 
I want to go back

Back to when I was a child

When I could forgive easily

When I would watch his hands

Smash into her body

Then forgive

I want to go back

Back to being a virgin

Before the sexual assault

Before I hated the very image of myself

Before he made me feel dirty

My own flesh and blood

I want to go back

Back to when my smile was real

My hustle was clear

My future made sense

But I can't go back

I'm stuck then

In hopelessness, despair

In fear

In confusion

In death

1

DEPRESSION

According to the World Health Organisation, more than 300 million people worldwide are suffering from depression. More women than men are affected by depression and I happen to be one of those women. When I was first diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety, I was happy. Not happy because I was ill, but glad that what was wrong with me had a name and other people were going through it; it meant I was not alone. For a long time, I asked myself what was wrong with me and not knowing led to further frustration. I wasn't happy and I did not feel like a good person. I felt like I had demons and they were holding me back from being the best I could be. I lost interest in everything; I had to push myself to get through the day, not because I wanted to, but I knew I had to. Getting out of bed took too much effort. My body felt heavy and walking hurt. A counsellor from the South African Depression and Anxiety Group had told me that on the days I did not feel like getting up, those are the days I had to get up because it is easy to end up feeling suicidal but pushing myself started to feel like it was just making matters worse. Trying to be okay when I was not okay was mentally exhausting. It got to a point when I felt like death would be better. One of the things that really pushed me to seek help was when I started feeling like quitting school. I love studying so much that I could do it for the rest of my life if I could get paid for it, so that was just a red flag for me. I was barely functional, and I could not focus on my school work. Not being able to focus made matters worse because I started panicking, feeling like I am doomed for failure. I constantly wanted to sleep but never felt rested.

I thought of going to therapy numerous times, but I was scared, scared of what I would learn. I kept coming up with excuses as to why I shouldn't see a psychologist. I would tell myself, on days when I felt better, that I did not need therapy as I was doing just fine. But I was lying to myself. I eventually decided to give it a try. I booked an appointment with the University of Cape Town student wellness and went on to have 10 sessions with the assigned clinical psychologist who gave me a preliminary diagnosis of major depressive disorder. I attended one session per week of therapy, but I was worried it was not adequate for me. I started to feel like hospitalisation was what I needed because I was overwhelmed at home. Having to come home to a noisy environment, having to continue being a good mother regardless of how low I was feeling was a bit too much for me. A simple disagreement with my boyfriend would get out of hand and become a big deal. I could not handle things well which made me feel even more like being secluded from people to give myself a chance to recuperate. There were days when I wouldn't even feel like talking. I was so tired of feeling terrible and not knowing why I felt that way. I felt like I was going crazy with a million thoughts running through my head but simultaneously feeling like I couldn't think of nothing else other than the fact that I was in a bad space. I was frustrated by my inability to do anything for myself to make the situation better. One minute I would feel like I just want to be left alone, the next I would feel like I need so much love. I was a walking paradox, I wanted to shut down. I started having passive suicidal ideations. It did not seem like therapy was helping me much. I also started to become forgetful. I would go into a room and not know why I was there or start a sentence but fail to finish it because I forgot what I wanted to say.

I think the reason that therapy wasn't working for me at the time was that the psychologist was not the right match for me, his techniques weren't working on me. It is possible that he was fooled by how bubbly I came across to him hence he eventually decided I did not need any more sessions, but that is generally how I am. I try not to wear my negative emotions on my sleeve. Another reason was that it was hard for me to verbally describe how I was feeling, I prefer to write; so, I think he never quite got the picture. It is very important that you find someone you feel comfortable with and commit yourself to the healing process, holding nothing back for therapy to work.

I stopped seeing the first psychologist after 10 sessions, but I was not happy with my state of mind, so I went on to see another one. The new psychologist referred me to a psychiatrist who put me on an antidepressant and an antipsychotic to help me sleep and advised that I keep seeing the psychologist too. Along with therapy and medication, I endeavoured to listening to and reading only content that would feed my soul and help me heal. I have since read numerous books that have helped me, one of which was 'Self Matters' by Dr Philip McGraw. This book helped me identify the defining moments which led to how I saw myself and subsequently how I behaved. What you believe about yourself is very important. One of the things that I came to understand on my journey of healing was how important self-love and acceptance is.

Your beliefs determine your thoughts. If you believe that you are stupid, then you will live your life confirming your belief. What follows is an account of my defining moments and choices and how I have since healed from them, as well as the people that have had a major impact on my life. As you read, take note of how, through my beliefs about myself, I kept attracting the same kind of treatment or how I found proof of what I believed.

2

THE DEFINING ASPECTS OF MY LIFE

# Domestic abuse: a hostile home

I must have been five or so. I remember crying by the window non-stop. I had tried to open the door to go get help but found it locked. I could not open it. I think there must have been no key at the door, or if there was, I could not turn it to open the door, so I opted for the window. The window was also closed but I stood there, vision blurry because of the tears. I stood there and screamed and cried out loud hoping someone would hear me and come offer some help. What was happening? My father was beating the life out of my mother and I could not do anything about it.

I was not alone, I think I must have been with my sister and possibly the maid, but I felt alone. I was terrified and weak at the same time and just gave in to my screams. The world seemed to come to a stop and all that mattered was how hard I could scream. My father could not care less, it was as if I was not even there. He kept on beating at my mother knowing that he would later apologise, pay for the damage and win my mother back.

You see what used to happen was that my father would beat up my mother, my mother would seek help from her parents and my father and his parents would go see my maternal grandparents and together they would convince my parents to stay together and they would pay for the damage my father did by form of a cow.

I do not recall a lot of these incidents because they all occurred between my infant days until I was six or so. I do, however, recall another incident when my father was yet again beating up my mother. I must have been five or six years old. It seemed to me at the time that my little brother, only months to a year old, had been playing with the toilet papers, making a mess. My father got angry and took it out on my mom. There may have been more to it than that, but that is how I remember it. I remember my mom managing to get out of the house and run to the neighbours for help. I cannot remember if this was a separate incident from when I could not open the door or if it was the time he was beating her for 'letting' my brother play with the toilet papers, but I remember I was sad. I wasn't crying this time, I was just routing for my mom to get help. My father chased her all the way to the neighbour's house. That went on until the day my father almost killed my mother. I was staying with my maternal grandparents because my mom had moved to a different town for work. My mom came home with bruises and a neck brace. One of her eyes was purple and her neck showed signs of being strangled. She sat down with my grandmother to tell her what happened. I was eavesdropping when I heard she and my dad were getting a divorce. I don't remember being sad about the divorce, I was just sad for my mother and the seemingly extreme assault she got from my father.

I think my father was generally an aggressive man. I recall him beating my sister up until she bled one night. My mom had already moved to another town – Kokstad, and we were staying with my father and a maid. My sister had stayed out late with her boyfriend. That may have called for discipline but to beat up your child to the point of bleeding is just plain demonic.

I also remember a time when my brother and I went out shopping with him and he had an altercation with another man inside the shop threatening to beat him. It is as if he never ceased to find reasons to be aggressive but nonetheless, he was my father and I loved him.

We would play his keyboard together and he taught me how to use the sign language. I remember I was closer to him than I was to my mother and I loved him as soon as everything seemed ok. It seemed to my five years old mind, once the violence had stopped, it was as if it had never happened, but I realised years later that those events did not fail to leave me with scars. I related to the song by Christina Aguilera 'I'm Ok' with the following lines standing out to me:

"Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same. I still remember how you left me so afraid. Strength is my mother for all the love she gave."

A therapist from my former high school once said to me that it seems like I feel guilty for not being able to help my mother all those years ago. Honestly, I am not sure if that is the case, but I am now telling myself and hoping that I eventually believe that I did all that I could have done, it was not my fault and it was not up to me to make the change.

The above was a defining case for me because it:

  * Disrupted my conflict resolution skills; to this day, I am unable to disagree/argue with someone particularly my boyfriend without feeling like the world is crashing all around me. At some point in my life, I could not even listen to other people arguing, I would panic and start crying. I am always desperate for a disagreement to come to an end to the point that sometimes I agree to things I would otherwise not agree to simply because I want the argument to end and the peace restored. The sound of crying makes me extremely anxious which is difficult for me because I have two kids. I have only recently realised my issues with conflict, and I am now working on getting past them.

  * Made me feel the need to protect and keep my mom happy even at the expense of my own happiness. I always tried to be the best daughter I could be.

  * Left me feeling unwanted by both my parents particularly my mother.

Prayer

I remember standing around a bed, singing and praying for my brother who was on the bed. I did not know what was wrong with him, but the room was solemn, and my father wasn't there. As an adult, I found out that one of his feet kept turning and facing backwards. Today though, both his feet are perfectly normal.

We also used to pray every night before bed at my maternal grandparents' place. We would have praise and worship led by a drum before the prayer. My grandfather is a pastor and not a single night would go by without praise, worship, and prayer. With that kind of exposure to faith, I grew up listening to Joyous Celebration and I loved singing gospel songs. I would stand outside my grandparents' house and sing out loud. I remember those times when I was singing, I would be filled with so much joy and peace. My grandfather also used to drag us to church on Saturdays with him. I hated it because it was a whole day event; we would get back home around 4-5 pm having left around 8:00 am. When we were not at church on a particular Saturday, we were expected to do nothing the whole day because it was Sabbath. I used to have to attend a lot of church events too as the grandchild of a pastor. This taught me prayer and gave me a sense of family and togetherness.

# Moving in with grandparents

In the year 2000, my mother got a job in a different town (Kokstad). At first, we stayed with my father (who always came back home late at night) and a maid. One day my brother got burnt by the paraffin heater whilst taking a bath and the maid hid it for a week. I think after that my mom decided she could not trust a maid and she had us move in with her parents. My brother and I moved in with our grandparents when I was about seven going on eight years old whilst my sister went to boarding school in Pietermaritzburg. During our stay with my grandparents, I was introduced to the idea of witchcraft. There was talk that some neighbour of ours wanted to bewitch me. I became too scared to even walk past her house and started having nightmares and not sleeping well. I would just, out of nowhere, jump up at night involuntarily when I was sleeping. My grandmother started applying some oil behind my ears so that I could sleep better. The startling movements I made whilst sleeping and the nightmares continued until I was 13 (inclusive).

I remember one night, sleeping with my brother and the maid, my grandmother's nephew came into the bedroom, stripped naked then tried to get into bed, to rape the maid. That was my first encounter with sexual assault and that day stayed with me. I remember my grandmother beating him up and locked him out until the morning when he then had to leave. I generally didn't trust or particularly like men. I am not sure when that came about; if it were because of my father or a series of events such as the above-mentioned. I hated it when boys asked me out, I had absolutely no interest in dating.

