 
## Devotionals for Couples

### The Complete Spiritual Guide to Find Love and Keep It

### Doris J. Barnes

Copyright © 2017 by Doris J. Barnes

### Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 Give up the ghost

Chapter 2 What women want?

Chapter 3 God doesn't do coincidences

Chapter 4 Dating Dilemma: Are You Turning Away What's Best for You?

Chapter 5 Should I date a non-Christian?

Chapter 6 Awkward people don't need a cure – they need community

Chapter 7 I was wondering... if we have a spark

Chapter 8 A word from God... or dreaming?

Chapter 9 Tips for maintaining long distance love

Chapter 10 Basic Sexting Education

Chapter 11 Top tips for preparing for the first date

Chapter 12 Have I missed out?

Chapter 13 When God does not meet your expectations

Chapter 14 Why attraction matters (and you're not shallow to want it)

Chapter 15 A valuable lesson on marriage from a 10-year-old email

Chapter 16 When you're stood up: A Short Inspirational Story

Chapter 17 Have we forgotten how to enjoy dating?

Chapter 18 The science of online dating: ways to boost your success

Chapter 19 The curious blessing of rejection

Chapter 20 Signs you're in the wrong relationship

Chapter 21 Conundrums of online dating with a mental health diagnosis

Chapter 22 Reject abuse... choose love!

Chapter 23 Compatibility: Is it about me finding, or us building?

Chapter 24 Things every single person should consider

Chapter 25 Traits to avoid if you're single

Chapter 26 Original date ideas

Chapter 27 Ways to spot a scammer

Chapter 28 I was wondering... what's your fantasy?

Chapter 29 How far is too far before marriage?

Chapter 30 Are Christians afraid of dating?

Chapter 31 Dating and the denomination dilemma

Chapter 32 No-pressure dating and the value of friendship

Chapter 33 No chemistry? Take a second look

Chapter 34 'Date to marry' or 'Marry to date?'

Chapter 35 Too busy to find love? Time for a new year's resolution!

Chapter 36 Christian principles that will help your relationships

Chapter 37 Backing out and Breaking up

Chapter 38 Breaking The Top Five Myths of Christian Dating

### Introduction

If you are like most dating couples, you are looking for more than just a companion is – you want a soul mate! The essence of a true soul mate relationship is that of deep spiritual connection.

This dynamic book, _Devotionals for Couples_ , offers guidance for deepening your commitment to God as individuals and as a couple. Through short chapters focused on such essential topics as prayer, simplicity, community, and purity, you will discover how to make your most important love relationships–with God and your potential mate–strong, lasting, and radiant.

Relationship experts Ben Young and Samuel Adams, authors of _The Ten Commandments of Dating and The One_ , give user-friendly tips for nurturing your personal walk with God and enhancing your spiritual connection as a couple. As you read the devotions each day, you will:

• Become a great lover by learning to love God first

• Develop the essential disciplines of a lasting relationship

• Focus on the important things in life

• Discover a sense of spiritual purpose and meaning

• Understand that grace is not just for 'beginners' – it is for you, every day

Whether you are dating seriously or engaged to be married, these daily personal devotions and weekly couple's devotions will help you discover the way to lifelong love.

### Chapter 1  
Give up the ghost

'I can't believe it– I've been ghosted!' said the Facebook message. 'I'd been on six dates with this guy after meeting online. We were getting on well, we had shared a few kisses, and it was all looking positive. Then, three weeks ago, he just... disappeared. He stopped getting in touch and did not answer emails and texts. I was worried something might have happened to him so I called a couple of times, but there was no response. Now I can see he is active on the dating website again. I cannot believe he would scarper without a word. Surely I deserve the courtesy of a goodbye... don't I?'

Until a few years ago, I had never heard of 'ghosting'. Now I hear stories all the time of people who, instead of ending a relationship properly, just 'go dark'. Without warning, they cut off all communication, ignore calls and texts, and may even put a block on social media. Finally, it dawns on the victim that they have been dumped – no explanation, no closure. It can be very painful, leading to feelings of confusion, anger, grief, and self-doubt.

Ghosting is also common in online chat. Of course, this does not cause the same amount of pain as when someone does a cut-and-run from a relationship, but it's still pretty unpleasant if you've been chatting with someone for a while, you feel a growing affinity with them, and then the signal goes dead. You may find yourself going back over correspondence, trying to work out what you said wrong, (I once emailed a guy to apologies, convinced I must have said something that upset or offended him... turns out, I hadn't). If your self-esteem is not great, it can feel like yet more proof that you are worthless as a potential partner.

However, if you have been ghosted: take heart. It is much more about them than about you. People rarely ghost as a comment on the other person or to be deliberately cruel. In fact, it is an act of cowardice. Telling someone, you want to end a relationship, or do not wish to continue chatting, take a certain amount of bravery and strength of character. It is not easy to witness someone's hurt feelings and know you are the cause of their disappointment. Some try to claim it is the kindest option, but the truth is that people do not like to feel guilty. They do not want to have to give an explanation so they take the easy way out. Even though it causes more pain for the other person, at least they do not have to witness it.

Yes, it is woefully rude and inconsiderate – but if someone ghosts you, they have given you a very valuable piece of information about themselves. Relationship experts all agree that for a marriage to thrive, both partners must be able to deal with emotional issues openly and honestly, even when it is uncomfortable. Sweeping problems under the rug is fatal for relationships – and ghosting is the ultimate in rug sweeping! So be grateful you have been saved from a relationship with someone who is ill equipped for long-term love.

Now, to those tempted to ghost someone: I get it. I am naturally conflict-avoidant, I hate confrontation, and I understand the urge to run away rather than tell someone a difficult truth to his or her face. However, we are followers of Christ so we must strive to treat each other better. Ghosting someone might make it easier for you – but it simply passes the pain onto the victim. A study published in the Journal of Research in Personality found it was one of the worst ways to end a relationship, leading to the most anger, hurt and rejection.

Despite the short-term discomfort – and there will probably be some – we owe it to others to grow a backbone... to make a clean break so they can move on. In addition, yes, even online, I believe basic courtesy compels us to say something, even if it is just: 'I've enjoyed chatting but I'm going to draw it to a close now. All the best in your search for love.'

Learning to deal with endings in a mature way will also benefit you. If you encounter problems in a future relationship, you will not be able to deal with them if all you know is how to run away. Repeatedly ghosting people will also desensitize you to other people's feelings. Learning to face difficult issues head on will enable you to have a healthy marriage in future.

There is one exception to all this. One of my Facebook followers told me about a person who bombarded her with demands, and got bitter and angry when she did not respond exactly as he wished. She would did not want to continue feeding his alarming behavior, so she simply blocked him – and she was right to do so. If someone makes you feel threatened or behaves inappropriately, do not let politeness get in the way of protecting yourself. Shut down communication and get your ghost on

### Chapter 2  
What women want?

You know that movie with the same title; the one where Mel Gibson plays the role of a man that is electrocuted and somehow gains the ability to read women's minds? Well, that is not what this is about. However, wouldn't it be a wonderful world if men actually knew what women want?

The truth is I do not think many of us women even know what we want most of the time. When it comes to men, we think and sometimes say we want certain things but most women hardly ever sit down to think about what they want in a man. So, guess what? I did just that. I thought about and came up with ten things I want in my man, and since I think, I am representative of most (sensible) women, I think this list comprises of what most of them would want too. In addition, you would be surprised, it is not just diamonds, or clothes, or shoes!

1. Honesty

Women want their men to be honest, truthful, and transparent. In everything. Be honest when you have done something wrong (no matter how you think she will react); it helps build trust.

2. Faithfulness/Commitment

This is understandable. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone that will cheat on them, or leave them when things start to go pear-shaped. Women want someone that will stick with them through thick and thin.

3. Reliability

Women want someone they can rely on. You know someone that is stable, focused, and knows what he wants. Not someone whose life is like a yo-yo.

4. Protection

This is not just about security and the size of your wallet. No matter how independent and strong a woman is, she still wants a man that can protect her. Someone that she knows can handle things and someone she knows has her back.

5. Vulnerability

This does not equate to weakness. It is about being open in your relationship, and being willing to share what is really going on in your mind. Let her know your fears, your doubts, and your concerns. Women want someone who is not afraid to show their sensitive side. Crying (occasionally) is OK.

6. Attention

Women want you to give them your time. Quality time. Let them know that you 'see' them, hear them, understand them, (or at least try to).

7. Affection

Being affectionate comes more easily to some people than others. However, most women want a man that shows them affection. This includes being loving and caring and all the other romantic stuff.

8. Those three words

Even though many people say it and do not mean it, women like to hear the words 'I love you'. Try to say it often and with sincerity.

9. Compliments

Everyone loves compliments, but there is nothing like getting it from the man you love. Tell her she looks and smells nice, her meal was delicious, you are proud of her achievements. It is for your own benefit, trust me.

10. Gifts

Do not be a cheapskate. Buy her gifts. In addition, they do not have to be expensive. Even though they say diamonds are a girl's best friend, most women appreciate what a man put time and effort and thought into more than what he just clicked on a button to buy.

So there you go; ten things women want. I have arranged them in order of priority in my opinion. Ladies, feel free to add what you think I missed out and what you think should go where.

### Chapter 3  
God doesn't do coincidences

Throughout my 20s, one of the biggest sources of stress in my life was the fear that God did not really love me and that I would never really know where I stood with Him. As I'm sure I'm not the only one faced with such fears, I thought it appropriate to bring you the story of a dear friend of mine who agreed to share his personal story in order to help individuals who are in the same place he was.;

"My story begins like many others – with the uncertainty of being worthy of His love and the inability to know for sure His love for me is unshakable. As all foolish young men, I of course felt the need to rebel and at one point I put His love to the test: I went on a sinning spree that took me further than I wanted to go and convinced there was no way back.

In theory, I knew Jesus still loved me, but theory was as far as it went. Sure, His blood would still allow me to go to Heaven, but I figured it would be a while before He offered me any other blessings. Yet that was the very moment He chose to bring the greatest blessing of my life: my wife, Raquel.

We met at a party that Raquel almost skipped because there was a terrific storm in D.C. and she hardly knew anyone who was coming to the party. I struck up a conversation with her, got her number, went on a couple of dates with her, and quickly grew to like her. Then, a few weeks into the relationship, I tried to run her off by telling her about my not-so-distant past. To my surprise, she didn't run. She offered the kind of love I was having so much trouble receiving from God.

It was the beginning of a new chapter in my understanding of Christ's love, which is why I said at our wedding, "If I ever question whether God loves me based on my performance, all I have to do is look at Raquel."

No Coincidence

To the world, Raquel's and my story is one about a heartwarming, coincidental meeting of two people who were ready to find love. For the Christian, however, there is no such thing as a coincidence."

The things that happen to us, good or bad, are subplots in a much bigger story: "That all things" — even our failures and brokenness — _"work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose"_ (Romans 8:28).

God is the Author, and in His story, there are no accidental twists, no insignificant details, no wasted moments.

Those years of purposelessness that seemed like a waste of time: They are working together for our good.

The failures that still haunt us: They are working together for our good.

The successes of other people: They are working together for our good.

The sins that have been committed against us: They are working together for our good.

The world events over which we have no control: They are working together for our good.

That does not mean all these things are good. It means we serve a resurrected Savior who has the power to bring life from death, gain from loss, and joy from sorrow. He's drawing us deeper into His story in which we eventually discover that all along, every single circumstance was adding up to a surprise ending that was _"immeasurably more than all we could ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3:20)._

### Chapter 4  
Dating Dilemma: Are You Turning Away What's Best for You?

Sometimes what is familiar is not what is best for us.

Maybe we grew up in a situation that we knew was not healthy, or we have spent long periods in relationships we knew were not good for us. Maybe we have spent too much time around people we know are toxic, or been exposed to marriages that are more hurtful than loving.

Sometimes what is familiar to us is the exact opposite of what God intended.

And its people like us who are most likely to go back to the familiar, to talk ourselves into accepting what we shouldn't, to ignore the red flags we seeing waving all around us... simply because our comfort zone is a broken place.

A sweet friend of mine recently said, "If God is taking you out of your comfort zone and you're kicking and screaming, STOP. He's trying to give you the desires of your heart."

• Maybe your comfort zone is you on a hamster wheel trying to please someone who will never be pleased.

• Maybe your comfort zone is accepting that you are unlovable or undeserving of love, even when you know that is not true.

• Maybe your comfort zone is being alone for fear that no one will stick with you through the tough times.

However, it is time we call it what it is. So we can move past it, and away from it, and actually in the complete opposite direction of it.

Whether you are in a season of singleness or dating, if your comfort zone is a place you know is not where you want to end up, I pray you remind yourself of the following:

When you finally find God's best for you, the person you know beyond all doubt that He is placing before you is His very, very best...

It will feel like a lie.

Because when you are used to broken, healthy is unfamiliar and scary.

When you are used to broken, God is best for you seems too good to be true and therefore inherently bad — even though that is all in your head.

Take an inventory of your past and where your heart is today. Spend time in prayer with God, asking Him to break the walls you have placed around your heart, and the blinders you have worn for way too long. Spend time thinking deeply about why you are turning away good people in your dating life for ridiculous reasons. Then, reconsider.

God wants you in a healthy place. Do not fight Him.

### Chapter 5  
Should I date a non-Christian?

Often Christians are in a church with an uneven number of single Christian people and girls. They want to be in a relationship, or already like a non-Christian, and wonder if it is wise to date them. However, the answer is not yes, no, maybe or sometimes, the answer is, it is the wrong question. The real question should be ' **What kind of relationships do I want to build**?' Then we can decide if this person would help, whether they are Christian or not.

The question 'Should I date a non-Christian?' is one that is no doubt debated among Christians all the time. The reason is not that it is a stimulating academic topic, but because many Christians are dating, or potentially will date, non-Christians.

This is not just an abstract concept for them; it is a real issue.

Someone in the church that it is wrong, it is bad, and they should not do it has probably told many. This probably made them feel guilty or feel bad. However, they want to be in a relationship and there is nothing wrong with that. They also clearly want God to be involved; otherwise, they would not even be asking the question, they would just get on with it.

Often they are told they should only go out with a Christian. However, the truth is, going out with a Christian does not mean your relationship will automatically honor God.

I know Christians who both love God, who have dated but it has ended badly or been a complete train wreck. They just were not suited or approached the relationships with unhealthy expectations.

Dating a Christian is not a pass to automatic dating happiness. In addition, dating a non-Christian is not a route to unthinkable dating horrors either. Honoring God requires a deeper question.

What Does The Bible Say?

The Bible never talks about dating. It was written in an arranged marriage culture and we cannot twist random verses to make a 'seven steps to dating bliss' plan. Although, this does not mean it cannot help us.

The Bible does talk a lot about another intimate romantic relationship, namely marriage, and marrying non-believers.

While we cannot just apply Bible verses about marriage to modern dating dilemmas, it can help us think through some helpful principles. The blog written for Christian Connection 'Should you marry a non-Christian?', written by David Intone-Brewer, looked at the issue of the biblical teaching on marrying non-Christians.

It is definitely worth a read as he takes the text seriously and picks out some important points. For example, he highlights the fact that God loves non-Christians and values marriage, even if a Christian marries a non-Christian.

However, David concludes that it is actually okay to marry a non-Christian. The 'rules' and teaching in the Bible about marrying a non-believer are more about the cultural situation rather than some divine command.

While his article is interesting, I would argue his conclusion has overlooked some key points. The main two I want to highlight are:

Paul's Vision Is Above Culture

Paul talks about marriage as being above the culture in _Ephesians 5:21-33_. It reflects God's relationship and love for His church. Moreover, Paul's vision for husbands laying down their lives and wives submitting can only be achieved if the spouses believe in Christ and his achievements.

David is right to say that Paul is pastoral when believers and non-believers are married. Paul realizes it is not black and white all the time and God still wants to be involved in their relationship no matter what. However, Paul thinks the ideal for marriage is rooted in the couple's relationship with God.

Old Testament Understanding

David also argues that in the Old Testament there was no rule for marrying a non-believer. However, most of his examples are from early on in the Bible (the first six books), which you could argue come before there was a developed understanding of inter-faith marriage. After this point, you could even argue there was a cultural assumption that you marry within your own religion. Which is why it is not an issue largely.

Now I am not saying marrying a non-Christian is right or wrong, that is not the point. However, whether you agree with David or not, I think partner selection in dating and marriage still comes down to a deeper question.

I think Jesus clearly shows us that God actually wants us to go deeper than rules and laws when it comes to how we live for Him. Including in the area of relationships. I think the deeper question has to be 'What kind of relationship do I want to build?'

