

### Unmasking the Spirit of Shame

Breaking Free from the Past

Janice Davis

Smashwords Edition

Copyright © 2014 Janice Davis

Thank you for downloading this eBook. This book is the copyrighted property of the author and may not be reproduced, scanned, or distributed for any commercial or non-commercial use without the permission of the author. Quotes used in reviews are the exception. No alteration of content is allowed. If you enjoy reading this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy.

All scripture, unless otherwise noted, is taken from the Bible, King James Version. Copyright © 1972 by Thomas Nelson Inc., Camden, New Jersey 08103

Your support and respect for the property of this author is appreciated.

I pray this book will be a source of encouragement and hope for you.

EBook formatting by www.ebooklaunch.com

Table of Contents

Dedication

Foreword

Acknowledgements

Introduction

PART 1: The Origin of Shame: How it All Began

* A Wake-up Call

* Stalked by the Enemy

* The Real Culprit of Shame

* Indoctrinated into Shame

* Fighting an Invisible War

* Exposing Shame

PART 2: Understanding Our False Selves

* Core Values Shape Our Beliefs

* Negative Core Beliefs: The Framework of Shame

* Our Identity

* Unhealthy Identity vs. Healthy Identity

* Shame and Negative Body Image

* Media Projects Negative Body Image

* Building a Strong Emotional Foundation

* Looking for Answers

* Roadblocks to Finding Truth

* Identifying Shame Triggers that Threaten Healthy Self-Esteem

PART 3: The Many Faces of Shame

* Three Controlling Behaviors that Produce Shame

* The Art of Manipulation

* Modus Operandi

* In the Crosshairs of a Manipulator

* Root of Manipulation

* Other Forms of Manipulation

* Intimidation

* The Blame Game

* Invalidation of Your Feelings

* Domination

* Being Controlled Goes Against Our Nature

* Freeing Yourself from Control

* Putting Up Boundaries

* Don't Explain Yourself

* Forgiveness: The Key to Emotional Health

* A Newfound Respect

PART 4: Learning to Accept Ourselves

* A Culture of Shame

* Be Yourself

* Process God Uses to Remove Shame

* Taking Responsibility for You

* Restoring Hope

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

References

# DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to the multitudes of men, women and children who struggle with the painful emotion of shame.

# FOREWORD

"Unmasking the Spirit of Shame" is not a book based on clinical studies of the human mind or human behavior, nor is it written from the viewpoint of humanistic philosophy or reasoning through self-realization. Some will argue there are no absolutes, that polarizing between good and evil does nothing but harm us. I differ on these assumptions because the mindset of this kind of thinking was fabricated to alleviate man's responsibility. The world at large tends to attack what they don't understand. Great intellectual theories of what man needs through carnal reasoning given by unsaved learned men profit nothing in the spirit realm. This book however was written from many years of fighting my own personal battles with shame. Most of my life has been spent dealing with feelings of unworthiness perpetuated by the manipulation of people trying to control me to the point of desperation and hopelessness. Many years I suffered in silence blinded to the real enemy behind the deep emotional struggles I faced every day.

Drawing upon these life experiences and through prayer, I asked God to heal me and give me an understanding of why I was in constant emotional pain. Outwardly I put on a smile to benefit others, but inside I was a broken individual. It wasn't until years later that I came to realize there was a fundamental element missing that needed to be unmasked.

It's a fact that many people are helped every year by visiting a psychiatrist for therapy to counteract their private demons, but I personally felt my answer was elsewhere, not lying on the sofa in a doctor's office. No! I had to find a way to help myself, a way that brought meaning and purpose; a way that gave me sufficient understanding of the root cause of my problems and a way that didn't create more questions for me by dealing only with the symptoms.

I was taken a little by surprise when I discovered the missing element was man's sin nature wrapped in human flesh. It was sin that causes such a damaging blow to the human spirit. After all, I was a born again Christian, yet I failed to see the obvious connection between my problems and the bane of my existence as a fallen human being. This was the area I needed to confront. You see, I always blamed someone else for the hurt and pain; but the surprising reality was that "sin," not other human beings, although they may have been the vessels Satan used to hurt me, was the root of every problem I faced.

The truth is each of us is prone to a life of sin because of Adam and Eve's fall in the garden. The enemy of our soul is a scavenger looking for every opportunity to bind us to a life of disappointments through the axis of fear, anxiety and shame. It seems that broken individuals are more susceptible to such attacks on their person because they walk around with an oozing wound of emotional sickness that attracts the enemy like a moth to a flame. The voice of shame undoubtedly plays and replays like a broken record dictating the internal dialogue we have with ourselves that says we are worthless individuals who have nothing to offer anyone; that we're broken beyond repair and that we must accept a life of disappointments.

Not so, my friend! You can be FREE indeed! My greatest hope is that you experience the freedom you've longed for. No longer do you have to tolerate the pernicious evil of a shame filled life; you can eradicate it from your life once and for all with the help of the Holy Spirit coupled with a genuine desire to be free. My prayer is that you overcome the curse of shame to become the beautiful pearl God created you to be.

# ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Without the love and support of my family, this book would not have been written. In spite of my own emotional pain, my husband and children continue to believe in me and trust that God is working everything out in His perfect timing. I thank my Heavenly Father for never leaving my side. He has been the rock of my strength, the rock I've rested upon. He has been my constant companion the whole way.

# INTRODUCTION

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, "shame" is defined as _"a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety."_ Robert D. Caldwell describes shame as "The inner experience of being "not wanted." It is feeling worthless, rejected, and cast-out. Guilt believes that one has done something bad; shame believes that one is bad. Shame believes that one is not loved because one is not lovable."

The purpose of writing this book is three-fold. First, I want you to know that I have been where you are. I also know the intense anguish you are suffering due to injurious events that have happened over the years. I know a lot of your time is spent preoccupied with these destructive thoughts that suck every ounce of life from you. Your search for answers is only beginning. Second, I intend to expose the deeds of darkness that Satan may no longer keep you bound to a life of despair by laying out for you the reasons behind your destructive way of thinking. Third, I want to give you a roadmap of what it will take to change your life. I want you to experience the emotional and spiritual freedom you've only dreamed about.

My greatest desires are to encourage you to never give up hope regardless of how turbulent your life becomes, and that you may come to know the Lord Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. He wants you to live a life filled with purpose instead of a life filled with guilt and shame. You don't have to accept the crumbs of "just enough" anymore when you know Jesus Christ! He paid the price for you and me the very moment He died on the cross at Calvary.

Christ died that we would know Him because His desire is for each of us to experience His love and mercy every single day of our lives. However, I must be completely honest with you. Every ounce of joy and happiness will be short lived, evaporating into a puff smoke, until you come to terms with the gruesome lies behind the raw emotions of a shamed-filled life. It's difficult to accept God's love or the love of others when we're weighted down day to day with the burden of guilt and shame.

I can't stress enough the importance to your emotional and spiritual health of accepting God's deep abiding love and His desire that you become an emotionally whole person. Some of you are afraid at this very moment; the very thought of uncovering the deep dark secrets that keep you bound not only frightens you, but presses you to isolate yourself even more because you want to hide from the pain.

Some will even question, "Why must I talk about this and rehash the past? The past is over and I want to move forward. What's done is done!" Those questions are fine to ask, but asking them doesn't solve the problems that brought you here in the first place. Let me be very direct! The past isn't over yet! There may be someone in your life telling you to get over it and quit living in the past. Plainly they're uncomfortable with you digging for answers; they'd rather you keep silent and learn to live with your pain. However, your life is upside down and you are still reeling from the residue of pain of years past.

In fact, the hurt has never really gone away. You've only learned to manage the pain by pushing it back into the recesses of your mind until a memory jars it from its hiding place. The painful memories are still as real today as they were yesterday. In fact, every day of your life you deal with them; some days are worse than others.

You see, it isn't about rehashing the past, but about putting the past behind you for good! As one who has experienced the debilitating emotion of shame, I'll admit it won't be easy. If you're serious though, I want to encourage you that emotional and spiritual freedom can be yours, all that's required is complete honesty on your part. It will require an honest evaluation of your past and why it makes you feel the way you do.

As long as the horrible things we experienced remain secret, we will never break free from the cycle of shame. Why do I say that? Have you ever noticed how bugs like to come out at night? However, as soon as the light comes on, the bugs run for a hiding place, hoping they won't be discovered. Sin reacts the same way when exposed to the light of truth - it runs for cover. Sin does its best work under the cloak of darkness so when sin is uncovered there's no place left to hide and its power is officially canceled.

If we continue to hide, pretending everything is okay, never talking about the horrible things that happened, we'll never get well emotionally. As long as we hide in shame, we will never experience the truth that could free us. Naturally, talking about family secrets that have been tucked away in the back corners of our minds is why some family members go crazy threatening harm to the one jeopardizing them with exposure.

The ones who get angry discussing such things are living a life of shame too. They feel threatened and violated because many of them grew up with the same feelings of unworthiness that you are experiencing. Some agreed to keep the family secrets because they were either at the helm committing the abuse or they were the one being abused. Like you, they too have little if any understanding of why they feel the way they do, so they just cope the best way they know how.

Others live in a state of complete denial, refusing to entertain thoughts that something could be so horribly wrong in their family. This is the only life they know. Changing themselves would require too much effort, so instead of facing the truth, the baton of shame is passed to the next generation.

That's how it works. In families who are bound by shame, the unspoken rule is that everyone agrees to keep the secret without ever discussing it. So naturally, the moment anyone starts to ask questions, shame rears its ugly head and stares you down until you shrink back into silence. No one has to say anything because the only thing necessary to silencing you is the _"_ evil eye".

My friend, this is how cunning and devious the spirit of shame can be. Anyone finding themselves in this kind of situation is truly bound. I'm not talking about wallowing in self-pity and rehashing your story over and over until you run everyone out of your life. No! I'm talking about exposing the shameful things in your past in which Satan's cast iron grip has kept you bound. I'm talking about those feelings of inferiority, low self-esteem and unworthiness that eat away at your confidence and keep you from becoming the wonderful person our Creator created you to be.

Satan doesn't want you knowing this. I'm talking about exposing the shame behind sexual molestation; physical, verbal and mental abuse; rejection; abandonment; alcohol and drug abuse; and fears of every kind. You've kept that dirty little family secret hidden all these years because you're too ashamed to mention the horrors that actually took place and blaming yourself all these years for the abuse. Now is the time to get real about your past so you can have a brighter future. Without acknowledgement many years will be wasted attempting to make your life better. Today is a new day! Today is the day! Today is the day to make a decision that you will be FREE!

# PART 1

### THE ORIGIN OF SHAME: HOW IT ALL BEGAN

_"When pride cometh then cometh shame; but with the lowly is wisdom."_ (Proverbs 11:2)

Slinking back down into my chair, I stared aimlessly out the window as my mind drifted away to an imaginary place. Thoughts whirled around inside my head as I pondered whether or not I could ever be truly happy and emotionally free. How on earth did I get to this place? My life was completely upside down as I slipped further and further into a state of despair. I wasn't even sure I could escape this way of life because, deep inside, I believed that I deserved to feel this way.

Somewhere along the way I believed that I had done something so horribly wrong that I was getting what I rightly deserved. Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut and stop questioning the abnormal behavior in my family? Was I the only one who saw what was going on? Even worse, why did I have to carry around the weight of this agonizing pain because it had done nothing but strip me of every ounce of joy and happiness that ever came my way?

