

glimpses

by

erin j. munz

Glimpses

By Erin J. Munz

Copyright 2014 Erin J. Munz

Smashwords Edition

For Jason,

Who believed in me enough to make me believe in myself
part i

I never liked things that I didn't understand.

My mind didn't understand the flood of medical terminology his doctor poured forth.

My heart didn't understand how I could barely recognize the man I loved.

My mind and my heart didn't understand how I could have been so stupid and caused this whole mess.
"It's because I'm not good enough for you, Harleigh!"

He was screaming. He never screamed. Not at me.

"That's not true, Shaun."

"It is. It so fuckin' is!"

"Shaun..."

"All that stuff they've been telling you, it finally got to you."

"Shaun..."

"I didn't think now, not after 2 ½ years."

"Shaun..."

I had started to cry. Usually my tears put an end to any fight. Shaun hated to see me cry.

Not this time.

"What? What are you going to say to me? That you love me? That little miss college degree loves a fuckin' piece of shit like me? What? What are you going to say to me?"

His voice was full of so much anger – and even more hurt.

I tried to take his hand, but he pulled away.

"Shaun, you know that I love you, but I'm just not..."

"I'm not good enough for you."

"Don't say that."

"Why? It's true, Harleigh, isn't it?"

"Stop it. Listen to me..."

"It has to be true. If you love me so much, why can't you even imagine marrying me?"

* * *

In one hand I held the phone, in the other a handful of tissues.

"Rose, he left, he just left. He's never left me like that before."

"Harleigh, relax. It's OK, everything is OK. What happened?"

"He brought up the m-word."

"The m-word?"

"Yes, the m-word. MARRIAGE."

"Ohhh... did he propose?"

"No, he just said he's been thinking a lot lately about marrying me."

"And?"

"And I freaked out, Rose. I told him I'd never even thought of marrying him."

"Liar."

I couldn't stop crying.

"I know. I know. He thought it was because he's not good enough for me."

"Did you explain to him?"

"He wouldn't listen. Then he got really mad. He slammed the door and left. He just slammed the door and left."

* * *

I wasn't sleeping. I couldn't sleep not with what had happened that night. It was almost 4 a.m. when the phone started to ring.

I saw Mike's name and number come up on my phone. I didn't pay any attention to it.

"Shaun?"

"No, Harleigh, it's Mike." Shaun's brother.

I knew. I could hear it in his voice.

"Shaun was in an accident."

"What? Mike, is he OK? He's OK, isn't he?"

"I think you should come to the hospital."

* * *

I found Mike in a waiting room. His eyes were red. I looked at him and started to fall apart myself. He took me in his arms.

"Harleigh..."

"Mike, how bad is it?"

"He's gonna be just fine."

"Mike, how bad is it?"

I pulled away so I could look into his eyes.

"They don't think he's gonna make it out of surgery." His voice was shaking. "It's bad, real bad."

* * *

I had first met Shaun three years ago after I had moved into the complex where Mike lived at a Fourth of July picnic.

I was sitting beside the pool with my feet dangling into the cool water when he came and sat down beside me.

"Hi, I'm Shaun, Mike's brother."

I smiled at him as he extended his rough hand to me. He was cute, super cute – brown hair, brown eyes and a smile that told me he was trouble.

"I'm Harleigh."

"Yeah, Mike's been telling me about you. You're a teacher, right?"

"I am."

"I've never met a teacher that liked me." He grinned.

Cocky yet somehow charming.

"Who." I gave him a cocky grin of my own.

"Who what?"

"Who liked you."

"Sorry, my grammar's a little bit rusty."

"That's OK."

"So are you gonna be the first?"

"Maybe."

* * *

I handed Mike a cup of coffee as I sat down in the chair beside him.

"We had a fight."

"I know, Harleigh."

I figured that he did.

"Shaun came over after he left your place."

"I love him, Mike. I love him so much."

"I know you do."

"I just panicked."

"Harleigh..."

"He just caught me off guard."

"Harleigh..."

"I didn't know what to say."

"Harleigh..." I looked at him. "This isn't your fault."

"Yes, it is."

* * *

A couple weeks after I first met him, Shaun was over trying to fix my sink. The complex's maintenance man was out of town and couldn't check it out until the next day.

I stared at his legs sticking out from under the counter.

"Shaun..."

"Hmmm?"

"Ummm, thanks for doing this for me."

"Not a problem for my teacher friend."

The dreaded f-word.

"So can I at least cook dinner for you or something?"

He emerged from under the sink, and I tried to stop twiddling my thumbs.

"Do you like baseball, Harleigh?"

I was confused.

"What?"

"You know, baseball? Pitcher, batter, three strikes and you're out. Baseball?"

"I love baseball." That was a bit of an exaggeration.

"Then how about you come with me to tonight's game? I've got great seats."

"I'd love to."

He disappeared again under the sink. "Great. Maybe I'll even buy you a hot dog or something."

I was glad he couldn't see the smile on my face.

* * *

I wrapped my arm around Mike's and rested my head on his shoulder.

"Mike, what happened?"

"A car hit him head on."

"Was he... had he... after our fight?"

"No, Shaun wasn't."

"Was the other guy?"

He nodded.

"Yeah, he was. Kind of ironic, huh?"

* * *

We had been officially dating for about a week when I found out. Shaun was over at my apartment for dinner.

"So, Shaun, how about next Tuesday we do dinner with Rose and Scott?"

He shook his head.

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because Tuesday's a bad day."

"Why?"

"Because it just is."

"Shaun..."

"Harleigh, I can't."

"Why can't you?"

"I have a meeting Tuesday evening."

"What kind of meeting?"

"A meeting."

"Shaun, what kind of meeting?"

"An AA meeting." He didn't look away.

"Ohhhhh."

"No, AA."

He tried to laugh; I tried to smile.

"Harleigh, look, I should have told you before."

"You don't have to explain. I'm sorry."

"No, Harleigh." He took my hand. "I've been sober for about ten months now. I just didn't... I didn't know how to tell you."

"It's OK."

My mind was racing.

"No, I used to be a real fuck-up. I did a lot of stupid shit."

"It's OK."

My mind started to race even more.

"But I'm on the right track now. I promise."

* * *

Mike's eyes looked about a million miles away.

"Mike..."

He shook his head and came back to me.

I squeezed his hand.

"He's gonna be just fine."

"It's not fair, Harleigh."

"I know."

"He was doing so much better."

"I know."

"He finally had everything going in the right direction."

"He still will."

Mike shook his head.

"I just have this feeling."

"No."

"Harleigh..."

"No, he's fine. He's going to wake up and be fine."

"Harleigh..."

I wouldn't listen.

* * *

One night, when Shaun and I had been dating for about three months, he came over for dinner after work.

It was unusually warm for January so after we ate we sat outside, with the stars in the black sky above us.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"Thanks for dinner tonight."

"Anytime."

"So I'll be over tomorrow then."

"Tomorrow's menu will feature cereal, soup and salad."

"Maybe I'll cook for you then." He grinned.

"Can you cook?"

"Of course I can cook. Are you doubting my skills?"

I tickled his sides.

"No, I would never do that."

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"No, never mind. It's stupid."

"No, tell me."

"Today's day 400."

I didn't understand.

"I've been clean and sober for 400 days now."

"You count?"

"Yeah, every day on my calendar."

I kissed his cheek.

"Congratulations."

"It's stupid, just forget I told you."

"Shaun, it's not stupid."

We never talked about his past. I figured he would tell me if he ever wanted to. I didn't want to push.

Tonight I didn't have to.

"It was really rough after my mom died. It was my senior year of high school. My dad had died when I was in seventh grade. It was just really rough when she died."

I wrapped my arm around his.

"How'd she die?"

"Cancer."

"I'm sorry, Shaun."

"I went to live with Mike. He had been out of college for a year or so, but it just didn't work."

"Why? You and Mike get along great."

"We do now. But I put him through a lot of shit that I shouldn't have. I got messed up with a lot of bad stuff."

I didn't say anything because I could tell that Shaun wasn't finished.

"I mean, there are weeks, months even that I don't remember. I never even really thought about going to college. And I couldn't even hold a job for more than a month."

"You don't have to tell me this."

"Yeah, I do."

I knew he did too, but I didn't want him to feel like I was forcing him.

"After about three years, Mike had me tossed into rehab. I couldn't admit that I had a problem so it didn't really do me much good. I guess that's really cliché, but it's true."

"What happened after that?"

"I moved back in with Mike. And I did OK for a little bit. But then I just started drinking again, no more drugs or anything, but just drinking and drinking."

"Why?"

"I don't know. To escape. To make it go away."

Neither one of us said anything.

Then Shaun smiled. "But that was all 400 days ago."

* * *

Mike held onto my hand.

"I used to wish that Shaun would find a girl like you."

"What do you mean?"

"Someone who was going to pull him out of what he was slipping into."

"I didn't do that, Mike."

"You did more than you know."

"Shaun was already sober when I met him."

"You helped him stay that way."

"How?"

"You made him want something better for himself. You made him want to be better."

I thought of our fight.

"But that's it, Mike."

"What's it?"

"He never thought he could be good enough for me."

* * *

Shaun was driving me home one December night after a movie.

"Hey, Shaun."

"Hey what?"

"What are you doing next Friday?"

"Nothing. Why? Are you making me dinner?"

"Nope."

"Well, what's going on then?"

"My school is having its holiday party, and I was hoping you would be my date."

I moved closer to him in the front seat of the truck.

I watched his knuckles grow white around the steering wheel.

"Harleigh, I don't think that's a good idea."

"What?"

"I don't think taking me is a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Well, what will they all think?"

"They'll think you're great."

"I don't think so."

"Shaun, what are you talking about?"

"I'm not smart. I'm not refined. I don't even own a tie. And..."

"You're perfect."

"Harleigh..."

"They'll love you just like I love you."

I kissed his cheek.

"Remember you're the only teacher who has ever liked me." He emphasized the who.

"Shaun, it's not like you're going up against a firing squad or something. They knew your mom. They watched you grow up."

His mom had been the nurse at my school.

"So, you want them to see what a mess I've made of my life?"

"Shaun..."

"I'm sorry." He paused, his eyes focused on the road ahead. "You really want me to go? You're not worried what they'll think?"

"I really want you to go. Besides, my opinion is the only one that matters."

"Oh yeah?"

"And I definitely approve."

I could see the smile slowly return to his face.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"I was just lying. I really do own a tie."

* * *

I stood up and walked over to the window of the waiting room.

"Mike, how long has he been in there?"

"Hours. I've lost track. Hours."

"Do you think that's a good or bad thing?"

"I don't know."

"He's gonna be fine."

"Harleigh, do you think you could call your brother? Maybe he could help or something."

"I can try."

* * *

I had four brothers. Three of them loved Shaun. Jon hated him.

The five of us lived across the country, but Jon and I lived the farthest apart — in a number of ways. He was the oldest. I was the youngest. But it was more than just age.

Shaun was in bed, and Jon and I were sitting on Jon's front porch.

"I don't know, Harleigh." Jon, a doctor, was making his diagnosis on my relationship.

"Jon, come on."

"He's a construction worker."

"So..."

"So, can he carry on a complete conversation with you?"

"Stop it."

"I'm just trying to be realistic. He's no good."

"You can't say that, Jon, you don't know him."

"Drug rehab, AA meetings, construction worker, what more do I need to know?"

"Those things aren't who he is."

"Then tell me, Harleigh, who is he?"

"Shaun is kind and sweet and caring, and he would do anything for me. And he makes me happy."

"He's trouble. He's got no future."

"He does have a future."

"It better not include you."

"It does."

* * *

I left Mike in the waiting room while I went outside to call Jon.

I heard his voice on the other end.

"Jon, it's Harleigh."

He could hear my tears.

"Harleigh, what happened? What's wrong? Are you OK?"

"Shaun was in a really bad accident, really bad accident."

"Is he OK?"

"I don't know. They've been operating for hours."

"What have the doctors told you?"

"They told Mike that he'd be lucky if he made it out of surgery."

"Anything else?"

"Jon, what do we do?"

"Harleigh, don't cry, OK?"

"OK."

Attempts at muffling my tears were futile.

"Listen, I'm going to come down there."

"I'm so scared. I can't lose him. I can't..."

"I'm going to catch the first flight."

"I'm scared."

"Harleigh, you've got to stay strong for Shaun."

"I can't."

"You have to."

* * *

It was two days after our first real fight. We had gotten into a fight about Jon.

I hadn't called Shaun. Shaun hadn't called me.

Then I started to worry.

I called him and left message after message after message.

He didn't return any of my calls.

I went to his apartment and knocked and knocked and knocked on his door.

He didn't answer.

But the door was unlocked, and I went in.

He was sitting on his couch with a bottle of whiskey on the coffee table in front of him. He didn't even look up as I entered.

"Shaun..."

"You know I've been thinking a lot lately."

"You don't want to do this."

"I don't know how to..."

"Shaun, come on think about this."

He looked at me and tried to smile.

"I don't know how to explain this."

"What?"

"I thought it was over, Harleigh. I thought we were over."

"We aren't."

"Good. But I got this, thinking it would fill the space that you had emptied."

"Please don't."

"But it can't. You're the best thing I've got going for me right now, and I don't want to throw that away. I don't want to throw us away. And I don't want to drink us away either."

"I'm sorry, Shaun."

"I'm the one who should be sorry."

"No, I should know better than to listen to what Jon says about you."

"He's your brother. He loves you, and he thinks he's just doing what's best for you. And maybe he's right about some things."

"No, he's not."

"I could do something more with my life."

"Why? Because Jon thinks so?"

"No."

"Why then?"

"Because I think you deserve something more."

* * *

Mike was holding his head in his hands when I went back into the waiting room.

I sat down beside him and ran my hand along his back.

"Mike, what happened? Did his doctor come out?"

He shook his head.

"I can't lose him, Harleigh."

"You aren't going to lose him."

"What's taking so long? What are they doing to him?"

"Jon's coming. He's flying down."

"What?"

"Jon's going to come. He's gonna be OK."

"What did Jon say?"

"He's going to catch the first flight he can. And we have to stay strong; we have to stay strong for Shaun."

* * *

During the summer, Shaun helped coach a Little League team. One Saturday, Jimmy Mason took a big swing and somehow connected with Shaun's head instead of the ball.

I was there. I remembered all the blood.

I drove him to the hospital as he held a towel against his face.

"It figures the first time the kid made contact, it would be with me instead of with the ball."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm OK. Have I ever told you how much I hate the sight of blood?"

"If you're going to be sick, please roll down the window."

I squeezed his knee.

"So you're gonna take care of me right, Harleigh?"

"This is a very serious injury. It will require nonstop supervision."

"Nonstop supervision — I like the sound of that."

We checked him in at the emergency room. Then I went back with him as the doctor stitched him up.

He never let go of my hand.

* * *

Mike was holding my hand when Shaun's doctor came into the waiting room.

Dr. Matthews sat down beside us.

"Are you Shaun Parker's family?"

Mike spoke.

"Yes, we're his family. Is he..."

The doctor's eyes looked tired.

"He pulled through. I don't know how, but he did."

After that, nothing else seemed relevant. My tears started to fall.

"But it's still going to be touch and go for a while. He's not in the clear yet."

I knew he was going to be just fine. Mike wanted the doctor to say this.

"But he's gonna be just fine, right? Eventually he'll be just fine, right?"

"I wish I could tell you that, but I can't. We're going to have to take this slow. But like I said, these next couple hours are going to be critical."

Through the tears, some words managed to escape.

"Can we see him?"

The doctor nodded.

* * *

My parents were killed in a car accident when I was five.

I don't really remember much about them, only what my brothers have told me.

But I remember sitting in the hospital waiting room the night it happened.

Jon was home from college for winter break.

He couldn't get in touch with our grandma so he piled Greg, Noah, Drew and me into the car.

We didn't know what was happening.

Only later did we find out our dad had died instantly. Our mom only made it for a couple hours after they got her to the hospital.

In my Smurf pajamas, I sat in the waiting room on Greg's lap.

I can still see the doctor coming into the waiting room.

And I'll never forget the look on his face when he saw the five of us.

* * *

I went into Shaun's room first while Mike stayed outside and talked to his doctor.

I didn't need to hear, I didn't want to hear all that technical jargon of what was wrong with him. I just needed, I just wanted to hold his hand.

He didn't look like Shaun, like my Shaun lying in that bed with tubes and machines all hooked up to him.

I wiped my eyes as I took his hand.

I kissed his warm skin.

"Hey, cutie.

"You're gonna be just fine.

"I know you are.

"You wouldn't leave me.

"I know you wouldn't."

I looked at the liquid from the IV slowly dripping into him.

"I'm sorry, Shaun.

"I was scared.

"But I love you so much.

"And I know you know that.

"And I know you're gonna wake up and be just fine.

"I love you so much."

I held his hand as I watched the lines on the machine, telling me that his heart was still beating.

* * *

One night we were on Shaun's porch looking at the stars.

He pointed at the sky.

"Back in the day when I was a Boy Scout, I used to know all these constellations and stuff."

"Back in the day?"

I laughed.

"Are you making fun of me, Harleigh?"

He reached over to tickle me.

I shook my head.

"Me make fun of you? Never."

He stood up and extended his hand to me.

"Do you hear it?" I shook my head. "They're playing our song."

I stood up and wrapped my arms around him.

We were dancing; we were barely moving.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

He kissed the top of my head.

"Nothing."

"Come on, Shaun, tell me."

"Harleigh..."

His arms wrapped even tighter around me.

"Yes..."

"I love you."

I kissed him.

"I love you, too."

"No, I really love you."

"I really love you, Shaun."

"No, Harleigh, I'm so totally and completely in love with you."

I buried my head in his chest.

I could feel his heart racing.

I knew he meant it.

* * *

I don't know how long I stood there holding his hand, watching him.

I heard Mike come in the room.

"Harleigh, why don't you take a break? I'll stay with him for a little bit."

Reluctantly I let go of his hand.

"Did you talk some more with his doctor, Mike?"

"A little bit."

"And?"

"It's not good."

"He's gonna be fine, Mike."

Mike's arms wrapped around me.

"It doesn't even look like him, Harleigh."

I looked back over at the bed.

"No, he doesn't. But he's still the Shaun I love."

* * *

It was my birthday.

And I was in the front of the room, going over that week's spelling words with my second-grade class.

Tommy Campbell raised his hand.

"Miss Murphy, can I go to the bathroom, PLEEEEASE?"

"Yes, Tommy, but don't forget to take the hall pass with you."

Tommy came back in a couple minutes with a happy birthday balloon.

"I found this for you."

They all giggled; the little girls were squealing.

"Tommy, where did you get that?"

He pointed out the door.

"Out there."

I went out into the hallway. There was Shaun.

"Shaun, what are you doing here?"

"Happy Birthday."

"Shaun, what are you doing here?"

"I came to wish you a happy birthday."

"But we're going out tonight."

"But we're having a little party for you now."

"Party?"

He opened the door to my room.

My entire class was huddled in the front of the room around a table of cupcakes.

"Happy Birthday, Miss Murphy!!!!!"

Then they all started to sing — even Shaun.

As we ate cupcakes, they each gave me a card they had made in art class. Rose was the art teacher and had helped coordinate this little party.

Shaun also had connections at the school now, through some of his mom's old friends. They had been so excited to see him at the holiday party, so excited to see the man he had become.

Shaun just smiled as he looked like a giant sitting in a little chair.

The little girls were hanging all over him as usual. They loved him.

I loved him.

* * *

I stood outside the room and watched them.

Mike was falling apart. But he was trying so hard to remain strong.

For Shaun. For me.

He wiped his eyes on his sleeve and saw me out of the corner of his eye.

He waved for me to come in.

"How're you doing, Mike?"

He just nodded.

"He's just my little brother."

"It's OK."

"He's got all these tubes and machines everywhere. And there's nothing I can do."

"I know, Mike."

"There's nothing we can do."

"We'll be here until there is something we can do."

I saw the tears streaming down his face but pretended not to.

"I used to beat up on him pretty good when we were little."

Shaun never talked much about when he was younger.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Mike tried to smile.

"I gave him a really nice shiner the day before his first-grade class picture. Our mom was so mad."

"He never told me that."

"But I would never let anything happen to him. I'd never let anything happen to him."

* * *

For our one-year anniversary, Shaun bought tickets for a play I wanted to see.

I knew he didn't want to go. Going meant wearing a tie.

But he did it for me.

He was walking me to my apartment after the play.

"You know, that was kind of fun. It was good, I mean."

I smiled and wrapped my arm around his.

"Thank you, Shaun."

"For what?"

"For tonight."

"Happy anniversary, Harleigh."

"Happy anniversary, Shaun."

"I'm glad you liked the play."

"You knew I would."

"Yeah, I did. I'm good like that."

"Hey, Shaun."

"Hey what?"

"I'm glad I found you."

"I should be the one saying that to you, Harleigh. You could have anybody."

"No, I couldn't, but that doesn't matter because I only want you."

"Good because you're stuck with me."

"Good because you're stuck with me, Shaun."

"I can deal with that."

* * *

It was early evening.

Mike and I sat on opposite sides of Shaun's bed.

We were waiting.

I must have fallen asleep for a couple minutes because I awoke to Jon's hand on my shoulder.

"Harleigh, wake up."

I looked up at him and started to cry.

"Come on, why don't we go get something to eat?"

We said goodbye to Mike and went down to the cafeteria.

"How's he doing, Harleigh?"

"I don't know. Not good I guess."

"What did his doctor say?"

"I couldn't understand."

"You don't know what he said at all?"

"The first couple hours were going to be critical. Jon, he's not going to die, is he?"

"I hope not. I'll talk to his doctor if it's OK with Mike. Have you been home?"

"Not since they brought him in."

"What happened?"

"He was in an accident."

Before he even asked, I answered him.

"No, Jon, he wasn't drunk."

"Harleigh..."

"We had a huge fight. And I shouldn't have let him leave."

"This isn't your fault."

"I knew that he was upset when he left."

"Harleigh, you need to get some sleep. You need to be strong for him."

"I can't sleep unless I know he's gonna be OK."

"I'll talk to Mike and his doctor."

* * *

Shaun and I were still in the "just friends" stage when I told him about my parents.

Usually I never told anyone. But I felt comfortable telling him.

He was looking at the pictures I had of my brothers.

"I can't believe you survived growing up with four older brothers."

"It was pretty traumatizing at times."

"Are you close with all of them?"

"Pretty much. But Noah and Greg and I are probably the closest."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really."

"Why?"

I knew there were so many ways I could answer this question without telling him.

But I wanted to tell him.

"My parents were killed in a wreck when I was little."

I didn't give him a chance to say anything.

"And after that, Greg and Noah and Drew and I went to live with our grandma. Jon was already in college. My grandma died when I was about 15, and Noah and I went to live with Greg."

"Harleigh, I'm sorry."

"It's OK."

"I shouldn't... I'm sorry."

"No, it's OK."

I smiled.

"I guess that explains why they're so protective of me."

He wrapped his arms around me.

And I didn't want him to let go.

* * *

Jon went to talk to Shaun's doctor – after Mike had given them the all clear. Mike went home to take a shower.

And I was back at his bedside, holding his hand.

"Jon's here.

"He's gonna talk to your doctor.

"I know you'll wake up when you're ready.

"But I hope it's soon.

"I don't really like seeing you like this."

I looked at his face, expressionless.

"I miss seeing you smile.

"Or hearing you laugh.

"Or just watching you."

I touched one of his swollen cheeks.

"So I lied to you, Shaun.

"I've thought about marrying you probably every day for the last year.

"Rose is going to help me design my dress.

"And we're gonna get married outside by the lake.

"If that's OK with you.

"I shouldn't have lied to you, Shaun; I shouldn't have lied to you."

* * *

I was up at Greg's one Saturday afternoon.

He had gotten out a box of our parents' wedding photos.

"She looks so beautiful, Greg."

"You look just like her."

"No, I don't."

"Just like her, Harleigh. You've even got some of her mannerisms."

"Really? Like what?"

"Like how you bite your nails, how your laugh is more of a giggle than an actual laugh."

"I wish that I would have gotten to grow up with them, had them there for everything, you know, really have gotten to know them."

"They would be so proud of you, Harleigh, and everything you've done."

"Greg..."

"What?"

"Do you think they would like Shaun?"

"I think they would love him."

"You do?"

"Yeah, and maybe they even had a little something to do with your finding him."

* * *

I was still holding his hand when Jon came back.

"You should talk to him, too."

His voice made me jump.

"Really?"

"Yeah, he can feel you. It's good for him to know you're here."

"So what did his doctor say?"

"A bunch of technical jargon."

He tried to smile.

"He's got some serious internal damage, Harleigh."

"But he's gonna be OK, right?"

"His heart when they were operating."

"But it's working now. Jon..."

"Even if he does wake up, he might not be OK. It's hard to tell what kind of damage there is."

"I don't care. I still love him."

Jon took me in his arms.

"I know you do."

"I love him so much, Jon."

"I'm gonna stay here for a while and keep an eye on things."

On me. On Shaun.

* * *

Noah was my brother closest in age to me. He was the brother I always got along the best with, the brother I could tell anything to.

He came to visit after Shaun and I had been dating for a little more than a year.

I was helping Noah gather his stuff up the night before he was leaving.

"So how serious is it, Harleigh?"

"I don't know."

"Do you love him?"

"Yeah, I love him."

"He's a good guy."

"That's not what Jon thinks."

"What does Jon know?"

I shrugged my shoulders.

"Harleigh, just because he has some big medical degree doesn't mean he's a relationship expert or a character expert."

"I know, but..."

"I think Shaun's perfect for you. He treats you well. He makes you smile, makes you happy. What more can a person want?"

"Nothing."

"That's right. So leave the medical stuff to Jon and stick with Shaun."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Drew and I would be really bummed if you broke up with him."

* * *

I took the next week off from work and spent it at the hospital with Shaun.

Mike and I would take turns sitting with him, waiting for something to change.

Nothing ever did.

Sometimes Jon would come in and sit with me. Sometimes he would talk with Shaun's doctor or nurses.

I never asked him any questions; the look on his face gave the answers away.

One day I was coming back with some coffee, and I heard Jon's voice coming out of the room.

"I know you love my sister.

"And I know she loves you.

"This is killing her."

I thought about walking in. But I wanted to hear whatever else he had to say.

"I know we haven't gotten along.

"You think I think you aren't good enough for Harleigh.

"But that's not it.

"Nobody would be good enough for my little sister."

I wished Shaun could hear him.

"It's not you.

"So maybe you aren't the kind of guy I thought she'd end up with.

"But she loves you, and you love her.

"And I guess that's all that matters."

I tried to hold back the tears.

"And I don't know how to tell her that you're hanging on by a thread.

"That you're probably never gonna be the man she fell in love with again.

"I watch her here, holding your hand and talking to you, and I want to tell her.

"But I can't."

* * *

Rose was the kind of friend you could tell anything to, the kind of friend you could trust to discretely tell you if you had something hanging from your nose or stuck in your teeth.

"So is it pretty serious with you and Mr. Parker?"

"Yeah, it is. It's probably the most serious relationship I've ever had although that's not saying a heck of a lot because I never really dated much because I was always so busy studying."

"Ahhh, the life of the college valedictorian."

"A date every weekend with my books and a pack of highlighters."

"Yeah, but I'm sure it's much more exciting to curl up with Shaun in bed than with some text book."

"Well..."

"Harleigh, are you holding out on me?"

"Here's the deal."

"What deal?"

"We're not exactly curling up in bed so to speak."

"Harleigh, what are you saying? Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"We aren't sleeping together."

"This is almost as disturbing as when I found out there was no Santa Claus."

"Don't be so dramatic, Rose."

"You have been dating Shaun Parker for seven months and you aren't sleeping together? Why the fuck not?"

"I'm the big V, Rose."

"The big V?"

"I'm still a..."

"Ohhh... You're still a... the big V. Got it."

"Don't laugh."

"Am I laughing?"

"It's just maybe I'm really naïve and foolish and moronic but I just want it to be with one person and I want it to be with someone special. And I really... I want it to be with the person who's going to be with me for the long haul."

"I'm just stunned by your self-control and Shaun's. I don't even want to imagine what his masturbation factor is."

"Rose, enough."

"Sorry, just thinking out loud."

"Anyway, I really haven't told Shaun yet. And I don't really know how to."

"Can't help you there, Miss Murphy. I haven't had that conversation since my freshman year in high school."

* * *

Sometimes I would sit there and make up in my head what I would say to him when he opened his eyes.

I knew he would open them.

"So I've gotta go back to school next week.

"I thought I should tell you where I'll be.

"But I'll be back every day after school's out.

"And if you wanna wake up while I'm gone that's fine."

I leaned over and kissed his forehead.

"Hey, Shaun.

"I love you."

* * *

We were curled up on his couch under a blanket.

"Harleigh, I was thinking."

"No, really?"

I was giggling.

"Stop that."

"OK, I'm sorry. So you were thinking?"

"Yeah, I was thinking that you're lucky to have me."

He grinned.

"Oh, am I?"

"Yup."

"And why might that be, Shaun?"

"I'm perfect."

I couldn't stop laughing.

"You want me, Harleigh. I know. You want me bad."

* * *

After school on Monday, I rushed back to the hospital.

I expected to find Mike or Jon in the room. But there was a nurse I had never seen before.

She turned when she heard me open the door.

"Hi."

"Hi. Is everything OK with Shaun?"

"Yeah, everything's OK. Are you his girlfriend?"

"Yeah, I am."

She extended her hand to me.

"I'm Shelly. I used to date Shaun a really, really long time ago."

Another part of his past.

"I'm Harleigh."

"I've heard about you. His friends talk a lot about you, saying how much you've done for him and stuff."

"I love him."

"He's a good guy. I just wanted to stop in and see how he was doing."

"It was nice meeting you, Shelly."

* * *

We sat on top of my bed.

Shaun had slipped my shirt off over my head and was kissing my back.

"I love you, Harleigh."

I turned and faced him and put my hands on his chest.

He looked at me.

"Harleigh, you're shaking."

I kissed him, my lips barely parting.

He gently lowered me back until my head rested on the pillows.

His hands ran up and down my sides.

"I love you so much, Harleigh."

He started to unbutton my jeans.

"Shaun..."

He was kissing my chest.

"You're amazing, Harleigh, I..."

"Shaun..."

He was slowly kissing his way down my stomach.

"Do you know how much I've wanted to make love to you?"

"Shaun, stop."

He looked up. He saw my tears.

"What?"

"I can't do this."

"Harleigh, what's wrong? Hey, don't cry."

"I can't do this."

"We don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

"Shaun, I've never..."

He was holding my hand.

"You've never what?"

"I've never you know."

"No, what?"

"Shaun, I'm still a... I've never made love... I've never slept with someone before."

"Ohhhh."

He pulled away and started to put his shirt back on.

"No, Shaun, don't. I'm sorry."

He took my hand again.

"You don't have anything to be sorry about."

"It's just..."

"You don't have to explain, Harleigh. I respect that."

"You do?"

"Yeah. So you've never?"

"Never. This is the furthest I've ever gone."

He looked guilty.

"I'm sorry. I probably rushed you into this."

"No, you didn't. Shaun, I love you."

"I can't believe you've never. Wow."

"I just want it to be with one person, and I want it to be really special."

"It should be special."

He looked even guiltier.

"I'm just not ready."

"That's OK, Harleigh. You're worth waiting for."

"Shaun..."

"Yeah?"

"How many women have you, you know, been with?"

"I don't... too many."

"Three?"

"Just too many when it wasn't special."

"How many, Shaun?"

"Harleigh..."

He couldn't make eye contact with me.

"How many?"

"It depends."

"On what?"

"On what you mean by been with."

"OK..."

"OK, Harleigh, I've only slept with maybe fifteen girls, but I've done a lot of stuff with a bunch of others."

He now didn't just look guilty – he looked ashamed.

"Only fifteen? Bunch of others?"

"They never meant anything. They were mistakes. I was messed up then."

I knew he had. I didn't want to admit to myself that he had.

"It's OK, Shaun."

"It is?"

"I understand. Do you?"

"Yeah, Harleigh, I understand."

"And this is OK with you?"

"Yeah, I've got two hands."

He grinned. I hit him.

* * *

Mike smiled at me when I walked in after school.

I hadn't seen him smile like that since before the accident.

"Mike, what happened?"

"He squeezed my hand today, Harleigh, I know he did."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"He looks a little bit better today, too. What did Jon say?" I moved over to Shaun's bed and took his hand in mine.

"He said it's a good sign. He wanted them to run some tests."

"He's gonna be fine, Mike, he's gonna be fine."

* * *

"So Shaun treats me now like I have the virginity plague."

Rose couldn't stop laughing.

"It's not a plague. It's not very widespread."

"You aren't helping, Rose."

"So what's he doing?"

"It's like he's afraid to touch or kiss or hold me now. It's weird."

"That's what happens when you're dating a tweenybopper twenty-something."

"Last night when I left his apartment, he gave me this ridiculous peck, this kiss like you would give your grandma."

"He's probably just confused about what the limits are of your hanky panky."

"I saw this TV show once where these men married virgins and then they didn't want to sleep with them. They wanted to keep them virginal so they were sleeping with all these other women."

"Sweetie, relax. Everything is going to be fine."

* * *

After the accident, I had left his things exactly where they were in my apartment.

His clothes. His razor. His things.

Jon made me breakfast one morning before school.

"Harleigh..."

"What?"

"Never mind."

"No, what? Is it about Shaun?"

"Kind of."

"Well, go ahead."

"Was Shaun living with you?"

His conservative colors were shining through.

"No."

"OK."

"Jon, we weren't sleeping together, either."

"I didn't ask."

* * *

I got another grandma kiss the next time we went out.

Shaun had walked me to my door after we had gone to a movie.

I wasn't going to let the night end that way.

"OK, Harleigh. Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Why did you just kiss me like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you were kissing your grandma."

"It's just... I don't..."

"Is this about the other night?"

"Yeah. I just don't want to rush you or push you or make you uncomfortable or..."

I was somewhat amazed that he was willing to go along with my 5 mile per hour relationship speed limit.

"Shaun, if you don't kiss me, really kiss me right here, right now, I'll..."

"You'll what?"

His arms wrapped around my waist.

"I'll have to kiss you, really kiss you."

"That's not very much of a threat."

He started on my neck and worked his way to my mouth.

"Satisfied, Harleigh?"

"Mmmmm hmmmm."

* * *

I rushed into his room with a bag under my arm.

The room was so sterile, so cold.

Shaun's eyes were still closed. The machines were still running.

I kissed his forehead.

"Hey, honey.

"Wait until you see what I brought you today."

I pulled out the stack of cards from the bag.

"Today in art class, Rose had my class make get well cards for you.

"I'm gonna hang them up here on your walls."

I held some up and read them.

"Look at this one Molly did.

"She drew you and me.

"And she wrote you have to get better so you can marry Miss Murphy."

* * *

Rose had gone to school with Shaun. She graduated two years before him.

She became my best friend almost as soon as I started teaching at the school.

"So, Miss Murphy, how's your man?"

"My man is fine, thank you."

"How long has it been now?"

"About a year and a half. Crazy isn't it?"

"Yeah, I never thought Shaun would have a relationship that lasted more than a month or two."

"I can't imagine him being any different than how he is now, but I know he was."

"I'm glad you never met that Shaun."

"Sometimes I wish I had."

"No, Harleigh, trust me, you don't."

"Rose, do you think it's too soon?"

"Too soon for what?"

"To know he's the one."

* * *

I was just sitting there, holding Shaun's hand when Mike came in.

He hugged me.

"How's he doing?"

"OK, I guess."

"Has his doctor been in tonight?"

"Not yet."

He sat down beside me and pulled a photo album out of his briefcase.

"I want to show you these."

"What are they?"

"Some pictures of Shaun before you met him. He'd probably kill me if he knew I was going to show these to you."

Mike flipped through the pages, and I saw the Shaun I never knew. Shaun in his Little League uniform. Shaun in Halloween outfits. Shaun at high school dances.

There was a picture of Shaun, Mike and their parents on the beach.

"When was this taken?"

"About a month before he died."

"I'm sorry, Mike."

"It's OK."

"Shaun looks so much like him."

"Yeah, he does."

I flipped through some more pictures. There was a picture of Mike and Shaun and a woman. It couldn't have been more than a couple years old.

"Who's this?"

"That's Meghen."

* * *

I was standing by the kitchen sink, chopping up some vegetables for a salad.

"Hey, Shaun, can I ask you something?"

He came in from the living room.

"Yeah, what?"

"Why doesn't Mike ever date?"

I saw his face change.

"What, Shaun? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. It's my fault, I guess."

"I don't understand."

"He dated this girl Meghen all through college and stuff. They moved in together and everything when they graduated. Then I came along."

"What happened?"

"I just messed it all up for him."

"I'm sure you didn't."

"No, Harleigh, I'm sure I did. I was out of control then. And they used to fight all the time about me. It wasn't real pretty."

"It wasn't your fault, I'm sure."

"Mike had proposed to her. She had the ring and everything. But then I started to get into harder drugs and stuff. Meghen said she wasn't ready to be the mom of an out-of-control teenager. She left him."

I couldn't believe what he was telling me.

"She just left him?"

"Yeah, she said she loved him, but she couldn't deal with this. She couldn't deal with me."

I threw the vegetables into the bowl.

"But what about now? You've been clean for a while now?"

"I think she moved to New York or something. She crushed Mike's heart."

* * *

Mike and I were both in Shaun's room one Friday night.

"How many weeks of school do you have left, Harleigh?"

"One more. Then I can spend more time with Shaun."

"Have you thought about it?"

"About what?"

"That this is it. That he's not gonna get any better."

I lied.

"No. He's gonna get better."

"Harleigh, you don't have to spend every day here."

"I love him, Mike."

"But, Harleigh..."

"Trying to push me away from him now isn't going to make it any easier."

"I know. I'm sorry."

* * *

It was almost Valentine's Day — the worst twenty-four hours for any single person.

"Shaun, I want to hook Mike up with someone."

"Uggghhh. You wanna play matchmaker?"

"Yeah, and I think she's perfect."

"Who is she?"

"She works with me. Her name's Sue."

"And you think she's perfect for Mike?"

"She's pretty. She's funny. She's really smart."

"I don't know, Harleigh."

"We could double date with them."

"It's just that..."

"Don't you think Mike is lonely sometimes or that he'd like to have someone to go out with once in a while? He practically lives in his office."

