>> Stephen: FOLKS HERE'S
SOMETHING WE'RE ALL EXCITED
ABOUT HERE AT CBS.
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS
EARLIER THAT YOU KNOW IT'S
TRUMP'S 100th DAY COMING UP
THIS WEEKEND.
OUR GOOD FRIEND, JOHN DICKERSON,
THE NATION FACE HIMSELF OF "FACE
THE NATION" HAS THE 100-DAY
INTERVIEW ON "FACE THE NATION"
THIS SUNDAY.
YOU WANT TO CHECK THAT OUT.
AND ON "CBS THIS MORNING--" IS
IT LIVE?
LIVE ON MONDAY MORNING THEY'LL
BE AT THE WHITE HOUSE AGAIN WITH
THE PRESIDENT TO TALK ABOUT THE
FIRST 100 DAYS.
YOU HAVE TO FIGURE IF HE'S DOING
"FACE THE NATION" AND "CBS THIS
MORNING," YOU HAVE TO FIGURE AT
SOME POINT HE'LL COME BY HERE.
>> Jon: HE HAS TO COME
THROUGH.
>> Stephen: I THINK LEGALLY
THE CONSTITUTION REQUIRES HIM TO
COME BY THE SHOW.
THE TRIFECTA.
YOU'RE WELCOME ANY TIME.
YOU'RE WELCOME ANY TIME.
WOULDN'T WE LOVE HIM TO STOP BY?
( APPLAUSE )
FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT
NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION BUT I HAVE
TO SAY HIS NAME SO THE BAND
KNOWS WHEN TO START PLAYING.
PLEASE WELCOME TOM HANKS.
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> NOW, LOOK --
>> Stephen: YES, SIR.
YES, SIR.
>> I KNOW-- I KNOW THAT THERE'S
BEEN-- THERE'S BEEN A BIG, BIG
SWING-- THERE'S BEEN A SWING IN
THE STATUS BETWEEN YOU AND THE
TWO JIMMIES, WHICH I EMBRACE
CONTINUOUSLY.
>> Stephen: WHO I LOVE.
WHO I LOVE.
>> THEY'RE FABULOUS GUYS.
THEY PUT ON GREAT SHOWS.
BUT HERE'S WHAT HAS HAPPENED,
STEPHEN-- AMERICA WANTS TO GO TO
BED AT NIGHT KNOWING THAT THERE
IS SOMEONE UP ON THAT WALL.
( LAUGHTER )
NOT THAT WALL.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU WATCHING
"GAME OF THRONES?"
WHAT WALL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
HERE.
>> JACK NICHOLSON-- "YOU CAN'T
HANDLE THE TRUTH" WALT WALL.
AND THEY WANT TO KNOW SOMEBODY
IS LOOKING OUT FOR US, THEN--
LOOKING AT THEM, BUT LOOKING OUT
FOR US.
AND THAT MAN IS JON BATISTE
RIGHT OVER THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: HE GIVES AND HE
GIVES AND HE GIVES.
>> SO AS SOON AS WE SEE THAT
LITTLE MELLED ONIA GOING, WE
SLEEP LIKE BABIES.
WHERE IS IT?
>> Jon: OH, YEAH I GOT A
LITTLE TASTE FOR YOU.
>> IS IT TRUE YOU STARTED
LEARNING THAT SIMPLY BECAUSE IT
ONLY TAKES ONE HAND TO PLAY?
LOOK AT THAT.
>> Jon: I LIKE TO GET UP FROM
THE PIANO.
SO THAT'S YI STARTED PLAYING IT,
YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: IN NEW ORLEANS
THEY MARCH EVERYWHERE.
THERE'S NO PUBLIC
TRANSPORTATION.
THEY HAVE TO MARCH EVERYWHERE IN
NEW ORLEANS, SO SAD.
SO SAD.
THEY MADE THE BEST OF A BAD
SITUATION.
