

Revolted

Published by Jean-Nichol Dufour at Smashwords

Copyright 2011-2018 Jean-Nichol Dufour

Sunrise edition

TABLE OF CONTENT

CONTACT

1-FRIENDLY BOMBARDMENT

1/2

A HOLE IN THE WALL

2-AND I BECAME STRONG

1/2

TO DIE

3-PSYCOLOGICAL PMBBD

1/2

TABOO SECRETS

4-EXPERIENCE

1/2

First things first

This is part 1 of a suite forming the book "A Flower To Life". It's a fictional story I decided to make available as a suite because it is too long or too big for most book sites on the net. I will eventually try publishing as paperback, again, but for now it seems it's not the style literary agents want to see, it's too long, too big, very bad English, not fitting their market or what they like to read; I never got a criticism about content. In fact, after trying for a year I'm sure nobody in the publishing industry ever read it. Now that you know how bad it is since connoisseurs judged it so while complaining they get nothing special to read, I'll talk about the killing point; I want free digital copies available to anybody, and that is impossible, even if I let the publisher have all the profits they can manage to gain from selling it as paperback (and digital too). So I separated the book as a suite to distribute it freely on Smashwords, while the book as a whole will be sold on Amazon (Amazon Canada deleted my profile, so I removed my work, not that I sold many, 1 copy...), and nobody except me touches the text. I know that literary agents are a bit right about my "very bad English", but it's part of their job to see potential and help, not push people to self-publishing, which it's sure not something I can afford. For now I don't take it too badly because my work is about starting a new reality on earth, it must cover a vast range of hard philosophical, spiritual, personal, psychological, political and fundamental subjects, and gaining all round competence with all that will require lots of time and quite a few updates to get right, particularly with the casual style I have chosen. While some (I wonder who...) will argue about my style, I believe I have chosen the fastest and best route to get my arguments read by a maximum of people, I want my work as the adventure of a guy battling a whole reality in a realist way. As for the why I want an independent source free, it is because I know this will be a unique and rare artefact, and I don't want anybody to take control of it after I'm dead. I want a place where my profile and my work can remain available after my death in its integrity of form, even if a transfer of platform becomes necessary. I accept that people make any variation of it if it's not for bad intents or self-interests, but the original must remain integral. And one last thing, up to the flower edition, I swear upon all the entities I believe in that all my work is free of external influence that I know of (maybe except gods); it is all the invention, imagination and deductions of someone who was curious and interested in science when young, and forced to a religion as a kid. My work has arisen from my experience and judgment of reality as I interacted with it, so no book on religion has been opened, no books on the mind, no book on psychology or philosophy and internet searches may be limited to a few details.

CONTACT

A Flower To Life took me a lot of time and work to complete, it's been quite a challenge but I'm sure many will appreciate even if it is not on the line of what anybody will expect. It is the story of a character I developed with intensity, someone suffering from a reality dysfunction and a life psychosis I could say. The man endorses a good pot of present mental problems like sociopathy, schizophrenia, paranoia, megalomania and a few more not currently explained in the psy nomenclature. What's more, he is not taking his medication or receiving monetary compensation so you may witness weird moments or frustration. While the mental attributes he values may verse in the gloomy side of things, he manages to go to bed smiling, a little, even if he hates the reality he think he's been forced to live in, his view of it around 2000, and his whole person is invested in his psychological protest against it, while trying to take it easy, because it's quite heavy. Furthermore, he doesn't see things through the eyes your usual adulthood, but through the eyes of possibilities, so all these maladies, they could be there to fool and reveal evil while keeping his mind open and imaginative... You will visit the extent of his revolt as respectfully as he can manage to explain why, with a bit of satirical and ironic and skewed humor to laugh at evil, rarely affectiously, as he refuses to practice his right at being mentally irresponsible. No question will be left unanswered, no stone unturned, everything logical and interrelated like he's got wisdom, so if you think yourself evolved or open minded or good or modern or knowledgeable, then you can't skip his opinion. But you are unlikely to accept his conclusions since they'll be conflict your vision and probably point at you as part of a problematic solution. I will create his personality, ideals and dreams with so much incredibility you will feel him and may even believe he actually exists! Some intellectuals may be shaken by this, so don't forget it's a vision of things, strong opinions, and it is your choice to believe the character exists or not. So don't come killing me or I'll tell you you're going nuts over a fictional character that has nothing to do with reality; any semblance of something is purely coincidental.

He's born red eyed about evil for an added fear factor, his vision of it which is entirely universal logical but has nothing to do with what is generally seen as evil; so those people who think themselves good are better prepare their classic mass self-justifications so they can continue business as usual. The same if you think yourself evolved or modern; he got his view of evolution and modernity that will probably leave you frustrated. He thinks he's a fighter for good and sense, so no diplomacy with evil or insanity, only death and destruction, and since he will have to grow older to become calmer, I'll work hard controlling this facet unless it gets unleashed in too much noises "peaceful" people don't like. I'll have to find a way to make this person survive in this "hell" while making him grow resilient, I'll write about his struggle to reach this goal, but the ultimate goal is for him to live in a different place more appropriate to many who will develop, in the future, the same kind of opinion about a reality that have been democratically forced upon them by a class of people better served by it.

Very few present people will like my character, it will come in many years when attitudes will be forced to change, so another goal will be for him to express his inability at getting adequate help or fairness or competence in anything that should form the basis of a sane society, shouting, violence, treats, he's tried it all and nobody working for any system supposedly meant to help him did with competence and things worsened. So he'll have to wake-up those assholes who deal with humans like they are objects or animals with a more persistent and virulent description of their incompetence. But in the end, his view is so opposed to the current ways of things he'll have to invent a different ideology along with a different reality.

If my work surfaces from the pile getting published every months, then people will probably won't understand how it is possible that my creation worked. And while his revolted soul is just a facet, you'll see that his mind will transport you to such realms of imagination and sense that jealous denial will be the only justification for ignorance. If you're already judging him from his uncommon or not literary perfect way of writing, then you have nothing to do reading about him or what he wants; he's not the most educated, he doesn't speak English, he will be learning a lot of it as he writes. As for the bizarre, I just said he was suffering from all kind of mental problems, a prerequisite to talk about evil seriously in this world; he will talk a lot about what he hates as attitudes and condemnations about this reality, and anything he justifies as evil will get blasted, which includes taking too much means for yourself. If you limit the good others or life can accomplish by your actions, if you remove or control the free will of others through violence or mental manipulation, then it may not be appropriate for you to read his view, particularly since self-justified evil can't stand criticism about their attitude, they call it moralization; a bad thing... You won't find soothing justification or pardon for your actions here, good and evil is seen as weight and momentum toward life's advancement, and pardon logically don't remove any of this, only actions do.

The same for the ideologies he'll develop to understand his problem; an evil civilization or reality is driven by an ego-gods ideology. In this ideology all words and principles end up twisted to emphasis the definition that serves manipulators and profiteers to the point that the worst evil becomes normal, accepted, even good, except direct ugly or painful actions that will be demonized until violence can only be expressed as fiction and used by those with enough means to do things hypocritically and manipulate masses and history; liberty proportional to means, liberty bought, everything must be monetized, if it can't be a source of profits then it must not exist. An example would be media people changing prostitution to escorting, because people must see it more positively, manipulation, acceptance, to finally make legal the oldest trade of the world, love and sex must become a market, a stash where the cutest girls end-up by the dozen in the bed of the rich on command, and yes there's a difference, prostitution is like for dirty people, street stuff, drug, pimp, while being an escorts is more glamour, less risky, more clean and legal, some paying job a little girl may want. These manipulations and contortion of language divide people and have a tremendously limiting effect on evolution by creating conflict within the mind instead of harmony, in reality too, bad attitudes, depression too, behind the façade, not on TV. The effect of competitive bullshit is a slow rejection of a critical facet of the development of the universe and life from either scientific or religious inconsistencies and the denial of the complex perfection of everything. And since people don't have time to play in this mess, and they are made to believe that all systems have been proven worse than the democracy-capitalism business, and all spirituality has been developed by this religion or sect or that, then the pool of people who don't care, or endorse atheism, forever grows, unless hope gets too far in the negative, to the point that they go back religious for some time (or generation) to get their sins erased and gain hope back from afterdeath and peaceful behavior. Furthermore, ego attitudes in this ideology are associated to gods, which are used by manipulators and profiteers through religions to encourage a pyramidal superiority ideal of people controlling, manipulating, possessing and fucking everything, where the synonym dictionary put idols as a synonym of god. Although it doesn't mean everybody is driven by self-interests, it means it is the emphasis the reality forces people to as a competition; the higher you go in the reward system, the more you find self-inflated people, manipulators and profiteers, and the greater their costs in life, resources, and pollution. The result in reality are rich people acting like gods profiting from a subjugated, almost lobotomized, proud population admiring or envying the most unfair, pseudo good for having a job, reproducing, and following the law, pseudo intelligent and independent for selecting themselves a package of trendy media bullshit. This is a place where love as a life tool becomes the tool of manipulators and where unfairness is systemized and defended as a normal thing. The resulting pressure of this ideology on planetary resources for ego emancipation and competition creates the fastest failure of the life related to it (survival, failure of solar life). All religions and sects to date are part of this ideology and the result is hell for someone like my character. And while it could be a necessary form (step) of high consciousness for life to go through and test itself as competent in the universe, its irreversible systematization proves your failure too by the intrinsics of galactic law. I'm not talking about belief here, gods are nice guys, as teachers, as protectors, as life helpers, I'm talking ideology, what religions and reality made of gods and Jesus, ego competition, pyramidal mentality, superiority-inferiority, manipulation, unfairness, people taking the god coat.

A good global life development will eventually get out of it by systemizing fairness, thus transforming its planet as a paradise before too late. But all priorities will change because its new drive will be a life-gods ideology (the association of gods to life's work) where languages are removed from the hands of manipulators and profiteers to keep their integrity and permit them to morph toward harmony, continuing the work of life and truth. This ideology is meant to put life at the center of things, to base evolution on harmony instead of competition and conflict. That means principles won't be tools to profit from others, competition will exist mainly for fun, and the resulting society will always seek to use competent but easy even enjoyable mass judgment and systems to have its money flow instead of extraordinarily costly controlling structures of profiting superiors making of their system a hell in little characters and defending it against any competition with preventive mass manipulations through its media institutions.

The spiritual vision I'll develop for this ideology will have the universe and life created by a Universal Intelligence (UI) grown from functions developed from an extra universe dimension of matter to explain the perfection of everything. It is fundamentally machine, and the evolution of this intelligence is life, with the universe as the place to develop, test, and satisfy its needs, even wishes, like an afterdeath (afterlife doesn't exist, it's a manipulation term of the ego-gods ideology) dimension as a step-up of life abilities development, which can be seen as developing extrapolation of the philosophies people develop while living, as much individually as socially, which may take the form of rebirths of interesting new life emphasizes within the universe, a step up to get nearer the UI, exceptional gifts, or UI annexation as pride (jewels) of the universe, and all that will contribute to the next universal reformulation, growing its beauty, its complexity, its strength. So if life in the universe likes the idea that there should be a reward and punition system of good and evil after death, then it will exist, but it will take the form that satisfies the universal (UI, logical) order of things. Life systems are its inside arm extension; they are ultimately meant to automate the utopia of life as a continuation of the work of the UI, which for now is to develop the process that will grow an ultimate intelligence from "simple" matter. You can see it as taking machine intelligence (UI) form before making the universe for life to further grow its capacities, with survival, love, good and evil and more as its complexity drive. Life systems can take many forms; atoms, planets, solar systems, black holes galaxies, the whole universe, cells, brains, oceans etc. For god people I'll add the life god which will take the form of the outside arm extension of the UI; this one would be fundamentally machine intelligence too, and mainly meant to fine tune or transform or influence life systems, with the help of the UI or gods. This is the tool I'll need to justify the existence of gods as exceptional organic results, they are not the ego god omnipotent guy of your manipulative religion for sure, let's say to keep universal integrity, but in the presence of a life god they can influence life systems too, to some limited extent. Gods can take many forms that can fit a life gods ideology, I'll explore these possibilities, bit by bit all along my work as I develop the spirituality, philosophy and mentality of my character in a non-conflicting state.

Everything is a developing process where the best solar life survives by spreading to other systems (all solar life related to you that thrived on your quest to survive). It is done by the intrinsic ways of the universe and the best here is seen as competence, not superiority-inferiority; if you are competent enough you'll survive and connect with the best of the universe, like yourself. We are all an interdependent whole, like a mind, and like neurons, galaxies are all different life extrapolation meant to communicate with each other and exchange and develop data and power, but only the best survive because the universe is continually reformulated to better serve and develop life, life as the evolution of intelligence meant to eventually contribute in controlling the path and form of the universe (yes form). So no you won't become "god" in your competitive vision of it (the one and only neuron left after your competition), but you may ascend to something weird, as a helper or experimenter in the grand scheme of the UI. This is my vision, but many possibilities can be included in this ideology, and it is closely related to science with matter formulation as steps of communication and filtration of data; mind, molecular, atomic, particles, forces, planets, suns, black holes, all the way to the "rachidian bulb" of the universe, or the parallel dimension to this universe if you prefer; the connection between the complexity of our universe and the power of the UI. This is a place where everything works differently, with practically invincible materials, infinite time for life, limitless energy, speed beyond measure, inseparable forces, and more.

The thing to understand is that the UI alone fails in its functions, so it must systemize thing to explore all possibilities (a function) and answer logical questions as functions, like if infinity exists or not, and develop the tools (living intelligence) to survive (ultimate function) any crazy possibility (like meeting another universe). So we are a continuation of an intelligence developing process, everything is part of a process, and this process includes battles between right and wrong, best and worse, good and evil, for all life in the universe, at all levels, and in doing so we develop intelligence and the best survive. That's why going through an ego-gods ideology is a normal step, before living in a life-gods ideology. It means you got to learn how bad it is to manipulate others for profits, to systemize unfairness, to fuck-up the brains of people to cultivate self-inflated innocence, and to have wrong priorities. If you find happiness in hell, or persist or can't get out of it then you'll fail as a high consciousness species, bringing all the solar life you have been privileged to care for with you, whatever it is by losing hope on earth from losing star potential and being left cuddling with your religions, or successfully leaving only to kneel before the force of good and truth. But nobody will attack you in your home, it is where you grow-up before reaching independence, it is where you prove you're good enough, by showing how you care for it and the life inhabiting it, how fairly you treat the likes of you, your decision system, your systematization of means, your health care, etc, etc.

In a life gods ideology things are dynamic, moving, turning and associated in harmony and truth, contrarily to pyramidal, permanent and divided in conflict and disinformation. And such fundamental differences, particularly if they redefine good and evil while many possible extrapolations can be made, makes it so they must be separated as ideologies, which I see as packages of philosophies and spiritualties defining good and evil and meant to help people raise civilizations or build realities.

With that you understand that my character can't write to sell or make fans, more like billions of enemies, so don't complain I didn't warn you if you don't like it; I did right from the start, this is not for you. So remember, this is a friction fiction about the story of a kind of hero that you sure won't meet in Hollywood movies, anybody using anything for self-interests or to attack the reputation of the author will be beaten to death. Prosecuted I mean. Consider yourself warned.

THE SHELLING PART 1

************

FRIENDLY BOMBARDMENT

The usual thanks are not there, I have nobody to thank except my parents for making me. I got many people to kick though, but I could thank some good people for giving me the means to write. I don't write because I like it or want to be a writer, I do mainly out of personal responsibility, because someone had to write about life as a whole as well as in its many possible facets in crude form, before this reality decapitates everything and remove all barriers of dignity for manipulation and profits. A Flower To Life is my project and it is my responsibility to bring it to completion as a human thing, it is the best use I found for my life, the greatest challenge I could find for it, and the most sense I could find in it. For many people this won't be an easy reading, but it will only take a few days to live a bit through me while for me it's all my life since I live 24/24 in this.

I want to do like those people writing freeware programs; they give you their work and if you like it you can send them money. I like the attitude, even if they end-up almost unrewarded since people always have something else to buy (They end-up not rewarding the work of the least ego people, but they'll be forced to reward the work of the most ego ones...What attitude is encouraged here? And we're talking competition for survival, pressure selection) Anyway, it's my ideal for my work; I want anybody to read it, unlimited, no restrictions. Why should some limit their mind because they can't pay for something? For many profiting reasons, I know, but if the normal publishing industry can't provide me with the options I want then nobody will profit from my work and it surely won't be a "bestseller" since it would have to "sell" to be, and it won't be in the "top hot" section either. But isn't it strange that only things which can be taxed are seen as good enough to be given rewarding attention? Why shouldn't a free book be more important than any bestseller? I say what is free is the most valuable stuff since nobody profits from it, and if you don't like it you lost nothing except the time you took to judge it which you'd have spent even if you had paid for it. Yet, people are so upside down messed-up capitalist these days they critic what they get freely more harshly than what they pay for.

I'll do everything in this first chapter to eliminate inappropriate readers; you don't like my kind of book then go... ok, what I write is a revolt and the creation of another reality as a human being expressing his thinking and emotions, so as such, every paragraph can reap a mountain of negative critics and I'll die submerged if I have to listen to everybody that don't like this or that; nobody will be pleased by all what I'll write. This book is a philosophy for revolted people and revolutionaries, or people believing a better way than is possible; those people who are already living pain to their ego in the name of something different. But if how things work is good enough to you then skip this, the same if you're happy, or like to minimize or ignore unfairness, or racism, or pollution, or violence, or evil etc.

Now, if I publish solely on the net it means 100% of the work is from a single person, 100%, no editor touched it and all the drawings are my work, even if drawing is not my greatest skill... And there is a lot of work here, more than anybody will ever want to believe; when was the last time you counted to 1 million? My work is well past a million words, so I hope you're not scared of a little wall of text since this one is made of walls after walls after walls of it, so much walling it's a fortress, or a shell. 12 years in the making, full time (kind of), not a hint of help (too), not a single encouragement, the best years of my life invested to the task as a socially assisted to bring this epic battle to reality. (Well, someone told me I'm different lately, from reading my book, 5 stars, I consider this a very big compliment, but it could be a trap, Oh! and I shouldn't fail to thank this reality for letting me survive in one of its apartment (forest, nomad, bummer, all inadequate for my job, I'm forced to the apartment option, and I'm forced to pay for it)

It's supposed to be meant to be free and sold, as well as sell it on the internet; I just hope those who will appreciate it and got enough money will buy it... So let's see how this reality values what I'll do, in reality, or how great people's heart is, but I'm bad, since it is mostly those who liked it who will pay for it, which is not the case when you buy a book up front taking a bet you'll like it I should mention... The best seller list is a Capitalistic view, the money and manipulation facets, not the truth of human value, it is as much based on appreciation than on unit sold and any way can be used to sell it. it is still a reflection of success in an ego, it got nothing to do with something people pay just if they get the money at the right time, if they like it, or if they got the money for it, in which case it would be a feat to end-up as a bestseller...

I'll probably be limited to the internet since, when you really think about it, it may be harder to get attention for my stuff(monetarily by the structures or attitudes or spendings involved or encouraged, or mentally by the message provided, and I'm not talking about the fact that everything must get monetarized, what can't be profited from monetarily shouldn't have the right to exist...). Even a new book on anarchy will be more interesting, anarchy has a market and use for this reality while my work not, and what people see as change is dependent from the reality momentum, unconsciously. It's like gay marriage or pot, newsmen are crazy about it like it's revolutionary, but is it? Removing a boogie doesn't change your mind, and there is always another boogie... As for anarchy, you are mistaken if you think it is not something having a place and use in this world; anarchy is a tool serving the same ideology as everything else, like religions and sects that get their books immediately published too. You think not? Don't worry, I'll dismantle your arguments somewhere, I have heard and fought so many innocently twisted or manipulative arguments I've grown a prophet at knowing in advance what the manipulators of this reality will use as arguments to defend their mental construction... (You can search for "anarchy" if you bought my work whole). Then, some work will have more difficulties getting mainstream than other because they don't fit a market, or instill fear. You could take as an example Christianity which hid or destroyed a lot of work through history to develop and keep its hegemony on gods. And I'm not talking about other things like younger people less inclined to read this while they are the most concerned, and the pool of what is appropriate for them is suggested by older well adapted cultivated "intellectuals" who wouldn't appreciate my kind of work under no circumstances since it would affect their self-esteem, and they decide what gets published (yes I'm talking about literary agents), they'll prefer to feed people books continuing the development of old mentalities that led to the current reality, or failed to change it because they were not publicized at the right time, which is when they were written. And don't forget tons of older people had a sex revolution of the 60's to boast around, but they were young, and so the youth must be some kind of evolved reflection of it, doing their own sex revolution of the 60's, unless they're into religion... That is to say those who decide what gets published or publicized are very fond of books trying to "free" the sex, until it ends up as an ordinary thing people buy and sell to get the economy turning more. Don't forget that prostitution (escorting) and anomalous sex increases proportionally to economic troubles in this systemized unfair reality. Each economic "crisis" brings new levels of prostitution too, and more divergent sex gets publicized in the open (the homosexual acceptance revolution got mainstream right after the 2008 economic "crisis" and it was a small crisis, next one will be insane, the final step leading to the destruction of true love, the only problem is that there will be nothing after, only emptiness and death. (Sex attitudes directly affect true love potential, as an example, if you catch HIV your potential to live true love is tremendously decreased).

So, even if it sounds silly, my work may as well end-up discarded because it will have the most potential to truly change the world for the better (help life), not as a perfecting of the actual reality, but as the creation of a totally different reality; read it to the end without skipping a chapter before thinking I'm insane. You think people who invested their life to be successful in this reality will appreciate a socially assisted without education telling them how wrong they are about everything and what they should do? You think politicians will want a new reality where their kind don't rule things? You think religious people will appreciate my spirituality where their view is wrong? You think fuck-all free for all people will appreciate my view of love? The democracy-capitalism business has grown its immunology system to kill viruses like me, anything dangerous to the system is "naturally" rejected or eliminated or cornered while singing fairness and free speech as prevention.

I'll probably write an obscure and ignored book, yet, it may end-up to be the most valuable ever, kind of like an end of times book, when people will be forced to reconsider their view of life, love, fairness, liberty, good and evil, etc. As for the internet, I don't like knowing there are books only available to credit card holders, or that people are forced to funky options always advantaging the already rich; more than half this world can't buy digital stuff on the internet, who has the right to control our liberties to the point of limiting the minds of billions of people? Plenty of people who spotted the cake or who found ways to build a controlling hegemony over it, I know. So I'll repeat that I want anybody to have the right to a digital copy if it is not for the goal of profiting from it, but if they like it, then they should pay for it if they're not poor. It may seem crazy to you or to publishers, but as I'll explain later it fits perfectly well in a different reality; it's just that I am in a capitalistic system and so I'll probably never be adequately rewarded if I my goal is not profiting. And I know I shouldn't write about this, but my work is exactly about this; this whole world is incredibly limited, the mind of humanity is incredibly limited, by a mess of manipulators and profiteers having a controlling hegemony about all the facets of our lives, hiding stuff out of fear, and protecting people from truths that could affect their judgment, the level of bullshit, fake and hidden stuff is extraordinary, extraordinarily costly and counterproductive, and I'm revolted of this mess of complexity in little characters for their competitive games, and yes everything could be as simple as some like me like to dream they should, it's just that ego is first on the cake and systemizes it for his profit, or family.

Written by a Quebecker, it won't be perfect English for sure; if you want to complain about that you are welcome, but only if it is to really help, and for that you'll have to sit with the author and help him through the whole of his work. Furthermore, Quebeckers are supposed to be different than Canadians in the head, I think I'm different than anybody else on earth, so think about that before judging me too fast. It is a moral battle where the hero will hack this "hell" to rubbles to create a paradise, and the man is growing from youth to 39 within the book, so you better discard your preconceptions, it's a book like you never read one, unique, young, philosophical, spiritual, revolutionary, and it is meant for serious readers interested in the fate of the world enough to sacrifice something for it. It is a heavy reading so it may feel bizarre at places; it's not your classic, and not scientific. It will be written with strong opinions and imaging at it; if I find things ugly, my writings will be ugly. I'll act like I'm being shot opinions and insults from all around while I try to keep on advancing toward the climax of my writing, and since I got many imaginary troublemakers around, don't think you're necessary. Anyway, I will probably lose everybody along the way; people who like to ignore bullshit or stay innocent will prefer a party, entertaining fighters will go show-off, superficial people will have more important activities to do, sexmaniacs will go discuss their vision of "love", but I may end the night with the realists, the idealists and the true lovers, people who like to look at the reality in the face, who paint their lives from it and who still want to understand more about it, if such people still exist in good form, and good form is very important here.

There are quite a few interwoven stories in my work; my personal life, my hate of this reality expressed in my opinions, a new view of the mind, a new view of life, a new view of the universe, a battle for true love, the development of a vision of gods based on life and universal possibilities as supreme entities dependent from science to find truth. Then there is the second part of my work which is the creation of a new reality, the design of a flower city, and finally, a path to make it reality, as much peacefully as violently. So don't judge too fast from the chapter you're reading and understand it is a brand new and fantastic piece of work encompassing most of my life, pure, un-manipulated. Finally, I should add that most the first few paragraphs were written after finishing the book and weighting my options, that's why I'll say right away that I'll open an internet site if my finances get good enough from selling the book, the site will be called "Life or New Reality" or something looking like that, and it will be the logical continuation of my work. But I do not worry about that, let's say I haven't meet or seen many people who cared with evidence about what is important to me, I would even say that most people would prefer to encourage absolutely anything else, anything, even if they will concede some value to it. They'll prefer to live through bullshit and illusions to be surprised only when death hits in their backyard, like dying in sleep as an ignorant. Others wouldn't dare be wrong so there is denial, others paid dearly their feeling of security so there is fear, and finally there is material accumulation so there is justification. And there is investment, family, age and many, many more arguments to do anything else except discover how deep in it they are, as they take the means and attitudes to sink lower, faster. What I globally stand for is last.

The ultimate goal of my work is the creation of a different reality on earth where everything works differently, so it is revolutionary and it will scare some people. Many will hate me because I'll demolish their view of normality or fairness or good and evil, but you can deny all you want, or ignore me all you want, I wrote it for present as much as future people, and they may just discover how much beside the track you were, to the point that your legacy could end-up as the source of the greatest generational resentment, thanks to your close mind you think open at a critical moment of our history.

My work is about my life around the year 2000, my opinion of anything of that time, what I like to think could have been and what I believe will be. It a reactive judgment book meant to be read to the end (12 chapters), reactive in the sense that my work will be written as a reaction to a reality that is not good enough for me, and a reality is made by and for people so it mean I'll judge people too, always reactively, not actively, it mean I judge people versus their effect either on me or life, since empathy is a good thing, in theory. So I'll talk a lot of people's attitudes because human responsibility cannot be discarded where it is involved; we like to be responsible for positive and good things? Then we are responsible for the negative and bad too. Some parts of what I'll explain cannot be understood well until another chapter, so don't go nuts too fast if I blast at something you're in "love" with; everything is interrelated, I cannot judge a single facet of this reality without looking at its interrelations, and so, many of my arguments are incomplete until I judge something else later in my work. Next, don't even start reading if you're under any kind of strong manipulating or flashing influences, particularly money or religions or rich creatures strolling with protection or in limousines.

I start that way because lots of people have become explosively susceptible or fragile minded from the conflicting mess of their mind construction, or from being scared to lose their democratic-capitalist view of happiness, and they sure aint got any tolerance left for my attitude. I prefer to eliminate the most inappropriate readers right away than to make enemies out of them, since I'm some kind of a good psycho... Furthermore, I prefer to be judged for my whole work, there are good and bad parts, and if I frustrate every reader before "The End", then I'll only get negative opinions. I'll continue this path right away by adding that if you can't read it without trying to find my mental problem, or thinking of insults, then it is probably because your path is terminal and can't change; this world is good enough for you, or you're an accepting, tolerating, peaceful and "loving" interdependent adapted person who will always reject other diversities than the one you're dependent from (like the democracy-capitalism business), and so this reading will be worse than useless to you as your mind will forever defend and fight for the system that works well for you, to the death. Leave my work to your children, maybe they will read it later if you can't, when your attitude will have ruined their future, if you didn't brainwash them too much...Forget it if you only read popular stuff too, romans, "erotism", the news and your religion; it will already be bizarre to read as a book, I don't want well adapted or superficial people to read this; it's too profound and it is evident they will deduct I've got some retard somewhere and a mental disaster of some kind, so I warn you in advance in the hope you won't waste my time complaining to win something...

Next, I believe continuing as we are in this version of being human, whatever the green revolution 2000, will lead humanity to lose its potential to spread in the galaxy, even if we make a base on mars, and that qualifies as the end of humanity to me. Or I could say humanity is so wrong toward life's goals it is actually evil as a whole (its creativity results in faster entropy). But if extraterrestrials debarked to take the planet I would fight them because I still believe in humanity, but I doubt it will happen unless we have wasted our galactic potential, I even believe we will never meet one until we prove we are either good enough or a failure. I'm not saying there are some around, and I'm not taking into consideration the possibility that they could have as a goal the acceleration of solar life, in which scenario they would be victims of the failure too, all the way to everything they ever touched (cursed through their minds (life communication out of the being), perpetual failure), but that's another story. At the minimum, following my beliefs, I presently have the right to selectively kill to prevent solar life's failure at the hands of the ego-gods ideology, more than that, it should be my responsibility to select radically toward the emancipation of life (see it simply as those helping life and true love for now, nothing to do with baby making), it's just a shame that I'm a love kind of guy and I need extreme frustration and emotions to access violent options. But a human targeting virus would do the job just fine (a life thing like HIV, but more virulent would be nice), but I'd have to keep a selection not affected by the virus (like those who got dormant VIH) alive following a different mentality for thousands of years until the new mentality becomes more of a human property; I would want to keep the high consciousness work of life going since I believe it is wonderful, it's just that it's been pressure selected in the wrong direction from the beginning, maybe for logical reasons from what I understand, but the price is becoming total and there's no extraterrestrial high consciousness in sight around to help redirect this work.

If I don't do any of that, it's simply because, apart from the resulting bad effect on me (I don't think I'd like to kill people), all the means have been taken, or it is a guaranteed failure in advance to try; I would immediately get killed or sent to prison, not that I'm against the concept... The only other option is the immediate birth of another growing reality, but peacefully asking is a waste of time and energy, even if you take a lifetime and a million words formulating your demand... But I'll still try since it is all I can do. Violence, pain, whatever the form, it's what current people understand it seems, not sound arguments, and while they would demonize me for using violence, at least I'd get a reaction for my effort... I hope you understand, because it is true, hate me all you want but violence works, books don't work, and this is entirely caused by a wanted mental retard in most of the population, intelligent animals with skills I could almost say, or stagnated minds, kept that way by the panoply of manipulative beliefs they can chose from to feel exceptional, all related to the democracy-capitalism business one way or another. They are a risk to the immediate survival of solar life and don't want to care the right way, so the only solution may be to put them down since they will never work toward a peaceful solution from sound arguments, they'll compete everything with bullshit, only a gun, violence, will get their ass moving in the right direction; they'll even prefer to cause the failure of solar life than try something else, or they'll do when the earth is a ruin, then you'll see them, all those who demonized me for saying the truth, using it in the worst way possible; without consciousness, out of bullshit reasons, and to continue the ego competition...

I don't like comparing people to animals, but we live in a hierarchic dependent reward system civilization where our actions are more akin more to an animal survival system than a true reward system (most people work to survive in decency, while dreaming of winning 100 billion dollars, that's their reward, but you could see it as modern slavery too...). Furthermore, the mass is encouraged to "go with the flow", to believe they must act from their unconscious capacities (the path of least resistance) where historical forces are well implanted (for human attitudes this is mainly historical indoctrination provided by the system, so old and profound it has become unconscious, a human property). That's why there is so much literature and psychology boasting the good of letting yourself be driven by your unconscious; don't question things, too hard, not your job, follow some guru and go with the flow, or do some yoda, stop existing (yoga, but yes, it's not far from what that booger in star wars is doing...), keep your consciousness for your job! It may be the reason why people killing unconsciously (they lost the map, rampage, bloodlust) have more clemency in the justice system too, but while the classic barbarian is the most dangerous in your immediate vicinity, the justice system itself should be more fearful of thinking people making long devilish incantations... The strange thing is, we made this entire reality consciously, but you know how blind and stubborn indoctrinated people can be... To the death. So I'll ask you why did life (or the universe) make a high consciousness specie? Go ahead, use your consciousness to answer the question, what would be the meaning or usefulness of life in the universe if high consciousness didn't exist? What would life be if it only got animals unconsciously going with the flow of their environment? What would be the goal of life if it didn't have the power to give birth to a form that could consciously explore, understand and interact with the environment? Consciousness, we morph everything with it, even ourselves and our unconscious, and we are just at the beginning of its development, but, the set of laws is always given by life under the form of unconscious harmonizing integrity through reproduction.

It takes an effort from my part to respect anybody or any system encouraging an emphasis on doing things without questioning (even if doing it would make your life easier in the reality that historically selected and morphed the unconscious to make life easier for the ones unconsciously following its ways...), it is exactly at the opposite of the precisely most fundamental reason we exist, in fact, there would be no existence notions if high consciousness couldn't exist, nothing, no universe. I have no problem killing a problematic animal living from the flow of the environment without questioning and I have no problem killing a problematic human doing the same, and there are far more problematic humans than problematic animals. And those adept of this unconscious way of living (including the Dalai lama, the most overrated "guru" on earth...) actually think they possess wisdom and try to spread it to the youth! My ass got more wisdom!

So, if you want the conclusion to my whole serie of books from the beginning, that way you won't have to endure my bad but necessary attitude, then you could say that I believe humanity has developed as evil and will fail at the universe adventure for it, whatever the way it will happen. We could successfully spread in space for a thousand years before meeting someone that developed by taking the best path as a philosophical emphasis, and they will eliminate us without a warning since everything is a matter of good and evil. But I'd be the first surprised if we lasted that long, I'm more inclined to think loss of potential will happen within the next 100 years, I see it as the end of humanity, but it won't be the physical end of it, we'll have a great future at bitching, crying, and throwing responsibility everywhere except at the right place. It will be the end of hope though, humanity will stay on earth and it will die there. As to the why, it is because humanity was historically selected to be vulnerable to manipulators or bullshit to the point that the most rewarded people are the best manipulators and profiteers. Our languages are completely left at their mercy, our languages is a competition of who will twist the meaning of what while it is the most fundamental morphing tool of our minds. The result of this is that people never gained the judgment to discern truth from bullshit at a sufficient scale, with the help of those who do don't give enough of a shit about it. You can say you don't care about good or evil or good philosophy but all our decisions give a better or worse result, and this result can be the failure of solar life, thus the need for maximum judgment. The situation is so bad that even if I tell the truth about how the universe works and was formed, I would gain, whatever the quantity of arguments, whatever I make sense or not, 1% that would believe it and 99% would prefer to believe in anything else, which is an absurd fail; even 50% would be a fail. To succeed as a specie in the universe you need judgment and discernment and vision, and humanity is very far from having enough to even survive its own bullshit mess. The way it's going, humanity will believe in all the bullshit possible, any insanity not making sense, before believing in the most logic or sensible vision, and it is a reflection of the success of the ego-gods ideology, disinformation supreme for manipulators and profiteers to take and control everything until the earth will be a ruin. So who cares if I have the solution to put humanity back on the right track, because for the same reasons that humanity is on the path of failure, people will prefer to spend their energy and time trying any cheap bullshit solution that will sure eventually worsen things, than to try the solution that will work. But you'll know it's starting when cataclysms become regular news, and some resources comes to miss as big people start justifying to discard responsibility, while the internet gets filled with bullshit like interstellar travel was impossible because of this and that...

Evidently, this is just a personal opinion I shouldn't talk about, or place in my taboo theories category because I'd like as much to be wrong as I'd like to be right, and that's too general and easy to invalidate, not worth a bit of flak... But in a sense in my work, I will decide on what attitudes I want to put my money on, and I'll try to handicap what I don't like. For now, if I was a selective deathly virus and nothing changes and no new reality comes to be developed, then I would infect the base, which is the stronger knit together interdependent people who have an intrinsic negative effect on life, let's say the adults who don't care about things, those who never believed in true love, the frustrated matron (the type that walks loudly or make noises on purpose, often to piss men off or disturb them or castrate them psychologically), those who hate men, those who hate women, pimps, prostitutes and men who use them like it's everyday business or a reward (it's a matter of pressure selection, sorry if you can go that low for money or drug, or if you like it, I want people to stand for love, I want them to prefer death than to trade sex, the same for many things, the pressure to reward and encourage people who can go as low as possible for money is an evil generator principle I'll always fight, even if some prostitution is justified or understandable, the same for the people who are justified needing them), those who hate sex and make others suffer for it, those who destroy love (can be by their systems like systemized unfairness), the unfairly rich (those who need more than 250 000$ a year (everything included and working) to satisfy their needs or find happiness) and all the happy ego innocents working with unshakable conviction who have a condescending attitude (important), cheaters, yeah, cheaters altogether, I got a special problem with cheaters, particularly when they cheat at their own games... the "who cares" type too, all are out if they are advanced in adulthood. What!? Why? Wait! My insane opinion? Just placing some numbers in my algorithm of good and evil, who is evil? What is evil? When you punish you define it, when you make war you define it, when you build reality you define it, when you spend money you define it, and it is evident I have a very different view of it than the actual facts of this reality, so don't ask my opinion again, not worth the effort, denial, bullshit entanglement, manipulation skills emphasis, inadequacy through pride, ego competition, unconscious evil, big many complex problems I'll continually have to talk about as I write, respectfully, about my stroll in this vigorously developing hell... If that last bit was too much to take, why don't you stop reading, why are you still reading insanities? Who reads insanities? Insanity spreads you know...

Instead of thinking I'm insane, so you can continue reading my fine mind, let's just say those are the people I don't like as friends, ok? Or is it those I don't care about? In truth, all through my work, I will fight reality and attitudes, not much the people themselves, or is it proportional to means? Which includes large groups, like the selection who is the most critical mass having the means to change things. All that is a matter of reality versus responsibility; the reality is responsible as a momentum from the past like a religion, while people are responsible when they don't even try to go farther than the religion itself, or when they condemn other or even humanity to it. But things all go back to the reality that has been made invincible with time, and someday nobody will be responsible, only dead old people, many rich or glorified, and then we'll be left with an invincible reality with an interdependent selection, and we're almost there. I understand people can't do shit, that they are divided, or religious, or have better things to do etc, etc in the panoply of justifications, a lot meant as pacification tools to protect the reality, but someone got to do something, I guess the one that understands, or that nobody understands, or is it the best mind amalgam with the bravest soul? So the minimum is that you respect the ones who are trying, even if they tell you you are in part responsible. It's like the selection, I know that many people hate this reality, but do they care beyond that? Are they serpents giving a different speech from both sides of the mouth while they just embark in the system with all their might? Are they liars? Do they reveal as traitor when in face of choices? It's easy to be an hypocrite to have a maximum of friends or to say you are revolted, but what do you have to show for it? If you have nothing to show for it then you have nothing to do around me, even if I understand the situation of your life, or your weaknesses, because in the end you can understand almost any attitude people develop in this reality, until you are in hell. I could say there are justifications for having a prostitution (escort) system for some people, but 90% of this market works toward evil and affect masses and love negatively presently, worse when it will be fully legal in this reality, so I'll eventually invent a better alternative, but I fight for true love, so I'll fight prostitution as a whole entity, under whatever form, twist it, glorify it, contort the language to beautify it, it will only worsen my opinion. And don't think yourself too good with marriage; working hard or raising a family with competence doesn't discard your basic responsibilities toward life either. So even if I understand people, even if I could have taken the same attitude, at some point I must draw a line where there is some adequate willpower to do things in a better way if I'm to have some integrity, if not then it's all a bullshit story to reap in the likes...

Supposing I'm taken seriously, then, if you want to get out of this mess peacefully, the only option I see is for those who are the most responsible for it, those who took, or accepted to take too much, to put their money in the creation of a brand new shiny reality like the one I'll describe. They'll have to put the money in a foundation and use it not to change current reality, but to get space to develop a new reality. That's the only solution I see to prevent our end, besides total war, but I don't much believe in forcing things, even if I know violence works. It's just that I always see violence as a temporary force at high risk of reverting; you don't make friends by kicking people, know what I mean? And I understand the will to revert from violence because I experienced it myself many times under many forms. But yes war is an option, and it can work, but it's the worst option and it is infinitively far more costly in everything, particularly life, than doing things peacefully. Then there is belief, nothing is worth doing without some level of strong belief is my opinion, so war to make space without spirituality and a project making sense would probably not bring victory to human survival in the long run, it would lead to the general definition of anarchy, which would be going back at a more basic and extreme form of egotism competition.

As for my attitude, I know many won't like it, but when big problems arise, or when you work on something big, intelligent people assemble for the better of all, they don't quit at the first opportunity, whining like a babies that someone aint got the same attitude as themselves. Anyway I'll be justified in anything over and out, something you wouldn't ask of "intelligent" susceptibilities who are the one more prone to go nuts when they are judged, (in fact it is my experience that many people who think they lack intelligence have more than they think, and the ones who act like they have a lot dwell much more in bullshit, but I said "many people" not "generally", one thing's for sure, big mouths definitively don't impress me). So you'll get loads of judgments on attitudes and guess what? I'll point at you and say why you're part of the problem, and I easily can guess nobody likes that.

If what I write frustrates you too much then don't read it, like you're supposed to do if a movie is not the kind you like; you don't watch it. You don't read my kind of work if you see a mental problem like dementia, psychosis, paranoia, negativism, etcetera, in people who criticize attitudes, unless you're masochist, the same if you immediately go on the defensive to call such opinions pessimism or moralization. "Everything" human related is a question of attitudes, if I say this world is "hell" and should be fought, it is all because of people's attitudes, like the forever accepting and tolerating kind of attitude. And those people, well brainwashed to fear, who worked too hard to have their place and get full of stuff, since they'll cause the end of humanity (loss of galactic potential) hand in hand with the rich they admire, since they won't change and will forever refuse that a different way exist even if it doesn't affect their way of life, they should be battled. And yes I bow to innocence, but not when it is willful, and today, in the face of this reality that is getting better (always), innocence as an argument to defend wrongs is invalid; only the youth can have my pardon, the rest should all get an exemplary lesson, but since it will never happen (never say never anybody?) only life can soothe this fire burning inside me.

Yes I could end-up saying hell is nobody's fault, people are all pitiful innocents who are not responsible in no nothing, as they make plans to steal or kill, but that's total bullshit, what will an alien say if we mess him up? "Oh, it's the human, we must pardon everything, nobody's responsible because they don't know what the fuck they're doing!" That's your free pass to do anything? Or do nothing? Or not take your responsibilities? That's what defines the human? A species that doesn't know what it's doing? In the face of the failure of earth life, we'll just cuddle ourselves together encouraging each others by saying "we're not responsible, we didn't know what we were doing", that's what you'll say to god? You'll tell him it's his son that said that and point at your religion with its bible as a proof that you didn't have nothing to do with it, it's all the fault of Jesus? And the atheists, what will they say? They don't have religious stuff to defend what they know they're doing if it ends-up bad!

For me this reality is hell, and I'm not happy in hell, I don't accept to be a part of it, I'll always fight it, and I'll hate all its submitted gremlins who embellish all what I hate of it, including religions, just in case you assume there is a relation... Never asked yourself why in hell educating people in killing other nationalities is paid, while educating people in saving lives cost thousands of dollars? Things like that are only an insignificant fraction of the panoply that prove this reality is wrong in its fundamental philosophy, and I know people don't care, worse they don't even notice grave inconsistencies so much their brains has become superficial, worse they'll defend evil because their lifestyle is dependent from it. So if you are a well-adapted part of this reality, you'll probably try to embellish what makes it wrong to me, and me I'll reflect worse until you understand the fatality of battling me in the face of what I stand for.

With such an attitude you're supposed to send a super hero savior of your "not perfect world" after me as a preventive measure; you got a thousand of them, from 007 to superman, it's just a shame my kind of hero was logically never invented... One thing's for sure, he wouldn't always end-up shaking the hand of governments meant to grow the exact kind of attitudes I despise, but yes they do good deeds and fight no better than themselves, it's part of the manipulation strategy...

Who is the most valuable guy to you on earth? Batman? Spiderman? Superman? All people with access to fantastic means, like your president, and people "love" them because they (in ego theory) defend people and serve good (or serve people and defend good?). I believe that with any definition of good and evil it is possible to deduct such things, you do it without thinking by paying your superstars "gods" and divas like the sky's the limit! But you don't have the same definition of good and evil than me, and I'm not a reflection of what media people push as ideals for people for sure...I think that the true value of someone is in the total life advancement value he provides versus the means he's taking without cheating (like stealing other people's work, or means, or making a manipulative version of it in the name of serving profiteers or evil like systemized unfairness). And that would make me extremely valuable, even if evil cheat me of the means to reach my best effect. Now I see you coming with your twisted altruistic view of ego, but wait a minute before feeling the need to crush me back where I belong in your opinion, with the help of your superior judgment and knowledge... you have to know I'll try any shoes I meet, half seriously, it's part of my introspection, to open the possibility for myself; if I don't envision the possibility then I'll close it for me, but there's a difference between a true possibility and one that is a waste of time. For now I'm saying, in my view of how life works, "This is the web of my thinking; did I spent my resources (time, energy) building sufficient harmony to strongly supports this possibility I just thought about? Or-and "I'm the source of this belief and I feel alone with it (first and only theory), and as I understand its worth I decided to fight for it"...

Now that I gave myself the right to this position (ahem, "position" is a little strong here, but more fun so why not, if I'm to continue on the path I just explained?...but I really meant to say "possibility", and don't think I don't know that the possibility exists that some guy will someday kick my ass from the, ahem, "position", but enough of this...). So how do I feel as one of the most valuable human of this planet (human, I don't do miracles...), does reality embraces me or does it clashes with me? What happens when I meet the minds of people (people themselves darn!)? Do they see me as the source of learning that I can be? Or do they completely misjudge me? Upside down is extreme though, like I'm a worth nothing, but that's to be expected in a healthy and vigorous hell, in full swing dancing and fucking toward its own destruction and laughing "who cares!". Ok, maybe I exaggerate and generalize a little here, but this reality doesn't makes me feel much better than shit, and that conflicts totally with all the conclusions I've come to about life; I'm not a shit! But who will show that I'm valuable for who I am in this reality? Nobody in my experience, so I'm left with life and things like hell and after death...

So I'm not ashamed to expose such possibilities of my vision of things vs me where maybe I'm bigger and more valuable than what I reap in this reality. And I know many jealous gremlins will want to have my possibilities, without effort preferably, but they won't be the first and or only, and they won't have paid the price for it, which is not necessarily monetary. People won't (and shouldn't) sacrifice a part of their life to loneliness or poverty to get a facet of wisdom either, but no problem since lazy or limited minds prefer brainless or limited jobs, and both comes from brainless reproduction (at least one brain (fully formed at it, exceptional in its harmony preferably) is necessary to have a chance at reproducing brains...) But today everybody must think itself superior in something, or special or smart or intelligent or good, if not they'll step in depression, and the line of respect is dictated by popularity, which is like a sick definition of good and evil for many people... Most people found arguments to crush me in my life, even the help I got had an aftertaste of superiority-inferiority, so I say fuck you, I'll give myself some value, and you'll take none of it because I'll be the one and only, why? Because I think of those possibilities, and I describe the theories I invent to justify them, my thinking never ends with a cut rope (superficially. I can descend deeply in hell and climb so high I reach heavens, kind of...). Find your own value, don't copy it from me to have a placebo that will give you pride in this reality, unless you are ready to pay the price in the possibilities I'll open for you. And beware the inflated opinion you have of yourself, acting like you are big in reality is different than giving yourself some value out of fun while living loneliness and poverty, and seeing everything as superiority-inferiority competition is different than seeing everything as a value toward attaining a goal, it's a question of ideology I guess, I don't want to be superior, I want to be valuable, and not to superior people, to life (which may include humanity, gods...).

I say something went very askew with the value of pride and the definition of judgment, because from what I witness, either I am some unexplainable phenomenon, which I'm not, or I really see a majority as severely limited mentally. Not as bad as the most adored for his intelligence though; professor Stephen hawking... I'm exaggerating a little, he could write science fiction to get my approbation, but I reserve myself the right to kick anybody that has been made an untouchable "god" by media manipulators, or given too much of a vastly inflated reputation. Stephen hawking has been raised to the position of "god" of intelligence by British media people, and the embarked selection, and facebook and its memes, but I see none of it, not that I'm like a fan following the life of the "god", it's just that every times I hear something from him I can contradict it immediately. Maybe I'm making a fixation, but I'll thank British media intelligence for that... You have to wonder if they are not unconsciously trying to associate intelligence to handicap or ugliness or big glasses...I know he was a great astrophysicist when younger, but let's be fair; his present views of the universe are not much better than what any college student can achieve with a little uncontrolled imagination, and there are sexy ones! I But one got to admit that college in this reality got a tendency to produce a lot of educated proud morons, so maybe I shouldn't compare. One thing's for sure, your jealousy you'll have to stuff it if you want to one day make of earth a nice place for life, I have nothing, what if I give myself a little imaginary value if it fits my vision of things? You want to live my life presently? You'd fail, live yours, I fought for this, my mind. And my value? I just gave myself a justification to have it, but it means nothing unless I prove it, did you think about that? I don't copy, but I can work from good examples, none of which I find in this reality, so life is my good example.

I have strong opinions some people will not like at all. As an example I've got a vision of love that don't include homosexuality, even though I have no problem with this sexuality around, and I can do like ignoring it? Yes I can do that, but don't attract attention, which is the exact contrary attitude many homosexuals have. You ask me to ignore your sexuality that composes half your personality? And then you grab the most colorful flag you can find and trumpets and start pissing me off with your sexuality? Oh yeah, very smart, bring-em on homosexual friends! I could still have one as a friend, if he behaved in a good manner and didn't talk special, which is not the case for most, sorry, they just want to grab at my ass and the smarts feels fake, and stop talking weird. The same for religious people (different from believers); religion use spirituality to manipulate and profit from people, I see them as tools to pacify where there should be revolt, but I could have a religious friend, if he behaved in a good manner, which is not the case for most, sorry. What is behaving in a good manner mean to me here? It means no manipulating people to mess up their judgment or to cultivate innocence for profits, which can have a very large meaning, like a priest trying to exploit spirituality or a weakness to manipulate.

My work is about good and evil a lot, evil should not touch it with its pseudo good hands. Good and evil, you see it the way you want, personally, if it was not for the reality itself (the system of PMBBD) then I'd say most people evils don't bother me, I definitively don't think of evil when I see people, and I appreciate their courtesy too, it's a matter of priorities too, and there are attitudes that can warrant willful evil (make it more easily pardonable or forgettable). But in my writings I'll have to make an emphasis on it because everything is about good and evil, and I'll detail every facet of it, and if I see a bit of it stuck between the fingers of a lizard, I'll chop the hand to look at it "serve you well to touch evil you asshole!", but only once, unless its origin is deducted in future developments of the web of my thinking, then I may have to chop another one (I don't keep parts around sorry for the evil (of cutting the hand, or of accusing categories of people related to the evil discovered if you read between the lines...).

That's the farthest I believe I can go in the current state of things, my goal is not to brainwash or force, even if I reserve myself the right to raze humanity; I don't want slaves to raise an ego reality anew, and I don't want a place where people are unhappy, so people must want my ideal in their soul, I must touch them within the parameters of my beliefs, truth, so my goal is to explain and get myself understood (I'm not sure I got that covered with the lizard, well...).

Not only that, but all my battles, all may be vain, all this epopee I'm making may be the result of a mental sickness, or it does not exist! even if I feel superman in my soul, and my emotions get expressed adequately, or maybe a connoisseur will debark and mention that I have a positive bias versus my own attitude and a negative bias toward reality, but that sounds like dumping a bunch of drano on my head to dissolve my problems with a good flush, what I would tend to call shut-up argumentation. I try not to at least (bias), but one thing's for sure, if bias there be, it won't be toward my enemy...and I know that time supposedly embellishes memory, or that we selectively forget, maybe you can even find lies, bullshit more like it in my work, I'm not beyond that, I try not to but it may happen, particularly in a heated discussion, and I pay the price in credibility and evil, too bad for me...I prefer things that changes nothing (no negative effect on life) but makes some type of people reveal themselves, there are 3 among my books, they are traps for rats...I'm no saint, but my point is that all kind of argument can be thrown to discredit me or my work, like self-serving, another one thrown about by manipulators and going strong these days, to culpabilise anybody based on totally normal behavior, like criticism. I criticize based on my personal experience and behavior, why should I do it based on an actor or a politician or somebody else that gets publicized because they fit within the TV box? So in my view opinions tend to be self-serving by default, but why the negative undertone pushed by media people? Why should those in position of manipulation have the right to point a finger at me and criticize that my criticism is self-serving? Like I have an egotism problem and media people are so knowledgeable on the matter of self-serving that they can accuse me of having an ego behavior? Doesn't make sense, but "who cares" will answer the selection...

So turn your tongue a lot before saying something manipulative about my opinions, but if you are open minded and not in an ego competition, then you can ask yourself the question that lead to my opinion, do it, then put my opinion among all the alternatives you can find, then pick the best. Tree things get done when you do this (at least...) first you ask the question; I never shy from any question, I don't fear what I'll discover. Second, you elaborate possibilities; I have the mind to explore and develop interconnected possibilities beyond what currently exists, I'll never be scared of bringing new food to the table. Third, you answer the question for you instead of doing it passively from reality pressures; I do it in the most interconnected way possible...Still, a lot of what I'll develop as opinions are not worth that much investigation, you wouldn't believe how time consuming developing my opinions can be, half of which unnecessary complexity in a good reality.

Personally I just want to have fun like I should, yes, and I want a nice woman with me, there is that too...Not with some moron! Moron sleep with moron, that's my opinion, ahem...No, any worthy woman has the right to be with me because love is a whole, but better be cute and listen the moron (Ok...I mean the less mind abilities, the more people should listen (logical like raising children), but you wouldn't dare say that to anybody in ego reality... and it is somewhat true that less gifted people (not handicapped!) may be meant to go with their contrary, because there's stuff to learn there, completion to be found, and deep qualities too (depending on the type of reality, ego people try to use others as an emphasis, thus developing bad traits in both persons...), and it would fit with my vision of love...errr, I mean it would fit with how I am a sexist (they say...). Yes, it's been tested that 2 big brains don't add-up, but it doesn't make me feel good, I'd need a classroom of "students" or it's like I'm left with nothing, as always, probably troubles (imagine the trouble I'd fall in if I had to deal with a classfull of rutting morons, fail, everybody fails...). I will fill your mind with wonders, please show appreciation, I have genetics for great kids too, good genetics at it, but we still could end-up a whole family of schizophrenic morons, how about it? Yes I'd accept it like that, humbly at it, In fact I'm tired of this shit, I'll get a batch of morons and do everything in my power to make them great because I know they can advance more than most, yes, must find a name for my sect now...It's a shame it's anti deontology or something, it almost made sense for my style, I could even enjoy it and see it positively you know, but the ideal of such scenarios rarely persists through time, and I'm at war girls, and a sect is an ego reality thing, and love, well, someday I'll have to abandon love for myself if it doesn't manifest itself, then maybe I'll trade it for feelings that can be as valuable. Battles are temporary, I'm not the sacrifice type, are you? I hate the concept even if I understand its importance, and I'll have done more than enough of the sacrifice stuff to write this masterpiece, do your part now. As for moron, don't take it badly when I use the term, yes it means what it means, but at the point where I am today I use it affectionately, and never would I use it with someone that gained my respect, I only insult in the flesh people I don't like, and I have "every" defect in the bible, it comes with the super dangerous job, so don't pass your time offended (yes, I could easily slip profound in "sin", but I choose not, for as long as I'm not satisfied with my work. When I'll be older I'll see if there's still sinful holes I'll want to slip profoundly in, but I shouldn't talk like that, bad for young people, they can read 30 shades of grey though...)

I was trying to explain how I can still appreciate people, even grandmas things, even though my book may suggest the contrary, particularly if some asshole manipulator start taking phrases and modify their contextual flow by skewing their emotional value, (the simplest form would have the perpetrator launch a joke about something weird I wrote, resulting in a release of feelings buildup (my work) under the form of laughing, it's a transfer (a steal) as it is the perpetrator of the joke who reaps the benefits of the positive of my effort while I reap the negative, like influencing subsequent willpower, and there's admiration, feeling of intelligence, ego satisfaction. People need it too, they want to forget, it's far better to feel intelligent for understanding a joke than feeling moronic for understanding you understood nothing all along...And that's not all, any sane gremlin wouldn't dare spend money on me, or even just say thank you for what I'm doing, so instead it goes to their idol, the laugh becomes the thank you of the fearful, weak or lazy mind, the complete ablation of the introspection procedure in favor of a pathway that satisfies media conventions (at societal level, but all that is weird stuff I'll have to discuss with gods...) (evil under the foot of the lizard...).

Once I'm done writing, then you can bet that if life is to survive this hell, then the next round will see something like my soul shine. And don't worry, I look at myself a lot before pointing at others, in fact, you'll notice that most of the times I criticize an attitude, I'm sufficiently competent at introspection to question if I possess said negative trait or not, and I'm capable of finding what arguments a bullshitter will use if I don't defend on all possible facets of deficient or superficial reasoning. So don't be surprised if I often start a self-defense argument bout, I'm doing prevention against evil, evil which is very fond on twisting and manipulating words with vehemence, which is the nourishment the ego innocent needs to persist and feel pride, hell's gremlins feed on bullshit, defend bullshit, spread bullshit, they are dependent from it to continue in their innocent wrongs they like so much.... So I'm doing what needs to be done to prevent evil from transforming my mind to bullshit.

That's what a good person needs to do in hell, even if he stands with only his life, defend alone against the dedicated force of ego innocence. And don't tell me I'm exaggerating (see, constant preventive defense) because as soon as I decided to act in a truly good manner I ended-up alone. And yes I'm responsible (see, constant preventive defense, identify it yourself now, it's all over my writings), I took the means to succeed in hell, and to succeed I had to flush a lot... As a priority I should add. But I still tolerate ego innocents at a superficial level, to test if they'll act condescending with me, because I always start lower, it comes with the complexity, so I may seems more innocent than most, but it's just that I deal with a lot more data to form my judgment, data that I deduct myself. In fact, since everything is always more complex with me, I must say that I think all forms of innocence can be justified except ego innocence which I see as more related to not caring unless worth it in ego satisfaction. I think I tolerate a lot, and I mean a lot more than I should, it is even evident as I write that I try to increase my tolerance, acceptance and pardon level, so much in fact that I sometimes find myself having an emotion for evil...

I like to fight evil, I feel important when I do because I know the fate of solar life lies in the balance, in this book I will try to attack my enemies diplomatically and specifically, but doing so 100% of the time without generalizing a little would make for an interminably long and complex book, and my brain would fail resulting in a great deterioration of judgment. You have to endorse my view of good and evil for my book, and the result will probably be that you'll hate me. You still have to do it and endure me, and it's a long trek, but somewhere along the way you'll just want to know more, I hope, before I die, as I should die.

You think you're good don't you? If not then you humbly think you're good don't you? Or you think you do what you have to do, or maybe you think you do your best, or maybe you don't care, or maybe, for whatever reason, you're trying to do good in whatever way your intelligence permits you to understand about the matter, in harmony with some media influenced attitudes and beliefs adequate to your attention span and whatever something you believe you have to do to feel socially reinforced pride (yes that sentence actually works and makes sense.). All that to say that the basis of all my work and judgment is a view of good and evil because that's the most important thing of the universe to me, right next to existence itself, since the most logic view of evil is non-existence or entropy. You have to understand this, my main goal, the reason I write (while I hate the sport...), is to show people what good and evil really is, and if you don't care then you should live like an animal and be treated as such. It will not be scientific or organized, but it will be everywhere, and it will define how you feel about my opinion; everybody will tend to hate me, proportional to the clash of personalities (and I clash with everybody...), but as I'll explain, solar life is in trouble because of us, and as crazy as it may sound, the only way for it to keep on existing or enjoying living, is for people to temporarily, as they live through me, relinquish their religions, gurus and superstars, and endure my ordeal with me a little, to understand.

You now know what attitude to take if you are to go through my work, but still, if you are a defender of an ego philosophy, a spreader of bullshit, if you can't change, or you're too old to change, or you invested too much to acquire your current mentality or materiality, then don't bother reading the epic pile of arguments that will compose my work, you will just defend until you die, and twist everything to win something.

And it's all about the mind structure, I made myself to live free in my mind, setting my own limitations for adequate independence, people who like this reality made themselves to live like they do, and they limited their minds to its structure, and once this dependence settles in, they will always need encadrement, laws, directions, a certain formulae of socialization, if they lose that they'll make a depression, they'll feel the true state of their intelligence too, a fabricated state ready to crumble, fake, and no amount of money will change that, and the only way to keep their self-esteem will be to continue in the same kind of path. Very not the same than me...

So if your brain is broken by innocence and too much bullshit, you must not read my book (s), you'll be on the defensive and frustrated all along, and you'll spread a biased negative opinion of my work, thus doing what you do best innocently; evil. The same if you can't tolerate to be proven wrong repetitively, or if you wouldn't dare separate yourself from your safe and comfortable preconceptions, or if you think all the knowledge resides on the internet or your social circle, or that you live in the best system of the universe, that none better can be freshly invented, then don't bother reading, the same if you don't like my attitude, sorry, it comes with the job of decorticating all the bullshit of this reality. But I'll still try to be diplomatic and understanding...

Still most people when they'll have read through a few chapters won't be interested by my style no more, you grow tired of my untouchable demeanor, and that's normal, there's attention span too, there is time pressure too, there is pride. Thank-you for trying, now please kindly dump this book and go back to your normal life and go find interesting people around alcohol too, he too, sex.

While you have the right to any opinion about my work, I will say it is proportionally devaluated by what you don't take the time to understand, or those books you don't read or finish. I say that because my work is big and heavily interrelated, and if you take action out of the context of any suggestion I make, then you'll make a mess and accuse me. This effect can be greatly reduced if you tell yourself that my suggestions are for another reality, because they are, all what you'll adapt of my suggestions or visions to the ego reality you'll likely scrap the good of it, it's not your fault, yes it is, but, anyway, I'll refuse to bear responsibility. All my inventions, all my visions, they are for another reality, but if you have the patience to read to the end all my work and understand it with some wisdom, then yes, many people can do some good in their lives with my work. But my historical momentum is different than yours, I have my life of being me behind me, everyday cumulating +10 point of grandeur in my things, in strength of will, my personality is dependent from that. I don't know if I explain well, but everybody invest itself for that feeling, and losing it because of a too big break with reality can break someone, unless you've been revolted all along, but then my work is exactly for you; you'll do your path, take your decisions, and suffer the consequences with pride because you'll have found that key that's been missing all your life in my work, but I'll still hurt you, probably, or enlighten you?

So think before dumping this reality (your job...) because you want to better help good or life, it's a great idea, but I do it because I'm stupid, really...You have to know that evil is mainly proportional to means and people affected, your job may not weight much evil vs the good (it's not you that make the economy of hell turn the most...), and there are critical jobs that can be seen as neutral, like selling food, and it is the end result that counts, so if you find a way to not pay your taxes and you are not rich, then the situation is about the same as if you quit your job since you don't encourage systemized unfairness and you are not unfair yourself. Still, in the end you either help good or evil. For now that's what I'll give the "selection", they can put their job in the "the end justifies the means" category, and wait for better opportunity, I will minimally understand and respect that; people have a momentum in their life, and a direction, breaking that hurts, but only through action will you gain my approbation... Me what I do is another story, don't copy, my success is dependent on many details I'll never be able to expose in totality, just read my adventure and judge what and how it is worth fighting for...I say all that because I know that those who are more likely to understand me are lower on the pyramids, and they are the last ones that should have a harder life, and they are near me, at my level, even I kick them too...Too hard probably...

So I wouldn't drop my job if I were you, but you'll definitively want to change things in your life if you successfully read my work to the end, because this book is a curse, an incantation, absolutely, earth magic, the end of ego innocence, laugh at your own risk... Good, evil, hell, sounds like it's going to be one pile of bullshit, doesn't it? Yes, I guess that's how it would feel to people with skewed intellectual pride, but I'm bad, we're just at the beginning, be patient and relinquish your ego every time you open my book, get out of your body, I swear I'll be interesting all along my explanation about what is good, evil, hell, a life-gods ideology, an ego-gods ideology, it will all come smoothly, violently, surprisingly. For now, instead of dumping the book because you read "evil" or "hell", or because you're not the same opinion as me, just read and pass the problematic part (it doesn't mean to start skipping and reading blindly...), you'll see, it will come back to you later like a puzzle. And don't feel bad for nothing just yet, unless it's the second time you read this phrase...I mean, people are sensitive (not delicate), I'm hyper sensitive, and this reality will give you more than enough reasons to feel bad, and me I'll add to that? The same for what I do with my life, I could easily have been your standard programmer, things just coincidentally clashed more for me, and I embarked, that's the difference, I embarked in the game life played on me, and now I'll dance with it to the end...

What you have to understand is that the way people act, if we removed the pressures of reality, is allright to me, you think people are supposed to go crazy thinking about philosophy and evil and manipulators and all kind of other things that I shouldn't have to care about? I mean, these things are reality related, modify the reality and the set of qualities that will make people shine will be different. Exactly. You got to think some, fuck some, maybe make some kids, do some philosophy, do some nothing, work some at a boring job, etc, that's the way I see a healthy mind working, and so people generally still work fine in the head, there's just a few broken things that can get repaired given lots of time and a particular interest in the appropriate subject. I hope you'll remember that I know this, because hell is made of people, and while my main enemies are big bosses, I'll still have to hack through any "innocent" that interposes himself. The rest I can ignore, this "rest" is you, the reader, manipulate time and you are like a throng moving with me as I walk, studying my ever paragraphs, ready to pounce at the first weakness, BAM! Sorry, false weakness! But yes, some will give me serious hits, as we continue the dance through hell, losing some, winning some, until no innocence is left, only armies walking for battle, or creation, or both...

So the way good and evil works will gain you a little good immediately if you drop your job, by counter balance, more on the long run, but don't forget you are an ego reality member, as an adult you are made for it, or if you prefer, you're just a cute gremlin, little fur ball of evil, you still have potential, but you better listen and be serious about it. Altogether you make hell perform well, but alone what are you gonna achieve? If you want to go to the extent of quitting your job, then I would guess that doing it as groups would increase success potential. But good people work by themselves, you don't have to give them rewards, like me that just work for free, (survival or adequacy of writing if you prefer). So what will happen to an ego person that will drop its job? Laziness or a set of bad quirks will arise, and probably the unconscious of the person will invalidate any good through twisted failure. You have been warned, you are not me, evil playing with good slowly perverts it, I do good without having a job because life is in my soul, I take no responsibility if you drop your job because you are jealous of something I worked for, paid for, and suffered for (just so you know, me too I can be jealous of what you work for, pay for, and suffer for...)

It is about how a new reality can be birthed, which mean I don't like the present reality. So if you like it, if you thrive in it, if you're full of stuff, if you believe your system is the best or only one that works, or if you are too much of a religious, then you are inappropriate for my writings.

The story will develop as it is meant to develop; from the description of a personal life all the way to the invention of another view of reality. I will write about my life but it is far from an autobiography; it is as things must be when sparking a new reality; you got to start at the initial point, which is the path of my life. Now, my life ain't got much pretty stuff to it; it is a continual personal fight against the limitations of a reality I don't like, for my personal masochist fun I could say, but the true argument is my view of good and evil, and because of it, I'm at the very bottom concerning wealth or wellbeing.

I came to write in part to express what revolts me in this reality, but that would not have been enough to start me writing; I did because I believed things could be very different too. And I don't say that as an empty meaning around a beer; I could develop convincing arguments and inventions and I could explore far reaching possibilities. So I had to write, and I did, and not because I like it, or for money, or popularity, but as a responsibility; I had to write or I'd have felt bad for the rest of my life. It was doing my job in life and that's all. My reward is to see many people reading it whatever the story is not all pretty, but too bad if people don't like it, I'll fight for the integrity of my soul anytime.

So I talk about my experience in life, how I came to write a book (s) on a new reality, why I don't like current reality, how I see it, etc. But you won't see this relation well until you read it all, so if you stick to the first chapters (books), you'll totally miss the final steps where I invent another reality from what I learned in those first chapters; just don't form your opinion too fast.

There are 12 chapters to this book, the shell and the seed, the shell is made of the first 10 chapters (first 6 books), it is the argumentation, sometime deficient (no expertise here), of a simple man, that lead him to want another reality. Those first 10 chapters (6 books) make-up about half the book, then there is chapter 11 and 12 making the seed itself, sparking the possibility, and finally there is the root where I actually work to make the seed. So it is natural that some people will hate some of the first 10 chapters since they contain most of the argumentation that lead to chapter 11 and 12. As for the version distributed freely as a suite, it is exactly the same except it is divided, mostly by subjects, as 10 books.

It is not possible for someone who likes or accept the actual reality on earth or who think it's only got some temporary problems, or that socialism is the only other way, to develop the imagination for a new reality. In fact, I could say that a big part of the potential for a different reality is in the how truly someone hates current reality, and I said "truly"; when you truly hate something you surely don't do it or encourage it, and this applies to a whole reality; I'll never get a job and encourage it because I truly hate it, so much I'll invent a different one. I want a new reality on earth, and if I want another reality it is because I hate the actual one, and I have to say why no? And there must be a lot of things and attitudes I don't like if I'm ready to invent another reality no? So it's not all a pretty and peaceful book (s), and this revulsion for this reality will exacerbate my difficulty since hating with competence is far harder than loving with competence (to me...).

Next, another reality is not the same as the existing reality, it is very different with different people, not the standard of current reality, and it goes all the way to the most fundamental things. As an example, it encourages a spirituality that don't dwell in lies like miracles so is in conflict with any religious views; there is no stopping people believing in what they want, but falsehood propaganda will remain falsehood or entertainment or mythology, it surely won't be defended as truth. There is no democracy or dictatorship or such things either, no Capitalism, the economy is full of money but it's based on different values, another reality is another world; alien.

You won't get a fair world if you don't fight for it, one way or another, my battle is this book because people must have something worth fighting for. But like most battles, it won't all be pretty, and for now many people won't like my opinions as I "reverse engineer" ego reality (that can't be pretty don't you think?) to go back to fundamentals and develop the life-gods ideology (gods associated to life). But they are lucky I'm a very comprehensive person, enough so that I'm trying to identify them right away to tell them to go read something else; there is a trillion books, 1000 new ones get thrown on the pile every month, people write any crap just to say they wrote a book, find what fits your tastes and leave futuristic, revolutionary and revolted stuff to the appropriate people for it; I don't want my work to be desecrated by the jealous defenders of this reality. I believe my kind of book is the rarest a civilization can come to publish (find me an equivalent), more than that, you are extremely lucky to have one in its complete form, pure, from a single mind. I should even add it may be the most valuable book ever written by a single person in human history, and it may stay that way forever. But I know most well adapted or indoctrinated people will absolutely not see its value, or they'll insult my work by comparing it to the bible, or better, simply dump it with contempt while saying "very bad English"... Probably only extraterrestrials can presently appreciate it at its true worth...

So forget it if you like it standard, and no it's not a sex book, the same if you're scared of books inciting to violence or expressing hate; I'll have to describe this reality I hate and which I believe will eventually doom humanity, no choice about it. I must say why, along what I hate and then, after setting the basics of a reality I believe more humanly adequate and would prefer, I'll explore the possibilities of its creation; how to have space for it. I'll make an emphasis on doing it peacefully, but I know violence exists, I know time is limited, so I'll explore the option of violence and war too. I want to tell people that another way of things can exist, that an economy based on different values can exist, that a spirituality having nothing to do with religions can exist, that a system without a top boss can exist, that love can mean something better, and that it is the time to fight for it, for a different world, be it peacefully or violently, because soon there will be no way out of what has been made of the world and humanity.

I repeat again that hate this reality, me and the soul of solar life in fact, it's the fourth time I said it, I will write about what I hate, and since it is very different than what most ego dreamers hate, they'll say I'm wrong or I'm stupid, and I'll say the same about them. Maybe I should ask people liking this reality why aren't they writing books proving it is so good? Where are those books explaining with sound arguments how the system is so wonderful and good, and fair and the best, where are they? Sorry but I won't write as someone liking this reality, I'll write a book showing that I hate it so much I can invent another one.

I gave myself enough argumentation and justification to accept the responsibility of saying I'm impervious to the laws of this reality. It's a way of saying that if you want to stop me doing anything I want, you can, but any successful enforcement will be a double crime against me since I believe my vision of good and bad is more logical than the actual vision of it, and at the point where life is, it is the UI that will soon get involved in the situation of humanity's failure to stand for good, systemize fairness, and care for life and the price of it intervention could be the end of all life related to us, and I'm not talking about the price in pain... I'll prove good and evil is a reality difference, that this reality is condemned to itself and evil, that a place where my vision can exist can only be another reality. The next question will be; another reality? Then I'll have to explain what define a reality, why it is necessary, and somewhat prove that the possibility for a different reality exists. And forget all what you stand for, I'll paint my vision, since everything start with a vision, and after I'll relax; I'll be old someday, I may still want to watch time in comfort...

So I decided it was somewhat of a responsibility to explore some of my ideas and express them; I have these ideas, some squarely appear in my head, so what am I to do? Ignore them when I can't seem to find their equivalent? Pursue my personal ideas and ideals or pursue the ideas and ideals others want for me? Most people do the latter by default because of TV momentum...Me, I deducted that this reality will never appreciate someone like me because of its money flow strategy; I'll have to force it since I exist and what I stand for is bigger than anything in human history.

Why am I such a bitch? Because, even if I could be anything, I don't let others control me without very good reasons making good sense, and this mess that call itself the best system doesn't make good sense, and I said "good". Next, I've been assailed by jealous people from birth, and that have put on my shoulders a pressure dilemma; either I revert or crumble under the pressure to become the reflection of what they want of me or I become a nothing; I want out! I'm an innocent that don't know where to go or what to do; I need love, friends, help and logic, none of which I can find under the form I want; it is all a luck thing and innocent decisions, and I refuse to let it be like that. In the end, after some regrettable mistakes, I decided to make sense and write about my experiences and deductions at an epoch after the year 2000. I judged it was worth it to pursue this goal and give birth to a vague dream along with it, that's the best I deducted I could do in this reality, with my capacities and my time.

I will talk about subjects, ideas and things that are harder to be expressed directly, and some will deal with the true taboos of humanity. For the most part they are some of the powers controlling us. Since people don't like knowing they are controlled by someone or something else except rich "gods", or like to discover they've been wrong in their attitude from the beginning, then there are many more people who won't like parts of what I'll write because I prefer people who control their lives individually from the powers around, instead of innocently from T.V. or laws, or religions. As for the taboos, I will not only express them, I will explore and judge them since it comes with the job. Furthermore, I'll have to explain the why in my opinion things can't last anymore as they are and what could be the solution. I will try to give birth to, and fight for, a better reality based on my conclusion from exploring those many powers and concepts, as profound, vast, rare, manipulated or hidden as they are, and I'll do it without books. Those powers can be seen as the power of the mind, the power of the heart, the power of communication, belief, individuality, equilibrium, happiness, spirituality, ego, consciousness, love, truth, matter, money, science, governments, competitiveness, and many more. Why did I say "powers" instead of "subjects"? Well, I'm not strong on esotericism either, even if I absolutely like to place unknown in a spiritual context, but I'm talking about those subjects as powers because they can bring something positive to life if well understood and controlled; in a sense, life, as a solar system result, will go farther in time or distance if we make good use of those subjects, so yes they are powers, but they'll just be an emphasis within my work, I won't talk about them as powers, but you have to understand right now their importance so you don't confound my emphasis for complaining (or a sign of dementia for psys), so simple...

I will try to make the demonstration, with some frustration, that I'm justified to be revolted and that it is a human versus reality question. I will go to the end of it, and you will have an idea of what can be made out of it. It is not work made to sell or to make you happy in this reality, so don't come killing me because I didn't warn you. This book is a battle in big part against propaganda, manipulation, bullshit, brainwash, disinformation (PMBBD), ego and more. You'll meet those words everywhere at the tons; you may read the word "ego" 1000 time, and since I know many can't endure such words, you are probably far from able to accept this reading without ending-up defending your ego like crazy.

It is a moral battle so I'll be moralist, yeah, you don't like that either? You bet! You got to be brave enough to face your own truth to go through moralization without noticing it... or seeing it as bad. In fact, someone who is truly good enough can't say he read a moralizing book, only an opinion one, opinions can make you proud or bring you smiles, or make you feel ashamed etc. There is no moralization in my book (s) only opinions, people who got the capacity to take opinions constructively can like it and won't ever think about moralization, some will even change to reflect new factors, but if you're fearful of your own truth, or if your open mind is encased in cement, then it is automatic magic that you can't stand it and you'll probably say it is too violent, or contains too much moralist stuff or pessimism or "very bad English" (I think I'll never recuperate from that one...) to protect the "order" of things in your mind... Anyway, you're already submerged in moralization no? Top capacity! So you may be better reading something else that will soothe your ego instead, since experts of psychology will say the human takes moralization badly, like it's a proven human property, but the truth is that it is people like them who developed the problem until we have become unconsciously tired of being told what to do or how we are...this world is overloaded with such experts telling us what to do and how we are, and most are wrong, or trying to manipulate people to their "facts" which are just opinions no better than mine, but I'm no expert at nothing...

There is a whole bunch of hate too, something that has almost become a crime so successful and terminal the indoctrination is, hate is believed an invalid stupid thing to discard, but it is just compressed, displaced and hidden under facades; this reality is so full of twisted hate and "love" that most people's judgment is temporary or unstable and can't be trusted anymore except at their robotic job and for entertainment, trying so hard to twist everything to "love", tolerance, acceptance, pardon and compassion, and the ones paying are always the weakest, or true love, yes, that.

So yes you'll have every reason to hate this book (s) and me with it, particularly since I'm not fond of mass manipulations, particularly done by the elite of most gangs communicating their "wisdom" to masses, like many politicians, socializers, scientists, psy, religions, experts and sects gurus; they thrive on the internet and television, even schools are good at stuffing young mind with manipulations too, overloading minds with tons of senseless concepts, something like disinformation, books too, you got many big important books to read, written by all kind of well publicized geniuses at making your life always better, I guess the problem is that the effects are not cumulative...

My work may as well end up blasted as the worst kind and ways of writing, and there will be 12 chapters at it, each one is meant to kick your bucket from a different angle; when I'll be finished you'll be lost enough you'll have a hard time going back to your reality (leadership), particularly if you understand the worth of the option I'm providing. It all comes with the job too; I can't push you to look your soul and say it's ugly if I'm not sure a better one can be made, so I'll have to invent it and prove it can work as well or better. And I'll do it because whatever I don't believe humanity, in all its history and trillions of individuals, never could have found another path, I must still give it a chance.

All that puts me in a position I'm sure to dislike, but it's only temporary. You understand that you wouldn't give such a complete contract to your great "beloved" philosophers, or poets, or singers, or spiritual, religious or politician leaders, all well served... I'm far better than that! I'd be ashamed to wear any such titles! I'm better suited for the scientific and psy given ones; psychotic, sociopath, megalomaniac and the likes, but the one most reflecting my reality is a "Social assisted that profit from the system", that's the appropriate tag. What can be made from that much money and profiting? We'll see.

Since I can't pay an expert manipulator to steer me away from the pitfalls of communicating with people, I'll fall through those over and over again and it's rainy around here, so be careful trying to get near me, unless you get yourself all dirty. I'm not writing to get votes from people or respect or positive quotations, and you won't find manipulation strategies or schemes either, with one exception for those who will want to search the whole book for a conflicting phrase to what I say (there is always one as there is always an exception); you are free to read even if I tell you to drop the book, good enough? Even if you don't have what it takes, or if it will change nothing of you, you are free to read it, you are free to like it, and you are free to act upon it, is it better? Liberty, freedom...

Next is the way I'll write which may be a problem for many people, I'm French, just writing, and I'll do the most difficult kind at it. Since it may be hard, particularly for me, to situate my attitude in another language, I'll often judge negatively people and this reality directly. Many won't like my attitude, but you can't write my stuff without an attitude, so do with it, ok? Or you may have troubles with how I'll deal with the "we" and "you". Well, I'll try to stick to the following basic idea; when I'll write about humanity I'll try to use "we" since I'm part of it, when I'll talk about the reality humanity made, I am not part of it, never did, I never encouraged it, I never wanted to live in it, I don't like it, I don't profit from it, I hardly survive in it and that's all; so I'm excluded and it will be "you", the same when I talk about its many facets. So in theory, there won't be a lot of "we" because as soon as I reached adulthood I dumped almost everything of this reality (by my own will, not circumstantially), I'm not part of it, I'm another kind of human, homemade. When I'll write about brainwash, I won't include myself; most people are brainwashed or manipulated, not me, they are susceptible to hype, even need it, not me, they watch TV, not me, they accept and encourage this reality, not me, they have a job, not me. Yet, I'll still try to emphasis the "we" since too much "you" will be wrongly interpreted by susceptibilities, or used to discredit me, mainly under ego assumptions, which would be a suicidal joke. Still worse, since how I see things may end up quite insulting or frustrating enough as it is and I don't want everybody to dump what I wrote, I wouldn't want to do this for nothing, so I'll stretch the truth elastic far enough to include myself in any human activities; we are a bunch of ego people even if I'm not and my whole life is a proof of it, are you happy? I'm lying to spare susceptibilities because the truth is that most people are ego driven, not me. (What you wish for, unless there's a bullshit in there to the effect that you must say something like "I want to end thirst in the world!").

Now, I feel quite alone in my quest, for all kind of reasons, trying to truly work against this reality and work to truly create a better way, so when I write about it and the people in it, it is me against it and you that encourages it, pressure selected defender for whom things work well enough. I am the only example so I'll consider myself as the example and you'll be the example not to follow, well, in what I'll talk about, which is everything... I'll have to show you who I am, how I act and what you have to do to please me. I'll tell you what I don't like of people and of the reality, why, and sometimes I'll be wrong in, or exaggerate, my accusations, sorry. It will be your choice to wear the hat or not, don't forget that one; if you feel concerned by my pointing finger, then you are concerned. But you'd probably prefer to cut it right away since you don't point fingers at people working a lot without taking their true responsibilities; they hate pointing fingers. And don't make psychological bullshit with your language, like I'm doing autosuggestion, if I start on the track of satisfying all the criteria of psy great knowledge, I'll end up with either a 10 pages book or a billion pages one, and I'm far from finished with their great invincible profession; they better stash loads of hats... Yeah, I've got many scores to settle. Now, I'll have to somewhat open myself more than most people, and you may find ugly or old scars in there, so use your judgment; a person is more than the scars he carries.

At 25 I knew I would write, I already had cumulated lots of text, and I deducted I would be done around 35. So it didn't poof! (book appears) at 35 years old! No, it's not like that! It's a cumulative effort from around 25 years old on, 35 is just the "final" result of the job. I tried a few times to make sense, always ending-up impressed by my inability to write well enough. The first time at 27 in French, and I showed my pitiful result to my ex love to get her help as she was a master writer in French, and a brainy one; I wanted her part but she didn't accept. I accumulated in French until 29, but my French "friends" would find my most interesting 10 pages of imagination bizarre at best. Anyway, they read nothing written unless it's on a paper or publicized on television or internet; I decided they were totally sold to this reality, and my history with them started in violence, then insults, then superiority-competition. See it as steps; in youth they kicked as batches of 2-3, as young adults they mostly limit to insults because there's the law and fear and girls to compete over, but I still reaped 4 solid beatings for being cute and telling my opinion, it's like the spot is reserved for women or something (telling things bluntly)... and as full adults they just play the loser game of going with the way of reality that gives them the advantage until I'm dead, or they fucking start copying!!! And them bitches start running after me!!! I'm too old for this, it is too late, you have to understand that you should have shown your true self when I still had candor or innocence, when I was young! Or was it the tool I use to see your true self? Yes! And you failed lamentably because you embarked in your competition to profit from innocence with someone who had sufficient brains to see through the game you are playing that you have no idea about, it's just your moronic assumption that you know better because of your inadequate pride. Anyway, you're just a member of this reality where innocence is a competition ground for profits, it is manipulated, dismembered, directed and exploited; it is a vast pyramidal competition where everybody tries to finds the strength to climb by competing on their level by manipulating innocence, even psy, particularly psy...

That's what happens when you think and act differently and you're cute (almost forgot that one, it's a prerequisite, cute innocence attracts evil a lot more (Protection? Sermons? Direction? Sex education?, the more ego innocence (adult innocence, let's say around after the 18 years old epoch, remember the "around" principle, I'm a fan...) turn like flies around cute innocence, the more it destroys and spread evil everywhere, the exceptions are those having decent family principles, probably because their attitude brings them closer to the truth of love.). Brain people are better off with glasses, they must look like nerds, but anything goes, really, as long as you're not cute, independent, and imaginative or a bit revolutionary. It's just an explanation, find a scientist to compete my opinion, but the ego innocents of this reality caused me fantastic problems, even as I write they are still extraordinarily problematic, in the face of the end by their own attitude at it, surely not mine! And it goes on from little childhood all through my whole life, enough! I give my life work to you now, what I did while you were fucking the whole world-up in bullshit and running after money and possessions, I give it free, now clean-up your ass with it, that's probably the only way my work can help you. After years of tolerating, pardoning and closing my mouth and doing the peaceful, they finally succeeded at making me a sociopath, very good!

And yes it is easy to say poor you, to manipulate like I'm an exception, to defend the crap attitudes resulting in my revolt, but this reality will do it one way or another to you if you are gifted on many facets and cute and decide to make your own path, you'll see the ego drive of reality take form in all kind of shitty altitudes in the poor, poor innocents that just go with the flow and doesn't know what he's doing as he scraps your life and laugh!

I took the decision to traduce it all in English while giving it an order. I failed lamentably but I saw a very encouraging pattern, so I continued accumulating in English. With time I saw a lot of improvement through all these pages and bits of writings I had cumulated and at 31 I had so much it became necessary to start something that made sense from the pile, even if I knew it wouldn't be very good. Alongside that, I started fearing for my health so this added some pressure to advance my deadline and do everything faster and earlier, then there was that dream that put me on thinking and writing overdrive too... So I wrote, only taking breaks to keep on supposing I'm healthy, which I hope I still am. I would have preferred another 5 years emphasized on thinking, they could have been great for perfecting, but apart from all kind of pressures that coincided, I wanted to prove, I wanted to start; time and good consciousness can help toward that too I guess. Maybe my tendency to be perfectionist, something that can be fantastically time costly, started me ahead of time too, and starting earlier would help me better see my potential too.

I started classifying all this paper by subjects; this sole job was almost too hard a task and about half of it ended up in garbage, the rest got somewhat classified and transformed in the whole I had known could exist. There are parts I wrote as a direct translation of stuff written at 20, whole pages I couldn't even believe I had written so long ago. It means there will be some pieces of my developing self in my writings, they are well implanted and you won't notice they were written by an ado (you can be ado at 50 you know...).

About one year later I had rewritten it all over so it made more sense, but it was not pretty and it was depressing on the verge of psychosis, very far from a potential book. I almost abandoned. At 32 I wrote it all over more carefully, doubling the amount of text with details, explanations and new knowledge. It took me more than a year and the result was a monstrous pile of cheap paper written at the "Bic". But it was readable as a book, even if there were many pieces not belonging at the right place and missing a lot of important parts like the end. It was still psychotic at places and contained too much hateful frustration too; writing about one's life and about life in another language doesn't help, as is writing serious, already "limit" subjects at it. Then there are personal things, past childhood, strong emotions in a lone man without much of an education, a social assisted that never had a life and don't much know what he's writing about; constructing from scratch a different philosophy and spirituality, a reality, from that is something. So you got baby, ado, adult, and old man all living through my writings, and it may make the book inadequate for precisely structured minds gotten out of a CD player (no, no, not a box of corn flakes, maybe magazines, school and television), and passive people too, particularly "adults" who want a comfortable and protected, undisturbed in their order of things, ride in "fat" to their tomb...

For others what I'll write will mostly be a pile of funky theories on anything; entertaining to read, but good to ignore. Or worse, they'll say it is confusing while they didn't read half of it, but did I mention you can't explain the universe in all its interrelations and complexities within a pamphlet? Or answer all questions from a million people the instant they think about them? And sometimes you need the equivalent of a book just to put a subject in context. That's one reason I'll never start a discussion on a limited internet forum; you don't need much space to say scripted opinions in a debate fitting the flow of the system, but someone going against the flow will need pages to explain his opinions in enough details to skip constant attacks. In fact, I'd say those places where writing space is limited (it can be from the attitude of posters who will complain about walls of text...) is good for limited minds or superficial people or those who repeat classic manipulations formulas; you won't meet the most capable minds there for sure. The more limited by logical conflict or the less complete (not complex) your mind is, the less it can cope with the complexities of the universe, and that's in part why there are so many religions and sects; so people serve the system without too much questioning, all answers, even in a debate, are already provided by this institution (pyramid) or that which are all part of the economic system; they all have a rich gang or guru. To grow a less limited or more complete mind (not complex) from truths and possibilities is a suicidal quest in this reality, still worse is the quest to stand up to your conclusions; it will probably remove all life enjoyment from you in this reality. For those who understand what I mean, then they may discover that my work is an example (that's in part why I say my work is so valuable), of someone who did both things; not a job for the weak for sure.

As for my view of the mind, when I say a less limited mind, it means there is less conflicts and complexity related to logical extrapolations in that mind (nothing to do with art complexities). Complexity in a mind can be either good or bad depending on what processes are affected. Limitations in a mind can be created by unsettled logical conflicts limiting logical extrapolations, or creating twisted avenues to circumvent the problem thus making the mind more complex in a bad way, or less complete for those who don't want to spent mind energy to go beyond superficial thinking. Now, I know those who see themselves as evolved and modern because they think any new sexual activity is a sign of evolution will immediately manipulate my meaning to see themselves as geniuses, but it all depends on your view of human evolution; if life made of true love the best path of human reproduction and evolution for us, then conflicting this view will limit your mind since your mind only ease reality with reproduction if the subject don't conflict with the logic of the universe through life. You can invent justifications to defend your view of human relationships and circumvent the logical life "view", but that will create bad complexity.

So the current view pushed by media people of sexuality as a fuck-all free for all thing is in fact a mental rejection a bit like atheism, and since the momentum is impossible to revert (humanity is morphing that as a new truth about itself), then a new reality should be considered a realist solution, since I prefer to select as a growing new reality instead of doing it by using violence. I'm not against pornography, but I'm against the direction it has condemned humanity to in the name of free speech or liberty, and it concern an unconscious (it comes with the ego reality, only law can control it) agenda pushed by all the institutions helping or serving rich people, which makes me think that they're all a bunch of mass fuckers pedophiles, all the rich, all of them, and too bad for the ones who are proven saints (politicians), the same for those with a diplomatic immunity paper proving they're "gods" (politicians), whatever, anybody making beyond 250,000$ (clear total) a year in this reality is dragging evil by default to me, and while I won't run after you, I surely won't drop a tear if you die by accident or by collateral, or in the name of saving me the time to think of a way to let you live...

But rich media manipulators can always find the means to defend their views to the point of indoctrinating the whole humanity that have been made to believe anything said by experts... Anyway, I'll explain a lot more on this view of the mind in the "The Seat Of My Mind" chapter (book). As for love and sex, I talk about this subject in the very long and frustrating "Love Entanglement" chapter (book). For now, it may be possible that you get headaches related to reading me, and it probably mean you are a good reader; you're thinking about what you are reading, in a sense your mind is "training new muscles" or removing inefficient complexities, or finding better truths, or battling views. But headaches are like muscles; you don't always get the pain immediately...Or maybe you shouldn't take too much of my style in one shot, unless both our brains are unto something nasty...Then there is the fact that you can pass important philosophy without thinking about it, just because reading in "very bad English" can be fun or quick! I would say to take a break emotional proportional; when you've had a few emotions, whatever they can be, just drop the book a little, you'll better enjoy it all and find your soul and mind better rewarded too. I personally for one know that I can't read much past 15 pages every 6 hours of my own writing without losing attention...Another aftereffect of reading me with attention is that you may make strong or weird or ugly or violent or crazy dreams; embrace and enjoy them because they really mean something good is going on in your mind but I wouldn't consciously give them importance or meaning. For the headaches, they may be influenced by your ability with English too, if you are learning some of it along the way...all in all, weird brain things and heavy rewiring will most likely start to happen at the second book and after, (Starting at "The Seat Of My Mind" chapter for those who got the version as a single book) this first part is mostly an expression of my revolt against the current reality of things on earth related to my personal life, after that I'll start decorticating and readjusting everything in a philosophical and spiritual battle against evil, until I end-up remaking reality from scratch at the "Life Reality" chapter (book).

To go back to how I wrote this book (s), at my second paper rewrite I was satisfied with the base I had done, even if I knew it was still going to end in a fire. At 33 I started all over again, this time by typing the first computer version; everything got mixed all over while the basic structure of the book with chapters took place. I almost abandoned a few times before finishing, my writing was bad, wanted to meet a woman, have some money, a better apartment, a car, good food, but always I was back to it from the integrity and strength of my initial judgment.

At some point I thought I was filling the criteria for suffering from a dual personality malady, only to come to the conclusion there is hardly such a thing, that it is mainly a psy extrapolation to get mixed-up brains back on the track of the brainwashed job seeker and pseudo happiness. But there are always exceptions; clownesque thing you see in movies or maybe in a hospice, but I say dual personality is either played, or at best an escape or break of the mind toward the reality. So yes, in this reality full of competition and conflicts, almost everybody who think a bit profoundly start developing another conflicting personality which will rarely express itself, maybe a bit through frustrations and while destroying good principles, love too, yes that. People develop the talent to canalize or separate things where they want, you choose or create your personality, you can choose to go nuts doing it too, and what do you think humorist do? They imitate a personality; they could go to the extent of becoming almost a clone all life long and be happy with it. But this talent is proportional to mind capacities, no humorist can imitate my work, but it is easier to imitate a moron... Now, there is always a price to pay for twisting or conflicting anything that is not supposed to; if the reality is so wrong people need to develop their brains escaping it, then it is a tremendous limitation. I can easily say that around 50% of the mind ability of most people is spent adapting to reality's limitations, in a sense they are forced to develop a "fake" of themselves, and true love can't thrive in such an environment, yes, that... But for me, things are different, I'm the inversed exception; I was never able to adapt to this reality, I always hated it and I made a "fake" of myself to endure it while I found my true self...But that's still very limited as a theory to describe the complexity of my personality, I prefer to say that I have a large personality spectrum, I can go from one extreme to the other, nothing double there...

From 25 to this day, I've alienated myself this whole reality. This book is my second big project and I have chosen another hardly possible one, this time made of nothingness and loneliness. But I don't talk about it, as I'm not supposed to prove myself forever, and I definitively do not need discouragement; it is easy to abandon such crazy, long (and sometimes ridiculous) projects, particularly in my situation... Anyway, I don't want to pass my time explaining or justifying my way of life or decisions. What can I say anyway? I'll profit from your best system to survive while I pass 10 years writing a book to spit on it? Oh, and don't ask more questions since you wouldn't understand and I'm tired of defending my head? Yet, I'm doing just that, and a part of my dislike comes from the fact that I got completely disgusted of all the direct and indirect, conscious and unconscious stupidities, insults, suggestions, insinuations and bullshit I heard with time, on me and others, and being poor doesn't help. What's more, people like to associate long hairs to all kind of twisted preconceptions, Jesus, feminity, drug, dirtiness, singers, I heard such things quite a few time, fearful people in passing cars are particularly fond of shouting insults like that. Then there are the groupies who are so blind or stupid they can't recognize their idol, even after they've been successful at getting sex from them and it's still worse when the singer sings crap... Nobody looks like me, popularity is too much of a priority, and singers want it more than politicians; they're among the most ego people of the planet too, good manipulators... I'm not popular, but I'm cute, and yes I'm insulted when I'm compared to someone else, I'm proud to be me, and popular people don't impress me at all, quite the contrary. And then one has to wonder what's the problem with people, can't I just be me? Are people so insignificant they transpose their ego lacks on publicized stereotypes? Then they inflate them so big with hype and drug they see them everywhere in potential? One thing's for sure, I would never stop a woman in the street in open mouthed admiration to say "are you Feline?", particularly Feline herself I guess...

I know these are minor things not to worry about, but an accumulation of little things becomes a big weight, and in some people it can become a tremendous weight you continually look askance at. Popularity is not "bad", but this reality is sick with it from hype. And why should I tolerate everything thrown at me? And why should I know the name and face of all those inflated ego singers by hearth like the most important thing of my life? Who took the liberty to force me to this publicity? And I'm me, not someone else, I'm not a superior or inferior me, I'm me, and I don't like to be compared to manipulated images, someday I'm going to kill someone so much I'm under pressure to be what I'm not, and this image mania is very costly to life, whatever the popularity, in fact probably proportionally negative to the amount of hype needed for popularity. But that's just me that hates this reality and likes to imagine a better one can exist, and maybe it's because I never found a good example I wanted to follow. One thing's for sure, I don't like to be compared with admiration to people I don't like the attitude of; admiration doesn't work with me unless I know I'm worth it in my philosophy-spirituality...

One of the fundamental pillar of selection in this reality is manipulation ability, most of humanity's intelligence is worse than wasted manipulating others, and with TV hype as a catalyst, you can bet manipulators are among the most popular and rich people; that's what people encourage as the best of humanity, they get 99% of the "love" and money! But it's not the time for me to describe why I don't have a very good opinion of that, even if popularity is not necessarily a "bad" thing. So you "love" your reality so you "love" its hyped people, and in this reality it is mainly associated to money; the more money, the more you can manipulate or create hype or be popular, and the more people will "love" you and know your name. If you want the cameras running for you, sing sex or love, reap in the money, and then you'll be still more popular and still get more money and still get more popular until you're Donald Trump or Feline Dion top popular. I may be exaggerating a little the extent, everybody is limited in some way, yet, if I had lots of money I could pay someone to help me with my "very bad English" and I could pay for loads of pub...

I can have fun and I even like having lots of it, but I quickly grew tired of socialization and people, even disgusted, and since I know how easy it is to become victims of the throngs of ego vampires, then instead of tolerating, cumulating or displacing frustration and imagining vengeance etc, I fought on another ground and started eliminating, for all kind of reasons, all my "friends" from my life, even if that's the exact contrary attitude a psy would recommend for a healthy therapy...

Even if you'll find many instances to doubt it, I'm an adult, and I'm tired of all these child games, I can have pleasure, I can have fun, but for me it's depressing to live in such a reality where everything mean anything and there's no way to explore serious concepts without having a psy to question my sanity, or a clown to laugh about it or divert attention, or a who cares type of attitude to close the subject. I just close my mouth or get away when there's one of these around or even on television; they need attention like babies and respect nothing. Socialization doesn't necessarily mean fun or party to me, so scram! I won't be tagged as a party breaker and I have other goals and priorities in life than profiting or having fun. Besides, I'm an adult and I'd be ashamed to be that much limited or ego, I don't exist to have a job and fun, I don't exist to manipulate or exploit people, I don't exist to profit from innocence and I don't exist to run at money for sure too. Whatever the amount of money involved, possessing money is far from making adult people. For me, today's civilization attitude is incredibly childish and its values are twisted beyond recuperation, and I refused to be part of this wanted atrophy of certain mental abilities. One thing's for sure, I surely wouldn't start living in consciousness as a traitor to myself by encouraging it and its ways; I'll prefer finding fatal justifications, each worth a fight to the death!

So I stopped talking about some subjects I was developing, even if those were not frustration related. I got tired of hearing remarks about the fact I am not seeking a job too, making money, getting the economy to grind the earth, or that I am flying without drugs because I like to put imagination and romance in thing, or that I am a pessimist or moralist like a category of people who destroy fun and that you must not listen to because they make your fragile mind go depressive. As a matter of fact, I interdict my writings to anybody who used such tags lately; you're sure to hate it and I wrote a whole chapter for the like of you, defenders of lobotomy to whom we can't tell an opinion without being stamped a mental warfare tag, you are the exact reason why some people are pessimist, your attitude creates pessimism... The same for "wild speculation" I know manipulators like to ridicule the possibilities they don't like by tagging them as such, but to me "speculation" has become so negative and limiting in sight that it can't be part of the vocabulary of someone that sees things as a matter of exploring possibilities. And so don't bother reading my work if you like to use the word speculation negatively, not that it is a bad word in itself, but you know how manipulators like to twist things, and this one has become sufficiently twisted it is worthless to me, so I won't use it. I'm exploring possibilities, which, as a meaning can't be twisted to serve manipulators, so that's what I do and you'll shut-up with the wild speculation stuff. The same for those who will want to invalidate my arguments by accusing me of using "hypotheticals" when I'll say "we may" "who knows" "maybe" and things like that, like it's bad; what the heck is that? Can I say something? I don't give a shit about "hypotheticals", in fact, such "hypoteticals" prove I let the door open to other ideas, that I don't talk as a matter of final truth but as a matter of possibilities, my mind is not closed like yours, it is open, so I "may" be right or wrong, "who knows". If you need to find thousand bucks words to ridicule my work, then find yourself something else to read; if you are against what I say then find arguments, don't accuse me of doing "pontification" like it's a proof that I'm wrong or bad, such a word doesn't concern me, and it only proves you're a moron for using it; find arguments or shut-up. I'll argument anything I say, I'll justify everything, whatever I'm not always right, or I sometimes generalize, or use an inadequate style because I'm an example of what I say. Anyway, pontification is related to dogma, and I see no dogma anywhere in my writings, only possibilities and opinions and beliefs. Maybe you should solely use this word in its right context instead of twisting it for manipulation, use it on the pope, he's the one spreading a dogma, he's the one that is not constructive, just listen to his speeches, and tell me what arguments does the guy bring, where are his explanations, his justifications, there is nothing, only vain moralization, accusations, complaints and wishes, he'll even say to be more spiritual, or more constructive, or more imaginative, or less ego, but he's not even doing any of this, he's not an example of what he preaches while I'll be an example of what I preach (most of the time) and that's how you should see pontification; as moralizing and complaining and dictating and accusing and wishing and whining without constructive content, arguments, justifications and explanations (saying or suggesting it is "because it's not nice" doesn't explain or justify anything), all of which I'll do at such a scale that I'll end-up inventing another reality. Is that constructive and creative enough for you? And yes I'll sometime be moralist or accuse people no choice about it if you want to change the world, but it will always be explained with arguments and justifications. And I repeat that English is not my language and I'm talking difficult subjects, all that makes it so that I may sometime talk "high ass" or insignificant; ignore it, it is not how I am, I know "high consciousness life" sounds shitty, the same for "exploring possibilities" but there is no misunderstanding there, and it is one of my main goals, so unless you come up with a replacement that people will understand as well, then try to ignore the "intellectual" effect, which is exacerbated by the "new" effect of a lot of what I'll talk about, and my tendency to explain to be well understood; I prefer to sound bizarre than to use twisted words as alternatives to sound cool (it doesn't mean it will never happen), and I want a maximum of people to understand me.

I started flushing anybody who couldn't skip the direct or indirect insults about any facets of my life. I think it was not much of a problem, or I could tolerate it to some extent, but it was not the case with girls around. I take love seriously and I like to take the form of my ideal with girls, but guys just completely destroy the whole thing with hypocrite insults and bad jokes like their goal is to down me in front of them like I'm a competition, and sorry, but I'll never compete or fight for women, it's opposed to my whole philosophy and view of love. But yes, it's easy for someone like me to look foolish with my candor, so it's easy to judge my negatively. I still attract most women to me like magic, and that's in part why socialization was such a difficulty; men didn't want to exchange with me fairly, they exchanged like I was in a competition of something, or I had to pass their tests, and often their twisted insinuations and psy sickness tags disgusted me to vengeance dreams. With time, I slowly judged more and more negatively socialization and the same with my "friends" for their closed mind they believed open because they talked about the same thing as everybody else; taboo subjects like sex, money, drugs, their job, cars etc. And my opinion got no better about the women around them too, for loving them. But who am I? It's their reality, I just have to adapt!

I understood they were manipulated and the problem, as always, was me; I was in the wrong place with the wrong people, planet wide! I knew long ago I had a socialization problem, and it would lead me on a quest to find my place or where I belonged, never finding it. I studied every kind of people to find nothing, no place for me, no future possibility. But yes, it's my fault, among many other factors. What is evident is that I have a problem I believe I'm sufficiently intelligent to find. I never found. I am crazy. How am I is impossible!

I know there's a kind of scientific quirk that says intelligence is proportional to social ability, but that absolutely doesn't work for me, I become less intelligent when socializing, yes, in fact, today I totally associate my intelligence directly to the fact that I'm able to live alone, exactly the contrary of the belief pushed by media people and psy; intelligence increase disproportional to no social. But that may as well be because society has minimal influence on me; if I let it brainwash me to its needs and vision of things, then I may as well become totally moronic if you turn my brain the other way around, or cut my social dependences, or the need to feel associated in feeling, (ahem, mostly bullshit feelings I should say...). But under my needs, my true own needs of this life that flows through my veins, I definitively know that you need attention or love or appreciation to have the best effects of feelings, things I don't have (or find, I'm not sure) in this reality because, well, insinuous evil, or more fatally, it's just the way it should be for someone like me in hell, and the only solution I see is to spread who I am so that I increase the chance of someone like me in the future to have more adequate options, like not making system babies, but that's a far away after effect... For now I must prevent the ego innocents from destroying the world with their bullshit competition! (Someday we'll have to make a big bullshit war, a war nobody can win, and when ruins covers the whole place maybe people will shut the fuck up and listen, developing true lasting feeling and true respect abilities and wisdom.)

Today, I'm almost bizarre, searched too far, went too high and too deep, I did all I could, but I only accelerated the wheel of consciousness. I could have dropped my hold on it but I decided to push it with force instead. I pushed it all these years and it carried me away... only to bring me back with unstoppable power, and now, together, we are drawing the track of life's place upon this earth. But for that I must undertake the craziest and most fantastic project in the history of humanity; give birth to another reality. Just understand all that is too much for a single person; being the creator, the messenger and the seller got to affect someone... Creating the philosophy and basis for another reality is heavy and being the strongest is not enough, you have to be crazy to double your strength and that's not enough, you have to move the weight in the right direction so you need powerful control, try to control craziness! And then succeeding makes your basic life quite boring... but patience develops all its meaning! I will fight for another reality it in this book and it will not take the form anybody thinks because, when you are the imaginer you become its incarnation. The invention of a new reality and the why and the how can make someone go overboard, you wouldn't try it! When I'm done, I'll judge the reactions to it and act accordingly, but for now I'll fight with all I have and things may get ugly. As it is, there is no place for me in this reality, and I'm starting to flush friends...

Their favorite activity, beside inflating their ego, was to watch television or chat on the internet and I already had eliminated these devices from my life for many reasons, one of them being my growing revolt; excellent tools and devices, I like technology, I have diplomas to prove it, but they currently deliver the blunt of the strength of all manipulation from ego reality in the world, they are made to serve evil better than good so fuck it, perverted technology, but still good in another reality. Anyway, I could not make much of a connection to reality with so much exaggeration, hype, dramatization, and the disproportionate number of happy full teeth smiling, full throat laughing, jumping and applauding happy people; it looked like a forced anti depressive, or a circus where only one type of attitude is accepted; don't do or say this or that on your media network or you'll be tagged negatively or even be rejected; it is a continuation of the same pressure selection while everybody sings freedom... definitively not a place for someone like me, my mind would probably short-out from the overload of insults and carcasm going through it, or I'd end-up making a heart attack emotionally imagining all the blood...Oh, but insults or violence is bad and it proves you are evil or have a problem in the head in this reality; no sane politician "dreaming" of making a better world, as always, would use such means since the selection would never vote for him... Just another way to forever keep things as they are...Ah, and don't read my work, it contains violence, it could change your mind and transform you in a violent, or a revolted protester, and I would be proud of you! (You can bet I'll never get published or publicized, to hell with my liberties of expression...)

But I'm exaggerating no? And I could say that's in part why (distributing propaganda) television and internet exist, but inconsistencies clash in my head; they are full of experts telling us what to do, how to be, what is "in", what is truth too, experts of manipulation for most. They make money by forcing publicity or creating temporary trends, which, at the same time, permits them, by sweeping in front of them, to profit from the direction the general trends are taking. It applies to creating trends in languages too, manipulating all important words and principles for profit, twisting their use toward more evil than good by having the means and liberty to use them on masses the way they want as long as they talk pretty. And don't you ever dream of dropping such manipulators spreading bullshit to masses in a volcano, you'd have to start with the exemplary politicians who are a representation of the people... And that would be hard on the good democracy-capitalism business where everything is based on the assumption that you vote for someone representing the greatest mass while the truth is exactly the contrary; you vote for an eternal kind of attitude and belief that fit the system, like a pope, and they make humanity to their ideal by manipulating masses. At the worst, you could say manipulating masses is a property of leadership, I'd tolerate such manipulators, the problem is that in the name of liberty there are no limits to the bullshit they can stuff masses with, just politeness... only public protest expressed as votes going to no better manipulator (and it's just a fraction of them), twisting every good principles ever made to serve their ends, the TV is full of a never ending procession of experts manipulators contorting everything and they are among the most criminal of this earth! Many singers are good at that too.... I say such people should be removed from public dealings as soon as they spread bullshit, and I'm very forgiving, but they'll cry you're the evil one for limiting their liberties, and would they even know if they're spreading bullshit? For most yes!...I want the liberty to fight them, only by doing so can good succeed since evil is only limited by laws which are malleable proportional to means while good is limited by all kind of principles, so yes, turn-off the police for them! But there is always another reality where the system could be sufficiently competent not to let evil overwhelm the place or take all the means....

I write this book in part to prevent the invincibility of such gangs who decide my liberties and the form of the mass by having control of a devices people should be dependent from, what I call "pressure selection", and remember this phrase; to try to prevent ego systematization of the earth to become final; we let ego people eat almost half the cake, now a different kind of systematization must deal with the rest. And yes this reality did some good out of it, no choice, but tanks anyway. I could say it took risks, and we had to experience some level of an ego-gods ideology, and a reality is still made of people, but we will have to change attitude from now on; competition for unfairness won't eat it all, you'll let people with a different attitude use some to have what it takes to try something different. I know it may lead to big troubles, since it seems there is no other way to deal with people who control unfair means, but I have faith because I know the true human spirit, it shows everywhere in a fantastic diversity of wonderful creations, by its will to seek better understanding, by its appreciation of beauty, by its will to surpass itself, by its tentative at fighting evil etc. And no need for competition, it does all that and far more by itself. What demolishes everything are people who manipulate to profit from it. That's in part why I believe my work is worth my time; many people who are not superficial will go beyond the personal to understand my message and they are potential to me. I'd say around 50% of humanity can develop potential toward my view, the rest are worse than dead, more like zombies, and my only concern about them is in the how I could dispose of them the quickest way possible, as soon as possible, in minimal sufferings while giving back life some of the energy it invested for their failed and problematic existence...

As for ego people systemizing things for the like of themselves, I could say it's somewhat of a natural process; you spent your energy running to the cake, I spent it thinking while going there. We can still be friends even if for now I'm angry you eaten half of it, and seeing the result of your gluttony, many lessons will be hard to forget... If you don't want to change attitude, then it will be war, and since you already had many shouting coming at you to stop it, I'll have to be incredibly hard right away. But I won't remember it the day of my wedding, old times, maybe necessary too, we'll laugh about it, we will be living in a galaxy of cakes that day, you will have all the luxury you want, so much you'll see it as worthless.

For now I hate you, you're eating everything, and I must convince you that if we don't use the rest in its best fashion we'll both die from your gluttony. If you're too dumb to understand and associate, then I'm ready to die fighting over the cake; it will be you or me, even if we both could die since accident happens. I want to prevent that, but for now I've got an appropriate to size bag of insults, explanations and justification to do since I have the impossible mission to get this world to understand that another way of things is necessary. As for being the first, it can be good to be, no doubt about it, but it is not a justification to be unfair. And I understand we started from not much intelligence, some were more instinctive in a sense, but they neglected many things that will be critical to our success as a specie in the future.

I'll try to give maximal effect by talking about truth like nobody ever did since all the philosophy I hear about truth is again to justify the wrongs of manipulators. Most people sing truth like it is a buzzword meaning you're good if you can pronounce it while they mostly contort or twist it to gain something. That doesn't work with me because I have a very profound and precise vision of truth, an unheard of one since I haven't met a single line in my whole life where I felt someone really understood truth. I'll explain a few points about it here and there as you read, but I'll have to write a whole chapter to explain how the mind is a device of truth. Now, I'm not truth insane, I can understand some lies in their context, but for one thing truth sure is the ultimate tool to form good judgment, know what I mean? If you want people to develop a better consciousness you need them to have a better judgment about things and for this you need more truth, unless you prefer them to sufficiently lack judgment to become members of a sect or religion full of lies... For now, the logical path of lying would be to say that a lie to one person is insignificant, like it weight 1 point of evil, but a lie spread to masses can weight many tons, so who are the biggest liars? This is one of the simplest facet of truth but one of the most important, to all those people who never thought about it that way (like nobody in human history could have understood what is the evil of lying); Took one big brain, I guess they skip teaching these insignificances at school...One thing's for sure, truth is far more valuable than ever spread by religious manipulators, since the bible contains tons of lies, in my opinion. Christianity is probably the biggest institutionalized (governmentally encouraged) pile of PMBBD ever created, and it caused among the greatest evil of this world for it (along with the style of people who made and needed it), but don't worry, other religions and some sects are gaining speed in the competition...But they are still just some tools of pacification among many to create the selection to make...well, hell. Why do you think you got 3-4 manipulative movies every year to glorify and "adjust" the history of Christianity? Because movie studios are used as tools to manipulate, like Christianity, and there is no better recipient than entertainment to prevent problems to the system, so I guess religious entertainment with gods is a logical... That's probably why the antichrist big evil was invented too, and why do you think they made that movie about a guy surviving ww3 with the only bible left to manipulate people back to the same track (religious indoctrination) that led to ww3 in the first place? To prevent, to put the blame on something else, to last beyond war, to be the last thing people will read and believe in while they die in the reality that arose from it, and who is the main responsible in truth? And you see how completely off the map they are when in the movie the man with the bible says things were good before the war, like it was paradise on earth, no systemized unfairness, people were rich and happy, like the atomic war was the result of people complaining, but who controls the bombs? Who will want to teach a lesson to inferior people if they revolt? Why would the ones who invested their life to become rich want to try something else if they can live their whole life in luxury? And who will become that rich? The most altruistic people or the most ego ones? Anyway, I'll stop it at that, I'll just add that all the people involved in making that movie should be incarcerated for life, and I'm very forgiving. People who strive to do good try to minimize lies, evil people don't care, they lie and manipulate with the wind for self-interests, even if they say it is to preserve others; the truth is that they want to preserve others for self-interests... (what we don't know don't hurt us so lying can be a good action depending on what anybody sees as pain, which can be anything...Me too I could preserve the fragile minded or susceptible lot, stuffing them with lick ass intellectual bullshit to get their money and "love" while keeping them as they are, lie all along to myself and others and twist the truth of everything to end-up defending this reality, but then I wouldn't write...)

I saw television as invaded by too much ego competition, and one's level of truth consciousness development dictates the good gotten out of it versus the bad so what revolted me the most is the unconscious effect on young baby minds developing. I saw it as a machine to grow people as defenders of any attitudes shown on television; like if tons of people watch it, then it logically can't be bad. The internet too is embarked in this philosophy, but I won't talk about the unconscious formation just yet, that will come in "The Seat Of My Mind" Chapter (book), and you can bet I don't see the mind like current science sees it, as a warning to those limited minds who think current science is a synonym of truth... Now, I understand the need for entertainment totally, all kind, more, but in this reality people are made to need entertainment in the name of producing extraordinary unfair people, and brainwashing gives different results than naturally appreciating, all at the expense of life or resources. But I understand that people are hypnotized by screens, dependent, and you have to be dependent since they are extraordinary things, every facets of civilization is dependent from screens now, a tremendous lot can be provided through them.

Anyway I will never fight technology or objects, only people and, personally, the only idea I can have of someone or something, to know if I'd want him or it around, is by trying to judge the good versus the bad in truth; that's very vague but that's how I am, a rarity, and I judge current television as not good enough for me or anybody, in big part because of enforced pub campaigns, in big part because it is full of ego people or gang controlling all facets of it and having the liberty of manipulating people, and in big part because it is a bullshit distribution machine; there is just too much of it. But I can do nothing about it since all those people distributing falsehood (hype can be part of this) to masses on television are now rich, popular or powerful people, and they have the liberty to use communication devices to spread their views and language contortions to masses of babies; media people are deciding humanity by words contortions, manipulation, hype, pressure, propaganda, bullshit, disinformation, want more? It's a wheel where the more you get the more you accept, the more you and your children become, and the less there are people with a different attitude like me, that's a facet of what I call pressure selection, but it is not worth crying over since it is done, too late.

Now that nobody cared it is too late, the wheel got too much momentum, but if they have the right to decide my liberties with such hypocrite self-reinforcement and condemning manipulations, then I have that right too; I will decide what humanity will be too, I will decide its future, I will give a harder life to people I don't like the attitude of and give the best to people I like. Now, I won't be very good at twisting every valuable word or principles toward the attitudes I like since I'm a good person, and I aint got a million indoctrinated brains manipulating language toward my view; only one not writing in its own language, so I may not be a good English words twister.

So I felt too manipulated through special effects, slow motion and paroles on good music, enough so I started creating a displacement problem where most television people were becoming evil from my unwillingness to absorb, accept, tolerate and adapt to it or with it, and it was particularly true for pub. And I know I just had to change channel, but I never had the money for the cable so my choices were limited to local stuff. Anyway, it changes nothing to my basic view, and imposed pub is imposed pub, it jump at your face full blast, particularly if there is a popular comedian in there, a politician would be better, captivating, for the rest a sex woman singing "I like it hard" will do the job. Apart from that, the same general ego competition is spread all over, with some exceptions evidently. Today it has become a manipulation device distributing thousands of different pressures in the unconscious at running, no brake, full speed ahead rate, in an environment that doesn't really care. I got tired of the pressure to buy cars, alcohol, shampoo and chocolate. What's worse, the prettiest and sexiest of women all seemed to be ready to involve themselves with any pub, I hated that, and again, I felt manipulated; someday women will be sufficiently emancipated to get nude and have sex in any pub for a bit of money, without an effect on people, except a hype instilled one... I was developing a bad opinion of women too, like they had become pets with a function to learn something, and another one as an algorithm of beauty and sex facets, something like that, human pets seeking to have sex in public as their definition of good and emancipation, the dream of ego gods, until they are old enough for a powertrip...then I developed an ant theory. They were not positive thoughts, so in the end I preferred seeing a lot of them as the logical result of an ego reality overwhelmed with high level manipulators, innocents doing their best to destroy love instead of prostitutes (escorts) using their body, prettiness, sensuality and sexuality to manipulate or make money.

And I'm not talking about the past when women were in a position of inferiority and dependence versus men or the system; I'm talking today, people are adults at 16 we sing everywhere, then women decide, yes decide, to be prostitutes (escorts) at that age if it was their dream life, unless you tell me they don't actually decide, that someone else manipulates or pressure them, removing their most fundamental liberty, but with the quantity of prostitutes (escorts) everywhere these days, that would amount to quite a big mountain of evil people, and removing them would be bad for the economy, an economy that pressure women to become prostitutes (escorts) simply by the difficulties it forces many to live in, and that's mainly the responsibility of those who take too much money for themselves in the systemized unfair economy, and you can bet they are the ones reinvesting big money to get the prettiest girls to fuck with them, so the pile of evil can only get bigger when you think about it...(exhausting and depressing to think about and write) Now, since everything is a game of manipulation and competition, whatever prostitutes (escorts) today are wanted, needed and encouraged to be, it's a job like any other and they are giving the "finish-off" to true love by competing their bodies for money willfully at all sauces, their body have become a job thing to get the economy turning to the point that the internet is overloaded to explode with emancipated women craving to have sex in front of millions, and they don't look like they are forced at all...

And I like seeing sexy women, and I happens to watch pornography, what I don't like is the systematization, the culture and transformation of society with pressure, manipulation and money, you understand? And it's not parsimony that's bad, you can do these pubs with twisted sexual associations, "look at my pretty ass, if it's pretty it's because I drink beer!", you can even have orgasms on a bottle of beer to sell it if you want, it's the emphasis, imposition and repetitions that I see as negative in many facets, in many people, but today it's at a point that kids and babies are in it...

Then psychoanalisysts will say it's testosterone that make young men crazy, yes testosterone flow for stupidity with stupid women seemingly craving for sex while trying to sell anything with their beauty and sexuality... Or worse, "some" will say it is proven there were more rapists and pedophiles when there was less pornography to defend their twisted view of sexuality and love while I'm sure there are as many if not more of them today with the Viagra hardcore porn revolution going. And it's totally sane sexuality, totally normal, it's love, the women are happy, emancipated! I say this revolution is giving the power to the most disrespectful men and women, the most insane and the most evil. And I believe that not only there are no less rapists and pedophile, I believe there are more because they have better protection to do their crap with the internet, there are far more victims of all sorts too, from children to sex slavery, and I'm not talking about the vast pile of minds that have been broken with manipulation and drugs to serve those insane "people", and they are giving the example to the point that it is too late to readjust things, anyway, this reality is now economically dependent from it, it needs it, defends it. Personally, I have nothing against sane hardcore pornography if it is well categorized, but I'd gladly round-up the present batch of self-justified emancipated, good and proud "actors" and throw them in the fire, the same for the deeply embarked selection thinking themselves modern since it is too late for them, they are indoctrinated, they are dependent, they'll defend it to the death in the name of liberty. Who need more than well categorized sane hardcore pornography? Good people surely, when they'll be embarked...

I'll always spit on the generalized attitude of women accepting to associate their ass to anything, and don't come at me calling this "women's emancipation"; it is exactly the contrary; it is their devaluation, their marketization, and the end of love at the hands of ego people. Fuck all free for all is the encouraged path, bald scientists say it's good, and innocent pretty women everywhere are happily getting fucked over and out at the platoon by the worst men giving the example to the youth, and nobody do something about it while there should be butchering bloodbaths everywhere, WTF are good people doing? (Getting used to it...). And sorry for you if the problem comes from the reality you live in; everybody do its part, and emancipation is not supposed to mean more sex or superiority. As for me, since the selection got a nice accumulation of arguments developed by the like of themselves to choose from to defend their view of sanity or sexuality, it is evident they'll say I got a small dick or a sexual problem because I don't see sex or love the way they do, or they'll say "sane sex" means missionary position in the dark and monotony... Well, I've got a dick, and I've got balls, how about that? Do you want a vid for posterity? I need to confound the skeptics? And I don't need no Viagra, yet, brain too powerful, dick don't stand a chance, and I shine by my imagination, and my love is proven through time; the same woman can enflame my desire and imagination many years. Women (not system machines) like me very much when they get the chance, but love is my barrier so not many "touched" me (none in the last 20 years, and my sex drive still works extremely well, better than ever in fact...). But my way is not the one that is thriving for sure, too boring for Hollywood, nothing to prove, no revolution to make, and it's not the best way for the economy; fuck all free for all and prostitution is (escorting), thanks to the banalization of sexuality pushed by media people. Women are no better, but I say those men who constantly need to fuck or show off like they need to prove something are insignificants twisted brains, and their effect on others, if just by the pressure selection they are creating, is eliminating all love potential for people like me. But those men are mostly rich people, or in controlling positions, inaccessible, and they are the one making the reality in their image, not me. As for the women, they are no better even if their situation is different, and I don't care about the money they are paid for to enjoy it; what you do in reality is the truth of you... Did I really talk about my dick? Darn, we should protect the youth from my book at all cost! Sex is taboo, just look on the internet! I'll never get published or publicized. But 30 shades of gray will be published in 300 languages, publicized so much everybody in the world will know about it like Jesus, every little girl must have it as a gift when they're born, it is that good, and they'll even make a movie out of it, why? Because, exactly contrary to my book, it encourages the ego-gods ideology perfectly, it is meant to reinforce this reality, continue the monetarisation of sexuality and idolize and idealize the rich so they get the cutest girls all running after them ready for orgasm and make me look like a pedophile if I try to do the same, even if I hardly fucked in my life besides them...As for people, particularly literary agents, they'll censorship my work because they read the word dick, but not 30 shades of gray, so go figure the bullshit brains in them...As I think of it, I think I'll lie and say I want to print and publicize a perverse sex (erotic) book with girls running after the rich, that way I'm guaranteed to get literary agents running to prints, and I'll get tons of pub...

As my opinion developed about television I eventually came to crash the thing whole. It was too full of knowledgeable people who didn't pass, in majority, a serious judgment test from my part; too many experts while the reality didn't seem to reflect any of their aptitudes under any form, whatever or not a lot were competent. In fact I felt the contrary; people are getting dumber with television because of too much PMBBD expertise added to shows with stupid extrapolations, infantilizations, and dramatizations creating disinformation and a pressure selection. That was particularly true for psy expertise that I saw reflected all wrong in people and used against me at every opportunity. Police shows brainwash didn't help and publicity often got me quite dismayed. Add that to news subtle manipulations and I was developing a hate of experts, psy, scientists, all the elite, politicians included for trying too much to manipulate the population from their professional professions. I even tried to calculate the time I saw politician faces in a week compared to others! Anyway, it was becoming a device from hell as I could not watch it without protesting about everything particularly pubs.

I had a serious problem with pub at the time, it contributed a lot to get me started against everybody and this reality. It was a fixation, if I bought a can of food I could pass 5 minutes looking at the image once home; the number of tomato, their position, the lettering, its size and color, the quality of the image, the artistic vision, the feeling, I could eat a whole repast with, as a sole friend, a can of pub! For television I would pass my time insulting everybody in there (not only pub) correcting their stuff and twisted associations and contortion, knowing people watched, mainly followed the trends, then judged others from what they saw and heard. Another thing about pub is that they were twice as loud as the show or film I was watching, an excellent way to degrade hearing, a wheel of continually increasing and lowering the volume always ending too loud; in 50 years they never lowered the sound of pubs or increased the sound of films, and next they'll say our opinion is important! It is if they can make money out of it, or not lose too much... They push the sound to the max blasting those pubs in our brains like they think the louder it is the more of an effect it will have, or maybe they think the mute will blow-up! Why is that not seen as a crime? They are affecting the mental health and the hearing health of millions!

Another problem I had was music, I hated to be associated a good tune to a bottle of beer or a car or some lipstick, then you get the tune running in your head in a freakin loop, and the product with it! And yes you remember what the pub was about, forever... What's more, I believe there is somewhat of a limit to massively appreciated melodies, and I find it a shame that there are condemned jewels with pubs. They work very hard to make those unforgettable, a minute blast is a mass (in both senses) worth of brainwash. Everything is studied and manipulated, music too, you associate the product to some popular diva you made if you can, then to all kind of special effects and colors and meanings and words and paroles and music and emotions, and then repeat the pub a trillion time until everybody knows what the pub is at the first image. Or a text in which you throw in some of the best words so they get twisted, you associate it to emotions too, laughing and fun is excellent, pity, love, desire, sex and prettiness, colors, flashes, and many more exaggerated emotions, throw in some slow motion and special effects. Now, I didn't say to stop associating music in pub, I'm talking about a big limitation caused by an imposed freedom. Pub is tremendously important, I won't say the contrary, but at its right place and not imposed. Another thing is that even if the pub is not successful in selling the product or idea, you still fucked with my mind! As for condemned melodies, they may be forgotten with time if ignored, but still the effect can lasts the lifetime of a person. Still, I wouldn't want pub without music, so a good compromise is to give independence to the music and stop enforced pub. I would have nothing against any publicity if it was categorized and made available only when selected, but you wouldn't ask that of media people who think it allright like that; someone would shout "freedom!" then the selection would go nuts! As for music, the problem is the reality that doesn't see music as a free thing but as an industry for profits to create "gods" and divas. Music should be free for everybody's use, like math (with an appropriate reward system), then people can make money by using the music the way they want; it doesn't stop groups and pubs with music existing, but it frees the music, making it independent, disassociated.

Pub, newsmen, sportsmen, and experts, it didn't take me long to crash the manipulation brainwash device from high (very) height. Then I dumped more and more repetitive messengers and people with it. A lot of media stuff can be a reflection of the mind of the people behind, and the manipulations they are ready to use to get people to act like themselves, or their ideal, or their job description, or their brainwash which, in part, come itself from other medias; what a powerful manipulation and brainwash wheel! But it is not the television that's wrong, it's what the actors and image makers and publicist make of it, the emphasis, which I judge as wrong. The same for the attitude of the people watching it; for a lot of them having an independent consciousness and acting from it is not their responsibility if it's not in their job description, which is written on the "pyramids", and it permits them to discard responsibilities which are not ego related and then eat televisions; forming their own judgment and defending it is too much of a job, let's put everything on the back of adaptation, tolerance, acceptance etc. I'll finish this by adding that there are many excellent shows, and the same for most movies, and I'm serious. Furthermore, I like pretty and sexy women everywhere, to some extent, just don't try to sell me something, whatever that is, with sex. As for the internet, it is worse than television as an unconscious manipulating device.

Maybe I am intolerant, but why would I always be tolerant? And isn't tolerance a form of acceptance? Is it the greatest or most encouraged skill? My past was loaded with tolerance, I was already over the head in tolerance and the reality was constantly adding to it, I passed a lot of time channeling it everywhere and one of the reasons I wanted to write a book was that I knew I had attained my limit tolerance long ago; I had to take actions to redirect my frustration unless I went totally berserk. And I'm not the kind to redirect my frustration or revolt at the wrong targets or worse; innocence. I keep my frustration to myself until I can find a way to give it back to a source. Furthermore, I won't make a slave of myself out of repetitive tolerance either, and so, for these reasons, I wouldn't put my tolerance emphasis at a job. I decided to banish from my life anybody asking repetitive tolerance out of me if the request is made to defend wrongs or evils, but since the reality already asks too much of it toward such ends, I condemned myself all sides to be a nothing. So venting frustration through the writing of a book by writing it on the sources seemed like a good idea, "express yourself" they say, well, I'll test that. But thinking about writing is one thing, I didn't think it would be such a challenge, and as everything took form, my already bad opinion of this reality further worsened...

I became antisocial for many more reasons, but I like to go in public places, seeing people, seeing places, I feel relax however many people are around me and I have a natural tendency, yes, to smile. You can step on my feet, drop your coffee on me, as long as it is an accident I'll be courteous and smile; a true gentlemen, always been and still is. Intentions make all the difference for me; they change completely my actions and or reactions. But decoding intentions can be very difficult when dealing with ego or unconscious people; good looking intentions can hide unconscious bad intentions even to the good intentioned man... But whatever form bad intentions take I run away from them, even if they are not always the fault of the person expressing them. Transmissible unconscious bad intents, I could say, is a well spread sickness these days, with so much television and communication...bullshit always expresses one form or another of bad intentions, even if a lot of people don't know they're spreading some... Still, I'll get away from them because there is enough of it everywhere to affect my mental, and telling people about their bullshit only frustrates their ego, and an uncontrolled ego seeking blood will go for the weakest most critical spot, the place containing what they're missing, or what they're jealous of; the head. Particularly if the ego brain is uninhibited with alcohol...

I've been through a few fights for telling my opinion to people who asked for it, my face has been "booted" repetitively, my head banged on cement, and my hairs "raw scalped" by 2 gay doormen too. I've sometimes truly feared for my life, and at some point it became so predictable that the last time I just sprawled myself on the ground and let the guys kick me until they left, then I jumped on my feet and walked away, only to spot them coming at me again, unsatisfied of my attitude (I guess they wanted me either unconscious or dead), but I had time to get lost in the darkness. After that I abandoned bars socialization, too hazardous for the health of someone like me who needs to use his brains. I should add that the reason there are weight classes at boxing is that someone is sure to win against an opponent of an inferior weight class, in the past such fights sometimes led to the death of outweighed fighters. Those people, sometimes 2 of them bigger than me, didn't care about destroying my life for a stupid opinion they asked for, and it could not cross their brain that there are people different than themselves to whom you can't teach lessons of your superior knowledge with violence, particularly by destroying their brain or killing them.... But yes, among animals, violence (different than killing) teaches obedience, to an ego, be it Mr. big arm's ego or Mr. President's ego with his armies... I understand there are uses to violence, to do something with failed adults, but I can tell you I'm done with that, I took things the wrong way, I should be a god with protection dictating things while not talking to inferiors, but that's not my style of leadership... I decided to write for people who don't ask for my opinion instead, signing the death of socialization for me right there. There are people like me on whom this "obey my authority!" attitude will never work; my parents learned it too late, the army learned it too late, my socialization circle learned it too late; this whole reality learned it too late.

