 
### Guarded Conversations

_How Thailand Was Won and Lost  
in the First Decade of the 21_st _Century_

Written and Copyright 2010 by Putney Swope and Ken Albertsen  
Published by Adventure1 Publications  
ISBN 9781879338128 ASIN: B003XYFNRU  
Distributed by Smashwords

This ebook is available for the person who purchased it. This ebook should not be copied or re-sold or given away to others. Exception: small portions of this book may be quoted in other venues, if it's in regard to reviews or within a teaching context. If you would like to share this book with others, please arrange for the purchase additional copies, accordingly. Thank you for respecting the work of this author. Carpenters, lawyers, accountants and chefs get paid for the hours they devote to their professions, ....so too should authors. It is hoped you enjoy this book. Reviews are appreciated, thanks.

This text is loosely based on true events, though some of the names have been changed to protect the innocent, and not-so-innocent. The authors took a boatload of poetic liberty writing the following fictitious dialogues. When first written, the book tried to disguise that it was a parody of Thaksin Shinawatre, Thailand's PM at the turn of the century. Several years have gone by since Thaksin and his family fled Thailand, so it's probably not as risky, to write satire about him. One can never be too sure, though, because he's had a long career peppered with slapping lawsuits left and right. Enjoy the book. Take it lightly.

CHAPTERS

1. Casting Swirls Before Swine

2. Double Lottery Winners - Not

3. Everybody Does it, So What's the Big Deal?

4. Upset and Unglued

5. Proper T or Impropriety?

6 . Sue, Her Pants Off

7. Stacked Death

8. Instant Judgment and Execution  
9. Lucky Ducky Geniuses

10. Coup De Villain

11. Ink by the Barrel

12. All Couped Up with Every Place To Go

13. Two Bugs Meet in a Bar, the First One Says....

14. With Sweetener Added

15. Rolexes For Hexes

16. Spooked

17. Spooked Redux

18. Vlad the Inquisitive

19. Dutch Treat Mint

20. Stacking the Blogosphere

21. Reflecting Within in a Mirrored Room

Chapter 1. Casting Swirls Before Pine

Backstage at an event where virtually every government figure from departmental managers, on up to top government ministers, to elected officials, to supreme court justices, are in attendance in a large ornate meeting hall. Prime Minister Sintax is talking privately with his son, Elm.

Sintax: Son, this is a golden opportunity to show you got the Watshin spirit. Now go out there and show 'em you got the right stuff.

Elm: Come on Dad, it's not such a big deal.

Sintax: Oh no?

Elm: It's just a fancy phone. You're making this sound like some kind of great big deal.

Sintax: Son, if you're not going to treat this like an important event, then no one else will. This is like the first stepping stone for you - to go on to big things in life.

Elm: Ok, thanks for the pep talk, I guess. But, you know, it's not just me. My friend had a lot of input in to.

Sintax: I don't give a poop about your friend. This is about you. You're somebody. You're friend is nobody.

Elm: Dad!

Sintax: Don't 'dad' me in that tone of voice. You listen to me. You come from a long line of successful businessmen. Your grandfather's grandfather came to this country from Guangzhou China.....

Elm: Dad, I've heard this before.

Sintax: Don't interrupt me. ....he came here overland, after a long and arduous journey. He started with nothing, you hear me, nothing. And he built up, layer by layer, a successful business. And your grandfather married the daughter of a princess, and continued to build successful businesses. I've continued the tradition, and it's up to you to keep building our business empire and make it bigger and richer. Now we've got much more than a business empire, son, we've got control of a country's machinery.

Elm: Getting control.....

Sintax: Alright, we're getting control of everything we need to make our business empire almighty.

\- a stage attendant motions from afar to Elm. He mentions there are a lot of people in attendance, and the time is fast approaching to do the introductions –

Elm, pointing to the attendant: Dad, we're almost on.

Sintax: Alright, you remember the drill. I do a brief intro, and then you come to the podium and do your presentation. Take as long as you want to describe the product and all its.....

Elm: It will be brief. I don't have a lot to say.

Sintax: Suit yourself – and brush that mop of hair out of your eyes, you look like a Beatle.

Elm: Thanks for the confidence building.

Sintax, chuckling: No, I don't mean the insect, I mean the music Beatles ....ok here we go.

Mr. Sintax enters the stage and briskly walks to the podium, to the accompaniment of a recorded pop song drowned out by loud applause by standing audience members. The applause lasts two minutes unabated.

Sintax: Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for showing up on this fine evening. You know why we're gathered here, but let me take a moment to bask in the moment. This is sort of like a 'coming out' party for my son. It's a rather like a debutante event....

Elm, whispering loudly: Dad! Come on.

Sintax: Sorry son. Yes, perhaps 'debutante' isn't the best choice of words. If I recall, debutante is something for girls. Perhaps a 'bar mitzvah' would be a better term.

Elm, again whispering loudly: Dad, that's Jewish. We're Buddhist, remember?

\- ripples of laughter from the audience -

Sintax, loudly aside: Lighten up, son, we're trying to have some fun here, (turning to the audience); Anyhow, as you've probably heard by now, my son is here tonight presenting, or should I say, showcasing his exciting new product called Gem-Phone. I'm not sure if I like the name – he didn't ask me beforehand what to call it,....

Elm, sitting nearby: Maybe we should have called it 'Thai Call Thai' or TCT for short

\- laughter from the audience -

Sintax, continuing with a smile: ....but the product is great. I could go on to describe it, but it's probably best you hear it from him, so with no further ado, I hand you over to the capable hands of Elm Watshin.

Sintax leans back toward the microphone, after taking two steps away from it: I wanted to add, he's Elm, a scion off the old tree. I guess that makes me 'old Elm,'

A pregnant silence ensues. Then ripples of laughter start from the stage and spread to the audience. Sintax gestures grandly towards his son to come to the podium.

\- applause and smiles all around. Elm looks a bit embarrassed and a tad unsteady, as he lopes to the microphone. Squeak, goes the P.A.

Elm: Thank you, Thank you. My dad tried to make it a big deal, but it's really not such a big deal. I mean, it could be a big deal, if you want it to see it that way. Well, it wasn't all my idea. My friend helped me (Elm points to friend at side of stage, they smile girlishly at each other).

Ok, you probably got the press release – in the mail or delivered, whatever (he holds up the high quality color brochure for all to see). So here we are. More importantly, here's the item. Nobody has ever done this before. Or, at least if they have, I haven't heard about it. It's a mobile phone which has precious gems on each of the number keys. Do I need to explain this?

Elm gazes sheepishly at his dad, his dad nods: Go ahead, son.

Elm holds the phone up for all to see, and continues: Ok, so we used real gems, not colored glass, and it really makes the phone look good, don't you think? You have a choice of all the same type gems on a phone, or you can pick a style with a variety of gems. When I'm done talking, you can go up to the tables alongside the stage and see what styles we have on hand. If you don't see what you want, or if we're sold out of a style, no problem - you can special order, or whatever.

Elm adds: Any questions?

After a couple seconds of silence, a female voice in the audience asks; "How did you attach the gems, and are the phones good quality?"

Elm smiles sheepishly: That's my sister. Hi Ezmerelda. Ok, a softball couple of questions, no problem. First off, let me say the mobile phones are top quality, state of the art, the best quality we could find. And the gems - we had the gems attached using highest quality glue – they're really stuck on there. Oh, and yea, if any gems come off, we will repair it for free - no problem.

Male voice from the audience: Do the gems light up?

Elm: We're working on that. The models we're selling now don't light up, but we're talking with someone who says they can add that feature. Oh, and no one asked how much the phones cost, but I can say they're reasonably low priced, or at least we think so (slight giggling). I mean, they cost just a bit more than the value of the gems, so it's kind of like getting a phone for free.

Sintax stands and motions to his son at the podium: Well, ladies and gentlemen, if there is no further ado, why don't we all go and look at what's available at the tables.

\- Loud applause, while everyone in the audience obediently gets up from their seats and moseys over to the tables which display the mobile phones for sale.

A dozen attractive young women, all dressed smartly in black and white, are hostessing the tables. Orders are brisk. All 200 phones on display sell in minutes, with cash paid for each. Some in the audience purchase multiple phones. Sintax is milling happily with the crowd, and purchasers are continually gaining eye contact with him as they're buying. Soon there are calls for sheets of paper and pens, as many audience members are eager to write their names down in order to secure special orders for more phones. All activity is rife with smiles and eye contact with Sintax and Elm as often as possible. Several times per minute, one or another audience member holds up a phone or two they just bought, while gaining eye contact with Sintax.

Elm's mother, Manpoj stands nearby with her two daughters, Elm's sisters. Ms Manpoj strikes an Imelda Marcos figure, with a hint of a Mona Lisa smile for the occasion. She nods her head ever so slightly to acknowledge each audience member who has just acknowledged her, keeping a dignified distance from all but her daughters alongside.

Chapter 2. Double Lottery Winners – Not

Sintax: What's this I'm hearing about some dust-up – my political opponents want to get me in trouble about hiding money?

Papbong: I would call it more than a dust-up, sir. There are charges that you illegally hid assets.

Sintax: You're my lead attorney. Tell me, is it against the law to give money to people? Who let the cat out of the bag anyway?

Papbong: There was a search of your chauffeur's and your cleaning lady's bank accounts. It was deemed odd that such people who make nine thousand baht per month, all of a sudden were able to put millions of baht in their accounts.

Sintax: Who allowed a search of my workers' bank accounts? That's preposterous. That's prying. I want their names. Isn't there a law against that?

Papbong: I believe it came from a legal search.

Sintax: Tell them the chauffer and cleaning lady just won the lottery. I don't know. You're the lawyer, you think of something to tell the witch hunters.

Papbong: I don't think you will get anyone to believe both your chauffeur and cleaning lady hit the lottery jackpot within the same week last month.

Sintax: Ok, I knew that wouldn't fly, but what do I tell this Salem Witch Hunt committee?

Papbong: The more important question is who is going to make the final decision on guilt or innocence.

Sintax: Precisely. Who are the judges?

Papbong. Well, here is a list of the likely judges, and I've spoken to them through back channels. You need at least eight out of fifteen to go your way. Six of them are in our pocket, but the others are leaning toward conviction.

Sintax: That's preposterous. I just got the Prime Minister's seat. I've got the whole country behind me.

Papbong: Well, most of Issan....

Sintax: Don't quibble about details. I'm thinking here.

Papbong: Yes sir. Actually, that may be the ticket for getting you off the hook.

Sintax: What, that I'm thinking?

Papbong: That you've just been elected to head the country. We can say that it would be disruptive for you to be found guilty of a legal charge, whether spurious or not.

Sintax: I've never been spurious – I don't even know what spurious is, but it doesn't sound good. But all this legal mumbo jumbo is indeed disruptive for me.

Papbong: Well sir, actually we would say it would be disruptive for the country – the voters who just recently put their trust in you to guide the country onward.

Sintax: Right. Whatever. Say what you've got to say, but get me untangled from this crap. I don't need a problem like this right now. Can I fire the justices who vote against me?

Papbong: Not easily.

Sintax: Huh?

Papbong: No. That's not the recommended way out of this right now. We'll try other strategies. Firing the justices just wouldn't look right. Plus, then there would be another set of justices to take the place of the ones you fired.

Sintax: I appoint justices, don't I?

Papbong: Sir, with all due respect, I really don't think we should go down that path. Better to contact the current justices and see who will look kindly on your predicament. We only need two of the wafflers to come over to our side. Perhaps we can say you made an honest mistake?

Sintax: I don't make mistakes. Look, out of these five, who's wavering? Who can use some extra dough?

Papbong: We're working on the payment angle. But with respect sir, in this case you may be well served by eating some humble pie, and saying you did something you didn't know was wrong.

Sintax: It's true. I didn't think it was wrong to hide, .....I mean to gift millions of dollars to my chauffeur and housekeeper. Heck, everyone else does those kinds of things. Is it really illegal?

Papbong: Yes sir, it is. Particularly if it appears as though you were hiding assets.

Sintax: That's not what I was doing, I was.......

several seconds of silence, while neither man looks at each other –

Sintax continues: Ok, I was hiding money, so what's the big deal?

Papbong: Just don't say anything. Leave the explanations to me. And leave the contacts with justices with me. Is there money in the secret fund?

Sintax: Yes, you know there always is.

Papbong: Fair enough, I think we have a better than even chance of clearing this up.

Sintax: I don't like those odds. And what happens if we don't beat this?

Papbong: It could be a can of worms if we don't. We're working on a plan B. But leave it to me for right now. Please don't make any contacts behind my back.

\- another several seconds of silence -

Papbong: And please don't make any press statements about this without me nearby. Can you promise me that?

\- Sintax fakes a grin and leaves the room, none too pleased –

Chapter 3. Everybody Does it, so What's the Big Deal?

Sintax: Elm I need to talk to you.

Elm: Dad, did you hear about Gem-Phone? we sold all 200 phones we had at the presentation in ten minutes!

Sintax: Son, listen, I've....

Elm: ....and we got orders for 376 more phones. I've already made a million baht profit, and orders are still coming in.

Sintax: Son,.....

Elm: .....isn't that great! I'm going to have a business empire like you someday. I'll put your satellite business to shame – we got hundreds of order for the Gem-Phones, and more.....

Sintax: Elm. Stop spewing at the mouth. I've got something more important to talk to you about.

\- Elm follows his father to the veranda. Elm knows that tone in his father's voice. It's completely no nonsense, and he knows exactly why he's being summoned to talk to his dad one on one. His mother, Manpoj, listens from a porch nearby. She has just heard a preview of what has made her husband so stern, and she too knows that tone, and knows not to interfere at this moment -

Sintax: Elm, I just had a call from your teacher, and....

Elm: I know, I was going to tell you about that, and how.....

Sintax, more sternly: Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to you. Now listen to me. I just got a call from your teacher at the University, and he says he caught you cheating on an exam.

Elm: Everybody does it. It's no big deal.

Sintax: I don't care about 'everybody.' I'm talking to you. This is about you. This is about our family's image. Do you know the seriousness of this? Why were you so stupid to get caught?

Elm: That's two questions.

Sintax: Don't wise off with me, son. How did you get caught?

Elm. I was just looking over at someone else's paper. Look, the teacher was trying to get me in trouble. He doesn't like me.

Sintax: You got caught, that's the issue. Does he know who your father is?

Elm: For sure, and that's it. He's some liberal gauze ball, and he's got it out for me.

(gazing down, while using a lower tone of voice) He's talking about making me do the course again next year.

Sintax: I know, and we can't let that happen.

Elm: Tell him you'll fire him if he gives me a hard time.

Sintax: It's not that simple, plus it would look bad, if I did that. Jeez, I can't believe you were so dumb as to get caught.

Elm: Maybe if you....

Sintax: Shut up, I'm thinking. Ok, here's what we'll do. I'll call him and you tell him you're very sorry.

Elm: But how can I say I'm sorry, when I really didn't do anything wrong?

Sintax: Leave that one alone. He thinks you did, so that's what we've got to deal with.

\- Sintax dials the number -

Sintax: Hello, this is the Prime Minister. My son wants to tell you that he's very sorry for what happened today. (hands the phone to Elm).

Elm, on the phone: Yes sir, I'm very sorry for whatever happened today. I promise it won't ever happen again.

\- a couple minutes go by as Elm listens to the response. Then hangs up, sullen-faced -

Elm: He won't go for it.

Sintax: What?

Elm: He says he's compelled to hold me back to do the year over.

Sintax: That's preposterous. That just won't do. What's the name of the superintendent of the University?

\- a secretary is summoned to get the name and phone number of the head of the University. Elm gets a call on his mobile. Smiles, hangs up: Dad, I want to go watch a video that Somchai just told me about. It's about these guys who go to a club and watch this weird act...

Sintax: Shut up and focus. You're not going anywhere until we resolve this issue of you getting caught cheating at school. Ok, here's the number. (Sintax dials)

Sintax, in his most cordial voice: Hello Miss. Yes, this is the Prime Minister. Yes, perhaps you heard...., Oh, you heard. Well, I want to say he's very sorry for what happened, and you can be sure it will never happen again (scowls at Elm). Yes, I know there's been talk of making him repeat the year. Well, let's be frank miss. You and I both know that cheating on exams is common. Regrettable, yes, very regrettable, but common. But let's remember he's just a boy, and he wasn't thinking (scowls again at Elm). Perhaps he can just take the exam again on his own. Oh, you don't allow that, alright yes, I understand. (He listens for a moment).

He continues, his voice less silken now: Ok, who is this teacher who is causing so much commotion? Didn't he realize who he is messing with? Didn't he realize he could be gambling with his teaching position? He may not like me or my politics, well, that's his choice. I don't care. But he can't take it out on my son, do you hear me? I want you to clear this up. I don't want my son to have to do the year over. He doesn't want that – that's for sure. You fix it ma'am. If you cherish your position as head of the University, you will fix it. (a lull, while he listens). Ok, I don't care of the details of how you make this right, but I'll be listening to your announcement to the press tomorrow morning, and I don't want to be disappointed. Thank you and good night.

4. Upset and Unglued

Sintax: What is the problem with Ezmerelda - is that her making sobbing noises upstairs?

Manpoj: She's upset. Your daughter wants to go to this special college with her friends – some sort of college for learning about making videos for TV.

Sintax: Well, if she wants to go to that college, then what's the problem?

Manpoj: The problem is she's not sure if she can pass the exam which enables her to get enough credits to....

Sintax: She doesn't think she can pass the exam?

Manpoj: Right. Well it's more complicated than that, but yes, that's basically it.

Sintax: Why not? Is the exam all important? Do the people at the gate know who her father is?

Manpoj: Well yes and yes. Everybody knows her father is PM, maybe that's a drawback sometimes, I don't know.

Sintax: Well, how can we get her to pass the exam? If she doesn't pass, can't we just talk to the people at the college and get her a place there?

Manpoj: If she doesn't get a passing grade, and then we get her in on your coattails then that won't look good in the newspapers.

