  (applause)
- Welcome back.
So tonight we're
gonna talk about
the economics of being a woman.
By now, everyone
knows that women
only make 79 cents to the dollar
and that's actually why
I shop at Forever 21
  so that I can be reminded
  that I am forever 21 cents
  less valuable than a man.
 (audience groaning)
 Obviously we need to
 narrow the wage gap
 and the thigh gap and
 also the baby gap.
 Nothing there fits me.
 I feel fat.
 Equal pay for equal
 work is a no brainer.
 So let's talk about
 all the bullshit
 women have to go through
 just to make less than men.
 Let's start at the beginning.
Getting ready for work.
It takes the average
woman three times longer
  to get ready than
  the average man.
And even longer if you're ugly.
  (audience laughs)
  That's extra time
  a man can spend
 reading, exercising,
 or masturbating.
 Whereas I have to multitask.
 And let me tell you,
 it's hard to get
 through Angela's Ashes
  while you're jackalackin'
  on an elliptical.
  (audience laughs)
  I know some of you guys
  are probably just saying,
 "Well, why don't you just stop
 putting shit on your face.
 "We like you better
 without makeup."
And to that, I'll say a
resounding, "Fuck you."
 'Cause every time
 I don't wear makeup
I get asked if I'm sick.
  They're like, "Did someone
  in your family die?"
 I'm like, "No, I just woke up
 feeling pretty and confident.
 "Sorry, won't happen again."
 Here's the sick thing.
 Studies show that
 women who wear makeup
  actually earn more money,
  which those women
  are going to need
  because makeup is
  expensive as fuck.
  Kurt, do you have any
  idea how much this costs?
  - Well, what, you
  mean the nose job?
  (laughing)
- I haven't yet.
 It took over an hour
 to do this tonight.
 And yes, I do feel
 better about myself
with my mask on.
 But it's only
 because without it,
 I don't deserve love.
  Look, it feels
  like it sometimes.
  I know damn well
  that being a woman
 is both awesome and a complete
 pain in the ass at time.
 But I wanted to hear it
 from someone who understands
  both sides of the
  gender equation.
 So I sat down with a friend,
  comedian Riley Silverman,
 who came out as a
 woman six years ago.
 Riley, I haven't
 seen you for a while.
- It's been a long time.
- You really do have an
interesting perspective
  because you lived as a man
  and now you're
  living as a woman.
Do you enjoy the extra
effort of being a woman?
 - I think at first it
 was really enjoyable
 because it was part
 of this ritual.
And you're like, "Oh
my God, I'm doing this.
 "This is my everyday life."
Then after a month, you're like,
 "This is my everyday life."
 - Has there been a spike in
 costs since transitioning.
 - Everything is a
 little bit more money.
 Like everything costs more.
Like haircuts cost more,
clothing is always more
money for lower quality.
 And then just even
 having to buy makeup.
- Yeah.
 - This adds up really fast.
  - You're a pretty
  big fashionista.
 That's gotta be a huge
 difference in your wardrobe.
- Yeah.
 - Talk to me about the
 change in cost there.
 - Everyday, so I had to
 have like a different skirt.
 And that's like in my morning,
 there's a lot of days where
 I'm that exact stereotypical,
"I don't have anything to wear."
 And I have a closet
 full of clothes.
 - Yes.
  - Not only would it be
  when I was living as a man
would I just wear a
pair of jeans every day.
 It would be the same jeans.
Like you'd wear the same
jeans for like a month.
 - Like how women wear bras.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Do you sleep in a bra?
 - [Riley] No.
 - [Nikki] Most women don't.
 But I like, I need it.
 It's like comforting because
 my mom never hugged me.
(laughs)
 It really is expensive
 being a woman.
  Products directed at women
 like lotions,
 razors, and shampoo,
 consistently cost more
 than similar products
directed at men.
 Because I guess it's pricey
giving all our
deodorants tiny waists.
 If it isn't shaped like a lady
  then how will I
  know it's for me?
  That literally is what it.
They call this price
discrepancy the pink tax
  because, I guess,
  vaginas are pink.
  I don't know, mine
  isn't, whatever.
  But that's something that
  I don't think a lot of men
 ever think about which
 brings me to periods.
  And sorry, I know,
  I'm gonna talk
 about periods for a second.
But I'm on mine, so I'll
fucking do what I want.
  (audience laughs)
  I'm not, I'm late.
  (audience laughs)
No, a little while back
we did a segment
called Pay Your Tab Cab
 where I picked up
 guys from a strip club
 and then gave them a
 chance to win money
 by answering
 questions about women.
 At one point in their ride,
I asked these men to demonstrate
their knowledge of periods.
 Here's what happened?
 (funky music)
Alright it is time for
the red zone challenge.
 Are you ready?
  - Excited
 - What do we gotta do?
  - I am like on my
  period right now.
  Here's 50 dollars.
  I just need you
  to go inside there
  and just get me anything
  that you think will help.
- Okay.
 - Go, go, go.
 - [Man In Hoodie] Hey.
  - What'd you get?
 - I got all the good stuff.
- Yeah.
  - Stuffed turtle.
  - Okay, why this?
  - 'Cause when you're
  cramping you need cuddles.
 You know, you're sad.
 - And pink because?
 - 'Cause girl.
(laughs)
 - Okay, well, we
 got you right here.
 We got you covered.
 I got you the pads.
  - What are those?
Those look like diapers.
  - They only had a 34 pack
  and I don't know
  how many you use.
  - You got me pads?
Do you think I'm Mormon?
 What the hell is this?
 - I don't know how they work.
  - I'll just like,
  I'll roll these up
 and stick 'em up
 like they're tampons.
- Good.
 - [Nikki] Cool.
 - [Blonde Man] That's good.
- These are the
nessentials, you ready?
- Okay.
  - Chocolate with almonds.
 - Okay, okay, we're talking.
  - I even got three
  chocolate bars.
 Two for you and one for me.
 - Oh my God, that's
 so sweet of you.
  - That way I don't got
  to ask for none of yours.
 And you don't got to
 ask for none of mine.
 - It's nice that you think
 about yourself in these times.
 Anything else?
 - I got you a Lean Cuisine.
  - I'm on my period
  not suicide watch.
  - Condolence card.
 - Our thoughts are with you.
  This is a condolence card
 because you're going
 through your period.
 - Yes.
I thought you'd need it.
 - You're not wrong.
  - For somebody who ain't
  never had a period before
 I think I did okay.
  - You really did,
  you really did.
- Yeah.
 - I hope you get one.
 - I hope I don't because it's
 a lot of shit for a period.
 - Isn't it?
  (audience cheers)
 The struggle is real.
The minutes and dollars it takes
  to look normal as
  a woman add up.
So the next time I hear an actor
  from some movie
  complaining about,
  "Oh, I had to sit
  in a makeup chair
 "for three hours to
 look like a monster."
 Try and remember that
 we do that every day
 so people don't think
 we look like monsters.
 We'll be right back.
  (audience cheers)
