me neither.
Gavin: Really?
Michael: (Snorts derisively) Yeah really, believe it or not.
(Geoff laughs)
Gavin: I don't like your tone with me, Michael.
Gavin: HOOOooOOO!
Jack: Aw, you fuckhead!
Gavin: From above!
Michael: Awww, that was nice.
Gavin: Acrobatic- oh crap!
Jack: Geoff, you just got... you just got your life saved by... by Gavin.
Gavin: Oh, you can't do anything, huh? WHACK!
Geoff: What... the fuck?!
(Jack and Michael laugh)
Michael: Then he jumped in the bail of hay!
Geoff: How'dja know it was me?
Gavin: You were walking too suspiciously. You were like, kept turning in circles and then like, veering towards me wherever I went. So I was like, yeah, he's after me.
(Gavin laughs)
Gavin: ...Run!
Michael: God dammit!
(Jack laughs)
Michael: I-- ...rrrngh!
Jack: Were you morphed, Gavin?
Gavin: No.
Jack: Not Gavin.
Geoff: What is morph?!
Gavin: AUUUGH You muted me again...! I can't believe it... aw.
Geoff: What is morph?
Gavin: Morph is where you can change... ...uh appearance.
Gavin: Op! Good Lord! Eu-euuuh!
(Jack laughs)
Geoff: Euuup! Euuup! Aw, didn't fuckin' work, did it? Aw, you just got tomahawked in the dick, dude!
Geoff: Bam!
Geoff: Aw, fuck you!
Michael: Fucking hell, I almost got killed!
Jack: I gotta... kick Geoff in the head!
Gavin: Geoff is by far the most obvious pursuer in the world!
(All laugh)
Gavin: Wherever I go...
Jack: Geoff's like the guy with the Animus just running around in circles.
Geoff: Does that really surprise you, by the way?
(Jack laughs)
Jack: No y-you're the most
Jack: You're the-
Jack: Oh look, there's Gavin.
Gavin: Oh hey.
Jack: God damnit.
Gavin: What were you gonna try and do to me,
Gavin: Mute me again?
Jack: Yeah..
Jack: My, my shit wouldn't..
Michael: Woop!
Geoff: Aw man!
Geoff: I didn't hit B fast enough.
Michael: I like how he twirled the spear, like,
WOOP-DO-DO-DO-DOO
Michael: Like he-
Geoff: Well you had time.
Jack: 'Honourable Death'.
Gavin: (unintelligible accent) 'Honogheble Deth'
Gavin: EUH!
Gavin: I'm out of here.
Gavin: I was g-
Gavin: As soon as I spend too long in one place
I get really paranoid and have to-have to leave immediately.
*background game noises*
Jack: (chuckles)
Gavin: OHHHH THAT WAS BRILLIANT!
Gavin: That is gold-
Michael: Aw c'mon!
Gavin: That was a 450 point move!
Michael: God damnit.
Gavin: (cheeky giggles)
I got a 1000 points for that.
Michael: FUCK!
Gavin: Jack, did you know that
A grab kill is worth 450 points?
Jack: Just in general?
Geoff: What's a 'grab kill'?
Michael: He grabbed me off the ledge.
Gavin: It's where you're hanging off the side of the wall,
Gavin: and he pulls someone down from the - whose on the - the roof.
Michael: You are a terrible explainer.
Gavin: It was awesome, I - I don't think I've ever
Gavin: done that, actually
Gavin: That's a very rare move.
Michael: It's not a very rare move -
Michael: Pulling someone off a roof
Michael: In Assassin's Creed.
Jack: God-
Gavin: OH -
Gavin: You tried to grab for me huh?
Jack: Oh what the fuck!
Jack: You pussy, get off the roof.
Gavin: Oh-ooh!
Geoff: What?
Gavin: Aw, I had such a good spring there!
Geoff: How did you do that?
Gavin: (chuckling)
Gavin: (still laughing) Oh, no!
Gavin: Just got done by a doctor!
(All laugh)
Geoff: How did you- hit me from a roof?
Gavin: I was on the roof,
then I jumped onto your head and killed you.
Geoff: So you had like- the X showed up?
Michael: What is it-
Gavin: Yeah.
Geoff: Fuck, dude.
Geoff: Boy you really gotta b- you gotta really be fast on that B.
Michael: Oh shit!
650 points!
Jack: Nice!
Jack: Good job!
Michael: That's like the most I've done.
Jack: Good job.
Michael: Alright,
I'll punch that woman in the face before I die.
Jack: (sniggering)
Gavin: Michael, you are putting in that grab kill,
Gavin: cos that was awesome.
Michael: I'm not putting in that grab kill.
(Jack laughing)
Gavin: (giggling) You should definitely put that in.
Jack: Aw, god damnit.
Jack: Gavin you got 46 hundred points that last round.