I am a person obeying logical principles and rules, truths, good and global judgment, and if I can't tell my opinion without risking my health then I prefer to be alone than to close my mouth or play your games. To win me that's what you had to do, explain things with logical arguments, make a society that I can't judge negatively in a majority of its facets, or show me your project for it that I can't qualify as bullshit or an illuminated thing. If not I'll make the fucking project, even if I have to alienate myself the whole humanity, and you won't get the best of it if fighting against all the bullshit becomes the topmost priority in the ladder of my responsibility, for a chance at understanding the rip in mentality between you and me. That's what you had to do to embark me, arrange things so I can't prove you wrong all over the place, worse, prove the contrary or see your reality as so wrong that I'm as well restart from 0 and develop a despise for half humanity as I work my brain out to explain, make of myself a loner out of fear for my opinions, for the use I decided to make of my imagination. That way I would have worked to make the reality better instead of fighting it, or only use my imagination for beautiful creativity if I had mostly met happy souls instead of sick ones (like fake happiness from PMBBD and drugs which reflect a sick mental state). Make it so I can't justify my revolted attitude by making a parody (or is it a poesy?) of this reality and all its systems, prove that you're failing evolution and life, as people like me disappear in your pressure selection, if not, were are they? Silenced in your certitude? Rejected as crazy? Crushed to insignificance or suicide? Then you're a failure altogether, you work against life and your society is a walking dead that nothing will heal. I'll test you by fighting for the soul of life, I'll explain, I'll justify, I'll fight evil, I'll defend good, and I'll design the basis of a reality where the logic and evidence would not revolt me as a young adult...

For now I'm not supposed to develop as a chameleon adapting to any socialization; if I'm not well or pleased with my socialization options, then I'm out, or I'll try to find a way where I can appreciate it, and you can tag me with psy adaptation tags all you want, like I'm a sociopath, it will only disgust me still more. The same for love; if I'm not satisfied with my probabilities of living it fully, then it will most likely reinforce my loneliness, and too bad if my kind disappear in a dream. And you can say I'm acting like a children all you want as a shut-up argument, that I'm young or innocent or stupid, but maybe you should open your eyes to your reality and stop watching your screen; there are as many young people with all kind of funky ideals as there are of what you call adults. Maybe a lot of people, if given another interesting choice that already existed within fairness laws, wouldn't choose to live in your best system; it is not because you adapted or like it or joke about it that everybody on earth have to, just take as an example all the different civilizations through history that adapted to ways you'd consider barbaric. Who decides anyway? But believers in this system don't see things that way, they're superior and want everybody to their 2000 years old decomposed by manipulation image they think fresh new because they follow trends and got a gadget.

As for violence, I did provoke some people a few times, but just to test. I did get angry a few times too, but even when I've been explosively angry I always felt I was under control. In fact, I had consciousness that my angry state was meant to gain a result, which may include scaring someone, while having consciousness of my arms and hands to the point of not closing my fists, yes, angry on the defensive I'd call it, and proud of it, staying under control even if I was shaking from adrenaline. So yes I can show very strong emotions, along with very strong control. As for causing physical pain to people, that happened 3 times, once when I was very young, a punch in the face of someone who probably did nothing wrong, a fight as an adolescent from being manipulated into it by my "friend", and one punch as an adult; I was waiting at a line and this guy got angry because he went away and I took his place, he came back 2 minutes later and started insulting me, I told him to shut up, he continued, I shouted in his face to shut the fuck up, then mister started provoking me into trying, I punched him, not strongly, just to draw blood; he didn't stop but his tone changed to mumbling without direct insults.

My intolerance to manipulation can extend to music, movies, radio, internet, mail, outside ads, whatever, yet, I don't take it in an extreme fashion, I mostly try skipping when I can or think of something else to stop my senses from listening since ignoring doesn't stop things from imprinting memory; you must fight it, and repetition is the key to brainwash, repetitive ads, or repetitive mentalities in movies, repetitive paroles in music or religions.

I try to steer myself away from external repetitive messages trying to imprint my memory; I like to do it myself without your pressure ok? I don't have a cook book at home and I've been cooking for a long time, there are people who like to invent and experiment their recipes; my life is my recipe. I want to understand life? I don't watch television or listen to experts like they are bearers of truth, I question and I let life some space to express itself within me, but I control things, I deal things, between entities, I make principles, hold my side of the bargain. Entities are inexistent in the understanding of most, yet all their life could be different if they had a few ones to see things from a different angle, supposing they are capable of empathy that is. They can be like the image of the evil and good genie popping each side of your head, except there can be many of them, the older you get or the more "intelligent", the more there can be, the more complex, and the more justified and powerful (like gods). They can be old entities from medieval times with whom you share a good movie, there can be spiritual ones too, powerful in their ability to reflect the will of life through your dreams, there can be life or universal ambassadors, good and bad extraterrestrials, love incarnations etc. Entities here is just a visualization tool, they take the form you want, they are different paths of thinking, mainly reflecting facets of the unconscious powers within you, those I talked about earlier, interacting between each other. The better the consciousness, the more you can access them, the more they take form and define the person you are, the more your interactions with reality work in function of them, and the more you have well defined principles. Maybe I should add it is only a view of the multi level questioning process of a healthy mind, or potential personality paths if you see adaptability as the greatest skill (not in the sense that you should adapt to anything, since you can adapt to as much as you can adapt to yourself...), so no, I don't have a teddy bear in the back of my mind, but I do have special people and spiritual entities, and they're proud of me, in theory...

All that to say I don't like any of the examples this reality continually tries to push me to follow, I found no adequate place for me so I made a recipe not for it; you either totally changes your reality to fit in people like me, which you cannot do in your mentality, or you make a reality where people like me can thrive in peace of your pressures, which you won't do, but I'll say you'll do it instead, just so you say I'm an overly positive man...

Now, I have no problem with people talking usual subjects, my problem is with mass bullshit, particularly the psy kind thrown everywhere (like I'm a psychopath or sociopath (path for pathology), and people who don't care. And while it's easy for those who don't care to say about those who write serious books that they are against fun, it's not the case, I just don't see it everywhere except at funerals, and I'm not against some vulgarity and jokes either, unless it concerns sex. It's hard to explain but I'd say public sex joking and vulgarity feels "wrong" to me, I like the neutral zone, laughing and sex don't mix well and is not very erotic in my opinion. I should add that for me, sex implies more profound feelings than "having fun" and vulgar sex expressions have not the same meaning when it's public than when it's in bed. I like to manipulate my sex associations myself without your suggestions (to whom it may concern), can I have this freedom please? The bizarre way of saying it would be that publicizing sex destroys love and that's what I think of stupid humorist sex dickheads jokers, laughers and critics, be them men or women. But yes there is excellent good taste sexual associated humor, it's a question of good judgment and there is never enough of that...

I prefer someone who talks temperature than an intellectual who talks bullshit, yet again, the best is an intellectual who filters it out so it doesn't stain all around. I can't tolerate most homosexuals because of the quantity of bullshit they believe in and spread around while taking a ridiculous attitude of intellectual superiority. Now don't get all worked up, what do you think? I don't like many people, you think I'm supposed to like you more than most? But I won't be too hard, thanks to the big proportion who are tranquil and not trying to spread their ways as good or normal...You respect an ideal of love? You get my respect. Some push so much on it they scare me, even going to the extent of exploiting it so it becomes a skill, making bullshit out of themselves; it's almost like they put on a cloak of bad luck and self-pity hidden under a transparent raincoat of positivism and psy pseudo-greater-understanding and "love" of life while carrying syringes to shoot themselves a depression once in a while... I'm exaggerating but there are people who like to make shit out of their live on purpose, and when you waste your life doing stupidities, you're not much of a good example to follow... But everything is relative, to save myself... Sometimes I think some are how they are as a form of protestation against a reality they don't like, but even if it would change the worth of their actions for me, I don't believe it's the case. Anyway, this question is valid for anybody and the fact remains that I don't like the classic homosexual way of talking; it sound wrong and bizarre to me, I hope extraterrestrials don't talk like that...would be gay...Sorry for my intolerance, I know this reality wants me to tolerate everything it decides without my input, but I can't do it, so for all these reasons and more I kind of imprisoned myself as I grew older instead of doing stupidities. So while homosexuals made their proud coming out, I made a shameful hiding in; you want your homosexual superiority to conquer the world? Go ahead. You want tolerance? You're in the best system for that, go ahead, put pressure, do some lobbying for a thousand years until you can stroll around nude if you want, I won't do insulting or discriminatory actions against you. Anyway, I would assuredly be judged by this reality as worth more prison than if I took the worth of a hundred people's lives in money, or spread HIV... As a matter of facts, I got in enough fights to be scared to catch HIV; I don't want to press my luck...
I could say I like to listen first, think second, and speak third, but that takes more time than talking from tic to tac from unconscious lines and it rarely ends-up following the classic predetermined road to success in talking based on ego or fear, particularly since I'm not an extrovert... When I come to have something to say still on a subject, I'm better turn my tongue in my mouth still more until I chew on it or it will insult Mr. Beer, Mr. Big, M. Homosexual, Mr. Power trip, Mr. bullshit, Mr. Cocaine, Mr. Psy or whoever else... Only some women seem to really appreciate what I have to say, but there is always a Mr. Jealous and Mr. Competition... But I ain't got money to meet them alone, and the difficulty would be far greater if I wanted a full feminine circle of friends, not that I think it is a great idea... So since I've been giving bizarre and worse than worthless speeches enough to abandon, that I'm not the kind to say pretty things to satisfy standards, then I don't talk anymore, I abandoned and became infinitively tolerant by flushing everybody to live alone. Anyway, people seem to want to hear what is projected by the media when socializing, like they want to know what's my brainwash, probably to stick to their secure, easy and fast generalizations... But my answers are not very securing, so go back to your screen, and don't seek what makes me interesting, you can't take it, and things I hold at heart make me emotive so buzz-off! You'd like it if I kicked your television?

What is valuable to me has no value here, and trying to get people to my mentality only make them enemies. I could tell some "friends" to grow up before it is too late and they end up as depressive oldies, or such not funny lines, or any other speech that doesn't bring admiration, but it's me that get still more depressed by the results I'll get... Just try saying "I don't like this reality" and the results you'll get are enough to close any mouth. Some "shut-up" argument can be thrown, like I'm an individualist, like I'm supposed to feel bad about it, then I could answer that I'm an independent individualist with an altruistic vision! And now that I'm bizarre, I could go on for a whole speech out of context, telling them they could discover surprises if they spend enough time to develop such a view, (they'd realize expressing them is another matter though). Maybe they wouldn't grow so susceptible to the media, culture, government, religions or any other people using Propaganda, Manipulation, bullshit, Brainwash or Disinformation (PMBBD) to profit from people's innocence or weaknesses, and you can throw hype in the lot...

From now on I'll call PMBBD anything meant to manipulate people through mass communication structures, including ads, wrappings, writings, singing, all powerful language transformations tools used in a negative way including contortions of people's mind through cute manipulative terms used by governments or controlling gangs doing "public relations" (a class separation, inferiority suggestion tool; the public is an inferior entity we are forced to have relations with. That tells a lot of what the people using such terms think of themselves and of the populace at their feet...). Propaganda, manipulation and brainwash have excellent uses, they can be very positive tools to learn things, but it must always be used to carry truth, or exaggerated to make a parody, which is exactly the contrary philosophy of this reality where it is vastly used to carry lies for whatever profiting gangs. Widespread and uncontrolled (or controlled by egos out of control) PMBBD is to be minimized, worse than saying lying is bad, as it can lead to one form or another of intelligence limitations, even war, from the minds of masses morphing into conflict, which is the ground where hate and revolt develops best.

In this reality, those egos out of control control everything, they have made things so they can rule our mind; it is their game board. With the help of mental psy science they have separated it to a thousand parts with which the biggest egos play and compete for control and exploitation in their unconscious pyramidal mentality. Your body has become something to be decorticated, every part numbered, statistically charted and steered to this or that control gang which can profit from it. In other words, it is reorganized to fit the way of the reality, to serve the Democracy-Capitalism business, not the goals of life. As you grow up and lose more and more innocence, you will feel more and more their grabbing hands on you; either you accept it or you start questioning, developing your consciousness by your own. Too little time too late for the vast majority who reaches that point, pay for the psy and pharmaceutical industry instead. This reality doesn't need or want you to become an independent and complete being without a problem, those don't get the economy turning as much, or they are "chaotic" individuals and a risk to the fundamental structuring for ego; they want to control and exploit everything for profits.

How does that fits in a classic social discussion now? Strange at best! Ego, ego, ego, leave us alone! I do, your choice, you got the world! It may be a bit of an exaggeration, and I'm not forced to talk like that and there is always something else to do, but I want to talk with people who either bring me something or to whom I can bring something; if my time is more interesting in my bed I'll go there. So I came to say nothing, yes, no, or whatever small talk meaning nothing to me. I'm forced to be a fraction of myself, I'm forced to listen to them and stay passive while I'm worth better than them talking, and I mean it; you wouldn't believe how someone who only talks inside his head can silence a whole group of paper talkers, leaving their jaw hanging! I've been asked to become a politician, even worse, what a joke! But I always saw that in me as a coincidental good timing thing as I can do exactly the contrary and make a fool of myself, and I have a tendency to get strongly influenced by my imagination on already slippery subjects while I can hardly keep straight on one... Want a piece of my wisdom? Boiling things down to their simplest expression may be important but it can often boil down to bullshit too... There are always exceptions and precisions and moderators, but they are not sufficiently used in an environment, with age differences in most situations, where you're supposed to learn unconsciously. But that doesn't stop the need to express very complex things simply.

After hearing too many respectful psy insults, after realizing that socializing brings me almost nothing positive except the exceptional coincidence, knowing it is becoming an internet and camera and photo wow thing, knowing most people talk serious subjects like any other, to forget about it after 5 minutes unless it attacks their ego, knowing someone like me will not learn something useful out of it, and knowing I can't bring my thinking to people who only listen for competition or to find something to say, I went toward stopping it totally; let them stay as they are if it is what they like. That was the end of it for me, I'll wait for extraterrestrials. Yet this lack kills me; I want to tell my opinion freely, even if it takes longer to express, even if it's not in the line of what people want to hear, or even if it is not proven scientifically. I want to do it without pressure to get it out fast or modified and I don't want to edit it in the name of keeping friends; I prefer to have none than to do that. Now that I'm older I even believe that socialization is vastly overrated, worse, it limits a lot of mind skills (not the one of talking bullshit, that's for sure!), a few good friends who are careful of what they say is what I would have liked (careful for bullshit, I don't care if you talk dirty, to some extent).

I even made principles experiments on "friends" who were "making" far more money than me, who were too cheap to pay me 20$ for repairing their computer or helping them around, who pertinently knew the ends of months are often difficult times for me, who profited from me in many, not necessarily direct, ways, or who had the habit I hated so much of seeing me as a competition, often compensating their lack of intelligence or arguments with psy insults I'd come to call shut-up or final argumentation because the receiver always ends-up closed mouthed. It was a favor or an effort on my part to pass some time with them, I had to pay 5$ for the bus, I had to pass my time in wonderment over their new television or new car, or their new girlfriend, or their new computer, or I had to endure their boring stupid cocaine and beer trip and lamentations that I'm their best friend. This friend mania was really starting to get on my nerves anyway, because for most it was becoming an infinite list of phone numbers they call when they need some boasting around or when they feel alone, what's more, when you don't please them or when they are scared or jealous, they would "bar you from their list" and that says it all...

For some I got barred without taking the risk of insulting them, or getting into a fight, by asking them to call me around the end of month, to be paid my bus trip and to have a good meal (politely and with explanations). But...but... it's not how it should be! They have a job and that's enough to act superior; I'm the inferior receiving their social assistance, they pay for me, they provide assistance, I'm the one that's supposed to listen for it! If I would have been the president of a company they would have been glad to do it, but they hate people receiving social assistance, the older they get (the social assisted and the people), the more hate. It's like passing on people's sacred toxic lawn; I have lots of fun getting insulted like a criminal because they're too cheap to erect an electric fence to protect their lawns from evil, yet, I'm sure that if I was rich or popular or powerful, I could walk circles and they'd probably plant a sign to boast I've placed a foot on their grass... Anyway, the two people to whom I asked that never talked to me again, I was effectively barred from their list... The more of a loner I became, the more I came to the conclusion that all this friends and socialization business was all a complex scheme to get me to, at the least, adapt to a reality where the pressure selection is pushing for maximal gregarism. Maybe after so much of our history passed wanting to believe the human is a heavy social animal it has become true for most people as the pressure brought about a selection to reflect the belief, what I would call pressure selection, yet, there are still people like me who only need a girlfriend and a few friends to be all right so why the continual pressure encouraging socialization? I say that behind most arguments encouraging socialization there is profit for someone under one form or another, that's what I say; we pile people for profits, people must get used to step on each other, more people, more taxes, and richer profiteers... I am ready for total "friends" banishment!

I'm generalizing a little, I'm sure I could find adequate friends, but they are not within the circle available to me, and I don't have the means or attitude to better find them. Just talking like I need "means" is a bad start at the friend thing...The other aspect is that there are people who are made to have friendship as a leader form, and I believe that's the case for me, but I'm not strong on manipulating for self-interest and I'm not strong on the competition principle, and I tend to tell the truth of my opinions, so the adequate situation never formed itself.

I guess it's too easy to lose me, I just need to feel manipulated and you're out of it. The first clue that you'll fail at the friend job are gifts or in the way you try to please me. Some old "friend" contacted me when I installed facebook, so I gave him a shot. The guy was very proud to show me his new daughter, and with so much talking about her I came to wonder if he was competent at the dad job. After a few meetings he invited me to "his" home in another city, a too clean place for my tastes, a bad start, particularly with kids around (I easily could guess him losing his temper over cleanliness as his kid grows, and I didn't like it at all, I hate it when people prefer a disinfected home than imaginative kids, then they'll wonder why their kid or themselves are mentally limited...) But I was there to have fun with a friend and grow some tolerance, surely not to teach manners...What killed it is that he lied to me a lot; I found out he really wanted to boss me around and boast about his possessions, and no problem lying to get there. As an example, one of his argument to manipulate me in going to his place was that he grew tons of cucumbers (my favorite vegetable), that I would eat dozens of them (literally his words), but in the 2 days I was there he only got 2 cucumbers, 1 by day and we had to divide it in 2, so I ate one, not a dozen! Then he started dictating all what we were going to do because it was his home, so I was "forced" to help him build rabbit cages (he had no idea how...) and I had to follow him around like a dog, I even had to eat scramble eggs while I hate eggs, but we had a bit of salmon once, and he acted like he was making a big gift or something, I'd had eaten 10 times more! The rest of the food was cheap "sugar"; potatoes, rice, spaghetti, things like that. Then I was forced to play his boring "Nintendo" games, the ones he played so much he was sure to win over me (while I made the effort to play game he liked when he came to my place, and not in a way as to crush him, and the worst is that he was never happy, the games were too boring or whatever, because without my help he was incompetent)...

But I wanted to live the experience fully, so I tolerated, and when it was time to leave he gave me a glass of strawberry jelly, but I hate jelly, I like the syrup kind. But I took it and placed it on the stair ramp. He accidentally hit it and it broke on the floor, then he became all weird frustrated angry that I had placed it there and he would have to clean the whole house because of me (yeah, good luck with your kid...). With great control I managed to act like I was sorry. Then we were away, and all along the trip he couldn't stop talking about all the disgusting things he did in his life, proudly at it, a super sexual performer it seems, and fucking little whores was so great he almost sounded like he regretted his kid...

I was happy when I got home, one thing's for sure, I would never again go to his place. I thought I would not see him often after that, but no, he manages to debark every week or 2 to pass a night except in the winter (he lives 200Km away...). No problem, but I'm no motel; I can't pay for nothing except basic food sorry. Then all what he needed that I didn't have became a gift, and he would give it with a smile while looking in my eyes, like he made a big gift or wanted a French kiss or I don't know what weird, I hated that. At the beginning he paid for the joints too (I didn't smoke no more) but quickly I had to pay for my part, and what was I to say? I laughed with him once about the fact that I was cheap, and he immediately jumped on the occasion to concede that indeed I'm cheap! I live with 300$ a month, what do you think fucking asshole? You are the cheap one with your peanuts and fat sausages while you boast about your big house and car! But I didn't say that, he just failed one more test...

Then small things started disappearing, cucumber seeds, book on mushrooms, I mentioned it but didn't accuse him. At that point he had awoken the beast I could say, I started looking for ways to get rid of him, peacefully, as the tests continued...I tried to make him pass on a private property to see if he could make a small crime against social conventions kind of, but no way! Someone could see us! The police is around! (I do things like that sometimes, I like to know that I hate some forms of crimes and not other) So my "friend" would not pass over a private property of a stranger under no circumstances, too good, but stealing repetitively from a friend, no problem.

Then one day he debarked with a crap computer he had bought, for whatever reason, but since he doesn't understand much to computers then he had no use for it, and me I sure wouldn't pass my time repairing it... So he thrust it in my arms like a wonderful gift. I didn't accept his gift, I knew at the first friction he would take it back, but he was so insistent that I took it while saying that he could take it back anytime if he warned me a day in advance.

It stayed like that for some time, but then he started shortening the warning time before coming to my place, from 12 hours to 8 to 6 then one day he knocked on my door by surprise and I refused to open and I got angry about the fact that I told him repetitively to warn me in advance. He got frustrated and cut communication for some time. After some time he got insistent on coming back and I told him again that nobody else than me and my girlfriend would decide when someone would enter my place, and that his childish and frustrated attitude proved that I made a mistake in trusting him. He was sorry and all, but I told him that I needed to be alone for a few years, I wished him to care for himself and his family and goodbye. Another test, I knew he would not last "a few years" without having something to boast around proudly, like my chosen situation was a competition or something. He lasted 2 weeks! He had his face on TV I think and needed my friendship to talk about it! But I seized the opportunity to block him without a word. Done! no more friends. But a few weeks later, while I was away, he entered my place, took back "his" computer, and everything he ever "gave" me, including the torching paper specific to his ass. And he stole many other little things that would take me lots of time to notice. He even tried to crack my passwords, it would have been so easy to send the police after him...

There are few more reasons why I flushed my friends, even if I never had many, and for some I'll regret losing them since they've been mostly good for me, so don't think I had a bad opinion of everybody, but I unconsciously decided to take the means to end-up totally alone and I did. So after flushing the less interesting ones I started realizing I was cutting every attachment I had to everything, like I was leaving for somewhere, or I didn't want to touch this reality covering this earth anymore, I was preparing to fly, to see, to feel, everything would become justification to fly higher, farther, or go deeper; if there is no place for me here, then I will never touch this earth again except to describe what I see and what I want.

For now, I'll test this auto-suggestion mentality I heard a few times as insults from "friends" and coming from the psy and television industry, something somewhat saying loners or people who don't socialize end-up as dangerous psychopaths or sociopaths. Many great inventions we have come from people who didn't like socialization, or who sacrificed it, and they were not violent people; some gave humanity among their greatest advancements, and I'll even go to the extent of saying there wouldn't even be a civilization to begin with if there were not people rejecting the heavy socialization plans always needed by "powerful" people to better "arrange" their exploitations of the "little" people in groups or ranks... I even believe that the more social extrovert you are the more your mind is developed for it, the more it is limited in other facets, and the more worthless conflicts exist; socialization is an excellent thing in moderation, critical to our wellbeing, but it can cause limitations elsewhere when exaggerated or pressured or when it is an infinite civilization principle, particularly in a reality that "enforces" selection by inadvertence solely by the liberties it gives some gangs at the cost of other people's liberties while willfully forgetting that most liberties can coexist if fairness exists.

We're doing the exact same thing we do with vegetables; selecting properties, and that's reflected in many thousands years in vegetables and the same for humans. Nothing wrong with it if it is based on fairness or good principles, but it have never been the case from the beginning of humanity; we did it by totally unfair rules and twisted principles advantaging the best manipulators and profiteers, like love that we mainly used for manipulation and profiting instead of using it as the best selection tool given by life. That's a reality invalidating argument as I like to see it, not only because it unfairly eliminates critically useful attitudes, but because the unfair systematization, this reality, has been made invincible; it will ruin everything until we are inadequate to take the next universal step, and we presently are at this point. And no need to kill the ones like me who understand the problem and can do something about it, they'll be dead in 50 years; you just need to give unfair liberties to some at the cost of others, pressure selection, I'm already a nothing... The only adequate way I found to stop the process is to redefine good and evil and make a new growing reality where the pressure selection is done at that level, along with a revitalization of love as the best way of human reproduction (the best selection tool life gave us, if not we wouldn't reproduce separately and life would be very basic). Fairness should be imperatively defined in relation to life to know what good and evil is.

For the media indoctrinated putrid brains impalpable in their manipulation grease thinking themselves intellectually superior as they vomit slippery stuff like wisdom (I finally found the "very bad English" part...that phrase was very immature, unprofessional and politically incorrect, but it felt so good writing it, should I erase it? Yes? No? Vote! I vote No), I'll answer than NO! Life ain't unfair! Saying that is a proof that you have not the slightest idea of how life works, you think superficially and you aint got the judgment to differentiate bullshit from truth. Life got to work within large parameters if it is to provide evolution capabilities, if not there would be no life, only clones of the first cell! It is us, its high consciousness life-form, that must define the fundamental principles important to our success and wellbeing, then take the path that will emancipate both the high consciousness life form and solar life itself through the galaxy as a success, or if you prefer, the good path. The evil path is the one of failure where we condemn both ourselves and solar life to rot. The part of life is to catch what its high consciousness form sees as fairness until it can implement it as an unconscious genetic thing easing our life, making us happier and more capable. And for that the meaning must be logically non-conflicting in our mind. Basically, if we see fairness as a good thing then its contrary, unfairness, is a bad thing. As long as we see fairness as a good thing, then that will never change and unfairness will stay an evil thing. If you want unfairness to be a good thing, then you have to make its contrary, fairness, the bad thing, then believe it many thousands of years at mass level (does not apply to magic stuff, since it is not possible (unless cheats), even if someone else will say everything is possible...like such bullshit should open my mind while the only thing it does is make it moronic...). I should add to never confound equality with fairness, like the stupid disinformative and manipulative synonym dictionary will suggest, equality is absolutely not a synonym fairness, just think about it, equality is separating things in equal parts, fairness is separating things based on principles.

Since fairness-unfairness is the most basic form of good and evil, and the most important (people and life affecting) principle forming a high consciousness civilization, if we make a reality where unfairness is systemized then we are evil, and we incapacitate our evolution potential from mind conflict if we believe we are good. Life evolves from the truths it cumulates (you can see it as possibilities that became truths through life), and so a lot of high consciousness mind evolution is proportional to mind harmony, or if you prefer; any mind conflict (in and between humans) is a limiting factor to our evolution because it incapacitates something from becoming true enough to have facets of it genetically developed. What I call a conflict is anything clashing with a truth, any inconsistency, conflicting proverbs you believe in, miracles or impossible things you believe as truths while they conflict the physical laws that life built itself from, conflicting words definitions like the synonym dictionary likes so much to make a specialty of spreading, twisted definitions of ideals serving conflicting beliefs, like mass manipulators like so much to do; the power of love have been nullified by that, but I'll explain how in the "Love Entanglement" chapter (book), the same for peace and yes, fairness, in fact, the power of every good principles have been nullified by ego people and they (their ideology, or way of seeing things) are responsible for a tremendous, maybe fatal, retard toward the advancement of solar life, and I'm not talking about the mind development retards they have imposed to trillions of human beings, which is worsening in all kind of ways, every day, and even if people think they are better mentally because they learn more things and talk a lot, it has nothing to do with what life can do from truth, it created your mind for Christ's sake! Even if we genetically implant stuff, it will always stay a load of bullshit twisting the human still more in conflict with life or the universe, until we're wasted as a circus, funny, entertaining, yes, we're so superior and different, but the circus won't travel the stars, it will just look at its awesome biotech ass in wonderment until it never existed... Nothing wrong with biotech asses or nanotech penises or genetically engineered orgasms etc, but you must work with life at the mental level, not in conflict with it, not as an enemy or a competitor, that way you won't waste yourself in your pleasure trip, you'll still take your true human responsibilities, and that is surely not to work blindly for any system providing you with your pleasure trip. One of your responsibilities is to understand and question the reality you live in, to have the judgment or tools to know if you can end-up weighting good as a person by helping it in its goals, you need that to become one of the best of the universe, you need a philosophy or spirituality trying to work hands in hands with life, surely not in conflict with it, or as an enemy or a competitor ("trying", spirituality must exist where things are unknown, but it is only good if it is made of the best possibilities, not impossibilities like miracles, or stupidities, do I need to explain why all over again?). If you have that then you can have as much fun as you want, while working or after work. I should add that there is not much mind work involved in that, just a little when young to question what is the most logical view of good and evil, something entirely related to the long term survival of human life in the universe (logically, you won't survive if you are not good enough) But don't worry, manipulators have developed the necessary twisted argumentation, within their ideology, to rebuke any such potential and dissipate responsibility in the wind, they're just humans after all (everybody is), they do their best (are they? really? If so they act like they have absolutely no idea of what "best" means), they work hard (what's that got to do with good and evil? You don't need to work hard to be good, you can have lots of fun, in fact, the quantity of wellbeing and pleasure would be far greater once switched from an ego-gods ideology to a life-gods ideology, but I'll let you guess why. And I might add that acting good is far more difficult in hell than in paradise...). All that applies at a personal level as well as at a civilization level. A good belief that can be true will never morph humanity to reflect it if it is not believed by sufficient mass in minimal conflict, through time, that's in part why I'm racist, they say... Now, it is not hard to extrapolate and come to the conclusion that the most powerful catalyst of this is a good language devoid of conflicting definitions and meanings, but current synonyms dictionaries are doing exactly the contrary, confounding everything...And while it may be possible that a big part of the brain be meant as a language modifier tool, the fact remains that the result of words envisioning is an information that can be nearer the truth or farther from it, even if it's just a feeling, and that's what affects life. Minimizing words and principles twisting, that's the emphasis learning institutions should put their energy on about language, but that would be bad for the poesy and acting class, but maybe they'll stop producing literary agents who reject anything with a grammar mistake as "very bad English" too...

You can be better or more good than someone else on some facets, be worth more liberties (money can be seen as more liberty) but you weight either good or evil in total and that's where you pressure select to act in a good and fair way, not at the skill level contrarily to this reality. And since that's kind of like new stuff to all this humanity of open minded and intelligent and modern people who never thought about good and evil that way, then I'll add that good is more limited by laws, often personal, and there is a supplementary effort involved in following more life principles in their best way to help humanity morph toward an ideal, and that is very valuable, so such people should either work less for the same kind of money, or be paid more; the better you are toward the advancement of life or humanity, the more valuable. Was that hard to understand? Do you think I make sense? Do you think this reality will become like that from democratically voting? (I'm not talking about a cheap manipulative way of doing it, like compensations or gifts for this or that, I'm talking about the systematization of money itself). Don't you wonder why people thinking like me are so rare? What if you met aliens working within a system like that? Wouldn't you want to try it? Why such a way of thinking is rejected if it is brought about by a human? You feel humans are all the same mentally because of the weight of the well adapted selection that have been historically morphed to fit the ego ideal? Why should I disappear? Why am I not reproducing? Why am I among the poorest? If people like me are condemned to disappear, if our way of thinking will never exist because the proportion of people democratically indoctrinated to be dependent from the Democracy-Capitalism business is too big and democracy have been made to serve only one way of thinking (as I'll explain better later, the left-right thing is manipulation; even if some things will change you are still in the same fundamental mentality, it's just a variation of the same thing), then do I have the right to violently fight for what I stand for? One thing's for sure, if a mind like mine feels treated like shit, don't be surprised if it sometimes struggle to stay respectful or peaceful as it explains a view you never had because it is probably the one nearest our best path while being so far away from current ways that nobody in human history had the mind to develop it as a non-conflicting whole. But don't worry, it will stay an obscure thing in this "hell", as humanity dies in its stubbornness to fool around in the bullshit it developed in its ego competition through history, willfully staying totally blind to understanding, ego indoctrination oblige...

So I say a lot of the selection the most ego made from the beginning is incapacitated or inadequate of mind to survive, and contrary to vegetable seeds, we did not preserve some necessary forms of humans, we dumped them as worthless like me, tagged them as not tolerating or violent or not compassionate or whatever else including a panoply of psy tags, and that makes of reversing the trend of actual selection, if it was even possible, twice as hard.

The selection is more and more fragile through interdependence and PMBBD, humanity may never recover from that and it comes from one source; ego unfairness, and a lot is coming from weighting people as skills and not as a total in effect. Our way to give value to people is wrong, but it's understandable since we forgot what money is long ago, when manipulators started twisting its value and meaning. And you can have a degree in economics all you want, your great education system still didn't teach you the most fundamental notion about what money is, you see it superficially, like a competition or a game of monopoly, you never think of it as the life energy of people. When someone succeed at taking a million for himself, whatever the way, where does it come from? From high consciousness life energy time, there is no money if people don't spend energy or time doing something valuable, and this money, even if those giving it think it is their money and they can give it to whomever they want, is all interrelated, it does not only concern those exchanging it, it concerns the whole planet if all economic systems are interrelated. As for the way to express it, it is dependent on security and intelligence; metal, paper, computers, whatever, it's still just a number taking one form or another. So, if you understand what money is, then you understand that the quantity of money is proportional to the number of humans using it, and since human life energy value is a variable, you are forced to use the number of people for a constant. It means every new human adds a basic number in a pool of money, whatever you want, let's say 100, and then you divide the pool among everybody depending on who is most valuable, in totality of effect preferably, everything is dependent from this simple fact. You can say this thing or that service is worth this or that quantity of money, but the value of everything must change proportionally to the quantity of people whatever the value you give to skills or things. What we currently have as an economic system is an evil perversion twisted in all kind of ways to exploit human energy and enrich the best profiteers or manipulators. Today it is impossible to go back to the good way of money, the only way is to start a new reality. My explanation may not be perfectly understandable, and there are a few more critical principles I didn't touch here just yet (quick hint; see it as a credit system), but the fundamental truth remains; it is human life energy. So the rich can use 20 millions of "his" money to spread it on his selection of people, or get them to work for him, he'll still have to take the money from human life energy somewhere, and this somewhere is other people who took a part of it from others somewhere and so on, and it will weight evil for the recipient if he is not worth the amount toward the advancement of life, whatever that may be in order of logical priorities.

So fairness in money is about giving different value to people based on good and evil, no choice, if not then there is no need for fairness or unfairness to exist as a notion when dealing money, but that's complicated at the down to earth level, so you do it by visualizing the ultimate goal of a good vs evil that will bring success to the step you are in (presently that would be to make a system that will take care of life on earth to gain the ability to spread life on another planet, it means a systematization that will impose fairness at all level of life (including between races, people, and wild life versus human ratio, so I would guess a drastic reduction in the racist baby making extravanganza is in order, and new priorities that will stop the waste of resources (like for war) and stop unnecessary pollution), then you decompose it in priorities and jobs, then give different values to people based on the difficulty of doing the job, including the level of competence and necessary education. That's a very simplistic view but whatever your efforts you'll never succeed in an ego competition reality, even if you force things, and forcing people is a bad strategy, a new reality is the way to go. So a skill or admiration on hype are not the best basis on which to decide who is worth more, particularly when you can use money to create hype for popularity. Furthermore, there must be a limit to both end of the spectrum; the poor to the bone are not supposed to exist, neither the royally rich. And don't think your way is the only way to have an economy turning, it's just the best way for the most ego and unfair people, that's all, it is an economy of manipulators and opportunists (profiteers). It looks cool and good when you're a young civilization, millions of opportunities (cakes) abound, ego people jump in to become "gods", family hegemonies thrive, pyramids are built all over the place, but someday only those who took unfair means are left to profit from new opportunities, except from some entertainment, because opportunities become rare and very expensive and all the competitions have been won. And so you created systemized unfairness as what defines humanity to the whole universe, the civilization is made of eternal structures accepting only one kind of people, and versus the goals of life in the universe you are a failed life extrapolation, tested and rejected by the logical laws of existence. But it's nothing new, people never systemized fairness, but someday, soon, it will be the irreversible final truth of humanity and solar life, and we'll disappear one way or the other because of it (and or other attitude related things we can change too).

You wanted superior people and powerful beings to tell you what to do? You have it all over the place now, enjoy your short stay in the universe. We are at the final stretch of many such mind failures which have been developing for thousands of years, the people are selected, 7 billion people, all believing in the continuity of things so well manipulated they are, working and "profiting from life" as much as they can with a green face; ecosystem of death and destruction.

I stopped calling even my most interesting remaining friends, anyway it seems friendship must pass through the internet these days. And I don't like having to pay for basic internet or the telephone, why aren't we evolving beyond that? I guess it's the intrinsic way of this reality, everything must be exploited, with pub minimally, and people don't care about having pub everywhere, they almost need it, a dependence, it's part of their unconscious to absorb pubs, remove it from them and they'll cry! But not me, and you won't find it in my place. Again, I don't know who gave themselves the right to decide these things without my input in the name of liberty, and bath me in this environment, from childhood to the end of my life. But I'll continue that later, just don't think you can argument against my opinions too fast, I kind of developed two minds at the most extreme level for my job; one is mine and it contains every argument and everything as philosophy and spirituality for a new way while the other have been built from observing my enemy (this reality) as an innocent. You should take that into consideration, all of you who think they know it all or got an answer to everything and can't stand my simple logic, I know in advance probably everything you can throw at me, if your philosophy is not demolished immediately, it will be in another chapter as I can't answer within a pamphlet every argument this reality invented to defend itself. One thing's for sure, I won't be happy if I can point at a paragraph within my book (s) as an answer to a hostile or frustrated attitude.

What reinforces my feeling of loneliness in this world is that my family bugs me, apart from getting a job, to get myself the phone so I can call them while they never call me, but that is too expensive for the use I have for it, and they don't have much of a good opinion of me so they like to kind of forget about me and even if I want to care I only find justification not to. I still call my parents once a year to say I'm coming for a visit, and I feel more and more a stranger as I notice patterns suggesting I'm wrong to visit them. All my family got used to things being that way anyways, so I'm not sure I want to change that, and I'm scared to end-up being told directly that they never liked me. I've not seen some of them for so long I don't think I'd recognize them, so I'm as well be surprised for something, continue my self-justifications for not existing... Maybe one day if I'm to get rich or popular I'll feel better seeing them, but I don't think that's my style, so I'll see how far my justifications and understanding can go and how I'll feel after I've reached the end of my quest; I may even buy a television! (joke) but I'll surely plug the internet to publish my book (s) and I'll try going back more social too...These things never scared me; it's just that I had to become me, it was personal, like finding my destiny.1/2 (This fraction means you read around 25 000 words, the whole book is divided in equivalent slabs, and you can click on the fraction numbers you meet to jump back to the table of content).

As for women, I know there are many exceptional ones, and I personally think they have more mind ability than the general unconsciously implanted idea seems to give them, it's just somewhat differently influenced and concentrated on different facets. I could say they have more of a life intelligence (instinct for life), but they're cumulating a head full of PMBBD unconscious preconceptions implanted from the beginning of time with a selection emphasis I don't like; making pets for a lot, and a lot more are on men competition and equality dreams which I don't like either.

I like some attitude differences between sexes, particularly when these differences have positive properties or complement each other, so I like to think it positive to have jobs overwhelmed by one sex or the other. For me one of the most important fundamental skills a person must possess is having a maximum of control (consciousness) over as many facets as possible of one's life, starting by its ego (don't tell me this phrase is weird..). I believe women develop that more "naturally" than men but they compete with men in this reality, and when you compete you become like your competitor or worse if it is about sexes. So they are losing more and more of what makes them different as women is my belief, and the same for men, but women will eventually win at that in the long run since they give birth (details in the "Life Infinite" chapter (book)); we're just "lucky" the Democracy-Capitalism business will ruin the earth long before then... For now, we are at the competition point and everything is becoming twisted since we become what we want until sickness arise, so I would be hard pressed to tell my opinions just now about the development of sexual attitudes in this reality, unless I'm ready to fight all the sex and love profiteers and get half the population to immediately drop all my work for it, since talking sex attitudes is the easiest way to make enemies in a reality that encourages fuck all free for all and the banalization of sexuality, along with love meaning anything, and people are already invested in this, so they are very susceptible to any view that doesn't defend their history. I'll still have to do it in the "Love Entanglement" chapter (book), and sorry but one of the main reason for a new reality is to bring back the power of love to reality, so even if most of humanity will dump my work as worthless because I don't defend their view of sexuality or love, I'll still stand and make of true love an intrinsic part of a life reality even if I have to crush all those who will feel destructive resentment for not fitting my view (you don't have to endorse it, but you have to respect, which includes not twisting true love to steal its power) So I write as much in the name of true love as in the name of life since both come together.

For now, don't think cosmetic and enforced details differences, like media differences or women's pub magazines is what makes a woman, or doing the feminist, and I know many are stuck in an inferiority situation forcing them to compete, but competing men is no better than tolerating an inferior situation, becoming tools, or sex, or birthing objects. What's more, women have an infiltration problem of extremely "bad apples" they seem to have trouble discerning; those are at the extreme of control (over others), or sex boasting, or superiority, or competitiveness, or haughtiness, completely overriding ego control for exactly the contrary; ego emancipation. One form or another of them is slowly invading all their socialization circles. Men too like more and more this kind of extrovert circles where everybody have a place and some bad knowledge about someone else, where all kind of shitty attitudes develop, and since most people participate and like it, I can generalize. I'll even add that the best women are pressure selected to extinction by all the tools of competition invented by ego people and superior scientists. Science can be manipulated you know, many of their affirmations should be suggestions and PMBBD twist everything. Today you can almost pay a scientist to make any affirmation to encourage a path of thinking, and who got the money to pay scientists? Not me...

Anyway, all that to say you can't compare people from brain size or IQ too much, they are unfair pressure selection tools, and that's particularly true when comparing and judging women and men on such grounds. Next, the size or form of a brain is not always a clue as to the quality of it; it can sometimes reflect conflicts. In fact, it is my belief that brain size is in big part proportional to reality complexity versus the reality transformation capacity of the lifeform. I mean, it is probable that the true power of my mind could fit a cup, but preparing to absorb the data around me to gain the power adequate to me to morph reality (like language) may requires a bucket size container, particularly if it is predictable that I'll fill it with conflict and bullshit (probably the biggest size factor, mostly wasted, but reproduction will still prepare the being with the container, even if it is empty and everybody will fill it differently, but it's just a simple vision). With this in mind you can have a better idea of the intellectual value of an animal by deducing the complexity of his reality and his capacity to change it, along with the complexity required for instinct (like sense complexity, visual particularly, then there is the communication strategy too). Evidently, the process must be useful; a fish in a lake will never grow an atomic genius, but all what you can think within a lake is available to the fish, like philosophy, yes there is philosophy going on in a lake, small philosophy...There could be big good and evil notions within the ocean, why not? Still, survival instinct will mostly look moronic in animals, but I'm sure there are many animals that can ridicule the selection in thinking capacities; I don't think the beaver made his home entirely instinctively, 50/50 I would say, 50 is what his form of life needed for survival, and 50 is conscious thinking. Every animal is extremely precious, I eat them, yes, it's part of the energy transformation procedure, but the survival of a single wild (important) animal is worth a lot of human sacrifice is my opinion.

As for the intelligence measurement this reality uses, it is totally wrong as my intellectual quotient is 60 and it means I'm "mentally disabled", like a turned-off brain would give the same result as mine...really! At 60 it's disable! The problem is that I absolutely don't feel like a 60 at all, or want to be, common man! at least 80! in fact, I feel exactly the contrary! I thought I was intelligent, just evidence from interacting with people, but no, god was I wrong I'm just a moron even if I feel mentally overclocked, absolutely powerful in my mind, totally out of the domain of most people! I'm sure something is wrong with this IQ thing, you can't just destroy my ego drive like that! I like to be intelligent! And I want to be!

I know it's a "mistake", but I'm sure a big part of IQ testing represents an external brainwash quotient as much as true intelligence, like our capacity to act intelligently within the current reality of things. It can be seen as a way for some gang sharing a property to act superior too. Furthermore, it may be too based on memory speed, superficiality of knowledge and simple mathematical deductive puzzle solving with a twist, again, based on a standardization of the mind created by the reality. But yes, it can be that easy to be a moron for some people, and it's important to put it into number to prove it, like money... My test was taken after I studied programming, in fact I went to school solely for the exams so easy it was for my dead brain, I didn't even care (I revolted while studying and finished only to get the diploma), but I must say the books were made well enough that the school was mostly useless. Compared to most other students who passed a lot of time there, while exchanging brains vitamins (for some), I can say, again, that there is something wrong with the test. I say they erased a 1 before the 60, that could be the "mistake", knowing the school was an English one (in French, like a bank, with the same attitude of overcharging (15 000$ for a year...)), because they may not like exceptionally gifted Quebeckers. What else? I was so tranquil I wasn't even there, and I didn't boast under no circumstance, so can't say I pissed someone off! I only see racism as an explanation, but I guess it is worthless complaining about our English invaders "friends", Canadians "love" us, it's proven scientifically in Montreal...

What would you say if I invented a moron quotient? Stupid? But that's exactly what the IQ test is! We value people from the money they possess, dividing the rich from the poor, the more money the more worthy, popular and the more freedom while the poor get a kick to work faster or harder. The same for the IQ test, it says what this reality thinks of your intelligence, the higher you are toward 0 the more it wants you to disappear, hypocritically evidently, and I'm not far from the line where I shouldn't be capable of reading...I still wouldn't dare take energy pills and boosters for my crap brain, my moron quotient would get inversely critical, like -160 mind implosion, but imagine what kind of book I'd write if I suddenly grew intelligent! I understand the test do reflect a measure of intelligence, I can't say the contrary, but it's a division and selection tool too, about something that is very hard to quantify; intelligence can take different forms, it is complex, sex related, relative, volatile, developing and more. Who was it again that was bad at math and later in his life developed fantastic theories and formulas? I have exactly the same opinion for emotional quotient, and again I'm quite sure to be emotionally retarded as I'm not a reflection of the definition of a superior emotive quotient this reality invented itself in people through PMBBD, which is probably is mainly a reflection of learned social cues, and you can bet some emotions are minimized, like hate. But me I have deep and good empathy, extreme sensitivity and emotional (not hysteria) intelligence. The problem is that it only works when I'm alone, and the cause is this conflicting reality and its twisted mentalities. But I won't modify my emotional quotient to fit in; I will prefer to kick hard in the nuts anybody that makes an emotional emphasis in the name of manipulation! Does that counts as an emotion? Can you perceive emotions through my writing? They don't count because they don't fit the test meant as a pressure to standardize for adaptation? What about politicians? As for my social quotient, I better not talk about this one, I'm no social animal, I guess I'm too dumb, flushed it all, my social quotient must hover around 0 he too, what's next? Surely there is a quotient where I can feel superior? I can't be such a nothing, no worthy quotient of any kind in there, and no money either...

And next, psy scientists will use such data as my 60 points of intelligence to deduct things concerning the whole earth civilization, yes, they'll do it, if I'm unlucky, cheap scientists often take their data in garbage cans... With a sigh of satisfaction they made the discovery that IQ increases with time lately! Wow, I can't believe those morons, I wouldn't doubt that I'm better than a neanterdal in the skull! What else? Ah, I wouldn't doubt that I'm better than a baby in the skull too!...What else? Nothing except bullshit. Even then, there is a difference between 0.000001% increase and 10%, but I'm still thinking it is more of an adaptation quotient reflecting that people are more habile at doing reality things, and everything that form a reality is a part of it, you think your mathematics are not related to reality? WRONG! It is people who decided to make it so we count this way or that, by 10 or by 12 like...or the wording of the test can give totally different result depending on reality too. What I mean is that any test made by a reality to look at intelligence, look at its own intelligence...(that didn't end well as a kind of smart conclusion...).

For a long time I've been exchanging only with myself, always finding some interesting twists to things, asking questions, elaborating answers, discussing things and making plans, and that's what keeps me alive, even if the duality inside me is always present. So I watch people making slaves of themselves, often by trading happiness for dependence, I will despise them for staying innocent or mind lazy, or for accepting wholefully this reality, then I'll say it's their choice and it's of no use turning it into a big theory they don't care to hear; but what if they're the result of a pressure selection and separation done from the beginning of time mixed with communication propaganda, manipulation, bullshit, brainwash and disinformation (PMBBD)? The perspective of innocence changes but how do I deal with the momentum of their mass if their innocence or blind will to defend this reality is at risk of ending all potential for solar life to spread? They may be excellent for this reality, but is it what they really want? Life disappearing, mass unfairness, tons of poor people dependent from powerful and rich show-off people controlling exploiting and profiting from everything? They are worth what they took or manipulated us to give them? Are we happy with what we made of the world? You got to answer these questions before you die you know. But again I guess it is too late, life is condemned by the selection momentum, which will probably only change in mass death or from a famine in an ego reality; only when their ego possessions are destroyed and their ego dreams are broken will they accept change, that is, if they're young enough to still have mind malleability... So instead of pitying, I end up despairing and revolting, I wish violence and vengeance, but I'm sure this reality prefers the batch of depressing feelings accompanying the hopelessness I sometimes feel about my conclusions... But I still always want to try to do good so I'm helpful, smiling, I even want a job! But the more I think, the more it's all going to hell...

It's like fighting to control my sleep, it's tiring, I can even get terrible spasms if I don't go to sleep at the right moment, it's like someone plug me to high voltage for a fraction of a second, just as I fall asleep so it can be very frustrating, but I can take "lazy" naps anytime. If I don't think of these sunny days I miss in the summer I feel a lot better not trying to control my sleep, and my metabolism have no problem with it and I dream a lot. Maybe instead of trying to recreate the good old days of sleeping we should consider things in total day or night manner, and shorter shifts, not as a string of hours like a competition for time, but as a way of living, try to encourage for 24/24 human activity, and the gland get used to it. I don't think humanity will ever live again without electricity, so we will have to adapt one way or another. But yes some people will be sick too, but someday, in 2000 years, it won't matter anymore. I feel as good and often better waking up after some time sleeping the day, and tired as soon as I make a little effort at controlling it. It's probably related to some excitement; I just write, feeling good, and bam! I can't sleep because I'm on a momentum. But all that only works if my neighbors leave a part of the day where I can sleep in peace, which is not the case in my present situation where I can barely sleep 2-3 hours without having someone shaking the whole block with noise, even during the night, I hate this place.

As a young man I tried to impose an external standard on myself and I changed my mind since adapting to reality standards conflicted my ideals, it even felt bad. And like for my sleep the "problem" is mental. The conclusion? Thinking gives me adaptation problems (like thinking gives me sleep problems (and I said thinking, not imagining, in fact, imagination is my key for a good sleep). As for the expression it took, it was nervous related too, but instead of getting monster spasms, I ate my fingernails and cannibalized the skin of my fingers. Then there is anxiety, I refused to embark because I've always known my best, the fate of my path, was a long trek ahead, and my job for a long time would be to drag an always growing baggage. I had to choose a path where I would live in peace of any pressure because that's what I needed, and I want to live my older days in peace too, because I should, because I'll have delivered. In a sense, everybody can take a certain quantity of stress or anxiety or pressure before it is reflected in bad personality or physical traits. So those can as much be an effect of the adaptation process with reality, as it can be an effect of the fight against it, all in all; a bad reality stresses practically everybody, unless you become genetically acclimated to it. But it's not necessarily visible because its forms can be both physical as well as mental; but it's as hard living intense mental stress as having it from physical intensity. And that's how I see it; knowing and thinking about knowing, and wanting, and size. It's like feeling an invisible path; I know it's the path I have to take, but reality is visible, solid, the only place I can really walk, so I need it to make my path solid too, and that's a bit gigantic as a quest. Anyway, your goals in life, the size of them, and your success at attaining them can cause much stress, or anxiety, and while my hands are not the source of my stress or anguish, they are available to gnaw upon when I'm living troubled emotions or difficult thinking. This reality causes me anxiety because I'm in total mental conflict with it, my ideals give me great stress, and I've had my share of physical stress too, but nobody will thank me for not being a fearful sheep that only seek to adapt to reality and profit from life...

So instead of following the standard "forced" path, I decided to follow the other path that haunted me, try to make some sense of all this storm in my head of which I couldn't easily talk about, by giving it a conclusion in the form of a project, and this book (s) is a part of it. I would give what I think is my true developing self, the life expression in me, a minimal serious 10 years try; if I can't make enough sense out of myself then I will say it was some kind of successful inversed psy therapy as I'll get a job, go back social, stop complaining, accept this reality, strive to stop thinking as I have a problem in my twisted head, maybe even take some chemicals and profit from life as much as I can for the years I have left. If however I generally make enough sense and publish, then my therapy will be a failure but I'll be proud like nobody in human history, probably... Well, something like that, what can I say, I never like psy vision of things... Furthermore, I tend to come to many conclusions contrary to what I generally hear or see, and just a little of that is big trouble...

One thing's for sure, you'll see I'm not very impressed by this reality and its habitants, and I can turn almost anything in it to a better view. I will judge everything and everybody, I will blast at everything and everybody that don't please me, and I'll be particularly hard with ego people and gangs, people who took the means to make the selection to their ideal... But it will be dangerous since most have susceptible, violence and brainwash using, "god" leaders with throngs of brain-specialized and sufficiently well taken care of, admiring workers followers...

People want so much to have a job, or money, they encourage their flags with almost all their time, losing their human qualities for the fulfilling of their implanted goals or to satisfy their unfair "gods". People are becoming perfect vegetables encouraging the ideal system for themselves, the selection is made, one not making any human sense, except when there's a cataclysm, for image; always preserve appearances, then let's have a party, life's so hard lately, but things will get better. Unconsciously self-proclaimed slaves thriving in their PMBBD and the stronger the attack to their PMBBD, the higher the chances you'll get yourself bloody. All is left are saved pretty images on television and snapshots of boosted moments on internet that don't reflect the truth of the people.

To add to my troubles, I ain't got much of an education, English is not my language, and I have nobody to help me with it either. So for many others, my writings will be too...uneducated, not ordered the right way, or too bizarre, or dark, or heavy, or defective or profound or whatever else of all those negative not standard things that, they'll say, make a bad book people shouldn't read. And I'm writing a lot under candle lighting to feel a bit more retarded at it, this came from a sarcastic joke to one of my proprietor who told me I cost him too much in electricity; I had a bunch of big church candles and lighted them all over my apartment when he came to collect...I started using them (one after the other) while writing the paper version, and I came to like it better than "artificial" lighting; I seem to feel more in my bubble. I'll add that as a joke to hydra Quebec too, since even though we have so much electricity we don't know what to do with it, we are continually harassed with pubs to go cheap with it so they can sell more to the States until the day comes where they'll sell it more expensive to us... I like to be well heated in the winter and well cooled in the summer, I'm poor, and naturally in this reality I'm supposed to be the first one culpabilizing for my bad habits, if only I had one, surely not the rich gangs running hydra Quebec! So candle lighting is my effort to save power; I'm not a profit machine, I'm not a criminal, I'm human, a legal citizen and I'm worth a minimal standard of living! But I guess we made those barrages as a profit source to enrich a gang eternally, not to make the life of people better...

The same for the phone, I don't want to pay 25$ a month for a service that's almost of no use to me. But the truth is worse, I was paying 25$ a month to receive harassing calls from publicists and from bull Canada's collectors since I decided to keep a debt of 50$ forever as a protest for them cutting my line by "accident" and forcing me to pay reconnection fees. So I'll pay interests forever and they'll have a lot of fun cutting my criminal line every now and then to force me to pay the ridiculous amount and new added reconnection fares to no avail from my part. I owe them 250$ in reconnection fees. I eventually cut my line to stop it, but I hate them and I eventually got so tired of their continual harassment that I answered the phone with a question; "are you bull Canada?" yes, then I hang up, or I tell them that I'll know to the end of my life that I'm supposed to pay, that they don't need to harass me. Sometimes it's 3-4 times in a row with different personnel for the same result; they must spend a mighty big amount for their collecting service (is that a service?) and spend a lot of line bandwidth too! But we're in Canada the awesome...

I called the police and asked them exactly this; "if I owe someone a hundred bucks, can I call this person 2, or 3 times a day to get my money back?" the answer is no. The next question is "can I file a complaint if someone do it to me?" the answer is yes "then do it for bull Canada!" Bull Canada? You can't do that to Bull Canada!" What is it? Are they untouchable? And I don't know what the inferiority complex of the policeman is, but they seems to like very much to end the conversation insulting me about my intelligence, while they're the ones who are supposed to be farm animals! But we can't tame their ego superiority too much with such countermeasures, since guns and tazers are not enough, money hurt too, so be careful not to be too emotive in your emotive moment, and cops have a tendency to make one emotive... So I guess they are just very perceptive of one's intelligence and they can easily deduct my low IQ...that may be why they always ask if I'm taking medication when I meet them... But don't worry, I'll hide it well enough in my writings, enough so you'll actually think I'm brain enable! I'm such a cheater! I'm cheating intelligence! But sorry, it's intelligence that's cheating you through a moronic me, and it's actually hard to understand, but I do, and sometimes I laugh, and sometimes I despair...

But I'm bad with them cops, sorry, and things may have changed after 2000, and it's a good thing there are more women in this profession too, since I believe they can have better emotional judgment (even if they generally are more emotional). In theory they should better understand the worth of profound values too, depending if they control their ego well, but they are worse than any men at it when they're not... I like to imagine women's intelligence as a bit different, more feeling, more instinct, more connected to life's principles and values too, but I wouldn't start debating it in this reality... As for my complaint, I ended up answering "I don't know who the most intelligent of us two is but I still..." they hung up before I finished my sentence. Did I say something wrong here? They tried to give me a contravention for walking the wrong side of a cycling track the other day, two of them to whom I had to explain the advantages of it and the danger of having my back to cyclists! But I guess I had to walk the other side, while almost laughing, like them probably....I don't hate most policemen for sure, even if I sometimes do the animal comparison thing for fun, which I shouldn't, in fact they are among the people I respect the most in this reality because of the idealism most would have wanted to stand for, which is mostly invalidated by the ways of reality. Still, my experience with them associated the pseudo-justice system is almost worth my revolt as much as poor Bull Canada. Poor Bull Canada, how could I be so stupid...

I eventually grew so tired of answering the phone only to hear the voice of their gremlins that at their first call in the morning I disconnected the phone altogether, ah! peace, now I'm paying for something! And they can find me all over the province to force me to pay an amount they owe me, no chance they'd do that with true criminals... So I awaited their next disconnection to put an end to this insanity, I waited and waited but it never came, yeah, they have competitors now! Competition is so good, no way would they lose someone to a competitor! So one day I decided to ask for it, and I'll eventually pay the 250$ I'm supposed to owe those criminals, no need to go bankrupt a second time I guess (you don't need to owe much money to go bankrupt in this reality by the way, you just need to keep a debt, and principles mean nothing unless they profit someone, and this can be indirect; your good principles cost less money to some rich, that's all. Or I could say good profit evil in this reality...).

As for that cyclist thing I was talking about, what's worse is that I'm the only one walking against the flow, everybody is so brainwashed and skipping their independent thinking, or probably unable to think altogether, that they follow the order of things or laws blindly, even at an increased risk to their health. They prefer cyclists zipping past them without a chance at avoiding a collision than to go against the flow and have time to react. Some cyclists even insult me for doing it while it is an advantage for them; how many packs of cyclists did I give more space to by my attitude? One thing's for sure; if that is a reflection of the workings of the mind of most people, then it looks very bad for the future of humanity...or you could look at it this way; people are so terminally selected and dependent that they prefer to unconsciously follow the order of things or laws until it's too late, thinking they're discharging the responsibility to authority, than to make a personal mind effort to see things coming so they can steer away before disaster, accepting their human responsibility, not authority. Don't make a bad trip if I'm extrapolating a little, besides, I'm not a scientist or a psy or a politician; I have no expertise, I don't know what I'm talking about.

Why would I walk on a cyclist track anyways, there's sidewalks for that! Because I live in a place where there is an old red brick paper industry between my apartment and the city, one that stinks a lot and drop chemicals on my head and in my lungs, yeah, gotta talk about that. I know what wood smells, I lived my youth near a wood mill, and this is chemical smells mixed to wood smell. And you can tell me I'm smelling vapors all you want, I say vapor don't smell unless there are molecules which are not vapor in it! And you can say it's clean and top tech all you want, I say you don't keep an ugly polluting industry like that forever within a city, particularly one that stinks and rains soot all around to the point you pass your time cleaning the things you leave outside and smelling it in your apartment. The worst is that an environmental institution took samples of this dust all over the city and discovered it was toxic beyond any acceptable levels, and 10 years later nothing changed. Now, you got to wonder why someone like me is living near such an industry, and near gigantic petroleum tanks; what are these things doing adjacent to a residential sector? So they decided to pass a cyclist track through the place and it never crossed their expert and competent and expensive minds that it would be a good idea to add some space for people on foot even though there is space for it. If you don't want to use the cyclist track, then you have to walk around the place for a stupid detour that doesn't make sense. Furthermore, those trains, apart from waking up thousands of people anytime any day by their blaring, sometime continually for an hour (they slacked on that lately), they stop right on the cyclist track and stay there, sometimes for 15 minutes, until someone comes from far away on foot to make the manual change of track like we're still in year 1800, and you can't pass quick style since there is a watcher nearby ready to insult or call security if anybody challenges his authority, like I'll break my fucking ankle right there and lose consciousness and get crushed never reaching the other side; funny they have a watcher not far all the time, but the guy possessing the science to successfully make the change of track is "always" minutes behind...And it is still funnier being stuck in a platoon of frustrated cyclists cursing at the ridiculous situation...But it's still better than the 2 km detour...I just don't understand why they never made an optional overpass, I'd even make a bike acceleration special for the sport type...Anyway if it was just for me I'd rebuild the industry somewhere else, rework the whole train track system, the terminus is cool though, and expand the port, and or build something nice water and Quebecker related there.

Typical some will say, but can you beat a highway that had no use because they were so wrong in their calculations it ended straight on a mountainside? I know these are mistakes I should laugh about, I's super funny, LOL! But what bugs me is the touching of the mountain, was it necessary? A piece of highway is a costly thing, why did they act like the highway was their million dollars red carpet? Jacked 50m in the air, "gods" advanced toward a vague mirage, until they could pat it with their hands "yep! Mountain! Are we doing the same with our system? Building it straight on a mountainside (or precipice) even though we can see it will end there? Spending trillions and working like crazy to reach the absolute failure? They did the highway to the mountain like it was very important they touch the finality of it. After 30 years of no use they finally decided to destroy the whole thing; maybe the same will happens with this reality too...

Another example of the weird of my city is this big heavy, iron marvel of a bridge we have, maybe we should demolish it someday, before it crashes unto itself. Nothing is eternal, whatever it's impressive! I prefer old marvels crumbling to save money than seeing people living in misery. But we have a wonder of the world to spend money on, every city must have one, it's supposed to be good for our sense of belonging, nationalism, increasing our pride level, things like that, but it didn't work with me it seems...Anyway, it's wonderful and all, but all I ever heard about it is this never ending debate as to who would scrub the rust and who would paint the thing, and when you look at it, it's evident they're not efficient... But I won't discredit its value too much since it was made at a time when such things were very rare, and even if I don't like to, I'm a bit of a nationalist and this thing was probably one of the great marvel of America at the time, and it was made purely from Quebeckers in all its facets which is a feat I'm very proud of, in my nationalist bit...

It's not because it's old or impressive in size that it's pretty or good, or need to survive forever, it's just like the pyramids, for me they are monstrously big triangular and square arranged piles of rocks with a complex ant hole for godly cadavers in the middle, I find them ugly even if they are impressive and hard to build, and even if the nationalists there are proud of their marvels of the world, I'd clear the space of this mound anytime even if it was Picasso that made the hieroglyphs on its walls! Furthermore, its size and meaning invalidate any artistic view and it is an insult to anything making sense. What's worse, I don't like such things made in the name of a religion, and particularly at a civilization level, like enslaving a whole civilization to a religion of death and the building of tombs as a condemnation to die. The sphinx is better since it's somewhat of an artistic thing from the beginning, still, if you asked me to crush a bunch of humans or the sphinx, I'd crush the sphinx anytime, even if a million people spent their life building it (crushing the people or the building, that is one question, but building the thing is always a forced investment, while crushing is a choice, so you would normally crush the object, but there can be many exceptions to that).

So those previous examples, which are the kind of things you can find in any city (and I could find worse) show that, as I became adult, I associated things more in a living manner, and while I like my city, understanding its wrongs in my way contributed to my philosophy. Presently, I'm just starting to give you hints of my thinking through minor things that are important but not critical in the list of troubles humanity is in from having a bad systematization, but accumulation gives irreversibility at some point... One thing's for sure, my priorities are not the same, to me there is an order to things, priorities, principles, goals, and the first and foremost priority of everything is thinking wide and acting toward the conclusions I get, and I don't see much of that in the current human civilization; we react and do damage control while building eternal or condemning pyramids with an ego superior on top, we're overloading the place with expensive to maintain gigantic pieces of artistry we'll want to preserve eternally while people die of poverty. Such paradoxes make me believe this system won't last in part because it was built all over the world in the wrong order with the wrong priorities.

Continuing on the same track, even if it can't compare, I've got a cat here, it is infinitively smaller (takes a lot less space), it is living, it is infinitively cuter, and if I want to see it big, I just stretch on the sofa and let it tower above me, it will give me a show of cuteness no twisted sphinx with a face can surpass... What I mean is that the pyramids and the sphinx are a waste of time and insignificant besides the smallest bit of life, a civilization that thought about it and decided to build such things as a priority is condemning itself, one indirect way or the other because the leadership structure is an ego competition of show-offs manipulators.

Some may complain that I like animals better than humans, but you'll have to read a lot more of my book (s) to understand how I see life and good and evil. For now I can tell you that a creature without much of a consciousness capacity is far more limited in its negative effect toward life versus the positive, and it generally can't bear responsibility, which is our job (or proportional to reality morphing potential), another thing I should mention is that I see life as an energy transformation machine to reach goals. There are many complex factors coming into play when judging the worth of any living being, I won't expand on that just now, but it is the high consciousness specie that should bear responsibility about what can be changed, and that's why the guy is at the top of the energy chain, consuming the most life energy for his existence. So his actions toward life advancement must be worth the investment in resource and life consumption which is ridiculously not the case presently. The mass, the selection, is working toward the failure of (solar) life, and it is quickly becoming irreversible is my belief, so it is not thinking time, it is action time, time is absolutely critical. Furthermore, I believe its mind is fucked by the historical pressure to satisfy the most ego people, ego emancipation competition, the ego-gods ideal. And since the mentality of the resulting selection will never change since it is stuck in a wheel of self-justification and reinforcing PMBBD, or they will never leave space on earth for a different mentality to grow, whatever the tool they use to self-justify, like Democracy, then there should be no respect from someone like me, no pity. I still can appreciate many people, fall in love over and out, but life is now the supreme entity to me, I'm its greatest creation, and I'm absolutely proud of solar life, I live my life in its honor, I'm sure it can be among the best in the universe, I want it to reach its goals, and if its ultimate form have taken a wrong path that I can prove will compromise its success, then I'm ready to take my responsibility, take the appropriate demonizing attitude to select for another chance, but you can bet I'll know what errors I should not repeat...

I was talking about Egyptian "art", I'm living in the year 2000 and I've got a memory stick here, there is a game on it and I don't need encouragements to enjoy the work, or the artistry, you don't need to publicize it as a wonder of the world, I can pass days immersed in a beautiful game but I wouldn't pass a day kicking rocks around a pyramid... And nature is far more interesting, impressive and pretty, a continually changing painting of good taste and life, with secrets that will forever stay out of our reach, that's why I'm not strong on painters who freeze nature, it's not as good as the true thing, but I wouldn't compare too much a dead, expensive and small thing made out of a living, free and vast thing I can walk in, it's just that I'd prefer to spend my money preserving nature instead of buying a painting of it, nature is life, I won't exist if it disappears. Or I'll buy a game instead and I've seen moments in games I'd gladly put a frame around and hang on the wall, there are snapshots of unbelievably good art for any tastes in there. I don't hate painting for sure, and it is critical to human evolution, it's just that I have better uses for my money, and in a sense, painting evolved, changed form at the ideal moment when a lot of it was becoming worthless yoga barbouillas made out of academic expertise copied from someone that defined the genre in old times, some of which is hyped senseless in positive opinions while my opinion sees a lot of it as nothing more than principles of form and meanings learned at school; strokes of paints trying to reflect a feeling don't impress me much...And I'm not strong on making dead things out of living ones, I understand talent, but I can simplify tremendously your work by taking a snapshot, what I mean is that I don't know why people are publicizing painting so much or lamenting it's not popular or that money doesn't roll in...Nothing wrong with paintings of any kind and making money out of it, but I debark when you create a bullshit science of painting, publicize it like crazy, exaggerate its value no end, describe how flabbergasted you are about this relative or suggestive form or that, associate all kind of feelings... When you start using PMBBD I start calculating and judging the value of things, what is the part of every factors involved in calculating value and at what level do I limit my comparisons too. Since money is human life energy, I got to limit my comparisons to human things even if I could say that for me, clouds are more interesting and life is the greatest artist; a single simple worthless insect I crush by inadvertence is more of a piece of art than most paintings...(the result too...)

Personally, the most interesting paintings are imaginative ones and that's why I like game artists so much; they imagine, invent, which is more complete as an intellectual skill, better than a few godly skills you can stuff in a robot or a Kodak at least... Anyway, we are becoming a museum civilization so much we are stuck in our ego, we are creating an unbelievable monetary black hole with history while it will become incredibly hard to sustain all the structures we are currently building, particularly since a lot are fantastic show-off things for artists. We condemned ourselves to that, there are billions of people with camps instead of homes and we are already twice too many, if I wanted to exaggerate I'd say it looks like we are decorating the interior of our tomb; when we'll have spent too much energy, resources and money making a museum of the earth and taking care of it, there won't be enough left to bring life to other planets, all we'll have to do is die in our "beautiful" tomb which will not stay beautiful for sure whatever starving people pass their life preserving it in their jaw hanging admiration of rich people. I'm exaggerating, but this reality's priorities are all wrong and the value it give things and people is based on values that means nothing good, it is not a reflection of a good way of thinking. Painting is insignificant in that, and I know nothing of painting, but the day I'll need to go to school to learn how to like it, I hope I'll die in an accident going there...

The same for the pyramids, you can tell me they are fantastic, extraordinary, wonderful, incredible, ("awesome" for Canadians) that the civilization that built them were great electric geniuses 2000, write a book about every brick, make a science out of it, drag it to school and spread the news all over the world, for me they will always stay an impressive pile of big bricks that means sweating, they means death, they means stupidity, they means religious enslavement, they means civilization waste, a civilization tomb, and lastly and not the least, the biggest signification is that they are an unconscious message to the human civilization as a whole showing that any systematization based on ego will die while building their tomb unconsciously. Many civilizations died giving us this message, life prefers a lost tribe in the woods than a whole civilization built on ego, so the message has been given many times under many forms and that's it. I prefer to see resources and energy spent toward life as a priority than impressively big marvels I will see once in my life while needing publicity to tell me how great it is, or entertainment which is so publicized we move by the million for it while it's a fight just to get a few thousands moving for life. And I'm talking priorities here, whatever entertainment and big things are critically important to humanity too. As for form, I'm a wheel kind of guy, pyramids are for the realization of your worst fears, wheels are, well, they're more fun, they move for a start! But that's for reality, philosophically I'm a balls kind of guy...

Next, no psy for me, no religions, no culture, etc. Even if some of these things can be good, I'm the boss of me and nobody else and I'm not part of any groups; I take free knowledge, try to see if it's true and add it to my limited experience of living to form my judgment of this reality I've got to live my life in (that's the simple way to see it). If it takes half my life to have a good idea of the ways and truths of it because of the fantastic amount of simple and complex communication propaganda, manipulation, bullshit, brainwash, disinformation (PMBBD) intermixed with everything, so be it, I'll reveal as an adult at 50, and I will prefer to pay with my life than to bow to it.

I choose my actions after I get the knowledge I know I'm supposed or entitled to know, and that is anything concerning my wellbeing and the wellbeing of humanity and life in a global sense and its future. What someone does with his life that doesn't affect negatively either of these by his ego is not my concern. If an ego postpones knowledge, or hides it, or manipulates it, or renders it useless or unattainable, or makes it more complex or destroys it altogether, then this person is my enemy. I know I just made myself quite a few, almost all of humanity in fact, but it is so because I'm the boss of my time, my time is my life, and wasting it because someone plays ego around with the knowledge deliberately set me on the track of revolt. Evidently, there are exceptions to that, like global judgment, but that doesn't apply to this reality, I'll explain why later.

I had no choice as a baby to do as everybody else and soak in the world around me, the last thing that interested me was questioning the truth of everything; I was not born the fist under the chin for sure, or the fist in the air for that matter.... Yet, later in my life, I decided to do just that; spend an absurd amount of time questioning everything. Then I decided to be a reflection of my judgment of this reality, implementing these thought I found worth it, in myself before I'm too old, and in my own vision of reality. This decision would lead me to a personal war against PMBBD, ego, unfairness, pressure selection, religions etc (my fist went from my chin to the air?). Even if I would come to somewhat understand why people accept, or tolerate or endure, or adapt to this reality, I can't do it because I'm a man of principles, convictions and an imaginative, idealist, realist, artist at that. That's enough to condemn me to nothingness, but I can't just die without a fight; I have the right to live because my attitude is based on a consciousness recipe, and I try to do good even if I made myself different. This reality can't make me happy, so I'm sorry but I'll fight my own way through it since I believe I'm worth it; to be or not to be.

This is artist's stuff too; it's like a big intellect painting with all kind of colors and exaggerations, it is a continually growing opinion of this reality, a book of dreams and imagination, emotions, even revolutionary traits, all mixed in my self-invented spirituality. And I am the incarnation of the painting, it is my soul, it's about me trying to make some sense out of myself, life, love, this reality and more without being pushed around as I'm very good at doing it myself.

Now, as you already know, ideas, judgment etc are not successive things, so this book (s) won't be orderly systematic; it will have chapters to separate global subjects, but you'll have all kind of overflows in them. It is going to be easier on me too as there is quite a lot of things in my head, and letting it go over the line of the subject will permit me to write the better part of it. This mixed and long introduction is a good example of what I mean; like it, there will be parts you'll like, others you'll hate and wandering stuff too.

Then there is the fact that I'm a French Quebecer (wow! I just got corrected on this one! We exist! Probably my word processor has mistaken U.S. for awesome Can. That may be why some words don't want to stick together...), without much of an education, writing in English without much of a vocabulary. But don't worry; you won't encounter tabarnacs, caliss, esti, ciboires, viarge, sacraments and the likes. Yet, I find it difficult forming phrases in another language, particularly when I'm surrounded by 3 variations of it, superior British, awesome Canadian and powerful U.S...And this difficulty is exacerbated by the fact that now that I'm done with the paper, I'm typing with one finger while seeking the letters on my keyboard, not much faster than with a pen, but I have the time to ask myself such questions as "where was I again?" Ouch! It's painfully laborious, but I get some of my mistakes corrected and I'm getting better. I'm limited to cheap dictionaries so it's possible I invent a few words which I guess people will understand, but I won't do it on purpose, only if I can't find an alternative that can effectively keep the meaning of the French word I'm traducing. Writing it on paper beforehand may have had a good effect for such reasons.

I write it in English because that's how I am; when I find the necessary argumentation, which can take an abnormal amount of time in me, and take a decision, I consciously try to implement it straight as consciousness. It's the most difficult and long form of brainwash, but it is personal and infinitively better for it. In other words, I decided to be what I decide to be, and then I live or die with it, but I still can put a lot of water in my wine, depend on the situation. So, whatever my lack of experience at writing in English, once the question was answered it became like magic, like my whole body suddenly accepted the finality of it, no turning back, and I'm always impressed to realize once in a while that I'm actually writing in English, and it works! I even deduct words that don't exist!

Among the arguments that decided me, is the fact that the rare books I read are in English (U.S.) (rare because I'm without money in a French place, and in English because good science fiction is rare in French, for all kind of normal reasons). I read science fiction because it reveals a will to go farther, a reality associated imagination I can't ignore, I look at the stars and I like better people doing so. (In my imagination, I know stars are little lights at night, but I do look at them, more and more as I grow older.).

What's more, English is international and I'm not much of a nationalist, I like to think flags would be better carried differently than for nation competition. I think it best to have 2 languages, an "international" one and a "cultural" one, but the international language should be good and not desecrated to and fro, and that includes the sound of it; languages are music to me. It is somewhat how I like "cultural" languages too, as music I don't want to understand, I just like to listen to the "music", the flow of it. I do believe English is particularly musical as a language, but there is something wrong to it when compared to Quebecker, and I've never been able to quite put my finger on it, I'd say it is more distant or something, or superficial.

If I want to walk the earth freely, should I waste my time or brainpower or capacity learning 20 languages? Can't different self-brainwashed "cultures" survive while learning a common language? Is it so good to force barriers of communication in the name of cultural difference? Can't we have the better of both worlds? Besides, I skip talking to people so stuck in their cultural spot they don't care to communicate with the rest of the world. Minimize barriers of language and travel is what I say. But never think a "cultural" language is unimportant to me, words association to meanings and imagination, along with the way principles are used, form the equivalent of praying to me. Losing a single language is an extraordinary failure, but they must always change and evolve, they must always strive to become better, things appear, things disappear, wrong views, good views, and the academic way is not always the best developing way of languages. I even have a preference from long ago about writing; I always wrote in square letters, even when school pushed me to write in attached letters. I learned doing it well but without knowing why, as soon as I was alone, I was back to square lettering. I never thought seriously about it, but as I wrote the "bic" version of this book, I came to write real fast, then I made the effort of writing cuter, and in doing so I ended up writing half attached. The effect was gotten from the combo of writing fast and well at the same time, I didn't have the time to lift the pen between letters and it left all kind of round slash effects between letters, but that was too hard on my guy's hands... then why not have square letters for men and attached letters for women as an emphasis? It would fit with how I am a sexist, why not make a sex emphasis of hand writing? Nothing wrong with writing in square letters for women, but since attached letters are becoming quite a rare sight, maybe it would be cool. Anyway, you wouldn't do that in the libertine philosophy of this reality, some feminist or masculinist would start revolving about losing equality, or competition and jealousy would take over, multiculturalism would get in it, finding problems where there are advantages would become critically important, and homosexuals would make a parade for sure too since it's fuck all free for all! Soon men will stroll around with make-up and a string in the crack, if women or sumo can, you too!

Where was I again, ah, maybe I should feel sorry for writing in English but I won't, my work can't be exclusive to a culture. There are not enough Quebeckers anyway; both publicity and money go for classic authors or necessity ones (they'll notice I wrote a book 10 years later when some other country will talk about it...), and France French are not much interested in Quebec's literature it seems. Furthermore, I don't believe the Quebecker spirit will survive in this culture importing mania to eliminate our will to separate from Canada and to bring money to profiting people (like me). And we can do nothing about it since at the first sign of protest we are tagged as racist by people on Canadian T.V. or radio having the liberty to influence the form of our society with their manipulations. It may take some time, but we will eventually become an irrecoverable bunch of twisted people where more "races" will speak another language than Quebecker, a bit like Montreal. But don't worry, French won't disappear; only good old Quebecker will, and "good" makes all the difference here. And sorry for Montreal, but this city have been too influenced by Canada, and liberal and federal and conservative governments who made too much of a big emphasis on multiculturalism lately. I could even say it is a cancer on the province, because the same mentality is getting well implanted in Quebec city too, in the name of the economy, and my city is the last French city in America; soon there won't be a single French city anymore, all French multicultural all over. In fact, Montreal is not a Quebecker city anymore, it is an international free for all city on the territory of the province of Quebec and it should be made independent for it. But I'll keep it at that. What is it? You think I'm better keeping it at that? Like you think I have not enough valid arguments? Ok, I'll add 10 more pages of bad feelings, as an independentist, and you better read since you provoked me, but if arguments attacking your political vision are not worth your attention, or if your mind is set in cement, or you're scare to go denial, then skip to the paragraph starting with "To change subject", or better, just drop my work, you don't have the open mind necessary to appreciate. And know that I'll add 15 more pages of heated arguments about Montreal and Canadians and Quebeckers in the "A Place To Grow" chapter, since I can't answer to all the egos I'll hurt as I describe all what I hate and what I'd like within a pamphlet. Just know that I have the right to hate what is being done with our cities and culture, and to say why. And fuck you btw, it's not me that has the means to make reality to my ideals!

Multiculturalism was very limited when I moved to Québec city, but now it is developing to assimilation effect, even if it's still within tolerance limits of what I believe should be sane mixing, but this is increasing Montreal style. And what pisses me off further is that they vote for our future too fast; not so long ago we were still being implanted strong nationalism, we wanted to gain back our independence to develop our differences free of Canadian (British) malignancies, and I never understood how multiculturalism would help toward that, how? You think those cultures will vote for us going back independent? So they shouldn't have the right to vote about that. But "some" democratic government supposedly representing Quebeckers decided 6 months was enough to be considered a Quebecker, with a cheap test to see if they have an idea of where they are and if they can pronounce a bit of French (don't manipulate, I'm not talking about waiting lists...) I say they should be attached to our culture, and this doesn't happens after 6 months of living here. Maybe after 10 years for some, but even then a lot just gang themselves in a corner and never embark.

Anyway, Canada cheated at the most important democratic moment of our history, and Quebec ended-up under double mentality assimilation pressures, English and "cultural"; within 10 years the décor changed from a Quebecker city to a multicultural one. We were developing this city as a unique French culture place, the Paris of America, and today Quebec City is about the winter carnival, the homosexual festival, and the St-Jean Baptiste. And what changed? Multiculturalism, there was none of that 10 years ago, and now it is everywhere. How could they install themselves so easily while I'm being thrown to the streets? Liberal and Canadian government with big pots de vin, associated to media pressure selection, tagging us as racist and brainwashing people into multiculturalism like an extraordinary thing. As for the reason, it is mainly a way to continue the many cheats they did after 95, overwhelming the place with people who will in vast majority vote against independence if we ever do another referendum, because as soon as they hear "possible referendum" the Canadian media go insane, so now they have their peace of mind, since there will never be another referendum, thanks to the democratic game of cheaters. We scared them, they almost lost a coast, now Montreal is not a French city in majority anymore, that way we can't become a country, invalidating democracy, and they're doing the same with Quebec City. But didn't we win the referendum? I say we are a country, in fact, we've always been one, far before the British invaded us, we, Quebeckers, even called our country Canada. Canada is not English, it is French, and nobody gave it as an heritage to English people, and it is a shame that I have to call them Canadian, we are the Canadians! But I guess Quebeckers will do. As for their continual internationally accepted cheating, Canada dirtied democracy for us beyond repair and nobody in the world ever took our defense or exposed the truth, fuck the human rights crap, nobody cared we've been cheated, if they hadn't we'd be a nation, and we played their game here, because the truth is that we've always been a nation, we were here and building cities before they declared war, we have been imprisoned and made dependent without the size to fight back, without even the right to raise an army! But nobody cares, so I guess only god will dare set things straight, if there are still worthy Quebecker... So for those who think democracy is wow, you better close your mouth with me around, and I'm not finished with the best system.

As for the language, even if some verbal people will say Quebecker is thriving, it is not true, and they can bring their numbers that prove nothing to me, I'll shove them up their ass an kick their butt so hard they'll verbalize the true smell of their lies! Québec city is becoming exactly like Montréal, and this is the last French city in America, and even if I never thought I was racist, I feel invaded because I was born in Quebec and Quebec is my city! To add insult to injury, Quebeckers are tagged as racist by Montréal newsmen liberalists, doing opinion pools doing their job, while I witness the contrary, go ahead, find them racist Quebeckers! I never insulted or looked at other races badly; always been as courteous with them as anybody else, I even like their presence and I feel a bit shameful talking like that to people who had hope of a better life when they landed here, my problem is with the governmental goals. But that's without saying that I've been bumped into by a towering negro and pushed into fights by gangs of them pushing girls, could become racist you know...The same for English people (Canadians), I'm not the one having a problem with them, it is them who have a jealousy problem with Quebeckers, and at the point where it is today, we defend ourselves or we disappear in their hypocrisy. Personally, I could have a Canadian girlfriend no problem, but as I learned her English language, she will learn French if she wants to move to a French town, to show respect of my language and culture, and this is absolutely not the case for the Canadians moving here, they don't speak French, they even say they never will, they have no respect for us, and I don't know why I should respect them, in fact, their attitude should give me the right to deport them; you think some Canadian of Montreal can understand us and want a French country in America?

And those politicians still sing they want to make a country, when the opportunity will come, but they very well know it will never come again, it is the end of that hope, so shut-up with that and dismantle your fucking expensive gang of manipulators and profiteers. What will you do? Start cheating too? Yes that's what you should have done in the first place to win, hurray democracy! So go ahead, run around the world to import boatful of French whites with a contract saying they'll vote for independence, enough to make a competitive pressure against Canadian (Montréal) politicians to have enough to gain back our independence, or redraw the territory to reject your "lovely" Montréal brothel from the referendum, for a chance...We even have an expression for our assimilation; the Montrealization of the province is advancing, like it's some kind of spreading disease infecting the province.

And now that politics is a Montreal thing, which is highly influenced by Canada, our politicians are all only thinking of profiting and exploiting while keeping an image of saints through PMBBD. And all those expensive gangs of politician need more money, and more people is more money, and now that they're rich, they want even more, so let's fill the place and to hell with Quebeckers. But they made the system dependent from their kind, we are to be perverted and we will become because we can do nothing, no army, no guns, no pepper, no will, nobody in the world cares, and, with the help of politician ass lickers newsmen from Montréal, those who pass their time having an erection over this politician or that, who manipulate our opinion, we think politicians are good benevolent "gods" doing their best to help "their" populace they represent; we do everything the television people asks us to do, we are exactly what they want of us, but they'll say they poll people, yes, they poll the result, or their selection...

Media institutions influence on public opinions is tremendous, they decide who is worth attention, to the point of insanity if they can, like a royal marriage that will be publicized all over the world, you think people would be as interested if they didn't make it big like humanity would regret it to the end of times if it missed the interplanetary event? Newsmen don't influence who gets elected? Just look at the criminal history to see at what extent they manipulate people, to the point of revolt that don't make sense. In fact people are so susceptible to TV bullshit they'll follow and defend any trends they start, then I should trust their "independent" judgment?

But the superior race on earth is not a race, it is the rich and powerful, manipulators and profiteers, even if it is unconscious for most; political studies, they see too big and their unconscious push them to a path...That is, when they don't think they're indispensable saviors or make the world go round or prevent the extinction of the expendable population they made interdependent with themselves, that superior, and for that they are worth all what they cost civilization. That's the weight of history; those are our superiors, our examples, they represent us.

Then there is the fact that we are a "free" source of imagination for Canada; they profit from our production, brains, inventions, build English universities at our expenses, study in them at our expenses, do the same with hospitals, then go back Canadian and laugh at our debt in their Mc Lean magazine, even accusing us to be the most corrupt province of Canada (all democracy capitalism governmental institutions thrive in corruption, some more directly, other more hypocritically, but there are exceptions, revelations of leadership, whole hidden races at it (incapacitated in their best expression by reality)...). They come back when we do an election to influence the vote, while manipulating us and the world with their television studios in Montreal, the multicultural party city in "love" with the federal, the example city they use to "inform" the world about Quebeckers; why do you think Quebec and Montreal hate each others? Because true Quebeckers know what Montreal is.

There are more obscure things about which I always found the official story doubtful, like the only French military museum in America burning down. You know it's a museum, right? A museum that had no fire prevention measures? Like there's only worthless history in there? The only French one, and a military one at it, military, like people I've personally known to be quite paranoid about fires. And Quebeckers don't have the right to an army, so it was guarded by Canadian military people, whatever there were French members. But nothing suspicious, it's normal, museums burn down all the time... No proofs to contradict the official story anyways, and when you contradict the official story it can only mean one thing; you're making a conspiracy theory, and that's bad. Or is it evil? Or a crime? Feels like it...A mental malady! No, there's already a mental malady for when you suppose there are relations where there should be none you know, it's quite a general one actually, every police inspector suffers from it, and probably 90% of the population too...And anybody can have the power to blast me with these stupid argument every now and then, proving I'm both evil and crazy! So yes, every times I justify why I hate I have to ask myself if I'm doing conspiracy theory, or if I'm crazy, you never know...While "conspiracy theory" is a media manipulation bullshit final argument, you can't get out of it, close your mouth. Am I accusing media people of manipulating masses? Only conspiracy theorists would say something like that, or Hitler...Am I a Hitler kind of guy? That is the question...

So when a Quebecker is good at something internationally, like a winner at some sport, he is a Canadian, if not he is a Quebecker, and almost all the tech and cool stuff Canadians proudly publicize like they made it have a Quebecker name as the mastermind behind it, go ahead, look! We produce far more winner at sports and inventions within our little population than them with their big mouths! Which they pass their time using to insult our women as ugly sluts while the truth is exactly the contrary. Then they'll point at Montreal as an example, but the world don't know that Montreal is a multicultural brothel, not French anymore. I may sound like I suffer from racism, but the reality proves they are the racist ones, and they made people like me totally powerless to respond to their attitude. And don't come at me with the argument that I can't hate all the people of a nation, you just had to take the mean to make your nation respectful of Quebeckers! "Your" nation destroyed all possibility for French Quebeckers to have their own nation, racists, you attacked us, condemned us, and when we win with the tools you provide to gain back our independence, you cheat in all kind of ways and destroy all our dreams while dirtying our reputation beyond repair!

I goggled "Quebec girls" lately, and the top result was a message from a Canadian describing how girls from Quebec are all stupid sluts ready to fuck anybody, that Canadians girls are awesome, better, cuter, they have more class etc. Why was that the top result of my search? And what is this freedom thing when Google Canada blurt out such crap? That's what the world read about us? That's how jealous they are of us, they are jealous of French women, the truth is that they are probably cuter than Canadians, probably more intelligent too, and the sluts ready to fuck with anybody are Canadians, in fact, I'm quite sure Quebec's French women are among the most difficult girls to get, just come to Quebec city (not Montreal), you'll see excessively attractive girls everywhere, but you'll find them quite difficult to approach too. Furthermore, if you visit sex sites (it doesn't mean I'm on one, but let's say it's the lowest I went on my quest to meet a "Quebec girl" online, and I failed...) and limit your search to the province of Quebec, you'll find a ratio of 9 English girls for 1 French there, probably less. There is nothing to stop French girls from making a profile in French, or in English, but French girls are not on fuck sites, while it looks like all the English women x10 of the supposedly French province are there. I have nothing against people trying to have sex, but I hate when a racist Canadian try to give a false image of my culture, or try to spread a bad reputation about my type of people to the whole world, and don't tell me this crap is at its place as the top result of a search when I type "Quebec girls", but I guess it's not "Google Canada" for nothing... And I'm not talking about the autosuggestion effect here, so let's go, Quebec (like it's Quebec City) girls are sluts, put pressure, the new generation will prove it! But yes, I guess that if you are sufficiently moronic to post such crap then you can't have much better access than places where a lot of Quebec sluts should stroll around...what you confound with normal Canadian girls...(that's the kind of stuff I could have said to someone in a bar, and the result is always catastrophically emotive, I mean blood and broken bones kind of emotive too, the whole kit of total hysteria, I don't go in bars no more for nothing...). If you vote for me I'll dismantle Google Canada, and radioh Canada, and bull Canada, and the bunk of Canada and the Canadian Bullshit Corporation, and far more "Canada" stuff, but maybe not, it depends.

As the montrealisation of the province advances, the number of gray bars, saunas houses, "escort" houses, massage houses, all full of prostitutes, explodes too. The same for clandestine and legal sex dumps where anybody can participate in orgies as long as they have a few bucks and don't look dirty, there are parts of the city where the ass smell has become so strong I started making graffiti to express myself a little! Easily spotted pushers selling drugs and cigarettes to young people, prostitutes (escorts) advertising themselves, all kind of worthless people dirtying everything and looking for trouble; am I supposed to ignore parts of my city? Why should I let change I don't like spread because PMBBD and governments decide everything is allright and getting better and my opinion is worthless? I say I have the right to live in a healthy city, if I'm scared or if it stinks of piss or asshole, then I must clean, that's part of my human responsibility. Do I have to form an army and make it so that I feel in a good environment? If the police is meant to protects the system and the rich, if the justice system is a deal, then it becomes my responsibility to take care of things and I don't have the right to have a gun, or a prison at home or an army of psy or an army of cops, but I have a cheap knife so it will be very bloody and violent.

I may push a little, but I'm still disgusted of watching how big cities become, whatever they are full of wonderful buildings and good people doing things they're not supposed to need doing... And things have been proven from a thousand year, it is spread planet wide, what do you want more? It's become entertainment to you? You need it on the news to feel like you're better? You like prostitution? You like gangs? You like PMBBD? You like legal criminals? You like orgies? You like racism? You like prisons? You like courtrooms? You like poverty? You like unfairness? You like war? You like violence? You're dependent from all that? You want it eternal? Then you're an evil reality good people are worthless to truly change, or they are reaping hell as the world they are building by their tolerance, acceptance, adaptation, peace and pardon. It's just that me I hate hell, so don't be surprised if I don't defend it, and pardon me if I'm hostile to all the attitudes making and defending it, I like people, I have the greatest empathy, but I want to adapt to a paradise, not hell, hell is a place to fight evil, not get my mind proven weak by it, it is an opportunity to develop a paradise, not make hell invincible, ok? But I guess it is too late for that, many thousands years is far more than a proven failure, it's a systematization. Have some entertainment, watch beautiful things while you still can, tolerance, acceptance, adaptation, compassion, peace, you can spread a lot of evil with this stuff, particularly when people limit or contort their view of reality to be happy in it, with PMBBD, smile TV, pharmaceuticals, party, and controlled news encouragements...let it become irreversible in your cultivated innocence!

I want examples to follow, not examples to ignore, avoid, or fight against! You're just lucky I spend my frustration and revolt energy writing because I know how to make very effective bombs; for me this reality is at war against all what humanity as a word stands for. Have round eyes all you want! As for the province of Quebec, to clean this pitiful libertine crap believing itself so good and indispensable, we'd have to raise and train an army from the remains of the province; it is impossible and ridiculous so we are condemned to it. Anyway, I don't know why I persist with this nationalism, the Quebeckers around me? They almost solely gave me troubles, all along my life, and I don't mean your classic bitching problem, I mean a destruction special just for me, they have been a fantastic handicap, and that's the most polite word I could find, in all kind of ways, in all possible ways they could find in fact! They almost caused my death a few times too (no, not your classic lamentation, I mean broken neck, kicks in the face, 3 evident tentative from "innocent" car incidents too, etc...). But I'm still not a traitor to my own kind, I'm still courteous with everybody at first, it's just that I don't make friends anymore, maybe later, since it seems people like me better as I grow older, which may be related to my more peaceful attitude, I'm less of a vengeance guy, and I passed so long disconnected from people that personal attacks have become relevant simply to become a part of my story and developing attitudes; frustrated and jealous assholes are legion in this reality, why should I waste my intelligence fighting the few ones making a fixation on me? At worse than a loss at it, from my experience, particularly when dealing with your classic frustrated Quebec women (Mainly functionaries I should say, but that's a dangerous game I'm playing, a lot of Quebec women functionaries with their guru are really super frustrated, some are dangerous psychopaths who like calculating the destruction of every men that stand up to them or pisses them off, as long as they are under their grip, but I think that may be changing. And yes I met quite a few very good people, many exceptional girls too, but most just sucked my energy and spilled their frustration on me all my life, for all kind of sick reasons, and I took it more than bravely, instead of becoming an asshole like them I fought and I found so much deathly hypocrite jealousy that I'm still sick to this day...I guess it comes with the type of mind, the same would have happened if I had been a young rebel Afghan boy...Maybe not, I'm sure they have more class between themselves...Or is it because I'm too hard to understand for the simple minded with an inflated opinion of themselves? And when they end-up wrong about me they go nuts; sorry, everybody ends-up wrong about me, so you better not think of yourself too highly... But still, if the population seeks the destruction of the only ones that can get them out of troubles unless they become politicians, then fuck it, you can all die, why should I care? So why do you steer the good money away from me? Why do you steer the good women away from me? Sick competition? The Jesus syndrome of the atheist?

Anyway, I won't break your order of things, I'll be peaceful unless I end up in prison or a hospice... And I got to survive, because the big investment I made in myself makes me unique versus the selection that adapted, tolerated and accepted, those who live fast to preserve their trendy ignorance, so much they forget the important history they are a part of, only old artists remain, to pass to "modernity" as a semblant of superiority, because that's what media people wants. You can see it at our St-Jean Baptiste, which is Quebeckers' day, but it has become a day where all kind of old artists come make a show of nostalgia on an oversized stage; not a word, not a single word about our struggle to be free, nothing, while in fact they are the biggest moments of our history, just flags and flags and flags. It's become taboo enough that the only person I saw who had an emotional phrase in front of the camera that involved independence finished her phrase like she suddenly realized she was racist, it just lasted 5 seconds, I almost cried. All that may be manipulation since media people make a big emphasis on it, but I still feel shame, it looked like the greatest mass of submitted people you could amass. I guess the interesting part happened during the night, where the police arrested over 200 people who were doing little illegal things like drinking beer and smoking pot in non-predetermined areas... I'm ready to bet most of those people were independentists. So those who don't care no more are thriving while those who fight, those who refuse the leash around the neck of Quebec, are crushed and laughed at by sardonic empathy, it's almost a pity, really. In truth all those submitted people are losers, like all those who say they are Quebeckers and would vote against gaining back our independence; why are you against governing ourselves? What's wrong with that? Oh, it's the Canadian vision! And fuck the Quebecker vision! And too bad if Quebeckers suicide like crazy! If you were there when the British attacked us you'd have run in their arms for their vision? Sounds like what a traitor would do... If you don't want to stand for your history then be a nothing, whatever your own people pissed you off and the enemy gives you candy and affection. Why are you against having back our own nation? Answer! You prefer to be a Canadian? Go there, at least you won't be a traitor! You don't care except your limited lifespan that satisfy your limited pride? Then don't be surprised if I'm hostile, you shouldn't care! People who don't care and just adapt are not worth independence, logical...And if they're part of a country they're not worth a flag! Are you a little bitch that prefers to lick asses than to stand for your independence? If so then you can't be trusted and you're not worth my attention, except to crush you to nothingness where you belong. We had an option, the peaceful option, and all those traitors and cheaters eliminated that option, and now the only option is death and sacrifice, or we remain Canada's little bitch, thanks. Or maybe you see it as love, and you only need your Canada to say "we love you" once in a while to give it your best, but you're stupid; countries don't fall in love. Anyway, this sick love version is more akin to Canada having its leash around the neck of its Quebec pet. Now, I'm not talking about recent people coming from other cultures to find a better life here, I'm talking about those who bear the name of Quebeckers. Not those who installed themselves elsewhere in Canada too, logically the most virulent defenders of the Canadian vision; don't say French is in troubles, they'll all get out to prove Canada is half French and bilingual, don't say you want independence, they'll all come to Montreal for a love show...

You can see all that as no more than a personal view if you want, I don't have to hate Canadians in the flesh, they didn't shoot me yet, and cultural interactions are never perfect; I'd even say they have more qualities than anybody else making it so we could peacefully coexist, I'd just prefer to do it as an "equal", or within a fair schema of reality. Still, I'll demonize the British for many reasons I believe valid, even if in a sense they filled a seat better or faster. And I know history is a bitch, but I'll be biased Quebecker if I must, why should I be biased British? Quebeckers are good living people, they are minimally no worse than Canadians, they should let us live in peace, with half Canada as a cheap sorry, yes cheap, want the expensive option? I think I'll keep that one for myself, I'll write what I have to write, invent something peaceful, then I'll take my hole and you won't hear from me again. Maybe I'll even go die in the forest with the Quebecker spirit while you all proudly persevere in denial to prove something economic, or that you can do your part to bury the hopes of your ancestors as you profit from their work while laughing at them...I'm just a weirdo going somewhere else, and you're just one sheep in billions all running in the same general direction, and you wouldn't dare turn around since you know you're not strong enough to skip getting trampled...So just see me as entertainment, or go jealous and charge, the black sheep is easy to see, easy to hate, and there's this saying that the nail that get out of your construction is the one that gets the hammer...

So I'm writing in English even if I don't like Canadians attitude (I could say Canadian politics, since I met many very nice Canadians in my limited travels, but politicians represent people no? no?). Another reason is that I realized the ways of English was a part of my developing global vision of things, I understood it was not worth writing if I was not able to write in English, it became a necessity I write it in that language, even if in theory it would have been far better in French.

Another part of this decision came from the fact that the original language a story is written in is always better to any translations and English is the most spread language. So I write in English, even if I think Quebecker is a little better to express emotions and feelings, and that's good since Quebeckers have a tendency to be emotive people when they choose to, I like that, even if I don't like how the reality uses it to its ends. But it is not the best for writing, in my opinion. Quebecker is more a language of talking, a people's language I'd say, and swearing, with the regression of religions, is losing the strength of its religious associations, yet, it can express 10 times more profound and complex things than a "fuck" which is sex related, but let's not forget parsimony is always of better taste... We have a hundred such words without a way to describe them and we have so much strange and profound expressions we have a hard time keeping track of them. I like French, but I think English is better for writing, and singing too since I understand both languages and I have troubles appreciating French singers, maybe bullshit emotions don't pass well in French, I don't know. As for English, it is getting "hybridized" from a lot of "cultural" languages too, so it's still on the move and can expand a lot. I would have a tendency to believe the best "cultural" languages are the most "emotive" ones which are nearer the people and life (in more than one sense since I believe there are communication steps that transform what we experience of reality with our senses as more fundamental information, and one of these is the transformation of what we express as language to an image or feeling form within our mind, but more about that in the "Life Infinite" chapter (book)). So I'm a Quebecker and by writing in English, I'm pitting what I believe to be strong feelings worth exploring to the main language of this reality to see if those feelings can be expressed in a strong and stable manner (kind of farfetched but that's the spirit).

Our assimilation in Montreal style multiculturalism seems inevitable, particularly since Canadian politicians are excellent manipulators and the world has been brainwashed to "love" Canada. Maybe our style is inadequate but I believe the contrary, and I say "our" because I met the difference in quite a few Quebeckers, as inhibited or as potential without social space for its expression I could say, so most have developed an attitude I can't stand instead. I would call it something like out of bound inventiveness, with a drop of Indian fire (Native sounds racist to me), and the price is a tendency to honor the system with a middle finger...but that's just one facet, there's snow too, and special women. Maybe I'm seeing mentalities that don't exist, maybe there's just me, I'm unique in this world, and I want friends, but I'll have to fuck Genghis khan style first, in a spot away from English people, and wait thousands of years, but that's not my style, I like the civilized version of love, and I like fairness too...Anyway, in the end, when the evil will be done, evident and irreversible, no culprit will be found, as it should be, they will be dead, or untouchable cheaters, too late. Only wrong political views will remain, which reflected the will of the selection of the time in theory, who adapted to it or didn't care is more like it. And people like me are made to be ignored, demonized, the whole system is supposed to cry every phrase, since nobody is supposed to feel bad in the best system of the universe, except those pointing at problematic attitudes. And who would dare write like me presently? Only me got what it takes, the selection can only be jealous since it can't stand criticism, except from their superiors, or those who prove themselves in their ego competition. We are creating a condemned humanity of popes, priests and unshakable believers who got the whole institution to back them up.

But to be fair to Canada's politics I got to say you got Quebec itself to worsen things with X as an assimilated traitor in "love" with Canada. That may not work as some kind of fairness notion, but at least there is more harmony to devise the form our culture will look like in the future, to reflect the will of the population I suppose, and you can bet that independentists and people like me are out of it. In fact, some political parties will even become traitors to their own reason for existence as the selection continue, in the name of keeping their salaries, dependent from a minimum of popularity. And no way out of it because the media pressure making the selection is super hot for the selfie revolution; bullshit, superficiality, it's all natural, it's how evolution works, in my sarcasm. And media manipulators like to contort everything to have a definition for everybody to live unconscious conflict to have well spread baby crying susceptibility from inflated pride! But I wouldn't care as much that they transform us into a multicultural free for all of people who don't care if I didn't believe we could develop as a culture with far greater mind abilities, something that is sure to scare those who understand that it is the greatest attribute to make humanity evolve in its best way, so I guess it is normal that we are besieged by jealous people, manipulators and profiteers.

To go back to multiculturalism, don't get me wrong, I'm talking about the base of the soup, the ancestral momentum, it doesn't mean new people can't mix in. An Arab could come to feel like me too, someday, because I see things as a matter of cultural race, I could be from the royal family and it would change nothing to my view, you know royal people exchange babies, right? They always do that, that's why everybody is doing the genealogy tree thing? The free money and glory is there (I have a complex taboo theory about them, but it's scary as hell).

As for cultural races, anybody can come to endorse the meaning with time, but it's better if some integrity about the original situation remains. So I don't see it as a permanent thing, a cultural race must change some with time, and the process is highly dependent from the percentage of different new people mixing in. I'll explain more in detail later, but for now I would say that a cultural race needs a basis of population that reflect an historical development, and there's a maximal mixing ratio to preserve a type of difference. For now let's say 30% is critical, and if you stay 10 years and speak the language then then you can start to get more profoundly involved in the future of the cultural race. (In the democracy capitalism business, nothing to do with a life reality). That is logical and nor racist, what is your vision? Fuck all free for all? Or baby making extravaganza in the name of racial competition? I make sense 60% free for all makes a free for all place, not a country, not a cultural race, it's a soup that will become tasteless with time, or becomes a rotting slurry. This mixing ratio can be higher for a big city, but I'm totally against big cities in this reality because they don't do what they are meant to do in any way, one facet of which is the creation of new cultural races; yes you can make such a thing, and the reality I'll design will have it as a dynamic process, and people will globally be happier for it, whatever the bullshit this reality will use to manipulate people into believing the contrary. For now, I'm sorry if I sound racist, but at least I'm game enough to play in the dangerous stuff, contrary to current government who are scared of pronouncing the word race.

And XXX is the same kind of traitor as X and XX, he will legalize pot because he knows the country is on the verge of serious troubles (around 2020, time for reelection...), and he wants all winning options on his side. So if things go wrong, it's because of potheads, it was a bad idea to legalize, but if troubles are not too heavy, then hurrah, people will be too frost and thankful to notice, or maybe they want a kind of sex revolution of the 60's to reach the ultimate step of the ego-gods ideology and the complete destruction of true love, possible, never underestimate moronic self-inflated evil... That is of particular concern to Quebeckers who would sell their soul to anybody for weed, but the government has increased austerity to such levels that I doubt they'll even want to legalize it, or they'll incarcerate (demonize) as evil those who grow it freely (not evil, just law, which is still a vision of good and evil whatever the manipulative bullshit), but not if they are big businesses profiting the government, they'll even add a tax... This man is the nail in the coffin of Quebeckers, only the name will remain just so TV people make a semblant that everything is ok, just compare to that other place, they're worse than us... Anyway, all those who depressed to suicide after the 95 referendum are dead, a new wave is ready, and they'll "love" the XXX guy...So let's see, any Quebecker that voted X is not, anybody that voted XX is not, anybody that voted XXX is not, going to continue reading my work, but that only concerns Quebeckers, if you're not forget about that...Oh, and it's a matter of having a soul, if my speech don't touch you a little, or if you feel insulted, or think I'm a racist, then you don't have the adequate one...or maybe you're an Inuit, or a traitor? You know what we do to traitors...

I think I understand why that Canadian literary agents said "very bad English", it meant I'm a very bad Canadian, and it was the true argument why they discarded my work, knowing Quebec don't much publish English books...

I always think about Inuits, I don't know why, maybe it's because they are a cold representatives of what I would have no problem calling a crime against humanity, many such people could have developed advanced civilization, but they just got "trampled" by another type that was different or driven by a powerful force beyond comprehension called a religion...I suppose many things, but when you have a written language and survive for thousands years, and look different, then why in hell are you still a tribe? We build vast cities, the rich even got an island world, why are the Inuit not having a big city? Or maybe they'd like to have a new place like your island earth? How about it? Ah I know why they're tribes, it's because they are like me, they need a kind of life spirituality to thrive, and this reality sure won't develop that... It's like a culture shock thing, and if the culture ends-up unimpressed by the attitude of the superior newcomer, then an unconscious blockage form leading to a sort of depression. Maybe that's happening to the whole earth presently, all the most sensitive (extremely important for good intelligence) are slowly killing themselves with time... Next, a lot of Quebeckers have Indian blood, and those guys are not "peaceful" or "submitted"; the Canadian government pays the high price for their peace, and they don't integrate this reality with the money, they prefer destroying themselves escaping it. And it is understandable, nobody should ever like to be treated like a quaint reserve by some other racist "superior" awesome race; you think Canadians would be happy if we inversed the roles? Yes, let's do it! I want all English Canadians to be stuffed in a reserve, now! Why not? What is your argument fucking racist? Go ahead, why not? And don't forget that most of our Indian troubles are English-French related, in contact between the two, and the natural tendency (or maybe the Canadian way) is to push resentment against the weaker; in a sense, the Canadian attitude is pushing Indians against us, while when we arrived in America, and until the British came, we had very good relations with them, even if we hunted some, but were all Indians peace and love saints? No, some were dangerous savages that had everything to become bloody like the Mayans. Still, we were friends until the English debarked, we even fought the English together. But in the end it changes nothing as we are in an eternal country competition race and those who don't fit in become expensive quaint zoos for television or scientists one way or another, for the English I mean...

English people acted superior and practically didn't mix with the Indians even if they'll try to suggest the contrary, they attacked and rampaged them for the smallest reason. In movies they'll try to suggest that the bad relations between them were due to an exaggerated reaction on the side of the Indians even if they had an apologetic attitude, which I'm sure is exactly the contrary that happened in reality. We are the ones who mixed with them, we ran with them, exchanged things, blood, fought the English together, and when the English debarked they made reserves all over the place, but maybe we would have done it too, I don't know. And that's what I mean by the Quebecker spirit, it is the conflict of a potential life ideology with an ego ideology brought about by the whites, as an acceleration of a process of evolution. But contrarily to the English, the ego ideology was not as strong in us, in big part because we were not big believers in religious stuff, until the English came and encouraged religions more strongly. And a reflection of that is the strong form it took through our language, we used religious sacred things and sacraments as speeches emphasizes, mainly negatives, and we still do today and I'm proud of that, it is in part how we are recognized as Quebeckers around the world. Religious institutions even tried to stop that by making it a very evil thing to use their stuff to pepper our languages, and instead of stopping, we just added a bit of funny to the names for 30 years, before going back full strength sacraments. And that may be in part why the life ideology took form in a Quebecker, and the whole deal is so complicated to me. Instead of choosing immediate battle I choose comprehension because I went far enough to discover that the 2 ideologies are involved as a process in the potential success of solar life, and what made me come to this conclusion is the understanding that the Indians were on the track of an ego-gods ideology even if they had stronger ties to life. Pseudo experts publicize them as devoid of possessing or jealous attitudes but that's not true when you study how they acted between themselves, and the whites with religions had some missing elements of a life-gods ideology, so the trick was respect and fairness which hardly ever happened. But that's just the simple view, I don't think people will ever understand how the whole deal is crazily complex and hurting for me, I started forced to a religion as a kid, I became an atheist as an adolescent, around 25 I developed and wrote about life as the supreme entity with a pen, at around 35 I pitted the ego ideology and religions as enemies of a life ideology, and at around 45, presently, I'm connecting the two as a single process. It seems simple like that but in my mind it's absolutely incredible, the emotions I lived through with each new piece of understanding are forever bigger, and the modifications I have to bring to my work are always more painful to the point that I fear to look back at what I went through mentally; nobody would guess that the first version of my writings would lead to the current one. I know I'll see my heart bleed in there, I'll see how fantastically lost and innocent I was, the pain in my soul, that's why I mailed myself a CD of the first computer version, it is for my love from the stars I like to imagine, she'll love me more for it, even if it's ugly, but yes, if psy could read it, it would put their profession to shame by revealing the power of a life-gods association to heal the mind...but I interdict it and they don't need it since the final result explains everything with far more competence.

So we're emotive people who always been under the control and pressure of Canada. Why can't we just live in our place in peace? Because ego people will settle in and start competing to death, since that's what retarded superior races do; they think they must own the world, eliminate all high consciousness from the universe until life is so boring and predictable that they have nothing else to do than fuck themselves to death, fill the universe to the top with their superior race or language, or they want to make inferior or servants of all other races, big tribes to whom they buy production at the smallest price and where diversity means it is a zoo of "sex workers". We compete or we'll be ruined by others and we must fight ego or it will ruin everything. At least we can say we have the embarrass of choice; innocence immersion in religion and sect diversity, results variable from ability to profit from innocence, use of PMBBD and pressures...The same we do with sex. I don't know what will come out of this but for now we buy churches to make parties in them; should be a clue... We just have a tendency to make "crazy" people...Like me? You may come to such a conclusion, and I could answer yes, in some way, as it comes in part from a self-imposed lack of "liberty", or imposed "liberties". In a sense, I imprisoned myself for my soul to survive for this result, yet, it would be too cool if it was a serious clue or extreme extrapolation of what could be happening to Quebeckers if they resisted and didn't sell themselves to this reality.

And they do resist, as they learn that hope ends-up insubstantial as nourishment for a whole life, the most sensitive destroy themselves to escape the pain, they resist to suicide as they watch the traitors scrap everything to hopelessness. And that's normal, the government provides no exit for their despair, only more pain by mocking the value of their fights with ignorance. Biafras in Africa prefer to die of starvation than to suicide, and in Afghanistan, yes that place, they fight like hell instead! But here it's everybody under the rule of the Canadian government, reserves included, so I would guess that having no hope for emancipation of your cultural race can be a part of it, patience just grows frustration and despair. Many people with their own languages and different but adequate ways of living are out of options, as they watch the economy, country competition, war and PMBBD machines engluff the world without themselves ever being anything else than a word in it. For Quebeckers we're talking a modern cultural race having big suicide problems, but we're replaced by "new blood", and yes, someday, there will be less Quebeckers to suicide, it's logical as the selection takes form, so it's not an important genocide, it's long term, like around 2150, beyond our ego lifetime; the way we're going there won't be much left of true Quebeckers then, it's the date I decided humanity would realize failure too, a coincidence?

From what I've seen at my experience in the streets, and the experience of my aunt at working with the poor, I'd say about 1000 people who were fine and had good potential die every year in the province of Quebec because they revolted, or were deceived, or got destroyed by manipulators and profiteers, one way or another. But that's only a fraction of the 2000 suicides we have every years (probably more like around 2500, statistics are not truth just because they are statistics; if science gets contorted by experts and manipulators, you can bet that statistics are manipulated too, and I wouldn't doubt a single moment that suicide rates are vastly underestimated to protect fragile minds from the truth...). One thing's for sure, they won't get better if they meet harsh horrors or nonchalant people when they need help from the system, and I mean any system meant to help people, you understand that?

So for those fine people dying, I'm not seeing suicide here, I'm seeing assassination by the rich and their system, and not only they know the situation, they even hypocritically push unwanted people to the streets because it works as a selection strategy, particularly for federal governments...but everybody knows the rich are good philanthropists that all girls should fall in love with, and people don't give a shit if it's not publicized like unicef for biafras in Africa... Anyway they'll say the poor have places to pass the night, which is true, and some are quite comfortable, almost street superstars, but many fine men get destroyed this way, and the women are very rare, why? Is it sexism? Or is it the system that compensates the suicide rate in men with duluxe prostitution (escorting) for women.

And I'm not talking about the direct will of governments here, since I believe a lot of Quebeckers are dying as an after effect of the 95 referendum; we've had quite a few federal traitors as government since then, I bet half of the people prematurely dying as adults voted for separation. Federal and liberal governments are creating the genocide of a whole generation that voted for separation by pushing them to family implosion, suicide, prostitution, or the streets, and with the help of media institutions, learning institutions and multiculturalism importation, most of my people have lost their mind to superficiality, gadgetry, smile TV, a job, some sex and a little evil to feel like normal or related, or special or borderline or whatever bullshit for on the spot feeling of superiority or pride, anything fake they copied from someone else that can give them a temporary advantage, or a cheap feeling of indispensability that can temporary fill their emptiness, because you bet they wouldn't dare live alone like me. And what can I do? They have the whole system interdependent with their ego attitude now, and they know it, and that's why they laugh at me while I can't touch them, worse, they'll get a crap psy education and become my social worker, like I'd need such a thing, then they'll decide my life from their crap judgment and give me tons of troubles, for ultimate irony... Then they go nuts when they think they are better than someone and find out they are not, it becomes a fixation because their unconscious want to run away from their brains, particularly when they meet a sane one thriving in a far more limited environment than their own, or when they meet someone strong enough to stand for what their unconscious desired, that don't accept or tolerate to be treated like a number or a tool to be stashed or controlled easily. The way this system is going, it will soon develop most people as assholes, and they'll thrive, and they'll fail everything for it, even the whole solar life, or out of sick jealousy and competition for finding that copying is not understanding.

That's why Quebec means almost nothing to me no more, neither is Canada, I don't identify to nobody while I'm proud to be a Quebecker, while I should be proud to be a Canadian (they say). And there goes the soul of my people, those who speak French American from birth, the mind is broken, yes it is, and my heart is broken too because I know the value they could have in a life-gods ideology.

I could say we are the victims of an ongoing crime against humanity, the mental perversion of a cultural race for better assimilation within the Canada, by politics, not the people I prefer to think, or is it a bad love story? Probably some frustration between the French patriarchy of the time and the British matriarchy of the time, the British wanted to see the inverse become true within the Canada, then war ensued to make it happen. Isn't that nice? Plausible. The problem is that the British imposed superiority and unfairness right from the start, not only that, they robbed us of our independence, they imprisoned us in a mentality that was not ours, perverted our destiny. We had a good start, we were civilized, our language was developing its own style, we mixed with the Indians, nobody like us around. But the British have a knack for messing in everybody's things, they like to choose the worst option and ways of dealing with people, I guess it's their path to superiority. I'm bad, maybe racist, but they seems to like to take an advantage and use it to cheat in unfair competition and make inferior of all other races, they don't want equals, they're scared of that, they want providers of imagination, production, prostitutes (escorts) or quaint reserves, creating the situation where suicide and depression becomes the only expression for despair, like they want everybody to suffer. I would guess their worst fear is to come face to face with their opposite qualities within a cultural race because they like it gay...Did I really say that? It comes with the ideology I should say, no gay special for Canadians, sorry (I meant a universe full of Englishes (themselves) with zoos)... My cultural race could have been it, the selection the French made, I think they found Indian blood invigorant, and the nature, and the snow, that may be why they fear us so much, so much they created the situation for us to be stuck to death in conflict within our own soul with no exit door to express it, or tools to understand it. Worse than their worse fear, we may be better meant to develop a conflicting ideology if life expresses its emotions more strongly or truly within us, maybe we have a better instinct to feel and reject unfairness, to feel the world; if we feel it is evil, then law no law go to hell, or only law can control us. My opinion is not super nice here, wrong I'll concede, and people change, even whole people, but don't think I'm supposed to idealize the people that made war to my kind and made us dependent, and that won't prevent my competence at pointing at the people who unnecessarily made my life, or developing myself, more difficult, either by their human attitudes, their systems, or their PMBBD (like saying I'm lucky to have a place to live, or that I profit from the system).

In the end, I think I prefer to see Quebeckers as still seeking their soul in this world, and being a bit more "dirty" may be a reflection of that, as well as being slower to grow a profiting mind. Canadians took the same attitude from their homelands and that's it, they shouldn't even be seen as an independent entity, for some irony; we are and we've always been, and I hope I'll expose a bit what makes this difference in my work because psy will always be incompetent at that, among other things, so I hope I'll help my people get more meaning with my work, I'd be proud of that for sure. And a little evil never scared me, or shouldn't scare a good reality, I tend to see reality as a living thing with an immunology system, and we choose to encourage and systemize, or discourage or minimize, based on our view of good and evil, or the ideology we unconsciously follow, but all that while keeping a maximum of possibilities open (freedom)(very important) so in fact, a lot of current evils that would get you incarcerated presently would be seen as legal or non-problematic in a life reality.

To change subject I'll say that I see the structure of this reality as a control for ego pyramidal reality of de-responsibilization and exponential injustice based on PMBBD, division and competition. Any of these words I'll use along with the word "reality". But the most fundamental view of it is an ego reality. I write for the bottom of the ego pyramid, it is my dwelling in an ego reality, where liberties are exponentially proportional to means. My liberties are very limited since I'm not a politician or an aristocrat or an industrial or a highly learned scientist or a highly regarded expert or judge or something, I don't have a million bucks in my name either, I don't even have basic knowledge as to how to write well; I'm at the bottom and thus I can only write for people higher than me. That means it will be difficult to be taken seriously or reach people particularly if I'm cheated of literary help and publicity. My liberties are limited to not much better than surviving appropriately to write, all the while knowing that wishing to affect the top is wasted time; they know too much, are too good, superior etc, but like lotto, if I do nothing then nothing will happen; I got to take the chance, maybe lady Gaga will get involved! Laugh, but never underestimate the intelligence of people who can manipulate masses, there are morons, but they're the ones most likely to revert (bring change) with competent force, and there's leadership there too.

As for experts, I won't use their superior terminology even if I could, I won't separate everything to a thousand under categories either; I'll write globally. Most of currently publicized leading experts are vastly overrated anyways, they don't have much credibility to me, they often don't even make sense, they are a source of PMBBD more than anything else these days. I have no choice if I'm to succeed at writing this book, I have to simplify, if not I'll have to lose years on precisions and learning every variations of ego and sciences and psychology and governments and reality etc, etc for no better effect. You can't judge this reality precisely, being careful of every susceptibility areas in a lifetime, so I'll shoot my way through the throng generalizing a lot. I won't talk of the spiritual bits of this book as mysticism, I don't give a fart about the science of mysticism, I write about spirituality to describe any, almost magical, positive notions concerning life that are out of the scientific domain while still making sense. With that, everybody have a good idea of what spirituality is. I talk about individuality and independence not self-determination science. I write about ego, truth, reality, not metaphysic science. I won't decorticate ego to its 300 facets, each with a scientific name, I'll write about its 2 main forms as a global thing. The same for religions; I won't start decorticating them, they are all the same stuff, they encourage a superiority ideal trough ego emancipation and their view of everything is a reflection of it. Religions are a pacification and manipulation tool to help an ideal, I baptized it the ego-gods ideal, ego associated to gods, humans taking the god (s) coat. Religions profit from good principles to indoctrinate, manipulate, limit, control and exploit people. They profit ego people by creating a peaceful, accepting, tolerating, compassionating, "loving" and pardoning population, they are a systematization tool which encourage a form of civilization to exist; one based on ego emancipation. That's somewhat how I see religions, so I won't waste time decorticating all the good notions exploited by these institutions. My enemy is the ego-gods ideology, ego inflation, superiority associated to godhood, invincible control structures (pyramids), systemized unfairness, I'll spit on this until you get tired. So my main enemy is not the weapon, the banks or police or religion; it is the boss, the one that took the seat of life, and I don't see it as something that has no use, I see it as a step, and now it's time to go beyond that or everything fails.

The same for scientists, I won't write about microbiologists, chemists, and all different scientific spheres, I'll write about science and scientists, and my definition for this book will be anybody making experiments, manipulating molecules, or studying things for manipulation. Is this view large enough? Maybe that way they'll keep some negatives responsibilities since I won't write a suite to make maximal profits; one book for each science invented to limit accessibility or imagination spheres and divert responsibility while profiting in all kind of ways. So I won't break my head in four decorticating responsibility; scientists invent, and often test, things in laboratories, get paid or recognized for their, sometimes, doubtful "truth" and to hell what comes out of it, they'll boast the good facet. As for the scientific methodology, it is good but it is too limited to prevent truth contortions, and it doesn't prevent low quality science from spreading doubtful discoveries as facts. And don't think yourselves too good when bullshit like 90% of my brains doesn't work reaches my hears, or when chemicals end up in my blood through drugs, medication, food, creams, smoke, soap etc, or when anthrax or an atom bomb fall on my head; they are invented in laboratories by high IQ people without enough good consciousness in a reality seeking profitability at all cost. Profitability, sponsorship, dependence, scientists seeking Grammies or needing money, all that doesn't mix well with the scientific methodology, that's why I'll attack many scientific facts with some new or neglected factors they didn't think about in their methodology. So I'll write about science globally and the negative things I'll say about it will mostly concern how their discoveries from their manipulations of life end up in our unconscious, where they should still be truths. And I'll emphasis life and the universe, my main problem is with their attitude with life and their affirmations about it, and the limitations they impose by their view of the universe while neglecting some of the most basic and evident phenomenon about it like the turning (why everything turns), one of the taboo of physical-universal science the way they deal with it. I'll readjust their limited superficial view about life's interrelations with everything which pushes them to omit all kind of factors in their studies, particularly the mental and comportmental ones, I'm tired to read that the human or life is like this or like that while I can find factors that were not considered in their methodology! But it seems I'm the only one game enough to question scientific studies these days...

The same will apply to the system, I'll call it the Democracy-Capitalism business because "they" say it is democracy, and "they" say it is capitalism, and "I" say it is a business. I don't care some expert will tell me it is not a Democracy, I know, I don't care some expert will tell me it is not Capitalism, I know. I don't talk about oligarchy or monarchy or whatever, I talk about reality, and I flush down the toilet the many books written by experts and praised by experts and publicized because normal people don't give a shit reading the stuff, they prefer to rely on them experts, and it is allright like that, unless the expertise is worthless. As for the economy I don't need a degree in economics to understand it because I just have sufficient arguments to know it is wrong and should be reworked from the ground up. I know what money is, I know how it should be used, I know my vision of it is good, but I know it can't work in the current reality too. It is one of the many condemnations of this reality so I won't suggest impossible changes to the reality that will change nothing, like experts always propose in their praised books, I'll make a new reality from scratch instead, where all the condemnations of this reality don't exist.

And I'll use the same attitude to write about psychiatrists and psychologists, I'll call "psy" anybody who got expertise about our mind, I won't decorticate every facet of this gang or that to end-up losing global judgment; they can do it themselves to defend their view. And I'll use the same attitude to describe any kind of gangs stealing something from me, whatever the form it takes, be it from profiting from exacerbated fears or innocence, or using PMBBD, or weapons, whatever (generally, the more hidden or manipulated the worst it is). You can give positive facets a maximum of exposure to modify my judgment all you want, manipulation or image doesn't work on me anymore, I'm past childhood, so be prepared to be called "ego people" if you are lucky, even if it sounds bad, childish and bizarre. Just know that the ego people I'm talking about are not children, our way of learning implies it is adults who must get a kick. And when they'll associate in gangs, I'll use the true term describing groups of people controlling others or their liberties one way or another and mostly having a negative effect on life; they are gangs, when I'll meet one that have a positive effect toward life's advancement, I'll call it a group, and since half this book is to reveal how I see this reality, I won't mix groups and gangs to create PMBBD, so you won't hear from those often even if there are many that are globally positive to life.

That is so because I'm a human and I'll never be able to give my opinion about this reality if I have to become a scientist or a psy of everything to tell it, I'm an emotive being, I write about life and good principles, my life too, how it feels in this reality, what it dislikes, what it dreams about, without a school to make it a science or expertise; I want interested people to read it. I write a personal vision of things from a decantation of feelings I have while experiencing the bottom, I write it before big media expertise finish-off all the truth of thing for their gangs. I'll write about what I think and how I see the future, and we'll see if I'm wrong or if I can beat all this expensive expertise manipulating the judgment of people to insignificance. I'll talk about these things globally in effects, you won't say I had a bad luck if my whole life is a succession of bad lucks in your best system dependent from massive unfairness to work...

If I don't express things as a whole this reality will succeed at finally taking all the different expressions birthing in the people to make control spheres mostly for profitability and work advantages and to make big knowledgeable books to divide and compete every little emotive expression in people until it is ridiculous to want true change, or the notion of a better way disappears to make this version of humanity as the final truth of it. I want the top of the pyramids to stop taking possession of the soul of the people by separating and dismantling everything into science so it can be mixed with the cement, or profited from, or emphasized to modify judgment. And I am not against science; I am against conglomerate manipulation of people from science, or elitism from precise IQ selection, or the closing of imagination spheres by pressure selection through wanted omission, separation, emphasizes, competition etc. So I write from the most boring, frustrating, lone and ignorant life you could find, a life with choices, mistakes, justifications, love, hate, dreams, imagination, pains, ideas, violence, ideals, preferences etc, etc. And even if I'll be hard to follow at places, you will not have to open a dictionary to read my book, I write it for humans with a heart and definitively not ego gods!

Next, I'll write a lot about life, psy can surely mix me a qualification for it, like I'll be making a life psychosis, but I don't pass my time playing with animals and insects, more like the contrary, I just use my self-created vision of it when dealing with it, that's all. I write my opinion about it, how it touches me, but when I see a bird, I don't go kaput, stall on the spot with a tear, "wow, life!", neither do I run to apparels, syringes traps and stuff to catch it while saying, "wow, life!", neither do I run to heavy armaments giving maximum pow and explosive noise saying "wow, life!". For me it's more like "wow, a flying fish, it's cute and intelligent and all, but no time for that, or I'm used to seeing them, but maybe I could eat it?" Then I'd try to judge if I have the right to eat it, if it's worth it, and in what quantity, even if I don't care since the only things I killed in the last 15 years are a few fishes. I can do all that inside a few milliseconds, easily from what I know without thinking about it, then I may decide to sit down, eat something else, admire and get emotional over it if I have time. But my tastes are not limited to raisin wine so I'll be happy if I can taste the organism, and well cooked; I don't care about the busted vitamin, crude or half cooked life disgust me except for grain, vegetables, fruits, well; vegetal, in which case I have the contrary tastes, I like raw greenery, whatever the vitamin didn't get liberated...Now, where's the vitamin to stay on my subject, well, maybe a chemical would be better for that...As for my vision of life, don't worry, it's beyond your wildest imagination, even beyond your god...

And whoever you are that will say what I write is psycho stuff, I challenge you to live the life of a poor man, they are everywhere, do it for 10 years, not one year that means nothing except an ego test, do it 10 years to have a pain on your limited lifetime! Write about your experience, what you'd do to change things so your negative experiences and the ones you witness won't happen to others, write about these measures you were strong enough to take to find a solution. If you don't kill yourself along the way, we'll see what kind of psycho stuff you write, we'll see if yourself 2000 is stronger and better than yourself minus 2000 that had no television, computer, dependences and painkillers (I know, some have eaten roots and glitter things...), anyway, not much of a structure to escape or modify their experience of reality, even if I'm out of context.

Apart that, who would need a little preemptive bombardment? You may think that because I sound or write weird and not standard that I should immediately bear no credibility on the matter of creating a new reality from scratch, but maybe you should consider that my prediction algorithm spotted your attitude in advance, I'm good at that, I call it my defense made of spikes, and I have created a special complexity add-on for your type of limitations, as I do with all the bullshit I'll meet, and there's a lot, that's where I wasted most of my brain complexity, wasted is the word, de-bullshitting is a straight minus 10 years of the best years of my life, and that's just a fraction of the price I pay to do it, and I'm not even started fighting it! Wasted imagination and intelligence, yes, or maybe not, it may have had to be like that, I don't scratch anything in the process of making life succeed.

