

## Monster Pirate Cheese Boy

### By

### Suzanna Stanbury

SMASHWORDS EDITION

*****

PUBLISHED BY

Suzanna Stanbury on Smashwords

Monster Pirate Cheese Boy

Copyright © 2011 Suzanna Stanbury

Smashwords Edition

License Notes

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Cover art by Liz Ascott Copyright © 2013

### Chapter One

###  Fromagium

It was the day of Trixie Tracy Buttercup Fleming's birthday party and the perfect opportunity for Alfie Rains to go next door and explore their garden.

"Alfie!" called his mother. "It's time to go to Trixie's party."

"I'm ready!" Alfie pelted down the stairs, his legs going like pistons. "Come on, Mum – let's go."

Trixie Tracy Buttercup Fleming was eight years old with tweakable curly red hair and a liking for clothes in all shades of purple.

"Yuck," said Alfie, when he spotted Trixie's party dress.

"Alfie," snapped his mother. "Be nice. I think Trixie looks delightful – just like a lilac cupcake. Alfie! Don't do that! Go and play!"

Alfie didn't need a second invitation. Kicking up the soles of his scuffed trainers, he sped to end of the garden. He'd been longing to poke about down there for ages. Many times Alfie had spied Trixie's father, Professor Fleming, walk to the end of his garden and disappear.

A line of conifer trees, their thick branches meshed tightly together stretched all the way to the far fence. Pushing and pulling at the greenery, try hard as he might, Alfie couldn't see any way through to the other side.

"Rats!" said Alfie, startling a blackbird that flew out of the trees quite close to his face.

"Hmm, I wonder..." said Alfie. Pushing away a branch in the place where the blackbird had emerged, he struggled through the dark green frondery. Twigs poked his cheek and pine fronds tickled his ear, getting into his mouth and sticking up his nose, but Alfie was determined to fight his way through. Closing his eyes against the prodding branches, he pushed forwards and then stopped. Alfie could go no further as his nose was pressed up against a window.

"Hmm, mysterious," he muttered, trying to wriggle his arm up to shine a clear patch on the glass, but it was far too dirty for him to see what was inside. Alfie edged along until he reached the corner of the wall.

He'd come out into a small yard. The shed – for that was what he'd come up against, was quite large and completely hidden behind the conifers. Alfie rattled the door handle. It was locked. This time, he pulled the handle so hard his fingers slipped and he fell backwards.

"Grrr," said Alfie. "Blinking door." He bounced up, giving the door a swift, but powerful kick. It quivered under his boot and something fell from up above, whizzing past his nose, to land on the ground at his feet. Alfie grinned. Using the key to unlock the door, he gave it a shove. The door flew open, hitting the wall inside.

It was light inside the shed. Glass panels set into the roof let in a surprising amount of light. Cobwebs strung from the roof supports jiggled in the draught from the open door, disturbed dust settled in grey heaps over shelves that groaned under the weight of boxes, jars and bottles.

"Wowza," said Alfie. Venturing further inside and turning round in circles, he stared at the walls packed with shelves. All along one wall of the shed was a bench with a row of brass-handled drawers set into its base. A wooden chair with wheels screwed to the legs squeaked as he pushed it. Alfie tried one of the drawers. It opened easily and was filled with glass rods, trays, small rubber-ended straws and more paperclips than he'd ever seen before. He took a tiny red paperclip and put it in his pocket. Alfie's eyes strayed to the shelf above the bench where a long line of glass jars of every shape and size were filled with an eye-popping assortment of strange contents.

"Heatherbat?" said Alfie, squinting at a faded label. Inching along the bench, he read the labels on any jars that took his fancy. At the far end of the bench was an old oak shelving unit covered in little boxes. Each box had a neatly written label. Alfie picked one up. " _Iron particulum_." A mess of tiny black specks flew out as he flipped the lid. Alfie stuffed the lid back on so fast; he elbowed the shelf next to him, almost sending a jar crashing to the floor.

"Phew," said Alfie, catching it. The jar seemed to be full of moss floating in a bright green liquid. He unscrewed the lid and took a sniff at its contents.

"Pooh!" Alfie crammed the lid back on and replaced it quickly on the shelf. Next, he pulled the handle of one of the drawers. It moved about a millimetre then refused to budge any further no matter how hard he tried. Planting his feet firmly on the floor Alfie gave the handle a tremendous yank – the drawer flew out, strewing papers everywhere.

"Stinkers!" Alfie dropped to his hands and knees and began scooping papers back into the drawer. All the time he was putting the things back he kept looking behind him to check Professor Fleming hadn't appeared in the doorway. The Professor was a large bearded fellow with a deep voice. His jet black spiky eyebrows met in the middle over deep-set eyes making him look as if he were permanently cross. Alfie shuddered. He was absolutely sure Professor Fleming wouldn't be at all amused if he knew someone, particularly Alfie, had been poking about in his secret workshop. When the papers were all back in place, Alfie picked up the drawer and was just trying to slot it into the workbench when he noticed something hidden in the space at the back of the drawer hole. He poked his arm in and began fishing about.

"Got it!" Out came a dusty old tin box. It took a bit of prising to get the lid off. Eventually, it popped open revealing two bars wrapped in brown paper. Both had labels which said:

Fromagium

"Yum – chocolate!" Alfie pulled the paper apart on one of the bars for a closer look. He snapped off two squares, popped them in his mouth and began chewing. "Funny tasting chocolate," he muttered, chewing hard. "Nice though. I'll try a bit more." Soon, Alfie had chomped an entire bar. He crumpled up the paper and stuffed it in his pocket then replaced the other bar in the tin box. Then he put the drawer back, giving it one last shove to make sure it closed properly.

Alfie stretched out his arms and looked around the workshop for somewhere comfy to sit. He tried the wheeled chair but the plastic seat was slippery and hard. At the far end, tucked in the corner was a high-backed basket-weave chair, with a flowered cushion on the seat.

"Yuck, purple." Alfie flung the cushion on the floor. He climbed onto the chair, trying to wriggle into a comfortable position but the wickerwork kept poking him in the back. Reluctantly, he grabbed the cushion and stuffed it behind him.

"Better," said Alfie. His eyes began to close, and soon he was fast asleep.

Strange dreams visited Alfie, making him fidget, and moan in his sleep. Twitching and thrashing, his arms and legs flailed, until eventually Alfie fell out of the chair.

"Ouch." Realising he must have been asleep for some time Alfie jumped up and raced out of the workshop, stopping just in time when he remembered to lock the door. He had to throw the key up to the lintel a few times and on the third time it stayed put.

From the little yard, it was plain to see the trees had been shaped to give easy access to the garden. But, in the garden beyond the trees, no-one would have any idea the secret entrance was there. Alfie put his hands together, parting the pine fronds and moments later was standing on the grass at the bottom of the Fleming's garden.

He turned around, and sure enough, saw only a solid mass of greenery behind him. Each conifer tree looked exactly like the next, and if it hadn't been for the strange taste in his mouth Alfie could well have believed he'd imagined it all.

A distant shout and a few cheers drifted down the garden. He ran towards the house to see what he'd been missing, hoping no-one had noticed he'd disappeared and that all the food hadn't been eaten.

"The buffet is ready," called Trixie's mother.

"Oh, good," said Alfie, rubbing his hands together. "I'm starving!"

"Don't run, children! Alfie, don't run... oh, goodness!" Mrs Fleming stepped quickly to one side as a horde of children raced towards the table to see what was on offer.

"Eurgh!" said Alfie, shuddering at the sight of celery sticking out of a tall glass. Then his eyes alighted on a tray of sausage rolls, small puffs of pastry still warm from the oven. He was sure a few of those would rid his mouth of the taste from the strange chocolate. Alfie popped one in and then another until only a few were left.

"Oh, Alfie," said Trixie. "You've eaten all the cheese puffs."

"Cheese?" Alfie doubtfully eyed the little pastry roll in his hand. "I hate cheese!"

"Those are my favourite snack," snarled Trixie, giving Alfie a shove. "They were for _my_ party and now you've eaten them all, Mummy!" Curls bouncing off her shoulders as she ran, Trixie belted off into the house.

"Rats!" said Alfie. Suddenly he began to feel rather odd. His face felt warm and his cheeks were burning like a well-stoked fire. "Phew," puffed Alfie. "I am _hot_!" Right then his stomach made a burbling noise and before he could stop it, out of his mouth came an enormously loud burp. It echoed around the table for such a long time the children stopped what they were doing, staring at him in amazement. Alfie clapped both hands over his mouth and looked _very_ surprised.

"There he is, Mummy!" Trixie was dragging her mother along by the hand. "Alfie Rains ate all the cheese puffs, Mummy! Mummy!"

Still feeling peculiar, Alfie crawled under the table. "Groo," he said. And then he collapsed, fainted clean away with his feet sticking out under the table.

*

When he opened his eyes Alfie didn't know where on earth he was, but he knew that he was very, very wet. His head ached, water ran down his nose and into his mouth, and when he licked his lips – they tasted salty like the sea. Cautiously, Alfie moved his head. It felt oddly heavy and his neck hurt. Slowly, he looked up. Masts towered above him, rigging jiggled in the breeze and fresh white sails swayed in and out.

"I'm on a ship," said Alfie, watching a rope slapping against the mast. "How on earth did I get here?" Right then a mighty wave hit the side of the ship, the tip of its white curl came over the deck-rail, sloping water all over him. Another wave hit, sending a shower of needle-sharp droplets onto his face. Alfie tried to get up but couldn't. Wriggling round he managed to sit up – but, something didn't feel quite right to him.

"Cor," said Alfie. His legs appeared to be much longer than usual and he was wearing huge black boots with fold-over cuffs. Scruffy breeches fastened with leather laces finished just level with the boot tops. Alfie banged his feet together, jumped up and kept on going up.

"Wow," said Alfie. "I'm blimmin' ENORMOUS!" So impressed was he, Alfie felt compelled to do a little dance to dry off. His big feet thumped on the deck of the ship, splashing in the water left behind by the waves. He shook his head. "What's that tingling? Ringing dinging?" Looking down his eyes grew wide. "A beard! I've always wanted a beard." Thick and black, the beard was plaited at the end, and tethered with a small golden bell.

His black jacket had lots of gold braid sewn down the front, protruding out of the sleeves were frayed lacy cuffs draping over shovel-sized hands. He waved his hands around, enjoying the feel of the cuffs flapping in the breeze.

"Cor," said Alfie, lifting his hands and staring at them. "My fingers are like sausages." He gave them a wiggle, grinning happily and curling his hands into fists the size of hams. And then Alfie noticed something else. At his waist hung a worn leather belt, silver loops hung down, each holding a dangling cutlass.

"Swords!" Slowly Alfie removed a cutlass and stared at the blade. It was very long and looked razor-sharp. He swished the blade through the air bringing the cutlass down on the deck so hard the point stuck fast in the wood. Alfie yanked at the handle with such force he fell over backwards. Clambering up to his feet, Alfie removed another cutlass and for a while was quite lost in the sheer joy of whirling the blades round his head. Several scythed ropes and a split barrel later, Alfie returned the cutlasses to his sides, stroked the hilts and grinned happily.

"This is great!" Alfie threw back his head and let out a whoop of joy. "Ooh, what's that? A hat." Alfie snatched it up from a puddle on the deck, giving it a good shake. "A real and proper pirate's hat." The hat was large and black with a twisted brim and a gold band and had a broken feather tilting to one side. Cramming the hat back on his head, Alfie stamped his feet again.

"HAR-DE-HAR!" He flicked the tatty scarf hanging round his neck, going cross-eyed to look at the pattern of little knives on the material. "I'm a real live pirate! Ooh!" Enjoying the echoes of his new deep and booming voice bouncing around the ship, Alfie cupped his hands to his mouth. "Hello! Hello!" he shouted. "I'm a mighty pirate and I'm very, very loud!"

When he stopped booming for a moment to catch his breath, Alfie heard a shout. He was just casting a glance around the ship to see where the voice had come from when another shout came from the stern. A shriek followed, and then from out of the hold appeared some hands followed by a scrawny sailor who vaulted onto the deck. Stopping in his tracks when he spotted Alfie, the man began to wail. Then he took to his heels and ran, shouting words Alfie couldn't understand as he raced across the deck. More men appeared, crying out in terror when they saw Alfie.

"ARR!" shouted Alfie, shaking his fists above his head. "ARRRGH!"

He ran at a sailor, chasing him around a mast. Round and round they went until Alfie caught the struggling sailor by his collar.

"Gotcha!" he said, triumphantly. "Ha! Now what am I going to... OW!" Alfie flung his arm wide, sending the sailor flying over the side. Alfie sucked his bitten finger staring down at the churning waves below where the sailor had sunk.

"I'll teach you to bite me, you bumptious barnacles." Alfie leapt across the deck towards the next nearest sailor, thumping his feet down with all his might. "Come here you little..." Suddenly remembering the cutlasses, Alfie pulled them out and let rip a mighty battle cry. The sailors panicked and began to run shrieking in every direction.

Alfie chased the sailors all over the ship, dipping and swooping his blades as he ran. A couple of sailors jumped overboard and swam away, others dived into barrels, some hid in coils of rope – the rest shimmied up the rigging, hugging the masts far above his head.

"HAH!" Alfie put his cutlasses away and shook the mast. "I'm big and I'm _very_ strong!" Bringing his palms together he made a noise like a thunder-clap. A squeak of fear came from above. Looking up, Alfie saw a sailor dangling from a thin rope, his hands slipping downwards, wriggling frantically trying not to drop on Alfie's head.

"Whee!" Alfie caught him, then bounced the sailor over the side. "Oh, ho!" said Alfie. "What have we here?"

Behind a crate a green feather was waving in the breeze. Alfie peered over the top of the crate and smiled. The ship's Captain was clutching a wooden chest in front of him. Alfie sniffed. There was a very curious smell drifting upwards that he didn't recognise. A sudden urge pumped through his body, making him quiver and shake.

"Mine!" shouted Alfie, whisking the crate out of the terrified Captain's hands. Holding it up, he gave it a shake. Grinning at the satisfying rattle that came from within, he placed the chest on the deck and gave it a kick. But the chest was wrapped around with thick chains, fastened with a stout padlock. Alfie took a few steps backwards, aimed his foot at the chest, giving the lock a mighty kick. The lock flew off, landing in a coil of rope.

"Ouch!" said the coil of rope.

"Hmm," said Alfie, turning back to the chest. The chains had fallen away and the second Alfie flipped the lid open, the sun emerged from behind a bank of grey clouds, shining down on a heap of gold and jewels. For a moment, he basked in the warm yellow glow of treasure bathing his face in sumptuous light.

"Ahh, lovely gold!" Alfie plunged his hands deep inside the chest. Rummaging about he brought up two handfuls of doubloons, then let them trickle back down into the chest. Again and again he did this, enjoying the tinkling sound the coins made. Then he stuck his nose into the gold and took a big sniff. "Ahh," sighed Alfie. "The smell of gold."

Just as Alfie scooped up yet another handful of coins, he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye. The Captain was haring down the deck, the tails of his coat flying out behind him. In a heartbeat, Alfie was after him, his long legs covering the deck in a few strides. He grabbed the tail of the Captain's coat.

"Going somewhere?" said Alfie, hauling the Captain towards him.

The Captain tried his hardest to wriggle out of his coat and only succeeding in getting into a terrible tangle. Turning in circles, the deck creaked and groaned as Alfie jumped about, hauling the Captain nearer.

"Aha," said Alfie, "just what I need – a loose board. Walk the plank, Captain!" Raising his foot, Alfie slammed it down so hard the plank sprung free, and with a loud twang the Captain catapulted up into the air. Over and over he somersaulted before flipping over the deck-rail, landing astride a canon poking out of the side.

Slowly, even though he'd wrapped his legs tightly, the Captain slipped round until he was hanging upside down like a bat. First his hat fell off, dropping into the surf, moments later, the Captain followed it.

"HAR-DE-HAR!" shouted Alfie. "The Captain's gone, now it's just me and the dope in the rope." Stalking back to the coil he began to unravel it. Quick as a flash the sailor jumped out and dived over the side of the ship.

"Wise choice," said Alfie.