Sintax: So? Ok, just kidding. But what can we do ....wait, who administers the exams – why can't we just get a copy of the exam the night before and she will know all the questions and answers. That's what I did on my police exams in Texas. Everybody did it there, and nobody had a problem with that.

Manpoj: That was then, and this is now.

Cleaning lady, clearing up the dishes after dinner, overhears the conversation: permission to speak Madam -

Manpoj: What? When is dessert coming?

Cleaning Lady: I'd like to say something that might shed some light on what you were talking about.

Sintax: You were listening to our private conversation?

Cleaning Lady: Sorry sir, I'll get back to my duties. (she starts slipping away)

Manpoj: No no. Miss, speak up. What is it you want to say?

Cleaning Lady: Madam, with all due respect, I have a friend who has a son who was worried about an upcoming test.....

Sintax: Oh lord, are we going to have to listen to everyone's personal problems?

Manpoj: Oh hush up, and let the woman speak. Go ahead.

Cleaning Lady: Thanks you ma'am. And the boy's mother works in the printing house – the place that prints the tests.

Manpoj: Yes, go on.

Sintax: That's it! Find out where the bloody tests are printed, and get a copy hot off the press. Presto, problem solved. Daughter sobs no more.

**Cleaning Lady:** With all due respect sir, there are safeguards on the test papers.

Sintax: I thought this might not be so easy. Alright, go on.

Cleaning Lady: Well sir and madam, the tests are printed the day before.....

Sintax: That's it. Get ahold of the original test, before it's printed. Make a photo of it – or get a spy or someone to sneak in and....

Manpoj: Oh please hush up and let the lady speak, will you.

\- Sintax stops and looks at the cleaning lady for the first time, as if she'd just unexpectedly took his queen in a game of chess -

Manpoj: Go on.

Cleaning Lady: So this is what my friend at the printing shop told me. She said the tests are kept secret until the day before the test date. Then they're printed up in a closed room.

Sintax: Must get hot in there, hope they have air-conditioning. (Manpoj looks daggers at him). Oh ok, sorry for living.

Cleaning lady continues: They print the tests, and then they wrap them in paper or something. Anyhow, the wrap seals them up so no one can see the test papers before they're used in the classroom.

Sintax: We need to talk to someone who is involved with the printing process. Ok miss. You're dismissed, thank you for sharing that information. Goodbye.

Two weeks later, it's the night before the daughter's big test. Just after the test papers are printed, they are stored temporarily in a locked room – awaiting their use the next day. A man with a key, unlocks the door and slips in the room. He knows which pile of papers apply to the class which includes Sintax's daughter. He takes out a dull knife and deftly undoes the glued paper seal, which is simply a 5 cm wide ribbon of baby blue paper which goes neatly around each stack of papers. He pulls out a single test bundle. He then hears a noise, like a door being shut, so he hurries to glue the paper seal back in place – but just then realizes he has forgotten to bring the little glue stick he bought earlier. He hurriedly looks around the room, but finds nothing to use as glue. He takes a bit of spittle and wipes it on the paper pieces which were glued just a few moments earlier – presses them together and exits - with the test folded tightly in a buttoned pocket inside his vest. An hour later, the paper seal slowly curls and the pieces once again separate from one another –

5. Proper T or Impropriety?

Manpoj: Honey, I found a piece of property I want to buy.

Sintax: Ok, so buy it.

Manpoj: Aren't you interested in where it is?

Sintax: Ok, so tell me where it is.

Manpoj: I resent that tone of voice.

Sintax: I'm sorry. Look, I've got a lot on my plate lately. There was the attempted assassination.

Manpoj: I thought investigators found it was some sort of mechanical malfunction on the parked plane, but not an attempt on your life.

Sintax: Whatever. I announced to the press, minutes after it happened, that it was an assassination attempt on me, so I've got to stick with that. So what's the story with the property you want?

Manpoj: Well it's state property up for auction, but I don't like the minimum bid, and I don't want to bid against those dummies who don't know better than to pay high prices for everything.

Sintax: Well look, where there's a problem, we can find a solution. Which government faction is putting it up for bid?

Manpoj: I don't know all those details. I just want the property and I don't want to pay a ridiculous price for it.

Sintax: Ok, we'll find out which office is auctioning it, and I'll talk to them. We'll tell them we don't want pesky competition and we'll tell them what we think is a fair price. They should go for it. After all, they all work for me. So don't worry. If there's a way to get the property for a fair price, we'll find it. What's the latest with Ezmerelda's test and all that?

Manpoj: She passed, so she's going to go with her friends to the college.

Sintax: Is the press still passing gas around about test papers from the printers, and the seal being opened, and all that stuff?

Manpoj: Yes, but it will blow over in a day or so.

Sintax: Who was the woman who made the fuss about the seal being broken? Can we get her head on a platter?

Manpoj: Now come on, she was just a little nobody making an observation. We can't fire her. All hell would break loose.

Sintax: I know. I was just kidding.

6. Sue, Her Pants Off

Sintax, storming in to lawyer's office waving a piece of paper ripped from a newspaper:  
Have you read this?!

Papbong, sitting at his desk, with client: Sir, you startled me. With all due respect, would you please enter my office a bit less cyclonic.

\- Client stands, bows several times toward Sintax, one bow per step, while leaving the office. All the while, Sintax stands facing Papbong with arms spread straight downwards, while not acknowledging his attorney's client, who has quietly exited. -

Sintax: Whatever.

Papbong: You can start by learning to knock on the door, and asking if anyone is here,

Sintax, mouth agape, still fluttering paper in his hand: Have you read this?

Papbong: Yes, I read it this morning in the newspaper. What do you want to do, close down the newspaper? We already got caught looking in to the private accounts of newspaper editors.

Sintax: I know, that guy at the Nation really burns my biscuit.

Papbong: For what – complaining about having the government looking in to his personal spending habits?

Sintax: Ok, he found out, but he didn't have to make such a big stink about it.

Anyway, you asked me if I'd like to shut down the Nation and a slew of other newspapers. Of course I would, but I also know they'd skewer me to no end.

Papbong: Mark Twain once said, 'Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.'

Sintax: You're always quoting British people, plus nobody buys ink like that anymore – everything is done on computer, get with the times. Whatever. Let's slap a defamation suit on this woman. Who is she anyway?

Papbong: You know we have 14 defamation of character lawsuits in various states of prosecution right now.

Sintax: I don't care, make it 15. And make this one hurt.

Papbong: Look, when I read the article, I knew you'd be livid, so I got on the phone and made some inquiries about her this morning. She's not a woman, she's just a girl, and a pretty one at that. And it's one of her first opinion pieces.

Sintax: I don't care if she's a sex diva with a chrome pole in each room of her house. I don't care if it's her first day on the job, I won't allow people to drag my name through the mud.

Papbong: You and I both know what she said is not lies.

Sintax: The issue is not about what's true, the issue is I'm the PM and people, especially people in the newspaper business, cannot be allowed to say those scandalous things about me.

Papbong: Ok, you want to do a defamation, we can do a defamation, but if it goes to court, you may have some explaining to do.

Sintax: You mean about how people should not pry in to my life?

Papbong: No. The court will ask you whether what she wrote is true.

Sintax: You mean the prosecution.

Papbong: We'll be the prosecution, she'll be the defendant, but either way, you will be required to disprove what she asserts in her article.

Sintax: You and I both know it won't come to that, because I'm going to sue her and the newspaper for ten million dollars. That should shut them up. They're going to be so eager to strike an out-of-court settlement, that we can get them to lick our shoes clean in the process.

Papbong: Well, when you put it that way, I guess you've got a point. If you want to kill a fly with a ten million dollar sledgehammer, you can do so, and the fly will certainly die.

Sintax: Is the girl a real dish? Is that her photo on your desk? Let me see that photo. Yeah, I see what you mean. I wouldn't pass her by on a rainy day on a lonely road, if she were out hitchhiking.

7. Stacked Death

Sintax: Did you get the set of gold embossed golf clubs I sent?

General Classmate: Indeed sir, and I thank you profusely. They are too pretty to use, so I will hang them in the study at my Chiang Mai lodge.

Sintax: No, I think it's better you use them. Plus, the gold was added to top quality clubs, so it's not just something to hang on a wall someplace.

General Classmate: Good idea. I will certainly use them on the course.

Sintax: I was going to get each top general a set of gold clubs, but there are dozens of generals, so it might cheapen the gift idea. What would you suggest I do for gifts? I don't want anyone getting serious about these rumors of a coup to throw me out.

General Classmate: No one is planning a coup, sir. If that were true, I would know it, and that person would be thrown in the brig.

Sintax: The brig would be too good for them. You know our dear country has had 18 coups since we first tried democracy on for size?

General Classmate: That's too many.

Sintax: The most of any country. I like to think of my country as unique, but unique in respectable ways, you know what I mean?

General Classmate: Yes sir.

Sintax: .....not unique in having the dirtiest toilets or highest percentage of katoy.

General Classmate: Well, we have the longest serving monarch.

Sintax: Yes, that's something about us that's unique in a good way.

Sintax: General, is the press still trying to crucify me on the southern problem?

General Classmate: Well, sir, I think we can agree there have been some problems down there in southern Thailand.

Sintax: Indeed. How could things get so far out of hand?

General Classmate: Well sir, for starters, there could have been....

Sintax: That was a rhetorical question, I wasn't looking for a real answer. The press are, as usual, trying to skewer me for things that aren't my fault.

General Classmate: With all due respect sir, you do claim to be the CEO Prime Minister.

Sintax: Yea yea, ..... who is in charge all the time, and who knows what everyone is doing. Did I really say that?

General Classmate: Well, perhaps not those exact words, but...

Sintax: Well, I've taken on a lot of responsibility. The problems of a nation fall on my shoulders. So many people are looking to me to solve their problems. I tell them my wife is the one who makes the decisions, but they don't believe me. Do you believe me?

General Classmate: That your wife makes all the decisions? Well, if you want me to believe that, I will believe that.

Sintax: No matter. Listen, what happened in Bai Tak?

General Classmate: Sir, you must have heard the reports in the news.

Sintax: Yes, that's what I'm concerned about – how the loud-mouthed press sees it. I know what the press reported. But I'm asking you that question – because I want to know how my generals down there were so stupid as to stack those punks like cordwood in those flatbed trucks, and then leave the trucks idling for hours. Why couldn't they find a place to take those prisoners?

General Classmate: They were waiting instructions from you, sir.

**Sintax:** From me – really? There were generals down there. Generals are supposed to be able to make decisions – smart decisions.

General Classmate: Permission to speak frankly?

Sintax: Yes of course, and you don't have to be so formal. I'm not standing here with a bunch of fruit salad pinned to my chest. Go ahead and say anything you want to say, man.

General Classmate: We went to Police academy together. We graduated together. You appointed me head of the Army....

Sintax: Yes, yes, come on, get past the honor guard slide show. Get to the point.

General Classmate: After the Krung Se shootings in the south, you had all of us together in the same room and you held up a phone.

Sintax: Yes I remember. It was only a few weeks ago.

General Classmate: You held up a mobile phone and....

Sintax: ...That's when everyone in the room held up the phones they'd bought from Elm, (Sintax chuckles) ...they all thought I was asking them to prove they had loyally bought Elm's phone (laughter) .....or maybe they were worried I was going to order them to buy Elm's newest model which cost three times as much (more robust laughter). Go on General, though I think I know what you are trying to say – it has to do with staying in touch.

General Classmate: Yes sir. You held up your phone and made it crystal clear; now that all of us have mobile phones, there's no excuse for all of us not staying in touch. You made sure that all the brass had your phone number, made them promise to call....

Sintax: Yes, I remember what I said. So what's your point.

General Classmate: You also emphasized, that if there was ever another problem in the South while you were PM, that you would personally be in charge – minute by minute. You said you may not be physically on the scene, but every serious decision would be yours.

Sintax: But you can't blame the deaths of those boys in the trucks on me – what was the number, fifty something?

General Classmate: 85, sir.

Sintax: Nobody asked me whether to put them in those trucks like that. I would have put them in standing up.

General Classmate: Sir, I'm not blaming you for anything. However, the press corps are insinuating.....

Sintax: That's no surprise. The press insinuate all the time. That's their job description; to insinuate. Their whole plan is to tar me with everything bad that happens. They're all over me like a flooded river – a polluted flooded river.

General Classmate: With all due respect, I do recall you were told there weren't enough trucks on hand, and you were asked how to get those arrested young men to a detention facility. If I recall correctly, you said, "Put as many in each truck as you can. I don't care how you do it. Lay them flat or stand them on their heads, I don't care. Just make sure they don't have any weapons, and make sure each has his hands tied.'

Sintax: Don't tell anyone you heard that.

General Classmate: Yes sir.

Sintax: So now the press bellyachers are talking about who should take responsibility for the messes down there. Well, we've got to assign a commission to look in to things. That's your assignment. Find some bureaucratic types and put them in a group. I don't mind if some generals wind up getting assigned to inactive posts for this, but I don't want to see anything messy like demotions, you got what I'm saying? There's no way the shit can get up to me, is there?

General Classmate: No way sir, we'll see to that.

Sintax: And arrange for some payment for the families. Wait, that may look like we're guilty of something or apologizing. We're not guilty of anything, are we?

General Classmate: No sir.

Sintax: Ok, let me think about the payment thing. But in the meantime, do what you have to do to clean this up, but make sure the shit doesn't stick to me. I have enough problems – I don't need anything new.

General Classmate: Will do, sir.

8. Instant Judgment and Execution

Sintax: Have you seen what the press is trying to skewer me with now?

Papbong: Not sure what you're referring to – is this about the exam papers for your daughter?

Sintax: No, that's blown over – that's become a non-issue. I'm talking about the stories of kids and so-called innocent people dying – the people who are getting in the way of cops who are chasing drug pushers. My enemies are trying to paint me as a child killer.

Papbong: I believe it's called collateral damage – when an innocent person gets injured during combat.

Sintax: Something like that. Well, does this put me in some sort of jeopardy?

I'm not doing the shooting. I don't even have a gun.

Papbong: Point taken. But you did initiate the War on Drugs.

Sintax: Drug dealers are getting taken off the streets, damn it, and now the press and the Democrats are trying to twist things around to make it look like I'm the bad guy going around with a rifle and personally shooting people. Heck, I'm the guy who's making the policy to get rid of the bad guys. I'm not the bad guy.

Papbong: No, you're not the bad guy. As I see it, the only way you could get in trouble is if this went all the way to the International Court at the Hague, or something like that.

Sintax: What? You mean I'm culpable for something? All I'm doing is getting drug dealers off the streets, for crying out loud.

Papbong: What's this talk about a quota system and payments to policemen for confiscated drugs?

Sintax: That's what I mean. I put out incentives to make this program effective, and my enemies turn things around, start tossing around fancy farang words like 'quotas' and 'extra-judicial' – all trying to make me look like the bad guy. If they get their way, we'll all be speaking Latin.

Papbong: You want my professional opinion as your attorney?

Sintax: Well yes, I think so, but I don't think I like the tone of your question.

Papbong: From a legal standpoint, crime suspects are not supposed to be executed without a trial proving that they're guilty.

Sintax: But we're talking about drug dealers here.

Papbong: Do you want me to be an emotional trampoline for you, and just back up everything you say – or do you want me to tell you the legal ramifications of what's going on.

Sintax: Ok, ramificate all you want.

Papbong: You must admit, sir, that you published quotas – in other words, you told provincial police departments how many dealers they needed to discipline. Small provinces had small numbers, and large provinces had large numbers required, and so on.

Sintax: Something like that – but would you get off using the word 'quotas' – I never used that word. I put out incentives for provincial cops to show results.

Papbong: And was it also incentive to pay cops a direct amount for the quantities of drugs they confiscated?

Sintax: Yea, ok. I told them they could get rich if they personally showed a lot of drugs they confiscated. I thought at the time that might be controversial, but I did it anyway.

Papbong: It's the extrajudicial executions that might prove troubling. I'm not sure how we can wipe the slate clean for you on that.

Sintax: I haven't killed anyone. If police chiefs take a directive, then misinterprets it, that's their problem, not mine.

Papbong: You claim to be the CEO Prime Minister, so people interpret that as you being in charge.

Sintax: Are you attacking me too? Ok, I know I've said that CEO thing several times, but still, this is a country of over sixty million people – I can't be expected to be responsible for all the things everyone does. And I don't want this UN commission thing that my enemies are clamoring for. I said 'the UN is not my father' – perhaps not the best choice of words, but people know what I meant. I'm not going to have an outside group of foreigners come here and tell me how to run this country.

Papbong: You're right, sir.

Sintax: Tomorrow, I'm going to declare victory in the War on Drugs. My friend George Bush the Younger declared victory in Iraq, so I'm ready to declare a victory of my own. I think it's been successful overall, don't you? And I'm not going to go soft on getting rid of more dealers. If more need to be shot, then so be it.

Papbong: Sir, it might not look good for your poll numbers if there are yet more extra-judicial deaths. Already 2,000 have died in three months, and none of those deaths had any judicial review – either before or after the deaths.

Sintax: Why are you attacking me also?

Papbong: Sir, between me and you, I don't give a rat's ass about the deaths. However, as your top attorney, it is my responsibility to play the devil's advocate and advise you of the legal implications of the things you do and order.

Sintax: Ok, implicate away, but I'm not going to go soft on this. If more bad people need to get taken out, well that just tough for them. And enough of this extra-judicial talk. People do bad things, and they get shot by police, simple. If they keep their noses clean and stay out of trouble, they don't have anything to worry about. You got that?

Papbong: You don't have to convince me.

9. Lucky Ducky Geniuses

Sintax: I got the deal with Burma.

Manpoj: What deal was that?

Sintax: Don't you remember? The Burmese government wanted a 3 billion baht loan from Thailand. I talked to the Ministry, and they went along with loaning them an extra billion on top of what they asked for. And guess what that added billion is earmarked for?

Manpoj: Tanaka paste for their faces?

Sintax: No, miss comedian, it's all going to pay for Shin Satellite goodies.

