(laughter)
- How y'all doing?
Ya good?
- [Audience] Whoo!
- Yeah?
Y'all scared?
Good.
That's good.
I feel like everyone's
scared right now.
You know with the whole
collusion impeachment thing
going on right now.
I think everyone's scared.
I'm not because
I'm from Nigeria.
(laughter)
Yeah yeah.
We're one of the most
politically corrupt countries
on the planet so--
(laughter)
Yeah we did that shit.
Yeah.
(laughter)
It's like not scary to me,
you know,
'cause that's not
a real scandal.
'Cause like when the
collusion thing happened
all Nigerians were looking
at each other like,
"Oh ya just started colluding?
"Oh okay--"
(laughter)
"That's real cute that
y'all started colluding.
"Welcome to the
colluding club man!"
(laughter)
"Lets collude sometime.
"Lets 'lude bro.
"Watcha doing Wednesday?
"Lets 'lude."
(laughter)
'Cause that's not a real
scandal where I'm from.
Colluding?
That's a Tuesday,
bro,
that's not a real scandal
'cause like right
now in America,
the biggest scandal
is whether or not
our president colluded
with another country.
Right now in Nigeria?
The biggest scandal
is whether or not
our president is a clone.
Straight up.
(laughter)
100% real scandal.
Yeah clones be colluding 100%
(laughter)
Like you guys are like,
"Trump's not my president."
And Nigerians are like,
"Man the president
ain't the president."
(laughter)
'Cause like at first,
I didn't believe the story
because the person who
told me was my uncle
who swears he was once
bitten by a mermaid
so I was like,
"I don't know."
(laughter)
"I don't know if I can trust
your news sources alright."
One time I confronted him
about that mermaid thing.
I was like,
"Hey you know like,
"you know like mermaids
don't exist right?"
And he was like,
"Well yeah.
Anymore."
And I was like,
"Okay."
(laughter)
I can't beat that logic.
"Hey Mom I don't wanna go
over to his house anymore.
"He's making sense."
(laughter)
But this is a true scandal.
People in Nigeria were
like to the president,
you don't look like you do,
you don't talk like you do,
we don't think that you're you.
So much so,
he had to address this
in a press conference.
(laughter)
Yeah he had a clone
press conference.
(laughter)
And it was really intense.
It was really emotional.
He was like,
"Hey not only am I not a clone,
"but I'm working really
hard to fix this country
"so it can reach the potential
I know it can get to."
And I was watching
that press conference.
I was like,
"Damn.
"This nigga don't
know he a clone.
"Oh my God."
(laughter)
"He's got no idea.
"How embarrassing.
"You tryna fix a country,
you 10 days old bro."
(laughter)
"You were born in a test tube.
"You don't have a
belly button probably.
"I don't know.
"What you gonna do about
these mermaids though?
"They biting people."
(laughter)
That's the thing I
love about Nigerians.
We embrace the craziness.
That's what we do man.
I'm proud to be Nigerian.
I think whoever you are,
wherever you're from,
be proud of your heritage.
Yeah.
As long as you're willing
to admit your people
are kind of shitty.
You know what I mean?
(laughter)
I can admit the shitty
things Nigerians have done.
We had a civil war.
There's that whole email
scam thing we're known for.
(laughter)
Yeah that's us.
We do that.
(laughter)
Yeah don't give your
email I'll fuck you up.
Ya know what I mean?
(laughter)
Or you'll have your whole
spam folder lookin' crazy.
(laughter)
Like the thing is,
though,
it's the oldest
scam in the book.
Like for real for real.
If you start falling for it,
it's your fault at this point.
It's the oldest scam.
The only thing that's
older is got your nose.
(laughter)
That's how old that scam is.
I am from immigrant,
I'm super proud to
be an immigrant--
- [Audience Member] Yeah!
- [Audience] Whoo!
- Yeah you guy are
immigrants here?
Yeah that's what's up man yeah.
The thing is though sometimes
you see the immigrant
comedians will come up here,
they'll trash their parents,
I don't really do that
because both of my parents
are way smarter than me,
you know,
and my mom has a PHD.
My dad has a doctorate.
And I'm so dumb I didn't know
those are the same things.
Okay.
(laughter)
You see immigrant parents
go through a lot to bring
their kids to this country
and we turn around
and we trash them
it's not right if you ask me.
'Cause every immigrant
parent looks at America
as a racetrack and their
kids are stallions.
Like if you take every
immigrant's ethnic name
and you translate it to English,
it roughly sounds like
a racehorse's name.
(laughter)
Like my sister's name is Tolu.
You translate that to English
it means blessed beloved.
My other sister's
name is Buccola.
