-Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
My name is Jimmy Fallon.
And there's The Roots
right there.
It's always good to see
The Roots.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, this morning,
President Trump
called into Fox Business
and spent
the majority of the interview
attacking different women.
Listen to this.
-What is your reaction to
Kamala Harris?
-Now you have sort of
a mad woman, I call her.
"AOC" was a poor student.
This is not even a smart person.
I mean,
she goes out and she yaps.
Nancy Pelosi is
stone-cold crazy.
-Man. Looks like someone woke up
on the wrong side
of the MyPillow.
Mad woman, not smart,
and stone-cold crazy.
Yeah, he's tough on the phone,
but if he really had guts,
he'd say all of that on
"The View."
And just to drop a cherry
on top of the misogyny sundae,
Trump also sent a tweet calling
"Morning Joe's" Mika Brzezinski
a "ditzy airhead."
Seriously,
if you had a co-worker
who came in and said that kind
of stuff about women,
they wouldn't be your co-worker
by the end of the day.
It's like, "Alright,
I've insulted everyone here.
I'm just going to get my coat.
See myself out."
At this point, our best shot
at Trump attacking COVID
is someone telling him
the virus ovulates.
If the election
doesn't work out,
Trump can always get a job
as the worst Hallmark card
writer ever.
[ As Trump ]
Happy Valentine's Day
to my suburban housewife.
Please don't become a cold-stone
crazy, ditzy, mad woman
who goes out and yaps.
[ Normal voice ] Right now, AOC
is like, "I double-majored
in economics and
international relations.
You double-majored
in elephants and lunch."
Well, despite all that, the
president's campaign
now has a Women for Trump bus
that's traveling the country.
Look at this thing.
Fun fact -- that's actually
the old "Access Hollywood" bus
with a new paint job.
Come on.
Meanwhile,
the Wienermobile saw that
and was like, "Well, hello!"
Also in his interview,
Trump discussed how Democrats
want funding for
the Postal Service,
and he said something
kind of alarming.
Listen to this.
-They want $25 billion --
billion -- for the Post Office.
Now, they need that money
in order to have
the Post Office work
so it can take
all of these millions
and millions of ballots.
If we don't make a deal, that
means they don't get the money.
That means they can't
have universal mail-in voting.
They just can't have it.
-Okay. He just admitted
that he's not agreeing to a deal
to fund the Postal Service
because he doesn't want
mail-in voting to
be possible for the election.
Trump is like one of those movie
villains who spends so much time
explaining his plan out loud
that the good guy
manages to shimmy out
of his handcuffs.
[ As Trump ] First,
I'm going to take your body,
and I'm going to put you
in the piranha tank.
Then I'm going to get
a buzz saw,
and the buzz saw's
slowly gonna come.
Right then, the -- He's gone.
[ Normal voice ]
Postal workers were like,
"How much less funding
can you give us?
We don't even have pants."
No one is happy about this.
Millions of Americans wrote
Trump angry letters about it,
but he was like, "Weird.
I didn't get anything."
But this is nice.
When he found out Trump
was meddling
in the election himself,
Putin was like,
"They grow up so fast."
Speaking of the election,
after Joe Biden
announced that Kamala Harris
was his V.P. pick,
the Trump campaign was quick to
release an official statement.
Yeah, it seems like they
can't make up their mind
about how to criticize her.
Check out this ad.
-Hey, Progressives,
do you really want
Kamala "Tough on Crime" Harris
as your V.P.?
We didn't think so.
And, hey, Moderates,
do you really want
Kamala "Not Tough Enough
on Crime" Harris as your V.P.?
We didn't think so either.
Look, here's the truth --
Kamala Harris is a radical.
Sorry if that triggers you.
But, at the very same time,
she's not nearly radical enough.
Double-triggered much?
Kamala loves unicorns,
but she hates horses
with horning growing out
of their head.
She thinks kittens are cute,
but she thinks that baby cats
are overrated.
She is the yin
and she is the yang.
She is anti and she is pro.
She is yes and she is no.
She is boooooring and she is,
yowza, too spicy!
Bottom line -- Kamala Harris is
too extreme and/or
not extreme enough.
This ad brought to you by
the Trump Campaign
For Non-Self
Conflicting Messages.
-It was just hard to understand.
Well, even though Trump's
spending his time
calling into Fox,
I'm sure his administration
is focused on the important
issues facing our nation, right?
-The Trump administration wants
to change the definition
of a shower head
to let more water flow.
President Trump
talked about the need
to keep his hair perfect
and complained multiple times
that he was not getting
wet enough.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-No. Wow!
-Wow! First of all,
I just want to apologize
for making everyone picture
Trump in the shower.
Even more upsetting,
he took our top scientists
off vaccine research
and put them on this.
He's not getting wet enough
in the shower?
Meanwhile, Americans were like,
"Shower heads?
We haven't bathed
in five months."
Let's get to some business news.
As movie theaters across
the country attempt to reopen,
AMC has come up with a way
to bring customers back.
Listen to this.
-AMC has announced that it is
reopening its theaters
next week, and tickets will be
just 15 cents on reopening day.
-Yep. For 15 cents,
you can spend two hours
in full panic,
wondering if it was worth it.
Should I be doing this?
-Who has a dime and a nickel?
-Yeah, that too.
When they heard that,
old people were like,
"We're going to go to
the matinee
because it only costs
a dime," yeah.
-The original what?
The nickelodeon.
-Yeah, exactly.
That's exactly what it is.
They go, "Is this worth it?
Should I be..."
All it takes is
one person to go...
[ Coughs ]
...and you're like, "I'm out."
Okay, that's it.
I'm good. I'm good.
What am I doing?"
In more serious news,
I saw that Pringles is now...
[ Laughter ]
I saw that Pringles is now
selling a chip that tastes like
a Wendy's Baconator,
and they want people
to dip them in Frostys,
in their milkshakes.
Take a look at these things.
Yeah.
They're actually trying out
some new slogans.
Check it out.
First, there's...
Next, there's...
Then there's...
Next, there's...
And, finally...
So just be careful when
you're...
And, finally,
this is going viral.
This "skinny house" in Illinois
was just sold for $260,000.
Check this thing out.
Look at this. Look at that.
Can we see it again?
Put it up again.
Yeah. It's a skinny house. Yeah.
When you put your mail
through the front slot,
it just flies out the back.
That house is
the only thing in America
that stayed skinny
during quarantine.
Right now, every other house
on the block is like, "Wait.
Am I fat?"
Yep, the size of the house
is just 3 feet wide,
whereas New Yorkers
call that a palace.
Ah!
