 
200 Jokes, Funny Facts, Etc.

Book One

by

Jesse Spriggs

Published by Penn Mill Publishing, LLC at Smashwords, Inc.

ISBN: 9871310833465

#  Book One Contents

10 Animal Jokes

10 Bar Room Jokes

10 Blonde Jokes

15 Doctor Jokes

10 Farmer Jokes

10 Golf Jokes

10 Heaven or Hell Jokes

10 Inspirational Items

15 Little Johnny Jokes

20 Man to Man Jokes

20 Man vs Woman Jokes

20 Misc Jokes

15 Senior Citizen Jokes

15 Surprise Ending Jokes

10 Work Place Jokes

More Humor

# Animal Jokes Contents

A Dog Named Sarge

Bank Loan

Cat Schedule

Dogs and Light Bulbs

Gorilla on Roof

I Feel a Flea

Milk Saucer

Old Man and Dog

Safari Poodle

Talking Dog

Back To Book One Contents

# A Dog Named Sarge

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, 'Sarge'.

The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.

A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened to ole Sarge?," he asked.

"Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all that damn dog would do was sit on his ass and bark."

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# Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

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# Cat Schedule

This is what cats have scheduled around the clock! You indoor cat owners can agree with me!

12:00 AM: The cat gets hungry hops on to nearest human attempts to wake human up to feed the cat!

1:00 AM: After human feeds the cat at midnight, the cat gets a surge of energy and has a sudden need to play!! Cat then jumps up and down on human's chest as a use for entertainment.

3:06 AM: After the human throws the cat off the bed, the cat jumps back up on the bed and finds the human's toes as a new toy.

3:10 AM: After the human kicks the cat off the bed, the cat gets angry and storms out of the room.

4:00 AM: Human goes to the bathroom. Cats find this a great opportunity to show affection for human. When human returns to the bedroom he finds the cat totally stretched out in the right across the dead center of the bed. After human throws cat into basement the cat feels upset and hurt. Cat claws and meows at the door in order to get the humans attention.

4:10 AM: Human frustrated because it is getting no sleep and it has to go to work at 5:00. The human cannot sleep because it hears the loud noises that the cat is making. Human opens the door to the basement and the cat runs into the human's bedroom and under the bed.

4:40 AM: After spending 30 minutes trying to get the cat out from under the bed. The human gives up and rushes to get ready for work.

4:59 AM: After the human gets a shower and brushes its teeth. It opens the door to leave for work, when the cat runs out into the yard.

5:15 AM: The human finally catches the cat and it is very tired and upset he will be 20 minutes late for work.

5:20 AM: After being roughly thrown inside, the cat watches the human speed off. The cat then congratulates himself of a job well done and the cat sleeps for the next 3 hours.

8:30 AM: After spending 3 hours of lovely slumber the cat gets busy to work by throwing up and going to the bathroom on the carpet. The cat then amuses itself by knocking over lamps, shedding on the furniture, eating plants, and eating meat on the counter that the human forgot to put away last night.

3:00 PM: The cat is very tired after destroying the house and the cat goes to the human's bed and finds comfort under the covers.

5:00 PM: The human walks in the door coming from work and it is very upset because it got fired from work for being late.

5:05 PM: The human is very tired and falls over on the bed in exhaustion.

5:06 PM: The human tries to calm the cat down after it was just smashed by the human.

6:00 PM: The human feeds the cat and the cat forgives the human for smashing it!

9:00 PM: After feeding the cat again the human attempts to go to sleep because it has to wake up at 5:00 AM because it needs to find another job.

9:30 PM: The human goes to bed finally after watching TV with the cat. The human then decides to sleep for at least 2 and half hours.

12:00 AM: The cat gets hungry hops on to nearest human attempts to wake human up to feed the cat..................

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# Dogs and Light Bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I don't miss any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one takes advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.

Back to Animal Jokes Contents

# Gorilla on Roof

As he was quietly watching television at home, the chap heard a sound on the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering units was on the way and to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a chiwawa dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan:

"First I'll climb up there with the ladder. Then I'll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chiwawa will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo..."

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was handed the 12-gauge shotgun?

"Well," explained the experienced gorilla retriever, "It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat, shoot the dog."

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# I Feel a Flea

"Please keep your dog beside you, sir," a woman said crossly to the man sitting opposite to her on the bench at the park. "I can feel a flea in my shoe."

"Midnight, come here," replied the man. "This woman has fleas."

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# Milk Saucer

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

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# Old Man and Dog

One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks: "does your dog bite?" The old man replies "No never".

When the man bends down to stroke the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says "I thought you said your dog did'nt bite!"

"I did," replies the old man, "but this isn't my dog!"

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# Safari Poodle

An old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa and ,of course, she took along her favorite miniture poodle, "Einstein". After they arrived at the campsite and she had settled down for the night, Einstein slipped out and got himself lost.

There he was in the deepest wilds of Africa and not a clue of how to get back to the campsite. The longer he was out in the wilderness, the more frightened he became. Strange noises and smells abounded. As he was looking around, he saw a leopard stalking him and began to get really scared for his life. What could he do? And then it came to him. He picked up a near by bone and gegan to chew and lick it, and then began to speak in a loud voice so the leopard could hear him, "Boy that Leopard was a really good meal, I wonder where I could get another one." Hearing this, and the fact that the leopard had never seen a poodle before decided it best to avoid any contact with this strange little animal, and he left the area to hunt elsewhere.

A monkey saw the whole thing and took off to bargin with the leopard. "Mr Leopard," said the monkey, "if you promise not to eat me, I'll tell you a secret about that strange little animal you just ran away from!" The leopard agreed and upon hearing how Einstein had duped him became furious. "Monkey jump on my back and I'll show what I do to those that lie and deceive me." So, the monkey jumped on the leopard's back and they took off towards Einstein.

When Einstein saw the monkey and the leopard he was racked with fear. "Now what will I do?," he thought to himself. Just as the leopard got within hearing range, Einstein bellowed out "Boy am I hungry, where is that monkey anyway? It's been over an hour since I sent him out to bring me another leopard!"

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# Talking Dog

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"

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# Bar Room Jokes Contents

A Cup Of Coffee

Armless Man in a Bar

Breathalyzer

Gay Bar

Irish Bravado

Martooni

Preacher in a Bar

Thank You

Three Wise Men

Two Men at Bar

Back To Book One Contents

# A Cup Of Coffee

A Rabbit walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "I want a cup of coffee." The bartender says, "We don't serve coffee here"

So the Rabbit leaves, but when he leaves he sees two friends entering the bar so he joins them. His friends ask for a beer and sandwich but the rabbit says "I wanna cup of coffee"

The bartender says, "We don't serve coffee here!"

So the rabbit leaves again, but he sees two more friends so he joins them in the bar. His friends order a beer and a sandwich but the Rabbit still says, "I want a cup of coffee."

"Look," says the bartender "we don't serve coffee here. Now leave or I will nail your ears to the bar!"

So the rabbit leaves, but he yet again sees two more friends and enters the bar.

But this time the rabbit says, "Do you have a hammer?"

"No" replies the bartender

Do you have any nails?"

"No"

"Then I want a cup of coffee"

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# Armless Man in a Bar

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

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# Breathalyzer

Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

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# Gay Bar

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."

