-Hi, everybody.
Welcome to another
"Tonight Show: At Home Edition."
I appreciate you watching
and staying at home
and doing what we are told.
I know it's hard right now,
but it is gonna work out,
so thank you for doing that.
We're doing our part, too,
staying at home
and washing our hands and not
touching our face, et cetera.
And it's just -- Today is just
a Tuesday, I believe,
and it's just another day.
It's another week.
Every day is another week.
So, here we go.
Let's make it easier.
Let's start off
with a few jokes.
It's time for the monologue.
♪♪
Welcome to "The Tonight Show:
At Home Edition."
Guys, there are reports that
Kim Jong-un
is in serious condition
after having surgery.
Wow. That's crazy.
He always looked
so healthy to me.
That's right -- there were
reports that Kim Jong-un
is in serious condition
after having surgery.
Who knew that the guy with the
body shaped like the one
from "Operation"
would have health issues?
He's got water on the knee.
Bucket of water on the knee.
If anything happens to
Kim Jong-un,
his sister will take over.
You know Kim's sisters --
Kourtney and Khloé Jong-un.
Earlier today at
The White House,
President Trump met with
New York governor Andrew Cuomo.
It was strange,
because, normally,
when two guys from Queens
meet up,
it's under a bridge in
the middle of the night.
The FDA just authorized
the first coronavirus test
that allows patients to collect
their samples at home.
That's right -- now people can
mail their sample in
and then, two weeks later, get
a call from the lab that says,
"Sir, that cup was for saliva."
Down in Georgia,
a governor is going against
medical experts
and reopening some
non-essential businesses,
including bowling alleys.
Look, even when
there's not a pandemic,
I wouldn't be sticking
my fingers
into a communal ball hole.
Southern states
like Tennessee and Georgia
are ignoring expert advise
and reopening
non-essential businesses.
That's cool, because the last
time the Southern states
broke off
and did their own thing,
it worked out pretty well,
right?
Georgia wants to reopen movie
theaters next week.
It's perfect if you want to
catch the latest releases
from February
and also the coronavirus.
The World Series of Poker
has been postponed
because of the coronavirus.
Yep. Of course all the players
were incredibly upset,
but it was impossible to tell.
I read that seashells in
North Carolina beaches
have been piling up
because no one is there
to collect them,
the seashells, yeah.
So now you know where to go when
you need another beach-themed
"Live, laugh, love"
sign for your bathroom.
A woman in Iowa made
hundreds of face masks
and hung them on
a tree outside her house
for people to share and take.
That's really nice,
but while she was hanging them,
you know the neighbors were
definitely like,
"Susan's gone insane."
And, finally, a lot of people
say that the lockdowns
have created a lot of tension
between them
and their roommates.
A definite sign of that --
when you start referring
to your wife and kids
as roommates.
Guys, that is
our monologue right there.
We have a great show tonight.
Halle Berry is
on the show tonight.
We love Halle Berry.
We'll be talking to her
and all the things
she's doing right now
during this quarantine.
Also, Russell Westbrook and I
talk about
Michael Jordan documentaries.
We'll be talking about playoff.
Is he ready for the playoffs if
NBA happens to come back?
We don't know.
And we have great music
from Meghan Trainor
to close out the show.
I appreciate that.
Thanks, everyone, for coming on.
It's Tuesday, and we thought
it would be fun to do
#AskTheFallons.
This is where we ask you guys
to ask us questions,
and we'll answer anything,
whether it be me, my kids,
or my wife, who is also my
camera operator,
who does not like
to be on-camera,
but it doesn't matter.
We're in a pandemic.
We have to do things...
-That's right.
-...that we don't want to do.
So, here it is.
It's time for another
installment of
"Ask, Ask, Ask,
the, the, the,
Fallons, Fallons, Fallons,
Fallons."
♪♪
Hi, guys.
-Hi.
-Welcome to this edition of
"Ask the Fallons."
We are doing it from inside
the bus, the VW bus,
because it is
a crazy storm outside.
And we are safe
and cozy in here.
-It might be hailing.
-And to be honest, the lighting
is just as good in here
than it is outside.
Alright, we got a lot of
questions from you guys.
-Alright.
-Thank you so much.
I am going to kind of talk
a little bit louder
because it's just
really coming down.
-It just --
It might be hailing right now.
-Alright, here we go.
I think it is, actually, yeah.
Alright, honey,
what were you like
when you were the girls's age?
So 5 and 6.
-Okay, so, when I was 5 or 6 --
kindergarten --
my best friend's name was Huey.
And I loved to play and draw
and make-believe.
I was really nice.
I was very shy and I liked to be
kind of left alone.
I had a younger brother who was
only about a year younger,
so, yes, he would sort of,
you know, wait until
I perfectly set up my entire
Barbie townhouse.
-Was it Barbie
that you were into?
-Oh, I was into Barbie.
I was into...
-Skipper?
-Yeah, Skipper.
And you could turn her arms,
and she would get bigger.
She would turn into a pre-teen.
Oh, yeah.
And, yeah, Jim would come in
and sort of mess it up,
and then I would go back
and fix it up again.
And I was a peaceful child.
-You were. Very creative.
-Very creative.
I loved anything drawing,
painting, making a store.
I made a lot of stores.