"He's just not over Meghen yet."

"But..."

"Harleigh, if you just left me all of a sudden, it would destroy me. Mike's still trying to pick up the pieces."

I looked at him and pouted.

"OK, you can ask him."

* * *

Mike was sitting with Shaun while Jon and I went down to the cafeteria.

"Harleigh, I've gotta head back home soon."

"OK."

"I don't want to leave you like this."

"I'm fine, Jon."

"You are not fine. You don't eat. You don't sleep. You're falling apart."

"School's almost out. Then it'll be better."

"Harleigh, he's not getting any better."

"But he's not getting any worse."

"Look..."

"No, Jon. Listen. They didn't think he would make it out of surgery. They didn't think he'd make it the first couple hours. He's gonna wake up."

"But what if he doesn't?"

"That's not going to happen."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because he wouldn't leave me."

* * *

Sue and I were sitting in the teachers' lounge the day after the big date.

We didn't double. I couldn't talk Shaun or Mike into that.

"So how did it go, Sue?"

"It went well; it went really well."

"Anything else you would like to tell me?"

"Mike's a great guy. He's the perfect gentleman. He's polite. He's funny. He seemed kind of nervous, though. But that was kind of sweet."

"He hasn't dated for a while."

"That's what he told me."

"So is there going to be a second date?"

"We're going out for coffee tonight."

* * *

I heard voices inside Shaun's room so I stood outside and waited.

"Mike, one of my friends called and told me what happened."

"He's doing OK."

"I'm so sorry, Mike."

"He was doing so much better. He was clean and sober. He's got this amazing girlfriend. Things were going really well for him."

"Sounds like he'd really changed."

"He wasn't the same Shaun you met."

"I'm so sorry about everything."

"It's OK, Meghen."

It hit me.

They kept on talking, and I could hear the pain in Mike's voice.

I knocked on the door and peeked inside.

I saw the tears in his eyes.

"Hey, Harleigh."

He wrapped his arms around me so tightly that I didn't think he was ever going to let go.

"Hey, Mike."

He kept ahold of my hand.

"Harleigh, this is Meghen."

* * *

Shaun and I were having Mike over for dinner.

"So how are things going with Sue?" I smiled at Mike.

Shaun stood up.

"I'm gonna clear the table, make myself useful or something."

"I think we're just gonna be friends, good friends."

"So it didn't work out?"

"I don't know. She's ready for a serious commitment. I'm not."

"I'm sorry."

"You did great, Harleigh. It's me."

* * *

"So that was Meghen?"

"Yup, that was Meghen." Mike's voice was distant.

I held onto Shaun's hand and wished I could hold onto his brother's at the same time.

"How are you doing, Mike?"

"I can't believe she came."

"Yeah."

"She said she was doing some business a couple hours from here. I haven't seen her since she left."

"Is she gonna be around for a while?"

"A couple days, I guess."

"Are you gonna see her again?"

"I don't know. I don't know if I can."

"I understand."

"Shaun blames himself for her leaving. But if we couldn't make it through that together, who knows how long we would have lasted?"

"You deserve someone special."

"Do I?"

* * *

Mike and I were making a surprise dinner for Shaun — he had gotten a promotion at work.

Mike came down to my apartment alone. He was going to ask someone he worked with to come.

"Where's Nina?"

"She's got a boyfriend."

"Ouch."

"Yeah, ouch."

"It'll be OK, Mike."

"Can you believe I always had a girlfriend during high school, college, always?"

"Of course, I can. You're a great guy."

"Now I have to scrounge around and I still can't find a date."

"That's not true."

"I think I'm cursed."

"You are not cursed."

"I am cursed."

"OK, Mike, why are you cursed?"

"Because I wasn't there for Shaun when he needed me. I was so busy with Meghen that I didn't see what he was slipping into."

"Don't do that, Mike."

"I cared more about that stupid bitch who split as soon as things got a little bit rough than I cared about my own brother."

"That's not true."

"Yeah, it is, Harleigh."

part ii

Even though Shaun's eyes were closed, I wondered how much of it he could see.

Me reading him cards my class had made him.

Jon checking in on him.

Meghen coming back and surprising Mike.

And I wondered what he thought of all of it.

I fell apart that day.

I watched the lines and numbers flash on machines that were keeping him alive.

I watched the slow steady drip of the IV.

I watched his eyes remain closed.

My heart – and my world – were shattered.

"Come on, Shaun, wake up.

"I know you can hear me.

"I love you so much."

My tears were falling onto his hand I was holding.

"You can't do this to me.

"You can't leave me.

"I love you so much."

I was starting to shake.

"What do you want me to do?

"I'll do it, whatever you want, I'll do it.

"Shaun, please wake up."

Nothing changed except I started to cry harder.

"Shaun, I can't take much more.

"I need you so much.

"I need you here with me."

Through my tears, I could barely see.

"Dammit, Shaun, please wake up.

"Wake up, please.

"Shaun..."

I felt Mike's arms wrap around me.

I buried my head in his chest and cried. And cried. And cried.

"Shhh. Harleigh, it's OK. I've got you."

"I can't do it anymore, Mike."

"I know. I know. He's gonna be OK."

"I love him so much. Why won't he wake up?"

He pulled me closer.

"He's fighting, Harleigh. He's fighting to come back to you."

* * *

The construction company Shaun worked for was helping out on a huge project about three hours away. Shaun was part of the crew that went.

He called me every night.

"Hey, Harleigh, it's me."

"I still recognize your voice, cutie."

"I miss you."

"I miss you, too."

"We're a little bit ahead of schedule so I'll be home in about a week."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. I think about you every day."

"I think about you every day."

"I love you, Harleigh."

"I love you, too."

"I'm coming home soon."

* * *

As I sat by Shaun's bed, my cellphone started to vibrate. It was Noah. I went out into the hall so I could talk to him.

"Noah, it's so good to hear from you."

"Jon's got me pretty worried about my favorite sister. How're you holding up?"

"I'm doing fine."

"You never were a very good liar."

"He's gonna wake up, Noah."

"I know he is, Harleigh. He's got you right there by his side."

"I need him to wake up. I can't have that fight be it. It can't end that way."

"It won't be."

* * *

We were just lying on my bed, and his arms were wrapped around me.

"This is perfect, Harleigh. This, just this. I don't want it to ever change."

"I love you, Shaun."

He kissed the top of my head.

"Harleigh, someday I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

My body began to tense. My mind began to race.

"I've been thinking about it a lot lately, Harleigh. I mean it doesn't have to be soon or anything, but I want to marry you."

In 2 ½ years, we had never talked about marriage. As a couple, we had been very much one-day-at-a-time kind of people.

I couldn't imagine marrying anyone but Shaun. But I was panicking. I didn't know how to react. I pulled away from him. I thought if I told Shaun I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, too, suddenly somehow it would all end.

My irrational thoughts overwhelmed my rational emotions.

"Hey, what's wrong, Harleigh?"

I sat up with my back to him.

"I've really never thought about it."

His voice sounded crushed.

"What?"

My tears started to fall as I realized what I'd said. But it was too late.

* * *

It was about 3 a.m. that Saturday morning, about three weeks after the accident. Mike was asleep in a chair.

I was holding Shaun's hand, just watching him – I was supposed to have left hours ago, but I hadn't.

I barely noticed at first or else I just thought my tired eyes were deceiving me.

So I looked again.

His eyelashes were starting to flutter.

I kissed his hand.

"Shaun..."

Slowly his eyes opened.

I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes, but it was pointless.

"Shaun, oh my God. I love you so much."

His eyes looked blank.

"Mike, Mike! He's awake."

"What?"

Mike stood up and looked down at his brother.

"Hey, Shaun."

"I knew he was gonna be OK, Mike; I knew he was gonna be OK."

"I'm gonna go get a nurse."

Shaun just kept looking up at me.

"I love you, Shaun."

* * *

It all confused me — falling in love with Shaun.

I had had a two-year relationship in college with a guy named Ron.

But I didn't love him. I could have lived in passive congenial bliss with him forever.

I wanted more.

With Shaun I thought it was love. I knew it was love.

"Rose, it's happening."

"What's happening, Harleigh?"

"The love thing."

"You're falling in love with him, aren't you?"

"I think so."

"What do you mean you think so?"

"How do I know? I've never loved loved someone before."

"What about Ron?"

"Not even Ron."

"I think you'll know if it's love."

"What if I'm just being stupid?"

"How do you feel, Harleigh?"

"I feel like a mess. Like I can't stop thinking about him. Like he's the best friend I've ever had when I haven't even known him a year. Like we seem to just click."

"So I think you know."

"I know I know. I just wanted a second opinion."

* * *

Mike and I had gone for a walk outside after all the doctors and nurses had rushed into Shaun's room.

Mike squeezed my hand.

"I've never been so happy to see my brother's eyes before."

"I know. I saw his eyelashes starting to flutter. Then his eyes opened."

"Do you think he knew where he was?"

"I don't think so, Mike."

"I wish they would let us back in."

"He needs us there."

"What do you think they're doing to him?" I could tell Mike was trying to hold back his tears.

"I don't know. I bet he's scared."

"Harleigh, he's awake."

* * *

The first time Shaun spent the night I felt guilty.

Nothing happened. I just fell asleep cuddled up beside him.

I woke up early, and he was still sound asleep.

He looked so peaceful, like he didn't carry any of his past with him.

I don't know how long I watched him before he started to wake up.

He smiled when he saw me watching him.

"Good morning, Shaun."

"Morning, Harleigh."

"I was just watching you sleep."

"I watched you last night."

"Hey, Shaun."

"Hey what?"

"I'm glad you stayed."

He pulled me close to him and kissed the top of my head.

"I like just holding you."

"I like when you hold me."

He got out of bed and slipped his jeans on over his boxers.

"You stay put, Harleigh. I'm making you breakfast in bed."

Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts.

* * *

Dr. Matthews looked at Mike and me, almost in disbelief.

"That's one strong guy in that room there."

"Is my brother gonna be OK?" Mike's voice was full of fear.

"I can't promise you anything."

"But what about permanent injuries? Is there any kind of brain damage?" Mike's voice was now overflowing with fear.

"None of the tests have shown any. He's got some internal injuries that are going to take awhile to heal. But he's awake."

That's what I kept telling myself.

He's awake.

One step at a time.

* * *

I was correcting spelling tests when I heard my doorbell.

It was Shaun.

He kissed me after I opened the door.

Something was wrong.

"Hey, Shaun."

"It isn't OK that I'm here. I probably should have called or texted. You're probably busy."

I took his hand.

"No, you know you never need to call."

We sat down on the couch.

He looked at the stickers I was putting on the spelling tests.

"I never got stickers when I was in little kid school."

"Do you wanna tell me what's wrong?"

"I went to my meeting tonight."

His AA meeting.

"Did something happen?"

"There's this guy there. He comes to every meeting."

"Did something happen to him?"

"He's been sober for ten years, ten years. He messed up, Harleigh. He messed up bad this weekend."

"He drank again?"

"After ten years."

I wasn't sure how this all related to him.

"I count every day, Harleigh."

"I know you do."

"I can never stop counting those days, every day because it's never going to go away."

* * *

Mike waited outside in the hallway. He wanted to give me a couple minutes alone with Shaun.

His eyes were closed again.

I took his hand.

"Hey, cutie.

"I'm so glad you're back.

"I missed you so much.

"You know how much I love you."

His eyes slowly opened again.

I started to cry again.

"Hi, Shaun."

He just looked back up at me.

"Don't be scared.

"Mike and I are right here.

"We haven't left you.

"You gave us a pretty big scare."

His eyes closed again.

"We thought we lost you."

I saw his tears starting to fall.

I ran my hand down along his jaw.

"Don't cry, Shaun. You're gonna be just fine. You're gonna be just fine."

* * *

I made Shaun go shopping with me.

I think that's a sign of true love.

His hands were full, carrying my bags.

"So we're done now, right?" It had been at least an hour since he had smiled.

"We're just getting started."

"You're kidding right? Harleigh?"

"I'm kidding. One more store."

"One more store?"

"If you're good, I'll buy you a pretzel and ICEE when we're done."

"Are you trying to bribe me?"

"Maybe."

"Harleigh, I'm going to die of exhaustion soon."

I led the way into Banana Republic.

"I think you'll make it."

* * *

For about the next week, things didn't change much.

Shaun still couldn't talk to us. But his eyes would open.

Those were the moments I waited for.

I had just come back from getting lunch, and his eyes were open.

The tears were pouring out of them.

I took his hand in mine.

"I'm here, Shaun.

"Don't cry; please, don't cry."

His eyes didn't seem so blank now. They seemed to recognize me.

"Your doctor says you're getting stronger every day."

He squeezed my hand.

"I bet it hurts a lot, huh?

"But it's gonna be OK. I'm right here, Shaun. I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

It was a warm spring night, and Shaun and I went for a walk in the park.

I wrapped my arm around his.

"Hey, Shaun."

"Hey what?"

"Who was your first?"

He stopped walking.

"What did you just ask me?"

I grinned.

"Who did you lose your virginity to?"

"Why? Do you think you know her?"

"I'm curious."

"Her name was Beth. I was seventeen. She was 19."

"An older woman? Interesting."

"It was bad, Harleigh, real bad."

"That's nice. I don't want details."

"I had no clue what I was doing. And she was... she was experienced. God, it was fuckin' awful."

"But you still remember it?"

"Yeah, no matter how bad it is, it's something that sticks with you."

"I shouldn't have asked you this."

"I'm not gonna leave you because you're not ready yet."

He put his arm around me.

"After all, I am the king of abstinence."

* * *

Mike was sitting beside his bed, reading the newspaper when I went into Shaun's room.

He had a funny smile on his face.

"Morning, Harleigh."

"Hey, Mike, how'd he sleep last night?"

"Good. He slept the whole night. He's awake now."

I looked at him and saw his brown eyes looking back up at me.

"I'm gonna go talk to his doctor, Harleigh."

I took Shaun's hand.

"I'll stay with him."

Mike smiled at his brother as he left.

"Guess what I brought you today."

Shaun just looked up at me.

"I brought some of your favorite movies.

"We can spend the day watching them.

"What do you say?"

I had walked over to window to let some light in, and it scared me.

"Hey, Harleigh."

It was soft and weak, but it was his voice.

I went back over to his side and tried to wipe the tears from my eyes.

"Hey what?"

"I love you."

* * *

My brother Greg and his wife, Ann, had just had their second baby, Mona. Jack was three.

Shaun and I had gone to visit them and offered to watch the kids so they could go out for the night.

I sat on the couch holding Mona. Jack had fallen asleep on Shaun's lap. Shaun looked afraid to move.

"Shaun, why don't you take Jack up to bed?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, just pick him up and carry him up the stairs. You can do it."

He tried not to wake him, but Jack's sleepy eyes looked up at him.

Jack kissed Shaun's cheek.

"Love you, Shaun."

Shaun wrapped his arms around him and carried him upstairs.

"Love you too, little guy."

When he came back downstairs, he was grinning.

"I tucked him in and everything."

"He likes you a lot."

"That's because I'm just a little kid, too."

I stood up.

"Here, hold Mona while I go get her bottle."

"Harleigh, I don't think I should."

"What?"

"She's so tiny. I might break her."

"You're crazy. Sit down."

He sat down, and I put her in his arms.

She yawned and stretched her arms out.

"Harleigh, look at how little her fingers are. And she doesn't have any teeth."

"Most babies her age don't, silly boy."

"I've never held a baby before."

I came back with the bottle.

Mona was asleep in his arms.

"You have a way with her."

"I have a way with all the women."

He was grinning.

* * *

Shaun had just fallen asleep so I went out into the hall to call Jon.

"Jon, are you busy?"

"No, I just finished with a patient. How's your patient doing?"

"I think he's doing pretty good."

"I really didn't think he was going to make it."

"He's talking a little bit to us now, not a lot but a little bit."

"That's a good sign. How are you holding up?"

"I'm OK."

"Harleigh, he's got a long road ahead of him – and he's going to need you so much. He's still got to heal and then physical therapy. Some of the hard stuff is just beginning."

"Will you call Mike tomorrow after his doctor visits and translate it all for me?"

"You got it."

* * *

My brother Drew was the closest in age to me after Noah. He was the one who got along with Shaun the best.

Drew had come to spend a week with me, and we had gone over to Shaun's for dinner.

Drew and Shaun were outside talking. I could hear them, and maybe I shouldn't have listened but I did.

"So things are going well with you and Harleigh?"

"Yeah, things are really good now. Your sister's amazing."

"She really loves you."

"Sometimes I wonder why or what I did to deserve her."

"Don't do that, Shaun."

"But there's just so much shit, basically all the reasons that Jon hates me."

Drew and Jon never had the best relationship.

"What does Jon know? Is the guy even married?"

I heard Shaun laugh.

"That's a good point."

"Besides you've got me, Noah and Greg."

"What about you? How are things with Beth?"

"Not good. I'm not ready to be serious, serious yet."

"I never thought I would be"

"Until you met Harleigh?"

"Yeah, until I met Harleigh."

* * *

"You know, Shaun, you weren't nearly as handsome when they first brought you in here."

He tried to give me a smile.

"I still loved you, though."

I took his hand and held it against my face.

"I've missed having my Shaun around."

"I'm here."

I smiled.

"Yup, you're here. Did you know I was here with you all along?"

He nodded.

"Did you know Jon was here, too?"

He shook his head.

"You've had a lot of visitors. You're a pretty popular guy."

His eyes were starting to close.

I kissed his forehead.

"And a pretty sleepy one."

* * *

I had heard Shaun talk about his friends at work. But I had never met them. I didn't know whether Shaun was trying to hide me or them.

"Shaun, why don't we have a cookout and invite your friends from work over?"

"Nahh, I don't think so."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to."

"Why?"

"Why what? What's going on, Harleigh?"

"It's just that you're always telling me about them and stuff, but I've never met them."

"They just aren't... I don't know. I just don't think it's a great idea."

"But they're your friends."

"I work with them. You've met my friend friends."

"Well, I wanna meet your work friends."

"But I'm afraid of what you'll think."

* * *

Shaun's doctor wanted to meet with Mike and me.

I wasn't sure about what. And that kind of scared me.

Dr. Matthews looked at both of us.

"Don't look so scared. This is a good talk, not a bad one."

We both smiled.

"I just wanted to talk to you about Shaun's progress. He's doing great. His recovery has actually really surprised me."

Mike looked at him.

"He's gonna be fine, though, right?"

"It's looking like he's going to make close to a full recovery."

"Close to? What does that mean?" There was panic in Mike's voice.

"Mike, you know I can't promise you anything. Shaun's showing improvement every day. But he's not just going to wake up one morning and be exactly how he was before the accident."

Mike asked what we were both thinking.

"What do you mean?"

"It's going to take some time. He's going to have to go through a lot of therapy. It could be months. It could be a year. It could be years. I don't know."

"Mike and I are both ready to be there for him for as long as it takes."

"He's going to need both of you."

I knew it wasn't the smartest question, but I still had to ask it.

"Dr. Matthews, when can he come home?"

"Not for a while yet, Harleigh, not for a while."

* * *

Shaun was helping me make Christmas cookies for a party we were having at my apartment.

"Shaun, you're not eating those cookies are you?"

He tried to talk with his mouth full.

"Of course not."

"Your job is to ice them not eat them."

"Icing them is hard work. It's making me hungry."

I turned around in time to see him putting another cookie in his mouth.

"I caught you."

He chewed and swallowed as fast as he could.

"What? What did you catch me doing?"

I wiped a glop of icing away from the corner of his mouth.

"Look at this."

He stuck his finger in the frosting and wiped it across my neck.

"Shaun, really?"

"Look at this, Harleigh. I better do something about it."

He started to kiss my neck.

"Shaun..."

"You just had some frosting on you."

"I wonder how it got there."

"I don't know, but I'm glad I could help you get it off."

"I bet you are."

"Do I need a piece of mistletoe to make you kiss me, Harleigh?"

"I've got cookies in the oven."

"They aren't done yet."

"But they will be in a little while."

"So I can kiss you for a little while."

"I'm going to tell Santa you've been a very naughty boy."

"You do that. I've already got everything I want."

* * *

I thought Shaun was sleeping so his voice surprised me.

"Harleigh..."

"Hey, it's late. You should be sleeping."

"My hand..."

"I know."

"I can't move it."

"I know."

"I can't move it."

"Shhh... relax. It's gonna be OK."

"Promise?"

"Yeah, I promise."

"I'm not tired."

I smiled.

"That's because you sleep all day, silly boy."

"Hey Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"Will you hold my hand?"

* * *

I can remember the first time Shaun held my hand almost as clearly as the first time he kissed me.

We had gone to a movie and then to the park for a walk.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey, what?"

"Did you like the movie?"

I didn't think that was his intended question.

"Yeah, what about you?"

"Yeah, I did. Soooo..."

"Sooo, Shaun..."

"Maybe we can do something again... sometime... soon."

"I think I'd like that."

"OK."

"OK."

He didn't say anything. But I felt his hand brush up against mine and then take ahold of it.

I stopped walking.

"Harleigh..."

I just looked at his hand holding mine.

"Harleigh, what's wrong?"

"You're holding my hand."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have"

"No, I don't want you to let go."

"OK."

"I like that you're holding my hand."

"Good, I thought I was going to get Maced or something."

* * *

I held it behind my back.

His eyes were open, but he wasn't smiling when I came through the door.

"I've got a surprise for my favorite patient."

"For me?"

His face was filled with pain.

"You OK, Shaun? What's wrong?'

"It just hurts."

"What hurts? Do you need me to get a nurse?"

"No."

"Shaun, are you OK?"

"What about my surprise?"

"Do you feel up to eating a Popsicle?"

"Are you gonna help me?"

I sat down on the edge of his bed.

"You know I will."

* * *

My class had voted on having a roller-skating party for our end-of-the-year celebration. It was on a Saturday so Shaun offered to come along and help. He didn't tell me he had never skated before.

My class was in the middle of the rink doing the Hokey Pokey.

I sat down on a bench beside Shaun.

"Sweetie, you aren't skating."

"I don't want to bust out my skills quite yet."

"You can't skate can you?"

"No."

"You can't skate?"

"No, and can you please not say it any louder? I've got an image to maintain." He was grinning.

"How could you have never learned to skate?"

"I don't know. Mike was like the roller-skating king. I wanted my own identity or something like that."

"You're full of it. Come on. We're getting you some skates right now."

"Harleigh, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"All these little kids will be zooming past me."

"I'll make sure they don't knock you over."

* * *

Mike was avoiding telling me something.

I could tell when he did it. I could tell when Shaun did it.

"Out with it, Mike."

"Out with what?"

"Whatever it is that you're not telling me."

"You're good, Harleigh."

"I know."

"Dr. Matthews thinks it might be a good idea for Shaun to start seeing a counselor."

"What? Why?"

"I guess kind of as a proactive measure. He said when recovery takes as long as it's going to in Shaun's case that there usually tends to be some kind of depression, and you know, with Shaun's past and everything he thinks it would be a good idea."

"What do you think?"

"I think Shaun and counselors just don't get along too well."

"What do you mean?"

"It was almost impossible to find one that he would go to and talk to when he was trying to get clean."

"I don't think he's going to need one."

"You don't?"

"He's got us."

* * *

It was during the first year we were dating. I saw Shaun's truck at his apartment when I was driving home from work. I decided to stop.

When he answered the door, his eyes were red.

I took him in my arms.

"Hey, sweetie. What's wrong? What happened?"

"I'm fine. Come in."

All the lights in his apartment were off. All the curtains were closed.

"Shaun, what's going on?"

"Today's the day she died."

His mom.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

"I know. I didn't tell you."

"What can I do? Do you want to talk? I'll listen."

"I miss her every day, but today more than any other."

"I'm so sorry."

"Harleigh, I don't want to dump all this on you."

"That's what I'm here for."

* * *

Mike was waiting outside Shaun's room.

"What's going on in there? His doctor?"

Mike grinned and shook his head.

"Our patient isn't a very happy camper right now.

"They're giving him a bath or something like that."

I giggled.

"Ohhh, I see."

"You know that's a big deal for a guy not to be able to do stuff like that."

"I don't know from personal experience, but I can understand."

The nurses came out looking a bit frazzled. Mike looked at them.

"Can we go in now?"

"He's all yours."

His head was turned, looking out the window. His tears were falling on the pillow. And he was shaking.

Mike tried first.

"Look at you; they got you all spiffied up for Harleigh here. Got you all shaved and everything."

Shaun didn't say anything. Mike just looked at me, not knowing what to do.

I bent over and kissed Shaun's cheek.

"Shaun, what's wrong?"

"Everything."

I took his hand.

"I love you."

"I wanna go home. I just wanna go home."

* * *

Greg was having surgery and was going to be in the hospital for about a week. Jack was going to stay with us, and Mona was going to stay with Ann's sister.

Jack hadn't let go of Shaun since we picked him up.

Shaun had put him to bed about an hour ago and was holding me on the couch when Jack ran into the room. He jumped up into Shaun's arms.

"Hey, buddy, what's wrong?"

Jack was crying.

"I want my daddy."

"Your daddy's not feeling too good right now."

"I wanna go home."

Shaun pulled him closer.

"Don't you want to stay here with me and Harleigh for a while?"

Jack shook his head.

"But we were gonna go to the park and the zoo and the beach."

"The beach?"

"Yup, the beach."

"With sand?"

"Yup, with sand."

Jack was starting to smile.

"Can I bury you, Shaun?"

Shaun lifted Jack up above his head.

"Can you bury me? Is that what you asked me?"

Jack was giggling too hard to answer.

"How about we bury Harleigh?"

"Let's bury Aunt Harleigh!"

Shaun turned and grinned at me.

"What do you say, Harleigh?"

With both of them smiling at me, it was hopeless.

* * *

During most of our relationship, it seemed like it was hard to find a time when Shaun wasn't smiling.

Now it seemed hard to find anything that could make him smile.

"Shaun, do you want me to open your curtains? It's so pretty out today."

"No."

"Do you want me to go get you some juice?"

"No."

"I love you."

He didn't say anything.

I moved to his side.

"You know that, right?"

He closed his eyes.

"Shaun, I love you."

"How?"

"How what?"

"How can you love me like this?"

* * *

It was a couple weeks before Shaun's accident. Rose and I were in the teachers' lounge.

"Harleigh, what's wrong? Did you sleep at all last night?"

"I'm fine."

"Did you and Shaun have another fight?"

I nodded.

"You guys have been fighting an awful lot lately. What's up?"

"I don't know. He's been on this kick lately about how I can't really love him because he's a construction worker, because of the drinking and drugs, because of... he just makes up the dumbest reasons."

"What was it last night?"

"Jon called, and he answered the phone."

"Not good, huh?"

"I thought we were past this. I thought he knew how much I loved him. I thought he knew that none of that stuff mattered. What happened?"

"Maybe it didn't happen. Maybe it's going to happen."

"What?"

"Maybe he's testing the waters."

"Rose, I don't understand."

"Maybe he's getting ready to propose."

* * *

Dr. Matthews had come to take a look at his patient. I went to wait in the hallway.

My mind was a million miles away.

But suddenly Mike was standing right beside me.

"Harleigh..."

I heard him, but I didn't really hear him.

"Harleigh..."

"Oh, Mike. His doctor's with him now."

"Are you OK?"

"This is a lot harder than I thought."

"I know."

"He's so far away, Mike. And I don't know what to do."

"He thinks you just feel sorry for him."

"What? Did he tell you that?"

Mike nodded.

"We talked a little bit last night."

"Well, what else did he say?"

"Harleigh, he feels useless. All these people have to take care of him, do the stuff he used to be able to do for himself. It's really hard for him right now."

"But it doesn't matter."

"I know that. You know that. But you know how Shaun is."

"What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to convince him?"

"I wish I knew."

* * *

I came home from work one night in February, and Shaun was sitting at the kitchen table with papers everywhere.

I came up from behind him and kissed him.

"Hey, sweetie. What's all this?"

"Well, I didn't want to tell you until it was official."

"Until what was official?"

"I got accepted to school."

"What? Where?"

"At State. I've been thinking about it for a while. I want to take some classes and stuff."

"What?"

"Aren't you excited for me?"

I wrapped my arms around him.

"Of course I am. I just didn't know you were thinking about this. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I wanted to surprise you."

"Shaun, you aren't doing this because you think I want you to, are you?"

"Harleigh... never mind. Just forget it."

"Forget what? Tell me."

"I've listened to Jon for two years tell you how you deserve so much better. So I'm trying to be something better."

"That's Jon talking not me."

"But you listen to him."

"I don't listen to anything he says when it comes to you."

"It's pretty hard not to. He says it so much."

"Shaun, what's going on?"

"Nothing. I just thought you would be excited about this."

"I am excited if this is what you want."

"It is what I want. Don't you think I even know what I want? Do you think I need you or Jon to tell me?"

"Stop it, Shaun. I don't want to fight with you."

"Just forget it. I'll be your little construction worker forever."

I started to cry.

"Why are you doing this? What's happening to us?"

He just looked at me.

"Why are we fighting so much now? I love you, Shaun. I don't want to fight with you."

He took me in his arms.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know what's been wrong with me lately. I just want to be good for you."

"You are good for me."

"I don't think so."

* * *

The silence was getting to me. It was starting to eat away at me.

I knew he wasn't asleep.

He knew I wasn't really reading the book I held in front of me.

"Shaun..."

"Hmmm?"

"I was so scared."

He didn't say anything. I didn't want him to.

"I didn't know what I was going to do if you didn't wake up. I thought of all the little things I was going to miss about you.

"The way you fixed me Pop-Tarts and called it breakfast in bed.

"The way your big toes stuck out of practically every pair of your white socks.

"The way you sang along to every song in the car even if you didn't know the words."

"I always knew the words, Harleigh."

"I don't know what would have happened if I lost you."

"You didn't."

* * *

I was eyeing Shaun's socks as we sat on the couch watching a movie.

As usual his big toe was sticking out of his right sock.

"Are you checking out my feet, Harleigh?"

"Not your feet, just your toe."

"Do you like that?"

"Don't you have any socks without holes?"

"Yeah, but these ones are worn in. They're comfortable."

"Comfy? Hmmmmm."

"Hmmmmm what?"

"I'm just thinking how nice that big toe would look with some bright red nail polish on it."

"I was thinking a light pink might go better with my skin tones." He was grinning.

* * *

I could hear Shaun screaming as I walked down the hall.

"Take the damn thing out! Take it out!"

Mike was trying to calm him down.

"Shaun, relax, buddy. They can't take it out."

"Fuck it! Take this damn tube out of my dick now."

It was now the nurse's turn.

"Shaun, you have to calm down. We have to..."

"No! No, you fuckin' don't. I can piss on my own. Please."

The nurse was very matter-of-fact.

"Mr. Parker, this is what's best for you until you're stronger."

When she switched from Shaun to Mr. Parker, I knew this wasn't good.

"Please, take it out. Take the damn thing out or I'll fuckin' take it out myself!"

I could hear the tears in his voice.

"We can't." The nurse's voice was cold. "Mr. Parker, if you don't calm down and relax, I will sedate you."

"Are you fuckin' threatening me?"

"Mr. Parker, you need to relax and watch your language."

"Mike, make them. Please. Mike, come on."

"Shaun, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

* * *

I was lying on top of Shaun on the couch. My head was resting on his chest.

I squirmed around to get a little bit more comfortable.

Then I felt it.

I sat up.

"Shaun, control yourself."

"Control myself?"

He grabbed a pillow.

"Don't you think I have any hormones?"

I tried not to laugh. It didn't work.

"And don't give me that all innocent look — grinding your hips against me like that, Harleigh."

"You have hormones, really?"

"Yeah, and they're raging right now — BIG time."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.

"I love you, Shaun."

"Yeah, yeah, just make the situation worse."

* * *

Jon's phone was ringing on the other end.

"Dr. Murphy."

"Jon, it's Harleigh. Are you busy?"

"No, I'm never too busy for you. How's Shaun?"

"He's getting better, but he's kind of going through a funk."

"A funk?"

"Yeah, he's tired of being in the hospital and stuff."

"How much longer does his doctor think he'll be there?"

"He's not sure."

I hesitated. I didn't know how to ask it. But I did.

"Hey, Jon, I need some medical advice."

"What's wrong?'

"Nothing's wrong. Umm. Ugghh. I don't know how to put this."

"Just ask me."

"Well, can I... can I kiss him?"

I think he nearly dropped the phone.

"Harleigh, no wonder he's been going through a funk."

"What?"

"Yes, yes, you can kiss him."

"I don't mean on the cheek or the forehead."

"Yes, Harleigh, yes. Kiss him. Kiss him. Doctor's orders."

* * *

I think it probably took Shaun at least three weeks before he tried to kiss me.

It was probably my reaction to his hand-holding attempt that scared him off.

We were standing at my door that night.

"I had a really good time tonight, Harleigh."

His hands were stuffed into his pockets.

"So did I. I always do with you."

"Ummmm, Harleigh, would I get slapped if I tried to kiss you right now?"

"Ummmm, you'd probably get slapped if you didn't try to kiss me right now."

* * *

We were watching a TV movie. I looked to make sure the door was shut. Then I picked up the remote and turned the TV off.

Shaun looked at me.

"Hey, what'd you do that for?"

I sat on the edge of his bed.

"I've missed you."

"You spend every day and night with me."

"No, Shaun, I've missed you."

I put my hands on his chest. I could feel his heart start to race through the thin material of the hospital gown.

I ran my hands along his chest.

"Harleigh, what are you doing?"

I put my finger against his lips.

"Shhh."

I started to kiss his neck.

I could tell he was nervous. His heart was racing. His body was tensing. His hand was shaking.

I took his left hand and ran it along the side of my face.

And I kissed his fingers.

"Harleigh..."

He couldn't get any more words out.

I started to kiss his neck again.

"I love you so much, Harleigh."

I looked into his eyes.

"I love you, too."

Then my lips found his.

We were both nervous at first. But that didn't last long.

At last I pulled away.

I looked at him.

He was grinning.

* * *

I could always tell when Shaun was up to something. His grin gave him away.

He showed up one Thursday night at my apartment.

"Come on, Harleigh. We're going out."

"Where are we going?"

"I can't tell you that."

"What are you up to?"

"What am I up to? Nothing. Come on, let's go."

"Where are we going?"

"Didn't you already ask me that?"

"And I didn't get an answer."

"I promise you'll have a good time. Come on, we're gonna be late."

"You're not going to tell me?"

"I'm not going to tell you."

He was practically pulling me out the door.

It wasn't until we were both in his truck driving toward town that I asked again.

"So can you tell me now?"

"Well, you're always talking about how you want to meet my friends from work, right?"

"And you never let me meet them."

"Well, tonight is your lucky night. It's their bowling night."

"You're taking me bowling? Don't you remember what happened the last time we went bowling?"

"I have no clue what you're talking about."

I started to laugh.

"I killed you. I cremated you. I destroyed you. You only bowled a 53. And now you're going to take me bowling in front of your friends?"

"I think you dreamed that up, Harleigh."

"You know it happened."

"I have no recollection of it."

"Then I'll just have to give you a reminder tonight."

* * *

I held the cup of orange juice for him so he could sip out of the straw.

"Shaun, I've been thinking."

"You're on vacation. You're not supposed to think."

He seemed to be in a good mood.

"I've been thinking that once you get checked out of this place, you should move in with me."

"What?"

"Well, I could keep an eye on you. And Mike wouldn't be far away either. And it's kind of the next logical step, isn't it?"

"The next logical step of what?"

"Our relationship."

I walked toward the window so he couldn't see my face.

"I mean we practically live together anyway. Why not just make it official?"

"Harleigh, stop."

"I want you to come live with me."

"I can't do that to you."

"Shaun..."

"No, Harleigh, you don't have to take care of me."

"I want to take care of you."

"Mike already said he wants me to move in for a while with him."

I walked over to the bed and took his hand.

"Shaun, I'm not talking for a while. I'm talking for good."

* * *

Rose and I were driving home from doing some weekend shopping.

"Rose, I think I'm going crazy."

"I'm pretty sure you aren't going crazy."

"Look at what I bought."

I pulled out the bridal magazine.

"He asked you and you didn't tell me?"

"No, he hasn't asked me. That's why I'm crazy."

"You aren't crazy."

"He probably hasn't even thought about it."

"Harleigh, I seriously doubt that. Look at the two of you."

"You think he's thought about it?"

"I know he's thought about it."

* * *

Mike and I were at Shaun's apartment, starting to pack up some of his things to start moving them into my place.

I couldn't believe we were going to do this. I couldn't believe we had waited this long.

I was in the bedroom, and I could hear Mike's voice coming from the living room.

"Now, Harleigh, remember I'm just gonna be a couple doors away if you guys need anything."

"We don't even have him home yet."

"But when you do..."

"When I do, I'm gonna give you a key so you can come over whenever you want."

"I know you're going to take good care of my brother."

"I'm gonna try my best."

I had finished packing the clothes in Shaun's dresser and closet. I started to clean out his desk.

In his top drawer, I saw it: a little black jewelry box.

I didn't want to open it. I knew I shouldn't open it.

But I did.

And there it was, the ring, my engagement ring.

I started to cry.

"Harleigh..."

I kept crying.

"Harleigh..."

Mike's voice was now in the bedroom.

He took the ring out of my hand.

"I don't think you were supposed to find this. Let's just pretend you didn't see this, OK?"

"He was going to propose to me? He was going..."

"Yeah, Harleigh, he was. He loves you."

"You knew?"

"I knew."

"And I told him I couldn't even imagine marrying him."

"Harleigh..."

"He was going to propose to me, Mike, and I..."

Mike took me in his arms and let me cry.

* * *

I was on the phone with Drew.

He was having relationship problems with Beth again. It seemed like they were fighting more than they weren't.

"She's so into commitment, Harleigh, and that scares me."

"Why?"

"Because it does. Maybe it's a guy thing or something."

"Do you love her?"

"I don't know. I don't think so."

"Why are you with her then?"

"I like spending time with her, you know?"

"Like a friend?"

"Yeah, but I don't have sex like that with my other friends."

"Drew..."

"Sorry. It's just all physical for me right now, but she wants more."

"You should want something more for yourself whether it's with Beth or someone else."

"You're so lucky to have what you have with Shaun."

"You'll find someone, Drew."

"I'm giving up."

"You don't mean that."

"How do you know?"

"Because that's what I told myself after I broke up with Ron. And look at me now."