So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your penis?"

The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."

The guy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1," he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"

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# Irish Bravado

Walking into the bar, O'Toole said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," O'Toole replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charlie, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"I cannot tell a lie," said Charlie, "Come out from under the bed, you little shit, and take it like a man!"

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# Martooni

A lady walks into a bar and says, "Barkeep, gimme a martooni." The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, "Barkeep, gimme another martooni."

So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, "Would you like another?"

She says, "Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn."

The bartender says, "Okay, there are three things wrong here:

Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.

Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and

Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."

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# Preacher in a Bar

A preacher goes into a bar and says, "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."

Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.

The preacher says, "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"

The drunk says, "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

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# Thank You

A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama's victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss, so he once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

So just to make his point one more time, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. But, as before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

Frustrated, the union boss asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

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# Three Wise Men

A new comer walks into a bar down south around Christmastime; and there's a little nativity scene on the bar. And the guy says, "That's a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are wearing firemen's hats?"

And the bartender says, "Well, it says right there in the Bible.... The three wise men came from a fire."

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# Two Men at Bar

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?"

The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."

"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"

"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?"

"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. I graduated in '66, too. Where'd you go to college?"

"Beloit, in Wisconsin." "No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"

"Kevin Sullivan dorm."

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"

Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."

A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?"

Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

Back to Bar Room Jokes Contents

# Blonde Jokes Contents

51 Days

Blonde Cookbook

Blonde and Lawyer

Car Wreck

First Class

Horseback Ride

Killer Jigsaw Puzzle

Minus Six Percent

Peel and Win

Rowe vs Wade

Back To Book One Contents

# 51 Days

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.

The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

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# Blonde Cookbook

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

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# Blonde and the Lawyer

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on an airplane. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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# Car Wreck

There was a blonde and she bought a brand new Convertible Porsche. She was driving along and she hit a guy's diesel.

The man got out burning with anger. He pulled the blonde out of the car got a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the road and put the blonde in the circle and told her to stay in that circle.

Then he got back in his diesel and ran over the blonde's new Porsche several times. Then when he got back he saw that the blonde was laughing. He asked: "why are you laughing? I just ran over your car". The blonde said, "I got out of the circle 3 times".

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# First Class

A Blonde sitting on first class. The flight attendant takes her ticket and says, "This is a ticket for coach, not for first class."

The Blonde replied, "I'm Blonde, I'm Beautiful and I'm going to Chicago." Then the pilot came out and asked what was going on here and the flight attendant told the pilot the situation. So the pilot went over and whispered something in the Blonde's ear and she hurried back to coach.

The flight attendant then asked, "What did you tell her?" The pilot replied, "I just told her that first class wasn't going to Chicago."

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# Horseback Ride

A blonde named Cindy decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no prior lessons or experience.

Cindy mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Cindy begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, Cindy grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly uneffected by its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunatley, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. Her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when......... the supermarket manager runs out and shuts the horse off.

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# Killer Jigsaw Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed..., "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Back To Blonde Jokes Contents

# Minus Six Percent

"I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent discount for cash." the salesman said.

The blonde lady customer, not able to figure the calculation, said she would think about the deal and return the next day.

That evening, she asked her room mate, "If you were offered nine hundred dollars minus six percent, how much would you take off?" She replied, "Everything but my earrings!"

Back To Blonde Jokes Contents

# Peel and Win

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "Peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "Call the manager, I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a Prize!"

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads.

(You're gonna love this)

(You Ready?)

"W I N A B A G E L "

Back To Blonde Jokes Contents

# Rowe VS Wade

A blonde in her fourth freshman year at UCLA, sat in her U.S. Government Class, when the professor asked her if she knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was.

She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said, "I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware!"

Back To Blonde Jokes Contents

# Doctor Jokes Contents

A Big Glass of Water

An Exam

Autopsy

Castles in the Air

Cowboy Midget

Dr`s Appointment

Gynecologist

Hospital

Little Known Human Facts

Mental Health Care

Senility

Ten Fingers

The Skip Diet

Umbrella

Was He Dead?

Back To Book One Contents

# A Big Glass of Water

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says:

"Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers: "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Back to Doctor Jokes Contents

# An Exam

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

Back to Doctor Jokes Contents

# Autopsy

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class: "There are two things you need to succeed in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus, pulled it out, and then licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

"Second," the professor continued, "You must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this corpse's anus, but licked my index finger?"

Back to Doctor Jokes Contents

# Castles in the Air

A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air.

A psychotic is the person who lives in it.

And a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

Back to Doctor Jokes Contents

# Cowboy Midget

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

Back to Doctor Jokes Contents

# Dr's Appointment

Peter called his doctor's office for an appointment.

He was given an appointment two months from today.

"But I could be dead by then!"

"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment."

Back to Doctor Jokes Contents

# The Gynecologist

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

Back to Doctor Jokes Contents

# Hospital

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital . . . .

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . ."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . . that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me sh*t!

Back to Doctor Jokes Contents

# Little Known Human Facts

This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why we are designed the way we are!

Scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream.

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

You use 200 muscles to take one step.

The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single Cell.

There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born

When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test...now remove your thumb from your nose. Yeah, I know you did it, so did I.

Back to Doctor Jokes Contents

# Mental Health Care

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

This is why I'm contacting you....Well, my job is done!

Back to Doctor Jokes Contents

# Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

Back to Doctor Jokes Contents

# Ten Fingers

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten off his fingers.

He vent to da emergency room at da Clinic and vhen he got dere da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's haf da fingers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I hafn't got da fingers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafn't got da fingers?" the doctor cried. "Yumpin' yiminy! It's 2005! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds off incredible techniques. I could haf put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you bring da fingers?"

To vhich Ole replied...

(Are you ready for dis???)

"How da heck was I suppose to pick'em up?"

Back to Doctor Jokes Contents

# The Skip Diet

An Antartian is terribly overweight, so his doctor puts him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks," the doctor ordered. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the Antartian returns, he's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!," the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Antartian nods, "Yep, but I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" the doc questioned.

"No, from skipping."

Back to Doctor Jokes Contents

# Umbrella

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Back to Doctor Jokes Contents

# Was He Dead?

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

The doctor said, "Well,   let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

Back to Doctor Jokes Contents

# Farmer Jokes Contents

A Big Ol Kiss

City Slicker starts Farming

Farmer Dials 911

Free Advice

Old Butch

Sleep In The Barn

Standing

Texan and Mainer

Thirty Times

Turkey and The Bull

Back To Book One Contents

# A Big Ol Kiss

A farmer and his wife had just woken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"

"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.

"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"

The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."

Back to Farmer Jokes Contents

# City Slicker starts Farming

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to start farming. He goes to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well."

"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

Back to Farmer Jokes Contents

# Farmer Dials 911

A farmer is awakened by his smoke-alarm. He manages to get to the phone and dials 911.

He reports the fire and gives his address. The voice at the other end says "We'll get there as soon as we can. What's the best way to get to your house?"

The agitated farmer says, "Don't you guys still have those big red trucks?"

Back to Farmer Jokes Contents

# Free Advice

A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. "I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?"

The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."