So yes I'll have weird moments, you'll have to see me as a kid sometimes, and there is very "precocious" stuff in here, but it took root in hell, my soul is intact, so what if I've had a few weird moments or paroles? You think I should be god? Worse, your vision of god? Sorry but I'm not, I'm just a revolted terrorian, that's all, I never sold my candor, and your god (s) coat I can wear it anytime because I know its functions. My vision of powerful entities is another manner, you'll have to read my "weird" way of writing for a long time, because my (yes mine) theory of the universe is explained by blocks related to their main subject, and I like it like that, I think that's good for mental work flow...and I would guess it likely that an avid reader could get a brain overload, so I accept such an alternative effect within my writing, it's like my alternate work mind, did I tell you I have 2 minds? One that works fast and sweep ahead and quickly describe the vision, the other works in the past, it's like my imagination is taking a rolling effect and once started I'm better keep on writing for best effect. So I write how I see things, all the while being interrupted to add to old text, multitasking on 2 unrelated ongoing subjects at a time, sometimes 3, insane, until I hit a big revelation that will add a 6 pages intertwined with everything theory of death, then I must ponder and work the subject for days until I find its perfect place (philosophically)...

Maybe I'll end up killed like the author of the satanic verses but I have no idea about that, and I shouldn't jump in the games of this reality anyways. Still, he was assassinated and his book probably hacked, and I wouldn't dare think he's an exception; I'd bet a lot such people wrote books to protest about being imposed a manipulated history, like Christianity in Jesus times, and they ended in the same manner. Maybe it's on the internet but my guess is that before getting there it would have been modified since the author was murdered for writing it. And me I wouldn't want to read a potentially modified book in the same way I never read the bible, I think he insulted the Koran, or such religious susceptibilities, which in turn insulted a rich frustrated fearful godly ego making the world go round by manipulating the truth of history; he didn't respect religious authorities so they censored him with death, and the cheat they committed does not only include the assassination and the prevention of his effect, but they cheated life too in preventing the effect of his work on life, unless it was truly evil, but you better not be mistaken about that and your view of what is good and evil, and you know indoctrinated people are never wrong...

Writing is the most fundamental and absolute communication right a human can have, it is where communication liberty must be at its highest, just categorized as you don't want young people to read some books. Reading is an active brain process, all other forms of communication affecting masses must be controlled as they are passive, and since ego is always first on the cake, they'll use the passive communication structure to their own ends if you give them full liberty, and they'll pollute these with PMBBD affecting the judgment of masses, as one of many negative effects. The exception is writing as it is more active and people need a full liberty communication channel with masses, but books must still be categorized for some limitations. Removing this right from people (can be through literary agents) is a crime and it takes one failure of a society to have its powerful people scared of books and kill writers; you don't kill writers, you give them the means to write whatever they want, then you can say it doesn't please you. So if you're a good society full of proud people living in the best system of the universe, then why should you fear some poor guy using medieval time means of communication? Maybe it's because your mentality is still stuck at that epoch...

The same for the Vatican that is full of book they hide and fear and this institution should be incapacitated for this crime of having passed its history manipulating people with lies, totally messing their judgment, while hiding the opinion of some of the greatest minds, thus creating a retard in evolution and a falsehood of history. Christianity forced their view to people, indoctrinating the world over while eliminating competition. And don't think it is different today, powerful people control everything as they always did and if they are scared of a book, can't censorship it or prevent its effect with disinformation, they'll assassinate the author or reject his work indirectly by saying "very bad English" like it is illegible worse than hieroglyphs. Maybe I should learn to write in the stuff since it gets published... Old ego-gods ideology "wisdom" from which this reality grew is very appreciated, whatever the ugly or insane form, anything revolutionary leading to the same fundamental ego attitudes is appreciated too...A year 2000 life-gods ideology like mine? Dangerous garbage! (An ego-gods ideology develops a reality based on ego competition and emancipation while a life-gods ideology develop a reality based on life emancipation, there is a lot more to it than that evidently, but you'll have to read a lot more to really get imprinted by how profound the whole view is).

It may seem, for television and internet "lovers", that I'm exaggerating, and maybe I am, but your television is not truth, it selects from pressure and manipulation, it is made in big part of PMBBD, it is controlled by all the reality structures, and in this reality it is under the control of people who control unfair means; they dictate the way of all the structures concerning it because they took and systemized the means their way. The ways of their manipulations are many, paint shop, omission, gifts, experts, soaps and many more, why do you think television pass its time going kaputt over politicians and "super" "stars"? To brainwash you "love" them, to make you believe they make the world go round, there wouldn't be much left of most television channels if we removed politicians and "super" "stars", they're like religions, one more anti depressive, cut it and watch suicide rate increase in the selection. So they brainwash us totally with continual pressure and hype so we feel like the functioning of the world is dependent from them, they are "gods" working very hard, but they are human too, so you can choose how you see them day to day. What do you mainly see on television? Rich manipulators and people running after money and popularity, and they are publicized at fantastic levels, that way you can only "love" the most part of it...

Not much better for papers and the news, you can boast free press all you want, but the people doing it are a results of a controlled education and the boss select workers who have the right attitude, and you better be exemplary or they'll crush your credibility. You think your news are complete and true? No they are not, they are controlled and influenced in all kind of ways, by governmental institutions or by the newsmen or experts who try to steer it toward their opinion, or by the station, or magazine, or paper itself. The provider of means influences content, like radioh Canada, even other countries influence content, like radioh Canada taking most its international news from Britain (U.K.), and then in turn most other providers of news take their stuff from radioh Canada. The weight of scandal, horror or evil is controlled too, and there is some headroom for international reporters who have the bad habit of getting themselves captured and imprisoned to continually have a gang crying about human rights. They even say it themselves when they are fighting or competing against a different vision, they use the term "information war"; what do you think it means? It means they use information as a tool to manipulate masses, they don't inform to tell the truth, they inform to win something.

There are other examples, the boss of a magazine will have an influence on the peoples writing in the magazine, so he will try to help his political opinion. On another facet most media will control the expression of their employees, so they can't say what they want, or just the fact that grants are seen as government's money can have an influence, and you think they don't think about it? Yes they do, and it is manipulation, and even if they'll say it is an independent system, the result is the same. Just take Radioh Canada as an example, why do they get such unfair means? Why do they continually sing Canada greatness, why are they so political? Because they are a system thing with a goal, and they manipulate to reach this goal, they are in an information competition or war, within the country and internationally, and so the truth is biased or incomplete or manipulated for a panoply of reasons, but don't worry, almost all information media do it. Another facet is the competition for money; they are all in a competition to pull your attention to their stuff, and you think they do it without manipulation? (Telling the truth is not manipulation, spreading knowledge is not manipulation)

But we don't see PMBBD as something that can be seriously evil, even if it is used all over the place to twists the truth, even if the human mind stagnate in its development from it, even if life pays a heavy price in wasted time and energy for it, so I'll add that our survival is directly linked to our attitudes with truth, even worse, in the end it is PMBBD that will have been the cause of the downfall of humanity since all evil starts from it. So you understand that in my vision I must be hard with any user of PMBBD on masses; I don't want to be told I'm exaggerating, I want to be told there are no passive medias dealing with masses that are using PMBBD to twist, control or profit, I want laws to imprison any user or PMBBD who affect the judgment of masses negatively. Until then I'll generalize since a vast majority of media peoples try to manipulate masses one way or the other. Did I mention masses? You know what that is? If a friend tries to push me to something weird I won't be happy but I won't think much of it, my problem is with those who use mass reaching devices to do the same. And did I mention "passive"? Reading is an active process, and you can take your time, no imposed limiting standard of attention required, you can stop to think when you want, or go back to better judge, and it is always available through the years. Definitively not the same situation a talker on television is in, and most are professional at manipulative babbling.

Now, if we are still in war and country competition after so much time, then this reality wants it whatever it sings peace and diplomacy through all its pores. And this PMBBD way of dealing with human beings who are all humans all over the planet is what I could qualify as a preparation for the earth as irreversible hell; evil is thriving while it is seen as good because it is hidden under image and tons of lies and manipulations. Evil wants good people used to it, peaceful, tolerating, accepting, pardoning, working hard whatever the system they are in, and blindly admiring the publicized "super" "stars" "gods" and divas for sure too. People are so full of PMBBD that their bottom line of tolerance and acceptance is basic animal survival directed by laws, and at that point only a famine will get them revolted, but PMBBD thrive under such basic instincts, so they'll be back in the arms of their providers of it quickly...

Next, why do you think your local human is more interesting than the international human? Racism? Country competition? In part, another reason is that having consciousness of the international weight of people makes you insignificant, and seeing the truth of the weight of evil could cause mass problems, so evil is divided and there is always worse or better than us on different facets of the competition. You need to feel it is others who are the cause of your twisted idealism problems like overpopulation, so you have the right to put pressure for still more babies to fill the pockets of the most ego (willing to do anything for money, or fame, or control, or superiority) and try to win the earth to your culture or language and make of other differences provider of stuff, servants, or quaint cultural zoos. And that's part of the reason why there is such a push to heavy socialization and sex; we must get used to constant human contact and sight, we must "love" it. But lots of wild animals and life will disappear in the name of filling the planet to the top with humans worse than worthless toward life's advancement, so get used to seeing humans everywhere and let your experts deal with life, they proved their competence so much life is getting extinct all over the place! Replaced by crappy humans, but it's not their fault, it comes with the crappy ideology they are indoctrinated to defend one way or another...I just hope you have well understood your lessons of compassion, tolerance, adaptation acceptance, peace and all...

So maybe you won't hear from a writer who got himself assassinated if what he wrote scared powerful people. But what kind of writer could powerful people fear? Surely not a popular writer, not a standard one either, not rich or powerful, not publicized, not a well-educated one, not one fitting the medias hype machine either, only a new writer knowing nothing of the industry, fresh, maybe someone frustrated, not many friends, too poor, his writing makes him worthless in money, absorbed and needing tons of time. So probably that's the kind of writer that could scare someone powerful; a frustrated poor unknown loner, he writes a book, make tremendous efforts and end-up with some truth or something revolutionary that could move people's stoic ass, maybe without realizing it. Then he goes to a big publisher while thinking how much he need money, but without saying it they don't like his book or controlling and filtering elements don't like it. They convince him to wait a week, they're big publishers after all, and during that time his life gets studied and then an accident happens to hide his assassination, and the book is modified or dumped. But his name still gets associated to some writings; in the obituary part of some local newspaper, and people he knew who doubt the official story are doing conspiracy theory.

I know that some people for whom the system is the best will say, as a shut-up argument, that I see conspiracies everywhere, but maybe you should open your eyes to the truth of your reality; you don't develop adequate judgment if you blindly believe in politicians, or if you only look at selected facets, the truth is that those with the means in this reality pass their time making all kind of funky plans and conspiracies in all kind of things and at all levels, even a columnist is making manipulation plans while he's writing. And what do you think happens to all those people who get their economies stolen, be it by internet bandits or by banks? They are victims of plots made to strip them of their money; you'd prefer to think the victims are worth their situation? That they mistakenly gave away their money? Maybe it will happen to you if you don't believe evil exists...

I'm sure enough to bet that something like the scenario I described for a revolutionary writer happened quite a few times in exemplary or more hypocrite countries, but if an evil Arab kills a writer, you'll hear about it for sure in the news; it will be a scandal and influence will make it international. There are people who may take what I write very seriously, so I'll arrange things in such a manner that if I get caught and assassinated, be it from a brainwashed worker, an ego "lover" or a susceptible "god", the original version of it spring back to life now and then for a very long time without me knowing where or from who, so torture won't stop it (don't think your reality is too "evolved" for torture to exist, it is full of it, under more twisted forms than ever, particularly manipulative mental, and more people die from it than ever. Even depression can be seen as the result of mental torture, and the biggest users of torture are not at the bottom of the pyramids, they are the exemplary people you "love" or admire a lot, but don't worry, they are too clean, white and camera ready to get their hands dirty, so they buy inferior admirer to do it...).

That means I won't show a page of my writings or talk about it before I'm totally done. I want people to know how this reality makes me sick, I want them to see my mental painting, even if nobody cares. And I'm happy because I know I'll write with enough competence to tell my opinion understandably. Beyond that I don't much really care about since no single human can take the responsibility an ego civilization would want of me...

This introduction is an example of how I'll go about it, it is not a categorized well separated thing for Mr. no patience, Mr. Classic reading or Mr. big education; if you absolutely need academic, high quality, perfectly structured English, close this and go read school books or poetic stuff. Writing with some mistakes may lead to better language you know; repeat them enough and maybe someone will get tired and put it in the dictionary! But it's not something I'll try to do. Yet, languages don't evolve when too limited; they regress, but it doesn't mean you're supposed to twist words or speak with a hot potato in the mouth... Anyway, people can learn or evolve or change from any actions and making mistakes is probably the worst way to do it, to contradict the widespread and publicized "wisdom", but yes, mistakes are more painful, and pain teaches things, want a beating? Automatic beating! That being said, I won't invent words for the fun of it as I'm not fond of not useful complexities, except in art and decoration, and other exceptions...And art can take any number of forms; there are clowns for whom life is a joke, but they are still artists, writing too, but its capacity as an art form is proportional to the goal and properties of language.

Anyway, diagonal readers, words counters, susceptibilities, big egos, superficial, fearful, controlling or know it all people or if you "love" this reality or if you can't stand differences of opinions, a mental anomaly, crazy theories and stuff, all of you get away from me; you will probably fail to understand what I wrote and do something good from it since you'll get frustrated for all kind of reasons. The same if you got an inflated opinion of yourself (there are so many that do these days, one have to wonder why we're not living in a paradise full of flying awesome Canadians...). For the very few left who may enjoy it, you must understand this as it concerns everybody and everything I write; there is a huge, inversed difference between people trying to do good, even if they fail, and people who don't care or just follow the laws or trends (those who recycle because they are told to or because it is "in"). It's a difference you'll meet all through the book and the latter should get away from it too. The distinction applies to consciousness, spirituality, love and independence development too, people who seek such goals already got half my respect, even if they end-up wrong. But I'll never respect (I'll do, but only to get rid of you) someone existing just for the sake of it, or to fit in the system, or that follow laws blindly, or that fuck without consciousness etc.

As for spreading bullshit to masses as the final truth, like the affirmative language of most politicians and religious people, I say such an attitude should be battled. Instead they make the reality with their affirmations which are only personal opinions or possibilities at best; they profit form a liberty to manipulate opinions toward their view. Did you ever hear a singers say "maybe" or "I believe" or "probably" or "possibly" like I do with regularity in my book (s)? No, they are the less used paroles in their mass affecting vocabulary. But I won't generalize because many singers are ok, but those singing suggestive stories of personal opinions they try to spread as truths about life should be forced to use such words just to see the effect on their mass affecting paroles; I'd bet their manipulation powers and popularity would fade immediately, it would scrap their style totally and sound so bizarre (unusual) it would become a new genre! But I'm sure that if they started doing it, then truth would increase and people would seek more appropriate sources to grow their wisdom than singers suffering from attention deficit disorders...Contrary to them, me and "simpler" people are brave enough to do it, because our goal are different I guess... That was just to make you understand how intrinsic to this reality and deeply implanted in our culture manipulation for popularity is. The greatest manipulators of this reality (like most religions) are rich and venerated from all kind of principles and language contortions, and you can't do nothing to stop their manipulative attitudes and effects since the mind of humanity and humanity itself have been morphed to give them everything. Their manipulations to rule our minds have taken the form of twisting any good principles to serve their views, like liberty; you wouldn't dare tell them to stop the bullshit on masses, they'd immediately cry you want to do evil censorship or you are attacking freedom of speech, then the selection would go nuts because they heard the magic "freedom" word. Liberty as a principle have been twisted to serve manipulators, they even made it a principle they own; I have no liberties as a writer while they have tons of liberties, in fact, in the Democracy-Capitalism business, liberty (freedom) is unfairly and exponentially proportional to money. My liberties are incredibly limited by them and I don't have the liberty to fight them as a non ego person. Meaning the most evil ways are hypocrite manipulations a good person wouldn't use; if I want to attack them directly, then I'm the evil one since they made that illegal with their manipulations.

This first "intro" part could have lasted 100 pages for all I care, and I'd prefer digging holes with a shovel than to write standard stuff. It's a story of a child facing reality and spending a long time as an ado before becoming an adult, there are parts of this book that were written very long ago so if you don't like young people except as pure innocents, if you don't have patience for their explorations, if you don't like their way of saying things, then you're another one not having what it takes to make some use of my writings. I repeat for old people who know perfectly the standard ways of writing and monopolize the skill because they write standard, knowledgeable and manipulative writings to satisfy the biggest mass or to become a guru; you are inappropriate to judge my writing. I'm full of testosterone, I'm 32, not 50, don't forget that one, it is written by a young man for young people, so don't you censorship my work because I said "fuck" or "dick" as a crappy argument to remove my work from where it belongs; ask any 14 years old if he don't know what a dick is or fuck, this reality profits from innocence at unbelievable levels, it distribute and encourage all kind of twisted notions on youth, while my work will do nothing of that. But my book is definitively not aimed at children, it is aimed at young adults even if I see nothing wrong with younger people reading it, it's just that they probably won't understand everything well.

Anyway, I already told you who the inadequate readers for my book are, and if you absolutely want to censorship for an age class, do it for people over 60 years old; your opinion is irrelevant on any matter in my work. Generally, the more "invested" people are, the less they'll like my work and the more they'll try to desecrate or censor it, and the top ridicule would be that I let them decide who will read it. My optimal reading pool is 30 more or less10 years, and this is so because I started having such a vision at 20 and I'll end my work around 40, but there are always exception, let's say quantity of readers inversely proportional to distance from 30, if that works...

Oh, and I repeat one last time that I hate this reality, everybody is warned at least 3-4 times. Don't think everybody is supposed to like this reality, or worse "love" it, for the most manipulated, and don't think only you (older people, those who successfully amassed or worked their brains out adapting) have the right to show, or even make, your vision of the world; I have the right to live in a reality I like, I have an opinion and you'll take it into consideration seriously. Did you write such a book when you were young? At the height of your capacities? I have no position to protect, no house, no car, I gained nothing from this reality except survival, and I don't believe in its glorious future you sing everywhere as indirect image, entertainment and hype pressure. As for people who took unfair means, I think you're incompetent across the board with those means; you'll live very long though, but maybe not the people after you...And people, why do you "love" crappy people like politicians who wouldn't dare write their opinion like men? Why? Why are you trying to destroy me instead of giving me the means to help you? I'll spill my soul in this book and you'll hate me for it, a politician will smile and you'll "love" him for it!

So be ready for anything; childish lamentation, ado frustration, insults, coarse language, pope kicking, bad humor, strange stories, violence, slips out of subject, anything! I'm young, and you can say it like a negative something all you want, this is what I did with my youth, what did you do with yours? You too politician and your rich gang. I'll give something for everybody and the more I make you think or live emotions, the happier I'll be, but to wake me up from my present state, you'll have to show evidence of appreciation in reality.

Now, before carrying on, I must post a reminder for those who know my problem so they stop decomposing everything I write to resume my personality to some negative attributes; I am a pathetic, presumptuous, pretentious, hateful, pessimist, fatalist, narcissist, arrogant, frustrated, homophobic, megalomaniac, sociopath bitch with a slight schizophrenia problem, some paranoia, and a high MQ; stable and happy to be! So think about it; would you read a book written by someone with any such problems? No, and I don't want you to. This is written by the worst person on earth, I'm a collection of mental problems and I started with a retard that I cherished for too long! So don't ever say I didn't warn you, and now you can read "peacefully" knowing I don't need your judgment, you don't need to tell the world you're a masochist weirdo, they'll all know if you read past this point, it's your problem now, not mine. And for those who find themselves believing in or liking a lot of what I wrote, maybe you should go get your brain checked by a psy, just to make sure you're not sick in the head, suffering from a Stockholm syndrome or something like that...

All that being said, the few left can read on, you'll see how good I am at being positive when it's too late... If you liked this first chapter you may like even more what's coming, but I don't want you to be in total harmony with all I'll write; I want you to think, to judge and to criticize, without externally implanted preconceptions, and I want you to sometimes jump up like you had too much caffeine, as you feel the power of life protesting within your body. My work is made of strong personal opinions, how my life have been to date, how I like to see life, my crazy beliefs and what comes next, in "very bad English" evidently, good luck deciphering it...

A HOLE IN THE WALL

There is this old 3 part dream I wrote, it's about a big hole in a wall and I see light in the infinite depth of it. It was a scary dream, not because there is a monster in the hole, but because of the hole itself; it feels deathly. What's more terrorizing is the sense that there is something beyond you down there. The first dream I'm alone and I enter the hole a few meters down squeezing between beams, the complexity of the structure seems to be increasing but I know there is only one way; down. I'm too scared to continue so I climb back up, place a poster of a nude woman, barely covering the hole. And I wake up.

I make another dream, this time, I'm with a black haired woman, I show her the hole and tell her I'm going to enter it with a rope. She is scared so she is against the idea but I already have the rope attached and I'm going down. It is deep, hot, and scary but nothing happens, I just squeeze between beams while the complexity increases, passing by all kind of strange corners and I finally see a white floor with broken glass everywhere and I wake up.

The next dream I'm in a vast destroyed chemist laboratory, I don't know how but I know it is part of the same dream just by the feeling. I'm with a woman, but I don't know if she is the same than in my other dream. We are careful but the fear is getting away as we are investigating the place; there are chemical apparatuses lying broken everywhere on the floor and in the many glass isolation rooms with mirrors. There is illusionary blood and gore everywhere too, it just appears and disappears in half transparency like a mirage. There is a red presence watching us, it's like a somewhat humanoid form flashing on and off, we slowly spotted it through the mirrors, it's made of the same blood red semitransparent stuff which seems to float everywhere. We can feel him watching and turning around us while we are investigating the place to comprehend something. We finally reach a dead end, we can't feel the presence anymore and the dead end is the blackness with stars of infinite space. I wake up, never dreamed of the place again (I think).

BLOODMAN

This is an add-on for the sun revision, it is the last bit of another 3 part dream. The common point is a lake (lots of lakes in my dreams) I visited for the third time in maybe 10 years. The first part was to find the lake and to make a fishing trip or something, the second one was about some surveillance of the place, I went there to see how the place developed, with chalets and a new complex dirt road to go there, I did something but I don't remember what. The third one the place seems to be heavily industrialized, the lake is empty, it's become a sand pit, and there is a kind of town nearby, with strange people. I arrive by the forest or I escaped, and as I walk in the woods around the place I spot someone following me so I try to hide, but the person got a dog and I get caught, but I have an ax, and I hit for a deep wound every times the person gets near me. This continue as I enter the big industry which is separated in two parts and overlooking two gigantic basins, one is filled with water (the water of the lake probably.). As I visit the place I hack at my follower every opportunity. I end-up climbing a steel ladder, to pass over to the other basin, and as I walk the bottom of the basin I finally land the killing blow to the person following me, and there she lays in front of me face down with about a dozen deep wounds, I don't know what happened to the dog, I guess I forgot about it somewhere along the dream. I walk away from the place, and almost reach the town when my vision switches to seeing myself raising from a basin full of blood as some kind of giant blood super hero, my arms up with my palms to the sky, like I'm super powerful or something. I'm all made of blood globules, no skin, no muscle, no tendons, just millions of different size bubbles of blood attached together by hemoglobin, or sticky red stuff. There are a few dripping grapes dangling here and there, but my muscles look like muscles, and I'm actually not ugly. Then I see the other basin full of water, there is a ledge immediately in front of me, I walk to it, and there I know that to die I just have to plunge in the water; I decide against it. As I turn around there is a young adult girl and she tells me with a fond smile "I knew you wouldn't do it". I wake up.

THE SHELLING PART 2

************

AND I BECAME STRONG

This first (second) chapter was a personal chapter, I wrote it first to be done with it, and to know if I would be able to write the whole book too (that's a lot of to). I saw it as some self-help too (he too). When I transferred from paper to computer, this chapter ended up as a hundred pages ugly thing I was not sure I wanted published. So I didn't take this decision right away; I just put it away like it didn't exist and chapter 3 was chapter 2. As I wrote I quickly saw its influence in the whole book (s), so even if I don't like to talk about family, I had to implement it since it is part of my story and it somewhat explains many things. Still, it limited too much my enthusiasm at trying to get the book done, and not being able to judge well the matter, I decided to split it in two; doing so eliminated the more descriptive part of my youth, and that should be enough to prevent babies from crying to my mom that I said bad things, yes there are "adults" like that, and that's all they'll have to say about my work. I readjusted everything and implemented the rest. That's why I'll start at age 17.

If I don't write something, what can I say to people who will want to know my youth and past? And I don't like to go into details about some unpleasant facets of the first part of my life, big poorer families are never easy, and there's nothing much interesting to say about whole slabs of the rest, except that I passed the time thinking hard to explain things, even to myself. I'll make it so people understand my youth was not the happiest of my moments without having me dwelling in it for the rest of my life, and maybe a lot of people should do the same.

Still, I must give enough content for those (particularly psy) who will want to judge me from the troubles of my youth, so go ahead now, you can justify anything not standard I say or not proved by science by putting it on this back... you can discredit a lot of my work by saying I'm suffering from a mental development retard from some violence in my youth you know, all scientifically proven, in numbers too, since psy have total credibility in this reality and know everything about human attitudes...But know that I don't like people who explain everything from a troubled youth and a mental sickness, I don't like my life devaluated because someone kicked me when I was a kid, and to me, psy got no better credibility in most mental manners than "normal" people. I won't say they don't have some competence for evident mental problems, but I said evident; for what is not evident I will never ever trust a psy, and that tells a lot about my opinion of the pseudo justice system which gives them automatic credibility like they're bearers of truth about the state of mind of people... I say a lot of their affirmations are worse than wrong, more like criminal, and good for prison for mental prejudice and spreading of PMBBD on masses.

Then there is the fact that a lot of what I'll write will be too heavy for a lot of people, I'll have to canalize and emphasize if I don't want my complex looking yet simple philosophy to be dumped as some right away because of a too heavy personal story that will give an aftertaste of self-pity to the whole book. I'll be already "limit" enough in my attitudes and ways to reap rejection from many bad feelings all along my writings, I don't need more from self pity... But don't worry, I'll go as far as I can to help my point through people's minds and keep it there.

These are some reasons why I'll still skip the first part, even if you'll miss some good adventures, school, friends, etc. Furthermore, school in ego reality is always hard for independent kids, and both my parents have worse and better sides, I could put an emphasis on either but it's very hard to judge such things; epoch mentality is at play, and I developed differently. As I grew older, I can almost thank them for some of their attitudes I didn't like; everything is relative. I'll start by saying they brought many good moments and adventures to my youth like how it was helping my parents build the house (no small feat; it is exceptional, just a shame I wasn't there to help them finish it like they wanted; those granite blocks needed too much sweat I guess...) or trapping beyond the mountain of struggle: "la montagne du calvaire" is the name, and it is totally appropriate (maybe a bit local as a name...), not an experience available to many young men... just reaching the place was a struggle, a trail there becomes impracticable after a year, you build a strong trapping camp only to come back to it crushed under a violently snapped big pine, then try to sleep around a dancing crazy fire you have to fight all night to keep alive in a violent snowstorm with heavy wind crashing trees all around; a night of terror you don't forget... We understood what happened to the pine on the camp in the morning; devastation like a spell on us. Feeling too lucky to be alive, we ran back home abandoning chainsaw traps and everything, we never went back there again and father lost his trapping ground; no human will possess this land. And Quebec's high forest is one difficulty to walk through, you don't walk much before hitting very bad terrain, and you better move, mosquitoes are a violent sort here, but it's a paradise for trapping, fishing and hunting.

Such activities I liked very much, even if I was not in a state of mind to really appreciate fully. But isn't it strange how such bad trips end up so good to remember? My dad and me made a 6 hours 3 wheeler trail through some of the most fantastic savage terrain and sights to a recluse lake system where we built a big chalet along with some uncles; I have many unforgettable adventures in wild life, it's like another part of me I can forget about momentarily while I'm in town, but it always come back, nagging me with memories of feelings and vague immersive smells, like an image of the sound and flow of life; the loudest infinite silence, rare are the ones to understand such a thing, you need to be sensitive in a day without wind, climb very high and be surrounded by the most beautiful green carpet. Maybe someday I'll go back to it...That's when I understood the earth was a living thing, that air, water, earth and animals formed a whole.

I wrote a lot about my brothers and sisters too, the family dynamics along that, but it's hard to get people to understand context and times when you start talking about everything, and there are people who like to remove context to twist everything... It was not small city family 2010, it was big poor village family in the 80's; my grandparents were working in dirt roads with horses and axes, no asphalt, no television, only Christianity. All the while the supposedly more intelligent proud city people elsewhere were "peacefully" making a sex revolution they called "love" and spreading HIV in this "love"... (I know scientists "proved" it came from the chimpanzee, but the way I see life, it can be related to some attitudes even if the chimpanzee have no relation to these attitudes. And I'm giving lots of credit to the chimpanzee here; humans got tons of psy and scientists who can always prove humans are not responsible for their troubles. As for the chimpanzee, one got to wonder why HIV waited all human history before getting transmitted to the human at that precise moment...If it is really the way it happened, what can be more perfect than a retarded tribe of niggers exchanging blood with chimps to reap responsibility? While they never changed their ways...Who changed their ways in the 60's? Just opinions, I'm just pulling my side of the rope, I see life in a way and I embark when I meet something that coincides, particularly well like HIV...Yes it's all about coincidences, all my work, just coincidences; why would this reality spend trillions every day to make everything coincide in a pile of bullshit, and I shouldn't have the right to use coincidence my way? And is it really coincidences? At some point you have to ask yourself why everything always fits so perfectly, why everything is so perfect in fact, or why so many things persist on staying the way they are.

I still don't want to express one side of things more than another, an easy thing to do when you live continual frustration. So I repeat that even if I wanted to share my whole life experience with you, since it would bring a better continuation to the story, it won't be the case because I know some will use it to give me troubles, just for fun. So I won't talk about everything, but I'll still give you the quick run through the worst of my feelings about my youth since surely psy won't miss the opportunity to deduct it anyways. First, it seems I didn't even want to try this world from the beginning since I started badly by being forced out with forceps. To make things worse, I landed in a party day I would end-up not liking at all; I knew I should have stayed a bit longer in the belly of my mom, just a few more hours...

So I come from a village where the lowest speed of internet just got to the place, to give you an idea (2005). My father was a woodworker, he worked at a wood industry, hunting, trapping, fishing as he continually worked on and around the house. My mother was a painter, she took care of the house, farm animals, and a garden. Both were very versatile people. I passed my free youth time in the forest, filling buckets of little fruits, working around the house and cleaning a lot, particularly mountains of dishes and that damn white floor. I was run by the stick; both my parents had their size and spot. I passed lots of time locked-up, often in darkness, and I went almost crazy out of it, or I did. I didn't like my birthday and I was not very appreciated at school too. I hated anything I wore, and most of it was gotten from green bags...green bag underwear anybody? Me! Me!, and then, one Christmas you get a beautiful shirt, deep blue satin, but it just didn't fit with the rest so I desecrated it with my ass, sorry mom, at least I passed a few seconds in my life feeling like a rich...

Green bags horrors like meter long stretch shirts, and brown pants from old people who went to the church too often, all good for school enjoyment, but we were poor so what can I say, and while my mother was super good with a sewing machine, you can bet it was more interesting to sew girl dresses, logical, clothes didn't last long with me. I didn't like my haircut too, and I got myself the worst senseless nickname you could find in existence too. I've eaten a lot chicken grain and crude eggs (by myself), and I don't remember any affection either. We even have an old expression for someone like me, for tolerance and acceptance; I was the black sheep of the family, an example of what happens when you don't listen. I was absolutely not hyperactive, but listening to authority was a real problem.

Yet, I must say it was not hateful harassment, my parents were just in a difficult situation exacerbated by the ways of their youth and beliefs while I was bad seed. They both came from very large hard families in hard colonization time, had children too early on full Christianity, without any knowledge on how to best raise children, while being poor and dreaming too perfect is how I see it (Christianity got a very long history of violence, massacres, harshness, torture and beatings, don't you ever forget the history of the greatest desecrators of history, whatever the fantastic investments and efforts they put to clean their image and look like saints, movies after movies, and I should add that you know where a lot of people, even countries, have taken their attitude... that's what you reap with religious institutions and royalty stuff; your soul becomes twisted, you lose all sense in the value of life, and you hide your evil and innocence behind a saint's facade).

I hated them for some time, even if I tried not to, but while at some point the past wouldn't matter to me anymore, I still don't have to tolerate attacks to my integrity today, from whomever, even family, so I'd end-up flushing them all, because that's the only thing I can do without ending-up in court. But I'll still have to write about it, I have to do it, even if I'd prefer not to, but what I'm doing needs people to have minimal knowledge of my past, of my difficulties, for many reasons, like to know if it is true that difficulties in youth necessarily mean I'm a retard, or if my judgment is under influence, or if I have been a successful psy of myself, but you'll understand better the necessity I minimally write about my youth as you read. And that applies to my whole life, it is even important that you know about my sexuality, sexuality is a big part of an individual and you can't dismiss it as worthless, sexuality must be a factor in your judgment of someone, if not you contort reality and worse.

I eventually understood their probable situation enough to stop lamenting over it, anyway, you can't lament over such things constructively forever because times change. But yes I have to justify, that's part of any judgment activity, but I won't justify to defend their ways, I'll find justifications to understand, for me, for them too, and for some principles. So I will add right away that yes, it was somewhat my fault; I didn't listen, I was a difficult young man, I was not the good example I was supposed to be, I intoxicated the family to evacuation in chemical reactions fumes (worse than tear gas, a little breath incapacitates someone for hours in heavy coughing), I made bombs, bolt grenades, lighted fires, stole motors from neighbor to make bogeys, stole vegetables, car parts, climbed hydro towers, threw wires over phone lines, put rubber glue on pieces of cardboard which I deposited on roadways, threw rotten eggs at doors, a true "p'ti criss"!

So no I didn't have the right attitude, and I'll prove it with this book; you too will want to kick me with some insults and lock me in darkness... And it's like natural, it's a gift, I mean pissing people off with my stupid looks! I say it is my fault but is it? I mean, I'm not your classic cry all the time type, but just making a fast rewind on the subject, from today's eyes who got determination or intensity as its day to day survival tactics, I can get emotive really fast! What attracted so much troubles to my life is a totally wrong opinion of people about me, it is ridiculous, painful, a fantastic stretch of injustice. You'll never have the whole of it in my writing, but I tell you it's scary, and what I lost that I chose to replace for better adulthood appropriate to my new style (the me adult style...), what attracted everybody like flies was my candid demeanor, which was necessary to become me, to have the freshest eyes available for every situation I could say, because fresher eyes truer data...no? It is evident from my experience at living that this reality got an extraordinary manipulation problem, understanding the scale of this sick competition to grab at every facet of innocence for profit, to manipulate it in all kind of sick ways, it is something that is so big so reality and humanity defining, that all I have left as compensating feeling is the total failure of it on me...But it's just ridiculous words in a free random book, a big book, full of big words, full of big ideas, full of the greatest freak show of genius and you'll probably have strictly no respect or appreciation for it, so what? How would you know that you'd have the greatest world changing book in your hands? Ah, media people saying it! If not then god! And what are you going to do about it? LOL! That's probably the extent of your judgment will take... As for all the throng who failed to profit from my innocence, and tried to manipulate my life in their direction, I'll show you how much you can be messed up in your judgment of people and what's valuable.

I profoundly despise ego manipulators destroyers of worlds! Not in my name, as a profound living feeling, it's like genetic, it just switched on when my eyes crossed publicity, the same when I had to go to church and kneel and learn how to do the robot, and then go back home and get punished and go kneel in the corner for an hour, upright! So I have time to think about my sins, but in fact I ponder the conflicting strategy of kneeling for a punition versus kneeling for a prayer, versus kneeling en masses; that's gonna be a lot of inappropriate kneeling for me in my life, so I guess I'll have to fight a lot sources of kneeling, yep, in my candor, but my pride in doing so shall remain secret since those people are dangerous. I shall learn to defend my candor, even use it as a weapon if necessary, and my family will be perfect to test that I guess...

I'll eventually have such a success that I stopped it altogether for family, but I liked the vengeance part. I always found that the most disappointing aspect of my family intrinsics was my failure to have a brother or sister as a friend, being the pariah of the family, even to this day, and this is entirely the fault of my mother who manipulated the rest of the family to see me as bad. My brothers and sisters were all like the police, if I did one mistake they would immediately run to mommy and I'd get punished, and no amount of possession could stop them, they liked it, unlocking me every morning was like a big responsibility, never a good morning, maybe a message; mother said to do this or go there, no problem I always do as asked, I discard such responsibilities, but I passed the waiting time making nigger plans, just so you know... (Truly, it was at the time and still is today; I always have bigger things to deal with. I don't do jobs for the sake of having a job or fitting in; I must feel that I help toward what I see of the future, or help the advancement of life, I can work to get me in a comfortable situation in a reality that is worth it too, or make things better in it, but if the reality is crap then I'll prefer to make plans to make a better one, and that's the work I'm currently doing, unloading this weight I always felt on my shoulders, and it's a lot of very complex work, my destiny, which, in theory, should bring me glory...But yeah, if the situation is enforced, like for my parents, then I'll bow until I find a crack to continue on my path. But I experience the reasons of my path, I want to know the why I'm going in a direction, and I make the effort as an innocent at it, I embark, go with the flow in my heart, until I'm hit by the reality, then I decide anew, and while my past is super fun, I just stash it as data (related to emotions yes...) I have nobody to share it with anyway...So I forget about it and jump in my new opinion, with the same candor...

I remember when I planted a nail in the ass of my brother, I feel on my knees and supplicated him not to run to mother, it was so ridiculous, he stood there taking like an eternity deciding his next action, then started the baby crying transformation procedure as he ran to mommy like I just tried to kill him! He sat on the darn nail before I could warn him, yes I planted the (small) nail in the seat, but it's not like it looks, I was not making bloody plans (really, I was making an invention, and he just choose to sit on that particular place), why don't nobody believe me? But yes, at some point I started to enjoy throwing bees at the idiocy of some of their attitudes...

My older sister liked me more though, there was this history between us in our old home, with the English house jacked on the mountain side overlooking, where I made my chocolate dream and where my beach balloon became the sun...I think the sight of that place imprinted us with a kind of connection. I broke a lot of her stuff and she managed to tolerate it, until I broke her Walkman; an expensive piece of technology for the time, with many little gears and a motor...We fought a lot but always temporary and mother didn't mind us fighting, to some point. The problem is that this sister left home quickly, she won at a big intelligence thing at school, she won a top computer for the time, but she left it to rot at home, it passed years on a desk in a locked room like a trophy nagging me, while my sister was away studying microbiology. I'm sure I'm not right in my story, but it looks like it, she dropped a lot of her potential to explore how to fit I would say, I think her life may have been quite a challenge too. She missed the worst part of my youth, or the fact that she went away exacerbated my troubles, I even remember missing her, maybe I even became worse because she was not there, I don't know, I hope she's fine, but personal connections are off; they have become global...(sometimes I wonder if this sister could have been my greatest ally if things had gone differently, computer and microbiology, and me I studied electronics, programming, and I invented the life-gods ideology, this type of interest seems to thrive in the family...)

For the rest, they liked it less to run at mommy when they got their first taste of the plank... from me running like an innocent with a bucket of ice cream I had eaten whole previously, supposedly locked, and the only person with access to the key was my brother, but I picked all locks in the house, so...I ate the ice cream, mmm, multicolor, a 4 liter bucket, probably meant for my brother and sister birthday coming, all eaten by me! Delicious, and my brother reaped a beating, yes! But I felt bad about it, so I stopped but I still liked the vengeance...

So you see, who are you to suppose that my brain works the same way as yours? Maybe kneeling works for your vision of good and evil, but I don't have such a vision, and while I accept to be guided on the matter, I don't accept to be manipulated for life to endorse the initial vision, particularly if it comes from church like people! I'm better than that! I'm sure I can invent better philosophy without the kneeling! I want to! So be ready as it seems I possess all the worst attitudes one can carry in an ego reality, even pedophiles are far better liked than me... I was even born a murderer, no need for TV and violent games, my mother caught me trying to kill my brother by choking him with a pillow! I don't think it's true, my mother doesn't like me, and maybe she's trying to culpabilise me for his schizophrenia. But yeah, I liked to hide in the wardrobe, and invent all kind of crazy stories of killers and monsters to scare him...But isn't it me that can stop breathing when I want? To the point of death? How do you gain that ability? It's probably me that was choked to death as a baby with a pillow, probably by a woman that hates men to the point of wishing their extinction in exuberance (joyful at the prospect of living in a world without men (and true love I guess))! But just probably, not definitively...And why is she telling this? Whatever it is true or not you keep that to yourself! Oh, I'm the only man to have stood-up to her as a kid, like it seems I'm the only one to stand-up to this reality as an adult...

Maybe my parents were not only hard with me because of some black sheep philosophy, but because of a black beast story too! Maybe they came to the conclusion that I was bad seed, thanks to Catholicism. Knowing how I am today, I think it may have something to do with fairness, or jealousy, and vengeance. Let's see, my 2 years younger brother got out with schizophrenia, and I immediately tried to murder him, what does that tells us? I'm against schizophrenia? Sounds like something chucky (Hitler) would do...

Today psy say that serial killers start by killing animals in youth, damm, I was killing human beings as a kid! And I did kill some animals, but I never felt good or powerful for it, never got an erection, exactly the contrary, I totally hated it, it was a trauma on me, I even made funerals for these animals and cried out of it. Now, don't forget we were living in a small farm, we killed chickens and wild animals by the dozen every years, nothing extraordinary in killing animals, but it is all a question of emotional attachment, and my ugliest actions were made in the name of fairness. Whatever you like me or not, my cat is as much worth a life outside my apartment as yours, particularly if I choose the most sensitive looking cat as my pet, while those have a harder time adapting to exteriors.

You can see this attitude in many ways, to satisfy your preconceptions, or to manipulate opinions, but me I always saw it as fighting evil; giving me or the ones I care for repetitive bad feelings is giving me the right to give you back the same kind of feelings, if pardon doesn't work, if nobody can do something to equilibrate things, then personal vengeance. But I prefer fighting evil, in fact, I saw it more like unfairness than evil, or I saw unfairness as evil, because unfairness was always my justification for my ugly actions (except innocent or stupid actions), and this justification would forever grow to the point that I would have to set my own limits because anybody could become my victim in the name of fairness. I would have to grow a very complex and complete brain to skip a lot of vengeance plans, but one thing's for sure, I was ready to kill in the name of fairness as a young boy, and this fairness thing would define the path of my whole life; I'll never ever be able to tolerate or accept unfairness, and this invincible drive would totally destroy my potential in this reality. Now, that's what I meant by "satisfying your preconceptions" since psy will say mass murderers start by killing animals, which I did, and do so because they feel powerless, which is applicable to me too. The problem is that this psy view is the equivalent of putting someone in prison by saying "you're bad" whatever the complex babbling, they don't and can't heal the source of the problem, they only attack the result. So yes, for another person less inclined to introspection and good empathy, living the same situation as mine may lead to the killing of innocent people, but how about the person that caused the situation in the first place? And not taking your responsibility of fighting unfairness, or always pointing at the victims of unfairness as the problem, can lead to a whole world that is systemized unfair, with people like me who will just completely hate or reject it as evil, and you're lucky I'm just writing my revolt instead of killing, because I see nothing wrong with killing those who act sufficiently unfair, and those who defend them. You fight evil or minimize it or you fail as a high consciousness species is my belief. But don't worry, it won't happen, too much accumulation and people are well pacified, with psy and religions and TV's and jobs everywhere to keep it that way. Think about it, fighting true evil would make for a damm lot of mass murderers, psychopaths and terrorists, you'd need a million more prisons to incarcerate them all, since this reality is systemized unfair and defend unfairness all the way to its police and psychological "science"...And no life aint unfair.

So what can you do with someone like me in a Christian village in the 70-80's? Furthermore, don't forget that the poorer you are or the lower you start from, the harder or uglier things are, particularly when you raise many children in old times in a totally unfair reality, raising such a family when yourself have had it incredibly hard. Now, whatever the justification and argumentation or the point of view, it's the results that counts; pain and misery is not supposed to be normal, so I'll have to kick back at someone for sure.

I could give you a more extensive list of reasons why I didn't like most of my youth, but that should be enough to give you an idea why for now. And now the pressure is on me to reproduce and continue the family name, but that's hard for me since I can't accept the ways of this reality, and I wouldn't want anybody to touch my baby, particularly my mother. I could add that there are twice too many people and I don't want to add to this craziness. Next, this reality have its ideal in full swing; it doesn't need or want my kind, and it proved it. Furthermore, I don't believe the future of this reality will be nice, I don't believe in its ability to make my children truly happy and independent, or good... Besides, I don't like adding insult to injury like giving birth to people in a reality I believe doomed from overpopulation and constant growth philosophy, while war and poverty will never end until the end, even if things are always getting better they say from the beginning of time and all the selection that found their place (well adapted through historical pressure defenders of whatever system and its ways (liberties) that can bring them enough well being (or the best system for the ego-gods ideology (ego people, manipulators, profiteers)). I should say that when you systemize people to like and defend your ways, you don't ask them to like someone with a different view and attitude. Anyway, to most people the system is all right like it is, with some personal modifications they'll always want to do to feel evolving and responsible.

Knowing how things are, I could pick a random child for the same result than if I made a serious investment of my energy to raise one. As for the genetic factor, it is mostly made worthless. All that to say even a homosexual couple could get better results than me in this reality, in big part because the power of love have been neutralized by profiteers and manipulators who have the freedom to transform any of the most beautiful words and principles to conflicting bullshit to manipulate masses in language disinformation. But too late, the selection have been made with true love as worthless and meaning anything that have nothing to do with love, and people will defend it with their life if they must. Parenthood and love is totally devaluated to the point of being a challenge; a child raised by robots would have as much chances to be no worse than any other child. Finally, my view of life, my principles and my ideals are worth nothing; I don't believe this reality will help my children toward any of what is important to me. So if I raise children they will be busted (look at synonyms) by this reality, and they'll probably hate me and I'll do the same, divide to reign. Still, I could make an exception if someone exceptional brought convincing arguments.

As for my parents, today I rage not only from some of their attitude with me, but against this whole world doing everything possible to create a throng of such difficulties in people. So don't make a fixation on me or my family; it is not only me or my history I want understood, it is mainly my point about life, even if it's of no use trying since there are enough writings and vast IQ people to lose anybody in big knowledge. But yeah, psy will say to people like me that it's important to write, and it is true that making the effort of writing why I act like I do and why I don't like so many things can be a therapy, particularly to psy and some others who knows so much about the mind and life, that way I can spend my frustration writing instead of killing my enemies and taking possession of their stuff, writing in poverty while they thrive having fun in richness, particularly when you have to decorticate everything to understand, spend your life understanding then get your book about unspeakable subjects dumped as fast as possible because you went too far and scared the selection in psychotic beliefs and conclusions...

Even if I'll make this therapy while writing, the true reason I write is to express things that are important to me, even if a lot of people won't like it; when I'll be finished I'll watch if a seriously important message expressed through a lifelong effort with heavy argumentation, emotional investment and intelligence can get across people's minds or if it is worthless. It is not worth it to write a philosophical painting that's in harmony with one's life if it's too big a self-investment only to get temporary emotions, attention, money or interest; making a mass killing or becoming a terrorist is far simpler to express your revolt or frustration you know, but it can only reinforce the selection; I'll let you guess how...

This book is my mark of appreciation of life, probably one of the last somewhat true philosophical expressions given in its honor before it fails in its goals due to the wanted willful ignorance of masses about the true importance of it. So while life is under mass extinction because of our attitude with it, while experts sing they know all about it, while people cry about this lifeform or that, we fail to see high consciousness as the reason for it since it would immediately conflict the ideology that is the basis of this reality, and it would invalidate whole slabs of our well adapted mind logic too. Taking the path of life would plunge this world based on the ego-gods ideology in depression and wars. But maybe someday before it's too late people will go over their personal frustrations and take the time to read what I wrote to the end and understand that giving birth to a new reality alongside this one is in the best interest of everybody, one way or the other. But for now nobody cares, and it's getting late...

Writing is becoming entertainment more than ever, junk food. Creating the philosophy to write this already took me the best years of my life; I don't like being a monk, and I surely won't like being ignored for my effort. Who wants to do it? It's better be worth it because never again will someone try doing it, for a panoply of reasons concerning people's attitudes they don't like, care or want to hear about, selection oblige. Concerning human life, I have almost lost all faith in it, even if I still believe it got potential contrary to the fundamentals of this reality that abandoned long ago to systemize profiting from life instead... and life includes almost everything related to us; matter, cells, humans, extraterrestrials, and all (more in Lift Off).

Before continuing with my youth, I'll say that the only way I can "pardon" is through understanding and justification by me, not you, even if it is incredibly costly in time and efforts and nobody will ever reimburse me. Furthermore, there are always too many facets to choose from, so where to put an emphasis? But today I know I wouldn't be me without spending that time. The last condition to get me to forget about a pain (pardon) is evident and persistent changes in the source. These conditions have been filled for most of my family, but not for the most important members, which always find a way to piss me off with unacceptable actions that I should not even try to pardon. After years of trying I've lowered my arms and decided to flush them all forever. I thought that tolerance and pardon was the solution for peace, for some time I thought I was done with that, and it contributed to make me reticent to expose much detail of my youth, but some recent events proved me that all the adult time I worked with good intent, some of them did with a hypocrite smile and lied about me behind my back. I don't want to ever live such a treason ever again, so I flushed all family, all of it, and anybody from the place of my youth, where I will probably never show my face again. I don't respect people who don't respect me, and the truth of my life is the most important thing to me, and I'm an adult and these bitching hypocrite games should be far behind me; if I can't get peace of mind through tolerance and pardon, or violence, then I'll get it by flushing the whole batch of problematic interrelated people. I'm tired of this, I try to see things positively, I definitively don't need family jealousy, bitching and hypocrisy to add bad feelings. I have no more place to live because I stood for my rights, because I wanted to be respected as a human being, and if I don't ask my mother to defend me, at least I ask her not to worsen my situation. But that was too much to ask, so now I'm done with anybody that's ever been in in contact with her, done and done, over and out, and it's a question of self-respect. I'll still use a comprehensive approach as I talk about family, because that's me; yes I have strong opinions, but I build them from arguments and I always try to be comprehensive. For now I'll explain a few other things about that part of my life, question of setting things in a somewhat more comprehensive perspective.

My mother comes from a family of around 15, my father 12 I think. In these times there was one power; the Catholic Church; people were run by the bible in part due to a retard the British created with war. The beginnings of electricity, television and radio would change that, but at the time, in many villages in Quebec, the church was supreme power. The government was there too, but it was the business of Quebec and Montreal, not much direct interventions in villages from the government until people got television, a governmental Canadian one; Radioh Canada. Until it came, the church was working hard to keep it all together under its strict and righteous grip. Their goal, it seems evident, was colonization of lands at all cost from racist pressures. We were manipulated by the British externally and internally, through Catholicism, learning institutions, radio, and they implanted families everywhere to spy and influence us. But that's just me that believes many English families in our villages were there to encourage Christianity and matriarchy, putting their hands in our learning ways and family values. I can only guess that the goal was some experimental hybridization royal matriarch thing, since the contract stipulated that Quebec was to stay a French place. Probably this is the result of the war of Britain vs France, and since they couldn't win, they made of Quebec the little dog of Canada. Matriarchy lead to moronic men btw, patriarchy lead to crazy women btw. Britain is a monarchy, not a matriarchy, Canada is not a matriarchy either, Quebec is a matriarchy implanted by the British. But there's necessity too, if men work too hard or too long outside then someone got to do double duty... It doesn't mean one is more intelligent than the other, it means that a man under the control of a woman for too long skips some mind abilities, abandoned to the woman, and this is exacerbated in an ego reality where the woman will even feel pride as a result, or superiority, completely destroying true love. I would think this effect is in part the cause of the better love relations of women finding shorter men attractive, shorter men (some) may have developed better characterial traits from not being under the control of women for too long in their life. Another way to see it would be to say that women's minds develop faster, probably due to some reproduction needs, and if they take control of a man, then they remove the need for a man to develop some facets of his personality adequately, and then the man will need more time, and the woman will continue to put pressure, and the man, love or no love, will become a fraction of himself, or a specialist, from the forever growing difference, something like that. And some women will profit from it to have all kind of crappy attitudes, to hate and disrespect, which is surely not a reflection of love, even if the man forever pardon as a twisted form of love that is not, it is a psychological failure; these women tortured their men and now they are with an handicapped person, probably psychologically castrated too. The worst is that these women will be nice to other men that could be a challenge, until the guy falls under their grip... My last love made me understand this, she had great patience with me, she never gave me an order, and when we separated she told me that time would do wonders with me, that we just didn't meet at the right time, yep, there are relations that end in deep respect, I wonder which ones...But I don't believe in friends after love, I'm a contrarian, so I think in the end (after we separated) she took the means to steer me away from her, because she understood my sensitivities, it's like trying to find tricks not to be in love, isn't that weird? And she was the same age as me, I would have wanted her so much to work on this book with me...

I will add that it's easy for sexual attractiveness and manipulation in women to be a tool to augment authority, then take this for superiority, but it got a tendency to end-up in baby frustration and very expensive luxuries. The best form of authority involves a maximum of judgment and a minimum of manipulation, while involving a maximum of consciousness and an exemplary behavior.

I think most women tend to be more practical and action oriented, they like to feel that they make things work, which relate to a tendency to take control if logical and simple laws are not met, generally. Evidently you got to consider reality's influence, which can totally erase this instinct with sufficient PMBBD, or direct physical collision. So if you're a guy and you do nothing a lot, then I would say it is normal that your girlfriend find herself a tendency to want to activate you. But that doesn't justify the attention disorder many women have of disturbing a man's peace with anything stupid just for the sake of it. I consider this torture, it is sick, and nobody should tolerate that, whatever your girl got the most enjoyable physique.

As for men, I don't know, they make plans to take it easier and make life more tolerable? Is that ok? I think men adapt well to having one big passion, it's like we can chose it, like a destiny; we get the intelligence necessary for the passion and the rest is just trying to have fun or competing as reality settles in, which is fine under a sane reward environment.

That's somewhat what I see but you got to take it lightly, or is it subjectively? Later I'll talk about women in position of control in an ego reality vs the same in a "life" reality, and this difference applies to women who, believing this difference, should make for better leaders, but I'm just trying to explain something I always instinctively knew in the "lesbian" side of my brain I could say, because in ego reality, in the theory I will develop, women end-up as the worst possible leaders, one way or another, in big part due to the greater numbers of reality or sex imposed hurdles they have to deal with, exacerbating ego as the only exit to dissatisfaction... But, as I'll explain, there is the "new" effect exception before ego overload; a terrible effort of belief in the system, a bit like denial; a tremendous effort in the beautification of reality, with a wave of women as perfect system leaders, then the slow degeneration to the end...Something like that...

Down to earth the problem is control, bossing around, or acting like the man or woman is less intelligent. But I won't explain all my opinion just yet, for now just know that the matriarchy-patriarchy thing is an evil perversion against true love that should never have existed, love is a whole, if you can't make a family as a whole (while separating some roles), then do it in a superior-inferior or bossing around manner but shut-up publicly and let the competent lovers sing, that way more people will act with understanding instead of sternly...

I've been dealing with frustrated controlling women all my life and most will go dictator as soon as they gain an advantage over a man, even if they'll be nice and have as many as possible near them for psychological castration and a superiority feeling, they'll even serve them, but you better behave...I have come to the conclusion that as soon as a woman starts doing the matron in her love relation she is losing her capacities to love, whatever the way it happened. The solution is complex but smile and respect goes a long way, or get away from men, or forget about love, well placed humility is more rewarding than it seems too. Unless you prefer that I put you all on an island where you can have your ant society until you learn to respect the most basic needs of human life and love.

I stood against controlling people all my life and my independent mind is what I gained. And sorry for those who tried to help me but failed, intents do make a big difference, it's just that as soon as I feel controlled I enter escape or battle mode, unless it is well justified, with experience that I can use as an example, or with specialty interdependence that I lack experience in. And it's not that women are evil, it's just that they are nearer life instinctively, and they move twice as much as men. Many will take space or power and use it without fear, particularly in this reality, they have intensity and patience too, a dangerous mix that may end-up, with too much authority, as controlling hysteria! (I have the authority thing, but I hate it, it's good to get kids scrambling to their niche though, or to get them to follow you.)

And I know there are many ways to gain or lose a mind, don't try to defend yourself, I know exactly what I'm talking about, and it is specific to frustrated controlling women. And fuck you if saying "women" is a sure sign of incoming sexism to you...If this reality had a bit of good those women would be by my side instead of being enemies, tough enemies, top tough, the heart? Crushed along their youth dreams long ago by the reality adaptation and competition procedures, so crushed that it is me that sometimes think I should shed a tear for them, and I hate it...Evidently, as always, my situation is exceptional, but it's me that gets the worse of it, particularly when I have to deal with those manipulating my files, they'll see throngs of assholes doing nothing but troubles and they'll pass under their radar, but me? I jam the thing, it all goes berserk, because I'm a lot of what they always wanted in a man, or just my presence makes their soul contort uncomfortably inside them, and I work for nothing, and they're too old, and I'm their enemy philosophically...But I'm sure deep down, those women I have lost respect for, I'm sure they can find where and how they lost it, because only then something will change and things will get better adjusted...

Back to the church, they used all kind of ways to reach their ends, crazily big families, playing a lot with fears of this or that demon if we did not make enough babies or work hard enough. A part of the result is that there were a lot of frustrated men and women ending up in the ranks of the clergy, spitting their acid on people without an education. Think of what it was for two young people without much of an education to raise a family of 15 without electricity at the ax and saw; what were their motivations? How did they kept order, have enough control to not let it slip into "chaos"? You started young to have children and put them to work as soon as possible. I guess it became a big dictatorship fast enough but does anybody wants 15 children in the first place? No, a religion profited from innocence to instill fears, to manipulate, use all kind of PMBBD on masses to reach such a result. But it's not worth talking about, even today most of our actions are the result of the same recipe; profiting from innocence to create fears, to spread PMBBD, compare it to disinformation with a goal, and most of it is unconscious. And you're not finished with these frustrating words; it's only the beginning, that's why I abbreviated the lot as PMBBD.

What did a girl do with a child at 16 in these times? She got married by Christianity for life and started producing babies. The key here is general good education (good), the less there is the more power sects and religions have. In my opinion, a steady raise for a long time in general good truthful education and basis of life should have eventually put current forms of governments in the same category, to let another more appropriate structure of systematization take place and raise civilization to the next level. That should have happened long ago, but religions by twisting gods into the ego-gods ideology, the devaluation of love and the media attitudes, controlled in big part by the system, made such process completely invalid, and the pressure will never stop until the failure of solar life, so you can bet my work will find a way to become ignored or dumped. That's in part why the political system, whatever the variation, stayed supreme power, condemning humanity to its view and ways; no encouragement of something different, just competition, not enough truthful education too (educating someone to fit the system or to see current governments as the only option is an education enforcing grave stagnations). At this point, I'm as well tell you the trick is to mix yourself a manipulation soup, but it's mostly unconscious; a never ending ambivalent and maladroit battle of evil vs. evil with good sandwiched between the two and taking the blunt of the hits and nowhere to turn to while being under pressure to go one side or the other, something like that.

Until we develop a philosophy of maximum truth, create a different selection basis, the democracy-capitalism business will stay the best even if we have reached the end of the ego-gods ideology philosophy more than a thousand years ago. Today it is still the poor, uneducated and educated by the media who do most babies and they are the most religious group too. But sects are gaining the upper hand at that, and they're getting better accepted by governments since you don't hear from them very often. Why religions and sects are so appreciated by the powers in place? Because they spread the ego-gods ideology, gods associated to manipulation and profiting attitudes, which goes hand in hand with a system based on ego competition. But they'll sing liberty (of manipulating people, to pressure select, to enforce a mentality). One thing is for sure; for a village with multiple families having a life mentality of raising 15 children, you must have a strict manipulation and brainwashing structure; I guess the first thing you learn is if you don't bow to authority you're going to forever burn in hell...

My parents both come from such families where you didn't raise children because you really liked them personally, but more for survival and from pressures; I even came to wonder if both my family line (the precise path to me, not the brambles) have ever had a fair life, known what it is to relax. That's the feeling I have, like they've been working non-stop from the beginning of humanity, giving everything to reap poverty and me I can't do it anymore because I'm at the end of the line, I was born unconsciously knowing it leads nowhere or worse, and I guess my only option is disappearance, or is it depression? Or is it revolt?

Most of my ancestors worked for a world to enjoy living in it, to reach good goals, whatever some of their old mistaken attitudes, they don't want to sit, eat and have fun; they want a systematization that will bring more positive to people like them. Good people won't say it, but it is what they thought they worked for, and they made tremendous efforts to steer themselves in the believed best path, and I can't doubt it, I've lived it; seeing my father working to self-destruction while watching rich people living in luxury from his effort is an example. And it is not the rich who bought him a house; he built it all from scratch. Building a house was a family business, and big houses meant big families; in her youth my mother's home was big as a building, entirely made of trees chopped at the ax, nails were big and square, for a family of 15 or so, they lost count, no, I don't remember, and they lost a few... So they somehow had sex to make that many children, their couples held, the family held, they didn't divorce, the man didn't need Viagra or pornography and sexual revolutions to stay with his woman; there was a beginning of love somewhere for sure.

We like to think our ancestors retarded, but to me everybody is more or less in some facets. I personally think a couple of children is best, big families don't interest me, and they are not the best way of love either. As for the mentalities of the time, they don't interest me much either. But at the same time, and in part because we responded extremely well to the pressure of Christianity for more people, this manipulation push lead to the peace and love batch which arose at about the same time as my mother's family. Seeing the result, I can say the evolution of family principles and love principles was far more advanced in old families than the peace and love trip. The problem was simply number, the rest of mentalities could be adjusted; the families were just too big, they'd have been somewhat ok with 3-4 children and the peace and love party would never have taken place. But I'm just supposing things since it started in the U.S. and I don't know if they were stuck in big families. Anyways, something else would probably have happened. The culprit of troubles are the ones who pushed people to raise such families; Catholicism for us, and I say they failed love doing so because they didn't care about it; they used it to manipulate like many people dealing with masses; they didn't believe in it, love was a manipulation tool to sell something, since priests don't know what love is...

Probably love made a violent revolution in its first true meaning because the powerful of the time didn't like the view so they twisted it to "strong liking" and "affection" with Christianity, since they could not be a reflection of it. The rich Romans saw love as a cumulating pile, a stash, of sex; an orgy, (whatever the bullshit portrayed in Hollywood movies) and I'm sure it made things very frustrating and unfair for normal people, while the Greeks gods picked-up any women to fuck them on stages... Love as a sane view of sexuality interrelated in everyday's life may have caused a massive revolt, so they probably squashed it violently, made an example out of the leader as to what would happen to anybody questioning their ways, waited some time while making themselves a wonderful story at a time where only them could "print" books and date them, then reset time to erase the hole (our whole view of the past is vastly based on what the powerful of the time wanted the future to believe). They twisted love true signification through Catholicism, replacing it with marriage, and love became a "god" thing; "loving" god was like "loving" superior rich people, but it couldn't work so it became love at all sauce, something like that.

Christianity mostly spread the present version of love as strong liking, the same for peace, and many other contortions you wouldn't believe the negative extent of through history. I can't believe love was seen as a synonym of strong liking or affection in its infancy, it got manipulated to serve profiteers. I believe the level of effort invested to make it a manipulative verb is at the level of the fear it instilled when it was first defined; that's why I say a widespread revolt and massacre probably took place because of true love if the rich had the means to pick and fuck anybody in the population in admiration, (the selection built with time which reflected the wish of those having the means or liberties others had not, and today it is successful to the point the rich don't even have to make an effort; the selection have been done with a fantastic pile of PMBBD through history until the cutest women run after them like...well, like that, and it is continually reinforced. That's why a book like 30 shades of gray is insanely publicized, it's the first book the rich would want a little girl to read, and know by heart preferably, they'll even make a movie out of it and you can bet they'll make it for young girls to watch it, and don't worry adult will all watch it too, and the young girl will sure someday read the book...). But in old times the selection wasn't as advanced, there was still potential to stop the process, so in a sense the lower layers of the pyramids who were unfairly disadvantaged may have wanted the situation where the cutest women all ended-up fucked by the rich to end, and love gave them that tool; love defined what was a good or evil view of sexuality and human reproduction. That's what I think happened, a revolt took place, clean-up and manipulation of history took time, so time was reset at 0 with the bible used as an extraordinary cover-up effort so we never know what happened in truth; they filled the hole with a twisted story they made from their worst enemy (don't think they couldn't control the few people who could write, prints were rare too, and you got easily crucified in those times); Jesus, in that optic, just happened to be a sensitive philosophical person living at the ideal time and place, and they used his vision to create Christianity, erasing the true story of him to make of him the enemy of people with a logical and strong mind; they made a blasphemy of one of the greatest human who may have walked this earth if he was the spiritual philosopher that defined love. Yet, resetting the time to 0 may reveal a more complex problem, like a conflicting developing ideology as someone who slowly got transcended by life (life is always late with its messages) and they may have had to cheat life by killing him before he changed his mind. And it was easy at the time to make it illegal to protest against an imposed story that happened 50 years ago... That's why I believe an external factor made new principles, and a "Jesus" as a spiritual philosopher can fit the spot. He may have been seen as the perfect tool to reinforce their developing manipulation story too; they used his philosophies, used his effect, killed him and made the bible from the writing his apostles cumulated, and if you say otherwise, you die, or if things go wrong it's because of Jesus...supposing he didn't write a word which sounds strange because unless he was illiterate, then you'd have writing of the guy, no? Small notes minimally. Yes you can do many things as an illiterate, but I don't believe developing deep philosophy and spirituality to be much of a possibility, so Christianity is lying if they say they have no writings of the guy; they burned his writings is more like it.

These are big suppositions, and I wouldn't fight the possibility that his lacks got reflected in bad philosophy too, all understandable, but Christianity was probably being made at the time... most of Christianity is an amalgam of more ancient religions, religions that all had a "Jesus" in them, they say, and those may all be spiritual philosophers who got their story stolen and manipulated by top bosses to form religions, or a religion implanted Jesuses everywhere as they manipulated history, or someone lied about Jesuses everywhere...And I say philosophers because I see them as humans, but they could be ideal life extrapolations, perfect sensitivities, and their bodies may become the attraction of gods, or they may truly be "sons" of gods as ordinary perfect humans. Some forms of life systems could transcend them too, because they could increase or decrease life's suffering tremendously, depending if they live long enough to understand and do things in their best way and skip becoming a tool to clean the mess "powerful" people made, as they use religions to reinforce their grip.

As for my parents building their own house, they never wanted to ruin everything to build big luxury houses for the rich; why don't they build their own homes if they're so good? From a to z for a change? What? Their luxury is dependent from inferiors? It's the market? They're market things to you? Go ahead, dig a hole, play in cement, cut trees, make planks, design them with motives, sand paper the house for months, solder iron, hack at granite. Ah, I forgot, your big mouth is worth an infinity of good people like my father, the sky's the limit! And you don't waste time with poor types who only know how to build you a castle, a few minutes of your very precious time for a manipulative thanks is the best they'll get, but don't worry, the selection have been made to see it as an extraordinary moment in their life... Then when they'll be in troubles from the systematic unfairness that have been patented to serve you best, you'll see them as a pity, poor inferiors bumming for "your" money and many will even answer they are worth their troubles; things are fair in the democracy-capitalism business, everybody gets their due, their worth. As for my parents who built their own house independently from the help of the rich, I'll add it is not the rich who gave them food; they raised, grew and hunted it. I'll concede that some indirect rich sold them a bit of "their" lands, then ruined them in taxes because they made the house beautiful, to the point they'll probably have to leave... At least they didn't build sewer pipes to finish themselves off in taxes for the new "service". But they sold my parents "their" electricity out of price, that which people like my father built thinking the distributors and caretakers would use their sitting brains to systemize it for good goals, not self-interests and creating rich gangs; they never, ever asked (or voted) for that.

They've been had from the beginning to the end, like most innocent followers of the ego-gods ideology (ego people as superior)... As for me, I simply can't work for this reality; I prefer death than to bow to it. The only really good thing I found I could do, after my "crisis of consciousness", like it's something negative, was to buy a gun and go killing "vampires". But I must listen to them or die, and I must forever give them a chance until the earth is a dead body... I have no right to kill, only them, they know what good and evil is, and at planetary scale at it, enough so they created a selection to fit their view through historical pressure; can't be more megalo than that! But you can bet evil is not them, that any other view is wrong, and most people will always defend them. But I have the right to write my frustrations, little minus, wow! Thanks, it's such a privilege! So I use the most peaceful way, even if they're the supreme experts at playing with words; I aint got their vast education, means, institutions and entourage to manipulate people and words... I'll still play their impossible competition, it's all I can do, but I better not win because my effect will transcend everything and my battle will take a very different form. They'll probably end-up saying I'm a fraud, that I should find another way to express my bullshit...

And by the way, I don't do this for me or family, too late, I do it as a tentative to save life from ego people, as simple as that. They failed to give me a good example, they failed to make me feel good, they failed to show me life, so it's my turn now; I'll give them a lesson of life, I'll teach them how to live, yes, me. But while I write their problem, they'll happily finish-off everything with their billions of gremlins just doing their job. Then when they'll be in the face of irreversible problems, they'll discard responsibility; I wonder on whom? Or they'll say they were an innocent, that civilization was young (until it's dead...) Sorry man, I'm done with your "I'm innocent" "I was younger" or "We learn by trial and error" argument (like it's the only or best way to learn, while they repeat the same errors from the beginning of humanity; like systemized unfairness, PMBBD on masses, everything competition...

If I am to give everything like my parents for the enjoyment of the most ego people, then I declare immediate war to anybody controlling (taking) unfair means; they are an absolute enemy of everything by the sole money (human life energy) they take all around and from the impossible difficulties they force people to live in. And I didn't even had to say a word about the "evil behind"; I know that what they hide so expensively is their good side, got to have one if the façade is already made of evident PMBBD... I want ego people to disappear, the whole planetary life is in troubles, good people are disappearing, and they are the destroyers; people who can't put a limit to their ego liberties are enemies of humanity, they are enemies of life, they are criminals, whatever the form.

As for those I qualify as the selection, they have everything to continue the ego-gods ideology, the king is dead long live the king, an army is waiting to take a seat where they can play in other's people's life, while they don't even control their own life...They are the better adapted or accepting attitudes developed to massive levels from pressures and manipulations of all kind, dreaming big and finding a way to boast, and I'll talk about them negatively because I believe it deficient in mental logic, or truth, or human attitudes (like seeking the truth instead of seeking to defend their wrongs with PMBBD arguments everybody will democratically applaud to). And they can only be what we call "adults"; young people haven't yet adapted to or accepted the reality of things. They are educated to do it though, with TV from birth, internet, and school and mass PMBBD, until they'll defend it, then too late, their mind will be formed and no amount of argument will reverse their fundamental drive. That's in part why I'll always consider the elimination of ego people and their selection as a viable option, because they condemn humanity to strengthen the attitude that better developed to defend the current fundamental ideology; presently the selection (pressure selection) would mostly be the people who accept or tolerate mass systemized unfairness, who think they are good for having a job, who follow what is legal (with a quirk), or believe in the religion of the place. Probably no other reality will come to exist as long as they continue the same eternal ego competition wheel; they won't want to leave space for another reality to exist, no, not independently, and for them spreading PMBBD on masses until the whole planet somewhat have the same attitude is a proof they are on the good track, or that they're discovering the good way of the human and life, then they'll ask scientists to study the resulting human as a proof we are like this and like that.

If people accept and tolerate and encourage things to remain as they are, then that's the form humanity will take, particularly in an ego competition; the less you ask for the more ego people will take, the more you act like a moron the more you'll be exploited. If people decided they wanted more or better at a risk to their survival, then the system would have to adjust or civil war, within the ego reality if you can't go beyond that. The problem here is that time is limited, at some point the system will have systemized all tools to defend itself and condemn people, and it will be very hard for people to be capable of fighting for better, and the selection process will eventually condemn humanity to take a final form, even with genetic traits, if people who strive for better are ignored or don't reproduce or are rejected.

So everybody wants the whole planet under one form or the other of the ego-gods ideology, except me, and nobody will want to leave space to try something really different since a successful different reality would invalidate too much history and mind development, while destroying too many things they hold as facts about the human being and life too. They'll only accept extraterrestrials as a valid example of another path, but those don't visit very often to say the very least... I should add, following what the PMBBD industry tries to implant in our head about aliens, they are guaranteed to be very moron beings, with a ridiculously retarded system not worth a name, like a straight system of colorful self importance hierarchy, or a tribe system of peace and love, or a system of war trophies, or an insect super brain system anybody? Anyway, not chance movie makers would use their big imagination to develop a civilization with a credible system not made insignificant in ridiculous attitudes and not based one way or the other on the ego-gods ideology (ego competition). I guess only me got what it takes to imagine something really making sense in all its facets and interrelations while having no deficiencies...

And don't come at me with the project Venus; this view of the future is ridiculous, even if the city has some good points. I don't understand why it gets so much publicity, the guy must be rich! I'm sure it was invented as an added preventive protection to the present system in the event people revolt and violently ask for a different way; it would explain why it is continually publicized everywhere like a brainwash, like it is "the" alternative, or an example. It will get publicity and professional help to embark all the revolted while my genuine piece of work (A possible result of my philosophy I'll describe in Life Reality) which makes far better sense will probably never get a hint of help or publicity. I simply can't believe the guy thinks humans don't need a reward system; without a reward system there is no system, no businesses, no industry, no construction, not even a tribe of anarchists! Among other incredible failings, there is no global view of good and evil. Do good and evil exist? Yes or no? You can't say a good action exist if an evil one doesn't, in fact everything that makes-up a civilization is based on good and evil. Another lamentable failing? Money has no value; that man has simply no idea of what money is! But to his defense, I'll say it's the case for a vast majority of people who think it is a monopoly game kind of thing invented by bankers because it's what a systemized unfair system made to serve the most ego people wants them to believe. The simple truth is that money is human life energy transformed to numbers and nothing else (more in Systematic Magic), and you cannot give no value to human life energy the same way you can't give the same value to all actions (calculated in time) a human will do. So this Venus project is a guaranteed fail right from the start, the only worthy element is the city itself which may be interesting to build for something different. Probably he is a loose government agent, a good manipulator without attachment anymore, probably been paid a few millions by father Bush or something to carry on the failed project until the end of his life, and if he stops doing it, he get killed along some other family, something like that. With all the PMBBD, the most willing to try a different way will embark and shout loudly to get the project underway, it will cost trillions to build, a ruin causing resentment and pressure from the selection who prefer satisfying rich ego people, and when it will lamentably fail or end-up as a sect of die hard banana eaters, people will simply abandon all hopes of another way, nothing truly different will ever be tried again. I say that's why such a failure is publicized so much, while the project I'll make, which will be far better, will probably be dumped (ignored). It is a monetary question you say? Well, I work more than a normal shift doing what I do, so how did he get money for pub if he worked? Or who gave him a kickstart? What I'll produce will be worth far more publicity and I'll need all kind of 3D artists to make my city visually attractive too, so let's see what happens. For now, you'll only get black and white blueprints...

In theory I should have written that last paragraph in another chapter, but I think it is appropriate somewhere around the beginning of my book to prevent people from seeing my work as a project Venus horror. In fact, I wrote the whole book before looking at the project Venus since I had no T.V. or internet until I finished, but I'll talk a little more about Venus later. To go back on the topic of this chapter which should be about my life as an introduction to my revolt, revolt that will lead me to attack this reality from all sides while developing my philosophy and spirituality until I finally invent a new reality (my main feature is not the city; it is a new reality that can work alongside the present one) and give ways to birth it.

I don't even think it possible to have enough wisdom before 21 to know if you'll be good stable loving parents for the next 18 years, 6 years a baby, 6 years a child, 6 years an ado. The church forced the stability for extreme results in reproduction but love, fairness, independence and more took the hit. Maybe they found no other choices for another life than this one, even though their unconscious knew they were not made to make 15 babies. To raise such a family you had to become dictators and manipulative parents, controlling and deciding everything strict and hard; calculated lard pieces for supper and an orange for Christmas if you've been good and worked hard, almost.

Even in my youth an orange was a rare sight, while lard was infiltrated everywhere, burnt working hard, while other people were living in luxury doing almost nothing... Mother cooks better than her mother though, and the good food she cooks is wonderful, but she made horrors too, and who gets the worst? But I found something interesting about lard in its interactions with meat, I don't know what the phenomenon is but it seems to exchange bad taste for good taste; the lard will taste worse while the food will taste better, but maybe I'm hallucinating, or, is it a toxin thing? I think lard stores toxins, so it may remove some from closed cooked meat making it taste better. Mother made of me a wild meat maniac, and presently if I am to cook some wild meat, I try to incorporate lard stripes I'll remove later. But it didn't work like that when I was young...Still, with time lard pieces became a paranoia in the family, even mother came to hate it, so there is a lot less today, but all men have lard immunity! We don't grow fat, my father cooks his steak, even today, in tons of fat, and you'll have a hard time stopping him cleaning the pan with a piece of bread, and he stayed rock hard all his life. I did gain a little, with tons of nutella and cheese, but it became a 2-3 lbs mood buffer I can lose in a week.

To go back to my things, I wouldn't underestimate the unconscious displacement effect of lifelong self-ablated frustrations playing havoc in the family too, and probably the black sheep of the time were worse off than me; I'm just lucky since school for my parents worked at the stick...Yes, teachers, and particularly the religious kind, had the right to beat children up into obedience, and they did! And they had a strong tendency to pick one in particular... Don't believe the embellished emotive stories they show on T.V. about how good it was living in old times; all our history have been manipulated in falsehood. I personally believe someday the truth will come back to us and you can bet we won't be proud to be such liars, or be rewarded for it; the best life-forms of the universe are capable of living with their own truths, they cherish truth, surely not PMBBD babblers... Anyway, we got to be careful judging parents who did the same things the learning or religious institutions of their time did, and we still haven't made peace with that, and god knows how peace is important...

That's in part how my grandparents did their packs of children, but these are old and very recent, forgotten times... Many such families lived with tremendous pains, all sort of pains, and many are ashamed of the mistakes they did, and proud of their strength at the same time. Me? If it was not for the troubles my mother gave me as I became an adult I would have found a way to be proud of them, whatever the difficulties they gave me, some got to sip out somewhere, and as well be the one that can take it, and my mother has lots of Indian blood in a very intelligent skull, life may have been too much and not enough for her, but that applies to many people...But don't worry, I'm not the only one to have tasted mother's character, I've seen her chase-off a few assholes with good hits. Today things are totally different, and those people are silently dying while bringing their vast memories and skills, and pains too, to their tomb, and me I won't be there because they failed me all along my life. Not everything is pardonable, and pardon erodes with repetition, even if some things can be better understood when put in their context, but at some point it's a matter of self-respect. At least they didn't do sexual abuses, and I've never seen them do drugs, or fuck with strangers, I felt exactly the contrary; I felt they tried to hold things together, they had values, principles, and they held to those, the wrong ones too I guess.

I still felt it was a little logical that I clean more dishes, that I sometimes get punished because I did dangerous things, I truly almost burned down the house you know, by accident, but still. Or if one of my sister got a doll, as soon as it stopped doing its noises I'd consider it dead, then kidnap the baby to make a splitting operation to recuperate organs that were still good for some other transplantations, then I'd put it back in its place, innocently dead. I'd then go mecano with my small Tonka, installing motors, transmissions and fuel tanks, cut a gi-joe in two for the driver, or for bigger ones; Hulk Hogan rubber will do, then I'd sell it at school... yeah, I instinctively understood marketing and capitalism before everybody else, and I dropped it before everybody else too... Toys disappeared with me; they quickly got transformed into something else, and this quest for the little motor was a real pain on the family as I awaited any battery device to look lonely... And electricity was another thing too, I'd remove batteries electrodes to make impressive short circuits explosions hidden behind my pillow, I passed hour electrifying myself for the fun of it; I want propane for an experiment? No problem, take a big nail and hammer it in a can to make a good hole, Pang, Pang, Pang Pfffffffffff!!! Then pour propane in a jar (the strange thing is that I'm not sure I'd repeat that today, even if I know it works, for me, and don't try it with aluminum containers, they become blocks of ice that can explode in your face...). I made bolt bombs that became such a success I think they eliminated the type of matches needed for it off the surface of the earth; I never met these matches again in my life. So what to do with me? In this world with all kind of things to know and understand in my dangerous candor? They limited me and used pain as a learning strategy, but it didn't work at all because I failed to feel bad for my bad actions. My father understood me better, giving me quests instead of orders, and I liked it; he would repair the pick-up, find a rubber seal he couldn't slot back around a piece, then abandon telling me I'd save him 50 bucks if I could reposition the thing. Then I'd play all day long with it until I succeeded, running back triumphantly. He made me understand as a way, more than punishing as a way, but too late, it changed nothing to the momentum in me and it would take a long time and much effort to get out of it, particularly after I grew a fighter against this reality as soon as I started studying it a little. These are some reason why I'm still careful with my opinion of them.

Today, many older people will justify their harsh or unjust ways of raising their child by talking about the time of their youth, and it is the good and right thing to do. So if you want to compare and judge that person, you can at least do it in part in the context of the reality of their time. That's the first step they want you to take before they talk about their personal lives, particularly if they lived their youth cutting trees with an ax and made maximum babies without electricity, washing machines, pampers or Ritalin...

When you listen to them there are a few constants coming out; they wouldn't raise half as much children, even my mother said that. Next, they won't say it aloud but you can feel a lot of them stayed with a bad aftertaste of Christianity; it cost them a lot. But we tend to forget that a structure is better than none, a religion can provide a big part of it, adapted for or in a "pyramidal reality". Here it was used brutally as a tool to manipulate control and colonize and we brutally dumped the ugly thing as soon as we could.

Quebecers are one the rare "cultures" that successfully got rid of religions to the point of not teaching it anymore and letting churches crumble, but we probably did it by mistake or unconsciously since we completely overlooked, and still do, the need for spirituality in people. The all-powerful Catholicism is failing, and it made tremendous effort; it parachuted thousands of churches in every corners and trained priests by the platoon! But we still gave them the honor finger, and if we could continue honoring powerful institutions that way without compromises, it could very well free enough our thinking to start revealing remnants of the true Quebecker spirit.

Probably the spiritual emptiness will be taken over by sects, charlatans manipulators will use the spiritual emptiness left by Christianity to make big profits, and we will regress mentally in some facets since the ego-gods ideology is far more evident in sects (whatever the form). But what are the other options? Discover back the greatness and profundity of atheism? Yeah, to grow the "Who cares" hordes, who will probably discover back their religion when they'll despair, to get their sins pardoned, or to justify their fear of fighting the true source of their problems, or to finally get that feeling that they're better than others, or to get back some hope, but it is my experience that hope doesn't last in a healthy mind, whatever the extent of your imagination, too impalpable, and wishing squarely doesn't work. I replaced wishing and hope with belief related to possibilities and potential long ago and I feel good whatever the incredible bad lucks and hostility I continually live through, but I've always fought; if I'm healthy and cute and look younger than my age without makeup it is because I try to reach my ideal self and to be exemplary whatever the situation or adversity, and this book is a proof that I fight for the integrity of my mind too, which should be the only valid reason to terminate my life by myself; losing mind integrity (independence) from being forced to pharmaceuticals. And I'm not talking about the fact that I've been living almost incarcerated and without friends and love from lack of means for the most part of my life.

So no adequate spirituality to fill the soul of Quebeckers, except my revolutionary vision, made in Quebec, how about it? But people tend to be either mediatized or jealous these days, and their brains are very fragile, they must be protected from any truth that could hurt their feelings, unless it's a feeling filling a media or governmental agenda... Our life means something more than staying alive (surviving), we can't do without philosophy and spiritually, we are not animals, and as long as we don't want to "invent" ourselves a global philosophical-spiritual base making more sense, find ourselves a "soul" more up to date and based on logic than the ego-gods association, we'll be plagued with unfair gurus, legal criminals and towering superiors, powerful or rich, and beautiful entertainers too, but we may want to keep beautiful entertainers, just adjust their value a little.

And sorry for the selection but they are not supposed to have unfair means and the right to stuff masses with PMBBD in liberty; fairness applies to everybody, no exceptions, and unfair people should be controlled or eliminated as an absolute top priority for any civilization that wants to strive for good (live trillions of years, or forever); all crimes are done by unfair people, you'd think stealing an apple has nothing to do with fairness? There is no crime if the one stealing it can't get enough food while another one has too much, you understand the difference? "Not enough-too much"? Particularly if the one tagging the other is the one with unfair means... A good systematization exists to stop unfairness, the worst system you can make, or the most evil, is one systemizing unfairness, encouraging it, defending it. I'll add that a system is not made to defend its economy, it is made to do good with people, to help them, make them happy, to make things fair, to fight evil, to develop science and technology for evolution, the economy is a critical mean to reach such goals, but it is not the goal.

As for my grandparents, they worked unbelievably hard and were incredibly strong. They will tell you it was too hard and they died young too. I have some souvenirs of one of my grandpa but it is an old thing, all dead both sides before I had a chance to know them. The sole sister of my mother I knew is dead too, all from working their life out to fill already criminally rich pockets. Furthermore, all of them, when they asked health care, have been served deathly incompetence by the best health care system of the world serving the rich with rich doctors publicizing their profiting profession like they're heavenly saviors. I'm tired of hearing we have the best health care system of the world while people suicide at the tons, it is all a lie; knowledge advances, technology advances, if you want the most ego people to profit from it so be it but my aunt recently died at the incompetent hands of doctors (the result of an old mistake, always...), and you know what is the most disgusting thing? She has been a nurse all her life, working for people managing the old like a dirty industry, or street houses for the poor.

She had the greatest heart, and nobody ever saw her face on TV, and she lived the cheapest life you can give someone for it! As for boyfriends, I guess she had no better luck than many women with a better mind, but the difference is that she didn't become a cold system bitch, too much sensitivity running in the family... And who is game to go back to university at 45, get better scores than everybody else, and to help still better and more people around you at a low salary? I'm not saying she was a saint or something, but at least something, I have no idea about all the evils that woman had done in her life, but what she carried as memory with her to her death is a long list of the most disgusting stories of human degradations you can possibly cumulate, I listened to her stories, this woman have witnessed a lot of horror in her life, listening to other people's horrors too, and every times she told "authorities defenders of the rich" about it, you know who paid for it? Nobody else but her, nobody ever got punished, authorities don't care unless it's on T.V. that's the truth of their exemplary and representative consciousness. One got to wonder if they defend horror, maybe they want it, they "love" to dwell in it, maybe a big part of their salary depends on it... Anyway, they can say we're in the best system all they want, I say it is the best evil system, the fastest track to the hole!

She lost a "hundred" jobs and never got a decent salary for it because she was one of the best, she was exploited to nothingness, nobody cared about her while she cared for everybody, and she kept a smiling and joking attitude all along; and for what? For Celine? To be killed for all what she stood for, and to die with the feeling that you did not do enough, or that you did something wrong, that humanity has gone to hell?

This woman proved me this reality is an irrecoverable mess I can qualify as hell. She was worth far better than such a life, but not only she has been seen as worse than nothing, but she suffered for it to the end. So go ahead, babble diplomacy a thousand years in luxury, but know that I'll never want my children to reap either my life or the life of the people I appreciated the most if they are to stand for good! And the selection continue, go ahead, manipulate, get your experts out to say it is an exception, prove things are well and getting better with your manipulated numbers, smile, publicize the places where everything works well, the system is fair and good and full of justice! Continue this "good" craziness while the world will collapse from it. This is not "evolution" of humanity; it is the failure of it.

My father liked wrestling, hockey and cowboy movies in his youth, he was an Elvis amateur too, took great care of his person, but his sports were more necessity related even if his strength and endurance was fantastic beyond many rich sportsmen. He could walk whole days with a huge leather backpack and a fiber plastic canoe on his shoulders, trekking in the forest like that, only stopping for a smoke, and me with an orange cooler full of ice strapped on the chest and another one on the back for some bumper and live cooling. I was really appreciated in any trips my father did with his brothers too, and building that solid beam family chalet with uncles running all around while I'm stripping trees of their skin in the middle of the place was great too, not the touchiest job but I really liked it and they did too. Making trails and going through all these wonderful places woke up of my forest "spirit", climbing a mountain and seeing the greenery all around and feeling it breathing, feeling its weight, its presence; I remember that moment like it was yesterday. I could pass weeks in these adventures, traveling in swinging rivers 3 canoe in a row, each with a 3 wheeler in them, flush with the water, a package I was, any little move was interdicted. Did you ever try circle fishing fat fishes that don't want to eat? You take a bunch of canoes and turn around a lake disturbing them until they end up in a clear spot; a small lake can contain lots of big fish, then you can have better chances to catch them. But you got to keep on turning to keep the fish in the same spot, testing all kind of techniques in exclamations of wonders to almost end up catching them by the tail "jigging" (luck). We didn't catch that many, it was just fun, and we left when a 6 wheeler jumped in the water demolishing the whole spirit. Now don't worry, you don't have to do that to empty a lake of fish, just a little over-fishing, even if some lakes are so full it's hard to believe. And this applies to the oceans, which could be full of fish to spill but are almost empty, and we need food; how will we fill back the oceans now? With genetics? Ah! Sorry, pollution, and we'll add more with our fish farms because we don't see them as whole ecosystems.

As for smokes, no filters, they smelled better too, and he could roll them one hand at 100 km/h in dirt roads... but he had impossible reflexes which he gave me too. At the moment you thought you'd crash down a ravine from meeting another crazy incoming followed by a vast cloud of dust, he'd give a thousand's second roll of the wheel to bring it back full center accelerating in the cloud of dust and garnets, and me flabbergasted by the near death experience. We never talked of these things, maybe a little smiling "tabarnic" and a readjusting in our seats, while looking at each other from the corner of the eye, almost ready to burst out laughing (I would not drive like him, don't worry). And he could laugh of mother a little in my presence too, nothing bad, just an understanding wink, kind of, and it helped me a lot in toughing my youth too, since, even if I may look shy and sometimes imbecile, it's just a façade hiding the complexity of my thinking and it's good to test people too; I got a terrible character, and want it or not it didn't help me and mother like each other, I could make her feel bad too, so father's attitude helped for that.

In the forest everybody knew him, we even met Indians ready to exchange blood on the spot... He always carried his ivory buffalo skinner, just in case, but he mostly used it to strip-off beavers of their skins, or to work some moose internals. Now he can't much do these things anymore, arthritis killed his hands, and since like them I like this food, someday I'll have to make an effort and go get some; I don't like to imagine I won't have the pleasure of cooking wild meat anymore. I could say the same for many things, it's been years since the last time I went fishing. I often think of them, but for now I have other businesses to attend to, yet, somewhere along the way, it would be cool I better enjoy my moment of life a little more.

My father at his best had many skills, he built an incredible house for one (Yes my mother was necessary, it's just, well, building a house...), wood and stone working, trapping, hunting, fishing, drinking and smoking too. He worked all week at the wood mill and did other things in the weekend at home or in woods, and even if he had a break in the winter and one in the summer, he never really stopped working. He is older now, still trapping, fishing, hunting and building things, just with a lot less strength, intensity and endurance. He lost a discus now and then too, which made things quite strange for me; as I grew up my father shortened down, and he was as tall as I am presently. He got many scars from numerous accidents, like tree bash down from behind or his bad habit of shaving with a chainsaw, but it never stopped his good living manners and sense of humor, and working like crazy either, whatever the bandages...

It was more difficult for my mother. She was the boss of the house; she was strict, liked cleanliness and being obeyed. She still lived the last summersault of that big family mentality and we were still going to the church every Sunday. She was a bit more educated than my father and she liked buying all kind of books, whish I've never seen her read I should add. Painting, cooking, taking care of all kind of plants and flowers, inside and outside of the house was "her" things too. She took her role extremely seriously and it is what reached and held me for a long time, seeing her painting like it was a vast enterprise, gardening like an alchemist, making the flies for my fishing trips, cooking the food of the earth. She had all the abilities to be the greatest mother, but that would depend on the type of children you'd grow-up to become, so my feeling are very ambivalent about her.

She took care of a big diverse garden while rising all sorts of farm animals; eggs, chickens, turkeys, ducks and rabbits, all excellent. But she was an explosive person and she didn't like me falling in her stuff, particularly since I quickly grew a lock picking pro... But she had 5 children to deal with, so yes I came to understand better, but it would not be enough. She was a very independent and commanding woman with a strong character and voice, voice that I couldn't endure physically. When she talks loudly it kind of scratches the inside of one of my hear and cause a severe pain that can take weeks to get away, all that inside a few minutes, I simply can't stand her when she starts talking loudly, and it is worse when she starts transposing her attitudes on my father or men in general. This woman simply hates men, she'll be very happy when we are all extinct, she boast that women will eventually rule the earth and that they can make babies without men, and everything will be perfect then! And she is serious, you better not argue or she'll start talking loudly and she'll really get angry if you bring arguments proving that men are necessary, so you can bet there won't be true love in future ant societies... But I stopped talking philosophy with her long ago, I made the mistake a few times and had to pass hours listening to her authority, which would get my ears ringing for a week, no wonder my father is almost deaf, which she'll put on the back of anything but herself... It's like when I sleep there, she'll say my father is noisy, but at 6 o'clock in the morning there she goes walking loudly and starting the washing machine and doing noise on purpose! But that may be specific to me, I don't know, but I stay in my bed and don't embark because I know she's ready for troubles...Now that she's older she doesn't go much outside, she keeps it at taking care of her plants, and she'll accuse my father of absolutely all her failings; if she doesn't paint anymore it's because of my father making noise (never seen someone as silent and as respectful as him, and he built the whole house while she painted) if she doesn't do a garden anymore it's because my father stole her job and is doing it, the same for farm animals, she hates my father for taking care of rabbits and chickens and birds, she'd prefer them all dead, he is just stealing all her jobs, he's even starting to plant flowers! The truth is that she doesn't do anything outside anymore, and she's dependent of my father for much of her wellbeing, as she's always been through all her life, let's see how she'll perform without men in the world now, maybe as an ant society, but that would be kind of like ultimate hell in the scenario that solar life survive that long without the UI or gods or extraterrestrials to end the misery of it... It cost me 100$ out of the 300$ I have for a month to visit them, I asked her to help me with half of it 50$, once, but she'll think about it only if I'm very very very "good", if not she'll forget. But she'll give me a bit of food, that my father collects or raises, or that visit gives them, but she'll prefer to waste it from what I see. Last year she had the money to completely remake the top bathroom to luxury, ugliness I would prefer to say since it was far better in its old form to me, but she didn't have the 50$ for my visit, that I see as my Christmas or birthday present (both are at the same time) not even a little something like a bottle of wine for my birthday (she did that for a few years when we were at peace), but she had big preparations for my sister. My father went to the market and came back with chocolates and a bottle of wine (not for him, he don't drink anymore), I'm sure he did it so we could have some with the fishes we would have for supper, she took the chocolates with a kind of uncaring thanks, and stashed the bottle of wine with the 2 other she had for my sister's visit. I understand that she owes me nothing, but I'm a man of fairness, and these things piss me off. And she always arrange things so I come to visit alone, that way she can have all kind of shitty hypocrite attitudes that make me very reticent to go there, I do mainly for my father and my brother, they appreciate me and they don't have to do anything to prove it, it just shows, even if my mother tries to make me look bad. When my grandma died, my father told me she wanted to see me before dying, and my mother refused by lying to her that she didn't know how to reach me (I had the phone at the time, and she only had to ask my brother), my grandma got angry and told my mother that she never liked her, and that's why these are probably the last times going to my parent's place; I have come to believe that what I had mistakenly taken for a change of attitude in her for years was in fact pure hypocrisy, and I don't want her to say the same thing to me on her death bed as a kind of vengeance on men, because I fear it may as well be true and that she passed her whole life hating me in secret, like all the problems in her life are my fault, the only one that stood up to her, or that she couldn't keep castrated under her grip, and she wouldn't dare miss an opportunity to fight what she despise just before dying... My father did once stand up to her, while drunk, and she flushed him right there, I was there and he just barely got angry, a fraction of what she's capable of delivering, and you have no idea how she can lose it! But she lied and ran away with everybody except my brother that had schizophrenia, yeah! She likes him so much...My father never drank a drop of alcohol ever again, he closed his mouth and did as he was told to get back the family together. In the name of his submission I tolerate her, because you can bet my father will die before her, and then I won't go there anymore, and she better not leave me the house as a proof that she always liked me or I'll...well, I'll sell it and give the money to the rest of the family. But I don't think that will happen, I'll probably die before her too, and she seems to have a very contorted vision of my youth that simply doesn't fit with my experience, that she's not shy of sharing with the rest of the family when I'm not around from what I've overheard after pissing her off and running away around a corner to listen to her losing it...At least she can't say I have beaten her or raped her, but I'm sure she have very valid reasons for beating me up though... And that's about it for the ugly, I forgot a lot in the name of family too (including the part of this chapter I removed, my first 16 years), and it is not what I would call a success because she is a good manipulator.

Then there are really weird things that makes me question wtf happened at the beginning of my life, things that I've never been responsible for, whatever she'll demonize me as a baby or as a kid... I didn't eat the top of my fingers to the joints out of stress at around 12 for nothing, the same for suicide, and dying out of despair (out of breath), and I was super cute and intelligent and curious, so how can a sane kid come to this level of stress or anxiety at that age? But I'm not convinced these things resulted solely from the attitudes of my mother, and there may exist justifications for hating a kid, like not your own, or other people you have no choice to bow to (like priests, or impostors priests) needing to see (do things to) the baby while away from your sight, or supposedly good people (like priests, or impostors priests) telling you the baby is bad seed...

But I'm just looking at the worst possibilities that could exist, and don't forget I'm inventing myself a fictional story, my true mother is probably the nicest person you could meet, probably...As you already know, all the older people I have known have been influenced by religions, and all of them have been inhumanly exploited in their belief, and sacrifice is involved. And at the time, excuse me, but religious bosses were a bunch of crazies to the point that I believe the history they spring from, the "evil behind", must be extraordinary evil. Their attitude on this new land caused all kind of perverse decantation and explosions of violence and displaced at it; they revolted people unconsciously, even their own believers. Their success at brainwashing is almost worse than sects, even their sacrament of garments we contorted them all to use them at their logical places; to express strong negative feelings! They didn't like it, so we had to cheat swearing, unless we were tagged as daemons, since problems never come alone... so when the Catholic church got flabbergasted by us Quebeckers twisting their wonderful sacred words like they did themselves with the most beautiful sacred words and principles, they made it a big evil to use such words in conversation with the result that tabarnac became tabarnic, esti became esto, calis became caline, Christ became Christi, etc. All those became widely used by people, almost automatic magic, like it was the logical thing to do, like a big major revelation of what our unconscious thought of them. And what could they do? Make all such variations of language evil too? While there is no bigger evil contorting all good words and principles in this word than them? I say keep up the good work, we'll get them (in my dreams, don't worry there is no more vengeful people than religious saints, Quebeckers may as well end-up with the pope living in the rebel tribe, and don't laugh, as long as you don't totally incapacitate them, they'll always come back like a cold; they are a sickness of the soul, and they created it by twisting spirituality, they profited from one of the most important thing that makes us surpass ourselves, they systematized it for profiting, condemned us to go back to it, and probably the only way out is to make a new reality where their liberties with masses are better controlled.

Now, I don't want to justify all wrongs through the evils of the system or religions, but I can retrace a lot of their actions I didn't like straight to Christianity, and these actions disappeared from Quebec's culture proportionally to the number of people who dumped Christianity, even if it may only be a coincidence. Still, the fact remains that my parents gave me grave difficulties, enough so that I lived through a few suicidal experiences. I would later ask myself if I should "love" them, respect and care for them, feed them and clean them when they'll be old like they did with me. Don't do to others what you don't like being done to you is what I say, and give your frustration back to the source I might add, no displacement to innocence! But I'm a thinking man. Without talking about my family, the law system is made to protect its not perfectly "manipulated" workers by making it a ridiculous struggle to attack them back at the right time; it will give an example once in a while to smolder consciousness but it is mostly not worth the struggle. Anyway, they rarely find worthy justifications in their manipulated and conflicting actions that redirected their frustration to innocence, most are not able to say why they did such things or what was their situation at the time or if they regret doing it; most will just say they don't remember, and some will even justify wrongs or even bad parenthood or try skipping their responsibility (they didn't explain themselves to children with competence, why would they do it with adults?) with a shut-up argument like "I am not perfect" or "nobody is perfect" or "I did my best". In some situation they would be better saying "I did my worse" because if that was your best I wouldn't want to see your worse! So when you have the strength to want retribution, you are the one suffering through your past while it's not worth it anymore, and you'll most probably displace your frustration in a never ending wheel of wrongs...

When you gain the consciousness to somewhat understand what happened and the extent it can take in reality, when you try going through all aspect of it, then you want peace (the true signification of peace), you want all that to end; you don't want to waste your intelligence for a legal joke of a battle to have a bad aftertaste of pseudo vengeance on an old person not worth punishing anymore, settling a score that will change nothing in reality. And it's even more unsatisfying if the person has changed; you may even feel bad about it. My parents have some good defenses for their punition ways, and I want to believe they made the effort of changing, and that's where you can situate evolution; learning and changing. Can I say the same about the reality? It may seems like yes but everything have become twisted as a reflection of more twisted forms of violence (I'll talk about a new form of mental prejudice next chapter), including PMBBD mind violence, so my answer is no, and not only that, but it is the main reason for my parent's attitude; my parents are not my enemies, this reality is, and is continually worsening in my opinion; I dedicate it this book.

Yet, even if I can somewhat understand my parents for some of their hard ways, I was always cold with them and I can't do otherwise. One reason is the lack of affection, be it touching or words; I know you just need a little for a male children, the contrary is a disaster, but I don't remember any. Next is the black sheep thing pushed too far; I can understand, at the limit, that mother needed me to be exemplary, and to displace some frustration too, but she made me the pariah of the family for one, and there are things that traumatized me forever, like planting a pencil in my hand and (after like a second) breaking the tip in because I was poking my brother with it (I kept it there as a souvenir), or failing my nose (Not broken but it was making a strange noise when I pushed it, I could feel it moving a little), or hitting me with a nailed plank by mistake (I jumped so radically in the air I tumbled down the stair; she was sorry but too late, I didn't want to believe her, and I'd remember the pain for the rest of my life.) The principle was that I'd climb the stairs where she waited with a plank, then I'd present one hand after another, and if I didn't do it, it would be father that would drag me on my bed and do it on my butt so hard I wouldn't sit well for a week, in theory, but a butt can take a licking and well...forget about that.... The failed nose was a lack of patience; it was the only time, along with the nail, that I went down the stairs, apart from an accident where I ran away from her to stumble on shoes and plant my hand on the "nail" of a missing doorknob, and I saw it coming; enough time to choose between my hand or my head... Yeah, I'm very unlucky at it, there was this big "nail" sticking out, the only one in the house, and I found a way to plant my hand on it, and I tumbled down the stairs to succeed! And there I ended-up, laying on the ground, beaten, with a hand planted on the door. The worst is that such situations happened every time I tried to escape her, I'd run away in the woods jubilating only to plant a bramble straight in the middle of my eye, then I'd go back home crying adequately.

Evidently, these were not the only punition she used on me, kneeling straight for hours was terrible, worse than the stick (plank I should say, I'm a man...), and skipping food happened too, and you better not steal some...The funny thing was the nice expression she used to say I would not have food, you "passed under the table" like life was some kind of monopoly dictatorship game, and everybody played it since we had widespread expressions for it, like the black sheep will pass under the table tonight...Like everybody knows what that means... The trick is that such things start very young, it's like a cultivation, and you can only get out of it when you are around 16, where I went to the army. I even knew at some point when I'd get a beating right when getting out of the school bus, from some unconscious clue and feeling. And don't think I'm the only one to have been hit by a woman, I saw quite a few I'd been ready to bet they were just missing the stick, or more like a torture device of some kind, but I think it is mostly generational, even if most of those women are still alive while the ones they put their attention on are dead...

So don't think you'll meet many like me, it is lung cancer that killed them (for the scientific methodology), or drugs, or crime, or mental sickness, but some took the example for sure too, and there always a batch disappearing from the streets every year which are not part of your standard statistics. To the point that I'm ready to bet there are a lot more Quebecker women than men (not only from the fact that more women than men are born), and it is the toughest that thrive, the most sensitive have it far harder, if they don't disappear or get destroyed mentally by manipulators and profiteers and their sexuality. But then those women will lament that their life is so hard compared to men, while their attitude indirectly cause problems of tons of sensitive people, particularly men, which are becoming more sensitive than women the way things are going. One thing's for sure I've met quite a few matron shaming the name of "women" who should, just by themselves, dissuade anybody sane from working in this system, and they all have one thing in common; they speak very nice when you meet them, which means worse than nothing to me so I have fun revealing their ugly harsh true face by pushing them until they do the authority thing...But I guess at some point the worst will retire, the new ones will probably be drabber, so I may just be describing a style that has been very good at kicking men of a specific generation to the tomb fast...The worse in that is the fact that many women work as hard if not harder and they keep a good attitude with others, and those women will reap a worse life for it. And that applies to a lot of men too, I know a few ones that worked hard all their life while keeping a good attitude, and they reaped hell.

I'll add that whatever I don't like the attitude of some people, a big part of their attitudes are a result of pressure from reality, something the reality needs, like a lot of prostitutes (escorts); so yes I know it was not their dream life when they were young. I could even go to the extent of believing that many of the harshest people (surely not all, bullies under all kind of forms will always exist) may actually have been among the most sensitive when young (while not forgetting that sensitivities are vastly learned, but you got to want most sensitivities to get them, and the more you want to make them shine (make good of them), the more you got to care well for them (care well I emphasis, never dump money as a solution to help mentalities, particularly in an ego reality, care well by the structures of reality, like not being "helped" by hard people...), but apart from whatever complex human and psychological reasons, this reality doesn't develop people in their best manner, so their best ways didn't thrive in this reality, and those people will live almost their entire lives as travesties or traitors to their own soul (see it as destiny). But it's the effect on life that counts, hard people who found themselves a pride in "kicking" people around are giving difficulties to life, and they are evil for it. So I know developing in a more adequate reality would have made many people shine a different light, for many, but you know how I see good and evil. And I said "people" here, because no sex is better or worse than the other, even if the worse part of the troubles in my own life comes from women not tolerating my independence.

As for my mother, I don't know if it was part of the goal or what, but her punition strategy may have made me sensitive to many things as it later made me question the why of many of my attitudes, it's like inverted introspection, and I guess I have to look at myself as I look at the world, and a correction is an exercise in humility... So if you tell me I act high with people, at least I act high with myself too, and I pass, you fail, sorry, not my type, but you're humans like me right? Why? Why, this book is why, do people write such books on their crisis thing 40? And I'm the hero, because I win at the integrity thing, and the logic, and the fantastic, and the possible, and the vision, and the imagination, while hell's gremlins need "encadrement", so instead of seeing the soul shine when success, you see all the wrongs of reality, fake, illusion hiding mediocrity, jealousy, frustration, all seeking around with matches in their fragile self-esteem, instinct for troubles, and me I have all kind of good and non-fake qualities that both the poor and the rich envy, genuine but not a clown, the perfect abrasive material, so I try to minimize interaction...

To go back to my youth, too much locking-up in darkness didn't help either. I know it was probably because I was becoming too good at entering through windows and unlocking doors, but what does a child do in darkness? He sits in a corner and go crazy looking at that ray of light. Seek the pot of piss while not tumbling it or plunging your hand in it, and when the door unlocks you're so happy to get out you forget it there! Then when the pot is full and you want to piss or shit what do you do? You pass sweating hours holding it in and you're lucky if you don't end-up with a track of shit in your underwear, the same when there is no bathroom tissue; that's is how the blue satin shirt ended-up full of shit, and what happen when the "jackpot" is found? I immediately became suicidal from being locked up. And how do you think the rest of the family sees you? Don't you smell a little strange at school? And hearing your parents fighting on your subject while there is no place to hide, totally available for picking is hell. One of my brother developed schizophrenia in the blink of an eye from being served the same medicine. I know it's not the cause, but I'm sure it didn't help since I remember a few hallucinations, and some so severe I'm still questioning to this day. When I had a light I was so happy I keep it on until it failed, and then I'd be waiting for months for a new one, while finding all kind of dangerous ways to get light.

The thing about my brother is that he ended-up sleeping in the same bed as me, for his shift at being locked-up, I was around 12 and he stayed something like 6 months. I never understood that one, there was another room available, and the reason I was locked is that I was bad, while my brother never did anything wrong, in my opinion. Maybe my mother thought I would kill him or do something sexual, and it would prove I'm evil, since I sometime punched walls, and my libido was extreme. She caught me with porn magazines very young, and there was sperm everywhere, I mean figuratively, so I guess she thought I would either stop it, or I would rape him, but I hid in the wardrobe to do my sex things, never even thought of touching him sexually, the notion never crossed my mind, I'm sure of that. And I always liked my brother, so no fighting, all the while my neighbor used me as a punching bag... when I "fought" with my brother it was normal stuff in my opinion, to break his susceptibility I could say. The strange thing in fact is that I half consciously wanted to remove him from the grip of my mother, like in my spare time, because, except for my older sister which I didn't see much, all my brother and sisters were reporting to mama for anything "wrong" I did, and I liked to lead, which was never available to me in my youth situation. I had the leadership thing naturally, and I consider that my mother gravely incapacitated that in me. My brother even pissed in bed for Christ sake, super nice to have him sleep with you, but I don't remember (never say never) insulting him for it. As I think of it, it is possible that my revolt against manipulators didn't come from the church, but from my mother; she was extremely manipulative and I think I kind of half understood it quickly in my youth, and instead of liking me for it she hated me more than everybody else, she could manipulate my father, but not me as a kid, and it is possible that all her life she played a game of manipulation with me, with the final goal of getting me incarcerated like she did in my youth, as a justification, and as the only solution to control me and to prove she's the boss.

What is interesting here, is that it was all natural to me, I didn't entirely consciously think about these things, just when it was time to question or justify my behavior did it become conscious, and the result is that I ended-up cumulating revolt because I didn't displace to my immediate vicinity, maybe in bad materialist actions and accidents though. If I like porn magazines it's my problem, or beating me for it made it my problem, one or the other, because it didn't work, I didn't learn my lesson, I didn't stop masturbating, but one thing's for sure, I never shown porn to my brothers or did anything sexual with family, no spying, no touching, never a word about sex, it was not even in my thinking, while I was kind of obsessed with it. I'm probably among the first of my class to try making a girlfriend, in the bus, I got rejected with an insult but still. That was quite a deception btw, because I was as much the black sheep at home as I was at school, so I was a loner, and the guy that ended-up interesting her was older than me, and this guy was my direct neighbor and the person the nearest to what I would call a friend, taller, older and bigger than me, and while I never punched people around me, this "friend" saw me as a punching bag more than anything else. In fact, I could say that what put me on the path of loneliness is my interaction with people in youth, I could even say that whatever wrong I may have done, I was far better in my actions reactions than all the people I knew, so trying to make me evil was fucking stupid, and jealous kids were not helping, I left for the army unconsciously equipped with a baggage of human interactions that was an insult to my quality.

Like the shot where I went "adventuring" (don't remember) with my brother and on the way I met 2 horses, one was that same girl I liked, the other was the second girl I like most at school. I had no idea they were friends, they were not even from the same village, so wtf were they doing together on horses? And how was it possible that I crossed them while I never saw someone on a horse before? I was crossing a remote field surrounded by forest and they came to us, so while I was flabbergasted to see horses out here, and the 2 girls I liked most on them, the girl I never talked to told me to go back home to get a beating! WTF! I told my brother "Come on" and left them there and continued on my way. Like it's not enough to have the 2 girls I'm most interested in insult me, now I know the whole fucking village knows I get beaten at home and not only they don't care, but they laugh, and as I would later discover, some even tried to create situations where I'd get a beating! Then my "friend" who lived on a big farm, suddenly found himself an interest in horses, just before I went to the army, it's probably him that spread this because sometimes someone came to piss on my basement window when I was locked-up, and since it was barricaded, then I couldn't know who did it, but let's say he was the only one that I thought could do this. Then as I got out of the army, I participated in a party and somewhere along the way got asked about girlfriends, and I mentioned there was this girl...Ho and behold, some time later she would come to another "party" with her boyfriend, sit in front of me and start frenching each other. I left, and I left the village forever some time later, even if I was making friends, I didn't care, friends are highly probable jealous traitors, troubles.

I know some will say that a youth like mine is a sign that I'm Hitler, as an argument to discredit all I say and crush me where they think I belong, me I say it's a matter of a sick reality, I say I had great leadership qualities but was faced with fearful and jealous people who tried to make me evil or inferior and greatly reduced my potential, that's what I say. In fact, from my experience, I'll say the whole reality is patented to prevent people like me from doing what they are destined to do, the whole fucking hell, and it's not persecution, it's the way things are made, it's prevention, all the way to the way the mentalities people develop to adapt, which makes it practically impossible for an adequate person who could change things to live what he has to live, feel what he has to feel, meet the people he has to meet, to develop at his best and lead this rotten reality in a different direction. Worse, my experience is that if I don't embark in the way it wants, or become a religious saint in the way it wants, then it will make me evil proportionally to how much I want to take a different path, all the way to trying to make a monster out of me from sick interactions and manipulations all along my life proving that I'm not a saint, with happy little jealous and fearful gremlins who will be happy to be justified. And me to have a chance to stand for what's important to me, I'll have to be understanding while they'll piss on my head at the first opportunity of what they see as an imperfection in their view of it, with a condescending attitude if possible. The other aspect of this is that if you make monsters out of people who think differently, or prevent them from developing adequate attitudes or judgment, then don't be surprised if you get what you work to get.

To make thing interesting, my blanket was whole red without motives and I think it gave me a diverse assortment of bloody dreams. Among the best were a few transcendental voyages in blood, like one in which my room was pierced and pissing blood with my stuff floating everywhere and me trying to attain the light switch. I made I don't know how many "nightmares" of being taken over by blood tentacles too, twisting around my legs, plunging in me, pumping, beating, squeezing, getting out somewhere else, enlacing and invading my body until I woke up. But the most scary one gave me the most extraordinary feeling, it's the growing heart; you are in your bed and a red bubble grows out of your chest, beating fast, it grows to cover the bed while slowing in beating. Your body ends-up as a whole growing bubble of blood that continues to expand, beating at your face more and more strongly until you suffocate; the feeling is strange and hair raising; as things advance you switch from curiosity to fear to terror to a strange mixture of all your emotions taken together and throbbing in harmony as you live a white light experience. You feel awake at it, it's hallucinating. I made it 5 times, always the same. I don't know if it is related to the red blanket, but if so, it's really a bad (dangerous) joke to do to your children. Maybe all the blood was just because of my frustration linked to the color of the blanket, both may have been necessary, I don't know, but it inspired me very much. Yet, I didn't actually hate these things, I didn't even see them as nightmares, more like interesting scares; my magic bed, or my magic carpet, and I like this color, but not when it is used to attract attention, or worse, used like a pub, like Canada painting everything red and associating it to anything stupid. And don't worry, my bed is forest green now, and I rarely wears red.

I'll add that I passed a lot of time without dreaming of blood, but they kind of came back with a vengeance lately. The way I see it is that for a part of my life I diverted to adapt to reality, but I abandoned and writing this book bought me back exactly where I belongs. I was revolted as a young man, mainly about the attitudes of my parents, and I hated the world a little, so I guess I made bloody dreams. Then I understood that I was living the same thing as an older adult, just bigger, being revolted about the attitude of those with the means, and hating the whole reality. I saw it ads living my destiny, and the day after I think about that I make a big blood dream. The one you have read at the beginning of this chapter.

Apart from that, I hallucinated wisps, tornadoes of flying chairs and things in my dark room too, or the slap in the face, this one is a real trauma; you're sleeping, and PAF!, a severe slapping, you spring-off the bed straight, and then quickly go look in the mirror, but I don't remember if I was red or not. There are more, like the crushing teeth or the choking girl rapist. At least, I was lucky to be excellent at school and to keep such things secret enough to not end-up with the exorcist flying around my room...

Sometimes I wonder if we shouldn't experiment some of these things, not in a bad way, but as a way to see how young people react, but I said experiment, not systemize. I went to school and I had excellent, even exceptional, scores until I personally lost motivation at the last minute and got whole zeros. So maybe if the school told my parents that part of my apprenticing and history building may be made more interesting if I was locked down in darkness for some time in my youth after supper, then maybe I would have taken it less badly. Maybe some kind of deal can be made with some children to try such things, and take care of noting interesting developments. You can give them a choice of tests to try, with a worthy encouragement and lifelong mention appropriate to the test they want to try, they can even try to take yearlong tests if they believe they can. But we should talk to them well of all what it will implies, and let them use their judgment to choose one; if they succeed in their judgment of themselves, then they get the reward, if not, they get an appropriate compensation but no mention, except what they experienced. You can do all kind of things that way if you don't exaggerate (like the rewards, it is an encouragement for the effort, not a goal, just the mention is already a big reward; you don't want to make crazy people), but you must be in a reality you know will serve good development, or possibility exploration goals, not all kind of exaggerations which would destabilize anything good, so I wouldn't try that in ego reality.

What you must understand is that I like some of these souvenirs, I actually even liked my bloody "nightmares" and some were almost real like the blood tentacles or beating heart; you are not outside to make you understand you are dreaming, you are in your actual bed, the light is on, everything seems normal, but you can bet no horror movies of the kind exist, Imax is a fart besides this, you wouldn't eat popcorn for sure! They are my dreams, I made those dreams. Sometimes I wonder what animals dream about...maybe some are half hallucinating a lot, like fishes, fooling around open mouthed, giving a tail kick once in a while...As for my parents giving me difficulties, maybe they just decided I could take it without too much troubles in my future, but the future would prove otherwise.

My mother is super manipulative and I fear she's on a quest of hate against me, that it is where she's spending her intelligence. I have many souvenirs proving they were cool with me though, so my feelings are kind of ambivalent, I think things developed proportionally badly as I revolted, mother wanted a dog and she got a cat, and the more I fought against her control, the more she hated me, to the point that she made a kind of sick fixation to destroy me hypocritically as I became an adult and the only man to ever stand up to her I guess. But today I simply can't tolerate some of her attitudes and I don't have to. When I was young things were different though, she probably thought I would become what she wanted, some kind of peacefully submitted Jesus doing everything they asked for my whole life, and pardoning everything, so she was cool with me as long as I behaved in the way she asked, which shouldn't be wrong if it's done right and the intents makes sense, but I was a rebel and her strategy and problems made a fucking mess. Particularly since one of the thing I value most as an adult is my independence and my freedom. Still, I have proofs that they cared about me when I was young, if I behaved, "they" (my mother controlled and decided everything) bought me a set of my favorite BD for Christmas once, legos, tonkas, and I asked for these things, the same for a set of weightlifting equipment. They tried to push me to have more friends when I grew older too, but that would fail for many reasons, not only from them discovering my room was a prison; let's say my life was too dark, and I was well as a loner because everybody else didn't enjoy or feared my adventures, or they ended-up as traitors. My father built a big complex apparatus for training outside, almost an Olympic patent, they bought a collection of books that only me would be interested in too, and I never saw someone else interested in those books. They never asked me to read one but they were all interesting to me so I read most of them and they made my education as much as school. And not a single girly book in there, but a lot of books about how to patent things and make all kind of funky experiments to give troubles to your mother...

The ambivalence part is that it may all have been a manipulation to make believe she was nicer with me than the rest of the family, since almost all of the ugly happened when they were not there, or she'd put my evil right in the middle of the table as a proof that she's justified to be hard with me. In fact, I think she let me cumulate evil in my locked basement cell until it was worth a show, porn magazines, electronics, explosive devices, heavy metal, chemicals, electrocution device (my own torture device), maybe not all at the same time, to save myself a little, but my brain is wild! I'm sure she visited everyday while I was at school, and once a month she'd clean everything to 0 destroying all my projects, and I'd be lucky to get away without a beating, or a kneeling, but I had lots of chores to do... So no bad attitudes when visit came or when we went visiting. As for eating grain and crude eggs, it was a personal thing; I was always famished. Part of the reasons I was locked down, apart from stealing and breaking stuff, was that I liked crude vegetables; I'd have eaten the whole garden, and I stole food from the basement freezers too. I eventually stopped and started eating grain and crude eggs instead, when I learned how nutritionous the stuff was.... And I was not underfeed, maybe when I passed under the table, but I ate as much as my father, it's just that I eat a lot, even to this day, even if I do nothing I need double nutritionist standard to feel well, but it's specific to me, anybody else would get fat eating like me, (maybe it's because I produce lots of heat, I'm truly hot, prone to spontaneous combustion, I could become a fire hawk or something, or a dragon, or the devil himself! Meant to rule over hell!).

So it looks like they cared for me, it's just that I had a problem with their style of authority and this world right from the start, I think it was in part because of religion, like my unconscious told me "if kids have to go through this, then something must be very wrong with the world". It's like it was all worthless, like I was at the wrong place, and all there was to do was enduring while being frustrated. But still I know that for many people what I'm describing of my youth seems terrible and all, and it was for me too, but I always felt a lot turned around me, that I was a big challenge to them, and maybe I really was. I shouldn't forget that one of my brother was giving them lots of troubles with schizophrenia too, and at the time schizophrenia was not much known; they didn't know he had schizophrenia, so they just tried to do their best. And I saw it, they never tagged him negatively, and I never did it either while he ended-up totally stagnated at school, unable to pass a single course, but he never got an insult for it while it was very different for me...

My mother once told me she has been a bad mother with me, I told her I don't see things that way but I really don't know what to make of this, why telling me this? I'm not sure if it means she regret some of her ways, or if it means I didn't end-up the way she imagined from how she raised me. For now I'm a total failure in their opinion of me and I won't modify their opinion by being a fraction of myself. I talk to them a few times a year and this won't change unless my situation changes, and while I make my life, the whole family can have the opinion they want of me.

The same with my brothers and sisters, I have not the slightest desire to invite them to my apartment to do the cheap, or call them to do the humorist; I do my battles, and you'll discover I'm better alone for such a quest, and I'll use the powers that were given to me for it, and a lot was given by family attitudes; they didn't act like that with me for nothing. The way I see things I could say they made great efforts to open a rare set of possibilities for me, something I'll later describe as destiny, so if I ended up alone it is because I was needed as such, and if the whole family is forgotten because of it then it was my path, even if I'd have preferred it otherwise. But I won't cry over it, my sensitivities are now connected differently, more than any emotive somebody can think of, but I know in what world I live in. I know there are a billion people who could make me cry, but I must disconnect myself from individuals for some time, so I can blast any attitude I want... What is important for now is that I like good people and I'll battle for them, but I must be capable to hit them along the way at the necessary extent if I have to, and if I'm left with something then I'll happily get touched by individuals, but living as a nothing to this reality it will never be to the extent of my needs.

As I write this revision I will mention, as I already did previously, that I ended all family contacts. I would still go there, I don't think my parents are the worst one around, far from it, I think they did what they could to some extent, and they may have had a wrong vision of a things or two, and I was not an easy kid to deal with, and I'm still not easy to deal with to this day, but I can't accept that they lie about me behind my back. I go there once a year, and they demonize me. And the goal is to specifically make me evil, and this is the thing I just can't get over. Not only because I'm exemplary when I go there, not only because I may as well end-up with a reputation to defend, but because of respect too; respect and self-respect. Yes I did all kind of bad things in my youth, I'm not a saint, but it doesn't mean she got to prove I'm evil by twisting and lying. And now I must worsen my writing by adding a revelation or 2 about her, call it vengeance if you want, but it is within my right to tell the truth of my life and my opinion of things. In the previous version of my work, at a my peace and pardon epoch, I practically eliminated all the ugly from my youth, or found arguments to defend the attitude of my parents, but I'm back on track now, even if what you read is a fraction, I'll still jump at 17 when I entered the army. This is particularly important to me right now because my sins are kind of very limited these days, added to that is the subject of my work, and knowing how reporters are, I definitively don't want them to go get the truth of me from family, most of which have no idea because they're never there. Then there are psychologists and social workers and the police, all inclined to take their facts from my mother (that's how I came to know she demonized me behind my back) at least when my last visit will have been 30 years away, my evil actions and inconceivable opinions about my last visit will be far in the past... she can still say I tried to kill my brother when I was a baby though...All in all, I have enough problem as it is, I don't want to spend time for these stupid games, I have enough anguish, I'm too old for this shit.

Back to my things, I concentrated on looking at the imbecility of the reality instead, since it seems totally unable to truly do things fairly or for good people, and the mountain of very intelligent books just exist for PMBBD or entertainment since their wonderful effects only grows an account or create disinformation. I'll have to try doing things by myself, and I'll choose the worst track since the easier ones all have been written about for big profits to no avail. My starting conclusions are that this reality contributed, and is mostly responsible, for my troubles. I'll say the part of my parents is that they were, like a lot of people, unconscious of hidden evils, or if you prefer; they worked for a bad reality. So if I must fight let it be against the most responsible, and the responsible is the ego-gods association, how it is profoundly and totally implanted in every facets of this reality to the point of being reality itself. Nobody can battle that while keeping his sanity, so yes, when you'll have gone through my work you'll say "this man is totally insane".

But battles are meant to be temporary, after some time it doesn't soothe nothing no more to fight, even to win; it will happen in many things in the future, it will be one of the most painful lack of human and life understanding, truth and lack of vision of this reality; more complex, costly and long to reveal a failing than any others; hype contortion of the mind associated to PMBBD momentum. Worse than an economic crash, a mind crash from cumulated historical wrong pressures, PMBBD and hype; a historically built civilization placebo which will end in depression compensated by drugs, pharmaceuticals, more profiting from life, more happiness bullshit books, richer people throwing money around in philanthropy while dancing and fucking insanely. The failure to dictate the mind, not seeing it as a life creation, but as an ego thing like it was made by a human controlling, creating, possessing, manipulating, the guy made everything, the universe, life, etc... it is fundamental, implanted deep, from pressure selection and brainwash from all the religions, sects and systems ever invented, we are even morphing genetically on some facets to it. The war with life is in our mind and the wastes it has created through history, which probably amounts to the exploitation of half the earth until now, will pale in comparison to the brothel we have made of the human mind to asserve it to manipulators and profiteers and their ideology which will still eventually crumble behind the last stand for falsehood, image, even if we exploit the whole planet to sterility for our ego competition.

You can fight to spare susceptibilities with a contorted manipulation of the truth of reality all you want, but in the end truth will still win. Even if you think it is eliminated with lies, truth is the reason time goes forward (all what forms palpable reality is based on truth), lies just create retards (in all senses). That's one reason why I believe that if we follow time, meaning if we survive, we will eventually find the means to know our true history (as information, maybe not as reconstruction). For now, you may get it's worth about yourself when you die as a form of information transfer, which can be anything related to the ways of life in its interactions with universal laws; it means there may be a logical decomposition process concerning every life-forms as to know its value toward attaining life's goals, which in turn would be under a process to know its worth toward attaining universal (UI) goals. Now, understanding that high consciousness is the ultimate form of life I know, I'd say some limited form of reincarnation can be a possibility, but again it would work under both life's and universe's laws, meaning there could be a planetary transformation system giving (rewarding) reality appropriate life results and one at a universe scale too, but this last one would solely concern high consciousness and would "memorize" better results somewhere. That's far-fetched, and not an argument in anything, but it's in the domain of possibilities following how I see information; what is important is that nobody is having a picnic in the clouds with a pack of virgins. There is probably historical cumulative information as well as optimized personal information, which means the negative effect of an individual would weight in a global balance affecting everybody; if I tolerate evil, I'm more evil for it and everybody is more evil for it. To me everything is a form of information, information that can change form as it is transferred between different systems; from your eyes to your mind to molecules to planets to galaxies to universe. Infinitively more complex than that, but that's how I see things, and every information transformation step filters out or optimize data. What I mean is that the universe exists for life, more than that, one of the main function (function logically developed from older more fundamental functions like self-preservation or memory) of its present existence is to deduct what life extrapolation are the best or most interesting and record them to change the reality of aspects of the universe. And so many of its fundamental systems are meant to "spy" life, to know the TRUTH of it, how it historically acted and developed, and those systems are invincible to life extrapolations like us). And it's not a new process, it is an ongoing one, the universe may have been reformulated a thousand time to systemize enough life data to machine itself sufficiently well to bear and test the current batch of life. All the suns are life possibilities, mainly tested by surviving the universe itself. The best or most interesting (there can be thousands) will live universal reformulations which may as much be ongoing as a brand new start. Life is the developing intelligence of the universe (or UI, the whole body, the difference between the ego-gods ideal and the life-gods ideal. One is an incomplete vision based on a superior people taking the god (s) coat, or ego competition, the other is a vision of a whole entity that is continually developing, and of which you, life, the UI and gods are parts of. And I'm talking ideologies, I provide a basic vision, it took thousands of years of refinement for the ego-gods ideology to become the "defacto" human style, for people to take the god (s) coat all over the place, I provide the germ of a different view, the life-gods ideology, I may be wrong under a few points, let time and passion do its work). But all that's a complex subatomic-galactic interactions subject I'll explain more about in Lift-Off, for now let's just say it my personal philosophy-spirituality, not yours.

For now I'm scared about many civilization placebos of hype from the effort of most people to run away from the truth while building themselves a complex mind to defend the paradoxes which are the cause of their failings, and an image to hide behind, but nothing to hide no? Such an attitude can only lead to appropriate to size troubles is my belief, a reason why I got to be alarmist, for those who want to tag me as a party breaker in their life's too hard philosophy. Just think of all the entertainment available, think of all the hype around it, think of all the psy, pills, religions, priests, sects, all the sex and drugs and movies and games; depression should be inexistent, but people are depressed more than ever because they know in their soul that most of their life is a façade, for others an escape ahead or behind. Remove a few of their dependences and you got a lot more exacerbated emotions; no problem if you could keep it that way, but you can't stop time and someday people will revolt against mass PMBBD. It is even a question of evolution, either that or humanity's potential will end before it happens, or you make a new reality. With PMBBD on masses from birth to death to make of everybody a defender of the democracy-capitalism business, to make of the vast majority a reflection of what the most ego people want through adaptation, acceptation, pardon and tolerance, we have created a massive chain reaction of mind conflicts that will never settle, and I'm sure this grenade of a philosophy will blow in our face sooner or later, one way or another.

And what will the selection do in the face of the troubles brought about by their attitude of escaping and shoveling forward and invincibility and best system and hype, and smile, and work hard for your dependences? Why should I reap your troubles and future if I was never part of your philosophy? If I need nothing of your psy science and media bullshit and materialism and free sex, to feel well enough? If I've been seeking truth all my life and feel good for it? Why should I tolerate a humanity made of historical lies trying to hide its truth behind facades, or that need to inflate it with hype, entertainment, image, or religions, that feeds the youth with that in its quest to provide a twisted vision of reality that will settle badly at adulthood? That thinks itself good by sparing people of the truth with media manipulations because they're too fearful to stand for it?

I guess I should do something, that's what they're all waiting for, someone that will do something in their place, while they continue fucking the world up out of responsibility, and the guy will have to be a "god" because there's superiority involved! Superiority to every human being on earth, maybe except bodybuilders...So in the name of jealousy let's push anybody that got potential to dismantle our bullshit construction to death Jesus style! They'll want a saint, they'll want him to do everything, they'll want a god that will pop this better world they think they're worth, and move their baggage to it in humility, and if he's not their ideal vision, if he doesn't prove he's inhuman, then that's enough justification to ignore him, or cause his death and continue business as usual.

I'll provide an exit to people, another way, a better, less conflicting and more complete philosophy and spirituality along a fairer economic system too, everything within a net to hold things in sense, and that will be it because I'm human and I must keep my sanity, and you must do your part. And don't think I have the easy part, I have the hardest part, the soul wrenching quest of giving back life its value in this reality, while I have nothing, just faith in something nobody care about, not even a person to help me a little, no example to follow, all I have is my mind to think I'm funny dealing with the tricks meant to steer the truth seeker away from life understanding, treacherous life that I always find justified, even humanity is part of the life game, everything is, even me, that's why it's my destiny, everybody else is too intelligent to do this job.

