-Hey, everybody.
Welcome to "Late Night"
Casual Thursday.
[ Laughter ]
So, we were planning
on doing our show tonight
and then, on Monday,
we were gonna start doing shows
without an audience,
but, basically,
things are moving very fast --
I don't need to tell you that --
and our guests,
with great reason,
decided that they
didn't feel right,
coming in and doing
the show tonight,
so we decided to cancel it
and we don't know
when we are gonna start
doing shows again.
But, we had written
"A Closer Look" last night
and the "Closer Look" is about
everything that's
happening right now
and, really, the reason we're
gonna do this right now is that,
once it's on the cards,
Wally makes us do it.
[ Laughter ]
So, here's the "Closer Look"
that was written last night
about the president's address
to the nation...
And, uh, yeah.
Go to the next one, Wally.
Sorry I jumped ya.
...and the administration's
failed response to the pandemic
and we thought we should go
ahead and do it, so,
for more on this,
it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Suspenseful theme plays ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
So, we're in this weird
moment, right now,
where it's difficult for the
media and public health experts
to convey the severity
of what's happening
without sounding hysterical.
It's like being the one person
in a horror movie
who knows they're
in a horror movie.
Like all the sexy teens are
like, "Guys, I have an idea.
Let's go skinny dipping in the
pool during the full Moon,"
and then there's a doctor
in a lab coat standing there,
screaming,
"Statistically speaking,
this is werewolf time!"
[ Laughter ]
Public health experts
are warning us
that we're failing badly
and those are the people
we need to listen to.
For example, one said today
"the lack of testing
in the United States
is a debacle,"
and another said, "This is
an unmitigated disaster
that the administration has
brought upon the population,"
and, on top of that,
things just feel very surreal
and weird right now.
Case in point: If you tuned in
a few minutes early
to watch the president's
address to the nation
at 9:00 pm last night and you
chose to watch it on Fox,
you would've caught the tail end
of "The Masked Singer,"
in which case, this is
what you would've seen moments
before the president addressed
a worried nation
from the Oval Office.
-♪ I like big butts
and I cannot lie ♪
♪ You other brothers
can't deny ♪
♪ When a girl walk in
with an itty-bitty waist ♪
♪ And a round thing
in your face ♪
♪ You get sprung ♪
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah!
Yeah, we're sprung.
That is Sarah Palin singing
"Baby Got Back."
That was so depressing,
Sir Mix-a-Lot immediately wrote
a sequel called
"Baby Got Prozac."
[ Laughter and ohs ]
Also, if we're
encouraging people
to avoid large crowds,
I'm not sure
it's the right message
to promote a song
by someone named Mix-a-Lot.
[ Laughter ]
If anything, you should
Cardi B Careful
and, if you feel sick,
stay home like an Outkast.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And, by the way,
by the way, we also,
I should let you know,
have a full audience tonight.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheering ]
[ Laughter ]
The weirdest thing
about that clip was
that the president
immediately followed it up
by giving his speech
as the Frog.
[ Laughter ]
So that's what you saw,
if you tuned in
to the speech early,
but, if you watched it on C-SPAN
and stayed until the end,
you might've seen
an equally weird moment
when C-SPAN forgot
to turn the feed off
and we got to see a rare glimpse
of the president
after his speech was over.
Now, during the speech,
you could see
just how hard Trump
was straining
to read the teleprompter
and strike a somber tone.
I mean, look at him.
He looks like a long-haul
trucker blastin' the radio
and slappin' himself
in the face to stay awake.
[ Laughter ]
If you walked in
on your teenage son
and his buddies in the basement
and their eyes looked like that,
you'd immediately say, "Alright,
who brought the doobies?"
[ Laughter ]
'Cause you'd be
an older generation.
[ Laughter and applause ]
He should be surrounded
by a cloud of pot smoke.
So, Trump's face was frozen
in this bizarre, forced grimace
in a desperate attempt
to project strength
amid his flailing response
to the pandemic.
But then,
after the speech ended,
C-SPAN forgot to cut the feed
and this happened.
-We're clear.
-Okay.
[sniff] Okay... [sigh]
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, man!
He reacted to his speech
the way the rest of us
reacted to it.