Back to Farmer Jokes Contents

# Old Butch

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair.

Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a master Politician. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Back to Farmer Jokes Contents

# Sleep In The Barn

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Lawyer are driving through farm land when their car breaks down.

They go to the nearest farm house and the farmer tells them that they can stay till morning but there is only room for two in the house, and one of them will have to stay in the barn.

The Hindu says " I'll sleep in the barn." and they all start to settle in for the night.

A little later on there is a knock on the door . It's the Hindu, and he complains that there is a cow in the barn, and in his land cows are holy, and it makes him uncomfortable to sleep there... So the Rabbi decides to sleep in the barn.

A little while later the rabbi is back complaining that there is a pig in the barn, and they aren't kosher, and he just can't sleep near it...So the Lawyer goes out to sleep in the barn.

A little while later there's a knock on the door,,,

It's the pig and the cow.

Back to Farmer Jokes Contents

# Standing

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass just standing there, doing nothing. Being the curious type, he pulls the car over to the side of the road. The farmer just keeps on standing there.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .. to people who are out standing in their field."

Back to Farmer Jokes Contents

# Texan and Mainer

This Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?"

Mainer: "'Bout 10 acres I'd say."

Texan (boasting): "Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!"

Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."

Back to Farmer Jokes Contents

# Thirty Times

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto the pasture, she saw that the family's only goat was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to sexually satisfy her husband and three sons now that the goat was dead. In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the goat, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead, and the goat, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the goat to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead goat in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, especially with his goat gone, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health, along with your goat." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the goat?"

Back to Farmer Jokes Contents

# Turkey and The Bull

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Back to Farmer Jokes Contents

# Golf Jokes Contents

A Confession

Awful Language

Dedicated Husband

First Golf Lesson

Golf Realities

Golfing with Wife

Lady Golfer

Make Up Gift

Only Problem with Golf

Right Arm

Back To Book One Contents

# A Confession

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship."

"What is it?," his new bride asked lovingly.

"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker."

"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."

Back to Golf Jokes Contents

# Awful Language

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?," asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?," asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?," asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?," asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "YOU MISSED THE F***ing PUTT, DIDN'T YOU?"

Back to Golf Jokes Contents

# Dedicated Husband

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Back to Golf Jokes Contents

# First Golf Lesson

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-U-T-T is correct," he replied.

"PUT means to place a thing where you want it. PUTT means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Back to Golf Jokes Contents

# Golf Realities

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn?

It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

Back to Golf Jokes Contents

# Golfing with Wife

A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par."

Back to Golf Jokes Contents

# Lady Golfer

Lawyers in an Edson law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then, one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day, she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other . They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and, happily, invited her back the next week.

She smiled, and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week, they all had their game faces on. But this week, she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable, because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing, since she narrowly beat all three of them.

However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous . I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then, when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Back to Golf Jokes Contents

# Make Up Gift

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.

The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.

"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."

"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."

Back to Golf Jokes Contents

# The only problem with golf is ........

... that the slow people are always in front of you

... and the fast people always end up behind you.

Back to Golf Jokes Contents

# Right Arm

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news, says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh god no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great." said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "My handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects."

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache!"

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# Heaven or Hell Jokes Contents

30 Days Later

Before You Meet God

Christian One Liners

Drive Thru Confessional

For Those 4 Weeks

Harley

Honk If You Love Jesus

Life Begins

New Priest in Town

Priest Goes Thru Customs

Back To Book One Contents

# 30 Days Later

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

John replied, "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

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# Before You Meet God

A man died and St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago," came the reply.

Back to Heaven or Hell Joke Contents

# Christain One Liners

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet spirited until you try to sit in "their" pew.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach 10 sermons than to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes came close.

When you get to your wit's end, you will find God lives there.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; If it was made up of perfect people, you couldn't belong.

If you don't want to go to church because of the hippocrits, try it, you might feel right at home.

The phrase to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."

If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

To make a long story short, don't tell it.

If your left hand doesn't know what your righthand is doing. You should consider running for a job in Washington, DC.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

I don't know why some people change churches: What difference does it make which one you stay home from.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

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# Drive Thru Confessional

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that.

But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell," cannot stay on the church roof.

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# For Those 4 Weeks

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die some day," the leader of the discussion said, "and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.

"What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, before your Great Judgment Day?," the leader asked the group.

"For those 4 weeks, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted Jesus into their lives.," one gentleman said.

"A very admirable thing to do," said the group leader. And all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

"For those 4 weeks, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction," one lady said enthusiastically.

"That's wonderful!," the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly, "For those 4 weeks, I would travel throughout the United States with my mother-in-law in a Ford Escort, and stay in a Motel 6 every night."

Everyone was puzzled by his answer. "Why would you do that?," the group leader asked.

"Because," the man smiled sarcastically, "it would be the longest 4 weeks of my life."

Back to Heaven or Hell Joke Contents

# Harley

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key words And waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Back to Heaven or Hell Joke Contents

# Honk If You Love Jesus

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

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# Life Begins

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."

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# New Priest in Town

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.

One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's . There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

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# Priest Goes Thru Customs

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Back to Heaven or Hell Joke Contents

# Inspirational Items Contents

$20 Bill

An American

Brenda and Kurtis

GOD`S CAKE

Laus Deo

Meteor Crater

Perfect Marriage

Stress Is

The Donkey Story

The Shoes

Back To Book One Contents

# $20 Bill

A well known speaker started off a seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up.

He then asked, "Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.

"Well, he replied, what if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. Sometimes we might feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value: dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't EVER forget it."

Back to Inspirational Contents

# An American

You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in an newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American. So an Australian dentist wrote the following to let everyone know what an American is, so they would know when they found one.

An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, or one of the many other tribes known as Native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each man and woman to the pursuit of happiness. An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need.

When Afghanistan was overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country. As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.

Americans welcome the best, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes. But they also welcome the least. The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, earning a better life for their families.

I've been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists. So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every blood thirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself.

Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

Back to Inspirational Contents

# Brenda and Kurtis

In a supermarket, Kurtis the sContentsk boy, was busily working when a new voice came over the loud speaker asking for a carry out at register 4. Kurtis was almost finished, and wanted to get some fresh air, and decided to answer the call. As he approached the check-out stand a distant smile caught his eye, the new check-out girl was beautiful. She was an older woman (maybe 26, and he was only 22) and he fell in love.

Later that day, after his shift was over, he waited by the punch clock to find out her name. She came into the break room, smiled softly at him, took her card and punched out, then left. He looked at her card, BRENDA. He walked out only to see her start walking up the road. Next day, he waited outside as she left the supermarket, and offered her a ride home. He looked harmless enough, and she accepted. When he dropped her off, he asked if maybe he could see her again, outside of work. She simply said it wasn't possible.

He pressed and she explained she had two children and she couldn't afford a baby-sitter, so he offered to pay for the baby-sitter. Reluctantly she accepted his offer for a date for the following Saturday. That Saturday night he arrived at her door only to have her tell him that she was unable to go with him. The baby-sitter had called and canceled. To which Kurtis simply said, "Well, let's take the kids with us."

