WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HUH-OH, HUH-OH.
( PIANO RIFF )
AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED, NONE OF
YOU ARE HERE RIGHT NOW.
ONLY PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE --
GIVE A SHOT OF THIS -- ONLY
PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE ARE SOME
MEMBERS OF MY STAFF.
HI, GUYS.
( CHEERING )
I'M GOING TO SIT DOWN OVER HERE.
OKAY.
( PIANO RIFF )
HOW ARE YOU, JON?
>> Jon: I'M GOOD.
>> Stephen: GOOD.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
>> Jon: HOW ARE YOU?
>> Stephen: I'M VERY EXCITED
TO BE DOING A SHOW TONIGHT.
>> Jon: I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW
HOW I AM.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> Jon: WELL, YOU KNOW, THE
VIRUS, I DON'T HAVE SYMPTOMS.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
>> Jon: WHICH IS THE REASON WE
DON'T HAVE AN AUDIENCE.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE WE DON'T
KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
TWO THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND, YOU
DON'T WANT TO BE PART OF THE
HYSTERIA.
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU ALSO WANT
TO ACT WITH AN ABUNDANCE OF
CAUTION.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WE DON'T KNOW ON
THIS SIDE OF IT.
WE KIND OF KNOW HOW MUCH
HYSTERIA WE COULD PRODUCE IF WE
WANTED TO.
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WE DON'T KNOW IF
THIS IS A FEATHER OR A BRICK.
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AROUND THE WORLD,
THIS SEEMS TO BE A BRICK, SO WE
WENT WITH BRICK.
THERE YOU GO.
( PIANO RIFF )
HOW'S THE SHOW GOING SO FAR?
>> Jon: IT'S MOVING.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: LET ME EXPLAIN
WHAT'S GOING ON.
ALL THE NEW YORK CITY LATE NIGHT
SHOWS ARE PLANNING TO GO WITHOUT
AUDIENCES STARTING MONDAY.
WE ANNOUNCED THAT LAST NIGHT,
ACTUALLY.
THAT CHANGED BECAUSE, JUST A FEW
HOURS AGO, WE GOT SOME
SURPRISING NEWS, WE WOULD BE
GOING WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE
STARTING TONIGHT.
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
WE'RE JUST KIND OF WINGING IT.
THIS IS REHEARSAL RIGHT NOW,
WHICH MIGHT BE A GOOD THING,
BECAUSE, IN MY MIND, ALL OF MY
JOKES ARE PERFECT.
THE ONLY PERSON THAT EVER
DISAGREES WITH ME IS THE
AUDIENCE.
CAN'T DISAGREE WITH ME NOW, CAN
YOU?
( LAUGHTER )
HA!
LOOK, I JUST GOT A LAUGH!
( LAUGHTER )
I'VE DONE A SHOW WITHOUT AN
AUDIENCE BEFORE, BACK BEFORE
"THE LATE SHOW" STARTED, WE DID
A SECRET SHOW IN A SMALL
MICHIGAN TOWN CALLED MONROE,
MICHIGAN.
THERE WAS SO MUCH SCRUTINY ON
OUR FIRST SHOW THAT WE DECIDED
TO GET OUT OF UP TO AND GET THE
SHOW OUT OF THE WAY BY TAKING
OVER A PUBLIC ACCESS PROGRAM
CALLED "ONLY ON MONROE."
I'M SURE YOU SAW IT.
IT WAS SORT OF GORILLA
MARKETING.
I TONIGHT SAY VIRAL MARKETING
BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER BE USING
THAT PHRASE AGAIN.
>> Jon: YEAH.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: HERE'S
SOMETHING -- THE MOST BREAKING
NEWS FOR ME IS WHEN I LEARNED
THAT, BECAUSE TO HAVE THE
CORONAVIRUS, ALL OF BROADWAY WAS
SHUTTING DOWN TONIGHT.
THAT'S ANOTHER REASON WE DON'T
HAVE AN AUDIENCE.
IT'S A LITTLE SAD BECAUSE THE
BROADWAY SHOWS HAD ALREADY BEEN
WORKING ON NEW PRECAUTIONS TO
KEEP THE AUDIENCE SAFE.