The Deeper Question

When Christians ask me 'Should I date a Non-Christian', I always respond by asking 'What kind of relationship do you want to build? Do you want one where you can pray together? Do you want one where you are both spurring each other on to make God the center of your life and choices? Do you want one where you support each other? Do you want to date someone with the same values? Do you want to date someone who goes to the same church?'

Then I ask 'Do you think the person you like will help you achieve that?'

Now let us be honest, we do not have a crystal ball, and we do not know the future. However, from what you know about yourself and about them, do you think together you could build the type of relationship you crave?

Them being a Christian does not mean the answer to these important questions is automatically 'yes'. In fact, this is about more than the pews they sit, or do not sit on, on a Sunday. It becomes about thinking what our priorities actually are. What are the important things in our lives? What do we value the most?

It becomes about more than ticking the 'right' or 'wrong' box, and about preparing, with God in mind, how we can build something worth having with that potentially special someone.

### Chapter 6  
Awkward people don't need a cure – they need community

Awkwardness is not a problem needing a quick fix and it certainly isn't something that will prevent you from having full meaningful relationships. God loves all his sons and daughters equally and will help you find a soul matching yours no matter how awkward you are.

My dear son has agreed to share some of his feeling and thoughts to help others see that you are never alone in your feelings:

"For many of my single years, I was hopelessly awkward. No doubt, there were still attractive things about my personality (or at least my mom says there were), but overall, I was somewhat weird.

In college, most of my awkwardness came from die-hard legalism, a weird, evangelical asceticism that involved no dating, parties, movies, TV, secular magazines, secular music, or Christian music that sounded too secular. Moreover, I felt compelled to announce my convictions to everyone and make my awkwardness as glaringly obvious as possible.

There was this one time during my first year when I invited my friend Rebecca and her non-Christian friend to have lunch with me. When she and her friend sat down, I panicked, fearing they might think I was coming on to them. I decided to clear things up.

"Ladies," I said, "before we pray over the food, there's something I want to make clear: When I invited you to this table, I wasn't hitting on you or trying to turn this into a date. We're just three people having lunch, okay?"

They looked at each other, then at me, and then Rebecca began nervously stuttering and stammering, trying to clarify they wanted lunch, just lunch, and nothing more. I had done it again — I had made a perfectly normal situation very uncomfortable.

There's No Ageing out of Awkward

Stuff like this happened all the time. In one instance, my friends started watching a James Bond movie, so I went into the kitchen to sulk, and pray for them the whole time (a person I did not know walked in the kitchen and was like, "Are you okay?" I looked at him and said, "I'm fine — just praying"). Then there was the time I told my college pastor I thought he was in sin because he watched TV. Oh, and let's not forget the time I wrote a long, rambling letter to my economics teacher on the back of a test, inviting him to give his life to Jesus.

Awkward, awkward, awkward.

You can imagine how this approach went over with those whom I wanted to impress, even though I pushed them away in the name of Jesus. However, the problem is I couldn't see the effects of my awkwardness. I was too close to it- I think a lot of people can relate.

I have met introverted people who freeze up around everyone but their family members. I have known others who have no filter and manage to offend and alienate everyone but the people who agree with them (and even those people get tired of hearing the rants). Then there are folks who overshare, regularly making conversations into therapy sessions.

People do not make it out of awkwardness alone — they need community. In my case, I developed long-term friendships with a handful of men and women who were honest about my awkwardness but also made it clear they would love me even if I never changed. They gave me space to feel safe and open up about the insecurities fueling my actions. In addition, eventually their love gave me the courage to talk about the deep wounds that were actually behind my insecurities. They provided acceptance I had never experienced before, and as a result, I flourished.

It can be difficult to accept those who are awkward. We want our friendships to be easy, effortless, especially now when friendships are difficult to generate without dorm activities and shared classes to bond over. However, I still had great value as a person and as a friend, and I was desperate for people to see that — and when they did? I lost my edge. Those weaknesses that fed my awkward behavior were no longer an issue.

Those friendships and communities did not "cure" me. I did not need to be cured. These dear friends simply liked me, and I learned to like me too — the real me. I just needed the Holy Spirit to take their perfect love and cast out the fear that was pushing me to be something else."

### Chapter 7  
I was wondering... if we have a spark

An hour of your time. That is all it takes to ensure a rosy romantic future. Meet a stranger, look into their eyes, throw around a few words and glances, and wait for the chemical reaction. If you feel it – the frisson, the shudder, the flutter – rejoice! The foundation for a wonderful relationship is laid. If not, if there is nothing there but another human staring back, with all their imperfections, it is time to shrug and move on. Back to the drawing board. Back to trawling profile after profile. Back to the awkward opening messages and attempts at originality. It will be worth it though. Knowing that the next one could have it. Yes, it.

You know what I am talking about: the longed-for, elusive spark. The reason, very possibly, you are here reading this and not galloping on gilded unicorns down a beach at sunset with your soulmate while cherubs play harps.

That's not me! You cry, I am not looking for the impossible. I just want to feel... something. In addition, the timescales for this are limited. I have an hour, maybe two, and if it's not tweaking my heart by then I know this person could never mean anything romantic to me.

Pause, dear friend, and reconsider. Do you know who would actually be a good partner for you? In addition, would you know when you encountered them for the first time? A sweet lady who had been single for 14 years who appeared on British TV series First Dates (discreetly filmed blind dates, well matched by the TV company) tearfully explained at the end of an evening with a man who shared her interests, passions, and sense of humor, who had commented enthusiastically on her "lovely heart" and how much she had to offer, and how much she deserved to be happy, and wanted to see her again, was a non-starter for her because there was no... can you guess? Spark. "Maybe I had really high expectations," she said, after wiping her tears, "But I can't help it. I'm the person that wants that fairytale ending." I howled (what do you mean I am overinvested?), a psychotherapist despaired, and the entire nation (what do you mean I am exaggerating?) threw its hands in the air.

I have encountered many real life similar situations, and I am moving swiftly towards a zero tolerance approach on sparks. They are no indicator of a successful relationship, but rather a barrier to genuine connection. Sparks suggest we know someone more than we possibly could. They tell the lie that what we're projecting on someone after eye contact or a conversation that seems to go deep very quickly is a sign of long-standing potential. Relationships are made not bestowed from on high. A spark may be one tiny element of what evolves into a great partnership, or it may be gone in a week. Sparks are not to be trusted – how often does one dater feel them only to be surprised the other didn't? Therefore, before you write off a pleasant first meeting that did not set your world alight, will you asks yourself a few questions.

What could have been different about this date that would convince me a second was worthwhile?

How should a dating relationship unfold, and does my past suggest I am repeating mistakes – for example, am I always meeting people where the spark isn't mutual?

Do I have such a fixed idea of what my future partner and relationship will be like that, I am closed to people who might actually be good for me and me for them?

Is there anything holding me back from starting a relationship, like a fear of getting close to someone, that makes it easier to find reasons not to?

Whom do I know in healthy relationships now who laugh at the idea of a spark when they first met their partner and what would they suggest I do?

What if there is no such thing as a spark and the only time I felt one was in that café with dodgy electrics and nylon carpets?

So, no more no spark talk, if I may be so bold. Instead, give it time, work out what might be causing you to write off someone after date – or even message – one. You are obviously excused if they are in any way mean, dangerous, or abusive and if you think, you feel a spark even then, please message me ASAP. However, why not see what could develop if you reset your expectations?

### Chapter 8  
A word from God... or dreaming?

'Someone gave me a prophetic word that my future husband lives in a particular city, that I must step out in faith to meet him, and that we'll have children, which I long for,' said the letter. 'I'm very excited and I'm now planning to relocate. This will mean leaving my job and moving to a place where I don't know anyone, but I want to be obedient and it'll be worth it to meet the man God has planned for me.'

Crake... what could possibly go wrong?

Occasionally, you hear amazing stories about God giving someone a clear word about their future spouse – a miraculous meeting follows, and they go on to have decades of blessed union. However, those stories are unusual enough to be turned into bestselling books. For most of us, life is more down to earth and, while we should be open to God's plans for us, we should exercise judgment, wisdom, and common sense.

I once met an older man who, decades earlier, had been given a 'word' that he was going to marry a woman called Celia. He spent his whole life looking for Celia (and scaring off any Celia, he actually met!). I later heard that he had died still single and still waiting. This false prophesies may have cheated this dear man out of a happy marriage with a woman who was a perfect match for him, because the only thing on his radar was 'Celia'. How tragic.

It is very easy to be convinced we have had a word from God, and to be carried along on a wave of excitement, especially when it concerns matters of the heart. However, the Bible tells us to test prophesies – and unless strong confirmation comes from more than one source, I believe we should hold them lightly. I've received false prophecies before, and I've watched friends make catastrophic decisions based on dubious 'words' from God, only to realize – too late – that they were just wishful thinking.

The same goes for believing you have had a direct word or sign from God. This thing is, we are all vulnerable to feeling that something is meant to be, when the truth is that we just really, really want it. However, if God has a specific plan for you, he will make sure other mature Christians confirm it. That way, you will not end up like one of my friends. She had a crush on this person for years. One day, unexpectedly, he wrote her a letter saying God had told him she was his future wife. She was thrilled that her prayers had been answered at last, and they started planning their wedding shortly after. Only after they had said 'I do' did they discover that not only were they completely incompatible, but they did not even like each other. They and their families did not believe in divorce, so they suffered in silence, living largely separate lives for nearly a decade before finally throwing in the towel.

Oh yes, I could tell many a story about mistaken words from God. There is the woman who has been holding out for five years for a person she barely knows, who she believes is her future husband (meanwhile, he is dating someone else). In addition, there is the woman who is currently engaged to a widower who told her God wants them to marry... while everyone else can see she is walking blindly into an awful, controlling relationship. It is enough to break your heart.

Of course, truth is stranger than fiction and it would be thrilling if, in a few years' time, my letter-writer came back with a story of meeting Mr. Right in her new city. However, I could never recommend someone uproot their life – geographically or otherwise – unless they have total peace about their decision. God does not need us to move across the country to fulfill his plans – he is more than capable of making our paths cross with our future spouse. Nor should we become fixated on someone being 'The One' until we know them well enough to confirm they are a good match. Instead, let us stay open to meeting someone who might not fit the narrative we have imagined, but who may prove to be perfect for us.;

Here is an example of a letter written by a single, virgin, 30-year-old woman, waiting for her perfect man:

"Dear Single Man,

I am not sure what else to do. I have given you hints. I smile at you when we are around each other. I intently look at you when we are conversing. I giggle at the stupid things you say. I try to make you feel encouraged and supported when you are having a bad day. I have done my part, now it is your turn.

I think the feelings are mutual.

You smile at me from across the room. You eagerly wait to talk to me when I am in a group of other people. You tell me I am a blessing, an answer to prayer.... What are you waiting for?

The connection I feel with you is unique. My heart hurts when I know you are hurting. You are the person I want to talk to about the good things and the bad. I miss you when I do not get to see you.

I like you... A lot!

If you feel the same way, I need you to show me. Scratch that, I need you to tell me. I need you to use your words and tell me how much I mean to you. I need you to use your words and tell me you care for me. I need you to tell me I am special to you.

Be brave.

Be courageous.

I will not let you down!

I am ready to show you what genuine care and affection look like. I know you want to feel that and I desire so much to be there for you in that way. I want to help raise you up, support your dreams and partner with you as you venture towards God is calling for your life.

I know you can feel the connection we have. Our hearts are linked. Let us make something of this. Let us collaborate for the kingdom. Let us use our gifts to live out God's calling for our lives while supporting each other and growing together towards Christ.

I have given you what you need to take the next step. Do not be afraid, your boldness is attractive. It is exciting to see you pursue what you want. Your pursuit of me will draw me closer to you."

If you are 30-plus years old, you may remember the 1999 Drew Barrymore movie "Never Been Kissed." For those who have never seen it, here is a synopsis:

"Josie Geller (Drew) aka "Josie Grosse" by her former high-school classmates is a newspaper copyeditor who's desperate to move up to reporter.

She finally gets the opportunity to show her skills when her boss assigns her to do an undercover story on the local high school scene — at her high school. Josie had been the school nerd and the epitome of awkward and insecure — all good reasons why at 25 years old, Josie Geller had never been kissed. Do not worry though; Josie goes through a transformation and at the end of the movie, she gets not only her first kiss (on a baseball field in front of thousands of people) but also the man of her dreams."

Swoon.

Being a 30-something-year-old virgin has a stigma attached to it. You are labelled a prude or a Bible banger, and people assume you were either home-schooled or have a wardrobe of strictly long jean dresses, or both.

She has never been home-schooled (and no, I do not have anything against homeschoolers), and her closet is denim-dress free. She is no Josie Grosse either. She does not wear clothes off the runway of New York's Fashion Week, but have not resorted to a closet full of moo-moos yet. Her hair is not teased, permed, or proofed, but it does have some greys starting to pop through that she keeps trying to hide by parting it differently. She does not trip-over-herself-in-public awkward, although you will never see her wearing white because she can be a bit clumsy.

She is just an average girl with great hair who also happens to be a virgin. She does not deserve any medals or book deals for this accomplishment, but would not mind being rewarded with a bearded fella to call her own. Sure, he would have to put a ring on her finger first to get the goods, but I can assure you the benefits to marrying her far surpass the fact that she had remained a virgin this long.

You may be wondering, in a world obsessed with sex, how have she been able to remain a virgin? Is dhe some kind of super-Christian? Yes, She even has a cape! But no spandex, because you've heard how upset people get over girls wearing yoga pants... imagine what they would say about her curve hugging unitary. Shameful!

You caught me — there is no cape. In all honesty, the number one reason she is still a virgin is that she was afraid of her parents. She had a feeling they would "just know," and that would be the end of her. Fear of disappointing her parents has kept her pants on.

"In a way, I am grateful for that fear. It may seem a bit juvenile, and maybe it is, but it kept me from making decisions that I would have regretted later on. There has not been one person I have said no to that I wish I had said yes, after a good night's sleep and a large iced coffee.

There is nothing extremely holy about that confession though. Sure, I signed a purity pledge back in youth group 15 years ago, but that was the last thing on my mind in the heat of the moment. I would tell you what was on my mind, but we are not running that kind of magazine.

As a single woman, I am aware that there are people who will not even consider dating me because I do not want to have sex before marriage. In addition, I am fine with that. I am not ashamed to be a virgin, except when I am at the doctor's office and I am accused of lying to get out of a pap smear. Alternatively, a few times when people with bruised egos have used that information to make me feel "less than."

If you are a virgin, you are not "less than." If you are not a virgin, you are not "less than." Our value is not based on our sexual history or lack thereof. As Christians, our worth is not determined by our actions but based on the gift of love and grace from a redeeming God. If you're a virgin — great job! It is not easy to abstain when every hormone in your body is screaming, "PLEASE!" If you are not a virgin, I hope you do not feel any judgement coming from me because I have none.

"I am trying to live out this Christian walk the best way I know how, even when it has been difficult. I believe it has made me stronger as I have faced resistance from social norms and the pleading eyes of attractive men. In the end, I have chosen to remain a virgin because I believe it is the best choice for me. You had best believe that in the meantime I am praying daily for my husband to come along so I can break this fast!"

### Chapter 9  
Tips for maintaining long distance love

Online dating brings quite literally a world of opportunities, and that in turn raises the question: How wide should you make your search for love?

The answer of course will depend on your personal circumstances and preferences, but broadening the geographical options might just be a great way to enrich your experience and increase the chances of finding that special someone.

So, what happens when you find someone you want to date who is miles away or someone closer to home who has to relocate for a period? While it does bring its own set of challenges, plenty of great relationships have begun and stayed the course despite the couples being far apart for a period.

With that in mind, here are my five top tips for maintaining love from a distance:

1. Technology

Skype is your friend, as is FaceTime. It's worth both ensuring you have a good, reliable Wi-Fi connection and scouting out free spots near to home/work/university. If possible, invest in a decent smartphone package that will make video calling and messaging a pleasant, rather than frustrating, experience – and this need not break the bank, there are plenty of great budget options on the market now. Be careful with texts and emails though – it can be easy to misinterpret and be misinterpreted in brief messages. Keeping clear and open communication is important.

2. Romance with mail

While technology is wonderful, there is a particular charm in receiving letters and parcels. If you are creative, consider drawing, painting, or making something, or you could buy occasional surprises to pop in the post.

