[ ♪ ♪ ]
>>Lawrence: The Russians finally got GTA Online.
[ ♪ ♪ ]
>>James: Fuck that!
>>Lawrence: They've been making some real motherfuckers.
[ ♪ ♪ ]
>>Adam: Every hallway is just face full of twink.
[ ♪ ♪ ]
>>Bruce: If you beat James' time, you will be the Alpha Gay.
[ ♪ ♪ ]
>>James: What if we get sent to Moscow? Oh! Funhaus in Moscow!
>>Bruce: RTX Moscow?
>>James: That'd be sweet!
Would you- You wouldn't want to go to Moscow?
>>Adam: No...
>>James: No?
>>Bruce: Hold on a minute.
>>James: I can go to Moscow. It's full of cultural history.
[ laughter ]
Do it like Zangief does. There it is! There! It's like you're Russia.
>>Lawrence: You gotta do like one-handed squats.
>>Adam: Yeah... We know.
>>Lawrence: Alright, Adam. You're gonna get fucked, by the way.
>>Adam: Yeah, I know. Oh, Lawrence, what are we doing today?
>>Lawrence: Oh, we're having- We're racing Russian style.
>>James: Nice!
>>Lawrence: It's hard. It gives you nothing.
>>Bruce: That's a cool car.
>>James: Ice cold Russian. You know when to do this.
>>Bruce: NOW!
Nice boost!
>>James: That was nice work, Adam.
>>Lawrence: You're gonna get fucked up.
People are gonna to draft you, & they're gonna to smash you, & you're not gonna do this ramp right.
>>James: Nee-yoink!
>>Adam: Ah! It hurts!
>>James: You did it! You did it!
>>Bruce: You're good!
>>James & Lawrence: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
>>Lawrence: You need as much speed now. You might wanna tilt up a little bit-
>>James: Fire! You're on fire!
>>Bruce: Oh!
>>Adam: One in a million, kid!
>>Bruce: What was that noise?
>>Adam: Oh, hi!
>>James: Russians are basically extreme Americans, because they like,
have this über pride about who they are.
>>Bruce: Nice!
>>Lawrence: Yeah, man, so...
COPS is the greatest television show ever.
>>James: Yeah.
>>Lawrence: In the very early run of COPS they were able to film some episodes of COPS in Soviet Russia.
>>Bruce: Holy shit!
>>Lawrence: Russian COPS.
It was awesome! The way that they arrested people is they took their car keys.
[ Bruce laughs ]
Like, that was it.
They're just like, "You're drunk", & they just grab their keys.
>>James: That's not very extreme.
>>Lawrence: "Alright. Get in the car."
& then they'd, like, tow their shit all the time.
>>James: They'd probably be like, "This is our car. It belongs to the police department now."
>>Lawrence: Kind of. Yeah.
That was awesome.
>>Bruce: You're in a bad spot.
>>Lawrence: It was just a bunch of drunk assholes in windbreakers. It was the best episode.
>>James: I'm telling ya, if they could get over their hatred of gay people, Russia would be onto somethin'.
>>Lawrence: Adam, it's only going to get worse.
>>James: Oh, & killing our political rivals. That's also not ok.
>>Lawrence: Hacking & lying.
>>Bruce: That's not confirmed.
>>James: I mean, the U.S. hacks & lies.
>>Bruce: But we don't kill 'em.
>>James: But that's part of being American.
>>Lawrence: Oh, thank you.
>>Adam: Darn!
>>James: At some point...
We're going to get over our little spat with Russia, which again, we only have because we're so similar.
>>Bruce: Yeah.
>>James: Right? Because we're both really, really pompous nations that are all up our own dicks.
>>Lawrence: Love tits. Love alcohol.
[ Bruce laughs ]
>>James: And we're going to get over it, & we're going to fuckin' party.
That is when shit is going to be fuckin' sweet!
>>Bruce: I can't wait for- That's when the aliens attack.
The aliens attack, we beat 'em together, Russia & the United States,
& then we have a big ass vodka, big-titted party.
>>Adam: Well, at least I'm not last.
>>Bruce: You're not?
>>Lawrence: I'm telling ya, it's just gonna get worse.
>>Adam: What? Oh, I'm not paying attention.
>>Lawrence: Alright, well, have fun.
>>James: Oh my god. Fuck that!
[ evil laugh ]
>>Lawrence: Alright, Adam. Let's do it.
>>Adam: Cool.
