Closed Captioning provided by Stalin Robert Usher II (PreStalnic)
Well, I hope you folks are are happy...
*sigh* You know what, Text? You can go fuck yourself!
I'm just saying that now.
You really want me to play this, don't you?
Well, you know?! Go fuck yourself, alright?
I don't play hard games. Okay? And as far as I'm concerned, this might be the last.
'Cuz you know I'm gonna go reprogram your ass by the time I'm done with this.
But you know what? I was given a challenge.
I'm not one to back down on challenges! So...
Why don't we just get into this puppy, huh?
In case you guys don't know what this is, this is fucking "Ghosts 'n Goblins".
A game that's notorious for its difficulty.
So, let's get started. BEGIN THE TORTURE!!
Oh shit. OH SHIT! I didn't know you you were allowed to do this in the 80s.
NO! He was going to get his groove on! You asshole!
You know what? I'm going to kick your ass!
YEAH! I've got spears, baby! Don't fuck with this guy!
He knows what's going on. All you gotta do is rapid press everything!
I.... kinda have experi--Oh shit.
Oooh shit! I kinda have experience with "Ghosts 'n Goblins" but I played the arcade ver-- What the fuck does this do?
NO GET THE--
................
Interesting.
Um, I had--........ Ooooooh....... O--Oooooh... Oh noooo. Really?
I--I underestimate-- What?! Wait-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wait!
Wait-wait-wait! I don't start back with spears? No, that's--wait--What the fuck's going on here?
Hey hey! What happened to my armor and my spears and...... Oh, Jesus Christ, this is one of those--
OH SHIT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME YOU--
BITCH!!! 
(scoffs)
What the fuck? I'm trying to say is that I've had experience with this. I've played the arcade version of this.
I've never played the Nintendo version of this so I'm not going to enjoy this one single bit!
Just--NO! GO THE--FUCK! No! The hell with you!
No, I no like you--NOOOOOPE! GOD.. DAMNIT! NO.
No, I'm not going to let this get the best of me.
You have to take a lot to get rid of me!
FUCK YOU CROW! Sto--WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!
What the fuck?
This will not be-- OHHHH MY GOD.
If it was one of those games.... Nuh-uh honey!
Thank god there's a continue feature which...
You know, that doesn't excuse gameplay like this.
This game is fucking ugly!
And the music. It's okay, but no.... no.
This isn't what I think of ideal-- GETTAGO-- gaming.
It's bullshit! I tell you.
And what's the hell's going on here? I--(audio footage lost). You know, I really would love to know the significance of--
What. What's the significance of that armor? What the hell.
Do you.... I don't get it.
What's the armor do?
What--What does that little ar--
OH MY GOD! FUCKING....CROW!!
I was tapping the "B" button!
What the hell--(weak chuckle)?
What is this game's beef with me?
I'm gonna beat this. I'm not gonna stay on one stage--
Ohgedemforfuck'ssake. I've mistaken. 
*groans* I've mistook the "B" button for the "A" button.
Yes! I got the spear! Or is that the javelin? (fumbles through words)
Regardless, I'm going to fuck you guys up! BRING IT ON!
Your ass is toast! No, get your ass over there!
The hell with all of you!
No, fuck that. NO! NO! Nuh-uh!
I'm not-- That will not be the end of me. GODDAMNIT--*sigh*
What the fuck is wrong with this game?
Just... *sigh*
Is--Is this one of those games that was hard by limitations that were set?
Like I mean, actual limitations that were--Oh yeah, I forgot. NO! NO! NO NO NO! GODDAMNIT!
(massive groan) Ok, there's a clear pattern in mind. I have to--
There's a pattern to this.... What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?!
(stammering gibberish) fuck this.
I....I hit the zombie...
Okay, let's do it again!
This time with gusto.
(disgusted groan)
I'm not going to have a fun time with this.
Oh god, the anxiety that came through me when--I--ooo--What?
What the hell--..... What is this shit? Is this a tomato?
A fiery tomato? What is this?
I didn't do any research coming into
this at a--(garbled audio)
You can't do any research. Couldn't do a guide. Couldn't look up HOW TO STOP CERTAIN CREATURES.