HERE'S FOOTAGE FROM LAST NIGHT'S
REHEARSAL OF "WESTSIDE STORY."
♪
♪
>> OH!
I NEED SOME PURELLE!
( LAUGHTER )
>> OH, MAN...
>> Stephen: RIGHT NOW, I'M
IMAGINING YOUR LAUGHTER.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: LAST NIGHT, WE
LEARNED THAT THE N.B.A. HAS
SUSPENDED ITS SEASON UNTIL
FURTHER NOTICE, SO
CONGRATULATIONS TO THE NEW YORK
KNICKS, IT'S THE BEST THING TO
HAPPEN TO THEM ALL YEAR!
( PIANO RIFF )
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: GET A SIP IN!
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I
WATCHED TODAY?
>> Jon: WHAT'S THAT?
>> Stephen: I WATCHED STEVE
ALLEN, YOU KNOW, THE GUY WHO
STARTED ALL THIS, STEVE ALLEN
STARTED THE ORIGINAL "TONIGHT
SHOW" AT THE HUDSON THEATER DOWN
THE STREET.
AFTER THAT, THERE WAS THE STEVE
ALLEN SHOW.
HE WAS PLAYING PIANO WHILE JACK
KAROAK READ "SELECTIONS FROM ON
THE ROAD."
THAT'S WHAT THESE SHOWS USED TO
BE.
>> Jon: WOW...
> Stephen: AND CAN BE AGAIN,
THANKS TO CORONAVIRUS.
( APPLAUSE )
IF ALL THAT NEWS WASN'T
UNSETTLING ENOUGH, LAST NIGHT WE
ALSO LEARNED TOM HANKS HAS THE
CORONAVIRUS.
HEY!
CORONAVIRUS!
OKAY, YEAH!
YOU CAN SHUT DOWN ITALY, YOU CAN
SHUT DOWN SOUTH KOREA, YOU CAN
DESTROY OUR ECONOMY, BUT KEEP
YOUR FILTHY NUCLEOCAPSID
PROTEINS OFF TOM HANKS!
THE MAN IS AN AMERICAN TREASURE!
THIS IS LIKE LEARNING THE
LIBERTY BELL HAS HERPES!
( LAUGHTER )
IT ENDS NOW!
IT ENDS NOW!
( LAUGHTER )
I'M BEING TOLD IT IS NOT ENDING
NOW.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO KEEP DOING
THE SHOW WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE.
( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, NOW, MOVING ON.
>> Jon: FOR REST, COME ON,
FORREST.
>> Stephen: I THINK THIS IS
GOING PRETTY WELL.
DO YOU GUYS THINK IT'S GOING
PRETTY WELL?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YEAH, I THINK SO!
>> Stephen: NOW, I WANT YOU TO
FORGET --
( CHEERING )
THAT'S ENOUGH.
( PIANO RIFF )
I WANT YOU TO FORGET THE FACT
THAT I PAY ALL THOSE PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, EVEN THOUGH TOM HANKS AND
WIFE RITA WILSON BOTH TESTED
POSITIVE, THEY SAY THEY HAVE
MILD SYMPTOMS AND ARE DOING
FINE.
HANKS POSTED, WITH POISE, I
MIGHT ADD, AS HARVETION ALWAYS
DOSE, ABOUT HOW THEY'RE HANDLING
THE PROBLEM.
WELL, NOW, WHAT TO DO NEXT, WE
HANKS WILL BE TESTED AND
ISOLATED AS LONG AS PUBLIC
SAFETY REQUIRES.
NOT MUCH MORE TO IT THAN A ONE
DAY AT A TIME APPROACH.
NO?
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.
HANX.
POSITIVE MESSAGE BUT A BUMMER OF
A SEQUEL TO "CATCH ME IF YOU
CAN."
>> Jon: WOW.
WOW.
>> Stephen: I'M GUESS WEG PUT
A GRAPHIC UP THERE THAT WOULD
SAY "CATCH ME IF YOU CAN," AT
SOME POINT.
IN A REAL SHOW, WE WOULD DO
THAT.
>> THIS IS REHEARSAL.
>> Stephen: THIS IS REHEARSAL.
BUT I'M THINKING THIS IS WHAT WE
ACTUALLY SHOW PEOPLE.
>> SURE.
