

Steel & Ice

Published by Emily Eck at Smashwords

Copyright 2014 Emily Eck

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
L&J Reading Order

Steel & Ice (L&J 1)

J Speaks (L&J 1.5)

Melted & Shattered (L&J 2)

J Roars (L&J 2.5)

Us (L&J 3)
Table of Contents

Dedication

Note to the reader

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Connect with Emily

Acknowledgements

This book is dedicated to:

Hector F. Castro

03/02/1990 to 01/01/2011

RIP

You helped saved me.

I wish I could've saved you.

You will find the non-word "cuz" a lot in this book. I use it in dialogue. In other books, I've seen 'cos and cause. Neither of those words resonated with me. But cuz did. So I rolled with it. Just letting' you know that I'm aware it's not a word.
Prologue

Taking his hat off and running his hands through his hair, the man nodded robotically. He thought one day this lifestyle he'd fallen into would stop eating his soul. He thought his soul might disappear, eroded by one heinous act after another. He hoped, because the things he'd done were unspeakable.

"Are you listening, bro?"

The man drew his hands through his hair one more time, pulling the cap on like it would hide his sins. He nodded, acting the role of the dutiful soldier. He didn't need to listen because it was the same speech, same instruction, same criminal acts. Just different players. His partner would catch anything he missed.

He eyed the crowd. None of them knew what the group of men in the corner were discussing. They were large and imposing, all dressed in black. Their eyes darted across the room periodically like a laser scanning for intruders.

Everything was the same. The jobs were the same. The crimes were the same. The numb feeling was the same. The white noise of people around him was the same.

Until her.

She was dirty, as in her shirt looked like it had soot on it. A hat tried to hold in the mess of hair falling out of it. Her pants were stained and hung loose on her hips. Her shoes had seen far better days.

But she was beautiful. Her long neck was elegant. Her smile honest. The man watched her interact with the bartender. She looked comfortable in her skin despite being dressed like she was ready to clean a chimney.

Her head tilted his way and he caught her golden eyes for a second before casting his gaze down. He couldn't look at a woman like that, convinced he was unworthy.

He wished his dreams would be filled with her smile instead of nightmares of the things he'd done, the atrocities he'd committed.

He knew hope was dangerous. It made you feel like change was possible. Holding your breath while anticipating the excitement of happiness was worse than death. The reaper never let him down. Death was a reliable companion.

He watched her for the rest of the night. Quick glances until she was gone. He didn't know life was about to change, that hope was possible as was happiness. He didn't know he'd love her, leave her, break her, and finally beg for her.

Taking his hat off and running his hands through his hair, the man nodded robotically. He thought one day this lifestyle he'd fallen into would stop eating his soul. He thought his soul might disappear, eroded by one heinous act after another. He hoped, because the things he'd done were unspeakable.

"Are you listening, bro?"

The man drew his hands through his hair one more time, pulling the cap on like it would hide his sins. He nodded, acting the role of the dutiful soldier. He didn't need to listen because it was the same speech, same instruction, same criminal acts. Just different players. His partner would catch anything he missed.

He eyed the crowd. None of them knew what the group of men in the corner were discussing. They were large and imposing, all dressed in black. Their eyes darted across the room periodically like a laser scanning for intruders.

Everything was the same. The jobs were the same. The crimes were the same. The numb feeling was the same. The white noise of people around him was the same.

Until her.

She was dirty, as in her shirt looked like it had soot on it. A hat tried to hold in the mess of hair falling out of it. Her pants were stained and hung loose on her hips. Her shoes had seen far better days.

But she was beautiful. Her long neck was elegant. Her smile honest. The man watched her interact with the bartender. She looked comfortable in her skin despite being dressed like she was ready to clean a chimney.

Her head tilted his way and he caught her golden eyes for a second before casting his gaze down. He couldn't look at a woman like that, convinced he was unworthy.

He wished his dreams would be filled with her smile instead of nightmares of the things he'd done, the atrocities he'd committed.

He knew hope was dangerous. It made you feel like change was possible. Holding your breath while anticipating the excitement of happiness was worse than death. The reaper never let him down. Death was a reliable companion.

He watched her for the rest of the night. Quick glances until she was gone. He didn't know life was about to change, that hope was possible as was happiness. He didn't know he'd love her, leave her, break her, and eventually beg for her.
Chapter 1

"Come on, Elle. Come out for just for one beer. It's Checks. It's only gonna be bikers, rockers, and general degenerates. I know you prefer the hip hoppers, but come to the other side tonight."

"Hip hopppers, Larry? For real?" The other cooks in the kitchen knew I went to the hip hop club, Eight Oh Eight, every Saturday. "I know some rock. Neil Young. The Eagles. Pink Floyd."

"That's classic rock, Elle."

Damn. What else could I come up with? "Pearl Jam. Alice in Chains. Nirvana."

"Elle! The 90s are over and this ain't Seattle! Name me one modern rock band, or else smoke me out with the sticky icky icky."

Fuck, he had me. I tried to stay up on current rock because I knew most of the guys listened to it. I knew Metallica no longer counted as modern, so I didn't even bother mentioning them. I'm sure it would've given Larry a good laugh though.

We'd just finished a typical Friday night in the kitchen at Applebee's. Kevin, one of my managers with a serious case of Napoleon Complex, asked me for the same piece of chicken ten times. Jesse, my fry cook, forgot to drop fish sticks into the fryers numerous times, only realizing it when I strolled over and dropped them in the hot grease, giving him the get it together look. Larry cooked a bazillion steaks. And as usual, I stroked the egos of five men in order to get the food to the customer without a riot ensuing.

"Fuckin' A, Larry. One drink, one bowl."

"Jesse is going too. Cool if I ride with you so we can smoke that bowl without him and he can take me back to my car?"

"Damn. Larry Larry don't wanna share-y," I teased. "You know it's cool. It's only a half mile away so I'll tell Jesse we're gonna hit up the gas station for smokes, and then we'll meet him there. It'll buy us more time."

"I'll see you there, Jesse. Gonna grab some smokes," I yelled, as Larry and I quickly ducked out the back door of the kitchen. We jogged to my Monte Carlo, and got in before anyone noticed our quick exit.

"Pack it," I said, passing Larry my sack of nuggs and my bowl.

"Nice bowl. Is it new?" Larry asked, in reference to the pipe.

"Yeah, the last guy I got nuggs off of was this crazy hippy dude who blew glass on the side. I bought it off him for $10."

"That's cheap, Elle. I'm assuming you weren't in your work clothes," Larry said with a smirk.

"I was testing a theory," I replied.

"What theory was that?"

"How cheap I could get some good ass weed if I did my hair, put on some makeup, and maaaaaybe showed just a weeeee bit of cleavage."

Larry doubled over laughing. "And how did that go?"

"Well, I got this bowl for $10 bucks and a $100 sack of nuggs for $75. Whatdaya think?" I asked, shooting Larry a wry grin.

"Fuckin' women and your damn wiles."

"I don't feel like I have many wiles tonight," I said, motioning to my greasy work clothes.

"Oh, Elle, you know it's not the clothes, the makeup or the cleavage. It's your golden eyes, all that curly hair you shove under your hat, your long legs and curvy hips. You know you're quite the package, especially with your naughty librarian glasses," Larry crooned, shoving his hands through his hair, and putting his hat on backwards.

He was good looking for thirty, but rough around the edges. And not in a sexy, bad ass way. It was more in a I haven't bought clothes since the late 90s, but it's OK because concert T's never go out of style sort of way. However, he had the eyes. Those big baby blues that overshadowed his questionable style. I'd looked into them enough times to be unfazed, but I'd seen girls get lost in his pools of cerulean plenty of times. I'm sure the blues, and the fact that he was quick with a compliment were what got him laid. He had a few girlfriends in the time I knew him, but they never stuck around and I never took the time to figure out why.

I teased Larry, and he teased me in our many years of cooking together. I knew him better than the rest of the guys, but I was suddenly uncomfortable with his serious comments. There was no smirk or teasing in his voice, and he had the blues trained on me with a look of intensity that left me feeling like it was time for this conversation to be over.

"OK, time to go." I put the car in DRIVE and pulled out of the Applebee's lot. "Puff puff pass mutha fucka." He did, and thankfully he went back to normal conversation, talking about the night we just had and the new guy flipping out.

We reached Checks with a nice buzz going. There were a handful of motorcycles in the parking lot. This wasn't uncommon, but since Checks wasn't a place I frequented, it intrigued me. I had been to Checks a few times when I was underage, but not since I became legal. I hadn't notice much about the bar when I was underage, as I was more focused on not getting caught. Larry and I walked in, and spotted Jesse at the bar.

"Damn, took ya'll long enough," Jesse shouted to us as we strolled through the smattering of tables.

I put my hand on Jesse's shoulder. "Don't hate, Jesse. Larry was busy getting the gas station attendant's number." We never went to the gas station.

"Daaaaaaaaamn. The one with the green eyes and big ass titties?" Jesse asked Larry.

Larry slipped a sly grin to me, and shrugged it off. "You order us beer yet or what?"

Jesse passed me a LaBatt's, and Larry an MGD. At Eight Oh Eight, I usually drank vodka and something. Vodka and OJ. Vodka and cranberry juice. Vodka and sprite. Vodka and Hpnotiq if I was looking to get tore up quick. With the guys, I typically drank beer, as they preferred the dive bars and pool halls to the hip hop club. When I got drunk, all I wanted to do was dance. Checks was not the place, and this sure as hell wasn't the time for dancing.

"Thanks, Jesse. I'll get you next round." Despite the fact that we had just spent the last seven hours together, we always ended up rehashing the night's events. Most of the people who worked at the restaurant were either college students, twenty-something's trying to figure out what they were going to do with their future, or what I called "lifers", those who would work in the restaurant industry their whole life. I used to think I might be a lifer, but realized a few years back that I didn't want to be stuck in a hot ass kitchen with a bunch of rowdy guys forever.

I'd been taking college courses in an attempt to figure out what else I could do with myself besides cook for the next forty years. I hadn't found the answer yet, but I discovered I was good at Spanish. I even won the Spanish Student of the Semester award from the foreign language department. Who would've known? Me, the girl who failed her high school Spanish classes. Of course, being high 24/7 in high school didn't help when trying to absorb a new language. Since having a taste of the real world, I was serious about my college classes, even if I only took two per semester. I was one hundred percent sober for these Spanish classes, and it seemed to be working for me. I was taking a Business class next semester. It was something my favorite Spanish professor had recommended. I'd give it a shot. Anything to make a better life for myself.

I was thirteen when I started dabbling in drugs and sex. By sixteen, I was rarely coming home, and I'd learned lessons that hardened me, allowed me to speak without emotion, and brush shit off as if nothing bothered me. I perfected my impassive face. Underneath, I was none of those things. Aaron and Chris, my two BFFs, were the only ones who saw the real me. The only ones who knew the fire that lay underneath my ice. I shared a few things with Larry, but the rest of the cooks knew nothing of what was underneath my façade. There was Kitchen Elle, Clubbin' Elle, School Elle, and the REAL Elle.

They were all similar with my dry sense of humor. Kitchen Elle and Clubbin' Elle were similar in their witty comments, confidence, and ability to push down all emotion when necessary. Clubbin' Elle talked more than Kitchen Elle, especially after some drinks. Clubbin' Elle owned the room in her high heels, setting her a head above the rest. At 5'9", a good pair of heels could put me at 6"1'. As much as I hated my height as an adolescent, as an adult I loved being tall.

School Elle was attentive, and usually knew the answers to the professor's questions. She worked hard to make high grades. A taste of the real world made it all the more important to take school seriously.

The REAL Elle was a mix of all these, but so much more. Emotional and loyal to a fault. Impulsive, though I was trying to work on that as of late. I loved hard, never half way. Poop made me laugh and graphic sex was an appropriate, if not required, topic for girls to talk about with each other. Though I rarely shared, I opinions on the United States' love for dealing arms to our enemies' enemy, legalizing marijuana, and the structural racism that plagued our nation. The REAL Elle could talk passionately about any one of these topics. The other Elles kept that under wraps.

I loved Aaron and Chris as they provided me the opportunity to be the REAL Elle. Although I could easily turn her off, it was nice to get everything out with them. Both Chris and Aaron smoked weed like me and were more than happy to listen to my rants while we blazed. It helped the other Elles keep the REAL Elle in check when necessary, which was often.

"Clear the haze, Elle, and buy the next round," Jesse said, snapping his fingers in my face, and pulling me from my musings.

I leaned over the bar and motioned to the bartender for another round. He gave me a nod in acknowledgement. I'd scanned the bar when we first came in. These people were interesting to me. These bikers, rockers, and degenerates as Larry called them. I was interested in people, how they lived, why they did what they did, and what motivated their actions in life.

When I leaned over the bar, I saw a group of men in the corner that I missed when we first came in. They were secluded, in a dim lit corner by the farthest back pool table. All were big men and wore leather vests.

I was an equal opportunity dater. A hot guy was a hot guy regardless of his color or style, so long as he wore it well. My only requirement was height. Even though I was a decent weight for my stature, being tall often made me feel unfeminine next to short guys. This was especially difficult during adolescence, as I had been the same height since the sixth grade. It took the boys a long time to catch up. By the time they did, I was no longer interested in the boys at school. I was already fucking grown men. Sure, it limited my choices, but it was what I liked. The taller the better and more likely I was to notice a man.

Though all the guys in the corner were at least 6' and above, one stood out. He had to be around 6'5" with broad shoulders and bulk that could hold my body weight. I imagined my legs wrapped around his waist as he pinned me against the wall. He wore a black hoodie under his leather vest and a plain black baseball cap pulled low over his eyes. I couldn't see his hair or his eyes very well, but his full mouth made me want to chew on his lips. I added sucking those lips between my teeth to the 'against the wall' image I was already working on. I saw him start to pull the brim of his hat up when Jesse pulled me out of my fantasy. Damn, it was just getting good too.

"Fuck, Elle. How much weed did you smoke? Pay the man!" Jesse hollered, as the bartender stood in front of me with our three beers. I sat down and threw a twenty on the bar.

"Something catch your eye?" Larry asked with a slight grin on his face, and his head turned to the men in the corner. Larry could see them, but when I settled down on my bar stool they were just out of my line of sight.

"Psst, no," I brushed Larry off. He knew I was staring at the men in the corner, but I wouldn't admit it. Larry didn't push though.

"I'll get us another round, and then ya'll wanna go outside and smoke? I'm almost done with this beer and don't wanna have to come right back in," Larry asked us all, knowing it was his turn to get the next round. Larry was going to get plastered tonight. I knew him too well. I'd leave first, and he would talk Jesse into staying and drinking. Then he would convince Jesse to take him to his house, which wasn't too far from Checks. I would likely get a call from Larry in the morning asking me to take him to his car.

"Sure, double fist me," Jesse shouted. I cringed. He was twenty-one, but acted sixteen. He was such a dumb ass sometimes. Did he even realize what he said?

"I'm going to use the ladies room and I'll meet you out there." Larry gave me a nod.

I was grateful Larry suggested we go outside. Not only because I wanted a cigarette, but because it would make leaving easier after this third beer. I didn't live as close to Checks as Larry, and I hated driving drunk. Too many people I knew got hit with a DUI and lost their license for months. My car was my freedom, and I needed to be free. I never wanted to have to depend on anyone, especially for a ride somewhere.

I looked in the bathroom mirror while washing my hands. Damn, I was a hot mess. I splashed water on my face and rearranged my hair under my hat. I closed my eyes and heard Aaron whisper in my mind, "Hold your head up girl, and walk out there like you own this bar." I did just that.

I got outside before Larry and Jesse. I lit a cigarette and kicked back in one of the patio chairs. I could see the motorcycles clustered outside the patio. There was a special area marked off for motorcycles next to the parking spots for cars. I wondered if one of those bikes belonged to the hottie from inside. I had no desire to drive a motorcycle, but I sure as hell loved riding on the back of them. I rode with a guy who cooked with me at one point. Having the wind blow over you, while speeding down deserted roads at two in the morning was an untamed experience. I loved it.

I imagined riding on the back of one of those bikes with the guy from inside, clutching his huge body. I closed my eyes and pictured my hands snaking between his legs, and running them up the inside of his thighs. At that height, he had to be packin' something major in between his legs. I imagined running my hand over it, and laughing when he swerved a bit as he hardened in my grip. Mmmmmm....

An engine revved, and my eyes snapped open. My legs were propped up on the chair in front of me. My thighs were clamped around my hand, as if to try and hold back the heat that was starting to spread between them. They guys from the corner table were by the bikes. Ah ha, they were the owners of those magnificent machines. I pulled my hat lower over my eyes so I could sneak a glance at them. With them all standing, I could see my hottie stood at least a half foot taller than the others. My thighs clutched together tighter. They were talking in hushed tones, intense looks passing among one another.

I pulled my hat a little lower, not wanting to be noticed. It was as if the giant could read my mind, because I saw his head tip up slightly. He kept talking to his buddies while looking at me. His hat was pushed back, and I could see the sharp angles of his jaw and cheek bones. I couldn't tell his eye color, but they looked dark and slanted in an exotic way. Good God they were the most intense eyes I'd ever seen, and they were pointed directly at me.

I thanked God I smelled like fries, because it meant I had my work hat on and could use it as a shield. I was sure I would melt if he was able to look me straight in the eye. In that moment, I became aware of just how long it had been since I'd been fucked properly. The last guy I slept with took so much coaching, I felt like I was teaching a class instead of having sex.

I got out my phone and texted Aaron. He would still be at Applebee's, as he was the closing manager for the night.

ME: wanna come to checks?

AARON: r u sure ur texting the right person?

Aaron had a medium build and a slight receding hairline, which he kept shaved close to his head, claiming that when a man starts to lose it he better shave the shit. He wasn't extravagant in his clothing, but he was always put together. He taught me things only a gay man could. Like when wearing a white shirt, always keep an extra in the car in case you get a stain on it. Or that funky socks were cute on a girl, but a man needed white no shows with his sneakers, and black or brown socks for anything else. He also insisted on only carrying black lighters, not stupid NASCAR ones that were sadly popular in the heartland. And most important, he taught me it was useless to wish to look different, and instead to work what God gave you. Along with Chris, he helped me embrace the beauty in my height, porcelain skin, and wild mass of curls.

ME: yeeeeeeeah. there's highly fuckable bikers here.

AARON: picture me snapping my fingers and telling u there's no chance in hell I'm coming to checks.

ME: it was worth a try.

AARON: now u on the other hand could take a fuckable biker home.

ME: there is this hot one...

AARON: HIT THAT!

ME: sigh...

AARON: i'll talk (scold you) in the morn. night chica.

Larry burst through the door, and I realized this whole night was turning me into a giant ball of lust. My vibrator would most definitely be getting a work out tonight. I shoved my phone into my purse and contemplated Aaron's words. I'd like to take one of those men home—ha! I was deluding myself if I really thought that would happen. I'd never had a one night stand.

"Close your mouth, Elle. You'll catch flies," Larry hollered a little too loud. I knew that tone and volume. He and Jesse had done shots. Larry's voice always went up a few decibels when he was drunk, and he was well on his way to smashed. I pulled my hat up just enough so he could see my eyes, and gave him the look of death. From my peripheral vision, I saw a few of the bikers go inside, while a few roared away on their bikes.

"I see you did shots," I said to Larry.

"Yep. Jesse found some girl he wanted to impress and bought a round for us. I was pretty sure you wouldn't mind missing out. I know this is what you really want," he said, passing me his pipe.

"Is it packed?" I asked Larry, nodding toward his metal pipe.

"Not yet." I passed it back to him.

I pulled out the glass bowl I bought off the hippie and my sack of nuggs. "I'll pack mine if you'll go with me somewhere tomorrow," I propositioned Larry. I was pretty sure in his drunken state he would agree to anything, but I also knew he had my back and would say yes to what I was going to ask even if he was sober.

"Fire it up!" Yep, he was drunk.

I packed the bowl and took a hit, savoring the taste that was so much better than Larry's schwagg. I passed it to him. It was small so we each would only get a hit or two, but that's all I needed at this time of night, and Larry really didn't need any at all.

I exhaled and told Larry, "When I pick you up to get your car, go with me to meet some guy. I got a line on a new dealer."

"Aw, of course, Elle." Larry did this for me before. I never told him why I asked him to go along when I met new dealers. He probably assumed I didn't feel safe going by myself, which was the truth, but it was more than that. I liked weed, but I hated buying it. When money was tight I could always get schwagg, the low quality weed, off the guys at work. A good line on nuggs, the good shit, was harder to find and it never lasted for too long. Every few months I had to meet up with someone new to make a purchase. The streets taught me the hard way that being a girl who buys her own weed can be dangerous.

Each time I went to buy a sack from someone I didn't know, I was putting myself in danger. As a teen, I didn't care. You could say I had a death wish, but really I just thought nothing could hurt me. I was proven wrong one night when I was seventeen, and had to fight a guy off me. I went to his house alone (first mistake), with my hair down and not in work clothes (second mistake), and didn't tell anyone where I was going (third mistake).

I got there, and the guy was fucked up on more than just weed. He shut the door behind me before I noticed he had crazy eyes going on. I tried to be slick and just give him the money while asking for my sack. He had other plans.

He walked towards me until I felt a couch hit my calves. I can still remember the sulfur smell on him, and the psycho look in his eyes as he told me to sit down and stay a while. He shoved me down on the couch, and my fight or flight response kicked in. I jumped up and shoved him into the coffee table. He fell back, but managed to grab my ankle as I ran towards the door. I hit the ground and he was on me before I could get back up.

I'm not sure what happened next, but I went bat shit crazy, yelling and flailing my arms and legs. Despite his fucked up state, clearly on uppers, I was able to get a leg under him, and used all the strength in my thighs to shove him backward with my foot. He stumbled a bit, and I took that moment to get to my feet. He was on his knees about to stand up when I shoved my knee under his chin, sending his head flying back and blood spurting out of his nose. I ran the fuck out before he could get back up.

Clicking the key fob to my car, I slid in, started it, and peeled out in record time. I drove a few blocks before I pulled over, my hands shaking. It was a mistake I'd made before, but that particular situation was bad enough to finally teach me the lesson I needed. I never went by myself to meet a new dealer again.

"Thanks, Larry. Just call me when you wake up. We're meeting in a parking lot, so it should be a quick in and out." Normally, this type of transaction wouldn't scare me much. I never met new dealers at their homes, but if I was already picking up Larry to get his car I would take advantage of the situation to make sure nothing went wrong with this new guy. Plus, this wasn't a hippie. They were always easy to deal with, cordial even, often offering to smoke me out when I purchased. I liked dealing with the hippies. Unfortunately, they had a tendency to be flaky.

Larry reached out and put his hand on my shoulder. "No problem. You know I'd do anything for you." Oh fuck. I didn't want to have a repeat of the uncomfortable situation in the car, so I decided this would be a good time to take my leave. I drained my beer and shoved my bowl in my pocket.

"I appreciate it. Tell Jesse good bye or good luck. Whichever is most fitting. I'll talk to you in the morning."

"Be safe driving home, Elle."

"Always." I yelled over my shoulder as I walked to my car.

I clicked the key fob to the Monte Carlo right as the door to Checks opened and three guys walked out. Though they spoke quietly, it seemed like a tense conversation. I walked up to my driver door, and looked up from the ground as I opened it just in time to catch the giant hottie walking past. I was about to look back at the ground and duck into my car, but his eyes shot up and pierced me. They were fierce. He continued talking to his friends while glaring at me.

Was he mad?

My eyes darted to the side. Fuck, why was I so nervous? I looked back to him, and his eyes had softened. I pulled my hat down and got into my car. I needed to get home before I made a fool of myself. I wasn't drunk enough nor dressed right to exchange words with a man that was making me want to shove my hand down my pants and relieve the tension I felt right there in the parking lot. I drove away lost in fantasy. Fantasies that would be put to good use as soon as I got home and accessed my night stand.
Chapter 2

The re-up was easy enough. Larry called around noon and Derek, the new dealer, was able to meet me at one o'clock in the agreed upon parking lot. It was an empty building in a residential neighborhood. It wasn't in the worst part of town, but it was shady enough no one would notice or even care about our quick transaction. I told Derek on the phone that as long as he had nuggs, I would meet up with him every other Saturday after pay day. I also told him I wanted to buy drugs off him, not fuck him, and if he made me think he had other ideas, he would lose a loyal customer. He laughed. I didn't.

We handled business in the parking lot without a hitch. Derek gave the heads up nod to Larry, who gave it back before he drove away. Larry was hung over as hell, so a head nod was about all he was capable of.

I dropped Larry off at his car, and headed to Chris' house. I bought an ounce of nuggs for $375 that we were going to split. A half-ounce would last me more than two weeks, but I arranged to buy a larger quantity in case I got bad vibes from Derek that would leave me dealer-less again.

I fished my cell out of my purse. "Soooooo, guess who is on her way over to your house with something very smelly?" I sing-songed to Chris when she answered my call.

"Score! I'm gonna run to the ATM. Use your key."

"Bet." I hung up.

I had a bowl packed, and was sprawled on Chris' futon with her yellow lab when she came barreling in the back door. She came through the kitchen and into the small living room of the house she rented waving twenty dollar bills at me.

"Strip bitch!" she howled, fanning the money in my face with a broad smile. She was the all American girl. Dirty blond hair, blue eyes, and all legs. She had an athletic build, as opposed to my curves. I was a size ten to her six. Although we were the same height, I had a few pounds on her, and those pounds resided in my hips and thighs. Yet another thing Aaron had taught me to embrace.

"Twenties? You know I'm high class. It's all Benji's for me. Gimme your cash and a lighter so we can test this shit out," I teased back.

Men tended to sit in a circle like a fucking knitting group and get high. Women multi-tasked. We got high while getting ready to go out. I took a hit and then passed Chris the bowl.

"Oh shit, that tastes as good as it smells," I told her, a smile spreading across my face.

"Pass it and come look at my outfit choices for tonight." Chris and I continued getting high while deciding on the perfect outfit for Eight Oh Eight.

"You wearing heels tonight? You know I don't wanna be six feet tall if you're going with sneakers."

This was a common question, as Chris and I liked to be Amazons together when we went out. If one of us was rockin' tennis shoes sporty style, the other would usually do the same.

"I could go either way if you have your heart set, but I wouldn't mind being tall tonight," I returned.

"Heels it is. You're right, man, this shit is good. How was the pick up?"

"Good. I took Larry. Derek seemed OK. He was short."

Chris gave me her honest laugh, the one that was not attractive in the least. I loved her for that. My honest laugh sounded like a car sputtering. I chuckled a lot, but a real laugh only happened when I was able to be the REAL Elle.

"You're such a bitch. Short guys need love too. You're a height-ist!" she joked.

"Fuckin' A. You fuck the shorties then!" I hollered back, getting a good laugh in myself. "You know who was not short? Thiiiiiiis mutha fucka at Checks last night. Damn, he looked big enough to pick me up and fuck me against the wall. I masturbated until my damn clit burned last night thinking about him."

Chris put her hand on her hip and shot daggers at me with her eyes. "First of all, why were you at Checks? Second, did you exchange digits? And third, you need to be tellin' me stories about the sex you're having more, and your vibrator less."

"I went with the guys after work last night. Girl, I was in my damned work clothes smellin' like french-fries, so I wasn't getting' any digits. But he was fine. It was dark, but he had some nice ass lips, high cheek bones, sexy as fuck body. And he was like 6'5" or somethin'," I gushed.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. 6'5"? Fuck, I don't care if you're wearing a garbage bag. Don't you dare let one that tall get away. You could wear those five inchers you bought at the mall two months ago and have yet to wear. How often do you meet a man you can wear five inch heels with?" Chris said this while doing some Aaron style exaggerated arm flailing.

"I never get laid," I sighed. "Tonight is the night." I shot up off the bed while Chris continued to pour through her closet. "I'm going to find someone, take him home, and fuck him until the sun comes up," I announced with my fist in the air.

Chris turned to me, hand on hip, face painted with a look of disbelief. "Put your fist down, girl. I'll believe it when I see it."

I sagged back down to the bed.

She was right. This wasn't the first time I claimed I was going to have a one night stand. In fact, I think I said it at least every other Saturday, but I always lamed out. I needed chemistry with a guy, and I knew pretty fast if there was chemistry when I met someone. The club was a meat market for most, but as fate would have it, the opposite for me. The men might be hot, but often seemed so desperate that their pick-up lines had me shaking my head.

For once, I wanted a guy to say something I hadn't heard before. Don't ask me if I have a boyfriend. Don't ask me what I'm drinking. And definitely don't comment on how tall I am. Chris said I was smart. I agreed. But she said the men at the club were not going to engage me in political banter about how dire global warming really was. I knew she was joking, and political talk didn't exactly turn me on, but for the love of God, I wished something would come out of a man's mouth once in a while that made me stop and think for a minute.

For the most part, the guys at the club bored me and were just eye candy. There were a few times I exchanged numbers and tried to have a "relationship" with a guy, but I wasn't really a relationship type of gal. I liked my freedom too much.

Years of living alone meant I was used to coming and going as I pleased. It was one of the first things I fell in love with when I left my parents' house. I didn't have to tell anyone where I was or what my intentions were. Hell, I didn't have to speak on my day off if I didn't want to. Silence truly was golden when you grew up with a mother who interrogated you every moment of your youth. According to the last book I'd read, The Celestine Prophecy, my mother was an interrogator and her constant questioning made me aloof. It seemed plausible. Between her and the streets, I had mastered aloof, impassive, blasé, and a straight-up emotionless poker-face. It was a façade, but few people knew that. More people knew the aloof Elle, than the Elle who had passion and fire swirling inside, just below the surface.

After Chris was dressed, she packed up her makeup to take to my house while I got ready. This was the ritual. We always got ready together. That was half the fun. Fuck, some nights it was the funniest part of the night. I hoped that wouldn't be the case tonight. I stayed steady high on Saturdays usually. Any homework I had was either done during the week or on Sunday if necessary. Although Sundays could be rough depending on how Saturday night went.

Once we got to my apartment, I poured a glass of Merlot for myself and one for Chris.

"Where's you're flask? I'm short on cash so I need to carry in tonight."

I passed Chris my flask, and she filed it with what was left in a bottle of Hennessey that magically appeared from her purse.

"Is your purse made of carpet, Mary Poppins? You got Alexander Skarsgård in there?"

"I wish. If I did, I wouldn't be here with you right now."

"Damn, bitch. Bro's before hoes, yo." I gave her a light elbow to the stomach. "Could you at least fill the flask with vodka so I can drink some too?" I hated Hennessey.

Chris shot me dagger eyes again. "You got Vodka?"

"No."

She turned away from me and went back to pouring brown liquid into the flask. "Then shut the fuck up."

Grrr. I drank my wine, and poured a second glass before going to get dressed. I washed and pinned my hair up in the morning. The very last thing I would do before we left the apartment would be to pull it down. It would be dry, and hopefully the curls would cascade down my back. That was the goal each Saturday night. Sometimes my dark goldilocks had a mind of their own. In those circumstances, I drew from my extensive hat collection.

"Jeans, red boots, and red top? Or jeans, silver wedges, and turquoise button down?" I asked Chris, holding up the two tops.

"You gonna leave a few extra buttons open on the turquoise shirt?"

"Yep."

"Turquoise then," Chris said with a nod. I loved having a second opinion, and Chris' was always the best.

"Sexy librarian it is tonight," I said, as I looked at Chris over the top of the thick brown frames of my glasses.

"I love those frames."

"Me too," I agreed. They were the perfect mix of funky but fierce. The sexy librarian look was one of my favorites to rock. I pulled it off easy with the glasses and my light brown/dark blond/sorta red curly hair. But also because it shocked people all the more when I opened my mouth. Most didn't expect the sexy librarian to ask for a lighter to spark a blunt, and even less for random masturbation comments to come out. After a certain level of drunkenness, this became a game to me. I was a little embarrassed by the stuff I said while drunk, but loved the reactions I could pull. I only did it when I was really hammered, and seldom remembered it the next day. Chris would revel in the stories though, if she had been sober enough to remember. Of course my mouth didn't shock her, but she loved to see it shock others.

******

Chris drove us to Eight Oh Eight. It was one of her control freak things. We both had them. She experienced the streets like me, so we had both developed control mechanisms to feel safe. I didn't mind that hers was driving. It meant I didn't have to worry about it, and could get as drunk as I wanted. Eight Oh Eight was closer to my house than hers, so she often crashed on my couch after a night of partying. Sometimes just for a few hours, and other times I woke up and she was still there. I never cared. Chris was the polar opposite of my mother. I didn't mind having her in my space.

We had a routine on Saturday nights. We arrived at the club dressed to impress, and a little buzzed. Eight Oh Eight was a large room, with a smaller back room attached that held a few pool tables, single stall restrooms, and a small bar. You could enter from the front into the club, or in the back door through the pool room. We always entered through the pool room and got our first drink back there. It was less crowded, so it was easier to get a drink. As soon as we walked in we could hear the bass pounding in the main club.

"I'll get this one. What do you want?"

"Vodka and Hypno," I told Chris. The other girls I went out with bought their own drinks. Chris and I always did it dude style—we bought rounds like I did with Larry and Jesse at Checks. Chris was older than I was, and held her liquor a little better. I learned my limitations, and at some point she would only be buying drinks for herself. That's probably when she would start drinking from the flask she had tucked in the waist band of her pants.

Chris came back with our drinks, and we proceeded to move towards a large archway that separated the club from the pool room. We jokingly considered this our first grand entrance. As soon as we passed the archway, it was dim lights, pounding bass, sweaty bodies moving around one another, and for me, a little piece of ecstasy.

Clubbin' Elle walked into the club, blanked her face, and surveyed the scene. Chris and I would make a round, as much to check people out as to be checked out. We stuck out since we were tall. We looked nothing alike other than both of us standing a head above the crowd, but the hardened look on our faces matched perfectly. This early in the night we were on defense, not wanting to engage with anyone until we made a full lap around the club. We assessed who was hot, who wasn't, who's head popped above all the rest, and who looked like they needed to be avoided at all cost.

Most importantly, we looked for a man that would be our conquest for the night. Was there a man who would put us on offense?

We strolled around the club sipping our drinks. We passed the large dance floor in the middle of the room. Most people wanted to be on show while dancing. There was a bar in the back we stopped at to get another round. My turn to buy.

"What are you drinking, girl?"

"Captain and pineapple. You feelin' shots?"

"Yeah, I need to loosen up. You seeing anything? Cuz I ain't."

"It's still early," Chris said looking at her watch. "Get me the Captain and pineapple and an Incredible Hulk. You gonna wuss out or do one with me?" I shook my head at Chris, while pretending to barf on her shoes. The Incredible Hulk was Hennessey mixed with Hpnotiq. When mixed together it turned green, hence the name.

The back bar was busy, so I put my shoulder into the crowd and made my way to the front. One more reason I loved being tall, the sea of people were easily moved. I gave a nod to the bartender.

"Hey, Elle. What can I get for ya?" Yeah, I was on a first name basis with the bartender. Or I should say, he was with me, because I could never remember his name. Names were not my strong suit.

"Hey, sweetie. A vodka and Hypno, Captain and pineapple, one Incredible Hulk, and a shot of Don Julio. Lime. No salt."

Chris was behind me and leaned forward to snicker in my ear, "You can handle tequila, but not Henny? What the fuck girl?"

The person next to me grabbed their bottle of beer and stepped away from the bar. A short girl tried to step up to buy a drink, but Chris was quicker and utilized the shoulder move in order to get there first. The girl huffed and Chris turned, giving her the death look, also known as the you want a piece of me look. Her mean face was scary. Way scarier than mine. The girl averted her eyes to the floor and walked away.

"Short ass bitches," Chris mumbled.

"We have serious superiority complexes when we wear heels," I joked.

The drinks showed up and I paid for the round. I held up my shot glass of tequila to Chris and toasted, "To going from awkwardly tall kids to the bad ass Amazons you see here tonight."

"Fuck yeah. To superiority complexes." I smiled wide at her. The kind of smile that was so genuine it reached my eyes. God, I loved Chris. "Cheers, bitch." Chris clinked my glass and we both took our shots. "You ready to finish the lap or do you wanna dance?"

"Nah. Let me get this drink in me first before we dance," I said holding up my vodka drink.

We continued making our way back to the arch. There were some hot guys starting to show up, but no one I was willing to make eye contact with. Clubbin' Elle rarely made eye contact with men. It seemed like once I made eye contact with a man at the club, he inevitably took that as an invitation to come talk to me. I had mastered the skill of looking over the crowd, yet not looking a single person in the eye. Once I found someone who I did want to talk to, then I made eye contact and usually threw in a half smile. We got back to the arch and leaned up against the bar next to it.

"I gotta piss," Chris said, motioning to the bathrooms across from the bar.

"Go ahead. I'm not ready to break the seal," I replied, leaning back into a wall that butted up to the bar. I'd hide out in the corner until Chris returned. This was a great spot for people watching. I scoped things out for a beat when I felt my purse vibrate. I turned to the bar leaving a space between myself and the wall on my right. I dug out my phone to see a text from Aaron.

AARON: At my spot and have two to choose from... or should I take them both home?

I smiled. Aaron was at the gay bar which meant he was getting laid. But two men?! I was going to have to berate him in my return text. I began texting him about how I couldn't even find one, let alone two when I heard a voice at my right.

"Can I buy you a drink?" I looked at the guy next to me. He had smooth skin as dark as night. I could tell he worked out, as his arms were pushing the limits of the elastic on his polo shirt. Unfortunately, I was looking down at him. He couldn't have been more than 5'10".

"Do you want me to keep it real or be nice?" I asked him.

He flashed me a smile of pearly whites and replied, "Nice of course. Why would I want a mean girl?"

I nicely smiled back. "I'm flattered, but I have a boyfriend. I appreciate the offer though."

"Hey, had to at least try," he said, still smiling. I turned back to the bar and my text before he could say anything else. He got the hint and walked away. Had it been a sneaker night, I may have talked to him. Sorry for his luck that it was heels night and anyone I had to look down to didn't stand a chance. I was finishing the text I had started to Aaron when I felt someone to my left.

"I'd like to hear what you would have said if you kept it real," a deep voice said in a tone so low I almost thought I was hearing ghosts.

I turned my head and was looking at the chest of a man leaning against the bar. My eyes crept up, and up, and up until I reached his face. High cheek bones, olive skin, exotic eyes, lips that begged to be chewed on. Holy fuck, it was the giant hottie from Checks. He had jeans slung low on his hips and the same black hoodie he wore at Checks sans the vest and hat. Good God, even his hair was sexy. Dark, shiny, thick, and long enough that I could already see my hands gripping it while he had his head between my legs. Or better yet, pulling it while he had me pinned against the wall, his cock driving deep into me.

I gave myself a mental pep talk. Pull it together Elle or you're going to look like a total dork in front of the finest male specimen you've seen in.... shit, ever. I slowly exhaled and looked him in the eye.

"When a woman keeps it real, she's usually called a bitch. You aren't going to call me a bitch now are you?" I asked with a smirk.

"Promise," he said, making an X over his heart.

"Well, I would have said something like 'I'm flattered by your offer but if you buy me a drink I will feel obligated to stand here and talk to you. And I don't really want to talk to you. So I'll pass on the drink.' Then he would have gotten huffy and called me a bitch."

Giant hottie gave a deep rumbling laugh. "I would have liked to see that. I'd rather a woman keep it real, and I imagine your boyfriend must feel the same way."

"No boyfriend," I said.

He laughed even harder. "So being nice means lying?" he asked, raising his brows.

I shrugged. "Apparently." I was keepin' it cool on the outside, but inside I was a little girl squealing at the fact that I was amusing this incredibly tall and gorgeous man.

"You're kind of a mystery. This is the last place I would have imagined seeing you. It's a shame to hide such beautiful hair under a hat."

Holy shit, he remembered me from Checks. I looked awful that night! How the hell did he know it was me?

He reached out and ran his finger across my furrowed brow. "Your golden eyes."

Did he read my mind? Did I care? No, because I was trying too hard not to throw myself at him to think about what he must have thought of me in my work clothes with Larry and Jesse at Checks.

"I could say the same about you. I came to dance. What'd you come for? This definitely doesn't seem like your scene."

He paused a beat before answering. "Business."

Did I want to think about what "business" a motorcycle guy had at Eight Oh Eight? I didn't have long enough to think about it before Chris came back from the bathroom. She grabbed my arm and turned me to her.

"I'll get us another round and then let's go to the back bathroom." The back bathroom was a single stall, which meant it was perfect for smoking the joint I had in my purse. I turned back to giant hottie, but he was gone. What the fuck?!?!

"Damn Chris, way to cock block a bitch. Did you not see the giant hottie I was talking too?" I said with venom in my voice.

"Sorry, girl. I didn't see anyone. Was he hot?"

"Was he hot? Fuckin' A Chris, he was fucking gorgeous. He was mutha fuckin' 6'5" and he was the fucking guy from Checks!" I yelled. Thank God the bar was loud so even yelling no one else heard.

"Oh fuck. What is a guy from a biker bar doing here?"

"I don't know. I didn't get the chance to find out because someone got in the way."

"Damn, girl. I'm sorry. I swear I didn't realize you were talking to someone. Where'd he go?"

I sighed, done with my tirade. "IDK. I probably imagined him. Fuck, get me that drink and let's go to the back bathroom."

Eight Oh Eight wasn't a dive bar in the hood, but the rules were definitely lax. We couldn't have smoked a joint in the bathroom of the country bar on the other side of town or one of the hipster bars downtown. I didn't know who owned Eight Oh Eight, but it was always packed. They had to be makin' some bank. Cover was $20, but when you walked in with a woman who looks like she could be in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue you rarely paid. Add the mass quantity of alcohol this place sold, and the owner had to be sittin' pretty. I assumed that's why he or she let it get a little wild in here.

Bouncers would kick people out for fighting, but everything else seemed to be fair game. And I mean everything else. I'd once seen a guy on the main dance floor lift his girl's skirt, whip his dick out, and fuck her while they danced. Oddly, few people seemed to notice as they were too engaged in their own scandalous behavior to care.

We went back to the bathroom, and I sparked the joint I rolled while I was waiting on Chris to get ready at her house.

"Light up a cigarette cuz this shit is gonna stink," I told Chris.

"You got some volunteer shit next week right?" Chris asked, while leaning over the sink to touch up her lip gloss in the mirror.

I passed her the joint. "Yeah, it's at a Latino community center."

"It's been a couple weeks now. What've you been doing?"

"Just cooking dinner for the teens in this after school program. Let me hit that before you get lip gloss all over it," I said, motioning to the joint and changing the subject. I didn't want to talk about my volunteering in the Eight Oh Eight bathroom.

I was working with a youth group. Penny, short for Penelope, was the Youth Director and led the weekly classes. They talked about drugs, alcohol, sex, gangs. Normal teenage stuff. I thought it would be a bunch of goodie goodie kids, but they were more a blend of nerds, misfits, wanna be gang bangers, and future soccer stars (or so they thought). It was easy and the kids liked what I cooked. Before me, they ate pizza, and like anything, it got old quick eating the same thing every day. I liked going, and I wasn't sure why. I wasn't really trying to analyze it in the club bathroom, and I wasn't ready to talk about it with anyone, even Chris.

Once Chris and I were good and high, we made a quick exit from the bathroom. We hustled to get away from the smell that would no doubt be lingering in the hallway. This was the time of night we made our second grand entrance, the best entrance. We both had five or six drinks in us, and the joint of the sticky icky icky had just put us over the top. We were flying high.

As we entered the main club, it was like we hadn't been there all night. The high and drunkenness altered our perception to the point that we were able to look upon the club with new eyes. When we walked back in, I thought of the scene in Dazed and Confused where the guys walk through the Emporium in slow motion, Hurricane by Bob Dylan playing in the background. Everything slowed down a bit, and it felt like we owned the place. It was such a rush.

I spent the week waiting for this moment each Saturday night, when the crowds would part as Chris and I walked by. A path would open through the sea of bodies, and it became our runway. And honey, we worked it like RuPaul taught us.

Chris grabbed my arm and leaned in to yell over the music, "Dance?"

"Fuck yeah!" I replied.

She knew where I liked to dance. There was no way you were getting me on that dance floor in the middle of the room. It was too open, too exposed. I wasn't trying to be seen by anyone. I just wanted to let the music permeate my senses and move my body.

One of the things I loved most about Eight Oh Eight was there were various nooks and crannies where you could dance. My favorite was by the DJ box. It was in the corner by the arch, raised from the floor by three steps. It was small enough that only twenty people could fit in the area surrounded by railing which was a nice place to sit or grind on your boyfriend, if you had one. It also provided a wall of bodies around the area. People dancing up here didn't want to be seen like on the main floor.

I found a spot in the corner by the DJ and the wall. I let the music take me away. Chris and I danced, feeling it even more seeing one another get into the beat. I had a bad habit of closing my eyes when I danced. I knew it was unsafe, but sometimes I couldn't help it. I wanted to forget everything and just be in that moment, on that dance floor, with that bass line instructing my body how to move. It was a release of all the stress and bullshit I lived that week and every week of my life. Time stood still when I closed my eyes and gave myself to the music. I was deep into it when I felt a body behind me, causing me to tense and stop moving.

"Don't stop," a familiar voice crooned into my ear. "You looked so sexy lost in the music like that."

I knew it was my giant hottie. I felt his voice in between my legs when he whispered in my ear. He pushed his hips against me and started moving to the beat. God, he felt good and could move. I let him lead and closed my eyes.

There was something about him, his voice, the words we had exchanged earlier, and his easy demeanor that put me at ease. Letting a man grind on me from behind with my eyes closed made me feel vulnerable. I didn't give up control often, but it felt liberating having him behind me, protecting me, moving with me. We swayed back and forth to Wale's Love Hate Thing. I leaned my head back onto his chest, and reached one arm up to wrap around his neck. I put my other hand over his that was on my hip.

Together we were lost in another realm, where time had stopped, and we were no longer at Eight Oh Eight. We were floating in space, just the two of us. There was no one else dancing a foot away as far as I was concerned. In that moment, nothing existed except me, the music, and this man. I gave myself over to it all, letting everything else slide away except the sublime weightlessness my mind and body were experiencing.

I felt his hand move under my shirt, and to the waist band of my jeans. I groaned. It had been so long since a man touched me this sensually. I opened my eyes for a moment to see he had moved us so we were facing the wall by the DJ box, his back to the rest of the dancers. I felt his hand slip down into my jeans. I tensed up again.

"Close your eyes. I won't ever hurt you," he murmured, pulling my ear lobe into his mouth, sucking it between his teeth before letting go. I was about to tell him everyone hurts everyone at some point when I felt his thumb on my clit.

"Fuck," I moaned. Had anyone ever touched me like this? Someone must have taught him these moves because no man had ever rubbed my clit like this—perfect. He slipped two fingers into me and moved them in a come here motion. His thumb alternated between little circles and up and down, while his two fingers leisurely stroked my G-spot. I fell into ecstasy, making noises I prayed no one could hear over the music. I leaned forward and then threw my head back onto his shoulder.

Stars began to emerge behind my closed eyes, and I felt myself start to pulse around his fingers. As if reading my mind, he moved his other hand from my hip and wrapped it underneath my breasts. I held on to his arm and leaned forward as my legs gave out and my orgasm overtook me. He held on to me as wave after wave of euphoria crashed through my body.

The music, his fingers inside me and on my clit, his mouth kissing and licking on the back of my neck, the substances running through my system... all of it made this one of the most intense orgasms I could remember anyone giving me. Maybe if I thought hard enough I could have thought of another experience as magnificent as this, but I was beyond thought. I'd gone totally carnal, giving in to the extreme pleasure my body was feeling and forgetting where I was or what I was doing.

I ebbed down from my orgasm, the beat pounding in the club pulling me back to reality. I came to and felt my legs again. They were still swaying to the music. My giant hottie pulled a black bandana out of his pocket, wiped his fingers off, then shoved the bandana back in his pocket. He spun me around so we were face to face, or more correctly, face to chest.

God he was tall, even with me in four-inch heels. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he put his hands on my hips. We moved together for the rest of the song. I held on to him, letting him lead. Our bodies were in sync. I was sure I would've been unable to move correctly without his strong body connected to mine. I was still coming down from a high like I'd never experienced. I could have danced for hours.

Giant hottie leaned down, gripping my chin with his hand and forcing me to look up into his onyx eyes. "I've gotta go handle business, baby." I felt him moving to kiss me and closed my eyes again. The kiss was slow and sensual, as if he had all the time in the world. As with dancing, he led and I just hung on for the ride, letting his tongue explore the inside of my mouth. Fuck dancing. I could have kissed him for hours! He pulled away, but not before sucking my bottom lip between his teeth, and caressing it with his tongue. "Open your golden eyes."