Get the fuck--
GETTO--HOW--NO--YOU!
No! I'm going to skip it--GODDAMNIT!
There are no invincibility frames. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!
(annoyed grunt)
Okay, whatever. Whatever, I'm going to pass this shit.
No, get the hell away from me! You really do hav-- You really don't have any time to react to these guys.
What the fuck?!
A knife? What's the knife do?
Hey, OH hey hey hey! (gargled audio)
Ok, as long as I don't lose my item. Alright alright alright!
I can get down with something like this.
This knife is just--NOPE, fuck you. Get away from me!
D'OOOOOOH!
No. NO NONONONONONONO! Get the hell away from me!
I'm not letting you get the best of--
GOD DAMNIT!!!
In my defense, I ran into it.
Actually, you know, in the game's defense, I ran into that.
So, that's not a problem.
Already, I have a feeling--oh, for fuck's sake! I forgot the jump button!
(annoyed, flabbergasted noises)
I AM TRYING TO PLAY THIS--
I'm not trying to make this into a fucking scream-fest. I really am trying to keep my cool, but a game like this... that was hand-picked.... by the very thing I gave life to..... 
Not very lovely. In fact, I'm never going to get past Level 1, am I?
OH NONONONONO--Shit!
Oh! Wait, what? Waitwaitwait, so anytime you die--
What's this? Did I get more armor?
Someone fill me in! What's the difference between the armor that flashes and the armor--
You know what, by the time this comes up, I don't think it's going to matter.
NOPE! Fuck you! NOPE! Fuck you!
I ain't doin' that.
Get the hell away from me! Ok, I have a FEELING that the--GOD damnit!
You know what, I'm just gonna--I'm gonna avoid it. I'm gonna avoid it.
There's no way out of it. (frightened cries)
C'mon! I gotta climb! Gotta climb Just gotta climb!
Oh shitshitshitSHITSHIT! (cries of anguish)
This isn't good design!
This isn't a good game!
This is a fucking awful game!
A good video game has a progressive difficulty! it doesn't suddenly kick your ass at the very beginning!
"Super Meat Boy" at least has no lives or continues! It's unlimited! You can try--You can fuck up as many times as you like and there's a "trial and error" factor to it!
This.... THIS IS NOT GOOD GAME DESIGN!!
OH GOD DAMMIT!
No, fuck you. No, I'm getting away from you. No, nonononono!
Die, zombies, die!
No, I'm getting the hell away from you!
NO! THE HELL WAS?! (frustrated grunts)
*defeated sigh*
Are there? Is there like... Is there a checkpoint system in this?
I would love to know.
GODDAMMIT! Oh, what the? Err. Wait, wait.
The other zombie clearly touched me. Not the one that did touch me. The one before that touched me.
How did I avoid that? That makes no sense. Anyway....
*sigh*
I'm not looking forward to this game and prior to several other reviewers giving their two cents on it, that's not the reason why I'm not looking forward to this game.
I'VE PLAYED THIS GAME IN THE ARCADE! IF THE ARCADE VERSION IS ANYTHING LIKE THIS VERSION....
From what I've seen, it's not gonna be joyful.
FUCK FUCK FUCK! GET THE FUCKING--NO FUCKING!!
What the fuck is that?! Oh, you!
Beautiful, BEAUTIFUL.... Oh god..
I should've came into this with a happy face or drunk or something.... 
I don't drink liquor, but in the case of this, I might.
I'm gonna try to keep my cool as best as possible.
Granted, the screaming doesn't help and that's overrated!
At this point! And I--WHAT THE FUCK.
OHNONONONONO--*sigh*
What is this default weapon? What is this? Is it a fiery tomato?
I'm gonna call it a fiery tomato. Whatever. OH MY GOD, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!
NO YOU DON'T!!!
Can I--(garbled audio)? Is there like a strategy to this?
I get the zombies. You know, hit them a couple of times and you're hunky-dory but ..... WHAT ABOUT THAT WEIRD ASS WIZARD?!
Is there like a time limit to him? Ok, good. I got the knife.
You know what? I'm solid. As long as I have the knife, I'm good.