I think expressing life causes that strong duality feeling in me, I'm not doing dual personality, it's the way of life that I must fight myself at the level I can appreciate myself, that I must hate humanity at the height of my admiration for it, that I must eat or destroy life to feel alive, that I have to live evil to fight it, everything in the universe is like that, and my destiny, the job better fitting me, that should reward me, is to go through life's "quirks" and develop a middle line that will make solar life thrive. Which includes the minds I find worthy, past, present, future, I must find the tools, be them philosophical or spiritual, to drive those people who can integrate life.

Pretty big contract when you really think about it, with a far reaching imagination. I know the selection prefer to see things superficially, or versus their own mental capacities, but I tell you that what I'm doing is beyond the wildest dreams of any working hard ego dreamer. It is a life englobing quest, you can't start at 36, you must start by yourself at 10-15 years old, the age where you must feel suicidal versus reality, at 25 you must be deep in it, your life a mess, your psychology under scrutiny, your future a guaranteed failure, at 35 you must have a big mass of psychotic writings and not be afraid of it, or yourself, you must stand and fall for all your feelings while imperatively having faith that success is in the pile, that what you fight for is there, hidden under all that ugly that had to take this form because of the reality inadequacy. At 45 your attitude must show that you successfully harmonized your life to your beliefs or ideals, maturity, sanity, independence, it's your moment of glory, in ego reality's terms...All that is just a fraction of the job requirements, try it, you have a big example I didn't have, all kind of descriptions of what my life has been to succeed, do it, there will never be enough people doing what I do, guess why...

It's surely not a rich well served by the system that can do my kind of work, a politician should though, as a prerequisite, at least in part, to know the content of the guy, but maybe it would worthless as he would end-up bullshitting the world deeper into hell... It doesn't work, it does, but not when the goal is a new reality or ideology, even the selection would have to rewire their mind in advance, but that's my job to provide the new wires and plugs. The best either can do is patch, modify or invent a different thing based on the same ego competition, or worse, invent a sure fail from idealism illumination, or worse, go back to more anarchy, which is so backward it's how humanity started (all systems or laws we invented had as a goal to control this facet or that of anarchy, like sexual anarchy... In the current definition of anarchy normal people understands). I'll let you say you experimented and explored evil possibilities, for that I'll be the first to close my mouth... But now it's time to build another way from what is learned before thing develop as a final failure or "hell", let's hope good people didn't wait, work and literally sacrifice their life all that time for nothing. Good people are there, expertise, machines, technology and science, all we need to build a better path, but ego people and their selection are better getting into it because pardon won't be a very popular notion when it will be too late.

Now, I don't know all my parent's story and I don't necessarily want to know, I have enough of mine, but what I know is that a lot of people have a bad story, it's a truth, even if I don't like to know it. I prefer to hear from people with good, not extravagant either, stories since they are the ones who have more chances to know love. But a bad story can end fairly well depending on the character, his brainwash and the level of his consciousness and surely much more. So I still don't know much about my parents, they've stayed almost strangers to me, they never talked personal and I never did either, and I have no problem with that.

Today I'm done with my pointing finger at them, it is a personal thing as much as a necessary one as I'm talking about my life in this reality and that is a part of it. If people are able to understand, then leave my family out of this, particularly if it changes nothing to your life, make an appropriate reality instead of failing still more deeply in evil bitching is what I say. This system did everything possible to give troubles to my parents, maybe we should try to make everybody's life better instead of making it still worse, by making things fair, for a start. Let's work on that instead of working on doing the bitch, my parents made a lot of me, and I'm proud to be me, and they haven't have had it easy so they're the first for whom I should "pardon" something. And I know you can find arguments to justify or pardon any actions, but I try to weight things well and from principles, and the minimum is that they're not high on a pyramid and they're my parents so they're the ones to whom I should "pardon" more, to some extent; I can't forever pardon and that's why I eventually decided to cut contact with them, because yes I can pardon, but I refuse to do it at repetition for anything until I'm dead, that would amount to give the planet to evil... I still believe their attitude with me was as much the result of the environment they grew and lived in as much as their own "adult" will; I don't believe they would have had the same attitude if they were born today or in a different reality or in a different situation. Furthermore, if you're so inclined as to use my family to judge me out of context with, in big part, bullshit arguments, then maybe it is you (psy included, particularly) that got far worse family problems than me, different, but maybe you are justifying the continuation of your own wrongs by trying to put me back into mine... Ego people sinking in hell will not just grab, they want to bring more life in their downfall with them, just so they are less alone, and can keep on grabbing at the bullshit that defined their life, and defend it even as they tumble, but me I do not fear alone, I fear social.

This reality full of "loving" adults is well spread with children (don't be limited to your country, humans are humans) we "love" and care for so much for they are condemned to all kind of difficulties which will limit them forever, some insurmountable. I won't start, but I can tell you I never felt alone, and I don't care you're a parent, I've been a children and it is still within me contrary to you that totally lost it when you traded your dreams for ego competition and possession, and self-importance through reproduction, and now you're frustrated? Or the kid is an "accident" in your love philosophy? With all the televisions, books, psy, experts, internet, all the peace and love stuff and all the history of the best system, I say it takes a failure of a civilized society to have a big slab of its young people living misery. Growing people is the basis of everything.

My youth was not easy, but it's of no use describing personal difficulties in the current mentality; most only care for show or in the family (gang), and the ones with the right sensitivities are totally manipulated with PMBBD so they care for nothing or redirect their emotional energy at the wrong place. Suffering is pathetic, a profit source, entertainment, so let's go to Oprah or the psy! Worse than a ridiculous waste of time. I want things to change instead of being laugh at and given more difficulties. This system is incompetent, it divides people in bitching, and misery is accepted, tolerated, so much it's pathetic classic entertainment. So leave me be, even if I got interesting psy properties, I'm just tired of seeing misery, whatever it is hidden or good for copter shows, there is so much that it it's a "reality invalidating argument" (it takes one invalid reality to accept it at such an extent, or, if you prefer, all an history of it is a sufficient argument to call this reality a failure in one of the critical facet of the development of life, and it is unable to deal with the problem, or it fails to see one. People, if they were normal (working to attain the goals of life) or good enough a high consciousness life-form, should have identified the source of the problem with their good consciousness long ago. But I'll concede that the problem is overwhelming now that people endorsed the ego-gods ideology as the only way of humanity. At the minimum we should have battled those who manipulated (forced) the youth to their philosophy and forced (manipulated) people to live unacceptable difficulties, until it is understood that misery will never be a part of the word humanity).

I judge this reality wholefully and these kind of unhappy youths, under all kind of more twisted "loving" forms, are a big part of it. Ignore it while I can't, while I know it has been present in many forms from the beginning of this reality for far too many people, I will not skip it, or accept it, or forget it, or pardon it, or tolerate it or whatever else trick manipulative people used to permit its existence forever in the name of control, entertainment, profits or experiments.

Today everything is displaced and twisted wrong to divide people while the worst misery and killing is done as mind manipulation at a massive scale by the people with the most means (by unfair means distribution too, evidently), and they have control of everything, total responsibility since people don't have a direct say or control on things (more about that in Systematic Magic, and for an example of a system that can permit people an easy way at controlling things, then you'll have it in Life Reality"). The ego-gods ideology have been invented to push peoples to bow to, admire and respect hierarchy, authority, the rich, the most unfair, the best manipulators of this reality, so where do you think people take their example? In my parent's youth, teachers had the right to hit people, they were the authority, the example to follow and listen to, religious institutions did it too, at a far more severe scale (religions are fervent amateurs of violence while they sing peace and love...), even today all governments lock people in cages (prisons), or make them eat badly, or beat them, even torture them, and you'll go against my parents because they did the same for exactly the same reasons? No sir, I'm not an imbecile, I will always try to emphasis my attacks on the source of evil instead of the result, proportional to means since good example should be proportional to means. And sorry if you made a system that has no choice to work like that, other systems are possible but you stubbornly believe you got the final supreme best system of the universe, anything else is competition to eliminate or transform to your massively unfair ways.

As you're beginning to see I'm in direct conflict with most views of things and attitudes, you'll find plenty more evidences of that as you read, and this is after heavy introspection and thinking while seeking truth and good, so what am I to do? Shut-up and adapt to the opinion and ways of people who didn't do half my mind work? As for my capacity at pardoning, it is in big part proportional to position on a pyramid, not the contrary; responsibility is proportional to means, the top must always be the most exemplary and the most punished if they manipulated and profited from people, surely not the least. That minimally comes with the job of taking a superiority position or manipulating masses to "love" you, or taking or spending massive means. And I don't care they use all kind of manipulative arguments to say their job is sooo hard; ask my parents if they didn't work hard, and who's taking the most from life (this can be from the earth (Gaia)) to satisfy his needs? And who's going to die first? And in what level of luxury? Who's going to get a national funeral? Anyway, the ones who can do the most, who have the greatest negative effect on people, who are the most counterproductive are all higher up, whatever the PMBBD or hype their fans or selection are under to defend them. Entertainment "gods" included evidently, while entertainment is a good thing, it is in no way the most valuable human priority or production

Media people, and people altogether, should stop seeing happiness as an entertainment thing, this philosophy is wrong and lead to depression, even if it is successfully spread to embark love and sex in it. And fame or popularity should never warrants unfairness, or making other people more unhappy for it, or worse, ruin life (including ourselves, by mostly spending resources and forming minds to satisfy the needs of the most ego people), which we are presently doing because the selection, in big part created by the pressure from medias people having that liberty, have developed its mentality mainly for manipulation and image. Media people and the people who eat and work in function of the stuff are presently deciding humanity as a future failure by the simple ways of their existence. So entertainment will never be an argument for unfairness, and there is quality entertainment whatever the reality if you want it, and it shouldn't need hype to be appreciated, what is that? Why would a society push people to entertainment? Because it is wrong in its philosophy, people should seek it naturally but everything is a pressure to inflate egoes so hype is needed for this competition, to indoctrinate or pressure the youth to become this or that too, (selection) until they decide other's liberties by being a reflection of the media's wishes, to sell things to those who don't really need it too, to get the economy turning more, to create unfairness. Tell me there is a show and I may go, but inflate it for weeks with pub like it's wonderful and extraordinary and everybody "love" it, done by awesome Canadians so nobody should miss it, make it big until my children cry out of need for it and you'll reap my honor finger or worse if I can.

To go back to pardon, it absolutely doesn't make a person better, get this notion out of your head, I'd even have a tendency to say the contrary; it sound more like escaping my responsibility to set things right. It is an individual personal thing and it is evil to systemize it like religions or current justice systems do. You can pay an individual for pardon no problem, any way to get pardoned is accepted, but it is always limited to people concerned; you are not pardoned after a shift in prison or after getting your "bad" consciousness erased at the confessional, that's bullshit; you are pardoned after the affected people say you are, and that is very relative and entirely human. I should add that you don't need to be pardoned to behave well or normally; it is just a way to stop bad feelings on both side.

Finally, pardon don't remove evil or its momentum, nothing does because it is a life thing; you advance in life cumulating a value of both good and evil. If you want to visualize your weight and momentum effect of it you can use a balance, but it is very hard to know since it is a measure of your positive or negative effect toward life's advancement (which includes other humans). For now, since we've passed our history with religious (limited) view of gods, we've completely twisted the truth of good and evil, and probably the only way to straighten this will be to discard religions and switch to the only true and good spirituality which is about life and the universe; it is not a president, law, religion or sect that decides if you do good or evil; it is your actions affecting life (any facet). The better view of a supreme entity is as an intelligence that drives the universe machine, the UI as I see it, universal intelligence, a constantly changing program that can carry itself as a life god living its emotions through the life around it, and taking its decision with its help. It can punish or reward anybody and have the final say on any facet of their work, and I wouldn't be surprised if he could take the form of any living being. But there's nothing wrong seeing it differently or simpler than me. For now I hope it will continue to fill my life with ideals of greatness, beauty and existence.

It could be a joke too, it is important for the functional intelligence, the UI, to make jokes, appropriate I would guess, with the help of gods when possible, so I'm careful of the word never and always when dealing with the thing...As for god (s), I'd shake his hand! Hi sir take a seat! Or I'd do something stupid I've never done to a human, but I'd surely not kneel, or maybe, it depends... there would be curiosity for sure, there is a lot of that in me.

So for my parents, even though they are in part responsible for my difficulties in life, compared to many other parent's attitudes seen as acceptable, theirs may be no worse. Everything is a question of point of view, besides, when you put things in a global context, they are no worse than a lot of other factors from reality which, when all taken together, make such unacceptable situation happens, not only regularly, but as a civilization dependence. If this reality was without misery, it would create it, and it is what it did, systemized unfairness oblige...

So all this peace and love stuff is PMBBD for acceptance and tolerance with some hype from the other side of the serpent mouth to sing human rights evolution; it is in fact the closing of the tomb, direct violence becomes evil, pointing at wrongs or insulting becomes evil, everything is perfectly made for a selection of defenders who have become a majority, every words and principles twisted to serve the cause, condemning humanity to the same way until its death while expertly forever singing how things are all right or things will change for the better because now you go to prison as an evil homophobic if you insult gays who now can publicize sodomy on internet pornography forced to my eyes in the name of freedom, well, something like that...(we're not modern in 2088 just yet). Violence becomes hypocrisy in the name of peace and love, and mind manipulations most people don't understand or see or are habile users of, thrive, condemning the last fighters to be children anarchist obeying authority while getting paid. Violence that was available to everybody has now been monopolized, controlled, profited from, everything systemized, people are left manipulated by twisted publicists and powerful rich business deciding the ways of communication for fat profits (not their fault, it's in the business model of reality, nobody's fault when unfairness is systematized and people encourage it...) to "communicate" their frustrations against the ones who are the best at manipulating words and communication, and they wouldn't lose their position...

Furthermore, socialization is absolutely not the place to gain more truthful arguments, you plunge in intra reality argumentation competition; been there done that; fail. And the same with the internet that develops ganging to protect an opinion or protest, which limit profundity at a superficial competition level to gain wanted size, infinite in most cases. International emotions on hype thinking everything changes for it, you did your part by typing a few phrases on expression dumps for people like you where space is limited to continue the pressure selection, thinking yourself intelligent for using the existing massive reality contorted words and principles to your own end, while a mind of true change will need pages after pages of explanations to decorticate the crap out of it unless it slips in a never ending and lost in advance debate with the hordes perfectly comfortable at their place... But unless you get the mass you won't have the means to twist things to your own end and the mass here is the whole humanity; ego reality as a pool full of fishes, for all the serpents who can speak from both side of the mouth, people who can fail logic at any profundity level and compensate with PMBBD, lies, every argument can be twisted, inflated, deflated, I know an expert on T.V., me too, my father is stronger than yours.

As for punitions, I personally think they have their uses, but there is no use punishing a child if you act with him like he's an animal as it will only revolt him; he is not a dog without consciousness to which you teach obedience, that you can beat and cage. Young people obeying adults is critically important, it is how we learn, but you absolutely must not teach obedience as a life basis, and that's how most people have dealt with punitions from the beginning of time; like they are dealing with an animal that must always obey authority, laws, to stay alive and have its food. That's one of the reasons why most people believe things are allright and fair; we have created a selection fitting the system, manipulators and profiteers have given form to humanity, its final form, like animals, like beavers that are like this and like that.

We must explain why and make logical sense when we ask something to someone, something half understood must be explained differently or simplified, we are not supposed to follow half understood orders, and it is exactly what the whole humanity is doing with the democracy-capitalism business and its experts. Take your time getting yourself understood, you're the adult, act as one, and adulthood start around 24 by the way, maximum 21, surely not 16. Yet, it may be appropriate to punish, particularly failed adults, but that's a hard thing to judge as we must judge well the mental age of the one concerned and we must be exemplary; I could write a whole book to explain how hard. Yet, concerning children, I believe it totally unnecessary to punish children physically or with insults, punitions are mainly for adults, that's my opinion. Still, I guess if I had 15 children I might have a different opinion, the authority figure would have to be strong and strict with so many children running around and that's the example my parents had.

Now, for those who like to use the youth of people against them, I'll tell you that I know, everybody know, that there are always people suffering more than ourselves, but still, there can't be good arguments to justify sufferings when it can be eliminated or minimized, whatever you like to inflict or watch it. Next, categorizing and judging people from troubled youth is a condemnation to enslavement as you can't say anything without being discredited as retarded because of your youth. Yes my youth has an influence on my judgment but it is a true part of this reality. I live in this reality and you can hate me as much as you want I'm still a result of this reality you "love" enough to work for. In a sense, it permitted the situation by not taking care of its people the way it should in its philosophy. But don't worry it's far worse than that, and as long as there are people to add to these difficulties by turning their youth, for which they are hardly responsible, against them, there will always be excellent reasons to hate and to kill.

And I'm not supposed to be on the defensive, I'm supposed to be the proud carrier of an offensive weapon that should be taken seriously. This reality can be smitten more than a dozen times by its profound failures, and civilization can end in as many fashions, probably from accumulation of many such failures. It means this reality "loves" to dwell in violence, misery, illogism, unfairness, conflicts etc. I'd be too good saying it needs all that, so I'll say they are the basis of it instead, it's nearer the truth; they create tons of profiting or marketing opportunities, and all that is good for the economy, no?

I say a civilization which acts itself proud and good and the best and always getting better while having many of its citizens in misery or troubles while they have good intent got a critical problem since it is not even supposed to happens at tribe level systematization. Now, knowing how totally defended this reality is, it won't be enough to make it understand that fundamental changes are necessary, so I'll expose and describe what I see of its defense while I hit it with as many reality invalidating arguments as I can find (condemnations leading to the invalidity or the continual or repetitive death of people in the civilization, which can be from drugs, suicide or pressure selection, even by ignorance).

I'll do that but it's not enough, it will only reveal some evil faces and behinds, and this reality has historically proved it can laugh at that, besides, image can be rebuilt from people getting tired of witnessing massive violence; someday you need to rise again, and those who control (posses) unfair means will be there waiting to provide the encouragement in admiration, it's their system and manipulators know how to get almost everybody to follow or encourage it, by PMBBD, by religions, even by massive selection death steps caused by their attitude if need be; everything is made to fit perfectly, until the end of humanity, where the rich family hegemonies will live hundreds of years in luxury bunkers (homes), their ego satisfied, while their admirers try to understand the ruin, thinking it's their fault; but yes it will be their fault, for encouraging and defending unfairness...

I'll need to bring in this mental fray an impressive defensive; something having the strength to tough my own reality smiting arguments while invalidating external attacks. Its coming will mean my personal battle is done and successful; you can kill me, everybody dies, but the problem in your hands now will be a battle like it never existed. I'll bring in this lovely defensive, and when you'll see it, your eyes will go round and you'll run in panic while regretting your classic calls for god's help... Why would I need such a defensive now? Surely not to stack in some ego superior warriors, bosses and band aids; it will protects a replacement basis, the seed, and it will be a division medium; it will ask space for good to thrive and it will force a battle of good will against evil until it can have it or the end of humanity since its presence means humanity is walking toward its own end so it can do anything for a chance to stop it.

As it inexorably approaches, you are forced to think and choose your side, and then you work in the new direction or die for as long as it will take. And that's for absolutely everybody, rich and poor, and history have no value in that since it is the end of adult innocence; not choosing is choosing. All of that and more is necessary just for a chance, that's how big, you like think big? Now, it will take the form of your competence, take the life step as Gaia requires of you and you'll reap pride and love beyond measures along with your independence, persist in your incompetence and you'll reap more pain, destruction, regrets, shame and hate until you are back to nude humility. For now I'm telling you all what I think I believe probable of you, to skip a thousand years of hassles in your historical pile of PMBBD. That's how I'll deal since I got nothing from this reality that can be trusted, it's how I'll give everybody a chance, unless the only way is total war, your choice, you sing peaceful communication? Right of expression? We'll see.

As you can see I need nobody to put pressure, I'm very capable of doing that step myself, my pressure is totally out of proportion beside what I can do or provide, and the strength of my mind, my will and my faith in myself are fantastic to think I can pull it off. But one thing's for sure; I've got enough of my own pressures, and all the categories of people who added to my pressure, to either stop me, or steer me, or teach me life, or to place me, or to be superior to me etc, I pushed them out of my way as I advanced because I can't kick them in this reality without losing the only liberty I have left that I can defend the exploitation of; my mind. So I collected some ammo for each of you manipulators, and it will provide you back this dose of pressure you impose, but instead of being absorbed and displaced, it will be concentrated in one painful point...

This whole world is a competition of pressures from hundreds of different sources, but you blew it with me, I don't embark in your tolerance and acceptance and adaptation manipulations, particularly with mind degrading words like psychopathy, psychosis, sociopathy or narcissism etc, or say hate or violence or revolt is bad and accomplishes nothing good, only "peace" and "love" do, or only good exist, not evil, or ego doesn't exit, only altruism, then you're in front of my weapon and I'm loading psychological ammo to blow-up your big inflated head full of crappy human understanding. And sorry for those who will get dirty along the way, sorry for collateral, but if this whole world is a PMBBD competition of pressures from manipulators, then I must fight it.
Consciousness of good and evil is all what is needed to provide someone with good pressure better adapted to his own person. You think people want to do nothing with their life? That they have no ideal? That you must push them in all kind of direction because they are fundamentally lazy or evil and they start with nothing in the head? I'll show you what true evil is, one that built this world in a way as to push many people to unconsciously develop as evil by default, and the good people, and there are many, are unbelievably good to still be in this world; they just don't have a good fair system because evil don't want to make one, only the illusion of trying...So yes I understand people have no choice, if they want to live, to work for evil (one way or the other since in my view of life the greatest evil is systemized unfairness (particularly if systemized fairness is possible and I'll prove, in the "Life Reality" chapter (book) that it is indeed easily possible to give everybody a fair value for their actions without being unfair to others while having greater liberties in total, a new planetary set of liberties in fact, or is it the liberation of the earth?). Next biggest evil is using PMBBD having a negative effect on masses (developing attitudes on masses having a negative effect toward life's advancement (don't forget we are life)). And don't use the double edged knife of survival as an argument to defend overpopulation or wrongs or competition; human survival or wellbeing through number have become irreverent long ago. The same for adult innocence which not an argument anymore when you reject better sense. So, since nobody will do it in this reality, I'll take my little lone life and make an ideal for good people, because it seems it is impossible for them to associate and do it; hurrah diplomacy and socialization.

We are condemned to this best system we believe is the only possibility in all the universe because we see everything as competition; 2 different ways can't exist as we must compete it to death as soon as it shows signs of getting successful. We are so intelligent we can't even understand that different things are not meant to be competed, like men and women. Competition exist from the same base, so when you look at it, the competition argument thrown about everywhere by expert "lovers" of this reality is ridiculous since for it to exist they are filling the world in controlling laws, complexity, experts, hidden tech, police, armies etc, all that to keep the competition going which overwhelm the benefit of the competition in itself; and that's just one sufficient argument. In the end, it is only a hypocrite way to systemize unfairness final over any new cake (opportunity), and over a longer run, like 1000 years, which is ridiculously short, it will have developed hegemony pyramids all over the place to divide all cakes unfairly. There are exceptions, but since there can be only one winner to the competition, when laws will be useless to permit hidden R&D and tech advantages, (hidden knowledge is evil in itself and a limitation to humanity advancement, hurrah competition!) then AMD will become very small or specific, the same for any other inferior competitor, and INTEL will be the winner and will reign over processing development for thousands of years, competition will have served only to bring them to the throne faster, even if it took 100 years. The same applies to the Democracy-Capitalism business; it competed all other options to insignificance to take over the world and now almost the whole planet is in its embrace and we'll be condemned to its hegemony until we all die out of it, anything new will be destroyed...democratically...

The same for English which is slowly doing the same, only that one will take thousands of years to reveal itself, but then most people will only speak English and other languages will be reduced to insignificance; even if for now we have plentiful of laws and experts to control the competition... Some will try to defend themselves by saying that if only the best survive at a universe scale, then competition should be the ideal tool to become the best in the fastest way. Well, for ego indoctrinated people the best is a god, or a single winner representing the population, but to me the best is infinitively more complex, for one thing I see it as competence, and I'm absolutely certain, for many logical reasons I'll explain in Lift-Off, that the best life of the universe will consist of many thousand different forms of star life, and I'll show that their capacity to work fairly among themselves in happiness and harmony, not in a resentful competitive way, is of tremendous importance, and this will be in part reflected by the diversity of living wild life that is related to us, that we didn't extinguish in our competitions, so we would immediately fail at that, too competitive, too superior, too ego (extraterrestrials in our movies should be a hint, they are either stupid innocents like ET, or violent ugly, and the best are just more evil twisted manipulators than us...to de-culpabilise I guess. One thing's for sure; we are always superior!) With our current competitive attitude we would quickly be exterminated, even if we successfully made a couple friends before our destruction, supposing we first succeed in spreading beyond earth; the way we waste resources trying to prove who got the bigger bicep, we will die here and never meet anybody else...) All that means this whole competition argument is PMBBD, and the system doesn't work, not in its idealism, not in its goals, not in its results, only to systemize unfairness to an open mouthed selected population. So for now the illusion we get from option competition is blinding us while things are systemized unfair final.

So go ahead SETI, call those aliens! Show the universe how superior we are and good and all, call some competition! We have the best system! We are good! We have god on our side! Nobody, nothing is superior or can compete it! I hope your calls don't get through because they could compete with us on the same ground, play superior with us, judging us as evil, particularly if they're frustrated to have traveled that far while watching our true history getting falsified by manipulators (they would watch our past unfold, depending on the reach of their detection technology, don't forget that sight is a reflection of light and light got a limited speed; you look at the past of stars, not their present). So while you play superior country, superior language, superior race, superior religion, superior fucker, and superior this and that, I'll try to invent another way, not superior, but for different people, more competent with life, better, with a different ideal than the ego-gods desecrating association, superiority-inferiority. And while I'm doing so, I'll distribute back my cumulated sleigh of ammo and grenades with names on them...

In the history of humanity, the best we've ever been able to do is exposing separated facets of a whole; different people at different times having different expertise, doing it mainly for personal profit; the strongest attacks against evil have been made without much conviction with very malleable weapons... You can't fight evil by seeking personal profit (whatever the form); in such a case you can't be much more than a critic, and you can't say you're against this or that by being a working part of it... The whole must be exposed, different levels of extrapolation, development and complexities must be made out of a new defended crude basis, and you must be a reflection of what you preach, after immediate survival evidently, it's just ridiculous that a big part of humanity is still at that level...

That's why I have such fun staying a moron, and it's true, well, maybe not that much about the "fun" part, but I'm not very educated, the rare book I read are surely not philosophy or mental; only science fiction. I never used the internet (until 2010, for those who will want to say that I passed too much time on the internet; I never typed a single word before then there, and I got a computer technician and a programming diploma...), and I dumped all pub and mentality distributing devices long ago. So you see, when I think and write I cannot retrace where it comes from so it can only be me, this life flowing through me, and deductions from memory, along with things that have been haunting me from youth.

So I have these ideas and ways of thinking that are unbelievable for me, so maybe writing about it I'll better understand what's my difference that make so many people hostile to me, and understand the great question; why I pass my time hitting the many limitations of the mind of others while I'm a nothing? Something just doesn't work, I'm suffering from inversion, no, I'm suffering from emotionally unlocked personalities, mmmm, I'm suffering from ultimate narcissism encased in humility, that's why I always end-up laughing, even at myself, or is it excessive positivism? minus excessive negativism? That doesn't work. I'm a repressed super human? Keeping it that way in the name of integrity? My candor that can't work forever? Hiding the beast, and now as I'm older I have to choose laughing because that's the best fitting emotion for my situation? Irony, you always come back to it, as I prepare to unleash the beast upon the world, in the way I always wanted, and now I'll hide behind it instead...I'll manage my task like a king, the serious I'll compensate with candor and humor, but that doesn't mean my life will be any easier, the obstacles are many, and I often stumble, and the solitude, and the poverty, and my deteriorating comfort, I may as well end it all up at the bottom of a lake, letting my cells paint the water to the oceans...

I believe many people have the same kind of ideas as mine presently, but they ignore them for too long, adapting to help and become part of the gang; it takes lots of time and a powerful will to explore some ideas, particularly if they are seen as a negative waste of time by the reality which doesn't waste time at all, or too profound by superficial people who have more important things to do with life...

For these and many other reasons I invented myself a personal basic spirituality that I like better than the ones made to date, that way I can fit within my mind. That's why you'll see me going a little overboard with life now and then, particularly since I came to realize that I may have found the best path of spirituality by taking the "possibility" approach. Yeah, those exploiters of spirituality are on my mental warpath and it's another thing I'll need to do in this book; invalidate all profiteers from good spirituality. With all that, I should write one incomprehensible crazy book but it won't be the case, I know where I am and I'll hack my way through this so successfully you won't believe you read it all. For now, I'll continue with my youth.1/2

17. Finally I entered the army. My wish, like a lot of people I guess, was to become a jet plane pilot, but I was given the choice of becoming a boatswain on a ship or a soldier instead. Hadn't I chosen to become a boatswain, I would probably never have explored the pleasure of travelling the oceans, I liked it a lot, and the same for flying, so maybe someday, when I'll be older I'll get a friend to travel me around (I never felt the need to drive, except in games. But I like long travels and transport diversity, so my ideal would be something like living 3 months in an apartment, 3 in a bus, 3 in a plane, and 3 in a ship. Trains too are cool.) So here I am, by far the youngest of my platoon and more innocent than my age, but I start in good shape. That makes me the one with the biggest potential, so they don't go easy on me; I guess they see their dream of the perfect soldier coming true. After a month I fall terribly sick, pneumonia or something, I can hardly breathe and I simply can't talk without starting an unstoppable and painful coughing fit, but I endure and eventually go through it, ready to become a boatswain.

I graduated from training with a bad aftertaste as a girl from our platoon got kicked out with a long blast of insults that day because she dropped some tears; do you think someone would punch a base commander? No, not me, nobody, a base commander, wow! After this incident I started doubting I would stay more than necessary to reach independence, even if I understood she was a little small, maybe better out, but I don't remember what she wanted to become. Yet, this girl started me thinking a lot about the structure and philosophy behind the military, I even spent some of my rare free time watching old war movies, particularly civil war movies since I quickly saw cultural differences, nationalism, language, skin color, and religion as the terrain on which war are fought and I was curious about the idea behind civil war. I concluded that a lot of people of the military, including myself differently, have troubles at being independent; the army for many of them is some kind of power trip pyramid where you always get your orders from higher up; you obey higher grades even if your independent conscience has troubles doing it or not. But I mostly saw the army as a weapon used by governments to force vast groups of people to obey his way of seeing things.

So the army sure got big uses in ego reality, but when I pushed the reasoning of its usefulness I found conflicting nationalism issues, why am I forced to English? Why am I contributing to an army that massacred my own kind? Then I imagined myself in another country or skin color or religion, the same ado knowing nothing, my life or culture made of things learned at school, an imposed religion from birth, and television, all associated, strongly influenced or controlled by, me? It didn't take me much thinking to come to the conclusion that the philosophy behind most wars to date didn't make much sense; I could be a soldier defending any country if I was born there, as simple as that. Good for defense, but what about attacks? What? An insult between little powerful? Ah, territory expansion of a superior? Language or racial or religious conquest or overwhelming? Squashing justified revolt? I found almost no valid reasons except wrong ones, or a never ending justification from old wrongs. The only exception is when we make war to this despot or that dictator, but I would later understand it is only to push the democracy-capitalism business all over the world.

So that's how I started questioning things more seriously; a girl I would have wanted to defend. Then my questioning led me to find more wrong than good reasons behind governmental military; they mostly force a way or create or defend unfairness, and since all systems to date are made or are used to systemize it, then war will be eternal in this reality. The military is just one tool among many that unfair people competing with each other to control masses need, and there will always be excellent justifications to spill blood to stop an unfair situation, but replacing the unfair situation by another one displaced elsewhere is just a guarantee of more violence in the future, when mass consciousness will wake-up about it. The valid reasons for battles or wars is there, unfairness (being the first is not fairness), but the wars and killings done in the history of humanity have not been done for good (fairness) reasons except defense. And so fairness did not increase, but exactly the contrary, to the point that everything has become a deal, a play of who will gain the most.

The military gives some people a strong hierarchy to follow and prove themselves in, done through the imposition of socialization schemes limiting many hard to control developing individuality traits. I'm absolutely not talking about hair color here; developing independence of action in masses is dangerous to many people in a pyramidal system... Anybody following the rules will have its turn at controlling others, and it is a good place for people with a susceptibility to PMBBD too, or a laziness toward introspection or who intellectually failed to justify their innocence or lack of independence. Then there are the excited who need to prove something, and it is rarely intellectual... except for the would be officers, but those are more ego driven, they want a safe career with a feeling of continual involvement. Evidently, there are people attracted to the hyped adventure, or seeking a job too, or who think killing people should be real cool, and I should not fail to mention that many are strongly nationalized too. Yet, the army is one of the many socialization tools used to control some expressions of individuality; in the soldier and in the population, almost like a religion. It is the perfect strong arm that can impose something to a population for a few generations successfully initiating a new brainwash, tolerance and acceptation defense wheel; we are far from living in a structure seeking massive individual development of independence, more like the contrary.

When a young person hit this decisive moment where he thinks to pass his future with the military, instead of jumping on the occasion, a "good" system should give this person the opportunity to relax and think about it for a few years while doing some simple work and learning to stay in shape, like making it a part of joining the army at that age. Instead, they prefer doing pub campaigns and they even go in schools recruiting as young as possible. Why isn't there a sustaining way for young people who need a strong example to rearrange themselves? Letting them explore consciousness, losing some innocence and gaining individuality, judgment and independence, modifying the human behind to reflect more adequately his greater consciousness and minimizing unconscious displacements effects? They would wake up behind the façade of the reality and make a depression, or any stupid independent thing (like me writing this book). For all kind of reasons the system manipulates to create consciousness deficiencies (religions is an example) while people find their place, and the military will surely not discourage that... What is important is that you have a job; if they could destroy your mind or replace it with a servant robot they'd be very happy, as long as you can still do research. Well, maybe not since they wouldn't have the satisfaction of controlling or breaking or twisting something human anymore...

For the democracy-capitalism business leaders, the system is perfect, and what else than a democracy-capitalism leader can run the business? Nobody, so we are condemned to this system until the end, and don't insult me with the "left" "right" variation of the same thing. This reality doesn't want people who think independently; they want people following the ego-gods ideology, and that's the only diversity that can run the business. Evidently, it is always preferable to put people under the best form of it... As for the military, it is an institution that can be good for that, and it is a nice place for disorganized intellectualities, people who are too mixed in their consciousness and unconscious to gain individuality, or who prefer to let someone else dictate their life and human responsibility because they can't, or don't know how to, get out of the complexities of it and or do it themselves. Evidently, it is not the case for every military person; many kicking butt dreamers lose their energy there, kicking no worse butts than their own...

I'll never be myself here, and since I'm democratically the will of my superiors, I surely won't feel independent or free here. I'm a tool for someone like I've always been and the only way I see out of it is to lose innocence because life is a competition of who profits from the innocence of whom it seems. For now, I say around 30 you're supposed to know what you're doing, so I don't care about killing you if I'm in a situation where I absolutely must. I just hope I won't have to kill some young people thrown at me by superior leaders...You could at least have the decency to play your grand scale killing superiority games with people over 30, but no, people are adults at 16 these days.

If I have to kill I won't do it because you're ugly, black or musulman, I'll do it because you're a successfully brainwashed dog launched at me by some leader; you are someone's weapon used to defend or impose his ideas which are truly yours now. I may destroy such a weapon but I will only be happy to kill the human (leader-politician) behind because there are justification not to kill a true innocent, whatever politicians think otherwise, as innocence is a potential place for human growth or change and this place is expensive in a multitude of ways. Now, don't think you can hide behind innocence like so many people like to do these days; there are always exceptions to a principle, so yes I may spare you if you have been made innocent of the evil you work for, but not if you know you defend evil or work for it or stay innocent on purpose, and this kind of innocence have attained such a self justification level today that I can say it have become the norm and so it lost its strength as a defensive argument if you are an adult; quite a U turn eh? Sorry to be harsh but evil is not meant to thrive, even more so if it exploits innocence to the point that innocence becomes the way to go to be happy.

Everything is in the way this loss of innocence is done, do it by lies, hate, violence etc, and you'll get some results in development turning around such negative attributes. Then, to steer away from these, you'll have to spend more time and energy losing more innocence and developing more skills. Losing it by PMBBD will include an array of displacements effect contorting some areas of judgment, a lot of PMBBD will severely impede judgment, free will, independence or it will revolt. Losing it by love, truth, and good principles will have a good effect on development, but it will be contorted by the lifelong reality imposing itself so it will be wasted around adolescence; you must be in a good reality too. Now, it is impossible to have proof of any of that since there is no way to keep track of all loss of innocence, interactions, and displacements effects trough the experience of a life, and with everybody different and all kind of exceptions, it will stay an idealist's theory. But for me, reaching an extreme truth consciousness early in life can give someone a lot of power over many parts of his personality, and if the consciousness is right and steady the person will eventually truly change to reflect it. There are exceptions like me, accidents, but the system is not made to let that much control or independence to people, so it happens very rarely, instead consciousness is manipulated and used to grow disinformation, which is different than using consciousness to stay ignorant of known evils. People do all that too easily and at too vast and profound a scale in ego reality, consciousness is replaced by surface bullshit, except on necessity spheres, like jobs or the ability to keep babies alive, as long as it's done the system way... Innocence is better lost in a certain order too, and a vast majority of it is lost by intellectuality; a very small part is lost through physical experience; even if it may seem the contrary, you'll even intellectualize physical experiences unless you're too dumb or you don't care about the meanings of things.

Of course, the way I saw it at the time was a lot simpler; an institution profits from my innocence which I must lose to become free. My view would eventually change, but for some time that would be my life goal; understanding a maximum of things before experiencing, taking a minimum until I understood that I understood enough to bear the name of an independent adult. For now if I am to kill, I'll try to go for bosses; people who don't care sending young people to war. And I won't cry whatever the effort the whole world make to make me feel sorrow like I lost a member of my family, go to hell, I'll be partying while he's in a full blown "loving" national funeral. Rich and powerful unfair people are becoming a guarantee for me, I cannot kill one accidentally and feel bad about it, but I could be sorry for any soldier of any nationality I'd kill though.

So I'll be safe here, for some time, but I must prepare for my future exit to the civilian world. For now I'll seek what I think could interest me for a good civilian job, something that will leave me half my time to increase the rate of my loss of innocence by myself. After learning basic killing, drilling, running around and obeying, I pass a few more months getting more drilled and running around some more with backpacks and guns, in woods, on gravel or asphalt, under the rain or the sun. When I'll be finished with this running business, I'll hate the activity for the rest of my life, even if I was a very good runner, which I got from trekking in the forest with a heavy backpack all my youth. Apart from that, I profited from my time in St-John to try a 2 days biking trip to Montréal alone, to visit the place a bit; it took me the most part of a day getting there, only to find it ugly, depressing and fucked-up. I slept some time, got accosted by a homosexual, ran away and almost lost myself going back to base, arriving in the night completely spent but there for my job.

Next, I'm shipped to Halifax to see what life on a military port is like, to get still more drilling and to learn some English. The proximity of the Atlantic and its humidity makes the cold very piercing there and I don't like it, it's gray and the mood of the whole town is military; their presence is everywhere. I take very long walks in the night whenever I have time to think of my life and explore the place. I have a woman instructor sticking to my ass too, but she is cool and seems to truly like me, she ask all kind of questions but it still doesn't work with me; I immediately see her as a spy. I knew at the time I was developing a secret me, these long walks in the night, my attitude of always being apart, all that probably attracted the attention of someone. But I played the game, if she asked what I wanted to be in the future, I'd answer the Commander of the Canadian armed forces, if she asked for some of my music, I'd give her some slayer cd's; too violent and hateful for her. What I miss eating? Blueberry pie I told her, thinking she'd go collect some, but she made one with canned berries instead, I ate a spoon, told her it was good and I dumped it when she was away. Yet, I appreciated her attentions, and I needed it as I was slowly thinking too much ahead of myself; had she persevered maybe I'd have told her of my night walks, my opinion of wars and all what was brewing in my head.

18. This year turns around Victoria, BC. You know what's cool about the army? A big part of all your needs for your basic health care are provided, food, exercise, vaccines, just like a dog when you think about it, not so cool after all... I knew I liked planes, but not that much! This first trip from one side of Canada to the other got me plane crazy, I'm collecting plane cards now, I buy every plane books I see, but that's nothing besides BC. Wow, this place is something, is it raining steroids here or what? Vegetation is on overdrive, and the mountains? Tabarnac man! Some places here are simply miraculous! I don't want to travel, flying gets me crazy and I'm too sensitive to the décor! I could pass my life exploring the beauty of the world, I'd bathe myself in it, and that's another thing I'd like to give my attention to in the future, when I'll have lots of time. A little piece of wisdom? There is often something to take from beauty but excess taking destroys it fast. And there is a lot to learn from it too for the ones who like to play with their senses. I'd really enjoy to own a good plane or ship and travel the earth at my rhythm without the need for passports, money exchange or whatever other nationalist's hassles or government paranoia on an inferiority complex competition. But even if I could eventually do it, my best years will have been used and I'll probably be too old and jammed in arthritis to truly enjoy it.

BC is a show of nature and I'm sitting in some kind of lost Garden of Eden in the forest in front of a dream apple tree I'll never forget. I bought some topographic maps lately as I can't only glimpse at this nature without testing it with my feet. So I identified a far away lake that looked promising, which I could reach and come back in a weekend. Nobody is interested in my fishing trip, they prefer to explore bars, so I asked a friend to drop me at the start of my trek and come back to get me Sunday at sunset. Nobody should go to BC without doing that, seeing things from the window of a car or television is cheap, spending energy walking the land and stumbling into overwhelmingly beautiful places not taken care of like museums for the benefit of tourism and profit is a totally different experience. If you're the least sensible to nature, BC forest will drop you to your knees; when it decides you won't pass through, forget it, when it decides you sit down and worship, you sit down and close your mouth, bathing yourself in. So here I am eating the best and biggest ever apple of my life while bathing in an incredible décor; I'm in a clear space with high titan trees all around, the sun reaching the floor everywhere with powerful rays of light and there is this big apple tree in the middle of the place getting good sun. It is very big but small in his environment, there is an old house nearby and a wonderful plunging décor to a river not far away. I find it strange that I stumbled on a house while not following any trail, I pick a few apples before carrying on, promising myself to come back around here one day and plant another apple tree in such a place. My whole trek was like strolling in a wonderland prepared in advanced for me, even from where I started was a fantastic sight, and my fishing trip will be successful; the lake was the perfect size to make me happy, and I slept in a sleeping bag dug under brambles (not something they teach you in the army) under a gentle night rain jubilating in comfort and feeling invincible. I'll bring back a few big fish to the base cook, they're not trouts like we have at home though, and they're not as good, but my trip was memorable. Later I'll be invited to a big fishing trip on ocean where we will almost only catch sharks but we'll have a few edible fish to bring back to the cook too, and I'll find the trip enjoyable too.

Victoria is the first city I visited that I liked, as is the case with almost everything here, and that got me interested in photography. I spent a lot of my free time bicycling around with an expensive Kodak, playing the same game as the tourists I see everywhere. But my job here is to learn everything about ships, particularly how to add paint to them it seems, and some are so thick with it that it looks like a second plastic armor. I learn to work boats with sails too, and damage control where you learn that you absolutely must do anything not to end up in that cold water where you can't even swim a minute without losing all your heat to end up with hypothermia. For that they took an old ship and drilled all size of holes in it, and then they soldered a setup of appropriate sized pipes and valves to the exterior of the holes with a pump that goes at it with ocean waters. You're standing in there when suddenly a fist sized hole start pumping that cold water powerfully, no time to freeze, you got to measure the distance between the hole and the nearest bulkhead, you call upward for someone to cut the length of wood beam you need while a pipe burst in your face showering you under a cold high pressure jet, you call for a piece of rubber and 2 collars when a suite of different holes as big as a thumb start adding water. When you finally kind of control the first big hole, the water is already to your knees, you don't feel your feet's or hands anymore, but no time for that as you ask for wooden corks to hammer in the thumb holes and you get your rubber and collars to patch the damn shower pipe while all hell breaks loose, but now you're too numb to work anymore, reinforcements jump in the water to your waist now, but you're so frozen you need help to climb out. A few actually ended up with slight hypothermia.

Firefighting on ships is something too. For that you put on a very ugly mask and strap on yourself a green canister of chemical stuff that reacts to the humidity (or is it co2?) of your breath to produce oxygen (better than an oxygen tank which could explode and feed the fire in the extreme situation of a fire in a warship, only you can protect the ship full of fuel and explosives, no firefighters, and you don't want this expensive piece of equipment to sink or explode along with 300 people, the police bomb squad? Pfff...not in it at all...). If you have time you can get in a dress that resists high temperature, the kind a torch can't burn through, a scary thing almost standing upside by itself. Looking like a slow motion video game badass, you enter a burned black ship in which all kind of stuff is burning, the only light in there is the fire, and the smoke is so thick you hardly see the fire. You go through compartments with firefighter's hoses, touching the doors with the back of your hands so you don't burn the inside, then you try to identify the fire and take the appropriate measures, mostly chemical. The feeling of power is incredible, you're totally impervious to fire, and entering that compartment with the floor covered with burning fuel is like entering hell with the only armor and weapon. I absolutely liked firefighting on ships, I think I could have done it all my life, but not everybody did like it for sure...

Next is nuclear, biological, and chemical warfare. I was fascinated by the subject too, but they are absolutely disgusting weapons. To survive bio and chem you got to carry a bundle of different syringes. A breath of this and you got 10 sec to plant a syringes in your heart or you die, a breath of that and you plant one in your butt, a dose of radiation and you run to the doctor to know how long you'll pass decomposing. You have no idea how horrific these are until you see their classified films...I got a 100 % in this course and the same for the explosive course.

What can I say; I made a complex Christmas bomb when I was younger, so explosives had my attention from the beginning. One of the coolest part is when we go to an island and play with c4. The principal ingredient is the same thing you have in dynamite; nitroglycerin, the keep cold and don't drop thing. A lot of materials can be used to stabilize it creating tons of derivatives; dynamite, c4, and detonation cord are examples of the different types of stabilizer (oil, woodchips, cardboard, plastic). You can use c4 like clay with a detonator, detonation cord is hard plastic almost exactly like a video cable; you unroll and cut a length of it, tie it around something and put a detonator at one end, then you can cut or blast it radically as it's the whole cord that explodes, you can make traps by hiding it under earth or you can plant it in c4 to detonate it. For the navy, c4 charges can be used to kill divers who want to sink your ship at the mittens with a magnetic bomb; you don't have to throw it at the diver as it's the shockwave that will burst their ears and kill them, I think, so you can turn around the ship in a fast zodiac throwing charges or, as a last resort, throw them far overboard from the ship. The effect is quite spectacular as a big round slab of water jumps almost a meter in the air before splashing back down; it would have been interesting to throw one in front of the zodiac...explosions are so cool, but I prefer the multicolored ones that go high in the sky, had I chosen this path, it would have easily developed into a passion. But knowledge and curiosity are too vast for me to choose any such precise, controlled, and limited expertise. I'll find a more global, complete and independent goal instead.

After finishing the boatswain course, I discovered myself a passion for the oceans, its ships, its food, its life, lose sight of humanity like traveling through stars, to float between worlds with that feeling of infinity, on a machine not making sense to its life. You feel like you're something else missing to the planet; what is an ocean without a ship, a strange square thing that doesn't fit? The existence of something of a different order than nature? The feelings is incomparable to anything from land, no pedestrians on water, unless you got a susceptibility to being brainwashed with stories of a man that could do it (without cheats I mean...) A human needs an invention to travel on oceans, no asphalt, no buildings, alien life under your feet (the things breathe water!), and death in cold intangibility if you fall. Sleeping weeks after weeks on your slow mean of transportation, a slow clocked world where things can quickly become gigantic or insignificant; when you see bad weathers coming, you know it can get totally out of proportions like nothing equivalent on land. I've never been seasick, and good sized waves give me the best sleep. Without the military and it's mentality I absolutely liked it all.

But any such choices limited too many options too fast in my life to my tastes because of my innocence, independence thing; I need more of my time. When I'll be older and know a lot I'll come back to the ocean, my dream sleep is there, and it is where my body will go if nobody wants pieces of my cadaver or if science has no use for it. I just hope nobody will entomb me for the worms; I'll leave you this story if you want to worship my memory, it is infinitely better than a "nowhere" piece of land associated to an ego possession, to which you try associating vague souvenirs, but I guess ego people like to condemn pieces of mother earth with their cadavers, just like the Egyptians of old who used the strength of their civilization to build tombs... This text contains a bit of my history, my soul, I wrote it, it's me here, you can't compare that to an associated rock (or triangular pile of rocks) meaning nothing except that there is a skeleton from an ex human being, one of many trillions, you knew under your feet. Besides, I think absolutely needing an object or a place to remember is unnatural, let the mind forget or remember the dead persons you liked when it wants; forced feelings from twisted pressures revert in the unconscious to give far more negative effects by displacement and ideological conflicts over vast time slabs. No need for the living to force or make a fixation on the past or the dead or live in nostalgia, learn what you can from their experience and carry on to the future is how I see things.

19. My jump in the civilian world will be done techno style. Knowing the technologies of my time is important to my basic understanding of it; I need it to know how I can fit in the future and it seems computers are the technological tool of the future. So I buy a 386 16 MHz with 2 Megs of ram and 60 Meg HD for something like 3000$. First thing I did is to open it up to see the look of its interior and have a basic idea of how it works. What is your first hard drive if you don't open it up to help you understand it was a very bad idea? I did with the result of an ever worsening, lost in advance, battle to make the computer work properly afterward. People with computers at the time in the army were so rare I couldn't find someone to help me, but I learned a lot while failing to make it work. Eventually, I was ready to kick the rebel expensive inutility in the ram when someone bought it from me for 500$, a fraction of the price I paid for it. Later he complained I sold him scrap, I told him I dumped 2500$ for the thing so he was lucky to have one for 500$. I would finally understand the problem, getting back my interest on the subject, but that would not stop him from stealing a big box containing all my programs when I got posted back to Halifax.

When I received the news of my posting, I almost made a depression; I like it here, I don't want to go back to that ugly and depressing place! But I closed my mouth and obeyed orders from higher up. Upon arriving there, I will notice the missing box of computer programs declaring it to no avail. I'm on a ship sailing the Atlantic while he is on the pacific; no way will this box get back to me. But I had decided that becoming a computer something would still be a good way of installing in the civilized world and think comfortably for a few years, not much time for that on ships for sure...

I'm beginning to be quite frustrated with the military, their control of your life, their hierarchy, their drilling fun, the energy, money and time they spend for their image, etc...I feel I'm wasting my time like at home; I'm enduring while waiting for my life. The only time I spend that seems worth it is the time I spend on my own, particularly when I spend it thinking. I need to relax, to meet a serious girl, and I need to study computers too, and to think; I must steer my life toward such goals now if I am to become myself. But I get posted on the Halifax; a brand new frigate, king of the hill, however even if I like the ship I'm not going to stay anymore in this situation. The ship is sailing out for a month and I'll miss it willfully that morning, I'll go to the hospital instead and tell them I prefer to die than to continue my contract. They'll send me to their clergyman to no avail, to their psy for the same result, they menaced to send me to the military prison too for good measure. It only made things worse as I decided not to salute officers anymore, that got me to the base commander fast enough and we struck a deal where I would get released from hospital supervision and work for them until my release from the military while for my part, I'd stick to military decorum for the rest of my stay which would take 6 month, almost bringing me to the natural end of my contract. I think they understood I had my maximum dose of having my vision limited to seeing boots, so in the end, to win me back, they tried to go easy on me. A bit too late but it almost worked; I had my first personal room for one, and they gave me a good job with a chauffeur where I passed my time carrying blood samples and glands between the city hospitals.

20. Back at my parents' home. I asked them if I could pass some time there, to take it easy, prepare and think about my next move, I'll pay them a small amount for that and 500$ as insurance too, in case I break anything. So here I am, back in my old room; it's been painted over but the moistures are gaining the upper hand and I don't like the feeling of being back here. Everything goes well for some time, I find back the spot where I dug my bomb 3 years ago (it consisted of a pill capsule filled with explosive yellow powder from bullets detonators, in it I put a broken 12 volts dashboard light too, it is the detonator of the bomb, an electric one so I can put a timer or trap to detonate it. Next I put the detonator in a Christmas ball filled with black powder and reinforced with a thick layer of fiber plastic, I get something like a grenade. Now, I blow a birthday balloon and cover it with fiber plastic. Once it's dry I cut the ball in two and arrange the reinforced Christmas ball so it can hold in the middle of one half, while gluing back the other half with fiber plastic leaving a small hole to patent a cap so I can fill it with gas.). I exploded it in the sand pit nearby for a good explosion, but had I used it to its original purpose, it would have failed.

I'm waiting for the minister of education to send me an evaluation of how many credits I'll have from my past education to know what I must do to gain my secondary 5 equivalence and decide if I'll go study in Chicoutimi or Quebec. But quickly things degenerate with my parents so I'll postpone that for some time as I had a severe argument with mother lately. I had asked the army for a revision of my military files because I suspected I didn't get my full release amount, and doing that got me 2000$. She found out about it since she had started opening my mail, then all hell broke loose until I ended-up with a boot ready to crash on my face, with me challenging her to do it. She did and I pushed her aside only to bump on father; it almost ended in a fistfight, but he always had a tendency to act as a buffer between me and mother so things went well and he ended up driving me to my new place.

I'll move right away to my cousin's small rented house (he is a big by man who like bikes and he had previously proposed to move in an apartment with him) and there, I'm hit by a totally new experience; socialization for the fun of it, the kind requiring lots of drinking, smoking, and drugging. I tried some drugs, made a few friends with whom I did a few things like stealing gas, alcohol, bikes etc. I bought a computer too, a 486 I imported from the states. Then I met a blond girl, I don't know if she was the same I had met just before going to the army but I was too messed-up to remember even her name. Once again I failed this unlucky girl, this time willfully as I realized I was, again, stupid and innocent with girls. Like the girl in the army, I thought a lot about her and she made me decide to seek an older woman fast if I'm ever to become good for one like her. Later, in another place, I will meet another girl just like her, maybe her, and she will set my mind to thinking and changing again. To this day she is still my ghost angel as every few years I seem to cross the path of someone just like her always realizing just too late that maybe it was her, I'm such a romance! There is a small black haired woman I often regret too...

Time to move on, I paid my phone bill to my co locator with the expensive Kodak I had bought at Victoria and bought an old used car 250$. I was ready to leave when mother came to me with excuses; I reconciled and left for the town of Chicoutimi in my big boat of a car with slick tires in a snowstorm without experience at driving on a treacherous road; I almost killed myself twice while getting there. I rented a room at the local youth hostel and, a few weeks later, met my older woman.

I was 20 and I didn't know anything about life, I never had a serious conversation with someone yet, and I fell in love flat on my face with an extravert experienced woman. Today I am not sure I would call this love, for my part, more like "circumstantial emotional innocence entrapping". As for her, I knew there was love for me there, but I don't know how to explain, I felt it was trapped, or lost, it sometimes surfaced, but it was too short and I was inadequate for it, and she was inadequate too, far worse than me. She was from Montreal and she had lots of personal problems surfacing one after another which made the life of a mixed-up innocent like me incredibly difficult. What can I say, I had never tasted a drop of wine, never cooked, I grabbed my eating utensils like a moron and a lot more. She was an extreme, fast switching extrovert bipolar; I didn't understand what it meant at the time so I jumped in for a heavy and uncomfortable action ride that would lead me to almost wish her death. I wanted the experience of an older woman; I'd get it in the worst possible way, just my usual luck.

If she found a way to get on my nerves she'd exploit it to the maximum, she had a limited bag of insults and she used them often (I prefer the contrary; a big bag of insults that I don't hear often), if she had a chance for confrontation, she'd go for it like an opportunity to never miss. We had all kind of arguments over stupid things and I just couldn't understand; either by the stupidity of them or her total inability to give me a chance as I was learning how to live and she knew it. I would make a spaghetti too spicy to her taste and the meal would end-up in shouting and insulting, then she'd suddenly break down in tears. I would just stand there, flabbergasted, then get another batch of insults for just standing there, then I'd rewind a bit and get in the fight with a matter of fact sentence of justification that didn't fit in anymore, adding to the big drama like "I don't know how to cook so give me a chance!" then she'd say one of her ex-boyfriend, that she previously described as the worst possible asshole, knew more about pleasing women than me, she'd attack me with anything completely out of context and I'd try to fight her de-contexifying only worsening things and getting myself more insulted until it became a general sexist thing where all men are like this or that, and we are not worth a shit. More often than not, I would not last until the end and I'd just get out and drive to a secret place where I parked for an hour, imagining what was going on in all these houses and how I was out of it; then I'd go back home, both more relax.

We had a grave communication problem while I felt it was imperative for me to speak more, but it was incredibly hard since she was the boss of speaking. It's not that she talked nonstop; it's her emphasis on talking for conflict like she wanted it, her unpredictability at switching subjects or attitudes, or her lack of listening when I talked unless it concerned her. Not only that, but I couldn't talk about myself without her jumping in to discard it all like I had no right to speak. She had monopoly of violence too, she could push me to get angry until I hit the table, then she'd see it as an opportunity for some more insults. And you better not answer that she's right and that you'd vastly prefer to hit a mouth...And the worst is that she was the one breaking things, and I never thought of using it to attack her gratis from totally ridiculous angles.

Yes there was love, but almost all her energy was for frustration, I didn't feel loved, I felt hated like some kind of sick competition, I was someone to destroy mentally; only when she was exhausted could I have an opportunity to see love. But I was definitively not capable of understanding that, or dealing with it, I was in far more needs than her, I really needed help, understanding, love, but instead I got someone who saw my difficulties and used them to crush me lower.

She had no consciousness of all that, it would come later in her life as I recently met her through extraordinary coincidence since she recently moved to Quebec city to study, just my kind of luck since I never told her where I lived; we just crossed each other's path in a random street! She was supposed to be 10 billon Km away from me in another city! Wow! You mean I met her random while I barely get out of my place? Yep, there goes my luck...

She's still passing her time in schools trying to get a diploma while she's 40, a woman from Montreal continually boasting how educated Montrealers are, how many schools and universities of all kind there are at her "beloved" place while she never end running around the province to get a diploma... and don't think it's from lack of intelligence, she's just thorn from living between a bunch of failed philosophies taken in books I could say, not her fault, undefined crisis of being in big part, a normal state when you hang strong to too much bullshit...normal maybe, but definitively too hard to live for me. And now she wants to become a green thing running in woods arresting people who hunt and fish illegally. I'll have to be careful if I'm going to live in the woods, I could randomly stumble into her again while fishing a protected lake I had no idea was, and I bet she'd not miss the opportunity to give me troubles. I guess she needs to compete men in the woods, control and give them troubles at the most unlikely places... (Sorry if I'm sidelining into the present; I'll go back to the time of my story after this).

I witnessed some changes in her though, I admire this, not everybody can really change. She's still a fighter but she is far easier to communicate with and she knows it and she say it and she worked toward it. She presently is almost a stable extravert the kind I could like. But she's still playing too hard a game of conflict, and that woman should not drink a drop of alcohol, or maybe it is just an image, maybe it is how she got me in the first place, this must be it! Her way of being less egocentric is the classic way of this reality; recycling and paying drinks (somewhat), so her independent consciousness did not develop that much since she mainly follows the "wave" or "trends", and that's particularly true for her sexuality that yes, changed a lot, but not for the better, in the name of the current banalization of it... Still, without alcohol, she seems a far better woman and she won't start talking about sex continually (I'd have a hard time saying things that way to her as she'd probably pout at me, and this may be a reality wide situation; only experts with a diploma can do it, it proves you are intelligent too, that's in part why I have doubts this book (s) will be a success). But if I take a drink with her, her unconscious, as less inhibited, will take over; she'll try hard to seduce me even if I don't want, and I will end the night knowing, without asking, all about her life right through her sexual activities. I hate knowing this, I just want to applaud while saying "felicitation, and go fuck yourself, I don't care!" I told her many times I hated it, but saying it is like provoking her to do it more! Why should I care about the list of people with whom she proudly slept? The worst is in the way she talks about it, like she's "in" for fucking every stereotypes she meets (particularly singers) in her quest for love, while I'm "out" for not doing it (no I never had sex with lady Gaga! Did I? Let's see my list! The day I won't remember with whom I've slept I'll put a bullet in my head!). The strange thing is that she doesn't look saner or happier for it, and surely not more intelligent, just more "fake". What I don't understand is her absolute desire to make me feel retarded for having a different opinion about sex and love, I guess the difference is that I successfully lived an intense and satisfying love story that lasted years and it healed and changed for the better many things in me, while she did not, so she boasts around her view as more evolved to hide her failure or something twisted like that. While for me I don't feel the need to fuck around and talk about sex because I got nothing to prove anymore and I gained true wisdom.

Strange how things are messed up in hell, one thing's for sure, she should close her mouth about her view of sexuality. As for me, I'll still need to talk about the subject in depth and defend my view like crazy since sexuality is critical to what I'm writing about, and people like me with a sane view of sexuality and love should be the ones giving the example and explaining their philosophy in sense if others are to endorse it, if not fuck all free for all will win, and the implications are far worse than what the "intelligent" selection can think of. It's like when she talks like her attitude is sane or great while the truth is the contrary, it's just that people can use any completely false argument to sell their point, or to make you like them so they can feel ok, like some libertine people who wish so much to live in a nude society will say that when we'll all be nude or when we'll all do what we want, then we'll all be happy and there will be no more wars, while the truth is exactly the contrary, and since logic have been completely overridden by the stupidity of the affirmation, you are forced to explain everything in logic from the beginning of the universe to prove your point, and then most people will be sleeping. It would be far simpler to disintegrate such twisted people who are totally indoctrinated to their stupid bullshit. So it is what I'll do in this book, I'll explain everything in details from dust to the creation of the universe passing by how the mind and life work to explain simple logic things that have been twisted by all kind of ego manipulators and publicly spread to the point that they are "in" for a selection that have been made to form gangs around all kind of bullshit to protect it as truth from the beginning of their life to the end, and those people are voting and spreading more bullshit while they should be fought or punished as adults since they have a negative effect on others and toward life's advancement.

Another thing about that woman is that she won't listen to what I say unless it concerns her. I tested that the last time I saw her, I invented myself a job and carefully implied it three times; strange how critically important that was to her when we were together, but now she is not asking a single question about it because she can't profit. She don't care about me; only my appearance and what I can bring to her is important. One thing's for sure, I saw a woman with a totally different attitude in many facet of her life while straight versus less inhibited (and I was almost "lucky" not to end up in her bed). And nothing wrong with paying drinks or cigarettes or a joint to someone, I wouldn't want to live in a world where I can't do that, even if it's been a long time since I did any of that, but being interested in someone is part of the game too; there are all kind of ways to say someone is special to you. Still, she seems a lot better now, when she's straight, the main problem may be that at the time I had met her, it was probably at the worst moment in her life. Still, I wouldn't try again, I can't dump all my history with her because of that knowledge and I don't really know if I'm just hallucinating or what, just like my mother that looks fine under limited circumstances... So at the time, when our relation concluded, I judged things that much harshly and I'll continue describing how things were or felt for me at the time.

So, to get back to my story, she was my first girlfriend and I thought I loved her enough to get over all that. Yet, I was thinking of that blond girl I left behind without a word, and I hoped she would grow happier than the one I was with, because if what was hidden behind every grown woman pretty images was such a frustrated thing as the examples I knew, then maybe men were justified to control them totally with their strength, or maybe I had to pay the price for my ancestor's bad treatments on women and my father was the example to follow? Until women prove themselves worse than men we will have to bow maybe? My answer is no, I'm not supposed to pay for the errors of my ancestors, and they were no better than me, that's for sure; I won't let those retarded ancestors decide my future like most people do, I am the future, I will find every mistakes they made and not repeat them even if I must become alien to this world.

21. Still at the beginning of that relation, the boss of the youth hostel doesn't like her and he is continually trying to separate us while she tries to raise me against him. She succeed as we come to the conclusion he is a big part of our troubles so we will leave the youth hostel to rent an apartment in the adjacent town where she is supposed to let me relax and clear my thinking peacefully for some time while she goes to school.

I am worried about my hands, they are getting crustier and bloody too; if I close my fist hard enough the crust crack at the joints giving me bloody fists! So I try to get information on how to stop it finding nothing satisfying, the only interesting solution is for fingernails, which I have no more, they're few millimeter things, and it consisted of using costly stinking crap, too much of a hassle as I wash my hands too often too, particularly if they stink... I don't even remember not eating my hands, I already had the top of my fingers eaten to the middle joints before entering the army, and while I may not have had enough time to enjoy the activity, it just became worse after I got out. And when I say I had bloody fists, it is true, no problem normally, not that ugly, no bleeding, but closing my fist hard cracked the skin everywhere really giving me a bloody fist; a fistfight would have been really messy, but strangely I don't remember much fighting with my fists, I'm not a fist kind of guy, I don't close my fists, even when I'm angry, except to punch. It took me a lot of time to gain the consciousness that I had a problem as they were just my usual hands and nobody said a word about it; I heard a lot of critics and insults, but strictly nothing about my hands (even while in the military...). My bloody hands started me to consciously understand something was very wrong with me, then I became kind of shy of it, I tried to hide it.

I get my first social assistance check, but after a few months I understand she lied to me all along; I'll never live in peace with her whatever I do. I quickly get tagged as lazy and stupid, I profit from the system, I do nothing with my life, she is forever more harsher while I search my brain open to find what the problem is, or why I attract so much troubles to myself. I want to find what's wrong with me. I could have visited a psy but my experience while in the military of their attitude, unsatisfying options of mental attitudes, and even "menaces" of internment or military imprisonment, didn't make it an option; you never know, maybe they'll discover I'm good for the hospice, and the only way to stop me cannibalizing my hands is with a straightjacket...

As for her pressure to get me to do something with my life, it gave totally contrary result than what she wanted; it revolted me, I defended myself by finding justifications and I started hating her. She probably initiated the start of my total revulsion for all pressure sources and manipulations to get a job as I couldn't understand what was so evil in taking a break to relax and use my brains, something in there is nagging me... I was still on that thinking momentum I had started in the army; one reason I quit the army was that I wanted more time to think. I knew I was a moron and an innocent in many things, but I liked very much to use my brain, and not to get it filled with school recipes or to play chess. In a sense, I could say she helped me toward my "destiny" since it is there that I started to enlarge my questioning of everything composing this reality. Still, my judgment wasn't very good so it wasn't a very strong or convincing capacity; it was just a very slow waking up and a good manipulator would probably have succeeded at removing that from me...

Now, I won't say she had no qualities, but she had contrary attentions I could say, she wrote me some letters I appreciated a lot too. She liked to seek knowledge too, and she never feared expressing her opinions, never, but mix that with bipolarity and personal problems and you got one explosive mixture...I lived through quite a few theatrical, dramatic and violent scenes as the stupid innocent and jealous man, then ho and behold, I'd wake up from the sofa in the morning to watch her almost jump in happiness like yesterday was the best day of her life without reasons! Didn't make me feel very secure for sure... For her, all her troubles came from bipolarity, yet, she didn't take her lithium and another medication regularly because it gave her a few skin spots. So the truth is she was more concerned about any defect to her appearance than her mental health. Some will say it's her choice to live like that but her attitude gave hell to all men around her, then she'd cry that nobody "loved" her, that everything was the fault of men. Yes I learned a lot from her, but not from the maturity I was seeking initially.

She would not miss a chance to seduce a man, even when I was with her, even if she had absolutely no notions of romance at all. She would make a man go doggy-doggy then leave him there like he never existed, a true "agace pisette". Sex was difficult too; it was a high risk affair that could easily slip into some kind or other emotional breakdown, or that damn speech about a woman's uterus that you absolutely must not stop making babies (condoms are good, but hardly; waiting the natural cycle is the way to go people!) "The only thing that can compare to the shutting down of a woman's uterus is the loss of your penis and testicles". I hated to hear that, I couldn't think of a more stupid comparison to make, I think it's the most hateful thing I have ever heard in my whole life; "I hate men" pure and simple is better. It was the same situation with her ex-boyfriends; there was always one better than me at everything and she was very happy to tell me about it, but in a different mood or situation, they were all as insignificant as me or worse. The problem with me is that I easily build-up resistance, and I don't just learn; I apply. So, as I was slowly growing a psychological warfare pro, I came to realize I didn't like the tangent my attitude was taking with her, our relation wasn't making sense, and I simply couldn't find what good for she was with me. Furthermore, it started to take an effort from my part not to rise to the level of physical violence. Anyway, she was an impossible person to live with at the time, and when I imagined the results of a successful use of her godly uterus, the bells got ringing.

So I evolved with her to become better at fighting back when we had an argument, I would tell her to get rid of that uterus thing before bad people like me get born out of it and sarcastic answers like that. But such answers only made thing worse and exposed more and more her lacks, getting her almost crazy. I tried to give her the 50-50; you're good, I'm good, you spit in my face, I spit in yours etc... but I always ended up dealing at a loss since in the end she'd blow a gasket and the argument would end in a suicidal mess of hysterical crying. She wanted little Christ reactions of offering the other cheek, she wanted a slave of me (Christ (different from Jesus) is good at making slaves of his believers). It was time for me to get out of this relation fast before something really bad happened as I was becoming really frustrated, but I would not quit her simply and directly before compromising her seriously enough to make her understand she had at least another problem beside her bipolarity "fourre-tout"; her lying habits and her inability to keep her promises, both things made her impossible to trust.

I had many usual activities I came to like doing like cooking, forest activities, computers, things like that, keeping in shape too, didn't like television much though; it gave me the impression of carefully selected people bullshitting themselves into happiness, but I didn't much watch television in my youth too. I was still trying to be a better sexual performer too, as my performance was a big problem for the both of us, particularly since she had learned somewhere that women were supposed to have multiple orgasms and it was important I became better, while it took me almost an hour of competition against her frustrations to bring her to "something"; she was like a complex machinery ready to break down at the first imperfection or mistake, and it was getting me totally uninterested in sex, it was a chore, and a terrible frustration too since I'm kind of a thinking and playing man and I felt that only violence would give me a place, like in cavern times.

I think women have no idea how frustrating it is for men to just forget their sexual excitation, and I know she'd be the first to tell me it's the same for women, but I don't believe it. I know the mind controls the human, we are not animals, and I never had a problem stuffing my erection anytime, but when you're going to have sex, those testicles really have an effect and playing with men's excitation, discarding it with an insult while turning your back is an automatic two tons of hate free for women; you don't do that! You want to excite men then laugh at or insult them? Laugh at them with pubs in underwear while looking like you're craving for sex? Respect men. As for sex everywhere, most religions exist because some don't respect less libertine views of sexuality, libertine people will have to understand that someday if they want less wars and religious insanity (religious views of sexuality are all insane, or not far from it, and such twisted views are often the result of an overcompensation to defend a saner view, it's like saying I wouldn't have to do the insane action of killing you if you respected my view). You don't have the right to use mass reaching device to spread your libertine view as the default one since it is not the best way of human reproduction, particularly to cultures that may be trying to develop a different view. Furthermore, our body is the last thing not entirely monetized, why not have a single thing not profited from monetarily? Why not make it something exceptional in the name of love? Why do you absolutely want to make it something ordinary? Our body makes the other part of ourselves that can make love exist go crazy, it should not be used to compete or dilute true love. And whatever you don't care about what I have to say, I say that if you want to use the most beautiful thing in an ego fashion, to compete or seduce as much as you can, to sell things, to profit, to piss people off, then your gang will reap disrespect and hate, not love; believe love is crap, compete, destroy or make PMBBD with love and it will come back with the appropriate vengeance, be it in 100 years or in a million, humanity's failure only a detail in the mess of misunderstandings since you'll never want to believe true love was that much important. But bringing it back to power would be too much of an extraordinary difficulty for this reality, far more difficult than all the sex show-off revolution that have been necessary to make it insignificant. And I'm not talking about the eye contact thing of TV, I'm talking respect of intelligence and sexuality. I'll defend love because I believe it is a door to more, meant to become a genetic thing, the best way of human reproduction, and absolutely necessary to become one of the best lifeform of the universe. Maybe that's craziness to you, maybe you don't care, but I'll still write a whole chapter (Love Entanglement) to better explain why.

I finally found a place for my return to studying, I'd become the computer geek I wanted, even if I had a round 0 at school in such matter when younger; yeah 0, no expert who is supposed to know what best path we're supposed to take in life would have guessed that one, but that's to be expected; you don't judge me when your world is a reflection of your failed judgment! I'm not the adequate recipient for your type of wisdom...

My interest in computers was steady and her pressure to get my butt moving was quite insistent as the subject of my laziness kept creeping back in our arguments. That is, whatever I had told her before moving that I wanted to relax and care for myself, think of my future for a year. But I had understood my paroles would forever enter one of her hears to exit the other immediately unless it grew her ego... Anyway, before going back to school, I would finish my story with her.

I decided to use sex to flush her; we were both unsatisfied sexually and she would not miss a chance to insult me or men in general on this subject. As for me, even if there was room for a lot of improvement, I never thought of myself as totally incompetent; I'm trying to learn and please my partner and I needed more than her prudery, mental instability and frigidity (you surely won't get sexual satisfaction from this, but her manipulation (seduction) ability will get you into the trouble zone...). I put a big deal on the table; I get circumcised and in exchange she would shave the amazon and take the pill for as long as I've been using the condom. I guessed the proposition would be interesting to her since she passed her time talking sex with her friends, then there was this thing about circumcised dicks getting bigger, and why should I have the smaller dick? And my penis is more than ok, if I could say that, but I'll skip saying more than perfect (no, Olympians are not perfect)... Anyway, I was right, she was all excited on hype about the idea of my circumcised dick like it would make everything bigger and better, but I knew she would never put her godly uterus to sleep, and I even had strong doubts about the shaving. So I got it done while preparing to get lost in another city with my new dick in hands...

Healing took more than a month, I used the time to prepare for a fast exit to Quebec as my boat of a car was still in working order. I made phone calls to have fast possibilities of getting an apartment there and I met a very cool girl at a telephone meeting system too. She would become a very good friend for some time (until I decided to go against this reality).

My predictions were right on the spot; after one month she still hadn't even shaved an inch and the pill would not come either for sure too. So I told her I'd break the bail and flush her upon my return from a visit to my parent's home. Before she started manipulating and losing it, I told her she was a liar, a manipulative fridge, unable to keep her promises and a lot more, I passed like an interminable time insulting her, and however red and angry she became, however loud she shouted, I ignored her and continued my path, until she got out of the place by herself, having only violence left, to go cry on friendly shoulders, which, whatever her craziness, she always seems to find aplenty; I guess weak and extrovert people like to hold themselves together, and make the world in their image; a fucking mess...You wouldn't believe how good I felt after that, I passed the whole trip to my parent's house laughing, singing, and shouting in my car, and it was a long trip and I didn't care, I was alone in a snowstorm in the night, following a big snowplow making a track just for me and I had fun!

I would pay dearly my moment of elation; when I came back she wasn't there, good, but the same for a lot of my things. After a few days of investigation I found where she had moved. She had taken a room in a house with friends so I went there, knocked on the door and she was the one that answered. I asked for my things and got in an argument over the phone calls to the girl from Quebec which ended with the door closing in my face. I went around the house and found an unlocked window, opened it and started to enter when she appeared and closed it on me over and over, but it just got me raging so I pushed her away hard and entered. I searched fast while she cried like she just lost a child; I found my things and got out. The day after the police came to my apartment, arrested and bought me to station jail like a criminal because the crazy bitch got bruised somewhere and filed a complaint for violence. Totally predictable, how could I had missed it, I knew all along it would end like that, I did as best as I could to avoid it but I wasn't careful enough. And in Quebec, the matriarch culture makes it so they almost always win when making such a complaint in a credible enough fashion, and an innocent like me that never dealt with the justice system couldn't understand half of what was going on.

As I would later gain more experience with the so called "justice system", I can only qualify it as making a parody of justice most of the time, or, more appropriately, an injustice distribution system concerning most of my dealings with it. And I don't care they'll say it is the best in the world, or that it is worse in another country; I'm talking about my personal experience as a person striving to act in a good manner and I reaped wrong accusations and attacks to my reputation in almost all my dealings with it! But I want to respect the justice system, it's like the last barrier of dignity left to me, but it's patented worse than a political system, so expensive, slow, competent proportionally to money, with the police it did its contribution to revolt me against this reality too (I even believe the justice system has greatly diminished my father, but I won't talk about this.)

For my first time, they didn't make an investigation, ask questions, show me photos, or pass me to the lie detector as it would have worked very well with such an innocent, no, nothing like this, they did the same thing as the military did; they sent me straight to a psy and he did the questioning. Can't I do anything in this world without stumbling on a psy? Do they decide everything in this world or what? Are they so good at reading people that we must post them everywhere as detectors of troubles? Is their knowledge so great that everybody listen to them like gods? If the police have their godly psy then to hell with the investigation? Is that it? Anyway, after his questioning and listening to my story you know what was his reaction? He was in admiration! He said he wanted to be like me and that he believed me totally, that I should have no problem getting out of this unscratched!

On my judgment day, they brought me before the judge, and without ever having a chance to defend myself, he declared me culprit of violence to women. For my crimes I had to pay 200$ to the beaten-up woman's institute place and I got a criminal file. And I could not even see the face of the crazy bitch because she was with her parents in Montreal, this city she continually talks about and "love" so much. So this is it, this is how it works for me, just like that I'm now I'm a criminal that beat women for I was judged as such, I was totally out of my mind, it didn't make sense, I couldn't believe it actually happened, and now I was angry! Is that it? This is justice? This is how it works? Is there supposed to be something that goes right in my life? Is there something good for me? I needed attention and affection, love, encouragements, truth, sexuality, a justice, a chance and I got exactly the contrary, inattention, no affection, hate, discouragement, lies, bad sex and injustice. This world is hell, I hate it, and I died another time, this time with opened eyes...

One thing's for sure, if I could have caught that bitch I would have given her a true beating until she beg for pardon on her knees! You stole my personal things and made me a criminal? You gave me the reputation of a woman beater? Then you owe me your personal things and you owe me a beating to make it true! And this will be so until the end of your life! Two wrongs don't make a right? Fuck you! I want justice! Will your bullshit give it to me? I want her humiliated! Corrected! She'll think twice about doing something like this the next time! I surely don't want her to feel like she won something! It was a very good idea that she hid far, far away under the dress of her mom in her rotten city, because I was truly going crazy! I had enough of all this, I wanted and needed a proof that things were working in a good direction or that I was only bad lucked, but enough is enough! You want me to be a good citizen? Work hard? You want me to believe this world is good? I must be proud of democracy? You want me to base my judgment on other people's lives? Where are my examples? On television? I hate your television full of smiling godly actors and experts, it is ridiculous! My life is my life and my experience is the base of my judgment, if I want to end it in depression or suicide, it is the worst possible failure, you understand this? Inflated ego people like that bitch makes the world depressive as they flash their smile, people are not supposed to be depressed, particularly with so much entertainment, sex, gadgets, psy and religions around! So what's wrong? And I'm not your wonderful experience, and I prefer death than to get my memory manipulated!

Becoming capable of greater anger will become one of my goal, and for that I'll need to become a shouting pro too, because diplomacy and respectuosity just get yourself crushed under authoritative momentum when dealing with women around here...you got to push back, or duck if you fear what's coming, but you got to push back on the verge of the law, and the success line is still thin, and it takes a strong mind to sustain a minimally adequate flow of thinking and talking while controlling one's genuine anger, can be ugly, and you got to be careful of the gremlins who are just waiting to call the police out of a frustration or jealousy they're having on you...But logically, it's hard to have a cold or respectful attitude when you are emotionally involved in disrespectful anger...but the justice system never understood that, to it you must do the respectful quiet anger thing or you are punished...in my repetitive experience at getting angry at people, whatever the reason I end-up with the police. My conclusion is that anger is illegal, and for that I have the right to destroy until this stupidity is reversed, and I want compensation! I know I'm not a saint, I can blow a gasket, but they are live and let live kind of gaskets, not a degeneration of aggravating events arising from a benign accident, kind of...gaskets...

This was my experience of life as I reached adulthood, not enough troubles, this wonderful system needed to tag me as a criminal at it, and now I must be strong and get a job, no, gotta run to the psy so he can judge me as needing anti-depressives while I'm not depressive, that I must pardon? That I must forget? That I must tolerate? That I must adapt? That I must accept? That I end-up saying I'm the problem? That it's my fault? Go to the psy confessional? But I won't do any of this because it's what this reality wants of people like me, instead I will try to understand and explain its problem, even if every traitor to himself knows what it is, I'll do it again, I'll tire you, I will live in this deceptive reality whatever the result, and I won't hide under medication so I can work hard for a reality I'm supposed to fight!!

Your best system full of happiness and "love" I don't like it! I can't even imagine a worse failure of human values than this, I can't imagine more twisted, more manipulated, more hypocritically unfair! And I don't care about the prisons and the good people working hard, this is a system or not? It is, and as a system there can't be worse at that level (dictatorships etc, are another matter) is what I say. Today I can say this world is a developing guaranteed failure whatever you show pretty erotic women everywhere (a big argument!) and need a totality of smiling entertainment (that's bigger!). In my mind, there are no aliens and predators enemies, no King Kong to have a target to dictate what is evil, to me the monsters are humans, hell is a human place, and evil is a human thing for as long as there are no extraterrestrials to compare (to see who's got bigger biceps).

I will concede that there are a lot of good things, can't do otherwise, and I know most of the selection is happy enough, and they need good entertainment, sex, pretty cars and buildings... I'm a little hard, but I know ego people are very happy in what they manage to believe is happiness I should guess, they took the means to make the interdependent selection with PMBBD too; they took all means, they made this reality for themselves! But who am I? Everybody is in in his own way, and me I'm out, that's my style, I find no examples so I make the examples, and I want to bash in some evil, can I? I'll give myself the right to do it after writing this, I'll have the justifications! You have no right to boast how great a civilization you are with examples like me! It's not enough? You need the invalidation of all the arguments and PMBBD this reality built itself through history to listen to my shout of revolt? I'll do, to an acceptable level of credibility, even if I know it will be worthless to move this deaf and flash blinded self assured selection, I'll do, I'll give myself the justification to destroy this hell if I must! Before death rate increases while people live longer... From now on, I will live to explain your problem in big detail and I will make it available freely to all those expert and knowledgeable inflated final manipulative heads so they can do what they do best; ignore or discredit anybody or anything not fitting their expert media opinions...

Who profit from all the misery and troubles of this world? Manipulators and profiteers full of dollars hidden in luxury homes, aristocracy, family dynasty, politicians with their economy running on the exploitation of "its" citizens one way or another! Who truly profit from drugs cartels, prostitution (escorting), weapon trade, show me the truth! Why do they eternally exist in this best system? On what basis those unfairly gigantic countries build their pretty illusion of saintity? Fairness? Oh! You got arguments because you're a habile user of PMBBD or hype maker? You made a hundred condemnations to defend your way of life? You think you have the right, the justifications to be rich over the head? You think the selection satisfying your definition of humanity is an argument? Your brainwashed population in admiration? You're proud people, pointing fingers everywhere while in truth you're the one creating all the troubles with your unlimited needs, and you think you make the world go round so much you're brainwashed out of your mind! And you can stuff universities with your philosophy all you want, you're the worst nightmare of humanity come alive! So keep on developing and ganging inflated egos like yourself, keep on condemning humanity, but you'll take your responsibility one way or the other with me. Show off while you can't stand to see the misery you're creating, avoid it except when cameras are around, hide it the best you can, and when it surfaces again and again and it's never your fault, always the fault of the one already in difficulties, like me, and next they'll be the bad ones for expressing their frustration? Even in writing? They don't work hard enough to build you a castle on the moon where you can hide in luxury without fear? They don't produce enough happy pretty young prostitutes (escorts) to fill your castle? They don't drink enough to get uninhibited and spill some frustration so you can say they are the bad ones? And pay yourself tons of protection so you're an unattainable "god" with its throngs of blind admirer who get an orgasm when they touch the untouchable "god"? That way frustrated people like me can only displace frustration to insignificance? While you continue the selection of people who satisfy your goals of hegemony? You think people who are victims of your systematization of unfairness are worth their difficulties? This is what fairness means to you? Everybody is supposed to be a millionaire?

That's why everytime there is someone doing a flash killing you see them psy and media people going nuts saying the person had this or that mental sickness, if not, she was feeling prosecuted by the system while half the time it is pure lies, lies. They're so sure of their psy science they don't even do research about the person, they'll automatically jump on their pile of psy PMBBD to attack anybody doing harm to their selection or ultimate system. That's what will happen if I start killing my enemies, whatever I write a million words of logical justifications, only the boss of the business have that right, and who are his enemies, what are his justifications? I bet they are perfectly fine to psy and media people...But me? If I do anything even remotely related to violence they'll find a way to quickly dump my credibility by attacking my sanity with their psy science without even reading my justifications, unless they can fit on a few pages, which is the perfect size to leave the door open to more discredit (That's why I try to leave no door open for manipulators (preventive defense, half my work...) But did I really kill because I "felt" prosecuted? (like it is a bullshit feeling, you're automatically wrong, and them they are superior, they don't act from feelings, feelings are like wild speculation, it's just good for deciding the value of things that have nothing to do with feelings...(the emotionally influenced trade market)) Not at all is what I say! I hate something sufficiently to kill, maybe I think differently, maybe my ideals are different, and I take action to stop the hate or fight my enemy because this reality won't do it. I don't feel prosecuted, I absolutely know, it is a fact, that this reality systemized unfairness, and I want to stop it, so if I kill someday it won't be because I "feel" prosecuted, allright? They always say the guy didn't have friends while half the time they got many, liars, I said half the time, is that enough? How is it possible that newsmen make such an affirmation while an hour later they're interviewing many people who make the affirmation that they knew the person very well or that he was a friend? I'm not defending killers, but I hate manipulators and distributors of PMBBD. They're trying to make dangerous mentally sick people out of anybody not submitted to the system like themselves! They'll say he had a mental problem even if he was not institutionalized while half the time it is not true, so lying is not beyond their scope for sure, it's a fundamental part of their jobs is more like it. They defend this reality, and they'll suggest that if you are not well in it is because you have a wrong feeling or a problem in the head and you should consult to get readjusted to acceptance, tolerance, adaptation, the result is that as soon as someone that should be normal is a little different, he is rejected in many social facets to the point of developing true problems, and that's a facet of this pressure selection I talk about.

So don't say I'm the cause of my own problems, or my family at the worst, too easy, this argument is thrown about by anybody on anything like an ultimate recipe to discard responsibility, like when they say life is unfair (Don't worry; I'll make another better speech later on this "Life's so unfair" thing, even if it will be worthless to a know it all seen it all selection who can't take a speech attacking their PMBBD certitudes for sure, to protect the conflicting mess of their mind...) Nobody can say my problems are not caused by unfairness or unfairly rich people, decompose any human problem and you end up dealing with fairness notions; everything is about fairness, and it is exactly where we can differentiate evil and good the most; you can say a killer is evil, but in truth he made things unfair to someone since he took the whole life energy (money work potential) of that person, even if he wasted it. So someone who took, in money (life energy), the equivalence of a life (more in Life Infinite) without being worth it (toward life's advancement or well being in my view of good and evil, and this can be entertainment) is a bit evil, minimally, but things can degenerate quickly, you can even go to the extent of killing this person and you wouldn't be evil for it, they're lucky most good people would prefer to just force this person to reimburse what he stole. Still, at some point there are evidences, it is evident to me that past a certain amount of pay you are slipping in evil automatically by what is taken around you to permit what's necessary for your existence (high consciousness life energy, money work potential, time, economy turning in you terminology, but it stops at you doesn't it? And you stash it, and you make it work to your advantage with percentages...You're the bug in your economy because you condemn every facet of humanity and civilization with pyramids of power and control that you can hardly reinvent without world trade center style kind of coincidences...

Dependence to a specialty should never be an argument for exaggerated salaries either, but nobody today is even capable of having this mentality because the understanding is not there, said respectfully. I'll add that letting a person continue in the unfairness track actually grows our global evil, it is our responsibility to stop or limit evil; if I tried to take the life of a child what would you do? Let me do it? The joke is that humans don't have infinite value, and if they don't, it means there is a limit to the value we can give people, and so a good system puts a limit to define fairness with the results to prove it; you can't have infinite worth because the worth is always taken from other people, but it seems nobody in human history understood this...The other thing is disrespect of life, as much human as wild, country competition and the eternal guarantee of overpopulation and war machine production, and destruction. Then there's the PMBBD pressure to form humanity...All that makes it impossible to really change things profoundly, so the path ahead is gloomy, but we can make another reality, peacefully or violently...

For now, I'll have to find a way to pay my apartment for the next few months, since I signed the bail alone, in case I gave troubles to my ex girlfriend, that way she can leave without the trouble of having to pay her half, isn't that nice, or how nice of me! She happily did! I just didn't know at the time that she had absolutely no conscience except for herself, that she hated men enough to push them to suicide. Anyway, the proprietor of the place let me pay half the price if I helped her move furniture around between apartments for the rest of my stay.

I was about ready to leave when my car scrapped totally. It worked, noisily, until I had to climb a mountain; I had to slowly turn around near the top because the car was losing too much power, that's when I saw the ecologic disaster behind me, the whole decor was covered in thick white smoke under the noon sun...Ok, I still could turn back and return home, but I stopped along the way and the car died there, had to call the scrapyard... So even though I didn't like it, I had to ask my father to help me move to Quebec. I didn't like the idea because at the time my parents had this quirk where good things in my life happened because they were good parents and everything bad was because I'm doing stupid, I'm exaggerating a little, but telling me they gave me good health because I kept in shape was kind of annoying, or speak like I didn't care for what "they gave me" (like I asked something) made me reticent asking their help...

22. I finally got to Quebec City, met my friend, and made a girlfriend. She was a bit fat, but she had a very good heart and mind too; you hear me brain-dead pretty women who pass their time talking about sex and drying their teeth and trying to get orgasms while dreaming of making money selling their erotized asses? Yeah, wow, I think that girl had reasons to be unhappy or frustrated, probably far more than my first one, but I never looked into these reasons and I never exposed my past either. In fact, I never liked talking about it, I just gave the plank as an example that it was rough at places, while I continued secretly elaborating my opinion of this reality. It didn't last very long but I'll never forget her, she was good for me with her relaxed attitude and easy dealings, she took me as a whole simply, with an invincible humor; I just hope she met someone worth her as I did not care enough for her, but she succeeded at planting calm and good in a very revolted and still innocent me; I was free with her, she would have been there whatever I did, and she never complained, she had a natural good way of dealing with everything, really, all along my life my respect for that girl never ceased to increase, bit by bit, as souvenirs resurface, how she drove through traffic like a pro, I think I could have given her a hundred different things to do and she would have found a way to do it all, and I'd get it all with a smile, and an insult, that I would gladly accept, because she gave freely and strongly, at 100 km/h, a true Quebecker will go a long way with such a girl, if he's not thinking solely about laziness and, with, or, his dick... And as it is the case for all the best people I ever meet, she paid everything all by herself (not in the money sense, but yes, in the money sense too). She has been competent with me at an important moment, and I've not given her her fair due for it (not that she'd see it that way). I tried once to get back to her with a kind of appreciation party, later in my life, but I did it stupidly and I regretted. I don't think she noticed, and that's ok, and she seemed to be in a good situation so I "forgot" about her. Anyway, a great action girl, maybe too good for this world, and her parents were always very cool with me too, but I met a very attractive one that ended that relation, while preparing for my secondary 5 equivalence course, before I could take the computer course.

She was younger than me without experience so I let her take her time, I would have loved that girl; all her ways, how she walked, how she was, how she took her time to do things well, serious and open to my funny, all her attitudes pleased me, and difficult too, and she wanted me. We never went to the point of actually having sex and I don't regret it as her parents didn't like me and I never knew why. I know her father was an Arab or something and he was hard with her, she said, yet, she didn't want me to intervene. This was hard for me as I was trying to fit my dark sider philosophy with my wish to still be part of something. Having my friend and having had a cool girlfriend was motivating me back to a future though, as simple as it would be. But one day I got a phone call from her mother and she told me I couldn't see her anymore. I asked to talk to her and got a bunch of insults that didn't make sense, even provoking me into coming to their home if I was game (there are quite a few women between 45 and 60 years old who are frustrated and pass by a suicidal provoking bout, beware guys, they'll push you until someone gets hurt, you can tell them you'll suicide if you want, you'll see they'll be totally unimpressed, chopping your arm off? Pfff! It proves nothing! You really have to shoot yourself to convince them you're serious! I think the solution is too late, or it was meant to go this way, what can I say, you have it the ego reality way, and its love ways...just my street psychology, don't take it too seriously.

The problem with me is that I'm beyond that even if I look lazy or innocent. It's a shame really, people totally misjudge me, and by very far, and that pisses them off, but not as much as me, and I'm stronger, better, and I'll get a revenge if you don't stop. I do not initiate, people see me as manipulable, I am, in the name of the benefit of the doubt I carry the candor coat proudly, then I experience, then I kick asses, and I don't care how inflated your ego is, I'll blow it up if you don't learn! I work contrarily to most of the people who look like adults but who are as innocent as kids in truth. It's just the upside down way it is in hell...Or is it that I'm one with my ideology?

As for that bitch that provoked me to come get their daughter at their home, I did right away, bashed the locked door somewhat, shouted some insults then got away before the police arrived. They tried to bring me to court to pay for the door and the frame but I guess they understood I would not insist on seeing their daughter anymore so they didn't insist about the door, or their daughter convinced them to remove the complaint. Anyway, she came to see me once thereafter and that's it; I never saw her again.

The same for another one I met at the same telephone system, she was somewhat older and very attractive. That one was crazy about me, but only sexually it seemed, it was a question of body odor she said. That lasted a few months as I didn't believe it was love. The phone system is the only system that ever worked for me, and it shut down when the internet became big. I would eventually try internet sites, and seriously, but I was never able to meet someone because the ones fitting with me are all fake or not appropriate, I may have wasted 1000$ for nothing there, while I could meet 10 interesting girls with 50$ on the old phone system. Then came things like Tinder, but "austerity" made it so I can't afford neither the phone nor the internet anymore, so I sure can't pay for a portable phone. Then, from what I see, I wouldn't even dare try this because it's at the opposite, too easy, I'll want a blood test for sex diseases and a contract, supposing I'd trust a single person there. And I wouldn't dare ask with how many guys the girl had sex with, I could reap insults, because all the supposedly adult guys who used this site liked to boast that they fucked different girls aplenty, it's the goal, some kind of competition of fucking for fake people finding pride and acceptance by embarking on any media that can publish their ego portrait for mass comparison of psy social convention, the modern vision of self-esteem I suppose, where they think love is a matter of being a don juan or 007...One thing's for sure, if you got a million guys socially mixing their dicks brainlessly there, proudly like their goal is to eliminate true love off the surface of the planet, then you got to have a million girls doing the same. This is not my place for sure, even if I understand that social animals may need to competitively fuck around a lot, but that doesn't applies to me, I'm not a social animal...

23. I met a man while training at the gym, he wanted to take photographs and start a project he had for a television soap. He was making lots of money for not much work doing expensive hairdo from what he said. I don't know if it was true but I was ready to try as the timing was good; my studies in electronics and computers programming were jokingly easy so I had lots of free time. Furthermore, I was continuing my efforts at adapting, tolerating and accepting. And I was truly making efforts, I think the last 3 women's attitudes somehow reversed my revolt or changed my goals even if the relations failed, I was even cumulating many friends and I liked talking with the young girl I had met by telephone before moving here, I always felt a philosophical kind of thing with her, in a sense she let me slide left and right mentally, her open attitude permitted me to explore my soul, and I found it completely decapitated and crushed. I didn't see it that way at the time, I was free, I was exploring, cumulating data, but one day I sat and looked at myself, and found that there was the greatest challenge of my life, and I took it, and you wouldn't believe how far I walked to succeed at rebuilding myself from the mess.

The man himself was interesting so he was slowly becoming a friend and he helped me a lot too, in all kind of ways. He seemed nice but there was something off with him, in the brain, and I was not able to know his sexual orientation, it's like he had none. But he had tons of friends and he seems to be into sex a lot...And me I don't know, it's like I'm made to judge people, the "thou shalt not judge" thing of religions? It doesn't work at all with me, I think it's because I've been judged too much myself, or I feel people doing it particularly intensely on me. And this has developed in all kind of principles, one of which is that sexuality is not something that is separated from the being, it contributes to form the person a lot, I would say sexuality is as important in how we interact with each other as the value that is given to sex in reality, which is big to say the very least. While sexuality alone sure doesn't describe someone, sexuality is a part of a person and I'll always steer away from people who want to separate it from human properties in the name of whatever funky argument, and that's the weird part, I'll fight off the bullshit more than anything else, because I've known a few people with non-standard sexualities, and I never felt the need to run away, some definitively piss me off though, the show off types particularly...I didn't have this kind of view at the time though, I just knew sexual attitudes had an importance in my relationship with people, and not precisely in the sex sense, but more like in the mind sense.

After a few months of playing with my hairs and photography, I met a few of his steady friend from Montréal which were all homosexuals. It was not a problem at the beginning, only a factor, but I became annoyed at their way of talking as I didn't understand the ugly voice mutation that occurred when men had oral sex among themselves...(I'm bad) I appreciated their intellectual efforts for some time but this doesn't necessarily bring knowledge or wisdom and absolutely not know all. But what quickly got on my nerves is that many had this attitude of being intellectually superior, or more evolved, like they know everything, and that's almost why they are homosexuals.

I know they are not all like that, but I just didn't want to have them around anymore as they continually tried to talk about sex, it was evident they were trying to manipulate me into their view of a more open sexuality, like I was a retard for not liking sodomy, that I should absolutely try it with my next girlfriend, things like that which are supposed to prove I'm part of a modern society, almost. In fact I felt like I was supposed to be a moron with my view of love compared to their great love that only sounded like bullshit in my imagination. But this is not specific to homosexuals, I never liked social sex discussions, they are always too twisted, or too stupidly vulgar (nothing against erotic vulgarity in bed), or too manipulative to my tastes (like my first girlfriend who talked continually and to everybody about sex while her quest for the vastest pool of experience destroyed love all over the place, and her frustration still showed) and I like to talk sexy or vulgar with those I sleep with, I just don't feel the need to do it socially. I stopped getting involved in their discussions but they reacted badly to this, like I had a homophobia problem, with the result that they were waking up the black beast I thought I had smoldered, and the beast had lots of fun destroying all their arguments and "intelligence" as twisted insignificance, but not loudly for sure... It did this with only one hear open; when it woke up totally, it told me to go to hell with my superstar dream and that so much homosexuals around made his nose twitch. I should add that their heavy presence around the television industry, which, for French Quebeckers, is mostly a Montreal thing, made me better understand some reasons why I didn't like television, I had no place there.

As for the man, I was starting to doubt his capacity to bring his soap project to realization as I never saw a written line about it. It was all in his head I think, and you don't do such a project alone without writing a line. I think he wanted to prove something to someone, maybe give the illusion of a project under way to get some money or the attention of someone. I flushed his project by further justifying that a superstar was not for me.

Anyway, I felt more and more manipulated by him, but I would not dump him before going to his Halloween party for the experience of it. I passed some time at his place someday to prepare my things for the party when I saw the most incredible girl entering his place (strange, just thinking I'll talk about her and my heart skipped a beat, what is still more strange is that it is her who sometimes lost consciousness or started bleeding from the nose when in my arms, never saw her crying though). She was someone I would not resist in any way, just by seeing her I knew I would love her like no other I ever met. We were going to make our masks by teams of two, so I asked him to be with superwoman but mister decided otherwise, I would have to do it with a nice, cool and cute blond woman, the kind with whom I could easily fall in comfortable love; had I not seen eve...As it was, I was quite silent while making my mask with her, even if I had all the reasons to be interested in her. Too bad, I was only thinking of stealing the girl then getting rid of the man with his shaky project after the party.

This is how I met my greatest love to date, she haunted me for some time until I saw her back at the party and I'd have taken her on the table in front of everybody for a start and I truly almost did. We broke the party straight to bits, we were both the same age at the exact opposite of the zodiac, me born in cold ice with a burning reactor in the chest, she born in burning heat with a fridge in the chest. She was a loving girl with a fantastic mind and if I was a god for her then I don't know what she was; a man must feel lucky to just talk to a woman like her and she was in my arms, she'd become my love. Even if she would not fit the stereotype, she could grind any Hollywood superstar to dust, disarm any rambobinette with her angelic smile or singsong laugh, but don't put a bozo(clown) in her path, her intellect would make it disappear in insignificance, and not without a good batch of insults unless she consciously decide you're funny.

She was disguised as a green sparkling cat with fiber optic antennas and a high tail. One of her antennas broke, probably willingly, so I could repair it. We talked a bit until it was too hot under our masks so we got rid of them and started embracing, kissing each other and then nothing else existed except us two looking into each other and wanting. The party was over for us, and not much later it was over altogether and it was time to go home. So we walked in the cold night to her place. We waited outside into each other's arms until the cold pierced us. I didn't enter her place because she had a boyfriend to get rid of first. And that's how it began.

This woman will banish my cover life and get the beast roaring until I find her only weakness and feed on it to our separation. I will go against this reality in her name for people like her and me to thrive in, without manipulators to reduce us, or jealous egos destroyers of love to scrape the skin off our back. I will carry a copy of her in my heart forever, I will build with her in my mind, whatever this reality made of her. But I'm getting quite ahead of myself here. First thing first, I finished my course, got my diploma and forgot the thing because I knew I would never like a job in this field. I was frustrated to have lost my time and energy in such a mistake too, but no protest from my love. What's more, I was annoyed that my mother paid the studies of my sister and not mine and of the fact that I had chosen a career while still being too innocent. I had the example of my sister who left home at 16 to become a microbiologist only to prefer working in a supermarket, and me that went to the army for nothing and studied computers for "nothing". It almost felt like a way for the system to enslave people, to get a hold of you and put you to work, by giving you a debt (mine was around 25.000$). The year I finished my course the government decided to change the law for bankruptcies from studies from 3 years to 10. I decided to do the same thing I did with my criminal file; keep it forever.

24. I welcomed the changes going through me, I felt where I belonged, and it was me, not a parody of a life offered by this reality. I was not running from the tsunami of my past anymore, I was turning around to look at it coming to crash on me and I accepted it both arms to the sky. My love was smiling. We were doing all kind of small activities that would be so precious to my life right now too. My time was mine but she was starting to think I was becoming lazy even if she took it with a smile. She had no idea of the storm developing in my head and me neither; I was having fun with all kind of concepts even if doing so was slowly making me darker in my opinions.

I liked playing computer games too, and this can reinforce the illusion of laziness, particularly if the work you do is brainwork. Not much television again, I didn't care hating the thing more and more for different reasons, mainly dealing my time versus what I felt more positive. For rewarding sitting entertainment, television is worse than anything, and it can't compare to a game. Television, pfff, there's good to it, I know, but games contain vastly more imagination and art to the point that television, for me that liked games, quickly became the medium of PMBBD, something young people wishing to become good should avoid, even if there is a lot of good in it. But don't worry, television still got a long future, we just could make better use of it, get rid of its "evil" facets overwhelming everything. But I'll add that playing one game or one type of games for too long invalidates many of its positive aspects. Now, I didn't talk about movies, they are an entirely different matter.

I was starting to visualize strange concepts and my love liked it. Not knowing what to do with my ideas, I decided to implement them in the development of a game. I started writing the project not realizing I was skipping a necessary part that would explode and overwhelm my thinking for years; justification (for the style, for my mental fight). I had only a small part of it and it was already too much for a normal game. It's like finding the answer to an unknown complex equation by a few hints; you show it to the mathematician who, before asking how in hell you reached the answer, ask the what for of it for which you have only hints; worse than not very convincing. My revolt had to become bigger, even global, and it would come naturally, from the momentum I already had.

But I didn't know this at the time, I was in love, I was writing a lot of stuff from pure imagination while my horizons kept enlarging, not knowing that the biggest part of the justification I was seeking without knowing it was right beside me; the love killer was in my bed, in the woman I loved. After a few fights, this discovery would lead to the end of our love because she accepted it and it lead her to believe in a twisted view of what I was to become; the antichrist, maybe it was just a quick insult, but I was still losing her since no other strong view toward what was developing in my head existed to make her drop her religion; I only had a mess of incomplete and very difficult to explain arguments in my head. Maybe she was right in her own way, religion oblige, but I found it so ridiculous at the time that it managed to open a crack between us. Still, that may sound weird, but because I loved her I continued unconsciously to form the first and only toolset (philosophy, ideal) for people like me to live true love fully; what I would have needed at the time to keep our love going, one thing's for sure, even to this day (happened a few time), saying I'm the antichrist really pisses me off, why do I have to deal with this shit?

But I'm not there yet, for now I abandoned my game project and concentrated on other writings, even if I had done a lot of work about it. It's just that the size and complexities of it grew proportionally with the size of the mental lands I was exploring, the importance of which increased with my deductions, whatever those were, to the point that I came to judge the vessel totally inadequate, impossible to do in the right way through the limitations of the reality. I found better justification to prioritize other activities, within the tolerances of the reality. I judged the reality would impede its functions too, minimally, it wouldn't help me bring it to completion in its useful form, even if I traded 50/50; so no computer game of a new ideal.

You can skip the next 3 pages if you find me barely interesting, but to have an idea, it was a small planet with almost possible magic consisting of more than 100 spells, a possible party of 6 with as much slots for all kind of friend animals with different skills. An experience system of percentages applied to more than 100 skills, a stat system for every body parts with which you could apply development emphasizes on any member of your team with reality like visual quality, an incredibly complex stats system directly applied to every body parts for visual pseudo realism, damage and healing directly applied to the stats and body parts. Personalized, complex control in advance of the behavior of your team and each individual to all kind of situations, 18 items you could wear to enhance your team members with enough potential variation to them to lose your mind in. An incredible list of strange quest made with one goal in mind; force the strongest emotion possible out of the player, you don't go in a dungeon while smoking a cigarette, it could end up whole in your lungs, or making a fire to pass the night seems like a good idea until the earth start to shake; a giant? a meteor shower? I don't know but you better do something and not panic because the saves are a limited thing that you find in the world and they are always a half hour away, meaning dying sets you back half an hour.

For single players, the internal exit save set you back half an hour (GT) while one of your save will do it half an hour later (GT) and you only got one personal save slot while the internal save system will give you a save for loading only, every 6 hours of gameplay. But those are cumulative and you can load back from any of them. This system is made to add some stress to the player while forcing no brain players away from the game as all kind of delayed things can happen like catching a sickness that will surface only in 100 game hours.

The game had, as part of its goal, to compose some kind of incomplete proofs that people are ready to escape reality in a game to do good for a long time while learning a lot and liking it, even if this have already been proven long ago through a vast majority of games where you kick the bad guy, whatever the notion is twisted. One thing's for sure most people don't like "evil" beings, even if their vision of what is "evil" is under heavy PMBBD (Propaganda, Manipulation, bullshit, Brainwash, Disinformation) influences created or spread by "evil" people.

I won't tell the initial story but you start the game on a planet with 9 different species competing and warring each other at an epoch similar to the roman and Egyptian epoch on earth with somewhat the same number of population doing exactly the same kind of business. They can grow technologically to the point of having the potential to reach other stars if they use their limited resources intelligently. No epoch switching here; you won't even notice the changes, passing through a town you may notice some new way of doing things, workers building a strange structure, but you'll have to come back a lot later if you want to actually see some change from far away. And you can do any job; carry the bricks to rebuild a war devastated city if you want, make plans...The complexity of the game will increase proportionally to the skills of the player (s). Eventually you'll have to go through hard question of life and death to gain the ultimate control of every facets of the game and bring every civilization together. You eventually may pass your time moving sliders to control those facets, but this could compare to micromanaging a game like old master of orion3, only more complex...So you'll have the choice of the level of management you want to personally play with, depending if you are in multiplayer or single mode; just answer some questions if you want.

To win you'll have to bring the 9 civilizations to reach another star but the natural pressure is against this success, not everybody is meant for the stars, or to live eternally... This negative pressure mainly comes from 6 sources; the way the universe (matter and life) works, the people's mentalities, historical indoctrination, your play mentality, limited resources and an external threat, in this case, monsters invasions. The game is usually like a role playing game with a party, but to repel these invasions you'll have to bring armies together and participate in fantastic battles in first person like the rest of the game, but with thousands of people (not players, there can't be more than 6 players in multiplayer) in high quality with incredible magic of all kind, guns, robots, etc. To win the final battle, you'd have to bring the cultural races together under just harmony and equilibrium laws; every cultural race would be a balance that need to touch each other to have sufficient power. But most would never reach this point since it is the actions of the players in the world that will dictate the future, you won't see the balancing effect, it's your choice from your old choices and pay the price if you made stupid decisions too long ago. Yet, you cumulate enough saves to have the possibility to modify things you think you did wrong some time ago without restarting the game; the worst of such retarded effects are mostly a few hour back, but there are exceptions, anyway, you will have strong hints that things are going well or wrong.

It was to be an introduction to another way of doing things, and to pull it off, I had to make the game very addictive and impressive, it had to be a fantastic work of art, bringing visual awe, it had to contain great work of powerful magic. It had to start simple and become slowly more complex to not overwhelm the players with the learning curve. They'd have to discover and develop transportation from horses to train, cars and planes, develop cities and civilizations from medieval to aeronautics, help develop computers, genetics and space technologies etc.

The players come from an approximate escape earth project that crash landed on the north pole of the planet, the vessel exploded in a rain of bits from appearing straight in heavy atmosphere, only a protection pod landed in snow while the vessel disintegrated to a rain of bits everywhere. The players will then have to learn the magic of the place while running after tech bits of their own past while the inhabitants of the planet collect these things too, so the players will be accelerators of technology on the planet by understanding what to do with all these pieces of stuff. You'll be the one to drive the first bogey, or make the first TV, it depend on what you recuperate and your ability to recreate the industries necessary to produce what is needed, like gas.

You understand that one of your priorities will have to own a big laboratory which you'll design yourself, then get it built. You'll have your employees working there continually and you can always build new ones or expand it. It is evident that you'll carry extraordinary equipment never seen there, like a MP3 player for a start, or a gun, and don't think you won't attract attention with your things... A lot of your stuff will be found whole, like guns, but someone else may find it before you and it may be a quest to get it back, even if the guy don't know what it is or only got a few boxes of ammo. Then, upon getting it, you can use it right away, but you may be better starting a research project on it to get ammo produced or to modify it, and you better help your "scientists" personally as your science value is worth a hundred of them.

So you will always be thorn between important things to do, having difficult decisions to take, and while you're beyond everybody in tech, you're an insignificant concerning the magic of the place which is based on a close coupled different atmospheric layers system; electricity is accessible and people transform it to many powerful uses easily, while you'll be in painful troubles dealing with it... Items have all kind of magic properties as matter and life is adjusted to manipulate and use it, yet, your abilities may become fantastic enough that you may be the one who will end-up capable of approaching the most powerful helmet of the game, which is lying on the ground somewhere with many skeleton around as a warning. And you'll never know what it does unless you take it...Yes, there are things you'll never be able to touch.

Everything would develop from your actions, and the emphasis on addictive pleasure and diversity would bring you to understand profound things about life without being directly "moralist". The game would be so big it would be impossible for two games to be the same and so long you'd need a year full time to play your variant.

This is only a crude description of my game, 2 page while I wrote maybe 100 before realizing it still could not carry my developing ideals. I split the game in two, stopped it at the start of space and modified the story to stash the player in a ball if I eventually wanted to make part two. Still, in this smaller form, it was too big for this reality; it would not help me bring it to completion, I'd only meet profit seekers who would tell me it could not be done under this form, then they'd hack it smaller and less complex in the name of fast profit, totally missing the point of the game and failing to understand that when something good can be done in theory, then if it must be tried and it must be done in its best way, if not, you fail the theory. Being able to do something is the contrary than not being able to do it, and yes my project could be done in theory, and I'm not that stiff.

Even then, I needed more size and complexity but I had already surpassed the capacity of this reality to produce it as a whole. Just think of the list of bugs, as scientists boast they're making lifelike AI... And the data processing architecture we have today is retarded because we do not seek any chance we have at better technology; we seek an ever increasing ladder of performance from old technology to gain maximum profit until the technology can't be exploited anymore or a competing one appears. Evidently this is not the case for everything, but the effect or retard can have a fantastically negative effect on civilization, stagnation, unneeded exploitation and pollution, particularly if it's a fundamental thing. Inventions are bought and controlled by the rich, and with them they have stolen humanity and separated it to a million pieces distributed to their like for exploitation. If the invention doesn't bring them enough profit, they will stash the knowledge for future advantages or cut the inventor's funding.

But at the time I could almost dream of this project because there was the multiplexing architecture hype which was supposedly extraordinary and ready to start making working computers; it was going to revolutionize computing they said on science T.V! At the time it had almost the equivalent wow effect of the nanocarbon revolution we are being sold as our extraordinary future that will grow cars like magic in 10 years and make us live in a wonderful paradise made of gold and jewels in 2030... The idea was to get most software and hardware programming (a working chip is a program) as a single software that could be written to, or erased from, a single hardware big memory chip along with any program you use; meaning that windows or a game or whatever become hardware until you want to replace it (like installing windows on your processor). No more stuttering or graphic options, no more loading, you power up and poof! You're in business.

This made a lot of sense to me and I still believe we are supposed to presently have it, this thing made sense! And the same for the more recent nanotech transistor that can give the same result, and this transistor is starting to be old too while nanotech is supposed to grow cars in 10 years. Probably the problem are unmovable pyramids, when the multiplexing technology was ready, if we had made a new computing architecture with it, then Intel, AMD, Nvidia, ati, all would be dead today, and far more, not good for an economy seeking to create eternal competing hegemonies... Only one of these industries is worth the biggest city in pollution, without talking about the exploitation of resources. All those happy competing industries and many more should be dead right now, the only thing left should be a more complex motherboard industry (HD and CD too); almost all computer hardware profitability industries of this world dead, something like 250 big industries and big businesses with their rich bosses and pyramidal structures and associated people, all shut down. It would crash down the Democracy-Capitalism business for years, job losses all over the place, the expensive kind, and lots of pointed expertise wasted. We'd need programmers replacing the industries instead, wow! Just think all the implications!

For 10 years I've not heard or read a single word about this, what happened? I don't know, maybe it was a bad idea but I don't think so; my guess is that the thing have been patented and a big corporation bought the patent for 100 million$, they stashed it and forgot about it, like when Quebeckers devised electric cars far before their time, or is it at the right time? The plans were stolen, maybe by a petroleum industry, or a electric company, and we never heard from the inventor again. But the strange thing is that now an Ontario company, ford (and petroleum's), saved by the Canadian government (her majesty), that has always been biased against electric cars, is going to become the leader on the matter, they say...

There is a ton of inventions and books in situations like that, because in their good form or time, they stops an exploitation, a profit pyramid, or it is final technology for many years; meaning they'd produce the thing and either stop production for years, or sell it at an extraordinary price whatever it is cheap to produce, in part because this is the way the market work, and in part because they'd probably have to shut down their factories for cycles of 10 or more years making no profit; don't forget that the stepping of processing power we are condemned to is meant to keep these factories running 24/24 whatever the tremendous pollution and exploitation, of rare resources at it, all in the name of making extraordinary unfairly rich people we encourage to be with all our working hard strength. But to me those are evil people, whatever the money they use for their image, and I'm not talking about what they hide. And don't think competition is a good thing, competition limits to permit self-existence in lots of instances, or it forces entities to compete on the same ground on many other, and worse in a lot of other scenarios; the competition philosophy, added to the ego emphasis and pressure selection effect, may end-up as the most costly mistake we made, even if there can be some good to it, as is the case with most principles. But competition is intrinsic to this system, it permits the actual system to work, so to reduce competition at the adequate level you'll need a different system.

But that's not all, my project would logically require a poor me as the boss, not a money stasher and controller (be it an individual or an institution). This reality will refuse to give such power to a non ego person not seeking profit without heavy "supervision", and the pressure would be proportional to the amount invested. At best, they'd let me hack it to 10 sequels, completely destroying the spirit and learning goal of it. After proving I can bring profits from the first part, I would be able to work on the second part and so on. The only solution is that I become part of this reality and ego enough to have the millions necessary to do it all myself; I prefer dying than lowering myself to this. This leaves the lotto and secret books saying everybody can be rich like Feline. Even then, once the game would start showing its potential, whatever I had the money and technology, nothing would stop godly governmental controlling gangs from putting their nose in my things while singing democracy and freedom.

So I forgot about it, no classic project that can't last over 3 years for me, and no waiting for monopolistic windows amphora, direct x 36, quintupled pyramidal processors and whatever. Understanding this depressed me a lot, and it contributed in my decision to ask my love to stop her dealings with the democracy-capitalism business, and she did! Even if it was not an order (she worked at a gadget store, and her money was her money, she would never have accepted it any other way anyway, she even had a locker and a big chest and I had no problem with that).

It came to be that her brother died in a car accident for Christmas. After going through a rain of crying and masses upon masses, I could not take it anymore; I should have known I was looking for troubles when I accompanied her in this religious death procession, I was already having trouble accepting she was a Christian, I was constantly nagging her about it. So I choose the worst possible moment to indirectly insult her, but I never understood what went through my mind for it to go nuts against her religion in front of her whole family in pain. No sir, there are things you can't do. But I understood right there my mistake, like suddenly realizing some terrible monster escaped your control, woops! too late. I could not stay anymore so I took my things and I was gone in a snowstorm, always a snowstorm, knowing very well I had lost my love.

Strange how such a verbal expression against a religion can destroy love totally, one thing's for sure, I would regret this day for a long time even if we both knew our love was not meant to last in this reality. We didn't know the form our end would take and there you go; religion, whatever the name or the form, all those who profit from spirituality for any kind of profits, and this can take the form of diverting back the revolt energy in the pockets of the exact same attitude that lead to such frustrations in the first place.

As for my love, even if I won't dump my responsibility and our separation could have taken a different form, religions would have been a problem to the end. She gave me tons of confidence and I lost it all there; she was in a painful situation and I worsened it, and this still pains me to this day because I truly loved her, I didn't have to ask myself if it was love, I knew, I lived. This is why I have to say not to trust everything I write, if I could have this lack of judgment I can still have it, and this can be dangerous with my ideals and projects. I could say I don't care for most, but I can't put everybody in the same bag, there are fantastic people and losing them or sending them in the wrong direction because they believed in me can affect "me" a very long time. So I write this in part for you, I want more of you around not less, as for the people already lost in PMBBD, I say they are an army on the wrong side; when you become dependent of a screen and lose it for too long you'll take the side of the one who can bring it back to you, this is the way of dependences, it can be sex attitudes, it can be drugs, religions, whatever.

I saw her a few times after that fateful day, I could have made excuses, for my lack of patience, empathy, understanding and more, but I was never able to, excuses are not my strong and I have this way of thinking that when you lacked respect too much, there is nothing that will truly repair things; I want my love fully, I refuse to feel diminished. Furthermore, as strange as it will seem, I came to believe I had chosen truth at the time, and my love had chosen PMBBD. Maybe the moment was the worst one to choose, but I saw that moment like a provocation, and to choose truth I lost my love, if she had chosen truth too, she'd have come back to me by herself; so either she didn't love me that much or her religion was more important to her to the point that our bit of history could become worthless, and if she was ready to quit her job if I asked her, her religion was more important than our love, maybe because it saved her life at some point, gave her back some hope but still. Maybe I'm self-justifying, I don't know, but our relation would have ended one way or another anyway. I'll talk more about her in the "Love Entanglement" chapter (book), I'll just add that I regret losing her as I understood how true love is a good and exceptional thing, to the point that it would take me years to get interested in women again, but then I would be a very different man.

My reaction to losing her was entirely mental, I didn't punch a wall, I didn't get drunk, I didn't fuck around, instead I threw myself into an incredibly long and heavy metallization (mistake) of this reality, going through all kind of crazy metal states (joke), I hit the bottom of introspection and my voice changed forever to heavy bass. But I had already started all that with her so it was only the logical continuation of my life. I was still far more innocent of the ways of things, of this reality, of life as seen by it, than a vast majority of the people composing it; I was still a baby beside their ways, I knew this and I consciously decided to keep as much of this innocence versus the mentality of this reality as I could find the consciousness to explore without interacting with it if not necessary. I saw life as loss of innocence, vast as a ship on an infinite ocean, (contrary to knowledge which is more finite).

Finally, with time, I came to fear that she had been manipulated to use religion as a shield for some other people. In this ugly theory, I'm supposed to be a poor bum having it hard in a village in the far north, maybe a farmer or a bum dreaming of richness, never understanding a word of English. Then one day rich people debark and hurray! I'm rich and I behave because I don't understand a word they're saying! Or religious people debark and hurray! I make the glory of the church as I behave! But that didn't happen, I decided my place was in a city, where I got a sort of education. Then I meet a super cute girl looking like the "picture" of Adam and Eve, same age as me, born a 24 June, me a 24 December, and with my Jesus looks that's just too perfect! But in my spirituality there shouldn't be a special day where Jesuses are born, it can happen any day of the year, and the seat is available to anybody. So maybe she's a spy sent by some rich people, or an "Eve" manipulated by religion, and the guy doing hairdo may have a part in it. But all along she does her job of putting the emphasis on religion as the source of our problems, she's into religion, I don't like it, I'm the antichrist, it's all a matter of religions, but maybe she doesn't even believe in god (s) seriously, even as her brother dies changing radio station as he got hit by a truck...for Christmas... All that doesn't get me religious, it even causes our separation, so I'm back alone and I learn English better as I write a book about changing the world and now I believe in gods! Now the rich think I'll run to Christianity so they plant a big cross in front of my parent's home! But that may be because my mother went to the confessional, or they found regrets in their archives, coincidence. But they do all kind of weird things looking like god's interventions, seriously, and if my mother never hurt a child, then they got a secret weapon; old demonology style insane perversion perpetrated on me as a young baby; as I grow older I get Jesus pains like arthritis and burnings and needle plantings, I dream of the painting of Adam and Eve, and there are very disturbing dreams I wouldn't dare talk about. All those have strictly nothing to do with the fantastic, even fantasy dreams I usually make, I see them as impostor dreams, some are even images repeated 3 times in a row that I consider as the minimum measure of brainwash... Then there is the fact that I remember a lot of weird people coming at home when I was very young, and I remember my grandma that liked very much singing religious canteens when I passed a week at her place every summer, and there was this English family, and other weird things I remember...Then there is this story that they had put my mother to sleep and get me out with forceps, a big baby with a few healing wounds and head injuries (my head is all bossy...), so what if I'm not born a 24 December after all? Just coincidence used to reinforce the belief that all the weird I'll go through in my life is because I'm a Jesus guy? Maybe the big baby was already one month old, the umbilical cord was cut longer, then recut, you can do a lot of horrors to a baby within a month, and those people coming at home may have had nothing to do with religion, they may have been rich impostors continuing the job, going to the extent of telling my mother that I'm bad seed and to be hard with me if I give her troubles, I don't know, but at least I thought about it, and I'm harder to manipulate for it, nia nia!

So if I start believing in god, which is kind of a natural with my messed-up life, I'll go back to my old religious girlfriend for sure. But that doesn't work because my vision of star beings is not compatible with religious view of gods. Furthermore, I see religions as a tool to pacify, and as a coat used to divert responsibility away from the rich too. I fear to fall in a situation where a bunch of people will be able to profit from me or my work. And my work is not only about a new vision of star beings, but it's about a new reality where the most rewarded mentalities or attitudes are very different. So I never seek the girl back because I'm scared she's a tool, and there are more justifications. Worse, I take the only path I should not have taken, where the whole reality ends up inadequate to me. So, after so much cheating and manipulations, and I'm skipping the baby mental and physical torture possibility, the rich are in face of the ugliest situation, that of a poor bum that has been removed from almost everything, not even the phone or internet or TV, or friends or love or comfort, versus the whole world. And it's not even my goal! I like people, I like life, I like the planet, I'm a fucking innocent that just writes his view of gods, his opinion of the world and in what reality he would like to be living, while standing for what he believes should be his most basic rights. And I end-up in the streets, and I wouldn't be surprised if those cheating manipulators with millions in their pockets and a world of intelligence at their disposal are left with the sole option of assassinating the poor bum that passes his time working for free for the advancement of life, even giving his work. Am I an evil person? This is ridiculous, insulting, pathetic, the ultimate deception, the failure, it is a shame on humanity and everything good stands for!

But that's just a paranoid possibility, seriously, it's just that I have a thing with manipulation, and the price is that I hurt a lot. Everybody may be allright, everything my fault they'll all say, all psycho stuff to make my life more interesting, but I'll still follow a path through it that will make me proud. And if I'm just the son of gods having a reincarnation bout then I don't know what to say, almost everybody has been a deception in my life, maybe gods will be too, did I piss somebody off? I don't know, I don't remember, but I'm sorry. I'm on vacation? I don't like it! I'm just a human? Looks like it. As for the girl, I still want to believe she didn't lie to me right from the start, but she doesn't have to be a saint to get my understanding for sure, but there are limits, and for now there are too many black flies buzzing around me to risk seeking her, and last time I saw her she was in love with someone else, and that's a long time ago so I know how to ignore her, it's just that I don't fall in love much these days...

25. I was entering the supposedly best part of my life. Even if I could look at things differently, something else was taking possession of me and, and after some time, started giving positive feedback; calling it the forces of consciousness would be appropriate. I gave myself enough personal value through good old justification, among other things, to always have the strength to keep on believing I'm doing what I should do; the right thing, and seeking to act in the best manner appropriate to keep my sanity. Each observation, justifications, arguments, they become boosts, they become drugs, the deductions I make, the associations I find from one or the other give me added, and when I'm good, cumulative power, as I get nudged toward my "destiny". Understanding the fatality of life gave inexorable momentum, the problem is that a release must come. You can't add or redirect pressure to specific actions or areas forever without busting something or overcompensating, and this can lead to dramatic loss of value through negative overcompensation, but it is proportional to consciousness and the uses made of it. But I'll still need all the encouragements a lone man can find, particularly considering the needed standards for my quest, so don't go nust if I invent myself a few fantastic stories along the way; they help me, and I like to look at things through many point of view, spirituality, philosophy, even trough the imagination of another possible reality...

It was a lot simpler in my head at the time, I was still young, never knew fat, I was in super shape physically, far from ugly, very attractive, my manual skills were incredible and I had an excellent memory and imagination. I still felt right in my mind enough to believe I had the potential to do anything I wanted, I could be a Hollywood superstar, I had the look and could find the skills to command armies, I could have develop a voice to shake this earth if I wanted, I saw beyond façades, I had enough plans for all kind of things and imagination to be a great inventor, I had absolutely fantastic reflexes, my hearing was extraordinary to the point that even invisible stuff was not beyond me (I can even make my hears flap, really, it's like a facelift feature, or it could develop into wings, I don't know, but you don't do this to unsuspecting people...At least there's a way to separate the true me from the doubles who wouldn't tread very well within my work.) Women were freezing on the walkway to look at me, I could take any of them if I wanted and I was a threat to destroy for men; they wanted my image, my possible future. I had it all, I was a god in this reality if that's what I wanted, I was ready to explode so powerful I felt, I had the world at my fingertips, a world that revolted me forever more...

What did I decide to do for the next 10 years? Nothing. Justify my growing revolt, I would make not act upon this reality, I would canalize a maximum if I am to canalize, think and judge my own way, work my own version of losing innocence, in other words; thinking before acting pushed to the maximum. Why would I do such a thing? Why, because I'm dangerous, I can do anything and I'm angry! So let's do what is in theory possible but impossible in the global mentality of this reality; imprison myself as a young man and spit on godly psy and their predictions and knowledge of what happens to people doing things like that. I will listen to, follow and understand any revolt or frustration or hate I have and justify it.

I will flush friends if I have to, and I will prove I don't need psy even if I should be among the most sick in their view of mentality. I will explain them where the problem of most of their patients comes from, the ways of the reality, and that they are not much better than priests. In a sense they're the priests of the Capitalism-Democracy business (maybe why most businesses got a psy) and like them they are directly responsible for as much if not more problems than they evidently heal in this reality, far more and far worse than what is evident by the image they project and the surface results they implant in their weakened patients ready to believe anything, forget or pardon anything, take any pills or develop any dependence for a stop to their difficulties. The ways to tolerance, adaptation and acceptation are many, and the same for selling people a twisted consciousness.

My ego will consist of having a place to sleep, some computer games to not go crazy and food. Anything not logical coming into conflict with my conclusions will be banished from my life whatever these conclusions seem shaky or not, the only path I'll follow is the non-conflicting one; harmonic philosophy and spirituality will be my goal until I develop a philosophy and spirituality of living principles without conflicting meanings. When I will come out of it, I will still be in shape, not ugly either, I will say what I have to say however crazy it may sound, and then maybe, if the reality end up not too dirty by my bad opinion of it, open myself anew to it and try to give my ego some wellbeing.

Am I up to it? I will be 35, 25 to 35, quite a jump, I won't be the same man that's for sure, I will have nothing, not even the beginning of a life, I will be a failure, with the reputation of someone that profit from the system, I'll probably be bizarre too...But I'll go through it all and come back kicking, too much whipping gives such a result sometimes... I'll break the nose of this reality with nothing, no help, without a television or internet full of sex and PMBBD, without socialization with the uninhibited, extrovert and unconscious ego throngs who are blindly contributing to this reality. I won't contribute to something I can't understand so I'll hack my way through this hell and I'll win while still being a nice young man dreaming of love.

I think I'm powerful enough to do that, since I can do anything, that I have it all, that I'm so superior, I'll try it! You want to? Take these 10 years from 25 to 35 and use them to do nothing (specific, as top healthy, and after 35 things are meant to degenerate if the same situation persists, you can't live a whole life like that, so to me my shift ended at 35, the year I published, the rest should have been opening myself to reality anew while adding to my work and modifying my opinions, but this reality decided I wouldn't get away with it alive, so I guess I'll have to fight to the end of my life as some kind of sacrifice, and I'll do, just to further piss on the head of a reality that is not only cheating all over the place, but that is a sore loser at it...). Do it and communicate your experience, what you learned, what you think. And stay healthy, don't become ugly since you may have another life to start once you're done, or you may want to go back socializing and having fun, are you up to it? 10 years by yourself building your opinion, and it's all you'll have when you'll be finished. For people around you, you'll not only be a total failure, you'll have lost all respect, all credibility, and all value, and you know what? You'll hate the reality more for it, so you better not do it, it's a mental trap...and you're supposed to be understanding and comprehensive... Crazy eh! Why would anybody want to do that anyway? Because there may be something to be discovered going this path that can only be taken by people like you; if nobody has what it takes to explore this path then humanity may miss something for the rest of its history. There are many such explorations we have not done; in an ocean of possibilities, these possibilities we discard or don't explore or select out, define what we are, and what we will become, as much as these possibilities we develop with all our strength.

So you'll have to start introspection in a highly self-limited of external influences environment (never put yourself in a situation where you are totally oblivious to the reality, like a seclusion in woods, you must be in an environment where you can observe and judge reality with adequate tools, if the reality (those who took the position and means to make laws) removes this possibility from people then it is entirely responsible for any of their wrongdoings, any. The same for being cheated of any fundamental rights appropriate to form an adequate opinion of reality). But you cannot stop at introspection, as you'll risk developing an ego that won't resist this reality for long; you have to slowly carry on your developing independent thinking to some effect on the world. In reality, this simplification will all look intermixed, but over a period of 7 years you'll notice your mentality slowly switching from inside to outside instead of the contrary happening in this reality. All this development you do to yourself, however in deepness and totality you do it, is supposed to help life in a positive way; you're supposed to end up as having a positive effect in the history of life, or at least not a negative one. That's because you are the extrapolation of all of it; you are the part that morph reality to help life. Logically, I didn't see things entirely that way when I started; I did it out of frustration, as a faraway vague goal, and I slowly developed a philosophy permitting me to continue.

