

# Learning Disabled are Really Special Learners

# Here's Proof

### Jon Van Loon

### Copyright 2012 by Jon Van Loon

### Smashwords Edition

# Preface

I am going to prove using my own experience that the phrase "Learning Disabled" is a poor description for those with learning problems. For most the phrase "Special Leaner" is much more appropriate.

Ten percent of the general population has what are presently termed severe learning disabilities. Many more possess lesser problems of this type. Numerous in the "Zoomer" (elderly) age group have never been diagnosed thusly and struggled with this difficulty. Yet many of these have been very successful.

Designed to be of comfort to those of you who have had learning problems, this manuscript outlines in detail my own particular experiences in life that were a major challenge. This is my method of commiserating and indicating that such problems need not be preemptive of a successful and rewarding life.

The intent of this manuscript is to convince those of all age groups that most so called learning disabled individuals though they may struggle can and should be successful and therefore more properly designated "Special Learners".

You are about to read a monograph written by a person with only grade nine (first year high school) capability in spelling, vocabulary, grammar and syntax. Due to a learning disability my visual and auditory memories are only in the 40th and 60th percentile ranges respectively. Despite these problems I have a PhD, was a Full Professor at the University of Toronto (Now Professor Emeritus-that is retired) and have several science books published by major publishers.

The facts here-in have only with great difficulty been extracted from a miasma of memories and notes scratched on odd bits of paper. As a consequence of being unable to compose using conventional chapters strung together to form a continuous document this memoire is comprised of a sequence of short stories accumulated over a lifetime of success.

It may be of interest that the keyboard technique consisted of one fingered hunt and peck. This methodology is given particular emphasis since it was quite common for the author to spend several seconds discerning the position of a letter before it could be struck. Additionally, a miss hit of a letter in close proximity to the one desired was a common difficulty. The spelling check program with Microsoft Word 2007 deserves particular praise for discerning errors in spelling in which the word typed often bore only a cursory similarity to the correct spelling. Thausarus.com must also be commended. This had to be frequently consulted mostly utilizing their innovative "Clever Keys" approach.

It is crucial to emphasize that much of what appears in this book is to a degree related directly to my learning disability. But since there are a plethora of different combinations of problems that describe each individuals own learning disability, this manuscript has been formulated to be also typical of classes of strategy developments that will be excellent guidelines for all.

IT must be strongly emphasized that in recognizing the uniqueness of learning problems it is important that each affected individual must in the end compile a group of strategies that works in their own case.

It is crucial also to realize that person's with learning difficulties normally prefer accounts that are of interest to them to be as brief as possible, concentration difficulties being agonizingly common. Thus in this book specific strategies will be presented but detail formats, most of which were responsible for my own success, will be left for another much longer version.

Without a doubt the material in this book has been if not of direct help, it has proven to be an inspiration to students, teachers and parents in proving that learning disabled persons need not be constrained in their setting and achievement of goals. In the end a learning disabled student is simply a person who learns in a manner that is different than traditionally taught in the schools, that is a special type of learner.

### Mantra

Optimism and unrelenting striving are your keys to success.

Never look back.

Make each day count.

A learning disability should be an exciting challenge.

Set your sights high.

Let nothing block your road to your goals.

Always remember this poem that I penned in 2008

### Ability

The beauty of a fragrant lily

May be discerned even in darkness

Thus achievement arises

On Its own merits

Divorced from misconceptions of disability,

"Invisible" celestial objects

Are Detectable from Radiation

Of other wavelengths,

Ultimate ability is indiscernible both

Through visual and biochemical means,

###

Success is the property of

Human Endeavour driven by

Strength of desire, resourcefulness, perseverance

Denial of handicap and physical boundaries,

Ability and Disability are not related

### Dedication

This book is dedicated to my family because of whose love and understanding I exist today. It is also to the fragrant memory of my grandfather Sprague Clement, who undoubtedly suffered so horribly back in the learning disability Dark Ages.

# Part 1 The Challenge

Gun shots and mortar fire rang out in all directions. Yellow flames flashing in the darkness as I raced for the hotel door. The streets were crowded with trucks and cars filled with flag-waving and shouting belligerents. My first evening in Brazil cowering in the middle of a full scale insurrection!

I had been somewhat taken aback and made a little bit nervous by Toronto newspaper reports, just before my departure for Brazil on a United Nations scientific mission, describing unstable governments and some fighting in a few Central and South American countries. But I finally passed these stories off as not relevant to the Brazilian situation.

It was impossible to communicate with the hotel staff because no one spoke English. So I had no information on what was happening and what I should do. I tore up the stairs to my room and sat quaking on the bed amid the din and reverberations reaching me from the street.

Suddenly the ringing phone jolted me back to reality. I picked up the receiver expecting an explosion of unintelligible Portuguese. Instead a friendly American male voice was saying with conviction, "Welcome to Campinas. How are you enjoying your first evening in Brazil?"

"Enjoying?" I stammered, "There's a bloody revolution underway down here with guns, mortars, running crowds, racing cars and flags!"

"Oh" came a soothing but bemused voice. "That's how the inebriated local fans celebrate a football match victory in Brazil."

Confusion, over reaction and lack of understanding of a very new type of jurisdiction, distorted my view of this occurrence. Such is typical of someone, like myself, with manic depression illness, exacerbating a learning disability.

The term Learning Disability as a description of a group of difficulties in learning may be a poor choice, better might be Learning Challenged or Special Learner. However I shall still stick with the more familiar designation, learning disability.

What causes learning disabilities is becoming clearer but has not been fully outlined. This difficulty has definitively discovered to run in families and geneticists are having some success in outlining offending genes. Head injuries occasioned at a young age can be a reason. Ingestion, by children of toxic elements such as lead can also be to blame.

Physically and Developmentally challenged individuals are for the most part easily recognized, where-as a learning disability can remain hidden until the individual demonstrates the problem in tasks at home or in school. Even then, testing is necessary for its clear identification. Without identification as such, a person with a learning disability can be designated as a slow learner or simply stupid.

There are no known cures for Learning Disabilities. This has recently been substantiated by the University of Michigan Health System, Department of Psychiatry. Despite this authoritative view, there are still individuals and institutions who claim to have one. My conclusion based on the programs and treatments available for to me for investigation is that when not an outright hoaxes these are simply strategies for coping.

Learning disabilities last a lifetime. Thus the individuals unique difficulties are present in work, at home, during education, through vocation and retirement. Like wedding vows- until death shall you part. The difference is there is no divorce from learning disabilities.

A learning disability can be masked by a variety of personal traits such as, laziness, apparent stupidity, irresponsibility, lack of motivation, inability to concentrate, poor performance at school and problems in the home related to untidiness, disorganization and mistakes in routines. As a result, until diagnosed a person with a learning disability can suffer continuous severe and unfair criticism.

Encouragement that a bright future is attainable for the Learning Disabled is evident in the long list of high achievers who suffered the problem. These likely include Winston Churchill, Cher, Whoopi Goldberg, Nelson Rockefeller, Thomas Edison, H.G. Wells, George Washington, Walt Disney, Werner Von Braun, Tom Cruise and Alexander Graham Bell.

Early evidence that I was unusual was a low IQ measurement, letter and number reversals, poor retention of reading, serious spelling problems, poor hand work and poor social interactions and yet a higher level of achievement in other ways. These traits were although not unique, were a mixture that is included within a larger list of disorders that type Learning Disabilities. The following is a list is an example.

Reading Problems: These are often termed Dyslexia and appear as poor word recognition, poor comprehension and/or retention of the basic content and problems in word identification.

Writing Difficulties; Examples include poor handwriting, spelling and grammar and messy organization of material.

Non Verbal: Typical are clumsiness, poor social skills, and generally poor organizational capability.

Auditory Deficiencies: Comprising these are an inability to do as simulate vocal material in even a slightly distracting environment, poor retention of vocal material and poor auditory comprehension.

Assessment strategies have evolved into a variety of tests which now include some such as the Woodcock-Johnson III, Weschler Individual Achievement II and Grey's Diagnostic Reading Test 2nd edition.

A large variety of methods for learning coping strategies exist. These include

Classroom Adjustments such as, preferred seating assignment, working at ones own speed, emphasis on practice to gain fundamental skills, remaining longer at the current level to be mastered, modified work assignments more time to complete tests and exams.

Classroom Assistance include, provision of special reference material, proof reading, notebook checking and material available on auditory and visual equipment.

Special Education consisting preferably of designated classrooms for periodic referral or special education classes and only as a last resort, special schools (often result in deficiencies in social skills).

Thus far some of the more technical aspects of learning difficulties have been delineated.

Now it's time to view what such difficulties really cause in day-to-day living for a person thus afflicted. Most of my comfort over the years has come from others who face similar and related challenges to mine and not from well meaning "experts" who of course are not living the my problematic life. So here are some of the issues as they developed in my life. Hopefully these will represent a typical template lived out in many of the readers lives and in this way provide a sense of commiseration from me to you.

I have a severe learning disability. This problem contributes significantly to my feelings of discomfort and uncertainty in new experiences. Someone with a learning disability simply does not adjust well to change. I had tried to learn a few fundamental and important Portuguese words and phrases during the year prior to my departure for Brazil, but because of my learning disability, attempts to learn foreign languages have always been doomed to failure. These were among the problems I experienced while adjusting to life in Brazil.

I was then in my early 40's and had not been diagnosed as learning disabled. Yet as I read a psychologist's description of my child's learning disability it seemed to be describing me almost exactly. Because of this I arranged through my psychiatrist for my own testing.

I stared aimlessly at the traffic streaming by on Highway 401 as I sat in the psychologist's North York General Hospital office in Toronto. It was difficult to believe what I was hearing. I had lived in this body for these forty years, seldom even suffering the vagaries of physical ill health. Now, a psychologist was telling me I had been living with a learning disability all this time. I tried to write down in detail what she was saying, but I was only getting the highlights. When you live with a problem for a long time, you become accustomed to, and often compensate well for, the difficulty. The "poorness" becomes closer to normal in your own perception. I had known no better in my learning and perceptual capabilities. While I felt terrible pressure because of "slowness" and "stupidity", I viewed my trouble as not really medical in nature.

My perceptual problems relate most strongly to visual memory. My visual memory is in the lowest 10th percentile of the adult population. Additionally, my auditory memory, although better, is only in the 40th percentile range (low average).

As noted above learning disability can manifest itself in problems with perception and in difficulties of information processing as in my case. Typically such a person has poor long-term and/or short-term memory thus finding it difficult to learn in conventional ways.

The major causes of learning disabilities were outlined above. Additionally it has been postulated that males, and those with allergies and left-handedness, have a higher incidence of learning disabilities. I comprise all of these.

Concerning evidence that heredity is a major factor, in my family, my maternal grandfather was likely learning disabled. He could not complete his own written correspondence, this being done by my grandmother. He was a very intelligent man who was forced out of school at an early age for "slowness in learning and poor attention and application". Additionally, one of my daughters was identified as learning disabled in Grade 3. She has learned coping techniques and has been very successful. Recently Also one of my nephews and a grandchild both suffer with the problem.

As indicated there is no proven cure for this difficulty. Unfortunately, many desperate parents have been preyed upon by pretenders, often medical doctors and other groups, who falsely claim to affect a cure. A variety of "cures" have been popularized. These include treatments relating to hearing and sight difficulties. Another practitioner prescribes a regimen of vitamins and antihistamines. Of course, there are a few instances in each case where these treatments have been very successful. But it is unlikely that the successfully treated patient really suffered from a learning disability in the first place. It is more likely

that perceptual problems relating to sight, hearing and allergies were mistakenly grouped with genuine learning disabilities.

I wasted much valuable time trying to convince psychiatrists (at $55 for 30 minutes in the 60's and 70's!) that I was really quite stupid and had tricked my way up. I found psychiatry truly frustrating. It didn't seem that I was making any major progress. One psychiatrist used to sit through my diatribe, head in hand, with a bored look on his face, often interjecting into my tirades of self-deprecation with statements such as, "But you're not stupid, you have a Ph.D.," or, "But you're not stupid, you have written a book." I could almost imagine him thinking, "What an awful way to make a buck!"

"I can fix you up. Just come to me for about two months and you'll be much better." Such was the advice of my favourite psychiatrist. He made this statement after about five minutes into my first visit.

Thereafter, at each appointment he hooked me up to an impressive array of electronic equipment and attempted to teach me to use biofeedback to suppress my very obviously anxious state. This was relaxation therapy and if anyone was overly active, it was me. We made little progress the first few sessions. However, after about the sixth visit, I begin to realize how well it must work. Part of the way through I looked over at him and there he was, very relaxed and fast asleep! Despite such failed treatment, real hope does exist. Coping techniques have been developed.

Coping techniques, detailed in Part 3 of this book, are very successful in a wide variety of cases. The actual details of each coping approach must be tailored to the needs of the individual. Yet when the proper mix is found, success can be astounding. Again I emphasize that "learning disability" has too much of a negative connotation and should be replaced by a term such as "special learner" or learning challenged. While I believe this to be desirable, I shall continue to use, the present universally accepted term, "learning disability" in this work.

During my lecture tours about coping with learning disabilities I met many parents themselves, parents referring to their progeny and students who are vociferous in denying that a learning disability exists in their case. This is in spite of having taken psychological tests that graphically detail the problem. They are afraid to make the fact known because it may reflect badly on themselves and their children. This is extremely sad because these individuals fail to subscribe to and use the coping approaches that are now so readily available. Again, it suggests that it would be preferable to use a more positive term in describing people with learning disabilities.

Another group of parents, in recognizing that their learning disabled children are much stronger auditorily than visually (or vice versa), complain that the children should be tested solely in their best modality. It is important to emphasize in these cases that real life is both auditory and visual, so it is essential that people be proven literate in both aspects. Above and beyond that, there is good argument to justify some emphasis on the better modality in testing.

Living with a learning disability is not merely continual feelings of stupidity, depression and insufficiency. It is these and much, much, more. For most, it is a defensive lifestyle filled with unpleasant surprises that continually rise up to cut down any tender young shoots of optimism. It is waiting for that ultimate error that threatens to destroy all the modest successes and that may keep you down forever.

Over the years, like many other learning disability sufferers, I developed feelings of inferiority and stupidity. In more recent time I go out of my way to avoid contact with people. My problems paralyze me in dealing with people to such as extent that at times I am even afraid to answer the phone. My inner thoughts are filled with self ridicule. I say to myself, "Good God, you're stupid!" Or, "How can you be so stupid? You're worse than nothing." This is despite a knowing that I am **not** stupid.

Much of life in the developed world is incompatible with the capabilities of the learning disabled. Public educational systems are designed for normal learners and despite piecemeal attempts to accommodate special learners, the learning disabled feel distressed therein.

Education is only a small part of the problem. Most of the myriad "simple" daily interactions and duties can be very perplexing to the learning disabled. For example, the writing of a check can become a major, pressure-filled ordeal. "How do I spell 40? Is it 'fourty' or 'forty'?" _Rip, rip!_ "Why did it come out 1968 instead of 1986 even though I said '1986' as I wrote?" _Rip, rip!_ "Good God, I can't even sign my own name in the space provided." _Rip, rip!_

_The next letter was a "P" and I labo_ r _iously scan the whole keyboard before mistakenly depressing the "R". Most other students had already learned to type well without even looking at the keyboard. Thus when I scored a mark of minus twenty nine on a typing test it was not unexpected. I was slow and had made too many errors. Also I had not accumulated enough correctly typed words to obtain a mark on the positive side. I found it terribly frustrating when the teacher frequently bellowed, «Van Loon, you must type without looking at the keys!" I couldn't understand how the other students could do this, when I was unable to type even when scanning the keyboard. Additionally the teacher had the annoying habit of smacking my finger with a ruler to try to enforce more than one finger typing._

Through such instances as this, I began to realize that I was different from most of my schoolmates. When I went to school, the identification of learning disabilities had not yet occurred. Consequently, I of course attributed my problems to stupidity.

Unfortunately in many cases stupidity and learning disability are still related in the minds of parents and students; the result being that the usually readily available and excellent tests to define this condition are refused particularly at the early stages of schooling. Nothing could be worse for the student's future. I am hopeful that in revealing my own success this mental mismatch will be laid to rest.

The Vicious Circle of a Learning Disability

People with perceptual handicaps span the intelligence range. In spite of this, the learning disabled person is frequently mistaken as a slow learner, under-achiever, termed "stupid", or described in some other equally demeaning way. In fact statistics show that the learning disabled are often in the higher intelligence range. Examples of success and high achievement among those with severe learning disabilities were listed above and abound. Perhaps the most famous intellect of recent times should be singled out, he was Albert Einstein. Yet this "genius" failed arithmetic and mathematics in grade school and was unable to talk until he was several years old.

Parents and teachers are often not aware of the intense feeling of stupidity and self-hatred inherent in being learning disabled. This is because people with such problems hide these feelings well. The learning disabled person frequently does not want to talk about such problems. He or she is afraid that admitting feelings of stupidity will convince the listener that such is the case, thus making the situation worse. What often results from this suppressed frustration is bad behaviour. The uninitiated parent and poorly tolerant teacher often punishes this demeanor without justification making the situation worse.