I opened them and peered into his black ones. "I'll find you later," he told me.

I could only nod as I stood mesmerized watching his full lips move. As he stepped away, reality sunk in, and a voice in my head screamed WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED? Did he just get me off on the dance floor? The dance floor I danced on too many times to count? Did he Google that shit, because I never had someone use one hand to make me see stars. He must have Googled it. No way could he have known how to do it as good as me, practically better. And where the fuck was Chris? Did she just see all that happen? Holy fuck, I was freaking out. Reality didn't creep back, it hit me like a brick flying through a car window.

I turned around and saw Chris talking to the DJ, no doubt requesting songs. Chris was pretty good at getting her songs played just by looking at a man over her long blond lashes. It suddenly occurred to me that whole exchange between giant hottie and I couldn't have lasted more than five minutes. It made me marvel at his dexterous skills all the more.

I grabbed Chris as she stepped down from the DJ box. "I gotta piss, girl," I told her. More accurately, I needed to tend to my drenched panties and smoke a cigarette.

"Back bathroom? You got another joint?"

"Chris, I'm high as fuck. You ain't?" I exclaimed, exasperated. Not at her, but at myself, and him, and whatever the fuck just happened.

"Whoa, cowgirl."

"Let's just go on the patio and smoke for a second." My need to tell her what happened with less noise and a cigarette in my mouth trumped my wet panties. We weaved through the people and I grabbed Chris when we passed the bar. Each second I was changing my mind as to what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. My mind was whirling, and I decided my panties and the cigarette could wait.

"Two Incredible Hulks, a Captain and Pineapple, and a vodka with Hypno," I yelled to the bartender.

"First we're pissing, then we're going outside to smoke, now we're getting drinks AND shots. Incredible Hulk shots? What's going on, Elle?"

"Girl, I don't even know where to start. You remember the giant hottie you cock blocked me on at the bar?" I asked her while paying for the drinks. She gave me a head nod coupled with an eye roll. I passed her one shot and took the other. I clinked our glasses and told her just before shooting mine, "He got me off on the dance floor." I slammed my shot glass on the bar, shaking my head in disgust. I chased it with my vodka and Hypno, cooling the burn from the brown liquor going down my throat. Chris just stared at me with her shot in her hand.

"Shoot that shit and let's go outside." She knocked it back and grabbed my arm, dragging me outside so fast I almost tripped on my heels.

The fresh air hit me and did wonders to clear my clouded head. We both lit a cigarette and smoked in silence for a second, me processing what had just happened, and her still trying to sift through the shock her mind must've been feeling.

"OK, you gotta start from jump cuz I can't even comprehend what you just said, but I'm pretty sure I WANT to comprehend it."

I took my glasses off and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Girl, I don't know where jump is. I was dancing with my eyes closed—"

"Fuck, Elle, how many times have I told you to keep your fucking eyes open? You're a control freak in every aspect of your life except on that damn dance floor around a bunch of drunk and horny men!"

"Shut the fuck up and listen." I put my glasses back on and began to pace in front of the club. "I was dancing with my eyes closed to the new Wale track and I felt him behind me. I fucking smelled him behind me. We moved with the beat for a second, and next thing I know, his hand is down my pants and I'm coming all over his fingers. Fuck, this boy must of stumbled across some Wikipedia article on how to make a girl nut before the song is over cuz I was seein' stars."

"Damn," was all Chris could say.

"Yep." We both stood in silence finishing our cigarettes and drinks.

After what felt like hours, but was more likely minutes, Chris asked, "What did he smell like?"

I looked up at her confused. "Uh, Acqua di Gio. And wood. Or leather, or some natural smell that seemed at odds with the fancy cologne."

"Well, what do you wanna do? You go back to find him?"

"No, he said he had business to take care of."

"Business?" Chris asked in her excuse me tone. "What kind of business does he have at Eight Oh Eight?"

"I don't know." The dramatic hand gestures were starting as I said this and continued as I told Chris, "I was too busy having what might be the best orgasm ever on the fucking dance floor, of a fucking club, to fucking stop to ask about his fucking business." Each 'fuck' elicited a sweeping motion from my hands.

"Fuck, girl," was once again all Chris could say.

"I'm not sure I even want to go back inside," I told her.

"What?" Chris' eyes bugged out.

"I don't know. I'm trippin'. Can we just bail and go home?" I pled with her.

"You know I would do anything for you—"

"And I you," I interjected.

"But make sure you are one hundred percent positive you don't want to go back in there. If I just nutted to some Wale on the dance floor, I would be up in there huntin' mutha fucka down. You sure you wanna just bounce? Take two seconds and at least think about it, cuz you can't be yellin' at me tomorrow sayin' I shoulda made you go back in."

I felt a war inside me, my body pulling me back inside while my mind was desperate to get out of there and be alone with my thoughts. I needed to sink into my head and process what just happened, how he found me, how he remembered me from Checks. Hell, I needed to figure out why I let him touch me at all. I usually avoided physical contact with anyone outside of my tight circle. Working in a tight space with a bunch of guys took me time to get used to since it was inevitable we were going to bump each other on a Friday night. Eventually, I adapted and they knew not to touch me in any other way. I sure as hell never let a man I didn't know lay hands on me. Why did I just let this man touch me in the most intimate way possible? In a public place nonetheless?

"Nah, girl. I gotta go. I promise not to hold it against you. This one's on me. There's no way I can go back in there." As promised, Chris consented and drove me home.
Chapter 3

Over the next few weeks my head was at capacity. Between volunteering at the center, my classes, work, and the giant hottie situation, I was in mental overload. It was times like this I relished living alone. I often joked that I didn't cohabitate well. It was the truth though. It wasn't just the quiet I liked in order to sort my head out each day that I loved. It was being able to be fully inside my head, not having to listen to someone, process what they were saying, and then come up with a response.

My apartment was my haven where I could putz from room to room lost in thought. I did a lot of that in those weeks after my run in with giant hottie. Chris and I had been "exploring" different bars and clubs the past few Saturdays. OK, let's keep it real. We weren't exploring. I was avoiding.

Growing up I never had my own space. My mother talked nonstop and yelled when I didn't listen. When she wasn't yapping my ear off, she was raiding my room for drugs and paraphernalia. She raised a smart girl though, so I got creative in my hiding places as well as moving them around frequently. It wasn't so much that about the drugs, it was about control. My mother wanted control over me and my sister. When she didn't get it, she used her words to make us feel worthless. For me, her favorite way was to compare me to my sister. She thought this would get me to work harder to please her like my sister, as well as turn us against each other.

My sister followed the rules. She did everything my parents asked and more. It became her mission to please them. It was never enough, though. She got a full scholarship to college out of state, and hauled ass out of my parents' house the day after graduation. She left scarred like me. Our scars were different, but they originated from the same place.

We both desperately needed control to feel safe. Control was like gold in our household. Whoever had the most was the winner in some sick twisted game my mother played with our minds. I think the distance was my sister's way of attempting to reign in some control from my parents. You could say she was more subtle with her rebellion, whereas I shoved it in my parents' face

I started working when I was fourteen, and began saving for a car from my first day on the job. When I turned sixteen, I got my license and saved for a few more months before getting myself some wheels. It was old and rusty, but it was golden to me. It meant I didn't have to rely on anyone to drive me around, or come get me out of the stifling weight that pushed on me at my parents' house. My mom tried to give me a curfew. By that time, I was already working late nights in the kitchen and partying with adults. I was done following her rules. At the time, it was a matter of self-preservation. At least on the streets I was in charge of my body and my life, or I thought I was.

******

I was half way into the fall semester, and a few months into my volunteering. Chris, Aaron and I were draped over Chris' beat up sectional we all loved. I preferred not to have people over to my place, and Aaron had a roommate so Chris' place became the gathering place when all three of us were together. Aaron had fucked a hippy the previous night and scored some killer nuggs and Xanax. We were all on cloud nine when Chris decided to bust into my business.

"So what's up with this volunteer shit you're so tight lipped about?"

It took me a minute to answer as I was in slow motion by that point. I hadn't wanted to talk about it, but she caught me with my defenses down. You might have gotten every single deep, dark secret out of me in that moment. Luckily, she just wanted to know about my time at the center.

"You know, when I'm on campus I feel good. I feel clean. Like my life may have some purpose. And I didn't even know I was lacking purpose. I was just going through the motions of life. I was so anxious to get out of my parents' house and to be able to stop fucking guys for a place to sleep at night, that I didn't think about much else. I've got my place and my shit all in order now. I stopped having self destructive sex years ago. Well, fuck, I kinda miss sex. Anyhoo, it was boredom that made me take a class at the college. When I'm there I feel at ease. I can't explain it. It's like I'm OK cuz I'm doing something with myself. It's not the streets where you gotta fight to stay alive and not get raped, beaten, or killed. I feel calm. It's like I can let my guard down a little. God, it's so fucking refreshing to not have to look over my shoulder all the time. "

"Pause your monologue, and puff puff pass, chica," Aaron interrupted.

"Deflect much? Volunteer? What the fuck? You're not going Jesus on me are you?" Chris asked, bolting up from her seat.

"Jesus? What? Dude, it's a Latino community center. Where the fuck did you get Jesus from?" I chuckled, shaken out of my monologue, which was really a soliloquy, as I had forgotten Aaron and Chris were there. Oops.

"Whatever. What's up with it, and why aren't you telling me about it? And why are you monologue-ing about school?" Chris asked, passing me the pipe. "Hit that before you start up again."

I puffed on the pipe and heard the familiar crackling sound signaling the bowl was cashed, empty. I passed it to Aaron.

"Cuz I get a similar feeling at this volunteer gig. I don't know how to talk about it. It's causing feelings I can't identify. How is that possible?"

I paused to stare at my hand in front of my face. It was looking kinda weird. I shook my head to clear it and get back on track.

"I'm working with teens. Some only five years younger than me. And Penny's telling them not to do stuff that I've done, and some things I still do. It makes me feel weird, yet I like going, even if I'm just cooking. And the kids are warming up to me. It was all awkward and shit at first. You know I ain't exactly Ms. Personality when I meet people. I was scared shitless my first day. Not to mention Penny is 4'9" and I felt like the giant white girl."

"High five," Chris dead panned, raising her hand. "Giants rock."

"What the fuck, Elle?!" Aaron yelled.

"Oh yeah, the bowl is cashed, Aaron."

"Fuck you. For that you're packing out of your sack."

I tossed Aaron a couple nuggs from my plastic baggie of marijuana and asked if I could continue my monologue. I didn't wait for permission. I was on a roll.

"Like this one girl, Genesis. She's been helping me with dinner the past few weeks, but we haven't talked about much. Not like I can tell her much about me. 'Oh hey I sell weed here and there to supplement my income and smoke it all the time. I fucked a married man when I was sixteen, and had a crack head point a gun at my head once.' Like, what the fuck am I supposed to talk to her about? And then out of nowhere last week she starts telling me her boyfriend, who's twenty-four while she's fifteen, and ole boy is pressuring her to have sex. Suddenly, I'm counseling her about making smart decisions, and that no one should make her do anything she doesn't want to. I even told her that I regretted some guys I slept with when I was her age, and how I have to live with that shit. I push it to the back of my mind, but it's never gone. How the fuck am I, a stoner to the core, giving advice to a fifteen year old? But dude! It felt good. She hugged me and thanked me for keeping it real with her. Like, what other way can I keep it? Real is all I know. Real, raw, and un-fucking-censored. OK, I censored. She's fifteen. It's like, I like being there with the teens. I'm building relationships with them, and it trips me the fuck out."

"It's just you and me. Chris is out," Aaron said, passing me the pipe. "I think it's cool what you're doing. Don't think too hard about it. You over analyze shit to death. Just roll with it, chica. It sounds like you're diggin' it."

"Yeah, I guess I am," I said, lapsing into thought.

"Oh no, pass that shit back before you get lost in your head again," Aaron said with his hand out stretched.

"I love you, Aaron Brown."

"I love you too, Eleanor Skye. So long as you stop passing me cashed bowls," Aaron added. Totally not stoner etiquette to pass a cashed bowl. "You're one of a kind, you know."

"Oh dude, don't get all weird on me. I'm getting that shit from Larry enough," I exclaimed, hitting him in the arm.

"Larry?"

"Dude, he's been saying shit sometimes. Like about what a catch I am and shit. It's fucking weird. I trust Larry the most out of all the guys in the kitchen. But ew, Larry. He might charm the ladies at Checks with those eyes of his, but he will always be the Larry I first met in a Metallica T-shirt and ripped up jeans. It's a miracle he doesn't have a mullet. I'd love to see his high school year book."

That sent Aaron into fits of giggles, which sent me into giggles, and the next thing you know we had tears coming down our eyes.

"Whew. Damn," Aaron said, catching his breath. "You are a catch. We've all watched you grow from sixteen to almost twenty-three. You look good, bitch. Take the compliment. And Larry isn't that bad looking. You just can't see anyone who isn't seven feet tall."

"But Larry? I'd fuck you before I'd fuck Larry."

"Oh honey that's so sweet. I'm touched," Aaron said, putting his hand over his heart. "But I steer clear of the pussy. No offense."

I started to laugh, afraid the giggles would suck me in again. "No sweat. I'm strictly dickly too. Fuck pussy."

I could barely get the last works out before we were both clutching each other so as to not fall off the sectional. It wasn't really all that funny, but we were floating by that point. Chris was down for the count, passed out, and missing giggle-fest.
Chapter 4

It was Black Friday. In the restaurant business there were three days we dreaded most: Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, and fucking Black Friday. We opened at ten in the morning to a line of customers. By two o'clock, I was not only cooking, managing the tickets so the food came out together and on time, but I was also running interference as the guys got grumpy. This was soooo not in the job description: calming down grown men acting like babies over some stupid steaks and french-fries, and their inability to manage a little stress. We weren't creating world peace. We were flipping burgers for fucks sake.

In good form, Larry was bucking up for the most part. He was on the massive grill, one of the most challenging stations to work other than running point. I asked Jesse, on the fryers, for a chicken tender platter and he started to lose it. I called to one of the servers to see if Aaron could come cook for a few minutes so we could get back on track. Thankfully, Aaron showed up promptly, and not too high to help Jesse. I told him to drop twenty chicken tenders and two baskets of fries into the hot grease right away.

I walked over to the fry station, and put my hand on Jesse's shoulder. Using my calmest voice, I told him, "You're doin' great man. Just hang in there. Two more hours and our shift is over, and I'll buy you a drink at Checks. Aaron's gonna make that chicken tender platter and a few chicken tender baskets. You work on salads, and we'll be out of this in no time." I looked at Aaron to make sure he caught that, and his head nod told me he was on top of it. Thank God! Despite the length of the tickets hanging off the printer, I gave Jesse a reassuring slap on the back and walked back over to my station.

"OK gentlemen," I yelled, clapping my hands together. "Let's do this shit. Larry, hook me up with six burgers, one with cheese. José, plate 'em up and make sure to look at the specs cuz one is no onion and one extra tomato. I got four steaks coming up, one medium and three well done. Larry, toss a couple more chicken breasts on the grill for now, and I'll tell you what to do with them in a sec. Aaron, make sure you got at least four orders of mozzarella sticks in the grease and some extra chicken tenders. Jesse, you just keep at it with the salads. Ya'll good?" They grunted in unison, and I took that as a yes.

Everything came together. I handled a few disgruntled servers, but all in all it wasn't a bad day. I'd seen worse Black Fridays. The night crew started coming in at quarter to four, and we all gave a 'hallelujah' shout. It had been a long day. I was off the hook for my usual Friday night shift. Larry worked a double shift, so he wasn't getting off work yet. That meant it would just be me and Jesse at Checks.

"Hey. Hook me up with some nuggs?" Larry asked, as I was getting my stuff around in the back to leave. I took pity on the poor guy. I had gotten out of Friday night because I agreed to work the day shift and come in early to prep extra stuff for the busy day.

"Jesse, you ready?" I asked. He nodded.

"Alright. Larry, lets hit my car up real quick and I'll pack one. You trynna puff, Jesse?"

"Fuck yeah," he huffed. Jesse didn't get high often, but after the day we'd had, I knew he would want some. He did good after I talked him down. He deserved it. Dear God, I'd been reduced to placating adult men and rewarding them for good behavior with weed. What the fuck?

As we walked past the managers' door to exit through the back, I knocked on it. "Thanks for the help, Aaron. You got a sec to help me move a keg?"

"I got you, chica." There was no keg. That was code for 'are you able to come get high with us?'

"Can you get someone to cover the grill so Larry can come out?" I asked Aaron.

"Yeah, I'll take care of it and be out in a second. Don't have me comin' out there and you pass me a cashed bowl," Aaron teased.

"I'll make sure you're puffing green," I told him with a wink. That meant he would get to hit a fresh packed bowl that was still green. No one had puffed on it yet, turning the nuggs black, and then to ash.

"Be out in ten," Aaron replied. I guess I'll be packing two bowls, I thought to myself.

After a smoke out in the Monte Carlo, Larry and Aaron went back in. I sprayed myself and interior of the car down with ginger body spray. Aaron had a few more hours on his shift and said he would try to meet up with us later, but I doubted he would come. He wasn't a big fan of Checks. After the stress of Black Friday, I was pretty sure Aaron would be looking for some dick tonight.

"Why don't I follow you to make sure you ain't swervin' and shit?" Jesse didn't handle his weed as well as the rest of us. He was high enough that he just nodded. Oh yeah, I needed to be following him.

******

It was around five when we arrived at Checks. Earlier in the day than I usually started drinking, but it was Black Friday after all. The bar was almost full when we arrived. More men than women, all needing a drink after their wives dragged them shopping at four in the morning for that super deal on some gadget at Best Buy. I got the first round, and Jesse and I found a place to sit by the pool tables. I pulled my hat down over my blood shot eyes, shoved my hands inside the hoodie I grabbed from the car, and scanned the pool area, taking in the scene in for a moment.

Jesse nodded toward the pool tables. "Wanna play?"

"Nah man. I just wanna chill for a second and enjoy this beer and my buzz. Why don't you grab us another round. It looks like its filling up and the bartender might get busy soon. I can't speak for you, but I'm 'bout to pound this." I held up my Labatt's.

"Gotcha." Jesse would do about anything I told him to. I tried not to take advantage of him. He would buy all my beers if I let him, but I wasn't like that. He was close to my age, but seemed like a little boy to me. I didn't think he had come across too many hard times in his life. He was a student like me, but I think mommy and daddy paid for it while he lived in their basement.

I was checking a text from Aaron telling me he wasn't coming when I felt someone behind me. I stiffened, straightening my back. Shields up.

"Don't worry. It's just me," a familiar voice said.

Sweet baby Jesus, I knew that voice. It was the voice of a giant hottie I had successfully managed to avoid. It had been almost three months since he gave me a mind-blowing orgasm on the Eight Oh Eight dance floor. Fuck! I had no idea what to say. Eleanor Skye, calm down, I told myself. He's seen you in work clothes stinking like french-fries, and he still pursued you at the club. So you ran out on him. You don't owe him anything. Let him say what he has to say. Oh God, what is he going to say? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I turned around and gave him a coy smile, while continuing my mental pep talk. I was going to have to muster up Clubbin' Elle in Kitchen Elle's clothes. "Hey. How've you been?"

"I would've been better if you hadn't run out on me." Aw fuck. He was going right in for the kill. Where was Jesse with those beers?

"I had some business I needed to tend to." Did I just say that? Ok, that was good. Don't let him know you were freaked the fuck out and ran for the hills. Don't let him know that was the best non-self-induced orgasm of your life.

"Business huh? What kind of business?" he asked, tipping his head to the side a little.

"Little of this, little of that. You know. Business."

He chuckled softly. "You didn't even tell me your name."

"You didn't tell me yours," I countered.

"Are you always this evasive?" he asked, raising one eye brow. Why was that so sexy? Why were his eyebrows making my panties wet?

"Sometimes, I suppose," I replied with a shrug. He chuckled again in a low, sexy way, that managed to have me pulling my legs tighter together. Pull it together, Elle. You're doing good not looking like a fool. Don't fuck it up now.

"Hey I got the beers and some shots too," Jesse came bouncing back, perplexed by the giant of a man standing next to me. "Oh sorry. I only got two."

"No problem," giant hottie said, giving a nod to the bartender while motioning to our drinks. I looked over at the bar. Just as I had predicted, it was almost full. People were waiting three deep to get a drink.

"It might take a while, man. I was over there forever just to get this round," Jesse told giant hottie.

I looked at the two men in front of me. Jesse was a little taller than me, slightly overweight but in a cute, plump sort of way. He might have been raunchy as hell in the kitchen with the rest of the cooks, but he was sweet with the ladies. Coupled with his baby face, he was able to score his fair share of girls when the guys went out.

Giant hottie was everything Jesse was not. He was over half a foot taller with broad shoulders. Tonight he had his leather vest over a white T-shirt, and I had to make sure I wasn't drooling as I stared at his hard, sinewy arms. They looked strong, like they could pack a punch. Christ, I wondered what his thighs looked like. I could only imagine his legs were just as muscled and strong. Probably strong enough to hold me up and fuck me in the shower. I drew my eyes up to his face, half covered by a black hat. Was he covering his eyes like me? Whereas Jesse's face was round all over, giant hottie's was all sharp angles. Even his almond shaped slanted eyes were insanely alluring, unlike Jesse's round eyes that could only be described as cute.

Jesse and giant hottie were talking about bikes or something when a bus boy brought some drinks over and roused me from my reverie. Hmmm. He didn't even leave the table and he got drinks in less than five minutes? The bar was packed three deep all over. What was up with that?

"What are we toastin' to?" giant hottie asked, holding up his shot.

"To old friends and new friends," I said with a smirk. Where did that come from?

"To friends," he repeated with a smile of his own. I watched his lips move, then open to take his shot.

"Elle, shoot that shit!" Jesse howled.

"Yes, Elle take your shot," giant hottie gave me a full smile this time. As I tipped the shot back, all I could think was that he knew my name and I still didn't know his. What the hell?

"Jesse, let me introduce you to," I said, waving a hand towards giant hottie.

"J," he said, and shook Jesse's hand.

"How do you guys know each other?" Jesse asked. God, this was uncomfortable. Well Jesse, this mammoth of a man here stuck his hands down my pants at the club, and I came all over his fingers. Oh, and I just learned his name with you a few seconds ago.

J pulled a black bandana out of his pocket, wiped it under his nose, put it back in his pocket and said, "We've done some business together."

Jesse, totally oblivious, chirped, "Oh that's cool. Did you know J has a Harley, Elle? It's fucking awesome. He built it himself." He was like a little boy. Oh, sweet Jesse. His eyes shown like he was in the presence of royalty. Orgasmic royalty, I thought to myself.

"Yeah, I think I saw him on his bike once. Excuse me gentleman," I said in my best, but still terrible, British accent. "I need to go powder my nose in the ladies' room."

I had to make a conscious effort to not run to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet, pants on, and slammed my beer. Despite the fact that I wanted to drag J into the restroom with me and peel his clothes off, I also was hoping he was gone when I returned. My head was a mess. I got my phone out of my pocket and dialed Chris.

"Yo."

"Fuck fuck fuck I'm so fucking fucked," I screeched into the phone.

"Whoa cowgirl. Reign it in. What, where, and when?"

"Giant hottie who goes by J, Checks, and right fucking now."

"Eight Oh Eight orgasm giant hottie?"

"The one and only. I'm in my damn work clothes, and he comes up behind me and starts whispering in my ear," I replied, a little too loud for a bathroom stall.

"Well, I guess you can't hold that cock blocking shit against me, anymore."

"Fuck Chris, no jokes. What do I do?"

"Where are you?"

"In the bathroom."

"Hold up Elle. I'm going to three way Aaron. He he," Chris laughed, Beavis and Butthead style. "We're gonna three way with a gay guy," she snorted. Glad someone could laugh.

"Yup," Aaron answered. I could hear the din of the restaurant in the back.

"Hey it's me and Elle. We got you on three way. He he. You're doin' two girls. He he."

"Only if you both suddenly grew dicks and Adams apples, then fuck yeah. I ain't had a three way in over a month," Aaron joked right back. Well, the first part was a joke. I wouldn't be surprised if he'd had a three way in the last month.

"It is not joking time. Someone needs to tell me what the fuck I'm supposed to do." The din quieted, so I assumed Aaron had ducked into the manager's office.

"Do about what?" Aaron asked.

"Elle is at Checks smelling like french-fries, and giant hottie is there whispering sweet nothings in her ear."

"Shove it, Chris. He came over to our table and is chatting it up with Jesse."

"Where are you?" Aaron asked.

"On the shitter," I sighed.

"What the fuck Elle?! Get back out there and get him in your bed. Why the hell are we three waying on the phone?" I loved Aaron, but he was a bit of a man whore.

"This is Elle, the queen of masturbation we are talking about here. I'm pretty sure she's hot boxing a cigarette, and tapping her foot incessantly as we speak." Chris knew me too well. I stopped tapping my foot, but continued rapidly puffing on my cigarette.

"Aaron, I have my work clothes on, my fucking hat, and french-fry smelling shirt. And I have crusty alfredo sauce leftovers on my pants from when Larry exploded the microwave today. I'm not in Clubbin' Elle mode."

"Aaron, talk some sense into our girl, please," Chris pled. The five year age difference between Chris and I was evident in her lack of nerves when it came to men. I played it cool on the outside, but was melting on the inside. Chris was cool inside and out. Not sure if that came with age, her gorgeous body and face that was every man's type, but in that moment I would have killed to have icicles in my head instead of the fire I was feeling.

"Elle, you walk around this kitchen like you own the place. You may not feel like Clubbin' Elle, but less than an hour ago you were Kitchen Elle, ordering a bunch of men around and they followed your orders like the minions they are. Buck the fuck up, walk out there with your back straight, and own that place just like you own the club and the kitchen. Fake it til you make it, chica."

"Damn, Aaron. That was great. You should write, like, an advice column or something'." Chris seemed impressed, and very high. "Yeah, Elle. Get your ass out there and rock it."

I took a deep breath and threw my cigarette in the toilet. "Ok, ok, I got this. I'm going to walk out there like the queen I am," I said, trying to actually believe it.

"Oh no honey, I'm the queen. You my dear, are the king in a woman's body. Now take that body out there and call me later after he's fucked you raw," Aaron exclaimed.

"Heh heh, raw, heh heh." Yep, Chris was toast.

"Thank you, I love you both and good bye!" I said, and hung up. I shoved myself off the toilet and out the door before I could change my mind.

"Damn Elle, I thought you fell in. What the hell do you girls do in the bathroom?" Jesse exclaimed.

"I had to shit," I dead panned. All that and J was gone. God damn it.

"TMI Elle. TMI. Well, your friend is cool as fuck and bought us another round and shots. He said to tell you he would find you later after he finished some business."

Business. Hmmm.

******

I was half way through my next beer, and a little tipsy from the shots when Larry arrived.

"Fuckin' A, it's a mad house over there. I had to beg Aaron to let me go, even though it was forty-five minutes past the end of my shift. I need a shot and a beer and a bowl and a smoke, in that order. Oh, and Aaron said 'Here's a nugg. Now buck the fuck up'. Whatever that means." Larry shook his head and handed me some very fine nuggs of light green sticky icky icky in the cellophane from his cigarette pack. I would have to thank Aaron later.

"What can I getchya?" the bus boy from before came up to the table and asked.

"Whatever beer they are drinking, three shots of Jack," Larry started.

"Don Julio for me. Larry, you know I don't fuck with the brown liquors."

"Whatever. Their beers, two shots of jack, a shot of what she said, and an MGD," Larry told the bus boy. "When did Checks get table service?"

I shrugged. Jesse was staring at some girl bent over a pool table making a shot. "So Larry? Barely skated outta there, ay?"

"This was the worst Black Friday I have EVER seen!" Larry thundered, taking his hat off, and running his hands though his sweaty hair. The three of us must be a sight, or smell as it was, in our Applebee's uniforms.

"Larry, you say that every year," I scoffed. Our drinks came, and Larry pulled out his wallet.

"It's taken care of," the bus boy told us.

"By who?" I asked. The bar was at capacity, and we had a bus boy bringing us free drinks?

"J," the boy said, shrugging as if it was nothing big. "He said you guys were taken care of for the night and to get you whatever you want."

"Well fuck man, we're gonna step out. Bring another round when you see us come back in," Larry told the bus boy, handing him a $10 tip.

"No problem. Thanks, but J covered the tip too. I'm taken care of."

Before Larry could say anything more, I raised my shot glass and yelled, "To free drinks, mutha fuckas!!" We slammed our shots back.

"Hell yeah!" Larry yelled.

We took our beers outside, and snuck into the Monte Carlo with them. The parking lot was packed with folks I assumed were drinking off their own Black Friday stress. We smoked the nuggs Aaron had generously provided. I sprayed us down with "girly spray" (Larry's words) and we went back to the patio with our beers to smoke a cigarette.

"Elle won't play me in pool. You interested?" Jesse asked Larry as we walked back inside.

"Looks like our table's still open, and there's a pool table open beside it. Have at it boys," I told them sitting down at the empty table, and making sure my hat covered my eyes. Jesse racked the balls, and Larry came to sit with me as the bus boy brought another round.

"Toast?"

"Sure, but keep this up and both our cars are going to be here in the morning," I told Larry.

He gave me a devilish grin. "Jesse, get your ass over here."

"Shots. Yesssss!" Jesse was easy to please.

Larry made devil's horns with his free hand and yelled, "ROCK AND ROLL!" We threw our shots back like it was 1985, and apparently we were at a Mötley Crüe concert.

"Either of you got singles for a ten? I wanna play some songs," I asked the guys, holding my bill out. They each threw a hand full of singles on the table and waved away my ten. "Make sure no one takes the table?"

"Yeah, but you better play some songs with electric guitars and not beat machines." Larry winked at me.

"I got your electric guitars, Larry," I countered with an eye roll.

I leaned up against the juke box. If I was going to listen to rock music, I was going to choose the shit I liked, which as previously established would be classic rock or 90s grunge. I fed the machine the singles Larry and Jesse had given me, and started from the beginning.

"Needle and the Damage Done? You want us crying in our beers, Elle?" I jumped defensively and shoved the body behind me. "Hey, it's just me, sweetheart," J cooed in my ear, holding his hands up in surrender.

"Sorry, reflex." I turned back to the juke box. "Cinnamon Girl?"

"That's better. What else you got?" J asked, leaning into me as I rested forward on to the juke box. His body seemed even larger, as I was in flat shoes and not heels. It felt as if I was engulfed in this giant of a man. I picked another song. "Smile by Pearl Jam. So, you're not all hip hop I see." That spurred me on. "Sheep? Did you really just play a fifteen minute song?" I gave him a crooked smile and a wink. "What do you know about Pink Floyd?" J asked, obviously stunned.

I smiled up at him. "I know they sucked after Roger Waters left the band, and that when he brought them his original version of the Wall they told him it was "too dark" and they changed some of it," I told J, making air quotes. "Really, I'd like to see how much darker the Wall could be. I also know that Animals was one of their worst received albums on the radio, but is the best in my opinion."

"Impressive," J smiled wide. We picked out some more songs. He picked something by Kid Rock I didn't know, and Purple Rain. Prince. OK, that impressed me. I chose an Eagles track, Civil War by Guns n Roses, Color Me Once by the Violent Femmes, and Love Hate Thing by Wale. I looked up at J as I pressed the last buttons for the Wale song he had gotten me off to at Eight Oh Eight. I could tell by the half smile on his face he caught my innuendo.

"You know it's adorable when you do that half smile? You get a little dimple right here," J said, putting his finger on my lone dimple and running it down my jaw, my neck, and over my collar bone. I shivered.

"Hmmm. Funny, I was thinking you looked pretty sexy when you turned up one side of your mouth. Makes me want to see what I can do to get the other side up." Oh, good one Elle. Those shots were kicking in.

I asked J if he got his business taken care of. "For now," he replied cryptically. OK, so I'm not stupid. I know what business is. Or at least, I know there are a variety of things that can be business and none of them were legal. I did my own business from time to time, and for me, that meant slangin' some weed to make extra money when funds were low. Amidst the storm of bullshit that came out of my mother's mouth, there were a few droplets of wisdom she imparted upon me, usually in the form of sayings. One of which came to me while I sat with J at the table. If you ask a question, make sure you are prepared for all possible answers. I decided I didn't want to know what his business was.

"So J, what else do you do?"

"Are you asking me my hobbies?"

"Sure," I shrugged.

"Well Elle, I like to garden, collect rare coins, and visit national monuments. How about you?" J responded sarcastically. Oh, I could pay this game too.

"Well J, I too like to collect rare coins as well as quilt and, scrapbook." Oh yeah, scrapbooking was good. I mentally high fived myself. I'm sure my dimple was showing because I could feel my half smile and see J's.

J raised one eye brow, sporting that crooked smile I was coming to adore. "Maybe we could compare our coin collections sometime?" Touché J, too-mutha-fuckin-shay. Either Aaron's pep talk, or the three beers and three shots were kicking in, because I was definitely slipping into Clubbin' Elle, or Kitchen Elle, or some hybrid of both, and he was keeping up. Niiiice.

"Maybe sometime indeed," I replied.

"How about tomorrow? I'm assuming you don't work at the restaurant since I see you at Eight Oh Eight on Saturday nights." Whoa, talk about going in for the kill. Twice in one night. He had seen me at the club enough to know I had Saturday nights off?

"Hey. What ya'll talking 'bout? Who's your friend Elle?" Larry had impeccable timing as always.

"J," he said, holding his hand out to Larry.

"Like J-A-Y?" Larry asked. What the fuck kind of question was that? What was Larry doing?

"No like J, the letter. Kinda like L, the letter," J said, tipping his head towards me.

"You shoot pool, J?" Larry asked. "Jesse lost, and is pouting." Another round of drinks arrived as Jesse walked up to the table with his full out pout face on.

I got up and walked around the table. "Aw Jesse it's OK," I told him patting his shoulder.

"The girl with the big titties kept leaning over the pool table across from us every time I was lining up a shot. How am I supposed to make any balls in with those things shaking around right in front of me?"

"If you had balls you woulda sunk a few more shots," Larry snorted. I saw Jesse go on defense. We might as well be in the kitchen if I was going to be running interference between these two, and I wasn't even getting paid for this? What the hell?

"I'm sure your balls are just fine, Jesse," I patronized.

"See!" Jesse told Larry, not getting my patronization at all. Larry winked at me, knowing what I was up to.

"Ah, sorry guys but, I gotta head out. Nice meeting you though." J reached out and shook Larry and Jesse's hands. He leaned down and said low enough so the guys couldn't hear him, "Call me tomorrow. I put my number in your phone."

"What? When?" I asked.

"Mmmm. Great song choice. I'm looking forward to hearing from you tomorrow, Elle," J said as he winked at me and walked away, Wale playing in the background.

"What was that about?" Larry scowled.

"Jesus Larry! You wanna piss on me so no man ever talks to me?"

Larry mumbled something about women, PMS, and more shots. I don't know why I barked at him. Of all the cooks, Larry knew the most about my history. I was glad he was watching out for me. I guess he'd never had to watch a guy hit on me that I was interested in. Usually, it was the short, ugly guys who hit on me when I went out drinking with Larry. More than once, I was asked out and pointed to Larry across the room, claiming him as my boyfriend. It was different with J. I wanted J to devour me!

I was reeling from the whole night. I flagged the bus boy over, asked for a water and chugged it as soon as it arrived. Larry and I went outside to smoke a cigarette.

"Sorry, Elle. I wasn't trying to be a dick. You know I just want to make sure you're OK. And I didn't like the way that guy was looking at you."

"And how was he looking at me?"

"I don't know. Like he was gonna eat you or something," Larry said, taking his hat off and running his hand through his hair. I laughed. I wished J would eat me!

"Don't worry, man. My virtue is safe," I said, holding my hand over my heart and swaying a bit for effect. "I'm gonna bounce. I'm sobered up enough. Call me if you need a ride tomorrow. Catch a ride with Jesse and leave your car here if you get hammered."

"Yes Mom."

"Fuck you," I smiled, giving Larry the finger and walking away.
Chapter 5

I woke up Saturday morning to my phone ringing and my head pounding. I looked at the time. Who the hell was calling me at 7am? I practically fell out of bed reaching for the phone in my sleepy state.

"Hello?" I grumbled.

"Hey, Elle, its Kevin." Why did I answer a call from work? "Look, we're a man down in the kitchen. Think you could come work the lunch shift?"

"Fuck Kevin, you know I bust ass Friday night so I can have Saturdays off."

"Yeah, but you didn't work last night."

I rolled my eyes at his comment. "No cuz I worked Black Friday ALL day, which you KNOW is way worse than the night."

"Please, Elle. I'm hurting here." I sighed and rubbed the crust out of my eye, taking my time answering.

"Conditions," I told him. He wasn't getting me for nothing. "I'm going back to sleep right now. I'll be there by ten when the doors open. I'll stay no later than four AND I'm coming in on Sunday at ten instead of eight in the morning. Find someone to do my prep work."

"I can do everything but Sunday."

"It's a nonnegotiable deal. Take it or leave it." Yeah, that was harsh, but at seven in the morning that's what you got from a sleepy and disgruntled Elle.

"Well can you at least come in at nine today?" Kevin begged. What part of nonnegotiable was he not understanding?

"Nonnegotiable, Kevin. It's everything or nothing." I'd worked in the kitchen long enough to know how to play this game. He would buckle. If he didn't, he would be flipping burgers or frying chicken by himself all day.

"Fine," he hissed.

"See you at ten," I said, and tossed the phone on the nightstand. I got up, peed, took some ibuprofen, and went back to bed until nine-thirty. I would forgo a shower and roll in there right as the doors opened.

******

The day was slower than a usual Saturday, as most people spent all their money the previous day on Christmas presents. I was feeling a kinda lethargic, but my headache was gone. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.

CHRIS: u up?

ME: fuckin workin

CHRIS: u don't work Sat days

ME: picked up shift

CHRIS: 808 tonight?

ME: lemme c how I feel later

CHRIS: bet

I left the restaurant at eight that evening. Yeah, I totally didn't get out of there at four, but I negotiated my Sunday shift away. It was more than a worthwhile trade. Sunday brunch sucked, since you only cooked the menu items once a week. I worked Sunday brunch for years, and always made the breakfast items. Now I had the whole day off. First Sunday I'd be free in I don't know how long.

I texted Chris and told her I was staying late in the kitchen, and doubted I'd be up for clubbin' that night. She was fine with that, telling me she was going on a date. Chris usually had at least three phone numbers at any given time she could call for a man to take her out. Some people might consider her a hoe. I liked to think Sex in the City had lessened that stereotype. Women wanted to have fun and get laid just as much as men. We all went about it differently. Chris could keep the emotions out of it. Me, not so much.

After a long, and much needed shower, I threw myself on the couch and fired up the Kindle. I was knee deep in rock 'n roll, and Kellan's amazing hair when I heard my phone beep. I groaned, as it was in the other room. I didn't want to get up, but it could be Chris needing me to get her out of a bad date. I grabbed it off the charger in my bedroom and looked at the caller ID. It was from J. How did he get my number?

J: u didn't call

ME: i picked up a shift

J: what r u doing now?

ME: chillin reading

J: going out?

ME: too tired

J: meet me tomorrow?

Was that a question or an order?

ME: how did u get my #?

J: the same way I gave u mine

ME: ????

J: when u were telling ur friend his balls were 'just fine'

Ah, now I recall. I left my phone on the table while I consoled Jesse after his brutal loss at pool. Well, that was a little ballsy of J to program his number into my phone, and undoubtedly call himself with it to get my number. Did I like it? Or was it intrusive? It was intrusive, but shit, I kinda liked that he took control. Especially that he did this while I was in my work clothes, and not feeling all that sexy.

J: so? tomorrow?

ME: coffee at noon?

J: isn't that a lil late for coffee

ME: noon is my morning

J: gotcha. location?

ME: starbucks on 27th and washington cool?

J: anyplace would b cool

ME: well its winter u know :)

J: anyplace would be cool if UR there ;)

ME: smooth talker eh?

J: nah just tellin the truth

ME: i like the truth.

J: c u tomorrow golden eyes ;)

ME: indeed giant hottie ;)

I tried to go back to Kellan, but I was too keyed up after texting with J. I needed an orgasm or five to put me to sleep. Guess it was me and the vibrator again. At least I had some new material to fantasize about while I got myself off. I turned my phone off. I was sleeping in on a Sunday for the first time in years and there was no way I was going to let work or anyone else call me. It was late enough that Chris would have texted for an 'out' on her date if it was going poorly. I assumed it was going well since I hadn't heard from her.
Chapter 6

I was standing in front of my closet for twenty minutes, just staring at my clothes. This was Sunday morning(ish) coffee, not Saturday night clubbin'. As I'd never been on a Sunday coffee date, (was this a date?) I had no idea what to wear. He'd seen me at my best (in heels, hair done, and full face of makeup) and at my worst (in work clothes smelling like grease) so I didn't feel the need to go overboard.

I decided to wear what I would wear if I were using this day off to go to the mall, or out to eat with Chris. I wanted him to see what I looked like on a regular basis when I wasn't working, or dressed to go out. This meant jeans, red Jordans, and a hoodie. I did my hair, but skipped makeup. I rarely wore makeup if I wasn't going out. Granted, I wore makeup whenever there were potentially hot men involved and there was no potential about this situation. There was most definitely a hot man involved, but it sort of put me at ease knowing he had seen me in at my worst and still liked me. It took the pressure off to fuss in the mirror for two hours. Plus, I really didn't like the feel of makeup on my face. I tolerated it when I went out, in hopes of scoring a guy. Today, I was going au-naturel.

I arrived at Starbucks and sat in my car for a minute. It was odd for me to be so calm. I expected to be freaking out on the inside, and trying my best to keep it cool on the outside. I heard Aaron's voice in my head telling me to stop overanalyzing and only pondered this for a moment before I got out of the car and headed inside.

I strolled into the coffee shop, and looked around. It wasn't very big, and J stood out. He was sitting in a booth reading the newspaper, taking up one whole side with his giant frame. He had on jeans, Jordans not too different from my own but in grey, and a grey hoodie without the vest. No hat this time, so his hair was a perfect mess on his head. He was definitely giving Brad PItt a run for his money in the hair department. But J's was so dark brown it almost appeared black. I can't imagine he spent hours in the mirror doing it. He seemed like the wash and go kind of guy.

Hmmmm. I'd like to find out how he did his hair in the morning. Hopefully in only a towel, while I watch from his bed, naked. I'd have to see about arranging that.

"Hey," I said, as I plopped down across from him, shaking myself out of my fantasy. "No coffee?"

He put the newspaper down. "I was waiting for you," he responded with a panty melting grin. "What do you want? I'll order and you hold the booth."

"Yes sir," I said, and saluted. "Americano with cream sir," I said in my best military voice, and saluted again.

"At ease soldier," he replied with a wink. I went to get money out of my purse. "If you hand me money I will be highly displeased soldier. You don't want to insult your commanding officer do you?" J asked. If my panties hadn't already melted, they sure as hell had now. I was certain my commanding officer had me going commando by that point.

I put my money away, and told him thanks. It was always awkward to let men pay. I know a lot of them felt it was what they were supposed to do, but it made me feel like I owed them something. I didn't like owing anyone anything. You never knew when they were going to come collecting and what they would want in return. I'd learned this the hard way on the streets. A joint could end up costing you a belated blow job if you weren't careful. And a thirty year old drug dealer had no issues convincing a fourteen year old girl that this was an acceptable trade.

He returned with my drink, and sat down opposite of me. "I bought you a drink, so you're obligated to talk to me, right?" he asked, with a twinkle in his eye, referring to our conversation at Eight Oh Eight.

"I suppose I am," I concurred with a polite nod. There was a moment of silence. And then another moment. My calm was slowly evaporating.

He saved me by asking, "How long have you been cooking?"

"Six years."

"I worked in a kitchen before. Not many girls in the one I worked at. None actually."

"That's how it usually is," I replied with a shrug.

"It seems like the guys you came to Checks with are cool. Does anyone mess with you in the kitchen?"

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

He rubbed his left shoulder. "It's just that it must be hard working around a bunch of guys all night. They don't fuck with you or try anything on you do they?" he asked a little aggressively.

"Oh." I was catching on now. "No. They're all cool with me. They have no choice. I run the show, plus they all know I could cook them under the table any day." He chuckled at my boasting. I raised my eyebrows letting him know I wasn't joking. I was the best cook and everyone knew it. "Larry and I have worked together for most of those six years, and he sets new guys straight if they don't follow the rules."

"The rules?" he asked with a smirk and an eyebrow arch. Ah fuck, those eyebrows were going to be the death of me.

"We work in close proximity, as you know if you've been in a restaurant kitchen. It's inevitable we are all gonna bump into each other, especially on a Friday night when there are six of us. That's no big deal. Now if a guy's fingers bump my boob, then we got a problem. Basically, don't grab any part of me. That's rule number one."

"And number two?" Eyebrow arch.

"Um, rule number two is that they can talk about women all they want. I am the minority after all. I hear a lot of stuff from them. I just don't want them talking about me, and I sure as hell wouldn't tolerate them talking about getting rough with a woman. But none of the guys we have now are like that."

"So what happens if they don't follow the rules?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "They get dealt with."

"Excuse me?" he laughed.

"I'll regulate when necessary. And if a guy still ain't getting' it, Larry will handle it. Only once has it gone past Larry."

"What's after Larry?" he asked, becoming slightly distressed and rubbed his shoulder again.

"Well, once a guy tried to push himself on me in the freezer. I shoved him. He slipped and fell. I took the opportunity to run out of the freezer. Told Larry. He told the other cooks. They beat his ass behind the restaurant, and the guy never came back to work," I told him matter-of-factly.

He was quiet. Obviously contemplating something. In the UK I think they would say 'I could see the cogs turning in his head.' I wasn't exactly sure what a cog was, but I'd read those lines in some romance novel before. It seemed an appropriate estimation of the man sitting in front of me. It also appeared the shoulder rub was his contemplation move.

"Are you OK?" I asked in a shaky voice, feeling concerned I might have said something wrong that would send him running.

He reached out and took my hand from around my coffee cup. I had long fingers. Long legs, long toes, long neck. Yet my hand for once looked slight next to his giant one. It was a foreign feeling. I contemplated this as I stared at our intertwined fingers. He had nice hands. Hands that had put in work and weren't afraid to get dirty. Strong hands. Yet the gentle and firm manner in which he held mine in his made me think he also knew how to handle delicate things with care.

He sighed and I drew my eyes up to his. A myriad of emotions played across them in the seconds before he spoke. "I'm glad Larry has your back," he said with a tight jaw. He rubbed his thumb over mine. "I would kill the fucker that tried to hurt you, or lay hands on you," he said through gritted teeth, distressed now.

I grabbed both his hands in mine. "Hey, it's OK," I said in a soothing voice. "I've managed for twenty-two, almost twenty-three years. I'm fine. I've handled way worse than anything that's happened in the kitchen," I said with a small laugh.

His eyes turned hard, and looked straight into mine. "But you shouldn't have to deal with any of that, Elle."

I exhaled the breath I didn't know I was holding, and lowered my eyes back to our entwined fingers. I appreciated that he didn't want anything bad to happen to me, but this conversation was heading down a path I wasn't willing to go. If this is what Sunday morning-ish coffee was like, then I'd rather be flipping pancakes and scrambling eggs at work.

As if sensing my unease, he lowered his voice and confessed, "I saw you as soon as you walked in the door of Checks."

I tilted my head and looked up, back into his dark eyes that had softened a bit. "What night?"

"The first night you came in with those two other cooks, in your uniform."

"Oh, I'd been there before when I was seventeen. But I guess it was my first time going there legal," I said, casting him a half smile and dimple. "How did you know it was my "first" time?" I asked making air quotes.

He smiled. "I would've noticed you. Or one of my boys would have."

"Why's that?"

"You're hard to miss," he said with a wink.

"Yeah, the hat and salsa stained T-shirt are usually a hit with the men," I replied with an eye roll. I'd felt the antithesis of sexy that night.

"You could've had a bag on your head, Elle. It was how you carried yourself. Like you owned the bar. And I knew for a fact that you didn't own the bar."

"Is that so? And how did you know I didn't own it?" I asked, my voice dripping with sarcasm, as if there were a chance in hell I owned it.

"Let's just say I know the owner pretty well. And he would have told me if you came in. It's rare for a woman with a full set of teeth to come into Checks," he joked, and I laughed so hard I snorted.