She tried to explain that taking the children was not an option, but again not taking no for an answer, he pressed. Finally Brenda, brought him inside to meet her children. She had an older daughter who was just as cute as a bug, Kurtis thought, then Brenda brought out her son, in a wheelchair. He was born a paraplegic with Down's Syndrome.

Kurtis asked Brenda, "I still don't understand why the kids can't come with us?" Brenda was amazed. Most men would run away from a woman with two kids, especially if one had disabilities - just like her first husband and father of her children had done. Kurtis was not ordinary - - - he had a different mindset.

That evening Kurtis and Brenda loaded up the kids, went to dinner and the movies. When her son needed anything Kurtis would take care of him. When he needed to use the restroom, he picked him up out of his wheelchair, took him and brought him back. The kids loved Kurtis. At the end of the evening, Brenda knew this was the man she was going to marry and spend the rest of her life with.

A year later, they were married and Kurtis adopted both of her children.

Since then they have added two more kids.

So what happened to Kurtis the sContentsk boy and Brenda the check-out girl? Well, Mr. & Mrs. Kurt Warner now live in Arizona , where he is currently employed as the quarterback of the National Football League Arizona Cardinals.

His Cardinals were in Super Bowl XLIII. It should be noted that he also quarterbacked the Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI. He has also been the NLF's Most Valuable Player twice and the Super Bowl XXXVI Most Valuable Player. He also received the 2008 Walter Payton Man of The Year Award

Is this a surprise ending or could you have guessed that he was not an ordinary person.

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# GOD'S CAKE

Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why did God have to do this to me?" Here is a wonderful explanation!

A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."

"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers. "Yuck" says her daughter.

"How about a couple raw eggs?"

"Gross, Mom!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!"

To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart."

I hope your day is a "piece of cake!" Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

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# Laus Deo

A little history lesson you may enjoy.

One detail that is not mentioned in Washington, DC is that there can never be a building of greater height than the Washington Monument.

With all the uproar about removing the ten commandments, etc... This is worth a moment or two of your time.

On the aluminum cap, atop the Washington Monument in Washington, DC are displayed two words: Laus Deo. No one can see these words. In fact, most visitors to the monument are totally unaware that they are even there, and for that matter, probably couldn't care less.

But these words have been there for many years; they are 555 feet 5.125 inches high perched atop the monument, facing skyward to the Father of our nation, overlooking the 69 square miles which comprise the District of Columbia, capital of the United States of America.

Laus Deo! Two seemingly insignificant, un-noticed words. Out of sight and, one might think, out of mind, but very meaningfully placed at the highest point over what is the most powerful city in the most successful nation in the world.

So, what do those two words, in Latin, composed of just four syllables and only seven letters, possibly mean? Very simply, they say: "Praise be to God!"

Though construction of this giant obelisk began in 1848, when James Polk was President of the United States, it was not until 1888 that the monument was inaugurated and opened to the public. It took twenty five years to finally cap the memorial with a tribute to the Father of our nation: Laus Deo.. Praise be to God!"

From atop this magnificent granite and marble structure, visitors may take in the beautiful panoramic view of the city with its division into four major segments. From that vantage point, one can also easily see the original plan of the designer, Pierre Charles l'Enfant...a perfect cross imposed upon the landscape, with the White House to the north. The Jefferson Memorial is to the south, the Capitol to the east, and the Lincoln Memorial to the west.

A cross you ask? Why a cross? What about separation of church and state? Yes, a cross; separation of church and state was not, and is not, in the Constitution. How interesting, and no doubt, intended to carry a profound meaning for those who bother to notice.

Praise be to God! Within the monument itself are 898 steps and 50 landings. As one climbs the steps and pauses at the landings, the memorial stones share a message. On the 12th landing is a prayer offered by the City of Baltimore; on the 20th is a memorial presented by some Chinese Christians; on the 24th is a presentation made by Sunday School children from New York and Philadelphia quoting Proverbs 10:7, Luke 18:16, and Proverbs 22:6. Praise be to God!

When the cornerstone of the Washington Monument was laid on July 4th, 1848, deposited within it were many items, including a Holy Bible presented by the Bible Society. Praise be to God! Such was the discipline, the moral direction, and the spiritual mood given by the founders and first President of our unique democracy ..."One Nation, Under God."

The following is Washington's prayer for America:

"Almighty God. We make our earnest prayer that Thou wilt keep the United States in Thy holy protection; that Thou wilt incline the hearts of the citizens to cultivate a spirit of subordination and obedience to government; and entertain a brotherly affection and love for one another and for their fellow citizens of the United States at large. And finally, that Thou wilt most graciously be pleased to dispose us all to do justice, to love mercy, and to demean ourselves with that charity, humility, and pacific temper of mind which were the characteristics of the Divine Author of our blessed religion, and without a humble imitation of whose example in these things we can never hope to be a happy nation. Grant our supplication, we beseech Thee, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."

Laus Deo!

When one stops to observe the inscriptions found in public places all over our nation's capitol, he or she will easily find the signature of God, as it is unmistakably inscribed everywhere you look. You may forget the width and height of "Laus Deo," its location, or the architects, but no one who reads this will be able to forget its meaning, or these words: "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain." (Psalm 127:1)

May God bless you and yours! Laus Deo!

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# Meteor Crater

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

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# Perfect Marriage

A perfect marriage isn't one that's problem-free,

it's one that manages and solves problems wisely.

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# Stress Is

Stress is to refuse to accept circumstances in your life for which you have no control.

Stress is measured by the amount of energy that you invest resisting those circumstances.

Stress is to waste energy by attempting with your thoughts and feelings to change a person, an event, or a circumstance surrounding you.

The trick to avoid stress is to realize that no amount of effort can ever change the circumstances while they are happening to you, no matter how bad. Do not oppose the moment, instead, be open to accept what is occurring.

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# The Donkey Story

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

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# The Shoes

My alarm went off...

It was Sunday again.

I was sleepy and tired,

My one day to sleep in.

But the guilt I would feel

So I'd go and I'd pray.

I got there and sat

In a pew just in time.

Bowing my head in prayer

As I closed my eyes,

I saw the shoe of the man next to me

Touching my own. I sighed.

With plenty of room on either side,

I thought, "Why must our soles touch?"

It bothered me, his shoe touching mine,

But it didn't bother him much.

A prayer began: "Our Father"

I thought, "This man with the shoes has no pride.

They're dusty, worn, and scratched

Even worse, there are holes on the side!"

Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on.

The shoe man said a quiet "Amen."

I tried to focus on the prayer,

But my thoughts were on his shoes again.

Aren't we supposed to look our best

When walking through that door?

Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought,

Glancing toward the floor.

Then the prayer was ended

And the songs of praise began.

The shoe man was certainly loud,

Sounding proud as he sang.

His voice lifted the rafters,

His hands were raised high,

The Lord could surely hear

The shoe man's voice from the sky.

It was time for the offering

And what I threw in was steep.

I watched as the shoe man reached

Into his pockets so deep.

I saw what was pulled out,

What the shoe man put in,

Then I heard a soft "clink"

As when silver hits tin...

The sermon really bored me

To tears, and that's no lie

It was the same for the shoe man,

For tears fell from his eyes.

At the end of the service,

As is the custom here,

We must greet new visitors

And show them all good cheer.

But I felt moved somehow

And wanted to meet shoe man

So after the closing prayer,

I reached over and shook his hand.