"Yeah, look at you now. Way to make me feel better, little sister."

* * *

It had been building up in me. I knew I had to say something.

But I also knew I had to wait until Shaun was ready.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"I'm gonna get to go home soon, go home with you."

"As soon as you're strong enough. Shaun, you still aren't eating or walking much."

"But I will soon. And then I can go home with you."

I saw how happy his eyes looked, and I didn't want to do it. But I knew I had to.

"Shaun, can we talk?"

"Yeah, what's wrong?" He looked worried.

"Nothing's wrong. But we need to talk about"

Even without my saying it, he knew.

"About our fight?"

I nodded.

"Harleigh, it's OK."

"No, it's my fault."

He reached for my hand.

"Harleigh, none of this is your fault."

"I lied to you. I flipped out like the neurotic fool that I am. I love you so much, and I think about marrying you every day."

I was starting to cry.

"I don't know why I said what I said. Maybe I thought it was all too perfect, and it was going to end. Maybe because I couldn't really believe it was all happening to me."

I tried to wipe my eyes, but the tears wouldn't stop.

Shaun was grinning, but I could still see the pain in his eyes.

"I knew you were lying the whole time."

I hit his foot.

"Who's lying now?"

* * *

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"I have a confession to make."

"Uh huh?"

I could tell by his grin that whatever it was, he wasn't serious.

"I have eight children to ten women."

I tried not to laugh too hard.

"You're such a liar."

He tried not to snicker too hard.

"I'm not lying. You know in my wild days."

"Shaun..."

"What?"

"Eight children to ten women?"

"Yup."

I kissed his forehead.

"Math wasn't your best subject was it?"

* * *

I had the official job of being the wheelchair pusher that day.

The nurses had helped Shaun get into the chair.

But it was my job to push him.

He looked pale, shaky. But he was smiling.

I leaned down and kissed his cheek.

"You let me know if we go too far, OK?"

"So where are we off to?"

"I think I will take you to the end of the hall."

"What an adventure."

"Do I detect some sarcasm, Shaun?"

"I'm just glad to be out of that room and not be headed somewhere for someone to poke and prod me."

We stopped at the window at the end of the hall.

"Harleigh, am I gonna be OK?"

"Of course. What are you talking about?"

"Well everything. Am I gonna be like this forever?"

"You're gonna be fine."

He didn't say anything. He just looked at me like he didn't believe a word I was saying.

"You're coming home with me. And you're gonna be fine."

* * *

Last winter Shaun got the chicken pox. He swore he had them when he was little. Mike says he didn't.

He was covered in them.

I stopped over every day after school to check on my patient.

"Hey, sweetie. How are you doing?"

"I'm dying."

"You aren't dying."

"I'm so itchy. And they're everywhere, Harleigh, everywhere."

"I'll go get some stuff to stop the itching."

"It won't help."

"Yes, it will."

"My itchiness is beyond help."

"You're going to be fine. In a couple days, they'll crust over."

"Oh, that sounds real pleasant, something I should really look forward to."

"They won't itch then."

"But they itch now."

"Sweetie, you're gonna be fine."

"That's easy for you to say."

* * *

I stood holding Mike's hand as the physical therapist guided Shaun back into the room.

His legs looked like they were shaking.

"Just take it slow, Shaun, just take it one step at a time."

It was hard for me to watch all of this even when I realized just how far Shaun had come.

His movements were slow and labored.

But he smiled.

"And I used to run five miles every day."

Mike and I both burst out laughing.

His physical therapist just looked at us.

"Don't believe a word my brother tells you. Five miles — ha! That's a good one, Shaun."

His physical therapist noticed how much pain there was on Shaun's face. He helped ease him down onto his bed.

"We don't want to overdo it in one day. You'll have plenty more therapy sessions after this one."

Shaun looked genuinely surprised. Mike and I were surprised that he was surprised.

"What?"

"Shaun, you've got a long road of therapy ahead of you. Your hand, your knee, just to get you back to how you were before the accident."

"Well, how long?"

I tried to interrupt this.

"Shaun..."

"I can't tell you how long. However long it takes."

"Ohh."

* * *

It was a date I remembered just like Shaun's birthday or our anniversary: his sobriety date. He didn't tell me it was coming up. I didn't let him know I knew.

I had made us a reservation at Elliott's, one of the nicest restaurants in town.

"Harleigh, this steak is amazing."

I took his hand and kissed his cheek.

"You're pretty amazing yourself."

"What's going on? You're not going to break up with me or something, are you?"

"Three years, Shaun. I'm so proud of you."

He looked away.

"I didn't think you remembered."

"I remembered."

"You didn't have to do all of this."

"I know, but I wanted to."

"I never thought I'd make it three weeks let alone three years."

"Shaun, I am really proud of you. Not many people can do what you've done."

He couldn't make eye contact with me. He never could when anyone tried to give him a serious compliment.

* * *

His physical therapist had just left, and Shaun was back in bed, looking ready to fall asleep any minute.

I ran my fingers through his brown hair.

"Shaun, it's gonna get easier."

"I hope so."

"Once we get you out of this place."

"Once we get me home with you."

"I'm going to take perfect care of you."

"Nurse Harleigh, huh?"

"You got it."

"Well, no hanky panky, Nurse Harleigh. I'm injured."

I laughed.

Shaun's eyes closed.

* * *

I had put off getting my wisdom teeth out for years. When I finally did last summer, my face swelled up to at least the size of a basketball.

Shaun took perfect care of me.

"Harleigh, it's your lucky day."

It hurt too much to speak so I just looked up at him.

"I brought you a vanilla milkshake."

I tried to smile.

"I love you, Harleigh."

"Even with puffy cheeks?"

"Yeah, even with puffy cheeks."

I started to whimper.

"I miss kissing you, Shaun."

"I am a pretty good kisser, aren't I?"

I hit him in the side.

* * *

I held the spoon in front of his mouth.

"Come on, Shaun, open up please."

"I'm not hungry."

"Come on, just a little bit of soup."

"But I'm really not hungry."

"You know you can't come home until you start eating again."

"Harleigh, I'm being serious. I'm not hungry."

"Please. Just a little bit."

He gave in.

After a couple of bites, I put the spoon in his hand.

"Here, how about you try?"

"I don't know. I'm not..."

"I'll help you."

I wrapped my hand around his.

"You'll get the hang of it."

He had barely eaten half the bowl of soup.

"Harleigh, I can't eat anymore."

I kissed his forehead.

"You did good."

* * *

Shaun had taken me hiking one Saturday afternoon.

I was beaten and battered, cut and scraped when we got home.

"You did really good, Harleigh."

"Shaun, don't lie to me."

"No, really. You did. That was a rough trail."

"I tripped over countless tree roots, fell down a hill and got clotheslined by that jumbo branch that was completely hidden from view."

"You got the hang of it by the end, really you did."

"Shaun, you were practically carrying me by the end."

"So I guess going hiking again next weekend is out of the question?"

* * *

I knew something was wrong when I went to Shaun's room in the middle of the afternoon and the lights were off.

The curtains were closed. Mike was sitting beside the bed, watching his brother.

I looked at Shaun's face. His eyes were closed. He looked terrible.

But before I could ask anything, Mike put his finger to his lips.

"Shhhh."

Then he led me into the hall.

"Mike, what's wrong? What happened?"

"Harleigh, relax."

"What happened?"

"Shaun ate a little breakfast, not a lot but a little bit."

"That's good, right?"

"Well, about noon, he said he didn't feel good. He was really pale, and he said his head was killing him. Harleigh, he started crying that's how much it hurt."

"What did his doctor say?"

"He got sick everywhere. I didn't think he was going to stop throwing up. And he had this headache. It hurt for him to keep his eyes open. His doctor gave him something, and it knocked him out pretty fast."

"Is it something serious?"

"They don't know."

* * *

Shaun and I were watching a movie when Mike came to the door.

He looked terrible.

"Shaun, I need to talk to you."

He looked like he was trying not to cry.

"Mike, what's going on? What's wrong?"

"Ahhhh, Bill, he ahhh... Bill had a heart attack."

I didn't know who Bill was.

"Well, is he OK? Is he gonna be OK?"

"They don't know."

I looked at Shaun. I didn't even have to ask.

"Bill's our grandpa, our mom's dad."

* * *

Shaun woke up at about eight that night.

His eyes were only open a slit, and his voice was groggy.

"Hey, Harleigh."

I kissed his forehead.

"Hey what?"

"I got really sick today."

"I know."

"Now they aren't gonna let me go home with you, are they?"

"Shaun..."

"Harleigh, I just wanna go home."

"I know. I know. And I want you to come home, but not before you're ready."

"But I am ready."

"How long have you been having them?"

He didn't answer.

"Shaun, you have to let them help you."

"They're not usually this bad."

"But, Shaun..."

"Please don't."

"I'm just worried about you."

"You don't need to worry about me."

"It's part of my job."

* * *

Shaun stayed with me the night of Bill's heart attack.

Mike went back to his apartment to wait for another phone call.

"Shaun, why didn't you ever tell me you had a grandpa or other family?"

He shrugged.

"Bill basically disowned me when I was drinking and using. But I hurt my family so much so many times that I don't blame him. I was a mess."

"But you've been..."

"On the right track for a while? Yeah, I have. It's not real easy for some people to forgive."

"But what about him and Mike?"

"They talk sometimes. He blames Mike for a lot of what I was doing."

"What?"

"When my mom died, he wanted me to come live with him. He didn't think Mike could handle that responsibility. Then when everything happened the way it did, he figured he was right."

"But he wasn't."

"No, he wasn't."

"I wish you would have told me."

"You don't need to worry about me and what I've done any more than you already do."

* * *

I held Shaun's hand as Mike held mine.

Dr. Matthews smiled at the three of us. Shaun looked scared.

"So, Shaun, how are you feeling?"

"I feel OK."

I squeezed his hand.

"How are the headaches?"

"I haven't had any for a couple days."

"So you think you'll be ready to go home in about a week?"

"What?"

Mike and I just looked at his doctor, hoping that he wasn't kidding.

"I think it's about time you got out of this place."

"Yeah?"

"We're going to keep a close eye on you this next week, but I think you're ready."

"I'm gonna get to go home?"

Dr. Matthews looked at Mike and me.

"You're going to go home, and these two are going to make sure you behave yourself."

"I promise I'll be good."

Shaun looked at me.

"I'm coming home, Harleigh."

* * *

Shaun and Mike's grandpa died the next day.

We all flew to Texas for the funeral.

It was the day before we were flying home. Shaun was in the shower, and Mike had come over to our room.

"I don't even consider these people family sometimes, Harleigh."

"Really?"

"They gave up on him when he needed them the most."

"I thought you both handled yourselves really well today."

"He would call sometimes and ask how I was doing. Then I'd tell him how great Shaun had been doing, how he'd gotten everything turned around. And he never believed it would last, that it was really for good."

"It's too bad he didn't get the chance to see what amazing men you both are."

"But, Harleigh, maybe it was my fault. Maybe I should have sent Shaun to live with him after our mom died. Maybe I did mess everything up."

"Don't, Mike. It's not worth it. You've been an amazing brother and friend to Shaun."

"I can't even imagine what it was like for him today to know that all these people thought of him as this fucked-up drunk."

Shaun came out of the bathroom.

"It doesn't matter what they think. I've got the two of you."

* * *

The nurses had taken Shaun for some tests. Mike and I were waiting in his room.

"Harleigh, can I talk to you about something?"

"Yeah, what?"

"You've gotta promise not to tell Shaun."

"What is it?"

"I've got a date."

"Awww, Mike, who is she? Where are you going? Why can't I tell Shaun?"

"Questions. Questions. Questions."

"Sorry."

"Do you know Kristin?"

"The night nurse?"

"That's her."

I had spent many nights talking to Kristin when I was waiting for Shaun to wake up or while I was watching him sleep. She seemed like she would be good for Mike.

"Mike, she's so nice."

"We've talked a lot and stuff while Shaun's been here. I don't really know what I'm getting myself into here."

"Just take it slow."

"Sometimes when I really didn't think Shaun was gonna make it, she was there. She would sit in here with me some nights and just listen to me ramble and babble — kind of like I'm doing now, huh?"

"You were so busy being strong enough for the both of us that you needed somebody to be strong enough for you."

"I'm nervous about all of this. And I kind of feel like a dick for trying to pick up my brother's nurse. Who does that?"

I wrapped my arm around his.

"You're not a dick. So where are you going?"

"I've got no clue. Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've been on a real date?"

"Want some help?"

"Please."

* * *

Mike's most-recent date had been about a month before Shaun's accident.

Her name was Heidi. One of his friends from work had set them up on a blind date.

"I'm giving up on dating, Harleigh."

"Was it that bad?"

"You have to promise not to tell Shaun."

"I have to promise not to tell Shaun what?"

"She fell asleep."

I tried to muffle my laughter.

"She fell asleep?"

"Yeah, on the way home, I looked over and there she was snoozing."

"Maybe she just had a rough day at work."

"Maybe I'm boring is more like it."

* * *

I was helping Shaun eat his dinner. Five more days and I would be at home making dinner for him.

"You've almost eaten your whole dinner. I'm so proud of you."

"I wanna be allowed to go home with you."

I kissed his cheek.

"What about some more mashed potatoes?"

"What about you get me a milkshake?"

"A milkshake? You want me to sneak you in a milkshake? Is that what you're telling me?"

"That's what I'm telling you, Harleigh."

"Well, I'll have to ask your nurse."

"No, no. You can ask me. I'm the patient."

"Oh, I see. And the patient thinks he needs a milkshake?"

"Yes, he does."

"And what kind might he need?"

"Chocolate, he needs a chocolate milkshake."

I started toward the door.

"Is there anything else that this patient needs?"

"A real kiss."

* * *

"You know that stinkin' brother of mine, Harleigh?"

"You mean Mike?"

"Of course, I mean Mike.

"He's being all tight-lipped about his date with Heidi."

"Ohhh."

"He won't tell me anything."

"Maybe it was just a dud date."

"Harleigh, look at me."

I couldn't. I knew I would give it away.

"What?"

"He told you. What happened?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You and Mike are in cahoots."

"You're being ridiculous."

"Oh am I? Why would he tell you and not me?"

"Because he knows I won't relentlessly make fun of him."

"Just as I suspected. He blew it again. I'm going to have to give him some lessons."

"Yup, I bet those will be real handy."

* * *

I was coming back to the hospital with Shaun's milkshake when I ran into Mike waiting for the elevator.

It was the day after the date.

He smiled when he saw me.

"Shaun had a milkshake craving. His nurse said it was OK."

"Maybe he'll start getting his appetite back."

"Yeah, maybe. Sooo?"

His eyes avoided mine.

"Sooo what?"

"How was the beach yesterday?"

We stepped inside the elevator.

"It was good."

"Yeah, are you two going out again?"

"Tomorrow night."

"Mike, that's great."

"Yesterday it was like I could forget that all of this happened. It all seemed so far away. Shaun's accident. Meghen."

The elevator doors opened.

"So did you kiss her?"

"What? What kind of question is that?"

"One that I've heard you ask Shaun before."

* * *

"What the hell do you mean you haven't kissed her yet?"

"Well, I think it's pretty self-explanatory, Mike. I haven't kissed her yet."

Shaun and Mike were out talking on Mike's balcony, and I could hear them through the open windows in my kitchen.

"Well, what're you waiting for?"

"I don't know. It's weird, Mike."

"What's weird?"

"It's like whenever I get enough courage, she'll get nervous or turn her head or"

"What do you have to get up your courage for? Are you in junior high or something? It's not like you've never kissed a girl before."

"It's different now, though. It's..."

Mike was laughing.

"How's it different?"

"I'm sober."

* * *

I was sitting on the side of Shaun's bed. The lights in the room were out.

I had my hand on his chest. I liked to feel his heart beating.

I bent over and kissed him.

"I love you, Shaun."

"I love you too."

"Can you believe you're coming home?"

"I never thought I was gonna get out of here."

"Hey, Shaun."

"Hey what?"

"What do you remember?"

"I remember leaving your apartment and going over to Mike's."

"I'm so sorry... about everything, about what I said."

"Harleigh, don't OK? It took me a long time to realize that you were willing to look past all the shit I've done and been through and that you weren't going to leave me."

"You know I love you, right?"

"Yeah, I know you love me. But when you said that you never even thought about marrying me, all of a sudden every insecurity I've ever had about this relationship just filled my head."

I started to cry.

"Harleigh, don't cry please."

"I'm just so sorry about that night."

"Mike told me I just must have caught you off guard, surprised you or something. He kept telling me to go back to your apartment."

"I wanted to go to Mike's to see if you were there."

"I couldn't stop crying."

"What?"

"I just kept crying and telling Mike how much I loved you. I decided I would go home for the night and come and see you the next morning and we would fix this."

He squeezed my hand.

"But I got about halfway home and I knew that I couldn't wait until the morning. I love you so much. I wasn't going to let you run from me or try to block me out."

I kissed him again.

"I love you so much, Shaun."

His hand was resting on the side of my face.

"That's about it. Then I woke up, and you and Mike were here crying and stuff. I didn't know what was going on. I couldn't talk or move, and I didn't know where I was. And you just kept crying."

I was crying now.

"Don't cry, Harleigh. I'm right here."

* * *

"I ran into this guy I graduated from high school with last night." Shaun had sat down beside me on the couch.

"Yeah?"

"Harleigh..."

I could hear it in his voice.

"What's wrong?"

"He was, Matt was talking about all this stuff we did the summer after we graduated from high school, and I didn't remember hardly any of it."

"Maybe he was confused. Maybe he just thought you were there and you weren't."

"No."

"No what?"

"I was so out of it, so fucked up I don't remember. I don't remember."

"Shaun, it's OK."

"No, it's not OK."

"Do you remember when you met me?"

"At the picnic, you were sitting by the pool."

"Do you remember the first time you kissed me?"

"Yeah, I asked if you were gonna slap me."

I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder.

"See, you've got much better memories now."

* * *

Shaun was in the bathroom with Mike and a nurse when my cellphone started to ring.

"Hello."

"Harleigh, it's Jon."

"Hey, Jon, how are you?"

"I'm doing OK. How are you? How's Shaun doing?"

"I never thought I would hear you ask that and mean it."

"Harleigh..."

"I'm sorry. That wasn't fair. He's doing OK."

"I want to be there when you bring him home."

"What?"

"I want to be there. That first week or so isn't going to be real easy. It's going to be a pretty big adjustment for both of you. I wanna do whatever I can for you and Shaun."

"You don't have to do this. We'll be fine."

"Harleigh, just in case."

"Jon, you don't have to."

"It'll give Shaun and me a chance to talk, too."

"He's coming home on Friday."

* * *

Mike and I were out shopping for a gift for Shaun.

He was celebrating one year sober.

"The week before I brought Shaun home from rehab I was so nervous."

"Why?"

"Well, things didn't go so well the first time I brought him home."

"True."

"I bought all these board games, rented all these DVDs without any alcohol or drug references"

"Board games?"

"Yeah, it was pretty painful for me and Shaun."

* * *

It was the night before Shaun was coming home.

I sat on the edge of the bed, my hand wrapped around his.

The lights were off.

I kissed the top of his head.

"It's your last night here."

"Yeah, it is."

His voice was distant.

"Are you excited?"

"I'm scared, Harleigh."

"What?"

He was trying to hold back the tears.

"I'm so scared."

I wrapped my arms around him as best as I could.

"Shaun, don't cry, please. You don't need to be scared. I'll be right there."

"It hurts so much."

"I know. I know."

"What if I don't get any better?"

"You're gonna be fine."

"Harleigh, I can hardly move my hand. I can barely walk across the damn room. My"

He stopped to wipe his eyes.

"Shaun, you're coming home with me tomorrow. You're coming home."

He closed his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Harleigh."

* * *

Mike and I were on our way home from shopping for Shaun.

"The first time I brought Shaun home from rehab, he didn't say too much, was pretty quiet."

"Really?"

"I thought maybe he was just nervous or scared. So I rambled on the entire car ride home. And he still didn't say anything."

"What about when you brought him home last year?"

"It was different. He was scared. He was so scared."

* * *

Mike was helping Shaun get dressed.

I was waiting outside the room. Jon came running down the hall. He took me in his arms.

"Sorry, my flight was late. I was afraid I was going to miss you."

"Jon, I'm so glad you're here."

He looked at me.

"Harleigh, I told you I'll do whatever I can for you and Shaun."

"Thank you."

"So where is he?"

"Mike's helping him get dressed. Then we get to take him home."

"How's he doing?"

"He's scared."

"How are you doing?"

"I'm more scared than he is."

* * *

"Are you afraid of me, Harleigh?"

"What?"

"You know, are you afraid of me?"

"Shaun, what are you talking about?"

"About everything I've done, everything I did?"

"Why would I be afraid of you?"

"Well, maybe not afraid of me. But are you ever worried or scared that I might mess up again?"

I lied.

"Never."

He couldn't look at me.

* * *

I pulled my car up in front of the hospital. Shaun was sitting in the wheelchair. Mike and Jon were on each side of him.

When he tried to stand up, he almost fell right back down. Luckily Jon grabbed him.

"Whoa, there, Shaun. I've got you."

Jon didn't let go of him as he slowly got into the car.

Shaun was shaking. He was pale.

Mike tossed his bag in the back.

"Jon and I will meet you back at your place, Harleigh."

I looked over at Shaun. His eyes were closed.

I leaned over and kissed him.

"I love you, Shaun."

He didn't say anything.

"You know, when they first brought you in here, I told myself I wouldn't go home without you."

He turned his head and looked at me.

"Every day I would sit there and watch you. And I would dream up this scene so many times — when I actually got my Shaun back."

"I love you, Harleigh."

* * *

It was a couple of days after Shaun so eloquently asked me if I was afraid of him.

"Hey, Harleigh."

He was grinning.

"Hey what?"

"Am I everything you ever dreamed of?"

"Hmmm, let me think about that."

"You have to think about it?"

"I have to run down my mental checklist."

The grin disappeared.

"Is addict on that list?"

* * *

Mike and Jon were in the kitchen, cooking dinner. I was in the bedroom tucking Shaun into bed.

"Are you comfy?"

He nodded.

"Do you need anything?"

"No, I'm good."

"You're pretty tired, huh?"

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"It feels good to be here."

"It feels good to have you here."

His eyes were starting to close.

"Why don't you get some sleep and I'll wake you up in a little bit so you can eat some dinner?"

"Will you stay here until I fall asleep?"

I ran my fingers through his hair.

"You got it."

* * *

"Is everything OK, Shaun?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Because you've been acting kind of weird lately."

"Weirder than usual?"

"Yeah, weirder than usual."

"This guy I know from rehab, he just started dating this girl. He really likes her, told her everything from the beginning."

"So?"

"She told him if he ever drank again it would be over. If he messed up again, she'd be outta there."

"Ohh."

"Harleigh?"

"What?"

"What if I drink again?"

"What happened to just taking things one day at a time, Shaun?"

"You're ignoring my question."

"I don't want to think about that because it's not going to happen."

* * *

Jon was in the kitchen doing the dishes. I came back from helping Shaun eat some dinner.

"Did he eat anything, Harleigh?"

"Just a little bit. Jon..."

"What?"

"Was it too soon?"

"Was what too soon?"

"Was it too soon to bring him home? Was he ready?"

"Harleigh, he had an amazing doctor. He wouldn't have let him go if he wasn't ready."

"But..."

"It's just going to take some time before everything gets back to normal."

I started to cry.

"But it's just so hard, Jon. It's killing me to watch him like this."

He held me.

"I know, Harleigh; I know."

* * *

"Mike, what was I supposed to tell him?"

"I don't know."

"He wanted to know if I would leave him if he started drinking again."

"I don't think he's drinking again. He's not, I know he's not."

"What was I supposed to say, Mike?"

"He's not drinking again. I would know if he was drinking again."

"Then what is this all about?"

"He realizes everything he has to lose."

* * *

I found Mike sitting out by the pool.

I saw the tears streaming down his face and watched him try to wipe them away with a shirt sleeve. I pretended not to notice.

"Would you mind some company?"

He tried to smile as I sat down beside him.

"Of course not. Is he asleep?"

"Yeah, he ate a little bit then fell back asleep. Jon's in there if he needs anything."

"It was really nice of Jon to come back down."

"Yeah, it was. Are you OK, Mike?"

He closed his eyes.

"I don't know."

I put my arm around him.

"Harleigh, he's my kid brother. I've been through everything with him. But this this just I don't know."

"It's hard."

"Yeah, it's really hard."

"I thought we would get him home and somehow magically or something he would be fine like nothing happened to him."

"Me too, Harleigh."

"I want him to laugh or to smile so much. I miss that or hearing him tell some story where he gets sidetracked about fifty times and ends up at the end about two hours after he started."

"I miss the way he would call me every night and tell me he had made it another day without drinking."

I knew he did that. I had seen him.

"Mike, he's gonna get better here with us."

"He is. That's what I keep telling myself. That's what I've gotta keep telling myself."

* * *

It was one of our first dates after he told me about everything.

We had gone to a movie and then out for ice cream.

I noticed Shaun kept looking at his watch.

"Am I keeping you from a hot date?"

He looked nervous.

"No, it's just that I... I usually... I call Mike every night and I forgot my phone."

"OK."

"It's stupid, Harleigh. It's just that... I call him every night to tell him I made it another day sober. Like I said, it's stupid. I'm sorry."

I reached in my purse and handed him my phone.

"It's not stupid, Shaun."

I kissed his cheek.

* * *

At first I was afraid to sleep in the same bed as him.

I thought he was too fragile. I thought I would break him. I lay as far away from him as I could.

But then I couldn't do it anymore. I scrunched up beside him and put my hand on his chest so I could feel his heart beating.

I slept better that night than I had since before the accident.

When I woke up, Shaun was laying on his side with his arm wrapped around me.

He kissed my forehead.

"Good morning, sleepyhead."

"Good morning, Shaun. How did you sleep?"

He pulled me closer.

"I haven't slept that well for a really long time."

"Me neither. How are you feeling?"

"As good as new."

"Oh really?"

"Yup, would I lie to you?"

"Then how about some breakfast?"

"How about you just let me hold you like this all day?"

"Eggs, pancakes, bacon, waffles — you name it, I'll make it."

"I'm not hungry."

"Shaun, you have to eat."

"Orange juice and toast."

"Orange juice and toast it is then."

I started to move away.

"Wait, Harleigh, just let me hold you for a couple more minutes."

I had missed the way his arms felt around me.

"OK, but just a couple."

* * *

I reached to turn the alarm off.

"Shaun..."

He rolled over.

"Hmmm?"

"Get up."

"Not yet."

He flung his arm across me.

"Shaun..."

"No."

"We've gotta go."

"No, we've gotta stay in bed like this forever."
part iii

Shaun was home. Shaun was really home.

But sometimes it still seemed like he was so far away.

Other times he'd crack a grin or even laugh – those were the moments I looked forward to, the moments I knew everything was really going to be OK.

Little by little, he started turning back into the old Shaun.

He wasn't up running any races. He spent most days laying on the couch in the living room.

But he was more alive.

It was Sunday night, and we were in bed. His eyes were smiling at me.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"Mike's got a girlfriend, doesn't he?"

"What?"

"You heard my question."

"Where is this coming from?"

"That's where he's been all day, isn't it?

"He's at his office."

"It's a Sunday."

"He's behind on his work."

"You're a terrible liar, Harleigh."

"I don't know if it's official girlfriend status yet. They've only been out on a couple dates."

"I knew it."

He grinned with satisfaction.

"How'd you know that?"

"He's got the look."

"The look?"

"Yeah, the I've-been-bitten-by-the-love-bug look."

"Oh, I wasn't aware of that look."

"It's a dead give-away."

"I see. So do I have that look?"

"Nope."

"I don't?"

"You've got the I'm-so-in-love-with-the-most-charming-man-in-the-world-who-loves-me-more-than-anything-in-the-world look."

"Oh, yes, that look."

* * *

I was cutting out decorations for my class's bulletin board, and I could feel Shaun staring at me.

"What?"

He didn't answer.

"Shaun?"

He kept staring.

"Stop staring at me."

He shook his head.

"Why not?"

"I'm giving you the look of desire."

"Ohhhh, the look of desire."

"And I will keep giving you the look of desire until you stop cutting out those little snowmen, put down the safety scissors and come over here and kiss me."

I went back to work.

"I am ignoring your look of desire."

"Just try it. Your resistance won't last long."

* * *

I ran from the kitchen into the living room as soon as I heard Shaun say it.

"So I know you're seeing someone, Mike."

"I'm not really... well, she's just..."

"Why didn't you tell me? I'm your brother – your only brother."

"I didn't... She's only..."

I sat down on the couch and put my arms around Shaun.

"Her name's Kristin. She was one of your nurses."

"Why didn't you tell me, Mike?"

"I don't know. I just thought you had enough on your mind already or something. I don't know. I don't know why I didn't tell you."

"Well, I want to meet her."

"Shaun, it isn't that serious."

"Well, I still want to meet her."

* * *

I remembered when I first told Jon I was seeing someone seriously.

The stereotypical protective older brother gave the stereotypical protective older brother response.

"So when do I get to meet this guy, Harleigh?"

I knew before they even met it wouldn't be good. Jon had his dating criteria established for me. And Shaun didn't meet any of them.

But he met all of mine.

"I don't know, maybe this summer or something."

"This summer? Why is it that three of your brothers have already met him and the other one has to wait another six months?"

I knew I was just postponing the inevitable.

"Well it's just that I'm busy with school and he's busy with work."

"With work? What does he do, Harleigh?"

"He's a construction worker."

"So I guess I won't be meeting him then."

"What?"

"It won't last another six months."

* * *

I sat down beside him on the couch and kissed him.

"Hey there, Harleigh. Remember big brother's in the house."

"I would hit you with this pillow if I wasn't afraid of hurting you."

"Take your best shot."

I kissed him again.

"Harleigh..."

"Hmmm?"

"What are you doing tomorrow?"

"Spending the day with you."

"I was wondering... I thought..."

"Shaun, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong really."

"What is it?"

"I just thought... never mind."

"Shaun?"

"It's just that I haven't been to a meeting in a really long time."

"Ohhh. Is everything, are you OK?"

He looked away.

"I just need to go."

I turned his head toward me and kissed him.

"I'll take you tomorrow."

* * *

Shaun was getting ready to leave my apartment.

"So, I'll pick you up at about 8 tomorrow?"

We were going to fly up to spend a week with Jon.

"That sounds good. Shaun..."

"Hmmm?"

"About Jon..."

"What about Jon?"

"Well, I haven't... he doesn't... he doesn't know everything."

"He doesn't know everything about what?"

"About you."

I saw the hurt.

"Shaun..."

"No, Harleigh, it's OK."

"No, it's not OK."

"Hey, it's not easy to tell your brother you're dating a recovering drug addict alcoholic construction worker with no college education."

"You know that's not how I see you."

"But that's how Jon does, isn't it?"

"Shaun, he's just not like my other brothers. He's just a little overprotective."

He tried to smile, but he couldn't cover the hurt.

"He's just worried about his little sister."

"But he doesn't need to be."

* * *

Jon and I were driving back from Shaun's first day at physical therapy. Shaun was riding back to the apartment with Mike.

"Harleigh, he's going to be OK."

"Did you see him? He could barely walk out of the place. And he was trying so hard not to cry."

"It's not going to be easy, but it's going to get better."

"He's so weak, Jon."

"He's getting stronger every day. You're taking great care of him."

"Thank you for everything."

"I wish I had gotten to know Shaun from the beginning."

"You've still got time."

"He really loves you, Harleigh."

"What else can I do?"

"You've just got to be patient."

"But I don't want to be patient. I want my Shaun back."

* * *

Shaun and I sat across the table from Jon.

From the minute we saw Jon in the airport, he had given Shaun his look of disapproval.

"So Harleigh tells me you're a construction worker."

"Yeah. Umm. Yes, I am."

"Going to college never interested you?"

I glared at him.

"Jon!"

Shaun took my hand.

"It's OK, Harleigh. My mom died my senior year of high school, and things were really hard for me. College was the furthest thing from my mind then."

"I see."

"Jon, Shaun is..."

Shaun looked across the table at Jon.

"I had three scholarship offers to play college baseball. But after my mom died, none of it seemed worth it. So instead of spending my time doing homework or studying or filling out college applications, I spent my time finding new ways to get high or wasted. I was young. I was stupid. I messed up."

"What's going to keep you from messing up again, Shaun?" Jon gave him an icy glare.

"I'm not that guy anymore."

* * *

Shaun had fallen asleep almost as soon as we got home.

Mike had dinner plans that night with Kristin, and Jon was watching TV in the living room. I had just finished making dinner and went to see if Shaun felt like eating anything.

He wasn't in bed.

"Shaun?"

He didn't answer.

I saw the light coming out from under the bathroom door.

I knocked.

"Shaun, are you in there?"

He didn't answer.

My voice grew louder, more panicked.

"Shaun?"

When I opened the door, the smell of urine hit me. Then the sight of Shaun did.

He was just lying there motionless on the floor in front of the toilet. His eyes were closed.

I was screaming. I was crying.

"Jon! Jon! Get in here!"

I took Shaun's head in my hands.

"Wake up, sweetie. Wake up. Jon!"

Jon's voice was completely calm.

"Harleigh, let me see him, OK?"

I nodded.

I stood in the doorway — silent.

"Shaun, can you hear me?"

I saw Shaun's eyes start to open.

"Mike?"

"No, it's Jon. You're going to be OK. Just relax."

Jon looked up at me.

"Harleigh, go get my bag out of my room and get him some clean clothes."

When I brought them to the bathroom, Jon took them from me.

"I don't think this is something you need to see."

I just looked at Shaun laying there.

"I'll take care of him, Harleigh."

Jon shut the door.

* * *

I was helping Shaun unpack in his room after our dinner with Jon.

Jon insisted we sleep in separate rooms.

"Your brother hates me."

"He doesn't hate you. It's just going to take him some time to get to know you."

"Going to college never interested you? What the hell?"

"Shaun, I'm sorry."

"It's not like I don't realize how much I've fucked my life up every day, but it's even better when someone else can point that out for me."

"Jon is just Jon. Anyway you aren't dating him. You're dating me."

"I don't know if I can deal with your brother hating me."

"OK, Shaun, he doesn't hate you. And besides, I've got three other brothers who love you."

"I can settle for three out of four as long as the sister is crazy about me."

I kissed him.

"Oh, she definitely is."

* * *

I curled up on the living room couch. The tears just wouldn't seem to end.

I don't know how much time passed before Jon came out. He sat down and wrapped his arms around me.

"I can't do it, Jon. I can't do it anymore."

"Shhhh. Harleigh, don't cry. It's going to be fine; everything is going to be fine."

"Did you just see him laying there? What if..."

"Don't do that. He just got a little dizzy, and he couldn't catch himself when he fell."

"He's OK?"

His arms held me more tightly.

"I think he's OK. He's got a doctor's appointment in a couple days, and I don't think it's anything to worry about before then."

"He's OK?"

Jon tried to laugh.

"He's embarrassed, but he's OK."

"What?"

I looked up at him with red, puffy eyes.

"Harleigh, he didn't want you to see him like that. He already feels helpless enough. And then for me to have to help clean him up. This is really rough on him – physically and mentally."

"I know."

"Have you thought about maybe taking him to see someone? Sometimes in cases like this, it's a good idea. It would be someone for him to talk to about everything that's happening."

"He doesn't need to see someone. He's got me."

"Harleigh..."

"I wouldn't listen to him.

* * *

The Saturday after we got back from our trip to Jon's, I went to see Greg.

"So Jon was an ass to him?"

"It was terrible, Greg."

"What did Shaun say?"

"What could he say? I think Jon really hurt him. He just kept looking at him like he was some worthless piece of trash that just has... that just has no future or anything."

"Harleigh..."

"And he does have a future, Greg. He's worked so hard. And he's clean and he's sober now."

"Harleigh..."

"And who cares if he didn't go to college? He's got a good job. And he likes his job."

"Harleigh..."

"And he's good to me. He's so good to me."

"Harleigh, I know. I like Shaun. He's a good guy. He's got my approval. But you know how Jon is."

"Yes, I know how Jon is, but I don't want to lose Shaun because of how Jon is."

* * *

I stayed on the couch, curled up with a blanket wrapped around me. Jon went to check on Shaun.

"Harleigh, he wants to see you."

I walked into the room slowly. I didn't know how much longer I could keep telling him that things were going to be OK when I needed someone to keep telling me that.

He looked tired. This was tearing us both apart.

I couldn't bring myself to sit beside him on the bed so I just stood there.

And we just looked at each other.

"Harleigh..."

"Shaun..."

I smiled at him. He started to cry.

"I'm so sorry, Harleigh. I'm so sorry."

He tried to wipe away his tears with his hand.

"I'm so sorry for putting you through this. I'm so sorry."

I didn't know what else to do so I sat down beside him and held him.

"Shhhh. Shaun, you don't have anything to be sorry about."

"I'm putting you through all this shit. I just can't... I just..."

I rubbed my hand up and down his back.

"Please don't cry. I love you, Shaun. I love you more than anything."

"I can't do anything anymore, Harleigh. Nothing. I fuckin' pissed all over myself."

"I love you."

"You don't have to say that."

"I love you, Shaun."

"I just want it to be normal again. I just want us to get to be us again without any of this. I'm so tired of it, Harleigh, tired of it all."

I didn't know if this was what I was supposed to be telling him.

"Me too. I want my Shaun back. I miss him so much."

He kept on crying.

"But I know he's coming back to me soon. I see little glimpses of him sometimes when you're laughing or when you're sleeping or when you're holding me. And I know it's not gonna be much longer."

"Harleigh, this is so hard. I don't know if I can do this."

"You can. You've got me and Mike and Jon."

He tried to smile.

"He fuckin' gave me a bath."

"I know. He told me. It's not fair, you know?"

"Why's that?"

"He's seen more of you now than I have."

"You've had your opportunities."

He grinned through the tears.

* * *

Shaun and I had been dating for almost two years.

Jon still wouldn't give him a chance.

"Harleigh, about Shaun..."

"No, Jon, I don't feel like fighting with you about him tonight."

"Are you sleeping with him?"

I almost dropped the phone.

"What?"

"Are you sleeping with him?"

"I don't think that's any of your business."

"It is my business. Are you being safe? Has he been tested? You don't know what he could have, what he could give you."

