Hi everyone, Charisse here and welcome
to this week's Agony Aunt and it's a
corker.
Thank you so much for all of your
messages i'm really enjoying reading
them
and i'm doing my best to address your
issues in my posts and i'm going to
address
something that's come up a lot in my
messages today
and what came up in a lot of your
messages
is that you guys are just doing a lot i
made some notes someone wrote in and
said sharice
i just spent my life doing stuff for
other people i love doing stuff for
other people
but why does it always have to be me i'm
exhausted and i'm also starting to get
really irritated and frustrated
right okay so i know this is
so many of us this is all of us i feel
on some level
and it is so important because we are
doers we get stuff done and that's great
that's such
a great character trait to have
but then they can also be the other side
of it
so maybe we get really tired maybe we
get overworked we get overrun we neglect
ourselves it's not super super healthy
it's great that we're there for other
people often obviously as parents
as workers employers employees we have
to do stuff we have to turn up for our
family we have to turn up for our work
obligations
but there are some of us for whom our
personality type
is such that we tend to take on too much
we tend to do too much and people look
to us
to do it and it becomes this expectation
and just something that's quite
normalized in our lives
and this creates a lot
of mental and emotional health problems
a lot
so let's really break this down because
when we start talking about
doing things differently having
self-care in our lives putting ourselves
first
what actually happens straight off the
bat is people start having feelings
about that
people feel guilty they feel nervous to
do it but they also think oh i can't do
that oh
you know that would be so selfish that's
not right these people need me
i have to fulfill my obligations or if i
don't do it who will
etc etc and that's all good so let's
let me let me take you through it as i
would a client because this is a
common theme that comes up so
first things first self-care is
really important it's what we all need
to do because when we are looking after
ourselves
we are then able to see to the things
that we do need to do and we're able to
help and support and serve those that we
do but we do it from a full cap
and we also do it as i always say with
an open heart and an open hand
okay so we're not kind of white
knuckling it through
stressed anxious maybe a bit irritated
maybe a bit resentful that we're being
called upon the whole time to be doing
this stuff
but actually we do it with an open hand
we're happy to do it we're very
open-hearted
we're generous spirited in doing it and
we can do it because we have the
reserves we have the fuel in the tank to
do it
so it's actually really important for us
if we are busy if we do have a lot on
that we have to
make sure that we who are
doing it have enough fuel in the tank
we've got enough
energy we've got enough reserves to do
what we need to do
to look after the people we need to look
after the
the sort of unhealthy thing that can
happen with this is often we're looking
after others
first first first and we'll get to
ourselves at the end
and the end never happens because when
is there ever
enough to be done and by the time we get
to ourselves we're just exhausted and
we'll
you know just sleep lots or watch trash
telly or eat too much or drink too much
or just complain
and that is not the same as self-care so
first of all self-care
is actually the starting point for being
there for others ironically
is we have to be there for ourselves so
what does self-care look like self-care
obviously looks like having boundaries
which i'm talking about more and more in
my post so really thinking
and how i how i am speak to my clients
about boundaries in this regard is
we have to we have to set priorities
they have to be the non-negotiable
things that we see too whether it's our
family
our kids our partner our work
responsibilities okay that's a given
that's a priority so we see to all of
those thoroughly
well and calmly first and foremost those
are our priorities
thereafter everything else has to come
with a little bit of a question mark
do i have the emotional reserves to give
to this
can i give to this or this person with
an open heart and an open hand
or am i spreading myself too thin or am
i likely to get resentful
or if they don't show the necessary
gratitude i will get angry
you know this is where we have to know
ourselves a little bit you know if we're
going to get resentful
if they don't acknowledge us enough or
aren't appreciative enough or keep
asking that's a sign for us of like okay
we're not giving with an open heart and
an open hand here
we have an expectation okay i'm going to
do this but then you need to do this
and that is not giving that's
transactional that's something else
and this is when we're in danger of
becoming the victim a little bit or even
the martyr
where it's like oh poor me i did this
and they didn't appreciate it or i'm
always called upon etc etc as opposed to
i chose to do that i take full
responsibility for having chosen to do
that
and whether or not they sort of respond
in exactly the way that i need
doesn't matter because i chose to do
that that's on me
i take responsibility for my choices
i know it's it's it's a big mind shift
but it's really really important so
those kind of boundaries
have to become part of our lives because
without boundaries
we we we will overwork and we'll over
service and we will exhaust ourselves
and i work with um as you know i
specialize a lot in anxiety and stress
and i work a lot with people who've
burnt out
okay and that is where we will be taking
ourselves if we're not paying sufficient
attention we will
burn out and then we're no good to
anyone
because we can't do anything we're in
bed we can't work
we can't socialize we can't do anything
it's you know the body the body speaks
in that moment and says thanks
for all the care you've given me i now
need six months to recover
so stress related illness is very very
serious and
something that keeps keeps that going is
us in our busy lives
taking care of others being over
involved taking on too much
and thinking that we can't do anything
about it
it's kind of that's what i'm saying it's
like it's
if we don't do something about it the
body will take over
and that's when we have chronic pain
that's when we have fatigue
issues that's when we're constantly i'm
ill and have to take to our beds for
for a few days that's our body saying
that's our body doing for us
what we can't really do for ourselves in
our everyday choices the body says okay
i'll make the choice for you
you're going to be in bed sick for a few
weeks you know so
we have to i think be very serious
about taking ownership for this
where we put our time the choices that
we make
it's really really important so we have
to have priorities
we have to think about what's the most
important thing and
sometimes we can be in precarious
situations where bad stuff might happen
if we're not super involved and
overseeing and this and that and
whatever
and what i say to my clients is and this
is actually i think
i'm something that they talk about in
alan on is is you know we're always
spinning plates spinning plates spinning
plates and actually sometimes
we need to let a few plates crash
because if we keep on doing that we will
exhaust ourselves we
will burn out etc but also what that
does is it invites other people to come
in
i'd love you to invite other people to
come in and say hey i actually need some
help
or i can't do that i'm overworked as it
is you know
let's let's let's ask someone else to do
that by letting other people come in
that is actually a much more balanced
and mature and healthy way
of being equal with people
because sometimes in our overdoing and
the psychodependency of being in control
the whole time of everyone and
everything
we're in danger of going into a little
bit of a superior sort of state of mind
where oh well i'm so important i'm the
only one that can do this i'm super
special i'm the vip around here
it's quite an unconscious process i'm
not saying that's literally what you're
thinking but that's
kind of what's driving this as well so
in a way
we need to right size ourselves hang on
i'm just a human among humans here we
all have our strengths
and we all have our limitations so let
me let someone else pick up the slack
let's see what happens if i'm not so
available
let's see if i don't just immediately
jump in and take charge let's see if
someone else can step up
and that might be really good and
healthy for them and then sort of some
dynamics and families and work
organizations can actually be healthier
and more balanced
so look these are just some things to
challenge you really i want to challenge
because it's a mindset this
of who we are in the world and who we
present to the world we can still be
really responsible people and we can
still be great leaders
in our families and in our communities
however this idea
of us putting ourselves last and
everyone else and everything
everything else before us we really need
to challenge that
because actually it takes great
self-esteem to look after oneself and
then go into the world from
that place so i hope
you can take some of my challenge and
let me let me know your thoughts because
this is a big subject and maybe i'll do
some posting around it
okay thanks so much and as ever keep
your letters and messages coming i'm
really enjoying them
and i'll see you next time