Down the deck he strode, back towards the treasure chest. This time Alfie had a good trawl right down to the bottom and discovered a diamond tiara and a pile of glittering gems hidden beneath the doubloons.

Alfie poked the tiara onto the brim of his hat. "Fancy schmancy," he said. Then he selected the biggest and sparkliest rings he could find, stacking them up his chubby fingers. Finally, he heaped great handfuls of doubloons into his pockets and jumped up and down to make them clatter and rattle.

At last, Alfie stood still in the middle of the deck, put his hands on his waist and sighed.

"Tra-la-la-la-lee. It's a pirate's life for me!" he sang happily. But, then quite unexpectedly, Alfie felt very hot, awfully dizzy, and in a misty haze he vanished just as the Captain climbed back over the side of the ship.

*

Alfie opened his eyes to view a sea of faces peering down at him. He sat up and looked around him for the ship, but it had gone. He checked his pockets, but all his gold and jewels had vanished too. All he found was a small red paperclip and some crumpled paper.

"Oh, Alfie!" cried his mother, hugging him tightly. "Thank goodness you're okay!" She planted lots of wet kisses on his reluctant head, making him wriggle like a worm, trying hard to escape. Alfie stood up, glaring furiously at the group of people gazing wide-eyed at him and announced in his loudest voice "I hate _cheese_!"

### Chapter Two

### Buried Treasure

It was a miserable, wet Saturday morning and Alfie Rains was bored, in fact he was so bored he was playing a game with the fridge trying to catch the light before it switched on. Faster and faster he opened and closed the door, but the light was always far too quick for him.

Alfie's eye fell upon a large block of cheese sitting on a plate right at the back of the fridge. It was very yellow cheese, full of holes, two of the holes looked like eyes staring back at him. Alfie glowered at it and poked his tongue out.

"Yah! Cheesy schmesy!" He jumped with surprise as a sudden vision of a ship flashed into his mind. The flash picture was swiftly followed by another of a chest full of sparkling treasure. Some fleeing sailors came next, their feet skittering across a wave-lashed deck. Alfie closed his eyes trying to improve the visions. A broad smile spread across his face as he remembered his adventures in Pirateland – and then he remembered the day of Trixie Fleming's birthday party.

"Terrible Trixie!" muttered Alfie. It was the day he'd gone exploring in her father's workshop. The same day he'd had the wonderful dream about Pirateland – and when he'd accidently eaten all the cheese rolls.

"Hmm," said Alfie. "I wonder." Reaching out his hand, he slid it into the fridge, right to the back. Slowly, he gripped the cheese plate, pulled it out and stared at the block. It was covered in Clingo-wrap, lots of the stuff, all wound tightly. It took him ages to unleash the cheese. Alfie sniffed it.

"Pooh," he said. "Stinky cheese." Another memory popped into his head, the ship again, its white sails flapping in a strong sea breeze. Alfie frowned. Closing his eyes, he sucked in a breath and took a big bite of cheese. He chewed it all up and stood there holding the plate. Nothing happened, so he took another bite – then another. Chewing quickly, Alfie wondered how long it would take and how much cheese he would need to eat before he transformed into a pirate. It occurred to him that, maybe, just maybe, nothing would happen and he would never be able to visit Pirateland again. The thought of not being able to chase frightened sailors across a deck and find gold and jewels started his lip quivering with sadness. Alfie took another large bite of cheese and stared miserably into the fridge.

"Cor," he said, putting the plate back on the shelf and pulling at the neck of his sweater. "I feel warm. Pffuff." His cheeks felt as if they were about to burst into flames so he fanned them with his hands. He pulled the neck of his sweater down again, hoping to let in some of the cool air coming from the open fridge door. But, if anything, he felt even hotter! A rumble came from his stomach and up his throat rushed the most _enormous_ burp.

'WHOOORPPP!' There was a loud popping sound and Alfie flopped onto the kitchen floor.

*

When Alfie opened his eyes the first thing he did was to check his feet and when he saw he saw the big black boots, and the dangling tips of cutlasses his heart filled with joy. Leaping to his feet he gave a whoop of happiness.

"Yay!" Alfie threw his hat into the air and capered about. "I'm a pirate again. Hurrah!"

He skipped round in circles for a while, then realised it wasn't a very pirate Captain thing to do, so he stopped. "Arr," said Alfie. "ARR! GRRR! ARRGH!"

In front of him was an expanse of sea, so blue it hurt his eyes. Just one cloud was visible and a few seagulls, other than that the sky was just a reflexion of the sea. Alfie turned around and realised he was standing on a beach full of shimmering white sands. It was a wide beach, flanked at either side by soaring jagged cliffs. Dangerous looking rocks stuck in the air like witches fingers, the sunward side of the fingers cast long, spiky shadows onto the sand.

Running down to the water's edge, Alfie put his hand over his eyes and scanned far out to sea. But, there were no ships in sight, just one battered rowing boat tied to a rock. He climbed over the rocks for a closer look.

It was a very battered boat with a lump of tarpaulin scrunched up under one of the seats.

"What a rubbish boat!" said Alfie, giving it a kick. He climbed over a few more rocks then stopped. "Hey," he said. This isn't just a beach! It's a blinkin' island! And there's a cave over there too!" Clambering about, Alfie's boots slipped on the sea-weed covered rocks and a few times he slithered and fell.

"Drat," said Alfie, fishing his hat out of a rock-pool again. He flicked his long jet-black pony-tail, set his hat back on top of his head, then shook the water out from his boots. At last, Alfie climbed over a very rough and craggy rock arriving at the entrance to the cave. He ventured a little way inside but the cave was filled with a deep inky blackness. The darkness and silence rang in Alfie's head making him feel rather odd, so he retreated back out into the sunshine.

"Bah!" said Alfie. "I can't see anything in that cave, I need a torch." He climbed onto the craggy rock and peered across the beach. At the far side, he could see a few palm trees, beyond the palms were dunes and even further still loomed a dense green jungle. In the far distance climbed mountains, high and jagged. The peak of one poked right through a cloud like a marshmallow on a stick.

Alfie made his way back over the rocks. Every few steps he paused by a rock pool, stuck in his hand, splashing his fingers about to frighten the crabs. Finally, he jumped onto the sand, taking long strides up the beach.

"What a great place!" he said, spinning around.

A distant shout carried over the sands, Alfie whirled back, listening hard, he caught another shout. Under the far palm trees he spied a movement. Squinting hard, Alfie could just make out a group of men. At once, he struck out towards them.

"Oh, ho," whispered Alfie, getting closer. All the men were busy digging a hole in the sand. Sunlight glinted from the silvery blades of their shovels, flashing as they dipped in and out of the hole. Drawing ever nearer, Alfie bent over and began to creep across the sand. He lifted his feet carefully, trying very hard to keep them from thudding – but luckily for him the men were so intent on digging they even didn't notice him.

In the shade of a palm tree was a large wooden chest. Alfie smiled when he spotted it and sniffed the air.

"Gold!" Taking in another blast of the strong scent drifting on the breeze straight into his hairy nostrils, Alfie grinned. Still the men continued digging. Walking up to the chest, Alfie gave it such a kick it tipped backwards hitting the tree trunk with a loud bang.

"Hey!"

"Hey to you too!" said Alfie, showing his teeth. The group of men took a step back and one them fell into the hole.

"Leave that chest alone," said the tallest of the group.

"You look tasty," said Alfie. "Now, why don't you let me have this treasure chest as it may take my mind off my rumbling tummy." Putting his hands on his stomach and wobbling it, Alfie moved closer towards the cluster of men and snapped his teeth a few times. "Yum, yum," said Alfie.

Uttering a terrified yelp the man fled into the sand dunes, each of the others dropped their tools and followed him, their heels kicking up furls of white dust as they disappeared into the dunes. Smiling, Alfie bent down and patted the treasure chest.

"All mine!" he said, rubbing his hands together. "Har-de-har." The last of the men had climbed out of the hole and raced past Alfie.

"Chicken!" shouted Alfie. Picking up the treasure chest, he gave it a good shaking. A clatter, clatter, rattle came from within. Around the top and sides of the chest was fastened a sturdy chain, tethered at the front by a fat padlock.

"Pah," said Alfie. He took a running jump at the chest, swinging his foot with such force, the padlock flew off the chain hitting a passing parrot right between the eyes.

" _SQUARK_!" yelled the parrot, falling back onto the sand. It was a large bird, mostly bright green, with a red crest and red tips to its wings. But at that moment, Alfie was far more interested in treasure than parrots and turned back to the chest. Minus the padlock the chains had fallen away. Alfie slowly lifted the lid and stared down at its contents.

"Wow," he murmured. Heaped up inside were thousands of gems and gold doubloons.

"GOLD!" Alfie plunged his hands deep into the pile of treasure and brought out two big handfuls. "Lovely jewels." Sighing happily, he let the gems and coins trickle through his fingers. Alfie got down on the sand and stuck his arm into the chest, rummaging about.

"Hmm," he said, "What's this?" He pulled out a ruby so large it could have been used as a cricket ball.

" _Squark_!" said the parrot.

"Oh, hello parrot," said Alfie. "Look at my ruby, see how it gleams?"

" _Squark_ ," said the parrot, staggering around in circles, one wing flapping. " _Gold. Lovely jewels._ "

Ignoring the parrot, Alfie wrote his name with jewels in the sand. Next, he scooped up more sand, shaping it into a castle with a drawbridge, a moat and a tall tower. On the very top of the tower he set the ruby, arranging it so it caught the sun's rays, trapping them deep inside its red depths.

"It's a lighthouse!" said Alfie, proudly.

" _It's a lighthouse,_ " said the parrot. Tottering past the castle, it promptly fell into the hole the men had been digging in the sand. There was a small squawk and a splat. Alfie pitched a couple of gems in after it. "There you are, parrot," he called. "Have some lovely jewels."

" _Lovely jewels,_ " said the parrot, its voice echoing up from the depths of the hole. " _Lovely jewels._ " Alfie looked down just as the parrot picked an emerald up in its beak, tossing it high into the air – the gem promptly fell back hitting the parrot on the head making it keel over with its legs in the air.

Laughing, Alfie returned the jewels to the chest, all except for the large ruby which he pocketed. He stood up and stared hard at the sand dunes. He didn't want to bury his treasure in the hole the men had dug in the sand, for he reasoned they were probably watching him from their hiding place and would come back and reclaim it as soon as he'd gone.

"What can I do with my treasure, parrot?" he asked the bird. It had perched on the treasure chest and was busily engaged in shaking sand from its feathers.

" _Squarrrrrk_!" said the parrot, turning its head around in circles.

"I know!" exclaimed Alfie. Picking up the chest, complete with parrot, he walked away down the beach. On the rocks, the chest began to slip and slide as Alfie's boots slithered on the slimy seaweed. The parrot escaped to a nearby rock.

"Coward," said Alfie.

" _Squick_?" said the parrot, fluttering up when Alfie stopped in the cave entrance.

"Watch this, parrot," said Alfie, putting the chest down. He pulled the ruby out of his pocket and walked a little way into the cave, whereupon a rosy glow lit up the dripping, dank rock walls. Alfie set the gleaming ruby into the top of his hat and returned for the chest. The parrot waddled into the cave after him uttering little cheeps as its claws skated about on the slippery, slimy floor. Alfie set the chest down in a recess far down the tunnel then jumped in surprise.

"OW!" Whirling round in outrage, Alfie turned to find a monstrous crab snapping its claws behind him. "Not so fast, Mr Snippy," said Alfie. He grabbed the crab behind its claws, carried it down the passageway back out into the sunshine then dropped it onto a rock. The crab snapped its claws, advancing forwards, menacingly. Alfie swung back one of his big feet, grinning mischievously as he did so. The crab's eyes goggled, it went into a fast reverse, skittering away as fast as it could before Alfie's big boot swung out.

"Har-de-har," laughed Alfie. Running forwards and kicking out, he waited for the splash.

" _Har-de-har_ ," echoed the parrot flying onto his hat and picking up the enormous ruby.

"Hey," Alfie grabbed the parrot by its tail. "Pesky bird, gimme that!" He caught the ruby, returning it to the safety of his pocket. The angry parrot squawked and dive-bombed his hat.

"Get off me!" yelled Alfie, trying to swat the parrot with his hat as it flew past his head again. Twirling in circles, trying to escape the bird's jabbing beak and sharp claws, he spun around again and again. Alfie's eyes glazed, his head ached and he felt very hot. He tottered about a bit and then faded into a cloud of sand and sunbeams.

*

Alfie woke up on the cold kitchen floor with the fridge door still open. He shivered and shut the door. Then he remembered the ruby he'd placed in his pocket. But when he patted his pockets, he found to his dismay they were flat and empty.

"Knickers!" said Alfie crossly.

### Chapter Three

### Prisoner Rains

It was the day of Alfie's birthday party. Eight blue candles were stuck in the icing of a chocolate birthday cake. In the garden the sun shone down over trestle tables bowed in the middle from the weight of party foods. The table with the chocolate cake looked particularly rickety. Alfie poked it and an ominous creak came from under the cloth.

"Alfie!" called his mother. "Leave that cake alone."

Hastily Alfie backed off. All his friends from school – and terrible Trixie from next door were chasing each other round the garden. Trixie stopped running when she saw Alfie and blew him a kiss. "Happy Birthday, Alfie!"

"Blergh!" Alfie stuck his tongue out.

"Food's ready children," announced Alfie's mother.

"Ooh – look at that," said Petie Pilchard as a big silver hedgehog was placed on the table. It was stuck all over with cubes of cheese speared on cocktail sticks.

Alfie reached out and dragged the plate with the hedgehog towards him. "Mmmmm, cheese," he murmured. "I _love_ cheese."

"I thought you didn't like cheese, Alfie," said his mother bustling up with a platter of sandwiches.

"I've grown into it." Alfie dropped another cheese cube into his mouth. Then he took another and continued doing this until the hedgehog was almost bald with just a few sticks poking out of its back.

"Yum, yum," said Alfie. He grinned at his friends who were regarding him with interest. "Worp! Whoops, pardon me." He patted his stomach, then wiped his forehead. "Gosh," he said. "It is hot today."

Leaning on the table, puffing out his cheeks, which had turned as red as traffic lights, Alfie's stomach gave a loud rumble.

"BURRRRRP! Ooh, pardon me!" He smiled when he saw the look of utter disgust on Trixie's face. Alfie was just trying to summon up another burp when he slithered down onto the floor in a useless heap.

*

Gulls screamed overhead and the sound of waves dashing against stone filled Alfie's ears. He smiled, feeling smug, because he knew that when he opened his eyes he would be the biggest, most powerful pirate that Pirateland had ever seen.

For a moment he lay there enjoying the sun warming his face. A fresh sea breeze chased up one hairy nostril and out the other. The raucous cries of the gulls clamouring overhead was music to his ears.

"Ahh!" Alfie yawned and stretched. "What?" His eyes snapped open immediately. There was an ominous clanking sound and he realised – _he couldn't move_! He wriggled and pulled, but his arms and legs didn't budge an inch. Above his head was a tree, every branch hung heavy with fat pigeons.

"Coo," said a pigeon with squinty eyes. Lifting its tail, it plopped on Alfie's jacket.

"Argh!" yelled Alfie, thrashing about even more wildly. Chunky chains were attached to both of his wrists. Chains that were in turn riveted to iron stakes hammered into the ground. His ankles wouldn't move either and as he thrashed, the chains tying down his legs clattered and rattled.

"Argh!" yelled Alfie, pulling on the chains, while deep within him, mounting banks of fury grew. "WHO DARES TO CHAIN ME DOWN?" His voice was so loud and so fierce, the circle of scruffy sailors surrounding him all took a few hasty steps backwards.

"Oy fink 'e be a bit cross," said one, taking a quick swig from his flagon of rum.

"Hic!" The sailor next to him drooped onto his shoulder.

Alfie thrashed, and he kicked, and he strained those chains to breaking point, but still they didn't budge. Finally, red hot, boiling fury welled up inside him blowing out of his ears, his nose, and his mouth.

"ARRRRRRRGH!"

The mighty torrent of noise made the flock of pigeons fly away. The sailors scuttled back, and then Alfie tensed his muscles. Pulling back his arms and legs he strained the chains to breaking point and then he heaved.