-Yeah.
-That's still my dream
for one day, having a store.
-For me, I think 5 years old,
5 and 6, was the first grade.
I was very religious.
I was very --
I wanted to be a priest.
I was an altar boy.
Just got my first communion,
and I was really into it.
So I was very kind of religious
at the time when I was 5 and 6.
I mean, I didn't have Barbies,
so I don't know.
My sister had Barbies.
We might have
Donny and Marie dolls.
-Oh!
-So maybe I was into that.
-We had the
Six Million Dollar Man.
I remember I loved him.
-No, I didn't have that.
I remember I was jealous of
a lot of my friends.
We'd go even to just
their garage sales
and be like, "You have the
Evel Knievel bike
that you pull the thing?"
-For a quarter?
-Yes! Like, "I want that."
We never had
any of those things.
But I think that I
was probably more like --
I think I was more like Winnie
than I was Franny.
-You do?
-Yeah, I think I was more quiet
and just, like,
just did my own thing, yeah.
My sister was -- Yeah,
she was more of the, like --
-I'm surprised.
-Everyone was really like,
"Oh, Gloria's --"
-Oh, yeah, Gloria
was kind of a --
-She was very cute
and very smart.
-Yes.
-And people saw that and they
were like, "Ooh, the boys.
You're gonna have --"
-Good luck with the boy.
-"You're gonna have
a little trouble with the boy."
-But the daughter's really cute.
-Yeah, she's cute and so smart.
But he's got something, I guess.
He's got something
to work towards.
Hey, this one's good.
It said, "I just started my
first serious relationship.
Do you have any dating advice?"
-Oh!
-Yeah, would you
like to go ahead?
Mine -- I would not.
I would not give you any advice.
-What would be
your advice, actually?
-I'm so bad.
What's my dating advice?
Phew! Maybe realize that when
you're first starting to date,
that this might not be
the one, the one.
Most likely, it's not the one.
-It could be the one.
-It could be the one.
I would say you're in the
5 percentile
of that being "the one."
-I don't even know where to
start with my advice.
Alright, I'll try to
limit it down...
-Mm-hmm.
-...to a big one, which is
trust their actions,
not their words.
So, you may hear
the most beautiful things,
you may hear promises,
you might hear everything
you want to hear, but if that
person you're dating
is not following
up with their actions,
then they're just words.
So trust yourself on that.
Stop saying, "But, but, but..."
"But he said he liked me."
If he doesn't show you
he liked you, you know,
it might be a different thing.
The other thing is
to know what you want.
It's so important to know
what you want,
because I think that a lot of us
just scream forward
waiting for the first person
to pull out
or pull up or, you know,
move ahead.
And just know what you want.
Some people might just
want to date,
and you don't have to
rush to the altar.
You don't have to
rush to anything.
You can just enjoy each other.
-Did you know
what you wanted with me?
[ Both laugh ]
-Yes.
The craziest thing about you
was that...
-You wanted to run to the altar.
-...for the first time
in my life,
someone told me to make that
list of what I want.
And I had just assumed that
I knew what I wanted,
but I never actually
dated anyone
who had anything on the
list of what I wanted
once I wrote it down.
So as soon as I did that --
and I'm not kidding --
I went on to "Fever Pitch"
and ta-da.
-Wow. So maybe write it down.
-Yeah.
It's just a way of understanding
what you're after better.
-You wanted
brown hair, good looks.
-It was an entirely
physical list.
-Physique.
-No, it was not.
It had nothing to do with that.
My 20-something self
would have made that list,
but my older list was different.
-But how different was it?
-It was just more about, like,
someone who loves family,
because some
people -- And I've dated people
who don't actually want
to be around family,
and I love my family.
And, you know,
that was a big one.
Someone who just had the same
sort of sense of fun that I did.
-Yeah, and?
-Someone who is really
muscly and great-looking!
And the most handsome prince
in the world, my husband.
-Gosh, I spend about 90%
of my day in the gym,
and when I come out, you know
I got to have my protein shake.
-Yeah, actually,
on the list is someone
who isn't that into all of that,
because that is like a widow
waiting to happen, a gym widow.
-I mean, I just -- When I get in
there, I get pumped, man.
I want to come out.
You know what I want?
That protein shake and then
another round in the gym.
-That was your list?
-That's all I wanted.
-So you must be
gravely disappointed.
-I think everyone knows,
at home, how lucky I am.
[ Both laugh ]
Alright, let's continue
with the show, everybody.
-Okay.
-That was "Ask the Fallons."
-Stay dry.
-Thank you so much
for those questions.
And thank you, VW, for inventing
that bus in the '70s.
That thing is awesome,
and it kept us --
It kept that bit going during
this rainy, haily, cold storm
that was happening outside.
What's up, bud?
-Hi.
-What do you want to tell me?
-You know what?
-What?
-And do you know what?
-What? You always whisper.
-[ Whispering ]
-Yeah, what?
You are trying to be
"Bomb Boyeye."
It's Bomb Voyage,
in "The Incredibles."
She calls him Bomb Voyeye.
So, anyways, thank you
for sending in those
"Ask the Fallons" questions.
And I appreciate them getting
a little bit deeper and --
Wow, you guys are really asking
these hard-hitting questions.
But, anyways, I appreciate it.