# The Divorce

The year I turned 10 after my parents separated, my brother and I moved to Kokstad to stay with my mom. I went to one of the best schools in the area and started playing sports for the first time. I had friends but for the first time, I wasn't the popular or the best in my class like I was used to. I was friends with the average kids. That soon changed in grade 5 though, when I became the best in the class academically, but I remained being closer to the average kids. Even with friends, I felt lonely. I think those years were lonely years because since my parents separated, I felt unwanted particularly by my mother who had said, "I do not want any kids with me." When I think about it now, I feel a bit sad, but I also understand that she must have been hurting having just got divorced. I remember calling my father at 10 years to ask for money to go to a school tour and he never sent it. He never even bothered to keep in contact with us. He still doesn't and even when I desperately need money and he is the only person left I can ask, I always dread talking to him because he isn't warm or welcoming as a dad should be. I have made terms with it and I don't think it really bothers me anymore. I, however, continued to feel alone and misunderstood right through my teenage years. There was even a time when I disowned my mother because I felt like she didn't care about me. It did not help that she had me moving around, staying with other people. She would not even call to check up on me; she was completely detached.

# Being kicked off the team

I used to play netball in primary school. I played the centre position. The year I turned 13, there was an important match out of town. Initially, I was chosen to go play as part of the team then suddenly one day the coach changed her mind and another girl went in my place. I was hurt and felt like I wasn't good enough. When they went to play the match, on their way there, they got involved in a car accident. I told myself and keep telling myself that was the reason why I didn't go; God was protecting me because the girl who went in my place was hurt the most, but it still hurt me.

# Sexual assault

His touch silenced the world  
His smile buckled my knees  
When he held me  
I met his gaze  
Instantly, the fire in me  
Was put out  
I knew then,  
I had no fight in me  
Left to resist him

He pinned me down  
Tore at my clothes  
My screams were music  
The lyrics: his motivation  
The higher the tone  
The more he danced

It was a solo  
I could not move  
Then the music went silent  
I laid, waiting  
For the end

I was sexually assaulted several times with one incident standing out. This was when I was sexually assaulted by a family member.

At the time I was staying with my mother, brother, and nephew. We have a stand-alone room which we call eight corner because the rooftop has eight corners. My mom let two guys use it during that time. One of them is related to her somehow, her uncle or cousin, I shall call him John, and the other was my uncle's friend. During the day I would be alone in the house, with everyone else at school or at work, but the two men who stayed in the stand-alone room never left. One day John's son (I shall call him Junior) came over, but he never even went to see his father in eight corner. I knew him from when we were kids. I think he must be a couple of years older than me. When he came in, he asked for a hug. I wasn't expecting it, but I guessed that he must be feeling affectionate since we had spent some time together in the past, so I hugged him. There was something about his hug though, it did not feel right, but I pushed the thought aside and released myself from his hold. We sat in the lounge and he started making comments about me that made me suspicious. He went out to get a couple of beers from a nearby tavern then came back to the house. When he came back, after being gone for approximately fifteen minutes, he asked for a hug again, then I knew for sure something wasn't right, but I did not know what to do. I gave him another hug, praying it would end there but he held on too tightly, all the while talking about how beautiful I was. I asked him to let go of me as I tried to free myself from his grip. He let go and went to sit on the couch. I went to the kitchen to grab a knife thinking to myself if he dares come near me again, I would stab him; by now, I was thoroughly scared, and my nephew had come back from school. The three of us sat in the lounge, with the door leading to the back yard, facing the outside room, open. Junior moved from the couch he was sitting on to sit next to me. I got scared and pulled out the knife, threatening to stab him if he came any closer, he smiled. He then came closer, with one hand reaching for the knife, another for my thigh. I was so paralysed at that point I couldn't even do anything with the knife. He just took it out of my hand with ease, smiling, saying I wouldn't stab him so I must just give him the knife. He started touching me, undressing me, playing with my breasts, reaching for his pants, pushing me down onto my back. I managed to find my voice and I screamed so hard, crying, but that seemed to bring him more pleasure, more excitement. I tried to get up, get him off me, but I was so weak my efforts were pointless, so I just stopped and kept screaming and screaming, all the while my nephew was there, watching. I couldn't understand why none of the men that were staying in eight corner did not come and check what was going on. I started giving up, giving in when three ladies I have never seen before came budging in and he jumped off me and ran. I was so scared I went to lock myself in my mom's room and everything that happened after is a blur. First came my little brother. I don't know how long it had been, time seemed to have stopped for me and my whole world was just crushing down. He came, I guess my nephew told him what had happened because he quickly grabbed a knife and left to look for my violator. Next came my cousin, he must have heard too, he wanted to talk to me, asked what happened but I was too ashamed to say, me, the victim, was the ashamed one. He let me be, I don't know where he went but I just stayed in my mom's room, crying. I could not stop crying, I felt dirty; I wanted to crawl out of my skin; I hated myself. I was curled up into a ball on the floor for a while and that's all I can remember. I don't know when I left the room or what I did when I left the room. I don't even know who told my mother because she knew even though she and I have never talked about it to this day. I have no idea how the rest of that evening even went, but I knew one thing for sure, I wasn't pressing any charges. I could not re-live what had happened for another minute. The next day I went on with my life like nothing had ever happened. This incident created a fear of men in me. I feared any man that walked this earth. If I was walking down a street and I saw a man, I would cross. I wasn't just scared though, I was also angry, I thought men were all just dogs. You see, after my assault, it was like I was a magnet to men with no respect for women whatsoever. I was assaulted on the street, twice, within three months. I don't remember one of the incidents well, but I remember one quite vividly because of the response I got from my boyfriend when I told him about it. I had just come back from escorting Leroy – my boyfriend. The guy started calling out to me as I was walking back home, and I got scared instantly but I wanted to put on a brave face, so I just responded with a hello without stopping. He pursued me and eventually grabbed me. He appeared drunk. I tried to free myself, but he was much stronger and holding me tightly, but I kept fighting, then I started screaming. He tried to shut me up, but I kept screaming and he eventually let go. When this incident happened, Leroy already knew about my assault by Junior, but when I told him about this incident, he had never been colder in his response. He spoke as if I brought these traumatising experiences upon myself, like it was all my fault that I was a target. It dawned on me why it is said that so many rape survivors don't want to speak up or press charges; it is because society blames us. Even if it does not mean to sometimes, but society still makes us feel worse than we already do about the unfortunate experiences that we have.

Another issue that some if not all women are facing, is how men make you second guess yourself or fear being sworn at. A thing that men do now is that if they try to get your attention and you try to cut them short before it gets far because you have absolutely no interest in them, they swear at you, calling a lady all sorts unpleasant things that they can think of and they never fail to say: "who do you think you are that I would want you, I was just greeting/doing you a favour by even talking to you, you ugly bitch." We find ourselves living with two fears; fear of appearing like I am leading you on and I want this, and fear of being belittled when I am frank with you from the start. It seems like there is no winning for us.

# Relationship with my mother

I went to my first therapy session at 17 when I went to see the school psychologist. I did not really want to go, I did not believe therapy would work for me, but I had promised my then-boyfriend I would give it a try. When I told my mother about it at 19, she said that I would not need therapy if I just accepted how things were but instead, I choose to compare myself with other kids which was not true. Her response hurt me and fed into my thoughts of her not caring about me or wanting me.

When I was 13 my mother left us to stay with my older sister in Kokstad whilst she moved back home. I moved back home from Kokstad at 14, then at 16 I went to live with my cousin and at 17 with my aunt. The moving around also further fed into my belief that my mother did not want me, she never let me stay with her long enough. My relationship with my mother wasn't a good one, it barely existed, and we could not spend much time together without fighting.

It was further strained by my falling pregnant at 19, fresh out of high school and waiting for the next semester to start at UNISA. As a result of my not applying to universities the previous year, I ended up starting my first year during the second semester. My mother was not happy to hear about my pregnancy. When I found out, I did not know how to tell her, so I kept it to myself for weeks whilst I worked up the courage to speak up. One night she had a dream which she interpreted as a sign that one of her children was pregnant. At the time she was not on speaking terms with my sister, so I was the first to be confronted. I did not bother denying it. If anything, I was glad she asked, and I could finally get it off my chest. The moment I confirmed her fears, she told me to leave her house since I have decided I am a woman now. This was not the last time she would chase me away from her house, my home. She has since told me to take my child and leave for speaking up about her flaws which ultimately affected me too. Luckily at that time I had been accepted at the University of Cape Town and would soon leave her house.

When she found about the pregnancy and chased me away, I refused to leave but things just kept getting worse between us as the months went by. Things only seemed to get better when I went to work in a town 45 minutes away when my baby was 9 months old but when I resigned and came back home, we were back to square one until I eventually left for Cape Town where I still reside.

# My first boyfriend

I had my first boyfriend at 15 who further fed into my feeling unwanted and like I was not good enough. He wanted to break up with me, but I did not realise it at the time. I thought he was just pushing me away because he was going through some family issues. I tried to be supportive and let him know I was there for him, but he kept pushing. He went as far as to get my best friend to make me break up with him which I found embarrassing and humiliating. He asked for us to get back together after a few months which I agreed to. I remember one day we were supposed to meet up after school and go home together but he never pitched at the place we had agreed to meet up. Later a young lady whom I knew to be into him told me they spent the entire time he was meant to be with me together. I was crushed. When I asked him about it, he never even bothered to deny it. We eventually broke up but got back together when I was 19, and it wasn't long before he made me feel like I wasn't good enough yet again. He would talk about how he did not like how I dressed, how I should carry a handbag and the likes. There always seemed to be something about me he was not happy about. He even implied that I was not a good person and as a result, I never understood why he was with me. He broke up with me when I was four months pregnant with our first child after having stood me up on a rainy day in town. I took him back once again though, about a week later.

Today I still can't seem to get past that feeling like I am not good enough, but I am trying to heal from those wounds and remember I am worthy whether certain people see it or not.

# My second child

It all seemed to come spiralling down at an increased rate after I found out I was pregnant with my second child. I had just come back from my undergraduate practicals. I went to see Leroy for the first time after we had broken up yet again, then talked about fixing things a couple of weeks later. A weekend and two morning-after pills later, I was pregnant.