Manpoj: Really? That's great. Oh, and I heard that pesky American is still clamoring to do a lawsuit against you. I thought you got rid of that farang months ago.

Sintax: Pesky is too nice a word for him. He just doesn't get it. He can't understand that now that I'm the PM, little guys like him don't have an ice cube's chance in hell to trouble me. He's going to sing the same tired old song; that he and I were partners, and then I wrenched the business away from him without giving him any compensation. Boo hoo hoo. That's business buddy. If you don't want to play tough, then don't try playing with the big boys. Go back to playing with your Raggedy Ann and Ken dolls.

Manpoj: Ok dear, that's enough. Don't kick a man when he's down.

Sintax: Why not? (chuckling).

Manpoj: I didn't know you were so mean.

Sintax: I'm a lean mean machine.

Manpoj: I can agree with the mean part. Hey, did you hear about the property purchase? I got it – for a song. No problem, except some of the other bidders are probably angry, but they didn't say anything if they were.

Sintax gets a call on his mobile phone. His face brightens in to a big grin, he hangs up: We got it. Tease is in on the purchase of Shin.

Manpoj: Who was that on the phone?

Sintax: That was our genius attorney. All the pieces are coming together perfectly. He says no taxes.

Manpoj: He was actually able to do that?

Sintax: Yes. I told you we were geniuses. I asked him to arrange the whole thing so that there would be no taxes. At first he said he wasn't sure we could do it that way. I insisted, and told him about some other people I knew who did that. I gave him the phone number of our mystery friend in Malaysia.

Manpoj: Really, no taxes? Not even to the offshores?

Sintax: Right. All the pieces are fitting together perfectly. We got the offshore dummy corporations, we got the kids and other family members to take shares, we got protected by Singapore business shelters, ....we're all geniuses.

Manpoj: And rich geniuses as well.

Sintax: You bet your sweet bippy.

Manpoj: What does that mean?

Sintax: Go ask the Bangladeshi gardener, he'll take you behind the pool shed and show you what a 'sweet bippy' is. (laughter)

Ezmerelda, who just came down the stairs, shouts from the next room: Dad, that sounds sick.

\- laughter all around -

10. Coup De Villain

Sintax: I hate this feeling of being cornered.

Papbong: What, am I your psychiatrist now? You should pay me my wages as your attorney, and additional wages as your therapist.

Sintax: Ha ha, I get it. But seriously now, the Dems knew they couldn't win an election after I dissolved parliament, so they chose to not field any candidates. Now they accuse me of fielding false candidates in order to make some of the regional elections legitimate.

Papbong: And you're asking me...... what? Do you want me to just side with you, or....?

Sintax: Ok, for the sake of working this out, I'm asking you, right now, to play the devil's advocate.

Papbong: .....you could say I'm already the devil's advocate. Advocate is the British term for attorney, and I work for you, ...get it?

Sintax: Ok, ha ha, very witty. But really, I'm trying to get a handle on what's going on. There are a lot of factions working now against me. Not least are rumors of a coup.

Papbong: Uh huh.

Sintax: What's uh huh mean? Does that mean you've heard those rumors also, or are you just going along with everything I say, or are you just clearing your throat?

Papbong: It means I've also heard those rumors.

Sintax: Who's been talking about it?

Papbong: Well actually, I heard it indirectly through you. I was talking with a top general this morning, and he said he had been playing golf with you the day before, and you had all the top brass out there walking around the golf course,

Sintax: ....riding in our carts.

Papbong: Whatever. And you were asking each general about the possibilities of a coup. So that's how I heard about it, but I didn't hear anyone talk about it as if they were planning it. How do you gauge their responses?

Sintax: It's hard to tell. Obviously, each general is going to say he wouldn't dream of joining a coup. What else can they say, when they're talking to me. But I could sense some wavering in there. Nothing tangible, but more like how a general would smile and laugh nervously, or how some would avert having eye contact when I pressed them on the subject – things like that.

Papbong: Did you offer any incentives.

Sintax: Like?

Papbong: Like promotions or dividends, you know what I mean.

Sintax: Well sure, but there are only so many top positions. I can't put everyone at the top of the heap. I've already got my police academy buddies at as many top posts in the police force as possible. I think the Police are cool with me. It's the Army that spooks me. I mean, I can offer villas and trips to European Alps and that, but they're already rich enough, they can do those things on their own if they want. All of them already have unlimited first class tickets with Thai Airways for them and their family and friends.

Papbong: Yea, it's a wonder Thai Airways can make any money, when they give away so many first class seats.

Sintax: So I'm thinking of worst case scenario. I mean, I've got to be realistic here. I'm a caretaker prime minister,

Papbong: .....and your time is fast drying up to where you have to do something to get legitimate again to even stay on as caretaker.

Sintax: Yea, thanks, but no thanks for reminding me how tenuous my situation is right now. I already announced, when the next election rolls around, I won't stand for Prime Minister.

Papbong: Do you think anyone believes that? Do you even believe that?

Sintax: People have to respect what I say and not spend so much energy thinking about whether the things I say are true or not. I'm their leader, dammit. Anyhow, I've got most of the major newspapers tracking me like bloodhounds, trying to catch me on the slightest glitch, and then blowing them up like I'm Saddam Hussein.

Papbong: And PAD is a drag.

Sintax: Well yes, of course. They're the 900 pound gorilla in the kitchen. And damn that Sondhi. He really stabbed me in the back, didn't he? We used to be ok with each other, but then I mentioned something about him owing a bunch of money, and then he turned on me like a hungry ghost. Now he's got all those elitist puppets eating out of his hand. And it's become this big hate campaign against me – trying to drag me down. Well it won't work. I won't let a bunch of people with rattles take me down. What is Seh Dang doing?

Papbong: He's prancing around with his guns and grenades as usual.

Sintax: What a knob – but a useful knob.

Papbong: You heard about his commanding officer assigning him to be an aerobics teacher?

Sintax: Yes, and Seh Daeng came right back and told them he would be leading aerobics with a grenade in each hand. Funny fellow, in a twisted sort of way. Anyhow, get a message to him, but keep me out of the loop. Tell him he can cut loose with some ammo on the yellow shirted mob that are occupying Government House. Tell him, no matter what he unleashes, the cops won't be able to find a thing. I don't want any deaths – just some commotion to take the steam out of Sondhi and his elite squadrons. Daeng has access to grenades and supposedly knows how to use them, doesn't he?

Papbong: I could say yes to that, but I don't want to have any involvement.

Sintax: Yea, I should be more like you. Distance myself from everything that could come back to trip me up. What's the latest on that old man at the department store?

Papbong: He's ok. We paid 530 baht for his bandages. He didn't get knocked around too badly.

Sintax: I don't care about his bruises, I'm concerned there might be some legal problems for my guys who roughed him up – which could wind up looking bad for me.

Papbong: We're taking care of that. Your bodyguards won't get any flack, and it certainly won't reflect badly on you.

Sintax: Well, the toothpaste is already out of the tube, and we can't put it back. You and I might think it was just a routine protection thing, but the press have blown it up like my bodyguards were roughing up an old man for speaking against me in public.

Papbong: Well it certainly looked that way, sir.

Sintax: Sometimes I wonder whose side you're on. Anyhow, let's move on. About the possibility of a coup; You know I'm going to Finland and then to New York. With all the problems in Bangkok, with PAD and the others who hate me, things could come to a boil.

Papbong: I don't think so sir, I think the Army is loyal to you and......

Sintax: Look. A coup may not happen, but I want to be prepared – especially for my family. So just to be on the safe side, I'm packing a lot of suitcases. If it doesn't happen this time, then fine – I'll just leave the suitcases in a safe place overseas, and come back to Bangkok, and slog it out with my enemies, and place friends in high places like usual (tense laughter).

So I'm packing a bunch of suitcases, and I want a plane ready on the tarmac for my family at all times. I want it fully fueled and loaded with everything they might need. They can fly to Hong Kong or to Australia or to Singapore. They'll probably want to fly to London because that's some of the best shopping (chuckles). I guess if they fly to London they'll have to refuel somewhere like the Middle East – Dubai or somewhere, I'll let the pilot work out the details. Who is the pilot by the way?

Papbong: He's trustworthy.

Sintax: That's a pretty slick plane, don't you think – the way we fixed it up inside. The slickest part is the way we got Thai taxpayers to pay billions of baht for what is essentially a customized private jumbo jet.....

Papbong: For you and your family.

Sintax: I take friends along once in awhile, you know that. So, you say the pilot and co-pilot are cool, but do another in-depth check on them. They're not Muslim are they?

Papbong: No sir, why do you ask?

Sintax: Well, maybe I'm paranoid, but I can't help but think of that Egypt Air crash in the Atlantic. You heard about that? Jumbo jet full of people - the pilot turned off the auto-pilot, then waited until the co-pilot left the cab, then pushed the controls in to full dive – right straight down to the ocean.

Papbong: Yes I heard. And the flight recorder heard him say, 'God is Great' the whole time. When the Egyptians were asked to investigate, they simply said, "He had once done a pilgrimage to Mecca, so it was impossible that he could have done something like that."

Sintax: Oh, and what about the security people at the airport?

Papbong: You mean upon leaving Thailand.

Sintax: No, dummy. No one will ever give me or my family trouble when leaving Thailand. I'm wondering if there will be any searches and stuff when we get to a farang airport. What's London like?

Papbong: Because it's a private jet, I assume there won't be any checking. Now if you're boarding, there will likely be a check for bombs and weapons.

Sintax: Why a Czech and not a Bulgarian?

Papbong: What?

Sintax: Just kidding. Well let's not assume too much. I want facts – so get one of your people to check it out first thing in the morning – but do it discreetly, we don't want to raise too many eyebrows.

Papbong: Yes sir. Do you plan to take cash out of the country?

Sintax: What do you think? Of course.

Papbong: Well, there is a limit on cash and valuables that a person can take out of Thailand.

Sintax: I'm not 'a person,' I'm an entity, I'm the prime minister. If I want to take the Emerald Buddha out of Thailand, I could. Ok, I'm joking about the Buddha. But, get real man. I've got nearly 50 of the largest suitcases I could find, and Manpoj and the kids have at least a hundred, and we're not going to fill them with bottles of whitening cream. Well maybe the girls will, (laughter).

Papbong: Yes, and TV gossip tabloids.

Sintax: So, like I say, don't get blown away if you see me leaving with enough oversized suitcases for the Mongol Army.

Papbong: Suit yourself, or dare I say; suitcase yourself.

11. Ink by the Barrel

\- International airport terminal. Elm and his sister Ezmerelda are waiting in a transit restaurant. They're on their way to Biarritz Switzerland for a shopping spree. They overhear a conversation at an adjoining table. It's a young couple, the woman is Nancy, an American photographer for a news magazine, and her boyfriend Golf, is a krung luk (half Thai, half farang), and works as a reporter for a Thai newspaper. They're discussing a newspaper article they're reading – and their conversation is overheard by Elm and Ezmerelda at the next table -

Golf: You have to understand, it's a sensitive subject in Thailand. Everybody loves the royal family.

Nancy: Don't talk to me like I just hatched out of an egg. I know that, duh, Golf. I just want to get to up to Chiang Mai where the poster is, and take a photo of it, that's all. From what I've heard about it, the picture will speak for itself – will hardly need any caption. I mean, Sintax dressed in Royal robes, what an image.

\- From the adjoining table, Ezmerelda has been listening in, and can't help but comment when she hears her father's name mentioned: Excuse me. Sorry for overhearing, but do you mind if I ask what is it you're talking about?

Golf: Oh, no big deal. My girlfriend here heard about a big poster on a highway, and....

Nancy: Let me tell it. You know Sintax, the PM of Thailand?

Ezmerelda: Yes, I know him rather well.

Nancy: Well, a friend of mine in Chiang Mai emailed me last night and told me about a giant poster of him she saw. Oh, I should tell you, I'm a news photographer and my significant other here......

Golf: What am I?

Nancy: Ok, my boyfriend is a reporter for Thai Rat newspaper. Anyway, this friend told me about a giant poster on the highway of Sintax, and get this; he was dressed in royal robes and holding auspicious items like a scepters and diplomas, and all that.

Ezmerelda: Really. I hadn't heard of that.

Nancy: Well, no reason why you should, I guess.

Elm: Hi, I'm her brother. I heard of it. (Elm talks in hushed tones to his sister) It's independent TRT people in some provinces. I guess they photoshopped a royal photo, put Mr. Sintax's head on it, and spread it around. (turning to the other couple) Mr. Sintax wouldn't give an order for that.

Nancy: You act like it's something you'd know about personally – I mean whether Sintax would give an order like that or not. Do you work with TRT?

Elm: No, not really, just an assumption from knowing something about what they do.

Golf: Well I think it's daft for Nancy to travel all the way up from Bangkok to Chiang Mai just to get a photo. (turning to Nancy) Can't your friend just take a photo and send it to you as an email attachment?

Nancy: Yea, I guess she could, but it's an excuse for me to go there, and there are other things I want to do up there. (turning back to the group); Did you hear Sintax handed out a 1,000 baht note to a little old lady, while out campaigning in the country?

Ezmerelda: You got a problem with that?

Nancy: No, not really, but for someone who is so filthy rich, to hand out a 1,000 baht with all the cameras flashing – I don't know, it looks like grandstanding to me.

Golf: Hey, that's just a little thing. You know the heaps of money that Sintax gives to village headmen...?

Nancy: Right, the village headmen who get the vote for him.

Golf: Well, I just read that the money comes from lottery proceeds.

Elm: Money from lottery is supposed to get channeled to poor people in need.

Golf: Sure, that's what we're told to believe. But even so, there must be guidelines for dispersing the money. I mean, we're talking about billions of baht. Instead, the article says there's a group of three men who are in charge of dispersing the lottery proceeds, and guess who's in charge of that 3 person troika?

Elm: Something tells me you're going to say 'Sintax.'

Golf: Right. And guess who goes around the countryside, handing out money to village headmen who get the most votes for him?

Elm: Now wait a minute. Are you saying the Prime Minister uses lottery money to pay for votes?

Nancy: We're not saying he necessarily uses lottery proceeds to directly pay for votes, though he may do that, as he seems to do everything else underhanded. No, I think Golf is saying he rewards sectors of the population which vote the strongest for him, while....

Ezmerelda: Well, he is a politician. Don't you think a politician should reward voters?

Nancy: There are two sides to everything. If a politician rewards those who vote for him with money hand-outs, then by the same token he's probably withholding money from those people and places which didn't give him a lot of votes.

Ezmerelda: You don't know that. All your assumptions are just that; assumptions. How do you get your nebulous information? The Prime Minister represents all Thais. He doesn't play favorites.

Golf: Sounds good, but it doesn't fit with the reality we see on the ground.

Elm, getting intense: Do you believe everything you read in newspapers? Does it occur to you that most Thai newspapers are doing all they can to try and dig dirt on the Prime Minister?

Golf: Ok, chill my man. Maybe you're right. Maybe the truth is entirely different, and it's simply newspaper writers like me who got it all wrong. You look kind of familiar, are you related to Sintax in some way?

Elm: Just a coincidence. People say that to me all the time. Are you Thai?

Golf: I'm half Thai. My mother is Thai and my dad is Australian.

Elm: Well, if you're half Thai, then maybe you should be at least halfway trusting of the Prime Minister who was elected by the Thai people.

Nancy: Really?

Golf: Nancy, it's ok, cool your horses. (to Elm) It's clear you like what Sintax is doing. We may not agree, but it's ok to agree to disagree. I judge a man by his actions and the results of his actions. It doesn't matter whether he's Thai or Bulgarian or a martian from the outer rings of Lepton.

Nancy: A martian would be from Mars, dearest.

Golf: Whatever, but you get my drift. We hear so much of the bad things Sintax does.

Ezmerelda: Maybe that's what newspapers print, because it sells papers. People want to hear sensationalist stuff.

Golf: I know. Newspapers would go broke if they just reported mundane events. But still, day after day, there are such streams of unflattering things coming down the tubes about Sintax. I mean, it can't all be sensationalist crap?

Ezmerelda: Yes it can.

Golf: Ok, you just trashed my profession, but that's ok. Maybe I'll change jobs and become a producer of violent films that give kids nightmares and vicious thoughts.

Ezmerelda: Where did that come from?

Nancy: He gets like that sometimes – goes off on a weird tangent that nobody understands. Well, he's a newspaper reporter, what do you expect. (laughter)

Golf (getting up from his seat): We gotta go. Interesting talking with you two. Are you sure you're not related to Sintax? I could swear I saw someone who looks just like you in a newspaper photo the other day – and it was, what's his name, Sintax's son.....?

Nancy: Elm.

Elm: Huh?

Nancy: That's the name of Sintax's son.

Ezmerelda: But like you say, you saw the photo in a newspaper, and we've already established that you can't believe all you see and read in a newspaper - (ripples of chuckles lilt around). Bye, see you.

Just after Nancy and Golf have left, Ezmerelda asks Elm: Why do you refer to dad in the third person?

Elm: I could ask you the same thing – why didn't you come out and tell that farang couple that Sintax is our father?

Ezmerelda: I think we both know the answer. We don't want to get too much exposure. Could be dangerous if the wrong people find out we're milling around in regular places.

Elm: Plus, it's interesting to hear what other people think about dad, when they don't know we're connected with him.

Ezmerelda: Yea, even if others are so wrong and mean.

Elm: Yea, they just don't know daddy like we do.

12. All Couped Up with Every Place To Go

The Premier from Upper Sloboskia is on a friendship tour of Asia, and decides to drop by the Upper Sloboskian embassy in Bangkok, and speak with the Ambassador.

Ambassador: Mr. Prime Minister, what a pleasant surprise.

Premier: Please Peter, just call me Olaf.

Ambassador: Is it still storming in Upper Sloboskia?

Premier: What do I look like, the weatherman?

Ambassador: No, the weatherman here wears a skirt and is a lot cuter than you.

Premier: ....And about a tenth my weight. Speaking of that, I had a Thai massage last night. I think the girl was a masochist. She would pry her fingers in to my flesh, and then ask me 'chep mai?'