>> Jon: EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I SAID RIGHT NOW I
DIDN'T NEED TO INTRODUCE YOU,
BUT IF YOU WERE TO INTRODUCE TOM
HANKS WHAT, WOULD YOU SAY WITH
BTHIS TOM HANKS FELLOW?
HOW WOULD YOU CHARACTERIZE HIM?
>> UH, UH, OKAY, HERE'S --
>> Stephen: NOT TO PUT YOU ON
THE SPOT.
>> WELL, THAT PUTS ME ON THE
SPOT IN A BIG WAY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S MY JOB.
>> I WOULD SAY HERE'S A MAN
WHO'S BROTHER IS A TENURED
PROFESSOR IN ENTOMOLOGY AT THE
UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS.
MY BROTHER IS AN ENTYMOLOGIST,
SO THIS IS TRUE.
IT'S ACTUALLY-- MY WIFE AND I'S
ANNIVERSARY IS ON SUNDAY, 29
YEARS.
>> Stephen: OH,
CONGRATULATIONS.
W>> WE WERE ON OUR ANNIVERSARY,
AND WE SAW THESE COLLEGE STUDENT
THAT HAD THESE ODD LITTLE
SUCTION CUPPY KIND OF THINGS,
AND THEY WERE AT THE BACK OF
CACTI DOG SOMETHING AT THE BASE
OF CACTI, AND WE SAID, "CAN WE
ASK YOU A QUESTION?
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?"
AND THEY SAID, "WE'RE ENTOMOLOGY
STUDENTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF
CALIFORNIA RIVERSIDE," WHICH IS
A BIG THING FOR ME BECAUSE MY
BROTHER EARNED HIS DOCKET RATE
AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA
RIVERSIDE.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS YOUR
BROTHER'S NAME?
>> MY BROTHER'S NAME IS LARRY.
BUT HE INSISTS ON BEING CALLED
PROFESSOR LAWRENCE.
THEY WERE SUCK OUT TEENY LITTLE
INSECT.
AND I SAID, YOU KNOW, MY BROTHER
IS AN ENTYMOLOGIST.
AND THEY SAID, "YEAH, YEAH."
AND HE ACTUALLY-- NOT ONLY DID
HE GET HIS DOCTORATE FROM
RIVERSIDE, BUT HE USES TO TEACH
THERE.
>> AND THEY SAID, "YEAH, YEAH."
AND I SAID, "MY-- MY BROTHER--
WELL, WELL, I'M TOM HANKS."
AND THEY SAID, "YEAH, AND YOUR
BROTHER'S DR. LARRY HANKS."
SO I WAS LIKE-- I WAS THE FAMOUS
GUY'S BROTHER AT, YOU KNOW, AT
THE THING.
AND IT RATTLED ME JUST A TINY
BIT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> AND MY BROTHER JIM IS STILL
ANGRY ABOUT IT.
MY SISTER SANDRA STILL CAN'T
QUITE--
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: YEAH.
IT'S NICE THOUGH, IS HE OLDER OR
YOUNGER?
>> OLDER.
>> Stephen: GOOD TO KEEP YOU
HUMBLE.
OLDER BROTHERS SHOULD DO THAT.
>> HE FOUND MANY A WAY TO KEEP
ME HUMBLE WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A FEW
THINGS THAT DO YOU THAT WOULD BE
HARD TO STAY HUMBLE AFTER HAVING
DONE.
THERE WAS A BIG STORY TWO WEEKS
AGO, BARACK OBAMA WAS ON DAVE
GEFFEN'S YACHT IN FRENCH
POLYNESIA, BEST OF ALL THE
POLYNESIAS.
>> IT WAS.
WAY WESTERN-- WAY BETTER THAN
DUTCH POLYNESIA.
>> Stephen: PLEASE.
>> IT'S NO FIJI OR MONGOLIA, BUT
NONETHELESS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'LL-- ALWAYS PAYS TO WATCH THE
AUDIENCE WARM-UPS, STEPHEN.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU DO THAT UP
IN YOUR PENTHOUSE BEFORE THE
SHOW.
>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO.
