Before the episode starts, I must apologize for the black outlines in the start of the video.
The reason it's there was because the guy who uploaded the original race didn't want to get copyrighted by FOM.
*Who does?*
And therefore put a black outline on the video.
Or- certain parts of the video, as far as I'm concerned.
So-
*Enjoy the episode?*
(loudly) fuck you, FOM! (mild chuckle)
Let's get back to the video, shall we?
("Thunderbirds" theme plays)
(beep) (drum beat)
The next weeki-
The next weekly convention of neckbearded motorsports fans takes place in Silverstone for the British Grand Prix.
And obviously predicted, it's a McLaren-Ferrari-McLaren-Ferrari first two rows.
So as always…
*We'll expect to see Hakkinen get off to a good start?*
…no jokes before the start of the race.
*Good, they're not even that funny anyway*
Or… if you want the series to become a circlejerk of itself,
we'll have all the jokes at once.
*I don't think that's a good idea*
(All the jokes play at once)
(beep) So here we are.
*Five lights and hopefully a good showing for Schumacher!*\
Once again for the British Grand Prix!
Both the McLarens rocket off the starting line but Jacques Villeneuve and Alex Zanardi both stall on the grid.
*Typical Jacques Villeneuve*
And before you take the task of challenging me, they ARE in different teams.
*Oh good, you've not made the same mistake for a 3rd time this season*
I just don't- I just won't say which one. (lol)
So, predictably, the race was stopped and-
HOLY SHIT!!!
*FUCK, that looked nasty*
What was that?
*That was a car spearing off at Stowe corner into the tyre barrier*
*It looks like a Ferrari unfortunately*
(concerned) Is that Schumacher?!
*This is really upsetting to me but hey, there's still 8 races left this season!*
(distressed) No!!!
(Sad violin music starts playing)
(sad laughing)
(Chris' use of humor as a coping mechanism quickly goes away)
He's okay.
*He's Michael Schumacher, of course he'll be okay!*
(sniff) He'll just get in the spare car, right? (sniff)
*See? You're making much ado about nothing. Schumacher's fine!*
(Chris continues to chuckle)
What do you mean he's bROKEN HIS LEG!??
*WAIT WHAT THE FUCK THAT CAN'T HAPPEN*
He's SCHUMACHER, for God's sake!
*THAT IS FAKE NEWS, SCHUMACHER'S LEG IS FINE*
He's inVINCIBLE!
*IF CHRIS SAYS IT THEN IT'S TRUE, SCHUMI'S LEG IS JUST FINE*
(anguished and stubborn) I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS!
(beep)
(heavy exhale)
So- Schumacher's hit the wall…
and will most likely be out- for a few races.
*This was supposed to be his year!*
So…
I've asked myself this question:
*"How much worse is my season review gonna get now that its main focus has been removed from it?"?*
Who do I root for now?
(sniff)
*Well who on the grid is more or less from the same part of the world as you?*
*I say that but then I remember Jacques Villeneuve is on the grid. Ignore that*
I'm not gonna be rooting for Hakkinen because that's stchupid.
And Coulthard never wins anything, so that's that.
*There's Damon Hill*
So the only liable option is…
…Eddie Irvine.
*You could also support Johnny Herbert in the Stewart*
Oh God.
*If not Damon Hill then the other Jordan of Frentzen could also be worth supporting*
Now that I've put that image in my head…
…I don't know WHAT to think.
*What I'M thinking now is how much of a cunt Senna was to have punched Irvine at Suzuka in 1993*
Ehh.
*It's almost like he didn't know Irvine would be in a team-leading position!*
Either way, I'm gonna lose. So-
let's continue the race.
*This season happened 15 years ago, we already know you're gonna lose*
So here we are again,
(Chris stays monotone) ♪Sad and lonely without♪
(still monotone) ♪a fiiiiiiire♪ (beep)
For some reason, the video cuts away after the start of the race.