"Did you just snort?" He raised his eyebrows in amusement.

"Yep. I snort. So I own it. But you know you really made me laugh if I snort," I told him with a smile. "How did you recognize me at Eight Oh Eight? And what were you doing there if Checks is your scene?"

"I was meeting someone there and I saw you standing by the bar. At first I just saw a beautiful woman with great hair. But then you turned around to say something to your friend, and I saw those golden eyes. You were stunning." He reached over and pushed my chin up. Aw fuck Elle, your God damn mouth was hanging open?! Smooth, real smooth. He gave me a giant smile. No half grin, no smirk, but a full on, beaming, white teeth smile. I looked down, but was pretty sure my smile was just as big as his.

No one had ever called me stunning before. I didn't know how to respond to his words. I'd only heard those kinds of things from creepy guys, or guys who were just trying to get in my pants. He said it with such conviction, it sent a shiver up my spine and made my heart race.

"Let's get out of here," he said, grabbing my hand. "You got anywhere to be?"

Whew, he mustn't have thought I was a total dork if he still wanted to keep hanging out. I was glad for the reprieve from compliments.

"Not at all," I replied, shaking my head. He pulled me out of the booth and we walked to the door holding hands.

"You cool leaving your car here and riding with me?" I dropped his hand.

Oh, no. No no no. A light in my head went off and a robotic voice repeated 'red alert red alert'. "Um, I think I'd rather have my car. Can I follow you?"

"Of course." Double whew. That was easy. Most men would've whined and complained, expecting me to give up and get in their car. Then I'd be a bitch when I didn't. The streets taught me that it was better to a bitch than to be dead, but still, who wants to deal with grouchy men? J wasn't grouchy as he put his arm out for me to take. "I'll walk you to your car." With a broad smile, I took his arm.

I clicked the locks on the Monte Carlo. "A Z34 Pace Car. Nice. They only made four hundred of these in '95. I see you had it painted." He ran his hand over the hood, impressed.

"Black is the only color a car should be," I told him. "Most of it's original. The engine was rebuilt when I got her, but I painted over that yellow shit she was covered in."

"You did it yourself?" he asked, fascinated. I had to crush him.

"No. I have a guy who does everything."

He got that cog turning look again. Coupled with the shoulder rub, I was afraid I'd fucked up again. Shit, what had I said now?

"It must be expensive to keep an older car looking so good. And parts can be hard to come by."

I shrugged. "I don't always have to pay him." J's eyes got huge. He dropped his hands to his sides and clenched his fists open and closed a few times. "Oh shit. No no, not like that," I said, grabbing his hand and uncurling his fist. "I give him killer weed in exchange for keeping the Monte hooked up."

I saw him exhale and his whole body relaxed. The cogs turned for a moment before he told me, "Damn, Elle. It seems there's a lot to learn about you."

Yeah, again, it's Sunday morning-ish. That was about all he was getting out of me for now.

"Hey, I know a place we can go. Follow me?" I asked.

His eyebrows rose. My pulse sped up. He moved towards me. Or should I say, he stalked towards me, like a wild animal moving towards its prey. I retreated until my back was against the Monte. J put one hand on the car window, and the other in my hair as he leaned in. I could feel his breath and taste the coffee. I licked my lips.

"I'll follow you anywhere, woman."

He ran his tongue over my lower lip and I gasped, my lips parting at the slow, erotic feeling burgeoning inside me. The seduction continued, but the slow stopped, as he crashed his lips against mine, his tongue finding its way into my mouth. I was stunned and unprepared, but that evaporated as my own desire kicked in. I reached around and grabbed the sides of his hoodie, forcefully pulling him against me, and holding on for fear his explorative kiss would bring me to my knees.

I groaned as he sucked on my bottom lip. It was exactly how I had thought about chewing his lips when I first saw him in that dark corner at Checks. My pleasure seemed to spur him on, as he grabbed fist fulls of my hair in both hands, and continued his assault on my mouth. I sucked his tongue into my mouth, and held it between my teeth for a beat. He gasped as I let go of it, followed by a slow moan that snuck out of his mouth as he exhaled.

"Fuck, Elle," he said, leaning his forehead against mine while attempting to catch his breath. He released my hair and put his hands on either side of me against the window on the Monte. I was trapped. I should've been panicking. But in that moment there was no place else I could imagine being. "Let's get outta here before this turns into a public show," he said.

I smiled and pushed him off of me. "You started it," I said with a wink.

"It was torture sitting across from you in that booth. But know that I don't miss an opportunity," he replied with his own wink, and backed away towards his car. "Lead the way soldier," he hollered, and saluted as he got into his black Suburban. Apparently he thought black was the best color for a car too.

I lead him to one of my favorite places, Tilt. We pulled into parking spots toward the back of the lot. He got out of his car and walked towards me with his eyebrows raised. "An arcade?"

"You up for some Tekken?" I asked with a slight smile on my face.

"Sure, just don't be mad when me and Jin whoop your ass."

I tilted my head and shot him half a smile. "Care to wager?"

"What's the prize?" He seemed intrigued.

I put my pointer finger against my lips and pretended to think for a second. "Hmmm. Not sure." I tapped my finger against my lips a few times before I pulled my eyes from the sky to look back at him. "I'll decide after Eddy Gordo and I win."

J let out a loud laugh. One that came straight from the gut. He rubbed his hands together. "Let's do it. Lead the way, darlin'."

I grabbed his hand in mine and led us into Tilt. I didn't play video games anywhere but at the arcade. Put a PlayStation controller in my hand, and I would lose without a doubt. A stand-up arcade game was another story though.

I'd been practicing since I was a kid. My dad used to take me to the arcade when I was young. When things were good at home. Money was never in excess, so a trip to the arcade was a splurge. My sister never went. It was just me and my dad's thing. Tekken, Skee Ball, Pacman, Wack-a-Mole, and Pinball were my favorites. I never brought anyone with me to Tilt, so I could tell Brian, the owner, was shocked as I entered the arcade with J in tow. I would imagine J alone could appear menacing due to his sheer size, but me bringing someone with me stunned Brian more. He knew I was a loner when it came to my time at the arcade.

"Hey, Elle. How've you been?" he asked, looking up from behind the counter. Brian was in his late forties, and had inherited Tilt from his father. Like his belated father, he had light brown hair and a matching full beard. I vaguely remembered his father from when I was a kid. He passed when I was young, and Brian had taken over.

"Sup Brian. Same old. You know. Hook me up with some tokens? Fifty?"

J got his wallet out to pay for the tokens. It took everything I had not to dig in my wallet and insist on paying.

"How's your wife doing?" Brian's wife was going through chemo for some kind of cancer the last time I was here.

"Still fighting," he said, handing over our tokens in a plastic cup.

"Glad to hear it. Give her my best."

"Will do. She'll be happy to hear you came in." Brian looked at me, and then J, as if to ask for an introduction. I shook my head. There would be no introductions today. Maybe if J lasted, and we came back. I would introduce them. For now, Brian was left to his own assumptions.

"Come on. I'll give you the tour," I tilted my head toward the machines, and grabbed J's hand. Tilt wasn't huge, but it had my favorite games, and I was in good standing with the owner. I showed J the redemption games on one side of the room, pointing out the new dancing game Brian had recently installed. I'd seen kids playing on it, but I never had the balls to try.

"Now I'll take you to the dark side," I told J, unable to hide my grin.

The video games were at the other end of Tilt, and in good arcade fashion, it was dark on that side. Games were tucked away, and there were a variety of nooks and corners to hide in. I knew them all.

Hiding from my dad was part of the fun of coming to Tilt when I was little. I think my dad knew them just as well as I did. He could have found me in a few seconds, but he acted like he didn't know where I was hiding. Sometimes he would even pretend to ask Brian where I was, and they would have pretend conversations about how worried they were. Eventually, my dad would either find me, or I would jump out of my hiding spot feeling victorious that I had fooled them.

"I see you come here often?" J questioned.

"Sometimes. Tekken is over here. You ready to lose?"

J put four tokens in so two players could play. "Just promise me this won't be the last time I see you after you lose," he smirked.

As always, I chose Eddy Gordo, my favorite character. J chose Jin. Fitting.

"Best out of three?" I asked. J nodded.

There were three rounds in each game. I won round one and two of our first game, so there wasn't a round three. I looked at J over the top of my glasses. "Sorry," I sneered playfully.

"I was just warming up," J said, wiping his hands down his jeans.

Game two was a little closer. J won the first round, taking me out in less than a minute. I won the second round. I was ahead in the third round, having taken Jin down with one of Eddy Gordo's famous sweeping leg kicks, but J knew how to use Jin's low kicks, coupled with low punches to take me out, winning game two. We were tied. I felt the usual adrenaline rushing through me as we started our third game. J beat me in round one. In round two, I started shit talking to the screen. "Lower, lower. Ah ha, get him Eddy. Body slam!" I hollered, winning round two. I threw my hands in the air and bowed in a circle to our pretend audience.

I looked at J with a smile. It was down to one round. My competitive nature had come out. I wanted to win! J was no longer the man I had been fantasizing about naked. He was my opponent and I needed to crush him. Just before I pushed the button to start round three, the defining round, J grabbed my arm and pulled me around to the side of the machine, out of the line of site of anyone entering the arcade. He shoved my back up against the machine.

"Kiss me, in case you lose and never want to see me again," he told me, his voice full of urgency.

A smile appeared on my lips. I shoved him against the Mortal Combat game behind us, and grabbed the front of his hoodie. Pulling him down, I smashed my lips against his. He shoved his hands into my hair and I did the same, finally feeling how thick and silky his hair was. The kiss was violent, fueled by adrenaline, as both of us were revved up by the competition of the game. He grabbed my leg and wrapped it around his waist. Good thing I was flexible. I dug the heel of my Jordans into his ass and he thrust his denim covered cock into my stomach. Before I could get further lost in J's kiss, I shoved him away, breathless.

"Stop stalling Elle, and just let me beat you," he teased.

"Are we still talking about Tekken or are you about to go all fifty shades on my ass?" J let out another gut laugh.

"Keep laughing... while you can." I winked at him and resumed my position in front of the game screen.

We both wiped the sweat from our hands down our jeans. J pushed the start button. The final round seemed to move in slow motion. He'd get a kick in, and I'd get a punch in. He'd advance and retreat, I'd advance and attack. Our characters danced back and forth. I glanced at both of our life lines, each of us only needing one more good blow to take the other down. I slammed my hands down on the buttons making my character, Eddy, do a headstand, grabbing Jin into a head lock with his legs only to slam him down. Jin was dead.

"Hell yeah!" I howled, jumping up and down. I walked in circles, hands in the air, basking in the glory of my triumph. "I win."

J put his hands up in surrender. "I should have known it was a lost cause when I realized you were on a first name basis with the owner. So what is it that you win?"

"Hmmm." I put my finger on my lips, once again pretending to think really hard. "I think... that we need to hit the liquor store across the street, you need to pay for a pint of my choice, and then we can come back and see what else I can beat you at. I'll even let you chose the game."

A huge smile spread across J's face as he grabbed my hand and bound out the door. "We'll be right back Brian," I yelled over my shoulder.

This wasn't the first time I had made a liquor store run from the arcade. Brian knew the drill. It didn't pass J's notice as we ran past the counter and out the door. Tilt had been my safe haven many times over the years, even after I stopped coming with my dad. I played the machines by myself, lost in the game, ignoring whatever crap life threw my way that week. I took my anger and frustration out on pretend characters in fake street fights. It was sheer luck a liquor store was across the street.

We got a pint of Cuervo. Not my favorite tequila, but it was the only one available by the pint. I asked for a bottle of lime juice too.

"Get in the Suburban. Tinted windows." J instructed.

I climbed in, coming down from my winning high. I took the first swig of the Cuervo to make room for the lime juice. After I squeezed as much lime juice as I could fit, I capped the bottle and shook, reopened it and took another swig. Much better. I passed it to J.

J took a big gulp out of the bottle and raised his eye brows. "So I'm guessing you've also done this before?" referring to the lime juice I put in the tequila bottle.

"Once or twice," I shrugged with a slow smile forming on my face. We continued passing the bottle back and forth.

"Let's save some," J said when the bottle was half full. "I need to win back my honor."

"Best of luck soldier," I laughed and saluted, jumping out of the Suburban.

We played some skee-ball. J won. We played Wack-a-Mole. I won (and cheated). We amassed a ton of tickets on Plinko. Through it all we both had smiles plastered across our faces like junior high kids. I hadn't laughed this much with someone besides Chris and Aaron in who knew how long. It was easy being with him.

Dinner and a movie were my worst nightmare. Sitting across from someone trying to make up conversation. Then sitting through a movie neither person was watching because you were both so nervous about what was going to happen at the end of the date.

With J at the arcade, we were free, just like junior high kids, free of life's responsibilities, even if only for a moment. That's why I came to Tilt, for these moments of freedom from the drudgery and pain life often provided.

There was one more token left in the cup. "Ready to finish that pint?" J asked.

"You don't want to use the last token?"

"Nah," he said putting it in his pocket. "What do you want with all those tickets?" he asked looking at the strips of them in my hand.

We took them up to Brian and got plastic snakes, a candy necklace, two blow pop suckers, and some fuzzy dice. As I walked back to J's car, a blow pop in my mouth, I felt like skipping.

J opened the back door to the Suburban and ushered me in following behind me. I rewrapped the sucker and put it in my pocket. He drank from the Cuervo bottle and passed it to me. "I had a great time. Thanks for bringing me here."

"I'm glad you had fun. No one ever wants to go to the arcade with me."

"You haven't come here with boyfriends before?"

"I've never been here with anyone except my dad." I quickly changed the subject from my family, "And I don't really have boyfriends." Maybe that wasn't the best conversation changer.

"Why not?" he asked, passing me the bottle.

He held up a joint as if to ask me if I wanted to smoke it. I nodded, but held my thumb and forefinger apart an inch to indicate just a little bit. I wasn't sure how drunk I was, and smoking weed for the first time in a day while drunk inevitably lead to the spins, and then vomiting. Barfing seemed like it would put a damper on the entire engagement.

"I don't know. It's easier to keep things casual I suppose. No one gets their feelings hurt."

J passed me the joint and I passed him the bottle. "I would think you'd have guys lined up to date you."

"I don't know," I shrugged, puffing the joint.

We were moving into dangerous waters. I wasn't prepared to tell him that my longest relationship was three months, and usually three weeks was my limit. I was quiet for a moment.

I held the joint up to J, silently asking where to tap the ashes. He held out his hand. I tapped the burnt ends into his palm and puffed it again. We swapped; I gave over the joint and he gave me the bottle of Cuervo to finish off. I sunk into thought, temporarily forgetting where I was.

As my thoughts came together, I looked up to see J watching me, with a calm but intent expression on his face. It was a nice change from some of the chatty mother fuckers who pushed me for information. Maybe it was J doing the opposite that made me speak up.

"Like ogres and onions, I have layers. Many. It's hard to ramble them off to someone, which is what most people seem to want me to do. I can't lay myself out in twenty words or less. You just have to go along for the ride and find out."

I struggled to hold his gaze, feeling as if his eyes were looking deep into me, glimpsing the fire beneath the icy exterior. I felt the ice cracking a bit. I passed him the Cuervo bottle. He gingerly tapped the ashes from the joint into his hand, then poured them all into the empty Cuervo bottle.

"Do you want this roach?" J asked indicating the tail end of the joint. I shrugged. "Otherwise I'll toss it. No sense getting busted for a roach in the car."

I appreciated his forethought. I tried not to carry weed on me anymore than what I planned to smoke. I held out my hand and J put the roach in it. I gathered some spit in my mouth and swallowed the tiny bit of the joint that was left.

"You just swallowed that?" J looked at me incredulously.

"No evidence and no waste."

"Ogres, onions, and Elle," J muttered, shaking his head.

His eyes were pitch black pools looking into my gold tinted, brown eyes. His look he gave me spoke volumes, but he only uttered one sentence.

"I look forward to the ride."

I was both terrified and turned on simultaneously. I just spent an incredible afternoon with this man. He asked me questions, but didn't push for answers when he saw I was uncomfortable. I wasn't sure what was supposed to come next. The silence wasn't weird, but it would be if something didn't happen soon. J must have felt the same, as he edged closer to me on the bench seat. He reached his hands under my arms and up over my shoulders, pulling me towards him. The movement made my head fall back, and his lips were instantly on my neck. Soft kisses and tiny licks up to my ear and back down to my collar bone sent a shiver through me. Someone moaned. I think it was me. He was so gentle and sensual, unlike the forceful kiss we shared inside the arcade.

I reached around his waist and put my hands under his hoodie, running them over the smooth skin on his back. It seemed like there was so much skin to cover and I had only just begun. I wanted to touch every inch of him and have it touch every inch of me.

He pulled me on top of him, straddling his lap. I reached up higher under his shirt, my hands continuing the exploration of his stomach, his chest, his back, all of it rock hard, yet covered in the smoothest skin I'd ever felt. My head was hazy from the Cuervo and joint. Everything felt heady and erotic as his kisses intensified, his lips finding mine, and gently pushing them open. He licked his tongue around, exploring inside of my mouth. I realized I was grinding my hips into him. Someone moaned again. This time I knew it was me.

"Fuck," I whispered.

"What?" He pulled back, concern written all over his face.

"I just wanna—fuck. I don't wanna stop, but I'm not trynna fuck you in a car outside the arcade. I don't want this day to end, but I don't know what happens next." I leaned into his neck muttering fuck a few more times. I felt like a dumb ass.

"Can you trust me and come to my house? Nothing creepy. I have beer and pasta, and a great view. The sun is about to set. No pressure. No weirdness. We can just kick back, and if at any time you feel weird, just speak up. You can say no, but I really hope you don't. I'm not ready for this day to end either." He lifted my chin up, forcing me to look him in the eye.

I smiled. "Can we have a safe word?"

His eyes got big. "Now who's going fifty shades? What are you planning to do to me that I would need a safe word?"

I threw my head back and laughed, snorting a few times. "No, more like an 'I'm feeling weird, please make it not weird' safe word," I said, playfully shoving his shoulder.

"An 'it's getting weird' safe word? OK. What's the word?"

"Um, starfish?"

He looked me right in the eye. My heart started to pound in my chest. Did he think I was a total dork? Had I ruined this perfect day? Fuck, I felt like the freak in high school all over again. I waited for him to reply. It felt like the theme to Jeopardy was playing in the background.

A smile spread across his face. "Starfish it is. You OK to follow me?" I exhaled. He seemed to just go with whatever I threw at him. Damn. I was smitten.

"Yeah." I smiled, glancing up at him for a second before looking down at my hands. "Thanks," I murmured.

"For what?"

I looked him in the eye, something that was hard for me to do. "For being cool. For today. For starfish."

"No problem, Elle. It's part of the ride, right?" He took my hand, and kissed the palm. He spoke, his lips against my hand, "I'll wait for you to pull up behind me."

I wrapped the hand he was holding around his cheek, cupping his face. "Yeah." I smiled, nodded, and hopped out of his car before it turned into starfish time. He could be so fierce, yet so compassionate. How could one man encompass the virility of Apollo, the strength of Atlas, and kind heartedness of Artemis?

I got in my car and ran my hands over my lips, remembering all the things J had done with them, and done to them. I couldn't help smiling. I shook my head and chuckled a bit. This day had gone better than I could have ever expected. These things didn't happen to me. Before I could over think it, I threw the car into DRIVE.

I followed J's Suburban back to his place. It wasn't far from the arcade. The house was small, but it sat on what looked like a little over an acre of land. There was a pond behind the house. The sun would be setting over it soon. He was right, he had a great view.

I parked my car behind his in the driveway. He came to my door and opened it, again holding his arm out for me. I couldn't help my crooked smile as I reached out and took hold. He led me up to the front door, unlocking it and ushering me inside.

"It's not much. Living room," he said motioning to the room we walked into. It was sparse with a brown leather couch and matching recliner facing a mounted flat screen TV.

"Is that recliner command central?" I teased.

"During the playoffs it is." He smiled. "There's two bedrooms upstairs and this is the kitchen," he said, leading me into a smallish room. Plenty for a bachelor though. I was sort of a connoisseur of kitchens as I spent forty plus hours a week in one, but I kept my mouth shut.

"This is the best part," he said, grabbing my hand and walking us into an enclosed porch off the kitchen that overlooked the pond. "It wasn't heated originally. I had a friend swap the screens for windows, and insulate it for all four seasons so I could sit out here and watch the sunset in December as well as June."

"Oh wow. This is the shit."

I ran my hand over the brown leather love seat that must have gone with the set in the living room. There was a wooden coffee table that sat in front of the loveseat. The base was made out of wood. It had an eagle perched on a bear's shoulder carved into it and a sheet of glass lay on top of it.

The entire wall opposite the loveseat was fitted with a giant picture window. The pond sat at what was probably the end of his property line. Behind the pond was an expanse of open land that ended in a line of trees. The view was breath taking.

He let me stare for a minute before asking, "Pasta, wine, beer? What can I get you?"

"What kind of wine?"

"Red."

"What kind of red?" I asked.

"Picky much," he said smiling at me. "I think it's a Merlot. Someone gave it to me. I'm a beer kind of guy."

"Merlot sounds great." I followed him into the kitchen as he opened the wine and grabbed a wine glass. "Can you put it in a rocks glass?"

"You mean not in a wine glass?"

I smiled sheepishly. "Although I'm impressed with your stemware, I'm a spiller." I'd learned the hard way after ruining a few dozen shirts with red wine stains.

J turned from the cabinets to look at me. "A spiller?"

"I spill shit on myself a lot."

"Rocks glass it is." He poured some Merlot into a glass that read 'World's Greatest Dad' and passed it to me.

"You have kids?" I asked. Please say no. Please say no. Please say no.

"No." Yes! "I got it for my dad when I was a kid. I kept it after he passed."

"Were you guys close?"

"Yeah, sorta. My mom left us when I was nine. So my dad and grandpa raised me. Gramps was full blooded Lakota. What about you? Your parents still around?"

"Unfortunately," I groaned.

J was lifting his beer to take a sip when I said this. He stopped mid-way and gave me the eye brow arch.

"You don't seem happy about that. Shitty childhood?"

"No. And Yes. My parents are still around and surprisingly still married. I think my dad would've left her a long time ago had he not been raised Catholic. My mom is, how shall I say, a handful."

J continued his eyebrow arch as if urging me to continue.

"Things were great when I was a little kid. I don't know when they got bad. I guess it was slow process. She's controlling, and expected the moon from me and my sister. It didn't matter what I did, it wasn't ever good enough. And she made sure to let me know every single time that I wasn't good enough. It was a constant mind fuck. Bring home second place in the science fair, and she'd ask why I didn't get first. Come back with an A, and she'd ask why it wasn't an A+. I gave up trying. And the more she tried to control me, the more I rebelled. There wasn't one big event that fucked me up. It was a slow fuck up. I was pretty much running the streets 24/7 by the time I was sixteen, squatting at friends' houses most of the time. I left my parents' house for good when I was seventeen."

J leaned against the kitchen counter and took a drink of his beer. "The streets can be rough."

"Indeed."

"What kind of stuff were you into on the streets?"

Yep, that was it. Sharing time was over. "Crazy shit. Stupid shit. It's the past. Let's enjoy the present."

As if taking my hint, J topped off my glass and grabbed another beer. He led me to the porch. The sun was just starting to set over the pond. It truly was a beautiful sight. I could watch this every evening. Sometimes it seemed the world was so full of hate and ugliness. It had dominated my life for so long, and it seemed like I was just starting to make it out of a hole I didn't know I had been in. In that moment, I realized changes were happening in my life. I don't know when it started, but things didn't seem quite as ugly as they were five years ago. That realization made the moment all the more beautiful.

We sat on the love seat, forced to be pressed up against one another. J grabbed my legs and twirled them around to set on his lap. "Nice Jordans," he said as he removed them. "Oh, nice dinosaur socks too," he laughed.

"Don't hate the T-Rex with his little arms. He'll bust your—ooooh that feels good."

I closed my eyes as J rubbed my feet. Despite the enormity of his hands, he used the perfect amount of pressure as he massaged from heel to toe. Had a man ever rubbed my feet before? I'm guessing not if I had to think so hard about it.

"So you are twenty-two, almost twenty-three. You cook. Love the arcade. Are a picky wine drinker. And you have a sister. What else?"

I took a long drink of my wine.

"Uh, I'm tall."

J let out an honest laugh, that not so attractive one we all have. I took another long drink, emptying my glass.

"Yes, you are tall. I like that you're tall. You and your friend make quite a pair at Eight Oh Eight when you're in heels. You two are kinda hard to miss."

I shrugged, "I used to hate being tall. Now I love it. My size has saved me a number of times. I can't imagine being five feet tall and getting out of some of the situations I've been in."

J gave me that look again. The cog turning look. I diverted.

"Want another beer?" I stood up, and walked into the kitchen. He nodded and started to rub his shoulder. Always the left one it seemed.

I returned with a beer and a newly filled glass of wine.

"So look, all this getting to know you bullshit is screaming starfish. You ask me a question and I'll ask you, but can we keep it light?" I asked in a cautious voice, not wanting to sound like a bitch.

"Of course. You wanna puff while we ask non-starfish questions?"

"That sounds good," I replied smiling, my apprehension starting to subside.

He grabbed a bag and a beautiful glass sherlock from under the coffee table. It was obviously a hand-blown pipe. It was shaped like the one Sherlock Holmes used. The glass was a mixture of blue and purple swirls. I grabbed it from him to admire

"Got it from a hippy who owed me a favor."

"Gotta love them hippies," I laughed. "Oh look!" I said, pointing out the window and passing him the pipe.

The sun was just starting to move below the horizon. J packed the bowl and passed it to me with a lighter. He put his arm around me and pulled me into him. I fit perfect in the crook of his arm, my head against his chest. I felt so small next to his huge frame. It was an odd, but pleasurable feeling. So far, every inch of him that I had touched was solid. It made me want to touch all of him. I puffed the bowl and passed it to J. He grabbed it with his free hand.

"Light for me?" he asked, holding his lips to the pipe, as I lit the bowl with the lighter.

We continued smoking and enjoying the sunset in silence until it was dark, and the bowl was empty. After the sun set, we continued sitting, both lost in our thoughts, mesmerized by the beautiful sight we had just witnessed. It was an easy silence, which was rare for me. Silence could be awkward, yet I usually refused to break it with meaningless dribble. If the other person couldn't come up with something to say, then I figured there wasn't anything worth talking about. This wasn't like that. It was as if nothing needed to be said. We were just existing in the moment, talking unnecessary.

Curled up against J, his chin resting on top of my head that lay on his chest, I felt like the world had disappeared. Just like at the arcade. I guess the whole day had felt like that. Nothing mattered except the moment we were living. The past was over, and the future was unwritten and it didn't need to be analyzed. There was no need to be two steps ahead, just in case. Just in case of what? I didn't know. I had always felt the need to be a few steps ahead in order to feel safe. I couldn't remember a moment like the one I was feeling where I could just... be. Did J feel the same way? He seemed so comfortable in his own skin. Did he get nervous?

J standing up shook me from my reverie. He went to the kitchen, and came back with the bottle of Merlot and another beer. He nodded towards my glass. I held it out for him to refill.

"So we got lost in the sunset and the bowl. Can we still have non-starfish time?" he asked, passing me a can of cashews to munch on.

I nodded, tossing a handful of nuts on my mouth. "Those are some good nuggs. From the hippy too?" The high quality of his weed hadn't gone unnoticed.

"Nah, I got other sources. So question one, summer or winter?"

I held my finger against my lips, as if thinking deeply. "Spring. You?"

"Summer, so I can ride my bike."

"Yes, the bike. We need to talk about that later. Question two, favorite song."

"You like the bike? Depends on my mood. When I'm revved up, anything Rage Against the Machine. When I'm relaxing, Motown or Maxwell."

"I love the bike. And I fucking ADORE Maxwell! Chilling or otherwise," I replied.

J grabbed a tablet from below the coffee table. What all was down there?

"What kind of music are you feelin'?"

"Is that your question?" I joked. "Anything. Put it on shuffle."

"No, that's not my question. That was me being a good host," he winked, as some kind of rock music began to play. I cringed. "Not a fan of rock?"

"I like classic rock. Some 90s rock. Hip Hop and Neosoul too. I like a lot of different stuff. It's not really about the type of music, but the musician."

"Ok, next question, give me three totally different musicians you like." Oh that was a good one.

I thought for a second before answering. "Pink Floyd, Madonna, and Jay-Z."

"I already knew Pink Floyd after your Roger Waters speech," he smiled. I was feeling a little fucked up on the wine and weed.

"Want more? That was just the tip of the iceberg. We haven't even begun to discuss Roger Water's solo stuff. He was Pink Floyd. When he left, it was just bullshit. Fuck the Division Bell."

"Steady tiger. I don't disagree. Although I think you aren't giving David Gilmour a fair shake."

You know how old Looney Toons cartoon's eyes would pop out of their head? I think mine did that.

"What? Fuck David Gilmour! He couldn't even sing, let alone carry on what Roger Waters created Pink Floyd to be."

It was either the wine, or J's incredible lack of knowledge when it came to Roger Water's greatness that had me sweating. I unzipped my hoodie, discarding it on the floor. I pulled my legs up against me and turned toward J.

"My turn. We are moving into dangerous territory. You say the wrong thing, and I might just have to leave," I joked. "Dave Chappelle or Jimmy Fallon?"

"Dave Chappelle. Hands down."

"Ding ding ding!" I cried, touching my finger to my nose. "Fuck yo couch!!" I yelled, reciting a classic line from the infamous Rick James sketch.

J came back with, "Samuel L Jackson. It'll get ya drunk. No, I can't stop yelling, 'cause that's how I talk!" It seemed J was well versed in his Chappelle sketches. I wish I had more hands, so I could give him four thumbs up!

I laughed so hard, tears started to roll down my cheeks as he recited another one of my favorite sketches. Holy hell, this man could recite Chappelle sketches. Had I stumbled on Mr. Perfection? Tall, dark, handsome, and a Chappelle fan? I'd hit jack pot. And I was definitely drunk.

"Does Wayne Brady gotta choke a bitch?" he asked.

Oh God, I was going to pee my pants. He knew all the best lines. Chris and I loved Chappelle sketches, and recited them often, usually drunk and inappropriately loud.

We were both holding our stomachs from laughing so hard when Massive Attack's Group Four came on. I realized the speakers were remotely attached to the tablet. This man didn't fuck around with his technology.

"I love this song!" I yelled. J pressed a button so the whole album would play.

"I need a beer," he said, standing up. He put his hand out and pulled me up. "Grab the wine. I'll heat up some food."

I followed him into the kitchen. He pulled off his hoodie and stood in a white T that barely grazed the waist of his pants. I could see the V from his abs dipping into his jeans as he reached up to grab some bowls off the top of the refrigerator. I licked my lips. Shit but he was hot. I was in jeans and a wife beater, having lost the hoodie in the sun room, yet I was burning up. It felt like suddenly all my senses were hyper aroused.

"You like alfredo?" he asked, oblivious to the dirty thoughts assaulting my brain. I moved in autopilot, not thinking, just acting upon my impulses. I grabbed the bowls out of his hands and tossed them on the counter, reaching up to grab his neck and pull him down to me. God, he was so tall! He didn't miss a beat as he brought his lips to mine. I sucked his bottom lip, holding it for a second between my teeth before letting go. He groaned and grabbed me around the waist, hoisting me up onto the counter. I shoved my hands into his hair. We were feral as I pulled his hair, and brought myself to the edge of the counter, thus pulling him between my parted legs. I could feel his erection as I slammed against him.

Massive Attack's Angel began playing as I broke our kiss to pull his shirt over his head. We were both breathing hard as I took a moment to gaze upon his sculpted chest, abs, arms. Everything above the belt was hard, and from what I could tell, everything below the belt was too. I ran my fingers over the grooves that made up his six—no eight pack. He wrapped my hair around his hand, gently pulling it back to expose my neck. I offered it willingly. He licked and kissed up my neck and up to my ear, sucking on my ear lobe and holding it between his teeth. "Fuck," I groaned, overflowing with sensations I hadn't felt in a long time, maybe ever. He reached his other hand up the back of my tank, and unclasped my bra in one swift movement. Again, we broke from each other as he pulled my bra and shirt off.

"Fuck, that feels good," I whispered as he traced his tongue around my nipple before sucking it and then biting it. "Harder. Bite it harder." He grabbed the other nipple and aggressively kneaded it with one hand as his mouth bit and sucked on the other. "Yeah, like that. Oh God, that feels good J."

I grabbed fist fulls of his hair and pulled his lips back to mine. I ran a hand over his chest and my tongue began a downward descent from his neck to his shoulder. I wrapped my legs tighter around him, wanting as much of our bodies to be touching as possible. "Shit. I feel like, like—I just want to bite you," I growled. I squeezed my legs tighter around him, grinding myself into his crotch. The feelings inside me were intense. Like there was a tiger in my body clawing to get out so it could devour J. He must've felt it too, because I swear I heard him roar as he held me tight to his body.

He put his hands under my ass and lifted me up. I tightened my legs around him. My eyes were closed as he continued kissing my mouth and I felt us moving. I don't recall going up the stairs, but we must have because we were in his bedroom. He tossed me down on his king sized bed. There were speakers in his room that I assumed were also connected to the tablet. The song had changed to Dissolved Girl at some point.

I leaned back on my elbows and watched him take his shoes off. I sucked my bottom lip as he undid his belt, and took his pants and boxers off in one swoop. He leaned a knee into the bed and crawled towards me. I undid the button of my jeans and he tugged them off, leaving me in red panties. Red to match my Jordans. He grabbed my leg, and kissed the inside of my ankle, slowly making his way up to my knee and then my thigh. I threw my head back, and a random stream of cuss words came out of my mouth. He licked the edges of my panties and then moved on to the other side. My clit was throbbing for him to touch it, lick it, anything, but he started kissing down my other leg.

I squirmed, unable to stay still, my body begging for release. Blood pulsed through my veins like a drum beat. He hooked his thumbs around my panties and slowly, so slowly pulled them down. It was like time slowed yet my body was internally on fire, and it was burning hard and fast. His head moved in between my legs, and I let out a painful moan. God, I needed him to touch me.

"Look at me," he demanded.

I raised my head, and looked at him hovering between my legs.

"I've had your scent in my pocket for months waiting to taste you," he said, as he swiped his tongue through my folds and onto my clit. I had no idea what he was talking about, but I didn't care. I was lost in the sensations he was causing.

"More. I need more," I begged. He parted my folds, and licked around the inside of them. "Oh, shit. Lick my clit. Please. Please, J" I pled.

He obeyed and sucked the throbbing bundle of nerves into his mouth, holding on to it between his teeth as he slipped two fingers into me.

"Fuck!" I bucked my hips up. He held them down, and rubbed his fingers inside me, just like he did on the dance floor. That little come here movement with his fingers that rubbed my G-spot to perfection.

I was drunk on wine, but drunker on the feeling of his tongue, his lips, and his hands. I started to feel light headed as he continued sucking and biting my clit. Stars emerged behind my eyes. I closed them and faintly registered the sound of a condom package being torn open. I bolted up as my orgasm began. Rolling my head back and forth as wave after wave crashed through me. I felt him slide into me. Slowly at first, as if testing the waters, and the waves that were pulsating through my pussy. Then he pushed all the way in, filling me up, and dragging my orgasm out that much more. He held still for a second, as I caught my breath.

"Fuck, J." I was gasping for breath. I pulled his mouth down to mine, and felt him start to move inside me.

"I've thought about this almost every morning," he said against my lips, as he continued to stroke in and out of me. "Every morning I've wished my hand was your pussy wrapped around me. I imagined your scent being all over me."

I was leaned back and my legs were wrapped around him. He got onto his knees, and pulled me up so I was sitting on his cock. We moved in sync, both moaning as I burrowed my face into his neck and my fingers into his hair. He slipped his hand between us and began massaging my clit. I felt his cock begin to grow and pulse inside me. I bit into his shoulder and moaned as I felt another orgasm coming on.

"J. J! Fuck!" I screamed.

As if he'd been waiting for me, I felt him swell inside of me, stretching my walls even more. Then he exploded, filling the condom and yelling my name over and over again. He continued massaging my clit and pumping in and out of me as we both rode the waves of our orgasms.

"Elle, oh God, Elle. My Elle." He kept repeating my name until it was a whisper. We were both gasping for air.

We stayed connected, clutching one another. "I don't wanna let go," I panted, trying to catch my breath.

He pulled my hair back, kissed up my neck and across my jaw until he reached my ear to whisper, "Then don't."

He moved us down on to our sides, still inside me.

"Don't ever let go, Elle."

Slowly, our breathing returned to normal. Still, we laid there, connected, maximum skin to skin contact. It felt like when we watched the sunset, and there was no past or future. Only the now.

All too soon, J disentangled his limbs from mine, and went to dispose of the condom in the bathroom, returning with a wash cloth wet with warm water. He cleaned me with tenderness, and tossed the wash cloth into a pile of clothes on the floor. Crawling back into bed, he pulled me on top of him. I laid my head on his heart that was still coming down from the explosion we both experienced.

"Did you still want pasta?" he asked, looking down at me with an amused smile.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled us back on to our sides, so we were face to face. I kissed his lips gently. So very unlike the aggressive fucking that had just taken place.

"No pasta if means losing even an inch of your skin from mine." He chuckled, and laid his head down.

"No Pasta then," he murmured. We both fell asleep wrapped up in each other, sated, content, and exhausted.

******

My eyes popped open. I woke up surrounded by darkness, with a racing heart and arms wrapped around me. Fuck. Where was I? My face was pressed against a hard chest so I couldn't be in hell, right? I looked up slowly, afraid of what I might see. I had woken up next to guys before that I really didn't want to wake up next to. Either I was sleeping with them because I had no place to go, or because it was either get raped or just go with it. It's been years though since that happened. It's been years since I'd woken up in anyone's arms.

I slowly looked up, inch by inch. Hard chest, defined pecs. I continued inching my eyes up until I was looking at dark hair covering closed eyes and high chiseled cheek bones. In a flash everything came back to me. Coffee, the arcade, coming to J's house. OH! And the glorious sex I had with this man last night. I should have been curling back into him, right? I wanted to curl back into him. I wanted to throw my leg across him and claim him as mine. So why did I find myself peeling my limbs out of his arms, trying not to wake him up?

I tiptoed around the room, picking up my clothes. Fuck. Where were my clothes? Shit, I had to pee too. I found the bathroom and relieved myself. I sat on the toilet, a war happening inside of my mind.

Ok, Elle, let's assess. You had a great day with J yesterday. You had even greater sex. He said kind words while giving you screaming orgasms. He is sexy like no other. Why are you freaking out? Why are you tryin' to leave? Why aren't you crawling back into that bed for another round? Oh, right, because you're Eleanor fucking Skye.

I found the rest of my upstairs clothes and remembered my bra, hoodie, and shoes I had taken off downstairs. I quickly dressed and pulled my hair up in the band that was around my wrist. I tiptoed back to the bedroom and stared at J.

Fuck. I hadn't noticed the tattoo of an eagle on his left shoulder. That's the shoulder he rubbed various times that day. The eagle's head started on the outer edge of his shoulder, the tail running half way down his arm. Its wings spread out, with one wrapping around his body to cover his left pec, and the other running down his back shoulder blade. Damn, but it was an awesome tat. I exhaled a silent sigh. He really was gorgeous, and I really wanted to crawl back in next to him. Instead, I leaned over and kissed him gently on the cheek. He grumbled, but didn't wake up.

"Starfish," I whispered, then crept downstairs and went home.
Chapter 7

The restaurant had just opened when I received the first text from J. It was craptastic. Good and bad all wrapped into one.

J: i was hoping to wake up to you this morning

ME: had to work

J: when do you get off?

ME: idk. gotta work a double shift

That was a lie. I only had to work the day shift.

J: hit me up when ur done?

ME: yup

It wasn't busy enough to lose myself in cooking. Instead, I had eight hours to think about my day and night with J. That much time to think is never a good thing.

I got off work, showered, and hit the library to study. I couldn't study at home. Too many distractions. The floorboards I'd been meaning to scrub would suddenly start calling my name, and the homework was forgotten. Plus, I liked being on campus. It helped keep me focused. Friday was my last final exam and I would be done for the semester. I'd enjoyed the History class I took. The spring semester would be Civics and Basic Algebra. I wasn't looking forward to Algebra. Numbers were never my thing unless it involved weights and scales.

I decided to wait until nine as I was heading home to text J.

ME: just got done. exhausted. hit u up l8r?

J: k

Hmmm. Just 'K'. I felt relieved he wasn't asking me when he could see me again, yet disappointed at the same time. There was one question I hated hearing from a man. When can I see you again? It sent shivers down my spine, and usually sent me into a panic. It made me feel like a guy was trying to tie me down, force me to commit. When can I see you again? Paranoid? Yeah, I was. I knew it. Maybe this was karma for all the guys I avoided that question with, because I was disappointed J didn't push harder to see me. Ain't that a bitch.

On Wednesday, I was at the center volunteering. Genesis was helping me in the kitchen again, as was Fernie. I was pretty sure Fernie was only helping because Genesis was. I could feel love in the air. At least Fernie was closer to Genesis's age at seventeen. Still a little old for a fifteen-year-old, but really, who was I to judge? He wasn't married, nor was he forty. And I regretted that shit every day...

"How was school?" I asked them. It seemed like a harmless question, but apparently it wasn't by the look Genesis gave Fernie.

"Fine," Fernie said. Genesis scowled. She had long, curly, black hair and dark eyes to match. Those dark eyes were currently dilated to practically black.

"Yeah, I believe that. Totally," I told them both.

"Fernie got suspended," Genesis announced.

"Ay, Genny. Callete la boca," Fernie responded, telling Genesis to shut up in Spanish.

"What for?" I asked, putting a tray of chicken nuggets in the oven. "Keep stirring the macaroni, Fernie. Genesis, can you put the plates and stuff out?"

Genesis left the kitchen and I did my best to use a casual voice to ask Fernie again why he got suspended. I was sure there was a story to be told, but if he would divulge it was up in the air.

"Someone put mota (weed) in my locker and then tipped off the principal. It wasn't mine, but no one believed me."

"Why would they put weed in your locker?"

"No sé (I don't know)," he said, with a shoulder shrug.

Being the queen of shoulder shrugs, I knew there was more to the story, but I doubted he was going to tell me. Fernie was a good kid and cute. I could see why Genesis liked him. He towered over Genesis's 5'1" stature, but he was still barely eye to eye with me. He had some baby fat on him but I could already tell it was starting to turn to muscle. His stocky frame seemed to get more solid each time I saw him.

Fernie only came a few times my first month at the center, but had been coming every week for the last month. I think Genesis had something to do with it. Although well mannered, I could tell he was skirting the edge of street life. He wasn't a choir boy that's for sure, but I got the impression he was trying to keep his shit clean. Maybe for himself, maybe for Genesis.

"What are you going to do when you graduate?"

"No sé."

"What do you know?" I asked him.

Fernie shot me a broad smile. "I know the food got a lot better when you came around."

"Deflection. Do you know what that means?" I got another shoulder shrug. "Changing the subject cuz you don't wanna talk about something. Trust me, I'm a pro at deflecting, so you can't fool me. But thanks for the compliment."

"Why do you come here?" Fernie's question caught me off guard.

'What do you mean?"

"Well, you're like, all guerrita, so why are you coming to hang out with a bunch of Mexicans?"

"Well, I think Cielo is Peruvian." Cielo's nationality was obviously of little consequence to Fernie.

"You know what I mean." Fernie stopped stirring and turned to look at me as if waiting for an answer.

"Keep stirring the macaroni."

"Deflection?" Fernie looked at me with an amused smile. Busted.

"You got me," I sighed. "I came cuz I saw Penny's flyer at school. I like my Spanish classes. I thought this would help me."

"You're in school?"

"Yeah."

"What for?"

How did I answer that? Honestly I guess.

"I don't know yet. I just knew I needed to do something with my life. I've worked at Applebee's since I was sixteen. It's ok, but I don't want to do it forever. I can only afford two classes at a time, so it's going to take me a while to finish school. I have plenty of time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up."

"You work at Applebee's?"

I rolled my eyes. You could tell a teenager something ten times and they would still forget. I'd told Fernie at least three times where I work.

"Yep."

"So that's why you can cook?"

"Yep." He would undoubtedly ask me again in a week or so where I worked.

"Your guerrita parents don't pay for your school?"

I could've taken his question as an insult, but I didn't. I'd heard the teens' stories enough to know that the white kids at their schools could be assholes. I knew he didn't mean it as an insult. It's just the way things were in his life and for a lot of the other teens at the center.

"I don't have the greatest relationship with my parents. I didn't really follow the rules too well. I think the macaroni is done. Put it in the big bowl and put the lid on it to stay warm."

"What rules didn't you follow?"

God, where would I start? I didn't come home for days sometimes? I was high from morning til night starting when I was fifteen? I fucked way too many dudes when I was way too young? Thankfully, I was saved by Genesis coming back in, and announcing everyone was coming to the kitchen for dinner.

"Tell them the nuggets need five more minutes."

Genesis mumbled something in Spanish to Fernie that I didn't catch and he left. I assumed to tell Penny that the nuggets weren't ready.

As soon as Fernie was out of earshot, Genesis came up next to me and exclaimed rather intensely, "Fernie asked me to the Winter Formal."

"What did you say?"

"I haven't answered him yet."

"Why not?"

"He's cute and all and he's nice to me," she trailed off.

"But?" I probed.

"Sometimes he's super cholo and... I don't know."

"You aren't still seeing the older guy?" I asked.

"No. I took your advice and told him I didn't want to have sex. He stopped calling."

"Dick head." Genesis giggled at my cussing. If she only knew that was actually mild for me. "Cholo. That's like, thugged out, right?"

"I don't know. I guess it's like that. I just don't like the people he hangs around with. They think they're all gangsters. But when it's just me and Fernie, I really like him. He's sweet and holds my hand."

I was pretty sure I was correct in my definition of cholo, but made a mental note to look it up on urbandictionary.com when I got home.

"Sometimes you can be not really doing anything wrong, but the people around you are." I paused. "And you can end up in a bad situation."

Geez, cryptic much, Elle? I couldn't exactly tell her the real story of how when I was still a teen, I went to guy's house I liked. I knew he sold weed because I met him buying it. It was all good until someone came to pick up a sack of weed, robbed the guy I was with, clocked me in the head, and ran off with all the weed, the TV, and my purse.

"What do you mean?" Genesis asked. Of course she was going to ask.

"Well, it's like, let's say you're dating a guy who rolls in mud, you're bound to get dirty yourself. Feel me?"

"Huh?"

Genesis looked at me totally lost. This whole advice thing was becoming more difficult than I anticipated.

"Ok, so if you hang out with people doing bad stuff, illegal stuff, and the cops come around, do you think they're just going to let you go? Not that I'm sayin' Fernie is any of that, but you feelin' what I'm saying? When you hang around crazy people, crazy things happen, and you might get caught up in something, even if you aren't doing anything wrong. Is this making any sense?"

"Yeah. I think so. Like, I could get in trouble too even if I'm not doing anything?"

I nodded. "We call that guilty by association."

Genesis was silent for a moment. Processing I assumed.

"So should I go to the dance with Fernie?"

I lamented in my head that I couldn't magically drop all the knowledge I'd gained over the years into her head.

"I can't answer that. You gotta make that decision. I guess you could give him a chance, but tell him up front what you are and aren't comfortable with. If he does something that makes you uncomfortable, or takes you some place you don't want to be, make sure you have a way to leave. I always take my car so I can leave whenever I want."

"Oh." I could see Genesis processing again. "I don't have a car."

I grabbed a pen and started writing on Genesis's hand.

"Here's my cell. Now you have a ride if you need one."

"Thanks, Elle. You're really cool. Here comes everyone. Can I serve the nuggets?"

"Have at it," I said, getting the chicken nuggets out of the oven and passing her a set of tongs. "Just don't touch the pan. It's still hot from the oven."

While the kids ate, I started washing dishes. Penny came in to thank me for cooking. She pretty much thanked me every Wednesday since I started coming. It made me uncomfortable at first, but I eventually just started telling her no problem. Like at the restaurant, I found it made uncomfortable social interactions more bearable if I came up with a standard response that I could use each time.

"Hey, we're having a Christmas party for the kids in all the programs if you want to come. Not this weekend, but the next," Penny said, catching me off guard.

"Um, I'll have to check my work schedule."

"That's cool. I'll write down all the info for you."

"Thanks."