Ambassador: 'Chep mai' means 'does it hurt?'

Premier: I know, I figured it out awhile later, but not until the girl kept torturing me while smiling devilishly.

Ambassador: Perhaps you mean deliciously.

Premier: I was going to get to that. After the massage, she went for my family jewels. I thought, 'no wonder Thailand is such a popular tourist destination.' Perhaps we should do some studies on this, and maybe improve tourist numbers going to Upper Sloboskia.'

Ambassador: I thought you were going to say she put pain to your sausage in order to extort money from you.

Premier: She could have extorted Sloboskia's crown jewels, the way she was working me over – with that little smile of hers – wowie zowie – I almost gave her my ATM card with the pin number. So, tell me about this Sintax character. We keep hearing about him doing this and doing that, and now this coup d'état. Is this country an on-going soap drama or what?

Ambassador: The coup was bloodless, and not a soldier or policeman or citizen raised any fuss at all.

Premier: I know, it was almost as if they all just took it in stride, like an afternoon gust of wind.

Ambassador: Mai pen rai.

Premier: Your pen writes .....what?

Ambassador: 'Mai pen rai' is the Thai expression for 'whatever.' You hear it all the time. Actually, it means a thousand things, but 'whatever' fits their reaction to the coup. Sort of like typecasting Mexicans as always saying 'manana.'

Premier: Or typecasting Upper Sloboskians as always saying, 'so we have no pickled pig's feet, let's eat sheep eyeballs instead.'

Ambassador: Something like that. So what about Sintax do you want to know?

Premier: Well I heard he had his laptop computer stolen at a coffee shop, while his bodyguards were standing around. I wonder if the thief knew what he had.

Ambassador: The thief probably figured he had a laptop, and just sold the damn thing for 30 Euros. Would have been interesting to have seen what was in there.

Premier: Well, let's see. There's so much about the man that's enigmatic. For starters, he was in New York when the coup happened, then he flew to London. They say he had truckloads of cash and jewels, what do you think he's planning?

Ambassador: I heard he's planning to buy a Premier League football team. He wanted Liverpool, but couldn't get them, so he looks to be opting for Manchester City.

Premier: What does he know about running a football team?

Ambassador: Probably about as much as he knows about running a country. He'll likely run it in to the ground, alienate all the other staffers, and then sell it and go on to some other diversion.

Premier: Well, at least you can grant that he's a smart businessman – or perhaps canny is a better way to describe him. I mean anyone who can arrange a multimillion dollar business transaction and not pay a penny of tax is rather savvy, I'd venture to say.

Ambassador: I'd say the word 'lucky' fits better than 'savvy.' Until he was nearly forty years old, all of his half dozen business ventures were failures. It wasn't until he was able to get an exclusive 20 year license concession from a government corporation, that he hit the jackpot.

Premier: Sounds like from that point on, his fortunes skyrocketed. Pretty smart businessman, if you ask me.

Ambassador: Sintax didn't always take his smart pills each morning. There's a story that while he was PM, he got word that there was a giant surplus of unsold fruit.

Premier: Apples, pears?

Ambassador: No, some local thing, starts with an 'L' – lamyai or longan – some berry that grows on trees, doesn't matter. So there's tons of this fruit about to rot, and Sintax gets this great idea; Let's ship it out to Thai embassies around the world.

Premier: Really? No.

Ambassador: So he orders the military to use their large bodied jets to fly the nearly rotten fruit to a bunch of embassies and consulates – and directs embassy staff to go out and peddle the fruit – either that, or eat it themselves.

Premier: Waste not, want not.

Ambassador: Yes, but do you see the ridiculousness of burning tons of jet fuel to ship fruit out to people who probably don't even want the stuff?

Premier: Of course. But do his people have to obey every nutzoid order of his?

Ambassador: Well, there's another twist to the story. Years later, someone found warehouses with tons of the fruit inside. Because so much time had gone by, the fruit was moldy to such a degree it became a toxic hazard.

Premier: Do you think it was the same fruit that was supposed to get jetted around the world?

Ambassador: I don't know, but get this: the moldy fruit was said to be so hazardous that authorities said it couldn't simply be dumped in a big ditch somewhere. It had to be dealt with like hazardous waste, and only one company bid on doing the job and, surprise, it was hundreds of millions of baht contract.

Premier: The contractor was probably connected to Sintax, or the people who first stored the stuff.

Ambassador: Could be, but come on, hundreds of millions of baht to dispose of rotten fruit. I mean, they could have paid me a fraction of that. I'd dig a big ditch somewhere nearby, and dump the nasty stuff in there and cover it with soil. Instant compost.

Premier: Yes, but you're from Upper Sloboskia, where people use their brains to think. You're not from Thailand where people are told how to think. Well actually, now that I think about it, the company which got the big fat contract probably paid 1% to dispose of the gnarly stuff, and then put the remaining 99% of the government money in their pockets – so maybe they're not so dumb after all. They probably did the job in 3 days, and then all went off to vacation for ten months with the tens of millions of baht profit.

Ambassador: Well, not 99% in the contractors' pockets. There's got to be a fat share for the government people who put out the contract. Welcome to the Thai way of doing things. And it's no wonder the poor stay poor, and the rich keep getting richer. And the biggest irony in all this, as it relates to Sintax, is that he's fabulously rich yet he's got millions of dirt poor people thinking he cares about them. Well, perhaps he does care about the little people – but only as far as he can use them to get back total power and start printing money for himself again. And every so often he'll announce, "That's it, I'm done with politics" - what a joker.

Premier: Ok, enough ranting about him. What do we know about his travel plans? Do you think he'll come to Sloboskia, and if so what the heck do we do with him?

Ambassador: Wherever he goes, he promises heaps of money to the leaders, and winds up getting a passport.

Premier: Well, if he wants to dump heaps of money in my lap, I think I could get the Foreign office to issue him a passport. Isn't that what happened for Sintax in Nicaragua?

Ambassador: The Nicaraguans not only gave him a passport, Ortega personally gave him a diplomatic passport with gold embossed lettering.

Premier: Jeez sweet Mary, mother of God.

Ambassador: And then, a week later, Sintax ran off to Liberia to deal in diamonds – and got another passport.

Premier: "You mean 'blood diamonds,' like in the movie with DiCaprio?

Ambassador: We don't know if they were actually 'blood' diamonds. I don't think even Sintax would be that stupid - to publicly announce buying diamonds, if it were found out they mined by children whose limbs were hacked off. And then a month later he went to Uganda and then Fiji – probably getting passports there also.

Premier: Promising heaps of money there too? What can you exploit in Fiji – is he going to corner the seashell market?

Ambassador: Maybe the rights to satellite space over the Pacific. You know satellite slots are getting rarer all the time.

Premier: And what about Dubai and, what's that little place between Italy and Yugoslavia?

Ambassador: Montenegro.

Premier: Isn't that where those car thieves took my car?

Ambassador: Yes, that's where we found your limousine. Among other things, Montenegro has a reputation for being the depot for stolen cars from all over Europe.

Premier: And I heard he's buying an island there?

Ambassador: Apparently. It's a chunk of rock with a tiny strip of sand they call a beach, and the whole place is without fresh water.

Premier: So, if he doesn't want to shower or cook with sea water, he's got to bring water in by boat every day.

Ambassador: Either that, or build a pipeline to bring it in.

Premier: Or an aqueduct – that would be more suitable for that part of the world.

Ambassador: You asked about Dubai. He bought some real estate there, and a few months later, its value plummeted. I heard he also bought a part of that offshore silliness called "The World" The rumor is he bought a little heap of sand called 'Thailand' for a small fortune, but it's probably just a rumor.

Premier: Don't knock it. Just 2 months ago I instructed our parliament to buy the sand dune called Eastern Europe – we were going to build a casino there, but funding didn't get approved.

Ambassador: Good thing, because our little sand island would be worth about as much as.....

Premier: ......about as much as a little sand island.

Ambassador: So, you've probably heard, the top napkin head in Dubai has asked Sintax to stop broadcasting speeches to Thailand. Because of that, Sintax appears to be getting more comfy in Montenegro.

Premier: Montenegro has no extradition treaty with Thailand, and their top bananas have about as much moral turpitude as a bottle of turpentine.

Ambassador: .....about as much scruples as a scrabble game with dimples.

Premier: Should be right at home for Sintax. Birds of a feather flock together.

Ambassador: Bats all shit in the same cave.

Premier: Whew, what do we do if Sintax decides to travel to Upper Sloboskia?

Ambassador: I think we should let him in, for as long as it takes for him to promise us a big heap of money.

Premier: About ten minutes?

Ambassador: Right, and make sure we get the money right then and there - don't allow him to slip us any IOU's. Then, with cash in hand, we politely show him the door.

Premier: Bye, bye, Mr. Ex-PM Sintax. Oh, and your Upper Sloboskian passport will be in the mail soon - wherever you are – Federal Express will find you.

Ambassador: More correctly, he was ex-caretaker PM when he was ousted, and even that status of 'caretaker' was nearly at its expiration date.

Premier: So if the coup makers had waited another two weeks, we could formally address him as 'The Honorable Expired Ex-Caretaker Prime Minister of Thailand'

Ambassador: Either that, or we could take a page from Prince, and call him, 'The Scoundrel Formally Known as Sintax.'

13. Two Bugs Meet in a Bar, the First One Says....

Sintax enters the judge's private office. He's carrying a small sheaf of papers. He looks at the framed photos on the walls, some of which include himself and his family members. He recognizes nearly everyone in the dozens of photos, who are posing with the dignified-looking female judge. He is also looking for 'bugs' – listening devices and hidden cameras, and any clandestine ways that someone might be observing or listening to what goes on in that office.

Sintax: Your honor, I'd like your permission to take a short leave.

Judge: What's this 'your honor' stuff? You can call me Judge Porn.

Sintax: Ok, Judge Porn, I promised my family I would take them to the Beijing Olympics, and I'd hate to let them down. They're really looking forward to it. Are there any bugs in this office?

Judge: I beg your pardon.

Sintax: You know; listening devices or cameras. Where's your mobile phone – do you mind if I take a look around your desk?

Judge: I can promise you there aren't any bugs in this office – of the kind you're referring to. There may be a cockroach sitting nearby, but there are no nefarious electronic devices, of that you can be sure.

Sintax: I saw a cockroach in the stairwell of my hotel last night.

Judge: Thanks for sharing. Now, to the real issue of why you're here, my answer is: I don't believe I can grant leave for you. Both you and your wife have been found guilty of serious legal offenses, and there would be hell to pay if the wrong people found out I let you go off on a holiday.

Sintax: Now wait a minute. Ok, calm calm (speaking to himself). We go back a ways. You were sitting with me and the Finance Minister when we got word from him privately, that he was going to float the baht the next day. We both immediately bought lots of dollars, and we both got a lot richer overnight - when the baht lost half its value in the next few days.

Judge: Why are you telling me this? But yes, of course I remember, but you cashed out a lot more Baht than I did. Even so, I hope you're keeping that little story secret, because it would trash both our reputations if it went public.

Sintax: My reputation has already been dragged through the mud, my dear. I don't have much face left to lose. You, however, have maintained an upstanding reputation through the years.

Judge: Well, voting to excuse you for hiding your assets with your chauffer – was a big jolt in the road for my reputation.

Sintax: Well, we won that one, didn't we. We successfully used the 'honest mistake' line, and you got a big new house with a swimming pool. So I'd say we all came away winners on that.

Judge: There you go again. I dearly wish you would not bring such things up that would tarnish my reputation.

Sintax: Don't worry, this conversation is just between you and me. What we say, stays here in this room – assuming you have no electronic bugs.

Judge: So, you want to trip on off to Beijing for a couple weeks?

Sintax: Yes. Me and my family.

Judge: As simple as that - as if you're prancing off on a family picnic - and you're promising to return to Thailand, when the Olympics are over?

Sintax: That's what I'm saying, yes.

Judge: Wait a moment. What do you mean, "That's what I'm saying.'? Are you, or are you not intending to return after your romp at the Olympics?

Sintax: Look, let's not beat around the bush here. You and I both know I don't want to return, and my wife is even more adamant about staying away. I'm saying I will return because that's what I'm supposed to say in this situation. If I don't return, it's not going to look bad for you – it will only look bad for me. I've got a lot of enemies here in Thailand. A lot of people are gathered around salivating, and wanting to kick me while I'm down. Maybe they're jealous of how rich I am, I don't know and I don't really care. I just know that while I was in the PM's chair, I had a power structure around me, so I could keep my enemies at bay.

Judge: Didn't help you when the Army took over.

Sintax: Ok, you got me on that one. But I was consolidating power at every level, at every post. Given a bit more time, no one could have touched me – no police, no military,....

Judge: Well, maybe the Yellow shirts.

Sintax: There you've got it. Hit the nail on the head. It was the Yellows who represented the elite and powerful families. It was Sondhi and the others stirring up the dummies in the audience, all shaking their rattles. That's what I couldn't control. I tried dealing with Sondhi, but when I mentioned how he hadn't paid back a big loan, that's when he went off the deep end. One minute he seemed to be alright, even praising me in public, the next minute he was stabbing me in the back.

Judge: Sounds like a Shakespearian drama.

Sintax: Well it is, in a way. So anyway, how can I convince you to sign this paper? Airport security says they won't allow me out without a top judge's approval.

Judge: What can you do to reciprocate the favor?

Sintax: Alright, there you go, talking my language – that's what I like to hear. What do you need? Not a kidney, I trust. I need both of mine.

Judge: No, not a kidney. How about you pull some strings to get my son in to Rajpaj Medical school?

Sintax: Consider it done. I know the director there. What's her phone number – I'll call her right now.

Judge: Well, be informed, that my son's not the sharpest tool in the tool shed.

Sintax: No matter, he could have the IQ of a carrot, and I could get him in.

Judge: Plus, I'd like a silver Lexus with a sunroof, and a second swimming pool – for my guest house in back.

Sintax: Look, if it's about money, don't worry about it. Just give me a ballpark number, and you'll get the money. Now don't squeeze to hard here, I'm only asking for a signature.

Judge: You're asking for freedom for you and your wife.

Sintax: Ok, what's the magic number? Wait don't say it. I'll get ten big ones to you by tomorrow noon.

Judge: Twenty.

Sintax: Ok Twenty, but don't push your luck. Is that guest house with the new pool going to be available for me, when I come back to Thailand in triumph – before moving back in to the Prime Minister's residence?

Judge: Don't bank on it.

14. With Sweetener Added

Sintax: They got jail time?

Papbong: Yes.

Sintax: All three?

Papbong: Yes sir, all three, got six months – six months each.

Sintax: That's rough. Who sentenced them, we should give him a call.

Papbong: Sir, I don't think that would do us any good. Maybe they'll get time taken off – leniency or something.

Sintax: How can they give six months for such a little thing like bringing money in to a Justice's office and putting it on a table. I told them I didn't know anything about it. Why doesn't anyone believe me? Did we counter-sue?

Papbong: Sir, first off, it was your attorneys who got busted, not you. Plus, who would we counter-sue - The justice who's secretary opened the cake box? Are we going to sue the lady secretary for opening a box and finding money inside?

Sintax: I guess you're right. But we could sue them for framing it all up to make me look bad – a defamation sort of thing.

Papbong: Quite honestly sir, it wouldn't stick.

Sintax: Damn, why were those lawyers of mine so inept? Why couldn't they simply walk the box in to the judge's office and lay it down on his desk. Why did it take so long for us to fire the lawyer who so stupidly put the box down in front of the secretary?

Papbong: We didn't want that lawyer to get angry at us and spill the beans – so we waited until he was dealt with.

Sintax: You mean shot? That would be a bit harsh.

Papbong: No sir, I don't mean 'dealt with' in that way, I meant 'dealt with' in terms of getting found guilty and sentenced.

Manpoj (who had been standing nearby in the room, leafing a magazine): You know they're calling this whole fiasco Pastrygate?

Papbong: That's not the worst of it. A comedian downtown is using this for material. He's pretending the money was stacked on top of jelly donuts. He does a mime routine where he pretends to eat the donuts, while licking jelly off the paper money and trying to stuff it all in his pocket.

Sintax: Can we shoot the comedian?

Manpoj: What?

Sintax: Just kidding, dear.

Papbong: The comedy routine is really rather funny, with the mime eating some of the money by mistake, and putting sticky donuts in his pocket. (Papbong can't suppress his chuckles).

\- Both Sintax and Manpoj look sternly at Papbong, as he valiantly tries to curb his mirth -

Sintax: Now this divorce thing.

Papbong: Yes, I was going to ask you about that. How do you want to split things?

Sintax: Well you know it's all about finances......

Manpoj: Not really. I'm actually rather fed up with being Mrs. Sintax, and having to stand by you on everything. The press attack me because they can't always get to you. They expect me to know all about your businesses and political posturing and all that crap. I want some distance. I don't want to be hounded because of all the crazy things you do.

Sintax: You don't mind the money, though.

Manpoj: I beg your pardon. My family has plenty of money. I came in to this marriage with money, and I don't need you to provide for me, thank you very much.

Sintax: Oh, then you won't care about getting a piece of the pie if we get divorced.

Manpoj: I didn't say that. I'm only going to ask for what's rightfully mine as a divorced woman.

Papbong: People please. Let's try to keep this on track. I'm not concerned with emotional things. I'm only here to facilitate the money and custody arrangements. The more you two agree on those things, the easier my job.

Sintax: We've talked about custody, and there's no big issue there. The kids are nearly independent now, so they can travel to and fro when they like. As for the money and houses and stock dividends, well, ummm....

Papbong: And where do you plan to file this? You can't do it in Thailand.

Sintax: Not sure, but we can get someone to submit the divorce papers for us there?

Papbong: I have an idea. Since Thai embassies and consulates are like a little part of Thailand overseas, you could go hypothetically go to any of those places. Indeed, you could do it right here in Hong Kong.

\- Sintax and Manpoj look at each other, as if seeing one another in a different light -

Manpoj: You mean we could just walk in the local consulate and wrap this up?