>> Jon: HUH-OH.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE GOING TO
BE REALLY SURPRISED WHEN I WALK
OUT OF THE BUILDING IN HALF AN
HOUR.
( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF )
>> OH, SURE, STEPHEN, WE'LL TAPE
THE REHEARSAL.
SEE YA SUCKERS!
>> Jon: WASH THAT HAND!
WASH THAT HAND!
HOLD ON.
>> Stephen: WHAT AM I
THINKING.
>> Jon: GOT TO BE READY AND
STAY VIGILANT.
>> Stephen: LAST NIGHT DONALD
TRUMP PREEMPTED ALL PROGRAMMING
TO ADDRESS A WORRIED NATION AND
REMIND THEM HE'S THE THING THEY
SHOULD REALLY WORRY ABOUT.
>> WE WILL BE SUSPENDING ALL
TRAVEL FROM EUROPE TO THE UNITED
STATES FOR THE NEXT 30 DAYS.
THESE PROHIBITIONS WILL NOT ONLY
APPLY TO THE TREMENDOUS AMOUNT
OF TRADE AND CARGO, BUT VARIOUS
OTHER THINGS, AS WE GET
APPROVAL.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE BAN DOESN'T
SEEM TO MAKE MUCH SENSE AS ONE
FORMER DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND
SECURITY OFFICIAL PUT IT, THE
VIRUS IS HERE IN THE U.S., THE
FOCUS NEEDS TO BE ON TAKING
ACTION HERE, TREATING PEOPLE AND
TESTING PEOPLE.
THIS SEEMS TO BE POINTLESS.
THE VIRUS IS ALREADY HERE.
IT'S LIKE IN A HORROR MOVIE,
SOMEBODY HEARING THE KILLER IS
ALREADY INSIDE THE HOUSE AND
RESPONDING WITH, OH, NO, I
BETTER GO LOCK ALL THE DOORS,
THEN I'LL LEAVE THIS AXE ON THE
BATHROOM SINK AS I TAKE A
SHOWER, LA, LA, LA, HONEY, IS
THAT YOU?
COME ON IN!
LOO, LOO!
I'M ALL SOAPY!
I'VE GOT MY EYES CLOSED SO I
CAN'T READ THE SCRIPT!
IS IT OVER IN IT'S OVER.
WHEN WALL STREET HEARD ALL TRADE
WAS BEING SUSPEND THEY DID
FREAKED OUT.
HERE'S A PICTURE OF DOW FUTURES
FROM THE MOMENT TRUMP'S SPEECH
STARTED TO ONE HOUR LATER.
I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT FINANCE
BUT I DO KNOW THE RULE, LINE GO
DOWN, PANTS GO BROWN.
OKAY?
E.F. HUTTON SAID THAT
ORIGINALLY.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH?
THAT'S WHY PEOPLE WOULD
LISTEN.
ASK YOUR GRANDPARENTS ABOUT THAT
REFERENCE.
WHEN E.F. HUTTON TALKS, PEOPLE
LISTEN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I BELIEVE THEY ARE ASH CAN AT
THIS POINT.
AN HOUR AFTER HIS SPEECH TRUMP
LEAPT ON TWITTER TO CORRECT
HIMSELF -- PLEASE REMEMBER, VERY
IMPORTANT FOR ALL COUNTRIES AND
BUSINESSES TO KNOW THAT TRADE
WILL IN NO WAY BE AFFECTED BY
THE 30-DAY RESTRICTION ON TRAVEL
FROM EUROPE.
THE RESTRICTION STOPS PEOPLE,
NOT GOODS.
PLEASE REMEMBER, VERY IMPORTANT
FOR ALL COUNTRIES AND BUSINESSES
TO KNOW, NOTHING I SAY IS TRUE,
PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN
BEHIND THE BRONZER.
( LAUGHTER )
A NIGHT'S SLEEP DID NOT MAKE THE
MARKETS FEEL ANY BETTER ABOUT
TRUMP'S PERFORMANCE BECAUSE
RIGHT AFTER THE OPENING BELL THE
DOW DROPPED 700 POINTS TRIPPING
AUTOMATIC CIRCUIT BREARKZ TO
HALT TRADING.