>>James: Extreme-o loop!
>>Bruce: Ok, Adam. Nice.
>>James: Nice touch! Oh! Just go up the center tube!
That's the trick!
>>Bruce: Can you do that?
>>James: Yeah. Absolutely!
>>Bruce: He's on it right now. He's grinding it. Oh...
Pbbt!
>>James: Go to the center tube.
>>Adam: Should I center tube?
>>James: Center tube.
>>Lawrence: I mean, yeah, you-
>>Adam: Ow!
>>Bruce: That's fine.
>>James: There. Right there. Hey, look, you can go that way.
>>Adam: I'm gassing it, by the way.
>>Bruce: He's trying to get there.
>>Lawrence: Yeah, he's slidin'. This is all very encouraging.
>>Adam: Ow. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[ Bruce laughs ]
>>Bruce: Oh no. Now you're both going off.
>>Adam: You did this.
>>Bruce: Yeah, right?
>>Lawrence: This is your fault.
>>Adam: I'm gassiiiiing.
>>James: Oh!
>>Bruce: What is he...
>>James: I think that guy fucked you.
There you go.
>>Adam: Is this where I want to be?
>>James: There you go. Straight up.
>>Lawrence: Wait. Was that...
>>James: There. You got it.
>>Adam: Huh.
>>Bruce: Oh, you're going to run out of momentum.
>>Lawrence: That's a later part of the race. You may not want to--
>>James: Ahh!
>>Adam: Hello!
>>Bruce: Yeah, people are like, "What the fuck?!"
>>James: See? He's got it. You're heading towards the checkpoint, Adam.
>>Lawrence: You're slowing down, Adam. You're slowin'.
>>Adam: No, I'm not!
>>Lawrence: Oh, ok, ok.
>>Adam: This is good.
>>Lawrence: Ehhh....
[ all exclaiming ]
>>Adam: Come on, tires!
[ laughter ]
Come ooon...
Bruce: Oh no...
>>Lawrence: Oh no! You lost the momentum!
>>Adam: That guy was-
>>Bruce: That guy's trying to do that same thing, I think. Yeah. Yeah, he is.
>>James & Lawrence: Oh no!
>>Adam: Hold on. It's fine.
>>Bruce: Oh, I see what you're doing. Whip it around like Apollo 13!
>>James: Nice!
>>Adam: There. You want me to do it?
>>Bruce: You gotta do this thing.
>>Lawrence: You gotta do some switchbacks. There you go.
>>Bruce: And then...
>>James: Yeah, you can't come off the...
>>Bruce: And then up!
[ all exclaiming ]
>>Adam: Camera!
>>Bruce: Oh, wow. I can't tell what the gravity is.
>>James: Oh, I'm sorry!
>>Adam: Hey, it's this guy! Hey, best friend.
>>Bruce: He's honking at you. Merp merp merp! Is there a time limit on this?
>>James: Uh, not enough people have finished yet.
>>Lawrence: Yeah, one will start once enough people finish.
>>Bruce: Well, oh yeah.
>>Adam: You gotta give up on your dreams, man.
>>James: 8 people have finished.
>>Lawrence: 7th place, 8th place, yeah.
>>Adam: Oh thank god.
>>Lawrence: I think half have to finish, so once 15 people finish. Or quit.
>>Bruce: Oh yeah, this-
>>Adam: Did I already do this part?
>>Lawrence: Yeah, you're going backwards now.
>>Bruce: That's ok, though.
>>Adam: I mean, at least something's happening.
>>Lawrence: Sure.
>>Bruce: You're not going backwards-
>>James: Look at this! Perfect run!
>>Lawrence: Oh yeah. You're right.
>>James: And then, Adam, just do this whole thing all the way through. Oh, this is the end.
>>Lawrence: This is the later part of the race.
>>James: Uh... Well, at least we get to see it.
[ laughter ]
>>Lawrence: Wall ride.
[ Bruce laughs ]
Or just run right into the side.
>>Adam: I don't know what's what!
>>Bruce: Here we go. This is it. This'll be it.
>>Lawrence: Yeah, once you do this, just pop over there. Right there. Right there. Right there.
>>Adam: Yep.
>>Lawrence: There it goes. Errrrrr. You gotta stay on!
>>Adam: NO!
Staaay...
[ ♪ ♪ ]
>>Lawrence: Ok, Christian soft core thing? So it's across the room-
>>Adam: Christian stuff?