"Jon, he's not going to give me anything."

"How can you be so sure? He probably has no clue how many people he's been with or even who he's been with."

"Enough, Jon."

"He could be a walking STD."

"Yeah, and so could Drew. But I don't think you're calling all his girlfriends to warn them."

Silence.

"Harleigh, I just don't want you to make any mistakes that you're going to regret."

"You don't have anything to worry about."

"I won't stop worrying about you until you aren't with Shaun anymore."

* * *

It was the night before Jon was going to leave. Shaun was sitting outside with Mike. Jon was in his room packing.

I knocked on the door.

"Are you busy?"

"No, I'm almost finished."

"Jon, thank you so much for everything."

"Anything for my little sister."

"I love you, Jon."

"I love you, too."

"Jon..."

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad you're giving Shaun a chance."

"I'm glad he's giving me one."

"He was going to ask me to marry him."

I started to cry, but Jon just let me keep on talking.

"I found the ring when I was packing his stuff to move here. He was going to ask me to marry him. Then I blew it."

"You didn't blow it, Harleigh. He'll ask you when he's ready. Just give him some time."

* * *

"Shaun, it's time for a sex talk."

I knew I had to blurt it out or else I wouldn't get it out.

"Whoaaa. Who are you and what happened to my virginal Harleigh?"

"Well, you know we've gotten pretty serious and I just need to... well, if down the road we should take some steps and become more serious... I just need to know."

"Slow down, Harleigh. I have no clue what you're asking me or what you're trying to tell me."

"Well, did you? Have you? Were you?"

"Is this fill in the blank or something?"

I didn't laugh.

"Harleigh, what's going on?"

"You know STDs, HIV. Are you clean?"

He took my hand.

"Yeah, I'm clean."

"You've been tested?"

"Yeah, I've been tested."

"It's just that..."

"Shhhh. It's OK."

"I didn't know how to ask you."

"Obviously."

* * *

I went to tell Jon that it was almost time to leave for the airport.

I heard his voice coming from inside the bedroom. I knew that technically this was just between Shaun and Jon, but I also knew that I was in the middle of it.

"I wish I could stay a little bit longer, but I've got to head back."

"Thanks for everything, Jon."

"If you need anything, you know where I am. Shaun, I wanted to"

"What?"

"I know that we haven't always gotten along."

"No, we haven't."

"And I know that a lot of that was my fault."

"You hated me, Jon."

"Yeah, I did. But it wasn't just you."

"It wasn't?"

"I would have hated anyone who was dating Harleigh. She's my little sister. I feel like I have to protect her."

"You feel like you had to protect her from me."

"I feel like I have to protect her from everything."

"I would never do anything to hurt her."

"I know that, Shaun. Harleigh was the little girl our parents always wanted, but they died when she was only five."

"She told me about it once."

"She never talks much about them. But after that my brothers and I made it our job to look out for her. Maybe I wanted to keep her that little girl forever. Maybe I had this whole future planned out for her. Maybe I didn't realize how happy you make her."

"I love your sister."

"I know you do."

"I've done a lot of stuff that I'm not proud of and that I wish I could erase, but I can't. But Harleigh looks past all of that and makes me want something more for myself."

"Harleigh has a way of bringing out the best in people."

"I can't imagine not having her in my life."

"I'm glad she has you in her life."

"Yeah?"

"Yes, I am."

* * *

In the beginning when Mike was trying to fix Shaun and me up, Rose was pretty tight-lipped about Shaun's past.

"So you know my neighbor Mike Parker, the one who was a couple years ahead of you in school?"

"You know, I think you two would make a really cute couple, Harleigh."

"He wants to fix me up with his brother."

"With Shaun?"

"Yeah, with Shaun. He introduced us the other week at a picnic. Do you know him?"

"Yeah, I know him."

"And?

"And what?"

"Out with it. He's so good looking and charming and"

"Harleigh, I just don't know if he's your type."

"What do you mean?"

"I just... It's just that... I just think you and Mike would be a much better match."

* * *

Rose had come to see Shaun in the hospital.

But this was the first time she had come over to the apartment since I had brought him home.

Shaun was laying on the couch, watching soap operas — an addiction that began in the hospital.

She hugged me when I opened the door.

"Hey, Harleigh. How are you doing?"

"I'm doing good."

"How's the patient?"

"He's good."

"I'll see for myself."

She made her way over to the couch and kissed Shaun's cheek.

"You're looking a lot better than the last time I saw you."

"Harleigh's taking good care of me."

I sat down beside him and held his hand.

"Well if you need anything, either of you, just ask me."

"Rose, there is something you can do for me." Shaun's voice surprised us both.

Rose and I just looked at him.

"Take Harleigh out of here for a while. She's here all the time. Go out to dinner or a movie or shopping. I know Harleigh loves to shop. Just make her have some fun."

I couldn't protest.

"Consider it done."

* * *

Rose should have known I wasn't going to rest until I found out why she liked the idea of Harleigh and Mike better than the idea of Harleigh and Shaun.

I called her the next night.

"So what is it, Rose?"

"What is what, Harleigh?"

"What is it about Shaun that's so bad?"

"Nothing's so bad."

"Then what is it?"

"It's just that knowing what I know about you and knowing what I know about Mike and Shaun, I just don't know if Shaun is the right kind of guy for you."

"So what do you know?"

"Sweetie, you know I would do anything for you, but"

"But what?"

"It's not my place to tell you these things."

"Rose..."

"Look, Harleigh, I haven't talked to or even seen Shaun in about a year. Maybe he's changed."

"Changed from what?"

* * *

Rose sat across from me at our favorite little Italian restaurant.

She had delivered just what Shaun had ordered: a movie, shopping, manicures, dinner.

"Thanks for everything today, Rose."

"I think it was good for you. I think Shaun knew exactly what you needed."

"Even when I'm taking care of him, he's still trying to take care of me."

"How are the two of you doing? Not you and him but the two of you together?"

That was a question I'd been asking myself a lot lately.

"I don't know. I mean we talked about the fight."

"And?"

"I don't think that it's an issue anymore."

"So what is?"

"He thinks I just feel sorry for him. And I think he thinks I think that he's not attractive or appealing anymore."

"Do you?"

"Of course I do. He's the same Shaun I fell in love with just a little beaten and battered and bruised and hobbled."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"Well, I've kind of been thinking about this since he was in the hospital."

"What is it?"

"Rose, if he would have died, I would have died a virgin."

She was trying not to laugh.

"Harleigh, slow down."

"I want to make love to him. I'm ready to make love to him. He's the only one."

"Harleigh..."

"If we did, then he would know that I'm not going anywhere, that I still love him as much as I ever did."

"Harleigh..."

"I think we're ready. I think it would be good for us."

"Harleigh..."

"What? You don't think it's a good idea?"

"The guy can't even walk across the room without getting short of breath."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Oh, sweetie, your students know more about sex than you do."

"Rose, this isn't funny."

"Yes, it is."

"Uggghhh. Rose, help please."

"OK, Harleigh, I am sure that Shaun is ready to make love to you. I'm pretty sure he's been ready for the last three years."

"Stop it."

We were both laughing now.

"Shaun loves you, Harleigh. Being with you is going to be a lot different for him than it was with any of the other women he's been with. And he's gonna want it to be special for you. That's a lot of pressure for him. I don't know if he's up to it yet."

"Bad choice of words, Rose."

"Get your mind out of the gutter. Do you understand what I mean?"

"I just thought maybe it would help."

"Sweetie, sex isn't ever the answer. Now just admit it. You just can't resist him anymore."

"Maybe."

"Look at you lie."

"I guess I can wait a little bit longer."

"Cuddle, kiss him, fool around, do whatever it is you nonsexual people do. You want him to be able to enjoy it too — that might be rough when he can barely even move his one hand right now."

"You're so wise, Rose."

"I try."

* * *

"So Shaun told me about everything — the drugs, the drinking."

Rose and I were doing some Saturday shopping.

"He did?"

"Yeah, he did."

"Harleigh, I just didn't think it was my place to"

"It's OK. I understand."

"So?"

"So, he's been completely sober for almost a year now."

"Really?"

"Yeah, he has. I don't know much about this, Rose."

"I know you don't."

"He promised me he was on the right track now."

"That's a good thing, isn't it?"

"Rose, I've never even been drunk."

* * *

Shaun and Mike were watching a movie when I got home.

I saw him look as soon as I opened the door. Then he smiled.

I sat down beside him and kissed him kissed him — really kissed him.

I saw the look on his face.

"I love you, Shaun."

Mike stood up.

"OK, I'm gonna leave you two kids alone."

I rested my head on Shaun's shoulder.

"You two behave yourselves. Just remember the doctor said no strenuous activity."

Mike shut the door.

* * *

When I heard my doorbell ring, I didn't expect to find Mike on the other side.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey, Mike. What's going on?"

"I just wanted to... I just needed to talk to you about something."

"Uh-oh. This sounds serious."

"Shaun told me he told you the other night."

"About the drinking and stuff?"

"Yeah, about that."

"It's really... I just didn't... He never..."

"Harleigh, he wasn't trying to hide it from you."

"I didn't think he was."

"He just didn't know how to tell you."

"It's OK."

"He kept asking me how he should tell you, what he should tell you. Harleigh, he doesn't want to ruin what he has with you."

"It's not gonna change anything, Mike."

"No, Harleigh. Trust me. It changes everything."

"It's not gonna change the way I feel about him."

* * *

Mike, Shaun and I were driving back from one of Shaun's physical therapy sessions.

"So, Mike..."

"So, Shaun..."

"About this Kristin..."

I didn't say anything. I just grinned.

"What about her?"

"Well, you haven't talked about her for a while. Are you still seeing her?"

"Yeah, I'm still seeing her."

"So I still need to meet her then."

"Why?"

"Well, how do you expect me to concentrate on my therapy and getting better when I'm worried about what kind of girl my brother's dating?"

I laughed.

Mike looked at me.

"Don't encourage him."

"Sorry. Bad Shaun. Bad, bad Shaun."

* * *

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey, what?"

"What is the absolute worst thing you've ever done?"

"Shaun, what are you talking about?"

"Come on. Out with it."

"Out with what?"

"The worst thing you've ever done."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because with all the shit I've done, I won't so feel so imperfect if I know you have at least one small flaw in your character."

"The worst thing I've ever done?"

"Yeah, you had to have done something scandalous at least once."

"Hmmm."

"Come on."

"OK. I was a junior in high school, and I wanted to go out with one of Drew's friends who was a junior in college, but Greg wouldn't let me."

"So you snuck out and came back with crazy hickeys and had to wear turtlenecks all week."

"Noooo."

"So?"

"So I was really mad at Greg, and I dipped his toothbrush in the toilet and then put it back in its little toothbrush holder."

Shaun was laughing.

"Bad Harleigh. Bad, bad Harleigh."

* * *

Shaun and I were watching a movie.

Mike had promised to bring Kristin over after their date.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"Do you think Mike's holding her hand, kind of like this?"

"Maybe."

"Do you think he's kissing her like this?"

His lips barely touched mine.

"Maybe."

"Or maybe he's slipping her the tongue."

"I'm not having this conversation with you about your brother and Kristin."

He wrapped his arms around me.

"Or maybe he's being super nasty and slipping her something else."

"Shaun..."

"What?"

"I think you're the one who's super nasty."

"Nope, just super horny."

* * *

Rose and I were in the teachers' lounge one day.

"What's wrong, Harleigh?"

"Michael Smith told a joke today in class, and it just... it just really got me."

"Are you gonna share?"

"Why is an unmarried woman called 'Miss'?"

"Why?"

"Because she's missing out on all the fun."

Rose found it immensely funnier than I did.

"Stop it, Rose."

"Sorry."

Snicker. Snicker.

"So am I?"

"Are you what?"

"Missing out?"

"Harleigh, are you gonna let a kid who can't even tie his own shoes make you question your beliefs?"

"Well, no. But..."

"But what?"

"But what if Shaun gets tired of missing out on the fun if you know what I mean?"

"Well, Harleigh, Shaun can have some fun on his own if you know what I mean."

* * *

"Shaun, this is Kristin." Mike was finally taking care of introductions.

"It's nice to meet you, Kristin. They told me you were one of my nurses, but I don't really remember you."

"You were usually asleep when I was there. I work nights. That's how I met Mike."

"So you took care of me and my brother?"

"I guess so."

"Somebody needs to take care of him."

* * *

Mike had had the flu for almost an entire week.

He wouldn't let Shaun or I help him.

"Mike is being so frustrating, Harleigh."

"Hmmm."

"He's so Mr. Macho."

"Mmmmm hmmmm."

"He's all sick and everything, but he's gotta act all tough."

"I can't think of anyone else who does that when he's sick."

Shaun wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close.

"Are you picking on me, Harleigh?"

"Never."

"Do you know how many times he helped me when I was hurling in that toilet when I was completely trashed? Why won't he let me take care of him now?"

"That was a mental image I didn't need."

* * *

We were lying in bed.

"So what did you think of Kristin? Will you be able to focus on your therapy now?"

"Hey, no making fun of me. She seemed nice. But it's weird."

"What's weird?"

"That she took care of me."

"Why?"

"Because I wasn't exactly looking my best then. I mean I couldn't even piss on my own. And..."

"And what?"

"And I'm sure Mike has had the talk with her."

"What talk?"

"The talk. Shaun had a drug problem. Shaun was in rehab. Shaun was a drunk."

I kissed his cheek.

"Past tense is better than present."

* * *

In the beginning, there were times I wanted to ask Shaun about it.

Times I thought I should ask him about it.

Times I needed to ask him about it.

But I didn't want to pry. So I asked Mike.

"Mike, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, why couldn't you?"

"It's about Shaun."

"Shoot."

"What are the limits?"

"What?"

"You know, what are my limits of what I can ask him about rehab and the drugs and the drinking and — uggghhh... just forget I asked."

"Harleigh, listen. If you two are going to make this relationship work, there shouldn't be any limits."

"I wanna know, Mike. But at the same time, I don't want to. Does that make any sense?"

"It makes perfect sense."

"It's hard for me to imagine Shaun any other way than how he is right now, and I think he kind of likes that I didn't know that other Shaun."

"I know he likes that, Harleigh. But if you ask him, he'll tell you what you want to know. It's not an easy talk to have, but you need to have it."

"Do you two talk about it?

"Sometimes."

"If you're his brother and you two don't really talk about it"

"Harleigh, I lived through it with him."

* * *

When I left for the laundry room, Shaun was sitting on the couch, watching his soap opera.

When I came back, the TV was off, and Shaun was rocking back and forth, holding his head in his hands.

I sat down beside him.

"Shaun..."

"Harleigh, make it stop."

"Just relax."

"It hurts so much."

"I know. I know. Let me go get your medicine."

"No."

"Shaun..."

"I don't want to be all drugged up."

"It's just going to make your headache go away."

"I can't do this anymore."

I went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water and Shaun's pills.

"Here, swallow this. You're gonna be fine."

His eyes were closed in pain.

"Why won't they stop, Harleigh? What's wrong with me?"

* * *

We had gone out for ice cream after one of Shaun's AA meetings.

"So there was this new guy there tonight, Harleigh."

"Yeah?"

"Kinda reminded me of when I was first trying to get clean."

"Really?"

"Yeah, but he hasn't hit bottom yet."

"Shaun, what? When? For you?"

"I would do anything to forget that day."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."

I felt him squeeze my hand.

"I didn't have a job. Mike had kicked me out. I was drinking almost nonstop."

"Shaun, you don't have to tell me this."

"I went out one night, and I woke up the next morning in an alley. I had no idea where I was or how I got there. My wallet was gone. All my money. My phone. My dad's watch that I had worn every day since he died. Everything. And I had no clue where I was."

"What happened?"

"I was so scared, Harleigh, so scared."

"You don't have to tell me this."

"The only thing I could remember was this toll-free number at Mike's work. God, Harleigh, I was so fucked up and I was so scared. And Mike's secretary wouldn't put me through."

"Why?"

"Mike was done with me. I'd messed up too many times. When he finally got on the phone, I just kept telling him, 'Mike, I don't know where I am. I don't know where I am.' I knew then there was something so wrong with me and what I was doing to myself."

"Shaun..."

"Have I scared you off yet?"

"Never."

* * *

I went up to Mike's place that night.

"Hey, Harleigh. I was just getting ready to come down. Is Shaun OK?"

"Yeah, he had another headache today, but he's doing better now."

"Was it a bad one?"

I nodded.

"Mike, I have to go back to school in two weeks."

"I've been thinking about that."

"What are we supposed to do?"

"I was thinking that maybe I could work out of my apartment for a while."

"You can't do that."

"It would be fine really. If I had to go into the office, I could go in at night after you're home."

"Shaun wouldn't want you to do that."

"So what's your idea?"

"We have to get a nurse to stay with him."

"Harleigh..."

"They could take him to his physical therapy sessions and doctor appointments and stuff."

"Harleigh..."

"Mike, he'll be in good hands. Look at him now. He's still so shaky and so weak. If anything happened, I don't know what I would do."

"Harleigh, I agree with everything you're saying, but..."

"But what?"

"Shaun's not going to like it."

"He's going to have to."

* * *

Mike had helped carry my groceries to my apartment.

"Shaun told me about when he woke up in the alley."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"I think about that every day."

"You do?"

"I think about it and realize how far Shaun's come."

"What happened after that?"

"I remember finding him that day, and he was so scared, so messed up. And I told myself this wasn't going to happen again. I was going to do whatever I could to help him get his life back together. And I didn't care whether he liked it or not."

* * *

The next day Mike and I decided to tell Shaun about the nurse.

He was sitting on the couch after dinner. Mike sat down in a chair across the room. I sat down beside him and took his hand.

He looked at us looking at him.

"What's going on, you two? Why are you looking at me like that? What?"

"Shaun, I have to go back to school in two weeks."

He knew.

"I'll be fine."

"Shaun, Harleigh and I were thinking it might be a good idea to get someone to stay with you."

"What? You think I need a babysitter?"

I squeezed his hand.

"No, not a babysitter, more like a nurse."

"No, I don't need anybody. I'll be fine."

Mike tried.

"Shaun, what if something happens?"

"What if something happens? I'll be fine. Harleigh, you don't really think I need a nurse, do you?"

"Shaun..."

"Harleigh and I don't want anything to happen to you. This is what's best."

He let go of my hand.

"This is what's best? For who? So that's it? You've already made up your minds. I don't even get a say, do I?"

I tried to take his hand. He wouldn't let me.

"Shaun, I love you, and I just want..."

"What about what I want? You guys didn't even ask me. You know I might not be able to do much, but I can still think for myself."

"Shaun, just relax. Harleigh and I just want to make sure you're OK."

"You just want to fuckin' take care of me. That's what it's always been about. The older brother who takes care of his addict brother. The dutiful girlfriend who takes care of her fuck-up boyfriend. Just fuckin' take care of me some more."

He stood up and went into the bedroom.

I started to cry.

* * *

"When Shaun first got sober, I wouldn't let him move out."

I was having another insight session with Mike.

"Really?"

"There was no way I was going to let him be by himself."

"So you thought if you were with him all the time he couldn't drink?"

"That was pretty much my irrational logic."

"I don't think Shaun would have made it through without you."

"I was kind of like the mother whose last child is getting ready to leave the house."

I laughed.

"But you let him go?"

"Yeah, but I was at his apartment so much that he finally took the key away from me"

"Poor Mike."

"And then he stopped answering the door."

"Poor, poor Mike."

"If I ever have kids, they'll have to live with me forever."

* * *

That night he seemed so far away even though he was just on the other side of the bed.

"Shaun, are you awake?"

I waited for him to answer, but he didn't. I knew he wasn't sleeping.

"I know you probably hate me right now. But I love you, Shaun, more than anything. And I don't want to lose you."

I moved closer. He didn't pull away.

"I'm not going to tell you that I know what you're going through because I don't. But, Shaun, this isn't easy for me either."

I was starting to cry. His eyes were closed.

"I want it to be the way it was before any of this. I want to come home from work and fix dinner with you and listen to your stories or go to the park with you or watch TV with you or I don't know... just have what we had before. I want that so much. And I'll do whatever I have to do to get that back."

"God, Harleigh, it's just... it's just... I'm so tired of all of this shit, you know?"

"I know."

"I'm so tired of having to have all these people help me do everything. I feel so fuckin' useless."

I rested my head on his chest.

"Just hold me, Shaun."

"Harleigh..."

"Hmmmm?"

"I could never hate you."

* * *

Shaun, Mike and I were having dinner at my apartment.

I could tell Shaun was uneasy about something.

"Mike..."

"What?"

"Do you hate me?"

"What?"

"Do you hate me, you know, for what I put you through? Because I made you lose Meghen?"

I looked at Shaun, and I saw that part of him really believed what he spoke was true.

"Shaun, what are you talking about?"

"Mike, are you carrying around some built-up resentment toward me?"

"No."

"Did I cause permanent damage to our relationship?"

"What the hell, Shaun?"

"Well, I just want to know before you get married and you don't ask me to be the best man."

"Married? When am I getting married?"

"I saw a similar situation on some Oprah-like show today."

* * *

Shaun wasn't too tired when I picked him up from his physical therapy session that day.

I decided it would be good for him to get out of the apartment so I took him to the park.

"Hey Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"What are we doing here?"

"I thought you might like to get out of the apartment for a little bit. Do you feel up to it?"

"Yeah, I think I do."

We walked along slowly, my arm wrapped around his.

"Do you remember when you first tried to hold my hand here?"

"How could I forget? You freaked out on me, Harleigh."

"Well what did you expect? An extraordinarily handsome man taking hold of my hand wasn't something that happened to me every day."

"And now?"

"I've gotten used to it."

* * *

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"How'd you meet Ron?"

Shaun and I had been dating for almost a year. But suddenly he had this insatiable curiosity about my past relationships.

"I led a study group that met after the study group he led."

"So he was a..."

"Watch it, buddy."

"So he was smart?"

"Yes, he was smart."

"Where'd he take you on your first date?"

"We went to a lecture by some right-wing Jon-like clone."

"So Jon liked him?"

"I think Jon was the only person who liked him."

"Well, what about you? You had to like the guy."

"I don't know if I really like liked him or if I just got used to having someone there, having a boyfriend."

* * *

We were sitting on the bed, and I was giving Shaun a backrub.

"How's that feel?"

"Amazing."

"How about this?"

I started to kiss his neck and back.

"Shaun, I love you."

"I love you, too, Harleigh."

"You can kiss me, silly boy."

"You want me to kiss you?"

I nodded.

He kissed my fingertips.

"Here?"

I shook my head.

He kissed my neck.

"Here?"

I shook my head.

He put a finger on my lips.

"What about here?"

I nodded.

My hands were running along his chest and stomach as he kissed me.

"Shaun, is this OK? Am I hurting you?"

"You aren't hurting me. I haven't felt this good for a long time."

He was grinning as he pulled me down onto the pillows with him.

"What's got you so happy?"

He didn't answer me.

I felt his hand slip up under my shirt.

"Here, let me help you."

I pulled my shirt off over my head.

"Harleigh..."

Now I put my finger over his lips.

"Shhh. I love you so much, Shaun."

As he kissed me, I started to undo his jeans.

Then we heard it: Mike's voice.

"Shaun, Harleigh, are you guys here?"

Shaun kept kissing me.

"Just ignore him. He'll go away."

"Shaun.."

"Go away, Mike!"

I hit him.

"Mike, just give us a couple minutes."

I kissed him one last time.

"Rain check?"

"You better believe it."

* * *

"Harleigh, about this Ron character..."

"Shaun..."

The inquisition hadn't ended yet.

"What did you two do exactly?"

"What is going on, Shaun?"

"You know. What did you two do?"

"I don't understand the question."

"You're getting flustered like you're embarrassed of something the two of you did."

"Enough of this."

"Did you let him..."

"I'm not answering."

"Was there a lot of heavy petting, groping, you know?"

"Heavy petting? Groping?"

I couldn't keep a straight face.

"Hey, why are you laughing?"

"Because Ron wasn't really into anything physical."

"Hmmm."

"I swear the sight of me flipping through flashcards turned him on."

* * *

Mike, Shaun and I had spent the day interviewing nurses to stay with Shaun when I went back to school.

Mike brought a bowl of popcorn into the living room.

"I really liked Rachel. What'd you think, Shaun?" I think if Mike wasn't dating Kristin that he would have really, really liked Rachel.

"Nope."

I curled up beside him and took his hand.

"Who did you like, sweetie?"

"I liked Luis."

Mike just stared at him.

"The guy?"

"Yeah, the guy."

I kissed his cheek.

"I think he'll be perfect."

"I don't need a babysitter, but if I have to have one, I at least want somebody I can talk to. He was the only one who knew who was leading the AL Central. Come on."

My Shaun was coming back.

* * *

"So if Ron was smart and innocent and conservative and all those great things, why didn't the two of you work?"

Ron was turning into a weeklong conversation topic.

"All those things aren't necessarily great things."

"But..."

"Listen, Shaun, Ron was a walking stereotype complete with a full wardrobe of khakis and polo shirts. We were meant to be friends but nothing more."

"But what about me?"

"What about you?"

"Aren't I just the opposite walking stereotype?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Recovering alcoholic construction worker with no college education and holes in all my socks."

"You know that's not what you are."

"How can you say that's not what I am? That is what I am."

"But, Shaun, that's not all of what you are. And what is this all about anyway?"

"Harleigh, if it didn't work between you and Ron who was seemingly perfect for you, what makes you think it'll last between me and you?"

"Guys like Ron are a dime a dozen. He's a cardboard cutout."

"I'm glad you like me better than a chunk of cardboard, makes me feel great."

* * *

Shaun was taking a bath, but he had been in the bathroom for a long time.

I knocked on the door.

"Shaun, are you OK in there?"

"Yup, you can come in."

I slowly opened the door until I saw him covered in bubbles and shampoo still in his hair.

I laughed.

"I was testing out all this Bath and Body stuff."

"And?"

"And I like it. Do I smell good?"

"You smell just like a sun-ripened raspberry."

"That's my favorite on you."

"I'll have to keep that in mind."

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"The other night you know when Mike kind of interrupted?"

"I remember that night."

"You were undoing my jeans."

"Yes, I was."

"Yeah, you were."

"OK, I'm glad we got that cleared up, Shaun."

"But..."

"But what?"

"You know."

"No, my little raspberry, I don't know. Tell me."

"Well, you know, you don't usually do that."

"So you didn't like it?"

"Oh no. I liked it. I definitely liked it and what could have happened after that if Mike hadn't interrupted."

"That's what I thought."

* * *

"Was he a good kisser, Harleigh?"

"Was who a good kisser?"

"Ron? Was Ron a good kisser?"

"This is it, Shaun."

"This is what?"

"No more Ron questions."

"So was he?"

"Not particularly. But he had a tongue so that was nice."

"Ewww, Harleigh, I'm appalled to hear such words come out of your mouth."

"What's with all these questions lately?"

"Nothing."

"You're a terrible liar."

"Nothing, really."

"Shaun, you've been badgering me for more than a week about a half-assed relationship I had in college."

"I'm sorry."

"You should be. Do you want me to start grilling you about all your old girlfriends – about what you did and didn't do with them?"

"Not really."

"OK, then. Drop this Ron nonsense. I don't love him – I love you."

* * *

It was the Wednesday before school started. Shaun was at the physical therapist. Rose and I had gone out to lunch.

"Rose, I don't know if I can leave him."

"You've only got until Monday."

"What if something happens?"

"Sweetie, nothing is going to happen to him. He's going to have a nurse with him all day. And, he's been doing so much better lately, hasn't he?"

"He has been. But..."

"I don't want to hear any excuses, Miss Murphy. He has a doctor's appointment tomorrow, doesn't he?"

"He does. But..."

"I'm sure that the doctor will tell you that it's perfectly fine for you to go back to work. You want things to be the way they were before the accident, don't you?"

"Of course I do."

"Harleigh, you've gotta do this."

* * *

"I'm avoiding Shaun. I've been avoiding him for two days."

Rose and I were at lunch.

"Sweetie, what happened? Big fight? What?"

"Well, hmmm. Uggghhh. It's kind of embarrassing."

"Out with it, Miss Murphy."

"I went over to his apartment the other night. The door was unlocked. He didn't answer so I went in."

"Tell me you didn't catch him with another woman."

"I heard moaning, you know, in the bathroom."

"Harleigh..."

"And there he was in the shower — flying solo. I could kinda see what he was doing through the shower curtain."

Rose couldn't talk she was laughing so hard.

"Stop it, Rose. It's not funny."

"Umm, yeah it is."

"Stop, please."

"OK."

The snickering lingered.

"I apologized over and over and over as I sprinted out of the apartment."

"And what did Shaun do?"

"Well, it took him a little while to recover, but he ran after me."

"And?"

"And I haven't returned his calls or anything since the incident."

"The incident?"

"That's what I'm calling it."

"Harleigh, he's just a normal, healthy, horny male."

"You know I knew he did. I mean I was pretty sure he did. I just didn't want to see him in action – and I mean, I didn't really see him, see him, but I knew what was going on. Uggghhh...."

"I think the two of you need to have a talk. The guy's probably mortified. His girlfriend, who's more innocent and naïve than a nun, catches him jerking off. Come on, give the guy a break."

"Rose, I can't get it out of my mind. It's like it's permanently engrained."

"So you liked what you kind of saw?"

"You're not funny."

But we were both laughing.

* * *

After Dr. Matthews finished examining Shaun, he called me back into the little room. Shaun looked upset. I sat down beside him and took his hand.

"You've been taking good care of him, Harleigh."

"I try."

"I told Shaun that everything looks good."

"Good."

"Dr. Moore tells me that you're making some progress with your hand, Shaun."

Shaun nodded.

I squeezed his hand. He still didn't smile. He hadn't said a word since I had come into the exam room.

"Good, that's good. But I'm still a little bit worried about these headaches."

"Ohhh."

"I've scheduled some more tests for tomorrow."

"Well, what do you think's wrong?"

"I'm not sure. I don't think it's anything serious. I just want to be on the safe side."

"OK."

"Other than that, Shaun's doing great."

His voice was soft – and angry.

"Yeah, just great."

* * *

Shaun was sitting out in front of my apartment when I got home from work.

It was the day I had told Rose about the incident.

"Harleigh..."

"Shaun..."

"Look..."

"I'm sorry I haven't returned your calls. I just didn't know... I just didn't know what to say."

"I'm not a masturbation fiend or anything but..."

"It's OK. I understand."

"And I really hope I didn't traumatize you too badly."

"It's OK, Shaun."

"It's OK?"

"Well, yeah, as long as you're thinking about me."

"Of course."

He wrapped his arms around me.

"Hey, Shaun."

"Hey what?"

"Next time, lock the door."

* * *

Shaun didn't say a word in the car on the way home after his doctor's appointment.

I reached over and squeezed his knee.

"You OK?"

"You heard the doctor. I'm doing great."

"Well, then I was thinking, I was hoping actually that maybe we could go out tonight."

"Go out?"

"Like go out on a date. Maybe to the movies or something and we can make out like wild teenagers in the back row."

I giggled. Shaun smiled.

"I'd really like to go out on a date with you, Harleigh."

"It's been forever since we've gone out."

"Since before the accident."

* * *

One night Shaun and I were sitting in the movie theater. It was our first time out since the incident. He was the only guy.

He grabbed my hand.

"I'm feeling outnumbered."

"All the women in here wish they had a sensitive man like you who would come see this movie with them."

"The only reason I came to see this chick flick is because I'm with you."

"Chick flick?"

"Come on, you know it is."

"Did you just call this a chick flick?"

"Yeah, so?"

I let go of his hand and sat on mine.

"Harleigh, what are you doing?"

"I'm sitting on my hands."

"Come on. Stop it. People are looking."

"Shaun, I am sitting on my hands."

"Why are you sitting on your hands?"

"So I don't have to hold yours through this chick flick."

* * *

We had barely walked through the door after getting his tests done at the hospital when Shaun got a headache.

He had just fallen asleep when my cellphone started to ring. It was Greg.

"Hi, Greg."

"Hey, Harleigh. How are you and Shaun?"

"We're good. Greg, what's wrong?" It was in his voice.

"You're too good at that."

"Greg, what's wrong? Are you OK?"

"God, I feel like such an ass. You've already got enough stuff going on without me adding to the mess."

"OK, you're starting to scare me. What's going on?"

"Ann and I are getting a divorce."

"You're what? Greg?"

"We're splitting up."

"What? Why?"

"It's complicated."

"But Greg..."

"Things have been kind of shaky since Mona was born. It's been a really long time since things have been good."

"What about Jack and Mona?"

"They're going to live with her for now."

I could hear the tears in his voice.

"Greg, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

"Well, Jack is staying with me for a couple days. And he asks about Shaun all the time. So I thought maybe we could stop and see you guys tomorrow. I think it would be good for Jack."

"We'd love to see you."

* * *

Shaun came into my apartment with a bag of groceries tucked under his arm.

"I was beginning to think you got lost, Shaun."

"Weirdest thing happened."

"What?"

"I ran into Mrs. Miller. Her and her husband were friends of my parents. They were married almost 40 years."

"Yeah?"

"They're getting a divorce."

"What?"

"They're getting a divorce. That's it. Marriage over."

"Did she tell you why?"

"He cheated on her."

* * *

Shaun wasn't feeling that well that morning. But I knew he was excited to see Jack.

He was sitting on the couch when they knocked on the door.

Jack hugged me first, and I saw the little cast on his arm.

"Hey, what happened to your arm?"

He didn't answer. He ran straight across the living room, jumped up on the couch and wrapped his arms around Shaun.

"Shaun!!!!"

Greg held onto my hand and looked at Jack. "Careful, Jack. Shaun's not feeling too good."

"It's OK, Greg. He won't hurt me."

Jack smiled as he sat on Shaun's lap. Greg and I just stood back and watched the two of them talk.

"So what's this, tough guy?" Shaun tapped on his little cast.

"I fell off the swing."

"Uh-oh. I bet that hurt."

Jack shook his head.

"What happened to you, Shaun? I couldn't play with you for a long time. Have they fixed your insides?"

Greg and I tried not to laugh.

"Yup, they got me all fixed up."

"You were in the hospital for soooo long."

"It took a while."

"They said I can't go swimming for a month."

"A whole month?"

"Mom and dad tell me no rough housing."

"Yeah, Harleigh doesn't let me have much fun now."

"It's no fun being hurt."

"Nope, it isn't."

* * *

Shaun had that look like he wanted to ask me something he wasn't quite sure if he was allowed to ask me.

"Ask me."

"Ask you what?"

"Whatever it is you're sitting over there thinking about asking me?"

"Was it weird growing up with Greg?"

"He's my brother. You kinda have to grow up with your brother."

"No, Harleigh, I mean... You know, living..."

"You mean having him as a parental figure?"

"Yeah."

"It wasn't weird really. It was just different."

"Was it OK to ask you this?"

I kissed his forehead.

"I was a freshman and Noah was a senior in high school when we moved in with Greg. He had only been out of college for about a year."

"Where were Jon and Drew?"

"Jon was finishing up his residency, and Drew was in his second year of college, I think. But Greg, Greg was great. But Jon was always on his case about were we studying enough, were we staying out of trouble, you know typical Jon stuff."

"Typical Jon stuff."

"Then Drew dropped out — got kicked out — of school and came to live with us. And Greg married Ann. And it was like a whole family finally, instead of just bits and pieces here and there. A real family."

* * *

Jack and Shaun were watching a movie. I could hear Jack singing along with the cartoon while Greg and I were doing the dishes.

"He's so happy to see Shaun, Harleigh."

"Greg..."

"I can't believe how much better Shaun's doing. You must be taking great care of him."

"What about you? How are you doing?"

"Other than the fact that my marriage and my family are completely falling apart, I'm doing great."

"I'm so sorry, Greg."

"I'm the one who should be sorry."

"Why?"

"I did it, Harleigh. It's all my fault."

"How is it all your fault?"

"God, Harleigh, I had an affair."

"You did what?"

"You know — an affair. I've been sleeping with a woman other than my wife."

"Greg..."

"Don't lecture me please. I've already heard enough from Jon."

"But why?"

"I don't know. I was thinking with my lower brain."

"Greg, you've got two kids."

"I only had one when it started."

"How long has this been going on for?"

"Since about a month before Ann got pregnant with Mona."

"How'd Ann find out?"

"I told her."

Then he fell apart.

I wrapped my arms around him.

"Shhhhh. Greg, don't cry."

"I love her and Jack and Mona more than anything. I had to tell her. Now she won't listen to anything. She doesn't want to see me. She barely lets me see Jack or Mona. Harleigh, I don't know what to do."

"It'll be OK, Greg. It'll be OK."

"I don't think so. I just don't think so."

* * *

Shaun and I were opening Christmas cards. Inside the one from Greg was a picture of Mona and Jack.

"Greg says Mona looks just like me when I was little."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Harleigh, why did Greg and Ann wait so long to have kids?"

"Probably because the experience of raising me, Noah and Drew scarred them for life."

* * *

I was rubbing Shaun's back before we went to bed. Greg had called a little while ago to tell us that they got home OK.

"Jack was so excited to see you today."

"Poor little guy's got a broken arm. Did you see how little that cast was?"

"How are you feeling, Shaun?"

"I'm feeling OK. What's wrong, Harleigh? Is it something with Greg?"

"Have you ever thought with your lower brain?"

"What? What did you just ask me?"

"Greg's been cheating on Ann."

"Oh, and he was thinking with his lower brain?"

"That's what he said."

"I only think with my lower brain when it comes to you."

"That's what I like to hear."

"Harleigh..."

"Hmmm..."

"I would never cheat on you."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

* * *

Shaun was at my apartment while I went to the store to get some milk.

When I got back, he had the I've-been-up-to-no-good smirk.

"So what'd you do?"

"What makes you think I did something?"

I kissed his cheek.

"So what'd you do?"

"You left your cellphone here. And Jon called while you were gone."

"And?"

I knew this wasn't good.

"I had a little chat with him."

"And?"

"He said, 'Where is my sister?' And I said, 'Your sister's at the store.' And he said, 'Why are you at my sister's apartment while she's at the store?' And I said, 'Because she's got a bun in the oven.'"

He laughed. I didn't.

"Shaun..."

"Come on, Harleigh. Dinner's in the oven. Bun in the oven. Laugh. Get it. Haha! Come on."

"You are so not funny."

"That's what Jon said."