I had this pressing need to talk about the issues I was facing because I instinctively knew it would help to ease the pain, even if it was for just a little while. The only thing stopping me was seeing the look of disapproval written across my grandmother's face.

Our family had this unspoken rule that you just didn't talk about your problems to other people and you certainly didn't inquire about things that happened in the past. It was considered taboo to talk about such things. Looking back now, I can see how everyone pretended life was good when in fact life wasn't good. Oh, how I wanted to run and hide, but hiding only made things worse for me. I lived emotionally isolated because I couldn't bear the thought of dealing with the stinging pain of humiliation anymore.

No matter what I did, I just couldn't shake the awful feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that ate away at my confidence as I struggled to move forward with my life. I wanted to be normal, but how could I get there? Would my life ever amount to anything more than what it was at this moment? I felt that I was knocking against an invisible barrier that kept me from living my dreams and becoming the person I always envisioned myself to be.

Every time I thought I had this thing whipped, the feelings of self-deprecation would wash over me again, leaving me desperately in search for answers. Questions raced through my mind: "How would I ever find the answers? How will I ever get free?"

It would be many years before those answers finally came. I was unaware that God was preparing my heart to receive the answers I needed to hear.

Do you see yourself in this story? Does this story eerily describe your situation? If so, I want you to know you're not alone, my friend. You are on the verge of breaking through barriers that have kept you bound all these years. Keep reading!

**A Wake-up Call**

Thirty-one years ago I was a young college student who should have been enjoying her youth, independence and the fact that life was just getting started. I was attractive, smart and funny, but inwardly I was so miserably unhappy with the way my life was turning out. I was angry, sad and depressed all balled up into one. My life was a runaway train with no one in the driver's seat. I had no direction as I wandered from place to place hoping to find something - anything!

Most of my friendships were strained because my expectations of others were unrealistic and demanding. I was simply falling apart. By the time I reached 20 years of age, I realized there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew I wasn't like other people.

I joined a local church that I grew to love dearly, yet I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Everyone else appeared to be so happy with one another. I'm not saying they were perfect, but there wasn't the underlying tension that comes from being in an emotionally dysfunctional family. I witnessed families loving one another in spite of their differences, helping one another through difficulties and just wanting to be a part of each other's lives.

I had never experienced this kind of love and acceptance, yet I longed to be a part of something so endearing and personal. The concept of total acceptance, though, was completely foreign. I wanted to be accepted for who I was, not because I was doing what someone else thought I should do.

This was only the beginning of God answering my prayers.

**Stalked by the Enemy**

From my earliest memories, I've felt a presence, an invisible foe that pursued me relentlessly - a fierce enemy who threatened my emotional, mental and spiritual state of mind. Like a pet owner walks her dog with a choke leash to control its behavior, the enemy of my soul wrapped its boney fingers around my life, controlling my direction, ready to choke out my very existence if possible. Its sole purpose has always been to crush my self-worth through accusation, rejection, abandonment, and fears, pressuring me with feelings of an overall sense of guilt and shame

Its intentions have always been purely evil, devising schemes and plans of personal attack to emotionally cripple me so that I couldn't function as a normal healthy person. It would have succeeded if God had not intervened to change the course of my life.

Over the past 31 years I have been on a spiritual quest for emotional and spiritual healing. God in His divine mercy has faithfully loved me and has healed many areas of deep emotional pain. However, the spirit of shame was a much stronger adversary than I was emotionally prepared to face. I couldn't foresee how such a nefarious opponent would require every ounce of emotional strength and fortitude that I could muster to overcome its overpowering control.

You see, it has only been recently that I have had the scales lifted from my eyes, to even be able to recognize this evil for what it is. Shame is a cunning adversary; and one with devastating influence, fortifying itself around us slowly and methodically until we've built a prison wall that keeps us locked away. Up to this point most people lack the proper insight to change their circumstance, accepting that life will always be riddled by heartache and pain.

Like many of you I certainly had no idea I could escape shame's cast-iron grip. This may be the same place you find yourself - a place where you feel trapped, with no way out. Let me reassure you, there is a way of escape if you are willing to pay the price. I must warn you there will be roadblocks ahead and there will even be times when it seems all is lost. There will be moments when suddenly out of nowhere you'll experience a rush of emotional turmoil like a volcano erupting from the pressure built up inside. Don't lose hope and don't give up now! You're on your way!

**The Real Culprit of Shame**

Consider for just a moment the rudimentary beginnings of shame. Science supports the fact that everything began at some point in time, so it stands to reason that shame's descent into the human race began at some specific point and time in history.

Throughout all my years of Bible study I never fully understood the subtle yet powerful role shame played in the lives of Adam and Eve, especially after their fall in the Garden of Eden. God divinely opened my understanding to see that this was the place shame originated and it still influences us today. I came across a passage of scripture in the book of Genesis that encapsulates its embryonic stage, pointing to the real source of personal problems we all face. The passage can be found in Genesis 3:10 which says, _"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I [was] naked; and I hid myself."_

Before we begin discussing how to recognize the spirit of shame, let's first talk about where it all began. In Genesis 3 we see the characteristics of the serpent, being Satan, described as "subtle". _"Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?"_ (Genesis 3:1) The word "subtle" in the Strong's Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible is the Hebrew word "'aruwm" which means "subtle, shrewd, crafty, sly, and sensible."

Subtlety is one of Satan's grand tools and he exercises it against mankind at will. Make no mistake; he is a skillfully trained expert when it comes to playing with the human mind. His endgame is an indirect assault, a cleverly disguised maneuver to bypass man's natural understanding. He plays upon the weak areas of our unregenerate minds hoping to plant seeds of doubt in the form of questions. He has had plenty of time to study us from every conceivable angle for thousands of years, looking for potential areas of weakness he can exploit.

Just like a lame wilder beast doesn't last long out on the open safari because of predators, Satan too goes in for the kill after discovering our weakness. His plan is carefully aimed at destroying us spiritually. You see, Satan comes to us cloaked in goodness, twisting the truth, tempting us with questions. He wants us to question God's motives by cleverly disguising evil as good. If he were so blatantly obvious about his true intentions we would reject his advances, so he uses subtlety and craftiness to gain our confidence.

This is the agency by which he gets an advantage over us. This is the same approach he took with Eve in the garden and he uses this same warfare tactic today, hoping to capture us too.

As we go back to the story of Eve's encounter with the serpent, we read how the serpent a.k.a. Satan presented to Eve an argument in the form of a question. This was a deceitful ploy meant as an enticement to second-guess God's command to not eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil - and it worked! She took the bait! Imagine how long it must have taken Satan to wear down Eve's defenses. Most likely she didn't give in to Satan on the first round of tempting questions; it probably happened over a period of time as he skillfully watered down the truth. He mixed just enough truth with error to stimulate her suspicion in God's motives, that God didn't want her to have the best that He was holding out on her.

Naturally her curiosity got the best of her and all she could think about was taking a bite of that juicy piece of fruit. The fruit was pleasing to the eyes, perfectly ripe and just waiting to be picked. Why would God not want her to have the best fruit in the garden? This might have been the line of reasoning that took place as Eve pondered whether or not to take a bite. Satan inserted doubt into Eve's mind so that she would doubt God.

Today Satan's tactics are still the same as then and he still works hard to insert doubt into our minds, hoping we too will question our worth in God's eyes.

As the story of Adam and Eve's fall from grace unfolds we read that she, in fact, gave into Satan's temptation. She ate the forbidden fruit and also gave some to her husband. However, as soon as they took the first bite, their eyes popped opened to the reality of their situation.

Up to this point they were free from all guilt and shame, but now, for the first time, they recognized their own nakedness before God. Not only did they discover their spiritual nakedness, they realized their physical nakedness too. This is why they sought to cover themselves with fig leaves. _"And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons."_ (Genesis 3:7)

Until Adam and Eve's fall from grace they enjoyed a very close fellowship with God, but once they sinned all of that changed. When sin is conceived it always brings forth death until we give our lives to Jesus Christ. Adam and Eve died spiritually to the point they were both dead unto righteousness. Sin now reigned supreme in their mortal bodies and their lost fellowship with God suddenly made them sin-conscious and self-conscious. They had placed themselves in a precarious situation by disobeying God and for the first time shame became their reality.

As the story continues, Adam and Eve tried to stay hidden. _"And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden. And the Lord God called unto Adam and said unto him, where art thou? And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself."_ (Genesis 3:8-10)

Can you see where this passage hints at the spirit of shame? You may ask, "How can that be? The word 'shame' isn't even mentioned?" Let me ask you a question: "How does shame make you feel?"

I've experienced shame and I can tell you I was very much afraid. Not only was I afraid, I isolated myself because I couldn't bear to let other people to see the ugliness I felt. I closed myself off emotionally to the point I let very few people near me in the sense of knowing me on a personal level.

Adam and Eve were no different. They hid themselves too because the weight of guilt and shame rested heavily upon them for disobeying God. Instead of being good and wholesome like God they became like Satan with a fallen nature. Another clue that Adam and Eve were experiencing shame is that they began to project guilt and shame by blaming one another. Eve blamed the serpent for enticing her to take a bite of fruit and Adam blamed God - "It's that woman you gave me."

Emotionally healthy individuals can acknowledge their weaknesses and failures, but emotionally wounded individuals rarely take responsibility for their actions and blame someone else to cover up their failures and weaknesses. This is the way Adam and Eve handled their guilt: they projected guilt and shame onto one another.

Projection of guilt and shame is a true sign of emotional weakness when we're faced with an uncomfortable situation we don't want to look at.

Just like Adam and Eve we too are confronted with making the choice between right or wrong. Our natural inclination is to do wrong because the seed of sin rests inside our human nature. Shame's roots run very deep in the human race and the seed of sin still continues to be passed on from one generation to the next. This is why Jesus Christ had to come, so that we would be alive in him unto righteousness. _"The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly."_ (John 10:10)

You might be saying, "I wasn't there when Adam and Eve chose to sin, so how does any of this affect me?" No! You weren't there, but we are still affected by the choice Adam and Eve made that day. Shame's roots run very deep in the human race and the seed of sin still continues to be passed on from one generation to the next.

**Indoctrinated into Shame**

How often have you sat around the dinner table and the topic of the evening's conversation was about shame? I'll guess almost never! No one likes to talk about shame because it's too painful to think about, much less discuss.. We know all too well that living with shame is emotionally draining; yet we've grown accustomed to living a pitiful existence accepting what little bit of life we do enjoy as being normal.

We are so ingrained with the idea that we are nothing more than mere failures that we unknowingly consent to the pitiful existence in which we find ourselves living. In our failure to recognize that our lives could be different, we are blind to the possibilities that positive change could bring us. In fact, we're so used to being abused that we willingly accept the put-downs and ridicule, believing that we deserve the maltreatment viciously launch against us. Sadly, we learned very early to keep silent about our pain, our needs and desires. It was understood and sometimes verbalized that our needs simply didn't matter, our pain didn't matter. We just had to suck in the hurt and move forward, regardless of how awful we felt inside.

Our family was all too willing to let us go on feeling this way because they couldn't face their own shame. They were only living out the example they had learned as children. So we learned to ignore the gnawing ache of emptiness inside. Some of us were told we wouldn't amount to anything, that we were defective and deficient as human beings.

After feeling the weight of shame for so long, emotional paralysis set in and the ill-spoken words took on a life of their own as we became what we feared the most: an utter failure. Somewhere along the way we gave up, because no matter how hard we tried, the awful feelings of unworthiness never left.

My friend, if this describes you, then please read on.