>>Lawrence: And you see like, MRRrrrRRRrrrRRR!
[ Bruce laughs ]
And then it's like, BOOM! Dildo hits the floor, & there's like a spray off of it.
>>Bruce: Yeah, that's really gross.
>>Lawrence: Fuck, man!
>>James: Eh, it sounds good.
[ ♪ ♪ ]
>>Adam: Reminds me of when people describe Monster, & they're like,
"There is a lesbian movie with Charlize Theron & Christina Ricci."
It was like, "Oh my god, sign me up."
& then the first picture of it came out. "AH!"
[ laughter ]
>>James: Also, she gets brutally raped in it.
[ ♪ ♪ ]
Do you still wanna watch? Huh? $12 a ticket!
Don't bump me.
Don't bump me.
DON'T BUMP ME. Ooh!
>>Bruce: Alright, here we go.
>>James: Alright, so I gotta lean back, I guess?
>>Lawrence: Yeah, for the first jump.
>>Bruce: You're just trying to get a little- Do this thing.
>>Lawrence: Tilt her on back. Oh, it might be too late.
[ all exclaiming ]
>>Bruce: Ooh! Nice!
>>Adam: Good get.
>>James: If I was gay...
I would be the most successful version of me.
[ laughter ]
>>Lawrence: Well, that's the thing though, the timing would be off. Like..
I feel like we're on the last 70%-
>>James: What?
>>Lawrence: -of gay being awesome.
>>James: Yeah, I know. But I would've been there for the last...
32 years!
>>Lawrence: Wouldn't you have had- Yeah, I guess... No, but it wasn't that the whole time.
>>Bruce: Are you kidding? Being gay is getting cooler & cooler.
>>Lawrence: It is, but it's going to wrap around. Like, something else is going to be cool later.
>>James: But I would've been the original gay that people don't hate.
>>Lawrence: Hmm.
>>Bruce: You missed it.
>>James: See what I'm sayin'?
>>Lawrence: I think I do see what you're saying.
>>Adam: You're the original gay?
>>James: I would have been!
[ laughter ]
>>Adam: Oh.
>>Bruce: I'm not sure what he's saying.
>>James: I'm the Alpha Gay.
[ laughter ]
>>Lawrence: "Follow me, gays!"
Is it prejudice to assume positive things about whole groups of people?
>>Bruce & James: Yes.
>>Lawrence: Hmm.
>>James: Ohhh! They fucking changed the angle!
>>Bruce: You were doing so well!
>>Lawrence: So if I were to say like, "I love gay men. Their grooming is always on point."
>>James: Mhmm. That's good.
>>Lawrence: That's a bad thing to say?
>>James: Well, it's like Asians are good at math.
>>Lawrence: That's a positive thing.
>>James: That's not racist. It's positive.
>>Adam: Yeah, but it's also... It's a blanket.
>>Bruce: That is a blanket statement. There are Asians that are not good at math.
>>Adam: Yeah. Plenty!
>>James: Show me one.
>>Bruce: [ laughs ] "Show me one".
>>Adam: There's dozens of 'em.
>>Bruce: You're doing it, James!
>>James: OHH! I WANT IT! IT'S HAPPENING!
>>Lawrence: No, no, no, no! Ok, you got it. You got it back.
>>Adam: Ugh.
>>Lawrence: Save it. Come on keep going. OOOH!
>>Bruce: Oh, James, it's alright. You can- Yeah. Just back up & then go.
>>Lawrence: You're so close, James. Look at it.
>>James: The problem is-
>>Bruce: Back up & then go. No, you can't make this.
>>Lawrence: You are getting close.
>>Bruce: You gotta back up & go.
>>James: The problem is the fucking shit changes.
>>Lawrence: It does.
>>Bruce: You're doing it though. You're doing it.
>>Lawrence: Alpha Gay!
>>Bruce: Alpha Gay! Come on, Alpha Gay!
>>James: Come on. I wanna be the Alpha Gay!
>>Adam: You're the original.
>>Lawrence: There it is. You got it back.
>>Bruce: You have to slow down a little bit when you-
>>James: ARRRGH!
>>Lawrence: Do not ever slow down.
>>Bruce: Alpha Gay!
>>James: I hit it! I hit the checkpoint!
>>Bruce: YEEEAH!
>>James: I'M THE ALPHA GAY!
[ laughter ]
>>Lawrence: Oh. Don't explode.
>>Bruce: There we go.