3. Plan

Travelling can be expensive, especially at the last minute, but it can also be as cheap to fly to the continent as it can be for a few miles in a taxi. The trick is to catch the deals and plan. Coach travel may not be glamorous, but often brings the thriftiest bargains and planes can be cheaper than trains with deals and comparison sites. Overnight stays can also be surprisingly inexpensive with basic bargain hotel chains, hostels, and Airbnb. Sign up to mailing lists and loyalty schemes for great offers and ask around for potential car sharing friends.

4. Exercise caution

Make sure you do meet the person in real life before you get involved in a relationship. Unfortunately, not everyone is who they claim to be, and while this shouldn't be a reason to be put off by distance dating, it's important to get to know the person face to face ahead of serious involvement and emotional investment. In addition, in the 'getting to know you' period, keep meetings to public places.

5. Patience

The best way to learn patience is to be in a situation where you have to be patient. No one relishes this, but not having the easy access of a locally located significant other can actually be character building, bringing opportunity for personal growth, spiritual maturity and the development of strong foundations in the relationship. Therefore, if you are not already a pro at being patient, now is the time to become one!

Travelling for dates comes with the opportunity to explore and discover new places and experiences. So if you do decide to take your search a little further afield – enjoy your adventure and you never know where it might lead...

### Chapter 10  
Basic Sexting Education

'I'd been chatting with someone online for a while, when suddenly his messages became very sexually explicit,' said the email. 'When I withdrew, he called me a coward. It was horrible to be insulted for not participating in inappropriate behavior. To suddenly go from affectionate to sexually explicit is weird and creepy, and not what I expected on a Christian dating website.'

I wish I could say this is the first time I have heard this kind of story, but it is not. No doubt a fair number of women reading this (and I daresay a few men) have been brought up short when friendly online banter takes a sudden diversion into sleaze. It's not what you imagine when you sign up to a Christian website! However, while most members would not dream of it, there will always be exceptions.

So, picture the scene. There you are, thinking how well things are going, how charming this person is... and unexpectedly, you are assaulted with a barrage of filth! It beggars belief why anyone would do this on a Christian site. I mean, why not just go and per on one of those websites where it is the norm?

Perhaps you think I am going all Mary Whitehouse on you. Look, I get it. Being a Christian does not make you immune to sexual frustration, and many of us really struggle with that. There may be a temptation to escalate a nice chat with an attractive person into sexy talk. I mean, it is just a bit of fun, isn't it? It is not as if you are actually touching someone physically. No one is getting hurt, right...?

Wrong. When someone has dirty talk foisted upon him or her unexpectedly, it can be shocking, upsetting, disappointing, and even threatening. They have come to a Christian website with high hopes of meeting a life partner who shares their faith and moral standards. To discover that the seemingly decent person you are chatting to actually views you as a sex object or (sorry to say it) a masturbatory aid is insulting and depressing. You often do not know how to react or handle it. It can leave you feeling cynical and hopeless about ever meeting someone worthwhile. For those with a history of abusive relationships or sexual abuse (and that is many people), it can be a serious trigger.

So... do not do it. Really, just DO NOT. Check your Christian morals and ask whether you would send that text if Jesus was looking over your shoulder (spoiler: He is). Remember all that stuff He said about lust and committing adultery in the heart? Remind yourself that the person on the other end is a human being, precious to God, who should be honored and protected. They will not be flattered; they will be insulted, distressed, or scared. You have no idea of their history and how sexting will affect them, but you do know they are hoping for better. So have some respect!

Now, to the victims of that unwanted sexting or grubby emails... Be assured that you are not to blame for the other person's behavior, even if they imply you have led them on or encouraged it (that is a standard manipulation technique). There are a million miles between a little mild flirtation and explicit messages. Never allow yourself to be drawn into any exchange you are not completely comfortable with (first, it will be sexy talk, next it will be requests for nude photos and webcams...).

If someone sent me a dubious message, they might get one warning if it was not too explicit and I felt it might be an error of judgment or a misunderstanding. However, most likely I would shut the communication down swiftly and without warning – a simple, 'I don't appreciate that kind of talk' and then block them. I know it is not easy – we have all been taught to be polite. If we have been chatting for a while, we might feel some obligation or investment in the 'relationship'. However, it is important to protect your boundaries, and you have every right to bail without warning if someone makes you uncomfortable. While you are blocking them, send a report to the website administrators, to alert them and protect other potential victims.

Crucially, do not beat yourself up. We have all misjudged people. We have all been disappointed. We have all felt hopeless. However, most people are not perverts or predators, so do not give into cynicism, or lose hope. Once you have dusted yourself off and licked your wounds (or if you are like me, turned it into an entertaining story!), get back on that horse – a little wiser, and ready to meet someone better.

### Chapter 11  
Top tips for preparing for the first date

First impressions do matter and if you want to make a good first impression, here are some tips to follow.

1. Do not take it too seriously. By this, I mean, do not go in with a pre-conceived notion. Do not assume you are going to meet 'the one', because you may be in for a disappointment. It is better to have no expectations and be pleasantly surprised.

2. Wear something nice, and comfortable. If you do not do heels, do not wear them. If you are more of a jeans person, then don't wear a suit. Obviously, think about where you are going and dress accordingly.

3. Think beforehand about what to talk about. Both of you may be just as nervous as each other may, so it is important to come with some conversation starters to avoid awkward silences. Ask questions that would make the other person think a bit- what do they like to do in their spare time and why? What are they passionate about? If they like to read, what rather books? If they love travelling, what is the most exciting place they have been to and why?

4. Do not eat too much. I love my food just as much as the next person, but a first date is not the time to show off your eating skills. You also do not want any awkward stomach issues.

5. Be prepared (to pay for the bill). Some people think the person should pay the bill, and some think it should be split, especially when you are on a first date and just getting to know each other. I think despite your preferences, you should never go on a date with someone and expect them to foot the whole bill. Come prepared to pay at least your share, and then some. It saves any awkward conversations at the end of the date.

6. Be yourself. There is the pressure to impress when on a first date, but remember that you want the other person to get to know the real you, not someone else. If they do not like what they see, then at least you know you are not starting a relationship based on pretenses.

7. Do not do anything you are not comfortable with. This may seem obvious but it is easy to be carried away if the date is going really well, and there is an attraction. However, it is also important to know when to draw the line and not do something you may regret later.

8. Be polite, even if you do not feel attracted to the person. Do not treat someone in a way you would not want to be treated.

9. Keep an open mind. Unless you absolutely cannot stand to be around someone, do not write him or her off straightaway. People are usually nervous on the first date, and may come across different to what they are usually like, so it is a good idea to meet them again before you make up your mind about them.

10. Pray. This is not about being overly spiritual, but I strongly believe that every aspect of the dating process should be covered in prayer. Ask God for direction and discernment, and He will give it to you when you need it the most.

### Chapter 12  
Have I missed out?

After a recent talk I did on dating, a woman in her mid-20s asked to speak with me. She explained that she had dated someone before for a long time and thought they would eventually get married. She then said:

'He was great, but the enjoyment had been missing for a while, so we ended it. Have I lost 'the One'?'

I get this question in various forms all the time, and it is no surprise. Many people frequently hear that God is preparing 'the One', so no wonder they feel terrified by the thought of missing out. Throw in some conflicting feelings and confusion will inevitably follow.

Thankfully, I believe God has answers for us.

Finding vs making

I think the first thing to realize is that the Bible never promises us 'the One'.

Is that shocking?

We find that promise in movies, music, TV shows, but not in God's Word. It never says God has 'One perfect person' for you, just wait for the delivery.

Rather, what we see is a rhythm of encouragements and commands calling us to build healthy relationships with God and neighbor ( _Mark 12:28-31_ ), people in church ( _Galatians 5:13-14, Hebrews 10:24-25_ ), people outside our communities ( _Leviticus 19:33-34_ ) our enemies ( _Matthew 5:43-44_ ) and spouses ( _Ephesians 5:21-33_ ).

Therefore, I said to her, God's rhythm asks us to get involved with building our modern romantic relationship based on mutual grace, forgiveness, and love with someone worthwhile. This rhythm of making the One frees us from the fear of missing out.

Does enjoyment matter?

Thinking about how we build healthy godly relationships is essential because many people get hurt when dating. Taking dating relationships seriously is important. Nevertheless, it is meant to be enjoyed.

Really, it is! I want people to enjoy dating.

The problem is people often only think about their own needs, use others, and lead them on. Which is why I talk about love alongside commitment, attraction alongside healthy choices, our needs alongside selflessness so that mutual and real enjoyment can flourish.

Therefore, I reminded her that relationships take hard work and are not constantly fun, but she should not feel guilty about thinking enjoyment matters. God designed relationships to be a blessing ( _Genesis 2:18; 24:67_ ).

Building

I hope this frees her from previous fears and guilt, and she is excited by God's rhythm, which calls us to be involved in building healthy, mutually enjoyable, godly relationships.

### Chapter 13  
When God does not meet your expectations

What happens when God does not meet your relationship expectations?

If you have been single for any amount of time, then you have probably had to face this question before. When we were younger, many of us bought into the belief that God had a special person predestined for us, and we would inevitably meet them and fall in love by a certain age. However, by now, many of us have come to realize that that is not always, how it happens.

As we get older, we continue to form hopes and expectations every time we decide to try again or begin seeking out a new relationship. We may try to go into things with an open mind, but on some level, the expectations are always there. We convince ourselves that this time will be different from all the other times. Maybe we even have good reasons for it. Maybe the other person has actually initiated things and shown some interest this time, giving us more hope than usual. Maybe we have even seen some special signals or unique happenings that we have interpreted as positive signs from God.

Maybe this time, it will really work.

However, not even all of those things really guarantee a relationship's success. So what do we do when everything we thought was going to happen does not work out after all, and we face disappointment yet again?

1. Move on peaceably

When this happens to you, the first thing to do is to move on, as quickly and cleanly as possible. Do not get bogged down or tempted to wallow in the mire of your latest relationship disappointment. If you do, you will not be ready for whatever comes next.

However, this is not to say that you cut off all your ties with the other person and just walk away, acting as if you are not hurt at all. Rather, do everything in your power to resolve your conflicts or misunderstandings. Be mature and talk things out with the other person. Actively seek peace, closure, and continued fellowship if possible. Give and accept forgiveness. God says, " _Blessed are the peacemakers" (Matthew 5:9)_ and tells us to live peaceably with others ( _Romans 12:18_ ). When one relationship does not work out, first come to peace with the other person, with yourself and with all parties involved. Then you can move on to improved things.

2. Remember that God is faithful

If we expect things to work out a certain way, or even expect God to do something particular for us, then we may be disappointed when that doesn't happen. We need to remember that God is faithful and that He has not failed to deliver anything that He has promised us.

Contrary to what some may believe, God's Word does not promise a happy marriage for every Christian. Even if He has that for you someday, in most cases He does not give us a specific timetable or a flashing neon sign with your future partner's name. Just because things have not worked out for you this time, does not mean that God or His plans have failed in any way. Even if what you thought was God's will does not happen, God still has a good plan.

In The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis, Puddle glum at one-point remarks, "Aslan didn't tell Pole what would happen. He only told her what to do." In the same way, God tells us how we should live, but not always, what will happen each step of the way. Our job is just to follow and do our part to live well.

3. Don't lose hope

This tough one for me or for anyone has faced rejection and disappointment more than a few times. However, it is essential. If we do not have hope for the future, then we do not really have any reason to keep trying to make it through life.

One Corinthians 13:7 tells us " _love hopes all things_." If your relationship did not work out this time around, then you can have genuine hope that God has something better in mind for you. That may be a different relationship eventually. Alternatively, it may be something else — a job, a ministry, and another opportunity that God has prepared for your life. Again, we do not know the specifics. However, if we know whom we are placing our faith in, then we can have legitimate and well-placed confidence that things really are not as bad as they may seem for a time.

All of us will encounter relationship disappointment at some time or another. However, if we seek peace, have faith, and keep hope, then it is never the end of the story.

### Chapter 14  
Why attraction matters (and you're not shallow to want it)

'I'm dating a nice Christian guy who I like and respect,' said the email (so far, so good – however, I hear a 'but' coming). 'But...' (There it is!) 'I'm not physically attracted to him. I know there are more important things in a relationship, but shouldn't there be some spark? Or as a Christian, does God expect me to be less shallow?'

I am surprised how many people – both women and men – write to me because they are worried that they 'ought' to date someone they are not attracted to, and to insist on attraction would be superficial and ungodly.

Certainly, the Bible tells us that God looks not at outward appearances, but at the heart. We all need to be mindful of our tendency to respond to people based on looks, and to strive to value everyone equally, whether they're sparkling and beautiful, or unlovely and odd. However, when it comes to picking a husband or wife, I do not believe we should feel guilty for wanting to be attracted to them. In fact, I would go so far as to say it is essential.

Of course, sexual attraction (which is not the same as good looks – I have been wildly attracted to some positively plain men in my time) is not everything. We need much more for a strong, healthy marriage, and it is all too easy to be blinded to a person's bad character or incompatibility by infatuation. I recently heard a man admit he had married a beautiful 'trophy wife' and, years later, is being driven mad by her lack of intelligence and conversation (and that is not her fault – the poor woman is who she is; he created his own misery – and hers – by marrying someone incompatible just because she was a stunner).

However, none of this means that attraction is not important. Forgive me for putting this bluntly, friends, but marrying someone means vowing to have sex with them regularly for the rest of your life (health and old age allowing). I do not know about you, but the prospect of getting physical with someone I am not attracted to makes me recoil in horror. Your spouse is not just your friend (although, of course, they must be that, too). A defining factor of marriage is that it is a sexual relationship, and there should be joy in that. Therefore, I do not believe God asks us to settle for someone we have no desire for.

I do not think that is selfish, either. When I was contemplating dating someone, I liked but wasn't all that attracted to, my brother pointed out how unfair it was to the man in question. 'He deserves a woman who finds him desirable,' my brother insisted. 'You wouldn't just be cheating yourself, Hopeful Girl – you'd be cheating him, too.'

Of course, we must be realistic. We cannot all marry Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie. Holding out for perfection may mean waiting forever. The sum of the package is what is important – for me, a man who is attractive with a sunny personality and a kind heart will always trump a person who has off-the-scale sex appeal but is selfish or rude. In any case, ageing, illness, stress and good old familiarity will cause that wild attraction to fade, and its friendship and character that will keep the love alive. However, that does not mean desire does not matter.

Attraction can develop over time, so it is wise to get to know a good man or woman before making any rash decisions – they might just surprise you. However, if you are sure there is no spark there, it may be time to do the kindest thing for both of you, and agree to be 'just good friends'.

How important is attraction to you in relationships? We would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

### Chapter 15  
A valuable lesson on marriage from a 10-year-old email

Ten years ago, I had an email exchange with my friend Bethany Greene, in which she offered some marital advice to me. I wasn't even dating anyone seriously at the time, but her words were so meaningful that I saved the message in my "Memorable Emails" folder.

This week, I stumbled across it, and I wanted to share her words with you. For those of you who are married (or think you might get married one day), its excellent advice about working through conflict with the one you love.

"This is what I have learned over the years: In order to have a genuine relationship, you have to learn to become vulnerable to each other. The foundation of vulnerability is trust. The more we trust that our feelings and thoughts will be protected and respected by our spouse, the more we are willing to share ourselves with that person. The more we share, the closer we become.

The thing with vulnerability is that it is one of the purest and most delicate of emotions. You must tread lightly or else risk losing it. Once the relationship loses its vulnerability, it becomes a hollow relationship.

The thing with married couples is that we know what makes each other tick. We know how to press buttons easily; we know how to wound. The problem with using these tactics is that they destroy vulnerability.

In essence, the game becomes, "the less he/she 'really knows' about me or my feelings, the less he/she can wound me." That is a prescription for death in a marriage. To have a healthy relationship, you really have to learn to protect it — especially when you're really mad at each other, because that's the easiest time in the world to breach that special trust."

It amazes me that Bethany wrote that when she had only been married for five years. It is such a great reminder of how much we can all learn from each other, no matter what stage of life we are in. So thanks again for the ten-year-old email with the timeless lesson, Bethany.

### Chapter 16  
When you're stood up: A Short Inspirational Story

I sat there and waited. In addition, I waited, and waited.

I had made a coffee date for Saturday afternoon at 2:30 and arrived about 2:20 pm. I sent her a text saying I was there about five minutes before our meet time. No reply. Around 2:45, I sent another note asking if she was close. No reply.