"Okay...!
That was weird."
[ Laughter ]
It's like if FDR had said,
"Yesterday, December 7,
a day which will live in infamy,
the United States was suddenly
and deliberately attacked
by naval and air forced
of the empire of Japan.
So, like that just happened."
[ Laughter ]
Also, it's so weird to see
a rare glimpse of Trump
dropping the act of pretending
to be a competent person.
When he's trying
to act like a president,
he tightens his face
and narrows his eyes
and then, when he thinks
the cameras are off,
he's like a grandpa unbuckling
his belt after a big meal.
[as Trump] Okay!
[ Laughter ]
Ohh! That Sizzler buffet
did not know what was coming.
The relief on Trump's face
was palpable,
probably because he struggled,
as usual,
to squint his way through
a prepared teleprompter speech
without screwing up,
and, yet, he repeatedly failed.
Right off the bat,
for example,
he had trouble reading
the word "continuing,"
and, in his usual style,
tried to pretend his mistake
was actually correct.
-I am confident that by counting
and continuing to take
these tough measures --
-I'm starting
to think the president
might be a maroon and a moron.
[ Laughter ]
You can't start a sentence
with the words "I am confident,"
if you're not even confident
you can make it
through the sentence
without screwing up.
Seriously, dude,
just wear glasses.
I know you don't wanna look
like an egghead,
but don't worry.
No one will think you are smart.
[ Laughter ]
This is one case
where glasses won't fool anyone.
No one's gonna see you
in glasses and think,
"Whoa!
Who's that man of letters?"
[ Laughter ]
You should wear something
age-appropriate,
like those old-man glasses
Jerry's dad wore on "Seinfeld";
or a pair of glasses
with a chain around the neck,
like you're playin' Mahjong.
[ Laughter ]
Although, I'd never expect you
to learn how to play Mahjong.
[as Trump] I'm confused.
Is that your jong or my jong?
[ Laughter ]
[ Fresh laughter and applause ]
Now, look, if you're at home
right now with someone
and you high-five them
because of how good
that joke was,
[ Laughter ]
wash your hands.
[ Fresh laughter ]
So that did not
inspire confidence,
but, worse than that
was the fact that Trump said
multiple things in his speech
that tuirned out to be
flat-out wriong.
And I'm not just talking
about the usual stuff,
like the fact
that he lies nonstop.
I mean he got
his own policies wrong,
forcing the White House to issue
several clarifications
after the speech,
walking back what Trump said.
-We will be suspending
all travel
from Europe to the United States
for the next 30 days
and these prohibitions
will not only apply
to the tremendous amount
of trade and cargo,
but various other things,
as we get approval.
-He said there will be
exceptions.
He didn't spell them out,
but he talked about people
who are adequately screened
will be excepted from that,
and something about cargo.
I'm not exactly --
It wasn't clear.
-Within the past hour,
the acting deputy secretary
of Homeland Security
posted a tweet saying
the travel restrictions don't
apply to American citizens
or legal permanent residents
or their families,
which makes it difficult
to exactly see
how this will prevent
the spread of the virus.
Also, the White House
issued a clarification,
saying the president misspoke
and the ban does not apply
to cargo, either.
-My god, this is an address
to the nation
from the Oval Office
and they're backpedaling
like a husband who accidentally
called his wife's friend hot.
"No, honey, I-I think
Janet's ugly.
I-I just meant she has
no air-conditioning."
[ Laughter ]
So Trump got the one big
announcement from this speech,
about banning travel
from Europe, wrong.
That was the biggest part.
That would've been like
Sarah Palin rapping,
"I like flat butts."
[ Laughter ]
Can you imagine Donald Trump
tryin' to spit bars like that?
[as Trump]
♪ I like big boats ♪
♪ And big butts ♪
[ Laughter ]
Also, public health experts
are tellin' us
this idea of banning travel
from Europe makes no sense.
I mean, you do know the virus
is already here, right?
There were already
over 1,200 cases in the U.S.,
as Trump was speaking,
and that's with hardly
anyone being tested.
Do you not know that?
Are you two weeks behind
on your DVR?