I had been planning on going to the University of Cape Town to study towards getting my BSc Honours degree the following year and I just couldn't believe the test results. I kept the pregnancy test in my bag for three days. I kept looking at it as if I would eventually see a negative result. I considered an abortion, but I knew I could never live with myself thereafter. My son was only three years old at the time and I couldn't believe how stupid I could have been. I wasn't even sure about what I had with Leroy anymore, to have a second child with him was the most imbecile thing I could do. However, I kept the baby. Leroy and I started making plans about what to do next but even then, I was miserable. I wasn't bonding with the baby; the pregnancy was completely different from my first. I sometimes wished I would just have a miscarriage, that way, I would not have to live with the guilt of terminating a life, but I knew I would not survive that either. Then the final straw came when I had to have an emergency c-section. I have never been more devasted in my life.

I constantly had low moods and felt alone and unwanted. I felt like I was not woman enough to even be able to carry and protect my daughter until she was ready to come out. I had no reason to think that way because, in reality, my daughter was ready to come out it's just that my body wasn't ready to release her. I gave birth on a Sunday, the 11th of June. Labour had started on Saturday, but the labour pains seemed inconsistent with normal true labour pains. I thought I was having Braxton Hicks. I went to sleep that night but when I woke up the next morning, the pains were still there. I did not go to the hospital immediately though. I decided I would count the intervals and when the pains were five minutes apart, I would go to the hospital. You see, I did not want to spend all day in the hospital, hospitals make me miserable. I went about my day like it was any other day. I cleaned, bathe my son, did the laundry, folded the clothes thereafter and so forth. My hospital bag had been packed and ready for weeks. Eventually, around five in the evening, I decided it is probably best I went to the hospital; the pains were still quite bearable. I walked to the hospital; I did not live too far. It was winter in South Africa; therefore, it was freezing outside. I was only due a week from then so when I got to the hospital, they made me wait in the reception area whilst they looked for my file. Sitting there seemed to aggravate my labour as it was progressing faster. After approximately an hour in the waiting area, I was eventually called into the labour ward. The midwife immediately did the usual tests; checking my dilation, blood pressure, baby's heartbeat and so forth. I knew something was wrong when the midwife inserted an IV infusion inside my vein. I never needed it for my first childbirth. Everything had happened so naturally. The midwife did not tell me anything. I was so scared, I froze in place, not wanting to move in fear that whatever was wrong, my movement would make it worse. After a few minutes, the midwife came back to check something; she still didn't say anything, but I could see something was definitely wrong. She told me to get up, she is moving me to the delivery room because I was at 6 cm dilation and would give birth soon. On my way to the delivery room, I heard a lady whom I assumed would give birth at any minute screaming at the top of her lungs. That scared me even more; I reached my own bed, IV still intact. They placed the cardiotocography machine back on my tummy to monitor the baby's heart rate. This time I looked up to check the reading and boy was her heart accelerating. I started panicking then. I heard the midwife call a doctor and explained she has tried to decelerate the baby's heartbeat with the IV infusion, but it isn't helping. By now, I was struggling to even keep my breathing controlled. I feared that my panicking would only make matters worse and I tried to breathe in and out more slowly. When my eyes darted back to the reader, the heartbeat was at 180s, I nearly died of fright. The whole entire experience was so traumatic for me. I was all alone at the hospital, and as if that was not scary enough, I had three doctors and two nurses around my bed deliberating what to do. At this point, I started praying, hard. One doctor finally spoke to me, explaining what was happening (too late) and that I would have to go to the theatre for a c-section immediately. Next thing I knew I was being bombarded with information and papers to sign. It was like I was in a trance, my whole world just stopped, and everyone just became background noise. I started signing the papers that kept coming, completely oblivious to what I was doing. The only thing I remember which stuck with me was when one of the doctors told me that if I bleed excessively, they would have to remove my womb. At the time, for me my womb was my whole womanhood, I didn't want to even imagine myself without it. If there is anything I ever wanted most in this life, was to be able to bear children, to remove my womb would be like a death sentence to me. I was crushed. Suddenly, a man came to collect my belongings, I just had enough time to tell Leroy to name my daughter Faith should anything happen to me. Meanwhile, a nurse was busy shaving my genital area, next a catheter was going in; it felt like everything was happening at the speed of light.

After signing all the papers, I was rushed through the corridors on a hospital bed like you see in movies. I couldn't even see which way we were going until we got there, and I was in the theatre. Then the preparations for the actual procedure began; by then I was feeling ice cold with fear.

The reason I had to have a c-section was because my baby's heartbeat was accelerating, and they couldn't bring it down. Left for long, this would cause enormous distress to the baby and I could possibly give birth to a stillborn. I felt that with all the time it seemed to take from when they realised the baby was under distress to when they actually did the procedure, I could have given birth naturally had they just induced me. I realise now though, that inducing me would have probably been a bad idea and would have increased the heart rate even more. Laying on that bed watching the reading on the cardiotocography machine was a nightmare on its own. The heart rate kept going up and I was too panicked to remain calm which in turn, I feared, would cause the baby even more distress, it was like there was no winning.

I had never had surgery. I did not know what to expect, but I was once again surrounded by what seemed like a gazillion health professionals. The anaesthetist was the one who seemed to pay attention to me, trying to calm me down not only by temporarily paralysing my lower body but mentally too. I appreciate how soothing she was but that did not stop me from reaching hysteria. Suddenly I was laughing uncontrollably. I did not understand it, but she seemed to. I guess she has seen a lot in her years in theatre. Then I started feeling extremely cold, I couldn't bear it. I remember being covered with a blanket right before they started the procedure. I could feel everything, from the scalp cutting me open to them seemingly pushing things inside of me back into place after pulling my little Faith out; it was disturbing.

After I was released from the hospital, I could not even look at my scar. I was in so much emotional pain. When the time to remove the dressing came, I had Leroy do it because I couldn't bear to look at it. I was officially suffering from PTSD and I felt like Leroy wasn't as supportive and as helpful as he should have been. I never had a limit for the number of children I would have, but at that time, I could not imagine myself having more. I was thoroughly scared of ever falling pregnant again; the thought of it left me in panic. It was weeks before I could look at it at all and months before I could look at it without crying. I felt so alone during that time. Today, I love that scar so much; to me, it is now a symbol of my love for my little Faith, it is a reminder of my miracle baby, my fighter. And today, I can imagine myself having another baby.

# The University of Cape Town

I used to be one of the top achievers academically my entire life until I got to the University of Cape Town for my honours. At UCT, I was one of the bottom two. That to me confirmed what I already believed which was I am not good enough. I felt like I did not belong there. I could not even make friends and I was heavily pregnant. I felt stupid for being pregnant yet again when I could barely afford the first child and the pregnancy restricted me.

# In Summary

All but one of my life-defining events have led me to feel like I am not good enough one way or another. For a long time, I unconsciously did not believe I was good enough for anything; I was highly insecure. I also feel the need to protect my mother, it is one of my driving forces. I avoid conflict even if that is not good for me. I strive to make other people comfortable, completely disregarding myself.

# My examination

  * Leroy and my mom were hurting and their treatment of me had nothing to do with me but everything to do with their own issues.

  * Being replaced on the netball team was for my own protection by God from the car accident.

  * My mental illness was for me to go on the journey of discovering my authentic self.

  * I do not need my father, he will get what's coming to him.

My boyfriend's family except for his father doesn't like me. This hit me hard when I came to realise it. At first. I thought that the reason I could not accept it and get over the way the mother once treated me, the way they treated my boyfriend and their hatred was because they were my boyfriend's family and they were important to him therefore to me. I wanted us to be one big happy family. I realise now, in light of these exercises of self-discovery that the issue may be hurting me mostly because I have always felt unwanted and unloved and their hatred of me just fed into that belief. I also realise now writing this that it is probably why I always took pride in the idea that the majority of my exes wanted me back at some point and that in some cases I started off as a side chick but ended up as the main lady. It was also the initial reason I got back together with Leroy- I wanted to prove a point to him. I wanted to prove that he had missed out on the best thing that could ever happen to him.

3

THE DEFINING CHOICES

In my life, I have made both some good and some poor life choices which have changed the course of my life. What follows is an account of some of the choices that I made which changed my life dramatically and my reasons for making such choices.

  * Not using a condom on either of the times I fell pregnant. This resulted in a life of financial struggle with my kids; living from salary to salary. I cannot tell you why I made this choice because I do not know. I was new in the world of heterosexual intercourse and I never put much thought into the consequences.

  * Taking out loans, as a result, I am now in debt. From being not able to afford the things that I needed and wanted, I ended up taking out credit and now I am in debt. The reason I took out the credit was because I needed the appliances and clothes. The first time I took out credit I was just starting to be independent and I needed appliances for my place. Maybe I could have lay-bought some of the stuff, but I was quite desperate for some. One of the loans I took out was not really necessary, I just hated the fact that I was working but didn't seem to have anything to show for it, so I borrowed the money to buy a plot. That would have been fine if I did not then quit my job soon after because I was unhappy and felt like I would remain unhappy because I was not cut out for the kind of work we did.

  * I did not apply to various universities during my grade 12 year, as a result, I ended up going to UNISA and back home with my mom. My studies got delayed and I did not finish a 3-year degree in three years. The delay was due to me starting school in the second semester and my falling pregnant which resulted in me having to put off doing my laboratory practicals. The reason I did not apply to various universities is that I did not think I was good enough to apply to certain universities and I was undecided about what to do about that. Probably the strongest reason I did not apply, I was in love and in a toxic relationship and I did not want to leave Pretoria/my girlfriend. I never really gave much thought to the consequences of not applying.

  * One of the best decisions I have ever made was listening to Leroy when he said I should apply to study towards my honour's degree at the University of Cape Town. Now I have a qualification from the best university in Africa. I have grown as a person, the move to Cape Town was good for our family. Leroy was able to find a better paying job and will be able to find relevant work here too after completion of his LLB. I listened to him because I trust him, and it would not hurt to apply.

Ultimately these decisions have led me to be in debt, a struggling mother of two but a brilliant student with hope, faith and a future ahead of me. I also have a wonderful partner and father to our kids. I may not be where I thought I would be by now and I may be struggling but I am hopeful and optimistic about the future; scared but optimistic.

4

THE SIX PIVOTAL PEOPLE

#

#

# Mother

My mother made me feel like she doesn't care about me or want me as a daughter. I felt alone but that made me a strong self-reliant woman. I also admire her for getting through an abusive relationship and 'raising' three kids as a single mother.

# Father

His actions towards my mother led to a series of events which altered the way I saw things. He has contributed to my ultimately feeling alone and unwanted/uncared for and general dislike of men and my inability to deal with conflict.