**Fighting an Invisible War**

In spite of the many decades of research and numerous books written on the topic of shame, the role it plays in our lives is still widely misunderstood. Shame is a thief, stealing every ounce of hope we can muster. We simply learn to cope because we can't fathom life being any different.

Sadly, the day of freedom never arrives because all we can do is hide ourselves away from the view of the world around us, blaming ourselves for the awful feelings that consume every waking minute of our day.

For years I fought the same invisible emotional war that you are fighting right now! Just like you, I never seemed to get better. I always believed the turmoil raging inside of me was normal. After all, this was my reality! Most of my life had been spent cycling and recycling feelings of worthlessness and failure. I always questioned whether I was meant to enjoy life. I observed the lives of other people around me and they didn't seem to have the emotional problems that always seemed to plague me. What was wrong with me?

I eventually found out I had a spirit of shame that had taken over my life from a very young age. I had spent all those years fighting an invisible enemy and now suddenly the veil was lifted for me to see all its ugliness. Even though the pain at times was extremely intense, there flickered a small ray of hope deep inside that wouldn't let me give up. It was this ray of hope that kept me believing that one day; everything would change and would finally be made right.

For the most part, the pain has healed, but I still experience moments when shame suddenly appears out of nowhere, like a ghost from years past, and it's at this point that I have a choice to make. Do I give into the raw emotion of worthlessness or do I continue to forge ahead regardless of how badly I feel, recognizing shame's objective to steal my joy and self-worth?

For me there's no turning back! I choose to move forward regardless of what comes. One thing I am certain of, there is always hope my friend, but getting better emotionally requires dedication. When you can't take another step, keep moving forward. Make the decisive choice to never give up on your dreams of living a joyful life, remembering that circumstances don't always last forever, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

**Exposing Shame**

I can't stress enough the importance of uncovering the ugly truth about shame. Exposing shame's dirty secrets to the light of God's most holy Word loosens the death grip it exercises over us. This one act alone gives us a fighting chance at total freedom. In fact, it's the only chance! Christ took away our guilt and shame as He willingly hung suspended between heaven and earth that day on Calvary. However, shame is quick to blind us very early and often we fail to comprehend the price that Christ paid for us. We fail to see what He accomplished that day in the spirit realm when He received power over the enemy at the very instant He died. Now we no longer have to bow to guilt and shame because Christ triumphantly demolished this evil on the cross.

You see, I have personally experienced the disgrace of shame. My core belief about myself was I was a deficient human being, that I lacked the acceptance that others seemed to enjoy. This sick notion deeply affected the way I viewed myself and, like many of you, I too believed there was very little hope of my life ever changing. The pivotal moment came when I met Jesus Christ. Only then did my life begin to move into a positive direction. You too can experience a life of peace and joy where shame no longer defines the way you live.

Let me say with boldness that your answer lies firmly rooted and grounded in a relationship with Jesus Christ and in Him alone.

# PART 2

### UNDERSTANDING YOUR FALSE SELF

_"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made."_ (Psalm 139:14)

**Core Values Shape Our Beliefs**

All of us have core beliefs that help to shape our thoughts and behaviors; they are the things we admire or hold valuable, they are deeply connected to our own personal convictions and views we hold about ourselves. This is the guiding force behind the choices we make every day, helping to construct the framework by which we make every day decisions. It doesn't matter whether or not our convictions are positive or characteristically negative; they help in determining the way we act towards ourselves and how we treat others.

These hidden beliefs also trigger reactions in us when certain situations and/or people remind us of a painful memory. It happens automatically without any forethought. Oftentimes, our misguided beliefs keep us from making good choices, pushing and prodding us to behave in foolish ways. These strongly held beliefs are so ingrained within our psyches that they can be extremely destructive at times - with devastating results - or they leave us with feelings of heaviness.

Let me give you an example of how a situation can trigger a less-than-positive emotional reaction. While in the early stages of writing this book, I made a trip to visit my dad. On the way there I was actually looking forward to seeing him, hoping for a good visit, considering it had been at least a year since I last saw him. However, when we arrived he stared at us as if we were total strangers. I leaned over to kiss him and the first words out of his mouth were "Have you gained weight?"

This might not have mattered to anyone else, but my dad has always been somewhat critical of me, especially concerning my weight. I was hoping that during this visit he wouldn't say anything and just let it go. But true to form, he couldn't resist the urge to take a jab at me. Oddly enough, there have been times when I've lost at least 40 noticeable pounds and he didn't make one positive remark. He only commented when I looked as if I had gained weight.

What he said made me feel unacceptable in his eyes and I went home feeling very hurt in my heart. I hope you can now understand why we should examine our core beliefs because this is the place where our conscious or subconscious decisions are made, the place where emotional triggers erupt into bad feelings.

I believe this is one of the first steps to making real and meaningful changes.

**Negative Core Beliefs: The Framework of Shame**

I am hopeful that I've given you a clear understanding of how core beliefs make up the framework of who we are. The negative thoughts we have about ourselves and others naturally stem from the core beliefs built into our human psyches. They are instilled early by those closest to us - people we've grown to trust, people we want to believe have nothing but our best interests at heart.

Although as infants we are physically helpless, we are still learning and are keenly aware of our surroundings. We are learning to communicate from those who are closest to us. This is the place where shame likes to hide, a place of familiarity, looking for a moment of weakness so it can penetrate our trusting hearts. Unaware of shame's predisposition to wreak emotional havoc, somewhere along the way we accept someone else's misguided beliefs about who we are and it's those beliefs that shame us. Those of us who battle the awful feelings of shame know the horrifying pain of feeling guilty, the feeling that you've done something wrong but you're not sure what you have done.

You see, we've been pumped and primed in our formative years to believe it's our improper behavior that unleashes a myriad of problems. But shame cannot act alone; it must have a means in which to carry out its heinous crimes. The avenue of choice is rooted in an untruth working in tandem with the negative false beliefs we have about ourselves. Without "the lie" shame is powerless. You can't have one without the other because it is "the lie" that gives shame its power to operate. What lie am I talking about? The lie that you're worthless, hopeless, stupid, incapable, you'll never amount to anything or you.don't belong. Those are the lies we believe that destroy us.

Just like a house needs a framework upon which to build the walls - shame also needs a framework of lies in which to build its house upon. The good news in all of this however is "the lie" loses its power over us when exposed to the light of the gospel. It has no place to hide. That's why it's important to uncover the secret things in our past that we may be free in our present. In my book "Face to Face With God: Healing the Cry Within", I talk about the lies we believe _._ I wrote, "Satan doesn't have the legal right to come into our lives without permission. Some situation or event must first occur for him to have the legal right to enter. If you were going to someone's house for a visit, the only way you would have access to enter would be either by invitation or your possession of a key to the door. Likewise, the quickest and fastest way for Satan to gain access into our lives is either through invitation or having in his possession a key to the front door of our lives. So what might that key be? It could be an area of deception in which we believe something false, embracing a lie of some kind, or an area of sin in which we refuse to confront."

Shame cannot operate without your permission. It can only acquire access through a lie of false evidence. So what lies do you believe? Is it possible, that you are accepting lies that say, "I'm worthless," "I'm unlovable," "I'm a failure," "I can't do anything right," "I'm a burden to others," "I have nothing good to offer anyone," or "I don't belong in this world"?

**Our Identity**

Merriam-Webster's online dictionary defines "identity" as "the relation established by psychological identification." Medical Glossary.org defines "Identification (Psychology)" as "A process by which an individual unconsciously endeavors to pattern himself after another. This process is also important in the development of the personality, particularly the superego or conscience, which is modeled largely on the behavior of adult significant others."

It's only natural to want to emulate other people. That is one of many ways we learn. One can understand how our deeply held beliefs are largely influenced by our parents, siblings, family members or our caregivers.

Now step back for a moment and ponder this thought: Have you ever entertained thoughts in your mind of not measuring up to a set of standards placed on you by someone else, a thought that you were deficient or flawed in some way? Ask yourself, "Where did you get those condemning thoughts?" I submit to you that negative thoughts don't magically appear out of thin air. The thoughts we think about ourselves are influenced by someone with compelling influence - someone whose thoughts about us may be less than positive.

We tend to become who we believe we are, and those beliefs are largely influenced by our families. If we listen to them long enough we eventually become what we have heard we are. Other people outside the realm of direct influence may see our gifts and talents; encouraging us to take chances, yet others closest to us sees through a different set of lenses; holding us back for their own selfish reasons. As long as we give credence to someone else's conviction about us, we will never be able to accept the real truth about who we really are and we'll never achieve our dreams.

**Unhealthy Identity vs. Healthy Identity**

When our thoughts and feelings are unhealthy, we are in a steady state of emotional decline. In other words, we're weak-minded, feeble and emotionally disconnected from reality. I do understand becoming disconnected from situations that bring up emotional pain; this is what we call a "trigger," which we'll talk about later. Right now though, I want you to have a clear understanding of the importance of developing a healthy identity. You can't do that if you're constantly belittling yourself or even listening to the lopsided opinions of other people. So stop disparaging yourself.

A healthy identity begins with knowing who we are in Christ Jesus and what God's Holy Word says about us. Psalm 139:14 says it so beautifully: _"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are they works; and that my soul knoweth right well_." God wants us to see that our lives have meaning, that we can enjoy success in relationships and a life well lived, but our struggles with self-hatred over past mistakes hinders us from seeing the beauty within. It's hard to see ourselves the way God sees us when all we do is criticize and condemn ourselves for past mistakes.

It isn't up to us or even others to decide how much we are worth. No! God decided that the moment He said in the book of Genesis, " _Let us make man in our image, after our likeness,"_ He decided our worth - yours and mine - at that very moment. Our worthiness was decided long before we were ever conceived, long before we ever took our first breath. Therefore, if God deems us worthy, then we are indeed worthy and no one can steal our worthiness because God divinely set our worthiness in stone.

We all have the very attributes of God flowing through every inch of our bodies. Of course, that doesn't stop Satan from trying to make us feel inferior and inadequate. Ever since the fall of mankind in the garden we tend to compare ourselves to others, deciding unfairly who is adequate and who isn't. Comparing ourselves with others brings our joy to a screeching halt because in our minds we simply don't measure up.

God in His wisdom never intended for us to be a clone of anyone else. There is no one else on this earth exactly like you or me. We are indeed uniquely made! Each one of us is so unique in our makeup that even our fingerprints are all different. In other words, the mold was broken the moment God fashioned you, so stop comparing yourself with your neighbor, your friends, and even your spouse. Rejoice that you are different and learn to accept who you are.

The world would be a rather boring place if we all acted and looked alike. Let go of all the emotional and mental garbage that's contaminating your thinking. God loves you! It is as simple as that! You need nothing more than His love. In the scope of things, that's really all that matters, right?

**Shame and Negative Body Image**

According to Wikipedia.com, obesity is a major growing health concern in the United States. Statistics show that one in three adults is considered obese with the numbers growing year after year. Why the vast increase in people with obesity? Why are so many of them choosing to remain obese instead of doing the hard work to lose the weight? If simply losing weight is the answer then why are so many choosing to remain fat?

There has to be another answer besides just eating right and exercising. Is it possible that something more sinister is at work within the human psyche? I'm inclined to believe there is and that the weight problems many of us are facing are an indication of a much deeper problem of the heart and mind.

The negative body images we envision for ourselves stem from unresolved emotional issues related to the way we think about ourselves - thoughts that were instilled from an earlier time in our lives in which we had no control. Those negative thoughts are now the barometer by which we measure our worthiness. We didn't suspect that the things our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and caregivers told us were meant to take away our self-confidence. We simply believed them because they were important people in our lives. We believed they loved us and wouldn't tell us something that would hurt us.