Many, particularly older adults, who suffer perceptual handicaps, have not been diagnosed or have not identified the problem themselves,. These groups of people are continuously haunted as I was, by feelings of extreme inferiority. It is only relatively recently that learning disabilities have been identified. In the late 1930s, learning disabilities were first described in a systematic way. But it was not until the late 1960s that diagnosis and treatment were begun among the young. Even in today's enlightened environment, diagnosis and treatment are largely confined to the younger population. Of course, such diagnoses are mainly limited to the developed world (only 1 % to 3% of the world's population) and this is just another demonstration of how people in developing countries are shortchanged.

What is problematic in many cases is that learning disabled persons become trapped in the vicious circle of their problem. Often, feelings of stupidity pervade the learning disabled's every waking hour. These sensations are usually intensified at work or at school. Such feelings engender self-doubt, self· hatred and frequently manifest themselves in bad behaviour. At this point it is easy for teachers and parents to lose patience. And so the vicious circle is perpetuated

This may be represented as follows: Feeling Stupid—Self Doubt—Self hatred—Bad Behaviour—Punishment—Failure back to Feeling Stupid and round and round they go. It is essential to truncate this circle. A number of experts and associations are available who can help. For example, the psychiatrist attacks the problem at the feelings of stupidity/self-hatred quadrant. As helpful as this might be, in itself it is insufficient to minimize the difficulties that resulted in these feelings. Conventional learning methods usually fail with the learning disabled, and efforts to impose such approaches frequently exacerbate the situation.

Today The education system has many trained, highly skilled specialists in both discovering and providing help to affected students. Teachers can help by imparting coping techniques and the learning disabled must master these techniques as early in the educational process as possible. Each must emphasize unique approaches to learning that work well for him or her. In this way a measure of success will be obtained and the circle can start to disintegrate. However, the bottom line really is that the learning disabled is the only person (aided to some degree by professionals) who can help himself to break this circle. He must both have the drive to break out and then crib together those coping techniques that work best.

Although I had intense feelings of stupidity, I also recognized that somewhere a spark of intelligence existed. This gave me hope that the spark might be fanned into a fire. Thus I persisted, developed coping techniques, and broke out of this circle as far as learning was concerned.

There are many factors involved in the class of difficulties referred to as "learning disabilities". These are outlined in a variety of excellent books on the subject. For further information, please see a representative listing of these books in the Bibliography at the end of this book.

A learning disability is a "silent" or "hidden" problem. Unlike the visually impaired or the physically handicapped, those with learning disabilities do not, at least at first, stand out in a crowd. Surprisingly, even though learning disabilities are widely distributed, (about 5% of the population has a relatively severe learning disability), there is little wide ranging understanding by the general public For this reason, people with learning disabilities are often dealt with unfairly, in the family, in school and in vocational pursuits.

Difficulties in School

In my case, as for many others with learning disabilities the problem first reared its ugly head in school. The following are a list of my marks for a quarterly report card chosen as typical of my fourth year high school performance.

Composition and grammar 48%

History 85%

General Mathematics 51%

French 47 % (repeating the prior year)

Science 82%

Shops (Motor mechanics) 69 %

The main comment was "performing below par-should do much better".

I have honour marks in science, literature and history (all all courses easily summarized at this level), a low pass in mathematics and failures in English Composition and French.

(Third year French was being failed for the second time). This grade spread is typical for an intelligent person with a learning disability. Unfortunately, it may also indicate a student who is underachieving.

My teachers surmised that if I were to work as hard in the low and failing subjects as in the good ones, I would surely obtain much improved grades. I was exhorted to spend more time with my homework, particularly French, since it was a repeated course. This was a terrible frustration, because I was already spending the largest portion of my time on this subject. Students with marks such as mine seemed not to be attaining their true potential. What other explanation could there be? During my public and high school days (1942-1955), learning disabilities being unrecognized could not be treated.

Can't Spell and Can't Read Normally

Almost every evening the dishes clanked in the Van Loon sink to the tune of a spelling quiz. As we washed, mother would say, "How do you spell 'their'?" As often as not I would reply t-h-i-e-r, which would occasion a quick but gentle reprimand. The exercise was repeated with other equally simple words

_ such as "always" and "family", which just as frequently came out "allways" and "familly" At school such errors caused a more caustic response.

My Grade 6 teacher was a task master straight out of a Dickens workhouse. If you didn't pay attention he might just try bouncing a blackboard brush off your head. Every student suffered - I worse than most. If I made a spelling error in an "easy" word I was banished to the blackboard to write it repetitively fifty times or more. The odds were very much in favour of another error occurring in such a multitude of repeats. It seemed as though I was "blind" to such errors. That is, I often could not (and still cannot) tell the order of letters in words. Surprisingly, letters can be reversed even when I say them in the correct order while I am writing, (this problem has followed me to my 70's even as I write new material here). Of course, if I made another error I was kept at the board until I had correctly spelled the word all fifty times. I sometimes wonder why I am not still there, writing out words, because I seldom was able to complete the task satisfactorily. No Spell Check existed on type writers used in my grade schooling era. This innovation was waiting for word processors several decades in the future.

For the third time this same teacher ripped my assignment to shreds consigning the pieces to the waste basket with a theatrical flourish. His instructions had been to produce a report in a neat fashion, complete with a well laid out cover sheet. I began with the rest of the class to research and write the report. By the end of the first classroom work period, several classmates had finished the assignment. Most of us needed to complete the remaining work at home. The next day most students, including myself, handed in the fruits of their labours. Despite many attempts, I had been unable to centre the title and accompanying diagram on the cover sheet. Additionally, my best attempt was marred by eraser markings and other smudges. The teacher caught sight of this as I timidly placed the report on his desk. This occasioned the initial volley of invective that was to grow into a crescendo of disparagements when, after several more evenings' work, the product was still not to his satisfaction. No one else in the class received this blandishment.

Even more difficult to weather were statements by this and other teachers to the effect that if I couldn't spell a word I should get off my lazy butt and at least look up the correct spelling in a dictionary. I was much too embarrassed to admit that because my spelling was so bad I frequently could not even find these words in a dictionary. In later years and even up to the present even Spell Check is unable to help.

Despite writing extensively over the years, my spelling remains at a Grade 9 level and no matter how hard I try I am virtually unable to bring any permanent improvement to either my spelling or the extent of my vocabulary. A thesaurus is now thankfully available on a computer using Click Keys (Ctrl=m). Despite such innovation vocabulary is still a particularly sore point for me because I believe that an extensive vocabulary and good spelling are essential to being considered literate. During high school and university I purchased various books for vocabulary and spelling improvement such as _Two Weeks to a More Powerful Vocabulary._ This particular book consisted of fourteen lessons comprising word lists and exercises illustrating the correct spelling and proper use of words. I tried to work through these lessons day by day, as instructed, but I made little headway despite an intense and urgent effort.

I could never remember any of the previous day's words. In frustration I went through the book and wrote a selection of the best words on cards hoping to commit this summary to memory. I studied the cards formally during my study period, also on the subway, at bus stops and even while shaving in order to increase the exposure time. Alas, today I can easily recall only three (ambiance, negate, equivocate) of the hundreds of words I studied in this way over the years. However, with extensive use of the above mentioned _Thesaurus,_ my writing can contain a surprising variety of words, none of which, however become a permanent part of my vocabulary.

My grade 9 level grammar and syntax cause me to suffer in a like manner in this creative area. Even computerized aids are of little help. When I see the ominous green squiggly underlining of a section as I use MS Word' I receive a hollow feeling in my stomach as I strive to make changes. Many times despite my best efforts, the squiggles remain.

I have always been unable to write in a proper script. No matter how hard I try it comes out as mostly printing and only partly writing. In the grade school that I attended a student was allowed to switch from pencil to pen at the moment he could prove a facility in written script. I was the only student who was forced to retain the pencil through the entire eight grades. What an embarrassment! Likewise, regardless of how much effort I expended, my school work was messy. I made stupid errors, in the estimation of my teachers and school mates. It seemed to everyone a clear case of underachievement because of flashes of brightness in a few subjects.

Criticism from teachers over such difficulties were at least bearable and often understandable, but similar comments from fellow students could be very upsetting. "Jeez, you're so stupid, you should be back in kindergarten," or, "You're a school inspector's son, you shouldn't be so stupid," were typical insults. Fortunately such criticism was not common and as I improved in my scholastic capabilities upon entering university, I became on a par with my protagonists.

Why do I have to work so hard for such a poor result? It is easy to feel sorry for oneself and think "why me?" There were many times when I wondered if it was worth continuing at such an intense pace. But in the long run criticism at school never made me want to give up. On the contrary, it became a motivation to push me to work even harder.

When I first arrived at the fence the chickens would scatter back towards the center of the coup. Soon however their curiosity got the best of them and they would come back to investigate. "My, Samantha looks lustrous and beautiful today, and Charley must have been fighting again; he's lost some feathers." These were the infantile musings that went through my mind as I pressed against the chicken coop fence.

In the 1940s there was a small farm next to George R. Allen Public School in Hamilton. At times of severe frustration I could find solace with the chickens. There was a grove of bushes between the school yard and the chicken coop where you could hide from people in the playground. I spent a good deal of time before and after school and during recess in quiet commiseration with these chickens. There was one hazard. The farmer had been plagued by pranks from the more aggressive members of the student body. As a result, when he caught you near his chickens you had to be fleet of foot or risk a good smack across the back from his homemade straw broom.

But often it was impossible to escape from the onslaught of criticism. To obtain relief I developed a trance-like nervous blinking habit with which I stared down any critic. I remember wondering how many times I would have to blink before they would stop and I would begin counting 1, 2, 3, 4, ...

In these early years all was certainly not pressure and despair. There was a group of about ten neighborhood children with whom I loosely associated. We played sports together for hours in the park and I was reasonably good in these activities. These playmates were not classmates and were very good to me. But as the years wore on the pressure of criticism and the fear that I would say or do something stupid prevented me from forming many strong or lasting relationships. This ever present fear is so deeply a part of my fabric that I am unable to properly accept praise for things done well. This is because of the worry that a big error is just waiting to occur that will completely erode my credibility.

If by feeling sorry for oneself a person were able to evoke something positive I would, by now, likely have won at least one Nobel Prize. If the time I have wasted, am wasting, and will continue to waste in self-pity, self-deprecation and other acts of just plain selfishness were added together most people

would be happy with this accumulated time as a guaranteed life expectancy. Even considering this self-admitted, horrendous deportment, I am the first one to reject such behaviour when I see it in others, especially when observed in my children and grand children.

Truly, none of us is born perfect. I have a learning disability; others have physical and other serious health problems, family problems, and so on. No one is given any guarantees in life. Why then does it always seem that someone (often anyone) seems luckier than I am? (More recently walking through a children's cancer ward put things in better perspective). Non-thr-less I fret that my life would be so much more productive academically, socially and almost in any way made more fruitful if I were able to make myself believe fully what I am now writing and give up the time-wasting and energy-consuming activity of self-pity.

In an odious manner, as a reaction to my difficulties in appearing to have only a sometimes intelligence, I try to force myself to the forefront. In doing so the attempt often places me in a frightful, awkward and self serving light.

An excellent example of this self-inflicted sorrow, which I also find common to many other learning disabled students, is the following.

A teacher announces a few weeks ahead that a test or examination will be given on a certain date. If I have not already begun my study program it begins the day of this announcement. By examination time I have laboriously constructed summaries and summaries of summaries, and studied these through perhaps fifty or sixty times. In answer to my question on his preparedness on examination day, a classmate tells me, "Oh, yes, I read the course over two or three times last night and I am ready to write." We finish the exam; go home, come back a few days later and receive the marks. If this is French, I may have obtained a mark in the sixties and I am momentarily very happy. What a good mark for me in French! Seeing my mediocre grade, my classmate is stimulated to volunteer his - an 85! After only two or three readings of un summarized material. What a hell of a life this is! It's not fair! Of course, it's not fair, but who said life would be fair? Am I going to let such "unfairness" ruin my life?

It might be pertinent to interject the following at this stage. When I see the pain in the quizzical faces of to day's learning disabled students I remember well how I felt many years ago. It has been a long struggle for me, but in recent years I have sometimes even been able to laugh at myself. Many learning disabled people, particularly the young, have come up

to me following a jocular presentation of my learning disability problems. They ask how I can possibly make jokes about such difficulties. I tell them that I have been extremely fortunate. Because I have had some degree of academic success, it is much easier for me to find a bit of humour in what is really, in large part, a depressing situation. Finding this is everyone's' challenge.

Comic Tells the Truth

_Herman_ is one of my favourite comic strip characters. Often it is unnecessary to even read the caption to obtain a good laugh. The characters themselves, in their physical features and mannerisms are enough to evoke humour.

In one of my favourites a middle school aged student says to his father, "They don't give us time to learn anything; we have to listen to the teacher all day."

I found this one on the bulletin board in a public school classroom where in my adult years I was speaking on learning disabilities. A normal learner finds the cartoon caption amusing as the cartoonist intended. However, to a learning disabled student, the message is true. Obviously the boy in the cartoon could be learning disabled. Most people with learning disabilities will learn little if all they can do is "listen to the teacher all day." In my case, simply listening to the teacher all day would be a complete waste of time. It is essential for me to:

  * have breaks in the talk during which I can renew my concentration,

  * take time to rewrite my notes into a more learnable form while material is fresh in my mind,

• ask questions and clarify material that is difficult to follow.

Support and Frustration at Home

If it is possible to have had an ideal upbringing then such was mine. My mother and father gave me their full support which involved making certain that I was never lacking in any of the important requirements of life. In this regard I have been more fortunate than many others who are disabled.

"Jon, why don't you read? There are so many excellent books that you could enjoy." Contrary to what my mother thought, I **was** reading. I read everything I was forced to read at school in order to satisfy course requirements. But I didn't read, as others did, for pleasure. Of course, the simple explanation was that for me reading was not a source of pleasure. If I began a page of prose it was likely that by the end of the second sentence I had forgotten what the first sentence was about. Most certainly when I got to the bottom of a page I had forgotten content that had been expounded at the top. I was unable, without resorting to "tricks" (to be explained later), to follow a story line. Even with these "tricks" I was unable to follow the subtleties and nuances that make a storybook character live.

My mother was not easily frustrated and she was always gentle and kind. But this was trying, even for her. Being determined, and also believing strongly that a well-rounded person had to be well read, she decided to solve the problem by reading to me. So here was the scene, me a defiant teenager and she a determined mother! Every night, for several years she would come in and read to me as though I were a child. She read the great authors (mainly Dickens) rather than the children's bedtime stories from my past. I grew to enjoy these books of great prose and she knew it. But she never said, "Okay, then why don't you do the reading?" as I expected her to. You see, I was really and truly enjoying these books because my auditory memory was good enough for me to follow the story line. Had I consented to begin reading myself, I would have been fated to give it all up again in frustration. Amazingly (to me), many years later I did begin reading Dickens, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky and other authors of the great classics. It was then fashionable to say you were doing so. But I could not, and still cannot, follow the story lines using normal reading techniques.

My parents also held the view that musical skills were nearly as important as academic achievements. And so I was enrolled in private singing lessons. I greeted this new opportunity with enthusiasm. But the fact that I achieved a second place stand ing at my first music recital did not encourage my parents to proceed further. There were only two contestants in my age group and besides, it was obvious, even to the uninitiated ear, that my offerings sounded much like hail on a tin roof.

My father had been a trumpet player of some skill so it was natural that I should attempt the trumpet next. A delightful man, Mr. Stone, was my teacher. He was heavy-set, shortish, but with thick wavy brown hair piled on the top of his head, making him appear taller. As he played, his hair bumped back and forth on his head in time with the music.

Mr. Stone loved to talk with his students and we always began the lesson with a quick reminiscence on the week's activities. He was so predisposed to talking that it was easy to protract the conversation. I must confess that I often sidetracked him in this way on purpose, so that he would not discover how little progress I had made during the previous week. It was usually about five minutes before the lesson was slated to end when Mr. Stone would suddenly look at his watch and with a gasp bid me to begin my trumpet playing. When my ministrations proved to be something less than he expected he would attribute this to my being rushed. Then, visibly shaken, he would proclaim that next week I should study the same passage again and for sure we would not waste so much time in conversation. But these good" intentions were always forgotten by the time next week rolled around. As a result, after about a year of weekly lessons, I had barely progressed through a beginner's music book.

Mr. Stone and my parents were very loath to attribute my limited progress to a lack of musical skills, so they blamed my difficulties on my fat lips. They hypothesized that the trumpet mouthpiece was too small for my fat lips and I was implored to attempt the euphonium. This instrument, which could be described as approximating a small tuba with the range of a trombone, possesses a larger mouthpiece. My protagonists reasoned that large lips could be much more suitably accommodated by the euphonium mouthpiece.

Sadly, there was little change in my musical prowess after the switch of instruments. It was now obvious to me that I could not learn to read music. Despite this realization, I was seconded to the high school orchestra. The notes appeared like ants scurrying about on the page. I could never find my place on the page and so faked it. Not having an ear for music I could not even play tunes from memory. The orchestra was so bad there was always a chuckling from the audience when we struck up. The ineptitude of the orchestra in general is probably how I survived as a member. I was too ashamed to quit. I just felt so terribly stupid. (Looking back, I feel my trumpet problem was likely due to poor processing and to my poor visual memory). This unpleasant charade went on for a long time and ranks as one of the more distasteful occurrences of my child and young adult experiences.