I continued washing dishes as the teens brought them in. Penny gave me a piece of paper in the shape of a cat with all the Christmas party information as I was leaving.

"I hope you can come."

"I'll let you know. See you next Wednesday," I hollered over my shoulder on my way out. The party was on a Saturday so I knew I could go. Did I want to go was the question.

******

I aced my final exam that Friday, and was dialing Chris before I even made it out of the building.

"Is it Saturday yet?" I asked when Chris picked up.

"Final go well?"

"Hell yeah, and I'm ready to tear it up tomorrow. You down?"

"Girl, you even have to ask?"

God, I loved this girl. "I gotta close the kitchen tonight. I'll hit you up in the afternoon tomorrow when I get up and you can come over. Bring all your shit so we can celebrate. I'm ready to get seriously twisted tomorrow!"

"Aw shit. Elle's ready to par-tay. What's up with giant hottie?"

"Fuck." I was trying not to think about him all week. He hadn't texted me, but I hadn't texted him either. "Nothing. I'm gonna be on the prowl tomorrow. You gonna be my wing woman?"

"Again, do you even have to ask?"

"I love you, Chris."

"I know."

"Bitch!" No one bantered like Chris.

"Don't get your panties in a bunch. You know I fucking love you too, Elle."

"I know. Talk to you tomorrow."

I got in my car and headed to work while listening to Chris' parting words. "Bet."

******

It was Saturday afternoon and I was staring into my closet, waiting for Chris to arrive. She said she was going to be extra tall tonight, so I would as well. The temperature had dropped outside, so I was going back and forth between a burgundy cowl neck sweater and a silver tank top with my favorite fitted black blazer. The sweater could get hot. No, it would definitely get hot. But I'd have to carry the blazer if I took it off. I wasn't solving world peace, yet in that moment choosing my outfit for the evening seemed like the most difficult decision I could possibly have to make. I put it aside and decided it was a decision best made high.

"Yo bitch," Chris called as she came in the apartment. I had a blunt already rolled and lit as soon as she dumped her stuff on my bed. I puffed it a few times before passing it to her.

"This still that shit you got two weeks ago?" She seemed amazed. I hadn't been smoking as much lately and apparently it hadn't gone unnoticed.

"Yeah."

"Damn girl. I've been out that shit for days now. I had to hook up on some schwagg."

"You should have called," I told her, returning to my staring contest with the closet. I was waiting for the perfect outfit to jump out at me...any minute. I knew it would if I waited long enough and got high enough. Luckily, Chris chimed in or I might have stood there all night.

"Sweater will be too hot. You can wear your silver heels if you wear the tank and the blazer."

"But I'll have to carry the blazer."

"The silver shoes are open toed, so you'll stay cool and won't have to take it off necessarily."

"Good point. Blazer it is," I said, grabbing it out of the closet and hanging it on the handle of my dresser. "Do my makeup?"

Chris was a makeup artist at the MAC counter, so she was a pro when it came to makeup. I could do mine just fine, but she did smoky eyes better than I ever could. And it was definitely feeling like a smoky eyes kinda night. Since I went smoky, Chris decided to darken her eyes, which led to another blunt and cracking a bottle of wine. It was well past midnight when we finally left my apartment. We pulled up to Eight Oh Eight nice and fucked up.

As usual, we made our rounds through the club to see what we were working with as well as to be seen. It was packed as all the out of town college kids were home for the holidays. After two drinks and a shot each, Chris and I made our way back to the bathroom to smoke the joint I had in my purse. I only hit the joint twice when I realized I was fucked up enough to start running my mouth.

"I fucked J."

Chris choked on the joint. "What?!"

"I fucked J."

"I heard you the first time. When?"

"Last Sunday."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I freaked out and left his house before he woke up."

"Has he called you?" Chris asked, ashing the joint in the sink before passing it to me.

"He texted me the next day. I told him I'd call him after work."

"And?" Chris probed.

I winced. "I didn't call." I hit the joint, filling my lungs with its mind altering smoke.

"What the fuck? Was it shitty sex?"

"No," I sighed, exhaling the smoke and giving Chris the joint. I put the seat down, and popped a squat on the toilet, laying my head in my hands. I shook my head back and forth, trying to clear the haze enough to understand the words that came out of my mouth next. "I think it was the best sex I've ever had."

Chris choked on the joint again. "You say something to make me choke again and I'm gonna choke you!"

"He's here. I saw him going up the steps when we were walking back here. I don't think he saw me, though."

"Why didn't you tell me as soon as you saw him?" I shrugged. I guess I needed the drinks and joint to get my mouth going. "What are you gonna to do?" Chris asked, passing me the joint. I puffed it until it was almost gone. "You wanna eat it?" I offered it to her.

"Yeah." Chris popped the roach in her mouth, and shoved her head under the sink to swallow some water. We were nothing if not classy bitches. "So, what's the plan? What are you gonna do?" she inquired, fixing her lip gloss in the mirror.

"I was hoping this joint would help me figure that out. Let's hang back here before we go back in the main club. I need a shot and a cigarette."

A shot of Don Julio later, and I was still unsure what I was going to do about J. I was standing by the bar pretending to look at my phone while Chris chatted up some guy she met. I was deep in thought about my whole situation with J when I smelled it. Acqua di Gio and leather.

"Hey." Apparently I could stop thinking about what I was going to do. I looked up from my phone, forcing myself to look J in the eyes.

"Hey. What's up?" He looked at my pink toenails, and slowly made his way up to my eyes. My heart might have been beating out of my chest, but J looked calm as ever. He wore a slight grin. I wondered if he ever got nervous. He always seemed so in control, never in a rush. Cool as a cucumber, my dad would say.

By that point I had the blazer thrown over my shoulder and was in just the silver tank. He looked at me a minute before answering. I shivered, although I was far from cold. Fuck, I had forgotten how sexy he was, and how dark and deep his eyes were. I was mesmerized, enchanted by his smile, and captivated with his eyes. Awestruck at the sheer size of him. Why did I sneak out on him again? And why didn't I call him all week? In that moment I couldn't seem to remember.

"You didn't—"

I cut him off before he could finish by grabbing his shirt and pulling him down to me. He hesitated, hovering right above my lips. I could feel his breath on me. I was screaming KISS ME in my head as he paused above me. His onyx eyes pierced into mine, and I couldn't look away. A fire was starting inside me. I needed his kiss like I needed oxygen.

As if hearing my plea, he whispered against my lips, "Only if you are sitting at my table eating breakfast tomorrow morning."

I blinked a few times as his words registered.

I knew I should be freaking out, yet I wasn't. Was it the weed? Maybe. Could I blame it on the alcohol? Quite possibly. Could it be that he had caught me with my defenses lowered? More than likely. Were my panties freaking soaked, and my mind filled with nothing but lusty thoughts? Were my eyes undressing him piece by piece? Could I already taste his lips against mine, and feel his hair in my fists? Was I prepared for him to throw me on the bar right then and there and ram his hard cock inside me? Yes! Yes! And FUCK YES!

I held up a finger to tell him to hold on a second. I grabbed my phone out of my purse, stepped away, and called Aaron. I knew he wasn't working tonight and told me was hanging out at home. I suspected there was more to the story, but didn't ask. After one ring he picked up.

"Are you OK?"

I could hear voices in the background. Yep, not just one voice, but a couple. Hopefully he was sober enough to understand me.

"I'm fine. I, uh,"

Shit, I was frozen. This was it. If the words on the tip of my tongue came out, everything would change. My trajectory for the night would do a one-eighty and there would be no going back. I stalled. I felt the freak out coming on. I took a few deep breaths and counted as high as I could. At that particular moment, the highest I managed to count... was three.

"Elle, you're scaring me. Are you all right?"

One, inhale. Two, exhale. Three, inhale. Aw, fuck it. Exhale.

"I'm going home with giant hottie tonight and plan to come at least three times. Cover my shift tomorrow?" I said it all in a rush, trying to get the words out as quick as possible.

"Fuck, chica. I want you to get laid. I really do. But I don't want to cook fucking pancakes all morning."

I had an out. I could bail on this half-assed plan and stay on the initial trajectory of the night—go home alone. There were five Elle's in my head, yelling at me what to do. Go home with J. No don't. You know you want this. But you might get hurt. You'll survive. Will you? Take a chance. Just take a chance. Fuck it again. I braced myself for the words that came out next.

"Call Jesse. Tell him I got caught up in a fight at Eight Oh Eight and got knocked around. Not so bad that he freaks out and comes to check on me, but enough that I need the day off. He can figure the fucking pancakes out, and you know he'll do it if you tell him it's for me."

I didn't like playing the Jesse card, but I knew he would pick the shift up if Aaron told him it was for me.

"I gotcha girl. But you better dish tomorrow night. I got some, uh, friends to get back to. You owe me!"

"Yes, I owe you and yes, you better get back to your orgy," I laughed. I thanked him and hung up, cradling the phone to my chest for a moment. Do or die time, Elle I thought.

I turned back around after shoving my phone into my purse, and almost barreled into J's chest. He'd been right behind me for that whole phone call, hearing all I had said to Aaron. When I looked at his face, the crooked smile I loved so much told me he indeed had heard it all. He raised his eyebrows at me. Fuck, those eyebrows! I grabbed him by his leather vest and pulled him to me.

"I like sausage, not bacon," I told him, as I slammed my lips against his.

His hands were in my hair, messing it up. Making it wilder than it already was. He wasn't gentle nor tender. We were both possessed. Like we'd been wandering the desert the past week and had finally come upon water. I put my hands inside the back of his shirt and clawed at his back. I couldn't get enough.

"Ahem."

Chris. Shit. I forgot where I was. I was fully prepared to fuck on the bar!

I wiped the lip gloss off J's lips and presented him to Chris and whoever the guy hanging on her was. He was tall, not as tall as J, but taller than Chris and I by about an inch. And we had heels on. Not bad looking. Maybe half black, half white. Nice ass. I imagined putting a cup on it.

"Uh, Chris, J. J, Chris."

"Enchanté," Chris said, holding out her hand.

"Et toi aussi," J replied. I had no idea what was going on.

"This is," Chris said, looking at the guy beside her.

"Devon," nice ass guy said, reaching his hand out.

"This is Devon," Chris replied cordially, as if she hadn't just forgotten his name. A round of handshakes and nice to meet you's occurred.

"You guys want a round?" J asked.

"Of course!" Chris exclaimed.

J walked over to the bartender, and said something to him. He walked back and gave us a head tilt, indicating we should follow him. He took my hand and Chris followed with—crap, what was his name? Ah fuck it. He became Cup Booty I decided in lieu of asking his name—again. J led us through a door marked "private" and up a flight of stairs. We walked through a door at the top of the stairs into a large office. There was a couch and coffee table straight ahead as we walked in, a desk to the left, and a giant window filled most of the right wall.

"Holy shit. You can see everything from up here!" Chris exclaimed, putting both hands and her forehead against the glass.

I'd seen the window from below but never thought much of it. From below you can't see anything though it. I'd just discovered why.

"Do you know the owner or something?" I asked J.

"Or something," he replied, as someone came through the door with a tray full of alcohol. A lot of alcohol!

The guy with the tray sat it down and I marveled that it had everything Chris and I drank: a bottle of Captain Morgan, a jug of pineapple juice, Hpnotiq, Hennessey, Grey Goose Vodka, two six packs of Labatt's and a bowl of ice. J began serving up drinks.

"Captain and pineapple," J said, handing Chris her drink. "Beer or vodka, Elle?"

"Beer."

I was pretty fucked up, and suddenly felt the need to have my wits about me. He passed a Labatt's to me, one to Cup Booty, and opened one for himself.

"Shots?" J asked the group.

"Hell yeah!" Chris exclaimed.

Of course she would want shots. I shook my head and J made three.

"Come on, Elle. Everyone else is doing it," she said, mocking an after school special.

"Vodka, Elle?" J asked. "You know Chris, you can see all kinds of shit through the window. People get pretty crazy out there on the dance floor."

Chris got up, taking Cup Booty with her and shoved her face against the window again. J winked as he poured water into the fourth shot glass.

"Yo, I think those two are fuckin' on the dance floor!" Chris slurred.

She really didn't need a shot, but I couldn't help smiling at her as she turned around to find four shot glasses lined up.

"Right on, girl." She put her hand in the air and I gave her a high five.

"To new friends," J said, holding up his shot.

J winked at me as we all grabbed a shot and downed them. I smiled at J. He could have made fun of me, or tried to get me to drink past a limit I was comfortable with. Instead, he respected my boundaries and made sure I didn't look like a lightweight in front of Chris and Cup Booty. Niiiiiice. Ten points for J. Like he needed them. Kendrick Lamar's Don't Kill My Vibe started to play in the club and Chris was on the move.

"I love this song! Let's dance!" She grabbed Cup Booty's hand and danced them towards the door.

"Go on. Elle and I'll catch up in a minute. Dance by the DJ booth," J told them as Chris and Cup Booty exited through the door.

I ran towards the door and yelled to Chris, "Don't fall."

She was pretty fucked up. I closed the door and turned around to see J staring at me with a hungry look in his eyes. Looking in those dark pools, I felt devoured and he hadn't even moved. I set my beer on the coffee table, and took slow and purposeful steps toward J, prolonging the moment. Things began moving in slow motion. Or maybe my mind had just started moving in slow motion in efforts to savor the moment.

As soon as I was within reaching distance of J, his hands were in my hair, his lips on mine. He spun me around, and I felt us moving backward until my butt hit the desk. I reached around his neck, grabbing on to him for fear of falling. I was drunk on alcohol, but the sensation of his mouth traveling down my neck, kissing licking sucking biting, made my head spin. I moaned as he slipped the straps of my tank down, scraping his teeth across the place where my neck and shoulder met. I tilted my head as if by reflex, offering him greater access.

"Wrap your legs around me," J ordered, and I complied. Shoving papers to the floor, J laid me down on the desk and then leaned over me, his hands on either side of my head. "A dress would make this so much easier," I heard him murmur as he sucked my ear lobe into his mouth.

"I don't wear dresses," I panted, as his mouth dipped between my breasts. Pushing my shirt and bra aside, he sucked one of my nipples into this mouth while rolling the other between his fingers. "Oh God. Fuck," I moaned.

"J is fine." I heard him chuckle before biting down on my other nipple. The pleasure/pain sensation soaked my panties in an instant.

"I'll call you whatever you want if you don't stop."

J stood up and pulled my ass to the edge of the desk. He reached down and popped the button on my jeans, pulling them down around my ankles, along with my panties. I felt him kneel down while holding on to my legs. He gently bent my knees, and rested my calves on his shoulders. He dove into my pussy without warning, as if starved for it.

"Shit! Oh fuck, J. Oh God," I gasped, breathless, as he ran his tongue through my folds and over my clit.

I vaguely registered the song changing to Wale's Love Hate Thing. Our song. Shit, maybe this dude was God. He plunged his tongue into my pussy, pumping it in and out like a cock. I rolled my head back and forth as pleasure flooded though my entire body. He removed his tongue and I felt empty, but only for a moment as he quickly replaced it with one finger. He slid his finger out, running it though my cleft. He teased me, knowing I wanted more. After a moment of emptiness that felt like hours, he slid two fingers inside my dripping cunt and began stroking the inside of me in a place few had touched before.

"Fuck, you are God." Did I just say that? "Oh shit. Oh shit!" I hollered as he sucked my clit into his mouth and held it between his teeth.

I was about to cum all over his hand any second. His fingers pumped. His tongue licked. His mouth sucked. It only took a couple seconds before I was screaming his name.

"Fuck J! Oh Fuck. Oh my God, J!"

I closed my eyes and let the orgasm overtake me. I didn't see stars this time when I closed my eyes. I saw fireworks. The kind of fireworks the city puts on, not the ones the neighbors do in the back yard. These were industrial fireworks requiring a permit to detonate. J kept his mouth on me, drinking every drop I had to offer.

"Shit," I whispered as my body convulsed.

J continued attacking my clit, prolonging my orgasms to the point I thought I might split in two.

"No more. No more," I begged.

J stilled for one second, his fingers still in me. He kissed my abdomen.

"One more," he said with a smile I could feel against my skin.

He slipped one more finger inside me and I thought I could feel it on the inside of my belly. Flicking his tongue rapidly across my clit, I felt myself moving higher and higher until I burst, drenching his fingers. I was heaving when he finally removed his fingers and pulled out his black bandana to wipe them clean. He slowed his assault on my clit as I came down, and he put the bandana back in his pocket. It felt as if my bones had turned to Jell-O.

Stepping out from under my legs, J pulled my pants up.

"Put your arms around my neck."

I complied, unable to speak yet. He pulled my pants the rest of the way up and buttoned them closed. I blinked a few times, trying to clear my head. How the fuck did he do that? was all I could think.

"What the fuck?" I said on a rasp.

I smiled at J. He lowered his mouth to mine and sucked my bottom lip into his mouth. I opened for him sliding my tongue across his.

"No running tonight," he whispered.

I nodded. "Chris!" I suddenly remembered she was down there alone with Cup Booty.

"Rock's watching her."

J pulled me over the window and pointed to the DJ box. I scanned the crowd in our usual dancing place and saw Chris grinding up against Cup Booty.

J held a hand out to me. I looked at it for a second and then at his face, his eyes, contemplating. It seemed like such a defining moment. I wasn't sure why, but I knew that the moment I put my hand in his, things were going to change. How, I didn't know. It was one of those feelings you get in your gut. Ignore it and be lonely, or put my hand in his and take a risk? Was it worth it? Was love worth the risk?

With a deep breath and an Aaron-worthy mental pep talk, I put my hand in J's. He smiled big, lighting up his entire face. He, too, seemed to realize the implication of what just transpired.

He kissed my forehead and murmured, "Thank you."

I asked him for what, and he just winked at me, like he knew I had just taken a giant risk and was wading into foreign waters with him.

We walked toward the door hand in hand. I felt like I was in middle school, only I never held anyone's hand in middle school. I was already letting men stick their dick in me by that age. This seemed so innocent, like what I should have been doing in middle school. I thought of Genesis and how she beamed when she told me about Fernie holding her hand. It felt like J was giving me back part of my adolescence that I'd missed.

"Hop on my back."

I hopped on. No need to convince me to press my body up against his. We reached the bottom of the stairs and I pulled on a strand of J's hair.

"Were you afraid I'd fall?"

J smirked at me. "Never can be too careful."

I looked back up at the steep stairs. Yeah, it was highly probable I wouldn't have made it down those stairs. We headed toward the DJ box and J went to say something to Rock. I'd requested a million songs, but never knew his name. How did J know and not me?

I was deep in thought about J, Eight Oh Eight, and Checks, when Chris broke from Cup Booty and came over to me.

"You goin' home with him?"

I smiled and she knew my answer.

"You?" I asked and nodded to Cup Booty.

She grinned a devilish grin and that was all the answer I needed. I put my hand up for a high five and Chris smacked my hand as hard as she could. We burst into laughter, partly because we were both wasted, and partly because we were both about to get laid. A tear slipped out of my eye as I tried to reign in my laughter.

Luckily, J came and broke up our laugh fest and kept us from making fools of ourselves. Chris walked back to Cup Booty. No, Chris swaggered back to Cup Booty.

"Two songs?" J asked. "And then we go?" I nodded, as Miguel's Do You Like Drugs came on.

J pulled me against his chest and I put my arms around his neck. My heels made me tall enough that his hands were perfectly positioned to grip my ass and grind into me. From the way he rubbed the bulge in his pants against me, I could tell he planned to do me like drugs later on. Just as Maxwell and Alicia Keys' Fire We Make came on, J spun me around so my back was to his front. I turned my head and looked up at him, beaming.

I pulled him down so I could whisper in his ear. "I love this song."

"I imagined so."

"How do you do it?"

"Do what?" he asked, perplexed.

"Know what I want, whether it's songs or mind blowing orgasms?"

He just smiled and leaned down to plant a gentle kiss on my lips. "No starfish in the morning this time," he murmured in my ear, putting his hands on my hips to pull me back against his. "I want to fall asleep wrapped around your body, and wake up the same way." I grabbed his hands and wrapped them around me, silently telling him I wasn't going anywhere.

Our bodies were flush against one another, moving to the rhythm Maxwell and Alicia Keys provided us. I closed my eyes and for a moment it was just J and me on the dance floor moving to the beat. I got lost in my head a bit. He'd heard my starfish when I left that morning. He didn't blow my phone up all week. He didn't box me into a corner, which would have forced me to push him away. He gave me space. He played it perfectly, but I didn't think he was playing. This wasn't a game to him, which seemed unfathomable to me. To top it off, he just made me come on his fingers and his face less than half an hour ago. Dancing to one of my favorite songs with his heat pressed against me, I thought, yeah he must be some kind of God.

Chris and I parted ways at the door, whispering to each other to give play by play details the following day. I offered her use of my apartment as it was closer than hers. I didn't really want her driving across town. Chris knew how to handle her liquor, but still...

"Devon lives in those apartments two blocks down."

Devon Devon Devon. That was his name. Eh, I'd forget it by morning.

"Nice."

We hugged and went our separate ways for the first time. She'd dropped me off, and then met up with a guy after the club. She'd taken me home, and fucked a guy on my couch after the club. We'd never both left with guys after the club.

"I love you, bitch."

"I love you too, Chris."

I couldn't seem to stop the shit eating grin on my face as I followed J to his Suburban.

It seemed like we were only in the car for a few seconds when we pulled into his driveway. I knew it took longer than a few minutes to arrive at his drive way, but I was pretty drunk on vodka and J. Without speaking, J came around to my side of the car and lifted me out. He grabbed my hand and for the second time that night I felt giddy. He led me into the house and up the stairs into his bedroom. I plopped down on his giant bed and laid back. Oh no! The room began to spin. I sat up and heard J start the shower.

He came back into the room and started undressing in front of me. His strip show managed to keep the spins at bay. I couldn't help raking my eyes up and down his body. He had long toes, strong thighs, rock hard abs, broad shoulders. When my eyes finally reached his face, I saw his dark, hungry eyes staring back at me. He slipped off his boxers, and I saw his abs weren't the only rock hard part of him.

"Like what you see?" he asked, sporting a crooked grin.

I looked up from his erection to his eyes, and realized I too was grinning. Damn, caught staring! Instead of telling him, I decided to show him.

Getting off the bed, I kicked my heels off and suddenly he was four inches taller. I shed my jeans and my tank until I was just in my bra and panties. Kneeling before him, I looked up into his eyes. They were dark pools of blackness again. Running my tongue over the length of his cock and around the tip, I watched his lids close as a slow moan erupted from his mouth. He was too big to take all of him into my mouth, so I slid my hand up and down the base while taking as much of him into my mouth as I could. I started slowly, and sped up gradually. The faster I went, the more I was rewarded with his moaning and incoherent words.

He growled, and grabbed me under my arms, pulling me up, moving us towards the shower. I dropped my panties and bra on the way. He grabbed my ass and picked me up, slamming his mouth against mine as we hit the shower, hot water raining down on our already enflamed bodies. I clenched my legs around him and grabbed fists full of his gorgeous black hair in order to hold him close to me with as much skin to skin contact as possible.

"Fuck Elle, I want to feel you wrapped around me," he rasped as he plunged his erect cock into me.

"Oh God yes. Fuck yes!"

He pumped in and out of me, alternating between slow and fast, deep and shallow plunges. Sometimes practically pulling out until just the tip sat at my entrance before pushing back in and burying himself to the hilt. I savored the feeling of him inside me. He was stretching me to my limit, and it felt so good. Although I felt myself clenching around him, my orgasm building, I wished we could do this forever, until the end of time. I was wet and slick and his cock felt so fucking good moving in and out of me. It's like his cock was made for me, as I could feel it pounding my G-spot over and over and over. As my walls vice gripped around him, I felt like I was about to have an orgasm off penetration alone for the first time ever.

J pulled back and looked me in the eye while still sliding in and out of me. "I wanna feel you come around my cock and then I'll pull out. But I have to feel you come, Elle. You've denied me all week. Please," he begged.

That's all it took and I could no longer keep my eyes open. The fireworks erupted as did I. I'd barely come to my senses when I felt him pull out. I tightened my legs around him, and he pushed me harder into the wall as one of his hands let go of my ass. He shoved his free hand against the wall to steady himself. I wrapped my hand around his cock, helping him milk every ounce of cum he had onto my stomach.

"Aw fuck, Elle. My Elle. Fuck, you're really my Elle," he groaned, seeing his seed all over me.

Both panting, J reached over and turned the water to lukewarm. He slowly let go of my legs and leaned down to lay his forehead against mine. It felt like I was on fire and every place his skin touched mine was burning. J stepped back into the stream of water and I watched it run down the planes of his chest. He inched back, silently inviting me to join him under the water. As I moved forward, we both watched his cum slip down my body and into the drain.

"You're so beautiful."

I looked up from the drain to see J staring down at me, his eyes now soft and sated. I buried my face in his chest, still coming down from the intensity of what just happened. My eyes were closed when I felt hands massaging shampoo into my scalp.

"Mmmm that feels good."

J turned us around so I could lay my head back into the stream of water. He watched the suds slide down my body with a look of adoration in his eyes. I grabbed the soap and washed the makeup off my face. Standing there with no makeup, hair plastered to my head, J's eyes on me, I felt more naked than I ever had before. I walked over to J and put my hands around his neck, pulling him down for a kiss. I gently pressed my lips against his.

"You make me feel beautiful."

J stepped out of the shower first and handed me a towel. I dried my body and then wrapped my hair up in it.

"Are you OK?"

"Huh?" I asked, unsure what he is referring to.

"This is intense, what we have. You feel it don't you?"

"Yeah. I feel it," I replied, looking down at the black and gold tiles on the floor.

J placed a finger under my chin and lifted my eyes to his.

"I feel like you are a deer that's going to bolt any minute. I don't know what this is between us, but I want to find out. You're in my thoughts first thing in the morning, until I close my eyes at night. I'll give you space. I'll avoid the starfish. But please, don't bolt. Don't bail on me again."

There was pain in his eyes that made my heart stop. I was so caught up in my own head that I never thought what was going on in his all week. I assumed, like most guys, he forgot about me and moved on to the next open pair of legs. The realization that he didn't do that, he didn't call me but that he also didn't stop thinking about me, hit me like a freight train. This guy was different.

J handled himself in a manner that mystified me. He didn't call twenty times a day, but he also didn't fall into the bed of another woman. He thought about me? He thought about me. For a week? I was a deer! And he didn't make any sudden movements, knowing I would run. Damn, this dude was killing me with his awesomeness.

I looked up at him and smiled. "Sausage, not bacon. I don't like bacon. And waffles if you got 'em." Pulling him down to me I whispered, "I'm not going anywhere. Let's go to bed. You thoroughly wore me out."

"Mmmm. That was the plan," he replied, unable to hold back his grin.

We crawled into his giant bed. A shower was perfect after a sweaty night of dancing. Again, he knew exactly what I needed.

J lay on his side and pulled me to his chest. He wrapped his leg over my hip and I threaded mine through his creating a human pretzel with all four of our long legs. He rubbed random shapes on the naked flesh of my back.

"What you did on the desk and in the shower felt amazing. But this, this feels really good too." I burrowed deeper into his chest, averting my eyes from his. "It scares me."

"I know it does. I told you I would never hurt you and I meant it. I feel like I've waited my whole life for you, and I didn't even know I was waiting. Since I saw you in Checks that first night, you've had me. I'm yours. You can break me, Elle."

I let his words sink in. I could break this mammoth of a man? I'd spent hours in my head trying to figure out what the hell I was doing with J, and telling myself I was going to end up hurt and broken. I never even gave a minute of my thoughts to the possibility of breaking him. He seemed so... unbreakable.

"Good night, J," I said, leaning up and kissing his jaw. "I'll see you in the morning."

I could feel his smile against my forehead when he replied, "In the morning, Elle."

We both drifted off to sleep, limbs entwined and with silly grins on our faces.
Chapter 8

Waking up next to someone and being happy about it is surreal. Usually when I woke up next to someone, I instantly regretted it. This was different. I didn't feel used or dirty. I felt protected and valued. I pinched myself. Nope, not dreaming. Unless I just pinched myself in my dream. I pinched J.

"Ow! What the fuck?" J said, rubbing his eyes as he stirred in my arms. "Why did you pinch me? And what's up with the silly grin?" he asked, propping himself up on one elbow.

"Needed to make sure I wasn't dreaming." I'm pretty sure I said that with the silly grin still plastered across my face.

"Aren't you supposed to pinch yourself?" he said with a yawn. Stretching his arms out, the sheet slipped down and J gave me a great visual of the upper half of his body. Mmmm Mmmm. I'd never get tired of seeing that.

"I tried that. But what if I was dreaming I was pinching myself?"

"What if you are dreaming you pinched me and you're still dreaming?"

"Then I don't want to wake up." I leaned in for a kiss, a kiss I got, but much more than a kiss. J had me pinned underneath him before I could blink. I squealed. I squealed? I don't squeal. Kitchen Elle sure as hell doesn't squeal. Clubbin' Elle doesn't squeal. The Real Elle snorts. Which Elle is this?

"I'll show you it's not a dream," J said, reaching between my legs.

An hour later I was convinced it wasn't a dream and squealed again that I was living one of my fantasies. Who gets that? I sure as hell didn't. Yet here I was, in this bed, with this man, scared shitless, but taking the risk. I could have thought about it all morning but after another round with J, his body wrapped around mine, sleep was just too tempting.

******

When I woke up again, I heard the shower shutting off. I stretched for a second and took in my surroundings. I hadn't really gotten a good look at J's bedroom the previous nights I'd slept there. I'd been rather, well, occupied. It was sparse, as was much of J's house. There was a dresser with change and cologne on it. Acqua di Gio. I was right. The night stand looked like a tree stump. It held an alarm clock and a picture of a little J with, who I assumed, was his Gramps. They were standing next to a vintage muscle car with the hood up. J had a streak of dirt across his cheek and a smile across his face.

My analysis was cut short a moment later when J walked into the bedroom, towel wrapped around his hips and water dripping from his dark locks down his chest. I watched one droplet make its way down his neck, this chest, his abs, and into the towel.

"Stop doing that," I told him.

"Doing what?"

"Making my fantasies real."

"Sweetheart, we can make any fantasy you want real," he said with a crooked grin. "Do you wanna shower? I'm taking you out for breakfast."

"I thought I was going to be sitting at your table while you made me breakfast?"

"I said you would be sitting at my table. The table I always sit at in my favorite diner."

I stretched my limbs languidly, like a cat after a long nap. I was sore from last night and this morning, but it was a good sore. One that reminded me what J could do to my body.

"Would it be cool if we ran to my place so I could change?"

"Oh, I get to see where you live?" he asked, raising one eyebrow.

"Yes. And that is a bigger deal than you know. Larry, Chris and Aaron are the only people who come over, and even that's rare," I said, getting up and slipping into my jeans and tank.

I cuffed the legs of my jeans that were now 4 inches too long in bare feet. Once J was dressed and I had my purse, we headed out the door. I had a moment of panic when I didn't see the Monte Carlo.

"You rode with me. Remember?"

I looked up at J. "Was it that obvious?"

"That you were slipping into panic mode?"

I shoved his back as I followed him to the Suburban.

"I wasn't in panic mode. I was just, surprised."

"Whatever, my little fawn. Up you go."

J opened the passenger door and lifted me into the seat. I directed him where to go to get to my house. I was still a little sleepy and could've really used a cup of coffee, or five.

I was deep in daydreams when J asked, "Why don't you have people to your house?"

I looked at him, jostled back to reality. "Cuz, it's my space."

"And you don't want anyone in your space?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I guess not."

"You know sometimes I hate those shoulder shrugs because I know there is always more to it when you shrug. Care to elaborate?"

Well fuck, he'd caught on to the shoulder shrug move.

"It's my place where I'm safe and in control. I'm in charge of what happens when I'm in my apartment. God, this is going to sound stupid," I mumbled, removing my glasses to rub my sleepy eyes. It was a little early for this conversation.

J reached over and grabbed my hand. "Nothing you say is stupid."

I took a deep breath before I explained. "Well, there is energy in my apartment. It's my safe haven from the negative energy in the world. I've created a space with only positive energy and I don't want anyone coming over and... fuckin' it up, you know."

J chuckled. Fucker's laughing at me? I punched him in the arm.

"I'm not laughing at you, baby. I'm laughing cuz that could have easily come out of my mouth. I told you my grandpa was full Lakota? He told me his spirit animal was an eagle and whenever I saw one, it was him looking down on me from the other side."

Wow. Didn't expect that to come out of his mouth.

"Are you a bear?"

J swerved in the lane a bit, obviously thrown off by my question.

"What? Why would you say that?"

"The coffee table. The eagle perched on the bear. Your shoulder tattoo."

"Yeah. I got the eagle tat when he passed. We made that table together. He taught me how to build stuff out of wood, leather, mechanical stuff. He showed me how to use my hands to create, to fix—"

"Did he show you how to use your hands to make a girl lose her senses?" I interjected.

"No, I learned that one all on my own."

"So you build shit and fix shit?" I asked, realizing I really don't know much about him.

"Yeah, I guess."

I wanted to ask him to elaborate but we reached my apartment. I led him inside, and tossed my shoes and blazer on the couch. Fishing my phone out of my purse, I called Aaron.

"Tell me you got fucked last night cuz Larry is being a little bitch." Good morning to you too Aaron.

"Twice. Well three times sorta."

"Sorta. I have five minutes before Larry pops off again. Dish," Aaron commanded.

"Can't. Hafta wait til later."

"Ohhh, you're still with him."

"Uh huh." I looked up at J and smiled.

"Fine. Call me as soon as you're free."

"I will. Thanks, Aaron. I owe you."

"Of course you do, chica. And trust me, I will cash in."

"I know you will. Bye, Aaron," I sing songed and hung up.

"Everything cool?" J asked.

"Yeah. It'll be fine. They can live a day without me."

"I like this one," J said pointing to a scrap of paper taped to the wall.

I prayed he was serious and wasn't about to run from my apartment screaming about the crazy lady with scraps of paper hanging all over her walls. I walked over to him, well aware of which one he was pointing to. I'd read each of them too many times to count. Each one meant something different. It wasn't just the quote that had meaning, it was also the reason I hung it up. Each scrap of paper was put there for a reason. Each quote had a story that went along with it. Most of those stories weren't fairytales. They involved my nightmares, the ones I had at night as well as during waking hours.

Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you chose to do with them is up to you. –Richard Bach.

"You have them all over," he said gesturing to the living room that opened into the kitchen. He was right, they were all over.

"I need them to remind me."

"Remind you of what?" J continued to wander from quote to quote.

"Maybe later, but for now, starfish."

"But later?" J turned and asked with hope in his eyes.

"Later," I said walking into my room to change clothes.

I moaned as I slipped my sneakers on. I loved my heels, but they were evil bitches that demanded payment in the form of sore feet. I washed my face, struggling to get the last traces of eye liner off. My hair was a bit of a mess from showering and sleeping on it so I shoved it under the sink to wet it down. I came back into the living room with two braids falling on either side of my neck and a brown Kangol hat.

"Nice hat."

"I was going to wear my black baseball cap but I didn't want us to be that couple." I smiled and pointed at the black cap J was wearing. The same one he had on the first night I saw him at Checks.

"So we're a couple?" J's smile was mischievous, as if he knew I was two seconds away from calling starfish. "Ready to go?" he asked, changing the subject. Crisis averted, but I knew he caught my slip up and would bring it up again. I grabbed my coat and we headed out, my apartment's energy intact.

******

We arrived at a little diner I passed by, but never had been inside of before. J apparently had since as soon as we sat down in what I realized was his booth, coffee, cream, and sugar appeared along with a middle aged waitress. "Who's your friend?"

"Rita this is Elle. Elle, Rita." I reached my hand to tell her "pleased to meet you." She just winked at me. OK. No handshakes from Rita. I took mental note.

"You guys need a minute?" Rita asked looking at me.

"Can I get an omelet with mushrooms, cheese, and tomatoes? And some more cream and sugar? I'm going to use a lot of it."

"Um hum. Hash browns or toast?"

"Hash browns."

"Want cheese on them?"

"Uh, sure." Why not?

"Anything else?"

"Couple glasses of water?" J requested.

"Aspirin?" Rita asked without looking up from her pad of paper.

"Yeah," J responded.

Rita walked away without taking J's order. "You aren't eating?"

"Rita knows what I like." I was struggling to decide if the eyebrow raise or the half smile/smirky thing he did was sexier when Rita returned with coffee refills, cream, and sugar. I thanked her as I had downed my first cup already and was pouring cream into my next cup before she could even get J's refilled. She handed J a handful of what I assumed were aspirin. He reached out and passed them to me. I glared at the four pills in my hand as if they were bombs about to detonate. I looked up to him skeptically. "I thought you might be struggling after last night. You had quite a few drinks. It's just aspirin. Promise." J made an X over his heart as he said the last words.

I was mos def, struggling so I downed the pills with some water. "How do you know how much I had to drink?" I asked, sounding like a snotty teenager.

"The window." Did he stand up there and stare out of that window at me all night? Creeeeeepy

"You were watching me? That's kinda creepy you know," I said, giving him my own crooked smile.

"I wasn't up there to watch you, but it was an added bonus."

"What were you up there doing?"

"Starfish," he replied flatly. Well fuck. I couldn't exactly push him seeing as I was the one who'd made the starfish rule in the first place.

I reached out and grabbed J's hand. "Thanks for the aspirin. I did need them." He just smiled back.

Our food arrived. I dropped J's hand and dove into my meal, realizing I was starving as soon as the plate hit the table. My omelet was amazing, and J shared his equally amazing waffles with me.

"Fuck! I wish I would've come here sooner. This shit's like an orgasm in my mouth," I said with my mouth full of food. I know, classy huh? But the food was really that good.

"Well that must mean it's good cause when you orgasmed in my mouth it was pretty spectacular," he teased.

J was grinning, and I honestly had no come back for that so I just shook my head, smiled, and kept shoveling food in my mouth.

J dropped me off after breakfast, saying he had some business to attend to. I called Aaron and Chris on three way and dished. There was a lot of clapping, screaming, and hooting. Mainly because I rarely have anything to dish. I was usually the dishee not the disher. I thanked Aaron a few more times for handling my Sunday shift, but after hearing a play by play of my Saturday night he shooed me off saying not to mention it. I felt so lucky to have these two amazing people in my life. I'd had my fair share of shitty friends. People who would screw you over in a heartbeat. Maybe it was my turn to have more good than bad in my life. At the moment, there really wasn't any bad at all.

I had two great friends, a kitchen full of guys who had my back, a hot ass boyfriend who knew what he was doing between my legs. Throw in a steady job, classes I liked this semester, and teens who brought me laughs every Wednesday and I would've said I was in about the best place I'd ever been in my life.

I showered, had on my favorite sweats and was curled up with my kindle and Deuce when I got a text from J.

J: Hey baby

I squealed. Yes, I squealed again. J was turning me into a damn squealer. Apparently we were on the pet name basis and I couldn't lie, I secretly loved it.

ME: sup dear

J: what r u doing

ME: reading. u?

J: thinking about u

I was unsure how to respond. Usually I would be annoyed with that text because I wouldn't want the sender to be thinking of me. With J, it was the opposite. It didn't feel like he was pressuring me or caging me in and I didn't know quite how to handle those feelings. They were foreign to me.

J: r u ok? freaking out?

ME: no! not sure how to respond. never had someone say that and be happy about it. i should b freaking out n i'm not.

J: well don't freak out on this one

ME: k...

J: i have to leave tomorrow night. won't b back til after xmas next week. pack a bag n come stay the nite w me again?

J: NOW r u freaking out?

ME: text me ur address. can't remember how to get there :)

I didn't squeal out loud, but I was doing all kinds of squealing inside as I packed a bag. Since I had to work in the morning and J's place was closer to the restaurant, I would get a few extra minutes of sleep in the morning. Or a few extra minutes of something else! I didn't need to look good to cook, so packing only took me a few minutes. Work clothes and shoes, toothbrush, hair tie, socks and undies. That was about it. I was pretty sure there was no need to pack pajamas. I did a mental fist pump.

I pulled up behind J's Suburban and did a ten second mental check. Bag, purse, sanity. Check. Check. Check. J had the door open before I could knock, and my clothes on the floor before I said hello.

"What was that all about?" I was out of breath, and draped across J's body in bed.

"You've got my head all a mess," he responded.

"A mess?"

He didn't answer right away. Instead he grazed his fingers slow and soft up and down my spine for a beat or two. I was just about to give up on him answering when his fingers stopped and he spoke up. "You're all I can think about. All day. I could smell you on my clothes. I found stray hairs of yours in my truck. You've invaded every space in my head. Your presence in this relationship scares you. But it's the thought of your absence that scares me."

Wow. I tilted my head up and rested my chin on his chest. "I referred to you as my boyfriend in my head today. I've never done that. I've never been in a relationship. In fact, I have successfully avoided words like boyfriend and relationship all together for twenty-two, soon to be twenty-three years now." I paused, letting that sink in before I bared it all to him. "I'm in just as deep as you."

"I won't break you, baby." He smiled down at me.

I swatted his chest and laughed. "You better not."

He grabbed my hand mid swat. "So you thought about me today."

"Yeah. Even Deuce couldn't get my mind off you."

J abruptly turned on his side and grabbed my hand. "Who is Deuce?" He looked like he was ready to murder someone.

"Dude. He's a book character. I was reading a motorcycle club romance when you texted and he's the president. Chill," I told him, pulling his hand to cup my face and kissing the palm.

"Oh. You like MCs?"

"I like to read about them." I thought he would laugh about the fact that he was jealous of a book character, but he still seemed tense. I pulled myself against his chest and wrapped my legs around him. "Your heart is pounding."

"You do that to me," he said, looking down at me with a serious face. We were all smiles just a minute ago. What happened to that? I wanted smiley time back.

"What does J stand for? And what is your last name? I feel a little slutty shacking up with someone I only know as a letter." I'd been thinking about these questions and many others all day.

"No laughing?"

"Of course not."

"My mother was Puerto Rican, and I told you my grandpa was full Lakota. So was my dad. Gramps never really liked my mom, or so the story goes. He insisted I be named my spirit animal's name. My mom wasn't havin' it. They compromised. My name is Bear Jesus Odell."

"So you really are God, huh?" I leaned forward and touched my lips to his smiling ones.

"Yeah, I guess so," he replied with a wink. "Once my mom left, my dad was in bad shape. He drank a lot and would be gone for days or weeks at a time. Gramps always called me Bear. So did my dad when he was around. In school I tried to get the teachers to use my middle name, but they kept pronouncing it the English way instead of the Spanish way. Somehow I just landed on J."

I hugged him tighter. It meant a lot that he was willing to share this information with me. I never got to this point with a guy where we talked about our pasts. I guess I never wanted to talk about mine and I wasn't really interested in any guy's.

"So your grandpa raised you?" I asked.

"Sorta. He did until I was sixteen. I had a lot of anger in me. My mom had abandoned us before I even had time to make memories with her. And my dad was always off on benders. I loved Gramps, but at sixteen I didn't want to hear any more about bears being a symbol of wisdom, protection, and finding one's true nature. I didn't get what he was telling me and I was tired of trying. I ran off to St. Louis. I didn't come back here until Gramps was dying."

I was silent. "You still awake down there?" J asked, lifting my chin up with his finger.

"Yeah. I'm just thinking."

"Care to share?"

"Bear. I like that. I was named after Eleanor Roosevelt. Not as cool as Bear," I told him, totally deflecting from what was really in my head: for the first time, I was laying with a man that I wanted to know everything about and I wanted him to know everything about me. And I was terrified.

"I have something for you."

"You do?" I asked, sitting up.

"Yeah, since I'll be gone for Christmas."

"J, you shouldn't have. I didn't get you anything. Well, not really."

"I didn't get it. I made it." I sat on pins and needles as J leaned over and grabbed something from his night stand. A place only condoms had come out of.

"Close your eyes."

"OK, but you do anything weird and I'm outta here." I said it jokingly, but I was totally serious. He was really stretching my comfort zone and making me feel vulnerable with my eyes closed, but I trusted him... right?

I felt him tie something on my wrist.

"You can open them." I opened my eyes and blinked a few times before I looked down at my wrist. It was covered in a leather bracelet. It was thick in the middle, and tapered off to thin strings on each side that were skillfully braided together. There was a metal clasp at one end that could be looped though any part of the braided leather on the other side. It was beautiful, and I was speechless, but it wasn't really the bracelet itself that had me speechless. It was what was burned into the thick piece of leather that had my mouth hanging open.

L & J

"I don't know what to say," I murmured

"Fuck. Is it too much? Please don't freak out. I don't want you to—" I cut him off, crashing my lips on to his.

"So you like it?" he asked, a confused lilt in his voice.

"I love it, and it terrifies me, and it takes my breath away, all at the same time. Thank you." I felt the liquid pooling in my eyes. "This is the most meaningful thing anyone has ever done for me," I whispered, barely keeping the tears at bay.

"Hey. No tears and no fears."

"You're a poet and you didn't know it," I joked, wiping the rogue teardrop falling down my cheek. "I brought something to show you. Not really a gift. And it sorta seems lame now." I rolled away from J and reached into my purse that was next to the bed. I handed J a piece of paper. "It's from a couple months ago, and there hasn't been anyone but you since then."

J stared at my test results for a moment. Fuck, did he think I was crazy? He reached into his night stand drawer again. Was he getting condoms because he didn't believe I was STD free?

"I picked up a copy of this today. It's from a couple months ago, but same thing. No one but you since then." I stared at the piece of paper in my hands.

"Is this weird?" I'd never exchanged STD test results, and wasn't sure what the appropriate response was. "It feels weird."

J pulled me into his arms. "Merry Christmas, baby," he purred against my lips.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, and pushed my body against his so as much skin as possible was touching. "Merry Christmas." And it was a Merry Christmas, as J proceeded to celebrate, sans-condom style.
Chapter 9

It sucked having J, gone but he texted every couple days. I didn't ask where he was or what he was doing. We shared so much the night before he left that I was pretty full of information for now. I could only handle it in pieces, because I could only give it back in pieces. I had told him that night about my mom, and being less than thrilled to spend Christmas with her and my dad. Although our relationship was better than when I left their house, it still wasn't exactly painless. My sister wasn't coming home this year. I didn't blame her. I wouldn't come home if I lived a plane flight away and could get away with it.

I'd go to my parent's house on Christmas Day, we'd exchange gifts, and have a meal. It was four hours I could manage with the help of dad's "special" eggnog. I'm not sure what kind of alcohol was in it, but he started making it a couple years ago and it was the best Christmas gift he ever gave me.

I went to the center again on Wednesday. Penny mentioned the Christmas Party that was on Saturday again. "It'll be fun. You'll get to meet the some of the teens' parents." That really eased my nerves. Parents!

In the end it was Genesis who convinced me to go. "Please, Elle. It's the first time Fernie is meeting my parents. If you sit with us it won't be so bad cuz they will be interested in the guerrita at the table and not Fernie."

"So you're using the white girl as a diversionary tactic?" I smiled at Genesis. Again, I could be offended, but I found her plan humorous and agreed to go. "Just promise to translate anything I can't understand and try to avoid your parents asking me lots of questions."

The party was at a hall downtown that the center had rented. There was a dinner and a dance. I had no idea what to expect. Not knowing what to wear, I went with black pants and a sweater. It seemed... proper? Why did I need to look proper? I was so in over my head here. Luckily, Genesis was waiting at the door for me. She texted me three times while I was on my way telling me to hurry up.

"Come one," she said, ushering me inside. "Fernie just got here and my parents are already asking him a million questions." She was pulling me by the arm through the lobby and into the main hall.

"Great. So now they can ask me questions?"

"It'll be fine. Just smile and nod."

"Thanks, Genesis. Great advice." It actually turned out to be great advice. I understood a little of what her parents said. They talked really slow for me which was nice because I could understand them better, and embarrassing because I felt like I was five years old. I got to practice my Spanish answering their questions about how long I had been working at the center and my studies at the university. It got a little weird though when they asked Fernie what he wanted to study in college. I had a feeling Fernie wasn't really planning his future past tomorrow.

"Didn't you say you were good with computers?" I asked, saving him. "There are lots of jobs out there for people with IT degrees." Genesis translated for her parents and they seemed pleased.

"Thank you," Genesis mouthed to me. I tapped my right fist over my heart twice and held it there with two fingers out. Genesis laughed, and Fernie put his fist out for me to bump. I don't think Genesis's parents noticed our nonverbal exchange, and if they did, I doubt they got it. It didn't matter though. Genesis knew I had her back, and Fernie was grateful.