# Leroy

He has played both a negative and positive role. He contributed towards my insecurities, but he has also since held me up and helped me grow and has been my anchor.

# Junior

He made me live my worst fear and left me feeling filthy and disgusted. His actions led to my general fear and distrust of men.

# Nicky: ex-girlfriend

Because of the relationship I had with her, I have made some stupid decisions, but I have also felt excitement, alive, a certain kind of high that felt absolutely wonderful at the time. I knew the relationship was bad for me, but I couldn't remove myself from it, it was like my own personal drug. The high I felt when I was with that girl was the most exhilarating thing. She made me feel alive. I tried leaving her, twice, but it drove me nuts both times and each time I went right back to her and the high would begin again. I remember someone once asked me what I see in her, what I loved so much about her. That was the first time I took a moment to actually think about it and the answer I came up with was that I didn't know but being with her was the best feeling in the world. I was so consumed by her and the feelings she came with that I spent the whole day before my chemistry final in grade 12 with her instead of studying and I couldn't have cared less about the consequences that would be a result of my actions. Even worse, I never bothered applying for university because I did not want to leave Pretoria where we both lived.

The day I first self-harmed was the day I realised I had issues that needed dealing with. You see, the messiness of the relationship, my inability to leave her reminded me of my parents. It reminded me of how my abusive father almost killed my mother some years back. My mother stayed in that abusive relationship for years, beating after beating; it took something as drastic as her facing death to walk away. And here I was, in a toxic relationship too, which I couldn't seem to let go of. Trying to let go brought me so much pain that cutting myself felt better. That night, I don't know if I was cutting myself for my mother, myself or for the both of us but when I was done, I went right back to my drug.

# Renee

We met in 2010 through a mutual friend. What brought us closer was our mutual interest in the same sex, but our relationship has since grown to be bigger than that. She is my best friend, my sister from another mother. She is my sounding board. She has always made me look at things from a different perspective, helped me make informed decisions and encouraged me to be a better person. She is my anchor. She never tells me want I want to hear or blindly support me into stupidity.

5

LESSONS LEARNT

# Spreading love

I have always felt misunderstood, alone and unsafe. It could be my nature, I would like to believe it is, but some may say it is because I felt alone that I never wanted anyone to feel alone. I have always been a nurturer, for as long as I can remember. I have a tendency of making people's problems my own, feeling deeply so much that a situation starts to feel like it is my own. This always made me wonder how psychologists could listen to so many people's problems and not feel burdened. I was lucky enough to chat to two psychologists about it and they both said that the trick is to remain detached. That's another thing about me, I tend to get too attached.

For a long time, I took care of other people, invested myself in their issues, made myself available 24/7. The thing is, at the time, it made me feel good, it still does. I love being able to help people. Seeing happy people makes me happy. What I did not realise though, was that no one was ever truly there for me. I concealed my pain, kept myself occupied with other people's pain and when I realised this, I became selfish with myself towards the wrong person.

From the early days of our relationship, my boyfriend made it clear to me that we needed to be able to rely on one another. He would say things like "if I can't ask him for help when I needed it, how was he ever going to be able to ask me for help when he needed it." From this alone, you can tell that this person thought differently. He recognised the importance of interdependency but I, at the time, was hung up on being an independent woman. My boyfriend tried, by all means, to break down the walls I had built to protect myself and he eventually succeeded. That should have been a good thing, but he released a monster. I was so demanding of his attention I wanted his whole entire life to be centred around me. I felt like I had been deprived of support, love and care for so long that I deserved it. He kept giving and I kept taking without ever giving back. Don't get me wrong, there were times when I was there for him, or at least I think I was, but it wasn't balanced. I think I was only ever there for him when it was convenient for me. It was always me first then everything else could follow when I was satisfied, but I do not think I ever really was.

My boyfriend also felt like I was giving too much of myself to people. He would say: "that part of yourself should be reserved for me." As he got to know me better, he learnt that I liked helping people, but he was concerned that it had a negative effect on me. He couldn't understand why I did not just stop. I eventually also got to a point when I thought maybe it really is time I learnt not to stretch myself for other people and I tried. It proved to be extremely difficult, I would feel guilty and uncomfortable. They say that when you stop being uncomfortable, you stop learning. From that statement, I guess it would mean that I was uncomfortable because I was learning but I realised that you also get uncomfortable when you try to be something you are not.

I am not sure how to be myself, a nurturer, without carrying all the negativity of the world on my shoulders but I am a work in progress. It is said in the Bhagavad Gita that detachment is not that you own nothing, but that nothing owns you. For me, this statement can be applied to anything – possessions, relationships, life. In this particular context though, it means that I can be of help to people, but my life should not be defined by people needing me. It means that I should not put my life on hold to focus on one particular problem so much that without that problem, I am nothing.

The statement 'you cannot pour from an empty glass' is so true. I think a lot of us have heard or read it, but many may not understand what it truly means. I think though, that the reason being empathetic to people had a negative effect on me was because I was trying to drain out a cup that was already empty. I needed to take care of myself and love me, but I did not know what that looked like. What I have learnt recently though is that singleness is important. When I say singleness, I am not only referring to being single, i.e. not in a relationship, this also applies to people in relationships. I learnt this from Pastor Michael Todd who said, "take yourself out on a date." When last did you take yourself out on a date, when last did you do something you love that would fulfil you, when last did you try something new? Maybe it is something you have always wanted to try but other things seemed to always get in the way. Taking time for oneself is crucial. If one is honest with themselves, they can learn a lot about themselves during that time. I believe self-discovery and understanding leads to self-acceptance and self-love and when you are filled with love, you will be able to love another person. When you have accepted who you are, no person can use your flaws against you and when you are self-aware, you can begin to take steps towards becoming a better version of yourself and to me, that is the meaning of not pouring from an empty cup.

If you have no knowledge of who you are, other people will create that identity for you, or you will go around hurting people without even realising it. Self-acceptance may mean that other people can't use your flaws against you but being self-aware also means you do not allow your flaws to hurt others. It is important to also remember that not a single human being is perfect, and you will stumble and fall, get up, forgive yourself and keep walking.

# Love yourself, believe in yourself, you are enough

I have mentioned how I used to feel like I was not good enough for my boyfriend due to the comments that he used to make, his desire to change me and my already existing insecurities about feeling unwanted. I did not realise it at the time, but I fell into a pattern of constantly seeking his validation. I wanted him to see me as a perfect being and every time we would have an argument and he would highlight my flaws, it felt like a punch in the stomach and I would get even more insecure. The insecurity placed me in defence mode so much that even when he wasn't really attacking me, I always felt the need to defend myself. I would not listen when he tried to reason with me and saw it as if he was yet again highlighting how unhappy I was making him. The thing is he always talked about the negative stuff but never talked about the positive things about me, so I felt like he was unhappy. The more I tried to be what he wanted, the more miserable I got because I kept falling short. I did not understand why he was still with me when he clearly did not like me. I started believing that I, alone, was the reason the relationship was failing. To me, he could not do any wrong and I kept trying and trying to be the woman he wanted but it was like the more I tried, the less capable I seemed to be. After 5 years with him, I eventually realised that he had his own flaws and our ups and downs were not my fault alone. I started standing up for myself and putting my foot down, but I was still needy, still ached for his validation. I was 'nothing' without him. I wanted him to validate me as a mother, girlfriend, daughter, sister and just generally a good person. He used to make me feel like I wasn't a good person. Please keep in mind that at the time, I did not realise any of this. This is something I uncovered during my healing period after my diagnosis with major depressive disorder.

I have now learnt that my worth is not dependent on him. I would still appreciate his affirmation as my partner, but I have learnt to love myself because that is where it starts. You need to be aware of who you are, accept who you are and love who you are. I accepted that I will always fall short of his expectations and that instead of me trying hard to meet them, he ought to accept me as I am and if that is not enough for him, that is a reflection of who he is and not who I am. He needed to accept my perfect imperfections or go find someone who would meet the expectations he simply could not do without. I am not saying one should not compromise or change, but one should make the necessary changes that will make them the best version of themselves not who someone else thinks they should be.

# On self-awareness, acceptance & love

Until you make peace with who you are,

You'll never be content with what you have

-Doris Mortman

To be self-aware is to be cognizant of who you are, how you feel about things, why you feel that way, why you react in certain ways to certain situations; it is about taking time to look at the world within. You need to be honest with yourself when you are taking time to reflect. A couple of the ways I found you can increase self-awareness is by meditating or writing in a quiet space alone. You can write about your day, taking time to analyse it consciously, your reactions and emotions that were stirred up by and in certain settings. If you do not want to write, I think just being on your own in a peaceful environment and take time to reflect is enough. Meditation can also help you to decrease stress and control anxiety.

Once you are clear on who you are and what you stand for, you need to accept you, accept both the positive and negative. With the negative, however, I am by no means saying go around spreading negativity, but rather being aware of your flaws should allow you to be able to gain proper control over them. Once you accept who you are you can then begin to love and care for yourself. Dr Deborah Khoshaba in Psychology Today, article titled 'A Seven-Step Prescription for Self-Love' gives a list of ways we can love ourselves:

  * Become mindful

  * Act on what you need rather than what you want

  * Practice good self-care

  * Set boundaries

  * Protect yourself

  * Forgive yourself

  * Live intentionally

All the above are actions. You cannot just believe in your head that you love yourself; love is better displayed by action. I will briefly explain what each of the above means or give an example. Being mindful is being aware, aware of your feelings and why you feel a certain way. What you need is essential for your survival over what you want which is just a luxury. Focus on what you need for your well-being and in order for you to know what you need for your well-being, you need to be self-aware. Practising good self-care may mean different things for different people. A more general self-care action would be allowing yourself to rest. Working hard towards your goals is important but you need to give yourself a chance to breathe, this way, your creative juices can also be rejuvenated, and you will be more productive. Setting boundaries is quite self-explanatory. When you are self-aware, you know your limits and sometimes you do not want to over-do things. Protect yourself; do not allow people who will only drain your energy in your life, surround yourself with positive energy, positive influences, love and care. Forgive yourself; you will make mistakes, learn from them, forgive yourself and move on. Live intentionally; have purpose, grow towards something worthwhile.