One day when I was in Grade 12 my brother passed through my room while I was studying chemistry. Observing my mental frustration, he asked what was wrong. "I have to memorize this small segment of the periodic table for a quiz tomorrow," I replied, "and I am getting nowhere." The periodic table, taught first in Grade 12, groups the elements by chemical similarities. As simple and logical as this type of grouping is, I just could not memorize the assigned segment.

"Let me try," he proposed. Since he was four years younger, he had not yet encountered this table in his studies. After glancing through it for a few minutes he turned the table face down and proceeded to write out, correctly, the complete table. That was enough for me and I resolved, no matter what the consequences might be, to abandon this futile exercise. Hard to believe that I ultimately acquired a PhD in Chemistry

Academic Woes

'How well I remember her caustic comments as time and time again I made errors in the simplest tasks. It became so frustrating that I was often unable to concentrate and found myself idly gazing at sparrows flying to and from their hiding places in the ivy vines outside her window'.

My parents, in their wisdom and generosity, had arranged tutoring sessions in French. Twice a week for one hour each time, I went to intensive French lessons in the musty home of a matronly, retired, French teacher. To have tutoring in the 1940s and 1950s was to admit to the world how stupid you really were. Only a imbecile needed tutoring in those days. Fortunately, although this is still somewhat the case today, we are now much more enlightened and tutoring is not nearly the black mark it used to be. How could they squeeze four classes down to two? This serious dilemma, faced by the high school administration, became evident during my tenure in Grade 12. There were four academic Grade 12 classes but only two for Grade 13. There was natural attrition, but this would eliminate at most a few percent. So a problem still existed. The brain trust of the administration at that time devised what appeared to be a simple and logical scheme. They would subject all Grade 12 students, who had low marks or were failing in some subjects, to IQ tests. Those who did poorly would be strongly advised not to attempt Grade 13. I was required to take this test. My result was in the 90's.

Theodore Simon devised what was then a test said to measure the mental age as opposed to the chronological age of the student. Called the Binet Simon Test it evolved into the IQ test. At the time IQ Tests were mainly memory oriented, certainly not my strong modality. The committee who administered the test at my high school would have the standard Table which grouped scores into Educability rankings. Eighty-nine to 100 IQ is for students capable of Grade 8 to 1-2 years of college achievement. (Today's-2008- IQ tests on the internet rate me 120 or less, still not high enough to explain my PhD).

Thus I was low average. Following this, a meeting was convened between me, Mr. Raun (my home form teacher), a guidance specialist, and a vice-principal. During the meeting the vice-principal advised me not to attempt Grade 13. I would, in his words, " ... simply clutter up the class and the subject matter would be only a source of frustration." Without waiting for dismissal I immediately walked out shouting that I would, indeed, be going on to Grade 13 and they could count on that.

A moment later, Mr. Raun rushed out to catch me. Expecting a dressing down, I felt badly. Instead he put his arm around my shoulders and said, "I would have done just exactly that."

I just knew I had to pass Grade 12 French. Despite the seemingly insular nature of my brain, by the end of Grade 12 I had obtained a passing mark in Grade 11 French, which, as mentioned earlier, I had to take for a second time. Mr. Raun, my kindly and concerned home form teacher, was also a Grade 12 French teacher. He arranged an end of term meeting with me, at which time he stated the obvious. "You are now lacking Grade 12 French. That means you will be unable to get through your Grade 13 in one year," (something that was necessary to have a good chance at being accepted by a university at that time). Then came the surprise. He went on, "I would like to do something for you. I will teach you Grade 12 French between now and the supplemental exam in July. As well you must double up on your tutoring."

I was skeptical about my chances, but then he asked me what I had to lose and of course, there was nothing to lose. After six weeks of total drudgery (for both of us), I took the supplemental exam. Coming out, I was sure I had failed. Imagine my surprise a few weeks later, when a card came in the mail saying \- "Van Loon - Grade 12 French - Passed 50%." I was ecstatic.

Unfortunately, late that summer Mr. Raun died. What a pity, because he was obviously the kind of teacher students usually only dream about having.

Unexpectedly, in October of that year, the vice-principal came to see me. The administration had been going through Raun's books tying up loose ends, when they found the following entry:

"Jon Van Loon, Gr. 12 French 29%" crossed out and changed to 50%. Luckily, I was already two months into Grade 13 French so nothing could be done.

Troubles Getting Into University

The vice-principal and his committee had been almost prophetic. There were many "down times" when even I felt sure my performance would be a disaster. Grade 13 was a harrowing experience. I had to give up all sports and most other favoured activities that were not related to passing my year. But when the final marks were all in, I had passed every subject. Unfortunately, my overall average was only about 61%, insufficient to get me into Engineering at Queen's University. Although Queen's was my first choice, I also applied to Engineering at Toronto, second, and Science at Western, third. I was refused entry at both these institutions as well. In a moment of despair, I sent my records to McMaster and was unexpectedly accepted in Mathematics, physics and Chemistry, the first year science stream. Apparently my father had spoken to the Dean of Science, a personal friend who agreed to my acceptance. In a half joking manner Dad told me, "I got you in, you will have to get yourself through".

Looking back now, I realize how lucky these events were. Engineering required a relatively high level of math, but many sciences didn't. At McMaster in first year I failed one of the less rigorous math courses, so you can imagine what my fate would have been in Engineering. Amazingly, by the end of fourth year university, I had obtained four A's and one B in my core geological and chemical courses.

My Mother's Legacy

My mother, struggling as she was with the pain and physical ravages of cancer for fully five years, never gave up her infectious smile and kindly ways. Despite the knowledge of her certain death she was continually thinking of others, always having time to listen even to my whining protestations about the unfairness with which life was treating me.

The day before she died, I bought her a small brown orchid in a glass vial. (What prompted me to do so that day I cannot remember). I gently pinned the orchid and vial to her satin night gown, which evoked a momentary, warm smile from her gaunt and sunken face. The slightest body movement occasioned a grimace of pain, but even during these intervals the loving gaze of her intense eyes never left my face.

I was unaware of the impending end and hence began again my self piteous stories, trying as usual to convince her of the depths of my stupidity. Also as usual, she was quick to remonstrate with me for such negativism, pointing out just how good the life of a young person can be if he will only allow in a trace of optimism and drive. She was always so very confident in my ultimate success.

As I stood before her casket looking sorrowfully at her now lifeless body, the funeral director handed me the empty glass vial that I had, only yesterday, pinned to her night gown. As I fingered the vial I began to realize just how much my life had become like this empty vial.

My struggles fell suddenly into perspective. I was still alive, able to breathe the good clean air and ready to mount yet another onslaught on my problems. My mother had finally made her point. With her death I had received the gift - a small amount of optimism toward my own life. No matter how I looked at my problems I was still here, blessed with good health and able to plan for the future, no matter how difficult this future might seem.

This lesson, learned as a young man, has frequently helped me through difficult times. Yet as dramatic as it was, no single experience could totally terminate my negativism.

##### **Social** **Embarrassments**

Parties are an Ordeal

Many, but by no means all, people with learning disabilities have difficulties socially. The roots of such problems often are closely related to academic difficulties. I shunned friendships because of a fear of making silly mistakes and uncertainties about being able to contribute my share to a relationship. It is easier to avoid friendships than to undergo the mental anguish that is likely to be involved in daily interchanges. Even more problematic are parties where the learning disabled must try to interact with many others, some of whom have little sympathy with a perceived slowness of mind, no matter the cause of such symptoms.

As usual, I was most uncomfortable. I looked around the living room. Almost everyone had split into small groups, most in animated conversation with each other. Here and there, but still very much a happy part of the assemblage, were individuals who said little or nothing. They were content to take part by listening attentively. I stood there in the doorway hoping not to catch anyone's eye, pretending to be busy with some small chore. At the first hint that someone was heading my way, I quickly retreated into the hallway. It embarrassed me to have to talk to anyone. I feared making serious errors or interjecting something into the conversation that was unrelated to what was being discussed.

Years before, after a few drinks, I could become a lively part of any party. My discomfort and embarrassment washed away. It mattered little to me if I did make a stunning _faux pas._ Under such circumstances I even found it amusing to do so under the guise of being outrageous. In my early years as a non-drinker, I shrink to the edge of a party even retreating completely to play with the children or a family pet. Beginning in my 60's and now my 70,s I have become somehow even gregarious of nature. Maybe I began to believe a plaque I received that states "Life is too short to be taken seriously"

By no means all learning disabled people react as I did socially. I have known many, including my own daughter, who enjoy and participate enthusiastically in social events. I used to feel as though I am flashing a neon sign saying stupid - boring,- loner. One still unfortunate, aggravating factor surrounding social events for me is that I am often falsely considered an authority on a wide variety of subjects simply because I possess a PhD. Because of this, when an argument or discussion needs an arbitrator with the final word, I am frequently nominated. Never mind that the discussion is about health, politics or movies. In the minds of many people a PhD. represents the pinnacle of knowledge, PERIOD. Most PhD's I know tend to be relatively narrow in their range of expertise. In my case, the situation is even worse. My range of expertise is so narrow that if it were turned sideways it might disappear altogether. Because of my poor memory I know less about matters outside this narrow range of science than probably anyone else at a party. For example, in the case of movies, I frequently cannot remember the plot and the actors' names, let alone any details, two or three days later.

As a result I refuse to attend most parties and have few good friends. On the average outside the family I probably attend only 3 parties a year. These I go to "screaming and shouting" in the car .on the way. Not counting my family, this leaves me with 3 or 4 good friend and about six acquaintances. In addition, as a former baseball and hockey coach, I had weekly interactions with ten or twelve adults who also volunteered their skills at a sports club near my home in Toronto.

One type of social responsibility that I find particularly difficult is events that take place associated with professional activities at the university. Since retirement I have not gone back to the University for any Reason. Activities including undergraduate welcome parties, staff Christmas parties and social hours associated with visits from world renowned scientists were particularly difficult. Because of my acute problems in carrying on conversations and in being with people at an elevated intellectual level, I refuse to attend such events.

I Don't Play Games

Games such as bridge, chess and charades are popular social activities. Because of my poor memory I am particularly hopeless at games requiring good recall. It is difficult for me to bear the unspoken, but strongly implied, "I wonder why a PhD. plays bridge or chess so poorly?"

Excuses, Excuses ...

Traveling abroad as frequently as I did each year to present my scientific research at conferences meant that, out of courtesy, I receive many invitations into people's homes. To avoid inflicting my social gaffes on these generous and unsuspecting people, I have developed a large repertoire of excuses. These include sickness, pet allergies, jet lag and conflicting engagements. I have become truly superb at relieving myself of social obligations at the last moment.

The Loner

Strangely, the lack of friends is not a severe difficulty for me. I have become a relatively happy "loner." My fetish for gardening, computers, electronics, photography keeping up 2 websites(globalwarmingproblem-environment-weather.org and learningdiabilityspport.com), provide ample opportunity to fill the voids caused by a lack of friends.

Fear of self embarrassment and owing favours to others (that I might be unable to fulfill) are constantly in my thoughts. Additionally, I have little patience with the idiosyncrasies and weaknesses that are ever present in the character of others. Unjustified self pity often dominates the conversations of even the truly "advantaged" Canadians of today and this to me is unforgivable. On the other side, the self aggrandizement and outright self promotion that characterize the conversations of some is also despicable. Although I possess many of these

weaknesses myself, I have no desire to hear the often booze inspired diatribes on the advancing fringes of these problems that occur at parties. I have little patience with those (unfortunately,

large numbers of people) who indulge themselves in these "games", ever trying to paint a self pleasing but distorted picture of themselves. None of my friends are this way.

My basement is filled to overflowing with computers, weather stations and electronics. My upstairs office also has 2 more computers. Not surprisingly, I tend to overwork even in areas of leisure. Instead of restricting my interests to within normal bounds, I over do. Truly then, I have little time left for friendships even if I desired them. I still have a variety of missions in life. Despite my negativities on friendship, I find myself desperately wanting to be liked. In conversations with others I go out of my way to insert compliments, frequently making myself the butt of jokes. Frequently I write short complimentary notes to colleagues who have done something well either large or small. Despite this, except in one case I seldom remember receiving any such comment by either a colleague or a "friend." My family I must stress is very supportive.

##### **Daily** **Obstacles**

What to Wear

Each day I arise at about 7:00 a.m. and usually commence my daily activities with a 3 km walk with the dog.. After this I rush through early morning routines such as shaving, showering and tooth brushing like most of the rest of the citizenry. Here, however, the comparison ends. While most others easily choose a coordinated wardrobe and travel to work or begin with the household chores I usually start by having to force myself to get dressed. Often I cannot find an article of clothing. Even if I successfully complete getting dressed, I frequently find myself inappropriately attired in coffee and food stained cloths.

Everyday Tasks are not Routine

Typically I used to worry myself silly on the journey to work wondering if I could force myself into the needed daily tasks. Sometimes I encountered an unpleasant difficulty with a bus driver or ticket collector when I honestly forgot to pay my fare. Even if I succeeded in mounting an onslaught on my work, frequently an event occurred (a difficult phone call, an unexpected consultation, an unusual question from a student) that I could not deal with. These daily unpleasant surprises for me are the routine happenings that most people deal with easily day in and day out. My heart pounded just from the thought of the next "routine" challenge that is bound to present itself at any moment.

I normally drive my cars until they are ready for the junk yard. Only then do I purchase a new model. That's why it was unusual for me to have a used car that was good enough

to sell. Knowing that a private sale would realize the maximum amount of money, I composed an advertisement and posted it on the bulletin board on the main floor in the University of Toronto, Mining Building, where I worked. On the morning of the next day, the door to my office rattled to the powerful knocks of the Associate Departmental Chairman. He looked at me somewhat quizzically and shouted, "Jon, take down that car advertisement immediately from the bulletin board. I can't imagine any geologist, especially a faculty member, who would spell the word 'mining' incorrectly. It's really embarrassing to the department!" I ran down the stairs and sure enough I had written, "Room 324, Minning Building".

Expectation of Failure

Self doubt can be an especially paralyzing sensation. The learning disabled person grows to expect failure and unfair criticism in many "normal" activities. I frequently find myself apologizing for a mistake whether it is my fault or not. I recently caught myself apologizing when someone else stepped on my foot. Likewise, I frequently say thank you even when I have done something for someone else.

During a recent visit to the dentist, the teenaged, vivacious receptionist handed me the dreaded dental insurance claim form with the request that I sit down in the waiting room and fill in the details. This I did, returned to the counter and handed it in before resuming my seat in the crowded waiting area. A few moments later as I was absent-mindedly scanning a magazine, I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. It was the receptionist standing over me brandishing the form. She bent down toward my ear. Then in a voice that I am sure could have been heard outside on the street she blurted, "Surely Mr. Van Loon, we can do better than this! Everything is on the wrong lines and you've signed where the dentist is supposed to sign." All conversation in the room stopped and I could feel a multitude of eyes disapprovingly scanning my claim form. It is impossible under such circumstances not to feel incredibly stupid and put down. For me, even the simplest activity can turn into a nightmare.

Obviously, a learning handicap affects the degree of facility in the learning process. Put in a clearer fashion, it adversely affects a person's ability to learn using conventional methods. It is not so obvious, however, that learning disabilities are responsible for problems and mental discomfort in almost every activity encountered in daily life. This includes such simple duties as letter writing, filling in and signing checks, the planning and selection of a daily wardrobe, and the many social interactions that occur throughout the day. I have a variety of daily experiences that would be routinely handled by "normal" learners, but can be disastrous for me.

I Can't Remember Numbers

"Locker 4196, where are you?" In the men's changing room at the University of Toronto Athletic Centre there are row after row of lockers. After jogging five miles on the indoor track, as was my custom, I returned to the locker room to shower. My street clothes were in locker 4196, so I put my athletic clothes in this locker also. Upon returning naked from a hot shower, I thought about the locker number. Was it 1496? I looked in 1496 and found no clothes. Locker 1469 had someone else's lock. I became panicky and saw myself trying to walk to my office wrapped only in a towel The harder I tried, the worse was the confusion. After a few more abortive attempts, I began to wonder whether I even had the correct four digits. Luckily, after about six tries I finally found locker 4196. From that time onward, I wrote my locker number down on a small piece of paper that I carried everywhere.

It's on the Tip of My Tongue

"I know what I want to say, but I can't say it. Oh, Oh, I feel so stupid!" These were the frequent protestations of my father-in-law in the several years following his stroke. He was terribly embarrassed to even answer the phone or try to deal with salespeople, tellers and others whose help he required daily. He never knew it, of course, but every day I encounter this same difficulty. Many times I have tried to make a cogent argument at staff meetings, at conferences, or even in my own home only to discover I could not extract onto my tongue the phrases that I had formulated in my mind. This, coupled with a poor memory for the points I wish to make, often leads to Foolish, poorly related statements, when I attempt to join in important discussions,. It is too bad I cannot insert the audience into my head because they might be amazed at the several excellent points that are trapped, forever, therein.