After dinner, the music began and people started dancing. This was definitely not the bumpin' n grindin' type of dancing I did at Eight Oh Eight. I went to tell Penny good bye and get out before I embarrassed myself.

"I'm so glad you could come. Sure you can't stay and dance?" she asked.

"Um, maybe another time, after you give me some lessons." She smiled, and told me she would make sure I could Cumbia by next year's Christmas party. As I walked through the lobby, I exhaled a sigh of relief. Although the evening wasn't exactly in my comfort zone, it felt good to do something out of the box. I'd had fun with Genesis, and I'm pretty sure her parents were entertained with my broken Spanish. Most of the teens were surprised to see me and had come over at some point in the night to say hello. As odd as it may have seemed, there was something cool about being the only white person in the room. Was it awkward at times? Yes. But was it also fascinating? Absolutely. It sure as hell was nothing like any party I'd been to, family or on the streets. I could honestly say I was never bored. Still, I was ready to sink back into my safe place.

I parked in the back of the lot by an alley that ran between the hall and a building next to it. I did this strategically so I could smoke a cigarette without anyone seeing me. I rolled the window down and let the Monte warm up a bit. I took in my surroundings. It was natural for me to scan the scene around me, making sure everything was cool. Years on the street had made it second nature to me. I heard something in the alley and saw three guys walking out of it. I ducked down in the Monte instinctively. The three guys stopped at the edge of the alley. Two of them did one of those handshakes only guys seem to know, and one walked back towards the doors of the hall while the other two went the opposite direction. I sat up a little bit to see who was going inside.

Fuck. It was Fernie.

******

Chris and I had agreed to forgo Eight Oh Eight that night and spend the evening with Aaron at Dynasty, his favorite gay bar. Christmas was Monday and none of us were really looking forward to it. I was working Sunday brunch the next morning and I knew it would be killer since it was Christmas Eve, so I told Chris I would drive myself and meet up with them when I got done with the center Christmas party.

Driving to the bar I looked at the joint I had rolled, planning to smoke it on the way to Dynasty. I couldn't get Fernie out of my head. I didn't know what he was doing in that alley, but I knew it was not on the up and up. Very likely drugs were involved. I never felt bad about smoking weed. I had tried coke and acid once each when I was a teen and didn't like it. I had eaten magic mushrooms a few times, but kinda freaked out the last time, so I hadn't done them in three years. I viewed marijuana like alcohol. It was OK in moderation and if you were responsible about it. How would I rationalize to Fernie that it was OK for me to smoke marijuana, periodically sell marijuana when the budget dictated, and consort with all sorts of people engaged in a variety of illegal activities in efforts to get my marijuana? How could I do that and then tell him not to? Because I was an adult? I wasn't when I started getting high. Because I was responsible? Same answer. I wasn't responsible when I was thirteen and smoking weed. I had gotten my shit together because I refused to end up back at my parents' house. I refused to let my mother see me fail. After some of the shit I lived through, it also just made me wise up. But there was no way to know what Fernie was into and if he was responsible about it. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but the pessimist in me kept rearing her ugly head.

I pulled up to the bar and saw Chris' car. I left the joint and went inside. A stiff drink was in order and I needed to do it now so I wasn't driving home hammered in two hours. That was my curfew I'd decided. I didn't have it in me to deal with Sunday brunch on Christmas Eve with grumpy cooks (as they inevitably would be) while nursing a hangover. The guys would more than likely not have the foresight to plan like me. Undoubtedly, they would be getting drunk that evening thus coming to work the next morning all shades of grouchy. Then it would be up to me to keep the kitchen going and food moving despite their crankiness. Yeah, I needed to be 100% for the next day.

"Over here!" Chris yelled to me from a spot at the bar. I moved through the masses to get to her. It was packed! She pulled her coat and purse off the chair next to her. "Finally. I've been fighting Queens off this chair all night!"

"Where is Aaron?" Chris gave me the look. The you know right where he is look. "How long has he been in there?"

"Ten minutes. Give him ten more before we blow up his phone." Aaron was in the bathroom, definitely having sex and potentially snorting a line of coke as well. "How was the party?"

I shrugged. "It was OK."

"Just OK?"

"Yeah. I'm not really in the mood to dissect it," I told her. I really wasn't. I was tired, not looking forward to Sunday brunch that just happened to fall on the 24th of December, and I certainly wasn't looking forward to Christmas with my mother. "What's up with Cup Booty?" I asked her.

"Devon? I actually hung out with him Wednesday. He's cool. His mom is black and his dad is white but his dad isn't around. He's twenty-five and a plumber."

"He lay the pipe again?" We both laughed at my lame yet hysterical sexual pun.

"Hell yeah! Twice. And it's good," Chris said all smiles. "What's up with J?"

"It's all good I guess. He gave me this." I shrugged and thrust my wrist forward.

Chris grabbed my hand and gasped. "This is so not shrugging material, Eleanor. What the fuck? Why are you acting like this is no big deal. He made you a bracelet with your guys' names, which both are letters, on it. Dude, you know this is a big fucking deal!"

I pulled my hand back. "And this is why I didn't want to tell you." I could tell Chris was hurt. "It's not like that Chris. I know it's a big deal, and it scares the fuck out of me how I feel about him, so I can't get all riled up or I might explode. I'm just taking it one day at a time." Chris seemed to simmer down after my explanation.

"What does J stand for?" I retold the story J had told me in bed about how he got his name and that the J came from his middle name, Jesus. I also told her he was indeed a savior as he had saved me from a sexual drought the size of the Sahara. "That's so cool. He's all mystical 'n shit like you." I rolled my eyes at her. "What does he do?"

I shrugged my shoulders again. "I honestly don't know. I'm pretty sure his shit ain't all on the up and up, and at this point, I don't want to know. I've asked, sorta nonchalant style, but he always starfishes me."

"Starfish?" I explained starfish to Chris." So you came up with it, but he uses it too? Don't you want to know what he is doing in St. Louis and what he does all day here?"

"Yeah, but if I push, then I can't use starfish, and I'm not ready to lay it all out there. So I kinda gotta just roll with it for now."

"He rides a motorcycle you said?" I nodded.

"A Suburban when it's cold like now."

"And you said he had a leather vest on when you first saw him?"

I nodded again. "Yeah, but not all the time." Chris raised her eyebrows at me, watching the realization cross my face.

"Fuck Elle, you are the queen of smutty motorcycle club romance books. I can't believe you didn't put it together."

"It doesn't fit the book shit though. He doesn't wear his cut all the time, and I haven't seen or heard anything about a clubhouse. I haven't even met any of his friends, except maybe Rock, the DJ at Eight Oh Eight."

"Maybe it has something to do with St. Louis. It's only a couple hours from here. And it explains why he's at Eight Oh Eight." I looked at her, confused. "You know, like maybe the boss man owes the club money and J was sent to beat it out of him. Or maybe he supplies the boss man something. Or maybe he is the boss man."

"Wait wait wait. I can't handle all this. This is exactly why I'm not asking too many questions. One of my Mom's few pearls of wisdom was..."

Chris cut me off and finished, as she was well acquainted with all my mom's sayings, "...before you ask a question, make sure you are ready for all possible answers. I know."

I looked at my watch. "Text Aaron that if he doesn't get out here soon I'm leaving. I only came out the night before Sunday brunch, that falls on Christmas Eve no less, to spend time with you guys. And I have your gifts."

"Gifts? Hell yeah!" Chris yelled, pulling her phone out and speed texted Aaron. That girl could text like her life depended on it.

CHRIS: get out here for gifts or L is leaving and i'm taking ur gift bitch!!

AARON: who's the diva? i'll b out in a min

CHRIS: chop chop bitch

AARON: stop texting so i can finish this line...bitch

CHRIS: GRRR

A few minutes later Aaron came strolling over to us. "You always have to have the last word, even if it's a text dontchya?" Aaron said to Chris.

"Pretty much."

I gave Aaron and Chris each an envelope containing a free massage at their favorite place. "Let me know when you go, so we can all go together." Chris bumped my fist. Aaron squealed. Although not normally a squealer, lines of cocaine and Aaron a squealer doth make. Taking advantage of his fucked up state, I asked my two besties, "Can you guys help me with something after the new year?"

"You give us gifts and now you are going to ask us for shit?" Chris dead panned, never one to mince words.

"Yep."

"And do I already know what it is?"

"Yep."

"Same compensation?"

"Yep."

"Aaron too this time? You got that much?"

"No. Just think of it as part two of your gift. You only have to do half the work this year." She rolled her eyes at me, not believing what I was selling. I knew she would do it though.

Stomping his feet, Aaron hollered, "What the fuck bitches? What are we doing?"

"Did you just stomp your feet?" Chris asked incredulously. "Who's the diva now, biotch?"

I intercepted the two of them before they could go any farther. "Every year, after the New Year, I buy quantity of schwagg, and Chris helps me break it up and bag it up. I give her some nuggs for the help. I thought we could all do it together this year. You know, make a night of it. I'll make eggnog and we can sing carols." I looked Aaron in the eye while I said this, wearing the straightest face I could muster up.

"While we bag up weed?" Aaron asked, the most adorably confused look on his face. Chris burst into laughter, and I too couldn't seem to hold it in any longer. Finally catching on to what was happening, Aaron nodded his head and gave us one more foot stomp with a smile. "Whatever, I'm in. But why are we doing this?"

"Textbooks," I replied.

"Textbooks? Like for school?" Aaron asked with the what the fuck look.

"They're expensive man. One book can be like, $300. Gotta pay somehow."

"So you are bankrolling your education with drug money."

"Dude, this is so not a TV show. Stop flipping out like we're on a lifetime movie. Yes, I use the money for books. I pay for my classes with my paychecks, but I usually don't have enough for books. We'll do it again in the summer before the fall semester. Cool?"

"Manual labor, but free nuggs and Christmas carols? I'm in. But you know it's just to spend time with you two." Aaron batted his lashes at us.

"Aw, and his heart grew ten sizes," Chris threw out, a patronizing grin on her face.

"Fuck you both. And let's go dance."

"I'm out. I had my two drinks. Gotta do brunch tomorrow and I need my beauty sleep," I told them both standing up from the barstool. After going back and forth with them about me leaving early, a few hugs and sloppy kisses later I finally made it out of there.

******

On Christmas Eve, the restaurant was only open until six in the evening. The same four cooks would work all day, open to close. It was a long day, and add to it that it fell on Sunday brunch just made it all the more brutal. I got in first, as was usual on busy days. Kevin was the day manager and Aaron would come in later. Kevin seemed like he was in a decent mood when he let me in the back door. We'd see how long that lasted.

I had a morning routine when I came into the restaurant, especially on days I knew were going to be busy. I liked to arrive a little early, sit at the bar and read the comics, sip a cup of coffee, and enjoy a cigarette. I had been sitting there mentally preparing myself for the day and laughing at Fox Trot when Larry came strolling out of the kitchen into the dining room. He plopped down at the bar next to me, and I passed him the cup of coffee I had waiting for him.

"Fuckin' Christmas Eve and Sunday brunch. What the fuck? You got any aspirin?"

"Well good morning to you too, sunshine," I mocked. Yep, he'd gotten drunk last night. His blue eyes were rimmed in red like he'd barely slept. He had sandy brown hair that usually looked wild, but in a devil-may-care sort of way, which worked for him. Today it was not working quite so much. We were in for a fun filled day. At least it was Larry who'd be on the grill, the one I'd be asking for stuff all day, the one I was closest to and knew how to handle best.

He sneered back at me and asked, "You want to puff a bowl before we start prep?"

"Nah, I'm good. Plus I don't trust Kevin." Larry looked at me all pouty face. I gave him my car keys. "Don't scratch the Monte, don't burn holes in her, and make sure to put the pipe back in the center console when you're done. You miss any of those steps and I'll make you work with Ryan next weekend."

"Hey, don't sweat it. You know I got this," Larry said, like he'd never burned a hole in the Monte's fabric (he had) or forgotten to put the pipe in the console (did that too).

"Larry, I am so fucking serious. Do not fuck her up."

"Serious. I will treat her like a queen."

"You better," I mumbled as he walked away. Jesse came in next. He would be on the fryers.

"Smoke?" he asked, plopping down next to me. I pulled out a cigarette, lit it, and passed him the lighter. "Who is with us today?"

"Larry is on the grill and José will be in at 10am when we open as floater." The floater did just that, floated around all the stations to whoever needed help

I stubbed my cigarette out. "I'm gonna get some more coffee and get started. Want me to pour you a cup?"

"Fuck yeah." Jesse and I walked back to the kitchen. I grabbed a coffee cup and filled it with two sugars while shoving a few more packs in my pocket. Then I took the coffee pot and refilled Larry's cup that sat on the cutting board of his station. I poured Jesse coffee in the cup I filled with sugar, and gave him the extra packets from my pocket. Finally, I refilled mine. I set the coffee pot in the hot food window, as I expected we might be finishing it before the doors opened for business. I poured some cream into my coffee and some into Larry's.

"Do you know how we all take our coffee?" Jesse asked.

I stopped and thought for a second.

"You take it with just sugar, Larry and I with cream, and Aaron drinks it black. So yeah, I guess."

"How do you remember?" Jesse seemed truly perplexed by this.

"I don't know." I shrugged. "I just notice and don't forget."

"Fuck, I can't even remember my mom's birthday let alone how everyone takes their coffee. The only reason I know you drink Labatt's is cuz it's weird."

"Well maybe remembering things is one of our many feminine talents and Labatt's is not weird, it's the shit, unlike your Coors Light that tastes like watered down piss." I threw a raw mushroom at him and smiled. He knew I was teasing, but really, Coors Light was nasty.

Larry came back in. "Thanks for the Joe."

"No burns?"

"No burns," Larry said, shaking his head.

"No scratches?"

"Nope."

"Did you put the bowl in the center console?"

"Yes Elle, your baby is safe and I'm high, so chill."

"You're welcome," I mumbled, refilling my own coffee for the third time.

The day started off slow, but around two it began to get busy. I knew that would happen. People were getting last minute gifts, were stressed, and wanted to grab a quick bite. I was grateful to see Aaron come in at noon. He started pulling tickets out of the done basket.

"You're back here? Usually when it's you and Kevin, he works back of the house and you work front."

"What, you don't want me here?" Aaron asked, feigning offense.

"Fuck you. You know I would rather have you any day."

"Of course you do. Who else is going to change the keg with you?" Aaron winked at our weed code. "Anyway, I wanted to hear about J."

I groaned. "There isn't anything else to tell. He's still out of town," I said, plating up three quesadillas.

"Well give me something. How big is his dick? Is it thick? Curved? Big head? Dear lord, is it tiny?" he asked, grabbing the ticket with four chicken platters and a beef quesadilla I'd just put in the done basket. Someone liked their chicken tenders.

"Aw Aaron, no dick talk. I'm fuckin' handlin' like ten steaks back here," Larry yelled. I coughed to cover the laugh that was starting to come from my gut.

"But you handle that meat so well," Aaron teased.

"Aaron," I said in a warning voice. I leaned in to the hot window and whispered, "Don't freak him out. Larry's holding it together by a string and if you break that string I'm gonna feel the wrath. If I feel the wrath, I'll make sure you do too. And he's a magnum." Aaron's eyes got big, but before he could say anything I yelled to Larry, "It's all good. I got two mediums and a well done comin' off next. José, set some plates up for Larry, will ya?"

"You got everything, Jesse?" I asked.

"I'm good," he said, whipping back and forth between the fryers and his cutting board, making baskets of hot wings, mozzarella sticks, and a shit ton of chicken fingers.

Now that I knew everyone was all set, I leaned into the hot food window. Aaron was patiently waiting. "So it's big, but can he use it?" Aaron whispered, so as to not set Larry off.

"He can, but more importantly, he can use his tongue and his fingers. Aaron, it's the best sex I've ever had. I think he's giving me better orgasms than I give myself!" I exclaimed, trying to keep my voice down. None of the cooks knew about J. Larry and Jesse had met him, but neither knew we were seeing each other. It was Larry I was most concerned about. I knew he liked me. Like liked me. He knew we were just friends though. I think he felt good knowing I was closer with him than any other cooks. I didn't talk about guys with Larry, so I hadn't told him about J. Well, I guess that was kind of a cop out as I never had a guy worth mentioning. I had purposely not told Larry about J. Hmmmmm. This was something to ponder.

"When does he come back?" Aaron asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

"I don't know," I said, passing Aaron three tickets that were ready to have the food sent to the table.

"Where is he?"

"St. Louis," I said, giving Aaron two more tickets.

"Doing what?"

"Not sure." I dropped four more tickets in the done basket.

"God damn it Elle, tell me something and stop giving me fucking tickets," Aaron huffed. I just smiled. I could have given him all nine tickets at once, but I passed them out slowly on purpose, just to piss Aaron off. It worked. It was all in jest though. Aaron was now too busy getting the plates ready and finding servers to take the food to the tables to ask me any more questions. Mission accomplished.

Miraculously, the day finished without anyone having a meltdown. I say miraculously because I'd worked Christmas Eve for the last five years, and this was the first one to be meltdown-free.

"I'm locking the doors. Whatever tickets you have is it," Aaron announced, walking into the kitchen from the dining room.

"This is all the tables?" I asked, double checking. Aaron nodded. "Change the keg in twenty? We'll have all this out by then." Aaron nodded again, smiled, and winked. Besides J, only Aaron could get away with winking at me and it not seeming sleazy or giving me the heebs. The wink could be a dangerous thing when used incorrectly, which was almost always.

Kevin had gone home, leaving Aaron to close up the restaurant. Twenty five minutes later, Larry, José, Aaron and I were outside standing behind the dumpster. Not that anyone would see, plus the only manager was with us, but for good measure we kept ourselves clandestine. Never can be too cautious. Jesse had to go straight to some family party after this and opted out, saying his mom would know he was high to which he was met with Larry's taunts and teasing. I told Jesse that was very respectful to his mother and to ignore Larry. Good God, I was like their fucking mother. José was a new edition to our circle. He'd worked in the kitchen for a couple months, and he passed the test. There was no formal test really, just feeling him out to see if he was cool or a whiny bitch. Larry had his whiny bitch moments, but I forgave him becasue he was Larry and we'd worked together for so long. José turned out to be pretty chill. I'd only seen him meltdown once, and to his credit, it was prom night and he was working the fryers. Prom equaled teenagers, which equaled fried shit all night for him. Teenagers loved them some chicken fingers and mozzarella sticks. I could tell when one of the guys was about to flip, but I hadn't caught any signs from José. He'd been oddly quiet. I discovered that was his sign.

"You going to your parents tomorrow, Elle?" Aaron asked, passing me a joint he brought.

"Yep. God bless Dad and the special eggnog." I puffed and passed the joint to José.

"You don't like your parents?" he asked.

"They're just a handful," I shrugged.

"Man, we do it up on Christmas. Tamales, pozole, barbacoa. You gringos don't know how to do it right."

"Si pero ustedes tienen pistos en todos sus fiestas. Bautismos, bodas, quinceañeras..." I trailed off.

José laughed. "Eh, you're getting better Elle, and yeah we break out the beer for any occasion."

"Yeah, my parents need to take a lesson from yours," I mumbled, pulling a joint out of my cigarette pack that I rolled the night before. Another female talent, we came prepared. "What are you two doing?" I said, nodding to Larry and Aaron. I passed the joint to Larry.

"I'll hit my ma's up in the afternoon," Larry said, puffing the joint. "You?" he nodded to Aaron, passing him the joint as if it were the talking stick.

"I'm not going home this year. I'm meeting up with some friends in the evening," Aaron replied, hitting the joint and then handing it off to me.

"Cool if I hit you up after my parents? Well, if I'm still alive," I asked Aaron, passing José the joint.

"You're parents ain't cool?" José asked, taking the joint. I shook my head.

Aaron laughed. He sat through dinner once, and only once with my parents. "Course you're welcome. Don't even gotta ask, chica. The queens have missed you."

"Awww, tell them I miss them too," I told Aaron.

"No mames! I'm goin' in. No queen talk for me," José said, passing Larry the joint that was about gone.

"Me too. You gonna eat this?" Larry asked, handing me the roach. I popped the last quarter inch of the joint in my mouth.

"That's just disgusting, Elle," Aaron groaned. I smiled. We all went back inside and cleaned the kitchen up. I was glad to get home. It had been a long day on my feet and a bath sounded divine. I needed to relax and gear up for family time the next day.
Chapter 10

I'd been at my parents' for about an hour. Mom put a ham in the crockpot that morning, and it was filling the house with the scent of pork and brown sugar. Dad and I were sipping eggnog and watching the Grinch when my phone beeped. The Merry Christmas texts had been coming in all day.

"Elle, turn your phone off. Those beeps are driving me crazy," Dad said in his not so nice, but not yelling voice. I grabbed the phone, put it on vibrate, and slipped it in my pocket.

"Elle, are you going to help your mother or just sit in the recliner all day?" my Mom asked. Sure, Mom, I'd love to help when you ask so nicely.

Why we set the table for three was beyond me. I knew my parents ate at TV tables during the week. That would be much better than staring at each other for the duration of the meal. I learned that there was no point in arguing with my mother. It would just offer opportunities for her to deride me. I set the table, put out condiments, and mashed the potatoes for her.

"Earl, I think we're ready," Mom called to Dad a half hour later. We all sat down and Mom said her usual grace. "Now, we said grace, how about we each go around and say something we're thankful for," Mom exclaimed clapping her hands together. What? Where did this come from? "I'll start. I'm thankful for two beautiful daughters, even if only one is gracing us with her presence today." So she was thankful for us, but managed to back hand my sister's absence in one sentence. Nice one, Mom.

"Ahem," Dad cleared his throat, obviously wanting to do this about as little as I did. "I'm thankful that we have food on the table and a roof over our heads." Oh yeah, Dad. Always the practical one.

Two sets of eyes were on me. Fuck. "I'm thankful to have family to be with on Christmas." Ok, so I knew I was lucky to have parents who weren't raging alcoholics and didn't beat me, but was I stretching the truth? Maybe just a smidge.

"Oh, we're so happy to have you here, Elle," Mom said, reaching for my hand and squeezing it. Alright Mom, chill out. I swear she was bipolar sometimes. Or maybe she was just skilled at acting bittersweet. The façade of happiness was very important, but you knew something condescending was always on the tip of her tongue, ready to come out at a moment's notice. She was the queen of the sneak attack. "Although, you aren't too good to come over more than just Christmas, don't you think?" Yeeeaaah, there's she is. My mother.

Dinner went as good as it could. Mom did most of the talking, while Dad and I nodded and chimed in periodically to let her know we weren't totally tuning her out. After dinner, we went to the living room to exchange gifts. I got Mom a pair of earrings and matching necklace. I gave Dad a gift card to Cabella's. I thought we were done after I opened a box containing a sweater from my parents, but Mom passed me an envelope. I pulled out a check for $500.

"Oh my God you guys. Thank you!" I was taken off guard. $500. Whoa! They never gave me money.

"Well, your father and I know school isn't cheap, and thought maybe you could use it on books."

"Thanks Mom. Dad," I nodded to him. "Books aren't cheap that's for sure." Hence the weed bagging party I was having with Chris and Aaron next week.

"Well we're just so proud to see you in college, even if you didn't get a scholarship like your sister." Yep, that's the mom I knew and loved. Compliment, then back hand.

"Well thanks. I appreciate it," I mumbled. Dad sorta grunted and nodded. "More nogg Dad?" He just held out his glass. He was a man of few words. I went into the kitchen to refill his glass, and was accosted by my mother.

"So honey, have you met any men in college? Any educated men?"

My phone vibrated in my pocket.

J CELL

"I'll be right back, Mom," I said, dodging her educated men question. Thank you, J. Perfect timing.

I took Dad the full glass of eggnog I'd gone to the kitchen for, and crept into the bathroom. "Hey. Merry Christmas," I said softly.

"Merry Christmas, baby. I hope you are having a good one," J said.

"As good as can be. No drama," I replied in a hushed voice.

"Why are we whispering?" J whispered and laughed.

"The walls have ears," I said, using my best creepy voice. "I just don't want my mom to hear. It'll be twenty questions and I'll never get out of here. You having a good time in St Louis?"

"Eh, it is what it is. I miss you."

"I miss you too," I told him.

"I should be back Tuesday or Wednesday. I can't wait to see you, baby. I wanna be wrapped around your body for days to make up for the time apart."

"Well, as nice as that sounds I would have to get up to pee," I joked.

"Really Elle, I miss feeling you against me when I fall asleep. I've slept for shit the whole time I've been here," J said, without a hint of humor in his voice.

"I miss you too J," I whispered, more serious as well. "Call me when you get home so we can catch up. I'm winking through the phone."

"I got your wink, sweetheart. See you soon."

"I hope so."

My Mother was waiting in the hallway when I exited the bathroom. "Who was that?"

"Just Chris saying Merry Christmas."

"Oh, did she get a real job? Or is she still doing makeup?" Mom didn't think Chris had a "real" job. She said Chris just "clowned people's faces up and sold them overprices cosmetics." I ignored it. She had a gift when it came to makeup, whether it was bringing out your natural beauty by highlighting your best features, or going full on smoky eyes and dark lips. She truly was an artist when it came to cosmetics. I didn't know a thing about makeup until I met Chris. Mom wore the same blue eye shadow circa-1985 style. Not much to learn there.

"Yeah," I said brushing her off. "I'm gonna get going before it gets dark." I really didn't care if I drove in the dark, but Dad always lectured me about it, and I used this to my advantage. Plus I'd weaseled my way out of dishes. Score! I hugged both of my parents, and thanked them again for the money. It really was the nicest thing they had done for me in years.

I didn't meet up with Aaron. The parentals had zapped me of my energy, and all I could think about was a joint and the silence of my apartment.

******

Tuesday, it was back to business as usual. I worked the day shift. It was pretty slow, as was the norm after a big holiday, especially Christmas. At two, Kevin sent all the cooks home except me. Around three-thirty, Laura, one of the servers, came back to the kitchen jumping up and down like a pogo stick. She was saying something, but was talking and shrieking so much that I couldn't make it out. Laura and I were polar opposites. At least Kitchen Elle and Laura were polar opposites. She was like cotton candy and I was dark chocolate. She was sweet and bubbly. I was subtle and subdued.

Kevin came back into the kitchen from the dining room. Thank God. "Can you translate Kevin? Cuz I have no idea what she's saying."

"Just come to the dining room," was all Kevin said.

As with the kitchen, there was only one server left on the clock. Today that was Laura, but a handful of the other servers were still lingering around after their shift, most likely getting their afternoon drink on. They were all huddled around the edge of the bar top squealing and laughing like piglets. The restaurant was empty of customers. I walked up to them, and saw the vase of flowers they were ooh-ing and ahh-ing about. Kevin handed me a white card.

TO THE MOST BEATUIFUL WOMAN IN THE RESTAURANT- THE ONE IN THE KITCHEN. I'VE SEEN YOU EVERY NIGHT IN MY DREAMS. LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOU FOR REAL TONIGHT. ~J

All the servers, even Kevin, were staring at me when I looked up from the card. Pressure much? As they were all crowded around the end of the bar where the flowers were, I had to walk behind the bar to get to them. Damn piglets. Make some room. The vase was crystal, not sure if it was real, but it sure as hell didn't look cheap. It held a bouquet of lilies, not a cheap flower. It's what was tied around the vase that was worth the most, and paled in comparison to the expensive vase and flowers. It was a token with a hole in the middle. A piece of leather was strung though it. It was a token from the arcade. It was the token. The one J had kept from our first day (and night) together. I was stunned. I'd had guys drop money on me trying to impress me into being their girl, but no one ever gave me something with an emotional value. You couldn't monetarily quantify the token's worth. Nor the fact that he kept it, turned it into a necklace, and sent it with flowers. And to my job of all places, where he knew others would see it. Just like Master-Card, it was priceless.

"Well fuck Elle, say something. We're dyin' over here! What's up with the coin? And who the fuck is J, and does he have a brother!?" Deanna yelled. She was one of my favorite servers being a little rough around the edges, but a straight shooter. Always told it like it was, and had a bit of a raunchy mouth. Right up my alley.

"It's an arcade token," I said, still in a bit of a daze.

"And...." Deanna pushed.

"And J is—he's a friend of mine." Yeah, I know. Lame. But I wasn't telling the piglets too much. Next thing you know, they'd have an Applebee's newsletter circulating with my picture on the front.

"That's it, Elle? A friend? That's all you're gonna fuckin' tell us? Come on, gimme something. When was the last time someone got flowers here?" Deanna asked, hands on hips.

"When Nina found out her husband was fucking his assistant," one of the servers shouted. We all laughed. That was some funny shit. Nina threw the flowers in the dumpster, took a picture of it, then sent it with the divorce papers to her now ex-husband.

I grabbed the flowers and came out from behind the bar. "The token is from an arcade we went to. It was a good day." And with that, I turned and went back to the kitchen. I set the flowers on the cutting board, and went into the walk-in cooler. When the door shut behind me, I did a full out squeal, coupled with some air fisting, and a little dance. Kitchen Elle had to keep up her dark chocolate appearances, but in that moment, I was the Real Elle who was a pistachio. The shell was hard to break through, but the nut inside was soft and sweet.

After I had composed myself and put Kitchen Elle's face back together, I exited the walk-in cooler. I had twenty minutes before the night cooks came in, and I doubted we would get any customers before then. With shaky hands, I dug my phone out of my pocket and began texting.

ME: where r u at?

AARON: running errands. y?

ME: u close by?

AARON: i can b in a minute.

ME: meet me at the back door. text me when ur out there. hurry.

AARON: R U OK????

ME: yeah just get over here.

God bless Aaron, seven minutes later my phone vibrated with a text saying he was outside. I grabbed the flowers, and found Aaron was pacing as soon as I opened the back door.

"God, Elle! What the fuck?"

"Here, take these," I said, shoving the flowers at Aaron.

"What? Where did these come from?"

"No time for questions. Just take the flowers and park across the street. I'll be over there in fifteen minutes when Ryan gets in, and I will explain everything."

Aaron took the flowers, but not without some grumbling and a string of profanities. The universe was on my side that day as Ryan arrived five minutes later. I grabbed my purse and snuck out the back door, telling Ryan to let Kevin know I'd left, but only if he asked. I didn't wait around for a response. I drove across the street, parked in the strip mall parking lot, and jumped into Aaron's car.

"You gonna tell me what's up?" Aaron asked.

I put my head in my hands and sighed. "You got time to swing by my place for a few and I'll explain it all?"

"Yeah. Is everything OK? Did something bad happen?"

"No, but you know how it is back there. That restaurant is like a fucking soap opera and I really don't want my business up in it. And these flowers got the piglets all riled up. If they found out the story, it would be worse than a soap opera. It would be a Spanish soap opera, una telenovela." Aaron laughed. We watched the telenovelas and had no idea what they were saying, but it was drama central. Like American soap's times ten.

"Alright. I'll follow you," Aaron said as I grabbed the flowers, and got in my car. I drove home in a slight daze. You know, the one where you get home and don't remember if you stopped at any red lights. I went inside with Aaron behind me, and put the flowers on the kitchen table. I started taking my clothes off as soon as I set the flowers down.

"I gotta multi task for a second. I'll start while I shower." Aaron had seen me in various states of undress before, so he followed me into the bathroom. I got in the shower and started spilling to him.

"So Laura came back to the kitchen all squeaking piglet like, and Kevin told me to come to the front. Those were flowers at the bar from J."

"So what's the big deal? Why were you acting like the mafia was after you?"

I was in super shower mode. This was not a long luxurious shower like on the shampoo commercials. I wasn't making orgasmic noises while I slowly massaged shampoo into my scalp. This was a I have no idea when J is coming over, and I need to scrub the grease off me type of shower.

"Pass me a towel, will ya?" Aaron held the towel over the shower curtain, and I wrapped it around me. "Another one for my hair."

"Fuck, Elle. Story!" He yelled, handing me the second towel to wrap my hair in.

I stepped out of the shower, squeezed the towel in my hair, and proceeded to put some product in it so it would curl nicely. I wanted good hair for J to mess up later.

"I haven't told any of the guys about J. Not even Larry. I don't want them to know."

"What's the big deal with them knowing?" Aaron asked, a perplexed look on his face. Not like he announced his conquests to the whole world, but he had no problem telling me and Chris, and sometimes the piglets, about his steamy nights with hot men. Aaron always scored the hot ones.

I put my robe on and padded to the kitchen to pack a bowl. Aaron followed close on my heels. "I don't know. You know they can be weird about shit like this. It'll be like twenty fucking questions, and then they'll all wanna to meet him. Shit, Larry practically pissed territorially on me the first time he met J at Checks. Ew, and all the guys will potentially be picturing me naked, and fucking J."

Aaron laughed. "Nooooooo. They will be picturing themselves fucking you. Not J. Any one of those boys in the kitchen would give a testicle to get in your panties."

"It's just cuz they can't have me."

"It's more than that, Elle. You're the chick who's nice to them, but cool as fuck. They all want a piece of that. Especially Larry. He's more or less in love with you."

"They know Kitchen Elle. And that is precisely why Larry can't know. He'd get all weird with me."

"So what is up with the flowers? Where is the card?" I showed Aaron the card. "Damn. Now I see why the piglets were all fired up. This vase is Swarovski," he said, holding the vase up to look at the bottom.

"Swar-what? What does that mean?"

"Swarovski. And it means he spent at least five benji's on this vase."

My mouth hung open. "Five. Hundred. Dollars. Fuck, Aaron. "

"What's up with the coin?"

"That vase may be the most expensive thing I own outside the Monte, but the coin is worth way more."

I told Aaron all about our day at the arcade, and that night. I told him how much fun we had. How we connected—and then how I bailed on him in the middle of the night. "And he saved the token?" Aaron asked. I nodded. "Chica, that's some shit. I would love a man to do something like this for me. He obviously put some thought into it, and didn't mind spending a grip on the vase. He sure as hell didn't go with the twenty nine ninety nine FTD special."

"Word," I sighed.

"Why are you sighing? Aren't you excited to see him tonight?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. I'm excited to see him, and terrified that I'm excited. He isn't like other guys. Hold up," I told Aaron, and went to my jewelry box in the bathroom to retrieve the bracelet J had given me.

I handed the bracelet to Aaron, and fell onto the couch rather dramatically. "Dude. Did he make this?" he asked with a look of total awe in his eyes.

"Yep."

"Fuck. The token from a memorable day you two shared, a bracelet he made with his own two hands, and a Swarovski vase. He's special. You need to hold onto this one."

I sighed again. "I know he's special. I think I'm falling for him. He's breaking my walls down, slowly but surely. I gotta give it to him. He's persistent and determined. I haven't exactly made it easy for him to win me."

"You shouldn't. But he's obviously in it for the long haul. He treats you right. You've said the sex is off the chain. What? And don't you dare give me a shoulder shrug, Eleanor Skye," Aaron said, probably pissed I hadn't married the man yet. Full name. Never a good thing.

"I think, well—he's not totally, um—on the up and up. You know?" I asked Aaron, raising an eyebrow.

"You ain't exactly on the up and up either," Aaron said, making air quotes.

"Yeah, I know, but it's different. I smoke some weed and sell it on occasion. That's the extent of my illegal activities nowadays. I think he's into some heavier shit. I think that's why he's been in St. Louis."

"Did you ask him what he was doing in St. Louis?" Aaron asked like I was a two year old.

"No."

"Well what the hell?" Aaron said, throwing his hands in the air. He was fully exasperated with me as he had started in with the dramatic, sweeping hand gestures.

"Here." I passed him a bowl packed with nuggs, nice and green ones. Then, I proceeded to tell him about starfish. After silence, and Aaron practically smoking the whole bowl himself, I asked, "Puff puff pass?"

"Elle, I think you need to clear your head cuz what you just told me is wack. Like 1995 wack. Like crack is wack wack. Like what the fuck wack! Like you done smoked one too many bowls wack!"

"Fuck, Aaron. I know shit's messed up, but he is coming over tonight. What should I do?"

"Fuck him."

"Thanks Aaron, for that sage advice." I grabbed the bowl from his hands. I repacked it and puffed a few times before handing it to Aaron. "Should I push about what's up with the motorcycle and St. Louis and the fact that I've yet to hear about a legit job? Or should I leave it alone?"

Aaron was silent. Not a good sign. "Are you prepared for the answers?"

"God, you sound like my fucking mother. I don't know. That's why I haven't asked. Duh!" I snatched the bowl back from Aaron before he smoked the whole thing.

"Well, fuck. I guess if you want this relationship to go the distance, you've gotta ask. There can't be secrets. But who the fuck am I to give advice. I'm lucky if my relationships last longer than one night."

"That's not a relationship Aaron," I playfully chastised. "That's a hit and run. A hump and dump. A hit it and quit it. A fuck and flee. A lick it and—"

"I fucking got it Elle, and I make no apologies for my sexual preferences."

"Your sexual preference is men. Your sexual method is bang and bounce." That was a good one. "Aaron, you know I don't give a fuck. I love you because you make no apologies, so don't start."

"Didn't plan to. You know, maybe you should be straight with him. Tell him you think you want to know some of this shit, but don't know if you reeeeeallly want to know. And then tell him why you're unsure. Why are you unsure?" Aaron asked. Damn. Why was I? It was true, my life wasn't exactly legit. I mean, I didn't kill people, or rob, or traffic guns. But what if J did? Oh shit. My mind started reeling.

"I think I need a nap," I said, getting up to put clothes on.

"I expect full details tomorrow, missy. I'll let myself out," Aaron called to my back.

"Thanks. I love you. Sayonara," I said, waving goodbye without turning around. I really did need a nap.

******

"Is this what you came for?" he said, grabbing my hair and pushing me into a corner, the rock hard dick in his pants shoved against my leg.

I closed my eyes. I would not cry. I would not yell.

"No Stacey. I came to buy a sack. Remember? The half ounce we talked about last night at Rick's party?" I tried to keep my voice calm as I looked into his glassy eyes. Fucking meth. How did I not see he was a fucking meth-head. Marlo had told me never to trust the mo fo's on uppers. Never knew what they were gonna do. God Bless 'Life Lessons from Gary, Indiana' that I really shoulda listened to.

My head was hurting from Stacey pulling my hair so hard, but I was determined to stay calm. "Let's go sit down, Stacey." I put my hand on his chest. God, I didn't want to touch him. "Let's get fucked up, and then I'll get what I came for." I wasn't getting anything but the hell outta there. I prayed he couldn't feel my heart pounding like someone was beating a punching bag in my chest.

Stacey smiled. Aw gross. He was workin' with about ten teeth, and they were all kinds of nasty. "You wanna get fucked up little girl? I'll fuck you like you wouldn't ever forget." He laughed and shoved his dick harder against me. How was his dick so hard when he was sky high? I thought those drugs made your shit flaccid as fuck.

"Yeah, you can show me some things, but let's get a lil high first, OK?" I was almost pleading. I could feel the panic start to surface as my breathing sped up. I took a deep breath in through my nose and exhaled slowly, trying not to cough at the awful stench coming off this tweaker. Stacey eased up. He grabbed my arm and shoved me onto the couch. He was barely an inch taller than me, but he was strong. Like, meth-head strong. Something else Marlo told me. The uppers make lil mo fo's strong as fuck. Again, I wished I had listened better during 'Life Lessons from Gary, Indiana.'

I sat down, and looked to see my possible exit strategies. He was between me and the door, so that wasn't an option without knocking him down. With the force he had me pinned against the wall, I doubted I could take him. He was firmly planted in the chair closest to the door, and he sure as hell wasn't packing a bowl of weed. Fuck. I was not smoking meth with this fucker. I was not smoking meth period. That shit burned holes I your head. I did listen to that particular 'Life lesson from Gary, Indiana' and had never used meth or speed or anything like that. They were not usually very common around town. Weed, X, coke, and H were the main drugs I'd come across in my time on the streets.

"I gotta piss, yo. Where's the bathroom?" It was my only hope. Stacey was engrossed in getting the chunky powder into a light bulb. A fucking light bulb? He nodded his head to the hallway, and I did my best to walk casually to the back of the trailer. I also prayed to whatever God there was that there would be a window in the bathroom.

I poked my head in the first door, the bathroom, and there was no way in hell I was making it out of the tiny window. FUCK!! Holding my breath, I crept into the back bedroom. I ran to the window, again praying, but this time that it would open. When it did, I closed my eyes and slowly lifted it up enough for me to shimmy out. I slipped out and fell into some gravel. It dug into the palms of my hands, drawing blood. I was too focused on getting to my beat up Ford Festiva to care. I barely had it started when Stacey came barreling out the front door, practically knocking it off the hinges. He started beating on my driver window. "Bitch get your ass back inside. I was gonna take your pussy, but now I'm takin' your ass. Don't plan on walking right for days you lil fuckin' cunt." A crack began to form where his hand was hitting. I threw it into first gear, and eased off the clutch. I was shaking. The car stalled. "Get your fuckin' ass inside. Don't make me tell you again unless you wanna feel all my boys' dicks up your ass. You like it like that lil girl? Let me go give them all a call." I turned the key again, and tried to keep my left foot from shaking. Stacey kept beating on the window and screaming. POUND POUND POUND. The crack in the window got bigger.

I jumped out of bed, my heart racing and covered in sweat. POUND POUND POUND. Someone was at the door. I did the chain, opened the door, and stood behind it. I opened it, but stayed behind the door so whoever was out there couldn't see me. "Who is it?" I yelled, panic filling my voice.

"Elle, it's me." The breath I didn't know I had been holding came out in one long exhale. I closed the door and undid the chain, letting J come inside. He walked in and immediately dropped his bag. I had both my hands on the wall, leaning up against it. My eyes were squeezed closed as I tried to even out my breathing. J gently put his hand on my shoulder. "Elle?" I flinched. "Elle, it's just me. Everything is OK. I'm going to take your hands off the wall and put them around my neck, OK?" I felt like I was in a tunnel. It was dark. I could hear his words, but I couldn't see anything. I think I nodded. I must have because the next thing I knew I was being picked up and carried to the couch.

You got away Elle. You got the car into first before the window shattered, and you got away. Just like you did when you were far enough away from Stacey's, you need to breathe.

I told myself this as I counted breaths. In. Out. In. Out. This time I wasn't sobbing though. I wasn't sitting on the side of the road in my car shaking and crying hysterically. Everything poured out that I'd been holding in since Stacey grabbed me and shoved me against the wall. All the fear and anxiety came out of me like a flood from my eyes. I wrapped my arms around myself. I cried and shook on the side of that road for at least an hour before I could drive away. I was sixteen. I hadn't met Chris or Aaron yet. I drove to work and pushed the buzzer for the back door. I hadn't even been working there a year. I'm not sure who found me, but it was Larry who took care of me. We sat outside the restaurant, and he let me sob as I told him everything. It's all kind of a blur, but I think that was the beginning of the friendship Larry and I have now. I trusted him. I hadn't known where to go, but ended up at the restaurant in Larry's arms.

That was then. This was now. No more tears. Just left over nightmares every now and again. I opened my eyes and blinked a few times, disoriented.

"Hey," J said softly. "I wondered when you were going to come back to me."

"What happened?" I was dreaming. I knew that. When did J get here?

He told me how I opened the door, the fear in my eyes, and that I was drenched in sweat. "Your heart was going a mile a minute. What happened before I got here, Elle?" There was concern in his voice as well as a hint of anger, as if he was ready to beat some ass.

"I took a nap. I was dreaming. I didn't remember opening the door until you just told me. Now I remember."

"I could tell you weren't with it. Your eyes were far away. I almost couldn't touch you. You were scared?"

Fuck. This was all too much. I lay my head against J's chest, and burrowed deeper into him. "Can we just sit here for a minute and then I'll explain?"

"Of course, sweetheart. You don't even need to ask." He tightened his arms around me. It felt so good. I had never felt safe in someone's arms before. I had never really had anyone's arms around me, and not be trying to get away except for that time with Larry. I was taken back to the dream. Stacey had his hands on me, and was holding me against the wall. God, he smelled so bad. It was like I could still smell that stench in the air. I clung to J tighter.

"Your heart is racing again."

I took a deep breath. I needed to be high, to be numb. "Pack a bowl? It's in the kitchen in the bottom cabinet, far left. I'm going to wash my face." I stood up on shaky legs. J wrapped his giant hands around my waist, and led me to the restroom. I turned and looked up to him. He looked concerned, confused, and—ready to kill. I knew he wasn't mad at me. He was, no doubt, angry with whatever or whoever was in my dream. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him down to me so I could kiss him. He was gentle at first, but I needed more. I grabbed his hair and pulled him closer to me.

"Elle," J mumbled between kisses. "Are you OK?"

"I need you closer," I rasped, pulling his shirt off. "I need your skin against mine." I pulled my shirt off. "I need—I need you, J."

In a flurry of movements, clothes came off and I was lifted on to the bathroom counter. I grabbed J's erect cock and pulled it towards me. I let out a long sigh as he filled me up. Wrapping my legs around him, I pulled him as close to me as possible. He put one arm under my ass and the other into my hair, smashing his lips onto mine. This wasn't slow and sensual love-making. This wasn't hard and carnal fucking. This was something different. I didn't have a descriptor for the way I was pulling him into me, forcing him to pound into me without moving too far apart. I wanted—no, I needed to feel all of him. I had my legs locked around him in a vice grip, afraid to let go. I didn't want to think about anything from my past. Just now. This moment. And J's skin against mine. That's all I wanted in my head. Our lips stayed attached as he leaned back a bit, and put his hand that had been gripping my ass in between us.

"No space. No space between us," I panted. "I need—" I was cut off as his hand found my clit, and started rubbing it up and down. When he took my swollen nub between his fingers and squeezed it, my orgasm hit me like a Mack truck. There were no stars. No build up. Just POW! Like an old episode of Batman. It was an explosion behind my eyes.

J took his hand from between us and brought it to the side of my neck, his other hand still gripping my hair. At some point our lips detached, but he didn't stopped pumping into me. We were once again skin to skin, as close as we could possibly get without crawling inside each other. He cradled my head, and brought his mouth to my ear, slowing his thrusts.

"I know you don't need me." Thrust. "But I will always." Thrust. "Take care of you." Thrust. "Always." He paused. "I'd kill for you, Elle." After two more pounding drives into me, he came, gasping my name. I could feel his cock swell inside me and semen burst forth from it, filling me.

We were both breathing heavily. J had his arms around me, his elbows at my back, his hands cradling my head against his chest, cocooning me in him. With my legs around him and his cock still inside me, I squeezed tighter. It was the only response I had. There were no words for what just happened. He took my pain and fear that I usually used marijuana to numb, and he used his body to ease that fear and pain. I wasn't numb. I was the opposite. I was alive in every possible way, with his body wrapped around mine.

He started to pull away. I held on, not wanting to lose contact with an inch of his skin. He placed my arms around his neck. "Hold onto me." Like a little monkey, I clutched onto him as tight as I could. He picked me up, and I heard the water turn on in the bathtub. A few seconds later he stepped into it, easing me down into the warm water. He slowly pulled out of me as we descended into the tub.

Once we were immersed and the tub was full, J reached around and turned off the water. I was still attached to him, my legs around his waist and resting on his thighs, my arms around his neck, and my head buried in the crook of his shoulder. I took some deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. I pulled back and brushed my lips against his. Barely easing back a millimeter, I whispered, "Thank you."

"Wanna tell me what that dream was all about?"

I sighed. "It's more than the dream, but I'll tell you." I turned around so my back was to his front. He draped his arms and legs over mine, cocooning me again, knowing I needed it. I lay against him, feeling the rhythmic beat of his heart against my back. I closed my eyes and let it soothe me. J didn't say anything, allowing me to collect my thoughts. After a few minutes passed, I tilted my head back so J could press his lips against mine.

Laying my head against his chest, pulling his arms tighter around me, I told him the dream. "I have those dreams sometimes. Just shit that happened when I was young and dumb. Still learning the streets." I left out the part about going to the restaurant and Larry. I'm not sure why. I just ended the story when I stopped crying and pulled back onto the road.

"What did you do after you started driving again? Where did you go?" Fuck. Of course he had to ask. Why didn't I want to tell him about Larry? It wasn't Larry. I just didn't want him to think I couldn't handle myself. That was a long time ago. I barely had my license.

"I never bought weed from the fucker again." I got out of the bath and handed J a towel. I grabbed one for myself, and started drying off. "Are you hungry? I have some pasta I brought home from work."

"No. I'm good." J wasn't done with the conversation. I could tell. But I was done.

I rummaged through my drawers for some track pants and a tank. J retrieved his bag that he'd dropped by the door, and followed me to my bedroom.

"Thanks for the flowers. They're beautiful," I said, wrapping my arms around him, and looking into his dark eyes. "No one has ever sent me flowers, especially to work. You had all the piglets up in a dither." I smiled up at him.