# You can only control your actions

My complete diagnosis was major depressive disorder with anxiety. In learning to control my anxiety, I had to learn that I can only control what I do, and I have no control over what others do and say. I also had to learn to let go and trust other people to help me. This is something I am still battling with. I would rather do everything, no matter how much, myself, because I believe that if you want something done well then do it yourself; but the thing is, you can always train someone to do something as well as you. I would want Leroy to clean the house but when he cleaned, I would be dissatisfied; so, whether he cleaned or not, I remained unhappy about it. I would push myself to do everything, even at nine months pregnant, because I could not bear to stay in an untidy house with dirty clothes and so forth. I would push myself even when I had very little energy left. I remember after my c-section, I would still busy myself with house chores when I could barely stand up straight. This is an example of not taking care of myself, of not loving myself enough. I also had to accept that I had control over what I do but I have no control over what Leroy does; it was either I remove myself from the situation (in our relationship) or change the way I see it for me to be able to live with it. Jack Canfield said "You only have control over three things in your life – the thoughts you think, the images you visualise, and the actions you take (your behaviour). How you use these three things determines everything you experience. If you do not like what you are producing and experiencing, you have to change your response."

# Dealing with anxiety

If like me, you live in your head, then let me share with you how I manage to cope. It's a process I have not yet perfected and the way I deal with it is largely through prevention. Anxiety can be paralysing, disrupting your whole life, which is why it needs to be dealt with.

This is what the National Institute of Mental Health says about Generalised Anxiety Disorder:

People with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) display excessive anxiety or worry, most days for at least 6 months, about a number of things such as personal health, work, social interactions, and everyday routine life circumstances. The fear and anxiety can cause significant problems in areas of their life, such as social interactions, school, and work.

Generalized anxiety disorder symptoms include:

  * Feeling restless, wound-up, or on-edge

  * Being easily fatigued

  * Having difficulty concentrating; mind going blank

  * Being irritable

  * Having muscle tension

  * Difficulty controlling feelings of worry

  * Having sleep problems, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, restlessness, or unsatisfying sleep

Other forms of anxiety include panic disorder and various kinds of phobias such as social anxiety disorder.

Sometimes it feels like I get anxious over everything and anything. If I receive an instruction to do an assignment for example, even if the assignment I due in a month's time, I will not be able to relax for another day until I get started working on it. When I have started, I will not be able to relax until it is complete. The worst part is when I have been doing it for over a week then I become desperate to finish it. I will not eat or sleep trying to finish it because I easily get tired of doing the same thing, it makes me even more anxious. The anxiety doesn't stop when I have finished, no. I will be too worried that I did not put enough effort into it in my panicking attempt to finish it. Mind you, I probably still have two and a half weeks until the due date. I will eventually find the strength to submit it way ahead of the due date. This will lead me to check numerous times whether I really did submit it, and nothing went wrong as I was submitting. I still won't relax up until I receive the results.

My anxiety has also affected my relationship with my boyfriend. If I have something I want to discuss with him, I will have a full conversation with him in my head first, where I also imagine his responses. This normally takes the negative route and I will become angry with him as if this conversation has already happened. I will then be rude to him the entire time until I decide to finally bring up whatever I want to discuss. When I eventually get around talking to him, even if I planned to be civil with him, I will start off on a bad note because I have already managed to make myself angry and that ultimately affects our communication. This was aggravated by the fact that I kept falling short in meeting his expectations so much that I would be scared of bringing up issues. This led to a bad cycle of fights which to me ultimately confirmed I wasn't good enough for him.

I think though, that my anxiety reaches its worst when I have to stand in front of a crowd to speak no matter how big or small the crowd is. I used to hate orals/presentations in high school. I would even refuse to do an oral sometimes and settle for no marks. In University, I would get an upset stomach and a high temperature, and I would not stop trembling even after the presentation. It would take a while for me to calm down and I would then beat myself up for not doing well.

## How to deal with the anxiety

I will share what experts say but first I want to share what has been working for me to some degree that you could try. If you have an important assignment or presentations, whether it's for work or school, the best thing you can do for yourself is preparing well. When you prepare well it boosts your confidence and when you are confident, your anxiety may be lessened since anxiety is characterised by the fear of failure. In addition to preparing well, on the day, you ought to wake up early so that you do not find yourself rushing to get things done. You need to remain as calm as possible, preventing panic. Try meditating or doing breathing exercises. You can easily find guided meditation videos on YouTube. I recommend that you meditate regularly and not just on an important day. It may take some time getting used to and starting with guided meditation helps. It helps you focus on the voice guiding you rather than have your thoughts wandering around.

I found that, like a lot of people, keeping a journal also helps. Writing honestly about what is going on in your head, how you feel and why you feel that way will help you identify whether how you are feeling is realistic or not. Maybe the chances of something happening are so low that they are negligible, so much so that your fear is somewhat unfounded. Also, once you get something out of your chest, you may feel better. Which in turn, will allow you to see things more clearly.

I also journal when I have something bothering me that I want to discuss with my boyfriend or alternatively, I talk to him immediately to keep myself from coming up with possible stupid response he could give me even if that means sending him a voice note on WhatsApp. Obviously, I want to think things through and not just blurt anything out, therefore, I take my time in articulating my words and choosing them wisely. It helps that he is patient, understanding and knows me well.

It also helps to find your element. In what environment do you operate your best? Do you prefer a quiet space or some background noise? Do you like a crowd or do you prefer more intimate settings? Do you work better under pressure or do you prefer to prepare ahead of time? I personally think it is better to be always prepared for everyone. You may work well under pressure, but in some circumstances, you may get caught out or miss out on opportunities. You won't always be able to get the optimum conditions for your personality, so you need to also find what will work for you in different situations. I know, for example, during a presentation, some people say imagine the crowd is naked. That does not work for me. What does work though is finding that one person who seems really interested (usually they nod as I'm speaking) and just basically conduct the presentation like I am talking to them. This works for me because I prefer one on one conversations over being with a group of people. Of course, you may need to look around the room just to maintain some level of eye contact with the rest of your audience but revert to that person for affirmation.

Work on your self-esteem. Try as much as possible to use your strengths but also learn what your weaknesses are and figure out how you can turn them into a strength or make them irrelevant by enhancing your strengths. A good self-esteem, I find, leads to reduced anxiety because you believe in yourself and your abilities more.

I also find that, if I keep my mind off what is worrying me by doing something else that I like helps. For example, if I am riding in a car, I may read or listen to a podcast. If I am at home, I may focus my energy on cleaning, into making my apartment look great - something that I know I will be very pleased with after, improving my state of mind.

## What experts suggest

This is what an article in Psychology Today titled 'Anxiety' suggests:

Lifestyle changes can help people who experience feelings of anxiety but who don't meet the clinical threshold for a diagnosis. Habits such as exercising, sleeping well, and limiting the amount of caffeine and alcohol consumed can all be helpful.

Increasingly, researchers are finding that mindfulness meditation is a successful technique as well. Taking deep breaths, observing one's thought without judgment, and acknowledging the limits of one's control can reduce feelings of tension.

Identifying the circumstances that trigger one's anxiety, and then pushing back against anxious or irrational thoughts, can help to feel better prepared for the future.

# Interdependence

Interdependence means depending on one another. In our society today, women are being taught to be independent but who is teaching us to be interdependent after learning how to be independent because it does not end there. I used to pride myself of my independence. I would never dare ask Leroy for money, I barely asked him for any kind of help and when I did, I hated it, but he taught me interdependence is essential in any relationship. The couple or group is stronger together than they are as individuals. Therefore, interdependence is essential for everyone because whether we know each other or not, we are all related to each other one way or the other as inhabitants of this earth. Stephen R. Covey says that effective interdependence can only be built on a foundation of true independence (work first on yourself). He says you cannot be successful with other people if you have not paid the price of success yourself. Interdependence according to Stephen (and I agree with this) constitutes synergising and seeking first to understand then to be understood. These two habits which he talks about in his book 'the 7 habits of highly effective people' build a relationship. Working together with your partner to find a way forward (synergising) requires you to remember that you are on the same side and moving towards a common goal which is a successful relationship. If there is anything that has helped me steer off unnecessary fights with Leroy, is remembering that he loves me, I cannot control him and that we are on the same side. This way of thinking allows me to be able to listen to his point of view with the aim to understand(not to reply in an attempt to control) where he is coming from, then I let him know what I think(...then to be understood), then ultimately, we put our heads together to find a way forward (synergise).

Do not mistake codependence for interdependence. Codependency is not ideal. It is characterised by excessive dependence on someone to meet your emotional and mental needs. Signs that you are in a codependent relationship as listed on an article in Medical News Today by Jennifer Berry titled 'What's to know about codependent relationships?' are given below.

  * Find no satisfaction or happiness in life outside of doing things for the other person.

  * Stay in the relationship even if they are aware that their partner does hurtful things.

  * Do anything to please and satisfy their enabler no matter what the expense to themselves.

  * Feel constant anxiety about their relationship due to their desire to always be making the other person happy.

  * Use all their time and energy to give their partner everything they ask for.

  * Feel guilty about thinking of themselves in the relationship and will not express any personal needs or desires.

  * Ignore their own morals or conscience to do what the other person wants.

# Highly Sensitive Person

Leroy always used to say I am too sensitive. He would complain that he cannot even joke with me without me taking offence. I would like to believe that I was easily offended by him because I always wanted to be perfect for him and to be seen as a joke was too much for me to handle at the time. Nonetheless, I would always cry even when we were just talking about our differences and even if we were arguing and I was in the wrong, he would end up having to comfort me. Listening to his complaints about my being 'over-emotional' I started to see it as a bad thing, and I hated that about myself; I could not understand what was wrong with me. I used to notice even the most subtle of changes in facial expression or tone which would lead me to see something else that a person had not intended me to see or was even aware that they felt that way. Thank God for Dr Elaine Aaron I now know there is nothing wrong with me and I have accepted my sensitivity as a gift. Dr Elaine published a book titled 'The highly sensitive person' which is about people like me, understanding our traits and learning to live with them. According to her, about 20% of the world's population is comprised of the highly sensitive. We feel things on a deeper level and notice subtle things that non-sensitives don't usually pick up on and we are easily aroused. I am a person who cannot do more than one thing a day. If I dedicate my day to studying, that's all I can do that day. If I will meet up with a friend, that's the only appointment I can have for that day and Dr Elaine talks about this. It is okay for you to retreat from the world because you are getting overwhelmed. Alone time is essential to unwind and reflect. For me, I feel drained by simply going out to the mall, it's like I absorb every person's negative energies and they weigh me down. So, for me, downtime is a means of survival. It makes me a much calmer person and a nice person to be around. I become less irritant and more tolerant which is good for any relationship. You can't always be angry and fighting over every mistake a person you are in relations with makes, sometimes you can just talk things out without anyone getting angry or hurt. That, however, can only happen if you are in the right frame of mind. I have accepted that I am a sensitive person and I am learning what I need to do to decrease my over-arousal in order for everyone, myself included to be happy.