He was old and his skin was dark,

And his hair was truly a mess

But I thanked him for coming,

For being our guest.

He said, "My names' Charlie,

I'm glad to meet you, my friend."

There were tears in his eyes

But he had a large, wide grin

Let me explain," he said

Wiping tears from his eyes.

I've been coming here for months,

And you're the first to say 'Hi.' "

I know that my appearance

Is not like all the rest,

But I really do try

To always look my best."

I always clean and polish my shoes

Before my very long walk

But by the time I get here,

They're dirty and dusty, like chalk."

My heart filled with pain and

I swallowed to hide my tears

As he continued to apologize

For daring to sit so near.

He said, "When I get here,

I know I must look a sight.

But I thought if I could touch you,

Then maybe our souls might unite."

I was silent for a moment

Knowing whatever was said

Would pale in comparison.

I spoke from my heart, not my head

Oh, you've touched me," I said,

And taught me, in part,

That the best of any man

Is what is found in his heart."

The rest, I thought,

This shoe man will never know. .

Like just how thankful I really am

That his dirty old shoe touched my soul...

You might be best friends one year,

pretty good friends the next year,

don't talk that often the next year,

don't want to talk at all the year after that.

So, I just wanted to say,

even if I never talk to you again in my life,

you are special to me and

you have made a difference in my life.

I respect you, and truly cherish you.

May you always have LOVE to share,

HEALTH to spare and FRIENDS that care.

Back to Inspirational Contents

# Little Johnny Jokes Contents

A Drink of Water

Army Guys

Can`t Reach the Doorbell

Condoms

Dark In Here

Expected Baby

Grammar Lesson

Kids In Church

Making Faces

Neighborhood Activities

One Mineral

Red Face

Stupid

The Worm

What Part Did You Get

Back To Book One Contents

# A Drink of Water

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad....."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Back to Johnny Jokes Content

# Army Guys

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

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# Can't Reach the Doorbell

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.

The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"

The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

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# Condoms

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil- covered chocolate candy coins).

There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.

The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?"

The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."

To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"

With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."

And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!"

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# Dark In Here

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750.."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that !!!! again."

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# Expected Baby

For weeks, a five-year-old child kept telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or brother that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the child to feel the movements of the unborn baby. The five-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about the awaiting event.

Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap and said, "Lucas, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Lucas burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

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# Grammar Lesson

During an eighth grade grammar lesson, Mrs. O'Neill said, "Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object."

Paul replied, "Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school."

"Thank you, Paul," responded Mrs. O'Neill, "but what is the object?"

"To get the best mark possible," said Paul.

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# Kids In Church

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot."

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."

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# Making Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

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# Neighborhood Activities

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

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# One Mineral

A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be?

One boy said, "I would choose gold. Its worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette."

Another boy said " I would want platinum because its worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher said, "Johnny, What would you want?

Johnny said "I would want silicone."

"Why would you want silicone?" Asked the teacher.

"Well my sister's got some" , he replied. "And there's always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway."

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# Red Face

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

Little Johnny shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

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# Stupid

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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# The Worm

A little boy was playing with a worm one day at his grandpa's house. Grandpa jokingly tells the young boy that he'll give him ten dollars if he can stick the worm back into the worm hole. After a few minutes of trying the boy leaves then returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays it all over the worm and when the worms becomes stiff he pokes it back down in the hole.

A few days later the boy is at his grandpa's house again when grandpa wheels out a shiny new bike and gives it to his grandson along with ten dollars.

The boy says, "but grandpa you only promised me ten dollars."

The grandpa replies, "I know....... the bike is from your grandmother."

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# What Part Did You Get

This one little boy in the 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him and asks what part did you get?

He replied, "I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years."

His father congratulated him. "That's good son, maybe next time you'll get a talking role!"

Back to Johnny Jokes Content

# Man to Man Jokes Contents

3000 Year Old Mummy

Albert Einstein`s Chauffeur

Being a Lawyer

Bubba`s Chain Saw

Can`t Marry Her

Cook Book

Death Row

Fantastic Memory

Free Fall

Ghost Car

Holding Tank

Irish Gas Station Attendent

Lawyer Re Ethics

Meet Parents

Mr Williams of Main

Old Man

Parrot

Prisoners of War

Sausage Factory

Smartest Man in The World

Back To Book One Contents

# 3000 Year Old Mummy

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Simple...there was a piece of paper in his hand that said - put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

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# Albert Einstein's Chauffeur

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

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# Being a Lawyer

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

He said, "Why, yes I am!"

So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

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# Bubba's Chain Saw

Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chain saw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, Bubba barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of 1 ½ cords of wood.

Bubba returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation.

"Well," said the salesman, "let's see what's the matter." He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action.

Leaping back, Bubba shouted, "What the heck is that noise?"

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# Can't Marry Her

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid!

He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

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# Cook Book

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?," asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – Take a clean dish."

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# Death Row

There was a German, an Italian and a Missouri Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot.

2. To be hung.

3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! he was dead.

The Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"

The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'M WEARING A CONDOM!"

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# Fantastic Memory

It was rumored that a particular Native American, Chief Brainiac, had a fantastic memory. Hundreds of people asked Chief Brainiac questions which he was able to answer. A skeptical young man set out to find this Native American.

When he did find Chief Brainiac he thought he'd set a test. After standing in a long queue of people asking questions it was finally his turn. He asked Chief Brainiac what he had had for breakfast 10 years ago. Chief Brainiac replied: "eggs". The young man went off not entirely satisfied because there was no evidence to prove that the answer was correct.

Ten years later the man comes across Chief Brainiac again. Very pleased to see him he greets him with the traditional "How". The Chief Brainiac looks up at him, pauses for a moment and then replies: "Scrambled".

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# Free Fall

A skydiver is enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute, he pulls the ripcord, but nothing happens. "No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. "What am I going to do?" He thinks. "I'm a goner."

Just then, he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from or what he's doing, but he says to himself, "I hope he can help me. If he can't, then I'm in real trouble." When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"

The man coming up cups his hands and yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

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# Ghost Car

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride really bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quivering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin' it to the gas station!!"

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# Holding Tank

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

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# Irish Gas Station Attendent

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what wouldya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary, an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything!"

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# Lawyer Re Ethics

A laywer is speaking to his son about ethics.

"Suppose son, that one day a gentleman comes into my office with a simple question. Upon answering the man's question, I charge him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a simple question but agrees to pay. The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand. Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me two $100.00 bills.

Now the ethical question: Do I share that money with my partner?"

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# Meet Parents

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like!"

"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who's just like your mother."

"I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

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# Mr Williams of Main

A humble little man in a restaurant shyly touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. "Excuse me," he said, "but do you happen to be Mr. Williams of Main?"

"No, I'm not!" the man answered with annoyance.

"Oh...er...well," stuttered the little man, "you see, I am, and that's his overcoat you're putting on."

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# Old Man

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first biker walked up to the old man, put out his cigarette in the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second biker walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third biker walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

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# Parrot

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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# Prisoners of War

by Jonas Butzman

After WWII the American military courts had found three enemy soldiers, a Japanese, a German, and an Italian, guilty of war crimes and set about to punish them.