Gavin: Yeah I did.
Geoff: Is that good?
Jack: That's really good.
Gavin: That's pretty good.
Geoff: Oh so you can punch civilians.
Michael: (giggles)
Gavin: Yeah.
Michael: God damnit.
Geoff: You can- and there's no-
Michael: I fuckin' knew I passed you too,
Jack: (laughing)
Michael: You slut.
(Jack still laughing)
Gavin: You can punch any number of civilians Geoff,
Gavin: but, it-it kinda makes you stand out.
Jack: Aha.
Jack: Alright I know what Geoff is now.
Michael: As opposed to what Geoff does anyway.
Jack: Haha.
Geoff: 'ts a good point.
Geoff: Am I being taunted?
Jack: (laughing louder)
Gavin: Are you just stood there taunting each other?
Michael: What's the little, like, red marks
Michael: on the left hand side, under the-
Michael: under the place?
Geoff: Huh? I don't even know how to taunt.
Gavin: Uh, that's how many pursuers you have.
Michael: Oh.
Geoff: How do you taunt? How do you untaunt?
Geoff: How do I retaunt?
(Gavin laughing)
Geoff: I wanna taunt 'em back, how do I taunt 'em?
Jack: Y-you target someone and then hit Y.
Geoff: Fuck it's complicated.
Gavin: AWP!
Jack: Aw what the fuck was that!
Gavin: KAHAHA!
Gavin: That was amazing!
Jack: What-
Jack: What the fuck! Are you kidding me?!
Gavin: OH that scared the sh-
Gavin: that scared the crap outta me.
Jack: Ahhh that's such bullshit dude.
Gavin: (giggling)
Gavin: You gotta lock on man.
Gavin: That's why you-
Gavin: That's why the lock feature's-
Jack: You were rounding the corner though, there's no way I could lock on.
Gavin: Oi-f...oh that is bull.
Jack: Boohoo.
(Jack laughing)
Geoff: What?
Jack: Totally watched that happen.
Geoff: I was hitting B the whole time in anticipation of that happening.
Gavin: DAMNIT.
Jack: ohh..
Michael: OH!
Jack: Urgh you shithead!
Jack: Well that's ok I still killed Gavin.
Michael: That's ok.
Gavin: Oh...wow...and I killed Michael.
(Jack laughing)
Gavin: That was a..just a massacre there.
Michael: BLURGH..URGH...uhhh.
Jack: Michael got pretty badass right there -
Jack: he stunned you and then fuckin' turned around and killed me.
Geoff: How do you stun?
Geoff: Is that by hitting B?
Geoff: I thought B- I thought Y was taunt.
Michael: Yeah-
Gavin: (giggling)
Michael: How d'you still- we're in the third game!
(Gavin & Jack laughing)
Geoff: You're- shut the fuck up.
Geoff: Oh.
Michael: Aw fuck.
Geoff: I killed you!
Michael: Yeah, I know I was...goddamnit.
Geoff: I fucking murder-killed you dude.
Jack: 'Murder-death-kill'.
Gavin: Mur-
Gavin: -dur.
Michael: AHH FUCK!
Michael: Stabbed a guy.
Gavin: (sniggering) What just happened there?
Michael: I just stabbed a civilian.
Geoff: AH FUCK!
Jack: I think Gavin just poisoned me.
Jack: Is that you Gavin?
I'm gonna fucking murder you if that's you.
Geoff: Well who else would poison you dickhead, it's not like the two Level Ones can do it.
Jack: So I know both Michael and Gavin are on me.
Because Geoff is my target. (chuckles)
Gavin: (laughing)
Jack: So..
Gavin: WHOOPS!
Geoff: Boop!
Gavin: You just started chasing me, so you only got 100 points.
Geoff: I don't care.
Geoff: Y-d- the points don't matter in a fucking game where the points don't count.
Gavin: No, it means who's gonna be first.
Geoff: I don't care.
Geoff: Do you wanna be first? Then everybody's after you.
Gavin: I-I think in the last game I got a 15 hundred point kill,
so I got like 15 of those in one kill, Geoff.
Gavin: How d'you feel about that?
Geoff: I don't know how you- I don't know ha-h-how to make it any clearer to you.
(Gavin giggling)
Geoff: That total score doesn't matter.
Michael: ACH-
Gavin: No, it does for first place.
Michael: He slaps like a fucking woman, he's just like EUHH
Michael: And the guy just goes down.
Gavin: OHHHHHHHHH!
Jack: (chortling)
Michael: Just so goddamn annoying.
Gavin: Ohhhhhhhh!
Gavin: Unbelievable.
Geoff: Bu-Bi-But?
(Gavin & Jack laughing)
Geoff: It's bullshit.
Jack: What was that?
Geoff: I'm just gonna hang out and watch you now.
