Kevin Hart: I HAD TO BREAK UP
WITH HER AFTER THAT, THOUGH,
MAN.
WE BROKE UP FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
WE DID.
BROKE UP.
FOR LIKE, TWO WEEKS.
[LAUGHTER]
I WAS SINGLE FOR TWO WEEKS.
I TRIED TO DATE EVERYBODY IN
THE WORLD, I SWEAR TO GOD I DID.
[LAUGHTER]
I WAS LONELY THOUGH, MAN.
BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU,
YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU'RE
IN A RELATIONSHIP, EVERYBODY
WANTS YOU.
EVERYBODY WANNA TALK TO YOU.
BUT THE MINUTE THAT YOU'RE
SINGLE, DON'T NOBODY EVEN WANNA
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
YOU KNOW HOW I KNEW I WAS
BECOMING A LOSER?
I WENT TO THE MOVIES BY MYSELF.
[AUDIENCE SIGHS]
OH, SHUT UP!
[LAUGHTER]
I WENT TO THE MOVIES BY MYSELF.
THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE
AT THAT ULTIMATE LOSER POINT IN
YOUR LIFE.
ESPECIALLY IF YOU GO SEE A
COMEDY BY YOURSELF, YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER LAUGH
BY YOURSELF.
YOU GOTTA INTERVENE WITH SOMEONE
ELSE'S DATE.
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
OH-- I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU ALL WAS KISSING.
I APOLOGIZE.
I'M SORRY.
SO, I HAD TO FIND SOMEBODY,
MAN.
I HAD TO DATE SOMEBODY.
I MET THIS ONE OLDER WOMAN.
MET AN OLDER WOMAN.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM
WITH HER WAS?
SHE WOULDN'T LET ME BE A MAN.
LIKE YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU
NEED TO BE A MAN.
YOU NEED TO DO MANLY-TYPE
STUFF, YOU KNOW?
YOU GO TO A RESTAURANT YOU WANNA
ORDER YOUR OWN FOOD AND DRINKS
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MEN DO.
WE GET TO THE RESTAURANT.
THE WAITER COMES.
HE'S LIKE, "SIR, WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE TO DRINK?"
"AH, HE'LL HAVE A DOUBLE SHOT
OF JACK AND COKE."
"AH, M-- MISS JONES, I CAN'T
DRINK THAT, THAT BURN MY CHEST.
I CAN'T--
[LAUGHTER]
I-- I CAN'T PUT THAT DOWN."
"SHUT UP AND STOP BEING A
BITCH!"
"OH, MY GOD."
[LAUGHTER]
"I'M-- I'M GONNA TAKE THAT--
THE DOUBLE SHOT OF JACK--
WITH-- WITH A STRAW.
CAN I HAVE A STRAW, PLEASE?
[LAUGHTER]
IF I GET A STRAW, THAT'LL BE
GOOD."
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
SHE DID A BUNCH OF STUFF THAT
MESSED WITH ME MENTALLY.
LIKE, SHE KISSED ME WITH HER
EYES OPEN.
YOU KNOW.
I CAN'T STAND THAT.
IT FELT LIKE I WAS BEING SET UP,
YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]
WHO THE HELL DO YOU SEE?
IS TORI IN HERE?
WHERE IS SHE?
COME OUT, TORI!
JUST IRKED ME A LITTLE BIT.
YOU KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS?
I THINK I TRY TO IMPRESS WOMEN
TOO MUCH.
THAT'S A BIG PROBLEM I GOT.
I DO.
I REALLY DO.
TRY TO IMPRESS WOMEN WAY
TOO MUCH.
LIKE, I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A
BIG-ASS TRUCK, JUST TO IMPRESS
WOMEN.
YOU KNOW.
DID YOU KNOW THAT EVERYBODY
LOOKS TALL IN A TRUCK?
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
[LAUGHTER]
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
I HAD TO FIND OUT THE HARD WAY,
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I LIKE
TO FLIRT.
AND ONE DAY I WAS AT THE
STOPLIGHT, AND I SAW THIS GIRL.
I WAS LIKE, "DAMN, BABY,
YOU LOOK GOOD.
WHY DON'T YOU PULL OVER, LET ME
TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND."
SHE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
HE KIND OF CUTE."
HER AND HER GIRLFRIEND
HIGH-FIVE.
THEY WAS HAPPY.
[LAUGHTER]
SHE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WELL,
GET OUT.
COME TALK TO ME."
AND I CAN'T GET OUT OF MY TRUCK.
YOU KNOW.
I GOTTA JUMP OUT, RIGHT?
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
AND WHAT WAS BAD, IS THAT WHEN
I JUMPED OUT, I DIDN'T HAVE
A GOOD LANDING.
I STUMBLED IT A LITTLE BIT,
YOU KNOW?
AND ALL I HEARD WAS, "OH,
MY GOD, HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY
KNEES."
AND THEY JUST PULLED OFF.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
MY FACE HIT THE SIDE OF THE
DOOR.