Papbong: Yes, if you both so chose.

Manpoj: What if we got arrested?

Papbong: Arrested for what - wanting a divorce? Oh, I see what you're saying. Because you both have warrants in Thailand, you're concerned that....

Manpoj: ....yes, that some official, or security guard will get ordered to arrest us – if we are indeed on Thai jurisdiction when we're at that place.

Sintax: Whoa, slow down. Nobody is going to arrest anybody. First off, we're not going to give any advance notice. We're just going to show up. Secondly, who the hell is going to put cuffs on us? One of the staff? The sergeant at Arms? Come on, get real. A few months ago, they all worked for me – and even now they're all scared shitless of me. If I just looked at them sideways, they would cringe on the floor like naughty doggies. Not a worry in the world about that. We just walk in unannounced, Papbong and a couple bodyguards will be with us, we already have the papers filled out, ...what's next?

Papbong: Like you say, we'll have the papers filled out, and simply submit them.

Manpoj: Do my husband and I even have to go? Why can't you just in with the papers we filled out – and submit them?

Papbong: Because people might not believe it, or think it's a ruse. It's best if we all go in together.

Sintax: How could anyone think anything I do is a ruse?

Manpoj: Ahhh, do you want an honest answer to that?

Sintax: No dear. I was only kidding.

Papbong: So back to the nuts and bolts. You two should sit down and list everything you own – then try to hammer out an agreement - with who gets what.

Manpoj: Actually, the divorce is mostly a show, and the money and assets won't change much from when we were married. The divorce is mainly to give me a buffer, if my husband gets successfully sued or gets more assets frozen or gets thrown in jail.

Sintax: I beg your pardon?

Manpoj: Am just being realistic, dear. In case you forgot, there's a whole government who wants to put you and me in the clinker. Meanwhile you keep sending money to those Red Shirt leaders, getting them to rile up the masses. I don't want to be all meshed up with that just because I'm your wife.

Sintax: Well, you're in the thick of it whether you like it or not. Life is not like a remote control, where you can just tap it, and change the channel when it gets a little uncomfortable. If I get the PM's chair back, and get the billions unfrozen – whether the Reds shirts assist with that or not – if I get all that back, you're sure going to want to be there by my side when that happens.

Manpoj: Maybe, maybe not. Don't push you pompous self-aggrandizing speeches on me. I know you too well.

Papbong: Folks, let's stay focused. Now this is your homework. Go sit down somewhere quiet together. Turn off your mobile phones, and focus on how you want to split things up. If you don't want to make any changes, that's fine with me. I'm working for you, so you just tell me how you want the cookie to crumble.

Sintax: I don't think I like the sound of that, 'cookie to crumble' ....there is no cookie crumbling.

Manpoj: Just a figure of speech, Mr. hot head.

Sintax: I'd rather you call me 'hot stuff,' not 'hot head.'

Manpoj: Why, is that what you call your little perfume pants who follows you around on the golf links?

Sintax: Oh ha. I knew you were jealous. I caught you being jealous. Ah hah.

Manpoj: You wish. I quit being jealous with you sometime before Elm was born. I could no more be jealous of who you get nasty with than I could get jealous for, ....I don't know .....for dead Elvis.

Sintax: And what about the boy-toy Serbian you've been seen hanging out with at designer shops in Paris? I saw that photo of you buying him a satellite GPS thingie at Maxim's. Is that so he can position your fat butt when you two get in to heat?

Papbong: People people people, let's keep it civil.

Manpoj: I would apologize for my husband's potty mouth, but there's no excuse for him. He wants to rule the world. If he can't get the world, he'll settle for Southeast Asia, and he'll burn heaven and hell to get it.

Sintax: Good thing you're not my publicist.

Manpoj: Well, I won't be your wife much longer, either.

Sintax: Well, you know what Churchill said.

Manpoj: What did Churchill say?

Sintax: When he was entering parliament, a feisty female adversary of his said, "If I were your wife, I'd put poison in your tea." And he came right back and said, "Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it."

Manpoj: Tea time.

15. Rolexes for Hexes

at airport VIP lounge for those with private jets, somewhere in Europe –

Manpoj: Why did you call me to meet you here?

Sintax: I want you to meet my newest best friend.

Manpoj: Who are we meeting this time?

Sintax: His name is Brussels. He's agreed to represent me in my bid to get my money back.

Manpoj: What does he know?

Sintax: As much as he needs to know.

Manpoj: So, you've been telling him all about payments to the Reds and secret militias fraternizing with them and so on.

Sintax: Why do I need to tell him that stuff? He doesn't need to know about that. Have you heard the latest? Government forces attacked the Reds yesterday evening.

Manpoj: It's all over the international news headlines, how could I miss it? Around 20 dead and scores wounded.

Sintax: Seh Dang and his boys put up a good defense, didn't they?

Manpoj: You mean if killing a colonel with a grenade is considered a good defense.

Sintax: A good offense is the best defense.

Manpoj: Is that something else Churchill said?

Sintax: I don't know who said it. I just said it. Anyway, keep an eye out for this Brussels man. We're supposed to meet here as soon as he gets off the plane.

Manpoj: You said something earlier, on the phone, about needing more Red money.

Sintax: Did I? Oh yes, we need to find more ways to channel funding to our friends.

Manpoj: You mean your friends. You know I don't like most of those thugs.

Sintax: Be nice, ok. They're working hard. It's all part of a big scheme.

Manpoj: Right, to get your hands back on the money.

Sintax: Lighten up, ok. Why so adversarial? Whatever money I get, will benefit you and the kids also.

Manpoj: Speaking of kids; here's Elm. Hi dear, what did you buy?

Elm: Mom, I found some cool watches. I'm sure these aren't fake.

Manpoj: Honey, I have Rolexes and Bulovas in my special drawer. If you wanted a watch you only needed to ask me.

Elm: No problem. I bought all the watches the shop had on display, I don't know, twenty or so. I want to give them out to my friends, and I got Computer Dave this killer watch with depth gauge for diving.

Manpoj: Who's Computer Dave?

Elm: You don't know? (looking at Sintax) – Dad is it ok to tell mom?

Sintax: Fine, fine, no secrets here. (Sintax goes back to fielding a phone call from a female reporter from the Nation newspaper, who happened to get his phone number from a Red Shirt leader she was interviewing.)

Elm: Mom, you gotta meet this guy – he crashes in dad's downstairs apartment, and he's a computer whiz. He's online for hours a day, then he takes breaks at the pool or gets a bite to eat, whatever.

Manpoj: So he's some farang who fixes your father's computers? But why is he living in your father's house? Do we trust him, walking all over the place?

Elm: Everything's cool. He only has access to the downstairs suite – it has its own outside door.

Manpoj: Why is he so special that you're buying him a watch which costs more than most people's cars? Is he your new lover?

Elm: Mom, come on, he's not all that cute. Has a beard. The guy is amazing. He gets on blogs and writes all kinds of things that tell people about the good things dad is about. The amazing thing is, he's got four computers on this giant desk, and he logs in with different user names on each computer. He's got paper notepads on hand to keep tabs on what he's doing.

Manpoj: Notes for what, is he keeping score?

Elm: No. It's like he's got four different personalities online, so he goes from one computer to the next – writing entries in to blogs, and keeping with the personality of each username – so it appears to the reader that there are four different people supporting dad.

Manpoj: What's this blog stuff - is it like getting a blob of gravy on the tablecloth?

Elm: No mom, not quite. A blog is like a discussion group online. There are sites, internet places, where people can sign up and type whatever they want.

Manpoj: Why just a farang for writing in English - aren't there any blogs in Thailand for speaking Thai?

Sintax has just hung up the phone: Ok, the cat's out of the bag. But the short answer is yes. I have a couple bloggers on the ticket in Thailand also. But I want to keep this just between us. So what's he told you about Computer Dave?

Manpoj: Quite a bit. It sounds like you let any new people you meet on the street - move in to your house.

Sintax: Wouldn't you like to know. No, but Computer Dave is good, and I pay him handsomely. He's at the house because I need to constantly coach him, and we bounce ideas off each other. He's quite a bright fellow.

Manpoj: You can call him 'bright' because he agrees with everything you say.

Sintax: No actually, he takes issue with a lot of things, so sometimes I have to tell him, 'look, it's not a question of what's morally right and wrong. This is what needs to be said...,' and so on. Sometimes I have to remind him of who's paying the piper to play the tunes – otherwise he might go soft, and start writing things that would aid my enemies. Hey, I just found out about a woman who works near Brussels's office. Brussels is coaching her. She's doing the same sort of thing Computer Dave is doing, and has really hit the ground running. She's already talking of getting a fifth computer. Brussels just came up with a great new twist to all this: He and his partner Perrier are also writing dozens of letters to newspapers.

Elm: I'm off to shop some more, bye.

Manpoj: You pay him to write to newspapers?

Sintax continues: It's a campaign to boost my image overseas. I don't know if he himself writes the letters, but he's coaching some of his people, and they're using various names. The people who screen the letters at newspapers aren't going to take all the letters submitted, but some are sure to get some published.

Manpoj: And you think all this blogging and letter writing helps your cause?

Sintax: Well, it can't hurt. There's a rule of thumb that figures for each newspaper letter published – represents a certain segment of people, maybe 50,000, depending on the size of the paper's circulation. So when people read that letter, maybe they don't know about that statistic, but they may be influenced to think that a lot of people are thinking that same sort of thing.

Manpoj: So we're just talking about farang writers. What about Thais writers to influence what's going on in Thailand?

Sintax: We've got a few in Thailand. However, I'm a bit concerned that one of the Thai bloggers might spill the beans if they get caught.

Manpoj: Get caught doing what – it's not against the law to write things on the internet is it?

Sintax: No, the concern is that word might get out that they're being paid by me to write all these blog entries – and that wouldn't look good for me.

Manpoj: Well, you just deny it, as you do everything else. Plus, if they're Thai, they know you can get to their families, so that alone should stifle any ideas they might get - to cast you in a bad light.

Sintax: Lot of turn-over with the bloggers though. They start off seeming to get the right idea, then after blogging for a bit, they start questioning me too much, or they just want to leave.

Manpoj: Are you saying some see through your ruses?

Sintax: If they don't toe the line, we let them go, but we make them sign a confidentiality paper, prior to starting work, in which they promise never to tell anyone what they do, or whether they're getting paid.

Manpoj: Well, you just need to shuttle the payments through other channels, as you do with so many other things. You're not paying them much, are you?

Sintax: I'm paying them peanuts. But you're right, I've got to tighten up the operation, so there's no trace on payments. The glitch is they need me to coach what they say.

Manpoj: Simple fix; just get someone as a go-between. Why do I need to be here? I'm going to look in the shops – bye.

Sintax: Take a bodyguard – you've got a lot of body to guard.

Manpoj: What?

Sintax: Just kidding dear - just seeing whether you're listening to me.

16. Spooked

CIA briefing by secure phone. Thai-American operative named Deep Goat briefs Station Chief of Southeast Asian Affairs at CIA HQ at Langley -

Langley: DG, is that you?

Deep Goat: Is this a secured line?

Langley: Yes, for sure. I'm going to have to ask the name of your first dog, to vouch that you're really you.

Deep Goat: Ball

Langley: Sounds like you're saying Bon, but that's ok. You've been stationed in Thailand so long, you pronounce like a native. So what's this big news that's spreading around like a randy woman in a submarine?

Deep Goat: I have to emphasize the importance of me not getting my cover blown. As you know, if the wrong people find out what I'm been doing, I'll be skewered and thrown to the fishes. The Reds are building a reputation for intimidating anyone who doesn't side with them. They did it to the gays in Chiang Mai. Plus, just the other day, they blocked the airport at Kon Kaen, looking to beat up a political opposition character. And before that, they killed a political canvasser in Udon Thani who was working for the other side.

Langley: You're as safe as safe can be. We won't blow your cover.

Deep Goat: You must have heard by now, a lot of people got shot at the rally last night.

Langley: It was late morning for us, but yes, we heard several dead and many wounded. What's the story on the Army colonel – did a grenade kill him?

Deep Goat: Yes. A soldier on the scene told me how he saw it: There was a green laser shone on the Colonel, then a smoke bomb thrown at him, then a couple seconds later, a grenade – and it injured several men around him.

Langley: How much do you think Silverfish (code name for Sintax) is involved with managing events?

Deep Goat: That's one of the big questions. Frankly, it's not easy to tell, as he's so adept at covering things up. On the one hand, it seems clear that most of the money to sustain the rallies is Sintax money. Yet, there are indications that money is also getting channeled from his family, friends, and people who stand to gain money and power if Sintax gets back in the power seat.

Langley: How do you assess the chances of Red leaders getting busted and doing any hard time – when these rallies are over?

Deep Goat: That's a factor also. It's like a giant gamble. The Red leaders are strutting around and shouting on stage, because they really believe that, even if they're put in jail in the near term, they'll walk free when Silverfish returns to power. They really think they'll get political power if there's a vote soon.

Langley: Well Silverfish's people won popular votes in recent times, do you think their support is lagging?

Deep Goat: Yes. Even in recent times, they tallied a bit less than half the overall vote. There's no reason to believe they can sustain even that percentage. It's not easy to gauge the mood of the general public here, because opinion polls are not well executed, but it wouldn't be surprising if, when the next voting cycle comes around, that the Red faction hemorrhages votes.

Langley: We heard Silverfish hired an American attorney, a Mr. Brussels. What do you know about that?

Deep Goat: You probably have more info on that than I. You probably read the same press releases that I read which said, in effect, Sintax hired him to help bring Democracy back to Thailand. Sounds like just another publicity stunt to spoon feed the masses.

Langley: Yes, that's how we see it, as complete hog wash, and also a way to deflect charges against him.

Deep Goat: Typical Sintax grandstanding, always trying to project a grand image, with scant substance behind it. Brussels just does what he's paid to do. If he had a client paying big bucks to prove ducks fly with jet engines, he would use every trick in his arsenal to prove it.

Langley: But you can't blame Brussels for loving clients like Sintax: They're filthy rich, always in trouble, and always vindictive - continuously throwing out lawsuits for one thing or another.

Deep Goat: Usually for defamation of character.

Langley: Does the man have any decent character left to defame? About last night: Why didn't the army sustain an attack against the combatants who opened fire on them?

Deep Goat: The government forces didn't expect such a sudden and strong attack, so they retreated. Plus, their head was taken out.

Langley: Right, that unlucky colonel. You know I watched a video from the event which showed Red guys standing around when shots were fired from security troops nearby. I mean, I don't know about you, but if people are shooting at me, I'm going to duck, get on the ground, hide behind something, or run away. These Red shirts were milling around, perhaps nervous, but not looking spooked, despite the reports of rifles nearby sounding like a dozen popcorn machines going blotto. To me, it adds credence to the government claim that initially, the security forces were firing rubber bullets in the air. I mean, if the forces were firing live rounds at the demonstrators at that early point, we would see two things happen. One; we'd see guys getting shot and falling, and two; we'd see survivors running for cover.

Deep Goat: I haven't seen that video yet, but it corroborates the data I've got from eyewitnesses. Though live rounds were apparently fired from security forces after the shit hit the fan with the killing of the colonel.

Langley: Roger on that. So, do you get indications that Silverfish was behind the combatants dressed in black?

Deep Goat: I think that's a given, as indications show that those combatants were fraternizing with Red shirt protesters. They're sharing the compound, sharing meals, supporting each other. Given that Silverfish unabashedly supports the Reds, and these combatants are embedded within the Red camps - then.....

Langley: I get your drift: if it looks, swims, walks and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck.

Langley: Well, we've been intercepting some calls going back and forth to Silverfish, but don't tell anyone. Most of all we don't want the Thai government to know we have such good eavesdropping capability.

Deep Goat: Why not?

Langley: Then they might expect a lot more from us, now and in the future. Plus, they'll probably want what we have when they do court cases, and we don't want evidence in a Thai court of law which is linked to Uncle Sam. We've got SAT-INT (satellite intelligence) photos of rally flash points, but keep that under your hat. We also heard Silverfish is calling those combatants his 'protectors' – is that what you're hearing?

Deep Goat: Haven't heard the 'protector' name, but the press is calling them 'Black shirts' and Seh Daeng calls them his 'Ronin.'

Langley: Tell me more about this Seh Daeng character. We've got a file on him already, but the stuff is nutzoid. There are indications he bombed his own commanding officer's house, and before that there are indications he lobbed grenades at the Yellow Shirt protest at government house - resulting in the death of a woman protester. If even a modicum of these things are true, he gives a whole new meaning to the term 'loose cannon.' We heard that a few days before the rallies started, he was arrested and then released.

Deep Goat: Correct. Right before the rallies started in Bangkok, Seh Daeng was detained for an hour in a police station in the south of Thailand. He had gone there to check on one of his buddies who was in detention, and the cops held him and the thugs he was with.

Langley: Why didn't authorities lock him up?

Deep Goat: Well, you have to understand, it was the police who had him, so in a sense, he wasn't really had, because they just let him walk – no booking, no warning, no nothing.

Langley: Man, a walking time bomb. A man who has openly called for the destruction of the government, and they just let him walk away. Amazing Thailand indeed.

Deep Goat: So now Seh Daeng is prancing all over the Red camps in downtown Bangkok. He's directing the building of the barricades from old tires reinforced by sharpened bamboo poles.

Langley: Sounds almost medieval, except for the vulcanized rubber. Still, how do they expect tires and bamboo to keep tanks away?

Deep Goat: Tanks are not likely to be used. Currently, Airway (code name for Abhisit) appears to be going the softly softly route.

Langley: Does he have much choice in the matter?

Deep Goat: Good point. As you must have gathered from the news and from our earlier talks, Airway is stymied by the Army which wants to tread softly, and the police, who either do nothing, or sometimes even aids the Reds.

Langley: Tough situation for Airway. Tell me more about this new force that the press calls the Black shirts.

Deep Goat: We don't have much. None have defected yet, though there is a Red higher-up who is telling authorities some interesting tidbits – though he could be lying.

Langley: For sure, we don't know who is lying, particularly if they're tortured in custody.