Equipment is a Special Challenge

After the whistle blew, the time-clock kept running. This evoked a very nasty reaction from the parents of the other hockey team, which was then losing by a single goal. Even much higher levels of criticism cascaded down when I mistakenly left the penalty timer off for one of their players as play resumed. I found myself being accused of deliberately sabotaging their team's chances.

To be helpful (I thought), I had volunteered to be timekeeper at some of the minor hockey games for the hockey organization my son had joined. From the beginning, however, the experiment had been a disaster. The hockey timekeeper's console consisted of several toggle switches, rather than the pressure sensitive buttons of today, all designated for different, but important, operations. No matter how much I practiced, I still managed to employ the wrong combinations. This appeared to me to be a result of my left-right problems and an inability to process events quickly enough. Sometimes, in a panic to quickly respond to an important development in the play, I threw the set of switches into almost a completely opposite set of combinations than were needed. Although even "normal" timekeepers made some errors, I never saw situations as badly dealt with as by me. It was incredible to many of my ho hockey colleagues that a person possessing a Ph.D. could do so poorly. As might be expected, I was asked politely to retire from this duty after only a short time.

Traffic Hazards

Apart from the problem of remembering meanings, there is the matter of "seeing" international traffic signs properly and then their correct interpretation. Even something as commonplace as driving a car can be a problem. The adoption and exclusive use of international traffic signs will be a particular hazard to the learning disabled. For example, an arrow with a line through it means do not turn in the direction of the arrow. Frequently, at first glance, I do not see the line and my first reaction is to turn in the direction of the arrow. In order to avoid such a potential disaster, I must consciously ask myself what I am seeing, particularly enquiring whether a line is present or absent. Obviously, at freeway speeds such lengthy processing can be dangerous to the all drivers and passengers health!

In a related matter, because of my inability to tell right from left quickly, signs such as "keep left" or "squeeze right" must be positioned well ahead of the applicable area in order to evoke a correct response. Likewise, a driver flashing his directional signals immediately prior to making a turn may find me taking the wrong corrective action unless I have appreciable time to consciously process his indicated intention.

Of course, in some ways my knowledge of this problem provides a counter-balance. Because I must be alert at all times, I think I drove more defensively than others. Finally at age 60 after a stroke on my first return to the psychiatrist he stated as follows. "Please hand me your drivers license. "Startled, I retrieved the form from my wallet and complied. Holding the object in his hand, he asked; "May I tear this up?" Seeing that I was at a loss for words he replied, "It will be much easier and less officious this way than if I need to fill in the forms to have the authorities pull your ticket." It then came to my mind that perhaps I did not even deserve to be driving in the first place anyway. It was a shock, but I assented.

Unfortunately I became a horrible example of a back seat driver for my harassed wife. Since the children had left our house she was compelled to do all the driving. My instructions affected by my then, poor driving judgment, were constantly vociferous and wrong. The advent of the GPS device for driving instructions seemed a God sent to Maureen, however to her dismay I even argue with that device.

##### **Vocational** **Pitfalls**

Publish or Perish

"On the one hand are elicited feelings of admiration and awe of the courage and determination you have exhibited in addressing your handicaps; on the other hand, as you must appreciate, is a certain incredulity and cynicism with a system that enabled you to reach your current position, for which, by most standards, you are clearly unsuited."

I have been advised by a number of "experts" to quit my job at the university. The above quotation, taken from an editor's letter, was one of the more eloquent versions, questioning the suitability of my chosen vocation.

"Alas! I am sorry to report we have had to conclude that we cannot offer to publish .... "

I had sent the manuscript for review two months before receiving the above reply. I sent this document in response to an enthusiastic offer to consider my material for publication. This publisher had recently released a book on living with diabetes and hence was favourably disposed, at least in principle, to consider a parallel type of manuscript on learning disabilities. A week before receiving the dire letter containing the rejection statement, the editor had sent me a communication, that outlined in a very negative tone, the many hurdles the manuscript would have to clear before being accepted. I should have been ready for rejection, but I had rationalized myself into an optimistic position in spite of the letters. Thus it was a crushing blow to my ego when this rejection came so quickly and so eloquently a week or so later. The rejection letter contained one and one-half pages of singly spaced lines. Most of the content was highly critical, but undoubtedly accurate, such as, "In matters of grammar, spelling, sentence construction, organization, focus, repetition, there is extraordinary work to be done." This was a job that the editor was not willing to do " ... because of the excessive and unusual editorial costs that would be incurred in working with you .... "

Considering these comments the second to last sentence of his letter was a complete surprise. "Yours is a story that is, in _Reader's Digest_ parlance, unforgettable."

Overdoing it as Compensation

To mask daily demeaning occurrences, I believed that the more I did, the more chance I could build up a positive image to stand in the reflection of the disaster that would ultimately strike when my stupidity finally won. Luckily, instead of making me give up, problems became a tremendous challenge. I wanted to test how much I could handle. And so I began accepting all the invited lectureships that were offered. During one period in England I gave seven talks in the span of six days. Then I accepted the position of General Chairman of the most prestigious conference in my field. Along with all this I increased my rate of scientific research and publications (some research was now being done on my living room floor and in my basement in the evenings). Strangely none of this counted as success to me and I argued this point vociferously with family and doctors.

Not surprisingly I was stricken with a stroke, due to overwork, while working the equivalent of 2 fulltime jobs at the University and in China simultaneously. Although I suffered little physical damage, my mind took a severe hit. This was defined by confusion and loss of trains of thought. Worst of all my ability to do research and teaching was disabled where-by it was necessary to leave all my University duties.

Disability insurance was a fortunate part of my Benefits package and I medically qualified for leave from these duties with pay.

During the first 5 to 10 years I did little except sit on the couch, watch TV and read. Gardening was the only satisfying activity that I could find. It was Maureen who finally suggested firmly that I should get away from the house and do some volunteering work which I begrudgingly undertook. My almost manic energy returned which drove me to the point that I was pressured to leave by the union because I had assumed responsibilities that might cause loss of union jobs. My activities escalated from there in a manner to be described later at a more suitable point.

Poor Concentration

Concentration is a weak point for the learning disabled. I must force myself to concentrate. Failure to do so means nothing seeps through into my memory. Little is being imprinted on my brain unless I consciously lash myself to the material to be learned. Because of this, learning disabled's typically have short concentration spans. I must work on difficult material only for relatively short intervals followed by rest periods. These breaks must involve activities unrelated to the task at hand. Fortunately the workday life of a professor tolerated such an approach. I could work for forty minutes (years ago I could only work for twenty-minute periods, but I have built this up) followed by breaks of ten to fifteen minutes while I walk about absent-mindedly in my office, the halls, or my lab.

Poor Comprehension

The reader must be wondering how a scientist could remain in the forefront of his subject without at least normal reading capability. Must he not stay abreast of the literature, reading hundreds of papers each year? The answer is that I was barely able to keep up. For this reason the advice from the psychologist to quit my job, which she gave after discussing my learning disability, was probably insightful.

It is crippling to be a professor and research scientist but to be unable to learn normally from books and research articles. The written word remains virtually a mystery unless I use "tricks" to help elucidate the material. Most importantly, the concepts must be transformed into a pattern that is easy to assimilate. Even then, this transformed material is not permanently in my memory, but must be restudied frequently until used. For this reason my long-term memory consists of summary cards and notes that can be retrieved for review as required. Detailed discussion of coping strategies appears in "Part 3"

My typical professorial working day consisted of lectures, talks with students and colleagues, scientific writings and research. Although I have been teaching for more than twenty years, I still approached each lecture, no matter how routine, with an intense feeling of fear and trepidation. A major part of this arose from the difficult nature of the subject matter in my fourth-year courses. There were topics I must cover that are poorly understood even by me. This problem spilled over into my research and limited the range of experiments I could undertake. As a result I feel I had much less impact in my field of study than do my "normal" colleagues. My belief that much of this problem could have easily be rectified comes from my attendance at an undergraduate lecture given by a colleague, Jim Winefordner, while I was working at the University of Tokyo. In this talk he described a summarized and simplified overview of some difficult theoretical material. My auditory processes are in the average category. Using this one lecture I was able to extend my teachings appreciably into this important area. Unfortunately, there were few opportunities for me to hear such lectures.

I was frequently amazed at the facility with which many of my colleagues set up equipment and performed meaningful re search. I typically plodded through to my goal without an optimizally planned _modus operandi._ If relatively long procedures were involved I often found myself unable to correctly follow the prescribed steps. To make matters worse, when I turned these instructions over to my assistant, in most cases, he quickly succeeded in completing the work. The daily occurrence of such happenings and the onslaught this would bring on my ego resulted in a lack of self confidence. I have been bashed around so severely in these incidents that I have grown to believe that I am wrong whether proved so or not.

A former student taped the following sign to one of my new pieces of research equipment: "If all else fails, read the instructions." This had been done in jest, but unfortunately described my dilemma exactly. When I approach new equipment even the present computer and electronics I am frequently unable to understand the instructions, so I launch into operation using trial and error. Sometimes, I disable something before the equipment has even been put into proper working order. How embarrassing this was particularly as a Professor in front of his students.

A chemist who was dealing with complicated chemical procedures and equipment who could not follow instructions properly is hard to imagine. This meant I frequently was faced with asking one of my Research Group to start equipment running the initially. More commonly, I never learned to use the equipment to its fullest potential.

An important related aspect of my poor reading comprehension is an inability to deal quickly with questions. Whenever I am asked a difficult question (as I often was in class) I felt an immediate rush of helplessness. My mind locked. Ideas rush through my cerebral pathways colliding indiscriminately with each other. My ability to process this material is minimal, and I am tempted to guess impulsively. Although I know by bitter experience the deadliness of impulsive guessing, I still resort to this process in moments of weakness. It is my last desperate attempt not to show my "stupidity". Of course, I usually produce just the opposite result! In latter times I sometimes had the presence of mind to state that the question deserved more thought and would be answered at a later time.

Why not work out problems arising from student questions in front of them on the blackboard or a piece of paper? This was another severe frustration. Often I was so worried about spelling problems or incorrect expressions that I couldn't even get the material written down correctly or completely. Such a difficulty made a fine show for my graduate students. Even when I do have the correct answer formulated in my mind I frequently fail to format it properly into words either verbally or in written form.

Computer Confrontations (In My Professorial Days)

For a scientist, an inability to type seems, at first glance, not to be a serious problem. However, computers require data entry from a keyboard. All modern scientific equipment has become computerized. In these days Operating Systems (eg. DOS), were complicated and computers crashed too easily so I resisted purchase of such apparatus on the pretext that it was poor from a pedagogical standpoint. Today, however, it would be difficult to find equipment without computerized data processing and instrument control.

I had to admit to students and research collaborators that I couldn't use computers. At first, they refuse to believe me. To them a computer/word processor was a very necessary and easy-to-use device that helped to expedite their research. It was difficult to convince these protagonists that I often could not find the correct key on a keyboard. Worse, I "saw" one letter (often the correct one) in my mind but uncontrollably hit another on the keyboard. For me, even one-fingered data entry was laboured, extremely time-consuming and very error-prone.

Of course, there were other computer data entry systems, most

notably the mouse. I had even greater trouble with this device because of my severe difficulties with spatial relationships.

The word processor became a boon to delineating research papers and book manuscripts. Indeed, a typist using such a device had an important advantage in doing my work compared to performing this duty in the past typewriter days. I made so many errors and frequently found "old errors" the second and third reading through. It became no longer necessary to retype every page two or three times to correct a few errors, so much time and work are saved.

Spelling correction programs arrived. One would expect that these would be a very important advantage for use with my typing. However, as in working with a dictionary, these early programs often could not provide the correctly spelled word because my spelling was so poor.

A very serious difficulty occurred for me in late 1987. During 1986, I had been unable to obtain any useful results from a research project supported by a $50,000 Ontario government grant. This failure was partly due to malfunctioning equipment. A more important consideration was a poor electronics background and poor judgment on my part. Because I had not questioned other researchers in my field carefully enough, I had been acquiring and using data that was very far from "state-of-the-art". I even had to present these results at a conference of my peers. Nothing I could say made up for this error in judgment. Even worse is the fact that my Ontario government liaison scientist offered to let me use his equipment six months previously when I first sensed my instrumental problems. I refused this generous offer because it would have meant acknowledging my inability to use his computer system for data processing and instrumental control. This really compounded the problem because at the conference I had to admit my computer-related problems publicly to all 100 or so attendees, including my liaison officer. Oh, how I had hoped I might be sick on that day. I even considered faking sickness as an excuse although I felt fine. Of course, in the long run none of this would have helped because it would just have postponed the inevitable. The reward for this admission was that the research grant was not renewed.

Fortunately, difficulties in keyboard usage and other computer related difficulties do not daunt the majority of the learning disabled students I encounter. Their teachers frequently cite use of computers as an important turning point in students' struggles to express themselves in a written format.

During retirement computers have become an obsession in my life. Despite having only I finger capability on the keyboard , having difficulty finding letters, hitting the adjacent letter even when I do locate the letter, reversing letters in a word and digits in numbers, double consonants when singles are correct, in and a spell check which still can't discern some words I spend 6 to 8 hours a day on my 4 computers. Maureen taught me the fundamentals on a Windows 98 OS computer. Long painful experimental learning began until now I can fix most problems which don' require direct Registry manipulation or alteration to the Bios. I am able to exchange and install drives, PCI cards and Tuners.

The final coup at my level has been the establishment, design and upkeep of 2 domains, namely globalwarmingproblem environment-weather.org and learningdisabilitysupport.com. As a final achievement gained through painful reading and summaries and the essential mentoring of an expert the completion of a rudimentary content chapter on computer components and operation designed for learning disability person understanding and facilitation occurring in Part 4 of this book.

Battles with Writing

It was long a mystery to me how a person like me could acquire a Ph.D., become a professor and be a research scientist writing books and research papers. This conundrum was such a difficulty to me that, as I mentioned earlier, I spent a great deal of time (and money) in sessions with psychiatrists. In fact, because I did not know I had a learning disability and because I really believed I was stupid, I frequently became severely depressed. As a result I spent three intervals in hospital wards.

Sometimes I overheard the typing personnel laughing at some of the misspellings and saying such things as, "I think he just puts a letter where he feels it looks good." Condemnation of one kind or another concerning my "sloppiness" has followed me through my professional career. I have been a relatively prolific writer of scientific material. Since my early years at the University there have always been a variety of manuscripts to be typed that ranged from book chapters to research papers to articles for trade journals. Frequently there were several manuscripts on the go at one time and these arrived at the typing pool in a group. At the best of times this occasioned a collective groan from the secretaries. I must comment that I do sympathize both with the teachers who laboured with me over the years and friends who work with me now. There is no question it is terribly difficult to have patience and understanding in such circumstances.

Because of my difficulties I am constantly encountering pitfalls that can easily be breached by normal learners. It was necessary for me to publish the results of my scientific research. No matter how hard I try, my written submissions also occasioned severe criticism by referees and editors, particularly for poor spelling and grammatical deficiencies. I commonly receive statements such as, "The science is sound, but the presentation is unbelievably poor for such a prestigious laboratory." Recently I have broken a cardinal rule by which I had previously lived. I asked for help from one of my sympathetic associates in screening my papers. My manuscripts are now always corrected by this colleague before being sent to a journal. Of course, this makes me feel very stupid.

In a related incident, the only negative comment (by the reviewer) one of my published books on chemistry received was as follows:

"There are a variety of errors in spelling, grammar and chemical formulas, which could have been easily caught if the manuscript had been carefully proofread."

Of course the reviewer could not know that I had proofread the manuscript very critically and laboriously, but had missed errors because of my poor visual processes.

It is important to stress the difficulties that arise because of my poor writing abilities. Many of my audience will undoubtedly be struggling in a similar way. I shall never forget the following, which occurred in the early years of my job at the University.

Up to 1988 I had published 149 refereed scientific papers. In 1965, during the second year of my employment, I had two research projects that had advanced to the point where the data required publication. I laboriously (and I thought carefully) wrote up two papers. I delivered these to the secretarial pool, both at the same time. Sometime later there was a vigorous knock at my office door. Upon opening the door I found the department chairman, red in the face and shaking all over. In his trembling fists he held my mangled manuscripts. These he threw down on a table with the advice, "If you can't do better than this, you will lose your typing privileges!" The documents were so full of grammatical and spelling errors that the secretaries had asked the chairman if they really would be forced to do such typing. He had answered in the affirmative (because of the dearth of research from other colleagues, but then issued the above warning.

In the early years of my scientific work the comments I received on my writing efforts from journal editors were enough to make a grown man cry. Perhaps the most cutting comments I ever received were the following:

I had made the statement that from a table in which the pH values were going up it was obvious that the acidity was increasing. Of course, just the opposite is true and the reviewer wrote, "I would expect such a mistake perhaps from a Geographer (many of whom, unfortunately, try to dabble in the science of environmental studies). However, from a Chemist this is unforgivable! Reject the paper."

"There were so many spelling and grammatical errors that I refuse to correct any more! Van Loon would be well advised to hire a professional writer."

My learning disability was directly to blame for both these comments. In the case of my pH mistake, it is common for a learning disabled to mix up obvious and well known interrelationships.