Take time to figure yourself out and what you need to keep you sane. Do not be afraid to ask for it or to do it for yourself, it is as much for you as it is for the world. A lot of people are miserable and spreading that misery because they aren't doing what they need to be doing for themselves to remain sane. Love yourself enough to care for yourself.

# Relationship matters: expectations

Unless you are in an abusive relationship, I do not think there is a bad boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. People get into a relationship with an idea of the kind of person they want along with expectations of how their partner should be to qualify them as that person. It is those expectations along with differences in perception that leads to arguments and disagreements. It is those expectations that lead to feeling dissatisfied and unhappy with and in the relationship. For the longest time, I strove to be the kind of woman my boyfriend wanted, and I always seemed to fall short. That would lead me to feel depressed and like I wasn't good enough. Every time he highlighted something he didn't particularly like about me, I would feel crushed because I wanted to be the perfect woman for him. This train of thought led to me feeling insecure because I am not his ideal woman. After seven years in a relationship with him, I realised that I had to love and accept who I was and recognise that I am enough. I had to realise that I may not be enough for him, but I am enough for myself and would be enough for someone else. I decided then that if he had an expectation that I could not meet, that was on him and not me. It was up to him to find the kind of woman he needs and not up to me to be 100% everything he wants if it is not who I am.

Sure, there are sacrifices that you may make wholeheartedly if you are committed to the relationship but whatever you do should not take away from your own happiness. The two of you should be better together as a couple than each one of you as an individual. If your relationship has you feeling unworthy or unhappy, then it is either not the right one for you or you are not staying true to yourself which means that relationship is taking away from you instead of building you up. The aim should be to grow as a person, always.

There are, of course, general things which can lead to a successful relationship but how you employ them is up to you and your partner, therefore the expectations in relation to them are up to you and your partner. These include:

Communication \- remember that even with good communication and understanding, you may still disagree on some things and that's okay. You are two different individuals; therefore, you will not always see things the same way. What is important is that you hear each other out. In some cases, you may agree to disagree but on matters that can influence your lives, you may need to synergise and find common ground.

Trust \- this must be earned. You can't keep going back on your word or say one thing and do another and expect your partner to keep trusting you, it doesn't work that way.

Commitment \- Having one foot out the door may lead to you not giving the relationship all the effort you would otherwise give. You should not always be ready to leave at the sight of trouble when things can be worked out.

Respect \- How you treat your partner is directly proportional to how much you respect them. The more respect you have for them, the better the treatment.

Like may have brought you together but it takes more than that to sustain a relationship. You must choose to love your partner every day, even on days when you are angry at him/her. Love is more than a feeling. it is a decision and an act. Although it is heartwarming to hear a person say "I love you" it is even better to see and feel the act of love. I like what Humble the Poet once said, "Actions scream, words whisper."

# He won't know unless you tell him

Unless you are in a relationship with a mind reader, you have to use our words verbally. For a long time, I had expectations of Leroy that I never shared with him but got angry or hurt when he didn't do as I expected him to. I would be exhausted (even heavily pregnant), but still clean the flat whilst secretly angry at Leroy for not doing so and yet I am the same person who would not be satisfied when he did the cleaning. There are so many other things I would like from him which I felt he should automatically know as my boyfriend which was not fair of me. For example, when he didn't offer to clean alone or help me clean, I would interpret it as though he didn't care about me. I felt this way because I believed as my boyfriend, he should care enough about me to want to give me a break. Often times, I did the cleaning whilst he slept because I woke up earlier than him, and I couldn't just wake up and chill. So, you see, he did not clean because he was actually still asleep, and it had nothing to do with how much he loved or cared about me. Also, he is generally just not as neat as I and the place has to really look a mess before he takes action.

No two individuals think absolutely the same, and no matter how long you have been with someone, they will never know everything you want or what you are thinking at any given time without you sharing it with them. This is part of the communication aspect of the relationship. You have to communicate clearly what you want or need, with respect for the other person. You also need to be considerate in your expectations. How will getting what you want affect your partner; is it necessary or can you do without it? How does it benefit the relationship? If your partner cannot do it or give it to you, how will you feel? Will it affect your relationship? You can't just always want things to go your way without considering how it will affect your partner and your relationship.

Sometimes how a person behaves has nothing to do with you. Your partner may not even be aware that he is hurting you, so, again, you need to tell him. When you talk to him, try not to attack him because, as I said, he may not be hurting you intentionally and starting a fight won't really benefit anyone. If anything, it may end up resulting in you not even getting an apology. If your approach is less than ideal, you guys may end up focusing on how badly you started the conversation, how disrespectful or negative it was, so much that you do not focus on the issue you wanted to discuss. This, in turn, results in the issue not being solved and history repeating itself, which serves no one.

Communication is a very critical component in a relationship because you are dealing with two different individuals, who think and function differently. I say you are dealing with two individuals because you are dealing with yourself and your partner. Ensure that you communicate well enough to be heard and understood. Good communication is a skill that can be learnt and improved. Ensure that when you start a serious conversation, the energy in the room is such that the message can be received well. It is better to communicate when both parties are calm and clear-headed. This way, the message will be received well and dissected accordingly. Effective communication is complex but achievable. Speak your mind and let it be known what you need in a relationship so that, on the positive side of the spectrum, your partner gives it to you. Remember, he won't know unless you tell him.

# Forgiveness

Victim turned perpetrator

Why do I hate me?

You ripped me apart

Then I wanted to rip me apart

Knees to chest

It wasn't you

No, you weren't dirty

I was

Dirt that could not

Be removed by water

Fire maybe?

Or would acid do?

Then came fear

How could I believe

Believe anyone with your instruments

How could I be free

When our lungs

Are filled with the same air?

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

  * Lewis B. Smedes

Forgiveness is essential for your peace of mind. I used to hold grudges and put conditions on my forgiveness. I would not forgive someone unless they asked for my forgiveness and admitted that they were wrong. I have since learnt that that did not serve me. I was bitter, angry and stuck in the past. There are five pivotal people for whom I had to begin the journey of forgiving. I say a journey because it did not happen overnight. I had to realise how what they did made me feel, why it made me feel that way, then learn to let go and forgive. I had to forgive because the anger was like poison to me; spreading and destroying other aspects of my life.

Dr Rubin Khoddom in a Psychology Today article titled 'The Psychology of Forgiveness' says, "Forgiveness is not saying you accept the person who wronged you. Instead, forgiveness is choosing to accept what happened as it happened rather than what could or should have happened." I particularly like it when he goes on to say, "Forgiveness can mean you love from a distance." You do not have to maintain a relationship with your perpetrator other than the fact that you are both humans. You can forgive someone and still stay away from them.

Forgiveness doesn't invalidate the hurt you have endured, but it does release it and allow you to move on. Living in the past does not serve anyone in any good way. That is why you should let go of what could have or should have been and accept what is. If I had not forgiven my parents for the terrible and traumatic childhood I had, I would still be carrying around the anger, giving power to the deeds that hurt me. when you give power to the deeds, you continue to hurt or stay angry. Anger is not a pleasant emotion. Decisions made out of anger are rarely good decisions. Studies have shown that anger can also lead to bad health. Do you really want to grow ill over something someone did to you rather than move and grow past it to reserve your well-being?

Forgiving my parents was fairly easy due to the unconditional love they come with. I experienced the most difficulty when it came to forgiving Leroy's mother and my sexual assault perpetrator. In relation to the sexual assault, I had to accept that I was disrespected and violate and that my violator was sick and needed help. It took years, but I finally let go of the status of being a sexual assault victim and started seeing myself as a survivor. I decided I will not be defined by my perpetrator's poor decision but will grow above the anger and disgust that I felt. Before that, there were times when I could not have sex with Leroy or would not enjoy it because I would envision the assault. I wanted to break free of that hold on me because Leroy and I deserve so much more and that started with forgiveness.

For privacy purposes, I will not reveal what Leroy's mother did, but it is something common from mothers-in-law. I was hurt and confused by her actions, it just did not make sense to me. The more I tried to make sense of it, the more I got angry. I was angry but at the same time desperately wanted to fix things, but I needed her to admit the wrong she had done first and apologise. When I realised I would never get an apology from her, I became even more angry. I felt like she did not deserve my forgiveness and was I entitled to feeling angry. The anger consumed me. Every time Leroy mentioned her, I would feel disgusted and did not want to have any conversation that included her but I love and care about Leroy so I would sit and endure it as well as I could. I realised that the anger was taking up too much of my energy and was keeping me from being angry. I thought about my relationship with her or the lack of quite a lot. It would keep me up at night, I had nightmares about it. With all that anger I still felt bad for Leroy. Here was a guy who was very family-oriented and the women in his life could not get along. I tried to be okay with the situation and be the bigger person but for years it continued to consume me until I started therapy. I wanted to be free of the hurt and the anger, so I chose to forgive. I chose to accept that I would never get an apology from her and that was ok. I had to realise that what she did was a reflection of who she is and not who I am. I understood she was hurting hence she wanted to hurt me. It is said hurt people hurt people.

I also had to forgive Leroy. I did not realise that I had not forgiven him and every time he did something that hurt me, it would just add to the pile of anger I was storing up for him. Even when he was just sharing how he feels about something related to me, I would feel attacked. I kept expecting the worst from him and constantly fighting with him. I was constantly in defence mode from the one person I ought to feel completely safe with. When I started my journey of healing I realised that I was angry at him for everything he had ever done that hurt me. I had to let go and truly forgive him. I did this by remembering the good that he has done. I had to look at him with a different set of eyes. Eyes that saw the good in him, eyes that saw past his mistakes and our misunderstandings. I had to realise that he loves me, and he never intends to hurt me even if he sometimes does. I had to realise that he too, was a work in progress. He had his own share of baggage that I would have to help him carry and that sometimes when it is too heavy for him, he will dump it all on me. In those times, I have to be strong for both of us.

I would also like to point out for those who like revenge that you do not have to avenge yourself. Karma is a real thing and a person will always get what's coming to them. Forgive and mind your own business.