The American GI explained that the punishment was to be 50 lashes to each soldiers back and it was the custom to allow a prisoner one wish before doling out the punishment. A French soldier was to assist the American.

It was decided that the Japanese soldier would be first. "What's your wish?" asked the GI. "I want a large, thick pillow strapped to my back." replied the Japanese soldier. His wish was granted and the lashing proceeded. After 10-12 lashes the pillow was torn to shreds and then there was much yelling and screaming. After the lashing was completed, he was dragged off into another room. The Frenchman taunted and criticized the Japanese soldier the entire time.

The German was next. "What's your wish?" asked the GI. "I want two pillows strapped to my back!" replied the German. His wish was granted and the lashing proceeded. After 10-12 lashes the first pillow was torn to shreds, after another 10-12 lashes the second pillow was also of no further protection and then there was much yelling and screaming. After the lashing was completed, he was dragged off into another room. Again, the Frenchman taunted and criticized the German soldier the entire time.

The GI explained to the remaining Italian soldier that it was the custom to grant two wishes to the last person. The Frenchmen blurted out, "Surely the Dagos are smarter than the Krouts and Japs!! All of you are so dumb it's no wonder that France won the war!!" the Frenchman continued.

After thinking about it for a while, the Italian said "For my first wish, I want 100 lashes." "100 lashes??" replied the GI. "Yes! and make them really sting. And for my second wish, strap that Frenchman to my back!!"

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# Sausage Factory

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, you call her mom."

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# Smartest Man in The World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

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# Man vs Woman Jokes Contents

100th Birthday

A Few Drinks

A Simple Question

Amish Lady

Apples and Wine

Axioms

Been Unfaithful

Bobbitt Family Update

Chinese Wedding Night

Credit Card

Cyclone

Deer Hunter

Ex Girlfriend

Fireman`s Bell

Fooling Around

Girls Night Out

Great to be a woman

Half Fare Special

Her and His Diary

How Old Are You

Back To Book One Contents

# 100th Birthday

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

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# A Few Drinks

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.

Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

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# A Simple Question

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

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# Amish Lady

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."

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# Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the #%*# out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

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# Axioms

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going to burn your ass.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't need them again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Be careful...a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!

How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!

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# Been Unfaithful

After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, "Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?"

"Not even once!," exclaimed Ole. "Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?"

"Well, er, yes - but only three times," she admitted somewhat embarrassed.

"Hmmm, three times?," questioned Ole. "That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?"

"Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?," asked Lena. "That was the first time."

"And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?," she asked. "That was the second time."

"OK, Lena, when was the third time?," queried Ole.

"The third time was," Lena paused. "Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?"

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# Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ...

A Misdewiener!

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# Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple get married.

She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten."

"I pomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss anyting you wan, You juss ask. Whatchu wan?," he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, "You really wanting Garric Chicken with Corrifrowa?"

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# Credit Card

A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, "Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright."

"Yes," replied the man. "My card was stolen over a month ago."

"Why didn't you report your card as stolen?," asked the card company representative.

The man replied, "Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!"

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# Cyclone

One day, there's a man and his wife driving along a road. Suddenly out of nowhere, a freak cyclone sweeps through, overturning the car and ripping off both the man and woman's clothes.

The Cyclone passes as quickly as it came, and the man finds himself trapped underneath the overturned car. He shouts at his wife to get help, who responds by telling him that she is wearing no clothes. "Put my shoes over your crotch!," he shouts, "and go and get me help".

She obliges, putting his shoes over her crotch, and flags down the next passing car. The driver gets out. "Help, help, it's my husband!," shouts the woman. To which the driver says, "Well if he's that far up, he's got no chance!"

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# Deer Hunter

A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information:

Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!

So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air:

"Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?"

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# Ex Girlfriend

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!," says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

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# Fireman's Bell

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!," the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!," they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled, "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?," asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

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# Fooling Around

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time".

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# Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you' "

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# Reason's why it's great to be a woman

Free drinks.

Free dinners.

Free movies.

Speeding ticket? What's that?

New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.

If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.

You can sleep your way to the top.

You can sue the President for sexual harassment.

It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.

Brad Pitt.

No one passes out when you take off your shoes.

Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.

If you forget to shave, no one has to know.

If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

You have the ability to dress yourself.

If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.

You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.

You can quickly end any fight by crying.

Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.

There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.

You've never had a goatee.

You'll never regret piercing your ears.

You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

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# Half Fare Special

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

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# Her and His Diary

Her Diary

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing.". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later, he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary

Iowa lost today, but at least I got laid.

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# How Old Are You

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

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# Misc Jokes Contents

15 Things

6 Truths Of Life

A Room For The Night

Airplane Jokes

Bad Neighbors

Benevelent Banker

Blood Lines

Bumper Stickers You Would Like to See

Carlin`s Rules for 2007

Class Reunion

Concerned Patient

Dear Abby At A Loss

Disaster Northern Plains Style

Dumb Quotes

Family Tree

Fly is Open

Gallery Sale

Globalization

Guess

Hollywood Squares

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#  15 Things

we wouldn't know if it wasn't for the movies

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home,

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphaous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If someone says, "I'll be right back," they won't.

Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

And last but not least.....

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

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# 6 Truths Of Life

You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

And discover that the first truth is a lie.

You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

You soon will forward this to another idiot.

There's still a stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this.

I'm an idiot too and I needed company ...

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# A Room For The Night

Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod -- one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."

The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

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# Airplane Jokes

1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments."

3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

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# Bad Neighbors

Bad Neighbors... for Our Friends in the UK...

You have probably heard that a new council house tax-evaluation policy proposes to charge us more if we live in a nice area. So surely that ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas?

Well – there is a huge council house on our street and...

The extended, dysfunctional family is headed by a fierce-looking old lady with a pack of yapping dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate but the police still do nothing.

Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for his racist comments.

A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army, but are regularly seen partying in expensive nightclubs.

Simply, they are costing us a fortune and they are out of control!

... I hate living near Windsor Castle.

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# Benevelent Banker

One afternoon an investment banker was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the banker said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the banker replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the banker answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the banker and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The banker replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

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# Blood Lines

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

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# Bumper Stickers You Would Like to See

Impotence... Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have any film.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life... but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys... just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

If you can read this... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander... It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!

Welcome to America... now speak English!

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# Carlin's Rules for 2007

New Rule #1:

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2:

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule #3:

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule #4:

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule #5:

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #6:

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #7:

Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #8:

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule # 9:

I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule #10:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule #11:

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule #12:

I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule #13:

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule #14:

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule #15:

And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule #16:

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months. He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule # 17:

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

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# Class Reunion

I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would. I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24-hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body.

The last many years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger. I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday. Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door. I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back.." Bodies never have pockets where you need them.

Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled, and I got the formal all the way up to my knees...before the zipper gave out.

I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver platform sandals again and dance the night away. Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair, no way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B: the black velvet caftan.

I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at the drug store: the scented shower gel, the body building and highlighting shampoo and conditioner, and the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.

Then the makeup -- the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the all-day face-lifting, gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle!" The all day "kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off" lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow... But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.

OK - time to get ready... I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed, and scoured my body to a tingling pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting, "your face will look like a baby's butt" face cream. I set my hair on the hot rollers.