Isn't writing about the most difficult problem for a person with disabilities of my type? The answer, of course, is yes. The reader must wonder why I did not just give up and devote my energy to areas that would obviously be more fruitful. Instead of developing a sense of despair and a desire to quit to reduce this self imposed "masochism", I did the only thing I felt was possible. I treated the episode as a challenge. The worse the situation, the greater was the challenge.

Psyching Up to Meet the Challenge

Many times during the preparation of my most recent book I quit and threw the manuscript into a corner, but sooner or later I found myself working on this material again. A scientist acquaintance wrote a monograph on a topic of applied chemistry in the specific discipline area where I work. I admired this colleague for his contribution. His book, however, represented a challenge. After evaluating the contents, I realized that the material was most useful to the relatively small fraction of scientists who were lab managers and acedemics in this field. On the other hand, there were the majority of workers whose job it was to use these techniques in the laboratory. Thus it came to mind that I could make a very useful contribution by writing a good book for this relatively large group of "users".

Because of my problems, my capabilities for reading or formulating theory were limited. On the other hand, I had to turn all my energy loose onto applications of the technique. Facility in this regard could give even me an edge in writing a book of an applied nature. My learning disability makes it necessary for me to put concepts in very simple terms, so I can understand them (in my summaries, my scientific articles and my teaching materials). Thus any scientific book that I might undertake would have to be written simply and clearly - factors that could also give me an edge in explaining complex procedures to the practical user.

After about a year of writing I had completed one-third of the manuscript. This got me sufficiently psyched up to keep going. How could I possibly throwaway a year's work? By adding more and more practical material, always at the expense of theory, I was able to push myself through to the end. In **my** eyes this type of book would be of greater use to more chemists than my colleague's book and therefore I would be succeeding in an important challenge

I was highly motivated by the goal and what I knew could be a surprisingly higher level of achievement for a person of my capabilities. Even when I wanted to stop and destroy the manuscript (which occurred several times), I was able to force myself to continue. This happened in spite of a nervous breakdown and hospital stay, which occurred towards the middle of the job. Because of this health problem, I had to ask for (and was readily given) more time by the publisher.

On one occasion during the manuscript preparation I had to speak with colleagues about my proposed book. Several told me they had also tried such a project but had given up. They predicted I would do the same. A few commented that it would be futile to write a book on this material because the subject matter would be out of date before publication. This was indeed true for those on the forefront of the subject. But for the majority of practicing chemists, I knew such a book could be extremely valuable for a protracted period to come. Such criticism just gave me more reason to finish and prove the critics wrong.

Always, after publication of a book, the writer must wait anxiously for reviews. In a way, this is like the actors in a Broadway play waiting for reviews in the morning paper. The difference is that it takes three to six months for scientific book reviews to appear and hence there is too much time to contemplate the outcome. During this period worry dominated to such a degree that I purposely refused to read any book reviews for fear of finding them unfavourable

It was only after my brother wrote to congratulate me on a review that I had the courage to read one.

In the first sentence the reviewer stated, "This useful and very readable monograph will be of particular value to those practicing analysts who daily wrestle with problems .... " I didn't have to read further. I had achieved my goal of writing "simply" and for the majority of scientists who actually do the work. In my view, a learning disabled person can be ideally suited to write such material. He must write simply or he could not even follow what he himself has written. Such books then were of great value to the actual practitioner. Within a few months, over 90% of the copies of the book had been sold.

Upon receiving the first few copies of my first book I took them home for my family, one for each. They were all so proud ooh-ing and ah-ing over what a fine book it was. Then suddenly my wife said to me, "There's an error here." I wondered how she could find an error in my chemistry, since she is not a chemist. "Oh," she said, "but it's not your chemistry. You've spelled your daughter's name wrong in the dedication!"

To make things even worse, this happened again in my next book. What monuments to my learning disabilities! I had made one of the most common spelling errors that a person with my problem can execute - the mixing of double and single consonants.

There, on the cover for every scientist to see was "Chemical **Analysis** of Inorganic Constituents of Waters". Perhaps the most startling error that I made in one of my books was in this title. Almost any analytical chemist will tell you that the word "analysis" must be changed to "determination" for the above title to be correct. This error was punched home to me by a Brazilian colleague in a three-line letter, which went as follows: 'When I saw the ad for your book in the CRC catalogue, I resolved to send the enclosed material (some basic chemical definitions that all chemists should know including the 011£ governing my erroneous book title). Greetings from Brazil!"

Lecturing Complexities

Beads of perspiration break out on my forehead. My arm and hand seem like leaden weights. As I watch what I am writing on the blackboard, material in my brain comes out completely mixed up. I don't seem to be able to remember the details of the problem's solution. Several abortive attempts are made to start the solution. Then I remember the correct first three lines, but the following four I write down are from an unrelated topic. In addition, in going from line two to three, I leave out a complete term in the equation. "Good God," I remonstrate to myself, "can't you even do the simple problems? How can you possibly expect your students to do even more difficult questions on exams?" But I did and I still do expect this from students!

As an Assistant Professor at the University of Toronto in 1965 I was required to begin lecturing. Initially I gave a few lectures on my specialty in other professors' courses. A few years later I had a course offering of my own. Just prior to my stroke I had the equivalent of one and one-half full courses each term, with labs. These are mainly at the fourth-year level. Perhaps this sounds like a success story. Certainly I had achieved a level of success as a lecturer. However, the road to the fourth-year courses was anything but smooth.

After only a year or two of lecturing from the blackboard, it became apparent that I had a severe difficulty. In my earlier years I was required to lecture on environmental science to a class of 200 first-year engineers. During one class on water pollution I realized I had forgotten to bring a map of the Great Lakes. It would have been difficult to give the lecture without such a diagram, so part way through I sketched a map on the board. Engineers are a difficult sell in the classroom at the best of times. They usually talked, laughed and flew paper airplanes during the lecture. As I made my Great Lakes sketch, the level of laughter was much greater than usual. I thought this was a bit rough. My artistic capabilities were poor but surely they did not warrant such hilarity.

Somehow I got through this incident and the rest of the lecture. After most of the students had left, one of the bolder ones, who had been sitting at the back making plenty of noise, swaggered up to me as I waited for the lecture hall to empty. He blurted out, "Van Loon, how could you be so stupid as to draw the Great Lakes backwards?" I turned quickly around to look and sure enough, I had drawn a mirror image of this region!

By itself this would not have warranted giving up the use of a blackboard. However, there have been many more similar incidents. These include writing equations with missing or reversed terms, equations with reversed proportionality signs and even reversed chemical structures. As a result, I stopped using the blackboard almost entirely. In fact, I was so frightened about teaching erroneous material that I placed everything on carefully checked slides or overheads. Even after several years, however, students still point out minor errors in these. Hard copy of these was then circulated to each class

One summer, a University departmental chairman wrote to inform me that my new assignment that fall would be to teach a second-year analytical chemistry course. This is one of the courses that all students must take to obtain a specialist degree in chemistry. By the time his letter caught up to me in Australia a month had passed. I made an urgent phone call from Australia to try to persuade him that I would be unable to handle this assignment. Unfortunately, I was not able to connect with anyone except his secretary. After several more unsuccessful attempts I stated the following to his secretary:

«Please tell [the Chairman] that, because of my learning disability, I have no background material in my memory to allow me to tackle this subject on such short notice. Further, I would have to teach myself up to the level of this course before I could even attempt to start writing the lecture material. Then it would be essential for me to prepare slides and overheads. All this, would require at least 6 months".

I received the reply that, even after she had spoken to the Chairman, he still insisted that I should indeed teach this course.

It may seem strange to the reader, and even more so to the departmental administrators, that I, a Ph.D. in chemistry, could not easily teach this second-year course. This would appear even more to be the case when one considers that analytical chemistry is my specialist field and I had for more than ten years taught the fourth-year analytical course. What difficulty could I possibly have? The problems are as follows:

The second-year course contains a large segment of material relating to the solving of complicated mathematical chemistry word problems. These usually consist of several lines outlining the problem. By the time I reach even the second line I have forgotten the material in the first line. I was not given enough time to teach myself up to the beginning of the course. Additionally, I did not have sufficient time to prepare the lecture material Then, I did not receive adequate time or facilities to make up rigorously checked slides and overheads. There were to be fifty or sixty students in the course and because of my own difficulty with the material I could not give this number of student's adequate help. Because I was being forced to teach this course, a mood of extreme desperation swept over me. My worst fear was that the students would discover that the professor could not handle some of the material himself. Additionally, errors in other material because of reversals, missing segments of equations, misspellings and misrepresentations were bound to occur. If I had a sight limiting disability, I am sure that the Chairman would not have required me to teach a course that meant I would have to demonstrate manipulations in the chemical laboratory. Such procedures would include the delicate handling of balances and complicated instruments. Additionally? operations with glassware containing dangerous liquids and solids would be necessary. Making me teach the second-year analytical chemistry course does not involve physical dangers to me or the students. However, this task can be just as futile for me as laboratory manipulations would be to a blind person.

This then demonstrates the serious lack of understanding that most people have of the learning disabled. People with learning difficulties are frequently expected to accomplish "impossible" tasks with no recourse for understanding. No wonder there is a sense of severe frustration and even of hopelessness among people so afflicted. As if all this is not disturbing enough, what about a professor who cannot even do his own examinations! I once gave a chemistry exam in which there appeared a question requiring a relatively simple algebraic calculation. This exam was held in a large hall seating about 200 students doing a variety of different exams. Part way through, one of my own students, in a loud voice, announced that he thought some important piece of data for the calculation-based question was missing. I told him to be quiet and finish the rest of the exam while I worked through this one to check on his query. I began the calculation. Part way through I realized I couldn't finish. I struggled and struggled, but without success. In desperation I dashed three blocks to my office to get the solution. You guessed it, the student was correct! I had left out crucial data!

Struggles with Ph.D. Students

The superior graduate student is another problem faced by a learning disabled professor. One Ph.D. student came to work with me without an in-depth knowledge in my specialty. However, after about one month of intensive reading and studying, he was obviously at a much more knowledgeable point in the theoretical basis of the subject than I was. Because of a brilliant intellect and a remarkable facility for learning, this student had accomplished in one month what had taken me a whole career to perfect. For three more years this student was compelled to work with me on his study program.

Chemistry graduate students are now capable of doing very sophisticated computer programming. I find it very difficult to admit to and then convince such students that I frequently cannot even find the correct key on a computer keyboard. Because of this I am unable to follow, let alone help, my students with even the simplest of computer-aided experimentation. This adds immeasurably to the frustration for me in dealing with Ph.D. students.

Doing Work Twice

During University times most types of letter writing was easy for me and I usually did this task first thing in the morning. Through letter writing, I tied to develop the mental momentum to tackle the more difficult daily tasks that still awaited me.

Once, a respected colleague wrote to ask if I would prepare a chapter for a book he was editing. The next day, after much deliberation, I replied that I was very honoured but would be unable to participate in this project because of the already heavy burden of my writing commitments. I was about to scribble across his original letter that I had given my answer and to note the date this had been completed when the phone rang. Upon replacing the receiver, and without writing anything, I threw the letter onto the side of the desk and continued to work. Some three days later, his letter again caught my eye. Without giving its contents much thought I wrote to my associate that I was very honoured and would be pleased to accept his invitation to write the chapter. About a week later, I got a phone call from a very confused and bemused colleague asking which side of my split personality he was talking to now and whether my final answer would be a yes or a no!

Thank goodness for email, now days, so that such dichotomies are less likely to occur.

Preparation of research papers is a long and arduous task even for those without learning disabilities. Several times during my career, because of my poor memory and bad filing system, I prepared a manuscript (sometimes even a book chapter) twice. When this happened, it is amazing for me to see the great difference in quality that often exists between the two attempts. For some undetermined reason, the first attempt has invariably been better. What a terrible waste of valuable time and effort this was, especially for someone like me who struggles so fiercely just to finish each writing assignment.

Difficulties in Logical Thinking

The letter stated that the Van Loon grant proposal was "poorly organized" and had "poorly expressed goals".

My NSERC (National Science and Engineering Research Council) research grant funding had been cut. While the reduction was only slight, it made me very angry. I had achieved, even exceeded, my research goals during the previous granting period and hence I was expecting a significant funding increase. The letter went on:

"On reviewing his publication list we are unable to find evidence of significant new research findings. "

I was a fighter and, unlike most grantees, I was not willing to accept a reduction in research funding, however slight, when I felt I deserved more. Thus I wrote a strong letter of complaint.

Had I not published a well-received book in my field? What about my Plenary Lectures? Did invitations to speak about my work at international conferences not suggest excellence in research? I stamped angrily around my office, unable to do any useful work for several days after receiving these comments. I cursed the committee, many of whom I knew and to whom I would have assigned a poorer research contribution than my own. It had to be jealousy! They were obviously out to get me!

My usual first reaction was to blame others for any misfortune, never verbally, but in my own thoughts. With such an approach I can avoid making an unbiased, critical appraisal of my own performance. Although in time I usually come around to a more insightful appraisal, it was never unbiased nor unemotionally thought through. Upon reflection, I cannot ever remember a single case where I had been able to make a totally honest appraisal of my own performance. In some cases I miss the mark by being overly negative. In others, I avoid an accurate appraisal through excuses and by blaming others. Very often such a strategy prevents me from undertaking greater challenges. Perhaps many people behave in this manner. Is this not human nature? In my case, however, there is a significant and important difference. I lack the ability to process logically material of any complexity. In other words, this makes the grant committee's above comments dead on!

Processing problems are common among the learning disabled. My processing difficulties manifest themselves in a multitude of ways. For example, I have difficulty keeping my work load at a reasonable level. As soon as anyone asked me to help with what appears to be exciting work, I responded positively. Then I wonder later why I had been unable to finish the undertaking as a comfortable part of my total commitments. Apart from too many projects, the details of each individual job often became beyond my ability to deal with logically. As a result I talked in vague generalities, unable to focus on, or unable to zero in on, the points requiring further work. A recent major research project is an excellent example.

Research Realities

After receiving the bad reviews on my NSERC research grant proposal, I decided that it was important for me to get back into the laboratory and actually do some of my own research . For many years, I had relied almost completely on work done by students and research assistants. Because of this I had lost my perspective on the difficulties associated with research work. I caught myself many times, without sufficient knowledge of the problem, upbraiding members of my research group for lack of "sufficient" research progress. This was usually brought on by the urgent need for results to support new grant applications.

Why then, had I failed, since my return to the lab in a relatively straightforward research task? The answer is simple and the problem should be correctable. This is true, except for difficulties related to my pride and my inability to learn, in enough depth, the basic theories of the subject area. By basic theory, I don't mean the detailed mathematics and physics of these subjects. Even a somewhat superficial and descriptive understanding would be sufficient. Instead of facing this problem head on and making a rational decision on whether to continue, I drift on, day after day, hoping for a miracle. Strewn over the surface of this troubled sea is the flotsam and jetsam of failed experimentation. I was unable to retrieve these well defined fragments of the research puzzle and use them to construct a useful representation of my research project status.

Is the total picture so bleak that I was back at the beginning? Even worse, could I actually have been in a negative position compared to when I started? This could easily be the case because I have frequently developed serious misconceptions about the reasons for poor results. This leads to further time wasting and more poorly conceived experimentation. In an attempt to evaluate my position I even wrote down the evidence as it has been revealed to me, in a bare bones fashion. Despite this simplistic format, the data are exactly what they appear - unconnected words, phrases and sentences that I was unable to process into anything remotely resembling a status evaluation, or a logical plan for further work.

I seemed fated to struggle on endlessly. Pride prevented me from admitting, even to myself, that I might fail. Oh, I said the word "failure" even out loud to my family, but I didn't believe what I was saying. How could I? I didn't know how to assess my current position.

Research projects supported by government funds were overseen by a liaison officer. These would usually be scientists in government laboratories who have some "expert" knowledge of the content of the investigation. Liaison officers were required to interact with the "principal investigator" (me) and monitor the progress of the research. My liaison officer called regarding a report I had sent. He asked when he might expect the current research to be published. At the very least, he required a report satisfactory for in-house publication. I was taken aback by this request because I knew he had my final report in hand. When I reminded him of this he informed me that his editor had rejected this version because of a large number of spelling and grammatical errors. He even went so far as to offer to correct the material himself. The embarrassment this caused is difficult to detail without resorting to profanity. To make matters worse, these liaison officers were frequently at a "lower" rung on the research ladder than was I and could even be, as in this case, former employees or former students.

Over zealousness Leads to Over Commitment

The voice on the other end of the phone was drowning on and on about severe personnel and research difficulties that had beset one of the larger scientific electrical component manufacturers in the U.S.A. I was jolted suddenly back to reality by the almost offhand comment, "Would you consider being a consultant for our company?" I was really flattered by this unexpected turn in the conversation. Without any real thought, or even asking for time to think it over, I answered in the affirmative. When I hung up the phone I was immediately hit with feelings of inadequacy and foreboding. Despite this, during ensuing negotiations, I spewed out positive, but often unthoughtful, garble to an extent that I acquired the position.

