So- I'm not gonna, like, actually go through all of this.
BUT
I think, for fun, let's see how fast I can read it.
The problem is that when the subject of troll romance is broached,
our sparing human intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable.
But we will do our best to understand regardless.
[DEEP BREATH]
Humans have one- only one form of romance.
And though we consider it a complicated subject,
spanning a wide range of emotions, social conventions, and implications for reproduction,
it is ultimately a superficial slice of what trolls consider the full body of romantic experience.
Our concept of romance, in spite of its capacity to- to fill our art and literature and to rule our individual destinies like little else, is still just that.
A singular, linear concept. A concept usually denoted by a single symbol. A heart.
Troll romance is more complicated than that. Troll romance needs four symbols.
Their understanding of romance is divided into halves, halved again, producing four quadrants:
the FLUSHED QUADRANT, the CALIGINOUS QUADRANT, the PALE QUADRANT, and the ASHEN QUADRANT.
[DEEP BREATH]
Each quadrant is grouped by the half they share, whether horizontally or vertically,
depending on the overlapping properties one examines.
The sharpest dichotomies, from an emotional perspective, is drawn between RED ROMANCE and BLACK ROMANCE.
RED ROMANCE, comprised of flushed p- and pale quadrants, is a form of romance rooted in strongly positive emotions.
BLACK ROMANCE, and its caliginous and ashen quadrants, is rooted in the strongly negative.
On the other hand, the vertical bifurcation has to do with the purpose of the relationship,
regardless of the emotions behind it.
Those quadrants ar- which are CONCUPISCENT, the flushed and caliginous,
have to do with facilitating the elaborate reproductive cycle of trolls.
Those which are CONCILIATORY, the pale and ashen,
would be more closely likened to platonic relationships by human standards.
There are many parallels between human relationships and the various facets of troll romance.
Hu- humans have words to describe relationships of a negative nature, or of a platonic nature.
The difference is, for humans, those relationships would never be conceptually grouped with romance.
Establishing the so- those sort of relationships for humans is not driven by the same primal forces that drive our tendency to couple romantically.
But for trolls, those primal forces have i- forces involve themselves in the full palette of these relationships,
red or black, torrid or friendly.
Trolls typically feel strongly compelled to find balance in each quadrant,
and seek gratifying relationships that each describes.
The challenge is particularly tortuous for young trolls,
who must reconcile the wide j- with the wide range of contradictory emotions associated with this matrix,
while understanding the nature of their various romantic urges for the first time.
Of course, young humans have this challenge too. But tro- but for trolls, the challenge is fourfold.
[DEEP BREATH]
The- when two individuals find themselves in the flushed quadrant together, they are said to be MATESPRITS.
Matespritsh- matespritship is the closest parallel to h- the human concept of romance trolls have.
It plays a role in the trolls' reproductive cycle, just as it does for humans.
This is pretty obvious! Not much more needs to be said about this. Moving right along.
When a pair of th- adversaries delve into this quadrant, they become each other's KISMESIS.
A- and- as one of the concupiscent quadrants, it plays a role in procreation as well.
There is no particularly human translation for this concept.
The closest would be an especially potent arch-rivalry.
For instance, human player- human players would never be able to adequately diagnose the relationship between the queen and her archagent.
But troll players could immediately place it as a dead ringer for kismesissitude.
They- this- th- they would think they were all pre- that we're all pretty stupid for not getting it. And they would be right.
Trolls have complet- a complicated reproductive cycle.
It is probably best not to examine it in much detail.
The need to seek out concupiscent partners comes with more urgency than typical reproductive instincts.
When the IMPERIAL- when the IMPERIAL DRONE comes knocking,
you had better be able to supply genetic material to each of his FILIAL PAILS.
If you have nothing to offer, he will kill you without hesitation.
The genetic material - WITHOUT GOING INTO MUCH DETAIL -
is a combin- inative genetic mix from the matesprit and kismesis pairs, respectively.
The pails are all offered to the mother grub, who can only receive such precombined material.
She then combines all of it into one incestuous slurry, and begins her brooding.
This doesn't mean the init- the initial combination was for naught, however.
In the slurry- [briefly silently choking on my own spit]
[very obvious voice crack] more dominant genes rise to the fore,
while the more recessive find less rep- less representation in the brood.
Especially strong matesprit and kismesis pairings yield more dominant genetic material.
The more powerful the complement, or potent the rivalry, the more dominant the genes.
TROLL REDUC- TROLL REPRODUCTION SURE IS WEIRD.
We all take a moment to lament how pedestrian the human reproductive system is,
and further lament that the phrase "incestuous slurry" is not a feature of common parlance in human civilization.
This q- this quadrant involves a particular type of three-way relationship of a black romantic nature.
Falling on the conciliatory side, it has no bearing on the reproductive cycle, except for indirect ramifications.