So we're starting at lap 2, so…
*If only there was some sort of legitimate video service where we could see high-quality archival F1 footage*
…what the fuck?
Hakkinen's obviously in the lead, followed by Irvine, Coulthard, Frentzen, Schumacher-
(music plays in the background)
(Chris whimpers knowing the superior Schumacher has lost the physical ability to race)
and Damon Hill.
(music continues to play in the background)
Wait. Damon Hill's in the points?
Holy shit, this is incredible!
*It's incredible for a world champion to be in the points? I mean I expect it with Villeneuve but never Hill*
Let's hope he can stay in the points.
*Then again he WAS at Arrows in 1997 so I can see how that makes sense*
(reporter): -he's [Schumacher] been taken to the medical center; he has an injury to his bottom half of his right leg,
(reporter): He's now been taken to the nearest hospital at Silverst- to Silverstone Circuit,
(reporter): where he will have X-rays
(reporter): and additional medical care.
(reporter): We will be in a position to tell you later, I hope, in the next few hours, exactly what uh-uh his injuries are.
(reporter): He is conscious,
(reporter): He is ok- uh-uh- in a little pain,
(reporter): but, uh, Jean Todt has flown with him to the hospital,
(reporter): and we will keep you updated as things progress.
HA!!
Told you!
*Told me what exactly?*
He's a BOSS.
A BROKEN leg and he's in a little pain.
*He may be anaesthetized to aid matters for all you know*
He'll be back on his feet in no time.
*Yes, but he'll need crutches to walk*
(quietly): I-
…think so, anyway.
*Well the F399 has proven itself a quick car, so I think Ferrari will be okay this season*
Honestly, (heavy exhale)
what's the point anymore?
*This may be hard to accept, but Michael Schumacher isn't the be all and end all of F1*
*There are other drivers who want to win too*
What's the point of reviewing the rest of the season if Hakkinen's gonna win everything? You KNOW he will.
*Well Eddie Irvine's won a race this season*
He's withstood Schumacher for the entirety of 1998 and so far in 1999.
*Well Coulthard also had a chance to win in France had his car not failed*
So what's the po-
Oh God, is that a wheel?
IS THAT HAKKINEN?!
*IT IS LMAO*
(Chris laughs his head off while "The Price Is Right" theme plays in the background)
YYYEAHHHAAA!!!!
(TPIR theme continues to play)
FFFFUCKIN' BEAUTY!!!!!
(Chris continues to overcelebrate to the TPIR theme)
*Sidenote, I have no idea why you used that theme both for the '98 British GP AND the '99 GP*
(Chris starts to cough from too many Mar- I mean celebrating too loudly)
*Music stops so we can hear Chris cough*
(Chris coughs then burps)
Oh God, I'm gonna be sick. (burp)
(beep)
Okay.
I'm gonna make sure nothing else…
interesting happens for the rest of the race, using the help of Wikipedia.
*Couldn't you have done this BEFORE you reviewed the race?*
(Chris mutters to himself as he reads through the Wikipedia entry for the 1999 British Grand Prix)
*Ladies and gentlemen, the professionalism of CookProductions1 on full display*
*You could add to this page, you know*
Takagi?!
*You've never even given a blind bit of thought to Takagi the whole series and now you pay attention to him?*
Oh wow, that's depressing.
*Almost as depressing as the state of your channel*
Okay, it's uh- it's fine.👏🏻
David Coulthard crosses the line to WIN the British Grand Prix!!!!
*You've never been this excited for him all season so why are you starting now all of a sudden?*
Even though I said he never wins anything!
*Well he never wins anything notable so you're right in that sense*
Hah.
(Some rock song I can't be bothered to find the name of plays)
Long as it's Hakkinen, it's fine. I don't give a shit.
*What if Jordan gets another win this season? Or even Eddie Irvine? Would you give a shit then?*
*Or, if for some reason, it's another team entirely? Like Benetton? Or even Stewart?*
