LOTS TO TALK ABOUT IN THE NEWS
SO LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
DURING AN INTERVIEW YESTERDAY,
BOB WOODWARD, THE VETERAN
JOURNALIST AND AUTHOR OF A NEW
BOOK DETAILING THE CHAOS AND
INSANITY INSIDE THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION, CONCLUDED BY
SAYING THAT PEOPLE NEED TO "WAKE
UP" TO WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE
WHITE HOUSE.
"WAKE UP?"
WE'RE AWAKE, BOB!
WE'RE AWAKE!
I HAVEN'T HAD A FULL NIGHT'S
SLEEP IN TWO YEARS!
TRUMP RESPONDED THIS MORNING
WITH A TWEET, SEEMINGLY LASHING
OUT AT WOODWARD.
HE WROTE, "THE ECONOMY IS SOOOO
GOOD, PERHAPS THE BEST IN OUR
COUNTRY'S HISTORY (REMEMBER,
IT'S THE ECONOMY STUPID!), THAT
THE DEMOCRATS ARE FLAILING AND
LYING LIKE CRAZY!
PHONY BOOKS, ARTICLES AND T.V.
"HITS" LIKE NO OTHER POLITICIAN
HAS HAD TO ENDURE-- AND THEY ARE
LOSING BIG.
VERY DISHONEST PEOPLE!"
WHAT'S FUN ABOUT THAT TWEET IS
YOU CAN ACTUALLY FEEL HIS BLOOD
PRESSURE RISE AS IT GOES ON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
"SOOOO GOOD."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"SOOOO GOOD."
THE ONLY THING THIS TWEET IS
MISSING AT THE BEGINNING IS "OH
MY GOD YOU GUYS."
"THE ECONOMY IS SO GOOD RIGHT
NOW..."
IN HIS TWEET, PRESIDENT TRUMP
WANTS YOU TO KNOW THE ECONOMY IS
STRONG RIGHT NOW.
SO HE BACKS UP HIS CLAIM WITH
ALL KINDS OF FACTS AND FIGURES--
I'M KIDDING.
THIS IS A MAN WHO USES FOUR O'S
IN "SOOOO GOOD."
[ LAUGHTER ]
MEANWHILE, FORMER PRESIDENT
BARACK OBAMA IS BACK ON THE
CAMPAIGN TRAIL TRYING TO RALLY
DEMOCRATS FOR THE MIDTERM
ELECTION, AND ON SATURDAY, WHILE
AT A STOP IN ANAHEIM, OBAMA
REMINISCED ABOUT THE TIME HE WAS
KICKED OUT OF DISNEYLAND FOR
SMOKING A CIGARETTE.
GOD, DON'T YOU MISS WHEN THE
PRESIDENT'S BIGGEST SCANDAL WAS
LIKE, "I WAS ASKED TO LEAVE
DISNEYLAND ONCE."
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S PRETTY BADASS, THOUGH.
OBAMA WAS LIKE, "GO AHEAD AND
KICK ME OUT OF DISNEYLAND.
I'LL JUST COME BACK AS AN
ANIMATRONIC FIGURE IN THE
HALL OF PRESIDENTS-- AND STAY
THERE FOREVER."
DISNEY'S C.E.O. RESPONDED TO
OBAMA IN A TWEET, SAYING SMOKING
ASIDE, OBAMA WAS WELCOME BACK AT
THE PARK ANYTIME.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, PRESIDENT
TRUMP RETALIATED BY LAUNCHING
A DRONE STRIKE ON SPLASH
MOUNTAIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT MIGHT
BE TRUE, UM, AND WE HAD TO TELL
YOU ABOUT THIS: RECENTLY,
PASSENGERS ON
A UNITED AIRLINES FLIGHT FROM
SCOTLAND TO NEW JERSEY GOT A BIT
OF A SHOCK WHEN THE PILOT CAME
OUT OF THE COCKPIT, CHANGED OUT
OF HIS UNIFORM AND FELL ASLEEP
IN A FIRST-CLASS SEAT.
THE ONLY WAY THIS COULD HAVE
BEEN MORE CONCERNING FOR THE
PASSENGERS IS IF THE PILOT ALSO
HAD AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT DOG.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IMAGINE IF YOU WERE ASLEEP WHEN
THE PILOT DID THAT.
THEN A COUPLE HOURS LATER YOU
WAKE UP AND SEE A SHIRTLESS GUY
JUST WALK INTO THE COCKPIT AND
START FLYING THE PLANE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED-- THE
PLANE WAS UNDER THE CONTROL OF
THREE CREWMEMBERS, AND EACH WAS
REQUIRED TO TAKE A REST BREAK
DURING THE LONG FLIGHT.
IN FACT, WE DO THE SAME THING
HERE AT THIS SHOW.
REGGIE'S ASLEEP RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
IN OTHER NEWS, OVER THE WEEKEND,
PHILADELPHIA HOSTED ITS ANNUAL
PHILLY NAKED BIKE RIDE, WHERE
HUNDREDS OF CYCLISTS RIDE
THROUGH THE CITY COMPLETELY
NUDE.
THE CITY PROMOTES THIS AS A FUN
EVENT.
HERE'S MY QUESTION ABOUT THIS:
FUN FOR WHOM?
YOU KNOW WHO I FEEL BAD FOR?
ANYONE ON THE BACK OF ONE OF
THOSE TANDEM BIKES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AS YOU KNOW, THE DECLARATION OF
INDEPENDENCE WAS SIGNED IN
PHILADELPHIA.
NO OFFENSE TO THE FOUNDING
FATHERS, BUT THIS WEEKEND'S
NAKED BIKE RIDE MAKES IT PRETTY
SELF-EVIDENT THAT ALL MEN ARE,
IN FACT, NOT CREATED EQUAL.
THEY'RE NOT!
[ APPLAUSE ]
AND FINALLY, THIS STORY WAS
CRAZY.
A COUPLE IN FLORIDA WAS JUST
ARRESTED FOR SELLING DRUGS OUT
OF THEIR MOBILE HOME AFTER
POLICE NOTICED THAT THEY HAD
CONSTRUCTED-- AND WE'RE NOT
MAKING THIS UP-- A DRIVE-THRU
WINDOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE ONLY WAY THIS STORY COULD BE
MORE FLORIDA IS IF THE
DRIVE-THRU WERE RUN BY AN
ALLIGATOR AND HIS STRIPPER
GIRLFRIEND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
I THINK THEY COULD HAVE BEEN A
LITTLE MORE DISCREET.
POLICE GOT SUSPICIOUS WHEN THEY
NOTICED THIS SIGN OUTSIDE THE
MOBILE HOME:
[ LAUGHTER ]