Still want to take this quest? Nobody have what it takes to do it and they'll be very jealous of someone in top shape who dumps it all to do nothing with his most energetic years. But doing nothing may get your energy flowing somewhere unexpected. Everybody will grab at you, tell you or give you the example of what is best to do with your life. They are good people who want to stop you from becoming suicidal, crazy, a killer, a rapist, a fat ass or whatever else you're supposed to become without help. But from now on you're an adult and you're supposed to be able to judge things by yourself. So put all of this babbling input into suspension and judge what you already have and know, find the truth, the manipulation and bullshit, the why, the how, the because, the possibilities, you'll do it on surface and profoundly, backward and forward inside, over and out, out flipped back under, and then you'll draw your own conclusions.

Still motivated? Well, time goes on fast while reading and this will be your first and biggest hurdle; time. Think how time will pass for you, lazy man that profit from the system, acknowledge the weight of time and people around you now. As time passes you'll become alien to this world and any little interactions you'll get from people will become a catalyst of whatever the situation invokes of feelings; you'll exaggerate and dramatize a lot. Will you let your emotions affect your judgment? And how do you know where to draw the line? Aren't emotions important to form judgment? Time will disappear and lose all meaning, did you dump time? Try it for some time...You'll think for days of that girl you didn't talk to, and an insult will get you on a mental warpath that you can't stop because it's going to be the new stuff in your life.

I may be exaggerating a little but that's the spirit, you'll see the world change around you to reflect your new status. Everything can be different from the ways of your personality, but be prepared to see the worst bums trying to act superior, or worse, spot you as a friend. Over a period of 5 years, you've run down the patience of everybody around you and, as you don't seem to want to get any better or get a job, you'll become worse than nothing for everybody and you won't even want to befriend those who will want to know you. You'll detect your "friends" building their ego on you, and the more money they'll make the more twisted their wisdom; you'll have all the mental sicknesses psy invented, you'll get the worst possible reputation for the fun of it; you'll be a deception.

The only people who will really try to be your friend are those who know your problem, who spotted you long ago; while waiting for the bus one will tell you all about his experience with prostitutes (escorts), how they thrive in "love", how he was like you before, how he's supposed to be an example, how you need his help; put on a smile and tell him 36 times "yeah" hoping he got the brains to understand you're no conversation, but no, he aint, so while keeping your bloody imagination to yourself you'll have to insult him away. Homosexuals will do the same, you are a member now, you just don't know it... You'll meet a panoply of such exemplary or knowledgeable "characters" who wants to be your friend or show you their vision of "life" or "love", with drug dealers who, instead of talking prostitutes, will ramble on over the buzz of this or that pill and again they are all an example to follow and it's so "evil"...

You know you're past all that, but it is still painful to be lower than anybody in reality. If someone around gets stolen, it will be you. If you pass near a school, the police will watch you, not the pusher around the corner, they'd have to get out of their car to see him. But you fight, and you must do it without using violence of any kind, and you're supposed to survive without handicaps if you're so good. You may grow your hairs to give the world the honor finger, but some older people will think you're Christ reincarnate or the antichrist, but at the least, they won't tug at you for a benediction...

As for women, you'll attract them, they'll be very curious about you, but they'll be scared to talk to you because they pass too much time with jealous morons having important things to prove between their legs... almost a dependence, and those may make of you their special negative center of interest, you'll understand when they fall on you with their friends, and they "love" long hairs, they just can't skip grabbing at them...Will you kill someone? Better not, because things may get better...Crunch everything in your head without using violence; if you can go over anything with your mind, eliminating violence to nothingness through understanding logic and argumentation, then you're on the right track, whatever your conclusions, and these can be full of frustration or hate. It's my opinion.

Take soft dependences in predicable controlled moderation as your minimal ego feeding, like coffee, cigarettes, beer, games, hot chocolate, even pot. All those can help concentration too, to some extent. The exception is pot, if you already lost sense of time, pot will increase this effect, and pot in moderation used in the right environment can be a good drug of the mind; if you got loads of time, it can totally change your perspective on things. It would be a wonder for a civilization living in an ideal reality and having nothing to do except create, but it may be better used on-off in small quantity, off reality at it, to show its positive. For you that passes his time judging and thinking, it is almost a necessity, but you need the money, you need the contact, and growing it yourself will bring you too much trouble from people babbling around, an unacceptable risk to your sanity, or you could even end-up imprisoned! There's bigger adult here anyway, listen to authority! Now, to last, you may be better getting an animal, but like it and take care of your choice, at least an animal won't try to fill your mind with bullshit, and you'll learn a lot from it.

You got to continue experiencing reality in some quantity too, read a rare newspaper, watch some rare television, read a rare book, have a rare friend, quickly go through some science or beauty, or health or computer or whatever magazines too; there's a lot of bullshit and pub to decorticate, and there's good information too. All this is used to feed your mind momentum and survive time because, one way or another, if you got nothing to do, time will test your mind which controls your body. Once your mind have processed all what you cumulated from the past (it can take the whole rest of your life if you start after 40) turning it over and out, you can feed it more new data, something like that, there is a limit to what we can take before losing elasticity, optimizing and acting capacity, and too much too early or to late is no better than not enough.

Now you can last a week, then another, then a month, past St Valentine is hard, Halloween is worse, Christmas is really hard if you are truly alone but New Year is the worst for me. Then you can somewhat hibernate and wake up for summer to realize how stupid you are wasting your life because someone challenged your quality. The trick here is that you're not supposed to do it because someone told you; it must come from you, as rare as this, it's like a quantum mechanics law...You may continue the exploration but you'll miss a vast amount of experience and value compared to the one who jumped in the dark without a map, it's like a law of destiny...

So, every month brings its set of challenges, when you experience them slowly you see all the differences in them. I'm almost sure I could know what month I'm in from smell only, snow is different from one month to the next, light, life, wind, everything is different, there are twelve of these very different times in a year, they are like the dwelling places of different worlds with all kind of specificities, you must cross these lands careful not to get carried away...And that's what will get the most motivated; the coming back of these big slabs of time we call seasons, their predictability, their significance to you, again and again, there is a feeling of infinity and death at the same time always nagging you while you get older and always changing your thinking.

With time you'll find out how much true independent thinking, without compromises, is influenced by emotions and feelings; will you be able to communicate your conclusions along with your personal feelings and emotions among others things? Nothing is scientific methodology in what you do, so, in the eyes of science, how will you defend yourself? Attack it! Life is feelings, life is emotions, a big part of your thinking is dictated by these, if science can't understand that all what life developed started as emotions and feelings, then to hell with it! The return you get from these truths, bullshit or deductions you find will be emotions and feelings, maybe life even see it as a communication way with you...

Now, as you got to stay in shape, you'll have your physical energy exploding through these emotions and feelings and before you begin to have somewhat of an understanding of them, and therefore can better control them, you'll only have the shutting down of your mouth to prevent this torrential storm from spilling out for disrespect. The bundle of these excommunicated emotions will want to be tested through someone else, and it could make you unpredictable, a dramatizer, a scary or a bizarre. So shut up and you had better be right when you said you had it all, if not, you'll go off the wall and meet an ugly end in front of a psy!

You're getting in the thick of it; you'll live through a complexification of everything as many new, profound, even alien notions will come kick your bucket. That comes from the stability of your developing opinions that are starting to become accepted in your mind and in your attitude, you're blurring the line between the external brainwash and a new one you're creating. Yet, all that is just me, your way of reacting or going through it may be very different, but you'll have to deal with the new 15 years old person developing in your 30 years old one, you'll start finding what you can or can't do, your limits, good and evil.

You are entering an era of control and canalization of energy, you'll order and prioritize, you'll start forming a global idea and you'll structure yourself at the same time your horizons go 3D. You have wings now, you lost hold of reality, you fly and don't know what is normal to do or say anymore, reality has lost hold on you and it is you that must now control yourself while staying adaptable and functional. It takes a lot of time to touch the sky, but you can go way beyond that, in outer space if you want, even beyond that...But someday you'll have to come back home to see what will come out of it all, particularly if there is something crazy you're sure is worth talking about. Self-control is the key to coming back, I hope you started with tons of introspection; know your plane before flying it...But you may continue to glide or make perilous maneuvers for as long as you want, if you can, but at this point some people would be incapacitated for life, some would be ready for the hospice or suicide, others would pass their days flying until they die, and still others would find peace and a semblant of wisdom to distribute. This many years alone as an adult is a good test of one's sanity, try it! I bet you're scared.

If you want to say something unusual, you'll have to make sense or nobody will want to truly listen to you; and the less sense you make, the more painful it will be. But you're getting very good at controlling or canalizing your emotions so your bucket won't get as reactive. You may try playing the insensitive though, but you are actually the most sensitive around. You may think their opinion have no importance, that you don't care and they can all go to hell, but you're lying to yourself; you'll think about it more than anybody and you'll make it big, whatever the detour you use.

Now, if you can't make sense talking, then write or abandon altogether and go back full reality, it can be easy, only a few months away, but you'll probably need the help of a psy, but you can continue fermenting the whole if you got what it takes. Put it into writings, it will be bizarre at first, as your "negative" emotions and feelings will mix with everything, you may even go totally overboard psychotic from outer space (it may be necessary to go through such a state to really shine, I mean you would have to write a psychotic kind of book at 30 to reflect a big battle within big lands within yourself; the bigger the hidden emotion and the younger the person, the more psychotic the start of the battle I could say...) It will get better with time, less ugly; you'll readjust, compensate, you will tell your thinking the way you like it, the power in your bucket will find its place, you'll discover how you are changing a lot as the years pass, you'll spot many things you'll be proud not to have expressed verbally and now you'll want all this to come to a conclusion. If you're good enough, you may enjoy the whole experience, but it must stay under that optic for you. Everything in life is experience, but there's limited experience to gain from anything as there's limited enjoyment to gain from it too.

So, are you still motivated? It may be very different for you, but it was just a tentative to make you understand for what you traded the good stuff you'll concentrate on believing you'll find in this reality, with some success. Having a good idea of what the challenge and experience would have been when I was 25, I'm not sure I would repeat for anything in the world, maybe except for a different reality... So, how do you do it? By being an innocent mentalizing a simple looking far away goal which is in fact a life englobing and incarnating one, like saying you'll think for 10 years and write about it; it's bigger than any new year wishes, but if you have the capacity you may end-up falling in your own trap; it's like you stumbled on an activity that is in harmony with your destiny. But never do that your whole life, not as incarcerated, not without communication, not imposed. Any of this will lead to a direct war, emotive violence and probably suicide, it must be done by yourself as a free mind within a free body.

Next, a vast majority of the difficulties of life are taken on a day to day basis, not knowing that tomorrow will be no better than today. This whole reality have been built on this principles, closing your mind to tomorrow until a satisfying moment is not too far ahead in time (like a good weekend in some instances or a dependence satisfaction in others, and some only need to glimpse at those on television...). All through their lives most people believe their future will get better which rarely happens, so they blow the ordinary sunny day with so much hype it is extraordinary. Consciously knowing and understanding without dependences and manipulation that their whole life would be a working hard struggle with hardly social assistance worth for their old days for around 60% of people, most would hardly want to live it or they would abandon this reality or fight it or try to change it. But you don't know, you're young, you dream of the PMBBD and hype the reality projects, and once you have the capacity to know, you are already deep in it and can't turn around or rewind. The same thing happened to me, I slowly got entangled in my encompassing vision, and the more I advanced in it, the more I was waging mental war to this reality and defending the way I had chosen to reach it.

Or you could see it as the transformation of my view from being an innocent to protecting facets of my innocence, like a side of me that I want to keep that way by setting the rights of my mental space. But I still must take my responsibility as a human, let's see how that works... It shouldn't, I tell you, it's a trap and you die in fact, except if you got what it takes, and I would absolutely not call that perfection, it's more like a fantastic amalgam of coincidences, and I decided to give it a shot, I just coincidentally happened to be a fervent amateur of games too, so why should I waste my time with people I already understand more than most? Let my feelings do the job, less complicated, let my heart move with them, that will be my intelligence. But I'll be a spy, and my boss will be life, women? I'll try to get one as I advance, always been open, then despair, as poverty and wrong neighborhood settles in. So the innocence coat is not something I put on or remove when I want, and it is not meant to hide my failings, it is a life philosophy thing, it's a side of myself I decided to keep this way in the name of sanity, or as I think about things. Or your reality is a counterproductive waste of my time if you want it more clearly, but I still need to reveal and judge you, I have that right in my mind. I put it on when I decided to dump this reality and its people, then started flying...Or I let the beast roam free and transform my mind. Whatever, or you could say the power of innocence is revelation, and I'm the revelation of this power. But things may be different for the selection if the view of their importance is skewed just doing their job, to hide the confusion, but just right now decomposing the intricacies and evils of what form the mindset of today's ego innocence and the way it is used, well, you'll have the general idea by bits, and I sure have scores to settle, there may be a few inappropriate generalizations and exaggerations, the elasticity of your innocence should take it, unless you're still baby style innocent...And life, well, so simple as my only responsibility, it just happened to completely overwhelm me; Oh wow! A fresh and free adult in great health and with super manual skills, and brain, brains! That truly doesn't take no shit from nobody? Doing nothing except killing evil for fun? Sounds like a nice place to settle in...so what can I say? I'm innocent? I'm possessed?

TO DIE

I died a few times or so, kind of, before deciding that dying was not a good expertise to have in one's life. Yet, everybody should carry the recipe, just in case... (Some black humorist). You got a few conscious options to die, but the ultimate goal is to stop all movements from your body. Simple isn't it? Just get hit by a truck and you won't move anymore! But that's the easy and lazy way to do it and it's permanent, you don't want the "permanent" part, unless you do? What if you're in a cage and want to die? Then hold your breath and you'll eventually die, and don't laugh, I'm sure it can be done, but my preference is for a simulation of emptiness. First you'll need excellent reasons to die and be motivated to do it, thus creating a strong and sustainable depressive effect that will go toward a successful death. If you're happy or if you want to do it for fun, or even a "quick decision", it will not work as your unconscious motivation to live will stop you long before reaching death.

Now that you're spread out, eliminate one by one every movement of your body; no itching, no moving, no tension. Continue for a while, find a no movement and no effort solution for everything; your eyes are moving? It's a sign you're not dead, so fix a point and don't blink (it takes many hours for dry eyes to cause problem, you'll have time to die before it happens), you can close them if you want but you'll have to keep them closed without shaking your lashes, which will be harder than fixing a point, unless you're sleepy but trying to die while being sleepy will just make you fall asleep. You think doing the above is hard? Next you'll have to stop your breathing and your heart while closing your brain... But for now you feel like floating in your stasis position; you don't feel your weight anymore, you feel like you're separating from your body.

This effect may be gotten while experiencing "Transcendental travels" too. I see those as unconscious warning of impeding possible death enabled by the dreaming process (in my opinion). Ignoring this warning should bring you death since it may be the final step of truly dying; meaning you went through the dying process without experiencing it consciously. I did quite a few of those but I didn't go very far; voyaging from imagination or dreaming is a lot more interesting... To force them consciously, you'd probably have to do the above (feel separating from your body) while falling asleep while dreaming; all that may have to coincide in a single point. That means you'd have to manipulate your sleep by sleeping a small amount at a time until you're fairly sure your next sleep will bring you immediate dreams, and while you're tired, you must feel like separating from your body by doing the above. Then, if you memorized your surroundings very well as far as you can and got a good imagination, you may make an interesting trip but still a poor one compared to reality. I wouldn't float very far from your body if I were you; death awaits...I think transcendental travels exist as an unconscious warning to wake up (even if some people want to believe in all kind of funky things about it, thus probably came the esoteric name...). Evidently, that's just a guess, I never tried it consciously and I may be wrong in what to do to experience one. Back to full consciousness dying now.

Now that you feel so light, it's time to control your breath and your heart. Always get air in normally but expel it slower and slower passing a longer and longer time at the natural end of your expelling. Slow it down over a period of around half an hour. You'll feel your heart pounding harder and harder, it is half-truth and half an illusion, but it will beat slower and slower. But don't think about your heart because you'll panic and have to start all over. Concentrate on something difficult while slowing your breath, each one must feel like the last one, and that's how you'll shut down your mind that's always trying to bring you back to full activity; by controlling your breath until you take the last one while still floating. Doing that I succeeded at believing I could go to the full extent of dying but didn't because I got scared, I don't want to take the risk anymore, anyway it is probably useless to even try in my current state, since, as I already said, there is a state of mind that must come with it, if not you'll never be able to control your breathing. In fact, if you got the right state of mind, you won't even (almost), think about controlling your breath, it will come naturally.

Death is emptiness; did you ever crash on your bed out of exhaustion saying "I'm dead", without moving a single thing for what looks like eternity? It's exactly the right attitude you need to die, except you must feel so empty and dead that even your breath is an intruder to your emptiness. You must not do it for whatever else reasons except an overwhelming will to die, like a final depression, and believe it or not, it will come naturally, without my recipe, and it's exactly what happened the last time I did it unconsciously out of many negative feelings. I don't know if my heart stopped totally or the breathing for that matter, all I know is that I started seeing a black and white distorted square array, and I plunged through it. Then I saw the light intensifying like I was accelerating through stars; never had a rewind of my life though. I have no control of anything while that happens and eventually I'm bathing in total whiteness feeling absolutely wonderful and gaining back some simple consciousness; I can take notice of how incredibly great the feeling of peace is, ecstasy, like the contrary feeling from which you started dying existed from nothing. I can feel I'm kind of waiting in suspension, but mostly I pass my time asking myself if I can stay a little longer in this wellbeing before breathing again. Everything becomes this big question; do I take a breath or not? Then I do it, I take a big shot of air and automatically wake up like I was sleeping out of breath. It may seems easy to come back but it's absolutely not; you can easily pass too much time in the light, not deciding, and truly end up dead, and I guess that the consciousness choice of coming back is far from being available to everybody, or you can easily make a heart attack trying to die or coming back.

I was around 10 the first time it happened, and it hapenned a few more times until I was around 15. The last time I was around 22 and I did it somewhat willfully, and that's how I remember doing it. As I think of it, I haven't been doing neither transcendental voyages nor unconscious death for a long time, the timing seems to coincide quite well with the development of my monster spasm problem I talked about in the first chapter, in fact, I think it fits perfectly well since my last girlfriend once told me I actually stopped breathing for a minute before switching to profound breathing when I fell asleep, so maybe I developed a kind of fail safe and when I pass too much time without breathing then I get the stupendous spasm. Maybe my heart even stops and that's why the spasm is so strong, like the machine to revive people under cardiac arrest. I just hope my batteries won't fade with time, for now, I'm gonna get a HD magnet to look at something...The darn magnet sticks to my chest! Just joking...

I tried suicide too, I was 12 at the time, but I failed. Maybe I didn't really want but my strategy still had elements of true motivation. And don't find someone to blame, I'll do, I passed my adolescence revolted without the ability to express it, all I did was a personal challenge, not many things I liked apart science, wild life, the forest, and even that was a chore because of all the rest I didn't like. I saw this reality as a waste from the beginning; I was living in a dump, or was it how I envisioned its future? I don't know, but the only thing that made me skip acting as such was that I wanted to make an effort for my parents; I thought I gave them real troubles, I tried to listen to them at the same time I was hating them, I believed everybody was wrong, only me was right, but I had to do my shift while deducting my true enemies, and they ended up as everybody, particularly religions and people making speeches that didn't make sense. The church was a real trauma for me ever times I went there, as not only I hated the speeches, but masses of people kneeling and standing and praying in harmony to the ridiculous speeches freaked me out, and being forced to do it myself was like hell on earth. I hated it so much I twisted everything they said to stupidity, and I knew my contortions by heart, and going to the confessional was such a joke to me that I didn't even think I made crimes, whatever the punitions. I was not beyond lying though, who said I should be a saint as a kid? I was sufficiently good to fool my mother, sometimes, being a good liar is a prerequisite in hell, to skip a punition... And it didn't even felt like me, it felt like I was someone else, like I was developing 2 personalities, and they were at the extreme of innocence, I was always a flabbergasted innocent, while a bit later, I felt like I was the less innocent of all.

As for my parents, I would reject them for some time, then defend them for some time, then make special efforts as an older adult to justify them. I really tried to get along, but after too much pardon, after gaining the proofs that my mother was faking her appreciation of me, that she told all kind of lies behind my back, even as I got older, then I decided it was enough and flushed all family forever, all those who have been in contact with my mother. My parents didn't kill me, or dump me, good, but I should have dumped my mother as soon as I got out of there, and my father too, for failing to have an influence in her decisions, for doing everything she ever asked of him, for never taking my defense. The problem is that if he would have had a different attitude I would never have been born, wtf! That should be enough for psy to justify all my revolted attitudes, or to keep the damage to me and family, but what really revolted me to irreversibility was all the rest, or the incompetence and inadequacy of reality with its totally twisted priorities if you prefer. As to how I did my first "suicide" tentative, I learned somewhere that lead was a poison that killed people in old times simply by soldering canned food with it, so one too depressing day I removed .22 ammo tips with my teeth and I munched the bullets like gum and drank the poison, and it's not a joke. But I decided otherwise after some time, so I drank and vomited and drank and vomited...

The only thing I gained are regrets as an afterthought for the rest of my life. So no need to feed me some ammo, I did it myself! But I'm doing the humorist, don't think I'm proud of this, not at all, I'd remove this part from my life anytime. And don't you ever do the stupid in my name, unless you're suicidal, and the result is not death, but doubts and regrets; you'll never know all your life what you did to yourself, every time you'll have a small pain somewhere, you'll think about that moment, right down to the taste and texture, with all the associated emotions you were under, and the flashback will be so old you'll be dizzy and sick in the stomach like you just automatically switched to drunk mode, and with a pain somewhere appropriate; not a pleasure.

But I hope I'll distribute enough of your ammo spread everywhere to end this craziness; I don't want ever someone to end up seeing living as a battle. And if I have to fight half this earth to give a good value to ammo, I'll do it, but when I'll be finished, ammo will go at its right place. And don't you dream of eliminating it, ammo is good (not as food...), it is people who are evil, but didn't I already wrote about that? Something about good people supposed to be the ones dealing with guns and ammo? Good people don't like as much to use it, they want a minimum of it, not a planet overload of a ruining production of death in the name of protecting the most ego people.

If I was living in a good reality there wouldn't be that much of an overload of PMBBD, war machines and police everywhere; a small force is sufficient for good intentioned people, with some research, development and limited production for the possibility to keep on existing, in case some ugly mind debark on earth, but we're in country competition, and many superior races dream of conquering the earth to their superior mentality or culture or language...

I hope I'll stay the only one munching on ammo as I decide the world is hell; make it unique to me. And for those who suddenly have found the reason why I'm crazy like that, then maybe you're reaping what you're sowing; the path to overloading the planet in guns and ammo may include it all end up in bloody craziness and destruction, while the one that ate ammo as a kid make the philosophy for a sense in it. And destruction includes history, because as soon as you destroy, that's what you destroy, no choice about it, and me, the way I'm going with this book, I'm developing a kind of idea what. In the scenario where I have to do it, I don't scratch any possibility, remember? I'll always prefer destroying history that don't please me, not what don't please the rich, sorry, the same with people... For now, I'd say top rich ego people with the media institutions they influence and their bunkers, the matron, the serve me, ego adult innocence (the "who cares" type, those who don't have the will to do good unless they fear or see profits...), love destroyers (fuck all free for all people, those who use love to manipulate...), rich institutions, war institutions and mass death constructions, ego marvels, dicks in the middle of cities are not my type too...(what can I say, the city I'll design got a hole in the middle, I guess it comes with the ideology...and it spew stuff on love day, not on new year's day...)

THE SHELLING PART 3

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PSYCOLOGICAL PMBBD

Writing about past emotions is like visualizing future victories, you just see pieces then your mind creates, inside the limits of his knowledge and imagination, the rest of the image. But the more we manipulate knowledge the more we become liars, and manipulating knowledge with lies, doubtful affirmations, and omissions, makes bullshit, which is worse than lying since lying is an on-off thing, it is a truth or it is a lie, while the other contain elements of truth, elements of lies, elements of manipulation and missing elements of specification; if you like to trust people and don't spend time analyzing each parts of a sentence deeply instead of superficially, your brain will place bullshit in the truth category and you'll spread it, particularly if it's told by a psy or an expert or a scientist or learned at school. That's the general idea. If we want to express a generality, or a belief we have to say so before making our affirmations, we have to use some appropriate adjectives or details so it stay truth; you can write a whole book of doubtful opinions or theories if you start or end it by saying it's all just an opinion or theorizing, so the bullshit spreader won't be you but the people spreading your opinions as truth without the associated warning. That happens a lot with science; making a discovery that will end-up as half-truth by passing through reality's media experts, whatever it is a controlling structure, the media itself, or a charlatan. But sometime, boosting or contorting truth comes from scientists themselves, just to have a connection with their beliefs, and to hell with the scientific methodology which is supposed to mean we can trust scientists when they make affirmations.

People can't have the time or capacity to analyze everything they hear so they have to trust others, and thus it's the responsibility of the one communicating with masses to be careful of his talking and ego to keep bullshit at a minimum. The more people are listening, the more important that becomes and the more responsibility you have in the spreading of it. The worst scenario of spreading it is for the, supposedly and logically, most credible people to do it; governments, learning institutions, psy, experts and scientists, medias and particularly publicists who repeat or boost messages until we know them by heart at the first second. These spheres must absolutely be free of it. The media, movie, music book and communication industry should work to limit it by separating well the sphere where credibility and logic must be an absolute. Places to be serious and places to go overboard, both are critically important; you don't build reality on bullshit, but a lot can be learned by socially decorticating doubtful theories, even PMBBD, but that is naturally done through close socialization, including things like facebook and twitter, which are allright as long as people make the effort of de-bullshitting. But current people are so fake all the way to their intelligence that they almost need bullshit to survive; "depression" awaits the truth seeker... So people take the evil attitude with bullshit memes and quotations instead (I don't give a shit the citation came from Einstein, it's still bullshit), probably 90% of the stuff is bullshit, but people endorse it en masse because it sounds cute or intelligent, and the one posting it is so empty in his soul that he'd post any crap for new fake friends or a few likes; let's see how that will be important 100 years after they're dead, it's just that in ego reality people are ready to kill to inflate their ego with a gram of air... Humorist are excellent for de-bullshitting too, when they skip their personal under-meanings often full of PMBBD. Making humor out of PMBBD doesn't give a good result if you spread more PMBBD with under-meanings as you'll actually worsen things. In fact, it is not bullshit that's bad it's the people who need others to control their ego, always. It may even be a good idea to have classes early in life to practice discernment in such matters, not in a truth detector way, but more like in an exchange and argumentation way (I repeat to be careful of my "loose" suggestions, particularly in full competition ego reality where your unconscious most likely works against you...).

The bad thing is that this facebook full of bullshit babbling competition and memes is becoming an international behavior judge, and this makes me question if the Zachary guy has not become a vessel to cover a governmental agenda to submerge people in internet PMBBD while reinforcing the hierarchy of superiority. Society manipulating then selling our feelings, everybody feels or think he's better than some moron, the pyramid of displaced superiority and weird pride and strange justifications too. Do the rich pass their time on facebook? Not if they can't gain popularity from it; they are indispensable and they want an expandable population and facebook works toward that end. So you have admired people that the selection listen to and like, and all the rest are in a competition of bitching among themselves to feel special, better, or superior. facebook has become a mentally regressed psy, as people endorse old conflicting philosophy more akin to self-help for wasted brains than real philosophy, good for quick bullshit soothing citations and memes that sound profound or nice, good for people who don't like to think deep or complex enough to find the real truth, they prefer a quick bullshit, they want baby stuff, colors, images...

I may be going a little low, there are many people who just use it for true friendship, and nothing wrong with a little bullshit, it's just that I don't feel comfortable in the stuff, and I appreciate people a lot more when they use their critical thinking before liking things, and it is my experience that an independent way of thinking that doesn't follow standard media philosophy ends up wasted in bullshit competition, and the style is very low, like everybody ganging against you because you questioned the philosophy of the guy with 3000 "friends". And it is an extraordinary waste of time because you have to repeat under 20 different form and write your opinion in long pieces of text that are far beyond the attention span of anybody there, so the best you'll reap is a "who cares" and it will come as soon as you are on a winning tangent. Maybe it's just me, but my experience at validating my opinions there always ended-up in frustration. So unless I make my own gang I'm wasting my time.

It's like the groupie principle; once you got a fan base it is like a proof that you're good or in the truth, but sorry for you, sects always existed, it is not because you got a million adepts that it means you got truth, or you're good, or you're to be accepted, PMBBD and hype can get the whole humanity accepting wrongs. And that applies to music, religions, and the democracy-capitalism business, and the news too, like when they pool the people listening to them, most of which are a reflection of their views, to make affirmations that people are like this or like that, that they think this or that, that the pool is truth 99%; your gang is like this or like that, not mine! Stop the manipulation and autosuggestion to make a world to your dreams! But everybody on television is interrelated, everybody does its little part at manipulation, and I say this is a justification for a severe beating to most people in there, and that's a small punition beside the negative effect this industry is currently having on the mind of humanity.

Now, my opinion of anything internet developed after I published my work, this has been added later, but one thing's for sure, facebook exacerbated my despise for fake more than anything else, because it's closely associated to manipulation I should add. It's like LOL, is there a more fake expression than that? I bet not even 10% of the time it's used someone is actually laughing it out loudly....So you see, my mother had a genuine personality, my father had a genuine personality, and so am I. So when I see all those children with fake parents, well, it doesn't help me have faith in the future; parents who feel fake scare me. But yeah, one (moron, evidently) could argue that I'm living a fake life too, but am I? That's why living a meaningful life is important, that's why nobody should feel expendable, and that's why people will go to any extent to feel more meaningful too, at the expense of others when that's what the system require for better control or manipulation or exploitation...

And yes faking can have positive uses, in all kind of ways, it is even critical for survival, like lying, and all the manipulative quirks life invented, trying to manipulate is a normal behavior, but it is a learning behavior that must be minimized, unless it's for entertainment. As adults with life under our protection, these quirks can have devastating consequences, particularly if encouraged in masses. The evil facet of fake is that it is not truth, and considering it the truth skew judgment and can easily become a handicap to life's evolution processes. And me I want no different than most people, the difference is that I don't accept fake, I want the real deal, always, I prefer to live all my life without touching a woman if she's not the real deal (I'm not talking about mamal implants...), and the older they get the less they have potential, nothing physical (yeah, right...), I'm talking mental connection capacity, I can connect easily with a woman around 25, and her just maturing mind will profit greatly from my philosophy, but it would be far more difficult with someone my age (around 35), more bullshit more frustration, more painful ramifications, and I'm already at max stress and anxiety, I don't want more! That's why I say I write as a young person for young people, older people got too much baggage, and where we go I provide the baggage, and you carry what makes you an independent person.

As for the internet, I'm judged there as homophobic, sexist, racist and violent. And since I think I'm allright, then it is another argument why I should refuse to adapt to this reality. Yes you can see me as being too retarded, or not modern enough, but you should put yourself in my skin a little, just to see how bad it feels... I see sexuality as being born on a line from 100% homo to 100 % hetero, and reality can influence both the middle line and the tendency of the person itself ... For that I'm a homophobe? WTF and I mean virulent opposition like I'm Satan himself! I reap hate, insults, and even got my ass kicked in a fight, and things are worse on facebook, where I should get better understood, but no sir, I'm wrong even if nobody can refute my arguments, so I decided to stop speaking to homosexuals, fuck you, I'm too retarded. But I still think I'm right on the spot, and homosexuals are supposed to know better (than me probably) so what's wrong? What? Who decided that making sense is wrong?

I believe the best scenario of human development and harmony should be a mix where there are places where racial differences are protected, and places where people mix. I won't give arguments just now, but I got tagged as racist and got my ass (face) kicked for this opinion too, while I never attacked another race, and I see none as superior to the other, just different...

Next is sexism, a woman does not equal a man is my opinion, a woman got a vulvae, a man got a penis, a woman looks different than a man, a man is stronger than a woman, I could talk mentality, but those arguments to me are proofs enough that a woman has nothing to do speaking equality except on specific thing (the same as a man when you think about it...), and the same for competition. But the real problem it seems is that media and psy people are pushing to have men and women as the same mentally in the name of the standardization of humanity to prove people are like this and like that with cosmetics as differences, and if you don't fit it means you're mentally sick, and that doesn't work with me, and for that people accuse me of sexism! Fuck! I don't see man and woman as equals but as different while neither is superior to the other, or worth more because of its sex alone. So what's wrong? I'll add that without friends the only way for me to meet a woman (I'm poor) is to say hi to one I meet, or to be nice, or gallant. Taking the first step in such a way is extremely difficult for me, and the results have always been rejection under one form or another. But I don't even do it anymore because I've been given a warning for complimenting a woman twice, it's called sexual harassment it seems these days. So there is no way for me to meet a woman my style since those never approach me, but it is worse, I'm stuck in the middle of a kind of conflict between those who see sexism everywhere, those who think nothing is an argument not to be attracted to them, those who are frustrated, and those who like a little attention. What I mean is that solitude has made me cold and ignoring some women insult them and they try to get a vengeance. But that's not all, I made a few tentative and it has become a fact to me that I need a kind of status to get the more serious kind, even if my mind and body is exceptional, they seems to think nobody can bring something new mentally in this world, like they know everything, or some guru does, so I need a form of recognition or money in advance. Even in the scenario where I would get one interested, it still wouldn't last long unless I'm proven through this reality. The strange thing is that I see that as a bit normal, it's just the reality that skew their judgment of love values. And what can I do? At around 25 they already have an overly inflated opinion of themselves, soon enough they'll be manipulating and bossing around, and fail lamentably at love...As for me, unless I get money or status, then it is not worth the effort of running around trying myself as a poor person, and in a sense, that's the way it should be in hell...

Finally, I'm violent, and this is really an insult to me since I always try to avoid fights. I'm not beyond violence, but I sure just want to use it in extreme "all else fail" scenarios. How did I get a reputation of a violent person? From a girl that brought me to court from false accusations, and a guy that brought me to court because I removed his mirror sunglasses when he asked that I look in his eyes when talking (I look anywhere I like and I don't give a shit about your bullshit conventions, but yeah, I can do the authority look thing (throw sunglasses in the snow (violence), he ran away in fear, called the police and described me as having very intense eyes...))...I lost both cases, but the joke is that I never hit a woman in my life, and I never initiated a fight "give the first hit", however angry I can get.

As for my short term on the internet, I got banned or blocked or censored from almost all the sites where I posted comments, from comments on movies to comments on memes, passing by comments on games and youtube videos. I have to fit one media recipe or the other, I must follow a trend or a predetermined style, I think I'm too rare and unique and candid and emotive, so I'm like a magnet for troubles, particularly trolls. And I try to be respectful, I think I'm too complex and too much of an opportunity, too easy for me to scuffle susceptibilities...It's like there is a barrage where feelings stay in suspension, I'm unsettling, non-standard, I say things like "systemized unfairness" "ego reality" "profiting from innocence" so only the real ugly dares ridicule itself challenging my opinion, and I'm not talking about those who control what can and cannot be said, it seems I simply can't express my opinion on a movie on the net, or on a piece of news... So in the end, you can say what you want, particularly media people who pass their time shedding crocodile tears about freedom of bullshitting the masses, my experience is that I'm extremely limited in my freedom of expression by the intrinsics of this reality, and I could say the same about my freedom to move where I'm institutionalized to stay 20 years in one spot whatever my fights for my supposed rights, like it is the case with the privacy paranoia of governments that end-up with me having no feeling of privacy. I have next to none of this freedom of expression stuff if I'm not part of this hell, if I wanted to find a logical argument... As for the internet of peoples, as a freedom of expression platform, where creativity is supposed to roam free, well, it wants nothing of what's valuable to me, it's not like my opinions are that much valuable or something, but that's to be expected, no? I wouldn't be in hell if it was not otherwise... (I grow tired of this fatality, but I guess I'll have to live with it until I die...)

And yes, I know, that I just have to do like everybody else, but what about my opinions? I have the right to see homosexuality in a different way than science if I make sense. Why does my more complete and I believe truer opinion on the matter got myself the homophobic reputation? And the more I defended my view with logic argumentation, the more virulent homosexuals "lovers" became, because they know far more than me...I got out of there banned after pushing the exact button everybody had piled their bullshit over, I'll let you guess that one (genetics)...The same with my view of life that I believe far more advanced and complete than anything on the market today, but on the internet I understand nothing it seems, it's Darwin simplicity or you are in the same bag as religious people (I dare not go on a religious site, youtube is my greatest success, somebody liked my opinion there, once, I even remember the moment and the famous words I pronounced "I don't care, and nobody cares, so why should you care" (I think I'm gonna shoot myself) (btw, that was in answer to some guy with whom I had a virulently ridiculous exchange that lasted many message, and as it is the case with a lot of losers, he tried to terminate the argument with a (final argument) "who cares" but that would contradict his long failure of a tentative to prove the contrary...).

Yeah, I'm exaggerating a little here, I did get a few likes here and there, with tremendous efforts totally not worth it..., anyway, this applies to all my views, or my style, so whatever the media involved, it seems the only way to give value to my opinion in an understandable manner without constant bitching, is seclusion with paper. But the gremlin on denial will probably ignore or burn my books as some kind of modern heresy, in the name of democracy and freedom.

This is today's reality for someone like me, I'm judged as homophobic, sexist, racist and violent, while my mind sees no problems in me, so I can't accept to be a part of all this sick bullshit. I'm ok and the people who judge me and act superior to me are morons. Fuck you! I'll never encourage this system, I'm revolted against it, and even if some will want me to say it is all my fault, that I always put the blame on others, I'll write such a pile of all the crap of this reality that any sane person will wonder if downright razing this whole bullshit of a planet could help. But yes, it is all my fault, I'll never adapt to hell... In fact, why would humanity be worth something better if it accept or tolerate, or pardon all the rot of this world? Why should I care? When people will stop rejecting my kind of thinking, or start to fight bullshit as a mass, then maybe people like me will become more common. For now, people who wage war against bullshit, be it scientific, political, or religious, who fight evil in the true definition of it, who stand with life in their soul, they are a 0.0000000001% minority. You'll be "lucky" to meet someone like me in your life, sorry to sound self-inflated like that, but it is my honor to present you my work, and it is my pride that you are still reading. Maybe I'll expose but a fraction of my creativity, but I have total faith in people's capacity to develop it, because what I give of me is my soul, that's the rare and precious thing, and only you can make it shine in hell enough to be seen. But you do what you want, you are free to succeed or fail, and whatever my frustration at living in this hell, my shift is no longer than yours...

And experts won't get away by displacing responsibility or eliminating it to nothingness by saying every wrong affirmation made was a myth spread by some insignificants on the bottom steps of the pyramids, which they pass their time fighting against, or it comes from nowhere, some old mythology. We're not in Greek times, we're in scientific times, scientists or publicists, or governmental institutions, or experts, or old institution fighting to keep their old stuff twisting minds, all in all, people dealing with masses spread PMBBD as truth, and the word here is truth; affirmations. Do they say it is a personal opinion? Do they say they're making a principle? Do they say it is a possibility? Did you ever hear a singers use such moderators when they try to pass their beliefs as truth in their songs? Governments do it? Do religious people stick to saying their view of god is only a facet of life, or do they defend it is the only possible powerful entity of the universe? Do they act like it is true that Jesus walked on water or do they act like it is not true?

Facts are presently categorized the same as opinions, news sources fail to separate the two, often willingly, in the name of manipulating people. Next, you can put the fault on any media form you want, but fake news always existed, the problem, again is that serious media institution lost all credibility by becoming too flagrant in their manipulations, to me at least. When you have 3 articles blasting at a candidate on the same page, and one article applauding the other, I call that a flagrant bias, I personally don't vote because I'm against the democracy-capitalism business and I hate all rich people, but if I tried to base my judgment from what news media say, then I would be unable to choose because of all the bullshit. It's so stupid in fact, that the question I would ask myself is "what's the agenda of these people?" "Are they trying to emphasize the shit on this one so I will think he's a sexist, racist and homophobe and thus I vote for the other? Or are they trying to instill pity unto me, like a martyr phenomenon?" I want to know the truth of them so I can the weight the evil vs the good at least, whatever my vision of it, in the scenario that I would accept to embark in the "choose the pope of your condemnations" fun...You reap what you sow, by showing too much manipulation and bias news medias have made it impossible for people to judge well, and people's answer is to in turn give them the honor finger by seeking refuge in places that think like them, they close their mind, they seek truth only to validate the continuation of their lifestyle, or to boast socially. But I understand, the investment of time to find the truth is definitively not worth it, this investment of time should be done by media people, journalists and expert with opinion that don't twist facts. For now you are interested in what the media decide you should be interested in, you don't care about the Chinese election because media people don't want you to be interested in it, it could as well not exist, and it would change nothing in you, except materialistic concerns and the competitive brainwash...But if there's an election in a country that media people (governments) demonize, then you'll definitively hear about it, and you'll even probably vehemently embark, maybe even going to the extent of culpabilising that country for your own failings.

Evil will always use bullshit if it gains him an advantage, evil and bullshit go hand in hand, it's not for nothing that most of the selection prefers to have a cute illusion instead of the truth, hell is illusion, and its gremlins fear the truth, hide behind white things, tend to be paranoid about cleanliness, they need color, form and modernity as art to hide their ugly soul that they fear to let good judge, only if you provide guarantees of possible pardon or justification can you get them to look at the truth of themselves. Facades, me, in my understanding of how life works, I can only seek the truth and the destruction of bullshit or falsehood. And BTW entertainment is not falsehood, it is imagination, and your brain knows the difference. What makes entertainment evil is people using it to carry bullshit. And while bullshit affecting a few may be fun and even sane, the same little thing, only one little philosophical bullshit in a movie will put its source under many tons of it, if you put evil in a movie you make it a vessel of it, whatever the movie itself is excellent, whatever those who don't care will want to manipulate around and say "who cares" to defend their mind deficiencies...And finally, vessels are under the same situation as any tool like a gun; sure that less guns the less killings from guns, particularly if it is easier to kill with them, but the gun will never be the problem, like movies will never be the problem, people behind are. This is important because this reality got a tendency to hide its failings by punishing the tool instead of the user...

The same kind of mental failing could apply to good and evil, people will have to stop confounding true evil with the bullshit version of "democratic" law and order, religion or TV or movies, all will twist the definition of it (like policemen saying they fight evil while in truth they do as an aftereffect of enforcing the system on people (law)), often with fabulously complex stories, making default evil out of many people who are breed by PMBBD starting in infancy in kid entertainment, to accept, tolerate and pardon, as long as the bullshit is thick enough. A lot of people will end-up mentally limited by 30 this way, people with a fake personality and no "soul" who feel threatened by true intelligence and end-up jealous of the ones they spit upon in their full of innocent mistakes youth. They are dependent of "democratic law and order", acceptable leadership to fight an evil dictated by TV or any other accepted causes that compose the blunt of the immunologic system of the business they are dependent from. Now, I know that it is often in the best interest of everybody to deal things; I don't follow my view of good and evil to the letter, and I live in ego reality, and laws are supposedly meant to limit evil, depending on the definition, and the police is effective at that on the lower part of the pyramid, most of the time, except for me probably, so I must say that my line of conduct is mostly dictated by arguments fitting the situation I'm in, not necessarily good and evil. What I'm saying is that "law" is too simplistic and superficial for someone like me, it's not a government or a police or democracy that should tell me how to act or what is good and evil, sound arguments should.

I will continue on this facet of the psychology of evil later, for now let's let evil catch its breath a little, look at himself 5 seconds, getting ready for more slapping, by refusing to bear responsibility and reverting to attack good from behind with twisted arguments that it is committed to believe in in the name of not accepting the truth of reality for fear of making a "depression" or ending-up losing their ego accumulations, be them material or mental or familial, denial. Nobody likes to be wrong, nobody likes to lose its stuff, proportional to social visibility, but at some point either you stop and say sorry I'm lost, or life pays the price of your stupid attitude, increasing the weight of your evil (evil is always weighted by your effect on life, all other views of evil are contortion to defend it). So go ahead, defend your shitty example of a way of life, since only a very few still have the strength to change as adults once they are entrapped, they prefer to find the like of themselves and throw a party, and have some pseudo profound discussions with the best example of bullshit intelligence they can bring in their social security circle...

Another problem with bullshit is that there's something for everybody to think he's as good as or better than you, or more open or more intelligent. And I'm not only talking about competition here, I'm talking pure egotism and pride. I've had the most closed minded people tell me I'm closed minded, and whatever the argument I used to prove they are the closed minded one, I absolutely failed to make them question their certitude. In fact, it is my experience that many people believe they think like me, but in truth it is all bullshit because I met no one in my life that had my view of life and the universe, I met no one hating this reality with my kind of justifications, and no one that invented a whole new reality. And all those people with an inflated opinion of their mind capacities or openness, they are an impossible obstacle to evolution, to my expression, they make me hate humanity, and they make me think that the only solution is death and destruction. I say learn humility or you'll never understand half of what makes me different. Reap what you sow, or sow differently, but your kind of shit is not welcomed in my garden. You want a garden like mine? Then shut your overly developed mouth, respect what I did with my life that made me different, listen and change your ways to reflect that you truly think differently now. My thinking is not beyond most people, I started probably no different than most intellectually, and maybe that's why you believe you are in a competition with me, but the truth of a person's mind is reflected in their actions in reality, I invested my time differently than you, I don't have a house or a marriage or bad decisions to justify or defend, so don't competition, take the time to understand (like not reading like you lack the time), ask me to repeat if you must, I can explain the same point in many different ways, no problem.

But it's not as bad as those people who, when they feel surpassed in argumentation, will try to ridicule deep thinking or good writing by showing disrespect or joking about it. You can feel insecure by a different way of thinking, threatened, you can feel insignificant too, or you may lose some of your manipulation potential that you exchange for attention, but if you disrespect me or laugh at my thinking or opinions, then you make it personal, and I got a compartment in my mind dedicated at developing speeches to make you feel insignificant, until you are sufficiently frustrated to show the stupidity that you hide behind your disrespectful LOL or DUDE...Allright for you if you feel like a dude among your dudes, but never call me dude unless you're ready for some ego resizing... But I very rarely insult someone directly, I explain my view, sometimes about a type of attitude I don't like, and things degenerate from there, particularly if there are cute girls around...What should I have as an opinion? The same as yours? Surely not, I am what I am because I have a different opinions than yours, do with it, exchange respectfully with logical arguments or shut-up, I'm trying to help humanity, what are you trying to do? An egotism competition? Well, you already have the whole world in ego competition, why aren't you happy? You are scared that your whole philosophy could be wrong? You have something great to defend? People like me are an infinitively small minority, and you won't be happy until you have eliminated all of us? That way you and your wonderful society can claim that you live in the best system of the universe, or that your mind full of manipulative and defensive bullshit is sane because you adapted? My opinion is that the way of living that you adapted to, or that you defend, is a human and life failure, and you prove it by your hostility to new thinking, or fear of it. You adapt to this reality to the point of hostility, the degeneration of life doesn't affect you, you don't care about systemized unfairness, you ignore the liars and thieves that run the system, you have lost all will to fight evil, replaced by robotic binary laws that can't apply to me, you have condemned yourself to a fake personality, and now you can't stand that someone lower than you discovered himself a universe of possibilities.

And it is not true that people de-bullshit with time, reality proves the exact contrary; reality will change and people will change their bullshit package to adapt to it, that's nearer the truth, and only those who fight bullshit, or who pass a lot of time decorticating it, can provide the tools of change, if not it's a free for all that reinforce the condemning structures of hell, like the peace and love revolution, or the 99% vs 1% worldwide let's go anarchist revolution (ended-up like all protest where anarchist governmental agent get involved), or the tentative for Quebeckers to become an independent nation (which ended-up strengthening our assimilation), etc, etc. And I mean fight bullshit, if you have bullshit anywhere (except for fun or exploration), it is a handicap and it helps evil (entropy here), bullshit meant to manipulate doesn't make a good movie, it makes it worse, unless the bullshit is in the mouth of the enemy, in which case, blast them to bits them manipulators!!! And imagination can be anything, just put good and evil at their right place with the right attitudes (you don't transform an evil attitude in a good one by using positive emotions (like fucking aliens or beasts with "love"), or I send you in a place where you'll get ripped apart making love with your level of self-respect...) But an alien is not a human painted blue or green or violet with a small weird anomaly, that's just Halloween fucking to me, I mean monsters, animals and deform aliens (like the grey Martian, or ET, I don't care you're full sensitive, there is nothing to fuck here...) If you find a woman alien that is very much like a mature human, not an innocent, with a consciousness and all, then I might be a taker...What I'm not against, and that may sound weird from me, is physical modifications to increase attractiveness, and that can go far, and the reason is that it can be made in a way as to not affect the good and evil value, it can even be made to serve good. I have nothing against implants, but I don't want evil around them, and I mean evil, not the good evil "wink" "wink" that this reality is trying to turn evil into, just to guarantee its win at extinction...(conflicting the definition of evil is to block all possibility of evolution and thus survival, because all what makes life is under a form of duality, minimally; at all levels of everything there is a choice going on, for better (good) or worse (evil), twisting the definition of evil to satisfy ego goals, like ego reality has been doing from the beginning of time, is fighting against the universe and quickly losing (within a few thousand years, which is like 1 second, oh, look at me! dead. You think you're smarter than the universe? You may destroy solar life with your impunity, but you'll see nothing of the universe because you'll have been nothing. Moronic civilizations who don't care or don't respect life disappear from the universe at a rate of a thousand a second, welcome to your insignificance, you are either something or nothing. You decided to be nothing, I decided to be something, and I'll want everybody not caring or serving evil as dead.

Some will try to make categories out of bullshit, that way they can keep on carrying a brain half made of it, and accuse others of spreading it; you are clean, you are in the truth, others are not, in fact they are so retarded beside you that they spread mythology stuff! Yeah, and you're a myth buster! But me I work at the source, so sorry if I consider your words as societal manipulations to preserve fear and status quo, I'm a PMBBD buster, and in the end I'm the one that is living closest to the principles of life and good and evil. As a matter of fact, sorry for my lack of humility, not that I gain something from it, but following my unique on this earth view of life, and my unique on this earth view of the mind, and my unique on this earth view of good and evil, and my unique on this earth view of the universe and its birth, the only one before the first one, I may as well be the most unique and valuable person to have lived on this earth as of yet, I'm talking in actual value in my own view, not yours. I'm big eh! What you don't know is that I don't consider myself a very good person yet, barely on the line due to letting ego reality influence or help me in the name of survival or sanity, in a sense it's all an investment but if I succeed writing this, whatever people do with it, then I win in the soul. As for the reward, well, it's bigger and better than what anybody on this earth could imagine, or enough to make any human struggle to grow its ego quite a pathetic sight...

But many people of this reality will immediately have a feeling of destructive jealousy, they'll take no hint of pride from a failed dirty lowlife like me for sure, and they can't possibly be that totally and profoundly wrong about everything! So in ego logic, I have a mental malady! Egologic egologic, I'm perpetrating a worthless ego power trip on myself! But I say you can be jealous all you want, you created the situation by your acceptance, tolerance and pardon of evil all through history, I should just be suggesting plans for fun, like my city, my life should not have been a struggle to find life and place it back at the center of things as I try to understand the reality I live in, I mean people did not take their fucking minimal responsibility toward life, I should not, absolutely not, be in this situation in the year 2000 in the best country of the world. All this philosophy and spirituality about life, it should already have been developed by all kind of people, spreading the good value. But you reap what you sow, you made a reality to serve ego gods, then you reap worse than insignificance, and me I reap more than I ever dreamed of bargaining for while I don't see myself as worthy of any of it, even if I must open such great possibilities for me. I still put my life in the bargain, which is not nothing, and I work, but I have a hard time believing nobody in human history wrote a noticeable book about the philosophical and spiritual value of life, so I must mention that I may invent nothing new, that a religion may be hiding a book like mine. But advanced science may be necessary too, I need to visualize all the functions of the universe through science to develop the life-gods ideology, which is one more argument reinforcing my belief that humanity had to experience something like an ego-gods ideology fully, as a step. But it's surely not my job to defend it, I'll let its members do that last part... So you fought (spent your energy) to encourage ego inflation, I fought for life, and you can end-up qualifying my work as a pile of bullshit all you want, it will change nothing, in fact, the more you'll try to ignore or desecrate my work, the lower you'll sink yourself, and the more I'll reap in the benefits...Take the path of life, and regret the troubles you gave to it, which includes other well intentioned humans, like me, or you can persist in your competition, but I like it better to have friends than enemies.

When we lack truth or true knowledge it leaves a door open for ego people to manipulate and profit, and it will give your decision power to those people as ego is first on the cake. I want to stop that before developing the philosophy and spirituality of life, or manipulators and profiteers will just desecrate everything of it as people start understanding its value, like it probably already happened... Ego always seeks to grow by any means available to him and these two "weapons" (truth and knowledge) are hardly enough to gain control of it as they are available to him too. Anyway, when big Brutus smashes your face, you'll go to hell with your truth, knowledge and ego stuff; he may not know how to read but he'll take control of your butt for sure if you don't start babbling something interesting to either grow his self-esteem or impress him by the size or ability of yours. So you better not tell big arms that everything in life is not only a question of big arms, I tried, and I got proven that everything is about big arms indeed (you can see it as war). And you wouldn't insult big arms because he's the one that insulted you in the past, something wouldn't fit in his universal order of things, and what doesn't fit cannot be him. You hardly can get anything else but ego to win anything from, or climb, an ego competition pyramid...

In the end, the greatest psychological enemy of humanity is bullshit (or PMBBD), the greatest evil manifestation of this enemy is egotism competition, and its greatest success will be the transformation of the ideal egotism society as a genetic strength.

A seeker of good will be attentive of his ego (self, needs), he will seek to control it, he will fight for things that should fairly be his while still trying to grow it when his judgment tells him that his actions will make the future better for some, including himself, even only himself, while trying, mostly by listening to, or understanding them, not to make it worse to others, except evil or unfair people. He must try to judge the quantity of good, including himself, versus the quantity of bad his actions will accomplish, and he will choose his actions accordingly. And that includes enforcing an "evil" path, encouraging it, or continuing on it. The way to see it is life, which includes people; what is your effect on it? Do you preserve or help it more than you destroy it? Is your effect on it more positive than negative? Is your negative effect necessary to reach your greater goals of good? A scientist making a genetic mutation doing his job and permitting a structure to spread it everywhere may end up having a devastating effect on life, and if so, then, unless he was forced, it will weight in as evil for him and there is a weight for all those who either encourage it or don't care. And yes it is possible that it can be calculated, I even believe life can do it through its logical systems, don't forget you are life, a sense of life, it is life that made your mind. You may see it as independent if you want, but you are still life with a goal in the universe. Now, you can call it a mistake, and yes, imbecility or candor is pardonable, understandable, but consciously knowing you are making something that will be bad is another matter, the same for persisting in an attitude you consciously know as bad, even if you're addicted. Anyway, it is the result that counts; if the result is failure then you were not good enough point.

But judging things can be hard and time consuming to do, depending on the situation, and that's one reason why a system exists, to test and systemize a lot of difficult thinking (can be seen as doing the job of life, since life will slowly, with time, eventually modify its genetics to reflect truth, and free power (time) (Just a thought; it may be possible that sustaining a high level of power for a long time, like feeding to slight fat level for 10 000 years as a whole civilization, would change some facets of the process. Yep, there are many very impressive gifts for those who take the good path, but you always must prove yourself first...)

Anyway, judgment from truth is critically important for everybody, and I don't have to tell you not to exaggerate and think about it for every action, even if this reality would need it badly, but when we have the time to plan some future action, like conquering the earth with a language or chemical, it means you have the time to do it, no? But do you think about fairness when your goal is to systemize unfair means for your likes? No, and trying to make things unfair makes you evil. And it's not that hard to judge your actions, you know it, particularly if you've been doing it for a long time, it's just that you're lazy or out of time or out of patience, or ego, or you don't care; you can find any reasons...

I try to act my ego according to the attitude people have, if they give me sufficient hell or act like animals, then I will vastly prioritize myself since I act consciously; I may even kill them if I judge their ego is too big or dangerous (in another life, since some people took this as a monopoly for themselves, making it a systematization, with justifications that are no better than any other...) Destroying the extremes of ego is the most worthy action a physical warrior of good can do (universal law, law of life. Human action value in such matters dictates almost all of one's value toward historical advancement of life; meaning ego positive or negative effect can tend toward infinity depending on the situation. How high consciousness potential species use their ego have a direct and decisive effect on all life related to it), but I have yet to see people truly fight evil; we are fighting and exploiting good more than anything else, and than ever.

People who truly control their ego will always be a minority in an ego competition reality since there is no place for such a mentality; the idea is more like getting your ego controlled by someone else who has the same infinite ego philosophy than yours but with more intelligence or luck to make a profit. Now, you don't separate ego from life, dumping your ego is dumping your life, your ego is meant to be controlled by you and you must learn it. This reality is a bunch of pyramids where every facets of one's ego is exploited by someone more intelligent on that facet, and it is accepted through massive and reality wide PMBBD. We are dependent from selling control of our ego, and we are run and controlled by millions of profits vampires who cultivate PMBBD and innocence. But who cares? It's too late, our fingers dried in our hears from a thousand years of childish attitude, we never truly fought unfairness or evil, and now we are as an invincible systematization. Turning things around is far out of reach of this reality that wouldn't care anyway, the people have been pressure selected at a massive scale enough to form a vast majority of "peaceful" defenders of systemized unfairness feeling bad if they don't encourage the system to continue. So whatever you say, when you look behind the façade and follow the life energy lead in this reality (money), you always find a disproportionate and unfair ego. So go ahead and break your head in four to write something making sense and you'll just have paid dearly in time and efforts developing yourself as a pariah to worse than no avail; your effort at writing will be toilet entertainment at best....The only solution is the invention and implementation of another reality where another ideal can thrive free of controlling profiting people and gangs, and you are forced to do it in writing with which the medias can make any stew, so have fun...

I'll try to invent such a reality, because ego people will always say it's impossible and their followers will always listen to them. I'll invent a reality for good to thrive in, judgment, love too and more. Is it good enough? love? So contorted it has become bizarre talking seriously about it, except for some women I'd want to meet, even if it's thrown about at all sauces. Instead I'll say I'll try to invent a reality where I could have been happy from birth to death, where I would never have had to split my brain in four to understand the works of it under all the PMBBD, where I would never have had to go crazy over ego understanding, the same for the question of whether I'm truly doing good or not, a life not made of struggles, fights, challenges or competition, a life where I am what I am and do what I want in sense without people pushing me around, a life where I'll be a human, not a travesty of it, a life where I'll see happiness around me, even wisdom, not only under the influence of entertainment, a life where I know everybody is under fairness rules, where nobody have the liberty to impose his view.

That's what I glimpsed out of the smoke as a young man; the possibility, my destiny. I would trick my ego by seeking an almost impossible and vague goal with the invention of the biggest possible reward, force my ego to work toward this goal by making it the biggest placebo ever, step by step making the possibility grow by correcting everything to make it work toward the goal. I'll make a fool of myself and a folly of my life but I'll believe in my capacity to do it, I'll postpone reward after death if I must so I can sacrifice to the invention and growth of the possibility. To be rewarded alive is to plant the seed, to plant the seed is to one day realize I have made the seed. Today I know it can grow if enough people want to give it a space and the needed care to grow, so by this writing I'll put the seed in your hands and tell you all I can about it. But I'm not finished justifying its creation, and knowing how ego may seek its destruction, I better make the shell very hard...

Now, if you want an example of "propaganda manipulative bullshit and brainwash disinformation (PMBBD)" generalizations, here is one encouraging the pedophilia and banalization of sex push (natural sexual attractiveness is very different than being pushed or encouraged in our unconscious to sex) and the making of dysfunctional people for the bottom of the pyramids. It is based on an extrapolated scientific finding twisted and spread at all sauces by media and psy experts, all in all, all those who dream of fucking with adolescents. "Men reach peak sex power at 16" (or testosterone, I'm not sure). All kind of strange variations of that got thrown about everywhere by sex "experts" of all kind until it became a general trend suggesting that people are at their peak at 16, like they are now adults. It's almost a sex revolution, adolescent girls are now women at 16 and they're better having lots of sexual experience before then the way TV is going. Adolescent boys are men at 16 and they're "normal" if they've been having sex as much as possible. Young people must quickly get a pornographic education on the internet long before the laughable 18 years old warning. The next step is to jump in and have sex with adults who "love" children (preferably with some money).

Even if it shouldn't be a sex party, sex between late adolescents or young adults, which is allright if not pushed, has absolutely not the same meaning and repercussions than sex between adolescents and adults. If you stop being a boy or a girl at 13 you do not become a man or a woman because of some hormonal thing, neither does it happens a few years later at 16. If an adult want to have sex with an adolescent of 16, he is a pedophile, that's it that's all. And no love there, only mental invalidity, contortions or retards. But you can still have some powerful skills, like animals do, along with some emotions too. Someone doing that has no control of his ego and consciousness, an animal is far better versus his responsibility, and finally, he is totally responsible for his complex of inferiority, whatever his position on a pyramid or the size of his dick, be him a president or a singer or the pope. But since your head is full of too important stuff to think of such retarded subjects, or since you're not intelligent or evolved enough, or since you're out of control, or since you're totally susceptible to the medias that are the main responsible for this banalization of sex and pedophilia push, you'll listen to my authority and follow either the 7777 rule or, if you absolutely need to go younger, follow the 6666 one. It is not hard to memorize, it's not hard to understand; at around 6 you are a boy, at around 12 you are ado, at around 18 you are a young adult and at around 24 you are an adult with minimal ability to defend against the blunt of the "vampires" who want to profit from growing people. So if you want the best general path of developing sexuality, then do it around your age category (around exponential). And I prefer 7777 because it fits better with "around" and the absolute push from the pedophiles of the mind to profit from innocence at all cost. (For adult consciousness development steps, I'd go for around 20-20-20). As for the failure from supposedly adults people to skip profiting from innocence, the punition should be a kick down a kilometer deep hole, or something; stop defending and helping pedophilia, why don't we spend the money on people who don't twist the sexuality of young people? There are tons of people infinitively more worthy of an effort than pedophiles, there is nothing worse as a failed adult than a pedophile, even a killer got higher level justifications for his actions.

But this reality wanted to exploit children, adolescent and young adults to the maximum and it have totally succeeded proving without a single doubt that the minimally effective 6666 law was to be followed at the ax. Again it is too late for that, ego have systemized the place with Walt Disney criminals among others, and every structure of this reality profits from them now. And I'll be moralist because we continually sing we "love" our children, that we must protect them (from what? Evil?), while the result looks like the contrary. Like the generation before them, they are the most manipulated by the media to ever be born; they buy and act more compulsively than ever. Even if they're submerged in "love", the total of twisted hidden hypocrite hate and evil they are witnessing is the greatest of any generations before them. They are the most capitalistic, materialist and ego people to ever walk this earth. They think they are ecologist because recycling is becoming a business (you take the resources where they are in the end, it is kind of logical that you recycle since someday it become less expensive to "mine" garbage, particularly when people do half the job at home...), but they are the worst polluters ever. They think they have more consciousness but they are more manipulated by all kind of people, singers and gangs, they are given choices of consciousness or follow trends. The same for independence; they are the most dependent ever. The same for ego mentality they think they're flushing but are encouraging it more than ever in the reality of their actions and emphasis of their admiration. The same for work; they think they are more free or happy because they got better work condition, growing their ego, but they are more slaves than ever. The same for love; they're developing and spreading more sexual weirdness they try morphing and mixing into the most twisted recipe of sex ever, and they'll call it "love". They think they are more profound but they are more superficial than ever. They think they'll change the world, but they are more peaceful, tolerating, accepting and adapting than ever. They are living in a material illusion, with pseudo friends and all they want seems to be to escape this reality. They don't even have their sexuality that is not used for profit one way or another, they won't explore and understand it for themselves, they are pushed in a competition of manipulation as to what guru will win their sexual innocence to his mentality. They are seeking and needing so much money, they are so manipulated and full of bullshit they'll accept the next step in pretty women exploitation; they'll legalize prostitution and all kind of systemized sexual exutoires and responsibility dumps to hide their manipulated intellectualities while boasting they are "open". Love will become a deal, like Christianity wanted with marriage, (nothing worse than a religion or sect to play with love and sex principles). It will be a trade of a few years at best and you'll choose to whom you'll "sell" yourself, based on advantages and appearance. That's what the "peace" and "love" mentality brought about, it's the "love" present people work with all their might to implant; no wonder they unconsciously need to continually say they "love" their children... We are mind pedophiles from the structure of the reality that want to profit at all cost, even enforcing innocence to profit from it, and the main culprit is ridiculous television full of manipulators and profiteers that parents plant in front of their child as soon as they are born, then the internet do the rest in heavy "trendy" communication and "freedom" crackpots like it is a magic word permitting any insanity except stealing directly or killing directly since it is the law.

I may be exaggerating or a bit fatalist, so I'll end this with a positive note; I feel many young people are still fighting at the surface of all the crap, they are not jumping in, they are even better at detecting manipulators and profiteers than any previous generations, even the push for sex from singers don't have much of an effect on them (even if some singers specifically targets them by tagging them as negative stereotypes for their saner attitude, since hell is fucked-up upside down... I'm thinking of one in particular, doing exactly like my first girlfriend lately tried to do with me; force her new view of love and sexuality on me by acting like I'm retarded while she's completely fucked-up and never succeeded at truly loving someone. While for me that have been patient and only touched 5 women in my life, I succeed at living a very satisfying love story for years and I grew from it while having tons of sex fun (we had lots of imagination for that...). Granted that I'm not currently sexually active, and I do want sex, but I don't feel the need to fuck around even if I'm absolutely confident about my sex drive, maybe it's because I know what attitude I need, I know other types will be mediocre alternatives. Then there is the fact that sex is far more interesting to me when it is made complex with love, and it still better is when you've been knowing your partner for some time. But it's just me that's retarded no? and we're in a fast food world, and we need to become addicted to fucking, to counterbalance our degenerating sperm and ovaries (and minds, since it's exactly the contrary attitude we must have), and to make quick young armies in case of global war by stopping preservatives and pills production (maybe this last one dwells a bit on the line of conspiracy theory, but what do you know...). What is scary is that this girlfriend I talked about actually looks like that singer! What's traumatic, and particularly painful to me, is that the one I loved most would fit the class of people this singer is attacking and trying to manipulate to her ways. This singer is my enemy, she's fucking pissing in my niche, I want her cadaver buried in my backyard NOW, in the name of love and in the name of my reproduction! But she's rich, because she's an ego person with manipulative talents, the most rewarded skill in an ego reality... One thing's for sure, if it was just for me she'd have been disposed of at the second she started attacking saner people than herself, in my vision of good and evil, evidently, but instead she's making the future! Logical... And yes I do understand that many young men are not born competent sexually, but it seems many girls can't understand it is normal and they worsen things with all kind of wrong attitudes leading to more wrong attitudes in men. But yes, it is understandable that sexual incompetence, or insanity, doesn't make strong couples, I for one wouldn't stay with a girl that don't like sex, the one I met transposed all kind of frustrations in many facets of my life, I would vastly prefer fuck-all free for all as a philosophy if all women were like her...

As for those young people sticking to better ideals, if there was more of them and if they persevered in their mental fight, they could become a problem to this reality. But nothing to worry about, it will get them one way or the other (Probably with more twisted movies (like vampire movies) and singers. It makes me think that the form humanity took may be final if its immunity system is at the point of automatically targeting all viruses that may change the direction it's going (wait until I start talking about psy), in my view of life, evidently, where viruses are not all bad things. In fact, most viruses "attacking" us exist to either protect us, change us or make us evolve, and death is an option for sure...even some mental "sicknesses" can be seen that way. Crazy how I see life eh? Just wait!), or they'll end-up as an infinitively small minority, frustrated and ignored they'll disappear in the pressure selection, like me that is totally inadequate, the ghost of a dead mentality that humanity didn't care about or saw as wrong or as a problem, or more like couldn't insert in its profiting structures... Unless people suddenly revolt for a different ideology, which is kind of impossible in the mentality of this reality, those young people will stay my only heroes.

One thing's for sure, you may think you can do what you want, but in the end nobody will ever succeed at making a product out of humans, a formulae produced at the wishes of those who got the wanted attitude to manipulate people and things, since we'll destroy ourselves if we are to succeed, or if you prefer, life will destroy action reaction since we are life, we are a part of life (its head, to prevent sexmaniacs from saying we are its sex; the sex is a specie reproduction system). If we die, then life will fail; what would life do without its head? It could grow back one, but what if it becomes impossible because we incapacitated life in its goals with our ego attitude? Like exploiting a critical resource that will take billions of years to start becoming available again, thus preventing solar life from reaching other entities in the universe? The worst is that the way I see how the best mentalities are competed or ignored then I would have a tendency to believe we are near this point, and how do we call the earth again? Mother earth, a mother that is trying to make us leave home for other stars, if we don't or fail, she'll give us hell, she's prepared for that from millions of years ago, and you can do nothing about it if she unleashes her fury to kill us instead of just being an impossible bitch to deal with. I just hope she will reformulate our intelligence before then. For now we are still alive, and we will stay alive as long as we have sufficient potential, nothing will kill us totally, no virus, no pole shift, no meteor, no alien, not the sun, nothing (in a life-gods ideology, a solar system is a device meant to deal with life (the same with gods), it is a life machine, everything within the solar system is "influenced", and inadequate external things are given troubles, but they are welcomed as long as potential for life's success exists).

Now, don't rejoice too fast; after writing a lot and a lot more, I've come to the conclusion that if we don't drastically change our ways, either peacefully by creating a new growing reality, or violently by defining a better view of good and evil, then I will see the failure of solar life within my lifetime, and that can take any number of form (like being stuck on earth, even if we visit mars for show...). But don't panic, it is just a personal conclusion, nothing to worry about, hundreds of people predicted the end, I just do my job doing it too and explaining my opinion. I'm talking a lot about the future, it is normal that I look at what may happen within my lifetime. The difference with me is that I don't look at the future from the eyes of an ego-gods related association, but from the eyes of a life-gods related association, something that have never existed on earth as a complete form. With my view of life, if I was born thousands of years ago, then my opinion would have been different because I wouldn't have had to deal with factors like resources exploitation, or genetic engineering, or climate mess-up, or an invincible selection condemning humanity to an ego competition.

Life and humans exists because logical mathematics fails to attain many possibilities, and if we produce humans out of numbers then the human will fail too. So all these tools of selection to pressure us to become this or that, like the IQ test, or emotional test, or all these psy affirmations describing the human as this and that, the same for scientific discoveries saying we are like this and like that, they all limit our capacities, they pressure us to become a wanted selection thus minimizing to elimination other mentalities that could be better adequate in a different reality, or in the future, until scientists make the affirmation that everybody got the same fundamental mentality in hell, just so we can't get out of it...or is it the ego gods ideology? To finish this positively, I'll say that those young people who presently fight the insanity of this reality could be seen as a new life expression of intelligence, a riposte from life to all the manipulators and profiteers of this world, at least I hope so. Still, a part of the 16-24 age group is not half the population, it may be 10% of the population, so it's not enough to stop me generalizing when I'll talk of the selection fitting the system and blindly following most trends suggested by the manipulators and profiteers of this reality as long as they got twisted arguments making minimal superficial sense.

As to the sentence, "People are at their peak spermatozoid production at 16." did the scientists take into consideration every possible factor before expressing their new truth in their scientific methodology? Maybe the ado attitude is better suited to the given environment when asked to give sperm comparatively to an adult that may not have the same attitude in the same environment, and that can make a big difference in the study, or the more consciousness the more the situation matters. Or there could be a reality created chemical (scientifically made and proven in Coca-Cola (meaning in some widespread proven not bad, by industrialists and their scientists, product) the ado have not yet cumulated in enough quantity to limit spermatozoid production.

That's one of many doubtful facts about life from science, probably one made as a defense and for dumping future responsibilities while at the same time having a more positive and direct harmony factor with reality by encouraging the banalization of sex (sex is money and more people, (and "gods" fucking around). The truth of their discovery without PMBBD is more like this; "Presently, a majority of men reach their peak spermatozoid production around 16" (Or is it testosterone? I hear so many variations that I don't even know!). This sentence, which is not much longer or harder to say, makes all the difference in the world for me because it is true. But there is still an evident hole, a nice fit for bad intentions, and it is in comparing it to time advancement; in all your disinformation, you never talked about what it was for spermatozoids to live in the 1930 (before the good chemicals revolution), I bet spermatozoids were best produced around 24, maybe even later.

But I'm just complaining, no? And no effect on society, no? Except that now sperm banks only accept young people as givers, surely not a mature and healthy mentally developed person like me, I guess ego people want the sperm of the age group they can more easily manipulate and fuck with... What I mean is that the way I see life such an attitude would be a tremendous limitation to human evolution since I connect reproduction with mind development (to some extent, age is a test of mind complexity harmony, and the only way to have harmony ease our life through genetics is to reproduce the less conflicting minds.). Then one got to wonder if the sperm degeneration thing is not in fact a result of not reproducing from the best minds, everything just patented by the most ego people, the most moronic at it, pressure selection, and I'm out...

Another thing, in a reality where bullshit rules, scientists will tend to go through all the classic fears before "finding the truth", and they won't want to contradict their own philosophies, like atheism. So if a scientist believes in nothing, not even love, if he sees human reproduction like an animal thing or sex like a competition, then you can bet sexual attitudes won't be a part of their methodology. My point is that, if it is really happening at the extent they say, then the problem could as well be the banalization of sexuality pushed by media people. I'm not talking pornography, and I'm not against it, but I'm entirely against (to the death) the bananisation of sexuality, and all those young brain-dead sluts that will open for 100$ should be dead (sorry if the reality (the rich) pushed you to it by its monetary unfairness, or twisted Hollywood propaganda in movies, but I'm tired of innocence as a justification to defend any wrongs, my book is the end of innocence, I judge people by their effect on reality, the way of life, you embraced the banalization of sexuality, then you are my enemy, I appreciate people who fight for good behavior, and you work for the wrong side) What's the difference between pornography and the banalization of sexuality? I guess any of my readers that lasted to this point has enough brains to guess that one...

And nobody will tell me that the selection is not brain-dead on its knees in front of media people and psy, so much it's ridiculous, revolting even, one got to wonder if there's still thinking capacities in them, except for the ego competition. I remember they were making a study about porn in a news channel, there were parents, teachers, an expert on psychology, and some kind of fat expert political on another TV. So they asked 12 years old kids if they had watched porn yet, they all said yes completely destroying the psy initial argument that porn was under adequate parenthood and internet control, what a moron, I wouldn't even dare suggest that kids can't access pornography, what is it? Never plugged the internet? Maybe he was a pedophile, I wouldn't be surprised knowing how psy are these days... Then they asked how many times for some more ridiculous. The result was that no kid seems particularly interested in porn since they only watch it once a week (like regularly? And wtf is this bullshit, you gonna believe these kids?). There was some debate, fat woman got particularly emotive, but the conclusion suggested by the psy that made everybody happy is that it's not the end of the world if kids watch porn only once a week, it's not a dependence (yet, and you forgot they're kids...willfully probably...). Then there was a pub pause, then everybody happily departed, their brains humbled by too much new wisdom...So the psy did his job of adapting people to reality, whatever the result, so that people accept and tolerate, and that was it, but personally? I would have debarked and made a massacre, but that's just me, the last person still with a working mind on this planet it seems...

Media people and scientists who encourage the banalization of sexuality are not only manipulating the youth to pornography instead of love, but they'll be one of the biggest contributing factor to eventual human extinction. But who has the power to change society? Me or media people and scientists? Just don't forget scientists are not saints, far from it, whatever they have a white coat, but media people are far worse; they're the ones manipulating most discoveries (suggestively, hypocritically) to form the attitude of the masses to defend their own sick activities. I know they'll laugh and snort at my opinions, twist everything, attack my credibility, but the way my judgment is forming, I'd say media people and are at the top of the list of the enemies of life, I'm talking about their tremendous negative effect on the development of life by the bullshit they fill people with. And sorry if they are innocent, I know they'll get a ton of justifications out of their pockets, but everybody sing the innocence tune these days, it's like confessional on the spot, no need for anybody to go to church, we're all innocents! It's not our fault that we exist! We can do what we want, who cares?

The same for homosexuality science and media people made a "normal" thing (can't write an opinion book without stumbling on the subject, sorry, but I'll wait later when I'll be more ready to bash about in the more susceptible lot), I could say the same for baldness, which they try to make a "positive" thing by associating it to their hormonal glorification; what is strange is that no animal become bald whatever the quantity testosterone they have, and aren't we supposed to be animals they say? And why only the head? I'd like my ass to become bald too for some logic, but I understand that hairs growing at different places got different properties, our hairs are just unlucky I guess...no? And where did we take the stuff? From the chimp? But what pisses me off is that all the bald people I knew were proud to tell me that high levels of testosterone caused it and they were like super sexual performers for it, like a scientific fact, like they got a bigger dick, even bald people on television say it, while if you listen to some other experts, they'll say levels of testosterone (unless none) have nothing to do with it, that it is an enzyme that doesn't work as intended with testosterone, and it is what causes it, that there are people with high levels of testosterone who don't become bald, that all the bullshit comes from a stupid "scientific" study where they castrated men to prove it (methodological!). I can guess waking-up without balls could be such a shocker that you'd lose all your hairs right there but what's the truth? Probably the speech varies proportionally to hair quantity...Anyway, maybe we should serially chop balls, that way the sexually frustrated feminists singing that testosterone is the culprit of all troubles will be happy...Finally, I don't believe it is normal to be bald, I don't like the idea, like saying homosexuality is normal too; I have no problem with either bald people or homosexuals as long as they don't put pressure (show off more than normal people) to twist principles, but the more I grow up, the more revolted I become because everything is becoming twisted from pressure gangs and competition, and they succeed as long as they don't affect the system. It looks like evolution, but it's just an illusion; governments are throwing candies around while we forget about mass evil like systemized unfairness, or mass PMBBD, but this attitude of twisting everything will eventually become a far bigger problem than anything else, it will stagnate and condemn humanity to a fraction of its potential from not developing the truth of things. But I'll explain more about that in "The Seat Of My Mind" chapter (book).

What causes baldness may be science itself; testosterone circulating in bloodstream and getting, somewhere along the way, in contact with chemicals or interfering molecules transforming it in something else that causes loss of hairs. But that's one possibility among many, yet, our blood stream is full of such chemicals from thousands of unnatural sources; read the list of ingredients on toothpaste or chips, this gum juice you're drinking, or even your soap bar; you think some of the stuff doesn't get in our blood? The skin is not an absolute armor, it absorbs most chemicals to some extent, insect repellent too, and did you ever touch your lips with this? Really weird! But our deep unconscious knows, that's why even if science try to make it a "natural" thing (maybe under the pressures and rewards of the many people who can profit from baldness) we are still not proud of losing our hairs. Isn't chemical therapy for cancer good for losing hairs anyway? Such therapies last a very limited time for big hair losses, so maybe getting all kinds of chemicals in our bloodstream from all kind of sources can give the same results and you'll never find a single source, and maybe some are more sensitive to it than others. What bugs me still more is that they say we need testosterone to grow hairs, but what about women? Where do they take their testosterone? And why only hairs? This evolutionary worthless thing that helps make humans most beautiful? And isn't it strange I'm questioning science like that? They're continually boasting discoveries, go ahead, and get our hairs back growing if you know so much! And I'm not talking about planting them.

I know, I don't know what I'm writing about, I'm just exploring possibilities, but I really doubt testosterone quantity is the cause of baldness, it is something else, I've got big balls, I grow muscles and strength surprisingly easily, and I don't become bald. Knowing how much some scientists want to prove they're right, I wouldn't be surprised they did a stupidity like getting such conclusions from methodologically drinking cups of the purified, or worse, chemical form of testosterone for their experiments, they always do that. Diluting a drop of acid in a glass of water won't cause a problem for anybody drinking it, but fill the glass with pure acid and drink it for some conclusive effect; men's blood is not half testosterone. I would be tempted to believe that alcohol or coffee, something like that, could have an indirect part in it too (related to a nervous system, or other system, modification of rhythm or phasing; any part or function of your body or life that you boost or overdrive or that stay atrophied or not equilibrated for too long will eventually break down or degenerate something, and that applies to a reality since it exist solely for life). But I doubt scientists would attack such invincible industries, and losing 1 percent of their production is worth billions to them, while it only cost a few millions to buy some scientists and invent some methodological (last time... maybe a few more times.) PMBBD to protect their markets, besides, such products are a profoundly implanted thing in most people.

As a last possibility about baldness, I wouldn't discard thousands years of short hair shaving as slowly having a genetic implementation effect (more about that in Life Infinite) or intensifying the phenomenon, by producing the hairs that will react in truth to our beliefs, or whatever else means life got at its disposal within the body. And I know science will say hairs are dead things, but I believe information circulates anywhere there is matter contact (even air waves, more on that in Lift-Off), and it means the mind could easily know the length of our hairs from one generation to the next; you'd be just lucky there is always someone like me who like to have them long...

But guys with long hairs don't become president or prime ministers to make it a serious and valuable thing, maybe artists, but why? Why do men with long hairs never run a country? Are they growing a different mentality along with their hairs that prevent them from running for presidency? Are they evil? Are they incompetent? Is the manipulated selection full of stereotypes? Long hairs mean they are not men? Or normal? Bald people are trying to make of manhood a baldness thing? That's what's normal? Men are like that? Maybe it's a Jesus thing, maybe he gave inappropriate leadership such a scare they unconsciously arranged everything to never have one in a powerful position. But I'm going too far, I was on the verge of saying you'll wait until you're in deep troubles before listening to long hairs sages, to make them responsible for the radical measures needed to systematize things back in sense; you wouldn't ask that of people that systemized things to grave problems in the first place, logical, but the problem is that at the first opportunity, those people will be back on the throne systematizing things their way all over again with subtle PMBBD, hype, pressure, and principles manipulations and stretching the elastic in the name of freedom, and 100 years later humanity will be back to pyramidally bring luxury to inadequate leadership there for the fame, or money, from making of manipulation the most rewarded skill, and richness as the circle of friend and family in a system that can only bring the likes of themselves to the top. Maybe I'm nearer the truth than I think, and probably it's what scares ego people the most; a spiritual philosopher of good dislodging the usurpers of the throne, and such a thing wouldn't fit well in this reality for sure...

I have nothing against close cropped or bald people, but that's how pressure selection work; only one type of person can become a pope, ego people systemize things for the like of themselves so they can shake hands and make friends, making of humanity a reflection of what they want, the selection that fits. I believe we become what we want in many facets; someday we'll be the monsters we take the means to become. We don't like long hairs on men? Then there will be less and less. We hate women and vice versa, compete against each other? Want equality? Then we'll grow more homosexuals and sexually "divergent" people. We want people as sex toys with a use? We like to profit from innocence? We'll grow more innocents and pedophiles. We want to develop our mind for manipulation competition or as an image thing? Then image will manipulate our minds to waste. While pressure selection sure give great results to form humanity, In my view of life all kind of things can become genetic too (so scientists can say it's normal and we can't do nothing about it), there are millions we can influence, think about that a minute and be traumatized of what you'll have in 10 000 years; humanity as a whole massive civilization is only a few thousand years old. Diversity you say? Diversity within the wrong ideology I say, then there is good diversity and bad one, then there is pressure selection... But don't worry, the worst mutation is already done, the one about morphing our mind in conflict with life...

So while long hairs don't become presidents, media people are brainwashing the whole planet to see beards as the next big thing, talking pilosity. I guess they'll call it a success when presidents all have a beard...probably the market is bigger than for shaving; beard implants, beard boosters, beard coloration, beard designers, beard disinfestant... in a superficial reality it may even come to be seen as what differentiate a male from a female, it's all a matter of beards! When psy science will recuperate its fuck-up by going back to basics, beard style, they'll find males there, they'll discover it's because we're primates who must compete over women, since that's in the path of the competition everything mentality that this reality have been pressure selecting humanity from the beginning, and why wouldn't women be happy to have men competing over their ass? Fuck love, it's a matter of spermatozoid competition, to fuck we must battle like insects over the woman! See, spermatozoids going for the egg is a sign of everything competition! But me I'm a loner spermatozoid, and I still want to fecundate, I think I don't even have the brain to see the other spermatozoids as competitors...It's just that me and my friends, the successful species in the universe, we evolve, we change, and we go a lot farther than primate competition in our mentality, sorry for your regressed state of mind, but maybe I should be sorry for the pressure from media people that is brainwashing women to see men with beards as super virile, and bald...Me? I can have a big beard if I want, but I prefer to expose my fine expressions, and having a beard makes my face too big. So I want a woman that finds men without beards more attractive, with long hairs, but I guess I'll have to find a tribe of primates without beards and with long hairs, these exist right? And they're more recent than primates, right? And they're nearer life in their mentality, right? Tribes that are not under the influence of media pressures, or more resilient, more independent, because, me, ant societies, I despise and destroy worse than vermin.

A lot of scientifically boasted facts and discoveries are not true truth or ending true in our unconscious, and the vast majority of these "false truths" for manipulation are about life. But it's not necessarily the fault of science, often personal media manipulations and twisted extrapolations are made by experts with limited factors taken into considerations, all kind of twisted to personal tastes pseudo-scientific affirmations are made, and that is not very good on credibility and on my opinion too.

My book is about life and that's why I'll often be on the back of experts, scientists and psy since I believe they are far from having a good idea of how life works; particularly human life and psychology. I get the impression that they already know everything about it, mostly because what ego gods want are ways to manipulate it, so they unconsciously make the situation come true where only one view or one system, a machine that will work for the selection made to fit it; a limited and manipulated humanity that can't look at its own truth while singing about the great changes they are always doing because they got a new gadget in their pocket or saw a wow show and a few photographs that proves everything; a lot of our knowledge, particularly of humans, is reality dependent, but I'll write more about that in the "Systematic Magic" Chapter (book). History can prove things? History has always been dependent from this reality. DNA proves things? DNA can be change over thousands of years (you didn't think of that one?). Now, I know that my opinion may be a justification for charlatans to discredit any science for some profit, but it is the way of this reality and there is no way out of it except to choose another one. This reality will never give people enough common sense, discernment or judgment to be free of charlatans whatever their forms, and too much skepticism, or looking at the reality as a whole, is suicidal, so go to the psy.

Apart from the testosterone and sperm production example among the vastness of PMBBD spread everywhere about life, are all kind of senseless and conflicting weird beliefs involving animals like saying dogs sniff cancers; if it was the case, you'd have them everywhere barking at people with cancer, and it would be far less costly for the best health care system of the world...Continuing with dogs, I read an article where a scientist said only dogs imitate humans while I can name many animals that do; the truth is that animals pass their time trying to imitate and act intelligent, particularly when we are around, they are jealous of us, they know we're doing all those colorful, square, gigantic and dangerous things, and we make heat, we make water, we make food in cute bags, they know that, and they try to understand, and I'm sure there are quite a few animals who understand more than many humans, they are just limited because of this or that.

Like dogs my cat imitate and can do all kind of tricks, he almost didn't meow when I bought it, and by meowing with him he developed a whole repertoire, almost a language, all from imitating and responding to my meowing; how's that for imitating? And he is far more independent at it, and what do you make of parrots? They imitate so much they talk! I have nothing against dogs, but soon dogs will be more precious than humans. I could say it is PMBBD to encourage people to have unconscious attitude associated to the dog hierarchy toward their masters they want to please at all cost, it would be why they've been made our best friends; the best friends of the human version of gods are dogs (god-dog) (good-dog is scary...), they want joyful and jumping, protective and obedient dogs. But probably "dog people" abandon less their pets, going with the mentality I would guess, or is it the superior investment in time and money? Probably...And cats are seen as more independent, so independence can be a facilitator for lousy caretakers to abandon more of them...

But I'm generalizing too much, anyway, why would I say that? Because bullshit always has a hidden agenda and it always grow an ego. From this knowledge it is easy to find some reasons behind it. Yet, all that can easily be overridden with enough consciousness. The reality situation of all animals on this planet will never get them to be more than a fraction of the total a human is; they'll have to pop up some more complete morphing before for sure, but that would amount to seeing life through the ego-gods ideal, the life-gods ideal seeks to minimize such separations, we are all interdependent, we are all a part of life and an insect can have more intelligence in some facets than a dog, or even us since life is an intelligence in itself and life forms are part of its senses; they are an extension of life among other things. But that's just my view, to which I'll add that life got many forms of intelligence; didn't I mention that a big brain is not a sign of intelligence?

One form of intelligence I particularly like is empathic intelligence I could say, which is very insignificant in ego people...That's the common point the person I most loved and my cat have. But isn't it proven that cats are heartless violent killers? My cat never killed anything even if she likes to play. She makes the difference between an object and a living being by herself. Next, she acts like her goal in life is to understand and please me, and isn't it why I bought her? I could write a lot more about my cat, but one thing's for sure, thanks to her intelligence she have a far smaller negative impact on life than most humans (calculated in good versus evil toward life advancement (she have a very positive effect on me for small negative needs, but it's far more complicated than this, like her effects are dependent from factors out of her control (Ex: I have no girlfriend to increase the good she can provide, since a cat is a human pet.), more in the "The Seat Of My Mind" chapter (book).

Furthermore, your responsibility in good and evil is proportional to your consciousness potential and potential to morph the world around you. I could say life intelligence in people is geared toward more respect and understanding of life and its interactions, thus their supreme entity should be life with the universe (I said "should" because life spirituality have been destroyed by profiteers, and the only person I have ever heard about who venerated life as the supreme entity is me, even if I'm sure there are more.), while an ego intelligence is geared toward self satisfaction and the circle directly related to the person, thus its supreme entity is an ego god as a human that control everything and possess everything (Life on the other hand only grew itself (you are a part of it) and only control or possesses its own related systems; isn't it insignificant beside an ego god? Well, no since the universe exists as the driving force of it, while a god is an extension of it too...As for good and evil, one of the biggest factor modifying its value is truth, if bullshit wins the human, then life will be left with nothing; it will fail with us.

We should stop saying this or that animal is "nearer" us too, or an ancestor; the way I see things, which is as credible as any scientific view, is that life is systemized to develop diversity from bases. The chimpanzee "birthed" the human because it was ready as a base and its reproduction was stable; in a sense, the chimpanzee, which is far from the king of the jungle, existed in part to birth things like us, like the wild turkey gave existence to the international turkey. I could even say that much may have been manipulated to permit the chimpanzee to exist as a base, but I don't see it as our ancestor, it didn't evolve to become us, it stayed the chimpanzee, or I can reproduce with my ancestors but not if he looks like a chimp...

Apart from that, for those still embarked in the cats vs dogs competition, the fact remains that you can't compare an apple with an orange except at a very basic level; form. Both are animals dependent from you, the rest is all differences. Furthermore, it's cheap to judge negatively (except personally and when witnessing a push in publicity or from reality) someone for tastes, or needs, which don't affect others negatively (very important), besides, in my experience most people can change, but it's mostly dependent from the point of view they are able to see things through, and that in turn is dependent from consciousness and control of ego. Finally, I think most people understand that having a personal animal is no small decision, but if so, then why are there millions of them abandoned each years? Again it's because they are born for ego reasons, they're a business and the abandoned most likely reflect the pressure to sell. Evidently that's less of a problem for sensitive people, but many scientists have nothing of that. Personally I like cats better because they lick you less and they sound and smell better to me, they're more relax, need less care, and they don't act like you're their master; they act like they're with you, like they are independent even if they are dependent, and this is a big difference. But dogs are ok, it's just that I always see them as having a job, that's how I like dogs.

And I never embarked on this pet as family member thing, I never believed I could "love" them enough to reproduce with them, and those low enough to try failed. For me a human family is composed of one type of life-form only; humans. A pet can be a family pet and nothing more. This push to make them your children is twisted PMBBD from pet food industrials creating hype to have everybody with pets until there are a trillion of them abandoned in streets, family members, like an industrial production of gadgets ending-up in the garbage after a few years, most of which will end up in total tortuous misery because most people have a consciousness taken in front of a screen, or should I say they lack life intelligence?

And a dog jumping at me to lick my mouth is dead! Stop producing food for that one, whatever it is proven scientifically they are pure and all, whatever after making them family members, we must "love" to French kiss them; if only publicists had the right to PMBBD people to have sex with dogs they'd be still happier eh! And it's not pets I have a problem with, it's publicists; I have a 10 years old pet, and it is far more valuable to me than any lying and manipulating industrial or publicist... But I know it's always my problem, I'm not infinitively compassionate, "peaceful" and "loving" and tolerating....Never let your out of control pub brainwash of a family member jump near my face, I'll call it an assault, and nobody touched my mouth in many years and it's not your animal that will do it! I would not even kiss my children on the mouth, my mouth is a true love affair, not a pub making device.

I know scientists are only half the story, they have some responsibility in the amount of PMBBD thrown to masses, but they are not the full story for sure, I could even say they're mostly ok; it is pseudo experts with an air who are the main problem and the biggest part is done through television contortions of truth with a never ending show of manipulated images (which includes movies). In my corner we have a very high suicide rate, I never heard a scientist say it is because of evolution, yet, I heard media experts shoot this bullshit quite a few times, they say it is because things evolve too fast for some people. For them it is a question of evolution, everything is allright, it is just that there are retarded people, and them, experts, are evolved, everybody on TV is, and if you don't accept, tolerate, or adapt to this reality, it is because you are retarded. The reality is allright, it's just "natural" selection! Natural selection my ass! There is a difference between conscious actions and unconscious ones... (Anyway, I'll explain in the "Life Infinite" chapter (book) how the concept of natural selection is wrong or incomplete, or proves we unconsciously see life with the universe as the ultimate entity) Pressure selection from media people in big part I call it, and it is a selection made to profit the best manipulators. Manipulators and profiteers made this reality, their attitude is the most rewarded, they are happy in it, so that's why television spread such things, it's full of manipulators. They made the laws that way too since they have the liberty to use PMBBD on masses, something good people don't like to do.

We'll have to find a way to be far more effective in fighting evil, like mass manipulations meant to profit from people or cultivate innocence through disinformation, or systemized unfairness. Presently we defend these things which mostly are the true cause of the crimes perpetrated by those ending-up in prison or suicided. Our work against evil is either neutral in effect or helping it, and we are losing since it is only limited by laws while I'm limited by many other good principles. Unfairly rich manipulators and profiteers have the liberty to use PMBBD on masses to the point humanity got most of its brain geared toward manipulating others? Then I want the liberty to squash them without going to prison, no police protection, no investigation, they just have to protect themselves with the means they took, I want this liberty, I want the police off for anybody who gets an unfair amount of means from using PMBBD on masses, including singers (some do, not all). Why do you think we're submerged in it? Because it doesn't work? No, it is because it works, why do we say "the (insert singer here) effect is real"? That's how they made a selection to fit their ideal, and they totally succeeded since I'm overwhelmed 1 to billions. Sure, nobody would be sufficiently stupid to encourage me in this path, but what of it if you give me a chance to fight my enemies? I'll die immediately, too late, find people with my mentality, just try (don't categorize me too fast with psy bullshit, read my whole work before thinking I'm a classic mental problem).

While not forgetting that the title of this chapter is "Psychological PMBBD", I'll add that sometimes even humor, sarcasm and poesy can contain PMBBD pub. I like humor, so I will never say humor is "bad", but the same way some bad poets hide a PMBBD message behind pretty words and phrasing, some humorists do it with humoristic words and phrasing for the same result; you spend most of your brain energy and skill decoding the first message finding yourself intelligent and getting ready for the next laugh, with the result that you have an easier tendency to accept the under meaning as truth. They're like the minds behind publicity, trying to sell indirectly their point of view. It's like a manipulation technique used for brainwash, and you could compare it to "the door in the face" manipulation technique I think, but more complex and twisted; the goal is to get people to accept more easily an already existing view that is not expressed directly so the sender can say he is not responsible for helping it to be more strongly implanted in the unconscious of people; it is you that is making a paranoia, go to the psy and let humorist and their fans have their liberties on masses. You may have a bad feeling at worse but we're never there for those, unless someone decides to push the appropriate switch...and you better never say their humor is bad, it is you that don't have a sense of humor; if you're normal you're supposed to laugh, it's psy therapy, and drink their messages, humorist are super hot! I could say a lot of artists do it, but I don't want to generalize since most artists express their things without trying to sell a twisted vision. It is the difference between respect and disrespect. Trying to sell bullshit as facts by hiding it behind pretty or funny things is not part of how I like to see things for sure. That's my opinion, whatever some gremlins will go nuts and attack me saying I want a boring world, like happiness is dependent from humorists having the freedom of saying and twisting anything for the precious (paid for) laugh which is supposed to make us live longer "they" say, even if that sounds quite depressing to me. In fact, since humorists are excellent manipulators, they'll probably try to put the responsibility of their lack of humor on people who find them not funny by saying that when you start being careful humor disappears, while in truth it is them who have exhausted their style or are not funny anymore and all they have left is evil humor.

I'm generalizing, so I'll repeat that I like humor, it's just that I have more advanced or complex tastes, ok? Some levels of satire is excellent too, but I say you still don't have the right to say all you want, and you are under the same laws of good and evil about PMBBD as anyone else. It is not because people like to laugh that joking should become a tool to spread your suggestive opinions as truths, because it is my opinion that most stage humorists truly think most of what they try to spread, and they have one inflated opinion of themselves, like they're humble gods or something. Some are even racist or sexist and it is evident even if they hide it under the "satire" fourre-tout, but I won't generalize too much since I often make satire jokes (to myself). Still, I must repeat the word "masses", that's where I use my critical judgment. I could say I have all kind of entities around me, they represent a "mass" that I'm proud of, but you can see them as my consciousness. But alone I have nothing against a place, like a bar or an auditorium etc, where I can listen to any weird humor, as long as the pub is well categorized. There's a place and a way for almost anything.

As for the bullshit some will throw to defend their liberties to stuff masses with bullshit, saying that I just have to skip listening to it if it doesn't please me, then answer me how am I supposed to know if it doesn't please me or if it is evil or bad for my children if I don't listen to it to form my own opinion? What is meant for masses is meant for me, and for anybody who can be far more easily manipulated than me. So whatever the twisted argument you use, when you communicate with masses you are imposing something to masses, and PMBBD (as a negative or disrespectful or evil thing) is not at its place there. Why do you think exhibitionism is illegal? You think you should have the right to do what you want with your body and flash your sex attributes to masses? And if I'm offended then it is my fault because I didn't close my eyes fast enough? Why is it illegal while it is legal to have bars full of nude people? For the exact same reasons PMBBD on masses should be illegal. So if you have the liberty to do it, then I should have the liberty to fight you, respect good people! But you'll say I'm doing evil censorship. Would you say the same if I kicked an exhibitionist in the nuts? (I'm imposing censorship on evil yeah!). Ah, I forgot, libertine people and those who can't sexually appreciate a human being through time (love) will go kaput if I start talking about sex, they want a monopoly on the subject... isn't it strange that as soon as someone have a saner view of sexuality and start talking about his opinion about what the media project he is immediately attacked about his mental or sexual integrity? Like he's mentally sick, or he's a retard, or he's got a small dick, or he doesn't have sex, or better, they'll say it's art! If I don't close my mouth and tolerate, accept and adapt, it's because I can't appreciate art! Or I'm looking too hard finding sex under-meanings where there are none, but...but isn't that what art is all about?

To go back to mass PMBBD, before you say it is impossible to control such a thing, I'll add that there isn't even a need for censorship if it is put at its right place, and that's how you control it. You understand that? My problem is mass distribution of PMBBD, why do you absolutely want the whole world to watch or listen to it? Why can't a basis of normality exist? (Doesn't mean it should be dictated or unchangeable) Why can't masses have fun following an ideal of good? Or love? Why can't they dream of a paradise? Because evil don't want any of that, it would go nuts in jealousy over everything, it would continually lament and cry about liberty, after all, evil is not at its place in a paradise, like me that is not at its place in hell...(Would you mind thinking seriously about this? Really, no innocence to manipulate, no girls running after you, no mountains of money and luxury for you, etc. etc. etc. What a boring world!). You can have all what you want if your goal is not to get more adepts to an abnormal path or scrap their idealism. You want homosexuality accepted? No problem, but don't try to manipulate others to it with under meanings in movies or music targeted at masses, just categorize it for those who will seek it because they want it by themselves. The same for anything that can create a negative dependence, I'm not talking entertainment, or encourage "risky" attitudes could fit, you want the good old days of the ku Klux clan? Maybe not, but you want to sniff (that sounds so bad...) cocaine in open "nudism" parties? No problem! Do I complain about dance or gay bars? No, they are fine to me. A racism bar wouldn't disturb me if it categorized well its pub (I know it wouldn't work, some are racist for fun because they understand differences are what makes races, others are too stuck in the ego superiority competition and they are dangerous, or need to learn or grow-up), no problem with a cocaine bar doing the same too, but I'm not saying these are good ideas, just that you can do a lot of things if you don't impose publicity or encourage others to your lewd activities. I want the same kind of attitude (it's not very hard) for mass reaching PMBBD. I hope all of you who will want to tag me negatively for my opinions on sex or mass PMBBD will remember this paragraph, because I'll do, and I'll stuff it in your face until you remember every time you look in the mirror, learn it by heart, I'm sick of fighting the arguments of all the bizarre who think humanity is a place for their manipulation competition of who will win the most people to their divergent ways. Finally, as I'll prove in the "Life Reality" chapter (book) the system can be made to discourage or encourage any attitude, but evidently in an ego reality, you wouldn't discourage ego or evil manipulators from trying to manipulate masses to their views, since the system is made to value this skill as a priority, and the best at it are at the top...

The ablative form of bullshit could be called shut-up or final argumentation. It is another form of manipulation lies. There are lies which are simple on-off things, bullshit that is more complex and worse than lies and there is shut-up argumentation which uses bullshit, lies, preconceptions, facts that are out of context and any other tools available like strength, prestige, or status, whatever. It is used to intimidate or close mouths by any means necessary in a fast conversation so as to place the user in a position of supreme knowledge or superiority; it is an appropriation of the power of communication, a bit like saying "I do what I want with my body!" (Like tying a bomb on it to blow-up your girlfriend's party? mmm, that example was no good, only a very moron socialization circle would not find a quick rebuke to that one...) A lot of psy are using it unconsciously because it is easier for them with their bibles full of preconceptions and the temptation is greater by the situation and advantages of their job. I could say it always existed so it's nothing extraordinary, it's just that people see intelligence where they want under the form they want and in the competitive situation this reality developed added to the bag of new mental problems, a lot doubtful, then using the stuff has become far more popular. Shut-up or final argumentation is often intermixed with bullshit and often you can't tell the difference but you mainly know it is used when someone tries to control conversation or to end a subject or conversation with a big generality or change subject by an attack to the integrity of a non-conformist. They will use words or sentences to divert conversation out of a touchy subject to turn it personal like they have to win something, it's a matter of personalities, why you shouldn't question their wisdom, your brain is not fine, or it's time for humor, and they usually leave no space for doubt in their affirmations, or the fact that the subject is closed.

They will use words to de-context a judgment action and impose self-doubt in others to put them in a position of inferiority or frustration while giving the illusion they are superior. In fact, most of the time they do not even try to know if what they said is true, they just seize an opportunity to hurt someone, or they don't explore the true meaning of many of the words they use in their "wisdom"; they are just tools giving an effect. They are fond of words that forces others to the defensive, attacking the integrity of the person or that can close an argument by quickly diverting attention, making it more difficult for the person to finish a point on a subject, when it's not simply used to gain the last word. The worst is when they suddenly suggest you're a psychopath or you sound narcissist while they're the ones with a self-inflated attitude, but they aint got the guts to simply say they don't like you or you're an asshole, they need to justify with brain words, because it's more socially acceptable. Then you got to defend, and it's kind of easy to find hints of psychopathy or narcissism in this reality, and if you're a narcissist then you're bad, but if you have a complex of inferiority you're not. It's safer to throw words like that in a heated conversation like it's a proof of something, than saying the person is self-inflated... It's almost like a last resort word used like ultimate intelligence by people who want to invalidate judgment in others, it puts any attitude, whatever the argument, that question other people's use of their ego, or unconsciousness, on the bag of mental disorders; another defense for ego reality so I'm sure to be, and I heard it a few times.

I personally don't give a shit about narcissism, I give a shit about self-inflated people and that's all I need to get myself understood... You can get the tag because you point out at the true stupidity of someone too; there are people who are entirely worth a laugh or a blast of insults, the whole selection is worth a stretch of insult for their accepting, tolerating and adapting attitude to anything as long as it is publicized on TV! Do I have the right to try waking them up without getting the narcissist or sociopath tag? I'm bad if I describe attitudes that are bad to life and the future and some feel concerned? As they bring humanity to failure I should finish things up by protecting their susceptibility from the truth? This sparing of susceptibilities attitude lower the chances at waking up people to their true situation in your opinion while it gives a false image of yourself and creates bullshit, uncertainty and wrong judgment, since there is never enough of that in this reality, but it gives the image that the person expressing itself is admirable while the one saying the truth is a bad narcissist.

Then they'll try to confound people who have a better intelligence with self-inflation, while the society continually categorizes people from IQ tests selection...When you act or think differently you have no choice, when judging others (even animals judge others), to compare them to your own knowledge and success at having a different attitude, and if your conclusion is that you're better close your mouth and stay tranquil in your corner not to reap hostility, then you'll develop a sociopath style, and even then people will come to you to ask your opinion, because, you know, you're not tranquil for nothing...You either say you aint got the brains, adapt and tolerate, so you're not a narcissist, or you express it, becoming a narcissist (in this situation). Or still, you manipulate and modify the truth of your opinion making it bullshit, not to end up a narcissist.

These word has been twisted by manipulators to become used widely at all sauces, they put many people on the defensive while they should not, they should have been a weapon in my pocket, but instead they ended-up as weapons against me. The truth is that I'm different and that's all, I have personality, I have independence, and this reality and its dependent selection simply can't tolerate that, it must absolutely demonize tranquil people by trying to confound lack of social needs with narcissism or sociopathy, then when you eventually revolt against all the psy bullshit it's because you have a problematic attitude, probably narcissism mixed with sociopath stuff.

And judging people is not only normal, it's an obligation; it takes one hell of a brainwashed person to say we must not judge others and one hell of an ego reality to try to make people think that! You have to do it to have an opinion of someone and you will do it whatever you want it or not since if you don't do it consciously then it's your unconscious that will do it, and it's exactly what this reality wants. That's why your religion tells you not to judge others; it doesn't want independently conscious people, it want to control everything, even consciousness, so they'll suggest it is "evil" to judge people, that way you'll accept the unconscious track implanted by the reality, peace, tolerance, acceptance, adaptation; be a brainwashed worker that defend an unfair reality. And you'll do it with all kind of twisted arguments you made your mind out of because it helps you persevere in the track you think is good. So don't judge! Unless you want to become frustrated, ugly and unhappy fighting emptiness until you end-up a sarcastic narcissist sociopath that missed the "forever innocent" (young) revolution! Even love can't exist without judging people, it is one of the greatest and most necessary skills and we must always practice it, negatively as much as positively, read that over; "negatively".

The best manipulators and profiteers are admired, they are not seen as narcissist while they are the most narcissists of all, and what they accept as a worth for themselves is a tangible proof of that, so what's wrong? You can decapitate a person to apply a hundred such words if you want, and write a book on each of them to hide the basic ego under a suicidal pile of complexity, illusions, bumps, skin spots and mirror effects to displace ugliness from the true monsters. Narcissism, like many other words which have been twisted by manipulators should be eliminated from a vocabulary worse than swearing. But they are perfect and necessary for this reality of manipulators, so instead of being eliminated they are encouraged and with PMBBD it's a great success since many such words did not exist in my youth, or were not used, and now I hear them regularly. All in the name of making an infinitively tolerating population for the most unfair people to reign eternally, since it is not them who get such tags; when was the last time you heard a "powerful" get the tag of megalomaniac? Why it is me who is at the very bottom of the pyramid that get tagged with it? Is that twisted enough for you? It is actually upside down! And when did you hear about a poor doing philanthropy?

And who said we shouldn't judge other people negatively? That we should do it from the situation they are in? But then what about the list of tags? Who invented the stuff to qualify people acting this way or that as this or that? Who is judging people to such an extent? Scientists of psychology! As for judging people from their context, that's what I'm doing at the most extreme level, empathy, but it doesn't mean everybody is good and everything must be pardoned and everybody should have the liberty of doing what they want from the stupid argument that if I was in his place I'd do the same thing...or worse, surely not better!

So who am I to judge other people actions? I don't know, a guy? And you, I can kill this whole planet and who are you to judge my actions? It's just a shame that this "judgment" thing, a fundamentally good and human critical function, can be twisted to and fro in any inside-out contortions by evil PMBBD, so don't tell me your opinion, it is lost in your judgment disinformation. Who do you want judging things in your reality that cover the earth anyways? Your politicians? You're already doing it and they're leadershipping you in the hole with their economic judgment so the option is out of the equation, Gods? Not there, Hockey players? Singers? Nudists? Publicists? Opinion polls? All out, even if opinion pools could have some value in another reality. So I don't know, and if I don't know such a thing in this evolved reality, then it means my judgment is the one to decide, and since your supreme superior not interested in making a cleanup, then it will be me that will set the base of that judgment. Then you'll somewhat follow the basic line I'll draw in this book in understanding to develop a new way and you'll have a far better chance to become a universal force, I have that pretention. Not only that, but it may be the last chance at redemption the daemons and gremlins of this hell who can't learn the skill of doing things fairly will have, why? Because we're not at the black plague epoch anymore, people can have the information to develop themselves in a far better way, if knowledge, introspection, philosophy and spirituality is not the last of their priority, or surface bullshit to paint themselves a fake personality. I'm an example of someone that started at the very bottom, so unless you tell me I'm superior or the son of gods, then make a true effort too.

Ah, but you will be judged at the height you judged others! Jesus said it! Another religious bullshit to manipulate people in insignificance; they must not develop a negative opinion of others, only positive, unless they probably end-up in hell! And what attitudes profit the most from this? Bad.

A big part of what form good judgment is the ability to split the pear fairly (not equally...), you got to think of others, but it is as important to do it versus your experience which is important to form adequate judgment, since if I have to do everything the other person does, if I'd have to be this person to judge her, then I would act like her and there wouldn't be a use for judgment. So shut-up with your great psychology, I'm a different person that would act in a different manner in the same situation, and that's what everybody do when judging others, they got to compare their probable actions to the ones of another person in the same situation, that way the good differences spread. Furthermore, even if the person is not capable or in a situation to be a reflection of the ideal, you judge to know if you could do better, or if something or someone is good enough to you. And that's what I do with this book, at all levels; I'll judge this reality to know if it is good enough, if I can do better, the same for people because they make the reality, and do they have the potential for something better?

That is one pacification argument of religions too, the one saying that everybody is your brother and that we should "love" everybody. I really think that I am everybody, or if you prefer, I carry such a thick coat of the empathy sauce that I really think I could have been almost anybody on earth, yes because of empathy, but because I look at the truth of myself and understand how one's life events can unfold. So when people judge others as evil or criminal for this action or that, and that they would never do such a thing, impossible, I really see things differently because I know to what extent external factors can influence people's lives, which is in big part why I'm against most of psy science. I don't think I would act in the same manner in the same situation because I was born differently, but I understand that I could have committed 90% of what this reality sees as evil or criminal given I lived a more extreme version of the problems the person have been through. I easily could have killed, I'm sure of that, or I could have fallen more easily than most to some activities; I know for one that I could have become a junkie in my youth, and what would have been my future? Or I could have been hit by a truck and lost half my brains... Now what stopped all that is that I decided to live consciously to the maximum of my abilities, to gain decision power over my life, and the end result is the same; I acted differently even if I understand that I could be anybody, because I have chosen to act differently and sustained the effort until some actions became inconceivable to me. Some will say this goes against my vision of destiny, but it's not the case, the amalgam of genetics and situation that happened around my birth still make me more competent in some spheres of my development, I really don't think my greatest competence and happiness potential is at being a transvestite...

As for manipulators using shut-up argumentation, the only way to go over it is to grow a bigger ego since superficial people will confound it for some sort of charisma, particularly if the guy is strong with famous people's quotation that sound intelligent, or good or nice, but which are total bullshit to the truly intelligent person, it's like humorism. There are always exceptions, but it is often an evident reflection of a failed adulthood; the user never stopped being a baby. But contrary to babies, which have some future potential at controlling their ego, they have almost totally lost this potential, and now it is the right moment for painful punitions, but they'll call the police (mama). Like a child saying "the one saying it is the one that is" they use all kind of such bullshit to shut-up the ones they fear.

And what will you say to god when he starts judging you as the inferior you're supposed to be? Tell him he's a narcissist? And when he'll be flabbergastingly corked by your insult, what will you say to finish him off? He who do not answer consent? And if he start to explain to you the precise use of the word? Well, I'll stop this here...but he better look in your eyes when you talk to him, too.

Shut-up argumentation in groups will often surface if someone shows clues of strong individuality versus a group of people sharing enough properties of ego. If you haven't used the pyramidal hierarchy system of the reality to prove yourself or expose an ego that can be "fitted", it will be used to separate, alienate, invalidate, control, brainwash even destroy altogether a "free" or "good" individual, if he fails doing it himself. It is mainly used by the lower to medium levels of the pyramids but it serves the higher levels because it is part of the selection and categorization process. It eliminates (minimize) risky personalities by making them an enemy (someone with a problem) until this person either break or bend (or becomes an artist). It makes the biggest ego show-off too. The exception gets bashed, the biggest ego climbs a pyramid step, and the admiring followers reproduce. It encourages a very large base of unconscious workers with gaping flaws in their personalities or whatever others human skills through heavy socialization. The pyramids need lots of people who can do lots of basic jobs and experts at this or that and scientists of this or that and psy of this or that, all on full pride with personal problems displaced by their contorted ego. They will never be a threat to the pyramids, they'll even think they're good for just having a job and be proud of it; everybody is good in their own situation...

All this is a vague view, it's not a precise thing you see in every groupings, it is just a general idea of another slight modifier, one of many, which contributes to force unconsciously a selection based on ego competition to the point that all you can do is choose from this gang or that, with a similar mentality or structure as the pyramids of control. The lower you are the more people can control you or profit from you, and the inferior levels, the inferior race, are people with dependence and manipulation parameters who can be controlled with nationalism, religions, and a panoply of other such low level bullshit learned at school, on television, on the internet, in songs, in national hymns, books and many more.

The decision was made that everybody had a price and they created the situation where it became true; the perfectly manipulated selection, from the bottom to the top, with the structure to keep it that way. So perfected in fact that they can't see themselves as manipulated, brainwashed, controlled or dependent since most of the effort is made by themselves; a little bit in their total is the best concession you'll get (Probably the part they did not work to do themselves, ego oblige...) Could it be otherwise? Try to fight and you'll realize there will always surface a speech "god" with the qualities of charisma to assemble the throngs of already conquered or weak people to his side, transmitting to groups upon groups his arguments that you are "bad" based on half-truths (or bullshit). If they can't protect themselves that way in the light of someone with a fighting chance at their game, then a good old death and destruction of evidence will do.

But that's not enough for those who like this reality to impose nothingness to people who don't like it; they have to spit on them too, they have to harass them continually; they are lazy, they have this psy problem or that, they profit from the system, they need measures and so on. They are the first backs on which all problems are dumped, and when they go berserk or when they die of overdose, they get still more insults. Do you think there would be so much revolt in my writings if people truly had an independent consciousness instead of taking their mind on TV or the internet? If they controlled their ego? If I was considered justly? Oh, I'm such a pity; there are people in worse situations than me you know...that's shut-up argumentation all right, and using a disgusting, like most, form of competition; who is the champion of suffering? Always the same song; the gang controlling lodging sings "the price of lodging is not that high because if you compare to this other place, you'll see we are not paying as much!", the gang controlling and profiting from electricity sings "the price of electricity is not that high because if you compare to this other place, you'll see we are not paying as much!", so, "You are not such a pity because if you compare to another place, you're rich and living in luxury!", so close your mouth, adapt, accept, tolerate because there is always, always someone worse than you, always something more or less expensive. It could apply to movies too; many people will wait until they are on the verge of death, or until a cataclysm is evident, before reacting because their mind is set to compare reality to movies unconsciously; things aren't that bad when we compare to this movie or that portraying a ridiculous or unrealistic image of the future or how things could develop! Yeah, and you can bet reality will never reach such visions...

The same applies to the difficult situations people lived through, whatever they are based on a true story or not (you can base a lot of bullshit from a true story...), they become like justification to prove that you shouldn't lament over your situation. But that works for anything, like you can compare any difficulties someone live through to a guy that almost died climbing the Everest, competition of suffering oblige...So yes I'm lucky not to live through all the difficulties every human being had to reach their status, yes you may work harder than me, yes some people died sacrificing, but I'm not you and what I do is different, my goals are different, and it doesn't take much of a mind to understand that, so stop inflating yourself over a competition of different things and attitudes that can't compare, or I'll answer that your ego dreams led you to work hard to adapt to hell, to find your place in it, encouraging it, I worked hard fighting it, never finding my place in it...Finally, go ahead, do my job if you want to compare, you'll probably die a lot faster, from assassination or suicide...

Well, you're talking to a fighting man here. I'm among the least manipulated, brainwashed and dependent (from this reality) persons who still got his independent strength of will on this whole planet, and I am the only one I know not encouraging this reality by spending my energy in it. You want to put me in the same category as those ex potential fighters to whom the strength of will have been successfully stolen or controlled, or dispersed? And now, because I told you I was some kind of exceptional person (which is worth nothing), a few of you will even try to blow that away from me by suggesting it's not my fault if I'm like this, it's because of my past, and then you'll add to clean your reputation that if I had your past I'd react like you...I'll answer that at around 24 you're supposed to be an independent person; you failed in a reality you "love"; bad for you. I succeed in a reality I hate; good for me. Yes our past have an influence on our future but never to the extent of eliminating self-control. I am 32 and I've taken control of my life long ago; I decide for myself within a basis concerning everybody, if you don't do that, you are not an adult; grow up or too bad for you if you feel targeted by my arguments. OH! Almost forgot that if I take possession and control my own life it's because I must have a mental problem, but don't worry, I know what I should control and what I should not, which is probably not your case...

What counts is what you are in the reality, the person I am is dictated by the actions I do in reality; it is not the supposition of how I am that's the truth of me, it is what I really am. So you can say as much as you want that I'm hiding the truth of me, if this truth never shows itself in reality, minimally by my paroles, then you are lying. I became what I became and you became what you became, this is no ground for comparison, I don't act like you and that's all. You can't justify your failures by transfer or displacement to someone else, if you want to justify do it with your reality and see what happens to your "love" for it. However, it is true that if I had been anything else than what I am, I'd never have had what it take to be me, no scientist or expert or psy or politician could do it, only someone profiting from the system like me. Who said to never underestimate inferior people?

You're (controlling ego people) scared to drop the PMBBD and give people a decent basis for living because you know you'd lose a big slab of the workforce you are exploiting. You know many young people would grow fighting this reality vigorously, even if they don't have a replacement (except ridiculous projects like Venus). And it may be in part because some people are lazy it would happen, so what? (Does laziness truly exists in a healthy mind? maybe the will to escape an unsatisfactory reality can be a big factor in laziness) At least more people would have the strength to live a long time without becoming ghosts or criminals, selling less drugs causing less dependences, thinking more, taking their time finding love and living it well, having some interesting activities, they would be less forced to live fast, doing less stupid things, more consciousness.

There are people who could do tremendous good if they were left out of profiting pressures, but this reality "waste" those people as evil by forcing them to survival and self-esteem problems. You'd get most of them back around 25 but some would reach 30 as independent humans with all their strength of will and you are scared of this; you don't want too many revolutionaries you can't control... Anyway, you'll never do this since you'd lose too much profit from people relaxing and from readjusting the whole pyramid of pay to make it more interesting at the lower levels, or you'll find better ways to manipulate and exploit. With a valid replacement reality it could easily lead to civil war, and because such a reality can be invented and can appear on paper anytime, you will fear giving a decent basic standard of living; you will keep it a struggle of hate, frustration, violence, drugs, alcohol, garbage sex, and total loss of will.1/2

I could give some kind of more complex theory or speech as to why this is a big part of the way this reality works, but we are not in an epoch where a "nobody" like me can suppose such things; people already have too many theories intermixed with PMBBD, religion and sects, and they want experts at it, doing it on television preferably, me? I'm not carrying pride and self-esteem like a pro, I ate my 'nails all my life, never had money and I'm good at getting my butt kicked; all that doesn't work to get credibility. But there is this part of me protesting and saying I'm all right, that I just make my way in an unusual manner, and I fight with all my strength because I know I'm worth it. That's what I do, my past was hell, my present is hell, and I want, and I'll have, my stroll in peace and sense. I'm set with the goal that never another potential me live my life since for me, living through this modern 2000 epoch has been a profoundly depressing, discouraging, deceptive, even suicidal experience, and I don't feel alone at that, for one thing.

Yes I'm a problematic citizen of this reality, I don't like it, never did, I'm revolted, from youth to adulthood. That's how I feel and I never made a depression, even if psy will try to make me believe otherwise because I've been suicidal in my youth; if my mind thinks about death I don't see it as a sickness, sorry, I see it as being too good a person. Anyway, I'd feel sick to laugh continually in this reality. For now I feel out-worldly but well, and my health seems to be stable. Yet, just for the fun of making analogies, I should always be careful unless a priests (psy) of the democracy-capitalism business runs to tell me, indirectly, respectfully, comprehensively (like priests) that I'm wrong (like Judas I think or is it Jean? The one that didn't believe...). They'll look in their books (bible) for a suitable description of my anomaly and once they feel secure in their knowledge of human behavior (like religions), they'll say I have a mental disorder and try to exorcise the hell out of me with scary words like psychopathy, neuropathy, sociopathy, megalomania, schizophrenia, etcetera. All is missing is dyslexia and it should be enough to scare the daemon outta me. Then I'll have to pay tribute for his wisdom. If I try to explain how I see things differently, while more of his "help" will cost me more money, the good priest will tell me he sees things differently, but he respect my opinion (is it respect? It is his respect, it is my opinion, it is his science and books; maybe he shouldn't make the effort of expressing his respect. Anyway, you can see respect as some kind of expression for fear in a lot of users, or susceptibility in others, or ego...).

What I want to say is that, even if there are fairly good psy and I'm exaggerating a little, most are indirect preachers; one will preach tolerance, another one will preach forgiving, the next will preach abandoning, the last one will preach forgetting, whatever; your choice. But for me, all those are contortion of the psyche since they divert the problem away from the true source; energy gest displaced, conflicting pressures increases, energy sips away, potential knowledge from exploration slowly disappears while evil increases. But I can't talk about your subject, I ain't got a diploma, I can only listen...and yes! I respect...your effort at doing whatever you do.

Once I bow to their wisdom and soothing paroles and take another rendezvous, that way I can go home with their benediction and probably a bottle of chemicals which I'll get from his pharmacist friend; maybe I'll even pay for a placebo! (holy water or an Ostia). It will permit them to fill their quotas with the pharmaceuticals industry and get a free trip somewhere, probably in one of those many countries where young prostitution is easily available and respect this reality's money and is ready to do anything for a bit of it, like many priest dream of doing (the batch of virgins in the sky is not much better). Did I go too far? Did I forget the bumming for money somewhere?

They want to see their version of happy people, which look something like you must be "yourself" and do anything you want as long as you listen to authority, or fit in the economy, or don't try to change things, or don't become yourself, or whatever bullshit. They absolutely refuse to see their reality as the major cause for the unhappiness of most of their patients. Furthermore, for them, being stable revolted is a sign of a mental problem. They follow the example of publicized sucesses, so their job is to get everybody to work with a smile (feel better) in this reality, which is a costly smile for many, but when we pay for something we want a result, so we're as well smile, that way we didn't waste the money (could apply to this book (s); people are not proud of wasting money from wrong decisions so they have a tendency to embellish what they spend money on (unless there are many people around who have been had too), so they are harsher with what they got free since they can't feel bad for wasting their money, they just tried something...).

Don't forget psy, like priests, help victims of war; they don't talk against war itself, if I start a freak-out show about war and the showers of blood I've taken from killing young innocents in others countries, they're likely to come at me saying "talk to me about your problem with war young man.", and I'll end-up with a mental disorder called PSTD. I'll get out of it in big part by dumping my responsibility on people not born (the unknown). Like priests, there are many psy in the army and they they're as good as civilian ones at getting people back on track, the murder track if it's a legal aspect of society, while the other side of the mouth will suggest that violence is a bad expression for your problems, but they sure won't say it directly since they'd become inconsistent...

The successes they will be the proudest of will be for someone like me to get a job (so I encourage this reality in its path), socialize (so I can come to follow the trends and expose my external brainwash by un-inhibition through the drinking of some alcohol in moderation), slow down on the thinking and judgment thing (so they can control and canalize, while keeping their monopoly of human understanding), and fuck around as much as I can unless I find a woman to marry (to have a maximum of chances to make children to fill the world to the top with jobbers tax payers because the philosophy of their leaders is more people = the economy turning more). I don't want to do any such things, far from it, so if I'm unhappy it's my fault, I don't listen to them, and if I get brainwashed into pseudo-happiness it's because their reality is soo good...

It is the responsibility of the ones in contact with a regular filed problem to express it and put pressure on to the appropriate structure, or fight like a man in the best scenario. Psy play with the personal problems of people, they're the best placed to witness what's going on with people so it's their responsibility to be the initiators of appropriate changes in a lot of things. And I don't care your grand scale justifications, you've got everything to act and you never did, it's me, the one supposedly with the whole package of your mental disorders, who has to do it, so what's wrong here? And it should not be my problem if the reality doesn't listen, or doesn't work like that, it's your reality, you patch, you give pills and encouragements then get your money or a glorifying show on TV and good bye! Well, there are psy who care with some competence, but a lot are making a brain or feeling powertrip, or they're there for the profits or to do the benevolent savior. Anyway, you're used to that, and my opinion is worth nothing; you got a system to follow to the letter good man, and you better not revolt!

Like many gangs who like to spread their responsibilities everywhere else, psy rarely take that aspect or responsibility that comes with their job, I'd say it's understandable to some extent, they do a mentally difficult job and they are not in an adequate reality to waste time on these things, but most simply don't care, not responsible since it's the system, they're just doing your job, like all the selection, one where you can have an illusion of consciousness, you're such a savior! But in truth many are just profiting from the fact most people need to know someone is like them or that they're normal, that there is a name to their problem, a classic you can heal, so you stuff them with your wisdom, or tell them that, yes, they are normal, just a normal problem.

Maybe these professions should reconsider the godly opinion they have of themselves because what I see is not a success but mediocrity at best. As for people, they should open their eyes and fight this reality inadequacy a little instead of crying peacefully in front of psy or priests, this reality will never become humanly better or heal its sicknesses if people always bow to anything except if it's direct in the account, while displacing their frustrations at home only to end-up crying in front of psy or priests for a pass go confessional! But who got the weapons? Who controls? Who decides the punition you'll get from pinching, hard enough to be noticed, your "loved" reality? Closed institutions for you and open ones for those who listen to psy!

Psy professions are not much of a success, a bit better than religions. It may not be much apparent just yet, but it will become apparent when people will be hatefully divided in all kind of gangs for an incomprehensible mess (hell). Is that what your great knowledge of human behavior leads to? People losing all notions of true love to end-up divided from their bizarre activities? Stronger divided religious gangs competing each other? More depression? (Would you dare remove anti-depressives and Ritalin to see your true effect?) What a success! But maybe you'll be lucky and something will happen to associate people on a fairness cause, but it won't come from you for sure...

But I understand many people need a psy, they need to feel good encouraging this reality, or doing evil while feeling better than others for it, they need a close friend to talk about their secrets too, since they lost the judgment to know what is good and evil and the strength of will to be exemplary. The confessional have been doing the job for thousands of years, some will have a homosexual for that, now we have psy. As long as you fit in the economic scheme of things you're normal, you just need a little redirection, if not you got a mental problem. So you're not much better than religions with as many books, even thicker ones, all to pacify people to the reality, and people who don't or revolt are sick in the head. And don't say the contrary, there is a list of negative tags that appeared with the profession, and those are akin to the demonology of religions and they create a lot of wrongs on sane people while you feel good distributing counsels. But don't worry; with enough money, pressures and image, you can bullshit any failures you choose in a success...Yet, a lot of psy science is good, like there is good stuff in the bible too...

So, where are those institutions where I can doubt or fight reality? They don't exist? Ah! I know, you'll answer they are sects, but this is bullshit for someone's eventual profits too, as sects are part of this reality with exactly the same hierarchical pyramidal philosophy of superiority-inferiority. Where to turn to when you have been revolted by the ways of reality all your life? It's not a joke, I even have written justifications! Nowhere? I want to be part of something that can drive me globally! Since I know psy will stay stuck in their chair out of bad batteries, then I'll have to do it myself; I'll write to describe what kind of help I need, and I can tell you no psy can or will help me, but I'm not finished with psy religion.

True happiness (not the innocence thing encouraged by the rich) rarely exists in this reality because of the conflict between the external brainwash transposing itself in the unconscious and the variable personal formulae for happiness already living in memory. In other words happiness is closely related to one's fulfillment of his destiny (destiny may be slightly different for women than for men).

I see destiny as an individualistic thing mostly dictated by birth factors out of the control of the being, and it very rarely leads to a fantastic utopia with raining money and nude women craving for sex all around (or men). You may be destined to work something like a farm and live a simple life with a good partner, and being near your destiny will bring you happiness and you'll have the same judgment value than someone more destined to work for an industry like NASA.

But in this reality, it's hard to find your destiny since the imposed brainwash starting in infancy with television send people in all kind of twisted directions with all kind of ego goals used to replace their lost or replaced ideal destiny line. Fulfilling your destiny, as I see it, is not a magical thing, it is more like an adapted way for both sexes to reach their best development curve by being in the best possible harmony with what they are "programmed" to do best in globality. You don't get that by seeking the boosting of a few skills; it may be a good thing to develop any skills you want, and critical to have an expertise, but those never make a complete independent being.

You can only feel your destiny and take actions to be in harmony with it as a young person between around 18 and 24. Destiny is mostly decided from both parents unconsciously at birth, from how they are, and I like to think that with some harmonic efforts from both of them, they can have a slight conscious indirect influence on the creation of this formula for happiness that will be transmitted to the baby (more in "The Seat Of My Mind" chapter (book)). I believe we will find greater happiness and feeling of fulfillment, if you prefer we will be at our best, if we are "near" what we are destined to do best or fulfill. Being in exact harmony with it all life long is impossible, but the nearer we are to it, the happier we will eventually be, eventually because you still got some effort to do, and this "eventually" may become never if it is profited from too much.

So it is not a precise thing. I could say that if your best way is to build things, then you'll be happier at a job where you build things... And I don't have to tell you that it is best when destinies are used in harmony or association; someone better at making construction plans will be necessary in a cathedral project, but he'll still feel good just making house plans, if he can detect that one his best place in reality is doing such things, and for this you are better knowing the truth of the world you live in, generally, developing an independent opinion of it with goals, that's why I say around 18 to 24.

So you can see how vague and vast destiny can be, one thing's for sure; if you're born missing both legs, your destiny won't be to run anywhere, whatever you spend your whole life learning to run with rubber legs, and sorry if an accident happens and you get your destiny busted, did you made your prayers? It helps in influencing your destiny, again depending on your age and how you do it.

You almost always have to deal your "straight" or "ideal" destiny with the reality you live in, unless its expression is too strong and evident in you. In such a situation you can easily enter in mortal conflict with reality, particularly one pushing around and manipulating. This reality doesn't care about destiny, it can't, even if quite a few people will end up somewhat in harmony with it. Like happiness and love it's is a ridiculous notion to be laughed about for many ego people who only deal with notions or things that can be manipulated, cumulated and stashed. Another way to see it would be to say that around the reaching of adulthood, once you have a sane basis to stroll easily in the ideal reality, meaning you have an ideal making sense and you feel well in mind and body, you do what you want and you're supposed to be somewhat doing your destiny. But you must still do it inside the reality, so some people are born to become criminals in this optic.