* * *

Shaun was still in bed when I was getting ready for school Monday morning.

"Shaun, now you're sure you feel OK?"

"I feel OK."

"And you know my number at the school in case anything happens?"

"I know the number."

I sat down on the side of the bed and kissed his forehead.

"And you'll be good for Luis?"

"Maybe."

"Shaun..."

"I'll be good for Luis."

"Thank you."

"Do I get a little gold star now?"

"Nope."

"Well, that's not fair."

"You get a kiss."

* * *

"Harleigh, you know my friend Matt from work?"

"Yes, I know your friend Matt from work."

"He wants me to help coach a Little League team with him this year."

"Really? Are you gonna?"

"I think I am. I think I really might like it."

"Awww."

"Harleigh, are you having dad-like visions of me?"

I hit him with the dish towel.

"Start drying."

"My dad coached my Little League team before he died."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, that was kind of our thing, our thing we did together. Almost every night in the summer, we'd go out in the backyard and just play catch or something."

I wrapped my arms around him.

"I think you'll make a great coach."

"Now don't go getting all excited, Harleigh. I won't be wearing those tight pants like they do on TV."

* * *

After my class had just gone out to recess, Martin Brown came up to me.

"Miss Murphy..."

"Hi, Martin."

"Miss Murphy, is he dead?"

I didn't understand.

"Is who dead, Martin?"

"Is Coach Shaun dead?"

I understood.

Martin's brother Warren was on Shaun's Little League team. Shaun always let Martin be the batboy.

"No, Martin. Shaun is doing so much better."

"But he missed all the baseball games."

"Yeah, he did. He was pretty sick for a while."

"My uncle was on the ambulance that picked him up."

It all seemed so far away.

It all seemed like just yesterday.

"Was he, Martin?"

"I heard him tell my dad there was no way he was going to make it."

"But he did."

"And he'll be back for baseball?"

"He'll be back."

* * *

Warren and Martin's mom and I sat on the bleachers after the game.

Shaun was pitching to Martin.

"He's going to make a great dad, Harleigh."

"What?"

"Shaun. Shaun is going to make a great dad someday."

"Oh, we really... we're not... we've never..."

"I'm sorry, did I say something?"

"No, we've just never really talked about it."

"Martin worships Shaun. Look at them."

"They are pretty cute together."

"He's a keeper, Harleigh."

* * *

Shaun was waiting at the door for me when I got home.

He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him.

I kissed his cheek.

"Hey, sweetie. Hi, Luis."

Shaun let go of me and took my hand.

"So how was your day? How was school? How were you classes? How was recess?"

Luis and I just looked at each other.

"Shaun, are you OK?"

"I just missed you."

* * *

It was time for my yearly visit to see Jon.

Shaun was sitting in the airport with me before I checked in.

"Harleigh..."

"Hmmmm?"

"Do you really have to go?"

"Shaun..."

"I'm gonna miss you so much, and I think I'm coming down with the flu or something."

"You don't have the flu."

"No, I don't have it yet. But soon it'll be in full effect, and I'll need you here."

I leaned over and kissed him.

"I'll miss you, too."

He pulled out an envelope from his jacket pocket.

"Shaun?"

"Don't open it now."

"What is it?"

"It's a list of all my outstanding qualities." He was grinning. "Open it when Jon tries to brainwash you into thinking I'm a no-good loser."

* * *

Wednesday night Shaun and I were sitting on the couch, watching a movie.

"Hey, Shaun."

"Hey what?"

"Friday night is the first home football game."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. And I was thinking we could go for a half or a quarter or just as long as you wanted to stay."

We had gone to every football game last season.

"Harleigh, I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Just... I can't, OK?"

"It's supposed to be really nice out. We can just stay for a little bit. I think it would be really good for you."

"No, OK?"

"But, Shaun..."

"Stop it, Harleigh. I'm not going."

"Tell me why."

He didn't say anything.

"Come on, Shaun. Why not?"

"Because they'll stare."

"Who'll stare?"

"Everyone."

"I don't understand."

"I'll be on fuckin' display. Everyone coming up and asking me how I am and telling me they're so glad to see I'm doing better. I can't deal with that shit right now."

"OK."

"OK."

* * *

It was before we were even dating that Mike, Shaun and I began the Friday night football tradition.

I was sitting in the bleachers with Shaun. Mike was talking with someone he graduated with.

Shaun's eyes had a sadness in them as he looked out at the field.

"When I graduated high school, I swore I'd never come back to this place. Now here I am every Friday night."

"Rather be somewhere else, Shaun?"

He put his arm around me — in a friendshiply way, of course.

"Never."

"What is it then?"

"It's just that I'm not who I was when I went to school here. But I know all these people still see me that way. I don't know, it's kinda hard to explain."

"Here I thought you were a popular jock."

"You must have me confused with Mike."

* * *

We were putting away the dishes after dinner on Thursday.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"I talked to Luis today."

"Quizzing him about baseball stats?"

"No. I was talking to him about the football game."

"Shaun, it's OK if you don't want to go."

"It's not that I don't want to go."

"Shaun, I understand, and it's OK."

"I just don't want everyone staring and feeling sorry for me and I'm afraid that... I'm afraid that..."

I put down the dish towel and took his hand in mine.

"What are you afraid of?"

"I'm afraid that I'm going to get a headache in front of everyone, and they'll all look at me like a freak or something."

"That's not going to happen."

"It might."

"I'd be there."

"So I was talking with Luis. And maybe it would be a good idea for me to get back out there, go to the game."

"Only if you want to."

* * *

One of Shaun's old friends from high school came up to us at last year's homecoming game.

"Hey, Shaun Parker, is that really you?"

We both turned.

"Hey, Justin, it's been a long time."

"Last time I saw you was a year after graduation. You were passed out behind the bar at Julian's dad's place."

"That was a long time ago."

I felt Shaun squeeze my hand.

"Justin, this is Harleigh. Harleigh, Justin. We played baseball together."

"It's nice to meet you, Harleigh."

"You, too."

"So what are you doing, Shaun? Are you still living here?"

"Yeah, I'm working down at Bradford's, doing construction. What about you?"

"I live in Ohio now, just opened my own law firm. I always thought you'd re-open your dad's firm."

"Nahh, that really was never my thing."

As they stood and talked, I could see the look of self-disappointment fill Shaun's face.

As Justin walked away, I lifted Shaun's chin so he was making eye contact with me.

"I love you."

I had grown to know what I could make better and what I could only try to make better.

* * *

Mike, Kristin and Rose were coming with Shaun and me to the football game. Safety in numbers.

It was about five minutes before we were supposed to leave, and Shaun was still in the bathroom.

I knocked on the door.

"Shaun, are you about ready?"

He didn't answer.

"Shaun?"

I knocked again and then opened the door.

He was standing in front of the mirror, his shirt off, just staring.

"Shaun..."

His eyes were still fixed on the mirror.

"Look at them, Harleigh."

"Look at what?"

"At the scars."

"Don't, Shaun."

"Don't what?'

"Don't do this to yourself."

"Harleigh, do you still, you know, find me attractive?"

I kissed him.

* * *

I met Jackie, one of Shaun's ex-girlfriends, at a playoff game last year.

She was beautiful — model-material beautiful.

I felt inadequate.

"You were really quiet tonight, Harleigh. You OK?"

Shaun was driving home.

"She's beautiful, Shaun, really, really beautiful."

"Who?"

"Jackie."

"Oh. Harleigh, don't."

"Everything was so perfect about her. I was just looking for one tiny hair out of place, couldn't find one."

"She's not perfect."

"Did you, you know, were you sleeping with her?"

He didn't answer.

His silence was answer enough, but I asked again anyway.

"Were you?"

"Yeah, we slept together a lot while we were dating."

"A lot? What does that mean?"

"I don't know, a lot. I mean it wasn't like it was just once or twice."

"Like 10 or 20 times?"

"Harleigh, we dated for almost a year, and sex was a pretty regular activity for us."

"Oh."

"Harleigh, you know I'm not innocent."

"I know. But..."

"But nothing. I don't love Jackie. I love you."

"She's really beautiful, though."

"Not as beautiful as you. And she uses the wrong end of the toothbrush."

* * *

Mike, Kristin and Shaun stayed in the bleachers while Rose and I went to the bathroom during halftime.

"Harleigh, Shaun looks so much better. It's hard to think that's the same Shaun who was lying in that hospital bed."

"He didn't want to come tonight. He didn't want to face all the how are you doing and the I'm so glad to see you're feeling better stuff."

"Understandable."

"But I think he's having fun."

"Of course, he is. He's with you."

"He's always with me."

"Harleigh, he hasn't let go of your hand since we got here."

"So?"

"I've never seen the two of you look more perfect together."

"Things have been good lately, really good."

"How good?"

Rose was smiling.

"No, not that good — yet."

As we got closer to bleachers, I could see a guy I didn't know sitting with Shaun and Mike.

Rose stopped walking.

"Oh my God. I can't believe it."

"What, Rose? What's going on?"

"That's Julian."

* * *

We had only been dating for about four months when Shaun came over to my apartment after one of his AA meetings.

He was barely through the door when he started talking. His mind was racing.

"Harleigh, I want to make this work. I want to make us work."

"Me too. Shaun?"

"But you don't know what I did, how I used to be, who I was before I was sober."

"That doesn't matter to me, Shaun."

"No, it does matter. You have to know if we're going to make this work. I don't want to hide it from you. Ask me, Harleigh. Ask me anything."

"I don't understand."

"The first time I got drunk was with my friend Julian. His dad owned a bar, and we would sneak in the back. I was in ninth grade. Come on, Harleigh."

"Shaun..."

"The first time I tried pot Julian and I were at this hunting cabin our junior year of high school. We tried a shitload of drugs together when we went to New York City after graduation. Please, Harleigh."

"Who's Julian?"

He slowed down.

"Who's Julian, Shaun?"

"He was my best friend."

"Was?"

"Yeah, we haven't really talked for a while. Come on, Harleigh. The first Christmas after my mom died I was so messed up that I ended up in the emergency room. Mike was so pissed at me."

"Why?"

"Why was Mike pissed?"

"No, why haven't you talked to Julian?"

"I can't."

"Did something happen?"

"A lot happened."

"What happened between the two of you?"

"I got clean and sober, and I wanted to stay that way."

"I'm sorry, Shaun. I shouldn't have..."

"No, I told you to ask me anything. Staying clean was so much harder for me in the very beginning. I mean it's still not easy. But you met me after I gone through all the shit, when I actually had it a little bit together. I couldn't have kept it together with Julian."

"So you don't talk at all anymore?"

"No, we don't. I'm not sure if he even lives here anymore. And Mike made it pretty clear he was to stay away from me."

"What happened?"

"Mike broke his nose."

"What? Mike doesn't seem like the kind of guy to just break someone's nose."

"After I got out of rehab the second time, Julian got me a bag of coke – I hadn't done that kind of stuff in years, but you know... Anyway, Mike found it."

I just looked at him.

I wondered if he thought he was going to scare me off.

I took his hand.

"I would have broken more than his nose."

* * *

As Rose and I climbed the bleachers, I could see the anger in Mike's face and the combination of pain and happiness in Shaun's.

Shaun took my hand as soon as I sat down beside him.

Rose nudged me.

"Harleigh, this is Julian." Shaun's voice was both happy and sad.

"It's nice to meet you, Julian."

"It's nice to meet you, Harleigh. I've heard a lot about you from Shaun's friends."

Mike just stared at him.

"I better go find my sister before the third quarter starts. I just wanted to see how you were doing, Shaun. I was pretty worried when I heard about the accident."

"Shaun is doing just fine, Julian."

We all looked at Mike.

Julian stood up to leave.

"It was good to see you, Shaun."

"Yeah, you too."

"Maybe we could get together sometime or something, catch up."

"Yeah, maybe."

* * *

Mike was over one morning for breakfast.

"Read about your buddy Julian in the paper yesterday."

I listened to Mike and Shaun as I got more orange juice out of the refrigerator.

"What'd he do?"

"Got picked up for a DUI."

"Figures."

"Shouldn't he have lost his license by now?"

"Mike..."

"Don't defend him, Shaun. The guy's fucked up, and he almost pulled you down with him."

"I didn't need anyone's help messing my life up. I think I did a good enough job myself."

"Well, I didn't do a sufficient enough job when I broke the punk's nose. I should have had him arrested for getting you that coke."

"He needs help, Mike."

"You aren't the one who can help him, Shaun."

"I know that."

* * *

I was making Shaun a sandwich.

"So did you have an OK time tonight?"

"I had a great time. Once everybody left me alone."

"Such a popular guy."

"That's me."

"How were things with Julian?"

"Well, Mike didn't hit him, but I think it was close."

"Mike just worries about you."

"I know he does, but Julian didn't make me do the shit I did. He didn't stop me, but he wasn't making me do it."

"I know."

"Do you remember that woman who came to visit me in the hospital and she stayed with me that one whole afternoon and made you go home to sleep?"

"Yeah."

"That was Julian's mom."

"He was worried about you, Shaun. You could see it in his face."

"Yeah, he was."

"Are you gonna see him again?"

"Maybe. I don't know. I don't know if he's clean... and I can't..."

"I know."

* * *

"When I first got clean, Mike was more protective of me than Jon is of you."

"Oh really?"

"Really. In the beginning, I practically had to tell him every time I was gonna take a piss."

"Shaun..."

"At first I couldn't figure out why he was doing it, why he was so determined to save me."

"He's your brother."

"Yeah, but I had messed so many things up for him. So then I thought maybe he was just doing it to torture me, make me go through the withdrawal symptoms."

"You didn't really believe that, did you?"

"Yeah, I did. My head was such a mess. But then I would see the way he looked at me. He always looked so worried, so worried that things weren't gonna be OK."

"He loves you, Shaun."

"I think seeing how much he wanted to help me, how he never gave up on me, that kind of made me want to help myself."

* * *

Shaun and I were in bed Saturday night. My head was resting on his chest.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"I love you."

I rolled over onto my side and looked at him.

"Oh do you now?"

I was smiling. He was grinning.

"I do."

He was kissing my neck.

"There's just something so appealing about the smell of sun-ripened raspberry, isn't there, Shaun?"

I started to laugh.

"Are you laughing at me?"

He brushed his lips against mine.

I shook my head.

As he kissed me, he pulled me closer to him. My hands rested on his chest then moved down to the top of his boxers.

"Harleigh..."

"I love you, Shaun."

He reached down and took my hand.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Something I've wanted to do for a long time."

"You're sure?"

I nodded.

Before he could say anything else, I slipped my hand down the front of his boxers.

I watched his eyes close.

"Oh my God."

"Shaun, am I hurting you?"

"No, no. You just keep on doing what you're doing, and I'll be fine."

I laughed as I kissed him.

"I love you, Shaun."

His arms pulled me even closer.

"Please, God, don't let Mike knock on the door."

I whispered in his ear.

"Shaun, make love to me."

"Oh, Harleigh, do you have any idea how much I want to make love to you?"

"I think I have an idea."

He reached down and very reluctantly pulled my hand away.

"Yeah, I know you do. But we can't."

"Why can't we?"

"Because..."

"Because why?"

"I don't have a condom."

"That doesn't matter."

"Harleigh, are you on the pill now and just forgot to mention it to me?" He knew I wasn't.

"No..."

"Then it does matter – a lot."

"But, Shaun..."

He kissed my forehead.

"Harleigh, there is nothing more I would like to do than to make love to you right now. But I also don't want to get castrated by Jon for getting you pregnant."

He slowly got out of bed.

"Where are you going?"

"Cold shower."

* * *

Drew had called that night.

I had lost track of what number fight it was with Beth.

"So what is it this time, Drew?"

"She just won't compromise."

"About?"

"About everything."

"Like?"

"Like she always makes me wear a condom even though she's on the pill."

"Drew..."

"Harleigh, do you have any idea what a pain that is?"

"Not a clue."

* * *

When I woke up Sunday morning, Shaun wasn't beside me.

I had started making pancakes when he came through the door.

I blew him a kiss.

"Good morning, Shaun."

He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me.

"Good morning, Harleigh."

"Everything OK?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Usually you aren't even awake at this time let alone out and about."

"Mike needed my help."

He sat down at the table.

"With what?"

"The dishes."

He was grinning.

"How nice of you to help your brother with the dishes at 8 in the morning."

"You want the truth?"

"Maybe."

"Well, see there's this girl Mike's been in love with for almost three years."

"Oh, I see. Any chance that I know her?"

"Maybe. Anyway, they haven't you know but then she kind of surprised him because she wanted to, you know."

"I know."

"And he — Mike — wouldn't because he wasn't exactly prepared. And he couldn't sleep last night because he's worried she's really mad at him about everything."

"I'm not mad at you, Shaun."

"Harleigh, I wanted you so much last night, but"

"I understand."

"And you're not mad?"

"I'm not mad. I'm glad one of us was thinking rationally."

"So you're ready?"

"I'm ready."

"Harleigh, why didn't you tell me you were ready or you were thinking about it or something?"

"I didn't know how. And Rose told me I should wait until walking across the room didn't make you out of breath."

He was laughing.

"Rose is pretty smart, huh?"

"And I kind of wanted to surprise you."

"Well, the hand down the boxers definitely surprised me."

I threw a towel at him.

"How about doing some more dishes?"

He walked over and took me in his arms.

"How about we go and do some shopping?"

"Shopping? You want to go shopping?"

"Not just shopping, Harleigh, but shopping."

I started to giggle.

"Oh, I see. Shopping."

* * *

"Drew and Beth are fighting again, Shaun."

"What is it this time?"

"Well, he's mad at her because she wants him to wear a condom even though she's on the pill."

"Too much information."

"Shaun..."

"So how was work today?"

"Shaun..."

"What?"

"I'm curious."

"You're curious?"

"Is it that much of a pain?"

"It's been such a long time I forget."

* * *

I drove us to a Rite-Aid about an hour from where we lived.

Then I offered to wait in the car. Shaun wouldn't let me.

"You know, Harleigh, there are a bunch of stores that sell condoms a whole lot closer to where we live."

"Shaun, shhhh."

"Harleigh, there's nothing to be embarrassed about."

We started walking down the aisles.

"Yes, there is."

"What?"

"It's like we're broadcasting to the entire store that we're having sex."

"Harleigh, most likely they don't care because they're doing it, too."

He took my hand.

We were there. The boxes hung in front of me.

I moved behind Shaun instead of beside him.

"Harleigh."

"Hmmmm?"

"What do you want to get?"

"Ummm. I don't care. You pick. I don't know. Please, Shaun."

He grabbed a box.

"We'll get these. You OK?"

I looked at him.

"I'm OK."

"Harleigh, we don't have to do this. I can put this box back, and we can buy a magazine or something."

"No, it just feels awkward, you know. Like when you're a teenager and you're buying tampons for the first time and you see the guy from school you like."

"I'm going to pretend that you just didn't say that to me."

* * *

"Get this, Shaun. I have a Matthew Clark in my class next year."

"OK. You have a Matthew Clark in your class next year. What am I missing?"

"Matthew Clark was my first real crush."

"Harleigh, the kid's not even 10 yet. There are laws against that."

"Shaun..."

"Sorry."

"He was one of Noah's friends, and he worked at a video store during the summer."

"Regular customer?"

"Every day."

"Bet that wasn't obvious."

"I'm telling you, Shaun, he was molded from the same clay as the Greek gods."

"Unnecessary description."

"I kept every receipt he gave me in a little box."

"I'm glad to find out now I'm seeing a nutcase."

"Ahhh, he was perfect. I was going to marry him."

"So what happened to good ol' Matthew Clark?"

"He was gay."

"Minor detail, Harleigh."

"Minor."

* * *

Shaun was pretty quiet on the ride home.

I put my hand on his knee.

"What are you thinking about, Shaun?"

"Us."

"What about us?"

"Just how we're getting back to being us."

"Yeah, we are."

"I thought for a while that you just felt sorry for me and would have felt too guilty to leave me."

"Shaun..."

"But sometimes I would see the way you looked at me, maybe when you thought I was sleeping or you thought I wasn't paying attention or something, and I knew we were gonna be OK."

"We're OK, Shaun."

"Yeah, we are."

"And now you're going to be my sex slave."

We were both laughing.

"I'm trying to share my emotions with you, Harleigh, and all you can think about is getting me in bed."

"I've waited long enough. You're the one, Shaun. You're the only one."

He just looked at me. He didn't say anything.

And that made me nervous.

"So what if I turn into a sex maniac or something?"

"I have no problem with that, Harleigh."

* * *

"I took a human sexuality class my senior year of college."

Shaun laughed. He did anytime a variation of the word sex came out of my mouth.

"Giggle through the whole semester?"

"Yup."

"From your seat in the back corner?"

"Yup."

"Highest score in the class?"

"Yup."

"It's such a waste, Harleigh."

"What's a waste?"

"All that unused knowledge."

* * *

My legs were tangled with his under the sheet that covered us.

My head rested on his chest. I could feel his heart racing.

He pushed my hair away from my face.

"Harleigh..."

"I love you, Shaun."

"Was it..."

"It was perfect."

"Are you OK?"

"I'm better than OK."

"Are you sure you're OK, Harleigh?"

"It was perfect."

I looked up at him. His eyes were closed.

"Shaun, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I love you, Harleigh."

"Are you OK? Was I too much for you?"

We both laughed.

"You know my doctor said no strenuous activity."

"We'll have to ask him about this at your next appointment."

Shaun couldn't stop laughing.

"Harleigh, you couldn't even look at the boxes of condoms in the store. How are you going to ask my doctor if it's OK for us to be sleeping together?"

I laughed as I propped myself up on my elbows to look at him.

I kissed him.

Then I don't know where it came from.

"I'm not leaving you, Shaun, not ever."

* * *

"I'm not leaving until you kiss me, Harleigh."

"I'm not kissing you, Shaun."

"I beat you fair and square at Scrabble, just admit it."

"I will not."

"Denial doesn't suit you, Harleigh. Just admit defeat and give me a good night kiss."

"You've never beaten me before — ever."

"Pop goes the ego."

I ignored him.

"So are you going to kiss me so I can leave?"

"I'm not kissing you."

"Then I'm not leaving — ever."

* * *

Rose kept staring at me as we ate lunch on Thursday.

"There's something different about you, Miss Murphy."

"I got a new shade of lipstick."

"No, no, that's not it. I think that you're glowing."

"Glowing?"

"Yes, glowing."

"I don't think I'm glowing."

"Yes, you most definitely are. You've got the I've-just-made-love-with-Shaun-for-the-first-time glow."

I didn't say a word.

"I knew it. I knew you two did. I am so good. Well?"

"We did."

I could feel myself blushing.

"And?"

"It was perfect, Rose. Shaun was just so... just so..."

"Just what? I've been waiting to hear about this for the last three years. I want details."

"I don't know. He just kept asking if I was OK, if he was hurting me, if it felt good. It was just really special."

"I could just tell at the football game Friday. I just knew it was going to happen."

"But Rose..."

"Oh no. But what?"

"Well, how do I know if it was good for him?"

"Did he tell you it was?"

"Yeah, but he's been with so many other people, so many other more experienced people."

"Harleigh, he loves you. He never loved any of them. There's a huge difference between making love to someone and fucking someone."

"Maybe I need to get an instructional book or something."

We were laughing.

"You know what they say, practice makes perfect."

"Oh, trust me, Rose, we've definitely been practicing."

* * *

"Hey, Miss Murphy, I've got something for you."

I looked at the page Rose had ripped out of a magazine.

"How to tell if he'll be good in bed? What the heck, Rose?"

"Just answer the questions and add up the score."

"I'm not doing this."

"Come on, it'll be fun. Let's see if Mr. Parker knows how to work what he's got."

"I'm sure he knows how to work what he's got. I'm the one who doesn't."

"I'm sure he'd be more than willing to teach you."

* * *

Mike was leaving his apartment the same time I was that morning.

"Good morning, Harleigh."

"Morning, Mike."

"Shaun still sleeping?"

"He was awake long enough to tell me goodbye."

"Harleigh, he was asking me about it last night."

"About what?"

"About the accident."

"Ohhh."

It was something he never asked about.

"I didn't know what to tell him."

"What was he asking?"

"About the other driver. What happened to his truck? Was there blood everywhere? Did we go and look at where it happened?"

"And?"

"And it's really hard to tell your brother you saw the stain left on the road from his pool of blood."

* * *

"So what happened today that you aren't telling me about, Shaun?"

"What're you talking about, Harleigh?"

"Come on. I know you."

"You know me?"

"Yes, I know you, and you're a million miles away right now. So what happened?"

"Nothing."

"Shaun?"

"Mr. Lang called me today."

Mr. Lang was a teacher in my school district. He had been Shaun's baseball coach when he was in high school.

"And?"

"And I really don't wanna talk about this."

"Shaun..."

"Harleigh, I don't wanna fight with you."

"Then tell me why he called you, why you're so upset that he called you."

"He wants me to talk to some of his health classes about drinking. OK, are you happy now?"

I took his hand.

"Are you gonna?"

He wouldn't look at me as he shook his head.

"I can't."

I leaned over and kissed his forehead.

"OK."

"I just can't. It's just really hard. I don't... I don't know if I can."

* * *

I was sitting on a bench in the park, waiting for Shaun to come out of his AA meeting.

He sat down beside me.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"You would do anything for me, right?"

"Anything."

"Take me there."

"Take you where?"

"Where it happened."

"Shaun, I don't..."

"No, Harleigh, I need to go."

"But..."

"I tried to talk to Mike about it, but he got all weird on me. Please, Harleigh."

"I just don't..."

"Harleigh, I'm ready. I can handle this."

"But I don't know if I can."

* * *

It was the day after Mr. Lang called Shaun.

"I'm gonna do it, Harleigh."

"What?"

"I'm gonna talk to Mr. Lang's classes."

"Are you sure?"

He tried to smile.

"Not really."

"What changed your mind?"

"I don't know. Maybe I can help somebody before they get to where I got to. Maybe I need to do this for me. I don't know."

"I'm proud of you."

"I was talking to some of the guys from my AA group, and they think I can do it, think I can handle it."

* * *

Shaun's eyes just stared out the window as I pulled off to the side of the road.

"You OK, Shaun?"

"So this is it?"

"This is it."

"Can we get out?"

As we stood outside the car, I took his hand.

"Where did I? Where did my? Where did my truck end up?"

I pointed to a tree. You couldn't even tell now.

"Over there."

He didn't say anything. So I did.

I wanted to fill in the missing pieces for him no matter how much it hurt for me.

"Your truck, Shaun, there just wasn't hardly anything left of it. They found you there." I pointed. "Mike and I came out a couple days after it happened, and there was still the stain from your blood on the road."

He wrapped his arms around me.

"The people in that house heard it all. They called 911 and everything. When they saw you, they thought you were dead."

He put my hand on his heart.

I started to cry.

"Harleigh..."

I didn't stop.

"I don't know what would have happened if I lost you, Shaun."

"I'm right here."

"I don't know what would have happened if I lost you."

part iv

It was the week before our anniversary.

Everything should have been perfect — should have been.

I was in the kitchen. Shaun was at Mike's.

I heard the door open and then slam.

I heard the door open again.

I heard Mike's voice.

"Shaun..."

"Leave me the hell alone, Mike."

"Shaun, listen to me."

"Get out."

I went into the living room.

I had seen them fight before and knew it was best to stay out of it.

"Shaun, calm down and listen to me. Let me explain."

"What are you going to explain?"

"Please, just listen to me."

"Get out, Mike."

I tried.

"Shaun, Mike, what's going on?"

"He gave up on me. My own brother gave up on me just like he always fuckin' does."

"Harleigh, I didn't..."

I went to Shaun's side.

"Shaun, just relax, OK? You're getting yourself all worked up."

"You gave up on me again, Mike."

"I didn't give up on you."

"You did. It's always the same. It's so easy for you to just give up on me. When I was trying to get clean. When I started dating Harleigh. You never thought that would last. Just leave. Get out of here."

"God, Shaun, what is this really about? You know you almost died, you know that. Your doctor told me he didn't think you'd make it 24 hours, didn't think you'd make it through the night. What did you want me to do? Shaun, what did you want me to do?"

I saw the tears in both their eyes.

"I wanted you for once to not give up on me."

"Shaun, I love you."

They never told each other that.

"Don't."

"Shaun, you're my only brother, and I love you."

I watched Shaun's eyes close and then the look that came across his face.

He half fell onto the couch. His head was in his hands.

"Fuck! Why is this happening? Fuck!"

I wrapped my arms around him.

"Mike, go get his medicine please."

* * *

We had only been dating a couple months when I witnessed my first Parker brother fight.

Shaun was over watching a movie when Mike knocked on the door.

"Shaun, we need to talk now."

"What?"

"Now. Outside."

I just looked at them.

Through the crack they left the front door open, I could hear them.

"Joe Williams called me tonight, Shaun."

"So Joe Williams called you tonight. What does that have to do with me?"

"Joe Williams called me tonight and told me he saw you last night at Ray's. Were you there?"

"Yeah, but, Mike..."

"What the hell were you doing in a bar?"

"Mike, listen..."

"Why? Why would you be there?"

"Mike, listen to me."

"You've been sober over a year now. I thought you wanted to stay clean. I really thought it was for good this time."

"But..."

"God and what about Harleigh? Do you really think she's gonna want to be with a drunk like you?"

"Fuck you, Mike."

"Don't walk away from me, Shaun."

"Tell Joe Williams and whoever the hell else you have spying on me that I didn't drink a damn drop. It was a guy's birthday from work, and we went out for dinner. I know it wasn't the smartest idea to go there, but I didn't do anything wrong. And the only damn thing I had to drink was water. Water, Mike."

"Shaun..."

"Don't. And you had to do this in front of Harleigh, didn't you?"

"Shaun, I didn't..."

"Go home, Mike."

* * *

I got Shaun tucked into bed.

I found Mike sitting on the couch.

"It's gonna be OK, Mike."

"Is he OK?"

"He's sleeping. How about some coffee?"

"Harleigh, about what he said..."

"Just forget it, Mike."

"There's nothing I want more than for you two to be happy."

"I know that. So do you wanna tell me what that was all about?"

"I'm not real sure."

"OK."

"Right after the accident, when it didn't look like there was any way Shaun was going to make it, I talked to a couple funeral homes you know about arrangements and stuff. It wasn't like I wanted him to die or anything, I just... Anyway, he found some of the paperwork, brochures and stuff."

"And he lost it?"

"Yup, he lost it. I didn't give up on him, Harleigh. I didn't do that."

"I know you didn't."

"Why does he hate me so much?"

"He doesn't hate you. He's just going through something right now. You know, all the questions he's been asking lately. He's just trying to work some things out for himself."

"Harleigh, I've just always tried to do what's best for him, and he hates me for it."

"Mike, I promise you he doesn't hate you."

"I gave him another headache."

I grinned.

"OK, he might hate you – temporarily."

* * *

After their fight about Joe Williams' phone call, Shaun didn't come back inside.

So I went to him.

"Shaun..."

"I'm sorry, Harleigh."

"You don't have anything to be sorry about."

"I promise I wasn't drinking."

"I believe you."

"I wasn't drinking. I promise."

"Shaun, I believe you."

"Mike he just... he just doesn't give me any credit. I'm always going to be a fuck-up to him."

"Shaun, he just worries about you."

"Maybe he's right."

"What?"

"Why would you want to be with a drunk like me?"

* * *

I was curled up on the bed beside him as he slept.

He rolled over and looked at me as he woke up.

I kissed his forehead.

"Feeling better?"

He nodded.

"Good."

"Where's Mike?"

"He went back to his apartment."

"Good."

"Shaun, he loves you."

"He was planning my funeral."

"No one thought you were going to make it through those first couple days."

"His life would be so much easier without me."

"That's not true, Shaun."

"Maybe it would have been easier for everyone."

I couldn't stop the tears.

"You don't mean that."

* * *

Jon had been staying with Greg for a week. Shaun and I had gone up to visit one evening.

We fought the entire way home.

"Shaun, you know how Jon is."

"Yeah, and so do you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"What do you think it's supposed to mean, Harleigh?"

"I don't know."

"The least you could do is stand up for me when he takes that fucking condescending tone with me."

He tried to mimic Jon's voice.

"Shaun, what do you think about the situation in Iraq? Or excuse me, is that above your construction-worker reading level?"

"He didn't say that, Shaun."

"He might as well have."

"Why do you have to be like this?"

"Why do I have to be like what, Harleigh?"

"Such an ass."

"Oh, I'm the ass now. I see. So it's perfectly fine for your brother to treat me like a piece of shit, but when it pisses me off, I'm the ass?"

"You're acting like an ass right now."

"Fine. Maybe Jon's right."

"Whatever, Shaun."

"Maybe we shouldn't see each other."

* * *

It was about 4:30 the next morning.

Shaun wasn't in bed beside me.

"Shaun, honey, where are you?"

He didn't answer.

"Shaun?"

I found him in the kitchen. His back was to me.

"I can't get this damn bottle open."

"Shaun, are you OK?"

"I can't get this damn bottle open."

I moved closer to him.

"Is it another headache?"

"I can't get..."

I watched his fingers fumbling with the medicine bottle.

I ran my hand along his back.

"Shaun, let me help you. I'll..."

"No, I can... I can..."

"Shaun..."

"Fuck!"

He threw the bottle across the room.

* * *

Shaun just dropped me off at my apartment, the night of the visit with Jon and Greg. No kiss. No good night.

He just waited for me to get out of his truck.

Then he drove off.

I called his cellphone.

It went straight to voicemail.

"Shaun, it's me. Are you there?"

Nothing.

"I'm sorry about everything tonight. I know I shouldn't let Jon treat you the way he does or say the things he says to you, but it's just really hard."

I waited to see if he was there.

Nothing.

"So, I love you. I hope you're OK."

Nothing.

"I love you, Shaun."

* * *

Shaun didn't wake up again until about 2.

He sat down on the couch beside me.

"You OK?"

"I feel like shit."

"You don't look too good."

"Thanks."

"Mike stopped by while you were sleeping."

I waited for Shaun to say something. He didn't.

"Shaun, he was worried about you."

"Two days before my accident, Mike's company offered him a promotion. The job was in Seattle."

"What?"

"He was going to take it, too. Then this happened, and I messed things up for him again, Harleigh. I messed things up for him again."

* * *

It was 5:30 the next morning when my phone rang.

"Harleigh?"

"Shaun?"

I was barely awake.

"Listen, I just called Jon."

"Shaun, what's going on?"

"I just called Jon and told him a bunch of reasons why I'm the perfect guy for you."

"Sweetie..."

"I don't want last night to mess things up with us."

"Shaun..."

"I make killer steaks. I know all the words to 'Turtle Power' and 'Ice Ice Baby' – your two favorite songs. I'm a pretty funny guy. I don't snore."

"Shaun, what are you doing?"

"I'm going over my list with you."

* * *

Through the window I could see Mike sitting out by the pool.

I went outside.

"Is this seat taken?"

"Hey, Harleigh. How's Shaun?"

"Doing better, just a rough day. How are you?"

"I'm hanging in there."

"Mike..."

"What?"

"Shaun told me about Seattle."

"About Seattle? What about Seattle?"

"He said you were going to take a job there but then the accident happened and..."

"What? I wasn't moving to Seattle. Yeah, they offered me the job, but I wasn't going to take it. Is that really what he thinks?"

"He thinks he messed everything up again for you."

"I didn't want that job. And I don't belong in Seattle. I belong here."

* * *

"How did you end up here, Harleigh?"

"Here?"

"Yeah, here."

We were in Shaun's apartment.

"I drove my little silver car across Spring Street then turned right on..."

"You aren't funny. I mean here, here in this town."

"Well, I heard about a job opening when I graduated from school, and it seemed perfect."

"What seemed perfect?"

"It's such a good school. And it's close to Greg, and Noah and Drew aren't that far away. I don't know. It just seemed right, you know."

"Didn't you ever just want to close your eyes and point to a spot on a map and go there, wherever it was?"

"Ummm, no. Did you?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"When I first got clean, I thought it would be easier to do that. I thought I could just leave all that shit behind me."

"What changed?"

"I realized no matter where I went I was gonna carry all this with me. And I realized I belonged here."

"With me."

"What?"

"You belong here with me, Shaun."

* * *

When I got home from work Monday, Luis was in the kitchen. Shaun was in bed.

"Headache?"

"No, just tired. He had a rough day at therapy."

"What happened, Luis? Is he OK?"

"He's OK. But I don't think he's as OK as he'd like to be. You know what I mean?"

"So what do we do?"

"Keep telling him it's going to be OK."

"I think he's getting tired of hearing that."

* * *

"Mike just threw me out of his apartment."

"What, Shaun? What happened?"

It was Mike's 30th birthday. I was making dinner, and Shaun had picked a cake up after work.

"I told him he was acting more pathetic than a 16-year-old girl with a face covered in acne and a mouthful of braces who got stood up on prom night by the captain of the chess team."

"Shaun..."

"He's up there blabbering about how he's going to be fat and old and bald and childless and wifeless for the rest of his life."

"Awww. But he's not fat, old or bald."

"Yet."

"You're terrible."

"I told him he had to get up off his fat, hairy, saggy ass and get out once in a while if he ever wanted to meet anybody."

"You didn't, did you?"

"I did."

"And?"

"That's when he told me to get out."

* * *

I sat on the bed beside him as he slept.

When his eyes opened, he looked up at me and smiled.

"Hey, Harleigh."

I kissed his forehead.

"Hey, sleepyhead."

He closed his eyes again.

"Rough day?"

"Real rough."

"Wanna tell me about it?"

"Same shit as every other day."

"Do you feel like eating some dinner?"

"Yeah, I think I do."

"How about your favorite?"

"Are we talking about spaghetti and meatballs?"

"Yes, we are."

"That would be terrific."

"Great. I'll go call Mike."

"Harleigh..."

* * *

Spaghetti and meatballs was Shaun's and Mike's favorite thing for dinner. They had even given me their mom's recipe.

I'm sure it wasn't as good as what she made, but they both told me they loved it.

So that's what I made for Mike's birthday.

"Please tell me you didn't get a cake."

Shaun was in the kitchen lighting the 30 candles.

"It's your birthday."

"I'm just not in a very birthday-y mood."

"What's wrong?"

"My quarter-life crisis has been going on for the last five years. It's never going to end."

"Awww, Mike, you've got a great job. You've got me and Shaun."

"I know."

A shout from the kitchen.

"He's lonely and horny, Harleigh."