After 40 minutes of waiting, I decided to walk around the shopping area and visit a couple of stores. Even though I was becoming experienced in this type of situation (this happened once before with someone, and several last-minute cancellations with a few other girls happened in the last few months), I still held on to the slight chance that she was stuck in traffic and her phone was dead. Ha! Okay, I am kidding. The truth is I knew without a doubt I was being stood up.

" _You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you._ " – _Isaiah 26:3_

The difference this time, was that I wasn't bothered by it as much as I had been in the past. In fact, as I walked back to my car to leave, I did the "shake my head and laugh" thing, thinking "This is like a comedy routine, and I'm the star!" So knowing I had some free time, I thought I would turn it into a positive thing, and I headed to the grocery store. I had a few things I knew I needed to get for the men's group meeting coming up the next evening.

I made my way through the aisles of the grocery store, picking up the things I needed... my eye catching the buy-one-get-one-free sale on items I absolutely did not need (nor did my waistline). I fought hard not to buy them. For the record, I failed only once out of at least five times. Darn you, Honey Bunches of Oats!

" _Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." –Proverbs 3:5_

I made my way through produce and headed to the broccoli (I know you are wondering – I put a little Italian dressing with a hint of water and cover it in the microwave for 9 minutes). As I reached for it, a lady bumped into me. As she turned to apologize, we both recognized each other from somewhere.

She told me we had met briefly at Starbucks one day, and said, "You're Christian, right?"

"Absolutely," I replied. She reminded me that we had talked about our churches and the things that we do there, and we made small talk for a few minutes about that. As we wrapped it up and made the farewell pleasantries, she turned and began to walk away.

Then I noticed her stop — like something came over her — and she turned back to me, put her hand on my arm and said, "I feel the Lord has put it on me to tell you that you've been going through something lately with being single, and He wants you to know that He sees it and understands. Don't give up. He has this under control. You just need to wait a little longer. Don't worry, He has this."

I'm sure my mouth was hanging open as she said she felt I should know what was put on her heart to tell me. I told her what she just said was very timely, and I thanked her.

How could this person know what was going on? How could she know what has been happening in my life? How? The answer is easy. God was speaking to me through her. Needless to say, the rest of my afternoon and evening was a mixture of feelings, like I was in a fog but also at great peace.

" _Be still and know that I am God." –Psalm 46:10_

I believe God speaks to us in a variety of ways. Sometimes it's the advice from a friend. Sometimes it's the words from a total stranger. Maybe it's a song that comes on the radio just at the right time in your life. Maybe it's a message that keeps appearing over and over in various ways. I should point out that I started my Saturday morning with a devotional that began with the verse, "Be still and know that I am God." Sunday morning, another devotional had the same verse. When I opened my Facebook page later in the day, one of the pages I follow had a picture posted there. You guessed it: The text on the picture was, again, _Psalm 46:10._

Coincidence? Not for me. It is actually the answer to my prayers. Part of my prayers are simply to be content in whatever situation I am in and have total faith in God, His will and His plan for my life.

So to the girls who have stood me up, cancelled at the last minute, disappeared after meeting me, never to be heard from again... I thank you! Those "trials" or "disappointments" were simply lessons designed to get me where I am today. Today, I am at peace where I am.

Whatever you may be struggling with today, no matter how big or how small... be still and know that He is God!

### Chapter 17  
Have we forgotten how to enjoy dating?

'I've never laughed so hard. I'm not saying everything has been easy, but it's going so well'. This is what a friend said to me recently about his new relationship. They've been dating for about six months now, and he seemed almost embarrassed by the fact he was enjoying himself.

It made me think, how often do we remember to celebrate the enjoyment that comes from a good healthy dating relationship? Do we remember that dating is meant to be fun? When we date, and start forming a romantic relationship with one person and increase our commitment to them, we should do it with a smile on our face. This may sound strange, but God actually wants you to enjoy good relationships.

This doesn't mean learning how to navigate tricky situations isn't important. There are lots of good blogs with good advice about dating, and that's great. Lots of us have unfortunately been in bad relationships, been on disastrous dates, and made some regrettable decisions. Some of us have never dated and need some help. I believe that learning how to date well is vital and often overlooked.

However, I also believe that learning to be intentional and building a good romantic relationship, whilst enjoying it, aren't mutually exclusive.

When I deliver talks and give advice about dating, my aim isn't to just get people to avoid bad situations, but to help them find a mutually fulfilling and enjoyable relationship. To find something which is great and exciting.

I remember talking to a couple who said they really enjoyed being together. They shared values and visions for their lives, felt they could work and communicate through the hard times, but thought it should feel harder than it did. They had been told too often that relationships are just endless minefields and should be a chore. This ideal led them to conclude that maybe they shouldn't stay together. I told them that as a culture, as a church, we have failed to teach them about the fullness of relationships.

I understand that first dates can be awkward, and maybe you feel like you've done more than your fair share. I realize that past hurts can get in the way, and the 'marriage question' is important but does bring added pressure. But I want you to enjoy getting to know someone's quirky humor, and having someone you look forward to seeing. Someone who will ask you to go places or try out hobbies you never have thought of doing before. Having someone you can trust and support. Someone who will hold your hand and get excited about your dreams. All of this is meant to be fun. It's meant to be good.

Now at risk of taking away the happy vibes, there is still some advice and guidance I would give on this topic. (Remember, enjoyment and being intentional are not mutually exclusive!) Firstly, enjoyment doesn't mean 'being happy all the time'. Part of relationships is about working through the low points and hard periods. Feeling extremely happy all the time isn't realistic, as an individual or as a couple. Having the pressure from friends, social media and society to act like we never fight, always agree, and are always doing romantic things, can be toxic in the long run. We need some perspective.

Secondly, our relationship needs to fit into the rest of life. If a couple are enjoying it but sacrificing friends, family and/or work, then there's a romantic bubble, which will eventually burst. This enjoyment needs to be part of life so that it isn't short lived.

However, like I said to my friend who's dating and never laughed so much; good! I'm happy for you, I want you to enjoy falling in love. I want you to enjoy sharing good times.

### Chapter 18  
The science of online dating: ways to boost your success

'What's the point?' said the message. 'I join a dating website, and no one gets in contact. I send messages and waves, but no one replies. Why am I wasting my time?'

When it comes to online dating, we all know (or we should do by now) that we get out what we put in. With one in three marriages starting online, it's obviously working well for many of us. But some people seem to plug away patiently, only to be continually overlooked and ignored.

One of the problems with online dating is that, with so little to go on, small details become much more significant. However, you can now use this to your advantage. Research into online dating has revealed surprising information about what works and what doesn't. So check out these fascinating facts, review your profile and messages – and let us know the results!

1. Keep your profile short and sweet

Researcher David Pullinger did a major research project for Christian Connection, as well as reviewing research from around the world, and uncovered some interesting details about what makes a successful profile. It seems that profiles of just 100-200 words are the most effective. But if you're going to keep it brief, you should choose your words wisely. According to research at Queen Mary University of London, to get the most responses, you should use 70% of the space to write about yourself, and devote 30% to what you're looking for in a partner.

2. Keep your tone light

According to Queen Mary University, a playful username, and not taking yourself too seriously in your profile, will make you 50% more likely to be contacted than people trying to appear sexy, wealthy or intellectual. If you can slip in a joke or two, that will also help – 56% of online daters find humor the most attractive trait. However, you need to actually demonstrate your wit, not just tell people you're funny!

3. Always proofread

According to research by Zoosk, 72% of daters say bad spelling and grammar significantly reduce the chances of them continuing a conversation, even listing it as a 'deal breaker'.

A study by Grammarly confirmed that just two spelling mistakes in a message lowers a man's chances of a reply by 14% (interestingly, spelling mistakes by women don't have such a bad impact).

Cyberdaters report that poor spelling gives the impression that the person isn't educated, and has written without care or interest. 93% of daters told Zoosk that being able to use punctuation correctly makes someone more attractive.

4. Mind your language

Swearing and obscenities is obviously a no-no for Christian daters. However, even some seemingly innocent words can put people off. Grammarly discovered that men who write 'women' rather than 'girls' are 28% more successful. Meanwhile, women who used the words 'divorce', 'separated' or 'my ex' get 4% fewer messages. According to Zoosk, using trendy acronyms like YOLO (you only live once) or LOL (laugh out loud) reduces your chances of a reply by 47%.

5. Get picture perfect

For optimum use of pictures, upload between two and six. 'If there's only one photo, people will wonder if it's genuine,' says David. Use a mixture of head shots (use one as your main picture) and full body shots. Pictures taken by others are more effective than selfies, which make you look like you have no friends!

Research by OK Cupid found that for women, the most effective images are looking straight into the camera and smiling. Wearing red also helps.

For men, a half-profile (looking slightly off-camera) is best – a direct gaze can appear aggressive. Activity shots are good for men – but stay away from hats! According to Queen Mary University, a slight head tilt adds 12% to your rated attractiveness for both men and women! Including a shot of yourself with other people makes you appear more sociable, and therefore 32% more likeable – especially if there are smiles shared between you and the others in the picture.

6. Use discussion boards

According to research at the University of Chicago, 55% of married couples who met online didn't meet directly through straight online dating, but through forums and online chat. Discussing issues is a great way to build rapport and get more insight into someone's character, so check out the Christian Connection discussion boards.

7. Keep messages brief

David analysed over 74,000 messages sent through Christian Connection and found that, to get a response, the optimum message length is 80-90 words. But don't make it too short – messages of only 10-20 words get 30% fewer replies. Showing an interest in the other person, rather than talking about yourself, increases your chances of a response.

8. Don't play hard to get

Reply to messages quickly. According to David's research, you don't need to worry about appearing 'too keen' – replying quickly has no negative effect on success rate. So don't try to play it cool – you risk someone else jumping in first!

9. Spread your bets

David reports that the average response rate to messages is around 30%, so don't be discouraged if you don't hear back from someone. Instead of putting all your eggs in one basket, make it your policy to contact anyone whose profile appeals to you. And include a question to get the conversation going!

10. Meet quickly

If someone has potential, meet up with them sooner rather than later. According to research at Northwestern University in the US, the most successful relationships are between people who meet within two weeks of their first online contact. So don't hang around!

### Chapter 19  
The curious blessing of rejection

Ten years ago, in 2006, I was rejected by a publisher.

It went like this: after four years of student ministry and thinking about a post-modern culture, I had an idea for a book that explored characteristics of student ministry in the context of postmodernism – a sort of analytical, practical, theological-yet-readable sort of book.

So I wrote to a publisher, IVP UK, and told them that they should commission this kind of book.

IVP wrote back: "About your book," they began. I stared at the email, stupefied and thrilled. It hadn't even occurred to me that I could be the one to write it. I wasn't a writer. I wasn't an ordained minister. I wasn't famous. All I'd done was had an idea. But their belief in me started something in my soul.

I'd always dreamed of being a writer as a child, and now this was my chance – my one chance. Now I could achieve something – not only that, I could prove myself and get the respect from others I craved; I could show to the world that I was actually qualified to do the work I'd already been doing for the last four years. I didn't just want this book to be published, I needed it.

(You could say I had some self-confidence issues back then).

For the next few months I incubated a book proposal, writing two chapters, gaining confidence with each word. I sent it off to the publisher – they liked it! My baby book was hatching. I started to get excited. I would be an author.

The next stage was to send it to a committee for feedback – and that's where my newly-flying baby book was shot down, mid-air, feathers all over the place.

My proposal was rejected. But it felt like I was rejected.

I cried. I ate ice cream. I overanalyzed their feedback, got mad, and swore I would publish it anyway, with another publisher.

That didn't happen. Life and illness got in the way, and after a year or so, I accepted that the folder marked 'book' would remain on the shelf, with its scribbled notes and four chapters. This was the right response – in 2007 and 2008 there were books coming out on a similar theme. My idea was no longer so unusual or 'zeitgeist-y'. The moment had passed.

However, I had also jumped to a faulty conclusion. I took that rejection and assumed that because they had rejected my book idea, it was a sign that I shouldn't be a writer. I shrugged my shoulders and got on with my life, and put that dream aside. I had tried on the mantel of 'writer' and it hadn't fitted. I told myself I was stupid for ever believing it would.

This often happens with goals that are a bit of a stretch. We lean ourselves so far towards them that we crash when we fail to reach them. We put so much of ourselves onto our goals, our projects, our dreams, that it can feel like our identity has crumbled when those projects aren't realized.

The danger is, too, that we take the words of a rejection as a prophecy over us, taking them deep into the core of our personhood. All they had done was reject my idea for a book: I had taken it as a sign that I would never be a writer.

We look at the one incident and we make a false generalization from it.

A relationship breaks up; we conclude, "I'm unlovable."

A job opportunity falls through; we conclude, "I'm unemployable."

A book proposal is rejected; we conclude, "I'm unpublishable."

The truth is those words of rejection don't get to define us. We know not what the future holds, and it is a mistake to project the 'now' onto the 'not yet'.

The tricky thing to do at such times is to carefully delineate between us and the dream. Re-draw those boundaries and definitions. I am not the book. The book is not me.

For that short time, I thought that getting a book published was the key to my happiness. It wasn't. However tightly held the dream is, it is not us, and it is not our happiness.

We are not our dreams. We are so much more than our goals and projects, and even our deepest hopes.

I am not the book. The book is not me.

Nor is it my happiness – this is something I still need to remind myself. Ten years on, it is a blessing I hold gladly but lightly, without having to grip it till my knuckles turn white.

### Chapter 20  
Signs you're in the wrong relationship

I know what it's like to be in a relationship and know that something isn't right but still find it difficult to leave. But, I've come to understand that God wants so much more for us. He wants the best, in fact. The stress of being in the wrong relationship is just not worth it, never mind the time and effort that could be put into something more meaningful. Here are 10 signs you're in the wrong relationship.

I've written this from a woman's perspective, but most of it applies to both sexes.

1. He doesn't define the relationship.

You've been seeing this guy for a few weeks or even a few months and he still hasn't defined the relationship. You don't know if you're just his pal, his girlfriend or fiancée! You try to ask him where the relationship is heading and he says something like, 'I'm just seeing how it goes, I'm not in a hurry to label 'us'.'

The truth is, a man that knows what he wants, won't lead you on. He won't keep tugging at your heart strings whilst he tries to decide whether you're right for him or not. My advice to you is to be really honest with yourself and ask him to be really honest with you. Be careful though; I'm not saying you should put pressure on someone to define a relationship when you are both obviously still trying to get to know each other. That could send off the wrong signals. But, you do need to know whether the person you're with sees you in their future or not.

2. You don't have peace in the relationship.

You fight / quarrel a lot, and you don't seem to agree on a lot of things. You're constantly on edge, or worried about the relationship. He hasn't called. You can't sleep. You're always on the phone lamenting to your best friend about what he's done or not done.

Like someone once said, 'if you're always crying in a relationship, ask yourself, 'am I dating a human being or an onion?!''. It may sound ridiculous but the Bible says that God's blessings enrich our lives, and He adds no sorrows to it ( _Proverbs 10:22_ ).

If you're constantly worried about a relationship, you need to take some time out to decide if it's something you need to work on within yourself, or whether you do have reason to worry. Again, I'm not saying that the right relationship won't have any issues, but in a good relationship, you're able to work through issues, and the relationship does not because you stress.

3. You don't feel like you're special to him.

He doesn't make an effort with you. You make an appointment to meet up or do something together but he always seems to forget or cancel last minute. He doesn't seem sympathetic to your personal struggles. When you're in the right relationship, you will feel special. Your partner will make time for you. Selflessness is a mainstay of the relationship and this goes both ways.

4. He's reluctant to introduce you to his family or close friends, even after you've been together for some time.

This period of time may vary between different relationships. But when you've introduced a guy to your friends and family and he's still dragging his feet with reciprocating, and without much valid reason, this could be a cause for concern, especially if some of the other points also apply.

5. His family are not keen on you.

Now this one is tricky because you and your partner may be completely happy but for one reason or the other, his family may not approve of the relationship. My advice is to be very careful and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance if you're in a relationship where your potential in-laws aren't too keen on you. Yes, your relationship is predominantly about the two of you but never underestimate the importance of having family support.

6. Your family / close friends are not too keen on him.

They say 'love is blind', and it is true to an extent. If the people that are closest to you and love you the most are not keen on the person you're in a relationship with, it should cause you to think twice. And if they love you enough to be completely honest and tell you the truth, you really need to pay attention; they may be seeing something that you're not.

7. Being with them makes you feel inadequate.

If you feel like you have to act / speak / dress a certain way to please your partner, or to gain their affection, you're in the wrong relationship. You should be free to be yourself. Yes, the right person should make you want to be better and improve in all areas of life, but this should not come at the cost of losing your own personality and what makes you unique.