I felt wonderful, ready to take on the world --- or in this instance, my underwear. With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra.

I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled, and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead, but I was done. And it didn't look bad.

So I rested. A well deserved rest, too. The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper butt?"

Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my butt cheeks to my knees. But, I was firm!

Oh no...I had to go to the bathroom! And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind.

I quickly side-stepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle. I was ready for the bra and remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn -- straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups."

Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down...but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy. I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally on the 4th swing, pause and lift, I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for an examination, back straight, slightly arched. I smiled, "YES, HOUSTON WE HAVE LIFT UP!" My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage!

I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin-rest and I couldn't see my feet. I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh.....why did I buy heels with buckles?

Then I had to pee again.

I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the reunion.

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# Concerned Patient

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask , "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s \- b a c k ?"

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#  Dear Abby Admitted She Was At

A Loss To Answer The Following!

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the sex, nudity, fowl language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

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# Disaster Northern Plains Style

North Dakota News

This text is from a county emergency manager out in the western part of North Dakota state after the recent snow storm.

WEATHER BULLETIN

Up here in the Northern Plains we just recovered from a historic event - may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions" - with a historic blizzard of up to 44" of snow and winds to 90 MPH that broke trees in half, knocked down utility poles, stranded hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed ALL roads, isolated scores of communities and cut power to ten's of thousands.

FYI:

George Bush did not come....

FEMA did nothing....

No one howled for the government...

No one blamed the government

No one even uttered an expletive on TV...

Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton did not visit.

Our mayors did not blame Bush or anyone else.

Our governor did not blame Bush or anyone else either.

CNN, ABC, CBS, FOX, or NBC did not visit - or report on this category 5 snow storm.

Nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards.....

No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House....

No one looted....

Nobody - I mean Nobody demanded the government do something

Nobody expected the government to do anything either

No Larry King, no Bill O'Reilly, no Oprah, no Chris Mathews, and no Geraldo Rivera

No Shaun Penn, no Barbara Striesand, no Hollywood types to be found

Nope, we just melted the snow for water

Sent out caravans of SUV's to pluck people out of snow-engulfed cars

The truck drivers pulled people out of snow banks and didn't ask for a penny

Local restaurants made food and the police and fire departments delivered it to the snow-bound families

Families took in the stranded people - total strangers

We Fired up wood stoves broke out coal oil lanterns or Coleman lanterns

We put on an extra layers of clothes because up here it is "Work or Die"

We did not wait for some affirmative action government to get us out of a mess created by being immobilized by a welfare program that trades votes for 'sitting at home' checks.

Even though a Category "5" blizzard of this scale has never fallen this early...we know it can happen and how to deal with it ourselves.

In my many travels, I have noticed that once one gets north of about 48 degrees North Latitude, 90% of most of the world's social problems evaporate.

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# Dumb Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever"

~~ Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ~~

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

~~ Mariah Carey ~~

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

~~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign. ~~

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

~~ Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ~~

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

~~ Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. ~~

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

~~ Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. ~~

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

~~ A congressional candidate in Texas. ~~

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

~~ Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager ~~

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

~~ Al Gore, Vice President ~~

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

~~ Dan Quayle ~~

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"

~~ George Bush, US President ~~

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

~~ Lee Iacocca ~~

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."

~~ Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. ~~

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

~~ Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. ~~

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

~~ Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. ~~

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

~~ Bill Clinton, President ~~

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

~~ Al Gore, Vice President ~~

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

~~ Keppel Enderbery ~~

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

~~ Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina ~~

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

~~ Mark S Fowler, FCC Chairman ~~

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# Family Tree

Visiting a genealogist, a man asked how much it would cost to have his family tree traced.

"It could cost thousands of dollars," said the woman.

"I see. Well, isn't there an easier way? A less expensive way?"

"Sure," she replied. "Run for president."

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# Fly is Open

A man comes up to the cashier and she notices that his fly was open. She looks at him and says, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

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# Gallery Sale

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

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# Globalization

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American,

using Bill Gate's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization!

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# Guess

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

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# Hollywood Squares

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency!

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It', 'I Can Help', and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Back to Misc Jokes Contents

# Senior Citizen Jokes Contents

21 Rules for a Good Old Age

90 Year Olds

An Old Man

Buying a Car

Cognitive Reasoning Test

Elderly Couple

Get Out of The Car

Grandparents

Hereafter

Letter to God

My Generation

Old Couple Visits Doctor

Passing Gas

Poker Party

Senior Shopping Trip

Back To Book One Contents

# 21 Rules for a Good Old Age

Some of us have reached our golden years, and some of us have not. But these suggestions should be read by everyone. They have been collected from many a senior, each with his or her own piece of advice. Some you know, some may surprise you, and some will remind you of what's important. So read well, share with your loved ones, and have a great day and a great life!

It's time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don't just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard earned capital. Warning: This is also a bad time for an investment, even if it seems wonderful or fool-proof. They only bring problems and worries and this is a time for you to enjoy some peace and quiet.

Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren, and don't feel bad spending your money on yourself. You've taken care of them for many years, and you've taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter and support. The responsibility is now theirs to earn their own money.

Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It's easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, do tests even when you're feeling well. Stay informed.

Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other. The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner. One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then, enjoy it together.

Don't stress over the little things. You've already overcome so much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don't let the past drag you down and don't let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten.

Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor and remember: "A man is not old as long as he has intelligence and affection."

Be proud, both inside and out. Don't stop going to your hair salon or barber, do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist, keep your perfumes and creams well sContentsked. When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong.

Don't lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There's nothing worse than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters. You've developed your own sense of what looks good on you - keep it and be proud of it. It's part of who you are.

ALWAYS stay up-to-date. Read newspapers, watch the news. Go online and read what people are saying. Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks. You'll be surprised what old friends you'll meet. Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.

Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them of yesterday's wisdom that still applies today.

Never use the phrase: "In my time". Your time is now. As long as you're alive, you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.

Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it'll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.

Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your children or grandchildren (if you have a financial choice, that is). Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy. They need theirs and you need yours. If you've lost your partner (our deepest condolences), then find a person to move in with you and help out. Even then, do so only if you feel you really need the help or do not want to live alone.

Don't abandon your hobbies. If you don't have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer at an NGO or just collect certain items. Find something you like and spend some real time having fun with it.

Even if you don't feel like it, try to accept invitations. Baptisms, graduations, birthdays, weddings, conferences. Try to go. Get out of the house, meet people you haven't seen in a while, experience something new (or something old). But don't get upset when you're not invited. Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted. The important thing is to leave the house from time to time. Go to museums, go walk through a field. Get out there.

Be a conversationalist. Talk less and listen more. Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested. That's a great way of reducing their desire to speak with you. Listen first and answer questions, but don't go off into long stories unless asked to. Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticize too much unless you really need to. Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints. Always find some good things to say as well.

Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older. Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we're all going through. Try to minimize them in your mind. They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you. If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.

If you've been offended by someone - forgive them. If you've offended someone - apologize. Don't drag around resentment with you. It only serves to make you sad and bitter. It doesn't matter who was right. Someone once said: "Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die." Don't take that poison. Forgive, forget and move on with your life.