You need to get away from me.
AHH, GET THE FUCK AWAY! CM'HERE CROW!
NO! THE HELL WITH--JAHHH! I MOVED LEFT.
I MOVED LEFT! NO--(cries of anguish)
You know what, the more and more I say I'm going to keep my cool through crap like this, this is just yelling.
This isn't like MAD mad. This is annoying. I'm annoyed by this.
I say that as I continue to play this.
'Cuz I've got a title to redeem for myself.
I'm sick and tired of being called the fucking scrub-lord.
I understand why it's there. I'm not a fighting.... I'm not a fighting expert. What's this?
Err, I wonder what the javelin could do?
SHITSHITSHITSHIT-- I should've avoided that. I had no reason to not avoid it.
NOW THE HELL AWAY FROM YOU, YOU goddamn crow! Same goes to you, you...
Fucking.... whatever the hell the name of the plant from Little Shop of Horrors was.
The name escapes me at the moment, but you're just a reject of him. Only you can shoot projectiles....
You should be very happy.
How many minutes have I gone into this? 12 MINUTES?! God damn!
The furthest I've got was probably like halfway into the stage or at least I think it was halfway.
How do people do this?
Okay, there's a strategy, so I just gotta avoid that.
Okay, I know what I'm doing now. Alright. I gotta go ahead and avoid the zombies...
Ok, so when the zombies come up, I can hit them at least three times.
I gotta do it rapidly.
Avoid and jump over the piranha--Goddamn. GODDAMN. GODDAMNNN! 
(exasperated grunt)
Fuck it, I'm not keeping my cool....
And I'm truly not going to beat-- You know what, if I beat the first level of this, consider that an accomplishment.
But, ugh, for fuck's sake, why?
I don't play hard games. I like good, moderate--
If I'm gonna play a hard game, maybe I'll get into Mega Man because there's a strategy to Mega Man.
This.... THIS is just unfair!
You know what? I'm not going to call that unfair, because in my defense..(stuttering through words)... I JUMPED INTO THAT SHIT.
I'M A DIPSHIT! There! Is that what you wanted?
Ugh, there's only six levels. How the hell can they be so HARD?
Guys, there's a difference between releasing something in the arcades and then releasing it on home consoles.
You gotta have some kind of home difference to make it easier.
Why not an "Easy Mode"?
Why not an "Easy Mode"?
(stuttering noises)
Get the FUCK away from me.
OH GOD!
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon. I gotta beat--I know how to get near--
OH JESUS CH--...
You can't like move when you're in mid-air. My god, I cannot get used to these controls.
GameCube controller or not. OOPS!
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I spoil the fact that I'm not using an actual authentic console?
I think...I think you underestimate my ability to create an authentic experience with "Ghosts 'n Goblins".
I'm not gonna... I'm not, for a little petty challenge, going to pay money for an NES, plus a "Ghosts 'n Goblins" cartridge.
No. Unless it's for a really good NES game that has moderately...um... a difficulty curve that comes into it rather than suddenly throwing you into the pits of hell.
Well, then again, it makes sense because you're in the PITS OF HELL!
But.... no, no, no. I'm not going to pay money for something like this. I don't pay money for "hard as balls" games. No, that's not--
That's not my logic! Wha da fu--(gibberish)
No! NO! You can't do that! I avoided his ball of dea--OH, for fuck's SAKE!
*sigh*
There's a strategy to this. I know there is.
But the zomBI--Fuck, you know what? I shouldn't of jump.
You gotta jump over the tombstones, you got--the moment those zombies rise, you have to hit them constantly with the javelin. Ok, I get that.
(unintelligible gibberish)
The moment they materialize, you can't run into them. I should make note of that. Otherwise, I'm going to be here for longer than a hour. 
And I know.... And I know how you folks are with an hour-long video unless it's full of meaty content, but you know what, I'm putting this out there now.
I may not be able to complete this game.
If I haven't gotten any further than this in about sixteen minutes, there is no way in Hell that I AM GOING TO ACTUALLY COM--
FUCK! (enraged grunts)
URRGGGGGHHHHH!
I'm going to try that again.
*sigh*
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