Evidently, those are absolutely not the only factor influencing happiness. A big part is directly related to the ideal of body and mind in relation to the reality the person live in; some people were more made to be happier in 1800 than in 2000. In an ego reality brainwashing continually with pressures of all kind, a big factor in happiness will be the difference between the mostly externally implanted unconscious goals for happiness and the actuality of attaining them which will very rarely happen, but you'll work hard and be dependent all your life because happiness is a goal of life. On this matter, life hates (gods too I guess) depressive species, it will push you to suicide instead of living depression with you (In this view life would be your very deep unconscious since it is directly related to reproduction (a life system). I call it the "Initial Unconscious" in the "The Seat Of My Mind" chapter (book). So, as a person developing depression (serious unhappiness) you would enter a battle between your consciousness and your deep unconscious based on the conflicting thinking you are building through your experience of living. Which can be future prospects and the road to those, what you'll have to do, the suffering you've been through, the obstacles you'll have to go over, the changes you'll have to accept etc, etc. Knowing you'll have to become a contortion of your ideal to reach your goal is already a mind forming, conflict generating factor. Personally, the way I took out of it is to actually fight what is unsatisfying instead of building a conflicting mind adapting to it until you defend it, the next step is to never adapt or believe in lies; I'll always try to follow a logical path while emphasizing the true meaning of words and principles, that way I minimize conflict potential. It's a view that harmonizes with life (the truths it made or cumulated through its history) since your reaching farther (or straighter, I don't know which, or both, or none if there is only truth involved, but even for the later there would still be an optimizing process) in pathway development within the sphere (part, I call it a modifier in "the Seat Of My Mind" chapter (book)) concerning the subject and its interrelations.

But it is not the main or only goal; there are more and more people who think they exist to have fun and profit from life which is totally wrong; you exist to reach the goals of life, and you got to enjoy life as much as you can as you do, but always in the optic of thinking about others. And for that you got to have principles, and ego is the worst, but yes, ego peoples enjoy themselves in hell, at the cost of others, to the point of condemning humanity. It's like those manipulators who justify their wrongs by saying that making mistakes is the best way to learn, while the truth is that it's probably the worst way to learn, you think you learn at school by making mistakes? No, you learn by trying to make the less quantity of mistakes possible. This whole book you are reading is written by someone making a minimum of mistakes in his life, and you'll see I learned things far beyond the capacities of the selection. But yes, when your consciousness is not much more developed, then making mistakes may be the only way to learn independently, the rest comes from your capacity to absorb PMBBD, go lick an ass now...

Fun can exist from external brainwash, the same for pleasure, you can have fun 24/24 (kind of), but happiness is another matter. The way I see it, happiness is a sustained state of wellbeing, so it is mostly dependent from the surfacing of one's destiny upon a reality that don't manipulate or force control, so it can very rarely truly exist in this reality. What can happen is that you'll get manipulated or brainwashed to believe in one of many formulae of happiness closer to your personal experience of reality. Happiness and spiritual gurus are good at this, but the reality is doing it at a massive scale with its media structure, culture and nationalist stuff are full of PMBBD that will permit you to continue working on the ego pyramids with a freak (or is it fake?) smile on your face, or an increasing enjoyment from increasing and emphasizing your attention on watching the projected image of the reality more than the truth of it, or some more dependence, entertainment, or spending, or whatever.
There are many such brain tricks with PMBBD and placebo and hype in them, what they all have in common is that they will teach you that your way of seeing things is "wrong" or your brain is "wrong" or your attitude is "wrong" or you're missing their knowledge they sell. Such guru, or priest, or psy, or leader will not try to make another reality because they use mechanisms made to get you back on track if you "fail", like changing the form or color of the track in your mind. Or at best they'll criticize, they have to, it can displace frustration. It is the common point of all religion, psychology and philosophy to date, even if I don't know what I'm talking about. I never do by the way...Totally possessed!

But you can be pseudo-happy, and it is easier for unconscious people to live this kind of happiness, and innocence is so fun. You'll meet a listing of my problems a bit later, you may add a scary mental word to describe how retarded or sick I am for not seeking any opportunity to have fun, but you must know I'm absolutely not against fun; my worse nightmare would be to live in a reality where it doesn't exist, anything would be better than that, even hell, you have my permission to go back to it if you fail to be happy and have fun in a paradise, but first you'll have to develop the appropriate selection, gremlins and daemons are guaranteed to be unhappy in a paradise... I can often feel if someone is truly happy or if he is the result of sustained efforts to bullshit and brainwash himself, or force himself, to have fun or believe he is happy through implanted cultural activities. I don't see the "natural" form of happiness very often to say the least. Do I need to add a paragraph about illumination? It would be a waste of time don't you think? I want to stroll in a naturally happy and having fun reality doing it in consciousness and equilibrium; definitively not in an escaping and childish matter.

The last thing to ask an adult is to bow to childish authority and play their games, and it is exactly how I feel; in a childish circus of controlled anarchy, billions of children grabbing at each other's hairs in gangs and spewing all kind of illogically weird bullshit, and I'm forced to listen to their laughable authority while they're playing in traffic, and that's the summum! And you know how children are; they'll wait until it's too late to understand then come running at adults, even if they took the title and there are none anymore, if they didn't kill themselves being unconscious...So when you'll be done playing your grand scale children games, taking everything for toying and fighting between yourselves, I may need help doing something more serious...Now, being moralist with children doesn't much work, and maybe it's why most people of ego reality won't like how I write; for them I'll be some kind of paternalist teaching manners to a bunch of children, but maybe that's it, maybe I'm writing for people who never became adults, they are a contortion of it, they want to be forever innocent (young), they adapted to the reality like animals, played in it, and profited from life as much as they could; the best adapted better survive, on their quest, until they hit their limitations...like the reality they condemned themselves not to change, creating a limitation to all life. There is ego and there is life...

They even made scientific studies proving that to be happy the human need to stay innocent and without spirituality and ideals while not seeking the meanings of life! (After having tons of sex and entertainment while taking omega3, testosterone, Viagra, etcetera...) Can you believe that? What kind of weird methodology did they use to come to such a conclusion? What exactly was their definition of happiness? And what about the path to humanity's happiness? I guess that if people never end partying and they have a skewed vision of happiness then yeah...And it is logical for a civilization in adoration of ego gods to hate seeking the meanings of life... It would bring people face to face with the vastness of their lies, the wrongs of their attitudes, and the evils they encourage; guaranteed depression! And everything is pardoned when you are innocent! Jesus said it! Wow, how perfect and evolved in your lies...So let's stay innocents thinking we know it all because this scientist or that made proofs of how humans are... And then you wonder why a thinking man like me hates this reality...It may have been a step of human evolution by the way, the choice between truly evolving in thinking and thinking we are evolving from defending all kind of PMBBD like the above as truth. But what can I do? The selection is made. What are my powers? Taken away from me by manipulators singing liberty...

So my justifications may not satisfy the "adult" class determined by a "standardization" of manipulated attitudes geared toward helping the "economy", geared toward the satisfaction of the most ego people, which is not the best way to grow-up for sure. I am not an adult if it is to ignore what don't please me, or adapt to things that don't make sense, and I won't pop-up as your psy and science version of an adult; it doesn't work like this. Anyway, there's always an adaptation curve; I'm a forever growing total made of many continually developing things, I don't need to fill my ego to some standard so I can carry myself as a successful adult, I don't appear out of pyramidal laws; I slowly grow as an independent person having the power of choosing himself a path without external pressure, except at a basic learning level. The earlier the developing of consciousness and good use of it through the giving of a powerful basis of good principles, the earlier one gains control of his loss of innocence. The path adults walk must be evident; you don't ask a child to follow you if you pass your time hiding, lying or making false tracks...We must learn a globally accepted philosophical and spiritual path that makes better sense as the default path, the basis of reality, until the person gain more consciousness, lose more innocence or gain more expertise, and you must do it without PMBBD or pressure, which you cannot do in a reality that competes and manipulate everything for profits.

I absolutely chose not to develop some facets most people are very proud of developing without consciousness or control of their ego. I could even say certain critical facets of most people's mental abilities are no more developed than a baby's, and never will be; this potential is lost since it was never explored enough to know something could be gained other than personal profit from it.

Me too I developed areas I judged critical to being an independent human while I stayed no better than a child in areas that are very important to this reality, but they could make me an adult in its vision of things I guess... Some of those areas I postponed developing indeterminably for many reasons; goals, love, hate, elimination of conflicting thought, survival, they are some main reasons among the panoply. Look at me like an alien if you want; I don't belong on this planet, I'm not made to live here.

I am different and people seeking this reality's standards should definitively not get near me for long. Don't test yourself with me, do it with your reality, I have no room for fearful people who end-up lamenting their ego is unfulfilled (different from fighting for a fair standard of living, ego-egotism), this world is full with the like of you; have fun. But for those who truly want to understand, you'll need some discernment when meeting some paragraphs exposing my initial consciousness crisis, so don't go psy kaputt when I suddenly go overboard and live back through those parts of my life. They may make me sound retarded, but at least I didn't ignore or dump those hints of independent consciousness even if writing about them is unusual, or feel strange, because it's not on television or your religion...

Now, even if I write my dislike of this reality it doesn't mean I'm a person ready to insult anybody anytime for any accident, remarks, or mistakes. My tolerance and acceptance finds its limit in history and masses manipulations; I don't want people, or someone like me, to forever be born in this. People like me will never be happy if I forever tolerate and accept too many attitudes I don't like, even if my self-control, or attitude for that matter, would permit me to tolerate forever or anything (I sometimes can tolerate a lot more, but I don't do it in the name of combat...), but it's not how life works, it doesn't tolerate forever. But as it is, my "job" inside the situation of this reality may make me kind of serious and intolerant looking, even if I'm always ready to smile and help.

All that was somewhat how I see happiness, and again, I'm quite sure this description is very far from any other you've ever had. To go back to psy, I may have pushed a bit, but I didn't say they are of no use; there are extreme mind problems that need a descriptive word, but I said extreme, evident; why do someone like me continually get tagged with a psy mental problem after another while I have no mental problem? Was it the goal of psy science? Get the economically indoctrinated selection to tag those who don't adapt with all kind of sicknesses until they make a massacre? And yes many people do need a confident, but let's not exaggerate, do some work by yourself, at least on small or logical problems, and get yourself a nice collection of good principles you can play with (like humility, fairness, compassion, etc, etc, not one, many, memorize them, understand them, and select the best for any situation, you'll see it works better than a psy in the long run, in fact, why psy never suggest such things? Because their job would be less indispensable. But again I know it doesn't work for any situation, particularly if you fell in love with a moronic asshole that wouldn't care less about good principles, only prison, but you reap what you sow; understand love some before falling in love you know... As for psy, I'm not fond of people who manipulate or transmit manipulated knowledge, even if they have professional names. Psy knowledge is almost half PMBBD from all those big egos and big IQ's plunging in the pile of opportunities.

Concerning my own happiness, knowing it's too late for me, that I won't live in a satisfactory way in my lifetime unless I change who I am, then the question is what can I do for someone like me to be happy? I wouldn't want someone like me to continually live the type of life I'm currently living, because yes, if I exist, then other like me must exist, but good luck identifying them, that would be practically impossible since they live alone, they have nothing to prove, they are not after party, they are not around money, they don't talk, they don't work for the system, they don't go to the psy, they are not part of a sect or a religion, they don't have friends, they don't waste time with people full of bullshit, they are not on Facebook or instagram. All in all, people like me don't exist even if they live and don't depress from their situation, you won't find them in any current social environment because they have the strength to fight for true truth.

Yet, unless you tell me I'm unique in the world, then those people like me got dreams, ideals, they want love, appreciation, children, they want to contribute, but they'll never bow to a way of life they see as wrong or evil, again, that's supposing I'm not alone like me. So probably to the end of my life, even if I'm in shape and I attract women, I'll live the life of a ghost, or if you want a soothing way to see it; people like me will never accept to help develop hell, they'll fight it, alone if they must, until their death. So it is a question of good and evil. Now, since it is too late for me, and people (literary agents of democracy and free speech...) don't give a shit about my opinion, I can freely dedicate my work to life and minds like mine, even if there are not many, maybe one in a billion? I don't know, probably 10 times less since I immediately saw (in youth without knowing WTF) what's in my mind as critically important. So if people like me exist they would see it as a responsibility to describe their vision of things, and it never happened in the history of humanity, or they were all assassinated.

Since it will take the best part of my life, and nobody will care about it, then my hope is that an eventual someone like me will know how to search for his kind of book in the pile. Not much better than winning at lottery knowing how I see life, but I'll be glad to at least show my mind to someone who can appreciate, and my work will be a start if humanity still got potential.

Strange, or is it perfect? that in the end, in the face of a glorious future, or in the face of an ultimate failure, it is what the most revolted lowlife believe in that will have been is the nearest view of the truth? (I'm a man of possibilities, not final truths, don't forget that) The guy has to be alone at it! At an epoch where big people know everything and act like they do? Where people spend their intelligence for an ego and fucking competition with an internet on fuck all free for all sex overdrive? No sir, and I don't even think that how I see thing is that complicated, it should have come with the discovery of the atom, but to discover the philosophy and view I describe in my work like the last secret before you die? That's insane! How is it possible without a tremendous force to influence things? The bible invention seems fare more complicated and crazy in the head than my philosophy! I would qualify what is happening to me as the most unlikely coincidence of the universe (well, one of the most unlikely, let's not exaggerate a lot...). You can't just pass, there's signification to be had here!

At least, even if people don't care anymore, my work will exist, to show that we could have done something real extraordinary but the leadership formulae the mass decided to encourage was not adequate, in fact my conclusion is that we can't even evolve no more, we're blocked! In our PMBBD! But there is no way my writings will ever carry the feeling of waste I have experiencing this reality, I could have spent my energy on wonderful inventions, but instead I used it for the most fantastic struggle of finding if my inventive mind will be used for good or evil! And it is too much of an extraordinarily well fitting scheme for me to skip saying, fatally, that maybe things are as they should be, maybe I should thank some people, maybe someday I'll do, I don't know, I try to know, I would even want to be simply sorry and enjoy, but I don't find how, it's like finding the only path to your home, I have to walk it, I can't be sorry for that! And there's nothing like home (my home, not my parent's home...), I have to go there or I'll end-up too dirty from exploring.

Anyway, what I mean is that, even if I talk a lot about personal things, which I have no choice to do to reveal the existence of people like me (they may not know themselves...), I work in an optic of continuation for those people who find the (true) path of life (you don't have to be like me). I'll describe a view of life for them, because the fight is not over, even if how I see things don't exist because people don't give a shit. My work is in part in their honor, those who are capable of changing when presented enough argumentation. People who are truly capable of changing their ways are the best, they are the best living beings on earth, apart from crazy people like me, but you don't do people like me, it's the dangerous stuff, and you should really invest some money to better take care of them when they happens, I'm worth more than the lowest investment, don't piss me off too much! My vengeance carries beyond time, distance, stars even death! For now it's status quo, I'm quite pissed-off, but I was put very late in the action and you'll reach final condemnation within my lifetime; it doesn't feel as vengeful seeing poor morons already plunging, all this beautiful potential dancing toward the precipice, I suppose imagination will never express the pain of understanding the well of sacrifice and death all solar life went through for this failure, which includes me describing it. And if I am vengeance itself, then I bow in the name of my peers, and this book is the truth of my feeling, me repenting with understanding. (Don't go to the psy with that last part, it's self romantism ok? This whole book is, no mental problem to see here, only imagination in a complete and healthy mind stuck with itself. Everything is perfect, it's just that I have what it takes to travel in outer space, (but not with a matron continually walking over my head for sure...)).

People like me find a tool for any attitude and a truth to contradict any bullshit, we take the right attitude for the situation we are in, and when everybody think he's so intelligent all is left is entertainment, people like me explore new possibilities. Now, if this world is so low as to need its most willing people for the betterment of life to be sarcastic or take a "narcissist" attitude, then maybe the separation between me and the mass is so vast it's like talking to a bunch of hierarchically separated chimps; no amount of argument will stop a chimp from being a chimp...And he will always laugh at you, and he's got the whole jungle of chimpanzee and gorillas to back him up! Presently they are those who limit their life to getting a job or voting for a president or prime minister. But maybe I'm impatient? Yes, I should wait to be sure the rubbles are there to grab at the failure. But maybe people like me are the new stuff, and if I'm so alone it's just that I'm among the first, in a thousand years you'll just be a retarded form of human, your Facebook philosophy forgotten, nothing, your friend list that is so important to you? Nothing in 100 years, it was just your weirdo psy... As for the most ego people, let's just hope the planet will have survived your appetite for that long...

You can be insulted all you want, fuck you, you fought for your life, have it, get away from me, you found your pseudo happiness, or you took the means to condemn solar life to the death for it, adapt, tolerate, accept, even if you are so weak as to be suicidal in what you defend you'll never be more than a fraction of someone like me. Cry all you want, be frustrated and jealous all you want, hate the rare like me all you want, we are just too strong, we never bow, we never adapt, we are evolution. It's just too bad the reality was made intrinsic with retards, a production, a dependence, for profits...Cry poor you while I should be the one crying, I'm far more sensitive (not delicate) than anybody think, but people never understood my drive in their egotism, so they just hate me hypocritically with their bullshit, so the only one paying a price is me. But maybe I could shed a tear for your lost potential and the wasted life for your ego existence. Remember, you fought for your life, don't be jealous of mine or I'll kick your ass for all the troubles you put me and life under. You fought for your life.

The same for this hell, you will not say we are all responsible for the troubles humanity is in, I am not responsible, I've never been, I "never" encouraged this reality, the only thing I took is the right to survive while knowing reality, or the means to express my revolt if you prefer, I'm not responsible for any of this in any way, whatever you attached your debt on me as a newborn to condemn me to your failure. And that means, in the end, there will be people more responsible by their attitudes and other absolutely not, we're not all in this together because some successfully condemned most to defending or encouraging a way. There are people who never embarked, sorry for you.

In a competitive at all cost reality, knowledge easily brings manipulation and hiding or manipulating what is learned to gain advantages are always ways to manipulate people, never forget that. The same for paying more than a service for knowledge. And don't give me the speech about the internet doing just that, the internet in this reality's form is the worst possible PMBBD transmitting device you can ever sink yourself in, and you pay for it, big money! I could say it's the final wall to the indestructibility and permanence of it. But the selection likes it too much that way so I won't start another stretch to detail the many reasons for my opinion.

I'll say it provides great services instead, no doubt about it, but this applies to any such communication system; don't think the only way to have such a system is through the current ways of reality, absolutely not, any civilization sufficiently advanced technologically got an internet, and I'd bet we could have gotten an internet in year 1000 if we had done everything in a better way.

Concerning the knowledge facet of the current internet, while seeking and even finding your true, and I say true, knowledge, you'll end up worsening your external brainwash as your memory will record bits and pieces of all kind of stuff replacing and mixing in your memory. You won't notice it, you won't dream about it and it will surely be replaced again, but it's there and the effect is to make most people stronger defenders of this reality in all kind of ways, whatever they think temporarily.

Anyways, manipulation and limitations of knowledge should be pushed to the minimum, not maximum, and the internet under the current form is limited all sides by profiteers, even paying for basic internet can be seen as manipulation and exploitation of knowledge, whatever the argument capitalist profiteers will use. Did someone notice I didn't talk about sex and the internet? I'm not a retard anymore! I'm adapting, tolerating, pardoning, and accepting! Well, maybe I just don't want to end-up in a hospice instead, so I'm taking a break...It's hard you know, knowing I'm alone with all this, such a long way to go, so many fights, only to end-up alone on my mountain... I should fail, but it won't happen, and I won't stay alone, and there is secret that gives me an invincible will, it will drag me to success whatever I go through, its knowledge can only sustain my current attitude until the end, only death can stop my invincible march, and you can bet I'll be done writing before then. I could say some people may come to know what it is from reading my work attentively, to manipulate them to read it, but no, there are no clues, nothing!

To go back to my things, even if I believe adults are supposed to know themselves enough to have no need for professionals judges to tell them if they're doing the right thing, psy will always have their place in any reality. But civilization stability or mental health must not be dependent from them or pills; this lower your score as a good reality. It applies to religions too, or any PMBBD. I'd prefer a reality where people are not that much manipulated with PMBBD and dependences. I know most don't care to be manipulated or dependent for profits, but in my view of life someday we'll go through steps where such a civilization as ours fails while another will continue, that's part of the universal order of things, not all life is adequate, or the best.

But no problem as long as most people are not under this therapy or that, and don't worry, there will always be a need for therapists of the mind, or people trying to do the therapist, but my opinion is that this reality is the one with many grave problems in its head; there are far too many people who lost or didn't develop some of their intellectual capacities or strengths, throngs of eternal sequels needing soothing, encouraging and expensive paroles, too many are broken by loneliness, or who don't have the time or assurance to form good independent logical judgment, or others intellectually lazy who have alienated reading out of their lives, or others so visually brainwashed they absolutely need to see someone talking in front of them to believe (a television can do the job...), and there are throngs of failed couples who need to spill their communication in front of someone else to still stay a failure since the minimal love success is that you can communicate between each other without needing a "manager", and finally, you can't skip the infinite army of depressed people tolerating and accepting peacefully in "love" this reality until they become suicidal. Maybe all those people should get guns, form an army and instill fear to this reality becoming more PMBBD hype than human. Ego people manipulating innocence are among the strongest contributors to produce such results (incapacitated human facets). Still I repeat there are true problems that absolutely need to be corrected, sometimes with strong medication.

Finally, for those self-important saviors running everywhere who see someone crying because they've got a diploma and it's their job, who think tears live in a balloon that must be emptied, if you know tears can be the expression of any number of feelings or emotions, not necessarily the sign of a problem, then show it! Stop those stupid pubs on television where you see someone crying, then someone else say that depression is a mental disease and it is important you go to the psy fast before it is too late, "a message from psy incorporated". Can't people cry in peace without psy suckers running everywhere making it a tragedy? When did we decide it was more normal to ejaculate than to cry? Ah, one is fun the other less so, in theory... I do let go a few tears once in a while, I get an erection when I'm lucky, but I have crying diversity, there's a difference, since from what I've seen (in my limited experience on the matter) is that people of ego reality tend to specialize in one type, and me, I guess due to my contrarian style, I prefer both the opposite philosophy and the opposite spectrum, anyway, you can guess that if bloody imagination bring me good sleep, crying out of rage or hate should feel satisfactory too, but beauty can do the job, and I'm not insensitive to some rare well-made touching moment in movies; as much as I'm a hard critic of movies, about manipulation content specifically, I can still enjoy them, yes there is a big downside to continually see and counter argument all the manipulative bullshit, but to compensate I have a bonus enjoyment from my mind modifying the script, and always having some prehistoric or medieval people around (medieval people are best, they participate everywhere in my life with their curiosity). As for being a contrarian, what does that twisted view means? I'm no contrarian, I just try to find and walk the best path, and I can find anything, too bad if it conflict with your vision...

And it's no better for laughing maniacs, they're awaiting every corners now, even preaching and distributing their humorism's therapy to poor people on the streets, we can laugh at anything but we have no right to get depressed, is that it? We must concentrate on the fun and cute and quickly forget what don't please us? Ah, future generations will take care of things or get better adapted to them while the selection continues in the inconsistent logic. Ideal for making unconscious, tolerant and well adapted people, which will end-up more depressed even if they continually laugh, placebos can take any number of forms and some last thousands of years, but it is surely not today's scientists who will see that far, or think about such factors in their limited vision of life. Instead they'll continue making wrong affirmations about humans based on studying the selection until they succeed at controlling our mental state with a remote control, or a satellite, but isn't television supposed to do that? That could be seen as the result of an ego-gods ideology based society, while a life-gods ideology based society would be happy naturally, without even trying...

I'm someone who likes humor, surprised? I'm hot eh! It's just that in this reality, the overload of smiling and laughing make me doubt people's sanity. And that contributed to my television dumping, as I saw it as a degenerating mix of quick emotional extremes added to a laughing, happiness and sexual PMBBD image I didn't like. So for those great people who like to ridicule anything to have a good laugh, who think themselves very intelligent, they will find many opportunities in my ways of writing to express their skill, mostly out of subject they wouldn't seriously talk about themselves, by de-contexifying, by finding my strange choices of words, or by calling my not standard notions weird. I say to those highly tolerant, accepting, intelligent and well adapted to this reality clowns who think everybody are great adults like them who know so much they can laugh about anything with their gang of followers; you are no better than the worst psy; your work in a way as to get people to believe anything is a justification to have a good laugh, but life is not a joke or a clown thing, or entertainment, if that's what you think then die, I'll laugh at you and make entertainment with your cadaver! Besides, we're supposed to be animals "they" say, and they don't pass their time laughing, or crying for that matter.

As for seeing depressions everywhere, we could first stop using this word to describe the coming of rain, like rain is god crying in depression. A rainy day is a rainy day, that's all, these are not tears, and you can like it as much as a sunny day. I hate those manipulative autosuggestion associations; half our time is passed under dark skies why do we go half naked under the sun and not under the rain? Is the chemical rain making you reticent? Sun blasts are better? You can appreciate such days naturally, without having to justify yourself for getting all soaked up you know...And aren't we passing most hot sunny days wanting to get drenched? Besides, do you call the coming of the sun an overpression? No. Mediumpression anybody? If you absolutely need to see things in a manner of pressures, then the term "high pressure system" or "low pressure system" is better, strange that I have to make the education of TV people, but nothing strange I guess... I know I'm going overboard with this thing, and I'm not an amateur of rain any more than anybody else, but if you can twist words to make a natural state of temperature a depression, then you have everything necessary to call a natural state of mind a depression too; a mental sickness to heal with good, happy and friendly chemicals, but soon you'll just have to open your mouth under the rain for your dose, that way you'll stop calling rain depressing... Would you use the same word to describe someone having difficulties adapting to the reality? Can I play your game and describe this reality a depressive reality? No? I knew it...

Yet, this reality always depressed me, or is it a side of me? I always found more reasons to be depressed than to be joyful, even if managing to make everything end in humor can be seen as a goal, but I shall let wisdom prevails, in the name of respect and sanity. But it's probably because I'm not brainwashed to skip the depressing stuff with entertainment, and I take my human responsibility to look at the ugly and not forget (too much), that way I can form an appropriate judgment from truths even if it pains me, not a parody of it out of selected parts I find to my tastes and PMBBD. Didn't you notice that the good stuff is in the future, while the bad stuff is in the past? Well, the good stuff will probably not happen, or it won't be as good as advertised, but it provides hope. As for the bad stuff, it happened long before you had consciousness of it, so it's too late, and it's worse than advertised, so it's better for you not to hear about it, all in all, ignore it.

One thing's for sure, I would feel ashamed to only look at a facet of reality to feel better in it, I look at the under of it so I form a better judgment of it. And if there are too many things I don't like, then I'll battle it, or I'll invent something better, and if people don't care, then too bad, I tried to act from my judgment and I'm not "god"...yet. And this is while knowing that I change as I write too, that's the advantage of not being connected to reality; you can change deeply and rapidly. But I mean mind disconnection, which takes years, and you have to understand, and the only way to understand is either by deep concentration on the subject exposed by a leader, or a lifelong struggle to find the truth.

As for depression, even if life would be on the verge of failure and my death eminent, I'd still not fall into depression. Not much added stress, maybe a tranquil emotive ceremony alone or with my love, I wouldn't dare disrespect life with stupid people around, particularly the sex brainwashed hordes, and that's it, no TV as usual please, I'm sure they'll make a scientific pool in there proving people don't have enough sex when it's the end...Do people fall in depression when it's the end? Or is it ego and reality related? Even if I took the lead and ended my life to exit hell after successfully reaching philosophical and spiritual independence and doing my job of writing this book with sufficient competence, at that point I would consider it my right to do it, but I wouldn't do it out of depression but from logical reasons, personal taboos reasons at it. I may even chose a spiritual story for it as a add-on. As an example, I made a multi-part dream about killing a dragon, and I was never able to find how I had killed it, so what about if he's eaten me? I could be indigestible for a dragon, and I know a dam fine representation of his belly somewhere, maybe I should sink myself in there, poisoning it, and then it will explode in fire and die. Its remains will then feed the newly freed mother earth, but maybe I don't have to do any of this, my work is the poison, that's why no action was involved in killing the dragon in my dream...And it didn't explode in fire very much, but greenery thrived. These days I seems to like whales though, 2 women saved my life in a dream, and they gave me a whale as a gift, the big thing, but I was more preoccupied by their ass in the dream, I don't normally look at people's asses in dreams, so maybe there's something going on there...Anyway, I like the idea of whales, I'm sure I could hear them talk with my high frequency hear, we could talk important subjects as I go down, bloarglrglwoargruiolioarug. Whales got a bigger brain than us, I wonder what they use it for? But I'd be better with gills for these things, maybe someday we'll grow gills! Maybe not but once in face of the moment you'd see me walk proudly with a rock and plunge without hesitation, and I'd find a way to smile all the way down whatever the cold, as I wish good things to life, while giving the honor finger to this reality, my finger staying stuck in the position, awaiting divers...So that's how I picture my end these days, but you wouldn't ask such a behavior of those who found their place in hell, they'd fall on their knees and ask pity or go kaput, they'd die trying to cost still more to life, you just have to look at all those old people on their death bed hanging to life like they'd do anything for another day of news...

So it is my opinion that what psy see as depression are often the symptoms of a sick reality; depression is often ego related, lifelong jealousy, frustration, failed accumulation, not enough sex, all the things that should form the recipe of success in this reality. Half this depression thing is wanted by the person I say, for manipulation, and in the face of the end, all of those people won't have done much to help life, since they couldn't care for their own. Maybe I'm too hard, they couldn't care for their mind, because they couldn't. Ego people want to have their fun, and the opposite of that is depression, and in the end that's what will be important to them, their party and their dick and their cunt, things so well implanted as brainwash that they'll probably be the only lifeform on the planet having a party or sex before the end, or whatever other usual activity they do every special occasion...a fuck you to life kind of...

But that is only half the problem, the other half is again reality related, isn't that nice? There may be 10% who make a true justified depression from inacceptable suffering. To me it is evident that the reality is inappropriate to develop life in its best manner, and the best minds, the most sensitive and made to develop good empathy unconsciously feel from how people react around them that they are in hell, kind of, and so they develop bad habits out of despair, when they're not direct victims of bad people. And they know unconsciously that fighting to get themselves understood in this reality is worthless, because its intelligence, its institutions are geared to fight against their expression of despair, to say they're wrong, to show their difference as a problem in their head, to heal their head, and yes it will work for those who have the appropriate mind to fit their scenario.

While happiness is very relative, I wouldn't qualify depression as a mental malady, a problem in the head of people.... In my country they passed ads ads on TV for a time squarely saying depression is a mental sickness and we must consult fast before it is too late, I hate this, and are you sure it's working? Because we still have among the highest suicide rate, and we can't seems to exhaust the population... Mostly men, we're a matriarch society, strong women thrive here, the type that can take and distribute a lot of hard, because they sacrificed a lot of their humanity I like to think. I'm sure I could cry days just listening to the cumulated cries of their soul, but it's too much for my youth, and they shouldn't decide one iota of a thing in my life. But they give me the usual hell, it's just that I like vengeance, I can pardon in the name of good intents, but you better get your things together. Bitch me again and your feelings you passed your life contorting in the name of justifying your implantation of a way of life and thinking? I'll crush them dead final on the floor, go ahead, make a depression over your splattered ego, our care for each other is meant to end badly, fight, sacrifice to make things continue, worsen this hell, think you're good all you want, I prefer to kill myself than to end-up a soldier in your ant queen dreams...

Well, that's about it for depression, I say in this reality a lot of people should be deep in it, like no return point, sad but true (my opinion...). And for those who are depressed because they see the future as dark and feel totally powerless to change things, I bet that if those people were let free in their minds of the pressure of reality to dictate what is going on with their minds for it to feel so bad, and give them 2 free kills at 40 without your bad consciousness aftereffect and religious pacification, I bet a lot would grab a gun and end this depression not by killing themselves, but by blasting away some spot on source of their despair. But I guess I'd end-up dead quick enough, and the president too, bad idea, maybe that's just me imagining things as I go to sleep; I feel so powerless to fight evil, and god knows how I like kicking evil asses (why do I only have to change one letter to pass from kicking to licking? I don't like that!)

And don't forget you got an argument for anything in this reality, so there is a scientists that will say to depressive people that old people are happier than most, the famous 40 years old depression everybody go through, like youth innocence is a synonym of happiness, the more consciousness phase is depressive, and when you're old you don't care as much, you're resilient, so you're back to happiness! So are the old depressive or happy? I say grab both the experts that made such affirmations and put them to fight in a cage; they create division and conflict among people and within our mind. With all that crap someday you'll implant chips in people's brains that way they'll be happy all along! Why didn't life make full happiness working machines out of us?

Almost everything is in some kind of soup like that, and yes that will increase depression, forever more, until people start looking at the truth of things and take the means to truly change things, not only the façade while twisting everything underneath. And I repeat again, and as always, that these are all personal opinions in harmony with my life view, to which I'll add that we may be creating a bunch of genetic problem we'll never recuperate from, creating a humanity that will need all kind of form of stimulation to work and skip depression, and the stuff may not always exist at the extreme that push scientists to say we're like this and like that from observing a limited selection that I'm sure to never be a part of (I think I never got pooled in my life, and I bet it's the case for most poor people, if pooling could be seen as a proof of something...)

We may be creating a future to humanity where willpower problems appear forever younger along with depression from living one happiness and looking young revolution placebo after the other, like regimes...And what do you do with someone like me just need to think to get stimulated? Do you think I'd dream such ideals and write like that if I was not stimulated? And where is my socialization? And where is my sex stimulation? And where is my depression? Maybe a lack of stimulation can be a source of imagination if the reality doesn't put pressure with its institutions; if you got nothing to do, what will happen? You'll think or imagine because you can do nothing else, so I could say the continual stimulation thing is a philosophy for indoctrinated people. And don't worry, you can't do nothing continually, someday your thinking or imagination will try to transpose itself in reality, too bad mine couldn't, so it took the form of this book; this is what happens in my mind when I let it roam free, an ego person sure wouldn't end-up with such a book, he would think and imagine ways to fame or money, and this reality would be perfect for him. In fact, this may be related to complete mind abilities (not IQ but the more you care about things large and profound), the less complete the more the person would choose the ego or easier path (the path of entropy for the reality (dust to dust, the fastest way to the hole if you prefer) if you didn't made the system to develop the human (life) but to satisfy ego gods instead (the most ego)), since the mind wouldn't explore as many possibilities and instead of choosing the best path, it would choose the easiest path of reality, doing the thinking in function of fitting it, or more likely profiting from it, particularly if profiting competition is the main recipe for success in the reality. Sure there are many more factors that will influence your mind path of thinking for life, youth, parenthood, reality momentum like TV (I didn't have much TV in youth, and I dumped it at adulthood), all kind of factors, and don't forget the limited time and space principle; the more you spend time developing your mind on one facet, the less there is for other things, and the same with "mind space" the more you fill your mind with complex or conflicting stuff the less there is potential for new; both time and space enforce limitations, specialization.

I'm still not convinced depression really exists except as a deep negative feeling. There may even be physical manifestations of depression, there may be nothing in the brain no more, a black hole there, and the problem is still not necessarily in the head of people. It's like seeing a cadaver with the head blown off, you don't say "There's a problem with his head" no, you say "something blew-up the head off this guy" and that's how I see a lot of mental maladies, reality blowing-up people's brains off if they don't adapt, and psy are just numbing the holes. People are like in a war against fake depression and they fight with fake personality, all in the name of a twisted psychological science that doesn't have the mind and attitudes of its responsibilities. Then there's the fact that people have all kind of feelings, some feel things more intensely, some for longer, and yes you can feel bad all your life when you understand some things, and not being able to cope with it is only a form of natural selection, those with a strong mind or with a vast enough pool of mental options to deal with the ugly should better survive, but such people could destroy your psy little hell...

Now, what is bad is that natural selection was never meant to adapt to a bad reality, a bad reality is meant to be updated, replaced, or destroyed before most people adapt to it. What we are living today is the degradation of all life in the name of adapting to a system that is not good to it, and the price we'll pay is our extinction. But someone like me that sees the future as very dark and always fought the system and "never" worked to make it stronger, that is living his life alone, without friends, without love, almost without money, while still working long hours (against the system) still mostly got a positive attitude, I keep smiling, and I don't take drugs or pills and I never go to a psy (even if some will regularly tell me to consult a psy because even the most moronic innocent thinks he has the competence to know who should consult these days...), and a big part of the reason is that I changed to reflect a better spirituality and a truer philosophy. And when I clashed with reality, I believed in me instead of others, and reality reaped the honor finger instead of an embrace. But! There is no adequate comfort for my type here, nothing, but that's to be expected, no? Yeah, and you better take things as seriously if you want to point a finger at me, I have a knack for descending frustrated accusators and condescending people, don't take a path you can't follow because you have a disproportionate ego and want my style fast, I'm the hardest style in the world to have, you have more potential to become an Olympic medalist than to become me.

So don't think it's easy to be me, enjoy my work if you are capable, I give it to you, yes the fruit of more than 20 years of me intensively doing what almost nobody can do, I give it, you understand? Right from the start you're out of it, writing without thinking of profits or fame is something you can't do, and you're making another big mistake of judgment by believing you'll last a single year as poor without talking to someone or having TV, no car, no sex, no friends, nothing, and then write a serie of books about changing the world, with competence; go ahead get frustrated and jealous! Here, there's consolation prizes in this bag, want to be or fuck a prime minister? Yes you can! Want to be or fuck a gold medalist? Yes you can! Want to be or fuck an astronaut? Yes you can! The sky's the limit! I'll never be special to you because you'll never have the mind and strength of will to see me as anything else than an ego trophy, a pride thing, and I'll chop your head off if you get near me, whatever you are the prettiest creature on earth with 10 billion followers...

I'll go to the extent of saying that not only people have excellent reasons to be and stay depressed, but maybe the continually smiling ones are the ones with a mental disorder, or vision limitation; looking like depressive people trying to prove they are not and the more they laugh the more they look like they try to escape their wonderful reality, the more they look like they're the ones with a problem in the genius. I'm surely not against laughing, but people always ready to laugh feels wrong to me, I prefer sarcasm or irony in this reality, gets me smiling and it fits, then there is the part where I think I should choose the emotion that gives the best result versus the time frame or context I'm in, so while I find it more difficult to laugh at others, I'm quite good at laughing at myself, but mainly for long run sanity's sake. I will not skip the fact that some dependence will create depression and give work to psy, but still, most dependences are reality related (connected to the economy), and since psy sciences are half manipulations to make people pseudo-happy working parts of this reality, then they'll create more eventual depression in future generation than what they presently truly heal; a gift to our children we "love" so much. I even doubt they have a truly positive effect presently, generally, when everything is taken in consideration, 50/50 is my score, but you don't pass with 50, or mediocrity.

What would you say of someone who loves everything? They are sick in the head? That's a pretty general affirmation, and I'm sure such people wouldn't "love" a session of hate with me, but they do exist, there's a graffiti near my place proving it. Now, what if I make the general affirmation to the contrary, that I hate everything? Am I mentally sick? I'm sure some psychological study would prove that indeed I'm mentally sick, which would be an argument for me to hate even more. So if there are people who "love" psy science to the point of making it their job, then there can be people who hate it to the point of wanting the job dismantled, but it's not my case.

Generally speaking as usual, I don't doubt psy have their uses, but it is my opinion that they create as much mental problems as they heal, mainly by putting all problems in the sick head of their patients, or adapting them to a situation that the person shouldn't tolerate or adapt to in many cases. When was the last time you saw a psy actually say that society, or humanity got a problem, or that it is sick? Anyway, my point is that I don't like this reality, and I'm not mentally sick, I hate it with sound arguments, and from my experience living as a human being who likes to justify everything. My experience, because why should I base my judgment on the experience of someone else? Particularly a psy or someone on TV... Now to finalize things, what if I want to fight evil with evident effect but I don't like killing people? I don't like the reality to the point of wanting it destroyed or replaced so it is out of the question that I'll ever get a normal job to encourage it to continue as it is, but I hate killing people coldly, I prefer to do it emotively, with things like rage, disdain, vengeance, etc. It's not that I've killed that many (none in fact...), but any such manifestations of my will to fight evil are guaranteed to end-up as a problem in my head for media people and psy.

But they make fat profits and they got an image of saviors, hanging everywhere around and "healing" people by any means necessary with the help of their forever growing list of mental sicknesses (bible). They are the priests of the Democracy-Capitalism business. "We're all in this together" could be the motto they want us to believe or "the human is a gregarious animal" whatever. Go to hell I say, I'm not in anything with anybody and I'm no animal! Sorry to be that individualist you try so much to confound with egocentrism, I'm an individualist and it's a good thing while you're an egocentric social maniac and it's a bad thing. That's how I see it.

They even made of individuality an ego cultural trait, in big part from something totally ordinary in every animals; a difference. And today we hardly look at the global individuality of people; we dismantle it to parts like psy scientists do, and we take what stands out and compare it to others then note if it's bigger. We make a competition of traits, create "gods" who can do this or that better than anybody, even if most of those people are the most counterproductive, or negative toward the advancement of life. Normal (contrary to abnormal) people can't spend as much of their time, energy, willpower and individuality potential mostly developing a few traits that will make them superior in the cultural brainwash ego vision of things. People are supposed to grow a base while getting a few expertise, people's responsibility is not to be robots doing a job incredibly fast by the book without mistakes; it is to be a human and help life. So now that individualism and egocentrism have been twisted, even people who don't like the rich, without knowing why, will qualify them as individualistic in their jealousy (they have excellent reasons to be jealous), but it's not true; they are ego individuals from a society, ego individuals are the problem and they contort every word-principle to their own end; individualism as an ego thing is such a contortion.

The competitors for profit, whatever the form, are absolutely not worth what they get from this reality with its twisted values. They may be better or more worthy than others in some facets, no problem there, but that's for the people to decide, not maximum profitability or ego or competition. People have excellent justifications to be jealous because the most rewarded are not the best people. The most successful people presently got an ego directed intelligence, they see others as competition, or they are better manipulators, or they had a better start and they spend their time working training and competing to do a few thing better than anybody else (I'm not talking about normal specialization) and many are born out of family hegemonies, living totally unfairly from the start. But this is absolutely not the path which would reward you the most in a Life Reality, since life thrives from non-ego (not altruism), ego (as in self centered, doing thing for oneself or the gang while not caring about the repercussions on other living beings who are farther or smaller (like small animals or people in other countries)) is the enemy and destroyer of life, even if both are dependent from each other, but I'll explain all about this very important subject (ego, non-ego and life) in details in the "Life Infinite" chapter (book).

Most people spending most of their energy and skill competing to be the top something have been implanted, by pressure, an infinite ego philosophy where you are justified to possess any amount of means you can find the way to strip from others creating massive unfairness worth many death (surprise, never fall asleep). That is whatever you do with the means since the limitation must take place at the source; you don't take millions to give half to your selection of people in troubles, you don't take millions in the first place! But it's part of the competition some will say, exactly, with the likes of yourselves, the rest just had to be like you, they have what they deserve! The laws are set others will say, it is legal and thus good, but sorry for you; unfairness (not in the sense of inequality) is and will always stay evil (I'll explain precisely why in another chapter, so don't think you can invalidate what I say too fast with your manipulative arguments, and this applies to everything I say; multi pages detailed explanations to counteract the implanted manipulative arguments the selection uses (have been implanted) to justify its wrong attitude will often be exposed in another chapter (book) nearer the topic). As for those who grew rich from a skill, when they'll be around the peak and feel their admiration party is coming to an end they'll try to fill their empty souls with books from this guru or that, mix in some of the stuff that can embellish their story or attitude, then profit from their prestige to distribute back their new manipulating wisdom as wonderful autobiographies, or their exemplary road to success where they overcame big obstacles (like a dependence), or their secret formulae that should permit everybody to become like themselves. And the selection will appreciate since they can pay for a good editor, they can buy pub, and a few experts to praise how good the book is for sure. Then their greatness will finally be immortalized while the selection continues. And don't worry, it's not me that will change the fantastic influence this reality have to make those who "love" ego people believe they're right to worship them, particularly with total history of selection and the fantastic amount of pub for them everywhere, even in the news. Give them trophies, recognition for their good examples, gold, put them in books, on tape, international funerals, immortalize them anyway you can, choose and "love" your "gods" people!

To go back to my things, while not forgetting that the title of this chapter is "Psychological PMBBD", I'll say that I doubt psy do a better job at making people "happy" in this reality than religions, even if both their goals is to get people working for the ego systematization. The ego emphasis is stronger but less direct with psy, it is more encouraged in people than externally, which, in a way, is worse since the notion of controlling one's ego, even if it have the same effect in the end, is stronger in most religions. But religions more directly limit the rearrangement and elimination of conflicting lines and memories in the mind (more about this in "The Seat Of My Mind" chapter (book)), and thus judgment is more severely impeded in the believer. Psy do a far better job at that for people with more brains by acting from scientific facts (which are not true in a lot of instances). This way of working is the best in an "ideal" reality that cares to give all its people a strong, easy, just and right basis in a maximum of life's facets, including spirituality, while using minimal PMBBD. Yet, even if they would be absolutely necessary in a good reality, most of their stuff would not fit, so they'd have to grow there (psy).

In an ego reality with self-defending learning institutions, all kind of pressures and stress, and without much time, you're almost forced to forget about the stronger controlling gangs and concentrate on finding a spiritual path without searching too wide or inventing it, since not giving yourself intellectual limits to the finding of truth can easily plunge someone in heavy PMBBD decortications for the rest of his life. But it is a wonderful place for the ones who like to dwell in it; psy, news freak, radiomen, and those stupid enough to think complexity or liberty is always a good thing. I won't go against complexity, it have a tremendous importance in a lot of things, but definitively not in the systematization growing people, they are not supposed to "suppose" the truth under a pile of complexity. I'll talk about complexity in another chapter (book), for now the general idea is that good complexity should be useful toward attaining the goals of life or the universe, or it should be satisfying as entertainment which can be seen as positive toward the goals of life in many facets, like better development of senses (you are a sense of life), or reinforcement of truths (art is a truth (except bullshit messages carried by art), music is a truth, painting is a truth (even if it is only a truth of our imagination), etc, etc). Bad complexity is worthless or manipulating complexity based on meaningful things, like we do with the truth of love, or fairness, or liberty. So a big brain full of complexity based on twisting words and principles for manipulation is an evil brain. And a fighter of good should have the right to blast it away if it spreads its bullshit on masses, in a good reality...But in an ego reality such manipulators are not only protected, they mostly are admired, and the better they are at stuffing masses, the richer they are (religions included).

In this reality, for many people unconsciously, the effort of developing an individual independence is not worth it, the energy is "lost" to competing overwhelming PMBBD. Too much PMBBD and psy will add some for their own profit. And the fact that they are closely associated to science doesn't eliminate knowledge exceptions, conflicts, gaps and doubts, some of which may lead to development or atrophy of mind facets depending on many factors. One thing's for sure, you don't make of a doubtful affirmation a final truth. Lifelong loss of energy from exploring worthless or negative interrelated complexities or doubtful possibilities kept open under one's own will can't be looked upon positively by this reality in its terminal phase that needs everybody working hard encouraging it; complexity is an argument that can serve any cause.

Individual independence is in limited capacity and is a temporary state in human life, but it is good for consciousness, imagination, understanding, philosophy, and more individual independence. It is rare in this reality because the systematization of everything for ego makes it not useful; everybody is an innocent or lost part of a pyramid among a million satisfying all "quirks" for profits, to the point that a fuck all free for all order of things is taking over the world (hell). Everything exists and all you have to do is choose your complex image, a philosophy and a sexuality, as some kind of individuality. Often just living is enough; there are people who act like their brains is worthless, while our actions define what we are...but just sustaining those ways will be enough for most people and they'll let the rest degenerate in front of a screen. The rest of global imagination needs that can fit the evolution of ego reality will be developed from present momentum; a ridiculous 1% of planetary population is a lot of people doing it...

We are dropped in a controlled for exploitation system, where the selection is made by pressure, or the encouragement of those who best fit the ideals of those who get most means. Most people have such difficulties forming a decent basis of judgment in youth through all the PMBBD and diverting activities that they end up as worthy only if they are superior at something, and they'll be all-right as long as they feel superior in this something. The problem is that it devaluates the human to the level of a machine since robots and computers can be better; we'll stuff your expertise in them someday, so you better be scared and stash and profit as much as you can before it happens...I may not explain well this part, it mostly mean that principles and spirituality thread on the same grounds as love; all are very important, particularly for willpower without money, and not having a basis for either of those send innocent people running everywhere on a quest to find their "gods", only finding ego, manipulation and profit. The youth must learn a basis of good principles and true spirituality at school (which can only be based on possibilities, and such a spirituality doesn't exist yet, but I'm setting the basis of it), one from which they can extrapolate later in life from, or dump altogether if they want. Triple problem; you don't learn principles that make sense, you can't individually spring from no good spirituality, and when you adopt one you're exploited or condemned to it, I could add that love doesn't make sense and truth is a pile of PMBBD.

To get back to my subject, I'll say the ego, knowledge and judgment of the psy have a more direct effect on people while the preacher's powers is more proportional to the associated strength of the institution backing him up. Many psy understood that all wrong and hybridized their professions with pieces of "spirituality" fitting their personal view becoming preachers and making bullshit out of their profession. Even if they can be compared, psy is an institution and religions is another one. Still, both profit from the problems people have in the reality, and their innocence in a lot of instances, to further push them to adapt to the point of making them actually vulnerable to PMBBD. However, religions can directly fill a spiritual need in an incomplete reality, but this is now taken by happiness books and sects, even if the recipe can always work on most with heavy PMBBD. My conclusion is that psychology and psychiatry is the way to go but you won't get "happier" than an illuminated in this reality and both never doubt the reality, in part because they defend the ego-gods association, and in part because they need it to keep their strong presence; their profits. But don't worry; you can contest any opinion I have...

I may not have a good opinion of psy in this reality, but my vision and psychology is my own invention, not compatible with the present ways. It is very good and work very well for me and maybe another reality, but I surely wouldn't want to reinvent their job as it would be worse than of no use. So I'm just criticizing while my life is an example that good spirituality, whatever it includes violent suggestions of blowing-up evil, can make someone in the most difficult situation more healthy and good than their patient full of happy pills work well.

And I invented it all in my individualism, in fact, if I compare what I do with my life to what this reality believes as truth concerning humans, I'm stuck saying I'm inhuman. When everything is taken into consideration, I should not exist under this form, so either I'm inhuman or this reality is gravely mistaken in its truth about psychology, psychiatry, the mind, the human and life, or it makes no sense for me at least, so what am I? And the more I advance in life, the more out of this world I get; this is just the beginning, I'm not done, there are many more steps ahead of me, all critical to understand everything and form your judgment about where I'm going. Even after I'm done writing, I'll just have settled things in myself forming a whole, a base. I don't precisely know what will be my conclusions even if I know I'll conclude with a vague project, but the way I'm going I'm better be truly inhuman... And next is aging from this, but whatever I'm 10 years late, whatever the difficulties I chose to endure, I believe I will age well, so psy are better not get near me, I just don't function in any way they think.

I say people are not supposed to have such sufferings, and such desire to fill their soul, particularly in a reality full of entertainment, psy and specialists, good expensive specialists who are supposed to care and understand life and the mind, so what's the problem? For many I believe it is a proof the reality made them fail to become adults; they're still innocent, they never became independent, and they need to pay a psy at the first sign of adaptation troubles. That's what you gain from trying so hard all your life to be a sociable animal; you end up dependent, perfect for this reality as you even make people like me feel like they got a black heart. If you make a depression blame yourself and your reality but don't come talking to me like I'm supposed to be your psy, my attitude will worsen your state...

I hope you don't hate sarcasm or irony because you'll meet some in this book (s). For me it's one of the last defensive barrier of integrity for many things, a way I can battle this reality; I must use sarcasm and irony to fight stupidity and evil since those can always be totally justified in this reality as any argument can be found and used to defend anything. Without sarcasm and irony I won't write, so leave me be. If you don't want to laugh about things, to be sarcastic or ironic, then you got to take things seriously; I cover both options in one package, I'm sarcastic (against evil) and ironic (sometimes) because I take things most people don't, seriously. And when you don't like someone or something, you're stronger on sarcasm and irony, and it's still worse when you don't respect someone or something; this can give an ugly mix, like satire. I can't do otherwise than to mix in my emotions too, and this is why the mix will need psychological support unless nobody reads it...Finally, there is me that will need to invent myself some psychological support along the way if I'm not to fail all this.

Who decided sarcasm was definitively bad anyway? The same who invented narcissism? I'm forced to use humor, it's part of me, I can't do without it, but in the situation of this book, manipulators will judge it as totally skewed. Do with it; you'd prefer a million deaths than a pain to your ways, or susceptibility, or belief, and the same with immovable granite blocks jamming every passage. It is my poetic recipe, not a stupid satire or entertainment! Twist and contort all you want, people are condemned to all kind of media opinion all infinitively better than mine, they don't have millions of viewers for nothing after all... But I will use all I can muster against the vastness of them ego mouth, humor, sarcasm, irony, hate and many more things like these which makes me human. Finally, to close the mouth of some manipulator, these things never stopped someone from being romantic; you are not either cynic or romantic, it's PMBBD, there are all kind of such affirmations to divide people and get an ego to thrive, and I hope someday we'll have adequate tools to fight them. Oh! Did I say something bad? If you have the freedom to force things in my head while you have the power not to, then I must have the freedom to fight you, with guns if talking or writing is not effective. And this applies to all pub; I must have the choice or freedom to absorb it or not if this choice can be given to me! Force it on me and I should have the right to force you to stop it!

And the "happy" selection may not notice or care, but there are people who do, like me! But as always I must tolerate, adapt and accept in peace, the worst is for me since I decided to stand, because I'm different and do care, not only a few days a years to get rid of it or for image, but I care continually. And if expressing oneself is not possible without ego intelligence scraping everything, then humanity is wasted, death, violence, war and evil until the end; we are condemned to contortions of languages and only writings that can satisfy publicized markets can be seen as positive. We're background chimpanzee noise meaning nothing except profits, insignificants in our great liberty of expression since the selection have been created to fit wanted expressions.

So for those readers of people who could never read me, now you'll have a book to understand how it is possible that you're deficient in your reading; it's not me that is unreadable, it's you that don't know how to read, or your human knowledge is probably limited to the selection of your social reality, or you do it from wrong clues, or you read only your reality's language... And for those who read me right away, maybe you're reading too fast or your judgment base is wrong; you don't learn much if you're reading it too fast or diagonally, and you can't know everything from simple physical or attitude clues, even if it is easy to deduct, unacceptable under any forms or behind any facades, evil actions that no worth of good can overwhelm. Next, the lies or mental detectors "gods" some like so much to believe they are, are a joke to harass "inferiors"; you think you're going to imprison rich manipulators? You're a manipulator too! All these are reasons why I'll give another kick on the same spot of language competition twisting used to eliminate some exceptional people from this reality to continue creating the perfectly fitting and interdependent selection. And to laugh at the predictability of the arguments used to manipulate such people as me into inferiority or submission. I'll add that it is a natural process, human natural, which can naturally use any unnatural tool or senseless argument to do whatever form of "natural selection"...

I'm a megalomaniac because I think, imagine and visualize great things, so don't come at me brandishing that one like a great truth to squash me into obedience (anyway, you'd have to know who or what I'm controlling except myself). I'm pathetic (this is the word I detest the most hearing, makes me feel antipathic...) in my way of seeing things, it's classic lowlife stuff. I'm a hateful being too, so hateful it's pathetic. Hate is not constructive you say? Don't we need to destroy before building better things? Destroying historical things, I like that! Ah! I'm retarded, I'm not far from reproducing with the chimpanzee since I criticize the attitude of libertine people, mmm, aren't libertine people more prone to do these kind of things? I'm moralist because my opinions are different from the mass, my solutions are always attitude related, and I must express them if things are to change. I'm pessimist, it's because of people like me that things go wrong, you can't remove people's illusions or placebo effects in this reality unless things go very wrong! I'm a sociopath because, because I don't like the way people are in this reality and that is seen as evil, I'm a psychopath because I have brain and I'm cold with assholes unless I end-up in prison, but aren't psychopaths unemotive serial killers? I spice that with misanthropy; the total! But I'm a loony so don't give attention. I'm slightly schizophrenic, could explain those crazy theories, and crazy for the farfetched associations. I'm lazy and I profit from the system because I don't encourage it, and I'm an egocentric if I don't encourage it, so suicide is my only option to feel good. Oh! A narcissist almost forgot that one. I'm psychotic because I'm far out of reality standards. A paranoid since I have a different opinion than the mass, or because I don't explore other possibilities? You know that doesn't work don't you? A potential killer because I'm a loony. I hate women because I'm alone or don't like the exuberant ones who talk a lot; I'm sexist because I like mental and physical difference between sexes, at least I'm sane! But I'm an insecure frustrated homosexual missing its coming out feature because I'm alone (gotta say something fast, if not, it will be a proof that I am, no, no, that's not it, gotta say nothing because if I defend myself it will mean I am; open mouth, close, open, close, freeze.) And I'm suffering from homophobia at it because I'm a homosexual that don't "love" homosexuals?? I'm obsessive compulsive since I have a tendency to count how many times I hear things, ah, no, sorry, it's because I'm an independent individual following my own laws of good and evil. I'm a fanatic from believing too much in myself, or is it life? Or is it love? If I'm mentally retarded, it's because I didn't have an easy youth. I'm suffering from having multiple personalities so I'm kind of complicated. I practice insubordination; I tested this in the army. I judge people while it is evil. I practice discrimination; it comes with my bad habit of judging people. I'm a moron, but a moron intellectualizing everything and that's bad, some intellectual said it! I'm monotonous (look at synonym), I scare women away with that. I'm still a baby because I say no to everything of this reality; I must adapt, accept and tolerate to become an adult. I'm a compulsive liar because I don't have much experience at talking and I'm scared of people's reaction if I talk truthfully. I'm a sociopath since I don't like the socialization options of this reality. I'm suffering from all kind of mental displacements as I don't order things in my brain like most people do, or is it what they call a mental disorder? I'm a masochist because the way I have chosen is not the least resistance path. I'm a fatalist; "dust to dust" could be my motto. I'm a traitor because I'm not a fervent nationalist. I'm crazy because I make associations different than those I hear from psy. I'm pretentious; I pretend to know things without a diploma. I'm suffering from a complex of inferiority too, I'm suffering from a complex of superiority he too! Mmm, inferiority plus superiority equals...mediocrity? I'm suffering from a complex of mediocrity. Why does it sound so bad? It's democratic you know, 50/50 mediocrity! But sorry I invented that one "superiority" never heard it, strange, it could be true you know, but don't worry you won't find it in the psy nomenclature, only a complex of inferiority can exist for an ego reality...Want more? Find some, there are many ways to make war to a mind you know, someone like me is bad, very bad...Go right ahead, I'm sensitive, I'm insensitive, I'm presumptuous, I'm psychotic, I'm a lunatic paternalist that infantilize, etc, etc. there's a whole variety of problems to add for my fingernails eating rages too, don't forget those, neither some blasphemous antichrist paroles as an add-on, and you can invalidate anything I say with a shut-up argument to the effect that I'm on the defensive because I defend my view with arguments, like I shouldn't, and defending my view is a proof that I'm wrong...And you can finish me off by saying my problem is that I think the whole world is against me, but no, I think the world don't give a shit, and hurry, there is no mental problem for this belief...yet...Now, what is the truth of me? The actions I make that define what I am? You can't be a king if you ain't got a kingdom...And aren't you supposed to show respect to the mentally ill? Proportional to number of problems...

It may be funny when you look at it that way, but not for me. Most of those and more have been shot at me throughout the years while doing my short term at socializing because I don't fit in. It is not a joke, there are parts of my life where I cumulated such scrap, changed attitude to collect a new batch, change attitude to collect still more as I evolved in my opinion, until I abandoned socialization instead of taking an inappropriate place for me. They are a part of the "why" I'm a loner (the other main factor is violence, mainly from jealousy), and psy science should pay me for this, it's part of its effect, since the stuff came with the rise of this science (If such negative tags didn't come from there, then someone please explain where they come from? And are they good for people?)

I know I've been really bizarre, but I always saw it as a temporary steps related to the storm in my head, and I never caused problems to people willfully. I even smiled at it, I made jokes on myself, I knew I was learning from a totally different track than most people. Yet, this kind of stuff have been a difficulty in my life, some was friendly, but most was meant to crush me. Maybe today I'd still have friends if it was not spit everywhere, psy...

So why the free distribution? Why trying to make the sticker "stick"? Why the spreading like I'm a worthless crap? The reputation I reaped from my view on things is that I got a problem in the head one way or another, and after I stopped expressing what I believed in, I end-up tagged as "just cute"! I say many people are more jealous than they think, since I'll add it is mostly men who used this stuff to qualify me, the highly social kind particularly, the one more prone to suggest I should consult... But I learned my lessons well, I know what such words are supposed to mean, contrary to people using them at all sauces, and since I got a little more class, then I try to skip using them; I prefer humoristic irony, more poetic, and it forces one to confront his logic...

I could forever take things with humor, and I tried before abandoning my smile at the cumulating pile, but it's too much of a good way to be more tolerant and to displace frustration. So instead I decided to get disgusted and I started banishing from my life anybody attacking the integrity of my mind. Then I became a loner. You'd think it womanly to cry over it and send me to the psy to get more? They're in big part responsible for the invention and spreading of a lot of that, and it definitively have a negative effect in millions of people. And I'm not talking about the scientific methodology that fails to consider the possibility that some mind problems or attitudes could be caused by an evolutionary process, like a new program that will need a few updates to work as intended, what if some forms of schizophrenia were new developing mind abilities? We'll never know since psy science decided to "heal" it, or lobotomize the person with an heavy assortment of chemicals. Furthermore, as I'll explain in Life Infinite, there can be quite a few ways to update life and one of them are viruses, so if the scientific methodology sees viruses as evil life to wipe off the planet, then maybe the update will never reach destination. So who invent all those mental sicknesses? Who profit from describing any mental attitude not submitted or adapted to this reality as a negative mental problem? People having a party? The ego reality when seen globally, but it all come from the scientists of human attitudes serving the reality while thinking they know everything about the mind, until they become so low someone under social assistance feels the need to give them a lesson.

Whatever you do that doesn't fit in this reality is an argument to end-up in front of a psy. And when you've had enough of receiving, by the selection, all kind of mental warfare tags, where are you supposed to go to? The psy, always, and the pharmaceutical industry which will readjust your brain chemistry to try making you happy. But I'm a living thing, not a batch of chemicals that must be controlled by psy, scientists, pubs, capitalism, entertainment, or more appropriately; this reality.

To put a final point about my loneliness, what you have to understand here is the complexity of life, particularly the mind, within the perfection of everything. So while some people can be loners, it shouldn't be the normal path of most people, to make things right. As I would later test my socialization capacity from being forced to it for a few years, I found it exceptional, yes, that much, I mean steady competence with normal people of different age groups (there are exceptions). After a lot of loneliness I gained like socialization maturity by being alone, weird, and no hint of becoming a control freak, quite the contrary in fact. But while it's nice that I don't have the candor to be seen as wrongly as before, or take an attitude to piss people off, and I better understand where people are mentally so I'm more helpful, the problem is that it's useless to me except as being like a sage. The question is; do I put my time in this? I know I can help people a lot, but my writing is supposed to do this job better than what surfaces as my personality when I socialize. It's a matter of goal, and adjusting for smooth socialization is different as a goal than to change the world...And I've never been much of a competition guy when socializing, and I have nothing to prove much these days, so it is the understanding aspect of my personality that shows, another factor is that I've learned that confronting people is not good for my health or liberty, so I try to steer away from conflict, except when I have to, but no goon to protect me, and I got to live, I'm important...This applies to my opinions too; if you asked for my opinion a few years ago you would get it bluntly, but now that I'm a diplomat I try to spare susceptibilities, because I fear for the integrity of my head, the part that got hit the most in my life for telling my opinion, and my experience is that I can't trust people, to the point that's it's a real problem, a justified paranoia from past experiences, I currently live in an 4 rooms apartment where new guys come and go every months, anybody can debark here (assassins, spies, thieves), and the fridge is for everybody, so you can bet I watch my food for signs of alteration (poison, drugs), and I watch for microbes too. I hate this situation, this is not a place appropriate for me, it's even cold to the point that I can't get out of my bed and write adequately! But that's better than the streets I guess...

Yep, that's the same kind of pattern that in part led me to quit socialization in the first place, not being able to tell my opinion without reaping physical or mental violence, and here I am doing the diplomat, dealing my opinion for peace, and that is uninteresting to me, so I'm back to the start; I prefer no socialization than to become a traitor to the investment I make developing my opinion, in the name of fearing a sudden attack to my head, I need my head, and I've got it hit and insulted often enough to know my fear is justified. Removing my candor prevent people from getting frustrated misjudging me though, and the people around me are more mature, so I may as well survive my ordeal!

I still suffer from loneliness, I mean really suffer, and I think it's because I gain nothing from socializing, I've heard or thought about it all, or seen it all, so I'll probably be back alone as soon as I move to another city that won't try to institutionalize me (the reason I ended in the streets, forcing me to live in the same apartment for 20 years after I've been removed the monetary capacity to pay for private lodging, but that's only one thing, you wouldn't believe what I lived through at that place, then I fought for my liberty (the Canadian thing) and I ended-up in the streets with nothing). I would say it goes with independence a lot, you feel more alone when you're truly independent, so I've come to the conclusion that to feel less alone I would have to become more dependent from people (that applies to a whole civilization and nothing wrong there; there are many dependence factors necessary for high level knowledge expertise and creation, but the other aspect is that a civilization making everybody dependent from itself has many fundamental responsibilities (fundamental rights) to fulfill (defend) to permit the continuation of a sane evolutionary process for life) but how do you do that in my situation if I gain nothing from socializing? The answer to me is love, I think being in love would be a good form of dependence, in my ideal of love which is quite unlikely to happen, forever less as I grow older, willfully at it (I think I'll have to settle for sex and affection someday). I could more appreciate friends and family in such a scenario too, I may even see it as a critical factor for the health of my love situation. For now I'll do the social part in my writings, and I'll make it available free, lots of time and effort involved, probably more than you'll ever distribute through classic socialization, and it will be available to everybody, forever...

For those who will want to do the loner thing, there are a few factors omitted from the sciences of human behavior that you should take into consideration. First there is the pressure selection for gregarisation where people can become genetically (born) inapt to act independently in some facets of their life, the ant society dream of many civilizations. Second, it's a very bad idea to pass from high socialization to absolutely none, depression or craziness awaits (can take whatever physical form, chemicals can show reduced, neurons can die, voltage can decrease, brain can get smaller, etc). Third, living in a society that glorifies socialization will make it more difficult for sure too. Fourth is time or habit; you can't remove someone from a lifelong habit of socialization, and the more time is passed reinforcing the habit the more difficult it is to stop it. Fifth, you need comparatives, and while competition is not necessary for this, you need some level of interaction to develop adequately, you don't raise a baby alone in the dark supposing he will be normal...The same could apply to hiding the truth from people to protect them, which brings me to the sixth point; knowledge, you don't remove the ability to gain and verify knowledge. Finally, you need limitless ability for introspection, and that doesn't apply to animals, so fuck you and your studies based on animal behavior you extrapolate to human beings, because I've never seen a single one of all these factors taken into consideration or mentioned in any scientific methodology about the social behavior of people, almost sounds like conspiracy, but I'll settle for total psy scientific incompetence...I could even add a forced extraction effect, again mainly valid for animals; "gods" removing animals from their social interaction can be taken like a punition, but that effect is relative and mainly applies to those animals that are social, or not selected to be made dependent from human care. For humans you got to take into consideration all the mental abilities of the person, being alone is the greatest test of one's mental fitness, a test that can lasts a lifetime, something that is completely out of reach of your classic social animal...You got to know what you got to do to keep sanity, and it seems no psy scientist has an idea...

Now, all that absolutely doesn't mean people are supposed to grow alone, I'd fight the idea, in fact, if I talk so much about it it's because I'm frustrated that I can't have it in a rewarding way; I get more rewarding results socializing with myself. So I think people are supposed to be social to some extent, particularly in youth, inversely proportional to age in fact, but it all depends on the type of reality; being social in ego reality doesn't give the same result as being social in another reality, and that can lower the quality of exchanges tremendously, as much by the willingness to be a part of a group, or not alone, as the tendency of empathy to supplant one's best way of expression, or by associating social to animals, or by seeking to fill the earth with a sick quantity of people, or by developing unnecessary fears. As for me, loneliness happened slowly, from repetitive deception, and I successfully developed the tools to keep my sanity, even if I went near losing it...

It's like talking alone, I tend to talk when I play games, I talk myself into strategies, I take decisions loudly, I explain why I think I failed, if I drive a car I describe what's going on, probabilities of accidents, where I'm responsible or not. I talk a bit while watching movies too, never while writing, I don't know why, but after a successful bout I may take a break and talk alone to judge, or to live an emotion, and before falling asleep I'll often describe my day, or develop new visions, like I have a girlfriend or like I'm praying gods.

I find this is kind of top ridiculous that as someone who thinks himself intelligent I find it more rewarding to talk alone than to people, what is that? I'd say it's the grossest failure of a whole reality boasting socialization everywhere, I'm completely invalidating its social animal ideal, in fact, how is it possible that I end-up completely alone and continually find that the friendship of this people or that would have a bad effect on me? The same with love, how is it possible that in this reality that sings love by all its pores for anything, I can't live true love adequately? The same for family that is publicized like extraordinary and I end-up rejecting it all! Yes it's in part me, things could have taken a different turn, I could have an easier view of love, I could have found a way to fit in, but fuck you I say, the reality of my life and my interactions as someone trying to take a good path puts me in conflict with the truth of what I live and the vision this reality has of itself, even if some of these visions are good, it's just that fundamental factors makes it so they are mostly good on the surface, my experience give conflicting results. And yes I'll try to be understanding, and grant the benefit of the doubt, but the fact remains that the level of manipulation is so fantastic that I must reject the whole reality. I'm alone, and once I'll be done writing I'll still be alone, because this reality is not good enough for me, it is not even good enough for animals, so don't inflate yourselves too much, you are no social animals, you are social insects, and your unconscious ideal is an ant society, and I will destroy every last bit of it if I must. Not insects? Why not? Insects don't have bones! Ok, but as social animals you'll be the last of my priorities, or worse if you're an insurmountable obstacle to life's evolution, at least animals only use renewable resources and they don't have the minimal human responsibilities you failed to take with your extraordinary capacities. (They don't teach this at school don't they? Yeah, animals only use renewable resources, but it changes nothing to a discussion with people who are convinced they are animals, I bet these people don't have much of a philosophy of life or spirituality; he who is happy as an animal shall be treated as such, or something like that...And that's someone that is making a life psychosis talking, so it must mean something, probably not, but the fact remains that I definitively think people are best surrounded by some animals, it reveals people a lot, and bring a lot of positive too)

So yes I'm a loner that talks, and my mind seems to think I'm interesting, and I won't have to make an effort if I make a girlfriend, and that's the secret of not talking publicly, while still keeping the capacity. But I've had an argument with a neighbor lately, and it seems she listened to my "ramblings" with far too much attention. And now it seems that her opinion is that I'm crazy and I should consult, yeah, no wonder no one talks to me around here...But yes I talk insane sometimes, it's my skewed humor, and they say it's a sign of dementia, so no way out of it, I definitively have a problem in the head. Am I skewed in my writing too? I bet I am! I bet every writer is having dementia! Because you know, by writing I do the same kind of activity many people talking alone do, something every writer do in a far more intense manner by writing instead of talking. So I got another problem in the head no? Since the psy industry of greater human understanding quickly saw talking to oneself as a mental problem, but not writing, so they could write, alone, doing the same thing, that the other action of talking alone is bad and wrote it in their final book and worked toward stuffing the whole humanity with the PMBBD, until my neighbor use it like a weapon. Maybe the true mentally sick people are psy; everybody talk to themselves, it is one of the greatest of human attribute, you are not much of a person (personality?) if you don't do it, only a brain that don't question things, excellent to tell people to shut-up and bow, tolerate, adapt without a word.

You always talk to an intelligence, if there are none around you can do it to your own, as long as you don't disturb people around I guess, like my neighbor...And the person doesn't do it as a waste, there really is someone listening, but who? It can practice intelligence facets, communication abilities too, just like social, you may even want to practice doing it so you can one day have friends that will appreciate...It is often a way to attract attention too, to say "help me do something, or I'm not well, or I'm an innocent trying to understand! But your practicing may not necessarily make you better doing it, or you may only have ugly things to say, isn't it why you ended up alone talking to yourself in the first place? And you wouldn't dare disturb people in their entertainment, or great self-importance...

Those people are often in this situation because nobody cares, misery again, people with a heart pained more than most, they have more frustrations and they are the ones we should try to listen the most to, they want to fight, they want to talk, but this reality will tell them to shut up, that they are crazy or insane, while you'll go make loud prayers to implant religious stuff in your mind, losing your sanity, instead of doing it alone fighting for your sanity and building a more complete mind, but you'll really go crazy in ego reality, food for psy! I would guess you don't become a politician that way, babbling in the streets as the frustration forever increases until you're only good to babble insanities. So, even if you know you have a key to something within your mind, you may never have a iota of potential at transmitting it adequately if the reality sees you as a wasted crazy to fill with medication or psy soothing paroles.

Talking loudly gives a stronger consciousness effect than doing it only in your mind. It is almost instinctive, why do you think people let out an out of control set of dirty word when they hit their little toe? It is exactly the same, but one is crazy while the other not, why? The pain is different, a long and profound cumulated pain will eventually surface as words, and like the one that stuck his little toe, it won't be pretty stuff. Are they better doing it? Or better stuffed with a pill cork? I say they will heal more if they do it, they're getting a more complete mind "repairing" or "rearrangement" effect, if the reality helps, if not, they may increase their trouble, or get more frustrated shouting "this is my problem, it must be arranged to continue my healing" while nobody cares or worse.

There are many reality problem people can do nothing about whatever they sacrifices their life becoming crazy to be an example, and for who? For others mainly, I'd bet the only way to really help many of such people would be to arrange things so their problem doesn't happen to others, and there you may see them finally raise. But you may be faced with a half insane warrior of life, because in the whole lot he is the one that acted in the closest relation to life's ways, in a sense he fought for life against imbeciles enemies of life that forced him, through their great knowledge or pharmaceuticals, to inadequate healing. But I shouldn't generalize too much, there are crazies speaking alone, they should close their mouth, go to the psy and take a pill, like many "sane" people do...

But many are life battlegrounds, even if they're unconscious of it, they are standing warriors battling between good and evil in their mind, and yes, growing a better or worse mind. Did you ever say a stupidity you regretted? First you regretted, but next, what will you do? Thinking time, justifying time, and listening to yourself saying "stupidities" can give the same result because you know you're talking to a listening intelligence, unless there is a manipulator around to say you have no right to judge people or the reality, or judge yourself talking to your own intelligence...Still, talking to oneself may not be the best medication if you are living hell or went through hell, what you'll end up doing is an impossible quest that is guaranteed to fail, making of yourself a crazy along the way, you'll just forever play in a hellish ugly pit of self-justification. But there's a trick...

In a sense this book is exactly that; someone that talks alone to an intelligence, the life intelligence. If a psy had asked me the simple question "what is your problem young man", some years ago, and me as the innocent young man with a heart loaded with emotions, with a good intelligence, but that needed to deal with my emotions first, if you had asked me that question, and in my mind the answer was this book (s) under an all mixed-up puzzled form, going through my emotions; you'd have had a man that can't make sense. The good psy would have deducted I had a problem in the head, call it mental disorganization or something, and I'd have been lucky to get away without another rendezvous for his profits, or a bottle of pills for some pharmaceuticals profits, or without the feeling that I'm sick in the head, but normal, and sex. I'd get out of there with him as an added problem in my mind, maybe I'd even leave his place to go talk to myself alone to try to explain what the fuck, hoping to gain the speech ability to come back and not kick him in the nuts, psy of greater human understanding. And that's what I'm doing with this book (s), not much talking alone, but lots of writing alone, and a big part of it is dedicated to psy science which is half bullshit and a problem in many facets of life. I've always been right to run away from them because they would have destroyed my mind, even my life, with their opinion about my mental sanity, and that applies to everybody who tried to manipulate me with their doubtful knowledge. So I do the same kind of thing people who talk alone in inconsistent frustration and hate do, it is all through my book, and I'm at the same level this reality want of our kind that make fantastic efforts, to the point of going crazy, to understand what this reality made impossible to understand with its selection that wouldn't care to understand anyway, unless something can be gained, for them or their reality, whatever that is.

How many negative tags have been invented to qualify any mentality not fitting the goals of profiteers? Then you'll say people must take those tags positively, that there is nothing to be ashamed of? They are negative whatever your manipulations, they affect people, life, negatively, whatever the bullshit placebo, and you are proud of that? You like to make people feel they are a problem in your society? You want them to listen to you as the only way to know if they are sane? Maybe they are far more worthy to life than you and your well paid job learned by heart, at least they don't carry a self-impotence (sorry, importance) effect that they're great benevolent beings helping others; you pointed them the hole of inferiority, they took it, and some even unconsciously took the means to discard your whole reality to live as crazy failures in the hands of life, and they may be the less costly humans for their worth, they are so beyond your self-importance, psy, that they spit on your profession unconsciously.

In the face of life they'll be the cleaner ones understanding better while you'll be the dirtier ones understanding nothing. You'll have lived your life comfortable in your certitudes, thinking you did your best, while misery became your market, but I'd never underestimate the power of life, whatever it doesn't exist in psy science...Life can do things you'd judge totally insane; what would you say of someone that developed HIV? Life did action reaction; crazy enough? And it birthed you too, so beware who you are insulting, you may become the terrain for the next gregarine sickness to infect the like of yourself in reality with your affirmations affecting millions of people, you like psy maladies? Who knows where humanity would be today if it had worked with life instead of against it, but some are probably already thinking it would have given them "god" powers...so no way out of it. Life doesn't work like that, it won't place a lightning bolt in the hands of someone for sure, and don't think you'll get it by believing in your version of god (s) either, unless life systems gear themselves to destroy humanity, laughing at the stupidity of your ego dreams... and don't think life can't laugh, it developed laughing, and lightning, and its jokes can be sarcastic or very painful, and I know what I'm talking about here...

If your wrong view of mental health becomes strong enough to affect humanity as a whole then humanity reap the problems as a whole, including me that won't be happy about it at all. Life is slow, what we spit on it today may take a hundred to many thousand years to take life "gift" form, longer than ego lifespan permits, to force a civilization to exist from straight principles. An ego reality is sure to fail in a war against life this way; you do things for humanity, to help life, not for your ego ass that lasts 100 years. And don't twist my words, life don't want you to live in poverty, to sacrifice, or to think altruism, you are life, you're supposed to live comfortably, minimally, and spend some time relaxing and doing things and entertainment, but you got to work for the advancement and comfort of life in a global sense too. And you can play all kind of ego games to some extent, as long as you keep fairness in mind, in adequacy of work value.

So apart from the hordes under PMBBD influences who throw around psy inferiority tags to grow their ego on the back of any anomaly they see in someone healthy, apart from the fact it serves well this reality, it is the psy science that profits from it. Sometimes I wonder if it's not a failed tentative to close their godly expertise and control of human understanding to us, mentally sick inferiors, but then they wouldn't be all over TV. One thing's for sure people with a strong different view all have this mental problem or that, but not them; I wonder why everybody are not taking psy indoctrination courses at school, we'd finally be at peace in a paradise, everybody is a psy understanding everything that's going on as it happens! Imagine the vocabulary and social animal discussions, all hormonal-chemical-pheromonal!

I'm sure that's the worst idea ever, but aren't we slowly doing it indirectly? Where did I take my psy education? What's the use of your great book of preconceptions if people are more dependent than ever? Stuffing the whole humanity with pills because it is sick in the head (like depression)? Creating hateful tags to make some mentalities insignificant? We got to praise your senseless knowledge? And you protect your ego under a pile of words like those? Your bible of problems almost cause more sicknesses than it heals! But it's not surprising since this reality is an institutional wheel making controllable mentally sick people who can be taken care of and deresponsibilized in function of their unconscious emphasis and mental arrangement or illnesses. To finish things in beauty, after categorizing you as abnormal, they'll end-up saying you are normal, not really noticing it doesn't quite make sense, but yes, whatever happens in this reality is normal because there is always an expert or guru with his bible thriving in pseudo-credibility and knowing all about the subject.

To finally recapitulate, my mind have been attacked from all sides because I like exploring intangible realms beyond this reality's limits and philosophy to find truth, making my mind with difficult to express principles while finding a path for myself, in fact, psy science (the IQ thing is part of it) indirectly, through the selection, attacked my mind, because it is better while being in conflict with their general view of life.

I'll add a note for those I qualify as part of the selection, who are still reading even if they feel accused. First, you are good to still be reading, a good point for you since it shows you are capable of looking at yourself as more than a category of people, you judge if the point at hand is how you are, and you don't immediately reject something that can shake your beliefs. I know you'll probably still get tired of my attitude and pointing finger, but I won't stop it to make more fans for sure. Innocence can't forever be a justification, or a free pass; someday you got to question yourself, question what really is good and evil, and what attitude you have; you can't just accept a way of things because others accept it, or choose an opinion on the pile thrown to you from the system's mass medias (T.V. Internet, Radio, politicians, religions); you got to develop your individuality if you really want to be a complete human, or an adult. So, even if in my view your individual evil is small beside those I really hate, someday you got to understand better why things will not really change, why different mentalities will never thrive, and no writer who is comfortable in this reality will ever do it. So understand me too; I must explain all the reasons why I believe things work this way or that in this reality, and taken globally, the selection have a major effect in it, to say the very least. I'll talk about the attitude of the selection all through my work since the only way for the changes someone like me to ever be happy is if we develop another reality (unless people massively start striving to act differently, you can take the path I'll describe, the path of life instead of the ego path, and no need to live the life I have chosen to live or believe everything I say, you can make your own path while knowing your effect on others and life). One way or another you'll have to tolerate my style since you won't find my view of life anywhere else than in my writings, this may be the only book (s) in this world that will explain many taboo visions without sparing susceptibilities too.

I visited all kind of mental states to their extremes going crazy finding my way to what I'm supposed to be living, this reality is made for another kind of people than me, I'm a test to it and it ridiculously failed, and I'm a test to myself and I'm totally successful, whatever the price I pay. So yes I raged and depressed from all this and much more, but I'm still alive and I did it without alcohol, drugs, pills, credit cards, hospitals, friends or help, without growing ugly, fat or skeletal so surely there in something not totally wrong with my brain! So what is all this stuff?

This is psychological subjugation and manipulation and I have beaten it all. What do you do now with someone like me in your reality? Now that you utterly failed to place me? Invent the next step in your government suites, still growing its extraordinary inefficiency just to prevent another one from passing through? Nothing, you'll do nothing as long as I'm alone in my rat's hole, since I'm not supposed to defend myself or tell my opinion if it doesn't fit in the mentality of this reality. What do you do now with all those people I met who acted like they know better than me who I am? The same thing eh? We are supposed to judge people, but it does not give us the right to squash them with quick insignificance. How is it possible that I've been thrown all that, and the worst I used is "stupid" or "moronic"? I'll alienate myself this whole world without using any of this, you're jealous? What's the problem here? I'm the problem?

Ii should, if I had the right attitude, with all I've been through in my life, all the people that got frustrated misjudging me, who insulted me, kicked me, acted condescending with me, I mean, you wouldn't want to live through my memory here, as a cute guy that took life with candor, it is simply unbelievable how much people have been assholes with me, and I'm the smiling kind, really, a gentlemen, the ugly of this book is not how I am in reality, it is my experience and description of it if, where the problems are. I tolerate a lot before flushing, yes there are exceptions, and I did bad things, and things got better as I became older (because I've become a "manager") but in my memory I know, and I tell you that all my life I've never heard someone say he's sorry for his shitty attitude with me, (except my mother once, but she didn't have much of a choice), and me I did many times. So why should I be careful of my language? Why should I spare people? Maybe I should take my life as an example, how jealous people acted with me because I tried to stand for things! My experience in life should be the basis of my judgment, and while I know I have been far from perfect, I tried to repair things as fast as I understood my wrongs. Lucky I have met exceptional people like my love, so I'll still explain everything with as much respect as I can muster to talk about evil, while I curse every jealous that will desecrate my work, or deny its value, or laugh at it, or invent lies to destroy my credibility; I want respect, I want appreciation, I want people to care, and I'll take my rage all the way to after death if that's all what's left to me. So go ahead, discard all that with some psy bullshit, like the intelligent type that people kicked and now he's working alone in his laboratory on how to destroy humanity? A complex of prosecution I think, to put the problem away from the source and on the shoulders of the one that can't take it anymore, there are many movies encouraging this sick piece of psy crap...

Even humor is embarked in the mental malady boat, if your humor fits the media style, then you have a good sense of humor, but if you find anything else funny then you are going too far, keep it in the family, you have a warped (abnormal) sense of humor, and it is a sign of future dementia (yes, scientifically proven at it, I guess I'm having dementia, I fit the criteria, all this stuff in my mind that I inflate my ego with? Wrong, dementia, I had a very skewed sense of humor at 10, really, skewed, sometimes with malice involved...). So what is this bullshit? Humorist on TV decide who and what is funny, not me I guess...And what is this "warped" thing? And what is this science? No definition of warped, just something to make different minds feel bad, it's the psy bullshit epoch thing where everybody thinks he's into psychology, psy bullshit is the new sign of intelligence!

The truth is that we can make any variant of a mind the general one, we could grow a warped civilization and they wouldn't suffer from dementia, aliens may have a different sense of humor and they wouldn't be sick in the head for it. Now, when I say bad science, I mean bad psy science, there may be an increase of dementia in relation to humor style, but the true reason may be more like those media people who spread such bullshit to ostracize free minds. Humorists know and decide what's funny or even intelligent these days, and many people think because they understand a joke or a poem it's because it's a sign of intelligence. Or I get it like everybody else for the social intelligence option, and yes, it's funny, all kind of wonderful feelings, thanks humorist, +1, then there's the banalization of sexuality, and you can bet that those humorists who see sex everywhere like a joke will encourage the trend, until people who don't like to ridicule it are seen as sick. Me I like true funny, but I hate the sell your soul to the devil for funny part (get and spread your dose of PMBBD). You don't have a mind more associated than mine, more caring of life and principles, why would my humor be skewed and not the skewed humor of humorists? That's how it is in hell, when "normal" people make a sour face about your humor, when people make you feel abnormal or bad all your life, then maybe it got a bad effect on the mind, see? Personally, my humor is free of many usual restrictions, I think I'm funny, but I have nobody to test it on, so I may not be funny at all, the same way I find most humorist not funny at all, even sick?

I can even try to override the negative psychology about nail biting, just for fun, what if I say it is a question of evolution? Like more people are going to think in this reality, the more we'll have people biting their fingernails? I personally wouldn't be half the man I am today if I didn't bite them intensively to the point that I have almost no more, (easily manicured, I just don't bite when someone is around...). What if most of it takes place during intensive "high stress" thinking? We could say nails biting through history is proportional to thinking intensity and evolution in the sense that the result of heavy thinking, at least in my case, is a debullshitting of reality and far more logical thinking, which, as I'll explain later, contributes to the optimization process of the mind, all the way to DNA and reproduction. Nail biting could be a question of evolution! The step that separates us from acting like beasts, we don't need no claws no more, I'm a proof of that! Not only that, but my nail biting makes my fingers far more sensitive. And for sex people, since I'm supposed to make a sex revolution too, then I'll add that sex fingers to that, yeah, it's a shame I don't use them much these days...That's it for the positive proprieties of fingernails biting, all is missing is pub people to get involved, make a big fuss and profit structure and computer models and charts about it, getting a multiplicative effect from associating it to living longer, like no fingernails equals less scratching equals more orgasms equals people sleeping better. Let's start the next step in human evolution, a revolution for the removing of our claws, with the benefit of being a stress exit and a great help to concentration and thinking, for some...we can make steel ones anyway (tools).

The adoration of this reality for long fingernails, and its demonization of nail biting all the way to psychology science, is just a mass manipulation to keep people within a retarded schema of thinking. A girl that passes her time taking care of her claws gains no bonus from me, and no problem if you have none...And btw, this book wouldn't have been written without heavy nail biting, say thank you! And fucking respect! Oh, and one last thing before someone thinks about using it as an argument, I've never been sick from eating my nails for all my life, with hands that are not scared to play dirty, in fact, apart from a crisis at around 30, I've got a health of steel, and I think nail biting may have something to do with that too. Anything else? It's not pretty? It's disgusting? Mmm, too much brainwash maybe? I think my fingers are not ugly, and nobody sees me manicuring them, so how can someone say or act like they are disgusting? I bet those same people would fuck with an alien because they saw someone fuck with one in a movie...Twisted retards...and pedophilia or bestiality is the same as fucking with aliens to me...Maybe those people would be better among beasts, until they start shortening their claws...

But maybe I should be a bit more patient since media people are currently twisting disgusting into its exact contrary meaning (at least in French), the evil way of languages, ultimate bullshit, ultimate conflict in the mind, twisting words signification so much they can come to mean their contrary depending on the situation or emotion, or wanted effect. But who cares? Life does, at the most extreme level by preventing your brain from developing any further on the matter, and don't confound filling your brain with "smart ass word manipulation for an effect" with evolution. I wonder what body movement and facial expressions people show when they twist the meaning of disgusting, I bet you'd say "anal sex" in their hear and they'd make the same face, I imagine the type...It's probably homosexuals that pushed the contorted version of this word, because, well, they like it like that...

Now, I wouldn't dare talk about nail biting without ending-up dealing with the psy view of anxiety. I already talked about the sources of my anxiety earlier, but I should be careful with this vision or they'll say that my view of reality is all biased wrong because I have some anxiety, and psy science proved that anxiety makes us see the world negatively, evidently, but that doesn't seems to make sense; why would anxiety make us see things negatively? There are tons of sources of anxiety, nothing to do with negativism, maybe more with fear, or anticipation, or pressure, etc. This reality will use any argument to defend itself to the end as I already mentioned, so if you have anxiety it is because you see things negatively, and if you see things negatively it's because you have anxiety, see? It's like spiraling into darkness, so you better steer away from this anxiety thing. At least it proves there is never, ever, something wrong with reality, if so you'll start spiraling into darkness! Think about it! It's all your fault, you look at the bad, it's illegal, we'll tag you with a mental malady, remove your eyes from there, look at the wonderful façade instead, come, we'll protect you from the truth because it can cause your fragile mind to spiral into darkness! And start intensifying this look and think positive brainwash to skip looking at the ugly, like you don't do it enough, like there's not enough fake, like there are not enough happy people on TV, like there is not enough happy socialization, anti-depression medication, drugs, entertainment...

Is there something else that psy science can throw to attack fine mind and discredit sanity if you're revolted against reality? Ah, they'll surely say a few words about schizophrenia to complete the description of my sick psychology. They'll say I'm suffering from schizophrenia because I smoked pot and that my opinions should be discarded as craziness for it, but isn't schizophrenia a genetic thing? Yep, the science changes on the spot depending on the situation, like if it can serve ego people better. This bullshit association is fairly new but it's already everywhere in the news, and the word is spread directly out of the mouth of psy experts, so there is no doubt to me that the negative tag comes from this pseudo-scientific profession. This reality will twist everything to become invincible, to create the perfect selection fitting the system, and since almost everybody will comes to smoke pot at some point in their life, then those with the means can always discredit anything said or written that they don't like by saying the person has a mental malady, and not a small one, schizophrenia! If they like you then no schizophrenia! Everything fits, schizophrenia associated to pot! In the end people will be able to say completely opposed things to win a point in the ego competition, so don't say you can catch schizophrenia because someone will get all worked up saying schizophrenia is a proven genetic mental sickness, and don't say schizophrenia is genetic because some anti-pot scientist will get all worked-up saying you can develop schizophrenia by smoking pot! I think I'll have to invent my own theory because of the bullshit, and that's what will cause the "end" of humanity, too much bullshit (whatever the form, most war have bullshit as the justification, but it's nothing besides the totally disabled evolution caused by conflicting bullshit.) I have exactly the same opinion about this as I have about homosexuality. It means that pot, as an external factor (extreme) of reality, can influence some genetic propensities, in this case schizophrenia, just like reality can influence the genetic propensity of sexuality. But there's an important missing factor, which is that pot can exacerbate imagination and help develop deep questioning, so if the brain is full of bullshit, then sure, the conflict can become disproportionate enough to cause personality problems, and then psy will be happy to have more patients to put back on track... But everybody is different since I personally know for certain that when I smoke a joint my writing becomes far better, not in imagination (a bit), but in actual form and language. I would say it removes the "retard" effect, it seems to heal all my exaggerations, and I see my quirks far better; it would have been cool to smoke pot all along my work, but I was never able to since it is illegal. Now, that absolutely doesn't work toward the psy view because I'm quite certain to have the schizophrenia gene, and pot makes things better! How about that? Pot may cause problems in exaggeration, like alcohol and many things I guess. In the end, their affirmation would prove that my vision of genetics is actually the right one, I always saw genetics as a 2 sided road, or a line that goes from -100 to +100, so yes, you may be born with 45 points in schizophrenia, and reality things, like pot, can increase or decrease this number. But psy are meant to adapt people to reality as a priority and make money as their job, so if pot smokers become disabled because they begin to understand the mess of bullshit in their head or in the reality, then it's the fault of pot, and they'll make a chemical that remove the "thinking" part, so people become "normal" in their version of normality. Half of psy "science" is bullshit, and the problem they should fight is exactly that; psy bullshit, beginning by their own profession.

The same kind of attitude applies to media people and governments, all full of experts at PMBBD. Even most singers and humorists are expert at PMBBD these days, and the majority of people have been made a reflection of what they want through an historical selection from pressure. The absolute worst place to find expertise is for PMBBD, and this reality is overwhelmed by this expertise over and out because it's the most fundamental tool used by ego people to profit from innocence. The only good expertise to develop concerning PMBBD is the expertise of decorticating it.

So watch them media people and psy who like to curve independence into egotism, they will want to curve introspection into egotism too. I don't know what they say in the dictionary, I'm not an amateur of the book and the definitions are always too short, but I see introspection as finding stuff in you from what you know, which in turn increases your knowledge, including about yourself, and it is continual and variable in function of knowledge and imagination. In short; it's about finding oneself or one's destiny. This reality already invented itself negative synonyms of it, to make the good to mental health activity a bad one people shouldn't waste their time doing, so no need to add some by confounding it with egotism, because you know, thinking about oneself...If you take me as an example, I knew in youth I'd do something special, but without introspection it could be anything, and the reality would have decided in my place with its publicity and manipulations what I'd drive my energy to be special in...With time and introspection I've come to better know as an adult what I can or cannot do in reality with my knowledge of what I can and want to do. As an adult I have chosen to explore the possibility of inventing a new reality because I've found that I can do it, and that it would be far better for me (what my introspection told me about me). I would say it is related to your thinking capacity, there are people who have difficulty thinking or imagining, or in any other mind skill, and those people (a lot) will have their introspection potential proportionally reduced. But like thinking, it is not critical to have it as an extreme skill in everybody, so I would not criticize people for lacking it, it's just that I don't like manipulators...What I mean is that once you're an advanced civilization, introspection becomes less important as a responsibility (as it started for me, but it became fun and important because of what I found), life is not meant to pass its time looking at its ass, even entertainment becomes more productive past a certain point. Personally, if I was born in a good reality, I would probably do 1/10 the introspection I'm doing to battle this reality, and I'd be happy like that, and I'd kick anybody that tell me I'm not having enough of the introspection stuff, or that I'm lazy for that matter (I guess I would be lazy in a life reality, just a guess...) Anyway, I'm not surprised that introspection is not easy for everybody, or doesn't give interesting results in many people, it could even be under an unconscious blockage from historical impeachment, or worse, we went too far in accepting and tolerating and we are genetically becoming this hierarchic species of an ant society the rich want so much, where introspection (thinking altogether) has no use, even personal, only the job and reproduction and the gang is important; food, a feeling of pride, some sex, and there you go...

You could see in my youth that publicity and church babblers got on my nerves, but it was just the first manifestation of something bigger, it started like that and with age it exploded everywhere and became a war against PMBBD. But it took me many years and much introspection to come to this battle, I had to find why I hated pub and church people so much, and today I know that if I feel manipulated in any way, your agenda becomes a chore to me. If you want me to do something then explain why in truth then I'll be happy to help, but never try any form of manipulation (insidious, treats, violence), because not only you'll lose me, but you'll become my enemy too. This is a natural state of things for me, not something I took anywhere else than in my heart, all those who tried to manipulate me failed, even my mother with her spanking (planking?) just got me more revolted. Today I believe it is a sane and good attitude, more than that, I believe good people should fight manipulators, not admire them and treat them like gods. Presently, the best manipulators of this world are the most admired and rewarded while they should be fought like the plague! It's even a question of survival, everything stands on this, our capacity to detect and fight manipulator (life cheaters), it's even a question of evolution and good and evil, and the worst thing you can do with humanity, the main reason we're in hell, is that we combat fairness by justifying its contrary with bullshit, manipulations, and the mind of life (us unconsciously) feels cheated which ends-up displaced in a vast panoply of counter evolutionary and expensive problems and attitudes. I'd say it cost us 75% of our positive potential, without mentioning the many stagnations, even regressions, and the many other effects external to our own asshole. This whole reality is a systematization of cheating (bullshit is one aspect), and we will lose everything for it.

But don't worry, with the help of their armies of workers followers under PMBBD effects with an individuality taken on television and internet and a soul sold to the devil, they'll find all the arguments they need to discredit anybody fighting for a new mentality or ideal. You'll never help someone that live free of your scam, you hate independence and individuality, the only way you accept it is superficially. But I'll fight and defend myself in the name of life, and you created the situation for it where I have no choice to catch your bullshit and throw it back at you unless I lose all I stand for, while you got many choices since this world is yours. But since you're both sore loser and a sore winner, I guess you'll surely try to destroy a lone independent intelligence that can turn your game against you, someone you see as insignificant in your superiority (proven in reality by the money you invest in me, prisoners are more worthy...) Use your arsenal? Go ahead, grant me a fast exit from this hell, it is my enemy, the biggest enemy I could find; ego competition, the force that kills or send to death or make inferior the best life extrapolations, mentally by PMBBD and addictions, and physically by making them defenseless.

I fight this hell, all its bosses, all it's gremlins with all I've struggled to salvage from what has not been totally stolen from me to better control and chain me to the building of pyramids. My independence, my strength of will, my mind, they will be my weapons, forged from my revolt, tested by repelling insistent intrusions. I'll go so far in my argumentation that all will be left to you will be your cheapness, your imprisonment, your violence, your bombs, your armies. I'll dismantle all your mental contortions! I'll invalidate all your philosophical machinations! I'll ridicule all your spiritual manipulations! I'll invent a new mentality! I'll invent a new spirituality! I'll invent a new philosophy! I'll even invent a new reality! I'll invent the way to it! You won't like me as I'll be this missing example proving humans are what they decide to be unless pushed to be something else with PMBBD, dependence and guns. We take great human qualities, the most beautiful words and principles, contort them for profits until they can defend negative attributes and brainwash people with it! I'll clear so much bullshit in this hell, develop so much imagination, prove so much sanity, that someday people will finally accept to question the why and the how it was possible that a guy in the 2000 epoch succeeded at dismantling the mental construction manipulators have worked to build for thousands of years, with the totality of people accepting it and working to make it invincible. It worked one way or the other for all those who accepted to work one way or the other for it, but it didn't stand the argumentation of a poor man who refused all his life to get a job in the name of his view of life, a man who is not a god at nothing, not a saint, not the best, not rich, and surely not popular.

I am a man and an ego one at that, but I have no use for admiration, I'm not the one suffering from an attention deficit disorder or complex of inferiority while I should. What I do, I do it so someone like me can someday live in a peace without ego gods all around and their jaw hanging slave workers to make of my life a hell while exploiting and ruining everybody and everything. Big paroles and admiration don't impress me, show me your actions and the truth of you instead, no falsehood or manipulation. And I'm far from thinking I'm the only one revolted against this reality globally, or who got a truly different mentality that can't be expressed easily, I fear that what is coming is an explosion of conflicts directly created by the ways of this reality. Sometimes I doubt I've got a single problem in the head or a personality flaw for that matter, maybe it is the people composing this reality that developed personality flaws and mental disorders from being under PMBBD pressure from the beginning of time. Maybe I am all right and everybody is messed-up jealous by their acceptance and encouragement of this reality, by defending all kind of wrong things.

As for that bunch of low level psychopaths (psy) of greater understanding of brains, inventing words to tag people that don't fit their ideals negatively, I'm emotional intelligence, I rage, I cry, I laugh, but as soon as I show my intelligence I get insulted with this shit by the first newcomer, when I'm lucky not to get a ticket for a free consultation...People use this word on anyone looking "straight" while the attitude may simply hide deep feelings. In fact, since things are always complicated but simple with me, I think the born psychopaths publicized by the psy industry and media people does not even exists! That is so because I see sensitivities and emotions as vastly learned, and there is my vision of genetics that doesn't work as the intended general idea, which is an on-off thing. To me people are born with all kind of complex interrelated factors, seen as genetic traits, and while many are on-off switches, most work from 0 to 100 depending from parenthood (not all of them final depending of genetic persistence, meaning that if a genetic factor is genetically or reality reinforced to its maximal extreme every generation it can, in certain instances, give birth to a new genetic trait, which could be irreversible, and it won't necessarily be a positive one, it can be a "protest" type new genetic (evolutionary, meant to go over a reality imposed hurdle, which can be a mentality pushed by psy and media people (or those with the means) that has become a grave handicap because the pressure selection eliminated the ideal from the population). It mean the ideal is not the extreme, it is the middle line, 50. A guy with 50 "everywhere" would make the ideal generalist in an ideal reality, but he would be the test of the reality too; if you mess him up, then there's something wrong with your reality since the guy is supposed to have started "perfect". He could shine whatever the hell too, if he decides so, he should be able to since he started with the most equilibrated sensitivities, and he should be able to go back to them if he's still got mind malleability, enough time and the capacity to develop the tools to do the job, but reality would still reap a backslash since he would know his responsibilities. Concerning psychopathy, those factors bring a totally different vision of things. I could say there are a few genetic factors, depending from the genetic pool of parenthood evidently, that will make it so people are born from 0 to 100 sensitive in different areas, then there are a few other genetic factors that will make them emotional to different things, then you mix that with 0 to 100 intelligence, 0 to 100 imagination, and a few more. See all that as being born from 0 to 100 empathic. But that's not all, the youth experience of the guy will influence the result, the reality too, TV, social environment, but the greatest effect will be obtained from the person's own willpower. It means nobody is condemned to be a cold killer from birth, that's total bullshit, the reality makes cold killers. It means a moronic person can become very empathic if he likes it, it mean the most intelligent person with the most sensitivities can become a cold emotionless killer too. Evidently there can be patterns, and whatever I'm not perfectly right in my vision, I'm still far from the vision of current psy science which is meant to put the fault of its incompetence on the people who repressed their emotions from birth because of bad parenthood and reality, again it is a contortion to skip changing things, to keep the system as it is, to put the responsibility of evil away from the true source. You could say that an intelligent person born with below normal sensitivities in an incompetent family without love, having to constantly bow to inadequate socialization pressures developing in sarcasm, added to a few bad quirks, a methodological expertise, no will to develop sensitivities to others nor an emotional repertoire, neither a spirituality to have a vision of good and evil, well, you could end-up with a dangerous psychopath. And yes this reality fabricate quite a few of those. Me? I did start sensitive and emotional and intelligent, but the reality, including my parents, did everything to make a monster out of me, that's why I say that half the job of empathy is the work of the person, I remember I could very well put myself in the skin of others when I was young, but my frustration made it so I often used it to cause pain. What prevented me, in part, from becoming bad is that at adulthood I decided to flush all socialization (sociopath definition for some) and concentrate on finding my true self, because I knew there was a conflict between the emotions I lived when alone and the emotion I lived when socializing, so I put my sensibilities to people on suspension to find why, to understand and heal globally instead of personally. I developed empathy to such an extent, from using my mind and imagination to gain consciousness, to defining good and evil, that it came to encompass everything, from the cell to the human, gods, life systems, the UI, and all these made me emotional, and that's where I found my soul, as I understood the impossible greatness and perfection, all what could possibly be involved in the existence of life.

Finally, one got to deal with psychopathy fourre-tout that TV people made of those with the brains to control themselves, and in their vision, expressing violent emotions doesn't prevent them from categorizing you as a psychopath, but not if you live "love" emotions. That applies to the whole society where you got to control your violent feelings unless you end-up in prison, but you wouldn't dare control your "love" feelings unless you end-up as a bizarre, probably a cold psychopath. Even worse, if you suicide in hell it probably means you don't even have respect for your own life and you're a psychopath! Psychopathy is so much of a load of bullshit that it revolts me to talk about it, it's all a matter of PMBBD, in fact, psychopathy, sociopathy and narcissism are all confounded by the general population to the point of interchangeability, pick one and throw it at someone that sound nonstandard intelligent and it will stick! Oh, and I shouldn't dare miss an opportunity to defend myself in advance from manipulators who will go to the other extreme to prove their conflicting bullshit vision is right, so I repeat the yes there are evil people, ok? Many people don't care for shit, and they are my enemies, manipulators and profiteers among many, but that doesn't applies to me, my whole work will prove that I care about life and everything, so fuck you and your psy "science"!

And that applies to justifying and defending, which can be another crap argument to qualify someone as a cold calculating psychopath manipulator murderer, if I don't justify then you leave me without any tool to explain my point of view, all what will be left to me is exploding in violence, ok? The same if I base my life from logical principles, it's a sign I'm a psychopath, if I'm hard with some people it's a sign I'm a psychopath, if I think someone giving me troubles is jealous it's a sign I'm a psychopath, if I think differently and the social standard is inadequate for me to feel well it's a sign I'm a psychopath, if I'm alone it's a sign I'm a psychopath, if I hate this reality it's a sign I'm a psychopath, if I use my experience at living to explain things it's a sign I'm a psychopath, if I explain the difficulties of my life it's a sign I'm a psychopath, if I find I'm not responsible for these difficulties it's a sign I'm a psychopath, if I romance my things to feel better it's a sign I'm a psychopath, I'm a psychopath depending on the emotion I live, its intensity as a reaction to different situation, so if I suddenly get angry but immediately gain back control it's a sign I'm a psychopath, while not forgetting that I must control my emotions in front of the police and justice system that will say that if I'm calm it's a sign I'm a psychopath, and fatally, if I write these lines it must be a sign I'm a psychopath. That's enough signs I think, pepper that with narcissism when you feel like it, and don't forget the truth competition that is the justice system, so the psy on my side will say I'm mentally healthy, while the psy in the opposite camp will tell me I have a mental problem, but then a different psy will debark to say I'm actually having an amalgam of mental problems. But aren't they supposed to be competent specialists working from scientific facts? Maybe we should imprison the ones that are wrong...

We're lucky we don't start analyzing animals for signs of psychopathy, or is it an intelligence thing? Seriously, it makes sense, the more you're nonstandard intelligent, the more this society wants to see you with a mental problem, pressure selection, risk management, fear, hypocrite psychological warfare unconsciously fought by people who think they are intellectually superior as they brandish narcissism to and fro; self-inflated people is my definition of narcissism, and everybody understands it, I'm so intelligent... At least insects don't have mental problems, problems come proportional with intelligence in this reality...Or is it that the more apt intellectually the more prone to revolt against society and the more it will want to bash your head in? But stop it, I'm not that much of an intelligent, I just emphasize its use to matters that piss me off, I definitively think I have more consciousness though, or is it that I'm more alert? I notice twisted mentalities more, or things that are different than what most people notice, something like that.

Now, I see you coming telling me it's just a problem with me as a manipulative argument, yes in the sense that I got the capacity to expose it, but people are not minded to see things under these aspects, they reap a bad feeling and do with it, like most suggestive insults in social discussions, they may take it humoristically too, and most don't question deeply enough, and who will go against psy studies of comportment? It's scientific stuff and methodology! There are 17 reasons why it's good, just look on the internet, with pretty images like it's a pub or educational campaign...Then a vast majority of people try to find themselves a place in this reality, they adapt, tolerate, accept, they don't want to be a sociopath...

Someday we will have to battle many such words and beliefs that are meant to ostracize fine people from the paranoid fear of manipulators who need to adapt everybody to a reality that seeks to profit from everything and that has no respect for life, that defend grave mass injustice while causing tons of mind prejudice, more suffering to life, even bad genetic, talking psychopathy... Such words have come to mean almost anything in the mouth of the selection, and they can easily be spread to attack almost anybody that doesn't fit the system, they are manipulation tools to help the pressure selection, and they are invented by the greatest defenders of the system who think everybody should be a standard formula of the mind somewhat fitting their view of normality, and I could go farther than that to say they are creating a retard in the evolution of humanity since they eliminate mind properties based on their assumptions of what is normality, still worse than that, they often work contrary to what should actually be normality by enforcing a path to it. Finally, there is nothing to say that such properties they see as problems of the mind are not in fact struggling life evolutions fighting the exact type of attitudes that are limiting life to a fraction of its ability and diversity.

Another example is perfection. Among the many details or emphasizes of my works you won't notice, you'll find that I don't qualify people versus perfection but versus an ideal, generally. We should stop the autosuggestion that what is perfect is boring or full of rules, or strict, or white, it's a manipulation meant to keep a rotten system in place, the truth is that the most interesting person (generally) or system would be the perfect one, that is, if you stick to the truth of perfection. Let's see, what would be the perfect person to you? The person you would most likely want to be with? I bet we would all have a different opinion about it, so that invalidates the idea that a perfect person can exist, it means the word is not used in its right context, which, in this situation, should be a scientifically based phenomenon, or a physical construction. You should say you seek an ideal instead, because perfection is a composition of facets, to see it you must decompose everything. Such a decomposition to you would mean that to pass another step you need to learn and change, or versus the universe, you're not developing at your best. But you could meet someone that is perfect in your own vision of perfection, to make things perfect to you...So perfection is relative to many principles, which is perfect to know that said principles exists, because if not then there wouldn't be a process to select, at whatever level. There would be no life if there was nothing to learn, isn't it perfect? Or you could choose to define it as someone perfectly brainwashed to take the mold of an ideal, but then what about intelligence and imagination, creativity? Wouldn't these attributes be a part of a perfect person? And how would a person possessing these attributes be a perfectly brainwashed person? So the truth is that exchanging mentally with a perfect person would be the most interesting exchange, and the same for sex, etc, but that's still relative to you...If not, then you either didn't develop the qualities to see it, or the person is not perfect. The same for society.

So that's my honor finger to all those, particularly the psy, movie and TV industry, that tries to make believe that perfection is a bitch or bad and boring; everything is part of perfection, even your fat has a perfect reason to exist, if there was not your variation, or challenge, then life wouldn't survive under certain circumstances, or you wouldn't learn things, or society wouldn't develop some tools, etc, etc... even the mistakes of candor, anything, the truth is that perfection, even if it is very relative and life got to work between very large random parameters, that are supposed to still be equilibrated, is one of the greatest tool of understanding. So the lesson is to never impose a final vision of it, you don't try to impose what is perfection to you to others, you see it at the level you want to understand it, and you don't confound it with the development of an ideal (conflicting the synonym dictionary which confound ideal with perfection, and that's a grave conflict since both are different principles, not just words). You can still say perfection in people is versus an ideal though, or perfection in people is dependent from the ideal you seek; if reality doesn't care about your good ideal then it failed at that, but the perfection takes another meaning, like a universal view of good and evil, where your reality is not good enough, which will get yourself in a weakened situation when you'll meet another civilization that is better, so everything is perfect. Are you building the best tools to be most efficient at attaining an ideal result for any situation is the question you have to ask yourself here. So even an ideal is very relative, like thinking you're making the ideal society by eliminating all evil, while forgetting that you need some of it to know it. In the end, everything is a matter of general knowledge, the more you know, the more you see, the more you understand, the more perfection becomes evident. When I say that everything is perfect, you got to understand the meaning of "everything"; it means you need a vision on everything that permits non conflicting understanding to see the perfection move from one place to the other. To recapitulate, perfection is a process of understanding; you care about everything in your soul so much that any path you take lead you to the formation of the universe, you question and decompose everything as you live to end-up understanding everything. An ideal is a goal, so the synonym dictionary should add parentheses to say when there is a conflict of definition, and when it is a principle, that way people can still have a few suggestions, but they'll know when they're messing things up.

Finally, that proves, again, why it's important for media people particularly, to keep the integrity of words and principle, and not make artistry bullshit out of everything. You could even remove perfection from human attributes you know, if my previous vision is too much. People have an ideal and they seek to attain that ideal, and media people should stick to that if they're handicapped intellectually, to skip twisting everything, because yes, you'll end-up with stupid people (like psy from what I see) against both principles of ideals and perfection; I guess those people feel very well in mediocrity, even if they won't use the word, it's just that they are mediocre people who don't want to get better, or they can't and are jealous. If you don't strive for an ideal then you can be replaced by robots, ideals, idea, see the relation? Everything human that exist started as imagination under the form of an idea, idealism, being against that is being against creation, pure and simple. So don't let manipulative minds fuck-up everything, particularly if you got a view of good and evil that is logical, because if you say it is no good to have ideals, then you are defining ideals, ideas, creation, as evil in the unconscious of people, the same if you confound ideals with perfection or associate perfection to variables human properties based on opinions, particularly if these attitudes end-up giving bad results; how can you say perfect people end-up as assholes? Eh?

To go back to idealism, the level of knowledge and understanding will dictate the precision of your idealism, so it is logical that a moron (or self-inflated mediocre person) will be continually deceived by the ideals he'll develop or seek because he aint got enough judgment, but someone with more complete mind capacities will be realist and know what he's striving for is an ideal, something that will probably never be attained. Perfectionism relates to an emplacement of things fitting a physical reality, like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle fitting a precise spot perfectly, and that's exactly what I talk about when I qualify everything as perfect. So don't tell me a fat person is not perfect because I'll tell you it was 200 years ago in your twisted vision of perfection, so go get an education in de-bullshitting, or you're at the wrong level in your vision of perfection, or your vision of perfection is so relative everybody on the planet sees it differently, or you are so messed-up you confound an ideal with perfection. And the worst insult is for psy people to make studies proving that perfectionist people are assholes because they are narcissist or sociopath! I understand that self-inflated (narcissist) psy people have gained the final word to dictate the form bullshit should take in hell, but be careful to end-up so low someone under social assistance needs to put your "science" shit back together! Fuck your expensive psy science if you are moronic enough to associate perfection to variable human opinions and shitty attitudes, all that while perfection has nothing to do here at it, and even if you absolutely wanted perfection confusion, I wouldn't see being narcissist as coming with perfection, ok? For the whole package of psy PMBBD! In fact, narcissism comes from a wrong mentality in your beloved reality; ego competition, superiority-inferiority. You care and that's all, psy and media manipulators who jungle with words to twist everything to bullshit and the pressure to perform are leading humanity to all kind of problems, not perfection or ideals. I care and I have ideals, so I take care of myself and I work toward ideals while I scratch my ass funny all the time while looking at the perfection of everything ok? And if my life is so hard it's because your reality is shitty and I hate it ok?

Sciences of human attitudes are half bullshit for manipulation. Sure it's the way to go, but it's not super hot for now. It's true that there are mental problems that need words to qualify, therapy to readjust, or chemicals, all that is fine, but I expose problems, and I'll knock on the psy nail proportionally to the extent it knocked on my head, whatever the source is direct or indirect, and I see things generally in my work, and this science produces as much problems as it heals, probably far more if I'm to take into consideration my whole vision of life. There's difference between trying to heal an evident problem and embarking on a quest to associate any hint of a nonstandard mentality to a mental problem, and I know it's in big part the fault of TV if people see mental problems everywhere these days, but the science doesn't come from newsmen, it comes from psy "research" of very doubtful methodology, and they are everywhere like fucking spies, like they're in a competition to decide the path of the world, so you can bet that TV is overloaded with the profession. I say don't think of yourselves too highly, and getting a psy diploma about mind absolutely doesn't mean you're intelligent or not a manipulator. This science needs a lot of humility, and an open mind to possibilities, not a closed one to make people fit the reality. Yes it got the competence to pass, if you stick to people and not reality, or if you prefer, if you consider it a tool to heal or describe the result of reality incompetence, but this is far from the emphasis of their speech, and media people and the population in an ego self-inflation competition quest twist half of it to attack very fine people out of wickedness and jealousy, it's like anybody can be a doctor of the mind all of a sudden, my turn now! Soon I'll be suffering from a mental problem if I use my imagination to extend my mentality beyond this reality, it's becoming more motivational to me to write for life as an entity or gods, than writing for humans, it will probably end-up more rewarding too...Humanity is becoming a failure to me, lucky I still see its potential, and believe in it, and the only thing that can write something over here is a human, so here I am, and I write like humans are supposed to wake-up because life is at a critical point.

More spiritually, I could say there is still enough resources for a chance to attain solar life success, but in case of failure then I want any possible entity to know how much some of us cared, I want to tell them how it is to be human, how I understood human and life, how I see good and evil, how is it to develop the greatest soul within the most extraordinary physical creation, to live the ultimate pain of being torn between the sky and the earth while not being able to touch one or the other, how is it to feel like you're wasting the greatest creation because of a total conflict with reality, how is it to get the logical integrity of your soul forever more justified as you grow older while your lacks and desires forever grow stronger, what is it to feel the strength, the power, the grandeur of your self while bad luck cumulates and the reality crushes you lower. I write for all possibilities, any entity, to say I don't forget or ignore them. I'm a man of possibilities, the most extraordinary sense of life, and I want it to learn along with the human that I am and which is a life-form. And you, what do you think I should be doing? Write a book for my own profit? Write a book for human profit? Or write a book in life's honor?

By writing this I'm clearing my mind of all that manipulative stuff thrown around by supposedly intelligent and credible experts. It's a self-reflection effect meant to reach my initial unconscious (a life system as I see it), done through a reinforcement in writing, from unconsciousness through consciousness and back unconscious, kind of, but as a pressure of pathing, my mind aint got nothing different than any other, I just do something consciously that people go through mainly innocently, except I do it with a further power which is a tentative at harmonizing with life connection, thus walking with it instead of against it or competing it, and violence, fights to the death, invasions and tricks are all part of the tools of life. Still my book is something a well-made high consciousness form can read and act upon, and it is meant as a tentative for it. But I won't push past the end of my work, life can appreciate it through me, I fought for it all my life to write this, and if people only want to see a problem in my head, then too bad. Just be careful, I have no problem with suicide, for those who will want to change my mind with chemicals, and I first tried it at around 12, are you proud? You'll invent me another mental sickness to tell me I have a problem? I'll tell you the contrary just to chop your psy knowledge to more scrap that it is already made of; I say that a lot suicide are not done by a sick mind, but by a sick reality, and I said a lot, not all; there are people who can't take a difficulty without wanting to suicide, everything is too hard, they did not grow adequately to permit them to have the strength to go over life's challenges, or they wasted too much energy to unsatisfactory options in reality. I'm not in that category, but it took me some time to understand "my" problem and take the bull by the horns, what I know is that my tolerance to difficulties have been tested at the extreme a few times in my youth until I became an adult and understood better, the joke is that not only I unconsciously fall in troubles, but I impose myself extreme difficulties too, while having a high standard for myself. So you understand that I walk a dangerous line, and that's how I see it; in my youth I was tested, at home, at school, by friends, while I added to this by my attitude, and things went too far and both me and my body wanted to die to end it all. So I tried suicide consciously by eating poison and unconsciously a few times as I reached adulthood, but in the end I was strong enough because I always stopped just short of dying, I was almost nagging death. And suicide doesn't make one automatically good, get that idea out of your mind, there are tons of evil people looking good who should suicide and people should make a party if they do. Finally, a suicide can take a whole life to prepare, unconsciously or consciously...

I hope I am not working toward that end though, even if I fear my own opinions, in big part because of ego reality's ways, which makes me believe I should fear. And I do, and for many reasons, all related to things I never contributed to as soon as I gained the consciousness of them. And I did not need philosophy or psy, hurray! Just taking more responsibilities and providing more than what I'm paid for, which is not much better a salary and standard of living than old times, survival salary, so I can't feel bad for it, even if I should in the twisted view of this reality. If I fail helping life and good, at least I won't have been too expensive on other facets as a compensation, and if I bring more positive, then I won't be ashamed to satisfy my ego to some limits. So the deal would be that I give the book and go fishing far away in another time form environment, for some time, trying to go through a phase of care I need preferably, helping a little (I have a tendency to do more than I want, that's why "a little" is appropriate), then I'd see if I'm ready to accept more worth.

I could be a total moron too, an evil self-inverted moron bizzaroid needing heavy direct mental reformulation right now before it's too late for humanity, in which case I wouldn't accept a cent of worth but a full weight of shame living at the spoon hacking rocks for the rest of my life, which in a sense, my mind seem to believe I already did.

For me, it is my personal total in evil or good, the life balance, which counts. Every form of your contacts with life, and their repercussions, are a part of a total we make; if you are tremendously good for many years, it may not be a good idea to scrap all that by suddenly being thrown bundles of money, and pass an equivalent time very counterproductively, toward civilization or life. And if you morphed to become dependent of doing evil, then suicide may be your best option to stop your more negative effects; what is your positive effect in your life interactions? Including life related principles like love? Fairness? What is your contribution to life in your responsibilities dealings? For what end result attitude strengthening do you work for? What are your hidden secrets concerning other people or life?

Apart from the exception I talk earlier, those who can't take a difficulty without thinking of suicide, then I say depression and suicide are mostly the result of an inadequate reality. In fact, I believe they are the most important death of a civilization. Presently, thanks to psy science, the problem mostly befall on the shoulders of the one that suicide; it was normal that they lived such a life, they didn't react the way they should with the difficulties they faced, they didn't behave the way they should, see things the way they should, listen to authority, take medication, etc. That's how far the reality will go in its responsibility, you adapt or you die, and the ones to cry about it are sure rare. And so we don't hear a word about those 1 million people (underestimated) who die every years, except a sarcastic message a few times a year saying that somebody not worth a name, a desperate, killed himself. I say that any young person dying of suicide should be granted a full investigation and the first page of the news since they are the most evident reflection of problems in reality. Doing so would reveal how this reality is hell, but they hide it because they must show smiles on TV, unless more people suicide...But seriously, they wouldn't dare do it because they fear a domino effect, and those 1 million people dying of suicide every year around the planet are just one facet of the selection process of this reality, to end-up with the most virulent defenders of it, those who will adapt at whatever cost, or those who don't care, or those with the best qualities to fit it, really, think about this! Suicide is taboo while there is a million suicides every year! We have to tell the whole story of how their life developed to come to this death conclusion, this is the minimal respect this fucking civilization should owe to the citizens it pressure selects out, and their family should not have a word to say about it after they're adults, unless the person wants otherwise. But people would go nuts watching this continually, no? And the best system of the universe would look stupid constantly justifying it has no responsibility, no? And manipulative parents would pass a lot of time spilling crocodile tears proving they did their best, no? And psy science would need to invent a lot more twisted mental sicknesses. And this have been going on for how long? And it is just one facet of how media people and governments manipulate the judgment of people, omission of what could depress people, to protect them from the truth, because if we gave them the truth to form their judgment in the way it should, a revolution would happen, millions would die, and the selection would come to be very different as the reality would change to put responsibility where it belongs and become far more human.

And don't think I'm bad for talking about suicide, at least I'm doing it, it's easy to point finger at me when I'm one of the rare to look at the true evil of this reality you "love" so much, or all those dirty subjects you like to ignore, like the number of murders in the world (those qualified as such by their respective countries attitudes with it), young women disappearing at the ton too, death from drugs, etc, most of which shouldn't happen and contribute to the pressure selection to make a humanity interdependent with the system. But I'll concede that when you never end causing problems to others with your attitude, you got to stop it somewhere, that's why I surely won't say evil doesn't need some suiciding among themselves, but I'd be ready to bet there have been hidden parts of our history where good people suicided or died in such quantities that it contributed significally to form the current selection of people who limit themselves to media pressures and following bosses or trends, people of which you absolutely cannot trust the strength of will to work toward a different way. They will condemn humanity to fail when times will become critical, they'll just take the side of the stronger, people with more means or manipulation ability. Their lack of judgment will be the final nail in the coffin of earth life, this selection that is totally failing not in one critical thing right now, but more than a dozen, by condemning others to the way they encourage, to their liberties. I have no affinity with people who just vote and don't care, or just work and watch the news, I won't use positive words to describe them, particularly when you work all your strength, both mind and body, to keep the world condemned. Personally, I take my decision on the spot for people that just embark in the system, you're 50/50, make a smile and I may tolerate you around, but you're born to receive loads of collateral if you get in the way, cause problems, and I won't run around to find food for you for sure.

So for those who absolutely need to find me a mental sickness, I'll tell you what my true sicknesses are; I'm suffering from manipulation paranoia from the pressure to profit from my innocence, I'm curious about your explanation to this one! I'm sick of hearing PMBBD, I can't stand it, did you invent a name for this? Not a chance! Do you have pills to stop it from entering my mind? Or do I have to go crazy doing it myself to the end of my life? Can I take a gun to destroy sources of it or should I use it to pop my hears shut? Once I reached adulthood, brainwash started creating a reactive mirroring effect in my mind; when was the last time you heard a psy mention brainwash? It doesn't exist! I'm scared of people who try to control me; did you invent a phobia for this so I can get some help? I can't be made dependant too. Easy that one, we can force you! (That's the greatest skill of ego people; manipulation to push people to their ways or dependences).

My sicknesses are not in your books? What is the title of your book again? "How to get everybody to work on, or accept, the ego reality with a smile" (some may tell you to work less, at the limit). You'll have to add some pages covering my sicknesses so I can better live in this reality you defend, that you profit from, to which you give the best part of your energy! And since you have no problem using manipulation, bullshit, control, dependence and brainwash, then you are this reality, it is part of your job to be a recipient and a distributor of wrongs. I'm talking about all those words manipulators and mind gurus who twisted those skills of introspection, individuality, independence, true understanding, judgment, love, etc, to make of them negative brain troubles. You don't want adults having ideals in conflict with this reality, you don't want them to personally seek their own ways, you want yourself telling them, you want absolute control of every facets of their lives you want to control their will, their soul! (There I go again)

Now your messed-up passive listeners throw PMBBD all around like wisdom because you're the expert; there are experts, scientists, psy and specialists of all kind everywhere in the middle of the pyramids, people listen to you and you know it, and they are right to do so. So when they watch television or read a book, or go on an internet site, they have a strong tendency to believe what any of you says, they believe you so much you can't begin to count the number of soaps of all kinds, with experts of all kinds, getting glorified and competing against each other and singing a fantastic amount of PMBBD and generalizations without enough specifications or exceptions or explications, making a falsification of the truth on hype of all professions. You are (experts) supposed to be an example to people willing to get deeper understanding and knowledge, but the PMBBD machine makes you look like you're more preoccupied of making a godly inaccessible image of yourself than anything else. Knowing that half of what is learned at school is strictly of no use (there are always exceptions), almost anybody with the right attitude could be an expert at something just by watching television without PMBBD and thinking with some intensity, but it would kill our jobs! Media people don't want that, so they make it inaccessible, creating a wheel of ego to keep their expertise. And for the last nail in the coffin, if someone says he is against PMBBD, they'll answer that nothing can be done against it, it is a question of liberty. It may be a satisfying answer for the selection but it is a lie to me; all kind of actions can be made to limit PMBBD to the point we can almost make it disappear. As for liberty (freedom), different people will have more while some ego babblers will have less, for the result that our minds will be better and there will be far less evil. But the selection will have to change to reflect it, which would be a feat since it will make a depression and fight to the death to defend their bullshit in the name of freedom; it is dependent from lies and manipulators. The truth is that you can grow a sane, a saner, better human without ever using PMBBD on him. Evil and hell arise from PMBBD, fight it or disappear as a lifeform; only the best survive in the end, that's the bottom line. Finally, this reality don't want everybody to become experts since it would destabilize the system (pyramid), so you're forced to school to make big studies and get a diploma which is an accepted condemnation to work on the higher part of it while most of what you learn is of no use, but you end-up with a debt to the good system that permitted you to get a job, like it's a privilege...

I may not always target well, some collateral damage I said? I'm not right for everybody and everything, but I have a reflective armor, so if you throw PMBBD at me you will receive back a straighter version, and there is an inexhaustible source of it in this reality... Yet, if people like me don't give themselves limits they'll go crazy, and what will TV say? Psy bullshit, it is because he had this or that trouble in the brain or he had a problem of comportment etc. Finally, I prefer to invent myself a personally satisfactory spirituality than being forced to accept living with a head full of bullshit that always disgusted and revolted me.

TABOO SECRETS

The most taboo subject of this reality is ego (egocentrism; the actions you do are oriented toward self-satisfaction or your gang), you'll be lucky to have a solid discussion on the subject once in your life. People are almost scared of this word, they use it lightly to describe some variable extremes or specificities of comportment and that's all. Discussing it scares people because it reaches too far and profoundly and its meanings are too many and painful to discover and understand particularly when looked through the complexity and precision of science. Nobody wants to find the extent of it in himself since not only will it take lots of time and energy for such an introspection, but they know unconsciously that their whole life have been under its control. They fear to discover how bad it is to be under its control while they should be controlling it, they don't want to know they are manipulated and brainwashed to grow it out of control while almost all what comes out of the attitude is "bad" and almost all that is "bad" come from its growth out of control. Finally, exploring it will confront them to their view of the less taboos subjects of this reality which are sex, money and violence.

Everybody talks about those subjects, they are part of every discussions, people pass almost all of their time thinking or listening about them; open your television, radio, pub, newspapers, internet, everywhere; total overload. You got to be a hermit not to be overwhelmingly bathed in this intensive heavy brainwash of sex maniacs, money maniacs and violence maniacs. Yet there are people (particularly psy, it's their job) who will never mix that soup enough since they thrive mixing such ingredients (24/24 preferably). They want so much to see people thriving in it too, that they will spread the belief that such subjects are taboos, can you believe it? They have been the playground of billions upon billions of people for thousands upon thousands of years, people even made goals of pseudo-happiness out of them, this whole reality is a wheel of exploitation, competition and BBMPD of them, this whole reality stands on those, everywhere you will find people who twist, control and exploit every facet of those to grow their egos, and all who tried to make taboos out of them failed in the long run with the only result of cultural difficulties bought up by emotionally and intellectually messed-up peopled. The taboos of these subjects are their truth.

My taboos are not like that, I don't talk about them nonstop, I don't form civilization from them, exactly the contrary; taboos are more personal or secret. I don't see taboos negatively either, like I'm a bad inhibited if I have a taboo. I got many little anomalies I'm not interested giving much importance to which could fit the description. (It took me 15 minutes to make that bit of a phrase, and I think it still doesn't work, sorry, I'm just on the verge of getting it right, and I know I make many mistakes, I should go back to school a little, or read a few books on the basics again) Then I got absurd or too far-fetched theories which I don't want to talk about either, or even think about, because they are a waste of time and energy; there is no way either me or anybody else will prove anything about them, there is no argument to be found for their defense either. And finally, there are exceptional coincidences in my life that I wouldn't dare express without losing credibility, even if these things are always explainable with enough of an investment of money, supposing powerful people are trying to mess-up my life... There are things I sometimes even hide to myself as I don't want to explore or understand them (I shall wait in another life), like things I did or lived in my youth that would reveal as reality 30 years later, seriously, scary things...

In the following few pages, I'll expose a few of my taboos, I do it for fun and they are not all my taboos, only some small ones. Remember what I said? The main reason I have taboos is that I don't want to debate my sanity about them, so you can read but don't come at me saying I'm this or that because of my particularities or the illogic explanations I have about them. As an example, I hear all kind of strange things, like high frequency Morse, beep, beepbebepbebep, and that's it. I can easily explain this problem by saying it is a city food, city air, city frequency noise and add a bad mood combo. Meaning I don't care, it can be anything so leave me alone; I'm not good for the hospice...yet.