"Shut up, Shaun." Mike grinned.

Shaun made his entrance with the cake and its 30 candles.

Mike took one look at it.

"Shit, you two."

"I wanted to get you a prostitute for your birthday. But Harleigh said we had to get you something that wasn't against the law."

* * *

Shaun and Mike had not even looked at each other let alone talk to one another during dinner.

"So I'm going to go do the dishes and let the two of you talk."

Shaun's voice pulled me back.

"Harleigh, wait.

"I'm sorry that I've been such a dick to both of you lately. I don't know... I just... It's been hard... I'm sorry."

"Shaun, about the funeral stuff..."

"Don't, Mike. I understand. I just want things to be how they were before any of this."

"They're getting there, Shaun." Mike tried to smile at him.

"Not fast enough."

* * *

It was about a week after Mike's 30th birthday.

"If I was a woman, I'd enter a convent."

"Mike, you don't mean that."

"I'm lonely, Harleigh."

Shaun was at his AA meeting, and Mike had come over.

"I'm sorry."

"For so long I was worried about my job and getting promoted and all that shit. Then I was worried about Shaun and helping him get clean and then helping him stay clean. Now I don't have any of that stuff to worry about."

"And?"

"And I feel kinda empty."

"Are you over Meghen?"

"Yeah, I think I am — finally."

"There's this new librarian at the school."

"A librarian?"

"No, Mike, she's not just a librarian. She's kind of a seductive librarian."

* * *

I got a message to call Mike during my break period.

He had taken Shaun to see Dr. Moore about his hand that morning.

"It's not good, Harleigh."

"What happened?"

"He wants to operate on Shaun's hand, get a little bit more fine movement back."

"Does he think it'll help?"

"He said Shaun would probably get about 75 percent of the use of his hand back without it, and probably all of it with it."

"What's the problem then?"

"Shaun won't have it."

* * *

"Do you know how much work it took for me to get Shaun to agree to meet you?"

"What are you talking about, Mike?"

"You weren't the only one resisting my Cupid tendencies."

"Your Cupid tendencies?"

"Yeah, give me some credit. I'm the reason you two are together."

"Yes, you are."

"Thank you."

"So Shaun didn't want to meet me?"

"Nope, not at first."

"And why not?"

"Because..."

"Because why?"

"Because I had tried to hook him up with this girl I worked with, and she was just a little bit different."

"How different, Mike?"

"She made him come over and watch six hours of a Golden Girls marathon with her."

"Classic."

"Needless to say, he wasn't too trusting after that."

"I've only ever made him watch a 'Murder, She Wrote' marathon."

* * *

Shaun was watching a talk show when I got home from work.

"What're you watching?"

"One of those 'Who's the daddy of my baby' things. That girl in the red's got it narrowed down to five guys — five guys."

His attempt at hiding how upset he was didn't work.

"So how'd your doctor's appointment go today?"

"I'm not having it, Harleigh."

"Shaun..."

"Please don't do this to me."

I turned the TV off and took his hand.

"Shaun, listen to me, please. Mike told me that you'd get full use of your hand back."

"I'm not having it."

"Why?"

"Don't you think they've cut me up enough already?"

"Shaun..."

"I don't want to go back to that hospital."

"It won't be for that long, only a couple days probably."

"I'm so scared, Harleigh."

I could see the tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

"Shaun, shhhh. Just relax. Mike and Kristin and I, we'll all be right there."

"What if I never get better?"

"You're getting better every day."

He wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

"God, I'm such a mess. What's been wrong with me lately?"

"So you'll have it?"

He nodded.

"But I really liked having you button and unbutton my shirts and jeans for me — especially my jeans."

"We'll work something out."

* * *

"Mike is such a tool."

Shaun had barged into my apartment.

"What happened? What's wrong?"

"He wants to sell it. The fucker wants to sell it."

"What does he want to sell?"

"Our house."

"Ohhhh."

Shaun and Mike owned their parents' house. Because neither of them wanted to take care of the huge house and its acres of land, they rented it out.

"The family who was living there moved out last month. And we haven't found anybody else interested in renting."

"So Mike wants to sell and you don't?"

"No, I don't. That's our house. I grew up in that house."

"I know."

"I don't know what's going on with me. But I'm feeling really emotionally attached to things like that house. I'm having issues or something."

"You aren't having issues. It's normal."

"Harleigh, I want to move into that house."

"You do?"

"Yeah, not today or tomorrow or next week or whenever, but someday I want to move into that house."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I do."

"I'm sure you and Mike can work something out."

"I'm gonna buy his half from him."

"Shaun..."

"I want that house."

* * *

Shaun sat on the exam room table in Dr. Moore's office.

I stood beside him, holding his hand.

"Like I told Shaun and Mike, there's still a little bit of damage in his right hand. I think if we operate, we can get him full use of his hand back."

"So his therapy sessions aren't enough?"

"He's made a lot of progress there, but I don't think he's going to regain full use of his hand without this operation. But the decision is entirely up to Shaun."

We both looked at him.

"How long will I have to stay in the hospital?"

"If everything goes OK, just overnight."

"Just overnight?"

"Just overnight. Then we'll send you back home to Harleigh, who I know will take excellent care of you."

"So when do we do this?"

"Whenever you're ready."

* * *

Shaun had shown me the house where he had grown up before, but he had never been able to take me inside because it had never been empty before.

We sat on the front porch for a while.

"I fell down these steps when I was six and busted my lip open."

"Awww."

My arms wrapped around him as I kissed his cheek.

"I told my mom Mike pushed me."

"Shaun..."

"He got grounded from the TV for a week."

"You two would have fit in perfectly with my brothers."

He stood up, holding onto my hand.

"Ready to go inside?"

"Yeah, I'm ready."

"This is my house, Harleigh."

* * *

I went up to Mike's apartment to tell him about our appointment with Dr. Moore.

"So he's going to have it?"

"Yup."

"How's he holding up?"

"He's scared, and he doesn't want to go back to the hospital."

"Would you?"

"Never."

* * *

"Mike, I wanna buy the house."

It was about two weeks before the accident.

"Shaun..."

"Don't, Mike. I wanna buy it. I'll pay you for your half."

"Shaun, what are you going to do with a house?"

"I'm gonna fix it up, and someday I'm gonna move into it. What the hell do you think I'm going to do with it?"

"You don't know what you're getting into."

"I wanna settle down, Mike."

Shaun was looking at me.

Mike was looking at me.

I was still trying to mentally digest "settle down."

* * *

Rose and I were sitting in the teachers' lounge.

"So how's the patient?"

"Tired of being a patient, I think."

"Ready to resume his boyfriend position."

"Resume it? He hasn't lost it."

"But he feels like he has."

"Why should he?"

"Harleigh, he loved taking care of you, protecting you. Harleigh's sink needs fixed. I better check out Harleigh's car before she goes to see Greg. Harleigh is this delicate little flower that I must protect from everything."

"You aren't funny."

"But you get my point?"

"Yeah."

* * *

"He freakin' wants to buy you a house, Harleigh. This is serious."

Rose was giving me her analysis of the situation.

"No, he doesn't want to buy me a house. He wants to buy the house he grew up in."

"Sweetie, he said he wanted to buy the house because he was ready to settle down."

"So?"

"Who do you think he wants to settle down with? The Chia head you got him for Christmas last year?"

"But, Rose, I didn't say anything. I just kind of stood there like the moronic idiot that I am."

"You're being redundant."

"Enough with the English lessons."

"So is Mike gonna sell him half?"

"I don't know. I think we were both so shocked by Shaun's settling down declaration that neither of us knew what to say."

"Mike won't sell it to him."

"You don't think so?"

"He'll give it to him. Think of it as your wedding gift."

"Whoa. Mind off the fast forward button."

* * *

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"I've been thinking about tomorrow."

Our anniversary.

"Tomorrow? What about tomorrow, Shaun?"

"You know tomorrow?"

"You mean Friday?"

I winked at him.

"So about our anniversary, Harleigh..."

"So about our anniversary, Shaun..."

"I made us reservations at Elliott's."

Our favorite restaurant.

"Oh did you?"

He nodded.

"And what about our rule, Shaun?"

After our first anniversary, we decided not to spend money on each other's anniversary gifts.

"Well, I think the rules can be bent a little this year. And besides, that's not your present."

The ring?

"Oh, it isn't? Well what is?"

"You get to see me in a tie."

* * *

Shaun and I had been palling around for weeks after that first baseball game. But that was it. Just friends.

"So Harleigh..."

He sounded nervous.

"So Shaun..."

"What are you doing tomorrow night?"

"Hmmm. That's a tough one. Nothing."

"Well, I was thinking... I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go to dinner with me?"

"Taco Bell or Burger King?"

Those were our two Friday night spots.

"Elliott's."

"What? Shaun?"

"Harleigh, will you go to dinner with me tomorrow night at Elliott's?"

"Are you? Is this?"

"God, I feel like I'm in junior high again. Why am I so nervous?"

"So this is a...?"

"Yes, Harleigh, I'm asking you out on a date."

* * *

Rose and I were walking to our cars after school.

"So I'm going to propose to Shaun tomorrow."

"You're what? Harleigh..."

"It's our anniversary."

"Three years?"

"Three years."

"Sweetie, I don't think..."

"He was going to propose to me, Rose."

"I know."

"He even had the ring."

"I know."

"I found... What? You knew?"

Rose nodded.

"Was I the only one who didn't?"

"Pretty much."

"When? Well who? Why?"

"I can still remember the day he took Mike and me and showed us the ring. He was so excited and so nervous."

"I ruined it, Rose. I really ruined everything."

"You didn't ruin anything. He'll..."

"No, he won't. He's never even said the word marriage in front of me again."

"Harleigh, he loves you. And I know he wants to marry you."

"Did he tell you that? When did he tell you that? Recently?"

"OK, relax. You just need to give him time."

"Time to what?"

"Time to heal so he can get down on one knee."

* * *

We were in Shaun's truck on our way to Elliott's for our first official date.

His eyes were focused on the road.

"You look really pretty tonight, Harleigh."

"Thanks, you don't look all that bad yourself. You know I think this is the first time I've seen you that you haven't been wearing jeans or shorts."

He laughed.

"It probably is."

"You clean up well."

"Yeah, it happens once or twice a year."

"Only once or twice?"

"Yeah, Mike's not real good about letting me borrowing his clothes."

He was grinning.

* * *

I could feel Shaun's eyes on me as I drove to Elliott's.

"Three years, Shaun. Three years."

"We almost didn't make it."

I looked at him.

"I almost didn't make it, Harleigh."

I squeezed his hand.

"I wasn't going to let you leave me."

"Thank you, Harleigh."

"For what?"

"For everything. I know this isn't easy on you either. Sometimes I get so caught up in how shitty I'm feeling or feeling sorry for myself that I forget how much this has hurt you too. And I want us to go back to how we were before."

"No."

"No what?"

"No looking back, just looking forward."

* * *

I was already nervous enough about having an official date with Shaun.

But the fact that he was nervous made me even more nervous.

"Harleigh..."

"Shaun..."

He started to laugh.

"What? What's so funny?"

"Why is this so awkward?"

"I don't know."

"Mike was going over this list of manners and stuff before I left."

"Really?"

"He's like, 'Keep your elbows off the table. Open the doors for her. Chew with your mouth closed.' And I told him, 'Mike, she's already seen me shoot grape Kool-Aid out my nose.'"

"The Kool-Aid shooting incident was pretty impressive."

"Yeah? I think if I tried to give you a repeat performance tonight, they might kick us out."

"Shaun..."

"What?"

"It's really nice being here with you tonight."

"Even though I haven't kept my elbows off the table the whole night?"

"I haven't even noticed."

* * *

Shaun hadn't stopped smiling since we got to the restaurant.

"You look so happy, Shaun."

"I am happy."

"Me too."

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"I just want you... I just want to tell you how much I love you. I mean I love you more than I've ever loved anybody, more than I thought I could ever love anybody. I just... I want..."

"Shaun..."

"I'm sorry. I'm rambling."

"That's OK. So you mentioned that you love me?"

"Through all this shit we've been through, the accident and everything, I've realized I'm more in love with you now than I ever have been. And..."

"And what?"

"And it has taken three years, but I've finally won over Jon, too."

* * *

We had finished dinner at Elliott's.

Shaun said he knew a place by the lake that was perfect for looking at the stars.

For some reason I believed him. And I trusted him.

"I bet you bring all the girls here."

"You're the first."

"Really?"

"Really. My dad proposed to my mom here, and he used to bring me and Mike here all the time when we were little. We have a cabin up here, and I still come up sometimes."

"Awww. That's so sweet. And here I had you pegged for a player."

He laughed.

"I am definitely not a player. Well, at least not anymore. Maybe I used to be but not anymore."

"A retired player?"

"Hmmm. A reformed player."

"I see."

"If I tell you something, promise you won't laugh, Harleigh?"

"I promise."

"This is my first real date in over a year."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Nope."

"I just thought..."

"Don't let these good looks deceive you."

He was looking up at the stars, but I could see the grin on his face.

"Part of the reformation?"

"Yeah, I had a lot of issues of my own that I had to work out on my own before I got into a relationship."

"Wow."

"Surprised at my relationship maturity, Harleigh?"

"Yeah, kind of, I guess."

"Well it took a lot of mistakes, some pretty big ones, before I realized I needed to fix me before becoming part of a we."

* * *

Shaun and I sat on a blanket by the lake. He pulled me close to him and kissed me – the kind of kiss that would have made my knees weak if I had been standing.

"I wish we could just stay here forever, Harleigh."

"We can't."

"I know that."

"We're going away tomorrow."

He looked at me.

"What?"

"I believe we have reservations at Greg's cabin in the mountains. Happy anniversary, Shaun."

"We're going away tomorrow? Just me and you? No doctors or nurses or therapists or Mike or anybody?"

"Just us."

"How'd you do this?"

"I talked to all your doctors last week and Luis. And they all said they thought it would be good for you. And I promised you would spend most of the weekend in bed."

Shaun laughed.

"You're gonna be in the bed with me, right?"

"Let's just say I did some shopping after school today."

* * *

Shaun had walked me to my apartment door.

"I had a really good time tonight, Harleigh."

"I did, too."

"So do you think this is... Would you wanna go out again sometime?"

"I'd really like that."

"Me too."

"Shaun..."

"What?"

"I hadn't been out on a date in more than a year either."

"And here I had you pegged for a player."

"That's me."

"I call them like I see them."

"Thanks for everything tonight, Shaun."

"You're welcome. Good night, Harleigh."

"Good night."

* * *

Shaun's arms were wrapped around my waist as we walked through the apartment door.

"Tonight was perfect, Shaun."

"I've got one more surprise for you. Wait right here. I've gotta get it."

Visions of the engagement ring.

Shaun came out of the bedroom with a shirt-size box.

"Sorry, it's kind of messy. Mike's not very good at wrapping things."

"Shaun, what is this? Why?"

"Just open it, Harleigh."

Inside was a scrapbook filled with memories from our three years together. Ticket stubs from the first baseball game we went to together. Pictures from when Shaun surprised me for my birthday at school, from the roller-skating party. Notes I had left him.

"Shaun..."

I was starting to cry as I turned the pages.

"You don't like it?"

"No, I love it. You're amazing, you know that?"

"Luis and Mike helped me with it. I'm still not handy with scissors yet. But I'm getting better and..."

I stopped his nervous rambling. I kissed him.

"Shaun, I didn't know you kept all this stuff."

"I thought you'd think I was a psycho or something if you knew I did."

I couldn't stop crying. He pulled me close.

"I'm so lucky to have you, Shaun."

I rested my head on his shoulder.

"Everything is going to be OK, Harleigh. Everything is going to be OK."

Although I had been telling everyone, including myself, that since the accident, I never really believed it.

Until that night.

* * *

"So Greg called and wanted to know if we wanted to spend the weekend at his cabin with him and Ann and Drew and Beth."

"That sounds great, Harleigh."

"Good, I'll call and tell him we'll be there."

"Jon's not going to be there, right?"

"Shaun..."

"It's just that I saw this movie with Ice-T and these guys told him they were going to take him hunting. But they actually ended up hunting him."

"Shaun..."

"And there was this room with all these heads in glass jars."

"Jon's not going to be there."

* * *

We were about two hours into our three-hour trip.

I looked over at Shaun. He was looking out the window, smiling.

I reached over and squeezed his knee.

"What're you thinking?"

"I feel alive again, Harleigh. I feel alive."

I wanted to ask him what he meant, but he didn't give me a chance.

"I feel like I can have a life again, like I'm not always gonna be a patient, like someday I might make it a couple hours without thinking about the accident. You know?"

"I know."

"And this... this... being here with you, this is great. We're here, and all that shit is so far back there."

He rolled down the window a couple inches.

"I feel alive again, Harleigh."

* * *

Shaun turned up the radio as he was driving to the cabin.

"November Rain" was playing.

"They used to play this at all the junior high dances I would go to, and I'd always make sure to ask the girl I really, really liked to dance to this song because it was so long."

"Always a player."

He reached over and took ahold of my hand.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"If I wasn't driving right now, I'd ask you to dance."

* * *

When we got to Greg's cabin, Shaun looked tired but he insisted on carrying our bags.

He sat down on the couch. I sat down beside him and started to massage his back.

"How's that?"

"Ummm, good. My back kinda started to hurt in the car."

"You OK?"

"Don't worry about me. I'm fine."

"How about you go and take a little nap, and I'll go to the store and get some groceries for dinner and breakfast tomorrow?"

"I don't need a nap."

"I don't think you'll be getting much sleep tonight."

Somehow I got the line out without laughing. I saw Shaun smirk.

"What a saucy vixen you've become."

"You haven't seen anything yet."

* * *

Beth and I were in the kitchen getting things ready for dinner.

Ann was lying down, and Shaun and my brothers had gone into town to pick up some things.

"So are you guys talking about it yet, Harleigh?"

"About what?"

I didn't really have to ask.

"About getting married?"

"No."

"Why the hell not?"

Out of all Drew's girlfriends, I liked Beth the most. She had a lot more class than most of them. But she still had personality.

Most of the time I thought she deserved much better than Drew.

"I don't know. Maybe we're both a little long-term commitment phobic."

"Nice diagnosis, Harleigh. But you two are just so perfect."

"No, we aren't."

"Yes, you are."

"Trust me, Beth. We aren't."

"Tell me the last big thing you fought about."

"Jon. We're always fighting about Jon."

"Well, Jon's an ass. And he's an even bigger ass to Shaun so that doesn't really count."

"We still fight."

"But I bet it doesn't even compare to Drew and me. It's all the time, constant. And it's about everything."

"What keeps you two together?"

"I think in some really sick and twisted way we really, really love each other."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. And we have amazing makeup sex."

* * *

Shaun was sleeping when I got back from the store.

I started making dinner and called Mike to let him know everything was OK.

"How's he doing?"

"He's sleeping now. I think the trip kinda tired him out a little bit. But he's doing good."

"He was so excited this morning before you left."

"I think we needed some time away from everything."

"He loves you, Harleigh. He loves you so much. And he never would have made it through any of this without you."

* * *

There was at least two feet of space between Shaun and me in the bed.

It felt weird to be sleeping in same bed with him in Greg's cabin with Greg in the room next door.

Or maybe I was just weird that way.

He turned over on his side and looked at me.

"Hey, Harleigh?"

"Hey what?"

"I'm really glad we're here."

"Me too."

"I remember the first time I met Greg I was so nervous."

"Really? Why?"

I wiggled over closer to him.

"Because I wanted him to like me. And I didn't know if he would. And I couldn't figure out why you liked me. I was just so nervous."

"Greg thinks you're great. And so do I."

Then we heard the sounds coming from Beth and Drew's room.

"Shaun, please tell me that's not what I think it is."

"Sorry, it's exactly what you think it is."

"I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry about?"

"That you have to listen to my brother make barnyard-esque noises while he's having sex."

* * *

After dinner, I started cleaning up.

Shaun lit some candles and put a CD on. He turned the lights off.

"Shaun..."

He came over and put his finger against my lips.

"Shhh. We'll clean up later."

He pulled me against him, and we started to dance.

For a while, neither of us spoke. He just held me close, and my head rested on his shoulder.

"You're perfect, Harleigh."

"No, I'm not."

"You know it's useless to argue with me."

"I know."

"Harleigh..."

"Hmmm?"

"I wanted to end this, end us."

I pulled away and looked up at him, trying not to cry.

"What?"

He pulled me back against him and kissed the top of my head.

"When I was in the hospital, I didn't want to put you through all that shit. Every day you were there. And every day you looked so sad. And I felt like it was all my fault. I thought"

"I love you, Shaun. I wouldn't have left you."

"I felt like I was keeping you from being happy. And I didn't know if I was going to get better or how long it was going to take or if I could ever be the guy you fell in love with again."

"I wouldn't have left you."

"But, Harleigh, we're gonna be OK. We're really gonna be OK."

"I know we are."

"And I'm getting stronger every day. Some days now I only have to take two naps."

He was grinning.

* * *

The morning after Drew and Beth's sex marathon, Greg and I went out for a walk before anyone else was awake.

"Did you and Shaun get any sleep last night?

"You mean with the sex fest going on next door?"

"That's Drew."

"Yeah, that's Drew."

"Harleigh, I'm glad you and Shaun came this weekend."

"It meant a lot to Shaun that you would want him here."

"I know Jon has some issues with him, but he's such a good guy."

"I love him so much, Greg."

"It shows."

"What?"

"The way you two look at each other, that's what they make great movies about."

* * *

It wasn't like I turned into a sex addict or anything after that first time with Shaun. But we kind of were trying to make up for lost time.

And thinking that first time with him was amazing, I had no idea.

Shaun rolled over beside me. I could see his chest heaving.

"You OK, Shaun?"

His eyes were glazed over as he nodded at me.

"Did I wear you out?"

I couldn't help snickering.

"I don't think... I don't think I've... I don't..."

"Speechless? Have I made you speechless, Shaun?"

He pulled me close and started to kiss my chest.

"Making love to you is better than I ever imagined, and I had to imagine for close to three years so you can imagine what I imagined or something like that."

"Thanks for waiting for me."

"Harleigh?"

"Hmmm?"

"Did you ever think about it?"

"About what?"

I was getting nervous.

"About maybe the two of us, you know, having kids?"

So we were going to skip the marriage question and go right to the children. I was confused.

"Yeah, I have."

"Me, too."

I looked at him.

"You have?"

"It's weird, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately."

I had been, too.

"Really?"

"I know for a lot of my life I was pretty messed up. But I don't think I would damage a kid too bad."

"You'll make a great dad."

What I wanted to say was husband.

* * *

Greg, Shaun and Drew had gone fishing.

Ann and I were sitting by the lake.

"Harleigh, I have to be honest with you. When I first met Shaun, when I first heard about Shaun, I never thought it would last between the two of you."

"I think everybody felt that way."

"I thought he had too much baggage for you, too many issues, too many problems he had to work out."

"Me too. When I found out about everything, there was a part of me that just wanted to call it quits even before anything really got started, pack my bags and head for the convent."

"Harleigh, sweetie..."

"But that would have been the biggest mistake I've ever made."

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, Shaun was watching me. Usually it was the other way around.

He kissed my forehead.

"Good morning, sleepyhead."

"Morning."

"You look beautiful."

"Shaun..."

He put his finger on my lips and then started planting kisses down my chest and stomach.

I felt his fingers tug at my panties.

"Harleigh, is this OK?"

"Mmmm hmmmm."

Word formation was not an option at this point.

What followed was what I later described to Rose as a blissful combination of tongue and fingers.

My fingers ran through Shaun's hair.

"Shaun, mmmm, omigod."

When Shaun resumed his place lying beside me, I looked into his eyes.

They looked alive.

"Shaun..."

His arms wrapped around me.

"Sorry. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to keep my hands off you today."

He was grinning.

* * *

Drew and I were doing the dishes after dinner. Everyone else was outside on the porch.

"You and Beth have a good time last night?"

I was trying not to snicker.

"Yeah, we did. Thanks for asking."

"That's what I thought."

"You know, Harleigh, I would have expected to hear similar sounds coming from you guys' room. You know Ann and Greg are an old married couple. But you and Shaun, there's no excuse for you guys."

"Drew..."

"Come on, Harleigh. What are you waiting for?"

"What do you mean what am I waiting for?"

"I know you aren't that naïve. Why aren't you fucking him?"

"I'm not talking to you if you're going to be so rude and crude."

"He loves you, Harleigh. It's not like you're going to sleep with him and wake up and he's gone."

"It's just different. You don't understand."

"Tell me. How's it different?"

"Because for you, sex is just like kissing someone good night. For me, it still it still has some kind of special significance."

"Special significance?"

"Shaun and I have a real relationship."

"I'm happy for you. And I bet knowing that he has a 'real relationship' is super comforting to Shaun when his cock's hard."

* * *

I found Shaun in the kitchen making omelets.

I came up and wrapped my arms around him.

"That smells amazing."

"I thought you might be hungry this morning, Harleigh."

He looked happy – really happy.

"I'm starving."

I got some plates and glasses out of the cupboard.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"Are you sure we have to go back today?"

There was nothing I wanted more than to stay there forever with him.

"Sorry, cutie. I've got work, and Friday..."

"No, don't say it. I know what Friday is. But let's not think about it now. OK?"

"OK."

"Let's just think about how we are going to eat this wonderful breakfast. And then..."

"And then what?"

"And then I am going to take you back upstairs and make love to you."

He leaned into me, pressing me up against the refrigerator, and kissed me.

"I don't think we're going to make it through breakfast or back upstairs, Shaun."

* * *

I was giving Shaun a backrub.

All was quiet in Drew and Beth's room for the time being.

"Shaun, are you satisfied?"

"Am I satisfied with what? With this backrub? Yes, it's amazing."

"No, are you sexually satisfied?"

He rolled over. I was sitting on his stomach as he took ahold of my hands.

"What are you talking about?"

"Do you feel like there's a void in our relationship because we aren't sleeping together?"

"No."

He pushed the hair away from my face.

"Harleigh, what's going on?"

"I was talking with Drew."

"The walking hormone."

I didn't say anything.

"Harleigh, I never imagined I would be dating someone for more than a year, really actually more than a couple months or weeks really, and not be sleeping with them, but..."

I started to cry. He pulled me down so I my head rested on his chest. He kissed my forehead.

"You need to let me finish, OK?"

"OK."

"But then I met you. And, I love you. I love just being with you or talking with you or joking around with you."

"I love you too. But I just don't want to be ripping you off."

"Ripping me off?"

"A girlfriend without the sex."

* * *

It was early evening.

Our bags were in the car.

Shaun was sitting on the porch swing.

I cuddled up beside him.

"Thank you, Harleigh."

"For what?"

"For this. This weekend was perfect."

"We needed this."

"Are we OK, Harleigh? You know, are we really OK?"

"Of course, we are."

"It's just that I always thought my drinking or the stupid shit I've done would be why we fell apart. I didn't think it would be some car accident."

"Shaun, we aren't falling apart."

"I know that. I mean, deep down I know that. But how much more can you take? How much more can I expect you to take?"

"It's all part of the deal."

"What deal?"

"The in sickness and in health deal."

His arms wrapped around me.

* * *

Shaun was putting our stuff in his truck.

I was saying goodbye to Greg.

"You're my favorite little sister, Harleigh."

"I'm your only little sister."

"That's irrelevant."

"We had a great time this weekend. Thanks for everything."

"You guys are welcome here anytime."

"That means a lot."

"Take good care of him. He's looking a little bit skinny. You might need to do some more cooking."

He was laughing as he hugged me.

"Look at him, Greg."

"I know."

"He's just so perfect."

"He loves you, Harleigh."

* * *

We had stopped for gas on our way home.

I had gone inside to grab two bottles of pop. And when I came back out, Shaun was in the driver's seat.

About a month ago, Shaun's doctor said it would be OK for him to start driving again.

Shaun didn't want to.

I got in on the passenger's side.

"Shaun?"

"I'm ready, Harleigh."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure. Buckle up. It's been awhile."

I looked at how tightly his fingers were wrapped around the steering wheel.

"We need to get you a new truck."

"No."

"No what?"

"I want an SUV, more room."

"More room for what?"

He was grinning.

"Our kids."

"We don't have any kids."

"Not yet. But we will."

I noticed how he slowed down whenever a car came toward us.

"You're doing great, Shaun."

"I'm ready to go back to work."

"What?"

Driving was one thing. Working construction was another.

"Well, not work work. But they told me when I was ready, I could come back and work in the office. Maybe only for a couple hours a day at first, but I think I can do it."

I ran my hand along the side of his face.

"That sounds good."

"And I want to sign up for school again, take a class or two."

"Shaun..."

"And I want to..."

"Shaun, shhh. Let's just take it slow."

* * *

"November Rain" came on the radio during our trip home.

"Do you hear this, Harleigh? It must be the 'November Rain' weekend."

He turned the radio up.

"My brothers like you so much."

He turned and smiled at me.

"I am a charmer, aren't I?"

"Yup, you are, Mr. Parker."

"And you know what, Harleigh?"

"What?"

"Eventually Jon will fall victim to my charm."

"Oh really?"

"Really. It's inevitable."

* * *

We got back to the apartment at about 10.

The light was on in Mike's apartment, and we decided to let him know we were back.

He sat on the couch, holding Kristin.

Shaun stood in the doorway, holding me.

"So did you guys have a good weekend?" Mike smiled at us.

Shaun pulled me closer.

"It was perfect." I could hear the happiness in Shaun's voice.

I thought I saw Mike trying to look at my hand.

Maybe I was seeing things.

"Shaun drove part of the way home."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really."

Mike looked like he wanted to hug his brother.

I knew how he felt.

"Well, you know, how was it? How did it feel?"

"God, Mike, it's not like I had sex for the first time. I just drove again."

"I'm proud of you."

* * *

Shaun had just finished watching a football game at Mike's.

When he came down to my apartment, he was laughing.

"What are you laughing at, silly boy?"

"I think there's something wrong with Mike."

"What's wrong with him?"

"We were watching the game all normal and stuff, and then he puts the TV on mute. And he turns and looks at me with this really weird look."

"Is he OK?"

"He was just like, 'Shaun, I want you to know how proud I am of you and how much I love you.' What the hell?"

"Awww."

"And then he hugged me. He hugged me."

"He loves you."

"It was just so random, so weird."

"Next week."

"What about next week?"

"Three years, Shaun."

"It's no big deal."

"It's a huge deal."

"But he hugged me, Harleigh."

I wrapped my arms around him.

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him to quit acting like an idiot and unmute the TV because we'd just missed a huge interception."

* * *

"What the hell did Mike mean he was proud of me?"

Shaun and I were lying in bed.

I rolled over and rested my head on Shaun's chest.

"Well, you know you haven't driven since..."

I couldn't finish.

"Since the accident. It's OK. You can say it. It's not like I don't know what happened."

"Since the accident."

It was hard enough to think about let alone say out loud sometimes.

"I'm sorry, Harleigh. I didn't mean to snap at you."

"I was really proud of you too, Shaun."

"I just want everything to go back to normal. But I have to go and have this fuckin' surgery on Friday, and everything is gonna be messed up again."

* * *

"Shaun, can I ask you something?"

"Are Mike and I really brothers? Sometimes I think he's adopted."

"No."

"Of course, ask away."

"Sometimes do you still wanna drink or have the urge to or am I making any sense at all?"

"Yeah, you're making sense. And, yeah, I still do."

"You do?"

"I do. Maybe when it's been a really rough day or things just aren't going the way I want them to... I don't know. Sometimes it just hits me."

"But what keeps you from doing it?"

"I look at everything I have, everything I would lose if I let that shit mess my life up again."

* * *

Thursday night we tried to go to bed early. It didn't work.

Shaun seemed a mile away as he lay in the bed with me.

"Shaun, you need to try to get some sleep."

"I can't sleep, not tired."

"Are you scared?"

He didn't answer.

"Shaun, don't be scared. I'm gonna be there and Mike and Kristin. And..."

"I hate hospitals. Ever since my mom died, I've hated them."

"I know. But, Shaun, tomorrow is going to be nothing compared to everything else you've been through."

He turned his head and looked at me.

"Promise me you won't cry tomorrow, Harleigh."

"I promise."

* * *

Last summer Noah messed up his knee water skiing.

He had to have surgery so I went to take care of him for a week.

He wasn't just my brother. He was one of my best friends.

And as soon as I saw him in that hospital bed, I started to cry.

"There will be no crying in my hospital room, Harleigh."

I hugged him as best I could.

"How're you doing, Noah?"

"I feel like a piece of shit, but I'm super glad you're here."

"You're stuck with me for a week."

"I think they should have just cut my entire leg off. It would've hurt less."

I took his hand.

"You're gonna be fine."

"I'm glad you're here, Harleigh."

"Anything for you."

"Actually I'm just glad you're here because of who my other options were. Dr. Jon who would be telling my doctor how to do her job. Drew who would be trying to get my doctor in bed or a janitorial closet. Or Greg who would try to hide his wedding ring and secretly check out my doctor. You're the best of the bunch."

"That means a lot."

* * *

I woke up at about 3. Shaun wasn't beside me.

I found him outside, sitting by the pool.

"Shaun..."

"This is where I talked to you for the first time. I don't know how I did it, how I got up the nerve. Everyone had been telling me I needed to be clean for a year before getting into a relationship – but I saw you and I wanted to talk to you so much, just talk to you."

He took my hand in his and kissed it.

"Shaun, it's freezing out here. You're gonna get sick."

"I can't sleep."

"Everything is going to be OK."

"I don't remember anything about before, just waking up and you and Mike crying. But nothing else, none of it."

"It seemed like you were in surgery forever."

"Yeah?"

"Mike and I just sat in the waiting room. Then Dr. Matthews came out and told us you had made it. No one thought you would. I didn't care what the doctor had to say. I just wanted to see you. So Mike talked to him, and I went into your room. It didn't even look like you. But I knew your eyes were going to open. It just took a little longer than I thought."

"Hey Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"I'm scared."

"I know, Shaun."

"I'm so scared."

"It's gonna be fine."

* * *

It was Noah's second night at home after his surgery.

There were seven messages from a Jessica on his cellphone.

"Noah..."

"Harleigh..."

"Who's Jessica?"

"Just some girl."

"Now I'd expect that kind of answer from Drew. But I expect better from you."

"Different standards for your brothers, that's awfully unfair, especially when I'm in the condition that I'm in."

"Out with it."

"Out with what?"

"Who is Jessica?"

"I think I need a nap."

"Noah..."

"What?"

"Who is she?"

"I met her at the gallery downtown a couple months ago."

"And?"

"And we hit it off. She's an amazing painter, just crazy beautiful stuff. So we went out a couple times. That's it."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is."

"If that was really it, you wouldn't have made such a big deal about it."

"She thinks she might be pregnant, and she says it's mine."

"Noah..."

"You asked."

"I just didn't... I just didn't think..."

"Sorry, I hate to ruin your perfect image of me."

"Noah, that's not it. Do you think it's yours?"

"I don't know. I don't know why she'd lie about it."

"Are you gonna call her?"

"I guess I have to. But I'm so scared, Harleigh. I'm so scared of what she's going to say."

"So you don't love her?"

"I barely know her."

"What if she is, Noah?"

"I don't know."

* * *

Shaun was all ready for surgery that morning.

The curtain enclosed me, him and Mike.

"You're looking pretty good in that gown, little brother."

"I'm glad you can make jokes at a time like this."

"You're gonna be fine."

I hadn't let go of Shaun's hand practically all morning.

And I had barely said anything.

Shaun looked up at me.

"You OK?"

I nodded.

He reached up and drew his hand along the side of my face.

"I love you, Harleigh."

I started to cry.

"Hey, what about our promise?"

"I'm so sorry, Shaun. I love you so much."

"Don't cry."

"Don't leave me. Please, Shaun."

"I'm not going anywhere. Please don't cry, Harleigh."

"I'm so scared, Shaun. I'm so scared."

Seeing him in that hospital bed brought too many memories back.

I was shaking now.

Shaun looked at his brother.

"Mike, please..."

Mike took me in his arms, and I buried my head in his chest.

"Shhhh, Harleigh. It's OK. Shaun's gonna be fine. Everything's gonna be OK."

I couldn't even look again at him lying in that bed.

I ran out of the room.

I heard Shaun's voice.

"Mike, make sure she's OK. And tell her that I love her."

* * *

I heard Noah's doorbell ringing.

He finally had fallen asleep on the couch so I ran to get it.

I opened the door, and I knew it had to be Jessica.

"Hi, umm, is Noah here?"

"Yeah, he's here. Umm, he's sleeping."

"Ohhh."

"I'm Harleigh. I'm his sister. I'm just staying with him for a few days because of his knee and stuff."

"Ohhh, his knee, I forgot about that. I'm sorry. I'm Jessica."

"Do you wanna come in? Have something to drink? Wait until he wakes up?"

"No, thanks. I don't think that's a good idea."

A groggy voice from the living room.

"Harleigh, who are you talking to? Is somebody here?"

"Come on in, Jessica."

"Are you sure? Are you sure he's OK?"

"He's OK."

I led her into the living room

"Ummm, Noah, Jessica's here to see you."

He looked like he wanted to kill me.

Neither one of them said anything.

"So I'm going to go for a walk or something, leave you two alone. OK, I'm leaving now."

I left, but I could still feel the awkwardness.

* * *

Kristin stayed in the waiting room.

Mike took me on a walk outside.

I had finally stopped crying.

"I feel like such a fool."

"You're not a fool. You're just in love."

"Yup, I am."

"It was hard seeing him like that again. It kind of freaked me out, too."

"It did?"

"Yeah."

"I just love him so much, Mike."

"I know you do. And, you know, that stupid soap opera he watches is the only reason you don't have a ring on your finger?"

"What?"

"Some character or something went to the doctor for some kind of operation like wart removal or something, and she ended up having a sex change and becoming a mute or something like that. Shaun just wanted to make sure that didn't happen."

I started to laugh.

"You're kidding, right?"

"You know Shaun."

I was still laughing.

"Only Shaun."

"He had the ring with him when he took you out for your anniversary and when you were at Greg's cabin. He really loves you, and he really wants to marry you. Trust me."

"He started talking about us having kids."

"Well, that's not gonna happen after the sex change."

He put his arm around my shoulders, and we went back inside the hospital.

* * *

Noah was alone when I got back to the apartment.

I sat down on the edge of the couch.

"Please don't be mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you, Harleigh."