Body image is an important aspect of who we are and because of its importance it is an easy target for shame to gain a foothold. Children are often shamed by their parents or siblings for being a little chubby and are constantly reminded about their need to slim down. The unwanted advice soon becomes a sore spot where eventually the child just tunes them out. Continually being reminded we have a weight problem exacerbates our unwillingness to try to lose the weight.

Shame roots itself deeply into our thoughts at a young age as we experience moments of embarrassment when we walk into a room of slimmer children. Then we start comparing ourselves with others, feeling we are out of place and simply don't measure up to a set of standards everyone else seems to follow with ease.

I was watching _"Extreme Weight Loss,"_ a television show designed to help individuals who are extremely obese to lose weight. The host of the show, Chris Powell, a "transformation specialist", travels across the United States teaching people how to shed hundreds of pounds using education and techniques designed to drop weight fast.

Last season there was a young man who came to the show 400 plus pounds overweight. He came from a family with an alcoholic mother who often passed out on the sofa, leaving him. A terrible habit she developed while in her drunken stupor was to spew hateful words about his weight. I can just image the shame he must have felt at being called fat by the one person who was supposed to love him no matter what.

In order to cope, he became what is known as an emotional eater just to deal with the emotional pain he was feeling. The more he ate the more weight he gained, until he ballooned to more than 400 pounds. Initially, he was excited about losing weight, but after the first 90 days, he was just one pound shy of his goal. This was his life story: he always seemed to fall short of his goals never realizing his dreams. Eventually he quit altogether, believing somewhere deep inside he wasn't worth the time or effort to lose the weight.

Shame keeps us from achieving our dreams. We may get close to them becoming reality, but shame cuts those dreams short, raising its ugly head to steal the precious life.

Let's get real for just a moment! Is it possible, that the struggles you are facing with your weight are feelings of unworthiness related to the way you feel on the inside? Isn't this the reason why you can't lose the weight?

You are eating to cover up the emotional pain of not being good enough or acceptable enough, by overeating or under-eating. As a child you may have been teased about being a little chubby or someone made a snide remark about your body, which caused you to be overly self-conscious and ashamed of your appearance. In isolation you hid from the outside world and food became your new best friend. Eating made you feel good, filling a void on the inside that nothing else could.

Others chose to go in the opposite direction, willingly regurgitating their food to lose weight. Looking in the mirror became an obsession as you carefully critiqued your every imaginable flaw, comparing yourself to an elusive image that existed only in your imagination. At this point you were willing to do just about anything to lose the weight, including starving yourself.

Unhealthy behaviors tied to poor body image can have long-term consequences. In 1983, there was a new medical term that many people didn't understand called Anorexia nervosa. Wikipedia states, "Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by immoderate food restriction, inappropriate eating habits or rituals, obsession with having a thin figure, and an irrational fear of weight gain, as well as a distorted body self-perception." One of the greatest vocalists from the early 1970's was a woman named Karen Carpenter. Boy, could she sing! Her music just cut straight to the heart and before you knew it, you were singing along with her. On February 4, 1983, she died from complications associated with anorexia nervosa. This great loss of talent to a horrible eating disorder could have been prevented.

We are so fixated about being physically perfect; our obsession with the so-called perfect body has generated the eating disorders we see today. Sadly, people who suffer from "Anorexia nervosa", "Bulimia", or obesity are emotionally and mentally distorted in their thoughts. No matter how beautiful others think they are, still, they choose to believe they are ugly and bodily deformed. Shame has become their reality; it is the face behind their pain.

In Harriet Lerner's 2004 book, "Fear and Other Uninvited Guests" she writes, "Anytime we become anxiously over focused on this or that part of our body or appearance, it's a good bet that we are under focused on something else; past or present, that we don't want to look at". In other words, the anxiety we presently are facing, is really the results of a deeper issue that we are refusing to look at. Digging down deep to find the source of shame isn't easy, but is a necessary part of healing.

It seems our culture has an answer for everything, including a plethora of wisdom in the arena of weight loss. Every time you surf the internet or turn on the television, someone comes up with a new way to help you lose weight. Some of these ideas work, but they don't work for everyone.

There isn't a shortcut solution to emotional problems associated with obesity, anorexia or bulimia. They are emotional problems of the heart and mind that requires complete honesty with oneself. Suffering from obesity, anorexia, or bulimia is only a symptom of shame, but the feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy are really the root cause of our weight problems.

I personally understand all too well how we are consumed with negative body image. This has been a major contributing factor to the negative views I have about myself. I also believe this has contributed greatly to my own issues about weight. For years I tried to lose weight and was successful for a short time only to gain the weight back plus more. I couldn't keep it off because I had not dealt with the feelings of unworthiness that kept me on a yo-yo course of losing and gaining. Maybe this is the same place you find yourself ~ a place of losing and gaining, losing and gaining.

I know from personal experience that we must confront the shame behind our weight issues to lose the weight permanently. Until that time we can expect a lifetime of struggles in this area.

**Media Projects Negative Body Image**

Every day we are bombarded with stereotypical body images through television, billboard advertisements, magazines and social media, suggesting that we simply don't measure up to an ideal standard of beauty portrayed by the media. Advertisements imply that women should have larger breasts, smaller buttocks and thighs, perfect facial features free of blemishes, perfectly aligned teeth and long flowing hair. Men are told they must have a perfectly defined physique with huge biceps, broadly masculine shoulders, a dashing smile, thick beautiful hair and perfect facial features. Is it any wonder, then, that we're confused and dissatisfied with ourselves?

Tell me, what good has come out of comparing ourselves to a fake image someone else created? I'll tell you what it has done; it has created a society whose self-worth is in the toilet. We have given the media way too much control by handing over the reins of personal power. We have given them permission to define our self-worth using unrealistic images that feed the discontentment we have with ourselves. These images are false having absolutely nothing to do with reality. The images we see are air-brushed and are made to look perfect using the tricks of a camera and photo-enhancing software. If we were to see the real men and women behind these images, we'd soon find out they have imperfections just like we do.

_"Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me."_ (Exodus 15:4-5) There is something terribly wrong when we spend most of our day thinking about changing the way we look to appease some nonsensical illusion that projects the notion of total physical perfection. As a result of constantly feeding our minds with media garbage, our dissatisfaction turns us to unhealthy obsessions that harm us in the long run.

**Building a Strong Emotional Foundation**

Building a strong emotional foundation is important for our mental stability. So how do we build a strong foundation that's not so easily shaken by life's storms? How can we protect ourselves from the negative thoughts or opinions of others when we were raised to believe the worst about ourselves? It's true we have no control over other people, but their opinions shouldn't be the determining factor in the way we choose to live. Neither did we have any say-so about the family we were born into, yet some family members take it upon themselves to be the voice of conscious telling us why we can or can't do this or that - even correcting us when our choices fall out of agreement with theirs. This is precisely why you must get a strong grasp on yourself as an individual, seeing yourself as God sees you.

Building a solid foundation is much like laying a foundation for a new home. The most important aspect of building any home is to make sure the foundation is strong and free of cracks or dips. This requires leveling the ground where the foundation will rest insuring a good quality-constructed slab. If the ground shows signs of unevenness, the foundation will be uneven as well, insuring that cracks will eventually form, affecting the structural part of the house. Cracks in a home's foundation points to bigger problems, costing thousands of dollars later down the road. If the problems aren't corrected, something more catastrophic is likely to happen, such as your home falling apart - literally.

Just like any home needs a solid foundation and a solid internal structure, people also need a solid emotional foundation to be healthy. Life will always throw us a curve ball, but when we're emotionally healthy the storms of life don't affect us the same as someone who's emotionally broken.

Years ago, when I was a young college student, I once forgot to pay my car insurance. The insurance company sent me a letter stating that my insurance had lapsed and I no longer had coverage. During those days I went wherever the wind blew me. I had no direction and there was no one who watched over me. It was hit or miss because I lived my life as though there was no tomorrow. As you might guess, I fell apart emotionally after reading the letter. I was a total basket case! It turned out to be a small matter, but to me it was everything because I never learned to handle problems in a constructive way. The smallest complication sent me off into a tailspin to the point I thought my life was over.

I know this is laughable to some, but there are individuals who simply can't handle the smallest of problems. They turn everything into a crisis situation making it worse than what it really is. When we think this way, cracks appear in our veneer threatening our emotional state. Negativity builds up on the inside until we have a serious emotional breakdown. We must fight against self-destructive thinking because it can and will destroy us. It's important to get control over our "stinking thinking".

_"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."_ (Philippians 4:8) We have an internal dialogue with ourselves that sounds something like this: "I'm stupid", "I can't do anything right," "Nothing good ever happens to me," "I won't ever amount to anything good," or "I'm a total failure." Destructive thinking has a way of self-fulfillment. The more I talk about it, the more I become the horrible things I believe that I am. Sadly, no one can tell us any differently instead we choose to believe the worst things about ourselves.

I can tell you these aren't the kinds of beliefs that make a person emotionally strong. Ask yourself, "Are my beliefs genuinely rooted in a positive understanding of the person I am in Jesus Christ or are they negative in nature, tearing apart everything good in my life?" This is an important question that must be answered in order to know that we are headed in the right direction.

To become spiritually and emotionally sound requires dedication and a willingness to see ourselves through the eyes of a loving Savior. Jesus Christ's plans for us are to be spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically whole from the inside out so that we are useful in the Kingdom of God. We can't experience true emotional soundness if we're constantly cutting ourselves down.

Remember, God doesn't make trash!

**Looking for Answers**

Have you ever set out on a mission to discover your family history only to be stonewalled, and not a single person was remotely interested in helping you? It's quite possible someone in your family may have said, "Shame on you for having the nerve to dig into the past. Don't you know we don't discuss such matters?" It's also quite possible they don't want you digging into the past because you might discover dark secrets that were hidden and are better left alone. In an effort to silence your new exploration, they throw you off track, projecting guilt and shame, hoping you'll end your pursuits.

You see, the enemy of our soul is a master at keeping secrets. He hides the truth to keep us emotionally bound. Satan skillfully manipulates people and circumstances to keep us running around in circles. The two ways he accomplishes this are to project guilt and shame to keep us silent. Once we've been muzzled, we're tied up emotionally, internalizing our pain with no one to turn to.

**Roadblocks to Finding Truth**

There will always be roadblocks to personal growth, however the good news is God created within us a desire to overcome obstacles, not sit back and let our lives slip away in defeat. _"Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world."_ (John 4:4) Dysfunctional families are hard-wired to defend destructive behaviors. Defensiveness is their way of hiding the darkness associated with abuse; but open honesty seeks to find the truth. Honesty troubles shamed-based families because they can't handle the truth about what happened. It's too painful! Those within the confines of the family will likely never acknowledge the abuse ever happened. Sadly, most of them if not all of them have core values based in lies, self-justification, and pride. There will likely be family, friends and even a spouse who will use shame as a tool to thwart our progress to ensure that we fail in our attempts to get at the truth. They may not have personal knowledge of the events that took place, only a story they're repeating that's been rehearsed over and over through the years.

We must not listen to the voice of shame; we must continue to press forward in our pursuit to be free. Exposing family secrets does come with its risks. Secrets don't remain secret for generations without a threat of some kind being made against members who feel the need to talk about what happened. So be prepared to endure an onslaught of emotional garbage being thrown at you because you don't want to keep the secret anymore.