This had been the constant pattern of my decision-making process. I can think of few decisions I made that resulted from a careful processing of all the issues. Reasons include an inability to identify important factors and then, as detailed above, my failure to logically reflect on their pros and cons. I have made many decisions designed largely to feed my ego. How lucky I was to successfully complete most tasks, including the work, with the above electrical component manufacturer. However, there have been some spectacular failures.

How about the time I was appointed to a prestigious NSERC grant review committee? Such committees meet once a year in Ottawa. I "succeeded" for the first year with the mountain of reading, but in year two, I resigned one month before the meeting because I had been unable to plough through a similar jumble of applications. Imagine the surprise and annoyance of the chairman when he received my phone call.

Another embarrassment occurred when I simply stopped reviewing articles for scientific journals. I was unable even to write with an explanation. For about fifteen years I had accepted and laboriously reviewed any articles that appeared in my mail box. This is extremely difficult work for me because of my reading and processing problems. The frequency of requests was gradually rising and I became frustrated at not being able to do a comprehensive job. Then suddenly I stopped altogether and the articles for review built up for two or three months on a corner of my desk. Since the journals were receiving no reviews and no explanations from me, the flow diminished to a dribble and finally stopped. How could I have done this without even an explanation? My reputation must have been approaching zero in a number of these jurisdictions.

Can't Manage Grant Money

"It has come to my attention in the course of an audit of the accounting and related procedures here, that the ICP ... holding account is overdrawn by $23,000, approximately, and that only $17,000 is recoverable ....

As if my difficulties in research were not enough, I was even more hopeless in money matters. The above quotation, from a letter sent to my university administrator, was an example of my abilities at work-related money management. (Perhaps this explains why I achieved a mark of only -29 in a typing and bookkeeping course that I took as a high school student.) In one instance, my very understanding department chairman even donated $1,000 from his own research funds to cover a serious overrun in one of my research grant budgets.

##### Needs Help with Daily Vocational Tasks

Office Chaos

Where could I have put my NSERC grant form? The possibilities were endless. It might be buried on my desk, in files under grants, NSERC, research project titles or elsewhere.

Because of my lack of organizational skills, my desk contained teetering piles of unfinished manuscripts, textbooks, returned book manuscripts, spelling cards, "to do today" schedules, scraps of paper that should have been discarded and used coffee cups. This was always the case and much of the material was in constant danger of falling on the floor (sometimes even into the wastepaper basket!). From time to time my phone number index and even the phone disappeared from view for days at a time. Sometimes, mysteriously, my desk became well organized again. This usually occurred when I had been away from work for a few days. (I guess my colleagues, who share the office, did this to improve the office ambiance).

When something was lost the best bet was to go through all the material on my desk. In most cases the lost article was found. This was a very time-consuming process that might take anything from a few minutes to several hours! Much the same issue is extant today.

For years my filing system consisted of files jammed helter skelter into file cabinet drawers. Materials were so badly inserted that often the drawer could not be closed because of papers protruding upward at all angles. Even worse, the filing had no system. A given item could be anywhere in six drawers in 2 filing cabinets. The greatest problem was that the file titles were so ambiguous that a particular document might be found in any number of individual file locations.

Finally the problem was thinly breached, thanks to my teenaged son After his efforts I had a filing system based on file colour and topic, I sometimes found an item in less than ten minutes. Another difficulty became apparent once the files had been put in better order. In some instances I found files with almost identical titles. Couple all this with the problem that there was no guarantee files had been put back and it is obvious why I have often assumed an item I wanted was lost. Frequently I redid all the writing and photocopying of missing items. Then while looking for something else the missing file turned up. Perversely, this seemed certain to occur just as I was laboriously finishing the duplication process.

Covering one wall in my office were bookshelves that extend about thirty feet long and about eight feet high. These contain a random assortment of material - papers, monographs and periodicals that, unlike my files, still remained completely unsystematized.

Also complicating my office existence were several tables, other desks and chairs that very neatly blocked effective access to my office working area. Strewn on top of these was a variety of parts from scientific equipment, abandoned computers, CRT monitors and odds and sods of books, papers and files. To add the final touch to the office chaos there were items of clothing (I jogged to work and frequently, washed and shaved in a large lab sink and dressed in my office). Spare shoes, cloths cardboard boxes, a coffee station, a live parrot and a small assortment of plants completed the office disarray.

The reader may wonder what useful purpose a parrot could serve in a professorial office. In reality, he served a very important function. I frequently found that visitors overstayed their welcome. After the visitor had been in my office for about ten minutes, the parrot started to screech. This behavior was brought on because the parrot had been subjected to nearly uninterrupted scientific babble. For some reason, either to enter the conversation, announce his annoyance at being subjected to such drivel, or perhaps because he thought he had better answers than I did, he decided to join the cacophony. The result was almost always the same. The startled visitor scanned furtively about the office looking for the source of the noise. Whether he found it or not, each screech was of such high volume that the visitor very soon reached the breaking point and left the scene. It was a source of amusement for me to establish just how long each individual would put up with the noise before leaving. I think the record belongs to a former resident research assistant. She left me after about eight years. Likely this was as much to improve her salary level as to escape the parrot.

It is important to stress to the reader that my office foibles were a vestage of my poor organizational skills. Help from my wife, teenaged son and daughters has been indispensable in improving my daily routines as has important input from a few thoughtful colleagues. Despite this assistance, I will always be fated to endure some degree of inefficiency.

Organizational skill deficiencies are often one of the most unfairly criticized problems for learning disability sufferers. People with this problem must try to roll with the inevitable criticism. Parents, teachers and employers must provide assistance in this area.

Who Will Help?

In recent years, much has been popularized in the media about the improving rights of the disabled. In this regard we have been led to believe that significant guarantees have been legislated to ensure that all disabled people can conduct their daily business without unfair treatment. For example, the physically disabled have been greatly aided by enlightened employers and by new building codes. This has resulted in widespread accessibility in transit, newly constructed buildings and the facilities therein. The sight and hearing impaired

have been aided by equipment and volunteers who assist with access to the written and spoken word.

Yet, almost nothing has been done to provide the learning disabled with assistance in daily routine and vocational chores. Although the learning disabled constitute the largest group of people with disabilities, there has been little wide public popularization of their existence, let alone an understanding of their difficulties. Little of a systematic nature exists, except in schools, organized by Board's of Education through skilled specialists. Public plans to ameliorate the situation in other jurisdictions in the future even to widely provide aid at the most basic level seem largely absent..

I know of only a few significant exceptions to this general rule. Despite a low level of public awareness, there are lobbying and educational groups such as _Learning Disabilities in Canada_ (now _The Learning Disabilities Association),_ and _The Orton Society_ in the U.S. For years these groups have been the most vociferous advocates, particularly for children with learning disabilities. Support material is now widely available from the Web. Gradually these organizations are spreading their ministry to the law courts, employers and other important segments of society. Even considering these important initiatives, there remains little public understanding of, and even less public willingness to provide help for, the learning disabled. As far as adults are concerned, more possibilities are appearing for testing so that their learning disability problems can outlined. Many older persons struggling with learning problems and the baggage that comes attached, are too embarrassed to admit they should subject themselves to testing procedures. As a result, many adults who have a learning disability are forced to accomplish their daily routine handcuffed by an inability to operate without severe and unfair pressure.

On balance, it is important to point out the existence of some noteworthy efforts outside the educational system on behalf of learning disabled within the vocational fabric. For example, in Canada, the Ontario Ministry of Labour in the 1980's compiled and published a brochure called _Profile,_ which is available in booklet form and on audio tape. This brochure is aimed at educating employers on the many important skills and capabilities of the disabled, (learning disabilities are mentioned) population. Within this publication, learning disabilities are given prominent treatment. Likewise, a federal government agency has produced a video along these same lines.

To illustrate the typical frustration of an adult in trying to

obtain an understanding and basic assistance for a learning disability in a vocational setting, I cite the following personal and typical experience.

Some years ago, after some particularly frustrating months of research, teaching and desk work, I decided to request university aid to help me cope. I wrote the following letter to a university administrator:

"I apologize for having to petition you at this time for funding to help me make ends meet. To try to avoid such a problem I submitted several research grant applications and began to enquire through the university how to obtain help for my type of disability problem. The university had for years

helped people with physical handicaps. I have hope that a long-term more comprehensive disability help plan might have evolved by this time. Unfortunately I now find myself in the desperate situation that I will lose my technical assistant unless I can raise $6,000 to pay her salary from January 1 to March 31, until my new grant money arrives. In the following I will explain my special needs and the reason for the needs and what assistance I have received to date.

"I, as you know, I have a learning disability. Because of this, my organizational, financial planning, record keeping, spelling and grammar skills are very poor. I have trouble with reversals. In addition, I am unable to learn very effectively by reading. Just how poor I am in these areas can be summarized by the following few examples from my day-to-day operations.

Teaching

In my second year of teaching Chemistry 251, one of the brighter students pointed out that structural formulas of chelating agents I had drawn on overhead acetates (used for several years) were reversed.

In 1982 because I had no one to check my exam in chemistry 251, five serious errors were found during the examination period.

Research

I have good research ideas, but I find it very difficult to organize and manage the number of research projects which must go on simultaneously in my laboratory. As a result I have lost research money. The worst case of this was an Ontario Geological Survey Grant, which I lost after two years because of a mismanaged research schedule

You will, of course, be acquainted with my difficulties in keeping finances in order. Some years ago, because of erroneous bookkeeping, I overran my grant by $1,000. This error was kindly rectified by a donation of $1,000 from the Chairman of my department. In many other cases I have had to ask for transfers of funds between grants because I erroneously spent from one grant what should have come from another. I can't remember the details, but I know a colleague who can tell you of unwarranted difficulties I caused her due to my erroneous interpretation of my accounts."

**Writings** ( **Books** , **Research** **Reports** , **etc**.)

In the theory section of one of my books the atomic absorbance expression appears [incorrectly]. This is very embarrassing because this formula is the most fundamental in my area of' expertise.'

Because of my inability to 'see' errors (in spelling, grammar and sequencing) in manuscripts I produce many more revisions than the average person. These revisions are also spread through more drafts. As a result my word processing charges are several times more than the average staff member. A note I received last August from the department chairman made me suddenly aware of how bad this problem really was. It is, of course, an unfair burden on the department.

Because I am unable to remember or learn from very much of what I read I require extensive photocopying so I can summarize and review papers repetitively. Thus I need much more material to be photocopied than the average staff member.

"Therefore, I am asking the University to help me out in the long term as follows:

Provide half time funding for a research assistant to help with the above technical problems. (I will pay her for the other half for research.) Provide a supplement (over average staff requirements) for my word processing to prevent an unfair load on the department. Provide a supplement for photocopies (over average staff requirements).

"Your consideration of this request is much appreciated. I am sorry to have to bother you with such a problem.

"Yours sincerely, Jon C. Van Loon, Professor"

As a result of this letter I received $6,000. It was very generously donated by the University President through the much appreciated efforts of the University Research Board Chairman. However, I never received an answer to the very important, long-term requests. This clearly reflects what I believe must be the present employer view towards such difficulties. The University was very sympathetic to critical, immediate problems and helps as much as possible (much of this assistance comes from a group called _Services to Disabled People)._ But administrators seem reluctant to make any moves that might set a precedent and require a significant commitment (particularly financial) to the future, for assistance to groups like the learning disabled. Such an attitude was fully understandable considering the present under funding of universities in Canada and the U.S. No answer was obtainable to present procedures.

Privately, I received the interesting view of one administrator who commented that since I have done as well as I have, why should the University provide additional assistance? This view is also understandable. But, might someone such as me not merit a lessening of vocational pressures (down to normal levels) through the removal of impediments that are a simple result of a mental malfunctioning?

Before being diagnosed as learning disabled, I struggled to complete every job I was given. During this stage my feelings of inadequacy were pervasive and depression was intense.

After becoming aware of my learning disability, depression is still a way of life. More and more I attempt to avoid tasks and situations that produce the most discomfort. Because of this I frequently wondered whether I was using my learning disability as an excuse to get out of jobs and situations that I really should be attempting. Additionally, I felt very upset and embarrassed when I managed to escape a duty by using the learning disability "excuse", no matter how valid. This problem had been particularly acute at the University, when I found that one of my colleagues has had to pick up this slack. Should I have to feel embarrassed to ask for assistance?

If learning disabilities, and the problems these cause the victims, were better understood by the general public, there might be less need for us to defend ourselves against "unfairness." Then the learning disabled, like those with physical disabilities, would be less likely to find themselves unable to cope.

Avoids Contact with Colleagues, Students

Perhaps the most fundamental aspect of my vocation is my dealings with people. Students, colleagues, citizens who come to my office or phone for assistance, all deserve my thoughtful consideration. Personal relationships have always been one of my most serious deficiencies. As a result of my poor memory, and related difficulties (spelling, organization, comprehension), I have been frequently put down and taken advantage of in work related situations. I cannot, however, blame my inherent suspicion and disregard of others simply on this. Many other factors have been enumerated above. The fact remains that because of such problems I minimized contact with colleagues, "friends", secretarial staff, even research assistants and graduate students. In the case of University friends, I have none that I see or talk with on a regular basis. During extended periods throughout my life I have even feared such a simple, people related task as answering the telephone. Instead of speaking with university administrators on important issues, I write memos and letters. This is because of the fear that a face-to-face meeting will result in a poor defense of, and response to, an issue. I cannot argue well (poor memory and processing).

Letters can be written and rewritten over a period of time. This eliminates foolish and childlike knee-jerk replies and arguments, which can be carefully edited out before a written communication is sent. My general rule was and is wait at least overnight before making written replies.

About half-way through my comments at one staff meeting I began to stammer and shake. The words came only haltingly and what words there were, did not necessarily have anything to do with the business at hand. Again I had forgotten what I wanted to say! This embarrassing occurrence results when I do not, before hand, summarize on paper the points I wish to cover. Additionally, I must be brief in my reply so that I do not lose sight of the topic. Most of my colleagues ramble on almost effortlessly from relevant point to relevant point not once glancing down at any notes. As well, their eyes sweep back and forth through the audience. In sharp contrast when I am speaking, I lock onto some inanimate object, fearful of catching someone's gaze. I do this to avoid seeing any hint of a negative mannerism from my audience that might altogether prevent me from continuing. If I am unable to politely avoid visual contact, for example in a one-on-one encounter, I sometimes catch myself closing my eyes in the middle of a conversation as I continue to talk.

A related problem, extending until today, magnifies this difficulty, after everyone has had the chance to argue a point, I rarely find the consensus containing any of the points that I might have made. The reason for this is likely twofold. First, I am unable to argue well even if I have written important points down. Second, I wonder whether attendees listen very carefully when I speak. I have so often made garbled statements somewhere during the duration of my comments that I fear the audience turns me off, probably in the belief that what I say will not likely be useful anyhow.

There were a variety of "happenings" in my work at the University that were only distantly social in nature. A good example is a seminar delivered by a visiting scientist. Over the years I have found such events very difficult to handle. These talks are usually only slightly related to my work. I felt frustrated about my inability to follow and then participate (through questions) in such presentations.

It was important for me to maximize my contribution in those few areas of my job where I know I could do best. Unlike most of my colleagues, I did not have the luxury of participating in such aspects of university life. Knowing this, I advise that it is important for the learning disabled worker to do as I have done. First, make a list of what commitments exist in a vocation. Then, those items of marginal benefit (to the learning disabled employee and to the job) should be removed from the list. It may be necessary again, as I have done, to speak to the job supervisor to apprise him or her of this situation.

Resign - Find A Less Stressful Environment

"[ _suggest you resign your position and find an environment much less intellectually stressful."_

After three extended stints in hospital wards for emotional problems, and because of my emotionally-related accounts of the pressures associated with my daily work in academia, I received the above advice from a sympathetic psychologist.

At 50, I felt completely burnt out and totally devastated emotionally. Each time I eased myself back into the university working environment, it was as though the next day might be my last. Yet I had found it impossible to accept the psychologist's recommendation. What would I do? How could I continue to support a family? In a half-hearted attempt to put the advice into practice, I took correspondence courses in horticulture. Gardening has been my all-consuming hobby, but when a decision had to be made, I just couldn't leave the university.

I have lived away from Toronto for many periods in my lifetime. In several instances these intervals have been outside Canada (Australia, Japan, Brazil). Frequently during the first few weeks of my stay, I have become so agitated over these new and unknown surroundings and the pressures associated with everyday life in my vocation that I have found myself at night crying and promising myself to go home. Fortunately cooler heads won out and I did not abandon any of these projects. Anxiety caused by sudden changes in life is common among the learning disabled. Despite traveling to over thirty countries on five continents, I still feel uncomfortable in new surroundings.

Like most people, my mood seems to be a complex product of positive and negative factors related to past, present and future occurrences. At times, my foibles seemed to outweigh my positive qualities and I felt very depressed. I could exist in this depressed mood without being even remotely aware of the specific cause. In an attempt to improve the situation, I tried to remember what negative factors were involved. This is a classic Catch-22 situation. My memory is poor, so I couldn't remember the cause and this resulted in another round of depression. If the problems were rediscovered, I wrote them down in order to have a chance at rectification. It boggled my mind to be unaware of what actual, and usually obvious, problems existed to have caused my black mood. There were instances when I think I was depressed simply because this had become my dominant mood. Thus when my mind was unable to detect any blatantly positive factors it just automatically reverted to the depressed status quo.