"So?"

"So?"

"So is she?"

"No, she's not."

I took ahold of his hand.

"You OK?"

"Yeah, I'm OK."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Harleigh, can we just forget about this?"

"Yeah. You got it."

He turned his head away from me and closed his eyes.

"I love you, Noah."

* * *

It seemed like hardly any time had passed when Dr. Moore came and sat across from Mike, Kristin and me in the waiting room.

He was smiling, almost laughing at Mike and me.

"Don't look so worried. Shaun is fine."

"He's fine?"

"There wasn't quite as much damage as we anticipated, and things went extremely well. He's a strong guy."

Mike, of course, wanted more.

"So he's going to get full use of his hand back?"

"I think he will, but I can't make you any promises. He's going to have to take a couple steps back now before he makes any more progress, do you know what I mean?"

"Can we see him?"

Dr. Moore reached out and took my hand.

"He's going to be in recovery for a little bit longer. But how about I take you up to his room and you'll be there when he gets there?"

"That sounds good."

We all stood up.

Dr. Moore put his arm around me.

"When we got him into the operating room, Shaun told me, 'Dr. Moore, you gotta fix me up so I can put a ring on Harleigh's finger.'"

I could feel the tears welling up.

* * *

Noah and I were eating lunch.

It was the next to the last day of my visit with him.

"You know, Harleigh, up until my sophomore year of college I was all about not having sex until I was married."

We hadn't talked — directly or indirectly — about Jessica since her visit.

"Really?"

"Yeah. He'd kill me if he knew I'd told you this, but Drew knocked a girl up his sophomore year of college."

"What? Drew? Our brother Drew?"

"Yup, that Drew. Anyway, she didn't want to keep it, but Drew didn't have enough money for the abortion. So I helped them out with the big bucks I was making at that pizza place."

"You're kidding right?"

"And I thought he was such a prick, Harleigh. Just this insensitive piece of shit. And I swore I never wanted to be anything like him."

"You aren't."

"And he didn't even go with her to the clinic. He just wanted copies of the paperwork so he knew she went through with it. And I was just like that's it. No sex for me unless it's someone I'm with for the long haul."

"What happened?"

"Cassie Martin, room 828, sophomore year."

* * *

It was about an hour after they brought Shaun out of the recovery room that he really woke up.

I stood beside him, holding his hand.

Mike was sitting in a chair, reading a magazine. Kristin had gone home for a while.

I saw his eyes open. Then he smiled.

I leaned down and pressed my lips gently against his.

"Hey, Shaun. I love you."

He closed his eyes and started to cough.

His voice was scratchy.

"Am I OK?"

Mike had moved to the other side of the bed.

"They only got about halfway done with the sex change when they realized it was the wrong patient."

Shaun's eyes were closed, but he smiled.

I ran my fingers through his hair.

"You OK, Shaun?"

"Yeah, I'm OK."

"I'm sorry about this morning, about..."

"It's OK."

He started to cough again.

Mike tried to give him some water to drink.

"I can't feel my hand."

Mike looked at the swollen mess.

"That's probably a good thing. Your fingers are as big as pickles."

Shaun looked down at his arm lying across his stomach.

"Shit. That's nasty."

He ran his other hand along the side of my face.

"I love you, Harleigh."

Then he started to fall back asleep.

* * *

"So thanks for everything, Harleigh."

I was getting ready to leave Noah's.

"I was glad I got to spend some time with you."

"Even though..."

"Hey, we all make mistakes sometimes."

"I wish it was like back when we were living with Greg and the biggest decision I ever had to make was what to wear to school the next day."

"Noah, you always wore jeans and a T-shirt."

"My point exactly. Life was so much simpler then."

* * *

Mike and I stood across from Dr. Moore as he examined his patient.

"How are you feeling, Shaun?"

"I feel great."

He was lying. He hadn't been able to stay awake for more than an hour all day.

"Great, huh?"

"Great. You know, I feel good enough to go home tonight."

Dr. Moore smiled at him as he started to take the bandages off his hand.

"Tomorrow, Shaun."

"But..."

"Tomorrow. Tonight we'll make sure you eat some dinner, and tomorrow we'll get you up and walking around a little bit. Then you can go home."

"Tomorrow morning?"

"You got it."

* * *

I went over to Shaun's apartment after I got back from Noah's.

From the minute I walked in the door, he didn't let go of me.

"So Noah thought he got some girl pregnant?"

"Yeah, that's what she thought. But it turns out she wasn't. He's really rattled, though."

"That's something that really can mess a guy up."

"Shaun?"

"There was this girl, maybe I had been out of high school for a year. We were kind of off and on. And this one day she called me and told me she thought she was."

"Ohhh."

"The next morning waiting for the results to come back was the longest morning of my life. And she wasn't. But it just kind of shakes you up inside because your mind starts getting filled with all these questions and what to do if this or what to do if that. And you know there's absolutely nothing you can do about it now. You can't take back the sperm you shot into her."

He was grinning.

"You're absolutely disgusting, Shaun."

"Noah'll be OK."

"I don't know if I'll ever be OK after that."

* * *

"I'm getting pretty good at using my left hand."

I was helping Shaun eat his dinner.

We had basically thrown Mike out, telling him to do something special with Kristin.

"Pretty soon you'll be good at using your right hand again, too."

"I'm gonna be ambidextrous."

"You're amazing, Shaun."

He started to laugh.

"Because I'm ambidextrous?"

"No, silly boy. Because I know how hard this must be for you — being back in the hospital and everything. And you've just been so... so good about everything. You haven't even complained or anything."

"I have to be good or else..."

"Or else what?"

"They won't let me go home with you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow morning."

* * *

It was the night of my college graduation.

Greg and I were sitting on his deck; everyone else was inside.

"You're an amazing person, Harleigh."

"What?"

"You're just really an amazing person. I'm so proud of you."

"Greg, don't."

"Don't 'don't' me, Harleigh. After everything you've been through with mom and dad, grandma, you just amaze me."

I knew if I said anything I would start to cry. So I remained silent.

Greg's arms engulfed me.

"And I know they're so proud of you, too."

* * *

I had run home to take a shower and change my clothes.

When I got back to the hospital, Greg was there.

I hugged him.

"Greg, what are you doing here?"

He looked at Shaun.

"I just wanted to check on you guys, make sure everything was OK, see if you needed anything."

"Awww, thanks. We're doing great."

"I was telling Greg how you freaked out this morning."

"I told him you've always been a bit of a spaz, Harleigh."

They were both smiling.

Shaun had always fit with me. And he had come to fit with my family.

"And, Shaun, did you tell him how you thought you were going to have an accidental sex change?"

"I hadn't gotten to that part yet."

* * *

After I had finished my first year teaching, I moved into a different apartment — one in Mike's complex.

Just like he had the year before, Greg helped me move. All day, he worked around the apartment with his tools, fixing everything. Some things needed fixed. Others didn't.

"Well, I guess I should be heading home."

"I guess so."

I knew he didn't want to leave. And I really didn't want him to — just like a year ago.

"When do you start school again?"

"Three months."

"Three months. Well, that gives you some time to fix the place up, get to know your neighbors."

"Yeah."

"And you know if you need anything — anything — Ann and I are just a phone call away."

"I know."

"And you know you can call us anytime, really anytime; it doesn't matter."

I wrapped my arms around him.

"Thanks, Greg, for everything."

"Anytime."

* * *

"I'm not tired, Harleigh."

It was a fight for Shaun to keep his eyes open.

"It's almost 9 o'clock, pretty late for you, gramps."

"Hey, no picking. I've had a rough day."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I don't want to sleep in this bed."

"Just for tonight then back to our bed."

"Back to our bed."

"Hey, Shaun."

"Hey what?"

"You know at the cabin?"

A grin.

"Yes, Harleigh, at the cabin."

"That was so amazing — is that the right word?"

"Amazing doesn't do it justice."

A bigger grin.

"Shaun..."

"Not to disappoint but, Harleigh, I might not be capable of a performance like that for a while."

An even bigger grin.

* * *

"Hi, I'm Mike."

"I'm Harleigh. I just moved in yesterday."

I had just gotten back from a trip to the grocery store.

"Do you want some help with your bags?"

"No, it's OK; I've got them. Thanks, though."

"Come on, I live in the apartment right above you. Let me help you."

He had already taken a couple of the bags out of my trunk.

"You really don't have to..."

"I want to. And don't look so scared. I'm not a psychotic serial killer or anything."

He grinned.

I started to laugh.

"A psychotic serial killer, that's exactly what I thought you were."

"Everybody confuses me with my brother."

It was his turn to laugh.

* * *

Mike got to the hospital Saturday morning while Shaun was out walking in the hall with a nurse.

"Where's Shaun?"

"On a walk. He's so ready to go home."

"How'd he do last night? Did he sleep OK?"

"I think he slept really well. And he was wide awake at 6 ready to go home."

"That's Shaun."

"Mike..."

"Hmmm?"

"Why is this all so weird?"

"Because the last time he was here, we almost lost him."

* * *

"The psychotic serial killer, you wanna hook me up with a psychotic serial killer?"

"My brother really isn't a psychotic serial killer. I was just kidding."

I had invited Mike over for dinner. We had become friends since I had moved into my new apartment, and he was determined to fix me up with Shaun.

"You wouldn't have said it unless at least one part of it was true. So which is it?"

"Which is what?"

"Is he psychotic or is he a serial killer?"

"Harleigh, he's just a normal guy."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't date."

"Why not?"

"So I don't end up going out with a psychotic serial killer."

* * *

Shaun was already dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed when Dr. Moore stopped in.

"Are you waiting for me?"

"I feel great, Dr. Moore. My hand feels great, too."

"Someone's ready to go home. Let's have a look."

"I've come to love this place, Dr. Moore. It's like a home away from home."

"Your hand's looking good."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I know Harleigh and Mike are going to keep you under control, but take it easy."

"OK."

"And how about we set up an appointment for some time next week?"

"OK."

"And we'll go from there."

"Thanks, Dr. Moore."

"Just remember me when you're sending out wedding invitations."

Silence.

* * *

Mike and I had gone to the mall. I was looking for a birthday card for Jon.

Mike was still determined to introduce me to his brother.

"So, Harleigh..."

"So, Mike..."

"Shaun's coming over to my apartment for dinner tomorrow night. Would you like to join us?"

"No."

"Come on, Harleigh."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because there's a new Lifetime movie on tomorrow night that I really, really, really want to watch."

He held up a package of wedding invitations.

"Come on, Harleigh, haven't you ever wanted to see your name on these?"

I kept looking at the birthday cards.

"Never."

* * *

Shaun's eyes looked out the window as I drove home.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"The last time you brought me home from the hospital, I was really scared."

"Me too."

"I'm not this time."

"Me neither."

part v

It was two weeks after his surgery – and the nasty infection that landed him back in the hospital – when Shaun started back to therapy.

Two weeks of frustration.

Two weeks of yelling, screaming and swearing.

Two weeks of wondering how much more he — we — could take.

I was helping him take his shirt off before bed.

"Careful, Shaun. Here, let me help you."

I slipped his shirt over his swollen hand.

"My hand is never going to work again."

"Your hand is going to work again."

"I want a hook, just cut it off."

I started to take off his jeans.

"But, sweetie, I want you to have two hands."

Nothing.

"Shaun..."

"Sorry, Harleigh, I'm too grumpy to even think about sex right now."

* * *

Shaun had barely spoken to me during dinner.

"Sweetie, are you OK?"

"Fine."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Did something happen at work today?"

"No."

"Shaun, tell me what's wrong."

"Leave it alone, Harleigh. It's nothing."

"Shaun, talk to me."

He stood up.

"I gotta go."

"Shaun..."

"I'll call you later."

* * *

I was getting ready for work.

Shaun was still in bed. He was starting back to therapy that day.

"Remember what Dr. Moore said..."

He just grunted at me as he pulled the comforter over his face.

"You won't be able to do everything you could before the operation for a little while. It's gonna take some time."

From under the comforter.

"I don't want to go today."

"Shaun..."

"I'm sick."

"Shaun..."

"I just want to stay in bed all day."

"I gotta go to work now."

"I'm not going."

"Shaun, your appointment's at 10."

* * *

Shaun never called that night.

I stopped by his apartment after school the next day. He was still in bed.

He pulled the comforter up when I opened the door to his bedroom.

"Shaun, it's almost 4; are you OK?"

"Just go away."

"What the hell is going on?"

"Nothing."

I sat down on the bed beside him.

"Tell me so I can help you. Shaun, please."

"There's nothing you can do."

"I love you, Shaun."

"I love you, too."

"Then let me help you."

"Go home, Harleigh."

* * *

"So how much trouble did he give you?"

I called Luis on my lunch break.

"I got him there."

"I'm sorry, Luis. Is he OK?"

"He's sleeping now."

"Was it bad?"

"It wasn't pretty."

* * *

"Mike, do you have any idea what's going on with your brother? He won't talk to me. He doesn't want to see me."

After I left Shaun's, I went to Mike's apartment.

I stood in the doorway, crying.

"Slow down, Harleigh. It's OK."

"No, it's not OK. I don't think he loves me anymore."

Mike took me in his arms.

"No, Harleigh, that's not it. Shaun didn't tell you about Kevin?"

"Kevin?"

"Kevin Bryant. He was one of Shaun's best friends in high school."

I just looked at him.

"Kevin died this weekend. It was a really bad accident. Him and a bunch of the guys he was with were pretty drunk. None of them should have been driving."

"Shaun didn't tell me."

"It's hard for him; it's real hard for him. But he does need you. And he'll talk to you when he's ready."

"So what do I do until then?"

"Just let him know you're there."

* * *

I had a parent stop by after school so I got home late.

Mike was waiting outside my apartment.

"He's gone, Harleigh."

"What? What are you talking about? Who's gone?"

"Shaun. Shaun is gone."

"Mike..."

"He told me he was going to take a nap. So I went up to my apartment for a while. When I came back down, he was gone."

"Did he leave a note?"

"Nothing. I called his friends. No one's heard from him."

"Where do you think he went? Do you think he's OK?"

"Harleigh, I'm so, so sorry."

"It's not your fault, Mike. It's not your fault."

"I shouldn't have left him. I shouldn't have left him alone."

"Let's just relax. I'm sure he's OK. I'm sure he's OK."

I said it twice as if repeating it would make me believe it.

"I'm gonna go look for him, Harleigh."

"I'll wait here in case he comes back."

* * *

It was three days after Mike told me about Kevin Bryant.

I still hadn't heard from Shaun.

"Mike, I'm worried. He hasn't returned any of my calls. His boss said he took the whole week off, and no one has heard from him. His truck hasn't been at his apartment for the last three days."

"I'm worried, too, Harleigh."

"None of his friends have heard from him."

"He wasn't at the funeral."

"I'm scared, Mike."

"We'll find him."

"Do you think he's..."

"I hope not."

* * *

"I went everywhere, Harleigh."

It was almost 7:30.

"No sign of him?"

"None."

"It's gonna be OK. He's probably just..."

"He did shit like this all the time when he was drinking."

* * *

It was almost midnight when the phone rang.

"Harleigh..."

"Shaun..."

"I'm sorry. Are you sleeping?"

"No, where are you? Are you OK?"

"I need to see you."

* * *

It was close to 8:30 when the door opened.

Shaun looked tired and shaky as he came into the apartment.

I went to him and wrapped my arms around him.

"Hey, you OK?"

His voice was soft, tired.

"I'm OK."

Mike's voice was pissed off.

"Where the hell have you been?"

Shaun ignored his brother.

I spoke instead.

"Mike, stop."

"Where the hell have you been, Shaun?"

"Mike..."

"Do you have any idea how fuckin' worried we've been about you?"

Shaun continued to ignore his brother. I didn't.

"Mike, go home."

"What?"

"Go home, now."

Shaun was still silent as Mike slammed the door.

"How about some dinner?"

* * *

"So Mike told you about Kevin, huh?"

He was sitting on my couch. I took his hand in mine.

"Yeah, he did."

"God, that should've been me. I should've been with those guys."

"Shaun..."

"I just don't understand. I can't... I don't... He had a wife and a little girl."

"I'm so sorry."

"A year ago, I would've been in that car with them."

* * *

For the last six months, Shaun had never been alone.

Someone was always there — always.

It would have driven me crazy so I was determined not to pry about where he went.

Shaun was watching TV.

I was putting stickers on spelling tests.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"Can I help?"

"What?"

"Can I help with the sticker putting on business?"

He was trying to smile.

"Get yourself on down here."

I patted the floor beside me.

"Harleigh..."

"Yeah?"

"Therapy was really rough today. I couldn't... I just couldn't..."

"It's OK, Shaun."

"I just was so angry and mad and frustrated and feeling all sorry and shit for myself. And I'm trying so hard to be patient."

I stuck a sticker on his shirt.

"What's that for?"

"You're perfect."

* * *

"So I bet you're wondering where I was?"

It was the next morning, and I was making Shaun breakfast.

"Maybe."

"Such the liar."

"Me?"

"I was at my dad's cabin up at the lake. I just wanted to be alone, think. I wanted to be away from everything."

"And everyone."

"I didn't want to dump this on you, Harleigh."

"I was worried about you, and I was scared that something had happened to you."

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you worry."

"Shaun, I'm here for the bad times, too, not just the good ones."

* * *

"Do you want me to sleep on the couch?"

I was setting the alarm clock before we went to bed.

"What?"

"Do you want me to sleep on the couch?"

"What are you talking about?"

He had never slept on the couch.

"I understand if you're mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you. And I don't want you to sleep on the couch."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Mike's mad at me."

"He'll get over it."

"He thinks I was drinking again, doesn't he?"

"Shaun..."

"I could tell. He had that look on his face when he saw me."

"Shaun..."

"I wasn't, Harleigh. I promise."

"I know. I believe you."

"I love you, Harleigh."

* * *

"God, Harleigh, do you really need a book to tell you how to have a relationship with me?"

We had been dating for about six months, when I bought a book about having a healthy relationship with someone who has struggled with addiction.

Shaun found the book and flipped out.

"Shaun, listen to me."

"Do you really need a book to tell you how to love me?"

"No, Shaun. I just... I just want to understand."

"And you think some fuckin' book is going to tell you how to understand me?"

"Shaun, please don't be mad at me. I just thought."

He threw the book down on the table.

"You know what I think. I think this relationship isn't going to work."

He left.

I started to cry.

* * *

"Harleigh, wake up."

I thought I was dreaming.

I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Harleigh, please wake up."

Through squinty eyes, I looked at the clock. 3:27.

"Harleigh..."

"Shaun, what's wrong? Are you OK?"

"I went to the lake, to my dad's cabin. I just needed to be alone, to think."

"Shaun, what are you talking about?"

I was only half awake.

"Tonight. Tonight when I was gone, I was at the lake."

I started to wake up.

"Shaun..."

"I just needed to be away from everything for a little while by myself. I needed some time by myself, just to think about some stuff."

I rested my head on his chest.

"It's OK, Shaun. I understand."

"Is that why you tossed Mike out of the apartment?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks."

"Can I go back to sleep now?"

"Sure. I just couldn't sleep until I told you."

"I love you, Shaun."

I felt his arms wrap around me.

* * *

Mike knocked on my door later that night when Shaun had found the book.

I opened the door.

"Hey, Harleigh, I was just wondering if Shaun was here, I tried to call..."

Then he looked at me with my big, puffy eyes.

"What happened, Harleigh? You OK?"

I picked up the book.

"This, this is what happened."

"What happened?"

"I just want to understand. I just want to help him. But he found the book, and he..."

Mike hugged me.

"Don't cry, Harleigh."

"I didn't mean to make him so mad at me."

"Just give him a little while to cool off. It'll be OK."

"No, he told me this relationship wasn't worth it."

"Harleigh..."

"I didn't want to hurt him. I just want to understand."

Mike sat down on the couch with me and kept ahold of my hand.

"When Shaun was in rehab, I read so much stuff, books, magazines, stuff online. All I wanted to do was try to help him, try to understand."

"Yeah?"

"Harleigh, you're Shaun's first real relationship since he's been sober. And he's so scared that everything is going to scare you off."

"I just want to understand."

"I know."

"I just want to understand, Mike."

"I'll talk to Shaun."

* * *

Shaun was awake as I was getting ready for school the next day.

"Good morning, Harleigh."

"Good morning, sleepyhead."

"So I'm really sorry about making you worry about me yesterday."

"It's OK, Shaun."

"It wasn't OK. I shouldn't..."

"It's just that I worry about you so much already. And..."

"And I shouldn't have made you worry even more."

"A note would have been nice."

"I can't write – and it takes me like 10 years to text anything."

I hadn't thought of that.

"Ohhh."

"And if I would have asked Mike to take me to the lake, like he would have ever left me alone."

"You'll work things out today with Mike, right?"

"Maybe."

"I don't think you understood me. You'll work things out today with Mike."

"Yes, ma'am."

* * *

I called Shaun after Mike left.

He didn't answer.

"Hey, Shaun. It's Harleigh.

"I just wanted to talk to you, to explain.

"I didn't want to hurt you.

"I just want to understand.

"So I'll be up late tonight if you want to call or I'll talk to you tomorrow.

"OK, bye."

* * *

"So he just disappeared?"

It was lunchtime with Rose.

"Yup."

"How bad did you freak?"

"Surprisingly, I didn't freak. Mike did."

"I'm definitely surprised by your self-control."

"You know, Rose, before the accident it wouldn't have been any big deal if Shaun went somewhere by himself."

"So things are back to normal?"

"Not quite completely back to normal, but definitely getting there."

* * *

It had been three days since Shaun had found the book, and I still hadn't heard from him.

Rose and I had gone out for dinner.

"He's not worth it, Harleigh."

"No, I messed up. I shouldn't have..."

"You didn't do anything wrong. Don't let him make you think you did something wrong."

"I did. I should have just asked him what I wanted to know, talked to him."

"Maybe he's just not ready for a relationship yet."

"It's my fault."

"What happened to my bold and empowered, man-hating Harleigh?"

"How bad was it, Rose?"

"How bad was what?"

"How bad was it when he was drinking and using?"

"Bad, really bad." She couldn't make eye contact with me.

"Ohhh."

"Hey, what about that waiter over there, Harleigh? He's a hottie."

* * *

When I got home, Luis was reading a magazine.

"Hi, Luis."

"Hi, Harleigh."

"Where's Shaun?"

Then I heard it: his snoring. Shaun would never admit he had a snoring problem.

Luis pointed to the living room couch.

"He's sleeping."

"Did it go somewhat better today?"

"It went a lot better. He did great."

"And did he talk to Mike about..."

"About his disappearing act?"

"Is that what he called it?"

"They had lunch together."

"Good. Order in the universe has been restored."

* * *

When I got home from dinner with Rose, Shaun was sitting on my doorstep.

I stopped about three feet away from him.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry, Harleigh. I'm so sorry."

"I called you."

"I know."

I sat down beside him.

"So?"

"Harleigh, I'm sorry about what I said, how I acted."

"I shouldn't have gotten that book."

He took my hand.

"No, I'm glad you did. I'm glad you want to understand."

"You had a funny way of showing it."

"You know, I don't really know what I'm doing here. I mean I don't really know how to do this relationship thing."

"I thought this relationship wasn't going to work?"

"I'm sorry, Harleigh. I shouldn't have said that."

"What is it then?"

"I'm scared. I'm scared about all of this."

"About what?"

I saw the tears in the corners of his eyes. He looked away.

"God, about making this work, about if I'm going to mess up and ruin everything and hurt you and put you through all the shit that I've put everyone else who has ever cared about me through and..."

"Shaun..."

"And I should have told you from the beginning, but I wanted you to get to know me, really get to know me without worrying about all of that, but I should have told you from the beginning, and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"Shaun, I just want to understand."

"And I want you to understand. I want you to know you can ask me about anything, anytime. Just ask me."

"OK."

"Harleigh, I want us to work."

"I do, too."

"Are we gonna be OK?"

I kissed his cheek.

"We're gonna be OK."

* * *

I was making dinner when Shaun finally rolled off the couch.

"Have a good nap?"

His voice was groggy.

"Yeah, I did. I didn't sleep last night."

"I know. Hungry?"

"Always."

I pinched his cheek on my way to the refrigerator.

"So how's the hand?"

He came over and squeezed my hand with his.

"I tried really hard today."

I held his hand between mine.

"Your hand was really nasty looking for a while."

"Hey..."

"I was getting ready to knit you a permanent mitten for it or something."

* * *

Shaun and I took things pretty slowly for the next week.

Sometimes I would ask him questions.

Sometimes he would just volunteer random tidbits.

I met him in the park one night after his AA meeting.

We sat down on a bench by a fountain.

"I used to hate going to those meetings."

"Really?"

"Yeah, Mike pretty much had to drop me off and wait outside to make sure I didn't sneak off anywhere."

"What changed?"

"I think once I got things straightened out in my head, things really started to make sense. And I realized that everyone there was there to help me, and if I was really going to do this, I needed as many people helping me as I could get."

I wrapped my arm around his.

"You've got me, too."

* * *

"I've gotta go stop at the college."

Rose and I were walking to our cars after school.

"Why? What do you need?"

"I'm gonna pick up a course book for Shaun."

"He was gonna take some classes before the accident, wasn't he?"

"Yeah. I was thinking maybe he could take a class or two in the spring or something. I'm just trying to get things back to how they were before."

"Does he realize how lucky he is to have you, Harleigh?"

* * *

"So it's all good again, Harleigh?"

Rose and I were eating lunch.

"Yeah, it's all good."

"He's a lucky little bastard you forgave him."

"It's just that I don't want to talk about it, and Shaun doesn't want to talk about it, but we both really need to talk about it."

"And what does your little book say about that?"

"Damn that book."

* * *

Shaun was waiting at the door for me when I got home.

"You're late."

I hugged him and kissed his cheek.

"I love you too, Shaun."

"I was worried about you."

I handed him the course book.

"I picked this up for you. I thought maybe you might want to register for a class this spring."

"I love you, Harleigh."

"Maybe we can look through it together tonight."

"I've got homework."

"You've got homework?"

He was grinning.

"I'm supposed to practice writing the alphabet tonight."

I took his hand and kissed it.

* * *

I was over at Shaun's apartment.

It was probably three weeks after our fight about the book.

He seemed about a thousand miles away as we watched TV. Then he got up and went to his bedroom during a commercial. He came back with a blue folder.

"I wanted to show you this."

"What is it?"

"It's umm... from the first time I went to rehab. It's a folder of stuff from a bunch of my sessions, with my counselor, with Mike."

He handed me the folder.

"Shaun, are you sure?"

"Yeah."

He flipped through some papers.

"This is a letter that Mike wrote to me after I first got there, about why he tossed me in there, how he wanted me to be OK, how he was doing this because he loved me."

His hand was shaking.

"Shaun..."

He pulled out a picture.

"And this... This is me and Mike the day I got out. He was so happy that day. I can remember him talking the whole way home about how things were going to be so much different, so much better. I got so fuckin' drunk the next day."

His eyes never left the picture.

* * *

"We haven't, you know, since his surgery, you know."

Rose and I went out shopping on Saturday.

"Since his surgery? Pretty long time, huh?"

"Yup."

"So you're getting a little taste of what you put him through for three years?"

"It's just everything at the cabin was amazing, and now I just don't... I just don't think I'm doing anything for him."

"Have you asked him about it?"

"Maybe there's something wrong with him."

"Maybe it's your turn to spice things up a little bit."

* * *

After everything that had happened in the past month, I decided Shaun and I needed to have a little fun.

I took us to karaoke night at the local coffeehouse.

"No way, Harleigh."

I took his hand and pulled him inside.

"Come on. It's gonna be so much fun. I promise."

It only took an "I Will Survive," "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" and "My Girl" before Shaun was singing along — kind of.

I had never told Shaun that I could sing. I just showed him that night.

Shaun just looked at me as I took the microphone and belted out Etta James' "At Last."

"That was crazy. I had no idea you could, you had... you could do that."

"You should hear me on 'Rump Shaker.'"

* * *

When I got home from shopping, Shaun and Mike had gone somewhere and there was a message that I was supposed to call Jon.

"Hey, Jon."

"How's my favorite sister?"

"Your only sister is wonderful."

"Good. How's Shaun?"

"He's doing good. His hand's getting better."

"Any headaches?"

"It's been a while."

"What's his doctor say?"

I could tell Jon was avoiding the real purpose of his call.

"Jon?"

"What?"

"What's going on? I know you didn't call just to get a medical update on Shaun."

"I'm coming to Greg's for Thanksgiving."

Usually Noah, Drew and I all went to Greg's but never Jon because he lived the farthest away.

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"What's going on?"

"I don't know. I just want to see you all."

"You're a terrible liar."

"It's just that with everything that's happened this year — Shaun's accident, Greg and Ann splitting up — I feel like I should be there."

"Liar."

* * *

"So I want you and Mike to come to Thanksgiving at Greg's with me this year."

Shaun and I had been dating for a little over a year.

"What?"

"I want you two to be there. I mean last year we really hadn't been together that long, but this year..."

"Harleigh..."

"What's wrong?"

"I just... I just..."

"Jon's not gonna be there. Just Greg, Noah and Drew."

"OK, that's doable."

* * *

Shaun was covered in paint when he got home.

"Shaun?"

He blew me a kiss as he made his way to the bathroom.

"Shaun, you're covered in paint."

"You're so observant."

"Aren't you gonna tell me where you were?"

From behind the closed bathroom door.

"Mike and I were fixing up the house a little bit so we can get it back out on the market."

"Ohhh."

I heard him turn the shower on. Then he peeked out the door.

"I'm gonna take a shower. Then do you wanna go to Maloney's for dinner?"

"Where is my Shaun and what did you do with him?"

* * *

Shaun stormed into my apartment, carrying bags from the Gap, Banana Republic and J. Crew.

"I went shopping."

I don't know why, but he was out of breath. And I thought he had broken a sweat, but my eyes might just have been deceiving me.

"I see that."

"So you've gotta help me figure out what to wear?"

"Where?"

"You know what clothes I should wear?"

"What clothes you should wear where?"

He looked frazzled.

"To Greg's for Thanksgiving."

I started to laugh.

"Why do you need something new to wear to Greg's?"

"Because, Harleigh..."

"Because why?"

"You know, dress to impress, or whatever."

"You trying to get a date with Greg?"

"Stop. Now what do you like better this black sweater or the light blue one?"

"I think I want to know what the Gap ladies have done to my Shaun."

* * *

"So, Shaun, don't you think it's weird Jon's coming to Greg's for Thanksgiving?"

"No."

"Shaun..."

Between bites of his chicken sandwich.

"The guy wants to be with his family."

"But he's never wanted to be with us before on Thanksgiving or Christmas."

"I've changed him."

After he swallowed, he smirked.

"Too many paint fumes today?"

"It's just that when something like what happened happens, it really can bring people together, make them see what's really important."

"Who are you?"

* * *

Shaun opted to wear the black sweater to Thanksgiving dinner.

I explained to him that if he spilled it might not show as much on that one.

It didn't matter because we made it through dinner and Shaun didn't spill a thing.

"So why doesn't Jon come to Greg's?"

We were driving home.

"I don't know. He just never has."

"Maybe he's anti-turkey."

"Jon's just never been very big on family holidays. It's pretty hard for him I think."

"It'd probably be easier if he was there with all of you."

"Maybe you can call and tell him that."

"Maybe I pull my toe hairs out one at a time with a pair of tweezers."

* * *

Shaun and I decided to go for a walk in the park after dinner.

My arm was wrapped around his.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"I was thinking that maybe this week we could go shopping for my new SUV."

"Your new SUV?"

"Yeah, my new SUV so I can haul around all our offspring. So what do you think?"

"That sounds good."

"Then I can drive to my therapy sessions and stuff and go back to work in the office for a couple hours each day. I know you know that I haven't really needed Luis for a while now."

"I know. Are you sure you're ready?"

"I'm ready."

"OK."

He wrapped his arms around me.

"OK? You don't sound very excited."

"It's just that... it's just that I kind of got used to you being my little patient."

He kissed the top of my head.

"We can always role play."

* * *

I had just gotten off the phone with Drew.

"Get this, Shaun."

"What did Drew do now?"

"He was telling me about how him and Beth are starting to get into role playing."

"Please change the topic."

"Don't you think they're a little old to be doing the whole dressing up like Dungeons and Dragons people?"

"Somehow I don't think that's the kind of role playing Drew's into."

"Well, what else is there? Star Trek?"

"Try horny doctor who gives a very thorough exam to a beautiful female patient."

"Oh, no."

"Oh, yes."

* * *

After our walk in the park, Shaun was driving us home.

"So you wanna stop and grab a movie for tonight or something, Harleigh?"

"No."

It was a very definite no.

"OK. Sorry I suggested it."

"I was thinking maybe we could, well, maybe we could — do something else."

"Something else?"

"You know, something else."

I reached over and put my hand on his upper thigh.

"Oh, something else."

"Yes, something else."

* * *

It was a couple of days before Shaun's accident.

We were lying on his bed.

I slipped his shirt off over his head and started kissing his chest.

"Harleigh..."

I looked up at him.

"I'm feeling like a saucy vixen tonight."

He was laughing as he pulled me down on top of him.

"It's your lucky night, Mr. Parker."

"Oh really?"

I was kissing his neck.

"Really."

"And why's that?"

"Because I'm feeling frisky."

As I nibbled on his ear, Shaun was crying he was laughing so hard.

"I'm trying to get my freak on with you, Shaun, and all you can do is laugh."

"You are a freak, Harleigh."

* * *

Shaun was lying on his back. His head was turned, and his eyes were looking at me.

I drew my hand along his bare chest.

"I love you, Harleigh."

"I love you, too."

"What are you thinking about?"

He rolled onto his side and took my hand.

"I don't know."

He pulled me closer.

"Come on, Harleigh. Tell me."

"I just love you so much, and I'm so glad... I'm just..."

"You're just so glad that what?"

I started to cry.

"I'm just so glad that I didn't lose you."

He kissed me.

"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

"I've been having X-rated thoughts about Shaun."

I was on the phone with Rose.

"Really, Harleigh, I wonder why. It's not like he's good looking or anything. And, oh yeah, you have been dating him for 2 ½ years."

"Last night I told him I was trying to get my freak on with him."

"Did he throw you out of the bedroom?"

"No, he just laughed."

"That poor man. All you do is torture him. You're such a tease."

"I'm not a tease. I'm a saucy vixen."

"I'm gonna go look up saucy vixen in the dictionary, and I bet your picture's gonna be right there."

"That's right because I am the sauciest of saucy vixens."

* * *

When I rolled over, I could tell that Shaun wasn't beside me anymore.

I found him sitting on the living room couch, his head in his hands.

"Shaun?"

He looked up, and I could tell he had been crying.

I sat down beside him and wrapped a blanket around us.

"What's wrong? You OK?"

He wiped his eyes.

"I'm OK."

"Did you have a headache?"

He shook his head.

"Is your hand bothering you?"

He shook his head again.

I wrapped my arms around him.

"You wanna tell me what's wrong?"

He smiled at me.

"I love you, Harleigh."

"I love you, too."

As he started to kiss me, he lay back on the couch and pulled me down on top of him.

I started to kiss his chest, then down his stomach.

"Harleigh, you don't..."

"Shaun, I want to."

I looked up at him.

His eyes were closed.

* * *

"I have this little girl named B.J. in my class. That's going to be such a traumatizing name for her when she gets older."

"And what would you know about that, Harleigh?"

"Oh, Shaun, you think you know all my tricks."

He laughed.

"I do know all your tricks."

"So I was dating this guy my junior year of high school, and one day he told me that some of his friends might start calling me B.J. and just to play along."

"Harleigh..."

"So I asked Brian, my boyfriend, what it stood for, and he told me Brian's Juliet. I figured that was pretty cool so I went with it."

"You didn't, did you really?"

"Oh yeah, the whole school started calling me B.J."

"You slut."

"Don't you know it."

* * *

It was almost noon when I woke up.

My head was resting on Shaun's chest, and I could feel his heart beating.

We were still on the couch.

I looked up at him. He was already awake.

"Good morning, Harleigh."

"What time is it?"

"Almost noon."

"Almost noon? How long have you been up for?"

"A couple hours."

"Why didn't you wake me up?"

"I like holding you."

"How about we get up and I make us some breakfast?"

He shook his head.

"No?"

"I just want to hold you."

* * *

We had a terrible storm two summers ago. The power was out for almost twelve hours.

Luckily Shaun was over at my place.

With a flashlight in hand, he took charge, lighting candles throughout my apartment.

Then he sat down on the couch by me.

"You OK?"

"I'm glad you're here."

"You know this is kind of romantic, me just holding you in the dark."

I kissed him.

"Yeah, it is."

"Too bad tonight's the night you're going to find out I really am the psychotic serial killer Mike told you about."

* * *

Shaun was waiting at the door for me when I got home from school Wednesday.

"Come on, Harleigh, we gotta go."

"We gotta go where?"

"To buy my SUV. Luis and I went looking today after therapy and I found it. I found the one I want."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Positive. Come on."

"You're sure it's what you want? You don't want another truck?"

"No. No, I want this for us."

* * *

Mike came down to my apartment one night with a letter in his hand.

He looked like he had been crying — or about to cry. But he was smiling.

"Did you make him do this?"

"Make who do what?"

"Shaun sent me this letter."

"Why would Shaun send you a letter, he sees you every day?"

"It just... it just says how sorry he is about everything that happened when he was using and how much he appreciates what I did for him even though he didn't understand it at the time and... and I don't know and a lot of other stuff that we went through then."

"Are you kidding?"

He shook his head.

"Did you ask him about it?"

"I don't know what to say."

* * *

Thursday was Shaun's monthly appointment with Dr. Matthews.

It was late in the afternoon so I went with him after school.

We sat in the waiting room. Shaun held my hand in his.

"This is all so weird, Harleigh."

"What's so weird?"

"You know. I'm OK now. When I was in the hospital, I couldn't do anything for myself. Now I'm driving again and going back to work next week and..."

I squeezed his hand.

"I love you."

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"You know I never would have made it through all this shit without you, right?"

"I wasn't going to let you give up."

He looked at me.

The nurse came in and called his name.

* * *

Shaun had invited Mike and me over for dinner a couple of days after he sent Mike the letter.

He made his specialty: steak.

"I just... I'm not very good at this... but I wanted to thank both of you for everything you've done for me."

Mike and I just looked at him.

