[video game music
and sound effects blaring]
What is going on here?
Hey, Sheldon.
This is Howard and Raj.
They work at the
university, too.
Hey.
Hey.
... uh-oh.
What's happening?
A bad thing. A very bad thing.
Give me that.
(explosion)
- Excuse me.
- Can I help you?
- Yes.
Is this the high-IQ sperm bank?
- Fill these out.
- Thank you.
- We'll be right back.
- Take your time.
I'll just finish my crossword puzzle.
- New neighbor?
- Evidently.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Okay, well... Penny.
- Leonard. Sheldon.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, great.
- Great.
- Great.
- Great.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
- Not to mention imaginary.
- Hello.
- Enchante, Mademoiselle.
[Howard Wolowitz speaks Chinese]
[Howard Wolowitz music]
Just so we're clear,
you understand
that me hanging back
to practice with you
is a pretext for letting you know
that I'm sexually available.
So you're open
to a sexual relationship?
Yeah, yeah, I guess I am.
Leonard. Leonard. Leonard.
Penny. Penny. Penny.
Leonard. Leonard. Leonard.
What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon?
What, Sheldon?
[THX'S "DEEP NOTE"
PLAYING ON SCREEN]
Oh, yeah. This is it.
Hola, nerd-migos.
Hey, buddy, I'm going to be
in "People" magazine.
Yeah, call me
when you're on the cover.
You know how I know
we're not in the matrix?
- How?
- If we were, the food would be better.
Would you call that
"moss green" or "forest green"?
Can't we just postpone it till the spring?
Maybe next summer?
Sure. I guess there's no other choice
but to go ahead and do it.
A colonoscopy.
Aren't there any other options?
There's not a lot of room.
- It's gonna be uncomfortable.
SHELDON: Yes, yes.
I'm definitely going with colonoscopy.
- My mother's coming to visit.
- How about that? You were right.
Your mother's here.
If you want to have intercourse with that
girl, find out what cologne her father wore.
Penny. Penny. Penny.
Sheldor is back online.
The conqueror.
Oh, I see.
Oh, I see.
See the blond over there?
I can hit on her and you can't.
- So go hit on her.
- She's not my type.
How about fans?
Here and here.
The PVC comes down here.
Guys, it's hot in here. I think
I'll just take off all my clothes.
Oh, I've got it.
Gentlemen, goggles.
All right, what's next?
Penny. Penny. Penny.
Raj, Raj, Raj.
Yo, Raj, talk to me.
- Anyway, Raj can come work for me.
- You want me to work with you?
For me.
For me!
Okay...
We're all set.
Let her rip.
It get all funky.
Looks like I'm gonna
have sex tonight.
His right hand is calling him?
Howard, I'm home!
- Don't come in, Ma!
- Why not?
He's got company!
[Sheldon's low, two-toned vocalizing]
[cricket chirping]
Hallway.
One at a time.
[Wolowitz whispering]: Elevator shaft.
Stairwell.
SHELDON: Hello?
I wonder what the non-pathetic
people are doing tonight.
If you don't come out of there,
I'm going to have to drag you out.
You can try.
Sheldon, come here!
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Sheldon, come here!
Bazinga.
Fellas. It's been 30 minutes.
Nobody's touched each other.
You don't want to mess with me.
I'm crazy.
Penny. Penny. Penny.
Penny. Penny. Penny.
Penny. Penny. Penny.
Penny. Penny. Penny.
What?
Move. Move. Move!
Penny, dear, why don't you 
shoot
another silver bullet my way?
Guys, he's an ass when he drinks.
Oh, he's an ass when he doesn't.
[Wolowitz humming Indian music]
Greetings, friends.
You're in my spot.
This is delightful.
You seem tense.
[Sheldon peaceful recorder music playing]
That's it. Bye-bye.
Bazinga.
Whoa!
Penny. Penny. Penny.
[moaning, chains rattling, cackling]
CREEPY VOICE: Sheldon...
"See you in hell Sheldon."
Come on out,
merry pranksters.
Take a bow.
You should've seen your face.
Gentlemen.
[Sheldon screams]
[Sheldon screams]
[Sheldon yelling,
Leonard screams]
Bazinga, punk.
Now we're even.
Penny, Leonard.