I WISH LIFE THAT DID AUTOMATIC
CIRCUIT BREAKERS, OTHER THAN
THIS SWITCH.
>> Jon: FLIP THAT ONE.
>> Stephen: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO?
NO MORE PURELLE.
I'M HOPING TO DRINK ENOUGH OF
THIS I SWEAT OUT THE
STERILIZING.
>> Jon: MM-HMM.
( PIANO RIFF )
JOHN, YOU DON'T DRINK AT ALL.
>> Jon: NO.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T DRINK AT
ALL.
>> Jon: NO.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU CALM
DOWN?
>> Jon: MUSIC.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> Jon: YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: BUT I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO PLAY A PIANO.
>> Jon: YOU CAN LISTEN TO
MUSIC.
>> Stephen: TRY ME OUT.
YOU PLAY SOMETHING, I'LL HAVE A
SIP OF BOURBON AND COMPARE THE
CALMING EFFECT.
>> Jon: OKAY.
>> Stephen: SO READY, GO.
♪
♪
♪
( LAUGHTER )
♪
♪
>> Stephen: YOU CAN STOP NOW.
( PIANO RIFF )
( LAUGHTER )
ONE OF THE THINGS THAT HAD TO
FREAK OUT WALL STREET WAS
TRUMP'S BODY LANGUAGE.
HE HAD A RAKISH FLAIR THAT CAN
ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS STARK
TERROR.
NOT SO MUCH DEER IN THE HEAD
LIGHTS AS DEER IN THE OVAL
OFFICE.
AAAHHH!
AAAHHH!
AAAHHH!
AAHHH!
OH, SNAP.
NO, DON'T FOLLOW ME!
AAAHHH!
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I'VE HAD A LITTLE
TOO MUCH OF THIS STUFF OVER
HERE.
BECAUSE IT WAS A TRUMP SPEECH,
WORDS NOT DO GOOD.
FOR INSTANCE, HE GETS A LITTLE
TRIPPED UP HERE.
>> I AM CONFIDENT BY COUNTING
AND CONTINUING TO TAKE THESE
TOUGH MEASURES --
>> Stephen: NOT VERY
REASSURING WHEN THE GUY TELLING
US TO STAY CALM ABOUT A
RESPIRATORY VIRUS LOSES HIS
BREATH IN THE MIDDLE OF A
TWO-SYLLABLE WORD.
( AS TRUMP ) I'M YOUR PRES
I-DENT.
TRUMPS REMARKS ON CAMERA WERE A
DISASTER AND HIS OFF CAMERA
MARKS.
A MOMENT BEFORE THE SPEECH,
UNAWARE THE CAMERA WAS ROLLING.
>> DO YOU LIKE THE BOOK BEING ON
THE DESK OR NOT?
OR WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE IT NOT
BE.
>> HAVE IT THERE JUST IN CASE.
MAYBE IT LOOKS BETTER.
GIVES YOU SOMETHING UP HERE.
RIGHT?
DOES IT MATTER?
>> Stephen: WAY TO HAVE THE
RIGHT PRIORITIES.
THIS IS LIKE THAT FAMOUS
CHURCHILL SPEECHCH -- WE SHALL
FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES, WE
SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE LANDING
GROUND.
DO YOU LIKE MY HAIR SLICKED BACK
OR PUSH FORWARD?
DOES IT MATTER?
EITHER WAY, I'M A SMOKE SHOW!
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: HMM...
>> Stephen: BUT THE FUN DIDN'T
STOP THERE BECAUSE AFTER HE
FINISHED, THE CAMERAS KEPT
ROLLING.
>> OKAY.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
WOW, INDEED.
>> Jon: THAT'S WHERE WE'RE AT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHERE WE'RE
AT.
THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO
HEAR ATTEND OF AN IMPORTANT
SPEECH.
AND THAT'S WHY I KNOW THEY'RE
GOING TO HAVE A LONG, HAPPY LIFE
TOGETHER.
TO KAREN AND JON!
OKAAAAAAY...
( LAUGHTER )
I GIVE IT A YEAR TOPS!
( PIANO RIFF )
UH, WE'VE GOT TO TAKE A BREAK,
BUT STICK AROUND.
WHEN WE COME BACK, MORE OF --
WHATEVER THIS IS.
RIGHT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