When two trolls are locked in a feud or some otherwise contentious relationship,
one can intervene [small laugh] an- and become their AUSPISTICE.
The auspistice mediates between the two, playing the role of a peace keeper,
preventing the feud from boiling over into a fully caliginous rivalry.
Since le- since such lesser feuds are quite common among trolls, there is a significant need for an auspisticing party.
Without them, too many ashen feuds would become caliginous,
an- and begin to conflict with other exclusive kismesis relationships, leading to a great deal of soc- social complexity and sore feelings
(even more so than black romance usually involves).
Without auspisticism, the result would be widespread black infidelity.
The relationships each quadrant describes tend to be malleable, if not volatile,
especially on the concupiscent half where more torrid emotions- emotions reside.
It doesn't take much to flip a switch and transmute blackrom feelings to redrom, and vice versa.
[DEEP BREATH]
In many cases, one par- party will have red feelings while the other has black.
But it will often be the case that one party's feelings will swap to match the other's,
since there is no quadrant which naturally accommodates such a disparity.
But thereafter, it's not uncommon for the two to toggle between red and black in unison now and then.
These scenarios would naturally result in both red and black infidelities.
This sort of relationship volatility is why conciliatory relationships are an important part of troll romance.
An auspistice can stabilize particularly turbulent relationships.
If the auspistice fails to mediate properly, or has no interest in the role,
or perhaps has different romantic intentions themself altogether,
then the relationship- uum... then the relationship often quickly deteriorates into one of an especially hostile and torrid nature.
There are many outside factors and influences tugging and pulling these relationships in different directions,
and unlike humans who have very orderly, simple, straightforward romantic relationships without exception,
trolls exist in a state of almost perpetual confusion and generally have no idea what the hell is going on.
Being confused by troll relationships is one thing we do have in common though.
This quadrant presides over MOIRALLEGIENCE, the other conciliatory relationship.
The a- a re- [deep breath] a reasonable human translation would be the concept of a soul mate,
but in a more platonic sense, and with a more specific social purpose.
Trolls are angry and violent race.
They a- some are hot-tempered and dangerous than others, to the extent that if left to their own devices,
they would present a series of threats- a serious threat to society, or even to themselves.
Some trolls will have an instinctive pale- pale attraction to a more even-tempered troll, who may become their MOIRAIL.
The moirail is ob- obl- is obliged to pacify the other, to function as the better half.
The partners in strong- the partners in a strong pale relationship will serve to balance and complement each other's emotional profiles,
and thus allow their other relationships to be more successful.
It is often ambiguous especially among young trolls whether a bond is formed between acquaintances is true moira- true moirallegence,
or the usual variety of platonic- platonic involvement.
Furthermore, romantic intentions of a flushed nature can often be mistaken for paler leanings,
much to the frustration of the suitor.
But some pale- pale leanings, as the one above, will be strikingly obvious to all who know them.
God you just can't get enough of this can you!
That- that would- that would have been a great point for a transition out of this illustrated sociological study, but ok, if you insist.
Now see, what's going on here is, it's perfectly simple.
When the full matrix of troll romance is in action, we have-
[DEEP BREATH]
Hey, why don't you figure it out! You should be an expert on all this by now anyway.
Later our troll hero would try to explain this to our human hero,
attempting to convey all the nuance of troll romance through nearly verbatim recitation of the preceding excerpts.
He would try to describe how rich and textured the troll romantic comedies were
compared to the one dimensional schlock of our human cinematic counterparts.
He would barely scratch the surface of Troll Will Smith's virtuosity with the delicate lattice of troll romance,
as he would assist the bumbling fudgeblooded Troll- Troll- Troll Kevin James
through the interwoven minefield-briarpatch of redrom and blackrom entanglements,
all the while sti- sifting through his own prickly romantic situation and ultimately learning the true meaning of hate and pity.
[DEEP BREATH]
But would they succeed before the imperial drone came knocking with his thirsty pails at the ready??? Yes, they would.
But John didn't understand any of this because he's a moron, and he wouldn't shut up about his awful bullshit Earth movies.
He would just go on and on and on about that garbage.
But if there was one theme to be hammered through his thick skull, it would be the trolls' cultural pre- preoccupation with romantic- romantic destiny.
Yes, the romantic landscape is rife with false starts and miscues and infidelities, red and black.
But every troll believes strongly that each quadrant holds one and only one true pairing for them,
and it is just a matter of time before the grid is filled with the auspicious matchups through the mysterious channels of TROLL SERENDIPITY.
[DEEP BREATH]
In short, their belief is that for each quadrant there exists a pair or triad of trolls somewhere in the cosmos that were MADE FOR EACH OTHER.
WOW.
Seven minutes, and eleven seconds. [laughs]
Shit, I hit clear instead of stop.
I didn't think it would take, like, *seven minutes long,* but it took seven fucking minutes. [laughs]