8. You find yourself compromising on your values and your morals just to keep them happy.

If spending time with someone leads you to start doing things you wouldn't normally do, for example, things that go against your personal beliefs and your faith, you need to take a step back and consider whether that relationship is really worth it.

9. The relationship drains you and you feel like you're giving too much and not getting anything in return.

It's like having a bank account. If someone's constantly making withdrawals and no deposits, you'll soon find yourself in the red, and whilst this sometimes happens financially, it is especially true and can happen physically and emotionally too. A healthy relationship is one where both parties add to the relationship and grow together. It is not one-sided.

10. You know it yourself and you keep thinking of a way out.

Sometimes, we know the truth and just want someone to spell it out for us. This is me trying to spell it out for you. You owe it to yourself to not spend another day in a relationship that you know isn't what God wants for you.

### Chapter 21  
Conundrums of online dating with a mental health diagnosis

Online dating is now the second most common way to meet people (after meeting through friends) and it accounts for over 20% current committed relationships and this number is growing.

Online dating in itself is complex. Add to it mental health issues and you can have a very difficult process that may discourage people from proceeding. As such, I feel it should be talked about and I am fortunate enough to have a friend ready to write a short guide for those of you who may experience difficulties with online dating combines with different mental health issues.

"As an introverted, bottom of the career ladder, divorcee, the advert practically wrote itself! In a world where "women's desirability peaks at 21" once I was ready to be thinking about dating again, I was considered over the hill! I'd been in the mental health world for many years, out of work and my self-esteem was pretty low. My last relationship had ended with my mental health playing a large role. I'd been hurt when most in pain and it was hard to consider trusting anyone again. I was ambivalent about wanting someone else in my life.

1. Am I ready?

I did not want my mental health to dominate a new relationship, nor did I want my unhealthy behaviors to be considered normal but I felt, for my personal recovery journey to continue, having that someone special, just might be the key.

I think it's important not to look for someone who'll fix you, that won't work. I was on and off online dating for over a year, tried different sites, met a few people – I just had to take it all as an interesting experience.

I think being at the right point is really important. You have to be ok with "putting yourself out there", it's important to feel ok with who you are and where you're at...then start looking. Having said this, if you give it a go and realize you're not ready, you've not lost anything, leave it and go back to it in a few months.

2. Do I put my diagnosis on my profile?

If you consider your diagnosis to be part of your identity, then yes. If you want to be judged (positively or negatively) because of your diagnosis, then yes. If you only want to attract people who understand mental illness right from the start, then yes.

I did not want anyone to make contact with me based on my diagnosis i.e. "Ah, she has anorexia, I like skinny girls" – I'm not skinny so this would not work, or "Ah, I know about depression, she's vulnerable, I'll look after her" – I do not need looking after, nor is this a good basis for a relationship.

Nor did I want to scare anyone off just because they didn't understand about mental illness. I like opportunities to spread the word that we (people with a mental health diagnosis) are not aliens or scary, we're just "normal" people but I couldn't do that if they rejected my profile before we'd even started chatting!

I took the chance that I might get to know someone and then be rejected, but online dating is about being open minded, giving things a go and just seeing what happens. I am so much more than a diagnosis, it was fun (but really hard!) putting a profile together, it helps you think about what's really important to you, what makes you tick. I would suggest a mental health diagnosis does not need to define you, it can be something you talk about later (like a cantankerous aunt you have to visit weekly).

3. Would I date someone with a mental health diagnosis?

I'd be a bit of a hypocrite if I said "no"! But it's an interesting consideration because 2 people with mental health problems would be a lot harder to manage but we'd certainly have a lot more understanding and empathy for each other. I had to think carefully about people I came across who put their diagnosis in their profile, I wondered whether they considered it part of their identity or whether they were just trying to avoid starting to get to know people who would judge them for it. It did not stop me connecting with them per se but I knew I would only want to get to know someone if they had a similar attitude about their mental illness and recovery as I did (i.e. it did not define them). Of course, someone can become mentally ill later down the road so it's worth considering when you get into a relationship with anyone – can I stick by this person, no matter what?

4. Do I talk/write about mental health before meeting?

I wrote some hints on my profile, such as "has been through some difficult stuff", so people would know there was more to me than met the eye but I decided not to bring it up unless asked. I would exchange a few emails before meeting just to check out a few basics but to be honest, once the internet has done its thing of enabling paths to cross, I'd say meet asap – ultimately a relationship is in person so why put it off?!

5. Do I talk about mental health at the first date?

I did not want to avoid the subject for too long, nor did I want it to be this massive "I've got something to tell you". I decided I would look for opportunities to drop it in. I'm very fortunate that my job is mental health related so it's a very helpful "test" conversation. Another way to drop it in might be to say you've just spend an afternoon with a friend who has depression/schizophrenia or whatever, this way you can gradually gauge the reaction and see what conversation arises. I've been pleasantly surprised people have often come out with "yeah, I had an episode of depression a couple of years ago" or "yeah, my uncle has schizophrenia" – obviously their previous positive or negative experience will influence how they feel about you sharing your story but there's nothing you can do about that, you can only be honest about your experiences.

I'd always say it's important to be open. If you're asked a straight forward question, answer it! Living with mental illness, it's easier to hide the truth when stigma and discrimination are rife but if you're considering a committed long-term relationship, this is not the time to keep secrets.

6. What if I'm rejected because of my mental health?

Stuff 'em – they're not worth it. It's painful but if you've done everything you can to make it work and if they choose to go, let them.

### Chapter 22  
Reject abuse... choose love!

'I'm getting married!' said the message 'He's younger than me, but he's persuaded me it doesn't matter and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I wanted to share the news because you know how long I've prayed for a Christian husband. I can hardly believe it's really happening!'

This lovely lady's engagement seemed a bit speedy to me – they'd only been seeing each other for a matter of months. But she had previously shared with me how she feared she'd never find love. She seemed thrilled, and I was happy for her.

That was, until news began trickling through, via people who knew her in real life. Her fiancé was jealous and controlling, they said. He was isolating her from her family. He pressured her to quit a Christian social group and made her delete her Facebook account. Friends expressed their concern, but she insisted everything was fine. Soon after they got married, she withdrew completely and stopped responding to calls. Everyone feared the worst.

Emotionally abusive and controlling relationships have been in the news a lot lately. The Archers storyline has kept listeners gripped, and has helped people understand the insidious nature of these dangerous relationships (which can affect both men and women). Domestic abuse doesn't have to be physical to be extremely damaging, although it often leads to physical violence as well. In fact, it's so serious that in December 2015, a law was passed making controlling and coercive behavior in an intimate or family relationship illegal.

No one imagines they'll end up in a destructive relationship, especially with another Christian. But it can happen – and if you're desperate to find love, it's all too easy to turn a blind eye to the warning signs. However, don't fear – there are ways to avoid becoming embroiled in an abusive relationship, and to make your exit if someone turns out to be bad news...

1. Know your worth

You are of infinite value to God. He loves you and wants you to be in a happy, healthy relationship, not one that's painful, scary, bewildering or controlling. Remember, you are a child of the King, and He says you deserve better.

2. Learn to be happy alone

If you're desperate for a relationship, you're more likely to accept or minimise bad treatment to avoid being on your own. Create a busy, fulfilled, sociable and happy life for yourself as a single person, and you won't be prepared to settle for a relationship that diminishes your life instead of adding to it.

3. Don't rush in

Abusive people often hurry their partners into marriage before the cracks start to show. Take your time. Give your partner plenty of opportunities to reveal different sides to their character – both good and bad – before you make a commitment.

4. Be wise to red flags

Many people who escape abusive relationships say that, in retrospect, the warning signs were there, but they didn't want to accept them. If your gut is telling you something isn't right – listen! Is God warning you that this isn't a healthy or safe relationship? Red flags include the following:

• Your partner has mood swings, angry outbursts and flies off the handle.

• They humiliate, dismiss or insult you (or others).

• They're possessive and jealous, monitor your movements and isolate you from friends and family.

• They criticise you, say you're useless, call you names and undermine your self-esteem.

• You feel like you're walking on eggshells, always trying not to 'provoke' a bad reaction.

• Everything has to be done their way – your needs come second (or not at all).

• They tell you what to wear, where to go and what to do.

• They damage your belongings or household items, punch walls or try to scare you in other ways – for instance, by driving too fast.

• They threaten to hurt you or those you love (including pets).

• They give you the silent treatment when you've displeased them.

• They blame you for their abusive behaviour, insisting you provoked it, or appear penitent and promise it'll never happen again... but it does.

5. Be prepared to walk

If you spot any of these red flags, or think you may be in an unhealthy relationship, seek advice from a pastor, counsellor, trusted friend or family member who can help you see and assess the situation more clearly. It's far better to walk away – even if it means cancelling a wedding at short notice – than to end up in an abusive marriage.

Dr James Dobson says: 'The worst moments of singleness are better than the best moments in a bad marriage.' God wants you to be in a happy, supportive, fulfilling, loving partnership – one that builds you up and allows you to thrive. Don't settle for anything less!

### Chapter 23  
Compatibility: Is it about me finding, or us building?

"When I was dating, I remember thinking that if I was like an alpha male, I would get a girlfriend. I had to be the life and soul of the party, be really funny, then it would work out. Then after attracting these many women (I cringe looking back now), I would find someone.

The problem is, I'm not an alpha male, I'm not the life and soul of the party, I'm very much an introvert. But that's what I had to do, right?

Alongside this, we live in a culture where Hollywood movies, dating vloggers, advice columns, friendly conversation, and the rest, often give us the same message again and again: Think about what your dream guy/girl is like, what they look like and how they act, and find them.

This all led to me believing that compatibility was simply about finding my ideal partner, and ultimately, it didn't work.

I now believe that compatibility is so much richer than this. Compatibility is so much broader, yet we reduce it to one element. Finding someone we connect with and can create a strong mutually fulfilling relationship with is about so much more."

The truth is, a relationship takes two people; not one 'ideal partner' and 'little old me'. Two people make it work. If compatibility is just about us finding Mr. or Miss Right, then we'll struggle to build something that lasts.

I think compatibility is about three things, which can help us avoid the trap of finding anyone, rather than building something with someone.

Firstly, thinking about what kind of person you want is important (despite what I've said, this sentence is not an error). The truth is, we do need to think about the kind of person we want to build a relationship with. We can't just date everyone and hope it will work out somehow. But this is often where the conversation stops, which is the problem.

Secondly, we need to think about what we bring to the relationship:

"I'm not an alpha male, I'm actually quite laid back. What I realized though was that this was not a bad thing. I could give the person I ended up with someone who was very stable and didn't get carried away despite the highs and lows of life. I could become a massive support to the person I was with."

So we need to think about what we can bring to a relationship, because building a relationship takes two. No one is perfect, we all have insecurities, and I may not be able to do what he or she does, but I can do this. You can build a healthier relationship in this way, so thinking about how to do this is important.

Thirdly, the word that is often shunned and ignored, is 'compromise'. Being laid back does mean I can be stable and supportive, but it also means I'm quite slow too.

So will you forgive them for not automatically sensing your mood, because once they know how you feel they're a great listener? Will you put up with them getting a bit 'over-emotional' about small things because you love their passion for life?

We need to think about what kind of person we could make it work with. But we also need to think about what we bring to the relationship, how we could build a mutually fulfilling relationship. We also need to remember people are complicated.

We do not come in a neat package; something we love about someone could have a downside too.

We do not have all the answers. Things we think are important now could end up not being when we are in a relationship, and vice versa. However, compatibility is not like a weekly shop, it's not about finding what I want, but building something together, that lasts and is mutually fulfilling. I think if this is what we want, it's worth thinking about how to achieve it.

### Chapter 24  
Things every single person should consider

Just last week I had a very entertaining Saturday night with friends. As I filled my stomach with Patrizio's and conversed with a male friend about gender roles, my mind began to wander.

My friend referenced _Genesis 3:16_ , and as I heard him say the words, " _Your desire shall be for your husband_ ," my unfocused brain thought: There are so many singles here tonight; why aren't any of them dating?

That question pops into my mind quite often. The more social gatherings I attend, the more I wonder how singles aren't connecting. Are they too picky? Are they content in their singleness? Are they living selfish lives that are keeping them single longer?

We could ask many questions in an attempt to answer why we aren't connecting, but I think the answer is quite simple: Men aren't asking women out, and women aren't saying yes when they are asked out.

Friendships are happening, groups are gathering, but connections aren't being made. We've made dating far too complicated. The fear of rejection keeps some from pursuing, and the search for perfection keeps others from seeing the potential of those already in their lives. We are reaching outside of our own churches to date when there are plenty of singles all around us, and the excuse of not wanting to "ruin the friendship" is prolonging seasons of singleness.

Let's set those things aside and look at the benefits of the simplicity of asking and responding.

It will produce growth

In his book, _I Gave Dating a Chance: A Biblical Perspective to Balance the Extremes_ , Jeramy Clark says, "Marriage itself should not be the only target in sight as you date. You have to learn to view each dating relationship as a step in learning and growing."

While I don't suggest you run around aimlessly dating if you are not ready or have no desire to marry, I do agree that dating is an opportunity for learning and growing.

Dating exposes us to different personalities. Dating helps us practice patience and compromise. It helps us learn how to serve others. There are many wonderful benefits to dating, but if we are staying stuck in our habitual role of singleness, we are missing out on wonderful opportunities to sharpen our character.

You won't know until you give it a chance

Recently I had the opportunity to see a very close friend get to know a wonderful man—a man she knew very little about, but the words "Would you like to grab coffee sometime?" allowed her the opportunity to learn more about him.

His request, followed by her willingness to learn more about him, accomplished two things: It allowed them both to meet and get to know more about each other, and it gave them a chance to learn if they were a match.

Sometimes singles make the mistake of "filling in the blanks." In the absence of learning more about someone, we start to generalize based on what we know. This is a very dangerous line that can easily cross over into idolizing the other person, but taking the opportunity to learn more helps you truly assess whether or not they would be a good life partner.

You might find a spouse

A few years ago, the young adults pastor at Watermark Community Church in Dallas urged men to "find the godliest woman you know and ask her out." To the women he had two words of advice: "Say yes!"

It was fun to watch how the men reacted to his plea. I've never seen a group of men feel so encouraged in their pursuit.

For two people I know, their response to the plea that night will result in the union of two becoming one next month. My ex roommate will be getting married to a man next month who listened to the words of that sermon and found the courage to ask out the godliest woman he knew. And that godly woman—knowing the heart of the man who was doing the asking—accepted his request.

Dating doesn't have to be this hard. It's not complicated. Find someone who is moving toward Christ at a similar pace as you—someone who has similar interests and whose company you enjoy—and ask them out. As a female, I can't relate to the fear of rejection men face as they try to build up the courage to pursue, but I can tell you this: They all don't work until the one that does. Each no gets you closer to a yes. Each failed relationship helps us learn and grow. Each date gives us an opportunity to learn more about someone God took the time to weave together intricately.

Ladies, if a man is brave enough to approach you and ask you out, applaud his courageousness and take some time to get to know him. You never know; it may be the one that works.

### Chapter 25  
Traits to avoid if you're single

Being single can be a difficult time for many, but, as difficult as it is, the truth is that life is not just about getting married. Life doesn't start when you get married. Life is right now! And you can still have a wonderful and fulfilling life as a single person, whether or not you eventually get married. So, here are five traits to avoid if you're single.

1. Jealousy

You know what jealousy is; you see someone's wedding pictures on social media and instead of congratulating them, you say something inaudible under your breath. Or you comment to someone that her dress isn't so nice, or you don't like the makeup, or hairdo. Jealousy. It's not a pretty look. Learn to rejoice and celebrate with others. Find something nice to say. Putting someone else down won't change your situation, so say congratulations, and wish them well, even if you don't feel like it. If you do it often enough, it soon becomes a habit.

2. Self-pity

This is the 'why me?' phenomenon. You know, feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, all your friends are married. Yes, your best friend is already on her third kid. Things were going well with that brother and it suddenly all went pear-shaped and you're now beginning to wonder whether there is something wrong with you. Relax, there's nothing wrong with you. It's not the end of the world. And I'm not just talking about there being plenty more fish in the sea. When you indulge in self-pity, you can't find joy in anything and this easily leads to jealousy. Don't let self-pity deprive you of the opportunity to be thankful for all the other great stuff you have going for you. Don't let it rob you of the joys that God has in store for you.