Where are my pants?
You might want
to check YouTube.
[SHELDON on video]:
audience, get ready to see
the dark side of the moon.
And here's Uranus.
You slipped and fell
into a robot hand?
- Yes.
- Penis first?
Excuse me,
could you help us out?
My, my, my.
What do we have here?
- I slipped and fell.
- Yeah, we get that a lot.
This is pretty good.
What flavor is this?
Mango caterpillar.
Bad Leonard!
N-o-o!
Well, this was fun.
Please tell me
you're not having coitus.
Yes.
No.
- I need to sleep here tonight.
- Why?
Amy bites, and Penny may or may not
have coitus with Leonard.
Okay. Come on in.
Oh, God!
[Theremin whirring]
[Sheldon playing the Theremin]
What are you doing?!
Playing the theremin.
Sheldon!
We're working here!
That's all right.
I can barely hear you over my theremin.
I know the feeling.
It's like accidentally
walking into a gay bar
and then having
no one hit on you.
It-It happened
to a friend of mine.
Penny. Penny. Penny.
Penny. Penny. Penny.
Penny. Penny. Penny.
Stand back,
I'm gonna break the door down!
Mustache is looking good
there, Sheldon.
Flaming Spittoon.
[spits] Patooie.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's real great.
Today I drove to Van Nuys
for an audition
I thought was going to be
for a cat food commercial.
Turned out to be porn.
Did you get the part?
I didn't do the audition.
Given the state of your career,
can you really afford to be picky?
I want to build a road,
but I need wood.
Do either of you fellows
have wood?
Now, I have sheep; I need wood.
Who has wood for my sheep?
[both laughing]
By the way, if you hope to have children,
I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers.
Your testicles look a tad warm.
[intro to "You Never Can Tell" playing]
- Do you hear anything?
- I hear a woman's voice.
- Is it Penny?
- No, it's you.
Leonard, Leonard, Leonard.
Amy, Amy, Angry Amy.
Human Resources Department,
Human Resources Department, Human Resources
Department.
Good buddy Leonard, Good buddy Leonard,
Good buddy Leonard.
[klaxon blaring]
What the hell?
Emergency preparedness drill.
Come on, smile.
This is gonna be my Christmas card.
Is that a retinal scanner?
Let's find out.
Howard Wolowitz - access granted.
Leonard Hofstadter - access granted.
Access denied.
BOTH: It knows!
Howard Wolowitz, access granted.
Oh, it's very simple.
Scissors cuts paper,
paper covers rock,
rock crushes lizard,
lizard poisons Spock,
Spock smashes scissors,
scissors decapitates lizard,
lizard eats paper,
paper disproves Spock,
Spock vaporizes rock,
and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Oh, that's great! Let's open
them up and put him in there.
[screams] No, don't!
Why? They're just toys.
Once you open the box,
it loses its value.
Yeah, yeah. My mom gave me the
same lecture about my virginity.
Gotta tell you,
it was a lot more fun
taking it out
and playing with it.
[Sheldon plays the Star Trek theme
on his nose]
[whip cracks]
Get that guy!
Get that guy!
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Pew!
[whip cracks]
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Penny. Penny. Penny.
Mother, mother, mother.
LeVar Burton? LeVar Burton! LeVar Burton!
Bert, Bert, Bert.
Bert.
Bert, Bert.
Bert, Bert, Bert.
How could Batman possibly fight Superman?
I mean, isn't that dumb?
Maybe he uses Kryptonite.
"He pulled her in close.
"She began to
tremble all over.
She felt his warm breath..."
You will not believe
what Stephen Hawking just said.
- Get out!
- Not now!
Oh, hey.
I folded your laundry
for you. You're welcome.
Uh, that's not mine.
You're saying that these
aren't yours?
No.
SHELDON: Help! Somebody help!
What happened?
It's called scientific curiosity!
Now go get butter.
I'll be right back.
Oh, no.
What have I done?
Sheldon. Sheldon. Sheldon.
I think we'd make amazing parents.
SHELDON: Will you guys keep it down?
On the other hand, we might lack
a certain maturity.
You're a vixen, Amy Farrah Fowler.
And you realize what the next step is?
[sighs]
We lock that door, lower our underpants
a little and make a baby.