If you have a strong belief, savor it. But don't waste your time trying to convince others. They will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration. Live your faith and set an example. Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.

Laugh. Laugh A LOT. Laugh at everything. Remember, you are one of the lucky ones. You managed to have a life, a long one. Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life. But you did. So what's not to laugh about? Find the humor in your situation.

Take no notice of what others say about you and even less notice of what they might be thinking. They'll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you've achieved. Let them talk and don't worry. They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you've lived so far. There's still much to be written, so get busy writing and don't waste time thinking about what others might think. Now is the time to be at rest, at peace and as happy as you can be!

AND REMEMBER: "Life is too short to drink bad wine. Life is very uncertain, let's have dessert first!"

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# 90 Year Olds

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?" The old woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon.

Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle!"

Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose."

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# An Old Man

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right, buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "the balcony."

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# Buying a Car

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.

The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "We purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "Why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting".

"What are you waiting for?," asked the cop.

The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies, "We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."

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# Cognitive Reasoning Test

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.

The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?" "297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc.

The doctor says to the second lady, "It's your turn now. What is three times three?" "Friday," replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..."

Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, mam, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," she says. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how did you get that?"

"Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"

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# Elderly Couple

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

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# Get Out of The Car

This is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper Cty, SC Sheriff's Office.

An elderly Sun City lady did her shopping at Wal-Mart and, upon returning to her car, found four young men in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into; the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the Jasper County sheriff's office to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

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# Grandparents

Grandmothers are just "antique" little girls.~Author Unknown

Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.~Welsh Proverb

Never have children, only grandchildren.~Gore Vidal

When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.~Ogden Nash

Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete.~Marcy DeMaree

Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.~Author Unknown

Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.~Author Unknown

If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first.~Lois Wyse

My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.~Gene Perret

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.~Henry Youngman

Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old.~Mary H. Waldrip

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.~Proverb

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.~Gene Perret

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.~Dave Barry

Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love.~Author Unknown

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children.~Alex Haley

A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside.~Author Unknown

One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather.~Joy Hargrove

It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.~Author Unknown

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother.~G. Norman Collie

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren.~Author Unknown

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather - not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.~Wil Shriner

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

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# Hereafter

Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called "the hereafter." She said to him, "I think about it many times a day."

"Oh, really?" said the minister. "That is very wise."

"It's not a matter of wisdom," she replied. "It's when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, 'What am I here after?'"

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# Letter to God

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and it read:

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."

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# My Generation

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying, "It is impossible for your generation to understand my generation. You grew up in a totally different world. Today we have television, cable and dish, personal computers, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy......"

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior said, "You are right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?"

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# Old Couple Visits Doctor

An elderly married couple scheduled their medical examination on the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner.

After the husband's exam, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."

The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back to the man. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old nut," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

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# Passing Gas

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?"

He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid..."

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# Poker Party

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!," yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him.," says Goldberg.

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# Senior Shopping Trip

A senior couple decided to go shopping one day, and split their efforts by going separate ways. Near the end of the shopping event they decided to get together for lunch.

As the woman was on her way to the rendezvous point, she heard a traffic warning on the radio that a car was driving in the wrong direction up ahead. Knowing that her husband was near the point of the warning, she decided to call him on the cell phone.

When he answered, she explained, "I just heard on the news, someone is driving in the wrong direction on the highway!" And the husband replied, "One? There's hundreds of folks going the wrong way where I am!"

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# Surprise Ending Jokes Contents

18 Year Old Italian Girl

Baby Names

Birthday Gift

Call Girl

Crusty Old Man

Farting Can Be Hazardous To Your Health

Good Luck Mr Goorski

Horse and Chicken

I Love Mustard

Lion Tamer

Moths

No Ears

Potato Garden

Sale Day

Smoking Dope

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# 18 Year Old Italian Girl

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, her mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished Englishman with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility."

"If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and $1,000,000 bank account."

"If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll have sex with her again!"

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# Baby Names

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "denephew."

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# Birthday Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the Contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

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# Call Girl

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is $ex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic,...... but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9."

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# Crusty Old Man

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

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# Farting Can Be Hazardous To Your Health

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts. A malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing , tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

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# Good Luck, Mr. Goorski

When Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he said "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind, good luck Mr. Goorski."

For years, mission control tried to find what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski." They checked with Russian astronauts but could not locate Mr. Goorski. Until now, Neil would not reveal what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski."

Today in a press conference, he told reporters that years ago, when he was a young boy, he and his brother were playing ball when his brother hit the ball under their neighbor's bedroom window. When Neil went to retrieve the ball, he overheard his neighbor's wife, Mrs. Goorski, telling her husband, "ORAL SEX? I'LL GIVE YOU ORAL SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

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# Horse and Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my thingy and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!

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# I Love Mustard

(This is supposedly a true story.)

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of very expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

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# Lion Tamer

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"

The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

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# Moths

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the heck are you?," the man asks.

"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

"Those little bastards!"

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# No Ears

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

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# Potato Garden

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:

For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Bubba

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# Sale Day

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

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# Smoking Dope

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your assh*le before prison...."

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# Work Place Jokes Contents

A Day Off

Business Rules to Live By

Differences

Garage Door

Job Interview Question

Letter of Recommendation

New Employee Room

Prison or Work

Sarcastic Remarks For Work

The New Maid

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# So you want a day off!

An employee comes into her manager's office to take a day off from work. The manager replies, "So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have weekends (2 days) off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days,leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!"

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# Business Rules to Live By

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

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# Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.

When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.

When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

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# Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door."

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?"

She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."

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# Job Interview Question

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

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# Letter of Recommendation

To: HR Department

Re: Bob Smith Assessment

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be

dispensed with.

Regards,

Project Leader

\--------------------------

KEEP READING...

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot, Bob Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my real assessment.

Regards,

Project Leader

Back to Work Jokes Contents

# New Employee Room

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

Back to Work Jokes Contents

# Prison or Work

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.

AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.

AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.

AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.

AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.

AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

Back to Work Jokes Contents

# Sarcastic Remarks For Work

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Back to Work Jokes Contents

# The New Maid

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit.

The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland. They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away.

The agency guy asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained.

Well, the dinner party comes and goes and works out just fine. Molly does a great job. The next morning, the lady's walking down the upstairs hall and sees Molly in one of the guest rooms. Looks like she's making the bed but she's just standing there.

Curious, the woman walks in and looks over Molly's shoulder. There on the bed lies a condom.

The lady turns bright red and tries to laugh it off. "Why Molly," she says, "Surely you have those in Ireland, don't you?"

Molly: "Shurin we do madam, but we don't skin em."

Back to Work Jokes Contents

Back To Book One Contents

****************************

THE END

# More Humor

There are eight volumes of " **200 Jokes, Funny Facts, Etc.** " for your enjoyment at the nominal price of only 99 cents each. We hope you will read all eight volumes. We have tried to keep each book's Contents unique. No duplications within each book or throughout all eight books. We also have a collection of unique "Joke Of The Day" jokes, cartoons, and inspirational items posted on our website. Come by and check them out at www.myFAVORITEjokes.com. What we publish in the books will not be posted on our website and vice versa.

If you have enjoyed this book, we would appreciate you taking the time to write a review at your favorite retailer.

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