>> BEFORE YOU TAKE THE-- WHAT IS
IT THE BAT POLE DOWN.
>> Stephen: I'M UP ON THE
WALL, TOM.
I'M UP ON THE WALL WITH JON.
>> YOU'RE UP ON THAT WALL.
>> Stephen: EATING CHICKEN
PARMESAN.
>> YEAH, THAT MADE THE NEWS.
IT WAS INTERESTING.
AND BOTH OPRAH AND I WERE REALLY
PISSED OFF BECAUSE --
>> Stephen: BECAUSE IT WAS THE
PRESIDENT, THE FIRST LADY,
OPRAH, YOU, AND BRUCE
SPRINGSTEEN.
>> IS THIS THE WAY WE ARE IN THE
WORLD?
IS THIS WHAT'S GOING ON IN
SOCIAL MEDIA THAT OPRAH AND I
CANNOT GO ON A BILLIONAIRE'S
BOAT TO TAHITI WITH A FORMER
PROFIT UNITED STATES AND NOT
KEEP IT SECRET FOR GOD'S SAKES!
IS THIS WHERE WE ARE, STEPHEN
COLBERT.
>> Stephen: I'M SO SORRY.
>> IT WAS NOT-- LOOK, IMAGINE--
IMAGINE WHAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN
LIKE.
TRIPLE IT.
IT WAS LIKE-- IT WAS OFF THE
SCALE FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU DO?
DO YOU JUST SIT ON THE BOAT--
>> I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING THAT
HAPPENED TO TOM HANKS, TO LITTLE
TOMMY HANKS.
>> Stephen: LARRY'S BROTHER.
>> LARRY'S BROTHER.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS TO
HIM.
HE GETS SCREWED, AND I'LL TELL
YOU HOW.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> I'LL TELL YOU HOW.
IN THE BAD WAY, IN THE
PEJORATIVE WAY, NOT IN THE
DELIGHTFUL WAY.
>> Stephen: WHO KNOWS?
YOU'RE ON A BOAT.
INTERNATIONAL WATERS, TOM.
INTERNATIONAL WATERS.
>> ACTUALLY, NO WE WERE--
ANYWAY, FRENCH POLYNESIA.
YOU'RE THERE AND EVERY DAY IS
JUST LIKE CRAZY "LOVE BOAT,"
SCANDALS RESORT FANTASTIC.
AND THEY SAY, "HEY, TOMORROW,
LET'S-- LET'S GET-- WE'LL GET
SOME BIKES."
AND THERE'S, LIKE, THERE'S A LOT
OF PEOPLE PLUS THERE'S SECRET
SERVICE.
THERE'S THAT ASPECT OF IT.
THEY CALL A GUY THAT SAYS RENT
BIKES, ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY.
I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY-- THERE
WERE A LOT.
THERE WERE A LOT OF US.
WE GO ON SHORES AND A RAY
BICYCLES HAVE BEEN PROCURED FOR
US, RENTED FROM ALL CORNERS OF
POLYNESIA AND TAHITI, BORA BORA.
THEY'VE ALL-- THEY'VE ALL COME.
AND BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG,
BANG.
EVERYBODY GETS ON THEIR BIKES
AND TAKES OFF.
AND I'M GOING TO TELL YOU RIGHT
NOW.
THERE WERE SOME GREAT BIKES
THERE.
THERE WERE SOME JUST FINE AND
DANDY BIKES.
AND THERE WAS ONE PIECE OF JUNK,
HUNK A JUNK BIKE.
WHO DO YOU THINK GOT THE PIECE
OF JUNK, HUNK A JUNK BIKES.
THE SECRET SERVICE HOP ON THE
SHINEOLA BIKES WITH THE BELLS
AND STREAMERS THAT COME OFF THE
HANDLE BAR S.
>> Stephen: THAT'S FOR
SECURITY.
>> OFF THEY GO, THE FORMER--
OPRAH-- THEY'RE ALL GONE, AND I
HAVE A BIKE THAT YOU COULDN'T
DELIVER NEWSPAPERS WITH.