PLINK! One of the stakes shot out of the ground, the chain flew up in the air. PONG, PING, TWANG! Each one of the remaining stakes freed itself and Alfie leapt to his feet.

"Arrgh!" Whipping the wrist chains in the air, he twirled them round his head. The chains made a sound like the wind whistling down an alley on a winter's night. Round and round the chains went, clattering, whistling, whizzing. The drunken sailors' heads swayed from side to side as they watched. Round and round went the chains. Suddenly, Alfie dipped one arm and the chain wrapped itself around the nearest sailor's legs, toppling him over.

"I got me a scurvy sea dog!" Alfie whisked the started sailor upside down and dangled him. To and fro' the sailor swung, like a stripy pendulum.

"Chain me down, would you?" said Alfie, snarling at the up-ended sailor. "You feckless fish followers will rue the day!" With a powerful swish, Alfie sent the sailor spinning like a top. The rest of the crew were mesmerised, watching their shipmate whizzing in circles. He twizzled round so fast his features were a blur. Now running out of spin, the dizzy sailor keeled over like a skittle. He landed with a dull thud, his eyes still spinning crazily.

The spell was broken. The rest of the sailors ran for their lives – crashing into one another in their haste to escape from Alfie's fury. One unfortunate fellow ran right onto Alfie's foot. Realising his mistake the sailor gulped in fright as he rose slowly into the air. With a quick flip, Alfie sent him soaring skywards over the wall of a nearby inn.

A mighty crash came from the other side of the wall, raising a volley of shouts and the barking of dogs. This was followed in turn by an assortment of thumps, bangs and howls.

"Hmm," said Alfie. Dragging his chains, he stomped to the wall. Peering over the top what a sight met his eyes – for the sailor he'd flipped was sprawled down the length of a table. The table had split in two sending tankards of beer, plates and bowls of food flying all over the villagers. The villagers, having consumed a great deal of rum, beer and food on that sunny afternoon were not pleased to find themselves sprawled on their backs covered in food and sticky beer.

"Oy, you! Me ale, you spilled me ale!" A bearded peasant tried desperately to scoop the dregs of beer from the table back into his tankard.

Several dogs of various sizes were jumping about, barking hysterically, nipping at the ankles and bottoms of the poor unfortunates stuck under the table.

"You've smashed my Toby jug." Another man, with a rather battered cap, clutched the handle of his broken jug. "What good is it now?" Standing up, he tripped over a dog, promptly falling head long through the hole in the table.

"Pustulous pimple," said a sturdy woman in an apron. "Look what you've done to my Jonas." As she tried to pull her husband out of the hole by grasping his ankles, his boots flew off sending her backwards, flattening a skinny chap who'd just crawled out.

"Tee hee," said Alfie, leaning on the wall. "Oooh – har-de-har." An over-excited scruffy dog leapt in the air snatching the wig from the aproned woman's head. Her shrieks and howls were brain-jangling, making Alfie cringe.

Shut, up, Betsy!" A hefty woman swiped Betsy so hard round the ear the wailing ceased. "I can't 'ear meself think wiv you makin' all that racket."

"Me wig," shouted Betsy. "Jonas, quick get out of there and catch that mutt." The dog was having a fine old time shaking the wig and snarling.

"'Ere, Betsy," laughed the hefty woman. "Why don't you try this one out for size?" She plonked a small fluffy dog on Betsy's head. "There! That'll keep your bonce warm."

"Why you cheeky..." Biff, thud, crack, wham!

Alfie watched the fighting for a while then grew bored. Shaking off the rest of the chains he looked around. The sailors had all disappeared, leaving him standing quite alone on a small patch of grass behind the quay. Several fishing boats and a few grand sailing ships were moored in the harbour.

"Lovely ships," said Alfie, heading for the harbour wall. Each time the tide dipped and swayed the ships seemed to dance on the waves.

"Ooh," said Alfie, for there at the edge of the quay bobbed a beautiful galleon. Firmly anchored, roped to a wooden post, the ship's pure white sails billowed enticingly in the salty breeze chasing round the harbour. A sudden gust of wind filled the sails, flapping them with a satisfying whup, whup sound. Alfie sighed. It was just what he needed – it was the _perfect_ pirate ship.

"Mine," said Alfie, taking a step forward, and before he knew what was happening he was rushing down the quay. As he drew closer to the ship, he could smell fresh varnish, polish and resin. It filled his nose and gladdened his heart. So keen was Alfie to untie the rope from the mooring post, he accidently uprooted the whole thing.

"Fiddlesticks," said Alfie, hurling the post into the bay. The lapping waves caused the ship to drift a little. Taking no chances, Alfie took a run and bounded over the gap onto the ship's deck. The gentle rocking of the waves swayed him, bending him like a reed in a riverbed. Alfie closed his eyes. "Lovely ship," he said. The sound of a flapping sail made him open his eyes again.

The ship looked brand spanking new. All the wood was polished and gleaming – even the ropes were clean and fresh. The brass fittings shone like gold and the sails were so white, dazzling in the sunshine, they hurt his eyes. It was truly a most magnificent ship.

"My ship," said Alfie. He walked to the deck-rail, grasping it firmly beneath his palms he peered seaward towards the distant horizon. "Arrrrr!" he said, smiling at the welcoming waves. "The seas await me with gold and plunder."

A sudden yearning hit him like a blow. The horizon beckoned and for a moment, Alfie even thought he could see a giant hand waving at him, but realised it was just some shifting clouds skimming across the sky.

The ship's wheel of golden walnut wood was warm to his touch. Giving it a quick wrench, Alfie waited, but nothing happened.

"Come on, shippy, ship," he said. "Why won't you go?" He tried again and spun the wheel. Still the ship just rocked gently and stayed in the bay. Alfie looked about and frowned.

"Yark," said a seagull, landing on the deck-rail.

"The anchor!" said Alfie. "Of course." He bounded away over the deck. Leaning over the side of the ship he gave the chain such a mighty tug the anchor flew from its mooring, landing in a muddy mess on the shining deck.

"Blast it," said Alfie, frowning at the mud. "Ah well, can't be helped, bit of dirt never hurt anyone." Back he went to the wheel, and this time when he tweaked it, the ship began to move. Caught by the current, the ship drifted across the bay. Frantically, Alfie shoved the wheel one way then pulled it back again. The sails drooped, the ropes sagged, the ship lurched.

"Hoy, you!"

A group of men had clustered on the quay. Several of them got into a boat and began to row towards him. Alfie frowned and pulled hard on a dangling rope, and flagging sail tightened. He bounced up and down, giving a tweak here and there on ropes and rigging, back to the walnut wheel he raced and spun it so hard to starboard, the wind whipped the sails and amazingly the ship turned right. It began gliding smoothly out towards the open sea.

"I'm sailing! I'm sailing!" cried Alfie. The tang of salt on the quickening breeze dashed his breath away. Alfie's ship sped over the waves, out of the reach of the people gathering at the harbour walls, away from the row-boats, outpacing the few other little sailing ships that set off after him. The wind was brisk, it soon took hold of Alfie's ship sending it far and fast out to sea.

"I shall call her _The_ _Merry Mary_ ," Alfie announced to a seagull gliding overhead. Before banking away, the seagull let out a ringing cry setting its wings into the pull of the strong sea breeze. Alfie hung onto the wheel, tweaking it as the ship sailed on.

" _Yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum,_

With a har-de-har here I come.

Hide your gold and run like fools,

Or Alfie Rains will steal your jewels."

He spun the wheel to and fro, enjoying himself so much he didn't notice the ship weaving crazily across the surface of the ocean, zigzagging first to port side and then to starboard as he tried hard to learn to steer left and right.

"Wheee!" said Alfie. "Ooh." A sudden spout of water shot high into the air. "Whale ahoy!"

A fountain of droplets splattered upon the deck. Abandoning the wheel, Alfie raced to the side of the ship for a closer look. The whale was enormous. It fixed him with a large serious eye and made a deep moaning sound. Alfie gulped when he realised his ship was turning towards the huge sea beast.

"Whoops, sorry, Mr Whale," called Alfie. Running back to the wheel he heaved it the other way, altering the course of the ship.

"Phew, that was close." He patted the wheel and tried to steer in a straight line. After a few miles the wind dropped, the ship slowed its passage and Alfie found himself with greater control of the wheel. Gripping the wooden spokes firmly, he turned the ship towards the sun.

"Groo," said Alfie. "I do feel strange." Sweat dripped into his eyes making it very hard to see straight. Fumbling in his pocket, Alfie whipped out a red spotted handkerchief. Taking his hands from the wheel to wipe his eyes, the ship lurched. Alfie was overcome by a rush of dizziness, swamping him until the world turned black as night.

*

He woke on the grass by the table surrounded by bobbing party hats. Alfie was so disappointed at having to leave his ship he got to his feet rather too hurriedly and was promptly sick all over Trixie.

"Oh Alfie!" cried his mother, pushing the shrieking Trixie out of the way. "You did give me such a fright fainting like that. You must never eat cheese again!"

### Chapter Four

### The Merry Mary

Alfie Rains was in the supermarket with his mother.

"Coo-eee, Lorraine." The voice was high, wavery and awfully familiar.

"Why, its Mrs Winifred Pickles! Hello, Mrs Pickles," said Alfie's mother.

"Oh, no." Alfie muttered under his breath. Kicking a shelf he put his hands in his pockets and began edging away.

"Oh, no you don't, Alfie Rains," said his mother, grabbing him by his shoulder. "How nice to see you, Mrs Pickles – say hello, Alfie."

"Hello, Alfie." Alfie grinned.

Mrs Winifred Pickles bent down and chuckled him under the chin with a gnarled, claw-like hand. Alfie froze, his gaze fixed on the hairy mole bobbing about on her chin.

"Oooh, Alfie." The sound whistled through Mrs Winifred Pickles' loosely fitting false teeth. "Aren't you a big boy now? What lovely rosy cheeks you have. Ooh, give me a fork and I could eat you up!" Alfie backed into a shelf, his hands squashing down the packs of soft rolls behind him as he tried to winch himself to safety. But he didn't move fast enough. Mrs Winifred Pickles' hands zoomed out, gripped his cheeks, pinching them hard.

"Ooh, choochie cheeks," she said. "What does your mum feed you on?"

"Cheese!" said Alfie, wriggling out of her grasp.

"Now, Alfie," said his mother. "That's a fib if ever I heard one! You know you aren't allowed to eat cheese because it makes you faint clean away." His mother rolled her eyes at Mrs Winifred Pickles, letting out a long suffering sigh. "Cheese makes him faint, you know."

Mrs Winifred Pickles nodded sagely, her eyes glittering at the prospect of a juicy tale. Alfie took his chance and sidled away down the bread aisle, giving a quick glance backwards he saw to his relief his mother had started talking, and her hands were on her hips – always a good sign she was in for a long gossiping session.

Rounding the corner into dairy products Alfie headed straight for the cheese section. He gulped – _there was just so much of it!_ He simply didn't know where to start. Picking up a bright yellow pack he found it to be sealed tightly and he was sure if he tried to rip it open with his teeth someone would be sure to notice.

Squeak, squeak, squeak. Alfie turned expecting to see a giant mouse behind him, only to find a very large man with a ginger pony-tail pushing a heavily laden trolley towards him like a tank on manoeuvres. Alfie breathed in and scrunched his eyes closed, expecting the trolley to crush his bones at any moment.

Thump! Alfie opened one eye. A pack of cheese soared over his head landing in the trolley. Whack! In went another package. Whump! And another. Realising he was nicely shielded by the laden trolley on one side and the mountain of a man on the other, Alfie grabbed a carton of soft cheese with a lid, stuffed it up his sweater and scurried behind a display.

"Easy peasy, cheesy," whispered Alfie. Sitting on the floor, he ripped off the lid and scooped a lump of cheese out with his fingers. He gulped it down so fast it wasn't long before he was sliding the empty tub under the display.

Squeak, squeak, squeak – the mountainous trolley was on the move again. Alfie peeked out from behind the display to watch it move slowly away down the aisle. Alfie patted his tummy, trying to make a little burp come out. He looked back at the cheese counter and wondered if he should go and get some more, as the soft cheese didn't seem to be working at all. He didn't feel the slightest bit hot, and not at all burpy. Perhaps it was the wrong type of cheese.

"Hic!" Alfie put his hand over his mouth. "Oh, no! Hic, hic, hic!" He tried to cover his mouth with both hands but a big cheesy, hicketty burp came out, closely followed by a pop that echoed through down the cheese aisle and Alfie Rains sank to the floor like a deflated balloon.

*

The sound of waves lapping against the shore roused him. Alfie's eyes snapped open immediately and he stretched out his arms and legs. But, all was well, and he was gloriously un-tethered. High above him a few fluffy white clouds chased each other like sheep across a bright blue field.

"Ahh," said Alfie. He sat up quickly, kicking out his legs ready to spring into action, he felt both feet connect with something softly yielding.

WEEP, WEEP, GERUNT! A wild boar had been about to saunter up to him for a sniff, when Alfie's legs sent it flying into a nearby ditch.

"Sorry, piggy!" said Alfie, looking down on the dazed porker and giving it a wave. The boar grunted and tried to get up, but it was still a bit wobbly after its surprise flight and slipped back down the bank.

Alfie turned. Behind him stretched rolling fields of lavender while in front was a sandy beach, still wet from the retreating tide. Trails of shells and crabs lay exposed on the soggy sand and the frill of surf was now far down the beach.

Behind the rocks at the water's edge was tethered _The_ _Merry Mary_. Sending out a cry of delight that stunned a few plovers, Alfie leapt over the ditch and began racing through the grass. He recognised his ship at once: the bright white sails flapping in the sharp breeze, the snazzy red flag wiggling from the topmost mast. He climbed down the bank to the beach. On the flat expanse of sand the wind nearly took his breath away. But Alfie was large enough to combat any wind and strode out strongly towards the water's edge. _The_ _Merry Mary_ grew closer with each step, and Alfie began to run, grinning as he went, his feet slapping in puddles of sea water left behind by the retreating tide. He slowed and began to hum a little tune, swaggering as he went.

" _My ship is a fine ship,_

Big fat hold, filled with gold.

Lots of ropes for boardin' boats..."

"About time you woke up!"

Alfie stopped singing immediately, jumping with surprise. "Who speaks? Show yourself!" He cried. Alfie spun on his heel, executing a 360 degree circle but didn't spy a soul on the beach. There was nothing but a strangely familiar-looking battered old rowing boat covered with peeling paint.

"Who's there?" Feeling puzzled, Alfie turned around again.

"No need to shout. I'm over here – see?" From out of the battered boat rose a head. The head was followed by a skinny body clad all in black. It was a runt of a fellow with only one eye – well, he may have had another eye but if he did it was hiding under a tatty leather eye patch. On the man's neck was a dark blue tattoo of a spider's web. The dirty sailor smiled, showing a row of crooked brown teeth any camel would be proud to own.

"Who the ditherin' dolphins are you?" Alfie frowned at the grubby wreck of a sailor as he stuck one leg out of the boat and rolled out onto the sand. Standing up, he removed a dagger from his belt and began flicking it down his trousers.

"Darn barnacles," he said, prising off a few more.

"Answer me, you cheeky squid-squeak," said Alfie. "Who the devilry are you?"

The fellow had stuck the dagger between his teeth while he tied his belt tighter around his waist. He spat the dagger out, catching it deftly before ramming it into a holster slung at his waist.

"My name is Sam Spiggot," he said, spraying a fine mist of brown spittle through the gaps in his teeth. "They call me Spider Sam."

"Why'd they call you that?" asked Alfie. Spider Sam removed his hat, and pointed to the top of his head.

"Say 'hello' to Vanessa." Spider Sam pointed to a hairy spider the size of kitten nestling in his hair.

"Hello, Vanessa," said Alfie, before he had time to consider talking to a spider may appear a bit silly.

"Ullo," said Vanessa.

Alfie took a step backwards. "It spoke to me!" he said in surprise.

Spider Sam laughed so hard, Vanessa fell out of his hair and onto the sand.

"Oy," she said, indignantly. "Respect the spider."

"Sorry, Vanessa." Spider Sam scooped her up in his hat. "And of course she speaks – anyone would think you'd never heard of the Giant Bolivian Talking Spider before!"