"Piglets?"

"The servers. That's what Aaron and I call them. They're like little piglets running around squealing. They squealed quite a bit when the flowers arrived. Even more when they read the card. The piglets only get flowers at the restaurant when their men fuck up."

"Elle, I don't want to push you but just so I know what we're doing here? Are we starfishing what just happened?"

As much as I wanted to turn to ice, I couldn't. What he did for me was... Fuck, I didn't have a word for it. He had managed to save me when I thought I would never need saving again. He was melting more than my heart. He was melting the ice I had so carefully frozen around my emotions.

"Yeah. I wanna talk. Just, give me a minute cuz there's a lot I want to say."

"Do you want to smoke that bowl still? Or just chill?"

"You know, actually, let's hold off on the bowl. I'm going to open a bottle of wine. You want some? It's a Cabernet I think." He nodded.

When we were both settled on the couch, cozied up with our wine, I started spilling. "I'll start with the easy stuff. The flowers. I fucking loved them. No one has ever sent me flowers, and the fact that you sent them to my work, making all the little piglets jealous, was amazing."

He smiled and laughed a little. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't trying to make them jealous. But more so, I wanted to make the guys in the kitchen know that you're mine."

I kept going, ignoring the fact that none of the guys saw them. I was totally starfishing that one, and I was doing it on the DL. "And the token. Dude. Do you take lessons on how to make a girl melt? It made sense to no one but me, which made it even more special. Like, it was something secret between just you and me. And I'm guessing you made the hole and strung it yourself." He nodded. He was good with his hands. In more ways than one. "I love that you know I'm not a diamonds and pearls type of gal, and I'll totally wear the token. The shit you make me is cooler than any jewelry you could buy me. So thank you."

He didn't need to say anything. He just kissed me. I could feel the smile on his lips as they pressed against mine. When he pulled away, I held out my empty glass for him to refill. He grabbed the bottle off the coffee table and topped us both off. Deep breaths, Elle.

"I know we haven't talked about a lot of stuff. Stuff about ourselves. You pretty much just witnessed one of those things. I fucked up a lot when I was younger and running the streets. I got myself into a lot of bad situations before I learned. I'm cautious and controlling of my life because I've managed to not get raped or killed thus far, and I intend to keep it that way." I could feel him tense at my last sentence, but I powered on. "You have somehow snuck into my life and started to melt the glaciers that exist inside me. Glaciers that are my protection from being hurt, physically or emotionally, cuz both hurt like hell. It's scary, this thing with me and you, but less and less as time goes on. I like having you in my life. If anyone asked I might deny it, but I missed you like crazy while you were gone. I thought about you every other minute," I admitted.

"And I you."

"And there goes a little more melting inside of me." I smiled at him. We were still at the smiley part of this conversation. That was about to change.

"I also realized some things while you were gone. I'm an observer. I observe everything, and mentally file it. I can be weird about new places and people. Some people think I'm distant, but I'm really just sizing people and situations up before I let them into my world. So I've been observing you for some time now. Fuck." I looked at the ceiling. My heart was pounding in my chest. Man up, Elle. "The bike, the leather vest, which I assume is your cut, St. Louis, the lack of an obvious day job. I've noticed all those things." I paused to gauge his reaction. None. Fuckity fuck fuck. He had a poker face as good, if not better, than mine. "I want to know about these things as much as I don't want to know. That's why I haven't pushed. And you've starfished a few things yourself. But I'm falling for you Bear Jesus Odell, in a way I've never fallen before, and it scares me. The ice around my heart is chipping away, and it terrifies me. Not like the dream, but like if I let you in, I'm giving you the power to hurt me."

"I would never hurt you." I was lying in his arms facing away, but J turned me around so he could face me. I looked at the couch. "Look at me, Elle." I kept looking at the couch. "Elle." His voice was soft, yet commanding. He eased my chin up until I was forced to peer into his inky black eyes. "I'm falling just as hard. You challenge me, excite me, make me laugh, put me at ease. You are smart and kind. And damn, but you can fuck." He smiled at me. We wore matching grins, because that boy could fuck too! "I was with someone before. She ripped my heart out when I needed her most. So I know how it feels to guard your heart. You covered yours in ice. I covered mine in steel. I told you that you could break me. What it has taken for you to melt my steel, is a hundred times greater than melting your ice. And you've done it. When I'm with you, my heart is bare, raw, open. It wouldn't take much for you to rip it out if you chose."

I shook my head. "I wouldn't! I'll protect it." I cried out, I was so adamant.

"And I'll protect yours. I promise." He leaned forward and pressed his Cabernet tasting lips against mine. He lay his forehead against mine and sighed. "I know you have more to say."

At that, I too sighed. I did have more to say. "Sometimes we promise things. And we mean it—or we mean it at the time, but we inadvertently break those promises." I paused. That was about as vague as it got. But he waited for me in silence, as if forcing me to elaborate. God, this sucked! "Are you part of a Motor Cycle club in St Louis?"

"Sorta."

"Is that why you were gone? You were with them?"

"Yes."

"You don't wear your cut all the time?"

"No."

Ok, we're getting nowhere here. "I want to know what's up with all this, and at the same time I don't. Cuz it opens the possibility that you could somehow inadvertently break your promise. You feel me?"

"Yeah," he replied on a long exhale. He paused, thinking about how to explain, I assumed. "You know I told you my mom cut out and my dad kinda became useless, so my Gramps took care of me?"

"Yeah."

"I loved Gramps. But I was angry. Angry that my mom could leave her son, her family. I was angry that my dad was always drunk and didn't come home. And as much as I loved Gramps, sometimes I felt like he was living in a different era. His father had been a shaman, and he taught Gramps about healing." I nodded, letting him know I knew what a shaman was. We had talked about them in my Anthropology class. They were medicine men and spiritual guiders. "He told me all the stories that were passed down through the generations. He told me I had a destiny to fulfill. I was tired of being told what to be, while watching Dad piss his life down the fucking gutter. I'd bought a beat up bike and fixed it up to the point that it ran. Gramps and I got into a big fight, and I took off on the bike to St. Louis. The ride gave me time to think." He paused, running his hand through his dark hair. Silky strands of blackness fell right back into his eyes. He needed a haircut and a shave, and it was sexy as all hell. I was quiet, letting him gather his thoughts as he had done for me. "I'll skip the bullshit and get right to what matters. I didn't come right back home. I found a garage that specialized in Harley's. One of their men was locked up, so they were down a mechanic. They looked at my bike, saw what I'd done to restore it, and hired me on the spot. I did bitch work for a while. Oil changes, cleaning up the garage, shit like that. But they saw I was good. Word got around. This guy came in and asked me to look at his bike. It was at his house and wasn't running. He wanted to restore it. I needed the money so I met up with him that evening. We talked about the bike, drank some beers, and made plans for me to come back later that week. I kept going back to his house to work on the bike. I met a couple of his boys. I got along with them all. It'd been a couple months, they'd been watching me, and they asked if I wanted to be a part of Mayhem. I, like you," he smiled at me, "am an observer. I'd figured out they were an MC. The Missouri Mayhem. St. Louis is their main chapter, and there is another one in Kansas City now."

"We're right in the middle." Suddenly, it made sense why they would want him. He was the perfect go-between for the big cities.

"Yep. I didn't know what plans they had when they invited me to prospect. I didn't know as much about them as I thought. I was young and stupid and wanted to be part of something that didn't include spirit animals. But—" J sighed. He was struggling with the next part. He closed his eyes. "They weren't what I thought." That was it. He was silent after that, and I knew I wouldn't get anymore from him.

"How'd you end up back here?"

"Gramps got sick. I told Prez I had to go to him. White folks are pretty mystified when I bust out the Lakota shaman shit." I punched him in the arm as he smiled a cheeky grin. "I had about eighteen months with Gramps before he passed. I went to St. Louis a couple times, as well as KC, but the last six months or so I couldn't leave him. We don't put our elders in nursing homes. He died at home, with me."

He must have seen the heart break in my eyes because he waved it off, and kept going before I could say anything. "Prez worked some stuff out, and wanted me to stay here. I did club work here, and went to St. Louis or Kansas City every couple months. I was glad. In those last months, Gramps explained that the house and the pond had been in our family since before the white men came. He told me I couldn't let it go. There used to be more, but by that time there was about ten acres left that hadn't been taken or Gramps was forced to sell to development companies. Prez helped me keep the encroaching developers from taking anymore, and I stay here now. He helped me out, but not without a price. Everything has a price in his world." I could hear him grinding his teeth at that last sentence. "That's the story. Is that enough?"

I paused, thinking. "Yeah, that's enough for now. Are you in 'feelings hour' over load?"

He laughed. "Yeah. I want to know more about what you have lived through, but not now."

I grabbed his hand and pulled him up. "I feel the same way. Maybe more later. Sleepy time now?" He nodded and followed me into the bedroom.

He stripped off my tank and track pants, then took his own clothes off. Slowly he lowered me to the bed, and this time we made love. Slow, sweet, ice and steel melting love.
Chapter 11

Programming at the center stopped for the holidays. It would start back up after the New Year. Kids still came through just to hang sometimes, and I popped in a few times to help Penny with data entry and general cleaning. Teens could really make a mess.

I went in one afternoon to tackle the kitchen. Genesis and her friend Angelica were helping me scrub down the walls. I told Penny I could make the kitchen sparkle. She laughed as if I were joking. I wasn't. This was my domain, my comfort zone. Despite what you might hear, most chain restaurants are pretty strict on sanitation. We clean a lot of shit and we hate it, so I knew how to make the center's kitchen look like new. And it needed it. I was tired of cooking around the clutter, so I offered up my cleaning services that afternoon.

I was on a ladder cleaning the vents over the oven when Genesis startled me with an out of the blue question. "Do you have a boyfriend, Elle?" How much did I want to tell her? Fuck. Yeah I do. He's the best lay ever. He's in an MC. And he probably does highly illegal shit on the regular...

"I'm talking to someone, but I work a lot and I'm pretty focused on school. Why do you ask?"

"Well." I could tell Genesis had ulterior motives for her question. She elbowed Angelica and whispered—or thought she whispered, because I could totally hear her—to ask me something. "Go on. You can ask her." I rolled my eyes at the vents, but patiently waited for them to figure out who would ask this oh-so-secretive question.

I didn't know Angelica as well as Genesis. She had the perfectly bronzed skin my white ass dreamed of, and dark brown hair that was as straight as mine was curly. She was tall-ish, in comparison to the other girls at the center. Maybe 5'5". Taller than Genesis, but still shorter than me. I knew they were friends, but Genesis was a chatty gal so she warmed up to me quickly. I was slowly building relationships with the teens, but it was hard as they were uncertain of me just as much as I was uncertain of them.

"Callete, Genesis. No quiero que la feria sepa."

I translated that in my head. It took me a minute. I don't want the change to know. Huh? That sentence didn't make sense.

"Si pero la gringita esta chida. Bueno, le preguntaré." I understood what Genesis said. Yeah but the white girl is cool. Fine, I'll ask her.

"Elle, me and Angelica want to know, uh... like sometimes. Well, what happens if the guy like, um... can't keep it hard? You know what I mean?"

I laughed. Maybe I shouldn't have. We'd all been there. Back from the club, all ready to get it on, and the guy's had too much to drink and things don't work so well. Oh, but they try. They try until your coochie feels like a desert, and you have to nicely convince the guy to just give up and go to sleep. In my case, give up so I can find my clothes, and quietly sneak home to my trusty BOB.

"Ladies, first of all I have to make sure you are being safe and using condoms." They both immediately glued their eyes to the floor. "Are either of you on birth control?" I looked at them, both still staring at the floor, and sighed. I took my glasses off and pinched the bridge of my nose. This wasn't funny anymore. "OK, ladies. I'm not your mom, so I'm gonna give it to you straight. Guys are not going to bust out the condom. Even guys my age. You need to take control of your body and when you choose to have kids. Not when you get knocked up. If you're grown up enough to have sex, then you're grown up enough to go to Planned Parenthood and get on some birth control. But you still need condoms to protect you from STD's."

"But the guy will think I'm a slut if I pull a condom out of my purse," Angelica protested.

"Why are you having sex with a guy who thinks so little of you? And obviously he doesn't care enough to want to keep you safe and not pregnant. No offense, but he don't sound like the kind of guy you need to be fu... sleeping with." Both girls laughed at my slip. "You are both beautiful, intelligent young ladies, but you also need to be strong and assertive."

I could see the uncertainty in their eyes and it killed me. I'd gotten the sex speech from my friend's mom when I was thirteen. She was a stripper and it went something like this: Honey, men are dicks. They have dicks and are dicks. But you got the pussy and that is what they want to stick that dick in. Their dicks are dirty, so you wrap that fucker up. Every. Single. Time. No matter if they tell you their clean, they love you, or whatever dumb ass excuse their dicks come up with. No glove, no love honey. And I love my daughter, but I wish I'd have waited cuz I don't know which one is her daddy, and I ain't goin' on Maury. So you best get on the pill. Aaaaand she wrapped it up with: Oh, and love don't exist, my dear. There's just fucking. So enjoy it. You need me to take you to the clinic? We went to the clinic the next day. Was she getting the mother of the year award? No. Was I STD free, childless and going on twenty-three? Yes. So I couldn't hate on her too much. Her honest, albeit raunchy, speech made an impact on me. I wasn't about to take it that far with the girls, but I did feel the need to pay it forward.

I took a breath and said something I could potentially regret. "Look, I'll take you both to Planned Parenthood if you want."

The girls started whispering in Spanish too quickly for me to understand. It was Genesis who spoke for the both of them. "We don't want our parents or Penny to know. Can we trust you?" Genesis said it with such conviction. Could she trust me? Was it OK for me to do this behind their parents' and Penny's back? I liked Penny, but I imagine she'd give them an abstinence speech that'd be pretty useless.

I got out my phone and googled the nearest Planned Parenthood. Once I found the number, I called and set up appointments for the both of them the following Wednesday. Genesis and Angelica looked at me, their jaws dangling by the floor, as I hung up.

"I won't tell Penny or your parents. But, you both also need to not tell anyone. I could get in trouble for this too. So can I trust you both?" Their two heads nodded. "OK, so now onto the next issue. I'm gonna keep it real ladies. Dudes sometimes can't keep their dicks hard. It happens. It sucks." They both laughed. "What were the circumstances that they couldn't keep it hard?"

Genesis had done the talking, but now Angelica was ready to spill. "Es que, me and Marcos were at this party and he was, uh... not sober. You know?" I nodded. "Yeah, so we went into one of the bedrooms and started, you know. But he couldn't keep it hard and he got all pissed off. I tried to tell him it was OK, but he got angry with me."

Red alarms went off in my head. "Back up. He was mad at you because he couldn't keep his dick hard?" Angelica nodded. "Ok, so this conversation never happened." I gave a pointed look at both girls. I was really pushing the limits of appropriateness here, but I felt like they deserved to hear all the stuff I learned the hard way. Maybe so they wouldn't have to learn in some of the self-destructive ways I did. "Right? This never leaves this kitchen?" They again nodded, like two teenage bobbleheads. "If you tell anyone I told you this, I will deny it and say you're lying." Again the girls nodded, and I took a deep breath. "OK, so when guys get really drunk, they can get what I call 'whiskey dick'." Both girls giggled at my clinical terminology. "Whiskey dick is basically what you are explaining. When guys drink too much, they can't keep it hard. Don't ask me why, but it's just the way it is. I've totally had it happen to me when I've been with a guy. It is not your fault. It's theirs for drinking too much. So you can either stop them before they drink too much, or not have sex when they're super drunk. But don't ever let them try and make it your fault. It's not your fault. You don't have to be mean about it with them, but don't let them get angry with you. Feel me?"

"Yeah. Marcos was pretty drunk."

"Angelica, did you want to have sex with Marcos? Were you drunk?"

"Well, yeah, but not as drunk as him. But we've been having sex for a while."

"I just wanted to make sure you weren't being forced into anything. You're sixteen and I know you're having sex, but make sure you're being safe, and doing it because you want to. Not because you think you have to." Angelica just nodded. I think she got the information she needed and the topic was closed. Plus, I could feel myself edging into mom-style lecture territory, and I certainly didn't want to do that.

Genesis, who had been silent through this, suddenly spoke up. She wasn't done with her questions yet. "What if he can keep it hard but can't, uh, finish?"

"Like, he can't ejaculate?" I asked over the girls' giggles.

"Yeah. He couldn't do that," Genesis replied when the giggles stopped.

"Was he drunk, Genesis?"

"Uh, not really..." she trailed off.

The cogs in my head went into overdrive. I'd only been in one situation like that. Coke. Cocaine dick was a whole different beast. Fuck.

"Fernie?" I asked and Genesis nodded. Fuck.

All three of us jumped when we heard the sing song voice of Penny, "Hey, chicas! How's it going down here? Are you helping Elle?"

Both girls were like deer in the headlights. I saved them. "Yep, they've been a big help. I really appreciate it."

"Fantastic," Penny chimed, clapping her hands together. "Well, Angelica's dad is here to pick them up."

Both girls got their purses. I wanted to talk more about what Genesis said, but the conversation was over the minute Penny walked in. As we said our good byes, Angelica whispered, "You're not going to tell, right?" I put my hand on her shoulder and nodded. I tried to give her the best smile I could, but it was half ass I'm sure, as my head was a mess thinking of little Fernie doing coke. I was never a fan of coke, but I'd be a hypocrite to be all judgey considering the shit I'd done, and sat around while others did when I was sixteen. Shit, and the stuff I still did.

"I'll pick you both up at ten o'clock Wednesday morning. Can you go to Genesis's house?" I whispered to Angelica. She nodded and waved good bye.

"I'll be in my office, Elle," Penny called over her shoulder as she walked the girls to the front lobby.

"OK." I lost myself in cleaning for the next three hours. When I was done, the kitchen was spotless, but my mind was in total disarray.

I went to Penny's office to tell her good bye. As I was walking out the door to leave, I turned back and asked, "Hey Penny, what's feria?"

"Feria? In Spanish?" I nodded. "It's like change or coins. You know, pennies and dimes."

"Oh, ok. I get it." I did now. They didn't want Penny to know. She was la feria. "Thanks. I'll see you next year."

"Thanks for your help and yeah, see you next year," la feria said with a giggle.

******

I dialed Chris once I was in the Monte. We hadn't decided what to do for New Years Eve.

She answered with her usual greeting. "Yo."

"Sup. You got any ideas for New Years?"

"Nothing besides spending it with Devon. That cool?"

"Yeah. Let me see what J is up to. I took Monday off work so we can get fucked up. I'll call you back?"

"Bet." We hung up and I dialed J.

"Hey babe. I was just thinking about you." I couldn't help the stupid grin that spread across my face when he said that. "But I'm always thinking about you, so it wasn't a coincidence." With that my smile managed to get even bigger. "Hello? Elle?"

"Sorry. Guys don't say nice things like that to me. I'm not sure how to answer."

"Well, figure it out cuz I'm going to be saying a lot of nice things to you for a long time," he responded playfully.

"OK." Yeah, I know 'OK' was lame, but it really was the best I had. I was in unfamiliar waters here. "So are you free New Year's Eve? Chris wants to hang with Devon, and I wanted to see if you were down to make it a foursome night?"

"Devon?"

"Cup Booty."

"She's still seeing him?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I could hook it up at Eight Oh Eight for us."

"What do you mean?" I was intrigued.

"Do you like surprises?" I imagined his eyebrow raising as he said this.

"Surprises like roofies. Ah, no. Surprises like homemade jewelry, yes."

He laughed. "Alright. Just trust me. Meet me at Eight Oh Eight around ten o'clock Sunday night. I'll send a car for you guys around nine-thirty."

"A car?"

"Yep. My girl is goin' in style this New Year's Eve." I got that stupid grin again from hearing him call me his. I was. Damn it, I totally was.

"Alright. I'll talk with you later then?"

"Yeah, sweetheart."

"Bye, J." A car? And a surprise? I called Chris right back and told her everything. She was over the moon. Whatever happened, I was sure this would be a New Year's I wouldn't forget.
Chapter 12

In order to get New Year's Eve and Day off, I worked Saturday night, my usual Eight Oh Eight night. Because New Year's Eve fell on a Sunday night, Saturday night was much slower than usual. There were six cooks on, but by nine o'clock Kevin told three of them to start cleaning up to leave. Larry, José, and I were closing down the kitchen, and made sure to get a "smoke break" in before the other three guys left. As it was freezing outside, we huddled in the utility room smoking in the dark, only the light at the end of the joint shining on us.

"So I heard you got some flowers." Damn. It didn't take Larry long to find out about J's gift, and I knew he'd bring it up as soon as he did.

"Yep."

"From that guy we saw at Checks?"

"Yep."

"So are you guys like, an item now?"

"We've been hanging out."

"Really, Elle?" Larry sighed, obviously unhappy with my answers. "Is that all you're going to say after a guy sends flowers to your job, AND gets the piglets all riled up?"

"I don't know, Larry. Do you want me to talk all about it? Ooohhh and then we can paint each others toes and talk about our periods," I mocked.

"Ay, mami, no period talk," José chimed in.

"I just want to make sure that if you're dating him, he's doing right by you. If any guy laid a hand on you or treated you wrong, I'd handle them just like I've handled the cooks here who don't treat you right."

"Larry," I turned to him in the dark and passed the joint. "I appreciate your concern, but I'm really not trynna talk about dudes in my life with you. If at any point he ain't treating me right, I'll let you know, and you can go as caveman as you want on him." I held in the laughter as I said this. J would so whoop Larry's ass.

"Simon, ese. I'd bust him up too," José said, making fake punches with the joint in his hand. "You wanna eat this?" José passed me the roach.

"Yeah. Let's go in before Kevin notices we are gone and comes bustin' our balls." Aaron would've joined in if Kevin wasn't on the clock.

"You don't have any balls, Elle. No huevos, no cajones," José taunted, grabbing his crotch as we exited the utility room.

"You wanna find out just how big my cajones are?" I asked José, while fake kicking him in the groin.

"Ay mamacita, no need to go loca on me. Don't wanna damage the family jewels." I shoved him in the back door. José was fast becoming one of the core group in the kitchen. He was a good cook, didn't flip out too much, and was cool as hell to kick it with. If I had to be closing on a Saturday night, I'm glad it was with Larry and José.

******

"So how's the volunteer gig going?" I was laying on Chris' bed, flipping through one of her fashion magazines while she tried on a variety of outfits. Once she chose her outfit, we were going to my house so I could get dressed, and we'd both do our hair and makeup there. Devon, AKA Cup Booty, was meeting up with us later.

"It's good. You won't believe the convo I had with two of my teen girls." I rolled over onto my stomach as Chris emerged in her latest outfit. "Oh, I like those pants. Are they new?" She had on a hot ass pair of red pants, slung low on her hips, with a straight leg. It was New Year's so there was no question we were wearing heels. She had on some black ankle boots.

"Yeah. I got them last week. Not sure if I'm feelin' the top." She had a black flowy peasant top on.

"Nope. Me neither. What about just a black tank and then maybe a necklace. The red pants are the star of the show here, so a frilly shirt's too much. The tank would be understated, but a longer necklace would spice it up a bit."

"Brilliant. What did the kids ask?"

"Dude, one of 'em wanted to know why her man couldn't keep his dick hard while they were fuckin'. I almost launched into it like I was talking to you, and then I remembered they're sixteen and I'm supposed to be a "role model" for them." I made air quotes.

"You're a good role model. You got you're shit together. You got a job and you're in school."

"And you're going to help me bag up weed in a couple days." I looked at her over the top of my glasses.

"Whatever. Cut yourself a break, girl. You got it together better than most. You tell the girls about whiskey dick?"

"Yep. Well, first I lectured them on birth control and condoms. I may not be the best role model in terms of weed, but I'm on ten when it comes to keepin' myself baby and STD free." I put my fist out as I said this and Chris bumped it.

"Word, bitch."

"And I even agreed to take them to Planned Parenthood on Wednesday. Oh, and can we bag weed on Tuesday? I have the day off and I'm going to pick it up around noon. Aaron works until five and is coming over right after. That cool?"

"Yeah Tuesday's cool. You like this necklace?" She came over to me with long silver necklace on. It was a series of circles connected with a silver bar between each one. It was long enough that she could loop it around twice and still have it hang low.

"Yeah, stagger the length so one round is lower than the other." I fixed the necklace for her. "I told the girls they couldn't tell anyone about the appointments, or the fact that I used the words 'whiskey dick' but I think they have as much to lose as me if their parents find out." I looked up to Chris holding two bracelets, and pointed to the thick silver one that looked like it'd been hammered on. "I'd go studs on the earrings since you got the necklace and bracelet."

"Yeah you're right. So the girl's man was drunk when they fucked and he couldn't keep it up?"

"Yep. He tried to tell her it was her fault."

"Fuck that! It ain't our fault mutha fuckas can't hold their liquor and keep their dick hard."

"That's what I told them. Only without all the cussing. Right at the end though, the other girl told me her man kept it hard, but couldn't nut. I wasn't able to ask anything else cuz Penny came into the kitchen. I've only had that happen in one circumstance."

"Coke?"

"Coke," I sighed.

"What are you gonna do?"

"I don't know. Coke and weed, for me, are not even close to being on the same level. Plus I know her man. Well, boy. He's a fucking teenager. At the Christmas Party I saw him doin' some kind of deal in the alley behind the building. I don't know what was going on, but I know some shady shit when I see it. And it was definitely shady. I assumed he was buying weed. But coke? Fuck. I don't even know what to do with that." I rolled on to my back. I couldn't go to Penny, and I wasn't sure about saying anything to Fernie. Chris saved me from my thoughts.

"Well, don't think about it tonight. Your hot ass man is hooking us up with a phat ass night, so let's enjoy it. I'm ready to go whenever. You wanna bounce?"

"Bet," I replied, rolling off the bed and onto my feet.

Chris and I took our time getting ready. Sometimes getting ready was the best part of the night. Tonight I hoped the fun would roll right into the club with us. Chris and I sipped a bottle of Merlot she had brought while we finished getting ready at my place.

I poked my head out of the bedroom, hiding my body from Chris who sat in my living room. "Sooooo, I bought this dress." I trailed off. I never wore dresses to Eight Oh Eight. I always felt more secure in pants. But I planned on having some 'out of the bed' sex at the club, and thought a dress would make it easier.

"Well get your ass out here so I can see." I gingerly tiptoed out in a cotton dress I found at a consignment shop. It was royal blue and tied around my neck halter style. The back was cut low, and it fanned out under my breasts, which were pushed up with a heavily padded strapless bra, giving me the most cleavage I'd ever had. The dress fell just above my knee. I paired it with gold heels and gold jewelry.

"WOW!" Chris' mouth hung open in an O. Yeah, I knew it'd be a shock. "That's hot ass shit. I thought for sure you'd go sexy librarian as always tonight. Nice boobage by the way."

I did a twirl for her. "I'm so out of my comfort zone, but fuck it. I'm 'bout to be fuckin' in the bathroom," I sang. I twirled until I felt dizzy. "Damn, I feel weird. Fuck. Maybe I should stick with sexy librarian. I can unbutton a couple buttons and still rock the boobage."

"Don't you dare!" Chris yelled, grabbing my arm and pulling me back from my room. "J's pants are gonna get prit-eeee tight when he sees you."

"You're gonna have to keep tellin' me that cuz I feel so—exposed." I did. At least in pants and heels I could rip my heels off and run like hell if needed. Not so easy in a dress. Who was I running from? I didn't know, but you could never be too prepared.

As if reading my mind Chris took my hand and got serious. "Nothing is going to happen with J there. Nothing. So work it in your hot ass dress, and for one night don't worry about that shit. Let him take care of you."

"Easier said than done," I mumbled, but agreed.

After our makeup was done, and my curls cascaded down my back, we called Devon to come over. It was nine so we were right on schedule, and a little buzzed already.

A car didn't show up for us, a limo did. And when it showed up, it was empty. I expected J to be in it. Booooo.

"Ooooh this is what I'm talkin' 'bout," Chris hollered, grabbing a bottle of Hennessey and some cups from the side bar in the limo.

"Is there Hypno?" I asked. No Henny for me. I needed to be coherent when we arrived. This was early for us to be out already.

"Yep," Chris said, grabbing the blue bottle to pour me a glass. "And a note." She passed it to me.

Hey babe. I'm at the club. Text me when you're in the lot and I'll come get you from the limo. Enjoy the Hypno. Can't wait to see you. J

I shoved the note in my little gold purse.

"So your man hooked this up?" Devon inquired.

"Yeah." Hmmm. My man. I liked the sound of that.

"Well ladies," Devon lifted his glass. "Let's toast. To beautiful company, and starting the new year in style, compliments of Elle's man, one cool cool cat." We all clinked glasses. I messed with some buttons on the ceiling, and hooked up some music for the drive. I leaned back with my drink, and enjoyed the moment while Jay-Z rapped about his ninety-nine problems. I may have some problems. Not ninety-nine. And a bitch surely wasn't one. In fact, this year was looking up, seeing as I had someone to kiss at midnight besides Chris. I was going to enjoy it, and put all my troubles aside, even if just for one night.

As promised, J met us at the limo after I texted him. By the time we had made it through traffic and into Eight Oh Eight, it was past ten. We bypassed the line to get in, and J walked us right past the bouncer who gave him the head nod as we passed through the doors. No purse check. No pat downs. These were standard practice on the clubbing' high holidays. St. Patty's Day, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, Halloween, New Year's Eve, etc.

The club was packed, but J led us to a section that was roped off. It seemed as if the seas parted for him as we made our way to the VIP section. There was a large round booth and table, along with two leather ottomans in the space. Hennessey, Hypnotic, Grey Goose Vodka, various juices, and mixers were set on the table next to glasses and a leather ice bucket. Fuck. This was some serious style. J promised style, and boy, did he deliver. For me!!

J opened the rope and we all went into our personal VIP section. I slid into the booth while Chris stayed standing, pouring us all drinks. "Vodka and Hypno, Elle?" I nodded. She knew what I liked.

"Hey there gorgeous." J leaned over and slowly kissed me below my ear. I shivered. "I love the dress. You should wear them more often."

"Well, I'm not really a dress kinda gal. More a pants and Jordan's gal, but I wore the dress especially for you." I smiled, slightly buzzed. "I have lots of plans." I ran my hand up the black slacks J wore, and rested it on his inner thigh.

"Oh you do now? What kind of plans?"

"Now now, you'll just have to wait and see. But if hell breaks loose and I gotta run for it, this dress isn't going to make that easy. So you gotta make sure to keep me safe." I was half teasing, half not.

J buried his head in the side of my neck, inhaling the perfume I sprayed in my hair. "I will always keep you safe. No matter where we are or what you wear." There was no joking in his voice when he said this, and despite my trust issues, I believed him. Though, with a smirk he added, "So you can wear dresses every time I see you—or nothing at all." He mimicked my hand roving, running his fingers up the inside of my thigh. Only mine wasn't covered in pants tonight. His hand felt like fire, leaving a path of heat where his fingers touched. I began to pant when he stopped, dangerously close to my goodies, but not exposing anything indecently.

"We need to toast before I'm straddling you in front of the whole club," I said, holding up the glass that Chris had made for me. "To a new year," I paused to look at J. "And to melting ice and steel." J smiled as we clinked glasses.

Chris and Devon clinked glasses with J and I. Chris screamed over the music, "To getting' laid on New Years!" That was definitely toasting material. It was my hope that this year's drought was official over with J in the picture, and that the New Year would be full of sex.

"Alright ladies and gents. I'm gonna take us back a bit. Put your glasses in the air if you are FUCKED UP!!" the DJ yelled into the microphone, before playing Salt Shaker by the Ying Yang Twins.

"Oh, I love this song," I said, pulling J up to dance. Rock was playing all my favorite old skool songs! Yeah by Ursher, Raise Up by Petey Pablo, Wanna Be a Balla by Lil Troy. He even took it all the way back to Juicy by Biggie. He played some of the newest tracks as well. I grinded my ass on J to the beats of Kanye and Jay-Z's Gotta Have It and J. Cole's Power Trip.

J and I danced until eleven-thirty when he ushered us all upstairs. We went into the room from the last time the four of us were together at Eight Oh Eight. He had a blunt of nuggs rolled up and waiting when we made it up the long stairway, and into the room that looked over the whole club. The music was being pumped into the room by surround sound speakers. Like last time, there was another assortment of liquors and mixers on the table. Chris busied herself making everyone drinks. Devon helped her as she was a little shaky on her heels. Oh yeah, she was fucked up. But Chris could handle her shit better than anyone I met so I wasn't worried. Plus we had the limo so we could all get as drunk as we wanted without having to drive. The cops would be out in full force tonight.

I heard the music turn down low, and the people below began the countdown. 10, 9, 8... This was the first New Year's Eve I was kissing someone besides Chris or Aaron. 7, 6, 5, 4... I felt J's arms wrap around me from behind. I laid my head against his chest and looked up. His eyes had been full of lust and desire all night as we grinded away in our VIP area. Now, I was looking up at soft eyes, full of love and adoration. I turned around and put my arms around his neck. 3, 2, 1. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! J leaned down, and gently pressed his lips against mine as Auld Lang Syne played in the background.

"You know what they say?" J asked, pulling back slightly while still hovering over my mouth. "Whatever you're doing at midnight on New Year's Eve is what you'll be doing for the next year."

I smiled at him. It was more like a sinister grin. Grabbing his hand I shoved him down on to the couch against the far wall. "Well, then we better make this as good as possible." J's eyes darkened to the point I couldn't tell the iris from the pupil, as I pulled down the fly of his pants, exposing his erect cock. He wanted this just as much as I did.

With that oh-so-sexy eye brow raise, J nodded towards Devon who had Chris pinned up against the glass window.

I held up two fingers, and pointed them at my eyes. "Just focus right here." I eased his pants down. He grabbed my hips and nodded. Of course he nodded! He was about to get semi-public New Years sex! Chris and I were close, though this was taking our friendship to the next level. I didn't care. My pussy had been aching all night to be filled, and J was the only one who could fill the void. I slid my panties to the side and eased down on J. We both moaned as I slowly sunk down onto him until his cock was fully sheathed in my drenched chasm. I sat there for a moment steadying myself. I leaned into J so I could whisper in his ear. "This is how we should spend every New Years."

"This is how I want to spend every night and every morning, with you and only you," was his reply. With that, he grabbed my hips and started moving me up and down on him. My muscles clenched around him. I'd never felt this intense sensation from penetration. It was like we were two pieces of a puzzle that fit together perfectly.

I bowed my head forward so my hair fell on J's chest. He leaned up, and stuck his tongue deep in my cleavage, licked a trail up and around my neck, finally ending by sucking my ear lobe into his mouth. "You feel so good. No one's ever felt this good. What are you doing to me?" I was panting and breathless, barely able to get my words out.

He grunted and flipped me over so I was lying on the couch. He had one leg bent between me and the couch, and the other one firmly planted on the ground so he could pound into me. "You're mine, Elle. Fucking mine." I reached up and wrapped my hands around his biceps. They were rock solid like his cock thrusting into me. I could feel he was close to release. The pent up sexual frustration we'd acquired shoving our bodies against one another on the dance floor all night was making this all happen in warp speed.

He grabbed my hands with one of his and put them above my head. I arched my back, pushing myself against him so he was deeper inside me. J leaned backwards a bit, and I felt his hand move in between our bodies. I closed my eyes and gripped the arm of the couch as his finger pinched my clit.

"Oh my God. I'm gonna. I'm gonna." I couldn't get the words out. The tsunami that was building inside me with each of his thrusts exploded as his hands continued pinching and releasing my clit. I couldn't take it. I felt like I was going to tear in half if the orgasm continued.

"No more. I can't, J. I can't"

"You can." J pushed into me as deep as he could. I felt his balls rubbing against my ass. One more pump and he stiffened, then groaned, throwing his head back. He sounded like a lion roaring when he came. The eroticism of that sound made my orgasm last a few extra seconds to take me through his. We were beasts in heat, clutching each other, like we wanted to rip one another apart. Only we didn't want to rip, we wanted to merge into one being, crawl inside each other and never come out.

J lay down on me, propping part of his weight on one arm. My walls were still pulsating around him. We were both spent, breathing like we'd run a marathon.

With labored breaths, we exchanged soft kisses. "Can you stand up?"

I shook my head from side to side, my breaths still coming out in short pants. "Not sure."

J stood up and fixed his pants, then reached a hand out to me. I grabbed it and let him pull me up. We walked towards a door I hadn't realized was behind the couch, and into an en suite bathroom. He handed me a warm washcloth, and the proceeded to clean himself up with another.

"We just fucked in front of your friend, you know."

I waved my hand as if it was nothing. "Eh, I've let Chris fuck on my couch while I'm asleep. I'm sure she didn't mind." I stuck my head out the door, and then turned back to J with a grin. "He's got her pinned against the mirror. I think the're handling business themselves."

J threw his head back and laughed. "You're a trip."

"Turn around. I have to pee."

"Really? After what we just did, with an audience no less?" I shrugged. He turned around though. "Can we stay at your place tonight?" That was odd. We rarely stayed at my place. J must've taken my silence as hesitation. "There's people at my house."

"MM people?" I couldn't imagine he'd ditch friends or family at his house on New Year's.

"Yeah."

OK, so I could ask him what they were doing, why they were in his house, why he wasn't with them, and when they would be gone. But I didn't. I wasn't ready for that information yet. I was still digesting everything. This night had been spectacular, and I wasn't ready for it to end. Although, I was ready to get out of there for round two with J. "Yeah that's fine. We can stay at my place."

I poked my head out of the bathroom, and Chris and Devon seemed to be finished. Ha! I caught Chris' eyes, and did a head nod towards the bathroom. She caught my drift, and I held the door for her as she stepped inside.

"Stay with me for a sec."

I held up one finger to tell J I would be right back, and closed the bathroom door while Chris went to the bathroom. We didn't turn around for each other. "Well that was something," I told her with a cheesy grin.

"Fuckin' A girl. We just took our friendship to the next fucking level right there. Bump it." I bumped the fist she was holding up. "So what's up? You wanna go dance?"

"I was gonna get outta here, and take J back to my place. I'm not done yet." All of this was said with that cheesy grin still in place.

"Your place? That surprises me."

I just shrugged. I didn't really want to say why we were going to my place. "You gonna stay? I can have J keep the limo ready for you guys."

"That's what I'm talking 'bout! I fuckin' love you, girl. I'm having the greatest night." Chris pretty much yelled this at me. The dancing and sex sobered me up quite a bit. Not Chris. She was lit. And having a blast. I was happy for her. Cup Booty, er, Devon seemed like a cool dude. I was happy to see my friend happy.

I hugged her as she sat on the toilet. "I love you too. But if you're holding on to me while you take a shit, I might hafta smack ya," I told her.

We both laughed, and Chris got herself together so we could walk out. I wasn't sure how the boys were going to be with each other. Would they be embarrassed? Chris and I were as close as sisters. But guys could be weird about stuff. Luckily, when we exited the bathroom, they seemed to be having amicable conversation.

"Damn girl. I thought you fell in!" Devon exclaimed, as Chris went to sit on his lap.

I looked to J. "They're gonna stay. Can you arrange for the limo to take them home?"

His eyebrows shot up. "We're not staying?"

I ran my finger down his chest, and looked up into his coal eyes. "No. I've got plans for you, sir."

That was all it took for J to start a round of goodbyes. The limo was going to take J and me to my place, and then come back and wait in the parking lot for Chris, whenever she and Devon were ready to leave. I loved J for setting this all up. I loved J? Where'd that come from? Did I love him? I quickly tucked those thoughts into the back of my head. I was definitely not in the place, nor was it the time to be contemplating love.

******

Three orgasms later, J and I were lying in my bed, limbs entwined. My bed was next to a window, and I cracked it a bit. We were both sweaty once we finally sated ourselves out. A light breeze blew across us, and I snuggled further into J's body.

"Want me to close it?" J asked, motioning to the window.

"No. Leave it for a minute. It gives me a reason to stay wrapped up in you." I held him tighter. "Thank you for tonight."

He kissed the crown of my head. "It was my pleasure. All my pleasure."

"Well, I had quite a bit of pleasure too," I said, poking J in the side.

"And that was my pleasure as well." How did I get this man? Why did he want me?

"Why do you want me?" Oh, I don't think I meant to say that out loud. I burrowed my head into J's chest and mumbled, "Nevermind."

He sat up a bit, and leaned against the headboard, pulling me up with him. "Look at me," he gently demanded. I brought my gaze up to him. His eyes were serious, and a bit wistful, as if he was deep in thought while staring right at me. "I can't imagine why you would be asking that question, since I imagine you know how amazing you are, and how any guy would be lucky to have a minute of your time. But in case you don't know, I'll tell you. You're amazing Elle, an enigma among women. You're fun and playful, yet serious when you need to be. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when you dominate in the kitchen. I can only imagine it. Shit, I get hard imagining you barking orders to those guys all night. Despite what you've lived through, you aren't jaded and angry. You take care of yourself without help from anyone. You're smart, but don't shove it in people's face. You command a room when you walk in, and sometimes you don't even realize it. I've never met a woman who had your strength without being cold and heartless."

"Wow. I have totally been called cold and heartless!" I laughed. I had been called cold more than once by separate guys. Cold as ice. That was the way many men from my past described me, but they never saw the REAL me. They'd never gotten past the ice to see the fire. J had gotten farther than any man.

"Maybe so, but to me, you're soft, yet strong, willing to let me in when you could have closed down. You shine your light on me, and it blinds me with all that is good in this world. I know this is scary for you, and it is for me too. I told you I had a woman before. She acted the part. Well, I didn't know she was acting. I thought she loved me. But when push came to shove, she just wanted me for my affiliations, and what I could buy her. It wasn't about me at all. It was about the life I was living. She wanted to be a part of it, and saw me as the key." He paused, reflecting on what he said. Or maybe what was to come next. In a barely audible tone, he told me, "She wanted a life I don't even want."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. We just weren't on the same page, but I was too blind to see it. I swore I'd never let anyone get that close again. Yet here I am, in your bed, imagining what it'd be like to wake up next to you every morning. To fall asleep, feeling your hair against my chest. To take you on the back of my bike as soon as it's warm enough, and cross the country with you. To have adventures and make memories with you." He paused. "As incredible as that sounds, I'm scared too, Elle. Even though I know you want me for me, I also know you could decide at any moment to never see me again and... and... the thought of that kills me, shatters me."

I reached up and cupped his cheek in my hand. He had just laid himself out, and I felt it only fitting I do the same. I threw my leg over J and sat up straddling him. I took his face in both my hands, and leaned in for a soft kiss. I held my lips over his, not moving, savoring the touch of his lips against mine. The smell of him, the feel of him. "I'm right there with ya, baby," I said against his lips. I pulled back a fraction of an inch. "I'm not going anywhere." I stared into his eyes, pools of black, illuminate the moonlight streaming through the open window. He looked into my golden eyes and smiled.

Before I knew what was happening, I was on my back and he was on top of me, holding himself up with his forearms that were on either side of me. "You definitely aren't going anywhere with me on top of you."

I played along. "Well, what about when I have to eat? Or use the bathroom?" I grinned.

"Hmmmm. I guess I could let you up for those things, if you promise to come right back."

I poked him in his chest. "I will make no such promises, mister!" His face fell for a fraction of a second. "I will though, promise to never lie to you and that I only want you, nothing else. I like being with you. You make feel—safe and warm." I pulled his head down so his ear was next to my mouth and whispered, "Just don't shatter me either, OK?"

I closed my eyes and felt his breath above my lips. "Never, Elle. Never." He kissed me and round three commenced. Or was it round four?
Chapter 13

Things were always slow at the restaurant right after New Year's, making it a perfect time to take a few days off. So when I woke up the next day, my back to J and both his arms around me, I reveled in the fact that I had the next two days free of Applebee's. It would be Thursday before I had to go back to work.

I replayed the last few weeks in my head. Is it possible to feel change? It's usually after the fact that we realize change has occurred and why it happened. The other option is that it is quick and deliberate, like cussing your boss out and quitting your job. My life was changing. I knew it. But it was neither quick nor deliberate. In fact, I didn't know what my life was changing to, or when it began to occur.

Once, in my teens, I found myself sitting on a couch, bullets whizzing by, and I thought to myself, "Well fuck. Here we go again. I thought I was past this shit. Guess not. Let's retrace our steps." I was surprisingly calm considering I could've died, but I really thought that, and then went step by step through my actions. I'd been with my friend at one of his friend's house. I'd been there before, and I knew his friend was way wilder than me, but I wasn't uncomfortable. I smoked weed with these guys various times, so I didn't think it was a big deal. We were all just kickin' it, waiting for the weed guy to come through. He came through... and he brought bullets with him. Who was after the weed guy and why was not of my concern. In that moment, I realized I made a decision to put myself in a situation where something like a drive by could happen. I made specific decisions that put me on that couch when a car decided to strike their attack. All I wanted was a sack of weed. Fuck, it wasn't even good shit, it was total schwagg.

I was about to start retracing my steps to see how I had ended up in the bed with J, when I felt him move behind me. I turned around and pushed my cheek against his bare chest. He mumbled something, but didn't open his eyes. He just held me tighter, and threw his leg over mine. I tilted my hips toward him and slipped my leg between his. He ground himself into me in his sleep. I could feel he was hard. I licked my hand and slipped it between us. Slowly, I ran my hand up and down his cock until it was fully erect. I titled my hips, and used the heel of my foot to push on the bed so I could slide him into me.

I lay there for a second, full of him, clenching my walls around him. It'd never felt this good to be wrapped around a man's cock. With gentle movements, I began to move my pelvis back and forth, loving the feel of him inside me. I reached my hands up and put them around J's neck. I used him for leverage to push myself deeper onto him. He mumbled something, and I felt him begin to stir. He pulled me against him, and started matching my movements with his hips. At this angle, my clit was rubbing against him each time he pushed into me. It happened so fast. Maybe it was due to the illicit feeling of initiating sex with a man who was still sleeping, or the way our bodies fit together so that his cock rubbed my G-spot while my clit rubbed against him. Whatever it was, it was sexplosive. With my hands still around J's neck, I threw my head back and screamed my release.

When the stars dissipated and I looked back at J, he was awake and watching at me, devouring me with his coal eyes. He'd seen me come apart screaming his name, and that was all he needed to finish the job for himself. He pulled me further against his body, and held my head against his chest. Two more thrusts and he was groaning his own release, one hand shoved deep into my hair, and the other molded around the small of my back.

We lay there, still connected and breathing heavy. J held my head in both hands, and gently pulled me back so he could look me in the eye. He wore a ginormous grin. "Damn, baby. That's the way to start the New Year."

I grinned back and kissed him. I could feel his smile against mine. "I thought so too."

"Can we do that a few more times today?"

With his cock still in me I told him, "I've gotta make a run at noon, but we can see how much we can fit in before then. First you've gotta let me up to go to the bathroom."

"Ah, I want to. I really do. But my dick doesn't seem ready to leave yet." He punctuated this with a semi-erect thrust.

"Well, tell your dick to hold on for thirty seconds and then he can climb back in."

J let go of me and looked at where our bodies connected. "Did you hear that?" he said loudly. "She said thirty seconds." He looked back up at me and pulled out. "1, 2, 3, 4..."

I shook my head at him as I walked to the bathroom. I did my business and as I exited the bathroom, J entered, probably to take care of his own business. I crawled into bed and yelled, "20, 21, 22..." Good thing men are ten times quicker in the bathroom than women, because he was back inside me before I made it to 30.

******

"What are you doing at noon?"

Despite the closeness J and I developed, a closeness that was something I never allowed anyone before, I still had moments of dodgey-ness. Why didn't I want to tell him? I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed. I was just so used to keeping my life private. Chris and Aaron knew the most about me, Chris more so, but there were even things she didn't know. I learned at some point that it was better to keep your moves private. Loose lips could bite you in the ass. So when I opened my mouth to tell J, I was plunging into uncharted waters. "I'm getting weed."

"I could have gotten you some." I got my last sack of nuggs off J.

"It's schwagg."

I was lying against his chest as he stroked his fingers up and down my arm. That last comment made him stop and look down at me. "Schwagg?"

"You say it like it's a dirty word." I laughed, because that is exactly how I said it.

"Sweetheart, it is a dirty word!" He winked. "Why are you buying—I can't even say it." He pretended to be appalled.

"You dork. I'm gonna break it up and sell it off." I tried to say it casually. I didn't do a good job. Or maybe there was no way I could've said it and sounded casual to him. He sat up against the head board, and he did so with huffs and puffs. Men! I rested on my side, holding my head with my open palm. His gorgeous face was twisted into a scowl when he opened his mouth. I knew there'd be questions.