( LAUGHTER )
IT WAS-- FIRST OF ALL, IT WAS AN
UNDERSIZED GIRL'S BIKE, YOU
KNOW, WITH THE THING-- NOT THE--
NOT THE MANLY BAR.
BUT THE LITTLE-- THAT THING THAT
GOES DOWN THERE.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> IT WAS RUSTED, LIKE, ALL
OVER.
AND INSTEAD OF THE HANDLE BARS
OUT LIKE THAT, THEY WERE IN LIKE
THIS.
AND NOT ONLY THAT, IT ONLY HAD
ONE GEAR PAWMENT OTHERS WERE,
LIKE, MOUNTAIN BIKES 27 GEARS
AND SHIFTERS.
I LITERALLY HAVE A SINGLE
SPROKET AND COASTER BRAKES THAT
HARDLY-- AND I'M LIKE-- AND THEY
SAID IT'S TAHITIAN ISLANDS ARE
BEAUTIFUL TO GO BIKING BECAUSE
IT'S SO FLAT.
NONSENSE!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FRENCH
WORD IS.
IT IS NOT!
THIS IS WHAT MY VIEW OF RIDING A
BIKE IN TAHITI WAS,
UP-UP-UP-HUP-UP-UP.
AND I'M GOING LIKE THIS.
IT WAS SO BAD I PASSED, LIKE, MY
SIXTH TAHITIAN CORRUGATED TIN
HUT OF THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE
THERE-- THEY CAN LIVE IN LIKE--
IT'S PARADISE.
EVERY ONE OF WHICH HAD CHICKENS
RUNNING AROUND IN THE FRONT, A
VERY MEAN DOG ON A ROPE, A
MINIATURE SATELLITE DISH POINTED
TO THE HORIZON.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> AND VERY NICE PEOPLE WHO
WOULD WAVE TO ME-- THEY WAVE TO
EVERYBODY AS THEY WENT BY, AND
THEY SAVED FOR ME THESE WORDS IN
THE LOCAL LANGUAGE, "CRAPPY
BIKE."
( LAUGHTER )
LIKE THIS.
IT WAS MISERABLE!
( CHEERS )
IT WAS MISSERABLE!
SO YOU TELL ME.
DO YOU WANT TO REPEAT THAT
EXERCISE?
DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK ON THAT
VACATION BOAT?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'D RATHER GO BACK AND GET
LEGIONNAIRE'S DISEASE ON THAT
BOAT.
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU'RE ON
SOMETHING LIKE THAT, HOW FAMOUS
ARE YOU, IS MY QUESTION?
WHEN YOU LOOK AROUND THAT BOAT
AND SEE OPRAH AND BRUCE AND THE
PRESIDENT AND DAVID GEFFEN IS
THERE.
DO YOU GO, "HOLY COW!
"
OR DO YOU GO, "WEDNESDAY."
>> VERY LOW ON THE FOOD CHAIN ON
THAT ONE.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> WELL, IT'S ALL ABOUT HOW YOU
PARTICIPATE IN THE
CONVERSATIONS.
BECAUSE IT'S REALLY ABOUT GREAT
IDEAS THAT ARE TALKED ABOUT AT
BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND DINNER.
AND YOU JUST WANT TO GET THERE
AND HUNG ON EVERY WORD, AND I'D
LOVE TO SHARE A TON OF STORIES
WITH YOU FROM IT.
BUT THEY'RE CLASSIFIED.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: OH,.
>> LITERALLY THERE WERE A COUPLE
OF TIMES WE SAID, "HEY WHAT
ABOUT THE THING WITH THE STUFF
AND THE THING LIKE THAT,
MR. PRESIDENT.
AND HE SAID, "YOU KNOW, I'D LIKE
TO SHARE THAT WITH YOU, BUT IT'S
CLASSIFIED."
>> Stephe>> AND HE WAS NOT JOCKI
>> Stephen: THE THING AND THE
STUFF IS ABOUT RUSSIA, RIGHT?