[as Trump] I can't wait
to ctach up on "Bachelor."
Peter's mom, Barb,
seems like a real chill lady.
[ Laughter ]
Look, man,
you can't build a wall --
I had somebody who told me that
it was a joke that made sense.
[ Laughter ]
Look, man, you can't build
a wall to keep out a virus,
unless you're willing
to build 300 million walls
around each and every American.
Trump also called the pandemic
a foreign virus in his speech.
It's all part
of a racist playbook
Trump has picked up
from the right-wing media
and it's no surprise,
since the speech was written
by everybody's favorite
horror movie lab assistant,
Stephen Miller.
[ Thunder crashes ]
[ Laughter ]
By the way,
and appropo of nothing,
he's one year younger
than Katy Perry.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Just a thing.
That's just a reminder
that racism is
a terrible moisturizer.
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, Miller and his ilk
in the conservative media
have been doing
everything they can
to paint the virus
as somehow foreign
and specifically
associating it with China.
-This is the most aggressive
and comprehensive effort
to confront a foreign virus
in modern history.
-When it comes to this problem
that the country is facing
with Chinese corona--
-They've been working
on this Chinese coronavuirus.
-The Chinese coronavuirus.
-The Chinese
coronavuirus.
-The Chinese coronavuirus.
-We call it a Chinese virus,
or the Wuhan virus.
-You called it the Wuhan virus.
-And I haven't --
That's an accurate way
to depict
where it's coming from.
-We should probably call it
the Wuhan virus,
so that they get full credit.
-The most encouraging things
are actually happening
out of China,
who started this whole thing.
-Their measures at containing it
have actually worked.
-Even though they started it,
and have yet to apologize.
-Oh, I'm sorry, Brian,
are you waiting on an apology
from China? Is that gonna
make you feel better?
You want them to send you
a Fudgie the Whale
that says,
"Sorry about the virus"?
[ Laughter ]
Here's an easy tip to follow
during this pandemic:
Don't be racist.
Also, don't be dumb.
If we're gonna start changing
the names of every bad thing
to reflect the country
where it started,
then we should probably rename
the KFC Double Down
the American
Heart Attack Sandwich.
[ Laughter ]
Not only is this racist,
but it's also not gonna stop
the virus from spreading here
because that's
already happening.
What we're seeing right now
is what experts call
exponential growth.
We saw it in Italy,
where the entire country is
on lockdown right now
and experts say we're basically
on the same trajectory as Italy,
which is currently
in the midst of a public massive
health crisis and has resulted
in them shutting down almost
every store in the country.
-January 31st, Italy had
two people known to be infected.
WIthin a week, February 6th,
that had risen to three people.
Two weeks after that,
they were up to 17 people.
Three days later,
byu February 24th,
219 people.
Four days later,
February 28th, 821 cases.
Just over a week later,
March 6th, 3,916 cases.
Four days later,
as of yesterday,
it's 10,149 cases.
That's yesterday.
Today it's up: 12,462 cases.
-In the U.S., four weeks
ago, we had 15 cases.
Just over a week ago,
we had 100 cases.
Today we have over 1,200 cases.
-The U.S. is,
right now, following
almost the exact same
trajectory, just a week behind.
-Italy has locked down
the entire country.
Halted all commercial activity.
Just a quote here:
"Italy, on Wednesday,
ramped up the severity
of its national lockdown,
ordering a halt
to 'nearly all
commercial activity,'
aside from supermarkets
and pharmacies."
-Damn. Can you imagine every
store in America being empty?
If you can't, just picture
any CVS at 4:00 pm.
"Hello!
Does anybody work here?!"
[ Laughter ]
"Excuse me!
You, in the CVS coat!"
[ Laughter ]
But, lest you think Italians
aren't making the best
of the situation, think again.
In fact, they're offering us
some valuable lessons
on how to make it
through the crisis
and keep your spirits up,
at the same time.
Here's video of a Roman man
wearing a costume designed
to keep people at least
one meter away from him,
[ Laughter ]
to prevent the spread
of disease.
Amazing. He looks like he's
playing Saturn in a school play.
[ Laughter ]
Forget Sarah Palin.
That guy should be
on "The Masked Singer."
