You know those miser dads? those Gujarati miser dads?
The only place you can find them, is at my home…
And that is my pure gujarati dad.
He makes us promises like …
“We will go to Africa for Safari.”
“We will go to Africa for Safari.”
Ends up taking us to Gir Forest.
Initially he wanted to take us Kamatibaug Zoo
Is there anyone who went to Gir Forest?
Yeah yeah right. Even the cars are Preserved there...
That stone aged Flintstone’s Car
The main feature of that car is that
You touch that car anywhere
and your hands will catch rust
Be it the body or the rods
leather Seats... Rubber Tyre...
You touch it anywhere, it’s just rusty
And the authorities say “It will protect you from wild animals”
I was like “why? Are the animals scared of tetanus vaccination?”
My dad saw that car and shouted in excitement
“Deep! Deep!, I’ll drive the car!”
I said, “No way, you are a Salman Khan Fan so please no.”
“And there will be deer in this forest as well”
So please don’t try...
So we paid extra 50 bucks and hired Guide
That guide was amazing and high AF
I don’t know what plant he used to smoke from that forest
So We drove for 10 mins and he started the tour
“keep looking around you... Sparrow’s area starts from here”
“You’ll find one if you are lucky”
After 10 more minutes he said
“From here, wild Pig’s area begins...
If they are lucky, they will see you”
30 minutes into the safari he says...
“Now begins the area of Lions ...
may the lucky force be with you”
From past 30 minutes we are inside the forest
Forget about Lion, Pig or Sparrow...
We didn’t even saw a single drop of Sparrow’s Shit...
My mother got bored af and she said…
“Deep Deep I am bored, Let’s do something Gujju here”
I was like “Should I take out theplas from the bag?”
She said “No... moregujju...”
I said “Mom, we can’t do garba here in the jungle”
Just imagine my mom doing garba around the jeep…
And Atul dada is sitting on the bonnet singing 
"Wah Beta!"
I asked her “what you want to do then?”
She said “let’s play Antakshari!!!”
In my family, no matter what the occasion is
Antakshari is the main thing
When a Baby is born – Antakshari
The same kid topped in exams – Antakshari
He got married – Antakshari
Even after his marriage on his honeymoon
The guy shuts the door and then . . .
And the winner gets the Milk!
One of my uncle went next level in playing Antakshari
He once played Antakshari with a dead body at a funeral
“Hey Rakesh, Hey Raklaaa, sing from Sa”
“Hey…. Sa”
*Rakesh’s Body Contemplating*
“Tick Tick One!!!”
And do you remember that title song that who will get Ma…
Does anyone knows it here…. What is it?
*Antakshari Fanatic in the Audience
“Bethe bethe kya karein…”*
“Bethe bethekyakarein” right?
It starts with so much excitement
that the whole town will get 'Ma' and we will name it Mandwa.
But when it about to come to yourself, the speed of the song slows down gradually.
*Begins the game with full enthusiasm*
*Self doubt begins to crouch on mind*
*LIFE SUCKS*
And everytime you get 'Ma', the only song comes to your mind is…
“MaiyaaaaYashodaaaaa”
My mom started singing that song in the middle of the forest.
I said “mom please, not this one. Not this one.”
She asked “Why?”
I said “I was in your womb for 9 months and you sang the same song. So please.”
“My ears are Bleeding.”
There is one player in Antakshari, who along with singing, plays the musical instruments with mouth.
*My New Phone Ringtone*
“You got ANGGGG”
My mom was singing but then she stopped in the middle.
I asked her “What happened? Did you forget the lyrics.”
She said “No no. There is a lion in the front.”
Mom and I were both shocked that it’s a real lion.
My dad woke up from the his sleep slurping
“Whattt... A lion!”
But the person who was scared the most was the Guide
“Where did he come from?”
“I have never seen even a dog in 25 years of my career.”
“Forget dog, I have never even seen a drop of Sparrow’s Shit.”
He was in complete shock.
We were looking at the lion, the lion was looking at us. We kept looking.
Lion kept looking too and then he disappeared into the bushes.
I said “Dude, it was great.”
“Now make a U-Turn. We should leave.”
Guide was about to start the Jeep, just then my mom shouted “Nooooo”
I said “Mom what happened? Now if the lion comes, he will bite us because of your scream.”
“What’s the problem?”
She said “The Car won’t go any further.”
I asked “Why?”
She said “The Cat just crossed our path.”
I said “Mom, it was a lion. . .
And a real one, with four legs. Not Modiji, Like a real one.”
“What's your problem?”
And this is not the only superstition that my family believes in.
There are lot more like this.
If the cat crosses our path, something bad will happen…
If a glass break, it’s good…
If karnisena crosses the path, cars will burn.
If deepika crosses the road, the nose will get cut down.
A lot more like this.
There is this one more superstition…
That if the Flip flops are upside down….
Enthusiastic Audience: “Then people fight”
I know.
You all have been through it, right?
So any one of the elders comes along and says
“Flip it please. Keep it properly.”
When he told me 2-3 times, I thought he might be having some OCD. Why do I care?
I flipped it. Kept it properly.
He kept nagging me “Flip it, flip it.”
Even took me to neighbours house, “Come here come here. Flip these also.”
I said “Come here come here… What the reason for this?”
He said “People fight within family.”
I said “It’s not because of these flip flops.
But because of you constantly nagging me about it
I might punch you real hard.”
Just imagine, my mom called my dad every day and telling him…
“Come here. Listen bro. I am talking to you.”
“Keep your flip flops properly. I don’t like it upside down”
And my dad is like “NO. MahChappals, Mah Rules. B***h!!!”
My dad got beaten with the same Flip flop.
My mom has become so serious regarding the flip flop superstition that…
Whenever she feels that my dad has messed up…
She keeps the flip flops upside down at the doorstep.
So when my dad comes from office with full joy
“It’s my life… Ohhhhhhhhh”
“Did I fuck up again?”
Then he calls me from outside…
“Hello Deep. I will come late from Office today.”
I said “I am sitting in the drawing room, and I can hear you. Come inside.”
He said “Tell your mother, I will be late.”
I said “Why don’t you tell her yourself.”
He said “No nono. She will be spit hellfire.”
I said “Do one thing, atleast call her.”
He said “No nono. She will get angry on the phone also.”
I said “At least drop her a Whatsapp. Keep that much of a courtesy.”
He said “Oh no nono. Her whatsapp dp is also of Inverted Flip flops.”
Earlier I used to think that why…
why my mom is looking for reasons to fight… why?
Then I came to know that My father is a Messing Machine.
Yes
I will tell you one incident
I found my dad sleeping on the couch one morning.
I said “Dad…"
"Dad…"
"Heyyy!!!"
Dad wakes up slurping “What? Did the lion come?”
“It’s not lion. It’s me.”
“Why are sleeping here. Go sleep in your bedroom.”
Dad: “Your mom kicked me out from bedroom in the Midnight.”
I said “You have been married for 29 years and you have two kids.”
“What did you do at this age, that mom kicked you out in the Midnight?”
Dad: “So both of us were sleeping...
and suddenly there was a Fart sound.”
“Damn it bruh!!!”
“How many times have I told you not to eat Digestion tablets before sleeping.”
Dad: “NO Bruh! I JUST LAUGHED.”