"Well, I haven't!" said Alfie. "Never, ever. Are you sure it's real?" He poked Vanessa and the spider hissed and jumped, baring a couple of impressive-looking fangs.

"Don't call her an 'it'," said Spider Sam, placing the spider on his shoulder. "Vanessa's a 'she' not an 'it' – isn't that right, Vanessa?"

"Too right," snarled Vanessa, "And don't you forget it, Mr Ugly!"

"And now," said Spider Sam, fixing Alfie with his one good eye. "You know our names – so the time has come for you to tell us yours."

Alfie stared at Spider Sam and frowned, wondering what on earth he could say? Alfie the pirate didn't sound even one little bit as menacing as 'Spider Sam' did.

"Err," said Alfie, thinking hard. "My name is Captain... um... Humungous Thunders!" He puffed out his chest, patted his jacket and flapped his frilly lace cuffs. "Captain Thunders to you."

"Suits you," said Vanessa, scratching her head with one leg.

Alfie frowned at the spider. "Enough of your cheek, and as for you, Spider Sam – give me one good reason why I shouldn't squash you _and_ your freakish spider."

Spider Sam burst out laughing. When his guffaws had abated he spat a blob of tobacco onto the sand. "I'll tell you why," he said. "I've been watching you." Spider Sam tapped his eye patch. "And I saw you sail into the bay last even'tide, you can't steer that ship of yours – in fact I've never seen a worse display of seamanship." He jerked his head to where _The_ _Merry Mary_ bobbed atop the waves. "A ship like that deserves a proper helmsman. You couldn't sail a leaf out of a puddle."

"I could... I mean, I can!" The newly named Captain Thunders stamped his foot down on the sand with such power all the little sand worms crawled away to safety. "I can so sail my ship!"

"Can't!" Spider Sam removed a pouch from his pocket, took out a handful of tobacco and began chewing again.

"How dare you speak to me like that!" snarled Captain Thunders. "I'll show you, you snivelling sea snake!"

"Hah!" Spider Sam sprayed out a mottled haze of tobacco juice. "I wouldn't attempt to sail her if I were you, Cap'n. Do y'see that bed of coral out there?"

Captain Thunders squinted out to sea. "No! Where?" He frantically scanned the coastline.

"Yonder!"

The Captain squinted even harder, trying to see where Spider Sam was jabbing with his filthy finger. "Can't see it." Captain Thunders stamped on a rock, sending crabs crawling out of the rock pools, scampering away to the safety of the waves.

"Only the eye of an experienced sailor can spy a hazard like a coral reef."

"They're not for cissies," said Vanessa.

Spider Sam stroked his spider's head with his finger. "That's right, Vanessa, and that, Captain Thunders is why you'll be needing me." Spider Sam pointed to his chest. "For anyone will tell you there's no more experienced a sailor than Spider Sam Spiggot." Spider Sam folded his arms, standing back proudly while Vanessa bounced up and down, snickering.

"He's a good all-rounder," she said, still bouncing.

Spider Sam tapped his nose. "And I'm very well connected."

"He is," said Vanessa. "There's no one not worth knowing he doesn't know."

Captain Thunders glared crossly at Spider Sam. He loved his new pirate ship, but he had to admit he had not found sailing her particularly easy – in fact it was really, really _hard_! He didn't want to admit to anyone that he couldn't sail his own ship and come to think of it, a pirate as big and important as him shouldn't be sailing his own ship anyway. He needed a crew to do it for him. Yes! _The_ _Merry Mary_ needed a crew of roughty, toughty pirates with lots of experience of thievery, plundering and skulduggery.

Fixing Spider Sam with a suspicious stare, Captain Thunders stroked his beard, jingling the little bell as he thought.

"Alright," he said, finally. "I'll let you join my crew."

Spider Sam stuck his filthy thumbs in the air and grinned. "Arrrr!" he said. "You'll not regret it, Cap'n."

"Where's the rest of your ship's crew?" asked Vanessa.

"Err..." said Captain Thunders. "I need a new one. As first mate, Spider Sam, you can be responsible for securing a crew for _The Merry Mary_ – fearsome pirates, strong and brave."

"Isn't that all pirates?" asked Vanessa. "They wouldn't last long if they were weedy, shrinking violets."

"I think I may get a parrot," said Captain Thunders, smiling nastily at Vanessa. "They eat spiders, don't they?"

"Parrots," said Spider Sam, "is very 'ard to catch. But I do know a pirate with a monkey. How 'bout that?"

"Come on," said Captain Thunders. "Less of this shilly-shallying on the sands – let's get to sea."

After stowing Vanessa safely inside his hat, Spider Sam grasped the side of the boat and began shoving it towards the shore. The Captain skipped off across the beach with all the grace of a baby elephant. More little crabs scuttled for their lives before they could be crushed by his giant boots. As Captain Thunders ran along the sands he began to sing very loudly:

" _Oh, swishing, swirling sea,_

It's a pirate's life for me.

It'll be such a pleasure,

Stealing your treasure.

Tra, la, la, la, lee."

"Ah, hem," said Spider Sam, pushing his boat into the water with a splash. "Don't you mean a pirate's life for 'us'?"

"And meeee!" yelled Vanessa, bouncing out of the hat onto a bench as Spider Sam jumped into the rowing boat.

"Oh, all right then – us! Now, come on!" Captain Thunders waded through the waves towards his ship while Spider Sam rowed as fast as he could alongside. When they were safely on board, the Captain clasped his hands together, sighing with contentment, as he watched Spider Sam steer them out of the bay. The open seas were choppy and _The_ _Merry Mary_ began to dip and dive. The Captain gulped. He felt a little woozy and wobbly and with a crash fell backwards onto the deck.

*

Alfie Rains woke up by the chiller cabinets in the supermarket.

"Oh, Alfie," said his mother. "You did give us such a scare! You've been at the cheese again – you've got it smeared around your mouth."

"I told you little boys are nothing but trouble." Mrs Winifred Pickles firmly clutched a bright yellow knitted shopping bag to her chest. Glaring down at Alfie, she snarled. "Slugs and snails, so they say – more like toads and trolls, is my thinking. Sugar and spice – little girls are just _so_ much nicer."

"Girls are _stupid_!" grumbled Alfie crossly, wiping cheese away from his mouth. He wanted to be on his ship, not in the silly old supermarket. He jumped to his feet, stamping away from his mother in a great, big huff.

### Chapter Five

### Pointy Island

It was a sunny August day and Petie Pilchard's party was in full swing, the bouncy castle full to capacity with leaping children.

"Wheee!" shouted Trixie. "Look at meeee!"

Alfie was bouncing steadily nearer to Trixie. Veering sideways and taking a huge bound, he bounced right into Trixie sending her flying head first into the side of the castle.

BOINGGGG! She ricocheted off the wall, pinging flat onto her face.

"WHAAAAAAA!" wailed Trixie. She tried to scramble to her feet, purple socks paddling furiously against the shiny plastic castle.

"Ha, ha, ha, Trixie." Alfie knocked her down again.

"Children!" called a voice from outside the castle. "The buffet is ready now –come and get it!"

Twenty five hungry children bounced out of the castle, stampeding towards the trestle tables groaning under an enormous mass of party food.

"SHOES!" Twenty five children turned around and flung themselves into the pile of shoes. Seconds later, they back were up, thundering towards the table. Alfie suddenly became aware his running feet were not going anywhere. His mother had a firm grip on the back of his t-shirt.

"No cheese, Alfie," she said, giving him a little shake. "Do you hear me?" Alfie glared mutinously at her. "I'm not putting you down until you answer me, Alfie."

"Yeah, all right." His mother lowered him. As soon as Alfie's feet touched the ground, he skittered off to catch the rest of the children at the table. He stuffed a couple of sausage rolls into his mouth, then peered around to see if his mother was watching him. She was. He edged along the table towards Trixie, then poked her in the arm.

"What?" Trixie spun around, then went bright red in the face when she saw it was Alfie.

Alfie opened his mouth as wide as he could, displaying the revolting mush of half-eaten sausage rolls inside.

"Urgh!" Trixie scrunched up her face and waved her arms around her head like a small purple windmill. "Yuck. Alfie's disgusting! MUMMY! Alfie's being gross."

There was a momentary skirmish as all the nearby children fought to get out of the way of Trixie's whirling arms. Alfie took his chance and dived under the table. Hidden by the gathered mass of a blue and yellow crepe table cloth he crawled to the other side and popped back up. The kerfuffle was still going on. Everyone only had eyes for the flailing Trixie. A tray of cheese sandwiches was well within his reach. Alfie pulled it towards him, dragging it under the table. He removed the cheese from each sandwich, chewing quickly and swallowing like a greedy toad.

"Groo," said Alfie, rubbing his stomach. Within moments, his cheeks raged with the heat of a bonfire. Remembering what came next he covered his mouth to hide the sound of the loud and cheesy burp that was sure to follow. But, disgustingly, it seemed to come out of his nose.

With a pop, Alfie Rains disappeared, leaving only a small figure dressed in combat shorts and a camouflage t-shirt lying on the grass under the table.

*

"Wake up, Cap'n!" Spider Sam was pointing at something over the side of the ship. Captain Thunders got to his feet, put his hand to his brow and tried to spy what he was supposed to be looking at.

"Land ahoy! Avast, Cap'n – we've reached Pointy Island at last," bellowed Spider Sam.

Ahead of _The_ _Merry Mary_ lay the greenery of an island. A mountain stuck up right in the middle, its tip crooked as a broken finger.

"Remind me why we're going to Pointy Island?" Captain Thunders removed his hat and began scratching his head.

Vanessa was perched on Spider Sam's shoulder. "We're all going to buy party dresses!" she said. "Why'd'ya think we're going there?"

"Have ya forgotten, Cap'n?" said Spider Sam, tickling Vanessa. "We're a going for a crew. The lads cluster on Pointy Island eager for some new adventures." He patted the cutlass at his waist in its battered leather scabbard. "This sharp rascal needs some exercise."

"So do you," said Vanessa.

"Ooh, goody! An adventure!" Captain Thunders clapped his hands in delight.

"Ha, ha," said Vanessa. "You said 'oh, goody'."

"So what if I did?" The Captain brushed down his jacket. "I was also going to say the seas await us with vast bounties of gold and jewels. Lives will be lost and ships scuppered in our quest for treasure. ARRRR adventure."

"Hmm," said Vanessa. "If you say so."

"I do say so!" Captain Thunders stuck his face towards the spider. Puffing out such a blast of hot nose-wind he ruffled her fur. "I can feel a spider squashing coming on!"

"All right, all right keep yer hat on – I was only joking." Vanessa shuffled backwards folding her knees over her head.

"Come on Spider Sam – let's get to the island!" Captain Thunders thumped across the deck and gazed over the side. "I want to meet the crew."

"Splice the mainsail, bring her round!"

For a moment the Captain wondered if Spider Sam was talking at him, but realised with relief that he was talking to Vanessa. The spider had jumped onto the wheel and was making it spin this way and that by bouncing up and down.

"Bring her about, I'll drop anchor," yelled Spider Sam.

Captain Thunders took his hat off again to lean over the side of the ship. A group of swarthy fellows were clustered like scruffy barnacles on the rocks below them, looking up. Suddenly a small furry body raced up the anchor chain. Flying through the air it landed with a bump on deck. It was a little monkey with a cheeky wrinkled face. Chattering excitedly, the monkey ran straight to the Captain and tugged on his boot.

"Get off!"

The monkey jumped, climbed up the Captain's breeches, swarmed up his jacket, settling itself on top of his head. Captain Thunders swatted at it with his hat, but the monkey didn't budge, if anything, it dug its little fingers more tightly into his thick black hair.

"Get it off me! Remove this accursed beast from my head."

"My apologies, Captain." A tall hook-nosed pirate swung himself gracefully over the deck-rail. He had the most marvellous moustache, swirling up at the ends into perfect little curls. "Come here, Mr Spinks."

The pirate's voice was rich with cultured tones. Stepping up to the frantically flailing Captain he held out his arm. The monkey gibbered and releasing its grip from the Captain's hair, it bounced lightly onto the tall pirate's shoulder.

"Lord Godolphin Hinton Winton." The pirate bowed low before Captain Thunders, almost dislodging the monkey from his shoulder. But Mr Spinks dug his claws in and hung upside down until his master stood upright again.

"You have a wretched little beast," said Captain Thunders, eyeing the fabulously named fellow before him, adding. "Are you really a Lord?"

"That I am," said the pirate. "But you can call me Hooknose."

"What do you do?" asked the Captain. "We have no need for a monkey wrangler on this ship."

Hooknose threw back his head, laughing heartily. "I stand before you the finest of helmsmen, Captain Thunders, sir. And Mr Spinks here is not just a pet, but a useful pirate who can get into the smallest of spaces, listening, lightening loads and loosening bonds whenever he is called upon to do so."

"Hmm," said Captain Thunders, remembering being tied up on the dock. "He can stay for now. But one thing puzzles me, you hook-nosed fellow – if you are a lord as you say you are, then why do you sail the seas with rogues and rapscallions?"

Hooknose chuckled, allowing Mr Spinks to curl his tail around his finger.

"A lord of the manor, I am. Squire of one hundred thousand acres of heartland, owner of factories, mills and shipyards – but..." The helmsman tapped his nose and grinned. "I am also bad from the tips of my toes to the end of my hook of a nose. Shot through the centre with mischief and mayhem. Truly, Captain I could no sooner be a grand lord of the manor, than Spider Sam here could be a beauty queen – isn't that the truth, Sam?"

"In some eyes I could be found comely," said Spider Sam.

"Eyes crossed with madness," said Vanessa.

Captain Thunders distracted by the banter had missed Mr Spinks dropping lightly onto the deck-rail. The monkey scampered behind his back and took a leap at his swinging pony-tail.

"Ow! Ow, Ow!" Reaching behind his back, the Captain twirled in circles trying to catch the mischievous monkey. Mr Spinks dropped to the ground and raced across the ship followed by the furious Captain. The lithe little creature turned and backtracked, leading his pursuer a merry dance all over the ship.

"Pathetic!" shouted Vanessa, as they ran past her yet again. "Can't even catch a monkey. Oops." Captain Thunders stopped so fast he hit the wheel. For a moment Vanessa looked startled and then she began to laugh and point with four of her legs. Mr Spinks was capering about pulling faces behind the Captain's back.

"Cap'n!" called Spider Sam. "When you have finished cavorting with the ship's animals – the rest of the crew are now aboard and ready for inspection."

Taking one last swipe at the monkey with his hat, Captain Thunders turned. Ranged before him was a motley trio of messy, hairy pirates dressed in an assortment of leather waistcoats, patched garments, garish socks, dangling earrings and some very outlandish headgear.

"Slithering seasnakes," said Captain Thunders. "Call yourself pirates – I've never seen such a cluster of mould-mongers. Spider Sam, they cannot be the fearsome crew of my ship I have been expecting?"

"Ah, yes, Cap'n," said Spider Sam. "Truly these are some of the most notorious rogues and ruffians you could ever dread to meet, eh lads?"

A shout went up. A collection of pistols, cutlasses, daggers and whips waved menacingly in the air backed by a raucous chorus of, 'wey hey's', 'arrrrr's', and 'let me at 'em's'. The seagulls perched on the mast flew up in a flurry of alarmed squawks. Wheeling overhead, the gulls screamed and flapped until the rumpus died down. There was a sudden spat. White and green goo ran down one of the assembled crew's woolly hat. It dripped down his nose and plopped off his chin.

"That's lucky, y'know," said Vanessa, now back on the wheel. The freshly decorated pirate wiped his face with his hat.

"That's Unlucky Pete, the boson," explained Spider Sam. "He's a useful man to have around, because you know that he's always going to find any traps first."

"What can he do?" asked the Captain, eyeing Pete doubtfully as he tried to wipe his hat clean on a barrel. "Is he any good at fighting, he looks too weedy to be deadly."

"Pete's a master swordsman," said Spider Sam. "He's a fine shot, a stealthy stabber and a seasoned sailor – and right now he's been well seasoned!"

Unlucky Pete grinned at Captain Thunders then rubbed his gungy hat onto a coil of rope.

"OY!" said Captain Thunders, crossly. "Don't do that – it's a new rope."

Unlucky Pete continued wiping his hat on the rope.