**Identifying Shame Triggers that Threaten Healthy Self-Esteem**

All of us have a unique set of triggers that affect each of us differently. Shame's game is to trigger a response that is connected to a bad memory so that we'll crawl back into isolation. Shame comes in many shades and colors, evoking different reactions in different people. We may feel embarrassed walking into a room because we think other people are staring at us. Somewhere in our past we were made to feel overly self-conscious about ourselves. Other times we feel a sense of unworthiness after seeing someone we admire.

If we live a life of shame we also live a life of dishonor; we dishonor ourselves with unrealistic expectations of who we are supposed to be and we dishonor others: the ones whom we envy.

Below is a list of resulting behaviors associated with shame. This list isn't exhaustive, but is meant to help you acknowledge areas in your own life where shame needs to be addressed. Be honest with yourself! If you are experiencing any of these emotions be willing to admit it. Acknowledgment is the first step to change.

Embarrassment

Embarrassment is the emotional state of being made self-consciously uncomfortable or aware of our own inadequacy. It's that feeling of awkwardness we experience when faced with situations that cause us physical discomfort. Ask yourself what kinds of situations embarrass you.

Unworthiness

Unworthiness makes us feel we are undeserving of good things, that we're not good enough or acceptable enough to others. It is a feeling that we lack personal value or importance.

Inadequacy

Inadequacy makes us feel that we don't measure up to a set of standards put in place by someone who doesn't value us. We feel powerless and incompetent to achieve anything that is important.

Lack of Confidence

To lack confidence is to believe we can't succeed or accomplish anything. We feel we are lacking to the point of utter hopelessness that eats away at what little confidence we do have. A lack of confidence nullifies our gifts and talents to the point they lay waste and are never used.

Anger or Rage

Anger is a natural emotion we all experience from time to time, but deep-seated anger resulting from shame is harmful. This kind of anger is what we call rage. Rage is a sudden expression of anger. It can be deadly and difficult to control.

Bitterness

Bitterness is a strong emotion that leads to unforgiveness if left to grow unhindered. Bitter feelings take root when we feel we have been treated unfairly or devalued in some way.

Unforgiveness

Unforgiveness is the unwillingness to forgive another for the wrongs perpetrated against us. We feel we are justified by holding on to past hurts and wrongs.

Competitive Jealousy

There is a difference between healthy competition and unhealthy competition. Healthy competition is striving to win a prize at the same time another person is striving to win the same prize. Competitive jealousy on the other hand is deadly. It is that desire, jealousy or feelings of envy we feel at the good fortunes or accomplishments of another person. It causes us to gossip, slander, and back-bite in an effort to take away their honor or what is of value to them.

# PART 3

### THE MANY FACES OF SHAME

_"The thief cometh not, but for to steal and to kill and destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly."_ (John 10:10)

Shame can cost us everything, down to the shirt on our backs. There are people who are living on the streets of America who are homeless. Many have been driven away through some form of abuse because they couldn't cope with the pain of abuse any longer.

Unfortunately, those who were abused didn't get the necessary tools to deal with life's problems. They didn't learn how to maneuver around the defeating blow of toxic shame. Instead, we choose familiarity, living in an emotional climate where we continue to believe we're unworthy, that we simply don't matter in the scope of things.

I don't believe living on the streets is a conscious decision, but one based on subconscious reasoning. The pain and hurt speaks so loudly, the only way to escape is to leave. Shame forces us to run from our problems instead of confronting them. This happens when we allow something or someone other than God to lead us.

Shame may be the guiding hand behind your choices. Remember, that shame doesn't act alone; it needs a venue or medium to work through to be effective. For example, if you want to watch your favorite program on television, there must first be a portal or point of entry for the satellite to beam a signal into your living room. The portal is your television set, however without the satellite signal there is no reception of information transported into the television. All you have is a useless television set. Shame operates in much the same way. The entry point or portal of choice is through a spirit of witchcraft.

Are you shocked? You shouldn't be! " _For rebellion is the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness iniquity and idolatry."_ (1 Samuel 15:23) Witchcraft is another word for "divination" whose literal translation means to "let the divine realm manifest." The purpose of witchcraft is to weave thoughts contrary to God's Word into the unseen and unregenerate areas of our minds, for the sole purpose of seducing us into believing lies. I'm not talking about casting spells and incantations, but a mere suggestion of thought that takes residence within our hearts causing us to believe something that isn't true.

Why would Satan take aim at our hearts? According to www.scienceray.com, "Scientific evidence pointed out that, in fact, the heart can dictate the brain which is touted as a more rational and conventionally more pragmatic decision maker. According to the Institute of Heartmath, the heart communicates with the brain in ways that influence how we perceive and respond to stimulus coming from the outside world. The heart can even cause the brain to obey its commands." It's pretty clear from scientific evidence that our heart does in fact have the capability of thinking on its own. God knew when He created us that our hearts had this kind of capability. That's why we are commanded in the Book of Proverbs to _"Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it [are] the issues of life."_

We are more susceptible to believing lies because we inherited our sin nature through the fall of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. This is precisely why Satan aims to corrupt it. If our heart can be corrupted with lies, eventually our thoughts and behaviors will follow suit. Satan is very cunning with remarkable ability to present a lie as truth, even when it is clearly error.

Now think back to some of your earliest memories and ask yourself the following questions. "What lies were spoken over you that are now manifesting in the visible realm of your life?" Which words did you take to heart that are now flowing from your life in a cesspool of waste?" The thoughts we think about ourselves initially come from someone else. It matters who we listen to. Ask yourself what words have you given ear to that are now taking up residence within the walls of your heart.

Shame is expressed in many different ways. It is often triggered by an event that reminds us of an earlier time where we experienced the crushing blow of being shamed.

For example, I grew up in a children's home and was raised by people who were not my parents. I basically became a ward of the state which provided everything I needed. My father seldom, if ever, contributed financially, to any of my needs. On occasion when I would see him, inevitably I would ask for a little money, but his response to me was always the same: "I can't help you."

His unwillingness to help me financially instilled in me the belief that I was unworthy of his love and support, that something was terribly wrong with me that even my own father wouldn't help me. I always felt like I was a total stranger in my own family, like I was on the outside looking in. The trigger of shame still tries to raise its ugly head from time to time the way it did so long ago.

Shame distorts our view of right and wrong, clouding our judgment when it comes to making choices. Sadly, we don't even put up a fight; rather we wrongly accept the guilt. Deep inside we believe we deserve to be kicked around, that it is our fault they went off on us. If only we had been good enough, or if we hadn't said the wrong thing, then this wouldn't be happening.

In our failure to protect ourselves, we are complicit in our guilt just the same as the one trying to shame us. In other words, we are guilty by association when we allow others to tear us apart simply because they believe we've committed a grave wrong. Standing in agreement with them only distorts our reality because we have given them permission to demoralize us.

Self-esteem based in shame can be much like handling a delicate piece of crystal. If not handled with extreme care it can shatter into a million little pieces. Individuals, who, like me, have lived a shame-based existence, are naturally prone to this type of emotional frailty. We lack both the emotional strength to stand up for ourselves and the fortitude to recognize the emotional triggers that threaten to break us into a million tiny pieces.

Emotional triggers go off like fireworks on the Fourth of July, threatening our peace unless we learn to recognize them. We don't have the luxury of shrinking back in fear anymore. Now that we are faced with the reality of our situation, we must be completely honest in confronting the truth about us no matter how painful it may get. However, I must warn you that getting brutally honest requires a complete and open dialogue with yourself to be free from the stronghold shame has over your life.

**Three Controlling Behaviors that Produce Shame**

There are three kinds of controlling behaviors that produce feelings of shame. These behaviors give indication of a manipulative, controlling individual who wants to have their way at your expense. All three operate from a spirit of witchcraft as a means of gaining access into your life.

You might be thinking, "I don't practice witchcraft and neither does anyone in my family." Let me clarify. You don't have to be a confessed witch to be guilty of witchcraft. You see, witchcraft displays three distinguishable characteristics that partner with someone attempting to exert control over another person. These three characteristics or traits are manipulation, intimidation and domination. " _For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king."_ (1 Samuel 15:23) Did you notice the word "rebellion"? "Rebellion," according to Webster-Merriam Dictionary, means "opposition to one in authority or dominance." God created man to be a free agent. He gave us authority over ourselves along with the freedom to choose our own fate, unconstrained and unchained. However, Satan wants to dominate us in every way possible, taking away our freedom to make choices.

Freedom of choice is God's gift to man. He gives us the choice to love and serve Him, not be forced against our will. God took the greatest risk of all when He gave us a free will. This is precisely the difference between God's undying love and Satan's hatred for mankind. Witchcraft on the other hand, exhibits Satan's nature of control through manipulation, intimidation and domination. It tries to force us into submission. This is the exact opposite of God's love.

Anyone who forces you against your will doesn't have your best interest at heart. In fact, they don't love you at all. Their only concern is meeting their selfish needs above your needs. If there is someone in your life who displays this type of behavior, watch out! Get away from them as soon as possible! You will never experience emotional freedom until you break the stronghold of shame. You may experience moments where you feel free, but trust me, shame doesn't give up so easily. Its power must be broken!!

**The Art of Manipulation**

Wikipedia defines psychological manipulation as "a type of social influence that aims to change the perception or behavior of others through underhanded, deceptive or even abusive tactics." Manipulators don't have real friends, only victims. They are deftly skilled in the art of using psychological persuasion through misleading conduct to get what they want. Manipulation is all about exerting control over your will and using every possible advantage at their disposal to achieve the results they want.

However, not all manipulators are the same. Some are more devious than others, using underhanded methods to exploit their victims while others are not consciously aware of their coercive behavior. The latter is behavior that has been polished throughout their lives because they learned early to manipulate as a means of getting the things they wanted. It became second nature, and eventually becomes a part of their personal make-up. They don't see it as a damaging way to deal with others.

**Modus Operandi**

There are a lot of techniques a manipulator will use to achieve results. It's important for you to understand that the main goal of any manipulator is to get what they want. Remember, they're used to getting their way so don't underestimate their ability to use any means necessary to achieve those results either. One of their most effective methods of diverting your attention away from their true intentions is getting you to let down your guard by intentionally using sweet syrupy language .There's a saying that I've heard over the years that I think is quite fitting, "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."

The manipulators' approach is to slather you with compliments as a means of getting you to let down your guard. It's a mind game to them - one they've probably used on other people, so they know exactly how to take advantage of a given situation. How often have we been persuaded to do things we ordinarily wouldn't do by someone speaking sweet nothings in our ears? I have! In a manipulator's desperation he or she will tell you anything you want hear. He'll listen in on your conversations using your own words to manipulate and crush you.

For example, perhaps a girl has been telling her boyfriend how much she loves and needs him in her life. In his mind he's probably thinking how he can use her neediness to get her into bed with him. So he begins to pressure her to have sex. Never mind that she is saving herself for marriage, because all he can think about is meeting his own selfish needs. She's been consistent in saying no for so long that he's become sexually frustrated.

At this point he will say anything to get her to give in to his demand for sex. The conversation goes something like this: "Baby you know how much I love you; you know I would never hurt you. You know that, don't you? I need you! If you love me, you'll do this one thing for me. You'll make me the happiest man in the world. You know you're the only girl for me; I promise we'll be together forever.

Sound familiar? I don't know the number of women who have fallen for this line of bull, but I can guess it's probably a high percentage. Most women are naturally affectionate, wanting to be loved and needed. This is a part of her make-up and very important to her. However, some men instinctively know how to use her need for love and attention to their advantage.