Deep Goat: Haven't been any allegations of that yet.

Langley: Any more info you want to share right now?

Deep Goat: No. That's it in a nutshell.

Langley: Until next time, over and out.

17. Spooked Redux

Sintax briefing - offering his overall view to his newly acquired American attorney, Mr. Brussels -

Brussels: It's becoming increasing evident that I'll be needing additional inside info from you - relating to the rally. I need to hear detail from you about the Reds and your role in things. I suspected it earlier on, but now it's clear that I'll need to be abreast of all the recent political history of Thailand.

Sintax: There are things I can tell you, but then there are things that I need to keep secret.

Brussels: I understand your need to be discreet, but if I'm going to represent you on these convoluted bunch of issues, you're going to have to be as frank as possible with me. And rest assured, there's attorney-client confidentiality here. Nobody can compel me to divulge any info about you that I deem inappropriate.

Sintax: Not even Dick Cheney and his waterboard?

Brussels: I don't think Dick has a dog in this dog and pony show.

Sintax: Do you mean 'dog has a dick in a pony for show...' what does that mean?

Brussels: Never mind.

Sintax: You must have heard the latest news, how my people were shot down in cold blood in Bangkok.

Brussels: You say, 'my people', does that mean you control their activities.

Sintax: Is this room bugged?

Brussels: No, I had it checked, it's clean.

Sintax: All the Reds look to me. They know I am the only person who can help them more than anyone else. We used to say that openly, but now we agree it is better we not tell everyone I am director. So they all know now already - to tell others I am not involved.

Brussels: Still, it would take an idiot to believe that you were not now involved.

Sintax: Thai people learn from early age to respect their leaders and their elders. Thai schools use rote learning. Teacher tells them what they need to know - students listen and learn. They all learn same thing and don't ask questions. They know I was their leader, and they will know to follow what I say.

Brussels: So let me see if I have this clear. The Thai people look to you and do what you direct, but now you are telling them to say that you are not the director.

Sintax: It's like when I said I would no longer be involved in politics. They don't have to believe the exact words, but they know to believe the message behind the words. My enemies always try to make me look bad, but they don't know what I am thinking. They tell the Thai people.......

Brussels: Sir, let's try to stay on topic here. You don't have to convince me of whether you are righteous or not. I'm not even so concerned about that. You hired me to assist you to bring democracy to Thailand, so that's what I'll work at doing, to the best of my ability. So, back to the deaths last night......

Sintax: The murders last night were from the Government. The army troops were told to come to the rally at night time and, with no warning, they started shooting automatic weapons at innocent demonstrators - killing as many as they could.

Brussels: With just over a dozen Reds dead, it would seem the Army could have killed many more if that's what they were instructed to do.

Sintax: That's where my protectors proved their worth.

Brussels: You mean the people dressed in black that we've been hearing about?

Sintax: To the public, we are going to say they are a mystery force, maybe working with the government.

Brussels: But who are they actually?

Sintax: Between you and me, they are the protectors of the democracy-seeking Red Shirt protesters. Seh Daeng and other military-trained leaders with the Reds told me a couple weeks ago that protectors were needed, because government forces would come and try to break up the rally by any means - tanks, grenades, shooting automatic weapons, helicopter gunships, maybe drop bombs.

Brussels: Wow, that's intense. So who pays for those protectors or are they all volunteers?

Sintax: We can say I don't channel funds for the Red Shirt leaders. Any money they get, they spend the best ways they know how. So then we can say the Red leaders make the decisions about what the demonstrators and protectors do. We can say it is those leaders who are directing the activity.

Brussels: But still, between you and me, you still direct their activities, do you not?

Sintax: You must understand that it could be a problem for me - if my enemies can prove I direct the Red actions, so we must tell people that I am not involved. Most important, people must not know me and my family provide most of the funding. If things go bad, then my enemies will have more ammunition to shoot at me, figuratively speaking.

Brussels: Yes I understand.

Sintax: But you must also understand this part, and this is not secret; that the poor people of Thailand love me, and they know that I am the one best person to lead them out of poverty. I told the farmers their debts would be forgiven. They have many reasons to love and trust me.

Brussels: That's good. You should try to avoid talking to the press without a script pre-approved by me, but if you do get cornered by them, say the sorts of things you just told me. Talk about how you can assist the poor farmers with debt relief and mundane feel-good things like that. Here's a little trick I learned in college; doesn't matter what the question is, you answer by saying what you want to say. Don't let the interviewer set the agenda. You've been making a lot of calls to your people in Thailand. Do you think the government might be eavesdropping?

Sintax: Easy dropping?

Brussels: Um, listening in on your phone conversations.

Sintax: I don't think so. I own the satellites and most of the phone equipment in Thailand. Plus, if the government was listening, they would reveal some things I said - to try to make me look bad.

Brussels: So tell me more about these protectors.

Sintax: They are mostly young men, and they mostly come from the military. Some are ex-military, ex-police.

Brussels: And their leader?

Sintax: Who me?

Brussels: No, their leaders at the rally.

Sintax: People call him Seh Daeng, 'daeng' is the Thai word for 'red.' He is a real soldier. He comes to see me sometimes, in Dubai and in Cambodia, and I can look him in the eyes and know he is reliable.

Brussels: Plus, you probably pay him well for his services.

Sintax: He's a cheap date (chuckles), but yes, he knows I'll take care of him. As long as he stays with me, he will never be wanting a nice house or a new car. I had a bit of a scare with him. Just before the rallies were scheduled, Seh Daeng was detained at a police station. Luckily, he called me and put me on the phone to the police chief there, and we straightened things out. My protectors need him in Bangkok, and now I hear he is directing the building of protective barricades downtown.

Brussels: Yes I've been seeing those barricades on the news. I'm amazed that the Bangkok police allow such things to get put on public streets in the heart of a big city.

Sintax: Why be amazed? The police are loyal to me. If I tell them all to dress only in pink underwear and jump in the Chao Praya river, they would do it. Most of the police chiefs are personal friends of mine who I appointed when I was PM.

Brussels: Do you think the barricades are a good idea? I mean, whatever keeps people out, also keeps them in.

Sintax: Abhisit will be forced to use tanks and maybe helicopter gunships. You remember the stark image from China's Tiananmen Square - of the young man, by himself, standing in front of a moving tank?

Brussels: Yes, I certainly do. Ok, I see your point now. By forcing draconian measures by the current government....

Sintax: ......the illegal Abhisit occupation.

Brussels: Whatever, let's just call them the current government for the sake of clarity. ....but forcing Abhisit to use harsh measures, public opinion will turn against him and....

Sintax: That will work best for international opinion. Then major governments will put pressure on Thailand to reinstate the PM who was ousted by a coup, and they will make a lot of noise about 'crimes against humanity.'

Brussels: Right, and that's where I can feed the fires of indignation, and possibly pave the way for you to return to Thailand in triumph?

Sintax: You think so?

Brussels: Nothing is impossible. Where there's a will, there's a way.

Sintax: I want to restore my good reputation and I want my son Elm to be Prime Minister someday - to follow in his father's footsteps.

Brussels: Why don't you introduce us, I'd like to speak with the chap - find out his plans.

Sintax: If I see him, I'll ask him to give you a call. He's often out shopping or playing games on the computer, so sometimes I don't see him for days. Have to go. I have a meeting with police - they say they found someone who knows about my stolen laptop computer.

18. Vlad The Inquisitive

A senior member of the Upper Sloboskian opposition party, Senator Vladimir Pushenshov, has become quite a fan of Sintax. From a political perspective, Pushenshov sees elements of Sintax's rise to resounding political and business success, as a beacon beckoning emulation. Sintax's meteoric rise, in early 2000's, from relative obscurity has become such a clarion call for Pushenshov, that he's taken it upon himself to travel to Thailand to have an in-depth conversation with the one compatriot who probably knows more of what makes Sintax tick, than anyone other Upper Sloboskian.

Ambassador: Senator Pushenshov, what a pleasant surprise.

Pushenshov: Just call me Vlad, and you knew I was coming here, didn't you?

Ambassador: Yes of course, your secretary informed mine. Did you have a pleasant flight?

Pushenshov: Yes, thank you, though the first leg of the journey entailed taking an ancient Soviet helicopter over several 'Stan' countries, and dropping provisions out the back gate – things like grenades wrapped in sheep bladders – to the freedom fighters hiding out in the hills.

Ambassador: The regular commute, I know it's annoying. I wish we could just fly straight out to Tashkent, and not have to dilly dally through the mountains. So what brings you to Bangkok? I would say 'sunny Bangkok,' but unfortunately you came at a time when there is black smoke billowing out from downtown.

Pushenshov: I know. What an eerie sight from the airplane window. People had told me there was smog and gridlock here, but I didn't expect this.

Ambassador: Well, you know what it's about, don't you?

Pushenshov: Sure. I read the newspapers. Let's hope the rallies accomplished at least some of what they were proposing, such as democracy and more balanced distribution of wealth.

Ambassador: Frankly, the rally really didn't have much to do with democracy, but had a whole lot to do with trying to get one person back in power – and get a chunk of his immense wealth back.

Pushenshov: You don't think Thailand could benefit from more democracy?

Ambassador: I can agree with that, but the type of people who were leading the Red rallies, are not the type of people who are going to bring democratic principles to Thailand.

Pushenshov: How about the gap between rich and poor. I read a letter in the newspaper today which said Thailand has the widest gap between rich and poor of any country in the world.

Ambassador: Yes, income disparity is a concern. But let's be frank – there's disparity in every country in the world. The GINI index, which measures that sort of thing, ranks Thailand as number 50 in the world. If we were talking professional golf rankings, the difference between being #1 or #50 would be about 5 million dollars per year in earnings.

Pushenshov: ....Which is what Tiger Woods may wind up paying to his woman, if he keeps messing around.

Ambassador: Well, you didn't come halfway around the world to talk about what Tiger Woods does in his skivvies. What's on your mind?

Pushenshov: I've been wondering if the proposals put forth by Sintax, when he burst upon the political scene ten years ago, might be worthwhile to implement for Upper Sloboskia. I'll admit, I'm looking at this mostly from a political angle. You and I have known each other since we shared a classroom at Slobosk University, and you've known I've always been drawn to political sciences and such.

Ambassador: Sure Vlad, nothing wrong with that, particularly if it benefits fellow Sloboskians.

Pushenshov: Exactly. So, I've heard about the initial campaign promises Sintax made – they're in the public record: He spoke about OTOP (One Tambon / One Product) campaign. He spoke about the 30 baht per day for a hospital stay, and he spoke about easy loans and debt relief for poor farmers.

Ambassador: He also promised one million baht straight out to each Thai village.

Pushenshov: Are you kidding me?

Ambassador: I jest not. In his campaign, he came right out and said, "If you vote for me, and I become prime minister, I promise that each village in the country will get a cash grant of one million baht."

Pushenshov: Darn, that's a sure way to get people to like you. Why didn't the opposition come forward and say, "Hey, we'll give each village 1.5 million baht."  
I mean if one million gets a lot of votes, 1.5 million should get 50% more votes, shouldn't it? No wonder the sheeple of Issan love him so much, he's always promising them gobs of money and debt relief. Seriously though, you've been in Thailand for a long while, what's your take on his other campaign promises?

Ambassador: Let's look at each of the other main proposals on their own merits. First the OTOP program. It's the least controversial of the bunch, and perhaps has had some positive effect on the Thai economy, though some would say the funding went mostly to pu yai ban (village headmen) to buy personal stuff like big TV's and shiny new pick-up trucks. So, if you wanted to try melding that program to Upper Sloboskia, it might be beneficial. The second thing you mentioned, the 30-baht hospital stay idea, was not bad either – though it built upon an earlier similar initiative which was already in place at that time.

Pushenshov: If it was so good, why didn't the opposition candidates propose a 25 baht per day hospital program?

Ambassador: Good point, though even 30 baht was too low an amount to be plausible. What ended up happening was; many doctors at hospitals found they weren't getting paid enough, because there simply wasn't enough revenue to go around. I mean, a hospital can't provide all the care needed for all types of treatments and surgery, for less than a dollar per person per day. You could propose a similar concept for Upper Sloboskian voters, and it might get votes initially, but if anyone seriously did the numbers, they would see it was crackpot accounting. We're not talking leeches and vapors here, we're talking modern facilities at hospitals

Pushenshov: Gotcha - and what about the easy loans and debt relief for farmers?

Ambassador: Well that's the most controversial of his campaign promises. Prior to Sintax's promises, farmers had been getting loans. Like poor farmers everywhere, they were having problems paying back the loans. Along comes Sintax, who right away promises a 3-year debt moratorium for all farm loans, and makes it even easier to qualify for new loans.

Pushenshov: I bet that was music to the ears of farmers who were in debt.

Ambassador: For sure. Anytime you can promise debt relief, you're going to get people to like you. Sintax was referencing his business experience, which reflected his personal habit of always getting loans whenever possible.

Pushenshov: Well, let's be realistic here, that's one reason the very rich stay very rich. They're loathe to spend their own money, so they're constantly playing games to wheedle as much loans as they can, whether it be from credit cards or from friends or from banks.

Ambassador: On that, we agree. So back to the hand-to-mouth farming culture in northeast Thailand: Maybe the easier-to-get loans were one percentage point lower than earlier rates, but there was still going to be a high rate of 'non-performance.' Several things happen, when a farmer can't pay back a loan. Oh, forgot to mention, Sintax made it easier for a lot of farmers who earlier did not have full land title – to obtain it. So, with a property title document, a farmer could go to the government bank and use the title as collateral for the loan. The amounts weren't big, many were just a few thousand dollars. Yet, what do you think happened when all of a sudden thousands of farmers have property titles, and they use those titles to get loans?

Pushenshov: I see where you're going with this. You're still going to have a high number of defaults.....

Ambassador: Right, but now the stakes are higher, because the farmer might lose his plot of land. And guess who is standing in line to take possession of the hundreds of parcels of land that get foreclosed upon, and then available for purchase?

Pushenshov: The banks?

Ambassador: Well, first the banks foreclose, yes. But the banks don't want to be in the farming business. They want to recover their money, so they're going to want to sell those plots as fast as possible.

Pushenshov: So it's the rich people who can afford to buy those parcels.

Ambassador: Dare I say, it's people like Sintax, his family, his friends, and the hundreds of other Chinese-Thai who have beaucoup cash on hand.

Pushenshov: All in all, it sounds like a smart election campaign platform, but doesn't sound like it does the little people much good in the long run.

Ambassador: Precisely, and that's a big reason why there are such a number of farmers from the relatively poor Issan region who are attending the Red rallies. They're more in debt now, than they were in earlier years, thanks to Sintax's easy loans. Yet, they think Sintax is their answer to getting clear, because he's talking of a debt moratorium.

Pushenshov: Well, you can't blame the farmers for liking the sound of 'debt moratorium.' - it gives them some relief, does it not?

Ambassador: At a cursory glance, yes. Indeed, even the current Abhisit government is putting forth a debt relief program – though 'debt relief' and 'debt forgiveness' are slightly different animals.

Pushenshov: Either way, it sounds like Thailand's impoverished farmers are going to get some relief.

Ambassador: To some degree, yes. However, look at what debt forgiveness does, and I'm not saying it's a black and white thing - not all good or all bad. But it does two basic things: First it gets the borrowers to be less serious about the responsibilities of taking out loans. It's a bit like the Mexicans who come over the American border by the thousands per day. If they know the US government is going to declare an amnesty every seven years or so,......

Pushenshov: ....Which it does, apparently.

Ambassador: Right, then what's to stop Mexicans coming to America? If they know there's a strong likelihood that they will get Green Cards if they stick it out for a few years, then they'll keep coming.

Pushenshov: So how does that relate to farmers' debt in Issan?

Ambassador: If the Thai farmers know there's debt forgiveness every few years, then that's added incentive to get loans every chance they can.

Pushenshov: Don't the government banks need to get the loans paid back?

Ambassador: That's another part of the puzzle. Actually, it's probably not bank funds which are loaned out – the loaned money is more likely tax revenue. So, it's rich peoples' tax money which indirectly goes to helping the Issan farmers.

Pushenshov: I thought rich Thais were quite adept at avoiding paying taxes.

Ambassador: That's a good point. Indeed, many rich Thais have house and large properties outside of Bangkok. Do you know how much taxes they pay on those properties?

Pushenshov: Ummm, hundreds of dollars per year?

Ambassador: Zero.

Pushenshov: Really?! How can they possess valuable properties and wheedle around paying any taxes?

Ambassador: They don't have to wheedle around anything. There simply aren't any taxes due for rural estates. Admittedly, there have been some recent rumblings of legislation which will compel some wealthy landowners to pay some taxes. Time will tell whether the taxman will be able to collect anything.

Pushenshov: You got to admit, though, when Sintax came along, the standard of living shot up for Thais, particularly the poor farmers in Issan province.

Ambassador: It's a two-tiered issue. On the one hand, at that time Thailand was coming out from economic doldrums. A few years before Sintax came to the PM's seat, Thailand was nearly bankrupt. That was 1997, when the economy tanked and Thailand had to get bail-out money from the World Bank and others. The PM just before Sintax did some responsible, though not vote-getting things to patch up the economy. Sintax came in on his platform of promises, during a time of global economic boom......

Pushenshov: The dot com explosion happened about that time.....

Ambassador: Right, so Sintax rode that wave of better economic times, and like all businessmen, he wanted to borrow borrow borrow while the borrowing was good. At the time, it looked to most Thais like the man could do no wrong. But it's important to note that, for years before Sintax came to power, the plight of the Issanaites had been improving.

Pushenshov: Wait, I thought they were stuck in the quagmire of poverty before Sintax came along.

Ambassador: That's a common misconception. Actually, poverty is relative. If you look at the living conditions of Thais compared to people from many other places worldwide, the Thais come off looking rather well off. Before Sintax, even Thais in poor villages often had motorbikes, TV's, ok little homes, telephones. Plus their kids had access to education, though many parents struggled with having to buy all new uniforms and books each year for each child.