[Italian accent] Before I sing,
I have a question.
The lady with the glasses,
she was gonna be
a-vice president?
[ Laughter ]
Okay...ah.
[ Applause ]
[ Laughter ]
In fact, the outbreak
has already had
a major impact on virtually
every aspect of society,
from sports to travel,
to Hollywood.
-Movie stars are not immune
from the coronavirus.
Actor Tom Hanks has revealed
that he now has the virus,
along with his wife,
Rita Wilson.
-The annual Coachella
music festival in California
has been postponed.
-In Washington,
the National Cathedral
will be closing
for at least two weeks.
-California, Oregon,
Washington State
have now banned gatherings
of more than 250 people.
-Here, the city of new York,
the St. Patrick's Day Parade,
which sees millions
of spectators every year,
is canceled this year.
-United States
Senator Maria Cantwell,
who represents the state
of Washington,
a member of her staff has tested
positive for the coronavirus.
-The NBA announcing they are
suspending their season
until further notice,
upon the completion
of tonight's games.
-Wow. The NBA is suspending
all games indefinitely.
That's insane.
It is terrible news
for NBA fans and every team,
except the Knicks.
[ Laughter ]
[gruffly]
The losing stops tonight!
[ Laughter ]
Now, we're obviously
wishing the best
to Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson,
and anyone who comes
in contact with
or is vulnerable
to this pandemic,
but last night, on MSNBC,
President Obama's
former Ebola czar, Ron Klain,
said the Hanks story
is especially revealing
because they were actually
in Australia
when they were tested.
If they had been here,
instead,
thanks to the testing debacle
we're experiencing in the U.S.,
they might not have been able
to get tested at all.
-The president talked tough
on travel and, in the meantime,
we weren't getting ready
on testing.
We had warning
that this was coming,
in the kind of numbers
it's coming,
and we're still sitting here,
having a conversation
about testing.
Tom Hanks got tested
'cause he was in Australia.
If Tom Hanks was in New York,
it would be almost impossible
for him to get tested.
-That's insane.
Americans would have better odds
of getting tested
if they flew to Australia,
just like they'd have better
odds of being whisked away
on a romantic adventure
with a charismatic
crocodile hunter in the Outback.
[ Laughter ]
This is what Trump should've
been focused on in his speech:
massively ramping up testing,
surging the capacity
of our healthcare system,
and taking care of the millions
of vulnerable Americans
who are about to face personal
and economic hardships
because of this pandemic.
Millions of people are
without paid sick leave
and health insurance,
and layoffs
and workplace closures
could leave working people
struggling to make ends meet.
We should be providing
those people
with immediate and direct help.
Instead, as of this moment,
the Trump administration
is still moving forward
with a truly sadistic plan
to kick 700,000 people
off food stamps,
right as a global pandemic
tanks the world economy.
-The president has a plan
to cut 700,000 people
off of food stamps,
low-income people.
And they said,
"Do you still plan
to cut them off of food stamps
on April 1st,
when those are the very people
who are going to be
losing their jobs?"
And they say yes,
they do intend to cut them
off of food stamps.
-My hod, now, he's kickin'
people off of food stamps.
He's like a villain
from a Charles Dickens novel.
What;s he gonna do next,
take away Tiny Tim's crutches?
[as Trump]
I need those to stand up,
or I'll fall flat on my face.
[ Laughter ]
All jokes aside,
he's a terrible person.
[ Laughter ]
Our government
is massively failing.
I said, "All jokes aside."
[ Laughter ]
Our government
is massively failing us,
at a time when the nation
is looking for guidance,
so, now, it's up to the media,
public health officials,
workplaces, and individuals
to take this seriously,
practice caution, and lead
where the president is failing.
And, whenever Trump
decides to lie
or blurt out something dumb,
we all just have
to shrug it off and say...
-[sniff] Okay... [sigh]
[ Laughter ]
-This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪
[ Cheering and applause ]
So, like I said, everybody,
we do not know
when we're gonna be back.
We would just ask all
of you out there
to please stay safe,
stay healthy.
Let's not try to panic
and let's try to be there
for everybody.
We love you all.
Thank you for watching.
[ Applause ]