3. Desperation

You know the saying, 'don't go shopping when you're hungry'? Yes. What happens is that you end up buying stuff you don't need. Everything looks good to you. It's the same with relationships. It may seem obvious but entering into a relationship or getting married to someone because you're desperate blinds you to potential faults and alarm bells that you should look out for and this could cause untold heartache in the future.

4. Hopelessness / Pessimism

Don't give up on life. Don't give up on the idea of there being someone out there for you, if this is what you really desire. Remaining hopeful is good advice for life in general, but is also especially important for those moments when you're feeling rejected or disappointed. Just because it didn't work out with one person doesn't mean that it won't ever work out. I know quite a few people who are currently thankful that their previous relationships didn't work out how they wanted. Being optimistic about relationships, members of the opposite sex, and maintaining your hope in God puts you in a statistically better position to meet someone. True.

5. Idleness

A close friend of mine is single but she tries to keep an active social life. She's recently taken time out to see parts of the world and even though it was a scary thing to do, she decided to grab life by the horns and just go for it. If you're single, you need to get out there and live life. How else will you meet someone? Sitting around twiddling your thumbs isn't going to help the situation, so find some way to pass the time, whether it is volunteering, or joining a meet up group with people who have similar interests. Whatever it is, don't just sit around waiting; life, as they say, is simply too short, and you only get to live it once.

### Chapter 26  
Original date ideas

Are you planning a first date and wanting to make a memorable first impression with somewhere, or something, that's just that little bit different? Have you been in a relationship for a while and getting bored of the same old date night routines? If so, here are seven original date ideas.

1. Table Tennis

While this might bring back memories of youth clubs and holiday camps, table tennis – or ping pong – has recently bounced its way onto the retro scene. Plenty of cool bars and cafes now have a table or two and in most big cities you'll find ping pong club nights, with DJs and cheap entry to light-hearted tournaments. A great activity for two, whether played with a competitive spirit, or just for fun. Check out Bounce if you're in London.

2. Escape Games

This is a craze that's sweeping the country at the moment: locked in a themed room for an hour, you solve clues and puzzles to try and beat the clock and 'escape'. While some games need quite a few players (ideal for groups of friends or double/triple dates), there are plenty that are suitable for couples. The hour flies by and it's great for getting you working as a team.

3. Arts, Craft or Cookery Workshops

Consider learning a new skill together; in an arts salon, cookery school or at a pub crafting session. There's a wide and ever-increasing array of choices, with some options that'll be unique to your local area and depending what you choose, you could enrol in a regular course, a drop in, or a one-off workshop. If your date appreciates crafts, but the prospect of getting crafty fills you with dread, check out a Makers Market, where you can explore and buy all kinds of interesting and bespoke bits and pieces.

4. Improv and Spoken Word Shows

For live performance that's edgy, raw and indie, head along to the kind of small hipster venues, pub basements and arts festivals that host improv (sketch or game based improvisation – often comedy) and spoken word (rhythmic poetry). It'll make for some unpredictable, alternative and fresh entertainment and if you really like it, there are plenty of opportunities out there to get involved too.

5. Ethnic Brunch

A foodie trend that's predicted to be big this year is brunch with a twist: Indian, Vietnamese, Russian and Italian brunches are all increasing in popularity in New York. You can investigate what's on offer in nearby world food cafes, or if that isn't feasible, search the net for inspiration and create a taste sensation for your date!

6. Wild Food Foraging

Not something for novices to attempt alone, but there are lots of guided foraging walks happening this spring and summer – a great way to get up close to nature with fresh air, exercise and some (literally) fruitful rewards.

7. Trampoline Parks

If this all seems a little pedestrian and you want easy access to more of an adrenaline rush, then a trampoline park with a street vibe will offer a funky setting for an active date. Suitable for all levels of skill, you can dive into a foam bit, play trampoline basketball, or just enjoy the flying feeling that comes with bouncing into the air – and it's a great workout.

Of course, the most important part of a date is the company, so whatever you do and whoever you're with, have fun and happy dating.

### Chapter 27  
Ways to spot a scammer

'I'd like to try internet dating,' confided a friend at church, 'but I've heard stories about scammers, even on Christian websites. I'm a trusting person and I'm not all that web-savvy. I'm worried I'll be taken in by a conman.'

Dating websites are sometimes targeted by fraudsters, who try to convince their victims that they're the answer to their prayers, then con them out of money. Sadly, Christian websites aren't immune. The vast majority of members are genuine, and I happen to know that the good people at Christian Connection work hard at weeding out conmen (and conwomen) – in fact, most are intercepted before they ever make it onto the site. But it's impossible to keep ahead of them all, and there will always be a few who slip through the net. So as members, we need to be 'wise as serpents' and keep our eyes open for signs of deception, reporting anyone who raises our suspicions.

'I was taken in,' admitted one pal. 'I started receiving very complimentary emails from a beautiful woman. The penny should have dropped when she started describing me as "The One" before we'd even met. I finally woke up when she told me she was stranded in Africa after a cancelled flight, and could I send £400 to cover her expenses? The sad reality is that there are con artists everywhere, preying on people who want to believe the best in others.'

Thankfully, my friend realized he was dealing with a scammer before it was too late, but some people end up with empty pockets and broken hearts. Scammers can spend months building a 'relationship' of trust, and they know what to say to sound like a devout believer. Then they hit their victim with a sob story and requests for money or help with immigration. By then, people sometimes can't bear to accept it's all been a lie.

The good news is that it's actually fairly easy to spot a scammer early, before you waste too much time or emotion energy. Here are 10 red flags to look out for:

1. Their picture looks straight out of a model's portfolio.

2. They fall 'in love' with you quickly, despite not having met in person, and make promises of marriage.

3. They try to quickly move you off the website and onto email, instant messaging, Skype or Facebook. Christian Connection's messaging service protects your contact details for a reason, and you should stick to it until you know someone in person.

4. They fish for personal information. Be wary of anyone too pushy – if they're trustworthy, they'll support your desire to protect yourself.

5. They claim to be from the UK but working overseas – for instance, in the army.

6. Their written English isn't good, with lots of spelling and grammar mistakes, and strange turns of phrase.

7. Things don't quite add up, details change and conversations are stilted (scammers are often maintaining 'relationships' with multiple victims at once).

8. Circumstances keep preventing you from meeting in person, such as illness, travel issues or family problems.

9. If you try to end communication, they attempt to emotionally manipulate you or claim you're letting them down.

10. They eventually ask for money to visit you, or for a crisis situation such as illness or being stranded without help.

If you have any concerns, trust your instincts. Cut off contact and report it immediately to the website administrators to investigate confidentially. Never, ever send money, or share any financial or personal details. But if you have, don't be embarrassed to report the deception.

Remember, the vast majority of members on Christian Connection are genuine, so there's really no need to be alarmed. Just keep a wise and slightly skeptical head on your shoulders, and you can enjoy internet dating without fear.

### Chapter 28  
I was wondering... what's your fantasy?

Calm yourself, dear reader, all is above board. By asking about your fantasy, I refer merely to the shadowy fairytale partner lurking in your subconscious. The one who comes into sharp focus whenever talk of coupling up happens. It's possible you've made a list; all the qualities that you knew God was 'laying on your heart'. The perfect combination of personality, character, faith, age, physical appearance, and so much more that meant you'd Just Know when they appeared in front of you. Or maybe the fantasy is so ingrained you've never analyzed the details; you just know you haven't met them yet. And until then life remains an assault course of wannabes, distractions and thanks-but-no-thanks blocking the path to true love.

The problem is, a heart with things laid on it is a heavy heart and that's where it's easy to end up: weighed down. Buried under expectations. The fantasy more real than reality. Somehow it even becomes possible to start believing that all the ones dismissed as not-quite-there are a sign that the-one-that-is not only exists but is on their way. Cosmic sat-nav directing them to the door, sometimes on a route that takes decades. It's not us that needs to change, just hold firm and wait for the heavens to deliver.

Except, how often does someone come along that measures up to a fantasy? I'm going to say absolutely, almost, no-really-you-know-I'm-right, never. And so we're left with heavier hearts, lingering disappointments, distance from others, and questions about God. Dating filters are added, lists lengthened, potential partners overlooked, prayer requests issued, all the time looking for answers outside and not within. The fantasy that can't talk, definitely won't make you a cup of tea, and is ineligible for marriage, is coloring every romantic interaction. Every. Single. One.

It's fair and right that after getting to know someone that there may be sensible reasons why love eternal doesn't blossom or pursuing a relationship isn't the best path. What's not fair is asking a hopeful fellow human to live up to a fantasy or be kicked (metaphorically, hopefully) into touch.

If someone is to be ruled out, either at first glance or after an hour's chat, even after months, is it because they're genuinely not a good match? Or because they don't fit the fantasy? 'God gives the desires of the heart' may be one of most misappropriated concepts in Christian relationships. Somehow it's morphed into an order sheet. Hair colour, class, size, shape, family status and every little detail prayed over and non-negotiable. Yet it's very possible the misty-edged dream sequence pulled from Jane Austen or The Holiday isn't God-given. Rather it's coming from a very human place, just like the Greek thinking behind the idea of our missing Other Half.

When another Christmas or Valentine's rolls around and all that's on the cards is wistfulness, it may be time to ditch the fantasy. From the other side of the fence, coupled life may not – will not – offer the perfection filtered two-headed selfies present. Getting into big commitment means opening up to the hard stuff and the mundane right through till death do you part. Infertility, illness, mental health struggles, financial worries, thwarted plans, dashed dreams are all possibilities, and if nothing hugely challenging occurs there are still dirty socks, in-laws, and sexual awkwardness (ideally not on the same day).

By all means reject a possible romance because there are good reasons it wouldn't work, but think again about what those good reasons are. Ask yourself why you're really not attracted to someone, rather than shrug and insist it's beyond your understanding. Don't let a daydream dictate your future, no matter how long it's been lodged in your psyche. Let the fantasy have a long, well-deserved snooze and look again at the real people you encounter. If you must make a list have a flexible one that focuses on character and real life. Wheel out those trusty fruits of the Spirit, see the person as God sees them and you might just realise who has been hiding in plain sight all along or might be just a couple of clicks away.

### Chapter 29  
How far is too far before marriage?

Although I got a lot of things wrong when I was dating, I had one general policy I still do not regret: I felt it was best to keep my hands off the person I dated.

It's not that I didn't want to get physical with my dates. I just didn't want to create all kinds of connections that would give false momentum to a relationship that might not be going anywhere. And frankly, most of my relationships only lasted a couple of dates or a few months. So the chances seemed pretty high that getting physical would either unnaturally prolong relationships or make it really awkward when I saw a woman after a breakup.

I didn't always abide by this policy, but I'm glad I did most of the time, and here's why: Every person I ever dated ended up getting married to someone else. Some of these couples I only see on Facebook these days, but there are plenty of others whom I still see in person. In fact, I'm actually friends with the partners of several of my old dates.

They do not have to wonder what I know about their partner's body, because I don't really know anything. I mean, sometimes it's awkward enough that I dated their spouse — how much more awkward would it be for that man to know I had gotten physical with them at some point?

I realize there are some folks who have been dating for much longer or who are engaged and feel like it's probably OK to get somewhat physical before marriage. I mean, many of our non-Christian friends take sex as a given in dating. So we figure that it can't hurt a Christian couple to explore a little bit without having sex.

You know, I might agree if I had actually met a couple who could successfully put the brakes on before things started to get out of hand; but after all these years, I still haven't. The thing is, whether it's kissing or groping or removing an article of clothing, it's all foreplay. And once that party gets started, your hormones don't hear your conscience's weakened efforts to remind you about honoring God with your body. So yeah, it makes sense in theory, but in practice, it's practically impossible.

A Short Story: The Struggle for My Wife and Me

"My wife and I had a short dating relationship, and our engagement only lasted five months. Thank God, because we certainly had a strong physical attraction to each other, and every time we were alone, temptation was often right there with us.

I still remember the premarital counseling session with our pastor, Mark Booker, when he asked us whether we were walking in physical purity. I said something like, "Well, we're struggling a little bit."

Mark said, "Yeah, that's what you said in the last two times we met. You know, I'm just going to come right out and say it: You two need to completely discontinue all physical contact until your wedding day."

We were taken aback – I mean; we weren't completely out of control (yet). But we knew he was right. We wanted to honor God and each other before marriage, and it wasn't helping anything for us to see how far we could go without feeling too guilty."

Where the Line Is

If you're looking for some bright line rule for how far is too far before marriage, you're going be disappointed. Other than the absolute prohibition on sex before marriage, the Bible only tells us that lust is a sin and that we should " _flee youthful passions" (2 Timothy 2:22, Matthew 5:28, Job 31:11-12)._ However, this much is safe to say: Sexual desire, which is a good thing, is like hunger — it is meant to be satisfied. But just as a healthy diet requires restraint, so does a healthy sex life.

Sexual passion is like partaking of a feast, and love-making is the tantalizing entrée that is only to be eaten after marriage. I suppose you could stand on the sidelines and sample the hors d' oeuvres as you dream about having a full meal. But if you've been fasting for several years, please understand that there's a very good chance you're not going to be able to stop until you've had your fill. And for most people, that means consuming the entrée before the dinner bell has actually rung, so perhaps it would be wiser to simply stay out of the dining room until then.

I know self-restraint isn't a popular virtue to cultivate. But nonetheless, it's a gift to your future marriage, and in the context of dating, it is a gift you may very well give to someone else's marriage as well.

### Chapter 30  
Are Christians afraid of dating?

Once upon a time, I freaked out about dating. I was that Christian single girl who jumped on the bandwagon of kissing dating goodbye- except of course for dating Jesus.

I repressed my desire for dating and relationships with the opposite sex, and decided that courtship was the "holier" course of action for my life. I bought into the lie that instead of actually DEALING with my fear of failure, or my fear of making mistakes, I could just sit back and do nothing, and pray that God would magically bring me a spouse.

Interacting with the opposite sex became this pressure-filled, awkward, sinful-feeling give and take that left me feeling confused, impatient, and totally lacking control. I bought into the theory that dating was wrong and that the only way to find God's one and only match for my life would be to wait for some sort of sign from God. Wasn't that what it meant to have real faith?

So, I waited. And waited. And waited.

In walks Mr. Prince-Somewhat-Charming. He initiates, and I respond. That's how it's supposed to work, isn't it? (You bible-belt kids know exactly what I'm talking about!) So excited to finally meet a man who pursued me I jumped at the chance to enter into a relationship with him. I did everything right, so this MUST be right, I thought to myself. But the longer the relationship progressed, the more I began to feel that this relationship was not the right fit for my life.

The problem with my immature mentality is that it left no room for error, and that's how I'd been trained to think. Afraid of failure and of playing the dreaded dating game, I decided to stay in a relationship for far longer than I should have. A relationship that caused heartache, heartbreak, and a whole lot of wasted time.

Though I wish I could change my relationship history, my choices make sense in the context of my former belief system. I mean, the world of dating can be hard to navigate for a Christian.

First of all, Christian society and the Church at large hasn't added much to the conversation. We've created a "fear culture" around the topic of dating. We hardly talk about it, and then when we do it's all fire and brimstone freaking us out about choosing the wrong person to marry and waving the divorce rates over our heads. Add to that our parents – the baby-boomer generation – haven't necessarily been the ideal role-models to depict a healthy, loving, marriage. So, we look to the world...

There, we're bombarded by a culture that defines dating as this feel-good, romantic, emotionally-driven, sexual experience. If something feels right, do it. If someone feels right, do them. It's a culture that embraces pleasure and passion as the foundation of a relationship. Commitment is trumped by chemistry and loyalty is replaced with lust. It's a mentality that tends to live in the moment, forsaking the building of a future.

It's no wonder that Christians tend to freak out about dating. And it's no wonder we're dealing with the highest numbers of single men and women we've EVER had in our country. We spend years pouring fear into their lives surrounding the topic of relationships, and then wonder why everyone's still single!

Rather than trying to navigate through the world of dating in a healthy way, we either avoid it or continue to do it in an unhealthy way.

But the truth is, God never intended us to live in fear, but rather in faith. God's word reminds us that perfect love casts out fears. Not only that but in this world God has given us all the wisdom we need to live by faith! Wisdom and faith always go hand in hand. That includes every part of our life, including dating.

As I began to ask for wisdom in the area of dating and relationships, I began engaging in the balancing act between the world's perspective of dating vs. the "Christian" perspective of dating, I found myself empowered and my relationships enhanced. I finally felt that I was able to take control of my life and relationships, rather than allowing my culture and sub-culture to take control of me. When it came to striking the right balance, I finally stopped freaking out when I began to consider these concepts in light of my relationships:

1. Date to know yourself better: A crucial component to finding a healthy relationship is the concept of getting to know yourself. You can't know what you want or what you need in a relationship until you get to know who you are. It's important to begin this journey long before you are in a dating relationship, but to then allow this process to extend into your dating relationships.