Any girl, who grew up without the love and affirmation of a father, is more prone to fall into this kind of trap. Her need for love acts like a magnet, drawing the wrong kind of man to her. In the end she is left emotionally scarred and bruised. Afterwards, he moves on to the next girl using the same manipulative tactics to meet his sexual needs. He has learned the art of manipulation. This is deviant behavior, my friend, and we've got to learn to recognize who our enemy is.

If begging doesn't work, threats are made either directly or are veiled in behaviors meant to scare us into conformity. I believe emotionally vulnerable people are more inclined to trust lies because they want so badly to be loved and accepted. They'll do practically anything, even betray themselves. Manipulative people are really good at using guilt and emotional blackmail to get you to come around to their way of thinking. According to USLegal.com, emotional blackmail is defined as "A form of emotional abuse, which involves the use of emotions and insecurities of the victim to manipulate the victim. It is usually directed at controlling the victim's behavior and actions." Anyone who threatens you with emotional blackmail is dangerous and you should make it your mission to get away from that person's influence.

**In the Crosshairs of a Manipulator**

Finding ourselves in the crosshairs of a manipulative person places us at tremendous risk of being taken advantage of. Whether it's conscious or sub-conscious, manipulative people are always on the lookout for easy prey. Their target of choice is usually an emotionally needy person whom can be easily manipulated and controlled. "Why an emotionally needy person, you ask?" First of all, emotionally needy individuals are hard to miss; they stick out like a sore thumb. Second, their constant need for love and approval flashes like a neon sign attracting the wrong kinds of people to them like a magnet. Overwhelmed by their own emotional needs they impulsively jump at the first opportunity to be a part of something or someone before evaluating the risks involved.

All they want is to be loved, and it is this need that drives them to spontaneously let down their guard even at the risk of being humiliated, devalued and demoralized. Families are especially good at using manipulative tactics to make a member feel guilty. The emotional price to be paid is being shamed and humiliated just to teach you not to go against the rules. If you choose to rebel, there are consequences they will use to pull you back in line with the family agenda.

**Root of Manipulation**

The root cause of manipulation stems from a darkened heart of envy and jealousy. Envy is defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary as "a resentful attitude of an advantage that another person enjoys joined with a desire to possess the same advantage." Jealousy on the other hand is "hostility towards a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage." Jealousy paves the road but envy drives the car; it is the stronger of the two. Envy says "I want what you have and I'm going to take it against your will." This is the driving force behind manipulative controlling behaviors.

Envious people feel deficient wanting the recognition or prosperity that others seem to enjoy. They are envious of the gifts, talents, or possessions of others; going to great lengths to get what they believe should rightfully be theirs for the taking. It doesn't matter how they get it, as long as they take it from you. Envious people have a really dark side which tends to be mean and nasty. In public they are the nicest people to be around; you would never guess they have wrong intentions, however in private they become a monster and are impossible to live with. They want you to feel guilty over the fine qualities you possess that they don't have.

Jealousy and envy are the evil twins that run rampant in families creating a lot of shame among its members. This is the ugliness behind a lot of sibling rivalry. Competitiveness between siblings is often engendered by parents who compare their children to one another. You might have heard, "If only you could make straight A's like little Johnny" or "Why are you always in trouble? Can't you be more like your sister?" Too often parents encourage competitive jealousy between their children because of their own inability to accept the imperfections within themselves. In order to make themselves look good, they attempt to force their offspring into compliance by belittling and berating them for their lack of drive or failure to achieve. It's likely they too experienced the same competiveness and rivalry with their siblings.

This is extremely harmful behavior with adverse consequences in the long run. No one likes being compared to someone else. How often have I heard someone say "I'm not like my older sister or brother? My parents worshipped the ground they walked on but I couldn't do anything right." Some of the shame we feel inside comes from being compared with others and not lovingly accepted for who we are.

What about the mother who is jealous of her teenage daughter's youthful beauty? I knew someone once who said that when she was a teenager her mother constantly put her down with insulting remarks about her body. She would say things like, "You're hips are too big for the skirt you're wearing" or "Your legs are rather skinny-looking in those shorts." Eventually this young girl became self-conscious unable to see the natural beauty she possessed. Her mother's intimidating and demeaning remarks of jealousy were meant to shame her. The truth was her mother was envious of her daughter's youthful beauty, choosing to take away her confidence to lift up her own lack of self-worth..

**Other Forms of Manipulation**

Other forms of manipulation involve the projection of guilt and shame. Romans 8:1 tells us, _"[There is] therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit."_ If anyone attempts to place guilt or condemnation on you, remember this is a tactic used by the devil not God! Guilt is a cunningly deceptive strategy meant to deflate a person by excessively burdening her with thoughts of shame as a means of controlling her. Families are especially skilled in this area using it frequently to bring a wayward member back in line with the family agenda. If the black sheep of the family tries to exert any kind of independence outside the family, its members project guilt and shame to weaken their defenses. This type of behavior is used to gain control of an untenable situation.

The goal behind their controlling manipulative behavior is to shame them into silence. In families who were raised in a shame-based environment, there is always at least one person who feels it is his duty to make sure everyone is abiding by the same secret rules as everyone else, going out of their way to ensure that secrets remain secret. Some of the tactics he uses is to shame the offender by calling them names, blaming them for problems in the family, invalidating their feelings or refusing to acknowledge that problems exist in the family.

These manipulators have been conditioned to believe that "Whatever happens in the family stays in the family and no one needs to know the nauseous details of abuse." In their minds talking about what happened is somehow disrespectful to those who were the perpetrators, especially if they were a parent or grandparent. This is how backwards their beliefs are. True to form, they have been pumped and primed to defend wrong behaviors, even behaviors that break laws of decency and morality. Unless God intervenes, they'll always be blinded by shame.

**Intimidation**

If the methodology of controlling you through manipulation doesn't work, the next strategy will be to intimidate you. According to Wikipedia, the definition of "intimidation" is defined as "Intentional behavior that "would cause a person of ordinary sensibilities: fear of injury or harm." The threat of injury may be physical or emotional, escalating into verbal or harassing threats to force you to submit to the enemy's control. Verbal threats are used to instill fear as a means of getting you to comply.

According to wiseGEEK.com, "Verbal harassment is language that is directed at another person that causes harm, typically in an emotional or psychological sense. Calling a person names, making him or her feel useless, or otherwise diminishing a person's self-worth can all be forms of verbal harassment." Verbal harassment is basically a form of bullying. It doesn't matter to the bully if he emotionally maims or demeans you, he will use the power of coercion, deception, guilt, shame, bullying or any other means deemed necessary to bring that person under his sick control. It is a mean-spirited and treacherously deceptive tactic and, the end game is convincing the victim to accept his lies.

I have been a victim of this of kind of intimidation. As a young girl, I was bullied mercilessly. One insidious strategy used to intimidate me, was calling me insulting names. Anyone who is called demoralizing names for any length of time begins to question her own self-worth. It's hard to not believe what others are saying when it is repeated over and over.

As a result of the constant barrage of name calling, my defenses were weakened to the point I felt helpless to defend myself. This created situations that made me more susceptible to being bullied more often. It's a vicious cycle that continually repeats itself over and over until the person is so broken she is emotionally paralyzed. This is how intimidating people want you to feel. They want you to feel helpless and defenseless, cowering to their demands.

**The Blame Game**

Blame is another example of shaming through intimidation. The blame game is meant to conceal bad behavior by placing all the attention on your flaws and shortcomings. No one likes to have an accusing finger pointed in their face. It's very difficult to defend yourself against anyone who is yelling and screaming that you are the cause of all their problems. The emotional trigger of blame is probably one of their favorite tactics. It takes the focus off of them and places it on you. This is very cowardly conduct because the person blaming you simply doesn't have the guts to be honest. In essence you are their scapegoat.

No one like to think he or she is somehow responsible for the bad behaviors of other people, but this is precisely what blame does, it makes us feel responsible. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines "blame" as, "to say or think that a person or thing is responsible for something bad that has happened, to find fault with, or to hold responsible."

It seems we are always attempting to fix a problem, or weakness we've been accused of having. The good news is that we don't have to accept blame anymore. Standing up for us by refusing to accept responsibility for someone else's bad behavior is the first step to unchaining ourselves from all the emotional garbage tossed our way. Don't be surprised when the guilty party doesn't show any sign of remorse. This is seldom if ever the case. They believe their assessment of you is absolutely correct and you'll never get them to admit they are wrong in judging you. This is devilish behavior. We must learn to recognize this tactic of control to keep from falling into its trap.

**Invalidation of Your Feelings**

Invalidation of one's feelings is by far one of the most painful assaults on a person's life experiences. One of the worst things a manipulator can do is try to convince his victim that her thoughts or feelings are simply wrong or imagined. This is the face of invalidation. The theme behind every argument of invalidation is to refuse acknowledgment or consideration of her thoughts and feelings that do not agree with his. He simply denies her life experiences as though they are nothing more than illusions. Invalidation is another way of being called a liar and is a form of denial.

This is especially true of families who harbor deep dark secrets of physical, mental, emotional, drug, alcohol or sexual abuse. The horrors of abuse in some families are so great that everyone lives in a perpetual state of denial. This is the only way family members can go on with life- they simply deny the abuse is happening. It's like having an 800 pound gorilla sitting in the room and no one acknowledges that it's there.

How many times has a young girl gone to her mother for protection from a sexually abusive father or boyfriend only to be told "You are imagining things"? Instead her mother defends her abuser, projecting blame against her innocent daughter by accusing her of inviting his sexual advances. The abuser gets away scot free because the mother refused to acknowledge the abuse her child was living in, thereby invalidating her worth as a person of value. The daughter walks away feeling shamed for her part in the abuse and believing that she is responsible for what happened.

If she can't find protection in her mother then who can she trust? Sadly she has to find a way to cope with the residue of shame until she can escape her horrible existence.

**Domination**

Domination is by far the most destructive form of control. Initially, a dominating person shows a lot of personal interest in their victim, hiding their true agenda cloaked in niceties. This is a method to get you to let down your guard. They want to get close enough to earn your trust.

On the surface, they appear to know exactly what to say and when to say it. It's amazing how keenly attentive they are in the beginning, especially when it comes to meeting the needs of their victim. They can't get enough of their presence, lavishing them with all kinds of attention and endearing words that roll off their tongue like honey. Before you know it, the victim is telling themselves, this is the one.

The victim is completely enamored with all the love and attention they are getting, that they foolishly overlook the dominator's selfish, controlling, and manipulative tendencies. Before they know it, they are married and life changes in midstream. Suddenly, the person they fell in love with becomes Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, changing so radically, it's like night and day. Instead of the sweet and attentive spouse they married, now, they endure a barrage of name calling and insults. The special attention they once enjoyed turns to cutting and snide remarks to make them feel inferior. In the victim's mind, they are asking themselves what went wrong. The problem is they married a control freak, someone who married them for their own deceptive reasons and can make life a living hell.

If you find yourself in a controlling relationship, there will be telling signs. One of the first signs is that you feel pretty rotten around them most of the time. They don't know how to encourage, they don't listen very well, they interrupt you while you're talking, they are a know-it-all and your concerns mean very little to them. In fact, they would rather you not share any of your concerns with them.

However, they are very much interested in hearing how your life revolves around them. Being the center of your world is what makes them happy. They work very hard to bring your confidence down to an all time low to make sure that you are constantly second guessing yourself while they unwittingly throw you off balance.