The instant I awoke, intense feelings of foreboding blanketed my thoughts. I knew that if I didn't throw back this encumbrance instantly with the bed clothes, I was unlikely to arise at a decent hour. I propelled myself from the bed to the floor before I had time to further develop these negative feelings.

Daily I had to force myself to complete routine chores that most people seemed to accomplish without effort. I looked at my "to do" list for the day. There were several urgent phone calls awaiting my attention. I found myself afraid to call! Unopened mail was scattered across my desk. I was particularly afraid to open mail related to financial aspects of my research grants.

Many of my feelings of foreboding arose from a deep-seated lack of self-confidence. As I slowly ticked off the obligations on the "to do today" list, I found myself loaded down with the fear that I would drown in a sea of difficulties before completing the day's chores.

I could not for the life of me understand these feelings. There are so many individuals who face long lists of much more urgent tasks than I do. My wife, Maureen, is an owner of a not for profit school that consisted at that time of a clinic for the learning disabled and an academy for children who are not learning disabled. Apart from teaching, her day consists of dealings with troubled pupils and parents. A gigantic responsibility such as this would have propelled me back to bed, a cowering and defeated lump. She still works today at the high level, while I marvel that she has some ability, that I lacked and that is a stamina that by my standards is inexplicable.

One Step at a Time

In an attempt to burst though the fearful barrier I have found it important to exercise first each day. As I progress through the program I become happier and somewhat more assured that my daily chores can be completed. In an attempt to blow away the remainder of my fears, I do easy tasks first. Then I find myself through these demonstrated (albeit small) successes, ready to attempt the more difficult tasks. These intense daily feelings of being incapable of completing a day's work are all the more strange when I consider that I seldom can remember a day in which I did not complete most of my obligations.

It is difficult to transfer to the mind of a "normal" reader the intensity of self-doubt that faces the learning disabled. This intensity always seems greatest at the start of the day. Despite positive results I still fear that at any given time I could make a very serious _faux pas,_ which might in one fell swoop, cancel out all the good.

I still feel the same deep sense of insufficiency that was a familiar part of my working day for the twenty-five, professorial years. Is it possible that a learning disabled person reaches vocational burnout much sooner than others, as much as ten years before the mandatory retirement age? Might the routine challenges that stimulate "normal" workers to high achievement act as intolerable stresses to the learning disabled?

Keep Going

Despite these ever present fears for my sanity, I have been able to push myself to a satisfactory level of achievement. The manic aspect of my manic depression often appeared at propitious times. I have never been chided directly for lack of effort or for insufficient academic progress. In fact, my _curriculum vitae_ contains, in variety and in numbers, accomplishments equal to or exceeding those of most of my colleagues.

As has been the case throughout my academic career, I will continue to face each day as it comes, bouncing from one difficult task to the next by somehow succeeding. Like a rat in a maze, I shall roam the vocational labyrinth, exploring, often in too much detail, the blind alleyways that radiate in all directions from my research objective. In time, I will reach my destination. If past performances are any indication, attainment of this goal will represent a significant intellectual achievement.

It sounded like an animal scratching amongst forest litter for food. As I approached more closely I could see garbage in a casement under the store front porch moving up and down as though being tunneled through by an animal. Whatever it was, it remained fully covered and did not appear for me to make identification. I thought nothing more of the incident and returned to my Campinas, Brazil hotel room.

Several days later, passing the same spot, a similar scene presented itself. Garbage that had been thrown into the casement under this porch from a neighboring restaurant was again alive as though being scavenged by some neighborhood animal. This time, however, as I reached the store in question the garbage parted momentarily revealing a small human figure. The body was so small, frail and covered in rags that I was unable to identify its gender. Its eyes were very large compared to the face and were sunken in huge cavities. The facial skin was tautly stretched over the bony relief. A tiny chin, normal nose and large ears completed its visage. A bulging stomach was the final clear indication that this child was suffering from severe malnutrition.

The problem is common in developing countries. In the northeast part of Brazil thousands of children do not receive proper diet each day and are slowly wasting away. In this weakened state the child easily falls prey to serious diseases such as dysentery and typhoid fever. Even something as common as a cold virus can have fatal consequences for a child in such a weakened condition.

Education is virtually unknown in such settings, and a child with a learning disability would most assuredly have no hope of achieving even the most rudimentary skills.

I have been fortunate, through travel, to have encountered and hence been made aware of such problems. Thus it is more difficult for me to feel unjustly treated here in North America because of my learning disability. My problems are indeed miniscule when compared to this. Yet everything is relative and if a North American has not been confronted with such misery it is common for him to feel downhearted and even hopeless when facing learning disability difficulties even in this very sheltered and bountiful part of the world.

### A Success Formula Develops Part 2

Motivation is the Key

Russ Jackson's boot cleats seared through the flesh of my face and indelibly into my memory as I lay helplessly on the field under a pile of bodies. For the fifth time in the practice he had called his favourite play, a quarterback draw over the centre. The result was the same tremendous, rambling, almost leisurely gain, for thirty or forty yards.

Jackson was a mental giant among college football players. Apart from being physically very powerful, he knew exactly how to use the plays at his disposal to best tear a defensive team to best tear a defensive team to shreds. Those of us in the first line of resistance were barely slowing him down. It didn't help that I was only five feet, nine inches tall, 160 pounds and foolhardy enough to try out for the University Varsity team as nose guard. Thankfully, I didn't make this team. I did, however, persist with this silliness as a member of the Faculty of Arts and Science team.

Likewise, the fact that I was a poor skater with "rubber" ankles didn't keep me from playing competitive hockey, albeit at low levels. Collisions with hulking defensemen and sometimes with goalies' fists haunt my memory like a bad dream and I can almost feel the pain today

Whether it is a penchant for masochism or a hellishly competitive nature spiked with foolhardiness, I have always wanted to be a winner in every sense of the word. It is probably this very trait that makes it relatively easy for me to discover, use and perfect the techniques that have helped me overcome many of life's roadblocks. Frequently, the same obstacles have defeated others with a similar problem. My attitude is that there must be a way, if only I can discover it.

The professorial years, filled as they were with frustrations and depression became, on balance, fruitful and productive in strange ways. Atomic Spectrometry, applied to environmental and clinical disciplines was my field.

To the uninitiated this sounds complex. However we were simply employing energy transitions in atoms stimulated by characteristic photon energy values of these transitions to identify atoms (elements), and then elemental species in samples. The amount of said element or species was determined. A simple example would be the determination of the health hazards lead metal and its compounds, in children's toys.

My inability to deal, in large part with complex equipment, lead to a search for simple approaches to achieve complex tasks. In this manner we first developed an atomic fluorescence detector for chromatography (Chromatograph is a powerful technique for separating compounds.) This unique development, the equipment for which cost of the order of a few 10's of thousands of dollars compared to $1 million for a present state-of-the-art detector, proved capable of achieving the same results in my field.

In another unique discovery we developed a plasma source and simple type of mass spectrometer as an element and isotope specific detector for chromatography.

_These inexpensive approaches to complex tasks were of much interest to countries without large amounts of funding. This resulted in much travel to such jurisdictions variously funded by UNESCO, The World Bank and local spo_ n _sors. In this way I lived and worked for short periods in areas comprising every continent except Antarctica_

Fueling thoughts of useful achievement in my case was an old Readers Digest article on the famous brain surgeon, the late Dr. Wilder Penfield from Montreal

He was quoted as opining that the average person uses only 15% of their brain power. I reasoned that if I used a higher percentage I could be more like my normal colleagues. I have spent a lifetime trying to achieve this goal.

Nothing of real significance can be done without motivation. By this I mean red hot drive that cannot be suppressed. To gain the impetus for success a person must believe he can succeed. I strongly believe that for most learning people, success is very possible. In fact I am convinced that by using a method such as mine achievement at a high level is possible.

First it is important to emphasize your positive attributes. If you resemble me in my frustration outlined in the previous section, you will frequently pass through stages where you hate yourself (your "stupidity") your life and want to give up because it's too hard to go on. At these times, try to think of the things you do well (and we all do some tasks well). Write them down. If your memory is poor you will need this tool. If this is difficult for you, ask a family member for help. (My mother saw many positive attributes in me that I would never have identified.) Keep this material on a card - an achievement card - in your wallet and refer to it frequently.

Conventional Learning Methods Don't Work

SECRETS OF SUCCESS- a short summary (Note computers, i-type pads and even i-type phones can be used for the written material suggestions.)

Motivation

Self-discipline

Use as many senses as possible, but emphasize your strengths for learning

(a) is yours auditory (if so read to yourself out loud)

(b) or is it visual (read intensively but in short periodic intervals)

Work in concentrated intervals (thirty to sixty minutes) separated by breaks (ten minutes).

Develop hobbies, music, physical fitness.

Abandon negative thinking. Stop crying over your misfortune and get on with the challenge.

Develop advantages over normal learners (a) better study habits and methods

(b) better organization (I put all my notes and calculations on index cards in summary format)

(c) read more efficiently (Read simple accounts of difficult concepts first, read to find the most important points, read the concluding sections first, read out loud)

(d) take the examination challenge ( don't cram, ask the teacher what is important, study in short intervals repeatedly, use highly summarized material)

(e) better writing capabilities (Repeatedly edit your writing, Say what you want to write out loud, read what you have written out loud and make extensive use of a Thesaurus and Dictionary

Compete With Yourself

Racing against cars! What kind of nutty jogger is this? During my lonely morning jogs on the sidewalks near my home I would often hear a car approaching me on the street from behind. I have learned that to improve my physical conditioning it is important to increase my running pace from time to time. It is hard to motivate myself to do this against the clock, so when I hear cars or other runners I devise a race. I tried to reach a certain point (obviously only a modest distance away) such as a hydrant or a telephone pole, before being passed. Instead of competing with others, which can often be terribly frustrating, compete with yourself for modest improvement. To motivate myself to improve I compete with something ... anything. This same strategy can be used to motivate yourself in learning. It is important to obtain the quickening heartbeat and mental sharpness that are engendered by competition.

Competing against yourself rather than a colleague is a good method of motivation, because it invariably ensures success. Achieving success (at least over the long run) is important in maintaining strong motivation. In the beginning, set modest goals. Too often motivation is dealt a severe blow because of failure to achieve too ambitious a goal.

There will also be periods when even modest success cannot be achieved. During such times, which can occur frustratingly often, it is easy for motivation to flag. When this happens to me, I retain perspective by reviewing my achievement card, reminding myself what I have done well in the past.

**Medical** **Intervention**

Throughout my life I had periods where purchases of a single type of item became an obsession, so much so that I would find myself with countless objects of the same identity among my possessions. As a youngster electronic equipment scattered my room, fro which radios of different types emerged. In those days electronics consisted of high voltage and amperage components so I was fortunate that I did not electrocute myself in ignorance. In later years I acquired sick short wave radios for next to nothing and spent hours in their repair. For a while I bought dozens of coats. Then sweaters became the item of choice. At one time I discovered I had 50 pet birds in aviaries in the basement. Most of these were Australian parrots and finches. Next cameras became the dominant subject of my desire, resulting in over 10, mostly of poor quality or of a vintage that was discontinued and for which film was unavailable. These days were spent in pawn brokers negotiating cheap prices on dusty old stock. Today I am wrapped up in computers, purchasing new and old styles alike always with a an application in mind or a repair challenge. In the case of the latter my son-in-law became the frustrated manipulator of often useless equipment when my meager capabilities give out. Through these years and still continuing, Maureen suffered severely with my mania and tried her best to keep me in check. One gambit was to restrict me to one credit card with a low upper limit.

When I reached middle age my present psychiatrist decided this behavior suggested Manic Depression (Bipolar). Lithium is the treatment of choice and 2 tablets a day were prescribed. This decreased some of the problem feelings that I described as a major behavioral impediments in Chapter 1. Of course there were no improvements in learning disability problems. However I was beginning to shake so badly after 3 weeks that I could not hold plates and cutlery. This was a lithium side effect and different medication with less side effects was prescribed. I still have serious manic tendencies but depression has been reduced.

Motivation Comes in Many Forms

Motivation can come in many forms in a lifetime. For me, it has frequently come disguised as a person.

Pink and red geraniums spilled from tree-like stems down the front of a somewhat dilapidated dark green, slatted fence. There stood Alan (now Sir Alan) behind the gate, wine glass in hand, beckoning to us in his, by now, familiar and very friendly way. It was January, but the brilliant Australian summer sun was almost completely absorbed by the dark red Cabernet Sauvignon in the glass grasped gently in his hand, casting a shimmering reflection on the footpath. The orb's extreme intensity was evident almost everywhere. A bright red flowering eucalyptus tree bordering the sidewalk buzzed incessantly from its blanket of bees. We had arrived at the Walsh home in Brighton (a suburb of Melbourne) for what promised to be another idyllic sojourn

I was invited to spend a sabbatical year, in 1975, at the CSIRO, Division of Chemical Physics in Melbourne, Australia. This scientific organization was the birthplace of a revolutionary technique of chemical analysis. The name of the technique atomic absorption spectrometry - conjures up to the layman thoughts of extreme complexity. On the contrary, its most important feature is its simplicity. In fact, the technique is so readily learned that even people with little or no specific scientific training often excel at its use. It was its inherent simplicity that appealed to me. Being learning disabled, I was always on the lookout for relatively uncomplicated techniques.

For about twelve years before this sabbatical, I had been engaged in research involving atomic absorption spectrometry. Unfortunately, Alan Walsh, the "inventor" of this approach had so clearly and with such full detail, described the technique in his original publication in 1956, that later researchers such as me were left with little chance of making a very significant contribution in the field. In fact, time had proven that although Sir Alan's technique is used for about 60% of all chemical analyses worldwide (estimate 1995), there have been only two significant contributions to the approach (one by a Russian and one by another Australian) since that date.

Alan Walsh has always been one of my greatest motivators. Here was an expatriate Brit, brought to Australia during the Second World War. While he preferred gardening and gold to chemistry, he became one of the most important scientists of this century. In recognition of this fact he was later knighted by the Queen. His story is inspirational and when told, never fails to bring a lump to my throat.

Sir Alan, as part of the war effort, was required to provide chemical analyses for war-related industry in Australia. An example of a required and crucial chemical test was the determination of the levels of metals contaminating used aircraft engine oils. Knowing this, it was possible to predict when the engine was going to fail without needing to disassemble the whole engine. After the war, similar difficulties faced the food, agricultural, mining and metallurgical industries. Like his colleagues, Sir Alan had been impressed with the great difficulty and time-consuming nature of such tasks using existing techniques. With these approaches, it would be essential to have large numbers of highly trained scientists to do the work. Such a brain trust was not available in many of the smaller countries such as Australia and Canada. It was with this strong motivating factor that Sir Alan developed the relatively simple technique of atomic absorption spectrometry.

It seemed certain that such a development would be immediately put to use by the chemists of his age, but quite the opposite was the case. For five years there were very few accounts of its use. Difficulties and discouragements fostered by early, poorly designed commercial equipment forced Sir Alan to produce a competitive instrument. Because of an Australian Government regulation he was not able to share in the patent rights to his own invention, so he gave the equipment away to "selected" scientists. These researchers readily demonstrated the overwhelming simplicity and usefulness of the technique and this stimulated industry to produce better equipment.

Surely at this point Sir Alan would receive worldwide acclaim. Again, the opposite was closer to the truth. Many scientists pursuing more conventional approaches, and jealous of this important contribution, tried to discredit his pre-eminent position in the discovery. Others, particularly those companies with a vested financial interest in existing equipment for conventional approaches, attacked his findings endeavouring to show that important points in his conclusions were in error. Fortunately, neither group was successful in their denigrations and Sir Alan, after ten years of frustration, finally received the accolades he deserved. Strangely, however, he has never directly profited, monetarily, from his discovery. Despite multi-million dollar industry profits, Sir Alan was, if anything, in a loss position financially.

The vast majority of us will never be associated with a discovery of such a magnitude. However, if we were, it is likely that the severe difficulties Sir Alan encountered would cause us to abandon the project. Certainly this would be the case for me. When I cast back in my mind and call up the image of this simple, unassuming, fun-loving scientist who, despite overwhelming adversity, reached the pinnacle of scientific success, I am ashamed at my depression over my much lesser problems.

I challenge the reader to look around. There will be many who are worse off than you and yet make very significant contributions to life. To me this is the ultimate in motivation.

When I speak to groups of children and parents about my learning disability I am often asked how a son or a daughter can be motivated. In reply I tell the following story.

Competitive hockey is an all-consuming, all enveloping past time for my son. In his earlier years, without hockey, I feared he would drift into inactivity and laziness. Thus it was with chagrin that I noted toward the end of his pee-wee year in hockey (ages 12-13) that his play was beginning to lack intensity. He seemed to be losing his motivation to play hard enough to be picked for the next year's team. To counteract this, I decided to chide him after each game. For the last two months of the season, I hoped to be the burr under his saddle, so to speak, which would irritate him enough to make him play harder. So I would say, "You must play more aggressively. I mean, you look like a wimp out there. Anyone can knock you over. I want you to dig the puck out of the corners, skate harder and get back fast (he was a defenseman) to put a body check on the forwards. You've got to put the body on more! Your lack of aggressive play is pathetic! You'll never make the team next year!"

