>> Stephen: YOU MAY KNOW MY
GUEST TONIGHT AS THE STAR OF
STRANGER THAN CANDY OFTEN THOSE
WEIRD COMMERCIALS HE DID.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
WELCOME STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
OH, THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE TO
WORK.
>> ISN'T IT?
WELCOME, WELCOME TO WHAT YOU
HAVE BUILT.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
IS THIS ME?
>> THIS IS YOU.
IS THAT THE CLASSIC GUEST MOVE,
EXPRESSING IMMEDIATE SUSPICION.
>> Stephen: IS THIS ME?
EXACTLY.
DID YOU POISON THIS?
DID YOU DIP YOUR BALLS IN THIS?
( LAUGHTER )
>> SO AS PART OF AN INTERVIEW,
WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A
WHILE.
>> Stephen: FUNNY THING IS
I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR A WHILE, BUT
WE HAVEN'T REALLY WORKED
TOGETHER.
>> TRUE.
>> Stephen: INTIMATELY BECAUSE
I LEFT RIGHT BEFORE YOU GOT
THERE AT "THE DAILY SHOW,"
RIGHT?
>> RIGHT BEFORE.
>> Stephen: SO PEOPLE THINK WE
KNOW EACH OTHER REALLY WELL.
I RESPECT YOU ENORMOUSLY AND HAD
FUN WITH YOU BUT WE NEVER SPENT
A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER.
>> I WAS BROUGHT IN AS THE
DESTITUTE MAN ON COLBERT.
SINCE WE JUMPED THE INTRODUCTORY
SECTION --
>> Stephen: WE NEVER HAD IT.
WHAT I THOUGHT WE WOULD DO IS
HAVE A FIRST DATE NOW.
SO I'VE GOT QUESTIONS FOR A
START.
FOR A FIRST DATE, YOU DON'T GO
IN --
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WOW, LOVELY.
I ASKED YOUR STAFF WHAT WINE
DOES STEPHEN LIKE, AND THEY SAID
WHITE WINE, AND I THINK THEY
WERE LOOKING AT A BOTTLE OF
WHITE WINE AS THEY SAID THAT.
SO, THERE WE GO, FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
BEAUTIFUL PORT, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: WONDERFUL.
WERE YOU EVER FIRED AS A WAITER?
>> I WAS A BARTENDER.
YOU CAN'T FIRE A BARTENDER.
>> Stephen: LEGALLY?
YOU'RE ALL APPOINTED BY THE
QUEEN?
>> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: SHE'S THE ONLY ONE
WHO CAN LET YOU GO.
>> BARTENDING IN THE HOUSE OF
LORDS.
IT'S HEREDITARY.
I COME FROM A LONG LIST OF
BARTENDERS.
CHEERS.
>> Stephen: SO NICE TO MEET
YOU.
>> I GOT FIRST CLASS QUESTIONS
FROM THE INTERNET IN THE
DRESSING ROOM FROM A WEB SITE
POSING AS A SUSTAINABLE
BUSINESS.
THIS IS A CLASSIC FIRST DATE
QUESTION, NOT A BAD ONE.
WHAT'S THE FIRST CONCERT YOU
WENT TO?
>> Stephen: I WENT TO SEE
CHUNG MANGION, AND THE THEME
SONG GOES A LITTLE SOMETHING
LIKE THIS.
♪
♪
( HUMMING )
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT!
WOW.
>> Stephen: FIRST CONCERT.
ASK ME WHO I WENT WITH.
>> YOUR FIRST DATE GAVE IT
STRONG, BRINGING A BAND WITH YOU
AND PLAYING --
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: IT'S YOUR
RESTAURANT.
YOU PICKED THIS RESTAURANT.
THEY'RE FANTASTIC.
>> WHO DID YOU GO WITH?
>> Stephen: MY MOTHER.
THAT'S NICE.
DID SHE LIKE IT.
>> Stephen: I THINK SHE STAYED
AWAKE.
>> I SAW PRINCE.
>> Stephen: OH...
YEAH.
( APPLAUSE )
THEY WERE BOTH GOOD.
>> Stephen: YOU ASKED ME THAT
QUESTION JUST SO YOU COULD
SAY -- THE ENTIRE THING.
ARE ALL THE QUESTIONS GOING TO
BE HUE MILL MILLATING ME?
>> NO, THAT'S THE ONLY BOOMERANG
QUESTION.
>> Stephen: WHERE DID YOU SEE
PRINCE?
>> I WAS 15 YEARS OLD AND I
SNUCK OUT IN LONDON.
IT WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.
I WAS OBSESSED WITH PRINCE
GROWING UP BECAUSE HE WAS UNLIKE
ANYTHING AROUND.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT MINNEAPOLIS
MUST BE THE MOST AMAZING PLACE
IN AMERICA.
( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS ADVICE FOR A FIRST DATE
AND SOME OF THESE ARE VERY
SPECIFIC.
>> Stephen: THESE WERE
LITERALLY SUGGESTED TO YOU BY
THE INTERNET.
THE MOST TRUSTWORTHY SOURCE FOR
HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS.