"Oy, I said stop it!" The Captain threw a barrel at Pete. It bounced once, rolling away across the deck. "I give up," said Captain Thunders. "Now – who's next?"

A tub of a man with a small Jolly Roger flag planted on top of his hat stepped forwards. "I'm Portuguese John," he said, removing his hat and dipping a bow.

"Why do they call you that?" asked the Captain.

"I'm _Portuguese!_ " replied John.

Captain Thunders groaned. "Of course you are, what do you do?"

"Rigger," said John, replacing his hat.

"I have to ask..." said the Captain, pointing to the flag.

"That, Captain," said Hooknose, "is John's calling card. Each ship we take – John plants a flag."

"Arr," said Unlucky Pete, grinning. "And he usually plants it somewhere painful, don't yer, John?"

The last pirate on the line was a hulking great fellow with a lantern jaw. The Captain looked in surprise at the fellow's crossed eyes.

"Don't tell me," he said. "Let me guess – you're called cross-eyed Craig, aren't you?"

"No, master," squeaked the pirate. "My name is Nathan Brightness. I'm only cross-eyed because that darn monkey is a swinging on my breeches!" Grabbing at the swaying monkey, Nathan managed to dislodge Mr Spinks. With a well-aimed punch, he sent the monkey flying right into the well-seasoned coil of rope.

"Well done, Nathan Brightness," said the Captain. "That monkey deserved a pasting of seagull ploppings, if ever a creature did. What job do you hold?"

"I'm cabin boy, Master." Nathan removed the tiny hat perched on top of his pumpkin-sized head. He swiped it at the monkey which had come chattering back, pulling on the hem of his jacket. "Gerroff!" said Nathan, pushing Mr Spinks away with his foot.

"Aren't you a bit big for a cabin boy?" said Captain Thunders.

"As far as I know, Master," said Nathan, "thar's no height restriction on cabin boys."

Captain Thunders rolled his eyes. "Well, Spider Sam," he said. "If there's no-one else I suppose they'll do for now."

"Does that mean we're in?" asked Pete.

Spider Sam nodded. Cheers echoed around the ship, within moments flagons of rum had appeared and Nathan produced an accordion

" _It's a pirate's life we craves,_

As we sails across the waves.

We'll take a ship and empty 'er hold,

We'll steal yer rum and pinch yer gold.

Ooo arrrr, we're pirates bad and bold!"

Hooknose took the wheel and _The_ _Merry Mary_ headed out to sea. Captain Thunders watched his men singing and dancing, swigging their rum, smoking foul-smelling pipes stuffed with thick brown tobacco.

"Groo!" Captain Thunders coughed, spluttered and choked and soon he began to feel quite sick and very dizzy.

*

Alfie opened his eyes under a blue and yellow sky and quickly realised he had woken up under the chequered table cloth. Crawling right to the end, he peeked out to discover lots of legs still surrounding the table.

"Phew!" muttered Alfie. "Everyone's still here." He climbed out, licking his lips at the food. "Yum," he said, grabbing a ham sandwich and stuffing it into his mouth.

"There you are, Alfie!" His mother appeared by his side. "I was _so_ worried. I've been looking for you _everywhere_. Where on earth have you been?"

"Pointy Island!" replied Alfie, cramming another sandwich into his mouth.

### Chapter Six

### The Jolly Roger

The drone of Miss Pinches' voice had sent Alfie to sleep. Slumped over the desk dreaming of Pirateland, his head resting on his hands, Alfie's arm suddenly slipped and he bolted upright.

"Whazzurt?"

"ALFIE!" Miss Pinches stalked down the central gangway. "Were you asleep?"

"No, Miss Pinches," said Alfie, stifling a yawn. "Wide awake, see?" Picking up two pencils, he started drumming on the desk, wiggling in his seat. The other children began giggling.

"For goodness sake, Alfie." Miss Pinches, a vision of blonde-haired ferocity in a mauve skirt-suit waved her finger. "Listen to the lesson and don't distract the others again – or I shall send you out of the classroom."

Grinning wickedly, Alfie remained still for a fraction of a second then began bouncing up and down on his chair. "Listening! Listening!"

"ALFIE!" Miss Pinches pointed a lilac tipped finger at the door. "Go outside, sit on the bench and stay there until I call you back inside."

Alfie, arms held wide like the wings of an aeroplane, zoomed out of the classroom. "Ner – alm!" The fighter jet exited, the door banged closed and Alfie found himself alone in the corridor. Sunshine filtered in through the high window. A bluebottle buzzed through the sunbeam, settled onto the bench opposite the classroom, turning in circles.

"Get off my seat." Alfie flicked the fly away and sat down. It was quiet in the corridor, just a hum from Miss Pinches' classroom and distant singing coming from the music room. Sticking his nose in the air, Alfie sniffed.

"Mmm." Still sniffing, he headed towards the source of the aroma. Alfie stood on tiptoe and peeked through the little glass panes in the dining hall door. All was activity in the school kitchen. Bustling ladies swathed in dark green overalls lugged enormous pots, stirring vats of steaming food. They clattered, bashed and banged, all the time the ladies were laughing and calling to one another.

Alfie pushed the door open and slipped into the dining hall. Ducking down, he moved beneath the serving counter, edging steadily closer to the kitchen. The hatch was open. Still hunched over, Alfie shuffled through. Only one woman was in view, humming to herself while arranging a line of large metal trays on the counter top to cool. She bustled off around the corner.

To Alfie's delight, the trays contained dozens of quiches – very cheesy-smelling, bubbling rounds. Quick as lightening, covering his hands with his sleeves, he grabbed two of the quiches, running back through the hatch and out into the corridor.

The caretaker's cupboard was right in front of him. Darting his eyes up and down the corridor, and still finding it quiet with not a soul about, Alfie tried the handle with his elbow and the door swung open. He zipped into the cupboard, closing the door behind him with his foot.

"Yowch." Alfie dropped the quiches on top of an upturned bucket and blew on his fingers. "Hot, hot, hot!"

The cupboard had just one window. A small one, set up high up in the wall. The glass was covered with mesh, allowing in just enough light for the caretaker to locate his brooms, cloths and buckets. Alfie tipped a bucket upside down and sat on it. Unable to resist it any longer, he ripped off a piece of quiche, stuffing it into his mouth.

"Argh!" Alfie spat the quiche into his hand then fanned his steaming tongue. When the quiche had cooled a little, he put it back in his mouth. "Yum, mega cheesy!" he said, chewing quickly.

Carrying on this bizarre, and disgusting practice, he managed to eat both quiches without scalding himself with molten eggs.

"Cor, I'm full." Alfie leaned back on his bucket. "Full of quichy weechy! Oh, dear."

"BURP!" He fell sideways from the bucket, landing in a messy jumble on the cupboard floor.

*

"Too much rum, Cap'n?" Spider Sam turned his good eye on Captain Thunders, who lay sprawled in the middle of the deck.

"Can't take his drink. HAH!" The red eyes of Vanessa could be seen peeping over the brim of Spider Sam's hat.

Captain Thunders rose up to his full height of six feet and seventeen inches. Glaring down at Vanessa, he burped a big quiche scented burp all over her.

"Urgh!" she cried. "What _have_ you been eating?"

"CHEESE!"

Vanessa tried to swat the smell away with all eight of her legs.

"Where are we, Spider Sam?" asked Captain Thunders.

As far as the eye could see there was water. Waves dipped and soared, foam licked the deckrail as _The Merry Mary_ bobbed over an endless expanse of greeny-blue ocean.

Spider Sam lowered his eyeglass. "Far out to sea, sir. No signs of any other vessels – yet."

"Cap'n! 'S'cuse me, Cap'n." Up scuttled Unlucky Pete. Shifting nervously from foot to foot, Pete's restless hands wrung at his woolly hat. Over and over he twisted it in his grip.

"What?" Captain Thunders frowned. "Stop hopping around like you've got a scorpion in your breeches. Whatever is mithering you – spit it out!"

Unlucky Pete did just that and a wad of soggy tobacco landed on Captain Thunders' boot.

"Ugh!" The Captain tried to flick the brown gunge from his toe. "You rancid little squidlet, c'mere." He lunged at Pete, who dodged neatly out of the way almost toppling the Captain. But, as he fell forwards Captain Thunders seized Pete's neckerchief and yanked him off his feet. "There!" he said, wiping the toe of his boot on the back of Unlucky Pete's breeches. "The perfect boot-scraper."

"Cap'n," said Unlucky Pete. "I was trying to tell you – there's a ship on the horizon, port side."

"Why didn't you say so, you barnacle-brained, sea-weed?" Captain Thunders ran to the right hand rail. Squinting in the sunshine he could see nothing. "Where? I can't see any ship – where's a ship?"

"Err, Cap'n." Unlucky Pete pointed. "Port's to the left."

"I knew that." Captain Thunders crossed the deck and looked out. "Aha! It's a big one too."

"Frigate," said Unlucky Pete. "No, Cap'n, no! A frigate's a ship."

"I knew that!" Captain Thunders looked up at the mast. "Come on, you lot, stop lazing about. Ship ahoy. Hoist the Jolly Roger and let's get a pirating!"

Hearing the Captain bawling, Nathan sprang into action at once and soon the red flag ran down the main mast, to be replaced with the Pirate's Standard. The black flag with its white skull and crossbones waved in the wind on the top most point of the ship as _The Merry Mary_ picked up speed.

"Hic!" said the Captain. "That confounded qui-hic! Hic, hic. Get off me!"

Mr Spinks had bounded onto the Captain's shoulder. The little monkey tweaked the Captain's beard, jangling his gold bell, then he began flicking the silver skull dangling from his ear.

"I said get... hic! ...off!" Captain Thunders swatted the monkey. Shrieking, Mr Spinks raced up the rigging, not stopping until he reached the crow's nest where he sat gibbering and shaking his tiny fist.

"Yeah – hic – I'm so scared – hic – Whaaaa!"

"What?" Spider Sam shrugged. "Sorry Cap'n. I thought it would help shock your hiccups away. Don't squash Vanessa – she'll probably crawl out of your sleeve if you wriggle about a bit."

"Agh!" Captain Thunders bounced so hard on the deck it squeaked and shook. "She's in my armpit, I can feel her feet tickling me!" Ripping off his jacket ,the Captain flung it on the deck. He tore his shirt over his head, flapping it like a sheet in the wind until Vanessa plopped out.

"Watch it," she said. "I feel all dizzy now after that shaking you gave me."

"That's it!" howled Captain Thunders, raising his foot. "You're spider paté!"

"Hiccups have gone, I hear." Vanessa scuttled away from the threat of a spider squashing.

"Told you that would work," called Spider Sam, tying a rope. "A good shock always cures the hiccups. And there's nothing like a nice fat spider down the neck to give you a fright."

"Captain," said Hooknose, spinning the wheel. "We're almost upon the frigate. We should make haste to board her. Come, Mr Spinks." Hooknose beckoned to his monkey. "Come down from there, we shall need you when we board."

"What's that monkey going to do?" asked the Captain, shrugging back into his jacket. "And what on earth are you doing shaving at a time like this? We'll be on them in moments?"

"Quarry in line, muster yer bluster!" Spider Sam jangled his cutlasses, getting ready to prise them free from their scuffed leather scabbards.

"Setting about. Come on, lads! Hooks at the ready as we prepare to board her!" Portuguese John leapt onto the deck-rail. With knees bent, he swung the first grappling hook. It clanged into the deck of the frigate and held fast.

"Go on, Mr Spinks!" Hooknose pushed the monkey onto the rope. The tiny creature swarmed lithely up it, soon disappearing onto the frigate.

"Good grief," said Captain Thunders. "What's wrong with that monkey? It's frothing at the mouth."

Hooknose held up the shaving brush. Right at that moment terrible screams came from the other ship and the crew began hurling themselves over the sides. Portuguese John set his cutlass between his teeth, seized the rope Mr Spinks had used and swung out over the waves.

Thunk! Nathan threw another hook and flew out after John.

"Do you mind?" said Hooknose, nodding to the wheel.

"Go on, Hooknose," said Spider Sam, taking charge. "It's your turn to have some fun and you'd better go and clean up Mr Spinks."

Captain Thunders had a grappling hook in his hands. He'd watched the other pirates throw their hooks and swing across. Pitching his hook high into the air, he held his breath and moments later heard a distant splash.

"Tarnation!" said the Captain, watching the rope slither through his fingers over the side.

"Missed," said Vanessa, bouncing about on the wheel. "Butterfingers."

The Captain pulled another grappling hook from the locker and this time he heard it connect with the deck of the frigate.

"Got it!" he said, pulling tight on the rope. Stepping up onto the side, he leapt and swung. But the Captain was so much taller and heavier than the other pirates he felt himself dropping. Quick as a flash, he reached out and grabbed the side of the frigate. The entire ship rocked as he clung on. Sheer brute force allowed the Captain to fling his body onto the deck.

"The rest of the crew have locked themselves in, Captain," said Hooknose pointing. "But the rabid monkey trick got rid of all of those on deck." Mr Spinks was chattering excitedly on Hooknose's shoulder.

"Well, we'll just have to hoick them out of there, won't we?" The Captain marched to the closed hatch and stamped on it. "Come out, you bunch of yellow-bellied walrus breaths," he called. "Or else I'm coming in." Cupping his hand to his ear the Captain listened for a moment. "No?"

Down came the Captain's boot. It crashed through the hatch, splintering the wood in all directions. Down below could be heard the sound of running feet and soon a door flew open in the forecastle. The sailor who emerged took one look at the pirates advancing up the stairs towards him and, with a frightened squeal slammed the door closed again. His running footsteps pattered away. A tiny door flew open – right behind Captain Thunders. He seized the sailor who popped out, holding him aloft by the scruff of his neck. The terrified sailor's teeth began chattering like castanets.

"Gottcha!" growled the Captain. "You scrawny bit'o shark bait." He stuck his face right into the sailor's. Gnashing his tombstone teeth a few times, the Captain grinned. "Yum, yum," he said. "I like scaredy-cats."

He gave the sailor another shake, making the fellow gibber with fright. "Tell me where your cargo is, scaredy-cat. Give me the gold, the treasure, the gleaming gems."

The sailor's eyes grew wider still and then he shook his head. "N-n-no," he whimpered. "N-n-no."

"NO! What do you mean – no?" Captain Thunders shook him again. "You won't tell me where your treasure is? Then I'll teach you how to fly."

"Not n-n-n-no!" said the sailor. "N-n-no gold. I'd t-t-tell you if we had s-s-s-s-some gold, s-s-s-sir – but w-we ain't got n-n-n-no g-g-gold, s-s-sir." The sailor's eyes were now as wide as portholes.

"Then tell me – what is your cargo, you quiverin' barnacle?" The Captain snarled. "Shining silver?"

N-n-n-nuns, sir." The shaking sailor began choking on the cheesy air.

Captain Thunders promptly dropped him. "Nuns?" he shrieked. "What d'ya mean, nuns?" But the sailor had already crawled away to hide.

Hooknose seized the ring of the main deck hatch and raised it. There was a slight pause, whereupon twelve nuns popped up like blackbirds in a pie. The nuns began to climb out, their long black dresses tangling and tripping them. As they clambered onto the deck, the pirates were treated to a display of red frilly bloomers.

"Go away, you horrid pirates!" The tallest of the nuns pulled her white wimple straight. "We are nuns of the Sacred Order of St Brenda and as such are not afeared of you!" Squaring her shoulders, she held up the most enormous wooden cross, jiggling it in the direction of Captain Thunders.

"I'm a pirate – not a blimmin' vampire!" he hissed.

Mr Spinks bounced down from Hooknose's shoulder. Speeding towards the nun at the edge of the group, he jumped up, grabbing at the shining golden cross suspended around her neck. Mr Spinks pulled, but the nun pulled harder sending the monkey flying over her shoulder. Immediately, Mr Spinks came scampering back. He swarmed up the nun's habit, digging his claws into the soft cloth.

"Get away, you nasty little creature!" shrieked the nun, shaking her leg until the monkey fell back onto the deck. Up went Mr Spinks again, climbing her habit as fast as he could. And then he screamed.