>>James: I hit a checkpoint.
>>Lawrence: No.
>>Adam: You don't tell the Alpha Gay to not explode.
>>Lawrence: Ah, I'm sorry.
[ Bruce laughs ]
>>Adam: He explodes when he wants to explode.
>>Bruce: That's true. He's an Alpha Gay.
>>Lawrence: That was prejudiced of me. I shouldn't assume that I know when gay people want to explode.
>>Adam: Yeah.
>>Lawrence: Let- Let- Leet- Les- Lestic- Least of all,
[ Bruce laughs ]
>>Bruce: You're definitely not the Alpha Gay.
[ coughs ]
Ok, here it is. This is it.
>>Lawrence: This is a really hard wall ride you're going on. You got it! Fuck yeah, man!
>>Bruce: Follow the purple stripe. Like an Alpha Gay would.
>>Adam: Yeah. It looks like an Mike and Ike.
>>Bruce: Look at that!
>>James: Hurr!
>>Adam: Why there?
>>James: Ow!
>>Lawrence: I think Ron's trying to troll you.
>>Bruce: He is definitely trying to troll you.
>>James: Oh, this is where Adam was!
>>Lawrence: Yep. But now you're there legitimately.
>>James: YEEEAH!
>>Lawrence: Alright. Now you gotta wall ride again. And you skew it up.
' Cause you gotta get in that tube.
>>Bruce: Oh, I see.
>>James: AHH!
>>Bruce: You got it.
>>Adam: Wow!
>>Lawrence: Too much. Too much.
>>James: Oh, that's the tube.
>>Lawrence: Sorry, man. Sorry I- Oh! You got it though.
>>James: Oh, I hit it!
>>Lawrence: Is there a race on the planet that has more gay people than another race?
>>Bruce: I mean, like, I'm sure there's statistics to show, but I don't know that.
>>Lawrence: I would assume it's just straight, even distribution across the board.
And it's probably more around the fact that, like, such & such culture is more accepting of it, so-
>>Bruce: Oh my gosh.
>>James: Oh my god.
>>Bruce: Oh man.
>>James: Um...
>>Adam: Well, when we find out who it is, Lawrence, we'll buy ya a ticket.
>>Bruce: Ok, Google,
Which race of the world has the most gays?
>>Assistant: "My apologies. I don't understand."
>>Lawrence: Yeah, she's not gonna touch that one.
>>Bruce: Ok, Google,
What percentage of black people are gay?
>>Adam: She's gonna go down the whole list, huh?
>>Assistant: "According to the Huffington Post,
According to the report, released by Gallup earlier this week,
4.6% of African Americans responded 'yes' when asked if they identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender,
along with 4% of Hispanics, 4.3%--"
>>James: 4%.
[ clap ]
>>Bruce: Nice job on that one.
>>James: 4% is the- We did it.
>>Adam: Oh.
>>Bruce: There you go.
>>Lawrence: Well, so again, that's people that--
>>Adam: Only 3% of white- Get your shit together, white people!
>>Lawrence: Good job, James.
>>James: 12th place! I busted my ass to get that 12th place!
>>Bruce: Really good race.
>>Lawrence: You really showed the Russians some Americans stick to it obviously.
>>James: Now we can go to Moscow, & they'll embrace me!
Did you notice I won with the Penetrator?
[ laughter ]
>>Adam: That's good.
>>James: Just to prove that it can be done!
>>Bruce: You are the Alpha Gay.
>>Adam: James is definitely, uh... What are you? A role model.
>>Lawrence: Yeah.
>>Bruce: For who?
>>James: For the gay community?
>>Bruce: He's not even gay!
>>James: I like to show the gay community out there,
[ laughter ]
>>Bruce: Alright, Lawrence. If you beat 12th place & James' time, you will be the Alpha Gay.
>>Adam: That's cool.
>>James & Lawrence: Ooh!
>>Bruce: Oh, you're not off to a good start.
>>Adam: Oh, this is where it ends. This is the circle thing you were doing.
>>Lawrence: Yeah?
>>Bruce: Yeah.
>>James: Uh oh. Shit.
>>Lawrence: Shwoof! Fuck off!
[ laughter ]
Alright. We're back on track.
>>Adam: Well, that was good.
>>James: Oh, it's clear!
>>Lawrence: Get out of here. Get out of here.
>>Bruce: Whoooa! Oh...
>>Lawrence: Move!