Others things can be more interesting though, like the forest crack, this one is really strange, only in the forest do I hear it, and I bet even scientists would have a hard time explaining it. You're walking when you suddenly hear a loud boom; you freeze on the spot, boom, the rate increases, a grave boom, boom, boom, like someone is hitting the ground with a tree; can't be a moose effect, a dance? Always the same everywhere and it got a position to it, even if it seems to come from nowhere, like a line that drop the power in half as soon as you cross it, but always with the same powerful feel to it. Half a feeling, half a noise, you try to shake it off, you can jump, shout, hit a tree all your strength with a big stick, nothing seems to care except you. You look everywhere like an imbecile, birds have no problem talking usual subjects as it continue to increase rate always with the same bass feeling. It becomes fast enough it's a rrrrrrrr until you don't hear it anymore, like the speed erases the sound, like someone opened a monstrously big creaking door with a more profound noise and without pitch variations. It lasts about 20 seconds and doesn't stop until it's done, I can hear it five times in a row and that's it; I won't hear it again for long enough to forget about it (years).

I was very young the first time I did, I asked my father about it but he didn't hear it even if it was very clear to me. I still hear it to this day, and I'm always as surprised, it is particularly evident at night, you really believe the whole world must hear it, and that's quite a scare too. (It's cool walking in the forest in darkness you know, do it in a place you won't get lost, you just walk not too fast, careful of gross forms and what kind of terrain is around, it forces you to attention, like you're in a kind of half invisible world, with ghost forms, strange noises and surprises; like a rusted 50 years old piece of wire sticking off the ground. Vlam! Flat on the face, damn humans, not a chance a wolf would bite off a chunk of me, not even a tree or a rock to crash on, no, just a rusted wire! I should read a book about human hostilities in peaceful woods at night.)

I memorized the last place I heard it, and the only particularity I found is that I sometimes walked on rebounding terrain, terrain with underground features for sure. Not far away where I was, I hit a spot I walked on that gave somewhat same kind of sound when I hit it hard, like a drum, but that's probably a coincidence so I carried on since even if there was a river or cave under, what of it? Wow! A cave! But maybe there is a creature...I'd bet I'll be deceived, mmm, a useful skill in the future, cavern detection, there will probably be lots of rich and rare creatures hidden with gold and diamonds in such places. "Hey! What are you doing?" "I'm looking for Feline! Haven't heard of her for a while, it is abnormal, got to see if humanity's love bird is still ok!" "Ah, there you are, hi, I need your gold and jewels, I'll leave you alone then, I'll even put a big rock on the trap so nobody comes bugging you again." But I'm bad, and I should find another example, that's kind of hard on my nationalism bit. The problem is that good Quebeckers like to laugh at themselves, and they like to hate their rich too... Sorry Feline, you're a real flower by the way, it's just a shame that you run after money like you're worth an infinity, like most artists that are so happy to sing their "culture", and how they're full of love and principles when they're young. And I don't like family hegemonies too, so I'm back to the same point; kicking time.

As for the last place I heard the sound, it was almost a swamp and it had nothing to do with other places I heard it, and if birds don't care why should I? A cave under a swamp? Or a scary bubble? Maybe I'm better running away than jumping on the ground, with my kind of luck, I could attract it wholesale...if I can crash on the sole wire in a forest, I can as well step...Ah!, I know what's my problem, I'm attracted to problems instinctively; I unconsciously saw the wire, and I stumbled on it because I'm like that, my mind unconsciously saw it as a problem (WTF is a wire doing there? let's get the guy to stumble on it to increase consciousness of the problem!). I pass my time looking into problems, so my unconscious just saw a problem in the wire and crashed me to get my attention on it. It's exaggerating but I'm happy to know I work well, I'm right on the spot of my destiny and everything fits! And I'm sensible to mother earth's problems? I'm like the dog that supposedly sniffs cancer on people? Well I don't know, maybe I'm passing under a satellite too, and I feel it, argh! Forget it, can be anything, myself too, but why only in the forest?

So maybe my many accidents (you should see my hands, I ain't got a finger without a scar) have nothing to do with bad luck after all, and it may be why my instinctive reaction to this reality have been to hate it and close myself to it, since I'd be dead in troubles. And I think my mother knew too as I remember that if she ran after me I'd have a tendency to step on the only piece of broken glass in the courtyard, or things like that. Now, these things can still be bad-luck, and looking for troubles unconsciously doesn't answer the bullet question; which is a stupid thing I did when I was very young; I lighted a fire in a sand pit, threw a firearm bullet in it from behind a tree, and guess what? I got the bullet (casing I think, from the noise, and it opened a big piece of skin) whatever the tree; I ended-up in the hospital and my parents were not very happy about my fun to say the least...

People will have all kind of reactions to seeing a fire, some will watch it spread, some will run away, some will try to extinguish it as a responsibility, others will do it for money, others as an instinctive enemy, some will do it to show they are brave, some will even get themselves burned as a challenge, me? Apart from throwing in firearms bullets to tease the devil, I'll be lucky if I don't fall flat in it unconsciously, or I'll candidly find the trick to get burned, then I'll make a paranoia over it. The problem is that I can waste my life running in fires and trying to extinguish them; fire is fundamental to hell I could say, so at some point I guess I understood my destiny would be to study the fundamentals creating a burning hell, then kill the dragon...Cute isn't it?

But I don't think "looking for troubles" (unconsciously, don't forget) is a safe destiny leading to happiness, it looks more like the contrary. As for me, I feel kind of cheated, and I already got two bullets in my pockets, but it's just me and my tendency to look at the inside of guns in my candor. I guess that depends on the reality too, and this reality would be better on its path without me for sure, I need protection, or a prison. However, "looking for troubles" may be more of a human property than we think; maybe instead of saying adolescents are this and that, maybe we should dump the pedopsyiatric clique and see it as a human that is developing one of its properties, which can justify, yes, that parents, who are supposed to care for their children, can be harsh with them, because that skill on an ego person can propel him in the cake (opportunities), or grave accidents and stupidities of all kind. One thing's for sure, you got to stop ego from eating the cakes unfairly. Being the first is not a bad thing, it's the use you make of your ego that makes the difference, and being total altruist is a bad idea too, for your own health. Good and evil exist; humans don't all develop as good, particularly in this reality. And now I'm the first on a new cake? Got to be careful to cycle out evil and do things for good.

It is important that you know I'm bizarre, I don't like psy maladies, even if I may truly need them someday; I'll just hope they won't have read my book... Still, I have no problem living with strange properties, as long as I feel secure enough that I'm healthy enough to last a normal lifetime without losing my mind, and that I'm acting civilized, or good (in my reality, not yours, but I try).

Such things are my taboos, but I won't run out in underwear singing "believe". Want another example? I sometimes wake-up around 4:00 in the night hearing voices (no need to tell me I'm schizophrenic), like a hundred people talking at the same time, but it's not loud and there is always one thing piercing through it all; a woman coming and she have predominance, covering all the rest. As I wake-up, everything dissipates in 5 seconds with a pain in one of my hear, and however hard I try to concentrate, I only hear the fridge. So what is this? How does it happens? It's easy to go Hollywood with this, I could say I'm sensitive to satellites, maybe the babbling is available stuff I can listen to while I sleep, but there's no music, and the woman is not babbling, and she is so loud and not related to the rest, just so I can go crazy finding what the heck. So you can't invent something from this if you seek a minimum of credibility, even if it would be easy for psy to select schizophrenia.

I got a problem with white cars too, walking is my only mean of transportation, all other means are too expensive for me, even the bus (8$ a trip is too much, 70$ for a monthly pass is too much too, so I must walk). I walked my city over and out, and as time passed I developed a kind of 6th sense for traffic; so when I pass, it mean I can pass, there is no doubt about it, I seems to judge speed weight and acceleration like magic and I've never been wrong, but I'm still very careful and will always be. Only 3 times did I really feel endangered, and it was 3 white cars. In fact, in the 3 instances, the "guy" actually tried to kill me.

The first one I saw him from far away, it was evident I had time to cross so I went about it, but as I was straight in the middle of his line of sight, maybe at 10 meters, the guy gave a klaxon shot and accelerated. I guess I was at the point where it was the loudest since the sound was insanely loud. My stupid "rabbit in the traffic" instinctive reaction was to freeze on the spot, but had I not compensated with my self assurance I would have been killed, thanks to his killing klaxon. At 1/100th of a second I was overloaded by a stupid instinct. At 2/100th of a second cold fear enveloped me. At 3/100th of a second I took back control of my body and continued walking as usual like the car never existed. It happened so fast my body never got the time to give a hint of noticing. As for the guy, he did it on purpose since he accelerated while the light at the next stop was already red and quite far so no reason to accelerate except to hit me.

Next one was in the middle of 3 tracks, a line of car was waiting at a light in the first track and a minivan gave me some space to cross the road since there were no cars coming in the 2 other tracks. But looking behind, I saw a car coming very fast in the middle track so I took no chance and started hopping fast to the other side. The guy changed track too, in the bus track; he had the middle track to himself and no turning right at the light but he decided to switch to the bus track to kill me. I didn't notice since I was sure in my sane head that I was fine, yet, as I was in the middle of the bus track, I saw him coming right for me very close, maybe 2 meters; I could have frozen but I kind of just took two gigantic jumping strides to the walkway all the while looking back at the car. He succeeded at touching my foot, but to do so he had to come one inch close to the walkway, then he took more distance.

Last one was a white pick-up this time. The light just turned red at a 3 track road, but I was too far away to reach the light on time and cross so I decided to cross right away since there was almost no traffic; only 2 cars waiting at the light on a desert intersection. Crossing would bring me behind the 2 cars that were in the middle track though, but no problem there, no? Wrong! As I was reaching the third track on my side, a pick-up arrived at a normal speed on the yellow line track on the same side as the 2 others cars, I was alone on this vast slab of asphalt, I was evident and I judged I could keep on walking normally and the guy would slow down to let me cross since the light ahead was red so no hurry for him. The guy was slowing down, but as I put my foot on the yellow line, he accelerated: I stopped right there, he almost crushed the tip of my feet, and braked hard at the light ending up ridiculous in the middle of the intersection. I was totally out of my mind, I started running after him without thinking but then he burned away the light.

How can I explain this? Well, maybe my attitude in traffic is too much for some drivers, they can't stand my precision and forward thinking so they must show who's boss, unconsciously, probably...But why only white cars? Magic! Maybe it is a mix of attitudes and coincidences; what if the buyers of white cars generally have a problematic attitude? You know how a white coat enhance our perception positively of somebody (from well implanted bullshit probably...), so maybe the same thing applies to many car owners, they manipulate by projecting a false image of themselves, proudly wearing white like they are good or better. Maybe some have been bought by evil people who dream of killing others by accident... that's the best explanation I can give, I think that made sense in fact, that doesn't sound much like a taboo, it's not slippery enough. Anyway, I won't try to explain some of my particularities or extremely far-fetched beliefs because I know the associations will be more doubtful than the possibilities I like to expose.

THE SHELLING PART 4

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EXPERIENCE

I'm from the X generation, or that's the diminutive the "peace" and "love" libertine gang gave to the generation that will be at their prime around the 2000 epoch. Probably because we were baptized by city people lost in LSD and not knowing what they were doing, just tripping over things, they baptized us an unknown thing, a "X", like "we don't know and we don't care what will come out of our trip", like they had forgotten how to write, signing X everywhere. Maybe that's why the pornographic industry is using XXX to qualify some of their rich "stars" too; they're the most fuck-all people, and that may have been the unconscious ideal of that "loving" revolution, since sex people will say that everything is about sex... I'm exaggerating, or I'm having fun, or I'm suffering from a mental problem if you prefer. What's worse, is that in my place the generation behind and ahead laugh at the X generation like it's a mistake or that we should have never been born, it's like humorists found themselves a new market, a source of jokes; can't be racists, so let's switch all the hateful sarcasm on this generation that already has the highest suicide rate ever! It is almost a genocide you know, how can people laugh at that? And this generation that people insult and don't respect, that our government often push to insignificance in the streets, may have had the greatest mind ever, and my social interaction proved it. At least it show the type of empathy people have these days, fake empathy, and me I should be far more hateful than I'll ever dare to be from all the hell this reality put me through (to the point that I'm now in the streets). One thing's for sure; I don't like generational competition, particularly when it involves the desecration of good principles, and the peace and love did much of that whatever they'll say the contrary. At least, I'm happy to say my parents did not embark in the "city love" revolution, dirtying, twisting and desecrating all the principles that are associated to life, like love and consciousness, even if now the plague is everywhere, a total success.

Who spread the fuck-all free for all sexual banalization we have today with all kind of books encouraging libertine sex? Who spread drugs as a good thing? Like saying they "unlock" consciousness? Who spread the belief that liberty should be a pressure to infinity? The peace and love hippie nuts, and many people still spread these ideas to this day, proving the total success of the PMBBD. In fact, what we have today is the result of how the worst part of the people behaved with the explosion of possibilities that happened in the 60, and since it is ego peoples that end-up with the means in this reality, what we're reaping is massive unfairness; we didn't develop the best philosophy of things, particularly love and liberty, even peace, but more like the worst; but for that I'll mostly thank extrovert people who can't stop babbling in competition.

As for this belief about drugs unlocking consciousness, there is no better example than this "revolution" that in fact it made a mess of consciousness. You don't "unlock" it, it is free at the start and your attitude, yes your attitude, in reality sets the limitations of it for you. You eat everything of this reality from birth? If not then it forces you to it? Parents let television open in front of their babies? What you need to "open" consciousness is to be free of pressures against it or that control it. In this reality there is so much of it in the name of inflating egoes that what you need is to escape the reality. If you're in a situation where you are peacefully out of this reality, wanting to better understand things (not while doing socialization with tons of friends and singers around interacting with your thinking and pushing you to their view or fun and entertainment), then, for some, smoking a joint made of the complete plant, not only THC, will distort time and judgment and thus consciousness out of boundaries with less of an effort. You'll even have fun at it; in a sense you'll be "disconnected from reality", particularly if the reality is overwhelming your mind in PMBBD limitations. So for pot to give its best you need to actually do an effort, and the pressure selected stuff for purity, or overemphasis of a property, may not give the best result toward that end. It may even give contrary results or just make you messed-up and you'll probably end-up as encouraging the ways of this reality still more by your attitude and its needs. But everybody is different so I'm generalizing for sane people.

Now, if we stop filling commercial production with chemicals, since we got enough of pollution for that, we may become good at smoking things, since as all these smokes go straight to the brain. If we become good at smoking we'll have a whole world of plants to explore the smoking properties of, adding tons of smoking medication to our arsenal of poisons. It may be within life's slow morphing potential you know, those changes you start noticing after a few thousand years. It's like when scientists say brown cooked food is highly cancerigen because they stuffed mices with carbonized cheese until they dropped dead, what they fail to take into consideration in their methodology is that mice haven't passed thousands of years making fire to cook their food. There are days I think scientists like to scare people just for kicks...

That doesn't mean we must exaggerate and stuff humanity with another vastness of new molecules or everybody will die of cancer or new sicknesses. I'd even say you could use cancer and sicknesses as a test line, if lung cancer is getting lower or more easily healed, it may be time to grow our options. The trick is not to publicize it by imposition but by selection, like selecting to watch the smoking category of publicity. We can do any publicity that way, not imposed, nobody's liberties are profited from, and you know what kind of publicities you'll watch.

The same for LSD, except this one may, from what I understand, give more extreme result in thinking if the situation is appropriate, with time. In fact, time may be the factor that give most of the result. In the sense that if people never take the time to do deep introspection without reality interferences except when they take drugs, then they may associate the drug to the result. I say that because it is a fact to me that I often need to think intensively for an extended period of time to deduct many things, and then take long nonsocial breaks for my mind to kind of do some unconscious work. And I'm still giving a lot of credit to LSD, because from what I've seen, it just exacerbate the bullshit in people's brains. But I don't know what I'm talking about, what I know is that there is no LSD in my book, so it's definitively not necessary for having an open mind or more "open" consciousness. In fact, a healthy mind shouldn't need any drug to explore possibilities in their best way, so again I'm back to reality effects on the mind; and an ego reality is a hell of bullshit and limitation for the mind. I would guess it possible to remove much of these limitations with drugs, but then it would mean that the new stuff shouldn't be applied to the limiting reality itself, unless you don't care worsening hell...In a sense, you are "importing" ideas and principles that you'll pervert to make them fit the ways of an inadequate reality, it's not like realities are buckets or something, it's just that the farthest away from current reality you take your ideas or principles, the more you have to adapt and work them to fit (like for ego people), and thus the more you pervert the good of them, until ultimately they become a vessel of evil.

A lot, and I mean a lot of ideas and principles need a good reality to just remain neutral in good vs evil, just to keep the ideal possibility open; all principles need to be taken care of, specifically, more than swearing, principles are true sacred things. Still, you can change or twist the idea or principle, or you change reality, or fake changing it, for implementation, which is a slow process of PMBBD that can take generations before showing results, and then lifelong adjustments will eventually make it serve the reality's goals (profit those who are better served by the hype or twisted definition), and this can go as far as having 2 completely opposed definitions to a principle separated by an attitude or a style, which is just evil fucking around for the pleasure of it (unconscious after effects of too deep a contortion of truth)... But ego reality will explore for profits at whatever cost, so any idea that can be profited from is welcome, after passing the step of the system that will try to first spread its contortion in movies, or to better protect itself, then the selection can have some version of it. While I wouldn't think too much about all that theorizing I just did, the fact remains that I wouldn't want any of my work adapted to ego reality, it would pervert everything in the long run. All what I write is for the life reality, and don't you ever steal any of it to do the smart ass in ego reality, you'll destroy the good of it even if your brain thinks otherwise. I mean my work must keep integrity and availability as a free thing, I didn't make it free for ego people to profit from it, or contort it, know what I mean? But I still accept that people make different versions of it if it's not for the goal of profiting or serving the ego-god(s) ideology.

There are a few puffs in this book, not many, even if I would have liked to rework it all over while smoking, but pot is illegal. My experience, contrary to what science says, found it excellent on my concentration, and it has nothing to do with peace and love, or it didn't work on me for sure, but it's a free thing I could say and that may be why it was twisted to become associated with nudism and liberty sex or something; the explanation I see is that the concentration must be free of other interesting selections, if not, the mind will concentrate on anything seen as more interesting, and there are always sex people awaiting to profit from any new expression of evolution...

The trick is to use it on a limited interesting subject, and as you explore the subject, the mind seems freer to extrapolate more avenues, it more easily go past reality limitations, but you can canalize it to any imagination avenue if you successfully limit it; imprison yourself and you'll seek liberty in dreams and imagination, but if you smoke a joint and stick to escaping, you'll end-up with schemas more easily than someone not smoking, but your schemas will be a bit deficient, yet, there will be more possibilities you can later rework for more realism. I would have liked it to rework my writings with that principles, but I'd have ended-up double thickness for 10 more years of slow work, building such a complex extrapolated argumentation nobody would understand for years, it would be dumped as too much, craziness, people would say I smoked too much pot, and, apart from others disagreements, I'd probably get cancer at the wheel, but, but, but, I'd probably have more pleasure too, if, if, if, I wrote just a bit faster, maybe, maybe, maybe, it wouldn't be good on my sanity, but...got to be careful with such words as sanity, something very relative...But I'm exaggerating on myself specifically, I could manage a rework while smoking, and I'm sure I'd get a great result, but that's specific to me.

Lastly, never forget that consciousness invalidates lots of science "general" truths, smoking a joint without much of a consciousness will just bow the person to pressure forces from reality, even if he may think unusual, but the more consciousness, the better the positive effect of any drugs, that's the law; consciousness strength canalize, build. If you have more control of your mind and body, of your ego, then whatever you take you won't be as affected negatively, unless you're taking a heavy de-inhibitor in a conflicting reality, you may crack down from extreme conflict between your fighting consciousness and unconscious reality drive.

What that mean is that you don't tease the devil, don't put yourself in the wrong situation or environment, your consciousness permit you to decide things in advance, prepare, all the good of the world is there; use it. I don't like dirty and stupid party out of control, I like them prepared and well done, mindless people are out, and a drunk is not necessarily mindless if he still got enough consciousness to act tranquil or minimally civilized, even if you can't understand a word. You are human or you are not and everything about human is consciousness, but I could say the same thing about sex. As for pot, whatever the consciousness, the effect is still different from people to people, and the classic scientifically proven effects worked all wrong with me.

Next is the X generation thing, I don't like being put in a bag with an X sticker on it. What I like to do though is aligning the X of my gun on those who tag me. So I prefer to see the X as an esoteric result of a mix of attitudes, even if bullshit and esoterism have a tendency to go hands in hands. X as an unknown bag of magic surprises, but since I'm not surprised I'll stop all this excitement right there. I say that because I'll continue the exposition of my revolt against this reality by expressing it differently through the writing about my personal tastes of day to day "normal" activities, or if you prefer, my basic needs; food, lodging, entertainment etc. I'll give my opinion of these things from my experience and tastes, and again, I won't be shy slipping out of my subject if I think I have something valuable to say, since that's the ultimate goal; my main goal is not to talk about my tastes, it is to make you understand there is something that should work differently. As for the X, it gives you a very vague situation start without entering in too much details right away, but I'm a X full of Y chromosome, that may explain why I value independence that much; I'm a super bad seed, from the bad X generation, with the bad Y chromosome, and full of bad testosterone!

If you like my book (s) and continue reading it, you may come to think that I'm the antichrist instead, which I could almost take as a compliment but that assumption is totally wrong; I'm human and nothing else, I don't dwell in miracles, and what I do someone else could do it too. I've seen things, yes, unbelievable things and coincidences, but I don't have magic spells. Yet, I may be the antichrist for all I care, but the antichrist is an enemy of Jesus and this is not the case for me. I could shoot a Christ though, contrary to this reality that would shoot a Jesus to get a Christ...I say that because I like to have long hairs, and even if I may not be on the rising slope of prettiness anymore, I seem to still be an interesting sight and when I stay too long at a place, I become Jesus 2000. I heard that one quite a few times while taking a stroll (and saving people). I take it with a smile but they are lucky I keep my thinking to myself, because there are serious relations to take into consideration, things that I have understood as I reached spiritual and philosophical independence, love things beyond time, distance and reality, as a continuation of ancestral work, involving the liberation of solar life, things I understood unconsciously long ago, that I first materially worked, then described as an innocent, then saw with my own eyes, things I rejected until I fell to my knees and cried when I consciously explored, but I still don't have magic spells, it may be possible that only my love will have them down to earth, like a separation of powers coming with the new step...I understand incantation magic though, and I carry the soul of life, and only by witnessing its freedom through love shall I ever again...well...reward this planet with my presence and the gifts of my love, unless you prefer curses...But I'm starting to be a little too pretentious here...and it's all just in the head of a believer, no tangibility.

That being said, as a joke to those who want a message from the Jesus saves, as a lifelong walker, I'll say that maybe some people should take some walking habits instead of passing their time in gyms and driving around their image; not only it is incredibly better for the environment but you may truly find someone to save. I kind of saved 2 persons without a risk to my health just by taking walks, but I wouldn't die in the place of someone else though, even a friend, sorry, but I'd take risks. Carrying in shades an old drunk man who fell asleep under full sun on the sidewalk is not that much of a challenge. What I find hard is how some people don't care about such things, looking straight ahead like programmed robots going around a strange object. Probably he didn't look good enough, so he's worth death, besides, I'm superior and an orgasm awaits me, no time to dirty my hands...This attitude seems directly proportional to the money people get and then they'll lament that health care is expensive. You don't have to make a bad trip about it, just grab the old man and put him in shades then carry on. Don't wait for flowers or "love" to fall unto you neither, you don't help people from taking as an example the stereotypes projected from movies; no big cars around, no guns, no pulpous women and admiration; only superficiality of knowledge limits the true good you can do. You could go to the extent of exploring the life value of money you know!

With that, surely some psy won't be able to pass on the opportunity to tell me that I'm suffering from a Jesus syndrome or something like that, kind of like those to whom you say they look like this or that "superstar" and the next thing you know they're acting like they do in their movies. I may be suffering from something like that and, for all I care now, you may add it to my collection of mental sicknesses, even if I'm still waiting to feel sick or to get abnormal headaches or to make a depression. All I seem to feel is alien to this world but in total harmony with myself (that doesn't mean I'm supposed to live in a puff of smoke with an angelic smile). So you may say I'm sick in the head for being against your reality all you want, but I'm well even if I'm alone without the internet or T.V. and I'm not taking any pills. So even if you invent me a sickness, at the point I am today, all you'll get out of me is defense and often maladroit defense at it that you'll take for another sign that everything is not right in my head. Maybe you should lobotomize me, as I'm not far from saying that people are suffering from a (Joe I can't remember who) syndrome where you would be "kidnapped" by the ego reality and where you'd fall in "love" with it...just to trouble psy a little.

I never believed I was some biblical something (until lately when things decided to storm unto me, and it fits, had I decided to become a church guy, I'd have totally failed my destiny...), but there are many people these days who want to be exceptional by growing their hairs and taking the Jesus or antichrist coat...As for all this visualization and imagination, it's in big part circumstantial and in part my own will to go that path because you never know what may come out of it. Then there is the amount of time allocated to such thinking going through its intrinsic values of unconsciousness, consciousness, ego, PMBBD, truth, modifiable judgment etc; the path I have chosen is rare and strange and that may make me so too. But yes I recited many rosaries on my knees as a young man to get pardoned for my sins, but I hated it to the point that I made all kind of deadly modifications to the sacred messages, and I'm happy to say I forgot it all. At last I was good enough not to have to recite the bible.

Did you ever smoke one before going to church lately, like for Christmas? Smoke some pot and drink some vodka and go to the midnight mass! (The nice thing about having a strong consciousness is that however drunk you get you are never an asshole). As much as people kneeling and praying in harmony to ridiculous messages traumatized me in youth, it is more funny now, in a satire way. But I like those buildings, they are wonderful, I'd pass my time running around visiting them, I hope I'll see life worshipping places like these someday. These places were built by good people with heart and it shows, but they were indoctrinated, whatever they had hearty intents, and they build their kneeling condemnation, a wonderful building housing innocent evil (priests are very indoctrinated, they truly believe their institution is a good and helping one); evil needs good workers if they are to have beautiful things... But I'm too hard with my Jesus syndrome here, I should recite a few rosaries to remember my brainwash, ah, I understand, I'm impervious to PMBBD, that's why it didn't stick whatever the pain on my knees. But I think I understand the basic story since I was forced to that religion, like a lot of "evolved" people full of gadgets who still force their children to whatever superior indoctrination, including Hollywood which is in big part an indoctrination institution too, and there was that film they passed every year on the Christ... maybe my mind didn't like that one. Imagine at the time in cinemas, a sure traumatic hit!

That's about it for the Christ and me, I don't do miracles, I'm a lowlife earthling with green eyes, nothing too flashy or evident, just to skip the illumination since it creates unnecessary hype and twisted associations. And I got born from true manhood working the green of this planet, I think, or someone messed things up...At least I eat moose steak; those are harder to pop by magic...my fishes are better too, since I don't much like fishes distributed by "gods"...and when I wake up in the morning with a satisfying image, it is not one of a desert; it is one life, of people and of the future too. So even if I dream of the stars, even if I can imagine myself being a god swatting problems with bomb rain spells, I don't lie to myself, I know where I come from, I'm proud of it, it is life.

As for Christ's miracles, they are probably the fruit of the institution that profited from gods, maybe the guy can pop food but it's more probable to me that it is his imagination or dreams that the religion used for manipulation to make "peaceful" and "loving" people by encouraging a superiority ideal, since being the son of a god is an inaccessible thing, like monarchy or patriarchy. The goal was probably to use it to PMBBD people into inferiority to a god which is a representation of the ideal of the most ego people. A lot of history have been manipulated by religions to hide the crimes of some of the most powerful leaders (that can be anybody, not necessarily believing in what they preach). As for the story you'll read about them, it is the maximally embellished one; you don't ask an institution indoctrinating and controlling the mind of people to write the truth. Associating gods to ego attitudes is the universal basic unconscious form of control, which goes hand in hand with the control for ego competition pyramidal reality, which is working as long as you don't cross a certain level of consciousness... Still, Christianity was a fun and comfortable way to control and exploit (pacify) volatile populations at the time and to this day, the difference is that with time we cumulated many different ways to do it; dependences, television, internet, movies, entertainment of all kind, psy, science, an overload of sex, throngs of ego gods with a top skill etc. With all that, you're sure to forget the fundamental wrong, particularly when the selection is done.

Now, most concepts and philosophies have better facets than others, and almost all of them have a place, almost like an ecosystem of laws, so yes I could accept that you associate superiority facets to gods but that about it, ego inflation shouldn't be the goal. Anyway, we completely lost the judgment not to go too far in our associations, everything is twisted, or we never did try to control these (nothing to do with censorship of old, for those who will forever defend their PMBBD); free for all, ego is first.

Today I wouldn't care if you told me that I'm the antichrist or that I'm suffering from this or that, I'd take it as a joke, I may even go to the extent of considering it a game. And my love can tell me I'm a god, nothing wrong with that, but for a young person, such tags can be terrible, psy tags anybody? If you wanted to make a connection between Jesus and me, you could say that we are a kind of people that respond in a unique way to some situations we encounter, it's ultimate survival, and life's in it! Life is so important that we cannot accept what happens to it, and so we seek another way, or we dismantle the whole mental and physical structure if it is compromised in its integrity. But we understand, we just happens, for the chance, for the door, the key and the will, to give back the power to life on this earth! We will want to increase the signification and worth of life by exposing profoundly unreachable and unexplainable notions, not always succeeding; we may even get contrary results thanks to experts manipulators... Maybe Jesus never said he walked on water nor did he say he did any miracles for that matter, what if he had particularly fantastic dreams at night and wrote about them? What if the language was inadequate to describe his dreams? And since Christianity says Jesus never wrote, then what's to stop his scribes or apostles from making of his dreams a real thing? Next, do we know what the level of fantastic imagination of the time was? Maybe imagination with monsters and miracles was very precious at the time, maybe everybody had cheap dreams and he had dreams more like movies and once he started talking about them he became an automatic superstar! It would make him precious but dangerous in such times, just too good a coincidence for a religious project the powerful of the time had. Maybe most of his apostles were paid by the government to exploit his stories, or maybe it had nothing to do with dreams anyway, maybe it was all a manipulation from him and most of his apostles to make him "big", then other people mixed the whole with some historical imagination mixed with some facts creating a big and invincible PMBBD.

Being the son of a god was a popular idea at the time, a classic, everybody wanted to invent himself a story about how he was the son of a god, with whores and virgins to justify whatever, and women "loved" to get fucked by gods and making sons of gods...I shouldn't think too much about that, I could invent "evil" stories with pure benevolent being in them... Anyway, what would stop some crapulous beings from destroying his true story and use it as a basis for their own ends? The only way we can have somewhat of an idea about him is through his original written story in its not modified version, but you'd trust the powerful of the time not to steal such stories and twist them for their personal gain? Such people may have destroyed the original story of Jesus with its true meanings making of it a PMBBD thing and the pile of dead increased as well as sufferings, and we're far from being done with that, I believe the worst is to come since someday we'll have to end this craziness one way or another.

As for me, I'm me, not someone else, and I compare to nobody. And even if I wanted to be a Christ, how would I find a dozen good "apostles" in the billions of well manipulated one way or the other (like anarchists) people of this reality? Ridiculous, I'd have to waste my whole life finding people with the right attitude to help me. I'd probably only find divided and competing egos under PMBBD influences with whom I'd waste my time in argumentation against their pile of books and scientific studies, and even if I succeeded at getting some people with a fine mind not perverted by PMBBD, I'd have to keep running after them to keep them together under my particular and too easy to demolish, or laughed at in this reality, developing vision of things...and I'm talking good minds, not the weak or ego or evil ones, think about it! I'd probably have to form a sect of inferiors, or a gang that does its job for a pay, thus working from profiting ideals and they wouldn't like my opinion of them at all... I can't even be in love in peace of all kind of twisted pressures, can't even find a friend that didn't use psy mental warfare directly or behind my back, so forget the apostles.

Anyway, the Christ example is far worse than a waste as the death, troubles and mind and judgment atrophy caused by Catholicism is flabbergasting beside the cost if people had defended Jesus (if he existed as a good spiritual philosopher). But you let your beloved example be tortured to death, and you visited him with crocodile tears when he was planted on a cross. You destroyed all the good he stood for, in fact you hated him unconsciously because he was not an evil innocent jealous like you, that's what happened, you wanted him to stand alone to death, you wanted him a saint of everything, the supremacy of good, prove it, if you have one imperfection we are justified to do nothing. And don't tell me you were not there, that it was not your fault; you're still there, Christianity still exist, you didn't abandon it after his death, and today you'd probably do the same thing, even worse. And he had 12 imbecile apostles who survived for a shield? Not their job? Whose job? And why did they acted, all of them, like he would die? They are an invention to manipulate people? The guy is doing miracles! Push him a little and he'll pop a tank! You knew it was all PMBBD, you paid for it and humanity is paying for it to this day, you knew he was a simple human and could do nothing to protect him because of the PMBBD, you knew he would die, and maybe everybody did unconsciously and that's why they did nothing; the guy is doing miracles, not magic tricks, he popped food to masses, he separated the waters for a shortcut, damn, he would have had an army of protectors and a platoon of women running behind him, can you make a scar on him? And collect the sacred blood, yes? Then why did nobody help him? Why didn't you fight for him? Because you were jealous? You let the government assassinate him, you even laughed at him, encouraging each others while drinking wine! That's what you did, worse than nothing, nobody ran away with him, you pushed him to death, then cried your bullshit tears! Ah, it's true, the powerful good Ben Hur gave him a goblet of water on its path to death through throngs of submitted people, like...Ben Hur? Maybe he spitted in the goblet, but it's not in the bible or the movie, who know the truth? And Ben? And everybody on whom you make a story, a story that will get modified, transcript, traduced, corrected, modified, fought upon and updated. How many hands played in the story? How many parts have been taken from other religions or sects? But in the end, after all, he resuscitated; I think he had forgotten to thank his apostles for their great help, (that was part of the spirituality; the "do not use violence" of the bible), but he kept people innocent of it, just to mess them up a little more with "apostles rumors" (these creates loads of PMBBD, sects are full of those, just at the second highest step of their pyramid, and it applies to religions too). So he crept away in the darkness back to his tomb, leaving his drunken apostles who didn't notice behind. But that sure doesn't fit with the apostle style of the bible, which sounds like they are a pure invention, so there may never have been apostles in the first place...

What I say is that I'm certain the story about the true Jesus we are fed by Catholicism is twisted and manipulated, he could have been anything except this story. I say he was just an exceptional person born at the wrong time, his spiritual leadership was seen as an opportunity by rich people to pacify populations with a religion, thus his mind was desecrated beyond sense. He may even have been a life vessel but failed to understand it because of the reality he lived in where he had to be a leader of the conflicting vision in his mind, devoid of universal imagination. I believe he was not peaceful at all even if it may have been a goal he wanted (like people living in peace of PMBBD or profiteers). I say he was not so peaceful in its speech, writings and actions, maybe he was fighting more than we'll ever know, maybe physically too, maybe he eliminated some big evil with his bare hands! To counterbalance his failure toward life if he came to understand late, that the bullshit some were making with his work would eventually discredit him, that he could become the vessel of a vast reinforcing of evil, a small gesture, really...Or mabe he's been had by life, it had to happen, humanity was not ready to understand, too much missing science or possibilities, so let's do another round of stupidity...poor guy...

Under another optic it looks like a putsch to replace a government too, a failed tentative at forming a leadership that could take over a government, maybe a tentative at starting a different systematization base like love. Maybe they (Jesus and his apostles) condemned themselves to death by the weight of the PMBBD they developed to create an uprising too, logically failing since those who take the means control things... and since they make the selection with their pressures and constant PMBBD, you wouldn't get much of an uprising, only open mouthed...Then the leader was killed and a governmental institution, Catholicism, was used to deal with the enemy, or competing problem, unknown, spirituality, new view of love etc. The governmental spiritual institution made him different than he truly was, for its own ego-gods association goals.

I'll write about sports now, which I don't like watching for a start, with the only exception of some hockey that I appreciated when there was a team in Quebec City. I would have nothing against most sports if it was not for the always present inflated ego "stars" and the fantastic hype machine to make them. I think people are missing something here, because me I can't limit my appreciation superficially, I look at the interrelations and repercussions of people's attitudes and actions (Which can be the monetary needs of the person), and the phenomenon is automatic, contrarily to "normal" people (since the mass will say I think too much) who do it superficially and from society implanted preconceptions serving the system I should say, and the effort is still too much for most, so let's just shout like we're too happy instead, for a placebo effect! Worse than that, they don't want to do it, it's bad for the party; they want to believe in bullshit, and that's what the system need, and religions too. I wonder how big the base on the moon would already be if we were paying sportsmen in sense, or how many poor places would be all right, or how much empty vastness would have a good ecosystem or whatever else could be better, such dreams...But it would change nothing in this reality as the money would only fill the pockets of someone else's dreams of unfair richness (an ego emphasized person), so we're as well give it to anybody. This is one of many examples of unconscious lack of judgment and lack of equilibrium as paying top (mostly team) sportsmen less would absolutely, without a single doubt, not stop professional sports from being played and people from having fun.

The price we pay to satisfy their needs for a little difference in performance simply doesn't make sense; this can't be acceptable or logical. Why should I encourage a reality where a lot of professional sportsmen are paid more than 10 000$ for 10 minutes of play? I don't care they are at high risk of dying, I don't care they have to train 24/24, I don't care they cannot work past 35, I don't care people "love" them, that's still too much. But as always I'm condemned to it, like too many condemnations and limitations fatally interrelated to one another, which in total make me refuse this reality.

Such exorbitant people should not exist in a good civilization; and while professional sportsmen's attitude is just a fraction of the problem, a system permitting that much unfairness must be reformed, minimally, respectfully, I prefer to say that the Democracy-Capitalism business should be stopped (not modified to manipulate opinion pools). Systemized unfairness is a proof that a system is wrong in a human sense, whatever it works for calculating machines and the rich and powerful and all those who unfairly profit from others or innocence; they are all criminals and the same for their selection who "love" unfair people too, particularly if they're glittering with jewels or Kodak flashes. So their amateurs should get a life too, since there is no basic fairness sense in their head; they are reflection of a totally unfair reality with ridiculous priorities, and whatever the argumentation the best you'll get is a "who cares".

Some massive ego resizing and limitations and many priority changes will have to happen if I'm to start investing my life energy in this reality. Many people get 1$ for the same amount of time while working vastly more time for work having vastly more worth and positive effects as constructive to life, even civilization, and we need laws to enforce minimum salary, imagine without laws! The whip and food and a place to sleep and some entertainment? But who's to decide? Surely not me, and surely not the "normal" "peaceful" and "loving" population, I bet they can only be rich and high and big. The selection will always find a justification to work for their leaders, they only need food, lodging, and the belief that they are good, or superior to someone, or that they do what they have to do, or that they're doing enough, or that they work hard, or that they're normal with a quirk. Only a famine will truly revolt this sect indoctrinated to the system. So to just change a single profiting structure among the million, I'd need to become rich so I could control some part of something or give my opinion more value, adapt and climb a pyramid, help it, make it stronger, totally invalidating my initial goal or ideal. Yeah, we're eternally condemned to the ways of this reality, so don't worry, if I ever gain the ability to change things I'll have lost all my mind, or will to do it I'd prefer... So logic says it can't be possible, and you'll understand why as you read. For now I don't even have the power of argumentation; taken away by experts and PMBBD. And since everybody with godly dreams, if given enough powers, will want to destroy or profit from things that don't please them, I would be hard pressed to take that seat.

What I've talked about from the beginning of this book until now is just a fraction of the why we need another reality. But the main point is that this one is ego condemned from top to bottom, as a reflection of a philosophy and spirituality implanted long ago and still developed to this day, making it so ego people will always thrive in this reality, systemizing and exploiting everything for profit, for the likes of himself, or his friends, or his gang, systemizing injustice by making profit machines out of all human activities, and yes, professional sports is a profit machine. Add that to the fact "good" people have a harder time imagining being "bad" and we are in irreversible and invincible troubles. The "good" people have no choice but to pass their time trying to keep consistency, often at the cost of their sanity from being subjugated by the selection which don't have enough of forming a majority; they want absolutely everybody in their fun, hardcore sex party preferably. For the rest, they're occupied patching the holes of those who decide everything and always win since it's their reality.

We're missing transparent and logical noble goals toward which we can spend lots of energy obtaining evident results, and that means an efficiency value given to those goals. We have profiting trends inside pyramids but we don't even have a general direction or civilization efficiency principles because pyramids are meant to be eternal, a cultural thing, and so they are defended from the top boss to all the workers until the civilization dies from self limitations. Next you'd need one money, or no more than a few well dis-associated but compatible, know what I mean? While this reality is a pyramid of different monetary systems that are all the same, all competing each other to be the superior economy, wtf? It is impossible to have a well associated monetary system here since it is divided by country competition. And there's always a conspiracy to expend or expand war production...Then you'd need to make an indispensability toward life or goals emphasis to know what form of human spending of energy is most valuable in truth, but we don't even have a start of a principle at this (professional sportsmen pay is a proof of that). Finally, you need the judgment of everybody who want to be concerned and are, and that's a ridiculous notion in the current ways of Democracy, particularly now that the selection is successful and will ruin everything. When you have all that as a basis and more, like widespread true love, which is another impossible thing for this reality in sex banalization that "love" Montréal, and other fundamental principles, you can start dreaming of the stars, you'll find the energy, if you still got the resources after passing through your baby making extravaganza in the name of country competition, which wouldn't dare exist in a life reality... Ego reality has been "arranged" centuries after centuries to eliminate any chances at obtaining a stable, generations weaving judgment and mentality evolution basis; it is a controlled anarchy of "humble" and "exemplary" controlling ego maniacs or worse. And don't give me shit about anarchy, anarchy lead to the current state of thing; we are in the result of anarchy (ego people will always take control of anarchy, whatever the sweet manipulative way).

So the ones possessing the guns, controlling them, and having the most temptation to use them are generally the most "evil" people, "good" people have far more troubles using either physical or psychological violence, like PMBBD. But they are overwhelmed and it's a struggle just to know if they are truly doing good. They will need a far longer time developing their consciousness to come to a violence using conclusion too, they will try to find other, more philosophical, ways to reach their ends before abandoning to violence. This reality has no problem using that to its own ends, that's why most "good" people end up patching the "pyramids" thinking they're good for it, but they are part of the system too, they defend systemized unfairness, or worse, some do it for free!

Apart from being dependent and living in PMBBD, we are controlled by different gang sizes possessing different sized guns of different forms and categories. That's part of the ego-gods ideal in full swing terminal in this reality, and if you don't adapt to our default psychological ways, we have an abundances of different charlatan happy philosophy to mix yourself something, or pills, while sending money up a pyramid...

What do those vampires do with so much of people's life energy anyway? What do they do with it? Why is it so important that they suck it to death like that? Like they're so superior they are worth thousands of lives? What are they doing with it that's so wonderful and extraordinary? What do they need it for? Expensive food, big cars, big boats, big planes, oversized houses, voyages, parties, "love" (sarcasm), stashing, making more money by having more money (growing it in trees), big pollution, important things like that which permit their vision of an economy not to crumble. But most won't make much of a stash, they'll just spend it like crazy, then they'll have less so it look better until they need to bum Hollywood to show their face in a movie. I forgot to say they spend a lot for their image too, never forget their good side, the selection form its opinion mostly from image, but I already explained that.

Even if professional sports have been made a part of our culture (no problem there) and a critical part of this reality (dumping our dependence in such manner would cause massive unrest), the emphasis on giving them so much money makes them criminals. Yes that much, and you can say what you want, find any twisted arguments to justify, say that I'm making a fairness psychosis if you want, but our mind will not evolve past a certain point as long as we accept such flaws of logic as systemized in reality since the mind is a device of truth and whatever we try to make of unfairness a good or normal thing, whatever the justification, in our unconscious it will never be a truth, always a wrong. The more we defend it or work for it, the more twisted in self justifications to settle conflicts our mind will become, the more inefficient in complexity, and the more our language will become condemnations where words and principles can mean anything false. All in all, the more evil we'll become. But we are already at the "advanced" step at that so I won't go farther in this direction, anyway, I'll explain all this in "The Seat Of My Mind" chapter (book).

Accidents happen, bad luck, life does its things inside many random parameters which permits it to develop well or evolve. It mean life is fair with what it can do versus its mission, to contradict another belief used to twist the truth of a principle. The view of life as unfair is a displacement of the truth, a manipulation trick used by people to justify a wrong view or skip taking a responsibility, and it is a consciousness and intelligence limitation too. It is our job to make our human life fair, thus making the principle true at both the life level and the human level. A high consciousness systematization of unfairness is a conflict in our mind (more conflict in reality too, even if some experts will say it is because of the heat if people are more violent, to implant justifications displacement bullshit in the selection, but it is false; the heat is a catalyst not the cause, but soon we'll be the cause of the heat too...) which work under life rules, but yes, it permits some form of creativity or complexity, but under the worst form and very temporary, while the negative effect is tremendous. A mind developing well will seek to reduce conflict to optimize its potential, therefore, even if a more complex or conflicting mind can be bigger, it can become a handicap or a limitation of the human race; the trick is truth, the all-important principle, truth, (which include history by the way), and you can't have 2 conflicting truth, it create a battleground which never settle to efficiency even if you don't notice it (Can be settled but reproduction forces a reset as long as the conflict is not widespread eliminated in youth, the generational tree show if a conflict is settled quickly and thus can be optimized for true evolution to take place, the other facet of conflict is the production of conflict specific modifiers, having a left and right hemisphere could be such a modifier, at a more fundamental level, but this one would be a good one, a facet of the evolution of life in the whole universe, a step)

Who can make the affirmation that fairness is evil? So if fairness can't be evil, then it is good, and its contrary is unfairness, so unfairness is evil, there you have it; the truth, and acting against this truth limits the development of the mind, and when it is systematized for the whole humanity, then the human race have met one of its limitation, and worse, one of its property. And that's particularly true if people like it, admire unfair people, want to give them their means (life energy), or want to fuck with them (for all those women waiting in line after the most unfairly rich people).

I know ego people can twist everything to end-up saying that unfairness is good, but I can demolish any of their arguments. Like saying that it is fair that a top singer be ego since if he was not we would miss his creativity; that's a load of PMBBD, this reality serve better the most ego people in any sphere of creation, and replacing them with less ego ones doesn't stop that creation existing unless they don't have the means to express their creativity. So creativity would be remixed in some instances, or the same in other, but the result is that fairness would exist. I even believe there would be far more creativity raising more in harmony with the level of the civilization. Civilization must systematize the means to serve creativity, not ego people, and even in the worst scenario where almost no means would be forwarded to the structuring of high level creativity, the only negative effect would be that some forms of creativity would take longer to develop, depending where you put the means. In some facets, like artistry, it wouldn't be that bad since there would be less big hype and more of a naturally enjoyable civilization since people would develop complexity in creativity diversity somewhat in harmony with the capacities the civilization is in; do you think I have the means to see Feline? But I prefer tons of means invested in creativity, which include artistry.

Creativity is absolutely not dependent from ego people, I'm high level creative and I'm one of the less ego person around, furthermore, it applies to all spheres of reality; I could be a high level sportsman and it would change nothing. Encouraging the most capable of profiting to have the means of superior creation is in fact a limitation and an unfair selection; creativity doesn't exist tanks to ego people, it is ego people that made the system for the like of themselves to take the credit for most high level creativity, to live like gods and have their name eternally imprinted in everybody's memory in admiration.

And when I say mind development or civilization evolution I'm not talking about human 100 years standard, or production speed, I'm talking about thousands of years, life standard, the time it takes to optimize a truth; don't think your mind parts started as small efficient things, they started big, conflicting, inefficient, too complex and with bugs, and in another animal at it. After a million years, stable truth optimized these parts always smaller while they were passed from one animal to the other, always nearer the human form, until we got it at exactly the right moment, under the right form, in harmony with everything else life created in its wonderful dance of steps (more on that next chapter).

For these and many more reasons, and since ego is unlimited in this reality, and since nobody control his, and since nobody wants to take the responsibility of limiting this senseless craziness, and since I collect psy mental warfare tags, I'll have to set an upper limit to ego people myself. I say nobody is worth spending for himself 250 000$ a year. And no need for a manipulative formula to increase that; I could say that you're paid twice as much as me for no better advancement toward life and that's unfair. That's for people having the best effect on others, or life, or the single top position of a big work structure, read that over; it is not for anybody that can find an opportunity or grow a skill, I'm talking top good, not top profiteer, and a said single position in a work structure, not the top gang. Past this point you're slipping into evil whatever you do, so I have no problem seeing you as evil. Finally, everybody involved in the permitting of an unfair situation to exist "naturally" can reap collateral; that makes for a fantastic quantity of people, but I won't waste my time trying to judge you positively for sure, you'll get insults at best if you're on my path. I don't care it's legal, nobody is worth more than that and nobody good should accept that or encourage it with the knowledge of the way things are, whatever his skill or pseudo humility or philanthropy or good image.

And don't give me the bullshit argument that it is your own fault if you're poor, that you didn't get an adequate education or work hard enough! What would happen if the whole earth started getting an education for a 250000$ job, or worked hard enough (no the rich don't work hard, they're mostly lying, it's 7/10 family dynasty, but there are exceptions.) to get a 250000$ pay? What would happen? Following the stupid logic of the indoctrinated hordes, then it would be paradise on earth!!! The truth is that nothing would change, probably things would get even worse as you'd exploit earth resources faster. So you think everybody would buy a luxury house with 3 cars, a servant (paid 250 000$), computers, security, boats and stuff? no, money would get devaluated drastically and you'd still be poor, only the most ego people would find ways to profit from others for greater enrichment. Can you people understand that? The problem is not people not working hard enough or getting a super education, the problem is the system that is systemized unfair. This is a fact you must understand, if you don't understand the simple logic I just explained, then don't read any further, your mind is blocked from manipulative brainwash, there is no hope for you, you can't even heed simple logic, it's time to go religious, go!

People have lost all notions of what money is and its worth, they take it like they're worth an infinity, like they're climbing the ladder to godhood proportionally to money gotten. And the system is not supposed to be handicapped enough to need people stashing money like vampires filling a tank of blood for their old infinite days.

As for professional sportsmen, the attitude many of them have totally proves evil exists, and that it can, with the encouragement of the medias, form gangs of "beloved" and admired heroes and "gods" living in extravagance, richness and luxury while being oblivious to the tons of people struggling all over the world who are paying the price for their attitude. But don't worry, apart from their all-important image, they're good at making people emotive over insignificant things. Yet, when your team of "professionals" make orgies with admiring fans on hype, I say you are a bunch of rotten minds, even if some great expert will surely tell me sports grow intelligence; I witness the contrary, even if they are admired by the selection who thinks them exemplary because they have good public relations (believers and admirers are always flabbergasted by the truth of evil...). I say health in its most general meaning grows intelligence, and it's not all professional sportsmen that are truly healthy for sure, even if some scientist will say some physical attributes are a proof of health. Finally, you know what? You can make your competition, your PMBBD, your hype, your stupidity and craziness as big as the whole planet, ruin it whole to the dump for your high, but in the end you're forever condemned to the same true conclusion; there is only one winner at your sport, and it will be the result of all competition. Even if you ran at a meter an hour, there would still be one winner (it doesn't work).

Professional sports in this reality is quite a proof that the more you're ego the higher you go. And no I wouldn't dare underestimate the training and skills and risks involved in reaching the top, but you won't make me drop a tear, even if you die, me too I got skills, and I believe they are as valuable or more than yours, am I rich? And having such a big fan base and such accepted salaries is a proof that those lacks (judgment, sense, equilibrium, good) added to the strength of the PMBBD affect almost everybody. I have nothing against professional sports in a different reality, or any sports for that matter, I liked hockey and Olympics, my problem is that it is mostly based on ego competition more than the pleasure of it; there is equilibrium to be found there, between pleasure and ego satisfaction. My other problem is the nationalism competition stuff that is attached to bigger rewards too; Olympics are cool but do you need to make it such a nationalist and racist competition? Do you need to spend so much on pub making it such a big thing? And this is valid for professional sports; publicity man, publicity. The Olympics as a game is a good thing, but it encourages racism and country competition, and so under this form it is a reflection of a retarded conqueror superior race mentality of antiquity. But this reality is made like that, we're still religious and sect influenced because it is needed for the reality to exist under this form so deeply and probably irreversibly indoctrinated we are, we'll disappear in ignorance because we accept and tolerate peacefully and in "love" all this bullshit, every country must continually flex its muscles, all involved in a totally unjust, racist, and life destroying nationalism competition, we will exploit earth and people to death for this.

Competition makes sense mostly for games or entertainment, but reality is not a game and competition leads to unfairness, you do that in reality against an enemy which is meant to be destroyed; not your friend except for fun. The more we compete the more we divide and the more condemned we are since exploring possibilities need to go beyond division and competition; an argument hard on the ego ideal which fight, kill and destroy everything to compete as the final truth to every question while truth is automatically in a compromised situation in a competition environment in the first place. I'll add that truths are not possibilities made true with PMBBD; this leads to the elimination of possibilities based on probabilities, we've been doing that for thousands years with the result that a big slab of our knowledge is PMBBD while a tremendous amount of diversity in people have been selected out from lying arguments. History is full of lies, religions all compete and destroy with their gods for the final truth while they are all full of PMBBD, science too often compete for the truth eliminating possibilities that will eventually need to be explored again, and people in that? Will they know truth? They'll become zombies lost in bullshit.

I got away from my subject, to which I'll add that you're crazy out of your mind spending so much money developing infrastructure that destroy the environment everywhere the Olympics pass a few days. Olympics are one of the most publicized destructive and vastly counterproductive money making industry that exists; you don't have to make it that big you know! But I'm a child and I'm submerged under big adults here, and those don't seems to care being unconscious enough to spend so much money assisting these activities, encouraging and "loving" such out of control egos, particularly with television PMBBD... Most are entertainment dependent anyway; they live by and for ego goals as their wishes for their offspring are ego ones of a godly baseball or football or basketball or soccer player. And they can take steroids as long as they keep their "clean" image.

It could be somewhat soothing to know that there is still some resistance in people to preserve the last barrier of human dignity; image. There could be hope there after all, maybe we could rebuild from image before it finally crumble. The good use of image is an unconscious ideal, a visualizing pressure to do or be better; image under this optic is very important, we must make it the best possible and always try to project this best image, it's a wheel of evolution of certain facets of life. But image is mostly used the worst way in this reality, it is used to profit or to hide, it is used as a pressure barrier; we can do any crimes but we must preserve image at all cost because it's the last barrier of dignity this stupid reality have, or it is used to hide something you don't "love" just yet. We don't do the step of constructing from image; we stash everything behind it, spend tons of means to fill every crack with pressure until it is too late to recuperate things. Presently, in many pretty things, the process of image crumbling is slowly gaining accelerating momentum and the means on PMBBD to make people accept, tolerate, adapt or enjoy the sight have become disproportional. We have kind of decided that hell ain't a bad place to be, so let's have a party, (or a billion dollar royal marriage to celebrate the most unfair family dynasty), until something irrecoverably bad happens. But maybe that already happened long ago, leading to war, then to the supremacy of the ego-gods ideology...

As for steroids, in another reality with less pressure and investments on competition, better education and with better parenthood, maybe we could think of legalizing a few drugs. I personally smoked quite a few joints, but I was never attracted to "peanuts" or cocaine, even if almost everybody I knew had the cocaine habit as it is sniffed reality wide at the megaton whatever this reality talks from both sides of the mouth saying it is against it while there may be less smokers than sniffers... It is not illegal at all, it is legal and widely used, particularly by the rich. So while the true evil is hidden behind white clothes and cars, and the police get their pub stunt, containers after containers are distributed everywhere in the world...

And go to hell with your trade market, exploiter, profiteer, no need for such a thing for that big an industry, strange eh, yeah, the drug market works very well without a trade market...What can I say, evil needs good so everything hidden, often under twisted good principles, that way good don't revolt while getting used to evil, particularly in a reality full of PMBBD; good needs to be very tolerant, accepting, peaceful and all... And the deal is done, too late, good is systemized for evil, it defends it, it encourages it and works for it, it sniffs cocaine and have sex with it too, builds the most beautiful things for it, gives it all it wants, and you can bet it is dependent from it too.

Now, I may not like some drugs from personal preferences, but taking drugs in itself have nothing to do with evil, and cocaine is no worse than many pharmaceuticals, (the sniffing part sounds real bad though, sniffing coke looks worse than any activity you can have with your nose to me, and I have trouble with the babbling, and I tend to imagine myself distributing slaps around on all those grimacing faces, just saying...maybe I don't like the activity...) but I like to expose the inconsistencies, double standards and illogism of this reality, along with its evils, like pushing people to steroids, or publicizing worthless or even dangerous vaccines in the name of making mountains of money, and lying to masses is guaranteed to be too (for many pharmaceutical industrials). In this reality you are right to be scared to legalize some drugs because it would prove your reality is a hell too many people want to escape, or modify their experience of, whatever the price to their health. It's bad when people don't care becoming vegetables from trying to run away from true reality, and worse when the reality encourages it in movies and pubs; one of the use of the alcohol drug is to limit your consciousness of reality... There are tons of people escaping the reality with drugs, but it's not that bad, in fact it's perfect since most of them are not incapacitated enough not to work and won't go very high on a pyramid. As for sports "gods", many would explode their heart on steroids with their ego, and you can only hope that caffeine overloaded to shaking and energy drinks boosted ready to explode publicists will stay under control and not stamp "approved by sex party women" everywhere...

I'm exaggerating a little but you wouldn't dare tell me drugs are illegal when we are so deep in it that we accept publicity for it. In fact most governments are in it since it is a massive profiting industry, so most of it ends-up in the pockets of powerful people you "love". Anyway, nobody really want to stop such markets since it would lead to civil war, yeah. I should say this widespread drugging (I'm mostly talking pharmaceuticals and alcohol) is a reality condemnation; you cannot get out of it, particularly with your exemplary pharmaceuticals industrialists. This reality is becoming a reality of junkies, youth is a justification to do all kind of stupidities until you're almost out of adulthood where it's time to show your good, that way everybody can say he's a saint that did childhood stupidities. As for those who really stood up or strove for good, they are mixed in the lot and not identifiable, or better; alone and ignored. Yet, you know from sight there is something wonderful and full of potential in humanity, but it have been so desecrated that it is full of ugly dark and sick cancerous spots all over the place which will only grow while we try hiding them under tons of artifices and marvels. I should add that many are industrialized or systemized invincible growing cancers planted on mother earth and feeding on it too...

My personal health has had its highs and lows, I settled for some walking and some push-ups and things like that, and it seems to be enough for me to feel very strong, even powerful. I've always been quite in shape, but there was a part of my life when the size of my quest settled in, where I lost enough motivation to stop caring for myself and I quickly grew all kind of bizarre health problems. I would be thinking about things when suddenly I'd feel like someone planted a knife in my chest (that still happen now and then), the piercing pain would last 15 sec then nothing, like I just dreamed it. Or my breathing would suddenly be limited to a fraction of my capacity and trying to fully breathe would cause incredible pain. So I would try to, sometimes for a whole day, to get back my capacity and understand what's going on inside me, and what's the darn trick that makes the problem suddenly inexistent. Or I'd once in a while get bolted to my bed for 3-4 days without reasons, in heavy pressure pain like my filters were bloated to explosion and closed for repairs.

There are strange things I've always carried too, like both hears that sometimes go crazy sensitive to certain frequencies causing pain, and they both got their own sensitivity and pain; one is sensitive to human voice, the other is my radio frequency hear, but it only works in sleep. I see stars dancing before my eyes too sometimes. I've always had a quick beating Parkinson eye or two, not related to heart beat since it is around 60 and my eye is beating triple. Both my calves got such a weird effect all over them continually too, but I don't notice unless I look at them, then I see them bulging all random like there are tons of insects playing with nerves in there. At some point I had spasm effects at random places, a set of muscles bulging by itself for a week or so, sometimes both my thumbs did it in harmony, but I was able to control those spasms with my mind, and they seemed to be related to commercial fruits, probably insecticide or fungicides made by good scientists to protect the fruits against ugliness, you know, like women putting make-up in their face to protect against ugliness... There is this other frequency phenomenon I have, which is that I'm constantly buzzed in the head, like I got a background vibrator in there. I don't normally notice it when I'm active, but I do when trying to relax, I'd say the frequency is proportional to mind activity or something, and it is sometimes so intense it interfere with my ultra-sensitive hear and cause pain. I can stop it completely with my mind too, but to do so I got to hear it and concentrate on it, then I kind of relax my brain until it stops completely, really easy, like I got a big volume knob, but as soon as I stop controlling it, it start again, exactly like if I was grounded to 120 volts. (I feel like a grandma talking about her pains all of a sudden). You could tell me to go a hospital, I did, but I was never able to get a doctor to look seriously at any of those problems.

I don't like hospitals, I see too many bacteria and viruses in there, not a nice place for a recluse who eat his fingernails... someone like me got to be careful with his contacts while others people are around and I clean my hands as soon as I enter my apartment, not that I'm prone to get sick, I'm just careful, and good sanitary habits are always a good investment; I think it's been more than 10 years since my last cold...Sanitary doesn't mean disinfected apartment btw, my apartment is not very clean, I never disinfected it or used commercial spray to clean it, I live well with my ecosystem of microbes I could say, but I don't like the uncertainty of other people's microbes, even if I'm careful not to show it. It is in part why I don't want a high contact social girlfriend, I simply don't trust anybody. Current people start at 0 credibility level, then you may slowly gain my trust...is there a mental disease to qualify such an attitude? I'm sure there is... What's more, the code on the social assistance paper says for how long you've been profiting from the system and I don't like the idea of showing that to overworked doctors...When some of my health problems appeared I made repetitive efforts to talk to professionals about it, I was able to get someone to take a blood sample once but I never heard from it again. My Parkinson effects are normal, their stethoscopes say I'm allright, their patent to look in the ear say they're allright, and one took a radio of my ribcage ending up telling me it was allright. I don't like to felt like a lamenting big baby wanting attention, like they were weighting if I I'm good for a psy consultation or not, and what would a psy say? A hypochondriac that's it! I'm a hypochondriac, I have no physical problem, it's all in my head!

What's worse is that I look 5-10 years younger, add this to my bad luck and my social assistance status and you get mistakes, but for proclaimed professionals, the right word is incompetence. Yeah, I'm supposed to be a lot worse than my looks, but people under social assistance are not supposed to be able to care for themselves. In the end, I judged the kind of incompetence I witnessed is enough to invalidate the good of going there for an insignificant like me, unless in a life threatening emergency which they don't believe they need to prevent on me; I guess I'm not the one giving positive feedback on television about how great saviors they are; I'm not a working part of the selection so I reap the worst. That may be why my personal experience of this reality is in no way reflected on television....

I started caring more for my health and studying everything I did to stop those problems since we are never better served than by ourselves, they say... I eventually gained back control of things; back to more exercise helped a lot, I experimented with my meat intake to almost end up a vegetarian, but it did not work with me; I must eat some fish or steak every few days or I get weak. Now I know, even if I don't like eggs, that I can eat them at the tons without problems; to hell with nutritive experts, I will watch-out for my cholesterol later. I almost ended "high circulation" meat which I never liked much, wild unprocessed meat is what I like and the same for fish anyways. I eliminated margarine definitively too, not a problem since I preferred lard sandwiches to toasts with margarine from long ago. I liked nutella but I found out it was probably the main responsible for my severe condition where I couldn't move for days; I think I'm allergic to the stuff, strange. Did I mention I'm allergic to white or light intensity changes? Got to mention about that! Particularly fluo lights, they have a tendency to get me in a coughing fit, but no problem, I use it to my advantage, so don't think the roof is falling if you catch me looking up instead of sideways in a supermarket... As for nutella, even if I can eat some in small quantity without problems, it still jams my system and grows fat magically. I can eat a whole (good) chicken and I'll piss the fat (literally, it smells and I see it in the toilet as oil drops), but eating nutella gives fat results quickly, this product is too much of a phenomenon, but not as bad as chizz wiz...Still I don't eat fat on purpose, I use it to cook and remove much of it, particularly for chicken which I like crunchy.

Now, if a nutritionist was making my diet, stuffing me with its health final truths, he'd take the eggs and chicken off my hands telling me one is full of cholesterol while the other contains a billion calories, definitively too many. It's another thing I don't like; it's like everybody is human except me! Maybe media people and their experts should stop trying to standardize humanity to make a machine out of it! Nutritionist my ass! I'm a Jesus kind of guy, I piss the fat! Give that chicken back!

I eat a lot (less as I grow older), well past nutritionist standards, and I think it's because I got a strong metabolism because I overheat easily and I can dress lightly at -20. But I'm no superman, I probably have something that doesn't work well somewhere else but it is not within the emphasizes of the reality. I know that sugar can make me fat more easily though, and what if another thing interacts on my whole health globally, like water? I'm a cold water maniac, for me this liquid is the best of all, if only it could flow right through...I sometimes pray as I drink (I imagine a mountain), I can almost say I'm addicted since I make the effort of eating away from water because, you know, some expert said I drink twice too much...But I still can drink half a litter running to the fridge as I eat, but an expert said people shouldn't drink as they eat, except 2 liters of Pepsi I guess.... You can understand that aqueduct water full of strange particles is not my preferred even if I'm stuck with it. I even have a dream water source in my mind; I was young when my father showed it to me, a small hole on the side of a mountain sending water like a hose, the juice of the mountain, the insignificant moment got memorized in me forever, I'm ready to bet I drank the best water of this earth.

To go back to my things, I see health as a very complex multi-part thing; it's like seeking to build the perfect human, quite a quest and totally based on all the attitudes and attributes that form a human, so you can bet that a fat killing book contains as much PMBBD to me than a psy book... Everything works together, and a single facet can't answer even its own facet without embarking in a selection scenario, like making the same psychology all over by considering those that don't fit the scenario as mental problems to repair. Most of those facet extremes are contained within a diverse population, meaning that if you stick solely to food, someone may gain fat while another not and someone may get fat eating carrots but not from fat while someone else will work contrarily while energy expenditure varies greatly from one to the other and some metabolism select and reject stuff someone else will absorb while someone with a more active pancreas (anything) will spend more energy all the while drinking a cup of coffee will have an effect and blablabla...Therefore, either you create a selection that's all the same, or you start seeing people as independent beings, and it means people must know a lot about their own particularities, far more than someone else should. So you got to think about everything that can interact with a human being; genetics, food, attitudes, youth attitudes, parenthood attitudes, love attitudes, exercise attitudes, reality attitudes, psy attitudes, beliefs, and far more. Are you happy with my secret diet book? It's the "life diet" and don't you use the name for your next pub scrap for profits.

Somewhere along my diet I started doing the shaman and made strange herbal mixtures with old spices and herbs I had. They were big bags of leftovers given by my mother, so I replaced drinking tea, coffee and hot chocolate by such infusions and my eternal beating eye effect got replaced by an intense temporary Parkinson effect in that same eye, like a little insect was struggling against a nerve, a real hassle, it lasted about 6 months, then one morning nothing, no more beating, no more buzzing, I healed my Parkinson, a miracle! And I was developing the problem at all kind of places, to scary extent at it, I was passing from twitching to seizing, like my fist would suddenly close by itself for a whole minute, but these herbs stopped it all, except the calves thing. I eventually stopped using them and it took years for the eyes twitching to come back. I was never capable of identifying which one did the trick, but I'd have a tendency to believe it is a calming one since I started to sleep more too; I switched from 6-7 hours a day in 2 parts (noisy and stressful neighbors, totally inadequate environment for a writer) to 8-9 hours, and it came back when I got too stressed to sleep well, and it's very hard to get rid of, so I'll have to move to a place where I can sleep well (I ended up in the streets for standing for my rights to move, so now I'm worse than ever). Next, I found out the stars were caused by an unpredicted switch of attention or focus, concentration related to breathing, like I'm highly concentrated writing and without noticing it my breathing slow down to almost nothing, then switching my concentration (thinking of something else or turning suddenly) without beforehand regaining normal breathing caused the stars. They are a vision thing since closing my eyes make them disappear, so it may be eyes-concentration-breathing related or something, but I completely eliminated the problem with time by being more careful.

That's my experience of today's medicine, and don't tell me things will get better, I heard it already too often; it's a wonder we're not living in a fantastic utopia with so many things that forever go better... But I've had enough, my experience is that I'm almost better doing like Neanderthals; experiment and guess things in my cavern while doing herbal mixtures! Soon I'll throw your useless medication to go rub myself with plants in the forest! And it is not a joke, I don't like of hospitals and doctors while I should admire their work, I don't trust pharmaceuticals while I should. Even if most people in health care are good people, my experience is the main base of my judgment, and I write a book about the wrongs of my life and of this reality, and it just so happens that I'm under social assistance and thus not one of those better served for the assistance for sure; what I witness is unfairness, and since no doctor saved my life or helped me, then I don't have to praise them. As for the system, even if instead of letting people die of famine it provides "social assistance" which is a manipulation term used to make believe the system is great for letting me survive, it is totally unfair and hypocrite in the services it provides to the people it let survive.

Lately both my knees failed at once, incredibly painfully, I healed them myself instead of taking the risk of losing a leg to social assistance service incompetence. I don't know what happened, maybe I made too many kilometers on them or something since almost all my life I've been on foot on cheap shoes; I've walked my city over and out on hard sidewalks, and to and fro at home too, they probably did their heavy use time and today I got to be a bit more careful of jumping everywhere in the forest like a gazelle. Maybe wet feet didn't help too, either that or I simply stressed them too much in a single day. That's how they failed, I was walking in the woods when I suddenly lost both of them by jumping on rocks, 7 kilometers from home without a penny in my pockets... It was a very painful experience but I made it and a few days later there was no pain. But I still passed 3 months where I had to be careful, until they simply started working normally again. I tested them in the woods after 3 months, I did the same run while carrying a few aspirin just in case, and I did it without a single pain, I just skipped too much jumping and was careful not getting my feet wet. Today I wonder if it was all a dream or what as I can run and jog upstairs as easily as before. Now, I don't want to attack anybody, but there are health experts who sing we should walk no end Terry Fox style for big health benefits (until they replace our joints with ball bearings, I guess we're creating a market for knees specialists, the same we've done with toothpaste). I'd say this big walk's so good boasting thing is for people that go at home in cars, not those that pass their life on foot. I never heard someone say knees could totally fail and to carry some painkillers if you made heavy use of them; I could have died there, moving one leg was almost a cry of pain and a faint, it is pure rage and will associated to ultimate concentration added to a serious load of Tabarnac, Calis and St-Cibiore that got me home, and some inspiration from my father who lost a few vertebrae to the forest, dreaming of the aspirin he often carried. And don't you bullshit people that being a hypnosis adept would have made the pain disappear...

I don't want to always blame others, but I have no problem doing it when those others pass their time trying to teach me how to live until I don't know what to do without their help, or trying to tell me the human is like this or like that, or that we're living in the best health care system of the world while I'm scared of it...I thought it would have been a good idea to have a doctor check my knees but I didn't do it, I guess the system is too good for me! And I know that medicine is extraordinarily advanced and all, that listening to experts giving counsels is the way to go, but I told you that I base my judgment on my experience of living; I'm not worth helping without a battle? Then go to hell, I'll mix herbs, call me when you'll stop the selection and learn some fundamental principles of life and fairness; am I evil? No I'm not, so you have no right to select me out or act unfair with me; do it with evil people, that's the place for selecting out. Furthermore I believe today's medicine is half scrap, expensive, polluting and human and life destroying, even if I won't fail to mention it is very good for emergencies like accidents and epidemics and surgery too, I'll give it that for sure, and keeping old people in the way too... I'll add that there are many excellent doctors too, I know this, I just that I don't meet them, call it bad luck if you want but someday the pile of bad luck is so big that you'll have to change your justification. I can give medicine many good points, yet, is the positive effects of all those pills and chemicals that big beside the negative when everything is taken into consideration? Like pissing it everywhere and dumping the expired stuff while comparing what life can produce which is almost as efficient?

We just never studied fully all the plants that could help people and make something appropriate from it, unless someone can profit by applying a sticker that say it's good for the sex gland, or good for the heart, or good to reduce depression, but yes that's a start, a lot of drugs and weird molecules and vitamins and minerals work, on the long run your metabolism can even change from it, positively, and the price seems acceptable to me, but the omegas? Not so sure, or I should be severely deficient, but then I only use animal fat to cook these days, with a little sugar and caffeine and lots of complex proteins, I'm a kind of superpowerhouse of energy production machine, who said we needed air? Fishes? Bad air, bad, no air in outer space. But I decide otherwise, as sometimes I wonder for how long I've been in "stasis" out of breath, as I write as fast as I can...then I take a puff of smoke...and laugh...

Yes, and biologically (makes me think of my sister) oriented food diversity is quite impressive I must admit, just a bit expensive, but along with pills diversity, I'd call that a success for this reality...But I still say we don't know half the truth about life production true capacities, our coffee and cacao comes from plants, the same for all what we eat, we'll have to find a lot more people to study it, and doing it because they like it, not for profit and under pressure. Maybe then we'll develop more truth and find jewels, because as much for plant as for animals, the whole kit exist for us, and it will respond to us, as much by our selection and manipulations (care, boosted animals and plants dependent from us), as by itself as wild life and as ourselves and within ourselves too for sure, how we treat ourselves, its greatest achievement. If people were not that much on a quest for money until it becomes such a paranoia that it encompasses most of their life... At least I'd have some more adequate help when I ask for it and it wouldn't ruin the country on those rich doctors that pass their time boasting how good they are saving lives and all, and yes they do since it's what they are paid so much money for, but mine is not a priority for sure unless I'm on the verge of death so they could have someone to save. At least it's been a long time since I've had much health troubles, and I surely won't thank this reality for it...

But I sometimes feel like I'm buying time and that's one of the reasons why I decided to write this book ahead of its time; I feared a sudden sickness that wouldn't leave me enough time (the other main reason is my bad luck; I almost got killed a few times and I end-up in troubles extremely easily, particularly while socializing). I know there is a lot more to health than just exercise and good feeding so I'm paying the price for the decisions I have taken, even if I'm able to justify these. Loneliness kills, for me it is impossible to live alone, and I guess it is for most people (yeah, impossible, but I still failed to make a girlfriend after 24, 20 years without sex, I'm hurt, I'm really hurt, there's no words to describe the pain). Dying alone of old age (not in the no socialization sense) is something I can understand, but living a life alone is a continual struggle against death whatever the form it takes. I stopped caring for myself because my life lost meaning in this reality versus the quest I gave it, and at the time there was a lot of ugly, negative, hateful and even psychotic thinking involved...So after all my "near death" experiences, I guess I needed to experience dying of loneliness. Now, doing so made me the ghost I am today, and it is because I preferred dying than to bow to this reality and abandon my project. I fought with emptiness of will and made a ghost of myself you could say. What's more, to get back on the track of health I had to do these activities where I all kind of chemistry happens around people, I like cooking, but not only for myself, a party BBQ doesn't scare me, I can have relatively cool friends, I know it, I always have fun playing a game with someone, I can have the attitude to enjoy teaching too. For cooking I have a hard time understanding why so many women hate it so much; it is one of the coolest activity around, with great rewarding pleasures when others appreciate. I simplified everything greatly because I did things only for myself, particularly my alimentation, but with time I invented myself "spiritual friends" and we cook and do things together, even if they are a poor replacement for good people.

So I started back to exercise and cooking, but if I kept it very simple. That's how I developed and perfected my most useful recipe, something cheap for my budget that I can eat regularly between my food variations and experimenting. A dozen of eggs, some raisins (or cranberries), some sunflower or melon seeds or whatever leftover seeds and raisins coming from trail mixes that always have too many raisins and seeds, a spoon of salt, a little pepper, a few cans of whatever I like or don't like, (cheap 1$ rose salmon is good, or tuna, I did some with ground beef leftovers and it was good). I can add a handful of rolled oats, a spoon of sugar, some spices, and a little crushed chili. I mix all that in flour, add as much as I want until I can make something like squares almost as big as a bread slice but thicker. I fill the oven at 350 with those. The hot ones are always the best, but once it is in the fridge, you can cut one in two slices and toast them.

This is for practical people with a good dentition, to be done with aliment purity, cooking or restaurant hassles, and you don't have to make a prayer before eating it... It made wonders for me, even if I ate other things too. It can take a lot of variation but you may end-up with something strange to digest... And you don't eat too many in one shot, they are powerful cookies, good to be done with breakfast, good for the trail, taste is variable, never bad, not extraordinary either, but it attract your attention as soon as you're hungry enough; they're action cookies. I could almost do a pub... Add nutella, ham, an egg mousse, but my preferred is to paint both sides with maple syrup before toasting. If only maple syrup was not so expensive. Quebeckers are the producers of maple syrup (Not Canada), why can't I buy it at a reasonable price? It's better to sell it international and to hell with Quebeckers? We are meant to pay big price for the sugar cut form? That's it for my personal pizza, and I know I invented nothing, probably...nothing.

So I eat a lot of those cookies, adding a repast of full blown hard steak, Chinese noodles Quebecker style, spaghetti, pizza or whatever. For liquids, milk and water. Even if I don't like it I drink water from the aqueduct, other options are too expensive or complicated, I like simple carbonated water too, that's the only water I'll buy. Apple juice, weird fruit mixes without oranges in them, orange juice alone. Aqueduct water scares me since scientists decided that we could all tolerate a basic quantity of bacteria, toxins, chemicals and medication in it, but smoking is worse, I'll concede... I tried to spend energy icing it over, as it creates a brown bubble of doubtful ingredients in the middle which doesn't taste good at all, but it was too much of a hassle so I abandoned and continued drinking the diluted brown matter at the ton. Without talking about the water, I considered this diet as a minimum health basis and I'd play around it a long time. I've been moving my ass to see my parents in the summer lately, fishing a bit with my father too, so I get nice specials of wild fish, moose steak, rabbit little fruits and garden vegetables, so you can bet I appreciate cooking for some time when I get home...Just not as much as I'd like. Such a diet with exercise in moderation effectively eliminated almost all my health troubles except the panic crisis which took longer. When that happens, it's like all the blood of my body get in my chest; I want to vomit but I burp instead, my extremities become numb, even my cat panic with me, and the only solution I found is action; ignore the thing, do some training, get out, the worst I can do is going to sleep since I must think of every breath of air I take. That could last anywhere from 2 hours to 6, but the problem eventually disappeared too, I just never understood how or when.

I slowly expanded my diet from this base, testing one thing at a time to exaggeration and finding a few doubtful aliments, mainly meat products; some commercial meat even give me incredible headaches, but since it's natural and perfectly safe, it must be me that got another problem in the head... So yes I may feel better now, but I understood how I needed someone along with caring for myself, both are critically important, and that became a kind of never ending struggle; finding justifications to meet someone, then demolishing the idea as it clashed with my ways and the ways of the reality. I eventually abandoned to frustration as I understood I was in an inadequate situation. The problem evidently is money, my style requires more of it, it can't meet appropriate women without money in this reality, I need it to upgrade both my apartment and myself, my style likes to be presentable, and he wouldn't dare approach someone without the means to enjoy the moment fully. In other words, contact is extremely difficult for me in my situation. Then I don't believe a woman of this reality would want me under this form for long. And I'm too difficult in the mentality I want, which includes sexual attitudes, and this is proven from the relational history of the person. Added to that is my innocence coat that I must keep, which makes it so my ideal age pool is far younger than me, as it should be for me as I burned time to keep my youth in a sense. The result is that I hated this reality still more for it, this time for the twisted emphasis that comes along the tools it gives people for meeting others. I kind of lost hope someone in this reality could truly love the person I had become too, and nobody will "touch" me if I don't feel this potential, too bad for me, I'm that much of an idiot. Losing this hope transformed everything in a battle; feeding well, training, keeping the place clean, writing, even thinking, for a time I did everything without much true motivation, except fighting to succeed in my goals. But life would never accept me under a diminished form, so sorry, no depression for me, thanks. You wouldn't believe how long I can pass not talking or having news, and I live in a city, by my own will; talk about self-imprisonment; yeah, you better be slaves than this, and it's true. But all this is self-pity isn't it? Besides I can have friends and sex easily; I just don't take the appropriate attitude...

The last time I needed a doctor was because I had an infection, but the best health care system of the world is so crappy that even though I had malady insurance and my social assistance status gave me access to medication, I could only find, again and with difficulties, an incompetent frustrated doctor and the medication he gave me was not covered by my social assistance status. I had no money to pay for medication so my infection took almost 4 months to get away, thanks for the great assistance...

And while I was infectious they were making all this big fuss, almost a paranoia, about some flu and a big vaccination campaign; we're good on vaccination here, at the second someone fart strangely they start a vaccination campaign! They're so insistent about that it's ridiculous, hearing them you'd think half their population will die! I won't say that vaccination readiness is not a good thing, but is this a pub or fear or manipulation campaign or what? I want medication for my infection, not your vaccine! I prefer a cold to an infection you hear me? I guess governments buy all these doses of vaccines from pharmaceuticals industries at an unbelievable price so they must absolutely distribute it before expiration, like they care for the population, like a public relation campaign for the system. What the next step? Forcing me to take any vaccine they produce?

Medication for an infection makes far more sense in my mind, it is more individual and grave if it is not healed right away, it is worth the risk of taking some chemicals individually to heal. Vaccines are planted in the whole of the population, I don't like to take any new vaccines around, and my reasons are my beliefs about molecular memory interaction (I'm not talking about the virus "bit") which, in my opinion, can create more sicknesses over a long slab of time if widespread too much and pissed everywhere, yeah, I'm crazy like that. If they show me the list of molecules in their vaccines, really proven good and useful, then I'll go ahead. A new molecule in bloodstream once in a while is not the end of the world, but with the throwing about everywhere we've been doing in the last 50 years, there are enough new molecules now to give troubles to life for the next hundred years, but more on that later, for now let big daddy take care of us, and while scientists and doctors are all looking at our asses in wonderment in pub campaigns, I'm having an untreated infection...

I guess lots of the poorer people receiving social assistance are in the same situation if they catch a disease that is not an immediate risk to their health, they have to keep it until it get away (while spreading it), or become critical because the medication is not covered by their status and they can't pay for it (whatever the paper says the contrary, but who will go against the government liar for that? Me? And social assistance stands for social wellbeing in my corner (Bien-etre Social) by the way, I don't feel it at all, or anywhere for that matter. You're just contorting the view to divert responsibility. The same for social assistance that is no better as a manipulation term, meant to make well adapted people think they're great helpers doing a wonderful favor of fairness to parasites while it is a bunch of PMBBD, the true term should be "right to survival means". And saying medication is free is a lie, the true message should be: "some medication may be covered and you may have access to the more incompetent doctors, or you're the last of our priorities". This is the truth.

So I'll have to wait until I get money to have adequate service, which I won't get from encouraging this reality (just like meeting women), and find a place where they have less ego, more competent, comfortable and not overworked doctors. I'll have to add that infection to the depressing batteries of test I'll have to pass too; if I had met a competent doctor and had medication, the problem would have been eliminated right away while it was still a visually identifiable thing. And we are living in the best health care system in the world they say! But yes, a fraction of the money for the help to the poorer people really ends up effectively helping them, but its efficiency value is laughingly ridiculous, and I don't like to feel like a bum. I'd be curious of how costly the whole structure is versus the help it really brings to the poor minus placebo pharmaceuticals; probably more than a majority, 60%, of the money is in the structure, and mostly to pay sitting and important looking people with fat salaries, and to pay loads of unneeded pharmaceuticals that need to be dumped "somewhere" and reproduced at the ton before the end of their expiration date...And I know some will immediately jump on the "it is worse in this or that country " horse, probably proudly citing the U.S.A as a comparison, but I'm not here to find justifications to stay blind to better options because things are worse in another country. Anyway, only very moronic people see things that way and even though I know there are many who stop questioning at this step, I'm talking about my personal experience as a socially assisted; I know things work quite well for those who accept or adapt to the ways of the system, and they have been brainwashed to believe that adequate health care is a synonym of a good or evolved or modern society while it's total bullshit; it's just a facet of a system; even Lucifer need to have and provide health care unless his gremlins die too young or revolt...

The situation is the same with dentists, the first time I needed the service was to pull out two wisdom teeth. It traumatized me of them forever; he played 2 hours in my mouth, planting syringes, sawing my teeth to pieces, hammering, and forcing with pliers and bars; twice he slipped and planted the thing in my throat and the summum is that he cracked one of my back tooth which would take 10 years to crack open revealing a decaying tooth. The only defect I have in the mouth came from dentists, thanks for the service... They didn't help themselves from the beginning since even when I was young I saw toothpaste as a chemical mix that weakened the teeth as much as clean them; good for the toothpaste industry and for dental specialists. I put toothpaste in the same category as many medical chemicals so I "never" used toothpaste and I'm somewhat of a smoker. The strange thing is that I can flabbergast any dentist with the strength and quality of my teeth, and I don't smell so what's wrong with me? Or what's wrong with toothpaste?

So the only problem in my mouth came from a dentist and when it was exposed, it took all my will to go see one again. It is written on the social assistance paper that dental care is paid for (covered). So I went to the dentist for the second time of my life, with lots of reticence, and they passed me all kind of expensive exams, to exploit the structure to the maximum, to finally end up saying that I needed a canal treatment for the tooth the other failed before doing the filling. The filling is paid but the canal treatment is not! and it cost a thousand buck. After my apartment I'm left with 300$ a month so do the math... But they gave me an address to go where they pass their time pulling out socially assisted teeth! I got out and never went to the teeth puller so I still got that tooth after 7 years of munching from the same side of the mouth. Dental care is "given" to people receiving social assistance in this best system they say, but it stops at a certain level so it is a lie, and the limitation exists not only to stop me getting the service, but to stop dentists exploiting the situation too. But the teeth puller is paid for and my old experience at it lead to the breaking of that tooth, so how can I trust them? No way. And not only that, they should write that dental care past a certain point is simply impossible or illegal for people under social assistance if it cost too much. Since if I make 1000$ to pay for "repairing" the incompetence of the other dentist and stop my face from getting deformed from eating like an imbecile, finding this 1000$, they'll cut the social assistance check and I'll pay almost twice the amount, about 2000$, since I can't make more than 200$ (not cumulative) over what they give me without getting cut every month until the "illegal" amount I'd make, with which I'd pay those "dentists", is reimbursed; since they'll take it back by cutting in the money they "give" their profiteers, those that don't like their "loved" best system. Can you invent more twisted than that?

I know there are tons of competent dentists, I just don't trust them anymore. People don't necessarily need that much toothpaste either, I remember the stuff they gave at school to detect microbes in the mouth, you passed almost 10 minutes the mouth full of brew brushing absolutely any little corner and you'd still end up with bacteria. Now we splash alcohol and peppermint like a benediction everywhere there's a bacteria, we're not far from setting fire in our mouth, that way we'll become dragons effectively killing all life... Maybe we could become toothpaste dependent until our genetics decide it's a given...even if that may not be possible, we'll really start to see the extent, even if we already do, of all our present actions maybe in 1000 years; the after planet wide democracy-capitalism, petroleum-electricity, chemical rain epoch, or the bacteria psychosis epoch, or the scientist as gods epoch, or the super sex epoch which needs loads of disinfectant...

We may be growing real monsters by acting like we are only limited by sickness, and not only psychological ones. And this applies to living in a white social laboratory, as much as sex, developing perverse sicknesses while becoming allergic to everything else. And we're disinfecting the planet of life too, and we like to disinfect ourselves with wrong wars too, and condemning to inferiority small tribes of microbes... I wouldn't live without disinfectant so I won't say some disinfestation is not necessary, but the more you fight against life or compete it, the more it will seek to turn around the limitations imposed to it; it is not the strong that survives to attacks, it's the one that is outside the attack range, or the less limited. But it doesn't only work like this since life as a whole, call it Gaia if you want, is connected to its forms indirectly and will react to its developments. Maybe very late at it, but it will "battle" for all things that are logically important to it, it will win some battles lose others, but in the end, when it won't be able to get the message across, contour a limitation or repair lack of understanding on a thing that is important to it, it will encourage the life-form to disappear by always upping the ante of its attacks; its messages will become stronger until you die out of it. Unless you race ahead of it to suicide, but the only reason you'd do that is to compete it to death for ego reasons. The human thinks life should be on its knees before themselves, but it's kind of the contrary; anything living came from life, sorry, kneel before life now. But no, sorry again, life got too much humility in all its extraordinary creation to make people kneel before it, life too is thankful for its existence...

Half of today's super production of tooth paste is for profits, and to fill the pockets of industrialist and dentists, and it ends up where? Everywhere. I'll start using toothpaste at 40 a few times a week and increase its use as I get older, that's the place of it. For now I just brush them with water once a day, they are "naturally" white, and they don't stink because I killed all life in my mouth to become disinfectant and dentist dependent. The gum industry got in the stinking business too, like people stink so much they need toothpaste, mouthwash, gum, deodorizers and perfumes... What is it? Can't pass an hour without disinfectant or odor maskers? Do you eat shit or what? Did you ever read the list of ingredients in those things? And what's my problem? 2 of my girlfriend were addicted to my natural body odor to the point of falling asleep in my armpits! Nobody ever told me I should use deodorant, and I do smell! I clean my mouth most of the time with my tongue, I don't stink from the mouth! My teeth are not saintly white but they're not yellow and they don't fall off on the floor, exactly the contrary! And I don't believe someone can eat more acid than me and my teeth don't disaggregate! I eat a big black bag of acid apples every years, I like these, the taste explodes in the mouth, (there are all kind and yes, some taste bad), you can't compare them to any big tasteless apples on the market that you have to peel to get rid of the pesticide, fungicides, insecticides and wax (just scrape a knife on the surface and analyze it) I wouldn't eat a black bag of them without getting the shake...for a crude fruit and vegetable maniac like me, commercial stuff for the poor is not only bad as taste and texture; it is poison (never understood why commercial carrots taste gas, and people actually eat this? And why there is no study on what is giving the gas taste?). They don't sell such better quality food as the apples I like in this think big and sugar brainwashed and addicted, sanitized with chemicals reality, they are not as flashing or perfect visually, and they don't bring in as much profits. I have the same opinion for blueberries and strawberries, it's like the taste is diluted in size and sugar for profits, someday we'll eat strawberries (with a property) as big as apples that have less nutritional value and equilibrium of properties than the little savage ones. Anyway, I say it is teeth already weakened with chemicals and acid combination that make the enamel thinner. I'll prefer hated small apples anytime, I'll eat acid as much as I want, I even use acid at home (less as I grow older), I cook with it, yes sir, I may be the only one in the world, but I actually consume (citric) acid, for tomato sauce mainly, since I can't eat the disgusting industrial stuff full of sugar, but I can use it anywhere. What is this sugar mania anyway? They put the stuff in everything like they found the nicotine or cocaine of food! But too late to control those profiteers industrialists, anyway, you wouldn't dare control a dependence market in the Democracy-Capitalism business, some ego profiteers would create a conglomerate or lobby and sing the liberty word that should unlock revolt in the brain of the dependent selection...So people are growing sensitive sugar teeth with hardly some enamel on them, thanks to the dental psychosis industry... But they are white Chiclets you can easily see at night with your car, very important for this reality; always preserve appearance, like the appearance of intelligence...Are you apparently intelligent?

As for my friend the dentist who was impressed by the quality of my teeth and asked how I took care of them only to end up frustrated by my answer and jealous of my dentition, if you can't stand someone under social assistance like me proud of never using your toothpaste while eating acid and not smelling from the mouth, then find another job! You feel exposed? People under social assistance are stupid shit to make a profit? You can't stand someone having no use of this indispensability you worked so hard to successfully gain? Failing my teeth make you indispensable? You want my wellbeing to be dependent from you? And make profits out of your mind? And you tortured me for it by planting syringes all over my mouth and hammering everywhere like an imbecile to pierce my throat with your tools fucking sadist? I'm frustrated? You bet I'm frustrated; I am every day, every time I eat, and I don't displace my frustration to weaker or poorer people, I keep it for an opportunity to kick it back at the right butt! But I should be careful when insulting people in this book, since for this reality's "lovers" you must forever infinitively tolerate, a direct insult is a proof that you're bad or intellectually challenged, be peaceful and "loving" to stupidity could be their motto, and present the other cheek if you can! No justification can go over theirs, they got experts, psy and scientists, dentists of all kind covering all options and watching every corners in their best system, an insult or a menace always end up as a free thing, no justification can exist, no attack can be made to their "loved" reality, and they work so hard, and they are so good, the best...

When you boast that you "give" a service or help, you don't "give" rotten eggs, you don't put false or manipulative affirmations on paper, or small unreadable characters written in a vague language always serving the group of experts "giving" the service or the top of the pyramid. So you don't say dental or health care is covered while it is not, and I follow my experience, not the one of people on television.

My experience at asking for help is a total discouragement, and the more tentative I make, the less I want to ask for it; I don't want to fight to get the help to fight to get the help, know what I mean? It is stupid, bad for many people and counterproductive. I want help and if it's too hard getting it adequately, then go to hell! I'll do things from my own incompetence, even if my results are not on par with what those who pay fully get (if they are lucky). And don't give me the example of the handicapped as a comparison, particularly those handicapped for life unlucky children that all those institutions are so proud of helping and showing, and where it look best for many people to invest some of their money for their image and "good" conscience, or to gain support for something else or votes.

The best health care system in the world they say...When it will be time to take my organs I've been trying to keep healthy all my life, to sell them to some rich, now they'll take care of the socially assisted cadaver. I should add that contrary to some scientists, I don't believe that burying a cadaver is what makes us human, we can bury them, we can kick them too, we can burn them, pile them in big holes, we can carry them around on poles, we can mummify them, we can attach them to a religion, dust to dust. Me? I prefer to be assimilated higher in the energy structure of life, worms are very low, they're sure to never be extinct, a lion would be cool, no, not in a coliseum, a whale? Whales don't eat people, even the white one that ate Gillaume Tell failed; I think it was Jonas though. Who is Gillaume Tell? An archer I think, the internet knows...Any lion worth the name should eat someone time to time, like the fox chase but inversed...Good people using my organs or body, for science and healing is perfect, preserve my genetic if you want, but don't stuff me with preservative for show, I want my remains appreciated by life, kind of, and don't build a pyramid to protect my carcass forever, I'd forever live in shame. For now, this hate on socially assisted people is making me so sick that I'd want to specify that my organs be made available to socially assisted people only! Can I? I want my organs donated to good people, my body under their will, which can be science.

I know the hypocrite hate of the working hard class for socially assisted people because I have kind of a long history of experience at it. I don't look like someone under social assistance and some people easily talk to me (never had the luck of being accosted by a girl my style though...), so I can tell you that we are the main subjects of hatred for many people who think they make the world go round by working hard. Some will wait hours at a line with a smile anytime except the first of every months, their frustration level is a lot more evident then, like they're perverse enough to wait for that day to get out. I try to understand or pardon, or tolerate peacefully or accept, but I can't do otherwise than wishing them to disappear, even if they worked hard all their life to make this hell out of "love" for their children; maybe they worked too hard for an unsatisfying result and their resentment spill on the weakest since they didn't develop their mind well... They don't think someone under social assistance can be doing something good, only them, nobody under social assistance can work as hard as them too, we profit from their system! Nobody is worth surviving in their best system if they don't have a job and encourage it, like it's logical, like it's the conclusion from their life long experience at living. Do people have the right to have a different opinion of reality than you? Maybe they are not brain-dead submitted, maybe they don't believe anything on television, or the religion of the place, maybe they understand this scrap of a system in feeling far better than you in your bullshit, maybe some have all kind of ideas that could make this world better, maybe some are ready to fight for a better world contrary to you! And how can an adult be so stupid as to think I have the same opinion as them? That looking good or talking well are the main criteria for separating good and bad while they mean nothing else than I'm looking good or I'm talking well?

And they talk like I'm going to defend them for their piss-ass attitude, damn! Last time I met this disdain (not that it happens often, but twice is always enough to be worth a kick, I don't wait for 3...), I said that I am a school dropout and that I've been under social assistance all my life! You should have seen their face and how bad they seem to feel in their skin.

I will add that a big part of this hate problem comes from using manipulation terms to twist the view of people away from the truth of things; people think they got a great heart for providing "assistance" they think people not having a job are leeches or parasites, they think they are good and provide "wellbeing" to those people that are inferior or rotten or wrong because they don't act or see things like them or work to encourage the system or care about it. The truth is that they only let them survive in their world, some principle the most retarded tribes understood long ago, but they didn't have that much of an extraordinary unfairness difference... Today I say it is a shame to qualify your civilization as evolved if you still can't provide a basis of comfort and fairness that everybody has access to without a bad feeling while you build big ego marvels. The system got to keep people surviving, no choice about it, but the complexity of the current system made to strip a cent of profits everywhere in the name of extraordinary unfairness is ridiculous to stay very polite, and the summum is to make people feel like parasites for surviving, the true parasites are people taking unfair means, that's the truth. But parasites may not be the best term; I would say that the right imaginary creature to describe them are vampires manipulators.

And I'm not talking about media people who are the main propagators of this hate for the ones not working for their system, it's hypocrite, sometimes just a quirk of the mouth showing their disdain while they talk like they defend the poor, but the effect is worse than a direct insult so much that it feels like big altruism and sacrifice thing. And if they suicide, then you can bet media people will not have said anything wrong, they'll even point at the selection, which is meant to reap the responsibility by being overly susceptible to media manipulations, until they barely retain their polite composure when talking about how people like me supposedly are; we profit from them, we think only about ourselves, we pass our time on drugs, yeah, like we're evil, and workers are so benevolent, too much, that's why they're so proud and pass their time photographing their ass and showing it to the world, and they're so angry at the poor, whoops, scratch that, profiteers like me...no, not the poor; condescending people need to keep their mind in full conflict to persist in reproducing their mentally stagnated recipe of pride and happiness...But it's all so fake it's ridiculous, behind the philosophy they defend, their frustration, jealousy and hate is so blatant to me that I have to fight pity with pathetism. Jealousy, they jumped in the system believing it is good and will give them their ideal life if they work hard, but it doesn't work like that in hell... They were not made to understand that it's their choice to transform a big slab of their time to money, they can't understand that they are in the wrong reality to live the good effect of money, and they are blind to far more difficulties in others because they only see through monetary limitations, and there is always someone worse. So they sold their soul to the devil, they get tired and frustrated after years of fighting to climb a pyramid step, and now that they realize they won't have their ideal life whatever the effort (the same for the poor btw...) then they unconsciously want to have that time handed back to them under the free form, they want the freedom but they choose the money. Or they realize they lost a facet of freedom after they got at the money, or the path to the money was too ugly, working hard and hating it while singing that they "love" their job, just to mess-up things still more. And now that they are jealous they'll embark more strongly in the ego competition to get more money or control, and spit on those less inclined to take the same attitude. Evidently it's mainly unconscious, just another facet of the ego competition, and I'm generalizing to explain, but frustrated or jealous people will often develop such twisted and sick mentalities, and often the ones they'll accuse of all their own sins are the farthest away from them in mentality, particularly if they witness a guy successfully developing better humanity than themselves from survival means, like me. They want what I have, it should be theirs they think but they don't want to do what is necessary to have what it takes to have it, and so they'll twist the vocabulary completely to evil out of frustration of their own philosophy to make it a weapon against me, in jealousy, against their only chance, but they can't understand any of that in the mess of bullshit that the "gods" they admire made to keep them under their leash. So you can try to culpabilise me for not working hard your style, or not making system kids, but now you know that I can culpabilise you with far more conviction...

Still, I should mention that this is not a constant situation, and this is valid for many situations I'll use to try to explain how I feel. The world is not directly and constantly hostile to my type, I got to last a lifetime of mental torture you know, but it's all in the details, hell is in the detail, and I describe what is hell for someone that is not contributing to it, so my experience is not the same, the factors pressuring my life are not the same and of the same importance. And the joke is that most of those situations are the result of misunderstandings arising from media industry bullshit. And me, it's almost like magic but I know it is logic, I just attract troubles because everybody want something of me, but I test before I give, and not many pass, and you can't buy me, so your gifts are better be made from genuinely good feelings or they'll worsen my opinions.

Once you are as low as me it is very easy to drop still lower, the temptation and pressure is always there. If you don't want to be controlled by it, this reality will give you opportunities to do it. As an example, I don't have a driver's license, it's too expensive for me and I can live without, so I only have my malady insurance card with photo as an ID card which is necessary for cashing in a check and I don't want a cash dispenser card. (I don't want to pay their transaction fees (that changed lately). Furthermore, the only people (almost) someone with my means meet or talk to are cashiers (sorry, but I ain't got the mind to have bums in the streets as my socialization circle), better socialization than this is too costly for me (bus, beer, food etc...) and the results are unsatisfying (I mostly end-up in troubles from guys who can't take it that their girls are interested in me, and I never end-up catching the girl that pleases me...Or I insult too easily with my opinions) So even if cashiers are not much of a conversation, at least there is an exchange) To go back to my things, my ID card recently expired by a few days and I didn't notice it until the bank told me. All of a sudden, no bank, under any circumstances would want to change my "government's" check even if they knew me. I tried 5 banks without success, even shouting and breaking things to no avail. Either I killed myself, became an "escort" or died out of hunger.

But that's not all; while this was going on I had to renew my card. I spent 10$ to make a photo only to be told, by the clinic, that they wouldn't sign the form since the ID card in question was expired! I had to pay 5$ more to take the bus and go to the malady insurance building only to be told that they didn't accept the pharmacist photo in my hands; they were making their own photo and I had to pay for it (while the clinic would have mailed them my pharmacist photo and it would have worked). So I had to pay another 10$ to get my photo taken by them, but I refused to do it; I was too flabbergasted by all the trouble. I insulted people kicked things and got a few police cars to bring me to the hospital for a psy checkup since non systemized violence is a proof that you got a sickness in the head. Next thing you know, they all took my expired card like my identity was allright for everybody; the cops used it to look at my file, the hospital used it to make me a hospital card! Funny, eh, when you think that what led me to the hospital was my fight to use that same card as a valid identity in a bank that actually knew me! I guess bankers prefer people like me as dead, and since I made the unbelievable and worth death mistake of missing the date by a few days, it was an opportunity they couldn't miss to show who's boss...But I still didn't have a valid ID card to change a check after that trip, so I took the yellow pages and went through 4 clinics on foot explaining my situation until I found a person with enough humanity to understand, sign the paper and send my pharmacist photo to the malady insurance building. In the end, I still had to find someone willing to take the criminal risk of changing my cheque for me for 100$! I escorted him to my bank and got the money. So in fact I was forced to do many criminal actions. I'm bad! Just lucky I have greater uses for my life, I'd gladly have upgraded my criminal status...

I find things like that all over the place in this best system evolved and modern 2000 bureaucracy, going to the pharmacy to get a photo, taking the photo to a clinic to get the form signed, having to go to the malady insurance building because my old ID was passed date by a few days, etc. It's like the Canadian and Quebec revenue agency where I'm always struggling to get them to follow their own laws; every few years I'm battling them because they try to skip sending me my due as a poor, and they'll never reimburse their mistake because they end-up saying you made the mistake which is never true but you got to abandon because they make the experience a nightmare. You call, go through their funky automatic system to end-up waiting for half an hour listening to suicidal music, and when they answer it's only to cut the line "by accident". You call back going through all this again only to end up dealing with a totally frustrated and hostile homosexual that ain't got a iota of respect. But you stay polite, keep your wits, go through his funky explanation to end up being told it is your fault, without a way to prove the claim, but they'll send you a paper to repair your incompetence; you are so happy to hang up you forgot to ask if you'll be reimbursed the previous months. One month later, you still ain't got the paper, so you go through their "service" again and it ends-up as your fault if the paper didn't reach destination. Almost a year later and 200$ less you finally get the paper to say you lived alone while you always did and never made a mistake about it. Still, not a chance such an information could pass by the phone a lot earlier, and now is time to fill the revenue papers again for this year, and you can only hope things will go well; for you...I hate them, all their little lies and manipulations that always end-up to their advantage, I want to be done with their hassle, can I? But they're saint they'll say, here are the proofs, so what can you do? Nothing, I just accept their decisions.

My local bank is not much better, they charge fees as much as they can and their emphasis is to do it on the poorer since you don't pay fees if you got more than 1000$ in your account; and they actually call it "equitable sharing of fees"! But yes, in their twisted manipulating vision they are fair, and nobody complains since people are accepting and tolerating zombies only thinking of fitting in and having fun. So they charge 40$ for a check that don't pass. But guess who pay such fees? The poorer people, and 40$ is a big amount for a poor person who must live with 600$ a month (remove the rent and phone and you are at 300$). The account of poorer people is always on the line every months, and they have no safety stash, except if they take a credit card... Now that I explained why it is the poor who pay those fees, I'm ready to bet 90% or more of those 40$ are taken from the poor, and I'm ready to bet that in 90% of cases the mistake was not intentional, more than that, I'd say it is often the fault of the bank itself. You can bet they keep such statistics secret, and you can bet nobody will make a study on the subject, and the effect on the poor... And even if they did provide statistics, I wouldn't trust them. So why such exorbitant fees? I bet they make tens of millions a year with this. It happened 4 times to me while I'm almost making a paranoia watching my expenses. Even if you are 50 cents in the red they'll jump on the opportunity to charge 40$, and the one for whom the check didn't pass, they'll want to charge punitive fees too for sure, 82$ the last time 300-120=180$ for the month... All those things are so cheap shot it's a shame, and I hate those who do this, and the people who don't care too! You think they can't charge less? They could, but they prefer to think they are good and fair profiting as much as they can to grow their mountain of profits forever more unless shareholders start crying, or the gang of rich can't enrich itself a "fair" amount more this year...

As for the selection, thinking about it with my experience you'd almost get the impression that those who don't work are the cause of everything that goes wrong, not having goals, projects and ideals, I would have destroyed my brain one way or another, probably drugs, to escape my insignificance, or I'd have failed my responsibility toward life minimally...Yet, even the poor hate each other, the division and competition for reigning is that profound. And I'm in it too! But we all tolerate each other! Even food markets give their worst prices on the first week of every month, such touching attention...Only the system can change, but everybody makes it so the system can't change, we have the one and only system and everybody is worth their troubles, welcome! Whatever happens it's just fair! But we don't take no destiny shit from nobody! And if it doesn't work it is because not everybody works! We are going atheists but beware of antichrists!...maybe not that much, but you never know with febble minds who work hard, think they're intelligent, got their shit together, but are still frustrated, what is it that others have that they don't? Let's spy, let's copy... understanding then applying the understanding? That's harder. The economic system exists to create unfairness at a massive scale, but the well adapted selection is blinded and displace its frustrations to the most innocents or weak or small people instead of giving it back to the source which they wouldn't dare attack, just complain in admiration. And don't laugh at me with your stupid opinion pools form the selection that listens to you, and the manipulative form of your questions. I'll be less revolted when you'll invest as much of your money helping people not profiting your system as you do for saving your "loved" criminals, for a start.

Yet, having invented myself a vision of how the mind works, I could justify the attitude and possibly pardon knowing that there come from somewhere that will to still do good, since there is a will to preserve image. But where does it come from? From creating consciousness, and you create consciousness from will, even if it is vastly stolen. That's how it works, even if they will tell the contrary in opinion polls and to statisticians, it's just an unconscious old thing that will take thousands years of consciousness efforts, with absolutely true encouragement by the reality to change; it is just like racism. It is encouraged and the PMBBD go toward that end, even if the official façade is against it; when you think about it, the racism elimination goal of this reality is a joke and it will never stop because of the competition mentality that is totally against the pseudo-goal of stopping racism. For most governments, races, like nationalism, are a tool to power. In fact you could say that multiculturalism mostly conflicts with nationalism, so when some big leader want to have his name imprinted in history books forever, he'll sing nationalism for sure, all the while not really understanding the most important concept of what forms a nation; the differences forming a culture that must be protected, which includes racial traits. That's why they'll sing multiculturalism at the first opportunity, to reap in the benefits of another facet of society. That's how brain rotten current governments are, and the reason is that they don't really care, all what's important to them is power, money, admiration, and their face on television. But they do have a goal, often a racist one, like federal governments that opened the door to everybody, calling them Quebeckers after a few months, to destroy (influencing?) the will for Quebeckers to have a place of their own. So they are multiculturalists out of racist reasons, how's that for some twisted racism? Me? I want a place for people like me, where my differences are protected, mixed but not diluted, it doesn't need to be big, just a few medium cities and villages (big cities are meant to mix people in my opinion). But that is for one specific situation; the need for protection of differences (the reason countries should exist, and the reason big countries should not exist, but I have a far better vision of the whole thing in the "Life Reality" chapter (book), where racial differences are created instead of diluted, where they are protected with a fair place to express their will to develop or act differently, where they can mix and move, thus ending all the bad of racism ("races" thus became "cultural races" to me, and that's the best I can do, so to hell with those who will see it as racism because there is the word "race" in it, like if you pronounce the word it is a sign of incoming evil...), all the while eliminating the countries concept to free the earth and life and let people walk or travel where they want, and you better read it before calling me a racist, I'll make your education on the subject, don't demonize me too fast because of the bullshit in your brain).

Evidently there are people who hate some races, or who are because they see everything as superiority-inferiority, but a big part of this "racism" problem is personal-educational I say, or if it is a natural phenomenon? Like the farther, or the more visually different, then the more distrust mixed with fear you are under, but I picture a retard here...Anyway, psys should know about that shouldn't they?

The truth of me is that I'm racist on the spot; English Canadians are at war with my type (always been) so I don't like them, and I'm developing a problem with blacks too because their behavior often pisses me off. But I still prefer to judge people individually, so I'll shake the hand and respect any English Canadian, as long as he doesn't start pissing me off. The demonization of racial differences (racism) by TV manipulators in the name of profits is kind of depressing to me since if people can't go over this simple obstacle individually (you don't have to "love" other races, but you have to treat them justly), it probably means it is too late to hope for the dramatic changes needed in their whole philosophy of life and actions in reality to steer the ship in the iceberg vastness ahead. I fear that my way of thinking and describing things cannot be acceptable or seriously considered for a majority of people that are still in a competition of races that never had a single good reason to exist from the beginning; except to divide and compete to let the most ego reign.

But I should know all this shouldn't I? Even if you live the worst crappy life all along you'll find people jealous of any qualities you develop. My view is that every "race" has strengths and weaknesses, so for me, most arguments toward racism are retarded. I could be racist for the fun of it so much it's a joke, but I try to be careful, some people are very fragile minded or not bright or not discerning...But it is true that since we never systemized the earth for fairness, then racism must be seen as a bad thing, forever intrinsic to the Democracy-Capitalism business, or the ego competition. I should add that I'm such a racist that I'd want Inuits to have as much importance as my own race, and they will! A reserve is among the most evil thing you can do to a "cultural race" (race), and don't think they'll ever be a country in this reality, never, they'll stay a reserve until they destroy themselves, yeah! I could easily develop racism against all race-language combo that is unfairly numerous, or that takes an unfair land mass, like English whites... As for racism in the definition serving ego reality; racist people get my hate, and this can be a whole country if its mass reaching devices or laws hypocritically act racist, exactly like Canada is doing with Quebeckers.

But this reality is a mess of racism from the profiting competition, and I can imagine our reaction to meeting another type of beings a lot more different than our human friends, with a different (evidently inferior) system; guaranteed that if they look at our country competition, racist and fearful attitude, they'll never add to our hell by setting foot on our planet! Or communicating with us for that matter...But enough of that, I'll talk a little about books now.

I don't read much, I like science fiction but you have to look to find this here as books since I don't have internet and I'm in a French place and the few French science fiction books that exist are too old or not my style. I don't know why Quebeckers don't do more science fiction literature, probably too much pressure from quantity, not enough Quebeckers to compete with the mass of English people at producing creativity, not the same quantity of means too, and the market is very limited. These are some of the most evil facets of unfair country competition, apart from contorting cultural differences (often for a deal), leading some traits to extinction. Now, like some music, we could continue or remake some old books, why not? Only the bible has that right? There is older SF that could be made better for the present while always keeping the history of it, like we're so found of doing with vampire movies, hybridizing them at all "sauces". I'm not strong on nostalgia, old stuff is past, not pretty to look at, most of the time, to me, keep the truth of it and evolve. Our history is far from impressing me and I'm not proud of it either, I would be better tempted to say I'm ashamed to be human, I want to be something else than this history. But that doesn't stop me from being impressed by the structures and entertainment people have built even if most of it has been built to show-off godly egos, or protect them in luxury...

My selectiveness leads me to pass hours rummaging through used books without much success; no poesy in there please, a lots of science fiction writers devaluate their work with bits of poesy thrown in everywhere, like they think they're great artists with poesy as the final step to godhood of writing. A bit like humorists, they complicate a simple sentence or meaning and hide it under a bizarre set of simple sentences with some associated meanings, so after spending some time and energy understanding it, the girl can say; oh Wow! Such wisdom! Because she finally catches the meaning... I believe science fiction can be one of the best forms of poesy of humanity itself; make your stories more poetic but skip the poesy please, or wisdom tentatives. I tend to skip those books, not because I think it's womanly, but because I believe the author write them to make money from any "wave" that passes, they don't seem to like their stories themselves, and me the book I choose are better be good or I simply won't read anymore. There is good poesy though, I've "stumbled" into some that profoundly touched me and yes, it was written by women, which led me to believe they can write better poesy than men.

Many would be better if they dropped the stupid attitude of trying to satisfy as many sexual views as possible too, religious people have their candy, married couples have most difficulties, (most often than not one or the other dies, they do that in movies too, it's like they want to make a culture out of it), you want travesties? Homosexuals? Sex machines? Fuck all free for all? Science fiction got it all, and the rest of libertine people got their classic orgy, or better; a "civilization" orgy when possible. I don't know how perverse those writers are, but it should be quite ugly, and their vision for the future of sexuality and love squarely invalidate the notion of futuristic advanced civilizations, maybe they shouldn't try so much to write about sex in their books.

I don't like long suites either, the harlequins of science fiction, I'm not a pig full of dollars or a collector to whom you feed part of a story every month, and then have to wait for the suite which never comes to an end. I like suites of 3-5 thick books, that's what it takes to tell a truly good story, more than that is overkill. There are quite a few stories that are worth such a suite, like chasm city and eon among others. I don't like the king and emperor stuff, like dune, eark (vomiting on my keyboard)! I already have a king of old in my imagination and he's totally good, I make him taste things I cook, listen to music, see impressive things etc, he make me like and appreciate things more. I've got women in there too, slow, sensuous, loving women with different personalities. I even have children with whom I play or dismantle things and to whom I answer any questions. Now, don't try to invent me a mental disorder; they are imaginative good people to increase my appreciation of life, and you know I need it. I even teleport to antiquity before watching a movie, to look at it through fresh eyes that don't know the crap behind, what can I say, consciousness of this reality is a pain to me...

I like to buy books with godly or religious emphasizes, if they're cheap (like dune) I burn them! No no, I'm not that bad, even if I did with some bibles when I was younger, sacrilege! I prefer to crack the ugly things in the middle for my cat, they don't last long and they find a truly good use. So don't think I'm gone nuts if you see me with a religious book someday, it's not me, I don't read this, it's for my cat. One thing's for sure, I don't sell back books I don't like; they die when they meet me, particularly if I'm frustrated to have wasted money, not that it happens often, since I don't buy books from reading the back page that is always full of opinions of how extraordinary they are, opinions often given by publicists and media manipulators. Like dune which is the worst citrus I have ever read, I it was supposed to be one of the best SF I could read, a friend praised it, I could not miss it, so I did, with the result that I will sure have a harder time listening to the reading opinion of people, or music, particularly if they like dune. Religious people could like it though. I'd say if you want to find the direction to the hospice, read it (exaggerating), that's what religions and sects want to do of this world isn't it? A hospice! Anyway, I'm sure the bible is less boring than this religious poetic king of the desert epopee with a good idea; the classic godly ego idea of the great savior riding a savage horse to meet the princess, except the author traded the horse for a big worm that spit an hallucinogenic aphrodisiac, LSD, something like that, probably written by hippies. The story is too limited to make any sense, it is fantasy mixed half n half with religious stuff and bad pseudo poesy on a gothic-tech-magic planet, nothing to do with science fiction, it is time someone pisses some gas on this.

I may be exaggerating, but I do believe that a big amount of literature forced into the brains of young people should be discarded, but this reality won't provide the best learning system, only the ideal for itself. Sometimes I'm almost happy to have no much of an education; I skipped the filling and dirtying of my mind with a lot of garbage... I've been pushed by people who know my tastes better than me into buying Stephen king books too, and got as a gift the only philosophical book I have ever tried, Dianetics, because I make a paranoia about words meaning it seems; I just don't understand how is it possible that I should like this crap, I read a few pages and I was almost good for the hospice, direct no pass go, full rewind mental catastrophy!

I'm exaggerating again, but I retained that there is some good in any book, like the bible too. Is it important and logic to understand a word you read? Yes it is, only a stupid can say the contrary, as for principles twisting, I base my opinion from how I think a mind and life works, but more on that later. As for disliking psy, it got a lot to do with exactly such books, and negative words tagging I received and from my opinion of how the mind versus reality works too. But even with some good phrases, that book had all the necessary elements of PMBBD to get me loading ammo, so I didn't read much of it, and I hope I will never again receive such gifts. Anyway, if I start to read every philosophical book, which I'll evidently all ridicule and burn because I won't like them, then I should not write and that's all since everything have been profited from by the peace and love wave after effect. Finally, those guys got their opinion, I got mine, if some coincide then too bad, whatever I'm unhappy about it, some could coincide with the bible he too. And this coincidence thing can be quite a hassle, the ego-gods ideology perverted the signification of gods and hid the throne of life, and me I definitively didn't see god as an entity at the beginning of my quest, I was more of an atheism mindset in a universal machine I could say, all the while making a fixation on ego people and manipulators, so anything god was automatic bullshit; "Only through belief can we recognize that everything have been made by god". WTF?? Who invented such practical bullshit? so it is impossible for someone that is not a believer to see the truth? And if I become a believer I'll start recognizing gods in everything? That's nuts! But eventually my developing spirituality would coincide with the notion quite well, it's just that I have a complicated view of gods, or the throne of the supreme entity was usurped and I'd have to bring it back to the UI. So to me I went from nothing to believing in 3 super entities Gods, life systems, and the UI, that's a lot of believing to go through for an atheist that don't like religions, and there's a fourth one, call it the ascended, and this one kicks ass!...ahem...not that gods don't kick asses...and life too, and the UI, well, the UI, you really don't want your ass kicked by that one, the galaxy could die in the collateral...But I still don't see gods in everything visual style, I see it more like in the coincidental perfection of everything.

As for Stephen king, it's not because the name of the writer has a "king" in it that publicists should give him the reputation of the king, since I wasted my money as I could not read the boring thing without thinking about something else all along. Next, I don't like a 50 pages story lost in a 600 pages description of furnishing, dressings, political meetings and headaches wrapped in a show of complex sentences for language purists. I don't want to know how to make the movie or how to make a theater play; I want a show of imaginative creativity with big machines, strange things, exceptional good and bad or twisted people and aliens and their ways, far travels, complex or surprising battles and disgusting monsters. And I don't want realism; I want fiction based on possible things even if they're incredibly far-fetched. Besides, I don't care if there are a few things that don't make sense as long as they make the story better. Furthermore, I appreciate the book now, not in 20 years. With the internet you can lower the price or reading to almost nothing, lack of money for such a good thing is very negative and creates all kind of limitations too, profiteers and competition greatly limit the development of humanity, even if profiteers will say otherwise with their experts that can convince you with a tie or charts or numbers...And I know any other way wouldn't work in the Democracy-Capitalism business, but I refuse to shut-up and die by the condemnations and limitations most people have chosen to defend until the end.

That's the kind of books I like, any other fails to get my attention; I can too easily guess the story, or I end up sleeping at the wheel, or I realize I've just been reading 2 pages while thinking of something else, which I forget as soon as I realize it because I'm supposed to pay attention to the boring excellent book. Apart from chasm city and eon, I found a book of the evergence trilogy and I was impressed by it, the same for the 2 books I found from the gap suite (gap into madness and gap into vision). They are the best stories I have ever read; I admire this kind of work.

A long time ago I worked on a science fiction story myself, about 200 pages of very badly and quickly written text on paper. It was quite an extraordinary story of a civilization of "gods" burying challenges of life under kilometers of dirt when their attitude was sure to end their civilization. Then they let everybody die, or help them die, then find the biggest holes and dump, with remote giant bulldozers, all civilization in them. Then they create cataclysms of all kind, like meteor showers and giant volcanoes to make a multi kilometers pile of dirt all over the planet. Then they implant life all over again, it takes 100000 years but they got 2 planets so they have a safe one.

They always fail because they're a hierarchy thing with superior and inferiors and forever take the means to be. So when life grows back, they go there with their superior attitude and unconsciously act like they laugh at life, like they think they invented it, and so they fail all over again because life rejects them. But at some point, humans are passing by who will discover the truth before the next "big restart", helping the sexless population who unconsciously knew the truth from discovering hints, like a male discovering a porno magazine, as an example, by "stumbling" and exploring secretly a new crevasse that led to the sewer system of an old city buried under kilometers of dirt, males who can't have an erection, destroyed by science and pressures while women don't have a sex anymore, only science reproduce the race in laboratories.

Humans arrive in a false vessel passing for a meteor that will crash on their failing world, right on time to contribute to the destruction, but the exploiters will discover the joke when the meteor will slow down. Then it will be war, while on the other planet, people there will start discovering the truth of their history, and it will take the form of a cataclysm which will lead a group to follow a great leader who got an erection. They'll do it by exploring a cave on a new planet, a place they ended-up condemned in from escaping their superiors, but the cave is a puzzle complex made by unknown giant always going lower in the bowels of the planet. All along they'll invent themselves a philosophy, learn humor, give themselves names, discover friendship, love, and finally life forces.

Anyway, it is based on different crazy "possible" extrapolations of ego, consciousness and control of ego, but you wouldn't find the bad "moralist" stuff some like to tag what don't pleases them with... It's truly a science-fiction story, complete in its globality of facets, with heroes and baddies and all. It would go hand in hand with this book though, but I'm having too much of a hard time judging if I'm writing well, I feel I'm doing it right most of the time (90% for a feeling) but I don't know. I have some problem with words terminations, my "ed" and "ate" and things like that are often not accepted by my word processor. I write "to multiplicate before writing "to multiply", then I grow a second brain trying to find the past of it until I discover that the "y" is replaced by a "I" giving "multiplied"... But I think I eventually got the trick by trying the different possibilities, even if I sometimes can't find a compromise. I pass a lot of time reading my sentences to seek such twists like the preceding "a lot" which I sure should replace by "lots"...).

So for this science fiction book, I stopped at setting the basis of it, I'll see later if I can attain this little goal, if not, then I could give my story to some good writer, one that can understand and use my ideas in their global sense, seeing farther and deeper than most that would just see, in the story, some interesting ideas that could sell, or have a chance to make a movie with a super hero, then forget the rest. I've got another book to write beforehand anyways, better but different, and this one got to do with the result of failing to fulfill my "destiny", a really special story...But this one will be in French, Quebeckers have everything to write good science fiction, it's just that learning institutions willfully ignore this potential and make a paranoia about writing perfectly, like they want to transform our language to something like France French which is totally not the way of Quebeckers. There are 3 ways of language that I don't like much, gay (when they talk like hissing ego inflated serpents), France French and UK English (they both think they talk sexy, I think they talk a little too self-important...So it all comes down to my aversion for ego people, those who sound like they're better than others, and maybe these transformation of languages are the result of an ego emphasized reality, and given time more languages will start to sound like that. Quebecker French sounds very good to me, in all its dirtiness, I like it, and stupid learning institutions should work from it instead of trying to transform it to a manipulative language (it doesn't mean to emphasis the dirty part). I would say it goes well with U.S. English too.

For movies, I have trouble with the time standards; many movies would have been far better if longer is my opinion, the same for a panoply that are so empty the worthwhile content could fit 15 minutes, when was the last time you watched a movie that lasted 15 minutes? I know I'm just complaining, it's not important, but standards are far from always necessary or good, particularly in entertainment creativity spheres; they can limit a lot of things and most are relative. 2 hours for a good movie is not superflu, and theaters can take a 20 minutes pause; if you like the movie you'll come back your eyes resettled, already with a developing opinion, and with more anticipation than if you just watched it in one shot. It's just that publicists profit from that on television, and theaters are not meant for it, they are meant to profit from people. Next, I don't like the emphasis on making movies with live known actors who cost 10 times more than with less known ones not "passed over by the train of their godhood fame", if only it was a real train once in a while...Other movies would be better with purely imaginative characters with almost reality like computer art.

I say that the farthest you pass the threshold of reality, the more your choice should go for pure art, I like it as realist as possible without live actors (like final fantasy one, the life essence thing (I don't remember the name)). I read a few books worth a good movie with such art, but you'll answer they won't sell as much and I'll answer that you created the problem with PMBBD; most people won't appreciate change or difference when they've been appreciating the same thing, or pressured to do, all their life. That's one of the reasons why brainwash is so strong and change so difficult; you have to put the train on the new track and wait a long time (more on that later). Extrapolate this to the whole reality that exists from the beginning of time, think of all the PMBBD associated to it, think of the strength of will needed to change this and the reality with it, now that it's at its best with its billions of people to keep it like it is and defend it and "love" it. You understand how futile it is...

I liked final fantasy one, excellent mentality, excellent art, the title is totally wrong though, nothing to do with a "final fantasy". Maybe a life fantasy, or life's final fantasy? Because you really missed the boat in the sequels...Even if I'm a little too old for it now, it's one of the great work of art of this industry; a living painting of good imagination where you actually forget it is 100% digital cinematic, and what makes it better is that the movie has the best spiritual value I have ever seen. Strange it ended up as purely digital cinematic, but yes life has affinities to such data crunching capabilities of computers, just fantastically more powerful and working from different laws, principles and limitations at all levels, from fundamental matter to human beings, everything is about life and everything is communicated data.

I believe there is a dimension to life systems we have no idea about because it's made of different laws, time and distances disproportions, like lava flowing within a planet or particles going from one place to another. What if everything is interrelated in a solar system? Like the solar system is a living entity and we are unable to see it or understand it because we're too small or limited? Or not evolved enough? I see life systems as the result of a form of intelligence, not like a visual thing, but as an information systematization, as a whole, where we are its greatest sense and its tool to transform matter to useable energy to reach its goals. The information systematization is provided by the laws of the universe itself, the UI, life is imprisoned by these laws, but through particle interactions it is able to devise goals as functions, and efficiency toward attaining those goals can be given a value as ultimate importance toward attaining the ultimate goal of life. This is very basic, but if life is able to put pressure and do actions to influence output, then I definitively accept the possibility of a solar system as a form of intelligence too. And since it is only limited by large universe laws, then its powers can be incredible, totally dwelling in spirituality when you look at such results as a human. If a result of matter interactions (information interaction) can be a human, then life can do anything we imagine possible from matter interactions, and this is enough to blow the mind of any cultist. Really, just think about it, there could be a conscious decision about anything going on in the solar system, all directly related to our actions. You think a "natural" phenomenon is just happening because of this or that? Maybe not, it could all be part of a big plan to manipulate your actions. Anything, don't think dinosaurs were not involved, the sun itself could change to help us or push us to different actions. I'm not saying I'm in the final truth, but I definitively say there are possibilities, and such possibilities must have a way to stay open, thus leading to terms like theorizing or spirituality, but someday we'll know.

With that in mind you have a hint of where my book (s) is headed, and why I have that big a problem with the ego-gods association. Following my view of life, it would push life to extinction, including us, one way or the other, as late as it can but still, in a fast kind of way, the bull mentality, the Wall Street mentality, the go for it! So I'll hit the nail of the ego-gods ideology and its insanities regularly, I'll attack it with anything I can because I believe it is not too late to save things. As for life, I'll go as far as I'm permitted by a spirituality of possibilities without conflicting truth, and so I won't be 100% right in everything I believe about it, but either we start seeing life with the universe as more important or we're dead.

The difficult part is that changing to a different ideology necessarily means completely changing everything, a new reality, different values to human actions, different way of deciding, everything is different at a most fundamental level. And don't think those different ways have been presently invented, they don't exist because nobody ever followed a different way of thinking as an unconscious logic of reality.

Probably some old civilization had notions, like the Mayans, but they messed up out of necessity, Mayan writing got itself a nice schizophrenic touch to it, what if they selected skizo oriented people as leaders and thinkers? While eating hallucinogenic mushrooms for a add-on? And under mass encouragement from their selected workers, who developed their intelligence around the protection and reinforcement of the philosophy conflicting and scratching the deal with life. That would explain the bloodbath trip in the name of evil, and this monumental triangular error, a curse for eternity...

Now, your talking would probably means nothing to such a form of intelligence, only emotive (sense) images may mean something to it, if they don't impede logical laws of mind development... Still, just developing the ability to talk, and its related mind transformation procedures, may be the hardest thing life ever did. It may want another form of communication to exist too, as a very hard far away goal, permitting the whole connection to exist between all entities, but I don't believe we'll ever have a direct language with this form of intelligence, it's too big and mechanical action reaction, that's why I prefer to deal with "life systems" because they are the gears that can get life's messages across through action-reaction, pressures and failures, which have the advantage of experience, but more on that later. As for Final fantasy, only the first was good, the supposed suite is unbelievably bad and have nothing to do with the first one.

Now, don't think I'm a connoisseur of movies as everybody is and should be, you're very far from the truth; I watch some when I see family, along with watching what's going on television too (that changed when I got the internet to publish). I won't say there is only bad stuff on television, there are absolutely fantastic reporters that I admire every time I see them, all kind of good programs, there are jewels, but there is too much PMBBD, in the news, soaps, and pub particularly. The wipeout kind of shows is good and the perfect use for competition, there is good cooking too, unless they try to make a selection of ass lickers working to create the most expensive 1000 calories ever...and learning, and science and health, history, nascar and all. There are good soaps too, but a lot are incredibly bad ones full of bullshit psychology. Most talk shows are horror, newsmen and their manipulations, political bullshit production, nationalism invasion, unfairness systematization! please! Women's ass emancipation!

I like to see sexy women, everywhere, it's just the exaggerated pub associations emphasis to develop a general mentality, and the effect in reality is working and evident. Good humor emphasis would be a plus with pub, make me laugh in sense instead of trying your failed in advance tentative at PMBBD. Still, I'm not talking about my resistance to spend more than a few hours a week watching the thing, as more would probably have a negative effect on others important facets of my life (it is better to think than to watch a soap; you can pass your whole life watching soaps). Love associated to anything like a brainwash sauce is not strong, but it can't be worse than the number of "Putain de merde" in French movies; I never understood what was so cool about this ridiculous association of words (literally traduced as "whore of shit"; imagine what such thing must look like!). I don't understand why this stupidity became acceptable enough to become the most widely used expression in French (France, not Quebec) movies; this is far worse than any swearing, and they totally lack imagination on the matter since they often use it 20 times in a movies like it is a normal expression while we never use this expression! I never, ever, heard someone say it and I live in a French place! Nobody here likes it, so what's the problem? I can enumerate 20 swears that are far better than this! It upsets me enough that it scraps those movies so stop it! And I'm not suffering from a mental problem; the more your consciousness is developed the more you notice details like twisted words and principles.

I like watching most movies, but a lot are absolute citrus too, whatever the television industry says; boring on the verge of depression with a few interesting minutes thrown in... I don't like to waste my time watching bad movies, or the zoomed face of an actor that worked a month to piss an emotion, then pass a year in pub shows to create hype describing how he really felt like the actor should in the wonderful movie... And what is this zoomed face mania? Are people blind? If out of 5 minutes there is more than half with a big zoomed face I'm out! Too much PMBBD, which the case for a lot of this fabulously expensive industrial production of entertainment, with a big part trying real hard and evidently to stuff twisted mentalities in my head. Next you'll hear experts critics suggesting what we should watch based on their opinion, surely not mine or yours...The strange thing is that I mostly don't like the movies praised by critics while I like the movies they say are bad, so what is it? Who are those guys? What kind of a critic are you when the movie you say is bad end-up a great success in the box office? And that happens often! The same situation applies to politicians, tons of politic experts try to manipulate public opinion toward their view; is that expertise? And the same will apply to my book (s) too, all those book experts, literary agents and the likes, dumping my work because it is immediately evident that I don't write what they passed their life liking, who are those guys? Then they'll complain that they have nothing special or the book market is on the decline. I'd need to become popular in advance to get those supposedly experts to suddenly like it! And for that I would need publicity, and I ain't got money for it. But yes it would be good to have an experts like my work since the selection ain't got an independent opinion; they read the style or author praised... But I'm complaining for nothing since I want my book as digitally available to anybody, so probably no publisher will ever want to publish me even if a digital copy costs them nothing... That's how it works in the Democracy-Capitalism business, at least it is somewhat soothing to know nobody will ever profit from my work, and it fits with my view of things...