"That'll fix the little pest." Another nun, held up a knitting needle. "He won't try that again, Sister Margery." The second nun returned her needle into its ball of wool, jabbing it in with force. Mr Spinks, a whimpering picture of misery, rubbed the back of his small velveteen breeches.

"There _must_ be treasure, all ships have treasure!" Captain Thunders stomped across the deck, kicking things out of the way. He lifted up boxes and barrels and flung them all over the place. But, as they burst open, each box seemed to be full of tea, biscuits and knitting wool.

In his relentless quest for gold, Captain Thunders lifted a crate and discovered the shaking sailor he'd been interrogating.

"Found you," cried the Captain. Just as he was about to grab the sailor, a bright yellow parrot with a blue crest flew past his shoulder.

"A parrot!" cried the Captain. "Catch me that parrot!" The pirates chased the parrot all over the frigate.

Finally Portuguese John caught the parrot by throwing a sack over its head. He presented it to the Captain. "One parrot is sorry spoils for a ship such as this," huffed John. Wrenching a grappling hook free, John jumped to the deck rail. "Waste of a flag is this ship," he shouted. "Come on men – let us leave these penguins to their knitting."

John swung back across the waves. The rest of the crew of _The_ _Merry Mary_ followed suit, leaving only a bemused Captain Thunders holding a wriggling sack in his hands.

"Go on," said the knitting nun, jabbing her needle at him. "And you... there's nothing here for you, you big bully!"

"Ow!" Through the sack the parrot managed to peck the Captain's knee. Seizing the last rope, the Captain swung back to the deck of his own ship and opened the sack.

"Not such a bad haul, if I've got myself a... OW!"

After pecking the Captain on the end of his nose, the parrot flew out of the sack and flapped about squawking.

"Let me have a go, Cap'n," said Unlucky Pete, jumping up at the bird. "I'm good with birds." The parrot flapped its wings in Pete's face making Pete topple forwards across the Captain's boots. With a final triumphant squawk, the parrot flew over the side of the ship.

"Hey! Come back." Captain Thunders raced to the deck-rail, watching the yellow speck until it vanished from view. "I'll give you good with birds..." He spun round making ready to box Unlucky Pete's ears. He looked everywhere but Pete had mysteriously disappeared.

Captain Thunders banged his fist down on the deck rail. It had not been a good day. First there had been no treasure on board the frigate. And then the magnificent blue and yellow parrot had escaped almost as soon as it was caught. Someone would have to pay for this. Captain Thunders stamped both his feet and growled.

Still steering the ship, Hooknose stuck his nose high in the air when the Captain stomped his way. "Bad tempers do not a gentleman make," he warned. But the Captain ignored him and kicked out the side out of a barrel. It oozed rum all over the deck. About to kick another barrel, the Captain slipped in the rum and fell over. Trying to get up, soon the Captain found his palms were covered in thick, sticky rum.

"Groo!" said Captain Thunders. "I feel sick."

High above him the sails billowed outwards, then flapped inwards. The Captain's eyes crossed. Overcome by dizziness, he fell flat on his back in the middle of the deck, in exactly the same spot where he had woken up earlier.

*

Alfie opened his eyes and saw a tiny little spider hanging from a silken rope was hovering above his nose.

"Blinkin' spiders!" said Alfie. He sat up, brushed the dust from his trousers, then carefully opened the door. The corridor was still empty – the coast was clear. He ran down the corridor and had only just settled himself on the bench when the classroom door opened and Miss Pinches emerged.

"Well, Alfie," she said, folding her arms. "I hope that this has been a lesson to you." She waggled a finger at him, her neat little eyebrows joining together in disapproval. "Having to sit in this draughty old corridor while we were inside learning interesting things."

Alfie fought back a laugh. "Yes, Miss," he said. "It has been so _very_ boring sitting out here."

### Chapter Seven

### The Very Ugly Mermaid

Alfie Rains was tucked up warmly in bed. The clock on the wall endlessly ticking away the minutes, until, finally, he heard the creak of the stairs as his parents headed for bed.

After all had gone quiet inside the Rains' house, Alfie whisked back his bedcovers and silently pulled open his bedroom door. Trying hard to keep away from the creaky bits on the stairs, he tip-toed down the edges.

All was dark and quiet in the kitchen, except from the low hum from the fridge-freezer. Alfie opened the fridge door, scanning the shelves for signs of cheese. He eventually found some tucked away right at the back. But, horror of horrors, it was _blue_ cheese. Hard as he searched for plain, old, yellow cheese, there was none to be found. With a sigh of rib raising proportions Alfie took the chunk of cheese and tip-toed back upstairs to his bedroom.

Under the covers, the smell of the blue cheese was unbearable. Alfie gritted his teeth. He took a deep breath and then a big bite, chewing as fast as he could. The cheese made his eyes water, he had to rub them on his pillow. Almost as soon as he'd finished chewing, Alfie burped. The violent expulsion made his nose run. He felt very hot and sweaty, burped once more, popped and was gone.

*

"Rouse yourself from sleep, Cap'n," said Portuguese John. "A storm's brewing up ahead and must make ready to fight it."

Captain Thunders leapt out of his hammock. Snatching the telescope from Portuguese John's eye, he scanned the horizon.

"ARRRR." The noise rumbled up from deep inside the Captain's stomach. "The sky is as dark is as the devil's heart."

Billowing black clouds rolled over the ocean, heading at top speed towards _The_ _Merry Mary_. The waves started to rock and roll, big drops of rain gushed out of the clouds, splattering all over the deck. Mr Spinks hated getting wet. The little monkey scampered to the nearest locker, swiftly disappearing inside to hide from the burgeoning storm.

Spider Sam fought with the ship's wheel trying to keep control of the vessel as powerful winds howled through the rigging. Vanessa clung onto the top of his hat, holding on tightly with all eight of her legs, grumbling and muttering each time a raindrop soaked her furry body. Spider Sam took pity on her. Lifting his hat he shook the raindrops from the soggy spider. Popping her on his head he dropped the hat back down. A little leg-stroke on his hair told him Vanessa was happy to be out of the storm.

Rain lashed the sails. The brutal wind whipped away the oilskin cloaks the pirates had donned, making them flap like flags behind their backs. Towering waves crashed onto the deck, soaking the pirate's clothes right through to the skin. The crew fought hard to keep the ship from sinking. Captain Thunders stood firm at the prow of the ship, hands clamped to the deck rail, he stared defiantly out at the storm.

"GO AWAY!" he yelled. "DON'T BREAK MY SHIP!"

Almost at once, the winds dropped. The rain slowed down to a trickle and then turned off altogether. The sun came out and began to shine brightly upon _The_ _Merry Mary._ Raindrops sizzled on the deck as they dried up. The sails calmed themselves and hung, sadly dripping, exhausted from the fight. The pirates began to remove their dripping wet cloaks. Very slowly, Spider Sam's hat rose up from his head, Vanessa's legs appeared and she crawled down onto his shoulder.

"What a shower you all look," she said, eyeing the bedraggled crew.

Nathan gaped up at Captain Thunders in wonder. "Wow, Master," he gasped, eyes wide with awe. "Truly, you can command the powers of nature."

"Hah!" Captain Thunders rose triumphant. "I have super powers!" he crowed. "For I am Captain Thunders – King of the pirates!"

"Rubbish!" The harsh voice seemed to come from somewhere close by. The pirates began looking around but could see no-one on deck aside from themselves.

"Was that you?" snarled Captain Thunders to Vanessa, who was on the deck rail, skittering about.

"No, but I wish it had been," she hissed through clenched fangs. Vanessa quickly backed up along the rail, just in case the Captain's ham sized fist came heading her way.

"It was _me!_ " Once again, the loud, grating voice called out.

Captain Thunders looked over the side of the ship. There paddling about, amidst the storm tossed froth, was a mermaid.

"Popping prawns!" said the Captain, gaping in surprise. "You are quite the ugliest mermaid I ever did see."

"Oy!" yelled the mermaid. "You dare to call me ugly – you great bulbous-nosed sea-blight _and_ I'll have you know I was crowned the 'Queen of the Waves' back in '96"

"1096?" Portuguese John laughed so hard, he clutched his stomach with both hands, rolling about in the grip of a tide of mirth. "I'm glad I wasn't there – just imagine what the others must have looked like if _you_ won a beauty contest. Cor – they must have been proper gargoyles and make no mistake."

"Gargoyles!" Throwing back his head, Captain Thunders let out a mighty roar of laughter.

"Oy!" yelled the very ugly mermaid. "Don't be nasty. Pirates are always so very rude." Folding her flabby arms across the two barnacled scallop shells she wore as a top she snarled at them. A shark popped up by the mermaid's side and began circling her, growing ever closer.

"Get lost, gummy," said the mermaid, raising a fist. "I'd get those gnashers of yours checked if I were you, they look at if they are about to fall out at any minute – if you get my meaning." Fear danced in the shark's eyes. Shutting its jaws with a snap, it immediately sank beneath the waves.

"Hah," said the mermaid. "Stupid fish, never mess with a mermaid."

"What do you want with us? – o'vision of ugliness." Captain Thunders stared down at her.

"My name's Merturtle, if you don't mind," said the mermaid, huffily.

"Merturtle!" laughed Vanessa. "What a silly name." She laughed so much her furry body rolled over and she shook all her legs in the air.

Pushing her hands through her frizzy yellow hair, Merturtle puffed it out so much she looked just like a dandelion head. Aside from Hooknose, who had taken over steering, the pirates were all hanging over the side of the ship. Merturtle pouted her big rubbery lips until the top one touched the end of her lumpy nose, her cheeks crinkled and her tiny little eyes almost disappeared into her squidgy face.

"I think she's smiling," hissed Nathan to Portuguese John.

"How can you tell?" asked John as Merturtle tipped them a most alarming wink. "Yuck!" said John.

"Got something in your eye, 'ave you?" said Captain Thunders.

"You think you're so clever, don't you?" shouted Merturtle. "Well, let me tell you something, Mr Big and Ugly Pirate – you didn't stop that storm, it stopped itself. Storms do that, ya know? They blow themselves out. So, it wasn't you that stopped the storm – what do you think of that? Eh? Eh?" She pointed at Captain Thunders, cackling crazily, showing a mouthful of crooked teeth.

The big smirk on Captain Thunders' face fell away. He really had believed he'd commanded the storm to stop raging and he'd _so_ badly wanted to have super powers. Bitter disappointment swamped the Captain as he frowned down on the laughing mermaid.

Mr Spinks climbed up the back of the Captain's jacket. He sat on his shoulder chattering and waving a small finger at Merturtle. The monkey rummaged in his pockets and began pelting walnut shells down upon the mermaid's head. Merturtle screamed and ducked under the waves.

Captain Thunders laughed and patted the monkey on his small furry head. "Good job Mr Spinks," he said, wondering, if perhaps, the monkey wasn't quite so bad after all.

"Hey!" When the onslaught of nutshells had stopped falling, Merturtle re-emerged from the waves. "I couldn't help noticing you don't have a figurehead." She pointed to the front of the ship. "I could do with a job. I haven't had much luck with the beauty contests lately."

"I'm not surprised," said Vanessa, sniggering. "You ought to try entering an ugly contest instead."

"Oy!" Shaking her fist in fury, Merturtle's sea shell top rattled like a basket full of clockwork false teeth. "How dare you say that to me? I will have you know that I am still very comely for my age."

"And how old would that be?" shouted Portuguese John.

"Four hundred and seventy," said Merturtle. "As if it's any of your beeswax, Stump – you should never ask a lady her age. Pirates are so rude! So, how about it then – can I be your figurehead?"

"By sacred Neptune's name – no, a thousand times, no!" Captain Thunders frowned. " _The Merry Mary_ is a fine ship. She needs a figurehead of great beauty – not some festering sea-crone. Go and front a dredger, you manky mer-person, you."

"Hey, Master." Nathan was giggling fit to burst. "You could always change the name of the ship to 'The Mouldy Mermaid'!"

"Oh, oh, I've got one." Overcome with mirth, Vanessa was jiggling about on the deck-rail. "How about 'The Unsightly Siren'?"

"No!" howled Unlucky Pete. "'The Hideous Sea-hag'."

At a wave from Hooknose, Pete ran over to take the ship's wheel so that Hooknose could join in the fun.

"HAR-DE-HAR!" Thumping his chest and wiping tears from his eyes, Captain Thunders roared with laughter. A delighted Mr Spinks jumped up and down on his shoulder, shrieking with glee.

"Ahem," said Hooknose. "As peculiar a situation as this is – we do, indeed need a figurehead, Captain."

Captain Thunders stopped laughing. "We do? Why?"

Hooknose stroked the ends of his moustache. "It is bad luck to travel abroad without a figurehead, Captain. In point of fact, it may be the lack of a figurehead which caused our problem with the nuns and the lost parrot."

Hooknose straightened his hat. When Merturtle began picking her nose, Hooknose's craggily handsome features took on a pained expression as he watched her wiping mermaid snot in her frizzy yellow hair. Mr Spinks leapt from the Captain's shoulder across to his master where he began curling one side of Hooknose's glossy moustaches into an even tighter twirl, chattering happily, the while.

"I bring good luck," said Merturtle, who was desperately trying to up-sell herself in order to get the job. "I'm a whiz at spotting ships and can smell trouble over a rotting whale carcass better than any other figurehead."

Captain Thunders cranked up one of his hairy black eyebrows. What Hooknose had said made sense. He still hadn't forgotten their first attempt at piracy, and those accursed nuns. "How easy is it to find a figurehead?" he asked.

"Not good for pirate ships," said Portuguese John. "Figureheads are mostly created good and don't want to sail under the black flag."

"I've seen far worse than her," said Spider Sam, pointing at Merturtle. "Captain Goatbreath's ship had Driftwood Diabolique on the front, remember her – Hooknose?"

"I still see her in my nightmares," said Hooknose, shuddering.

"All right, you monstrous scab-tail," said Captain Thunders. "One week's trial and if you don't bring us good luck – I'm throwing you back! Haul her up, lads."

As Merturtle swung over the side, she flashed a smile at the Captain, puffing out haddock fumes all over him.

"Groo!" said the Captain.

*

Alfie Rains woke up in his own little bed, blinking in surprise to see his blue and red room rather than the deck of _The Merry Mary_.

### Chapter Eight

### The Island of Despair

It was lunchtime and Alfie was prowling around the school playground looking for Trixie.

"There she is," he whispered. Standing close to the school picnic tables, Trixie was throwing a ball against the wall, catching it neatly each time. Quietly, Alfie ran up behind her, stopping so close he could smell her flowery shampoo.

"Hey, Trixie!" he yelled.

"Whaa?" Trixie dropped her ball. She turned, red curls flopping over her eyes. "Alfie!" Trixie scowled. Retrieving her ball, she began squeezing it hard. "What do you want, Alfie? I was going to have my lunch when Saffron gets back from netball." She pointed to a lilac lunchbox resting on the table.

Alfie looked round, he didn't much like Saffron Bates and she may well scupper his plans if she showed up too soon, so he knew he had to work fast.

"What have you got in your sandwiches, Trixie?" Alfie put on his sweetest most engaging smile.

"What?" Trixie looked puzzled. "I don't know – I haven't looked yet." She opened her lunchbox and peeked under a sandwich lid. "Cheese," she said.

Alfie knew full well what was in Trixie's sandwiches as he'd heard Mrs Fleming discussing sandwich fillings with his mother.

"Want to swap?" Alfie nonchalantly examined his grubby fingernails.

"Why? What have _you_ got?" asked Trixie.

"Chocolate spread," said Alfie, giving her one of his most alluring smiles.

"Oooh!" Trixie sighed, drooping with longing. "I _love_ chocolate spread – I love it so much, but Mummy says I have beautiful teeth and mustn't spoil them by eating sticky, chocolate gloop."

"I like sticky chocolate gloop," said Alfie. "And I can eat it all the time, every day if I wanted. In fact, I've had so much of it I may throw these away." Producing his lunchbox from behind his back, Alfie flipped the lid open.

"No!" Trixie made a grab for the sandwiches. "I'll swap you my cheese sandwiches for your chocolate spread."

Alfie twisted his lip and drew back a step. "I don't know, Trixie. If I did, you'd tell your Mummy and I'd get into trouble."

"I wouldn't, I swear I wouldn't." Trixie batted her eyelashes at him. "I never tell tales to Mummy – or to anyone."