"Why are you selling it?"

"Why are you freaking out?"

"I'm not. I just didn't know you sold. I thought you were just a purchaser."

I sat up. "There's a lot of things you don't know about me."

He looked at the ceiling, seemingly annoyed. I pushed my glasses onto my head, and pinched the bridge of my nose. "I'm sorry. Look, I'm not trying to be vague or cryptic. It's just, there's lots of things you don't know about me. Or I guess things I do that you don't know about. I'm not trying to hide anything from you. It's just not my nature to spill all my shit. I'm used to keeping what I do to myself. You know, close to the cuff? When something comes up though, I'll tell you, like now. But it's hard for me to just start rambling off all my secrets."

He was thoughtful for a moment. Probably contemplating the things he did that I didn't know about. I guess it was a little different. I knew there were things about him I didn't know. He didn't know all the sordid details of my past. All the stupid decisions I made, and how I got out of the repercussions op them, some with ease and others not so much. "I get it. I know all about keeping shit quiet. How much are you getting?"

I could go for my best nonchalant voice, but I was pretty sure it wouldn't make any difference. The next words out of my mouth were going to shock him no matter what tone of voice I used. "Half pound."

Yep. "What the—a half pound? I assumed like a couple ounces."

"Yeah... OK, lemee just break it all down for you, cuz I know you're gonna trip til I do. So I have a guy who'll take four ounces off the bat. He always does. The rest will mostly go to folks at the restaurant and a couple of their friends. Most sales beside the four ounces will go down at work. Some people at work won't even know it came from me. I'll cut Larry a deal to slang a couple sacks for me to the servers. I don't trust the piglets like the cooks, who I'll just sell outright to. I'll make around $400 in a couple days. I'll buy text books. And I'll do it again in August."

"Wow. That's kinda a lot to take in."

I just shook my head. Yep, that's me. What could I say? I wasn't even going to bring up the money my mom gave me, and the fact that I didn't actually need the money this time. The wheels were already set in motion. I would piss off my dealer if I backed out on an order for a half pound. Plus I'd been doing this for two years with this guy, so I didn't want to lose the connect. Hell if I knew if my crazy ass mother would be dolling out cash each semester.

"I know you're different from other girls. I mean, you handle your shit like a dude sometimes. You told me how you figured out girls get broke on the streets, so you decided to not be a bitch who ended up broken. I get that's why you're you, a cool ass chick. I like it. Hell, I bet all those fuckers in the kitchen love it. I guess I just forget sometimes though, cuz I've gotten to see the REAL Elle. And not many women I know sell quantity. For text books no less. It's rather resourceful actually."

"That I am, resourceful that is. Are you still freaked out?"

He pulled me to him, and I threw my leg over his lap as I leaned my head against his shoulder. "No. I wasn't freaked out. You just caught me off guard. I'm still peeling back the onion. So what are you up to this evening then? I should have my place back if you wanna come over."

I laughed.

J pulled back and looked me in the eye. "What's funny?"

"What I'm about to tell you is funny, cuz you're so gonna to be surprised by this too."

He grabbed me closer. "Lay it on me, woman."

"Chris and Aaron are coming over. We're gonna to go play by play through each of our New Year's Eve shenanigans. Aaron's shenanigans will no doubt include a variety of men, in a variety of positions, and will undoubtedly out do me and Chris' shenanigans by far. While we do this, we'll bag the weed and Chris will whine the whole time cuz I won't let her get high until we have broken up all the weed and bagged it. This is Aaron's first go at a Bagging Night Extravaganza but I'm pretty sure he won't like my No Smoking Until Bagging Is Done rule, so I anticipate some whining from him too. Chris has been with me for the last two semesters. The first two I did alone. I'm hoping Aaron will make the process go faster, and keep Chris from complaining too much. I'll unload the four ounce sack while they're both still at my place. Then I'll sell the rest, hopefully by the end of the weekend."

J was stunned. "Wow. You really have this down to a science." He grabbed his crotch. "I'm kinda hard for some reason." I laughed at him, and put my hand over his to find out for myself if he really was hard. Affirmative. "You're pretty bad ass, woman." I was bad ass. But he was strong, and I quickly found myself pinned underneath him.

I wrapped my arms around his head, and pulled him down for a kiss. Against his lips I smiled, and told him that this had to be a quickie or I'd never make it to pick up the weed on time. It was a quickie, but damn if that man couldn't make me come at the snap of his fingers. I got two orgasms in before I left to get the weed.

******

Aaron got to my apartment after his shift and Chris had been there for an hour. I was right in my initial plan. Recruiting Aaron made everything go quicker, and Chris was a much more pleasant crew member. I was also correct in my assumption that Aaron would have the wildest New Year's Eve story. At one point, I shook my head in disbelief and told him, "I thought I knew all the sexual stuff possible, but damn Aaron, that's some shit I've never even heard of, but I sure as hell am gonna try it." Chris nodded, and quickly texted Devon. "Well, some of it. I don't think I can lick an asshole." We all broke into giggles.

After we were done bagging, I put the call in to Antoine. He was getting the four ounce sack. I met him back in the day when I was a teen. We weren't really friends, but he ran the streets like me, so we knew one another from around the way. I saw him on campus my second semester in college. I was on my way to the parking garage, and was headed to a friend's house to pick up a few ounces to sell off. We shot the shit for a minute. Swapped stories. Like me, he had a taste of the real world, and was smart enough to realize he wanted more than folding shirts at Macy's for the rest of his life. Also like me, he was still a weed smoker, though he had scaled it back from when we were young, and high 24/7. He bought the four ounce sack, and said that would last him all semester. It was a win-win for us both. He got weed for a good deal, and I always knew I could unload four ounces. It meant I could get more quantity and make more money.

Chris met Antoine, and they had flirted a little, but nothing came of it. Or nothing that she told me about. When he came through, I always smoked him out with my good shit. When the doorbell rang, Chris jumped to get it. She knew I would finally let her get high. I introduced Aaron to Antoine, we all puffed, caught up on old times, and new, and everyone went home. I did have this down to a science.

******

On Wednesday, I went to Genesis's house at 10am like I'd told her and Angelica. They were both waiting outside, and jumped in my car as soon as I pulled up.

"Aw snap Elle, this car is nice!" Angelica was impressed with the Monte. Who wouldn't be? She was awesome.

"Thanks. Do you ladies want to know what you're in store for, or do you wanna to be surprised?" I meant it as a joke, but they both got wide eyed. I guess it wasn't funny for a fifteen and sixteen year old. Ah fuck it. It was funny to me. "Sorry ladies. Trust me, you want to know what to expect." I explained how a typical gynecologist visit went. They weren't too thrilled, but I told them it was part of being a woman, and if they were having sex they needed to be safe about it. I explained that they would be given different birth control options, and would be walking out of there with one. I wasn't budging on this. I'd threaten with telling their parents if either one tried to leave the clinic without a birth control plan. Finally, I told them to get all the STD tests the nurse offered. That freaked them out. I knew it would.

"Look ladies, if you have something, you wanna know. Every time you have a new partner you should both be tested before you have sex. You don't know who those boys have been with, and what STDs they may have picked up. But I know that's not how it always goes, so at least get tested every time you come for your annual. It's just peeing in a cup really. You wanna have sex, well this is part of keeping yourself protected. You should always ALWAYS use condoms, because birth control only keeps you from getting pregnant. But still, you get the STD test every time anyway." I could preach condoms all day because I was pretty sure they weren't always using them, but I think they were saturated with sex ed for the moment. Hell, I was getting myself tested while I was here. I had the IUD and was tested recently. I'd shown J the results and we stopped using condoms. He showed me his own results, but it's not like we did it together. He said he hadn't slept with anyone since he'd gotten tested, but how did I know for sure? Let's hope this didn't come back to bite me in the ass, or burn me in the coochie as it may be.

We walked in and were all given clip boards. I came to Planned Parenthood regularly since I was sixteen when I bought my first car, so I just had a few forms to fill out. Both girls had a packet. As we sat down, I could tell both of them were freaked out. Oh, it was only going to get worse, but I tried to put them at ease as much as I could. I reminded them they didn't need a parent with them, and this was all confidential. The doctors and nurses could not call their parents and release any medical information unless they feared one of the girls was going to harm themselves or someone else, or if they were in a potentially violent relationship. I'd gotten the spiel when I was a teen. I knew it well. If one thing sunk in, it was the condom speech. I was a diligent condom user. Why that lesson sunk in without me having to fuck up, I'll never know. But I was going to be twenty-three in two months, and I was kid free and STD free. And damn it, I was proud. (insert Rocky steps here)

"I'll probably be done first, so I will just be waiting out here in the lobby for you. Just let me know if you need anything and I'll come back, but it'll be OK. All women do this at some point. It's not pleasant, but it doesn't really hurt and its part of being a woman and an adult." Both girls just nodded, eyes wide as saucers. That was about the best pep talk I had in me.

I was called back first, so I was released to the lobby before the girls were finished. I checked my phone for messages since I had it on silent while in the clinic. There was one missed call and a text from J.

J: free tonight?

I'm sure I had a silly grin on my face. He did that to me.

ME: yep

J: dinner at my place?

ME: what time?

J: as soon as you can get here and get naked

Ok, I know I had the cheesiest of all cheesy grins plastered across my face after that text.

ME: k. should be done in an hour or so.

J: i'll b waiting

ME: naked?

J: maybe

ME: mmmm can't wait :)

J: me neither. but I will. for u. only for u. and always for u

Damn, he was sweet. I was about to respond when a nurse called my name. Fuck. I better not have chlamydia. J wouldn't be sweet if he'd given me some shit.

"Ms. Skye?"

"Yes? That's me. Is something wrong?" Fuck, fuck, fuck. I was so close to being able to rhyme, 'twenty three and STD free'. I'd come up with that a while ago, and thought it was the shit. I'd planned to say that for my entire twenty third year of life. Damn it if my rhyme was getting fucked up with some mother fucking chlamydia.

"Angelica Perez is asking for you. Her and her friend are with the nurse discussing birth control options, and they asked for you to come back."

"Oh, yeah sure." I followed her back, thanking the lord I wasn't going to be burning when I pissed any time soon.

I went back into the little room where the girls were with a nurse. The room was made for two people, not really for four. We were... cozy... while we discussed birth control options. I had the IUD. I felt like I would forget the pill. I think the girls were overwhelmed with their options.

"Genesis, Angelica, look at me. You both look like you're about to freak out." I reached out and took both of their hands. "It's OK. This is your body and your choice. The pill you have to take every day at the same time. Do you think you can remember that?" They were holding hands (the ones I wasn't holding) and looked at each other, still wide eyed.

They exchanged words in Spanish and Genesis apparently was the designated spokesperson. "No." OK. At least they were honest.

"Ok, no pill. I'm gonna keep it real for you. The patch is going to show, and there is a risk your parents will see it. Did she talk to you about the ring?"

Again, they deliberated in Spanish, and Genesis spoke for them. "We don't want the ring either. We want the shot."

I looked at the nurse. "Is that something that can be handled today?"

"Of course. I've explained to the girls how it works, and that they will have to come back in three months. Can you help them remember?"

"Yeah, for sure. Should I go back in the waiting room then?"

Angelica fired off some Spanish to Genesis. "Can she stay?" Genesis asked the nurse.

"Absolutely. Let's go back in the exam room, and I'll get everything ready." The nurse led us out of the tiny room and into one of the exam rooms. Each girl got the shot, and a brochure with information and a number for the clinic. I made the girls program the number for the clinic in their phones. When I told them to do this, they freaked out about their parents seeing.

"Make up something to put it under. Like, Clean Cat." They both laughed and programed their phones with Clean Cat.

I had them wait outside while I paid. Because I had a job, I had to pay, but the girls were free as they had no income. God bless Planned Parenthood. While I was at the desk signing the credit card receipt, the nurse came out and asked to speak with me privately. Aw fuck. Now the test had come back and I had chlamydia. Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck. I walked back through the door and the nurse pulled me to the side of the hallway.

"Do I have chlamydia?" I blurted out.

"No. Well, I won't know until I run your urine sample. Remember, no news is good news. If you don't receive a call by the end of the business week, you're fine."

"Oh, sorry." I knew this drill. Why was I freaking out? "I'm sorry."

"Ma'am, I just wanted to say thank you for bringing those girls in today. They would've never come on their own, but with your help we might've just kept two more young women from having an unintended pregnancy. Coming here today could mean the difference between them being teen parents, or graduating high school and going to college. Not that teen parents can't do those things, but it's a lot easier when you don't have a child to care for. They're lucky to have someone like you in their life who is willing to come here with them."

I was speechless. "Um, thanks." Really, I had no idea what to say. The previous night I'd been bagging weed to sell so I could buy text books, and today this woman was telling me Genesis and Angelica were lucky to have me in their lives. "Well, I guess I'll see you in three months." I shook the nurse's hand and took the girls home. There wasn't a lot of conversation on the way back to Genesis's house. I was sorta in a daze, contemplating the last twenty-four hours. The girls were abnormally quiet, but I figured it'd been an intense morning for them, so I didn't press for conversation.

I pulled up to Genesis's house and reminded the girls one more time. "I'm proud of you. You did something very responsible today and it took guts. You should feel good knowing you're taking control of your body and making sure you're safe. You both have the condoms the nurse gave you?" Both girls held up their brown paper bags. "I also want to remind you that this never happened. Right?" They both nodded. "Ok, well there's no program tonight, so I'll see you next week. And we'll go back to the clinic in three months, yeah?"

Angelica leaned into the car and hugged me. "Thanks Elle. You're muy chida."

"We think you're cool," Genesis chimed in.

"My pleasure ladies. Enjoy the rest of your Christmas vacation."

I waved good bye and drove off. Once home, I packed a bag before going to J's. It was back to work on Thursday.

******

After J and I had dinner, clam chowder in bread bowls, and then desert, whip cream that we ate off each other, I was once again laying in his arms. "Should we change the sheets?" I asked him.

"In a minute. I'm not ready to move yet."

"Mmmm, me neither." I snuggled into him. We were sticky, but I was oblivious to it as I basked in the afterglow of the orgasms I stopped counting at some point. "I had an interesting morning."

"Why's that?"

"I took two teenage girls to Planned Parenthood."

J laughed. "When will the things that come out of your mouth stop amazing and intriguing me?"

I shrugged. "Maybe never."

"Hopefully. Who were these girls?"

"They're from the teen program I volunteer with."

J looked at me like I had a second head growing out of my neck. "You volunteer with teens?"

"I haven't told you?" Hmmm. I guess that one had slipped my mind. I'd been tight lipped about it with Chris for so long. I guess I forgot J didn't know either. "That's what I do on Wednesday evenings."

"I'm not even sure what to say. Do we talk about this?" J asked.

"The volunteering or the trip to Planned Parenthood?"

"Either one, I guess."

"They were having sex and needed to be on birth control. So I took them." I said it straight up, like it was the obvious thing to do. At least it was to me.

"Fuck Elle, I never asked if you were on birth control. I'm sorry. I just assumed since we stopped using condoms, and the test results and all—" he trailed off. "Fuck. Is everything OK?"

His concern was one of the many sweet things about this giant of a man I'd come to adore. "I have the IUD."

"The what?"

"Don't worry. I'm covered. No babies. But if I get some crazy STD test results back, I might have to stab you."

J laughed. I didn't. He didn't know I was serious, but he figured it out real quick. "I'm good. You saw. And there hasn't been anyone for a long time."

Now I was the one laughing. "I find that hard to believe," I scoffed.

"You're not the only one with dry spells. After Kate, I was a little jaded. Didn't really get close to anyone for a while. I got a blow job here and there but couldn't bring myself to do the deed with anyone. Plus, other things were on my mind."

"We don't need to talk about this now. So long as there's no burning pee, we don't need to talk about past lovers. I don't want to know about yours, and I assume you don't want to know about mine."

"Why Eleanor, I thought you were a virgin before I met you," J said, with a twinkle in his eye.

I used his signature wink on him. "Of course I was." I snuggled in closer. "Are we going to change the sheets?"

He let out a loud belly laugh. "Hop in the shower. I'll change the sheets and meet you in there."

I kissed him. "You're amazing."

"I know."

I smacked him as I got up and walked to the bathroom. "Hurry up, Mr. Amazing!"

"Yes, Mrs. Amazing." Ohhhhh. Mrs. I should've been freaked out, but I found myself looking into the mirror, and seeing a woman covered in sticky whip cream residue with a giant smile on her face.
Chapter 14

Sometimes life changes and you don't even realize it. One day a slow progression of changes suddenly becomes apparent. Other times, change happens like a flash of lightening and your life is different in a blink of an eye. Both can be scary or exciting. It can make or break you, or your life. My life was changing, and I was moderately aware. It was an exciting change. A good change, so I didn't notice enough to analyze. That was the tricky thing about slow change; you didn't have the opportunity to weigh the pros and cons. It wasn't a raging river, it was a babbling brook that lulled you into security.

A new routine formed after the New Year. I saw J a few times a week. Sometimes four or five times, sometimes just once or twice. He was gone for a day here and there, or a few days if necessary. I knew his trips always involved business. I didn't ask, but that didn't mean I wasn't curious. He often came to my place after I was already in bed. More than not, he showered before he got in bed with me. Some nights, he'd crawl in bed and curl his body around mine, both us surrendering to sleep quickly. Other nights, he'd come to bed and we'd have sex. Desperate sex. Like he'd had a bad night, and was clutching me as if his life depended on it. Those nights, I usually had multiple orgasms before falling into a sex induced coma. I don't think he fell right asleep though, which is weird for guys, right?

I also started noticing little things about him. Outside of New Year's, he wore a standard wardrobe of jeans, t-shirts, and hoodies. He flipped between Jordans and boots. I saw mostly Jordans though. I think the boots were for business. His hair looked perfect all the time. Morning, night, after having my hands in it for hours. It was like he was immune to hat head. He once caught me staring at his hair, and laughed when I told him my theory on his hat head immunity.

He wasn't flashy or overly outgoing, but he had a presence about him. Of course, some of it was his size. That alone called attention to him when he walked into a room. Crowds naturally parted for him. He wasn't quiet, but he chose his words with care. He wasn't a verbal vomiter, as Aaron could be at times (though I loved Aaron for this). No, J chose each word that left his mouth deliberately.

Like me, he had his public and private face. In private, he was quick to laugh. I loved hearing his laugh because it was deep and real. In public, you were lucky to get a full smile from him. He wasn't overly touchy in public. This worked for me, as I was not one for major public displays of affection. Now fucking in the alley behind the bar, eh, that was a different matter.

He did touch me though, in subtle ways that let people in public know I was his and he was mine. He'd put his hand on my shoulder as we walked, or wrap his arm around my waist when we were standing in line at Starbucks. In the past, these subtle, yet possessive gestures would have sent me running for the hills. From J, I ate it up. I found myself falling harder and harder for him as the days passed.

We were lying in bed one unseasonably warm night in March. The window was open, and a slight breeze blew over me as I lay in J's arms. He was drawing random shapes on my back with his fingers, as he often did on various parts of my body while we lay in the afterglow of the always amazing sex we had. I was tracing the eagle on his shoulder.

"You wanna ride tomorrow?"

I looked up at him. "I get to ride finally? Fuck yeah!"

"I didn't know you were so anxious."

"You remember that first night at Checks when I saw you? I was in my work clothes?" He nodded. "I saw you in the corner with your boys. Somehow I knew you guys owned the shiny bikes sitting outside. I imagined riding on the back of yours. Jesse and Larry kept calling me on my lack of conversational participation."

"Conversational participation?" J quirked an eyebrow.

I laughed. "I wasn't saying much. I was lost in fantasies about you and that bike. When your friends pulled off and you saw me outside, the rumble of the bikes... Fuck, I felt it between my legs. I'm pretty sure that was the first night you starred in my masturbation fantasies."

He was quiet for a second. Shit, had I say too much? Sometimes my mouth got away with me. I thought it was part of what J liked about me, but I was thinking I might need to reassess.

"Damn, Elle. I was just about to fall into a nice peaceful sleep, but I'm hard as a fucking rock now." He grabbed my hand and put it on his cock to prove it. I guess there was no need to reassess. "I swear you have no idea how the shit that comes out of that mouth of yours affects me."

"Um." Yeah, how does one respond to that? You're welcome?

My speechlessness drew a gentle rumble out of J. "Don't laugh at me."

He rolled over, and wrapped his arms underneath me, so his forearms supported my back and my head rested in his giant hands. "I'm not laughing at you. It's a compliment. I love discovering all the layers of Elle. And your masturbation fantasies are one helluva layer." He chuckled again. "And it's why I can't get enough of you. You keep surprising me. I wait for the day when I know every inch of your mind like I know every inch of your body. But I hope that day never comes, cuz I love discovering new layers of you." He laid a gentle kiss on my lips.

I wrapped my arms around his torso and returned his kiss. "I guess this ride is another one of your layers for me to discover. I mean, I know you ride, and I know about your cut and all, but it hasn't really seemed real yet, especially in ten degree weather. This ain't Sons of Anarchy, and we sure as hell ain't living in Cali. Sigh."

"Did you just sigh? Like say 'sigh'?"

"Uh, yeah?"

J shook his head. "I fucking love that."

I reached up and cradled his face in my hands. "You make me feel normal."

His eyebrows pulled together. "Why wouldn't you be normal?"

"Because I said 'sigh' instead of just doing it. And a myriad of other things. And I can use myriad and fucktard in the same sentence probably. I don't know. These traits didn't exactly make me Ms. Popular growing up. I was kinda the weird kid."

He leaned down and pulled my ear lobe into his mouth. I think I actually did sigh at that. As he trailed kisses behind my ear and down below it, I think I might have moaned as well. "You're not weird. You're perfect. And you're mine," he whispered.

I reached between us, and grabbed his cock. It was still hard as marble. I rubbed it back and forth over my opening before slipping it in. I kissed his temple and whispered back, "You're perfect. In so many ways." I raised my hips, and clenched my walls to pull him all the way in. He moved slowly, pulling almost out before gradually pushing all the way back in. We leisurely brought each other to orgasm, yet lay utterly exhausted afterwards.

I was curled on my side, my back to his front. He pulled me into our usual position, his arms caging me to his body. It had become the safest place I'd ever experienced. I was drifting off to sleep when I thought I heard him murmur, "I think I could love you, Eleanor Skye." It might have just been in my dreams though.

******

Things at the center had fallen into a routine after the New Year as well. The teens went back to school, and we resumed Wednesday programming. Sometimes if I didn't work the evening shift and was caught up on my school work, I'd pop in to cook dinner on random days of the week. Penny was always glad, as it meant she didn't have to cook. The teens were happy, because it meant they weren't going to be eating pizza for the hundredth time. I gave Penny a list of different foods she could buy that I could use to make the teens dinner. Ravioli and grilled cheese with ham and tomato were their favorites. I could give a damn if a customer at Applebee's like the steak I cooked them, but it gave me weird gratification when the kids told me how good my cooking was.

I also started to attend the monthly Saturday field trips Penny took the teens on. The first time she asked, I was hesitant. I heard they were going to the historical museum. Not exactly my idea of a raging good time. I acquiesced though, as Penny didn't have her regular chaperone to help manage the twenty kids who had earned the field trip.

The first time I went, I was none too happy pulling into the parking lot of the center at nine on a Saturday morning. Did the museum even open that early?

Penny was darting around her office, printing charts and who knows what else. She shoved a packet in my hand. "Here are the kids you're going to pick up." She tossed a set of van keys my way. "Take the green van. The kids' addresses are all on that chart. Make sure they have their permission slips before they get in the van, and make sure they're actually signed by a parent. The address of the museum is on the bottom. Call my cell when you have them all and we'll meet at the museum. OK?" She said it all in a rush. I just nodded my head.

I walked out to the green van I'd seen her use to pick up kids before. Was I the only one who realized the white girl was going to be driving a mini-van that had LATINOS UNITED in giant letters on the side? I guessed not, as I started picking up the teens on my list. First was Fernie. He lived closest to the center. I was going to start close and work my out from the center, then take them all to meet up with Penny at the museum on the opposite side of town. I had no idea what I'd gotten myself into.

I pulled up to Fernie's house and honked the horn. It was too early to be knocking on doors. I wasn't trying to get out of the car. They'd have to come to me. He came out with his mother behind him saying something in Spanish. Fernie seemed annoyed. I knew that look. It was the one I gave my own mother. He hopped in the front seat as his mother waved to me. I plastered on my best smile and waved back.

He seemed surprised to see me. "I didn't know you were coming."

I shot him a glance. "Is that a problem?" It was also way too early for teenage snarkiness.

"No. It's better than Penny. I mean she's cool and all, but I know what you did for Genny. That was muy chido." Chido, cool. I learned that word in my time with the teens.

"And it will stay chido so long as ya'll keep your mouths shut about it. Right?" I looked at him over my glasses. The I ain't fucking around look.

"Yeah yeah. I got it. Shit, her dad and my mom would kill us if they knew. So it's all good."

"Glad to hear it. I'm glad I could help. Where to next?" I passed him the list. He was officially the navigator for this adventure.

"Go towards McKinney Street. Juanito and Marcos both live close to there."

I put the car in drive and pulled away. "Thanks. And Fernie?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't cuss."

"Yeah OK."

We picked the other teens up, and met Penny a little before eleven at the museum. I was correct in my initial assumption that the museum would not be a raging good time. The kids agreed, but Angelica told me that Penny made them do something educational and then something fun. Today's fun was Go-Karts. Hell yeah! I loved Go-Karts.

After the museum, we had lunch at McDonald's before heading to Speed Zone. I had never been there, but had heard it was fun. I was pleasantly surprised when I walked in and saw a few arcade games to the side. Penny gave each teen a ticket for a Go-Kart ride and five tokens. Five tokens? Damn. That was like someone giving you one Swedish Fish out of the two pound bag, and then not letting you have anymore.

I shoved a twenty in the token machine and filled my pockets. "Hey Fernie!" I yelled, holding up two tokens. "Feel like losing in Tekken?" Really, what teen could resist that?

"Simon. But don't be mad when you lose those tokens."

Less than five minutes later, I had my hands in the air, asking who was next. Now I understood why the kids put up with the museum. After I had beaten all the boys in Tekken, and made them all start calling me 'her highness the Tekken queen,' it was approaching dusk and time to take the teens home. I was actually sad for the day to end. I hadn't had this much fun while sober in a long time.

I called Chris on my way home. She picked up and I asked, "Eight Oh Eight tonight?"

"Fuck. Naw man. Let's hit up another spot. What about Tiny's?"

Tiny's was a dive bar with an electronic jukebox she knew I would dominate, and a makeshift dance floor. It was a bit seedy, and that's why we liked it. "Yeah, sure. Why no Eight Oh Eight?"

"Man, Devon's been calling me again. I told him he was getting too serious and he backed off for a minute, but he's back on it again sweatin' my ass."

"You ain't feelin' him like that?"

"Fuck no. He was fun at first, but then he wanted to call every day and check up on what I was doing and who I was with. You know I don't get down like that." No, she didn't. Chris was only slightly less of a commitment-phobe than me. She actually had a few relationships that lasted more than two weeks. I realized J was my first.

"Well, damn. I kinda liked Cup Booty."

"He did have one fine ass. Whatevs. I just don't feel like dealing with him tonight, and I'm sure he'll be up in Eight Oh Eight in stalker mode."

"It's all good. I could use a change of scenery. We haven't been to Tiny's for a hot minute."

"You gonna invite J?"

"He's in St. Louis, so it's just the ladies tonight."

"Aw man, Elle. I'm happy you found a man for yourself, but I could really use a ladies' night. Let's do it up proper style. I feel like getting too drunk to walk, so sneaker's tonight sound good? I can pick you up, and we can get fucked up at my place before we head out. I got a new mix tape off the booster we can check out."

"Right on. I should be home by six, so pick me up at seven?"

"Oh, I thought you were home? What are you out and about doing?"

I laughed. "Girl, I just whooped nine teenage boys' at Tekken. I'm on top of the world!"

"Fuckin' A girl. There's a story here, but you can tell it to me over a blunt."

I hung up. Suddenly, my fun and sober day seemed sullied. It didn't seem right to tell Chris over a blunt about my day with the teens. Why did that feel so strange? She didn't really ask me about my volunteering, and I didn't offer much up. It was oddly private. Why was it private? I couldn't explain it. So much of my life had been spent in dingy places and shady situations. It made my time with the teens sparkle. It was like when I was on campus. Everything seemed shiny and fresh. I felt alive. I once had felt most alive on the Eight Oh Eight dance floor, and I still did, but this was a different kind of alive. I knew it was different but couldn't articulate in words why. It just felt clean, better. Light, instead of darkness.

Chris spared me the questioning of my day once she picked me up. Even though we weren't dressing up in heels and fancy jewelry tonight, we spent just as much time picking out the perfect jeans that would hug every curve just right, and the coolest sneakers we owned. I rocked royal blue Nike Cortez with a yellow stripe, and Chris wore her favorite brown Pumas. Since we were both tall, we had big feet to match. It sucked sometimes, because all the clearance shoes were size six or seven. Not tens. But on the plus side, we were able to wear men's shoes, which came in way more colors and styles than women's. It was a sneaker-head's dream. Chris paired the brown soccer shoes with a white tank and an army green jacket. It was the shit. I paired my blue Nikes with a boat neck matching blue top that was ruched at the sides, accentuating my curves. We listened to Lil Rob's Summer Nights while we got ready, even though it wasn't quite summer yet. Wishful thinking I suppose. It got us ready though, and we were out the door looking good and feeling alright.

******

We were smoking a blunt with some dudes we'd met in the alley behind Tiny's when my phone beeped.

J: hey babe. miss me?

ME: always

J: i'm coming back tomorrow but have to hit up kansas city monday. ride with me?

ME: hell yeah!

ME: miss me?

"Are you sexting your fucking man on girls night?" Chris yelled, passing me the blunt.

"Shhhh! You'll wake the whole fuckin' neighborhood up. No sexting. I finally get to ride on the motorcycle."

"Rock on. He comin' here?"

J: always baby. see u tomorrow ;)

ME: can't wait!!

"Elle. Elle!" I looked up at Chris. "Are you sure you're not sexting? Cuz that's one goofy grin." She said it with her own weed-induced goofy grin, AKA perma-grin.

"Shut up and pass the blunt," I told Chris, and yes, I had a stupid fucking grin. I was excited to ride on the bike. Excited to feel my legs wrapped around J, and the rumble of the bike underneath me.

"Well, you don't gotta worry about me waking up the neighborhood. Seems the Impala over there has it covered," Chris told me, nodding towards a pimped out car pulling into the lot across the alley, bass bumping loud as can be.

I saw two guys park the black Impala towards the back of the empty lot. It used to be a warehouse of some sort, but became another vacant building, ripe for vagrants and drug deals. Not that I was in any place to judge, but I assumed there was some illicit business about to go down. You'd think they would turn the music down in order to not be heard. On the other hand, we weren't exactly in the greatest neighborhood. It used to be a business district, but now it was empty buildings and a few scattered dive bars. I guess not many people saw a bumpin' Impala as a good enough reason to bring the cops around.

The Impala sat there for a while. I kept thinking they must be waiting on someone. The blunt was almost finished, and no one had come around. Just as we were about to go back in the bar, I saw two guys, well, boys really, probably no older than eighteen, walk up to the Impala. They were walking G-style, with what they probably thought was a swagger in their gait. They didn't realize they looked like they were limping. Dumbasses.

I squinted my eyes, trying to see what was going on across the alley. I grabbed Chris' arm to hold her back. The guys we were smoking with engaged Chris in conversation, and I continued my spying. I think one of the guys was trying to get Chris' phone number.

The two boys walked up to the passenger side of the Impala. The car was angled so I could see most of the driver's side, but little of the passenger side. I saw the corner of the overly tinted window roll down, and the boys approach. There was something familiar about the boys. I was pretty damn high, so I might've been paranoid, but I kept staring nonetheless. Maybe I should've been concerned about being obvious, but fuck, I just smoked a blunt in an alley. I assumed the guys in the car knew I wasn't a snitch.

Whatever happened on the passenger side took less than a minute, and the Impala was pulling away. The two boys walked back toward the warehouse. As the boys approached a streetlight, I took a chance and yelled, "Fernie!"

One head turned toward me. Fuck. Both boys took off running. Fuckin' Fernie. I had to talk to him, but really, what could I say? "I saw you doing what I assume was something illegal, and also drug related, while I was in the alley behind Tiny's Bar puffing a blunt with two guys I just met." Yeah, that wasn't gonna work. Shit. After the field trip, it felt like Fernie and I developed a pseudo-friendship. As much as a teen and an adult (God, was I an adult?!) could have.

Part of me felt like a raving hypocrite. Who was I to tell Fernie he needed to get it together, and stop with all the illegal shit, especially if he was dabbling in coke? It wasn't that I was judging him. I cared about him. I didn't want him to deal with the shit I did growing up on the streets. Worse, I didn't want him dragging Genesis around that shit. Chris shook me from my inner debate.

"Elle, you ready to go back inside?"

"Yeah. Let's go," I said, heading around front, still a little lost in my thoughts.

Unfortunately, ladies night was a bit of a bust after that. Chris was into the guy from the alley, so she spent the rest of the evening chatting him up. I talked with the bartender a bit, but my head was in a different place. I felt my purse vibrate.

J: wanna stay the night in kc monday night?

ME: word!

J: pack light. we'll be on the bike.

ME: k. c u then. i still miss u.

J: i miss u always baby.

I put my phone away, and was back to being lost in thought when my purse vibrated again. What else did J have to say?

LARRY: u out?

ME: yep

LARRY: com gt me?

ME: fuckin a larry

LARRY: plzzzz...

ME: where r u?

LARRY: 1st down

ME: fuck that's far from ur house!

LARRY: com on

Damn it. He was hammered. He couldn't even text right. First Down was close to my house and far from his.

ME: ok. i'll b there in 30. ur sleeping on my couch. i'll take u to ur car in the morning

LARRY: thx

I walked over to Chris and her new friend by the juke box. "Hey. I gotta go get Larry."

"What's wrong with Axl Rose?"

Chris and Larry had met a handful of times and she found his slightly stuck in the 90s style humorous.

"He's hammered. I'm gonna go get him and he can crash on my couch. I ain't driving across town to take him home, and then pick him up again in the morning to get his car. Can you drop me off at home so I can grab the Monte?"

Chris leaned in to her friend and whispered something. They exchanged words and she turned back to me.

"Yup. Let's roll."

I grabbed a bottle of water from the bartender, and said my goodbyes to the regulars before following Chris out to her car. The guy, her friend, it appeared was joining us. Looked like Chris was moving on from Devon. Bummer. I liked him better than this guy. I'd wait to see if this one stuck around before learning his name or giving him one.

"You sure J would be OK with another man sleeping in your apartment?" Chris asked as we drove towards my place.

"It's Larry."

"Yeah, Larry who's in love with you."

"Larry just thinks he's in love with me. Plus, J ain't about to tell me who can and can't sleep on my couch."

"Just sayin'. If it was anyone other than Larry, I wouldn't think nothing of it, but Larry? He gets that starry eyed look in those blues of his whenever you're around."

"Nah." I shrugged her off, and she graciously let the conversation die.

Chris dropped me off in front of my apartment, and I slid right into the Monte. Thankfully, I didn't drink much, or I wouldn't be able to get Larry. Since I was relatively sober, just a little high, he was in luck. I texted him that I was pulling up, and he came stumbling out of the doors of First Down. Fuckin' Larry. This was going to be interesting.

"Eleanor! My angel," he slurred, as he tumbled into the passenger seat.

"Larry, you a little swerved there?"

"If you mean drunk, then hell yeah," he hollered, giving me the rock 'n roll devil sign.

Oh my, it was 1988 in my car. We'd regressed from the 90s into the 80s.

We weren't far from my house, so Larry had only ten-ish minutes to ramble and slur, a bit incoherent. I just nodded and said "uh huh" at the appropriate times. He really didn't care if I was listening when he was like this. He was a chatty mother fucker when he got drunk, but it wasn't about anyone responding. He just wanted to run his mouth. I got him inside, and threw a blanket and pillow on the couch.

"Go to sleep, Larry."

He took his shirt off and stumbled as he fell onto the couch. He wasn't ripped like J, but he also didn't have any fat on him. Surprising, considering his diet consisted of weed, beer, and junk food, he was pretty solid all around.

"Can I have some water? And some chips maybe?"

God damn Larry. I was hoping he would pass out as soon as we got home. That's what I was ready to do. I got him a bottle of water, some pretzels I had in the cupboard, and a couple ibuprofen.

"All right, Larry. Here's your shit. Sit your ass on the couch." I passed him the TV remote. "I'm gonna get ready for bed."

I washed my face and brushed my teeth in the bathroom. Since Larry was on the couch, I'd have to wear PJ's to bed. I usually slept naked. Fucking Larry. I crawled into bed and sighed. It had been quite a night. It felt good to let my brain shut off. The window was open since the air wasn't too cold outside. A nice breeze was blowing over me as I let my body relax, and prepared to visit Mr. Sandman.

"Do you want to watch TV with me, Elle?"

What the fuck?

"No!" I yelled, and snuggled into a sweatshirt of J's I was sleeping with.

"Want some pretzels?"

I threw my arm over my eyes.

"Go to sleep, Larry."

"Elle..."

I sat up in bed and yelled, "Shut the fuck up, Larry, and go to bed or I'm going to make you sleep on the damn lawn."

"Sheesh. PMS much," I heard Larry say. I hope he didn't think he was whispering, because that was barely quieter than the yelling.

******

I was fast asleep when heard the floor squeak. The sun had started to rise, which meant I'd been asleep for five-ish hours. I was about to grab the lamp off the nightstand and roll over with it, ready to beat someone. I stopped when I heard Larry sigh and begin to whisper.

"Why not me, Elle? Why can't you love me?"

I didn't move.

"I've never hurt you, and I would take care of you til my dying day."

I knew without looking that Larry was running his hands through his hair. He always did when he was agitated.

"You're perfect. What do I have to do so you'll see me? Really see me?"

He sat there a few more minutes in silence while I feigned sleep. Finally, he got up and went back to the couch.

"Fuck," I whispered to myself.

******

In the morning, Larry was back to himself. I wasn't sure he even remembered his drunken confession. I pushed it out of my head, and went about getting ready for work.

I took Larry to his car before going in for my Sunday shift. I knew he'd have preferred to sleep in, but sorry about his luck. Fortunately, he lived close to the restaurant so I didn't have to go too far out of my way. He was much quieter than the night before. Thank God!

"Thanks, Elle," he mumbled, as he got out of my car in front of his house.

"YOU'RE WELCOME, LARRY. ENJOY YOUR DAY, LARRY. SEE YOU LATER, LARRY," I yelled. He covered his ears, and muttered a stream of cuss words under his breath. Payback's a bitch.
Chapter 15

J picked me up Monday and brought a surprise with him. I had a love/hate relationship with surprises. They could be really bad (Mom showing up unexpectedly), or really good (a $20 bill found in pants pocket while laundering). J came bearing a large box wrapped in gold paper.

"Oh, for me?" I said, placing my hand over my heart.

"Of course for you, baby." J leaned in the door and gave me a closed mouth kiss.

I stepped back to let him in, but he grabbed me under my knees and carried me into the living room, kicking the door closed behind him. I clutched the box like it was filled with gold, not just covered in gold paper. I never tired of being picked up, tossed around, carried, and generally made to feel light as a feather by this man. Sometimes, I forgot how big he was. I was barefoot, which made him even taller as he put me down and I looked up to him beaming. "Open it up," he told me.

I gingerly peeled the paper off the box. "You wrapped it?"

"Naw, lady at the store."

I opened the box and pulled out a black leather jacket, fitted for a woman. It had gold zippers from the elbow to the wrist on both sleeves, and was collarless. It was biker chic. It was the shit! As I looked at it, I realized that it was not a Wal-Mart coat. Hell, it wasn't even a Macy's coat. The leather was soft to the point of almost feeling like suede. The lining of the jacket was black, with gold fleur-de-lises, and sewn to perfection. Even the zippers were high quality. It was expensive and I knew I should try to refuse it. That's what you do, right, when someone gives you a crazy extravagant gift?

J must've seen the mix of emotions play across my face. "Don't even think about telling me you can't accept it." Ok then.

"I love it!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands around J's neck. He swung me around a few times, lifting my feet off the ground.

"Try it on."

It fit perfectly. Damn, this boy was good. "Oh, I can wear my black and gold Nike Dunk Lows!" I proclaimed, a giant smile claiming my face. Surprisingly, I struggled to find outfits that would warrant bright gold Nikes. Go figure.

J shook his head. "You're the only woman I know who calls her shoes by their make and model, like a car." He kissed the top of my head. "One more layer to love."

He'd been throwing the L word out a lot lately. He hadn't said those three words yet, but he seemed to slip love into a variety of phrases. At first it freaked me out, but I found myself wanting it, waiting for it. For him to say those three words. I couldn't say it first. I'd never said it to anyone that wasn't family. Or Chris or Aaron. I'd never said it to a man I was sleeping with.

J broke down so many of my walls, thawed the ice around my heart. I still kept a thin layer when I was at school or work, never letting anyone too close. Even Larry. He meant a lot to me as a friend, but that was all he'd ever be. He'd never be able to hurt me like J could. It was scary at first, but little by little I found it comforting. For once in my life, I felt as if someone else was looking out for my safety. It wasn't just me. Until now, it had always been just me, always watching my back. I wore a thin wedding band on my right hand that I had bought myself when I was eighteen. It was a reminder that no matter what, I always had me. Kinda like the scraps of paper taped up around my apartment. Each reminded me of something, either a situation I overcame, or word that inspired me to keep going each day.

Since we were staying overnight, I packed a bag. I tried to keep it small, as I knew we were going on the bike. The bike! I was so hype.

"Ready?" J asked, as I emerged from my room, bag in hand. "I got you a helmet too," he said, taking the bag from me. I started to loosely braid my hair as we walked out the door.

The bike sat gleaming in front of me. It was a Harley. That's about all I could tell you. Later I would ask J about it, but at that moment, all I wanted to do was get on and feel the wind. J stashed my bag in some compartment on the back of the bike and got on. He held out his hand to help me on behind him.

As the bike roared to life, I clutched J around his stomach. We coasted through town towards the freeway. Once we hit it, J revved the engine, and the bike took off. I clutched him tighter with my thighs and leaned my head against his back, watching the scenery go by. I was glad for the jacket as it was still a bit cool outside, especially once you were going 70mph with the wind whipping past. I snuck my hands up under J's jacket and shirt. His skin was warm to the touch. I traced with a finger each outline of his eight pack. I kept my hands warm, lazily running them over J's abdomen. The ride to Kansas City was a little over two hours. We'd been riding for around ninety minutes when J pulled us over to a rest area. One of those where it is just a bathroom, vending machine, and two picnic tables outside.

"I thought we weren't stopping. You told me to make sure to pee before we left cuz we were driving straight through," I questioned J, as he dismounted the bike. He didn't answer. Instead, he pulled me off the bike and threw me over his shoulder.

"What the fuck, J?" I laughed.

"Woman, you've been touching me for the last sixty miles. You brought this on yourself."

I laughed. I didn't realize tracing ab outlines was such a turn on. J carried me into the men's restroom and bent me over the sink. It was kinda dirty, but not enough to stop my moan when he pulled his pants and mine down to our ankles, and sunk his cock deep inside me. "I didn't realize tracing ab outlines was such a turn on," I gasped.

"It was that," thrust. "Your thighs pressed tight against me," thrust. "And the heat coming off your pussy against my ass," thrust. He wrapped his hand around my braid and pulled my head back, trailing kisses down the back and side of my neck. He nibbled on my ear and whispered, "I was about to bust a nut on the bike if I didn't stop."

"I'm glad you stopped."

I felt a frenzy stirring up inside me. I loved the impulsive, savage sex J delivered as much as I loved the sweet love he made to me. Either worked, but in that moment, the savage beast in him was bringing my own out. I put my hands on the mirror to brace myself. I think I may have growled as I shoved my ass back against him, wanting to feel him deeper inside of me. J wrapped one arm around my middle and the other trailed downwards.

I threw my head back and moaned, repeating my favorite letter of the alphabet over and over again. I was close, so close. I could feel the walls of my pussy starting to pulse.

"You ready, babe?"

I think I whimpered my answer. His hands found my clit and his lips found the back of my neck. He bit and licked my neck and ears as his finger swirled my clit with varying pressure. I slammed back against him, grinding my ass in circles, feeling his hard length touch every inch inside of me. Then it happened. The world opened up and I was no longer existing in a rest area in the middle of nowhere Missouri. I was flying, and my body was exploding. I vaguely registered J pump into me twice more before filling me with his liquid heat. We slowed our movements, and began our equally slow descent back to planet Earth.

"Fuck," I said, trying to catch my breath.

"Yeah, fuck," J replied. My hands were still firmly pressed against the mirror and his arms were still wrapped around my middle. "Look up." I blinked a few times, trying to register what J said. He leaned into my ear and said it again. "Look up, sweetheart."

I looked up and he was gazing at me in the mirror. My face was flushed, yet utterly relaxed. We both had eyes that we were struggling to stay open. Seeing him behind me, inside me, holding me. It turned me on all over again. My eyes opened wider to take it all in. A sly smile crept across J's face. I reached up around his neck, and pulled his lips against mine.

"Sated," I mumbled, while running my lips across his. I had read the word a million times in books, and knew what it meant in theory. This was the singular moment in time when I discovered what it meant in real life.

We cleaned ourselves up and got back on the bike. I'd be lying if the rumbling of the engine underneath me, being pressed up against J again, and the memories of we'd just done didn't make the last half hour of the drive torturous. It was a good torture though. A torture that would be remedied when we arrived at the hotel. It would be remedied many times. Many, many times.

I don't know where I expected to be staying in Kansas City. I hadn't asked. J said he had a place for us to stay. I figured it would be at the house of someone he knew. Or maybe there was a clubhouse like in the MC romance novels I'd read. Hell, I wouldn't put it past J to pull up in front of a cabin. I noticed we took the freeway and crossed over into Kansas. When we pulled up to the hotel (if you could call it that) all I could think was if this is Kansas, I understand why Dorothy wanted to get home so bad.

We weren't at a hotel or someone's house, and we certainly weren't at a cabin. We were at a Chateau. I'd spent my life playing it cool, but pulling up to the Chateau Avalon on J's bike had me wide-eyed and mesmerized. The front of the building looked like a castle, and the grounds looked like somewhere Hugh Hefner could throw one of his infamous parties. All it needed was a grotto.

J pulled the bike up in front and shut it off. He got off first and then helped me down. I removed my helmet and passed it to him. I was speechless, staring at the place I was going to be sleeping that night. I'd never seen, let alone slept, in a place so nice. Hell, I'd slept in cars, on sofas, next to smelly men, and once in a closet. This was 180° from where I'd ever been.

J stood, watching me. His chuckle brought me out of my daze. "Close your mouth, sweetheart, unless you want my tongue in it."

"Fuckin' A," I whispered.

J grabbed our bags and took my hand to lead me inside. Really, I tried my best not to stare and look like a dork, but it was all so beautiful. Even the lobby took my breath away. I turned in a circle taking it all in. There were curtains hanging in front of the walls. Cream, textured curtains that were surely not there to hold light out, but to look nothing short of opulent. Opulent. Another word I had read, but never seen firsthand. The sitting area was painted in a rusty red color and cream, making it feel warm and sensual. I was about to go wandering when J pulled me towards the front desk.

"Ah, Mr. Odell. I have the Monte Cristo room all ready for you. Will you be dining with us this evening?" The attendant didn't seem to mind that we were in jeans and leather jackets. He spoke to J as if he were royalty.

"No. We're going into town for dinner."

J winked at the desk guy. Huh?

"Perfect."

The desk guy winked back. What the hell?

"Here is your key. Enjoy your stay, and let me know if you need anything when you return from dinner. Vance will escort you to your room."

J thanked him and followed the man I assumed to be Vance. As we walked deeper into the Chateau, I was continuously stunned by its beauty. There were gold mirrors hung along the walls. We twisted and turned a variety of times. This place was easily bigger than a football field. Maybe two. We finally arrived at a set of dark, wooden double doors.

"Shall I show you your accommodations?" Vance asked.

"No thanks. We'll show ourselves," J responded.

Why would we need to be shown our accommodations? It was just a room.

"Very well. There is a private door you can enter and exit from on the first level. That key will work in this door and the exterior door. Ring the front desk if you need anything, sir."