You can learn so much about yourself as you engage in relationships with the people around you. Use this time to reflect on who you are, what you want, and where you are going. See your interactions as a reflection of your strengths, weaknesses, actions and reactions. Be observant and aware so that you can use each and every relationship in your life to become a better version of yourself.

2. Take it one date at a time: Everything good in life happens as a result of time. Like a beautiful blossom- growth, intimacy, and commitment in a relationship are all things that require life's natural unfolding to bring them into full bloom. If time brings things into fruition, why do Christians psyche themselves out into thinking that they have to know if that person is "the one" within 24 hours of meeting them! Talk about some serious pressure. It's no wonder she's afraid to text him back, and he's afraid to ask her out for coffee.

Maybe it's time to relax a little, and trust God to lead you into the right relationship one step at a time. If you are following His leading, waiting for His peace, and trusting the internal wisdom He's given you- one step at a time will always lead you into the right direction or guide you out of the wrong direction. You don't have to know if they're "the one" as long as you're in tune with the Almighty One. So have faith...and then take the next step.

3. Date toward no regrets: Though the modern concept of dating is not mentioned in Scripture, principles of interacting with one another are littered throughout. Applying these standards to your actions and interactions will give you guidance and direction in interacting with the opposite sex with no regrets. We are called engage in relationships that are mutually edifying, encouraging, and uplifting (1 Thess. 5:11). We are asked to refrain from arousing our sexual desires prematurely, reserving them to be expressed in a permanent covenant relationship through marriage (Song of Solomon 8:4, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Thessalonians 4:3). We are encouraged to see everything that we do in life as an opportunity to glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31). Why not see dating as just another means to this glorious end?

After some self-reflection, I finally realized that I was using dating as the scapegoat, rather than addressing my baggage, my fears and my deep-seated insecurities. When I finally came to terms with the reality that dating was not the enemy, I was freed to address my own sinfulness and take accountability for my interactions with the opposite sex. At the end of the day, I realized that by making willful decisions, I could take control of my relationships rather than allowing them to take control of me.

Christians, it's time to change the subculture that we have created that cringes in fear at the thought of interacting with the opposite sex, because we're teaching the next generation to live in fear, not in faith.

It's time to stop freaking out about dating and see it as an opportunity for growth, insight, and right relationships. It's time to take the pressure off of "finding the one" and instead learn to glorify The One through every single interaction that we have with the world around us. Dating included.

### Chapter 31  
Dating and the denomination dilemma

'I'd never marry a non-Christian, but what about someone from a different denomination?' mused a woman I met at a Bible week. 'I go to a charismatic Christian fellowship, and I've starting dating an Anglo-Catholic man. He's lovely and very Godly, but his church is so different from mine, it's like another religion! I'm wondering if it can ever really work between us.'

I once made a throwaway comment in one of my Christian Connection blogs about people missing out on love because of differences as 'trifling' as denomination. The good members of CC were quick to point out that while we may all share a common faith (and some aren't even sure about that!), styles of worship and the day-to-day living out of our faith can vary enormously. For some people, this doesn't matter; for others, the gulf is too wide.

When I thought about it, I had to agree. Building a relationship with someone whose Christian life is very different to our own, and with whom we may disagree profoundly on theological issues, can be very challenging. A lot depends on our previous experiences of church (good and bad), and what Christian tradition feels most authentic to us. For instance, if you hate noisy worship, find succour in liturgy and ritual, and see prayer as a strictly private practice, then you may struggle to find a meeting point with someone who expects to pray out loud together every day, go to praise-a-thons and lead a homegroup.

'Denomination sometimes means a lot, and sometimes doesn't,' one friend told me. 'I'd struggle to be in a relationship with a woman who doesn't share my views on core Christian doctrines.'

'I recently met a lovely Catholic man,' shared another. 'I can live with him having the odd chat to Mary, and even the prospect of having loads of children. But I'm divorced, so before we can even start a relationship, we have to check if I can get an annulment! And it was a seriously surreal experience discussing contraception on our third date...'

Some couples make it work. I know one pair where the wife, who came from an Evangelical church, joined her husband's traditional Anglican church. While it isn't her 'natural' church environment, she's happy and settled in her new community, and hasn't looked back.

Another couple I know go to different churches. She's happy-clappy; he loves smells-and-bells. Neither can stomach the other's services, so they stick to their own, visiting each other's churches for special events. It wouldn't work for everyone, but they're happy with the arrangement.

'My boyfriend is from a conservative Evangelical background; I'm central Church of England,' one reader shared. 'We've found a Evangelical C of E that suits us both. We sometimes disagree, but we try to look at the Bible and work out what it really says. We almost always end up agreeing.'

'As long as a partner's focus is on God, I'm happy,' added another. 'Sometimes, differences expand your horizons.'

However, this requires a genuine acceptance of who the other person is, not viewing them as someone to be 'converted' to your way of doing things. 'I dated a man from a charismatic church,' recalled one woman. 'I had no issue with that, but he tried to lead me away from my own Presbyterian church, and I didn't like that.'

So if you meet someone with relationship potential, but who comes from a very different Christian tradition to your own, how can you determine if it's workable? The key is to first decide which issues are fundamental beliefs, and which boil down to church culture. Then find your common ground, work out where you're each happy to compromise (or not), and see what you're left with.

'There are more important things to consider than denomination – shared values, interests, honesty, whether you actually get on!' said one Facebooker. 'Then it doesn't matter if they're Baptist, Anglican, Evangelical or whatever.'

I agree, and I believe it's worth putting in the effort. While some differences may be impossible to negotiate, it would be a tragedy to miss out on a good marriage just because of the trappings of church styles.

### Chapter 32  
No-pressure dating and the value of friendship

For singles, there's a lot of pressure these days to find a partner and fall in love — which equates to a lot of pressure to search for that person through dating.

Whether it comes from society's standards, well-meaning friends, or our own desires, there are quite a few voices out there telling singles to do a lot of dating, because one of those dates could end up being that one special someone.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with dating and meeting new people. In fact, spending time with people and getting to know them is completely good and healthy. But sometimes I wonder if we've been doing it with the wrong mindset.

There are a few tips my good friend James was kind enough to share with us:

Valuing Someone For Who They Are

We seek people out with the specific agenda of getting into a relationship, rather than just enjoying the opportunity to get to know someone over time. In doing so, however, we inadvertently put a lot of pressure on the relationship for things to work out in just the right way — and then we get hurt and frustrated when that doesn't happen.

Rather than assuming or expecting a deeper relationship right away, we need to learn to value people first and foremost for who they are and for the genuine fellowship they can provide without any extra strings attached. Only once we've done that will we be prepared for a solid, healthy relationship when and if the right one does come along.

Valuing Unintentional Dating

I'm as guilty of this wrong mindset as anyone is, but I've begun trying to change. In my somewhat sheltered upbringing from church youth group, I was taught to date intentionally, with the goal of marriage in mind, and to date only one person at a time. All of that sounds good, and I still believe there's some wisdom to it. But this mindset has too often led me to pick one girl I liked and to form an expected goal in my head before I even make the first move — before I really even get to know her as a person. And, without real-life interaction and companionship, those expectations too easily lead to hurt and disappointment.

The approach of getting to know someone without the pressure of a relationship — while it sounds good — has admittedly challenged my previous views on dating. More recently, I've had a few friends advise me to take a more casual approach to dating — to get to know people first without having an agenda in mind, and just let things progress as they will. While my rigid rule-following nature bristled a bit at the concept of "casual dating," I've begun to see some benefits in the idea.

I think part of my confusion and inner conflict has stemmed from the semantics of the term "dating." Depending on how it's used, the term doesn't have to refer exclusively to romance. I had one good friend suggest that, when I met a girl I found interesting, I ask her to meet me for coffee, but without paying for hers. My initial reaction was, "What? But shouldn't I pay for her, and pick her up beforehand, and get a nice dinner somewhere instead of just coffee?" But I've learned that there's a big difference between actual formal dates, which have a clear romantic connotation, and "coffee dates," which are just to hang out and get to know people and have a good time. Starting out with a few "coffee dates" rather than a formal date can help to relieve a lot of premature pressure on the relationship.

Valuing Group Dates

Some events are even called "group dates" — which may sound confusing if a date is exclusively an appointment between two people — but they can also be a good time to get to know people in a casual, informal setting. Sure, these casual "dates" — or hangouts, or whatever we like to call them — can lead to more formal and exclusive romantic pursuits once we've begun to get to know someone. But we shouldn't assume from the beginning that this will always be the case, or try to make it happen if it's not coming naturally. We should just spend time with people, enjoy and value it for what it is, and then see when and if a more exclusive form of dating seems like the right next step.

Valuing Friendship

I recently started a new job and relocated to a new area, so I'm just starting again to get to know people around me and form a consistent circle of friends. One of the first new friends I made in this area was a girl close to my age. I'd be lying if I said the thought of dating her never occurred to me at all; again, society pressures us to be always on the lookout, and my analytical mind can't ignore the possibilities. Still, I didn't make it my immediate goal to get close to her for the purpose of dating her. I just tried to get to know her more as a person, as a friend, because friends are what I still need more of in my new location anyway.

One afternoon we went to an event together, and although at least one person did mistake us for a couple, I didn't consider it a serious date. I didn't pick her up beforehand, and we both paid for ourselves, so I don't think there was any extra pressure on either of us. I just enjoyed getting to know and talk to a friend, without feeling like I needed to impress her or act differently like I might on a serious date. As long as I don't overthink things too much and don't bring a specific agenda into our interactions, I can enjoy the opportunity to just relax and have fun with a good friend.

I'm still gradually learning to change my mindset on dating — to stop viewing every girl I meet as a potential girlfriend, and to appreciate genuine friendships with good people for what they are. If we can all begin to work toward that goal of cultivating sincere and valuable friendships, then hopefully all of our relationships — friendships and otherwise — will become a lot healthier and happier.

### Chapter 33  
No chemistry? Take a second look

"I don't feel any chemistry with the people who've contacted me online, so I haven't corresponded or met up with any of them," said the email. "My friends think I'm being too fussy, but isn't sexual attraction important in a relationship? If the spark's not there, it's not there!"

Many online daters have received the baffling verdict of "no chemistry" from someone they've never met in real life. God bless people for trying to soften the blow when what they really mean is that they don't like the look of someone. But dismissing a potential date at first glance isn't a smart move for anyone looking for love – or passion!

For most of us, attraction is something we only discover when we meet someone in person, and it often has precious little to do with looks. Think about it. I'm sure we all know people who weren't even a blip on our radar to start with, but who became incredibly attractive once we got to know them, thanks to their confidence, manner, humor and warmth. Likewise, we all know people who are extremely good-looking, yet don't float our boat at all – maybe they come across as cold or negative or uninteresting, or that indefinable spark is simply missing.

One of the problems with internet dating is that, with so little information to go on – and a seemingly endless supply of candidates to consider – looks inevitably become more significant. We find ourselves ruling out people on a whim. It's to be expected to an extent – after all, we have to narrow down the possibilities somehow.

However, during my time online, I learnt that photos were a surprisingly weak indicator of how I'd feel about someone in real life. I met men who were undeniably handsome, but in person they left me flatlining. I also met men who, based on looks alone, I wouldn't pick out of a crowd of one – and was taken aback by how attractive they were in real life, especially if I got to know them over a period of time. I ended up in a relationship with a man who wouldn't have made much impact on me in a photo, but in person, the attraction was instant – the full fireworks!

But don't take my word for it. Here's what some of my friends have said... "I've met two men whose photos I didn't find that attractive, but who sounded like nice people with whom I had a lot in common. Even within an hour or two, they started to become more attractive."... "It's difficult online as you need something to spark your interest – but off-line, the people I'm most attracted to are the ones with personality."... "I met the loveliest guy and I honestly wouldn't have picked him off a website. Unfortunately it didn't work out, which I'm gutted about."... "I dated a guy who, had I seen certain photos of him, I wouldn't have given a second glance. He won me over with his emails and, in the flesh, he was very attractive."

Of course, looks will always play a part in attraction, but not as much as we might expect. Dismissing someone on the strength of a photo is a great way to miss out on meeting a lovely Christian who might just rock your world. So next time you're tempted to say "Thanks but no thanks" because someone's picture leaves you cold, think again. Read their profile, engage in some chat and perhaps take a chance on meeting up. You might be surprised to discover who lights your fire!

### Chapter 34  
'Date to marry' or 'Marry to date?'

I've heard this question asked lots of times, albeit in different ways. 'How do you know if someone is the right person for you?', 'How long should you date before you get married?', 'Should you date at all?', 'Surely, if you know deep in your heart that someone is right for you, there's no harm in going ahead and marrying them...?'

Both points of view have their advantages and disadvantages, which I hope to shed some light on. One thing worth remembering, however, is that every relationship is different and there is no 'one size fits all'.

Let's look at the first; 'Date to marry'

Some people see this as the traditional way of doing things; you meet someone, go on a few dates, decide you like them enough to enter into a long term relationship, or courtship, as some prefer to call it. The point of this period is to see whether you are compatible for marriage. During courtship, you get to know more about the person; you see them in different scenarios, with friends and family and in different seasons of the year. You get to know their likes and dislikes, and if they have any annoying habits. The longer the courtship period, the more you get to know about the person. Somewhere down the line (maybe a few months, or perhaps, years), you decide that you know enough about the person to take that step towards marriage.

One major advantage of courting someone for a while before marrying them, in effect, 'dating to marry' is that there are no surprises when you do get married; you don't find out something major about that person that you can't handle.

You may also start dating someone and come to the conclusion that it isn't going to work out because you are not compatible. This is a good thing; a broken engagement / courtship is better than a broken marriage.

There are however, some disadvantages to having a long courtship period. The obvious one is physical intimacy. The desire to get closer physically is sometimes one of the main reasons some Christian couples decide to get married sooner rather than later. If you love someone and are physically attracted to them, it is only natural to want to take that relationship to the next level physically. Having a long courtship period basically means that you have to wait longer, and not everyone is blessed with the patience to wait.

Another possible disadvantage (if you choose to see it that way) is linked to having children. Women have biological clocks and medically, the older you are, the less fertile you become. If this is something that concerns you particularly, waiting a few years before getting married can be challenging. On this issue, I try to remind people that God is the ultimate giver of children, and if His plan for you includes having kids, then, it will happen. It is also worth remembering that marriage is first of all about the husband and wife; children are an additional blessing.

Now, to the other side of the coin; 'Marry to date'

Some people claim to 'just know' when they meet that special someone. For some, it's the peace in their hearts. For others, a confirmation they've asked God specifically for. Whatever the reason, some people decide to trust their instincts or their gut feeling and just go for it.

The argument for this is that, sometimes, we over-complicate this whole marriage thing. Surely the most important thing is that the person loves God, you guys get along and you have some things in common. Being physically attracted to the person obviously helps too. So, if you're prayerfully searching and you meet someone that ticks the right boxes for you, why not trust that God is guiding you and take that step?

There's also the school of thought that says that you're never going to fully know someone, no matter how long you date them, so you may as well take the leap of faith, sit back and enjoy getting to know your husband or wife in the wonderful institution of marriage. In effect, you start the 'dating' process, whilst actually being married. Sounds all romantic and exciting doesn't it? Well...

The obvious disadvantage of the 'marry to date' philosophy is that you could be in for a shock when you get married. Suddenly you realise that he burps every time he eats, or that she picks her nose when she thinks no one is watching. Or better still, he can't cook to save his life but expects a freshly cooked dinner on the table when he gets home from work every day! Hmmm...

If you marry someone without taking the time to get to know them, without seeing them in different scenarios, with family and friends, at different times of the year (yes, some people are different in the winter compared to the summer), you could be in for more rough patches than you care to count.

Those against the 'marry to date' idea will also tell you that marriage is too big a decision to make without adequate and thoughtful consideration, which takes time.

But, others will argue that if you are walking with God and being led by His Spirit, you can 'just know'. This may sound crazy to some people, but is not at all crazy to them.

Where do I stand in all of this?

I personally believe it is crucial that you get to know someone as much as possible before getting married to them. Even when two people are right for each other, you can never underestimate the importance of taking the time to get to know each other. During the courtship phase, you get the chance to ask each other questions and discuss your dreams, and plans for the future, amongst other things.