You translate that into English
it literally means
Thanksgiving forever.
(laughter)
My name is Opeyemi Olagbaju.
You translate that
to English it means
Seabiscuit Cloppity
Clop the Third.
Okay.
(laughter)
I'm the third Seabiscuit.
(laughter)
You can't make fun
of your parents.
(laughter)
Sometimes people are surprised
that I'm an immigrant.
They can't believe
it they're like,
"You know for an immigrant
you speak very well."
They don't realize
the country I'm from,
Nigeria,
we was controlled
by the British.
Which is why sometimes
I use British words
to describe everyday
things right?
Like I call the trunk
of a car a boot.
Or I call cookies biscuits.
Or I call the cops never.
I never call the cops.
(laughter)
'Cause even though
I'm an immigrant I'm
still black though.
(laughter)
I'm a black immigrant.
It's a little different.
I say to people it's like
being a black immigrant
is like winning
the golden ticket
to go to Willy Wonka's Factory.
You get there.
You super excited and like,
"Oh nobody told you.
"You're an Oompa Loompa.
"Yeah"
(laughter)
I don't know if you notice
but Oompa Loompas are
black people okay.
Go re-watch that movie.
Go re-watch that movie.
You'll realize
that Oompa Loompas
are the only people of
color in the entire movie.
(laughter)
To make matters even worse,
Willy Wonka say,
"Yeah I went over to their land
"and I brought them to
my factory on my boat."
That is literally what he said.
(laughter)
And you can't tell me
Oompa doompa do-pa-dee-do
is not a goddamn
Negro spiritual okay.
(laughter)
Oompa Loompas are black people.
They're black people.
I know what you're
thinking right now,
"All the Oompa
Loompas in that movie,
"they were singing,
"they were dancing,
"they were having a good time."
Yeah those are
house Loompas okay.
(laughter)
The rest of the Oompa
Loompas they ain't singing.
They ain't dancing.
They're in the field.
They are picking cotton candy.
That's what's happening.
(laughter)
And when Willy Wonka
talks to these Loompas,
his tone's a little different.
He's calling Oompa
Loompa with a hardy R.
(laughter)
He's being a really uppity one,
Kunta Kinte style,
with a whip made
out of red vines.
(laughter)
He's like,
"Your name,
"your name,
"Loomper--
(laughter)
"is Toblerone okay?"
(laughter)
It's a tense time.
We're politicizing everything.
I think it's okay to
talk about these issues.
Just pick your spots.
That's all I ask.
Pick your spots.
Like recently I was at a party
and we're talk about race.
That's how you know it
was a whack party right?
(laughter)
Like talking about
race at parties
is the new playing
guitar at parties.
(laughter)
It's so infuriating.
Stop it.
You know.
So this what happened.
This white dude came up to me,
he was a little too honest,
he's like,
"Hey Opey,
"I just wanna be real with you.
"Like if I saw you walking
down the street late at night,
"I'd be terrified.
"That's my biggest fear.
"I'd rather skydive
than do that."
- [Audience] Ooh.
- I know I was like,
"Okay.
"I guess I should
think it's fear
"but it doesn't sound
really honest to me.
"Sounds to me like
you're biggest fear
"is you be skydiving,
"you pull the ripcord
"and instead of a parachute,
"I came out.
"That's your biggest fear."
(laughter)
"Stop ruining this party."
We are politicizing bullshit,
right,
like recently there was a rumor,
like a fucking rumor,
they were gonna make
Michael B. Jordan
Superman and all these
nerds freaked the fuck out.
They're like,
"Excuse me but Superman
can't be black due to the--"
It's like,
"Shut the fuck up you nerd."
(laughter)
"Imma give you a wedgie."
It's like who cares
what race Superman is.
Superman is an alien that flies
and shoots laser
beams out of his eyes.
Who cares?
I wanna see a black Superman
'cause I wanna see a black
dude get shot by the cops
and the bullets bounce off.
I wanna see that shit.
(laughter)
Yeah I'll pay extra
money for that IMAX
so I can see the pee coming
down the cop's legs okay.
(laughter)
Matter of fact,
suck my dick,
lets make 'em all black just
to piss these nerds off.
(laughter)
Lets make Wonder
Woman Serena Williams.
- [Audience] Yeah!
- Yeah lets make The
Flash Kat Williams.
(laughter)
There's only one superhero
you can't make black.
There's one and that's Batman.
I know what you thinking
Batman he ain't got no powers
but realize Batman is
a multi-billionaire.
There's only three
black billionaires.
They would know
who that nigga is.
(laughter)
Like right away.
They be like,
"Hey that's Oprah!"
(laughter)
(morse code)