>>Bruce: Here we go. Back on track.
>>Lawrence: This is gonna be right, gonna make up all my time.
>>James: Yep. You gotta do this first try.
>>Lawrence: I do.
>>James: That tube isn't worth it.
>>Lawrence: Watch this. In first-person.
>>Bruce: Oh man. Oh my gosh. Is Lawrence gonna do this on the first try?
>>Lawrence: Maybe. Micro-adjustments.
>>James: Yeah, he's got it.
>>Lawrence: Micro-turns.
>>Bruce: Look at this!
>>Lawrence: I'm clenchin' real hard over here.
>>James: No, you got it. You're right in the middle.
>>Lawrence: I'm ass-clenching. I'm working 'em. Working 'em.
>>Adam, Bruce,  & James: OHHH!
>>Lawrence: I'm working on my gay muscles.
>>Bruce: You're doing it. Yeah, do gay muscles.
>>Lawrence: Hmmmm...
>>Adam: That's the only way you become--
>>Bruce & James: OOH!!
>>Lawrence: People are trying to be dicks.
>>Bruce & James: OHHH!
>>Adam: I don't think they're trying.
>>James: You didn't get hit!
>>Lawrence: ErrRRRrrrRRRrrr. Ooh!
>>James: Nice!
>>Bruce: NICE JOB, LAWRENCE! FIRST TRY!
>>Adam: Actively blowing doesn't make you a cuck.
[ Bruce laughs ]
>>Lawrence: Hey, you're right. It just makes you ready to party.
>>James: He's the cucker.
>>Bruce: Who's the cuckee?
>>James: Someone else.
>>Bruce: The Alpha Gay?
>>Lawrence: Yeah. Anybody else. Doesn't matter.
>>James: Omega Gay!
[ laughter ]
>>Lawrence: Anyone who's willing to blow this.
Who wants in?
>>Bruce: I really thought of Omega Red from X-Men, but he's gay.
>>James: Well, the Omega Gay, is he's- He controls everything from behind the scenes.
>>Adam & Bruce: Ohhh.
>>James: He's the Asstermind.
[ laughter ]
>>Lawrence: Beautiful.
>>Bruce: The Wizard of Ass.
[ laughter ]
Oh man!
All the photoshops in my head? They all materialized all at once.
[ laughter ]
>>Lawrence: A Bootymancer.
>>Bruce [ laughing ]: And that made me laugh.
>>Adam: The Scarecock.
[ laughter ]
>>James: Nice job!
>>Bruce: "The Scarecock".
>>Lawrence: Well, again, I got to scout it. I got to see you guys race it a couple times.
>>James: You're still racing very well!
>>Adam: Yeah.
>>Lawrence: Thank you.
>>Bruce: The Cowardly Ass Lion.
>>Adam: Nope!
>>Bruce: Aw, come on. Ass Lion!
>>James: That's good.
[ Bruce laughs ]
>>Lawrence: Yeah. Yeah, guys, Ass Lion.
>>James: Dorothy.
[ laughter ]
>>Elyse: The Munchin' Ass-kins.
>>Bruce & James: The Munchin' Ass-kins!
>>Adam: ♪ We represent the ass-munching kins. ♪
>>Bruce: Nom nom nom.
>>Adam: Dorothy's just a man in a very tight outfit.
>>Bruce [ laughing ]: I know.
>>Adam: "Have you seen my dog?"
>>Bruce [ laughing ]: "Scarecrow." Nice job!
>>Adam: Scarecock.
>>Bruce: Oh, I'm sorry. Scarecock.
>>Lawrence: I'll take my Alpha Gay trophy, please?
>>James: Uh... There is no trophy. You just get to suck off a dude.
[ laughter ]
>>Lawrence: Guess I'll keep sipping on this.
>>Adam: There's some dude sitting out in his car out there. Go blow him.
>>James: Yeah. He's the trophy.
In fact, that's his name. Trophy.
>>Lawrence: Clearly a Jedi could Force choke a dick... Get it off--
>>Bruce: Yeah, we already- We've discussed that on another GTA.
>>Lawrence: Yeah, I know, I know. Clearly.
But could you Force choke the vaginal canal, & just, like, stimulate it properly like that?
And then I grab the hips, & I squish 'em in as hard as I can.
>>James: Uh huh.
>>Adam: Ladies' Man over here.
>>James: So yes. The answer's "yes"? I don't know?
>>Lawrence: Good. The answer's "yes".