Second, your flaws and weaknesses inevitably become the topic of every disagreement in an effort to lower your self-assurance. It doesn't matter that the disagreement is about something else, it always ends with you being the brunt of blame. Your faults are used as a weapon to hurt you. They want you to be self-conscious and painfully aware of your shortcomings, that you see less of theirs. The focus is all centered on you.

Third, they prefer that you do what you are told and become who they say you are. They use demeaning tactics, such as name calling to lower your self-confidence and raise theirs. Be extremely cautious with anyone who exhibits this kind of controlling behavior. Walk away!

Domineering people are deftly skilled in manipulating situations and circumstances to make sure they get exactly what they want. Hidden behind every ultimatum is the demand that you submit to their way of doing things or else. There's no such thing as being equal partners with them, because you life revolves around them.

Remember, control is all about making them feel secure, so resisting them may be the catalyst that pushes them over the edge. This may lead to verbal threats or physical force to get you to comply with their demands. At this juncture, you would be wise to leave the situation immediately and protect yourself from a potentially dangerous situation.

This is the ugliness of living with a controlling and manipulative person. At its core is an utterly selfish individual who shows very little regard for you or anyone else for that matter. He is not interested in how you feel; he doesn't care about your needs or desires; only his need to control every waking minute of your life. You are seen more as an object to be manipulated than a person with a right to live free. Sadly, control is where he finds his place of security. It's a mind game in which they are the one in the driver's seat of the relationship. They want to keep you bound because they don't trust your judgment in making decisions.

Another one of their deadly traits is their tendency to get really angry when you step outside the boundaries they have put in place for you. In their twisted minds, they are convinced that you can't make healthy choices on your own so they must intervene to keep a tragedy from occurring in your life.

You can forget the idea of them walking away without a fight, they have too much invested in the relationship, and they refuse to give up the control they've fought so hard to secure to anyone.

**Being Controlled Goes against Our Nature**

The need to dominate another person isn't a normal thought pattern. Individuals who lean towards this type of behavior do it out of their own insecurity. They are what we call a "control freak." According to Wikipedia, "a control freak is a derogatory term for a person who attempts to dictate how everything around them is done." Control freaks are people who defend themselves against their own weaknesses by taking control of their environment and everyone in it. According to Robin Skynner and John Cleese, authors of "Families and How to Survive Them,""Such persons manipulate and pressure others to change so as to avoid having to change themselves". They simply want everyone else to walk the line by changing to suit them. When change isn't forthcoming, you can expect trouble to be around the corner.

Being controlled goes against our natural inclination as human beings. Inside each one of us, is a desire to live a life of freedom, to live unfettered, to make choices that best suit our needs and to live a life of true happiness.

My friend, this is how God designed us to live. There's nothing joyful about being controlled or held in bondage against our will. However, this is precisely the endgame of domineering people - to take away your freedom to choose because their misguided belief is that they know what is best.

Dominance is like the proverbial frog sitting on the stove in a pot of warm water. He doesn't realize he's being cooked for dinner until it's too late to get out. Dominance is much the same way: it doesn't take over a person's life overnight but slowly develops a death grip over time. By the time we realize we're trapped in an untenable situation it's often too late. We feel trapped, completely confused and lack the necessary understanding to disentangle ourselves from its suffocating grip.

Control wraps itself around us like a poisonous vine wraps its tentacles around a vibrant tree, strangling the life flow by preventing it from reaching its full growth potential. Eventually the vine suffocates the life of the tree like dominance kills the life of the human spirit. Dominance works hard to convince us that we can't make our own decisions, we can't take care of ourselves, that someone else is better suited to lead us. Slowly but surely over a period of time we start to believe the lies that we're incapable of taking care of ourselves, that we're too immature or flighty to make our own decisions, that we can't make it on our own without help or that no one will ever want us because we're too stupid to get out of the pouring rain.

This is the kind of emotional assault controlling people exercises in their efforts to convince us that we're worthless and helpless without them. Through a constant barrage of insults we're worn down until we start to believe that what they're saying must be true: that we've lost our mind and that we're not seeing as clearly as we should. After being emotionally assaulted for so long, naturally we begin to second-guess everything we say or do. We believe there is something terribly wrong with our judgment, not realizing the subtle yet effective trap that has been laid out for us.

My friend, this is precisely the exact mind-numbing place these enemies have worked so hard to get us to: the place where we feel we can't make good decisions anymore; the place where we need someone else to steer us in the right direction; the place where we are led about like a bull with a ring in its nose instead of leading our own lives. By the time we realize that we no longer wish to be controlled, the hook of control is so deeply imbedded within our minds that breaking free will not be an easy task. Our efforts to escape will likely result in a terrible altercation between us and them.

This is the place where it gets really dangerous, because they aren't going to give up their control so easily. So the first thing they do is pull out their little bag of carefully constructed lies to quickly bring you back under their control. If by some chance you've seen the light of day, their web of deceit won't work any longer because you've come to understand the hidden agenda behind their control. If their lies fail to reel you back in, the next thing they do is threaten potential harm in an effort to force you into compliance. They will say things like "I'm going to kill myself" to make you feel sorry for them or they may threaten to leave you or threaten physical harm unless you do exactly as they say. All of this erratic behavior is an attempt to disarm and throw you off balance emotionally. That way the chain of control is still attached. If you comply, they proceed forward as if nothing ever happened.

**Freeing Yourself from Control**

No one gets help for a problem they believe doesn't exist. Admitting you are being controlled is the first step to breaking free. I'm not talking about being mean spirited, although, that's the way you are treated, but simply admitting they are in the driver's seat of the relationship. Don't send yourself on a guilt trip because you acknowledged the truth; just agree with the reality of your situation. Remember to be wise enough to recognize such individuals, keeping your distance, and steering clear of their manipulative and controlling ways.

The Holy Spirit is the only one who can help you escape the tangled web of lies that surround your life. The effort to fight back will certainly be worth every amount of trouble you must go through to achieve the confidence you need to move forward. Until you reach that place of emotional safety, every attempt will be made to keep you under their thumb of control, so expect the battle to be intense. The Book of Psalm states _"My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth."_ (Psalm 121:2)

Freedom always comes with a price; it is never free! You may feel beaten and torn emotionally, and sometimes the only source of hope will be your determination to overcome, but rest assured there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

How do I know there's hope? I've been where you are! I'm writing this book to give you courage to keep going; I know you can do it!

The enemy is very familiar with your weaknesses, and will use anyone, including family members, your spouse and even friends to get you to throw in the towel and quit. Sometimes we have to draw a line in the sand to inform them that their abusive behavior is no longer acceptable to us; that we will no longer tolerate their control. Standing up no doubt takes guts!

Initially, you might feel a twinge of guilt in the pit of your stomach that may last for days. The voice of guilt undoubtedly will tell you that you're being too harsh; that your imagination is in overdrive. You can expect to hear accusatory words that are meant to shame you into submitting to their control. To them, this is a mind game they don't plan on losing. Be careful at this point that you don't cave in. This is precisely what they want you to do. They want you to give up without a fight. The enemy can smell freedom and he hates it!

I personally have had to draw a line in the sand so to speak. My emotional freedom was more important to me than letting someone else control me. I can tell you, I was shaking in my boots that day. Standing up for me hasn't been one of my strengths; in fact, I have always been somewhat passive because I never wanted to cause trouble. I believe they were caught by surprise at the change in attitude.

Maybe you are accustomed to letting people walk over you too. I never thrived on the constant upheaval and strife that exists in some families; I actually hated it! I simply wanted peace at all costs which made me agreeable most of the time, even when my heart was telling me "No". However, all of that changed the day I decided to take my life back. No longer was I willing to be controlled, or to have my hopes and dreams dashed any longer. It made little difference to me if it was a family member or someone else. I love my family and I pray for them, hoping for the day when we can be reconciled. Even if that day never comes, I will still be free!

**Putting Up Boundaries**

Setting up boundaries between you and the controlling person means that you are placing limits around yourself for protection. Setting up boundaries is a way of defining your relationship, so let them know you are serious about changing the dynamics. If the person chooses to disrespect those limits, let him know he will reap the consequences of his behavior. Drawing a line in the sand tells him he can only come so far now - he can't cross over that line.

It's clear that your personal space has been violated for so long that he is accustom to having his way, so prepare to be tested in your patience. Like a rebellious child, he will test the waters to see if you mean what you say. Be aware that he will say or do anything to get you to let down your guard, trying to win his way back into your good graces. Don't be fooled! This game is deadly! He might even resort to threatening to harm himself, but often it's just a ploy.

Be strong my friend and know that what you're doing is for your own emotional and mental health and for a brighter future.

**Don't Explain Yourself**

Setting new boundaries means you no longer have to explain yourself. If your tormentors disagree with your decisions, that's their problem, not yours. Keep yourself separate from their opinions and don't accept their input unless you ask for it. Otherwise, kindly tell them to mind their own business. This will likely not go over well with them, and they may get a little crazy acting. If necessary, keep an arm's length distance between you and them until you feel it is safe. Be wise in sharing too much information with them. Sharing too much information might open the door for more control, so don't tell them too much.

Be aware that controlling people are always looking for someone to manipulate. Don't ever hand over the reins of your life to anyone other than yourself. If the controller refuses to acknowledge your independence from them, simply close the door on that relationship. Unfortunately, we have to do this sometimes.

If it's impossible to cut this person from your life completely, try not to interact with him much and choose your words deliberately and carefully when you're around him.

**Forgiveness: The Key to Emotional Health**

I can't go any further without touching on the importance of forgiving those who have hurt us. Forgiveness is truly an exercise of our free will that gives us the choice to extend forgiveness instead of allowing the pain to dictate the course of our lives.

It is so vital to our emotional health that I must share with you that there are joys awaiting when you've finally dealt one last death blow to shame. I know how easy it is to hold onto the past when we have been in the crosshairs of abuse, but until we choose to forgive our abusers, we'll continue going around in circles repeating the same patterns of guilt and shame.

The emotional harm we suffered might have been deliberate or it might have been done out of ignorance. It doesn't matter how or why it happened because shame doesn't distinguish between the two.

Shame's coup de grace has always been to emotionally destroy any hope we might have by constantly reminding us of the awful experiences we went through. We keep living and reliving the past, holding onto bitter unforgiveness, building walls of separation between ourselves and others. We are the one who suffers, not our abuser.

The walls of isolation are designed to keep us imprisoned from the outside world, As long as those walls remain intact, forgiveness will not flood our hearts and we will waste years dealing with the same issues over and over until we decide to let go and tear down our walls. _"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you."_ (Ephesians 4:31-32)

**A Newfound Respect**

With emotional freedom comes a newfound respect. The ones who have controlled your life realize there is a new set of emotional boundaries set into place that weren't there before. With these new boundaries comes an unspoken understanding that you will no longer tolerate anyone's behavior that crosses the line. You're not being mean-spirited, only protecting your dignity and self-worth as a separate individual.

Yes! You are still a part of your family, but you have separated yourself to set in motion a new direction for your life. There will be a sudden self-awareness that you have grown and matured. Instead of feeling like a child getting into trouble with your parents for misbehavior, your newfound confidence demands the respect of other people.

There will be a new you, one who is confident about your choices and with a new freedom to pursue your dreams. It's likely no one will verbally acknowledge the sudden change in attitude, but it will definitely be felt by those closest to you.

# PART 4

### LEARNING TO ACCEPT OURSELVES

_"To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved."_ (Ephesians 1:6)

Learning to accept ourselves is part of healing the shame we feel deep inside. As an adult, it's taken me years to come to terms with shame and its effects. It hasn't been an easy road. My husband will tell you I have made a lot of progress throughout the many years of agonizing over guilt and shame. My struggles have been many, including rejection, abandonment, self-hatred and negative self-image.