Still, I don't watch that many movies since I don't want to watch them alone or on a television for the poor, therefore I do the same I do with my controlled ego; I postpone until the situation is worth it. I don't like doing interesting things cheaply, in the sense of why watching a rare good or impressive movie on a bad quality television alone? For me it's not worth watching, I prefer to wait indefinitely until the situation will give its true potential to the movie, so I'm stashing pleasure, in a sense...

Another reason I limit my movies intake is that I don't want to watch most movies for appreciation more than a few times; movies are not much better than television in general as PMBBD carrying devices. If you want a proof of that, just look at the number of movies containing subtle Christianity associations. Drinking alcohol and shaking boobs and butts is quite a widespread feature too. So don't tell me there is no encouragement to these things, it's a continual pressure and emphasis, and a bad mix of PMBBD for it; seeing half nude women and drinking alcohol is probably the most important cumulated feature of movies, like producers learn at school that a good movie without the it can't exist. And, as if there is not enough in movies, as soon as you got a break, they pass pubs with more alcohol and women craving for sex associations. I don't say to eliminate it and live in purity, I say too much is too much, we all know it is very important to drink alcohol for humans, we'd revolt if we didn't, we all know women carry the prettiest body, we all know it is very important for our mental health to finish a good social day stuffed in a bar with alcohol and dancing women, we all need this, we're all like that and if we're not, then we're sick in the head or between the legs and not worth it; do you need to push it so much in movies? This is a spread generalization to infest society, to make it a culture thing, to say the human is like that, it is autosuggestion in its worst form.

And I don't say to eliminate bars where we can look at nude people doing things while drinking alcohol to accompany socialization, it would be no better, dance bars, I want all options, I can even appreciate it, but I want bars where there is no alcohol too, where things work differently. I'm even revolted that governments interdicted smoking in bars; what I'm talking about is pressure, publicity, trying to make it a cultural trait.

If a media can't stop manipulating and pressuring people, then it needs to be reset, the learning institutions developing people for it reworked with personnel having a different attitude and view, all actors disbanded, all the manipulation machine behind reworked too, with good consciousness and principles, without seeking to manipulate the liberties of people. And I repeat that I'm not against movies for what they are, or pornography, it is the PMBBD pressure I'm against, and when it's generalized and systemized, then it can't change and the only solution is to replace its rotten brains with different or better minds and principles, and that's minimal since you're still stuck with a thousand year momentum in masses which will forever cry they don't have their brainwash. That's valid for all the industries that are dependent from imposed publicity too.

And I repeat that I'm not against drinking, I know how manipulators are, if they don't like an opinion they'll twist everything to protect their invested ego. I like independent people, you can drink to death if you want, I won't stop you, what I'm against is imposed publicity from birth to encourage it, generalization, particularly stuffing the mind of young people with stupidities or sexual acts that have nothing to do with developing a sane sexuality. However, it is hard to judge such things, so I say choose; either you have it in movies or you have it in publicity. Cigarette is not publicized anymore, there is far less smokers, so I don't care to see some smokers in movies because it is not a pressure, there is no publicity, no PMBBD about it, do the same with alcohol and sex associations, it would satisfy me, stop the pressure, the brainwash.

That's why I don't watch most comedy movies, they are in a vast majority stupid sex related to satisfy the mass of sexually frustrated people who wouldn't find a better use for sex than laughing about it...Then there are those ego people who fucked so much that they feel the need to banalize sexuality for the rest of the world, the media industry is full of such people, and they're the ones most directly deciding human attitudes. Next, you have all those westerns where they portray all cute women as prostitutes, like it's the way things were at the time, but this is all manipulative bullshit to glorify prostitution, watching all those movies you got to wonder if the most precious and protected women are prostitutes (escorts)...
Then there's the zooming in the face, waiting for the emotion to materialize, or the useless exaggerated shaking of the camera to simulate live footage, the latter of which scraps a movie right from the beginning, but there are so many cheap crap movies today that the money laundering business behind must be fantastically big, most of the money probably going to rich prostitution (escorting) and related pornography...

I don't know why they do this big zoom thing, that's as invading as waking-up with a guy in your bed (I would think...), maybe it's effective at making people wet over superstars and politicians, I don't know, but I'm sure not an amateur of big prolonged faces, it decreases my appreciation of all medias, anyway, if it's not the intolerable big face it's the open mouth of women like they're having sex as they remove bullets from their heart and lungs...(The idea should close a few mouth, at least temporary, while absorbing the stupidity of the association, but it's almost that ridiculous, and no, it doesn't work any better at getting my erection over the would be superstar, for me I mean, I'm too ashamed of humanity when I see that, me and my imaginative friends ...)

Even the eye contact emphasis pisses me off, which I see as highly related to an ego competition reality, or ego comparison, which is a quintuple problem for someone like me. For one I don't care, your eyes are as interesting as your feet (a little more frankly...), second I find it intruding if too close, arm's length is my bubble, my girlfriend in there, don't force my eyes to yours unless you like playing with fire, or maybe I'll think you're a homosexual! Beyond that no problem, unless you're so boring in your songs that I'll start reciting my ancestral knowledge...Third I like to seize expressions and twitches, and your mouth expresses a lot more of that than your eyes to me, particularly if you're an amateur of cocaine. Fourth I'm an imagination kind of guy, I image things and visualize and describe with my hands and that's where I look, and finally I have a problem with the authority style of this reality, I mostly listen to authority with my ears while closing my eyes or bowing my head, to better comprehend, it works twice better, and yes I do accept situational authority (authority in the sense of giving orders), many jobs requires it, I can be a robot in efficiency at that, but that would amount to 25% of current authority level, the rest should not exist. We should always seek to minimize it anyways, and I don't think that's the way to deal with intelligence, let's see how that works with extraterrestrials, maybe they'll have super body language, or 400 fps eyes...but yes it does have its use with less intellectually gifted people too, as long as they minimally understand their situation, but then those people should be under more specialized care. Personally, I think I'm like 70% of the pure (wild) stuff which I see as the capacity to judge, form, visualize, transform, and extrapolate useful data, principles and mental abstractions to expand possibilities in their best manner, the specialty of having no specialty, the capacity to understand without learning (much). But that's a bit time consuming, and lots of procrastinating is involved too... I could have a little paradise in this hell you know, but authority decided it would go otherwise for me...Presently I'm sure I can be surpassed easily by someone putting its life to it, I'm just lazy to compensate for the reality of my life vs the jackpot I'm in, if I could say, I definitively don't have an attention deficit disorder, or you don't care so I shouldn't care but I have to so fuck you is better? I'm so deep in it and you're so out of it that I shouldn't give a shit is more like it? Anyway, if you want to never see me again just try to force my sight to yours, it'll work wonders. Girl wanting me are the exception, which excludes guys. In fact, the current moronic bullshit about (sustained) eyes contact is a handicap to evolution and a shame to the human race, particularly if you are a psy. Anybody judging me from it is wrong about me, anybody forcing me to it is a person I shouldn't deal with, I'll look at your whole fucking face, then I'll look in my mind, then I'll look to get rid of your insistence!

Then there's all the historical PMBBD, were the effort to manipulate the story toward the nationality of the movie house is so flagrant that they totally lose any credibility immediately. This is particularly true for English movies, so much for the UK and Canada that I don't watch any movies coming from these places, too much lying and twisting of history and facts for the purpose of mass disinformation (or reformulation of history). Now, that's less of a problem with American movies, and they're less cheap, that's why I still watch their movies, but their super hero line of mentality is not for me, super cool, super effects, funny, but there is too much retarded PMBBD. And actors have no brains, you give them a scenario and they'll jump on it immediately if the money is good or if the effects are good, or if the popularity gain is good, it's not their fault, how to blame them? You can't, they all have a facade cause to spend money on when their image needs a face lift, ah, I know, ego innocence! Costly enough in good versus evil to be worth a quick death for actors and their clique, slow death to those who elaborated the complex manipulative PMBBD. I'm tired of assholes manipulators robbing me (life) of enjoyable and fundamentally good for the mind entertainment (obtained by a minimizing of the use of manipulative bullshit, which bring strictly nothing positive to the movie, I'm not talking about fantastic imagination).

Then there is the PMBBD meant to adapt people to reality, to embark them in the ego-gods ideology, since religions related movies don't work on everybody, and parents who are back to atheism don't want to dirty the mind of their kids with it. What they fail to understand is that religions are just a tool among many, and so they plant their kids in front of cute animation that twist all good principles and carries bullshit in a far worse manner than any religion, hypocritically, and even when those parents notice the weird associations, they don't care or they unconsciously discard it as paranoia, or as a responsibility of media people, which it should be, in part, but who am I to complain? If you want system people like yourself, then go ahead and discard one of your biggest responsibility toward your kid by selecting the 10+ category of brainwash...That should save you a lot of time too, while keeping your mind retarded I should add...

It's like the smurfes, everybody loves them so they'll make a good example, just to show how differently they can be seen by someone "who cares". I never did like those little assholes, and the immediate reason is that there is only one girl for the whole village. I have this problem with ants too, everybody loves them, but not me...The same for Egyptians of old, everybody love them, but not me, I guess my problem is with ants societies...You think the question won't pass through the mind of children? Think again! It crossed mine at the first opportunity, but people don't really care about such things, a detail beside the level of porn insanities on the internet, a coincidence, no manipulative intents, it's just cartoons for children, not important, so the best someone can do about it is having a good laugh. Yet this is not much better than vampire movies, maybe it's an unconscious message; ants living over-ground, where women find control in reproduction from the push of the reality...

Smurfs were probably made as an unconscious encouragement for women to compete men in the ego reality, and there was that evil scientist business I never really understood, and always a big mountain to climb... A long way and many obstacles for the smurf mentality to thrive! Probably it was the red pappy that gave birth to the whole civilization, and next is smurfette getting fucked by of the whole gang? And after? Ah, either a red smurf leader or a smurfett blondinette, depend on what the ant Queen wants...If not, the smurf civilization dies and the evil scientist with its evil cat wins, excellent! (One thing's for sure, the creator hated cats...) That's wasted creativity, these little creatures were cool and the good spirit was scrapped by "not caring" about unconscious effects; a cartoon for profit, and to spread PMBBD. Made for the age pool where sexuality and love principles can start to take form. The mind memorizes those associations whatever the children don't think about them, what do you think your kid do when he's daydreaming open mouthed in front of the television? It's the same for many twisted Walt- Disney movies, you think young people don't catch the twisted under-meanings? I'm sure kids at school laugh and bully each other about under-meanings in twisted movies, while stupid adults search for sexism, as they accept, tolerate and adapt to it because it's all over the place. You think sex on the internet doesn't affect the growth of human beings? Images imprint memory very easily, and later it will be the ground of all kind of twisted pressures, and old memories unconscious influences, and you'll call him an excited ado on testosterone overdrive, or you'll catch his lack of attention a lot younger and stuff him with Ritalin to change the chemistry of his sick mind so he better adapt. And I know experts will say it's proven that everything sexual is genetic, that reality influences nothing about it (only them), that we can stuff kids with any unconscious suggestion, but that's total bullshit, and I'll talk more about that in the "Love Entanglement" chapter (book)

Even a baby learns from watching television, whatever he consciously has no notion of what's going on. It's like dreaming, you know humans are humans in your dream, you can't dream consciously but you understand consciously your dreams to some extent, the same for our unconscious versus reality; don't think the unconscious mind of a baby don't know what is a human, even if 99% of his active brain has no idea. Meaning that it is the life connection and systems that responds to things in a baby, more or less. The mind develops from what? From some initial intelligence development formulae that seeks as a priority the creation of a mind that can work both with the body and with the reality, but the goal is not to adapt to reality then do nothing, the goal is to judge reality and make it better. The worst thing you can do is to fill young minds with twisted principles and visions, make him believe there is nothing to change, that it is the way of things, that it is the best system, that what he sees is sane attitudes or sexuality, or that the cartoon was made by adults that made sense and they should enjoy it and not question it because it is good and colorful and listen to my authority (or manipulations). Another thing not to forget is that the greatest potential for change is in younger people, it is a part of growing normally, and if the only potential for change in the reality is at the sex or fun or artistry level, then the energy will flow there until all kind of insanities have become acceptable, even publicized, until scientists discover that evolved or modern humans are like this and like that. Pressure selection can take many forms. It is evident that colors and funny forms attract children, so it is easy for many people to use this to their own ends, even Walt Disney is an example of how not to be an example. As for the smurfs, there was a far better story that should have been the publicized one instead of the smurfs; the scameustache, they were spacer smurfs, and it was real good if I remember well.

Maybe we should watch the sexual habits or the IQ of the people who decide such things (strange nobody asked my opinion, ah, the sex attitudes of people must be ignored media people will say, it doesn't affect mentalities or can't influence reality...) Never enough women to help when dealing with children, but maybe women in this reality are becoming too sexually "open", with appearance and vogue magazines as their fundamental image path (And what is under the image?), and men are no better so someday the feminist will be happy; all kind of abnormal or twisted or weird or sick, (sorry scratch all that: "divergent" is the word they invented to manipulate to more acceptance, got to take care of ego susceptibilities like pedophiles...), while people seeking love for real will be the minority. And I know that the sexually sane experts on sex (love to them) on TV who got the biggest mouth and manipulation ability will come to say it is because true love is a notion that doesn't make sense, since they're destroying it by banalizing sex. Anyway, they succeeded at making the world in their image by using a liberty to spread their view to a population that have been made through history to tolerate, accept, adapt and pardon almost anything as long as a politician or TV says it's ok, so I should shut-up since the selection are defenders; it is what humans want now, that's what they see as normal, I am the abnormal one with a mental problem, they are sane, I'm retarded, they know love, I don't, they are open, I'm close, they are evolved, they are modern and they know everything of my sexuality because I'm against them and I don't take them as an example, and my sexuality can only be boring and uninteresting (and small) just ask Oprah.

Anomalous sexual path suggestion has no place with children even if it's just animation (more on that later), a normal sex path must be shown in animation, it's not supposed to be a free for all or "neutral" zone since it will be profited from by people manipulating our liberties for self-interests. But I won't start again this path, even if I could go on with a speech as to how many of our wrong attitudes can be retraced to childhood cartoons... Now, some will say that nobody have the right to know people's sexual habits, therefore any pedophile has the right to work for Walt Disney, but I say you're totally justified to know how someone behave sexually in most spheres of work. And stuff your arguments, a job is discriminatory from the start, get used to it. When there will be widespread love then it won't matter as much, as twisted sex people and publicists won't manipulate or compete for innocence with pretty cartoons that sexually don't make sense. Education starts as soon as the mind starts forming, and what is the most interesting to it? visuals; cartoons on television.

The biggest source of twisted mind manipulations to encourage adaptation in movies presently comes from marvel, apart from the many flagrant twisted cliché and evident tentative to give strength to the kind of cheap bullshit memes you find on facebook... The stuff don't make the movie better, it adds nothing except bullshit, in fact I often feel shame, you know I have imaginary friends with whom I watch movies right? Many current movies reflect a good imagination imprisoned in societal bullshit, retarded psychology and conflicting logic. That may be because imagination, the most valuable thing, is underpaid (to prevent potential for deep change). And this is probably reflected in the stratification of skills limiting imagination to precise tasks, underpaid artists with great imagination limited by a political pyramidal structure of manipulation, competition and profiting...

Who cares will say the selection, "it's just movies!" Another reason I'm ashamed is because, while many movies, particularly from marvel, may reflect the mass of bullshit the media industry made of the mind of humanity, where good principles are twisted to serve manipulators, it doesn't reflect who or how I am under any circumstances, and I refuse to be an accepting part of this. That's just a facet of the bullshit problem evidently, there are many mentalities meant to increase the mass of bullshit, like protecting the fragile mind of people from the truth unless it start crying or going hysteric or revolt or go denial (all proofs that the selection and the whole reality is wrong or evil), then you got all those bullshit quotations praised because they come from a popularized person or because they sound cute, the synonym dictionary, governments, religions, singers; almost everybody with a semblant of a manipulation skill is spreading or twisting languages to bullshit. Humanity will probably fail to go beyond earth because of bullshit, even if people will still live a long time in the hell they created, bitching and pointing at each other in wars. Anyway, I want my opinion to exist all along since it is unique, whatever it is worthless to present reality. I won't be responsible for the failures of other people, but I'll still take my responsibility which is to let the future and life and gods and the UI to know that someone cared deeply, at all levels, under all forms, that life could have succeed on earth, that there were fine and complete imaginative minds, but these were ignored or destroyed by the ego innocents and their bosses and ideals.

Wow, but those movies are good movies, and the story can have all kind of logical flaws no problem, but what message is straight is that they are political and societal tools, and the hero always end-up protecting the ego innocent or the system, or doing some "gooood", after heavy twisted pseudo manipulative heroic introspection, evidently...But maybe they could fit in another reality as well, there's always place for saviors, there's place for their ego too, fairness is supposed to lead to greater ego satisfaction, yes that's the goal, I have an ego and I want my fair share, the problem is that there can be an ideology to systemize things fair and there can be one to systemize things unfair, and it depend on view of good and evil, or lack of it. And the goal? More ego satisfaction, but one fails from the intrinsic of survival itself, limit ego satisfaction to a fraction of its potential at the greatest cost to life, handicapping it in all kind of ways, a lot from twisted philosophy, spirituality and psychology, PMBBD. The other will be less costly on life, it will permit survival infinitively, have far more efficiency at attaining noble goals, will not handicap life's evolution, will get it to live in far more protected diversity, far happier and far more liberty, far more basic life simplicity, and with far more mass of satisfied ego versus total of population at it.

Now, it's all about fairness isn't it? The only way to somewhat have an idea of what fairness is, is to have a definition of good and evil, and the most fundamental and logical, spirituality or not, view of good and evil is as making life survive, at least to permit your own survival, it's like very basic understanding there. So I describe a view where fairness is important in all facets of society and life, without the need to feel like I have to do altruistic actions or work hard to feel valuable, and so I make a systematization of adequate fairness, and let people themselves (as life) decide who is worth what, because they must have their fair say. Fair say mean they'll need a system of expertise to make things easy, associated to an appropriate interface of judgment. The reality itself will have to fairly protect all cultural races worth their difference, thus eliminating country competition and war production, then autosuggest population density and forward energy to more productive toward survival goals, spirituality or not you can't argue there.

From this point on you understand that by putting life's survival on the line you can't argue that the emphasis of evil is on affecting life negatively, or taking a path that accelerating its potential stagnation or extinction. The emphasis of good is to help develop life's potential and survival in the long run. The whole humanity can't argue against this view of good and evil, both religious people and atheists can't argue that good and evil exist, and they can't argue what it is because it can't be something else, understood? You don't need science to understand that! So from now on both of you will spread this view when it happens and you will use it to help steer your life, but you're probably as much a traitor to your life as you are inconsistent in your mind...

So in this view of good and evil, even good super heroes can become evil when they are associated with too much bullshit, since evil in bullshit is proportional to number of people affected negatively (can be thinking handicap), another logic no religious or atheist person can argue against, so why are you accepting it? So while your little bullshit between friends doesn't mean much, particularly if some experience of bullshitting can be a good thing, it's not the same when you affect millions. You can carry a gram, a few pounds if you compensate well, but many tons is a condemnation, and too late, or do you need a speech on innocence? You get out of it or you don't, as a person, and as a species too, jealousy is irrelevant (I know jealousy is very relevant in ego reality...).

As for fairness, iof your goal is to act in a good way, then you'll want to act fairly, but while fairness applies at all levels and in a maximum of situations, you can use good and evil as your minimum systematization for everybody to start and mostly stay good in life, and your maximum salary at the beginning of luxury, as ego limitation in the name of fairness to others whatever your job is.

And don't think that if the hero fight gods style bosses that it means they are understanding something, no, god (s) to the ego-gods ideology is a tool to manipulate, a tool, you know what is a tool? Ego reality will use the god tool in any way necessary to profit or manipulate, they'll even fight gods in the flesh! Next movie it doesn't exist! Next one has no pork in it! There's something for anybody, good pub is all what's necessary! But in a way it all really means "Pfff! we "mortals" are better than our god invention, like dying is an argument (loser argument...). And the selection continue, selection that has the power to crush me with whatever mediatic bullshit and pseudo credibility, and he wouldn't dare not to laugh with his friends at my struggle, respect, as he laugh at my effort to make sense of it all, "who cares" as he forces me to live through his ideal and witness him and his bosses cause the failure of life...

It's like those movies where they slip in a phrase about democracy like it is a synonym of liberty or peace, manipulators are infiltrated in any littler cracks of this reality...Tough men join the side of democracy, like in the 300 movie! (a fiction story, don't forget, not even based on anything true, but you know how many people are manipulated, you say anything "Greek" and they think it is a true story, as long as the guys are not flying, then again, they could be Greek gods, we're in antiquity after all... And they sacrificed for an idea, democracy (what else? they say it 3 times, a basic measure of brainwash, and they try to suggest women were involved while it is a lie, women had not a word to say, they just recently started to be worthy of an opinion if you want to know...) but it's not enough, they needed to repeat the classic liberty recipe along with it a few times too, but sorry, it still didn't happen, it is a manipulative story to embellish an ugly past, and there are tons of such movies, giving us a maximally embellished heroic story while the reality of the time (the true story) is probably exactly the contrary...The way they're going someday our past will all be wonderful, but the wonderful will stop at the camera epoch because it is harder to manipulate live footage, even if it can be done to some extent. The rest, particularly if you've been wronged, are the enemy on a power trip...

Big paroles of superheroes, quotations, philosophies, speeches in front of armies, half of the arguments that lead to actions in movies are manipulative bullshit. Particularly when it involves super heroes, like Batman, Superman and the likes, which got this tendency to use the villain to twist a good philosophy or mentality to an evil one by associating it to mass killings, while doing the opposite with the super hero, poor brainwashed super heroes. Those movie makers are profoundly moronic in their evil manipulations so much in fact that it is laughable to me, not only in the movies, but in the fact that the population doesn't notice, or they don't care. So don't play smart with me if you took your intelligence on TV, things can backfire quickly, you'll have better luck if you form your own opinion and stop repeating the speeches, ideas and attitudes of TV and movies like a brainwash sport...It's not that I have a problem talking about anything, it's an attitude thing, if you have something to prove over me you're out, one way or another, I don't compete with ego people, I'm at the extreme of another philosophy and I have nothing, you're jealous? Fuck you! I can bear all the stigmas of your sick psychology while you can't even bear one! I's like having all qualities and defects, but in truth, it's just that most stereotypes can stick to me and most principles have been twisted for enlarged manipulability. To this reality I'm an egotistical person, why? Because I can fit the stereotype if people limit their knowledge to what get out of their social device and to a vision not too far from social conventions. So a facet of living, the right for survival, is twisted into becoming acting selfishly, particularly in an environment where people work hard and are not getting what they think they should get or live...As for me, I know the coincidences as much as the decisions involved in making me, and what do I have besides my mind? I know I can have good friends and have tons of fun if I want, and I take seriously any question because I owe that much respect for the effort. That's in part why a lot of people think I'm stupid, my mind is open to any form of intelligence, patience, I live the experience before judging, in total complexity. The mistakes of candor or exploration are so far away from enforced bullshit on masses that I don't care tricking this reality by keeping it as long as it can last, or why should I be what you want of me? Because your mind integrity is dependent from a history of yourselves possessing and controlling the whole world? Your institutionalized mind manipulations and reality transformation? No thank you, just let me live as I should and I'll do far better in my corner. Still, people shouldn't feel bad for trying to better themselves, however maladroit, and if there is someone that should know about this it's me, because I accepted to pay for it, and I still need and like it, but once my work will be done, it will become my flower for love, only then will I let it take possession of me anew, as it should have been in a good reality right from the start...

Evidently, I'm talking free spirits, not vessels...vessels, they are the one who need some humility and education. A free spirit can only appreciate my work, and I slap half your evil off the plate, free, the same for sensitive people, they reap the worst in this reality, the same for those who went through big life challenges and kept a good attitude. And don't confound free spirit with angels or nudism. Free spirit is forging your own life by yourself on a maximum of facets, and it's twice as hard on all facets of living because change is continual, I mean, you won't find free spirits in sects or religions or nationalism jobs like the army, as it would contradict the "free spirit" part...but it doesn't mean they don't have a job. Another thing, they are probably loud in their silence, be careful being stupid, they developed a strong character, it comes with the style, they are leaders of their lives, so if you didn't learn to lead yours and you start dictating his, don't be surprised if things go very wrong...

Present alien civilizations are either animal brutal, totally moronic, cold statues, or 100% sexist. All other systems are either evil or boring, or straight. Because you know, if those who provide the imagination for movies can't imagine a space faring alien civilization with a decent system, then nobody can! In truth they are probably the worst people to invent these things since they are among those making the most money from it and they will always defend the system they adapted to, be it the Democracy-Capitalism business or their country.

Another thing I hate is the failure at getting at getting the treasure. People do succeed at "stealing" from a bank, but treasure hunters? They always end-up with peanuts even if they find a billion in solid gold. Even pirates fail at the treasure hunt thing, in the worst manner possible for them... I say finder's keeper, nobody takes the treasure from me, and I understand that all the "fun" is in the search, but I don't search treasure to have it taken from me, unless I create an unfair situation. I like living with some jackpots, and I want to increase my jackpot potential with my intelligence, my energy, my time. I say any treasure that is worth less than the value of an efficient and good life should remain in the pockets of the finder, beyond that it can go to whatever reality institution, that's at auction value. Half an "efficient and good life" is 25 years at fair salary (let's sat 125,000$ CAN) and it would be made available under the same format of in the account of the finder every years for 25 years. Why not a percentage? Because there's a fairness-unfairness side to percentages, and here it is disadvantageous to small finds, which may require a lot of investment too, so I prefer to see it as lifelong lotto...That's far bigger treasure than anything the rich have to offer. Maybe not as big as insane lottery, but that wouldn't exist in a life reality either, replaced by something like I just described...

I still can't talk against movies and communication too much since they produce a reflective effect that forces us, one way or another, to look at ourselves and our attitudes 50 years later, 100, 1000, until it's too late... But it hardly happens in this reality because this effect is controlled by manipulators and their goal is in big part to better manipulate. People have no way to really affect the psychological effect of movies, the door is closed because of the way money moves and the type of government. People have no way of telling their opinion in a way as to affect reality, only crappy manipulative opinion pools, and there is always an expert manipulator in the way to "manage" the truth of what's wanted by the people. Even then, it is too late to do good, the selection is done, an ego driven one that would parrot experts on TV. But why do some have the right to impose with PMBBD their version of the human and society to everybody from year 0 to death to the whole of humanity? Is it liberty? Or is it a mind deficiency? It never crossed your mind that there are many people that could grow differently and do and feel far better without it? You think your selection from heavy PMBBD is final for eternity? That you made of humanity a recipe by imposing tolerance, adaptation and acceptance of your vision through entertainment? Made it dependent? What if there still exist people that don't want to have it that way, what if they find a way to become the norm? What if you can't kill them? You'll be proud of all the troubles you'll have given humanity? You'll be proud to be judged by more evolved than yourself as a bunch of rotten manipulators profiteers that tried to impose their insanities to the whole world in the name of liberty?

The media industry is infested by ego PMBBD users deciding our liberties; under this form it is squarely a crime against humanity, that's my final opinion. And carpet bombing Hollywood, the symbol, is of no use, like bombing the world trade center symbol would have been of no use against Capitalism, what? provocation? The same for the pentagon, against democracy, if it could be the true goal. What I mean is that the form they take can become a condemnation, an invincible part of reality and interdependent to it, to the point that they can stop the whole human species evolution, or limit it greatly, and war may be the only solution to remove the problem since even if many people don't like it, the selection is an infinite wheel to defend it. In the end, unless those buildings are associated to a mentality, in which case you're justified to destroy them since there will forever be a mentality to fill the building back if the systematization is not removed, the problem is the minds behind the structures, that's where change must take place, or dismantling, because they are systematized eternal under that form, like there is always a priest to become a pope, there is always a Capitalist to become a banker, etc, etc, etc. Now, at this point, many are plunging their hands in their bag of psy mental warfare tags, but I'll tell you this; people like me don't exist anymore, selected out by the ways of the reality you defend encourage and "love", you can't appreciate me and I got two choices with my life; either I suicide or I fight, I don't bow to PMBBD, I prefer death, and if I cannot fight, then I suicide one way or another, with drugs if I must (like a lot of people in reserves), just so you won't cry.1/2

I like games, for me, they are the best form of imagination presently, they are living artistic creations with which you can interact, and practice (to some extent) some skills like decision making, patience, puzzle solving, reflexes, imagination and more. Generally the benefits far exceed the bad mentality points, but such negative points are everywhere in this reality, so the best you can do is to choose the sources or control it in your own way (like not watching a movie more than 3-4 times). The source I've chosen to accept is games because there is far less and it's evident, with some genre exceptions, that they are fantasy things; you don't see live actors in there, they are paintings, the best paintings you can find on earth. And if this reality thinks itself so good as to make it impossible to give people another choice of a way of living, then people like me who don't want to contribute to it one way or another, can spill their ego in games and wait for an opportunity to associate. Games are the best way to escape this reality since it is hardly possible to survive in it without seeking escape, or displacing our frustration (there are a hundred ways to escape it you have no clue about...). Finally, games and computers could be the future of learning in another reality, surely not in the PMBBD environment we have today.

I don't play much realism shooting war games though, I don't need to, and the stories are no better than what we get from governments playing their killing games. So they are the exception I don't like, games where the association to reality is too evident, like when you kill people for reality related reasons (I absolutely hate to kill someone because he's a terrorist, I kill evil people, not terrorists, and it is surely not the systems or bosses of this reality that will teach me who is evil or not!) People are human beings and they look human in games too, and the justifications for killing in realist shooter games are PMBBD in a lot cases, like in reality. If I wanted to shoot people like me in this reality, I'd play more shooters with realist weapons and "innocent" people no worse than me as enemies.

Even if I could find many justifications to learn how to kill to the best of my abilities, realism in games is still too relative; you can make cool headshots all you want and think you're a big warrior, but in reality everything would be different, and probably you wouldn't like it to kill too close. I could say the farther away you'd be from your enemy the easier it would be. When you really hate someone emotively you can appreciate a shower of his internals, or see him suffer, but it's not what happens in most war; the justifications are twisted, and that's why most prefer to kill from far away, even if there are many exceptions like people without a hint of capacity at putting themselves in the skin of someone else, and there are many people in the army that are so brain-dead they simply want to kill anything, but such people should be the ones to get killed. Evidently, I wouldn't underestimate the reasons why an army exists, and when you have been trained and brainwashed to kill for years it is only logical that many end-up itching in anticipation of killing.

I prefer to play games for the same reasons I read science fiction; to be told an interesting story while killing some evil and letting time pass; I'm not ready for my destiny, and my destiny will always require that I try to take it easy when I can. I think I'm at the maximum on some facets of my life, maximum stress or anxiety? Is there fear involved? No, it's not the fear style, as I laugh maniacally...Out loud minimally, it's the trap kind stress, finding no justification not to do something condemning yourself to do it if you have the means to do it. The inverse could be true too, for an inversed result?

I will even modify the story in my mind to have more of a satisfying fight. I like crazy weapons and ugly monsters, machines and effects. I like strategy games but not the historical ones. I like shooters, but not the realist ones. Give me monsters and machines and I'll run right ahead to get that bazooka and bath myself in gore and scrap, that's what monsters and vampires are for, we invent them and then they exist eternally in our mind; a vampire is probably the most widespread knowledge on earth, yet it's only an imaginative thing. What added to its wide spreading is the easy associations our unconscious make to some attitudes of people we know, it is even an imaginary reflection of a sickness in people I could say, like profiting from innocence to live eternally (through systems that only accept one mentality).

You know why we invent monsters? To find our next enemies, and that's why the "monsters" and "vampires" of this reality work so hard to make them friendly in our mind, make us "love" them, weren't some of the most admired people of antiquity rich dictators monsters making massacres? Admired people that brought many civilizations to their end?

Many people know unconsciously who is bringing us in trouble, whatever that becomes twisted by the reality. Most people don't want to know how deep in trouble they are since it's bad for the "laughing make you healthy" motto, so they accept to "love" the most ego people because they are totally interdependent, even if many know they are being lead to grave troubles or that a system or mentality won't work in the end. When we'll have fought enough between ourselves to see the futility of it, when we'll all be Democrats and Capitalists long enough to ruin our mind and the earth, then we'll fight our mental and imaginative monsters in an unbelievable war brothel of competition, civil war, purges and exterminations. And what will rise from that? I guess the next step will be ego monsters getting out of their hole or creatures descending from the sky, coming from all kind of places where they hid temporarily to survive or give orders, and they will rebuild exactly the same thing if they can, only stronger, with more accepting and tolerating people, a better selection (natural selection?) that will "love" or defend unfairness with still more twisted arguments, that will kneel faster in front of rich glittering people, to eternity or the end. Will is a limited thing, too many things saps it, do humanity have the will to really fight until the ego ideal is truly incapacitated? I doubt it; fighters for true good are extremely rare these days, and they tire quickly mentally since their goal is not the glory of fighting evil, but gaining something. And I understand, there is no glory when evil (like vast unfairness) is admired by the selection of people it made through history, or when it controls liberties with its gangs of manipulators or when it decides the whole world with a system that serves better the likes of him (like the Democracy-Capitalism business that can only be run by the rich, with a selection made to reject anybody else trying), at best you'll end-up in prison at your first tentative...

The games I like the most have a tendency to be the ones that sell the less. Again the pub emphasis is on old classics killing shooters and historical strategy and that's because they are sure to bring big profits from old manipulation momentum. Monumental work have been done making flabbergasting complex and beautiful imaginative games, but some killed their companies because of the industry only thinking profits. Publishers should see games more globally but they don't do it in the Democracy-Capitalism business, they are rich over the head (the top bosses) and they only try to increase their stash, for their own profits, and for investors or shareholders profits. They won't help someone making a fabulously beautiful, complex and good game if it is not a guarantee of big profit. Then they'll lament when their business is failing that it is because of a new phenomenon on the internet, they are right, but when you're too old or incompetent to take the bull by the horns don't lament if you end-up at the hospital, this arena is not for you anymore. Any system that works on the internet do because someone had the skills to make it succeed, sorry for you, it is not even a question of competition. And this applies to paperback publishing companies lamenting about the internet "stealing" their fucking market. I have a book here, it is not bad, will you publish and publicize it? Or lament about the internets when you'll be out of business?

Lots of people are brainwashed to mostly buy classic, simple killing, historical or simulation games (call that fast food games), and the publishers will mostly encourage these; they'll let an imaginative company dismantle itself instead of taking some profit off their "fast food games" to keep it alive, hurrah competition! In this reality, the worth of the lasting time of imagination in games is minimized while in the end it's supposed to be the most valuable thing. But thanks to the free work of modders, a lot of games have development and imagination potential that can't be accounted for in the value of the game; often such free work easily overwhelm the whole value of a game. And what drives modders? Not money; appreciation and making a game better. This reality's profit structure and time basis is inadequate to give value to the best creation or imagination work (more on that in the "Systematic Magic" chapter (book)).

But don't worry, killing "simulation" games will continue to be very popular since killing is the last word in ego satisfaction; I'm right and I'm the best so die if you think or do otherwise. It ends an argument right there and forever while the selection to get rid or transform people that are different goes on quicker. Now become a soldier and fight to the death any country or mentality resisting your brainwash of a world order, but don't worry, they're not any better than you if that can amount to some kind of a consolation. Maybe that's what we should do with all those platoons of politicians; put a gun in their hands, slap a corporal grade on their shoulders and use them until they get a bullet somewhere that will pop something inside, or walk on an explosive garment that will blow away a leg; maybe they'll understand that war is no game, or that no 4 feet shortie can be a successful politician in this reality... I guess they'll use less PMBBD on people too, since they won't "love" war after their experience. But I guess that as long as they don't get that bullet of humility, and a lot more, their nationalist brainwash will be stronger than their consciousness and they'll believe themselves and their flag superior.

I'll add as a note on 4 feet shorties; in this reality, if everybody measured 4 feet, the 5 feet people would have it far easier, they would be encouraged, given advantages and women would seek them, not ignore them (or seek them as more of a family (or system) people because they are ready to do more or fight more for a woman or stability because they haven't had it easy in their more limited "luck"). Because someone is taller, he's advantaged in all kind of ways, life is easier when you are taller, and the PMBBD is so old and profoundly implanted that most taller people simply act superior, or they must make an effort not to. They are higher, others are lower. It's not everybody for sure, and there is always the cool giant, but this think big or superior attitude sure is no good philosophy, whatever a lot of the world history is based on it to the point that it is now an unconscious thing from thousands of years of PMBBD. We can probably become as big as dinosaurs if we want, we'd just be "lucky" the environment was made to impose a limitation, if not life would have failed in its high consciousness quest since we wouldn't survive long enough to fill the planet with billions of giant, exploiting no end filling their bellies, and making the impossibly big, expensive and energy hungry vessel to drop them on a planet where they wouldn't survive without fantastic structures and inferiors anyway... I could say gigantism is a way of natural ego where the first and strongest decide, the animal immediate survival system, not the reward system. Maybe this is even born to disappear proportional to complexity and safety; the longer life exists, the less big, dominating or violent. "Intelligent violence" should become the norm, unless you're stupid enough to consciously choose this path by enforcing competition of everything and the building of pyramidal ego while giving more advantages or clemency to people who act unconsciously instead of consciously...A well-functioning mind using well its consciousness will stop an exaggeration process before becoming incapacitated intellectually, or physically, enough to prevent its recipient from long term surviving, or reaching others stars. It's definitively not the case presently; we are becoming incapacitated by many exaggerations already, and all what I'll describe as reality invalidating arguments can fit this category. For now, since "gods" "love" to tower above others, and their servants "love" to dream higher, I guess gigantism is the way of the future for a retarded humanity...so unless we have already reached our environmental limit, we will very slowly continually get taller through selection to help our twisted ego-gods ideology. We're presently the perfect size to do anything in the universe, quite a coincidence when you think how perfect the environment must be to permit both our existence and size... But this reality like creating monsters, and after the mental comes the physical, some thousands years later, so probably life will still fail in its high consciousness quest. Today, with the load of PMBBD, the monsters can be anybody good or evil or anything, since principles and notions are so twisted they can mean almost anything.

As is the case for most differences, there is a genetic difference associated to size, but it is no better to emphasis bigger as it is to emphasis smaller, I'd even have a tendency to believe it's supposed to have more advantages than inconvenient in a civilization having food for everybody; supposing brains are the same, 2 smaller make double independent brains versus a single one, they eat less, needs less production and create less pollution for it. China is not a powerhouse for nothing, I'm sure it feeds twice as many people for the same quantity of pollution produced for an American even if I understand the part of politics, which is probably the part that makes it so the ratio is more like 3 to 1 instead of 2 to 1, due to more poverty, but this is still questionable, do we know the truth behind the propaganda? I'm not so sure Americans have that much of a better standard of living, but bigger people are superior no? They look at Chinese people from high height...It's like when Obama visited china and said china was a grown up now, like it is tall enough to be seen as a child...but it is just normal speech, nobody noticed, only me, and I'd have kicked him hard enough he would have flown back to without a plane! Then we wonder why king gong hill 3 ( the guy in North Korea) wants to blow-up America, we laugh because he's paranoid about tallness, what if it is about American's racist attitude? What if it is about them trying to pressure the world to their culture, or language, or view of sexuality? If you want to develop differently, then maybe the only solution for protection is war preparations, if it is the only option left, and it would justify entirely that they put the emphasis of their small country on the military, I would even go to the extent of saying it is their responsibility, particularly if those Americans have rights they can't have, where is fairness? Particularly if those Americans continually buzz around like flies. But I know nothing of North Korea, do they have something big they want to do? Something not encouraging the ego emancipation? I would guess not, and their leaders act more like their image is more important than anything else, and the guy is a big amateur of having palaces after palaces to hide his ass in luxury, which is sure not my style of leadership... Still, nobody should tolerate the attitude of America of violently fooling in everybody's things while they are very far from exemplary.

I admire computer art, I take my time appreciating a game fully, I like to watch the monsters I'm shooting, I like to kill tons of them, I want sustained action so I can appreciate full blast effects, I want heavy destruction in a rain of fire, gore and pieces of everything that don't disappear right away, I want complexity in a simple interface. I like powerful but comfortable and emotive battles that get my heart beating, and I like systemized godly enemies like robots, ants and pyramidal baddies (rampaging Egyptians and Mayans doing dark ceremonies of death anybody?). I like to involve my brains and imagination, a game is a personal challenge but I don't like impossible levels of difficulties. Games are meant to be beaten at their hardest by a few people, as a player that went at it almost from the beginning, I know a game is too hard if I can't play normal without dying regularly, and presently there are far too many games that are too hard at normal, probably because there are people on drugs playing 24/24 who can beat it easily, just give them impossible difficulty and leave normal for normal people ok? But there must be a difficulty at getting overly powerful and the bigger the difficulty the better, you must learn things most people won't, it's always fun to discover secrets and treasures. All that makes a good game better, evidently, that's genre dependent, and in general the principle is well understood. Personally, I like to find little difficult to enable bugs; they make games more "human".

I like strategy games where you can set tons of options and with a map editor; that's critical, I have made fantastic maps without equivalent on games I really liked, like master of magic of old, the ultimate and lone winner to this day in fantasy turn based strategy, I made an incredible one for age of wonder too, a game that came very near master of magic; I never liked might and magic though, something nags me in the feeling of this game. King's bounty is a bit better, but the artificial intelligence scraps almost all the fun since it always attack your weaker units, those doing all the fun things, while those units are already weak in advance, even with their special abilities; you like druids because they pop bears? sorry, all enemies in the games will attack your old druids until you dump them out of frustration, waste of money, then you'll get mages because they can heal, sorry, everybody will attack your mages until you dump them out of frustration, and that goes on and on until you only have big dumb units, maybe humanity is evolving toward that too...Artificial intelligence is the biggest problem of today's games, apart from crashes, there is no middle; either it is dumb or it is cheating just to prevent you using or doing the cool stuff you built your strategy around from the beginning...

I made an unbelievable clash map of empire earth 2, even if that's not much my type of games. An atomic fortress for dawn of the modern world; it is a bump in the middle of a map with assailants all around where you end up having to defend your point with 200 atomic bomber, the map reach a point where you have nothing else to do than sit and enjoy the excellent nuclear explosions. I think you could do something like that with supreme commander which is truly supreme, but again the AI is too limited, and the sorian AI is even worse as it always end-up building infinite range artillery while copying your strategy. Master of orion 3 is pure genius, where did that came from? I can't believe humans actually made this game, I say those people should be given an Olympic medal, but it's still halfway made, some things don't work, need better help. If it was reworked a little it could end up as a playable proof that today's ways of governments simply don't work in the long run. Imagine with better graphics like x3...And that one is quite a phenomenon too, we shouldn't be shy on using strong qualification when describing such creations. Some games are simply extraordinary, they make one feel insignificant for a long time...Master of magic of old and master of Orion 3 are two masters of games genre that I'd gladly invest tons of money to remake, both got powerful advanced elements never seen in any other games, but this reality will probably make cute incomplete regressions from working under pressure, a lot of today's sequel and remake destroyed the old game from profits pressures.

We have taken a tangent of fast food games, half complete, half boring, half good to the point that I rebuilt an old 486 with, wow!, 32 Meg of memory and a 10gig drive full of old game (dos box is not good enough, many games don't work in dos box whatever I turn all options upside down, while they do on the 486). You wouldn't believe my autoexec.bat and config.sys files, I made big menus with all kind of memory configurations and mouse drivers to make all the games work, and they do. If you're not a visual maniac you can have as much fun playing old games, they are not as pretty but many are more profound or evolved. "Rest well my friend, cause tomorrow we are sailing to the island of Daggerfall" You don't know what epic means until you played that one, it got a dark gloomy aura and a profundity you'll never find in a modern game. "Avatar! Know that the time has finally come to"...well, to be a big red daemon that will destroy your little dream land...but that's another game...

Almost forgot, it's not because some genre are old that they must be forgotten; better graphics or less limitations didn't stop chess from being played, a game is made of limitations, like competition, don't forget that one, this whole reality is full of condemning and far worse than worthless limitations because of competition; competition is meant for games, fun, not life and reality, life doesn't care about competition, it work from truth principles, and fighting is not competition, it exist for a true reason, playing too, life doesn't even care about fairness, as long as it is not needed as a principle, like for its high consciousness forms. The same for competition, it exists for us and we are condemned to it, and so we must make it a principle defined by truths, not conflict, and if one of the facet of competition is fairness, then humanity is in a deep mess, since our definition of a competition say that there is a final winner, and as such you start unfairness. So your competition emphasis must be for fun, that way the definition is always good in our mind, we must see competition as a form of art or entertainment, no reason to stress, but it doesn't mean no work competition, it mean not as an emphasis on all facets of society.

I always liked puzzle games like the eye of the beholder suite, puzzle traps, invisible walls, enemies that skip frames to jump at your face, enemies that were part of the puzzles as you could see their position in advance, then you decided your next step and they reacted to you, like chess. I want more of this, and you can take all puzzles of the genre since everybody has forgotten it and young people will never know. There are at least 20 games that have been made under this "engine", you can't dump such a success because you got real-time 3D graphics, it's a different genre that we should continue improving. And throw in those word puzzle chest that I saw only in one game ever, Betrayal at Krondor, I almost learned English unlocking those chests, there is no bigger motivator to think and to learn than a treasure chest...But I wouldn't break the spirit of it by making it an indirect thing, they were perfect like that with the perfect noise, you wanted to roll these letters, it was almost addictive. It was not the only good thing of this game, once you started doing it well, the magic and combat was quite something too, never seen something like it anywhere.

Another old game that was cool is iron seed, text based at it, it's a space game where your crew are ego copies that made a failed revolution or something, ask them about earth and gods for some very interesting answers... They collect and mine stuff around to upgrade their vessel, they mix basic things, like amino acids, carbon, hydrogen, etc, to make something which you'll add to other composed things, which you'll add to others things for a quest to build a weapon; never seen this anywhere else, then you can decompose everything back to bits and make a satellite instead. I just never found the use of scanning planets that much though, for nothing, I lighted-up the radio, scanned and good bye. Manufactures were worthless too.

I made a monster with SimCity 4, simply crazy, but I lost a lot of programs and saves in an "accident", and my SimCity games somehow disappeared and the exploit was simply too much to remake. Anyway, my computer was on its knees at minimum graphic, I think the city was near 10 million, and with lakes, parks, mountains almost raising to the top of the map. Just making the basis of the map was a big challenge, highways raising at 45 degree in the air from one end of the map to the other is almost impossible, you got to draw the perfect line of terrain for it in the terrain editor before knowing if your highway will raise to the top, so you save and modify a hundred times until you got it. The perfect lake with the perfect island is not easy either, an island where you'll start the whole map, your cultural start. I even had a secret cave (impossible? almost) with a small lake where I had just enough place to plant the mayor house with a cute secret street passing through tunnels, toxic dumps, military bases, bridges, missile launchers, fairs etc. I remember some kind of complex bug where if you stayed exactly stable at the moment you had a new marvel you could have a second one, but you had to prepare in advance since you had to plant both exactly at the same moment, condemning them with the game as you lost them if demolished, it worked with almost all big advancements except those that brought money directly in your pockets, like casinos, can't double casinos cheater! Even my pollution was almost contained to meter precision, I passed my time with a bulldozer in the industrial sector razing any industry that didn't have the kind of people I wanted in them, making a super selection, but it becomes worthless past a certain point. So you can bet I'm not motivated to play this game anymore, I played my game, I don't think I'll ever play another SimCity in my life, or it better be impressive; I worked the game too hard, but it was a damn good game, even if I never played rush hour.

Apart from that, my favorite simple shooter is painkiller; it is exactly the kind of game I like, more solid than willrock, but that one had those inflating monsters and trampoline travel that gave it a little something... I went insane on doom; that loading of the 12 is imprinted in my mind forever, clik, clak, boom! clik, clak, boom... And there was so many enemies! That's in part why I like painkiller that much too; there are a lot of enemies. Quake 1 too was something with its quad damage runs, no games at the time to explode enemies like that, a dos game BTW. Quake 3 is something too, I don't install windows without it even to this day, it's like a challenge at every windows install; I fire it up and pass it whole, and I still haven't noticed I'm getting trigger old. However, the best hybrid of shooter and role playing I've played I think is Hellgate London with revival; this game was overwhelming when you set it up for a maximum of enemies, its only defect was the limited map environments. But this type of game died with its company, and it was a big kill since it was the only one of its kind, they decided to make it an internet game only.

The inevitable Diablo 2 was good too. Doom, hellgate london, diablo, painkiller, sacred, the hell theme works wonders with me, there are as many ugly monsters as there are different too, but anybody who played these games know they are far more complex than they look, the best mix of strategy and action is my dream place to spend some energy, maybe that's why I was served the earth as a kid... The Ultima suite was rightly king of its kind; another unique creation on the pile that fell victim to systhemic competition. These days games companies are under so much monetary pressure that most games hit the market half finished or full of bugs, the same applies to hardware. Capitalism competition is so good and great, nothing can replace it! I could add a lot of compliments about this game company (Origin), apart from the virus they sent me at some point for my bugging a French version of U8 that didn't exist in truth. (don't worry, I didn't take it badly; business as usual, almost everybody ends-up giving me troubles, even people I like, and everything I tried didn't work, it is natural to me, unless I behave as advertised... And it is grave enough that I simply cannot exist under my form; it's too hard to have my kind of pleasures, since my fun is good and evil... So games are real good for me since I cannot enjoy this reality, at least I can get evil to piss blood to death in games, when the justifications are good... To continue on this track a little, I'll add that I understood my problem long ago, but I didn't change, even if I tried, until I decided that inexistence was my path. In a sense I locked myself up in a cavern away from interacting with this world, but even then, my attitude is a risk for what's left of my life... And I can easily make friends, don't worry, but I easily turn them to enemies too. Still, good people are right to think they should be my friend, to test me a little, but I made myself inaccessible, and the most pain is still on me, even if you think I'm an asshole.

Oh, and don't think I'm suicidal, you are suicidal, me I tried a few forms of suicide long before choosing this path, and I abandoned. But I went so far I believe my "pain" crossed human limit for sanity, I almost developed something akin to schizophrenia, and I healed by myself without a psy or a pill or a friend... I was so far away behind I was a joke, I was ridiculous, and people continually added, so I decided to stand by giving the finger to this reality. I could have tons of excellent friends, I could hold women after women, I'd just have to drop some of my construction. But I could never do it and now the contract is that I finish it, and fight fire with fire is in the contract, so the dragon will burn.

So I slowly came to write this book (s), and I went to this extent to survive as myself and to justify the load of frustration I had cumulated too, and to explain to the people I liked too. The difference is that I'm not innocent anymore, I consciously direct my hate because I'm a good person and I've always been even if I knew almost from the beginning of my life that this world was not my place. Who was it that said people lasted 30 years in old times? Then at what age did consciousness start? I have known for a long time I would have to experience this world, not in the education way I received, and not in the religious ways I was forced to; I had to do it action reaction. I did steal a few little things here and there (not from people I knew), just to not have the reputation of a saint, but almost all my "wrong" actions were either mistakes or justified; you give me troubles, I give you troubles, and the first to start is worth worse. If you made me feel bad, then I'd pass hours deducting if I was worth it, and my conclusions was always that I was not, then I'd have to redirect at the right source. I had to see if religions made good people, as an innocent, and the more I found lies the more I tested and the more I knew I was not adequate. So I did I made efforts to behave forever better, and I did! All the way, and I reaped the worst all the way until I became almost crazy. But as a kid locked in darkness after supper and selling bogeys at school and going to church I understood evil quite quickly, to the point it became me vs the world, the challenge of my type of innocence. So now you are stuck with me, what are you gonna do? And I can take hate, pain, violence beyond what anybody can. For now I can take the best years of my life to ridicule this whole world, at least for once you'll hate me for something that makes sense... But I'm still the same good person I've always been, and that's why I'll justify, explain, argument, I'll bust my head before distributing ammo, and I won't concentrate on the weak for sure, but nobody will be spared, even women, and along with that I'll bring you a project of good no evil person can think of.

Maybe I'm dramatizing a little, sound like nobody "love" me, all is missing is some crying, but I sometimes feel like that, and I do cry, often in fact, but only when I'm alone, and from all kind of feelings, except self-pity I think, rage is excellent, and never send me to consult a psy for it, I'm proud of it, it is one of the things that differentiate humans from animals, take that away from me and I'll make a massacre! To go back to Ultima, its contract was too much pressure probably and a competition mentality didn't help, the boss surely became too ego too, and new technologies pushed them to online implosion. Yet, it was always a precursor in using new technologies, and a precursor that carried a heavy load of a perfection ideal, this game company was a jewel, and the single player Ultima torch should be taken back and carried on for another stretch; I'd give it a try if I didn't have so many other big projects I'd like to do, it's just that I have chosen the ultimate project, one I can easily sink the rest of my life in...

But maybe if I could find a tranquil moment, away from humanity, I could bring the avatar quest a step further, to new reality standards, but for now it is this earth that needs some heavy metal help, and some adequate spells too. It is incantation magic that works here, and this is my magic book, spells of life, based on its inspirational power. As for kings, well, it is time you retire. It is your choice to help do things graciously or not, but maybe having class is just manipulation... But I won't convince you for now; I'll have to cast a few painful incantations first. As for all these principles, like the avatar in Ultima, I'll bring them back to life in their right place, don't worry, but in the Gaia way, since we're on earth.

To continue with my tastes I'll write about food, not restaurants, too expensive for my style...except for some rare coffe. With around 50$, I can eat a whole week if I cook my food and I very rarely waste anything. No fast food either. There's a big taste and quality difference between more and less expensive food. Food is not gadgetry, I need it, and I need good food for a good health. I'm not supposed to be sugar dependent either, and I'm not an animal to whom you feed leftovers, and overpopulation is not an argument for bad quality food, even if the food looks good, quality is not image or size. But yes, food quality should be proportional to money, logical, but who's got the money? For now I wouldn't eat a regular meal of a hundred $ without feeling sick about it. I'm supposed to eat fish twice a week and I can hardly do it a few times a year except for canned pink salmon and sardines, pouah, give me fresh fish or fresh frozen fish tasting good at a reasonable price and I think I'll eat only that for a year so much I want it! I want fish that cost a lot less than steak, and I don't care they're little fish or big ones! Experts passed I don't know how many years pushing people to catch and eat the big ones and release the little ones, saying that the big fish contain more omega, and now that the big ones are disappearing, all of a sudden we must eat the little ones and release the big ones, scientifically saying that the little ones contain more omega? But what about the reproduction thing where big fishes are better reproducers? Ah, little fishes reproduce faster, like we're doing with people, fast food people...And I'm supposed to believe those guys? But I'm not an expert on omegas, so I'll close my mouth, anyway I'm low on omega oil, my brain gearings are stuck dry from missing too much...

I've been doing my cooking with cheap groceries for a long time now, and even if I have developed a few strange recipes, I have been keeping the same basic philosophy for a lot of time and it seems to work well with me. Not much frozen or already done meals, just looking at the list of chemicals in there and I get a headache. I rarely eat chips for the same reasons, I've got enough of smoking and smog for chemicals, I like salt and vinegar... No canning or juice with simple or molecularly modified sugar in them (glucose, fructose, sucralose, etc), no edta, and potassium metabisulfites, the later gives me incredible headaches and you have this disinfectant in almost all commercial wines and it's not written on the sticker. They say it evaporates and it's the sugar that gives headaches but it is not; I drink half a bottle of wine and I wake up in a killer mood for what? A few grains of sugar? Ridiculous, I did a lot of home wine and I never got a headache. A vast majority of commercial wines have almost no sugar in them, evidently, I'm talking about cheap 10-15$ wine. But I'm not much of an alcohol "lover", I like quality which is more expensive, and I eliminated the few beers I took once in a while when the price of food and lodging got too high. I traded this for more smoking I think, and a bottle of vodka, no better.

You're starting to guess that I easily get headaches, but it's simply that I can easily make the mistake of switching from too much sugar to none. I'd say sugar is a bit like a drug, one spoon of sugar is one cigarette. But agitated people are wanted in the Democracy-Capitalism business; they get the economy turning faster, and they got more needs, like children needing Ritalin... I don't think my mind and body gain much from sugar or coffee or whatever else boosters, they may even weaken mind abilities and shorten lifespan.

As for the food I can't pass by, if good steak or a fish or a bird land on my plate, I'll look around for some more before eating carrots for sure. I really like Quebec's old cultural food, it hit the spot with a vengeance, a true "tourtiere" from the Saguenay got to satisfy a king; I don't want to trade this "alchemy" for fancy T.V. carrots and mc Donald, I prefer updating it with more advanced techniques and knowledge. I definitively don't like sushi, I just don't understand what's so good about this, probably the pub. Except for parmesan and chizz-wiz, I like almost every kind of cheese, I could ruin myself there. I like fruits, like grapefruit, it "clean" the taste, try it before eating something else, but maybe it's just me. I don't like oranges except as juice, I don't like peeling little fruits, particularly if they're messy, I'll make the effort for big ones instead. I like coconut, a strange fruit that one, almost...alien. Peaches without hairs are perfect and kiwis scare me. As for vegetables it's more a seasonal thing and I prefer crude ones, carrots, cucumber, radishes, tomatoes, (all things I stole from mother's garden when I was little). I make a wonderful spaghetti sauce...I'm good with beans and chicken and potatoes. I like pizza, smoke, beer, chips etc too, but with parsimony, I just control everything I do and I have a tendency to test my dependences.

This alimentation permits me to eat almost as much as I want without growing fat, I even seem to have a stomach limitation; I can grow fat no problem, with sugar, but I can't eat past a certain amount without fearing for my life as I can't move anymore and I must wait to digest something before feeling better. Even if I eat like a pig for months, the stomach doesn't seem to expand, maybe I got a genetic limitation, or it's made of steel, who knows, or maybe alcohol helps. But I should close my mouth since we're all big wine connoisseurs now, and after thousands of years of efforts, scientists finally found it a positive, true but doubtful, propriety. But I don't remember what it is, I think it flush bad toxins or radiation which, in turn, make us live longer, something like that, we're just lucky they weren't paid to prove scientifically that wine is an aphrodisiac (pub and movies try hard though) or making us more intelligent.

Almost everybody in my place is drinking wine like it's the brevage of gods, but I made a banana wine so good that I never thereafter came to understand how it was possible that almost only grapes are used for wine diversity. I say people are far more susceptible to PMBBD and limited and selected that I could ever believe, even if you think I'm making a paranoia about it (when I say selected (the selection), I mean selected over generations like we select plants for a property, done through overload or limitations and pressures of all kind, from physical to mental, and PMBBD is the supreme tool to do it). It's like the natural tobacco, people are crazy about the stuff lately because it grows in nature around old Indian burial sites and is collected by savages, it's like smoking has become a good thing all of a sudden, almost an aphrodisiac, or more appropriately, an hallucinogenic you take to become a ghost whisperers... I'm exaggerating a little, but don't tell me PMBBD has no effect.

There are thousands of fruits and vegetables and I'm stuck in a market piling raisin wine in every possible infinitesimal variation of taste, taste that changes from one day to the next. That's what competition on the ground of profit leads to after a few thousand years of selection; diversity proportional to means, which would make some sense if things were systemized fair, but in this reality the poorer end-up victims of the competition for the superior property; a single wine in all its diversity, a single cow in all its diversity, a single human in all its diversity and on and on you go until everything is systemized for profits and hurrah competition! Here is the winner in all its variations! Now get used to it, we'll help you, we'll even make "milleism" out of generations, I'm personally from the X batch. The chosen human in all its diversity is a robot tasting raisin wine by heart with an inflated vocabulary, but its great taste never explored carrot wine more than as an exception, while comparing it to raisin wine...

Where was I again? Ah! Expanding stomachs, mine doesn't expand ahah! So to grow fat I must eat nutella! Thinking about fat, did I talk about Ginetto? Couldn't skip that one! We are the only French enclave in America; there are English invaders all around, 3 kind of them in big quantity, a hundred to one, and because of that we have laws to keep a majority of French content on radio, so when a channel specializes in "boring" music, we hear Ginetto very often... Many places where we buy food they put such channels where we only hear boring, nostalgia and depressive songs or happy songs sounding depressive like Ginetto is so good at doing (some place even pass messages to get money to heal depression, then they start a crying song; I want so much to die when they do that!). As for Ginetto, I know all her repertoire by heart just by buying my food, and sometimes she drives me crazy enough that I get out of the place while the fat woman end her heart ripping shouting.

I'm too intolerant I know, but should I be tolerant of that and intolerant at home or the contrary? or intolerant to my own mind? That is the question. Tolerance is like truth, it always come back to kick you, at a personal level, at a social level or at a civilization level, be it in one year or in 10 000 years. I may still be pushing my intolerance a little, but what's the matter with them? Can't they put on another kind of music? Is this really what people like to hear when buying food or is it manipulation? You try to make us depressive so we buy more food? You try to implant her image in the back of our mind so she becomes an unconscious ideal? Then bum money for suicidal people...

I want to hear good music, I'm supposed to be a part of this world no? And I think international and future so evolve! There is not only French and English in this world, there is not only hearing for the peaceful selection, there are not only singers crying toilet emotions, or old farts on the verge of collapse or "after Vietnam" peace and "love" never ending nostalgia old stuff trying to look young on Viagra and media hype for that matter, or nationalism cultural pressures, do you build this world for death or for life? Are you trying to make a museum out of your competition or what? Mummies dancing around the fire? I'm exaggerating, but I'm not strong on folklore, I prefer people looking forward than people trying to build the place as a museum for their like and so they feel comfortable in their tomb; isn't it what we're doing by indebting humanity to the selection of people the most ego like?

Give me some good music without singers in food stores once in a while, it won't affect your language invasion paranoia, even if you may be right to be paranoid about it; it's just that nothing else than retarded country competition can fit in the brains of those who profits from it, and their systematization is eternal, invincible, with a selection grown to fit in, and that's the history they're making, and I don't like it, even if the selection do, for whatever reasons I can all end-up qualifying as enforced ignorance through PMBBD. "God" decided to condemn us to country competition until we die out of it, but, they'll say, it's the best system, invent another one, we'll compete it to death in the egg. Sorry if I slipped a little, I'm back to food.

I sometimes eat industrials, I mean their competition meat, which is good for athletes but not that much for me; I prefer wild meat which I rarely have the chance to eat. But my all-time preference is fish, most fishes, fresh or frozen and well cooked; no sushi for me, or squid. I simply can't spend 15$ kg for frozen fish and canned fish tastes bad. Only the red, and I say red, "Goldseal wild pacific red salmon" canned salmon is good, but 5$ for a small can? Instead of the 2$ for the rose stuff. I did buy a can once in a while, it was the only thing my cat has ever eaten beside her dry food (and I tried many things, did I mention she never killed an insect too?), it was like a ceremony between us, that can of red salmon, we ate it together, and after she died I was never again able to buy and eat some, it had become a sacred thing. Sardines too lost their good taste to me; 10 years ago Brunswick sardines were good because they were small wild sardines; there was something like 8 in a can. But now these are very expensive so Brunswick switched to chemically grown super big sardines, (the quickest to grow in their vats, like the rose salmon), they barely fit 4 in a can and they're far from as good.

I could go fishing but it has become too expensive too, almost all the lakes are controlled by the rich or gangs, and many have become controlled exploitations. I would need a fishing permit, a passage right, a transport to get there and come back, only to chase around the lake the whole day not having the right to catch enough to make it worth it. Next they're complaining that fishing is on the decline! What's more, we're slowly throwing fat fishes eating grain everywhere, replacing the far better to the taste wild fishes that twist and curve in the pan like they are made of nerves. Supermarket fishes don't taste as good, but they stay flatter in the pan, the same for people, differently; I'd bet savage people would curve and twist in the pan and taste better than well selected and adapted hordes made to fit, which would stay flat in the pan for sure...

As for clams that I ate once a year when I was young, now they are illegal all year round; you don't even find them at the market, what happened? Are they all dead or poisonous or what? Someone explain this to me please, so I can take a bucket and go get some! In the last years I've been dreaming in my sleep of eating clams I don't know how many times! But I should be patient, they're probably being replaced by fat turbo clams growing real fast, strange, I can imagine very well that they wont taste as good; that's what happens when we boost a property to godhood, the little one full of properties takes the toilet for a big inflated property grown in chemical vats, when the stomach of the clam will be as big as an elephant's, I bet it won't taste as good...

I still don't understand I have to pay 15$ kg for frozen lowest quality fish; it's twice the price of meat and we're talking ocean vastness here, no investment for the fisherman except the boat and some "garments". Land farming is far more expensive, you need vast expanses of land, 2-3 tractors and all kind of machinery, build barns, pay many workers, buy antibiotics, hormones, fertilizer, fungicides, pesticides insecticides etc; it produces lots of pollution and destruction to have meat. An ocean is 3D in its vastness and there are only fishes in there and they're not supposed to pollute as they grow, unless you scrap too much their ecosystem. So what's wrong? Pissing so much feminine contraceptive in our lack of sex that the fish have trouble reproducing? Are pharmaceuticals industries and people flushing too much expired medication? Did we break the ecosystem by killing a critical species? Are they suffocating in our wastes? Are there too many people on earth? Is there too much new long life chemicals from the beauty, pharmaceuticals, petrochemical and whatever else industries? Is it the fertilizers? Pesticides? Insecticides? Fungicides? And plastics, do fish eat more plastic than food or what? Too much radiation from sinking nuclear subs and ships, dumping nuclear wastes containers and making atomic tests? Too much dumping of mercury? Hidden oil spills and the molecules to degrade the stuff so life can eat it? All of this together? It may even be possible that we broke the life momentum of the oceans; what if the oceans were just at a fraction their life bearing capacity before we started exploiting and polluting them? If we had taken care of them, maybe their capacity would have increased, not decreased, and today we'd feed far more people from them, but instead we lowered their capacity? Lowering their potential too? Their diversity? And it may be fantastically difficult to grow it back with the limits we imposed to oceans with pollution, and worse.

It may be "easy" to control and deal with things on lands, but oceans contain as much ecosystem strength, if not more than what is possible on lands, and all we have to protect the oceans is inefficient Greenpeace and scientists making observations on the result of their earlier discoveries and the use that was made of these. The ocean is more than a pool of fishes which we minimally must let reproduce like a zoo of diversity for our enjoyment; if we are to eat some tomorrow, or even survive, we'll have to take care of oceans a lot more. If we start to lose them, it's the beginning of the end for us too, its potential, with our presence should increase (one of the reasons we exist is to help life), but we're doing the contrary with our ego attitude, lowering it to a minimum. But don't worry, industrials profiteers manipulators will say I'm wrong because we'll start to dump (they'll escape) our fat genetic fishes, and sell ocean like lands where you exploit the water for profits to produce quick fish that will pollute like beef, and peoples not born will deal well with the problem, just dream of the science on T.V.

The problem is that there is no land to sip in or filter production pollution, you're direct at the last step, even if you're always many years away from ocean wide visual disaster, enough for profiteers to make millions. The way we're going someday we'll have chemical oceans, maybe not, besides, we could recycle them; fuel our cars with recycled ocean water...I'd have nothing against such a planet if it worked, I'd surely visit it, but I don't believe it's the destiny of life on earth.

And don't tell me mercury appears in the oceans by magic, that it's a natural thing growing on the bottom of the ocean, then get transmitted to the whole food chain. The ocean is not a producer of pollutants, humans are, there are many fishes so toxic we can't eat them anymore, you can't go fishing in there without a precise map of what you can eat, it's too risky, even ridiculous; you'd have to test the fish in a laboratory before knowing if it is tolerable to eat! When was the last time you've eaten a tuna steak as big as your plate? A 800 lbs tuna was not a rare thing 25 years ago, and they were not loaded with mercury, and now, not only do we have a hard time finding a 200 lbs tuna, but we can't eat most of them because they're too toxic; we're lucky they don't grow big anymore...

If we follow the stupid logic, it would mean the ocean produces mercury "naturally" and continually, forever more, invading all food chains until the end of life on earth by intoxication in mercury, and the earth waited millions of years producing healthy fishes before deciding it was time to produce mercury? Industrialists, particularly the war machine and petroleum at all sauces produce mercury, not "nature". And can't we live without mercury? It should not be needed except for science, replacements for human uses can surely be made (slightly more expensively, probably...), as is the case of many dangerous chemicals (I know mercury is not a chemical) industrialists don't care dumping in the ocean at the tons, unless it dirties their "green" image. And pray tell me what do you do when you want to discard by the tons such poisons, passed date pharmaceuticals and corrupt chemicals? Shoot the stuff in space? Spend billions stashing them forever in leaking tanks? You dump it in the ocean, the same thing you do with a lot of nuclear wastes, and those are surely not mine... I consume a minimum of energy BTW, I don't need a nuclear power plant, I'm poor, not rich.

We have many examples of that in my little corner of the planet, Montreal was made by dumping mountains of pollutants in water and its sole presence is a cancer on the ST-Laurence, we dumped boatful of BPC's in there too, even loads of anthrax in closed barrels, this stuff lasts over a hundred years and is hard to destroy, what will happen when the barrels get rusted? And why was it made near Quebec City? Canadian government, they may just know the spot and drop a mine there if we do something bad... The ocean is the perfect dump for the most terrible toxins produced by governments, pharmaceutical industries, the army, beauty industries, etc, a dump where monsters disappear. And since everything starts from the ground, that our pollution end-up in the ground and that a lot of it sips to the ocean, you can bet fishes are in troubles; don't think the earth is a filter of pollution, it is, for some time, but someday the saturation will spread massive pollution everywhere.

That's the way to go for ego people, they don't care about the future, and they invented Kyoto just for their image; how much money are you ready to pay for the best beauty cream rich woman? I've got one here that can hide a decomposing face! For me, Kyoto is exactly that, and that's why the most "powerful" country of the world didn't sign it; it was too expensive for the positive effect to their image, they would ruin themselves buying containers ships of the cream! And only the most rich can make the calculation that it is worth it for their piece of territory...

Yet, I won't pass the fact that there are countries truly making efforts with conscience. Still, it's a country specific thing, while many pollutants roam the whole of the oceans; another black eye for country nationalism cultural competition. Some countries have stopped production of some very dangerous chemicals 30 years ago (us) and they are still found in large quantities on the floor of the ocean; it was good for our image, but the governmentally funded company just switched production to another country and it is dumping those heavy pollutants right now, and more than ever, along with recent ones far more dangerous! So do governments or industrialists really care? Only if it embellishes their image; monsters like to hide behind saintly white images, like Democracy that is a white coat on the Capitalism monster... But enough, there are so many examples it's become pathetic...find some, and I don't know what Canada is waiting for to clean their image by stopping asbestos production they export to poorer countries while knowing very well it is causing mass death, they're probably waiting for their image to get dirty enough, stashing profits as much as possible while they can...Canada is making itself a reputation there, stripping the world of resources in heavy pollution for profits, they stop and a few years later they publicize their image of royal saints of nature while pointing fingers at polluters in other countries...

Kyoto it is still only working on a facet of pollution, and it is a joke at it, just to close the mouth of the selection, like they're working hard on it while they do only fool in country competition trying to be the one that will profit the most from it, or for the bosses of the Democracy-Capitalism business to last their shift and get a fat pension. So no true good will. And after Kyoto fails, they'll invent another thing that will let another 10 years pass while people are blinded by babbling politicians in country competition, as always, and it will fail again, and after it will be too late, thank to rich politicians manipulators, we'll be in 2020 without a good tangent while other worse pollution problems will start showing; good for another expensive round of political incompetence (I'm ready to bet that if we had taken the money necessary for them to meet continually in luxury while looking tired (you can get tired babbling, don't worry), we'd already be getting some positive results. And I'm not saying that we'll die in 2020, I'm saying that we must gain control fast on the tangent instead of still worsening the problem until millions of peoples are in grave troubles from it, or life is... We may live well enough with current levels of pollution, but if we cumulate double that then maybe we won't be as comfortable, and it applies to the whole planet that may go nuts and to life ecosystems that won't cope, and they're already on fast decline. But at least they're good on finding bitching opportunities to spend billions sending armies playing in this mess or that...Always have an enemy, it's a fundamental principle of the country competition, and it is a way to keep the population obeying and thinking they are deciding things, but it is a philosophy of evil manipulators competing evil; how many got to power singing they are fighting evil in another country or that? All the worst manipulators did the trick, and don't think Democrats are beyond this bloodshed in the name of being the "god" of the place. I should add that the degenerating climate can be an excellent justification to find enemies and slowly start WW3 if need be, to kill most people except the true responsible...

Then there is living space. Like everybody, I like a well-made apartment, but getting such a place to live a long time in peace seems impossible. Having a place to live is not a basic need; it's a money making and profit stashing industry. A 31/2 is worth 800$ and higher in my place and then they say; "see, it's not so expensive beside these places!" while showing hosing market charts. They don't build apartments to house people, they build them for profit, and when they want more money, they choke the market for a few years building almost nothing until the market is in crisis, then they increase the price 50-150$ a month so the "middle" class spend their increase in basic salary to continue getting apartments and the poorer gets more ruin; apartments that stay clean only a few months after the paint is fresh, that way the proprietors can lament that they're not making profits, or that the locators are running away without paying, leaving behind a dirty apartment... But my experience tells me that they would be better demolish most of those buildings. And sorry for the many proprietors who seems to have no notions of what is an appropriate place for people to live in, and no notions of how to make money since they always lament they make none; why are they buying those buildings if they don't make profits? And I'll add that at 800$ a month, someone must make a profit somewhere, don't take me for an imbecile, even if two apartments were never rented, there would still be profits to be made at this price, so who take those profits?

I passed a few months in the streets without an apartment because of such a "crisis", until a governmental organization that buys old buildings barely worth repairing found me a place to live in. I've been living in such places for some time now, and they can't last a year without showing evident signs of decomposition and I hate passing my time calling for repairs, and I hate it even more when it's an organization run by people who jump on any opportunity of a misunderstanding to charge funky fees. And it is worthless protesting to "La regie du logement" since both lodging institutions lick each other's asses, but there are no proofs they invite each other to diner, but you get the feeling from the way they work so well together... Nobody protest any decision from them anymore, a waste of time and a ridiculous masquerade.

They were cool at the beginning, I think they made a lot of experiments too, but things degenerated quickly, and now they don't care, it's just numbers, and they decide your life at the ax. They gave me two choices of a place to live when they "saved me"; if I didn't accept the first one so I was forced to accept the second one or I was back in the streets. My first one was a place that you simply can't live in; I think they eliminated my only choice on purpose. It was a humid stinking basement with a gray carpet all over, yellow stuff was dripping from the ceiling in the sink, the bathroom had ceramics holding in place with tape and when you removed it, you had a hole to see in the other apartment...The toilet barely worked, the thermostats sparked etc. Now, wherever I move, I have no choice but to endure the place they dump me in because I refused to live in that first apartment.

To complain about my present apartment, it is far better, almost ok, but I still don't like it; it's full of insects and moistures, I'm on foot and everything is far away, I'm near a wood industry that stink and rain toxic soot all around, I'm flush level with the St-Laurence river, and I'm sure to disappear if someone throws a match at these gigantic petroleum tanks... I'm exaggerating with the match thing, more like a tomahawk...The apartment stink in itself, it is contrary than soundproof. The floor had to be replaced and they guaranteed that it would be beautiful; they replaced it with white tiling with ugly brown spots all over and I never had a word to say about it. I never saw something that ugly, except the old gray carpeting that was there before! What is this gray carpeting mania anyway? They put this horror everywhere! It's good to camouflage insects I guess. Next, I've got rose counters, rose man! Can you believe that?

Apart from that, they were supposed to replace the floor of the bathroom which is an ugly brown ceramic tiling bloated with water and cracked all over. They came and scraped the rose ceramic wall around the shower which was all right, worsening it, while the floor was never repaired and that's the sole thing I asked for. I called them, I went there to tell them, I wrote them about it, I called their decorator of service; all to no avail. I'm not motivated to keep this place clean, it's a plaster camp that is too white for its truth, and those insects are really becoming a problem, I don't like watching if I'm not stepping on one, and I don't like to go to bed with doubts.

In my last apartment I tried arachnid warfare on them. I slowly raised a population of a dozen different spiders, but they were not gourmand spiders, they were survival spiders; they ate a few mini mosquitos and gave birth to one or 2 surviving spiders; it went nowhere. I had a few ones with a chasing attitude though; they ran around the place on walls but I never saw them catch something, the same for the fisherman spider; this one lowered and raised itself from the ceiling while leaving an extremely fine 2 meter long line in air currents, but I never saw one catch something. I abandoned when I spotted a barely noticeable baby lowering itself in my cooking pan, I don't do that because I need food you know...They even dropped a bomb in the crack of my screen, I had little spiders fooling around my text for weeks, so I'll do without your added troubles.

Maybe we'll have to develop self-rechargeable (go back to source) solar or microwave powered battle arachnids to whom you feed an insect list to kill in a house. It's utopist, and life is so better, and so...available, but robot warfare would be real cool, specific to us, surgical, just don't bug humans...insects, and no toxic powder in every corners, and quite a challenge to them too; think about the new masters of the place... Anyway, that's kind of far away in time, such robots will be built to kill people as a priority long before cleaning my apartment, then they'll say the technology comes from military research and we should thank and admire them... We should really think seriously about it since you can make the antibiotic equivalent effect on the insect world. But we already got a big start at this, no? It may be why there is a big insect surge in apartments; we're making enemies, we destroyed too many of their ecosystems, took too much space, and now the space is in our apartments. Maybe they'll try to take over the world if we're too incompetent, replacing us with an ant kind of civilization. maybe it's within life possibilities, maybe while we do war machines as the way to force cultural traits, we're developing (life) the formulae for a totally new high consciousness form along with the appropriate life ecosystems modifications to make it thrive, unconsciously, as life systemize the information coming from us, as one of its sense. Probably not, I think we're too perfect, it would probably not be a giant insect anyway, too limited, probably intentionally by universal laws since it should already have been proven wrong very long ago, too ugly too. Anyway, it would be a million years away of a better environment to them, but we may be creating that environment too... And yes dinosaurs existed, and they didn't imagine the human, maybe, in an indirect way, by experiencing the earth. I mean, you don't know what form life can take, and if your path is unfairness, then you can be completed by something fitting your philosophy until you leave the earth to the superior race, which can take any form. Maybe it will happen if we don't care for the human form any better than insects care for themselves, or if our reproduction philosophy is no better. A certain level of death is always justified with small things counted by the trillions we crush by inadvertence... Now, we can do like we always did too; be the destroyers of them all, take space to eliminate both insects and animals, then panic, grow a heart and cry when they're almost extinct, but I prefer people who are apt enough to control animal populations and who understand that we don't replace wild life qualities and diversity with the giant cow or the single property. I'm not sure there's an extinction problem of the insect world though, but that may change quickly, so I wouldn't say I'm paranoid. I still don't like them "bugging" me or strolling around within my field of view, and I'll only be happy when robots or effective traps exist. Some pets could do the job but you'll never let your pet running around eating insects, you'll buy it a bag of food instead, since most people don't like seeing life munching at living things; or maybe we could teach them to close their mouth when they eat, but that's a long stretch of education since for now they prefer to bathe in their face full, walk in it and shit along the way...

Almost all the apartments I had in the last 10 years had insect problems, different ones I've never seen before, some of which are probably "exotic" importations, other are squarely "social reformulations" of wild versions I met in my youth. And don't come at me with an expert saying they existed before; do you have a widespread book describing them in detail? Don't think people will miss an opportunity to talk about or describe very well the insects they hate. Experts, even scientists, don't have much credibility these days, or I could say they're trying to become politicians... When you can't trust science you can't trust anything, and in such a mess you'll be good for the hospice, or hell.

I notice because I liked playing with insects when I was young, they were my friends, kind of, a fascination too. One of my main fun as a young boy was to run everywhere looking under every rocks, seeking the blue spot salamander, or the yellow spotted one that is fatter, I think there is a white spotted one too, lizards of all kind, some that look like little dinosaurs, they are not insects but they're in the same size category. The most terrible insect I met is a violent white worm big as a thumb with legs and dangerous weaponry both end, you just touch it and it snap at your finger in a circle drawing blood through pincers almost as big as cats claws, surprise! You wanted to catch the little monster, but it's it that catches you. I guess salamanders are better carrying spare tails... And to think some insects can infuse one with pure pain in a fraction of a second like a bee...insects are freaks, you don't want them your size for a fistfight of more effective infusions and fluid absorptions...

As for the worm, I caught one and put it in a 5 gallon with an environment. If I remember well the thing can live in water as well as on land and it simply destroys all life point. You can drop a hundred frogs its size and it will make a mega massacre, chopping legs, opening stomachs, sucking blood and to hell with tomorrow. I think I read in a book that after tiring of so much meat and drinking of blood, it transforms in a butterfly. Ah, ah, it's the larvae of a dragon! And it starts eating vegetables too! It never transformed though, and from the size I've seen some, it should be...something. I caught all kind of scary insects and many were big and ugly bloodsuckers, some almost as big as my hand and really a sight. Flowers too, beautiful ugly flowers of all kind... One thing's for sure, you wouldn't want all those things to start making a selection on size; they could compete the animal world, and flowers could start crunching at people's arms or poisoning them to death, I wonder how is it possible that they are so perfectly limited...

I remember a time when I was climbing a pine tree when I slipped down a small sand ravine and I landed straight in the most violent ant nest I have ever seen; they were fast and they bit to the blood, not a hornet's nest for sure, but my reaction was quite the same. I came back to make a few "experiments" with the biggest rock I found; from the pine position, got down half the sand slope, while I had already a few biting hard at my difficulty, found a good view and firing position, swung the rock losing leverage in bites since they were already at battle station. I failed my surprise attack but no, let's not exaggerate, I didn't fall face flat in the nest again, I'm very agile, when possible, I don't need to fall flat every time. But ants, what can you do with ants? Can't play for months digging to just find the same kind of stuff I already saw in the "peaceful" version, only more troublesome getting there, no paint or gas around, a meteor will do. Probably that didn't made them "lovely" Walt Disney things in my mind. What does an ant do when it sees another race of ants? War, even if to them space is infinite, they want all space so I don't like them and their example; is the worst possible one. I got myself in far more painful trouble with all kind of funky hornets, whole swarms running after me, sometimes whole batches succeeding at giving me painful lessons, but no problem, I respect the sting and the flying...I often chased big flower bees by catching both their wings between my fingers for some interesting moments of panic and hate, by throwing them at someone; I did it often enough that I'm absolutely sure I'd still do it easily to this day.

As for those insects taking over my apartment and profiting from me without paying, I tolerated them a long time, but in the last few years I've got a real invasion; a rejuvenating army. It started with a few little ones in one of my older apartment, then as I moved I saw more so I believed they were there because of me so I made a paranoia that I was carrying them with me everywhere, but I was younger; an innocent. They're very fast centimeter long insects looking like mini shrimps, I'm at war with them and it is evident I won't win because whatever the battle it changes nothing. My present floor is white so I see them clearly and their very little imperceptible babies too, so I make battles after battles, kill waves after waves; I can waste 2 hours a day fighting them with a spray soap bottle, I can kill an easy 50 every days without ever feeling I'm winning. They can walk on walls (not easily) and I met a few ones right before my face on my pillow! They fall down on my head from the bathroom fan too. So I go to sleep not finding a single one for an hour, then I wake-up starting the day killing 10 fat ones running in the middle of the place; good morning America! And where should I complaint? Those saviors that renovated the place for me? Maybe eventually, when they'll be big. But I'm lucky to have an apartment they'll say, and it's just perfect like that because the selection can be jealous, since they pay a lot more than me for not much better, and they have no choice, systemized unfairness oblige. So I'm very lucky.

But that's not all, there is me in that insect world too, I'm life, where would I be without bees? So while we are divided and competing against each other and destroying all principles and love, those insect are making families! They work associated, help each other, make food stashes, shit in common "bathrooms", they're clean, never saw one fucking another one in public, they eat almost anything you eat, they're motivated, no depression there, they almost got class! The worst is that they react to you, they act like they think we must share the place and be careful of each other, they don't try to camouflage when I wake-up in the morning, they move a sprint so you cannot miss seeing them, then they wait for your next move the head in the air, their little children nearby. We could easily cohabit, and there are not more if I wage war to them or not. I think I'll make peace now since it may not be a good idea for them to develop as true enemies... Ok, I won't kill them anymore but that's specific to them; my new law is that an insect is either good or evil, and I'll battle evil insects that bite and do the dirty. Temporary peace treaty, probably, better behave well because this insect looks like a reformulation of one I met in my youth which was the master of its kind at eating anything, but the wild version is 5 times as big, striped yellow and black, like a bee, often with the same kind of parasites on it too. Maybe it is a "civilized" version, and now we're stuck with them since they've got a space... And don't worry rich people, like you Feline, they'll eventually climb in your bed and while I can endure them, you won't and you'll need a lot more "workers" to clean your floor, make your economy turn, more people will have a job, that way you'll boast still more your indispensability...And you'll need more chemicals for your war because I'm ready to bet they'll become as big as the wild ones in their evolution and they'll find food, don't worry, even your boogies will do, the only thing they don't eat is living stuff.

I'm saying that in the name of fairness I'm not supposed to live in apartments full of insects in a civilized reality, any-more than a rich; I'm passing my life living in apartments I don't like, and, even if I'm an exception, people pay an exorbitant price for those places while they're not far from camp level of comfort, with electricity. Furthermore, if we calculate the price in cubic meters and compare it to what many rich pay for their cubic meter, it is often as much as what they pay to live in luxury... And don't tell me to buy instead of renting, it's the same kind of PMBBD we hear about secret books saying everybody is supposed to be a millionaire; it is a system, everybody cannot buy the building.

I made my peace gift! I aligned all kind of little pieces of food in a straight line, and 5 minutes later, there were 3. But maybe I'm just auto-suggesting myself some insect fun, not a good idea, and don't think I'll start feeding an army, or playing with them...

Another thing are those proprietors who are so scared to lose a cent that they are constantly on people's backs trying to watch any little mistakes they could make. I hardly had a proprietor that didn't put his nose one way or another in my personal life; if you are not fitting one of their stereotypes or another, then you're stuck with their sniffing nose up your ass trying to enter your place! What is this? Some Gestapo? And I live alone so I don't see the use of living in my apartments all dressed, particularly when I got a knock on my door once or twice a month, so when I enter my place I undress, I don't even sleep with a blanket. You may say I'm a nudist and add it to my ever growing panoply of mental distresses, I make a collection, nobody's affected negatively and mine is affected positively in all kind of ways! And it doesn't mean I like it public, try to gang or get more adepts, in fact if I had a girlfriend I'd mostly be dressed at home.

When someone knocks on my door I got to shout to that person to wait a little; I should have the time to get dressed since I should not be under pressure as I'm no criminal that must open fast to an authority behind my door, (Canada pot are real assholes at that, they act like they are the police, someone paid an exorbitant amount to send me this express post, a part of the reason is that you can wait 15 seconds, 15 seconds!). Most don't have the patience to wait and it's a good thing since the only people knocking seems to be religious crackpots, sect's preachers and chocolate kids; never a nice girl... I kick out indoctrinated preachers with insults and I don't have money for chocolate kids. I don't even like the idea of chocolate kids, I feel like kids are used to bum my money, like I'm a heartless person that must be remembered to use its money for a good cause, or that I need to be made more sensitive in my insensitivity while stuffing candy...

I understand a crappy reality doesn't care bumming at all sauce its exploited and manipulated selection that want to keep as much of the transformed result of their life energy as they can, particularly when a lot is stolen through unfair laws, but for me, where there's a bum there's a problem! And in a sense, I'm a bum, and you don't bum bummers. Now, if the reality is a problem we're in deep troubles as we depend from profiting structures or problems that are not systemized out of bumming space. We're lucky good people associate (people always do, no need for you) and take the means to help, not free, but at an expenditure of more human life energy... Chocolate kids fit in that category; the systematization is supposed to give people the means to direct some of their money to places they want, exactly like imposed publicity that should be categorized and chosen by people, but this reality is so low that it profits from and is dependent of many such pressures and help "invested" free; remove the voluntaries who think themselves good because they like to patch the best system for ego people free, and the whole economy will crumble. We're very cheap somewhere, and lying when we say we "love" our children if their institutions need to send them bumming people, that's what I say.

That leaves one type of person to knock on my door; proprietors and their collectors. They're always there precisely the first of every months like they've been waiting and thinking about this day all month long. One came to be frustrated to just wait a little more before getting his money, I didn't like him and people I don't like are sure to never enter my place, so he had to wait in the corridor. Mr. thought I was hiding something; he found it bizarre that I was always alone (don't worry, your happy paying neighbors are very friendly with him, and don't make strange noises searching for something at night, all kind of rumors can spread...), he wanted to enter my apartment when he came to collect, Mr. couldn't bear to stay in the corridor and now he wanted to look if everything was all right in my apartment, Mr. wanted to make an inspection; to find what? A bucket of drug? A decapitated woman? A drum of nitroglycerin? A terrorist? A bear? A field of pot? I said no and I explained that I'm a nudist to scare him a little and it worked; that was worse than anything he could imagine I guess, since he closed his mouth, took my money and went away, I was tempted to creep nude after him...

Next time he came he complained about a big draft of heat he got from my opening door every times he came to collect and that he would have to cut the heating in my living room because I was overheating the place and it cost him too much. I told him that with such a car he didn't need to be that cheap, that I was comfortable like that and he had no right to do it. That seem to work but 2 months later, straight in the winter, he did it. My past experiences with the police were a total failure; the 2 times I needed their help I didn't get it, and the 2 times they were supposed to find some truth about some of my criminal activities, they charged me wrongfully, so I didn't complain about it, instead I decided to just forget about it and did as if I was living in a camp, anyway the place was not much better.

At the time I only had a small, "regulated", tabletop oven and a weak "regulated" tostess cooking range. I could not use the oven for heating as it had a tendency to work well for 2 hours then suddenly go full burn berserk carbonizing chicken and catching fire; I had to watch it constantly when I used it. That left the toastess thing, which had an aluminum elements covered with black stuff and it was hardly hot enough to boil water; cooking with it was nightmarishly long. So without heat in the winter I plugged the thing in the middle of the place and after about a day of straight heating it had reached the end of its lifespan; classic year 2000 junk production, made to end in the garbage after a ridiculous lifetime, just enough to start looking dirty or out of the "wave" or "wow" or "new" or "flash". I opened the scrap, shorted a few wires and plugged it back; now it was working, heating like never before. I cleaned up and went to the shower but I quickly got out just in time to witness the thing ending its life in a meltdown of aluminum lava blasting thick black smoke and green toxic fumes with a coil of bright red springy element sticking out. I unplugged it fast, opened the balcony door, took the shovel and with it threw it in the snow. I had deregulated the "cheap", not working long enough, thing by repairing it. Now I had nothing with which to cook and it was getting cold. I didn't have enough money to buy something at 50$ so I bought 2 oven elements for 10$. I patented one so it would be safe and plugged it on the oven socket with 2 small screwdrivers jammed in the holes of the plug. One permanently jammed in the ground hole while the other was either plugged in 240 volts or 120 volts if I wanted high or medium.

As for the proprietor, I never saw him again. He sent a collector but I know he entered my apartment because one day I got the firefighters knocking on my door saying they had a complaint about dangerous equipment. How could someone know it if nobody enters my apartment? I told them about this while they looked at my apparatus. They said it was safe but not regulated so I had no right to use it. That's how it works; it was safe but not part of the system, no profiting structure behind it so it's illegal. I was asked to unplug it and not use it anymore and I complied...for 10 minutes. I showed them the not working heating, the broken light bulbs stuck in their sockets, a sparking thermostat, and the defective electric smoke detector; these are "regulated" I told them, adding to bring the list to the fat proprietor; if I have to unplug my device, why wouldn't the proprietor make my place truly regulated? 2 weight 2 measures, but everything is like that as the foundation of this reality is made of injustice, so he never did repair anything. I'm supposed to pay and do it myself? I can't pay an electrician professional. I could get an expensive permit to "play" in electric wires, but some people have monopoly on the matter, even if I have a electronic diploma which is harder to get as you learn everything from electricity to the inside of chips and programming...

So if I can't use my device I must die? I'm just a stupid taxpayer living in a building making 20 times its size in profits? But at least it was the end of my fight for that apartment as I was just a few months away from moving to another place. My home made heating and cooking device would follow me for 3 years until I could have an oven, at which point it is my fridge that busted, and since it was old beyond worth 100$, I had to condemn it in half to make it work (probably deregulating it along the way doing so...I have an illegal fridge! Want one?), and I still have it like that to this day. As for my illegal cooking device, it worked perfectly well all the time I had it, never failing, never breaking; high quality self-production 2000! But I must say that I had a strong tendency to electrocute and it happened more and more frequently with the passing of years; I was getting used to electrocution. But it worked very well for cooking and heating, and it never caught fire. And I know that it's not the same situation for everybody so I shouldn't complain, I'm lucky not to be living in a camp no? I'm talking about my experience of this reality and what pisses me off, and I try to take a positive attitude, but what can I say? I'm presently writing with cold hands and a dripping nose and I hate that, because I'm in a room heated from central heating and the proprietor is too cheap to heat it adequately whatever I complain, and she's the matron type so I don't want to create conflict, so what am I gonna do? I'm not comfortable, all I want to do is go in my sleeping bag under 3 layers of bed cover and stay there all day long, you think I'll say I'm happy? Shut-up because other people are comfortable?

To go back to my old heating element, the only problem I got from it came from proprietors entering my place illegally. I got exactly the same situation with firefighters from another complaint that was not supposed to exist. I say buy a camera system and force them to wait for their money in the corridor, that way they'll become suspicious and with time they'll enter your place. They have the keys and it's worse than of no use changing the lock as you'll go out to take a walk only to come back unable to enter; the same key you used to lock your door that was working very well suddenly have difficulty unlocking it, or doesn't work altogether. The only thing that can do that is someone forcing your lock, and what happens when you have no money to pay for professionals to unlock it? You bash the door open, de-regulating it, becoming a bandit and 5 minutes later the police knocks and you have to explain the situation. Then try not to involve the proprietor who will want to charge you a brand new door and frame! If you're lucky you'll only have to repair it adequately and change the lock. Still, I can tell you I've passed many months without a functional door, and then they'll complain that the poor scrap their apartments...Why should I care for people who don't respect me?

I don't like people entering my place, I don't like being taken for a criminal because I don't fit a stereotype or because I pay in the corridor any-more than I like being judged by people who discover it doesn't fit their standard of cleanliness. Particularly when they need a woman to clean after themselves and don't know what can be recycled, (I don't always recycle either or everything). I always had troubles with maniacs of cleanliness, my mother, the army; I am not dirty because I leave stuff around! And I'm allergic to doing the dishes; I overheat and scratch all over. The way I work is that I let things to themselves (to some extent) for a month then I clean everything perfectly. So those pure white disinfected people floating on wax will only have a few days of pure cleanliness in a month, the rest of the time will be a worsening variation of cleanliness but never near insalubrity, in my opinion. As for proprietors, if you don't leave your apartment in a better state than you got it when you entered then they complain, while logic says an apartment will deteriorate with time. It is their job to slow this process as much as possible, and a paint every 3-4 years is not enough. The reality of things is that a vast majority of people invest in the apartment and they leave it in a state that require minimal investment, but those proprietors still complain because they're cheap or as a way to get more money or to displace responsibility.

Finally, cleaning-up is not their concern. I'll make a depression if I pass my time cleaning around, I don't even care not being in love because I need time, and when I want out of my brain because I'm going crazy, I don't want to do it to satisfy a collective paranoia about cleanliness; I start a game and play, or go out to take a walk. And the same for my clothes, I have 2 pairs of pants, 4 shirts, and it doesn't mean I'm dirty; whatever I clean them by hands. You think I'll get a job and encourage this reality to buy clothes? Even a car? That all there is to life is appearances? I'm inverted; I prefer to be clean in my soul! I prefer to drive myself than to drive a car! And my place is my place, it doesn't affect anybody negatively what I do in it so leave me be! And if you want me to be more motivated to keep my place cleaner, then stop making money from keeping alive old blocks; destroy them and build anew, it's supposed to be in part the use of those profits, that way you'll rent me a place that don't deteriorate or get invaded by insects a few months after the paint is dry. It's still not that bad, there are far worse places too, and today's construction cannot compare to blocks built almost 100 years ago, but the priority is more people, and people are only worth the money they bring in your pockets, you'll buy how many cars to move your ass around in your lifetime while crying you don't make profits? You work by the book of maximum profit, your consciousness is so insignificant you need an external institution to control you! Whole families are living in your 31/2 and it make sense to you? Can't have this kind of consciousness? I guess it's not publicized compassion and you can always find argumentation against anything... So it's not your problem, it's nobody's problem, nobody cares about it so why should you? Besides, they'll buy drugs with your money so you better stuff it...

This reality is not made to work like that anyways, it is the image you project that is important, so much that people prefer to help misery in other countries, particularly those places where it is impossible to set things right because they populate beyond any possibilities of caring well for themselves. Sorry, life wants people that make technology and who will go in space; it doesn't want or need misery, not many evolved principles can exist as systemized when misery is too spread, true love included. All the tools exist for any civilization to systematize fairly, but fairness applies at all facets of life, which include overpopulation and language; if others control their birthrate and you don't, then you'll take over the world by an unfair mean.

As for people boasting how they're good helping people in misery in other countries, most of you do it out of need to prove yourself with an artificial image while your lack of conscience or your stupidity or ego will make you skip no better misery nearby, even while you have knowledge of it. Worse than that, such a skipping attitude helps it! But you prefer to unconsciously de-culpabilise by sending money, or make a voyage, to publicized and structured eternal causes needed by this reality as image reformers, and when people tell you how generous of your time or money you are, you'll be proud and feel better for some time. You didn't develop a consciousness, you bought a publicized recipe that is guaranteed to bring you +1 in something for some time, and you are so deep in PMBBD that it's unconscious! Just do like Bill Gate and you'll get rich! People with evident problems near you are bums who wanted it so much you see things superficially; things are just fair, except for poor Africans... so if ever your locators have difficulties paying, you'll indirectly kick them in the streets, just fair, it's their place and I know what I'm talking about!

In my place they even do it with our hospices when they're full to blow-up; they open the doors spilling a torrent of freaks all over the place! Calling the process with pretty and positive names, like an insane reform...I'm exaggerating, but it did happen, and many people who have been made dependent of such institution die in the streets, but nobody on the news will talk about it, just a bit, unknown ugly things collected and dumped by the police, worthless hassle as long as they have a name. The trick is to erase your name and die in the forest, that way you'll attract far more attention...

The same for prisoners; chocolate prisoners anybody? Except you'll hear from it if one of their "loved" (high profile) and protected criminal gets killed... Streets are a good place to continue the selection, by eliminating a batch of not adequate people through dirt low cheap survival. Like for suicide you won't hear much about them on television, just when they need money, while saying things are getting better, just what the selection of PMBBD eaters needs, while they never bring proofs of it, only arguments like saying they made a structure of help that prevents a lot of poverty and drugs overdoses. Many will end up in temporary jail doing the same too, but it's all an accepted part of this reality; if nobody sees it, or wants to have consciousness of it, and crappy family don't care, then nobody's responsible only the person since it's not a heavily publicized party where people seeking their most human part are unconsciously attracted to, to cry, show themselves and give their precious money with a twisted value, and the selection continue...

I think many big proprietors are very rich, particularly if they have some shady relations with some constructors, good to make crap buildings... Many top boss of property dealers too, but nothing compared to those dealing with the market itself, banks mostly, and politicians, the bigger mafia... Proprietors of a few small blocks are another manner; those we always see in the news, most barely make a living, I bet the governmental mafia make more profits from the rents than the proprietor himself... Most people renting such old blocks are older, maybe they like taking care of something manual, and interacting with people in the action, if not then they are supposed to have the means to do something else than buying decrepit blocks for a living. A lot of those blocks are more than 50 years old, and yes they have given a start to many proprietors in their good years, but many are old cancerous zombies that we keep eternally standing at the cost of the mental health of many people living in them. And they're full of old experimental molecular pollutants mixed and dusted through a history of cumulated industrial pollutants diversity from evolution, a history of breathing and filtering urban smokes of a panoply of sources, cracked and holed for some radon; toxic buildings... But maybe you're better keeping the pollution standing since there are too many people and we're already condemned in pollution.... But maybe I'm complaining for nothing, a wave of replacement will probably come since people need jobs and buildings are seen as a profit source, objects to be traded, so eventually the market will catch up fully and devaluate them, but that can take a long time if the only argument is structural integrity...

And city space is still seen as infinite too, so once a residential building is done, they are a source of profits until they collapse or burn unless someone rich buy them to build something else. Over a period of 50 years those buildings will have paid 5-10 times their worth in cold hard profits to all kind of people, not just the proprietors or "government".

Like many things lodging should not be that much a business, at least at the more basic level, I think many people shouldn't have to care or should not care or don't care about more than having a comfortable place to live in until they're older, as long as they have easy access to everything, and that's why dormitories work well near schools. I'm sure the same philosophy can work at a city scale, as long as people can move every now and then. For now it it is done with big brown buildings everywhere and spreading city space, and related power consumption, at a great cost in fuel emissions and petroleum derivatives and chocks, and all the systematizations of related amenities, car industry, asphalt, cement, water, sewers, power, telephone, commercial centers, restaurants, and finally at the cost of wild life a lot too. The more you need the more earth resources are exploited, and the more the economy based on expansion and growth turns. But thing could be done differently, while having greater fun, at half the price on everything, for far less hassle, but we'll see about that later. In this reality we are condemned to lodging competition at all levels because a big part of the machine is based on city growth, unless you grow complexity tremendously, in big bureaucracy, for the same end result, worse, at the cost of more liberties, because the person that could rent by herself before becomes dependent from an institution to do it, and they'll want to do things their way, with authority if necessary...

The results of all this is that I never felt at home anywhere; I feel like a criminal that has no right to have a tranquil clean place to live for some time, I'm thrown about everywhere there is a dirty hole to be stripped of "my money" and to be watched over, even spied upon. To the point that I'm writing this book from a memory stick that I carry everywhere I go, can you believe it? So don't talk privacy to me, I'll challenge it with nudity! And forget about security, the only security I have is me.

Maybe they could have found a pot plant if they had timed their paranoia better though, and then try to evict me or send me to prison for it! You know as an independent person living completely alone in the forest (city forest whatever...) I don't have the right to take drugs! Someone decided that he could debark in my place and stop me doing drugs. Maybe you can do it for the interdependent selection (your innocents), but the idea right now makes me feel sufficiently infuriated to get my heart pounding, I'd kill any intruder gratis, but no, with tremendous effort I'll just grow frustration instead... But I still feel pain in my fingers, like some primeval bottom of the soul memory of claws, savage destruction, that's how precious I am to myself! Maybe such feelings are the reason people relate a lot to the claw personage from marvel (but twisted to serve reality's ideals, evidently), I don't know, but it will always be a mistake to banalise the importance of having a private safe place for a society that seeks to develop independently thinking people. I consider that my mental state (distress for psychoanalysts) is causing me extreme levels of stress, and what doesn't help for sure is not feeling comfortable or feeling like some raging Doberman will knock my door down any moment to stop me doing drugs because an innocent got knowledge of my crime, or sin, and saw it as an opportunity to clear me out of some jealousy scheme totally oblivious to my preoccupations!

It's like governments who pass their time babbling security to justify their new evil pastime; manipulating people down personal, attacking all notions of privacy. But nothing surprising there, it's just the natural expansion of the evil philosophy pushed in movies suggesting that everybody is expendable except the rich. Evidently, this doesn't applies to my type, I'm unique, independent, and I'm not in it together with nobody, and what I will provide in this book in mind capacities, imagination, philosophy and spirituality, will prove that this mentality is absurdly wrong; the greatest advancements were made by unique people in no way connected with the pack and their bosses who will, one way or another, exploit any imagination from any source to reinforce their gang in the ego competition. What was I saying again? Thanks governmental security paranoia and police security incompetence, I feel totally not secure in my little personal space of living on this planet. I hope someday I'll see the end of this invincibly secure system that stole everything from me, even my feeling of security, so that I'm more prone to their subtle media fear propaganda!

Worse, I'm just a warning away from the streets in winter, and I have the letter with a date to prove it, I write crammed in the washing machine corner and sleep in front of my oven because I've got a manipulative matron on top of me that has the right to kick me out if I'm too noisy, as a writer that need calm, she's that powerful...Don't boost you're saying? Yeah, you bet don't boost, evil sure wants someone like me to not to boost, and stay at the place I am presently. And what about the letter I have in hands? I find the reaction kind of totally boosted out of proportions...But that's the way it should be in hell, the work to build the god society will never stop; a system that can't be touched, can't be replaced, that possess and control everything and that is spying over you and punishing you when it feels like it. So I made the mistake of fighting a bunch of controlling people who stole my liberty to move, and forced me to deal with a set of bullshit social workers who only work to give me more troubles, and with their "police" I was sure to fail...But I always try battling those who want to possess or control my life or basic liberties in hell, to test, to prove, and I reaped a worse situation, as it should be for me (can they say the contrary?). But I gained greater pride along a greater hate for this reality, particularly for my lodging institution that has become the justice system with its police and decisions, and if I protest they kick me to the streets in winter. I went to the extent of kicking myself to the streets in my protests, and they sent the (true) police after me and called my parents to say I was going to suicide, which is false, 2 month later they want to kick me out; they want to be the ones to decide when I go live in the streets, I can't even do it myself, and they are the ones doing it in a situation where I'll die out of it, and I bet they won't call my parents to tell them they're ready to kill me if I don't bow to their decision to force me to live for 20 years here...And it's not like I'm noisy or something, I'm minimally normal and I should have the right to move, and I can put water in my wine; I've been almost 10 years here, no complaint from anybody, why do you think everybody hates me all of a sudden? I want to move! My shift is done, I know I'm unhappy here, and I shouldn't have to fight everything and everybody and put my life and work at risk to prove something to people who are not living my life! Think of what it is for someone like me, someone who fight, someone with an imaginative mind. But my victory will only be the greater for it; mental, spiritual, physical, characterial, social (in a sense), the cost? My fingernails I guess, among other things... For now I collected a few names who like it a bit too much showing off they can control my ass and do what they want with me, and I want them incarcerated for 20 years, that should be satisfying, but I don't believe they'll learn to respect me this way, and no pardon without felt respect, is there a pill to impose respect? Only heavy violence probably, so no pardon...But don't worry, I'm sure I've got one ugly file proving I'm the worst asshole they ever dealt with, and I bet they're saintly clean, so all I'm left with is what I know in my heart and a prayer for life to help me, you have no idea how hard it is to keep my composure and not write psychotic hate...

They're making a fixation on me because I refuse to let them decide the path of my life, they want to force me to pass 10 years plus 10 between 2 noisy older women troublemakers who like me very much...I simply can't put myself in an adequate mental state to write here because of them. What I write is no harlequin, I need peace for 6-9 hours a day, and it is impossible to get here for many disrespectful reasons...But it is as it should be; if the reality can't provide me the tools to understand myself and develop an ideal I like, including publishing, then fuck you! It is as much my job to work in the crack (non-ego), as it is the job of society to make the crack available! That's the pact! Anyway, I would guess some level of peace of mind to be appreciated by anybody involved in heavy thinking activities. I explained all that, but they categorically refuse, they have like an authority blockage, no argument will get through if they decided something about you, they'll battle to the death if they must, so I must bow to them crazy bitches, but I won't, and since I can't rent an apartment at the price they are now, they'll win.

It doesn't mean absolute silence, it mean no provocation, no matronage, you know the type, women who absolutely feel the need to keep men under their control, castrate them. And at some point a guy gets tired of being walked over all his life by older women, particularly when I walk muffled almost naturally and don't seek to boss nobody... You can't place a writer between 3 half-crazy women (up and down, side, but it's worse, I'm surrounded, and they have fun with my files too...) in a building that is not soundproof, I wake-up every few hours because of them jumping and dropping stuff and worse, often on purpose, or having their dog yapping, and it takes almost half my day battling my frustration and not let it spill my writing! But they're innocent, and if I complain they'll clean their crap and I'll look bad! And the philosophy that I should come to adapt doesn't work, bullshit, it gets worse! And I have a sentence of 10 more years to do here! And passing cars with music are not the problem, people are. And social is super fun, but not if you feel surrounded 24/24. Then there are exceptions, they do exist, and it takes a crap of a system to act like exceptions don't exist! Never forget exceptions, in fact I'll never make a sufficient emphasis about them in my book, because they often are fresh possibilities.

So I asked for their comprehension to no effect, I shouted them that I needed help and nothing changed, they're supposed to help me but they act like I'm their enemy, they even look like a bunch of criminals at it, showing off their tattoos trying to look tough, even my "social worker" looks like an escaped prisoner, and who is that? And what is that? They act like they work against me, not only the looks, one got to wonder if they're not building my file as a pile of shit to protect whatever lewd activities they're having in that building. I sent the police after them, but nothing changed, worse, their solution instead of moving me has been to get themselves a system of professional goons (enforcers) and they can debark, unlock my door, and give me "troubles"; they said it themselves when I met them! It's a fucking mafia I'm dealing with here! And the police? Not their concern anymore.

So here's the deal; my life was tolerable before because lodging was cheap enough I could afford an appartment, I could move wherever I wanted within a few years of thinking about it, but mostly I did it around every 7 years. Then within 2 years we are in a crisis state of emergency from lack of lodging they say and the price goes up by 150$, I can't afford lodging so I'm in the streets and nobody want to rent me an apartment because it doesn't fit the amount I get from social assistance. So instead of increasing social assistance, the government decided to gain more control over the population by keeping the same amount (so morons don't burn it all too fast I suppose) with a small increase every year. What's more, they made everything more complicated it in the name of whatever other profiting scheme forcing people to do their tax return forms every year, while I don't have enough of the Canadian government doing the same so I can get my tax return. Just communicate with each other, you know communicate? And fucking send me my money without the hassle every year! Why should I do that? And most people will pay someone or for some program to get it done, but why a low life like me? I should have the right to be free of this shit, give me my due free of this shit! And now that I'm in the streets, a benevolent governmental institution appears to save poor bums like me, and now I have totally lost my liberty to move, they decided I'd stay 20 years here no deal. I see this as worse than institutionalization, particularly in my situation.

That old beast I had tamed long ago? They woke it up anew with a roar, and it is very fond of vengeance, but it is powerless while living, so I'm left with a promises to remember their interrelations all the way to after death, and there we'll see...The same for the one taking care of my social assisted file, she's known for a long time I've been writing, I'm supposed to get 200$ more every month, but she never permitted it, because she's a hardened governmental functionary, so I have vengeful imagination for that one too. But let's not exaggerate, besides, there are people far worse than me in the streets, who am I to complain? Sorry, but what can I do? I'm stolen of my right to move! And that's big, I should have that fundamental liberty, moving, liberty, movement, freedom, understand?

I could debark and make one big massacre so that the whole world turns their eyes on them, I'll die, but they'll change their fucking policies and they'll start to respect people! But then media manipulators would say I did it because I hate women since the place is overloaded with them, but I'm sure there's no sexism in there...the same for the social assistance institution, all women it seems, I never seen a guy, but there's no sexism in there too! Both are respectable governmental institutions! And you know how the government is serious about the equality of sex thing...

They're almost sects, I bet there's a guru at the top! But they would still need hands to cut the grass, clean windows, sweep floors and pass the mop, I bet those are guys hands, probably prisoner's, it would fit so perfectly, so many shitty stereotypes... Sometimes I wonder if those women are not betting on their locators, I wouldn't be surprised.

And I have nothing against jobs or job positions overwhelmed by one sex, I even think it's normal, particularly in the way I see love, but I like to conflict the bullshit of the government about sexism, and expose media manipulations. But I'll still add that a single sex controlling every facet of a work structure will always be a bad idea, control, always be very careful of your philosophy around it...

So it's super agreeable that I'll pass the next part of my life still more castrated between women with a disrespectful and not caring attitude... I almost kicked the dog of the one living under me lately, for an hour the thing cried like she was torturing it, I debarked and shouted to shut her dog up, then she starts retorting that she's never gave me troubles (with a weird look like she's been listening to me all along) and that I shouldn't shout so loud, all that while holding her fucking dog in her arms between us, I SHOUT LOUD? AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR FUCKING DOG??? And you never gave me troubles? I had a moment there...

The funny thing is that she got out of her apartment with her dog, and like an hour later I went to get some milk, and when I got out there was a long procession of people all with a dog coming toward me on the opposite sidewalk, and the first one was the one I pushed out! Upon seeing me she turned around like she was going the wrong way, and behind her was all the procession of her friends with their dog! That felt so wrong and weird and sick, I just couldn't believe it, I almost ran away home like I just witnesses a nightmare or some indescriptible horror, and after that I decided that the only physical contact I would have with anybody here will be in an optic of blind defense; you touch me and you are out! It's just a reflex, oops!

Why? You did not understand? When she got out she went for a walk and met all her friends doggy doggy style, it means that she spied on me all along and everybody knows everything about me here, a lot of which is pure hateful bullshit I'm sure of it. The same for the one above and her fat kids, a super manipulator, I bet all her life and all her family is a manipulation game, what we call a family of "bougons" in good Quebecker, and me I'm like a fucking trophy or I don't know what! All the troubles she's giving me, that's worth a little curse! It's just a shame curses are so difficult to cast, there's limited curse power too, you can't curse everybody, but their optimal use is emotive related, so they are perfect for people who give you big long term problems...Anyway, this curse thing made me calmer, and I wouldn't worry too much, everything is going to be allright for all of you...

Now, this battle for my right to move is still under development, and it is far worse than the previous paragraph, in fact, I believe that what's going on presently in my life is, well, big. I'm writing a book in French to explain, it's quite an adventure about the ridiculous of my present situation, to the point that I believe big money has been involved to fuck-up my life, with everybody around as tools placed there in advance because of their attitude. But there would be big fear behind, it's just too ridiculous, yes, it is actually ridiculous, kind of wow! Who are these morons? And they'll push me to death? It's like I'm floating in another dimension where people are morons, it's me, it can only be me, I'm gaining a power where people in relation to me become moronic proportional to their evil! That's good, I almost thought they were possessed for a moment there...Is that my power? I like it! I want to live longer now! But maybe I'm going crazy, it's just that I want to do the contrary than what those people want!

I'll talk about music to relax a little. I like instruments that are electrically transformed as day to day music. I don't much like piano or jazz, neither trumpet and tam tam and things like that, particularly if they are lone instruments; the only way I can appreciate them is as a caress, not imposing or used as a party thing, or intruding, or intensive, a feat, even a bit loud. If not it makes me feel like my attention should be there while it should not and I hate that. However, add a melodic voice to such instruments, no paroles no overwhelming, just human melody, and I'll appreciate very much.

Next, I don't like to be passed messages through music, I prefer stories, if you cannot sing good poesy with harmony, and that can be violent poesy, close your mouth and let the instruments carry. I don't much like opera either, the same for Feline, whatever she shouts pretty love, we have mikes you know, and yes I know it's not the same... But I won't start an enumeration, I have better things to do than running after all the people I'm tired to hear about and see, even without a television in this invading reality full of PMBBD, and most singers are proud and "loved" producers of some...

I may be a bit harsh as I'm not much different than most, I like most music, I'm just a bit more difficult. The difference with me is that I'm a music person so I mostly don't like singers, and I don't seek attention myself, and most singers come with an attention deficit disorder which doesn't help, and clowns. The exception is when they have a musical voice, or their paroles truly have an harmonizing effect with the music, but it's rarer and not as popular. There are some women who use their voice like instruments without pushing or saying anything, like my grandma when I was a kid, and they entrance and enchant me to the point of pulling out very profound and strong emotions, but they are, again, very rare, enough so that I only heard this kind of "singing" a few times in a year without ever knowing who it is; strange that the most beautiful of voices to me are almost totally unknown to people... No PMBBD messages I guess, so radio stations don't like it, and no feeling of a rich "god" or diva successfully stashing money or admiration...Yet, this kind of musical singing doesn't seem so hard to do, it is no impressive boosted feat, I wonder why we don't hear more.

As for singers, there are good ones but a lot of them I have to endure because they pollute good music, sometimes the voice is good but the paroles are ridiculous. I can appreciate good singing, even paroles inciting to violence or saying ugly things are not necessarily bad, what I don't like is hearing stupidities or PMBBD like the Feline love distribution machine is so good at doing. If what I know of singers is a reflection of most, then I would want more musical voices and fewer stupid paroles, or make a law where singers become independent from the music, like an apart track, or 2 versions of the tune, that way they can pass their messages to the selection that have been made to like it like that, and a free thinker under no PMBBD influences like me will finally truly enjoy music free of show-offs. I should add that a lot of music exists solely to intensify PMBBD mentalities through their singers. But it's allright for now since I aint got money to spend for music, and anyway, inferior people like me are extinct, so you can ignore my opinion and do what you want in your view of freedom...

Overly powerful or aggressive voices break my overly sensitive hear and can even cause pains for days. Next, I don't like talking as singing (implicitly, like rap,) but I like melodic voices. Finally, I don't like ordinary voices that try too hard to be emotive, I call it toilet emotions, and there is an invasion of this kind of singers, they are everywhere, sing crap paroles incredibly bad from bullshit emotions, are publicized and popular like crazy and the music they "sing" on is boring to the point that I pass the whole tune trying to get in the mood before the end; silence is more interesting...

I almost had a fight when someone asked my opinion about his personal collection of music since I made the mistake of entering the subject, and you know how socialization works badly for me; I always end-up insulting somebody... So after a few quick skips I stopped and told him I didn't like his kind of singer and music. But it seems skipping tunes too fast is evil, so I continued skipping even faster and concluded that his collection all had an interchangeable singer. But it seemed I didn't truly listen so I pointed the single tune I liked in all his collection, the only one with some kind of sustained musical beat and melodic track that didn't sound like a panic for lack of imagination or innovation. The argument degenerated quickly when I said something to the extent that all his lovely groups were mentally ill drug addicts making an erection fixation...Now I was told to shut up but didn't, adding that they were there because they wanted the admiration of little innocent childish groupies that had nothing to do there...That got my new friend overly frustrated, Oscars were involved, I was insulting the top music of this reality without knowing it, top hot, full kick, recent evolved shit, everybody "loves" it, it is Oscar popularr! (all is missing is boom-boom and dancing half naked girls for some profit, got to be careful or I'll end up raping without noticing it...). So it ended up as a description of myself, as the one that says it is the one that is, I have no right to an opinions I was asked for, add this and that, closed my mouth, skipped violence and dumped him; got a lot of hard work to do to reach his ideal...Never ask my opinion on your personal tastes if you're a part of this reality, part of the selection that fit it, you can't take it in your PMBBD, the same for what I write I guess, but you didn't ask for that one, it's hidden secrets, cumulated frustration, hate and stuff, all in all, things gregarine people passing their time talking can't stand to hear...In fact, if you don't think seriously about what singers are saying, or what you see or hear, get away from me, the people I like are those who care about the meanings of things, who don't like tunes because they "love" the singer, who judge and think about what enters their mind.

The other thing about me that you wouldn't dare to contradict is that I have an aversion for manipulators, it's like vomit, I vomit when I see a manipulator! So go ahead, play guitar like it's a reassembling thing, it's friends and proximity, and around the fire, could a sentiment of slight fear be instilled to have some closer proximity and wink wink?? get our spirit lifted! Wink wink! It just doesn't work with me, darkness, pfff! I'll go take a jog in the darkness until I stumble on something, and men sure wouldn't want any proximity with me in the woods if I'm with my girl, like at least a kilometer, and even then you better put music loud enough I can hear it...Yep, there be weird noising going on! And them birds and mosses and beavers are gonna shut-up and listen! Not you human, stop copying and learn to respect life, my way of fucking in the woods is none of your business, you have an internet overloaded with porn to validate your insignificance, there are many examples for you, and women are all confounded in their sexuality these days, they can't differentiate those who are naturally competent sexually from those who need to copy porn to embark in some kind of competition, soon their intellect will be back to love fat level, survival instinct perverted into sex banalization, not evolution.

There is some good techno dance, and what is cool about it is that the length of interesting pieces in not hacked to 3-4 minutes, and there is rarely a singer to scrap the music with their stupid paroles or messages. Yet, those who produce this music, like many, don't care desecrating love along the way, profiting from it to sell more or gain popularity. I don't like that very much and there are many doing it. However, I'm not talking about musical love stories, many are wonderful; I'm talking about using love for profits. Love is dying at the hands of a panoply of such manipulations that go right through languages, but I'm complaining for nothing, too late; how can you save the signification of true love when it is thrown everywhere for anything? It has become an ordinary word meaning anything.

Techno dance is not "love" or sex music and there is no love in a rave; it has strictly nothing to do with love and everything to do with party or entrancement. In this optic there's nothing wrong with it, and without the profiting from love everywhere mania to downgrade its value tremendously in my esteem, I'd say it have far more value than partying, it is the start of exploration of music as a whole sound entity, without singers and time to limit it, it is music. Music, not singers, should lead humanity in the future, entrancing it, giving it concentration, contributing to the opening of horizons of travel for imagination and consciousness, it should attach our soul to nothingness, kind of, if we don't see it solely as a socialization and profit thing.

Many techno-dance-dubstep producers are playing music with knowledge, with power, playing with sound and when you hear a voice, it is most of the time used as an instrument without the hypocrite shyness on effects; women voices are made magic. And you actually got musicians like Daft Punk who sing things like "television fools the nation" as the only parole of a song, repeated 200 times! That's my kind of brainwash! All is missing is some electric guitar, but this wonderful instrument is still not considered as music by retarded purists stuck on Beetoven, and that's why heavy metal, even after 40 years of existence, still ain't got a musical award category, which is incredibly retarded since any sound can be used for music. Computer art is in the same stupid situation from retarded controlling people. And yes, 40 years is more than retarded, it's worth some vengeance for the manipulative effect, limitation, retard and unfairness created, the people who had a controlling hand on this matter should make public excuses and immediately distribute rewards for all the 40 years from their own money, since they're probably rich.

As for techno-dance-dubstep music, had I appreciated this reality better I would surely have passed some time partying on it, but I don't like to be surrounded by people too far gone on drugs or trying to have sex in public whenever possible. Some drug is all-right, but from what I've heard from some rave people, it is a systematization, and the musicians like to make it look like it's the music that make people drugged. I don't like the attitude they try to attach to the music, for me it is as much worth a good party in sense, as it is worth a serious symphony you can cry on, yes, that music can easily make you live profound emotions. Trying to make it a druggie party and a sex thing downgrade the true good of that music, I don't need drugs to fly on music since I really like music, and I hate people pushing others to drugs or sex.

Even if there is better, "Life on mars" from astral projection is an example of the kind that impresses me, one of the tunes that inspire me with sustainability, it's an adventure. I'm an adept now, but I got only one album of them, which I "stumbled" on. I don't know about the rest, but still, like everything good, it is better if you don't abuse, and still better in a personally chosen environment.

There are many other such productions I heard that were excellent, like "finding my way home" or "justice" or "dead rock" or "zion", but they are exceptional music since most of their albums are unsupportable to me. Still, I have a hard time believing such music can't make most people fly, unless not of your "generation" (which can last as long as the production of hype by medias, but music that becomes bad through time is just bad music, you place it in its category and stop the hype ("place", and you can have a radio station of bad music if you want, and I'm sure you can make it popular with hype) or you're very solidly grounded to your own reality, which is far from necessarily a bad thing either; independence obliges. You get the best results at fully appreciating the power of this music when concentrating on something, or in a surreal environment or in your mind, imagining, or in space or nature, in your imagination etc.

There are other kinds of music that I like too, quite a few games have good music in my opinion, and no singers there... The ghost album from nine inch nail is another example, 36 strange musical tunes, about 10 excellent, a feat considering I hardly like 2-3 tunes in a good album normally. Apart from that, there is a lot of very good dance music even if the paroles are vastly incredibly moron. But I'll give those singers the credit of 1 good song out of 10 that are crap, like "die another day" from Madonna which is excellent, but that's small compared to all the "sexy" she spread as extraordinary. Lady Gaga too only sing manipulative love and sex PMBBD for profits, but she got a lot of excellent music, she can have a sexy voice too, with special effects too... but she sexualize everything for profits, and it's the case of most women who are singers, and then they'll complain they are pictured as sex objects! And you can bet feminists are not revolted about it, eh, why aren't you women doing something about this? Acceptance? Tolerance? Pardon? Ignorance? Willful innocence? You've got a business to finish with men? You like singers spreading their views on music until people know the paroles to the end of their life more than prayers? Probably, and then ostracize people like me who give an importance to what enters their head? Like Feline they are all pure capitalism products, and they thrive because they are in a free country! But you don't need to defend them, the elite will judge them as worthy of an Oscar! The worst they'll get as criticism is godly Hollywood saying they went too far while itself is continually pressuring for sex and publicizing women as sex objects in its movies. Anyway, I don't know what the fuck they're doing criticizing people propagating sex in public while themselves are sex industrials with their playboy... Not that I have something about sex magazines or sex altogether for that matter, if it is not imposed, it's just that as soon as Holowood says someone went too far like a sarcastic close your mouth joke on those who protest, then the selection is happy like everything is allright; it's the perfect system of manipulating counter pressure totally invalidating change potential except for the rich mass manipulators, and where the well adapted and tolerating and accepting selection do its part by doing nothing, just being itself. It's like saying "we went too far" is an immediate pass for some more, childhood mistakes while the industry is nearly a hundred years old, infinite pardon, tolerance, acceptance until death. The selection have been made susceptible to manipulators in its adoration, and there is no place in the party for people who really care, so they are just forgotten behind. But I'll stop it at that unless I say something more violent that will revolt those who are dependent from the style, because... because... it's liberty! The worst is that they can't imagine there are people losing their liberties for enduring this, or they can't understand that in their "fair" system, freedom is proportional to means which applies to the freedom of distributing paroles too. Everybody could have their liberties equilibrated in sense if we were living in a good system; yes I could listen to good music without paroles, and yes you could listen to the same music with a singer saying whatever he likes. You don't have the imagination to answer the problem? I do and I'll explain how in "Life Reality" but for now I'll need to explain many things unless manipulators destroy any will for change with panic inducing words like socialism... And it's not that they can't imagine better ways, it is far worse than that, their brain is so manipulated to insignificance that they don't even want to! They want to believe anything that is spread as a justification to keep going the same way, Jesus said it! It's socialism! And they'll take the side of any of their idol that can say one of the magic word that have been implanted as synonym of good in their well adapted brains; Liberty! Freedom! Love! Peace! Democracy! Etc, etc...

I'm not saying all singers are manipulators, but I like music and singing as music; I don't like messages. So you can bet someone like me is more limited in his musical options in this reality, to answer those who will say I just have to look for my style on the internet; yes there is something for everybody, moron, I'm talking mass and imposition, there are tons of different music I could like but I don't want their view not only to flirt with my mind, but to imprint it for life. I'm not saying that all songs from a bad paroles singer like lady Gaga are bad, I already mentioned that with Madonna, but for a lady Gaga example, I could say "bad romance" is worth around 70% as a score for the paroles, while "Potter face" is worth a 20%; not good enough for me, even if the music is 80%. As to the why, I'll let you guess that one, even if I know the selection aint got the capacity to discover why...

I like heavy metal too, but it's plagued by a lot of crap singers who pass their time destroying the music with their lamentations and shouting, but it's too late I guess, they took possession of the music and it'll be many years before people can rework it freely without the singer (I hope), so I'll do with less interesting metal melodies for now. Maybe someday I'll listen to some from Russia or Bangladesh or China; at least I won't know what their singers are saying...It's a shame because I truly believe the most melodically apt language is U.S. English (no, not Arab!) There are exceptions like old Slayer and Sepultura, and some other, they seem to be all mixed in their ideal but trying hard; they are ones of the few good ones where an effort of direction seems steady, there's something truer to them, and some very good content too. That makes their singing better, but they're still good if they make 2-3 good singing tunes out of 10. Now, whatever their efforts at doing the revolted, it is still evident manipulation since they're money crazies, and their mentality is far from exemplary, lots of shouting for nothing too, but some are made for it, or some amalgam work well. I see such groups as exceptional ones, for me they are like warriors, some exaggerated riposte to "peace" and "love" stuff, they have fantastically more signification, they are more emotive and profound; they planted "peace" and "love" in the electric chair and zapped it out of existence... Old iron maiden is good too, even if the music is old, far from today's standards, but the singer had it, he didn't have the voice of an emotive toilet, you don't hear voice manipulations like echo everywhere to sound big and inhuman either, even if there is some, and some is not bad, it's the exaggeration, when you can almost replace the singer with anybody that got some practice at hearing himself shouting... Quite a few of their songs were stories of monsters, Indians, dreams, scary things, etc. Rhapsody got some impressive stories too, such groups were like poetic story tellers. I think I like story tellers most of all. I still listen to this music, they were playing and singing with melody, it is a shame that they don't exist anymore, it was a jewel.

I'll add that the singer from Iron Maiden quit the group stating that one of his reasons for quitting was that electric guitar and sound modifications are not music, which is total crap; if he said that then he was just another inflated singers. Any sound can be used to create music, you don't need much brains to understand that, so he was probably a moron, only a voice singing something somebody else wrote for him; that's what most godly singers are, woops, do; it gives them an intelligence they don't have as the paroles they learn by heart imprint them giving them an air of superiority, or wisdom, or sensitivity, empathy, image, they use any tool they can to be "gods" but most of what escape their mouth is PMBBD soup mix which have a tremendously negative effect when all interrelations are taken in consideration; but they surely don't have the powerful mind necessary to skip profiting from innocence...and they'll sing their justifications while there can't be one...(Maybe it's the case for Lady Gaga. She may be manipulated in the name of money; there are people that will go to any extent for money. You must not forget that this reality exists to satisfy one type of mind; the one geared toward ego attitudes and ego dreams, so everything is interrelated logical, Lady Gaga wanted to become rich, superior, a "diva", she wanted it more than 99% of the population and so she became, and now she is pushing the world in the way the most ego, like her, want, including herself; she took the means by using the liberty other ego people systemized for their like, like using PMBBD on masses, and the pressure selection continues, selection that sees such things as evolution, and they can only defend her since it is the selection the most ego people developed by pressure and other more violent means from the beginning of humanity.)

A lot of singer just have a voice, it's the compositor, special effects and music that makes them so popular until groupies are in line to get fucked backstage, which is a sufficient justification in my mind to remove their liberty to deal with masses. I have the worst of opinions of rich people dealing with masses if they are not exemplary. Now, fighting manipulators everywhere like I do you get the impression that I can't tolerate singers, but it's not true, I already explained that we can have the best of both worlds, it's just that the reality that is made in a certain way, so I'll end this by saying that there are many tunes with excellent paroles that I wouldn't dare to listen to without them, particularly around the 80-90, where the best love song have been made, the best heavy metal too. As for the worst music to me, it is the music of the 60-70 era, I just can't listen to any of it, and I'll stop at that, besides, tastes can't be discussed... Shut up argument since tastes must be discussed if we are to find a path for good concerning masses, but ego is first and takes the liberty of systemizing things his way.

Music for me is an intensifier of any activity and I choose it accordingly. I don't like to hear scrap and the more frequency and bandwidth is taken by it the less there is for different instruments or melodies. My strongest musical emotions are gotten from music and through music, not through messages and popularity; I like music, it talks to me, and I like independence and thinking by myself. When I hear music, I invent, I imagine, but in this reality one got to wonder what would be left of music without singers... We're in a free country mass manipulators like to say, and so singers can possess melodies thus manipulating our liberties with their messages on good music; music can't be evil, but evil can use music as a vessel.