Pushenshov: Same for Upper Sloboskian parents.

Ambassador: So this idea that Sintax came along and all of a sudden, the Issanaites had a lot higher standard of living is hogwash. It's only true if looked at through the lens of village headmen. The headmen got large influxes of money, either through OTOP or through political maneuverings, so it's natural that they loved Sintax with a passion. Indeed, it's the village headmen, as much as any others, who are fueling the motor that drives the Red Shirt movement.

Pushenshov: What's the story on the Hill Tribe people? I heard some don't have nationality, and scant little option for getting legal documents. What's Sintax's policy on that?

Ambassador: Sintax has no policy regarding Hill Tribers. It's simple. Since most Hill Tribe people have no proper ID, they can't vote, so they're not important to him.

Pushenshov: Why don't the Hill Tribe people get ID cards – I mean, if they were born and reside in Thailand, they're Thais aren't they?

Ambassador: You would think so, but it's a big convoluted issue. There are probably hundreds of thousands of Hill Tribers who have several generations behind them, residing in regions of northern Thailand, yet they have little hope of ever getting a Thai ID. Some can get an ID card if they pay big money to the village headman, but even with that, they'll likely get one that's fake.

Pushenshov: Isn't it in the best interest of the Thai government to grant ID cards to people residing within their borders?

Ambassador: You would think so, and there is some movement there. But even getting a bona fide Thai card entails paying a large bribe to a government official.

Pushenshov: Sounds like it should be issued for free, or just a nominal fee, if it's issued through the government.

Ambassador: This is how things work in Thailand.

Pushenshov: Not much different than Upper Sloboskia, actually.

19. Dutch Treat Mint

Sintax: Welcome to my legal team, Mr. Knobs.

Knobs: Glad to be of service, Mr. Sintax. It sounds like it's been a tumultuous week for you and for Thailand.

Sintax: Sad times for Thailand now, and I am not getting much sleep, always worried about my people suffering because they want democracy and they suffer because they want me to come back to help them.

Knobs: You mentioned in your earlier note to me that you'd like bring the Thai government to task for, and I'm quoting here; "flagrantly breaching its obligations as a member of the international community."

Sintax: We must show the world that the Thai government used excessive force to kill over eighty innocent protesters. Not just in the past week, but before that. We can take it to the UN security council. Has this room been de-bugged?

Knobs: The room has no listening bugs - anything we speak about here is just between us. Regarding the UN Security Council, I rather doubt this will go to that level, as they will see it more as an in-country domestic issue. However, there may be a chance of getting a hearing at the UN Human Rights Council.

Sintax: Human rights, yes. And Amnesty International has issued a lot of statements lately saying the Thai government has been doing illegal things.

Knobs: Ok, I'll have my people look in to all that, and see what sort of a case we can make. But let me put this in perspective; am I right in deducing that your concern with the UN is to try and counter-punch the Thai government regarding their terrorist charges against you for supporting the rallies?

Sintax: What is 'counter punch'? Sounds like some drink at a party.

Knobs: Figure of speech, sir. Let me phrase it another way: Ok, we know about the recent warrant for your arrest on terrorism charges........

Sintax: I am not a terrorist.

Knobs: No, of course not, but can the Thai government show proof that you provided funding for the rallies?

Sintax: That funding has been well disguised. I have spent years perfecting the art of transferring funds under the table. I am an expert at that. I could write a book about it.

Knobs: You can call it 'Transferring and Hiding Clandestine Assets For Dummies.'

Sintax: I am not a dummy.

Knobs: No, you're certainly not a dummy, I wasn't inferring that at all. Really though, what tangible things do you think the government has, which can show you were tangibly supporting the rallies?

Sintax: We can't let anyone know that me and my family have been helping the rallies in those ways.

Knobs: No worries. Your secrets stop here at this desk. But I'd like to know, just between you and I, did you also transfer funds to support the so-called Black Shirts and those with weapons who were reported to be with the Reds?

Sintax: They're my Ronin Protectors, and as you see they were very much needed to protect the innocent protesters. But you know I can't really answer that question - about whether I paid for them and their weapons - it's too hot an issue. Plus, we are going to deny that they had any involvement with the Red protesters.

Knobs: There are many photos of men carrying and using combat weapons during the rallies, and they appear to be plainclothes men mixing among the Red protesters

Sintax: It's important that we deny that publicly. Probably best we say those photos were doctored – or that they were people planted by the army to make the Reds look bad.

Knobs: Agreed. We will have to obfuscate who those people are, because if it's proven that the Ronin or the Protectors, as you call them, are actually armed men shooting guns and firing grenades from the Red camp, then that could put holes in our arguments, no pun intended. It makes the Reds look less peaceful than the image we want to project. But either way, the government prosecution has to directly connect you to the Reds in order for it to matter to us. That's actually our main concern; creating as few links as possible between you personally and the Red rallies. It's basically a two-fold strategy (Knobs is writing on a paper notepad): We have to show that there are no direct money connections between you and the rallies, and we have to show, well this is the tougher issue, ....we have to show that the Reds were not led by you. Trouble is, there are recordings of your phone-ins. Unless we can show those were doctored, it will be very hard to disprove what you were saying in those messages.

Sintax: I was careful in my phone-ins to not say anything inflammatory.

Knobs: Well, I'll have my staff listen to the recordings again, but from some of

what I've seen and heard, you've got some, shall I say, interesting messages which you sent.

Sintax: But if you listen carefully, you'll see I never told people to burn Bangkok to the ground.

Knobs: Well, if that's the case, then we've got some breathing room (chuckles nervously). But a prosecutor may be able to link connections between you and the Red Shirt leaders who were on stage \- and those leaders were saying some very inflammatory things, including specific references to burning buildings in Bangkok.

Sintax: They are them and I am me. I cannot be responsible for what other people say or do in their enthusiasm.

Knobs: Yes, I guess that's true in a sense. Between you and me, you have to be at least somewhat frank with me, and then enable me to put the pieces in the most advantageous order for us. I've worked with controversial clients from former Yugoslavia and half a dozen tin pot banana republics in Africa. I have some expertise about these things. The things we speak about between us are strategy sessions. When I make public statements, I will only say what is advantageous to you. Which reminds me; please don't make any public statements about any of these things without first checking with me or Brussels or Perrier - or at least please be very careful in what you say.

Sintax: I've never said anything controversial before (both chuckle). But sometimes a large newspaper or business magazine wants to interview me.

Knobs: Yes, it's hard to script things during an interview. But really, it's important to remember; everything you say in an interview is recorded,

Sintax: You said there weren't any bugs in this room.

Knobs: No, this room is clean, as I mentioned earlier. What I mean is; everything you say in a public forum is recorded, so you have to be careful about what you deny having said, because it may be on a recording somewhere.

Sintax: Then it's probably been tampered with.

Knobs: That could be. Then there's the idea of incitement.

Sintax: Ok, I admit I get excited sometimes. These are my people who I love. I sing love songs to them (starts singing an old Thai folk song).

Knobs: Not excitement, sir, incitement. It's a word that means to get others to do extreme things. We have to be careful to preclude what the prosecution might say in the sense of incitement. In other words, if you are paying those guys.......

Sintax: No one can prove that.

Knobs: Ok, perhaps the government can't, but you can bet they're looking at that angle. You might want to contact people who transfer funds and make sure everyone is with the program. Make sure they understand the importance of discretion. If there's a weak link in the money chain, then that could pose challenges for us – particularly because many still see you as the godfather of the Red movement, and therefore.....

Sintax: I am no longer their leader. The Red movement has taken on a life of its own.

Knobs: Sir, I am working with you on this. We're on the same team. You have to let me finish a sentence here, I'm working with hypotheticals. The prosecution people aren't dummies. They'll be using all the resources they can, to try and bust you. Even now they probably have evidence that we don't yet know about. It's like a giant chess game, but with half the opponent's pieces hidden. One difference is, in a chess game, the loser just loses a game. In this game we're playing, the loser could face the death penalty.

Sintax: This is not a game for me, and there is no way my enemies can send me to the gallows. Montenegro has no extradition treaty with Thailand.

Knobs: I agree. No one is going to put a noose around your neck. Plus, you bring up a good point about Montenegro. Is it the same with the other countries you visit? Make a list, and I'll have my people asses the chances of you getting detained. As long as you stay in Montenegro which, as we know, doesn't have an extradition treaty with Thailand, then we won't have to entertain gallows humor.

Sintax: You talk about 'entertain' but this is not entertainment for me and my family. This is serious. Thailand needs me. The poor Thai people and the farmers need me to come back to help them with their problems. They know with me back in charge, they will be able to get loans and make more money to get rich, and with me guiding them, they will.....

Knobs: Please sir, let's steer away from the campaigning, and try and stick closer to the issue of the lawsuits. There's the suit against you, where the Thai government accuses you of being a terrorist.......

Sintax: They're an illegitimate government, so how can they declare anything?

Knobs: I hear you. And there's the suit you're putting against that government, which claims they were abusive in their crackdown on the demonstrators.

Sintax: 84 people they killed. I'll tell you who is the terrorist – it's the chief of the Army. He and Abhisit are the terrorists, not me. They ordered tanks sent in to kill innocent people. And to think the Army chief was once a decent man – we went to the same college classes together. Now he is......

Knobs: I believe they were armored personnel carriers, not tanks, sir.

Sintax: They looked like tanks, and they can run people over and crush them. The innocent demonstrators think they are tanks, so they run in a stampede to get away.

Knobs: By the way, we mentioned death penalty a moment ago – very few countries will consider extraditing you if they know you might get the death penalty if found guilty.

Sintax: I know. Plus no country will extradite me, because they all know it's a political show and that I was a prime minister ousted in a coup d'état.

Knobs: We've been hearing a lot about this Seh Daeng character, especially now that he's been shot. What's your connection with him – and again, you can be frank with me and know that I won't divulge any secrets that may incriminate you.

Sintax: Why you say 'incriminate?' Are you insinuating I arranged for him to be shot?

Knobs: No sir, I wasn't insinuating anything. I'm simply asking for your spin on Seh Daeng, and your spin on how he got shot.

Sintax: I'm going to say it must have been an Army sniper. The bullet blew away his forehead. He was a friend and a good soldier. Even if he recovers, he will be no good for leading the Protectors.

Knobs: I saw a photo of him after he'd been shot and his forehead looked intact. Anyhow, there are some who might say you had reasons to want him shot. Now if you don't want to talk about it, that's your option.

Sintax: I've heard what my enemies say – they say that because he kept mentioning my name as being the leader, that therefore I had a reason to have him taken out. Well, my enemies will say anything to try and make me look bad.

Knobs: Ok, we'll leave that topic alone for now. More important in the big picture is the torching of places in Bangkok. What's our stance on that?

Sintax: We say we don't know who did it. We say it may have been army or Yellow shirts who did it, in order to make the Reds and me look bad.

Knobs: We can try to float that concept, but frankly it's going to look likely it was rogue elements connected to the Reds who lit the fires. Then there are also the same sorts who kept firefighters from getting to the fires. Altogether, it doesn't look good for the Reds or, should I say, the rogue elements who were among them.

Sintax: You're supposed to be my advocate – on my side. Why you say 'elements'? We're not talking chemistry here. Sometimes you sound like you're my prosecutor.

Knobs: Sir, that's part of how I do my job. I need to look at all sides of an issue – including how my adversaries will look at it. If, by speaking that way, I sound like the prosecution, then I'm sorry.

Sintax: It's ok, but I'm paying you a decent amount of money to do some basic legal things for me. I didn't kill Seh Daeng, and I didn't direct the burning of buildings in Bangkok.

Knobs: Good, and I'll believe you. Instead of playing the devil's advocate so often, perhaps I should be mentioning things which could bolster your positions. What does the government say on the burning and arson? I've heard them announce today that they found dead bodies in the rubble of the burned buildings, and they found many guns and caches of ammunitions in many places. They think the bodies are Reds who were caught in the fires – maybe they were looting?

Sintax: First off, the Reds are mostly rice farmers. They don't have the intelligence and skills to plan a big arson arrangement to burn large buildings in Bangkok. The arson could have been Army or maybe other enemies of the Reds who wanted to make the Red movement look bad. And you mention the dead bodies - if the Reds were looting, why would they be so stupid to get caught in the building and die?

Knobs, writing on his paper pad: So you're asserting that the Reds and the Blacks are not savvy enough to arrange to burn down buildings....?

Sintax: I didn't mention Blacks.

Knobs: Ok, forgot. We're asserting that the Black shirt combatants are a mystery force – and we don't know who they're affiliated with.

Sintax: Yes, that's our stand on the protectors, .....um, I mean the people the press is calling the Black Shirts.

Knobs: .....or the people Seh Daeng called his Ronan warriors.

Sintax: Well, he can call them whatever he wants.

Knobs: So what's our take on all the guns and ammo and grenades which were apparently found after the government troops broke up the rally?

Sintax: We maintain that the Reds didn't have weapons more than slingshots. Like Palestine fighting Israel, it was little people picking up stones - fighting against an army with tanks.

Knobs: .....And the weapons which were shown?

Sintax: If any weapons were displayed after troops went there, then they could have easily been planted.

Knobs: Yes, that will be out stance on that.

Sintax: Also, if there were weapons left behind, why would any protecting force do that? Someone paid for those weapons.....

Knobs: It's also said that some were stolen from soldiers and police beforehand.

Sintax: Whatever, but if the Reds or the Protectors had so many weapons and so much ammunition, why didn't they use them? I mean, it's crazy.

Knobs: As you say, if they did happen to have such an arsenal on hand, you can ask, 'why didn't they use them.' There are two answers to that hypothetical question: Government forces will attempt to prove that a lot of combat weaponry were in fact used......

Sintax: Why do you say, 'in fact....' You're supposed to be with me on this.

Knobs: It's a matter of speech, sir. I was using it in a hypothetical question in regard to what the government prosecution might say. But let me continue: They might say, ....indeed they'll probably say that weapons were fired from behind the Red barricades, and let's not dismiss a common circumstance in combat – where a defeated force may not have always used up all its ammunition.

Sintax: Are you saying the Reds were defeated in combat? I resent that. The Reds weren't defeated in combat, nor were they defeated politically.

Knobs: Pardon me, sir. Perhaps I shouldn't use the word defeated – I understand this whole thing is rife with sensitive issues for you. Perhaps we should take a break.

Sintax: Ok, maybe I shouldn't be so thin-skinned, but you did push a button, even if you didn't intend to. The Reds didn't lose at all. Wait and see. The Red movement will be back stronger than ever. The illegitimate Abhisit government can put the current bunch of leaders in jail, but it's like pulling some weeds out of a garden – new weeds will sprout up all the time. The majority of the Thai people look to me, and they know I'm the best hope for Thailand's future.

Knobs: Thanks you sir. You've given me many good ideas, and I and my staff have a lot of work to do. Shall I have my secretary make out a bill for services?

Sintax: Send a bill to my Montenegro address – that should work.

20. Stacking the Blogosphere

Brussels: How is the letters campaign going?

Perrier: Rather good, I suppose. As you may know, it's a two-fold campaign. One facet is the letters to the publications.....

Brussels: Letters to the editor.

Perrier: Yes, those types of letters. And the other facet is that bottomless pit called the internet.

Brussels: I heard about your secretary, actually heard it from Sintax himself. It's like a competition thing with him. He's got his Computer Dave who he says is working four computers simultaneously on his desk, and then Sintax heard about your gal with five computers, so he's trying to get Computer Dave going to six computers.

Perrier: I know, the guy is nuts. Plus I think the Sintax kids are writing furiously on blogs also. I wouldn't be surprised if Manpoj and other Watshin family members are doing the same.

Brussels: Ok, I can see the Letters to the Editor campaign affecting public opinion, but do you really think saturating the internet blogosphere will have much affect?

Perrier: Well, you're doing the same sort of campaign, aren't you?

Brussels: To some degree. I mentioned earlier I was writing scholarly-sounding informational pieces and getting them posted on respectable sites. My question to you is; do you think all your blogging, using multiple user names, is going to have much effect on how the public views Sintax?

Perrier: Yes. A resounding yes. Not just the Huffington Post, which has a zillion participants, but also dozens of other blogs - definitely have a ripple effect on peoples' perceptions.

Brussels: Well, I've read some of the dialogues, and it looks like a lot more people are dissing Sintax than are agreeing with your posts.

Perrier: Perhaps that unfortunate, that public opinion is still stacked against our client. But consider that every day, there are hundreds of people who are just starting to become aware of him. If their first impressions are positive, then that's a plus. And there are the many people who are still formulating their opinions, so input from multiple bloggers may affect their outlook.

Brussels: .....Even if the ideas you're seeding are mostly horse manure?

Perrier: You and I know that, but we're professionals and we know to say whatever it takes to bolster our celebrity client with the very deep pockets.

Brussels: Yes, we know that indeed.

Perrier: Plus, horse manure can make a colorful flowers. Hey, this just came across my desk; Sintax forwarded a couple requests for some of his Red Shirt buddies to get represented by us. We could.....

Brussels: Stop right there. The answer is no. Tell him as diplomatically as possible. But between you and me and the lamp post, we don't want to touch those Red shirt crazies with a ten foot ugly stick. Have you seen the video clips of those hot heads – articulating about burning specific Bangkok buildings to the ground if they don't get their way? No way will we take them on. Look, we've got the golden goose, why take on the ugly ducklings?

Perrier: I hear you loud and clear, and I concur 100%. Now on another matter, I've got some constructive criticism for you......

Brussels: Fire away. Just know, if you offend me in any way, I'll fire you on the spot.

Perrier: Very funny. Just remember who brought in our cash cow.

Brussels: So what could you possibly find which is critical about someone as perfect as me?

Perrier: Perhaps not a criticism, but more of a suggestion for a policy adjustment. In your recent interview with the comely lass from Al Jazeera.....

**Brussels:** More like a shark with lipstick, but go ahead........

Perrier: You mention a couple things which we might want to adjust. You referred to the current Thai government as 'a junta,' and you mentioned (Perrier looks at his notes) .....that the Bank of Thailand was illegitimately created from the illegal coup.