But like I said at the beginning, every relationship is different, and what works for one may not work for the other. We're all different individuals, and as Christians, I believe God leads us in different ways.

### Chapter 35  
Too busy to find love? Time for a new year's resolution!

'I want to meet someone and get married, but I simply don't have time for online dating and singles events,' said the message. 'What with working long hours and volunteering at church, I don't have much spare time. Besides, I believe we should be good stewards of our time, and there are better ways to use it than chasing around trying to find a partner. There must be another way.'

It's true that dating websites and singles events can get time-consuming – they can take over your life if you're not careful! It's also true that these methods for meeting people aren't for everyone, and there are other ways to expand your Christian social circle. However, they ALL involve an investment of time and effort.

While researching his book _Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others_ , John Molloy uncovered some interesting data. He discovered that the women in his study who got married were no less busy or successful in their careers and other endeavors than those who remained single. In fact, they often had busier schedules than their single sisters. 'The difference was planning,' says Molloy. 'These women went about meeting a husband in the same way as they went about succeeding in their careers, carefully allocating their time so they had a social life.'

In other words, it isn't either/or, but a matter of balance, good time management and valuing your own future happiness enough to invest time in it (and of course, the same applies to men). And what better time than new year to make changes to improve your work/ministry/life balance and create space for love? Especially as membership of dating websites peak at this time of year, as everyone else does the same!

Among my friends and family, I'm notorious for taking on too many projects and responsibilities, leaving little time for myself – but all my achievements won't keep me warm at night and love me in my old age, will they? So when I joined the Christian dating scene, I diaried in time to devote to building my long-term happiness. As one friend told me, 'If you're too busy to have a life, there are things in your schedule that God didn't ask you to do.'

The suggestion that we don't have time to look for love misses another very important fact. Relationships themselves are very time-consuming. Getting to know someone well enough to commit to marriage requires many hundreds of hours spent sharing experiences and inner thoughts, and testing whether you're compatible. I've learned that to nurture a relationship, you have to make changes to your life and free up plenty of time to devote to it. There's really no way around that.

It doesn't stop once you're married, either. Christian relationship counsellor Willard F Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs, says married couples need to spend a minimum of fifteen hours quality time together every week, alone and undistracted by other tasks, to maintain a healthy, bonded relationship. Fifteen hours sounds like a big ask (who has that kind of spare time?!), but Harley insists that if you can find that time when you're dating, you can find it when you're married – and what's more, your marriage depends on it.

So I'd gently suggest that if you're really too busy to look for a mate, then you're too busy for a relationship at all. But it's a new year, the perfect time to reassess and let go of some of your regimes to free up time – not only to meet new people, but so you're ready when love comes calling.

On the other hand, some of us use 'time' as an excuse when we're subconsciously avoiding relationships due to fear of rejection or being hurt. If that rings true for you, seek prayer and counselling to help you deal with your fears, and make 2016 the year you're ready to find the love you deserve.

### Chapter 36  
Christian principles that will help your relationships

It's been said many times before that becoming a Christian changes everything.

This truism got me thinking about how our faith impacts our relationships.

When Nicky and Sila Lee started their now famous Marriage and Parenting courses, they weren't expecting non-Christians to turn up. But they soon found their courses, although built on Christian principles, were so practical that many outside of the church benefitted from them.

Hearing this got me thinking about what these Christian principles are, and how they can impact our relationships for the better.

1. Love

Love is at the centre of Christianity. But what does love really mean? In Christian thinking, love is sacrificial and self-giving. One of the most important pieces of relationship advice I've heard is that true love is all about putting the other person's needs before your own. This isn't just the core of Christian marriage, it's also at the core of who God is (as he gave/sacrificed his Son for us).

2. Forgiveness

Another key aspect of Christian faith is the belief that because God has forgiven me, I must forgive others. A relationship can stand or fall based entirely on whether both parties are willing to forgive. Your relationship will not last unless forgiveness is allowed to flow freely between you both.

3. Joy

Contrary to popular belief, the Bible has a lot to say about joy. God doesn't want us to be miserable, and he certainly doesn't want us to be in joyless relationships. If being a Christian makes you miserable 24/7 you're probably doing it wrong. The same goes for relationships.

4. Faithfulness

Jesus has promised to never leave us, nor forsake us. The marriage vows are similar (till death do us part). God will always love me no matter what I do. Will you choose to love and be faithful, even if this isn't always reciprocated? It's a huge challenge.

It should go without saying that Christians do not have the monopoly on love, forgiveness, joy and faithfulness. But these principles are integral to who we are and what we believe. So let's apply them not just to the way we live out our faith broadly, but how we live out our relationships specifically. Whether Christian or not, these principles are vital for every relationship to succeed.

### Chapter 37  
Backing out and Breaking up

In the dating world there's often a lot said as to how to go about finding people to date, how to create a good online profile and how to date well. However (and unsurprisingly as we naturally prefer to focus on the positive) there's less said about how to end well.

Dating, and especially online dating, does involve an element of risk. Not high stake scary risks, but the kind of risks that mean you'll almost certainly chat to and go on dates with many people only to discover they're just not right for you. You might date someone for quite some time and find in the end, you're not compatible in the long term. You might have to do some breaking up, or tell someone there'll be no second date, or you might be the one on the receiving end of it. So the likelihood is that at some point you'll find you fall into one or many of these categories – or already have on numerous occasions! Even if you have plenty of experience in this area it can feel like a minefield, but here are a few reminders and suggestions as to how to be kind to one another in the process.

Don't lie

If you don't want to keep seeing someone or have changed your mind about going on date, don't make up a false excuse. Mainly because it's wrong, but also because the Christian community in particular is relatively small and social media has made it even smaller, meaning that there's a good chance you'll be found out. You might see it as just a 'white' lie, or think you won't be caught out and damage your reputation – but you'd be surprised. So be honest.

Don't be too honest!

Ok, this may sound like a contradiction, but while I would advocate not lying, I wouldn't advocate a brutal kind of honesty. If you thought the person you went out for a drink with was so incredibly dull and boring you couldn't wait to get away – well, you don't need to tell them that. Equally, telling someone you're not attracted to them can also be a little harsh. It's usually best to keep it brief, constructive and general if you haven't spent much time with the person. If you've been dating for a while and they're asking for specifics it's a little trickier...

Break-ups

If you're ending with someone you've been dating for some time, you probably will have to have a more detailed conversation as to why it didn't work. In this scenario it's still important to be constructive – the other person might request and benefit from some feedback, but keep it gentle and objective with their best interests at heart. This goes for whether you're doing the breaking up, or being broken up with.

New beginnings

So you've had some awkward dates, or your love life just isn't going to plan at the moment – in life things often don't work out the way we want, but sometimes... they work out a whole lot better. No experience ever need be wasted, so arm yourself with a good sense of humour, a sense of adventure and a positive outlook. If something has come to an end, a new thing will begin –so keep a look out!

### Chapter 38  
Breaking The Top Five Myths of Christian Dating

There are some myths out there that people assume to be gospel about dating. Christian culture is like any other in that we develop truisms that we accept without verifying. There are things floating around that have little or nothing to do with the Bible. Most are well intended and contain a nugget of truth. Some are flat out wrong. Dating is hard enough without sifting through all this erroneous information, so let's debunk some myths. There are plenty of them, but let's focus on what I believe are the top five myths that make dating harder for Christian men.

Myth #1: "God has one woman picked out for you to marry. You are destined to be with her, and God will guide you to her."

Good luck finding this one in the Bible. There is plenty of stuff about God's will for his people, God wanting good things for you, and God's ultimate plan. Nowhere, however, does it say that God picked out a spunky brunette whom he's waiting to spring on you at the right moment. I'm not saying that he doesn't. When it comes to God, I'm pretty careful about saying what he does or doesn't do. But I do know this if you rely on this idea too much, your dating life will get really confusing.

Some Christians take a lot of comfort in the idea that God will do the heavy lifting when it comes to dating. God will tell them if a relationship is right, and God will end it if it's not. All they have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride. This may be the biggest excuse men use for being lazy in relationships, much less finding one.

German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer addresses this issue in a wedding sermon he wrote for his sister from a Nazi jail cell. He says that God joins the relationship between a man and a woman at the point of marriage. Before that, the couple has to take the initiative. Rather than directing the course of the relationship, God wants the couple to grow and learn how to make a commitment. Once they've done that, God increases his sustaining presence.

I'm not saying that God doesn't have a will regarding your dating life. God may, in fact, have a spunky brunette in mind, and he's steering you toward her as you read this. But the Bible does not promise that God will provide a loving relationship for you while you sit around and do nothing. But, as in all things, it's best to ask for his guidance. The Bible promises he will provide that whenever we ask. Rely on God's love, wisdom, and sustaining presence while you're dating. Though God won't do all the work for you, he'll be with you every step of the way.

The good news is that most men don't have a problem with this. Regardless of your theology on the Predestination of Girlfriends, you're probably eager to be an active participant in your dating life. This brings us to our next myth.

Myth #2: "The Bible has clearly defined guidelines for dating."

People didn't date in biblical times. Dating as a socially accepted means of finding a mate has been around for less than a century. Before that, strict courtship rituals governed the path to marriage. Whom you married wasn't even up to you most of the time. Falling in love before you got married or engaged is a twentieth century concept. Dating as we know it occurred after marriage. In college, I had an older professor from Japan whose marriage had been arranged. He made fun of modern dating, saying, "By the time you get married now, the fun is over. In an arranged marriage, the fun starts after the wedding!" (No, that wasn't a suggestion for you to set up an arranged marriage.)

For the Hebrews and the early church, dating wasn't an issue to be addressed in Scripture. Sex and marriage were, but not dating. When the Bible was written, a person basically had one of three options: remaining single, an amoral life with multiple partners or prostitutes, or an arranged marriage. There were courtship rituals in place, but nothing that looks like what we consider dating today.

The church has reached a difficult crossroads when it comes to pre marriage romance. We no longer have rituals of courtship and arranged marriage to guide us every step of the way. This leaves a lot of room for error. It's also spawned a whole range of opinions and advice on how to handle dating. One glance at the numerous books about love, dating, and marriage suggests that we're making a lot of this up as we go along.

Of course, there are biblical principles that are essential in dating. If you follow the biblical prescriptions for gentleness, respect, sexual purity, and kindness ( _Gal. 5:19, 23_ ), you are bound to make much better decisions in dating situations. Your head and your heart should be in Scripture at all times, but you won't find specific guidelines for dating. Is it okay to kiss before marriage? The answer isn't in the Bible (though the Song of Solomon sure gives us a clue). How about going out on dates alone? Nope, not in there either. The Bible provides some crucial relational principles but doesn't address the specifics.

This requires more decision making on your part. You can't follow antiquated courtship rituals anymore. (At least I don't advise it. Asking a woman's father if you can date his daughter without consulting her first might be a good way to never get a first date.) You also don't have a scriptural field manual that tells you how to behave in every situation. It's up to you to be in prayer and conversation with your Christian community about these things. You're going to have to think, talk, pray, and be ready to make some mistakes. Speaking of mistakes, let's look at our next myth.

Myth #3: "God will reveal to you the woman that you are going to marry the instant you meet her."

If this is true, I screwed up somewhere. I thought my wife was out of my league when I met her. We had a nice conversation, but I left thinking that she wouldn't go out with a guy like me. Regardless, I didn't get a divine telegram saying, "She's the one! Start picking out china patterns!"

Waiting for God to whack you on the head and tell you whom to marry isn't faith; it's fear. Many people want nothing to do with dating because of the risk and potential pain that it involves. This is certainly understandable, as dating can have traumatic results in unhealthy circumstances. But what do you think serves us better in the long run? Growing and suffering in the process of learning or a revelation that lets us off the hook? I would have loved to know that the beautiful woman I was talking to would one day be my wife, but I might not have worked as hard to earn her hand in marriage. I would have missed a lot of experiences that made me a better man.

Be careful if you think God has told you that Betty from the bookstore is the one for you, but you have no idea if she feels the same way. If you plunge in, convinced that you are on a mission from God, and she's not sure yet, it's a quick way to scare her off. Our unconscious mind can kick up powerful feelings that sometimes get mistaken for a message from God. Maybe she was nicer to you than anyone you've met in a long time. Maybe she's the first woman you ever met that likes Cracker Jacks as much as you do. Or maybe she's just drop dead gorgeous. Of course, a woman who's nice, white hot cute, and likes Cracker Jacks might be someone you want to ask on a date. I just wouldn't go ring shopping yet. Especially if you want a second date.

Myth #4: "You have to be friends with a woman before you can date her."

This is the point where I might tick off some of you, so allow me to assuage your anger before I explain this myth. I am not saying that you cannot or should not be friends before dating. I'm also not talking about a man and a woman who are interested in each other and agree to be friends for a period before dating. Some of the most successful relationships begin in friendship. Sometimes you don't even know you want to date someone until you're friends with her. I've met couples who were friends for years and then fell in love. It's a super way to start a relationship.

The problem is that a lot of men think the best way to pursue a woman is to befriend her while hiding their interest in dating her. This is a rotten idea and sets a lot of men up for trouble.

Tommy was a client of mine who tried this approach. He had been interested in a woman at his church for a few months, but he was terrified of rejection. So he made his best effort to become her friend, never letting on that he wanted to be her boyfriend. He gave her rides to church, had coffee with her, and talked to her on the phone two or three times a week. Whenever she needed help or support, Tommy was there. But he never asked her out. Then another man in the church asked her out, and she accepted. When she shared the news with Tommy, he was devastated. He told her about his true feelings, and she was shocked. She was hurt that he didn't tell her sooner and expressed regret that he'd never asked her out. However, she refused to back out of the date with the other guy. It proved the end of their friendship, and Tommy retreated into frustration and despair.

You have to be honest about what you're doing. Don't kid yourself and don't lie to her. Be friends all you want, but if you want to date her, she needs to know and you need to ask her out.

Some people distinguish "dating" from "friendship" based on one thing: physical intimacy. More specifically, kissing. A man and a woman who are interested in each other remain "friends" by going out only on group dates and refraining from intimate contact of any description. Apparently, this means they aren't dating.

Whatever.

Friendship and dating are categorically different. Of course, you must be friends with the person you date, but there's much more to it. The emotional "heat" that occurs between people in a romantic relationship is both more exhilarating and more complicated than friendship. People have higher expectations for someone they're considering for marriage. Friendship cannot contain the emotions, intensity, and intimacy that dating does. If you and a woman are hot for each other, you aren't "just friends." I don't care if you go out on dates alone or with the whole church choir. It also doesn't matter if you wear a HAZMAT suit and stay ten feet away from her at all times. If romance is the goal of a man and woman's relationship, they are dating. Confuse it with friendship at your peril.

Myth #5: "A man's sexuality is a ravenous, snarling beast that should be kept in a cage until he's married."

I admit I've never heard it put that way, but the implication is out there. Any lecture or book on dating inevitably includes something about sex (and, yes, this one does too). Frequently, the message is "Control yourself! Your sex drive is out to get you! It's just waiting for one weak moment to jump out and turn you into a nymphomaniac and demolish your soul." And then we wonder why so many Christians end up with sexual problems, both before and after marriage.

The Bible tells us to save sex for marriage ( _1Cor. 7:2_ ). That's crucial. But you knew that already. The problem is we tend to emphasize this prohibition and leave it at that. No one talks about sexuality before marriage because sexuality before marriage is bad.

This leaves us with a small problem. Our sexuality is part of who we are from the moment we're born. If you take away a man's sexuality, you take away his identity. Your sexuality will be there, playing an active role, from the moment you ask a woman out. In fact, without sexuality, men wouldn't date. They'd play video games and eat pizza. Our sexuality is what gets us interested in women in the first place, and that's a good thing.

Did you think God gave you a sex drive just to torture you until you got married? There are plenty of things God does that I don't understand, but he's not cruel. Many people confuse sexual drives with sinful desires. Though sexual drives, like all drives, can become sinful, they're holy in their raw state. Yes, I said holy. Your sex drive comes from God. If you don't think that makes it holy, take it up with him.

The trick we have to pull off is holy, healthy expression of our sexuality before marriage. It's not easy, but it can be done. It will look different for different people, but it needs to be expressed. Otherwise it will force its way out. Look at the crisis of Internet pornography running rampant through the church. Men are dying for a way to embrace and express their sex drives. You can't ignore your sexuality, and you can't white knuckle your way through life until your wedding night. Your sexuality isn't bad. It's not sinful or dirty. It's a gift from God, and we need to figure out a way to embrace that gift before marriage.