"Thanks," J said, slipping Vance a fifty dollar bill.

J opened the door and I walked in, quickly realizing why Vance offered to show us our room. It wasn't a room, it was a freaking apartment. There were three floors, with a spiral staircase leading up to who knows where.

"Elle?" I turned to J, my mouth hanging open. "Want me to show you around?" I nodded.

He showed me the first floor first, which consisted of a sitting room and a kitchen. We walked up a staircase to a giant bed overlooking the first floor. It was a wrought iron four post bed.

"Feel like being tied up tonight?" J asked with a smirk, pulling a silk scarf out of the nightstand.

"Dude."

"Dude?"

"Fuck."

"Can you try for full sentences, baby?" J asked, a smile creeping across his face.

"How did you find this place? It's like a castle or a palace. It's amazing."

"I had heard about it, and checked it out the last time I was in town. Each suite is different. I chose this one for two reasons."

I turned to him, mystified by all this man had done for me. It was clear he put some thought into this. No one had ever done anything this nice for me before. Hell, most guys thought giving flowers was the grandest gesture possible. J had given me decadent beauty, the flowers he sent in a crystal vase. He had given me simple beauty, the bracelet he made himself. I put my hand to my neck and touched the token necklace. He had given me memories. Ones that would leave me with good dreams instead of nightmares.

I tilted my head, and asked the obvious question.

"What two reasons?"

"You're looking at one," he said, tossing the black silk scarf onto the bed. He grabbed my hand and led me up another staircase. "And this is the second reason I chose this suite."

We stood in front of the largest bathtub I'd ever seen. It wasn't even a bathtub. The brochure on the ledge said it was a chromotherapy whirlpool spa.

I threw my arms around J's neck and jumped into his arms. I wrapped my legs around him and squeezed—and I squealed a bit. Yep. I was a squealer, and as long as J was in my life, there was no going back. He managed to thaw the ice around my heart that created my cool, calm exterior. I think when the ice melted, it turned into the pool that was in my panties whenever J was around.

He spun me a round a few times, then sat us on the edge. I straddled him, my legs dangling in the tub.

"I love it," I said, kissing his neck. "I love everything. This place, the suite, the bed, the—" I nibbled his ear while leaning forward to grab the brochure. "—the chromotherapy whirlpool spa. I love it all."

"Good. That was the point."

J placed a kiss on my lips that was soft, yet filled with passion. He pulled away and looked me in the eye.

"All of this is for you. Everything is for you. Anything you want, it's yours, Elle."

He kissed me again. This time when he pulled back there was a playfulness in his eyes.

"Sex or food?"

Hmmm. They both sounded good. I hadn't eaten since before he picked me up. My stomach was feeling a little rumbly. Buuuuut I was also throbbing between my legs.

"Food. No sex. Wait, no. Food, then sex. Shit. Can we eat and fuck at the same time?"

J threw his head back and laughed. He hugged me tighter.

"I feel your stomach rumbling, so let's go eat."

"Do I need to dress up?"

I only brought two other tops to wear with the same jeans and sneakers I had on. And the tops had to go with the jacket, or my gold sneakers would look ridiculously flashy.

"Nah. There's a little dive bar with great pasta I know of just over the state line."

"OK. Can I have a few minutes to freshen up?"

"Sure. I'll be at the bar in the lobby. I need to make a few phone calls anyway. Meet me there when you are ready and we'll go." I nodded and kissed him once more.

After J left, I washed my face and sprayed my hair with some moisturizer. The helmet hadn't exactly been kind to my curls. I revived them as much as I could and made a loose braided again. I wandered around the suite looking for my bag. It really was the epitome of the word opulent. Every corner was filled with something extravagant. Gold mirrors, sprawling displays of fresh flowers, a fountain. A fountain! This bitch had a fountain? How did I miss that on the way in? I took my phone out and shot some video of the room. I found my bag by the front door and took it up to the bed. I took more video of the bed area before I switched shirts. Finally, I climbed the spiral steps to the third level to take some video of the bathroom. I could have wandered the suite for another thirty minutes, but I thought the first thirty might be pushing it.

I exited the suite through the interior door out into the hallway. Emerging into the main lobby, I must've looked as lost as I was, because Vance was suddenly there, putting his arm out for me to take.

"To the bar with Mr. Odell?"

"Yes. Thanks Vance." I took his arm. He looked to be in his forties. Everything about him was proper. His clean cut brown hair. His perfectly pressed black and burgundy uniform. Especially his formal manner of speech. Despite that, he gave me warm smile as he escorted me to the bar.

I saw J before he saw me. He was on the phone with his hand in his hair, pulling at it.

"Thanks Vance. I got it from here." He nodded, and told me again to call if we needed anything.

I slowly walked toward J, giving him time to see me. He released his hair only to start kneading his shoulder. His eagle shoulder. His Gramps. I heard him tell the person on the other line he'd see him in thirty minutes. I guess we weren't going straight to dinner.

I stood next to J as he was finishing up his call. I took his hand from his shoulder and nuzzled my face into his neck. He was at the perfect height sitting on the iron bar stool. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled my body flush against his side.

"Yeah, by the barn in thirty. Don't bring the whole crew."

I heard someone on the other line say something about not scaring J's girl.

"She's tough as nails. I just don't feel like dealing with everyone. This is earlier than scheduled and you're fucking up my night. So thirty by the barn. Don't be late." He hung up the phone. "Sorry babe, we gotta make a quick stop before dinner."

"I gathered that. It's cool. Who are we meeting?"

"You're not meeting anyone if I can help it."

I was a little annoyed. "Is there something wrong with me?"

J brushed his lips against mine. "No. You're perfect. There's something wrong with them. Let's go get this over with so I can feed you and get back to that bed."

He stood up and threw his arm around my shoulder. We got back on the bike and sped off. We didn't get on the freeway though. We took some back roads and passed into Missouri. After thirty minutes, we pulled off the road into a field with a huge barn. The kind you rarely see any more except for deep in the countryside. It seemed too close to the city for a barn to be here.

J turned the motor off and we glided to the front doors.

"Stay here. I'll be right back," J said, jumping off the bike before I could protest.

I would admit it freely to anyone. I'm a nosey bitch. Curious I prefer actually. I got off the bike and crept to the doors of the barn. There was some old school Nine Inch Nails playing loud enough to muffle the voices. J was talking to two men. There were crates all over the barn, and a variety of tables and chairs. The tables varied in size and shape from a typical dinner table to long, handmade, unfinished wood tables. This sure as hell wasn't a barn for livestock.

Again, I could tell J was irritated with whatever the two guys were saying as his hand stayed plastered to his eagle shoulder. Both of the other guys had on leather vests. Their cuts. J had his standard jeans and hoodie, no vest. One of the guys gave J a piece of paper. A few more words were exchanged before J moved to leave. I scrambled back onto the bike. When J came out, he wore a scowl on his face. One I didn't see often. This obviously hadn't been a pleasant meeting for him. He got on the bike and pulled away without him saying a word to me.

I spent the next twenty-five minutes imagining a variety of scenarios. Was he running drugs? Guns? Women? Fuck. He didn't pick up or drop off anything. Those crates weren't full of chinaware. I could easily deduce whatever was in them was not legal or they wouldn't be stored in a barn outside of the city, accessed by dirt roads. And whatever had taken place happened off schedule, and left J pissed off. I sighed and tightened my hold on him. It was getting to a point where I was going to have to either start asking questions or stop thinking about it all. Yeah, I so wasn't capable of not thinking about it.

We pulled up to a dive bar. The one J had mentioned before. He stowed our helmets, and he took my hand as we walked into the bar. It was your typical dive, but with a few tables set up in front of the bar. To the left, were three pool tables and a dart board.

"Beer? Wine? Vodka?" J asked as we stood by the bar.

"Beer."

A man came up to us. He was fifty or so, just shy of six feet tall, a mix of bulk and pudge. His beard that was more grey than brown. He put his fist out for J to bump.

"Usual?"

"Yeah. And a LaBatt's for her," J said, nodding toward me.

"No LaBatt's," the man said, not looking at me.

"MGD is fine," I chimed in.

"Food?" he asked, still not looking at me.

"Yep. Two."

"Got it."

The man walked away and J led us to a table by the window. We were in the Missouri side of Kansas City, in a slightly run-down part of town. Not that I needed to worry about my safety when J was around, but instinct made me do a scan of the lot when we pulled in, noticing the sparse buildings, gas station, and field nearby. I did the same scan when we walked in the bar, noting a hallway with bathrooms and potentially an exit. There was a door on one side of the bar that I assumed lead back to the kitchen. The man who'd taken our orders emerged and grabbed two beers out of the cooler. He put our beers down without saying a word to J or me. J drank half his beer in one drink. I took a sip of mine, watching J and trying to decide what was going on. I'd never seen him act this weird. He drank another giant gulp of beer. The man behind the bar looked at us and J stuck his finger in the air and spun it around indicating he wanted another beer.

J was about to kill his bottle of beer or tear his shoulder apart when I finally broke the silence.

"You gotta give me something here, J."

He ran his hands through his silky black locks that were a bit of a mess from being tugged on too much. Normally it was my hands tugging, but not tonight.

"I'm sorry. This is supposed to be a fun weekend for us. That wasn't supposed to happen until tomorrow morning. I was going to meet up with them and let you sleep in."

"It's obvious it wasn't a pleasant meeting."

J laughed. "Pleasant is about the last word I would use to refer to dealing with Cane and his boys."

"Care to elaborate?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

The man came back with another beer for J. He nodded to my bottle and I shook my head no. J finished off the last drink of his and handed the bartender the bottle. He took another big swig off his second bottle before he spoke.

"You remember what you said to me at Eight Oh Eight? About why you don't take drinks from guys?"

"Yeah. I don't like owing anybody."

"Well, me neither. But I'm stuck in debt for life to these guys."

"Your MC?" I asked. TV made it seem like bikers were all about their MCs.

"It ain't my MC anymore. It's a bank that gave me a loan a long time ago, and now I'm stuck paying it back until the sun sets on my name."

"You can't get out?"

"Not without moving across the country. Fuck, maybe to Mexico."

I sat back in my chair thinking. So he didn't want to be in the MC. I kinda knew that. They were making him do something he didn't want to it appeared. Did I want to know what? I leaned forward. "Fuck J. This ain't Compton. You really can't get out?"

He set his beer down and took my hands in his. "I've been wanting out for a while, but haven't said anything. I didn't have any reason to push it with Prez."

"Is Cane the president?"

"Cane? Fuck no. He's Prez's little bitch. Prez rarely delivers orders or does much. He and his inner circle make decisions, and then he sends someone to tell me what I have to do. I told you, I'm in the middle. The only way I was able to come back to my house, my Gramps' house was to agree to, fuck, shit I never should've agreed to. Now that you're in my life, I asked Prez about getting out. I should've known. I've become too valuable to him. He's never gonna let me go. I know he changed the meet time on purpose. Cane's probably back at the club on the phone with Prez telling him I showed up with a woman on my bike. Fuck!" J banged his fist on the table. "I didn't want them to know about you."

"Why not?"

"It's more to hold over me. Fuck," he mumbled. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought you here. I just wanted everything to be perfect."

I didn't know what to say. So I did what I do best. I deflected for the both of us.

"Look at me, J." He pulled his eyes up to mine. I folded my hands around his. "Do you have to see them again while we're here?" He shook his head from side to side. "Alright. Well then we are going to sit here and have some drinks, eat whatever you ordered us. It better be good by the way. And then we are going back to the amazing room you got us, and we are going to fuck on every surface possible. You are going to put this out of your head, as am I. We can deal with it when we return. And we can deal with it together. Alright?"

J reached forward and cupped my check with his hand. I wrapped my arms around his wrist, and leaned onto his hand before turning and kissing his palm.

"That sounds fantastic."

I smiled and kissed his palm once more. Before we could say more, our food arrived. It was a pasta in cream sauce with shrimp and scallops. Fucking orgasm in my mouth.

"Dude," I said, with pasta hanging out of my mouth. "This is the shit. What kind of dive bar is this?"

J chuckled. "Ole Bill back there is the best cook there is. I bought this bar for him a while ago. He helped me out of a few jams. There are only a few things he makes and they are good enough to keep him in business and then some. Some shit went down and he needed to get out of St. Louis. I knew this place was for sale, so I hooked him up."

J said it so matter of factly. Like buying a bar for someone was no big deal. Like a $500 vase was no big deal. Or our suite was no big deal.

"J? Are you rich?"

I felt stupid asking. Obviously he was, but he rarely showed it off. He wasn't flashy. He didn't wear designer clothes and drive exotic cars.

"I don't spend a lot of money. And we all make the same in the MC regardless of what we do. Well, all of us except Prez and his brother. He always takes an extra cut of our earnings for himself. Missouri Mayhem owns most of Missouri and part of Kansas in one way or another, so the cash flow is pretty steady. I just sit on it mostly. Or I was, until you came along and made me want to spend it."

"You know I don't care about your money? Right?"

"Baby, of course I know. Now eat up. We got surfaces to fuck on."

We finished our meal and beers. The mood had lifted and we chatted about the other rooms at the Avalon. There were a lot and they all sounded fabulous. Like Aaron fabulous. When it was time to go, he just gave Bill a head nod and left. I guess buying someone a bar means free food for life.

We got back to the suite and J told me he would meet me in the bathroom. I walked up the spiral staircase to the top floor where I found blue and purple candles spread around the whirlpool. There was a small table with champagne on ice and two glasses. I pulled my hair up in a clip and undressed while the tub filled. J came in right as I was pouring us each a glass of champagne.

"Your skin glows in the light of those candles."

I couldn't help smiling. I was used to guys telling me I was hot, sexy, and beautiful. I wasn't fixated on my looks, but I knew I was attractive. J somehow managed to compliment me in ways that seemed honest, authentic. Like he wasn't just saying it to get something from me. He meant it. I handed him his champagne glass.

"You make me glow." I reached up on my tiptoes to kiss him. "Cheers."

I clinked his glass and we both drank. The moment was perfect. Storybook perfect. But it wasn't my storybook. It was the girl who dreamed of white dresses and 2.5 kids' storybook. That wasn't me. So I made it perfect in my storybook by saying, "Damn, that's some good shit. You think you might wanna get naked anytime soon?" J laughed, as always at my vulgar humor.

I set my glass down and turned off the water. I barely stepped into the whirlpool when I felt J behind me. He disrobed in record time. The night had turned cool, and the ride back to the Chateau had made me cold to my bones. The water felt amazing as I submerged my body into it, leaning back against J. He passed me a rocks glass full of champagne.

I turned to look at him. He was smiling down at me with a knowing smile. He remembered I wasn't a fan of stemware. Or it wasn't a fan of me I might say. We sipped champagne and lounged in the whirlpool, jets on low, making the perfect amount of waves around us. J wrapped his legs around me and I ran my hands up and down them. I couldn't reach all the way to his toes, his legs were so long. The tub was huge.

J draped one arm around my shoulders and rested it against my clavicle, using his other hand to sip champagne. We were silent for some time, just enjoying the feel of each other's body against one another. It was rare for me to feel this kind of peace with another person. I usually found my peace alone. Even when Chris stayed at my place, I was always aware of her presence and it kept me turned on and alert. She was my best friend, but anybody's presence in my space automatically put me on alert. With J it was different. It wasn't just that his calm demeanor or his low husky voice that put me at peace.

You would think that in a private suite, on the outskirts of town, where no one knows me, and a locked door would put me at ease. Normally it wouldn't. Normally I would still keep my sensors on alert. I wasn't paranoid to the level that I thought someone was going to come in to my room guns blazing. It was just automatic. Certain life experiences shape our behavior, and it is hard to break those behaviors without good reason. In my apartment, alone, with the doors triple locked, I could relax. But the level of relaxation and peacefulness I felt in that moment with J superseded any peace I'd ever found. It was always me against the world. For once, I trusted someone to protect me, to give and not just take, to respect me, and accept me.

I felt the water shift and was pulled out of my reverie. J took my glass and put it on the small table. He leaned forward and trailed kisses down my neck and over my shoulders. He'd discovered both of my strange erogenous zones. One on the back of my neck, the other my lower back, right at the end of my spine. It had to be slow kisses or gently running fingers over these spots to trigger throbbing between my legs. With my hair up, he had perfect access to the back of my neck and he took full advantage.

I took a sharp inhale of breath when I felt one hand go between my legs and the other twist my hardened nipples. He stroked my folds as if he had all time in the world, and I wasn't moving towards spontaneous, orgasmic combustion. He kissed and licked the back of my neck. In contrast, he squeezed and rolled my nipples, one at a time, with just the right amount of pressure to almost hurt, but not quite. He'd also discovered I liked it when he bit my nipples more than when he licked them. I felt my clit start to throb from the variety of sensations J was providing me.

I laid my head back against J's chest and whispered to him, "Touch me where I want to be touched."

I leaned forward and he sucked my earlobe. I felt his hand slowly make its way up to my clit. He gently rubbed it with his thumb and whispered back in my ear, "You mean here?"

"Yesssss." I felt my body tense as he plunged two fingers in me while applying more pressure to my clit and nipples. I lay back against him as I felt it building inside me.

"I love the noises you make when you are turned on and about to come. I love the way it feels around my cock, my fingers, or my tongue when you get off and your pussy throbs for me."

His voice sent me over the edge, and I bucked as stars exploded behind my eye lids. He continued stroking until I was limp in his arms. I hummed my thanks to him.

I'd barely come back to this planet, when I felt him pull the plug to the whirlpool with his foot, letting the water begin its descent down the drain. He lifted me up under my arms and stepped onto the rug in front of the whirlpool. He held his hand out to steady me, always the gentleman. Standing face to face with him, dripping water from our bodies, he took my face in both his hands and slowly leaned down to kiss me. It was gentle and soft. He sucked my lower lip into his mouth and I moaned. He'd figured out how much I liked that too. He'd figured out all the things I liked.

"Come with me. I want to tell you something," he said, taking my hand and leading me down the stairs to the bed.

It was covered in rose petals like something out of a movie. He laid me gently down on the giant bed and crawled between my legs. He repeated what he had done with his hands in the whirlpool with his tongue, tracing the edges of my folds, inside and out. He licked the crease of my legs and kissed the inside of my thighs, again making my clit throb. Just when I thought he would lick my clit he pulled away and got on top of me. He lay over me, holding his weight up with his fore arms.

"Put your legs around me," he gently commanded.

I did so and felt him sink inside of me. Our moans got tangled up in one another's just as much as our bodies were. He stilled for a second before he languidly pulled out almost to the tip, and then slowly pushed back inside me.

"Did you forget I had something to tell you?" J whispered in my ear. I could feel his smile against my neck.

"You kinda make it easy to forget everything when you're deep inside me." With that I put my hands on his ass and pulled him in a little bit deeper and squeezed.

He moaned. "Fuck, baby."

While still clenching his rock hard cock, he slid out and back in just as slowly as before. When his head was back close to mine I pulled him down and spoke against his lips.

"What did you have to tell me?" I bit his ear lobe and ran my teeth down it followed buy sucking it between my lips. I'd discovered he liked the slight pleasure/pain combo I did. Neither of us were into BDSMing it up, but we appreciated a little pain here and there.

I squeezed my legs tighter around him as his strokes sped up slightly. "You make my head dizzy," I said breathlessly.

"Too dizzy to tell me what's going on in that head of yours?"

He reached under my hips and tilted them so he could hit my G spot. I panted as he continued, thrusting slightly faster.

He leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Now do you feel dizzy?"

"Uh huh," was all I could get out.

I bit my lower lip as his hand trailed down the side of my body and down my leg wrapped around him. I felt him start to throb inside me. I knew he was close. He didn't speed up though. He kept a slow and steady pace, and moved his hand from the side of my calf to between my legs, where we were connected. He splayed his hand across my stomach as his strokes continued to hit my spot. I arched my back, pushing to meet his thrusts.

The buildup was too much. I was going to explode soon if he didn't touch my clit or speed up his movements. I whimpered and tossed my head from side to side on the pillow.

"What do you need baby?"

"More. I need more, J. I need more of you." I grabbed his ass to pull him closer to me and his finger finally went to my clit. He held it there though, not moving. It was the most beautiful torture I'd ever experienced.

"Fuck, J. Fuck. Oh God. You. Me. Oh, God."

I couldn't form coherent sentences. He finally started moving his finger, and that was all it took to send me over the edge. He built me up so high, the fall was long and hard. I felt my whole body spasm and wetness flood around his cock. I was still convulsing when he leaned over me and picked up the pace.

"I wanted to tell you—" He thrust into me two more times before he followed me over the cliff. As he shook with release, he said with a strained voice, "I love you Elle. I fuckin' love you." He lay on top of me, still buried inside me as he floated back to the earth, continuing to repeat, "I love you. God, I love you. I love you so fucking much."

We were both still high off our orgasms when I rolled us to our sides, keeping him inside of me. I looked him in the eye. I could see fear, like he wasn't sure what I was about to say.

"People say I love you all the time," I said quietly. "For the first time, I believe it. And I want to say it back. I've never said it back."

I looked into his eyes and felt mine well up with tears. "I love you, J. I love every part of you. I love the way you make me feel connected to you no matter how far away we are from each other. I love that you let me show you all my layers, each piece of me you accept. But what's more, bigger, meaningful—" J wiped a lone tear that escaped my eye. I could barely find my voice to say my last words. "I trust you, J."

He pulled my face against his chest and kissed the top of my head. "You can always trust me. I will always protect you and love you and fight for you. You're an enigma. My enigma. I'm not sure how I lucked out or what I did to deserve you, but I'm not going to think about it too much because it doesn't matter. I'm never letting go of you. I'll be yours, so long as you'll have me." He paused and pulled my face away from his chest. He laid his lips on my forehead and murmured, "Hopefully forever."

I tilted my head back and pulled his lips down to mine. "Forever," I said against them.

We lay there for five minutes, twenty minutes, an hour. I wasn't sure how long. I was the one to break the silence.

"Mmmm. I could fall asleep right now."

"I almost have," he replied sleepily, probably unaware that his semi erect cock was still inside me.

"If we were in a book we could. But we're not. So, I need to get up and use the bathroom." He shifted, moving inside me.

He squeezed me tighter. "No, don't go," he whined. I laughed at him. I loved that we could be serious one minute and playful the next.

"Memorize this position and I'll be right back."

I untangled my body from his, and he sighed at the loss of my warmth around his cock. I used the restroom and cleaned myself up. Then I got a wash cloth and wet it with warm water. I went back to the bed and threw it at J's face.

"You're welcome."

"Aw baby, it's even warm." He cleaned himself and threw the washcloth on the floor. "Now come back here so I can reposition us."

I crawled under the covers with him and curled into his body. We lay on our sides, legs all tangled in one another. He reached around and let the clip out of my hair, tossing it across the room. As I snuggled into him, ready to fall asleep. He wrapped both arms around me and buried his hands in my hair. I purred like a content cat, which is exactly how I felt. If I could've frozen that moment and lived it for the rest of my life, I would've died a happy lady.
Chapter 16

We returned home the next day and things changed between J and me, in a good way. We spent more time together. I would lay next to him in bed reading while he watched sports on TV. We were content in one another's presence. There wasn't the need to talk. We were able to just be. And we were able to 'be' while we were with one another.

It was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I did all the weird things in my apartment when he stayed over that I used to only do alone. I danced in the kitchen while I cooked dinner. I touched the quotes hung up around my apartment and closed my eyes, repeating the words over and over in my mind until I was satisfied I had fully taken the sentiment of the words into my heart and mind. I did the less than attractive things: I scratched my boobs, picked wedgies, and did my weekly charcoal facial mask. Sometimes he was there for these things and sometimes he wasn't. But it didn't matter either way. The ease between us that was created in Kansas City continued and grew when we returned home.

As obvious as my changing relationship with J was, my changing relationship with the teens was subtle. I was spending more time at the center, dropping in more often. I played Spades with the boys and beat them almost every time. I offered to go easy on them, but they were too proud. Eventually, I started teaching them the skills I had picked up along the way. When I was young and things were still good at home, my parents taught me to play Euchre. We still played at the few family gatherings I attended. Euchre was ten times harder than Spades. I tried teaching the boys Euchre once, but they didn't have the patience for all the rules, so I continued to beat them at Spades. We laughed that Marcos lost every hand, even when I wasn't playing. They found my dry humor interesting and never seemed to stop being surprised at the things I said. I censored myself greatly, but I couldn't turn my wit off. They brought out the fun loving teenager I never had a chance to be.

The girls and I developed a different relationship. They weren't as fun as the boys. They were catty with each other, and I regularly told them how important female friends were and that they shouldn't be so petty. They told me their problems. Problems with their parents, which I told them unfortunately, may never go away. I shared tidbits of my family life growing up. I told them even at twenty-three my mom still drove me nuts. They shared their boy troubles, and I had to force myself not to be jaded and give them horrible advice. Just because it took me twenty-three years and finding J to believe in and trust a man, didn't mean they had to be the same way. I told them it was OK to fall in love, because even if it didn't work out they would heal.

I came up with sayings for them.

A broken heart will heal but herpes is forever.

Penny was practically a nun when it came to sex, and the girls quickly figured out they could ask me questions. Many a bathroom conversation was I pulled into.

I parted ways with the teens, mostly the boys, by saying, "Have a good night. Don't do drugs and use a condom."

They found it funny. I was dead serious. Marcos asked me once why I said it all the time. I told him that he needed to hear it all the time, not just once. Sometimes the boys asked me questions about sex, but mostly they sent their girlfriends to ask. The girls varied in age and experience with boys. Some were grossed out by penises and wanted to avoid touching them. I told them that meant they weren't ready to have sex, and that was alright. No one should push them faster than they wanted to go. Some girls asked me why sex didn't always feel good. I told them they were doing it wrong. To this they looked at me with crazy eyes. I laughed and wrote the word 'clitoris' on a scrap of paper. I told them to go home and google it.

Of course this led to questions about touching themselves and God and morals. I told them that they had to make their own decisions about what was moral. Once one girl figured out the magic of the clitoris, the questions quickly changed from if it was OK to why boys didn't know about this. I had to rein myself in periodically and remember these girls were fifteen, sixteen, and seventeen, and I was supposed to be a good influence. Some questions I answered for one girl, but was vague with another. Genesis turned sixteen and was still with Fernie. They were having sex and it was pointless to tell them to stop. Really? After she taught Fernie about the clit there was no going back. At least she was enjoying it. I had years of bad sex before I discovered how to get myself off.

Fernie wasn't coming around the center as often. It was summer and school was almost out, so I assumed that was the reason. But a voice in the back of my head still worried, and knew that there were so many other things he was potentially doing. Penny told me that you had to learn to do what you can, but realize you can't save them all, referring to the teens. I understood what she meant, but it was hard for me. That fierce love and devotion that was inside of me extended to these teens. They became my little sisters and brothers who I would take a bullet for.

I asked Marcos one day if he had hung out with Fernie recently. He got dodgey with his answer saying yes, but not really. I pushed him further and he said Fernie had some new friends. That was all I could get out of Marcos before he bailed on our conversation. I wanted Fernie to listen to Drake, "no new friends."

My intensified relationship with J and my extra time spent at the center didn't go unnoticed by Chris. I tried to spend time with her because I didn't want to be one of those girls who ditched their friends for a boy. I'd never done that when J came into the picture, but I was spending less time with her since I was at the center more. J and I went out and did stuff, but a lot of our time was in the evenings. I had long days with school, cooking, and the teens. He was in and out of town like usual. I never thought I could enjoy a quiet night at home. I once told someone, "Why would I stay home when there is a club full of men to be had?"

It was the teens that were taking my time from Chris. I was studying for my last final one night. One more final and I was done for three months. I wasn't taking any summer courses so I could spend more time with J and the teens. I was knee deep in flash cards and text books when my phone rang. I really wanted to ignore it, as I was in the zone, but when I saw Chris' name pop up on the caller ID I knew I had to answer. I knew I'd slacked on my end of the friendship.

I swiped the bar to answer. "Yo."

"Damn stranger. I thought you fell off a cliff." Chris said it humorously, but I could tell there was a hurt undertone to the comment.

"Yeah girl. I've had a lot going on with school, work, J, and the teens."

"You 'bout to be done with school right?"

"Yep. I'm studying for my last final. How about we celebrate Saturday night? Eight Oh Eight style."

"Fucks yeah! But if we see Devon, we gotta bail to a different spot."

I really hadn't talked to her lately. Last I knew Devon was out of the picture. "What's up with Devon? I thought you gave him his walking papers."

"Fuckin' A. I did, but then I saw him a couple weeks ago and fucked him. He thought we were back together. Yo man, we fucked. That's it! So I been dodging his calls. He's finally laid off, but I don't wanna to deal with him this weekend."

I laughed. Usually I was the recycler. "Now you feel my pain?"

"Word bitch. It's so easy to recycle them. I get it now why you do it, especially if it's good. But yeah, then they don't leave you alone. I tried to tell him he could be my night time boyfriend."

I burst out laughing. "How'd he take that?"

"Not well."

"I imagine not. And stop stealing my lines!"

"You got good lines. I miss them."

"Aw Chris. I'm sorry. I'm not trynna be a ghost. My world is a little crazy right now, but I'll catch you up on Saturday. Why don't you bring your shit over in the afternoon and I'll tell you all about my trip to Kansas City."

"Finally! Your ass has been MIA since then. I gotta hear what the fuck happened on this infamous KC trip."

She wasn't going to believe what went down with J and me in Kansas City. "Word. I'll see you then."

"Bet."

Later that night I texted J.

ME: goin to club sat nite with chris. ladies nite. cool?

J: course

ME: k. comin thru tonite?

J: yep. Gonna b late

ME: use key if lights r out

J: k

ME: u've fucked me up. i can't sleep without ur warmth anymore

J: mission accomplished :)

ME: yeah yeah. c u tonite baby

J: k. luv u

ME: luv u 2

I was deep asleep when I felt J slide into my bed and wrap himself around me. I only woke up partially to allow him to cocoon me with his body and quickly fell back asleep with a deep and content sigh. We attempted to get as much of our skin touching one another as possible. J tried to tell me it was me doing it. I told him he was the one all over me every night. We'd discovered neither one of us had been this way before. He told me he had never snuggled much with his ex. And I didn't even stay the night half the time I fucked a guy. I surely didn't cuddle up to them if I did. This desire to be as close as physically possible to one another was a new phenomenon for both of us. I felt J kiss my forehead and whisper he loved me. I mumbled it in return and drifted back to sleep.
Chapter 17

I finished my last final and was ready to party Saturday night. Although I wished J could be there, I knew Chris was glad it was only us two. I was sitting in my kitchen, on a chair in the middle of the room. I had half my hair straight, and half was still a frizzy mess clipped to the side.

"Can we take a commercial break? My arm hurts. You got a lot of fuckin' hair!"

I laughed. She knew this. This wasn't our first foray into the world of flat irons and straightening cream. In fact, it was her idea to straighten it. "Let me remind you this was your idea."

"Fuckin' A, you're right, it was. Let's puff and then I'll do the other half."

Chris started to pack a bowl. "Now don't make me have one perfectly straight side of hair and one jacked up side," I said, motioning to the weed Chris was packing into the pipe.

"Chill out. Now spill it on KC." I spilled. I didn't hold back.

When it came to sex, Chris and I might just say it was the bomb or, in unfortunate circumstances, it was like fucking a jack hammer. Other times we went into detail. Graphic detail. Like play by play detail. I didn't give her a totally play by play of the sex, but I did try my best to rehash every conversation J and I had while in Kansas City. Knowing me as well as she did, Chris was speechless. On which part I was unsure. So I asked.

"Which part has your mouth broken?"

"Fuck girl. All of them. The money."

"Yep."

"Fucker's rich." I nodded. "And he loves you."

"Yes again."

"You trust him?" I nodded again.

"Where's the jacket?" I got it out of the closet. Chris' eyes got big.

"It's the shit, right?" I smiled like the Cheshire Cat because I hadn't gotten over the superb coolness of the jacket. I reached out and put my hand under Chris' chin and closed her mouth. "Dork."

"Dude. The jacket is the shit. The fuckin' hotel sounds like the shit—" I cut her off.

"Ohhh, wait. I got video." I showed her the video I had taken of the suite at Chateau Avalon.

Chris was again speechless. She just kept shaking her head as we went through the videos.

"Get back in the chair and let me get to straightening your shit before the club closes. I wanna tell you some shit." Chris was a laid back type of gal. That's why we got along. She had a sailor's mouth as did I. We could be serious, but it was usually me talking and her responding. I can't remember a time until that moment that Chris had initiated serious time with the sound of her voice. I was anxious to get in the chair to hear what she had to say.

"Go for it. Just don't burn me."

"Have I ever burned you?" I rolled my eyes. She had so burned me before. I didn't think we were that fucked up yet. Or so I hoped.

"Alright, so I know the fact that he's rich doesn't matter to you cuz I know you like that."

She did. I nodded and she continued

"I'm 'bout to keep it real girl. I'm beautiful." I reached around and smacked her leg. "Now, now. I'll burn your ear for sure if you do that. What I mean is, I know I'm traditionally beautiful."

She was. Blond hair, blue eyes, long legs, slender frame, bronze skin. Bitch could have been a Victoria's Secret model.

"And it's cool, you know, that I'm beautiful. But you know you're beautiful too?"

"Word."

"It's that, you are nontraditionally beautiful. Obviously, your hair is fuckin' rockin'. People pay to get your hair." I'd been told that quite a few times. "But it's more than the hair. It's your porcelain skin, your curves, flat stomach, and those fucking glasses men eat up. Aside from aaaaaalllll that, what is really beautiful about you is up here," she said, tapping the side of my temple. "That is what is the most beautiful about you. You are unique. You spout off all this deep shit about life and its meaning, but you follow it up with a TuPac lyric. And this," she said, placing her hand over my heart, "is also beautiful. I know you'd take a bullet for me and I'd do the same for you."

"Always girl." I put my fist up for her to bump.

"I trust you with my life, and I don't trust anyone. Men see me and want to fuck me. Men see you and want to fuck you, but also want to see what's going on in your head. Your eyes are calculating, cautious, inquisitive, and men go crazy for that deep look you give them. If you even look at them. Me, they just see my body."

"Girl, you know that's not true."

"I know you're saying that to be nice. Men get to know me and see how cool I am, but at first they just see this." She motioned to her body and face. "Despite all these dudes wanting a piece of you, you rarely give any the time of day cause they all fucking suck."

"Word." I put my fist in the air and she bumped it again.

"But J. Man, J got you. And you got him. And that shit he said to you about loving you forever, that was fucking beautiful. That's what women dream of having a man, a HOT man, say to them. I ain't gonna lie. I'm jealous as all hell, but I happy for you girl. You deserve a good man."

"Chris, you do too. Just as much."

"Of course I do," she said with a grin and a cocky hair flip. "But I know you've been through some shit, and trust less than me. Plus, I see what you've got goin' on with your life."

I was puzzled. "What do I got goin' on?"

"You're making a better life for yourself. School. The shit at that center." She set the flat iron on the table. Chris stood behind me, putting one hand on my heart and another on the top of my head. "Both of these are what make you, you. The hair and shit is icing on the cake. But what's here," she said tapping both hands, "is why J is a lucky man. I want you to be happy and you seem pretty fuckin' happy."

I turned around and beamed at Chris. "I am happy." It was a beautiful moment. Hallmark worthy. But this was Elle and Chris. "So is my shit straight or do I still have a bird's nest on one side?"

"Nah, you're good to go." I went to the mirror and marveled at how long my hair was. It hung down the middle of my back. It was also lighter, more golden than brown when straight. The light hit it different. "I feel like a different person with straight hair. It's so weird."

******

We finished getting ready and headed to Eight Oh Eight around eleven. I threw a hat in the car. If I sweated, the hair around my face would curl back up necessitating a hat. I was sporting an olive green tank top with brown wedge boots that night, so I tossed my camouflage army hat in the back of Chris' car. It was warm enough to go without a coat finally, but there was still a light chill in the air. It was late May. It would be another few weeks before it started to be shorts and flip-flops wearing weather.

Chris and I did our normal routine. We came in the back, got a drink at the back bar, and were in the midst of doing our first lap around the club.

"Holler if you see Devon," Chris yelled back to me over Kanye's Jesus Walks.

"I got your back."

We were standing at the back bar, opposite the pool room. Chris found a guy she liked, so I had to chat up the friend. He wasn't bad looking. Tall enough. Eight months ago I might have been interested. Not tonight. I still talked to him. I had a slight buzz going so I was on point with my game.

"You come around here often?" the friend asked.

I looked at him over the top of my glasses. Really. He was coming at me with that?

"Sometimes." I shrugged. "You?"

"Nah, every once in a while, but I'm a fast roller you know. I got shit comin' up that keeps me on the move."

"Oh really. What kind of shit is it that keeps you moving?"

"Aw you know, I got a couple businesses I'm building up and people to maintain."

Really? Really. I had the sudden urge to grab his hand and smack his palm on his forehead because that's how lame he sounded.

"You got kids?"

"Yeah, two. You got any?"

"No. You with their mother?"

"Nah, them crazy bitches. How come you ain't got any kids? You're beautiful."

I pushed my glasses up and looked him in the eye. Because I'm beautiful I should've let some guy knock me up by now? Fuckin' A. I took a breath so I didn't say something totally rude, and made sure he was looking at my serious face.

"I use condoms."

He laughed like I was joking. I didn't laugh. I just kept looking him in the eye. His laughs slowed, and then stopped, and he started to fidget like he was uncomfortable. Mission accomplished.

Praise God that my phone vibrated in my purse at that moment. I wasn't sure what was about to come out of dude's mouth next, but I was sure it would continue along the general lines of bull shit he had been spouting so far.

I looked at my phone. It was a message from Genesis.

GENESIS: where are you?

ME: out. is everything ok?

GENESIS: no

ME: what's wrong?

GENESIS: can u come where I am?

ME: what's going on genesis?

GENESIS: it's fernie

ME: what about fernie?

There was no response. Fuck. I tapped Chris on the shoulder. "I'm gonna step outside for a sec to take a call."

"I'll go with you." With that she grabbed my arm and pulled me outside to some patio chairs. "Those dudes were full of shit."

"Tell me about it. Let me make a call. It's one of my teens."

"Do they usually call you?"

I looked at the phone and then at Chris, and furrowed my brow. "No." I dialed Genesis' phone number, but no one answered. "That's strange. Genesis asked me to come where she is and that something's up with Fernie, but wouldn't say what was up and didn't answer just now."

"Genesis and Fernie are your teens?"

"Yeah." Just then the phone rang. "Genesis. Are you ok?"

She whispered to me, "No. Can you come here? I'll text you the address."

"Why are you whispering? Are you in trouble?"

"I don't want anyone to hear. I'm at this house with Fernie. I'm in the bathroom. There's all these drugs here, and this big dude and another guy came in and are saying Fernie's friend owes him money or something. I'm in the bathroom. I think Fernie is involved cause he keeps saying he'll get the money."

"Text me the address. I'll text your phone when I'm there. Is there a window in the bathroom?"

"Yes."

"Try to climb out if you can."

"OK."

"Alright Genesis, I'll be there soon."

"OK."

I hung up the phone and looked up at Chris. "I gotta go get her. Will you take me to my car?"

"What'd she say?"

I pulled my hair back in a loose ponytail at the nape of my neck. "Fuck, I'll tell you on the way to the car."

As we walked through the parking lot, I told Chris what Genesis said.

"Fuck, Elle. You aren't going alone. I'll fucking drive us."

"You don't have to. I don't want you mixed up in this."

If looks could kill. "Eleanor Skye. You know you do not need to be goin' up in there alone. And you also know I'll kick some ass. So get in my car and gimme the fucking address."

I passed her my phone with the address that Genesis texted me. "Shit's in the fuckin' hood."

"You thought it would be in suburbia?" I asked.

We pulled up outside a one story house with a living room window in the front. The curtains were closed, but I could make out a few body outlines. Chris parked the car a few houses down. I saw a window to the right of the living room window that Genesis was huddled under. She had gotten out the bathroom window and luckily it was low to the ground.

I looked at Chris. "Stay here for now and keep the car running?"

"What are you gonna do?"

"I'm gonna climb in the window and see if I can hear what's going on."

"Fuck! I'm coming with you."

"No, I need you to keep the car running."

"Alright but you come get me if you are gonna make any moves inside."

I nodded at her and grabbed my hat, pulling it down over my eyes.

I got out of the car and looked around to see if anyone was around. There were a few other houses on this block, but they were fairly spread apart. Most were smaller craftsman style houses. Most were nice at one point, but had seen better days. It wasn't the worst neighborhood but it certainly wasn't the best.

I came up to the house from the east side by the window Genesis was outside of, making sure there were no windows on the side with lights on. I crouched down and Genesis started crying. I hushed her. Now was not the time to be loud.

"Elle. It's all fucked up in there. There are all these guys yelling, and Fernie is in there. And there are drugs all over. We were just supposed to stop here for a minute and then all this happened. I didn't know what to do."

"It's ok." I put my arm around Genesis. I looked up and saw that the window didn't have a screen, and was wide open. "Look, I'm gonna go in the bathroom and listen to what's going on. You stay here for a second and let me scope out the situation." Genesis nodded at me, tears still streaming down her face.

As I crawled in the window, calm washed over me. The Elle that had slowly been slipping away was back in full force. The Elle in the nightmares was back, but she wasn't a kid anymore. She was an adult. She has seen it all and done it all. She was emotionless.

I got in the window, glad for the wedge heeled boots. It gave me three extra inches making the climb easier and it was better than a five inch stiletto I could be in. Sneakers would have been better, but I had to deal with what I had. The bathroom was long and there were two drawers under the sink. I looked through each one. Not much I could use as a weapon. Fuck. I got out my phone and texted Chris.

ME: u got that bat in the trunk still

CHRIS: yea. i got a metal pipe too

ME: i'm sending genesis over.

"Genesis," I whispered out the window. "Do you know how to drive?"

"Yeah."

"Go over to the car. That's my friend Chris. Tell her to bring both items over here, and you get behind the wheel. Keep the car running. Keep your eyes on the door and this window. If you see us running towards the car, get ready to take off. Got it?"

She nodded, fear in her eyes. I never wanted this for her, but it was too late. I could only hope she learned quicker than I did.

Chris came to the window. "Pipe or bat?"

"Pipe. You keep the bat. Stay under the window?"

"Yeah."

I grabbed the pipe. I was about three feet long and the diameter of a large barrel curling iron. Plus, bitch was titanium. Fuck yeah. I took a hand mirror I found in one of the cabinets and eased open the bathroom door. It was right next to the living room. I held the mirror out of the door just enough to see what was going on.

I could see Fernie on a couch, and a man with a gun pointed at him, his back to me. There was a guy next to Fernie that I'd never seen. He looked barely legal. They both were scared shitless. A second man was standing next to the guy with the gun. He was doing all the talking, and it seemed Fernie and his friend owed the guys' boss money for some coke they bought. It sounded like they'd bought quantity and were going to sell it, but I had a feeling too much of it went up their nose to make a profit, let alone enough to pay back their dealer.

The guy with the gun looked big, but he was only half in my line of vision with the mirror. The one next to him was tall, but skinny. I could see his full form.

"You've had your chance to pay and you haven't. I even gave you an extra week and here you sit without my FUCKING MONEY!" Skinny Guy screamed that last part. Fuck. Fernie and his boy were in deep. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"Now," Skinny Guy continued, "Either you pay up, or this one's taking a bullet. What's it gonna be? Or are you going to give me that girl I heard hiding in the bathroom?" Fernie's eye brows shot up. "Eh, thought I didn't know about her little boy. Well, you're playing with the big dogs now. You give her to me, and I'll give you another week to get my boss's money."

Fernie took a breath and I held mine. He looked at Skinny Guy and spit in his face. Although I was glad he wasn't willing to sell out Genesis, I realized something he didn't. He just made a power play. He didn't spit in the face of some fifteen-year-old punk. He spit in a grown man's face while another grown man had a gun aimed at him.

In that instant I remembered being seventeen and feeling immortal. Just like Fernie in that moment, I thought I would never die and nothing could harm me. I was smarter than Fernie and nothing irreparable ever happened to my body. Fernie had fucked up royally.

I exhaled my breath and everything seemed to happen in slow motion, yet all at the same time. I heard the gunman pull the safety off the gun and cock it back. Skinny Guy wiped the spit off his face and yelled something incoherent at Fernie. I saw the gunman's arm move up higher, ready to shoot Fernie in the head at Skinny Guy's command.

My eyes darted back and forth on the little mirror between what I could see of the gunman and Skinny Guy. Fernie stared at them both with a look of defiance. His friend on the couch next to him pissed his pants.

Skinny Guy lifted his hand and made a hand gesture of a gun, pointed right at Fernie. My heart pounding, I shoved the bathroom door open with my boot and ran for the living room. I came up behind Skinny Guy and shoved him down. I lunged for Fernie and swung the metal pipe at the big guy. I heard two sounds simultaneously. The sound of the pipe hitting Kevlar, and a gun firing.

"Nooooooooo!!!" I heard someone shouting. I didn't know who it was.

"Elle. Elle!" I looked at Fernie. I had fallen across the couch over his lap. I looked up at him. He was shaking. He had blood on his legs and it was streaming down his jeans.

"Fernie," I whispered. "We've got to get you out of here." I looked at him, but he started to get fuzzy, and I was struggling to talk through labored breathing.

"Elle. ELLE!"

'I'm right here, Fernie," I mumbled, my eyes fluttering closed.

"Keep your eyes open, Elle. Look at me, Elle."

I opened my eyes when I felt my body being moved and pressure on my side. I looked down at the hand holding a towel to my side. It was covered in blood. My eyes followed the arm attached to the hand up to the face.

"Elle. You're gonna be ok."

I struggled to keep my eyes trained on the face in front of me. "J?"

As if we were in a movie, it seemed at that moment, everything sped up, and not only did normal time start again, but chaos ensued. I was struggling to hold my eyes open, but I heard Chris' voice.

"What the fuck, J?"

"Chris."

"You fucking shot her? You fucking shot her!"

"I didn't know it was her."

"You've had your dick in her since there was snow on the ground and you didn't know it was her?"

"Pull your fucking car up. We gotta get her to the hospital." I felt arms lifting me up, and my hat fell to the ground. "Keep your eyes open for me, baby."

My eyes were so heavy. I tried to keep them open, but the pain was making darkness spread all over me. It was too easy to give into the blackness.

"Eyes open, baby. Keep breathing. We're almost there."

I looked up, and could swear I saw the man I loved. The man who had promised to protect me and love me. The man who said he would never hurt me. The man I trusted with my life. We all hurt each other at some point. That was my last thought as I let the darkness take me over, and I closed my eyes.

###
Thank you for taking the time to read this book. It's my first, and let me tell you, it's been one hell of a ride! If you enjoyed my book, please leave a review at your favorite retailer. It would mean a lot to me.

Find me on  Facebook, Instagram, or  Goodreads. Don't hesitate to shoot me a message. I'll always reply. You will also find updates on the next books in the series as well other standalones I'm working on via the aforementioned social media sites.

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Many thanks-Emily

I have to give a shout out to V. J. Chambers. You would not be reading this is it weren't for her and her book Slow Burn. My love of Slow Burn's heroine made me contact Chambers, and a mutual love of the Buffster began our friendship. It was her encouragement that got the ball rolling. I told her about my idea for this book, and she told me to write it. I was all, "dude, I can't write a book" and she was all "sure you can!" She has been with me every step of the way, and I couldn't be more grateful. I have sent her various emails with bullet pointed questions and she graciously answered them all, even the grammar (especially the grammar!). So thanks V. If you fell off the face of the earth, you would be dearly missed.

Elena. You devour romances. Thanks for devouring mine. Thanks for kicking J up a notch, for his awesome tat, and for telling me, "I feel like I could work at Applebee's." I guess I forgot I wasn't training someone to run the grill. Old habits die hard. You were the first person I have met in the real world that I showed this book to.

To Lisagh. Not only did your edits rock, but your positive comments made me fell all warm and fuzzy inside. As a first-time writer, I thought various times, "aw crap, do I suck?" Your positive feedback on the stuff you liked helped me push through to start writing another book. I will also forever be indebted to you for teaching me all about the wonderful world of the COMMA.

Mariana. What can I say? You're the greatest BFF because you introduced me not only to the e-reader, but to Gideon. Ah, Gideon. Your words, "I just couldn't get enough of Gideon," were what made me the e-reader/romance-aholic/book devourer that I am today. It's also what got me thinking of my own romance ideas that turned into Steel & Ice. Thanks, girl. I'd take a bullet for you.