Alfie's eyebrows vanished under his messy fringe. "All right, Trixie," he said. "Let's swap!"

"Mwuh, mwuh, kissy, kissy," said Trixie, holding out her sandwiches.

"Get off," said Alfie. But the trade was complete and he darted away across the playground to his favourite place to hide – behind the compost bins in front of the red brick wall. No one ever went there because the bins were smelly and poopy pigeons perched on the wall. But Alfie liked it and had even dragged an old crate in to sit on.

Watched by an interested pigeon, Alfie sat on the crate and unwrapped Trixie's sandwiches. They were cut into dainty little squares with the crusts cut off, but the cheese smelled good and tasty. Alfie munched them quickly. They were so small he could almost swallow them whole. Then he put his hands on his knees and waited for something to happen. All of a sudden, beads of sweat sprang up on his brow, more and more of them popped out, rolling down into his eyes until he could barely see.

"Phew!" said Alfie, wiping his head with the back of his hand. "It's hot today." A sudden burp burst out of him, frightening the pigeon which flapped off in a panic of whirling wings. Alfie slumped from the crate into an untidy little heap on the ground.

*

The Captain woke to the sound of raucous shouting. He struggled upright in his hammock, trying to see what was happening.

"Ouf!" he said, tumbling out and almost squashing poor Mr Spinks who was sitting beneath the hammock counting out his walnut shells.

"A ship, Captain! A ship!" It was Merturtle, yelling from her place at the prow of _The_ _Merry Mary._ Nathan and Portuguese John had fashioned a wooden seat where she could sit, waving her scabby tail, scanning the waves for likely looking ships to raid.

Dusting nutshells from his breeches, the Captain ran to join the rest of the crew who were leaning on the deck-rail, looking seaward.

"There it be!" cried the Captain. "It's a good big one too. I'll be bound if thar's no gold in her hold." The ship was a fine galleon with a fat, bulging hull rising out of the ocean. Each time she crested a fresh burst of briny froth, the ship's wooden depths seemed to swell with bounty.

"Much gold indeed in her flanks, I think, Master," said Nathan, staring hard through the eyeglass.

"ARRRR." Captain Thunders rumbled happily. He was impatient to board the ship, eager to lay his hands on some real treasure at last. "Bring us in tight, Spider Sam, spin that wheel, Vanessa." Spider Sam whizzed the ship's wheel round so fast Vanessa flew off, landing with a plop on the deck.

"Hey, watch it!" she snarled. "That's no way to treat a lady. And you can push off too!" Mr Spinks scampered up for a better look, until Vanessa bared her impressively sharp fangs at him, turning her eyes red with yellow spots. Gibbering in fear, Mr Spinks turned tail and fled. Darting into the nearest locker to hide, he shut the door with a bang.

Vanessa smirked triumphantly. "That monkey is a chicken," she said.

It was a breezy day and very soon, sleek and speedy, _The_ _Merry Mary_ drew alongside the big galleon. Grappling hooks were thrown, each one finding its target, their sharp points fastening the hapless ship in tight. Within seconds the crew of pirates, except for Spider Sam in charge of the wheel, had swarmed over the side, swinging over the sea onto the deck of the other ship. Each of the pirates had a long knife in his belt and a cutlass held between his teeth. Hooknose had two cutlasses, one for each hand. The crew of the galleon were soon located and battle commenced.

SWISH! THUMP! WHACK!

Very soon, most of the galleon's crew had jumped over the side, preferring to take their chances with circling sharks than risk the wrath of a pirate crew.

Unlucky Pete opened the hold and whistled loud and long. "Lookee here, shipmates," he said, after an appreciative pause. "We truly _have_ struck gold this time and in grand abundance too."

Giving a happy whoop, Portuguese John stuck his flag into the main mast, then joined his shipmates at the hatch. The pirates stood in silence surveying scores of treasure chests piled high in the hold. A few were open, displaying an opulent hoard of gold and jewels.

"Look at that." Pointing, Nathan removed his hat, twisting it in his large hands as he surveyed the glittering haul below. "There be more treasure down there than I could have dreamt up in a year full of Saturdays."

"It's far too much plunder to transfer to _The_ _Merry Mary_ , Captain," said Hooknose. Dropping nimbly into the hold he began counting the treasure chests.

"We'll have to sail her to your treasure trove, Master."

"Eh?" said Captain Thunders. "My what?"

"Treasure trove, sir," said Nathan. "It's where you keeps your treasure, sir."

"Oh." The Captain tugged on his beard, jingling the bell, thinking there was still much to learn about being a pirate. "I have stowed some treasure," he said. "I found it on an island."

"And where was that?" asked Portuguese John. "Which island was it, Cap'n?"

"I know not its name."

"What did it look like?" asked John. "Surely you must remember that, Cap'n – or you wouldn't be able to find your treasure again."

The Captain frowned, watching Hooknose climb out of the hold. "Of course I remember. Now, let me think... um... It was an island with pure white sands. It had towering cliffs pointing to the sky like witches fingers. There was a vast jungle surrounding mountains so high they cut clean through the clouds. Oh, I remember now – by the rocks there was a big cave with a giant crab in it."

Hooknose's neatly trimmed eyebrows disappeared under the brim of his hat. "I fear you are talking about The Island of Despair, Captain," he said. "Are you sure you want to keep your treasure trove on The Island of Despair?"

"Yes!" Captain Thunders thumped his hand down on top of a locker. "Why must my worthless crew always doubt their Captain? I who lead them to great treasures." He swept his hand towards the hold, with its store of treasure chests.

"And nuns," said Portuguese John.

"What?"

"Nothing, Cap'n," said John. "I coughed."

"What better place to have a treasure trove than on an island called 'The Island of Despair'," said Captain Thunders, waving his arms about. "Why – who else would dare to venture there?"

"Err, Cap'n," said Unlucky Pete. "Didn't you just say you _found_ your treasure on the Island of Despair? Doesn't that mean someone else did use it first? Ouch!" Seizing Pete, the Captain hung him on a rigging hook on the mast.

"Cut me down!" cried Pete, wriggling his legs. Chattering with delight, Mr Spinks ran straight up the mast, pulled Unlucky Pete's woolly hat off and put it on his own small head. Slowly, the hat drooped over the monkey's eyes, slipping lower until he couldn't see. Down it went, covering his arms, trapping them until the heavy bobble toppled the monkey from the mast and he fell onto the deck with a splat. As Mr Spinks tried to rip the hat from his head, his claws tangled in the wool and stuck fast. Over and over he rolled on the deck, shrieking and gibbering.

The pirates laughed until the tears rolled clean tracks down their grubby cheeks. With a few long-legged strides, Hooknose reached his monkey.

"Foolish simian," he said. Gently lifting the shaking little creature, he carefully unhooked each tangled claw to free his pet. Mr Spinks jumped onto his master's shoulder. Putting his thin arms around Hooknose's neck, he hid his tiny face under the pirate's neckerchief.

"We should stow this precious cargo at once," said Hooknose. "I shall sail this vessel and you can follow in _The Merry Mary_. Pete, you can stay and help me."

"Well, go on," said the Captain, pulling Unlucky Pete down from the mast. "Stop hanging about up there and get on with some work for a change."

"Aye, aye, Cap'n." Pete scuttled over to Hooknose.

The Captain, Nathan and Portuguese John swung back to _The_ _Merry Mary._ After reporting their good fortune to Spider Sam and Vanessa, the ship set a course for The Island of Despair.

All through the night the two ships cut through the waves buffeted by the strong winds that helped them on their way. At last, as the sun peeked pinkly over the horizon, The Island of Despair came into view, its silvery white beaches glimmering in welcome as the sun crept higher up the sky.

"This is it!" Full of excitement, Captain Thunders jumped over the side of the ship. Landing in waters deep enough to down a normal man, he began wading towards the shore. His legs were so long and powerful, they overcame the pull of the strong dawn current and it didn't take the Captain very long to reach the rocks by the cave.

"Very impressive, I'm sure."

The Captain turned to find Merturtle flapping her scabby tail as she hauled herself onto a rock.

Captain Thunders stepped onto a higher rock and put his hands on his hips. "More impressive than you'll ever be, you crinkled crone."

"You can talk – you big, lumbering luggard." Merturtle slapped her tail against the rock and began to comb out her frizzy mass of yellow hair with a shell comb. She growled as its teeth stuck fast in the knotty, tangle on her head.

"Ha, ha, you're a mess, sea-hag!" Captain Thunders left her to it, jumping over the rocks in a series of huge bounds. A distant clunk made him turn. The big galleon's anchor had been thrown out and Spider Sam was sliding down it into a waiting rowing boat. The rest of the crew of _The_ _Merry Mary_ were busy pulling in alongside, roping the two ships together. Soon, the pirates had filled the rowing boat with treasure chests and the first batch was steered towards the cave.

"I wish gold was lighter." Unlucky Pete puffed up, hauling a treasure chest along behind him. "It's no good being rich if you scupper your back. Argh!"

"Stop whingeing," said the Captain. "Lift with your knees like Hooknose there."

"Lift with your knees..."

"What?"

"Nothing, Cap'n," said Pete, "dry throat, need some rum."

Hooknose dropped the two chests he'd been carrying onto the shingle in front of the cave. Mr Spinks promptly jumped onto one and began peering into the keyhole, trying to pick the lock by poking in his tiny finger.

"Why's it called The Island of Despair?" asked Captain Thunders.

"It's the air on the island, Captain," replied Hooknose, wiping his noble brow with a silk handkerchief. "It's poisoned by mercury in the silvery white sands sending everyone into a spiralling madness if they stay too long."

Nathan appeared, staggering under the weight of two vast treasure chests balanced on his shoulders.

"Phew," he said, dropping them. "They be 'eavy!" Nathan lumbered into the cave. "Why's it so dark in here?"

"Caves tend to be on the dark side," said Hooknose, folding the handkerchief and returning it to his pocket.

"If we're putting the treasure in 'ere," said Nathan's voice, echoing out from the darkness. "How will we see?"

Captain Thunders reached into his pocket and pulled out the massive ruby. Popping it on top of his hat he walked into the cave.

"Cor – lummee," said Nathan as the walls of the cave glowed red. "That's magic, that is. Eeeek – a crab!"

Hearing the commotion the pirates were making, the enormous crab had come skittering along the slippery floor of the tunnel to find out what was happening.

Captain Thunders marched forwards. "Hello, Mr Snippy," he said, advancing towards it. "Remember me?" With outstretched arms, he rushed towards the crab. "Fancy another swim, Mr Snippy?" The crab rotated rapidly, clattering away down the tunnel. Captain Thunders smiled as he heard it bouncing off the walls in its haste to escape. "And don't come back until we've finished."

The Captain dusted off his hands. Nathan pointed hopefully to a large treasure chest Portuguese John had just dragged inside.

"Here." Captain Thunders plonked the massive ruby on top of Nathan's tiny hat. "Borrow this – you'll need it to move all the treasure inside. But I want it back."

"Not going to help, Cap'n?" asked Portuguese John. "It'll be quicker if we all move the chests."

"I need to go and work on my plans." The Captain marched out of the cave into the early morning sun. Placing his hat on his chest, he lay down on the rocks, closed his eyes and let the sun warm his face.

Spider Sam's shadow fell across him.

"Get out of my light, you one-orbed idiot," said Captain Thunders. "Can't you see I'm plotting."

"You look more like you're sun-bathing to me," said Vanessa.

"Well, I'm not, you hairy little beast. Hey!" A bright green and red parrot appeared, swooping so low, its claws parted the Captain's hair. "Gerroff me!" The Captain swatted at the excited parrot with his hat and got a peck on the hand. "OW! Will one of you bone-headed blaggards stop this stupid bird from attacking me – I think its drunk or mad – or both!"

"Gracious me, Captain." Hooknose put down the chest he was carrying and stood to admire the circling bird. "If I'm not mistaken... that is a St Andrew's Green! It's a very rare parrot indeed."

" _Gold and jewels. It's a lighthouse!"_ The parrot dived beak first into Captain Thunders' hat.

"Why's it saying that, Master? Removing his hat, Nathan scratched his head, looking puzzled.

"Not a clue," replied Captain Thunders, ducking away from the hurtling bird. "Gerrof! C'mere, you pesky parrot." His fingers clutched the parrot's tail feathers, and gripping the bird with his other hand, he hauled it in.

"Gotcha!"

" _Not a clue,_ " said the parrot, pecking the Captain's hand. _"Not a clue._ "

Captain Thunders stuffed the parrot on his shoulder. But with a loud squawk it flew away. "Hey!" he yelled. "Come back here, you barmy bird!" The parrot landed on a nearby rock. Cawing crossly, it shook out its squashed feathers. Captain Thunders began climbing over the rocks towards it. But he'd only taken a couple of strides when a furry blur whizzed past him. A whirling mass of fur and feathers bounced across the seaweed-strewn rocks.

"No, Mr Spinks, bad monkey! Excuse me, Captain." Hooknose's long legs gracefully covered the rocks. Reaching out, he picked up the scrapping pair by the scruffs of their necks.

"Naughty monkey!" Hooknose frowned at his pet. Mr Spinks chattered forlornly, he hated being told off by his beloved master. Hooknose put the monkey down and Mr Spinks slunk away, small shoulders rounded with shame.

"And as for you, _Mr_ Parrot." Hooknose rubbed a finger over the bird's soft green head, flattening its crest until the parrot stopped squawking. "You _will_ learn to behave." He turned and held the bird towards the Captain. "This is Captain Humungous Thunders, Captain of _The_ _Merry Mary_. And _he_ is your new master – now, say 'Hello, Captain'."

"' _Ello, Captain,_ " squawked the parrot, eyeing Hooknose with interest. " _'Ello, Captain_."

"Not me, him!" Hooknose rubbed the parrot's curved beak. "Now, _Mr_ Parrot – you must do whatever your master tells you or I'll set my monkey on you. Do you understand?"

"' _Ello, Captain,_ " squawked the parrot, swivelling its head around.

"Here, parrot." Captain Thunders held out his finger. "Hop on, ouch!"

"No pecking," warned Hooknose. "Go to the Captain. On his shoulder... There! Good parrot. Lovely bird."

" _Lovely bird, lovely bird_ ," said the parrot. Settling itself on the Captain's shoulder it began turning round in circles.

"Groo!" said the Captain. "It's making me feel dizzy. Whoops."

" _No pecking, no pecking_!" shrieked the parrot as Captain Thunders fell backwards into the shallow water, landing with a mighty splash.

*

Alfie Rains woke up on the ground behind the compost bins with a pigeon sitting on his chest.

"Coo!" said the pigeon.

### Chapter Nine

### Grandma Rains

"Do sit up straight, Alfie." Alfie's mother was in frantic mode, rushing around the house, overcharged with energy. "Grandma Rains will be here any minute – please be good. Eek, look at the time!"

"Yes, Mum," muttered Alfie, sitting on the stairs. "It's Grandma Rains' time!" His mother raced past him. Seconds later she was back. Licking her fingers, she used them to plaster his wayward fringe to his forehead.

"Yuck!" said Alfie, trying to crawl up the stairs.

"Stay still, Alfie." His mother tried to haul him back by the t-shirt. "Your hair's such a mess. What would Grandma Rains say?"

Ding dong.

"'Bout to find out," said Alfie, hammering up the stairs.

"Hello, Delores," said Alfie's mother, opening the door. "How nice to see you. Do come in. I have a lovely tea all ready for you in the parlour."

"Afternoon," said Grandma Rains, eyeing the doormat with disdain and hoicking up her skirt as she stepped over it. "Is the parlour clean? You know I can't abide dirt."

"It's as clean as a new pin," said Alfie's mother.

"Don't like pins," said Grandma Rains. "Nasty sharp things."

Alfie trailed back down the stairs, arriving in the parlour just as Grandma Rains reached up on her stacked heels to run a white-gloved finger along the top of a picture frame. Alfie watched his mother's cheeks flush bright red with embarrassment.

"Dirt!" said Grandma Rains, holding out a grubby glove-tip.

"I must have missed that bit. I'm so sorry, Delores. I'll do and get a duster immediately." His mother scuttled away leaving Alfie staring up at his grandmother. Stripping off her gloves she placed them inside a large crocodile skin handbag, closing the clasp with a sharp snap.