I WAS LIKE-- "I GOT KNEES.
I JUST"--
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
I'M HOLDING úEM UP.
"LOOK, I SWEAR TO GOD.
IT WAS A BAD JUMP.
I DIDN'T STICK IT.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, IN GYMNASTICS, YOU--
AND YOU DON'T MOVE.
I-- OH-- AHH-AH!
SHE DIDN'T LIKE THAT TOO MUCH.
I THINK IF I WAS TOUGHER,
I WOULD HAVE BETTER LUCK.
'CAUSE FOR SOME REASON,
WOMEN LIKE TOUGH GUYS, YOU KNOW?
THEY LIKE TOUGH GUYS.
NOT THAT TOUGH, MAN.
I'M NOT.
LIKE, FOR SOME REASON WOMEN
DON'T FEEL SAFE WITH ME,
YOU KNOW?
LIKE, "SO, YOU'RE KIND OF A
BIG GUY.
IF A WOMAN SEES YOU, SHE'LL
SAY, "OH, I CAN'T--
IF SOMETHING HAPPENS, I KNOW
I CAN JUST GRAB YOU AND WE'LL
BE SAFE."
IT'S NOT REALLY THE SAME WITH
ME.
IT'S LIKE "IF SOMETHING HAPPEN
WE SHOULD BOTH GET THE HELL
OUTTA HERE.
IT'S LIKE--
WE SHOULD JUST RUN, THAT'S ALL."
[LAUGHTER]
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU RIGHT.
I-- YEAH, WE SHOULD.
TELL YOU WHAT, I HOPE YOU'RE
FAST, 'CAUSE I AM."
LIKE, I'M GONNA GET THE HELL
OUT."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
JUST NOT TOUGH ENOUGH, MAN.
I'M NOT.
YOU KNOW WHY I THINK I'M NOT
THAT TOUGH?
'CAUSE OF MY MOM.
MY MOM IS REAL RELIGIOUS,
YOU KNOW.
MY MOM WAS STRICT BRINGING ME
UP.
AND BECAUSE OF THAT, YOU KNOW,
I'M A LITTLE-- SWEET LITTLE KID.
I'M A MOMMA'S BOY.
I REALLY AM.
THE THING IS MY MOMMA'S
OVER-RELIGIOUS.
GOD, SHE'S OVER-RELIGIOUS.
YOU EVER MEET SOMEBODY THAT'S
OVER-RELIGIOUS?
TALK ABOUT GOD ALL THE TIME?
OR BLAME EVERYTHING ON THE
DEVIL?
YOU KNOW, THAT'S MY MOM.
EVERYTHING IS THE DEVIL'S FAULT,
YOU KNOW?
"BABY, THAT AIN'T NOTHING BUT
THE DEVIL.
THAT'S THE DAMN DEVIL, BABY.
THAT'S ALL THAT IS."
AND IT'S LIKE-- IT'S AT THE
POINT NOW WHERE YOU CAN'T HAVE
A CONVERSATION WITH THIS WOMAN.
BECAUSE IF YOU SAY SOMETHING
SHE DON'T AGREE WITH, SHE MAKE
IT SEEM LIKE IT'S NOT YOU
TALKING.
IT'S THE DEVIL.
YOU KNOW.
I HAD TO EXPLAIN TO HER.
I WAS LIKE, "MA, YOU GOTTA
UNDERSTAND.
I'M OLDER NOW.
I GOT MY OWN OPINION.
OKAY?
I'M NOT GONNA AGREE WITH
EVERYTHING YOU SAY.
SOMETIMES I'M GONNA THINK WHAT
I WANNA THINK."
AND OUTTA NOWHERE, SHE START
YELLING.
SHE WAS LIKE, "LET HIM GO,
DEVIL!"
"WHAT?
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
"LET HIM GO, DEVIL!
TAKE ME INSTEAD!"
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS AIN'T THE DEVIL."
"YES, IT IS.
MY BABY WOULD NEVER TALK TO ME
LIKE THAT."
AND SHE START FLICKING
HOLY WATER AT ME, RIGHT?
JUST LIKE THAT.
[LAUGHTER]
AND WHEN SHE FLICKED THE
HOLY WATER, I GOT MAD AND
CURSED.
I WAS LIKE, "MA, YOU KNOW,
THIS IS BULL[BLEEP].
I'M LEAVING."
AND SHE FLICKED SOME MORE,
AND IT GOT IN MY EYE.
AND WHEN IT GOT IN MY EYE,
IT STARTED STINGING.
I WAS LIKE-- "OH, MY GOD,
IT STING.
I MIGHT BE THE DEVIL."
YOU KNOW, THE EYE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SHE'S LIKE, "BOY, YOU AIN'T
NO DEVIL.
THAT'S BLEACH.
DON'T YOU EVER CURSE AT ME,
I'LL BEAT YOUR LITTLE ASS IN
THIS HOUSE."
[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]