6

BE HAPPY

As humans, we have the gift and power of choice. Too often people blame others for things not going well in their lives. Though people or external factors may have an influence in your life, ultimately how you handle and react towards those external factors is solely your choice to make. In South Africa, we are still suffering from the effects of the apartheid system but what I have come to realise is that black people are now using that as an excuse. They are using it as an excuse for the collection of their bad decisions or laziness. Whilst it is true that black people start life off at a disadvantage than most white people, there are opportunities offered to us that my fellow brothers and sisters refuse to take advantage of. It is easier for people to blame and complain than to put in the necessary work to improve one's situation.

Just sitting and complaining all day will not get you anywhere. I strongly advise that people spend limited time if any with a person who always finds something to complain about. We need to learn to be proactive so that we may recognise opportunities to better ourselves. The opportunities are always there, one just needs to recognise and be prepared for them.

With all the trauma I have been through. I could have decided to remain a victim, blaming everybody else for my failures, but I decided to rise above it and work towards becoming the best version of myself.

No one is going to make you great but yourself. No one is going to save you but yourself. People can and may aid you to greatness but the decision to be great lies with you. Do not allow what happened to you in the past to define you; grow to be bigger than that, learn from it but move on. Too often we dwell on the past, reliving the same day a million times, meanwhile, life is passing you by because time waits for no man. Too many of us are stuck in the past in our head. We live in our memories instead of them just being that - memories. I believe memories are a part of being human to help us to learn and remember what we have learnt so we may grow. Memories are not to relive what has happened whilst remaining stagnant. Your number of years alive may get bigger, but if you are doing today the same thing you were doing last year, thinking the same thoughts, operating exactly the same way, you have not grown.

Your happiness is your responsibility and people cannot do to you what you do not allow them to do. If you are in a romantic relationship and your partner is not treating you as you would like to be treated, do not say it is their fault that you are unhappy. You are the one that chooses to stay in that relationship. You are unhappy because you are allowing yourself to stay in that relationship; essentially, you are making you unhappy. This can apply to any kind of relationship, from friendship to colleagues/boss at work. People need to stop feeling entitled and start putting in the necessary effort towards creating their best life. I know it is easier said than done, but it can be done nonetheless.

# Happiness is not out there

True, lasting happiness is not in a million dollars earned. It is not in a new car bought or in a boyfriend/girlfriend. True happiness is in you being okay with you. The money may buy you luxurious things; the car may make travelling easy and the person you are in a romantic relationship with may make you laugh but you won't be happy until you love you and are grateful for what you have. If you keep looking for the next thing to be happy, you will find that you are chasing unattainable happiness. I will be happy when I finish school. I will be happy when I get a job. I will be happy when I earn more money. I will be happy once I buy a house. You will keep chasing happiness that seems to be always ahead of you. It will be like sprinting with Bolt. It is human nature to want more but if you want to be happy, start being grateful. Be grateful for the job you have now whilst looking for something better. Be grateful for the roof you have over your head whilst you work hard to afford a better one. Be grateful! Stop comparing yourself to others. Define your own success. Your journeys are different; your purpose in life is different, your lives are different. Someone out there will always have something you don't have, but guess what, you also have something someone doesn't have. It's life; we are blessed differently. We have different talents, different personalities. If everyone was the same and always got what they want when they wanted it, don't you think that would be an awfully boring life? We all have different things to contribute to this life; the diversity keeps it interesting. It is good to prepare for your future and set goals, but you also need to live in the now and stop thinking about happiness being in the next thing you achieve. I kept thinking I would be happier when Leroy and I are in a financially better situation. We would be less stressed, meaning less strain on our relationship, therefore we would be happier, but guess what, we are still broke, but our relationship has improved. This is due to the fact that I stopped attributing happiness to the next achievement but started looking at what I have to be grateful for now. This helped me realise that my situation has improved over the years and that I have achieved a lot already. In looking for happiness in future things to come, you end up turning a blind eye to the things you have and taking them for granted. I went from coming from a financially disadvantaged background to grade 12 as my highest qualification as a mother. Now I have four years of work experience and working towards getting a master's degree. I am independent of my mother and have a home of my own. Before I started my journey of healing, I did not recognise how far I have come. Make your plans and set your goals then take a second to breathe, recognise what you have achieved so far and count your blessings, meditate on them. Wake up every morning and recognise what you have, how far you have come and all the potential for greatness that you have and be grateful. Try journaling – write about what you are grateful for on a regular basis. Determine what that means for you, it could be daily or weekly. Often is better than rarely.

# Set goals, Live a life of purpose

The Oxford dictionary describes purpose as the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.

I believe every human that breathes and walks this earth has a purpose. Some of us are living this purpose and some of us are walking blindly through life with no sense of purpose or direction. A lot of people have fallen into the cycle of merely existing but not living purposefully. Existing means you are; you sleep, eat, go to a job/school and maybe a bit of play too, but all of these are done in a somewhat robot-like manner. You do them simply because that is what is being done by the rest of the population, but you lack vision, and you lack a mission. This is a sad life to live and may lead to depression. When you are depressed you will not see the point to life and may consider suicide.

Living purposefully gives your life meaning and may bring some excitement to your life. When you have a sense of direction and a plan you follow, each time you reach a certain goal or achievement, you will feel fulfilled. The feeling of fulfilment will lead to joy and motivation to keep going. I conquered Lion's head, a mountain in Cape Town, South Africa. The hike up wasn't easy. It was especially made difficult by the fact that I started hiking from town which is about 8km to the start of the trail up a steep cliff. By the time I reached the start of the hiking trail, I was already tired, but I persevered on. I had set a goal for myself and I would be damned if I did not reach it. I went up the rocky mountain, climbing using both my feet and hands. There were a lot of other people on the trail, but I was mostly motivated to go further when I came across kids of age range 7-13 years on estimate. I was mostly worried about how I would come down the mountain. I was scared of slipping and falling, rolling down the mountain, but I told myself, many have done it before, surely, I can do it too. When I finally reached the top, I felt so happy. I had set a goal to conquer Lion's head mountain and I had, and boy was that fulfilling. Set goals for yourself and work hard towards realising them and you will feel fulfilled and motivated. I am now planning on conquering Table Mountain in the near future.

Each and everyone's purpose in life is to be of service to others one way or the other. Humans like labels, and we may be grouped into different categories like race, ethnicity, gender, social status and so forth, however, ultimately, we are all connected as humans, as animals and as creation. That connection is why we are born to be of service to others. We all have different abilities and gifts, but each gift is meant to achieve harmony in creation.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama say we are species of compassion. This can be seen by how humans come together to help one another in times of crisis such as those caused by natural disasters. Lack of compassion is not natural but rather a result of the upbringing and life experiences of an individual. Practice being compassionate and you will live a much more joy-filled life. Tutu and the Dalai Lama say focusing too much on the self leads to depression. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. Find your passion, your strengths and live a life of purpose.

# Protect your peace

Protecting your peace means maintaining a healthy environment for yourself. It means protecting your mind from things that trigger negative energy from you. There are many energy suckers out there; people who never seem to be happy with anything and you know what they say, "misery loves company." You ought to stay away from such people. People who seem to strive in negative vibes. If you can't stay away from them because for some reason you love them then you ought to set boundaries. For you to set boundaries you must know your triggers first. What ticks you, what really sets you off? What gets you snapping at people for no apparent reason? Learn what your limits are and make sure you never go beyond them. We are humans, we all have limits. Find out what yours are and protect yourself. Do certain environments make you irritable, or is it a certain type of person, or lack of alone time? I, for example, cherish my time alone. I need to be left alone to my mind for me to recuperate. I feel most drained after a social gathering, then I will need to stay home for at least a week before I attend another social. For me, it is emotionally, physically and mentally draining to be out and about, particularly if it is not with my immediate family. My theory is that I absorb people's energies and my body can't take it. If I am going to meet a friend on a particular day, on that day, I will not do anything else other than regular chores. I cannot stand to do something else that is taxing for that day. If I do not get my time alone, I become very irritable, which results in me being rude to people. So, know your triggers and know your limits to keep a sane mind.

Once you know yourself well and you know what ticks you off, then it's time to set boundaries to protect yourself from reaching your limits. You also set boundaries so that people do not take advantage of you. You do not want to find yourself stretching for people who wouldn't do the same for you. I have always made myself too available to people because I never want anyone to ever feel alone. Even though I availed myself to people, for a long time, I never felt like I had anyone who was just as available for me. Friends would call me at midnight to talk about their issues and instead of sleeping, I would immediately shift my attention to make everything about them. It didn't matter what I had to do the next morning, if you needed Litha, she was there in a single ring. Whilst I was able to handle this, you may not be able to stay up until 3am and still be fully functional tomorrow and your loved ones need to know that. Unless it is an emergency and someone's life depends on your attention, then a person ought to wait until reasonable hours to call you. If you know, of course, that the friend would do the same for you and you would expect that from them, then you should be happy to play your part in that relationship too. Do not overextend yourself then end up getting sick for people who would never do the same for you. Remember, you can't pour from an empty glass.

It is okay to say no. This is something I personally struggle with. I do not know how to say no. If I somehow manage to muster the strength to say no, it would feel like I would die of guilt. Prioritise yourself and say no if something will be too strenuous for you. You should not find yourself worrying about coming through for a person at the cost of our own sanity.

Call in sick at work if you do not feel well, there is a reason you have sick leave. Do not push yourself to the point that you can't even stand up straight. I remember when I was working at Capitec Bank. I got sick with the flu but still went to work. It was extremely hot on the day which seemed to make me feel worse. I was a customer service champion at the time and spent my working hours on my feet by the entrance. I remember that day I could not even stand up straight and my eyes were teary. I could barely speak and for what? To make another man rich. No, don't be like me. Prioritise your well-being. I have since learnt and never again will I subject myself to unreasonable circumstances.

# You are a Masterpiece in progress

Life happens to all of us and I want you to know you are not alone. Bad things happen to good people every day, but you must choose to look for the positive and lessons to be learnt out of everything. Be grateful for what you have been blessed with and always seek to improve yourself. Improving yourself doesn't mean becoming someone else, improve yourself to be the best version of you. Always strive for growth and remember your happiness starts with you. Be happy with who and what you are. Accept yourself and show others how to love and treat you by loving yourself better.

As humans, we tend to beat ourselves up for being human. We do something that we see as terrible or think negative thoughts then, even though we are already feeling horrible, we make it worse by beating ourselves up for it. We need to realise that we are humans and we are not perfection, therefore, we will make mistakes, think negative thoughts; and we must forgive ourselves for it otherwise we fall into mental illnesses like depression. In The Book of Hope by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu, a nice example using food and the immune system is used. It is said that you may eat healthy (fruits, vegetables) but you will get a cold now and then. The same can be said for your mental immunity. You may feed it with positive thoughts, reading spiritual books, meditation, but it will stumble into a negative thought now and then. Accept who you are, recognise your weak areas and turn them into positives and cultivate your strong areas. Accept that you made a mistake, learn from it and move on. Dwelling on it won't change what happened, it will just make you miserable. Misery can only lead to more negative deeds.