"Now, young Alfred James." Grandma Rains clamped a wrinkled hand onto Alfie's shoulder and squeezed. He tried to wriggle away but she had a grip like a vice. "Are you doing well at school?" Alfie nodded. "Speak to me, boy," ordered Grandma Rains. "You know I cannot abide the nodding of heads."

"Yes, Grandma, very well. I love school." Alfie wished his mother would hurry back with that dratted duster.

When it was time to eat, Alfie sat quietly at the table as his mother darted in and out of the room like a mother bird feeding hungry chicks in a nest. Glancing up and down his eyes roamed the neat, white tablecloth searching for cheese.

"There," said Alfie's mother, placing a silver tray of sandwiches on the table. "That's the last of the food. That should be enough, don't you think?"

"Never!" said Alfie, grinning.

"Are you raising a greedy boy, Lorraine?" said Grandma Rains, polishing a fork on her napkin. "You know I cannot abide greedy boys."

"Goodness, no. Alfie's not greedy. Far from it. He's a good boy – aren't you, Alfie?"

"I'm a shining example," said Alfie, smiling and still eyeing the food. There was a plate of cheese sandwiches in full view, _and_ a cheese flan. He began plotting – the flan was less obviously cheesy than the sandwiches and his mother was so rattled by the presence of Grandma Rains, she may well not notice if he ate some. Alfie bided his time.

"What on earth is _this_ , Lorraine?" Grandma Rains pointed a craggy finger at a white china dish with something pink and wobbly piled inside it.

"It's taramasalata, Delores." Alfie's mother looked very flustered and her cheeks were beginning to patch with red. "You should try it – it's delicious. Alfie likes it."

"No, I don't," said Alfie.

"Yes, yes – but what _is_ it?" persisted Grandma Rains, picking up the small dish and sniffing it. Alfie tried not to laugh as a blob attached itself to the end of her nose.

"It's made from fish eggs, garlic, olive oil, and..."

"Muck!" shrieked Grandma Rains, setting the bowl back down with such speed, the pink contents wobbled dangerously. "You know I don't eat muck."

Alfie's mother looked on, aghast. "I'm so sorry, Delores. There's plenty more food. You don't have to eat the taramasalata if you don't like it."

"I don't like it!"

Alfie knew this was his chance. Leaning out across the table towards the flan he quickly drew out a large cut slice. He knew full well if he picked the squishy flan up in his fingers and ate it Grandma Rains would be sure to notice and would tell him off, immediately alerting his mother to his intentions. Ever so slowly, Alfie gently picked up his knife and fork. Swiftly cutting the soft, squishy flan into small pieces, he popped the first square into his mouth. Grandma Rains was still busy moaning about the taramasalata. Very neatly, Alfie popped the other pieces of flan, one after another, into his mouth. He chewed very fast, swallowing like a hungry frog eating flies. The flan was _very_ cheesy. Alfie gave a little cough. He felt hot and sweaty and his stomach had started to rumble and growl beneath the table.

Clapping a hand over his mouth trying to stop the huge burp fast rising up his throat, Alfie used his other hand to grab the edge of the table cloth, stuffing it into his mouth, hoping to cork himself.

WHARP! The mighty burp rushed out of his mouth with such power, Alfie's chair toppled over backwards, taking him, the cloth and most of the contents of the table with it.

*

Captain Thunders awoke in his hammock with the parrot perched on the end of his nose, its claws digging in painfully.

"OW!" howled the Captain. "Gerrof me!" He tried to push the parrot away from his throbbing nose.

" _Ow_ ," mimicked the parrot, promptly pecking Captain Thunders on his hand. " _Ow_. _Gerrof me_!"

"Oh, go away!" moaned the Captain, crossly shoving the bird away. "Leave me alone, you stupid parrot."

" _Stupid parrot, stupid parrot!"_ The parrot fluttered up, landing on the Captain's knee.

"He knows his name." Vanessa was fidgeting on the hammock ropes, grinning as only a spider can grin. "Stupid parrot! It suits him."

"You need a proper name, parrot." Captain Thunders waggled one of his sausage-like fingers at the bird. "No, don't peck it. I wanted you to hop on while I named you. Ow! Stop it! Dratted bird!"

" _Dratted bird, dratted bird_!"

"Tee, hee," chortled Vanessa. "That's an even better name than stupid parrot. That bird's a gift to sarcasm."

"Sarky!" said the Captain. "I'll call him Sarky! Well done, Vanessa."

"Glad to be of service," said the spider, dropping down a silken rope to the deck to where Mr Spinks was counting out his nutshells. "Shall I rename the monkey now? How about manky?"

Shrieking with fury, Mr Spinks hurled a handful of shells at Vanessa. They all missed, showering the parrot instead. Squawking and flapping and making lots of noise it dived on Mr Spinks.

Vanessa put several of her feet up to her ears to muffle the racket. "Make him shut up!" she moaned.

"Shut up, Sarky!" With a mighty leap, Captain Thunders jumped out of his hammock. "Come here, Sarky." He pointed to his shoulder. The brightly coloured bird flew over, landing neatly on his jacket.

"Good Sarky, pretty Sarky," cooed the Captain.

"Ship ahoy!" Portuguese John was far up in the crow's nest, scanning the horizon while Merturtle – who should really have seen the ship first, was fast asleep, snoring her head off on the wooden seat at the prow of the ship.

"Ship ahoy! Starboard!"

With a loud snorting noise, much like a startled pig, Merturtle woke up "Wassat?" she spluttered. "Wisssa ship?" Swivelling wildly around, she nearly fell off her seat. "Oh, there it is in front of us. Oy, Captain – there's a boat over there. Pull me up someone! Or I'll get pelted with surf when you take off after it!"

Hanging over the prow Nathan seized the rope attached to the mermaid's seat. Merturtle's sea shells had slipped a bit while she'd been asleep and she wiggled them back into place. Then wiped the dribble from her cheek with the back of her hand, scraping it off in her hair.

"Yuck," said Nathan, winding her up the front of the ship. "You're a dirty mermaid, you are."

"Don't know what you're talking about," said Merturtle, landing on deck. "I'm a right catch, I am."

"Yeah," said Nathan. "If it was pitch black, in a cave, and you had your eyes closed."

"All hands on deck," called Captain Thunders. "Let's get after the ship.

A plundering we will go,

A plundering we will go.

Over the waves,

Out with the hooks,

A plundering we will go!

"You'll never make a singer," said Vanessa. "I've heard a whale with bellyache who sounded more tuneful than you."

Captain Thunders hurled a barrel at Vanessa – luckily for the spider, it missed her and flew over the side of the ship landing with a big splash in the waves below.

"That were the last of the rum!" wailed Nathan, watching the barrel sinking until just a few bubbles were left on the surface. "Now what'll we do? Everyone knows pirates run on rum. Argh!"

Captain Thunders shoved Nathan out of the way, shouting at the top of his voice. "Get to the ropes and rigging lads, get after the gold!"

A flock of seagulls flew up from the sails in alarm, several black clouds scuttled quickly across the sky.

"Prepare the ship! Hoist the Jolly Roger – let's go a pirating!" Whirling a cutlass in circles round his head, the Captain almost chopped off the end of Sarky the parrot's tail.

" _Jolly Roger, Jolly Roger,_ " echoed Sarky, landing on some rigging well out of the way of Captain Thunders' swishing blade. " _Go a pirating, go a pirating_!"

Spider Sam gave the ship's wheel a mighty twirl and _The_ _Merry Mary_ sailed in closer and closer to the other ship. It was a medium sized schooner and as soon as they drew alongside, quick as a flash the shiny silver grappling hooks whizzed across the gap. Clunk, clunk, clunk, the hooks anchored themselves firmly onto the schooner's deck.

The terrified sailors on the other ship frantically tried to prise the hooks out, but the pirates were already on their ropes flying through the air, landing amongst them before they could make good their escape.

"Avast ye, me hearties!" Captain Thunders jumped down with a spine-trembling thud. "Prepare to die – you luckless tub-lubbers!" Lots of yelling ensued as the sailors all ran for their lives. The deck shook as Captain Thunders pounded about swooping and plucking sailors from their feet, hurling each one over the side and into the sea. Splish, splash, splosh.

"They've got rum – lots of it!" Nathan prised off the top of a barrel with the point of his cutlass. Lifting the barrel he began gulping down its contents. "Yum," he said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Good stuff this! Nice and thick with a hint of molasses. Sticky on the palate – just the way I likes it. Arr!" He pitched the empty barrel over the side and prised open another. "Ahhhh!" said Nathan, wiping dribbles from his bristly chin and slumping drunkenly down onto the deck.

"Master!" Unlucky Pete stuck his head out of the hold. "I've looked everywhere and I can't find any treasure. You had better catch one of those sailors to find out where they've hidden it."

"Too late." Captain Thunders had just despatched the last sailor over the side. He peered across the deck rail, watching him sinking rapidly beneath the waves. "They must have gold," he said. "A schooner like this would be sure to have more treasure than just a few barrels of rum – go on lads, get searching! Ooh, what's that I smell?"

The Captain sniffed, whirling round in circles with his nose in the air. Far above his head, sitting on the topsail was Mr Spinks. Chattering excitedly, the monkey was busy pushing gaudy bracelets and golden bangles all the way up his hairy little arms.

"C'mere you thievin' monkey!" The Captain pulled at the sail rope, whipping it to knock the monkey down. Mr Spinks shrieked and leapt to another sail. "Hooknose! Your monkey's got the gold."

"Treasure ship!" said Portuguese John, whipping out a flag and sticking it in a barrel.

"Mr Spinks! Come down from there at once!" Hooknose patted his immaculately trousered thigh. "Here, now. Come, Mr Spinks."

But the nimble little monkey swung out from the sail. Dropping softly to the deck, he jumped smartly over the snoring Nathan, bounding towards a cooking funnel rising up from the galley below he vanished inside it.

"Bad Mr Spinks!" said Hooknose.

"No! Come back, you treacherous beast." Captain Thunders tried to jam his arm inside the funnel but his hefty paw stuck almost at once.

"Ouf!" The Captain pulled his arm free, sprawling backwards onto deck.

"I'll get it!" Unlucky Pete and Portuguese John dived at the funnel – bumping heads when they both tried to peer inside.

"OW!" they cried. Stepping away from the funnel, rubbing their sore heads, the two pirates tripped over the Captain and fell in a heap on top of his chest.

"Useless as a sand rope," he said, flinging them off.

Mr Spinks popped out of the funnel wearing a golden coronet covered in rubies perched raffishly over the top of his hat. Chattering happily, the monkey hopped out and bounced away over the deck. Portuguese John took his chance, scrambled up and leaned into the funnel for a closer look.

"The treasure's down here, Cap'n!" His voice echoed out of the funnel in strange muffled tone. "It's dangling in a great big net – I'll try and haul it up, ouf, ouf." Leaning deep into the funnel, John reached as far down as he could. Levering his foot on the deck he gave one last desperate lunge – and slipped forwards.

"Hang on, John." Unlucky Pete dived at John's ankles and hung on tightly. "I've got you, ooh!" Pete also began slipping inside the funnel. "Help, help."

"Just as I said – useless!" Captain Thunders seized Pete's feet and pulled. Out came Pete, followed by Portuguese John and finally out flew the net stuffed with treasure.

"Cor, what a haul." Captain Thunders surveyed the deck strewn with fabulous treasures. Rings glinted in the sunshine, gold doubloons, diamond bracelets, thick bangles of gold and gems of every shade and hue sparkled before his eyes.

"Lovely," said Unlucky Pete, admiring a sapphire the size of a shark's eye. "Sparker-ly."

Portuguese John crawled towards a pile of golden chains and began trying to untangle them.

Hooknose stood back admiring a fine diamond through the magnifying glass he wore on a cord around his neck. "Not at all bad," he said. "I've seen better and bigger – but it's all good stuff, Captain."

"Mmm." The Captain was busy filling up his coat pockets with gold doubloons. Mr Spinks dropped onto Hooknose's shoulder, the golden coronet still perched crookedly atop his small red hat. The Captain eyed it and made a grab. "Give me that!" He missed and Mr Spinks streaked up a rope, leaping across to _The Merry Mary_.

"Darn monkey!" The Captain pulled a hook out of the deck and threw it back across the gap. "Come on, gather up the haul and let's be off."

"Dhunt fahgit the rhum," said Nathan, staggering up hugging a barrel. "Ish gud!"

Back on the deck of _The_ _Merry Mary_ , Captain Thunders was swaying in his hammock drinking from a big flagon of rum. Mr Spinks was catching drips in a nutshell and quaffing them down.

Merturtle was sound asleep curled up on a coil of rope, chuffing like a steam train while the crew played cards, swigging rum and trading rings. Mr Spinks, made brave by rum, sneaked up to the snoring mermaid, screaming in surprise when her frizzy yellow hair came off in his hands. He toppled over, clutching his prize and, gibbering in ecstasy, raced to Hooknose.

"What do you have there, Mr Spinks," said Hooknose. "My stars – it's a wig!"

The crew turned and all burst out laughing when they saw the un-wigged mermaid.

"It's not funny!" cried Merturtle, wrapping her hands over her fuzzy scalp. "Give it back, you flea-bitten little blighter!" She wiggled her scabby tail trying to move towards the monkey who was now wearing the wig and capering about doing a little dance.

Hooknose leaned on the ship's wheel, regarding the spectacle of a bald mermaid chasing a monkey in a wig, with a look of wry amusement gracing his tanned face.

Captain Thunders peered out of his hammock and smiled. "Hic," he said. "Thash funny – isn't it, Sharky?"

" _Thash funny, thash funny_."

"Do you know, Sharky?" said the Captain. "I don't think I should have drunk show mush rum. I feel a bit queasy! Oopsh."

*

Alfie opened his eyes and tried to sit up.

"Oh, Alfie," said his mother, pushing him back down on the sofa. "Thank goodness, you're okay."

Behind his mother, Alfie could see Grandma Rains. Her beautifully coifed, blue-rinsed hair was absolutely covered in bright pink taramasolata.

"Alfred James!" Before Grandma Rains could take a step towards him, Alfie was off the sofa, dodging across the room. Grandma Rains side-stepped him, but Alfie dived between her legs. He hit the ground on the other side running, racing out into the hallway so fast he bounced off the radiator on his way to the front door.

Alfie pulled at the handle, his greasy fingers slipping on the big brass knob.

"Alfie, come back here!"

"Alfred James!"

Frantically pulling at the door, it finally flew open. Alfie tore up the driveway, rushing out into the Avenue.

"Hello, Alfie," said Trixie. "Where are you going in such a hurry? And is that pastry in your hair?"

Alfie was so taken aback he just gawped at Trixie. "Err..." he said, mouth open in surprise.

"Kissy, kissy!" Trixie clamped onto him like a limpet on a rock. "Mwuh, mwuh!"

Wriggling madly, Alfie managed to get free. "Yuck!" he said. "Yuck, yuck – disgusting!" He spun around, frantically wiping his mouth on his sleeve, hands paddling like a duck's feet. He licked his sleeve and spluttered into the gutter. "Yuck, yuck, yuck." Feeling finally purged of Trixie, Alfie turned around. "Oh no," he said.

Trixie Tracy Buttercup Fleming had a strange expression on her face. Her cheeks were puffed out. Her red curls plastered to her forehead.

Burp! Trixie went even redder in the face. Burp, burp, burp. There was a loud popping sound and Trixie's dainty little legs folded underneath her like a fawn on the grass. Alfie clapped his hands over his mouth and uttered a horrified moan.

"Trixie!" Bending over her, he shook Trixie's shoulders. "Trixie, Trixie! Wake up! Wake up, Trixie!" But Trixie didn't move.

"Oh no!" Alfie sat back on the grass and put his hands over his mouth. He gulped and shook Trixie again, but she just flopped about like a rag-doll. Then, all over her face spread a great big smile – almost as if she was having the most wonderful of dreams. Alfie carried on shaking until Trixie's curls bounced on her shoulders like little russet dancers.

"Come back," cried Alfie. "Come back, Trixie!" But Alfie knew with a sinking dread where Trixie had gone. She'd gone to Pirateland – and in his current cheese-less state he couldn't hope to follow her.