Despite the cajoling I noted little improvement in his play. Then, on the final Sunday of the season, the coach decided to have a "fun" game between fathers and sons. About half way through the final period, with the score tied 3-3, I was passed the puck at centre ice. Looking ahead, I saw there was no one between me and the opposing goalie. Pictures of me, the hero who was responsible for beating my son's team, flashed through my mind. I took three or four strong strides toward the goal when WHACK!, out of nowhere I was hit by what felt like a fast traveling truck. Down I went and my head hit the ice. I must have been unconscious for a few seconds. Then, gradually, I drifted back from the fog. I was lying on my back looking up when out of the mist my son appeared over me with his stick held menacingly in front of his chest. As he saw me coming around he said, "Dad, was that aggressive enough?"

You see, you never really know what will motivate a child. The next year he played with his usual very high intensity and had little trouble making the team.

Concentrate on Your Strengths

In our Spring of 1988 (Australian Fall) I traveled to Sydney to help a colleague set up and commission a new piece of scientific equipment, a plasma source mass spectrometer. This instrument was one of the first useful commercial offerings in the field. I had used a prototype of the equipment for two or three years in my own lab. Despite my early frustration with my equipment, I was one of only a handful of scientists in the world with relatively long experience in this area. To alleviate the expected tension that I would face while struggling to commission my colleague's instrument, I volunteered to coach ice hockey in a competitive league in New South Wales.

When I arrived in Canterbury, a suburb of Sydney, the bantam hockey team had never won even one game. After one practice session under my direction the team made it to the grand final in an Easter hockey tournament. Even though we lost the final, the success the team experienced during this brief interaction with my methods and motivation, was very uplifting. Drawing on my hockey coaching experience at home made it quite simple for me to help turn the team's fortunes around. I noted that the opposing teams frequently shot the puck out of their own end, not against the boards as teams in Canada were always taught, but up through the centre of the ice (the slot). I simply instructed my best goal scorer to position himself in the slot every time the opposing team tried to bring the puck out. Because of this, he scored five goals in our first game!

It was so easy for a Canadian to coach ice hockey successfully in a country like Australia, where ice hockey is a minor sport. With a few new "tricks" and a highly motivated team, success can almost be assured. Such success was essential for me because I knew how frustrated I would be with the scientific work, for which I really went.

Frustration came and in buckets full. This was British equipment quite unlike the Canadian version I possessed. The software required a computer expert's daily presence. The instruments DOS based computer crashed hourly.

The importance of doing things that you know you can do well to balance the academic and vocational frustrations that commonly occur for the learning disabled are obvious.

Despite the difficulties encountered with the equipment the job was completed with success, in a shorter than anticipated time. Leaving well enough alone was never my strong suit. Having time on my hands I decided to enter the testing phase. The first chemical solution sample I tried dissolved the nebullizer, an expensive device on the bottom of the plasma torch. Needless to say I decided to abandon this extra work.

Self Discipline is Vital

Nothing eats away at the underpinnings of motivation more insidiously than lack of success in a landmark task. My first book had a senior coauthor, my research director during my PhD. Out of the talent pool he had, why he chose me was a mystery.

We were being jerked about like a kite on a windy day. Our publisher, a large and well known scientific book company, was on the verge of canceling our contract. There had recently been several serious arguments relating to the content, format and length of the book. This was in spite of what we felt was a firm agreement on these matters signed three years before. (During the same period, several of my research papers had also been turned down by the scientific publishers.)

A final letter came stating that several sections of the book were not in the format required for publication and that changes were essential. A close scrutiny of the requested modifications revealed they were entirely in segments I had prepared. My first reaction was to abandon the task.

Throughout my life, abandonment of any project was very uncharacteristic of my behaviour. In this instance the frustration of the work had threatened the research side of my commitments. Thus the manuscript remained abandoned on my desk and soon was hidden in the usual untidy mess. I had not even informed my senior author of its non-progress. Reappearance during a hunt for other material jolted me back to an embarrassed reunion with the offending work. Surprisingly its absence from my attentions proved fortunate because I found myself able to begin again with revisions. How amazing it is to find that the rejected material really was in bad condition despite all my earlier changes. This realization became common in my career and often I would wonder whether progress was really occurring.

Beamish, the senior author, with his characteristic tenacity, began his part of the chore. The manuscript, which had already been three years in preparation, was subjected to additional severe modifications and corrections over the next seven months. It was immediately resubmitted. Imagine our horror when three weeks later a letter came asking us to allow the publisher out of the contract. All this time, hours of frustration, blood, sweat and tears and now rejection! Beamish, in the meantime, had become seriously ill and was recovering slowly. This news and the uncertainty it implied about the publication future of an important segment of his life's work was, in my view, a devastating blow from which he never fully recovered.

I could neither anticipate nor expect any further help from Beamish. The predicament was mine. Every time the dilemma crossed my mind I broke out in a cold sweat. Indeed, it got so I could not broach the subject without a torrent of self-pity mixed with a strong desire to throw the manuscript in the garbage. However, forcing myself to begin I wrote to a variety of new publishers. Within a few months we had negotiated another contract. Again changes, which were made over what seemed to be an eternity (actually about six months) were essential. But this time the publication process was completed.

In retrospect, this was for me the turning point on the tortuous pathway to professional respectability. I had used strong self-discipline in a task that seemed to involve insurmountable odds and had won. I was now confident that the mechanism for modest success was in place. All that was essential was an overwhelming tenacity to the task. Never mind that the route was, and always will be, severed with seemingly unbreachable chasms. Ignore the fact that these impediments do not exist for many of my colleagues. I was now confident that the bridges could be constructed and the roadbed built, albeit laboriously, to successfully overcome these difficulties.

It was 3:00 a.m. as I tiptoed through the house to let the dog out. As I passed the family room door, there, in the glow of the blank TV screen and one small lamp, I saw my daughter, a study card in hand. She appeared to be in the exact same position where I had left her the evening before. But now, scattered in every direction between the sofa and the coffee table, lay a blanket of notes. It was the early morning of her final exam in first-year psychology

My eldest daughter has had to work so very hard for every mark in every exam and every assignment. Instead of giving up as studies got tough, like several of her friends had done, she worked harder and harder. This type of work habit did not develop overnight. The groundwork was laid in elementary school. Then "gradually, through the high school years self discipline grew. She had learned to put studies before social events, sports and hobbies. She was even able to study during brief periods of illness. Now, at the advent of her university career, she had arrived with the discipline to do whatever was necessary to pass examinations and to complete projects well and on time. None of this disciplined approach to her studies came as a result of parental prodding. It was a classic case of self-discipline. Her study pattern had become exemplary.

The procedure was this. Beginning with the first lectures, she summarized all course material onto study cards. This material was then committed to memory during regularly designated study periods, several times each week. Yet she was not pleased with her preparation unless she spent most of the night before an exam in continual review of the material. Then a very short period was left for rest and sleep (if she could). In this one respect I do not concur with her approach. I suggest it is better to go to bed at the normal hour. But as I recollect back to my own tenure as a university student, I cannot imagine that my approach could have been much different.

Do you have the self discipline to regularly force yourself to do work you find difficult or distasteful? For me, library research - the reading of scientific papers that relate to my own work is essential to maintaining a viable research program. My extreme difficulties with reading make such a task detestable. In fact, I have often considered that attending a funeral is about on the same level of enjoyment as library research. Yet, not only have I forced myself to do such reading on a regular basis, but I have even extended the limits and depth of coverage to the point that I end up writing and publishing critical reviews of the material. This latter undertaking stems naturally from the reading and summarization methodology that I am obliged to employ to understand and then become knowledgeable on such subjects. In this way I can often turn a reading disadvantage into a small vocational achievement.

Schizophrenic Self Belief

As was suggested earlier, I find it helpful to make a list of those items in which I have acceptable skills (I have these on a card in my wallet)., In my case the following few modest achievements can be tabulated:

1. I have proven success in easily summarizable sciences.

  2. I can write acceptably (6 books and many research papers).

3. I have heard and read good comments on my teaching.

  4. I once won five-kilometer and ten-kilometer running races in my age category.

5. I do well as a hockey and baseball coach.

This may seem to be a very egotistical thing to do. But it is ever so important for the learning disabled to recognize and clearly outline in his own mind those items in which he does, and can do, well. So much of the learning disabled's life is negative that highlighting attributes, no matter how few these may seem, is very important. I may take this a bit too far. Sometimes the thought flashes through my mind that if I tried hard enough and stuck to it I could probably do anything I set my mind to. I must hasten to emphasize, however, that such elated feelings can be preceded and followed by extended periods of very negative self thoughts and depression.

"And in first place in the forty to fifty year old class is .... " I was already on my feet and heading rapidly toward the stage to receive my winner's trophy when the announcer said, "Mike Thomas .... " Quickly I returned to my seat, my face flushing a cherry red from embarrassment. But I repeated this performance for each of the second and third place announcements.

I had just run in the five-kilometer, 1985 Annual Great Canadian Beach Run at Sauble Beach, Ontario. (In 1984 I was the winner in my age class.) At the start the 300 or so contestants were boxed in together milling about like penned heifers at branding time. After about the one-kilometer mark the field was spreading out nicely. My pace was excellent and, as I gazed ahead from my position among the leaders, I couldn't see any of the "older" men who might be in my class. Although I fell back somewhat during the course of the race, I judged that no runners in my age category had passed me by. At the finish I put on a burst of speed and crossed the finish line just seconds ahead of a weary contestant who was' also in the forty to fifty class. Naturally, we assumed we had come first and second. To fortify this belief I saw the race officials writing our names at the top of the forty to fifty age class sheet.

Elated, I ran to the phone to inform my wife of my achievement, asking her to come to the award ceremony and to bring my camera. Miss Sauble Beach, a willowy blonde of exquisite proportions, was to give out the prizes with a kiss for each Winner.

"They must have mixed the age categories," I thought. This was the only logical explanation of why I had not received the call as winner. During a short break in the ceremonies before the next age class was to be announced I approached the judges. They sat in a group on the stage next to the announcer. Then, in front of the whole audience, I blurted out that surely a mistake had been made and I had been wrongfully denied the winner's position. One of the startled judges, thinking that his integrity was being questioned, bolted from the stage and retrieved the original race records. Shuffling through these he retrieved the pertinent page and held it before my unbelieving eyes. My name didn't even appear on this sheet. There were so many runners ahead of me in the forty to fifty class that a whole page had been completed before I finished. The new sheet where I had seen my name being added was actually page two!

This story has turned into a good joke for me to relate proving again that I am, in some instances, able to laugh at myself.

Related to schizophrenic self belief was my recently developed lack of fear in trying anything once. From time to time I am asked to undertake a duty in my profession that I feel certain will end in disaster. In my view, it is worse not to attempt a task than to fail in carrying it out. Of course, I must have a strong interest in the undertaking or the motivation will not be adequate.

Some years ago I was asked to be the general chairman of a biennial international conference in my field of research. I was at an early point in my career and I felt I had not made a sufficient scientific contribution to be entrusted with the job. I came to the realization, however, that there was no one else in Canada, in my field, who would undertake the task. Despite my concern about personal adequacy, I agreed. The conference ended in being a great success. This was not only because of my borderline capability and hard work but because I was able to obtain the right scientists to fill the key positions on the committee. I then delegated to them all the important and difficult duties.

Another challenge that I undertook did not turn out quite so well I was asked to deliver one of three keynote addresses at an important international conference being held in Europe. My first reaction was to turn down the invitation, but eventually I agreed. One year before this event I had summarized all the important science that I felt I should present. This was then formulated into a very simple slide format. Throughout the year I updated the material. Then the slides were finalized several weeks before my departure.

My address was to be on the last day of the five-day conference. Because of my fears that I might fail in this task, I did not attend the first four days. Instead, I stayed in the hotel and rehearsed the talk. In addition, and because there would be a question period, I continuously reviewed related material that I had summarized on cards.

Nine o'clock on the fifth day of the conference my talk began. Part way through the presentation it came to my mind that I was doing well. Thus I gained momentum and finished with a flourish. Just as I was congratulating myself on pulling it off, the Chairman asked for questions. The first (and last) was as follows

A colleague from the United States stated, "A student I met had read your recent book and he suggested that I obtain it for use in my laboratory. Could you please tell me the title and publisher?" Believe it or not, I could not remember the title! I had to admit this before the audience of 800 scientists. My instant reaction was: I am sure they were all thinking, "If he can't even remember the title of his own book, how good could the science have been in his lecture?" Not surprisingly, no more questions were forthcoming.

Disasters such as this contributed greatly to the developing view that I must learn to stop worrying so much about what others think of me.

In addition I am very often overly critical of myself As bad as my book title _faux pas_ was, it did not undo all the credibility in my lecture. In the same vein, several years ago, I produced a booklet of proceedings of a seminar series on the element nitrogen. When I proudly handed a copy to my boss, I was horrified when, in a fit of anger, he tore off the front cover, I had spelled the word "nitrogen" incorrectly. Previously I was plunged into depths of depression over the continuing series of incidents such as these that occurred in my career. Fortunately, today, I can say that in large part I have stopped worrying about what people think of me in this regard. So, in many cases, I will try anything once without fear of the consequences of failure

Despite this renaissance in my life, many of the undesirable old traits of character persist. I am still unable to fully enjoy the company of others outside my family. I shrink at my inability to contribute meaningfully to topics of everyday conversation. It is a point of extreme annoyance that I cannot read through the normal length of a newspaper article and derive anything substantial about the subject without resorting to my "tricks" of summarization. Even then, the details and soon the flavour, of the article vanish from memory. Again, I was so wrapped up in self-pity that I was devoid of real feelings of human kindness. In this hostile attitude I was wasting my own and my family's lives away.

It is important to stress that monumental difficulties still occur frequently in my life (and will undoubtedly in yours). In the face of such frustration it is logical to ask how one maintains the self-discipline and motivation to continue. Many times I can devise no convincing answer other than the memory that I once succeeded in the face of insurmountable odds. Luckily, although the details (feelings, sequences and actual mechanisms evoked to resolve the problem) have long since faded into the persistent mists of my memory, the overall confidence that the solution of the problem left, has never totally disappeared.

In 1980, with surprising abruptness, my life changed for the better. I was finally made aware of my learning disability. Henceforth, I no longer spent endless hours berating myself for my "stupidity". Granted this feeling recurred, and still does, but its intensity had subsided. At times 1 could even steer my thoughts quite quickly back to more fruitful pathways. For me, the realization that I had a "mechanical fault" and not an inherent stupidity, was the difference between night and day. Mechanical problems were understandable. This type, though not medically rectifiable, could at least be minimized. Immediately, I was thrust into the discipline of learning disabilities in which there were methodologies and theories that promised help. No longer was I battling the irrefutable limitation of stupidity! The most surprising realization, though, was yet to come. I had independently and unwittingly acquired, throughout the long years of my schooling and my vocation, coping techniques that I discovered were the very foundation for remedying problems relating to learning disabilities.

Although I have now reached a new and much higher plateau on the scale of emotional stability, I still find myself using my learning disability as an excuse not to force myself toward difficult achievements. It is from this perspective that I realize I might never have attempted a Ph.D., nor undertaken to write scientific textbooks had I known of my disability earlier. The motivation to prove to others, but even more importantly, to convince myself, that I was not stupid, had forced me to academic achievement.

It is in this context that I sometimes speak of this process having provided me a learning advantage".

Without a doubt my problem commonly termed a learning disability, did not prevent me from learning at a level sufficient to earn a PhD, become a Full Professor at the University of Toronto, develop a dynamic research program which resulted in 2 unique and important investigation tools in environmental chemistry and write 6 books together with 120 peer reviewed research papers.

Thus I feel certain that despite collateral difficulties and frustrations in implementing the normal learning techniques of traditional educational institutions a person such as me is better termed a "Special Learner".

More importantly many those of you among the 10% of the general population with so called learning disabilities can likewise learn coping technique work arounds and become the successes you deserve to be and thus earn the term "Special Learners".

Conventional Learning Methods Don't Work

SECRETS OF SUCCESS

Motivation

Self-discipline

Use as many senses as possible, but emphasize your strengths for learning

(a) is yours auditory (if so read to yourself out loud)

(b) or is it visual (read intensively but in short periodic intervals)

Work in concentrated intervals (thirty to sixty minutes) separated by breaks (ten minutes).

Develop hobbies, music, physical fitness.

Abandon negative thinking. Stop crying over your misfortune and get on with the challenge.

Develop advantages over normal learners (a) better study habits and methods

(b) better organization (I put all my notes and calculations on index cards in summary format)

(c) read more efficiently (Read simple accounts of difficult concepts first, read to find the most important points, read the concluding sections first, read out loud)

(d) take the examination challenge ( don't cram, ask the teacher what is important, study in short intervals repeatedly, use highly summarized material)

(e) better writing capabilities (Repeatedly edit your writing, Say what you want to write out loud, read what you have written out loud and make extensive use of a Thesaurus and Dictionary