I know who you are.
Geoff: Fucking taunt you.
Geoff: Hey, if anybody wants to know where Jack is, he's right here.
(Jack wheezing)
Gavin: NO!
Geoff: I'm walking with him.
Geoff: He's about to walk up the stairs.
Geoff: Hey if anybody's curious Jack's going up the stairs right now.
Michael: BOOSH!
(Michael laughing)
Jack: Nah, I s- I saw you coming
Gavin: I don't have a tar- I don't know what's going on,
I'm just witnessing everyone getting murdered.
Everyone's on the ground.
Jack: Geoff's just my collar.
(Geoff laughing)
Jack: (in a British accent?) 'Ello guys, e's, e's roight 'ere.
Geoff: Is it-why, do I do it in a British accent?
Geoff: Getting murdered...
Geoff: (singing) 'Murder she wrote'
Jack: (whispering maliciously) Murdererrrrr...
Geoff: (still singing) 'Murder sheeee wroooote'.
Gavin: OWHH!
Jack: AH you shithead!
Gavin: Excellent - that was a focus hidden incog -
Jack: Awhhh...
Jack: Goddamnit I was so fucking c-Mi-Michael just got his life saved.
Geoff: Owh that is a load of bullshit there.
Gavin: I think I got about 5 bonuses there - 
Michael: No one-
Jack & Michael: Woah.
Geoff: (phony British accent) 'I got 5 bonuses'
Geoff: But-no!
(Michael laughing)
Geoff: Goddamnit with the n-
Geoff: Fuck dude, I was just about to kill somebody!
Jack: Oh really- Fuck, fuck! (laughing)
Michael: BOOP!
Gavin: Aw weak!
Michael: Dude, he fuckin' booped you on the head.
Jack: Y-you about to kill somebody meant that person was heading towards me, so..
Michael: (laughing)
(Geoff & Jack laughing)
Michael: Gavin comes running over and fuckin kicked the dead body.
Michael: What's up Gavin?
Jack: oh-shit.
Gavin: Sup dude...(giggling)
Gavin: It's funny when you...when you know who someone is...
Michael: How you doin? ..just moving?
Gavin: But you can't...interact with them in any way.
Michael: Wait...
Michael: Well, I like to say we hang out in the same-
Gavin: OH I got a lure!
Gavin: OWWWWHH!
Geoff: J-ahhh.
Michael: HAHAH, HAHAHA!
Gavin: WOT....wot??
(Michael still laughing like a maniac)
Gavin: Did I just become your target while I was stood next to you?
Jack: What just happened?
Michael: (through giggles) Yes!
Gavin: That is bull!
[actually a really common British phrase]
(Michael still laughing)
Gavin: That is so...
Geoff: How b- AHhahahahaaaa!
Gavin: DOOWH!
Geoff: Fuckin' dead.
(Gavin giggling)
Gavin: G...Geoff gets the crappiest kills.
(Michael sniggering)
Geoff: What does that mean?
(All laughing)
Gavin: Your-y- all your kills are worthless.
Geoff: Once again, these points don't go towards anything.
Gavin: They DO!
Gavin: They go towards the leaderboard.
Geoff: In the private match leaderboard?
Geoff: I'm sure everyone's fucking clamouring to get-
(Gavin protesting weakly)
Geoff: I get up first thing every morning, and before I eat breakfast,
Gavin: J-no!
(Michael laughing)
Geoff: I check the private match leaderboards, to see if anything has changed overnight!
Gavin: NO! ...In this game...in the-
Geoff: Fuckin' idiot.
(Gavin chortling)
Geoff: I also don't know how to get anything other than crappy kills.
Gavin: Just do better stuff.
Geoff: Such as..?
Gavin: Like, hang up a wall-
Geoff: I'm Level One dickhead,
Geoff: I don't get poisoning and muting and all that stuff.
Gavin: No- you c-
Gavin: You can like, do an acrobatic kill off a...off a pole,
Gavin: and get like 200 bonus for that.
Geoff: Ok.
Michael: FUCK.
Geoff: So somebody- if anybody wants to come stand below a pole...
Gavin: Ooh good...good Lord.
Jack: NO GODDAMNIT!
Michael: ....One of you...
Michael: Yes!
Jack: Ahhhh you lucky fuck.
Gavin: Yes! I think I did good!
Michael: ARRGHHHH...urghh...
Michael: bleurrrgh...
(Jack & Gavin laughing)
Jack: That was awesome.
Geoff: I can't wait to check it out in the leaderboards.
(Jack laughing)
Gavin: No, I don't mean th-
Jack: Hey-he-he-he-hey...
Michael: NO!
(Jack laughing)
Michael: ARGH!
Gavin: Oh my god!
Jack: Yeahhh, took it right at the end.
Gavin: That's what she said.
*swoosh*