I lost my mother at the tender age of 5 years old. My father placed me and two of my siblings in a children's home where I lived until I graduated from high school. The children's home housed around 200 children back in the early 1970's. Naturally, when you have that many children together in one place something is going to happen. There was a girl close to my age, who for reasons unknown hated me. I can still remember the surliness of her words as they spewed from her mouth like a reservoir of waste. Mind you, the words she spoke weren't words of profanity, but vitriolic words meant to destroy my sense of self-worth.

She taunted and ridiculed me, taking aim at my bodily appearance. There was nothing wrong with my physical appearance - no deformities or any such thing, I was physically healthy, excelling in sports, yet she wanted to humiliate me any way that she possibly could. Poking fun at every part of my body seemed a pleasure, as she mocked and compared herself with me.

I never let on how much her words hurt, but I took it all in, believing I was ugly and deformed. Looking back now, I can see there was competitive jealousy at work.

**A Culture of Shame**

Our modern-day culture doesn't encourage self-acceptance. In fact, I believe it does the exact opposite - and for selfish reasons tied up in greed and dishonesty. Unfortunately, lies sell. Television commercials are designed to make us uncomfortable in our own skin in hopes of selling us a product or service we really don't need. If we choose to accept the projection of shame that implies we're hopelessly deficient unless we purchase their product, we'll always look for ways to make ourselves acceptable to someone else's standard of beauty. Learning to accept who we are, whether good or bad, goes a long way to becoming all we can be.

**Be Yourself**

Marching to the beat of our own drum is very unpopular in today's world. Maybe it's political correctness gone amuck that has everyone on the edge. I don't know, but it seems to me, that as a society we're being forced into the same mold as the next person, which doesn't allow for individuality or uniqueness.

We've come to believe there is something terribly wrong with anyone who chooses to walk morally upright or chooses to walk a different way than what our politically correct society has deemed right. We are so afraid of being different that we peruse the latest Vogue magazines so that someone else can tell us what is fashionably acceptable. Sadly, being different is discouraged in exchange for becoming a clone of someone else.

Personally, I've never been one who was remotely interested in being a part of the in-crowd. I simply wanted to be myself regardless of what it cost me. Even as a young person I was straight forward about my beliefs and didn't mind telling anyone so.

My disposition tends to lean towards being openly honest, regardless of what others think of me. This has gotten me into hot water more times than I can count. Even today I have to choose my words carefully because folks are so easily offended by the unique differences that others express.

I want to encourage you to be who you are. Don't allow the opinions of others determine your self-worth; there will always be someone who doesn't like you. Live your life out loud, enjoy every minute and refuse to apologize for being you.

**Process God Uses to Remove Shame**

Getting rid of shame is like trying to uproot a 200-year-old oak tree. It's not going to happen without a bevy of workers utilizing every ounce of physical strength they have with the help of a crane.

Back in 2004 we lived in North Central Florida. The summer of that year brought with it an unusual weather pattern. Within a two-week period, three hurricanes came straight across North Central Florida, leaving fallen trees, homes without roofs and a lot of debris scattered across the landscape.

Close to our home was a park with majestic oak trees that were at least 200 years old or older. The day before the storm blew in, they stood in all their glory, but just one day later they lay broken, their massive roots completely ripped out of the ground from where they had stood the day before. All it took was a huge storm to shift them from their once secure position.

The lesson behind this story is that sometimes it takes a storm to uproot or expose a problem or issue that needs attention. As with most things in life, there will be times of testing or storms that blow into your life with fury. However, it's important to note that testing is for our own personal growth. It's the avenue by which our strengths and weaknesses are revealed, giving us a glimpse into the areas of our lives where we've grown and those areas that continue to need change.

**Taking Responsibility for You**

It's easy to blame our parents, friends or our spouses for the hurt we feel. It seems only natural that someone should pay for the emotional trauma we've lived through, but blaming someone else has never fixed our problems, it only prolongs them.

Blame comes from our inability to look honestly at ourselves. It's easier to point the finger and more difficult to believe we are responsible for the choices we've made, especially choices that are overshadowed by guilt and shame.

The truth is we will never get emotionally or spiritually healthy until we hold ourselves accountable for our actions.

It's a fact you were used and abused, but that in no way eliminates your responsibility to see the reality of the situation you exist in. Only you can take the steps necessary to get the help you need to become all you were meant to be. You are the only one who can take the bull by the horns and with blind determination refuse to let guilt and shame to rule your life. _"Jesus said unto him, if thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth."_ (Mark 9:23)

**Restoring Hope**

Other than serving Jesus Christ and the joy of raising my children, there has been nothing else that has given me greater happiness than learning to live a life with meaningful purpose. I haven't always felt this way, because in my earlier years I was a broken individual without a ray of hope as my dark world caved in around me. The day all of that changed for me was the moment I asked God to heal me emotionally.

I didn't realize what I was asking for. Neither could I possibly know the pain and agony of soul awaiting me nor the unspeakable joy and peace I would eventually come to know and appreciate.

Back in 2012 I published my first book titled Face to Face with God: Healing the Cry Within. In the course of writing that book, God gave me a metaphor of how the process of restoration works for those who are seeking to be made whole and the process it takes to return them back to God's original design.

Here is an excerpt from my book:

[I love watching the show "Overhaulin'". The concept of the show is to take old cars, mostly antiques, and bring them back to their original design. The show uses a group of mechanics called the A-Team who have one week to remake a car. Although this particular vehicle is restored within one week, most people take their time, and some even take years to restore a vehicle to its original state.

The first step in the process is a rendering or a drawing of what the car will look like when it is restored. The next step is to completely disassemble the vehicle from the inside out. Then the real work begins. Each part is sandblasted and primed to prevent rusting, some parts are entirely replaced, then each part is individually sanded, and painted to perfection. The interior is taken apart as well, replacing every piece down to the minor details. When the last shiny coast of wet paint is applied, we have an exact replica of the original design. Overhaulin' is a metaphor for how God can restore us and bring us back to His original design of perfect wholeness.

God wants us to look like the rendering, which is the first step in remaking us. Jesus Christ is the rendering, if you will, of what we should look like when the redemptive work of the cross is accomplished in our lives. Our goal should be to look and behave like Christ. Secondly, God must disassemble our destructive ways of thinking. In order to become like the original, we set aside old ways of thinking and behaving.

Transforming our thoughts will be the result of dying to ourselves, though we may suffer hardships in the process. This is a necessary step God uses to remove or sandblast away harmful habits and attitudes down to the smallest detail. Just one fisheye in the coast of a freshly painted car changes the appearance, causing the flaw to stick out like a sore thumb. Everything else about the paint itself may be perfect, but the one blemish detracts from its perfection. Removing the destructive forces in our lives allows the beauty of God's perfection to shine through, bringing forth an abundance of peace and joy.]

After reading through this book and discovering the source of shame in your life, I hope you are ready to take the next step necessary to secure emotional healing. I pray you are! God has so much more for you to experience in this life than the mundane existence you have come to accept. There is so much more to life than keeping yourself isolated from the possibilities that await you. Won't you allow Jesus Christ to come into your life; allow Him to help you grow and become the person you've always wanted to be?

Remember, all things are possible with God. All you need is simply to believe. Won't you ask Him into your heart today and begin a new journey towards a life free from guilt and shame. He's waiting for you my friend!

Dear Jesus,

I come before you a sinner, recognizing I need your grace and mercy. Please forgive me of my sin and become the Lord and Master of my life. Mold me and shape me into a vessel worthy of your use. Restore my life that I may glorify You and become all You created me to be. In Jesus' name. Amen!

# About the Author

Janice Davis is the author of "Face to Face with God: Healing the Cry Within" co-authored with Deb Copeland and "Early Will I Seek Thee: 6 Weeks of Daily Devotionals." Her ministry is established upon the principles that the Bible is the infallible Word of God and that Jesus Christ is the son of the Living God. She knows all too well the difficulties that come with just living, especially when you struggle to know who you are. She too has struggled to overcome a lack of personal identity and self-worth, being well acquainted with feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness that tend to wash over us on a seemingly regular basis.

However, she also knows that we can become emotionally and spiritually whole if we have a desire to be. God created us to enjoy a life of peace and joy, not a life of misery and despair. Her prayer is that the books she writes will be a source of encouragement to you, the reader, providing spiritual nourishment to help you heal emotionally and spiritually. Not only does she want to encourage you, but she wants to teach you how to cultivate a personal relationship with Jesus Christ through the practice of His Holy Word.

She has spent the past 22 years becoming emotionally and spiritually whole, preparing to offer hope to the lost by helping to lead others to Jesus Christ. Her chief desire is to offer encouragement using her own life experiences about emotional healing and health in hopes that you too may experience God's amazing grace. May your faith grow stronger with each passing day and may you come to know the power of Jesus Christ and the hope of His calling.

# References

Scienceray. Do You Know That the Heart Can Think?  http://scienceray.com/biology/human-biology/do-you-know-that-the-heart-can-think/#ixzz2Nd2nfm6O, Copyright © Scienceray 2013

Caldwell Robert D., M.Div., Healing Shame. www.psychsight.com/ar-shame.html

Warmerdam Gary van, Pathway to Happiness www.pathwaytohappiness.com/writingscorebeliefs.htm. Copyright © Pathway to Happiness.

Bing.com

Wikipedia® is a registered trademark of the Wikimedia Foundation, Inc.

<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation>

wiseGEEK, Clear Answers for Common Questions

www.wisegeek.com/what-is-verbal-harassment.htm.Copyright © 2003-2013

USLegal TM, Emotional Blackmail Law and Legal Definition.

<http://definitions.uslegal.com/e/emotional-blackmail/>. USLegal.com, Copyright © 2001-2013

Wikipedia, _Belief._ <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belief>

Oxford Dictionaries, _Oxford University Press_. 2013 ed.

 http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/conjecture?q=conjecture

Glossary, Medical.) _Identification (Psychology)._  www.medicalglossary.org/defense_mechanisms_identification_psychology_definitions.html. Copyright © 2004.

Voice, The. Biblical and Theological Resources for Growing Christians.

www.crivoice.org/lucifer.html

Dennis Bratcher, Copyright © 2013, CRI / Voice, Institute, All Rights Reserved

Ferrell, Dr. Ana Mendez. Iniquity (Ana Mendez Ferrell, Inc.) 2011

www.voiceofthelight.com

Smedes, Lewis B. Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve

Copyright © 1993 by Lewis B. Smedes, All Rights Reserved. Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.

Lerner, Harriet Ph.D. Fear and Other Uninvited Guests.

Copyright © 2004 by Harriet Lerner Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.

The Dangers of Dominance. © 2011 Marriage Today. All rights reserved. www.marriagetoday.com/the-dangers-of-dominance/

Intimidation. <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intimidation>

Wikipedia® is a registered trademark of the Wikimedia Foundation, Inc., a non-profit organization

Obesity in the United States. <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obesity_in_the_United_States>

Wikipedia® is a registered trademark of the Wikimedia Foundation, Inc., a non-profit organization

Anorexia Nervosa. <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anorexia_nervosa>

Wikipedia® is a registered trademark of the Wikimedia Foundation, Inc., a non-profit organization

Wikipedia® is a registered trademark of the Wikimedia Foundation, Inc.

<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Control_freak>

Robin Skynner/John Cleese, Families and How to Survive Them (London 1994) p. 208