Remember, you are not perfect, but you are a masterpiece in progress. Keep working on improving yourself; keep working on being the best version of yourself; keep learning and growing.

7

Medication

I wanted medication to be the last thing I talk about because I do believe it should be a last resort option. I am a master's pharmacology student and I know that medications always have some kind of unwanted side effect whether you are aware of it or not. The way medication is approved for use is on the basis that the benefits outweigh the side effects not that the medication is 100% side effect free. You and your healthcare professional may decide that it is time you take medication to help you cope and that is okay. It doesn't mean you are borderline and, in some cases, you may not even have to take them for the rest of your life, it may just be a temporal solution.

I have heard of a guy who stopped taking his depression medication because he thought it was just a money-making scheme for doctors and pharmaceuticals. This person has since committed suicide. It is likely that had he not stopped taking his pills and went for therapy where he shared his beliefs and found a way to work through his scepticism, he would not have committed suicide. We all know pharmaceuticals are in the business of making money but that doesn't mean that the medication they sell will not help you. I was suicidal before I started taking medication, it is the very reason I was put on medication. I was constantly feeling overwhelmed and felt like I could not take it anymore.

Through discussion with a social worker, she decided that it was time I started taking medication because I was in a really dark place and I just could not see the light. My brain was wired all wrong. With the social worker's referral, I saw a psychologist who referred me to a psychiatrist who subsequently thought that I indeed needed medication. With my consent, she put me on antidepressants and an antihistamine to help me sleep. The antihistamine was later replaced by an antipsychotic.

My best friend and boyfriend were concerned about the decision to start taking medication. My boyfriend believed I did not need it and my best friend was afraid that I would become dependent on it. I too was sceptical about taking medication at first. I wanted to fight my anxiety and depression on my own, I did not want to be dependent on pills to make me feel better. However, as my condition got worse by the day, I was not eating and had lost weight, I started to feel like I did need help coping. I spoke to an associate who has bipolar schizoaffective disorder and asked her how she got to taking medication. I shared with her my fear of dependency. She responded beautifully, telling me that I should not see the medication from a negative perspective. She said that I should look at it from the point of view that I was disabled in some way and the pills are just to help me get around like any normal person. She told me that had it not been for the pills, she doesn't think she would even be alive let alone completing a master's degree in science. I was inspired and felt more comfortable to take the medication. She shared with me her journey through getting the right diagnosis and the right type of medication for her condition which was a bit similar to mine.

Before I started taking medication, I had a minor panic attack during an exam and ended up in a doctor's consultation room. He put me on benzodiazepines, a class of drugs primarily used to treat anxiety. The doctor gave me two drugs, Adco-alzam for everyday use and the other, Ativan sublingual for emergency cases when I felt a panic attack coming on. These drugs are fast-acting, and they made me feel like how I imagine a zombie would feel. My speech was slow, my movements were slowed, I was beyond calm so much so that I could not even think properly, it was like I was high on cannabis but worse. I started feeling nauseous all the time. I hated the pills and stopped taking them after about four days. When I later discussed this with the psychiatrist, she commented that benzodiazepines are the worst pills you can give a person who is depressed, and I agree. I was already having low moods which affected me physically in terms of movements and how heavy my body felt, and those pills just made matters worse. They seemed to dull my senses. What I also hate about benzodiazepines is that they are quite addictive and are not good for long-term use in my opinion.

However, the medication I am currently taking for my depression and anxiety is not addictive. The psychiatrist first put me on Citalopram which was later replaced by Zydus-fluoxetine for treating the depression. These two drugs belong to the same class of drugs known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. I was first put on the lowest dose of Citalopram then after a month of taking it and seeing that it did not have any detrimental side effects (except for a decreased libido), the dose was increased to ensure it was more effective. I later changed to Zydus-fluoxetine, same dose of 20mg after about three months of taking Citalopram because it was out of stock at the time. This was not a problem because the two drugs are from the same class of drugs and essentially do the same thing. I have had no low moods since taking the increased dose and it has allowed me to think more clearly about my life and the kind of person I want to be. The psychiatrist also put me on the antipsychotic Olanzapine which is primarily used to treat disorders such as schizophrenia and bipolar but was given to me in the lowest possible dose to help me sleep. I was not sleeping well at all before the Olanzapine. I found it difficult to fall or stay asleep and would sleep for like three hours a night. I could not seem to shut my brain down. As a result of this, I constantly had migraines and was becoming addicted to codeine which made me feel better when I had a migraine, but it also knocked me out. I would think of taking it to fall asleep and when I was feeling suicidal. If you think you are not sleeping adequately, I suggest you keep a sleep diary and take it with you on your next counselling session with your therapist or consultation with your psychiatrist. This will give them an idea of your sleeping patterns and will help them help you regulate your sleep. My psychiatrist also advised that I discuss sleep hygiene with my therapist which includes things like avoiding caffeine and sugar in the evening and reducing screen time particularly, stop using a laptop for instance 30 minutes before your bedtime. Being physically active like jogging in the evenings can help you sleep better, reducing day time naps and switching the bedroom light off.

Before I get into a bit more detail about the pills I am taking and how they work, I just wanted to say if you have not got it by now, it is ok to take pills if your doctor advises them. If you feel overwhelmed but your psychologist is not giving you a referral to a psychiatrist, you can go straight to a psychiatrist for an evaluation, and she will decide if you should try medication or not. However, you need to know that the medication is there to aide you, but it will not treat any underlying problems, that is a task you have to undertake yourself. If what drove you to a depressed state, for example, is a traumatic childhood, the pills won't make the trauma go away, they will help you deal with the trauma by clearing your mind but you have to find a way to deal with the trauma whether it is through religion or a form of psychological therapy. The pills alter the level of neurotransmitters in your brain as you will see but they do not heal you. Neurotransmitters are chemical messengers in the brain that carry messages from one nerve cell to the other.

You have to actively take the steps towards healing, and you need to learn coping mechanisms such as taking a walk if you feel angry, or meditation or whatever will work for you in dealing with your issues. That is why I continued seeing a psychologist despite being on medication so that we could uncover all and anything that could worsen my state of mind or may have led to the depression itself. It is also important not to just stop the medication without discussing this with your doctor.

#  Antidepressants

Antidepressants are considered to be non-addictive. The five major classes of antidepressants include:

  * Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs);

  * Serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs);

  * Atypical antidepressants;

  * Tricyclic antidepressants; and

  * Monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs)

Information about each class of drug can be easily found on the internet but I will give a brief description of how each class works as obtained from  https://www.drugs.com/drug-class/antidepressants.html.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors: These drugs work by increasing the amount of serotonin in your brain by preventing the reuptake of serotonin by nerves. Serotonin is thought to contribute to well-being, good mood, appetite, and regulation of the body's sleep-wake cycle and internal clock. According to Mayo Clinic, these medications generally cause fewer bothersome side effects and are less likely to cause problems at higher therapeutic doses than other types of antidepressants.

Serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors: these increase the levels of serotonin and norepinephrine in the brain by inhibiting or delaying their reuptake. Norepinephrine is another neurotransmitter that is also thought to be important in the regulation of emotions and thought processes. It works closely with dopamine and serotonin systems and is thought to help mobilise the brain for action, increasing alertness, focus and the retrieval of memory.

Atypical antidepressants: according to Mayo Clinic, these drugs don't quite fit into any of the other antidepressant classes. These include trazodone, mirtazapine (Remeron), vortioxetine (Trintellix), vilazodone (Viibryd) and bupropion (Wellbutrin, Aplenzin, Forfivo XL). Bupropion is one of the few antidepressants not frequently associated with sexual side effects.

Tricyclic antidepressants: these drugs work by increasing levels of serotonin and norepinephrine. According to the Mayo clinic, this class of drugs tends to cause more side effects than newer antidepressants. So tricyclic antidepressants generally aren't prescribed unless you've tried other antidepressants first without improvement.

Monoamine oxidase inhibitors: These medications work by blocking the activity of monoamine oxidase enzymes which are responsible for breaking down neurotransmitters such as dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin in the brain. Low levels of these three neurotransmitters have been linked to depression and anxiety. According to the Mayo Clinic, these drugs may be prescribed, often when other medications haven't worked, because they can have serious side effects. Using an MAOI requires a strict diet because of dangerous (or even deadly) interactions with foods — such as certain cheeses, pickles and wines — and some medications, including birth control pills, decongestants and certain herbal supplements. Selegiline (Emsam), an MAOI that you stick on your skin as a patch, may cause fewer side effects than other MAOIs. These medications can't be combined with SSRIs.

# Antipsychotics

It is not quite clear how these drugs work, but they are thought to affect the dopamine receptors of main importance, reducing the levels of excess dopamine in the brain. They may also affect levels of serotonin, acetylcholine and noradrenaline. According to Psychology Today, dopamine boosts mood, motivation, and attention, and helps regulate movement, learning, and emotional responses. It is considered a feel-good neurotransmitter, contributing to feelings of pleasure and satisfaction as part of the reward system. Antipsychotics are not considered to be addictive.

# Contact me

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# Notes

  1. World Health Organisation (2018, March 22). Depression. Retrieved 2019, November 11 from https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/depression

  2. Khoshaba, D. (2012, March 27). A Seven-Step Prescription for Self-Love. Retrieved 2019, November 11 from  https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/get-hardy/201203/seven-step-prescription-self-love

  3. National Institute of Mental Health (n.d). Anxiety Disorders. Retrieved on 2019, November 11 from  https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/index.shtml

  4. Psychology Today (n.d). Anxiety. Retrieved on 2019, November 15 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/basics/anxiety

  5. Berry, J. (2017, October 21). What's to know about codependent relationships? Retrieved on 2019, November 15 from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319873.php

  6. Khoddam, R. (2014, September 16). The Psychology of Forgiveness. Retrieved on 2019, November 15 from  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-addiction-connection/201409/the-psychology-forgiveness

  7. Mayo Clinic (n.d). Antidepressants: Selecting one that's right for you. Retrieved on 2019, November 15 from  https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/antidepressants/art-20046273

  8. Psychology Today (n.d). Dopamine. Retrieved on 2019, November 15 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/basics/dopamine