"Two years ago today, I..."

Mike interrupted him.

"The alley."

"Yeah, I woke up in that alley, and I had no idea where I was, what I was going to do. I had never been so scared in my entire life."

"When I found you, I couldn't... I could barely recognize you. You were so... so... I was..." Mike stumbled over his words.

"I just want the two of you to know that I wouldn't be here without you."

* * *

"So it's been a little bit more than a month since your last headache?"

Dr. Matthews was looking over Shaun's chart on the computer.

"Yeah, a little bit more than a month. It's been a little bit more than a month."

Shaun sat on the exam room table. I sat in a chair by the door.

"Are you having any other problems?"

"No, I feel really good."

Dr. Matthews smiled at both of us.

"You're looking good. You must be taking good care of him, Harleigh."

"I try my best."

"You're still seeing Dr. Moore for your hand and going to rehab?"

"Yeah, I am."

Shaun's voice was nervous.

"Well, Shaun, I guess this is it."

"What?"

Shaun's voice was petrified.

"Things look good. I don't think you need me anymore."

"You mean..."

"I don't think we need to continue these monthly tests and visits."

"OK."

"You let me know, though, if you start having any problems, any headaches OK?"

"OK."

He shook Shaun's hand.

Before he left, he hugged me.

"Thank you so much, Dr. Matthews."

He smiled at me.

"When they brought him in that night, I never imagined things would end this way."

* * *

"So what's this all about, Shaun?"

I was helping him clean up. Mike had gone home.

"What's what all about?"

"This. The dinner. The letter you sent to Mike."

"Mike still blames himself about everything, you know. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't Julian's fault. It was mine. So I just want Mike to know things are OK now."

"Things are OK now, Shaun."

"I just think that Mike still thinks he should have done something else, tried harder, tried sooner to get me help. I just want him to not feel so guilty or so responsible or just... sorry I'm rambling."

"You two have been through a lot."

"No, I put him through a lot of shit that he didn't deserve. And you know, when he tossed me into rehab the second time, when I spent six hours a day with a counselor and couldn't even take a piss without somebody watching me, I never thought I would even talk to him again.

"Then I realized how much I needed him."

* * *

"Can you believe I don't have to see Dr. Matthews anymore?"

Shaun and I had gone out for ice cream to celebrate.

"It hasn't really sunk in yet."

"So he was there the night they brought me in?"

"Yeah, he was."

There was nothing more I wanted to do than forget that night.

"Harleigh, I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I didn't mean to upset you."

"What?"

"Whenever I talk about that night, I can tell how much it upsets you."

"I'm not upset."

"Harleigh, the accident wasn't your fault."

* * *

Mike had invited Shaun to a poker night with some of his friends from work. Shaun didn't want to go.

"You know it's all your fault, Shaun, don't you?" I smiled at him.

"What the hell? How is this all my fault?"

"You sent Mike that nice note, made him dinner. Now he just wants to take you to poker night."

"But I don't want to go to poker night."

"Why?"

"Have you ever met Mike's friends from work?"

"No, but how bad can they be?"

"Bad, they're this bunch of business clowns who play poker in shirts and ties."

"Maybe Mike will let you borrow a tie for the big night."

* * *

"Greg, why is Jon coming to your house for Thanksgiving?"

"He's our brother. I invite him every year."

"And every year he says no."

"Things are different this year, Harleigh."

"Arrrggghhh!"

"Don't grunt at me on the phone."

"Will somebody please tell me what's going on?"

"I think you're losing it."

"You don't find it at all weird that Jon has this sudden interest to see us?"

"So did you make sure to invite Mike and Kristin?"

"Don't change the subject, Greg. But, yes, I did. Mike's coming. Kristin is cooking dinner with her family."

"Ann's coming, too."

"What?"

"We've been going out to dinner once a week for the last couple weeks."

"You have?"

"Yeah, and we're trying to work things out."

"Awww. Greg, I'm so happy for you."

"I don't know what's going to happen, but I know that it's best that we're all together as a family for Thanksgiving — including Jon."

"Including Jon."

* * *

Rose and I were at the grocery store.

Jon was flying in for a week the next day.

"So how's the boyfriend doing with the impending arrival of the brother?"

I inspected a couple of apples and then put them in a bag.

"Umm, pretty good, I guess. He has all these activities planned so he will have to spend minimal time with Jon."

"Don't you think he and Jon can work out their differences?"

"No."

"Really?"

"Jon's already made his mind up about Shaun. There's no changing it."

"Don't you think he might have to change it?"

"Why?"

"Well, what if you and Shaun get married someday? Family holidays would be a real bitch."

* * *

I was giving Shaun a backrub Sunday night.

He and Mike had spent most of the weekend working on the house.

"That feels so good."

"I think you might be overdoing it a little bit maybe."

"No, I'm OK. I promise. I make Mike do all the work. I just give him orders."

"Are you ready to go back to work tomorrow?"

"It's just for a couple hours, and I'll probably just be answering phones and stuff like that."

"It'll be weird not to have Luis here, huh?"

"It'll be weird not to be home in the afternoon to watch my soap operas."

* * *

It was before I had met Shaun, and Rose and I were having a girls night, complete with a wide variety of chick flicks.

We had just finished watching "Only You" and put in "Untamed Heart."

"Why can't things like that happen in real life, Rose?"

She laughed.

"Because that's fiction, make believe."

"But it's just so romantic. Did you see the way he looked at her? Ohhh..."

"OK, Harleigh, that settles it. Get out your Ouija board. We'll figure out the name of your soul mate and then travel around the world to hunt him down."

"Would you really do that for me?"

"No."

"Bitch."

* * *

Mike came down for dinner one evening.

Shaun was in the shower so Mike helped make the salad.

"You OK, Harleigh? You look really tired."

"I've been really, really tired lately. But I think it's just because I've been so worried about Shaun going back to work and everything. I'm OK. Really, I'm OK."

"Don't spend all your time taking care of my brother. Make sure you take care of yourself, too."

"Thank you, Mike."

"You're welcome."

"How are you two coming along with the house?"

"Good, really good. And I think it's been good for us to do it together."

"He's really OK, Mike."

"I know."

"Sometimes I can't believe it."

"Me neither."

* * *

Mike paced around my apartment.

His company needed him to go to California for a week to a business conference. This would be the first time since Shaun sobered up that he had gone away.

"It's OK, Mike, I'll keep an eye on him."

Shaun and I had probably been dating about a month.

"I just don't think I should leave him."

"Mike..."

"You know, he hasn't even been sober a year yet."

"Mike..."

"I just would feel terrible if something happened while I was away. I shouldn't go."

"Mike..."

"What?"

"I'm here. He'll be with me. It'll be OK."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"But I'm still gonna call every day just to check on him."

* * *

Mike had gone home, and I was finishing the dishes after dinner.

I noticed Shaun had turned off all the lights in the living room and was lighting some candles.

"Shaun, what are you doing?"

He had a CD case in one hand and the stereo remote in the other.

"Look at what I bought today. The greatest ballads by the biggest hair bands."

He hit play.

"Dance with me, Harleigh."

"When I See You Smile" started to play.

I started to laugh.

"This is so reminiscent of a junior high dance."

"Well are you gonna dance with me or not?"

I wrapped my arms around him.

"Of course, I'll dance with you."

"Hey, Harleigh?"

"Hey what?"

"You know when I knew I loved you?"

"No, when?"

"We were still just friends, and we took that trip to the beach that one Sunday, remember?"

"Yeah, it was really, really hot, and you built me this horrendous sandcastle."

"Whatever. Anyway..."

"Anyway..."

"We stopped at that little gas station about an hour from here..."

"And we had hot dogs for dinner."

"And we had hot dogs for dinner. We sat there on the curb by my truck, and your hair was still kind of wet, and your cheeks were a little sunburned. But you looked so beautiful."

"Shaun..."

"And then you sang 'Ice Ice Baby,' totally nailed all the words. And I looked at you, and I knew."

"You knew what, Shaun? That I was crazy?"

"That I loved you and that you were the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with."

* * *

part vi

I was a planner – I had a plan for everything.

From the order I should walk down the aisles in the grocery store to my morning routine, everything was perfectly mapped out.

I had never planned on falling in love with Shaun three years ago. I had never planned on what all this year would hold for me.

I was late.

I was never late.

But I was almost two weeks late.

And I knew.

I drove to that Rite-Aid about an hour away where I flipped out about buying the condoms.

Then I waited until Shaun had gone over to the house with Mike.

Then I waited again.

* * *

I was still in college when Ann found out she was pregnant with Jack.

I usually talked to her and Greg on Sunday night so when she called on a Tuesday night, I panicked that something had happened to Greg.

"Relax, Harleigh, this is a good phone call."

"OK, soooo?"

"I'm pregnant."

"What? You and Greg? You're gonna have a baby?"

"Yes, we're going to have a baby."

"Ann, I'm so happy for you. Were you guys, you know trying?"

"Yeah, we've been talking about it for a while, and we were both ready now."

"How's Greg?"

"The smile hasn't left his face yet."

* * *

"Hi, ahhh, this is Harleigh Murphy. I was wondering if Dr. Madison has any open appointments this week."

Voice on the other end.

"Yes, Thursday at 4 would work."

Voice on the other end.

"Ummm. Yeah, I think... I'm pretty sure that I'm pregnant."

* * *

"It's gonna be a little you, Greg."

Ann and Greg had decided to find out the sex of their baby.

"I can't believe this is really happening."

"Why not?"

"It just hasn't sunk in yet."

"Ann's been pregnant for a couple of months."

"I'm gonna be a dad."

"I'm going to buy him all the cutest clothes at Baby Gap."

"I'm gonna be a dad."

"Greg..."

"Hmmm?"

"You're gonna be a wonderful dad."

* * *

"Congratulations, Harleigh, you're about six weeks along."

Dr. Madison smiled at me.

The cabin.

"I'm really? I'm really pregnant?"

"Yes, you are really pregnant."

"I... I..."

I didn't know what to say.

"Shaun and I – we're going to have a baby?"

She nodded.

I smiled.

Then I started to cry.

* * *

Greg was crying when he called to tell me Jack had been born.

"You should see him, Harleigh, he's perfect."

"How's Ann?"

"She's doing good. She's sleeping now."

"So what's he look like?"

"He's got these really tiny fingers and really tiny toes and all this dark hair."

"Awww."

"And I got to hold him. It was just... amazing."

"So are you gonna name him Ethan?"

That was the name they had decided on a couple of months ago.

"No, we're gonna name him Jack... after dad."

* * *

I couldn't go home after the appointment with Dr. Madison.

So I went to the park.

As I sat on a park bench, I had never been so excited.

As I sat on a park bench, I had never been so scared.

In my life, I had planned everything.

I hadn't planned this.

But I don't know if I had ever wanted something so much.

And I knew I had to tell Shaun. I just didn't know how.

* * *

"Careful, make sure you've got ahold of his head."

Greg placed Jack into my arms. He was only a day old.

"He's so adorable, Greg. He's so amazing, this little guy here."

"Can you believe he's mine, that he's my son?"

"I think he looks just like you."

"You know, Harleigh, I've never been so scared and so excited at the same time."

"What?"

"I'm so excited that he's... that he's mine, that I have a son. But I'm also really scared that I'm responsible for this whole other life now."

"Greg..."

"I've got this little person now who's gonna depend on me for everything, just kinda scares me."

* * *

Rose came down to my classroom after school on Friday.

"Hello, Miss Murphy."

"Hey, Rose. What are you doing in these parts?"

"I'm coming to check on you. You OK? You seemed a little bit out of it this week."

I wanted to tell Rose.

But I also wanted Shaun to be the first to know.

"Yeah, I'm OK."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I think I'm just stressed about Thanksgiving next week and all my brothers being here and all that fun holiday stuff."

"Everything's OK with you and Shaun?"

"Everything's perfect with me and Shaun."

"You sure about that too?"

"Yes, I'm sure about that too."

"He didn't propose and you didn't tell me, did he?"

"No, Rose, he didn't."

"You promise you'll let me know if you need anything?"

"I promise."

* * *

"So what aren't you telling me, Shaun? Out with it."

"Out with what?"

I could always tell when Shaun wasn't telling me something — good or bad.

"Whatever it is you're trying to keep secret. Out with it."

"I'm not trying to keep anything secret."

"I can read you like a book."

I just stared at him.

"What? What are you looking at me like that for?"

"I know if I stare at you long enough, you'll start to get nervous and then the beans will be spilled."

"You're nuts, Harleigh."

"Yeah, but you love me."

* * *

I was still sleeping when Shaun got up on Saturday.

"I should be home by about 3, Harleigh."

"OK."

"What're you gonna do today?"

"Probably clean."

He sat down on the edge of the bed beside me and kissed me.

"Don't clean. Do something fun."

"I'll make dinner."

"Don't make dinner. I made us reservations at Elliott's for tonight."

"Shaun..."

"Our reservations are for 6:30."

* * *

What Shaun wasn't telling me was that he had planned a picnic for us the next afternoon.

"What's all this for, Shaun?"

"Do I need a reason to do this?"

"No."

"OK then, Harleigh."

I kissed him.

"OK then, Shaun."

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"It's just that you have to go back to school in a couple of weeks, and I'll miss you."

* * *

I curled up on the couch that Saturday and watched Lifetime movie after Lifetime movie.

And I practiced how I was going to tell Shaun.

Shaun, I'm pregnant.

So, Shaun, you know how you bought that SUV to "haul around our offspring?" You'll be doing that in another 7 ½ months.

Shaun, it's a good thing you went back to work because we're going to have to start buying diapers soon.

Well, Shaun, despite your accident, you still seem to be quite fertile.

I made up my mind to tell him that night.

I still hadn't decided how.

* * *

Shaun and Mike had gone fishing for the weekend.

When Shaun came over to my apartment, I was in the middle of a Lifetime movie marathon. Those movies are so addictive.

Shaun kissed me as he sat down on the couch by me.

"Harleigh, I love you."

"Hmm?"

My eyes didn't leave the TV.

"Am I interrupting something here?"

"It's just that Carol's about to find out that her husband, Robert, has been sleeping with her best friend, Alice, who everyone thought was killed in a car accident two summers ago."

"Well, I guess my fishing tales just can't compare with that."

* * *

He didn't take his eyes off me the entire time we were eating dinner.

"You look really beautiful, Harleigh."

"Thank you."

"I never imagined having anyone like you in my life, deserving anyone like you in my life."

"Shaun..."

"No, don't, Harleigh."

"But, Shaun..."

"I used to think that Mike and I would end up as these bitter old bachelors for life."

"That's not going to happen — to either of you."

* * *

"Did you know I was there when Mike proposed to Meghen?"

"I didn't know that."

"It was kinda neat. I knew he was gonna do it. Our mom knew he was gonna do it. But Meghen had no clue."

"So?"

"So what?"

"So how'd he do it?"

"Both of our families had gotten together for a Christmas Eve party thing, and he had it all set up to pull the ring off the tree."

"Awww."

"I know it sounds so cheesy, but it was pretty cool – for Mike."

"For Mike."

"And I just remember my mom was so happy, so excited that night."

"I'm sorry, Shaun."

"That was our last Christmas with her."

* * *

It was a warm, clear night so we stopped at the lake.

Shaun spread out a blanket on the grass in front of his dad's cabin.

He kissed me.

"I love you, Harleigh, and I can't imagine my life without you."

"I love you, too."

I saw him reach into his pocket and take out the ring box.

But my mind couldn't process it.

He opened it.

"I'm not... I've been in love with you for so long... so long. And I wouldn't have made it through everything – anything – without you. You're the most important thing in the entire universe to me, Harleigh. I can't even imagine – I don't want to imagine – a day without you in my life.

"Harleigh, will you marry me?"

I started to cry as I looked at the ring I had found months ago in his drawer — the ring I thought I would never see again.

I couldn't speak.

"Harleigh..."

No words from me.

I knew I had to tell him.

And I worried that when I did, all of this would suddenly disappear.

"Harleigh, will you marry me?"

I closed my eyes as the tears continued to fall.

He wrapped his arms around me and held me.

He tried to laugh.

"OK, I know this isn't happening again. Harleigh, please say something."

I wiped my eyes and tried to smile.

"I'm pregnant."

"You're... you're... you're?"

"I'm pregnant."

His smile was huge.

"With a baby? We're gonna have... we're gonna have a baby?"

That smile let me know everything was going to be fine.

"That's usually how it works."

His hand was on my stomach.

"In there... in there, there's this little guy or girl who's gonna be ours? We're gonna have a baby?"

I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"I love you so much, Shaun."

When I pulled away, I saw he was crying.

"I'm not gonna mess this up, Harleigh."

"I know."

He started to put the ring on my finger. His hand was shaking almost as much as mine.

"Harleigh, will you marry me?"

"Yes, yes, I will marry you!"

* * *

Shaun and I had gone to a baseball game, and during the seventh-inning stretch the camera panned to a couple sitting a couple of rows away from us.

Everyone knew what was coming.

Everyone clapped as he got down on one knee and popped the question.

Everyone cheered as she said yes and planted a big one on him.

I started to ponder how Shaun would propose to me, if he ever decided he wanted to marry me.

His voice interrupted my thoughts.

"I don't know what the big deal is."

He took another bite of his hot dog.

"She'll have a couple of his kids. Then they'll get divorced and end of happy story."

* * *

"At the cabin, huh?"

Shaun and I were in bed that night.

"Yup, at the cabin."

We both laughed.

He rested his head on my stomach.

"I can't believe there's a little person growing in there."

He hadn't stopped smiling. And neither had I.

"I didn't know what you would think."

He moved up so his head was on the pillow with mine.

"I think this is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me — other than you agreeing to marry me."

"Ask me again."

"What?"

"Ask me again if I'll marry you."

"Harleigh, will you marry me?"

"Yes, yes, Shaun, I will marry you!"

Then I kissed him.

"We're gonna be a real family, Harleigh."

"Yeah, we are."

"Do you wanna wait and tell everyone at Thanksgiving?"

I could feel the plan forming in my mind.

"Shaun, what if we got married while everyone's here? Just a small little ceremony with our families."

"Is that what you really want? No huge ceremony, reception and all that other stuff?"

"I just want to marry you. It doesn't matter when. It doesn't matter where."

* * *

"I've gotta find the perfect tree, Shaun. You don't understand."

"You're right. I don't understand."

"If we don't go to the lot tomorrow, the perfect tree will be gone."

"And then?"

"And then Christmas will be ruined."

It was our first Christmas together.

He was silent.

"Shaun?"

"I was still in rehab last Christmas."

"Ohhh. Shaun, I'm sorry."

"No, it's OK. It was weird. Mike came out to California, out to where I was. And he got me out for the day. We both tried to act like everything was OK, everything was normal."

"Well, this year, I'm going to make sure Christmas is perfect for both of you."

"Starting with the tree?"

"Starting with the tree."

* * *

I could feel Shaun watching me as I woke up the next morning.

"I didn't dream this all, did I, Harleigh?"

I shook my head.

"I'm gonna be a husband and a dad."

"And you'll be amazing at both."

* * *

Mike and I were walking through the Christmas trees. Shaun had wandered off somewhere.

"I can't believe this is really happening, Harleigh."

"What?"

"So much has changed since last Christmas."

"Shaun told me he was still in rehab then."

"Yeah, it was pretty hard. You know, he'd been sober for a little while, and he actually seemed to be getting something from the rehab. But..."

"But what?"

"It's rough to know you can only spend a couple hours with your brother on Christmas before you have to sign him back into the rehab center."

* * *

I stopped by Rose's classroom Wednesday after school.

I hadn't been wearing my ring until Shaun and I told our families. But I couldn't keep it from Rose any longer.

"Hey, Rose."

"Hey, Harleigh."

"You getting ready for the big family Thanksgiving at your parents'?"

"I have to heavily medicate myself to endure the whole thing. Are you guys heading to Greg's?"

"Yeah, we are. Rose..."

"What?"

I showed her my hand, complete with engagement ring.

"Holy shit. He did it. The little chicken did it."

She hugged me.

"I'm so excited for you, Harleigh."

"Thank you."

"So I want details."

"He proposed Saturday night. We went out to Elliott's and then to the lake. And it was perfect. We're telling everybody tomorrow."

"I'm so happy for you two."

"There's kinda something else."

"I don't follow."

"I'm pregnant."

She hugged me again.

"Harleigh! Oh my! I don't know... I don't know what to say. What did Shaun say?"

"He was so happy and so excited. Everything is perfect, Rose, everything."

"I can't believe the two of you. Have you set a date for the wedding or anything?"

"Friday."

I had found a dress earlier in the week. Shaun had found a suit. We found a baker, bought our wedding bands and found our pastor all in the same afternoon. What took some couples a year of stressing over, took us a week.

Rose looked at me like I was crazy and wrapped her arms around me again.

* * *

It took Shaun close to an hour to get the tree standing securely.

He and Mike were going to come over the next day to help decorate it.

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey what?"

"Thanks for doing this."

"What are you talking about?"

"This, you know. You're trying so hard to make Christmas special for me and Mike, and..."

"I just want things to be... yeah, special."

He changed the topic.

"So is this the perfect tree or what?"

"Shaun..."

"What?"

"I want to have Christmas here this year."

"What?"

"Every year, we all go to Greg's on Christmas, but I want everyone to come here this year, here with me, you and Mike. My apartment is huge. I have more than enough room."

"Harleigh, they're your family."

"And they need to see my perfect tree."

* * *

Shaun had turned the Thanksgiving Day Parade on while he was making breakfast.

I came up from behind him and wrapped my arms around him.

"You're going to spoil me, Shaun."

He fed me a strawberry.

"I'm going to pamper you."

"Hey, Shaun."

"Hey what?"

"Has it sunk in yet?"

"What?"

"Everything that's happened this year?"

He kissed the top of my head as he held me.

"This has easily been the best year of my life, Harleigh."

* * *

"Merry Christmas, Harleigh."

Shaun walked through my kitchen door, wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me.

"Merry Christmas, Shaun."

"What is this? You don't have the lights to the perfect tree plugged in yet?"

"I've been busy cooking all morning, and I figured I'd let you do the honors."

He went into the living room and plugged the tree in.

"So what do you need help with?"

"Do you feel like chopping up some veggies?"

"Yeah, I feel like chopping up some veggies."

I noticed how big his smile was.

I leaned over and kissed his cheek.

"What's got you so happy?"

"This, all of this. Being with you and Mike, having a normal holiday, knowing that I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and remember all of this."

I just looked at him, unsure of what to say.

Then Mike came through the door.

"Merry Christmas, Shaun and Harleigh."

* * *

Shaun was driving to Greg's.

Mike was following us because he was going to leave early to go to Kristin's.

"You OK, Harleigh? Are you too hot, too cold? You OK?"

"I'm wonderful."

"You can take a little nap before we get there."

"I don't need a nap."

"So, Harleigh, do you wanna tell them before we eat or after?"

"How about before?"

"I was thinking after."

"Why?"

"Because, if we do it after, there's a better chance that Jon won't be close to a knife."

* * *

It was about a half hour before everyone was supposed to get to my apartment.

I found Shaun sitting outside on my deck.

"You want some company?"

He smiled when he saw me.

"Hey, Harleigh. I was just thinking."

"About what?"

"Lots of stuff."

"Like?"

"Like I'm pretty nervous to meet Noah and Drew."

Shaun had already met Greg, but not Noah or Drew.

"Why?"

"Just because."

"I love you, Shaun."

* * *

Drew whisked Shaun and Mike away to watch football with him and Jon and Jack almost as soon as we got in the door.

Beth was playing with Mona, and Ann and Greg were busy in the kitchen.

Noah and I started setting the table.

"I can't believe how good Shaun's doing, Harleigh."

"I know. It's kind of crazy, isn't it?"

"It's kind of crazy that Jon hasn't insulted him yet."

"I think, or I hope, those days are long gone."

"You guys seem really happy, Harleigh."

"We are. Happier than I ever thought I'd be."

* * *

Drew and Noah hadn't stopped talking to Shaun since they got to my apartment.

I finally pulled Noah away to help me set the table.

We were alone in the kitchen.

"So?"

"So what, Harleigh?"

"What do you think, what do you think of Shaun?"

"I think he's great. I'm glad I got to meet him since you were hiding him at Thanksgiving."

"I wasn't hiding him. I just didn't know if he was ready for all that Murphy family madness."

"He's a good guy."

"I know that. But I don't think he knows it."

* * *

Everyone had finished eating, and Drew and Noah were getting ready to clear the table.

"Wait."

My voice seemed to surprise everyone.

I grabbed Shaun's hand and made him stand up with me.

"Shaun and I have something... something we want to tell all of you."

There was silence.

I looked up at Shaun. He was smiling.

"Well, it's been a really rough year for Shaun and me. There've been a lot of hard times this year." I could tell my voice was shaking.

I was starting to cry. Shaun pulled me closer.

"But we made it through them." The smile on Shaun's face was huge.

"Saturday night, Shaun asked me to marry him. And I said yes. We're getting married tomorrow, and we want you all to be there."

I looked around the table and saw all the smiles.

They cheered. They clapped. They whistled. Even Jon.

Shaun leaned down and kissed me.

I squeezed his hand more tightly.

"There's something else we want to tell you." The shaking in my voice came back tenfold.

I took a deep breath, making sure to avoid eye contact with Jon.

"I'm pregnant."

Silence.

Silence.

Drew spoke.

"Way to go, Shaun."

* * *

After everyone had finished eating and opening gifts, Shaun was playing trucks with Jack.

Jack smiled and laughed as Shaun raced the trucks across the floor. He wrapped his little arms around Shaun and kissed him on the cheek. Then the races started again.

Mike watched it all from the corner of the living room.

"What are you thinking about, Mike?"

He smiled at me.

"I was thinking about how much has changed in this last year."

"Look at them. They're so adorable."

"Harleigh, I don't know if I can ever thank you enough for how happy you make my brother."

* * *

After everyone had congratulated us, I found Jon standing alone outside.

As I came up beside him, he put his arm around me.

"Congratulations, Harleigh."

"Are you mad, Jon?"

"Mad?"

"About the baby. I mean, I know..."

"Harleigh, you and Shaun love each other so much, so much. You'll be amazing parents."

"Thank you, Jon."

"You know he asked all of us?"

I looked up at him through teary eyes.

"What?"

"Shaun, he asked all of us if he could ask you to marry him. Me, Greg, Noah, Drew, he asked all of us."

"I didn't know."

Jon laughed.

"He was so nervous when he called me. I kind of felt bad for him. But watching the two of you go through everything you went through this year; Harleigh, that would have destroyed so many relationships."

"Not ours."

"You know you're going to have to take it easy now with the baby, make sure you're getting enough sleep..."

"I know."

"Shaun's a really lucky guy."

"Jon..."

"Hmmm?"

"I really want you and Greg to walk me down the aisle tomorrow, give me away."

"I love you, Harleigh."

I could see the tears in his eyes.

* * *

Greg was helping me wash the dishes.

"He's gonna make a great dad someday, Harleigh."

"What?"

"Shaun. He's going to make a great dad. Just look at him with Jack."

"Whoa, slow down, Greg. We've only been together a couple of months."

"But you really love him, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do."

"It shows."

"This was his first Christmas... his first real Christmas since he's been sober, and I just wanted it to be special for him. He deserves it."

"You deserve something special, too. So go rescue him from Noah and Drew, and I'll finish the dishes."

"Thanks, Greg, for everything."

* * *

I had just tucked Mona in bed.

Drew was waiting outside in the hallway.

"So you and Shaun finally did something more than hold hands?"

A grin spread across his entire face.

I was smiling, too.

"Shut up, Drew."

"Hands-on rehab? Had to make sure everything worked after the accident?"

"You're disgusting, you know that, right?"

"Harleigh..."

"What?"

"I'm really happy for you and Shaun."

"Thank you."

"Harleigh..."

"What?"

"I haven't... I haven't really prayed, you know, since mom and dad died. But I, ahhh, every day that Shaun was in the hospital, I prayed for him."

"Drew..."

"You've already lost enough people. I didn't want you to lose him, too."

* * *

Drew was outside smoking.

"Merry Christmas, Harleigh."

"Merry Christmas, Drew."

"So about this Shaun fellow..."

"What about this Shaun fellow?"

He clapped.

"I approve."

"Well, now that I have your approval."

"I like him, Harleigh."

"Me too."

"So the drugs and drinking and stuff don't bother you?"

"No."

"You're not a good liar, little sister."

"All that stuff he went through then makes him who he is now."

"Can I be there when you try to feed that line of shit to Jon?"

* * *

Everyone was in the family room, watching football except Shaun and Jon.

They were standing on the deck, and I watched — and listened — to them through the open kitchen window.

I caught them in mid-conversation.

"She told me right after I asked her to marry me. You know, I asked her, and she didn't say anything. I was panicking, thinking that this couldn't be happening again. Then she told me she was pregnant."

"Did it scare you?"

"No, it didn't. I was just so... so excited. I love her, Jon; I love her so much."

"I know you do."

"It's kind of surreal. I mean a couple months ago I was in that hospital, and I didn't know if I was going to get better. I didn't know if I could be the guy she fell in love with. Now... I... We..."

Shaun was trying to hold the tears back, but I could hear them in his voice.

Jon put his arm around him.

* * *

"So Noah and Drew really like you, Shaun."

"Really?"

We were watching a movie after everyone had left.

"Yes, really. Why wouldn't they like you?"

"I don't think most brothers would want their sister to get involved with someone like me."

"Someone like you?"

"Yeah, you know, everything I..."

"Shaun, stop. You're amazing."

"No, I'm all fucked up."

"No, you aren't. You're amazing."

I kissed him.

"Why are you saying that?"

"Because it's true."

"No."

"Shaun, you need to start giving yourself some credit."

I kissed him again.

"For what?"

"For how amazing you are."

"OK, Harleigh, were you downing the eggnog?"

"Thank you for an amazing Christmas."

"This is my first real Christmas in like six years."

"And?"

"And what?"

"Was it perfect?"

He nodded.

* * *

Shaun had barely said anything on the ride home from Greg's.

"You OK?"

"I'm a little tired."

"Do you want me to drive?"

As he shook his head, he reached over and placed his hand on my stomach.

"Harleigh, I'm going take care of you — both of you."

* * *

It was the day before Shaun's accident.

I was driving home from work when I got a flat tire.

I pulled off to the side of the highway, and the tears were already falling.

I called Shaun.

"Harleigh, what's wrong? What happened? Are you OK?"

I had no idea how to change my own tire so of course I was out-of-control hysterical.

"I have a flat tire."

I heard him laugh.

"Are you OK?"

"I have a flat tire."

"Yeah, but, are you OK?"

"Yes."

"Listen, just stay right there, and I'll take care of you, OK? It's gonna be fine."

* * *

I was massaging Shaun's hand as we sat on the couch.

He looked exhausted.

"That feels really good, Harleigh."

"You look so tired."

He smiled.

"I didn't have a nap today."

I rested my head on his shoulder as his arms wrapped around me.

"Jack was so excited that you're finally going to be Uncle Shaun."

"Hey, Harleigh."

"Hey, what?"

"I'm so excited that I'm finally going to be your husband."

* * *

Shaun found me along the highway about 20 minutes later.

I had stopped crying.

"Ready to fix this thing?" His grin was huge.

I hugged him.

"Harleigh, it's OK. You just got a flat tire."

"You can fix this?"

"Of course, I can fix this."

"Are you sure you can fix this?"

"Are you doubting my skills?"

"No, but I think I'll let you drive my car home and I'll drive your truck."

* * *

Shaun was sleeping on the couch when the doorbell rang at about 10.

It was Mike.

We went outside to talk.

"So there's a wedding tomorrow, Harleigh?"

"Yup, we don't need to wait any longer."

"Congratulations, Harleigh. I am so happy for both – well, all three of you."

"Sometimes, Mike, I can't believe this is all really happening. Getting married, the baby, it's all so unbelievable."

"It's been a pretty crazy year for both of you."

* * *

Later that night after Shaun fixed my flat tire, we went out to this pastry shop about an hour away.

"You've gotta try this, Harleigh."

He gave me a bite of his Oreo cheesecake.

"That's amazing."

"If we lived any closer to this shop, I would be jumbo Shaun."

"Thanks for today."

"It's no problem."

"No, really."

"Harleigh, it was just a flat tire."

"You rescued me."

He shook his head.

"No, you rescued me."

* * *

Shaun was half asleep as he made his way from the couch to the bedroom.

He took his shirt off and threw his jeans on the floor before curling up beside me.

His eyes were closed.

"Harleigh..."

I pulled him close to me.

"Hmmm?"

"I love you so much."

I kissed the top of his head.

* * *

"Harleigh, it was a just a flat tire."

It was the morning of Shaun's accident, and Rose and I were walking into the school.

"No, it was a sign."

"A sign?"

"Yeah, a sign about how much I need him in my life. I don't know what I would have done without him."

"Probably called AAA."

* * *

When I woke up, Shaun's hand was resting on my stomach.

"Morning, Harleigh."

"Good morning."

I put my hand on top of his.

He still looked really tired.

"You OK, Shaun?"

"Yeah, I was just really stressed out, worried about yesterday, telling everybody."

"I know."

"Happy wedding day, Harleigh."

He pulled me close and kissed me.

"Today I become Mrs. Parker."

"I've been waiting three years for that."

* * *

"You're acting weird, Shaun."

"You're crazy."

It was about six hours before his accident. He had come shopping with me at the mall.

"No, you're acting weird, like... I don't know. What aren't you telling me?"

"I'm telling you you're crazy."

"No, that's not it."

"Are we almost done?"

"Shaun..."

He took my hand.

"Sorry, I've just got a lot on my mind lately."

"Like what?"

"Just stuff."

"Bad stuff or good stuff?"

"Good stuff, I think."

I squeezed his hand and pulled him into the Gap.

"Come on, last store I promise."

* * *

Jon and Greg each had ahold of me as they walked me down the makeshift aisle in the lodge at the lake.

There were tears in their eyes.

There were tears in Shaun's eyes.

There were tears in my eyes.

I don't know if there was a dry eye in the place.

As Shaun took my hands, I thought about how far we had come in the past year – in the past three years.

I was about to be a wife and a mother – and I wasn't scared at all.

I was never scared with Shaun beside me.

Saying "I do" was one of the easiest things I've ever done.

* * *

Shaun was driving us back to my apartment after we left the mall.

"So are you ready to tell me yet, Shaun?"

"Tell you what?"

"Tell me what you've been thinking about."

"I was just thinking that right now, my life is probably more perfect than it has been for a really, really long time. I'm sober, and I actually think that I can stay that way. I've had the same job for almost four years. I'm gonna go back to school..."

"And I'm in love with you."

I saw the smirk on his face.

"Yeah, that too."

* * *

Shaun and I were getting ready to leave the lodge and head home for the first time as Mr. and Mrs. Parker.

But as Shaun started driving, I realized we were heading in the opposite direction from our place.

"Shaun, where are we going?"

"It's a surprise." He grinned.

About 20 minutes later we arrived at his parents' house.

Shaun walked me through the house, pointing out all the things he and Mike had worked on. Everything looked so new and perfect.

"It looks great, Shaun."

I was still confused about why we were here.

"It's weird because I can still see the house the way it looked when Mike and I were growing up. This really big and ugly plaid couch in the family room. This crazy floral wallpaper that my mom was in love with in that bathroom. The bright-blue shaggy carpet I had in my bedroom."

"It's really different now, huh?"

He took my hand.

"Come on. I wanna show you something."

We went upstairs to the room that used to be his bedroom.

As soon as he opened the door, I knew.

I stood beside the crib and cried.

"Shaun..."

He took me in his arms.

"Harleigh, I want this for us. I want this to be our home."

"Hey, Shaun."

"Hey what?

"I love you."
epilogue

It had been six years since Harleigh and I had gotten married, six of the best years of my life.

I never imagined that I would have – or deserve – the kind of happiness I had with her.

And Maddie. She wasn't even 6 yet, but she had me wrapped around her finger.

She looked just like Harleigh – just like Harleigh. But she acted just like me – just like goofy, stubborn, wild me.

I spent every day trying to make them feel like they were the two most special girls in the world because, to me, they were.

"Throw it higher, Daddy! Throw it higher!"

I lobbed the ball higher in the air and watched Maddie run around before snatching it up in her tiny glove.

"Good catch, Mad."

"You're throwing it like I'm a girl. Throw it higher AND harder!" She threw her glove down, kicked the grass and put her hands on her hips.

It was all I could do to keep from smiling.

"Come on, we gotta go in. We'll play again tomorrow, OK?"

"I'm not happy."

It was becoming more apparent every day that she hadn't inherited Harleigh's personality.

"You're not happy, huh?" I said as I scooped her up and flung her over my shoulder. "Your Uncle Mike and Aunt Kristin are going to be so upset that you're not happy."

"Put me down, Daddy!" she squealed as I headed toward the house. Her little fists pounded my back, while her feet kicked my sides and stomach.

Harleigh rolled her eyes at us, as she stood on the porch holding the door open. I stopped and kissed her.

"Gross! Gross! Gross!" Maddie shouted.

I carried her into the living room and dropped her down on the couch where Mike and Kristin were sitting. She giggled and climbed onto Kristin's lap.

"I love you, Mad. We'll be home later. Be good for your aunt and uncle, OK?"

"Sure, I promise," she said as she waved her crossed fingers in front of her face.

Harleigh and I said our goodbyes and then headed out to dinner to celebrate our six-year wedding anniversary.

At Elliott's, of course.

As I drove, Harleigh looked out the window, but I could see the grin on her face.

"What are you thinking about, Harleigh?"

"Maddie's a handful. I think she gets it from you."

"You think?" I was grinning. Even though my handful years had been a long time ago, I still thought about them almost every day – and realized just how far I'd come. I was sober. I had gotten my degree and was teaching at my old high school. I was married to the most amazing woman. "I don't want to even imagine what she's going to be like when she's a teenager."

I was pulling into Elliott's as Harleigh took my hand, kissed it and placed it on her stomach.

"Or when she's a big sister."

I looked at her and saw the tears in the corners of her eyes.

We had been trying since Maddie was about 2 – trying without any luck.

"Harleigh..."

"I'm pregnant, Shaun."

I wrapped my arms around her as best I could.

"I love you so much, Harleigh."

Even now after all these years together, it still surprised me sometimes how my love for her could be so overwhelming.

"I love you, Shaun."

And hearing those words from her was even more overwhelming.

They were part of what saved me.