THE ROBOT SAYS, ASK THESE
QUESTIONS -- HOW MANY KILOHERTZ
DO YOU OPERATE AT?
>> WHAT IS YOURS AS A HUMAN'S
FATAL WEAKNESS?
( LAUGHTER )
WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU SANG
WITH YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE?
>> Stephen: CONSTANTLY.
I'M CONSTANTLY SINGING BY
MYSELF.
I CHEER MYSELF UP BY SINGING ALL
THE TIME.
>> LAST NIGHT DID YOU DO --
( SCATTING )
THAT'S A CLASSIC DANCING, ISN'T
IT?
>> Stephen: THIS DATE IS GOING
GREAT.
YOU'RE DEFINITELY GETTING A
SECOND DATE.
>> I THINK I AM.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS I SAYING
LAST NIGHT?
THERE'S A GUY NAMED VILLARY WHO
PLAYS WITH RACHEL PRICE AND
PLAYS JAZZ GUITAR.
I'M KIND OF OBSESSED WITH THEIR
YouTube VIDEOS.
AT THE END OF A SONG THERE'S A
SONG CALLED "DO FRIENDS FALL IN
LOVE" HE SAYS ♪
♪ AS FRIENDS WE WERE BEFORE ♪
♪ AND SHE SAYS ♪
♪ AND WILL FOREVERMORE TWO,
FRIENDS IN LOVE ♪
>> THAT'S NOT A BAD ONE.
IT'S NOT LIKE, ♪
♪ IT'S BEEN -- ♪
♪ IT'S BEEN ♪
♪ IT GOES LIKE SOMEBODY ♪
♪ SOMEBODY ♪
♪ IT'S BEEN ♪
♪ SOMEBODY ♪
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF AN
EAR WORM?
MY FRIEND NICK NAPIER SAID IF
YOU CAN'T GET SOMETHING OUT OF
YOUR HEAD YOU NEED SOMETHING, AN
EAR WORM THAT ISN'T LONG ENOUGH
TO LOOP BECAUSE THE PROBLEM WITH
EAR WORMS IS YOU GET A COUPLE
BARS OF IT IN YOUR HEAD AND
KEEPS GOING AROUND, BUT
SOMETHING TOO SHORT AND REALLY
DISTINCTIVE, SOMETHING THAT WILL
DRIVE IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD BUT
NOT LONG ENOUGH TO LOOP IS.
♪ BY MINNIN ♪
OR --
( SINGING )
>> RICOLA SNOCT
500-588-300-EMPIRE ♪
♪ .
>> Stephen: TODAY.
YOU'RE CUTE.
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE COMING ON A LITTLE STRONG
BUT I DO LIKE TO BE CHASED.
THIS IS A GENUINE FOURTH
QUESTION SUGGESTION.
THIS IS FOR HUM HUME INTERACTION
A FIRST DATE.
DO YOU HAVE A SECRET IDEA OF HOW
YOU WILL SEE DYE?
THAT'S A FIRST DATE QUESTION.
>> Stephen: YEAH, I MEAN, I
GUESS IT'S FAIRLY COMMON.
I WILL BE FITTED WITH AN IRON
MASK THAT TOTALLY COVERS ON HERE
AND THERE'S A LITTLE TRIP OF
WATER THAT GOES IN AND PHILS UP
TO HERE, SO I ACTUALLY DROWN IN
THE WATER ON MY FACE AND I HAVE
TO KEEP BLOWING IT OUT OR KEEP
DRINKING IT IN ORDER TO STAY
ALIVE, BUT EVENTUALLY I LOSE
CONSCIOUSNESS AND I CAN'T DO IT.
OR I FALL FACE FIRST INTO A WOOD
CHIPPER.
YEAH.
( APPLAUSE )
OR I GO HOME WITH A STRANGER ON
OUR FIRST DATE.
>> YEAH.
FINAL FIRST DATE QUESTION, WHAT
FRIENDSHIP HAVE YOU HAD THAT'S
IMPACTED YOU THE MOST?
>> Stephen: MY WIFE.
MY WIFE, WITHOUT A DOUBT.
>> GOOD ANSWER.
>> Stephen: WITHOUT A DOUBT.
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY BAR NONE NO
ONE WHO COMES CLOSE, AND, YOU
KNOW, THE MOST HARROWING IDEA
WOULD BE THAT I WOULD SPEND ANY
PART OF MY LIFE WITHOUT HER
BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A LEVEL OF
LONELINESS AND IRREPLACEABLE,
IRREDEEMABLE EMOTIONAL
DESOLATION THAT I COULD NOT
POSSIBLY CONTEMPLATE, AND I
UNDERSTAND WHY OLD MEN DIE LIKE
A MONTH AFTER THEIR WIVES GO
BECAUSE HOW I WILL ACTUALLY DIE
IS SHE WILL DIE FIRST AND I WILL
NOT LAST A YEAR.
>> CHECK, PLEASE.
I'M WASTING MY (  BLEEP  ) TIME
HERE.
STEPHEN COLBERT, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JOHN OLIVER!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