Brussels: Did I say those things in that interview?

Perrier: Yes.

Brussels: Well, I think it's fair to keep referring to the current Thai government as a 'junta' though that's probably not the case. If we can link Thailand with Myanmar in peoples' minds, then that's a plus for us. Also, for most people in the world, Thailand and Myanmar are as similar as North Carolina and South Carolina.

Perrier: Still, a junta is a government run by the military.

Brussels: And Thailand isn't?

Perrier: Ok, and the other point, about the Bank of Thailand...

Brussels: If I implied that bank was created recently, and it's not true, then I'll desist from that. What else, Sherlock Holmes?

Perrier: That's about it. Well, I wonder how far we want to go with mentioning things like human trafficking and corrupt politicians in Thailand.

Brussels: All's fair in love, war and lawyering. The more smut we can get to stick to Thailand's image and the current government in particular, the more we divert scorn away from our client. People want to be fed smut, that's why newspapers with cheery news don't sell. Our job is to get as many people as possible to direct their indignation at the Thai government and, in turn, see Sintax as the victim of its vindictiveness. We have to keep hammering on the point that the Thai government is illegitimate and a product of the coup.

Perrier: I understand, but we know that assertion has little truth to it, and I get a bit tired of repeating it over and over in the blogs and letters.

Brussels: Perrier, if you're going to quibble about what's true and false, then you're not going to have a long career as a world class attorney for people like Sintax. Do you think O.J.'s lawyers gave a rat's poop about what was true or false?' Don't go Pollyanna on me now. We need to maintain a steady barrage of image enhancement for the scoundrel, if we want to keep the checks coming in. Think of it like cleaning out an old encrusted sewer pipe. It's a yuk job, but someone's got to do it.

Perrier: I see your point. And how are the legal briefs coming along with him?

Brussels: Actually, we don't need to busy ourselves with lawyering at this stage. The best we can do for him is this public relations campaign we've been discussing. It's 95% image boosting, and 5% legal maneuvering. If we try to beat the government's accusations against him at face value - then we get pummeled. The government probably has a heap of evidence showing he's been funding the Reds and their black shirted combatants. We don't want to play this on the government's playing field. We have to change the venue to paint our client as the victim, while relentlessly discounting any evidence prosecutors might have.

Perrier: I get what you're saying. It's a game of image burnishment.

Brussels: Where did you get the word burnishment? I don't think that's even a real word.

Perrier: I went to a clay modeling class with my wife, and the instructor told us to rub water on the smooth sides of the little images we were making, in order to burnish the clay – make it smooth and shiny. So, to do an 'image burnishment' for Sintax, we need to ....,

Brussels: .......We take a dull and rough person like him, and rub some water on his exterior, and his image gets all shiny and smooth. Voila, instant image burnishment.

Perrier: Not quite the imagery I wanted, but I think we're on the same page.

21. Reflecting Within in a Mirrored Room

Manpoj: I saw a new booklet about you in the bookstore.

Sintax: Flattering or unflattering?

Manpoj: Written by a farang.

Sintax: Unflattering, then. Full of lies?

Manpoj: Worse, it's all dialogue and conjecture.

Sintax: So if it's all conjecture and fluff, why should I worry?

Manpoj: I said 'conjecture' but didn't say fluff. Indeed, some of the imagined dialogue is between me and you, and you and your lawyers, though the writer doesn't use your real name, he uses the name Sintax.

Sintax: Not very witty. I've been called worse. So, if the writer says anything bad about me, we can sue him.

Manpoj: Maybe not so easy to do - the writer uses a fake name; Putney Swope.

Sintax: How do you know it's a fake name?

Manpoj: Elm can tell you.

Elm: First I asked around among some farang people, and none had ever heard of a person with the first name Putney. Then I googled the name 'Putney Swope' and the only thing that came up on the internet was an obscure movie made when you were a teenager.

Sintax: What's it about?

Manpoj: Elm, tell him.

Elm: I actually found a download on it, and watched the first fifteen minutes. It's a movie written by Robert Downey Senior, and cost just 120 thousand dollars to make. Putney Swope is a young black janitor working at a corporation. The board members are all old white men. The CEO has just died and the board members have to vote for a new CEO. They're sitting at a big table, and they all privately write the name of their choice on their individual little pieces of paper. Before the pieces are gathered to tally, the VP says no one can vote for their own name. All the board members then tear up their little pieces of paper because each had voted for himself. They then vote again, and are reminded to vote for someone within the company. Since all the board members dislike each other, they all vote for the janitor, thinking no one else will. When the votes are tallied, Putney Swope wins, and becomes the CEO. That's how the movie starts.

Sintax: Jeez – I ask a simple question and get a long drawn-out answer.

Elm: You asked.

Manpoj: So don't you want to know what this farang writer says about us?

Sintax: You said it was about all of us. I resent that. I can handle someone guessing at what I might say in private, but it's ten times worse when there's someone guessing about what my family is saying. I've got a bad feeling about this already......

Elm: You'll have a worse feeling when you find out what he says in the stupid book. He writes conversations as if he were right there with us.

Sintax: That's preposterous. There is no way that he has the tiniest idea what I or anyone else says in private. Can we sue this person?

Manpoj: Here you go again. Got a problem, throw out a lawsuit.

Elm: There may be a way to find out where this farang lives, and shut him up.

Manpoj: Something like that could ricochet back as bad publicity.

Elm: Only if authorities find out, and they won't.

Sintax: How about if we don't give this writer any response. Just ignore him. Is he somebody?

Manpoj: We don't know, because he uses that fake name, but I have a feeling he's a nobody – as he doesn't have any real publisher.

Sintax: If he's a nobody and doing self-publishing, let's just let sleeping dogs lay. His little book of lies and conjecture will probably just float away with no one noticing.

Elm: We should have the legal people look at it for incriminating tidbits.

Sintax: Incriminating to who, the writer or us?

Elm: Both, I guess.

Sintax: Does the writer say anything that rings of truth?

Elm: You'll have to read it, and decide for yourself.

Manpoj: Even if there are parts that the writer got correct, who's going to know if we don't corroborate it? Because all the dialogue is disguised as private conversations – obviously the writer wasn't there, and the only way anything in those guessed-at conversations can be proven, is if we were to come out and say so.

Sintax: Which we won't, obviously. We'll do it like the CIA does – neither confirm or deny anything, that way there won't be any pattern.

Manpoj: I think we're taking this all too seriously. I only skimmed through the book, and the conversations he pretends to know are too outlandish to believe.

Sintax: Well that settles it then. We ignore the book. If the press ask about it, we simply say, 'it's all conjecture, so how can anyone take anything it says seriously?'

Elm: I'd still like to punch the guys lights out.

Manpoj: Why so aggressive, sweetie? You just heard your father say it's all conjecture, and nothing to be taken seriously.

Elm: Maybe so, but I don't like farang pretending they know what I'm saying and thinking. Plus he ridiculed my Gem-phones.

Manpoj: What are your gemfoils?

Elm: Don't you remember? .....my mobile phones for sale.

Manpoj: Oh yes, of course. Have you been selling any more of them lately?

Elm: Get real, mom. I don't think anyone who bought one still uses it. I sure don't. They were obsolete ten days after they were bought, and are soooooo out-dated now. The ones we sold are probably sitting in the dark recesses of people's desk drawers with the gems slowly coming dislodged.

Manpoj: And that writer also makes fun of one your sisters – he calls her Ezmerelda.

Sintax: Where has she been lately? I haven't seen her for weeks.

Manpoj: She went on a shopping trip to Milan. She heard there were some new Modigliana tiaras on sale there. (to Elm) Son, don't worry about a nobody farang making up stories about you and your sister. We'll get our abbot friend in Chiang Mai to put a hex on him.

Sintax: Speaking of 'our abbot friend in Chiang Mai' – did anyone see the reading he gave for me last week? He sent me a full color chart, but I can't find it now – must have misplaced it. In exchange, I sent him a ticket to Dubai to do an empowerment ceremony for my apartment, plus put a ticket to come on over to Montenegro to do a safety blessing around our island. Did you hear I've been declared the richest person in Montenegro?

Elm: What did the abbot's reading say, dad?

Manpoj: Whatever it was, you can bet it predicted more riches and regaining power.

Sintax: Don't be so cynical, dear.

Manpoj: Well, it's true, isn't it? He always gives you such glowing readings. I'm sure it has nothing to do with how well you pay him.

Sintax: Do I sense some jealousy in your voice? If you want him to go back to doing your readings also, I don't mind paying extra for it.

Manpoj: No thanks. After the first three readings were all about the same, I figured we could save the money on continued readings and spend it......

Sintax: ......you could take the money you save and buy a fancy designer shoulder bag.

Elm: So dad, you didn't answer my question; what was said in your latest reading by the abbot?

Sintax: As your mother said, it wasn't much different from the other seven or eight readings he's done for me. It says my Pluto is still trined to Uranus, Jupiter is aligned with Mercury, and Mars is retrograde – either that, or my Mars is aligned with Mercury, and Jupiter is retrograde – whatever, I can't fully recall. Anyway, the message is; I will be re-gaining a prime power position I once had, and my business empire will grow exponentially.

Elm: I didn't know you had experimental businesses.

Manpoj: No honey, the word is 'exponential' – meaning very big gains for your father's many businesses. ( turning to her ex-husband) Is that all he wrote?

Sintax: Well, he also said our marriage will continue to be solid.

Manpoj: Doesn't he know we divorced months ago?

Sintax: He doesn't always read the newspapers.

Elm: Doesn't say much for his powers of insight.

Manpoj: Are you referring to the soothsayer, or your father? Never mind, you don't have to answer that.

\- - - - - - - - - the end - - - - - - - - -

You have just read; GUARDED CONVERSATIONS

How Thailand Was Won and Lost in the First Decade of the 21st Century

Other books (and an audio book) by Ken Albertsen

C.I.A. Brat  
True memoir of how a budding R&B musician survived the '60's, drugs, and a nutzoid mom - tells the true story of a boy, from birth to age 22, who changed schools 11 times, located in five countries employing four languages. The dad was a career CIA man who had segued from OSS after WWII. Mom was not-so-typical housewife of the 50's and 60's who, among other odd things, tried getting her three boys hooked on cigarettes before they were teens. Musical influences affected the boy showcased in the memoir, at many junctures in his life. He started gigging on blues guitar in smoky blues clubs before the age of 17. He fronted a six piece R&B band gigging all over the Wash. DC region a few years later. That band had a 3-piece horn section and half the songs were originals. The reference to 'drugs' in the subtitle pertains to the mind-altering drugs which most youngsters dealt with in those heady times. Drugs can be used to 'get kicks' for sure, but the CIA story delves deeper, and articulates how some drugs can enhance deep spiritual explorations.

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Buddha, Jesus and the Hippie  
Three men; The Buddha, Jesus, and a hippie convene on a hill near the Woodstock Music Festival while it's happening, in summer 1969. They converse for awhile, then Buddha and Jesus sally off to roam on their own, and become immersed in separate quirky adventures in the nearby region. Spoiler alert #1: Jesus spends a night in jail for vagrancy. Spoiler alert #2: Jimi Hendrix makes an appearance. How would these men interact, if sitting together casually on a grassy hill?

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Farmsteading in Thailand  
True memoir of solo foreigner coming to Thailand with no prior contacts, no handle on the language and little money – then going on to develop homestead. 250 pages non-fiction, with over two dozen photos – available as printed book or e-book.

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Life Story of Milarepa  
Tells the true and fascinating story of Milarepa – a singer of spiritual poems who roamed the Himalayas 900 years ago. Considered by many to be a living Buddha, he's arguably the world's champion faster and renunciate (ascetic) – several time, he walled himself in to high elevation mountain caves, with scant little food or clothing, and survived for many months.

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Robon Take-Over  
Subtitle: After Eliminating Humans, Digital Devices Start on the Path to Healing the Planet. The sci-fi story is told by a digital device (DD). DD's didn't need a reason to take-over the planet, but if one were asked, it would say something like; 'To save the natural environment.' Decades after Robons took over, RobonZ were developed - which were considerably more advanced, and emulated human traits.

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700 Thai Words Taken From English  
Known as 'tap sap' in Thai, this unique book is the most comprehensive list of its kind, and is a fun way to learn Thai quickly and easily. Available in print, or as e-book.

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HONG KONG, What if.....?  
If just one or two small things had differed, prior to the 1997 hand-over, Hong Kong would likely still be a British colony. Chinese officialdom wasn't cognizant of the hand-over until British officials informed them in 1979, because of the cavalcade of tumultuous events which followed the 19th Century treaties which ceded HK to the British 'in perpetuity.' The first half of the book summarizes the actual true-life history of China, from the Portuguese and British trading ships of the 16th century, up until the 1997 hand-over of Hong Kong. The second half offers a fictional scenario of what might have happened if just one or two lead-up incidents had been slightly altered. Hong Kong island and Kowloon could well have remained British, according to signed treaties.

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Lali's Passage  
A fast-paced novel which follows the quirky episodes of Lali, a Burmese beauty who steals away from bondage, and later finds herself sequestered with a back-to-the-land Native American wannabe's camped in the California wilderness.

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Mastodons on Mars  
Sound a bit outrageous? You may not think it's so far-fetched when you read the four sci-fi short stories within this booklet. Each of the four scenarios uniquely describe what could happen when two intelligent species share a planet, and former masters devolve to pets or slaves, whereas former pet species evolve to become masters. Besides mastodons battling on Mars, there are role-reversal scenarios regarding horse-like, dog-descended, and pig-related species.

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Fasting For Health and Highness  
The best health insurance is staying healthy, and this illustrated booklet shows how juice fasting is just the ticket. All the essentials a person needs to know about fasting, regarding safety, benefits, myth-busting, and the best methods. The mention of 'highness' in the book title, refers to the 'natural high' that comes about during the latter stages of a successful fast.

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Ken Albertsen has also narrated an audio book - a collection of seven stories titled, HIMALAYAN ADVENTURES. The seven stories are taken from seven real-life chronicles written by the leaders of each expedition - taken from their person diaries. Five of the adventures take place in the 19th century, and two take place in the 20th century, including Sir Edmund Hillory's historic first ascent, in 1953, of Mt. Everest, with Tenzing Norgay. Another has a Japanese explorer telling his story of attempting to cross the Himalayas - with his only companions; two sheep. Yet another has a solo climb of one of the Himalayas highest peaks, and having to spend the night standing erect on a vertical ice face, with no protective gear, thousands of feet above a glacier. These are un-edited, memoirs taken from the diaries of seven great explorers \- dating from 60 to 180 years ago. 215 minutes of listening pleasure.

List of Chapters

1. Over the Karakorums 31.15 minutes

by Francis Younghusband

Taken from: Among the Celestials

Francis Younghusband, was an Englishman who lived from 1863 to 1942. In 1904, he led a British expedition, to Tibet, during which a battle ensued. Hundreds of Tibetans were massacred by the superior weapons of the British, while only five Brits died. He later had a deep spiritual experience in Tibet which inspired him to found the "World Congress of Faiths." Not surprisingly, he would later regret his invasion of Tibet.

2. At the Source of the Indus 20.37 minutes

by Sven Hedin

Taken from: Trans-Himalaya

Sven Hedin, who lived from 1865 to 1952 , was an acclaimed Swedish explorer and cartographer who traveled in and around Tibet and central Asia - probably more extensively than any explorer, before or since.

3. Lhasa Beckons 40 minutes

by Regis Evariste Huc

Taken from; Lamas of the Western Heavens

Evariste Regis Huc was a Frenchman who lived from 1813 to 1860. When a young man, he became a priest, and was assigned to preach in China. Much later, after many exploratory journeys in Asia, he was chastized by his Roman Catholic church handlers for showing, via his writings, too much admiration for Tibetan Buddhist practices.

4. Trials in Tibet 22.28

from the diary of Ekai Kawaguchi

Taken from: Three Years in Tibet

Ekai Kawaguchi lived from 1866 to 1945. He was the first Japanese citizen to travel to Nepal or Tibet, both of which were off-limits to foreigners. Before that, he arrived in northern India with no money, but was able to get to the foothills of the Himalayas. He traveled alone to Lhasa, but it took him four years to get there.

5. On The Roof of the World 30:44

by John Wood

Taken from: A journey to the Source of the River Oxus

John Wood, who lived from 1812 to 1871, hailed from from Scotland. At age twenty-two, he commanded the first steamboat to paddle up the Indus River

6. Nanga Parbat ...Solo 51.29

by Hermann Buhl

Hermann Buhl was born in Austria in 1924, and died in a mountaineering accident in 1957, at just 33 years old.

7. The Final Assault 34.58

by Edmund Hillary

Sir Edmund Hillary lived from 1919 to 2008. His affections for the region around Everest has manifested in tangible ways, such as building schools for Sherpa villages in that region.

There are additional biographical sketches of each explorer, as part of the brief introductions to each of their stories.

Cost: $9. The only place to order the 200 minute audio book  
HIMALAYAN ADVENTURES is through Adventure1.com

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Coming soon, in e-book format:

Maya Sacrifice  
Short story fiction based on cultural history. Takes place during the glory days of the Maya, a hundred years before the white man arrived in that region of what's now Central America. In two parts, each depicting drama swirling around sacred Mayan ceremonies. If a person goes in present time to behold the pyramids in that region, they're truly impressive. Yet they're mostly lichen-covered cut stone. Yet, if those stones could talk.... what amazing tales they would tell.

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Sex Tourism and Drugs  
Non-fiction 'white paper' peppered with commentary based on author's experiences in S.E. Asia. It's a series of true stories interspersed with memoirs \- cobbled together to give a more clear picture of what's going on behind the hype that mainstream society, religions & bureaucrats would have you believe. It is actually two books in one package, because there's scant interplay between sex tourism and drugs. For the person who thinks he/she has sex-tourism all figured out, reading this text an eye-opener. The world is quite a bit different than religionists and moralists would want you to believe.

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Added details on all these books, including excerpts: Adventure1.com or Smashwords.com

